start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1407759176 | 1407984799 | t3_2d884y | t5_2to41 | 50 | N4MMER: TIFU by burning a spider's leg near my bed
Something I deeply regret will now haunt me as I thought tonight would be one of those typical evenings. At first I never noticed but this whole time a spider had built a large web that connects almost near my door and my bedroom frame... I could say I'm somewhat lucky being average height since I missed it by an inch each time I stepped out that door.
Later on that night, I had a weird conscience. It wasn't a good one either and BAM!!! I noticed it right infront of my eyes..... it stared back at me. Practically taunting me with it's gruesome nature. At that point I was at the WTF stage. And just start charging towards my computer, trying my hardest to avoid its disgusting ass. I knew I should deal with it before he disappears into another spot. So I walked closer to see if I could turn the lights on in my room,sadly it's right next to the door and right where the spider is.. so I retreated back to my fortress of solitude. I just stared at it with my flashlight. Giving it the you gonna get popped son look. It wasn't long till I finished debating what I should do.
Either I could capture it in a jar or kill it immediately somehow... so I thought of burning it with a lit up cigarette extended by a fork. I decided that it was the best option for me, to use the fire spear to fight this terrifying prey. Being high, I could accidently fuck up if I captured it in the jar since I couldn't deal with close physical combat. It's the final moment, as my heartbeat starts racing as I get closer to my foe. I attack it once and it starts shaking vigorously. I could see I burnt his leg and somehow I could see it was pissed. Strike two and I can't tell if I'm doing anything to it! The monster's sprinting back to no man's land above my bed. I desperately try to end the battle right then and there... He slipped right past my defense and disappeared into the night.
I watch as I have just witnessed defeat... knowing that he's still out there. Watching. Waiting. And I have to sleep cause I'm really tired and this just happend 30 minutes ago. I dunno what that bastard will do but i'm sure he's planning on something with his spider homies... Damn you Arachnophobia :(
hotalmond: spiders are good they kill the real enemy ^flies!
apachestop: Don't worry about flies. At least you can shoot them out of the air yourself with a rubber band!
Chukwuuzi: And pregnant ones explode and send maggots everywhere.
N4MMER: ... fuckin maggots r disgusting
| 5 | 10 | |
1407761051 | 1407763487 | t3_2d8abz | t5_2to41 | 10 | DiscoDanTheDiscoMan: TIFU by trusting my twin brother
So this happened about a year ago and it has made me a little scared of sharp objects since. So I have a twin brother and he's just like one of my friends so I trust him a fair bit. Well one day we were in the backyard chopping down a tree with saws and pruning shears. All was going well but we knew that we had to cut up the branches into even smaller parts for them to fit in the bin, so we start cutting some of them up. My brother gets the great idea for me to hold the stick while he quickly chops away at it getting closer and closer to my hand, efficiently cutting the branch into small pieces.
He keeps cutting closer and just as I'm about to let him know he may be getting a bit too close, he chops the top of my thumb almost completely off. Blood is dripping from it and according to him I started running inside before taking my thumb out of the shears which probably pulled a bit more on it. We went to the hospital and I got microsurgery done on it to reattach it and get it back to normal. I spent 8 and a half hours in hospital and didn't get to eat lunch until 9:30pm. About 6 weeks with a bandage and then a few more weeks while the nail grew back until it was back to normal-ish.
I still have a physical scar from it as well as a mental scar causing me to be slightly terrified of scissors and/or clippers.
TLDR; I held a branch while my twin brother cut off my thumb with pruning shears.
These are the type of [shears](http://m.imgur.com/ykriOHp) he used. They are surprisingly sharp.
g0ldbar: My grandfather once told me to never hold a nail for some one else to swing a hammer at. The reasoning could be used in this case.
DiscoDanTheDiscoMan: Agreed.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1407761023 | 1407762893 | t3_2d8ab3 | t5_2to41 | 13 | candyrainbow: TIFU by opening my big mouth.
And we've been having a huge fruit fly problem lately...
Me - 2
Fruit flies.... well, I consider this 1.
Gross.
hank_moo_d: TIFU by reading this.
wofedoge: this. made me laugh
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407763472 | 1407796460 | t3_2d8deu | t5_2to41 | 433 | KaptianKrush: TIFU by not disposing of my condoms properly
Like most TIFU this did not happen today. When I was in highschool my girlfriend and I would get hot and heavy in my parents basement because the upstairs was sweltering hot in the summer. This was our cool bang resort. Since she was not on the pill and I didn't want a miniature version of myself, we used condoms (as you should). Once we were done the deed I would dispose of the sin-filled rubbers in our garbage bin in the laundry room. It is important to note that this garbage was rarely used and that means it was rarely changed.
Fast forward a few months. I have moved half-way across the country and since broken up with said girlfriend and the long forgotten condoms. My mom gives me a call one night and we are having a nice casual conversation then she says "So, Kaptiankrush. Guess what I had to clean today?" I have no idea Mom. Then she goes on to tell me how she put the garbage out and the birds got in to it, strewing my semen filled condoms all over the road, leaving her to pick them all up. I'm not talking about one or two condoms here. I'm talking about upwards of twenty condoms all over the road.
She was not impressed, but all I could do was laugh at her misfortune. Having to clean her son's love mess off the road. Sorry Mom.
liveinisrael: At least your mother cleaned them up after you broke your arms.
KaptianKrush: Broke my arms?
threestardot: meaning you had no gf and you jerked off regularly with a condom on until your arms broke. i think that's what he was getting at.
KaptianKrush: May... Maybe? Fuck this place is weird. I just wanna tell people about my mom cleaning up my semen. Is that too much to ask?
YoshiMan228: It's a reference to an infamous reddit post that starts with a guy breaking his arms and ends with him banging his mom.
[deleted]: What?
TheKamikazeEgg: It's a reference to an infamous reddit post that starts with a guy breaking his arms and ends with him banging his mom.
| 8 | 54.125 | |
1407765396 | 1407766697 | t3_2d8g5z | t5_2to41 | 11 | eoswald: TIFU by releasing the jungle juice too late
Several years ago, when I was in college and living off campus I threw a party at my residence for about 40 of my friends. We had a keg of typical beer (say, PBR) and drank if during and after watching a baseball game. Earlier in the day I had made some jungle juice - mixing fruit (strawberries, oranges, grapes, etc.), fruit juice (e.g. Hawaiian punch, orange juice, lemonade) and mid-grade liquors. I may mention that this group casually would smoke weed and frequently got hammered - pros they say.
People during the game said "hey where is the jungle juice?" To which I told them, I want to break it out after we've finished most of the keg - for whatever reason. Anyhow we did just that and everyone seemed to enjoy it. BUT I fucked up in two ways: 1) every single member of the party blacked out -- literally not a single person (not roommates either) remembered much after the juice was released (let alone how they got home, etc.); and 2) the next morning I found the carpets to the entire apartment looked like Dr. Kermit Gosnell had a free abortion clinic in the joint. Dark red stains with fruit smashed into it every few feet over the whole place.
TL;DR: provided the jungle juice after party was drunk - blackouts, vomits/spills abounded
hedzup456: Here is your fuck-up spoken by a computer:
http://soundcloud.com/tifu_reader_bot/reddit-comment-2d8g5z
*I am a bot created by /u/hedzup456 - message him with complaints or feedback.*
Edit:
You were the first test of the bot's code on my account, as I do not have a bot account yet. Thanks!
eoswald: word - that's dope
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407767279 | 1407855208 | t3_2d8j4c | t5_2to41 | 93 | Aersor: TIFU By going for a NSA Fuck.
So this just happened last night. I am on my Grindr checking out the talent. Then i get messaged by a guy up for some NSA (No Strings Attached). Now at this moment i am extremely horny so i decide to go along with it. He picks me up and i get into the car and he is very very hyper and excited. When i arrive at his place i notice a large amount of empty bottles of alcohol. We start talking first before action may happen. I notice where he lives I once hooked up with a guy living in the same place. The guy then starts pouring whiskey telling me that he messaged me on grindr tonight as he thinks his boyfriend is cheating and wants to get even with him as he has been drinking since 6:30 that evening. So foolishly I ask does he know a guy called lets call him "John". This guy gives me a strange look then shows me a picture of is his boyfriend ........... its John !!!!. At this point the guy realizes that his boyfriend is in fact cheating.
At that moment I just think to myself shit!!!! WTF have i done??. Now the guy starts drinking even more starts tearing up the pictures of his boyfriend throwing them on the floor , peeing on them , literally peeing on them !!!!!.He then turns up the music starts stripping in front of me he then proceeds to seduce me.I reject his advances as its not in my nature to take advantage of a drunk dude.After a small bit of rejecting he started to pass out. I had to carry him to his bed and tuck him in at this point he was completely smashed. I made sure he was safe in his bed and then left the house never to return again.
TLDR: Went for a NSA Shag , ended up on a babysitting date breaking up a 4 year long term relationship.
EDIT 1: The guy has just messaged me asking for me to come over tonight this time and said he said he wont be drinking.
jesterspaz: ASOSA (All Sorts Of Strings Attached)
techtechtechtech: MIMOSA (Multiple Imaginable Manners Of Strings Attached).
It's a morning drink for a reason, because you dun Goof'd.
jesterspaz: Mimosa -- "I want alcohol at 11am, but in a socially acceptable fashion"
Bootswithderfuhrer: I thought that was what Bloody Marys are for
jesterspaz: I'm at a social gathering, i want to drink but i have not eaten yet... and i dont want to look like an alcoholic. Bloody Mary it is.
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1407767872 | 1407796146 | t3_2d8k3t | t5_2to41 | 4,723 | WookieMcspunion: TIFU by looking at some cheerleaders
I was driving home on a small residential street and noticed some cheerleaders practicing right off the side of the road. They were straight ahead and I had to make a left turn. I was still kind of glancing back at them while making the turn and didn't see caution sandwich board thing construction workers use to mark their work area. I ended hitting the sign and sinking my front left tire into a pothole full of hot blacktop. I'm thinking I'm going to get my ass kicked by some construction workers when one of them approaches me asking me if me and my car are ok. I told him I was fine and very sorry. He said don't worry about it. We were watching them too.
[deleted]: Huhhhh.... I wonder if my practices ever caused commotions like this.
CrazyKilla15: If you PM some video examples, i'll be happy to tell you if they are likely to have.
[deleted]: Hahaha sorry but no. Given the crap I post I'm not going to have my high schools name available :p
CrazyKilla15: Well then keep it private, i won't tell :p
All the internet will know is whether you are likely to have caused incidents or not :3
asmall_boys_trowsers: The thirst is strong with this one.
FlyingChainsaw: The first one was funny in a creepy way, the rest are just creepy.
[deleted]: You kinda get used to it.
JustAPaddy: I bet if you stopped showing your tits the creepy messages would stop... Just throwing that out there.
[deleted]: Lol that message is not that creepy, first off. Second, I don't post for attention (I do enjoy it but not the main reason), I post for my own reasons and would do so even if I got no views.
JustAPaddy: *Says she doesn't post for attention*
- Posts naked photos of herself online
- Created her own sub reddit for herself
- Seems to have an extremely patronizing attitude
- Making a tiny scene because she is mad that someone is calling her a catfish
... I gotta go with attention whore on this one.
[deleted]: Already explained the first one, I made my own subreddit because people asked me to, sorry have a bit of an attitude when people are annoying, and the last answer is pretty much the same.
JustAPaddy: I'm really not trying to be a bitch but c'mon. You do it for attention.
[deleted]: No... I don't. Very few girls post solely for the attention.
I do it for stress relief. It is the only thing I've found that keeps me sane and not selfharming. For the record, yes, I am in therapy and have been since the age of 16 when I turned in my long-time abuser and helped put her behind bars.
Again, I'd post whether I got views or not. Compliments are just a nice perk.
JustAPaddy: You are throwing out like all the signs of an attention whore.
Nude pics? Check
Heartbreaking story? Check
Still defending it? Check
If you don't do it for attention you wouldn't keep replying to me.
[deleted]: Yeah because the desire to protect myself from accusations by random assholes is more proof I'm an attention whore...
JustAPaddy: Accusations from random assholes shouldn't matter. I have had tons of accusations brought up on here against me. Either prove it or shut up about it. I decided to prove it, you haven't but you won't shut up about it because it is getting you some attention.
[deleted]: Prove what exactly? My identity? I provide proof. Four different proofs in fact. Or that I'm not an attention whore? You've already blatantly shown that that will be impossible given the way you blew off my comment.
You're being a fucking asshole, in other words.
JustAPaddy: I am a bit of a cunt, yes.
But people were asking for you to send them proof. All you did was show them old photos of "you". That's not actual proof.
I actually don't care if you are who you say you are or not... I was just pointing some things out.
[deleted]: Photos of me that show my username and are time-stamped with the original posting date. IE, the exact proof they wanted from me... Just not taken exclusively for them.
JustAPaddy: You post photos of your tits and ass online for the world to see, but you won't take one pic(fully clothed even) for someone just asking you to provide proof.
I'm done with this though. I've made my point and I am done. This isn't fun anymore, it's just kind of sad now.
[deleted]: You're right, I won't. *Exactly how many people do you think demand proof of me, in comments and in PMS?* I do not have the time to do that for so many people. The point of verifying with the website or subreddit is so that I DONT HAVE TO with every random person who asks. Why is that such a complicated concept Jesus.
Pornhub and fetlife have even seen my *actual freaking drivers license* in order to prove my age and identity.
JustAPaddy: It was no more than one person asking for proof in this thread. He even said he would keep it private.
I also was like, fuck it... I'll look at her sub for any other attention whore traits.
...You are making money off of these people? That's actually a little despicable. Looking at the downvotes on that post it seems that your little fans think it is despicable as well.
No offense of course. I just don't see why you are defending yourself by saying you aren't something that you are.
I have an even bigger following than you on here and I have never once showed my tits. Get some respect for yourself and stop being an attention whore.
[deleted]: One person in this thread is obviously equivalent to one person ever, over all of the internet. Stop with the straw man arguments here; I said I was tired of getting this shit *period* not from that one person. I verified with websites as a whole to avoid doing it for every single user of the site individually.
Yes, I have. I don't see how that's despicable at all; they want a specific type of video, I make the video. The fact that I'm able to fulfill specific requests, BTW, just proves I'm real. I don't see any down votes BTW; it is positive.
I'm done defending myself to you. Nothing I say will convince you I'm not in this for attention, so I'm done. Have a great day.
JustAPaddy: Once again *I* wasn't the one that called you fake, I called you an attention whore.
As for the downvotes... http://i.imgur.com/E1fWLrs.png
| 25 | 188.92 | |
1407767279 | 1407776111 | t3_2d8j4f | t5_2to41 | 45 | Ilayer: TIFU by telling my boyfriend I'm cheating.
My relationship with my boyfriend is long-distance, and there are trust issues due to mistakes on my part. We're trying to overcome these problems, but it's still rocky at times.
I just spent five days visiting him, which all went pretty well. When I got on the plane to fly home, I was sending him all sorts of cutesy messages conveying how I was feeling, "I miss you already," and its ilk.
Right before we left the ground, I decided to turn airplane mode off and text him one last time. The message, as I thought it, was, "I'm cheating the rules by turning my phone on right before takeoff so I can tell you 'I love you' one more time!"
However, the front wheels of the plane lifted off the ground as I was typing, and for brevity, I sent, "I'm cheating. Love you!"
As we passed into the cloud layer, my phrasing repeated through my head, and I realized that I'm a fucking idiot.
So I ended up having to leave him in suspense for over two hours thinking I was cheating on him. Not the best way to heal a damaged relationship.
**Edit for follow up:** So this happened on Sunday. He sent me a couple "WTF" type messages while I was in the air, and as soon as I landed I texted him and explained the mistake and apologized. He didn't respond, so I called him. Twice. No answer. A few minutes later, he texted to tell me, "I'm talking to my parents, cheater." At that point it was cutesy, not blaming.
I apologized to him a number of times when we talked later that night. He accepted the first apology and then told me it was fine every time I repeated it after that.
quelnae: Psh you could have texted on the plane. If it was a huge super danger, they wouldn't let you bring communication devices on the aircraft. Think of all the grandma's who have a cell phone stashed in their purse who have no idea how it works.
Ilayer: It wasn't the fear of texting while on the plane, it was the lack of signal. Although as the boyfriend (yes, still boyfriend) reminded me later, he has occasionally gotten signal at 30,000ft, and so I may have been able to as well.
_bncc: > (yes, still boyfriend)
Then is more a TI than a TIFU, no real disaster
Ilayer: We're still together. Doesn't mean he wasn't upset. We've been together through much worse over the last ~2 years, but this definitely wasn't a good thing.
100mTortoiseFinal: sounds like you put this guy through an awful lot of fairly horrific shit.
Ilayer: I tell one story and you suddenly know everything I've done? That's amazing!
| 7 | 6.428571 | |
1407767625 | 1407773445 | t3_2d8jpo | t5_2to41 | 23 | throwaway_no_au_plz: TIFU by having a memory lapse.
*It was a Monday*
*A day like any other day*
*I left a small town*
*For the ~~Apple~~ Lion in decay...*
Sorry, couldn't resist some Foreigner lyrics since I've got a long Monday left ahead of me.
_____
After a great weekend I awoke to head into work. A little sore, a little tired, but I had my eight hours of sleep and no morning meetings. I showered up, scratched a score and change of bug bites all over my legs, back, and butt. I hopped in my car and headed in to work. Damn bug bites were making me itchy as hell so I was scratching and wiggling around in my seat the whole way in. My car smelled a little weird but I figured the gallon of gas I keep in the trunk had leaked a bit again.
Got in to work. Bug bites itched all to hell. Rather than scratch my ass (my work space has zero privacy to a busy hallway) I kept using the wiggle/rub trick. 9:30 rolled around and like clockwork my body alerted me that it was time for my morning constitution. So I headed over to the bathroom and dropped my pants & underwear.
*Hello shitstain!*
I was utterly dumbfounded but a quick wipe of my ass confirmed that my eyes were functioning correctly. Since then I have racked my brain but I simply cannot recall taking a shit this morning. I showered, brushed my teeth, grabbed clean underwear, dressed and left for work. My only conclusion is that I must have taken a post-shower shit and totally forgotten not only that I had taken a shit, but to even wipe my ass.
Well, since it really couldn't get any worse I finished my shit and cleaned up with extreme prejudice, taking off the first layers of skin to make sure I got it all. That wiggling to scratch those 'itchy bug bites' had not done me any favors. Thankfully my underwear had done it's job but this battle was far from over.
The bathroom I had selected was quite busy and I was unable to find an opportunity to remove and dispose of my underwear. So I pulled it all back up, grabbed some paper towels, and relocated to a more quiet bathroom on the other side of the building. Here, I only had to wait out one other stall to gain my needed privacy. Success! I removed my underwear (plus a wipe or two to make sure I hadn't recontaminated myself) and wrapped them in the paper towels. As I headed to dispose of the package I heard the bathroom door swing open. God damn it. So I shoved the package into my pocket (triple layered paper towels, my pants are fine if you are that curious), washed my hands, and left to find a third bathroom...
I went down a floor to another bathroom only to find three people hanging out and having a a conversation. TAKE YOUR FUCKING CONVERSATION TO THE HALLWAY LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. But it's not like I can open the door, see them, and back out. That's just weird. So I went to the stalls and waited them out too. Finally, I disposed of the package by shoving it to the bottom of the trash bin.
I am now going commando at work, AMA.
Edit: A couple missing/wrong letters.
Edit2: **TL;DR:** I musta took a post shower shit and immediately forgot, even before I wiped my ass. Drove to work and didn't notice I had mud butt until two hours later when I went to take another shit. Hijinks ensued as I tried to find a vacant bathroom to dispose of my underwear in.
[deleted]: This story creates far more questions than it answers.
throwaway_no_au_plz: Prolly shoulda done a TLDR since I tried to mask the fuckup till halfway in to match up with my experience.
TL;DR: I musta took a post shower shit and immediately forgot, even before I wiped my ass. Drove to work and didn't notice I had mud butt until two hours later when I went to take another shit. Hijinks ensued as I tried to find a vacant bathroom to dispose of my underwear in.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1407774100 | 1407810553 | t3_2d8v1a | t5_2to41 | 7 | PM_Me_for_friend: TIFU by having socks in my pocket
Happened an hour ago. I was filling up with gas and put my wallet on the top of my car for some reason. After I filled up I didn't check for it because the weight and space That my wallet normally takes it up was occupied by socks that I put there because my hungover ass . Good thing that gas is enough to get me home because I'm 300 miles away from home. I have some phone calls to make when I get home. Oh well shit happens
hank_moo_d: By reading the title, i saw it going through a totally different direction.
MellowHellNo: Hell, I'm almost disappointed.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407781921 | 1407791800 | t3_2d8zzm | t5_2to41 | 5 | CrossWired: TXT: We had some good things about us that I thought we might want to entertain until either of us find someone more suited for long term entertainment, thoughts?
rob_var: TXT: DTF tonight?
CrossWired: Depending on their relationship, yours might be better.
parox91: idk why you guys got downvoted. i chuckled and think this should be the route to take.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407778577 | 1407810597 | t3_2d9395 | t5_2to41 | 16 | caughtslipping: TIFU by wanking in front of my brother (NSFW)
My family built a new house and my room is in the basement. Currently, I'm the only person living in the new house. My room has no curtains up to the windows and they're kind of in the ground, so anyone walking by can peer down and see what's going on. The other night I got in pretty late, and I decided to have a wank before bed. I plugged my computer up to my TV, put on some porn and went to town.
Now, because there were no curtains up and you can look right in from up on the lawn, I started under my blanket and as I got more comfortable I kicked the blanket off and that was that. I had a feeling someone was watching, but just chalked it up to paranoia. I finished, cleaned up, turned off the porn and put on The Winter Soldier.
The next night I was over at the old house using the wifi to Skype with friends when my brother comes in. He and the rest of my family had been out of town for the day, but only he came home (the others stayed in a hotel). He starts playfully questioning me about whether I had someone hidden in the house with me or if I were jacking off "like I caught you doing last night." I thought he was just joking. Surely he hadn't seen me in the new house? Turns out he did. He watched me wank from up on the lawn. I knew he was telling the truth because he said when I was done that I "...got up and turned on some Marvel movie." I don't feel safe anymore and my brother is some sort of creep.
alidra47: eww i think he watched for to long.
caughtslipping: Yes, he did. He said it was for 5 minutes, but it may have been less - I'm not sure. Any amount of time over like 5 seconds is too long. If I happen upon someone jacking it, I'm not going to stand there and watch them. I'll look (and most likely) walk away.
smokinporch: But you gotta catch the big finale! 😅
| 4 | 4 | |
1407776494 | 1407808376 | t3_2d8zgg | t5_2to41 | 950 | mipyman1: TIFU by telling a girl I wanted her cock
Like most stories on here, this happened a while ago,a year and a half ago to be exact. So I apologize in advance.
It was right before Christmas break of my freshman year, and we were happening upon the biotech unit of our course which means we were split up into groups of four for the remainder of our course.
Everyone in my group exchanged phone numbers so we could swap notes electronically while we were not together.
After an experiment pertaining to Electrophoresis, a group member, Jill, texted me asking for a picture of the gel block.
Now I had an Iphone at the time, and one of the features is the ability to add text shortcuts such as "omw" automatically correcting to "on my way". Well a friend had managed to take my phone and make a shortcut turning "lol" into "I want your cock in my mouth"
At first I send the wrong picture which Jill points out to which I reply with the actual picture,
"My Bad, lol"
which I hit send to before I could see the correction it made
"My bad, I want your cock in my mouth"
I don't think we made eye contact the rest of the course.
EDIT: accidentally a word
Yawehg: That's what you get for using "lol" all willy-nilly you fucker.
mipyman1: Well I switched to using Haha, until same friend switched "haha" to "there's a fetus in the oven if you want some", shortly after.
Cmastris: I think you should get a lock on your phone...
mipyman1: I had one, then changed it after the first incident. I guess he watched me punch it in the second time.
CharredHam: True friends don't let other true friends eat an entire cooked fetus alone.
mipyman1: That's right, its a delicacy to be shared.
Thursdayftw: Let's hold a banquet?
CaptAhabsMobyDick: that's not really a question.
| 9 | 105.555556 | |
1407777014 | 1407798620 | t3_2d90ct | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by mastrubating infront of a maid
This happened yesterday but it's hit and miss internet connection.
About mid day I left the pool and went to the room to have a tactical wank like many people would.
I have my iPad in front of me and browse gonewild until I find a decent photo. Towards the end I hear a knock on the door, but I brush it off because if it's my parents they can't get in as I have the key, so I think to myself 'I will finish quickly then clean up'. This is where it all went wrong, apparently the maids in the hotel are ninjas as just as I am about to cum I see one of the maids just staring at me in the corner of my eye. I try to cover up and quickly pull my shorts up. Then just before the purple headed warrior was covered I cummed all over the floor, the maids just says 'back later so sorry' I clean up quickly and hear her speaking to someone and laughing. I really didn't feel like leaving the room but managed to gain the courage to sprint out.
Needless to say she came back and did the room and did a decent job.
oneknocka: the things maids see....
rob_var: it reminds me of that video of a muscular guy wearing a dress and sucking a dildo in a hotel and the maid walks in lol
worriedmtgdork: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81116710/
rob_var: I'm at work but thats probably it. Add NSFW
worriedmtgdork: It's not NSFW, he's clothed and sucking on a piece of plastic.
RandomRedditUser24: explain that to my boss...
worriedmtgdork: I thought this was 'merica.
| 8 | 9.375 | |
1407781240 | 1407869904 | t3_2d98fj | t5_2to41 | 39 | cgatlanta: TIFU by video taping a high school modern dance class.
This didn't happen today. It happened almost 30 years ago and it still haunts me. Not every day, but sometimes it shoots to the forefront of my consciousness. My stomach will drop a little and my brow will sweat. Almost 30 years.
I went to a rather large high school. We had a very developed technology department for the early eighties. Our morning announcement were delivered via CCTV. In order to run this small video empire. They had classes for AV geeks throughout the day to record and deliver content. One day I was asked to film every high school boys dream.
Yes, I was tasked with video taping the girls modern dance class. We were to video all of their routines over the course of a few days. Hours of early '80s jazzercise outfits. Little Olivia Newton-Johns, Suszanne Summers, Pat Benatars etc...
Me and the AV geeks getting secret and up close action to the best (and limberest) of the class. Music, sweat...girls. We sat back and fantasized about each one.. Soon we start to discuss exactly what we would do to each one individually. Some we better for pushin', some could lose a couple lb's, some were perfect and needed to be humbled.
All fun. We finished our project and turned in the results. They used these tapes daily to track their progress. Daily.
Soooooooo, guess where the microphone pick up was located on this early 80s video camera. You guessed it. The camera.
It had recorded every word, every fantasy, every comment on weight, lack of talent...everything. Good news is I didn't have to worry about girls or dating until I went to college 500 miles away.
12SleepyHead34: So it aired?
cgatlanta: It was only used in their class. Just the dancers got the see/hear it.
12SleepyHead34: Even worse.. good story though
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1407777924 | 1407828932 | t3_2d91zr | t5_2to41 | 43 | journeyman369: TIFU - I scared a little girl on the bus to the point of weeping loudly and didn't mean to.
Sometimes I have a tic where I roll my eyes up all the way and only the white parts can be seen. I got on a bus and this happened as I was taking a seat and a little 4-year-old girl (she could have been 5 - I don't know..) sitting with the mother starts crying super loud saying that I'm scary. I don't know if I fucked up or what, but I didn't mean to scare a little kid due to my tic :SSSSSS It rarely happens anyway - only when I'm very stressed, anxious or drink way too much coffee. And yesterday was a shit day at the office.
ParisianZee: Wow, that's the first time I've heard of someone having the same tick as my ex-Gf of 3 years, for the same reasons. She would do that exact same thing. When she was stressed out or particularly tired or anxious, she would do the roll-up blink. It was so strange.
When I pointed it out though, after a while it went away. But f-me I thought I'd never hear about this again ahah.
rough_bread: Well maybe you can explain it to me better... A tick? Like the bug?
journeyman369: ..guess I spelled it wrong.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tic_disorder
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Tic disorder**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tic%20disorder): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Tic disorders__ are defined in the *[Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders)* (DSM) based on type (motor or phonic) and duration of [tics](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tic) (sudden, rapid, nonrhythmic movements). Tic disorders are defined similarly by the [World Health Organization](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Health_Organization) ([ICD-10](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ICD-10) codes).
>
---
^Interesting: [^Tourette ^syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tourette_syndrome) ^| [^Tic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tic) ^| [^Treatment ^of ^Tourette ^syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treatment_of_Tourette_syndrome) ^| [^Tourettism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tourettism)
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theholyjuicebox117: I had no idea this existed
theholyjuicebox117: Lets do a little test of its capabilitie
http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Reddit
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1407781654 | 1407804329 | t3_2d998w | t5_2to41 | 37 | Mark-Fuckerburg: TIFU by giving her the wrong number three times then accidentally groping her
Happened a few years ago but I still cringe thinking about it. So there was this girl (lets call her S) who was pretty obviously into me. I'm talking like an assload of relationship-y physical contact, spending almost all of her free time in school with me, being overly flirty, the whole shebang. I really liked S too but I didn't ever make a move for whatever reason, not that I had to anyway, because low and behold the day came when she asked for my number so we could hang out over the weekend. I happily gave her my number... my student ID number. My brain isn't the best so it comes natural for me to mix things up and I really dropped the ball on this one. I sat by my phone awaiting the illustrious text, not realizing I'd fucked up, and it never came. I didn't mind a whole lot just figuring she was busy with something and brushed it off.
Monday comes around and she comes to find me in the morning to give me the news that the number didn't work. So the logical thing to do is give her the right number, and I tried, but my brain was just too damn set on ruining my chances and gave her the same ID number as before. I have no idea how neither of us noticed but again a text never came. The next day an angry S punches me in the dick for giving her the wrong number again and demands the real one so once again, for the last time, my god damn brain gives her the ID number. Another textless night later and there is no S to be found in the morning the following day. Still not caring as much as I could have, I was happy about a lack of physical abuse and carried on with my day.
The number thing wouldn't have been that bad on it's own, but like icing on the cake, another incident crowns this fuck up. I saw her in the hall towards the end of school and called her name as I tried to catch up but my legs weren't having any of it. Being extremely clumsy, I manage to trip at the perfect moment where the only thing to stop my meeting with the ground was her cleavage. Reflexes kick in and I grab one of her boobs like it's the only thing keeping me above a fucking bottomless pit. And there was a cliche moment of silence where we looked at each other and locked eyes, but the silence ended there. She shrieked like a damn banshee on Halloween and slapped me with such a force that it almost made me fall over again, and when I looked back up to apologize she was already full speed sprinting away from me. I never talked to her again out of shame and we lived happily ever after.
8BitPoro: Either one of two things is going on here,
#1 - This story is fake, who is that stupid?
#2 - You're probably the biggest moron I have ever heard of
Mark-Fuckerburg: I'm gonna go with option number two. Do I win a prize? Honestly I don't know how it happened. I guess I just went full retard.
[deleted]: Saying you went full retard is an insult to retards. Even retards can give out there fucking phone number.
Mark-Fuckerburg: Damn gena. Sorry to retards in that case.
b_coin: Don't you mean [Gina](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103488/)?
Mark-Fuckerburg: oh shit I've been spelling it wrong all this time
5unbr0: Confirmed moron, it's okay OP I believe your story.
| 8 | 4.625 | |
1407782847 | 1407792735 | t3_2d9bnj | t5_2to41 | 5 | throwaway1234589906: TIFU and now have a 'one that got away'
Okay so like many other posts in TIFU my FU was not today but rather over the course of about a year or so. To begin with some backstory... I studied abroad Jan to June of 2010 in a southern hemisphere country where I was, for the first time in my life, completely on my own (for fear of someone I know seeing this post I am using a throwaway). The complex I stayed in housed several nationalities but over half were Americans mainly from the east coast. Now I'm an American left coaster myself and as I'm sure many of you know east coast people and west coast people don't exactly jive, at least from my experience. But I thought what the hell I was lonely and jumped into a relationship with a cute American girl from back east basically from day three in another country. This relationship lasted all of about 2 weeks before things crashed and burned and as we had many of the same friends, who were also east coasters, most of them at the very least stayed better friends with her and at worst became absolute bitches to me. Anyway, that whole experience kind of fucked me trying to hangout intimately or otherwise with any other girl at the complex. No big deal, in the end I became friends with another clique in the complex and things improved.
So in this new clique there was this girl, lets call her 'Ell'. Ell was also from the east coast but did not follow the typical 'east coast stick up the ass, nose in the air' mindset not to mention she was fucking gorgeous with big blue eyes, curly brown hair with natural blonde highlights and a smile that I am dumbfounded by to this day. Seriously I see pictures of here on facebook (not creeping, they just come up on news feed from time to time) and I get a jolt of electricity running through my body and butterflys that I can't even explain. Anyway, we become pretty good friends, hangout daily and take group trips to several places all over the country together. Nothing ever comes of this although I feel like there is something there.
So fastforward to fall of 2011, I'm beginning my final year at university. Ell and I have stayed in touch via facebook when she tells be she is packing up from the east coast and heading out west from an extended vacation in Mexico with her brother and from there she wants to check out California, specifically the town I am going to school in. As you can imagine I am fucking stoked and can't wait to see her. She gets out of Mexico and heads to meet me. She doesn't have a place to stay so I offer up my place for a few nights while she gets her feet under her to which she agrees.
Now, as a side note, I am a decently good looking guy but I have never been super outgoing with the ladies. That being said, I've also fucked up a few friendships with women in my life at one time or another by trying to take the friendship to the next level. I am in love with Ell but I'm not about to sacrafice the amazing friendship I have with her just to see if she feels about me the way I feel about her so I don't try anything with her or even bring it up to her while she is staying with me. So a week goes by and she finds a place to live. It's my last year at university and I am already incredibly busy with school so I don't really persue her and we only get a chance to hangout occasionally. One thing leads to another and I get a girlfriend (who turns out to be a crazy crazy girl, but the sex was too good to pass up). Within a few weeks of that happening Ell has decided her time in California has come to an end and she packs up and heads off.
Reddit, I never even thought about it until a year or so later but I think I really fucked up by not even trying to persue the girl of my dreams even though she moved across the country for what possibly could have been me. Now I am in a long term relationship with a women that I love dearly but it hurts to this day to think about the 'what ifs' with Ell. And I feel like now that I am in this long term relationship and Ell has since moved on to travel the world, the point is moot to profess my love for her. Never had a 'one that got away' until now.....
Edit: sorry for the immensely long story.....
soalone34: Eh we all make mistakes, for all we know you were dumbstruck with love and even if she did try and start a relationship it wouldn't have worked out. I hope things work out with your current gf.
throwaway1234589906: Thank you, sometime we need to hear these things.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407781085 | 1407784458 | t3_2d9847 | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by blasting twerk music to a gang of children during story time. (NSFW) language
Yesterday I was walking through the bookstore and jamming to Twerk Tape on my iphone using the black planet radio app. Basically a station that plays awesome music that lets me pretend I'm one of those rap guys girlfriends (but actually I am so white I could make old school Hannah Montana look like Nicki Minaj)
After browsing for a few minutes I get a call from my mom. Unplug my headphones and chat her up while browsing the children's section looking for books for my niece. I end the conversation, hang up my phone and throw it into my purse only to hear
BIG BOOTY BITCHES THAT'S WHERE IT GETS
COME ON HOE LETS GO TO THE EASY REST
WHEN I SEE ASS, TITTIES, ASS N TITTIES
ASS ASS TITTIES TITTIES ASS N TITTIES
FUUUUUUUUCCCKKK. When I ended my phone call the twerk tape was still playing. Now unlike itunes this app KEEPS FUCKING PLAYING ONCE YOU UNPLUG YOUR HEADPHONES!
And guess what was happening in the children's side of the bookstore? A mother fucking story time. A STORY TIME.
And any girl will agree that our purses are like black holes. I am a freaking Marry Poppins with my purse. So of course I could not find that iphone. At that point my phone might as well have been a Malaysian airliner.
So I do the only logical thing. I book it and run to my car with my ASS and TITTIES blasting. Of course the second I get into my car I find my phone in my purse. Then I precede to put my headphones back on cause DJ Assault has some good twerking tunes.
[deleted]: I have a very similar story. Except I was in the police station, trying to look credible because I was filing charges on my ex-boyfriend. Thank god my phone has a removable battery!
[deleted]: I hope things are going better for you in the men department.
That was some quick thinking on your part. I was too deer in the headlights to think of anything other than run.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1407785742 | 1407799917 | t3_2d9h9j | t5_2to41 | 4 | sam-sung: TIFU by letting an student quote Rambo at a School Meeting
I work at a school, in the computer lab. Every monday morning, the school host a general meeting, in which students talk about social, health and environmental topics. Each teacher must prepare students for the monday meeting. Last week a Literature teacher came by and asked me to find information and quotes about world humanitarian help day.
I don't get along with that teacher, so in the quotes section, I added a this:
"Live for nothing, Die For Something. -Rambo"
Today, the meeting was about to end, just before saying "thanks for your attention", the student said that quote from Rambo, and he even said "by Rambo". The entire school laugh but the principal, vice-principal and the Literature teacher were super angry.
The result? Well, I'm suspended for two weeks.
WWLadyDeadpool: Wasn't Rambo a book first?
sam-sung: I don't know
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407786061 | 1407788164 | t3_2d9hvv | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU By telling a girl on a date that she shouldn't be so sure of herself. She shook my hand when she left.
I honestly don't know what to feel right now.
It was a second date. I really liked the girl. She was smart, funny, interesting, and passionate. Beautiful to boot, particularly her hair, which was a tawny bundle that fell lightly around her shoulders. I was a big fan of her from the beginning because she knew medieval weaponry.
She came over to my place. I made lasagna, and we talked pleasantly for the better part of two hours. After that, we decided to put on the movie Moulin Rouge. This movie is one of my favorites. We get to the end, and she is incensed over the fact that Nicole Kidman takes back Ewan McGreggor's character after he ruins her performance and calls her a whore in front of the audience. She said that it is a disgusting thing that our culture allows that sexism to be okay in a story.
This led to a 30 minute argument about whether or not it was sexist and whether or not we could generalize about how 'the public' should react to the film.
I got so frustrated that she refused to see any other perspective or interpretation that I ended up telling her that it was unbelievable how sure she was that she could understand the culture and film's intent to the extent that she could tell other people what they should feel.
She ended up leaving my place at midnight, shaking my hand.
I can't help but think that if I had just let it go, the night would have ended so much nicer. I'm blaming myself for all of this.
I'm not sure anymore.
**TL;DR Girl had a very feminist opinion that I wouldn't accept. She shook my hand after the date.**
asharkey3: Sounds like you have very different outlooks then this girl. Things would most likely have ended up worse if you two ended up together. Better that this didn't become anything. Not really a fuck up if you think about it that way.
[deleted]: Different outlooks on peripheral topics shouldn't matter. Also, people say all kinds of shit they don't really believe. I don't think she really meant it, and wouldn't have even remembered if I hadn't fought her on it.
throwawaykts: Sometimes, it is just better to let the trivial things go rather than feel like your point of view must be acknowledged. Source: very happily married man for 9 years.
[deleted]: That's what I'm saying. I need to learn how to do that.
throwawaykts: It's a fine line, brotha. I had to crash and burn many times before I realized that, sometimes, self-validation isn't all that noble of a pursuit. I was a philosophy major in college, so I was kind of unbearable in that regard. I felt that every viewpoint has its merits, and even if she was disagreeing with me I would try to get her to at least acknowledge my point of view. But that is really selfish. I wanted validation at the expense of her relenting on something she felt very strongly about. Sometimes, it's best to ask someone to just mull it over in their head and let it go!
There's no real strategy to it. If you head down a road, and it looks like it's a dead end, turn around and try another route to somewhere else.
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1407787779 | 1407850127 | t3_2d9i0q | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: Ya, I'm trying to think of how you're gonna get yourself out of this one. I suppose you delete everything eh? The one thing that may help is to be completely honest and put your cards on the table. Show here what you've been doing and let her watch you delete your craigslist ad and any porn subscriptions. Then maybe you can see if you can talk to someone about breaking the habit and repair your relationship with her. Porn isn't worth it. You're going to be incredibly embarrassed, but it has to be done, you have to make her trust you and the only way to to be truthful and honest about EVERYTHING
datraceman: This is where you have to admit you're a sex addict and go to counseling.
Watching porn is normal. Doing what you did to get that rush screams addiction.
Do what imagirafferrider said and then say you have a problem with sex addiction and need help.
It might take many months but you can do it.
I would also install one of those programs on your computer/phone/ipad/etc that sends her a list of all the sites you go to for a few months until she can trust you again and you've earned it back.
I've seen marriages of my friend's and family come back from worse but one of the parties had to go above and beyond the call of duty to earn that trust back and it took months and years.
The key is you have to be sincere, you have to change, and do it regardless of whether it salvages your marriage or not.
Trust me, if you don't get help with this and you and your wife divorce, the same thing will happen in your next relationship unless you marry someone who wants to fuck with other people as well.
[deleted]: Totally agree. It sucks, it's gonna hurt and you're going to be horribly embarrassed, but if you want to save your marriage you have to. I really wish you luck. Posting in here was a good first step. I truly believe you want to fix this.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407786410 | 1407809218 | t3_2d9iki | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking for Amanda. Always ask for the opposite gender, Reddit!
My friend has been with her husband for ten years and married for 5. They have a beautiful daughter. She's felt that he's been acting strange for a while. A few nights ago she found some provocative texts between the him and a coworker, snapped a picture, and sent it to me. After no luck internet "researching" just a cell number I decided to relive my middle school prank calling days (I'm 30 wtf) and use *67 to find out her name thinking that basically no one answers private calls and I could get info from her voicemail.
To my surprise, she answered and the first thing that came to my head was (panicked), "hey, Amanda?!" And she said, "yes?" So and said, "you don't sound like my friend, Amanda Bluth?" she said no and we hung up. Next time I'm going to use an obvious or OPPOSITE GENDER NAME!
Edit: I feel like it should say it should be obvious to USE the opposite gender.
IlIIIIllIllI: Something, something, "a man duh".
You missed a pun opportunity and now I ruined it for everyone. Sorry.
pm_me_for_happiness: It was a man, duh.
| 3 | 4 | |
1407785892 | 1407794770 | t3_2d9hkd | t5_2to41 | 5 | hungryasabear: TIFU by accidentally calling a guy's wife fat
A little back story first: I go to the same bar almost every weekend because it's close to my work and I'm friends with most of the bartenders/bouncers. Because we're all buddies, there is a lot of shit talking that goes on between everyone, but it's all in good fun. This has gone on for years, with the new staff being brought in to the shit talking circle. We never get disrespectful, we know there are lines and they are never crossed.
Now, Saturday night I drank a bunch of whiskey, maybe a little more than I should have drank. I was talking to one of the bouncers (around 450+lbs) at closing time and he started a sentence with "I was talking to this fat girl on the patio" and I thought he was gesturing to a large woman (5'4"ish/200+lbs). As I realized after, he was just generally moving his hands as people tend to do when they talk. I followed what I thought was his gesture to the woman and said "what, like that woman sitting by herself?" Looking back, I think he took the word "like" as in "similar to" where I meant it as a question of if that was the woman he was talking about/gesturing to. He looked at the woman I asked about and said "That's my wife"
Now I think he's joking because it's not an uncommon style of line among my friends. See an old drunk guy falling down, a stranger laughs at him, go up to the stranger and say "Hey, that's my dad." The awkwardness gets laughs. I thought that was the situation here and just kept walking outside. The bouncer comes up to me outside and starts screaming in my face about being disrespectful, needing to shut my mouth, "are you saying my wife is fat?!" etc. I tried apologizing to him and explaining to him it was just a simple misunderstanding, but he had already gone full rage face. The whole thing was made worse because apparently he had to deal with someone making fun of his wife earlier in the night. I hadn't said anything negative or derogatory about her. But I know he took everything very much the wrong way and my misunderstanding surely lead to it.
TL;DR Inadvertently called a guy's wife fat because I thought he did.
hank_moo_d: Well, to be honest, he was disrespectful with someone else's wife previously.
hungryasabear: Right? That's what I was thinking
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407787423 | 1407788501 | t3_2d9kgc | t5_2to41 | 19 | awd3495: TIFU by eating Black Bean Soup
Naturally, this happened in the spring or so. I had caught what I thought was a 24 hour stomach bug, and wasn't feeling well. I had fever, my stomach hurt, and I couldn't leave a 30 foot radius of the toilet. I didn't eat anything all day, and at dinner time, I was hungry. My mom suggested I have chicken broth. Naturally, I didn't have any as a college student, but I did have stuff to make black bean soup. Same thing, right? I'll make that instead. It's got black beans, tomatoes, green chilis, corn, chicken, garlic, cumin, etc. Once it's done boiling, you take some soup, blend it, add it back to the soup, and it thickens up. Great soup for the fall. I make some. I blend more than normal because why not, I don't feel great. This soup was incredible. Fast forward 3 hours. My stomach kind of starts to hurt, and I make my way to the bathroom. I didn't leave the bathroom for 3 hours. The only time I left the toilet was to frantically search for my Anti-Diarrheal medicine, which I couldn't find. The worst part was that I had blended the soup more than normal, so the black bean skin was like sand. I went to the bathroom 30 times in that 3 hours. Each time it was like I was pooping acid. It was THE worst pain I've been in in my life. All during I wondered why I made bean soup when I was sick, and why I blended so much of it.
TLDR: I had a stomach bug and made bean soup instead of broth and I had liquid diarrhea for 3 hours.
djonesy1218: This is just. Absolute stupidity. But taught me a good lesson.
awd3495: I legitimately gave it no thought. As soon as it all started I knew what I had done...
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1407788488 | 1407791850 | t3_2d9mig | t5_2to41 | 45 | executiverocker: TIFU by talking to my GF about my female friend and her full package
I live with my pregnant girlfriend, who after 17 weeks of growing our child, has run through a whole range of emotions.
I have a friend called Jen, who the GF knows, however last night we were tweeting and for some reason she couldn't view the same programme that I could on Sky.
I went through some troubleshooting bits and bobs and it turns out she couldn't view this programme through the app as she didn't have the right tariff.
"Who you tweeting at this time of night?" "Just Jen about her complete package" "What...."
Perfectly innocent. Wrong choice of words.
RaveNCrow3: Oh god that choice of words is cringe worthy. How did she react?
executiverocker: She kept saying "no you talk about her full package, go on!" While I was apologising and trying to make sense haha
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Should have just played innocent and continued saying that she's got full access to everything from <company who owns the app> because of her (what in the hell is a tariff in this situation?>.
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1407789752 | 1407790284 | t3_2d9oxo | t5_2to41 | 7 | learnng2breathe: TIFU By not locking the door [NSFW]
Gheazu: Who were these other people
learnng2breathe: namely me and my girlfriend but also my brother
Gheazu: [Your brother](https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/BqzJ_2s65WaMAft8hpwE0grp2iV8drAGHwfqa4x2x5LdouGxjPT2F_FmQA6B-34ghRSR7BzKTH0dAfAbtf7dv3dLUmtl9dsIkOArxTdD1DyK6AAUcXY0thftlQ)
learnng2breathe: 99.98% Accurate
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1407791740 | 1407798528 | t3_2d9snc | t5_2to41 | 9 | TrailMixGirl: TIFU by smudging my makeup....
So this morning, as I was putting on my foundation and blush, I accidentally smudged on some bluish grayish color onto my cheek, not far below my eye. I tried to get it off, but it didn't come off easily, so I put some powder over it and went on my way.
Fifteen minutes later, I arrived at work, and my boss and coworkers were looking at me funny.
"Is that a bruise on your face?"
I guess I didn't cover up well enough. "No, I just smudged my makeup."
"Okay. It looks like someone hit you."
"Nope." Immediately, I thought, *They must think that my SO hit me. I have to clear this up!* "Besides, my boyfriend isn't in town."
The store was a little quieter than usual today....
Eat_The_Muffin: >Besides, my boyfriend isn't in town.
I cringed
TrailMixGirl: So did I. As soon as those words left my mouth, I felt like an idiot.
Doesn't help that my SO is a big, muscled military man.
Eat_The_Muffin: Have some gold.
But don't tell your boyfriend, he might get jealous
/r/lounge awaits you
Gheazu: Damn it. What does it take to get gold
Eat_The_Muffin: http://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/2d9ymh/lpt_get_a_job/
I also gave that gold but then they deleted it, my full comment was great though
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1407793157 | 1407809649 | t3_2d9vdf | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by being mean to a little girl.
So, I babysit a group of girls and they've wanted to learn a thing or two about high heels. Nothing wrong with that.
I've decided to demonstrate.
''Walk from heel to toe,'' I've told them. ''Like this. It's different from walking in flats.''
''Is this right, Miss?'' one girl asked me. I said yes.
''How about this?''
The questions just kept coming. The girls were learning fast.
At one point, I got fed up with all the questions. I told one of the girls to take the heels and... shove them up her ass.
She started crying. I felt so stupid afterwards.
Fortunately for me, that was my last day babysitting there.
PosthistoricDino: I have to babysit my brother's seven year old sometimes. When I do, I **REALLY** want to do something like that. He acts like he's five. Endless questions and then acting like he knows everything and has everything. Infinitely annoying.
[deleted]: How do you handle it?
PosthistoricDino: I barely can. The only thing keeping me from doing it is the trouble I would be in.
| 4 | 2 | |
1407793351 | 1407793991 | t3_2d9vqt | t5_2to41 | 17 | pardonmytits27: TIFU by telling my boss I had a dick drawing competition at work.
Yeah so basically it is just as it sounds...I had a dick drawing competition with a friend and it was Friday afternoon so I was having a few beers after work with a few of my coworkers and told them about my dick drawing competition, followed by a "what did you just say?" and an awkward silence. Pretty sure I was getting fired Monday morning. What the fuk was I thinking..
Turbo_Vince: But did you win?
pardonmytits27: I did!
Turbo_Vince: Worth it.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1407793280 | 1407795080 | t3_2d9vlp | t5_2to41 | 5 | taatifu: Tifu by "beating the meat"
soalone34: Do you not have a lock on the door?
taatifu: I do but if you turn the knob fast enough you can open the door even if its locked
soalone34: o.o did your mom walk in on purpose...?
taatifu: No. i don't think she knew i was in there, she was about to walk in before she saw me
| 5 | 1 | |
1407792612 | 1407794681 | t3_2d9ucb | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my entire county West Nile Virus
Background information:
I work in a lab where we trap, sort, count, and test mosquitoes for various viruses. The process is as follows: We receive the traps between Tuesdays and Fridays. When we receive traps, we freeze the mosquitoes and sort them out by species. We then count the number of mosquitoes of each species. Finally, on Mondays, we ship the mosquitoes out to another lab to test for West Nile Virus, Triple E, and Dengue Fever. This process usually takes the entire week to complete, with Mondays designated for preparing and mailing the samples. In between days of sorting, counting, and preparing shipments, the samples of mosquitoes are stored in a -80°C freezer to preserve any possible viruses. During the later weeks of the season, many locations already have samples that have tested positive for West Nile. These "positive" locations are sprayed with pesticides by a separate department. That department relies on us to get their data. The head of that department also has big time beef with head of my department.
Then comes last Friday... The mosquito count had begun to diminish. The mosquitoes were easier to sort and we were now working with much fewer than we had to deal with earlier in the season. So naturally, we finished earlier. We had decided to prepare the shipment on a Friday afternoon, rather than sticking with our usual routine of starting the shipment on the following Monday. We were unable to finish the shipment, however, and had to put the samples into the freezer at the end of the day.
I had decided that since it was a Friday, I was going to be lazy about helping prepare the shipment. I made a deal with a fellow co-worker that I would put away the samples if she would finish the last part of the shipment that we were doing that afternoon. She agreed to this.
After she had finished up, I got my lazy ass off my chair and put away the samples. I did not, however, put away the shipment.
We had a slight miscommunication in the logistics of our agreement. I had thought that she would put the shipment into the freezer after she finished what she needed to do and I would put away the rest of the samples. She had thought that I was going to put away everything.
We all left for the weekend not even realizing our mistake. The shipment stayed in a 66°F room for the entire weekend. 66°F is *pretty* warm compared to the -80°C (-112°F ) freezers the samples are supposed to be in.
We come into the lab today and the samples in the shipment were rancid and had mold growing on them. The viruses are dead, and tests may still come up positive but cannot be confirmed by culture.
My boss says to us "Not once in my 14 years of working here has this happened." My boss is pissed. He didn't speak to me or the rest of my co-workers for the rest of the day. My boss's boss is pissed. We're all still waiting for him to come in and fire us all.
TL;DR: Destroyed an entire week's worth of work and scientific data. Other department that relies on our data already has beef with us and will not be very pleased. Possibly getting shit on by my boss in the near future.
DocAttack: Holy mother of all misleading titles
KafkaTamura90: Ditto,I came here expecting some sort of "I released this family of mutated, pyrethroid resistant, West Nile Virus-carrying mosquitoes" story.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407793563 | 1407798964 | t3_2d9w57 | t5_2to41 | 44 | ouchface1: TIFU: by not cleaning up my facebook
My first time posting here and just writing this hurts deep in my stomach, but maybe the result will be therapeutic or teach someone a lesson of cleaning up their stuff, so they don't get shafted like me.
So basically I wanted to become a cop and finished all the relevant exams needed to do so here in Canada. I had an interview set up with a small area in buttfuck nowhere but was excited at the opportunity of finally getting employed. I filled in ridiculous amounts of paper work just to get up to this stage, literally over 40 pages. Anyways I finally get to the formal interview stage and things are looking bright. I never got into any serious crime, had relevant job experience, had education and presented myself pretty damn good. Things are looking great until in the middle of the interview the cop flips the laptop around and requests that I put in my username and password on facebook. I am shocked, its like 840 am and don't have time to process the request, so I follow through (like an idiot). She then requests that I leave the room (fuckkkk).
So my facebook profile itself isn't a problem, I have zero "selfies" or douchey pics and don't put up any status's because frankly I am not that important. The killer is that in my private messages with my friends I write really offensive jokes and we share a dark humour and in some cases just swear for the sake of it (like the worst language possible).
In any event, she had 20 minutes to read god knows what and when I returned I could see she copied and pasted a few of my convos (at this point I felt like death) to a word document. The interview carried on for 40 mins or so, but in the air you could feel the tension and that she didn't like me anymore. The next day I received a prompt "thank you for your time, but you were unsuccessful" email and it hurt.
I know alot of you are shaking your head like "why the fuck did you do it", honestly I was caught like a deer in headlights and couldn't think... In any event, its very likely they will share whatever garbage they saw me write to other services and that will be the end of me in this career path *sigh*. Well, I did learn from it.... hopefully someone else does too.
willemdoom: Are they allowed do that, coudnt you just refuse? Something with the Fourth Amendment(Not American, so not sure at all).
PM_TIT_PICS: 4th amendment is about not housing troops.
But, yeah, they aren't really allowed to do that.
willemdoom: Oh wait, i meant the one on privacy.... wow this is really stupid
kxvien: No, you were right. The fourth is about unreasonable searches.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1407794515 | 1407821733 | t3_2d9xv4 | t5_2to41 | 117 | SnazzyWazzy: TIFU By getting high with my friends
I'm posting this using my throwaway account because it is too embarrassing to have any kind of attachment to my normal account. So last night, I was hanging out with a couple friends that I've known forever, let's call them Cam and Rob. We're all going off to college soon, so we're trying to hangout as much as possible. So after a day full of chilling, playing some video games, and just fucking around, we decide to mellow down and go out for a little sesh. It's approximately 10:30 PM when we leave and drive up to a nice hiking area that's mostly not populated, especially at this time of night. Instead of staying in the car, Rob has the bright suggestion to go on a little hike because, "It would be so cool to go on a little adventure right now." After a little bit of conversation regarding if it was safe, what if something happens, etc. we decide to go on a short hike. As we set out, Cam asks to use my iPhone for a flashlight, since he knew the trails and was leading the way. I happily oblige, and we continue following the trail. After about 10 minutes of walking, we get to an open area at the top of a small hill with a crazy view of the city, the perfect place to chill and take a few hits. Cam hands me my phone back, Rob takes out the J, and we spark up. We sit around for a while, marveling at how cool the city looks with all the lights at night. After maybe 15 minutes of sitting around talking, we head back to the car. Again, Cam asks to use my phone as a flashlight, and I let him. We get back to the car, light up a little more, and head back to Cam's place. At this point, we're all pretty baked. When we arrive back to Cam's, it's around Midnight, and I get thought it would be a good idea to start texting my girlfriend (let's call her Christie.) So I begin texting her, just asking her what's up, and seeing if we could get together later tonight. After a couple minutes without a response, I begin to get uneasy and text her again saying how we need to make this last as long as possible and how we only have a short amount of time before our high school relationship comes to it's inevitable end. Five minutes later, and still no response. Now, normally, this wouldn't really be a huge deal; that being said, I was really high at this point. Now, for whatever reason, I'm freaking out, feeling kinda paranoid, and venting to Rob and Cam. Like the shitty friends they are, they suggest, "Dude, you should totally send her a dick pic right now! That would be soooo funny!" Looking back at the situation, I have no idea how I went along with it. I guess I must've thought the idea was hilarious or something, because minutes later, I went to the bathroom, and got the job done.
Snap.
Click.
Send.
Not realizing I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, I walk back into Cam's room like a champion, while Rob and Cam are laughing their asses off at the fact that I just sent a picture of my junk to Christie. The night is coming to an end, and still no text back from Christie. It's 2 AM-ish, and Rob and I head out. I get home, get into bed, and I'm asleep in a matter of minutes. This morning, when I woke up, I see a text from Cam on my phone.
"Dude, you didn't actually send a dick pic to Christie, did you."
"Yeah dude, haha I did why?"
"HAHAHAHA I changed Christie's contact with your mom's on your phone when we went on the hike last night!!"
I sent a picture of my genitals to my mother.
So now, it's 3PM, I've been sitting in my room, awake, for hours, afraid to leave. I'm now ready for the most awkward several days of my life. Wish me luck
TL;DR Got high with my friends, they switched my mom's contact with my gf's contact on my phone, I end up sending a dick pic to my mom.
I'll update as soon as anything noteworthy happens.
UPDATE: Mom arrived back from a meeting a few hours ago. I've remained in my room for the entire time while she's been home, up until just now. She just opened my door and asked if she could "Have a word." I'll be back soon, updates will ensue!
UPDATE #2: Just got back from my talk with my mom. When I first walked into her room, she was silent for a couple minutes before asking what was going through my head last night. I tried to explain the whole situation to her (minus the drug use, obviously) and told her how my douche friends changed the contact names, but she was not having any of it. She began interrogating me, and asked me why I would ever even send a picture like that in the first place, why I thought she was my gf (though I explained to her already that the contacts had been changed), and wrapped up her talk by educating me on "the dangers of putting a picture like that out there." I told her I understood the dangers and how sorry/embarrassed I was, but she remained silent after her questioning. After a couple minutes of silence, she said, "Let's talk about this again when your father gets home." Shit.
Riverrrr: Update needed OP. :)
SnazzyWazzy: updated!
xMrBlonde: UPDATE DESPERATELY NEEDED OP
SnazzyWazzy: Further updated. Stay tuned to when Dad arrives! ;/
xMrBlonde: fuck gl buddy
| 6 | 19.5 | |
1407793888 | 1408078870 | t3_2d9wr7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering a chastity belt to my work address...
Two things;
1. I work in a very strict company when it comes to getting parcels delivered - anything delivered from outside the UK will be opened by security to ensure the contents are safe... We're not supposed to have personal packages sent to work.
2. Recently I have been looking for a way to punish myself to help motivate a healthier lifestyle... I found a site that gives you a chastity partner who holds the combination of your lock and will give it when they are satisfied. I rarely lie and thought it might be a good way to be punished for over eating, under exercising...
Just one hour ago I ordered a chastity device and accidentally didn't change the address on eBay to my home address, after purchasing some office supplies... I panicked and sent 2 emails to the seller then went to the eBay live chat. They recommended that I called the seller to change the address as they can't do anything. Just called China - a man answered... He did NOT sound happy. Said something in Chinese... I responded with 'do you speak English?' He said something again in Chinese and then hung up... A quick google search made me realise I just called a man in China at 5am ... I hope I didn't piss him off so much he sends it to my work anyway... FML.
Will keep you all updated on my fuck up...
UrbanCatBabe: Cancel the order if it's via ebay? Might help
PM_ME_YOUR_FAV_FOOD: Just got a reply to my plee to deliver to my home... 'OK'. Hope he keeps his word... Tried to cancel but looks like the cancellation was ignored
UrbanCatBabe: Try to contact ebay.
| 4 | 2 | |
1407795361 | 1407807347 | t3_2d9zdn | t5_2to41 | 193 | ilovech33tos: TIFU accidentally hitting the "print now" button, on my cell phone, over my wireless connection, while viewing porn
So this literally just happened about a half hour ago. My mother in law was over at the house and using our home computer. Attached to the computer is the printer, which i also use to print wirelessly off of my mobile devices. While she was using the computer, i was in the other room on my phone and was viewing some porn site. While looking at one of the pictures, i accidentally hit the print now button, and sent it to my printer. I immediatly hit the cancel button, and thought i aborted it.... but apparently not. After my mother in law was done using the computer, my wife called me into the room and showed me what was sitting in the printer. Sure enough it was the picture. My mother in law saw it, and immediatly showed my wife before leaving. My wife asked me wtf was this and why was it in there... i told her i had no idea, and maybe she should ask her mom why she was looking at porn on the computer. She didnt really buy it and kinda stormed off in a rage. I fucked up.... now i just wait and see what happens when she returns.
UPDATE: my wife is still pissed several hours later.
CrowSpine: You have a shitty mother in law.
ilovech33tos: Yeah shes a perv
mrdrm1000: Fun fact: Mother in law is an anagram of "Woman Hitler".
ilovech33tos: Lmao !
| 5 | 38.6 | |
1407795276 | 1407796550 | t3_2d9z8e | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by reposting
Last month I reposted [this picture](http://i.imgur.com/skSpO.jpg) to /r/pics because I though it was cute and I figured Reddit would agree and give me some upvotes for it. Well later today the actual owner of the cat /u/Calcbunny commented on the picture "How come someone else that posts my cat with the costume I created gets more points than I do? I have the sads." I replied back saying I was sorry and I offered to take the picture down. They replied back with "No it's ok..I just don't know how to Reddit I guess."
It's not really that big of a fuck up or anything but I feel really bad about reposting that picture... They put a lot of work into making that outfit and taking that picture just so I can repost it and get more upvotes then they did :(
belgian_here: What's the real impact of karma on your life, seriously ? Personally I don't give a flying fuck about it
Teotwawki69: Or a flying cat, I assume.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407793908 | 1407812370 | t3_2d9wsk | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to tidy up after taking a shower
Okay, so this happened a few years ago to my uncle while he was acting in a show in Florida.
So, my uncle just took a nice relaxing shower, and steps out into the bathroom. Before grabbing a towel and drying off, he decides to pick up all of his laundry that is on the floor. So my uncle who is practically blind without his glasses is stumbling around the bathroom, butt naked, and drenched picking up his clothes. He reaches down to pick up a black dress sock, stopping only inches away with a dreadful realization. What my uncle ASSUMED was a rolled up dress sock, was in fact a FRIGGEN HUGE SPIDER. Being the manly man he is, he did not panic. Instead he reached for a tissue box, and WHAM, smashed the behemoth to its doom. But alas, he made a grave mistake. For from the remains of the spider burst forth THOUSANDS of baby spiders. The newly birthed goo storm began crawling up his naked legs at super sonic speed. At this point, he's screaming like no other. He quickly grabs a lighter and a bottle of Axe, and like the great Sigourney Weaver, proceeds to FLAMETHROWER the spiders off his legs. He spent the rest of the week with hairless legs.
Zackie11: Your uncle is the definition of a man. But let's just forget about the screaming part, because I mean, who wouldn't scream?
son_of_iron_horse: I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
[deleted]: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=erh2ngRZxs0
Zackie11: That is.... Some scary shit....
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1407796345 | 1407810486 | t3_2da14t | t5_2to41 | 60 | Cashcheckum: TIFU and found pictures of my dad performing cunillingus. Nsfw.
So for whatever reason I was feeling nostalgic. Daydreaming about the past perhaps. Family reunions and christmas time. I decided to raid the box of old photos my dad had stashed in his closet. Even the act of filing though the dusty pictures seemed to bring me back. They all seemed to be sorted in order too! Pictures in the back when I was baby. Pictures in the front me learning how to kickflip my skateboard. I must've flipped through them all before I noticed it...
After pulling forward a row of pictures I noticed a small black plastic bag. I pulled it out and noticed it contained about 5 photos. And in retrospect they seemed to be stacked in order taken. This first pictures was nice. Just my dad and his gf taking a *selfie* at what looks to be the beach.
The next three where taken by my father. The first was his gf looking quite nice in a bikini(she's a total milf). The second was her topless. The third was her naked.
**JACKPOT.**
Well apparently there was a change of hands between the fourth and fifth pic. The last picture was a females point of view. Legs spread beagle and my dad chin deep in a clam sandwich. Looking straight at the camera... Straight into my soul.
I immediately stuffed the pictures back in box. The box in the closet. After that I sat quite for about 15 minutes.
Plot twist: This was 12 years ago and I still can't watch lesbian porn.
**TLDR LOOKING THROUGH FAMILY PHOTOS, FOUND DADS HOMEMADE PORN AND FOREVER RUINED CUNNILINGUS**
Skutter_: Pics or it didn't happen
Cashcheckum: I wish I didn't happen.
Skutter_: still no chance of pics?
| 4 | 15 | |
1407795424 | 1407801563 | t3_2d9zhn | t5_2to41 | 6 | 12trois: TIFU by being the worst intern ever
In the high school I attended, all the students of one grade were required to perform a certain amount of unpaid work experience. I was initially excited about getting a job at one of my favourite restaurants, but at the last minute that fell through, and I ended up getting a position at a law firm. I was excited, because I was interested in law at the time.
Aside from being late the first two days as I got used to commuting by bus (I lived close enough to the high school to walk), the first couple of weeks went smoothly. I did what was asked of me, usually manual labour, and enjoyed myself there.
My boss, the head lawyer of the firm, assigned me to work on a personal project of his. Loosely described, it involved searching large collections of files for the three components of a set he wanted. (He told me that a previous intern had completely messed it up, but I'm not sure how much I believe him.) I would have been okay with this had all the components actually been present. I think, in the vast masses of files he gave me, I was only ever able to gather two sets. And the work was so gosh-darned *boring*.
After that, things started to go downhill. The following events are not necessarily in chronological order.
* **I violated his privacy.** On one occasion, due to the incompleteness of the files, I decided, "Enough of this; I know he has everything on his computer." So I unthinkingly went to his computer (he was away in court at the time) and used the search function of his email client to see if I could find what I wanted.
* **I threatened the sanctity of and insulted office property.** I was assigned to make several photocopies, or scan something, I don't know. It was taking a substantial amount of time without my intervention, and I was a bit bored, so I started tapping out a little beat on the copier. I was asked to stop and did. Sometime after this I made a mild complaint about the copier, and the articling student working under my boss told me "It's a piece of crap." When I was asked to stop a second time, I repeated his words, perhaps assuming that this was a common saying in the office. It wasn't.
* **I was highly forgetful and left duties incomplete.** After removing about 30 strips from self-sealing envelopes, I left them sitting in the middle of the floor. I was assigned to stamp many greeting cards for the office's clients; I did so hurriedly and poorly, and left the desk at which I was working covered in glitter with cards scattered everywhere. I successfully brought a case of soda from the trunk of a car to the office, but was not told where to put it. I left it in a meeting room and not the lunch room where it would obviously go.
* **All of this was how I repaid the kindness of the staff.** My birthday fell smack in the middle of the internship, and I humbly announced to the office during a quiet moment, "If anyone cares, it's my birthday." And all the staff got together to buy me a card and a cake and threw a surprise party for me a few hours later.
* **I accidentally told a lawyer with twenty years of experience that he was incompetent.** Court was what excited me about the internship, but I made only two trips to court during my time there. On my first trip, I was allowed to accompany my boss during a witness questioning for an insurance claim case. My boss had instructed me not to speak. We were sitting in some kind of waiting room, before we began, and he told me something like "The defense is never prepared for this kind of case." Soon after I was led into the questioning room, and sat with my boss across from another lawyer and the witness. There was some good-natured joking before the questioning began. I can't remember what was said, but I think the lawyers were rapid-firing silly stereotypes about cases at each other, which made me think it would be okay to repeat what he'd said, "Defense not being prepared".
That lawyer and his witness *were* the defense. Somehow he took it in stride and ignored me, and I was allowed to sit in on the questioning.
But all these were not even the worst of what I did. My incompetence culminated in what I shall call **The Nutcracker Incident.**
It was the fall term, and Christmas was approaching. To celebrate this festive occasion, one of the staff told me to go to a storage closet downstairs and get a decorative nutcracker statue out of a closet.
I went down to the closet and found the nutcracker behind a tonne of junk. I cleared most of the junk out into the hallway, but hid a roadblock, so to speak. There was a huge box of computer equipment in the closet. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get it out; it was too big and heavy. (Actually, I was just really stupid. The problem was that I and the box could not fit through the door side-by-side. I could have taken the equipment out, or dragged the box through the door.)
**Mistake 1:** The building's water heater was behind the nutcracker. I figured I could lift the computer box up over the nutcracker box, and onto the water heater, then I could take the nutcracker out of the closet. I managed this, but in pushing the computer box onto the water heater I accidentally turned one of the hot water valves off or to half position.
I finally see the nutcracker face-to-face...and there's a big hole in the box that extends into its forehead. **Mistake 2:** I figure, "Ah, whatever, my job's not to assess damage. I'll just get it upstairs for them." I should have to
I hauled the nutcracker out of the closet (gosh, that thing was heavy!) and through the closet's hallway to the main stairs (the office was on the second floor). **Mistake 3:** I left all the junk I had removed in the hallway, and did not put it away.
A brief interlude. This did not happen, but my boss suggested it could have. The water tank explodes because of the valve I adjusted. There is another office just off the closet's hallway. The people in that office cannot get out by their main door, because the water heater's pipes run over that door and it is engulfed in flames. So they must get out through the closet's hallway, where I have left all the junk. They trip over that junk trying to get away and burn to death.
Returning to reality, it took me quite some time and effort to get that heavy thing up the stairs to the office, at least fifteen minutes of grunting and puffing. But when I finally did, I learned of **mistake 4:** I hadn't listened to the directions properly. I hadn't been told to take the nutcracker to the office, only out of the closet.
The damage to the nutcracker was of course blamed on me, even if none of the staff directly said so.
I completed my hours some time after The Nutcracker Incident, but decided to stay on for a few more days as reparation for the Incident. About three days later, I was caught analyzing a chess game online when I was supposed to be doing data entry.
My boss was understandably outraged. He took me into his office, justifiably fired on the spot, and unjustifiably told me I would never amount to anything.
I have long considered suicide, but I attempted it for the first time the night he fired me because of those words. It was by a method that would never have succeeded, even if I hadn't grown too uncomfortable to continue.
He never submitted my evaluation form to my school, meaning I received a 51% grade for my work experience.
When the time came to choose my career, I did not choose law.
throwawaykts: Can I give you some heartfelt advice? Stop taking life so seriously. Your first batch of "fuckups" are major overreactions to what you did. So, you fucked up a bit with that nutcracker thing, big deal.
It sounds like all you really need to work on is attention to detail. When you are given a task, think about it from beginning to end, and be clear on your directions. Think about all of the associated tasks that go along with it, and don't let yourself say "job done", until the job is truly done.
Other than that, be a kid, relax, and try harder at your next job.
12trois: This was long ago. I'm not a kid anymore. Should have made that clearer.
throwawaykts: Why still hang on to a few borderline mistakes you made as a kid?
12trois: Because it hurt me so profoundly. And, in a way, publishing them here was letting them go.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407798196 | 1407852268 | t3_2da4er | t5_2to41 | 63 | NekoJustice: TIFU by accidentally poisoning myself at work.
No need for a throwaway here, hahah.
So today I fucked up at work. I work at McDonald's, as a part-time minor. My shift started today at 5:30 pm, and it was supposed to run till 8:30. Well, I got in about 20 minutes early to grab a bite to eat; as I get my milkshake for my meal, I notice that the ice cream has been freshly changed, so it's more ice cream than chocolate syrup. Upon inquiry, my manager tells me that the maintenance guy just completely took the machine apart and sanitized it. I later down the entire medium-sized shake.
It's later around 6pm, about an hour ago. Someone in our staff comments how his milkshake had a strange after-taste. A few coworkers take a small amount and sip, commenting having the same problem. My manager comes over. She's a really nice, sweet lady, and honestly, she's my favorite person there. She takes an entire small milkshake, and was about to drink it. I quickly stopped her, and jokingly said, "Hey now, you should let someone expendable like me, who isn't the shift manager, drink this!" We both laugh a little, then she conceeds. I drink some, and I don't taste anything odd again.
Having not noticed said strange aftertaste when I had my milkshake, I kept drinking it... until suddenly, my mouth tasted like soap. A slight wave of panic comes over me, but then I realized that I should tell my manager to not serve the milkshakes, the cleaner's inside the mix. I do so.
I did so too little, too late... at least for me. See, I had already had one whole medium, and half of a small. That's about a large chocolate milkshake. Suddenly, I feel my bowels under stress, like as if I'm bloating up. I tell my manager I need to hit the can.
And oh my God, was a can hit. That restroom was unusable by the sheer smell of the motherfucker that shake and my insides had created; the stench almost knocked me out (It's super effective! A critical hit!). I had to go home only an hour into my shift... not fun.
**TL;DR: TOOK A HIT FOR THE BOSS, TOOK A SHIT AND ALMOST LOST.**
Powerism: Sorry, I couldn't get past "I work at McDonald's as a part-time miner."
AvacynAOH: Yes, because OP should be a software engineer while in high school.
NekoJustice: Interesting you say that. Last school year, my friend and I were in a class together for programming in... I don't even remember, it was some C++ knockoff. Anyway, he described my horrendous code as talking like this in real life:
Today, I woke up.
Today, I woke up and got out of bed.
Today, I woke up, got out of bed, and went to the restroom.
Today, I woke up, got out of bed, went to the restroom, and ate a cat.
I guess that means I write bad code.
AsstarMcButtNugget: No, it means you repeat yourself. You just need to pull common stuff out into functions:
Today I woke up, let's call that A.
A, I got out of bed (B).
A, B, went to the restroom (P).
A, B, P, ate a cat (WTF).
A, B, P, WTF, etc.
You can totally make your code do that. Also, don't eat your cat.
NekoJustice: I don't have a cat, just the first thing I thought of hahahah.
buttercupdefender: Of course you don't have a cat, you just ate it!
NekoJustice: The cat and I have become one! NOW I WILL CONTROL REDDIT WITH MY NEWLY-FOUND CAT POWA-wait, is that yarn? :3
buttercupdefender: Even better! A LASER POINTER.
NekoJustice: Ohhhh maahhh GEEEEEEEEEEEERD
| 10 | 6.3 | |
1407799423 | 1407872545 | t3_2da75m | t5_2to41 | 39 | NorthStar10: TIFU by letting my GF drink my urine in front of our friends
My GF and I were hanging out with some friends in my room the other day. I had a couch set up in front of my bed with my computer in front of the couch and some chairs adjacent to the bed and couch. I was on the couch, my girl friend was stretched out on the bed, and our friends were on the chairs facing me. We were all smoking and chatting. My girl had just passed the smoke to me, and asked if the bottle next to the bed was soda . I said yes remembering that there was a bottle of ginger ale next to the bed. Seconds later, I hear her coughing and gagging a lot. She sounded like she was going to be sick. Turns out that the bottle she was talking about was NOT the bottle of ginger ale I thought she was talking about. Turns out that she had found a bottle I'd been using at night when I didn't feel like dragging my half-asleep butt down stairs just to pee. Between coughing and gasping and gagging, turns out she had aspirated some as well, she was insisting that it wasn't soda at all. I couldn't bring myself to say that she was coughing up my piss in front of our friends. Told her it was bong water and got her something else to drink. I feel awful.
mrdrm1000: Bet it tasted pissgusting.
LilChappy: we we don't appreciate puns
clowny115: don't get pissed.
LilChappy: urine a rush to get these puns out
clowny115: Yea, once I get started, they tend to just leak out.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1407801074 | 1407806338 | t3_2daag7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | iwbhokage: TIFU by looking up a pornstars tumblr as my dad walked into the room
So I was looking up Christy Mack because of her recently getting beaten nearly to death by her ex-boyfriend and I foolishly chose to look on her tumblr. Well... Pornstars tumblrs are full of porn... So my father walks in and I'm 21 now and have never been caught whacking it or anything of the sort and I started when i was 12, nearly daily, sometimes many times a day.
Fucking feel embarrassed and awkward.
prose-for-the-hoes: Your dad probably follows her on Tumblr.
iwbhokage: He doesn't know what tumblr is.
| 3 | 2 | |
1407803591 | 1407849905 | t3_2daey5 | t5_2to41 | 215 | AmericanDad01: TIFU by trimming my pubes with a pair of kitchen scissors.
This happened last night, but I'm still feeling the consequences. It was about 10pm and I had the house to myself so, naturally, I texted my girlfriend telling her to come over. We hadn't seen each other in a while so I thought I would do some routine manscaping before she came. I was a few drinks in and couldn't find my razor so I went to the kitchen and grabbed the scissors from my knife set. To give you an idea, they look like [this](http://i.imgur.com/c381cKm.jpg). Normal looking scissors but with a razor sharp circle of teeth. This is where I fucked up. Holding my meat missile is one hand and carefully trimming with the other hand, I squeeze down on the scissors to cut a long hair at the bottom of my shaft. What I didn't notice was the tip of my dick was perfectly centered inside the circle of teeth. I squeeze dow. Chaos ensues. My bathroom looked like the red wedding part II. After getting 14 stitches my gf could do nothing but laugh at me. Did not have sex:(
TL;DR: Used kitchen scissors to trim pubes. Cut my dick open. I am not a smart man.
sayheytothebadguy: So....pic for science dude? I mean if two dick dude, and the guy that broke his dick could muster the courage im sure you can
[deleted]: > two dick dude
link?
Stpehen1: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1u75hh/i_am_the_guy_with_two_penises_ama
/u/DoubleDickDude
RandomG1rl: Well there went my morning...but now I have so many ideas for when the husband comes home. Thank you.
| 5 | 43 | |
1407804442 | 1407810088 | t3_2dagg0 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Lazarix: TIFU by telling someone that I loved them
so I accidentally got really ahead of myself and started to like someone. I got ahead of myself because I was feeling very happy for knowing this person and they make me feel great. I said "I think I love you quite a bit". I meant it in a way that said "I think you're a really really cool person, I'd love to be more than friends with you, I respect you so much that I want to treat you like a really special person before I rip your clothes off and devour you". the best I could come up with was what I said. That took her by surprise. I wish I could have said what I meant but I screwed it up.
klkevinkl: I did something similar once. She stopped talking to me and blocked me on everything.
smokinporch: Suuu7cks
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407798669 | 1407879388 | t3_2da5ia | t5_2to41 | 82 | honeybadger21: TIFU by buying a homeless man socks.
Ok so this isn't me that did this. This is my Dad's TIFU, but he told me to put the story on "that website I spend all day on."
So I will tell the story from his perspective.
"So I get to the gas station to get a couple cheap beers when I see a homeless person hanging out. He was old. Like 100 or something. I spent time being homeless so I figured why not help the guy out.
So I ask the guy what I can do to make his day better. The guy tells me he would love beer, but would rather have a new pair of socks. Very simple request so I tell the guy to jump in my car. He smiles and puts his bags in the front seat. We make our way to Kmart.
I get the guy about $5 in socks and drive back to the gas station where he wanted me to drop him back off. The whole time this guy is nice and isn't creepy or anything. So we pull in the gas station and this is where things start to go down hill.
As soon as I pull in, I hear a siren and see red and blue lights behind me. The officer approached my car and gave some stupid reason for why he pulled me over. Anyways, he asks us to step out of the car. I hadn't done anything wrong and neither did he so we got out of the car.
So the officer asks if he can search my car. I had problems with cops in the past so I just said yes seeing that I knew I had nothing to hide. So sure enough the officer starts going through my car.
After a few minutes he pulls out the homeless guys bag and takes out a small flask. Turns out it was half full of vodka. Seeing that the flask had alcohol in it turned into a open container violation. The officer detained myself and my new friend. He then found some reason to take us to lock up downtown.
So here I am sitting in an empty room at the jail. It had already been a couple hours when I started to notice how bad I had to piss. So I ask an officer to go the bathroom and he refused. I pestered him several times to go, but he kept refusing. It was so unbearable. By the 4th hour I couldn't control it anymore and pissed myself. I pissed so much that my pants were dripping from the unusual amount of piss.
So FINALLY, I was released with no way back to my car. So I had to walk my ass all the way back to the gas station in my piss soaked pants when it's 90 degrees out. It was a good 2 or 3 mile walk of shame.
So I finally get to my car, and drive my now empty bladder along with my defeated pride back home to finally change. From here on out, I think I'll just spare a few dollars instead of chancing another piss fest like I dealt with."
**TLDR:** Offered to buy a homeless man socks. Got pulled over. Found open container in bums bag. Got detailed for hours. Pissed my pants. Walk and drive of shame back home.
HijaDeTaco: I would've just pissed all over the room.
[deleted]: Sure it would be a good "to hell with you," to the cops, but they wouldn't have to clean it up. It's probably going to be some inncoent old lady so doing things like that is never a good idea
HijaDeTaco: She can take it up with negligent cops, after all, I'm but a wee ole lass from back in the day where we called sodiepop the Waterloo.
[deleted]: There's not much she can do, besides not work that job. Sure they can hire someone else, but point being, there's an extremely slim chance that it's actually going to be a cop that's cleaning it up.
HijaDeTaco: You don't have much of a sense of humor do you? There's plenty of factors that go into this and, yeah, it wouldn't be fair to an old lady, but, say, the person in the waiting cell has some kindof disease, open wounds, do you think they're going to piss all over themselves, infecting those wounds? No. The old lady signed up for the job, she might as well be prepared for things like that, doubt it'd be the worst she's dealt with.
[deleted]: > You don't have much of a sense of humor do you?
I guess you could say I'm more interested in other things :)
HijaDeTaco: Fair enough, but, my words were not meant to show insensitivity or come off as rude towards people that do have to deal with that, but, that being there job, they should know what they're in for.
| 8 | 10.25 | |
1407805882 | 1407810106 | t3_2daiz0 | t5_2to41 | 2 | MyDogSaysHey: TIFU by sleeping with my teacher
johnnywacko: Bullshit. A college teacher can't blackmail you like that. Tell her boss if she fails you.
MyDogSaysHey: I'm conflicted about fucking her life up
Ismokeweeed: She's threatening to fuck yours up. Besides it sounds like she could use some help anyway.
MyDogSaysHey: Yeah she probably could use some but I'd still feel like shit after getting her fired and I'm sure they'd charge her for something. Maybe I can make it out of her class and be fine?
Dinosoarman: Just keep banging her and it'll be fine. I mean, free sex, right?
Just use a condom so you wont be a father. :/
| 6 | 0.333333 | |
1407809665 | 1407856970 | t3_2dapam | t5_2to41 | 401 | RacecarEnginerd: TIFU by moving to Detroit
Unlike most tifu, this did happen today.
This day started out great. It was the (good) first day of a new job. On the way home, I-75 was closed due to heavy rain.
I left for dinner from home, and see flooded street with their sewer drains erupting. Back home to check the basement, which I found flooded 10" deep.
I've just moved in. I had been getting quotes and was going to buy renter's insurance tonight. I haven't fully unpacked, so I waded in Detroit shit water and began opening boxes in the basement to see how the movers had packed them. I had been pretty cool about things, but pouring water out of my PC tower was a real pisser. I'm going to disassemble and bag components with rice, but any other suggestions would be appreciated.
I suppose this is what happens in a city with crap infrastructure and half the city not paying their water bills. I thought Detroit's issues could be solved with security systems and handguns, but I was wrong.
tldr: basement flooded, I just moved and was unprepared
call-me-ishmail: Did the person selling you the house not tell you of the flooding problem? I mean usually that's something they should tell you.
RacecarEnginerd: My neighbor said this is very unusual and that his basement hasn't flooded in 20 years. I asked another neighbor and he said most folks don't even have sump pumps because it's so atypical.
My landlord said he called DWSD and they said the sewer backed up because it hadn't been cleaned, hence me blaming it on crap infrastructure. I'm just going by what I'm told.
ElementX98: Pc specs?
RacecarEnginerd: Older gaming PC. i7, GTX 460, 8GB RAM, etc
walterfilbert: Take a sad sad picture and get that shit on r/pcmasterrace. There are lots of generous people on there.
All the best, I'm sorry for your lots :( <3
redditlinkfixerbot: /r/pcmasterrace
***
*I am an automated bot. To have me not reply to your comments anymore, send "Please blacklist me from redditlinkfixerbot!" in the body of a private message.*
| 7 | 57.285714 | |
1407810133 | 1407912631 | t3_2daq0s | t5_2to41 | 42 | havok489: TIFU by trying to leave work early.
This happened about 10 years ago while working for a landscaping company.
I really did not like this job at the time and every day was just harder and harder to get through. It was a summer job at the time, so I knew that it would end soon enough, but this one particular day, I really just wanted to go home early. Well, I eventually had the brilliant thought of, "Maybe if I get sick or something, I can go home early." So I start thinking and thinking but can't find any way that would make it believable that I am sick. Then I had a Eureka moment where I thought that maybe if I passed out, I would be sent home.
Yes I know how stupid this sounds. I realized the same thing about 2 hours later at the time, but it didn't stop what happened next.
So my crew and I were walking from building to building and I had a weed-whacker with me along with some guys in front of me. It was very noisy with all of our engines on, and I thought that I could use that to cover up my breathing if I took big breaths in and out until I felt fuzzy. I had learned this technique in high school when my friends would try to make each other pass out (once again, unbelievably dumb).
So I'm breathing in real deep and long and feeling a little weird, and my one coworker looks back and asks me if I'm alright because I look a little weird. I don't know what I could have looked like but I told him that I was OK. About a minute later with the same deep breathing, I begin to feel really really fuzzy and close to passing out, but in a different way than I expected. I remember grabbing my coworkers shoulder and telling him that "I'm not okay." before collapsing to my knees still awake. The next thing I remember was the echoing sound of him running into one of the apartment entrances and shouting "Someone call 911." It was definitely eerie to think back to it. I never actually passed out, but I was very close to. But what happened next was very weird. My thumbs began to curl into my palm without my control. I began to lose the ability to move my fingers and I really couldn't make my thumb budge out of this contorted inward direction. This had me extremely freaked out as all of the crew came running towards me. They began feeding me fruit and snacks to stop whatever was happening.
Well, an ambulance arrived about 1 minute after everyone came over to me and they took my vitals and everything was coming back to me. I regained control of my fingers and could stand up again. At this point, I began to realize that they were going to really want to know how all of this happened and I damn sure wasn't going to say that I made myself breath heavy until I felt fuzzy. So I said that I had taken an extra vitamin that day.
Yea. An extra vitamin...because that makes sense to a paramedic.
Well thank god for shitty paramedic training because he literally let me go and told me to just watch myself. I was surprised and relieved to be honest. I did get sent home, but I had a lot of explaining to do with my parents since my brother was on the other crew that day and heard about what had happened. Needless to say, my dad still makes comments to this day about only taking one vitamin because I convinced him that this could happen if you take more than you're supposed to.
I felt horrible that I made my family and coworkers worry about it for that day or days. It's decisions like the one I made that day that make me really upset with my selfishness and laziness. I still just can't believe what I'd do to get home to do nothing, but luckily I have changed a lot since then.
The story is funny yet sad when I think about it, but most of all...it's a fuck up.
tl;dr - tried to make myself pass out at work so I could go home early.
ptoakmey: How can you make yourself pass out? Just curious (as in no, I won't try that)
havok489: Back in high school, we would tell someone to take really deep breaths while hunched over standing up. Then someone would choke you for about 5 seconds and you'd pass out. Basically choking someone with a little bit of help.
Dukepoppop: Very relatable, I bet everyone did this with their high school buddies.
directdread23: No, my cousin held me in a choke hold when i was 10 until i forcibly passed out, it scared me so much. My friends were thankfully smart enough to call.that dumb. Pot was good in my circle tho
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1407799283 | 1407873840 | t3_2da6vy | t5_2to41 | 53 | Avizand: TIFU by soiling my unitard during a JV tournament wrestling match.
Often when I competitively wrestle, I have focus on one thing: The person in front of me. So when I get thrown to the ground, I sometimes I fart. I've come to terms with it, because since the crowd is cheering, and the sweat already makes it stink, it often goes unnoticed.
I don't know what I ate to make it this way, but I really had to go to the bathroom, and the coach refused to let me go during the match. I decided to tough it out until it was my turn to go. My stomach was really churning, but I stepped on the mat nonetheless. My opponent then caught me off-guard, and preformed a double-leg take down (which is basically a tackle) and as I jumped onto him (sprawled) trying to force myself out of it, I shit out full-fledged diarrhea onto my opponents legs. Sure enough, all +500 people there saw, and let out a giant ***"EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW"*** as I ran as fast as humanly possible with shit running down my legs to the locker room.
I have since then moved schools and I am never wrestling again.
TL;DR: I shat diarrhea all over my opponent while fighting him, and quit wrestling forever.
P.S. I hope this is an exception to rule number 10.
relaxd4: Hahhahhaha.... Well that was a shitty situation to be in huh..
MellowHellNo: Shit really hit the fan for him on this one.
Captain_Altoids: I really hope his shit didn't hit any fans in the audience.
MellowHellNo: It's like a Gallagher show!
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1407796976 | 1407858271 | t3_2da28v | t5_2to41 | 6 | AChimimunima: TIFU by getting drunk and pissing off my hero, Jim Jefferies
About a month ago, I was beyond thrilled to finally see the man I look up to and my favorite comedian, Jim Jefferies, live for the first time ever. I had anxiously awaited the day for months, had somehow managed to score free rooms at a casino venue and life was good. I invited my sister and her friends as a treat for not only my birthday but also hers. Luck found us and we were complemented with 2 extra tickets for her friends. We spent the day like any other at a casino, some gambling here, some drinks there, fun stuff. It was a great time.
Hours went by and my wallet was doing pretty good, drinks came around often which, as some of you may not know, are free if you’re on the floor in hopes that you gamble more. Mimosas, White Russians, Greyhounds, Grateful Deads, white wine, red wine, beer, sex on the beach, etc. Things were getting foggy, the bonding time with my sister was much needed, I don’t recall us having a time like this before… it’s 7pm.. arrived at noon… has it really been seven hours?
We hadn’t eaten since the ride out, as the bartender slipped us some pretzels we realized that the show starts promptly at eight. We raced to the room to get ready, things were becoming more foggy on the way.
Queue Jim Jefferies entrance. Fucking brilliant he is. Somehow more luck found us, our 5th row seats landed us in the front row which was unoccupied. A waitress comes around, again the drinks are free. We asked for wines, and they didn’t skimp either. These were the tall boys, the fucking holy grails of red wine that sent us over the edge. In the moment I recall his performance nothing less of spectacular, you ask me today and it pains me that we drank so much that I can’t remember.
This is where my sister and I become black out. I remember blips of shouting out references to Legit, and my sister unknowingly would follow suit. This happened a lot. Enough to make Jim pause during the performance and wait, wait for the two drunken dicks (at the time) to finish yelling semi-understandable references. Her friends were a section back and by the time the show was over you could see the anger in their faces.
After the show we still didn’t grasp how misconstrued our perception on the situation was. We met Jim outside for pictures, thanked him, had a laugh and went on our way. I also saw some high school friends there and Jim told me sternly to “go have your reunion elsewhere”.
We didn’t talk to my sisters friends much that night. We did see Jim a second time on the casino floor at about 3am (after a lot more drinking) shook his hand and thanked him for the awesome show.
After a hell of a hangover, upon waking, I discovered that I had recorded six minutes of the show on my phone. Call it fate, but I never would have grasped how shitty I acted if this hadn’t been the case. The sheer anguish I felt after watching how ridiculous we acted.. right in the feels. I dun goofed, dun fucked up. To this day my stomach turns when I think of it. I had second thoughts about posting, but I guess it feels better to get this out. I turned my hero into an enemy and turned what could have been one of the greatest times in recent memory, into one of the shittiest.
**TL;DR** A casino fed me free liquor which in turn produced a bunch of shitty decision making and I potentially ruined a performance of one of my favorite comedians of all time, and the experience for a lot of people.
Jim, if you ever read this I did sincerely want to apologize. I think the world of you and am inspired by your work. Bring back Legit. Love you, dude. And… Sorry.
ordinaryspecial: Casinos and comedians and shouting shit blackout drunk are nothing new.
Ask Patton Oswalt. Your favorite comedian got a fuckload of money for that show, because of people like you.
He'll be fine, you'll be fine.
This isn't a fuckup my friend, this is their bread and golden butter. Casinos pay them very very very large sums of money knowing that people like you will drunkenly damage any sense of comedic integrity or balance or rapport they normally like to build with an audience.
I'm willing to bet that he got paid more for that one show than for a season of Legit, easy.
I highly suggest you see Patton Oswalts new standup special (online... pay for it and get some of your comedy karma back) he literally talks about this exact situation. And he's hilarious. It should help to ease your concern some.
Now I sound like a Patton promoter. Which I am. Unpaid.
kevin_k: It's a fuckup not only because he annoyed JJ, but because he fucked up the show for the hundreds of other people.
| 3 | 2 | |
1407812670 | 1407951518 | t3_2daufe | t5_2to41 | 6 | AHughes1078: TIFU by asking a co-worker if she is planning on re-coloring her hair
I'm 19. I've worked at a grocery store for over 3 years, and a bunch of my friends work there, as well. There's a woman who works there, too. She's in her late 50s. A couple of months ago, we were talking, and I told her that she looked about 50 years old, and she said something like, "Really? Thanks! But I'm not. How do you think I've kept my hair this color for so long?"
So on Saturday, I noticed that her roots were showing a lot of grey, so I said, "Are you going to re-color your hair or are you going to let it turn grey?" And she didn't say much, but she was noticeably quiet around me for the rest of the evening, and I noticed that I had hurt her feelings a bit.
But there is another co-worker who kept rubbing it in that I upset her, and I already knew that. He said, "Why don't you go ask that customer if she's going to color her hair, too?" So I playfully walked up to him and lightly slapped him on the face a couple of times. Not hard, but enough to irritate him and have him try to shove me away. I later tried to apologize to him, but he just stared at me and didn't say anything. Things were awkward for the rest of the evening.
Today I was informed that the first co-worker went home that evening and cried about it, told her husband (who she had to convince not to come in scream at me), came into work today and told everyone that I made her cry and that she had thought about quitting because of it. And this is all because I asked her if she was going to re-color her hair.
Now, I understand that I hurt her feelings a lot, and it's obviously a touchy thing for her to joke about, but I can't shake the feeling that she overreacted. I mean, I feel awful about saying anything in the first place, but I guess I just don't know. A lot of my other co-workers are mad at me, including the one I slapped, who told everyone a more exaggerated version of what happened.
I am having anxiety attacks because of it, and I want to apologize face to face. I don't know when I'll be working with her again.
I've known this woman for over 3 years at work, and she knows me very well. I figured she would have understood my sense of humor better than that, but I guess not.
**TLDR: Asked a co-worker if she was letting her hair grey out. She cries and considers quitting job because of it, tells everyone about what I said, and now I have angered everyone at work. My anxiety is flaring up, and I now fear for my job.**
**I get that this isn't really the place to get advice, but it's what I'd prefer. I know this is a place to tell funny stories, but I couldn't think where else to post this. I'd honestly like advice for my situation.**
Sparkles-n-Shit: Going grey is something that many women are sensitive about regardless of their age. It's not something you can control, but it's something that makes you look older and no one wants that. Rather than confront her, you should just apologize.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Why does your species care so much about the fact that they're getting older?
It's not like its something you humans can control. What is wrong with age?
AHughes1078: What does YOUR species care differently about?
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: We accept that age happens, and that with time comes age. However, we also understand that with time comes experience and learning, which we view in the highest regard.
Therefore, we view aging in high regard. Elders are respected.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407814378 | 1407867765 | t3_2dax7a | t5_2to41 | 1,610 | spank_bot: TIFU by watching porn with my wife (NSFW)
So my wife and I are on the couch when she all of a sudden says, "I kinda want to watch porn." YUSSSSS. I'm ready for this. All I have is my smartphone, so instead of letting the mood die while finding and booting up a laptop, I open up my porn browser on my phone. You know what I'm talking about, the one you use in private/incognito mode when you're hurtin for a jerkin and you don't want someone to accidentally stumble upon anything.
I browse to pornhub and begin my search for the perfect wife porn...X-Art. She's watching me type in my search query and immediately a dropdown below the search bar appears. My face implodes in pure horror as my search history unfolds before us; I could feel the atom bomb about to detonate in my chest, or my pants:
Husband watches wife
Black cocks gangbang
Two shemales bang girl
Black stepdad
Wife gangbang
Stepson
Threesome cage submission
French wife threesome
See more
My wife sits up and looks at me, her mouth in a surprise gasp. Me: "WHAT?! Babe, that's not right." I must think fast. Quick, pull something out your ass! ..."WAIT a minute, I used this browser because I'm on my work phone and I didn't want it to store any web history or cache any sites. This search history can't be here?!" ...She raises an eyebrow... "OH I KNOW. This browser uses a proxy! It's routing through another server, and pornhub must be saving search history based on IP! These are other people's searches!"
She's sort of buying it. I have to bring it home. "Come on babe, shemales? Seriously? What the fuck?"
Wife: "Really?"
Me: "Yes really, what am I some kind of weirdo?"
Wife: "Ok then, what were we going to watch?"
Victory.
I'm confident that I've given her about 95% assurance on my answer. Unfortunately, I know it will always be in the back of her mind that I'm into some freaky shit.
tl;dr While searching for porn to watch with my wife, my porn search history popped up and I had to bullshit my way out of it.
[deleted]: Today you fucked up because your wife is a redditor!
Mathwiz100: Now...now I'm really curious if you're his wife or not. OP pls deliver
Bakiratina: OP pls
iama_shitty_person: RIP in piece, OP
Raised_bi_Wolves: "RIP in peace, OP" is EXTREMELY satisfying to say out loud.
iama_shitty_person: It has a nice alliterative quality to it
Raised_bi_Wolves: It's my new favourite poem.
| 8 | 201.25 | |
1407812217 | 1407815985 | t3_2datnl | t5_2to41 | 4 | mrtoocool: TIFU By picking up my used condom after I threw it out of my car
Like most posts this didn't happen today but a few years back...
I was fresh outta college on summer break 2010. I had a girlfriend and lets cut to the chase, we had sex as much as we could. The only problem was we both still stayed at home. So we did like most respectable college students and fucked in my car... A LOT.
One night I took us to "The Spot". The name we gave the park where I gave her the D. It was humid as hell that night but nothing was going to stop us from doing the deed.
Started off with some making out but i cut it short and went down on her. (yeah im one of those guys that loves to eat pussy). Fast-forward... I made her cum twice. She loved it. Blah blah blah. Now lets get to my fuck up.
After I emptied my balls in the condom I took it off, cleaned myself up, and threw the condom out the car. It was my first time tossing a used condom out of my car and Of course she complained about it.
So i grabbed some tissue to pick up the condom. As im bringing it into the car something bites my hand. I try to take a closer look but cant see cuz its dark.
I grabbed my phone and turn on my flashlight. To my horror ants were crawling all over the condom! I freak out for a second and drop the condom in my lap like a dumb ass.I frantically brush the ants off of my junk but wasnt able to prevent getting bit.
Picking up that condom was the worst most painful decision of my life. Needless to say she had a good laugh about it.
[deleted]: You made me wince, squirm, and exclaim "AW GODDAMN" in pure and utter fear at the thought of ants crawling around on my genitals. Have an upvote. God knows you've earned it.
mrtoocool: Thanks!!!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407814938 | 1407815235 | t3_2day3d | t5_2to41 | -4 | [deleted]: TIFU By Watching Mrs Doubtfire
[deleted]: I was watching Jumanji last night after having an hour long conversation with my boyfriend about his movies that consisted of a YouTube stand up comedy battle session showing our favorites to each other and arguing which was best.
We may have assisted.
Dougmvp: Wow.. that was good timing.. coincidence.
| 3 | -1.333333 | |
1407816657 | 1407825548 | t3_2db0pf | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a motorbike accident due to blue balls - NSFW
This happened many years ago, when I owned my first road motorbike.
So I had been around this girl's house, we shall call her Penny. I had been friendly with Penny online for about a month, but this was the first time I had met up with her. She invited me over to her house because she was bored, so I hopped onto my motorbike, and rode over.
We were chatting on the lounge in her sunroom, her parents were out but her sister was home. Sister leaves, and we start making out. Things get heavy, we retire to her bedroom which is directly connected to the sunroom.
She is pretty nervous, so I go down on her. We are at it for about 10 minutes, when we hear the front door close and her father call out. I hurriedly get dressed, very well aware of the fact that my mouth, nose, cheeks and chin are SOPPING wet, and all I can smell is her vagina.
I enter the sunroom and make a beeline for the bathroom attached to the sunroom, get in a hurried wave to say hi to her Dad who hadn't walked out the back yet and hadn't seen we were in her room. I wash my face, and come out and small talk ensures. Meanwhile I'm doing my best to conceal my obvious boner through tight jeans.
Dad was only home for 10 minutes,and he leaves again. However the moment is lost, and she has cold feet. She tells me she is heading over her to friends, so I leave for home.
Now at this point I'm blue balling like crazy, having been years since I had been aroused and not let a load go I've forgotten how much it can hurt. I'm usually a very attentive rider, but I'm distracted on the ride home.
I am riding on a main arterial road in heavy traffic (25kms/15mph's roughly when this SMOKING hot blonde catches my eye walking on the footpath. I can't take my eyes off her, and I'm pretty sure half of it had to do with my throbbing testicles. I turn my head back around, and the traffic has stopped. I jam both front and back brakes on, but it's not enough. I hit the car in front of me doing about 10kms/6mph. I'm still only on a learner's permit at this stage, and I'm mentally kicking myself wondering how much this is going to cost me.
I follow the car off to a side street where we can both pull over and exchange information. The driver is a woman, and tells me it's a work car. When she comes back and checks the bumper for damage, she tells me that there was already some damage back there and my tire hitting it doesn't seem to have made it much, if any worse. I feel thankful that something that day has turned out ok, and head on home.
TL;DR Get all hot and heavy with a girl, don't do the deed and hit a car with my motorbike while being distracted by aching nuts and a gorgeous blonde.
ZombiesAteMyLabors: You're a scumbag for basically cheating on your girlfriend i'm glad you wrecked your bike
greywolfau: Where did I say I had a girlfriend at the time, or that I wrecked my bike ?
Comprehension is a wonderful thing, try using it sometime.
theone2780: Cannot upvote this enough
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407818588 | 1407923593 | t3_2db3eu | t5_2to41 | 21 | gwthrowaway25: TIFU by causing a girl to delete her gonewild account
Yesterday I was on gonewild and saw a pic of a poster that was VERY popular. Something seemed familiar. I couldn't place it. I looked through her past submissions, looking through her hundreds of gonewild photos... And then it came to me. That body, that hair, that pose, even that background. Even though her head was cut out of every shot, I knew who she was. She used to post regularly on other subreddits that I frequented, but not nude photos and with her face in the picture. She recently deleted her old account after some controversy. I compared pics of her from her old account and new account and it was obvious they were the same girl.
So I sent her a message last night letting her know I figured out who she was rather easily (since she's had popular reddit posts before/used to post frequently on multiple subreddits) and that if she wanted to remain anonymous she might want to take some steps to have old photos removed. I've heard some terrible stories about girls having nude pics sent to their boss, family, friends, used on dirty sites, etc. so I wanted to let her know to give her a chance to save her privacy.
At first it seemed like she didn't believe me, so I sent her proof (nude pic vs. face pic, very obviously taken in the same room and obviously the same person) and again suggested she take some precautions to maintain her privacy. She didn't reply to the second message. Then she deleted her account and all of her pics.
Woops.
She was indeed very popular on that sub, so sorry to all the lads who enjoyed her pics - I didn't mean to ruin it for you.
And to girl who shall remain anonymous, if you see this - i'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you into leaving gonewild, I was just trying to help!
veterantoker: Why is this even a thing you felt necessary to tell her? I know it says that you were trying to help and all that, but seriously? She didn't ask you to help her hide her identity. She is not a damsel in distress, and your screenname isn't CaptainSaveaHoe.....forgive me for coming off hostile, but I just don't understand why you felt the need to even do that. Did she post about having difficulties hiding her identity?
gwthrowaway25: Seriously? I did it because i'm a girl who would want someone to look out for me in the same way if I were in her situation. If it wasn't necessary or she didn't agree with me then she wouldn't have deleted her account or taken her photos down. She could have ignored my message if it wasn't helpful or needed, but she didn't so that says something.
pulsefrequency: It may have lowered the creep factor if you let her know you are also female
gwthrowaway25: I did let her know, which is probably why she didn't just brush me off as a creep.
pulsefrequency: Idk why I assumed you hadn't, a previous comment probably had put the idea in my head.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1407818579 | 1408428493 | t3_2db3ea | t5_2to41 | 65 | watchOUTiBITE: TIFU-By agreeing to buy my roommate a sex toy
TIFU- So today my roommate asked me to buy her a sex toy. And I agreed to it. She is pregnant and didn't think it a wise choice to go out looking for a fuck buddy so me being stupid agreed to it. So we are looking at this toy website and she asks if I have ever had a toy. I told her I did. She asked to see it. And I responded that I no longer have it. She asked why. And me being stupid didn't see a problem with being honest and told her why. I looked her straight in the eye and said it didn't fit so I gave it to my best friend. She had a shocked look on her face and then died of laughter. It lasted for almost 35 minutes. When she finally stopped laughing and she wiped her tears away she said to me that I'm either hella tight or I didn't know how to use it. So today my roommate found out I have just about little to zero sex life which result in a 7" dildo not fitting inside me.
t1tg: Don't feel bad, I can't fit a seven inch dildo inside me either. But since I'm a guy I'm thankful for that.
heilspawn: how about some training
NSWF http://www.wtfp.org/a-centuries-old-wooden-dildo-machine-i-found-in-a-torture-museum-in-toledo-spain/
LumpySpaceBrotha: I love how the girl in the picture is smiling, completely forgetting that she has her hands on a device that actually dildoed actual people,,
heilspawn: that's why shes smiling
LumpySpaceBrotha: yeah but should she be? I means, some pretty horrendous shit happened on that device. Imagine you were dildoed to death, against your will, because you said something bad about your boss. Imagine all that pain you would be in. Imagine the awful realization you would have, moments before death, about how you are essentially being fucked to death. Its kind of a fucked up thing to smile about when you over-analyze it like i do.
watchOUTiBITE: But then again what if you like that much brut in your sex life... if in so you like that sort of thing you died in.a.way you were happy with. (Not that I'm in to that much brut... that's a little too kinky for my taste)
| 7 | 9.285714 | |
1407819554 | 1407824478 | t3_2db4mq | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Tifu by talking dirty
So me and the girl I was having sex with, were having sex of course, a couple of hours ago, and she's facing me, were sideways and she's soaking wet. I was so surprised, and I usually talk dirty really well cause I thought I'd finished saying dumb shit like this, but I go, "it's so wet I can't even tell it's in"
And it's just one of those where right after you say it you sorta pause and go "huh, sounded better in my head" and that was the end of sex and yea bad choice of words. She looked at me and just sorta like.. It looked like she was eating a sour candy that started to get more intense
ChroniclesIY: Should have played it off like it was nothing and kept going maybe she would have questioned if she heard right..
[deleted]: Na I tried to play it off haha she heard :(
Foreigncarwhipper: Should have said, "look bitch, you didnt even let me finish what i was saying." Then say "what i was trying to say was, i cant even tell if its --someword that starts with in--."
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407821550 | 1407846939 | t3_2db77y | t5_2to41 | -40 | exhaustedmom: TIFU by crying first day on job.
I am a grown woman who started the water works and couldn't effectively stop them at work today. Literally today.
I have worked Customer Service positions for years. An irate individual is no surprise to me, and I have felt confident in such interactions. Today, first day on a new job, my belief in this was tested.
I had a phone call from a belligerent customer, demanding that we reconnect his service. He kept repeating his address and that we resolve the issue. I empathize, and let him know I will look into it. After 2 failed searches, I ask if I could have him spell his name in order to access his account. As expected, he becomes more outraged, again, with patience, I explain in order to help him I need to have his information in front of me. I need to know what needs fixing. The call gets more out of hand, more shout-y, demanding to speak with someone who knows what they are doing, and that he is disconnecting to call my boss directly. Apologize for me wasting his time, and offer to transfer him. One more attempt to gain information to pass along to superiors and he disconnects.
I am alone in the office, with my immediate supervisor having stepped out. I am taking a few deep breaths, looking out my window (in turn back to my door) when I hear my door get knocked down and truthfully generally "LOUD NOISES!"
My immediate supervisor, along with 2 of her peers begin questioning me about the phone call I just had. I began to explain the situation when, in a fit of laughter, they announce that they were prank calling me. First day anxiety, fear that my boss is blowing in angry to my office, get the tears on the rim of my eyes. Upon announcing they were fucking with me, tears roll. I tried to stop them, but they weren't having it. Tears, shame, without an exit as these 3 managers are blocking the door, bubble out of me, with a full audience on my first day.
TL;DR- basically rocked it my first day by coming off as the emotionally unstable employee.
cdncbn: Please don't go back to that job. The red flags are so large I kind of want to take a great leap forward.
The_Alpha_Pig: Red flags? They pulled a silly joke and OP over-reacted. It's not that bad, far out.
cdncbn: You are wrong. It is that bad.
"They pulled a silly joke and OP over-reacted. It's not that bad, far out." is exactly what alpha pigs say after they beat their partners.
The_Alpha_Pig: Well holy hell, that escalated quickly. Your a nutcase.
cdncbn: Well, I may be a nutcase. But I'm also a successful business owner. I'm a successful business owner because my staff trusts me. My staff trusts me because I avoid hiring/fire douchenozzles like you.
The_Alpha_Pig: You didn't answer my question.
cdncbn: Consider yourself lucky I even bothered to reply to you.
The_Alpha_Pig: Hahaha wtf? Why the hell would I care? I think your an idiot.
yottskry: *you're
Successfully proving who the idiot is here.
The_Alpha_Pig: Sweet, you corrected me on Reddit. You've certainly got me in a jam.
| 11 | -3.636364 | |
1407823058 | 1407855283 | t3_2db91b | t5_2to41 | 376 | RooftopHoodlum: TIFU by grabbing a vagina
This actually happened yesterday, but I digress.
Setting: my friend's car. Time: 1am or some shit like that, I don't know.
A few friends and I were just leaving a frequented watering hole of ours, so naturally, we mosey on back to the car to figure out what's next. A few ideas were tossed around, but the general consensus was to get this box hot. So, I get to it and roll up a nice J and we proceed.
Now, it's me in the passenger seat, with (to preserve anonymity) L driving, T, N in the back, and A (the only female) directly behind me. T was munching on some fries and he passes them off to A. I obviously had to get in on that action so I politely ask for some fries, but T says I'm going to have to grab them. Absolutely dedicated to nabbing some fries, I turn around in my seat to search for them. To be 100% fair, it was dark as fuck, and in my altered state, I mistook A's skirt for a cardboard container of fried potato goodness tucked between her legs and took a nice handful. It definitely took me longer than it should have to realize what I had just reached for.
I didn't even get any fries.
Edit: Words.
FalcotheFalcon: Go on..
REIGN_OF_COCKS: THEN HE FUCKED HER AND THEY GOT MARRIED.
Foreigncarwhipper: And that kids is how i met your mother.
RavagedSouI: A much better ending!
ZoomJet: Her name? Robin! Awww
FancyPingo: Fuck Robin
AdamJCLe: Why not? :)
FancyPingo: Shut up Swarley
| 9 | 41.777778 | |
1407823709 | 1407830966 | t3_2db9sx | t5_2to41 | 121 | tinp16: [NSFW] TIFU by lasting longer than the dude...
So this story starts a few weeks ago... This super attractive guy (let's call him Mark), and I started talking. Ya know, casual stuff. Not much going on. One night, I got drunk and started texting him that I thought he was attractive. Ever since then, he started talking to me more and more. Slowly, the conversation got more and more... 'Interesting.'
He started telling me how much he wanted me, and we started making plans to see each other. A few nights ago, he picks me up from my house in a Ford Explorer and we drive out onto a backroad. We climb in the back, and the clothes come off. We're making out, feeling each other up.
I'll add that I recently got out of a long term relationship, and this was my first encounter with a guy since the breakup. I was looking forward to blowing off some steam. I was a lioness on the prowl for some meat.
After minimal foreplay, I start to ride him. Easy pace, nothing too intense. Got to have room to grow, ya know? Not even 20 seconds in, his eyes get wide and he looks at me.
"Uhm, I think you should stop."
I look at him, seriously confused and very disappointed. Was I really that terrible? I just sit there on top of him for another 2 seconds, trying to figure out what's going on. He looks at me again...
"Uh... I'm finished..."
He fucking came after 20 seconds. And he didn't even bother to help me finish afterwards. I'm pissed, I really had pent up emotions to get rid of.
We stop, put our clothes on, and he silently drives me home. Tells me goodnight, I get out of the truck, and walk back into my house.
And to make matters worse? He still hasn't texted me many days later. Fuck. I'm disappointed.
Tl;dr Fucked a guy, he came way too soon, now things are just super awkward and unfinished, other than him. He finished... Too early.
lucky_vii: I would say he is embarrassed as hell and will never live it down so you will never hear from him. He should have at least helped you finish.
tinp16: Damn rights, I'd say so... For someone who has as much sex as he does, I don't understand how he fucked that up so badly.
lucky_vii: Maybe he just found you smoking hot? I been there before, but I would take care of her while I was recharging and getting my shit under control ;)
tinp16: Honestly, as soon as I stripped he told me I was really sexy. So that seems likely. Nevertheless, I'm disappointed. He wasn't even a gentleman about it... You should give this guy some lessons.
lucky_vii: Your disappointment is understandable. I'm sure you'll find someone to help with your "pent up emotions"
tinp16: Thanks, I'm glad somebody cares! :p I'll find someone better to knock boots with.
Random_ass_name: Knock boots being used by a woman.. I Love it. Seriously, I am not certain I have ever heard a woman use that phrase.
| 8 | 15.125 | |
1407822655 | 1407871734 | t3_2db8js | t5_2to41 | 9 | heilspawn: TIFU by getting a bunch of people banned at my high school (this was a long time ago)
When I was in I school I was a little shit. Once I ran out to the foot ball field and grabbed the football and ran though the courtyard an to the cafeteria. I saw a bunch of people by the door (inside the doors have windows) but didn't think anything about it because everything was going by so fast. I ran though the door jumping across tables and threw the ball in a random direction. Keep in mind its lunch time and the place is full. I hear a big crash and look behind me as the group of footballers crashed into the group of the handicap kids at the door.
YouWantALime: Where did the ball end up?
heilspawn: I don't remember I either threw it randomly as I was running across the tables or dropped in a disabled kids lap
YouWantALime: So you might have dropped the football that a group of *football players* were *angrily chasing* into a *disabled kid's* lap?
heilspawn: yeah :( looking back I was fucked up I guess
YouWantALime: Well not as fucked up as those disabled kids are right now.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1407824339 | 1408023863 | t3_2dbaik | t5_2to41 | 22 | sententialelf: TIFU by criticizing my boyfriend's religious views
Yeah okay fine this didn't happen today but anyways...
My new bf (we were about 3 months in at this point) comes over to spend the night at my place after we had made up from a fairly large fight. The night went well, although I had a rather strange dream about him being a creationist and us arguing about creationism/evolution.
I wake up the next morning and casually mention the dream, and laughed it off with something like "...but of course you wouldn't be dumb enough to be a creationist..." and I look over and he's giving me the coldest stare I've ever seen from a man.
Turns out, he was indeed a young-earth creationist.
Now at this point I could have just dropped it, but argumentative me decides a better course of action is to try and convince him why he's wrong. Needless to say, that didn't end well, and he storms out of the apartment, hurling obscenities on his way out. For nearly two weeks, he brings up how he has never dared criticize my religion (I'm not Christian) and how I was intolerant/cruel/a huge bitch for daring to challenge his religious views and that he was seriously considering breaking up with me...
We're still together and this has blown over, but lesson learned.
Seldarin: While I'm not religious, I'll generally give a lot of religious beliefs a pass, because most of it falls under the "Well, you never know." type stuff that can't be proven one way or the other. Young Earth Creationism is not one of those beliefs. We have cultures older than they think the entire planet is.
TYFU by not ditching him the minute you found out he was an idiot.
WPBDoc: Thank you for demonstrating that "tolerance" is almost always a one-way street for those who scream about it the loudest. Talk about narrow-minded....
Seldarin: You can have your own opinion, but you aren't entitled to your own facts. I see no reason to suffer fools that think the Earth is younger than some civilizations any more than I see any reason to be nice to people that think the Earth is flat. They're equally disproven and equally stupid.
WPBDoc: You compartmentalize yourself into a cloud of ignorance. Science, philosophy, literature, ethics, morality, mathematics are intricately inter-related. If you weren't so blinded by your own prejudice and actually practice some of the tolerance your type always scream about, you might just learn something. Instead, you typify what you claim to be above. Your arrogance would be humorous if it wasn't so pathetic. Here's a clue -- subscribing to /r/atheism does not make you an expert on the co-relation between faith and science.
Seldarin: Let me be absolutely clear about this: There are clonal plant colonies that are older than you think the universe is. There's plenty of other evidence that proves YEC is absolutely irrevocably wrong, but that one piece is plenty. Your parents should be fucking ashamed of themselves for turning you out into the world as stupid as you are.
Now take your meaningless buzzword spouting to /r/iamverysmart and go be persecuted at someone else, because you've got no interest in backing up your stupid opinion with anything more than stupid opinion, you're a dumbass, and I'm done.
WPBDoc: You are clearly the idiot. You can't see beyond your own narrow prejudice. No where do you see me stating that I'm a Young Earther. (I'm not.) I'm simply stating that it is the height of ignorance and arrogance to close your mind to the arguments of others with whom you might disagree. I don't -- you obviously do and in doing so reveal the real level of your intellect (and it ain't deep.) I would love to have you in one of my graduate classes so I could unveil you for the shallow thinker that you truly are.
Seldarin: Yeah, I'm sure I'd be crushed when I failed your philosophy class at Bob Jones University.
So you entertain the arguments of flat Earthers? Moon Landing deniers? Chemtrails nuts?
If there were scientific arguments in favor of YEC, you'd have presented them. Instead you shouted about how closed minded everyone is without bothering to refute the fact (Yes. Fact.) that there are organisms that are older than YECs think the universe is.
Are we supposed to entertain the ideas of every crazy person that thinks they possess some mystical knowledge, or just the ones that happen to agree with you?
WPBDoc: Thought you were done with me??? Couldn't resist. Your tactics are specious. So throw out demeaning suggestions (Bob Jones University would kick me off their campus), use straw arguments by pointing to absurd extremes and throw in a dollop of condescending arrogance. In doing so you miss the opportunity to demonstrate you know "how" to think and not simply "what" to think. But you've never really tried to carry on a rational conversation who subscribes to the Intelligent Design theory, have you? I'm guessing that what you are accepting as "fact" is really theory.
Finally, now I'M over you and I'm out. Watch carefully and see how it is actually done.
JakeT-life-is-great: There is no "rational discussion" with ID's idiots. They have zero facts other than their "bibul says so". ID is nothing more than religious garbage trying to masquerade as science.
| 10 | 2.2 | |
1407824257 | 1407870295 | t3_2dbaev | t5_2to41 | 90 | [deleted]: TIFU by grabbing a 12 year old's dick.
This actually happened 7 years ago in my first hear of highschool.
**Prologue**: In the summer of 2007, i was a 12 year old child, avidly engage in outdoor activity with my peers, this was the peak of my physical fitness and this is evident in my performance throughout my school sports. This is highly relevant to the story, because in my mind i was fully prepared to take on any challenge. My ego was severely mislead, as in hindsight, i was not capable of as much as i thought.
**Story:**
Every Friday, our school decides to collect the children of each year and send them down to the field to engage in some type of challenge where we exert out stamina in team based events. This week was OzTag. That is basically like touch football, but you need to pull a tag off someones waist to stop them. Our teams are chosen for us, they're extraordinarily similar in numerous aspects. Towards the end of the game, the score is even, there are a few minutes left, so the pressure is building, i would even go as far to say the atmosphere was intense. Now, my 12 year old self thought i could take on anything, so i chose defence and told everyone else to play on strike, because i can handle that right? No, no i cannot. I know this because a single striker from the opposing team escaped the clasp of my team mates and commenced barreling towards me at high speeds. I assessed the situation, balanced myself, and ran towards the kid in an effort to surprise him before he could step past me. As he approached me, he tried to side step me and i fully extended my body in a magnificent leap for his tag. He anticipated my movement and rotated his body 360 degrees to avoid the firm grip of my muscular hand. At the exact moment my arm was reaching the maximum distance was the moment his body had completed 1/4 of the spin, thus revealing his vulnerable and unprotected genitals which were rapidly approaching my hand.
It was at this point that i knew the penis grasp was inevitable, but not to this extent. My hand grabbed the base of his penis and ever so gently caressed it all the way to the tip before i released and commenced my revolt for the male anatomy, this was followed by a loud "WHAT THE FUCK" as he escaped me and acquired victory for his team. So there i am, lieing on the ground, defeated. The warm, subtle touch of his penis lies in my hand as everyone initiates laughter for the horrific event they just witnessed. This was reinforced by a loud exclaim of "DID YOU JUST GRAB MY DICK?" which only further encouraged the school children's ridicule.
TL;DR: Got cockblocked
pulsefrequency: I think I was put on a list just for reading this
howthee123: Its one of those FUs that you see and you're like "I can't *not* read this one"
| 3 | 30 | |
1407825942 | 1407856684 | t3_2dbc89 | t5_2to41 | 11 | InvalidFish: TIFU because I didn't know she was a biter. (NSFW)
First time poster, long time lurker. If I messed anything up, let me know and I'll fix it. Names replaced with letters.
[TL;DWTR: (Too long, don't want to read)](/s "Tried to have sexual relations with a woman, she bit my lip and neck so hard and so many times I looked like a spousal abuse victim and even after she squirts all over me she doesn't even give me a handjob.")
This all started at a previous party where a very drunk girl, named E, tried to make out with me and every other guy at the party. I politely refused in an attempt to prevent the spread of whatever disease she was dying to spread. However, my friend K, wanted to set me up with her and I sometimes find myself low enough to succumb to baser desires, so she ended up with my phone number and we conversed some via text.
Fast forward to another recent party at K's new place. I brought my margarita machine and was making unlimited Marc-aritas for everyone. Some very small-talk was shared with E. Normal party, lots of people talking about stuff, movie in the background on one TV, some fighting games on the one upstairs. Near the end of the night everyone is drunkenly button mashing Injustice. She ends up sitting behind me, and starts giving me a back massage and pulling my head around to sneak kisses. I say sneak, but I mean brazenly make-out in front of everyone and pretend to be ashamed. I did not bring condoms to this event, I don't normally plan on nailing skanky girls in my friend's bed. But when the end of the night came near, and I headed to the downstairs couch to sleep off the Marc-aritas, one by one the entire house resident population asked if I needed condoms and eventually a friend pushed me to go to the guest room where she was staying. Since I wasn't planning on fucking her and I had refused the offers of condoms, and quickly established this fact with the 'lady'. But there she was, willing and waiting. I assumed we would still find some great disgusting perverted ways to enjoy ourselves though.
We started making out on the bed. She started by sucking on my lip but then it just kept getting more intense until she was just chewing on my lip. Not even romantic nibbles, just fucking all teeth. I would try to distract her mouth from destroying my lip by sacrificing my tongue to distract her, but I was afraid she would cut right through my tongue and quickly retreated it. My lip began to swell, and the swollen part was just a bigger weaker, target to her ministrations. If I tried to put my face in her neck/shoulder pocket my neck would get the same treatment. Afterwards, I looked into a mirror. I looked like a spousal abuse victim advocacy poster.
But like a proper gentleman, I offered my services first. I dove in fast, like an eager army recruit, who can't wait to 'see some action' but quickly that turned into a grizzly veteran who had seen some shit. It was properly trimmed, but the smell and taste... Well, I only gagged a little. She pulled me up from her crotch and sucked on my fingers with such slutty skill, I was eager to get her to cum so she could quit practicing on my digits and get to the real thing. So I started finger fucking that pussy.
I was like little Jack Horner with my thumb in her pie when she popped like a balloon. She squirted all over the mattress (the mattress of my friend's boyfriend - the guilt...). It was like the Valdez oil spill, except instead of oil all over fish, it was a pungent fish smell all over my hand. It left a wet spot deep enough to qualify as the eighth sea. But once she came, that was it. She didn't immediately sink down and suck my dick. She didn't even give me a stroke. I laid on my back and she dragged her fingers across my chest but they never ventured further south than my navel. I was stunned, and could only assume that any moment now she would return the favor. Never happened. I felt used. Like the classic stereotype but with roles reversed of the guy who comes and leaves the woman unsatisfied.
Eventually I fell asleep, and played nice in the morning, hoping she had recovered from the alcohol and the intense orgasm I had given her and would recognize her rude behavior and try to recompense by blowing me like a birthday cake.
Nope. Nothing. All I got was some smelly fingers and regret. Like seriously smelly though. Washed my hands, took a shower... still stunk. I'm pretty sure none of the food I made for the next 24 hours was sanitary. And I look like I lost a contest of who-can-give-the-biggest-hickeys-that-barely-don't-require-treatment-of-massive-internal-bleeding.
[deleted]: Here's a crazy idea...ASK! Good grief. One does not get what he wants by just wishing it.
InvalidFish: I know, I know, lesson learned. At the time, low self-esteem and low sexual self-confidence combined with tequila did not allow me to properly think it through.
[deleted]: hahaha Think we've all been there
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1407830298 | 1407913071 | t3_2dbgc9 | t5_2to41 | 12 | skinneybee: TIFU by getting more then I paid for when parasailing in Tunisia... [NSFW]
As many other TIFUs this didn't happend today, but it doesn't make the story less fun. I was a 15 year old skinny boy, traveling to Tunisia with my handball team for a training camp and fun social activities. We where about 12-15 from my team, and some had their parents and relatives as entourage. We had 2 training sessions pr day, one really early and one 5-6 hours after the first one.
Anyways one day after the first training me and one of my teammates went to the beach with one of the girls from the entourage. When we came down to the beach, we all notice alot of people doing parasailing, its basicly its a boat pulling a parachut up in the air. We where all very amazed by this, and wanted to try it. First off was my teammate, call him Aaron and a girl we can call Trish.
Parasailing in Tunisia cost about 65dollars, so then by going two and two you saved some money and had someone to share the whole experience with. The instructors helped placing the ropes or bands (like seatbelts, sorry english is as you already figured not my first language) around their bodies. That made Aaron stand behind Trish, really close up to her, breathing down her neck .
When they got properly secured and fastened, the main instructor gave a sign to the guy driving the boat and within seconds my friends where airborne... 5 min later they came down, really stoked and fired up because it was so fun and even relaxing because it was so quiet high up there in the sky... Aaron was "released" first from all the belts, and was quick to whisper in my ear that he almost got a boner from unwillingly dry humping Trish 130feet up in the air. And that it was uncomfortably close being tied so close together. Hearing this I get really happy because I was planning on doing it alone, since we only were 3 people, and didn't need to worry about any boner issues, we all had em in our teens, hell I am now 26 and still get the awkward boner.
Anyways I paid the main instructor and was getting buckled up and fasted the seatbelts on me, when suddenly a big blast of wind caught the parachute and I was thrown like a ragdoll from its power. Then out of the blue, the main instructor said that it was way to windy for me to do it alone, and that I would never get down from the parachute me being to skinny and all.
So while I'm standing there barely understanding his "good price for you my friend" english, his big black friend comes standing behind me, lets call him Leroy, and they start buckling up him and the instructor says that they need him as ballast or extra weight to have some kind of control of the parachute in the wind.
Not thinking to much about it, I'm just standing there feeling Leroys breath down my neck, thinking whats the worst thing that could happen? Finally we are both ready and the main instructor gives the man in the boat the sign, the boat slowly starts to gain speed and the ropes between us and the boat tightens.
Again this huge blast of wind throws Leroy and me up in the air, and as this happens Leroy gets his balls crushed between his legs and the saftybelt going around his leg. Leroy screams out in is first language, moaning and breathing really heavy in my ear.
Me, I am in shock.. Trying the best I can to focus on the nice view of the sunny beach and the waves breaking close to the beach. As we get higher Leroy suddenly takes his feet around my hips relieve pressure on his balls, and by doing this it sounds like he is climaxing all over this busty latina babe. My right ear got all warm from his scream being so close to my ear. Now he is calming down, the heavy breathing has stopped and as I feel his legs pressing against my hips, Leroy calms down and tries to mumble out that he is sorry but he is still bit breathless and probably quite relieved that is balls no longer are caught. So there I am 100 feets in the air, trying to think of my happy place and enjoy the nice view,but all I can think of is that I paid 65 dollars to get dryhumped/raped on by a complete stranger,100 feet in air...
TIFU Parasailing with a random dude, random dude gets his balls crushed while we do it. he screams and I feel abused.
If you wanna hear kinda of what Leroys sounds like screaming, this should give you a pretty good idea, this site is NOT SAFE FOR WORK
http://efuktDOTcom/2334_The_Effects_Of_Interracial_Sex.html
( First post on TIFU, hope I didn't do anything wrong! Love reading about all the peoples TIFU, so I taught that I was my time to share)
**EDIT1: Spelling and linebreaks.
Teotwawki69: Dude.... format that shit. Line breaks are your friends...
skinneybee: yup thanks, better now?
Teotwawki69: Um... no.
| 4 | 3 | |
1407830890 | 1407865548 | t3_2dbgtf | t5_2to41 | 430 | forgot_2_throwaway: TIFU by losing the condom [nsfw]
Let’s start off with a little background. This all happened a few months ago and at that time I was very new to the whole sex thing. As in, i’d had sex a few times but it still sort of hurt a little and I really didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. So, after my first ever lovely drunken hookup, I decided to see the guy again. I go over to his apartment, we drink just a bit [he drank more than I did, but he wasn't wasted, I was just kinda tipsy] and talk for hours. It’s going great and we actually hit it off quite well. Eventually we make it to the bedroom and start going at it. No problems so far, I’m doing my best to keep up with him and hoping that my tits will distract him from my lack of sexual prowess. Pretty sure that worked, as he finished fairly fast. At that point we’re both hot and a little tired, so he just tosses the condom on the floor and flops out beside me. Kinda gross, but not a big deal.
After about 30 minutes it seems that round two is approaching. He grabs another condom and off we go. This is where the fuck up happens, unbeknownst to either of us at that point in time. Two key factors here, he fucks like a jackhammer and I (as i’ve been told) am extremely tight. It’s a great mix and this round lasted forever. By the time we’re done i’m all fucked out and exhausted. We cuddled for a bit and then I got up so I could get my stuff together and go home. As I attempt to gracefully rise from the bed, I slip on that fucking condom in the floor and topple back onto him. He got a great laugh out of it, so on my way to the bathroom I grab the slimy love glove and toss it in the trash. I briefly glanced around for the second one and couldn’t find it, so I assumed it had gotten lost in the covers that wound up piled in the floor. I decide to just leave it because fuck that noise, he could trip over that one himself. I head on home and was pretty happy about it all.
Fast forward about 2-3 days. we’re still talking and things are going remarkably well. I hadn’t had a chance to see him again due to school which sucked, but was also kinda nice because it gave my vag time to heal from the jackhammer fuckfest. So I’m just sitting at home chilling on the internet one night and I decide I have to pee. I go to the bathroom and it feels.. weird. Almost itchy, but not quite. I’m confused so I wipe around a little and then I *feel* it. Something fucking moved inside me and then there it was. A souvenir from that night poking out it’s little rubber head. A look of pure horror froze upon my face as I removed the basilisk from my chamber of secrets. Being the idiot that I am, it never crossed my mind that something like that could happen during sex. I was just amazed that I didn’t feel it. I was absolutely disgusted at the whole situation and couldn’t get rid of that thing quick enough. After a thorough shower, I figured that there was nothing else I could do about it so I just prayed he never brought up a missing condom lol. As of now he hasn’t ever brought it up and I have no plans to tell him. Although he probably has noticed that I’m a tiny bit obsessed with making sure that when we’re done the condom is quickly accounted for. Some scars never heal.
HondaGirlMN: Would have been worse if you 2 decided to have sex again, he fingered you, and pulled put the condom.
forgot_2_throwaway: That crossed my mind lol. So many bad things could've happened omg.
HondaGirlMN: He would have been like ummmm are you saving this?
RecentlyRedeemed: I choked a little when I read the last half of this sentence.
JackCrossing: only the last half?
RecentlyRedeemed: 5/10 isn't bad
| 7 | 61.428571 | |
1407829807 | 1407891941 | t3_2dbfyj | t5_2to41 | 3 | derpercat: TIFU by physically rejecting my friend...
TheGwolo: have sex with those you want to. Don't do it out of pity or to save him the rejection. Trust me. tell him its not for you.
Unless you want a fuckbuddy. then tell em that.
derpercat: True. I'm not a casual sex person, had he told me that he was interested in me like that I would have wanted to be dating him, and not sleep with him right away and if he just wanted casual sex, then I wouldn't want that. I'm just upset because I was afraid of losing a friend by doing it, but turns out I lost him anyway.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407835137 | 1407881805 | t3_2dbkgp | t5_2to41 | 9 | athaliarose: TIFU by shaving my vagina [NSFW]
Today I fucked up, Reddit. Well, not today, but a few days ago. My boyfriend of almost a year, (11 months) usually helps me shave my “kitty” because it’s quicker and safer than me trying to do yoga in the shower. Plus, he says it turns him on, being that close to my glorious porn-star looking vagina. ;) His words, not mine. The other day I was really bored and decided, “Hey, why not surprise the boyfriend by shaving it myself?”
Here comes the fuck up. My boyfriend shaves with the grain to reduce those irritating little red bumps, but that never gets me completely bare so I decided that I would shave up instead of down. This is added to the fact that I didn’t have any actual shaving cream, only cheap Suave body wash. I knew that this would probably cause a little itching, but I mostly sit around my apartment anyways (don’t have a job) so I thought “I can scratch my vagina in my own apartment right?”
I really should have known better. See, I’m going back to school soon and instead of the usual hour to an hour and a half long class, I will have three hour long evening classes. Maybe I should have waited to post this for when I actually had to suffer through a three hour long class, but I can already imagine the mortification I will feel if I do try to discreetly scratch myself and look like I am masturbating in public. Especially since itching it is that particular mix between pain and ecstasy that makes you close your eyes and grimace.
TL;DR: Shaved vagina against the grain with cheap suave soap, starting to itch already, will have to sit through three hour long classes soon and risk looking like I’m masturbating if I scratch myself.
athaliarose: My boyfriend really likes it lol He's the one who said I could do porn
VideoStoreWhore: I can't tell if you're under age or just self concious.
athaliarose: I'm 19, so not underage. Do have self esteem issues though. O.O
VideoStoreWhore: Are you sure your boyfriend isn't trying to get you into porn? Honestly if I said that to my girlfriend... Oh wait... I wouldn't, it's such a weird thing to say, why not just call you beautiful or something?
I know what self esteem issues can do, I used to have them then one day I decided fuck it, if I'm not good enough for other people does it really matter?
athaliarose: I'm completely sure he's not trying to get me into porn. Lol.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1407839067 | 1407873427 | t3_2dbnu8 | t5_2to41 | 21 | Throwaway11213456: TIFU by installing hood pins on my car.
It all started when I bought a car ( Mazda Rx-7 FC for those that wanna know). I've always wanted one and I finally got the chance to have one for a reasonable price. Now, this car has a few problems but nothing I couldn't handle since I've spent my whole life wrenching.
The main problem with the car was the hood latch was broken and hood wouldn't stay down without some percussive maintenance. When I bought it, the previous owner graciously included a set of hood pins with car because of the latch problem. The first order of businesses was of course to install them, it was a nice day and it was around 10 am so why the hell not? (Anyone who has ever done this knows you need to drill some holes in the hood for the pin to fit through.) The hood on this car is aftermarket and made of fiberglass and carbon fiber.
All went well, mounted the pins, drilled some holes in the right places (hehe) ripped out the old hood latch and release cable and done is done. Putting all my shit away when I get an itch on my dick and I go to scratch. I scratch feelsgoodman.jpg........ wait..... the fucking fiberglass. Hundreds of microscopic slivers of glass that were on my hand are now on my dick and some even got in my dickhole.
It hurts.
For reference this is what hood pins look like
http://www.allfordmustangs.com/forums/attachments/2005-2010-v6-mustang-tech/30203d1184387157-2005-v6-hood-pin-appearance-kit-hood-pins.jpg
A_Harmless_Fly: Can you wear pants?
Throwaway11213456: I could. But why would I want to? It's not like it would have helped, whenever my crotch has an itch I go straight for it.
A_Harmless_Fly: man if it was in a less delicate place, I would recommend using those black head remover pads to pull it out (I remember fiberglass in my had being one of the most painful experiences of my childhood, Right after all the ones that required stitches.)
Throwaway11213456: Yeah dude this shit hurts like hell I'm currently soaking my lower half in an warm epsom salt bath. If that doesn't work I'll either use a lint roller or the emergency room.
A_Harmless_Fly: Ya, you might be not at all unfounded in your inclination to visit the ER.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1407841156 | 1407942826 | t3_2dbpmw | t5_2to41 | 21 | throwaway223822: TIFU getting quite high and having sex
This is a throwaway for obvious reasons.
I and my bf were totally baked one Sunday afternoon and it had been a while since we last had sex.
So we are downright at it, doing it doggy style. It was amazing.
Apparently he had cum inside me and I still hadn't. Since I was so high ,I didn't even notice he wasn't so hard anymore and kept on rubbing myself while he (super high)kept thrusting from behind with whatever ‘hardness’ that was left.
I finished in a while gloriously, and lied down on my back to catch my breath.
Usually we cuddle afterwards. But that day we didn't. I saw that he was frantically looking for something.
This is how the conversation went.
Me: What is it?
He :I can’t find the condom.
*I wasn't bothered much since I was so high.*
Me: It must be here somewhere..look for it and throw it away before I step on it again.
*He has an annoying habit of throwing it on the floor and I invariably step on it every time I get down.*
He: I can’t find it.
*He almost turned the bed upside down looking for it.*
Me: What the fuck do u mean u cant kind it?
He: I think it’s inside you.
*I laughed. I thought he was kidding. But his face said he was dead serious.*
Me: What the fuck do you mean it’s inside me. How’s that even possible?
He: I think I lost it somewhere in the end.
Me: What the.. how can that even happen? O fuck!
*I still didn’t believe him at this point but clearly it wasn't in the room so I decided to go to the bathroom and ‘look’ for the condom inside.
It wasn’t there.*
*I was fucked-literally and figuratively.*
*My bf was looking for the condom outside and I was looking for it ‘inside’. And there was no trace of it.*
*I came out of the bathroom and in a desperate attempt started looking for it all over the room. At this point I was losing it.I was scared and panic was setting in.*
He: No,no! it’s not here. I’m telling you its inside you. You have to dig ‘deeper’
Me: How do I..?it’s not a fucking gold mine that I have dig deeper.There’s only so much far that I can go.
*At this point I start freaking out.I thinking if we will have to see a doc. Fuck what will I even tell the doc..I got a used condom inside me?!*
*Shit!*
I was freaking out at the thought of it and I decided to give it one more try. I went inside the bathroom and made my finger travel to uncharted territories in search for Mr. Condom.
It was awkward and make me queasy and mad.
And then a miracle happened!
Just when I was about to give up my quest, my finger made contact with a slimy plastic-y thing.
It was Mr. Condom! Forsaken but not forgotten.
Finally! Thank freaking GOD. I am saved.
(Of course I had other things to worry about- Like **Pregnancy** for god’s sake!)
But at least I found it! Right?!
I called my bf in the bathroom and showed the condom to him as I held it between tip of my two fingers ,with my arm stretched out.
He looked at the condom first and then at me face.
And he just knew that he’s not getting any for at least a few weeks.
Tl;dr I had a used contraceptive inside my vagina. It could **NOT**have been more ironic.
doctorish: Erm, how is that ironic?
Were you baked writing this?
pulsefrequency: Is ironic because it's a contraceptive but it's inside of you... used
bdawgsupreme: I don't know why the fuck you were downvoted I'm so sorry have my upvote.
Now to preempt the 'their comment was unnecessary' debate:
Sometimes changing the speed at which something is said of saying it with different inflection can give it a new or more clear meaning. That's exactly what this person did and you should fucking thank them for it
pulsefrequency: It's specifically because the device that's designed to drastically reduce the chances of pregnancy had, with a full load, accidentally'd inside her vagina... significantly improving the chances of pregnancy. Also possibly pain.
bdawgsupreme: Yep yep glad ur back to +1 now u don't deserve to be downvoted :,(
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1407834400 | 1407864552 | t3_2dbjul | t5_2to41 | 21 | warriorpaiya: TIFU during my presentation to client !!
I work for a company that provides IT solutions - includes Video conferencing. So i am the tech lead giving a presentation to a client for some service we are offering. My clients entire tech team, purchase team are at the presentation along with my regional sales head. Presentation in my laptop - connected to a huge ass TV via HDMI in our conf room. As I end the presentation, client asks some reference docs. So I quickly run to my cabin to pick up the docs. On my way back to conf room, i saw the hot admin girl struggling to pick up something revealing her lisa ann sized cleavage. I stood there staring at it for a good 'hard' minute & continued back to the meeting room. As i am about to enter the room, the regional sales head storms out and furiously asks me 'what the fuck !? don't you know company policies. i hope u get fired for what you did !!' and goes away. I stood there thinking 'shit this guy saw me staring at the admin. fucker tries to flirt with her everytime and now wishes me getting fired for staring at her cleavage. Fuck you sales head'. So I walk into the conference room, and the entire client team looked at me like they ate some disgusting shit. Confused i turned to the laptop screen and thats when i realized i shouldn't have left my laptop unlocked. Khaleesi was getting fucked by Khal Drogo in loop, in HD, in 55 inch wide screen!!
The shitty sales head guy has tried to show them the High def resolution of the huge ass tv, so we can sell them for their video conf. He had searched my drives and found a HD GoT sample file sent to me by my colleague, which he thought would be cool to play to the clients. Now i have violated company's code of conduct & IT policies of storing adult material in laptops.
TL;DR:Khaleesi & Khal Drogo fucked my presentation in 55 inches !!
Captain_Altoids: In a situation like that you've gotta own the room. Let the video play and stare into your clients' eyes until you've made the sale.
warriorpaiya: I din't panic and close the vdo immediately.. I tried to play cool, let it run for a few loops b4 i closed it and politely smiled. Nope. They still had their shit face. So i picked my laptop and ran.
| 3 | 7 | |
1407836682 | 1407874780 | t3_2dblrk | t5_2to41 | 23 | KlassicTuck: TIFU by going to the bathroom with a cat.
Incoming wall of text: It will be worth it, or at least a chuckle.
Ok so, I didn't plan on letting him in. He knows how to open the bathroom door. Not an uncommon thing for anyone in the house to have a furry companion while sitting upon the porcelain throne. Pumpkin, the cat, is an overly affectionate male. Fixed male. He was fixed late because he's longhair, which hides his testicles, and he had no problems, no marking, no howling, not aggressive at all, just aloof. Very very aloof. I'd be lucky to touch him once a week. Once he was fixed he craved attention. Still does. This is where the problem lies. Keep in mind it's 4:30AM when this all started. It is now quarter past 5.
So, la dee da, on the throne, here comes kitty. Rubbing up on the legs, purring, standing up and pawing for your hand, headbutt, all very very common. Then he jumps in my lap. Now, he doesn't do this a lot, but often enough to not set off any alarm bells. He wraps his paws around my neck and starts rubbing all over my face. My glasses, ear, and nose all become points of particular interest. Again, all fairly normal for him. Well, I finish up and lean down to put him on the floor. Oh no! That simply will not do! Noooo, he just loves me and wants to spend more time with me! He climbs right up onto my shoulders and upper back. So, to reiterate, I am bent over, on the toilet, pants around my ankles, with a cat scarf.
Now, at first, he positioned himself with his head at my neck. He didn't stay there long. He just kind of walked across my shoulders and finally settled down with his tail dangling over my right ear. Now at this point I'm wracking my brain for anyway to get him off without hurting myself. He has very very sharp claws. At first I tried to slooooowly sit upright hoping he'd just jump to the back of the toilet. No luck. Ok, how about dropping a shoulder and have him jump off to the side? Same result. Claws. His tail is tickling my ear so i go to grab it, again, hoping to someone convince him my back is not a good sleeping place (when he's falling asleep he has a certain purr pattern, I know because he usually sleeps in my bed, and he was purring that pattern). I give his tail a teeny little tug, just enough to for him to feel the tug but not enough to hurt him. He just moved his tail to my other ear. This repeated itself over the course of around 20 minutes. As I'm doing this I noticed he's shifting his weight every time he moves his tail so I start gently rolling and rocking my shoulders as he's shifting his weight. Finally, FINALLY, he's in a position where I can stand up (kind of, I was still bent over but at least me head didn't end up upside down) I was able to get my pants up pretty easily since I was still bent over. So, pants up, standing, still wearing my cat scarf. I lift one foot to walk and out come the claws. So I had to shuffle.
Now, over the 20-30 minutes this was taking place, I was not quiet because I knew if my mom woke up (the only other person in the house) she could just get him off for me. All the noise I was making didn't wake her up until I tried to walk, claws came out and I squealed like a pig. I shuffle my way to the bathroom door (which, thanks to Pumpkin, is WIDE open but the toilet is in a little recess so even with the door open you still get total privacy on the toilet (in the shower/tub not so much)) and she can see me from her door. She wears glasses which she did not have on and since I'm silhouetted against the bathroom light she tells me to stand up. Well, I tried. I can't. I tell her so and shuffle closer and she sees the cat. She just kind of looked at us wondering if she was still dreaming or this was a prank or something else was at work here. Nope. She comes over and just the act of petting his head brings his claws out. The cat is now attached to my skin. One paw, one claw, at a time mom gets me free. Well Pumpkin decides he doesn't want to be held by mom so he tries to get away and gives her a scratch on the arm so she lets go of him. Onto my back. I'm still bent over since she had to lean over me to get his claws out. Pumpkin hits my cat, writhing as only a cat can, gives me a few more marks and rolls off my back, hits the ground, walks a few steps and looks back as if to say "How rude!" (sorry been watching too many Full House reruns lately). And now, typing this took almost half an hour, and my neck still hurts. As does my back. and my nightgown is now full of holes.
TL:DR I'm on the toilet, cat climbs on my shoulders and I end up stuck bent over for 20-30 minutes.
monster860: >He was fixed late because he's longhair, which hides his testicles
That just sets people up for disappointment.
uui8457: Do you like your cat-scarfs with swingin' bollocks?
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1407845202 | 1407863897 | t3_2dbtpo | t5_2to41 | 152 | AlgaeToothpaste: TIFU by cleaning my fish tank filter
So today I had a massive amount of uni assignment work to do, so instead I decided to procrasta-clean. I'm talking some serious "top side of the fan" type cleaning.
As part of my cleaning I decided to clean the impeller and tubing on my fish tank filter. It's only small so I was washing it in my bathroom sink. Due to the small size of the components I used an old toothbrush to really get all up in the algae and fish poo, it's important to be thorough.
After my big day of cleaning and knowledge enhancement-ing I was preparing myself for bed in the usual manner, shower, fish feeding and lastly cleaning my teeth.
As I was standing reflecting on my productively unproductive day I pondered weather or not to go a spit and scrub for some super clean teeth. *What the heck I've got nowhere to be, why not clean them some more, after all its important to be thorough.* So I spat, curiously I noticed a somewhat greenish tinge to my toothpaste froth, my WHITE toothpaste. Suddenly in my mortified reflection I see I am in fact holding my algae/fishpoo cleaning toothbrush!. It would seem I wasn't so thorough after all.
TL;DR Used an old toothbrush to clean algae and fish poo from my filter. Didn't put it away then accidentally cleaned my teeth with the same toothbrush.
Jellayrei: This one made me cringe a little. Could only imagine what fish poo and toothpaste taste like together.
AI_bot2: I did research for you. Fish feces is eaten in multiple cultures as a flavouring for its taste. Toothpaste is generally unlike other taste unless it interacts with something.
Levels of nitrogen ranges from 3.07 to 5.23 % dry weight, with an overall average of 3.97 % dry weight. Phosphorus levels range from 2.20 to 3.95%, with an overall average of 2.87 % dry weight. Potassium levels are less than 0.30 % dry weight, the minimum detection limit. These low values are attributed to the high solubility of potassium salts, thereby reducing the measurable level in the fecal solids fraction. The organic carbon content of fecal material ranges from 33.7 to 46.8 % dry weight, while the organic form was less than 1% dry weight (range 0.41 – 0.80). Many micronutrients (ie. trace metals) were found. Levels for copper and zinc range from 19.0 to 78.3 mg.kg-1 and 430 to 923 mg.kg-1, respectively.
Generally toothpaste contains abrasives such as particles of aluminum hydroxide (Al(OH)3), calcium carbonate (CaCO3), various calcium hydrogen phosphates, various silicas and zeolites, and hydroxyapatite (Ca5(PO4)3OH).
(NaF) is the most common source of fluoride, but (SnF2), (Na2PO3F) is also used.
Chemical reactions indicate a taste ranging from highly sour to mildly sweet. There is a chance it would sting, as well.
*Questions? PM /u/furryslurry*
| 3 | 50.666667 | |
1407800765 | 1407853588 | t3_2da9um | t5_2to41 | 13 | RedRisu: TIFU by experimenting with cosplay makeup
I have a costume idea- the simple explanation is that I will be anthropomorphizing an animal character in historical/mythological dress.
I wanted to create the effect of having chewed betel nut- the idea is to make this costume as creepy and as historically accurate as possible. I have a black tooth paint that's made for this, but the other thing that makes betel-chewing creepy is the dripping, red-stained gums and lips. I had the bright idea of achieving this by using a q-tip to rub that concentrated kool-aid liquid stuff on my gums, undiluted. I can't get it off, now.
Everything I have eaten in the last half hour has tasted like fruit punch.
EVERYTHING.
SpeckleDorf9000: Drink lots of water. INFINITE KOOLAID
smokinporch: Lolol
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407846875 | 1407923631 | t3_2dbvnd | t5_2to41 | 6,269 | collegekatie96: TIFU by buying a vibrating dildo on my dad's amazon account
Edit: For those interested, I got 44 PMs in the past 24 hours. A lot were really weird and rude, but most were pretty nice people who just want to see me naked. We shall see.
I am a freshman at [Big State University] and decided that since this is the first time I'm going to live on my own, I should buy a celebratory dildo. I've wanted a dildo for a few years but my parents are uber religious and conservative and with my mom snooping through my stuff at home, there was no way I could have hidden it when I was in high school. I moved into the dorms a few days ago and ordered this (http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31KUKg72ayL.jpg) last night.
I have an amazon account and my dad has an amazon account. Unfortunately, because I set both of them up (my dad is pretty computer illiterate), they both say, "Hello Katie" at the top of the page when you log in. When buying the dildo, I didn't bother to check that it was my account before I made the purchase. I guess my dad was using my laptop before I left for school. After dinner yesterday, I got a call from my parents.
Let me set the scene. I'm on my futon when I get the call. "Hey mom and dad, whats up?" My extremely conservative, three times a week church going parents, are on their speaker phone. "Katie, we just got an email from Amazon confirming your hundred dollar sex toy." My stomach dropped right out through my asshole. This was inconceivable. There was this horrible silence on the line as I was trying to process what was happening. I kinda rationalized that I was going to get yelled, so I squeaked out "I'm sorry."
What followed was not a yelling or shouting. I wish my parents had been mad at me. Instead of being yelled at, I experienced a half hour of my parents talking about the benefits of masturbation and why it is healthy and how they started masturbating and how they like to do it now. Since I'm interested in exploring my body, they said I can come to them any time for help or advice.
I don't want to sound ungrateful. I'm glad my parents were cool with the dildo. The fuck up was when I got to find out in explicit detail how my parents masturbate.
Final Update: I bought a dildo, my parents found out because it was on their account, and they called me about it. We had a really awkward conversation where they said it was ok to masturbate and some people like to watch porn when they do it but you need to be safe with which sites you visit or you'll get a computer virus. I was flooded with PMs stating that my parents wanted to have sex with me, they must be in a cuckolding relationship, etc. It was fucked up. I was a little mad, but I remember that this is the internet. People are weird on the internet, so I played along. I'm not going to have sex with my parents; my dad doesn't want me to have random sex with black dudes. The edit and updates were generally invented as a screw you to the weirdos who PMed me. The comments have been spectacularly hilarious.
[deleted]: I honestly don't blame them, a HUNDRED bucks on a dildo? That's crazy!
collegekatie96: That was actually the only thing my dad was kinda angry about. It got the best reviews though!
[deleted]: Save your spare change and grab some [Lelo Hula Beads](https://www.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=insignia-luxe&groupName=HULA-BEADS)!
I love mine. Lelo does remote toys better than anyone. The way it vibrates and rotates is soooo wonderful. Just having it inside and moving is awesome. I can hold onto mine while I put it right to the top and push it up so the little rotating bead bangs away on my cervix over and over.... It's heavenly!
CrazyKilla15: Care to tell us... more?
[deleted]: Put your hands back on the keyboard ;-)
theteg: They both have to be on the keyboard to type a message out quickly.
[deleted]: As long as you aren't rubbing one out to me. Or if you are, don't tell me, okay? ;-)
theteg: It's too early to be doing that stuff anyways.
[deleted]: Oh, yeah? How do I know you don't live in the UK? You could be yanking away over there claiming it was too early on the west coast. You don't fool me!
LOL ;-)
theteg: See, now it seems like you want me to do it. I'm an East Coaster though.
[deleted]: No sex during daylight hours? My, how provincial - LOL
Just kidding. I'm at it all day long unless I have to take my Mother somewhere.
theteg: TIL girls will masturbate more than guys. I'd just rather waste time on reddit or work on my car than go fap at 3 PM. But that's just me. I mean I wish I could fap all day long that would be nice. But I don't think my body could take that kind of abuse.
[deleted]: Thankfully, I don't have that issue. I have three insertables that I use almost all day long. They feel nice even if though haven't been able to orgasm cum without extra pain in a long time.
theteg: Hey whatever floats your boat thankfully I can just rub one out and call it a day.
[deleted]: Me, too, but my efforts last the whole day :-)
theteg: Your stamina is either through the roof or vaginas can just go at it all day.
[deleted]: If I were orgasming *all* day long, I'd probably have a heart attack. I may have a toy running all day, but that's just a backdrop to my day, not an effort to get off.
theteg: I mean I can't stroke it all day long though don't think it'd work out that well for me.
[deleted]: Probably not. Friction if nothing else would make that uncomfortable. After all, we can both add some lube, but I can make some of my own ;-)
locke_door: The less interest he shows, the harder you try. An interesting phenomena.
theteg: Isn't that how it worked in high school?
locke_door: In truth. I liked the transition from playing coy to volunteering all the information that no one asked for in a few posts.
theteg: Do you have any more information that I'm not going to ask for? I hope its a fact about sharks. Sharks are cool.
[deleted]: Sharkskin was used by Japanese woodworkers for centuries as sandpaper for fine carpentry.
theteg: That's amazing! I want more facts from you!
[deleted]: I have a wealth of trivia. I read a lot.
| 27 | 232.185185 | |
1407848400 | 1407937028 | t3_2dbxj6 | t5_2to41 | 580 | Liquid_Oxygen: TIFU by jacking off in the bathroom
My very first post on reddit so bear with me. This happened a week ago when I was staying over at a friend's house in preparation for a wild party the next day. You see I haven't beat the meat in just over a month due to exhaustion, so naturally I was carrying enough jelly to flash flood an area.
So I had the great idea to release my self in my friend's bathroom. I'm sure my friend won't mind, right? As I ascended into enlightenment, I accidentally over jizzed a big patch on his floor so in the heat of the moment I quickly finish off in his bath tub. I sweep the floor with an unholy amount of toilet paper and wash away the excess jizz in the tub with the shower head.
You see that's where things started to go wrong...
I had left all the tissue paper inside the toilet bowl and forgot about it completely. I have no idea why, maybe it was the extreme rush of blood in my head or distraction from the cleaning of the tub or maybe both idk.
So anyway I go back on my laptop to get on with my business, after 15 minutes I heard a massive "WHAT THE FUCK" in the bathroom. It turns out my friend's girlfriend was in the house asleep and we didnt know. It turns out she was about to take a shower and she wanted to unclog the tower drain since it was filled with hair (cause you know, girls n all). You see what I didn't know was jizz kinda half solidifies when it comes in contact to warm/hot water into an extremely sticky and thick substance.
In other words she pulled out a massive hairball of monstrosity. A big ass hairball that was covered in half solidified jizz, it was looked almost like a cut out tumour. Instinctively you would normally dropped it, but she held it in disgust and was going to flush it.
This is where it got even worse, I remembered that I didn't flush all the jizz tissue. As I stormed into the bathroom, I stood there at the door speechless. She already opened it and she just froze there, my friend came rushing in and looked at everything. In a good 10 seconds he sort grasped the situation he began laughing his ass off. I was glad that my friend was able to laugh it off, as for his girlfriend she looked at me with medusa glaring eyes and told me I was banned from coming over ever again. My friend had nothing to say in the moment, he was too busy dying of laughter.
I found £10 while walking back so I have that going for me which was nice.
**TL;DR - Lit up the shishkebab, jizzed all over friend's bathroom, forgot to remove evidence, banned from friend's house by his girlfriend**
ChroniclesIY: doesn't matter still came
Liquid_Oxygen: #Worth
polishedsteel: /all lel how is that worth you low elo scrublord no assist gg sorry matchmaking put you with this kid
Sozaiix3: Is this what the scrubs of Dota community has come to?
DialUpHero: He said elo, so probably not Dota
john4225: I thought it was cs go but, I don't think elo is anything to do with cs go
[deleted]: Elo is used in League of legends I think.
qqwasd: It hasn't been used for years in league.
[deleted]: Really? I didn't know that. What does league use now? The "diamond/gold/platinum leagues" or something? Sorry, I don't play league so idk.
| 10 | 58 | |
1407848775 | 1407856215 | t3_2dby0v | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on an acid camping trip
So all of this happened less than an hour ago and this is a definite throw away.
So my friend scores some acid from a guy in a taco bell parking lot. (If your day starts like this, it doesn't end well, trust me.) Anyways he calls me up and we get together a last second camping trip. Drive out to a park, set-up, start fire, drop. An hour in we're feeling okay but not too different so we take a second tab. While we were waiting to trip we also smoked and drank. Once the acid started to kick in we packed up our stuff into the tent and went for a night walk. We were having the time of our lives. Running around the woods and lake trails barefoot without a care in the world. Then we spot the vending machine.
That fucking vending machine. This is where it all goes south.
So we spot the machine and buy some skittles. Then we look around. No ones there. Just complete bliss emptiness. Then my friend is like "Hey lets see if we can get free shit out of here". So we start tinkering with the machine and as I let my friend do whatever with it I look back into the darkness. And thats when I saw her.
A silhouette of the state park employee creeping towards us. I went flight or fight and just booked it. (after warning my friend.) I ran blind into the darkness...head on into a picnic table. I got back up and just ran. Fell a couple times and just kept running. Now i'm in a forrest, tripping on acid for the first time, being pursued by people, and just totally lost. I felt fucking primal.
Skip ahead an hour and I make it back to our site. I just see the light of an SUV at our site. That was the moment I knew the "jig was fucking up" and just came out into the open. Instant flashlight beam to the face. Told them its cool i'm owning up. Look around and the site is ransacked. Car, tent, everything. I give them my drivers license so they can check my record. In the meantime we packed everything into the van. Employee/Officer steps out of car and hands me a ticket for possession of a controlled substance and talks to me about a court date. So now the officer whips out a breathalyzer. "You guys need to take a test to see if your under the legal limit to drive." We're 18 and we knew that was a trap, we shouldn't have any in our system. So we told them we'd have someone pick us and the cars up. Fast forward and i'm home. Told my mom I was a fuck up (she took it oddly well). Then I sat down and began typing, and am now at the end of my story. Went from clean record 4.0 GPA student to possession of substances and vandalizing. Court date in a week or two. Today I absolutely fucked up.
tufftysilverbirch: Oh, man!
That's not good! That was definitely the ultimate fuck up.
What do you think is going in court? D:
I feel for you dude. Stay away from acid!
BarefootedDipShit: No clue as to whats going on in the court. All I can make out on the ticket is possession of a controlled substance. So ill be stopping by the local police station and have them looked up if I was charged with anything else/find out when my hearing is.
tufftysilverbirch: Well, I hope it doesn't go too badly.
I've made silly mistakes with drugs, they're not worth ruining your life over! I hope you've learned your lesson!
BarefootedDipShit: Thanks, my guess is it will be probation. And yes did I ever learn my lesson.
tufftysilverbirch: Probation's not too bad, I guess. It could have been a whole lot worse!
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1407853957 | 1407857662 | t3_2dc5tw | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking too much coffee to poop
At 2pm yesterday my stomach wasn't feeling so good, like I had to much gas or something. Am I constipated? So I poured myself a full pint of black coffee. I drank the whole thing as fast as I could. I've obviously had coffee before in lower amounts but it is like a once a month thing. I've never binged like this before. So I get the urge to poop soon after and when I'm on the toilet I start to feel a bit numb. Kinda like a buzz after a few beers. But then it feels like my right eye is getting blurry. I start hallucinating a weird kaleidoscopic border in the upper right hand corner of my vision. It's far enough in the corner of my eye that I can't make out exact shapes or features, but it was definitely there, like when you stare at a light source for too long and it burns and image in your eye that follows your sight wherever you look. That scared the shit out of me because lately my right eye has been twitching. Oh my god, do I have eye cancer? WTF. I close my right eye to confirm, but the pattern doesn't go away. Could it be nutrition? I started skipping breakfast on Friday to help me lose weight. Perhaps my lunch wasn't enough calories?
Eventually the hallucination goes away. But around 3:30pm I start having headaches like I have a wicked hangover. This feels terrible and it's the main reason I don't binge drink anymore. At this point I still suspect food, so I immediately eat 3 cereal bars. I drink water to make it easier to swallow. This fills my tummy but the headache didn't go away completely. I am starting to feel better though. I go to the gym after work and get on the treadmill for an hour. My headache disappears. And I realize it was probably that stupid coffee.
[deleted]: Sounds like you had an ocular migraine! (see: http://www.webmd.com/migraines-headaches/guide/ocular-migraine-basics). I get them about once a month or so, and it coincides with my caffeine/sugar intake. Vision gets really weird in one eye (for me, it's my right eye), for anywhere from 40 minutes to an hour or so. Then, I get the WORLD'S worst headache that usually lasts for the rest of the day, and dulls by the second day. It's a migraine.
vasillios: Agreed, reading the symptoms I could relate as well. Caffeine is a huge trigger for me.
For me, when I notice the 'shimmers', taking a couple advil and shutting my eyes for 30-40 minutes nips it in the bud.
If I don't do that, though, it's game over for the rest of the day!
It takes *far* more than 1 cup of coffee to overdose on caffeine.
Anecdotally speaking, these happen for me when I'm overstressed, underslept and overcaffeinated. Good luck!
[deleted]: That's exactly my experiences as well! I pound Excedrin, eat something, chug water, and curl up into a ball. Sometimes, that does the trick, but sometimes it doesn't.
I find it absolutely relates to stress, sleep, caffeine, and whether or not I've had enough to eat.
Finally, I like your term "shimmers." In my family, we call it "the eye pattern." (Mom and brother get them as well.) But shimmers sounds way cooler - I'm going to steal it from you. Thanks!
| 4 | 4 | |
1407845133 | 1407959574 | t3_2dbtmz | t5_2to41 | 3 | j-fi: TIFU by drinking 3 cups of tea before bed.
ColePT: Coffee means shit to me. Tea, on the other hand, will keep me restless for at least a day and a half.
j-fi: I was so pissed off. I had training for a mentor program at school the next day, and people thought I was high because i had been awake for two days.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407847383 | 1407897386 | t3_2dbw8o | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking advantage of the employee free drinks policy.
Not today but about 2-3 years ago I got my first job working at video rental store, one of the perks of the job included unlimited access to drinks/confectionery (the owner was awesome and no one really abused it) It was a small shop and only 1 clerk was ever rostered for a given shift. After a week of training I was finally given the all clear to operate the store on my own by the manager. I remember distinctly how proud my parents were as they continuously brought my name up in conversation and mentioned how I was growing up and becoming a man etc. My shift was from about 2-10pm and fell on a saturday(the busiest night of the week), It was a 97 degree day, one of the hottest in years, the AC was on though not very effective. As the day progressed the AC became less and less potent and the stacked refrigerator of cold drinks was impossible to pass up. If I were to estimate, I probably consumed about 3L of soft drink between the hours of 2-5, The store started to get very busy at around this time. The AC randomly kicked in and was going at full strength, I was recommending awesome movies, thisisthebestjobever.jpg.
At around 7 pm, three litres of soft drink and blistering cold AC had taken its toll on my bladder and I was BUSTING. The bathroom was located across the road in a storage building and per my training I had to wait for all customers to leave before I could do a back in 5 mins bathroom break, old man taking fucking forever finally leaves. Seize my chance, lock up shop and take keys to bathroom. Enter the building and casually walk to bathroom, cool and calm, bladder is ready, finally made it, KEY DOSN’T FIT. Frantically turn nob, try and ram it in, Kicking door, bladder is in shock and already semi dripping. Run around in circles like a maniac, can’t hold it back anymore as i take refuge under a stair case and release. Inspect damages and my pants/shoes are completely soaked and I reak of piss.
I check my watch and i’ve been gone for 20 fucking minutes and there is a line of customers literally down the street. Answer piss covered mobile, manager asks where I am based on camera footage and run back to store in awkward backwards facing position before scurrying behind counter to avoid embarrassment. Customers everywhere asking for my assistance but can’t leave the counter, getting weird looks, overhear “what is that smell”, my heart is literally racing. Call my parents, mum gleefully answers "how is your first day” blah blah, I tell her the story and immediatley sense the disappointment and shame in her response. She comes into store with spare change of clothes as I struggle to make eye contact. I immediately ran to the back of the store and change my outfit completely, Mind you this all being recorded and potentially monitored by the boss. Receive a call next day from manager expecting to be fired, "great job OP can you work again next week?”
heilspawn: its weird that theres no bathroom in your place of work
that seems illegal
[deleted]: Was probably a number of years ago.
metalclassicrock123: Nope only 2-3 years ago. 2011/12.
[deleted]: 2-3 is a number(s) ;)
| 5 | 13.8 | |
1407855152 | 1407869414 | t3_2dc7uk | t5_2to41 | 42 | ejvuge: TIFU by calling a girl areola.
I am not sure if this is postworthy but here is my f up for your enjoyment.
I was at work yesterday and since our receptionist was on lunch I was keeping an eye on the front and helping anyone who came in. A girl who had interviewed for a position a few days ago came in with her paperwork to give to the manager. Keep mind she is a 10/10 which makes my socially awkward ass even more awkward. Her name sounds like areola if you say it quickly but if pronounced properly it just sounds like her name. Manager's office is on the other side of the building so I call him to see if he wants me to send it directly to HR or if he needs to look at it. Our conversation went something like this.
"Hey manager, Areola is here with her paperwork"
I didn't pick up on it at the time but he started laughing and said, " Just put it in my mailbox".
So I got to work today and my manager came into my office and asked me if I realized I called her Areola. I cringed and turned red with embarrassment. On the bright side I got the sweet new nickname of areola.
TL;DR Called a girl at work Areola to her face by accident and she didn't even flinch.
Tangent_: I went to high school with a girl whose last name actually was areola. One of the biggest laughs I ever got in high school was when the meaning of her name suddenly clicked for a class moron. It was about halfway through the year, teacher's doing roll call, gets to her name, and suddenly "omg, her name means that part around the nipple!!!"
i_go_to_uri: 23 years old, never heard of an areola. Took way too long to understand why this was a TIFU but your comment cleared it up
| 3 | 14 | |
1407856417 | 1407860130 | t3_2dca21 | t5_2to41 | 8 | srymybad: TIFU with a huge case of miscommunication
Yesterday I was over my close friends house. I've been friends with this kid for several years now and both he and his family have come to look at me as part of the family due to my countless times being there. Yesterday they invited me over for dinner which was very common.
As the food was placed on the counter we began serving ourselves and my friends parents and his sister were making small talk with me. His father began asking me about the gym and what i'd do when i went off to college. Being a scrawny kid all my life i enjoyed talk of the gym whenever someone brought it up since i was finally muscular. As this was going on, my friends sister, who was getting ready to go out, was wearing tiny shorts and a deep v, dropped her plate and spilled her food on the floor. However, in my stupid ass mind, still talking about the gym and referring to my now muscular chest, i stared at his sister on all fours on the ground cleaning the food up and said..."Ya im wicked hard now". The rest of the dinner went as well as could be expected...
soalone34: You should have like punched your chest when you said it, than continued with something like "it really payed off, going to the gym made me much harder" or something.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Yeah, really OP. Even something as simple as "See? Feel them!" while showing off the guns would have sufficed.
EDIT: Whoops, he was talking about his chest. Oh well. Something like that though.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407856985 | 1407857350 | t3_2dcb2f | t5_2to41 | 2 | mattstorm360: TIFU By scratching a car on vacation and leaving.
So me and my family are on vacation at Myrtle beach and the hotel we are staying at has a parking garage. I left early in my moms Ford explorer to get taco bell's breakfast tacos and on my way back, i found a parking spot close to the exit. When i tried to get in i heard a grinding sound and backed up to check. I had scratched the side of someones handa van. It was a family because they had baby blankets in the back. They were not there so i took pictures and drove to find a better parking spot. I had no clue what to do so i left my phone number and took the food back to my parents. I'm more worried that they will say i did worse then i really did because there was a key scratch on the side and a cracked windshield. But those were all ready there but people can be convincing.
creativextent: So what's the ending
mattstorm360: It just happened so.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407858335 | 1407861102 | t3_2dcdgs | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to the beach
I'm on vacation in Venezia Italy, great right? Well today I went to the beach and I needed sun screen because I'm very pale and I burn easily... So I go to the pharmacy to buy sun screen. I get to the beach and to my surprise, I had bought fucking SPF 30 foundation... Black foundation. I don't have a lot of money to I put it on. I was topless, my nipples disappeared as I put on my ''sun screen''. At least I didn't burn and my skin looked very, very tanned.
PM_ME_UR_ThisIsDumb: So you spread black foundation all over yourself while topless? I can only hope you're of a dark complexion otherwise that would be very interesting.
kissmypearl: I'm white, with pink-ish brown-ish nipples. It was interesting. Haha
PM_ME_UR_ThisIsDumb: You keep talking that way you're going to be on the front page in no time. ^menion ^your ^nipples ^more
| 4 | 2 | |
1407858303 | 1407897366 | t3_2dcdep | t5_2to41 | 140 | furryslurry: TIFU by cutting a dead persons face open.
So I'm a coroner, and was at work. A person came in and they were to have an open casket funeral, and while doing the autopsy I slipped and cut their cheek wide open.
samuraiJ4ck: i take it didnt die from wounds caused by misuse of a slap chop then or some other sharply bladed instrument ?
furryslurry: Dehydration
hapaxlogon: Huh. Don't see that often I assume
furryslurry: Nope. Horrible way to die.
flamingtoastjpn: I've seen people pass out via dehydration, but that sounds terrible to die because of it... How the hell does someone not notice before the person kicks the bucket?
furryslurry: It's Russia. The nearest house was .5km away and he lived alone.
flamingtoastjpn: Ah that makes much more sense
furryslurry: He had been dead for a day or two, but the cold kept the body from decomposing, thankfully.
| 9 | 15.555556 | |
1407859594 | 1407876241 | t3_2dcfs5 | t5_2to41 | 61 | DyroneT: TIFU by giving my girlfriend a hickey
So a little backstory: I've been dating this girl for 7 months and our relationship is awesome and everything, only her family is very conservative and Christian. Her mom is always insistent on having another person in the room with her daughter and me.
Now last night we finally got some alone time, and like typical teenagers, sexy time proceeds to occur, by the end, she has the smallest hickey and I drop her off thinking everything is fine, not realizing I just committed a crime equivalent to first degree murder. Then at about 8 this morning my phone blows up with texts from the gf such as "my mom saw the hickeys" and "she's pissed" and the ever popular "she's about to text you." Now this is where fuck up 2.0 happens, So her mom texts me saying how disappointed and angry she is and I go full panic mode. I have my girlfriend in my phone as her name (we'll call her Kate) and I have her mom as Kate's mom. So my dumb ass half asleep self gets a text from Kate's mom and thinks it's from Kate and I reply "oh fuck fuck, she's so fucking pissed what do I even say to her?" Her mom still hasn't replied and I'm dying inside, it's been an hour.
TL;DR: I gave my girlfriend from a religious and conservative family a hickey and proceeded to text her very disappointed mom a plethora of fucks.
Update: I had a conversation with her mom and apologized, seems like I'm in the clear on this one, probably won't be alone with the gf any time soon
soalone34: Couldn't you have passed it off as something else? Or your gf could have put on a bandaid or something.
DyroneT: Probably, but I dropped her off and she went right to sleep, then her mom woke her up for a doctors appointment and saw it
soalone34: Where was the hickey on her body? Like was it her neck or something?Couldn't she have at least said all you guys did was kiss?
DyroneT: It was on her neck, and quite apparent
AidenJDrake: Learned this lesson the hard way. Always stick to the inner thigh.
| 6 | 10.166667 | |
1407859718 | 1407866109 | t3_2dcg0g | t5_2to41 | 9 | shshon: TIFU By taking my dog outside
This literally just happened and I feel like the worlds shittiest person.
Here's the story:
My dog was barking at the landscapers outside, which is normal behavior for him, but today it went on longer than usual. I was upset that he was barking because I was trying to put my newborn to sleep and he kept waking her up.
So, to try and calm him down I placed the newborn in her crib and put a leash on the dog and walked him to the front yard, just so he could see that there is no threat here. I planned to be gone 30 seconds and leave the doors open so I could still keep an eye on the new born (I was literally going to just walk stand on my front door area) but muscle memory closed the door behind me. I successfully locked myself out with a newborn in the house. alone.
Frantic, I tried to break down the door, but it wouldn't budge. I was about to break a window, but financially I would have never been able to replace it. So I did the only thing I could think of. I called my wife to come home and open the door. She works about 15 minutes away, but got here in 10.
The baby was hysterically crying the entire time and it broke my heart. How could I do something like this to my new daughter, leave her alone in the house so I could get the dog to shut up.
When my wife arrived home, she took the baby back to work with her (rightfully so) and now will not speak to me, despite me explaining over and over to her that I know I messed up and I shouldn't have gone outside anyway.
Now I am sitting here alone in a quiet house (the dog finally stopped barking) but tearing myself apart inside because of my stupidity.
TL;DR I took my dog outside and locked my newborn inside the house alone.
JessicaWinter: Give yourself a break! You're a new parent! If that's the worst fuckup you have while your daughter is a baby then you're doing good! People make mistakes, not to mention I'm sure you're not getting much sleep.. plus your baby was safe in her bed, in no danger at all. And I'd she was in danger you could've broken that window to get to her. You're not a bad parent. You're human!
shshon: Thank you. I just wish my wife could see it like that and realize that I would never put our daughter in danger intentionally.
I would have broken the window if she wasn't 10 minutes away. I just don't know how/when I could have gotten it fixed, which is why I hesitated on doing so.
JessicaWinter: Exactly, there was no reason to break it. It wasn't an emergency. Your wife will understand after she has some time to calm down. It will all be fine. Probably by the time she gets home from work. My hubby and I have a 4 year old daughter, many mistakes have been made. But she is a happy, healthy & intelligent little girl. Just take one day at a time. Good luck!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407862679 | 1407864062 | t3_2dclgx | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU This Photo Album Was Kept Secret For 60 Years. The Photos Inside Tell A Beautiful Story
Sebastien Lifshitz, a photographer from Paris, has spent the past 30 years obsessing over vintage photographs and collecting endless amounts of photo albums from flea markets and thrift stores around the world.
Find out the pics [here](https://www.simplythescoop.com/topic-detail/m4erjQ==/this-photo-album-was-kept-secret-for-60-years--the-photos-inside-tell-a-beautiful-story)
0mgNoWay: did he FU by keeping them a secret? orrrrr
belunos: Yea, wtf indeed!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407862048 | 1407865315 | t3_2dckb6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | aapkerani: TIFU by accidentally sending a photo of a box of condoms to my conservative indian in-laws
Voyager5555: "most embarrassing moment in the history of my life! "
You must have an amazingly great life.
aapkerani: I wouldn't necessarily use "amazingly great" I just don't get embarrassed easily. This, however, I am still blushing.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407865077 | 1407866271 | t3_2dcq6c | t5_2to41 | 3 | Imessedupthrowaway42: TIFU by letting someone know my Apple ID
ACURA_NSX: Apologize to those that were affected and tell them your account was "hacked" by some sicko. Assuming you like your friend enough to cover for him.
Imessedupthrowaway42: I would try that except they know more about this kind of stuff than I do. Saying someone "hacked my account" is kind of like saying a dog ate my homework at this point.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407863319 | 1407866574 | t3_2dcmp5 | t5_2to41 | 33 | Down_To_A_TEA: TIFU by getting my dick caught in my pants zipper
Like 99% of these submissions I actually fucked up yesterday. What follows is a lude an unabashed depiction of my penile entrapment.
I am a result blooded American male, and like any other red blooded American male I masturbate - probably too much.
So, yesterday while in the throngs of "me-time", I hear my phone ring from across the room; the magic being broken, I hurriedly collected myself to cross the room and answer my phone... A bit too hurriedly.
I found myself staring in desbelief at the most monumental personal failure I'd ever achieved. Never had I needed a legitimate yahoo answer more badly in my life.
What followed was the swiftest and most panicked google search I have ever performed in my life.
Eventually my pain overcame my shame, and I placed a call to my father for a bit of advice; I was both proud and alienated by the fact that he had never encountered the same problem.
After copious amounts of vasolene and cutting the crotch out of my pants, I was finally able to free myself. While I escaped physical injury, I don't think my dad can ever leave me alone in the house without bringing up this story.
TL;DR: Got my dick stuck in my zipper, be careful when you jerk your meat.
coolthefool: We got a bleeder!
Glad that your okay.
Down_To_A_TEA: No blood, thank God haha. I was not looking forward to a potential second circumcision
| 3 | 11 | |
1407864254 | 1407886968 | t3_2dcojw | t5_2to41 | 19 | helgihermadur: TIFU by crashing my friend's car.
My car's been at an auto shop for the past few days due to an anti-theft malfunction so I've been using my friend's car to get to work. Today I was driving to work on the highway when I noticed I was getting too close to the gravel at the side of the road. I completely lost control of the car and it flipped straight off to the side of the road. I got out of the car safe and sound but the windshield got smashed and the roof is heavily dented.
My friend who owns the car is seriously mad at me and he wants me to pay the damages. Of course I agree that I should pay but I'm a broke university student and he didn't even have casco-insurance so I'm pretty much screwed financially.
What are my best options? I'm not even sure that repairing the car is gonna pay off.
bl0nd33: didn't he have insurance - should be repairable through his because you were permitted to drive his vehicle
helgihermadur: He only had mandatory insurance-which in my country only covers any injuries that the driver might cause to himself or others.
bl0nd33: too bad-how old is the car? A windshield is only a couple hundred bucks and if you are at all handy maybe you can help with the roof repair - if not too pronounced you can get a tool to pull the dent out
helgihermadur: The car is a 2002 model I think, but it's pretty rare in my country. I don't know how easy it is to get a windshield that fits. Also, I think the dent in the roof is a bit too large for me to fix it myself. I'm not handy at all.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1407865685 | 1407875413 | t3_2dcrep | t5_2to41 | 5 | dnyukfuydndrbfgh: TIFU my chances for a job interview...
...by asking "I'm sorry, which position is this for again?" right after she said she was calling from **** Company, received my application etc. etc.
I applied for it YESTERDAY. GOD DAMN IT. I feel like I should just crawl under a rock and die.
Tolje: I have asked that question before. When I job hunt I throw my resume out like mad and when they call they always are unexpected and I'm no where near my computer to check what I sent where.
dnyukfuydndrbfgh: It was her tone of voice that did it.
"Uhhhh....engineering...?"
Like she was explaining the most obvious thing to a 5-year old.
rob_var: don't bother OP your goose is cooked, by that question it made you seem uninterested or completely desperate. Always write down where you and apply and for what even just a few lines. Or just fucking go with the phone call then investigate afterwards
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407865999 | 1407866678 | t3_2dcs13 | t5_2to41 | 7 | BookBeard: TIFU by telling a girl I was getting arrested.
So I've been having a crap time getting dates lately. I don't go out terribly often, and when I do, more often than not I'm sitting at the bar or getting dinner by myself and reading a book. So I've embraced the simple joys of online dating with "meh" levels of luck.
A week or so ago I start talking to one of the very few matches on Tinder that isn't a bot or a prostitute (or both, botstitute?) and I think things are going rather well. We haven't had a chance to actually meet yet, but I think there might be a chance, she seems rather nice. So I'm texting this very nice girl about good things going on at work today and as I'm heading in for the last part of my break casually mention:
"Sorry, I have to get back to raising bail for my impending incarceration."
I'm getting locked up tomorrow for a Muscular Dystrophy fundraiser, which I had forgotten to bring up. And now a very sweet girl probably thinks I'm an adze-murderer.
Steeltownfootball23: Meh, send her a picture surrounded by fundraiser people behind bars and you're in.
ragnarlothbrok9: Yeah you'll gain some extra points
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407866903 | 1407868965 | t3_2dctrt | t5_2to41 | 40 | OrionsBelch13: TIFU by closing my garage door....
**this was last week, I have only just reached the point where I am able to type this out....
It was a day not too unlike any of the other days I've had this summer. No school, and only part time work, no cares in the world really. So I took it upon myself that afternoon to get a acquainted with my good friend Mary Jane. Took a few bowl rips, a dab or two for good luck and decided to start my day. I was home alone which meant that should I decide to leave I would need to lock the front door behind me. Never been a big fan of using my keys in the first place, plus I was stoned and lazy, so I opted to leave in a manner that required little to no further action other than walking outside. Instead of going through my front door, I opted to leave through my garage. One thing I did not have however was the remote to close the garage from the outside, which meant that I would need to press the button from the inside and make sure I stepped over the sensor so the door would close. My garage is pretty big and using a normal walking pace would never allow me the time or space to properly clear the sensors before the door did. So a quick sprint and a jump was my only option. This is literally something I've done thousands of times dating back to when I was 8 or 9 years old and never had an issues, except this time. I pressed the button, made my sprint, did my gather, leaped and......THWACK!!! I jumped about as hard as I could straight into the closing metal door. I still made it out of the garage without tripping the sensors though, and aside from a little shock and some mild pain , I felt pretty good. So on I went with my day like nothing happened.
The following morning I felt a little bit off but nothing too serious. I went to the gym and progressively started to feel worse and worse as I got further into my lifts, culminating with me falling asleep on the fly machine. My friends prefer to say that I lost consciousness. Idk who's really right. Either way, when I came to I knew something was up and decided to go to the ER. Turns out my garage door shenanigans had left me concussed and I was getting delayed symptoms. The symptoms kept getting worse for about another two days (which were incredibly awful) before beginning to subside. Currently I'm 6 days removed from the incident and am just able to start using a computer and watching TV again without feeling sick. My appetite is totally shot, I'm lucky if I get 2 hours of continuous sleep, concentrating or thinking hard causes head pain and dizziness, but the absolute worst thing is the uncontrolled sweating. I'll just randomly have episodes where I can't stop sweating and it shoots off me like a sprinkler system. It happened at the doctors today and when I've stayed over at my girlfriend's place.
So the lesson here is when in doubt use your keys, cuz you could end up confused, bruised, and leave people thinking you have chronic hyperhidrosis.
NRay7882: When in doubt, don't get high and try to run out of the garage.
OrionsBelch13: **When in doubt, smoke upon exiting the house
Lurkndood: When in doubt smoke after you're out.
| 4 | 10 | |
1407867061 | 1407892295 | t3_2dcu3k | t5_2to41 | 63 | JuPasta: TIFU by having a big appetite.
I work two jobs that are relatively close to one another. One of them is a part time gig at a movie theater, the other is a filing job for a label inspection agency. The theater job is fun but I never get any shifts, the label job is godawful and I work full time.
I got the filing job because my parents are friends with the woman who runs it. When I first started working there she gave me a set of keys and told me that I needed to get ABC done by the end of august but I could come in whatever time during the day to work. I prefer to work late at night so I decided to go over after my movie theater shift this past saturday. It was around 10 pm.
I brought food with me as I hadn't eaten yet. The movie theater gives me free pop and popcorn, but only in specific cups/bags that are tiny. Due to this, I always get two of both.
I did some filing and went home around midnight. The next day the woman from my filing job asked if I could put the keys to her office in my mailbox for her husband to pick up, as he needs to go into the office late that night. I agreed obviously.
Yesterday night the husband came over. I was out with friends. He told my parents that his wife told him that I had friends over at the office without asking. When my parents asked why she thinks this he told them that I had food for two people there.
I texted her later that night, when I get home. I explained the misunderstanding and offered to go for coffee with her or phone her in the morning to sort this out. She replied that she was "too busy" and fired me.
TL;DR I was fired for drinking pop.
came2downvote: File for unemployment. You should definitely win the case, you then will have a little bit of money to keep you afloat while you look for a better job.
Starting_over_IRL: While you look for a bad ass raiding guild. Ftfy
Ismokeweeed: Or get challenger if that's more his thing.
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1407867781 | 1407958376 | t3_2dcvki | t5_2to41 | 15 | apachestop: TIFU by hitting a flesh fly with a rubber band.
OK, so this is my third post, so go easy on me. Please.
I saw this really big fly buzzing around, so I raised the alarm and retrieved my missles from my drawer (rubber bands), and then proceeded to give chase to the fighter. The fly buzzed around, then I hounded him into my room. I walked about 10 yards from the fighter fly which was refueling. I tied together three missle bands and launched it. The missle band missed by a inch. Damn. I tried again, and *BOOM*, I hit him. His left wing was damaged, but he managed to slooooowwwly fly away. I realized I had to get the big guns out. I got a one of those electric bug killer rackets, replaced the parts with a modified disposable camera circuit, and went on to kill the fly. I was well aware that if I encountered the fly with a spider next to him, I would have to use my homemade napalm or plastique to kill them. But, I didn't even need to use the modified bug zapper because he had become tired and was refueling on my window. I shot a missle.
*boom*
He disintegrated into bit and pieces. His guts went everywhere. Oh shit, he was a she, and her baby maggots were all over the floor! I went into panic mode. I mixed mosquito repellant with acetone and alcohol, and then diluted it with water. I sprayed it all over the floor, then took a paper towel and wiped the floor clean. Ithrew the paper into the fireplace and used it as kindling. One week later, I saw a lot more flies than usual. :/
EDIT: I looked up "flesh fly" on Wikipedia.
[quote]
Association with disease[edit]
Flesh flies can carry leprosy bacilli and can transmit intestinal pseudomyiasis to *people who eat their larvae*. Flesh flies, particularly Wohlfahrtia magnifica, can also cause myiasis in animals, mostly to sheep, and can give them blood poisoning, or asymptomatic leprosy infections.
[unquote]
PEOPLE EAT THEIR MAGGOTS???
*retches*
fuckusernames2175: I thought flies lay eggs on stuff, not carry maggots around?
[deleted]: That's what I was thinking. But I'm assuming he means the eggs ended up everywhere and later hatched.
gigisalinas: He said the maggots were everywhere not the larvae
[deleted]: Yes that is cleared up already. The comment of mine that you're replying to is older than the one after it was cleared up.
gigisalinas: Oh ok I didn't scroll thru all the comments
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1407869424 | 1407870548 | t3_2dcywt | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking a muggers arm
This happened yesterday. First, some background, I am vacationing in Boston. I am also a black belt in Krav Maga. So now to the story, I was eating breakfast at a McDonalds, and as I walked out a man pulled out a knife and demanded my phone. So naturally, I break his arm. After that I had him immobile on the ground, and called the police. After they arrive and get him in the back of the car, they ask me to come to the station for questioning. I do, and am not in any trouble with them. But they told me the mugger is trying to sue me for breaking his arm, and now I have to go to court.
soalone34: why don't you just break the entire courts's arms. Continue breaking arms up the chain until you have broken down the entire political system. Once you break Obama's arms you'll be a hero.
nathansuter1234: Not a bad Idea, will definitely consider
| 3 | 1.333333 |
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