start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1407648499 | 1407781413 | t3_2d4l5f | t5_2to41 | 3 | edgeblackbelt: TIFU by breaking too quickly.
Malamutewhisperer: La-A....is that prouncounced: Ladasha?
If it is, I'm going to shit myself.
edgeblackbelt: Prepare your anus, because the dash is pronounced.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407648964 | 1407734719 | t3_2d4ln1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing myself
I was having dinner with my sisters new beau and after dinner on the car ride to drop me back off at home ( I live with my boyfriends family) I realized I had to pee. When we arrived, I realized I REALLY HAD to pee and I was about to walk up to the garage and then run inside. I didn't want to wait to say bye so I say "I have to use the bathroom and I'll come back to say bye" of course they respond by saying, " well we might as well go in" so they are right behind me. Usually my boyfriends family is inside or in the backyard. Today they were if course in the garage. I had to pee SO BAD! As I was approaching the garage, I scurried to the nearest bush and started to pee myself (wearing a dress thank god!) trying to go as fast as I can to avoid my sister and her new beau. As the garage opens I see my boyfriends mom and little brother and I rush inside before they see me peeing in front of their garage. My boyfriends mom screams and thought I was a ghost, thats how fast I was running! So I'm running to the bathroom now with pee dripping down my leg and on the floor. I was too embarrassed to go back out. But I manage the courage by wiping my legs of with towels in the bathroom and go back out playing it out like nothing happened. No one said anything...Walking back out I see pee trailing to my bathroom. So I rush back to my room put on some socks and casually wipe it up by dragging my feet across the floor before anyone sees. And this happened about 5 minutes ago.
rwfforever: Geez, were you being obvious about having to go on the car ride or could you hide it?
GNasty49: I was holding it in, I told them I had to pee and tried to be civilized and act calm but inside I was REALLY trying to hold it in, shaking my leg and gripping the door handle ready to jump out the car when pulled up to my house
| 3 | 2 | |
1407648834 | 1407651471 | t3_2d4lhe | t5_2to41 | 25 | ZombiesAteMyLabors: TIFU by offering to give my grandma a sponge bath. NSFW
So this happened a couple years ago, but this seemed like the perfect place to tell the story. I was going to a local community college while I lived at home with my parents. It was finals time, and my parents were out of town doing this wine tour thing. The night before my bio final I set my alarm for super early to give myself plenty of time to get ready and get to my exam.
Despite my good intentions, I slept through the alarm and woke up considerably later than I intended to. I still had enough time to make it to the test, but had to hurry through my morning routine to make it. I made it to school without incident, but about fifteen minutes into the test I felt that low rumble that seems all-to-familiar to the contributors to this sub. Most mornings I usually made it a point to drop the kids off before heading out to class, but that day, in my hurry, I hadn't even thought about it. Initially I wasn't too concerned, I could feel from the heat inside that it wasn't going to be pleasant, but I was confident I could quickly vent some of the pent-up gas to relieve my discomfort.
I was so wrong. As gently as possible, I squeezed out the tiniest of farts to test the waters, which ended up being brown and muddy. My rectum exploded, a squelching rrrrriiiiippp cut through the eerily quiet room as hot liquid feces quickly soaked through my pants and began to pool on the chair beneath my erupting ass.
I wasted no time in leaping from my seat and running from the room. For reasons I still don't understand it seemed incredibly essential that I plug the steady flow of anal leakage with my hand, though it was clearly doing nothing to lessen to the collateral damage from my ungodly dribblings.
I made it into the nearest bathroom and flew into one of the stalls, slamming the door shutt behind me and tearing off my soiled jeans and boxers. At the time, I didn't have a cell phone, and wasn't about to attempt to seek help from anyone at school, so I began the painfully arduous task of attempting to clean myself up with a limited supply of toilet paper. To say it wasn't pretty would be a gross understatement. Have you ever tried to wring your own diarrhea out of your clothes?
I got as clean as I thought I could, then waited until I was sure the restroom was empty. Clad once again in my very poopy jeans I quickly strode out to the sinks, which were motion activated. I spent a good five minutes (thankfully no one came in) frantically waving my hands in front of the sensors but could not get so much as a drip of water out of the faucets. At the time, due to the extreme trauma of the situation, it seemed like the best course of action was to wash the remaining shit off of my hands in the toilet bowl, so I went ahead and did that and got the fuck out of there, way too humiliated to even think about going back to the final. I drove back to my parents home just about ready to give up on life.
I walked in the front door and was momentarily surprised to see my grandma, on my mom's side, sitting on the living room couch reading an issue of Cosmo. Then I remembered, it was Wednesday and I gave Gran her spongebath every Wednesday. "Hey Gran, ready for your spongebath?" I asked as I sped for my bedroom, hoping to change out of those clothes before Gran noticed anything. I never had a chance.
"Is that poopy?" she demanded. Her use of the word "poopy," usually unavoidably hysterical to me, produced not the faintest hints of laughter on this day. I looked down at the ground in deepest shame for several long moments before finally looking up to meet her gaze.
"P-Poopy? Heh, no Gran, it's chocolate cake, this girl at school tripped and spilled it all over me." She leered over at my pants suspiciously and then rose from the couch. I froze in terror as time seemed to slow down to a crawl. Gran made her way over and reached out a finger, sliding it across the deep brown poop stain on the back of my jeans. Without hesitation but still impossibly slowly, she raised the finger to her lips and licked it.
I looked into her eyes, and I could tell, *she knew*.
TheRealBobaFett: By the title I wasn't expecting... That...
ZombiesAteMyLabors: hahaha, what *were* you expecting?
doublin23: i dont know what the fuck i was expecting, but definitley not that.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1407649381 | 1407651113 | t3_2d4m28 | t5_2to41 | 17 | UN1127: tifu by recording my girlfriends sister in the shower and getting caught
r0se-hips: Sorry but you sound like a total douche bag.
UN1127: Not even going to lie, i am :(
kaosdaklown: a TOTAL douchebag would post the video...
jamesknewbetter: Lol
kaosdaklown: douchebag...totally clicked the link. ewwww
jamesknewbetter: You actually watched it. ..😂
UN1127: my right mitt is pretty much raw at this point, good thing I'm a switch hitter ;)
| 8 | 2.125 | |
1407642490 | 1407650514 | t3_2d4e0o | t5_2to41 | 11 | Roert42: TIFU by washing my car and building a shed.
I've been wanting to wash my car for a while now but i work full time and only have off on the weekends. So today i decided to wash my car. then after i was done i was standing on the walk in front of my house rinsing out my sponge. The walk was getting a bit hot so i thought, i'll just step into my nice cool, soft lawn. I have no idea what i stepped on but it hurt like a motherfucker, and i proceeded to announce it to the whole neighborhood.
I just figured i stepped on a sharp rock because i have a gravel driveway. After a few moments it stopped hurting so i didn't think any of and proceeded to walk around in my muddy gravel driveway. It wasn't until a couple hours ago when it started to hurt, but i figured it may just be my sock sitting funny in my boot. Took my boot off and found out there is a giant hole in my foot.
This reminds me of something that happened when i was around 6, and my father was building a big shed in the back yard. I was helping him tear down the old shed and i saw him stepping on the head of a nail to push it into the wood the rest of the way. I wanted to help and do this too, so i found a piece of wood with a nail sticking out and stepped on the fucker. Forgot the most important part though, and stepped on the pointy part of the nail like a dumbass. It went straight through the sneaker and into my foot.
TLDR; luckily i have a bone in my foot or i would have two holes in the top of my foot too, instead of just two of the bottom.
JustBad2: >stepped on the pointy part of the nail
>went straight through the sneaker and into my foot
That made *my* foot hurt
Roert42: me too
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407650464 | 1407828421 | t3_2d4n5q | t5_2to41 | 8 | THE_PSICORAPIST: TIFU by finishing a game and not being able to take a shit again. Ever.
For the past 6 months i've been playing plague inc every time i went to visit the porcelain throne. Everyday i would sit, start a run and just do my business. It actually came to the point that i can no longer do it if i'm not playing.
Today, i finished all scenarios in brutal, with all the golden biohazard stars, achievements and plagues. (Even zombie and neurax ones). I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
jorgejimz: That's some messed-up shit.
Get it? "Messed-up shit" *shit*
Sleepyscumbag: +1 for bad pun
YouWantALime: +1 for bad rhyme
| 4 | 2 | |
1407649814 | 1407651742 | t3_2d4mhn | t5_2to41 | 13 | DropitLikeitsHot33: TIFU by accidentally sending a nude to an old friend...
TIFU, well actually it happened 5 weeks ago, I just got into my room after having a swim and I was getting changed. I had my snapchat opened on my phone in my hand while naked and I randomly decided to take a photo with no intentions of sending it. (I was full body naked in mirror, im male). I then put my phone down with the photo still on the screen and looked for some undies to put on, but I had forgot to take them to my mums house, they were still at my dads.
I then called out to my brother in the other room to borrow some of his and before I knew it he was approaching my room to bring them to me. I quickly put a towel around me and grabbed my phone off the bed. Instead of pressing the sleep button on my iPhone, I for some reason just tried keeping the phone on and keeping it close to me so he couldn't see as I grabbed the undies off him. He leaves and I put them on, I then look at my phone and it has the name of the friend (Chloe) and the loading/sending circle spinning. I quickly think holy shit and exit the app to turn my 3G off before it sends. I do this but by the time I did the snapchat had sent. It felt like the world was about to end.
I used to be friends with this girl, she went to my school last year. I hadn't seen her or talked to her much this year. I didn't know what to do so I quickly sent her another snapchat saying "sorry my friend stole my phone and sent the photo" which is a real stupid excuse. I send another blurry pic of my brother when he is not looking saying 'assshole' which implied that, that was my friend. I then sent her a message on facebook saying pretty much the same excuse.
10 mins later she opened the snapchats without seeing my fb message. Then she read the fb message and sent me a message back saying "dw, its all good, I wont tell anyone, not a big deal". Which was the biggest relief of my life as I was freaking out. I haven't spoken to her since but if we catch up in a big group, things might get awkward, I just trust she wont tell anyone. First nude photo ive taken, first one ive sent. Now every time we talk about this girl at school or she comes up in conversation I start freaking out and thinking maybe my friends all know.
soalone34: She was impressed.
rxcowboy: Nope, she said not a "big" deal. She's seen some dicks, and this one didn't measure up.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407651466 | 1407691085 | t3_2d4o7s | t5_2to41 | 9 | Optic-Feel: TIFU By losing the love of my life
Just like any other TIFU, this happened a little while back during the summer.
I had finally gotten the girl I loved into a relationship. We had already tried a relationship before but I messed it up back then too. I'm not sure on how bad of a person it makes me for ruining it twice. Anyways, so my buddy (already has a girlfriend) wanted to hang out with my ex, the one that ruined it the first time, so we all hung out. I thought it was fine. I get my love into my life again and have told her many times on how I've changed, I thought life was great. Then, she heard about my ex and I hanging out. For the next few days we argued about it. Now me being a stupid teenager, I had some shots of Vodka and she brings it up again. She proceeds to force me to make a choice, her or my "Friends", and drunk angered me picks the wrong people. I had worked months to make her see that I was a retard and, there I go, doing it again.
My so called, "Friends", slowly have just left me and I see my mistakes, again, and a day hadn't gone by where I don't think of her and it angers, saddens, and kills me knowing how bad I really am. People tell me everyday that there are more fish in the sea and I'm so young so I shouldn't worry about it but there's only one her and that's who I would have much rather spent my life with instead of searching.
I just wish I could go back and make everything right or if I could find a way to show my true changes, any advice would make me feel better. Right now... I wish I was honestly dead instead of alone.
If you get that one person in your life, don't be me.
Moral of the story: fucked up, Got my love back, fucked up again, leading to loneliness and depression.
Malamutewhisperer: Hahahaha...ok, I am a guy.
That being said...these first few comments don't get it, and I feel for their SO's (s.o.s. seems somehow appropriate).
OP eluded to the fact he fucked up their relationship with the ex in question. So...the girl should be ok with him hanging out with her, AGAIN, when they are trying, AGAIN, to have a relationship?
Yeah, but it's all about her.
No, sorry fellas, she had every fucking right to say that. And as OP went on to say, his friends weren't really worth a shit and have all faded away.
Never too late to give a true, heart felt apology. What you did was insensitive...how you handled it was toxic. If for nothing else, just to make yourself feel better. :I'm sorry I didn't think how it would make you feel, I'm really sorry how I handled it after."
Seems like the ship has sailed, and maybe you have already done this. If so, good job. If not, can't hurt...don't let her go through life thinking you're a COMPLETE douchebag.
Optic-Feel: Thank you bro. It seems like you're the only one to understand the situation.
Malamutewhisperer: You're welcome. As far as 'other fish in the sea', as hard as it is to believe, it's so very true. People at 18 are far different than 16. And that doesn't compare to 21. 21 pales in comparison to 26. And at 34, I look back at me at 26 and see so many differences. Who I dated at 19 would make me want to kill myself now...and that lasted 3 years. And I would've sworn she was my soul mate at times. So, don't dwell. Dwelling will doom you to repeat similar mistakes (like pining about this girl while the next one is right in front of your face, hypothetically speaking). Learn from it, grow from it. If you can, make that heartfelt apology, and do it with 0 expectations. She may not accept, and you have to be ok with that.
You seem like a good guy who made a dumb, selfish mistake. We all do...more than once. Some of us, more than 'a lot'.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407653105 | 1407768972 | t3_2d4pvv | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by having anal
About two weeks ago I hung out with a friend who I sometimes sleep with. We had planned this night previously and wanted to stick to the schedule: movie, then sex shop, then my place.
When we got to the movies we immediately started fooling around and having some quiet fun in our limited space. Unfortunately for us, fellow movie goers decided the best place to sit would be in the same corner area as us, so we decided to skip out on the movie before it even started (we got our money back btw, who knew you could?). We went straight to our friendly neighborhood sex shop and bought some cheap lube, and then rushed to my place.
We were naked by the time we got to my bed and after some old school intercourse we decided it was time to knock on the back door.
She assured me she had done it before and that it does hurt at first but it feels better soon after and just told me to go very slow. She laid on her back with her legs up as I went in slowly. New experience for me seeing as every other girl I asked would say "NO!" or make me pull out after the tip, so yay for me. After a few minutes in that position I figured it was time to imitate all the porn I watch and try doggy style, and just start to go faster and deeper.
The whole time the room was dark and the only thing my eyes were focused on was her body in front of me, as well as me paying attention to her moaning. Having a great time at this point until I notice a [smell](http://www.quickmeme.com/img/c5/c52970ce2092614d24661236ed5b996cf62f5bd757569e57e134ec340e1a4538.jpg) that causes my pecker to soften mid-act.
I tried to move my head to the side to not smell it but is to no avail. Next thing I know, I hear sobbing as she pulls away from me and begins to cry before running to the bathroom, leaving me there in a dark room, naked, with a smelly smell. I lay down as I wait for her and try not to think what's on my dick. She comes back a few minutes later crying and apologizing and tells me I should probably get cleaned up. I tell her not to worry and enter the restroom, turn on the light, and look down, yup, poop on my pipi.
I hold my breath as I pre-clean with toilet paper, then run back to my room, make a silly joke to try to cheer her up (she didn't get it), and picked up a towel. After a quick shower that mainly focused on my fun parts being disinfected, I go back to my room to see her still sobbing and apologizing, once more I tell her it's fine, comfort her and ask if she wants to shower. While she showers I lay in bed and try not to think of the smell in my room and regret my choice for the day, specially since she wanted to spend the night, a very awkward night. Since that day I feel weird whenever I say anything involving toilet drama, specially around her.
TL;DR: Had anal sex with a girl, got poopoo on my pipi and a smelly room.
Mardi2003: I heard it helps to get an enema before anal. Less awkward when it comes to dookiedick
Voyager5555: Yeah, I've never understood why people think it's a great idea to randomly try it, you need prep first.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1407653137 | 1407710998 | t3_2d4pwv | t5_2to41 | 26 | jwrx: TIFU by taking a poo in the woods.
This morning was my normal Mountain Bike ride at a local forest reserve, but after getting geared up and about to go, my grumbling tummy and on fire ass was telling me that last nite "all you can eat Thai" buffet was not a great idea.
I hiked deeper into the woods, found a beautiful peaceful spot, sun was shining, birds were chirping, found a spot and let go all of last nites tom yum and green curry....thats when the horrors began, the moment i pooed, everything which flew, hopped, skittered made a beeline for me, bottle flies, horseflies, honey bees, you name it they came, all landed on the delicious concoction below me, as i stared at the moving black mess of insects and tried not to gag, i realized i still had to clean myself, and the moment i moved, the swarm of Nurgle would fly up and land...all..over...me. Everytime i moved, they would fly and resettle their filthy poo legs all over me, twice they landed on my butt hole, could tell it was a bee cos it was fuzzy.
As I stumbled away from the evil mess i left behind, i didnt notice the foot deep hole ahead, left foot went in and "Krr..Krcck" twisted my ankle, not wanting to ask for help, i had to stumbled my way back to my group
tldr: pooed in woods, got attacked by a swarm of insects, twisted my ankle, ruined my ride.
cumoncarpet: If that ever happens again use your sock. Trust me, been there done that.
kipy3: Can confirm. Used both socks on the side of the interstate once. Gotta improvise when your in a sticky situation.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1407656363 | 1407661836 | t3_2d4spi | t5_2to41 | 14 | ahmadalfy: TIFU, My friend fucked up by masturbating on Skype
I got this phone call from my friend who was very confused and scared. He was speaking so fast I couldn't understand what he was saying. I asked him to calm down and explain what is wrong...
My friend was living in a different country because of work and now he is back with his wife. They don't have a house here yet so he's living with his family and she is living with hers till they get a new one.
He said: "My life is ruined man. The internet is gonna destroy everything I have been working hard for ... *cries* ... Look man, you know I am living away from my wife these days ... I have needs ... So I was chatting with my wife using the webcam ... and you know, you figure out what happened I am too embarrassed to tell you ..." then he paused for a few seconds and I heard him talking to himself: "No, this is wrong ... Lying won't get you anywhere" and he started to talk to me again "Look! I was chatting with who-I-thought-to-be-a-girl over Skype, I got naked and started masturbating then it turned out it was a guy. He recorded the whole thing and now he started to blackmail me asking me for money then he uploaded the whole thing to YouTube and sent it over to my Facebook contacts!"
"How the fuck did he get to your Facebook profile if you were chatting over Skype?"
"I picked up a hot girl's profile on Facebook, started talking to her then we moved on to Skype. She was saying she's from Morocco."
"OK the first thing you do, close your Facebook profile NOW, you don't want that fucker to send that video to your friends and wife"
"I closed the profile already but he sent it to some friends including you and my wife *cries*"
"OK hold on a minute, I will remove the video from my wall and you go report that video immediately to YouTube. As far as I know YouTube take fast measures against videos that contain pornography on nudity"
I opened my computer and found that video is posted on a publicly shared photo that have me and friend. It was obvious, my friend is full naked erect. A couple of our mutual friends left comments like "WTF, why are you Anon naked?", "Take that video down immediately" and "wow dude you really have a small wiener!"
I erased all the comments, reported the profile who posted it and opened the video to report it. The video started to play and my wife stepped into the room. She realized that there is a naked guy on the screen. She froze for a second and I said "I know what it looks like, it isn't ... I am helping a friend removing a naked video of himself from YouTube". She said "Why would your friend send you a naked video of himself? Who's your friend and why are you watching that?" At this time my friend called me over the phone so I closed the video and returned to him "I reported the video but it is still up, I have a couple of friends who called me saying they've seen it. I will call the internet police!"
We have something in Egypt called "The Police of the internet" so he suggested that he will call them. I told him they wont do him any good because the person that is threatening him is not from Egypt!
Few hours later, the video was removed from YouTube, my friend is calming down his angry wife and making all kind of stupid excuses and the guy is still texting him threats on Skype ... Next day he went to the "police of the internet", they said that there is nothing they can do since the guy is from another country.
TL;DR: If you are gonna do some fucked up shit on the internet, learn how to hide your identity.
Teotwawki69: Your "friend," right. You're just using this to play it off to your wife, aren't you?
ahmadalfy: Yup ... I fucked up and I am trying to cover my ass so my wife wont know that I am gay.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1407657625 | 1407693280 | t3_2d4tpp | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU because I had a "relationship" with my boss.
[deleted]: I have no idea what I just read but I felt like I was high the whole time. So uhm, what happened?
Malamutewhisperer: I think he's jesse pinkman.
[deleted]: Thank you. That clears it up for me :)
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1407659329 | 1407696439 | t3_2d4v30 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating almost 2 pounds of peanut butter cups.
Grandparents brought a 3lb bag of peanut butter cups when they came to visit and I'm the only person in my family who likes them. I had about two thirds left and figured it's healthier to do them all in one go than to draw it out over many days (or weeks). How wrong I was... I've been on the toilet for the past half hour feeling like I have someone continuously stabbing me in the guts with a pencil. To top it all off the shits that are managing to come out are terrible, 2/10 at best.
[deleted]: Blah. I've finished off a whole 3 lb bag before with no issues.
[deleted]: You have a gift friend. Your stomach is super-human.
[deleted]: Lots of training. The things I go through that don't upset my stomach amaze my biologist friend.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1407663227 | 1407691375 | t3_2d4xud | t5_2to41 | 3 | PityMeMercy: TIFU by inadvertently making my boss' daughter-in-law fall in love with me and getting on the bad side of gang bangers.
Malamutewhisperer: tldr - was shy, got confidence, went bitter playboy, pregnant gf of gang banger wanted his d, he then blew gang banger to save life...
seriously -_-
jenniferjoyous: I would also like to add that being one month pregnant doesn't make your breasts 'fat with milk'. That is all.
Malamutewhisperer: You mean, nature doesn't start stock-piling milk 8 months ahead of time?
Can you imagine if they WERE 'fat with milk' after a month? Many things are become evident:
1) Women's breasts would, in some cases, need wheelbarrows by the time they hit the 3rd trimester.
2) Pregnancies would increase. Dramatically.
3) Abortions would increase. Dramatically.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1407665873 | 1407671671 | t3_2d4zoj | t5_2to41 | 21 | PassingTheTimeHere: TIFU by accidentally showing my girlfriend's mom my genitals.
My girlfriend and I regularly skype throughout the day since we're currently long distance, and we have a few 'daily' things that we do while skyping. For example, in the evening we'll always start a skype call and then proceed to shower at the exact same time just a few minutes after. She likes to see me naked and getting dressed, so most of the time she'll finish her shower before I do, and come back to her computer and wait for me to finish mine and return to my room. Today, I decided to surprise her by quite literally 'leaping' or jumping into my room as soon as I open my room door, so that she would suddenly see me infront of her on Skype, naked, as opposed to slowly walking in with a towel around my waist and then revealing my body.
So I slammed open my door and leaped into the middle of my room where she would be able to see me completely naked through Skype. I had a massive grin on my face as I was excited to see her reaction (she tends to love random surprises). However, to my own surprise, my girlfriend's mother was actually sitting there on her computer rather than my girlfriend herself. I stood there with my legs open wide, arms in the air, grinning, at my girlfriend's mom for a full 5 seconds (longest 5 seconds of my life) before I realized the horrible catastrophic mistake I had just made. She was sitting there, wide-eyed and frozen in place while I was still standing there in utter shock. As soon as I came to my senses, I dashed out of my room as fast as I could.
This happened about 3 hours ago. My girlfriend's mom is apparently quite distraught as she wasn't entirely aware that we were engaged in sexual activities.
TL;DR - Leaped into my room, butt-naked, with my schlong showing in it's entirety, hoping to surprise my girlfriend on Skype. Ended up surprising the hell outta her mother instead.
EDIT: For someone who asked 'she was sitting at her daughter's computer staring at skype with your empty room?'. My girlfriend's computer is set up in the corner of their lounge room, we don't Skype in her room. The 'sexual' things that we do, we only do them when her parents or siblings aren't at home. However, she always watches me get dressed after our shower, and it's always safe to do so because her computer is positioned in a way that nobody else can see what she's looking at unless they maneuver around a few walls, in which case she would be able to see them coming, giving her enough time to close the Skype window. Although, sometimes her computer is used by other members of her family, and I just happened to be unlucky enough (and a bit too overly zealous) to do what I did just as her mother sat down on the computer chair to apparently quickly put her phone on charge, while Skype was still maximized in full screen.
warshadow: Only one thing left to do, threesome with the mother.
Pipealot: True, OP only u have the might & power to fulfill your destiny
| 3 | 7 | |
1407666823 | 1407670993 | t3_2d50bi | t5_2to41 | 24 | irGoodman: TIFU by impersonating a girl with spine problems.
So this fuck-up in particular is from 14 year old me. Obviously, I was the coolest teenager in the entire world and made it my mission to be as hilarious as possible.
There was this one particular girl, we shall call her Hannah. Hannah walked around with her butt sticking out a bit and her chest pushed forward. Up until this point I thought it was purely for attention and to show off - after all, she had a big rack.
On this fateful day I was walking between classes with 2 friends and discussing girls. We got to Hannah and I said "Yeah, she'd be hot if she didn't look like a T-rex" and proceeded to imitate her quite over-the-top and put on a 'disabled' persons voice shouting "I'm Hannah Full Name rawrrrrrrrr" over and over.
This gets the desired reaction and I hear a bunch of laughter. What I didn't expect was "Ooooooooh's" and pointing. I turn around and There she is. She had been walking in front of us for the entire time.
I stammer out a half-assed apology, turn red and power-walk my ashamed ass out of there. I then spent the next week being explained over and over about her spinal problems that had plagued her for years. I felt awful.
To this day, I still get references to my inability to avoid being a dickhead.
tl;dr I made fun of a girl with spinal problems without knowing she was right behind me - white middle class problems. Teenagers are douchebags.
doctorish: I was going to say that you really deserved it but you do seem genuinely remorseful for your mistake.
irGoodman: I felt bad for months whenever someone would bring it up, but oh well - we all make mistakes.
| 3 | 8 | |
1407667023 | 1407715990 | t3_2d50fw | t5_2to41 | 4 | acexprt: TIFU... more like 10 minutes ago IFU
keywester: LPT: Piss in your kitchen sink, works fine as an emergency urinal.
acexprt: i have bad memories of someone getting caught doing this......
toastthebread: You gotta be 2drunk2care
keywester: or lazy
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1407671069 | 1407714105 | t3_2d539q | t5_2to41 | 11 | Rivoch: TIFU by trying to drive a car with manual transmission without knowing how to drive. (self.tifu)
First of all, my parents are on a trip I am guy of 23 years old (yes, I don't know how to drive a car yet), and my dad has a 1986 Isuzu Caribe.
I had this great I idea of learning how to drive by myself so I googled "how to drive a car with manual transmission", then I went to the car and felt pretty excited. I was going on reverse to take out the car of the parking lot and as I turned the wheel too soon I fucking hit a neighbor's Grand Vitara, it was a HUGE scratch and the car has no insurance so I am pretty fucked up.
Anyway I proceed to park my dad's car again and wanted to disappear from earth's surface, but I talked to my neighbor, he called my dad and it was very understandable that I am young and stupid so tomorrow morning we are going to take the car to repair and to know how much it will cost. Now I have to work my ass off to pay my dad.
sabre0121: That's why everyone should learn how to drive on a manual. You know, driving a real car with 3 pedals and whatnot...
Reversi8: That is technically what he was attempting to do though.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407669458 | 1407717062 | t3_2d523o | t5_2to41 | 106 | Malamutewhisperer: TIFU by using a TV controller for scale (NSFW)
Thank you to mexican jello guy for inspiring me to share...
A little background: I'm in my 30s, as is my GF. We have a gorgeous daughter together, she has 2 teenagers from a previous marriage.
My girlfriend and I can be very playful...literally. Laughing before, during, or after sex is not uncommon. Jokes are made, dances may or may not be performed with flopping extremities.
One night, a few months ago, we're in the living room, and the size of the controller suddenly occurs to me. I don't remember exactly how we got there, but there we were....and I had whipped out my controller to compare it to the tv controller....hey! Look at that! It's like a black version of me with buttons and no hair! Side by side comparisons of it running along the length, lay on top to compare girth. All in all, less than a minute, no raping of the controller was done, just heavy petting.
Girlfriend and I get distracted, night eventually ends...
Next day. Kids home from school, normal afternoon. Her teenage daughter is watching tv, which she does too often. My gf makes a joking comment about her loving tv too much. At this point a new behavior presented itself...the teenage girl, trying to be funny, picks up the tv xcontroller, yes THAT tv xcontroller (x is not by mistake at this point), and starts lovingly rubbing it against her cheek, expressing how much she loves tv, and may or may not have kissed it...
Amazingly, I witnessed this, and held my shit together in the moment. My gf was also aware of our mutual fuckup as her eyes suddenly turned into soul-stealing saucers for a second.
After the kids were all in bed....we absolutely shared one hell of a laugh over that! I will admit, I made more than a few "just like her mother" jokes. Only mildly concerned Chris Hansen shows up in my kitchen one day.
I've since cut the cord, and the satellite company now has my xcontroller. And I'm sure there's a joke I'm missing about that.
tldr - used controller for scale, girlfriend's teenage daughter then cuddled with controller, waiting for 'to catch a predator' film crew...
LarryLevis: So a thing that touched your dick touched someone else, much later? Not concerned about this one.
RoranicusMc: Exactly. Why isnt he worried when he shakes someone's hand, or when his girlfriend kisses her daughter?
Malamutewhisperer: If I were to rub one out, then shake someone's hand, same situation for me.
If she had done the same with a worn pair of boxers, I would have had the same response, and not thought it was just ok. Hilarious, but not ok.
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1407672165 | 1407758412 | t3_2d548g | t5_2to41 | 298 | ThreeSlicesOfCake: TIFU by violently masturbating in the shower
Happened a few weeks back but anyway, first a bit of background story. My family recently moved to a new city which means a new house.
Of course I got the room next to my parents which thanks to the paper thin walls means either being quiet as all fuck while spanking the monkey or doing the deed in the shower.
This is where the fuck up comes in. I get up in the morning and take a shower as usual, only today I had some sweet dreams and I wake up all stallion horny and have an earthquake like beat off in the shower. Only problem is that during my right hand adventure the water slowly starts to rise but since I'm going all in I don't notice until after I finish. Dear lord, tiny ghost like creatures swimming around, enjoying themselves in the ankle high water. What the fuck I think but quickly realize the pipes are clogged thanks to my 4 lovely fucking sisters. That moment my dad knocks on the door asking if I'm done yet. I panic my ass of and try to make a tiny whole in the rock hard fucking ball of hair that I can see. I succeed and the water runs down the pipe. Safe and sound now, I think and finally relax and walk out smiling. I get dressed and have breakfast before the horror strikes. My dad yells my full name from the bathroom, fuck me sideways I'm in trouble now. I slowly walk up to the bathroom only to find my dad standing next to the shower looking a bit pissed of. I glance at the shower and to my horror I spot a softball size lump of hair mixed with a months worth of my jizz. Todays huge load is covering the creation like the worst kind of cupcake frosting in the world.
Dad told mum and we proceeded to have a very, very awkward sort of American Pie talk about masturbation. They even handed me a box of tissues and asked if I would like a lock on my door.
Haven't had any man to hand combat since.
TIFU I fucked up by masturbating in the shower
geezee69: The more important question is, how do you beat yourself off in the shower? It's too hard for me, water has so much friction
ThreeSlicesOfCake: To much friction in like you need lube to slide or you can't get a good enough grip to strangle the chicken properly?
Edit; spelling
geezee69: no as in so much friction that my fingers start feeling like sandpaper and i can't even get hard
ThreeSlicesOfCake: Alright dude, I've got no advice for you that you can't think of yourself so how about just staying away from pulling the pork in the shower?
Otherwise I guess skin lotion, body oil, lube? And if you're in financial trouble I guess cooking oil could do the trick? Never tried but give it a shot :)
intheirbadnessreign: Speaking as a highly adventurous teenager, cooking oil works like a charm.
Writer_: How do you clean it up though? Oil sticks like a bitch
intheirbadnessreign: With great difficulty :/
| 8 | 37.25 | |
1407669500 | 1407673871 | t3_2d524i | t5_2to41 | 4 | _ASE: TIFU by backpacking in a washed out trail.
A little background before i get to the story, me and my dad love backpacking ive gone camping with him since i was 7 or 8. I trust him and i still trust him. We just made a bad mistake.
We awoke at around 5:30 am friday morning to drive 4 hours to go to the beautiful mountains by my house. We packed the day before and planned our route, at this time we did not realize the shit we would be in later that day. We drive 4 hours, its now 9:15. We begin our journey. we start to walk on a pretty easy trail around a lake this is a cakewalk through disneyland to whats to come. as we keep going there is a sign "Trail is dangerous PLEASE BE CAREFUL" Nothing about it being completely washed out with waterfalls and being in a massive ravine. We keep moving we meet this couple that tells us that its pretty difficult but nothing to cry about. so we find our selfs going happily through the mountain, the trail has significantly gotten harder as we have gone on. we were getting a bit worn but still kept trekking trough the trail. We get to the "trailhead" which is a rope across a waterfall which you are to "hold" as you cross. This alone was extremely difficult because the rocks were like ice. We get across and there is a man who tells us, "follow the stacked rocks it will lead you to the lake" where we were to rest for the night. Let me remind you, we have already hiked about 4 miles. so we follow the stacked rocks. This was literally the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life. Rocks slipping everywhere, water bellowing down at fast speeds, one slip, dead. we keep moving. But wait... Where are the stacked rocks? We are greeted by a huge waterfall that is impossible to climb or get around. We are carrying 50-60 pound packs by the way, we are lost. Its getting dark and large storm clouds are beginning to form. we. are. fucked. we are in a huge ravine, with water all around us, flash flood could happen at any time if it were to rain. Speak of the devil, it begins POURING. we look at each other and my dad says the chilling words..."we need to get the fuck off this mountain." so we begin to run back. rocks are everywhere slipping and sliding, i slip and fall and hurt my leg and get back up. Im in a panic and really at this moment I'm on the verge of tears and throwing up. my dad tells me to sit down for a moment. He says "let me get that for you" he takes my pack and keeps going. Im basically running down this mountain with huge rocks slipping beneath my feet while its pouring and my dad is caring around 150 pounds of food, water, tents, and sleeping bags. as we finally get down. my dad tells me that "this was the hardest thing i have ever done, by far." we hug. later that night, we get carls jr and listen to comedy central.
TL;DR: we go on a trail not knowing that its washed out, get lost and almost die. We have to run about 4 miles to the trail head. we get carls jr and listen to comedy on our way home.
pulsefrequency: Your dad sounds pretty bad ass
_ASE: Yeah. I would share pictures of the day, but i would have to get his permission first. Because it was all fun and games until there was a possibility of flash flood.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407672254 | 1407694979 | t3_2d54am | t5_2to41 | 18 | jess_write: Tifu by doing legs, running and eating cheese
So this happened yesterday. A bit of back story : I train hard every day, weights, kettlebells and plyo stuff. Have been going to this dungeon-y gym. Yesterday was at the dungeon for the early morning session and found that I was the only woman there. So I trained hard. Like really hard ... kicked serious ass outta them there weights. Felt like a beast. Day progressed, blah blah, family dinner for youngest nephew 1st bday. Sitting to my beans and spinach while the fam has some meat shit (o, did I mention im vegan?) Right so having diner, looking forward to my date later w this super gorgeous man and also getting the hell out of my brother's house with the chaos of four boys. Leave house, msg date for time pickup confirmation. Leave out for a quick run. Date is radio silent. Forty five mins into run, im spent and sweaty but furious bc date decides to cancel. So I keep running. Found myself in the hood yelling obscenities. Come home, meet with my girls which was fun but still let down re date. Home and decide that the only thing that will make me better is cheese. So I order a pizza. And eat the whole thing. Now my stomach sounds like a terrible symphony, my legs are shot from yesterday and all I want to do is shit and cardio. #firstworldproblems
[deleted]: Treating ones self doesn't = fucking up. Vegan or no, the body wants what it wants. You demanded cheese, ya got cheese. This is good.
[deleted]: > This is good.
How is going against your morals good? It isn't the end of the world, for sure, but it's not good.
[deleted]: Listening to your body is good. A diet as a moral stand? Seems cute.
[deleted]: No, a diet based on a moral standard, and watching your diet carefully is better than "listening to your body".
[deleted]: I'm not suggesting being frivolous but it's nice to indulge every once in a while. You can stop downvoting me, this is a simple back and forth there's no malice.
yourlycantbsrs: What if someone said they like to indulge themselves and rape a sorority girl every once in a while?
Do you see how "indulging yourself" doesn't preclude morality?
[deleted]: I was referring to things that make you feel good that don't harm other people, i.e. enjoying food that tastes good without crucifying yourself for it. Rape argument isn't valid here at all sorry.
yourlycantbsrs: What about hurting animals? If someone said they like to indulge themselves and beat and kill a cat..
[deleted]: Do cats get beaten and killed for pizza? This is news to me.
yourlycantbsrs: You're focusing on the specifics and ignoring the principles at play. What you're saying is "it's morally okay to indulge yourself sometimes, even if animals get hurt" is a fine rule to live by.
I'm asking about another situation that follows the rule that you proposed. Do you think that this situation is not okay? If it isn't okay, doesn't that mean there's something wrong with your rule?
[deleted]: "What you're saying is "it's morally okay to indulge yourself sometimes, even if animals get hurt"
Never said or implied this, you're not very good at trolling.
yourlycantbsrs: So, no response, eh? Can you at least admit that you said indulging yourself is good even if it hurts animals?
[deleted]: Sorry, was waiting for the next reply. The vegan vs meat eater argument only interests me up to a point, when it gets to the self righteousness or hectoring it becomes boring and stale.
Some people can flourish with a vegan diet and some people can't I say do what works for you. A lot of people become ex vegans because their nutritionist tells them they need to, this involves the obsessive cravings which really aren't cravings, but rather the body telling the person "you need meat silly".
The vegan diet isn't viable for the entire world. The "morality" you're talking about throws me off because it's cherry picked. You don't give two fucks about plants why? Because they grow back during farming season (animals reproduce). Plants aren't sentient in the same sense as animals but they are alive and you have no problem killing them to make yourself feel good I just don't see the difference.
It's just being selective about what you decide is important. What if a person decided that plants were more important than animals? Would you have a good argument against them? Since they both serve a purpose, whose purpose is more important? To you it'd be animals, why is that? When did you choose? The house you live in is made of wood which living trees had to be chopped down for and you're fine with that.
What's your stance on grass fed beef? Hunting? etc. My take is that those animals are going to die eventually, killing them to feed people is not immoral to me. People establish dominance over animals, we keep pets and make them do tricks so they can have treats, we post videos of them being morons for our own amusement.
We expect them to be at out beck and call. We also put animals in zoos, experiment on them for research, but killing them for food well that's just crossing the line isn't it? I just think that pretending there isn't a natural order is to deny what's really going on. Do you think hunters hate and don't respect deer? No. They're providing for themselves and/or family.
So indulging oneself for animals sake do I think it's good? I think sustenance is the right word for it. Obviously yours and my idea of sustenance isn't eye to eye.
| 14 | 1.285714 | |
1407675442 | 1407694310 | t3_2d56ym | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU - By not having "the talk" with a girl before sexy times - NSFW
I feel like I should be setting up camp in TIFU, with almost a fuckup a day for the last 36 years.
So this happened at the start of the millennium. My now ex-gf (who I've previously referenced as Samantha) broke it off with me about 10 months previously. After 3 months of feeling sorry for myself and convinced that the love of my life and soul mate had walked out of my life for good, I started to tentatively reintroduce myself to life, and women.
Now to preface, I've never been one to go clubs or bars to meet women, and not having a lot of friends my own age put a dampener on where to meet women. So I geeked out and headed online.
After about 6 months of lots of fun with lots of different women, I head out on a double date with one of my casual partners(Sue), her friend(Doug) and his girlfriend(Cuntface).
Previously, I've explained I used to be a complete asshole. Well on this day I leveled up from asshole to skullfucking cunt. Through the afternoon/evening, we head out for some dinner and ten pin bowling. Cuntface does all the driving in her car, with Doug in the front seat, Sue behind him and me behind Cuntface. Now I really didn't mean to, but I kept making prolonged eye contact with Cuntface through the evening. I also do my level best to win at ten pin bowling (which I did), and rub everyone's face in it (which I also did). Apparently all of this behaviour is panty wetting stuff for the laddies, as after Cuntface drops off her boyfriend at his place, and then me and Sue at Sue's parents Sue fucks me in her room. (For the record, Sue was 19 and I was 23 at the time. Sue me, I like them younger).
About a day later Doug and Cuntface add me on MSN or ICQ or whatever it was we were using back then. I didn't think much of this, as I thought we all had a good time. Cuntface was especially friendly, and we organise to catch up later that week.
She comes over to my house, I make dinner and we make small talk. Things take a turn towards the risque and she seems more than happy to cheat on her boyfriend to get a taste of the D. Now, here comes my FU.
Every other girl that year, I always gave them what I came to lovely refer to as "the talk". The talk involved laying down the law in regards to if things took a turn towards the bedroom that evening, that we were both aware that it was all fun and games and neither one of us were committing to anything more than that one evening. The answer to my disclaimer from every woman that I gave it to was " Oh, that's ok. We aren't having sex tonight anyway".
Hearing those words, most would feel crestfallen. I however, would mentally fistpump and hi-five my libido. Every time a woman has ever told me that she is not planning on having sex with me, she ends up doing the exact opposite. No barbiturates or alcohol involved, I've always had a rule that I'll never fuck a drunk girl. I don't know why the universe conspired to make me so happy in this particular way, and I've never taken the time to ask.
So, here I am getting hot and heavy with Cuntface, and feeling very guilty about the fact she has a bf. So I skip giving the talk because a)I'm feeling guilty, and ;
b) She has nice tits and I want them in my face tonight.
So we do the deed, and she leaves that night. Within three weeks she has moved in with me, and within 2 months I've realised what a huge mistake I've made. Here is where guilt assfucks me for a second time. Feeling guilty about taking her out of what I assume was a happy, if unsatisfying relationship, I stay with her for the next 5 years.
5 years of her making me unhappy, alienating every single friend I have, alienating my family, mentally and physically abusing me, my eventually losing my house I was buying and ending in crippling debt that exists to this day, and contributing to my very poor mental health.
When I finally am broken enough to have no fucks left to give, I break it off with her. Then starts the campaign of intimidation by her, claims of her being suicidal if I don't get back with her, threatening to kill our pets we had together for more than 3 years if I don't come back. She took everything of value from the apartment claiming it was hers by right, and she probably would have taken the rest given half a chance. She would knock on my door (or just let herself in) at all hours of the day, I found her watching me sleep one day.
TL;DR Didn't establish ground rules for sex, mentally tortured for 5 years by psychotic girlfriend
Edit 1 : I thought it was dragging on a bit, so I was a bit short with some of the details.
Why she moved in with me :
At the time she was living with her grandmother, her mother and father having split up a couple years before hand and the family home being sold off and the money split between the parents. There was a bit of a family rift there, and she wasn't speaking with her mother at the time. Her grandmother was very overbearing and demanding, she was spending every night at my place anyway and the horns weren't showing yet. I'll admit I still had a bit of baggage from the last girlfriend and she was easy going (at first).
Why I didn't leave sooner : Mainly because it was my place, and I didn't want to leave. I was in the process of buying it. Kicking her out with no where to go made me feel even lousier than staying with her. It wasn't until one night I finally lost my shit so bad that either she went or I may have gone full psycho. (At the time I didn't realise I had mental health problems, and in fact had been battling an undiagnosed case of anxiety/ bi-polar for about 15 years by that stage. ) In the weeks after she left she let herself into the apartment several times, even once while I was asleep. I suppose another TIFU was not changing the locks, but I had bigger fish to fry at the time, like trying to keep my job and save my mortgage. Spoiler alert : I lost both of those too.
adoxki: man you are one pathetic loser no offense
Malamutewhisperer: I hate comments like this, only simple minded assholes write them. No offense (that makes it ok, right?).
adoxki: none taken
Malamutewhisperer: Touche
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1407676323 | 1407799289 | t3_2d57sa | t5_2to41 | 1,028 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing a chain reaction of vomit at a restaurant.
I was eating on a patio yesterday around 6pm. What I watched will be a story I tell the rest of my life.
Some poor bastard eating alone kept getting harassed by a squirrel. I have no idea why. It would run up behind him on this black metal fence and start to touch or sniff this guy and it got to the point where it was getting on his table. I couldn't help but watch. He told the waitress but the thing ran away every time she came back and NOBODY seemed to be paying attention but me, but he didn't notice that I was paying attention.
As this squirrel got more and more aggressive I could tell he was looking around for some help. This patio was packed though so no place else for him to sit and everyone was completely indifferent to this guy's extremely weird plight.
This next part might be hard to read... He swung at the squirrel, it jumped out into the middle of the patio, and he stood up and stomped this thing with his boot. We all heard the tiny yelp, the crunch, and the blood spray forward like he just stomped a ketchup packet. He had EVERYONE'S attention at this point and he just stood there smiling at us like he was proud of this accomplishment and we were all supposed to clap.
The patio fell silent for just a moment as everyone stared and meanwhile I was laughing so hard I started to choke on my food. I was suddenly in full blown panic mode and nobody else including my wife saw me.
That's when I threw up. From the moment of the big stomp to the moment I threw up it felt like a silent eternity but in all it was only a few seconds. Pretty much immediately afterwards though I saw an old woman throw up into her napkin, and then another girl threw up onto the ground and another woman across the patio did as well over the fence. That's when the commotion really started. People stood up and started to leave but I did hear the pitter patter of one more person throwing up onto the sidewalk.
I imagine if I hadn't thrown up nobody would but I can't be certain. It was some pretty sick shit to witness.
WcDeckel: Seems like nobody is pissed off at the guy for stomping on the poor animal...
Roert42: Oh no, he killed a squirrel. -_-
ilikecamelsalot: Every life matters, no matter how small.
baconost: Every sperm...
ilikecamelsalot: A sperm is not a life.
wmeather: It's a potential life, so we should value it equally.
Bootswithderfuhrer: Think about it this way, if you didn't masturbate, most of them would die in your balls anyway. You might as well get some pleasure out of it
wmeather: Die in my balls? Is that what that smell is?
Bootswithderfuhrer: Do you honestly believe that the life of a sperm is equal to that of an animal or human being?
wmeather: Yes, now if you'll excuse me, I have to go commit mass murder.
| 11 | 93.454545 | |
1407678144 | 1407711009 | t3_2d59lu | t5_2to41 | 174 | tifukingomg: Tifu by entering through the back door
This didnt happen to me but to a friend, I had to post it though because the story is too good to be left untold to the internet. (I will be telling it from his point of view to add to the atmosphere.)
My girlfriend invited me to her house last weekend because her parents were going to leave on a trip to a luxury spa about 100 km away from our town. So in order to fully relax they would spend the whole weekend there. I arrive at her house about half in hour before they leave so I go inside have some coffee with them and all in all it is looking like it will be a fantastic weekend for the exchange of bodily fluids. Her parents leave and we are left all alone. Being the young and daring people that we are we immediately start kissing on the couch in the lounge, we start going further in and soon our clothes are off and we are both completely naked in the middle of the house. She tells me she wants to take it in the ass. Excited, I run to her room to grab some body lotion for an easy entry. I get back and smear her ass with it and proceed to fuck her ass with the force of a miuntain goat ramming a wall repeatedly so I got that shit really shaken up. About 30 minutes in we are still going at it and all is well until (yes the inevitable "until") we here the front door open. Her dad had come back because he had forgotten his wallet, instead he came back to see his daughter being fucked in the ass. I panic and pull out in an effort to apologise to him. As I pull out leaving her ass wide open and lo and behold a massive waterfall of shit explodes out of her butt covering a good portion of the couch and my feet. This was too much for me and I bolt out of the house with only my t-shirt in hand and a trail of shitty footsteps behind me.
Tl;dr fucked gf in ass, dad came back, I pulled out, she shat on the floor, I ran away with a trail of shitty footsteps behind me.
Update: Parents ended up taking the girl with them for the weekend for a serious talk (so much for the relaxation) on the monday when they got back my friend went over to apologise to the parents. After a lengthy discussion with her parents about the do's and do not's he was allowed to carry on seeing her. The dad still has a watchful eye on him though.
lllola: What are the "do's and do not's" the dad laid down? Was anal explicitly mentioned? I hope it was.
tifukingomg: Well do's are always being respectful to her. Act in a manner that would be appropriate all that stuff. Don'ts are no sexual activities(don't think he could even mention anal), and they may not be alone together until she is 21
lllola: I don't understand how he wasn't being respectful to her. She wanted him to fuck her in the booty, and he was. It's no one's fault that she crapped all over the furniture.
No sex is ridiculous, and not being allowed to be alone together is even more ridiculous.
How is your friend going to handle this?
throwawayjoe8: If it was my daughter that mother fucker would have died if he ever tried to come back over. One thing a father never wants to ever see is his baby girl taking a dick in the ass however I guess even worse is to see your son taking a dick in the ass. Yeah I think that would be worse, but yeah dude is lucky he is allowed to even still date the girl.
lllola: I can empathize with the sentiment of not wanting to see your daughter get ass-rammed but they're in a RL and at that age, I think parents are ignorant as f if they think their kids aren't sexually active. I know some 20ish year olds wait (hell, I know a girl who is still a virgin at 30) but by 21 I think they should brace themselves for the fact that their daughter MAY NOT BE A VIRGIN.
I have friends with teenage and 20-something adult children and find that the ones who aren't in denial about what's going on tend to have the best, most honest and open RLs with their kids. Obviously nobody wants to see their family members fornicating (I know some do, but we won't discuss that here), but shaming your daughter like this seems silly to me.
"Kids will be kids" and all she's going to do is go to greater lengths to hide her behaviors if she really wants to be out getting pounded by her bf.
throwawayjoe8: id rather her to go greater lengths to hide her being rammed in the ass then to walk into my home find a guy fucking my daughter up the ass and run away like a fucking coward.
lllola: Can't argue with that logic. I suppose it's good she knows daddy's keeping an eye out.
| 8 | 21.75 | |
1407679471 | 1407689141 | t3_2d5b1h | t5_2to41 | 19 | Thornaway12: TIFU by accidentally threatening to kill/seriously hurt my (ex)girlfriend and her family.
I'd been dating this girl, we'll call her Jill, for a bit. Before that Jill had been a very good friend for a long time. We usually got along great, but in the last month, had been a little edgy. We got into a fight or two, and her family, who is very protective of her, found out and went from liking me to not being sure about me. I kept worrying about her family deciding they don't like me and thus not letting us see each other.
Ironically enough this fear of them not liking me is what ultimately caused them to not like me; to hate me in fact.
A little back story then I'll get to the threat.
I'm a very shy guy, and I was very shy around Jill's family. I was afraid if I opened up to them, I'd do something wrong and that'd be it. No more dating Jill. I also just really liked her family. They're extremely kind and intelligent people, and treated me like one of them. If only I'd had this same appreciation before I said what I said.
Jill and I are both extremely protective of our families. We were also both afraid of our family's meeting each other. If they didn't get along, lord knows that would strain the already fatigued relationship.
Jill always told me not to worry about it though, to just be polite and respectful, and enjoy my time with her. Boy I wish I'd listened to Jill, she's always given good advice.
So one night, we're texting each other. My mom was having a bunch of friends over the next day, and I asked Jill if her mom would like to come and meet my mom. Jill said she probably wouldn't be able to, and then I said it probably was a good idea, because if they met and didn't like each other, that could have very bad implications.
This is about where I went into dumbass mode and all hell broke loose.
Some impulse occurred in my brain, and to this day (1 day later) I'm not sure why I said what I said, because some of it couldn't be further from the truth. I basically texted Jill saying that I was very worried about our parents meeting each other, and afraid that her family stopped liking me and had met my family and didn't like them either, that they would have more reason to not like me, and that if they wanted to insult me or hurt me that they would insult my family in the process.
This couldn't be further from the truth, her family is wayyyyyy better than that.
But what the hell, why stop there?
I then proceeded to tell her how protective I am of my family and that if anyone ever insulted them or hurt them, that I could lose my cool to the point that I, "turn into a monster and do things that would end all ties with those people, and that I wouldn't put it past myself to mutilate someone who tries to hurt my family." (I deleted the texts but that's about what I said.)
Why. The. Fuck. Would. I. Say. That.
Anyway, it didn't quite hit me what I had said until the next day. I found out then that, not only had I pissed Jill off to the point where she didn't want shit to do with me, but that her parents had seen the entire conversation. They were offended, furious, concerned, and to my knowledge a little afraid all at once. Understandably so. I had just inadvertently threatened them all.
That evening, they told her that she was never allowed to interact with me ever again. She called me, we had a fairly heated discussion during which I begged for forgiveness and for her not to leave me, to no avail. I told her I loved her, and hung up.
I don't know why I said such awful things over a text about people who did not deserve it. Yes, I'd hurt someone who hurt my family, but Jill's family never would, they're great people, and I'd never hurt them. I'm not a monster, I think.
I wish I could apologize a thousand times for what I said but, it's inexcusable. I fucked up, and got what I deserved. I miss my best friend. I seriously wronged some really good people. I will never see her again, I'll never know if she and I were really good for each other, and I will probably never forgive myself. I miss my best friend. My heart hurts. But, I guess life goes on.
To whoever reads this, I hope you found it interesting or amusing.
EDIT: I never made an explicit death threat, but depending on who reads the text one could perceive it as a death threat.
kingofsunsettown: Now, it's been some time since I last read Freud, but I think she is unconsciously looking to satisfy her repressed desire for her father's dick while you silently yearn for a mother figure to continue breastfeeding you. You two would never work.
*yearn
Rideron150: Care to elaborate?
kingofsunsettown: [Nope.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_and_hate_(psychoanalytic_concepts)
Rideron150: If I recall correctly, Sigmon Freud has had a better than fair portion of his theories debunked by contemporary psychology
Malamutewhisperer: Are you calling Freud a fraud!?!?!?!
Ride on, rideron.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1407677920 | 1407701857 | t3_2d59e6 | t5_2to41 | 45 | made_you_look88: TIFU by dropping an engine into the bay in front of hot french girls
When I was working in the caribbean (as a deck hand and manual labourer) I loved pretending that I was some kind of bleach blonde haired surfer bum. I used to speed around the bay with a little rib, helping people out, thinking I was the dog's bollocks.
Anyway. I was sitting in the office one day and I saw a 45 foot catamaran full of gorgeous french girls, all in bikinis enter into the bay. They needed to moor their boat, and I immediately jumped at the opportunity to speed out, and offer my services in tying their boat up. I could imagine it now, I knew that I would get talking to them and things would go well. Maybe we could share a beer? Yeah that'd be nice, I daydreamed...
So, I jumped out into the caribbean sun, my plan ready to be instigated.
I casually hopped into my boat, tossed away the mooring rope and navigated my way round the outside of the pontoons. When I was in clear water, with the prospective girlfriends in full view - I opened up the throttle.
And plop! The outboard motor fell straight off the back of my rib and fell into the sea! I was left floating adrift in full view of the girls. I think they thought it was funny, I was so embarrassed.
Another deckhand sauntered past me, laughing his head off.
I put on scuba gear and went off to go diving to find it. I did... eventually.
greywolfau: So was it your fault ? Or had someone been in the boat previously and loosened the mountings ?
made_you_look88: It was rotten from neglect - I replaced the wood after!
greywolfau: Did you at least salvage the situation after ? (fully intentional pun)
made_you_look88: I didn't. It must have taken at least 2 hours just to find the outboard motor. I swam round and round in circles looking for it. The girls at that stage were elsewhere.
I felt guilty giving extra work to the engine guy who worked there too. He had to flush out the motor, he did get it working too - eventually!
| 5 | 9 | |
1407683123 | 1407685364 | t3_2d5fjp | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by helping out a drunk girl.
So during my first year out of high school my friend and I crashed a party that a girl was hosting in the year below us (so she was still at high school). During the party I ended up hooking up with her and things were going pretty well. We were both very drunk by this stage. On the couch we were making out until she said that she needed to go throw up. So she started running to the toilet crashing into a few walls along the way, so naturally being a good bloke I followed her to make sure she wouldn't hurt herself to her destination. As she made it to the bowl I grabbed her hair back to make sure she didn't vomit in her her hair. She had projectile vomited on the entire wall, toilet and toilet bowl. The smell of the vomit was revolting and I couldn't help but feel like I was also going to be sick. Holding her hair back, I vomited all over her neck and head. So I legged it and got the hell out of there. To this day she still doesn't know this happened.
sillygirl420: Well at least you tried man, you have a weak stomach, that's not a crime. It was sweet of you to help anyway, there's not a lot of guys that would even try.
[deleted]: I don't usually have a weak stomach when it comes to drinking or even drinking a lot. Just that smell...absolutely can't stand it. Haha Thanks! I feel a little bad about it but since she doesn't remember I don't think I could bring myself to apologise lol.
sillygirl420: Yeah, I would just leave it be. Lol. It's the thought that counts.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1407680852 | 1407798780 | t3_2d5cpw | t5_2to41 | 132 | 97Chocoholic: TIFU By surprising my boyfriend... and a highschool crush
I'm not one that is known for spontaneously surprising my boyfriend, hut on this day I learnt exactly why I DON'T do it.
A few days ago I decided to surprise my boyfriend by dressing in some new lingerie I'd brought, something I'd never done before. Of course, I'd left my phone at work so I had no knowledge of the surprise that would walk through the door.
As I sat provocatively in our lounge chair, in steps my boyfriend with "You'll never guess who our new manager is..." and in behind him steps his new manager. This manager wasn't just my boyfriend's manager, but was also my crush before I met my boyfriend.
Just to recap: there I sat, in lingerie and not-very-ladylike while my boyfriend and my crush stand in the doorway!
Needless to say, we were all quite she'll shocked for a while, until I excused myself very quickly to get changed. After a quick outfit change, I walked out and everything returned to normality, with the exception of the manager staring at me like I wished he would in highschool.
TL;DR: Decided to surprise my boyfriend with sexy times and surprised my old crush as well
Yourgrandmom: A threesome had been welcome?
jeremy_280: You know who wants a threesome with another guy? A bitch or a homosexual that's it.
FriiKjones: You seem like a very open minded dude.
Keep it up.
jeremy_280: Open minded sure, open minded enough to be in bed with another dude with a female barrier especially if it were my gf/wife HELL NO.
FriiKjones: Bissexual guys are just myths?
jeremy_280: Essentially a man would be bisexual for one or both reasons specified above.
| 7 | 18.857143 | |
1407684780 | 1407685237 | t3_2d5hno | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By pranking at a hotel
Screwed_38: You deserved that
[deleted]: Not like i said I was thinking straight, I was acting out of sheer teenage stupidity...
| 3 | 2 | |
1407676949 | 1407710303 | t3_2d58e1 | t5_2to41 | 44 | Lubeisnotsugarfree: TIFU by assuming there isnt sugar in flavored lube.. NSFW
I have been dating a guy for the last few weeks and we decided it would be best to take things slow. We have finally reached the blow job step, ok awesome! In the past I would say I knew my way around a penis and wasn't concerned one bit.
Little history before we get to the actual fuck up.. a few months back I had something done where I don't handle sugars very well. Just the way my body processes them is a no go. I haven't had any since then so I wasn't sure how incompetent my body was.. another issue from this is excessive dry mouth. I drink over 100 oz of water a day but it still happens, so not an idle environment for a guy.
Last night we were getting freaky and I decide I want to try this new lube I purchased to see if it helps. Put it on, warm it up. Oh my god awesome! Taste is meh, but he is loving it. Closest thing to sex we'll have for a while, but that also means he's finishing this way. Ladies you know what that means... cereal through a straw the next morning. It takes sooooo long! Thing is... I don't feel good. My legs are shaky, my arms too. I ask to change positions and I kneel while he stands. We continue but something happened! I'm sweating, the room is spinning oh dear god I'm about to faint during a blow job!
I had to stop and get up. I stumbled into the bathroom and laid on the floor for a good 10 minutes feeling sick with stomach pain and embarrassment... good thing I didn't power through it like I thought I would. Pretty sure your jaw can lock when you pass out.
So far I haven't heard anything from him today...
Tldr; blowjobs and upset stomachs.
Edit : cellphone problems
twisted_mentality: Ehh... this isn't too bad.
If he doesn't already know, just explain the situation to him. Let him know that if was because of sugar (are you diabetic now?). Perhaps offer him a make-up blowjob?
Lubeisnotsugarfree: No im not diabetic. I just cant process it..its hard to explain. But since we don't have sex and chronic dry mouth is a thing for me...maybe I swallowed too much lube. Can that get you sick?
wOlfLisK: That certainly sounds like a form of diabetes. What's the name of your condition?
weareyourfamily: It can't be diabetes because it wouldn't happen that fast. DKA takes longer to happen than the length of a bj. It COULD have been insulin shock (take insulin but forget to eat) but I assume she would know the difference if she was actually diabetic unless the doctor was a complete moron and didn't explain it.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1407683575 | 1407696525 | t3_2d5g3x | t5_2to41 | 23 | polaris395: TIFU by wearing metal cleats as a referee
TIFU earlier today and I haven't told anyone about it yet until I get more details; but just for you TIFU, here we go.
I'm a soccer referee. I'm 20. Today, I was working in a three-man crew, were I was Assistant Referee #1 (Or the Linesman [guy with the flag, not the whistle], on the side of the field with the coaches). I was working with a highly regarded center referee and who knows on the other side. We had two games, and this was the second one.
This game was U14 Boys (meaning they are mostly 13) and it's in a highly competitive league in my area. It's just a summer league, but the "top" players on each team get invited to ODP (Olympic Development Program) training camps all summer based on their continued performance. What I'm trying to say is the level of play is high, even at this young age. In addition, this is the last game of the season, and whoever wins this game will get 1st place in the league. The loser will actually get 3rd (because of the league tables). It's a big game.
In side news Reddit, I bought new cleats! They are black with metal studs. I got them on sale because they are last year's model but damn they look good. And this being a lower level game (not U18 or adult amateur), I decided that I would break them in during this game because I'll be getting some running in, but I won't have to work too hard. After all, these boys are 13.
Fuck up #1.
The first half of the game goes just fine. I'm really liking these new shoes. The game is pretty good, 2-1, but pretty clearly the team with 2 has more skill and speed. Two things will change in the second half. First, the team with 1 currently will be defending on the same side of the half that I am in. Second, there is now a tripod camera that is recording the game stationed on my side of the field. Unfortunately, this field is fenced in so the sideline is only 6 yards wide. This camera takes up 3-4 yards of it. To run past it, I have to be right next to the touchline (sideline). I should have told them no, but they already recorded the first half and I didn't want to be a dick and tell them they couldn't film there.
Fuck up #2.
So cue the second half and play is INTENSE. These boys are going all out and it's great to see. About 10 minutes in there is a strong play down my side of the field. It's a break away but the defender caught up to the attacker so now they are shoulder to shoulder. I am running about 1-2 yards behind them (so I stay out of their way should they go out of bounds). It's a full-on sprint here, and adrenaline is high. The defender positions himself so that the attacker (with the ball) is right on the edge of the touch line. We're a few yards ahead of that camera on the sideline, so naturally I pinch in next to the field to avoid it. Now, I am within arms reach of these players. Before I knew it, the defender gives a hard knock to the attacker who falls, catches the defender in the process so he falls, and then both of them fall out of bounds into my path. I can't avoid them, so on my next step, I land on not ground, but flesh. My momentum brings in my next foot which also hits flesh. This step follows with a blood curdling scream. I am now off balance and I fall to the ground as well.
There are three people on the ground. Everyone is watching me, actually, and the cameraman, the other players not on the ground, the center referee, even the coaches who are near, ask me if I am okay. I say "Yes", and then I look to the players on the ground. The defender got up, but the attacker is still on the ground... writhing in what I soon learn is pain.
It turns out, I stepped on his back and his face. Have you ever seen World Cup players get cleated somewhere and they have bleeding red dots? Well this kid has that set on his lower back (they ripped through the shirt), and on his face. Medical staff rush over and they get him to move his hands off of his face. Ohfuck.jpg. His face is a bloody mess. His eye is all fucked up, his nose is not straight, and his cheek has a hole in it. Not to mention numerous dots on his forehead.
Fast forward, the ambulance is called, defender is carted away, and somehow the game continues even though there's a half pound of shit in my pants because I just broke a kid's face. Nobody blames me (surprisingly) and shrugs it off. Buuutttt at the end of the game, the kid's coach comes over to me and asks for my insurance. I'm taken aback and I just sort of stare at him and he says that the parents either want my insurance or they're going to sue me for the medical bills. I'm not paying for that; it's not my fault. The center referee steps in and tells the coach to contact the league so that they can handle it. Surprisingly the coach agrees to do that without much more talking. Then I left.
So now here I am, awaiting a call from the league, my assignor (essentially boss), and who knows else because of this incident. To top it off, I have no idea how this kid is doing, but it looked really fucking bad. He might even be blind depending on the damage. Fuck me. And I'm not even old enough to have a beer. Hopefully this kid isn't in the news tonight.
**tl;dr** Boy's face + metal cleats = medical lawsuit + potential blindness
**UPDATE**: Called assignor. He told me not to worry about the lawsuit issue. USSF will back me 100% should it come to that; more likely nothing will happen. No idea on the kid, but he should be able to find out through the grapevine in a few days.
greywolfau: Hopefully the kid comes out of it ok.
However if you are an employee of the league and not a contractor then I'm pretty sure legally you are in the clear. *please not I am not a lawyer by any means, talk to your boss ASAP.*
polaris395: I'm a contractor. USSF covers medical liability up to 1m I think, but my liability might change based on if I "took appropriate safety actions" (see FU #2). If he doesn't call me soon, I'll be calling him.
greywolfau: Just don't go admitting liability to anyone. It might make you feel better to say you are sorry and maybe if you had done something differently that things could be better, but from a legal prospective it's a bad, bad idea.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1407680182 | 1407702058 | t3_2d5bvf | t5_2to41 | 3 | Donnie-mch: TIFU by getting kicked out of my girls hotel
[deleted]: What actually was said or done.
Donnie-mch: Basically I made something that wasn't a big deal into a big deal. Then I felt she over reacted so I tried to leave the hotel and walk to my car. Then came back. Then woke up to today. The day I fucked up
| 3 | 1 | |
1407687183 | 1407712214 | t3_2d5l1i | t5_2to41 | 14 | whyarenoneavailable: TIFU by messing up my Pokemon game
I didn't get to live much of a childhood because my parents wouldn't let me get any video game consoles, but after getting a phone, I realized that I could download some without them knowing. I have an iPhone (sorry internet) so in order to play Pokemon games on my phone, I have to use an emulator. I beat Pokemon Emerald on my phone on the old GBA4iOS, even catching Rayquaza/Groudon/Kyogre/the Regis, but then the emulator stopped working even if I turned back the time (maybe it had to do with GBA4iOS 2.0 coming out or the issue with Nintendo over the emulators).
After downloading GBA4iOS 2.0, I decided to take a shortcut and use cheats. To get back to the place where I was in my old game, I decided to use cheats to get unlimited MasterBalls, warp to the top of the Sky Pillar, catch Rayquaza, and beat every gym with just Rayquaza. My plan was working smoothly until I reached Sootopolis City, where the battle between Groudon and Kyogre was happening. For those of you that don't know, basically, I have to go to the Sky Pillar and arouse (or awaken =.=) Rayquaza, so he can stop the battle. Until then, I can't enter the gym. But, *I* have Rayquaza, because I used cheats...
Now I'm stuck, because if I go to Sky Pillar and come back, nothing happens; I tried releasing Rayquaza and going to Sky Pillar and coming back, but nothing happened... sigh T____T
First world problems.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwvlbJ0h35A
philosoraptor1000: whatever happened to the days where there were only 151 pokemon and the biggest mystery was in regards to that damn truck at the port.
thenordicbat: New Pokemon games happened. I only don't understand why some people are still thinking that the original 151 only count. No it doesn't, that's stupid nostalgia. The new games are better than the original Red/Blue.
philosoraptor1000: I disagree. It didn't take them long to run out of novel ideas. I mean, come on! An ice cream cone pokemon?!
thenordicbat: That's just lazy design. In Red/Blue there was an egg pokemon. That became a palm tree. Also Voltorb, a pokemon that was just a pokeball. And it evolves to a bigger pokeball.
Every gen has it's stupid designs, even the original 151.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1407689493 | 1407809025 | t3_2d5odi | t5_2to41 | 284 | VonFrig: TIFU by flashing my entire apartment complex for 5 minutes straight. [NSFW]
Today (yes, today! less than an hour ago!) I had the workout fever. I went down to my apartment's fitness center, did the elliptical for 45 minutes, lifted for another hour, and started walking home. The weather was cool, drizzling a bit, and I could feel my energy coming back to me. I said fuck it, I'm not done today. That's where the fuck-up starts.
After refilling my water bottle in my apartment, I set out for the parking lot. The idea was to run a lap, putting as much into it as I could. So I started running with broad strides. Now when I run with broad strides, sometimes my junk gets a little loose. I'm used to it. As long as I'm wearing some decent shorts (athletic shorts don't hide shit when I wear them), it looks a whole lot less lewd than it feels.
That's why fifty or so yards in, when I feel friction in my crotch, I don't think much of it. The underwear I wore this morning had a pretty loose, buttonless fly. I probably slipped, I thought. But it can't look as bad as it feels. Then, a few seconds later, I felt wind.
I really should have stopped then. I should have stopped, looked down, fixed my junk, and continue on my way. But I was in a workout frenzy. I'd been exercising for close to two hours now. The blood was in my legs, not my brain.
So I kept going for five minutes straight, feeling small bursts of wind, thinking about what was happening without really registering it. Then I felt the unmistakable scratch of zipper on dick.
Shit.
I look down and found my fly wide open. Not half-zipped, not hidden beneath my shirt. The zipper was all the way down--so far down it was caught in the fabric--and with every stride, it opened wider than your mom's pussy. And it had been open for five minutes straight.
I looked up in horror. A neighbor was laughing from his balcony. I fumbled with the zipper, but it was caught in the fabric and people were emerging from their front doors. Face turning red, I pulled my shirt down over my crotch and bolted for the mail center, where I could pretend to be checking my mail.
Today I fucked up by flashing my entire apartment complex.
TL;DR: Ran with my dick in the wind.
Silound: Dude....strap it!
Seriously, you do NOT want a bad case of torsion because you didn't wear a strap when jogging!
VonFrig: That's a thing?
Silound: Jock straps have been around since...well, a long time.
The point is to raise and support your junk in such a way to prevent injury when engaged in rigorous physical activities, such as sports. Think of it as a man-bra for your junk designed to keep it from flopping, twisting, chafing, or otherwise getting smashed between your thighs.
Every athlete on earth wears one (usually designed to also accept a cup) to prevent injury.
VonFrig: Huh. I've heard of jock straps before but I was under the impression they were primarily for absorbing sweat because of all the jokes that go around about the smell. Thanks for setting me straight.
| 5 | 56.8 | |
1407690261 | 1407695020 | t3_2d5pjk | t5_2to41 | 19 | Joker4479: TIFU by forgetting that children can't be bought on Amazon.
For back story this was at work this morning and my co workers and I were talking about babies. Two of my female coworkers were debating how to best get the color baby they wanted. (Hypothetically) The first one said that she'd need a guy with a color slightly darker to get the shade she was looking for. The second one made a comment that basically equated to banging butts with her family members to get the perfect shade. (Weird, I know)
This is where that little lightbulb shone over my head and gave me the worst possible thing to say. I chimed in: "Well why don't you just buy one on Amazon?"
You every see that Kevin Hart special where he's about to curse out his teacher? Remember when he said "It's about to go down!" Well that's pretty much what the air was like after I said that. She broke down crying. Bad. It was like the sequel to cry me a river. It was cry me an ocean. She ran out the door sobbing and heaving.
That was when I remembered that when she was younger, she was human cargo in child trafficking. Her whole life until around 12 was basically getting bought, sold and abused.
Everyone just looked at me with the most harsh, unforgiving glares. I didn't know what to say so I just awkwardly left the room. All this happened about 3 hours ago and she still hasn't come back. My manager won't talk to me and everyone else just ignores me. All because of fucking Amazon.
Update: My manager called her and put me on the phone. I apologized and she says she'll come back to work tomorrow. Everything seems to be back to normal but now the place is filled with awkward silence.
[deleted]: Well, if you didn't attempt to apologize immediately, but have time to post here, you really are an asshole. Maybe you can get new job at Amazon.
Joker4479: The shock of what happened kinda threw me off and I didn't know what to say. I apologized to everyone after but it might be a while before I see the girl I made cry.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1407689030 | 1407732965 | t3_2d5nnf | t5_2to41 | 37 | TheNordicninja: TIFU by forgetting my towel
So, about 3 weeks ago, i moved in with my friend because me and mom can no longer stand each other (I'm 18 btw). This friend of mine has a great mom, kind, hard worker, and sweet lady.
So today (yes, today. A Tifu that took place today) i was taking a shower, to get ready for the day. After my like 15 minute shower, i squeegee the water off, get out, and notice the lack of drying devices. Now, the towels are right around the corner in a small closet. So i throw on boxers, check to see the coast is clear, it is, and i get out, take a mad dash, and open it. No towels, shit. Now i have to dash to my room and grab a slightly used one, that's fine, like 5 steps to my right. I get in, close the door, and grab a towel and try to wrap it around myself. As i do, the dog that was in my room pulls it down, dragging down my towel and my boxers with it. Then, with timing only found on TIFU and old comedys, my friends mom walks in to see my full naked glory. We stand there for like 10 seconds, and i dash past her and into the bathroom.
Now most of the time one would say here "I'm to embarrassed to look her in the eyes" but i'm not. I'm to embarrassed to be in the room with her, beacuse well...
She looked 3 times in those ten seconds. Not "Oh god he's naked let me close my eyes or look away" But, "Oh he's naked." "Yep, naked" "Ohh.. He is naked." She stared.
Stared.
valetdude: own it. brag about it. make your roommate cringe.
TheNordicninja: Well he doesn't get back from camping for 3 weeks, so.
xxDERPNxx: Bang her, she obviously likes what she saw!
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1407690381 | 1407691332 | t3_2d5pq7 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU skypeing and getting naked doin stuff with some fake white girl,turns out it was 3 isreal kinda guys blackmailing...
DonglePlunger: This happens to all of us, you're not alone. Except for the Israel part, and the extortion part, and the part where you said you had a GF.
[deleted]: lol thats funny lol yeah i thought something was up shouldve listened to my gut but my penis's head was stronger.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407691361 | 1407721878 | t3_2d5r7n | t5_2to41 | 1,298 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching an entire porn video in front of my dad
So I'm in the car driving up to our lake house in Maine with my dad. My brother and my mom are already there. We got a pretty late start and my mom made it pretty clear that she wasn't too happy that we would be arriving late, which put my dad into a bad mood right off the bat. So anyways, the night before, my faptop had run out of battery in the middle of a close encounter with Traci Lords. Being the lazy teenager that I am, I didn't even bother plugging it in and went to bed blue-balled. I woke up the next morning, packed my stuff, and got into the car.
After the first hour of driving, I put on my headphones, plugged them into my phone, and started blasting music like I always do. I then pulled out my laptop (which just happened to be the faptop I spoke of before), plugged it in, and turned it on. Now keep in mind that I was wearing noise-cancelling headphones and playing music as loud as my phone would let me, so I couldn't hear ANYTHING. I log into my computer, and start browsing facebook. A few seconds later I get a weird feeling that my dad is staring at me, so I look up. He wasn't staring, but his face was a nice pasty white. I take off my headphones, intending to ask what was wrong, and then I hear it.
I literally could not have picked a worse video either, the actress was moaning her brains out and screaming the usual "I'm gonna cum" etc etc. And that's just what I heard when the headphones were off. Of course I immediately slammed the computer shut, but we haven't spoken a word yet. This will totally be a great 5 hour car ride.
tl;dr if your laptop dies while watching porn make sure you fucking recharge it and mute it before you open it around other people
EDIT: I'm 15.
EDIT2: Bose QC15 for those wondering.
bakPackRap: Your dad was beating his dick before you were born. He was probably in shock, but no longer cares.
TheRealKingJoffrey: Depends on the parent. You'd be surprised.
[deleted]: It really does. You're fucked if they're religious
superdragonite243: My parents are religious and I can confirm this. Can't tell you how paranoid I am every time I spank the monkey
StewieTheThird: Show them you are a man now and jerk off in the family room around the time they come home. Full on standing up, proud. When your mother and father walk in just stare into their eyes and finish. They will never punish you again.
Knucklefoot: [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/GmVMdZp.gif)
blizzardinaugust: What the hell is that from??
Knucklefoot: The movie "We Need to Talk About Kevin".
blizzardinaugust: Thanks! I may watch it, but now I'm unsure...
Knucklefoot: It's a pretty good mindfuck of a movie. Give it a try, you can always turn it off :)
| 11 | 118 | |
1407692453 | 1407859392 | t3_2d5svo | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by refusing a handy j while driving a Mclaren P1
The other day I was playing Forza 5 downstairs in my man cave, and my wife came down to see what I was doing. She started one of her favorite practices of trying to divert my attention from video games by performing sexual acts on me, as I was in the heat of a moment chasing a rival car around the Nurburgring, and largely ignoring her.
Some info on my racing setup: I use the Thrustmaster (giggity) TX 458 Italia racing wheel for the Xbone (I'm not even trying to make these puns). Ive been putting off getting a racing seat to mount my wheel/pedals on for a while for whatever reason, so I have the wheel mounted to the end of a jank walmart folding table, and just stick the pedals underneath. The folding table is longer than it is wide so I sometimes have to put a weight at the end of it to counterbalance the weight of the mounted wheel. Today I hadn't done that. Call it destiny.
A few moments later, as I closed in on a sub 7 minute lap time, man sausage fully removed from my shorts and extended, as if it were trying to see the TV to see if I could beat the rival time, wife gives up in frustration that I didn't stop playing and jerks the wheel hard right as she leaves, flinging $1.15 million of British Engineering into the wall at 120 mph. Several things happened in the next second- First, I saw my new PR lap time disappear and the rival ghost car fly past me, Second, I threw my hands up in the air and looked at my wife and had the words 'what the hell' halfway out of my mouth, Third, the incredible brushless motors inside the steering wheel sprung to life to give me some awesome force feedback, Fourth, physics broke.
The force feedback on the Thrustmaster TX is absolutely FANTASTIC- but when you arent actually holding the wheel it goes absolutely crazy shaking. When the wheel started shaking, without the weight on the table to counterbalance it, the wheel tipped over into my lap, slamming right into the top of my 'short shifter' if you will. Unpleasant.
TL;DR: Was driving supercar, wife tried to give me a handjob. Didn't respond so she totalled the car and a steering wheel smashed my dick.
edit: said 'wheels' where I meant to say 'pedals'
Felicity_Badporn: 1. You must terrible at FM5
2. Pay attention to your wife
3. Go outside
[deleted]: 1) Yeah, sub 7 minute lap on the ring is terrible youre right
2) See other comments in the same mind as yours below and read my responses
3) Says 'Felicity_Badporn' with 29k karma on reddit *rolls eyes*
Felicity_Badporn: I'm not suggesting a sub 7 minute lap is terrible, i'm suggesting your lack of achieving/achived one is what makes you awful at FM5
[deleted]: Well lucky for both of us then that I beat the ghost time later after spending some time with my wife.
Felicity_Badporn: still a situation that shouldn't have happened in the first place.
[deleted]: Enjoy your super uptight marriage with no personal space. Move along, citizen.
Felicity_Badporn: i'm uptight for putting my spouse before video games? oh the horror
| 8 | 3 | |
1407692774 | 1407768603 | t3_2d5tc7 | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants on a first date
TIFU. So earlier today (Holy SHIT, something that actually happened today in TIFU!) I was out playing football/soccer with my friends and I knew i had to fart. I walked back a few feet from where my friends were and just let out a little fart. Immediately I knew something was wrong because i felt a little splash on my leg. I analyzed the situation and figured out that it was just a little splash of a shart. I bent over and smelled it and it was not terrible smelling and figured i could play it off by just not running and staying away from them.
Fast forward an hour and my friend is driving us back. As we get in the car my friend mentions it smelled bad in there but the ac was cranked so the smell went away. He drove me home and I changed and showered to get ready to meet this girl for a first date. She had already asked to play with my dick so i was very excited as a tennager would be. She was pretty hot i was excited. We went to a local restaurant and were walking to our booth when i felt another fart. I tried to gently let it out but instead i felt a bubbling sensation pop out of my ass. An Avalanche of shit poured out of my ass. I had a moment of panic and ran down the aisle to the bathroom without saying a word. I went to the stall and drop a runny atomic bomb in there. I then was left with a terrible decision of what to do with my shit filled boxers. I decided to take them off and while the bathroom was empty I soaked them in the sink and squeezed them out repeatedly. Once they were "clean" I left the bathroom and went back to the table.
She clearly knew something was wrong and probably didnt want my dick anymore after abandoning her for a good 10 minutes. I thought i could still save the relationship for a second date until I started smelling something funky. I looked down and saw shit that had fallen out of my underwear and stained through my kaki pants. It even left brown marks on my white legs. I then went back to the bathroom and soaked my kakis as well and rubbed soap all over my pants. Keep in mind im getting a rash from my soaking wet boxers chafing my legs. I left the bathroom and apologized to her and ate the meal with a lot of awkwardness and shit in the air. I just texted her and she wants to go to the new Lucy movie with me. Ill update to tell you how it goes.
TL;DR- I accidently shit my pants on a first date with a girl, had poop filled underwear and kakis and somehow saved the situation with minimal chafing and won a second date.
Evandersex: Reminds me of when I went out for a nice romantic weekend in Chicago with a girl I had just started seeing. It was Valentine's day weekend and I was DOG sick. Like puke in the shower while violently puking out of my ass on the toilet. She insisted we went so ofc I went. I mean, poon.
Anyways couldn't eat much, we smushed a bunch woke up to a serious face (ಠ_ಠ) knowing what had just happened. I was naked and I had squirted about 3 oz. of brown paint onto the white satin sheets in the hotel bed. I promptly smeared out of bed, covered the stain back up with the covers while she slept. I showered and in the shower I released the rest of it, got into my boxers and hopped on TOP of the bed, with the shit safely covered under me, kissed her 'good morning' and told her I had a surprise for breakfast so she had to get up and we had to go stat. *Smooth*
[deleted]: Damn you're lucky . how come she didbt smell anything? How did you surprise her?
Evandersex: I guess it was smoothered by the sheets and comforter. I just googled mapped "breakfast place" and took her to the closest one. She was surprised.
[deleted]: Nice. Better hope that the room was cleaned before you returned! ''Honey would you like some dessert with your breakfast?"....
| 5 | 8 | |
1407696615 | 1407705988 | t3_2d5zew | t5_2to41 | 13 | TerraNikata: TIFU by opening without knocking.
So, two days ago I was taking online classes at my local Starbucks. It's quite the tourist trap, and always filled up. There were about 20-25 people in this Starbucks when suddenly this BEAUTIFUL Asian woman comes in. She's got perfect makeup, long black hair, and a beautiful red summer dress. Everyone is looking at her, the Helen of China. She orders a coffee, and lounges around. Eventually, she heads off into the bathrooms.
After having drank a venti and a bottle of water, I gotta piss. Thankfully, there are two unisex bathrooms. But someone entered the first to my left, and before this fat lady could waddle in, I race past her and open the door. That's when I get the view of my life.
Helen of China-her nickname for now- is standing in front of the toilet. The toilet seat is up, and her jiggly bits are hanging out as she pisses. She looks up at me and there is REALLY AWKWARD prolonged eye contact. I then realize that this beautiful woman was once upon a time, a man. I quickly let go of the door and run out towards McDonalds, never looking back.
TL;DR: I forgot to knock and found out a really hot woman was actually a man.
EDIT: A sentence.
Eat_The_Muffin: Unisex bathrooms?
What the shit?
TerraNikata: What the fuck do I call them then?!
Eat_The_Muffin: I was commenting on the fact that why would they do that
TerraNikata: Ah, yea Starbucks is trying to be all hip and gender neutral.
From the times I've been there, it gets dirty fast.
Eat_The_Muffin: We all know that nobody wants to share bathrooms, especially men because then we can laugh at the line of 50 women while we walk into the empty men's.
TerraNikata: A friend of mine, who is a very feminine looking guy, got drunk and decided to go into the womens bathroom at a club once.
He wasn't the same after that.
Eat_The_Muffin: I don't even want to know the horrors he saw in there
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1407698283 | 1407699852 | t3_2d620q | t5_2to41 | 3 | mindscope: TIFU by shaving my balls without a guard on the razor
Oppaganjastyle: Use a trimmer first!
mindscope: That's what I used! Just didn't have a guard on. BIG MISTAKE.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407697264 | 1407709721 | t3_2d60el | t5_2to41 | 14 | supersaiyan420: TIFU by actually liking Nirvana
Last night, actually. I live in a booming metropolis, which is currently experiencing a hip new renaissance of sorts, redefining the young adult culture in many ways. In this city, my group of friends like to go downtown every weekend, getting stupid yet responsibly drunk at bars, all while grinding private parts with unknown females, and hopefully furthering our escapades as the night progresses.
So, there's this rad bar that we always like to end the night at, where they exclusively play 90's rock hits the last hour of the night for all the college kids to drunkenly sing to. These are our stomping grounds, and have been for the past several months. Cue brunette with red lip stick, dancing circles around my starting five on the floor, occasionally breaking eye contact with a sip of her beer. She's easily a 9/10 right now, considering the amount of alcohol in my system and The Offspring's *Self Esteem* playing in the background. Wingman Mike leans in and tugs on my shirt, stating the now obvious "she's so into you bro" with a pat on my shoulder. I step forward on beat, motioning for her to come closer. I grab her by the waist and pull her in so I can hear her over the booming music.
I ask for her name and she asks for mine, small talk is initiated as easily as walking into the bar was. That's when notice it; she's wearing a Nirvana t-shirt (signature smiley face), cut at the tummy and sleeves, falling over her curves like a ghost wearing a sheet. I immediately point it out and excitedly exclaim "NO WAYYYY! I LOVE NIRVANA TOO, IT'S MEANT TO BE!" to which she replies "Haha i know they're awesome, so maybe it is meant to be!"
I guess this is where I fucked up, according to my friends.
"So what's your favorite album?!" I ask, instead of dancing along to our newfound romance. She stops moving, loses the smile, and dully replies "I don't know, they're all great." To which I smugly retort, "So *Nevermind*, right?"
This is when it happened. I've never seen someone look so confused and disgusted at the same time. In my stupid little mind, I thought we were talking Nirvana, especially considering the bar and her t-shirt. In her train of thought, I guess she thought she was being rejected, due to the now unfortunate album title I smugly decided to drop. What happened next was a blur.
I went blind for a few seconds, not realizing what happened until it was too late. She proceeded to throw her drink in my face and storm off, calling me "fucking asshole" and snatching her girlfriend by the wrist in an exodus of the bar.
As I'm wiping an entire beer off of my face I hear a dozen "OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"'s and see dozens of fingers pointing my way. Even the DJ stopped the music with a comforting "Jesus, someone get this guy a drink!"
Luckily my boys came to the rescue shots in hand, asking a million questions to which I was way too confused to answer. In a matter of minutes I consumed more alcohol out of frustration and blacked out, only to awake to Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit B-Side (my favorite) the next morning, by myself.
**TL;DR:** tried to relate to a Nirvana "fan" in hopes of getting to know her, got drink thrown at me, didn't get laid.
[deleted]: I dont understand her reaction. Can someone explain?
RavynRydge: Nevermind it bro.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1407697881 | 1407708591 | t3_2d61ds | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a 90s kid..
1DFanBoi: What does being a 90s kid have to do with a show from the 60s?
BendingRobot: also being born in 96 doesn't make you a 90s kid. you were a 90s toddler.
CrazyKiwiCake: *ashamed* *cries to sleep*
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407700059 | 1407734435 | t3_2d64p4 | t5_2to41 | 48 | NarwhalSquadron: TIFU by getting a speeding ticket exactly one day before my 3 month driving probation ended.
EDIT: I'm a dumbass and put speeding ticket in the title even though it was a stop sign.
I done fucked up.
Around 12:15 AM today, I was just getting back from some night golfing and a dinner at Jim's with friends. I drove back to my house to get some overnight stuff, since we were all gonna crash at his place.
I approach a stop sign on a desolate street and turn right. All of a sudden, cherries and berries are flashing from the bushes and I get pulled over. He said I ran the sign. I told him how I was just going to a friend's down the road, and how I was only a day away from the end of my probationary period from a previous deferred ticket. He said "Take it up with the court." I had driven carefully for 3 months, and I fucked up on the last day possible, which reinstated the previous ticket. So, now my insurance will go up, I have to pay two tickets, and will miss the second day of school because I have to be in court.
I worked all summer to have enough money that I wouldn't need to work during the school year, but now I'll have to take on a job to support myself once I pay these tickets.
Woke up this morning, and my dog chewed through my retainer that was on my nightstand. There's a few more hundred dollars.
My brand new pink shorts had axle grease on them and are now stained to shit. I didn't work with cars or get in any situation that could possibly have had axle grease.
I had cancelled on a date with this smoking hot 9/10 yesterday, and she was very excited for today. I had to cancel yesterday to help my grandmother in an emergency, but today we were gonna go hike and hammock on these beautiful cliffs. Had to cancel today too because of all this mess. She's pissed now and won't text back.
Today I fucked up. I really did.
Eat_The_Muffin: Lesson learned: Drive well all of the time
NarwhalSquadron: Yeah. It was late, I was tired, and I lost focus. Nobody to blame but myself
[deleted]: Good answer, I respect you for that.
I know someone that will only blame other people, never herself, for her mistakes. She's unhappy in life and has been this way for quite a while - not surprising.
NarwhalSquadron: Thank you. I can recognize when I'm at fault, and as much as I'd like to say "I should have got off with a warning," or something like that, ultimately the law is the law. I either broke it or I didn't. I can't blame the officer for doing his job, even if he was kind of harsh.
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1407696702 | 1407785202 | t3_2d5zjc | t5_2to41 | 90 | [deleted]: TIFU By calling my headteacher a prostitute and then watching her break down in tears in front of me.
As most things on this subreddit, this didn't happen today but about 5-6 years ago when I was 14-15.
Anyway, one evening after school I was on Xfire with my friend Ryan (xfire was used way before anything like steam or skype was popular), and we were talking about school and how the headteacher is a complete and utter bitch.
Then Ryan came up with the fool-proof idea that we should send an anonymous email to the school calling her every name under the sun. Now as you can probably guess, this is where the fuck up happened.
I logged onto a fake email account, and typed out a brilliant, well-worded email, that went a little something like this:
TITLE: Congratulations! Your school has been selected to win a £1 Million education grant!
Only joking! That's because (school name) is an absolute fucking shit hole, and the person reading this should quit their job as they'd be better off unemployed.
Also (headteacher name) looks like a disgusting ex-prostitute, and she should go and have hot dirty sex with the super head, as there is obviously a massive amount of sexual tension between them.
P.S Fuck you.
I clicked send, and forgot all about it.
Until the next morning...
I was sitting in computer class when there was a loud knock. The school secretary popped her wrinkly old face around the door. "Can I have canyouanswerme6 please?"
Er ok, it's probably no big deal. I get up and follow her out of the door.
"The head teacher wants to see you"
At this point I'd still completely forgotten about the email so I had no idea what she wanted until I got into her office.
I sit down and ask her what she wants me for.
"We've received an email..."
FUCK. She shows me the email and it has my full name attached to it. Turns out I accidentally used the wrong hotmail account.
"Can you explain this?"
I tried putting the blame on having logged in at someone's house and forgetting to sign out, all that crap.
"Ok, well since this is completely out of character for you, I will take your word as there is no reason for you to behave this way towards me"
I walked out of the office feeling like I dodged a hundred bullets. UNTIL I get called into the office, again.
"Ok, I need you to be completely honest with me because it has gotten to the point where I am going to get the police involved and take this further. Did you send this email?"
Shit. At that point I gave up and just confessed everything.
She stands up, takes off her glasses. Opens her mouth but nothing comes out. her lips start to tremble. She sheds a tear.
"I...I think you better leave."
I quickly get out of the office and return to my classroom, feeling like the worlds worst person.
Fortunately, she couldn't punish me because I sent it outside of school hours, and instead she left it to my parents. They found it hilarious but still punished my by banning me from my PC for a few weeks, and all that.
I wrote a letter of apology, and that was that. I spent the next 2 years of school feeling incredibly awkward around her.
TL;DR: Fucked an alligator
EDIT: Since my inbox is now being filled with people calling me a dick. Let me give you a bit more back story to why the email was written in the first place.
**In the conversation we had on xfire, i was talking to my friend about how my sister was being bullied and the headteacher refused to do anything about it, even after constant letters and emails sent to her by my parents. She simply just ignored the messages and the bullying continued. The email was in a way sent out of frustration. How would she like it if someone said that stuff to her? Yeah, that was 15 year old mentality but there we go. I don't go out of my way to make 50-something year old women cry :D.**
**EDIT 2: Alright there's a couple of replies that are all like "m8 ur parents are well bad at parenting yh". Well, what they found hilarious in the situation was how stupid I was in sending it under my real name. And you know, they weren't the only ones that found it hilarious. OTHER TEACHERS found it hilarious too, since they all hated her. My form tutor once took me to the side and asked me for a full version of the story, after I told him, he started cracking up in laughter right in front of me. Yeah, that's the kind of school I went to. It genuinely was a poorly-run, badly organised shit hole. I wasn't just saying it because I was some up-tight rebelious 15 year old, it genuinely was.**
**Besides, I was punished more than just being banned from the PC. We have this apple tree in our garden, and they made me spend several hours picking all the apples off the tree. If I didn't do it, I wasn't allowed to eat. I also had to write a letter of apology and hand-deliver it to her.**
Edit 3: Removed "Would do it again" because people were getting butthurt.
Soulp4tch: Teachers/headmasters are people too. We have feelings and sometimes we make mistakes. We work our asses off to try to help you become an adult. Sometimes that means being tough on you and a lot of people seem to think this is an excuse to act like complete cunts towards anyone that works in education.
The fact that you still find this funny and would do it again only goes to show how immature you are. Going by your post you are about 20 so it'll take another 5-10 years of grinding away in a real job before you realize how much of a twat you were.
May the only job you ever get be a waiter in a restaurant for kids.
[deleted]: The "would do again" was supposed to come across as sarcastic. However, I respect your opinion about me and I hope you have a pleasant time at all the parties you must get invited to.
pringlepringle: you're a massive cunt and I hope you fail in life
[deleted]: Thanks. I've already failed. Shortly after I was kicked out of the school and now I work as a bin-man. It's a sad existence but it brings money to the table.
All because I made my headteacher cry.
No but seriously read my edit.
devals: No but seriously, you're still kind of a myopic cunt.
The shift in upvotes/downvotes is thanks to groupthink and the general underage-mentality of the reddit crowd, particularly of this subreddit, that upvotes people for calling their own mothers bitches and cunts.
[deleted]: But I didn't call my mother a bitch or a cunt.
devals: *sigh* The sort of people who would upvote someone for that type of behavior are the same who would upvote *your* sorry behavior based on the flimsy excuses in your edit. So consider the source of your support here. You were still terribly in the wrong, moreso than the upvotes/downvotes here would indicate.
| 8 | 11.25 | |
1407702614 | 1407719271 | t3_2d67ki | t5_2to41 | 7 | Justvotingupordown: You should be mature enough to communicate with the person so that it's not painful. "Here, try this."
shitsngiggles55: I did that. She honestly just didn't get it. I showed her with my hand, I told her to be more gentle, I communicated, she just didn't get it
PIRATEghost85: Dude you're only 16? Buy some condoms and live balls deep in this girl... You will regret not doing so later on. ALSO - I have seen many 5's turn into 11's in college. Dont burn any bridges with this one.
shitsngiggles55: lmao I contacted her to say my parents were chill, I don't plan on losing a friend over this
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407702457 | 1407703514 | t3_2d68du | t5_2to41 | 14 | BreezyBumbleBre93: TIFU by shaving my boyfriend's head
So this happened about 20 minutes ago.
My boyfriend asked me to shave his head down to the good ol' number 2 as we have a few weddings coming up, which one of my favourite things to do for him. So I started to shave but we both noticed that if needed to be oiled, so I took off the cover and oiled the blade. It was ready to go so I started shaving again. After shaving a two inch strip off I realized that I hadn't put the guard on after oiling it, I literally fell to the floor screaming "I'm sorry!" over and over again while my SO asked what I had done. Now my boyfriend has to have a strip of hair pretty much missing for my brother's wedding which is happening on Thursday, where he will meet a lot of my extended family.
Luckily enough I have an awesome SO who just laughed it off instead of getting mad!
TL;DR: I was shaving my SO's head when I forgot to put the guard on and shaved a strip off the back of his head a few days before my brothers wedding. He laughed, and I wanted to puke.
Edit: wording
Betafire: So why not just take it all off instead of having a two inch strip missing?
BreezyBumbleBre93: We're going to see if it grows in at all by Wednesday.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1407702265 | 1407703746 | t3_2d6823 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my dad think i'm gay
TIFU by making my dad think i'm gay. While I was riding home in the car with my dad we stopped to look at a potential new car for me. It was a GMC Yukon, a big car. After we were done looking at the car we left and my dad cracked a joke along the lines of "you can fit a lot of girls in the backseat of that car" *nudge* *nudge*. I didn't want the car so I went to reply, What I meant to say was "I don't like the girls here", what I actually said was "I don't like girls" and then in a panic I added "here" "I don't like girls HERE"
**tl;dr** : I told my dad "I don't like girls", instead of "I don't like the girls here".
plasma1147: The only solution here is to get busted with 3 hookers (by your dad) If that doesn't work, nothing will
hitlers_one_nut: also do penis checks beforehand
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1407704697 | 1407765982 | t3_2d6bwg | t5_2to41 | 158 | XxiycmanxX: TIFU by having Sex with gf while her mom was home
This is my first reddit post so go easy on me, and I've changed a few details of the story to keep from revealing myself.My gf (Katie) and I both are 17 and have been having sex like crazy all the time. We are both teenagers with raging hormones so we have had sex anywhere anytime. So for these past two months I have been sneaking into Katie's house and fucking the shit out of her in her room. What our usual routine is I get in her room, we fuck like animals, she grabs us something to eat from her kitchen, we eat, we fuck, watch some TV while I recover from busting and this cycle continues all night. So I've been doing this as I said for about two months while her mom is home. Her mom usually is in the basement (Katie's room is on the ground floor) watching TV when I sneak in and the whole time we fuck, Katie's mom is in the basement (Katie's mom is a stay at home mom) .. However today her mom chose to stay upstairs and do some laundry. Katie being horny af told me to sneak into her room anyway through the window of her parents room and tiptoe into her room. I also being horny af am like fuck it let's do it. So once I enter Katie's room we commence fucking and once we the deed is done we are both hungry as hell. After we eat some food. We hear her mom open the door asking to get the cordless house phone which God knows why was in Katie's room . She immediately yells at her mom that she is changing and slams the door shut , as I begin to hide under her bed. Her mom gets suspicious obviously and demands to enter the room. Once I'm safely under the bed Katie let's her mom in the room. From the look of the bed and Katie's hair she scavengers the room for a boy. She wants to check under the bed however Katie yells no and wrestles her mother while screaming no. Meanwhile I'm under the bed and am shitting myself. So I made a clutch decision and got out of under her bed grabbed my phone and wallet. And proceeded to jump out the bathroom sized window In Katie's bedroom wearing nothing but my boxers while Katie held her mom. As I struggled out the small window I landed awkwardly on my hands and injured my back. I ran as fast as I could as far as I could from Katie's house.
Update 1: Katie's younger sister (13yr old) just texted me saying everything at their house is really bad. Their parents took away Katie's phone, the wifi in their house, in addition to that Katie has to sleep in the living room every night . Katie can't even go outside further than their front porch. Basically I won't hear from Katie until school starts up again because her mom has basically made Katie a prisoner. And even then I doubt her parents will ever let her step foot outside of their house for anything other than school. So basically I have ruined her life, and I feel like shit.
Eat_The_Muffin: Why not have a threesome?
XxiycmanxX: Maybe next time so her dad can walk in
Eat_The_Muffin: 4some
Rhoderzz: Don't forget Grandma!
Eat_The_Muffin: 5some
Dropboy6: You're forgetting grandpa!
Nutella_Bacon: He's dead.
Wait, why is that an issue? Invite him too!
lawlcrackers: ಠ_ಠ
GoorillaInTheRing: http://i.imgur.com/uIoHcQH.gif
| 10 | 15.8 | |
1407705127 | 1407715785 | t3_2d6ckw | t5_2to41 | 58 | throwawayfryesterday: TIFU by feeding my boyfriend's cum to my friends and family (nsfw)
Throwaway as I don't know who is on reddit.
Three nights ago, my bf and I came home drunk from a party and started fooling around. We're a fairly kinky couple, and he particularly likes putting me in predicament situations where I must make a choice. Usually there will be an undesirable consequence in store, no matter which choice I make. On this night my bf knew I was feeling a bit hungry from the party, so after a bit of foreplay he disappeared and came back with a salad he'd thrown together and some ranch dressing. He set this all on a shelf and seemed to forget about it as we started to have sex. We went for a bit, but when he got close he pulled, ran over to the shelf, and finished into the bottle of dressing. I, very surprised, was then presented with his ultimatum: I could choose between being tied up for half an hour while he caned me, followed by a plain salad, or I could simply eat the salad with his "special" dressing on top.
Now I love ranch dressing, and my boyfriend knows this. I think he assumed that I would opt out of the half hour of bondage and he would get to ruin something that I love. However, I am very stubborn, and he was wrong. So intent was I on not ruining one of my favorite flavors, I went for the half hour session. The night ended soon after in drunken exhaustion.
(You probably see where this is going.)
Cut to yesterday. I like to throw dinner parties and invited some of my friends over for a fun Sunday evening. I had also invited my mother. I made a simple pasta dish with chicken and had prepped a salad as well. On the table I placed a bottle of ranch dressing. The only bottle of ranch dressing in the fridge. I had not connected any dots. We were about halfway through dinner when my boyfriend arrived home from work, greeted everyone and pulled up a spot at the table. A few minutes I received the a text.
"Ranch?"
Horrifyingly, the events of two nights prior suddenly came rushing back to me, illuminating the terrible reality of the situation. He sat quietly and ate no salad. No one noticed anything wrong with the meal- I hadn't even tasted anything wrong myself, though I did not eat any more. I didn't know how to remove the bottle without drawing any questions, so I simply sat and waited for the first available opportunity to start cleaning up.
The evening ended and I immediately threw the the bottle away. My boyfriend and I shared a very embarrassed laugh over the situation and he confessed he had been intending to to keep it around for later use. He was hoping to trick me into consuming it later. Boy did I ever fall for that one.
TL;DR: my boyfriend came in a bottle of ranch dressing and I served it at a dinner party.
PM_ME_YOUR_TOE_PICS: Totally don't believe you.
SqueezyCheez85: Every r/tifu should be cross posted with r/thathappened
redditlinkfixerbot: /r/tifu
/r/thathappened
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| 4 | 14.5 | |
1407704599 | 1407808300 | t3_2d6bqn | t5_2to41 | 591 | Chukklzz: TIFU by doing the dishes while drunk
So a friend of mine invited me and a bunch of other people to a weekend of non-stop drinking at his lake house up in New Hampshire. We get there at around 11 am and immediately start chugging. In his basement is basically the Beer Olympics involving beer pong, flip cup, slap cup, kings cup, "insertgamenamehere" cup. Around 6 we're all starving and attempt to cook dinner with like 18 boxes of pasta and a shit ton of tomato sauce lying around. By the end of it the kitchen looks like a murder scene and everyone has passed out, except me.
To thank my friend for inviting me up I decide it'd be a good idea to surprise him in the morning with the dishes all done. I put my game face on and try as hard as possible to focus on the task at hand, scrubbing, rinsing, and then placing the dishes in the dishwasher. After about 32 seconds I'm like "fuck this shit" and decide to just load up the dish washer. Dishes now in place I squirt the soap in there like it's a damn fire hose and run the dishwasher. I sit down on the floor waiting to eventually take the dishes out but of course I pass out immediately. About a half hour later I wake up (kitchen lights still on) and all I see is white. I rub my eyes to get a clearer picture and find myself trapped in an igloo made of motherfucking soap bubbles. I escape to find that the living room has also been affected with my inebriated friends also covered in blankets of bubbles. As it turns out I used the wrong kind of soap.
TL;DR Bubbles, so many bubbles.
GuardstheGrey: OH SHIT! Hahaha! I knew what was going to happen as soon as you said, "squirt the soap."
determinedforce: That's similar to the same phrase I use when I'm about to bust and unless it's inside the lady, it fills the kitchen and living room just like the post. That's why when women say cum on face...not a good idea.
MonsterPartyX: Woosh
rct3fan24: Many happy cakes to you on this fine day!
cossackssontaras: Many sad cakes to you on this fine day!
rct3fan24: I was wishing /u/MonsterPartyX a happy cake day. Now it's not his cake day and nobody knows what I'm talking about. :c
| 7 | 84.428571 | |
1407705689 | 1407760132 | t3_2d6dhl | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally having an orgasm all over myself.
I should preface this story by saying that when I have an orgasm, I come buckets. Like too much really. According to my girlfriend I come more than anyone shes ever been with or anyone any of her friends have been with. So...
It was a lovely morning. Woke up around eleven, had some breakfast and was sitting on the couch with my lovely lady discussing what we could do with our day. As its known to have happened things start happening and before I know it my girlfriend is giving me oral sex.
Feels awesome things are going great and I start to get really close. She stops sucking but keeps things going with her hands. I say very clearly "I'm almost there. If you keep doing that with your hands I'm going to finish." She says nothing just keeps going and looks at me. So I start to feel it coming on and I assume she is going to start blowing me again like she had done a few times before, swallowing and by extension making clean up easy. Instead she quietly says "Its gonna be messy...." Seconds before I actually start cumming.
A few moments later not only is she covered in semen but so is my entire shirt. I somehow matrix'd that shit and avoided catching any in the face but my stuff is literally every where. She gets up immediately and starts laughing. She comes back with a wet cloth, still laughing.
Any way, The fuck up was me getting pissed off because she was laughing and I was covered in my own cum. She got really upset and of course I immediately felt like an asshole but of all the things to do when I announce I am about to have an orgasm pointing my dick right at me is the last thing on the list. Apparently she almost gagged and puked every where the last time she swallowed because as I mentioned, I produce a lot when I orgasm, and so she didn't want to tempt fate and end up puking on me.
After I cleaned up we talked it out and all is well now but I think I may have traumatized her when it comes to oral sex.
Sky42: Can we make a new subreddit, r/TIFUwithoutcum, plz?
redditlinkfixerbot: /r/TIFUwithoutcum
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TehKlien: Overly enthusiastic bot.
rjchau: It apparently needs a firmware upgrade to tone down the quantity of it's output...
TehKlien: This response fits in very well with this post as a whole.
rjchau: Nice to see *someone* got it after being downvoted quite a bit...
| 7 | 9.857143 | |
1407707004 | 1407764793 | t3_2d6fit | t5_2to41 | 1,350 | [deleted]: TIFU by having Taco Bell with my Girlfriend.
First I want to start off by saying "Fuck you Taco Bell!"
Now we can get to the story.
So this happened last night as I was sitting at home with my Girlfriend of a year. A comercial for Taco Bells new cheesy burrito thing came on. My girlfriend has some serious munchies because she wanted to go get one really badly. Being an amazing boyfriend I surprise her by taking her there later that night. We go and pick up 3 of them and started heading back to my place. Then I get the romantic idea to take her to the local lake to look at the stars while we eat. Everything was going amazing, it was nice and cool outside, the stars were out and bright. Then she asks for some hot sauce to go with her burrito. As I'm grabbing for it I realize that this was the same exact place we met about a year ago at a college party. I give her the packet and then reach for one for me. The next thing I hear is a lound scream and then "Yes, yes. Oh god yes." I turn around to see her in tears and smiling at me. I'm fucking confused as hell at this point. Then she says "Of course I will marry you!"
Ends up I had given her [this]( http://imgur.com/on3S4ch) hot sauce packet. She had never seen one that said this before, so she thought I had gotten them to write it on there for her. It was a very awkward rest of the night....
quadsbaby: Yo quiero wedding bell
[deleted]: Lo mismo hizo ella
quadsbaby: eso es obvio ;) good luck!
[deleted]: Gracias
Wambulance_Driver: Damn it, my Reddit is stuck on Spanish.
Lurifaks_: ¿Qué?
[deleted]: ¿Queso?
langstondog: Cheese?
EarlMyNameIs: Omelette du fromage?
xFSUxBatman: Dexter.
EarlMyNameIs: Omelette du fromage!!
xFSUxBatman: THATS ALL YOU CAN SAY, THATS ALL YOU CAN SAY, THATS ALL YOU CAN SAY!
EarlMyNameIs: Omelette du fromage?? Omelette. du! FROMAGE!!!
| 14 | 96.428571 | |
1407700369 | 1407721400 | t3_2d656n | t5_2to41 | 6 | LionheartCA: TIFU by feeding my fish my iPhone.
This fine Sunday morning, after sleeping in more then I should have, I groggily got out of bed and moped over to my tall dresser to turn off my phone alarm. Using only one hand, I proceeded to unplug my iPhone 5 from the charger. This caused my phone to slide across the slick dresser, plummeting my phone into my 10 gallon fish tank. Although I retrieved my phone with in .4 seconds of it entering the tank, it still seems to now have ruined speakers, and a VERY fuzzy screen. I have to say, although I was fairly pissed, I had to laugh at myself over how dumb this was!
Kellerman90: Put it in a bag of rice dude, it'll absorb the moisture
LionheartCA: Thanks for the pointer. I have gotten a previous phone wet before a few years ago, and rice solved the problem then; I'm praying that it does this time as well!
| 3 | 2 | |
1407706263 | 1407735211 | t3_2d6ee2 | t5_2to41 | 18 | DasSchnoplich: TIFU by making a nazi joke in front of my family
So this all started last night (as with most TIFU's) and my parents and grandparents were over at my house. I went to go to the bathroom and when I came back there were arguments about the best way to eat chicken for whatever reason then this happened
Father: what about you DasSchnoplich? What is your favourite way to eat chicken?
Me: umm, what? (I had just walked in on this)
Grandfather: do you like it fried or roasted or...?
Me: I just eat chicken the way it is...
Father: most of us like it roasted but your mother likes it crumbed like schnitzel and your grandfather likes it fried.
Me: I guess roasted but you could always do a hitler and roast some Jews instead.
From that point on everyone stared at me wide eyed and mouths agape as I just walked out backwards went to my room and let my girlfriend show them out. I'm not racist but somehow that slipped and I think everyone hates me.
[deleted]: Honesty that's not even funny, just the kind of behavior that's so desperately inflammatory in order to get a rise out of even the most comatose patient. I can say with confidence that you sincerely have no idea what you're talking about, and I already regret dignifying this post by responding to it, and lowering myself to your level of discourse.
Fahrowshus: by saying, 'I take offense to that.' you are saying, 'I cannot control my emotions, so you should do it for me.
[deleted]: Right, human emotions are so childish to begin with. The family members of fallen U.S. soldiers who have their loved ones' funerals picketed by the Westboro Baptist Church should learn how to take a joke, people who are verbally abused by their spouses are just too excitable, and victims of racial slander usage are probably just being overly sensitive. What you just said is profoundly ignorant.
Fahrowshus: I happen to have been a victim of child abuse, neglect, harassment in school, and a number of other unhappy things. I choose not to play the victim card. I am an adult, and I act like it. I take responsibility for my own actions, even though sometimes they are stupid. I do not allow others to control the way I feel.
If someone says a joke that is racist, or sexist, or whatever, I take it at face value. it is a joke, intended for comedic value. it is not an attack on the (insert stereotype). if someone says that my mom is fat, or I should burn in hell for being Atheist, why would I allow that to take control of my feelings? they don't know my mother. they don't know why I make my choices.
if you have a problem controling your emotions, I recommend growing up, and living in the real world.
[deleted]: Essentially, you're saying that coping with harassment, slander, and verbal assault is "living in the real world". You're perspective is fundamentally skewed, all of those things are illegal, and punishable by serious offenses.
I am sure that you do not speak on behalf of all victims, and you certainly do not represent their mindset whatsoever. Congratulations for being so high functioning, but it would be unbelievably ignorant of you to pretend that most victims of verbal assault can or should be able to reach the same level of complacency as you. I don't think you could ever fully support a claim that because you are emotionally indifferent, people who have been abused should all be able to handle heinous, and apathetic jokes which tug at a very scarring reality. Once again, redditors making half-assed and absurd arguments supported with nothing but self-righteousness.
Fahrowshus: is your response every time someone around you says a racist joke, 'I'm taking you to court for that!'? no. (I hope not, at least.) I'm not trying to represent their current mindset. I'm saying, don't let other people control how you feel, be an adult. I never said it was easy, I never said it's possible for everybody to do. I simply gave a very basic quote, that you somehow deem as my entire argument for 'emotionally indifferent'. which, it isn't even about that.
[deleted]: I think this is going no where, so i'm done here. You essentially defeated your own argument by acknowledging that it's too challenging or impossible for many people to simple ignore hate speech directed towards them.
Also, simply stating over and over again the naive truisms, "be above it", "be an adult", "don't let other people control you", does not make what you are saying true, nor does it reflect most victims' realities. Why should someone who is being harassed have to ignore vile comments, why should they even attempt to erase their anxieties and "be an adult". What you are endorsing is ignoring hate speech, and pretending that it doesn't exist. There is a reason our government does not ignore hate speech, hoping it will just go away on its own. You on the other hand, must be using this argument as a coping mechanism in order to be able to deal with the trauma you suffered that you mentioned earlier. You need this argument to be valid so you can put your trauma behind you, and be above it. I recognize that, and that is okay, but please do not share your brand of justice with the rest of the world. What works for you cannot work for society as a whole, as while one individual might be able to work through their personal trauma, most people cannot, and society will be worse off if we start to legitimize verbal assault by ignoring it and stating the same truisms that you turn to for comfort. I wish you the best continuing to process your trauma, and it appears that you have made great progress, but I can't participate in this debate any more if you've simply fell prey to unhelpful, ineffective genericisms that don't actually work to combat the ignorant culture which produces this kind of speech in the first place.
Fahrowshus: You're on a whole different level. you're living in the here, and now. the world that is full of hate, and discrimination. I am saying we need to work towards a stronger personality. being able to overcome these petty things. I never said these don't exist, I never said it was easy. I am not saying someone should have to be above it, you keep putting these words in my mouth. I'm saying you should make the decision to be above it, and not let it effect you. You obviously don't understand what's being said here, if you think I'm endorsing ignorant hate speech. again, nowhere did I say anything about 'everyone! go out and be ass-holes to everyone else!' I re-read everything I wrote, just to be sure. It doesn't make a lick of sense to allow yourself to be emotionally controlled by the actions, or deeds of others. You, and ONLY you can control what you feel, regardless. if you decide to be angry because someone says you're _____, that's YOUR decision. if you decide to laugh it off, and continue on your merry way, that's YOUR decision. they didn't insert a computer-program to force you to be angry. there is no reason people can't be taught this from day 1, and it would make the world a much better, and open-minded place.
| 9 | 2 | |
1407707491 | 1407722623 | t3_2d6gaz | t5_2to41 | 190 | Bidiggity: TIFU by calling a baby a communist
You could say that this fuck up started about a year ago when I got a job as a cashier at one of the big box stores in my town. It's one of those stores that sells a lot of stuff that little kids want but their parents won't buy it for them(that isn't necessarily a bad thing IMO). Typically parents aren't in the best mood when they come to register so I try to crack a joke or two to make them a little less irate. One of my go to lines is pretending to have a pretty intellectual conversation with a baby when they make one of their baby noises. Typically something like "That's a very strong opinion you have there" or "Wow, I didn't know you felt that way". I was watching a documentary about World War Two before I came in to work that day. I get the opportunity to say this little joke to a family that looks like they would take it well. My mistake was that I said, "No, I don't think that Stalin did a good job rebuilding Russia after WWII" I was expecting a chuckle from the dad and maybe a smile from the mom. What I got instead was a bit of a shock.
"What did you just say?" said the dad, "Did you just imply my child was a communist?"
The mother looked equally upset. I apologized and finished ringing them up, then handed them their receipt. They left and I rang up the next few guests not thinking much of it.
About an hour later my boss comes over to me. I assume she wants me to take my break, but then I see that she's holding a small piece of paper. One of the comment cards none the less. She hands it to me and asks me what happened. I told her that it was just a joke and that I was just trying to be friendly. I think she understood but it's going to go in my file anyway. I think I'm ok but I won't know for sure until the next time I go in on thursday.
TL;DR I called a baby a communist, might get fired from my crappy cashier job.
ihavebigtanks: It sounds like the parents are the ones who fucked up here, by being just all around shitty people with absolutely no sense of humor. Thats messed up.
mhende: I was waiting for them to be immigrants who suffered under some communist state or something.
Also, I have a sense of humor but that's the sort of eye rolling joke I would have to force myself to chuckle at to be polite. Not offensive, just kind of cringey.
ihavebigtanks: Yea I mean it's not particularly funny, certainly not offensive in any way though
| 4 | 47.5 | |
1407713834 | 1407784097 | t3_2d6pvb | t5_2to41 | 13 | ItWasRyan: TIFU by not paying attention in driver's school
So here's what's going on: Me and my best friend just left the local gun store because he's on the market for a handgun. He just moved into a new apartment in Oklahoma City and wants a way of defending his home. Anyway, we had just pulled out of the parking lot of this store and we were heading down this road. (It should be noted that I hadn't been in that area before so I was unfamiliar with the streets) About a minute goes by, we're talking, he rolls down his window to smoke a cigarette, everything's pretty normal. Suddenly I have to slam on my brakes because some idiot in a truck was driving towards me on my side of the road. I brought my car to a stop, as did the truck, and truck-dude begins honking and flashing his lights at me. Then I see his passenger side window go down and a hand began violently waving at me, as if to say "Get the fuck out of the way." At this point our cars were face-to-face and about five feet from each other
"What's this fucking idiot doing!?" I yelled, at the same moment I could also hear truck-guy yelling since my window was down. Me and my friend were both extremely confused.
I then put my car in reverse and started backing up so that we had room to get around each other and when I looked behind me I came to horrendous conclusion, at the same moment as my passenger.
"Dude you're driving down the wrong side of the fucking road!" I heard my friend scream. I looked in front of me and saw dozens of cars begin to stop and congest two lanes as their drivers stared at me in bewilderment.
It was true. I had been driving on the wrong side of a divided highway, into oncoming traffic doing 60mph for at least half a mile. At this point I slammed my car into drive, began screaming like a distressed koala and floored it into a wendy's parking lot that was thankfully only about 15 feet away.
When I brought my car to a halt (behind wendy's, so that no one on the road could see me) I cupped my hands over my face and rested my head against the steering wheel. To my right I could hear the occasional "Dumbass" and "You're so stupid" In between bursts of laughter from my friend.
"We never speak of this" I told him as I put my car into gear and drove off.
tl;dr- I drove into oncoming traffic and nearly caused a massive pile up because I was too into a conversation with my friend.
C477um04: "We never speak of this." Posts on reddit.
Rek3030: anonymity of the internet, allows for stupid shit to be published world wide in total comfort.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407705253 | 1407721919 | t3_2d6csl | t5_2to41 | 16 | VictorianMeltdown: TIFU by stabbing myself in the hand
It actually doesn't hurt as much as you think. I'd say it's about a 3 out of 10.
It all started with a curling iron. We're on a boat and the only scissors we had were ones sharp enough to cut meat. Like a moron, I tried to get the new curling iron out of the package by sliding a sharp scissor blade along the edge of the package.
Well, my hand slipped.
The doctor told me the wound was 3cm (a little over an inch) deep-at an angle. The wound is more similar to one from a knife than scissors. It went in that patch of skin connecting the thumb to the rest of the hand. It was on my left hand, and I'm a lefty. (But pretty ambidextrous-I can write [horribly but legibly] and eat righty so I'm okay).
My first thought was "shit I fucked up". I tried to stop the bleeding on my own for a stupidly long time before I realized that I needed to see a doctor. Okay, my parents had to help convince me that leaving stab wounds unattended to was a really idiotic idea. I'm 20 and in nursing school. (I just felt badly because I didn't want to ruin our vacation, which was silly of me. It didn't, and my family has always said that health comes first). If anyone else had done the same thing, I would've demanded that they see a doctor. But not with me. I tried to put it together with band-aids. I'm very stupid when it comes to my own health.
We rowed ashore and got to a walk-in urgent care clinic. They were great! I'm a nursing student so I was interested in seeing how they cleaned and sutured it. The doctor (after making sure I wouldn't hit the deck) was even able to show me the muscle and fat in the wound. Before they stitched it, it bled through multiple paper towels and 4 sheets of gauze. My blood pressure was actually a couple points lower than usual. I really did a good job XD
My hand is more or less out of commission for 10 days, (it's in a cast-like bandage) but the only longterm effect will be a 2cm scar, which is nothing. It went deep, but I missed all the major muscles and tendons, so I'm lucky.
So yeah, I fucked up today by stabbing myself in the hand deeply enough to be able to see fat and muscle and then trying to solve the problem myself.
Ormagan: Do you mean in the area between the bones that are the thumb and forefinger it the "webbing" that connects them, because I'd heard that the "webbing" is really just a flap of skin with nothing in it.
VictorianMeltdown: I mean the fleshy part between the thumb and forefinger :-) it stabbed in through there and into the beginning of the palm internally.
Ormagan: Ok, so more towards where the bones "fork" I guess is the word, not the part at the base if the fingers themselves.
VictorianMeltdown: Yeah :-)
Ormagan: Then yeah, ouch.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1407714952 | 1407738336 | t3_2d6rkb | t5_2to41 | 3,972 | cross-eyed_drunk: TIFU by giving my girlfriend a gorilla mask
I've been cutting my own hair since the eighth grade. I like to keep it pretty short, so rather than spending $15 every month for what is essentially a buzz cut, I bought a pair of clippers and have been doing it myself ever since. While this is wildly convenient (and has probably saved me a couple thousand dollars over the last 12+ years), it's generally a pain to clean up.
To combat this, I've developed a system where I stand / kneel over the thick plastic hair-cutting bib that came with the clippers (the little cape they put on you at the salon), letting the hair fall and gather on that, and carefully emptying it into the trash when I'm done.
Which brings us to yesterday. I had a ceremony to attend and wanted to look fresh – and due to a recent move, I didn't have access to my normal bib hair-catch system. So I laid a towel on the ground to catch all the hair, fired up the clippers, and went about my business.
As I finished my haircut, I decided to trim my beard as well.
*Gotta look nice and groomed for the night! And, hey, my chest hair is looking a little out of control too, let's give that a trim. And while I'm at it, let's just do the whole deal!*
I grabbed my pube trimmer (I have a separate pube trimmer, I'm not an animal) and do a real nice, thorough manscape. Shaft, balls, gooch, ass, inner thighs, back. By the end I'm feeling 5 pounds lighter. The mass of body hair that has accumulated on the towel resembles a slumbering poodle.
At this point I realize I'm a bit behind schedule, so I quickly fold the towel up, taking care not to leave any openings for the hair to spill out, put the hair-towel in the cupboard beneath the sink, and hop in the shower.
Fast forward to this morning, when I'm awoken by the ungodly shrieks of my girlfriend in the bathroom. I jolt out of bed and open the door, revealing my lovely girlfriend, looking like the little monkey boy from Jumanji. **She used the hair-towel.** My nasty body hair clippings are clinging to her wet skin, from her forehead to her knees. My pubes affixed themselves to her quivering lips, my ass hair congregating on her tits. She screams "WHAT THE FUCK" and all I can do is laugh. She's spitting hairs out of her mouth and turns the water back on to try and rinse the hair off, but its those stubborn, coarse hairs that only seem to stay put in the shower. She has to be at work in 30 minutes and still looks like Hermione after the polyjuice potion.
TL;DR: I'll never forget the look of horror, disgust, and desperation on her cute little gorilla face.
kBeeN377: [meeeeeeeeow!](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IZB0leWC1_A/UIkasvtH06I/AAAAAAAAClI/od02Wek7C-0/s1600/hermione_cat_tf_by_dastanprince-d37s2wr.png)
SBuRRkE: I would still fuck Hermione as a cat lady.
tacomalvado: Dude, she was like 13 in that picture.
SBuRRkE: I was about 6-7 at around that time I doubt theres still much of an age difference. I wonder what the legal age in the world of magic and non muggles is?
InflamedMeatus: You were in that picture?
SBuRRkE: I never said I was, I said I was around 6-7 at that time. Meaning at the time the movie came out.
InflamedMeatus: Don't lie to me, you edited your comment.
SBuRRkE: I'm not lying and I did edit it but only to correct spelling mistakes. Or to add and "I" here or a "and" there.
InflamedMeatus: I think I'm having a stroke. I could've sworn the comment I replied to just said "So was I."
SBuRRkE: I believe you are mistaken, and If that is the truth then I apologize I prolly wasn't thinking too clearly for a moment. I don't remember it ever being that way at all, why would I say I was there anyway.
InflamedMeatus: I have no idea. I'm gonna go with the stroke thing.
SBuRRkE: Ok good luck with dying :)
InflamedMeatus: :^)
| 14 | 283.714286 | |
1407709385 | 1407782508 | t3_2d6j58 | t5_2to41 | 86 | ToothFairyConundrums: TIFU by buying a blue toothbrush.
I travel often, such that I don't want to bring my expensive $40 electric tooth brush with me when I'm only staying 2 nights with my SO. They live in another state so I'll come for weekends, they'll come visit too, etc. So a 2 night stay? I bought one of those [old fashioned tooth brushes](http://www.deltadentaliablog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/10.22-Get-to-Know-Your-Toothbrush.jpg) that look like this. Nothing happens, I use my oldie toothbrush for several days until, the morning I leave, I sense something is off. I asked my SO why my toothbrush tastes bad and why I feel I have a sore throat coming on. She asks which is my toothbrush and when I show her my oldie brush, to which she denied that was my brush, saying that she uses THAT brush to clean the grout around the toilet. She apparently uses the same exact old type of brush to clean the grout on her tiled floor. Here comes strep throat for me.
TLDR: I licked the floor of the toilet. For several days.
thurg:
Staying 2 nights with your SO. "They"?
How many SO's do you have?
morallygreypirate: They can also be used for a single person for situations where the person's gender is unknown, irrelevant, or is the person's preferred pronouns.
Most people, in my personal experience, tend to use it for the first two reasons since the last is super-specific and isn't run into often unless you hang out with a bunch of non-binary people or otherwise know someone who is non-binary.
sirin3: Or when you meet the royalty
morallygreypirate: True. Forgot about the Royal We. Thanks!
thurg: mm. that's some new shit that's just come to light.
morallygreypirate: Not really. I knew that royalty used it, but I'm American so I never use it. lol
You easily forget about it when you have no royalty.
thurg: that was a the big lebowski reference man
morallygreypirate: Ah.... Alas, I have not seen The Big Lebowski so the reference went right over my head. Sorry. D:
| 9 | 9.555556 | |
1407715207 | 1407717613 | t3_2d6ryv | t5_2to41 | 15 | TIFUjerkin: TIFU by jerking it so hard at work, I shat diarrhea everywhere, slipped in said diarrhea, and knocked myself out on the toilet.
guitarandcheese: holy mother of god. I dont think there s anything you could possibly do ever in your entire life that can even repair a fragment of your dignity. Not to lower your self esteem or anything.
donut_mind_if_i_do: Oxi-clean gets the tough stains out!
guitarandcheese: yeah maybe if you drink enough
Edit: i do not endorse suicide
donut_mind_if_i_do: "~~Oxi-Clean~~ *Cocaine* gets the 'life' stains out" - Billy Mays
(I also do not endorse suicide)
| 5 | 3 | |
1407717799 | 1407720193 | t3_2d6vss | t5_2to41 | 12 | Thunderkick72: TIFU by ripping a big one.
So, I will admit, on the scale of the kind of stuff I've seen on here, this really isn't that big of an FU. In the moment, however, it was the worst thing I've ever done.
So, I had a long day. What I really needed was a hot shower to relax. I was showering, feeling good. The hot water running over my skin. I felt a pressure in my lower abdomen. The familiar fart pressure. I decide to release.
At the moment I released, intense pain shot to my butthole. For that split second, I believe I felt what it must be like to be anally probed. I nearly ripped my butthole apart. My rectum spread and stretched before slamming shut again. As for my cheeks, if you played it back in slow motion, I believe it would look something like a horse's lips flapping. The pain subsided very quickly, so I went back to enjoying my shower.
For anyone who has farted in the shower before, you'll know that every now and then, you'll smell it, and it smells way worse than normal. I have no idea about the chemistry involved (if someone would explain it to me, it would be appreciated.). I think it has something to do with the water molecules bonding with the fart molecules and the steam lifting it up.
What I smelled... Was something akin to absolute, concentrated death in its purest form. My first thought was, "Oh, God! What have I done??"
Second thought, "*THAT* came out of my body???"
Now, thirty minutes later, I can still smell it.
TL;DR: nearly ripped open my butthole and smelled Satan's nuts.
VXXii: Please: tifu is only for masturbation stories.
Thunderkick72: I'm breaking the trend. TIFU went through that shitting myself phase. It's going through the masturbation/sex phase. The farts time is NOW!!!
May the Fart be with you
VXXii: Then you are a hero and I wish you success.
| 4 | 3 | |
1407688222 | 1407740007 | t3_2d5mgy | t5_2to41 | 36 | pygmypi: TIFU by being really good at hide and seek.
I've told versions of this before, but whatever this fuck-up belongs in this fine subreddit.
Not today, but Thanksgiving Day about 10 years ago. We have a huge family gathering at my Grandma's house including all cousins. Dinner is awesome. Grandma is awesome. Nobody in the family comes out of the closet, or gets drunk enough to yell at each other. All the siblings and cousins decide after dinner we will have a huge game of hide and seek. Now, I grew up exploring Grandma's house and I have home field advantage. I know every good hiding place there is between the basement and the sewing room. I got this.
To put this in context, I was a really tiny kid. Like 33 inches tall in 3rd grade tiny. However, this meant that I could cram my tiny body into the weirdest places. So destination time today, GAME FUCKING ON.
Just past the dining room is a 'half-bathroom'. Like it just has a shitter and a sink with a double-door cabinet directly below it. I knew I could fit in this cabinet because of a previous fuck-up (I hid out in it for hours after accidentally smashing a car windshield). But hey, I'm going for gold. I am going to challenge my cousins. So, I decide to squish my body into half the cabinet so I can leave the other door ajar. Thus, even if the seeker looked into the bathroom... they'd think 'there is no fucking way anyone could be in that cabinet right now.'
So there I am, beside myself at how great this hiding spot is just chilling until everyone gives up and admits I am king.
Let me preface this fuck up by saying I am an idiot hiding in a bathroom on a holiday noteworthy for food, football, and mudbutt.
The door opens. I snicker and think 'oh, its all good'. DEAD FUCKING WRONG. I see my Dad's legs and a genuine food baby hobble toward the toilet. I turn white. The only thing my Pops is seeking is tell bowel relief. I mean, he was trying to call Ford because he was about to redesign the MEGA DUTY. Two scenarios go through my head: to end my life, or accept the consequences of my decision. I should have chosen option A.
Que violent Thanksgiving shit. This one is going to take a hot-second and maybe two rolls of TP. The cabinet door that is left ajar reveals some Maxim magazines. My Dad reaches in to grab some reading material, while I am inches away from experiencing the worst moment of my life. RANK, FOWL, REVOLTING smellz everywhere. I want to puke and pass out its so bad.
Finally, a double flush. Lights out. Utter shame and embarrassment. I sit an wallow in self-pity for about 20 minutes and finally exit the cabinet. The hide and seek game ended a long while ago when Grandma brought out some pie. I join everyone in the dining room and I guess I looked to be in pretty rough shape because my Mom asked me what was wrong. I finally tell her where I was hiding and my Dad realizing what happened turns a violent red. Everyone laughs, but I know I goofed. On Thanksgiving, I fucked up.
TL;DR: I had to sit through my Dad's brutal Thanksgiving shit because I was awesome at hide and seek.
Edit: GRAMMER
_marshmellon_: I feel so bad for you but this is gold.
pygmypi: I mean, thanks stranger. But the emotional damage is done. There are things you can't forget no matter how much you want to.
lawlcrackers: Try and remember the pie. How was the pie?
| 4 | 9 | |
1407719734 | 1407892506 | t3_2d6yns | t5_2to41 | 6 | PM_My_GentlemanBoner: TIFU by not getting her number.
Met a really down the earth rad chick but I was to chicken to get her number. I don't know if I've ever clicked with somebody so quickly. Dummy Dummy Dummy. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.
lockwasher: It was meant to be.
PM_My_GentlemanBoner: Not getting it?
EarnestQuestion: Has to happen a few times for you to learn to go for it. You can be better prepared for the next one
PM_My_GentlemanBoner: Honestly, I just don't know what to say without seeming desperate.
EarnestQuestion: Seeming desperate? Desperate is the guy who asks out a million girls - sounds like you have the opposite problem.
The thing is, you will feel the same fear next time. And 10 years from now. The difference is at some point you're going to feel it then ask her anyway.
| 6 | 1 | |
1407721104 | 1407722420 | t3_2d70qy | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by googling mangina at work
Title says it all. My ninja like co-worker snuck up behind me because he must have heard me giggling and caught me in the act. He didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did and has been giving me weird looks since it happened.I have to say, I have no ragrets about it.
soalone34: Maintain your dominance and make a mangina picture your computer background.
Nohalfmeasures00: Agreed its really your only course of action here.
soalone34: Infact Op should print out a poster with a mangina and hang it up in the work place. Expect a promotion and raise afterwards.
Nohalfmeasures00: Lol even better
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1407716918 | 1407725029 | t3_2d6uhp | t5_2to41 | 11 | msbjcole: TIFU by locking myself out of my car
I locked myself out of my car, only to have the police show me I wasn't really locked out. I've been driving a Dodge Charger for 3 years now and never realized inside of my ignition key is a spare key to the door. I got out of my car at a local university, hit the lock button on the key and locked the door. When I got back to my car for some reason the electronic key wouldn't unlock the door. I didn't have my cell phone to call anyone and no one else was in the parking lot, so I sat down on the curb to wait for someone to come out, finally after about 20 minutes someone came out and offered to call the campus police to come unlock the door for me. The campus policeman pulled up in Dodge Charger, got out and started laughing. He said "I'm going to show you something and you're gonna be embarrassed". I said " Oh well, that's the story of my life". He took my key flipped it over on the back side, slid a little button and popped out a spare key. I had been sitting on that curb, in the hot sun for at least 20 minutes looking like boo boo the fool because I really thought I was locked out of my car! SMH
Thermohaline: [Locking yourself *inside* your car is worse.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbX_I_lrmIc)
msbjcole: LOL...agreed!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407722416 | 1423025854 | t3_2d72p5 | t5_2to41 | 18 | DBL0C: TIFU by trying to leaving and re entering USA on an expired visa.
I am an international student on F-1 type visa. My visa was set to expire on August 2nd 2014 and I booked a cruise to Bahamas on August 8th. I thought it wouldn't be an issue since it's only a cruise and the staff that checks us in wouldn't be so anal about it. I was wrong, not only did I not get on the cruise they called homeland security on me and got me deported. Since my apartment was in New York and we were supposed to take the cruise from Miami they also did not give me a chance to grab my stuff and deported me instantly within 3 hours. After studying in America for 4 years and paying over $300k in tuition and living expenses they showed no kindness.
I know I f*cked up but as a young student who is just trying to have a good vacation before I leave to India permanently on August 22nd (yes I showed them my tickets). So I ended wasting over $4000 ( cruise and air tickets to India). My advice, don't fuck with USCIS. Anyway feels great to get out of that shit and back to my own country where immigration rules aren't that anal.
lurkattwork: [Sanitizing](http://images.clipartpanda.com/laughing-smiley-face-emoticon-RcA6KpMRi.jpeg) comment history.
das2121: Late but I agree. F-1 Visa is for duration of status. Also, the Bahamas are considered adjacent territories and people with expired non-immigrant visas can exit and enter with no problem.
lurkattwork: There is a program called visa revalidation. You visa is revalidated provided you did not commit a crime while out, have been out less than 30 days, did not apply for another visa, and are coming from contiguous territory or adjacent islands.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1407724862 | 1407743856 | t3_2d769q | t5_2to41 | 14 | IlliniLeft: TIFU Complaint
Can we give masturbation stories their own subreddit? Tiresome to see wanker stories again and again.
ContactPlay: Since all of the shat myself stories have their own day maybe the masturbation stories could have masturbation Monday or something?
Teotwawki69: Wank Wednesday.
Bnlol1: Fapping Friday
Teotwawki69: Tug It Tuesday.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1407724223 | 1407774748 | t3_2d75cl | t5_2to41 | 5 | AfroKing23: Tifu by tryna get dem gainz
So... ive been told by my coach that it would help me to gain about 10 more lbs before kickoff next week. Being the great athlete that I am, and the fact that I had already gained 30 since the end of 3rd quarter earlier this year(about march) I said "Yessir" -and went on my merry way.
Later on that day, in the great maze of people, white, Latino, black, Asian, South American, Native American and FuckAllinese, known as walmart, I was searching for the perfect product. A new whey protein powder shake to help reach a peak physical physique that only I can reach. It came down to three great choices: Vanilla, Double Chocolate, or Strawberry. I decided on strawberry since I just finished a container of DC and my girlfriend is vanilla so I could just eat her if I wanted some(bow chicka bow wow).
I went home withe my prizefighter. I promptly ate my dinner of delicious fried bbq chicken tenders and boiled baby potatoes with a side of steamed veggies. And then I began my post meal ritual. I grabbed my newly prized container of strawberry flavored muscle enhanced and poured it into my faithful Muscle Milk cup filled il to my allotted 10oz of milk. After a vigorous shake down to mix the two, I uncapped and said bottoms up. I chugged that shit like a frat with a Natty light. It was delicious. However, I felt the unneassyness begin
Halfway up my stair case I had to make a decision: either haul ass down the steps, risking vomiting at the bottom of the stairs causeing a huge mess or springing to the closer upstairs restroom and praying to whoever is watching me that I can make it. I chose B.
Using my powerful legs I skipped two steps at a time, pushing my little brother down in the process. I saw the door to sanctuary. And it was wide open. I saw my goal. My LZ. My rendezvous point withe destiny. I sprinter the long 7 yards down my hallway, barely making it to the bathroom door before the hatch opened. J was too late. The dam burst and I lost control of the situation.
The vomit burst forward from my bowels like a pink geyser of chicken, strawberry protein, boiled potatoes, and some delicious italian ice i had had before i went to walmart. Most of it made it into the target zone. Notice, however, I said most. For those of you who don't know me, when I eat.
I. Eat. So I had of course 6 full sized tenders, twonhelpings of potatoes and steamed veggies and also a snickers bar. It was delicious.
But God damn it tasted terrible coming back up. Tasted like straight strawberry vomit...
Tl;Dr: Strawberry projectile vomit misses toilet and I clean up a toilet, tub, curtain, and bathroom tub for the second day in a row.
GreenKoopaTroopa: Horrible title. Did not read. Did downvote though
AfroKing23: Fair enough.
Thank you for telling me
GreenKoopaTroopa: Ugh, felt bad after you responding in such a nice way, came back to read and upvote
AfroKing23: Haha being nice helps sometimes
| 5 | 1 | |
1407726087 | 1408042999 | t3_2d7849 | t5_2to41 | 372 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting fingered
First of all to clarify I'm a dude and this happened a few years ago and at the time I was 13
Ok so to start it off, I was a horny little kid, what else is a horny little kid gonna do all day, masturbate. I masturbated almost every day, I would take my iPod in the bathroom with headphones ( I wasn't very secretive about it because I didn't know how to be ) so then this went on for a while and eventually I think my mom found out because she's like, I don't think its very healthy for you to be doing this kinda of stuff and that age and I said what are you talking about as if I was completely oblivious to what's happening.
Fast forward to like a month, my mom wants to have a serious talk with me, she sits me in the room and asks why I always take so long in the bathroom, the only thing that came into my mine was I have trouble pooping. So she just keeps asking questions and questions and sooner or later I have a doctors appointment that weekend.
Now its Saturday morning, I'm at the doctors she asks what's the problem I tell her Im having trouble pooping, she says pull down your pants and lay on the bed sideways with your knees tucked......... Shit.
She tells me to relax and everything will bee fine, she puts on the glove and lube or whatever and sticks her finger in my ass, my mom starts DYING with laughter, while I'm sitting there with a finger in my ass almost crying. The doctor says she messed up and needs to do it again, you gotta be fucking kidding. So again she does it and my mom is there laughing, again.
When we were going home first thing mom did was tell my brother and dad and of course they started laughing too
So I'm guessing my mom knew I masturbated and just wanted to teach me a lesson, shittiest lesson ever
TL;DR got fingered in the ass twice for masturbating while mom was in the background laughing
aren20: For some reason, the mom sounds hot to me. Would make one hell of a night. ;)
happiestgilmoreever: are you implying he fucks his own mother? you sick fuck
MBII: Where did you get that come? I'm pretty sure he was saying it would make one hell of a night for HIM, not OP.
happiestgilmoreever: why would he imply it would make one hell of a night for him? .... let me turn the question back on you.... where did that come from?
MBII: > For some reason, the mom sounds hot to me. Would make one hell of a night. ;)
This is the most self-explanatory statement ever. He said the mom sounds hot to him. Would make one hell of a night for him to fuck her or whatever. It really isn't that hard to understand.
happiestgilmoreever: ok first let me explain that my origional post was lathered in sarcasm. Kind of tough to pick up through written text.
Second, I fully understand what he was getting at, my point was that it was a little out of left field.
third. does this really important enough for us to be discussing
MBII: Idk you got anything better to be doing?
happiestgilmoreever: building some stuff
MBII: Legos? Can I play too?
happiestgilmoreever: solar farm. but close enough
MBII: Wait, are you forreal? Because that's pretty legit.
happiestgilmoreever: yesssir
| 13 | 28.615385 | |
1407727128 | 1407854034 | t3_2d79mj | t5_2to41 | 72 | [deleted]: *NSFW* TIFU By holding in my fart in class
Well, TIFU suscribers... This didn't happen today, it happened on Friday. It is now Sunday (fml) and tomorrow is my second to last day of summer 2.
Welp, here we go.
So I woke up Friday morning with a pretty bad stomach ache. I took a huge shit, brushed my teeth, then ended up right back on the toilet to hurl another one out. My stomach felt uneasy, but I had to get to class. I grabbed a bottle of water and a snack bar, when I should have grabbed some anti-diarrheal medicine.
I hopped into my car, and immediately rolled down the windows. I knew this was gonna be a stinky ride. The whole 15 minutes to campus, I was farting to get myself comfortable as possible before I had to be surrounded by others.
I let a few more out in the hallways on the way to class (RIP to whoever chose to use those hallways after me) and then sat down in class. I felt fine! I thought it was all over, but then I felt my stomach turning. Well, I had a presentation with two group members to do, and we were presenting first on Friday.
As I walked up to the front of class, my stomach got even worse from stage freight. I hate speaking in public. I pulled up our powerpoint and decided to soldier through it. I kept thinking to myself "15 minutes, then i'll make a bathroom run and let it all out"
Ha. Worst. Decision. Ever.
As one of my partners are giving her part of the presentation, I suddenly got a tickle in my nose and had the urge to sneeze really bad. I couldn't hold it anymore, and sneezed.
Well, here is the thing. You know those sneezes where you have to try really hard to hold it in? So that you don't sneeze all over? And not make too much noise? Well I did that, and im sure you all know how much force that puts on your stomach.
I let out the loudest fucking fart ever. The shit smelled so foul I felt my lungs burning from the acidity of the fucking fart. It was the most disgusting, embarrassing fart ever.
And get this. My class has 15 people in it. I am one of two males.
FML. I have class tomorrow morning.
yt_rnc: Ahh the infamous snart.. Ugh.. Too many PSI..
EDIT: One must beware of the snart... you can blow a ring =/
[deleted]: I snarted once. Caused me to shit in my pants.
yt_rnc: The dreaded snart to shart combo. Underwear ultra killed..
| 4 | 18 | |
1407755780 | 1407771551 | t3_2d7apc | t5_2to41 | 9 | pulsefrequency: Yea... it is.
pulsefrequency: Christians have been fucking with other people for not being Christian since its very inception. They have some deep rooted convictions that make them good people and I've got nothing against them, being agnostic myself (NOT atheist, and for the record I hate the whole atheism/religion shit throwing fest) but there is absolutely no denying that they are extremely intolerant of non Christians, generally speaking.
MyUserSucks: 'They' the vast majority of Christians are not like this and are only unheard of because the minority who are like this get publicised.
pulsefrequency: > the vast majority
Do you even history
MyUserSucks: I was talking about nowadays. Hence the 'Are not like this' instead of 'Were not like this'.
pulsefrequency: Look man, I'm not about to try to open that can of worms. People have been fighting and killing each other in the name of their various gods since before written history, and that's a fact, just as the sun shines. Religions catalyze the inherent xenophobic nature of humanity and manipulates behavior and thinking under the guise of benevolence. That's life. Like I said, I don't really care; anyone who can be so sure of something so much larger than them is still a stone's throw from a plains ape if you ask me.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1407729075 | 1407729486 | t3_2d7cdo | t5_2to41 | 8 | just_another_hobo: TIFU by getting thirsty at night
I'm currently staying with my grandpa in Ecuador, who has cancer, for vacation. A week ago we went to get natural medicine from indiginous tribes for him as it works well for him, and was nice to see the tribes. Fast forward to tonight. Its night, dark, and all I wanted was a drink. I grabbed a random soda bottle from the fridge without paying much attention, poured it in a glass and took a sip. All I can taste is what I'd imagine a mixture of sewage water and piss to be like. The taste doesn't go away even after 1 bottle of mouthwash. LPT fuck alternative medicine.
McBr0de: Do you have any idea what it actually was?
just_another_hobo: Its from some tree that grows in the amazon that is said to help with prostate cancer.
Edit: they need to not sell that stuff in soda bottles
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407727746 | 1407814444 | t3_2d7ahu | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving myself an ulcer because I'm a dumbass.
Several weeks ago, some of my friends were over for a campfire. There was some drinking, I got fairly drunk myself, and after it was over we all went back in the house. I then realized that we left a flashlight outside, so I figured i'd go get real quick. On the way out there, I stepped on something and sprained my ankle. I had already sprained it about two weeks earlier so I imagine it was highly suseptible to being re-sprained. I come in the house and take a hefty dose of pain medication to get rid of this awful pain, then try to sleep it off.
About two hours later, I wake up and my stomach is killing me, I then realise that alcohol and pain meds aren't a good mix. My stomach kills me for a while, but eventually I feel ok.
Flash foward about a week and I'm going to town on some spicy chicken wings at east coast wings like its going out of style. Right as I'm finishing up, my stomach starts feeling like death. I go and shit in the bathroom but it doesn't help much. For the next few days I can hardly eat, I feel like death, and life just generally sucks. I go to the doctor and she told me I have a stomach ulcer. I've been on meds for a while now and I still get the occasional nausea, but I'm feeling much better than those first few days.
Still pissed as hell though because this thing really put a big god- damn dent in my summer. All because I walked out to go get a fucking flashlight.
Dimsml: Did you get a gastroscopy?
[deleted]: No it was just based on symptoms, and the fact that I had a significant improvement with the medicine perscribed.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1407722736 | 1407732533 | t3_2d735u | t5_2to41 | 28 | Pareunomania: TIFU by petting a kitty
I'm an animal lover but I'm allergic to cats.
For the past month or so we have been vacationing in a small country where there are many strays so because I'm in love with any animal I see I'll usually pet them.
Recently there has been this adorable ass cat who comes into out house and begs for food and such and we just let it do whatever.
So last night we find this kitty trying to get into our house through the gate. This thing is tiny like less than three months old. Even tho I have allergies I played with it and it walks around like all over the room and shit. But it's adorable and I don't do nothing about it even though I know I'm gonna regret it.
Once I head to bed My eye started itching really bad and because I'm a dumbass I just rub it. I don't even understand my body because I start getting a runny nose and a sore throat, which are my normal allergy symptoms. Even though there is no sign of cat around.
So I wake up this morning and my left eye is all big and poofy and my dad yelled at me because the kitty was crying all night to be let in.
It's still hear and I can still hear it meowing. ):
TL:DR Kitty comes and gives me a poofy eye.
Sorry this isn't a major fuck up and it doesn't have anything to do with soiling my pants or masturbating.
Mr--Kitty: Totally worth it, kittens are the shit.
Pareunomania: So true
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1407729645 | 1407867066 | t3_2d7d78 | t5_2to41 | 209 | arcaneoutlaw: TIFU by drinking "absinthe"
So it was summer vacation and my friend and I were staying at another friend's house while he was in New York for the summer. His parents owned the place and were relatively wealthy. They also worked in lived and worked in Holland at the time. When my friend and I moved into his house he mentioned that we could have any of the alcohol that he left behind. Throughout the summer went went through quite a few bottles of vodka, rum etc. We had a good time.
One day, whilst snooping around we found a hidden cabinet in the bathroom way up high. After standing on a chair, I found a few bottles of bright green alcohol. There was a grey goose bottle, a sapphire bottle, and various others all filled with this same green.
Our immediate thought: OMG... absinthe (at least the hard stuff with real wormwood) is illegal in the US. These guys live in Holland. It's hidden away. It's in different bottles so it won't be suspicious. Holy shit we just found a shit ton of absinthe.
We spent the next hour or so debating what to do. Do we drink it? As people who don't do any drugs, we were pretty nervous about the potential hallucinations we might have... but eventually we gave in and thought we'd drink some.
We each took a shot. We waited. "Do you feel anything yet?" was a constant question we asked.
We took a few more shots. After all, one shot isn't gonna do anything. After about six shots a piece we became skeptical. We finally gave in and texted our friend to ask about the absinthe in his cabinet... who knows... maybe we were drinking it wrong.
He said we'd have to specify about the bottle so we sent him this picture:
http://imgur.com/BljCRJK
He responded, and it turns out that we had been taking shots of highlighter ink that he would display under backlights for backlight parties.
We freaked out obviously and called poison control. They basically told us to piss a lot and not sleep till we thought it was out of our systems.
TL:DR Took shots of absinthe. Turned out to be highlighter ink. Lived to tell the tale.
drdeadringer: "... and that was the highlight of my summer vacation."
octavesemitone: >give gold
siddnayak: nah bro you have to turn on developer's console in settings, then press ~ and type "give gold"
| 4 | 52.25 | |
1407731095 | 1407731872 | t3_2d7fa8 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my number for a waitress
Ok, so actually last week, but whatever. I went out to eat lunch alone since I moved to a new city and don't know anyone yet. I chose a place and get set up with a cool waitress (pretty, not hot) who's really chatty and seemingly into me. She writes her name down for me, makes lots of comments about my shirt, my motorcycle gear, and so on and so forth. She brings me samples of all kinds of beers to try before I pick one, and seems to spend as much time with me as possible without clearly ignoring her other tables.
Anyway, I'm not a particularly outgoing person, but the attention was nice, and I don't know anyone in town, so I figure I should do something about this opportunity. At this point, I'm trying to decide how to go about this. I kind of pussed out in terms of asking her out, but as I'm paying the bill (I left her a really good tip), I figure "what the hell, what do you have to lose?" This prompts me to do something completely out of character and I write my number down next to my signature on the check. At this point, it's too late to go back, so I get out of there figuring she'll never call.
A couple days later, I get a text from her saying that she's in a band and wants me to come check it out at some gig this week. Ok, live bands aren't really my thing, but they can be cool sometimes. I get the name of her band, tell her I'll show up, and figure I should see what I'm getting myself into, so I look it up. They're terrible! On top of that, the gig she has is at a real venue, so now, I've committed myself to going, there's a fee to get in, the bands playing are awful, and I have to wake up at 6am for work the next day when she won't even come out until like 10pm.
I'm not sure whether to no show, never go to that restaurant again and hope she doesn't call or text me too much, or go, be miserable, and then have to lie to her saying how good it was and get out some other way.
She seems nice, but I'm thinking she's not my type, and this situation got out of hand pretty damn quick.
Well, this is my first post, and it's on mobile, so we'll see how it goes, but hopefully I didn't fuck up too badly. Sorry it got so long, I just tried to explain it all as best I could.
archydarky: I can see why you're single.
mlprbd: ^ this
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407731230 | 1407775774 | t3_2d7fgr | t5_2to41 | 40 | Izzlepie: TIFU By asking my girlfriend to send me nudes
I don't know if this is the right place to share this story, but I really want to share it somewhere. A little background information about me: I'm 18 and my, now ex, girlfriend is 19 and we both are very religious. We had been friends for years and started dating about six months before this event. We were both very much infatuated with each other and convinced that we would get married one day. However, one thing you should know about my gf is that she suffers from a few major psychological problems. Her father died about a year before we started dating and since then has suffered from major depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and borderline multiple personalities (It's not really multiple personalities, it's more like extreme mood swings). She was a mess and honestly shouldn't have been in a serious relationship.
Anyway, here is the actual story. A few weeks ago my gf was in a very horny mood as she sometimes would be. I thought nothing of it and was just excited that she wanted to be intimate with me. We never had sex but would be fairly physical in person and then sext on some nights. Her horny mood lasted for about two weeks and was very enjoyable for both of us, but ended with my fuck up. While sexting she would sometimes send pictures of her in her bra and panties but never full nudes. She always said that she wanted to save that surprise for our wedding night. I wanted more though. I kept pushing for her to send nudes and one night she finally agreed. She would send three pics. I was ecstatic, but I had to wait until night after I was done with work. While at work she would text me and she seemed extremely horny. I had never seen her like this before. She wanted me so badly and I wanted her. She started sending me pictures before I got home from work and asked me for dick pics when I got home. I agreed. We had a very intimate night with many nude pictures exchanged between us. It felt great. At the end of the night she mentioned that she should be feeling guilty about this (because of our mutual religion), but she doesn't. She also mentioned that she wasn't exactly feeling like herself, but I thought nothing of it, I was still too horny. The next morning we talked casually about the night before neither of us feeling too guilty. She was still horny and wanted to make plans to have me come over on Monday, it's Saturday at this time, so I could feel her boobs (which I had only done once before). I said ok to this plan. I was busy for most of Saturday so I didn't text her until about 7o'clock. When we started talking she was sounding like she was in a depressed mood. She was feeling guilty for what we did the night before. I told her everything was going to be ok and that we wouldn't do it again and I meant it. She stopped texting me out of nowhere so I just said goodnight and told her to get some rest. She didn't text me the next morning. I was slightly worried. I text her after I got home from church. No response. I was really worried. Then I got a text from her mother. She says that my gf had had a tough night Saturday and that she no longer had her phone, and that I am forbidden from contacting her. Immediately I tried contacting my gf on Facebook. I asked what was going on and what happened on Saturday. She messaged back and told me that her mother knew that we were making plans to be together on Monday, but that wasn't the issue. Saturday night my gf had gotten very close to slitting her wrists and that her mother had found her just in time. She told me that she was going to do it because of me. She told me that it was my fault because I was taking advantage of her sexually. She told me that because of her illnesses that she was unable to make better choices and that I should've known that. I felt horrible. I hated myself. And for a few days I believed her that it was entirely my fault and that I was taking advantage of her. We broke up of course. And for the past three weeks I have felt lost and alone and guilty.
I'm not sure how to put into words how I feel now. But I have forgiven myself and my ex. I know it wasn't entirely my fault since she wanted it just as badly as I did at the time. I have talked to her twice since then. She is still holding on to a lot of bitterness towards me even though she said that she forgave me.
Well that's my story. Couldn't think of a good way to end it. Sorry for the sad story on this sub.
AmandaGaia: Sounds like the girl was brainwashed into being ashamed of her sexuality, and since you didn't do what her parents thought you should have done, they turned her against you.
Sorry this happened to you, but it illustrates perfectly why main stream religions are horrible cults.
Izzlepie: Thanks for the input, but I do love my religion and think it is a great influence in my life and has brought me peace since this happened. I do appreciate your opinion but my religion isn't the point that I'd like to discuss here.
AmandaGaia: Wasn't implying that it was your religion, was implying that it was the interpretation of religious values that the girl and her family have for themselves.
You see, in your religion, it's ok to express yourself sexually, as you stated when you admitted that you forgave yourself and her for showing your bits and pieces to each other regardless of what you have been taught. However, the girl through her actions and words, that her own religious beliefs are not the same as your own. Thereby, the discussion and comment that I made was directed to the girls version of religion, not your own.
Izzlepie: Thanks for clarifying. What you are saying does make sense. It's just that the words "horrible cults" usually have negative connotations and I was worried you were trying to bash my beliefs and church organization.
AmandaGaia: I don't know you well enough to do that :-)
Other people that I do know however, free game for me.
What I can say is only based off what you have posted up, without knowing her side I would normally place the blame on the parents. However, given her age, even not knowing her side of the story, I can honestly say that to me, it sounds like a horribly bad situation due to conflicting religious beliefs.
Izzlepie: Well it is really just a very complex situation and I just scratched the surface of the whole story. My ex was chemically unbalanced in her brain and that is what caused most of our problems here. It was normal for her to feel guilt because of religious beliefs but a normal emotionally stable person would not want to kill themselves because of it. That's all I'm trying to say.
AmandaGaia: If she was unbalanced, and you knew this, then why are you beating yourself up for something that you had no control over?
Izzlepie: Because I loved this girl. I loved her despite all her issues and she knew that. I had always been there for her up to this point. She trusted me and part of me still feels like I betrayed her.
| 9 | 4.444444 | |
1407732939 | 1407739259 | t3_2d7hpp | t5_2to41 | 109 | tomasicemann: TIFU by not getting her number...3 times
First off, I am new to reddit and have loved the tifu section. That is, until I unfortunately had a reason to post on it, this happened today just a couple of hours ago. Yes the story is long, so prepare yourself.
I'm a 16 year old guy, and I have always loved going to the beach. Unfortunately I have been very busy this summer and haven't had much spare time to go, so when I got the opportunity to go I jumped on it immediately. My dad and 11 year old brother arrive at a new beach we'd never been to before. I was a little skeptical, we were in a very luxurious neighborhood that had that feel of money, like its excess increased the strength of gravity, pulling you in. As we proceeded down one of the two entrances we paid, and walked down the marble steps to the beach.
At first it seemed like just a regular beach, until I looked closer, again feeling the money. I saw a huge playground, which to me was mindblowing, I'd never seen a playground actually on the beach (now I know that this probably is not very uncommon, but at the time I was amazed). There were two volleyball courts and plenty of free space as the beach was private. We found a nice space next to the water and settled down.
After a couple of hours of playing soccer and swimming with my brother I noticed a group of volleyball girls walk in through the beach's other entrance. Almost instantly my eyes gazed upon the most gorgeous person I had ever seen, she had flowing black hair, facial features of a goddess, and the cutest smile known to the entire world. I would glance over every once in a while, trying to play it cool, while planning my approach to them, and ultimately, her.
After they played a couple of pickup volleyball games against another group of beachgoers, I wasn't the only one interested, my brother (who is not shy at all, and is always trying to prove he can compete at my level) had told me that he wanted to go play some volleyball. I agreed with him and we asked if we could play with them, the other beachgoers told us they were leaving after they finished the current game (which was almost over). So I waited with my brother quietly to the side.
Eventually we were up, the 4 girls were all friendly and didn't expect much out of us. My brother wanted to be on my team, which meant one of the girls had to come over to ours to make the numbers an even 3 on 3. The girl that came over was the one I spotted from the distance, and up close she was even more attractive, on top of that I could now pick up on her sweet personality and flirty attitude, so naturally I also flirted with her. At this point, things were going better than well, they were going great.
Now, just like any other athletic and competitive 16 year old guy who is in the presence of girls, I tried my hardest to show off, pulling off diving saves and making miraculous points. I honestly could not believe the moves I was making, on top of that, my very outgoing brother is shouting "Wow! [My name] is making the play(s) of the game!" and things in that general sense. He was unintentionally being a great wingman. After my team had gone undefeated after a couple of hours of playing two other men had asked to join in. We played two more games and then the girls had to go.
This is where my fuck up truly begins. (Sorry for all of the excess writing, but I figured if I was going to post this, I might as well post the full story). The girl kept staring at me, still flirting, while my brother and I played against the two men. At this point she asked me where I was from, and I asked her as well, she was twirling her phone in her hand, and only now do I notice how much of an invitation this was. (That is the first time I missed out on getting her number). I swear, fate was on my side with this girl, but I was just ignoring it blindly; because these two men had decided to leave in a hurry, and left before the girls even got the chance to pack up. My dad noticed that everyone had stopped and called my brother and I back to him so that we could leave too. I rinsed the sand off of myself and got packed up, I figured that the girl was long gone by this point, but to my surprise I noticed her at the top of the other entrance, looking straight at me. I wish that I had the balls to perform one of those movie-like romantic gestures where I would see this and take off after her, but, unfortunately, I put my head down and kept going up my entrance. (Second time I missed getting her number, which may not seem like a very big chance, but she waited for me so I consider it pretty big). The last chance came soon afterwards, as I got to the top of my entrance's steps I looked over and saw the group of girls, they were waving and came over to say goodbye. The girl was looking very anxious, which I of course didn't pick up on, she even waited a while longer to turn away from me before we said our last goodbyes.
To make this worse, my dad was watching the whole thing. When we got in the car he asked me if I didn't think that the girl was cute, which I immediately replied to by saying that she was. He then looked at me, extremely confused, and explained how obviously she was trying to get me to ask for her number. Now I see every little detail playing over in my head, and I know how badly I fucked up. Chances are I will never see her again in my life. I will still try and convince my dad go to the beach next week, I'm hoping that she goes there weekly.
tl;dr I saw a goddess of a girl, played volleyball with her, flirted, and missed out on her huge hints 3 times.
ArcticRakun: TYFU indeed
tomasicemann: I seriously hope to God that she shows up next week.
ArcticRakun: Yes, I don't think it's too often when a girl you like gives you hints like that
tomasicemann: Yeah, I figured I would post my first worthy fuck up on here, didn't think it would happen so soon though.
soalone34: Update plz.
| 6 | 18.166667 | |
1407732435 | 1407740769 | t3_2d7h21 | t5_2to41 | 8 | WOX_69: TIFU by killing my little cousin's pet fish
I walked by my little cousin's room and noticed that her fish tank was looking dirty. So being the good cousin that I am, I put the fish in cup of water, and proceeded to clean out the tank and replace the water. I let her put the fish back in the tank when it was all done. All's good, right?
Well, hours later, her my aunt asks me if I put the special salt in the tank. Uuuuuh, what? I go in her room and the fish is dead. Now I have to go out while she's at school tomorrow and get her a replacement fish.
Being an older cousin is tough work.
-EDIT-
Replacement fish is now in bowl. Cousin will come back to her newly "healed" fish.
Striderrs: Your cousin is going to be pretty salty.
WOX_69: As long as I play this off right she won't be.
DeanTheDJ: ...you missed the joke.
WOX_69: .....I got it, genius. But thanks anyway.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1407717782 | 1407811396 | t3_2d6vrz | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by intentionally developing a drinking problem.
I used to self harm myself a lot. I did this from the age of 15 to 17. I was eventually able to stop. For a while I only cut myself when something really bad happened and then after a bit I stopped altogether. When I reached the legal drinking age in my part of the world (19) I started to turn to that instead. Sorry I know this is staring to sound very "world's smallest violiney".
I got the point a few months ago where I was having about 2 beers a day (on average) I'd get a 6 pack every weekend and another on Wednesday nights because my schedule was set up so that I had Thursdays off. I realised that it wasn't responsible to be having that much beer because for one thing that can harm you financially but for another thing having beer at that rate can obviously lead you to developing a problem. I knew that full well and the weird thing is I think that was kind of the point. I wanted to develop a drinking problem because I knew it would be harmful. I was trying to give myself I drinking problem with the same mindset that I used to have when I cut myself I was just trying to damage my body and mind. Well long story short I now have a problem and now that I actually do have a problem I really regret doing this to myself just like I really regret all the scars that are on my leg.
N_Howl: There is help available. I know you must feel like you are broken and that things will always be like this but there are so many people who have recovered from this illness. You didn't give yourself a drinking a problem. You had the problem before you started drinking. Drinking just covers it up. There is a solution and it's free and you can be happier than you've ever been if you want to be.
MellowHellNo: /u/N_Howl has is right: there was a problem already present before you turned to the bottle. Substituting one presentation (cutting) for another (drinking) doesn't mean that the symptom (self-harm) goes away. It's clear that this tendency towards self-destruction has been there for a long time and is likely symptomatic of a much deeper and unresolved problem.
You don't have any reason to feel that you are being, as you put it, "world's smallest violiney." It's clear that you are experiencing extreme emotional distress and what you're feeling is something completely valid. You should actually applaud yourself for recognizing that there is a problem, sharing that with others, and expressing a want to change. That is one of the first big steps to seeking help and there are many people that can't even do that. What you have to do now, though, is work towards real and permanent change. Again, as per No-Howl, there are resources available to aid in your recovery, but you have to seek them out.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407734130 | 1407854655 | t3_2d7j74 | t5_2to41 | 6 | bru7us: TIFU By swallowing too soon
Firstly, let me apologise. I know you came in here expecting to read a great humiliating sex story that involves deep throat, gagging, **** cheese and hilarity... and well, you'd be partly right. Here I offer you all of the above, but without the sex or ****:
This story starts with my incredibly sensitive gag reflex. It's so bad that a hair stuck back there can set me off. Brushing my back teeth for too long or even just opening my mouth to look at my throat too long will result in fear, sweat and a near-vom experience. (Yes, yes, roll in the gag jokes...)
Many years ago, I used to work at a pizza joint. One of the benefits of the job was that if an order was stuffed up or cancelled, we got to eat free pizza.
This one particular evening someone had ordered a cheese pizza with extra cheese, then canceled the order 5min later (when it had already made it into the oven). Hooray for we poor staff!
When I found a spare minute between orders, I grabbed myself a slice and started to dig in. Man this thing was cheesy, and it was HOT! I had been so hungry and rushed that I took a bite of epic proportions and in my haste to stop the burning in my mouth, I swallowed. No problem here, down it went and the burning stopped... but wait.. what is this feeling in my thr..... thrwhrbgggghhh.... thwarrrrruggggh... (throat, you say?). Oh SHIT! I run back to the bin and start pulling at the cheese that I have already swallowed, but is still attached to the pizza slice in my hand. I dumped the slice into the bin and started pulling on the cheese. By this stage, I'm salivating like [Hooch](http://cdn.splitsider.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/turnerandhooch.jpg), swallowing constantly to try and cut it with my throat, gagging like a mad man, pulling and pulling at the cheese like a magicians scarf and it JUST WILL NOT BREAK.
What felt like a minute later but in reality was probably 3-5 seconds, I managed to 'snip' the thinning strand of cheese with my fingers, only I did this outside my mouth, so to free myself I would need to repeat further back. In go my fingers as far back as I'm willing and I pinch the cheese as hard as I can. It broke. I gagged, coughed, spluttered and eventually swallowed the damn thing without spilling my guts.
To this day, every bite gets subconsciously monitored and I will not swallow **anything** that is still attached to something outside of my body.
TL;DR: Took bite of really cheesy pizza, swallowed without enough mastication, cheese was still attached to pizza and would not fucking break! Gagging ensued.
Foreigncarwhipper: Completely thought this was going to be about a blowjob gone wrong. Who else thought the same?
YouWantALime: Literally everyone. This post is just cheesy. ^didyoucatchit^
Foreigncarwhipper: Lol
YouWantALime: Yay someone got it!
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407735428 | 1407762428 | t3_2d7kum | t5_2to41 | 13 | GoAwayIDontLoveU: TIFU by telling my whole family a secret that wasn't mine to tell
Our family is an average family. We don't get in trouble with the law, everyone graduated from a 4 year college, we are all pretty good people. My sister who is about 7 years older than me found out on the day of our brother's wedding, that her 14 year old daughter was arrested on multiple charges of shoplifting. I was the only one who knew and asked me not to say anything. Fast forward 6 hours, we have been at an open bar reception and a few of us had too many drinks. My sister has bullying tendencies and was deflecting her stress on to me during our drive to the hotel. After she said one last comment (out of approx. 10) I finally snapped and said "you should probably stop judging me, considering what I know" she said something along the lines of "dont you dare you little piece of shit <add multiple name calling items>" and I said "why wont you stop?" Being drunk as I was, I laughed at this point and said, "judge me all you want, I'm not the one who has a kid sitting in jail" she pulled over and called the cops, telling them I was belligerent and she didnt feel safe in the car. My mom convinced her to drive to the hotel, where my lovely sis tossed all of my stuff out into the hallway Now she says she want nothing to do with me and doesnt want her kids anywhere near me.
I shouldnt have told our parents but she needs to shut her friggin mouth up and stop bullying others. This is a constant pattern for her and I'm usually her punching bag.
Justlookdonttouch: Sounds like you and your family need some counseling that you've probably needed for some time. You have a sister that bullies you; a mom that allows it; and you've been her punching bag for a long time. I suggest you start talking about all of this to a friend or even better a professional so you can start your healing.
GoAwayIDontLoveU: Honestly, I'm waiting for my insurance to kick back on this fall to start seeing a professional.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407736866 | 1407866420 | t3_2d7mgx | t5_2to41 | 264 | emq11: TIFU by attempting to make some Ramen Noodles
TIFU by attempting to make some Ramen Noodles
So I just got off a long shift at work and came home, hoping to get a quick bite to eat when i get home. I notice my younger brother on the back porch with this new girl he's talking to.
He's only 16 and super awkward, so him talking to a girl is a huge deal and I didn't want to embarrass him so I don't go to say hi.
Well I ended up taking a shower and then after throwing some clothes on I decide to make some Ramen. As I turn the corner I notice the lights are completely off outside. I figure they must have gone somwhere else, so I continue about my business.
As I start boiling the water the motion dector light comes on outside and i figure its just our cat, so i go to let it inside.
to my absolute fucking horror i come face to bare white ass with my younger brother in the midst of getting his first blow job. I screamed, they screamed, we all screamed. I sputtered sorry and just sprinted upstairs.
I just wanted some fucking Ramen.
EDIT: Okay sorry this is such a late update, I got the Ramen Noodles. They were creamy chicken, so hell yes I had to cockblock him.
I'm also his older sister by 6 years so the age gap makes it so much more awkward. i talked to him about it and told him to make sure he's smart about everything and that they both treat each other nicely and to keep the BJ'S in the bedroom and not on the back porch.
still [this] (http://imgur.com/pA55Wo8) picture pretty much sums up everything for the past 24 hours for me.
soalone34: Maintain your dominance and proceed to share your ramen with your brother and his special friend during their blow job.
CodyCus: What if his bro just offered him a sip?
http://imgdonkey.com/big/ZkNiTFlqNg/michael-cera&039s-butthole-really-is-as-cute-seth-rogan-thought-it-be.gif
savingprivatebrian15: Ha, that'd be hilarious. /u/emq11 is a girl, though. Which makes this even funnier.
CodyCus: Ooops I didn't know!
savingprivatebrian15: I suspected it was a chick from the way she told the story. Then she replied to my comment and confirmed.
| 6 | 44 | |
1407737408 | 1407807488 | t3_2d7n2n | t5_2to41 | 39 | iluomo: TIFU by deleting a sex related website and now they want to sue me
I'm in the US and as a freelancer I was hired by a US-based small organization to make some changes to a website. It was hosted on Godaddy. I couldn't connect to the ftp site to pull down the files despite having a valid account, and during a support call with Godaddy to resolve this, they suggested I recreate the account.
Unfortunately I did not realize that if you click the wrong button, it deletes not just the account but also the account home directory, which in this case was the root for one of their sites.
Godaddy says they'll be able to restore the site and were willing to waive any fees to do so, but now the client says they're losing like $1k/day in lost revenue. One Godaddy rep said 24-48 hours to restore, but I since have (understandably) lost any credentials necessary to engage godaddy on the account. I've since been told that it could take 7-10 days (but this was with someone at godaddy who said they couldn't look at the account whatsoever w/o necessary credentials).
I asked the client to backup their site at the start of the contract. They presumably did not, nor did they have any automatic backups enabled (which they could restore manually via godaddy's control panel). Ironically, I was wanting to take a backup via FTP which was why I was even in a support call with Godaddy to begin with.
A buddy of mine says he's wiped sites on godaddy by doing exactly this at least twice in the last 4 years. He feels less stupid now hearing that I've done it as well. I really think it was too easy to delete the website, but what's done is done.
The client is pissed and needless to say I'm freaking out right now... I've refunded all money they've paid me. They have my current city, phone number, an email address, and my first name and last initial. I'm guessing from that they could find out where I live etc.... and they say they'll likely sue me if godaddy doesn't get the site up in 4 hours. It's only ~20mb of files.... it's not like there was so much content.....
Anyone here work for godaddy????
Teotwawki69: This is why you have to include a clause in your contract requiring your clients to maintain an offline back-up of *all* files for the site, and them agreeing to hold you harmless against exactly incidents like this. (Asking them to do this is worth the paper it's printed on.)
Also, regarding a lawsuit, if they sue you, then you sue Godaddy for the amount they're seeking from you, plus any money you've lost because you had to refund the client and had to defend their lawsuit against you. Ultimately, you might get your client to join in a suit together against Godaddy.
Finally, whose choice was it to host their site on Godaddy? If it was the client, then you should probably tell them to sue Godaddy directly. If it was you... ಠ_ಠ
iluomo: It was them that decided to use godaddy. Additionally, I did ask them to backup their site beforehand. Granted, I did not explicitly say I would not beheld liable.
Great advice for next time, though.
b_coin: Hey OP, I've been in this situation before.
- Talk to a lawyer. It will cost you about $250, but that is peanuts compared to a potential lawsuit (you do not need to retain the lawyer for the lawsuit but just to review your options)
- Get business insurance. It will run you between $30-80/mo and covers exactly this situation (e.g. they will make sure you have that liability clause because they will offer you lower rates, they will go to bat for you in court because if they lose insurance has to payout, etc)
I wish you the best of luck. Also, I need a designer. Get in touch with me.
iluomo: I will definitely talk to a lawyer if I get any official communication from the client that they are threatening a lawsuit. They were clearly angry, and I'm hoping they just wanted to scare me and make me feel bad, and that they'll let this go. As it stands now it looks like some files have been restored but the site doesn't appear to be fully functional.
b_coin: >I will definitely talk to a lawyer if
That's your prerogative, just want to warn you that a lawyer can stop smack talk early and help you get resolution with the client. It never hurts to lawyer up and delete your facebook gym.
iluomo: Facebook gym?
| 7 | 5.571429 | |
1407737236 | 1407789013 | t3_2d7mvp | t5_2to41 | 64 | imsorryididntknow: TIFU by playing porn audio to my mum
So in my house, there is a stereo system that is located in the dining room (which can also be heard from the lounge and kitchen. Almost everyday, I would connect my iPod to the stereo system via Bluetooth to play music while I am just pointlessly wondering around the house. It is important to note that the Bluetooth range of this stereo can cover almost my entire house.
Now later in the day, I went into the bathroom to go have a beat. So as usual, I pull out my iPod and start watching some porn. By now you can probably guess what happened. The audio wasn't playing through my iPod, so stupidly I thought the volume just wasn't loud enough, so I turn it up to full blast. The audio still wasn't working, so I just thought maybe my iPod was broken. After watching the whole video, I showered and went out to the kitchen. My mum was standing there. "I heard the whole video". So then I went and hid in my room for 3 hours before going to have dinner.
Edit: Not if it helps with the story or not, but it was lesbian porn
jonrios272: Keep doing this over and over to assert your dominance.
I_Fuck_OPs_Mom_AMA: That's actually not a bad idea
maximus5280: No! It's a great idea!
I_Fuck_OPs_Mom_AMA: I almost want to play it on Bluetooth now...
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1407739082 | 1407782946 | t3_2d7owm | t5_2to41 | 14 | HelloSquidward: TIFU by further shattering my boyfriend's mother's impression that he is a perfect angel (NSFW)
My boyfriend and I (I'm a girl, by the by) are really good kids. Like, straight-A, volunteering, hard-working people who others usually assume are goody-two shoes. However, this is not the case. We drink, smoke pot, have sex, etc. pretty often just like everyone else our age. We're just better at covering it up. My boyfriend's lovely mother (and make no mistake, she is a really great person) still thinks we're non-rebellious virgins, and would be extremely shocked if she found out about some of the stuff we do, so we're usually very careful to hide the sex, pot, and alcohol from her. Despite this, recently we've been fucking up.
It all started months ago, the first time my boyfriend came home after consuming a somewhat copious amount of cinnamon vodka. He was in a little trouble for being home so late, but his mother didn't suspect that he'd been drinking. About a month later, he comes home late again after smoking a definitely copious amount of weed, and is in trouble again. Now at this point his mom definitely doesn't trust him, and I'm assuming doesn't trust me all that much, since her son has only started being the slightest bit rebellious since he meet me. Oops.
Skip to the biggest fuck-up of them all, which occurred earlier this very evening. We're in the basement, playing some Super Mario Bros, and decide to have "sexy time" in the basement since his parents and sister are out. Normally we'd be careful and go up to his room, but since we'd never been caught and everyone was supposed to be gone for at least another hour, we decided to go for it. Skip ahead a little, and it's pretty awesome, and I'm giving him a blowjob. We hear the garage door open, which we both don't particularly care about since we're both pretty horny. Seconds later, from the top of the basement stairs we hear: "*boyfriend's name*?" and are silent, frozen in absolute fear. Then, suddenly, the sound of footsteps descending down the stairs. We look at each other, faces pure shock and horror, and realize that we have about three seconds to pull our shit together. Since I'm an idiot, I stand there frozen until my boyfriend falls to the floor, pulling a knitted afghan over the both of us. His mom and his sister then enter, and since I'm completely under the blanket, he pops his head out, and seeing their quizzical look, simply says, "It's... cozy," to which I add a weak and very lame, "Hi." They say a couple things and then go back upstairs, leaving us to wallow in the horror that has just transpired. We actually count our lucky stars, and realize that since it was dark (and the universe took pity on us and they didn't turn the lights on), they couldn't have seen that we were naked under the thin afghan. We also realize that at the angle they were standing at, they couldn't have seen that the TV wasn't on, and they could possibly think we were just having a very cozy, G-rated movie night. We both breathe a little sigh of relief, thinking that we have narrowly avoided a terrible fate. We start to pick-up our clothes, and then notice my boyfriend's bright-ass orange shorts sitting at the foot of the stairs. A slow turn occurs as we look at each other and realize that there is NO WAY IN HELL that his mother and sister didn't see his pants. We get dressed and head upstairs to eat dinner with his family in shame. Possibly the most awkward dinner of my life. And, to compound on my greatest fuck-up of all time, it turns out that I had what could be the world's largest, most noticeable hickey on my neck. Which, I can only assume, was staring my boyfriend's family in the face whenever we spoke. Now I'm just hoping after this incident that 1) my boyfriend will NOT be grounded 2) I'll be allowed back in their house (with relatively little shame) 3) His family won't think I'm a massive whore and 4) I'll actually be able to look every member of his family in the eye without cringing.
Here's to hoping they don't find out about how long we've been having sex. Or, god forbid, all of the booze and weed.
TL;dr: My boyfriend's goody-two-shoes family almost walked in on me giving him a blowjob, and we thought we covered it up well until they saw his shorts on the floor and my huge-ass hickey.
soalone34: How old are you guys? No offense but you were kind of asking for it, you did hear the garage door open. Did your basement have spare clothes or brandade supplies? If so I would have your boyfriend put on different clothes so his mom would assume the shorts were from somewhere else, also putting a bandaid on your hickey before going up. Anyway sorry to hear that, maybe if you lay low a little while and don't give your parents much to worry about it'll blow over. If not update please.
HelloSquidward: We're 17, and yeah, we were totally asking for it. Definitely learned our lesson though now. We should have probably thought it through more before going upstairs, but of course, in out awkward state we didn't. I'll post an update as soon as I find out from my boyfriend what happened.
soalone34: Ok, I hope things work out for you guys.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1407739883 | 1407766307 | t3_2d7pqr | t5_2to41 | 13 | yt_rnc: TIFU: Gym class sit up set up ends pretty much as expected..
22 years ago.. Grade 11 gym class.. Teacher calls for 1 minute of sit ups with a partner holding your feet as part of some competition or something.
I don't recall being bowel-ologically distressed or anything that day but I just happened to have one of the hottest girls in high school we'll call "Sunset" whom I'd known and been good friends (and had a crush on) for years at that point as my partner for this particular exercise.
I swear the gym teacher planned shit like this for fun. "..Hey I got an idea - Lets put kids lying flat on their backs and make their bodies act like a gastro-intestinal pump and build up back some back pressure in a small exercise room no just full of their peers with pin drop echo acoustics but a partner in close enough proximity to them to hold their feet and see what happens shall we? .."
Unfortunately in my case Sunset opted to use her hands to hold my ankles thusly placing her face directly in the line of "fire" of the ol blast zone.
At this point butterflies kicked in being Sunset's partner at Sunset's request. This came with an unfortunate side effect of said butterflies kick starting the ol digestive process. Some rotten piece of shit decides NOW was a good time to start honking for the right of way.. >.<
I tried to back out to hit the shitter only to have the Teacher nope me right into ignition position. So I am now committed to making it through this when I get caught between the hormone fuelled teenage idiot logic that I'd somehow impress the girl by ripping out (pun intended) some killer sit ups like a boss and common sense telling me to take it slow and not embarrassing myself any more than normal.
For once common sense prevailed and I started off slowly. My one sit up to everyone else's three. I'm puckered as tight as tight and holding my breath, gas pains stabbing inside, so while I'm about ready to assplode at that point all is holding up for the first few sits.. Right up until Sunset and those killer blues make eye contact and she calls me out on "slacking"..
Well the fear of not impressing the girl apparently is an immediate and automatic override of any and all logical caution. I kick it up two gears and almost immediately regret it because about four sit ups later thar she blew. The best I could do was on the way down on number three eye contact was made with Sunset and I squeaked out "Sorry bout this.." and expelled on the way up on four.
Right in her face. There may have been hair blowing in the wind on that trumpet. Here's to hoping her mouth was at least closed.. I am sure that sumbitch echoed and cost at least half the class half their sit ups laughing. I too may have rolled and laughed too. Poor Sunset.
For the record she and I actually remain friends to this day and we apparently put that one behind us since we never spoke about it though she never did ask to partner with me for sit ups again.
RTR2016: If I sits,I shits
yt_rnc: Shit ups!
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407744070 | 1407779907 | t3_2d7tt2 | t5_2to41 | 492 | fishslaughter: TIFU by murdering a very valuable exotic fish
I’m not sure if this is a TIFU or Confession… anyway, I have a beautiful salt-water aquarium. For those who have and maintain these things, you know how much effort, time and money it requires. And while fresh-water aquariums are full of fish worth between $1 and $5, salt-water tanks are the ones with the exotic, beautiful tangs and clown-fish and others which range in price from $50 into the thousands of dollars.
So, my pride and joy, my living-reef... beautifully stocked and maintained aquarium… I was looking at it a couple of days ago and figured that from a visually artistic point of view, it was missing “low” life. By this, I mean that vertically speaking, it was pretty sparse down low. There are a few plants and such, but the majority of my fish inhabit the top two thirds of the tank. So, in the mall there’s this aquarium place… I went to have a look, and discussed it with the guy there, who I’ve spoken to before and is pretty knowledgeable. He suggested a crab. Interesting idea, have a little crab scampering around. What does it eat, I asked? Oh, no worries… scraps that float down and other crud. Self sufficient. Never need to worry about anything.
And he showed me this well-sized crab with this one mutant large claw… interesting freaky creature… ok, sure, why not, let’s try it.
I bought the crab… took it home, put the bag into my tank to acclimatize the temperature… and 20 minutes later, cut the bag open and let the crab floated gently to the bottom. I watched it for about 10 minutes. It walked around, getting a feel for the place… all good. Went out to meet some friends, came home late… the automatic aquarium light had turned off as it should, making nighttime for the fish… all good.
I woke up in the morning and went to feed the fish.
It was like the apocalypse had ridden through there. It was fucking Armageddon. It was the most awful, disgusting, vulgar, repulsive and horrifying vision you can imagine, at least as it might pertain to an aquarium.
This little fucker had gone completely, and I mean completely, apeshit insane. There was nothing left alive in there except the crab. There were hundreds of fish pieces though, most in some state of half-consumed horror. Little eyeballs floating by with the optic nerves floating gracefully behind them. Half a fin. Half a head. Guts, by the pound. Half of my sea-horse, "Seabiscuit".
And there on the bottom, this little fucking monster, with half a tang in his mutant claw, standing on top of another fish piece, munching away. I really can’t begin to express the horror and revulsion of the scene. Thousands of dollars of fish, thousands of hours of my time. One big disgusting freakshow.
I called the aquarium shop, but didn’t manage to do much more than incoherently scream at them and probably scared the shit out of whoever I spoke to.
I netted the crab, threw it in a plastic bag and headed back to the mall.
I’d intended to walk in there and scream until they agreed to give me enough store credit to re-stock my tank, plus pain and suffering and punitive damages… I had all the threats ready in my head.
But as I approached, another idea took hold.
They have their centerpiece aquarium as you walk in, and there’s often a very beautiful and prized and expensive fish in it. $3,000 was the price-tag on this very exotic bat-like fish in there… looked more like a Delta-wing stealth bomber. And so, when no one was looking, I threw in the crab.
Then I wandered to the back to try to speak to someone… and the guy I had screamed at earlier realized who I was and he demanded I leave or he’d call security. He didn’t believe my story and said it was bullshit. Call fucking security I yelled back at him, and it was a pretty ugly back-and-forth when suddenly, there’s this shriek from the front of the store, then another scream and a flurry of activity.
He ran, I followed.
I’m sure you can guess what all the commotion was about… but if you thought it was a grotesque sight, it was worse. Far worse.
The Delta-wing wasn’t going to be doing much flying in its future. Much of anything, really. It was still alive, because it was still breathing, but it wasn’t doing much to get away. Perhaps because it was in shock. Perhaps all the blood it had lost (and was still losing). Perhaps because some of its guts were hanging out from the bottom of its body, which itself was firmly in the grasp of the mutant claw of the possessed beast. The other “normal” claw was picking away at the bottom of the body of the fish, much like you or I might be picking lint off a sweater. It was morbidly fascinating.
I left, quickly. I came home. I decided I needed to write this story down from start to finish, because I’m sure I’m going to be needing to show it to someone. The store owner. The cops. A lawyer.
I’m not entirely sure what to do, but I welcome suggestions. I expect I’ll hear from someone in some way, in the morning.
tl;dr I bought a crab for my aquarium. It killed all my fish. Out of revenge, I took it back to the store and threw it in a tank with a valuable fish, which the crab then slaughtered. I may be in trouble.
-----
UPDATE: I think it'd make sense to give a general update rather than delve into the comments below, many of which are saying the same thing.
First of all, correct, I could've and should've done some research. It wasn't a matter of lazy; it was more a matter of "I've been doing this so long, I know what can happen." If I were new to this hobby, it wouldn't have happened. A quick google on crabs and compatibility would've answered the obvious question, because this has happened to others before. But again, after many years of independent tinkering, either it would thrive or it would die. I've never had anything "react" in this manner. I thought it would just wander along the bottom and mind its own business. It was totally unexpected and unforeseeable, for someone who's done it hundreds of times with no ill effect. Trust me, I feel like a complete fucking moron for it having happened, and it'll certainly never happen again.
The crab was a Fiddler crab. The Delta-Wing was a Pinnatus Batfish.
I paid for the crab with a debit card. They know who I am, very well. This has never been about trying to avoid responsibility... I'm just trying to figure out how to fix it without a criminal record and without it costing me a month's rent.
I sent my story to a lawyer friend of mine, who called me first thing this morning. I suggested we meet for lunch, and when he suggested sushi, I gotta tell you, I laughed so hard I was crying. Just an indication of how much stress this has built up in me.
Anyway, cops haven't called, the store hasn't called. He's going to contact the store on my behalf and try to settle some sort of thing where I pay them and it all goes away. That's clearly the best-case scenario at this point, with the only variable being how much it's going to cost me. Nobody wants or needs a court case or arrest record out of this. I made a mistake, a bad one... an overreaction and a really stupid thing to do... but let's all engage our reality brains for a moment. It's a fucking fish we're talking about. Yeah, I killed a fucking fish. It's not a horrific crime, and if you pay for the fish you killed and/or ate, there's precious little to label as criminal activity.
Poor little batfish, sure... do you know how many fish will die today around the world? I honestly don't. Hundreds of millions? Billions? This one is no more special, just because it died on Reddit. In fact, all things being equal, if I were a fish, being the centre of attention on a Reddit thread is a lot better than being gobbled up anonymously in the middle of the ocean.
You know, at the state fair I like to look at the cows and even pet them. But I might stop and get a Big Mac on the way home, too. As much as I know and enjoy fish, come on people... it's a fish. I'm not going to burn in eternal damnation for purposefully killing a fish. Nor am I going to ("as I should') go kill myself as, as has been suggested below, because I'm an awful psychotic freak contributing to an awful hobby.
FWIW, I'm not an asshole -- I'm just a guy who overreacted in an asshole sort of way, and I recognize it and I'll do what I can to make it right. I have no intention of running and hiding. I fucked up and I'll fix it. I'm not concerned with the legal implications of this thread because I'm not going to hide from the simple facts... I threw that crab into that tank knowing full well what was likely to happen. That the guy at the store didn't believe me didn't help my state of mind. There was certainly some "You don't believe me? Check this out" to my actions. Again, not an excuse, just an explanation.
I'll check back in once my friend hears from the store.
-----
FINAL UPDATE:
I know how bitterly disappointing this update will be to those who want to see me tarred, feathered, drawn and quartered… throw in jail, sued for a million dollars… all for being “accessory to the murder of a fish”. Alas, none of that will happen. Sorry, but grown men with differing interests and opinions have been known to get together and reach amicable solutions without resorting to violence and the criminal justice system.
My buddy the lawyer spoke to the store, who’d in turn already discovered something interesting… notwithstanding I should’ve done some research on my own, what they sold me wasn’t what they thought they were selling me. It wasn’t a Fiddler crab, it was a much more dangerous Stone crab… as they discovered when the one guy in that entire operation that actually knows something showed up after the weekend and heard what happened. And so they were shitting bricks, not just for that but because their stickered $3,000 fish can actually be obtained for far less, something they knew I’d quickly discover.
So, when my “lawyer” called them up, they were suitably distressed and wanted nothing more than to put all of this behind us, forgive and forget and move on. Their first offer, without my guy saying anything, was an offer of $500 towards fish to replace my loss. Yeah, you read that right. I’m the bad guy, but they’re offering me that. They were far less traumatized by the evisceration of their showpiece, and much more concerned that word would get out that they don’t know wtf they’re doing. As part of the “settlement”, I can’t tell anyone about it. They were notified that more than a few people already do, but without any identifying details. Not even what state, let alone city. Mum’s the word. Fine with me.
As a sporting counter-offer which they were no doubt expecting, I asked for $1,000 and we quickly agreed on $750. End of story.
That being said, I’m in no big hurry to spend that money and deal with this again. I’ll no doubt get back into this one day, but I’ve already found a home for the reef and I’ll be thoroughly cleaning out what’ll be nothing more than a glass box a couple of days from now. I will dearly miss it, but Rome wasn’t built in one day and neither was what was in the tank, and the thought of starting from scratch right now is just too much.
And that, as they say when making California rolls… is a wrap.
[deleted]: The exotic fish trade is kept alive by people squirting cyanide onto coral reefs and wiping them out. The best end of this situation is you, and people like you, being tied in nets and dropped into the ocean to feed the crabs yourself.
Tl/dr, die horribly.
Livxx14: Link to proof? Pleeeease?
[deleted]: It's common knowledge, and anyone with a tank knows it and doesn't care.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/tropical-depression-your-saltwater-fish-tank-may-be-killing-the-ocean/
http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2006/aug/06/fishing.food
http://www.fishchannel.com/fish-magazines/freshwater-and-marine-aquarium/august-2008/cyanide-aquarium-fish.aspx
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyanide_fishing
http://dilettantee.wordpress.com/2014/04/14/cyanide-used-to-catch-pet-tropical-fish-in-indonesia-2/
http://www.practicalfishkeeping.co.uk/content.php?sid=5799
OP should kill himself.
poop_squirrel: Seriously, dude? I agree that what the OP did was messed up (and I'm sure he realizes it now, after the fact), but do you honestly believe that wishing suicide upon someone puts you any further up the ladder of sainthood? Good lord. You're just as much a bastard as the OP is.
[deleted]: Yes, since he is the same type of person who would dump toxic waste in a river, or pour oil down the drain.
bigdmagee: So let me get this straight... Because he killed one fish revenging the death of his entire aquarium, you can tell that he the type of person who would destroy entire environments with toxic waste? And you believe that he should "die horribly?"
You Sir, are an idiot.
[deleted]: Anyone involved in the exotic fish trade is responsible for the methods used to collect them which do literally involve spraying poison on coral reefs, that includes the tank owners.
MerfishAWAY: My lfs goes cyanide free, and tank raises and breeds certain fish.
[deleted]: Sure it is. Do they use any wild-caught? If the answer is yes, they and you, are part of the problem.
MerfishAWAY: Yes, but that isnt always a bad thing. If the fish aren't endangered carch them, just like some freshwater fish. The people catching the wild fish arent spraying cyanide on the reefs. And what if some fish go extinct in the wild. They still exist in captivity and could be re introduced to the wild.
[deleted]: > And what if some fish go extinct in the wild.
You are quite possibly the biggest idiot here.
MerfishAWAY: And you only look at the negatives of the aquarium trade. Many species have been found such as types of plecos.
And what makes me an idiot for saying extinct in the wild. Is there another word for that. I dont have a dictionary with me and wont spend time to look for another word to please you. Maybe the yellow tang disappears from the wild, but thousands are breed in captivity. Breeders could create a small population and re introduce to the wild.
[deleted]: You might actually be defective, that's the only possible explanation for this.
MerfishAWAY: You are a dick and thats the reasoning for this.
[deleted]: You're actually stupid enough to brush off a species going extinct in the wild? You think that they can just be reintroduced in small numbers here and there? How old are you?
MerfishAWAY: [Worked with the whooping cranes]( http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/whooping_crane/lifehistory)
| 17 | 28.941176 | |
1407740505 | 1407774218 | t3_2d7qdh | t5_2to41 | 5 | ArmoredCorndog: TIFU by getting too high
So my dad has been dating this woman for almost a year now. She's got a son two years older than me, but we were never really close. A side note, I started messin around with pot. Just smoking for fun with friends and stuff. This dude though, let's call him Joe. Joe is a total pot head, smokes all day every day. Now that my dad and this woman are getting serious, I think he wanted to establish like a bro bond with me. So he invites me to stay at his apartment with him and his gf. I go over, sure enough, joe asks "Hey you smoke right? Cuz i'm boutta smoke if you wanna join" and whips out this huge bong. They warned me too, go easy. I don't know wtf I'm doing because I'm so new so of course I took too big of a hit and start coughing. We laugh it off, ohwell no worries. So i'm sitting on their couch, stoned af, trying to play Battlefront. All of a sudden my head hurts like no other and I have to just sit and breathe. It's not helpin' though, so I ask if it's cool if I shower to try and clear my head. I end up tripping out in their shower, I felt like I was turning into Gollum and I may or may not have taken a shit in their shower. I honestly don't know. I realize I have to get the hell out of the shower and so I change and sit back on the couch. On the couch I start having panic attacks, I couldn't breathe. I thought I was having a stroke and kept fighting passing out because I "thought I wouldn't wake up again", that's the only thing I remember saying. I eventually ended up passing out with Joe playing guitar and singing to me on the floor next to the couch. In the morning I was so fking embarrassed, I kept apologizing and he kept apologizing.
TLDR; Dad's gf's son tries to establish bro bond, I get too high, trip out in their shower, have panic attacks on his couch and eventually just pass out.
StonerJack: Everyone's been where you were that night bro. It's no big deal alright? By the sounds of it, it didn't hurt your new friendship with Joe so it can just be something funny you two can laugh about down the track.
Unless you actually took a shit in his shower.. that's a TIFU for sure.
ArmoredCorndog: I honestly don't know, there's a good chance though.
Bob2456: I think you'd know by now. A shit doesn't just disappear. Unless you cleaned up without knowing, but I doubt you wouldn't remember that.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407741978 | 1407752007 | t3_2d7rt1 | t5_2to41 | 26 | pigucrusader: TIFU by letting my dad see my phone messages
I was sitting with my dad watching TV whilst messaging my girlfriend. Well everything was perfectly normal until my girlfriend decides to send an image of a fox-tail butt-plug, with the comment of "I want to get one of these, they're cute". I quickly tried to close the message but it was too late, my dad must have seen the message because he looked at me with the most horrified look.
For the rest the night I sat there awkwardly, with my dad not saying anything to me until just as I was about to leave my dad went up to me and said "I don't mind whatever you're into son, I don't judge."
TL;DR My dad thinks I likes furry things up the butt.
Edit: Grammar.
Teotwawki69: *I was sitting with.
*Must have seen
*Look on his face -- where the hell else would it be?
*You're into son
TL;DR: C-. Rewrite and resubmit.
pringlepringle: look on his face is a pretty common expression Herr goebbels
Teotwawki69: Nice dodge on the others, Herr Illiterate...
pringlepringle: why would I mention those, they're fine. I pointed out the one which was blatantly stupid and a needless correction
Teotwawki69: It isn't, really. It may a common expression, but it's redundant. It will save you words when it's important if you just write "with a strange look" or similar.
pringlepringle: you missed the word 'be', I win
Teotwawki69: Your teachers must love the fuck out of you. /s
pringlepringle: blahhahahahaharagahgahgahaahaa
| 9 | 2.888889 | |
1407746350 | 1407751743 | t3_2d7w2t | t5_2to41 | 2 | lavenderheart: TIFU walking my large dog
TIFU walking my dog. I've been fostering this large 70 lb dog. I'm 100 lbs myself and I took him on a walk at a park which has a trail around a lake. Stupid decision because I'm walking on the trail and he bolts off the trail to chase a squirrel and yanks me off the trail into the woods and down the bank into the lake. I gripped the leash because I didn't want to lose him and I bruised my hand and nails. My legs are all cut up and bloody. I know its not his fault because all dogs have a prey-drive, but I was still really pissed at him and really embarrassed with all the people gawking at me as I tried to haul my ass up the wooded bank. Has this happened to you? So, this might be the wrong thread, but do you have advice for how to train him? I know exercise is a key component to owning a happy dog, but I can't take him outside if he's going to endanger me. I've seen small people like me own large obedient dogs, so I know it can be done.
Chronicle89: What breed is he?
lavenderheart: He's supposedly a boxer/lab mix. He's usually a low-moderate energy dog, however when he sees wildlife he goes insane and hard to control considering he doesn't have very good recall
Chronicle89: If he's part lab he should be quite easy to train; food / treats are key.
You should probably get yourself a clicker to reinforce good behaviour and then reward with a treat / bit of ham etc.
Have you thought about training classes at all? My sister took her lab to classes when she was a puppy.
You also have to consider the dogs age; between 1-3 they will still have puppy-like energy levels, they will relax a lot more as they get older though.
lavenderheart: I'm not allowed to take him to training classes since he's a foster dog and they are protective over where and what I can do with him. He's 5 years old so he should be relatively mature. He's pretty relaxed in the home, I think being outside overwhelms him though. The concerning thing about him is that he doesn't have the sort of need-to-please personality that I've experienced with my most dogs. We don't really have much of a connection and I feel like he's just sees me as a person that's there, instead of as a caretaker.
I've been trying to use toys as a reward, but I guess I can try treats. He's got some food allergies so I have to careful what I pick. Thanks!
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1407750940 | 1407808885 | t3_2d80b5 | t5_2to41 | 67 | SparkyTheDiamondDog: TIFU by trusting a complete stranger
I work in a drive through. But not just any drive through, a fast food drive through nestled between a WalMart and the interstate. Working there I see several of my dreams from the other side of the glass. Maseratis, amazing beards, and most commonly, dogs. Today I saw what can only be described as the lovechild of mother nature and my wildest fantasies, a full grown, half wolf, half Alaskan malamute. After collecting the drivers money I ask him how old this beautiful beast is. His reply: four years old. I've grown up with big dogs and can't resist the urge to stick my hand towards it. I ask, "may I?" the gentleman driving tells me to go ahead, he's a really nice dog! So I reach forward to claim my prize! A pet on the head of a beautiful dog! The dog leans forward farther out the window and puts his head down to let me pet him. Nearly an inch away from glory, the dog snaps its head up and bites my fingers. I yank my hand back only to see my middle finger bleeding pretty steadily. Unable to feel it yet I hand out the order with my non bleeding hand and let my manager know what happened. He called me a dumbass and told me to go get it looked at and he'd get someone to cover me. One hospital trip later and I've got three stitches in my middle finger and a dumb story to tell my friends.
Teotwawki69: And your manager was totally right -- you are a dumbass.
iamthejed: Nevertheless I say hold the dog owner accountable. He should have said "no, my dog is nice but this isn't the dog park ... this is the foodplace, now give me my noms!" anytime an animal attacks a human being the owner should be held responsible (unless provoked).
Let the downvotes begin!
kuavi: Why is this getting downvoted? OP asked permission before petting the dog. The owner should have had some clue his dog is at least somewhat aggressive.
WhipWing: OP works at a place that sells food. I am sure from standing in there all day he smelled like food. The dog is not accountable nor is the owner, OP was.
gyrfalcon16: The owner is a 100% accountable for his pet. Dogs don't snap at food, they eat it... The dog was aggressive.
I have a dog that people love to pet. I'm very careful of the way I let him approach people and his interactions with them. If he bites someone its completely my fault.
kuavi: So if I make a chicken dinner, I shouldn't be surprised if my dog bites me because I smell like chicken?
If that was true, nobody would own dogs because they would get bitten all the time.
| 7 | 9.571429 | |
1407755111 | 1407763142 | t3_2d83z4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | AlSimps: TIFU by getting diahorrea while wild camping
poohspiglet: Rule #10: All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday. These grew extremely tiresome and there was great clamor for their removal. So kindly post them on Saturday only.
AlSimps: Sorry - will do next time
| 3 | 1 | |
1407748502 | 1407778141 | t3_2d7y3x | t5_2to41 | 4 | morallygreypirate: TIFU by watching a bad horror movie
Unlike many of the TIFU stories I've seen around here, this actually took earlier today/last night.
For her graduation/birthday party, my little sister decided she wanted to screen Trolls 2 with her friends because it was, and I sort-of quote, "the best worst movie [she] had ever seen." Past that, she kept both the general plot and the case a fairly tightly-held secret. She's been planning this thing for *months*.
Fast forward to today.
For some background, I have general anxiety and various things can set this off, including horror movies. I've always been pretty bad with them, but my anxiety makes things even worse because it could be the absolute worst horror movie in the world and really not that scary, yet I'd still probably be terrified of it anyway. Because of this, I generally duck out of the room and find other things to do if I know there's going to be horror movies being watched. The key phrase here is "if I know".
So tonight, my dad and I (mostly my dad) set up the projector and the laptop etc etc so my sister and all the people who showed up to the party can watch the movie. I only got brief glances at the case during all of this because I was busy helping with stuff elsewhere at the same time.
The movie starts and it's not too bad, but then all the horror movie-type stuff starts. That should have been my cue to get the hell outta Dodge, but because I'm needed in the party, I can't just disappear until the movie finished. In addition, my sister apparently decided the volume needed to be super-high so even if I DID successfully manage to leave, I'd still have to listen to every word.
So now, here I am. Seven hours after the movie and the party ended and I still can't sleep and I'm terrified that not only will I get eaten by some of the worst goblin costumes known to humankind if I eat anything or take a shower, my family will end up like that, too, even though it was an absolutely shitty movie and I know it for what it is.
TL;DR: Accidentally watched a shitty horror movie and managed to set my anxiety off. Now I can't sleep, eat, or bathe without fear of getting eaten by shitty goblin costumes.
serpentwhistler: Terrible story. Sorry for your loss. And I apologize for being an asshole.
morallygreypirate: Yeah, I figured. -shrug-
I was more sharing in the hopes it would eventually help me relax and eventually get some sleep (it did) so at least it served it's purpose. :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407754818 | 1407762408 | t3_2d83oi | t5_2to41 | 2 | Wade_W_Wilson: TIFU by complimenting a guy on his tattoo
I work in a very positive workplace so people usually compliment each other on random things. Today's conversation went like this.
Me: "Wow, that's a nice tattoo (all black ink tattoo). Which one of the Apes is it? It's from Planet of the Apes right?"
Him: "No, it's the Linux Penguin"
Me:"............"
g0ldbar: I had to look it up, looks fucking retarded. At least an ape would have been manlier. Don't let it ruin your day.
Epimetheus98: sudo apt-get --purge remove g0ldbar
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407756769 | 1407801111 | t3_2d85mb | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not telling parents about failing some subjects
So a little backstory first. I'm a 20 years old dude studying computer science at a university. Last semester I failed 3 courses, but made it to the next semester, though knowing my mothers nature I've decided to keep my grades to myself. Everything went okay until today. My mother came to me to ask me about my login to school system so that she can check my grades. I haven't told her the login yet, but I think I'm fucked already. So what do I do? Or am I fucked for good?
ggqq: you're 20 - which means you're responsible for all of your own shit now. Don't give your mom your school login info - that's specifically for you to deal with. She actually doesn't have the right to know if you don't want to tell her. So yeah - deal with it maturely and tell her there's a lot of sensitive information on there which also deals with security, so you can't tell her that as per the school code.
foulmouthangel: That's a cop out. Especially if the parents are paying for anything.
ggqq: either way it's against code and standard practice to share your login details.
| 4 | 1 | |
1407759447 | 1407836746 | t3_2d88g5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Vampill: TIFU by laying down on my couch
So like most TIFUs, this didn't happen today. It happened around last year but still makes me cringe like nails on my chalkboard.
A little backstory; I'm a young, spoiled teenager. My parents purchased a second home for vacations in France a few years ago. We visit often, almost every weekend in fact. But I've always noticed there dwell a lot of insects in that house. They usually don't bother me and do their own thing, but the one thing I despise in that house is wasps. They are quite common during some times of year there, so I hate going there at those times. It also happens to be very cold at those times.
I am also a big fan of knives and have a lot of them.
One night, I was on my way to this house and had made an appointment with a person who lived along the way to this vacation house. He wanted to sell me some knives for a very good price and I bought them without regret.
Finally our road trip was over and we arrived at the house. I usually sleep on the couch in the room with our TV (because I'm lazy) and decided it was about time to tuck myself in.
As I laid down, I felt an incredibly powerful sting under my arm. At first I thought I had laid down on my knife and I had received a small cut. But when I looked to see if my knife was actually under my arm, boom.
A big fucking wasp was walking around right there under my arm, looking for a warm spot to sleep I'd assume. I fell off the couch trying to back away and asked my father for some cream to put on the sting wound.
TL;DR: I laid down to sleep on my couch, got stung by a wasp under my arm, thinking I had laid down on one of my knives.
OneManGOONsquad: So you fucked up by getting stung by a bug?
Vampill: Exactly!
OneManGOONsquad: Not really
Vampill: Honestly, the fuckup was really that I didn't bother to check the couch of my bug infested house.
| 5 | 1 |
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