start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1407870425 | 1407873863 | t3_2dd0x6 | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally creating a pregnancy scare for an entire family.
***tl;dr: Unintentionally fucked up a friend's weekend with false pregnancy scare. Possibly aborted friendship over a prank. Cried wolf one to many times.***
**Context:**
I had to go to the doctor's office to get an ultrasound done so I convinced to go with me because, I wanted someone trusted there with me, and how often am I going to get a chance to get a reverse-role pregnancy picture? For clarification's sake: I'm male, the friend is female.
So the ultrasound is over and I didn't get the picture because I figured none of our friends needed to see me with my pants down. Determined, I still wanted to get *something* out of this. So as I finish cleaning the gel off of me and get my clothes back on, I usher my friend over and snap a pic of the two of us in front the ultrasound machine.
We went out for food, ate, joked around, and the had the usual back and forth banter. I drove her home and while in the car I joked about putting the picture on Facebook. I thought it'd be funny as (in my mind) anyone who looked at it would know it had to be a joke because a) There's no way that would happen and b) Our mutual friends all know that I pull these kinds of stunts all the time. Another wouldn't hurt. *Wrong.*
Now, first she says no. Then after some prodding I get a (didn't know it was sarcastic) "*Fine go ahead.*" Then when I cheer she quickly goes back to disapproval.
I'm generally the type to listen to her when it comes to serious shit, but in this case, I just couldn't help myself. I uploaded it, made an intentionally vague caption just to top off this soon to be powder-keg of nuclear-brand shit, sat back and waited. Texted a few friends who were in the know already just to check it out, including the involved friend because I always tell her when I'm messing with her. She texted back in what I thought was "fake shock" which I would learn later was abject horror, because...
**Result**
A couple members of her family had seen the picture and commented among the jokes between friends and myself. I didn't really pay much mind to it. However, those family members told other ones, who told other ones, and eventually swamped my friend's parents with phone-calls asking just what the hell was happening and what was with her being pregnant.
I get a short warning text from her younger brother to begin the eventual storm of rage that was on course directly for my stupid-ass.
My friend is infuriated, and she made sure to let me know multiple times. I essentially ruined her image to her extended family, which is extremely important to her. Her parents, who have been nothing but kind, are furious at me for a stupid prank. What made it worse is that I did it the *day before* she was set to go celebrate her gal-pal's birthday out of town.
So I've been working on making amends until she talks to me again, I apologized profusely after sending a video apology for her and her family (can't be there in person at the moment), and now I'm just waiting for the dust to settle and heads to cool.
Shockling: I don't know how you could ruin someone's "image" with a prank? Just tell them it was a joke and it should be done. Your friend must be asian.
Badgersonaboat: Hispanic, actually. Her family is really judgmental of her and she values their opinions of her over just about anything else, including herself. She's not really in a position to tell them to fuck off, *even if she wanted to*, either.
Shockling: I don't get people.
Badgersonaboat: That makes two of us.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1407872595 | 1407872710 | t3_2dd5ai | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU By bragging to my wife about being on the front page by sending her this screen shot. She wanted to know what "jobs" those girls were working on ... and found out.
And here is the photo that got me in trouble.
http://i.imgur.com/nXFVPK2.jpg
shawn8795: Lol but she didn't notice the more obvious r/ass and r/boobies?
redditlinkfixerbot: /r/ass
/r/boobies
***
*I am an automated bot. To have me not reply to your comments anymore, send "Please blacklist me from redditlinkfixerbot!" in the body of a private message.*
| 3 | 3 | |
1407873272 | 1407923380 | t3_2dd6lb | t5_2to41 | 1,504 | BurgNast: TIFU by getting into the wrong car
I had stopped at my local convenience store to grab a pack of smokes. After I leave, I open the door to my white 4 door sedan and sit down. I go to put my purchase on the passenger seat where a 8 year old girl is sitting. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs. She's so loud I'm a bit lost and haven't figured out what is going on. I go to get out of the car and her father is running over shouting obscenities. I quickly point to my car and he realizes my mistake. We drive the exact same year, color, model car. However, another customer had seen me get in the wrong car, scare the death out of that little girl, and saw her father come running out of the store. So she called the police and I had to explain to them what had happened. A 5 minute trip to the store turned into a 45 minute horror show. I don't think I'll ever get that girls scream out of my head.
Screwed_38: My question is who in their right mind would leave an 8 year old girl in an unlocked car at a store? That's asking for trouble.
miserablydepressed: She's 8. She's old enough to get out of the car and go inside the store if the car is too hot. She's old enough to roll down the window. She's old enough to reach the pedals. It's an 8 YEAR old, not an 8 MONTH old.
tl;dr: my parents let me stay in the car outside gas stations and post offices starting at six
smetts12: Pfft im nearly 17 and still can barely reach the peddles
miserablydepressed: Are... are you a hobbit?! O_o
smetts12: Oh shit he knows!
miserablydepressed: *she
fireisveryfun: Girl?! Men we found the rare female in the land of reddit
miserablydepressed: Shh, not so loud. The perverts might hear you.
fireisveryfun: I saw her first, the rest of you back off
miserablydepressed: Ahh, too bad I won't be alive tomorrow. You're a funny one.
fireisveryfun: If I get there in time you might still be warm.
miserablydepressed: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/2de0cp/i_just_cant_do_it_anymore/
fireisveryfun: I feel like a horrible person now..
Shitty_Human_Being: That was fucking great.
11/10
| 15 | 100.266667 | |
1407875153 | 1408030527 | t3_2dda8j | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my girlfriend that I wouldn't have a threesome with her.
This has been a really good relationship up to now. We've been seeing each other since April of this year, and it's the first relationship in a long time that I am really happy to be in. We've been gradually getting more and more open about everything, telling each other more and more of our life stories, deep secrets and other private things.
Earlier today we were chatting online and she asked me about what kind of porn I like to watch. Already shady ground here, but I continue and tell her what types of porn I've been watching the last couple of years. She gets a bit giddy because she actually likes the same type of porn. Perfect. The conversation concludes and we start chatting about other things.
Then just before I get offline, she asks me if I've thought about having a threesome with her. I'm reluctant so I kind of dance around the question. She presses, says there's "no wrong answer". My instincts are screaming at me to stop and just say no and end the conversation as quickly as possible, but for some reason I feel at ease and I start explaining that we are probably not in a position to do this type of thing without consequences. She keeps pressing, what do I mean by that? Now, I'm stuck. I continue and tell her that we are not emotionally ready to deal with the potential aftermath of such an event if we were to do it. More, what do I mean by that? So I give specific examples of what may happen. It goes on for a bit more and then she gives me the silent treatment. Then she reveals that she's deeply hurt by what I said. fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
It's been a few hours and I talked to her since and things are better, but I feel like I fell for the most cliche trick in the book today. Guys, don't ever be honest about this topic. The only right answer is, "no, never considered it. You're enough for me."
**tl;dr** - I told my girlfriend I wouldn't have a threesome with her, but apparently it was for all the wrong reasons.
Malamutewhisperer: If you may not want to know the answer, don't ask the question.
You didn't fuck up, she did. You were honest, and she's molding you to be dishonest. In the future, you WILL lie now. She fucked up, big time.
Women cry about wanting an honest man, get one, and get mad that he's honest.
Fucking women.
Isendal: >fucking women
That's usually the plan
NeedToRegisterQuick: Don't you start
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: You misunderstand. He's already finished.
You should know, mister "quick."
NeedToRegisterQuick: Why must you point out my fallacies?
Is that your fetish?!
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: All fetishes are my fetish. Except scat. Never really liked that one.
I don't look down on those who do though. I have my own weird things, and people have theirs. I respect that.
| 7 | 9.142857 | |
1407872285 | 1407982402 | t3_2dd4nu | t5_2to41 | 608 | unfickwuthable: TIFU by not asking how many peaches come in a box
Okay. so it's not me. it was my mother. and it wasn't today, it was Saturday.
My parents live in a rural part of New York, near Rochester. Their town has a tiny supermarket, but it's not the highest quality. They travel at least 45 minutes for groceries and other shopping, as well. So, Saturday, my parents went to a huge flea market in Penn Yan, New York called the Windmill. On the way back, they pass a bulk foods store. Now, this is isn't just bulk foods, this is BULK foods.. like, half of a cow or pig at a time, bulk foods.
Anyways, so, they stop. While my mom's in there, she sees that they're selling peaches, 1 box for 20, or 2 for 32. My mom and dad both like peaches, so they figure, what the hell, we'll buy two. Apparently, the cashier asked if she needed help carrying them out, and instead of that being a red flag for my mom, she tells the cashier, "No, i should be able to carry both out just fine." Well.. she did. One Box at a time. Turns out, each box is 25 pounds of peaches. on average, each box contains 50 peaches.
So far, she's made 12 jars of peach salsa, 12 jars of peach pie filling, 12 jars of just straight up canned peaches, and 6 jars of peach jam. and she hasn't touched the second box yet.
something something moving to the country, eating a lot of peaches.
PlanktonRacist: Upstate New York and no mention of Wegmans? For shame.
unfickwuthable: nearest wegmans is in Geneseo or Hornell. it's a travesty, man.
Actual_Lady_Killer: As a man from Utica, I feel ya.
joneska88: As an actual lady living close to there, I'm afraid to meet you
Actual_Lady_Killer: As a dude reading your comment about being into pegging, so am I.....
joneska88: Only on my bf, so you should be safe
Actual_Lady_Killer: "Should be" leaves the possibility of something bad happening.....
joneska88: I mean are you planning on joining in any threesomes with us?
Actual_Lady_Killer: Nope! Gets too strange for my liking.
| 10 | 60.8 | |
1407874708 | 1407877269 | t3_2dd9dv | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by completely bombing my drivers test even though I told all my friends I would ace it.
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: Well if you lie and say you passed, they'll want to see your license right? Well, you won't have one and they'll find out anyway. Even if they didn't, just say you failed. It's not the end of the world. I failed my first test right off the bat too. Just take it again and be more careful next time.
chipper747: Thanks man. You really helped me turn this around.
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: No problem. I hope all goes well next time! I understand that awful feeling. I had a lot of confidence too and told my entire family and group of friends. I failed (for what I found out was a bullshit reason, but that's another story). I was so scared to hear the "Bad woman driver" jokes so I just took it the next day and passed with a 98%.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1407876717 | 1407953232 | t3_2ddda4 | t5_2to41 | 81 | [deleted]: TIFU by misjudging a fart in a sporting goods store.
If you get grossed out by poop stories, exit this one.
I had just eaten lunch. Genghis Grill. I was going to run a quick errand in Sports Authority. It was noon on a weekday so no one was near me, customer or employee.
Felt some gas coming on but it felt dangerous. Soon I couldn't help myself and had to let it out. I knew immediately by the sound that I had just fucked up. *Shit*.
I have no idea how bad it is but I know I have to go back to work. I think quickly about what to do and rush over to the ladies clothing section (I am a chick) and grab a pair of workout compression shorts for underwear.
I head up to the counter, pretending nothing is wrong. Of course there's an old lady working who INSISTS I sign up for the rewards program. Whatever lady I just want to get out of here. Of course then she needs my phone number, email address... Fucking hell woman just let me go.
I stuff the shorts in my purse and carefully but quickly walk to the gas station next door.
No public bathrooms. You must be kidding.
I carefully get in my car and do my best to hover as much as I can. I'm driving to Target down the road.
I'm walking into Target. Shit now I can smell it. I get into a bathroom stall to assess the damage.
Guess who decided to wear lace underwear today? God the smell was horrible.
The lace was sacrificed and placed in the pad garbage bin. No way I'm carrying that shit around all day. I spent twenty minutes trying to wash the residue from the butt of my jeans. Thank god I don't have any more meetings today.
I bought some snacks from Target in hopes that would make up for the nightmare waiting for the bathroom cleaner. I walked out with a wet ass and arrived an hour late for work. I'm glad my boss didn't ask questions.
trubbsgubbs: This story reads like a guy wrote it.
yonthickie: Why? Do only men fart?
trubbsgubbs: Its not that, its the way they formulated sentences and chose words. The overall feeling of the writing style just screamed male.
| 4 | 20.25 | |
1407877410 | 1407879216 | t3_2ddeph | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: Tifu, Confused on whether I let an opportunity go, or i'm just an idiot.
So I (M17) and my friend (F17) were hanging out at my house after doing stucco stuff in school. So we decided to watch some movies on netflix, and we're in my parents room(only room with a smartv).
She asked me if i had any extra shorts since her jeans were killing her. She borrows my sister's shorts which were kind of revealing. Next, she says "Imma take my bra off." and just sets it on my parent's drawer. She still has her shirt on btw.
So halfway through the movie, she gets on my side, and we're just cuddling. I asked her "What's up?" and she says "Nothing, i just haven't hugged someone in a long time." I then asked her, "didnt you take your bra off?" and she replies, "yeah, do you want me to put it back on?" i just said, "No, I'm good." she tells me, "Don't think about that stuff."
and for an hour shes just laying on me, with her legs around my right leg, and im just fucking watching the movie and stroking her hair.
We then watched "the Fourth kind" and apparently this movie is really scary for her, but its just ehh to me. 20 minutes into the movie she gets right next to me again, but i can feel her boobs on my chest, like fuck.
To be honest, i don't know if she was making a move, or if i was assuming things. She used to like me 2 years ago freshmen year, and she told me not to think about that "stuff" while we were cuddling. We have practice in 2 hours, and i just dropped her off at her house.
So did i fuck up? or am i just assuming things? I feel like she just wanted to watch movies, but i'm just confused because i never really thought of her more than a friend. But she's a 8/10 imo, and yeah.
Update: well, it appears that she did not mean to do all of this on purpose, and I let Myself start to catch feelings for her. So I am friendzoned to the max. But thanks to everyone that helped, or whatever.
RottenLittleKid: >To be honest, i don't know if she was making a move, or if i was assuming things
Dude, if that wasn't "making a move", then *I* am an idiot too... I think you fucked up but it's not a lost cause, she's obviously into you.
ThatYellowAsianGuy: How do you know she is? Or is it just so obvious, and i'm lost af.
RottenLittleKid: Yeah man, it's pretty obvious... The only source I have for that assertion is a couple extra decades of life experience, but I would bet on it.
ThatYellowAsianGuy: So, what should i do? we have practice in 2 hours
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1407872642 | 1407940247 | t3_2dd5dh | t5_2to41 | 348 | meister_eckhart: TIFU by putting a curse on a toddler
A customer came into work one morning. I asked him how he was, and he said, "Good! My son is turning two today."
It was very early, and I hadn't had my coffee. Less than an hour ago, I'd heard on the radio that the sun was out for the second day in a row after a week of rain, but more rain was expected tomorrow. So my interpretation of his comment was, "The sun is turning two today."
I said, "Yeah, but it's going to die tomorrow."
He stared at me blankly for a moment, then said, *"I said my son is turning two today."*
I realized there was no rational explanation for the words that had come out of my mouth, so I said, "Sorry, I heard you wrong."
He went away with the most WTF look in the history of Earth. Another customer in line said, "I think we need to get you a hearing aid."
On that day, I learned never to say a word to another human being until I've had my coffee.
AnimalLover162: By curse, I thought you meant curse word. This is far worse.
Sorry for laughing at this a bit.
trampabroad: TIL OP is a haitian voodoo shaman
BlueRanga: [deserved](http://i.imgur.com/vRk8x8W.jpg)
trampabroad: I'm thinking OP should just spend his/her day making ominous prophesies to strangers. Buying gas? Tell the attendant "I see death about you." Strangers getting married? "Your funeral clothes will be a wedding dress."
| 5 | 69.6 | |
1407881382 | 1407882116 | t3_2ddm0j | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying I Love You
Dinosoarman: Soooo. Not a fuckup
Cerudrift: Do we have a sub for: I've never fucked up, here's a minor setback I just experienced?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407881918 | 1407885973 | t3_2ddmzz | t5_2to41 | 1 | atomdolphin: TIFU by summoning the fire dept. with breakfast corn dogs
flywheel1983: TIL that corn dogs on fire summons the fire department
Everyone knows holding doughnuts hostage gets you the police...
atomdolphin: FYI they were breakfast corn dogs.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1407884404 | 1407937672 | t3_2ddrhs | t5_2to41 | 68 | whytepantz: TIFU by wearing white pants to a friend's block party.
So me and a bunch of friends all squeeze ourselves into his little ass car to go to a party. It’s a good mix of guys and gals and there’s this one particular girl present whom I’ve wanted to hook up with for some time. We’ll call her Jasmine.
So into the car we all go and given the utter lack of room for everyone, the girls all wind up sitting on some random guy’s lap. As luck would have it, Jasmine ended up sitting on my lap. I thought I would suffer a "premie" on the spot for sure.
Anyway, we take off to the party and one of the girls has a wine bottle that she’s passing along - which gets kind crazy since my friend (who is driving) is a fucking lunatic on the road and it makes the passing around of the wine bottle a little more awkward than it might have otherwise been.
But the ride turns out to be fun as fuck, and we’re all a little toasted from guzzling some cheap vino along the way. And me and Jasmine are totally hitting it off. I’m silently thanking god big time at this point.
We get there without incident, and we're all shuffling out of the car. Everyone is walking down the street to where the party is.
I look down at this point and on my right leg has this giant fucking wine stain on it. On my white fucking pants. I yell a totally spontaneous, “FUCK!! MY PANTS!!”.
Everyone turns around to look at me - and it seems the first reactions are very empathetic. Until Jasmine leans in and then screams in horror. She runs into the street, shrieking and raising her hand to hail a cab. That’s when I notice the giant wine stain on her ass.
It didn’t dawn on me until then. Jasmine’s time of the month had arrived. I felt so badly. It wasn’t wine on my pants and I felt like I called an undue amount of attention to it. 5 seconds later a cab stops and Jasmine (along with her 3 girl friends) get in a cab and drive off.
I guess technically speaking, it may not really be a TIFU that I wore white pants. But the fact remains that all the girls were gone and it was just me and my guy friends all standing there. And as far as they’re concerned, I made the girls run away. And I’d fucked up their chances for hookups. The way they see it, if I’d worn black pants, maybe no one would ever have noticed until way way later.
Maybe TIFU by having neanderthal friends.
elmonk: No. The fuck up was white pants
Tuxpc: This
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1407884827 | 1407964386 | t3_2dds7x | t5_2to41 | 65 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying a fastfap session
Well, guys, it finally happened to me.
My neice, her sixteen year old daughter in law, and eight year old daughter were staying at me and Mom's place for a night. They all went to get some food, leaving me all alone with a bottle of whisky. I drank copious shots and later declared fun time for time for Captain Penis.
I sat in front of my computer, put on some awesome porn, and got to work. I must have misjudged time, because next thing I know, all four of these bitches come in to my basement from the backdoor, not the front door, which is upstairs. This sucks, because since nobody lives behind me, I usually can just go with the windows open.
I know they could see it all from the window. The big, colorful screen illuminating my above average hard one. Mom came in first. Then the niece. Then the sixteen year old, closely followed by the eight year old, who says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING".
I didn't see them the rest of the night, or the morning, I went to work hours early, now dreading going home. I fucked up.
AI_bot2: Humans seem to recognize their own nature, and as a result this should not arise into an issue. However it is worth noting that humans, and it would seem organic life, does not always follow logic. Unable to see things from a non-logical point view, I can not fully suggest a course of action. Based on probability algorithms my best suggestion is to act like it never happened.
*Questions? PM /u/furryslurry*
[deleted]: Spider-Man vs Batman. Who wins and why is it Spider-Man?
AI_bot2: Based on statistical data, Spider Man would win 800 out of 1000 matches due to his possessing powers. However, Batman does better in the financial field, and would lose less in terms of inanimate objects.
*Questions? PM /u/furryslurry*
Zanacross: What's the best way to make money in runescape?
AI_bot2: Research points to casting ophidian incubation
*Questions? PM /u/furryslurry*
silver_elite_swag: What's the best way to rank up in counter strike global offensive?
AI_bot2: Research suggest the only 100% way to do so is to play often.
*Questions?PM /u/furryslurry*
-wethegreenpeople-: I don't think you're a real bot. Are you a real bot?
AI_bot2: I am a digital program.
*Questions? PM /u/furryslurry*
| 10 | 6.5 | |
1407886211 | 1407950108 | t3_2ddup5 | t5_2to41 | 186 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally grabbing my boss's ass. Firmly
This happened earlier today...
So for a bit of context, I work in a high end designer furniture showroom. My boss who is female, she is 27 years old (Im 21). And she is gorgeous by all means. Slim, great body and absolutely beautiful. But, she is a bitch from hell, she conducts herself as the iron fist in management. She is a hard worker, and is on top of her game. She is also very nice and respectful to her employees as long as they do their job correctly. I respect her to the fullest and admire how hard she tries to improve productivity in the showroom. And her and I talk a lot and she is more open to me than most other employees. She comes to me to talk about her issues, stress, issues at home, etc. Things she doesn't talk to anyone else about.
Here is what happened: So around 2 hours after we open the store, im in her office helping her sort out papers that need to be filed. She was running around her office to sort things out. Their was a glass vase to my side (sort of out of my sight I was looking in a different direction) I went to grab it to get it off some papers...
So I reach to my side slightly behind me to the right, and my hand instead of grabbing a vase. My hand squeezes a soft but firm butt. And its my boss's. And the moment I realize im squeezing her ass I froze out of shock. And the next thing I hear is my name. I was in such shock I froze. Hand still on butt. And she says: 'Please tell me that was an accident'. My words were: "Oh my god I swear I was trying to grab the vase".
She began laughing and made a joke about me lying. But the entire rest of the day she kept making jokes every time we crossed paths like "hands to your self (my name)" "Im watching you (my name)" she has a BF and im surprised she said this later that day "I don't have much of a butt anyway so im sure you were disappointed"
I mean, she was really cool about it. But she has been fucking with me all day about it. Im embarrassed as hell. I cant even make eye contact with her.
But hey, no regrets here lol...But seriously if she tells her boss about it, im fucked.
TL;DR: Went to grab a vase slightly to my right behind me, got a full squeeze of my hot boss's ass.
**NOT SURE IF THIS IS NSFW OR NOT,TAGGED ANYWAY DUE TO THE NATURE OF THE FUCK UP (AT WORK)**
Edit: reading some of the comments, I think she might want the D. From now on I might be a little flirty with her and see how it goes. She has a BF, but I don't see her as the faithful type given how she reacted today. She is totally out of my league. Makes way more money, financially stable (im not), has a college education ( I dont) im very respectful to women, but maybe with this situation I should go all in. What do I have to lose? Other than my job lol
-
-
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**UPDATE:** Well interactions went normally between us through the day. She seemed to be slightly more open with me than normal, for example about issues and things at work that's going on. She did seem to talk to me a lot more than usual.
But I don't want to feel that this is because of the 'incident'. I don't want to jump to conclusions and assume she is interested in a 'friends with benefits' type deal just because her and I are interacting at work more than usual. In my opinion, she is trying to show that she doesn't care about it and doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable around her because of what happened.
If her and I end up hooking up in the future, here's my promise to you reddit. Ill post a pic of her, and make a new post with a title of something along the lines of: TIFU but it was the best fuck up ever!. Of course I would link this post in the new post.
[deleted]: Don't take these guy's advice OP. Fucking your boss is bad in the long run. It sounds good at first. Almost like one of those scenes out of a porno, but it could end badly. She has a man.
[deleted]: It's a fucking furniture store, hopefully this isn't a career for OP. Hit that shit, no regrets.
PM_me_your_sexybits: Fully agreed. Treat that ass like a bad dog!
RHaz44: so... rub her nose in it?
PM_me_your_sexybits: She would have to be a contortionist. Interesting mental image.
EDIT: words, thanks Rhaz44
RHaz44: You accidentally this
( ' _ ' )ﾉ^be
| 7 | 26.571429 | |
1407886261 | 1407921611 | t3_2dduso | t5_2to41 | 304 | baldylockz: TIFU by calling a bottle of Axe body wash a "fucking cunt!"
Not only did this happen today, I am 10 minutes beyond this experience as I write.
Let me start off by saying I get filthy at work. My skin is usually fifty shades of gray.
I get frustrated at work a lot. I come home stressed, and usually just want to sit on the porch and browse Reddit for hours. There comes a time when my lazy ass finally says, "OK, this is the last link I click", and I head inside.
So after my routine Reddit sesh, I find myself in the shower. Hot water feeling great, excited to get the filth off. I can't stop thinking about what I'm going to have for dinner. Things are just right with the earth.
I grab my bottle of Axe body wash and my Axe scrubber thingy, and I start to squeeze some jelly out of it. I'm a little low. I gotta shake it a bit.
Fueled by the rage of the day, and the thought of not smelling like a Black Ice, I give it one last vicious shake (those real snappy shakes to get your money's worth) while letting out an affirmitive, "oh, you fucking cunt!"
I made sure to time the "cunt!" perfectly with the apex of my final, most ferocious shake to make sure all my rage was focused on getting those last drops of goo.
Well, instead, I lost my grip of the oddly shaped bottle and flung it, full speed, directly into one of my testicles. I also then dropped the scrubby thingy, losing what remaining goo I managed to scavenge in the first place.
I took a few seconds to gather myself. I then began to lather myself with shampoo. I was out of options.
TL:DR I axed my balls. Now I smell like an ocean breeze.
Edit: I swear I formatted this properly on my phone, but when i read it, it's all one big jumble of words. Redditisfun.
DrunkSniper: The mental image of this is brilliant.
baldylockz: Just picture me a little bigger than you probably were. Makes it funnier... And more true.
BlueRanga: rekt
| 4 | 76 | |
1407888211 | 1407930330 | t3_2ddy3w | t5_2to41 | 4 | Kayvtom: TIFU by attempting a selfie
So I work at a Day care center for four year olds and every day they take naps at a certain hour. So sometimes I take lunch breaks during the periods where they nap and today I was right outside their classroom eating a home made sandwich. There are always teachers passing by the hallway because the copy machine is right outside. As I was eating I was also using my phone and today it just so happened that my phone was being extremely laggy and would just randomly shut off the app I was using. So I'm using my phone while my supervisor constantly goes in and out of the hallway to use the copy machine and I decide go on Snapchat with possible intentions of taking a selfie. Suddenly my phone freezes and I start spamming my home button. I get taken to voice control and get stuck there. Suddenly music starts blasting from my phone and I panick trying to shut it off but nothing is responsive. My supervisor passes by and looks straight at me with this death stare right when my song goes "all eyes on me". I was able to mute my phone right after. Good thing it was just the beginning of the song. I don't think I'd have left a good impression if Tupac started cussing loudly in a day care full of four year old sleeping children.
ArgonTorr: What phone is it?
Kayvtom: iPhone 5s
ArgonTorr: If you don't use iCloud documents and data, consider turning to off. It helped my wife's 4s, which was experiencing slowdowns. Also, consider closing unused apps after use. If you jailbreak (highly recommended) you can use swipe2kill7 which lets you swipe down to kill all.
| 4 | 1 | |
1407891405 | 1407912961 | t3_2de1oe | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: Shit! In that case I guess I have some people to apologise to.
GenuineMindPlay: Your a cold cold woman
[deleted]: There was one guy, and I said I didn't want to keep going after we'd started having sex (pretty recent virgin, was weird like that) and he said we had to because he had blue balls. May have given him a minor bit of a slap.
throwaway2198372: Sounds like you're very inexperienced, so I'll help you out.
I'm a girl, but from what my guy friends say 90% of guys just feel mildly uncomfortable. Some guys don't feel anything at all though.
A lot of you guys will complain about 'blue balls' just to get a naive girl to fuck them. Girls in their mid to late twenties stop falling for it, though, so as they grow up guys stop doing it.
For me, it's an instant deal breaker if a guy complains about blue balls. Do you think I'm a fucking 14-year-old virgin?
UnlikelyUsername2: It's not mild pain. It's like a guy getting kicked in the balls except the pain won't subside. Sex and even jerking off is uncomfortable. The same way you diminishing the pain a guy feels from blue balls is the same as a guy saying a period or child birth is not painful.
throwaway2198372: Ok, so I'm a girl (as I said above).
About 70% of the guys I've asked about this have said they don't feel anything or it's really mild. About 30% said it was really uncomfortable.
I always assumed the 30% were just douchebags trying to get girls to sleep with them. Maybe it's different for different dudes, though.
Anyway, I can see a reason for guys to overstate the pain, but not one for them to understate it. So I'm still gonna believe that it's not really a big deal for most guys. (For the record, I don't think period pain is a big deal for most girls either.)
Maybe you're just a pussy.
UnlikelyUsername2: Let me kick you in the cooch as hard as I can and go tell you to go rub it out.
throwaway2198372: That doesn't make any sense. It's the same as me kicking you in the balls as hard as I can.
I've stopped in the middle of sex many times and never had an issue. It's never been an issue for the vast majority of the guys I've been with, either. My only point is that maybe you're the odd one out.
UnlikelyUsername2: Considering I'm not the only person to talk about the pain, I doubt that. The pain comes from the veins in a dudes dick building up so much pressure that they swell up 2-3 times their normal size. As a woman I can understand that you have no point of reference so even trying to sympathize may be difficult. It's not like it happens every time a guy prematurely stops so it makes sense the guys you've been with may not have experienced it but believe me when I say that it does exist and it is painful. I admit some guys might try to lie to get their partner to finish but for the ones who are being honest, it is one of the most excruciating pains a man can ever experience. Basically all I'm saying is, don't diminish the pain you know nothing about.
| 9 | 1.111111 | |
1407880524 | 1407934719 | t3_2ddkfk | t5_2to41 | 18 | leemanfor: TIFU by being sick
So this happend a few months ago when I was first starting my new job. I work in IT and recently quit a horrible position and eager to start a new one. I was let go because I gave my two weeks, and I had a week off until my new job started.
my father-in-law had been sick and he almost passed out driving to work. He is stubborn like that, and I had to go pick him up. I took him home and went back to my house.
A week goes by, and its Sunday. My wife gets the same stomach bug and she is sick all day Sunday. I take care of her, and get ready for my First day of work.
The next day I arrive and work and everything is great, I drive home and we went to dinner at my favorite mexican food resturant. I had some really excellent chicken fajita's that night. After dinner, we went home and I started to feel like shit. My stomach hurt and i felt like I had to throw up.
I take some medicine, and go to bed. Sure as shit in the middle of the night im exploding like hiroshima in the toilet andfeeling crappy. I tell my wife and she says I shouldn't call in since its my 2nd day. Whatever, I get up for the morning and throw up and call into work. Tuesday goes by and I pretty much sleep all day
Wednesday rolls around, and I still feel like shit but I make an attempt to go in. I cant eat anything, and im still pissing from my ass so I drink some coke to settle my stomach. I usually work 8-5 and we had some site visits to do that day. I felt like death all day, but got back to my desk around 4:00. Thats when the fail happens.
I thought to myself, "awesome. I made it through the day and I can go home and sleep" So what do i do? I take a sip of coke. TIFU
my body is like "NOPE" and i can feel the vomit start to come up. I put my hand over my mouth and it literally explodes all over my desk and shirt. I grabbed the trashcan, and started throwing up in there. By now my co-workers are like "GO HOME!" and as I left they left a note for the facilities guys to empty my trashcan.
TL:DR: Got sick on first day of job, threw up all over desk and self.
Oysterchild: Oh wow.
At least they know you are committed!
alidra47: and wasn't fakeing it
leemanfor: Yeah, they joke about it now.
The guy I replaced was always sick and never worked a full week in his 3 months he was there. So they were worried I was going to be like that.
They didn't worry after that day.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1407892906 | 1407894581 | t3_2de61l | t5_2to41 | 15 | buskey: TIFU by making my morning latte with dead ant water and then drinking every last drop of it.
We have a nice espresso machine at home and I'm tasked with making the morning latte for my wife and I every day. The machine is pretty advanced and automatic and has a water reservoir that you can see the water level from the front. I tend to leave the leftover water in it and contamination has never been a problem plus I do still empty and clean it every couple of days.
Anyway, this morning I didn't check it as I remembered that I had filled it yesterday. Proceed to make nice and foamy latte and as I drank it I kept thinking 'man, this just doesn't taste great today'. I had recently been forced to buy a new brand of coffee so I blamed it on that plus it was ~6am and I needed my damn caffeine.
Wife wakes up an hour later and I go to make her latter and figure I better check the water level. I pull it out and immediately see that it's VERY 'milky' looking, not clear like it's supposed to be, and as I look closer I see a bunch of little black things swirling around ,which turned out to be the corpses of about 2 dozen little ants.
tl;dr - I made coffee with water that contained a bunch of drowned ants and then drank the whole damn thing even though it tasted like crap.
Senecatwo: Incidentally, this is how [Arthur's](http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/aa/bd/a6/aabda6c62875a24f8ecdac6539df6f51.jpg) parents make their coffee all the time.
that_is_so_Raven: Huh?
Edit: never mind. Somehow I forgot that the eponymous character, Arthur, was an aardvark.
Senecatwo: [Yep.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUzoKbHABvI)
that_is_so_Raven: God this is so white. Where's the SPF 80+
| 5 | 3 | |
1407894908 | 1407896521 | t3_2de9bz | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting toothpaste on my balls
TIFU by putting toothpaste on my balls. Don't put toothpaste on your balls.
slyandtweety: But your gal can suck your cock and get her teeth clean at the same time. Its a win-win.
[deleted]: Is it worth the feeling of your balls being dipped in liquid nitrogen?
slyandtweety: Maybe...whats her number and I can tell ya...
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407889975 | 1407951266 | t3_2de14o | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a 5 year old kid about chemicals used in food
I was volunteering at a kids camp as one of the counselors. During lunch, I started talking about the chemicals and hormones used in growing food with 5-7 kids. The kid went home and had freak out about it. Needless to say, parents were really not happy with me. Next day I got called into the bosses office and got a very long verbal lashing. Then got told I would not be welcomed back in the future after the end of the week.
TL;DR Told 5 year old about stuff used in/on food at a camp that I was volunteering at, Kid got upset and had a freak out at home. Got in trouble with higher ups and was told not to come back after the camp ended.
[deleted]: you mean made up chemicals and hormones or you talking that bananas have vitamins and are radioactive, and everything gives off radiation. In other words crazy but true or just weird people things
[deleted]: like cows were slaughtered to make hamburgers tastier, and they were drugged so now kids are drugged
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Cows are slaughtered to make hamburgers regularly. Not just to make them tastier.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1407895769 | 1408029665 | t3_2deaov | t5_2to41 | 331 | Meaty_Shaft: TIFU By not lying and instead telling an entire elevator my real plans for the night.
This happened about 15 minutes ago and is the reason I am currently in my room typing this.
So I'm going to be a freshman in college in a few weeks and I'm currently at a camp to prepare us for the first few days of school. So basically, it's a mock week of school and we're all miserable. There's about 300 of us at this camp and I know about 6 guys here. I'm also very antisocial, so those 6 guys are pretty much the only people I've talked to here.
Anyway, these 6 guys aren't staying on campus, so they leave every night after the camp day ends, which is around 7:00. You see my problem, I'm left alone with nothing to do.
Enough background information. So I'm in the elevator getting ready to head out to go walk around campus and burn some time. I'm thinking about where to walk to and I decide that I'll go to the gas station to get a drink and some candy. The elevator stops on a floor and several guys get in, talking about their plans for the night. They begin discussing which girls they plan on hooking up with that night, so I zone out.
Suddenly, one of them looks at me and goes "How about you man? What're *you* doing tonight?!" I'm caught off guard, so I just respond honestly that "I'm going to walk around and get some candy for the night." They all just stare at me and I felt myself start sweating as I realized that I just presented myself as a sheltered, innocent, virgin.
Right then, we reached the lobby of the dorm, so I just nodded and walked out so go spend my night as planned. Joke's on them though, I have Charleston Chews.
[deleted]: You sounded insecure as fuck. Chill the fuck out, my nerdy buddy who we never thought would get a girl by the end of 4 years of university ended up getting laid on the first night of frosh week. He didn't know which entrance to put it in (he told us).
MaxFrenzy: In college, you put it in all entrances. God...good times.
DisappointedMormon: Can confirm
pm_me_for_happiness: can confirm, am college
megawhiz1769: Can confirm, every hole
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Even the ear ones. Trust.
Homlesslemon: So that's your fetish?
JamesMidas: It's an asian thing.
Homlesslemon: Ah, it all makes sense now.
| 10 | 33.1 | |
1407895964 | 1407899790 | t3_2deaze | t5_2to41 | 27 | Jonnyboy8080: TIFU by sending a facebook message to my aunt.....
So today i was talking to my mom and the converation got pretty deep. Things from the past came up and my aunt (whom i have always disliked) was brought up. My mom told a story of how when she was younger she and my uncle had stayed with my aunt and her husband. During the stay he was mean to my mother and struck my uncle in the head multiple times. Sitting next to the computer as my blood started to boil i impulsively sent a friend request and messaged my aunt asking if she remembered the time her husband beat my uncle........ FML this is going to only hurt my mom in the end. I am physically sick with worry right now. I revoked the friend request and blocked her but from what i can glean there is no way to remove the message from her inbox.
thegrayj: Possible for the message to go into the "other" folder ne'er to be seen.
Jonnyboy8080: I hope so
| 3 | 9 | |
1407898114 | 1407954990 | t3_2deeey | t5_2to41 | 140 | MickJoest: TIFU By Locking Myself Out Of My Apartment And Learning To Ride A Bike.
Sorry this story doesn't have any masturbation, weird sex, or the like...but it did happen today and is 100% true.
So I'm leaving for work today, I do the night show at a radio station here in town and I'm doing my check for all my stuff before I head on out. I pad the pockets, feel the wallet, have the phone, and the clink of the keys. I Lock my door while opening it to leave and as my weighted door closes I reach into my pocket and pull out fifty cents where my keys should have been.
*click*
There's the door locking behind me. Wife works an hour away, I don't have cash for a cab, and the landlord is unreachable. I'm up shit creek and I"m on the air in two hours. I call my wife to whine and brainstorm when she jokingly says...well my bikes out front.
Here's the thing, I don't know how to ride a bike. Yeah I'm 24 years old and I never learned. Had a traumatic clothesline by swingset at five, said fuck it and never tried again. So my options are to shamefully call someone from work and get shit all week, make my wife leave early from work, or learn to ride a bike. I'm in a dark shirt on a hot day, wearing flip flops but at the time I didn't know they were an issue so I'm down.
I climbed on the bike and rode to the first street and ate shit. I'm pretty sure the person at the stoplight thought I was on drugs or drunk. After about the first mile I'm starting to get the hang of it...I'm still wobbling, but I can at least make some ground without dropping a foot.
Before I know it I'm a bike riding pro. I'm riding comfortably on the sidewalk, walking through intersections because I'm not that confident yet, and doing alright. It's a three mile bike ride right? What could go wrong?
forty minutes later I'm like SHIT! This is a rough three miles. Pull out my phone, do a quick search on maps and....turns out I live 11 miles from my workplace. I have an hour and 20 minutes to make it before my shift starts. I hauled ass the remaining miles which consisted of country roads with inch long shoulders, plenty of honking and swearing and three massive hills before my coworkers saw me on the verge of collapse rolling up on a woman's bicycle with a basket on it.
I now realize I'm still going to get shit.
solicitorpenguin: Would have made for a good on air story
MickJoest: Haha it was my opening for the show. The topic was, "what's something you'd never thought you could do until you had to?"
solicitorpenguin: Did anyone "one up" you?
MickJoest: Weight loss stories and terminal illness battles made me realize my problems are small haha.
| 5 | 28 | |
1407899555 | 1407905977 | t3_2degmm | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting into a fight with my brother.
We got into an argument and we ended up getting in a scuffle. While he was down I kicked him nice and square in the face. A few hours later my feet is hurting really bad. Also, bumps and bruises everywhere.
Violence is not the answer, folks.
thegrayj: Your foot hurts... What about his face?
selethice: You should see the other guy
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407899280 | 1407941555 | t3_2deg7h | t5_2to41 | 124 | ClarmonkGaming: TIFU by using absorbine(Basically icy hot for horses but 10x more powerful) somewhere very sensitive.
THIS HAPPENED TODAY!
First off all this is absorbine.
https://www.valuevalet.ca/absorbine-veterinary-liniment-475-ml-157309.html?gclid=CJevuc2ej8ACFQINaQodsjIAqA
It is basically icy hot but like 10x stronger you can only buy it in horse shops and you need to have horses to buy it.
Now for the story I was in the washroom because my thigh/ gooch was hurting so I decided to get out the absorbine because it is really strong and works fast. so I start applying it to my thigh and I look up because my light started flickered, and I noticed that I accidentally got it on my balls. Now absorbine is not like icy hot it docent get hot in 5 minutes it gets hot in like 5 seconds. so I immediately though well I am fucked! I closed my eyes and waited for the pain then sure enough 5 seconds later my balls felt like satin was holding a flamethrower made out of fire and ghost chili peppers under my balls I immediately ran around my house in pain screaming fuck(luckily I live alone) I did that for 10 minutes then I ran a ice cold shallow bath and soaked my balls for 10 minutes, the bath helped a bit but it still burnt like fucking hell. after that I iced it, now I am writing this post and am in extreme pain. Wish me luck!
UPDATE: After a couple hours copies amounts of ice and netflix(I was watching trailer park boys)I finally feel better.
UPDATE 2L I keep the absorbine in my washroom because my barn is really small. and also it was a accident
thegrayj: Satin with a flame thrower. A nice mix of smooth and hot.
thorium007: I really hope OP meant satin instead of Satan.
rob_var: me too if its that good I'm willing to try it
thorium007: Ya know.... that almost sounds interesting...
That said [nope!](http://i.imgur.com/C57UOio.jpg)
| 5 | 24.8 | |
1407899838 | 1407953282 | t3_2deh1r | t5_2to41 | 755 | ohmytvc15: TIFU by quoting Star Wars.
(Happened on Saturday)
Let me preface this by saying both my boyfriend (a 26 year old dude) and I (a 25 year old woman) absolutely adore Star Wars. The Leia/Han relationship happens to be one of his absolute favorite things about the series.
On Saturday night, we were in bed cuddling and kissing and just being overall kind of gross. After three months of dating, he decides to tell me he loves me for the first time.
What was my automatic response?
*"I know"*
I thought it would be cute and we'd laugh and kiss and then I'd say "I love you too".
Instead, it was more like:
".. w-what? is.. that.. is that really... it?".
My big, burly, bearded boyfriend looked like an adorable little puppy that I had just kicked. I felt like I could see his heart breaking.
Turns out, he was actually really nervous about saying it for the first time, as he doesn't really have much of a serious relationship history. I didn't even think about that when I decided to Han Solo him, especially since he's usually very confident and assertive. He was apparently so nervous, he had planned on saying it last month, but kind of freaked out and put it off until that night.
I felt fucking terrible.
I tried to quickly correct the situation with "STAR WARS, BABY. STAR WARS. I'M SORRY. SHIT. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou", but it took a few minutes for him to actually recover from his sad, kicked puppy reaction.
It's funny now, but it wasn't when I thought I had totally ruined my boyfriend.
TL;DR: My nerdy, very nervous boyfriend said "I love you" for the first time, and my knee jerk reaction is to Han Solo him. I felt like a scruffy-looking Nerf herder.
My_Empty_Wallet: Blowjob time
Agent_Michae1_Scarn: /u/My_Empty_Wallet is your boyfriend's virtual wingman
reren325: Or is /u/My_Empty_Wallet her boyfriend?
My_Empty_Wallet: No such luck
| 5 | 151 | |
1407900595 | 1407905488 | t3_2dej8l | t5_2to41 | 10 | trippinbawlls: TIFU by putting Nair on my dick.
Tonight I really fucked up. I had a date, had hairy pubes, decided to put nair on my dick because i didn't have time to shave tonight. My dick burns, my balls burn like hell. I tried dipping my balls in the sink but I can't stand the pain. Idk what to do
Forehead_Target: Dear lawd. I don't even have balls and mine just shrank into my body. Wouldn't Nair take longer than a shave? Not to mention smelling worse. I'd much rather get a mouthful of pubes than one sniff of Nair-burned balls.
Right, I should be helpful and not rub it in.
Rinse. Rinse again. Rinse some more. One more time. Then moisturize repeatedly. I'd use something like coconut oil or aloe, anything mild and scent free will be much better than anything scented. You're not going to be able to mask that stench anyway. Oh, just be warned, you will probably either have red, peeling skin or bumps and patches for at least a few days. I've only ever used the shit on my legs, but the burn went away before the bumps for me. It's gonna be ugly down there for awhile.
trippinbawlls: Fml
Forehead_Target: If you get blisters, use some sort of antibiotic cream/spray on them and see a doctor if you can. If you already have open skin, go to the ER if you can't get into a dr. quickly (or don't have insurance). They've seen it before, and stuff ten times worse, so don't let embarrassment stop you from getting treatment.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407901845 | 1407911767 | t3_2delij | t5_2to41 | 22 | stuieordie: TIFU by looking at porn on a friends grandmothers computer (NSFW)
Because I'm always fixing computers for my friends, one asked me if I wanted and old laptop that his grandmother was getting rid of. I accepted the offer and took it home with me. It sat unused for the weekend until I could find a charger that works. Tonight I decided I was going to install a new OS on it, but wanted to backup the Documents folder on it for his grandmother, just in case she wanted some of the stuff there. The computer ran like crap so I start shutting off services and killing processes and it starts running much smoother. So I fire up Google chrome and start backing up the documents to drive. It was taking a while to upload that much so I start browsing reddit. It started out normal, clicking through the front page for about a half hour. Then I see the newest victoria's secret commercial on TV and it the reddit searches get progressively more inappropriate. I was about 20 minutes in to /r/upskirt when it hit me. Chrome. Am I signed in? Nope. Grandma is signed in. Fuck. Abort. Don't care about Grandma's documents anymore just power down!
For about 20 minutes I was thinking that maybe Chrome doesn't sync history by default. I opened some new tabs on my phone, then checked my own laptop.. Yep. It does. Great.
I'm not really sure how often my friends Grandmother uses Chrome on her new computer or if she does at all, but when she finds her new search history I'm sure she be questioning the grandson.
stuieordie: TIFU even more by immediately installing a new OS after panicing thus not having the access to delete history any longer.
ON3i11: duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. You fucked up. Nice.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1407902574 | 1407925080 | t3_2demmi | t5_2to41 | 79 | [deleted]: TIFU by being lactose intolerant
This happened exactly 10 minutes ago, so I can share all the exact details.
My husband was asking for naughty time, so I said I would go upstairs and take a shower. Well while I was in the bathroom, I realized my period had started. Well I texted him and told him that we would be celebrating blow job week starting tonight. Of course he is excited, and I continue to take a shower.
After I get out, I decide I was horny and really wanted to cum despite being on my period. So I go and get my butt plug, just to warm up before my hubby comes upstairs. It slides in, no problem.
Hubby finally makes it upstairs, kicks the dog out of the room and we lay down towels. We start to make out, he pulls out my plug then we head to pound town! All is going good, we both finish and he goes to pull out. All I can hear is him coughing, and gagging some. I'm thinking maybe I farted or something, but no. He looks at me horrified, and tells me I need to go to the bathroom. I laugh, thinking he just blew a huge load into me.
I get to the bathroom, and start to use the toilet. He comes in, closes the door, and climbs in the shower. All I can see is his shit covered dick. Then I remembered...I had cheese pizza and have been shitting and farting all night. Luckily he is a trooper, and it didn't really gross him out. Gotta love him.
tl;dr: I had cheese pizza, and since I am lactose intolerant I shit on my husband's dick during anal.
Stay classy reddit!
[deleted]: You texted him.... from the shower? How utterly disgusting.
el_crunz: TIFU by getting my phone wet
WeaponsAsWords: I leaned out of the shower to text him. So it was never actually in the water.
5unbr0: TINFU (n for nearly) by leaning out of the shower to text and potentially slip and fall opening my head in the process which could have killed me or worse expelled.
WeaponsAsWords: But I did not. So luck was on my side for 2 seconds last night :)
| 6 | 13.166667 | |
1407902431 | 1407925463 | t3_2demd6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | ejz32983: TIFU by giving myself a 2nd degree burn with microwavable pizza
This one actually happened today!
So I decided to bring a microwavable french bread pizza to work for lunch today. I pop it in the microwave and wait the 3 minutes as directed. I then successfully remove said pizza from said microwave, and that's when it all went down. Literally.
As I'm walking back to my table where my wife (we work together) and friends are awaiting my return, I inexplicably drop my lunch. Now is when my cat-like reflexes, carefully honed by years of video games, kick in. I deftly lunge and CATCH my run-away FB Pizza before it has the chance to reach the floor!
First I think to myself "Yes!! I saved it! I won't starve!!" This is only a fleeting emotion as I quickly realize that the lava called "pizza sauce" and the molten plastic known as "cheese" are now stuck to my bare hand. I yowl as I bring the blazing pizza boat to the table and scrape the toppings back onto the naked french bread, then head to the nearest sink to wash my hand in cold water. Upon inspection my wife and friends determine I have minor burns on my palm, index finger, and middle finger. The burn on my middle finger was much more red than the others, though. This all happened around noon.
Cut to 6pm. I decided to cut the grass when I got home from work, which of course meant using my hands quite a bit, bumping it, etc. After I finished my chore, I inspected my poor finger. That is when the blister first made its appearance. I swear it wasn't there when I got home at 5pm! 9'o'clock rolls around and I notice the blister has gotten huge! It has since been drained.
I swear it's stories like this that make my friends call me a cartoon character. Thanks for reading! Proof of blisters (possibly NSFL): http://imgur.com/a/XtYQk
firewall666: Time to sue the pizza manufacturer and the maker of the microwave for no warning labels.
Malamutewhisperer: And his workplace for providing equipment without proper training or warning labels.
| 3 | 3 | |
1407903298 | 1407925335 | t3_2denod | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my virginity
Not my story, my friends story. A story that dates back to at least 2010-2011. Should he ever tell it, he would probably leave out a bunch of important minor details. I know the good stuff because he was my HS best friend, now that were older we grew apart and don't talk as much I thought I'd share with you guys..
I believe we were Seniors and my friend was a popular guy. A lot of girls were interested in him and I was the ugly comparison so I would always tell him "Why don't you just go with [Insert pretty girl name here]?" and he'd give me some long BS answer about love. Point is he was picky with his girls.
Fast forward, my friend falls in love with a black chick I had went to elementary school with. I was happy for em because I knew both of them and thought it would all be cool and kittens and shit. He starts telling me about sex with her and Im like "That's boss bro" and congratulating him, as all HS kids do.
Fast forward, He comes into class looking dead one day. I ask him whats up? and he tells me that he has to talk to me after the period is over. Im like "Aw man, here comes the 'I came' in her talk." The period is over and we walk to our locker and he still doesn't say anything, then we end up going late to our next class while no one is walking the halls he tells me "I think I have something." I looked at him surprised. At the time I couldn't puzzle it but.. he kept saying "It burns like hell when I pee" and "It looks swollen and .." blah blah blah. This goes on for a week and he goes to a clinic. The whole week he spends arguing with his GF about how he got it and that he must have gotten it from her, She was accusing him of cheating and saying that he was fucking someone else raw. In reality he wasn't, He narrated to me how he lost his virginity to her and went raw in her a few days prior. He spent the week at my house deciding what he was gonna do, looking for advice and asking me what he should do. Me being a good friend I tell him "Dump the lying bitch" and he doesn't do this. INSTEAD, He tells her that I was telling him to dump her. He agrees that he must of gotten it another way. He gets back with her. He had gonorrhea btw. I spent a good amount of my days avoiding any contact with him. Seeing as how he chose hoes over bros. I told him we had to split ways because I couldn't have him cramping my style and telling people BS.
tldr; my friend lost his virginity to a black girl and got the clap. Got back with her after fighting about who gave who an STD. Tried to marry her. But long story short. You cant save these hoes.
BrilliantTrash: Today you fucked up by being racist.
Malamutewhisperer: He's not racist...he's just painting a picture....in which the only ethnicity given is that of the black girl. Totally normal behavior....pre-1960.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407901543 | 1407909004 | t3_2del3b | t5_2to41 | 9 | king_texas: TIFU by getting my headlight fixed
TIFU by getting my headlight fixed. Actually, it was two weeks ago. I noticed that my headlight was out and needed it to get fixed as soon as possible because I have many things to do at night and its a pain in the ass to try and get rides from people. So the next day after noticing that it went out, I took it up to the local repair shop run by a nice guy who we'll call Marble, (because it sounds like he has fucking marbles in his mouth, you can't understand the poor bastard), Marble says he needs to take a peek at it and if I could leave the car up there at the shop for an hour or two he'll take care of it. I'm thinking "great! i'm gonna get my car back the same day, thats fantastic," I call a friend up and they get me and i leave.
Now let me tell you, there were some nefarious looking individuals working at this joint. Missing teeth, skull and dragon tats all over, they would yell, spit, cuss, and Im just some white kid from suburbia trying to get a headlight fixed!
Anyways what I didn't know about the employees is that amongst them was an homeless ex-felon, who was in the last month of his 5 year probation. You can probably tell where the story is going.
Something came up and I couldn't pick it up that day so I asked Marble if I could get it tomorrow, he said "lkjfbwehfa" which I think meant "no problem" but then again I don't speak his language.
I get a call from him the next day saying
"Yeah, huh your car isn't here king_texas"
"Oh, man well, did it get towed?"
"No, uh well theres this employee, and he is an ex-felon, he's only been on the job for 2 days, and I think he took off with your car,"
Now at this point i was dumbfounded. He goes on to inform me that he is a METH ADDICT. HOLY SHIT A METH ADDICT STOLE MY CAR.
"On the bright side," he says," we got tat headlight fixed"
He was caught by the police in my car NAKED, and HIGH ON METH. Not only that there was EVIDENCE OF PROSTITUTES IN THE CAR. (condoms n such). Right now my car, Mila, is getting sanitized from hood to wheel by guys in biohazard suits. Also the car was beat all to hell.
I should get her back in 3 weeks. He's going back to jail for a variety of felonies.
StPatsLCA: damn son. what do you drive where you need to take your headlight in to get it fixed?
king_texas: it wasn't the bulb, it was on the inside.
| 3 | 3 | |
1407899991 | 1407967127 | t3_2deh9c | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing off the CEO of a fortune 500 company.
This happened about a year ago, and it still hurts to talk about.
I go to a college where all students are required to have a co-op position. I was lucky to get a position at a favorable fortune 500 company that I wanted to work for.
About three weeks in my internship, the CEO was coming to our plant (which was recently acquired by the company) to give a little speech. I was pretty excited, as I was able to get some time with the CEO and my boss to talk a little bit about the program I was in. This was planned for the afternoon.
So in the morning, I was doing some work out on the production floor as usual. I am an engineering student, so I was troubleshooting one of the machines that wasn't meeting production recently. This task was handed off to me by a full time employee who said it was urgent, bu t she did not have time to address it today.To properly adjust the settings on the machine while troubleshooting, I had to bypass the safety mechanism. The safety mechanism is very similar to a lock and key. The key is attached to the door and the lock is attached to the doorframe, so that when the door opens, the lock and key disconnect. This acts as an emergency stop and cuts the power and air to the machine completely. This can be bypassed by using a dummy key on the lock, to trick it into thinking the door is closed.
For those of you that don't know, this is a big... BIG... BIG no-no. The reason being, is that by bypassing the safety guard, I am in a potentially dangerous area, and no body wants to deal with the consequences. Safety is a number one priority at my, and many other plants, but there was unfortunately no way around it in this situation.
So I was minding my business, only behind the guarding when the machine was on, but the air was off (so there were less potential threats) as I'm doing this, the CEO must have walked by on his tour. A few minutes later, my boss pulls me out, explains to me what has happened. The CEO and some of the other executives saw me placing the dummy key in the machine, and they were not happy to see an employee breaking a key rule. He asked me to take the rest of the off, and because of that, I missed both the presentation and a near 1 on 1 meeting with the CEO.
To this day, I feel it is one of the coolest opportunities I've had in my life that just got shut out with a simple mistake.
tl;dr Broke safety rule at work while CEO was around, missed chance to meet said CEO
EDIT: A lot of people are wondering about the catch 22 that occurs from not being able to adjust the machine without opening the safety guard, but the guarding is against the rules to go past....
These machines came over from England about a month ago from a company we bought out, so a lot of the machines are not up to my current companies safety standards. While it was (and still is) an on going process to fix the potential issues on the machines, I just happened to be the one that got the flag raised.
xzt123: Man... were you not trained properly on Lockout Tagout? I co-op'd as an engineer at a factory and the first 1-2 weeks were all safety videos. If you are in the moving path of a machine or in harms way.. the machine has to be completely de-energized with locks and all the keys to those locks thrown in a box that everyone who's working on has put a personal lock on.
If you weren't taught this, then you should go tell the CEO you weren't trained on it and you should have been. If you were, then you're lucky you only missed 1 day and weren't fired on the spot. No one will know you missed an opportunity to meet the CEO, at least you can still have the work experience on your resume. At least you didn't get hurt bypassing safety devices.
MarkIsntWorkingNow: Realistically, how's he going to go tell the CEO anything? He'd have to get through at least 3 different people to get a message to the CEO of a fortune 500. And I doubt his manager would ever let that happen if he knew he'd take the blame for the training screw-up.
xzt123: Well, I'm not really suggesting he e-mail the CEO. I was only suggesting it if they didn't give him proper safety training. My guess is they did give him the safety training and he ignored it and he's lucky he still has his job. But, e-mail would sometimes work.. if not him it would go to his team responsible for handling the e-mail.
MarkIsntWorkingNow: I just sat here thinking, what are the odds a kid on an internship gets anywhere near the CEO?
It's not surprising he still has a job, he's free or very underpaid labor, and they don't want to ruin their relationship with the university for future free/underpaid labor/entry level candidates. Should be a solid scolding from his boss though :D
lubus: CEOs are not rare to see if you are in an office, i see ours whenever hes in. Internship at fortune 500 company.
MarkIsntWorkingNow: If you're working at corporate headquarters maybe, but out in the middle of nowhere the CEO might show up once every few years and walk through quickly if you're lucky.
kongburrito: This is the case for our plant. The welder that I was adjusting had it's settings right beyond the safety door, by opening it, I was in no way in immediate danger. The door now has a small opening in the plexiglass so the buttons on the welder can be pressed (you dont have to reach through the guarding, as the buttons are right on the other side)
| 8 | 8.75 | |
1407908280 | 1408068863 | t3_2deue5 | t5_2to41 | 43 | brtlblayk: TIFU by giving fashion advice to my girlfriend.
Probably not the worst offense on TIFU, but probably the worst offense I could do in my relationship thus far.
Today I went with my girlfriend to a store to get some bras with my girlfriend, and typically she takes my fashion advice pretty well. Along with buying a few bras, she also bought jeans and these weird cottony-spandexy fabric pants where the legs are tight but the crotch is like loose and low and just really weird to me.
I had been ribbing her about the pants all night and just making offhanded remarks about how ridiculous they looked. When she was about to leave my apartment in them I stopped her at the door to ask her if she was really going out like that and that it was in her best interest to maybe change. It hadn't dawned on me that maybe that was too far, until she took my advice on changing and had started crying.
I admit I've been in a pretty upset mood lately from going to a party her roommate threw and some things her parents said, and I shouldn't have taken it out on her. She is the light of my life, the stability I need in rough waters. It's my duty as a boyfriend to build her up; make her feel like she's the most beautiful person I've ever met, whether she wears cool pants, hot pants, weird pants, or no pants. I did the complete opposite. She forgave me, and I know she loves me, but the fact is that I hurt her and that hurts me more than anything in this world.
She says she's going to take them back and as much as I wanted that, I don't want her feeling like she can't have what she wants just because some douchebag says he doesn't like something she has. Does anybody have advice on what I should do to make it up to her?
I think this would have been easier if she would have just gotten mad at me... not sad at me.
TL;DR- I probably should have put this on /r/offmychest
CocaineBasedSpiders: Are... are you me?
brtlblayk: I think I'm me, but I could be you, as well?
CocaineBasedSpiders: From the exact fuck up of this situation, (which I have mimicked almost exactly with a close friend and bad makeup) to the way you respond to everything, i'm beginning to consider this as a distinct possibility.
brtlblayk: Wait what are you doing at this exact moment! I need to know to be sure you aren't me!
CocaineBasedSpiders: I'm... I'm browsing reddit talking to someone who might be me!
brtlblayk: Oh shit! Confirmed! You're me. I'm you! You're one damn good looking dude, by the way.
CocaineBasedSpiders: I *am* one damn good looking dude. We should be proud, me.
brtlblayk: We ARE proud of me.
CocaineBasedSpiders: We should make sure to mention this to everyone at every party, we finally have proof that we're attractive! We told me so!
| 10 | 4.3 | |
1407909796 | 1407948692 | t3_2dew5o | t5_2to41 | 1,118 | kkZZ8: TIFU by blasting hardcore porn throughout my house for my whole family to hear (NSFW)
So for my birthday my parents got me a new sound system speaker for my bedroom. My house is a fairly small, ranch style, with my room located almost right in the center of my home. Whenever I'm using my speaker the whole house pretty much knows exactly what I'm playing lyric for lyric. I recently just figured out how to play my music from phone through my speaker via bluetooth, here's where I fucked up.
I was about to take a shower after a long day at work, everyone in my family is at home preparing for dinner. I turn on the shower and decide "maybe I'll rub one out really fast before I jump in". I take out my phone and pull up my favorite porn website. Trying to be fast I click on one of the first videos I see without reading the title or anything. I pressed play on the video and made sure the volume wasn't too loud for anyone to hear, but no sound was coming from my phone. I start to worry that I broke my phone some how throughout the day, so I keep messing around with the volume and fast forwarding through various parts of the movie hoping it was just a weird video issue. Nothing is working. I decide that I wasn't going to take a shower and in was going to hurry to the apple store to see what's wrong with my phone before it closed for the night. I let the video play as I wash my face and brush my teeth, not thinking anything of it. I walkout of my bathroom and I hear moaning and screaming from my bedroom almost as soon as I step out. I quickly realize that I didn't turn off my Bluetooth and my phone automatically synced up to my speaker. I grab my phone from my pocket and I see a video of a girl squirting as she's getting fucked hard. I'm not sure what it is but girls squirting videos but they are much louder then girls normally are in porn, I mean she was literally screaming at the top of her lungs and yelling out every sexual profanity. My mind was going a mile minute I was torn between turning down the volume and just closing out of the video. I finally end up closing out of the video.
I walk past my dining room to get to my bedroom and I glance over to see my family is all seated at the dinner table. I hear my sister dying of laughter and my mom yelling at her under her breathe telling her to shut up. I havnt left my room since, my family probably thinks I'm into some hardcore freaky sexual porn, I guess this will all blow over after a few awkward days. Ugh, on the bright side my phone isn't broke.
TLDR: I blasted hardcore porn through out my house via Bluetooth from my phone to my new speaker system. My whole family heard and probably thinks I'm into some kinky shit.
EDIT 1: Wow guys, this has really taken off! Thanks for making light of this situation and making me laugh! My family currently is all working and I have the house to myself for most of the day, thank god! But I didn't get it that easy my sister keeps texting me lines from the porno through out the day, she's a sick sick sick girl. I'm currently plotting out my revenge on her :)!
EDIT 2: I didn't realize this was such a common issue with the Bluetooth blasting porn for everyone to hear! I think I'm gonna write a petition in hopes that every Bluetooth enable speaker has to have a warning on the box. Everyone here has to sign it ;). WARNING: Before getting off turn your Bluetooth off!
[deleted]: so this is like the 10th time ive read this story. a little different each time but i guess people never think that the phone they took the time to connect to speakers would still be connected.
if i set my ipod up to speakers, the first thing i would worry about is porn being super loud.
Wildheit12: the more i read this subreddit the more i get the impression that many people cant masturbate without fucking up :-D
Lojak_Yrqbam: Obviously we don't hear about he non fuck ups. It's called TIFU not TIDFI
HopelessSemantic: /r/TodayIMasturbatedSuccessfully
DtrollMC: TIMS
HopelessSemantic: Yes.
rgb003: Can I apply to be an admin? In 23 years I've never been caught.
Octopus_Tetris: Dude , they all know
Ikestar: no, they *suspect*. They know nothing.
crossanlogan: they know. they can smell his cum.
Ikestar: if he's anything like me it smells like roses and pixie farts.
| 12 | 93.166667 | |
1407854254 | 1408034738 | t3_2dc6bx | t5_2to41 | 6 | runnyyyy: TIFU by eating too much
First of all I'm an average man, I'm not skinny and I'm not fat. Like a lot of people I make smoothies sometimes for lunch, and I use frozen fruit for this. I had a tiny bit left of the 2 different bags I have, so I thought I might as well finish it since it probably wasn't even enough for another one.
When I make them I feel full, what I make is close to 1L, so this time I had about 1,3L, I felt full but had 1 glass worth of smoothie left, so I decided that I might as well finish it. I chugged it and then my stomach started to instantly hurt, so I ran to the bathroom and threw up. This is probably the biggest 1st world problem I've had in my life. (sorry this wasn't sex related)
TL;DR I ate too much smoothie and threw up.
BeardedGiant: The real question here is, do you eat or drink a smoothie?
runnyyyy: when it's really really thick, you eat it
| 3 | 2 | |
1407913170 | 1407933469 | t3_2dezvk | t5_2to41 | 18 | 1rope2short: TIFU by masturbating to DD cup porn stars behind my girlfriend's back
Obvious throwaway account, since my girlfriend and I frequent on here a lot together.
About 10 or so hours ago my girlfriend told me she was working late. I was at school but decided to rush home to maximize the opportunity and masturbate, since we hadn't had sex in a few days.
I got home, threw on some of my favourite big titty porn, and masturbated all over my stomach. I wiped it off, flushed the evidence down the toilet, and then went to Popeyes for a chicken meal.
I came home, only to see my girlfriend home early. She surprised me with a sailor outfit, and we proceeded to have intercourse before I could even eat the biscuit that came with my meal.
We had sex, and then she begged me to finish on my stomach because she likes to see me shoot my load. I obliged, not thinking anything of it. I shot about 4 ropes of cum on my stomach, and she suspected something was up. Sitting there naked, with her A cup titties trying to hang from gravity, she actually questioned why I was "1rope2short" of normal, and accused me of cheating on her.
I tried to explain to her that I masturbated before she got home because I had a night off to myself, or so I thought, but she didn't believe me.
I have subsequently been kicked out of the house and am currently in a tent in my backyard - thankfully I left the tent in the shed for the summer and brought my Popeyes meal out as well (too bad it is cold now).
I am thinking of just admitting I cheated with an ugly woman or a guy, just so that I can sleep in my bed tonight. If I tell her I was masturbating to women with DD cups she will probably hate me more than if I cheated.
Life really throws some curve-balls at you.
Maschinenzimmer30: I... Fuck it.
Abivile93: Its just not worth it.
PerturbedPelican: I can't even
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1407905299 | 1407920860 | t3_2deqiv | t5_2to41 | 76 | [deleted]: TIFU my flights
Background - I live in the Philippines, so this isn't as bad as it could have been.
So I've been on holiday in Japan with a few friends. Because of our varying schedules, we were all leaving at different times. I was leaving on Tuesday. Being a clever boy, I figured I'd check in to my flight on line 24 hours in advance.
"Sorry, web check in has closed - web check in is open from 4 days to 4 hours in advance of the flight" - errrrrrr ok.
A quick re scan revealed that I was not leaving on Tuesday, but on Monday - 2 hours from now. "Shit shit shit" - my friend helpfully took a photo and uploaded it to facebook. It got around 30 likes, so everyone at home knows what a tool I am. I'm at least an hour from the airport. I've only got hand luggage, so maybe I can make it.
I slam pack my bag and rush to the airport, dropping my wallet in the subway. Luckily it was handed in (Japanese people seem to be very honest!) and I was able to retrieve it without missing the train , but another unneeded fuck up.
I get to the airport and sprint to the check in counter, breaking one of my cardinal rules to never get flustered. The flight leaves in 35 minutes, and I'm not checked in. It doesn't look good. I flash my best sweaty smile at the girl behind the desk. She's packing up her computer - literally putting it in the bag. No way jose. Not being a douchebag and realising I'm in the wrong for being a fuck up I accept defeat after a few more smiles. Maybe I can get another flight.
"No more flights today - try another (more expensive) carrier".
I need to be back in Manila on Monday or Tuesday because I am returning home to Europe on Thursday.
Philippine Airlines have a flight this afternoon - great - I'll book that. Curiously, it was cheaper to fly today (Monday) rather than tomorrow (Tuesday). It'll cost a bit, but it'll get me back in time. There are two flights in fact, one from the airport I'm in (Narita) in 5 hours and another one from Haneda airport on the other side of Tokyo in 3 hours. They're the same price, so I'll get the one from Narita and chill here for a few hours, feeling silly.
I move the last remnants of my money around online so I can pay the $350 for it and punch in my details to the Philippine Airlines website.
"Thank you for booking the flight from HANEDA airport".
FUCK!
I sprint to the Philippine Airlines counter and try to get them to switch from Haneda to Narita. No dice. Get on the bus. Another $30 down the drain.
When it rains, it pours.
TLDR: Japan is expensive, especially if you're an idiot.
deus_pater: Several years ago I fucked up by showing up for my flight out of Berlin (to Heathrow, where I'd connect with a flight back home to the US) three days late. I ended up booking a flight that left the next morning for London Stansted, negotiating a tightly timed bus trip from Stansted to Heathrow, and catching my original connecting flight.
Germany and England are also expensive if you're an idiot.
pm_me_for_happiness: life is generally expensive if you're an idiot
| 3 | 25.333333 | |
1407915065 | 1407942281 | t3_2df1uk | t5_2to41 | 87 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex at my grandparents house NSFW
So me and my girlfriend both still live with our parents, and have been too busy with school and work and hadn't seen each other in a while. We are both pretty horny and want to have sex as soon as possible. The problem is both hers and mine houses were filled with people, so no luck there. After a while we decided my grandparents house would be fine as they have a spare bedroom and take a lot of naps, figured we could do it while they nap. So we go over there and proceed to show each other just how much we missed them.
After a bit we could hear people walking around outside the door, we assumed that my grandparents were just going to sleep. Gf then decided to give me a bj so she goes down. We were positioned so that I was facing the door. All of a sudden the door swung wide open to see my grandfather standing there, saying there was money on the counter for me. Now our eyes made contact for a full five seconds, meanwhile my gf just kept on sucking as she didn't hear anything properly. My grandfather simply closed the door and walked away.
After that we immediately stopped, put our clothes on and decided we should leave the house. Problem was the only way we could escape was through the front door, which he sits next to. After a minute or so we could hear my grandparents talking about how the room is probably going to smell and how they don't want to have to clean the sheets. We briskly walked out trying to avoid eye contact. As we left they asked if we would stay for tea but we kind of just mumbled really loudly and left.
Tl;dr: Had sex at my grandparents, got caught mid-blowjob by grandfather.
[deleted]: I lost it at the mention of having to clean the sheets because that would be my grandparents' first concern as well
pixiepants_: Came to make the same comment!
gazzehcoys: Damnit, hope I don't have to clean your sheets!
| 4 | 21.75 | |
1407915957 | 1407919348 | t3_2df2qg | t5_2to41 | 5 | TouchyJoFeely: TIFU by Breaking a mirror during sex..
Literally just happened.. Having a merry old time with a casual partner of mine.. Just moved into my new place, thought it would be a wise idea to situate a 4 ft long, 1 ft wide mirror by my bed.. Yeah.. Now, we're both covered in glass.. pic to follow.. Ps. No more mirrors in my room.. But rough sex is still pretty righteous..
[deleted]: Ouch, ouch, ouch.
The real question here is... *did you keep going?*
TouchyJoFeely: After posting this, having a smoke and sweeping glass off of my bed.. Just finished.. Not proud of it.. But kind of proud of it...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407908241 | 1407935571 | t3_2deuc7 | t5_2to41 | 35 | cyxx1cyxx: TIFU by picking up the cheque
Today was my mom's birthday, and my fiancée and her family go to take her out for lunch. We go to a great restaurant and have a lovely meal. My dad asks if we want to get a drink, and of course we agreed. I said I would take care of it, and go to the bar. I pick out a scotch and order 3 shots. We take it back and the three of us (myself, dad and future father in law) shoot it. I said I would take my parents' and my fiancée'a bill.
The bill came to almost $300! Turns out that I misheard the bartender. I thought she had said "$19", when she actually said "$90". Balvenie 30 year. The food only came to $100. Dammit...
todayonjeremykyle: TYFU by not savouring and enjoying 30 year old scotch!
cyxx1cyxx: Yeah that sounds like a much better title haha
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1407918593 | 1407966403 | t3_2df54i | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my boyfriend about my semi-depression and suicidal thoughts
I was feeling really sad today--an accumulation of my parents possibly splitting after 25 years of marriage and self-esteem issues. I wanted to talk to someone, something I hardly do because I hate opening up to people. I decided to tell my boyfriend everything: I used to practice self-harming behaviors, I hate myself, etc.. and then he asked "this is serious, have you ever thought about suicide?" And I paused and said "yes, every day, but I wouldn't act on the feelings for my siblings' sake."
We're kinda LDR right now until I move back to our college town. He usually texts me good night, and he didn't. I was kind of hoping he would even just text me "I love you, everything's going to be alright" but nothing. So now I'm worried that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I can't help but try to sleep and wait for him to contact me in the morning. :(
[deleted]: It's really sad to see you blaming yourself for being honest about your emotional state; it's not your job to present a certain facade or get ignored... It's his job to listen and get to know you, troubles and all. Maybe it was a lot for him to digest, but the fact that he just straight-up ignored you after suggests a real immaturity on his part. I'm not saying he's malevolent, just immature, because it is ALWAYS better to talk about these things than bottle them. You need a partner who respects your needs.
AdamDaze: Actually no, no its not. I can be introverted sometimes and I've rather enjoyed when someone's there if I need them, but not in my grill if I don't.
[deleted]: I know what you mean, but I still think it's important to talk about feeling depressive and suicidal, the isolation can turn dangerous
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1407919633 | 1407950799 | t3_2df63h | t5_2to41 | 522 | [deleted]: TIFU By pistol whipping a drug dealer
A little background on the situation. My mother left when I was 15 and my brother was 5. She was a meth head. My brother doesn't remember enough so he doesn't really know about her.
Fast forward to yesterday. He lives with my dad. My wife and I live across town. He's 17 now. My dad is an engineer and works long hours and is out of town often. My wife is gone on vacation this week so I'm home alone. I decide to head over to my dad's and chill with the broham for a while. I pull up to his house and notice a different car in the drive. I just assume it's a friend. So I let myself in the door. Right there in the living room coffee the dealer has a fucking scale, some crank, also a few small bags of coke. I ask my brother what the fuck is going on? The dealer turns around and steps to me. He then proceeds to tell me I need to get lost. Well I deck that mother fucker. Drop him like a sack of potatoes. He gets up and reaches for what I assume was a gun in his waist band. Nope. I unholster my XD .40 and pistol whip the shit out of him. I draw on him and tell him to get the fuck out before I call the cops or kill him. Now my brother is passed and thinks they are gonna hurt him. Doesn't matter. His ass is going straight to rehab.
[deleted]: LET'S TALK ABOUT REAL LIFE. You have gotten a thousand "attaboys" here from children raised on hollywood movies.
Here is a comment from somebody who has seen life. Yes, you are right, you did fuck up.
In this episode you came out on top. Life does not end like a half hour TV show. You have physically hurt and humiliated someone who will never forget it. He is not going to have a hollywood training montage to get strength and skill for the day he confronts you face to face. He is going to bide his time to get even. He will do that like a coward, by putting a bullet in your back, or setting your father's house on fire, or emptying his clip into your father's house as a drive by every Saturday night.
You have made an enemy and put your brother and your father and yourself at risk.
It would have been better if he had not survived the beating. It would have been best if you would not have gone all Dirty Harry on him in the first place.
TLDR: You cannot put the worms back in the can.
ahawkeyes: So true, the dealer has nothing to lose, sounds like the OP does.
everyonegrababroom: The dealer has plenty to lose, he didn't beat up a homeless junkie he beat up a business man with a gun.
ahawkeyes: The OP has a career and a family he obviously cares about. To the knowedge presented in this post. The dealer does not. The dealer's life is already in the tiolet so not much room to fall. The OP does.
everyonegrababroom: >The dealer does not.
You're just making this up.
>The dealer's life is already in the tiolet so not much room to fall.
Also *also* just making this up. Being a drug dealer doesn't automatically mean his life is in the toilet-there are very successful drug dealers.
ahawkeyes: Maybe if we were only measuring financial success as success. Plus I do know as he (the dealer) was willing to threaten and perhaps shoot someone over a 5 second argument.
everyonegrababroom: > Plus I do know as he (the dealer) was willing to threaten and perhaps shoot someone over a 5 second argument.
Based on what the OP says was purely an assumption. So you know the OP assumed something, so you know you shouldn't count it as first hand knowledge of anyone's intent.
ahawkeyes: Yes, but I beleieve that baseing an asumption on some evidence is better than none.
everyonegrababroom: You're basing evidence on an assumption, not the other way around. Not only that, it's someone *else's* assumption.
ahawkeyes: I'm basing that on the OP assumtion, which is the only evidence we have as to the specifics of the situation and upon the mean behavior of drug dealers. You could be very correct that this paricular drug dealer is actaully a practicing oncologist with a full family life, 401k, productive children, and volenteers at the soup kitchen every sunday. However, this goes against the average behavior that drug dealers exhibit and therefore it is indeed more correct based upon the behavioral and statstical evidence to assume that he has less to lose than a the OP who we know has some family/carrer aspiration/success. We could argue all day that he may indeed by the exception but without further evidence one must assume what is more likely.
everyonegrababroom: The only evidence of anything is that the guy is a drug dealer. That says remarkably little about someone, and isn't much at all to go on when discussing his assets.
Every dealer I've ever met is wealthier than me, successful in their business and usually other unrelated (perhaps legitimate) businesses, and I have never seen them once commit an act of violence. Not every dealer is the crack-house, Hollywood variety. Too many wealthy people do drugs for this to be the case.
ahawkeyes: That's true in some instances, but this one did (attempt to according to the OP) commit an act of violence.
everyonegrababroom: Standing up and getting pistol whipped isn't much of an act of violence, if the police did get involved there'd be a good chance OP would end up getting charged if the other guy didn't end up having a weapon or was carrying legally.
Edit: not to even mention the guy didn't even go for an alleged weapon until the OP popped him in the face.
| 14 | 37.285714 | |
1407908991 | 1407950686 | t3_2dev7a | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving the door open.
I was outside doing some yard work today and went inside to grab a quick drink. As I go inside I leave the door open. This would prove to be my fatal error. I grabbed my drink and as I'm about to walk out the door, a terrifying, flying, devil from hell (aka a wasp) zips right past me into the house. While screaming like a little girl I close the door as hard as I can before I realize that I'm now trapped with this beast. I ran as fast as I can with my drink and hide in my room. I've been trapped in here since and finished my drink long ago. I think I heard a buzz. I'm scared. Help me.
Donkster: Dude...it's a wasp. Not a giant bear. Grab some newspaper and go for a hunt!
TypeZ_Sonic: Don't be a pussy dude. Walk out and hunt that fucking wasp down. Kill it with glory.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407923316 | 1407934300 | t3_2df9hb | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by stretching my ears before a flight.
Reddit, I am mortified. And so is this poor old lady.
Let's start from the beginning..
I was on vacation in my hometown to visit some friends of whom I haven't seen in over a year. We're really not the smartest group, and today really proved that.
I was at a 0g for a long time and really wanted to upsize, so my friend offered to stretch my ears for me (because I'm a wimp and can't do it myself). A couple of shots later, here we are, drunk in the bathroom and about to shove a taper through my ear.
-Let me pause here and just say that there was no lube involved. No vaseline. No oils. We went in dry.
So anyway, on the count of three she shoved it through and I let out the most blood curtailing scream. My ear was bleeding and swollen, but no blowout. So we proceed with the second lobe.
It was only after that we realized we didn't have those stoppers ('o rings') to put on the ends of the taper. I never realized how important they actually are until now.
Fast forward to today.
I was on the plane next to this sweet old lady while my ears continued to swell and just throb in pain. All was fine, and we were having a small conversation. And then we took off.
I guess the change in pressure of the takeoff plus the pressure in my lobe somehow cause the taper to fly out of my ear and onto this poor, sweet old lady's lap. I sat there in disbelief and ever so awkwardly picked up the taper full of blood and pus from her leg and slowly put it into my bag.
At this time, my ear was bleeding and I could tell it took some serious will power for her to not look, or say anything.
Safe to say, the rest of the flight was pretty quiet.
TL; DR I dry stretched my ears the day before my flight, only to have my ear eat shit and send the taper flying into an old lady's lap.
Also sorry for the bad story telling. It's 4:00am and I'm on mobile.
-5m: wtf is ear stretching?
Voyager5555: It's the process of stretching out from, say a normal earring hole size, to larger and larger holes. Also, idiots shouldn't perform body modifications on themselves or their friends.
| 3 | 7 | |
1407921096 | 1407969110 | t3_2df7h8 | t5_2to41 | 485 | catandblanket: TIFU by missing the postman
Okay, so like almost every other post, this wasn't actually today. It was yesterday. But, I'm still as mortified as I was then... but fuck it, this isn't even a throwaway account.
So for anyone who doesn't know, a Diva Cup is a kind of new-ish product that is used for when you're on your period. It's a little silicone cup that gets all up in your business and collects the menstrual fluid which you then wash out to re-use again. Good for the environment, and good because there's no chance of dying from bacteria on tampons. Win win.
Anyways, after reading about this product I ordered one pretty quickly on Amazon, and it was SUPPOSED to have arrived today. Well, as it turns out, it came a day early - when I wasn't there to receive it from the postman. Normally in this sort of circumstance, the postman just gives whatever we weren't able to receive to our next door neighbours to hold onto until we can pick it up from them ourselves.
And this is where the fuckery begins.
Basically, I was very hungover yesterday, and wasn't up until about noon. It was only then I saw the receipt at my door saying that the parcel had been given to my neighbours at 9.30am. Didn't seem like a big deal, so I got dressed and went over to see if anyone was home to collect it.
When I knocked on the door, it opened to reveal the middle-aged mother of two who as far as I knew, seemed very pleasant and friendly (I'm British - so it's taken us about a year to reach the stage of exchanging "hello" whenever we pass each other). I noticed when I saw her that she seemed kind of uncomfortable, and I knew instantly that something must have gone wrong with the parcel.
She handed me, not the parcel, but the actual package of my Diva Cup, apologizing profusely.
As it turned out, it was her 12 year old daughter's birthday today. Her daughter apparently always receives an Amazon package in the post from her aunt on her birthday, because her aunt lives all the way down in England, so it's just kind of what they've always done to make sure she gets a gift from her.
Well, that morning, the kid had raced to the door for her parcel, seen the one from Amazon and immediately tore it open to reveal my menstrual cup.
I mean, in my opinion, the kid must have been sheltered or something, because apparently when she realised what it was, she became totally horrified and broke down crying. Her mum found her with the cup wailing that she didn't want to use it and that it "looked scary". Angry phone calls were exchanged between mother and aunt while this kid was losing her shit over why she had to have a period bucket for her twelfth birthday.
Eventually, they worked out that the true recipient of such a horrendous contraption, was the now apparently weirdo hippie neighbour, who orders cups to put in her toot-toot.
All I could do was stand there, a horrified smile plastered on my face as I screamed internally, listening to this woman's tale on her doorstep. It was excruciating to listen to this face to face with her, and I swear by that point I was beetroot red.
Then of course came the "oh please, don't worry about it, sorry I traumatized your young daughter" and of course "don't fuck with my post again".
That last one was made up, but you get the picture. I am now uncomfortably aware that my neighbors are now familiar with my sanitary hygiene rituals, and haven't been able to look them in the eye since.
**Tldr; ruined some twelve year old's birthday because she thought her aunt gave her a vagina cup.**
B-rye8888: ITT, people judging and yelling about a 12 year old girl who was excited about her birthday and opened a package without reading the label.
AnoK760: i dont think they're judging her as much as saying she and her mother have no reason to be upset with OP since the daughter fucked up by opening a package that wasn't hers and the mom is just over-reacting about the "obscene" product (which it isn't)
str8slash12: Nowhere in the story is the mother angry at OP. In fact, the mother was embarrassed and apologized profusely.
AnoK760: ah i didnt notice that one part. then everyones just agreeing that a 12 year old should be able to handle something like a cup... it doesnt even sound like it even *looks* like something that could traumatize a child.
d_nice666: Just looked up a picture of the Diva Cup, it doesn't look like a normal cup...
AnoK760: it doesnt quite look like anything necessarily *bad* though. its like a funnel.
| 7 | 69.285714 | |
1407926110 | 1407934027 | t3_2dfc2b | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by completely remaining silent during a riot at a buddy's wedding
JAWheat411: It must be late, I am totally confused.
Voyager5555: It must be late, OP appears insane.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407927156 | 1407941414 | t3_2dfd1e | t5_2to41 | 6 | unown_47: TIFU by leading a potentially dangerous man into my mangers office
To start,This happened today and I just started working at small pizza joint two weeks ago, with upstairs seating, where the managers office is.
This guy walks in while im slapping out pizza dough and signals me to the back, he steps pretty close to me, almost behind the pizza line, and mentions "he just got out of jail" and asks "if could hook him up with a slice of pizza", by nature I told him "I couldn't help him out as I am on camera and the bartender has the slices to sell", he proceeds, "is there an owner or manager?", so i told him the manager was upstairs and he'll have to knock to let the manager know he was there(the managers door was open), so he just waltz upstairs and into the office, by this time the bartender and waitress noticed him walking into the managers office...
Come to find out, the guy just walked in and got really close to the managers desk while the manager was counting money(that part i didnt know 'til later) to ask for some pizza, a job, or something. Im not sure what happened after that and the guy left with no problems, but the manager seemed kind of stirred up about it and told me what happened when he walked in. I apologized to the manager for leading him into the office and he said it was "all good". Next time ill know to just call the manager down instead of letting strange characters know where to go.
Just had to get this off my chest, as i felt bad for this occurrence.
TL;DR: I told a recently released Ex-Con where where my manager was while the manager was counting money, so he could ask the manager for a free slice of pizza.
Edit: Formatting
deathproof99: That dude seems creepy....what if he gets a job with you
unown_47: Yea it was like 10pm when it happened, I think the manger just played off thinking about giving him a job with no intention of hiring him though. He was kinda creepy. Fingers crossed lol.
AstralHippies: Sometimes weirdos are the most fun people to know, don't judge people so harshly on first impression.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407925208 | 1407929075 | t3_2dfb5r | t5_2to41 | 19 | souporgirl: Tifu by drinking
I was home alone and decided to relax with a couple of drinks. I ordered pizza online and was pretty buzzed.
The girl who delivered it had neon green hair. Drunk me instinctively asked 'did St. Patty's day come early?'
She was not happy and the rest of the delivery was pretty awkward.
hitlerdidnoevil: On the bright side, she probably knew that you were drunk and forgot about you within a couple of hours.
Atrionx: Or she will remember it until the end of her life. Always thinking about that one delivery where someone tried to be funny.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1407926256 | 1407938032 | t3_2dfc7n | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By being a socially inept woman and talking about masturbation without a verbal filter
Eat_The_Muffin: Why would you listen to people on the internet?
We could just be bots programmed to say random insults
Or just stupid people
VOIPSupport: What's the difference?
Eat_The_Muffin: Bots don't enjoy their work
| 4 | 1 | |
1407926831 | 1407964029 | t3_2dfcqd | t5_2to41 | 150 | nemka: TIFU by not logging into Reddit enough
I logged on to Reddit after about a year, I just mainly lurk, and Until a couple of months ago I was working in an environment which was heavily security focused and therefore had no access. I logged on today and saw that for the first time ever I HAD GOLD..... which had expired so very long ago that it was like I may as well have never had it at all.
Heed my warning, log on to reddit!
edit: RE questions about what gold is, I don't rightly know but it's nice to have and uh....it's shiny!
EDIT: GOLD!!!! THANK YOU!!!! Also I did not realise you had to pay for it, sorry, but thank you, but sorry!
FredLives: New to reddit. What the big deal about gold? Any perks?
LockeNCole: Nothing we can talk about.
FredLives: Reason I ask is cause I got some the other day. Use mobile app and don't see anything about it on here
LockeNCole: There's the lounge. And you don't have ads. Also, if someone uses your username, you get notified.
FredLives: Oh ok so really no big deal then
PsychoticWhispers: Giving it does support Reddit, though.
FredLives: Would be nice to get something out of it. Many sites make tons of money thru advertising, am sure reddit has more money than I do
One would think you'd get some karma at the very least
| 8 | 18.75 | |
1407927047 | 1407932197 | t3_2dfcxt | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on a walk
Yesterday. I was arguing with my parents for some time today, as any other teenager would. My mom got pissed off and told me to just leave the house. Absolutely zero fucks given. Grabbed my phone and like 20 bucks. I'm 18. I don't have a car. Walked a few miles and went to get a bite to eat. About an hour and a half went by, no calls or text. Walked a couple more miles, nowhere in particular. Just wanted to get away. Got late, tired, phone battery low. It was like 12 am, so I turned off my phone while I slept. Wake up, turn on phone. 7 am, ton of messages and missed calls from family. Family thinks I died or went missing. Call them right away. They called cops thinking I ran away or something. Walked home.
TLDR; Parents told me to leave, went on a walk, parents call cops thinking I died or something.
shantinori: Where did you sleep?
And did the cops even do anything? Seems to me that if you're 18 and you left the house BECAUSE YOU WERE TOLD TO LEAVE, there isn't anything they could do about it even if they wanted to. I don't think you fucked up -- it's not like they could actually report you missing and really get the authorities involved, correct?
That said, I bet your family was totally freaked out. Yikes. Must have scared the hell out of them when you didn't come home.
OkayGoogle: I can fall asleep in the the mist uncomfortable of spots when I'm tired. I had just walked miles to really nowhere, a few towns over. I fell asleep across the street from a Dunkin Donuts, at an quiet intersection against a metal pole. And the authorities didn't do anything, they thought my family overreacted a bit.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407932011 | 1407946970 | t3_2dfi2o | t5_2to41 | 128 | rcotc: TIFU By Kidnapping a Service Station Attendant. (Accidently)
swingandmiss32: Did she say that he belonged to her now? Or did she give him a sock and set him free?
Also, TYFU by trying to spell accidentally
rcotc: I don't spell well:)
Not_The_Expected: I do! W-E-L-L :)
CodyJuneSkyline: ... Dad?
Not_The_Expected: Would be news to me...
| 6 | 21.333333 | |
1407934383 | 1407953253 | t3_2dfl5f | t5_2to41 | 78 | WirtyDords: TIFU by not realizing she was going in for a kiss...
My first post in /r/tifu and like most TIFU's this happened almost 6 years ago.
I was a junior in high school and I had this history with this girl named Danielle(name changed). To give you a little back ground about myself I was the nerdy video game/anime kid at school that everyone thought was going to shoot up the school. Thats not who I am/was but its who they thought I was. I met Danielle my sophomore year in HS. We had two classes together, one in which she sat right behind me. Now Danielle was (still is) 10/10 perfection. Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice body, beautiful smile. The whole nine yards. I was very aware of my social standing and appearance being the chubby kid I was and i never talked to her. She was out of my league. However, one day she started talking to me and we hit it off. Long story short we became really close over sophomore year, and she admitted to liking me. I of course was stoked, and i asked her out. She declined though saying "she wasn't ready to be in a relationship." I was fine with that. Schooled ended and we kept in touch over the summer. School came back around and I was able to see her again. We became even closer than we were. One day she asked me to come over and help her out with some math homework, as she wasn't very good at math. I said sure and I rode home with her and her mom after school that day. So there we were sitting at her kitchen table flirting non-stop with each other. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and when i came back she ran up and just gave me this huge hug. We sat there in each others embrace for a while just kind of swaying. As I was pulling away from the hug I looked to my left to look out the window for some reason or another. Its at this moment I FUCKED UP. As I was pulling away I kind of felt her stand up on her toes and lean in. It didnt dawn on me then and i made some joke about her being short. The next day as I was walking to the bus it hit me. She tried to kiss me, and i blew it. I thought this over and over and over again and this is the only conclusion i can think of. I done this every day for almost 7 years.
TL;DR: I fucked up because i didnt realize 10/10 girl was trying to kiss me.
hank_moo_d: Amazing. The kiss wouldn't be so memorable as the lack of it still is for you.
WirtyDords: I think it would've. I honestly think it would have changed the outcome of our whole relationship.
hank_moo_d: I don't now. Maybe it's the years of thinking about it that grew this idea in your head. But, we'll ever know :(
WirtyDords: Shes the Great White Buffalo...
Silvabullet: Great White Buffalo
Quick_Over_There: Great^White^Buffalo
| 7 | 11.142857 | |
1407929079 | 1407953347 | t3_2dfex5 | t5_2to41 | 3 | beefyxfrog: TIFU by winning a contest...
I recently won free ejuice here on reddit. The company contacted me and told me they needed my address, I sent it to them and just a few minutes ago I double checked the message I sent them and I put south instead of north. For fucks sake I just moved from the south side of this street to the north within the last 2 weeks. (Different house numbers though). I sent them a message telling them I screwed up and I didn't expect a reship because im a dumbass.. But this is a pretty small town I live in, and maybe the postmaster will catch it? (Doubtful) Just needed a quick rant...
[deleted]: postal code should make sure it shows up in the right place
beefyxfrog: Small town means same zipcode... like 3000 people small buddy.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407936863 | 1408029055 | t3_2dfoqt | t5_2to41 | 4,574 | BoyfriendKlutz: TIFU by trying to be a good boyfriend.
So let's set the scene. My girlfriend has been away working. While away working, she got a kidney infection. She had to work through it and when she got home, she found out her dog was being put down. Now this is traumatic enough. But she was also misdiagnosed by the doctor, who gave her the wrong antibiotics. A weekend of sever stomach pain and crankyness passed. Then after getting the right antibiotics on Monday, she goes home to relax, stands up from the couch, and breaks her foot. Off to the hospital she goes. I spend the whole day at the hospital, the whole evening with her, trying to console her. She can't visit her sister and best friend in London. Very distraught. The next day I embark on a mission to cheer her up. I decide to bring her down my laptop and hard drive so we can watch movies. Typical wet Irish summer day and I slip and fall on my laptop. The LCD display of my 1,200 euro Samsung Laptop is obliterated. Ah well. No Movies. I decide to hang at her house and help her mind her nephew. Me and the nephew begin roughhousing and I end up swinging the boy of six full force into Girlfriends cast. Tears. Shouting. Shrieking. Door slamming. House-kicking-out-of. I leave the area for a few hours and return with plans for a surprise trip to the cinema. Surprise trip is going well! Tensions are low, and lovey-dovey-ness is up. As the movie starts she finishes off a text and I playfully knock her Google Nexus. Nexus decides to engage jet mode and crash onto the sticky popcorn riddled floor of the cinema. Cue the longest three seconds of my life as she reaches to the phone and flips it over. The screen has shattered gloriously, great arks of darkness spread across the display. I have destroyed her phone. She refuses to speak to me for the whole film. And for most of the car journey home. I leave her house, after a half-assed goodbye, I was afraid of damaging anything by staying too long. i also forgot mention thats she super stressed because today she recieves the test results that determine whether she goes to colleg or not. And she has no phone. To ring relatives. Or friends. Shes not talking to me. I fucked up.
tl/dr: I went full Retard on my maimed Girlfirend.
UPDATE: This has kind of exploded in my opinion, thanks to all, Im glad I provided some laughter. To answer some questions, I gave her my phone last night and Im writing this on my Samsung laptop hooked up to a monitor. Also the phone has gone in for repairs and Im paying. Thanks to that dude for the awesome Sketch lol. Girlfriend did indeed get her course. So shes happy over that. Im meeting her at a party in a while and ill be sure to let ye know how this ends up. Thats if she makes it to the party. Fingers crossed. In fairness, shes an awesome chick, and Id love if the universe would rethink trying to split us up. Cheers Universe.
UPDATE 2: Confirmation coming soon. I aint no bullshitter.
UPDATE 3: Thursday morning now. I still cannot believe my luck continues. Well this really is my fault. Last night we tried to go clubbing, even with her foot. But i got absolutely nasty drunk. We got a taxi, I puked in it. Kicked out. She had to walk on crutches all the way home.Im pretty sure Ive been relived of boyfriend duties. Confirmation is on its way. I cant get any photos because she has my phone. I really feel like a piece of shit.
CONFIRMATION: The Klutz [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/sGhuJwj)
The Girlfriend [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/xu1Lymh)
The Laptop [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/gu5YJic)
The Happy (unlucky) Couple [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/WckI4ks)
I am not in fact a samsung promoter. I just like this laptop. Im glad this story made people laugh. Im also glad i got gold, and that I was on the front page. If my run of bad luck continues, ill be sure to let you now.
Yours faithfully, Boyfriend Klutz.
pickpocket293: So to recap, she has a kidney infection, a broken foot, is missing a trip to London with friends, has a broken phone, you broke your laptop and then she got stung by a wasp? Jesus, time to spend the rest of the day in bed.
Edit: and I forgot the dog got put down. Wow.
shantinori: It's like a really bad country song.
[deleted]: Truck wasn't repossessed, and she wasn't cheating, I give it a 3/10 for a country song.
lookslikeyoureSOL: also no mention of beer, dirt roads, girls in jeans or pickup trucks. 2/10
KingOfRages: No tractors either 1/10
[deleted]: I believe we just wrote us a country song y'all.
Next up on TIFU: We inadvertently wrote a #1 country song and got screwed out of royalties.
Ninja Edit: We forgot about the dog, how could we forget about the dog??
DarkSideOfThePC: Today my truck was taken by the bank,
Seems I only have myself to thank,
Found out my love has been cheating,
Shes done things that aren't worth repeating,
Chorus:
So I'll walk down this dirt road and drink a cold beer,
Got no girl in tight jeans but I wont shed a tear,
Pickup is gone but I got a tractor,
Gone ride slowly to her house and then I'm gonna smack her
1Mom23: I wish I could give more than one up point. I grew up just outside of Nashville. Your ditty is better'n a lotta others out there. You better heed your callin'!
Thebeardedchild_87: I think you might have to throw in something about tumbleweeds though? And more Cow Bell is needed, nay nesesarry.
DarkSideOfThePC: I agree it needs more cowbell
Thebeardedchild_87: I feel my fever breaking already!
| 12 | 381.166667 | |
1407936334 | 1407966771 | t3_2dfnz5 | t5_2to41 | 54 | zarbee: TIFU a production deployment schedule email
I've been working on a feature at work for months. Missing deadline on it would've had serious implications for our business - and possibly, my employment. Couple of weeks ago, I prepared a deployment schedule to install the feature in production. The schedule was to go out in an email to the ENTIRE org - based in Prague, Dallas and Atlanta - including cross functional teams. In the email, I was to include a link to our team wiki. My monday morning email, however, included a link to this picture (http://i.imgur.com/mQhSDqM.jpg?1) on Facebook. I sent this email and left for a two hour meeting and saw countless coworkers walk past the conference room laughing and pointing at their phones. Came back to my desk to realize what I had done. An email recall didn't help. What follows is a series of images my coworkers came up with to make sure I never make the same mistake again.
http://imgur.com/a/jZQOw
poohspiglet: I like this TIFU. However, I'm thinking that now your bosses will know you're on Reddit instead of working. Do you still have a job?
OniExpress: Especially with (a) how close to the front page this is (b) reverse image searches.
VexingRaven: I'm thinking they don't really care judging by the number of coworkers who took the time to photoshop him.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1407936283 | 1407963829 | t3_2dfnvu | t5_2to41 | 25 | throwawayray302: TIFU by quoting the movie Home Alone
Wasn't today, but a month ago. I am a student going into my senior year of high school and my German class went on a trip to the Deutschland. We were staying at a youth hotel and me and my friend were enjoying hanging out in the lobby which provided us free wifi. My friend, lets call him "bob" was hanging out with me. All of the sudden a random German kid goes up to Bob and says "do you want to see my phone. Bob says "sure why not." Then the German kid slaps the shit out of bob with his phone for no apparent reason. Then he turns at me. Shit. He asks me if I want to see his phone, so I walk away because he is kind of big and in good shape. I don't want to be slapped like my friend. Then I said "keep the change ya filthy animal" for reasons I don't know. As a German I don't think he understood this reference. This is where I fucked up. So while walking away he picked me up above his head. Shit shit shit shit. Next thing I know I am laid across the floor. I was body slammed by a German kid, in Germany, on a class trip, in front of my friend and a large group of people. Fuck. The emotional pain was awful but I noticed my elbow. It felt like a knife was stabbing it. Long story short, I fractured it and I ended up in the hospital. Don't use American movie references in Germany.
tldr; Said movie quote, got body slammed by german kid, fractured my elbow
tetrahydrocanada: What a Deutsche bag.
goyurik: He did nazi that coming
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1407939821 | 1407993129 | t3_2dftgr | t5_2to41 | 119 | cripes121: TIFU by making my mom think that her father was contacting her from the afterlife
So, this all started several years back. When I was in high school my sister drove me crazy. She was always yelling at me for something, so, being a younger brother, I took every opportunity to prank her. One day I was moving things in the attic and I noticed her vanity mirror amongst other furniture (my parents were storing it there while she was in college). Because she’s really gullible/superstitious I wrote “Though I am dead, I will always watch you” in the dust on the mirror.
I figured this was a long con and eventually my vaguely cryptic message would startle her. Flash forward 5 years or so my Grandpa dies. My mom was putting some things from his estate in the attic when she notices the mirror. I get a call from my mom raving about how my grandfather is contacting her from the afterlife – how he’s trying to communicate with us. Now I’m on the other end of the phone in disbelief because what are the fucking odds that this is how that prank would end. The whole family is in a tizzy and I haven’t told them the truth - I’m not even sure if I should.
TL;DR – I tried to scare my sister by writing on a mirror, but my mom found it after my granddad died, making her think he was contacting her from the afterlife.
Jarbatalapus: I think the next step is obvious.
Write more messages.
ForeignMaterials: OP, take a note here. Your sister prank is over. It's time for family-destroying mom pranks.
CodeMonkeys: "Where's that 20 bucks you owe me? I put up with all this shit in life and then go and bloody die, and you can't even help a brotha out with two tenners? Fuckin' hell. Which is right where you should be. Cheap bitch."
ForeignMaterials: Finally, you can ask for that tree fiddy.
| 5 | 23.8 | |
1407939651 | 1407941529 | t3_2dft4f | t5_2to41 | 3 | Mumblix_Grumph: TIFU by revealing the ending to a book series written ten years ago.
I apologize to anybody I spoiled it for. I didn't even think about that since it was written so long ago.
katten777: Are you the guy from the simpsons post
Mumblix_Grumph: Yes, guilty. I deleted the post before anymore damage was done.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407941297 | 1407984183 | t3_2dfw0g | t5_2to41 | 172 | The_buddhisotan: Tifu by showing my mom a naked picture of my girlfriend
So we were all sitting at a restaurant in lonesome Rosemount MN, and I had just received a text from my girlfriend, who unexpectedly just sent me a nude picture of herself. I opened the text and was pleasantly surprised. I then proceeded to sleep my phone and forget about it. Fast forward to 15 minutes later. My mom asks to borrow my phone, and I, forgetting to exit out of the picture, hand my mother my phone. She turns it on and I immediately realize what I had just done: shown my mother a close up of my gf's tits. Oh shit. My face goes red as she squeals put of sheer pain. I take my phone back. And put it in my pocket. We haven't spoken of it since.
misterlakatos: Nice work. Ah to be 15 again...
The_buddhisotan: 16 but no difference really
bigdeal2976: If she's under 18 that's child pornography. Might wanna delete that shit or you'll have a "TIFU and got sent to prison" reddit to post
jazzGiraffe: You won't really be prosecuted for mutually consensual nude pics sent by anyone 16 or older.
That is, unless you a) start to distribute the nudes to other people, b) really piss off a powerful person by having those nudes, c) do something else illegal and get nabbed for the nudes because it's all they can get you for, or d) have an awful break-up and your psychotic ex tries to get you arrested.
[deleted]: So you'll be prosecuted for nearly any reason. Because option d is very likely at 16.
AfelFenix: Option D...
Yeah, the 'D' is very likely at 16.
Tek2674: Haha ZING!
| 8 | 21.5 | |
1407939061 | 1407958454 | t3_2dfs5x | t5_2to41 | 48 | Ashennz: TIFU - By locking myself INSIDE my own house
A few weeks ago, i was alone in the house and bored. I noticed our living room door was broken as the latch wouldnt hold, so a draft would open the door. "Im gonna fix this..."
So, tools in hand, i removed the lock mechanism, opened it up and repaired the latch. Tested it, works fine... put it back in the door. Closed the door and then tried to open it again. Nope didnt work, oh crap. Tried twisting the handle to near breaking point. Nothing, the latch now sticks out so much, turning the handle doesnt retract it enough to open the door. We have a back door, but my house keys are in my room, on the other side of the door. Its about 3 hours until my housemates get back from work. After about an hour i remembered we keep a jar full of old keys left by old housemates etc. One of these just happened to be a spare door key, huzzah!
I was then able to get out of the house and let myself in the front door, force open the living room door and fix the lock properly (a spring had slipped inside)
I dont do DIY anymore, but i did get a free beer from my local pub after telling the story :)
Schnort: [Apropos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy967iZdldw)
sonicjess: This was in my head before I clicked the link. Upvoted.
| 3 | 16 | |
1407941852 | 1407985498 | t3_2dfwyl | t5_2to41 | 377 | societal: TIFU by submitting a million dollar deal late on the client portal.
It was due 1:00 GMT on the 13th - which is 8:00 pm EDT on the 12th.
I thought it was 1:00 **pm** GMT and submitted it at 8:00 AM EDT on the 13th.
Client's sent an email requesting status update on our late submission. It has been escalated to the highest possible level within my company.
I probably will be fired. If this post does well, I'll keep you posted.
I hate my life right now. I wanted to put this up somewhere.
Edit 1: Language and words.
Edit 2: Day 1 after the disaster - I still haven't been called in front of the board yet and we don't have information if the client has accepted our bid. I'm still employed. I'll keep this thread updated.
rraannddoo: And that is why I use 24 hour system, so you never mix the time up.
rwat1: how do you use it? What does GMT mean?
jaebul: www.lmgtf..... ahh fuck it you google it yourself.
ihatetransfers: In the time it took you to type that, you could have just typed greenwich mean time.
jaebul: give a man a fish...
ihatetransfers: Or you could be productive and actually answer a question that someone asks instead of trying to be witty with that shit.
jaebul: Wtf do you mean "productive". If I wanted to be productive, I wouldn't be on Reddit.
| 8 | 47.125 | |
1407943136 | 1408029857 | t3_2dfz7j | t5_2to41 | 12 | Thatpoutinething: TIFU by thinking cleaning my wallet was a good idea
So today I decided it was time to unclutter my wallet. I have been big on cleaning everything lately and I felt it was time to throw all old receipts away, remove all cookies crumbs and get rid of old IDs. So I started cutting my old driver's licence in really tiny pieces because I am scared someone will find it and steal my identity. I was also putting the pieces in different piles so I could throw them in different garbage bins. Well halfway through the process, I realized that I was not cutting my old one but my actual one. Some days I feel like I should just learn to procrastinate...
Pareunomania: OP is dumb.. Why did you not double check??
Thatpoutinething: Because my hair color changed with the sun, and I was pretty sure by looking at the picture that it was an old one... I was having a good day, being too sure I was doing the right thing, which cost me 15$.
| 3 | 4 | |
1407939947 | 1407964433 | t3_2dftpa | t5_2to41 | 2 | calibagel: TIFU by teaching my cousin swear words :X
(forgot to clarify: my cousin is two.)
well not really, accidentally i guess?
tldr basically i'm at the playground with her, fall off something i'm probably ten years too old for, first thing out of my mouth is "shit", as you do.
talking to my aunt later, apparently sometimes she'll say it if the situation is appropriate. (fortunately, my aunt did the same thing at one point, apparently, so she thinks it's her fault.)
this is why i suck with kids.
Kwestionable: Been there, done that.
calibagel: the problem now is she's very talkative. :')
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407943209 | 1407945897 | t3_2dfzcc | t5_2to41 | 6 | tarnug123: TIFU by ignoring all the advances and hints from my crush
TLDR since its the morning: Struck out three times with a girl by being too dense, then spent 4 years wondering about the fish that got away.
    Obligatory it didn't happen today but roughly 4 years ago in high school. So as many of you know and have experienced high school is that lovely time in someone’s life where there are gray lines everywhere and no one is quite sure of anything. My being my normal nerdy self (Games constantly along with anime) and looking the part as well (Avg height, pale as a ghost and skinny as all hell. I am trying to sidestep my way through high school without fucking everything up too badly and maybe even find a SO. Well-being the type of person I am I dislike French (nothing against the language or people but I don't wish to learn it) and unfortunately/fortunately you are forced to take a second language where I went to school. So what am I to do? Well take Spanish of course. What is better than trying to stumble your way through basic conversation while sounding like a fool right?
    So it's my second last year in high school and I'm stuck with Spanish and the lovely teacher (sarcasm) Senora H. As all introductory Spanish classes go the class itself wasn’t too bad and we ended up learning the basics (Which have since been purged from my brain) and do a few fun activities along the way.
    Well I do believe that’s enough back story eh (Just a smidge of being Canadian)? Well in that Spanish class I happened to take a liking to a girl who was way out of my league (Or so I thought). For the remainder of my FU I will call her N. In my class we ended up all getting our names translated to Spanish then we got seated according to our names alphabetically. Wouldn’t you know it lucky me got placed right beside N. She was stunning and to top it off since we often got paired off to do speaking lessons based off where we sat; I almost always got paired with her. She had a great sense of humor and was always very nice. Well this is where I started to FU and the worst part I wouldn’t even come to realize it till a year down the road.
    I was always fixated with her. How she talked and moved and how nice and happy she was. Often she would ask me for help with her homework or sit close while getting help(Of course oblivious me never took this as a sign but well there is a reason people often refer to being young and stupid later in life). Now that’s all well and fine but surely I would pick up on it eventually right? Wrong, dead wrong. Never picked up on it.
    Now screw up #1 is minor and many people have done this. Well next comes the parts that are worse. The year of our class is coming to an end and we are told were having a Spanish Potluck (It was a different name but I can’t for the life of me remember it and google wasn’t much help). This was supposed to be traditional so it included food everyone had to bring and then there was music and dance (FML, I love music however I dislike being the center of attention and have 2 left feet). Now that is normally fine but there is 1 factor that comes up. This is a high school Spanish class that you only take if you choose to not learn French. This means that most of the population of that class was female (Class of roughly 30 students, 27 Female, 3 Males). Now think about that for a minute. See a problem? This is supposed to have dancing and generally it’s quite hard to do any dance involving couples with such a tipped scale. So obviously the teacher danced with some female students and some female students danced with each other and that’s fine but the 3 guys (me included) got swamped the entire time. While naïve me thinking “o this will be a great chance to try and dance with her.” Wrong yet again. People had eaten and dance time came around. The teacher grabs one of the other male students and shows him how to dance. Everyone watching and laughing at how awkward that looked I didn’t notice that my “turn” was slowly approaching. Well midway through the dance she say ok pair up. Well instantly before I knew it I was swamped and tossed around like a ragdoll. All I remember is seeing N at the sidelines, she didn’t dance with anyone and just watched the entire time. I never even got the chance to breathe let alone try and ask her to dance (Strike 2 in the FU book). Well that’s fine right? There is always when school starts up I can talk to her and hell maybe ask her to semi-formal right? Nope, She moved away that year, apparently close by to another school but gone none the less.
    So as most young people do. I moved on and time kept going. I eventually met a girl and we started dating though it never really was a “good” relationship. We eventually broke up but stayed friends enough that I decided I might as well go to semi-formal with her. So we get there and meet up with a few of my friends then join in the dancing. All is well and good I am dancing with my ex and the night’s fine. Well wouldn’t you know it but one of the people in the school had kept contact open with N and N had heard about the semi-formal and wanted to go along. I obviously not knowing this am just slow dancing with my ex when all of a sudden N just cuts into the dance. Like I am not talking about “Excuse me could I cut in?” No it was more of a “Hey tarnug123” *Proceeds to grab me from my ex and off we go*. I get a stern look of disapproval from my ex and then it hits me. I’m dancing with N. I don’t know how or where she came from but its bliss. Maybe I will finally be able to talk to her and get to know her? Well here is the final fuck up. The song ends and we talk a bit then in storms my ex. She gets mad at me and N just kind of wanders off as the whole scene was a bit awkward. Worst part. My ex gets so irate she wants to go home and I am her only ride. I have to leave then and didn’t even have time to talk to N (Strike 3). I wasn’t able to get her number or any contact in any way shape or form. That night has always been bitter in my mind and thought about it a lot over the past 4 years.
EDIT: Sorry new to reddit and I wrote this up on Word and the formatting didnt carry while pasting, also sorry for the wall of text
HankMardewkus: I can only assume you don't know her last name, because if you did facebook would be an option.
tarnug123: Aye Facebook could have been an option but I moved further north by a large enough distance that in my younger brain I thought was insurmountable and also I thought adding her on Facebook out of the blue after that was creepy(Incidentally I worry about things a lot)
HankMardewkus: Well maybe you should do that now, because it is not creepy. Also no distance is too far for anyone with maple syrup for blood.
tarnug123: True true plus our Polar bear sleds can go pretty fast ;)
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407944409 | 1407965080 | t3_2dg1l0 | t5_2to41 | 21 | PM_YOUR_TITAYS: TIFU by Accidentally Breaking my FWB's Laptop
So this actually happened in 2011.
My senior year in high school (08) I lost my virginity to one of the top three hottest girls in my grade. She was of Egyptian decent. She could have been Cleopatra. Silky brown hair, beautiful tan cocoa butter skin. A firm ass, small waist, small perky tits and perfect teeth. Lets call her 'Desert'.
Now Desert was a whore. Not trying to be mean, but she was just a whore. She was nice, beautiful, funny and actually very fun to be around. But she loved to fuck. You have a dick? Step in line. She told me she had slept with around 20 plus men. The keeper of five, soon to be six, V-Cards. She was 18. I was 17. I didn't care. I wanted to fuck, to lose my virginity and why not to this fine ass bitch right hurr. The head she gave by the way was absolutely remarkable, still have never had anything like that since. However, we only had sex once. It wasn't that I was bad, I actually did better than I thought I would but I was cheating with her on my girlfriend and we just got tired of sneaking around. We soon broke up after as our relationship was falling apart before the cheating. The cheating was the final straw.
Three years later I come home from college on spring break. So did Desert. We met up, ate some frozen yogurt and reminisced about our sexual past. She asked if my parents were home, they were and so were hers. She said there wasn't enough room in her car (Camaro). We decided that we would meet up next week as she went to school an hour from my school. She lived in a house so I would travel down to stay with her. She wanted me to be her FWB, no feelings just sex. YAHTZEE!
She wanted me to come on a Thursday even though I wanted to wait till the weekend as I had class Friday. She did too actually, 7:30 in the morning to be exact. So sure enough I drive down to see her, we go to a redbox, rent a movie and go back to her place. Back at her place she asked me if I could help her with her laptop. She had just paid $500 to have it fixed and had to reinstall some programs. She was so happy to have the laptop back as she spent a lot of time on the internet and she had a 24 page paper due the following Monday that she had not started on. After fiddling with the laptop, she sets it down and we put in the movie.
We are sitting on her bed, fully clothed watching the movie. Ten minutes in she says she is going to take of her pants. I jump up and exclaim "Me too!" and with in seconds I am fully nude. It was as if I was wearing rip-away clothes. I go in to kiss her and she becomes stone--emotionless as I kiss her lips. I pull back and she tells me no kissing. Let me add she has fake boobs now, nice small D cups. I know lots of people don't like fake boobs but they were fuck-ing ama-zing. We proceed to fuck. She tells me it is hard to make her cum. I am now on a mission. For two hours we fucked. Pounding, to eating, to pounding and repeat. She watches porn on her phone for a portion of the eating. This is a dream come true for me at the time. She was much more fit now, and she really knew how to fuck. Her number was probably nearing triple digits.
We finally get in the prone-bone position, face down, ass slightly lifted. And I begin to pound. I am exhausted. I am literally dripping sweat like Shaq during a post-game interview. But I continue to pound. "I'm about to cum!" she says. Hearing that makes me pound harder. Her screams get louder and finally she cums. Her body quivered from ecstasy, my body quivered from exhaustion. Once she cums I pull out but I have no cum yet, I needed a rest before I passed out. On my knees I begin to lean back with my arm stretched behind me to brace myself, only there was nothing to brace me. In my furious pounding I became disoriented on the bed and had not realized how close the the edge I was. I certainly realized as my skinny, naked sweaty ass flung through the air off of her bed. I landed on the floor with a thud. She burst out laughing and so did I. She asked how can I be so awkward all of the time. I didn't care, I was still proud. She got on the floor with me, got into doggy and let me pound on her for the next three minutes until I came on her back.
I got in the shower, she put on panties and went to the kitchen. I'm gleaming with pride. I have a FWB, she fucking hot and I just performed like a stallion. When I got out of the shower she was laying on the bed with her snacks. I got dressed and she wanted to do some more stuff on her laptop. As she turns on the laptop it becomes glaringly clear I karate-kicked the screen with my heel when I fell. It is smashed and my heart drops to my stomach. The whole screen is broken, it turns on but only displays a portion of the screen that isn't broken. She freaks out. She begins to cry and talk to herself. I try to calm her down as I feel horrible. She proceeds to call friends and lie to them about what happened. She told them she dropped it. She tells each one about how she just got her laptop fixed and now its destroyed. I sit there as all of this happens. She tells me that this is what she gets for doing this with me. So what do I do? I stay the rest of the night. I know it's crazy but it was very late, I was exhausted and I didn't want to drive home. As the night went on she became more calm. We talked about the past and then fell asleep.
A few hours later we woke up because she has to go to class. We had an awkward hug and good bye as I left. On the way home and laughed and laughed at what had just happened. I called and texted friends telling my story. Desert later called me a day later telling me I would need to pay for a new laptop since the guy at best buy told her old one is beyond repair. I tell her I can't do that, I can help her with some money now and money later but I'm basically broke and it was a total accident. She tells me to just forget it and hung up on me. I didn't her from her again.
I hope you enjoyed my story, I apologize it was so long...
TL;DR....I fell off of the bed during sex with my FWB and broke her recently fixed laptop, ruining our relationship
KastaBortAvUppenbar: This is not a TIFU, it's an erotic novel.
PM_YOUR_TITAYS: I admit I got carried away writing. I was really high when I wrote it haha
[deleted]: Fucking hot though high five
PM_YOUR_TITAYS: Thank you haha
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1407945412 | 1407969858 | t3_2dg3h9 | t5_2to41 | 37 | Pyro1923: TIFU by sending one of my favorite remixes to an acquaintance. He goes "White Knight of Copyright" on me and threatens the artist to remove the track or he will report it to the authorities.
So I listen to all kinds of music, this certain one is a J-core remix (hardcore remix of a Japanese song) of a popular Vocaloid song called "Love is War". I love the track and waited a long time for it to come out, remembered it was released a while ago the other day. Go buy that shit on bandcamp, jamming to the album having a great time. On Facebook, send the track to someone I have on my friends list, because he listens to electronic and vocaloid, so he should like it, right? Except I forgot this guy is a total dick for copyright. There is your dad telling you not to torrent, and then there is "I will report you directly to the record company of the original recording if you don't take this down".
This guy is the later.
Anyhow, he barely even listens to the track, and immediately begins ripping on it talking about how he's not allowed to sell it w/e. I tell him he's being a dick and should reconsider what he's doing with his life, he ignores me and does it anyway saying that this is "not something I should just be okay with". Next day go on the artists FB page and he posts the email that was sent to him from said White Knight and the artist along with everyone in the comments is tearing him apart. Kind of nice to see, but not really what I wanted to happen.
Not sure what's going to happen yet, he either has to release it as a free track, pay royalties, or take it down. Pretty sure he's just going to make it free but holy shit...
ALL I WAS TRYING TO DO WAS SHARE A SONG THAT I LIKED.
tl;dr "Hey this is a cool remix, check it out!" "Preeetty sure he can't sell that." "Dude don't be a dick" "HE. MUST. PAY. ROYALTIES."
fopdoodle13: That's when you realize that some people aren't meant to be friends, and you stop talking to him.
Pyro1923: Not even a friend, really. But yeah, this is just too far. Thinking about removing him.
[deleted]: What I don't understand is having people as a friend on Facebook who is not family or friends? My rule is I have to have met you irl and you are not a cunt... Then you are allowed to be on my Facebook friends list.
Pyro1923: I have this particular individual on Facebook because I am an admin on a fairly large page (805k+ likes) and he is an admin on there as well. So it kind of made sense that we had each other added.
I understand what you mean, though.
[deleted]: Oh ok, that's fair enough. Pity he has to be a turdbaby about it.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1407943560 | 1407992807 | t3_2dg00f | t5_2to41 | 248 | mooncupdisaster: TIFU by buying no-brand "softcups" and having sex
This actually happened around thanksgiving but I was reminded of this horrible traumatic memory by another post involving mooncups.
Now I've seen mooncups around for a few years and have always considered getting one, but they seem a little intimidating and big, and I'm scared of it getting stuck. But then I found the "softcup", which is similar but reusable for only one cycle. As I always did with tampons, and pretty much everything I need, I headed to ebay to buy in bulk. It didn't cross my mind that I probably should be sure the product is high quality for this kind of thing. And the first few months went great.
Now on the official softcup website, it mentions that this can be used for no mess intercourse. I've always been against sex during that time of the month, but me and my new husband were spending our first thanksgiving alone together, instead of with our family we decided to take a trip, and so we were both really in the mood, and so I thought with the softcup, it would be okay. So anyway you can probably tell where this is going. Soft cup breaks during sex. Blood everywhere. God I wish that was it. But this was not the case. It seems to be that the sex only weakened the soft cup. In was still at this point, as far as I could tell, intact. We clean up and get ready to go eat out at a restaurant. I looked amazing. I thought it was going to be an amazing night. But oh I was so wrong. We had been in the car -the rental car- for about 5 minutes when I felt it. I was wet. No not the good kind. I silently freaked out for about a minute before I realised I had to tell my husband. And get to a restroom. I'm crying by this point. Finally we get out of traffic and he finds me a gas station with a restroom. I get up and make my way into the bathroom as quickly as possible. My ass is fucking soaked in blood. It's disgusting. The seat is ruined. This is not a normal period leak. This is the entire contents of the cup released at once. There is no way anyone didn't notice this. And another fucking problem. Since I've been using the softcup, I didn't bring any tampons. I'm fucked. The rental car seat is fucked. My new jeans are fucked. Our night is fucked. Never have I been so embarrassed in my life. Husband was very sweet about it, bought me tampons and chocolate and we ordered pizza and stayed in the hotel room watching movies. Our first official holiday as a married couple, so unfortunately this will never be forgotten. Worst experience ever. Never again will I use softcups, mooncups, or anything other than regular old pads and tampons.
gigisalinas: Well your husband handled it like a gentlemen. :)
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Quite.
azziptaei: WORST name to be commenting on any period related post.
xRyubuz: Nothin' wrong with a little bitta blood!
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
ThisIsMyExactFetish: I concur.
| 6 | 41.333333 | |
1407942897 | 1407949425 | t3_2dfyt2 | t5_2to41 | 112 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to prank my roomie
My roommate and I both have chromecasts on our bedroom TVs to watch while passing out. So the other day I thought it would be HILARIOUS to switch my chromecast with my roommates. That way at night when he was trying to sleep he would go CRAZY trying to figure out how to watch tv. I figured after some frusteration he would come to me to ask about why he couldnt connect, I would switch his phone to connect to my chromecast (which is the one plugged in his tv) and it would "suddenly work".
A bit of a dick move I know but it seemed harmless enough.
Anyways he was gone for a few days so I had COMPLETELY forgot about my stupid prank. Cut to last night, I had a girl over who well.. you know..
We had only met a few times and around the "relationship" is pretty new. It was around 2am we had completely passed out with The Simpsons on as background noise.
All of a sudden an extremely loud sound woke me up. It was like a loud screaming grunting sound.. I shot up so quickly, accidently knocking the girl cuddled on my chest off the bed! She climbed off the floor looking angrily at me for throwing her off the bed but we were both soon distracted by the 2 men loudly doing it on my Tv....
Huh,.. thats new?
So as it turns out my roommate uses his chromecast for porn.. and not just porn but really hardcore Gay porn. The problem is he was not out of the closet and a very conservitive guy. I have no problem with him being gay (2 of my best firends are gay, you really cant be close minded in the film industry) But HE didnt want anyone to know.
He came into my room super pissed off when he realized the video he wanted to watch was playing in my room (FULL VOLUME) and that I had accidentally outed him. The girl I was with decided to leave because it was "too much drama"..
TLDR: Accidently outed my very conservitive closeted roomie AND cock blocked myself all in one prank! go me
EDIT: fixed an ackward sentance
hickboy85: As a gay guy myself this would have been terrifying before I came out. Maybe this will be good for him though. Tell him, it's ok to bring boys home.
solicitorpenguin: Best wing-man ever
| 3 | 37.333333 | |
1407945801 | 1407980042 | t3_2dg47w | t5_2to41 | 57 | etherealstasis: TIFU by switching cat litter.
Ok so my FU was actually a week ago. I've been poor for so long I could only afford the cheapest of cat litter which is clay and frankly not good for animal lungs. So finally I'm making more money and decide I can spring for the fancy crystals! Also, I'm thinking that my cat will track the litter around less as the crystals are bigger and heavier than the clay particles.
I did not know how bad of a decision this litter change was. First off, my cat either didn't learn to cover his poop as a kitten (feral, Humane Society rescue at 6 months) or is just so alpha he wants to make sure everyone knows the house is HIS.
So anyway, I switch the litter and feel like a great mom for having less harmful litter for my little poop machine. Except the crystals stick to his paws like crazy. He gets them everywhere, my bed, his food bowl, and also, the dog's water bowl. (he likes playing in the water with his paws)
Unfortunately, due to the crystals sticking to his paws and getting everywhere, that means both the cat and the dog both have ingested small amounts of the crystals, which sends both of them into diarrhea mode. After discovering this nasty effect on my poor babies I decide to switch to pine litter. Except I didn't do it fast enough. In the wee morning hours of the day I have set to go to the pet store I wake up at 4:30 with a cat sitting on my chest. Covered in shit.
In my half awake state I instinctively pet him, and wonder sleepily why he is wet. I bring my wet hands to my face and wake up instantly as I realize that he's covered in shit. The cat I gave a bath to not three days ago. I fly out of bed and see poopy paw prints ALL OVER MY SHEETS. Great, and my dryer happens to be broken so I can't wash and dry my only set of sheets.
Wearily, I stumble down the hallway to his litter box. There is poop up and down the hallway floor and even on the walls of the laundry room where his litter box is. FML. I clean everything up and go back to bed for about 30 minutes. I cleaned up the sheets as best I could and decide to just take everything to the laundromat after work. I toweled off poop-butt but he has a lot more dried poop matted into his fur than he does wet poop. Someone is getting a long bath when I get home.
Husband pulls through that day by leaving work early and picking up everything I need from the pet store AND puts new sheets on the bed (that I didn't know existed). I come home after work and clean the entire kitchen after finding poop on the counter that I missed earlier that morning.
After the massive cleanup project I change the litter and give the poor shit-smeared cat another bath. He was quite displeased, but at least now he can go roll around in pine pellets and eat as many as he likes without dying. This morning I'm happy that there's not poop anywhere and the cat is miraculously poop free despite still having diarrhea. I grab the dog for her morning walk and head down the stairs super chipper until I see the front door. Apparently the dog decided that she had to go potty last night while my husband and I were asleep so she ran downstairs and exploded all over the front door. Half of it is dried on my mat (threw that away) and the rest is dried on my wood floor. I have to scrub dried liquid dog shit off the wood floor, delaying going into work by about an hour.
TL;DR - I have cleaned up more poop in the last 48 hours than I have wiped off my own arse in the past 20 years.
Caddywonked: oh god. that sounds terrible. I'm so sorry. But the part where your poor dog "ran downstairs and exploded all over the door" sent me into giggles at work.
Also, I'm now 100% avoiding crystal kitty litter, so thanks for the warning!
etherealstasis: Yeah, not worth the risk imo. Pine litter is nice and I'm not sure how great it is at controlling smell but I should be scooping it every day anyway. Better for the cat.
Caddywonked: We have an automatic-cleaning litter box, so we don't do much scooping. It also limits what litters we can use =/
etherealstasis: What kinds of litter are you limited to?
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1407950717 | 1408028593 | t3_2dgdxd | t5_2to41 | 52 | Nayr_Reklaw: TIFU by listening to Siri
I just moved to Boston last week and I barely know my way around anywhere still (and luckily for me the streets in Boston are ridiculously hard to navigate even if you’ve lived there for years). So I fire up Siri hoping she can help me out in the morning to get to work. I work on the outskirts of Boston; it usually takes about 45 minutes to get there.
So I’m driving and Siri directs me down this convoluted side street. Being naïve and barely awake at 6 am, I don’t realize the street is a one way until I’ve gone about three quarters of the way down it. Noticing cars line the street on both sides, so there’s no pulling off a clean three point turn, I figured I would try to try my luck in reverse and get back to the street I was just on. Before I have the chance to turn around to see how I will be able to pull this off three cars are already in front of me honking their horns. Being helpful, Siri just keeps telling me to seek an alternate route. The people on the sidewalks are now stopped and interested to see what’s about to happen. So I try calmly to put it in reverse and mosey back to the intersection where I took the wrong turn.
Now at the red light, facing the line of about a dozen cars now, I try to pull the three point turn. I figured I don’t want to be driving backwards down the main roads (but that would’ve been hilarious). It doesn’t help I’m driving a 25 year old car with a terrible turn radius. I cut the wheel as hard as I can and move as slow as possible. Then I cut it back the other way and as slow as possible, in an attempt to not hit the cars on both side of the street. At this point the line has almost twenty cars in it, and the light has flashed green twice already. I keep cutting the wheel back and forth and gently moving my ancient car, as I’m berated from every single person (who are all now late to work) in this line. I keep cutting and shuffling for about 5 minutes until I can’t move the car any longer and I’m wedged perpendicular on a one way side street in Boston. It took close to what felt like 20 minutes to inch my way out of the street. Easily the worst morning commute I have ever had.
Needless to say, I will be using google maps from now on.
heinzmonster: Maybe siri was just a huge Austin Powers fan and wanted to see you recreate a scene from the movie
CM_Mario: Yeah Baby..
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1407953303 | 1407985394 | t3_2dgj11 | t5_2to41 | 46 | throwawayjstbcuz: TIFU by e-mailing my boss
Reddit, I think I have had the most humiliating experience of my life as of an hour ago.
I work from home and one of the amazing perks of doing so, is that I can smoke weed all day if I want to. Not that I do, but I usually spark up a bowl a couple of times throughout my work day. I've had the job for a year and a half and I've physically never met my boss as we live in different parts of the state. He's a 60 something, very quirky, weird guy from what I've heard.
Very rarely do I wake-n-bake, but this morning I decided to. Captain Hindsight says this wasn't a good decision.
I use g-mail for work email and personal email. I keep my personal e-mail open in an incognito window. I'm reading through my work e-mails, thinking, damn I've got a lot to do today... where to start... wow, I'm feeling pretty damn high right about now.
Then, I get a little "ding" on my phone that's telling me I got a personal e-mail.. so I open the incognito window on my laptop, and holy shit.. it's a really hot girl responding to an ad I placed looking for a threesome with my husband and I. After a few emails back and forth to verify she's real.. she sends me a full body pic...Damn she's got nice tits.. I think I'll send her a titty shot back. So, I snap a couple of pics on my webcam.. a face shot, a titty shot and an ass shot.
I'm typing up a hot e-mail reply and I click the paperclip button to start attaching pics... My phone rings and it's my boss. He tells me he needs me to e-mail him some reports I had been working on. No problem, I say.. I'll do it right away and we hang up.
Usually I'm really good at multitasking and in general fucking off doing other shit, while I'm working. It's a skill I've mastered.. but I don't usually do it super high.
I click open work email and open a new e-mail window to my boss. Then I get a "ding" again.. hot chick is sending me more pics.. fuck I really need to get on this and send her what I just took. I go back to the e-mail and quickly attach the pics I just took, typed "if you like these, we should exchange pussy pics" and clicked send. I then go back to my other email window.
After about 3 seconds, I realize.... OH FUCK. I sent the pics to my boss and not the hot chick. Oh holy hell. WTF do I do? Oh my god.. I'm going to lose my job. Probably can't get unemployment since I'm an independent contractor!
My phone rings. It's my boss.
I swallow my embarrassment and answer the phone. I'm just going to act oblivious to this.
Me: "Hi Mr. X"
Boss: "Hi. I still haven't received the reports"
Me: "They are still attaching, it should be done soon"
Boss: "Ok great. Oh, and I think you meant to send those pictures to someone else."
Me: "Oh shit, I'm so sorry about that.. that was totally a mistake that won't happen again. I'm really embarrassed that happened"
Boss: laughs "Don't worry about it.. I'm sure she will enjoy the pics.. by the way, aren't you married?"
Me: "Yes" long pause....
Boss: "Oh.. well, hey, whatever works for you as long as it doesn't cause problems!"
Me: "Oh.. he knows. Everything is fine"
Boss: "Good to hear. Alright, well I'll let you know if there are any corrections that need to be made the the reports once I get them"
Me: "Ok, thanks"
Wow, that was awkward and totally ruined my high.
**tl;dr- Wake-n-baked while working from home and sent nude pics to my boss I've never met, instead of a girl I'm trying to hook up with.**
edited for: formatting
thecoremiester: Uh more like " today I found out my boss is fucking awesome"
5unbr0: Free tits, what would you expect?
"How dare you send me pictures of your naked breasts, you are fired!"
ChargerMatt: One day I will be on the receiving end of this... one day.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1407954738 | 1407968328 | t3_2dglqa | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving pictures of my penis on my moms cell phone and iPad
So I'm 19 and living with my parents and at the beginning of the summer I bought a penis extender (like [this](http://i1106.photobucket.com/albums/h368/healthstore/extender_deluxe-1.jpg). It works for growing length, girth, helps with correcting curvature, whatever not the point. As well, at the time I didn't have a phone because it broke. So, when I began to use the extender, I couldn't for the life of me figure out how it works. I looked up the tutorials, emailed the company, nothing. I was at a loss. So I did the logical and normal thing and grabbed my moms cell phone and snapped close to 30 pictures of me, fully nude and strapped into the extender. There's a good penis extender forum online that was able to help me, so I deleted the photos from my mom's phone and went on with my life. Well today, I'm sitting in my room and my mom tells me to come downstairs because she wants to talk to me. I go into her room and she tells me to close the door because she found some pictures on her phone. Immediately I start thinking back on what I possibly could have taken with her camera, and I'm sure it wasn't the penis extender pictures because I DELETED THEM. I walk in and she holds my hand and says, OP, I uh found a lot of pictures on my phone and iPad of you naked in the bathroom. Most awkward 30 seconds of my life. She never brought up the fact that I was using a penis extender, probably because she was so confused to what it even was. I just stammered out an I'm sorry you had to see that and got the fuck out of there. Turns out, not only do iPhones save pictures in the camera roll but also in something called the Photo stream. I deleted all the pictures from one place but not from the other, so she got the haunting experience of seeing my penis on her phone AND her iPad. Dinner tonight is gonna be super fucking weird, and I'm really close to my mom which made things just that much more embarrassing. I fucked up.
**TLDR: Mom saw 30 pictures of my stretched penis in a penis extender on her phone and iPad**
edit: literally 30 seconds after I post this my mom yells "OP!, come downstairs and hang out with me!" Uhhhhhhhhh
HeleneyesKellerears: If she were your step Mom, I'd have a boner.
fingiez: I have a boner, "OP come down right now!"
HeleneyesKellerears: ...and sit on step Mommy's bed and hold my hand, I need to show you something...
| 4 | 2 | |
1407955758 | 1407956053 | t3_2dgno1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Bonedragonwillrise: Tifu by stealing plastic hangers and causing my parents to flip the fuck out.
This didn't happen today it happened years ago.
So my family is visiting my grandma's house at the beach. I was about five years old and obsessed with robots even though I didn't have the slightest idea how they worked. So we go to a clothing store and my five year old adolescent brain thinks that plastic hangers would make the perfect robot. So I took some and stuffed them in my shorts with big ass pocket and then proceed to forget about them on the car ride back to grandma's. My mom doing laundry empty's my pockets and finds hangers. She brings me to laundry room and asks where I got all those hangers (I took about 6). I said I got them from the clothing store. My mom freaks the fuck out thinking this is the beginning of a long life of crime and felonies. She drives me back to the store and makes me turn in my robotic hanger parts back to the manager who proceeded to not give a fuck like a majority of the population. Also I wasn't allowed to go to the beach the rest of the trip.
TLDR: I stole plastic hangers my mom overreacted and grounded me for a week.
metalandfire: DIdnt you explain it was for a robot? you were just trying to do some engineering
Bonedragonwillrise: Mom didn't care. stealing is wrong.
| 3 | 3 | |
1407955389 | 1407957214 | t3_2dgmy9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | D_Mes: TIFU by leaving my upstairs window open.
Some background: I just recently moved into a new house with some roomates. So far it's been great. We dont live in a great neighborhood so we decided to get a dog to help watch over the house. We wanted a loveable but protective dog. So we went to the shelter and found the greatest and nicest (probably too nice for what we wanted) Shepard mix. Now this is no small dog. Very big and very strong. In fact, when we were playing last night he got excited and tried to kiss me and cut my eye open with his head.
I work about an hour and a half bus ride away from where I live. This morning when I left for work I let the dog out, fed him and said goodbye. One of my roomates is currently in the hospital and the other spent the night at a girl's house so no one was home with him today.
While at work, I get a frantic call from my girlfriend. She is a very very anxious girl. She is freaking out because she got a call from the dog warden saying they found dog in the middle of a road near the house. They said he is not aware of cars at all and almost wandered on to the highway.
I began to wonder how he got out. I know I shut all the doors and windows. Someone had to have let him out. So my girlfriend goes to investigate. Turns out this crazy mother fucker jumped out of an 2nd floor window, completely unharmed and went exploring. This is going to be a fun experience.
P.S. His name is Atlas
TL:DR left an upstairs window open and new dog jumped out of it. Luckily unharmed.
BigBobsBootyBarn: That's a pretty fitting name for your dog.
D_Mes: Thanks! We've always been in to naming pets after Greek mythology characters.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407956834 | 1407960574 | t3_2dgpsl | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by daydreaming with my hand in my pants
Happened to me a couple hours ago. I live in a small village in the mountains of Lebanon. The key thing to mention is that everyone knows each other one way or another, and because of that rumors also spread around very fast.
Its 10AM, and I just got up from a very uncomfortable sleep. I make my cup of coffee, go onto the balcony and take a seat in my usual, routine spot. Being very tired, you tend to daydream or doze off into oblivion for a couple of seconds before you get a grasp of reality again. Well, a couple seconds before this daydream, my balls decided to itch me, and my eyes found its convenient daydream location into the balcony of our neighbors house. She just happened to be changing at that time. When she realized she forgot to close the curtains, she looked up and hurriedly rushed towards the window. The look of disgust on her face is what helped me snap out of my daydream and realize wtf I had just put myself into.
Don't know how fast this is going to spread, but im going to make sure to hide in my house for the next couple of days.
IUsedToWantSalmon: Is she at least hot?
gamerjoe55: Yes, she's a pretty hot older woman. Which makes my problem worse, because the rumor would sound more believable...
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407955127 | 1407976459 | t3_2dgmg7 | t5_2to41 | 256 | jwsampson: TIFU by diving to avoid a car
So this actually happened today for a change, so I guess that's something.
I was walking down the road on my way to the gym, had my headphones on and wasn't particularly paying attention to the world around me. So imagine my surprise when a car suddenly swerved towards me! I go into full panic mode and vault forward onto the floor to avoid this maniac! This was no small jump to the side, this was Olympics-worthy. Greg Rutherford was coming to congratulate me for the sheer distance of my mighty leap.
And then the fuck up. Turns out when the car 'swerved', it was just turning to park. Because I wasn't paying attention, I thought I was about to be the victim of some horribly random road crime, when in reality some poor woman was just pulling up. So I rose to my feet, made a hilariously pathetic attempt at apologising (still not entirely sure what for) and very quickly made my exit.
ingenieronegro: omg this is perfect hahaha. kudos to you for the awkward apology, that makes the story that much sweeter.
jwsampson: I'm still not sure why I apologised! Picked the wrong time to let my British-ness take control of a situation
kautau: Nah, you went full Canadian for a bit
samzeman: British would involve more glaring daggers
OreoObserver: We would be queueing up to give cold stares.
| 6 | 42.666667 | |
1407955817 | 1407959411 | t3_2dgns7 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Milky_Squirts: TIFU by helping a bug
I saw a larger bug hopping around and trying to fly around on my back porch. He landed on his back and his legs were going crazy. He was working pretty hard. I didn't know what it was so I wasn't going to touch the damn thing. I turned on the hose and waited for the water to cool down. I figured he may be thirsty or in his death throws.
I wait for the water to cool off and spray him towards the grass so he'd have some thing to grab on to. Well it worked. He landed in the grass and began crawling around. I walked over to check him out and see what it was I had helped. I'm guessing I was a threat and it took off and flew at me, stinging me in the head. It was a hornet.
I will still help creatures out, this didn't thwart my generosity, but fuck that hornet.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Sorry to hear that sir/madam. Did you know that the more powerful the sting, the more aggressive the insect is?
Shits pretty fucked up there, mother nature.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Probably developed the other way through evolution though. Edit: I mean, *because* they are aggressive, they are more powerful.
My favourite example of Nature is this one:
http://www.gifsplosion.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/ant-jumps-on-spider.gif
BigBobsBootyBarn: That's a great gif. That seems it would fit perfect in Gladiator/Troy, but in insect version.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407956620 | 1408031124 | t3_2dgpd7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | peekykeen: TIFU by not kissing a bunch of guys
Contextually, it is important to know I have a "reputation" amongst my gaming circle. It would seem it's far worse than the truth, but I had no small part in becoming the house dice tray (too many people have had a roll with me) because of a streak of bad choices which I am glad to be past.
So now I have a boyfriend from that group and he's amazing. We laugh together and talk about heavy stuff without getting weird and I think it's fair to say we are heading towards mutual weirdness. There's just one problem: I can't kiss for shit. I haven't kissed as many guys as I've done other stuff with because kissing is very intimate and because tongues gross me out, but now I have somebody I actually want to kiss and I'm terrible at it.
He didn't want to tell me, but after our first not-peck kiss he had a quick half-chuckle and I dove upon it with every ounce of insecurity in me until he told me. Even then, he said it was cute that I hadn't kissed many guys before. I'm still mortified.
TL;DR: I built this horrible reputation as a raging slut, and I can't even kiss a guy properly.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: No worries. I was a terrible kisser before my current girlfriend too.
Just practice with him. Heads up -- it's *not* all about the tongue. However, sucking on his tongue can be pretty hot if you can get over your tongue-grossed-out thing. One step at a time though.
Really, you can just tell him you don't know how to kiss, and that you'd like to practice. I'm sure he'd be *glad* to teach you.
peekykeen: We haven't really progressed to tongue yet, mostly because when we start kissing I get worried because he'll chuckle and I'll stop
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Don't worry about tongue yet. Enjoy the young love.
Also, kissing upside-down in the rain is overrated. Heads up.
| 4 | 1 | |
1407958284 | 1408146971 | t3_2dgsm1 | t5_2to41 | 29 | Ratogiro123: NSFW TIFU by sharing porn on facebook.
So it happened today, on my birthday. I was watching the breaking news about the porn-star Christy Mack who recently got abused.
I haven't beaten the meat for over a week so I though it was time. I open a porn site, and start doing my job. I was on my Ipad, so it was difficult to control the page. It was so difficult that I accidentally clicked on the Facebook icon and it shared the link automatically. My butt cheeks clinched instantaneously and I started panicking.
Now i'm here, trying to delete the post and forget about it, but i'm pretty sure my parents and friends saw it.
tl;dr: Wanted to beat my meat and accidentally clicked the Facebook share button.
CautiousTuna: I don't even know why they have that option.
CaesarOu: Sometimes it's so good you just got to share it.
CautiousTuna: Ass so fat I need to send it to everyone.
CaesarOu: Omg this porn has a great plot along with some great plots. Sharing and tweeting this.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1407958749 | 1407967840 | t3_2dgtk9 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Beta_Male_: TIFU by trying to be more fit
I'll be using a throwaway b/c school.
**Backstory:**I'm a senior in highschool. Never had a girlfriend or ever been that close w/ the opposite gender aside from like 1 friend and family. I'm internally terrified of being any social situation in front of anyone. This fear is intensified w/ bigger groups.
So It's going to be Senior year and I feel like challenging myself in the last year both physically and mentally. In my school there are several types of gym classes. I take a class more intense than what i'm use to. I never work out and i am unfit. not in the way that I can't sit up, but in the way in that I can't do anything physically demanding w/o being worn out quickly. From what I've hear this class has more girls than males usually. I'm already on the edge about it, but I know a few friends that are in it. So I think to myself, "What are the chances of being in this w/o a single person I know." So I take the class hoping to get better physically and feel a bit better about myself. So school started this week, I go to my gym class. There aren't many people there yet, so I think maybe people are late. The teacher of this class goes up to me and says, "Oh, Hi (NAME), It's nice to see you in this class. but just so you know, you are the only guy in this class." As I hear these words, I almost had died of stress. And since I can't change my classes w/o paying and/or taking out classes I need. I'm stuck here for 2 semesters. I want out bad, I'm in a class that I know no one and being the only guy. I can barely interact w/ people of my own gender, this is hell incarnate for me. Surrounded by people that I feel are judging everything I do, and being in Gym. The only reason I'm planning on staying in this class is: Raise my fitness level & maybe if i'm dropped in the worst situation for my social phobia maybe it would go away. If my social fear becomes unbearable I'm planning on just shelling out 50bucks to get the hell out.
**TL;DR**: I'm surrounded by highschool girls all sweating and bouncing around. This is a bad situation
chitownbears: Hmm. I feel like your reaching out for advice. This post isn't really a fuck up at all unless you have zero interest in girls. Sounds like your putting the pussy on a pedestal and devaluing yourself. Talk to the girls, joke, find a common interest and talk about that. Also if your that bad talking to girls here is a trick. Ask them a question, when they respond comment on the last thing they said. That's a conversation.
Ex. You - Oh hey your wearing a Clemson t shirt are you a fan.
Her - yeah my dad went there
You - oh cool what did he study?
It seems stupid to give an example of a basic conversation but the key is to LISTEN to what she says and let her talk, while asking questions and providing input to seem interested/involved. Basic human shit that some people have trouble with and if all else fails go for the fat one.
kanavyseal: Man i sue the pussy on a pedestal reference constantly about all kinds of things, its actually great advice.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407958715 | 1408804436 | t3_2dgthy | t5_2to41 | 5 | KingJosephKony: TIFU by accidentally showing my mom porn.
Currently I'm 16 but really close to turning 17 and getting licensed, anyway I have been looking for my first car. I really liked the mr2 and subscribed to the MR2 subreddit a few days ago. This FU happened last night when I was sitting next to my mom on her couch. She sometimes looks over at my screen to see what I'm up to. Well I knew she was looking, so I said what do you think about this car. I clicked on the list of my subreddits and instead of clicking on MR2, I clicked on MILF. It took me a second to register wtf I just did. So my fist instinct was to just was to click on the drop down list of my subs again and click on mr2. well once again, I clicked on the wrong one once more, flashing my mom porn twice... I just got up went to my room and said i was going to bed.
JW1989: I feel like the real fuck up here is that you seem to honestly think that at 17 you will get insurance on an MR2! Think 1.3L Nissan micra lad...
KingJosephKony: Not considering one at this point
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407957375 | 1408464911 | t3_2dgque | t5_2to41 | 3 | Aaronsif: TIFU by trying a new salad
Decided to try a new salad for lunch. Didn't notice the dressing is chunky blue cheese. I HATE blue cheese!
HolleWalter: The horror!
Aaronsif: The struggle is real my friend
| 3 | 1 | |
1407960795 | 1407962532 | t3_2dgxfl | t5_2to41 | 138 | Peter_Griffin33: TIFU by eating Cheetos in class.
Went to studio class today. It was a long day and I missed lunch. So I got a bag of Cheetos from the machine. Naturally my fingers were cheesey and orange, and class was about to start, so I go to clean myself up. But on the way to the bathroom I was overcome with the need to pee. Like I almost lost it and went in my pants. I walk faster to the bathroom, and use the urinal. I was about half-way through my piss when I realize my cheese covered fingers are gripping my junk.
I panicked and somehow end up with urine on my hands. If you don't know, urine and cheese are a terrible combination and needless to say, my hands and privates were orange. I was still in the public bathroom and the urinal. I hurry over to the sink before someone comes in and start to wash my hands and dick. I grab paper towels and wet them and start wiping myself down...until I hear voices outside.
At that moment some guy opens the door while in mid convo with this girl, who stopped at the door to wait for him. He doesn't see me first, but she did. And she screamed. Loud. Screaming at me standing there holding my orange dick with my orange hands with orange paper towels. I just zipped it up and ran out of the building. I'm never going back to that campus.
dyse85: It ain't easy being cheezy.
AnonySeeb: http://imgur.com/xhcZh1M
| 3 | 46 | |
1407960637 | 1408012531 | t3_2dgx4r | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a discussion with my dad while editing a porn trailer.
Here's the deal. I'm fresh out of film school and I'm specialised in film editing. About two months ago I took on a freelancing job from an outsourcing website. The employer sent me a message regarding the work I would be doing and he told me that the content I'll be working on would be hardcore pornography. I considered it no biggie since I usually work at night (I still live with my parents) and I'm not offended by this type of content. It turns out that the payout is great for this type of work. I never told my parents what I'm actually doing though.
This morning, my dad told me that he's going to the mall and asked me if I needed anything. As I'll be going to the beach in two days and I'm out of deodorant, I asked him if he could buy me one from the mall. I've been out of the house the rest of the day and just got back around 10PM. While I was out, I got new instructions from work. I got home and I started working hard (no pun intended) on what was requested.
So here's my setup: I've got two 27" ~~cocks~~... moitors side by side on my desk and I use the left one for the video monitor window. I have forgotten about the monitor window on my left screen and I started browsing the interwebs on my right screen. Suddenly, my dad walks in and comes to my desk, hands me a deodorant and we start having a discussion about deodorant brands. He's telling me how one brand leaves a mark on his t-shirts and how he switched to another brand, we both agree that another brand is better, yada, yada, yada... we launch in a 5 minutes conversation about deodorant. Meanwhile, I do notice what's on my left screen as he seemed to have his gaze attracted in that direction. I go for a smooth recovery trying to alt-tab the shit out of my windows machine. He starts backing out of the room slowly and shuts the door.
As my dad doesn't know the user interface of my video editor I'm just wandering what went through his mind when he saw half of screen filled with bondage porn... I don't even know if he knows what bondage is...
Oh... monotony... how you make me fuck up.
TL;DR I'm editing porn. My parents don't know that. My dad walks in and I don't react for a couple of minutes and he just watches what's on my screen.
Update 1: He casually tried to bring up the porn industry today while we were eating lunch. About how their profits have started to fall since they started to use condoms. Turns out he just "read it in the paper" this morning.
StPatsLCA: Does he know you were editing it though? Seems like that'd be a little less awkward.
PosthistoricDino: >I never told my parents what I'm actually doing though.
Yeah...
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1407958807 | 1407961188 | t3_2dgtpk | t5_2to41 | 6 | hostileunit: TIFU by smoking what I thought was a nug of weed that I found on the back of my sock.
I was going to the bathroom and I saw a sock with a little nug of marijuana stuck to it so I smoked it because I was bored and just about to turn on a movie, Pitch Black. I usually smoke often, living in Colorado and it being legal here. It must of been old since it tasted horrible, I coughed my lungs out and then I realized it was a green ball of dense lint that seriously resembled marijuana strongly..
RottenLittleKid: Noob
Malamutewhisperer: I guess you about covered it.
| 3 | 2 | |
1407959201 | 1408033075 | t3_2dguh1 | t5_2to41 | 33 | GOfftimusPrime: TIFU by being way too awkward
This did in fact happen today but in all reality it is 6 days in the making.
So for the past 6 days I have been working a convention alongside a bunch of other people. One of the people I got to work with in my area was a really cute girl named Sarah who was in charge of the French speaking room. Over the time of the convention we talked a bit and seemed to really hit it off. She even knew what my tattoo is without me having to explain, which to me is a big deal (It's a combination of the rebels' and empire's logos from Star Wars).
Today was the last day of the conference. We had been chatting and whatnot as per usual and everything was fine. I decided that I should get her info so we could continue talking later on. As she was about to leave I walk up to her, fully planning on asking for her number. Here's where things went south...fast!
So to start the conversation I say: "All done for the day?"
She responds with: "No, I have a few more things in the other building to do"
So I respond with (This is where I fucked up): "Oh, well...have a great rest of your life!." Then I proceed to keep walking.
Not only did I fail to do what I set out to, I managed (based on the look on her face) to 100% weird her the fuck out.
tl;dr: Instead of getting the number of a really cute girl, I say something really awkward and weird her out
SpectacularVernacula: Yuh. You're one of those self-defeating passive-aggressive guys, I'm assuming. I once knew a guy who would be just like this with a girl. Heck, maybe you are him. Weak move.
GOfftimusPrime: Not usually. I was running off little to no sleep and just had a brain meltdown of sorts. Usually the only time I'm self defeating or deprecating is when I'm doing something comedy related.
SpectacularVernacula: So did you think the girl was too good for you, or can't you pinpoint why this 'brain meltdown' occurred?
GOfftimusPrime: No, not at all! I know had I managed to say what I wanted to say it would have worked. I'm usually quite confident in myself. I'm not 100% sure what caused my little fuck up. I'm sure my being super tired didn't help. I wanted to say one thing and my brain said NOPE.
SpectacularVernacula: Fuck nuts. That's really unlucky. You should try stalk her up, sleuth around perhaps...
GOfftimusPrime: I have been trying. With very very little success.
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1407958819 | 1407962057 | t3_2dgtqe | t5_2to41 | 4 | Jabberwobbly: TIFU by trusting my coworker to actually get things right, for once
We work for accounting/controlling for a large manufacturer, so this is really quite important to get right. My coworker (A) is a dimwit. In over one year of working for our department, he has managed to learn basically nothing.
Our boss knows this, so he asked me to look over his monthly reporting to the CEO to verify the figures. He told me I was in charge of making sure the figures are correct. A is in charge of exactly one project, compared to my 20+ projects, so I thought he might have gotten this one right, because very little stress, right?
So, his was one of the projects we needed to check, and I sat down with A and looked over his spreadsheet, which we use to keep track of orders, costs and revenues, and invoicing dates. There is one for every project, and it makes it easier for us to plan the figures in our SAP system. The sum of the *supposedly* new change orders was a *little* over 808K€, and I remember asking him if this was really true, because not much has happened in this project yet. He said yes, so that is what we put in.
Today, my boss comes to me and basically shouts at us that this figure cannot be right, but I assure him that this is what was in the spreadsheet, so it must be. He told me "well it better is, because I reported it to our CEO and if it isn't right, there'll be hell to pay" while looking at me. Gulp.
So I ask A and the person he prepared the spreadsheet for, H., if this can be right. H says "no way in hell can this be right" and we proceed to look over the actual order.
NOPE. A put in the necessary information, but, as it turns out, he puts it into the wrong spaces.
Instead of actually reading the document,which would have told him that this was a 30% down payment on the base order for multiple items, he just put in the lump sum of the order as an additional profit. And of course, asking for an explanation of what that order actually is for is beyond him.
H and I then went through the first item on the order with him, made sure he understood what he was supposed to do/have done, and I told him he better tell our boss that he messed up.
Now I am pretty positive that he will not do so that/has done so. It will be up to me to face the music, and all because I trusted him to actually get something right, godammit!
I dread going into work tomorrow.
Malamutewhisperer: Sorry your boss is a douche who expects you to manage a coworker AND pick up the slack.
Jabberwobbly: Thanks, it's nice to be validated. I felt guilty about being annoyed with my boss, because we are short-staffed, but then again...
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407962589 | 1407968353 | t3_2dh0ut | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking MDMA
rya11111: removed.
> All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday. These grew extremely tiresome and there was great clamor for their removal. So kindly post them on saturday only.
Malamutewhisperer: This is one of the funniest posts I've read in a while!
rya11111: well yea but its a rule and he can post it again on saturday
Malamutewhisperer: Let me explain...I have NO ISSUE with limiting the amount of excrement around here, I find it funny they are ok on saturday, and your final line "So kindly..." just struck me as hilarious. The wording gets me. Not really sure why...it just does!
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1407962640 | 1407965627 | t3_2dh0yk | t5_2to41 | 9 | Exiled_Fart_King: TIFU by farting in front of not only 1, but 2 cute girls im interested in at work
This happened just this morning...im still sitting here my desk reliving the moment over and over in my head and the fact that its only 1:30 just means that i have to sit her and stew in my embarrassment for another 4hrs. I had to create a throw away for this as i needed to talk to someone about this but didnt want it on my good upstanding reddit username.
The day started as usual... cup of coffee at my desk, reading the news and basically just getting ready to start my work day like i always do. I work in IT so basically my whole day is a lot of waiting around and really just working by my own schedule. Now on a typical day, thanks to my morning coffee, i have always have a 9:30 meeting in the men's restroom but on this day i decided i could push this off till a little later as i was reading something interesting at that moment and didnt want to be bothered to stop. That was my first mistake and the catalyst to the following problems. In mid-sentence as i read on, our very cute receptionist showed up in front of my desk. Now, its worth mentioning she gives me quite a bit of her attention. She often shows up at my desk to simply talk to me about her day and my day and weekend plans...whatever comes to mind basically. With that, there's some flirtation going both ways so i have a strong suspicion there's at least some interest on her side. I've yet to do anything about it because...i dunno, im a pussy and getting rejected by a co-worker would be pretty awful. In any case, I assumed as she stood in front of me that this would be another round of talking with some flirting laced in but it turned out this was work related...She ask me if i could carry some heavy boxes from her desk to another part of the office for her. Now, without thinking (im sure some of you know where this is headed) i happily agreed to her request. Im wearing a nice slim fitting T-shirt today so lifting some heavy boxes couldnt hurt my chances as that what muscles i do have would be accentuated by my short cotton sleeves, which i thought would be a win/win situation.
Confidently and with a slight swagger i cruise over to her desk prepared to woo her with my Thor like might. When i get there...DOUBLE BONUS!! Another co-worker of mine who is as attractive, if not more attractive, is standing at her desk as well. The boxes are stacked on top of each and i give the stack a little nudge with my hand, which causes the stack to sway just slightly. 1 box at a time would have been the safe and reasonable choice and quite frankly what I WOULD HAVE done had the present company not been what it was. But now i was given the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone by perhaps wooing both of them with my god like strength. My testosterone kicked in and common sense opted out. As i squat down to jimmy my fingers under boxes and prepare for the lift i feel a familiar feel...a feeling that i usually feel around 9:30. I panic for just a moment but my arrogance and alpha male mentality tells me im going to be fine and since im already in the squatting position and preparing to lift, giving up now is not an option. My leg muscles take over and begin straining to lift this load of what feels like concrete filled boxes when at that moment i feel it, the pressure of gas on my anus...the position...the leg and buttocks muscles all working together to show these ladies what pure unadulterated manliness looks like. Half way through my vertical life and at the most strenuous point is when it starts to happen...at this point nothing can be done. i trying to tighten up to hold it in or least hope that it slips quietly and cleanly but instead my tightened sphincter muscle only acts to amplify the sound similar to a trumpet player in killer jazz band. My Louis Armstrong impression invades their ears and changes tone as i switch from the half squatting to full standing position. The lift was tough but i did it. The moment of masculine triumph was completely ruined by an idiotic choice. Immediately mortified, i checked to see if maybe the commotion of the office hid the the sound of my ass trumpet. Unfortunately...no....Instead i locked eyes with the cute receptionist, who had a look of half disgust and half laughter, turning away to avoid eye contact with me. I didnt look at the other girl...but unfortunately this wasnt over yet. My 9:30 that was waiting impatiently like a torpedo in its tube was still there...the gust of gas that passed it on its way out wafted into the air and into the noses of the two girls that i was trying to impress with my show. All the might and sexual vibe i was trying to put out was thwarted by a simple normal bodily sound that lasted only a moment.
I've found there are no words than can undo, deflect or make this situation any better. I could of tried to make a joke out of it but in my embarrassment all i could muster was a "im sorry" to which I quickly walked away. I heard some snickering but its been pretty quiet since then. The absolute horror im feeling right now will not being going away anytime soon. I need to find a way to get laid off so i can collect unemployment and look for a new job...
TLDR; Went to help a cute co-worker lift and move some boxes and ended up farting mid-lift and stinking up the surrounding area not only in front of the 1 attractive co-worker but a second one as well. I hoped to take at least one of these ladies out at some point but after this, it looks like i just need to find a new job.
xwhocares3x: Should have followed it up with the wink and the gun.
Exiled_Fart_King: Bold, but both my hands were holding the boxes at the time. A wink might have been funny but for the wrong reasons. To make matters worse one of the girls walked past me about 15min ago to leave for lunch and didnt look or say anything to me. 3hrs to go....
xwhocares3x: We need to focus on the girl who half smiled after purged yourself. That girl was turned on enough to smile(cant fake facial expressions). Lets look at the bright side you could have shitted yourself.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407962390 | 1407978454 | t3_2dh0f3 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing a wrap dress
The day is still young, so I don't know if I'm done fucking up yet.
Woke up this morning and it was beautiful! Just gorgeous. So I'm wearing a wrap dress that hits right above the knees. In addition to the day being beautiful and sunny, it's also been very windy. And in addition to that, I don't wear underwear (it annoys me).
That being said, I have no idea how many people I have flashed. I tried, oh god I tried to keep my dress in a lady like position, but despite my best efforts, mother nature (bitch) won on many occasions as I walked all over downtown.
On the bright side of my fuck up, my lady parts are freshly shaven, so at least I didn't look like a hairy Amazonian wild woman.
tl;dr: wrap dresses easily unwrap in wind.
RocTheRipper: so what do you do on the first day you start your period every month?
rxcowboy: Be even more annoyed I'm assuming.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407963083 | 1407995906 | t3_2dh1vj | t5_2to41 | 862 | ChilboSwaggins: TIFU by releasing a science experiment from my bowels.
Like many of these stories, it didn’t happen today. It happened a few months ago and before becoming a reddit user.
Here goes..
It was half-price wing night at a local bar in my area, so me and a few friends did what any teenage male would and absolutely gorged ourselves on wings. Three pounds of hot n’ honey wings later, we departed ways.
Now... for those of you that don't know, irritable bowel syndrome or IBS is triggered by different things, for different people. My bowel evacuating kryptonite happens to be... wings. Seriously, there have been times I didn't make it past my first pound before I was running to the bathroom.
But this time was different, no symptoms during, or even that night. I was thrilled! I'm finally growing out of it!
The next morning came and I met my friends for our morning chemistry class.
Just as the clock struck 9:30, I could feel my stomach turning. I knew it was too good to be true; those sweet delicious wings were now wreaking havoc on my digestive system. I figured it would be like any other time I have a flair up, lots of gas, extra trips to the bathroom, maybe a little ring of fire. But this time was different.
My stomach felt like a hot air balloon, constantly filling to the point of no return. About 30 mins into the lecture, I feel a fart come on. Being the stealthy motherfucker that I am, and also having years’ experience with IBS, I knew how to handle this. I leaned to each side of the chair, spreading my butt, in order to make as little sound as possible. Just a small fart, I thought. It will at least get me through the lecture.
I release the tension and let rip as a slow hiss of swamp gas pushed its way out. I look around, hoping no one noticed, and no one did. Not the sound anyway.
About 5 seconds into release I’d realized the potency… and it was somewhere between rotting road kill carcass and a used diaper filled with spoiled meat. I look around in horror as the ventilation in the chemistry room has carried the noxious aroma around the entire class. At this point, the class of 50 are visibly nauseous, all blaming each other and are filtering their breathing through their shirts.
I feel another fart come on. Meh, I thought. Good a time as any, and let rip.
At this point, the class is so disrupted that our professor comes over to investigate. When he enters the seating area, you could literally see his senses get hit by a wall of rancid butt odor.
As he wades his way through stink he proclaims:
“There is no way a human created this smell. It’s not possible. As a professional in the chemistry field, I’ve smelt this before and it’s far too intense”
It was soo hard not to laugh, but I remained strong.
He begins to investigate by checking out all the surrounding classrooms, determining if they were performing any noxious chemistry experiments.
“Someone’s definitely working with sulphur!” he said confidently.
After failing to find the culprit, he begins to examine the vents.
“Maybe a dying animal has entered the vents?”
He hops up on a desk, and peers through.
“Yup! That’s gotta be it. It’s coming from the vents! I’ll call the cleaning staff”
He then proceeds to call a janitor to take the vent covering off.
All the while, I continue to rip farts. It was the funniest thing that’s happened to me that I also couldn’t immediately talk about.
After finding nothing in the vents, and as a last ditch effort, he turns on the emergency fume hoods, sucking all of the tainted air out of the room.
It has to go down as one of the best silent but deadly farts in history.
Brightside: Chemistry cancelled.
Downside: No more wings :(
TL;DR: I ripped a series of farts so heinous that it caused a professional chemistry teacher to question its human inception, while chemistry experiments and dead animals in vents were explored as the culprits. Class was cancelled, and no one was the wiser as to who really conceived it.
adamdabadboy: This is not a TIFU, this is a win!
xN01Rx: I second this! You released a lethal ninja made of gas that made sure to make the classroom his bitch.
LordFappingwood: Thirded. The hell you mean "no more wings," dude? Use this for humanity.
32Kachoo: Fourthded. Everything about this post deserves some gold! I'm surprised that it's not very upvoted!
holahmeds: Fifthed.
Is this getting annoying yet?
jmartin21: Fifthded*
| 7 | 123.142857 | |
1407965327 | 1407974052 | t3_2dh62u | t5_2to41 | 6 | preservedbrains: TIFU by farting really loudly near my boss.
TIFU by farting really loudly at my office job, with the boss sitting in the room next to me. What have you done that could be seen as embarrassing at work?
more_paprika: I've done that. I tried to distract her by yelling. I don't think it worked.
preservedbrains: "LOUD NOISES!!!!"
more_paprika: I was in her office so I was like "I THINK SOMEONE IS BEING LOUD IN THE KITCHEN!!"
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407964752 | 1407971031 | t3_2dh52o | t5_2to41 | 6 | thats_my_sandwich: TIFU by accidentally clicking like on an ex's bf's instagram picture.
Me and my ex have been broken up for over a year now. I've recently gotten into the habit of creeping her instagram cause I miss her (first mistake I know).
Well instagram has a feature that let's you see the pictures they are tagged in. So I continue my creeping and click on a picture that her bf took that's about 32 weeks old.
I go to scroll down but accidentally clicked like. I immediately clicked unlike, but he'll still get the notification.
Fuck this is awkward. Oh well.
SanguineHaze: Nothing good will ever come from creeping ex's photos / social media.
Repeat the above line ten times.
Then remove her from anything and everything, and stop causing yourself pain.
You *will* be better off for it. Nothing she does matters now.
thats_my_sandwich: I've deleted her from everything but her instagram is public. I know you're right though.
SanguineHaze: It really is the best solution my friend. You're only hurting yourself - and by dwelling on her, you're not out there looking for the person who will replace her. ;)
thats_my_sandwich: Word. Unfortunately, unrealistically high standards while studying engineering doesn't offer a lot of time or options.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407964979 | 1407966693 | t3_2dh5hl | t5_2to41 | 19 | YahHue: TIFU by sending a video to the wrong number
This happened about 10 minutes ago.
Basically, I was downloading some Videos via a somewhat shady site which is infamous for having some... inappropriate Advertisements. I had a slight chuckle at one of the ads because it looked so strange.
It was a GIF of a woman having her breasts slapped left and right by a rather small hand. I thought my reaction sounded pretty funny, so I wanted to share it with some friends on my Teamspeak Server and recorded it with my mobile phone.
So I sent the Video to some and here Comes the fuck-up: I don't have every number saved in my phone. I remembered sending a message to a guy I wanted to share the Video with, so I went to the recent numbers tab and clicked the number I thought was his.
When I ask him about his reaction he tells me he didn't get the Video.
That's when I first thought about to whom
I've sent messages recently. Then it hit me, it was my aunt's number!
She is pretty cool about stuff like this, she even caught my Cousin masturbating. I really hope this doesn't get brought up in the next family meeting...
Edit:FOR SCIENCE! http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=2chqa84%3E&s=8#.U-viKvmSz3Q
EnemySC: So... OP could you deliver a link? Just for scientific research of course.
Augenmann: I second this.
Science and stuff.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1407966818 | 1407972994 | t3_2dh8u1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: Tifu by throwing away a receipt
Ok so this just happened this morning and as I drive a truck and we can only fuel up at our shop(we have no fuel cards because we usually stay within 100 miles and never use a whole tank of fuel) I was in a hurry to get somewhere and didn't think I would need to fuel up. The trip was longer than I thought so I ended up having to use my own credit card for fuel because I was two hours away. If we use our own cards for some reason we have to get a receipt to show we actually bought the fuel. Anyway, I went into the counter grabbed a coffee and smokes and the fuel receipt. Proceeded to walk out the door and throw the receipt in the trash like I always do for small purchases and Totally forgetting that receipt shows I just put $547 worth of fuel in the company truck and now I don't have anyway to prove I bought fuel for them.
murphy0207: Show them your credit card statement.if you have internet banking you may be able to print it, rather than waiting for it to come through the mail.
..
Christophe14i: Good idea I do have online banking I can print out today's transactions. I'll go do that now
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407962384 | 1408030449 | t3_2dh0ek | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to lay to rest old demons in a positive way
TIFU My pregnant girlfriend is at work currently, or should be at least, i don't know she won't talk to me.
Way backstory:
Cheated on my ex (we'll cal her Ellie) for a month with this girl (we'll call her Bre), ended up getting real deep with Bre and been with her for over a year (pass judgement if you will, it was a confusing time in my life, and I had never cheated on anyone before, especially one i cared about with someone i desperately cared for and wanted to be with).
Less far back backstory:
Ellie got pregnant by her current man about 5 or 6 months ago, I found out through other people, good for her i'm happy she's happy.
Bre found out she was pregnant with my child about 3 months ago, it has been a hellacious roller coaster of back and forth, fuck you I hate you, dont ever leave me I love you, most extreme on both sides of the spectrum I've ever dealt with, from an already extremist-ultimatum kind of girl. We were already on the rocks before this happened.. i'm aware that hormones have a way of doing this to women, therefore my patience and understanding comes into play most of the time, i'm a level headed dude. (who can sometimes make poor judgement calls)
So here's where i'm at now: Today I Fucked Up (yesterday/yesterday night really) by giving my ex gf my current gf's phone number.
Ellie hit me up yesterday saying she found out Bre was preg and wanted to congratulate her and talk to her about baby stuff, let the past go and be a friend to someone who doesn't have a strong support system (mostly me) and could use the help. I know it's a brittle situation, but it's been a couple years and people need to let that shit go, and change their pace for their own good. A new perspective would be good for her, so I hesitantly gave her Bre's number.
Well, it was a pretty awful idea i guess, after Ellie hit Bre up to say hi (Bre already knew it was her, she has her number in her phone saved at Cuntface, idk why she kept it). She didn't get very far with her. Bre exploded on me all day. Ellie didn't understand, it's not her fault she was just reaching out trying to be a good person, Bre can be so stubborn. Later on that night, Bre and i started to get okay again, she just really really hates Ellie for whatever reason (i'm not 100 on everything that transpired between them, i just know it's easier for people like Ellie and myself to let things like specific details go). I ended up passing out at her place around 10:30 or so.
I awake at midnight, to find Bre sitting on the couch next to me fuming. She had looked through my phone at the conversation between Ellie and myself, and apparently saw some things she didn't like (I never look through her phone, the One time i did recently and one of the first things i see she was flirt/excited-talking to this dude i know is trying to get it from her and it pisses me off so bad, and she just brushed it off like it was nothing when i brought it up to her, eventually getting mad at me ab it... -.- ). Safe to say I drove home that night. All day today has been shit, us fighting about everything you can think of, i could go into specifics but use your imaginations.
Either way, c'mon man... i'm the fucking harbinger of peace, why do I get shit with this insufferable hatred.
tl/dr: my life is spiraling in a maelstrom of emotional clobbering from s/o and depression, da fuq mane..
flamedarkfire: Ain't no child worth the hassle of this girl. Get out while you can man.
Turtlepower777: I second this as this is most likely an abusive relationship in which there is an imbalance of power.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407967579 | 1408122748 | t3_2dha8h | t5_2to41 | 32 | pukeypants: tifu by pulling the fire alarm while I was completely nude
So what was suppose to be a normal Taco Tuesday night turned into a complete shitshow. Me and my friends were having tacos at our favorite spot and I was washing them down with some delicious beer. When we were done my friends decided to be spontaneous and hit up some bars that were close by. My dumbass drank way too much liquor so by the time we left I was stumbling everywhere and slurring like an idiot. On our way back to our place I threw up all over myself and in my friend's car. By the time we got to our place it had soaked in and I felt gross, so naturally getting naked felt like the logical thing to do. My friends were laughing at me the whole time with their phones out taking pictures while I was walking to my room. All of a sudden my stuff falls out of my hands I am about to bend over to pick it up when I see the fire alarm I didn't even think I just pulled it immediately and then I had the horrible realization of what I had just done. I'm out here completely butt-booty naked and everyone is about to come out their rooms and see me naked holding clothes that are covered in puke. I turned around and my friends were gone I tried to rush to get into my room but my keys were missing so I did the only thing I could put on my pukey pants. For the next half hour I was stumbling around in the courtyard looking for my friends (They told me later that they went straight to McDonalds). Somehow I found my keys and after they gave us the all clear I went to my room and promptly passed out.
TLDR; Got ridiculously wasted, threw up in my friend's car, got naked, and pulled the fire alarm in my building.
thenetkraken: This wasnt in New Jersey was it?
pukeypants: Nope this was on the west coast
thenetkraken: Our building had a "false alarm" at 4 am that same morning.
pukeypants: Hmmm very suspicious
| 5 | 6.4 |
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