start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1407542187 | 1407568740 | t3_2d11zp | t5_2to41 | 10 | Preblegorillaman: TIFU By upsetting a wealthy business owner and possibly ruining his relationship with 100's of college students.
Goddamn it I'm an idiot. So without giving away too many details, I saw an online post about a job opportunity to give young students a job without pay. An internship. In my infinite wisdom, I said something mentioning how I've never really understood the basis of an unpaid internship and how laborers can be hired for free. I even asked how it was legal, as it really just confuses me.
Me not being a majestic poet, must not have been very eloquent as my words came across as combative and made the man very angry. Only a few minutes after my comment, he made a public post about how it was obviously a mistake to offer this opportunity to people.
So today, I fucked up. I feel like a worthless piece of shit. And right now all my hopes and dreams lie in that this man will be kind enough to contact me personally and allow me to apologize to him. However, to do this, he will have to take his own time out of his own weekend (which I'm sure is very busy) to talk to some dumbass college student who upset him.
UPDATE: I just talked to him on the phone and he was... disappointed to say the least. Despite being a company owner, he's donated an incredible amount of time to charity and just got done with a very long week. I think I was able to patch things up a bit (not due to me so much as due to him being an amazing person) but who knows how things will go. I'm pretty sure we were both agreed that: Today I fucked up, I'm really sorry, and my shitty comments don't reflect the thoughts of hundreds of individuals.
Sooooo yeah, time to get a drink, calm down, and refrain from doing anything this stupid for a very very long time.
OldieButNotMoldy: You were just asking questions, you weren't mean or anything. I don't see why he should be so mad. All you had to do was just explain to him you just didn't know how internship works. There's no shame in learning things you don't know. Just because he has money he shouldn't be treated different than anyone else.
Preblegorillaman: It was... more than just a few questions. I threw in some opinions and questioned the legality of hiring free labor. I can see how he'd get mad.
OldieButNotMoldy: I had never known till now about for they work. I was. Thinking in the same lines as you. But still he didn't get where he is by being mean he's a reasonable man, everything will work out.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407532843 | 1408040430 | t3_2d0mwr | t5_2to41 | 5 | whatevah_whatevah: TIFU trying to make a wood guitar pick.
I saw a front page post from /r/DIY yesterday that looked doable. I went to my work table, got a piece of scrap wood, made some serious progress and clumsily sliced my thumb with a coping saw. I stopped the bleeding and cleaned it up pronto, but knocked over several various bottles, sprays and tubes in my bathroom in the process. It's been bandaged up and hurting a little less every moment. I think I'll resume with extreme caution.
iIntervate: I was thinking of doing the guitar pick thing but nevermind. Anyhow, hope youre ok.
whatevah_whatevah: It's just about healed now, and the pick came out alright. I'd encourage you to try it if you wanna, but keep in mind two things: focus on the job at hand, and don't underestimate the value of gloves.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407547430 | 1407580591 | t3_2d1968 | t5_2to41 | 104 | grownup_me: TIFU by giving mum a phone and stuff
Multi layer TIFU here ... 9 years or so ago I was with a girl who was into some kinky stuff. More specifically she was turned on greatly by seeing me do some ... lets say "sexy" stuff. It was a semi-long distance relationship so there was some sexting and what not.
The relationship ended when she moved away. I bought a new phone eventually and put the old one away as a spare. Like 2 years later Mum decides she wants to get her first phone (at the age of 63). I figure I'd save her some coin as I now have like 4 "spare" phones. I pull out my old Nokia 3200 ... it was a good sturdy phone and has big buttons for her, this will work fine. She learns to make calls and thats about it. She only stopped using it a couple of years ago.
Now I was aware of one fuck up already ... apparently I should have checked the phone first. After about 6 months of having the phone, my brother called me to tell me that mum had found my dick pics on the phone ... and assured me he had taken care of it. He tells me "yeah dude, I just deleted everything that was on the phone". I trust my brother .... because I'm an idiot. My brother is average at best with technology.
Last night I'm having a casual conversation over a few drinks with my nephew (who's 19). As everyone in my family does, we start talking about the "crazy shit we did back in the day" and what not. I finish up a story about walking in on him shampooing his pubes.
And then it happens ... he gets a bit agitated and comes up with "well atleast my mum didn't send nude pics of me to the entire family" ... my stomach drops ... I say "what the fuck are you talking about?" ... you know, instead of just laughing and acting like nothing happened... Turns out my mum had learned to use the phone by trail and error... and consequently, 2 years ago my whole family received 2 pictures, 1 of me balls deep in my girlfriends ass.
Fuck family, I never need to see them again anyway right?
tl;dr:- TIFU by trusting family, being generous and anal dissapearing tricks
OldieButNotMoldy: Wow your family can sure keep a secret, I can't believe no one said anything to you for 2 yrs. Mine would have said something in 2 minutes.
grownup_me: That's probably the most surprising part to me actually. I'd be pretty confident that everyone was talking about it behind my back.
OldieButNotMoldy: That's a long time to keep it from you tho. You'd think someone would have cracked before now. If that happened to me I'd change my name and move far away, oh wait I don't really talk to my family I'm good lol
grownup_me: My immediate family is massive (I have 10 siblings who all have kids) but I regularly only talk to about a 3rd of them... I would have expected atleast 3 or 4 of them to say something at some stage in the last 2 years
Megs2606: Where are you among the siblings? I'm one of 6 and I'm the second youngest.
grownup_me: There's 3 younger than me... Youngest is 3 oldest is 49... I have a niece that was born the same year as me ... And 6 nieces and nephews that are within 5 years of me.
Megs2606: Holy crap that's a massive age range! How old are your parents?!
grownup_me: Mum is nearly 70, Dad is 56. They separated a while back and the 2 youngest have a different mum.
Megs2606: Crikey. With myself my oldest sister is 34, oldest brother is 30, then my sister is 29, then my other sister is 25, I'm 23, and my youngest brother is 17. And I thought that was a fair range!
My youngest brother is my only full sibling, the rest are my dad's from 2 other different mothers >.<
| 10 | 10.4 | |
1407548588 | 1407585471 | t3_2d1arp | t5_2to41 | 72 | feckthrowaway: TIFU by ignoring "door-knockers"
The setting: My dad and I are on different couches in our lounge room which has a large window next to the front door.
A man and a woman came to our front door (I made EYE CONTACT) as they walked past the window, my dad said "get rid of them" and left the room. I am an extremely anxious person, so I immediately froze up and refused and just sat there on my laptop with headphones on, ignoring their knocking at the door.
Soon they moved to the window, looking directly at me, knocking on the window and waving their arms about. I DID NOT break concentration on my laptop screen. I was starting to sweat.
Eventually one of them knocked very hard on the window, shaking it. My dad came out from the kitchen, opened the door and said "What did you do that for?! What do you want?!"
He then stepped out and talked to them for about 10 minutes, I heard the woman make an angry comment about the "young lady with the headphones on"
Turns out they were not Jehovah's Witnesses or anything like that. They were the fucking *police*. Now I'm shitting myself thinking they going to come back and get me. They were wondering if we'd heard anything from the neighbour's house because a baby died there 2 days ago.
TL;DR: TIFU by blatantly ignoring police officers at my door.
cupicakexx: I might have done the same thing. Why would you answer the door when strangers keep knocking, and then banging on the window? You couldn't have known they were the police. Your dad should have just answered the door in the first place!
feckthrowaway: I was just waiting for them to leave. Once I had begun to ignore them, I could not get up and just pretend it didn't happen. What an awful situation I wanted to run away
IStillDont: How old are you?
feckthrowaway: .. Too old to have such issues lmao
| 5 | 14.4 | |
1407550005 | 1407550789 | t3_2d1cpv | t5_2to41 | 5 | StoneHolder28: TIFU by checking my vehicle registration.
Like most fuck ups, this did not happen today. But I did realize my mistake only moments ago.
This past Monday night, I was preparing to register my car for a parking pass the next day. This of course included gathering my registration and proof of insurance from said car. My fuck up was in deciding to sit down and taking the time to read through my papers to make sure I had all of the correct information readily available. I turned the passenger overhead light on and checked every detail. When I was done, I simply opened the door, got out, and walked back inside my house.
But I left the overhead light on.
The next day, I had a friend pick me up so we could goof off and hang out afterwards. This meant that I had no reason to even look at my own car.
And, being the lazy idiot I am, I brought everything inside after he dropped me back at my house. It wasn't until Wednesday evening that I needed to use my car again. The doors wouldn't unlock, though. I thought it was weird, but I had somewhere I needed to be. So I used the key, hopped in, and turned the ignition.
Nothing. Fuck.
As most of you may have guessed by now, the battery had drained. It wasn't until I got the battery charged and put back in today that I realized the passenger overhead light was still on.
TL;DR: I left a light on in my car for almost 48 hours, which drained the battery and *I'm still an idiot.
Edit: *
IJUSTWANTTOUPBOAT: TL;DR: I left a light on in my car for almost 48 hours, which drained the battery and...
... also my phone died while putting together this post ;)
Hope everything worked out for you OP.
StoneHolder28: I stayed up late hoping my battery would finish charging last night. Ended up calling it quits and charging it for another ~six hours today. Sleepy OP is sleepy.
But thank you for catching the error for me.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407549178 | 1407568840 | t3_2d1bkl | t5_2to41 | 11 | Rickmasta: TIFU, I knocked over a case of BBs (airsoft) in my room, by accident.
[This](http://imgur.com/YeDYB0V) was completely full before I knocked it over. Where I fucked up real bad? The top had a hole in it, and I knew it did. Instead of putting the BBs in another jar, I moved the jars to a place that I thought I would not hit them. Well, I just knocked them over with my foot. Probably less than 10 BBs were missing from it, because these never fit in any of my guns, so now I have 6490+ balls on my bedroom floor.
OldieButNotMoldy: I beat up both I did that with a jar of pellets, it was not fun finding the ones I missed picking up.
Rickmasta: They fell behind my bed, which is good and bad. It's good because only a hand full of them rolled out from under, which I just picked up. It's going to be a hassle to get them from under my bed, though.
OldieButNotMoldy: Clean out your vacuum really good and vacuum them up with the attachment, then they are all inside the bag or container. You may have to rinse them because they might be dusty and could affect your shooting.
Rickmasta: I think I'm just going to throw them out or find something else to do with them. Maybe they'll work in the vase of a fake plant or something?
OldieButNotMoldy: They probably have tons of ideas on the net to do with them.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1407551996 | 1407623718 | t3_2d1fgo | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU: Seeking the Hidden (NSFW)
While reading through some stories this memory painstakingly returned to me. I'm now 22 however at the age of 13, me and my best friend (age 11) found ourselves bored one weekend while I stayed at his parents place, As I had for years. The house consisted of my friend, his sister, age 15. Their father and his newly found girlfriend. It was late Saturday evening and we thought it would be fun to play a game of hide and seek. We went back and forth a few times hiding and seeking then, It got very interesting. I set off to find him, figuring he is in one of his typical spots (Behind the shower curtain). I look towards the door and the bathroom light is on.. so thinking I caught him I rip open the door with a huge grin on my face. Seconds later my grin suddenly turns to fear. Out of pure shock I find my self frozen on looking my best friends sister taking a piss on the toilet. Her Pants and undies around her ankles, she quickly pulls her over sized T-shirts to cover her crotch. We find ourselves looking into each others eyes frozen in fear. I regain my logical thinking and slam the door shut turning to the kitchen table directly to my right. her fathers girlfriend gives me a mysterious look, to which I calmly blurt out "nope, not in there." and continue my hunt out side of the house. It's nearing a decade between this encounter and neither of us had ever spoken of it. To this day you the readers are the only others to know!
pulsefrequency: She wants the d
Prostate_Panda: She wants the d...oor closed
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407553291 | 1407580807 | t3_2d1h5i | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by ignoring a cricket in my toilet..
This all started yesterday morning. I woke up and greeted the day with happiness, went to the kitchen to grab some breakfast, then made my way into the bathroom to take my morning dump. Upon reaching the toilet with my pants down and ready to do my business I noticed something black make a quick leap around the inside of the bowl. Now, I had not been expecting to find anything unusual inside my toilet so I was pretty much ready to let the "load" loose upon opening the lid. But, since there was some unknown specimen of nature hiding in my toilet I decided it best to investigate before sitting down.
While clenching my asshole to delay the brown river from flowing (my stomach felt a bit angry at the time so I figured this would get messy) I slowly peeked into the toilet from different angles trying to figure out what was awaiting me inside. There it was.. a [baby cricket] (http://www.reptilecentre.com/images/reptile/baby_black_cricket-v1-167x167.jpg) somehow got into our house and made it's way into my toilet. At this point I couldn't hold back the flood gates any longer and decided the cricket wouldn't bother me and would most likely drown in the water soon anyway..this was my first mistake..NEVER underestimate the cunning of a cricket!
During my messy poo, I was laughing while thinking about that poor little cricket that innocently hopped inside my toilet for a drink and was now being bombarded by a very smelly waterfall. I feel like the cricket knew I was mocking it and also being overwhelmed by the smell, decided to declare war on my asshole because after I was all done and finished wiping, the unthinkable occurred! The little guy made a leap for my butt cheeks and landed perfectly. Before I knew what was going on I could feel my anus being penetrated. Being the idiot that I am, I instantly clenched my asshole thinking that it might stop him...this only helped him fully penetrate my body. After realizing what had just happened, this perfectly describes the look on my face: http://omgface.com/angry/pure%20horror14.jpg
I quickly sat back down and began straining and pushing as hard as I could to try and get the little fucker out of there before it did its little cricket hop and made its way deeper into my rectum. Ever have something live, crawl around inside your ass? IT FEELS FREAKY AS HELL!
After about 15 minutes of panic pushing I just sat there in defeat catching my breath. All of a sudden for no apparent reason I could feel it trying to escape the toxic wasteland it had previously entered. This encouraged me and I grabbed both cheeks, spread them wide open and began pushing again. FINALLY I felt it plop out then heard the beautiful splash of him hitting the toilet water. Before it had time to react I reached for the handle and flushed that fucker down the toilet, while waving goodbye and spewing curses at it! Today I fucked up..
TL;DR: Ignored a cricket in my toilet while taking a dump and ended up being anally penetrated by it.
Seniornosleep: Lucky it wasn't a snake.
leopardg: I just read a TIFU like this...
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407557572 | 1407602865 | t3_2d1mh5 | t5_2to41 | 2,310 | WeeabooFgt: TIFU by cumming on my cousins leg
This happened just an hour or so ago and this is a Grade A fuck up. So to put context to the situation I was jerking it like usual in my room in a gamer chair against the door, my lock is fucked up but I'm overly cautious so I've never been caught jerking. Meanwhile my cousin decided to move in after some relationship issues (She's 30 something and has a kid. She left the kid with her husband) but I wasn't informed of this, so I'm almost finished and I hear the front door open. I thought I had plenty of time, but she decides to run up the fucking stairs and open the door just as I'm done beating it to surprise me I guess, she opens the door only to get my nut on her leg.
[But wait, there's more!](http://xs-sniper.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/billymays2.png)
I close out of my porn so fast I thought I broke a world record so my second tab that is Facebook is now open. And you know what's the first thing on my news feed? Her 7 year old girl in a bathing suit on the beach. So she's just standing there with a face that screams disgust for a few seconds and walks out the door without saying a word.
She left just a few minutes ago with my parents to some restaurant, I'm anxiously awaiting their return...
**Update**: They came back and it seems she didn't tell them anything. I never did find her # to text her but she did bring me some leftovers. She didn't look me in the eye and she immediately left to her own room, but hopefully we can both pretend this never happened.
**Update #2**: She responded to my message on Facebook saying and I quote "It's alright, I understand."
I"M IN THE CLEAR, BRB LOOKING UP A LIST TO THANK EVERY SINGLE GOD KNOWN TO MAN. THANK YOU JESUS, THANK YOU ALLAH AND THANK YOU SATAN.
Mustard_Tiger1990: As shitty as it might be, I'd explain what happened. I dunno about you but I don't think I could live with the possibility of one of my family members thinking I was fapping to their seven year old. This does not seem like a " pretend this didn't happen" kind of situation. Hope it works out for ya man!
WeeabooFgt: I'll try to tell her somehow, but it's one of those awkward situations that I never want to bring up again irl. I'll message her on FB, I don't think I have the balls to talk to her face to face.
Pentellium: Screenshot your tifu and just send it to her
SenatorCoffee: Yes this is also really good idea. Just send her the link to the entire thread.
moneys5: Yep, the only thing people love more than awkward situations with family is having that terribly awkward situation shared with tons of internet strangers!
WeeabooFgt: W/e I explained it well enough here and it's not like anyone here knows either of us.
LordPadre: Are you actually gonna link it to her, OP?
WeeabooFgt: I sent it to her via Facebook so yeah, the deed has been done.
LordPadre: Well, let us know if it backfires. Good luck OP.
Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo: *35 minutes later...*
Well everybody looks like OP is dead, move on...
WeeabooFgt: I'm still here, I haven't received a response yet. I will update the post when it happens.
_TB__: You could always link her to this thread. Maybe it's more believable when she sees you've made a post here? Because nobody lies on the internet.
| 13 | 177.692308 | |
1407541592 | 1407581200 | t3_2d115a | t5_2to41 | 20 | She_Has_My_Hoodie: TIFU by accidentally mocking a disabled child
To set the context, I spent a year doing a youth work internship in a Church before University. Every school holiday we would run a holiday club for the kids of church families and their friends, we'd have fun, games, craft activities, worship songs, etc.
My second holiday club, we were sat in the main church building during one of the church times, playing some games and about to sing. I notice one kid in particular isn't joining in. He's sitting in the Pew, not really paying attention to anything going on. I figure I'll try to get him up and playing the games (For those that may be worrying, I don't, and won't, force or co-erce people into joining in the worship if they feel they can't due to belief). I motion to him to get up, and he looks at me like I'm the weirdest person on earth. I keep motioning and gesturing to him to get involved in the game, and he just wouldn't! Eventually, I left it.
When it was time to head back to the Church hall for more craft activities, I noticed him sidle along the pew, and lift himself into his wheelchair. Having never met the kid before, I was mortified. I apologised to him afterwards, but I'd not felt that bad in a while!
SomeonesBirthday: Wait, what kind of games? At first I thought you meant like board games, but now I'm unsure.
[deleted]: it was in a church, my best guess is they played toss the cross
leopardg: The only game we Christian kids ever play. I am the regional champ at Toss-the-Cross.
| 4 | 5 | |
1407558872 | 1407599564 | t3_2d1o4e | t5_2to41 | 23 | nothingofyourconcern: TIFU by masturbation with anti-friction cream....
Well today I was the most bored I had ever been in a long time, so I did what any other male would do....masturbate. But I had quite the conundrum I forgot to go shopping and needed more lotion and well I don't like stroking it dry
Why didn't I just go out and buy some you ask?
Well I live about 15 miles from the nearest town and well.... fuck that.
So I searched and I searched my house for what I could use to bust a nut with, and finally I remembered I had some cream for my feet(I run marathons)
I just want to clear this up right now...I am not very organized and I don't really pay attention to what products I buy. as in a specific brand or any thing as long as it is anti-friction cream or whatever I couldn't care less about the brand so I usually always have to read the labels of the products I have at home to confirm what it is...
any way in the heat of the moment I just grabbed the tube of what I thought to be lotion and slathered my dick with it and well.....I stung like a mother fucker and my piss hole is really red.....I am going to see a dick doc tomorrow.....as I type this I'm struggling with pain... yes I tried to wash it off....
Please excuse my poorly structured story, spelling mistakes, and grammar.
harmlessmaniac: I feel for you, OP. I had a similar experience once but luckily I have a scientific background and was able to negate most of the effects before I saw the doctor; As anti-friction cream caused the problem, the solution is friction. The more intense the better. Get hold of some sandpaper from your local hardware store and rub it against the affected area until you have completely removed the anti-friction zones (which are now effectively ruined and must be discarded to avoid it spreading).
Once this is done make sure to keep your wiener in a fibreglass friction bandage to guard against further anti-friction, which will only exacerbate the issue. Good luck to you, friend.
Linkolead: Can confirm, I have also used the exact same remedy in a similar scenario.
sharpjava: Make sure not to rip your stick's skin in the process,though.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1407463045 | 1407689214 | t3_2cxx1g | t5_2to41 | 5 | MTBNEW: TIFU by visiting the motherland!
Alright, this happened 12 years ago at the age of 10.
I had just finished school and my parents informed me that we were all going to take a vacation back to Bosnia. I was born there and we all moved to Germany then to USA because of a war, but that is another story. Anyways, when we get there I start spending time with my grandparents, uncles, aunts and nieces and we all explore the country side. We were having such a great time exploring the woods, roaming the mountainside and swimming in the rivers. Now, at one point we decided we would all go to my grandparents barn and milk the cows ( we had no idea what we were doing, we were little dickheads). Subsequently, we couldn't even approach the cows because they were not used to us and I now know that you can not just milk a cow when you feel like it. After failing miserably we noticed a cat going up into the top part of the barn, where hay is stored, and we followed the cat up. When we got to the top we noticed that the cat was in fact a mother and had given birth to several kittens.
From this point on we basically fed the momma cat milk and watched as the kittens started to wobble around and eventually open their eyes for what seemed like a week or so. One day we were visiting the cats and as we left I forgot to shut the barn door (it is basically like a door leading into a attic, but does not have an attached ladder, so you have to use a ladder). Later on that same day we were playing outside close to the barn because there was a hoop attached to it (this thing was so ghetto, yo). As we were playing my grandpa went inside to feed the cattle and other shit farmers do and I heard him yell some profanity. This guy does not curse, he raised 8 children and not a single one of them had ever heard him curse (very religious, but you wouldn't know it because he was never one to try and talk about religion). So I ran over to the barn and saw it. On the floor was one of the kittens, less than two weeks old, and it was twitching. I saw blood, a mangled body and my grandpa looking disgruntled. He didn't know that the kittens were up there or he would have been more careful. I started to cry and the other kids came over and saw it and they all started to cry. At this point you have like 6 children crying all from the age of 8-12 and my grandpa trying to calm everyone down and explain. Parents rushed over thinking my grandpa was hurt or injured, but instead they found a group of children crying and a disfigured kitten. Once i finished crying (i was a lil bitch) I ran to my grandpa and hugged him and told him that it was my fault and not his. He told me to tell no one and took this one with him to the grave.
tldr; My grandpa took one for the team.
Also I've been back several times now, love that place. :)
xanis88: This just about made me cry. Poor kitty ;( I hope the rest were okay :(
MTBNEW: We relocated them inside my grandparents house, along with the cat. When they were big enough we let them all out. My grandma has told me that one or two of the kittens still return to the farm every now and then! Hope that makes you feel better!
xanis88: Aw I'm glad you guys moved them in!! That does make me feel better haha take care!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407558640 | 1407560954 | t3_2d1nsx | t5_2to41 | 29 | catwomanshusband: TIFU by farting in an elevator full of girls.
This actually happened only minuets ago. First let me preface this by saying that I did not know that girls were entering the elevator.
I have been at this pre college art program for the past six weeks and today is the last day, so naturally I went a little crazy. After a long fun night of celebrating, dancing and hanging out with good friends who I will probably never see again the boys decided it was time to head back to make it in time for curfew. We get in the elevator and I immediately scream, "dog pile!" I get flat on the ground in this tiny elevator and everyone just laughs and doesn't join in, real awkward. My best friend at this program then took pity and said, "fuck it," as he hit the deck. Then everyone, including the RA, joined in. I was fealing pretty good about myself, but I didn't get the laughs I was hoping for. The third floor kids got off and I remained on the floor. I told everyone to shut up very loudly. I waited until it was quite enough for me to stick my legs in the air spread eagle and fart loudly. Just as I fart the doors open to girls waiting to get on. With my legs still in the air I say, "safety." (its the doorknob game) and look the girl who was into me straight in the eye. They hold their laughter and get on a elevator stinking of shit while I run away screaming, "good thing I will never se you agin!"
rothko5229: hey cunt.
Third sentence, when you say '...hanging out with good friends who I will probably never see again the boys decided...' yeah, that part? You should have added a comma after 'again'. I got mad confused and had to re-read it to make any sense of your shitty grammar.
Cuuuuuunt.
bluesklus: their their, its just a grammar mistake, we've all been they're
meltru: Lol
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1407559478 | 1407609468 | t3_2d1ou3 | t5_2to41 | 116 | elephantbuttz: TIFU by combining habaneros and foreplay
A couple years ago I was dating a guy who really knew his way around a kitchen and shared my love of spicy foods. He lived in a pretty empty dorm during the summer so he would often invite me over to cook in his floor's kitchen. We would usually split dinner duties, but one night he decided that he wanted to treat me. He made a curry as an entree and for a side dish he chopped up some habaneros and sauteed them with broccoli. The meal was absolutely delicious, so I cleaned up the dishes as a thank you.
After cleaning up we headed back to his room where we started making out. Everything was going great until he put his hand down my pants. I didn't realize what was happening at first, but suddenly my clit started to burn. What started as a minor, localized tingling sensation turned into what felt like a full-fledged FIRE raging in my underwear. I promptly sprung out of his bed and wobbled frantically around his room while waving at my hoo-ha. I spotted a couple cups of water around the room, but as a lover of spicy foods I know that water does little to counteract concentrated capsaicin. As tears started running down my face, I remembered that my boyfriend had a can of whipped cream in his fridge. I ran over to the fridge, pulled out the whipped cream, and proceeded to dispense half the can onto my clit and tunnel of love. After a minute or so, the searing pain subsided. I hobbled to his shower where I rinsed myself and he did everything he could to hide his laughter from my death glares.
TL;DR A guy cooked with habaneros then fingered me without adequately washing his hands causing me to spray whipped cream all over my lady parts.
Ebithril: So, things HEATED up after dinner.
[deleted]: It's not exactly the best way to SPICE up your relationship.
[deleted]: She was all hot and bothered.
[deleted]: That's what you call burning love.
frozenanuran: She got whipped
Bidiggity: Sounds like a pretty great cream pie to me
ColeTheo: Yeah, she should really consider...uh...yeah I got nothing...
| 8 | 14.5 | |
1407560125 | 1407661331 | t3_2d1ple | t5_2to41 | 38 | Nerdodactyl: TIFU by stealing a co-worker's shirt
So I work with this guy and I have had the biggest crush on him since we started working together back in February. He is great with kids, funny, smart and pretty darn handsome, however I'm pretty sure he is not interested and I've never had the courage to make a move. So the fuck up happened at work today, he finished his shift before me like usual and changed into normal clothes and out of work clothes at the end of his shift, now today he forgot (or purposefully left) his work shirt in the staff room and me being a freakin' creepy stalker type had the compulsion to steal his shirt. Now I know this just sounds creepy and not at all like a fuck up but here is the thing, I don't work until monday so I can't try and put it back and I'm pretty sure he only has 2 (now only 1) uniform shirt so I'm in this weird spot where I could keep the shirt and feel like a creep and maybe learn voodoo and make him fall in love with me or I can try and go to work over the weekend and put it back with out getting caught and hope he isn't expecting to change into it at the start of his next shift.
TL;DR stole the shirt of a coworker that I like and now have to either learn voodoo and make him like me or figure out how to return it with out getting caught and looking like a stalker.
MikeRabsitch: Wash and it bring it back to him Monday. Tell him you saw he forgot his shirt so you washed it and made sure it'd get back to him safely. He'll think that's nice/sweet and you'll get his attention.
Either that or pour a box of wine into the shirt and then squeeze it out into your mouth while taking a bath.
greywolfau: 2nd option, for sure.
Or, if you are good with a sewing machine you can turn the shirt into a pillow case. That way you can sleep with him everynight.
theone2780: Oh My God...what have you done...
greywolfau: I'm eagerly awaiting part 2 where she follows him home and steals his pants.....
theone2780: I'll be checking in periodically...
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1407561227 | 1407592866 | t3_2d1qww | t5_2to41 | 1,016 | jiggleynutjellow: TIFU by fucking my mom's favorite jello
Like many TIFU stories, mine didn't happen today. It happened two days ago. It started off as a regular day, just me going on reddit and watching my favorite tv show in my room. My mom is the type of person who likes to force me to eat even when Im not hungry. So as I am minding my own business, my mom walks in with a cup of Mexican jello. She tells me that she wants me to eat it all. Now this isn't any regular jello. This is my mom's favorite jello. I don't really like it so I start playing around with it. At first I stick my finger in it and notice that it's room temperature. So being a teenage boy, I start to get curious. I make sure I wont get interrupted by shutting the window, closing the blinds, making sure my mom was no where near my room, and making everything silent so that I can hear someone approaching. This is where the magic happens. I pull down my shorts and boxer briefs, and slowly insert my winger dinger dong inside of the jello. The cup was about 3 inches deep and too small to do anything with. So I take my dick out and leave the room to clean off my sticky stick. After Im done, I walk back to my room and discover my mom eating the jello as she makes my bed (I was too lazy to do it). I feel the sudden rush of what I am seeing making its way up to my brain and feel my stomach start to turn. She notices that I look like I'm about to throw up and asks what is wrong, and I run back to the bathroom and throw up acidic saliva and stomach juice. My mom thought that the jello was old and something was wrong with it because of seeing me throw up and she starts gagging. I have still yet to tell her that I put my penis in the jello.
TL;DR; fucked jellow, mom ate it, I threw up, she almost threw up
Holy shit. I did not expect this to blow up.
Update: Someone found out who I am......
Update #2: I'm eating a donut and a burrito
Update #3: So I haven't told anyone this fuck up at all except for all of you. BUT, apparently one of my friends found out it was me some how. I don't know how. They texted me about it. Help me Reddit.
georges_star: > I have still yet to tell her
You're planning to tell her?!?
jiggleynutjellow: I don't want to. Should I not?
OldieButNotMoldy: No, no tell her and take a picture of her face at that moment, you could make reddit history. Or in the least make all of us laugh like fuck.
jiggleynutjellow: What are the perks for making this history you're talking about?
tfyuhjnbgf: Everyone will say "remember that guy who took the picture of his mom after he told her she ate jello he fucked?"
jiggleynutjellow: Do I get free tits?
tfyuhjnbgf: Your moms.
jiggleynutjellow: damnit
timTheEnt1: 1) Stick dick in jello
2) Have mom eat jello
3) Break arms
fryguy_22: Directions unclear; dick stuck in mom
NotACompleteDumbass: That's the motive behind the arm breaking!
| 12 | 84.666667 | |
1407563353 | 1407598808 | t3_2d1t8l | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to a Rub n Tug
Not gonna bury the lede here, I went to an Asian Massage joint. My wife and children are gone for the weekend, so I decided to cut loose a bit. Headed down the road a ways to the nearby massage place, got an hour, and honestly, HONESTLY was not expecting anything to happen. Because if you do, then you usually just leave angry.
So, was enjoying things, she rubs my butt and I go "mmmm". When she gets to the legs, she brushes the boys, and I go "mmmm" again. Then on the way up, I get a little taint action.
So I flip over, and I'm limp. But she rubs my nipples and sack, and asks if I would like to do anything. I feel like i can't really say no at this point, and it's not like I *don't* exactly, I'm just limp. This place, though, isn't full service. It's self service. She's squirts a big dollop of oil on me, starts rubbing my balls and taint, and I do the work. I'm just not getting hard though. I wank it, and do all the tricks, but I'm hungover, kinda nervous and depressed, and don't want to waste her time, so I end up just kind of rolling it between my hand and hers, and miraculously make myself come while flaccid. Weird. We finish up, I tip, I go.
Then, because that actually made me feel horrible, instead of better, I go to a nearby strip club. Have a drink, chat up some strippers, get a couple of lap dances. Each one was 20 years old. Absolutely fucking gorgeous and tight bodied.
Why am I not loving this? I'm getting dry humped on a couch by some very fit, hot ladies.
Anyway, now I'm in my house alone. Family gone. I'm drinking and kind of sad. Guilt and shame getting to me.
I'm not going to lie, I've done this before. Cheating, I guess you'd call it. But it has never bothered me before. (Once every 3-4 years or so? We've been together nearly 20)
I don't know why it is now.
All I feel now is embarrassed and sad. Like I always knew it was a bad idea, and I did it anyway.
Fuck.
I'll never tell her, but, fuck.
Fuck, man.
[deleted]: How is your sex life with your wife?
[deleted]: Sparse, but generally good when it happens.
Another way to say it, I'm reasonably sure that *she* is satisfied with the way things are. I could use a bit more attention.
[deleted]: > I'm reasonably sure that she is satisfied with the way things are. I could use a bit more attention.
Clearly. Make yourself as attractive as you can, both physically and in terms of your life status, so she pursues you. This is the only thing that works consistently for men in your situation.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1407563007 | 1415151805 | t3_2d1svl | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by spilling urine all over myself. My own, to be specific.
I am starting a new job and had to take a drug screen when I went to fill out the paperwork. Of course, it has to be the most humiliating circumstances possible: in front of a future coworker.
Needless to say, this turns into a process. The first time in the tiny bathroom, there are two people observing because one is being trained on how to do a drug screen (it's at a rehab center so they do a lot of them). I'm unable to give a sample large enough, so we have to wait it out. An hour later, still no go.
On top of the coffee I drank in the meantime, I chug a liter of diet coke and bide my time. Another couple of hours, and I'm totally ready. So I sit down, pee, and then, as I'm removing the cup from the (elementary school height) toilet, it's TOO full, and I slosh it all over my pants and the floor. Now I have to look at my coworker with shame and know she left and told everyone, which is exactly what I would have done. Humble beginnings, I suppose.
[deleted]: You need one of [THESE](http://www.shewee.ca/).
devzero0: haha that website is dedicated to pee accessories. I don’t see a lady J anywhere though.
| 3 | 5 | |
1407563716 | 1407642883 | t3_2d1tmo | t5_2to41 | 34 | ra1n1337: TIFU by brushing my teeth...
I didn't want to spoil it in the title, but here's how it went...
Basically after I get out of work, it's usually around 9:00 pm in which I usually get really baked and watch documentaries (I find them more interesting and engaging when I'm high). After watching a few vice documentaries and such I stumbled upon a documentary on rabies, you can probably see where this is going...
Basically when I'm high, I also become very easily distracted and seem to forget what I'm doing half the time, after watching a short clip in the documentary of a man with rabies and the effects it has, I was totally done watching that documentary and I choked in parallel with a man foaming by the mouth while my mouth was dry (if you aren't familiar with weed, it makes your mouth dry).
After this event, I realized that I'm sure as fuck done watching documentaries as I started to get paranoid and had horrible thoughts of myself with rabies. Completely out of habit, I walk over to my bathroom and start to brush my teeth (I find brushing my teeth high extremely boring, so I usually watch t.v. for a bit and get distracted while I do so).. and here comes the fuck up. Basically 1 minute into my brushing marathon I accidentally choked on spit and completely forget what I was doing at that moment, in retaliation to the choke I gagged and for a split second thought I was having a rabies attack. After choking for about 5 seconds and spitting the toothpaste filled spit everywhere, I call 911 emergency saying that I had a rabies attack. After running downstairs to get some water, my reality came back and I realized what the fuck I just did.
After 5 minutes of what felt like a decade, the ambulance shows up at my door stretcher and all; high out of my mind I have to explain to them what happened. 5 minutes later and a $250 fine later, they finally leave and me, starting to lose my high, realize how much of a fucking idiot I am. To make use of the final bit of the high, I grab a bag of cheetos, turn on netflix and pass the fuck out.
tl;dr - got high, watched documentary on rabies, brushed teeth, choked on spit, thought I was havng a rabies attack, called 911 and stupidity and regret ensues...
OldieButNotMoldy: Who gave you the fine? We get dumb calls everyday, we also get repeat Pts who call an ambulance a couple times a week, but we don't fine anyone. If they don't want to go and they are not a harm to themselves or anyone else, they sign a paper and off we go back on call. I actually would have laughed my ass off if I had come to treat you. I'd probably screw with your head a bit as well, just for fun. But I wouldn't call the cops on you or anything.
ra1n1337: Where I'm from, if you give a false 911 call during peek hours, you can get fined up to 10,000$ (never happens though). Basically the police that came with the ambulance didn't find it funny since I was kind of laughing about the whole thing while talking to her, she wrote me a bull shit ticket, I'm gonna bring it to court though
pringlepringle: why would you take it to court and waste more people's time, just pay it, you're a moron and it's a moron tax
Seniornosleep: Well said.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1407550704 | 1407672228 | t3_2d1do3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | GloryxLegend: TIFU by pretending to throw and orange at a car
Before I start, it was a friend who pretended to throw it, and this also happened around 3 years ago, when I was 13.
So it was just a normal day, and after school me and group of friends all walked to the estate that most people lived on. On the way we pass a main road, which is usually relatively busy at this time, due to it being near rush hour.
As we approached, my friend (lets call him "Tim"), is throwing an orange up and down in his hand as we walk. When we get closer, another friend dares him to throw it on the road at one of the cars. What happened next will be etched in my mind, mostly from the massive rush of adrenaline that I got.
Tim then proceeds to pretend to over arm throw the orange at the next car that came past. We all laughed until it started braking about 10m up the road, followed by a mid 30's man get out, shouting 'COM'RE YOU LITTLE C**T'.
At this point there was a common emotion about the group (there was about 6 of us) of 'OH SH*T'. When he got out of the car screaming, Tim decided to run back along the path we had come from, screaming 'IM SORRY, IM SORRY'. This left all 5 of us to deal with this outraged man. My memory of what happened next is a bit blurry, but i remember him pushing "Edward" against a wall, grasping his neck and taking a picture of him on his phone, threatening to call the police.
When he started doing this I starting dialing 999 (or 911 for those of you across the pond), in fear that my 13 year old friend was about to take undeserved vicious beatings from a buff adult in his 30's. Tim decided to come back, and the man then grabbed him also. I then started to call.
The man returned to his car, but saw me on my phone talking to someone, so in my fear I hung up. The man drove away, but Edward managed to catch the plate number. I didnt quite know how 999 worked at the time, but I was surprised to find the police kept calling me back. I was forced to pick up, and tell them what had happened.
I didnt think much about the whole thing, until I heard the next day that Edward had been at the police station for 2 hours last night, filing papers for assault. This is probably the worse part of the whole thing. It meant that all 5 of us had to write statements about what happened, and go to court and talk about what we saw (which is probably the most nervous I've ever been in my life).
In the end, we lost the case, and the guy wasnt charged with assault, (although I'm not sure if he was charged with anything else). Tim, got something on his criminal record to do with disrupting traffic, but it cleared when he turned 16. I think in a way it was me who was the true fuck up, by calling the police...but there we go.
TL;DR : Friend pretended to throw an orange at a passing car, driver got out an throttled my friend, went to court and lost.
JUSTAFUCKINGPOST: You should have just dialed 0118 999 881 999 119 7253
GloryxLegend: http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/a-b-yay.gif
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407564689 | 1407569943 | t3_2d1unn | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking the foulest chocolate milk known to man
So like any other TIFU, this didn't happen today, it actually happened 16 years ago when I was 5. (Can we rename the sub already?)
So I had a bike a bottle cage on it when I was a kid. One day I must have apparently put chocolate milk in it, long story short I didn't touch the bike all summer while it sat behind the house. In the sun. Long story short, I remembered the chocolate milk one day and took a big, hearty swig of it.
I am haunted to this day by the most vile, disgusting taste I have ever experienced.
I_pro: Did any of the taste remind you of chocolate milk. Basically I'm asking if you think it was worth it.
[deleted]: It was mostly solid at that point. The taste did not even come close to chocolate milk.
[deleted]: [How old was it?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=WalEL1_dpYU#t=76)
| 4 | 4 | |
1407566603 | 1407770003 | t3_2d1wia | t5_2to41 | 10 | hatton156: TIFU by taking the piss out of the girl I like's dad
This happened a few years ago, and I'm still cringing.
A little backstory; I'd been really close with this girl for about a year, everything was going amazingly and I had been to her house quite a few times. Her mum/mom was awesome and we got along really well, but I had never met her dad because he was always at work, the girl (I'll call her Fran) had told me that he was a hard nut - this is important for the story.
I went to her house for the day, it went smoothly and dinner with her parents was full of talking and laughing, her dad didn't hate me (hooray!). Fran had to go rowing so her dad offered to drive me home, which i accepted, free transport is always a yes from me. He dropped Fran off at the rowing club which was opposite the theater, so it was just me and him. He asked me some questions about school; generic, boring dad questions and we spoke about rugby and how he used to play semi-professionally. This, his appearance (he looked like Hank from Breaking Bad) and the fact that I had been informed of his hard nut-ness made what happened next a complete surprise to me.
As we drove past the theater which was showing 'Cinderella', he asked if I had seen it yet; thinking he was joking I replied ''Actually I was considering seeing it next week'' with a smirk on my face (( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) , playing along with what i thought was a joke. He frowned and told me that it was only showing for another couple of days. I laughed, he asked me what i was laughing at, I made the mistake of saying ''the idea of you sitting and watching 'Cinderella' and wearing a tiara'', and continued laughing. He fell silent and from what I could see of his face in the mirror he looked pretty upset. Unable to handle the awkwardness, I told him that here was close enough, thanked him for having me over, got out the car and ended up walking 3 miles back home.
Next time I spoke to Fran she told me that she heard what I said and didn't think I should come over for a while. We stopped talking about a month later.
**tl;dr**: Messed with a bull, his horns ended up being pretty soft.
[deleted]: So if you dont love cinderella you can't love his daughter?
Donkster: Srsly I don't get whats wrong with all those parents here on tifu. I really thought I had strict parents but god...
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1407566883 | 1407604795 | t3_2d1wrq | t5_2to41 | 12 | throwtherocksaway: TIFU by having sex with a random girl and thinking I had a full blown STD [NSFW]
So, this happened about a month ago but I still sweat bullets on how much worse this could have gone if it went the other way.
So, I'm on vacation about a month ago and about at the tail end of the vacation I meet a girl in the bar at the hotel I'm staying. It was late, we chatted, she was throwing good signals, and I decide to bring her to my hotel room for sexy times. I ate her out and she was squirming and she loved everything about my salad skills (*humble brag*).
Then I put the condom on and fucked her missionary style until I came. She took quite the pounding. We said our goodbyes, because I had to catch a flight the next morning and that was that.
I come back home and everything is fine for a week. No problems or issues at all. I remember one day though the week after, I was jacking off and all of a sudden my dick started to hurt when I came. I was like wtf? I didn't think it was a big deal and thought it would be just temporary.
What ensued for the next few days were the most agonizing painful days I could ever have. It hurt BAD whenever I took a piss. Like bad at the most basic minimum level at first, and then got progessively really bad as each day passed by. This lasted over a week. I knew there was no way I could survive this, and booked a STD test asap after about 2 weeks from my vacation, and after 1 week it started to hurt.
During that same week, my eyes were bloodshot red. I was like WHAT IN THE FK is going on? I never had symptoms like these before. Like imagine a fkn zombie movie where those guys have red ass eyes? Yeah, that was me. What was worst, was that I was going to come into work the next week.
I searched online and everything indicated to me that I had symptoms of gonorrhea. I thought my life was over. I really believed I had gonorrhea. First off, my urethra felt like crazy whenever I pissed - really burned and I had bloodshot eyes which is very rare, but a reported rare symptom of gonorrhea.
I was praying on one perspective that I had gonorrhea, so that I could at least get antibiotics to clear this up. But at the same time, there was another side of me hoping I didn't have gonorrhea or a STD for that matter (never had one before) because I did now want to live knowing I was infected.
What was confusing was that I wore a condom, so I thought there was no way I could get a STD (let's put aside that 90% figure that condoms prevent STD), but alas I had very bad and clear symptoms of gonorrhea.
Well, I bought the strongest eye drops I could to clear out my eyes and that helped a little, but it got worse before it got better. And my piss was less and less of the burning feeling I had over the last few weeks and now I am happy to report, I seem to have got rid of all symptoms naturally by myself.
There was also another sigh of relief when my STD tests came back and I came up negative for all of them.
So in summary, I randomly by coincidence had pink eye and a burning urethra which are all symptoms of gonorrhea during a few painful weeks, but miraculously did not as confirmed by STD test.
I realize now that I will never ever have sex without a condom (I've had a lot of sex with different girls all luckily and fortunately with condos), unless it is with a girlfriend or potential wife.
TL/DR: Wear condoms. They save lives!
Teotwawki69: Don't rule out kidney stones, though...
harmlessmaniac: or super-AIDS.
MaxyMu: ***SUPER AIDS***
| 4 | 3 | |
1407568728 | 1407573572 | t3_2d1yew | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling into work and posting on reddit and sprained, if not broke my ankle.
The past two weeks at work have been hell. I'm the senior tech on shift and our manager has been on vacation for the past two weeks. I also come into work before the supervisor does. We work the overnight shift doing network maintenance activities so that hopefully you don't notice.
So for the two hours before the sup shows up, and the next hour while he gets settled in, I'm the boss.
I'm also the lead tech. So, I have my own maintenance that need done, I have to do the supervisors job and the managers job all at the same time. I get to juggle outages, surprise maintenances that we were not notified of and my own work.
I'm burnt the fuck out.
So I took the night off. Its Friday and things should be quiet, so I don't feel guilty.
I'm surfing through /r/talesfromtechsupport/ where I see a post and get encouraged to post [my own story](http://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/2d1xop/the_cisco_crs3_multichassis_is_a_fickle_beast/).
I have a huge cherry desk and I like to prop my feet up on it while I'm chilling at my PC.
I decided that while writing that giant wall of text that it was time for a beer. Its Friday, Mrs. Thorium007 is out cold - I might as well enjoy my evening off.
I didn't realize my foot had fallen asleep from being propped up on my desk. I take a step out of my office towards the kitchen and **BAM** on the floor. My foot decided that it needed a break.
So here I sit, with my foot propped back up on my desk in agony and only a beer to keep me company.
And all for a story about a router crashing like the Concorde.
Edit: My foot http://imgur.com/uA8Rd2w
StandingCow: What happened to your story link? It has been deleted :(
thorium007: It seems to still be there http://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/2d1xop/the_cisco_crs3_multichassis_is_a_fickle_beast/
StandingCow: Shows as removed for me... I think the mods may have deleted it if you didn't. They got me once with that for having someone's real name in a post.
thorium007: No idea, but if ya want the story - its in your inbox.
If you don't want the story, its in your inbox.
| 5 | 2 | |
1407569555 | 1407620359 | t3_2d1z5v | t5_2to41 | 14 | violethoney: TIFU by having a meltdown and causing my sister $2200 of repair for her car for a bag of rice
I've been a longtime lurker of Reddit, never had an account/commented/posted/etc, but this happened about two months ago and it's been weighing on my mind, so decided to finally get it off my chest.
Backstory: I'm not the most naturally social person, having grown up very sheltered in the suburbs on the east coast (US) but I went to Los Angeles for college and it opened me up some. However, several very traumatizing experiences gave me major anxiety in weird conditions. two months ago my family decided that what I needed was a break, so I took a quarter off and instead of coming back to my parents, spent about 3 weeks living with my sister and her bf in their DC apartment. My sister is 5 years older than me. About 3 weeks into my staying with her and her bf, one Friday night she tells me we're out of rice and since I've been on the couch all day playing Diablo I had to be the one to go get food from safeway. Now since ive been in LA for the better part of 4 years and I don't have a car up there, I hadn't driven anywhere in a longass time. I TOLD my sister that I dunno if I'm comfortable driving at night in the city. My sister lives in the area of DC that is very very narrow roads, random one ways only, lots of busy traffic between the stadium/highway. I hadn't driven in ages, it was dark out, I wasn't familiar with the roads, I didn't know how to get to safeway, and my sense of direction is Very, Very Bad (as in I still get lost on my college campus after 3+ years of going there). So I just knew some bad shit was gonna go down, but she finally convinced me that everything would be fine because the store was really close and I needed “to put [my] big girl pants on."
So I take her car keys and get in her car. She didn't give me directions to the store because she said, "you have a gps." i still don't know if she meant google maps on my phone or the onsreen gps thing in the car. Regardless, I typed in Safeway into the gps in the car and I figured whichever came up first was the closest one. (I ended up being horribly, horribly wrong). I do eventually get to safeway but the drive took about 15 minutes. I thought maybe 15 mins is what my sis considers a short distance, so didn't think anything of it. I get the rice and go back to my car and realize my problem as soon as I'm back in the car.
I dunno how to get back to her apartment.
so I text my sister and ask for her address. She texts it to me, and I don't know why I did this, but instead of putting THAT address into the car gps (like i'd done the first time), i put it on google maps on my phone instead. I clicked the first listing and thought I was going the right way. I get out of Safeway and am driving for a pretty long time. The GPS tells me to take a couple of turns but the traffic is bad bc it's friday night and as I hit the traffic I realize i'm starting to have a mild anxiety attack. As I silently start to freak out, I miss a turn I was supposed to take. No biggie, I told myself, just take the next turn to turn around, go back, and take the turn. Well, I was panicking and the light turned yellow and I'm one of those people that doesn't hesitate to go through yellows, so I didn't slow down. I'm trying to take a left turn and as I'm going, I make the turn bad and the back left wheel hits the low cement divider thing. HARD.
Now I'm really freaking out. Ive hit a curb maybe once in my whole life, so I was freaking out but I thought maybe nothing bad would happen. Wrong. I keep going down the road for a little bit but I know something's seriously messed up because there's a loud rumbly sound and the car is shaking and I'm mentally breaking down because I realize, to my horror, I probably have a flat tire. Suspicions are confirmed when this lady and her kids walking down the sidewalk tell me to roll down the window while i'm stopped at a red and tells me that my back tire is "way flat." I won't bore you with the details after this part, but I managed to get to a deserted road and call my sister, who told me to take her insurance card and call AAA, which I do and then get out the spare tire, and eventually AAA arrives like Jesus in a halo of light and fixes my tire. So by the end of that I'm feeling really bad but also a little accomplished because the "crisis" wasn't that bad.
However, after I call my sister, I get worked up again because when I tell her where I am based on the cross section, she tells me i'm like 8 miles away. wtf. (I went to a safeway that was not the one she meant, and was way farther away. ) On top of that my phone is about dead and i'm running low on gas. so she tries to tell me how to get back and i pray i at least get back to her street in one piece. I didn't think it quite literally but man I should have. I do eventually get to her street but, as I mentioned several times, it's dark and the streets in DC are narrow as shit. what i haven't mentioned is that my depth perception, and with it my spacial awareness, has deteriorated or something, so i can't tell distances between myself and objects and stuff. so I'm driving down a narrow road, pretty close to her place, and what happens? I drive too close to one of the cars parked in the street and the right side view mirror gets knocked off. fuck me. there was a chick on a bike behind me and i thought for sure she'd call the cops or something because i basically hit and run. i didn't stop and get out to assess any damage to my sister's car or the other one, i just drove faster and hightailed it back to the apartment. when i finally get back and park the car, hyperventilating like shit, i see that the mirror didn't actually come off all the way because it's hanging by the wires that run through it. my sister's car is a hybrid camry, fairly new, so it's a nice car. well, not after i was done with it.
I go inside and my sister and her bf are there and we're having a laugh over my ineptitude but they don't know that i broke the side mirror. (i stuck it back on by slotting it into place, but literally wind could knock it down again). her bf eventually gets up to the bedroom and it's my sis and me and she asks what's wrong because i'm feeling awful and i confess about the mirror. while there was no way to lie about the mirror, i spun the tale about the flat tire to make it seem like i ran over some nails or construction site or something because I was so embarrassed. about a week later, I'm at my parents' and my sister calls us and we have a little "family discussion" because it turns out that the cost of replacing the tire is more expensive than anticipated because they have to replace all the tires (something about balance, idk), and the mirror is expensive like fuck, what with the wiring and all. ends up being $2200. Fuck my shit.
Also: my sister’s bf is on reddit all the time and I still haven’t told my sister the truth about the flat so dude, if you read this, please be kind about me when you tell her.
TL;DR Got a flat tire and broke the side mirror on my sisters car while trying to buy a bag of rice from safeway. cost of repairing the car ends up being $2200.
Miniaq: Seems unfair that you should have to replace all 4 tires.
kroneksix: Depending on wear on the other tires putting one new tire on with 3 old ones could throw things out of whack. If they are past a point its best to replace all of them.
I say your sister should have known how uncomfortable you were driving and she forced you out anyway. This is partly her fault.
violethoney: yeah from what i understood she'd gotten a flat awhile ago and replaced the front two tires so the back two were different and i guess to replace just the back one i got a flat on would throw off the balance.
yeah, a little bit, but i also understand her reasoning, since at my age i really should be able to buy a bag of rice on my own haha
kroneksix: New city, unconfident driver, night, New car. Lots of reasons you should have been forced to go
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1407569561 | 1407598264 | t3_2d1z66 | t5_2to41 | 32 | 2LateImDead: TIFU by waiting for my girlfriend outside her room
To begin with, a little back story:
We're both young (16) and have over-paranoid/controlling parents so we can't be in the same room as each-other without a parent in there.
Her mom is a little bit of a nudist, and she's over 50 years old and overweight (a lot).
Anyways, today I went to go hang out with my girlfriend for the day as my family was going fishing, which I cannot stand to do and will always avoid if I can. The day goes well for the most part, we get up at 7:00 and go to her mom's work at a cemetery, hang out there for a while, go to Mcdonald's for lunch, then we go back to my girlfriend's house.
She decides to go into her bedroom and change, and while she's doing so I have to stand in the living room waiting for her to come back out. The hallway with her room down it is right across from the doorway to her parent's room. I'm standing at the entrance to the hallway waiting for my girlfriend to come back out, and while standing there I hear a noise from across the room. Naturally, I turn my head to look (I'm a bit skiddish), and BAM, it hits me.
Her mom is standing there in her room, completely naked (and trust me, she's not one of those moms you want to see naked). I quickly turn my head back and try and forget about it, however it literally makes me sick to my stomach and I nearly vomit while standing there. Around this time, my girlfriend comes back out of her room and the first thing I say is "I saw your mom naked".
A bold move to be sure, however understands the trauma of this event. I was planning on trying to just forget about it and act like it never happened, save for telling her, but the first thing my girlfriend does is go into her mom's room and tell her that I saw her naked. Things get very awkward as her mom apologizes. Luckily, my girlfriend and I have to go feed the animals so we get out of the house and carry on with our normal conversations. But that image shall be forever burned into my eyes. I doubt even /r/eyebleach could cleanse my eyes.
TL;DR
At my girlfriends house, saw her mom naked, tried to act like it didn't happen, girlfriend tells mom, things get awkward.
nexus1972: You need to own that shit - next time you're banging your girlfriend and you think you can't last just let that image pop back into your head and whammo you're good for another 10 minutes :-) Ofc there is the risk that you may be wilted to the point of non-performance......
2LateImDead: Haha, that will probably work pretty well. Good idea.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1407570520 | 1407575774 | t3_2d1zzq | t5_2to41 | 142 | mikenikepro: TIFU by messing with my little brother
TIFU- By messing with my brother.
So not technically today but last week my family was visiting Hawaii for a vacation. Just background I have two brothers, one older and one younger, and my Catholic aunt and uncle with us.
My older brother and I were talking about this girl I hooked up with the week before and my little brother in sixth grade got curious at what that was. My brother and I, the sick people we are, explained to him that it is when a boy takes a shit on a girls chest.
He was skeptical at first but we told him he was weird for not knowing, and that people in his grade probably have already done it. He was still curious but didn't ask any questions after that.
The following evening, we were driving from our hotel to the airport. The car was silent, everyone exhausted from the long trip. Out of no where, my younger brother asks my mom word for word "Mom, is it normal for boys to shit on girls chests?"
tldr: My dumb ass brother asks my mom about shitting on girls chests.
autipus: So not technically today but last week my family was visiting Hawaii for a vacation. Just background I have two brothers, one older and one younger, and my Catholic aunt and uncle with us.
My older brother and I were talking about this girl I hooked up with the week before and my little brother in sixth grade got curious at what that was. My brother and I, the sick people we are, explained to him that it is when a boy takes a shit on a girls chest.
He was skeptical at first but we told him he was weird for not knowing, and that people in his grade probably have already done it. He was still curious but didn't ask any questions after that.
The following evening, we were driving from our hotel to the airport. The car was silent, everyone exhausted from the long trip. Out of no where, my younger brother asks my mom word for word "Mom, is it normal for boys to shit on girls chests?"
tldr: My dumb ass brother asks my mom about shitting on girls chests.
mikenikepro: Thx, too lazy to do it on my own.
autipus: fo sho, I was just doing it so I could read it. cleveland steamers and hawaii! mildly amusing! so have you ever actually shit on a girls chest?
mikenikepro: Hahaha thanks and no.
| 5 | 28.4 | |
1407569652 | 1407594757 | t3_2d1z9o | t5_2to41 | 40 | AWMK101: TIFU by masturbating in a bathroom of a hot wings restaurant.
To start off I had been having a really sexual day, but unfortunately there were some unforeseen events that cancelled me getting to finish. So later that day I decided to go to a restaurant to eat have lunch with my family, we chose a restaurant which I wont mention by name but It was mainly themed around hot wings. So I ordered the spiciest flavor of wings they had and started eating. After a few minutes talking with my family I started to notice my balls were really starting to hurt. I had heard a lot of urban myths surrounding blue balls, I didn't believe most of them but I wasn't taking my chances. So I went off to the restaurant bathroom and decided that I NEEDED to jack off so I could stop the pain in my balls. Unfortunately though I had thought that I had washed off all of the spicy sauce I apparently hadn't washed it off enough because about half way through my dick was burning. The pain was enough that my eyes were tearing up but I just kept going because I couldn't be in there for too long. Eventually I came but got in on my shirt by accident and I didn't have time to wash out the stain. I opened the bathroom door to leave and waiting right there to use the restroom was an old man around 70 years old. He looks at me, obvious cum stains and red teary eyes and he just stares me down for the most embarrassing few moments of my life.
sparklygoldfish: You never know, he's lived a long life. He probably knew that feel
CASHSWAG99: "Forgot to thoroughly wash your hands after eating wings with your family and trying relieve your blue balls in the restaurant's bathroom stall ey? I've been there."
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1407572701 | 1407616424 | t3_2d21pw | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By banging a black trannie drug dealer from Craigslist for no reason [NSFW]
So, I haven't really eaten for 2 days, and I'm taking adderall, I just haven't thought about it.
I've had a boyfriend (I'm a gay male) for over a year and a half now, and I absolutely love him.
I was completely out of it today, like 100%, everything was loopy and surreal, and I was incredibly hungry, but I kept ignoring it.
I decided to browse the Craigslist 'casual encounters' to play a game where I pick random people, and do a kind of RP chat to blueballs them.
Yes, its evil, yes, I'm a blunder cunt, I get it.
Anyway, for some reason, this specific person I replied two ended up being pretty cool. Normally, this wouldn't faze me, I would just back out immediately, and move on to the next target.
Today, for reasons fucking unknown, I decided to take the game further, and I didn't stop.
I just couldn't believe that any of this was real, like it was some stupid dream I was having.
It ended up me 'hosting', and s/he came over, and was just as chill in person, we talked a bit, and I found out s/he sells large quantities of Cannabis.
Then we smoked weed, a lot of weed, more then I every do in one sitting.
At this point, I realize that I really don't want to do this, that this is a stupid mistake.
But I couldn't stop, and it wasn't even a physical urge, it was a social anxiety and the fear of rejection,
what would s/he say? Is this person dangerous? I don't even know this person, what am I doing, if I stop, what if they go berserk?
It was about at this point I realized we were going at it bareback, and I died inside.
It hit me all at once what I was doing, that I was committing the cardinal sin against the person I love, that I was doing something incredibly fucking dangerous for no reason, and I still wanted to stop, but I couldn't.
Luckily, the stress killed my boner, and after enough failed attempts to continue the act, s/he wanted to just get off, so I obliged, and we finally called it a night, but first I bought a dub, just to be safe.
I, proving to me there is a god, did not finish, nor even get close, so that worry is out of my mind.
But now I've fucked up.
I can't NOT tell my boyfriend that I banged a black tranny drugdealer for no reason, but really didn't want to.
I can't tell my boyfriend that I banged a black tranny drugdealer for no reason, because how could I ever expect him to forgive or trust me ever again?
I fucking hate this gay earth.
TL;DR:
I didn't eat for 2 days, went crazy, hooked up with a black tranny drugdealer on craigslist, bought weed after sex, and cheated on my boyfriend of a year and a half, for no reason, and I didn't even want to, but still did. TIFU.
Paradoxa77: It is a shame to see yet another LGB person being insensative to Trans individuals. Tranny? S/he? Really?
jesspest: To be fair, my brother in law is in the process of becoming a woman and my mom, husband, and I are the only ones in our family who he has told. I am completely unprejudiced towards the LGBT community and fully support every individuals right to be who they are. That being said, I am still unsure of whether it It proper/accurate to refer to him as a he or a she. (He has not openly talked to me about it yet, but he knows that my sister has told us and discussed it a bit with us).I am just trying to be supportive and learn about it. My point is, just because people are supportive and unprejudiced towards the LGBT community does not mean that they automatically know the correct/proper way to address trans people, though I agree the use of the word "tranny" was inappropriate.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407574505 | 1407611371 | t3_2d2330 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a tongue twister
After playing Star Wars Jenga with my sons and eating tuna sandwiches for lunch, my eldest (aged 8) started saying "chewie chews tuna", pointing out that that the initial sounds are similar.
On our way to the supermarket, I started expanding this with them until we got to "chewie chews chewy tuna on Tuesday's choo choo train" as an awesome tongue twister, and we were chanting this over and over.
Now, the northern English town I live in has a substantial Haredi Jewish community. Just as we entered the supermarket, the boys piped up with the chant, just a family of 6 Haredi Jews were leaving. I suddenly realised what the chant sounded like but it was far too late. Their children looked to their dad with shocked faces, he looked at me with a mixture of hurt and contempt, and I just wished the ground would swallow me up.
All I could get out was "i...i.. No" before I hissed at my kids to shut up up and hurried them away with my head down and bright red cheeks that made me look even more guilty.
Show_me_yours_first: What?
vastila: Chewie chews chewy sounds like jewy jews jewy.
Show_me_yours_first: Okay?
daskmorn: > Tuesday's choo choo train
How were the jews sent to Auschwitz?
catwithoutafish: by submarine.
Caramel_thot: By horse-drawn carriage.
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1407577700 | 1407841454 | t3_2d25h6 | t5_2to41 | 6 | WoodyPutsKidsInJail: TIFU By shitting myself at school and trying to play it off.
(First proper post, please be nice)
So TIFU Well it was technically a long ass time ago, when I was in grade 1.
So I had NEVER taken a dump at school before this happened and I have never after this happened. But this was some serious shit (pun intended). My school had served some curry-spicy-meat-dogfood lookin thing for lunch and that wasn't going down well with my grade 1 body. I squirmed in my seat, visibly sweating for about an hour until I ran up to the teacher and pleaded for permission to leave the class room.
Now let me provide a little back story there was a reason I had never taken a dump at school, as everyone knows most grade 1 bathrooms are covered in piss and shit, especially on the floor, the TOILET SEATS, and even sometimes the walls (a different story).
My skinny 6 year old legs ran like Usain Bolt to the bathroom and the second I arrived I ran into a stall and locked that motherfucker like I was superman. I could feel the power of the curry meat dump rushing through my body but as I turned around I was then faced with the most piss/shit covered toilet seat in history so my little grade 1 brain had the excellent idea of taking a dump standing up. I could finally be freed from this monster dump, I sighed a sigh of relief as it came out but that changed to a look of absolute terror, to this day I remember my legs getting shivers and my stomach dropping as I felt something brown and sticky dropping down my leg. Of course I then panicked and tried to wipe it with tissue but that made it worse. I had no idea what to do, no I wasn't going to tell anyone. I pulled up my trousers, with a large bit of shit still down them. And promptly walked back to class.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? Of course the teachers knew, I thought I was playing it off like a champ , this girl 'Kate' came up to me and literally told me I smelled like 'doodoo' I retorted by telling her it was a medical problem I had and that I would tell on her if she was rude.
I continued my day with shit filled trousers until I got home and had a bath. Oblivious to the fact that the whole class probably knew I shit myself.
tldr: I shit myself with a monster shit in grade 1 (down my leg). I tried to play it off then I lied about a medical condition.
Vampill: "A medical problem" doesn't sound like something a 1st grader would say...
WoodyPutsKidsInJail: I was the most literate motherfucking 1st grader on the planet.
Nah I'm kidding, my sister had been ill with flu or something so I asked my parents what was wrong and the words 'medical problem' came out, I guess it stuck in my head
| 3 | 2 | |
1407577403 | 1408065035 | t3_2d25am | t5_2to41 | 16 | Techsanlobo: TIFU by forgetting to secure the latch on my Hotel Room door
Before I start, no, my hotel room was not broken into. Quite the opposite, actually.
So, I am on a business trip to Warsaw. I am staying in a very nice hotel on the "Club" level, meaning that there is a private concierge for the patrons during the day with an open bar for about 5 hours in the evening. This is a far cry from my normal lodging arrangements when I travel for pleasure (think La Quinta at best).
Now, when I drink, I sometimes sleepwalk. Not often, but sometimes. When I do drink in the evening, I usually do so at home or in my hotel with my wife, so that I may take the proper safeguards (lock the doors so that I cannot get out without waking up).
On this night, I was drinking in the club bar with a few coworkers. The bar is only 50 feet from my hotel room, so I did not worry about it too much.
Flash forward to me, slowly waking up, while walking down the hallway of the club level in just my underwear. I reason that, sense I had to go to the bathroom, that I was staggering to find a restroom in my sleep. I immediately panicked, realizing where I was. I ran right back to my room, hoping that the lock was sticky and did not engage yet.
No bueno.
I looked at my watch, and it was 3 AM. The concierge was gone for the night, so I had to go down to the lobby to get a new key. Luckily, the staff speaks very good English, so I did not have to worry about that. The other patrons of the hotel, however, did not. I have no idea what they were saying as I passed what could only be described as the polish version of a quinceanera party at its higth. The hotel staff escorted me back up to my hotel room where they made a new key for me and checked my ID.
That was not fun.
LumiLuminous: It could be worse. You didn't sleep naked.
smokinporch: Haha my dad did that once. Got woken up by the hotel room locking behind him. XP
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1407578249 | 1419894433 | t3_2d25v2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Techcole: TIFU by having a migraine
This isn't really a self induced fuck up, rather than a "my body hates me" sort of thing.
So tonight I got a migraine, for the time it lasted I was in about 8/10 for pain. I first felt it coming on at 11:00 pm while playing Xbox with some buddies, so I turned off my console and went to my medicine cabinet to grab my 'Doctor prescribed migraine go-away pills'. I took them and then went to my balcony to get some air (which usually helps a bit), it didn't... so I begin to feel nauseous, I go to my bedroom and lay on my bed for the next 3 hours (11pm-2am) with no light, sound or anything else to take my mind off of the pain that I was feeling. after 3 hours of thinking about the pain I was in, Feeling the pain I was in, and all I was thinking was 'why won't this migraine just fuck off?', finally It was over.
so now it is 2:30 am, I am feeling energized like I just drank a 20 oz red bull or had a 3 hour nap, I must get to bed as I don't feel like going to sleep at 9 am and waking up at 6 pm for the next week strait.
This is probably the closest there is to explaining a migraine to people who have not had one.
[Migraine explanation]
(http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=migraine)
tl;dr I felt the full pain of a migraine wide awake for 3 hours and now my sleep schedule is fucked up.
TheRealChocolateFrog: Fucking urban dictionary. That explanation is only partially correct. But the parts "don't take pills because you will just throw them up" and "most people get one migraine per lifetime" are fucking bullshit.
1. Not everybody vomits from migraines and some people require the pills, because not even sleep will resolve it.
2. Migraines are not a one off thing. They are something we suffer from. They are a recurring problem. They are not just really bad headaches.
Sorry... I just hate urban dictionary.
ninj4m4n: As a near weekly sufferer of migraines, I'm 110% in agreement.
BuickMcKane: Damn skippy. I get them weekly, even with the meds to lessen them.
| 4 | 1 | |
1407559657 | 1407615834 | t3_2d1p2k | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By Giving My Dogs Beard a Hair Cut
So this actually happened probably around 7 years ago when I was probably 7 or 8 (I'm 15 now). And I actually haven't told anyone this story before.
**Little back story:** At the time my dad was with another women, and she convinced him to move to another state, so I went with them over the summer then would return when school started to go live with my mom again. So we move there and in a week or so we get a new dog from a pet store in the mall. It was a little white shih tzu type looking dog. Me and my dad worked really hard to get the dog potty trained, and took it to training classes at PetSmart everyday. Within a month or so the puppy was completely trained.
So after about 2 months after we have the dog, I realize that his beard around his mouth looks really long, and I feel bad for him because it looks to be "annoying him". So I decide it'd be best to give him a quick trim with my surprisingly sharp safety scissors. I proceed to cut the hair around his mouth, and as soon as I snip down the scissors he sticks his tongue out to lick them. Snip I cut halfway through his tongue. At this point I start freaking out because theres a lot of blood. So I didn't want to get into trouble so I headed up stairs and put him in the kitchen and go get my dad panicking, saying "Dad the dogs tongue it bleeding really bad! I think he cut himself when he was eating one of his pig ears (its a hard treat that we used to give him)". so at this point its late at night, like 10 pm or so, so my dad makes quick phone calls around and finds a place to take him to, I stay home while him and his girlfriend go and take him to the vet. By now I'm balling, and telling myself "I just killed my dog!" and telling myself that I don't deserve to live. So I pick up the phone and call my mom back home, and tell her that my dog might die, but never telling her that I cut its tongue myself. And she somehow calms me down.
The dog ended up being fine, just got a few stitches. I never told my dad the real story, or anyone. And we no longer have the dog anymore because when my dad left his girlfriend she took the dog to her dads house and we never saw him again. Now my dad is with my mom again, and we have had 2 dogs and 2 cats with no incidents like this to be had since we've had them for 4 years now.
**TIL:** Never give your dogs beard a cut with scissors.
**TL;DR:** Cut my dogs beard with a pair of scissors, accidentally cut his tongue halfway, never told anyone what really happened.
rr92969901: How did the dog react to you cutting its tongue? Besides bleeding I guess.
[deleted]: Surprising not much. He whined right away for like a second, then seemed like he was just fine.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407580256 | 1407585314 | t3_2d27ab | t5_2to41 | 41 | jjsa202: TIFU by having sex with my GF NSFW
There is a moment in life from which I feel... well, you'll know what I mean. The following is a descriptive sexual moment with my SO, I hope I filled a part of that sexual appetite we redditors seem to have.
It's a cold January day (2014), I'm finally back from vacation and get to see my gf. We have been sexting all vacation. Talking about how we want to fuck each other senseless and try all these new positions. We are in her apartment, and we ordered a pack of condoms online before-hand. We go to the mail center in her apt. and run into her room, condoms in hand, kissing each other, biting, grabbing dat ass n titties.
We get naked and I throw her light body on the bed. I get on top of her and put my dick in her mouth. She starts sucking my dick, she tells me she missed sucking it and that gets me rock hard. I put on the condom, tell her I am going to fuck her senseless, slap her, spank her and grab her tender breasts. I am soo fucking ready to fuck her.
I decide to try this new position I made up. I closed her legs, spread my legs over hers, and proceeded to fuck her. Her tender, soft, tight walls are orgasmic. After a minute, I can't take it anymore, I thrust harder and faster, and she gets wetter, 'til finally, I cum.
After that, I tell her sex with her is amazing. She asked if I came. Said that I only rubbed the outside of her pussy. Turns out I was humping her thighs... and came in 1 minute.
Short version: month dry spell, fuck her, came. Turns out I only fucked her thighs and came in a minute.
plosone: Well what stopped you going down on her and starting round 2?
jjsa202: the shame...
plosone: Not trying to be a douche,but what shame? Unless the two of you are teenagers/college kids, she is most likely to feel happy that her bf didn't bang anyone abroad and was so hot for her that he came by humping her. Shit like this always happen. Happened to me too(not this specifically). Laugh it off and start round 2 man! She won't mind.
jjsa202: Hey, thanks for the support!
We are actually college students. And she was happy that I did not bang anyone else Haha. True man, I'll take your advice to heart. ATM, we actually broke up, but definitely going to put it into practice!
plosone: Best of luck!
jjsa202: Bro hug
| 7 | 5.857143 | |
1407581504 | 1407616933 | t3_2d286u | t5_2to41 | 55 | Large_Tallons: TIFU: by showing my shit to the cleaning staff
It was a quiet evening, my last night of a business trip in Italy, and i had decided to go out and see if i couldn't just get myself a piece of snatch for the evening. I didn't just want to slip out of the room and down to a random bar, i wanted something special. first I would shower and scrub by body, shave, trim my pubes, ears and nose hairs and clip my nails. i would then slip into a suit - something sleek and expensive looking. then, and only then, would i leave the hotel and look for an upmarket bar where a gentleman of means could secure himself a bit of gash for the evening.
All went well up until the point of me leaving the hotel room. i was indeed ready to the fullest, i looked dapper, had a good chunk of green in my pocket, and, as i was concerned, looking like a fucking greek god. The only problem was, i need a shit.
So i head on into the bathroom and proceed to lay a cable unlike any i have laid before. it was a foot long if it wasn't an inch my dear reader. i finished, and looked down at it , it was a monster. and it made me proud. i said a tearful goodbye, then flushed. But wait, It didn't go away. i flushed again, the same thing - no word of a lie, i must have flushed a dozen times or more. the beast wouldn't move, its vast girth and perverse length was more than the u-bend could handle. there was nothing i could use to fish it out with, no toilet brush with which to break it into smaller portions or push it down with, no. there was to be no help had here my friends. I toyed with the idea of leaving the shit in the toilet and going out, but i feared bringing one of the fairer sex back to my room least she should cast here eye upon this ungodly deed residing in my bathroom. I flushed a few more times to no avail and decided i would contact the reception to ask for help. i was told that there were cleaning staff on my floor, and that they could help. I left my room and soon came across an elderly lady with a cleaning trolley. i tried to explain my dilemma, but she could speak no English, and I, no Italian. so there i am in the hallway trying to explain my predicament to her by using sign language and noises. She doesn't get it, another cleaner walks by and is stopped by the first, she too tries to understand the problem, but alas, she hasnt a clue of what i`m trying to say either. The evening was not as young as it had once been, so i decided to crack on by just showing them the problem. i invite them into my bathroom, and present them with my giant poo. they look at it, and take a step back. "wait" i cry, and point at the shit, and then at the flusher. i press the flusher, and the shit disappears around the U-Bend, and out of my life. the cleaners look at me, clap, and then leave the room.
tl;dr by showing my shit to the cleaning staff.
[deleted]: Meanwhile, they're thinking, "Those Americans can't even take a shit without boasting about it."
scottishidiot: I was thinking British. Do Americans use the word gash for vag?
Large_Tallons: british
[deleted]: I definitely thought British from the writing style, but Brits don't tend to use "green" to describe currency, so that made me think you were a US writer. Don't you guys use "quid" for currency slang?
| 5 | 11 | |
1407583141 | 1409075256 | t3_2d29e1 | t5_2to41 | 97 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching a guy with a gold tooth
Since it happened after Midnight, it practically is still today so here we go: I got drunk last night in a club called Gonzo. Typical night out, I went by myself and met a whole bunch of old friends. We had a great time and were dancing to sweet rock music. Out of the blue my friends and I (all three girls) were pushed into the DJ Booth in front of us.
I turn around and see this sleezy asshole with a gold tooth jumping up and down and being overall way too excited for it to be a coincidence or accident of some sort. People around us were already screaming at him and I saw that one of my friends was hurt in the chest cause she bumped right into the corner of the booth. Me being the heroine and utterly intoxicated went and confronted the guy, asking if he's stupid.
He just laughed and was like 'what, we're all having fun here'. I disagree and things get heated. We push each other around for a while until he pushed a little too hard. I'm 5.1. And a girl. You don't go pushing tiny ladies in a club. Especially not when you look like a tool with that gold tooth. So I punched him in the face, trying to knock that stupid grin off his face. Worked like a charm. Security saw everything, agreed with me and escorted the Slimeball out of the club.
Fast forward to this morning, when I woke up on my couch, fully clothed and still somewhat drunk. My right Hand is hurting like a bitch and I came to realize: I know that gold toothed fucktwat. He is the PR Dude for some actor in the country I work in. I am an entertainment journalist and I will have to organize interviews and such with said actor. That means: I have to deal with Mr. Fuckhead who I just punched in the face. Great.
ITT: Got drunk and punched a guy I need to work with in the future.
**EDIT: Wow! You guys. Thanks for all the lovely attributes you shower me in. Really appreciate it. For your information: I wrote this post while still very intoxicated. Even though some of your comments are equally disgusting as you seem to think I am, I took them to heart and called the Dude to apologize. He remembered being a dick and apologized as well. Luckily I am a weak girl and did not do much harm to his face (or his gold tooth) but I still feel bad. I am certainly not proud of what I did and I do realize I probably provoked the situation to unwind just as much as he did. I can not emphazise enough however, that violence in any form, wether it is in male or female form is a dick move so yeah, therefore, I fucked up.**
itskyalnotkyle: "We push each other around for a while until he pushed a little too hard. I'm 5.1. And a girl. You don't go pushing tiny ladies in a club." Fuck you. You push someone they'll push back. Stop using your height and gender as an excuse to lay your hands on someone else.
[deleted]: Exactly. She provoked it. What makes her think she could just go around punching people?
SpeckleDorf9000: Yeah! Girls think they are royalty and can nearly kill you and have you not fight back. If i get punched in the face, whether its a guy or a girl i will punch back. Also women complain about not being equal with men but then don't want to be able to be drafted to the army when guys have no choice. If a girl punched me in the face i would punch that bitch back.
[deleted]: Not all women think like this, though. I'm a girl and I don't agree with the whole "guys can't hit me because I'm a girl" thing. Yeah, there are women out there like OP who think they could get away with anything because of gender status, but like I said, not all of them do.
SpeckleDorf9000: Sorry Most girls do.
| 6 | 16.166667 | |
1407587813 | 1407672759 | t3_2d2d6g | t5_2to41 | 1 | reditthroaway: Tifu by suggesting we watch porn while having sex
In July me and my boyfriend (gay couple) celebrated our 3 year anniversary of dating. Everything was going well the whole day and at the end of the day we felt like it was time to do the deed but my boyfriend wasn't up to it (due to plumbing issues). No worries it happens.
Now i am a horny bastard but i only allow myself to masturbate once per day when my boyfriend doesn't have the day off. So this leads to last night, my boyfriend had worked the day so clearly I had masturbated while he was away. Knowing that he would probably want to make up for the Anniversary night sexy time I went ahead anyways. So when it came for sexy time last night, I couldn't get fully into it. At that time I decided to ask him to try and get it working. We decided that it would be nice if he discovered what I like and dont like. Finally we get to the fantasies questions. I tell him that I would like to try watching porn together and possibly masturbate with him or have it act as a catalyst and increase the intensity. Now my boyfriend thinks that porn is private while I have no qualms about watching it with him. He begins to think that he is not adequate and that he should have the focus not porn. Needless to say I ended up spending some time on the couch.
mynameisbob69: It's as though gays have arguments about relationships just like real people
MyUserSucks: Ouch.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1407589365 | 1407605109 | t3_2d2eox | t5_2to41 | 41 | RedEvoLight: TIFU by shitting all over my house!
This happened a while ago not today.
It was almost the end of the day at school and I was sitting in class. I asked to be excused from class early that day as I needed to take a shit (obviously I just told the teacher I wasn't feeling well and he let me leave the class). Now there was no way in hell I would take a shit in the bathrooms at our school (even tho I REALLY needed to shit) since they're disgusting as hell and horny teenagers cum all over them.
I think to myself, "hmmmmm... I could probably survive the half hour walk to my house where I could take a peaceful shit in my own, clean bathroom." WRONG!
Halfway through the walk, I feel the shit starting to come out, so I start bolting home. When I'm a few houses away from my house, there's nothing I could do anymore. It slips out onto my underwear. I feel it starting to slip down my pants, so I grab it with my hand to keep it from falling onto the road. Then I finally get to my house, unlock the door and I take off my pants and underwear, and leave them at the entrance.
At this point shit is just dripping out of my ass onto the hallway floor like it's nobody's business. I come up with something clever; just finish taking your shit in the toilet, take a shower and then clean up the shit in the hallway.
This shouldn't be a problem since my parents are working, which means I am home alone for an hour every day after school. No one will even know that I shit myself. Unfortunately, this was the one day out of the entire year where my mom got home only about 5 minutes after I did, so I was nowhere near done what I had planned to do.
I can only imagine what her reaction must of been when she entered the house and saw shit all over her hallway floors. Worst part of all...it was diarrhea.
NotEverSerious: Seriously, are there any TIFUs lately that haven't been about shit or cum?
violethoney: TIFU has taught me when dudes fuck up it will involve cum or shit or both.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1407593428 | 1407594367 | t3_2d2iv0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not knowing his grandma was here.
[deleted]: What do you think she was doing on her ipad?
Old ladies need a fap too
[deleted]: Lol my friend said she had been reading on it for an hour before I came in, so it seemed like she was really into her book hopefully?
[deleted]: Or james deen
[deleted]: Yeah, or James Deen.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1407593673 | 1407607331 | t3_2d2j61 | t5_2to41 | 63 | comeoneilleen: TIFU by giving my gf a howling orgasm in public
I've been inspired by reading the sexual escapades of other f-ups to make my first post. So it was back when I was in my early 20's. My gf and I had a healthy appetite for sex in public. The danger of getting caught amped up the excitement. So on this occasion we were watching the fireworks display at the waterfront. Beautiful night, beautiful fireworks, stars shining brightly, and a beautiful woman by my side. Wasn't long before we found a nice grassy spot under a tree.
So we're in the throes of passion and this encounter is feeling excitingly different. Her moaning is building up quicker than usual and getting increasingly louder. Her gyrating hips would make a whirling dervish blush. So of course I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my skills. I'm thinking, yeah man, I'm tapping this to ecstasy.
Her moaning is getting so loud I'm now at the point where I'm thinking we're going to get busted. But a man doesn't leave a job unfinished and I carry on dutifully. Just as this mind numbing orgasmic pleasure hits, she screams out, shoves me off of her, jumps up, and starts swatting at all of these ants that were biting her. Her ass and legs were covered in ants.
I felt horrible for her but realised what a thoughtful gf I had for putting up with the biting for so long.
tl dr: having sex with my gf in a park, thought my mad skills was sending her to ecstasy, realised it was ants biting her ass that caused the loud moaning.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: If this gets more than 30 points I am going to unsub. This shit is getting ridiculous.
"TIFU by being so good at SEX that I made my GIRLFRIEND (as in a real woman that had sex with me) moan so load from pleasure that it caused a QUIRKY SCENARIO! Don't worry, everyone was cool about it and there were no consequences."
str8slash12: Did you even read the post.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: No I based my comment off of the title like a dumbass and then decided to leave it up so people could see the context for the replies.
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1407602904 | 1407660350 | t3_2d2k5q | t5_2to41 | 6 | henrebotha: Unsolicited kissing is sexual assault, especially since you were masturbating at the time. You have to realise, right now, that what you did is rape, even if you didn't know.
[deleted]: Well....not quite rape. Sexual assult, yeah, but not rape. Jeez.
henrebotha: He involved an unwilling participant in a sex act.
[deleted]: Yeah but not rape. Rape=Penetrative sexual assault. What he did wasn't rape. Of curse it wasn't okay, but it wasn't rape, it was sexual assault.
henrebotha: Depends on the jurisdiction.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407597233 | 1407635560 | t3_2d2nep | t5_2to41 | 2,441 | Lightfail: TIFU by letting my toads croak.
Many moons ago, at the irresponsible age of 13, I owned two "fire belly toads", who resided happily in a tank I spent way too much time working on. Them, being toads, only had to eat twice a week, and I would fulfill their hunger by sending innocent crickets to their inevitable death.
Eventually, the toads were becoming a hassle to handle (remember, I was 13), so I decided it was perfectly acceptable instead of giving them two small meals twice a week, one big meal once a week.
This is where I really started to FU.
Having in my young mind more relevant and unimportant things to do, I eventually forgot to feed my toads.... For two weeks.
Yeah, I checked the tank one fateful morning I check the tank to feed my toads after realizing I forgot for a while... And found the corpse of one of my toads with the legs of the other unfortunate creature in its mouth. Only now did I realize what happened.
Goliath, the bigger toad, got hungry. He saw Limpy, the smaller toad, as a perfectly acceptable meal. So he lunged and began to chew on his companion, killing Lompy. Apparently afterwards, Goliath realized Lumpy was too big of a meal and he literally bit off of more than he could chew, and as a result, choked on his buddy to the point of his death.
TL;DR: In a toad eat toad world, one bit off more that he can chew, and croaked.
Edit: To clarify, I had Lampy and Goliath for for a bit less than three years before the incident
Double edit: Y'all don't believe me so here's a pic of Goliath Squishing Lampy/Lempy/Limpy/Lompy/Lumpy and sometimes Lympy against the wall
http://imgur.com/sBiloA
Triple Edit: [Goddamnit.](http://imgur.com/ZWGqMxK)
Quadruple Edit: The Ever Changing Vowel is a joke. I typed it in wrong and just went with it. The small toads name is Limpy.
CelineDionSucks: At first when I read "letting my toads croak" I was like "oh man, what terrible sexual thing is this that I haven't heard of?!"
And then I realized it was toads croaking.
rhp1: Yeah, but if I said "I'm off to croak the toad" I bet you'd understand me.
shinydragonite: A lot of variations of: I'm off to [verb] the [noun] works
shaggyshag420: "I'm off to verb the noun. See you in 30 seconds."
u1tralord: but... "verb" is a noun
shaggyshag420: In which context?
CHOOCHOODogetrain: In YOUR context!
shaggyshag420: Do you know the difference between verbs and nouns?
TheRabidDeer: Yes of course. Verbs starts with a v and nouns start with an n. I count 4 other differences as well, but I trust I don't need to list those out for you, do I?
Anything else Mr Smarty Pants?
shaggyshag420: Nope. You pretty much hit the nailed it on that one.
Gay-Lussac: >You pretty much **hit the nailed it on that one.**
Limpy Lumpy Lompy.
| 12 | 203.416667 | |
1407599333 | 1407659201 | t3_2d2qgg | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by sticking in my....
I regret so much about this night. I regret the fallout that will result from all of this. I picked up one of my workers from a bar. She is all alone this week because her fiance is on a trip to Utah to visit his family who hates her for not being a good Mormon. I invite my two friends over and long story short they end up drinking at my place. She gets plastered and pulla me in my bedroom. I'll be quick with the story now. She starts showing me all sorts of porn where the female is abused and beaten up. I go along with it after she started looking worried that I wasn't into it. She eventually prusuaded me into tying her up and spanking her ass with my shirt over her head. After that we go back and talk to my friends. She drags me back a bit later and blows me and begs me to fuck her. I refuse and I spend the next two hours trying to convince her not to fuck me. I am now laying in bed after listening to a rendition of the entire dream girls soundtrack. BTW my friends are guarding the room I'm in. I want to quit my job and I hate myself. This is making me doubt my abilities to continue living a stable life.
TL;DR Don't stick your dick in crazy and fuck Beyonce.
tufftysilverbirch: Oh, wow!
How are you going to deal with this one?
I couldn't help but laugh my arse off at this! It's really not going well for you!
TwentyEnvelope: I just don't feel good. Worried how she will act at work now. Little worried about the fiance coming back and other stuff like that.
tufftysilverbirch: Yeah, I think it's definitely going to be awkward at work.
How well do you know her? Do you think she'll tell her fiance?
TwentyEnvelope: Don't know her well at all. We just talked at work. Nothing to suggest that this would happen. She won't tell him, the whole time she was saying shit like I wish he would to this to me and so on. She even cuddled me and played with my hair. She kept saying she can't do this with him since the religion gets in the way. It was awkward as fuck for me.
tufftysilverbirch: Omg, she sounds bat shit crazy!
I would be so freaked out if someone did that to me! I would say avoid her at all costs! Even if she tries talking to you in work just completely ignore her. Either that or leave the country!
If I were in your shoes, mate, I'd go for the second one! Haha
TwentyEnvelope: Yeah that's the plan. My friend who took her home is with me now. She says that she spent the night at her house and ended up going to church with her today for some special group. She says shit got weird and lot of praying occurred.
tufftysilverbirch: You really got yourself into a stupid situation, here! (But you don't need me to tell you that!)
She does sound absolutely mental. I really hope you've learnt from this mistake!
Your friend needs a medal or something for putting up with her, there's no way I would have done it!!
TwentyEnvelope: Yeah my buddy is a total trooper. I'm taking her out for lunch for being awesome
tufftysilverbirch: Yeah, well deserved! When do you have work next? You'll have to let me know how it goes! Haha!
TwentyEnvelope: Monday so thats going to be great.
tufftysilverbirch: As I said, just avoid her at *all* costs! You don't need shit to get any weirder!
But let me know how it goes? Hope it doesn't go too bad for you!
Good luck!
| 12 | 2.25 | |
1407600166 | 1407643601 | t3_2d2roo | t5_2to41 | 16 | ShamedShamedShamed: tifu my printing out facebook pics of my gf's best friend so I could masturbate onto them.
I made a terrible error last evening. I have been doing this for a long time but had kept it secret, of course. I print out pictures of my girlfriends best friend, and put them on the floor. I take off my clothes and masturbate over the pictures. Usually I am kneeling on the ground right above them. The reason I do this is that I find it to be a turn on to ejaculate right onto the picture. (It is very hot to later be hanging out with the person or whatever and they have no idea you came on their photos, lol.)
Well to my horror last evening when I was almost done my activity my girlfriend actually walked in. I was astonished and horrified. I scrambled to hide the pictures in the hope that maybe she'd just think I was jacking it in some weird way and not see WHO the picture was of, but I was too slow and she did see.
Oh. My. God. **NO!!!!!!!!!**
She is very disgusted and furious, and also thinks I like her friend or something. I tried to explain I do think her friend is very hot but I would not actually do her, I do not cheat. But still she was mad? I am mortified she will tell her friend, and I also think she will break up with me.
I am shamed and humiliated! I can not think of a good excuse to make up, some sort of explanation that would make sense to both of them. I lose in all scenarios.
Dasnap: Her friend? Really? Of course she is gonna be mad. How would you feel if she was flicking the bean to pictures of your friends?
Seniornosleep: I would be turned on, honestly. Threesome inbound!
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1407599019 | 1407634604 | t3_2d2pzs | t5_2to41 | 23 | SnewpDoge: TIFU by jizzing on my mechanical keyboard
So earlier today I decided that it would be a good idea to rub out my "barrel", So I proceeded to do just that. About 15 minutes later it was time to shoot my bullets, the moment was intense. But all of a sudden right as I pull the "trigger" I forget that I don't have anything to catch it with. It was too late though, the "bullets" had already left the barrel and were already heading straight to my 90$ mechanical keyboard.
As soon as it happened I stormed to the other side of my desk to unplug the keyboard before further damage occurs. I waited to let it dry and then a few hours later I plugged it in and tried typing a couple of things, but unfortunately the only thing that worked on the keyboard was the Windows Lock Key. I felt very guilty that I had killed such a nice keyboard due to my negligence. From this day on every time I use a mechanical keyboard I will be reminded of how much I don't deserve to be typing on such a beautiful machine, I don't even think I can bring myself to buy another one.
I would of-course RMA it, but I don't want to factory workers at Corsair to have to suffer from the odor and stickiness of mistakes.
R.I.P In Pieces Corsair K65 2014-2014.
GabenOurSaviour: Send it over to them, its Corsairs fault for not making their keyboards good enough to withstand a small amount of liquid. I spilled a whole cup of coffee on my Logitech keyboard, got all the keys out and left it to dry for two days, it works like new and the only damage done was that the paint came off some of the keys, oh and did I mention the keyboard was $10?
SnewpDoge: Ill try to let dry further to see if might work then, but I don't think Corsair would allow RMAs related to damage you did.
sportsziggy: Head on over to /r/MechanicalKeyboards if you want some help.
^^^or ^^^if ^^^you ^^^want ^^^to ^^^let ^^^me ^^^buy ^^^it ^^^off ^^^of ^^^you
SnewpDoge: How much would you buy it for?
sportsziggy: $10 for the keyboard
$10 for the jizz ^^^shipping
SnewpDoge: It actually still works now but after a while everything starts to glitch out including my mouse.
sportsziggy: If you're ever looking to get rid of it, I'll take it off your hands.
But either way, good luck with it!
| 8 | 2.875 | |
1407601167 | 1407633007 | t3_2d2t5a | t5_2to41 | 23 | LordDiggersby: TIFU by shoulder tackling a random girl
First time poster and no this wasn't today... It all happened when I was kindergarten so I was 5(now 18). Now, I haven't had much experience with making friends since it was my first year of school in general. I ended up befriending another dude whose name I can't remember. I'm gonna call him "Luis" cause I faintly remember it having an L. So we were cool and all but in different classes. We normally played how little kids do and run around for no reason during recess. There were 3 playgrounds and a field behind a hill with a basketball court in between them. One day I couldn't find Luis so I went around looking for him. I go to the hill to check the field and he was surrounded by girls with locked hands skipping around him. I don't know why this even happened but basically I charged down the hill(kind of steep hill + momentum) and shoulder tackled the closest girl. She flew, not literally, but ended up a few yards away with a face of despair and almost immediately began crying. Not knowing what to do, I just ran away. I spent the whole rest of my recess hiding from the girls and avoiding teachers. Keep in mind that this happened in the first 15 minutes and our recess was about 45 minutes long. I haven't even thought of my friend this whole time, I just wanted to avoid being in trouble. To this day, I still don't know why I did what I did. I felt bad but I've told a handful of people a couple years ago and they thought it was pretty hilarious so no harm done, I guess.
Gist of the story, I tried to "save" my new friend from girls skipping around him and tackled a girl.
I'm sorry random girl!
soalone34: Now that's a cockblock.
LordDiggersby: not really since what are girls when you're 5?
soalone34: Cootieblock? In that case you're a hero.
LordDiggersby: In that case, I probably am!
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1407599202 | 1407822544 | t3_2d2q96 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking coffee
I went to the gym and started doing deep squats, I found out my body does not tolerate caffein at all.
[deleted]: and you accidentally came on your family member after cutting up jalapenos?? classic!
psyduckyourself: No i shit myself
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407599928 | 1407620949 | t3_2d2rba | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU By Soaking My In-Law's Food In My Excrement
This happened on the night I first met my now-wife's parents. My wife and I were newly engaged at the time and this was a big deal for me and I wanted to make a good first impression.
Right at the end of our chat I need to go and use the bathroom. I sit down, do my thing and then flush. The mess doesn't go down. Not fully paying attention, I flush it a second time. Now the water rises upwards at an alarming rate. In horror, I glance around for a plunger or toilet brush to quickly clear out the crap (literally) to allow the water to drain down, but there's nothing. Water levels hit maximum and splash over the rim, dousing the floor and surrounding area. In panic, I search under the sink for something to clear the toilet. I'd never been in their house before, so I didn't notice the furnace vent next to the base of the toilet.
The water continues to gurgle up from the toilet and puddle onto the floor. Then I hear a new sound, a sort of metallic trickling. Alarmed, I investigate and see that the crap-water from the toilet has entered the furnace vent and is making its way into the unmapped depths of furnace ducts in the house. I throw the bathroom mat over the top of the furnace vent and plunge my arm into the toilet to unplug it. The effluent waterfall slows and then recedes as the toilet finally clears and flushes.
I was in the shit—quite literally standing in it. I start to clean up. Then I hear voices from elsewhere in the house. The voices sound upset. Meanwhile, there is nothing in the bathroom to clean the floor with, unless I use their decorative hand towels. I decide to man up and ask for a mop. I exit the bathroom and follow the sound of the upset voices, which are coming from the basement. At this point in the story I'll give you a bit of info about furnace ducts, if you are not familiar with them. They are large pipes that carry warm air from the furnace throughout the house. They are not watertight.
I walk downstairs and discover my fiance's family gathered around their basement pantry. At the exact same time as they turn to face me I look up and see that the pantry ceiling is crossed by furnace ducts. Lively streams of stained water run down from the ducts all over the food in the pantry. My jaw drops. I apologize profusely and try to explain about blocking the toilet upstairs.
Fortunately, they are extremely understanding and don't hurl me forcefully from their house. Unfortunately—and this still makes me wince—my wife and I had an important appointment. Her parents know about it and tell us to just go to it. They clean everything while we are gone. We never spoke of it again.
TL;DR: Crapped in my in-law's pantry and they cleaned it up.
letterbox22: If there is a furnace duct in the bathroom, surely that means bad smells would waft throughout the house into the pantry too??
[deleted]: I've never noticed. I think that they dissipate somewhat in the network of pipes. Also, in winter, warm air is flowing into the bathroom from the furnace, rather than the other way around. In summer, the vents are closed. This happened in winter, so the vents were open.
On the other hand, sound does carry through the ducts. You have to be careful of what you say and in what room you say it.
| 3 | 11 | |
1407605047 | 1407610232 | t3_2d2yn3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by washing my pubes.
This actually happened last night, not today. So, I have been dating this girl for about two weeks and last night was the night I was positive we would have sex. Knowing this was a big day, I showered thoroughly before the date that would take place later that night. Long story short, the date goes well and we end up back at my place. Before I know it, we end up having sex (Sorry, but I won't be getting into the details). Suddenly, in the middle of pounding her vagina, she starts screaming very loudly. I pull out and ask her WTF is up. She informs me that her vagina feels like it's on fire and accuses me of giving her an STD. Knowing that I don't have any STDs, I rush her to the ER. When we get there the doctor says she is having an allergic reaction. GF is only allergic to one thing, so it is only a matter of figuring out how it came in contact with her vagina. Thinking back to a few weeks ago when I was taking a shit, I remember reading the thing she is allergic to in the ingredients section on my shampoo bottle. I came to the conclusion that when I washed my pubes before the date with this shampoo, the ingredient she was allergic to came in contact with her vagina when we had sex. I told GF what happened; she was not amused, but eventually forgave me.
TL;DR: GF was allergic to ingredient in my shampoo. I washed my pubes with it, causing her to have an allergic reaction in her vagina.
eat-KFC-all-day: GF will be fine. The effects were only temporary.
raulsanchezz:
So, is she still accusing you if stds?
eat-KFC-all-day: Maybe
| 4 | 2 | |
1407599982 | 1407608043 | t3_2d2re1 | t5_2to41 | 137 | thivai: TIFU by hooking up with my high school crush
This happened during the summer of my sophomore year in college. I was visiting my mom and ran into my high school crush who was going to the university there. I had told her how I felt right before high school ended, and I think she was flattered but also overwhelmed (it was kind of John-Cusack-dramatic), and at the time she was in a relationship that she was keeping secret. We emailed a couple of times over our first year in college, but like it goes, we got caught up in the new worlds of college and young adulthood and contact became sporadic. So, when we saw each other, it was nostalgic and novel at the same time, and the chemistry was good—she was laughing at my jokes, there were no pauses in the conversation, lots of eye contact, and there was that soft buzz that hangs around in the air when everything is falling into place during a particular moment.
We talked for a couple of hours at the coffee shop where we bumped into each other and then went to a taco place around the corner for dinner and made plans to hang out at her apartment after. It was about this time during the evening that the idea of hooking up as a possible situation entered my mind. She looked amazing, better than she did in high school, and now that there were no parents or curfews, all options were on the table. I tried to keep it under control, after all she only suggested we go see her apartment and listen to some CDs, but the last time I had done that with a girl, boobs were revealed, so I was cheerfully optimistic that the night, as good as it had been, could really only get better.
I followed her to her apartment building, saw a convenience store across the street, and offered to get beer. I had recently turned 20, but I had learned that confidence and attitude were half the battle, so I concentrated so much on my mental state and being a serious man with important things to do that I didn't realize what I had picked up, so I walked out of the store a serious man carrying a six-pack of golden wine coolers.
It turns out that the result was better than I anticipated. My crush’s roommate was home, but she liked wine coolers and took a couple of bottles and retreated to her bedroom and shut the door. I started seeing the signs that this might actually happen, and my heart rate increased and my palms started sweating a little. So I knocked back a bottle of sugary liquid courage as we went into her room, and I asked her about some good classical musicians I should be listening to.
She told me about a CD that was great to listen to while getting backrubs. But my mind didn’t register that because it was focused on the Category 5 shit hurricane about to breach the levee of my asshole.
It would seem that cheap tacos, wine coolers, and the nervousness of possibly hooking up with the girl I pined after for four years was the perfect storm, and I raced into her bathroom and proceeded to destroy it.
I tried—as hard as any man questing for true love has tried—to keep it to a discreet flow, but it signaled its arrival as befits the coming of the apocalypse. Trumpets of doom sounded from my ass, followed by the sound of forcefully ejected shit fluids attempting to tear asunder the porcelain commode. My bowels evacuated so quickly that it left a void in my abdomen that caused me to become queasy—you know the feeling you get when your “stomach drops,” but literally in this case, as I’m sure tattered parts of my intestines were hanging from my blown out asshole.
The sound was then followed by the smell, which smelled like shit and a little bit like the inside of a freshly killed animal, sort of metallic and like raw meat. There was no window and no air freshener, and so the stain of my sin was going to last longer than I would have preferred in this situation.
I pulled up my pants and came to the realization that I had not quite made it in time as my underwear and pants wrapped their cold, wet, and gritty arms around my butt cheeks.
I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. My life was shit and I would never be happy, and I needed to go home to my mom’s and change my clothes. I emerged from the bathroom. My crush wouldn’t even look at me, and I mumbled something about an early start in the day and ran out of her apartment. I opened the car door, squelched down into the seat and my own shame, and that’s when my brain registered what she had said about the backrubs.
tl;dr I had the opportunity to hook up with my high school crush dream girl but tacos and wine coolers caused me to shit my brains out at her place and then go home alone smelly and sad.
Yeo0: I seriously went from a huge grin to frown by reading this man. Maybe try to contact her in some way?
thivai: Oh, we remained friends and write or message every few months--it was just one of those events that was incredibly embarrassing and disappointing at the time but funny later. Keep the grin--it is definitely a funny, if shitty, story.
i_pk_pjers_i: Yeah but you didn't get to do her. :(
| 4 | 34.25 | |
1407598022 | 1407618316 | t3_2d2oip | t5_2to41 | 69 | hoosiernative09: TIFU by offending my students
This was yesterday morning at school. I am a male teacher at the hs level. During my all girls PE class we were playing kickball. One of the girls stepped up and booted the ball for a pop fly. The outfielder catches it and I yell "Nice Snatch", as the female principal is walking through the gym. (all the girls stop and look at me) I immediately realize what I said and tried playing it off by continuing to compliment her on the "catch".
Later in the day I had a class that was giving me hell because i wear red all the time and not the school colors. They reccomend I go buy a 10 dollar tshirt from the bookstore. I replied, "I cant Im poor.." (teach in the most impoverished county in the state, but live in a 3000 sq foot house 2 counties over) I again realize what I said but didn't make a comment about it. Those students probably didn't think about it.
Tl;Dr TIFU by saying snatch in front of all females and the principal & by slipping up about financial status in a poor county
rationalinquisition: Honestly I think you are probably making a bigger deal about this than your students.
hoosiernative09: maybe so, but heres a back story. teacher that i replaced this year was fired for inappropriate behavior with the female students. So on the 5th day of school the principal hears me yell "snatch" at one of the kids. You can see where my mind goes from here
IbraHere: yeah I'm still in high school, you can trust me I wouldn't care at all.
But girls can be pretty annoying bitches so be careful keep your distance.
totallynot14_: your opinion =/= everyone else's
IbraHere: I saw lol.
| 6 | 11.5 | |
1407605171 | 1407623908 | t3_2d2yu1 | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU By becoming a baby daddy
Two days ago I went to this party with my friend Josh. I meet this girl Ashley and we really hit it off, after a few drinks we go back to my place and commence sexy time. We begin making out and other erotic things (you guys know). Knowing I don't have any condoms I ask her if she has one, she says "We can do pull out". After about 10 minutes of extreme love making I scream "I'm gonna cum!" Then she wraps her legs around my body and screams back "Be my baby daddy!" Not knowing what to do I try to hold it back, but I was too far in. As soon as we were done I left leaving my phone number on a peice of paper next to her phone. She hasn't called me yet. I don't have her number so I can't call her. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do.
OliStabilize: Tbh dude. Alarms bells should of been ringing when she suggested the pull out method.
That shit does not work. Like sex 101. Use a damn condom.
demhandz81: Actually, pulling out is nearly as effective as condoms when done correctly. It involves knowing your body very well but the only downside is if shes got an STD chances are you will get it to.
Source: I've been pulling out since 08' and no babies yet
OliStabilize: I'm fairly certain this is flawed logic. Please don't tell kids this is a good idea. They are stupid.
demhandz81: Yeah It's not. Learn to research
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/pulling-out-rivals-condoms-study-says/
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Economy/sex-study-pull-withdrawal-method-rivals-condoms-birth/story?id=7688558
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/reprints/Contraception79-407-410.pdf
http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2010/12/the-pull-and-pray-method-works-about-as-well-as-condoms-for-preventing-pregnancy/
OliStabilize: Thanks for letting me know twice. Surely this is common sense by now?
demhandz81: No. Most people still think condoms are the safest route. They are for STD protection but besides that if you trust yourself in your ability to pull out its just as effective
OliStabilize: Except the whole precum thing?
demhandz81: another myth. Pre cum only has live sperm in it if you've already ejaculated and didn't piss afterwards and then had sex again right after you already had sex. Other then that its sperm free.
OliStabilize: That is not a fact. Precum can contain sperm but regardless, why take an unnecessary risk?
demhandz81: It is a fact. You really need to learn how to look for shit yourself
"Their conclusion was "Preejaculatory fluid secreted at the tip of the urethra from Cowper's gland during sexual stimulation did not contain sperm and therefore cannot be responsible for pregnancies during coitus interruptus." You can't be more definitive than that."
In the "Journal of Assisted Reproduction Genetics, 2003 Apr;20(4):157-9. Zukerman asked "Does preejaculatory penile secretion originating from Cowper's gland contain sperm?" "Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Rabin Medical Center, Petah Tikva, Israel."
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3564677/
OliStabilize: I'm not trying to have a pissing match here. I and two other people I know have gotten girls pregnant by using the pull out method.
I was always taught its an idiot thing to do and have found many have agreed with me.
If you do further research you will find that a certain percentage of men do in fact have sperm in their pre-cum sometimes.
Do further research. There is no reason to respond to this (unless I have magical precum of course).
| 12 | 2.333333 | |
1407605903 | 1407685687 | t3_2d2zw8 | t5_2to41 | 1,023 | Tacodogs27: TIFU drunkenly vomiting all over a dude's dick (NSFW)
Okay so giving the background to this story-
I'm a girl and my friends and I had been invited to come over to a house full of hot guys to chill. So naturally we go, and there's one hot guy i talk to the most, and we click and talk more and play beer pong.
So we both get super drunk and we ended up in someone's bedroom where we proceeded to make out and take off each other's clothes. This next park might be TMI and you might get grossed out but it was literally the most embarrassed I've ever been with a guy.
So things escalate and he starts doing me, and then we switch positions and i start to give him a BJ.
Here's the bad part.
My stomach started to hurt from all the cheap burnettes mixed with cheap beer and after I gagged once there was no going back.
I threw up all over his junk. Literally all over.
But here's the best part: HE KEPT GOING.
He must've really wanted to fucking finish because we switched positions while there's vomit all over the bed and still on his dick.
Needless to say i threw up again, and when he finally finished we kind of sobered up and realized there was fucking throw up all over us.
I apologized like a million times but he was a trooper and actually hugged me.
Now we're friends on Instagram. I'm still confused
.
Update: Question to all guys out there: If this happened to you would you keep going, stop and be grossed out, stop but be understanding, or what? Because for me in this situation i literally felt awful haha and i want to know if guys would think of this as a big deal??
Seeker_Of_Wisdom: Sounds like the dude was pretty desperate to break a dry spell.
UrsaPater: or she just has great tits.
cockassFAG: Surely OP will deliver
UrsaPater: I hope OP finds out about /r/gonewild soon...
Wikkiwikki420: Are you suggesting before she hits 18??? That's just heartless.
UrsaPater: Don't be ridiculous. Of course I never suggested that.
WHY on earth are you assuming she's not 18? She was playing beer pong, let's assume she is 21!
Wikkiwikki420: She is 17. Don't be ridiculous. Aside from the fact that she states it later in the comments.
UrsaPater: Are you assuming I read EVERY comment in the entire thread? Don't be ridiculous.
edit: tell me where, still don't see it.
Wikkiwikki420: One can tell by the way she spoke that she is very young. I haven't been ridiculous, you've just been busted mr bear.
UrsaPater: NOT busted. You're wrong.
Go back and look at the time stamps. You want me to have known 12 hours ago when I posted that she was 17.... which she stated 10 hours ago. Yeah that IS ridiculous!
As for the way she speaks, you *clearly* don't know any chicks in the 21-24 year old age range! You have no clue.
Wikkiwikki420: My wife is 24 I am 32. I know plenty in the "21-24" age range. It was also stated in many of her other posts. The fact that you are defending yourself in such a hostile way shows you are guilty.
UrsaPater: Bullshit. You didn't read the timestamps I pointed out? Show me ONE place she said she was 17 before I posted an innocent comment using the word "soon." Shame on you for assuming the worst thing possible. You wouldn't defend yourself in every way possible if some asshole accused you of something heinous? Let it go, you accused me falsely.
Wikkiwikki420: It's okay. I'll leave you to believe what you want of your actions. Yes I saw and know when the time stamps you mentioned. No, her I'm 17 was not originally posted in this thread but one can easily look through a poster comment history. Yes it is "assumed" worst possible scenario, given said comments provided by you.
| 14 | 73.071429 | |
1407606854 | 1407727705 | t3_2d318k | t5_2to41 | 232 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally feeding my blind handicapped brother pot cookies
I bought a pack of 4 pot cookies in denver last week and finally made them. I'm house sitting and watching my 30 year old blind, handicapped brother. I ate one cookie and passed out from it. I put them on top of the fridge so he wouldn't find them. I get home from work and go to get my cookies and they are ALL FUCKING GONE! I then noticed he ate a whole pizza and half a pack of oreos. I check on him and he is laying on his bed listening to radio laughing his ass off! I ask how his night was and he laughs and says, "it was awesome! Can I have pop tarts for breakfast?" I was mortified but couldn't stop laughing, then I was mad cuz my pot cookies were gone!
RaysKayla: He didn't sleep for days? When I ate a couple bites of a rice Krispy treat and one small cookie I passed out for 19 hours. I woke up a couple times just to move and pass out again.
CustersSecondAttempt: He was actually up at 700am drinking his morning coffee like nothing happened
RaysKayla: That's good then. Does he know what happened.
CustersSecondAttempt: Not a thing, that's how I want it lol
RaysKayla: Haha Ok. He might want u to get more if he found out.
| 6 | 38.666667 | |
1407608236 | 1407676519 | t3_2d335x | t5_2to41 | 102 | vbsteez: tifu and til that dish soap and dishwasher soap cannot be used for the same things
23y/o bachelor living in studio apartment. currently late to my job at a restaurant because i loaded my dishwasher, didnt have any more dishwasher detergent, shrugged, and put in squeeze bottle dishsoap.
hopped in my shower and voila ~8minutes later my dishwasher is leaking mountains of soapsuds onto my floor. now im 30 minutes late for work plus i need to buy both dishwasher detergent AND paper towels
schmegus: :^)
Kaine8: Me personally i would google, but some people aren't as big of internet-junkies as us so they just assume it's okay because they're both soap
chewp911: I google fucking EVERYTHING. Some call the internet an external brain and I treat it as such. If someone else already made a mistake/ figured it out, I'm going to learn from them.
Lehk: The problem is that everyone who does not know this also does not know that they don't know it (unknown unknown).
If you have not used an automatic dishwasher before the logical assumption is that dish soap is used to wash dishes and so it goes in the machine.
I have never lived in a place with a dishwasher and only know this because I used to work at a supermarket and stocking the cleaning aisle was one of my duties.
| 5 | 20.4 | |
1407609304 | 1407613373 | t3_2d34qp | t5_2to41 | 13 | razoman: TIFU by drinking too much in Italy (long read)
You can all thank my buddy for prompting me to post this one. The good response in my [previous fuck up](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cy35p/tifu_by_not_being_gentle/) from you guys makes me want to share this more... unique... fuck up too. I think it'll be worth the read. And I can assure you it is all (unfortunately) 100% true.
The backstory is pretty much the same - 15 this time, british, on holiday with the family, cruising around the Mediterranean. I'd met a couple of lads about my age or a little older and we all enjoyed a drink.
It's the middle of Summer, it's scorching hot, and we make port in northern Italy at a village nearish Pisa. IIRC, the MUFC vs CFC football game was on, the Community Shield, so we found a bar to watch the game. We tried our luck and got served! So me and these 3 other lads had a fair few beers, watched the football and it was time to return to the ship. On our way back, pretty tipsy, we stop at a market to try get more alcohol to sneak back on the ship (since they asked us for ID on the ship). We get lucky again and return with about 4L of nasty, cheap vodka between us. One guy got some with lemon zest in it while another got some with cinnamon. In hind sight, fuck you guys. Just fuck you.
We're back on the ship and we know we are stopping off at Rome the next day and that is one we don't want to miss (beautiful city, go see it whenever you can!) so we agree to ration the vodka to last us tonight and the next day when we get back from Rome.
You guessed it. That didn't happen.
We drank it all. God knows how, but we managed it. The lemon zest stuff felt like it was cutting your lips, tongue and throat to let the vodka in while the cinnamon stuff just burned.
I have never been so drunk in all my entire life.
I have no idea what happened when we left the cabin aside from one thing - I lost my virginity that night. Took a girl for a "titanic moment" at the top deck, ended up fucking her there and then in the middle of the night behind stacked sunbathing chairs. Never saw her again, she could have fell off and I'd be none the wiser. "That's it? THAT'S the fuck up?!" I hear you shout angrily! Oh no. The worst is yet to come.
I wake up the next day feeling fantastic; got wasted, got laid, in the middle of the Mediterranean with gorgeous weather and NO HANGOVER! I was so wrong, and still so drunk. I went for breakfast and devoured a huge meal (big mistake) and set off happy as Larry for the train station to take us into Rome. When I got to the train station, it all went wrong. The fire nation attacked.
I'd told my family I didn't feel well (dodgy food mum, honest) and shortly after, that big breakfast I'd had was all over the floor at the top of the staircase. EVERYONE WHO THEN CAME UP THE STAIRS WALKED THROUGH MY FUCKING VOMIT. But we ain't over yet. We get on the train and I survive the journey, but as the train leaves and we're the last ones in the station, I vomit again. I quickly confess "I'm hungover mum I'm sorry" which she finds hilarious and proceeds to take a goddamn picture of me with my head over the rails.
We set off into Rome and I'm dry-heaving as we go every so often. We head for the sights and we get to the Vatican. If you follow Christianity, I'm so sorry... We're queuing up to get into the Vatican and this just happens to be in the blistering heat. As you can see, I'm wearing jeans (I'm ginger, I burn easily) so I'm getting far too hot for this hangover. We get inside and it cools down a little. As soon as we get to the Basilica, I get that terrible wave of nausea. Low and behold, I throw up. I'm a 15 year old kid, hungover from illegal drinking, throwing up in one of the holiest places in the fucking world. Priests are drawing crosses on themselves, everyone is is glaring at me, so I ran. I ran out of there so fucking fast. Soon enough, the Vatican's versions of Beefeaters catch up to me, wielding big fucking pikes with fucking swords on their hips and look mad as hell. They shout a lot of Italian at me and then "supervise" me while my family cleans my vomit and finishes there tour.
What felt like an eternity later, they came out and had to pay a fine and we were quickly escorted from the vicinity of the Vatican. I'm not sure if I'm allowed back there. Nearby is the Bridge of Angels which is literally a bridge with beautiful angels carved into it and statues along the bridge too standing over you. We cross the bridge and on the wall along the river, connected to the bridge, are little angel faces all along it. Guess what? I threw up on an angels face. At this moment, my stomach was so torn from all the convulsions, what came up was entirely blood. So as I'd just thrown up blood all over this angels face, a Polizia car rolls by behind me; thank god they just kept going. Finally, some mercy.
After that, my story ends. I'd finished vomiting and the hangover was over. We finished sightseeing and went back to the ship. So now I'm the guy who threw up in the Pope's house, on an angels face and I'm probably banned from the Vatican for life.
TL;DR: Don't drink, kids.
Some_NSA_Spy: Post more fuck ups, they are funny and you know might help you process it and shit
razoman: I'm a little cautious when a person with a username like yours asks for stories about my life...
Some_NSA_Spy: Don't be, it's all protocol
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1407610610 | 1407676423 | t3_2d36oe | t5_2to41 | 19 | this_isnt_my_main1: TIFU by wearing the wrong shirt at the wrong time
This actually happened several years ago when I was 12, but I fucked up all the same.
I was on a family vacation and we were visiting some family who lived in a suburb of Calgary. They had season tickets for the local baseball team, and we went to see a game while we were there.
On this fateful day, I was wearing my favorite shirt, which was an Edmonton Oilers shirt. Now for those that don't know hockey, or do but are unaware, there is quite the rivalry between the Oilers and the Calgary Flames, and being pretty much in Calgary, most people were die hard Calgary Flames fans. I hadn't even thought of this when I chose to wear this shirt to the game, so I was oblivious... until an unexpected surprise.
I was having a good time at the ball game, until one of the people that are in charge of the entertainment between innings and such, came up to me. My uncle had connections to the people who run the show there, and had informed them that I would be at the game, and they decided that they would surprise me with "The Dawg's fan of the game". this guy comes up to me and tells me the gig. I'd have to stand up on the dug out in front of everyone, and they would say some stuff, and then I get some nice souvenirs. sounds good, right? not so. I had huge problems with standing in front of crowds, and I of course got stage fright.
Finally the time came and I climbed up on the dug out. the guy started talking and all I could do was stand there, knees shaking because I'm so uncomfortable. then to make matters worse, he points out I'm wearing an Oilers shirt. the whole crowd has a hoot and I'm standing there about to pass out from holding my breath. my face turned super red becaisr i was embarassed for wearing the oolers short in a crowd of flames fans. finally he says to me "alright, can I get a GO DAWGS GO?" then holds the mic to me. I barely squeek out a noise and the whole stadium gets loud. I climb down and get my stuff, and I'm pretty much shitting myself.
Mstubbsii: > My uncle had connections to the people who run the show there, and had informed them that I would be at the game, and they decided that they would surprise me with "The Dawg's fan of the game".
SHENANIGANS!!!!
sgtzee: Why?
Mstubbsii: The fan of the game should be selected randomly or given to someone with special needs.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1407612413 | 1407653246 | t3_2d399e | t5_2to41 | 972 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by unknowingly waging a relentless downvoting campaign... with my boobs.
rxcowboy: Bull fucking shit.
One, that's not how that works. Comments aren't an even distance apart, and you have to press up then down to vote. Continuous pressure doesn't work.
Second, even in an upright position your tits would have to be saggy and shut for your nipples to point down and touch the screen much less precisely hit a down vote.
If you want guys to jerk off thinking about your sag bags, gone wild is always open.
_vargas_: Yeah, it doesn't really make sense. I've been rubbing my nipples all over both my phone and tablet for the last twenty minutes trying to replicate OP's downvoting areolas. I have yet to succeed and now the manager of Starbucks is asking me to leave.
rxcowboy: You're welcome to come over and continue the scientific experiment at my house.
_vargas_: That seems like a bad idea. However, I *would* at least have story for TIFU that's actually true.
CircdusOle: What's the worst that could come from inviting vargas into your home?
rxcowboy: I honestly can't see the downside here.
Vargas, from this day forth you are an honored guest in my house.
Rhianonin: Mine too! I make good cookies!!
rxcowboy: I make a pretty damn fine cookie myself, being a baker by trade has it's advantages. I'll place my oatmeal raisin cookies against anyone else's any day of the week.
Rhianonin: Hmmmm I make some great pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. Being a mom has its advantages.
rxcowboy: Can you PM me the recipe for those? That sounds delicious as all hell and I'd like to make those when it gets cooler. My family might not like them but I'd gorge myself on them anyway.
Rhianonin: I will tomorrow I'm laying in bed right now haha.
| 12 | 81 | |
1407612093 | 1407788384 | t3_2d38tq | t5_2to41 | 9 | puzzlegirl14: TIFU by swearing at some Mormon missionaries
This wasn't today, it was a few months ago actually, but I didn't have a reddit account months ago, so here we are:
It was about 8:00 at night and already dark and my mom and I were in the porch putting our things on to go for a walk. There are probably a few things I should clarify here:
-We live in a friendly neighbourhood, but not the type where people are frequently dropping in at each other's houses.
-My family is fairly anti-social, and visitors and house guests are rare.
-I am very easily startled.
-I have an irrational fear and hatred of both the phone and the doorbell ringing.
So we are in the porch about to leave and it's dark out and right before we get a chance to open the door, the frigging doorbell rings. We didn't even see anyone come up the steps.
My heart leaps into my throat and I bellow, "JESUS!" before I can even think.
My mom opens the door and there are two men in suits on the step laughing a little awkwardly, saying, "Sorry about that."
They politely tell Mom why they're there and Mom politely tells them we're going out and sorry, we're not interested in having them come back later. The guys accept this and go on their way.
And that's the story of how I ended up using the Lord's name in vain against some very courteous Mormons.
smokinporch: Lol yur really 14 aren't u? Mormons are terrible people, you didn't fuck up. Not even slightly. http://youtu.be/GiUwkws3NPk
Seniornosleep: I'm genuinely curious - a lot of people hate Mormons. Why is that, besides the knocking on doors?
hemingray: Mormon here. Youre confusing us with Jehovah's Witnesses. They go door to door.
Phlack: I've had Mormons ring my door more than a few times.
hemingray: Around here we just get the JWs. Kinda annoying when you're not even dressed yet and they come knocking
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1407613221 | 1407617522 | t3_2d3ah3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | I-trusted-you: TIFU by table topping
Let's time travel real quick to 2 years ago because today I really fucked up. It was like any other school day, the grass was green and the sun aligned with the planets. School had just ended and the Megalomaniac seniors rose from hell -_- they began to table top (one person kneels on all fours behind you and someone infront pushes you, causing you to fall) everyone! And everything! Even old people -- jk, that didn't happen. I was a victim of their doing. I got upset and decided to get someone back! Fuck yeah I got my revenge -- It was awesome because they fell in some goose shit xD however, this person has never pranked anyone, wasn't even a senior :'( I just table topped a random guy in goose shit. Out of nowhere, as I was talking to my friends, I fell like a turned off dick! I instantly got tunnel vision and saw a guy laughing and then stopping instantly! I looked around and i felt fine until I looked at my BROKEN FUCKING FAP WRIST I mean right wrist! The only patch of rocks and gravel was awaiting my arrival! I can't believe that this happened! :'( couldn't relieve myself for months D:
Some_NSA_Spy: If you only broke your arms
I-trusted-you: That would end me
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407609264 | 1407616350 | t3_2d34p0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | inhisprime: TIFU by drinking orange jucie.
Some_NSA_Spy: It could've been worse, you could like be stabbed or something
TheBomar: YOU DRANK MY FUCKING OJ! *stab*
| 3 | 1 | |
1407614557 | 1407632850 | t3_2d3cfs | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaking rotten watermelon everywhere as well as letting flies breed in my mom's car
This is my first post, please have mercy.
This post didn't happen today like many TIFUs, but happened about 2 weeks ago.
Okay, let's start off with some back story, so about a week before the incident, my mom said I could paint her old car(I'm 16). Of course I was thrilled with the idea and immediately ordered some Plasti Dip online. Then I decided, hey, I better clean out the garage so I can paint. I proceeded to clean the garage from top till bottom for about 5 hours, and at the end came across some old car mats that looked to be in pretty good condition, they had a ton of little red rock looking things in them, but I thought it was just dirt, I then just threw them into the car, BIG F UP. Now let's cut to the day the "incident" happened. It was bright Saturday morning, my siblings were at my grandparents house so my mom was in a good mood, she suggested we go play tennis, and then I can meet up with my buddies, and that I go downstairs to put the equipment in the car. Halfway down the stairs I notice something smells off, I proceed to the kitchen, and there is just yellow liquid everywhere, by everywhere, I mean literally covering the whole floor, I thought our gas stove had leaked and ran upstairs telling my mom that the gas leaked everywhere and we need to leave now. Then, as I went downstairs for the second time, I saw that the watermelon that my mom told me to cut about 2.5 months ago had a huge dent in it. Turns out that it somehow imploded and flew its' wonderful rotten watermelon fluids all over my kitchen. This is now stinking up the whole house and I can't stand the smell. All our equipment is full of rotten watermelon juice and my mom tells me to go to the garage to wash it all off with the hose. As I go out, I admire the old car that my parents gave me permission to paint. I then notice that there's about 200 flies in the rear windshield. I'm just like WTF, how did this happen? I go inside and tell my mom, and her response is, "Well you better clean it if you want to paint it." So I'm like WTF, I have to clean this watermelon and now a car full of flies. I now have the task of brining the car out of the garage and putting it on the driveway. I somehow manned up enough to go into the car and reverse it onto the driveway, I got so scared from all the flies that I flung the door open and smashed it against the stone wall of my house, damaging the door. I then got out and watched as over 200 flies flew out the car, turns out those "little red rock things" were fly eggs, and they decided to hatch in the car. Now, I had the task of cleaning the watermelon juice, and had to pick out all the fly egg casings out of the car. Total cleaning time for both was about a solid 6 hours. The house stunk of rotten watermelon for about a week and the car has just never felt the same. However the paint job turned out great :D.
Some_NSA_Spy: How much did you get payed, I wouldn't like to kill hundreds of flies unpayed...
smoothrider7: I was paid nothing, I was the one who messed up.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407616028 | 1408661296 | t3_2d3ekk | t5_2to41 | 20 | ChiefMal: TIFU by Shitting myself and ruining 2 pairs of $300 jeans in the process
After a weekend of partying and eating garbage in New Orleans with friends, I flew back home. I was hungover for a couple of days, but wasn't experiencing the stomach problems that I thought would have come sooner. I realize now that maybe the flight made me plugged up, but who knows. Upon the drive home from work one day I got stuck in terrible traffic on a residential street with no option to turn around or pull into a gas station. I clenched and clenched and almost began to cry. Slowly and surely it happened. Then it happened some more and I was left sitting in it for another 20 minutes until I arrived home. I opened the door to my GF doing yoga. She gave me a "what the fuck" look as I waddled in and said, "don't ever ask."
I got in the bathroom, carefully undressed, hopped in the shower, shat cleaned off some more, and dryed off. I through the underwear away and quickly turned the 2.5 year never washedRRL slim cut jeans inside out and threw em in the wash out of panic. I threw a tide detergent ball in and started it. 45 minutes later, I open the machine and see that there was my OTHER pair of white RRL slim cut jeans, now stained. Mind you, the current pair now lost their beautiful indigo color and now look like lee dunagarees.
TLDR: I partied too hard, shat myself, threw my jeans in the wash out of panic that my GF would be scarred for life seeing me scrub shit stains out of my jeans. There was a pair of white RRL jeans already in the wash, the dye turned that pair blue so now BOTH pairs are fucked up. this was a repost from /r/rawdenim
Some_NSA_Spy: Who pays $300 for a pair of jeans? I find $100 a lot alalready
Teyrkis: Who pays $100 for a pair of jeans? I find $50 a lot already
shroomigator: Who pays $50 for a pair of jeans? I find mine in a thrift store for tree fiddy.
ChiefMal: I do. I like the quality and the cut and color. I can afford em, sorry?
GermanLibertarian: No one's mad that you have nice things. I have nice things too. It's just, I feel like this kind of stuff plateaus at a point. IMO, there is a HUGE difference between whatever jeans Walmart sells and a good $50 pair of Levi's. but $300 for jeans? Just seems, idk, pointless? I feel like you could've bought that same $50 pair of Levi's, looked just as good AND have $250 in your pocket.
Like, don't you think the CEO of that company is just AYYYY LMAO'ing all the way to the bank at you dropping $300 on jeans that in all honesty, probably aren't discernible from any other name brand designer, besides maybe stupid designs on the back pockets or pre-ripped legs?
ChiefMal: no they dont have garbage stiching on the butt, what is this 2006? They were Ralph by Ralph Lauren, rigid, selvage denim, and no i wouldn't look as good in a pair of $50 levis. visit /r/rawdenim if you want to find out about jeans.
GermanLibertarian: Haha I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that $250 jeans are in any way worth that price. You can tell me all you want about how indie and ostentatious the production process is but that doesn't make it worth the price, at least not in my eyes. I'll drop that money on watches or shoes or a myriad of other things before jeans. To each their own.
| 8 | 2.5 | |
1407616084 | 1407633162 | t3_2d3enh | t5_2to41 | 12 | TysonDad: TIFU by shaving...
So, since 2010, I have maintained a pretty reasonable looking goatee. So, being that today is my wedding anniversary, and it was looking pretty unruly, I decided to trim it up. I couldn't find the guard to control the length I was shaving off, so I figured I'd shaved enough I know how to do it freehand.
NOT.
I accidently took a chunk right out of the middle, leaving my only choices as: Keep it the way it was and look like an idiot for a few months until that spot grew back in, or shave it down to a point where it doesn't look as noticeable and let the whole thing grow back.
I chose the latter.
TL;DR I fucked up shaving, and had to trim it way down to not look like an idiot.
issak42: Eh, don't worry, it'll grow back soon enough. I know the feeling though, it's pretty awful.
TysonDad: Yeah, that's true. I just know that these next few weeks are gonna be grueling to look at myself. Haven't seen myself without a beard in over 4 years. Rather strange.
issak42: Hehe just last week I cut my beard just a tad too short and I've been feeling weird :D I think all men with beards have gone trough such a thing at least once
TysonDad: I sure am glad I'm not the only one!
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1407615987 | 1407617306 | t3_2d3eij | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to destroy my underpants
First off: I was six years old, so this did not happen today.
A friend of our family used to host parties at his house in the forest. One night I really had to take a dump, but this house did not have a regular toilet, it only had an outhouse. I did not want to go to the outhouse because I was kinda disgusted, so I decided to wait until we get home. But, who would have thought, I pooped my pants. Of course, I had to destroy the evidence, so I took off my underpants and had the glorious idea to throw them into the giant bonfire surrounded by old hippies. I smuggled it into the crowd and subtle threw my underwear into the fire, hoping it would just burn, but instead it decided to take a journey into the night skies, showing its beauty to everyone standing next to the bonfire. Of course everybody saw it and laughed. I was so embarrassed, that I started crying and ran away.
Sorry for my poor english.
Some_NSA_Spy: Did they know it was yours?
windowlicked: They did, because some of them talk to me about this magical incident from time to time.
Some_NSA_Spy: Most of my friends don't know how my underwear looks though...
windowlicked: They saw me throwing it into the fire I think.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1407617118 | 1407618651 | t3_2d3g86 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: [NSFW]TIFU by popping a spot on my bollocks
No throwaway because who uses those anyway?[](/sp)
Nothing huge, but over the last few days I noticed a spot/lump building up on the left side of my ballsack. Wasn't that big, but it was kind of uncomfortable so I decided to pop it, especially since it was growing and if I couldn't I'd go to the doctors to get it checked out.[](/sp)
Fast forward to a few hours ago, when I finally decided to do the deed. Get a firm grip on the sides of the lump, taking care not to hurt anything. Squeeze with all of that non existent muscle. The spot popped fine, and like most bigger had a "mini explosion" of white stuff. What I wasn't counting on was blood going everywhere. I'm not just talking a tiny bit like normal spots, I'm talking full on splats a few mm across each splatter on the wall next to me. No pain, just a lot of blood for such a small spot. Scared the shit out of me. Thankfully, it stopped bleeding pretty quickly, but having to clean the blood off my wall wasn't very fun, especially since my walls are white.
TL;DR: Popped a pretty insignificant spot on my balls, a lot of blood came out. It ended fine.
Some_NSA_Spy: People with shame and friends who know their reddit account use throwaways, but who needs friends
[deleted]: Or shame.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407617318 | 1407628353 | t3_2d3giz | t5_2to41 | 13 | IBonedOprah: TIFU and used "NIGGARDLY" in /r/news.
pamplemus: come on, stop playing a fool. you used it in a thread about racism over equally suitable synonyms. i'm not saying you should have been banned, but there's an obvious reason its use has fallen out of fashion.
EDIT: [this](http://i.imgur.com/jeDdHNG.jpg) is who you guys are defending. he's not even using the word correctly in terms of its dictionary definition...
Arpikarhu: its still a completely valid word and shouldnt be removed from the language just because some people are fucking stupid.
pamplemus: what people? how are they being stupid? it contains a racial slur. it's not about censorship but sensitivity and tact. context is important. that was a bad place to use that word.
EDIT: also, looking back briefly through OP's comment history shows an abundance of racist content. i don't think this is someone who used the word innocently but rather so they'd have an excuse to say a racial slur.
Arpikarhu: it does not contain a racial slur!!!! the word origin has zero to do with the slur.
"Nigger", which has become a racist insult in English, derives from the Spanish/Portuguese word negro, meaning "black", and the French word nègre. Both negro and noir (and therefore also nègre and nigger) ultimately come from nigrum, the accusative singular masculine & neuter case of the Latin masculine adjective niger, meaning "black" or "dark".
niggard (n.) Look up niggard at Dictionary.com
"mean person, miser," late 14c., nygart, of uncertain origin. The suffix suggests French origin (see -ard), but the root word is possibly from earlier nig "stingy" (c.1300), perhaps from a Scandinavian source related to Old Norse hnøggr "stingy," from Proto-Germanic *khnauwjaz (source of Swedish njugg "close, careful," German genau "precise, exact"), and to Old English hneaw "stingy, niggardly," which did not survive in Middle English.
pamplemus: read his comment (see: [here](http://i.imgur.com/jeDdHNG.jpg)) and tell me again how he's using the word correctly and not in place of the racial slur.
Arpikarhu: he is using the word correctly. the actual words he uses contain zero racial slurs. however, its obvious that he is trolling.
pamplemus: the word means being stingy, especially with money. that has no relevance to the thread, which was about a white man getting fired for being white.
Arpikarhu: hence my comment that he was obviously trolling
pamplemus: but you also said he's using the word correctly, except he's not. that's what i was replying to.
Arpikarhu: he is using the word correctly. im done here.
| 11 | 1.181818 | |
1407617507 | 1407637380 | t3_2d3gsh | t5_2to41 | 118 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to pick up a girl with my mom only 50 feet from me.
(Im 16 years old)
I was woken up early by my mother, 7AM to be precise, and I hadn't slept till 4AM the last night, so I was practically running on fumes for someone who usually sleeps till noon.
She told me we were going to a new farmer's market that opened in Nashville, and told me to get up and get ready. I reluctantly dragged myself through the house and threw on shoes and a shirt. This wasn't going to be a good day.
After about an hour long car ride we finally arrived at the farmer's market, and I couldn't see anything getting better, so I was content with just shuffling behind her and carrying her bags full of produce. The Farmer's Market was crowded, with many stalls of assorted vegetables and fruit, and was constantly buzzing with activity. It wasn't possible to walk down the path without bumping shoulders with other shoppers.
As my mother walked off pondering the price of some sort of vegetable, my eye was caught by a beautiful blonde through the midst of the crowded path.
I mean this was some full on movie shit where everything plays in slow-motion and the girl whips her hair back, and the wind swooshes it around. She looked to be my age, and boy was she GORGEOUS! She had long flowing blonde hair and was wearing those hipster style glasses, but they weren't fake, they were actual eye glasses in that shape. I always thought hipster/punk girls were cute. I was astonished by her beauty.
I immediately dropped the bags like rocks and began nervously approaching her, this was too golden of an opportunity to pass up!
As I got nearer I was rehearsing lines in my head. They were very stupid lines, but they were lines, and I was going to stick with them. I began seeing our future flashing before my eyes, this was the moment! What if we end up getting married!?
As I approach her, she glances at me and smiles, I open my mouth to compliment her, and then all of a sudden I hear from behind me "SOOOON, COME CARRY THESE BAGS RIGHT NOW!"
My jaw dangled open. How could this be! We were going to start a future together! She was the one! I stood there for what seemed like hours with my mouth hanging limp, slightly moving as if meaning to utter words, but simply didn't have the intelligence nor the will power to do it by itself.
The girl then giggled, and walked away. She disappeared back into the unintelligible crowd she once was produced from, and I lost sight of her.
My jaw closed. I dipped my head in embarrassment, slowly turned around, and began shuffling back towards my mother. My arms were hanging limp at my side, and my facial expression was simply blank. I picked up the bags and we headed towards the car.
TLDR: Tried to hit on a girl with my mom 50 feet behind me. Right before I made my move my mom yelled at me to come help her with groceries, and the girl laughed at me and left. Cockblocked.
soalone34: You should have just stuck to your guns, turn and yell back "BE RIGHT THERE MOM I'M TRYING TO GET MARRIED GOSH"
Just kidding, but anyway what you should have said was
"GIVE ME A SEC MOM"
"hey you're cute can I get your number?"
If that didn't work than she would have giggled and walked away just like she did now. In fact it would be MORE likely to work because you would seem ballsey.
Sashoke:
Yeah. Im not bold enough to have done that, I was really nervous XD
soalone34: Oh, we'll I wouldn't even have been bold enough to talk to her in the first place so don't feel too bad lol
Xiexe: There's a new family that just moved into the house on the other side of the street and I'm not bold enough to approach the girl who lives there. But from what I've seen of her she looks to be about 17 (my age) and looks cute as fuck. But damnit. I don't got the balls to go talk to her.
soalone34: :0 well just remember, rejection only hurts for a second. Regret hurts forever. You might as well give it a shot ;)
Xiexe: True that - but I also JUST broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years. I don't know if I really want another relationship.
soalone34: Oh, well if you're enjoying the single life than go ahead. Though the best way to know if you want a relationship is to get one and end it if you realize it's not for you.
Xiexe: True true. I think I should probably get to know her a bit first before jumping into another relationship. She might be a total freak. And I have a crazy magnet. So. Gotta be careful.
i_pk_pjers_i: Here's a little secret: all girls are crazy. You just gotta find one with the right amount of crazy for you.
Xiexe: I mean - I have a super crazy magnet. I already knew that. But I attract the ones that are just, fucking insane.
| 11 | 10.727273 | |
1407616557 | 1407622728 | t3_2d3fd4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Eyevoree: TIFU by drinking milk straight out of the carton.
Pretty mild, considering some of the things on /r/TIFU but really disgusting nonetheless.
I occasionally do this in the morning when I'm taking medication but don't feel like drinking a whole glass of milk. I grabbed the carton and briefly looked at the expiration date and saw that it said it expires today. But it was a full carton and we *just* bought it 2 days ago. I figured it was fine, took off the lid, and quickly took a huge mouthful.
I was already semi-chugging some before the smell hit my nose and, soon after, the taste hit my tongue.
What followed after was me running to the sink and horrible, gut wrenching dry heaving and my stomach trying to kick back rotten milk.
Yuck. Yuck. *Yuck.*
Starberrywishes: I always buy the freshest milk I can find so I don't make that mistake.
Eyevoree: Yea we really need to do that. When I went in to tell my husband he said that he didn't check the exp date and that was his bad. Lol I'm usually pretty good about smelling it first, I was just like half asleep. Blegh!
Starberrywishes: I feel like most men make this mistake, since my father and his friends all do that. I hate asking if they checked the date.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1407619331 | 1407622885 | t3_2d3jbk | t5_2to41 | 9 | metal_lover1012: TIFU by wearing shorts while mowing.
So, earlier today I decided to mow grass since it had not started raining yet. The cover where the grass blows out (I don't know what this is called) had come off last week and my boyfriend hasn't taken the time to fix it yet. Anyway, I'm in the backyard when I mow over a pile of dirt where my husky had dug a hole. I ended up turning back into the cloud of dirt/dust and grass and just closed my eyes. I had missed a spot and wanted to get it and just wasn't thinking. Anyhow, I drove a little further and happened to look down. There, sitting on my leg, was a GIANT fucking wolf spider. I squealed like a little bitch, slapped it off my leg, and had a mini-heart attack.
There are two morals of this story. #1: Don't mow grass in shorts no matter how hot it is or how much you want to get some sun. #2 Always kill giant wolf spiders no matter how bad you feel. (If you check my post history you'll see a giant beast or two I spared that I ran into about a month or two back.)
Some_NSA_Spy: Why would you let spiders live, you heart having human being!
metal_lover1012: I know, right? My family thinks I'm crazy too. I just feel bad crushing them, even though they wouldn't think twice about biting me!
call-me-ishmail: Eh. So long as you didn't constantly disturb it, it wouldn't bother you. You are too big of a meal for it, and there's no reason for it to try and kill something it could never eat. Plus if you shoo them off, they normally run away.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407619780 | 1407775757 | t3_2d3jy2 | t5_2to41 | 39 | Z-dub44: TIFU by creating a bio weapon with my uncle.
This happened when i was only 7. I had gotten a brand new science kit for my birthday. Inside was a cool jar for me to grow mold in. This is where everything went wrong. I asked my uncle if he could help me grow mold. He put in a small piece of bread, some mustard, and a bunch of water. He then put the jar back in the case and said "to check on it in a week". I followed the instructions, but when i reached back in the case a month later and checked the jar, it had gotten way out of hand. Black goo coated the jar and seeped out the lid. I panicked and shoved the jar into the back corner of my closet. Fast forward 8 years. I was a bit older but had completely forgot about the horrific experiment gone wrong. My mom had told me to pack my closet and digging through my closet, was mortified. The black goo had seeped out the jar and spread to the nearby wall and carpet. I flipped out tore out the carpet and scrubbed the walls, than I threw out the jar. I never saw it again. I had covered up any remaining goo with wrinkled old clothes and broken toys of my childhood. And the torn up corner is still in the back of my closet.
TL;DR: My uncle unwittingly created a bio weapon sludge out of a childhood science kit, coming back to haunt me 8 years after it was made.
Omnipotence456: Man, when I was seven i would have thought that was the coolest thing. I swear disgust is an emotion I didn't learn till i was like 13.
sketti_time: You would have done what, though?
Crappy_Paladin: What seven year old's always do.
1. Play with it like play dough
2. Lick it (If it doesn't taste like vegetables move on)
3. Put it on your toast and ask momma if she wants to share it.
Kuryaka: Marmite is also suspicious black (well, dark brown) goo that is made from mold.
First thing that came to mind, sorry.
mazdababe92: You inspired me to do research just now. Marmite is made from brewer's yeast, which is a byproduct of beermaking. So pretty much, marmite is kinda like beer's less fun, less sexy, maybe less delicious (haven't tried it), but more nutritious cousin. TIL.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1407620686 | 1407651953 | t3_2d3l9g | t5_2to41 | 15 | adamclmns: TIFU By standing too close to the automatic air freshener...
I have an automatic air freshener that let's out a light mist of "fresh linen" scent every so often. It's also motion activated.
The frehener is situated on the kitchen bar. No one sits there, so it's been there for nearly a month. I'm talking to my girlfriend who is in the kitchen over the bar, propped up with my face about 16 inches away from the nozzle of the air freshener.
There was a brief sneezing sound come from the freshener right before my eyes felt like they had been maced. The bitter taste in my mount (because of course I was talking when it happened), soon followed. My girlfriend erupted into laughter as I went to the bathroom (with one eye closed and stinging profoundly) to rinse out the irritant.
Some_NSA_Spy: Ouch, how did it end?
adamclmns: Eyes still sting a bit. No lingering redness. I think I'm in the clear.
8BitPoro: "In the clear" - Ironic
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1407620901 | 1407709117 | t3_2d3lje | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by performing anilingus and getting a little to "excited" while doing it.
First, let me premise this by saying I eat asshole all the time. It's a fetish of mine. I just love licking asshole. I have described it many times on reddit. I also have always lived in college towns except for the 3-years I lived in Europe because I guess 18-22yo are also a fetish of mine. Kinda like Matthew Mcconaughey in Dazed and Confused - "That's what I like about these high school girls, man. I keep getting older, they stay the same age." - but without the potential legal troubles and worries of having my mouth and butthole being made sex toys by a slew of prison inmates. So, college girls.
Anyways, so last night I ran into a girl I kinda knew at the bar last night. She worked at the grocery store in the next town over, but she goes to college in the town I live (they're both college towns). I used to live in the college town where she worked, but I moved to the college town where she goes to school. I moved here because my employer is here. We'd always chat when we came across each other, but I never asked her out or anything. Anyways, so we're at the bar, she asked me where I have been, we chatted for awhile, yaddi yaddi yadda. Long story short, she came home with me, we fucked liked rabbits and we passed out. I was piss drunk because I've been drinking all day every day due to me being on a temporary layoff, and I'm sure she was just a lightweight...
So now we're at today. This morning actually. She gets out of bed to use the restroom and I compliment her on her ass because she had a great ass. We had only done missionary and cowgirl last night (we started off missionary, but I was too drunk to fuck, so she took over and rode my cock). I then get out of bed and I'm waiting for her as she opens the door. She was startled, but then she smiled and asked 'what?' I kissed her and grabbed her ass, smacked it, and told her I want to do something. To bend over the bed. She's hesitant and nervously smiling because she's wondering wtf I'm gonna do, I'm sure, but I assure her I'm not going to do anything crazy.
So I stick my tongue in her ass and she jumps.
"What? You don't like it?"
"It's not that, it was just weird tee-he."
I laugh and stick my tongue in her ass again, slowly licking it and watching her to see how she's enjoying it. I slap her ass again and she likes it, so I start to get slowly more aggressive. Keep in mind I'm horny as fuck because not only do I have a firm 19yos ass in my face, but I'm hungover as shit and that makes me horny. Most intense orgasms I've had are upon waking from a hangover. I guess it has something do with being dehydrated. Anyways, so I'm licking her ass and then I start fingering her pussy and playing with it. Then I start mixing it up a little and eating her pussy while fingering her ass. I start spanking her more and more and talking to her, asking her how she likes it. Tell her to call me daddy, all the while I'm fingering and munching on her pussy and asshole while spanking her ass. I'm fucking being maniacal eating this ass like a fucking dog tearing up your couch and spreading the feathers all across the living room and she's being cartoonishly loud and fucking love it, screaming daddy. Then it happens...
This strong smell of shit suddenly overwhelms my nose and I look down at my fingers and they're covered in shit. Run to the bathroom and there's some shit on my face. I clean up, she asks what's going on and I tell her I'm feeling nauseous due to all the drinking. I come out the bathroom and tell her I need to take a shower, that we should take a shower and finish off what we started in the shower. I didn't want to terrify the poor girl, and I sure as shit didn't want it all over my bed, so we finished off in the shower. I had her soap me up, I soaped her up, cleaned her ass, whispered in her ear "you gotta keep that clean" and we finished off what we started in the shower only no ass play. She never knew about the shit.
But here I am now, sick-as-shit, and I'm not sure if it's the alcohol or the shit. I now have green diarrhea with some blood, I feel weak, I'm shivering, been throwing-up and my stomach is cramping like crazy. Probably not the alcohol because I'm a veteran drinker/drunkard/alcoholic (whichever you teetotallers prefer) and I've never felt like this. Then again, I'm also a veteran ass-eater and I've never felt like this. Shit sucks.
tl;dr ate some ass and now I have bloody diarrhea, cramps, I'm weak, shivery and I've been throwing-up. I need a drink.
TheMomerathOutgrabe: MEN OF THE WORLD: PLEASE don't just jump into ass play without getting express consent first! My friends and I discussed this recently and we HATE it. Even if she doesn't outright say "no," by just doing it without her consent and then continuing even after she hesitated, you're kind of pressuring her into it. I hate hate hate hate hate when men keep pushing that act.
1) It's a really touchy area/act, so I want to have a lot of trust first, and I want it to be MY decision. Not my "oh he really wants it and I guess it doesn't feel terrible so I might as well acquiesce." I want it to be my choice that's discussed beforehand and respected.
2) Just as important: it has to be the right timing!!! This is NOT the sort of act that's always OK. I want to make sure I feel well, that I've prepped to my own satisfaction, etc.
Also, you're intentionally going after very young women, so they're even less likely to be able/willing to establish boundaries. Older, much more experienced guy they really like wants them to do something and reassures them about it? Chances are they're going to do it whether or not they actually want to.
TL;DR: DON'T DO THIS AGAIN WITHOUT ENTHUSIASTIC, PRE-DISCUSSED CONSENT! This is no one's fault but your own!!
rxcowboy: Please point out in the post where he nonconsensualy ate her ass and shoved his privledged tongue right up there.
TheMomerathOutgrabe: All I'm saying is that SURPRISE anal often does not end well, and the surpriser should be prepared for those consequences.
rxcowboy: Anal and tossing salad are related but in no way the same. If you're clean enough to expect a guy to eat your pussy, your asshole should be clean enough to lick too.
cherrypieandcoffee: Interesting. So would you apply the same logic to men too? i.e.
"If you're clean enough to expect a woman to go down on you, your asshole should be clean enough to lick too."
I mean I'm sure you're the kind of guy who makes sure you use a bidet before receiving oral sex, right? Right.
rxcowboy: You're expecting me to argue with you and it's not going to happen. If my wife is giving me head, I've showered first. If I haven't showered, I get hard and we fuck. Simple as that.
| 7 | 7 | |
1407622158 | 1407636193 | t3_2d3nal | t5_2to41 | 21 | Crabs4Sale: TIFU by accidentally telling a bartender she's ugly
I work as a mobile DJ. I get to go to a lot of cool venues to perform for parties and events. This particular night I'm setting up for a wedding next to the bar. I have about 12 lights I use to uplight the room to make the party seem classier than it actually is. I ask the woman setting up the glasses and bottles behind the bar if I could uplight the drink menu with one of my lights. She has no problem with it, so I set one up behind her and make small talk to be kind.
"Be prepared to serve a lot of wine tonight. The light is highlighting that one, haha."
"I plan on it!" she replies with a smile.
"Yeah, the more they drink the better you look!" I say without thinking for an instant.
I meant to say the more they drink, the better of a bartender she seems. Instead I said she was ugly and would look hotter if they were drunk. ;_;
jolly_walrus: Was she actually ugly?
Crabs4Sale: She was around her early 50s, so... She looked her age? Not ugly, just not what I'd consider hot in any way.
Caramel_thot: Do you really have crabs
Crabs4Sale: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Caramel_thot: No really I need them right now, are they for sale? For real
Crabs4Sale: Yes god damn it how many do you want
Caramel_thot: Like a hole load of snow crabs, like a butt-load
| 8 | 2.625 | |
1407623654 | 1407628502 | t3_2d3pec | t5_2to41 | 16 | mnfats: TIFU by watching a tween twerk.
soalone34: Wtf? I didn't know it was illegal to look at people. Honestly what does she think is going to happen if she does that in public? Did her family know she was twerking?
mnfats: It never came up. I was doing my best to keep everyone calm.
soalone34: wellgifts impressive you kept your composure. I would have probably gotten angry and would end up in a hospital lol.
| 4 | 4 | |
1407626393 | 1407635385 | t3_2d3t59 | t5_2to41 | 34 | atalossthrowawayacct: TIFU..Lost her, Crashed car, Burned apt. Baby on the way....
This Week I fucked up... By loosing my fiance, setting our apt kitchen on fire, minor fender bender. and worrying her.
This is just a recap of what happened this past week its really a TWIFU .
A little background
Been with her (we will call her J) for almost two years. We started to live together last august. both around 27 yrs old. She has a son (we will call B) who is now 2 and half. He is the love of my life.
We got engaged back in march! Everything was going perfect, next week we were to sign the lease to a new bigger apt as we found out we have our own Baby on the way!!. Everything was going well.. a side from the occasional arguments then Sunday happened.
Sunday we went to brunch at her mothers, as I didn't want to stay long we agreed to make it quick since we had a-lot of packing to do.
I left there for an hour to get boxes from a close friend who just moved, and when I got back I asked to leave.
It started in the car.
I lost my cool. she got upset that I spoke to her uncle about her being hormonal and I guess I did accidentally talk badly about her. So I started getting really upset and I can't recall everything that was said but I basically said I believed she didn't want this or love dme any more. I bitched out big time. By the time we got home I packed a bag and left. (Never done this before)
I cooled off a little and as I went home I found out she was at her sisters. Blew up big argument I went home and had a nasty anxiety attack. I literally went to the hospital as my heart rate was over 160. I have LVH (enlarged left ventricle) and by this time she had blocked me and I was upset.
The next morning we got to work ( yes we work together) and she apologized for not coming to the hospital as shit didn't know. We talked calmly and then BOOM another real bad attack and I collapsed. Back to the hospital I go. I got really upset at the hospital and tried to leave, it freaked her out, found out she was shaking real bad. ( I was really not in a good place mentally).
Tues comes. she's still at her sisters for the night. We get to work and it was better. She asked me to go pick up B from daycare when I got off since she gets off an hour after me. I pick him up and he states " Hi Daddy I missed you" That broke my heart. We go to the park. the exact park we got engaged at and played . After we left (separate cars) I was crying and I guess I blacked out and BOOM. hit a guard rail. Not much damage but when I started to drive home I was swerving. I do not recall any of this.
She stays at her sisters..
Wednesday comes.
We leave work early separate cars and go to the OBY and I see our baby for the first time. REALLY moving. We leave and go our separate ways.
I go to the apt and I notice the oven had been left on (I cleaned the house the night before as a surprise when this was to blow over) And it had burned hot enough and her oven mitt fell from the now melted top area and caught fire and burned the counter. Small fire i guess as it was all burned by the time I got home. But I left the A/C on so smoke, soot everywhere. She flips. when she finds out.
At this point I had enough.
I go to the store. pick up and olaf doll, two cards, and burned frozen/lego movie for him (as they are on the laptop and he loves the movies) I leave it in her car at her sisters and I go to the crisis center. They basically think I am just having a mid life crisis and just need to cool down.
Thursday I see a therapist. Same basic diagnosis. I get home and start cleaning all B's clothes and the bathrooms and our bedroom so SHE can come home and I will go to my families. In the middle of being covered in soot She texts me pissed off and basically KICKS me out of the apt I live in.
I break down again because at this point I am trying so hard.
I miss work with their permission thur and fri to clear my head.
Friday I text her and basically tell her I can't change the past . shit happens I fucked up and I am working on myself. she texts me back and asks if I am ok and if I am coming back to work.
we talk for a little via text and I state to her that even though we are both stubborn Its an open invitation to talk when she is ready.
I fucked up.
I lost her, Her son who I helped raise and love. The marriage. The new APT (she's not signing the lease) The apt we were currently in.
I am going to work my ass off for money for her and the babies.
We also share a bank account and I lost my debit card last sat. and I left almost all the money in there for her.
It was a near fairy tale. and then I fucked up.
Thank you for reading this and I do apologize about the massive about of grammatical errors. Writing was never my strong point.
yooyoo15894: Sorry man but I did not understand what half of that story was about..
atalossthrowawayacct: Maybe I need to re-edit it. it was a recap of the last week.
teja_ka_mark: Needs more paragraphs.
atalossthrowawayacct: Lol
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1407626254 | 1407791575 | t3_2d3sxy | t5_2to41 | 26 | Therongwayround: TIFU by sending 2 young women very much in love to the wrong area.
When I say 2 young women very much in love I mean 2 women about to lick each other's body's from head to toe in one of those very lovely 4 to 5 minute films. And when I say area I mean TV.
I like to watch a bit of lesbian porn so snuck off for a few minutes while my wife watches TV in the living room. I go upstairs to find a quiet spot and have a look on my iPad to see what's on offer. I find a couple of fine young women very much in love and click to see what happens...
...the video starts to play on my iPad but doesn't actually appear. I'm just staring at a blank screen. I assume it's just buffering so I pop the old chap out ready to interact.
What I hadn't realised was my wife had switched on Apple TV when I left the room and the last thing I had watched on my iPad I had watched through Apple TV.
I was no longer staring at a blank iPad screen, I was staring at an angry wife who had run up the stairs shouting "So exactly what DOES happen at Candy's dorm room when Sherry has locked herself out of her own room?!"
DreadlockPirateSam: She could have watched the fucking movie and found out, instead of yelling at you about it. Women, am I right? Sheesh.
mazdababe92: I dunno, man, I think the word youre looking for is 'insecure women' perhaps? I think the whole "women freak out if their man watches porn" is more of a played-out media trope than anything. The only place I've actually seen it was in some fluffy magazine, Cosmopolitan or something, years ago.
It's just that, ya know, I've certainly never been with a woman who would be bothered by my watching porn, nor have I ever been bothered by it myself. In fact, I just watched some fairly recently with my current partner (a man), and I must say, it really added to what we were doing. It's a real shame some women miss out on that.
Now, I obviously can't speak for straight women, but I will say this: I only have one straight friend who was ever in any way perturbed by her boyfriend watching porn, and that was only because it was gay (male) porn, by which he claimed (rather vehemently) to be disgusted. He also denied it, but she witnessed it...that'd raise questions for most anyone, I think.
edit: **tl;dr All the women I have known would have been happy to find out what happens together...sheesh?**
DreadlockPirateSam: Yeah, that was intended to be a joke, in a sort of Catskills-humor vein. Not far enough from reality, I guess. I apologize, and officially withdraw my "Sheesh".
mazdababe92: Alas, determining when someone is joking on the Internet is a task fraught with difficulty. No worries dude :)
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1407625891 | 1407642326 | t3_2d3sge | t5_2to41 | 25 | Throwaway_126: TIFU by being a hormonal teenager (NSFW)
So a couple weeks ago, I decided to take my now ex-girlfriend back on my property for a few hours in hopes of messing around some. We'd been together about a month and we'd already been pretty open with each others bodies, but we hadn't gone all the way yet. Anyways I'd volunteered to bring a weed-whacker up to my grandparents (who are my neighbors) in hopes that I might be allowed to borrow my grandfathers RTV. That being said, he's a pretty chill guy and probably would have let me borrow it anyways, but I would've felt a little guilty had I not done something in return.
Anyways, the day comes. After we'd hung out a bit at my place we catch a ride down to my grandparents on the tractor with my dad. We get there, I talk to my grandparents for a bit and decide to head out. We get in the RTV, and she starts putting on her seat belt, to which I laughed. On an earlier trip, my grandfather and I had been cutting a path through the forest, and as we drove back we came to a rather unstable part where the RTV began to tip my way. I quickly flew out the side, and my grandfathers weight brought it back down. (He's a rather hefty man.) But I'm getting a tad off topic.
So the ride starts off just grand, we're chatting, taking a nice scenic drive. Then we arrive at the swamp crossing. Now this crossing is under constant renovation by some pesky beavers that keep putting up dams near the path. One such damn is basically on the right of the path. Now seeing this, I decided as we drove over I'd try to go around it rather than taking the risk of tipping. Keep in mind this path is merely gravel creating a shallow but driveable path through the swamp.
So I veer left around the damn, immediately I realize this was a HUGE mistake. The RTV went from a comfortable vertical drive, to a slightly less comfortable horizontal drive as I had gone into territory of deeper water. Anyways I figure I should be fine so long as I keep gunning it forward. I keep a lead foot on the gas and it start's to pay off, slowly but surely I'm climbing back up to higher ground! So everything will be fine right? Nope. Just before we're home free, The RTV stops moving. There was a rock in the way. After a moment of trying to push the gas pedal through the floor to get over this rock, there are no results. So that leaves me one option, reverse. I begin trying to do the same thing, just backwards. About 3 seconds later the RTV begins tipping and my ex is desperately undoing her seatbelt. I tell her to jump out, she does so, and I jump out after here. We jumped out onto the path so It wasn't too deep. I had some rubber boots, she had flip flops and short-shorts. I advise her to run over to the bank before the leeches that were quite common in this area inevitably come to check out all the commotion.
So that's my first fuck up, now for my second. I quickly pull my phone out of my pocket and call my grandparents house, asking them to send my father over with a tractor and chain immediately, and telling them something had gone wrong. I then put my phone back in my pocket. Afterwards I hop around to the other side of the RTV to see if I could push it upright. Of course this was a fools errand and I had a better chance of getting squashed, but I wasn't exactly thinking rationally at the time. So I try that for a few shoves to no avail, and trudge unhappily up to higher ground. It's at this point in time I noticed my second fuck up. My phone was in my pocket while I had jumped into the deeper water, I quickly pull it out and (big surprise) it's not working. I tried the rice bag trick later but it didn't work out. Anyways, I'm sitting there extremely distraught as I have broken one somewhat expensive item of mine (iPhone 4) and have possibly broken my grandfathers incredibly expensive RTV with which he had trusted me.
So my knight in shining armor arrives (Knight=father, armor=tractor) and we eventually get everything in position. I loop the chain around, sticking my hand in the midst of a swarm of leeches to do so, and then stand on the right side of the RTV leaving back to hopefully keep it from tipping. So after an incredibly tense minute or two, the RTV is up on higher ground again, but still on the pathway across the swamp. Moment of truth time, I hop in, carefully avoiding the multitude of leeches now writhing on the water-less floor of the RTV and start her up. To my relief it roars to life and is no worse for the wear. So RTV is okay, phone is still broken, think I was smart enough to call it quits there? Of course not, the RTV is okay, so my idiot brain thinks I can still salvage the day that has been all but torn to pieces.
So we continue our drive, this time ensuring I stay on the right of the swamp path. we head farther back, eventually getting into the forest. It's nice, cool, refreshing, out of the sun, OH GOD HOW ARE THERE EVEN THIS MANY BUGS ON THE PLANET! Deerflies, horseflies, blackflies, normal flies, mosquitoes, if it buzzes and bites, there were at least 10 of them on us. But hey, let's power through, they'll leave us alone once we're back out in the sun right? Wrong. We stopped the RTV and headed onward into an open field, our new-found entourage following us all the while. We sit down, she pulls out a blanket she had brought, and we lay down next to each other swatting like madmen. Since my everything is soaked, I stripped down to my boxer briefs and hung everything from a nearby tree. All the while being pestered by the six-legged freaks.
So the bugs somewhat subside, but still warrant a good smack on the neck or arm from time to time. I decide this is the moment to begin what I'd planned in the first place, and start getting a little touchy-feely. We end up with both of us in our underwear, and then we begin going a bit further. She starts giving me a HJ/BJ combo, and I start fingering/going down on her. (First time I'd gone down on a girl.) So finally everything is going just great, yay! Yup time for another bit of bad luck. Raindrops start falling. And as I'm walking over to retrieve my still sopping wet clothing, it all falls of the branch.
So clothes are gathered up, and on me, we're heading back. When we're about halfway back the rain subsides, and doesn't start again for the rest of the day, fuck you mother nature. We get all the way back, enjoy the rest of the day, I get a handjob in the safety of my own home, and the day is over. She heads home, and I head to bed. The next day I'm working on the sawmill with my father, I got a scratch on my side, and decided to look and check it out. I pull up my shirt and I am greeted by MASSIVE RED BLOTCHES. I had some on my arms (I'd noticed them earlier but written them off as bug bites.) and upon inspection later that evening they were on my legs as well. Thankfully they seemed to steer clear of my face and genitalia, but still, itchy red blotches aren't pleasant. A quick google search verifies I have poision ivy. Even today, I couple weeks later, I've still got blotches acting up every now and then. So either a) I had been of the blanket some when I was messing around with my now ex-girlfriend, or b) my clothes had fallen in a patch of poison ivy and then I had put them back on.
Anyways, that amounts to almost breaking an expensive RTV, a broken $500 phone, and a bad poison ivy rash lasting weeks. And that reddit, is how I fucked up.
HaikuHighDude: I'm gonna need a TLDR before I dive into this
RoEksDee: Exactly my thoughts.
Throwaway_126: Provided
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1407627624 | 1407656287 | t3_2d3uud | t5_2to41 | 619 | gotdicksucked: TIFU by drunkenly letting my friend suck my dick
This happened a few months ago, but only recently became a fuck up. I havethis good friend, we'll call him B, he is 29 and I'm 20. B is a cool guy, hardcore muslim background, but married to a non-muslim woman for the past 5 years, we'll call her M. One day B announces his wife is leaving on holiday for a week and he wants to hang out and get slammed (I know, not very muslim). I happen to have time so I go buy a bottle of vodka or something from the store after school, and head to his place that evening.
A friend of his is there too, boring dude and he doesn't drink cause he has to work in the morning, fair enough. Halfway through the bottle the friend leaves and B busts out a bottle of whiskey he was keeping. More drinking ensues. After downing pretty much both bottles, he suggests I crash there, cause he has room in his bed now that his wife is gone. I don't give a shit cause I'm drunk and would share a bed with a dude I'm comfortable with no problem. We go upstairs and this is where shit gets really weird. B starts being all touchy and feely and asking me to come under the blankets cause it's "cosier".
Now B is normally a touchy dude, but I had never read into it. Anyway, my comfort zone starts getting rustled and I jokingly ask him "well do you wanna suck my dick?" and he replies "no I want you to suck mine". He is dead serious. In hindsight, this was probably my last shot at getting out of there. Instead, I say "no man, I'm not gonna do that" or something to that effect, and he says "well then okay I'll suck you".
Now bare with me guys, I have no explanation other than the alcohol I ingested, for allowing a big bearded muslim guy, to suck me off. All I know is that for at least 5 entire seconds, he was furiously sucking my limp dick and occasionally scratching me with his beard. It took those whole 5 seconds before I tried pulling out, at which point he said something to the effect of "no let me concentrate". I told him it wasnt working out for me, turned around and passed out drunk.
The morning after he doesn't remember a single fucking thing, or so he says. I remember everything but I didn't tell him. I go take a really long shower, and fuck off back to my place.
I saw him a few times since, always pretending nothing happened, even when it started coming back to him and he said he was pretty sure "some crazy shit" happened. I just told him I was as drunk as him and don't remember. We then drift apart quite a bit and stop hearing from eachother. On my side I don't do much to keep in touch cause of what happened.
A month or 2 later I still haven't heard from him, but I hear from a mutual friend, he's getting divorced. I immediately know what's up and start feeling kinda guilty. Apparently he's planning on moving back to Egypt.
Eventually I bump into the now ex wife at a club. We haven't seen each other for ages, and she's with her new boyfriend. We get to chatting so I ask her whats up with the divorce, and she basically tells me "I divorced him cause I'm almost sure he's gay". She then goes on to confirm the hasn't left the country and still lives in the same place.
I don't know if he knows he's gay, and I can't help but feel I must have played a role in their divorce. I haven't spoken to him in ages, and he hasn't tried to contact me either. I don't know if I should check on him, and tell him he's gay, or just leave it. Also, he still has my longboard and I really want it back.
sobok: Dude you didn't turn him gay.
gotdicksucked: No but I may have made him start thinking about the possibility of him being gay more, which might have ended up leading to the divorce. His ex wife told me at the time of the divorce it was several months since he asked for, or even showed interest in sex with her.
Dakaggo: So you helped him open his mind up to understanding how he really feels instead of being forced into a life he doesn't really want but feels he should have?
I mean at worst you had no effect but I say the experience was probably healthy for him. Also you were both drunk who cares what he did, if you actually want to be friends with him it shouldn't matter if he's gay or if you almost barely fooled around a bit. Just make it clear in the future you're not interested if it comes up again. If he doesn't want to you don't even have to talk about it.
gotdicksucked: I dunno man, saying I helped open his mind to understanding who he is seems like a stretch... I get what you're saying and I really don't care about what happened, but I'm afraid he might resent me even if it is technically better for him to have gone through this.
Dakaggo: It is probably a stretch, a best case scenario if you will. It doesn't sound like he resents you and you said he was a good friend. If anything the only FU I see here is distancing yourself from a good friend over a relatively minor incident. I mean if he does resent you and you have a fight and there is arguing and shit then I understand but as it is, seems like you're just scared because you don't know how he feels on the matter.
| 6 | 103.166667 | |
1407629405 | 1407630790 | t3_2d3x3a | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU when I pooped in a handicap stall just not at a good time.
So I just found out about /r/TIFU but this happened to me around when the avengers movie came out.
I am sure we have all heard of the classic game doornob. When you fart everyone can punch you if they call doornobs on you.
Well anyway, we were at the avengers movie and I was silent farting throughout the whole movie. Like really bad smelling farts. Towards the end of the movie I really had to pee so I left to go pee in the urinal. Luckily no one was in the bathroom so I thought it would be a good time to release all the farts I still had in my system. Well that wasn't a good idea. I sharted pretty bad to where it rolled down my leg and fell on my sock. So I quickly went to the luxurious handicap stall to try and clean up. I also had very bad diarrhea and the toilet would not flush. I ended up ditching my underwear and using toilet paper and water to get rid of the Skid marks. Didn't really work, it still smelt like shit bad. So I left my poopy underwear in the side of the stall and I swear to you. As I opened up the stall and headed to the door a child in a wheel chair with his father walked in. It really didn't even hit me that they were going to have to use the stall that I left my underwear and a full toilet of smelly ass poo that wouldnt flush. I went back to watch the movie and I could only smell shit the entire time. When the movie ended I saw people with bathroom stuff heading the the toilet. Luckily I had doornobs on me cuase it gave me an excuse to stay away from my friends . (We where in a giant mall) I ended up finding a doornob in a Petco where I also found Febrise spray which saved my life. I freeballed for two days.
CaptainPeppers: The second avengers movie? So... This hasn't happened yet?
JDN640: I have no clue why I wrote second
| 3 | 1 | |
1407631936 | 1407685950 | t3_2d40g2 | t5_2to41 | 472 | Brownisthenewwhite: TIFU by failing to cum or shit for a week.
So I recently returned from a week-long vacation with my family. Like most people, I try to avoid jerking off on trips, considering you’re always surrounded by family. After we returned, my sister, mom, and brother went to a concert without me, and that left me home alone. My dad was scheduled to come home around 6:45 so we could get dinner together at 8, which gave me enough time to do the deed. I do my thing and all goes well. My dad comes home 20 minutes after, and at 8 we go to dinner. We make some small talk and generally catch up with one another.
Now, for this next part to make sense you are going to need some background info. On this vacation, I did not take a single shit. I was clogged. When I had returned home, with the help of Indian food, laxatives, and vegetables all mixed in my stomach, I took the shit of a decade. Stupidly, I took a photo of my monstrous ass-birth, put it into my photo vault for safe keeping. So my dad wanted to see some photos I had taken during the vacation, and I pulled out my phone and opened up a photo, handing it to him. My dad, expecting to see another family photo, scrolls right and sees the *most massive, dark, elephant shit* I have ever taken in my entire life. I hear him say “What the fuck is this?” Confused, I grabbed the phone from him and realized my foul error. To top it all, our food arrives right then. Needless to say, we didn’t eat much. I thought my night couldn’t get any worse. I deleted the photo and put my head down in shame. Like most people do when they’re embarrassed, I went on my phone to avoid my father’s disappointed gaze. I open my browser and what do I see open? Porn. Thankfully on silent. Stupidly, I had been using my phone flat on the table, making it entirely visible to my father. Not 10 minutes after my father sees my 3-flusher, he sees some cum-covered porn star on her knees. Do you have any idea how slow porn closes when someone else is looking? Too slow. To avoid disgracing my family any further, I shut my mouth for the rest of the meal. We paid and went home. I walked upstairs to my room, he stayed downstairs, most likely to contemplate where he went wrong with me. Things have not gotten any less awkward since then. TIFU.
i_pk_pjers_i: You did nothing wrong man.
Elephant44: I would argue taking pictures of bowel movements is wrong
cjgerik: I met one of my roommate's highschool friends once, and within the first seven or eight minutes of talking to him, he pulls out his phone and starts showing me pictures of shit.
I found out that apparently, he likes to photograph every shit he takes. Every. Single. One. And then he sends the pictures to random numbers, with a message like, "Aren't you proud?!"
Creeped me the fuck out.
cum_socks_on_display: aren't you proud? No fucking way. This is the joke of the century. Some guy just sends pictures of his shit to people.
I am not even high, but I am laughing like a maniac
smokinporch: I was on this forum where a guy loved making threads tricking people into unsuspectingly watch his shits which he photographed. Guy had so so many alts it was hilarious
Xexyz128: So....uh.... what forum was it in?
| 7 | 67.428571 | |
1407630928 | 1408057922 | t3_2d3z4i | t5_2to41 | 17 | RandiRoo: TIFU By not checking Facebook frequently/ Finally checking Facebook
Back Story: This summer I was forced to move 3 hours away from my friends our last summer before college. Today I found out my older cousin in NC was in a car wreck, off a mountain, so already a bad day.
Today I am in a Skype call with my boyfriend and I get an email about a funeral. I recognize the name and I freak. It was a kid I went to school with. Apparently, he died in a car wreck 3 or so days ago, and I had no idea because I have been laying off Facebook. I hang up the call and begin to surf through Facebook looking for posts about him (not to be weird or creepy, but because I missed the opportunity to post myself). Instead of finding that I find a post from one of my friends who moved away to Texas (I reside in Il) saying that none of her Il. friends love or care about her anymore. "Again thanks for forgetting about us", I post being emotional and not really thinking. She fires back this comment about how even if she came back to where we both used to live I wouldn't be there and I don't make enough effort for her. I drove 6 hours round trip to be in her wedding. I spent money on gas and drove her all around while she was here, dropped everything to hang out with her, so I feel very hurt and betrayed. This of course made my already shitty day worse. I keep scrolling for something about my deceased friend, when I come across a post that drives a dagger through my already broken heart; my group of friends no longer thinks of me as a functioning member. I realize that there was a reason behind the unanswered texts and calls., the awkwardness when I returned. My parents are leaving for a party, so I thought they were gone. I go downstairs to find them in the kitchen. I tell my father about my friend to which he replies "Oh, yeah I've known that for days. He died in the same car crash as (our other, older mutual friend). He offered me no comfort, no cushion to the blow of yet another person I know passing.
EDIT: I then called a good friend to talk about everything and they end up yelling at me.
UPDATE: The friend who yelled at me called and apologized.
He was very sincere and told me that he's "sorry he wasn't there for me in the way that I needed when I needed him most." It honestly made my day much better.
Placowdepuss: Oh man. I'm really sorry to hear about your two friends, I hope you're doing alright. Also, sorry about your group of friends' jackassery. All you did was not check social media 24/7. You didn't fuck up. Your friends and family let you down.
RandiRoo: Thanks. I feel like I did though, but your kind words helped
Placowdepuss: Please, don't feel guilty. You're just blaming yourself for not doing something you probably shouldn't be doing anyway. And there's really no need to thank me.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1407631448 | 1407645815 | t3_2d3zu0 | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU by being baited into buying an expensive CS:GO knife
A combination of me being naive and stupid lead me to the purchase of an over priced cs:go knife. It all started when this stranger adding me on Skype, not very unusual since I put a runescape account on a forum site for sale so I could buy RP for a game called League of Legends. The conversation started off with him wanting to buy my runescape account but it then, somehow, turned into him wanting me to buy a cs:go knife for him and then he would pay me extra through Paypal, He said that he just moved house and didn't have access to the market yet. I believed him....not the brightest thing to do i know but he was very convincing and persistent. I mean for me it was a win win, free money right? wrong. So I end up using my parents Paypal to purchase the knife thinking that i could replace the money almost instantly but as soon as the purchase was made he vanished.
So now I'm sitting here looking back on the foolish decision I made with an item for a game i don't even play and thinking about what did this guy get out of it? Was it for the laugh, was he just trolling me, i don't think so. He really wanted me to get this specific knife. I suggested a lower cost one but he said he wasn't going to pay for that. Looking back on the sale history of this item I can see that it usually goes for about 60 ish euro but this was 88. Is it possibly that the guy i was talking to on Skype was the seller of this knife and he was just baiting me into buying a over priced knife so he would get the money, i think so. There was many red flags that should have stopped me from going through with this but I guess its a lesson learned.
[deleted]: Reverse the Paypal payment. If the item was never delivered, and it is a digital item, the seller will have no proof it was ever sent.
If it is a parent's account and you are not an authorized user, there are most likely further steps you can take. The market protects buyers and sellers as Paypal will ultimately retrieve the money from the seller's account one way or the other in the event of fraud like this. Selling on the market provides shielding for sellers against these types of claims.
KoboldCoterie: This is (I think) terrible advice and you should not do this. I'm sure someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but all anecdotal evidence I've ever heard has pointed to a reversed or disputed paypal payment on Steam resulting in the loss of your Steam account. Even if you managed to pull some strings in this case, it'd be a pretty big risk to take. Is it worth it to you for 30ish euros (assuming you can re-sell the knife for 60ish)?
KoboldCoterie: Let me clarify that a little, before someone jumps down my throat. You should definitely not do this until you contact Valve and see if you can talk the talk with their customer service and somehow get them to allow it. But the chances of that are very slim, because you bought it from another user, Valve took a cut of that, and there'd be a lot of work on their part required to correct the problem when there's really no incentive or reason for them to do it. Don't reverse the payment or you will almost certainly lose your Steam account.
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1407630000 | 1407633705 | t3_2d3xx6 | t5_2to41 | 10 | ipepperspraypeople: TIFU by pepper-spraying my friend.
So, this is a throwaway because my usual account is for educational posts.
About 3 nights ago, at around 1:30-ish I woke up because I needed to pee really badly, as I was coming out of my sleepy daze and sitting up to get to the bathroom, I hear footsteps coming from the living room (my living room is right next to my room, and my bedroom door was slightly open).
I start hearing muffled words and realize it's two people having a whispersation (whisper conversation). I start to panic and conclude that they are people who broke in, that are looking for valuable things for drugs/booze. I consider running up to the door and closing it but my door has no lock, and closing it always makes a creaking sound, so they would know I'm awake.
Then I remember that my iphone is in the kitchen, and I really start freaking out, I calm down and try to concentrate, I start thinking reaaally hard, and realize that I have a little keychain sized can of pepper spray that I bought months ago and forgot about. I remember I left it in a drawer in my nightstand, and I feel a little relief in the midst of all that panic.
I quickly open the drawer and grab it, and lay back on my bed again, trying to simulate sleep, I fumbled with the little protective cap (it's a cap that keeps you from spraying unless you want to) a little bit, but get it to where it lets me spray in case I need to.
And the wait begins. Every few seconds I glance at the time on my alarm clock, and when it's about 1:43 I hear my door creak open. I start internally freaking out, thinking of how they'll realize that I'm not asleep and they'll kill me or something, then, one of them starts getting closer to my bed, and a voice coming from the door frame says :" I don't think she heard us."
By then, one of the figures was stand right over me, and was stretching a hand out towards me, "Now or never" I say to myself. And I whip out my little pepper spray can and spray away. I knew I got him when he said shit at the top of his lungs and dropped to the floor. The lights suddenly flicked on, and all the adrenaline I felt suddenly disappeared, the figure standing by the door frame was my friend, with the most shocked look on her face, and the one writhing on the floor with his hands to his face was my other friend.
That's when I realized my fuckup. It was a while before the spray wore off, but it still left his eyes red as hell.
They explained that they were out drinking, and realized that they couldn't drive home, as they were slightly drunk, so they walked to my house, only 2 blocks away, and came in through the front door ( yes, I'm stupid, I tend to leave it unlocked). They came in, fooled around a bit in the kitchen (and drank my soda), and suddenly remembered that it was my house.
So they went in my room, to wake me up and ask if it was ok if they could crash for the night ( drunken logic, since they practically broke in), and as my friend stretched out his hand to wake me, he got sprayed.
Needless to say, I was pissed at them for not even knocking, but I let them stay the night, and now this is a story we'll tell at parties.
falderolfemale: good for you! And thanks for the lol.
BUT YOU STOP LEAVING YOUR DOOR UNLOCKED now!
salk80: OP should definately stop doing that. Instead of her/his friends it could have been anyone...
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1407622974 | 1407640420 | t3_2d3ofl | t5_2to41 | 26 | laasek: TIFU by helping a mother out.
This happened last summer and names are fictional.
At the time i lived in a complex and next door lived a friend of mine named Jake.
One morning i was walking to my car and I meet Jakes mother Sharon.
>Me: "Ah youve come to visit Jake have you?" i ask.
>S: "Yeah, he said he was gonna be at home this morning. I knocked but noone answered."
>Me: - "Oh really?" "You tried calling him? He may be asleep."
>S: "I didnt bring my phone."
>Me: "You can borrow mine!"
I proceed to look up Jakes number in my adressbook, dial him and I give her the phone. The conversation goes as follows (I understandebly couldnt hear Jake)
>S: "Hey its me. Are you at home? "
>S: "Its me, its SHARON. Are you at home? "
>S: "Ok, then why didnt you answer the door? "
>S: "Yes I did knock, i just told you...nevermind, im coming back up."
She says sligthly irritated and hangs up the phone. Thanks me and goes on her merry way. I walk to my car and head off to work.
During the drive i realize that hey... I dont have Jakes number stored on my phone. I rarely save contacts. But i do have another freind who is also called Jake´s number stored.. I call Jake, the Jake whos number ive got.
>Me: "Hey are you at home?"
>Jake, definetly not Sharons son: "Yeah. Why is everbody calling asking that in this ungodly hour? Ive just got off my night shift."
So it turns out Jake#1 (Sharon´s real son) mixed his days up and was at work. Jake#2 was awokened after an hour of sleep by a lady named Sharon on the phone. This Sharon was heading up to his apartement for some reason. So he got up, got dressed, picked some stuff off of the floor and waited for mysterious Sharon, who ofcourse never showed.
Meanwhile, Sharon was banging on her sons door deciding wether or not to cut the brat from the will.
I had to stop the car because i was lauging so hard.
English is not my first language so please excuse any errors ive made.
Lamenk: Somebody explain this to me.
XoxoJulieAnn: Guy gave a lady his phone to call her son, Jake, to open the door.
She called the wrong Jake who woke up and was like WTF?
Guy drives awhile and realizes he does not have Jake's number.
Guy calls wrong Jake back and realizes his mistake.
Lady is probably really confused...
laasek: Thank you :)
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1407633708 | 1407645376 | t3_2d42pj | t5_2to41 | 4 | Zekester3000: TIFU by talking.
Teotwawki69: I don't think you had anything to do with this. Sounds like there are issues between your parents and you're assuming a bigger role in it than you actually have.
Also, learn the difference between subject and object prepositions, mkay?
Zekester3000: mmkay :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407634343 | 1407645823 | t3_2d43il | t5_2to41 | 6 | nuttin_witty: TIFU by accidentally texting someone the name of a terrorist group.
Seniornosleep: What did you type, out of curiosity?
nuttin_witty: Isis. All the genocide of Christians going on in Iraq and Syria, yeah that's them.
Lost4Cause: It's got many uses, the most famous of which is mythological.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isis
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Isis**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isis): [](#sfw)
---
>__Isis__ (/ˈaɪsɪs/; [Ancient Greek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ancient_Greek): Ἶσις; original [Egyptian](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egyptian_language) pronunciation more likely "Aset" or "Iset") is a goddess in [Ancient Egyptian](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ancient_Egypt) [religious beliefs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ancient_Egyptian_religion), whose worship spread throughout the [Greco-Roman world](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greco-Roman_world). She was worshipped as the ideal mother and wife as well as the patroness of nature and magic. She was the friend of [slaves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slave), [sinners](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sin), [artisans](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artisan) and the downtrodden, but she also listened to the prayers of the wealthy, maidens, aristocrats and rulers. Isis is often depicted as the mother of [Horus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horus), the hawk-headed god of war and protection (although in some traditions Horus's mother was [Hathor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hathor)). Isis is also known as protector of the dead and goddess of children.
>
---
^Interesting: [^İsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C4%B0si) ^| [^Isis ^\(band)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isis_\(band\))
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| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407636942 | 1407650939 | t3_2d46tz | t5_2to41 | 84 | zenkai_shogun: TIFU by jerking off in front of my neighbor
This happened this afternoon. So to put context to the situation I was jerking it like usual; i have the summer off from college, i had the house to myself and every guy knows free house coupled with summer boredom the only logical thing to do is rub a couple off. Anyway i sat in the living room cracked open my laptop, set up my wank station and well... went to town. I am talking about no mute, full blast, multiple tab filth; the kind of freedom a man can only enjoy when he has the house to himself. Busted 2 consecutive nuts, took a 10 min brake then busted one more. Well i guess the third time was the charm, becuase as i stand up to clean myself off i see from the corner of my eye my neighbor looking right at me wide eyed as fuck, and cluthcing his bible. I was frozen; I had balled up tissues all around my feet, my pants were down to my ankles, and my schlong was out in full view. I fucking panicked; i didn't know what to do so... i waved and then quickly hobbled to close the shutters; but thats not the worst part. The worst part is that my neighbor waved back, meaning that he definitely saw me. I should note that my neighbor is a devout christian and just moved in about 2 months ago. From the way i was wacking it he probably thinks i am possesed by some dick devil. I am now counting the days until college rolls back around and dreading my future holiday breaks.
TL;DR: Had the house to myself decided to rub a couple out, didn't realize i had the shutters up, and ended up scaring my religious neighbor with my "devil dick"
Edit 1: Due to some of the comments on this post I became so freaked out that I decided to do a little digging. I mean why would any sane person just watch another man bust 3 nuts without permission? OK maybe 1 out of curiosity or humor but 3! So anyway I went on http://www.familywatchdog.us , which is a website that displays registered sex offenders in your area as red dots. Well it turns out that not only do i have a fucking red dot in my building but I'm living in a sea of goddamned red dots! I feel like PAC man, except this isn't a game; its my ass. I literally feel like I am going to shit my pants. Did I unknowingly just put up a pedophile bat signal? The chow bell has been rung guys. Will I make it back to college in one piece? Find out on the next episode of dragon ball Z!
FatWithAnF: Sounds like he fucked up. You just asserted your dominance over your domain.
Teotwawki69: [This](http://i.imgur.com/rnLfXpB.gif) is how I imagine OP asserting his dominance...
PurpleAmity: What movie is this from?
Zolfy: We Need To Talk About Kevin
jenniferjoyous: Fucking hell that looked *exactly* like my creepy sex obsessed ex Kevin.
Weird feels.
Zolfy: Jennifer...We Need To Talk About Kevin
| 7 | 12 | |
1407634591 | 1407639112 | t3_2d43ud | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my ex-fwb find a couple on craigslist to have a foursome with
Let me start off by saying my grammar, writing skills aren't the best.
I had a fwb for a few months, and we find couples to fuck and whatnot. However, we only had one successful hookup with another couple which was pretty amazing. He was desperate to find another one, so I was like okay do whatever you have to do.
He finds a couple on cg and showed me their photos which looked fine to me. The wife was cute, and we assumed the guy in the photo was her husband. We voiced verified and everything. Our first mistake was not meeting them in public and letting them come to his house.
When we opened the door we saw an obese woman and her not as big husband, and we were like fuck. Yay, we got catfished. We let them in anyways because I don't even know why. That was mistake number two.
Mistake three was letting her make out with me and finger me(she sucked at it). After my friend fucked and cummed, he went to clean up. When husband started fingering me and she went fucking ballistic!
She just yelled,'WE'RE DONE!', and stormed out. I thought she was going to break something or punch me.
The lesson I learned is to have threesomes, foursomes, etc. with people who are single and sane.
TL;DR Got catfished by a crazy obese lady and her husband, but proceeded to play with them anyways.
PurpleFiddle: ... lol wut?
black_george: Words of my mind
| 3 | 5 | |
1407636796 | 1407725641 | t3_2d46n7 | t5_2to41 | 125 | AlbatrossNow: TIFU by fixing my constipation
So, I have been constipated for the past 4 days. The first 2 days I thought nothing of it. Then I realized, "Huh, I haven't pooped in a while. I must be constipated!" Fast forward 2 more days of trying water, exercise, fiber, etc, and nothing is working. I just decided to cave and get some good ol' prune juice.
Now, this was the first time I have ever been constipated to the point where I can't poop after a few days no matter what. So, subsequently, this is my first time trying prune juice. Now, inexperienced me of 12 hours ago had no idea that 4 fl oz of prune juice is the recommended amount to fix constipation. I then proceed to chug nearly the ENTIRE bottle of prune juice until I cannot bear the taste anymore. So I sit there, convinced this will work, and wait for about an hour.
Fast forward an hour, and that's when it hits me. The stomach rumbles. I rush to the bathroom, pull down my trousers, and let it fly. But, nothing happens at first. Suddenly, I let out the loudest fart you can imagine. It was like a damn nuclear bomb when off in my butthole. After a few more nuclear farts, some liquid poop finally starts to emerge. Then, it hits. The solid turds come out. After some straining and pushing, finally everything is out, and its all good. I feel as if I have just conquered an entire army. "YES, its finally over!" But no, it is far from over.
About 10 minutes later, I get back on the toilet cause I feel some more rumbling. What happens next will forever haunt my bowels: Suddenly, the flood gates open. An OCEAN of liquid poop ejects from my bowels and sprays all over the toilet bowl below. It was like the hoover dam had broken. This ass-coating, toilet covering, liquefied horror proceeds to continue for the next 4 HOURS for every 10 to 30 minutes. After a while, my butthole is so raw I cannot even fathom how I will manage the next tsunami. But, somehow, I do manage. I shit you not, after nearly 15 times of expelling liquid from my anus, my asshole is more raw than an uncooked Thanksgiving turkey. Then, my relief finally ends, and I now have a wet wipe sitting in my ass crack to relieve the pain of my raw butt.
So, here is a PSA for you all. DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH PRUNE JUICE.
Tl;dr: Drank too much prune juice and ended up having multiple poop tsunamis and a raw turkey butt afterwards.
[deleted]: Magnesium Citrate oral solution.
Guaranty in 10 minutes there won't be the slightest bit of shit left anywhere inside your body.
You'll feel so light, might need to tie yourself down so you don't float away.
Make sure you don't have plans to go anywhere for at least six hours after drinking the stuff.
tiffjv: That stuff works, but god, it tastes awful!
alidra47: absolutely horrible
| 4 | 31.25 | |
1407639019 | 1407640469 | t3_2d49gw | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing too much league of legends
So last night I went out with my friends to a bar.
Some personal background: I'm naturally shy and have really low self esteem and can't talk to girls properly.
Anyways, this girl came up to me and started talking to me. I'm pretty sure she was not interested in me and just wanted some casual conversations. She was pretty attractive IMO.
So, she was talking about how she went to prom with this guy she didn't want to but he said he would write her a history essay so she agreed.
I, didn't know how to respond, instinctively said "worth."
W in T actual F. I said "WORTH".
soalone34: I'm confused. Like worth as in it's worth it? Doesn't really seem like that big a deal to me unless I'm missing something.
Satansnightmare0192: In LoL, it is common for a player to say worth if they kill an enemy right before they do
soalone34: Oh, thanks for explaining.
Satansnightmare0192: No problem brother
| 5 | 1 | |
1407641151 | 1407658837 | t3_2d4c9t | t5_2to41 | 66 | dogecoin_pleasures: TIFU by unwittingly having my mother follow my reddit comments as if they were a fun blog
Let me give some context to this fuckup by saying: my old reddit account had grown to almost 4000 comment karma after more than a year of frequenting embarrassing subreddits such as the likes of r/foreveralone, and generally posting incriminating material such as a furry fic writing prompt (which I did ironically for fun, but...).
Anyway, today my phone had run out of internet juice, so I picked up my mom's Ipad to do a quick google search. As soon as I press the search bar, all of her bookmarked favorites pop up beneath it.
So reddit, what did I see on the first line of her favourites? OVERVIEW FOR U/FUCKING IDIOT, that's what. I clicked on it and confirmed the worst: there were all my posts, all of them sharing content that definitely wasn't meant for her to ever read.
Naturally my first priority was to ABANDON SHIP.
**TLDR; I am a danger to myself and must have my typing fingers restrained against my will.**
jxjen: This is really weird... Why would she be doing this? So disrespectful of her to invade your privacy like that as if it were normal
EstryusF: Yea, how dare she invade his privacy by reading his public reddit profile that is literally open for the world to see.
Necrontyr_2014: She made an effort to find out and stalk his Reddit account, while not even letting him know she was doing it. If he is an adult this is not normal at all. Not even one ducking dragon-dildoing bit.
EstryusF: > If he is an adult this is not normal at all
This is totally normal. Parents always want to know what their children are doing. If you post your interest and behaviours online for literally anyone to see, you better believe a parent would be one of the ones to see. (that is if they know how to)
| 5 | 13.2 | |
1407639466 | 1407643966 | t3_2d4a2q | t5_2to41 | 54 | theoneirologist: TIFU using AirPlay
For those who don't know what airplay is, it's a way to stream pictures, videos, movies, etc. to your TV through an Apple TV off of your device. The family was in town today , aunts, uncles, grandparents, everyone. I was showing my new Apple TV to my grandma and how I could throw a YouTube clip on my phone through the tv. Needless to say, I don't think she quite wrapped her head around the concept, but she thought it was fascinating nonetheless.
My girlfriend has been out of town and it was wreaking havoc on that primordial part of my brain. To quote Chris Hansen, "I couldn't control my horny level." I needed release so I skipped off to the bathroom and whipped out my phone and scoured the internet for the least self depraved video I could find. Standard PnV. I selected the video and set my phone down and dropped trow. Before I could pick the phone back up I heard a loud shriek and audible "oh my gods." Then it hit me. I was still on the wifi and the porn streamed to the downstairs tv. Id say it was on for a solid 15 seconds before I abruptly closed out. I sat on the toilet pondering my biblical FU. I went back downstairs to my entire family's best attempt at a collective poker face. Yea, it was awkward.
Tl;dr streamed porn to my living room TV in front of extended family.
LegendaryPrimate: Did Chris Hansen really say that?
buttorfinger: Quoting a predator's chat log
| 3 | 18 | |
1407644422 | 1407746611 | t3_2d4giz | t5_2to41 | 7,037 | [deleted]: TIFU By Unknowingly Masturbating In Public For Years
This is from when I was young, which is quite a few years ago, before internet porn.
First of all, a bit of scene-setting information. Our house was in a cul-de-sac, up on a hill and it was the only two-story house in a neighborhood of single-story houses. We were close to the road, too, so our house was very visible from everywhere in the neighborhood.
When I was a teenager my parents worked late hours and I had the house to myself well into the evening. Quite often, I would spend a couple of hours leisurely browsing a stack of Playboy magazines that my father thought he had hidden from me. I had a particular jerking method I used. I would go upstairs to the living room, open a bunch of magazines to my favorite pages and lay them out on the floor. Then I’d stand up and jerk off, looking from one girl to another, until I finally came. I’d make this last as long as possible, going slowly when I was close and then picking up speed again at the end. I could go for ages.
What somehow escaped my attention was that the living room light silhouetted me through the curtains and projected my jerking off to the entire neighborhood, like a lighthouse warning families to keep their daughters away. I did this for years without realizing that everyone knew exactly what I was doing. No wonder the neighbors avoided us.
LT;DR: TIFU by projecting myself masturbating to the whole neighborhood, like the Batsignal of a lonely virgin.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
Edit2: [Narrated by Cyae1!](http://youtu.be/zxlHoOBo10E?list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6)
Edit3: Some people have been asking about how the silhouetting looked, how I knew, etc. [HERE](http://i.imgur.com/X0EdIE0.jpg) is a diagram of the room. As for how I found out, there was no great reveal. It was just a private dawning of realization and embarrassment as the pieces mentally fell together one day.
Diablos_Advocate_: "The neighborhood kids play happily in the street in the summer twilight. But as the evening sun sets, their nervous glances towards the hill become ever more frequent. They know they will have to scatter to their homes soon, for The Furious Shadow approaches. It always comes. It will sweep across the homes defiling everything it touches with its obscene vacillation. It will rise and fall wildly, without regard to sense or sanity. It will leap and bound in frantic ecstasy into the dark corners and wee hours of the night, finally writhing slowly to a stop. It has satiated itself again. When will it end?"
[deleted]: It always comes - dying at this one
3gaydads: RIP in peace
patrikas2: "RIP" already means Rest In Peace, so no need for the extra peace. Actually, we could use some more in the middle east!
Edit: It's funny how many people call me out not knowing how redundant they sound. Do you also say PIN number and ATM machine?
ClevarNiggar: it is RIP in piece
patrikas2: Nope
ClevarNiggar: you are too dumb, why do u think everybody downvoted your incorrect comment. RIP in piece your intelligence
patrikas2: ["Rest in peace" (Latin: Requiescat in pace) is a short epitaph or idiomatic expression wishing eternal rest and peace to someone who has died. The expression typically appears on headstones, often abbreviated as "R.I.P.".](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rest_in_peace)
Read a fucking book once in a while.
ClevarNiggar: LOL anyone can edit Wikipedia, just accept you are wrong, cant you see all the ppl are downvoting you. RIP in piece your karma
patrikas2: I dare you to edit it and see how long your change stays up.
ClevarNiggar: stop sending me messages because you are embarrassed to admit your mistake in public
patrikas2: Lol
| 13 | 541.307692 | |
1407645711 | 1407650357 | t3_2d4i2k | t5_2to41 | 15 | lmaoguard: TIFU by having sex with the girl who tied a rakhi on me.
Today is rakshabandan - a festival in India where a sister ties on a thread ( rakhi) onto her brothers wrist . This is supposed to give the elder brother good health/prosperity, etc. I don't know the real reason.
But anyways that is what rakshabandhan is. My 'friend' tied on a rakhi on my wrist. I told her how I really felt about her. We talked about it , and then we ended up fucking in the car. No condom. Just a thread on my wrist.
Now I am a behenchod (hindi for sisterfucker).
TL;DR : The girl I had/have a crush on tried to sisterzone me and we ended up fucking. Now its awkward.
Some_NSA_Spy: She isn't really your sister though is she?
6romperstomper9: No but if we pretend she is, this TIFU will be down right sexy!
Some_NSA_Spy: /r/wincest am I right?
Edit: NSFW
6romperstomper9: Dude.......fucking warning next time! But yeah, you're right.
zn5: Why does this make sense?
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1407646361 | 1407647086 | t3_2d4itc | t5_2to41 | 4 | jess_write: Just ate a whole pizza
ANonMeUS: Tomorrow will be miserable...I know how that feels and I feel for you. It's always good to give in every now and then to stay sane...
jess_write: Im sure it will. Le sigh.
ANonMeUS: I've actually been thinking a lot about this recently and it's a little frightening...these natural food sources we have are going to become scarce and we're going to be turned to further processed / genetically altered foods...how are people (like us, used to eating clean, healthy foods) going to cope when that time comes?
| 4 | 1 | |
1407647180 | 1407649168 | t3_2d4jre | t5_2to41 | 115 | borrowingyourcarLOL: TIFU in a company meeting by showing everyone Youjizz.com
I started a new job at an advertising company 3 weeks ago, and as I've been getting trained and ramped up I've gotten pretty confident in my abilities as a manager leading meetings.
At this point, I guess I should probably say I'm a regular visitor of Youjizz.com.
I had a big strategic meeting with all of the higher-ups of my company and several of my team members and many others. I was leading the meeting and projecting my computer onto the conference room projector going through a powerpoint presentation I created.
The meeting came to a close and I felt so great as it was a huge success when I got to the Q&A section when somebody mentioned a familiar marketing campaign which I Immediately suggested pulling up on Youtube. As I quickly typed in the URL, I hit "Enter" and before my eyes the homepage of Youjizz.com lit up in front of the entire conference room.
All I remember in the next three minutes was seeing thumbnails of tits and cumshots on asses, seeing everyones face in the room turn flush red followed by a mixture of laughter and disgust (depending on age and gender), and me abrupty - and awkwardly - closing down my computer frantically in front of everyone and then scurrying out of the room.
This happened on Friday and I'm planning to call in sick on Monday. I can't go back there.
Some_NSA_Spy: This is why god created incognito mode
DAF99: Your username can't be anymore relevant.
Some_NSA_Spy: Hey, I am not saying nobody can see what you do on incognito mode
| 4 | 28.75 | |
1407648360 | 1407650434 | t3_2d4l0b | t5_2to41 | 7 | DAF99: TIFU by almost having my best friend break up with her boyfriend
This was probably one of my biggest fuck ups during my time at high school. Alright, so I'll preface the story by saying my friend and I (let's call her Sarah) came over to my house to spend the night. My parents were really chill with her staying over because she is a very close friend with both my sister and myself.
Her boyfriend (Rick), who is an incredibly nice guy who I've also become friends with, and I like to joke around with, was texting her throughout the night. Well, during a 10pm run to grab some ice cream, I asked Sarah if I could borrow her phone to say "hi" to Rick.
She said yes because she knew that we were friends and it would be a passing hello. Though, when she handed me the phone I slowly sounded out what I was "typing" which went along the lines of: "Hey, Rick you dumb ass it's me."
But, in reality, I only sent him "send me nudes."
I showed Sarah and both she and I thought it was actually pretty hilarious, but Rick never responded during the car ride.
Around 12:30, Sarah gets a text from Rick saying, "My mom saw that and she said I can't see you anymore...." It turns out Rick's parents are STRICT Catholics which I only discovered about until after, and they saw his phone light up while he was in the shower. Not to mention, his 8 year old sister heard what the message said when his mom started yelling at him about it too. Sarah instantly started freaking out and called Rick, but, to no avail, he would not pick up.
I, feeling like the biggest douche on the planet, start apologizing to Sarah, but she is just not having any of it. So, I text Rick on my own phone telling him how big of a douche bag I feel and to tell his parents that it was me who sent the text in the first place, not Sarah. He texted me back saying that he thought it was pretty funny too, but his mom now thought that Sarah was some whore/Succubus that was going to "ruin" Rick.
To keep me from getting the heat he changed my contact to some jackass no one was very fond of, and his mother made Rick swear to never talk to that unnamed jackass again. He kept dating Sarah afterwards and his sociopath for a mother got over it, and apparently his dad was pretty proud of how popular he had gotten with the ladies as well. There still dating today, and are even going to the same university too.
I feel like the moral of the story is: If you intentionally call someone a Succubus you are bat-shit crazy.
Tldr; I texted my best friend's boyfriend "send me nudes" and his hardcore religious mother flipped her shit when she saw it.
MikeRabsitch: Who showers at 10pm?
directdread23: Me, right before i sleep
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407648626 | 1407650376 | t3_2d4l9w | t5_2to41 | 3 | Kealion: TIFU by getting a co-worker in more trouble when trying to back them up
MikeRabsitch: You should have called her out on the "if I don't eat something, I'm going to throw up everywhere." Does not compute.
Kealion: I had a line of people quickly backing up and I'm just as wrong as she is if I get snippy with her. Wasn't worth my time to start a fight right there.
| 3 | 1 |
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