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1407969268 | 1407970346 | t3_2dhdfs | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU while making out with my girlfriend I made her cry
I was at my girlfriend of two day's house and we were cuddling and watching Happy Gilmore on her couch. Pretty great. Anyways, we start making out and I'm leaning over her and decided it'd be funny to tickle her. She's ridiculously ticklish, so she totally spazzed out when I did it. She threw herself back and then she jumped back forward to get me back. At that same time I was leaning forward to kiss her some more and our heads collide at an incredibly high rate of speed. She started crying and now she has a big goose-egg on her forehead.
Damn I'm a great boyfriend.
trajon12: Shit happens bro. So long as you guys don't have any concussions, you should be okay.
jakeburton__: No worries man, I bought her gummy worms and she sucked me so it's all good.
Didgaridildo: yes, nothing says "I'm sorry" quite like gummy worms, nor "I forgive you" like a BJ.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407970480 | 1407974703 | t3_2dhfnm | t5_2to41 | 67 | TodoEsCumpleanos: TIFU by asking a girl out with a note
First post, so please, only kind insults.
The horrible fruit of this fuck-up was reaped today, but sown last week. I work for a university, and developed a small crush on a girl (medical student) in another building who works in a friend's department. I began swinging by for "coffee" (i.e. sheepishly making woo and spending precious few seconds with crush) pretty regularly. Ostensibly, I was there to see my friend, while I actually was plotting to get a few seconds alone with this girl so that I could ask her to, erm, spend more seconds alone. She's pretty quiet, and though I'm not, we both tend to get drowned out in conversation by her boss, my friend, and another person in the department who seems to be constantly incensed by something or another.
So one day, after a frustrating encounter in which we (crush and I) both sat silently while other people in the room took turns shouting about the outrage du jour, I decided to write her a note. I was pretty cute about it. Wrote it on a piece of paper from the legal pad I had at my desk, put it in an official departmental envelope, then slipped that into a big interdepartmental envelope to be delivered. Bureaucracy at its finest.
It showed up today. Her boss decided it'd be fun to have her read it aloud. I was very gentlemanly and upright with this note, but it still managed to piss just about everyone off. My crush was mortified, her boss went on a tirade about how staff members (me) shouldn't date medical students (her), and my friend had to basically play my attorney/PR rep for the rest of the day trying to mitigate the catastrophe. The boss, in a move I can either describe as overly maternal or overly 19th century, forbade her from dating me.
Also, her boss is one of my references on an important application I put in with another department. So, ya know, that's pretty neat too, I guess.
TL;DR Wrote a love (or 'like') note to a crush. Crush was then compelled to read said note to her boss and the rest of her department.
Update: Boss is somewhat sorry for the overreaction.
Clarification: Boss is female, and interested in men.
Clarification #2: I am in my mid-20s and am therefore--at the very most--3 years older than this girl.
IAMtheliquorRand: Dude...that is seriously harsh. You probably don't want to date someone like that anyway. Chin up mate!
mathdhruv: Wait, what? I don't see how this was the girl's fault...Why shouldn't he date her?
IAMtheliquorRand: > Crush was then compelled to read said note to her boss and the rest of her department.
Pretty cold. A simple "sorry I don't feel that way about you" in private probably would have sufficed.
mathdhruv: It's not like the girl had a choice. Her boss forced her to read the note out. Perhaps I'm missing the point but nowhere do I see the girl herself making a big deal out of this...
IAMtheliquorRand: I seriously doubt that the boss actively screens her employees mail. The crush must have told her about it. The boss is the true asshole but the crush could have just kept it private as it was intended.
mathdhruv: It was an interdepartmental folder, I would guess that those are usually delivered to the boss because they usually deal with important stuff. Plus, if the girl had already rejected the guy, the boss wouldn't have to 'forbid' the OP from dating her...
IAMtheliquorRand: I seriously doubt that he sent his crush a letter in an interdepartmental envelope with no name on it! And (according to the story) she hadn't outright rejected him yet. Further, only a cunty bitch would forbid two people from dating. What is this a freaking caste system??? This seems like a stupid argument, OP, any light you have to shed would be appreciated.
mathdhruv: I'm not disagreeing that the boss was a bitch. All I fail to see from your comments is how the crush in question was at fault for this.. I guess we'll have to wait for OP to clarify
| 9 | 7.444444 | |
1407971551 | 1407977731 | t3_2dhhib | t5_2to41 | 14 | throwawayforkatie: TIFU by giving my bf (now ex bf) head for the first time
So I don't like giving head. I've expressed that to him many times and he begs and begs. He goes down on me and expects me to do the same, which I don't think is fair if he's only doing it so that he receives head. He was really sweet today and romantic, so I figured I'd surprise him and I'd give him a blowjob in the shower together.
We get into the shower and we start making out, playing with each other. I tell him to close his eyes and I proceed to his penis. I put it into my mouth and he says he can't believe this is happening. This is where he becomes my ex. After about 10 minutes, he says he's fixing to go and I tell him to please not come in my mouth and tell me exactly when you're going to go so that I move away. He says "Nah, you're going to enjoy this." He starts thrusting his penis down my throat and comes. I was in shock during the whole thing. After he pulls out, I start vomiting in the shower and he goes "c'mon it wasn't that bad". I push him out of the shower and he lands on his ass outside the bathroom floor. He's all like "wtf is your problem". I start throwing my shampoo bottles and everything at him and he runs away from the bathroom and into the bedroom. I finish my shower frustrated, but more importantly heartbroken and in tears. I know our relationship is over after a year. I finish my shower, dress, and tell him to get the fuck out of my apartment and I never want to see him again. Long story short, he goes on the defensive, proclaims he's sorry, that I never give him affection, and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He starts begging and crying at one point saying he loves me, wants to marry me, blah blah. Eventually I get him out and he keeps trying to call me and text me. I just can't believe our relationship ended this way.
Hirraed: No, you guys are perfect for each other.
A crazy, selfish chick and a guy who doesn't respect the bodily autonomy of someone he loved. You belong together, on Jerry Springer.
BlueBoeuf: > tell me exactly when you're going to go so that I move away
I'd be upset if my SO treated my orgasm/ejaculate like something gross and something to be avoided.
He couldn't have finished on her chest or something?
Not defending him at all however, what he did though was utterly disrespectful.
Hirraed: He probably could have- you'd have to ask them, I wasn't invited.
As a chick, I think this is all looney. I love giving head, don't mind ejaculate, and my boyfriend absolutely hates giving oral back. Do I attempt to assault him in a hazardous environment if I don't get my way? Hell no. Do I expect him to give oral? No.
Do we try to work together to build a safe and trusting environment where we both may as well be having spontaneous orgasms? You bet your fucking ass.
BlueBoeuf: Exactly, assaulting her was just awful. Yeah I do think she is a little selfish overall, but she was going out of her comfort zone.
I wonder that if he hadn't done that but instead worked with her to make it a more comfortable experience, if it would have resulted in more reciprocation for him.
The not reciprocating might be a deal breaker for some but it's great that you two work with each other. You sound like you have a great relationship!
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1407969993 | 1408036210 | t3_2dhero | t5_2to41 | 17 | journeyman369: TIFU - I spilled coffee all over my shorts and the whole office thinks that I soiled myself.
I took a high dose of clonazepam because the day has been so stressful that I was staggering out of the bathroom, staggering to the coffee machine, and then I walked to my desk. On the way to my desk I tripped on a piece of plastic (they're doing some work on the building) and all of my coffee fell all over my shorts. The coffee is very black. All of the people were looking at me laughing, and this one bastard gave me a roll of toilet paper and told me to go back to the bathroom to wipe my ass, although the stain is clearly not on my ass but in front. These assholes made me feel embarrassed and I think that I should just fucking leave the office for the hour that is left until the end of my shift.
Ford_truck_lover: Its so stupid that people always assume you pissed yourself. Most grown men/women DON'T piss themselves! Use some common sense ya fucks! gosh its strange.
journeyman369: Just a bored bunch of co-workers who thrive in gossiping and trying to put people down any way they can.
Ford_truck_lover: Ah, high school XD
journeyman369: Yeah but this isn't high school - it's my job - but most of people in the culture where I live never left high school way of thinking :SSSSSSS
Ford_truck_lover: That never changes xD
journeyman369: It doesn't change in this country - they end up turning into geriatric teenagers who pick on each other until they kick the bucket :p
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1407971681 | 1408058589 | t3_2dhhr7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | liapia80: TIFU by mistaking hand sanitizer as lube
This happened about a year ago... Me and my ex , we will call him Steve went to the adult store to look around and ended up buying a bottle of peppermint lube. We got home and I took the lube to our room and put in on my nightstand. Well later that night my ex and I were going at it hot and heavy, and I decided I wanted to try out the new peppermint lube. Now I should mention this, I always keep a small bottle of hand sanitizer on my nightstand also and ironically. Its about the same size bottle as the lube. So here we r going hit and heavy and I reach for the lube, which should give me a tingling feeling, or so I thought.. So I just took the bottle and squirted a little bit on my cooch at which time I felt the worse burning sensation I had ever felt in my life. I'm in tears almost, and thinking why is peppermint burning like THIS. So I went to take a cold bath to wash it off, and after the bath I grabbed the bottle of "lube" off of the bed to read the ingredients... Low and behold I had grabbed the wrong bottle. Instead of the lube I grabbed the sanitizer by mistake.
Caddywonked: I cringed just from the title! Also, when reading the 'peppermint lube' part. My girly bits don't like tingly lubes at allll.
liapia80: Lol, my girly parts would of been ok with the tingle of the mint.. What it wasn't ok with was the liquid fire I poured on her
Caddywonked: Oh, definitely! I don't even want to think of hand sanitizer down there.
| 4 | 2 | |
1407975965 | 1407976852 | t3_2dhp5i | t5_2to41 | 9 | DEADBEEFDD: TIFU by shaving my balls.
Yesterday morning I was multitasking,
I put milk on the stove and then went
to the bathroom to shave, which in itself is not a good idea.
While sitting on the toilet I was listening to my iPod classic and began
to put on a landing strip. Approching take off I cut myself and propelled my iPod into the bowl, panicking I get up knocking my head against the mirror door.
So by this time I'm lying on the floor bleeding at multiple spots and confused as hell. After realizing what has happend I plan on getting my iPod and turning it off. Easier said than done, grabbing it out of the bowl I notice that I got no idea how to accomplish this trivial seeming task.
Sprinting to my laptop and getting blood everywhere I hold play on my ipod. Nothing happens. I figure out that I have to hold play and center, wait for it to boot up fully(which is an eternity for Apple products) and then turn it off. After 2 minutes or so I finally succeed.
Remember the milk from the beginning? Well me neither. But my alarm did and comes screaming at me while I'm disinfecting nearly giving me a heart attack.
You'll probably like to know if the iPod is working.
It does, but it displays a firewire not plugged in message from time to time (which makes sense I guess, since firewire isn't plugged in)
**TLDR:** Shaved balls while listening to music, cut myself, propelled iPod into the toilet, injured my head and burned my milk.
gigisalinas: Can things get any worse?
Jarbatalapus: The iPod could have been a Zune.
DEADBEEFDD: I wouldn't mind a broken Zune.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407971720 | 1408013768 | t3_2dhhtx | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing baggy trousers
I'm sitting down at a Chinese takeaway, happily waiting for my food, and notice that the buttons on my trousers had come undone because my trousers are way to big for me. I stand up to button my trousers back up, and midway through I'm caught staring right at a newspaper. Normally this wouldn't be too bad, but this newspaper was on page 3. The lady who took my order had just returned from whatever she was doing, to find me - stood there, buttoning my trousers after what looked like a quick jerk off by the till, aided by the fake tits on page 3. there was genuinely no way to explain, so eye contact was avoided during the next 10 minutes spent waiting for my order. I've never seen a face so shocked.
**TL:DR got caught buttoning trousers up after they popped out due to trouser size - which looked like a page 3 wank-fest at a Chinese takeaway.**
[deleted]: was it the sun?
Ihavenoimaginaation: most likely i remember seeing the ladies on page 3
[deleted]: I always thought page 3 naked ladies were always in the sun
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1407977101 | 1408025783 | t3_2dhqzh | t5_2to41 | 65 | ssphoenix5: TIFU- By making a cringe worthy phrase to a handicapped person
At the airport, assisting a passenger with no legs off the plane. To picture this imagine an express aircraft, small 40 seaters with even narrower isles, now imagine a sorta big women with no legs in a wheel chair built to fit in these planes. So fast foward after a grueling attempt to get her in the chair and out the door onto the ramp. She exclaims to me "you have me right, I wont fall out?" And my Immediate replay being "Don't worry ma'am I have you, just keep your hands and feet in the ride at all time"
After a brief moment of silence she says "I don't have any feet" and I just stop, and look for confirmation even though I knew she didnt have any, but was hoping she was kidding to save the embarrassment that I've brought upon myself. "I just mumbled something of an apology while she chuckles at me and says I'd like to get off the plane now. And on this day I knew that I had fucked up
chiikuroshitsuji: I bet you were stumped for a response.
Crimsonfoxy: With puns like that, you don't have a leg to stand on.
Ghost_Brain: You really shot yourself in the foot with that comment to her. These puns are a bit too far below the belt.
EndlessKillz: I think we all just need to walk away from this.
VOIPSupport: I think we should take a step back and kick some ideas around.
| 6 | 10.833333 | |
1407980512 | 1408012334 | t3_2dhwkf | t5_2to41 | 76 | uoenwr: TIFU by hitting an old lady
I don't pretend to be a fighter because I am not, but I am always down for a great workout. Recently, I enrolled in a boxing class at my gym. I'm also a runner, so I always run to and from my gym. Today I ran to my class. I spent like an hour hitting the bag, sparring with the trainer, and left really pumped. I'm still new to boxing, but I felt great, nearly invincible after the class.
I left the gym, put my headphones in, cranked up the music, and began my run home. (I normally run on the sidewalk) So, I'm feeling amped. I'm feeling amazing. I head home.
Along the way, I see a woman on the side walk. I couldn't run around her because the sidewalk was narrow, and the street was busy. I continued running, and before passing her, I say, "excuse me."
Here comes the moment I'm not so proud of. I thought she acknowledged me and would allow me to pass so I run in her direction aiming to get through. As I pass her, she shrieks. Loud. I was still feeling antsy from my class, and immediately without thinking throw a jab. I hit her... I didn't realize what happened until she started cursing at me, and yelling. Luckily, I didn't hit her hard, but my apologies weren't helping. She yelled, saying she was going to call the cops, and I got scared and panicked. I ran off, apologizing all the while. I am ashamed.
TIFU by hitting an old woman while I was running, and ran way afterwards.
meccanexus: I'm curious, what was the soundtrack for your headphones for the run??
*Move bitch, get out the way! Get out the way bitch, get out the way!*
uoenwr: No, LOL I was listening to "Eye of the Tiger", but that song is on my playlist!
pm_me_for_happiness: (dudududududududu) dun, dun dun dun!
| 4 | 19 | |
1407973457 | 1408019594 | t3_2dhkw8 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by deleting my professor's academic research
I am a student journalist and I am currently working on a summer project with a group of students. We use Dropbox to submit and aggregate all our content.
Today I was dropping edits for my professor/editor and the Dropbox was full. Someone had dropped 1.2GB worth of video for some dumbass reason, we usually transfer video via hard drive because it takes so much space.
Well anyway, I've never used Dropbox intensively before and I told my professor, who was working from home, that I couldn't submit it and I would just email her the edits.
She told me no, after she had already received the edits, and that I had go in and clear out my personal Dropbox. I don't use Dropbox ever so I was confused. All I saw was the stuff from our project. I assumed after being told twice to delete some personal stuff that Dropbox must make copies of the files on my screen and those are my personal files. Like the files I was seeing weren't the originals.
So I went through and deleted her research folder and that video folder (largest folders).
Fifteen minutes later, I'm on the phone being yelled at to fix it. My responses are just "Yes" and "Okay."
These research files were to be used in her report to the department to show how successful the program was and to be used in her report. It would allow her to do it next year.
To clarify, I was not using the desktop version of Dropbox. I didn't want to.
I quickly grab someone's computer who did and I manage to save all but four of the files.
Her husband walks in, having just got off the phone with her and said to not worry about it and that he'll fix it. I tell him I managed to save most of them in case.
Twenty minutes later, he managed to restore the files in the Dropbox folder.
He was pretty chill about it and everything worked out. He even said he would have never used Dropbox for a project like this.
Normally, I am pretty good with computers and understand most things to the point people in my office will ask me IT questions for whatever reason. I just rarely use Dropbox.
I'm probably going to get chewed out again tomorrow, worst part is she does all of the yelling and conflict-resolution stuff in the Facebook group. So everyone knew what was up even though I refused to post in her message. I just called her.
TL;DR Almost ruined my school project by not deleting shared files in Dropbox, thinking they were personal files. But, we were able to restore the files. Had my rare full-retard moment.
myfrenchisterrible: Jesus, at least it's a good PSA. **Always have backups.** I have my stuff backed up on 3 different hard drives. Honestly though, a Prof should know that
[deleted]: A good STEM professor would know that. I don't think journalism profs would be that smart to.
herdiegerdie: In all honesty, it really depends on which professor we're talking about here...
| 4 | 3 | |
1407982457 | 1414271599 | t3_2dhzps | t5_2to41 | 154 | thespudbud: TIFU by laughing at Pearl Jam
My friend and I always make fun of the song "Better Man" by Pearl Jam, because it just sounds funny. It's just the way he says it, it's like "bettuuuhhmmaaAAAAnnn!!!" So it's a running joke between us, and whenever we hear that song we crack up for a minute and then change the radio station or skip to the next song. We've been like this for years now, and we never get tired of laughing at it.
Fast forward, my friend and I were sitting next to each other in a Sociology 101 class, and the instructor was showing us a video. The video was a montage that was depicting and showing the horror of abuse towards women. Clearly, a very serious and mature subject matter.
But there was a big, BIG problem... the background music for the montage video was none other than "Better Man" by Pearl Jam.
My friend and I start snickering a little bit, causing some nearby classmates to give us a little stink eye. We are trying so hard to control our laughter. We knew this wouldn't end well. We knew what was coming. Once the song got to the first "bettuuuhhmmaaAAAAnnn!!!", the dam burst. We laughed like mad hyenas.
Up until now, the whole class was borderline in tears, distraught by the strong imagery and touchy subject matter. Now, every eye in the room is on us. Obviosuly not knowing our inside joke, the sadness turned into utter anger towards us. To them, we were laughing at abuse towards women, and they were not happy. And I don't blame them one bit. We knew what we were getting into. A few seconds and about 40 angry stares later, we composed ourselves and quieted down. The instructor saw it all, but didn't pause the video, and just acted like nothing happened. But from the look in her eyes, we knew that we were now on the radar, big time.
Knowing we couldn't bring ourselves to show our faces in that class ever again, we both dropped the class later that day.
TL;DR - Laughed at a video in class depicting sexual abuse on women due to Pearl Jam soundtrack, promptly gained 40+ enemies, dropped class.
Infant_Infidel: The song is actually about a confused Eddie Vedder wandering around his kitchen, trying to find a spread for his freshly-toasted toast... "Cayn't fuh-eyend the ***buttah***, maynnnn!!"
OhLongJohnson90: I thought he was saying "Can't find the vituhmaaaaans"
Infant_Infidel: Wow. You're getting an upvote, simply because you commented on something I wrote 2 months ago.
I wish I could give you another for the quality of the comment.
OhLongJohnson90: I am REALLY procrastinating right now...to the point where I'm typing terms like 'Pearl Jam' into the Reddit search engine.
What am I doing with my life?
Infant_Infidel: The friend that used to sing "can't find the buttah man!" with me started a Pearl Jam cover band called Opal Marmalade.
| 6 | 25.666667 | |
1407948283 | 1408001815 | t3_2dg91d | t5_2to41 | 8 | MagneTismen: TIFU by changing our proxy server
So I work mostly in sales but recently got the job of redesigning our web page. Not too familiar with front end development as I am I sat about to start learning everything about CSS and HTML. As I learn more I receive more approval from the IT department and I'm granted admin rights. Bad idea.
See, I have to update the software that we use on our server. And in order to do so I need to make basic updates of the server itself. Cue me following a guide online when I'm a little bit too tired and ready to go home and I simply do the steps without really thinking about what they mean. So when I come to the step where it says:
> export https_proxy=http://exampleproxy.com
I simply type this into the terminal without checking what our current proxy is.
So now our server is down and the other IT employees aren't scheduled until friday.
TL;DR: Good jaaaaaab
65a: if this is in a unix-like shell, just type 'export https_proxy=' followed by the correct value in single quotes.
if there is no correct value, just type that up to the equals.
MagneTismen: Yeah, problem is I don't know the correct value :) I thought I'd try resetting the proxy but I don't know how to do that :)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407982811 | 1407985039 | t3_2di0a4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Megs2606: TIFU by having a spliff in the bath
I've been waiting for some time off work for ages. I've finally got my 2 weeks off, so I decided to have a lazy day. About midday, my flatmate text me to say he'd left a spliff for me in his room.
I decided to make the most of my time off, and have a bath for a change. I then had the further fantastic idea of having said spliff in the bath. It was glorious sat there, spliff in hand whilst watching Hemlock Grove on my Ipad. The most relaxed I've been in days. About a half hour later, I could hear my phone going off in the other room.
I hoisted myself out the bath, wrapped a towel round me and went to grab my phone. The missed call turned out to be from my dad, but when I called him he didn't answer. Normally, I make a point of only smoking in mine or my flatmate's room. This way, if anyone comes round they'll be none the wiser. (I think my dad has known that I used to smoke weed, nut he's never outright confronted me and I think he likes to pretend I don't/ didn't.) Next thing I know, there's a knock at the door. My stomach drops out my ass as I open the door to find my dad stood there.
Pleasantries are exchanged as he grabs his mail (he used to live here) when all of a sudden he stands stock still with a weird look on his face.
DAD: who's smoking THAT shit??
ME: ... What shit??
DAD: weed.
ME: no-one...
DAD: it stinks of it in here!
(Now in a blind panic I threw my flatmate under the bus here as a) he wasn't home, and b) he and my dad have never met.)
ME: well, unless flatmate has been smoking when I'm not here??
DAD: I've told you, you have to keep this place clean!!
ME: well... It IS clean...
(I literally just cleaned the flat from top to bottom yesterday. Throughout this exchange I am praying he doesn't need to use the loo as the bathroom REEKS.)
DAD: yeah, well just remember it's YOUR home you're risking here.
He then left without another word, not a goodbye or anything. He hasn't spoken to me since. NOT GOOD. I am literally kicking myself that the one time I break my bedrooms only rule is the day when my dad decides to pick up his mail...
iQuestion_: There is nothing wrong with smoking pot.. Why is weed such taboo to mainstream society?
It's like everyone is always after the shit that doesn't matter, meanwhile they are letting the real problems slip through their fingertips..
P.S. I hope everything turns out well for you and your dad.
Megs2606: Personally I have no problem with people smoking weed, and never have. Aside from the fact that I smoke myself, the majority of weed smokers do it in the comfort of their own home, not causing problems for anyone else.
I think for my dad it's a case of worrying about me taking other drugs, and wasting my money in the process. As it stands I have zero interest in other drugs whatsoever, and I hardly ever drink either.
| 3 | 3 | |
1407985462 | 1408160911 | t3_2di4ac | t5_2to41 | 133 | imyownpeople: TIFU by wearing a scarf in a Muslim grocery store.
I didn't do my hair so I wrapped it up in a scarf. I decide to go to the 24 hour grocery store. It's in a very Muslim neighborhood, I walk into it and am immediately greeted with hijab after hijab. I realize my boof. So I'm very uncomfortable, not because of them being Muslim but because I look like I'm Muslim with the way I'm wearing the scarf and my complexion. I'm just trying to get some groceries, everything is cool until I start getting some very strange looks. My scarf is sliding off and my hair is coming out. Instead of being like 'whateva im not Muslim' I go into panic mood and try to whirl that shit around my head like a turban. Im getting all sorts of stinkeye. There's a guy in line who is just looking at me like I'm scum of the earth. I see a kid point and his mom, in a hijab, shuushes him and walks quickly away. It was very uncomfortable.
Ounceofdope: sounds like you had a hijab of a day
darryshan: Allah ow it.
EDIT: Did I Mecca you angry?
Ounceofdope: Al qaeda you the credit on that pun jab
darryshan: Imma go to Burkha King, anyone want anything?
Ounceofdope: yes ill have an allahu akbarger
| 6 | 22.166667 | |
1407986473 | 1408362217 | t3_2di5va | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU By Going to the Wrong Dentist
To begin with I've never had much luck with dentists. My last dentist, "Unfriendly Dental," called my grill "Bubba Teeth" and "Not the worst ass on the horses mouth" while I was in for fillings. I left that dentist behind and decided to brush and floss after every meal to avoid the dental office altogether. I also got braces with a friendly Orthodontist, "The Dude," but he doesn't perform dental cleanings.
So fast forward 2 years later where I fuck up. I decide to get a cleaning. Its just time. I choose a dentist at random that is near my home, "Apocalyptic Dental." They seem nice until they tell me I have 2 cavities in my rear top molars that need fillings, 2 that need monitoring on the bottom, and I need a deep cleaning. I give the go ahead until the nurse comes out and doubles the amount of cavities, which totals out to $300. The wheels in my head start turning. Why didn't my Ortho, The Dude, ever mention anything. He looks in my mouth every other month for braces adjustments. I have great oral hygiene. I brush and floss 3-4 times per day like a maniac. I look over at the x-rays and I don't see any cavities. I get out of that chair and tell them I was getting a second opinion. Then the dentist says it might just be staining. They tell me there is no charge for the exam, but end up billing my insurance anyway. The nurse says that she "does not have the energy or staff to give me a copy of the x-rays," but eventually concedes to email them to The Dude. I doubt she sent them...
But fuck my appointment with The Dude isn't until the end of the month, so I make an appointment with "Kick Ass Dental" instead. It turns out I never had any cavities, according to 2 dentists and a pro hygienist on location. I didn't even need an expensive deep cleaning. They couldn't believe shady practices like this existed. Anyways, I learned a valuable lesson. Follow your gut, get a second opinion, and save $300. Shady business' just want your money.
[deleted]: Wow, fuck those people. If you're as angry as I am about this, write a letter of complaint to the state medical board. They would love to know a shady asshole dentist is trying to get people to undergo unnecessary medical procedures.
[deleted]: It just gave me a headache and kept me up at night thinking that my teeth might be rotting away. I just want others to know that places like this exist, and to be wary. Luckily my new awesome dentist took me in an hour after I called, and alleviated my concerns. I can start school with my pearly whites. :-D
[deleted]: Yeah man, I'm glad it worked out for you and you thought to get a second opinion. Even better would be getting that dentist stripped of his license so he doesn't rip off and drill countless other naive patients!
payattentionimsmart: I'm not one to sue for anything, ever, but could you sue this dentist and get money? Seems he should pay you $300 for calling his bluff!
Really though $300 isn't worth the trouble...
But if it were more, would it be possible?
| 5 | 9 | |
1408022137 | 1408023045 | t3_2di7xe | t5_2to41 | 4 | Yung_Don: That's probably fair.
Edit: P.S. "Don" is a reference to a sports team, I don't think I'm a mafia boss.
Ford_truck_lover: Sorry that was aggresive xD but ur still a dick lol.
Yung_Don: Thing is this is like the only time I've treated someone so badly. I'm actually a decent guy, think this is probably me trying to reconcile myself with this behaviour.
Ford_truck_lover: well hey we all do stupid shit hahaha!
| 4 | 1 | |
1407986757 | 1408069857 | t3_2di6co | t5_2to41 | 2,145 | Chukklzz: TIFU by accidentally committing grand theft auto
This has been a great week of fuck ups for me so far. So after a very long boring day of work I'm getting a ride home from one of my co-workers, let's call her Mary. So as we leave our place of work we have to go down a very narrow side street that has always had lighting issues. Mary drives a 1996 Buick with like a million fucking miles on it and it has a tendency to break down. So as we're headed home down this narrow dark street, it fucking breaks down. She doesn't have triple A but luckily her dad is a retired cop and has some connections for a towing company. Mary says I should get a ride from one of our other co-workers who is also about to leave work, let's call her Beth. Mary turns her hazard lights on and we wait in the car for her dad and Beth to arrive while I try to keep her in good spirits by singing along to some thug ass trap music (don't judge me).
Some cars start piling up behind us and I cautiously guide them past Mary's car in this shitty narrow street. It looks like there's no more traffic so I get back in the car. Shortly after I get a text from Beth letting me know she's almost there. Beth's car pulls up behind Mary's Buick and I'm slightly blinded by her high beams (god damn it Beth). I say bye to Mary and proceed to walk towards Beth's car. I try to open the door but it's locked. I'm a pretty sarcastic and playful guy so I decide to put on an angry face, tap on the glass, put my hand through my hoodie like I'm pretending I have a gun in my pocket and yell "OPEN UP!" through the window. This all happened while I'm still seeing spots from Beth's fucking high beams, and please remember it's pitch fucking black out on this street. The door unlocks, I open it and jump in.
**Me:** Hey, sorry I had to get you out here I really appreciate it.
**Beth:** Wha- What do you want? What are you gonna do? Please, just please don't take the gun out!
It was it this time that I realized Beth is not in the car with me, this is not Beth's car, this lady thinks I'm going to kill her, I fucked up.
**Me:** Oh my god, oh my god. I've made a huge mistake ple-
**Not Beth:** (As the trap music is still on full blast) ARE YOU IN A GANG!? Please don't call that other person over, just take the car if you want it please just take my keys and go!
What are the chances that this fucking lady happened to drive the same damn Blue 2006 Nissan Maxima as Beth? Why did she have her hair in the same fucking style and color as Beth? WHAT THE FUCK!?
Thank god at this time Mary's dad pulls up behind us. I get the hell out of the car and explain to him what happened, while at the same time this lady is bawling her eyes out asking for help. Luckily as I mentioned before Mary's dad is a retired police officer and is able to calm her down. Before she leaves I try and go apologize but she wants nothing to do with me and speeds off.
TL;DR: What the fuck Beth? What took you so long?
Edit: Grammar.
throwin_pennies: Should've just gone with it. Free car!
willie_a: And free prison food! Win/win!
guess_the_acronym: And new prison buddies!
[deleted]: And free showers and soap!
DilbusMcD: DON'T DROP THAT SHIT!
ssjkriccolo: the floor dirty or something?
[deleted]: Yes, and it needs you to clean it. Now Bend over...( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
SirFappleton: Go on...
[deleted]: *FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY*
TechnoGarrett: [Relevant](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2dk3yr/tifu_by_discovering_my_vagina_nsfw/)
| 11 | 195 | |
1407988318 | 1407989418 | t3_2di8qt | t5_2to41 | 13 | jedavis1444: TIFU by not helping my girlfriend when she was in a car accident
So my girlfriend was in a car wreck today. I happened to pull up right behind her (it happened at the entrance to school) so what did I do you might ask? Well, I will now tell you. I literally just sat in my car, trying to figure out what to do. My girlfriend was in a car wreck and I didn't even get out to help her. I realized the folly in my ways only when the highway patrolman told me for the fourth time to pull around (because I wasn't a witness or some shit like that). What's worse is that the patrolman didn't tell me this like 30 seconds after I pulled up. It was literally a good 10 minutes. I am literally the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends.
cafecoder: Yep you are a dick bf. Congrats !
jedavis1444: Thank you, it really makes me feel good to know my accomplishments are being recognized.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407989797 | 1408031602 | t3_2dib1s | t5_2to41 | 15 | chicken_based_lube: TIFU By getting high and going to the store with my girlfriend.
So my girlfriend and i smoke a fat ass blunt and we get the munchies. A short drive later and we are at a store. I walk around for a couple minutes collecting my supplies and head to the register to pay with my girlfriend in tow. I pay first and walk ahead while she pays for her stuff and she drops her credit car about 5 times while trying to swipe it, Cashier is just staring, probably thinking "wtf is this bitches problem" and i start giggling.
Not wanting her to see me laughing at her silliness i turn around and start laughing harder. Not wanting to seem like a crazy person laughing at nothing i pick up a news paper and stare at the front page while lauhing my ass off for a good 10 seconds before i realize what I'm staring at. Front page is a full page picture with Robbin Williams picture on it with the headline "Hanged".
At this point its too late though and 5 people waiting in line plus my girlfriend see me laughing hysterically at a story about Robbin Williams hanging himself. I was too high to try to explain myself so i just turn around and walk out while feeling their disgusted stares burning a hole into the back of my head.
I still got sex at the end of the night but i probably cant show my face at that store for a few weeks.
Edit: I live on a ranch and the store is a mile away, I drove the golf cart that the maintenance use to get around our property so stop messaging me about how I should go to jail. If someone gets hit by a slow moving golf cart They deserve to get hit and reflect on their shitty reaction time
BerryGuns: You are a complete cunt for driving while high
Crab_sticks: Don't know why you are being downvoted
BerryGuns: Probably for calling him a cunt but I don't care. It's an incredibly selfish and irresponsible thing to do. It shouldn't be even remotely acceptable.
chicken_based_lube: Why don't you go ahead and read my edit
BerryGuns: Yes well done you now changed your story to one that makes what you did legal. Funny how you wouldn't mention that initially
chicken_based_lube: I didn't think what I drove was relevant, I've gotten about 20 messages calling me a monster though so I figured I'd save people some time and clarify
BerryGuns: fwiw I actually found the story funny btw
chicken_based_lube: http://www.txdmv.gov/motorists/buying-or-selling-a-vehicle/off-highway-vehicles
Speed limits 25 so it's perfectly legal, I wouldn't be driving it down the street in Dallas though
BerryGuns: Alright, still driving while high is illegal lol
chicken_based_lube: If nobody saw did it really happen?
BerryGuns: Since you have posted about it yea
| 12 | 1.25 | |
1407989356 | 1408071203 | t3_2diadf | t5_2to41 | 10 | tymaishu: TIFU by not double-checking my laundry...
So this happened about 15 minutes ago, and I am still kicking myself for being so stupid.
Anyways, I was doing my laundry like I always do, only I wasn't paying much attention and it slipped my mind to go through my pockets. Usually I would check and find some money that I left in there or maybe my keys or something that generally I wouldn't want to run through a washing machine and then a dryer.
Well today it wasn't something as simple as a few coins or a twenty dollar bill, but an almost full tube of Locktite Copper Anti-seize. For those of you that don't know, anti-seize is a type of metal lubricant that usually has flakes of metal like aluminum or copper in it.
Well, it ran through both cycles and I have ruined every single article of clothing. They all have huge, blotchy, sparkly brown stains that, according to the internet, can never be removed completely.
To make matters ever so slightly worse, I just donated a bunch of old clothes that I didn't wear much anymore, so now I have an even tinier wardrobe. I guess no good deed goes unpunished...
TL;DR Did some laundry, ruined some laundry
Speed2much: I'm about to donate some clothes if you want them
tymaishu: Thank you!
What size? Male or female? and where about do you live?
(feel free to PM me)
Speed2much: Size large/ jeans are a 34/34. Male. And Washington
intuitivemomma1: What part of Washington, we're in Arlington and ny SO wears that size. He owns 2 pairs of jeans.
Speed2much: Poulsbo.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1407990866 | 1407991115 | t3_2dicnf | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on my ex's Twitter page
This isn't a throwaway because fuck it.
Today I've been feeling kinda mopey and shit. Its the first day of school and about twenty times I saw my ex in the hallway, and every time I saw her my heart broke a little. It was two months ago on the 15th that I broke up with her, and I just haven't felt right since.
Now flash forward to tonight. For some reason I just had this little itch in my head telling me to go on her twitter. Turns out scratching that itch was the wrong choice.
I just felt fucking devastated when I went on there. She has a new boyfriend now, and they are just so happy together. I'm happy for them, yes, but I feel like a two ton piece of shit because I don't think I made her that happy ever. Turns out I was wrong. I scrolled down a bit and found a tweet from before we broke up. To paraphrase it, "I've been with the same guy for a while now, and I still get butterflies every time."
And this point I'm just fucking crying. I'm a Junior in High School now, and up until her I was never in a really committed relationship. Even now I still care about her, and that my little bout of depression was no reason to break up with her. I miss her so much Reddit, and I don't know how to get over this breakup two months later.
TL:DR; Read Ex's Twitter, crying cuz I miss her i think?
Tks23: You'll get over it, you are only a Junior in high school. Odds are you will never see her again after high school
Knarz97: I know, but I have to see her every day for the next two years and In band. It'll be hard but yeah I should be fine.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407989101 | 1408059144 | t3_2di9zb | t5_2to41 | 12 | WhisperOfGinger: TIFU by underestimating the shadiness of the pool's ancient pipe system and thus nearly died
TIFU: I'm 19 and have been lifeguarding at this particular pool all summer, but was recently promoted to manager (when the last one left.. abruptly). Trying to be a good little manager, I went into the filter room to clean the filters. Our pool is over fifty years old, so there's a lot of heavy, rusting, ancient plumbing. However, all went well and I managed to drain, clean, and begin restarting everything without difficulty. The problem came just after I finished refilling the pit in which our filters are situated. The fresh refilling water roars out of an L-shaped plastic pipe of maybe 6-7 inches in diameter and down into the pit--at pretty high pressure. "Gee," I think, "I'd hate if one of these pipes burst. It'd probably kill me." But no incident. I take hold of the closing lever, begin to pull it closed--And an explosion like a massive shotgun going off followed by several smaller (relatively) bangs and ricochets. Choice words escaped me as my body leapt back out through the door and carried me away. Soon, though, the only sound was the rush of water. I crept back in. The short, downward-pointing arm of the L had been blasted straight down into the pit; a few smaller chunks of thick plastic pipe were flung around the room. Not one of them hit me. Reflexes or angels, I don't know. But I'm making one of the city maintenance workers come with me tomorrow when I have to clean the filters... Again.
TL;DR A bit of old pipe thought it'd be cool to explode in my face
baozichi: This doesn't sound like TIFU. Sounds like "Today I got lucky". There's no way you could have predicted or caused this.
WhisperOfGinger: Thank you, I actually didn't know that was a thing. Cheers!
| 3 | 4 | |
1407992129 | 1407994478 | t3_2diedw | t5_2to41 | 8 | PM_YOUR_MAN_MEAT: TIFU by sharing my music with my friends and family...also my ex
Let's just set the stage, shall we? I use Beats Music for my primary outlet for downloading and listening to music. Yes I pay but I don't care what you think. So in this app you can have people follow you and you can share any songs you enjoy with these people.
Now for the fuck up. So my ex and I just recently broke up and it's still heavy on my mind so, understandably, I've been listening to the kind of breakup music you would expect.
There was one song that came on that was just perfect for how I'm feeling. I went to share it on Facebook without a second thought. A few minutes later I got a very annoyed text from my ex. I had forgotten that he had followed me on the app so when he got a push notification that I shared and then preceded to overreact because it had appeared that I had just sent him a song to make him feel bad. I have no bad feelings toward him but it was the worst decision he's ever made to break up.
Not the biggest fuck up I've ever made but this is the first time I've thought of posting it while it was still relevant.
smallpoly: So what was the song?
PM_YOUR_MAN_MEAT: It was Leaving You by Audien
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407992252 | 1408053432 | t3_2diejz | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by snooping around my parents' room
So today my parents took my phone away, and I decided I would take it back to text my lady friend (nudge nudge). As I was looking through their drawers, I found a jar FULL TO THE BRIM of weed. Immediately, I was in total disbelief. My parents had been telling me to not smoke, but here was their own personal stash of grass. I eventually found my phone and told my brother about my discovery, but I digress; what does reddit think I should do? Do I confront them about it or just let it sit? TL;DR found parents' weed, told brother, not sure what to do.
EDIT1: I am not interested in smoking.
Ford_truck_lover: They are gorwn adults and are probably responsible enough to smoke it up every now and then. Be happy for them for havin some fun I guess hahaha! They probably dont want you to smoke because regardless of what people think, its not a health food and it usually doesnt lead to anything good at an early age. My opinion(only bc u asked for one) is to let it go and be happy your parents are secretly chill mofos.
plasticimpatiens: yep. op, your parents are grown ups and can make grown up decisions lol. but it isn't good for a developing mind. i would let it go for now, because honestly you would probably just get in trouble for snooping lol.
bring it up in a few years when they can't punish you anymore. the look of their faces will be priceless.
Ford_truck_lover: exactly!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407993297 | 1407993903 | t3_2dig0c | t5_2to41 | 8 | BleuVertigo: TIFU. Why do swim shorts have pockets?
So this just happened a few hours ago. After just reaching master rank in bo2 league play I was pretty pumped so I decided to hit the pool. Put on my shorts put my brand new iPhone in my shorts pocket. Without thinking jumped in the pool then realizing the horror of what just happened I panicked, rushed to the pool stairs, slipped, cut my knee open then cryed out in pain while my brother just laughed his ass off. So much for being a master....
So I gotta ask whose idea was it to put pockets on swim shorts?
WWLadyDeadpool: Did you have the insurance?
BleuVertigo: No sadly, the worst thing about it is I just got the phone yesterday.
WWLadyDeadpool: You haven't tried to turn it back on have you? If you don't try to turn it back on, the rice will work.
BleuVertigo: Yes
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1407937791 | 1408020671 | t3_2dfq5q | t5_2to41 | 4 | Khad1013: TIFU by sending my sister an SOS text
Some background, I recently upgraded from the Galaxy S4 to the S5, which has this cool emergency feature when you press the lock button three times. You set up who you want the texts to go out to, it gives out your coordinates, a front facing picture, a rear facing picture, and sound of what was going on when you pressed the button. I decided it was a good idea to add my boyfriend and sister, just in case!
So, for our anniversary, my boyfriend rented us a room on the beach. We were about to start some sexy time when I decided I wanted some background music. I pull up spotify, lock the phone, and put it on the nightstand. The music stops and there's a new notification. "EMERGENCY DECLARED". *ooohhh no....*. Knowing that it takes pictures, I quickly try to get it away from my boyfriends junk, and away from me. I saved his dignity, but it was too late for me. A picture of my nipples in fishnet lingerie was sent to my sister, along with whatever sound was going on. I called her, and no answer, I texted her to ignore that SOS.
Needless to say, the moment was ruined. Everytime we tried to get back into it, we would laugh, so we just sat back and watched shark week. All in all, it was a good trip!
** Edit for tl;dr: ** put music for sexy time, sent SOS text to my sister that included picture of my nips. Night ended with watching Shark Week.
katten777: Did she end up saying anything about it?
Khad1013: She got the hint when I freaked out about it, so she didn't even look at it, just deleted it :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407993384 | 1407998382 | t3_2dig4b | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by jacking off without noticing my mom standing right there
It's a lazy Friday night, around 9:00 pm. I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop and get the urge to wank. I looked around the room quickly and saw nobody. The porn watching begins. I jacked for around 15 minutes, then quickly get up only to see my mom standing right there using her iPad. She says, "that was an...interesting show" and leaves quickly. Next day? *sniff* **I thought I taught you better** *sob*
TL;DR jacked off for 15 mins with mom standing right there.
Guy_Mansfield: It'll be okay. My mom once caught me tugging my rutter one time. It happens. We learn from those mistakes and never let it happen again. That's why we look left. Then right. Then left once more before crossing the road. Because it only takes one car to make you wish you'd have taken that extra second.
Anyway.
It could have been worse.
Edit: A word.
[deleted]: So, the logical conclusion is to never actually look at the porn, and simply constantly look around the room while masturbating to the slightly-blurred images of the room you're sitting in, only listening the porn, miserably stroking your penis.
Guy_Mansfield: If that's what gets you off.
Simply take the time to check your surroundings from time to time. It only takes a second to listen for someone or to look around every so often while you're milking the snake. And those are extra seconds you get to spend pleasuring yourself.
You gotta work out a good routine. Trial and error.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1407993589 | 1408006361 | t3_2digdq | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by Inviting a Stranger to Church
Myself and two other friends in my church youth group's "student leadership team" were sent out to invite people in the neighborhood to the church's barbecue. We went door-to-door and passed out flyers. People were generally nice, aside from a house of tweakers. These people didn't answer their door and we had to get going. In an attempt to not go back with spare flyers, we left two on their doormat and put about eight + all over the car outside. I told my buddy to shove one up the tailpipe. The church was emailed within a couple of hours. The complaint included this little gem, "I'm thoroughly disgusted with your organization. This is NOT what Jesus would do."
TL;DR: Shoved a church flyer in a dude's mom's tailpipe.
JimasaurusRex: If you didn't read the whole thing and just the tl;dr, it sounds like some sort of porno related to Church of Fudge.
[deleted]: Yeah, I'm not sure if the sex joke is further misrepresenting the church...
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1407995941 | 1408029285 | t3_2dijbr | t5_2to41 | 119 | myGirllooklikebonnie: TIFU by eating my new girlfriend out and not knowing she had a piercing down there... NSFW
Ok so this happened today around 3pm.
Little back story I just started community college in July and met this pretty girl last week of july. To give you a image on how she looks, she looks like the pornstar Bonnie rotten without the tattoos and brown hair. Anyways after a week of getting to know her I decided to ask her if she wanted to get something to eat after are classes, she blushed and said yes. We had a great time and pretty much hung out a whole week together after classes tell I got the balls to kiss her after one of our date then one thing lead to another and we did the bogey in her van later that night. Yes she drives a van but man we had alot of room in there. So fast forward like last thursday we only have done it like 3 times. Twice in her van at night and a quickie in her room the one day in the morning when we carpooled. So that day out of no where i remember that my mom and dad where gonna leave sunday for a vacation for a 5 days and yes I live with parents and I'm 19 and I was excited so I tell we should come to my house on monday. Monday morning she text me saying that her mom broke like two ribs monday morning triping on stairs so she was in the hospital all day.then tuesday my sister calls me to take care of her kid after college cause she was feeling sick. She's like 5 months pregnant. So of course imma take care of my little nephew bros before hoes.
Ok now its Wednesday morning I see her we go to our classes. we get out i remind her that my parents where out on vacation then we head out to my house. As soon I we get there we where making out and a little of foreplay then we head to the guest room. I close the window and close the curtains. I turn off the lights and turn on the little lamp on the desk next to the bed. We get naked she begins to blow me then she lays on her back then right when she thinks imma put it In I began to eat here out (this was my first time eating her out) then she starts shoving my face in her pussy then out of no where she screams and I jump and noticed her vagina had a bit of blood and then I touch my face and noticed a bit of blood on my lip then I tell her "did you just have your period?" Then she says "no dumb ass you fucking yanked off my piercing". I turn fucking red as that blood. I never noticed she had a piercing down there. I go to the bathroom and get a bunch of toilet paper for her wound. Its like 1030 pm right now and she left like an hour after the accident.
tl/dr: I ate out my girlfriend without knowing she had a piercing and accidentally yanked of her piercing with my mouth.
SirDerp_Alot: What kinda guy has sex with a girl 3 times and never looks down. Could have easily looked or felt it...
myGirllooklikebonnie: Welll twice we did at night in the van outside the parking lot of the mexican restuarnt we like and we where horny as fuck so we just did it and fast cause we were In the parking lot. Never really played with her stuff down there. And the day we carpooled we just did a quickie doggy and left.
p_iynx: I mean, ya didn't bother to touch her clit or anything? Damn, dude. I may be making assumptions but as a woman, you don't sound like you take care of your lady. It's important to work in some clit action for most women to actually orgasm.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Yeah Op, seriously. What kind of a boyfriend doesn't do this for his girl?
I could *MAYBE* understand if you were a virgin this first time, and didn't remember to, but after that... come on.
On the other hand, I find those piercings hot. Good pick there, OP.
| 5 | 23.8 | |
1407995788 | 1408007411 | t3_2dij4n | t5_2to41 | 54 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my coworker she gave me a boner.
EDIT: Looks like I overreacted and everything's cool now.
wronglywired: Feel you dude. When a man is horny, his penis brain will take over operation from his actual brain. And that leads to a lot of fucked ups.
But please note also that woman is a mysterious creature. We can never know what's going on inside their mind.
So.. its not entirely your fault OP. Please update us on your situation.
Bananaboatsunshine: I don't understand this. I am a dude and never done anything stupid because my penis wanted me to. I just can't even grasp it.
wronglywired: Maybe you got a small dick? No offence dude. We don't judge people by their dick measurement.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1407996664 | 1408026942 | t3_2dik59 | t5_2to41 | 10 | Tgryphon: TIFU by saying my GF looked like Tinkerbell
So angry right now. At myself mostly.
TIFU by saying my GF looked like Tinkerbell in a dress.
I moved to Arizona for a job about a year ago and haven't seen my family since. My cousin is getting married and I want to take my GF of 7 months to meet my family for the first time. Understandably, she is a little nervous about this and wants to make a good impression. She bought a dress for the wedding and was excited to model the dress for me. It's a jade green above the knee dress with a diagonal strap.
I said the dress looks great on her and I love it. Then I called her 'my little Tinkerbell'.
Shit. Now she is refusing to wear the dress. We have two days before the wedding and now she wants to go shopping for another dress. God damn it.
official4chanuser: Isn't the whole thing that you're not supposed to see your bride in the dress before the wedding day?
Tgryphon: It's my nieces wedding....my gf and I are just attending....
official4chanuser: Oh I see. Hmmm... that is a pickle. Do you have any idea why she thinks looking like Tinkerbell is a bad thing?
Tgryphon: Yeah that's what I said and now she is too uncomfortable to wear the dress. Ugh. She needs to get over her anxiety.
gigisalinas: I feel bad because I'm kind of the same way. I'm not exactly comfortable with my body so in very picky in what I wear. If my husband gets me something to wear for a certain occasion and I'm not comfortable with it.. too bad for me I have to wear it anyways, so it's nice that you are even considering taking her again and/or looking for advice to convince her otherwise instead of just telling her "too bad,
suck it up"
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1407996717 | 1408024579 | t3_2dik7m | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by running over someone's longboard
This happened earlier this year, but a friend and I had been planning to get lunch for a while and we finally do. We decide to eat it in the park then head to the viewpoint for some reason.
One the way there there was a guy and his girlfriend both on longboards skating across the street. I stop, of course, but as soon as they get to the sidewalk on the other side the dude eats shit, kicks his longboard right in front of me and I just run it right over.
I didn't know what to do, I was so embarrassed, so I pull over and start apologizing. He said it's all fine, shit happens, so I leave and go to the viewpoint like planned. I felt so bad the entire way there and my friend was trying to comfort me saying that it wasn't my fault and there's nothing I can do about it. I still felt so guilty about it so when we got bored of the viewpoint I hunted them down. It's a very small town, so it wasn't hard. I gave him my number and told him to call me and I'll help him pay for it.
I just gave him $40 which seemed reasonable, especially since I'm unemployed and he was really cool about it.
Later I started thinking about it and feeling like I really didn't have to do that, that is wasn't my fault. Everyone I told about it told me it was stupid for paying him back, that it wasn't my fault.
Anyway, I learned better, and probably shouldn't so nice
TL;DR: Ran over someone's longboard, lost $40, I'm too nice
caffeinefueled: Were you driving?
nice gesture either way whether you were at fault or not, I would of done the same just to get it off my mind.
[deleted]: Yeah, I was driving. I knew if I didn't do it there would be no way I'd be able to sleep know I did nothing to help
John_the_Piper: Man, you broke his longboard. As unintentional as it was, he was probably upset about it and the forty bucks will definitely help him get another board. Don't feel like you lost forty bucks, you were definitely being a bro in this situation! I've had someone run over my board before and the douche just laughed at me and drove off. We need more people like you in this world!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407996075 | 1408123552 | t3_2dijgz | t5_2to41 | 273 | stephrockith: TIFU having sex with my boyfriend at his parents' house.
My boyfriend just got back from a European vacation with his family. We are in between apartment leases right now and we're both staying at our parents' houses, which are a couple hours away from each other, so I went to stay with him at his parents' house for a couple days.
So it's like 2 in the morning and his family is asleep and we're downstairs in the living room making out. Things get pretty hot and heavy and we start getting horizontal. The couch is really the best place to have sex, since we didn't want to risk being heard in his room, which is right next to his parents' and little sister's. Plus I'm wearing a dress and we think it's pretty safe, so we go at it.
We finish and he immediately gets this really weird look on his face.
"What's wrong?"
"I forgot about the camera."
The...WHAT?
Apparently his parents got this fancy security system that includes a camera in the living room in case a burglar breaks in. And it is pointed directly at the couch we are on.
He says they never check it unless something sketchy happens, but I now have to live with the fact that they have footage of us having sex that they could watch at any moment. I will never be able to look them in the face again.
ColePT: Your BF remembered the camera immediately after? Yeah, OP, he is going to watch that...
duff-man02: For science.
NicoDS: Could I, uh, get uh copy of that tape? You know, for research...
nohslax2: All in the name of science
| 5 | 54.6 | |
1407997778 | 1408028870 | t3_2dildq | t5_2to41 | 19 | puritanposse: TIFU by confirming my mom's (false) suspicions that I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that?
This happened earlier today. I recently moved back in with my mother in order to help us both save some loot. Moving back in with her was a tough decision to make because I'm HUGE on personal space and privacy. That drive to keep to myself my little world has somehow, over time, convinced her I'm a closeted homosexual. I've never much cared that she's reached that false impression though, because it's had the added benefit of her not prying too hard into my life.
The reality is that I'm an out of control pussy hawk. However, I'm not at all into monogamy and relationships, so bringing a girl home to introduce to the family has never even been close to an option. At this point I should mention that I draw and sometimes sell those drawings through eBay. I've found that the subject matter that sells the best is anything that caters to gay men or sci-fi fans. Gay men in particular love drawings/paintings of nudes and gay erotica. An 8x10 black & white on average nets me about $100. So it's profitable even if profoundly boring.
While unpacking some of my stuff today my mom came across one of the gayer drawings in my arsenal and asked me if I'd made it... I nonchalantly said yes and then went about what I was doing. This is in fact a big deal though. My mother is a major gossip queen. By tomorrow everyone Iknow is going to be thinking I'm big time gay and all about the cock. I can see no good coming from that at all...
norby2: You can sell all the gossiping hens pictures. Make cash off of it. Fuck 'em.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: This OP. She's your word-of-mouth advertising, at NO COST!
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1407993279 | 1408031241 | t3_2difzo | t5_2to41 | 22 | Iwilllive: TIFU by cracking my toes
So I have a habit of cracking my toes. It feels good.
But today I was cracking my toes and head a distinct breaking sound instead the regular crack. So yes, I broke my own toe with my own hand.
ZeeyardSA: HTF did u manage thaat?
I have been cracking my toes for 20 years and never came close, I also crack my SO's toes and there also never came close.
Iwilllive: I really have no idea, my toes are so flexible from stretching and cracking them that I can actually stand on top of them. I think it was the angle that I cracked it, which was more sideways than straight (like I normally do it)
ZeeyardSA: Flip man u must be crazy strong as i crack my toes 2 sometimes 3 ways at once, Sideways Left and righht and straight Up as well never came close to breaking them as u cam feel the pain before.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1407997717 | 1408025177 | t3_2dilaz | t5_2to41 | 146 | pimp5427: TIFU by provoking an argument that made my mom leave her boyfriend
Surprisingly, as most posts here are past stories, this happened under two hours ago. To set a foreground here, my mother has been dating this guy for a year. They've been getting serious lately and we began the moving process a few weeks back. The man is a straight up bigot, racist, homophobic hypocritical bull headed man child. I digress. Us four (me, his son, him, my mom) have been down to the beach for the past couple of days. We go down to the boardwalk for the night, get the wristbands for rides and all that. We separate and do our things until the end of the day. As we were walking back from the boardwalk he began screaming at his son for a reason that escapes me. He said something along the lines of "I'm the man of the house! Whatever I say goes!" And not only to defend my mother, but to be a bit playful I said "50/50" and with the raise of a finger and the snap of his face. He said "You. You need to shut the fuck up." And I said.. no. And he said that I had been disrespecting him since I met him. Half true, I'll admit. And then I ask him how and he says that I am not allowed an opinion, and that I'm to be seen and not heard. I'm sixteen. Yes, I'm still a kid but motherfucker I have known you for less than a year. He literally called me a "little fucking nerd." With which I replied that he was immature. Anyway, during the steamed car drive he announces that he "can not do it anymore" and says that I had to go. That I was no longer going to be on the lease. One argument. No wonder this guy went to prison. I asked my mother if she felt that way and she said no but that's it. I said that he was immature once more and that I do indeed have an opinion before he started screaming expletives and saying that I was a little kid. After the car drive to the beach house my mother and Guy got into a large argument and that ultimately led into the two separating. We left and after a two hour car drive home I have a thumb up my ass because I left everything at this guy's house. My computer, tv, PlayStation, etc. Oh and we're in debt deeper than a goddamn Filipino hooker because of this move.
Tl;dr played with the bull(headed manchild) and broke those salty little horns.
Edit: Thanks for your guys' super kind words. We're going to have to go to this guy's house and I have a feeling he locked all of the doors so that we have to call him and ask for him to unlock it. I'll keep ya updated.
I_Stare_at_cats: You didn't fuck up at all. If anything, you helped your mother dodge a bullet with that arsehole. I can only imagine how much worse it would have gotten if she stayed with him.
pimp5427: I appreciate that. I still feel like I ruined something for my mother but hey, this makes me feel a little bit less bad.
I_Stare_at_cats: No, you didn't ruin anything. In fact you've probably saved your mother from an abusive relationship.
Edit: grammar
quickflint: This is 100% true. Staying with that man could have made your mothers life a nightmare. Good job OP!
| 5 | 29.2 | |
1407998894 | 1408026824 | t3_2dimkv | t5_2to41 | 3,867 | PM_ME_VAGETABLES: TIFU by jerking off to my 'neighbor' masturbating NSFW
Last night I crawled into bed and was having trouble falling asleep, I was just laying there staring at the ceiling trying to calm my internal chatter when I hear a slight rhythmic squeaking coming from my smokin hot female neighbor's room above mine. Knowing that she occasionally has male visitors over, which I have enjoyed hearing her groan from before, I started listening more intently. After a bit I hear some very slight moaning accompanying the steady squeak.
Living in an apartment with paper thin walls, I knew that she was the only one home and surmised that she was in fact masturbating. Hot! So I start to get turned on and proceed to give me self a tug. She never really wavers in intensity, just staying quiet yet mostly even, rhythmically.
I'm fantasizing seeing her fingering herself and moaning while I lead myself to orgasm and finish feeling rather satisfied. I lay there in post ejaculate comfort and note that she's still going, still the same steady rhythm. Mmmm I'm loving this still! So I lay there listening for a bit, close my eyes and try to sleep once more.
After a little while I hear her get up and go to the kitchen. But... I still hear the squeaking and the moaning....While she's in the other room.
I open my eyes with confusion and for the first time note that the sounds aren't all coming from directly above me, the squeaking is, but the moaning sounds like it might be coming through my open bedroom door in fact....
So I get up and creep out slowly from my bedroom to find the source of the 'moaning'. As I walk out of my room the sound gets a bit louder and more localized and...familiar....
I then finally notice that this moaning is actually my cat, lying on the couch fast asleep, snoring.
After a moment realizing my idiocy I go back to bed and also note that I've heard the squeaking before, on other hot nights such as this: a rotary fan in her bedroom.
TL;DR I jerked off to my cat snoring
EDIT: Whoa! Glad you all enjoyed my awkward wank. This is completely true although I don't have much of a way to verify. [This is my cat](http://i.imgur.com/mAvAQwv.jpg) Also, no I'm not a lonely creep, it's kind of a fact of life living in shoddily constructed apartments that you can hear everything, so why not enjoy it? Wouldn't this kind of be the same as watching porn without video, being a total stranger and all? She also gives quite a loud vocal performance when she's got a guy over, and knowing how sound *penetrates* her apartment as well, I'm not sure she cares. As for the fan, just a guess, seemed to fit the requirements. Maybe it's a vibrator....C'MERE KITTY KITTY KITTY
EDIT2: Gold?! GOLD! Thank you kind feline enthusiast!
Still^waiting^for^Vagetables
[deleted]: For the first four paras I was actually interested but the surprise ending ruined it all :P
qtkittens: What is wrong with your brain that makes you say something like "paras"?
[deleted]: Who made you the incharge of monitoring my comments? Go pester someone else
qtkittens: ..."the incharge"? What the hell happened there?
[deleted]: See? That is what happens :P when you try to bully people about their English when it isn't even their first language
qtkittens: Clearly on an English-based website it's a pretty safe assumption that you would be an English speaker, and I'm not sure why an ESL speaker would ever learn or use "paras" instead of "paragraphs."
[deleted]: But I used that. So it's done now. Can't do anything about it now
qtkittens: Ok yeah but you really need to never use it again, is what I'm saying
[deleted]: Sure because I know you'll find me and continue with your nagging if I try to use it ever again anywhere over the internet
qtkittens: Trust me, I'm doing you a favor. Apparently your ESL tutor was a 14 year old girl so you might have gotten some bad info
[deleted]: Haha, I'm actually happy to see that I still have some girliness left in me. Proves everybody wrong. So yeah. Thanks for that
qtkittens: Yeah but nobody wants to see or hear that shit from someone who isn't actually a 14 year old girl because it isn't charming. You can be "girly" without being retarded. You understand now?
[deleted]: Now I need to work on being charming too? Man, all of this is just beginning to sound like a lot of work.
| 14 | 276.214286 | |
1407999846 | 1408067035 | t3_2dinlc | t5_2to41 | 8 | Harshlife14: Tifu by falling off my longboard at the park
Tifu everybody. My buddy and I were bored today and had the idea to go to the Craighead park. Its just basically a bunch of hills AMAZING for longboarding and running ect..As I pulled into a parking spot my friend pulled out his 1 hitter filled with some loud. I was thinking "fuck yeah, I'm going to get stoned and fly through these hills."
I killed both of my bowls and grabbed my longboard as did my buddy. We do a complete 360 at the park. Which is basically 5 miles of hills. So as we walk up this one hill my buddy says " This would be insane going the opposite way!" He was right considering the slope of the hill. I knew I could get a good 30-35mph on it. So we decided to do a complete 360 the opposite way and this is were the fuck up happens.
As we come back around to this gigantic hill my longboard is already going a good 15mph. I whip out my phone to snapchat this and add it to my story. You know I thought It'd be cool to share the experience or whatever. At the exact same time I start going down the hill a car comes up behind me. Im going about 30mph now and I lean to get in the left lane so this car can pass me.
Well some how I lose control and completely flop on the concrete and slide a few feet. The pavement demolished my hands and complete side of my body. As I flopped onto the ground my brand new pair of Oakleys flew off my face and back into the lane of the car. I just got these Oakleys today literally. First time wearing them and everything. So at this point I lay on the ground not feeling anything yet because of my adrenaline pumping. I look over to my Oakleys and right as I do the car that was behind me ran them over..and jusy kept going.
I just laid my head back down and accepted the fact that tifu by getting stoned, thinking I was a bad ass wearing my Oakleys and longboarding, then met the concrete going about 30mph and my Oakleys got destroyed.
PickledSpaceCats: Ahhhh that's brutal man. My sister destroyed her arm on her longboard, and I broke my collarbone badly enough to get a plate put in. They had to use a child's plate on me because of my size. Still, fun as hell. The longboarding, not the breaking of bones and items.
Harshlife14: That's insane bro! Still sounds like crazy fun haha. I was lucky I didn't hit my head. My use to be hands and side made sure that didn't happen!
HankMardewkus: Were you wearing a helmet, or slide gloves?
Harshlife14: No. But im in the process of scouting iut some gloves I like.
HankMardewkus: Get a damn helmet, too, you fool. Don't blow out spots by doing stupid stuff like this.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1408001291 | 1408002119 | t3_2dip54 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by finding out a disturbing secret about my GF.....
Kill_The_Dinosaurs: Dumbest post I've read thus far.
Not funny and if trying to troll - total failure.
sexfootbay: agreed.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1407999392 | 1408023624 | t3_2din3v | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU: by Kissing my Cousin
FuglyLizard: Everyone knows a guy who banged his cousin.
sandmanslp: Be the guy!
JamesMidas: I second this motion.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408003470 | 1408170565 | t3_2dir8w | t5_2to41 | 10 | XxJellyBeanz: TIFU by taking my clothes off to tan
This didn't actually happen today. It happened about 5 years ago at the age of 16.
To set the scene a bit, my mom is a single parent and she was working for a wealthy man as his house manager. He pretty much took us all in under his wing and let us do whatever we wanted around his house. He had a trampoline, a hot tub, an exercise room, multiple TVs, and... a tanning bed. All free for us to use whenever.
He had mentioned the tanning bed before but I hadn't actually found it until this day since it was in a hidden room. To get to the bed you had to walk through a closet in a separate room. So as soon as I found it, being the curious cat I am, I decided to give it a try.
I'd never used a tanning bed before this and I've always been a bit of a tomboy so I'd never been interested in paying to lay in one like a potato to burn. But this sparked my curiosity seeing as it was free, right there, and hey? Why the hell not try it at least once? Plus I live in Seattle so the chances of even getting tan are slim.
I proceeded to take all of my clothes off minus my bra and panties and I slid my 16 year old body into the bed after pressing the magic button. I will admit it was pretty relaxing at first and I enjoyed the warmth but then this is where I fucked up.
My mom's boss (AKA the house owner) usually spent all day working in his garage, which was separated from the room I was in by a wall. I didn't connect when I first got in the room that the garage was that close, but I did notice the door that lead to the driveway and the small bathroom.
The cycle for the tanning bed was 20 minutes and about 7 minutes in I hear someone attempting to open the door knob from the outside. I immediately froze as I heard someone realize the door was locked and shove the key inside. There was no way I'd have enough time to open the bed, grab my clothes, and shut myself in the bathroom. At this point all I can do is think *shit shit shit, he's going to see me half naked!* and I rationalize that the best thing to do is just lay there and pretend I'm asleep. That sounded like it would be a hell of a lot less awkward than meeting face to face with my mom's boss while in my underwear.
A couple of seconds later I hear the door open and I try my best to lay as still as possible.
*Lets take a break for a second*
If you've never seen a tanning bed, it looks like [this](http://media.mercola.com/assets/images/tanning-beds/mercola-vitality-tanning-bed-05.jpg).
Now, an average sized man, being as tall as he is, wouldn't be able to see anything in the crack from that height, leaving me unexposed. He would have had time to turn around before seeing anything.
**BUT**
He had recently broken his leg and he was in a *fucking* wheelchair. He was eye level with the crack.
*Okay now let's continue*
The next thing I hear was *"OH, OH GOSH, OH MY-"* and the sound of the door closing. I didn't even get to enjoy the last 13 minutes of my damn tan :/
Needless to say things were *very* awkward with him after that. I pretended it never happened because, after all, I was asleep when it all happened, right? And of course he never said anything either but *damn* was it awkward. I mean, my mom's freaking boss. And that's the story of how my mom's employer saw me mostly naked. In his own house. When I was an underage minor.
TL;DR Experienced tanning for the first time and my mom's boss experienced me experiencing tanning.
EDIT: Words
ZeeyardSA: Hmmm, wonder whaat business he was in
XxJellyBeanz: Oh, you
ZeeyardSA: oh me???
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1408004440 | 1408019318 | t3_2dis2z | t5_2to41 | 2 | Stankalankin: TIFU: Asking for a front on some weed.
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| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408006917 | 1408048507 | t3_2diual | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by making love to my girlfriend
So, I've got this great wok recipe. My girlfriend and me both love it and I think I make it like twice a month.
- Cut two chicken breasts into cubes, doesn't have to be too fine.
- Chop up one onion
- Chop up red chili pepper
- Slice mushrooms to your liking
- Recipe says to use one clove of garlic, I use two (cut it fine or use a garlic press).
- Cut fine some ginger. Personally, I'm not a big fan of ginger, so I don't use a lot.
^(Note: Make sure to chop up the onion before the pepper. If you rub your eyes after you touched the pepper, you're dumb... I learned this through experience.)
- Stir fry the onion, garlic, red pepper and chicken in a wok for like five minutes (use your damn judgement).
- Add a tablespoon of soy sauce and three tablespoons of oyster sauce. I fucking love oyster sauce, so usually I just dump some more on it.
- Let fry some longer. Add a tablespoon of sugar as well.
- After like two more minutes of frying, add the ginger and mushrooms. Stir well and just give it two more minutes to let everything heat.
- Serve with some rice.
- Enjoy.
So that's what we had for dinner last night. After dinner, we end up on the couch watching this or that. We start cuddling a little. Cuddling turns into making out. Heavy breathing. I slide my hands down her pants.
"Mmm, yeaeaa... wait it feels? It kinda... Burns? Ow Ow, get out wtf ow ow owowowowowwa^aa^aaa^aaa^a^aaaaa ".
Oh right. The red hot chili pepper.
Darkenshade: Always, always... Wash your hands after you handle peppers.
AfelFenix: And always, always... wash your hands before touching someone's genitals... or yours.
Darkenshade: Always that too.
And wash after as well.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1408006645 | 1408033016 | t3_2diu1n | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by deleting photos. Maybe NSFW.
I don't post very often so sorry if I am doing this wrong.
My parents are divorced and my dad has recently found himself a girlfriend. He gave me his iPad Mini since he had just purchased a laptop. I share an iTunes account with my mom and sister, so I signed on to that account with my new tablet. However, all of the apps, music, photos etc. remained on the iPad. My dad had a lot of crap that I didn't want so naturally I started to get rid of it.
This is where it goes downhill. While I was deleting bank and real estate apps I discovered that my dad owned an apartment in another state (same state as the girlfriend). My dad travels every week and claims that he is working which I haven't questioned (until now). When I started cleaning out the notes section I found a bunch of passive-aggressive letters to his girlfriend about her not giving him sex; unfortunately it didn't end there.
Within the photos of my iPad were screen-caps of text conversations about "wanting pussy", one pic of the girlfriend's cum filled vagina, two dick pics, and five pics of the girlfriend using a dildo (no I will mot provide pics for "science", so that I can protect the identities of those involved). I was traumatized and laughing my ass off at the same time.
Now I am faced with a dilemma, I could choose to confront my dad about it, or I could forget that it ever happened and be done with it. I would appreciate some advice on how to approach this.
TL; DR: My dad gave me his iPad and forgot to delete his sexts
mrs_snrub: I would delete them and not mention it. Your Dad is only human and has obviously forgotten about them. I'm sure he didn't leave them there for you to find. Be an adult and delete them. He will probably remember about it soon and ask you then you can say " oh yeah I just deleted them" he will give you much respect that you saved him from too much embarrassment.
The_Lambo_Man: Ok thank you for the advice.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408007071 | 1408103378 | t3_2diufx | t5_2to41 | 91 | Thealk: TIFU by kidnapping someone in the street.
Background: I live in a rather medium sized city which gets inundated with tourists each weekend during which time its population seems to increase by an order of magnitude. Like... crazy amount of people (think New York’s time square on New Year’s Eve type of busy and you're not far off). This one weekend was particularly busy and there were so many people around I could barely see the pavement through the amount of people.
The Story: I was walking with my girlfriend (let’s call her Anne) down some side alleyways while she was window shopping and I was talking at her (not too her… it was a pretty one sided conversation – apparently I like the sound of my own voice!). As we approach a main intersection between the ally way and the main high-street (the one ram packed with people), I am worried about losing her so I reach my hand backwards and grab her hand.
We enter the main high street and I carry on talking to her getting no response, a somewhat normal turn of events when I am on a rant, and we walk for about 100-200 metres going past many shops and restaurants until we are almost at the end of the high street.
At this point my girlfriend pulls back her hand and tugs it out of my reach; I turn around and say “Anne what’s wro…… YOURE NOT ANNE!!!?!”
Her: “No I’m not!!!”
I was holding the hand of a 5ft6”ish lady who was similar build to Anne… I have never seen a more scared expression on anyone’s face in my life. It turns out when I put my hand back to hold Anne’s hand, I grabbed someone else and just dragged her down the high street ranting at her the whole time… and this lady didn’t say anything to me for THE ENTIRE LEGNTH OF THE STREET!!!!! She, this poor quivering stranger, then runs back down the high street the way we’ve just come for the last minute or so.
So I’m now standing there in the middle of the street… having no idea where Anne is! There are hundreds if not thousands of people around me and I can’t see her anywhere. About 15 min later she finds me (I’m 6ft4” and usually stand out in a crowd, so I thought she would find me if I stood somewhere obvious) …. and askes where I’ve been.
Me: Where have I been?! YOU VANISHED AND I JUST DRAGGED A RANDOM STRANGER HALFWAY ARCOSS THE TOWN!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!
She then, realising what must have happened bends over and starts laughing so hard she almost gives herself an asthma attack … this is now a standard tale to tell at all dinner parties we attend together … Turns out she went into one of the shops she was looking in the window of at the time that I thought I was grabbing her hand
I have never seen the stranger since, but if this story sounds familiar to anyone reading this and you are a very attractive 5ft6”ish blonde living in the south east of England … I am very very sorry!
TL;DR: I tried to grab my girlfriends hand, missed, grabbed a complete strangers and dragged her down the high street of a busy city and in the process scared her shitless.
EDIT: Spelling
Bonesyboy87: Great Story. Really curious as to where this was as I am in the South of England
Thealk: This happened in Oxford
ludo2912: Oxford is South East? The old border stops at slough so I'd say you were West Country like me, if you're an Oxford united fan you really won't like me.
Thealk: Well its an odd one, though I would defnitely say its not west country. When filling out forms online to say where people live, Oxford is always shown as south east (even though JUST pretty much), and [Wikipeda](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_East_England) says so - therefore it must be true! [/sarcasm]
Having worked security for united on many occasions I can say with 100% certainty, I am NOT a Oxford united fan.
Also Having worked football events, I'm pretty sure i can say I'm no longer a football fan tbh! People are thugs!
ludo2912: I'm a swindon town fan myself so I'm not to fond of them either, I actually live in hungerford when I'm not on base so I'm not to far away from Poxford (sorry). And don't feel to embarrassed about your fuckup, I've started talking to randomers beside me when I think they are the people I'm with, though I've never actually manhandled one.
Thealk: Haha oh god Swindon vs Oxford ~~football matches~~ riots were the bane of my life! I think Swindon was worse than oxford though :p
I have met many good friends from strange encounters with randomers... this just didn't turn into one of them!
ludo2912: Il take that as a complement, cheers. I've only ever been to 3 games against oxford and we lost all 3 times.
Sounds like a loss as far as we are concerned, she sounds quite fit.
| 8 | 11.375 | |
1408010523 | 1408018312 | t3_2dixj7 | t5_2to41 | 384 | FatUrbanSloth: TIFU by not getting the hint.
Like most TIFU posts in this subeditor, this did not happen today. It in fact happened two weeks ago to this day. I was leaving to go on holiday and I was texting a good female friend of mine to meet up before I went away. She says that I can come over to her house and that she has surprise for me. Being the autistic-fuck-dumpling I am, I invited one of my male friends to go with me. I spend a few hours around her house, for some unknownable reason she was being grumpy. After a while I decided to leave but just before I did I asked her what the surprise was, she told me to get the fuck out of her house. Fastforward to this morning and me receiving a text from the same girl explaining what we could have done if I had not invited my other friend around. Needless to say my virgin dick missed out on probably the only sex for 5+ years.
Edit: I just text her asking if I can make it up to her. She's coming round later, will post an update!
__________________________________________________________________
Update: Guys it went brilliantly! Popped open a couple of bottles of wine and talked a lot. Eventually things started to turn...flirtatious and before you know it I managed to secure my first blow job! No sex but blowjob so don't care. Thanks for all the advice guys, she said we should hangout next week so I'm looking forward to that.
evenstevens280: Tell me, what was going through your head when you read "I have a surprise for you" that made you decide "Oh, my friend wants to see this surprise, too!".
FatUrbanSloth: I honestly thought it was a present or some other material object, we've been best friends for a long time and was not honestly expecting anything sexual.
evenstevens280: Even so, why would you invite your friend round especially to receive a present?
FatUrbanSloth: I don't know what was going through my head...
funkngonuts: Source: username.
| 6 | 64 | |
1408012866 | 1408049175 | t3_2dizoo | t5_2to41 | 10 | midnightowl83: TIFU by asking to paid for house sitting; ruined sisters wedding
About a 2 months ago, my older sister who is getting married next month asked me if I was interested in house sitting for one of the other bridesmaids who I'll call R. My sister told me she was willing to pay. I said yes.
I met R for the first time at her house about a month ago. She was very nice, gave me the tour of her home, told me how to care for her two dogs, where I'll be staying, locks, etc. The subject of payment never came up in this meeting, which was my first major fuck-up. I should have brought it up, and I didn't. I'm a very passive person and hate confrontation of any kind, so at the time I rationalized that I'd just email her about the specifics of payment later on. I will admit, however, that during this meeting, I had a gut feeling she thought I was going to do this for free.
She left for vacation about 2 days ago, and I was supposed to go to her house yesterday to start the job after her husband left. At this point I was worried about being paid, so I emailed her Monday night (after she was already out of the state, in another country) asking a few additional questions and brought up payment, my major fuck-up number two. I wrote the amount that I thought was fair and asked for her input to see if she agreed.
R wrote back almost immediately and was clearly upset that I had waited so long to bring up the issue of payment, which I completely understand. She thought I was doing this for free (like I originally thought, I would have been house sitting for four weeks). She said she doesn't even know me at all and trusted me because of my sister, and now doesn't even want me anywhere near the house. She said if she knew I was going to charge her she would have arranged for someone else long ago. Her husband flew another person in from out of state because of it.
I wrote back and apologized profusely, saying how sorry I was (I truly am) about waiting until it was too late to bring up payment, how I had put her family in a difficult position, and I don't want this to sour the friendship she has with my sister. R wrote saying she loves my sister and that this situation is not my sisters fault; its mine.
Obviously there was a mis-communication somewhere along the line about payment between me, my sister, and R. But it is totally my fault for not bringing it up sooner. The guilt and shame I feel is overwhelming. I consider myself to be a trustworthy person, and now this other person who doesn't know me at all wants nothing to do with me, but we are both in the wedding. R is throwing a pre-wedding celebration for my sister when she returns from vacation. If she's holding it at her house, I don't what I'm going to do. I feel sick to my stomach about even entering that house again (and that's if R even allows me on the property) but I don't want to abandon my sister.
I feel gross, sleazy, and overall like shit. I feel like a shit person. I feel like I've ruined my sisters wedding, that all her friends will hate me, and that my soon to be brother in law will hate me. I can barely look my other family members in the eye. I hate myself.
Sorry this is so long
ANAL_ASSASSAN: Am I missing something here about the email? How much did you ask for? Were you rude about it? Why would they expect you to hang out at the house for a month with no compensation? You really did nothing wrong here. This may not be your sisters fault, but if she is your sister and she is the girl's close friend how is your sister not able to contact her mediate the situation? Obviously "R" is unreasonable and overreacting. Sounds like she is just upset she couldn't get FREE house sitting.
midnightowl83: When I wrote her about payment, I asked her for $110 per week. Roughly $16 per day. Is that too much? I don't think I was rude about it. I even asked her to tell me if she thought that was fair. Maybe the amount I gave is really what made her upset. If I had said $50/week maybe it wouldn't have turned into this huge ordeal.
Unshavenhelga: Super reasonable.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1408015136 | 1408020799 | t3_2dj1yd | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by choosing the wrong scholarship and suddenly incurring 6 figures of debt
Long story. My storytelling might not be the best right now because I'm super stressed out.
After graduating high school, I knew I wanted to go straight to college. I've always been a pretty good student. High SAT scores, good GPA, gov't job, etc. The problem was not having any money. Literally zero dollars and zero cents saved for college (both my parents had been laid off previously and it exhausted ALL of their savings). Typical college applicant right? So I was looking at schools and I ended up visiting Penn State (WE ARE!). Fell in love. I'm out of state but I knew this was where my heart wanted me to go. But it was a pipe dream really. During my visit, I explained my situation to one of the tour coordinators (just in casual conversation really) and he basically just said he hopes the best for me.
Fast forward a few months. That gov't job I mentioned earlier? They call me and say "hey we see that you're applying for colleges in a STEM-related major. We have a scholarship opportunity for you! Full ride (minus room&board) in exchange for work tours in the summer and a few years of work service post graduation." I was stoked. I called them up, went through the whole application process and boom, they called back a few weeks later saying I'd gotten the scholarship. I accepted with no hesitation. A few days later, Penn State called me back and offered me another full ride. Turns out that the guy I spoke to there pulled some strings and found a scholarship that I qualified for. I negotiated with them to cover the room&board (since my awesome gov't scholarship covered everything else). Now that I'm going to PSU, and I know I'll be working for the gov't, I decide to major in a STEM-related field that is geared toward jobs in the gov't: Security and Risk Analysis under Information Sciences and Technology. The scholarship requires CS so I asked my supervisor if there would be an issue with my major. "Nope." Alright cool, so now I'm in a major that will help me do great on this job and meets the requirements.
Fast forward through each summer and I'm doing phenomenal work in my offices. Sending transcripts every month to show how I'm doing (my GPA is currently 3.7). Everything's good. My senior year starts in two weeks and I couldn't be more excited.
Then yesterday happened.
"Hey kidghost, can you come down to our office?"
"Sure."
I ride over there without much on my mind. Kinda just glad to get a break from the office. I walk in and sit down. It's my supervisor (a new one, not the one from before who's since moved on) and her supervisor.
"So we see you're not in CS." "Yeah I'm in SRA, I talked it over with the old supervisor."
"We have no record of that."
"Ok..? Well you've been getting my transcripts for the past 6 semesters so it's not like this could be a surprise to you."
"Oh but it is, we didn't know. And we don't think it's enough to meet the requirements. You only have one year left and you won't be able to get a CS degree. We already took this all the way up the chain. You're fired and we need all that money back. Also, were not paying this year of course."
What. The. Hell.
I wasted my first three years of college banking on a "guaranteed" job post graduation. More frustratingly, I had to turn down the scholarship the school offered me to accept this one because this one came first. I had two full rides. I got screwed over and now I have no scholarship money, no job, and I'm suddenly 120k+ in debt. I don't know what to do.
**TL;DR Given scholarship, management changed, scholarship taken, "give us the money back".**
ChroniclesIY: They can't do that... they have specific reasons to terminate your scholarship if not they have to let you go without demanding money back
Get a lawyer, you have certain contractual rights
kidghost: I'm going to see a lawyer today. Just to talk it over and get an idea of where I can go from here. I don't have the money for lawyer fees (especially if I'm not gonna win) so I'm gonna use my free consultation to see if I have a chance.
Voyager5555: There should be pro bono services available in your city, check with the school as they'll likely have resources or info available to you.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1408015577 | 1418565005 | t3_2dj2ef | t5_2to41 | 100 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a Dick Pic to a friend
**Tonight** I fucked up. I was sitting around procrastinating, avoiding doing homework, when I received a Snapchat notification from a girl (Lets call her Claire) that I am pretty good friends with. Now Claire has a boyfriend, but for some reason I was dumb-and horny-enough to get a bit more daring and revealing with each picture reply that I sent. It's been a few months since I've received a nude from a girl, so I was feeling pretty desperate. So of course, when I opened a Snapchat from her with the words "Dick Pic??" on the screen, I didn't hesitate to take an opportunity. I sent a photo of my semi-erect dick to her. My heart was beating as I nervously waited a reply, and I thought I was in the clear when I saw a reply pop up from her. That was until I opened the Snapchat, and had the most blood-freezing experience of my life. Staring back at me was the face of my laughing MALE friend.
Turns out that Claire was hanging out with my friend (Mick), and when Mick saw that we were snap chatting he convinced Claire that it would be a good idea to get me to send a nude photo to her. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... THEY SCREENSHOTTED THE PHOTO! Just when it seems like the situation couldn't possibly get any worse, I get a Facebook notification that reads; "Mick sent a photo to the group," followed by a message from Mick saying "HAHAHAHAHAH." The eerie heart stopping feeling that had barely even left my system immediately came over me again as I clicked onto the message. My suspicions were confirmed, as Mick had sent the photo of my penis onto a group chat that contains myself, Mick, and three other close friends. All of them erupted with messages of laughter, as well as plenty of claims about how "small" it is. Now to be honest, my penis isn't exactly the biggest fish in the tank, so I definitely wasn't happy about my friends having possession of a photo of it.
I'm mad to say the least, and definitely not looking forward to school tomorrow.
TL;DR: Tried to receive nude piccys, probably ruined my social life in the process.
ForeverUnity: Any update?
brock0brien: My friends still have the photo and have pulled it out a few times to embarrass me but luckily it hasnt been sent around
ForeverUnity: has it been pulled out recently or have tney finally let it go? a similar thing happened to my friend so im trying to figure out how things panned out for others. and im glad it hasnt been shared outside the group, but it was still very awful what they did. i hope you werent too scarred.
brock0brien: hahaha its allgood man, last time it was shown was probably 2 months ago
ForeverUnity: im glad. like i said, some dicks did a similar thing to my friend and shes taken a complete 180. if i may ask, do you think ur friends would delete the picture if u or someone you trusted approached them and explained how much it hurt you knowing tney had that picture? i want to try to ask the people who took the nude to delete it, but im unsure how to approach it.
brock0brien: Umm its a bit of a different situation because I know I can trust that my friends will use it jokingly but they wouldnt send it around to ruin my life, so I suppose it depends on who the people that have the girls photos are
ForeverUnity: these rnt friends. these r girls who pretended to be a guy online to get this nude from her.
brock0brien: Oh shit it might not be so easy of a situation then, but yeH you should definitely say something to them
ForeverUnity: lets say you did want ur friends to delete, what exactly would you say, from your point of view, to have tnem delete it. itll help me figure out how i should ask them to delete. im somewhat social with one of them, so im hopu g to get her to delete it.
| 10 | 10 | |
1408017412 | 1408049785 | t3_2dj4dc | t5_2to41 | 11 | DForce92: TIFU by looking at my ex's reddit page.
Back story! This all happened a little less than a month ago:
For the record, my ex had me blocked from everything except email at this time, because whenever we would fight she would block me because she knew that it really irritated me.
So, my ex was, as she put it, "seeing someone", but her and I were still talking somewhat regularly. (She called me after work around 11pm-1am every night for about a week after a period where we weren't talking at all) She told me about this new guy sometimes, but she was confused about whether she'd rather date him or get back together with me. I was usually understanding, and would try not to make jokes about him, but it happened sometimes. Anyways, her birthday was coming up, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I knew that he would do something for her, and I needed to find a way to try to win her over. After mulling over my options, I decided to ask her what I should do. She told me not to do anything, and I obliged. Finally, it was very late on the day before her birthday (Around 11:30pm), and we were having our nightly call, and she told me about how that guy had bought her a pair of shoes that day. Suddenly, her roommates interrupted her, and we opted to continue the call later. After several minutes, she called back and immediately jumped on the subject of how she was aroused, and she asked if I would come over to her house and give her birthday sex. I knew it wasn't okay, because I felt like her and that guy were committed to each other even though they weren't officially dating. But, since I wanted so badly to get back with her, and it was my only shot at actually spending time with her, I agreed. Fast forward to cuddling later that night, and she comments on how I have these spots on my body, calls me "her little giraffe", and lets slip an "I love you." I could tell that it was natural for her to say it, but she seemed taken back by it. After a few hours at her place, I left, and we exchanged some parting emails while I was on my way home. Within a few days after all of this, she started getting upset with me and told me that she wanted to be with him, and I felt betrayed. It didn't seem fair that she could just have her cake and eat it too. At this point, I decided that I wasn't going to let that happen, so I found the guy that she was seeing on facebook and let him know what had happened. (I knew it wasn't my place to do it, but I needed some retribution) I was very apologetic about it, but he didn't believe me. Big surprise... I had even sent him a screenshot of her calling me her hunny from that morning, but he claimed that it was "easy to fake". *One thing you should know is that my ex is a compulsive liar. She will literally lie about anything and everything.* She made up a lie about me begging to see her one last time and that I promised to quit talking to her, and he believed her. She even messaged that story to my mom on facebook, as well as some other lies to try and get me in trouble. Now they're officially dating, and have been for a few weeks. I'm totally over wanting to be with her now, because she's honestly the most mentally unstable person that I know, but people of reddit, TIFU by looking at her reddit page and reading her side of the story. Surprisingly enough, it's different than the one she told him and my mom. It's just line after line of making herself look like an angel, and making me look like a psycho. Woof... I really can't comprehend how someone can lie about something like that when they know damn well what the truth is.
If anyone has any questions or comments, I'd love to hear them!
[UPDATE] Recieved a text from my ex apologizing for lying and claiming that she's not happy after she saw this.
damiankw: First, I want to see her post and see her side of the story!
Second, are you sure that you're not the one that's mentally unstable and it actually happened how she is putting it, but your messed up brain is romanticising the events? You might have made up an entire fake world!
DForce92: What? Dude... How can two people that dated for two years get together to have sex and not have it be romantic? Not only that, but this is the second time that she's done something like this. There was another time where the guy she was seeing didn't believe me until I told him the color of panties she was wearing that day. And did you miss the part about her posting a story about basically being haunted by the ghost of her father when her father isn't even dead? There's really no way that I can prove to you that it's true, but I promise you that it's infinitely closer to the actual events than anything she'd ever tell anyone.
I'd give you her username, but I'd rather not involve her.
damiankw: I was being an ass. I meant that you are clinically insane and you are experiencing a fantasy while what she is telling people is reality. Of course this can't be truth if she is saying different things to different people :P
DForce92: Haha! It's all good, man!
Fuck it. Here's her post:
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bco8g/tifu_by_answering_an_email/
Clearlmage: WOW after reading her post I am honestly disgusted, I knew there were crazy people in the world but she's something else. I wish you the best of luck OP!
DForce92: Thanks!
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1408015056 | 1408041604 | t3_2dj1v2 | t5_2to41 | 9 | thejamman16: TIFU by buying Dave Matthews Band tickets and was shot at by a man with a gun.
So this occurred quite some time ago, but like any of you, I get a kick out of reading some of these no matter when they happened. I was young, full of enthusiasm and stupidity. 100$ in my pocket and the world before my eyes with a new girlfriend who liked DMB. While I'm not a huge fan I will certainly entertain seeing that guy who smiles the best and plays a kick ass violin (RIP Moore).
So to set the scene, I'm at my local record store buying some cd's and scored the tickets. Now, this was during the days when cell phones were just coming out and being the ever popular guy I am I didn't need one. So with tickets in hand I race home to tell my girlfriend at the time of my conquests and to surprise her with the tickets. However, the Gods had something else in store for me this day.
I'm zipping along the highway I always take and need to get off an exit that just runs into a street. What I didn't notice is that there was roadwork happening on the exit with a ton of loose gravel everywhere. (The car I was driving was my first car my father had previously purchased for me no more than 2 months before this) So I hit said loose gravel way to fast, lose control and hit another mans car as he was putting something in the backseat. My car finally comes to a stop.
As I look around I check for any damage on my body, nothing, awesome. I look up to check on the mans car I just annihilated. Not only is he not near his car (50 ft away), but he is 20 feet right in front of me looking justifiably angry. He pulls out a gun and shouts at the top of his lungs "I am going to fucking kill you" so I guess he is OK. I get out of my car and run down the street in various directions while moving up and down as I hear a shot go off. Nothing hits me.
I find the first house with a front door open, called the cops. Once the arrived they had to wrestle him to the ground. As I sit on my car answering any questions the cops had for me I see his wife arrive. Within minutes I hear someone scream "You bird killing son of a bitch!" Apparently, this guy collected and sold rare birds. Some so rare (and illegal to own) that they cost upwards of 5k a piece. The birds he had been putting in the car were illegal and all four of them died, so he couldn't sue me. (For the life of me I didn't get why he stored such expensive birds in the igloo lunch box I saw them in).
I lost my license (rightfully so) and am now a much much more cautious driver and haven't gotten into an accident since.
Bought DMB tickets, wrecked my car and killed some, what were probably, endangered birds. For the record, the girl I took to the DMB concert just ended up getting too drunk at the show and I watched the last half of it solo after she puked her brains out and I put her in the car to sleep it off. DMB was pretty good and did I ever enjoy those violin solo's that day.
hank_moo_d: I see, i see... But what's your favorite DMB's song?
thejamman16: I'm not going to be the one that says it.
hank_moo_d: I bet it's #41.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1408015452 | 1408073183 | t3_2dj29z | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally jacking off in front of schoolmates
Maybe not the most interesting masturbational misadventure on reddit, but, in retrospect, I think it's pretty funny. This particular fuck up happened many years ago, back when I was a measly (and horny) twelve-year-old. One day after school I thought, for whatever reasons, it would be wise to masturbate in the family room of the house in which I lived. Now, this family room is not like most others. On one wall it has 2 large floor to ceiling windows. Obviously, this makes it a very poor spot for beating one's meat; furthermore the neighbors' driveway runs parallel and about 25 yards from said windows. So there I was choking the chicken on the couch (my parents were not home) when I see two figures walking down the driveway away from our neighbors' houses. Through the previously mentioned windows they immediately spotted my shameful activities and began convulsing with laughter. One dude even fell off his skateboard. As they did this I curled up in a fetal position, facing the passers-by dick-in-hand. All the while I had a stunned deer-in--the-headlights expression on my childish shit stain of a face. In addition to that, I watched them with that expression the entire 25 seconds they stared at me pointing and laughing. Eventually they walked by and I was able to retreat to another room where I could properly process the afternoon's mortifying events. I wish I could say the story ends here, but alas, it does not. The next day at my government-funded academic shit shack I was appalled to discover that the news had spread. Fortunately only a few people ended up finding out about it. But amongst them I was labeled "masturbator".
TL;DR: Jacked off in open living room, spotted by pedestrians, and mocked at school.
Voyager5555: So what, you couldn't find your own room or the bathroom?
Robbyroo123: Couch was comfy and I was REALLY stupid
samzeman: have been 12 in the past: can confirm common sense is not something you get at that age
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1408020029 | 1408033003 | t3_2dj7kc | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU By "strategically" farting. (NSFW)
vrxz: I was following your story and everything, but I still clicked the link. Goddammit.
I don't know what I expected.
Ryphor: I clicked it at work. Oops.
vrxz: That's going to be a stain on your record.
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1408021244 | 1408046185 | t3_2dj950 | t5_2to41 | 242 | bigjmn: TIFU by doing physics near a playground
I was walking with my friend, talking to him about a pendulum clock I was building. We were talking about some calculus stuff involving the physics of a pendulum, and he suggested an integral. At this point I responded, "UGH, I HATE INTEGRATION."
I look over and notice we are walking right by a school playground, where a black mother was sitting with her son. She gave me a look of pure sadness. I was quite mortified.
vrxz: Great story. I smiled. I gotta be honest with you though: I don't believe you.
crazyylegs: You're use of a colon is proposterous.
gainzcity: Your incorrect use of the contraction "you're" is preposterous.. You also misspelled the word preposterous.
philsnotes: Your incorrect use of an ellipsis to indicate a small pause between the words "preposterous" and "You" is preposterous.
SirDigbyChknCaesar: Y'all motherfuckers preposterous!
jdavidj: And my axe!
Wait.
I think I did that wrong.
cjgerik: God dammit Gimli.
| 8 | 30.25 | |
1408025911 | 1408052240 | t3_2djgjy | t5_2to41 | 373 | nutrisse: TIFU by making a reference to my ex's butt.
My current girlfriend had a mild fever last night and we ended up talking about thermometers. I mentioned in passing that my aunt used to put the same thermometer in her children's butts or mouth interchangeably and would only disinfect it in between. My girlfriend replied that she would never ever put anything that has been in someone's bum in her mouth, no matter how many times it's been washed.
Now, I don't know how it crossed my mind to say this or why it just left my mouth without any processing, but I answered "well, my penis has been in someone's butt and you still put it in your mouth." I didn't really finish the sentence; I think I only got as far as "penis". But the rest was implied as evidenced by my girlfriend's expression.
In the end she dug out whose mohogany knot I had meant, dinner plans were cancelled, and there hasn't been any communication since I left her house. We've only been dating for 2 months so it's hard for me to gauge how bad I screwed up this time.
[deleted]: Yeah dude. Fire up that OKC account. You're single and ready to mingle. Don't do that again.
NumberM87: This guy's been there
rob_var: lessons learned and that can help you in the next relationship OP
| 4 | 93.25 | |
1408026205 | 1408040729 | t3_2djh3g | t5_2to41 | 11 | Robosaurus_Rex: TIFU by perfectly cooking a chicken
I usually roast a chicken each week to provide lunch for a few days, it saves a lot of money. Anyway, today I went to roast my chicken as usual, using a conveniently shaped roasting tin/carving board of my mother's. When I returned about 90 minutes later, there was a worrying amount of smoke. Thinking I had burnt my chicken, I threw open the oven door to remove it. But alas, there sat my beautifully golden chicken, floating above a bubbling, tar like mess of melted plastic. Turns out that wasn't a roasting tin after all...
foamster: Hopefully you didn't eat the chicken that had been smoked by burning plastic!
Robosaurus_Rex: I think I'll try it at least, it looks OK...
foamster: Do NOT eat it... lmao
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1408025978 | 1408073825 | t3_2djgoa | t5_2to41 | 11 | mowilks: TIFU by being an encouraging coworker
First time posting ever, please be gentle.
Like many TIFU stories, this one didn’t happen today. It happened in the summer of 2006, during my third summer in a row at this internship here in NYC. It’s a laid-back office where we basically helped kids who can’t afford college find relevant scholarships.
It being my third year in a row there, I was tasked with supervising all the newbies, which basically meant checking in with them every now and again and just supporting them. We had a lot of sharp kids coming in that year from all over the country: Boston, New Orleans, San Francisco, Chicago, even some NYC locals all bringing their own insight into what we do. Cool!
Generally speaking, I’m a pretty positive dude. I like to help people, it’s what I’ve made an entire career out of…so I was excited to help these new interns with whatever they needed.
One day, I remember walking over to the gal from Boston and saying “You’re a BEAST at finding scholarships! Keep it up!”. She laughed, told me I was silly, and went on about her work.
I told the dude from San Francisco “Dude, you’re killin’ it man, let me know if you need anything!”. He smiled, thanked me, and went back to his work.
This kinda stuff isn’t really my usual style of encouragement, but I found it to be hilariously stupid yet effective, so hey, whatever works!
However, I noticed another girl was having a tough time, not really getting much done. When I checked in with her, she very sadly told me that she just had a lot of “personal stuff going on” that kept “stopping” her from getting the work done. Seeing how sad she was, I really wanted to encourage her and give her a bit of a self esteem boost, so I just scoffed and said “C’mon! You’re doing a great job!”. A smile started creeping across her sad face, so I thought I’d pile it on a bit: “You’re a total pro!!”. By now she was smiling, so I wanted to give her one last little boost to carry her throughout the day: “You’re unSTOPPABLE! You’re a BEAST! You’re a HURRICANE!”
Suddenly her face scrunched up, she gives me an absolutely livid death glare, and storms off more than a little loudly with what might have been some tears streaming down her face.
…it took me about three hours before I remembered that she’s the girl from New Orleans.
TomScaggs: That really blows.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Flooding her with compliments like that.
Claarity: I like you guys :)
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1408027958 | 1408074651 | t3_2djk2l | t5_2to41 | 54 | [deleted]: TIFU by cutting up Devil's Tongue Hot Peppers, then readjusting my thong 15 minutes later
First off... Oh my god, my lady parts are literally on fire.
It all started when I decided I wanted to pick fresh hot peppers from my garden to chop up and garnish my nachos with... Now, these Devil's Tongues were the only hot peppers that were ready to be used ( Note, this is my first time using these hot peppers, and they are HOT). I'll admit, I'm a wimp when it comes to hot peppers, but I could barely eat my nachos because of these little fuckers.
For some crazy ass reason, I forgot to wash my hands after cutting these bad boys up.
And of course, what happens? My thong decides to ride up my ass and vagina as I'm in bed watching enjoying Planet of the Apes (1968). So what did I do?
Yep! stuck my hand right down there and readjusted my thong. Horrible idea. About a minute later a look of horror came across my face and I dashed to the bathroom. It took me a few minutes to realize that it was the hot peppers burning up my vagina... It was quite terrifying.... As I went back to bed, my boyfriend just looked at me, wondering why I dashed to the bathroom.
I couldn't tell him I that I accidentally burned my vagina after cutting those hot peppers... He would NOT let me live that one down...
tldr; Cut up some extremely hot peppers, forgot to wash hands, burned my vagina
jpops4: Aha, I did this at a restaurant when I went to piss and my dick was on fire..
ChromeCyanide: *Great balls of fire*
briarandvine: Goodness gracious!
tannersarms: What a thrill!
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1408030751 | 1408041256 | t3_2djp97 | t5_2to41 | 12 | fonziier: TIFU by encouraging my boyfriend to stay awake after going to the bathroom this morning.
Actually happened yesterday.
This morning I was taking a shower and had just finished when my boyfriend walks in like a zombie to go to the bathroom to pee. Our bathroom is small so I couldn't get out of the shower because he was in the way. Exited that he was up twenty minutes early I eagerly talk him into staying awake so he could help me make breakfast and we would have more time to spend together before leaving to go to work.
I should have just let him sleep. After much prodding(he had so much pee) he decides to stay up so he gets in the shower and it gets cold since I just took one. Usually the water stays hot longer, I've taken a shower for an hour before (my showers on a work day consist of around 15-20 minutes). So now he's upset because he has to take a cold shower.
Then after the shower he gets dressed and can't find his black dress shoes. He recently got hired on full time from his co-op job and wanted to look nice so they would place him in a customer based job. He's a programmer and his job makes programs as well as trains and sells the programs to businesses. But any who. We just moved so the house is a mess and he doesn't know what happened to the shoes (he really liked these shoes) so now he has to buy another pair/ wear brown ones for today.
So the work day goes by and his doesn't get any better. His coworkers forgot to tell him they were going to lunch so he arrived late and had to go by himself :(
He had a late meeting that day so he got home around 7. I figured I would do laundry and get it done by the time he comes home, Wednesdays are my usual laundry days anyways. But of course our neighbors were using the laundry room so I had to wait. Forgetting that we were going to H&M after work, I load the clothes up at around 6:45. He walks in a little after 7 asking if I was ready and I was like "shoot! I forgot we were going to H&M, I have our clothes in the washer." He gave me the most I cant believe you did that face. I was like "it's ok the wash cycle will be over in 15 minutes then we can just bring the clothes up here and dry them when we get back" His I can't believe you did that face didn't go away. He asks if I checked his pockets. Of course I said no he should clean his own damn pockets out before putting the laundry in the hamper. I cook, clean, do his laundry. He can at least take out the things in his pockets! I mean of course if its noticeable I'll take it out like his wallet or knife, I'm not that much of a bitch. But unless the clothes feel extra heavy I just throw them in the washer out of the good faith my wonderful boyfriend cleaned them out.
Well, My boyfriend does those studies where you go to a place, they ask you questions about gum or have you wash your hair with this bottle of shampoo and then a week later you answer questions and boom $100. He had left a check for $100 in his pocket, and I had washed it. hoping it would be ok, I go get the clothes and check his pockets. nothing. I asked him which pants they were in because I couldn't find the check. I get the pair of pants he tells me and check again. and low and behold the check, in a small wet ball at they very bottom of his front pocket. Good.
So after discussing whose fault it was, we agreed it was both and head on to H&M and then agreed I would never get him to stay awake after he pees again.
Tl;dr: Talked boyfriend into staying awake after he took his morning pee, his day goes horrible and we agree I won't get him to stay up in the morning ever again.
Edit: Why so much hate? I'm genuinely admitting I fucked up. I don't need to be called names. Maybe some of you should check the rules.
Special_McSpecialton: He should be able to call the check issuer and have them reissue it, so if anything, it's just a delay in funding. No harm done :)
fonziier: Yeah, I figured that as well and he called the place today and they are reissuing him one! Thank the lord lol
| 3 | 4 | |
1408031025 | 1408073354 | t3_2djpra | t5_2to41 | 348 | like_id_tell_u: TIFU by masturbating in the most inappropriate place on Earth
I was in Amsterdam, and decided to visit the Anne Frank house, seeing as her story is an important part of world history. Queuing outside, I noticed a few people taking selfies in front of the house, which I thought was pretty inappropriate, but now I realise that was nothing.
I spent a good while exploring the house, reading all the information, watching the video screens etc. It certainly isn't a fun place to visit, but it's educational, and very sad.
At the end there's a little cafe at the front of the house, and being hungry after my long, sad, educational walk, I bought myself a piece of cake. As I was just about to start eating my cake, I noticed it had a bit of red topping. I thought it was strange, as the cake had definitely been brown when I picked it up. As I looked, another bit of red topping appeared on the cake, and knowing that cakes don't spontaneously change colour, I quickly realised that the red spots were in fact blood, dripping from my nose. I picked up the one napkin I had to hand, and started wiping, just in time to catch Tarrantino levels of the red stuff pouring out of my right nostril.
As my napkin got saturated with my nasal period, I ran out of the cafe back into the house to the nearest toilet: a small room with two cubicles and a sink. I ran into the one empty cubicle, sat down and started ripping off chunks of bog roll to soak up the blood, but it just kept coming.
Not wanting to go back into the cafe just yet, in case the torrent of claret continued to ruin my cake, I opted to stay in the toilet until the flow stopped. After a few minutes, I started to get a bit bored, and seeing as I'd been travelling alone for a few weeks, staying in dorm rooms with no privacy, my testes were a little on the full side.
Seeing no end to the bleeding from my nose, I decided to make use of my free hand to let out some bodily fluid from the other end of my body, and fuck me it felt good. Then I remember where I was, and how utterly disrespectful I had been to one of history's most tragic figures, and fuck me it felt bad.
Anyway, I cleaned up my mess from the floor, flushed my massive wad of blood and semen soaked paper, and went back to eat my cake (after cleaning the blood off).
TLDR: I had an Anne Frank in her house.
trampabroad: Pretty sure that means you have something in common with Anne Frank then ;P
hitforhelp: She certainly wasn't a moaner.
TomSawyerCA: Dude there stuff you don't joke about. The Holocaust is one of them.
Toddler_Souffle: False and false.
PrimeNumber2: I like your style.
Toddler_Souffle: I like that you like my style.
| 7 | 49.714286 | |
1408032139 | 1408125261 | t3_2djrxr | t5_2to41 | 1,213 | oldmanthrowaway12321: TIFU by trying to help Reddit learn about politics, and getting witch hunted
Hello! I am an older man in my late 50s. I teach political science at a small Canadian university. One of my students showed me Reddit and I fell in love. My passion for history and politics led me to boards relating to politics, as well as ones such as askhistorians. I would help answer people's questions and explain concepts to them to help those who wished to learn, learn. I had a lot of fun doing it. I also began messaging a lot of people who wished to pursue a career in politics, teaching, or who just wanted to go to university and I gave them advice. I had about 50,000 Reddit Karma Points, so I think I was doing okay for Reddit Standards.
Someone asked me on a post I made wondering about my qualifications. I said I had a political science PhD, and I teach at a small university in Canada. Someone else commented saying something along the lines of, "you are a fraud, I just looked at your post history and you claimed to be a plumber, homeless person, military officer, and a chemist, you're lying". I said that was false, but before I know it, this person's response had at least 300 up-votes, and my original post had almost -1000. I never said any of those things, but people just said I deleted them. My feelings were hurt, and not only that, I was suffering because of the lies of someone who probably wanted to start a witch hunt to get Karma to sell, or whatever you do with it. I got countless messages from people ranging from "I know you're truthful" to, "commit suicide".
Wherever I went on Reddit people called me a liar and a fraud, and it was bad. I posted pictures of my office, of my degree, and people still called me a fraud. I discovered people often time stamp these types of photos, so I began submitting photos but with time stamps in them and people claimed they were fake, somehow.
So that is how the Reddit hive-mind, and the lust for people to get Reddit Karma Points led to me quitting Reddit. I hope a lot of you reevaluate how important Karma is to all of you, and stop the witch-hunting without evidence. I'm even nervous to post this. Please don't witch-hunt me again, I'm just making a statement about how bad Karma Points are, and how bad the Reddit hive-mind is.
coochini_martini: I wouldn't worry about it. Just make a new account and continue trying to inform people. "trolls" will try to get you all riled up and accuse you of all sorts of nonsense. They are the bullies of the internet and do it to get a reaction, that's all. Don't quit Reddit just because some people don't believe you. That's the beauty of being able to make a new username in like 10 seconds!
zarbles: But then he loses his 50000+ karma! Which he could've used to.... yeah, maybe just create a new account.
SomeOtherDK: I generally create a new account once every few weeks.
RedditAccountNumber7: I never learn the passwords. Get logged out? Get new account!
Lugia_: Relevant username?
RedditAccountNumber7: Haha, yeah. After a few thoughtful names went down the drain I decided to just keep it simple.
RedditAccountNumber8: ...Welp. I forgotten my password before, but I've never been hacked....this is a first...
Don't believe anything /u/RedditAccountNumber7 says after this post....
RedditAccountNumber7: lol you can't have your old account back until i get $5000000000000000000000000000 and nud3z of megan fox
RedditAccountNumber8: Meanie. :(
Silent_Sky: I'm waiting for RedditAccountNumber9 to show up in this thread.
| 11 | 110.272727 | |
1408032266 | 1408108267 | t3_2djs7l | t5_2to41 | 102 | Tits_mcgeeeeee: TIFU by thanking my dad on Facebook/scaring my moms new SO.
I recently got an awesome job in NYC. I posted about it on Facebook and my mom's relatively new boyfriend commented "congratulations!"
My dad (parents divorced) comments a funny congratulations post right underneath mom's bf. I write "thanks dad!"
My real dad's posts are invisible to anyone who is not his friend, due to privacy settings. All you can see is moms bf say congrats, and me saying 'thanks dad' right underneath it.
Now moms bf thinks I'm calling him dad after they've been dating a month. Mom has some 'splaining to do.
creat2: nicely done.
[deleted]: thanks dad!
Bluebe123: You're welcome, son. *Manly tear*
bumbleeds: Where's mom?
J9ZR: DONT YOU EVER TALK ABOUT YOUR MOTHER AGAIN!!!
-smack across face-
GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM.
| 6 | 17 | |
1408032989 | 1408034270 | t3_2djtln | t5_2to41 | 29 | Chrisbyy: TIFU by failing my A levels.
So yeah, walked into the atrium, grabbed my results and slowly opened them. Yep, I failed. Feeling pissed off because I tried to fucking hard, I mean so hard. A year of my life wasted on failure.
And I'm just here life what the hell do I do now?
Tortured_Sole: Are they much off your predicted grades? How many did you fail? You can always appeal the results. Also - are you trying to get to Uni? If so, go call them and discuss as they may still accept you even though you're a grade down. Have you a reserve choice?
Chrisbyy: Predicted grades were high, because I did pretty darn well in gcse, now I just feel so fucking pissed because I tried so hard.I'm not a grade down, I failed 2 out of 3.
Tortured_Sole: Do you know what went wrong? Failed, as in no grade at all?
Chrisbyy: Okay so here is the thing, I did pretty well in my mocks, and scored good grades on essays etc, it's just weird how it suddenly all went to scrap. Plus I revised very hard, which makes me even angrier that I failed.
Tortured_Sole: Well, I'd suggest possibly appealing the results... the markers can (and do) fuck up - you have your past exam results to show that you know what you're doing and this is an odd situation so something's gone wrong.
What are you hoping to do next, uni? Gap year? Job?
Chrisbyy: Well uni, wanted to be an English teacher because, well, I love English har har
| 7 | 4.142857 | |
1408032746 | 1408035207 | t3_2djt50 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Darklydreamingx: TIFU by giving an old man a hospice center's pen.
So TIFU bad. I work at a car dealership as a finance manager. An older guy came in to purchase a vehicle he was in his early 70's and he must have just gotten out of the hospital because he still had his hospital band on and had injection marks on his arms. He was signing paperwork for his new car when he noticed that the pen I gave him just happened to have the logo of a nearby hospice care center. He absolutely lost it. Screaming and crying ensued and eventually he calmed down but I've never been so embarrassed in my life. All over a goddamn pen. So yeah. TIFU.
AlyceSparkz: Who goes out to buy a new car right after getting out of the hospital? Did you check to see if he was an escaped mental patient?
Darklydreamingx: He set up the deal days ago. Maybe he got bad news today?
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408033705 | 1408060481 | t3_2djuyg | t5_2to41 | 21 | ThrowawayThursday1: TIFU by not knowing how lustful I really am (NSFW)
Backstory:
I would be your typical 18 year old male if I wasn't constantly filled to the brim by lust. With that being said, the last time I had sex was a full year ago and even though I have daily masturbation sessions, this lust has built up to the point where I was ready to hire an escort. Before making that mistake, I had reconnected with this girl over the summer that I had a massive crush on during the last semester of our senior year. When I started liking her, she had a boyfriend and for some dumbass reason, I still confessed which is why we became distant. Anyways, over the summer, we got closer than we were before and I had helped her get out of her relationship since she's going to a university that almost across the state from where we leave so she didn't want to have a long distance relationship at all. Regardless of that, I decided to proceed recklessly and trudge on with her which ended up in me falling for her. Note that with this girl, my lust seemingly disappeared because all I wanted to enjoy my time with her since she only has a week left before she moves. She knows how I feel and while she's not sure how she feels, we still basically act like a couple with the exception of kissing and anything beyond that (we snuggle and hold hands and such)
The fuck up:
Yesterday before she went home (she lives a solid 13 minute walk away) we were talking about our situation and then she started telling me how she has had trouble with lust building up inside her and how the way we act together isn't helping that. Hearing that ignited some embers of my lust that had been slumbering for the whole time I was with her and since we are very open with each other, I told her that she could use me to release all that build up so that she can start college fresh and with no desperation for sex. So after she goes home, we wait a bit for me to sneak out of my house and go to hers. Once I arrived, we agreed to make it exciting by me trying to seduce her to the point where she would give it all up. Since she was very resistant, it took two hours of boob and ass groping and me fingering her for her to tell me that she was unsure about going all the way. Being understanding, I stop immediately and we spend the rest of the time talking until 4:30 am. As time went by during our talk, I could feel my lust reviving from its slumber and the fact that we stopped was starting to irritate me. So fast forward to right now, where I'm at work with no sleep and enough pent up sexual frustration to make a hundred babies, this lust has been getting to my head and thoughts of hate-fucking this girl have been crossing my mind relentlessly and I can't concentrate on anything. I had asked her when she began yo feel unsure about our whole sexcapade and she said when I first suggested it. I don't know why I didn't ask why she still agreed to do those things with me even though she was unsure the whole time and that is really frustrating me also. If she would have told me from the start, I would have dropped the idea but now I feel like a raging monster that just wants to fuck the shit out of her without mercy. We agreed to talk about it on tomorrow but I really don't know what to do tomorrow. Should I tell her how I feel and push the idea of sex again? Or should I hide it from her?
NegScenePts: A typical 18 year old male is filled to the brim with lust. You want sex, she blue balled you, all this is completely normal.
HankMardewkus: Except for the hate-fucking. Can confirm never wanted to hate-fuck someone.
trogla: Hate fuck is in my top three of all fucks
HankMardewkus: HOw close is hate fucking to rape? Just curious.
trogla: Not close...Some people just like their love with more...hate I guess
HankMardewkus: So it's similar to rough sex.
| 7 | 3 | |
1408028546 | 1408125183 | t3_2djl4u | t5_2to41 | 25 | Sociallyoblivous: TIFU by not understanding advances
So this actually happened a few months ago.
I was sent out to another city for work and found myself living alone for the first time in my life (yay for mom's basement). It was overwhelming at first not knowing anyone but I eventually made friends who also were there as expatriates and we hung out a lot.
So fast forward a few months a friend of mine brings along a group of girls to chill and we hang out for the night. I start talking to this one girl (we'll call her Katie) and we hit it off well, we had lots of common interests and we had so much to talk about. She was pretty cute but I never thought of starting any relationships because I wouldn't be in the city for long and I thought I was destined to live the life of the 40 year old virgin.
Fast forward another few months and it's my last night in the city. So Katie and a few of our friends went out clubbing one last time. We get tipsy and she starts getting a little touchy with me but I didn't think anything of it cause were all intoxicated. People start leaving one by anime and its just Katie and I left. We don't want to go home yet so we were just walked around sobering up. After a while decides she wants to find some friends and asks me to come along. So I oblige and we go chill with her friends for a bit. It's about 4am at this point so we all decide to cab home. Now this is the first fuck up . So we all go to where the cabs all line up to pick up drunkards and all of Katie's friends get into cabs. Now it's Katie's turn to get into a cab and being the gentleman I am I open the door for her and let her get in. BOOM close the door and off the taxi goes. She texts me and is like wtf I thought you were coming with me. I replied 'no I can't were going different directions.' She calls me and sounds very upset and so I promise her id go see her after I got home to finish packing.
I finish packing and cab over to her place. I told her my flight is late that afternoon so I didn't have too much time to see her. She said it was fine and she just wanted to see me one last time. It's important to note I was wearing my plane grub. I get to her place and she comments on the fact that I'm wearing sweats in such hot weather. So we head inside and go to her room. she suggests I take my sweater off so i don't get a heat stroke. I was wearing a really shitty undershirt so I declined at first but did after I started sweating buckets. Then after she comments 'wow your time in the gym is starting to pay off'. I blush as no one has complimented my body like that before and replied 'thanks but progress hasn't been too great.' She then replies in excitement 'wow progress? Can I critique your physique? I have lots of experience.' Being close but that close I declined and she said 'if you show me yours I'll show you mine.' Being retarded me I was like no thanks it don't want to see your physique. After hearing that she got frustrated and tries a few more times before hopping into her bed and burying herself under her covers. In her upset tone she says she's going to nap until she has to go for work (that would be when I had to head out to the airport too). So I sit there surfing reddit until she got up. She then asks me to grab a pair of pants for her to change into for work. So I do but as I walked over with them she asks me to help her change into them because she was tired. And retardedly I tell her hell no and tell her to do it herself. She storms out(she was fully clothed, was never naked) and changes and says we have to go. So we go our separate ways and as I'm going to the airport I get a bunch of texts explaining what could've been.......
TL;DR did not understand a slew of advances a girl threw at me
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: You went full retard, man. NEVER go full retard.
CheeseAddiction: At least you don't have that fetish.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1408049390 | 1408394063 | t3_2djwec | t5_2to41 | 7 | I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: You.
I like you.
But I was asking because one time my friend fell face-first into a toilet while blasted, and split the back tank of the toilet in half. He was totally unfazed by it though.
Livxx14: Someone is downvoting all of your comments on multiple threads. I thought I'd let you know because it is rather odd
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Not my problem. I'm just here so that the people who appreciate my comments can continue to do so.
Livxx14: Awesome:) Didn't know if you cared.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: For my fans, anything.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1408035985 | 1408134105 | t3_2djzd2 | t5_2to41 | 26 | fatn00b: TIFU by sneezing with my mouth closed
I value time, so I don't want to waste it eating, so I take really big bites. I was chewing one of these when I felt a sneeze coming. I probably could have let it out through my mouth, but I didn't want to take a risk and kept my mouth closed. Sneezes have to get out somehow, so mine forced its way out my nose, and launched most of the mucus onto my not-quite-empty plate. The rest of the mucus was hanging from the outside of my nose. My entire family was there as witness.
aslanandruth: My OH once sneezed fried egg from his nose..... He scooped it up and ate it ..... I still gag ...
fatn00b: Oh man that's bad. My food at least stayed put.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1408035902 | 1408075637 | t3_2djz71 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying F her right in the P on live air
So I live in a small town and was out at the bar making a fool of myself, when a group of people egged my on to do this. now I'm facing Disorderly conduct and possibly assault
charges...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2R3gFezhk4
[deleted]: Good. You're a vile idiot. Hope you get what's coming.
atomjack12: Says the troll who's had a reddit account for 13 days.
[deleted]: Why on earth do you think it is trolling to call someone who shouts obscenities a vile idiot? And what does how long an accounts been open have to do with anything? Apparently, you are a bit dim.
atomjack12: Nah, just took a peek at your comment history, and in the two weeks since you've been here, it's all overwhelmingly negative. Just pointing out facts. Cheer up, dude, try being nicer.
[deleted]: Yeah, nicer like randomly screaming moronic obscenities at women and children.
atomjack12: Did this guy fuck your sister and never call her again or something? You seem REALLY upset by this.
[deleted]: Wow. It is weird to you that people have problems with vile idiots screaming moronic obscenities at women and children? This guy is the epitome of a douchebag and so are you, "brutha."
| 8 | 2.625 | |
1408035371 | 1408558250 | t3_2djy63 | t5_2to41 | 144 | kinda_alone: TIFU by not having enough mods (mod application post)
First of all, thanks to everyone for making this subreddit what it is today. I still remember being giddy when we first broke 1,000 subscribers, and now we are on the verge of a million. That being said, due to the enormous increase of subscriptions we moderators are unable to see every post and choosing the fuotw and thus seem to be fucking up (quite meta isnt it ? ಠ_ಠ)
Anyway so we are planning on adding 4-6 mods to our family. The work normally consists of making people follow the rules written in the sidebar and choosing the fuck up of the week (fuotw) once a week. Chosen mods will be given more information.
To nominate yourself, kindly answer these questions listed below:
1. Why do you want to moderate this sub ?
1. Do you have any previous experience ?
1. Have you fucked up big anytime irl ? how ? (<- this might be important for choosing you :D)
1. What timezone are you in ? and when are you available ?
1. How long are you on reddit everyday ? and how much time do you spend on /r/tifu ?
1. How often are you on reddit during the weekends?
1. How would you improve /r/tifu ?
1. How do you want this world to end ?
1. Should moderators “let the upvotes decide”? Please explain your thinking.
Please only post applications. Off topic posts will be removed.
Much love,
kinda_alone
p.s: contest mode is ON. votes dont matter.
**Additional question added (for posts after 3:00pm EST)**
Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo: 1. The sub is quite comical and I enjoy spending time reading the posts. It would be nice to contribute.
2. /r/aww, /r/behindthegifs, /r/youdontsurf, /r/babyelephantgifs, /r/Eyebleach, /r/bertstrips, /r/CommercialCuts, /r/CatsStandingUp....etc
3. Haha yes...I cant really go into detail but lets just say some questionable files were downloaded on my computer and my parents were not very happy to find out, not from me, but by a letter in our mailbox the next week...
4. Central time zone. It depends on the day but typically 4pm-1am.
5. Anywhere from 2-8 hours. I just read the top stories now so maybe 20 a day?
6. Really depends, but a lot.
7. Additonal css to pretty up the sidebar and Id make the fuckups of the week hover-expand like the other tabs.
8. I imagine it sort of like the book version of I Am Legend except with tumblr. Tumblr becomes the most popular site in the world and everyone uses it. But after a while Tumblr realizes that *it* is the monster and the only way to be a hero is to blow up the world. They would have become the first Tumblr user to win an online battle (albeit against themselves) so everyone dies proud and happy.
9. If it doesnt break the rules or it becomes an issue where too many posts detract from the subreddit quality and the mods need to make rule revisions then yes votes should typically decide.
PM_me_yourkittens: Love the username! :D
Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo: \#Kittehs4Lyfe
:3
PM_me_yourkittens: Cat.
But seriously, why is everything cat?
Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo: If you are referring to /r/CatsStandingUp it is a lighthearted circlejerk sub to display the awesomeness of Cat.
PM_me_yourkittens: How many times do you get a submission that isn't a cat or doesn't say cat in the title?
Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo: We have automod/regex to remove every instance anything other than "Cat." is said...on slow days 3-4 bans on busy days 3-4 pages worth of bans
PM_me_yourkittens: Woah...... What if it said cat but it's actually a dog?
Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo: Automod cant go through pics but we have plenty of mods to check and permaban for that. If its a spelling error we usually let people beg for forgiveness, write poems, and praise Cat. until they see the error in their ways...its pretty fun haha :)
PM_me_yourkittens: Haha it does sound fun...
Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo: I must go, use your new knowledge for good.
http://i.imgur.com/6YPW8hD.png
| 12 | 12 | |
1408034434 | 1408042453 | t3_2djwc4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting a fart
kinda_alone: Hi Cancani, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU by trusting a fart* has been removed because it violates RULE 10: "All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday." Please feel free to resubmit your story then.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
Cancani: I'm very sorry I didn't pay attention thank you for the warning.
kinda_alone: No worries. Just repost saturday!
| 4 | 2 | |
1408027907 | 1408050350 | t3_2djjzm | t5_2to41 | 18 | w00dboarder: TIFU by accidently setting my lawn on fire.
This was actually a couple of years ago but it was probably the dumbest thing I have ever done so I want to share it.
It was really late one night (or sincerely early in the morning) and some buddies of mine and myself were having a fire and jamming some music in the backyard of our house. Being that we have all been inseperable since grade school, and it was my last night in New York before I moved to Arizona, we wanted to have one last banger. As I'm walking into the backyard after taking a piss I noticed that there was a small gas can in the bush. So I stumble over to grab the can (I am probably 14/15 PBR's deep at this point) and proceed over to our fire. Without hesitating or even taking the time to put down my beer (and with a cigarette in my mouth) I literally (tried) to dump the gas on the fire. Doing so I poured it all over my jeans and my yard and of course the whole fucking thing just engulfed in flames and both my legs were on fire as well.
So I'm running around like an idiot desperately trying to take my blazing pants off and try to 'stop, drop and roll'. After being so focused on trying not to burn to death I look and realize that a good 7/8 feet of my backyard is on fire. Knowing that it's a gas fire and we can't put it out with water, we decide to rip apart our neighbors garden and shovel all their soil/plants on the fire to put it out. Someone must have called the police because maybe 20 minutes later two fire trucks and 3 police cars show up with their sirens so loud that literally everyone on our block is standing outside trying to figure out what the hell is going on. So it was a blast having to drunkenly explain what had happened in my underwear and only a T-shirt on a cold Autumn morning in upstate New York.
As all this chaos is going on, I realize that I have to be at the airport to catch my flight that was scheduled to leave at 7:30 AM ( it was probably 5:30 or so) and I had NOTHING packed. I literally ran inside and tried to rationalize what I would need to MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY and I ended up leaving behind a whole bunch of important things to me. My friend who was supposed to take me to the airport was wasted and passed out on our couch/swing thing in the back yard, and the cops wouldn't let any of us leave because we were all sincerely intoxicated. I ended up having to call and wake up my Dad (who I wasn't speaking to at the time which is why my friends and I had our own place) to see if he could take me to the airport. Since he hated my friends and the fact that I was around their 'bad influences' to begin with, he was more than happy to send my drunken ass off to Arizona. At least he bought me McDonalds breakfast.
I made it to my flight with my two carry ons and check my bags and all that and get on the flight at 7:35, Luckily there was a small delay because one of the flight attendants were late.
TIFU- by lighting my lawn on fire and being interrogated by the cops in a t-shirt and underwear in front of my entire neighborhood at 5:00 in the morning.
SnotRocketVoyager: How are you liking Arizona?
w00dboarder: It's not bad. I've met some really awesome people and I am engaged now. The job market is sincerely better. The heat is a fuckin' nightmare but that's probably my only complaint. Thanks for asking!
Rek3030: Isnt there scorpions in Arizona?
w00dboarder: Yes. My co-workers talk about them all the time but thankfully I haven't seen one yet. I hope I never do.
Gibboni101: It's not worth living there if you can't snowboard brah
| 6 | 3 | |
1408038209 | 1408078686 | t3_2dk3yr | t5_2to41 | 5,533 | Ambinevolence: TIFU by Discovering my Vagina [NSFW]
Growing up I was a stereotypical boy. Played with little toy guns and cars, peed standing up (via a spectacular penis), loved shop class, had a preoccupation with my female teachers... you get the idea. Having the appropriate amount of external protrusions, holes, and inclinations my gender and sexuality were always strongly "male." Then puberty hit.
While I'd always been attracted to women (and still am) I developed a sexual interest in men as well. It grew over the years and was kind of awkward; you know that weird feeling that you get when dealing with people you're attracted to? Well I started having that with almost everyone. My platonic friendships felt... uncomfortable... and by my early 20's I'd pretty much stopped developing new ones.
Around this time I took the plunge and with the help of the internet started having sex with men. I'd been having sex with women since I was 17 and it was great, but for the first time since I started dating I was single and there was just something about being penetrated that I really enjoyed. Sometimes it was a good experience, other times it was terribly painful. I chalked it up to "welp, that's buttsex for ya" and took it in stride.
In my mid 20's I was hospitalized with severe pain in my lower intestines. I never had ANY intestinal problems before but suddenly I was passing blood with my stool and thought that I'd somehow perforated my colon. Since I hadn't had anything inserted in a couple years at that point I was clueless as to what could have caused it and a little embarrassed; it turned out that my mother was the only person able to take me to the hospital and she INSISTED she stay until they figured out what was wrong. Nothing more uncomfortable than looking your mother in the face while a nurse inserts a few fingers into your ass to see if some foreign object is jammed in there. I ended up spending most of my hospital visit sedated due to the ridiculous amount of constant pain. After a week I was discharged with the prognosis of an ulcerated colon and put on an appropriate diet. Somewhat regularly since then I've noticed blood when I poop. This is regardless of being penetrated or not. For the last decade I thought this was just a normal thing due to colon ulcers.
This morning I woke up feeling rather horny for buttplay, and being unable to locate my buttplug decided to knuckle-bust the old starfish. I've literally never put my own fingers in my ass beyond the very first knuckle so this was a new one by me. For the most part it felt like any other rectum... except for a "mushy" spot about two inches in. At first I thought this was an ulcer and I'd have to abandon ship, but there was no blood... and rather than hurting when I poked it, it felt good!
Could this be my "male G spot" I'd heard so much about? I continued to prod with cautious curiosity, slowly building confidence and speed until the neighbor's dog startled me and... OUCH! My finger went "through" the soft spot. I pulled it out immediately. Then came the blood. I was concerned, but there wasn't really any pain after a few minutes - I still went to the hospital though.
I decided to give a fake name due to the circumstances, and as a result the doctor didn't have my old records. She asked me some routine questions and I explained what happened while I was being cleaned up, we made some smalltalk and joked around a bit to lighten the mood while she got the glove and lube ready, then in went her fingers. She pretty quickly found the spot, which wasn't sore at all by this point, and a strange look came across her face as she asked me, "Did you have gender reassignment surgery at some point?"
I assured her I've always been male - having gotten my penis into a variety of embarrassing situations as far back as I can remember I think I'd be aware if it wasn't around at some point. She assured ME that in her professional opinion I have a vaginal tube which opens to my rectum, and that although she wasn't a gynecologist she was pretty sure what I'd poked with my finger was a sort of hymen. She asked me if I wanted x-rays to confirm. Being rather surprised (and poor) I passed. Besides, I know where to go for answers.
It all makes sense now. I could never figure out why my mother was so adamant about being present during my hospital visit for intestinal pain all those years ago. While when I was a child my parents and the doctor would step out of the room and talk after each physical I had prior to coming back in and telling me I was superbly healthy. I don't know that this changes anything about my self-image - I've always been pretty comfortable with my sexuality and feel gender identity to be a rather secondary aspect of my personality. I still feel just as male as I did yesterday. Nonetheless I intend to confront my parents about this over the weekend and figure out WTF is up. Although not an outright lie I feel this would be a huge crime of omission on their part, and if it's the case that I was surgically altered to emphasize one specific gender I'm going to be rather pissed.
**TL;DR**: *I accidentally discovered I may have been born an intersex person, and my parents may have actively hidden that from me for my entire life.*
EDIT: FIXED! [Narration by Cyae1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zabXqs56IzM&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6&index=3)
EDIT 2: I will certainly be updating after I speak with my parents, and (probably) again after I see a specialist and find out more technical details.
EDIT 3: I may have popped my own cherry, but to the two of you who popped my gold cherry... thanks :) I feel remiss for not saying something sooner but wanted to pay it forward prior to acknowledgement.
[PART 2 IS HERE! You can stop flooding my inbox with requests.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2dwve9/tifu_by_not_simply_titling_this_the_mangina/)
wrenbirds: That is pretty messed up they kept something like that from you. Update us after you speak with them!
Ambinevolence: I will certainly update after the weekend.
There's a lot on my mind right now, mostly trying to justify my parents' actions. Since it was the early 80's being an intersex child in the midwest U.S. wasn't a very appealing prospect. There wasn't the same amount of tolerance/acceptance/desensitization as there is in the internet age; they may have simply been trying to save me a lot of trouble. Makes me feel like kind of a fool, though, for not picking up on it sooner.
OtakuSRL: Excuse my lack of knowledge (it's probably a terrible question), but does this mean you somewhat grew both parts, then? That's kind of interesting (hopefully you're not too upset, though), I never thought it worked like that. Do you still plan on identifying as a male, as well, then?
Ambinevolence: I have a fully formed penis and testes. I am unsure about the female plumbing as I just discovered it; I'm assuming it's not entirely functional. I'm still just as male as I ever was since my upbringing didn't really enforce the idea of traditional gender roles.
Lastandbest: The real question, can you impregnate yourself?
CochinBrahmaLover: No. Usually intersex people have 1 fully formed gender and 1 not fully formed, or 2 not fully formed. The chances of him having a full formed uterus is near impossible. Even then, he'd likely be sterile.
That said, OP, are you sterile? I'm kinda curious now.
Ambinevolence: Regarding the girlie bits... probably sterile. I've been doing a lot of research on this today and your post seems pretty accurate.
Insofar as the manparts... also probably. Back in 2000 I had a semen test which revealed a ridiculously low sperm count with low motility on top of it. For two years my wife and I (now my ex wife, for other reasons) tried for a pregnancy and it never happened.
jombeesuncle: Wow, I feel like when you got married would have been the time to have told you or when you were planning to get married. Keeping that from your wife was a pretty shitty thing to do. Some women really want kids of their own and having a husband who couldn't physically provide that could have been a deal breaker.
Had my ex wife been sterile I don't know if I would have married her. Surely I loved her but having children after I was married had always been a goal in my life. It definitely would have weighed on my mind. Can't blame you because you didn't know but that's a pretty damn big secret to keep from someone.
/end rant that that turned into
juhesihcaaa: I'm assuming he didn't know about the sterility until after they were married and trying to conceive.
jombeesuncle: Oh definitely, he's got no blame in this. It's kind of shitty of his parents though.
juhesihcaaa: The way your original post is phrased makes it seem like you're blaming the OP for not telling his wife that he was sterile when he didn't know...
Also, not being with someone because they might be sterile? That's a bit shitty.
jombeesuncle: I tried to word it specifically so it didn't come across that way. I guess I missed the mark.
Yes biological children are important to me, shitty or not it's been a driving factor for me since before puberty and giving that up willingly is something that would take incredible consideration.
Ambinevolence: I totally understand - for the longest time having my own biological children was a huge driving force in my life. Despite being aware of having rather nonviable sperm back in 2000 I knew that science would find a way eventually.
8 years later I tried mushrooms and thanked whatever god(s) may or may not exist that I dodged the parenthood bullet. Now I can sleep well through the whole night knowing my children won't suffer from whatever terrors humans inflict upon themselves and each other in the future. And EVERY time I think of them my children will appreciate me for it :D
| 14 | 395.214286 | |
1408045048 | 1408073006 | t3_2dk2w8 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Agreed...should have asked mom to jump in also. Could have put a saddle on that bitch. :)
6romperstomper9: Giddyup!
Claarity: Yee-hah!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408038931 | 1408102230 | t3_2dk5f7 | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing my girlfriend to commit a federal crime.
First, let's get some background information out of the way. I'm licensed to carry a firearm. I almost never leave home without it. (please leave your politics about guns at the door) My day job is delivering diesel fuel and gasoline to homes and businesses. So, I'm carrying a product worth it's weight in gold and sometimes large amounts of cash. My girlfriend works for the government in a federal building.
My girlfriend and I have been extremely busy over the last few weeks. She owns a home that she uses as a rental property. Her last tenant left the house a complete mess. We had a week and a half to get the house cleaned and painted before the next tenant moved in. We both work during the day and we spent our nights working on her house. I even took a few days off to work at the house. Normally, when I would work at her house, I had some junky gym shorts on. I would put my keys, wallet, and gun in her purse while we worked. That's totally irresponsible, I know! I never ever carry my weapon with one in the chamber. Anyway, we finished working that particular night and went home and went to sleep.
I had the next day off and planned on sleeping in and going to paint the house, she had to go into work early. Little did I know, my plan to sleep in wouldn't worked. I woke up the next morning to a phone call from her but with a male voice on the other end. This is "Ehdwyn"? Are you in a relationship with "xxxx"? Yes. "Ehdwyn, this is Agent Moulder with Homeland Security. My heart sank. "Your girlfriend was found to be in poesssion of a firearm on federal property"....Oh fuck. The agent asked me for all of my information, including my permit and where I bought the gun. I explained the situation over the week and how it was in her purse and the agent was understanding. The agent explained to me that she would be charged with having a weapon on federal property. She is in the process of obtaining her gun permit but hadn't finished yet. The agent made some phone calls and found out that she is already seen as having her permit, even though the application isn't finished. As I said, the agent was understanding and said he would speak to the judge on her behalf because neither of us have a record and it was an honest mistake.
Thankfully, my girlfriend isn't looking at jail time, the max she will get is a 300 dollar fine but it looks like the charges may be dropped. She is even able to keep her job! I felt like a piece of shit. Finally, she was released and allowed to call me and return to work. She called me and explained that she had been placed in cuffs in front of her coworkers and was in them for almost an hour. I felt even worse than before.
It's been almost a week now and everything is back to normal. She is awaiting her trial date. She got over it fast and we both joke about it now.
TLDR: Left my gun in my girlfriend's purse and she took it into a federal building and got arrested.
*probably lots of spelling and grammar mistakes. I wrote this on my phone.
icehaus: I thought you couldn't bring firearms onto federal installations even with a carry permit? Either way, good luck getting it resolved!
Larajill: Even with a permit, weapons aren't allowed to be on federal property. But the whole part of carrying without a permit makes it worse!
*I am the girlfriend*
icehaus: FWIW, your dude sounds like a stand-up guy. It's a crappy situation, but I'm rooting for you both.
Larajill: He's an awesome guy... I know it was an accident, so no reason to get pissy about it! (: thanks!
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1408038430 | 1408130761 | t3_2dk4e2 | t5_2to41 | 18 | ill_cum_everywhere: TIFU by masturbating irresponsibly
TIFU by masturbating irresponsibly (seems like a common thing on this sub). **TL;DR at the bottom**
A little context: I got a job this summer a little far from my home, so I'm staying at a buddy's house, let's call him Jeff, for a couple months. Thankfully, he has a nice guest bedroom that he let me use all to myself. I'm also absolutely mortified by bugs or insects. I don't know why, I just get that creepy crawly feeling in my skin whenever I see them. Killing bugs is also incredibly difficult for me; I just turn into a little girl whenever I have to catch a spider, big or small.
Onto my fuck up: I get back to the house after a long day of work and driving and I decide to spank one out. I'm sitting on the bed, lights are off, watching a nice porn, and prepare a couple of tissues. I unleash copious amounts of sweet, sweet semen into my tissues and use a couple of other tissues to ball up my mess. The *responsible* thing to do would be to properly dispose of my cum tissues. But Jeff hasn't furnished his guest room with a trashcan and I'm too lazy at this point to walk out of the room to the nearest trashcan to dispose of my ball of wrong doings. So I just leave toss it on the floor next to the bed, with the intent to throw it away in the morning.
Next morning, I wake up, go through my morning routine, and I'm just about to leave the house and I suddenly remember my ball of remorse sitting next to my bed. I go back to pick it up and make my way downstairs. I notice a small ant on my belt and I stop to flick it off, when suddenly my left hand carrying my semen wad feels like its covered in ants. *My left hand was covered in ants.*
I quickly expel the tissues out of my grasp and violently shake off the disgusting little black hairy specks from crawling up my wrist and forearm. I look back down onto all the tissues I drop on the floor and basically the fucking floor looks like its moving. All these fuckers are quickly dispersing and I'm standing there absolutely mortified by what I am seeing. I run back to the side of my bed and there's a whole fucking army of ants marching back and forth and my eyes are about to fall out their sockets.
I run downstairs to grab some oven gloves (I'm not touching that shit with my bare hands) and grab my wad of regret still covered in many live ants and throw it in the trash. (Probably not the best idea, I'll probably be writing an update when I get back from work). I sweep up the remaining ants into more tissues, whilst verbally cussing to myself and acting like a huge pussy. My hands are shaking at this point, but I manage to rid most of the ants from where I dropped them.
As for the army next to my bed, there were too many to deal with. I was already running late. I grabbed most of my stuff from the room and brought them downstairs. I'll deal with them when I get back.. Or probably move out.
**TL;DR** Masturbate into some tissues, leave the tissues on the side of my bed, attract an army of ants in the morning
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: OP, if you're in a room above-ground I'd suggest getting a professional to check out the house for infestation. It's a serious matter.
ill_cum_everywhere: please explain?!?
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Ants won't normally be on the second floor of the house, let alone in significant numbers. Unless you brought them in on some outdoor equipment (lawn chairs, outdoor cushions) they were probably already in the house.
In the walls or something. Has there ever been another issue like this?
LanLing: Does this also go for spiders too, because I've seen a spider in either my room or the bathroom every 2-3 days.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Nah, spiders go up. That's why there's always a ton of spider webs on roofs. However, if you had a couple spiders and they didnt die, they may have laid eggs. Then you'd have this:
http://i.imgur.com/AMfPzT9.jpg
LanLing: Haha I did not know what I was expecting when I clicked on that link, but oh my.
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1408040098 | 1408069553 | t3_2dk7tb | t5_2to41 | 32 | GoodLeftUndone: TIFU by thinking I finally had my revenge. Spoilers. I had to give a customer free orders for a loooong time.
The start of this story is 4th of July a few years ago. Me working as a general manager on a fairly busy day for us (as it normal is for us), and we get this huge $550 phone order.
Usually we verify everything, and as far as I remember since I sent the order out_ it was cleared. But, you guessed it, it was fake. The place it went to the guys were confused as shit. Plus it had been women that placed the order, and these guys said no women lived there.
So all this shit gets back to me and I'm fucking pissed. I'm trying to track down the assholes any way I can. Fucking bullshit. Nothing.
They kept calling to the same address for a while, nothing big ever again, just small orders, during rush. We started catching on to their voices and just hanging up.
The phone number on file was theirs and not the guys.
Finally they called during the day when I had a chance to take it. I put the number in, info pops up, blah, blah, in my mind I realize it's them!
I instantly lose my shit. Called the! Everything in the book. She's screaming back at me doing the same but also constantly saying she has no idea what I'm talking about about prank calls and that address.......
But I wasn't listening. I just kept screaming. Then I finally said "if you haven't been fucking with my store come down here and prove it." *click*
Then I just went back to my shit all pissed off for about 30 minutes.
That thirty minutes pass and I'm at my dough table, when from behind me, I hear me CSR greet a female customer only to be blasted with "IS THE FUCKING MANAGER HERE"
My balls flew so fast into my stomach it knocked the air out of me.
I turned around Immediately and started assessing the situation with her.(Wasn't pretty)
To keep it short. I tucked my tail between my legs like a little bitch. She had just gotten that phone (hence the number). Once I got her calmed down I explained my side of it all. With all of the pranks, especially the big one.
In the end she wasn't pissed at all. Her orders were free, for as long as I ran that store. She came in frequently and we always talked when she did.
TL;DR- customer got new phone number. New phone number used to belong to prank callers. Called a bitch out. Got called a bitch.
dxlevnee: What kinda store was it?
GoodLeftUndone: Pizza.
Triple_Entit: CSR here, sounds exactly like a Domino's
| 4 | 8 | |
1408042758 | 1408058693 | t3_2dkcy6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | thrwy9625: TIFU by attempting to have sex with my sleeping girlfriend
TheLostKat: Honestly, I don't think it's THAT big of a deal. Considering you guys were a long term couple who had sex before and the fact that she oked you fooling around with her while she slept right before she went back to sleep. The only issue I see here is that you 2 had a lack of communication by not discussing the outlines of how far you could go with that. Since this is something where the other person is very vulnerable it's really important to establish ground rules. If you are serious about fixing this, I would say you should try to have open and honest conversation with her. Start with an apology and explain how you didn't realize that that's where she drew the line and obviously you didn't mean her any real harm and it was a misunderstanding. More so promise her that you will be more attentive to detail and make sure you understand what she means in the future.
thrwy9625: Thank you, that's a much better response. That was what went through my mind during it: "well she said it was okay, but she never said how far.." and my horny mind decided finding out where the line was later was a better idea than not risking it.
maltedbacon: It's the wrong response however. Legally what you did would constitute rape in many jurisdictions. She clearly feels that it crossed a line, so you need to talk to a lawyer pronto, and stop making admissions online.
NewWhiteFeather: I know that is the law and everything, but I've never understood why it's an issue. I feel like if you're in a consensual sexual relationship with someone and you're sleeping in the same bed, there's nothing wrong with it. If she wakes up and says no, stop. There's no harm done though. It's something you have done before and intend to do again.
Why is it a violation?
maltedbacon: That's a great question.
My information is about 8 years out of date because I no longer work in the criminal justice system, and never did in the U.S., but maybe someone with more relevant information can chime in if I misstate anything.
I think that the answer lies in part with the fact that sometimes people misunderstand each other, and sometimes they change their mind without communicating that change.
Even in a situation where one person gives express consent to their partner to fuck them while they're drunk, stoned or asleep, there may be an occasion where they're upset enough to break up and/or press charges. Maybe they're thinking of breaking up with their partner and the unwanted sex is the straw, so to speak.
There are multiple cases of sleeping sex in that context, and in instances where it goes to court, a conviction often occurs. Sometimes it's because the consent wasn't broad or specific enough, sometimes it's because it's pretty clear the consent had expired, or the scope had changed, or because a condom wasn't used. But the leading case in Canada hinged on the issue of the inability to ensure that the sleeping person hadn't changed their mind.
In a similar vein, I was involved in a case where a couple in a long standing relationship had a fight, and they were used to rough sex where she was accustomed to saying "No" without meaning that he should stop. She had diluted the meaning of the word "no" and they didn't have a safe word. There was no way that she could withdraw consent in a way that he would reasonably be able to understand. He started to have what he thought was 'make-up' sex, but didn't complete the act once he realized that she really wasn't okay with it. He was convicted nonetheless, but the conviction was overturned on appeal (after he served significant time in jail).
I actually am not comfortable with the current state of the law as I understand it. I think that a couple should be able to expressly opt out of the need to obtain consent for every touch, grope, prod or thrust. I also think that the realities of the BDSM community require safe surrender of control. I think the Courts should uphold agreements whereby one party expressly consents and specifically waives the obligation to seek renewed consent until a safe word is spoken - and even if their ability to consent or withdraw consent is somehow impaired (provided that too is expressly agreed to).
NewWhiteFeather: First off, thank you for such a complete and engaging response.
>I think that the answer lies in part with the fact that sometimes people misunderstand each other, and sometimes they change their mind without communicating that change.
>Even in a situation where one person gives express consent to their partner to fuck them while they're drunk, stoned or asleep, there may be an occasion where they're upset enough to break up and/or press charges. **Maybe they're thinking of breaking up with their partner and the unwanted sex is the straw, so to speak.**
This was actually my first thought upon reading the OP.
>There are multiple cases of sleeping sex in that context, and in instances where it goes to court, a conviction often occurs. Sometimes it's because the consent wasn't broad or specific enough, sometimes it's because it's pretty clear the consent had expired, or the scope had changed, or because a condom wasn't used. But the leading case in Canada hinged on the issue of the inability to ensure that the sleeping person hadn't changed their mind.
This bothers me on a broad, philosophical level as well as a personal level. Because I'm terrified of something unusual happening legally, I've always made sure I had express permission at least twice during every casual encounter, and I have never had a casual encounter with someone under any sort of chemical influence. I use unusual loosely here, as it's not really all that uncommon for charges to be pressed.
As far as relationships go, I believe if you're a sexually active couple who are sleeping in the same bed, there is an implies consent. Especially if married. If someone has changed their mind and continued to sleep with me without telling me, allowing me to believe that there's still love there, and they flip a bitch switch then I could argue that it's entirely not my fault and go to prison whilst being correct. What's more, I could argue that I had been emotionally raped (in my opinion the betrayal would be much more traumatizing and harmful) with objectively legitimate, if unsuccessful, logic.
maltedbacon: Excellent points. Honestly, I think the Courts are grossly out of touch with how most people actually conduct themselves in sexual relationships.
I agree that enthusiastic consent should be enough to protect a person from legal consequences if they accidentally and briefly go too far, and everything was done in good faith.
| 8 | 0.875 | |
1408041226 | 1408069464 | t3_2dk9yw | t5_2to41 | 208 | itsallhank: TIFU... by super-gluing my eye shut.
As usual, this did not happen today or I would have moved to Mexico. I was 14 and on my 3rd orthodontic retainer. My parents had issued a stern warning that if I break another retainer, I was paying for the 4th one out of my pocket, ie: allowance. Being 14, stupid and irresponsible, I broke it. That is NOT the TIFU part...
My parents had been out for the night bowling with some friends while I stayed home playing video games. I had the retainer in my pocket of my JNCO jeans, which were the coolest at the time, when my buddy and I started wrestling. He was Hacksaw Jim Duggan and I was Jake the Snake. Not even 30 seconds into the 'match' we hear a crack noise. My 3rd retainer is now broken. I got into panic mode and we start a list of ways to hide this or fix this. No.1 Solution is to super glue that shit.
I hit the garage, find the super glue, clear my dads workbench and we start to get things ready. Imagine 2 kids about to perform surgery for their lives. We have the retainer placed carefully on the workbench, all ready to be glued back together, tip of the superglue directly against the crack. Well I will be damned if the superglue won't come out of the container, no matter how hard we squeeze. Now as a 14yo kid, I had no idea about the whole 'poke a hole in the end before every use" thing that most adults just assume is common knowledge. I think to myself that 'I am soooo close to getting away with this, I just NEED some glue'. We decide using a pair of pliers to squeeze harder than my feeble fingers can was a perfect idea. I get the pliers around the tube, line if the tip over the crack and squeeze like my life depended on it. Not smart.
When it came down to the rock hard superglue at the tip or the lightly crimped aluminum tube to give way, the tube busted open like a wet paper bag. And that glue went straight backwards into my eye. I knew right away by the pain that I fucked up. I ran to the bathroom to wash whatever I could away. Within a minute, the water was just washing over dried superglue and my entire eye was glued shut. There wasn't a damn thing I could about it.
I called my neighbor who ran over and immediately brought me to the hospital. She contacted my parents who met me there. The doctors had to shave my eyebrows and cut my eyelashes to get my eye open. Then remove the dried superglue in my eye. I had a patch on my eye for 5 weeks and of course, my friend told everyone. To make this worse, my father still made me pay for a new retainer and banned me from touching glue until I was 18.
Still to this day if I rub my eye really hard, the eyelashes will just fall out.
TL;DR Squeezed superglue with pliers and it gets into one eye. Had to shave eyebrows/eye lashes and wear an eye patch for 5 weeks. (Thanks u/tyes77)
gigisalinas: Wow I've never heard of anyone gluing their eye shut :) congrats XD
itsallhank: My parents even looked into suing the company, but the pliers marks on the container put a quick end to that.
Ucatsuton: Hang on, people! Really? Are we seriously downvoting OP for something **his parents** did, not him?
itsallhank: I don't blame them for down voting. The Doctors recommended they get a lawyer and inquire about the safety of the packaging. After they took some time to think about it, they realized I was stupid and it's not the company's fault for not making the packaging able to withstand 50 lbs of pressure.
| 5 | 41.6 | |
1408046296 | 1408063579 | t3_2dkjoi | t5_2to41 | 27 | TheSecretSoul: TIFU by making my GF faint in the shower.
Well actually i'm the gf and it happend a few years ago but i didnt know how to phrase the titel differently...THFU today he fucked up? :P
So a bit of background: as we used to live at our parents home and the bathroom was occupied in the mornings when i wanted to use it, i used to put my make-up on in my bfs room and we'd shower together afterwards.
So this one day we are in the shower and i feel really shitty under the hot water because of my low blood-pressure, so i tell my bf not to splash me with the water. He misunderstands, thinking i've put my make-up on already and holds the water right into my face (he claims it were only a few drops, felt like a waterfall to me) and i immediatly faint. He caught my head just in time before it would'av fallen onto a stone step inside of the shower. Appearently you have no chance to lift a limp, wet body out of the shower, so i woke up huddled on the showers floor, no idea what had happened, staring into the look of horror of my bf trying to talk to me but my hearing wasnt back yet. Oh and i faint with my eyes open :D deserved him right :D
Tl;dr i tell bf not to splash me because of my low blood-pressure, he thinks it's because i'm already wearing make-up, splashes me, i faint with my eyes open, he wasn't warned of such events beforehand and is totally shocked.
UnknowableThings: "we used to live at our parents home" you and your boyfriend share parents?
Brovahkiiin: That's normal right?...right?
UnknowableThings: Sharing is caring
Kill_All_Trolls: Unless it's herpes. Then that is a not-care-share.
g0ldbar: Herpes, the gift that never goes away.
Kill_All_Trolls: Worst gift ever. Do not want.
g0ldbar: Then stay away from my fiance's ex and his wife, they had a habit of constantly cheating on eachother and now they share a permanent gift. That's what the fuckers get. Hahaha
Kill_All_Trolls: Karma's a bitch, ain't she? ;)
g0ldbar: Indeed, she is also fun to watch. :D
| 10 | 2.7 | |
1408044388 | 1408107259 | t3_2dkg0r | t5_2to41 | 13 | joejoeboom: Tifu by falling asleep with my phone playing music.
So I fell asleep with earbuds in and woke up to my alarm the next morning and an email from amazon thanking me for my order. In my sleep I had ordered an asus 23.6" monitor.... When the package comes in on Saturday I will post a pic.
tl;dr tifu for falling asleep with my phone and sleep ordering a monitor.
heilspawn: but you still had to sign on to the internet and log on to amazon.
need more details
joejoeboom: I had the app
heilspawn: yeah but you need to press several buttons
the app button, the home screen, etc
needs more details
joejoeboom: I had the app an one click to buy enabled. Will edit that in though.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1408041649 | 1408066287 | t3_2dkasa | t5_2to41 | 4 | Eighteen2018: Tifu- by not closing the deal
So I work at an airport. I meet a lot of people but never really connect with any of them. Till today. Yes it happened today. So for whatever reason I have to check something she has and notice she have some toradora manga.( very pretty not that it matters but always a plus) Having just re watch the anime not too long I comment on it. Then we start talking about all the anime. ( sao, clanned, code geass, etc). She's with two family members not sure if grandma or not. 2 women. She starts asking me some questions. About Facebook and we keep talking and switch over to games. She played wow as did I. Then we both play league. So I'm like Yea I play quite a bit she tells me that she want to lvl so I'm like oh u should add me. give her my league info. Her grandma is like I knew you two would find a way. As I see then walking to their gate I'm like fuck pretty sure I would have gotten her number. So in about 10 mins I'm like Yea I'll walk by and if I see her I'll ask or keep talking. so I'm down there as soon as I see her god Damn boss comes down with shit I have to do. So I'm like, yea about that I'm on break. Fucker like Nah ur on break in 10 mins. After much "discussion" I'm like well she should still be there in 10 mins. Nope. So yea. Fuck.
Tifu_ meeting awesome and beautiful girl and not ask for her contact info.
frozenanuran: And now you can hack into the airports database and became a full fledged stalker.
Eighteen2018: How the fuck would I do that? Not even sure how u got to that point.
frozenanuran: Where there is a will there is a way.
frozenanuran: Doesn't have to be so dramatic. Call up some favors to get the info. But then you give off a stalker vibe. Don't listen to me I'm pretty crazy.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1408049114 | 1408076411 | t3_2dkot2 | t5_2to41 | 103 | IFartOnHipsters: TIFU by making a vagina joke in the IRS office.
So I'm a security guard for a company that is contracted out yada yada I do security in various federal buildings. The other day I was at an IRS office when a married couple walked in with a baby in a stroller. This is how the conversation went.
Me: Hey guys how's it going? Your sons adorable, how old is he?
Husband: 6 weeks
Me: Ah just got him then!
Husband: Yup, brand new baby!
Me: Straight outta the box!
There then proceeds to be an awkwardly long amount of time where they both look at me (and I swear the baby too) the wife cracked an awkward smile, I gave them a ticket and sat back down.
It was not intended to be taken that way.
soalone34: maintain your dominance and inquire her about if the box was damaged in any way/shape/form and if it had affected the shipping and handling costs.
IFartOnHipsters: I wish I thought of this. Totally would've worked out well haha
Ja-air-ed: Yeah, would've worked out with you getting charged for sexual harassment.
IFartOnHipsters: Looks like someone missed the train to sarcasmville
Ja-air-ed: Sorry, still am a bit jet lagged from flying to StickUpAssistan
IFartOnHipsters: That sucks man at least you're not in Iraq. Well both be headed there soon enough probably.
| 7 | 14.714286 | |
1408049039 | 1408064235 | t3_2dkonm | t5_2to41 | 5 | bigced97: TIFU by almost having to go to the hospital by swimming in the intracoastal waterway.
So I'm at my friends house (who lives right off the intracoastal like the water is his backyard) and were in his pool tossing a ball around. My friend throws it too hard and the wind carries it into the intracoastal. My 2 friends decide it is a lost cause but i think why not ill just get it and i climb down the ladder of the dock into the water. The bottom rungs of the ladder are covered in sharp barnacles and little did i know, there was a really sharp one in the water just below the ladder and it was hard to see. I manage to get in and start swimming in the nasty water. I swim about 20 feet and get the ball and toss it towards the ladder so i can swim more easily. As i am swimming back the current/wind pushes the ball right into some barnacles and, just my luck, it pops. As i swim back to the ladder, there is a foam platform about 5 sq feet and i climb onto it to make it easier to get onto the ladder because the bottom 2 rungs are just about useless. I have one leg on the foam platform and with my shitty coordination and balance i manage to tip the platform over and i fall back in the water. My natural instinct for some reason was to kick out me feet in the water to swim back up for air and as i do this, i kick right into a group of barnacles below the ladder but i feel nothing and am unaware of what has happened. On my second try i manage to get on the foam platform and climb up the ladder to the dock which is when one of my friends says "shit dude ur foot is bleeding". I look down and my foot is bleeding everywhere so we quickly grab a water hose and wash all the blood away. We managed to stop the bleeding and i take a look at the cut and think "shit i might need stitches on this one". I ended up using some neosporin to disinfect and then using anti-bacteria bandaids. I waited till the next day and decided that it was under control and i did not need stitches because the wound had already started to close itself.
TL;DR I cut open my foot on some barnacles and bled all over the place and almost needed stitches.
Proof/Pictures (warning mildly gorry)
http://imgur.com/a/oLP3u
HoneyBadger115: Holy **** OP! I really think you should go to the hospital for that. The cut itself looks deep and it may take more that a few days(maybe even weeks) to heal. But let me say this...you had 1 job
bigced97: Haha thats exactly how i felt when it popped… I don't think the hospital is necessary especially at this stage because it seems to be healing itself pretty well.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408051546 | 1408072792 | t3_2dkt2i | t5_2to41 | 11 | Tipsly: TIFU By Trying to See if I Got a New Guitar
Chukwuuzi: Blackmail her for the guitar.
Tipsly: I've actually been thinking about this a lot. But for a Xbox One(Being 16 and at home 24/7 gets boring) and the bass. I don't know, theres lots of downsides but me and her already have a shitty relationship so I'm just thinking about doing it, and if shit hits the fan I'll go live with my Dad, who I've already been contemplating living with even before this whole ordeal.
jonishot: do it OP.
Tipsly: If this gets any kind of fame I will do it and post an update.
jonishot: that really makes me wanna link this in my fb hahaha
Claarity: reach for the stars!
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1408052241 | 1408067820 | t3_2dku8n | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to kiss my mother's friend.
First off - the usual disclaimer - wasn't actually today, it was a few days ago.
Me: I'm 19 in a couple of weeks, second year at Uni (in Australia) and like many of my fellow 18 year olds, I spend most of my spare time in fantasy land. I have taken a real shine to the older woman (MILF's, as our American cousins would call them) and spend many idle hours viewing pictures from /r/gonewild, current favourites include, but not limited to, /u/DecoDamsel, /u/djc42 and /u/Purpleorchid27.
My story begins (and ends) after lectures finished at 3:00. A few of us headed to the Uni Tavern and sank a few pints of Guinness. I got home just as a workmate of my mother was leaving. She has recently moved here from the US, and Mum has befriended her, helping out getting her new house set up etc. It turns out we have an old kitchen appliance that chops, slices, whatever, like I would know, and it has been deemed to be surplus to our domestic requirements. So new friend gave my mother a lift home and was over to pick up the KA to give it a second life in her new home.
The Lady in Question: About 40 (I'm guessing here, but without pinching a look at her driver's licence, I can't get definite answers). Quite pretty in a conservative way - i.e. shortish hair, doesn't wear lots of make up, no tight jeans, no tits hanging out the top of her blouse. A bit hippy like (but to Australians, all Americans seem to be split into one of two categories – seems they're either hippies or gun nuts) And like all Americans (NB small sample taken), she is very friendly - always smiles at me when she's over, asks how the study goes etc. Essentially, a nice person. One other thing, when she arrives and leaves, she kisses everyone, just a little peck on the cheek – that sort of thing. BTW - This is NOT normal Oz behaviour, except in TV land.
So - as I arrived home from the tavern, she's leaving with the KA, a rather heavy thing in a large cardboard box. Mum asks me to carry said box down to the car for her friend. No worries says I. As we walk to the car, mum gets a phone call - a quick summary of the conversation is: into the phone - yea - I'll check - to friend – apologies, but needs to go inside. A quick kiss and goodbyes, see you later's etc and Mum goes inside talking on her phone.
I walk to the car, and TLIQ thanks me for carrying the KA to the car and says in a jokey manner how lucky that there was a big strong man available. I joke back about my usefulness to society - I'm not very clever but I can lift heavy things - general pleasantries are exchanged.
At this stage, various ingredients merge together in a perfect storm:
1) General naughty thoughts about older women.
2) Four pints of Guinness (or was it six – I didn't count) causing a catastrophic drop in inhibitions.
3) Add in the fact that TLIQ is American, and as every schoolboy can attest, they are well known for their freer sexual habits – I mean, you just have to read the glossy mags.
As the KA is manhandled into the car, my imagination sees the future beckon. When she leaves and is ready to apply the customary peck on the cheek, I will kiss her passionately on the mouth, she of course will respond in kind, obviously turned on by my youthful charm combined with my rippling muscles displayed in carrying said KA. After the kiss and embrace, I would brush my hand across her cheek, delicately pushing her hair behind her ear and resting my hand on the back of her neck. I tell her she looks beautiful as I slide my arm around her waist and hold her close. She looks at me, bites her lower lip while glancing toward the house, thus indicating her moral dilemma - does she betray the trust of her friend by contemplating a sexual relationship with a good friend's handsome young son (that's me BTW), or does she respect the friendship, relinquish her strong desires and dismiss her future happiness. She whispers to me "Can you call me later - maybe we can meet on the weekend??"
And I'm pretty sure that as I imagined this, a cello was playing in the background, a bit like that advertisement for Lindt chocolates, and I also see myself looking a bit James Bond like, but those embellishments could be attributed to the Guinness. It seems my imagination trumps my planning every time.
And now, sadly, for what actually happened – as expected, she turns to peck me on the cheek - I turned my face to get some lip on lip action. I get my mouth open about 2 millimetres, there’s a slight push of the tongue, and TLIQ jumps back about ten feet, looking at me with a mixture of shock and mild disgust - maybe not as bad as if I had farted at a wedding, but right up there with finding a slug under a lettuce leaf in the salad.
We both blurted out apologies, mumble would be a better description, it was all "Sorry, no, no, I, err, err, ah, sorry" that sort of thing as we talked over each other, looked at the ground, shuffled feet etc. I suspect I was the more embarrassed of the two, but it was a close thing to be sure. She half smiled at me a few times – I did the same to her as she got in the car. I think we were both trying to pretend it didn't happen – I know I was. A quick "Say thanks to your mother for the KA" and she drove off.
TL;DR – I tried to kiss an older woman, just embarrassed everyone. Beer and fantasy worlds don't mix.
fundayz: So what you are saying is you sexually harassed someone more than twice your age? That's kind of hard to blame on 4 beers... you can't even pretend to be drunk at that point.
This should be in /r/cringe.
So-Cal-Sector-9: Major plot holes here. Either he was sober, or he's not Australian. 4 beers? The maths just don't add up!
asprokwlhs: He said four pints.
I am on mobile, can someone convert that to ml please?
So-Cal-Sector-9: Just under 475ML per pint
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1408055950 | 1408082222 | t3_2dl0ee | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking masturbatory advice from reddit
Yesterday I read some comment about jacking off into a cup, cleaning it, and then reusing it. So last night before bed I went into the kitchen, pulled a Solo cup out of a cabinet, went into my bedroom, and did my thang. I went back into the kitchen, washed it out in the sink, and put it on the counter. Then I went to bed. So today I was just playing some Fallout in the living room when my brother walks in and starts watching. I look over at him, and by this point you probably figured out what he was drinking out of.
XTHOUGHTX: Dude, nooo. That's your flesh n blood. Messed up. I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye for a very long time.
Wahnsinnn: And apparently his jizz.
| 3 | 8 | |
1408055237 | 1408078279 | t3_2dkz8r | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU By sleeping with my neighbors sister. NSFW ish
Ok, so here I am on a weeknight having a few brews on the patio and relaxin' with the old man and jamming to the new Judas Priest album (Kick ass by the way), and my neighbor and his sister swing on over for a cold one. Everything is going good, music, tunes, friends, family ect.
It wasnt until my old man took off for the night and my neighbor went to grab food (didnt come back for hours) and left his 20 y/o sister on my patio with me. Im 27 years old and this was the last thing on my mind when it came to her, aside from the fact she is smoking hot.
So anywho, I just tell her im gonna shove off and go in for the night seeing as how im up at 5am for work. I go inside and just on to see whassap with the fellow redditors and I hear my exterior door open. It was about 11pm so I jumped up and grabbed a machete next to my couch and walked to the door in my boxers. I opened the deadbolt and swung the door open and there she was. Standing there in her little black booty shorts with the top button undone and zipper half down showing her black/grey thong she was wearing. Needless to say im half naked and began to chub with a machete in my hand so I had to ask what she wanted.
She said she wanted to chill and have a beer cause she was bored So I tossed her one and she took a plop on my couch. We sat down and looked to the tv to what I was watching (Cannibal Holocaust) and she was not impressed, scared more like it. I watched on anyways not really thinkin about it. That is until she pulled out my rock hard johnson and began to go to some serious work on it. I mean holy christ. Throwback to the great depression this chick was working so hard.
Needless to say it escalated pretty quickly and it turned into the full blown porno scenario. Only part about this that is TIFU is that I kinda feel guilty that its my neighbors sister and me and him are chillin/drinkin buddies. Oh Well.
Cheers.
f_unit: Iunno man sounds like she's hooked up with her share of dudes. Assuming your neighbor isn't hopelessly naive he probably has a good idea of his sister's recreational preferences and should be ok (assuming he ever finds out) about the two of you having a quickie (or two) as long as you don't get in his face about it.
Of course I've never met the guy so who knows. Might want to check around for new living quarters just in case.
HaunT3d_87: Yeah, well I planned on moving this next month anyways. Its not something i'm worried about anyways. It was a bullshit drunken shenanigan that shouldn't have happened, but it did, and so the world turned. All i'm thinking about is taking this as a lesson. 'Nuff said.
[deleted]: Pfff OP plz, this isn't a fuck up. If I was you I'd try to get it in one more time before moving.
HaunT3d_87: I need more support from people like you! :D
Slayerz2000: DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1408056989 | 1408058769 | t3_2dl23p | t5_2to41 | -10 | ChickenThings: TIFU by sex masturbation penis vagina [NSFW]
ChickenThings: What the bells... Somebody is giving down ballots to my OC even when it contains NSFW elements. Sometimes I can't understand you reddit.com...
guacamole_sourcream: Why was it removed? I wanted to show all my friends the great story. Mind sending it to me in a PM so I can show it to them?
| 3 | -3.333333 | |
1408056188 | 1408151765 | t3_2dl0uk | t5_2to41 | 3 | I_Noah_Guy: TIFU by farting and giving my grandfather a heart attack
VictorVonDoomPhD: That could have ended really shitty.... No pun intended.
Feel_Bad_You_Should: No, you intended for that to be a pun, and it was a bad one at that. You should feel bad about trying to hard to be funny.
VictorVonDoomPhD: Why would I feel bad when I wasn't trying?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1408057693 | 1408070040 | t3_2dl38l | t5_2to41 | 10 | beaster-bunny: TIFU by forgetting to wash my hands before i went to the bathroom.
I work in an HVAC shop and my job is to insulate pieces of metal for installation in houses and big businesses. My hands have gotten use to the itchy fiberglass, and sometimes i wear gloves, but today i did not. And i forgot to wash my hands before i went to the bathroom and now my dick really itches.
drdeadringer: You insulate that dick, soldier, and don't you forget to launder your underwear either.
beaster-bunny: Sir yes sir.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408057853 | 1408120209 | t3_2dl3hz | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a financial idiot and not being honest with my wife
Well, not really today exactly, but thats when its all come to a head. This started 3 years ago. I handle all the finances and a few years back we got a credit card, our first shared card. Prior to this we had only had one card and we paid it off together and got rid of it. Within a year of having the new card i managed to rack up a lot of debt. I took out a loan on my 401k and paid it off. Fast forward a year aaaand i managed to do the same damn thing. Took out another loan and paid it off. That time the wife said if it happens again she's leaving. Fast forward to today and ive managed to do it yet again.
Im a fucking retard and may have ruined the best thing has ever happened to me.
Don't ever take on your families finances yourself, ALWAYS include your spouse and ask for help BEFORE things get bad.
I seriously hate myself right now :(. I only hope i can find a way to fix this and move forward being better from the experience. I love her too much to lose her.
dmohr02: Yeah, thats a very good point. I always kept telling myself i could figure it out, I can handle it. Wrong.
[deleted]: clearly you can't handle this. You have had a series of poor judgment and this is just another FU. Next time you go out and buy something, don't. Wait a while and see if you "really" need it.
dmohr02: Your right, I cant. It was rarely impulse purchases or things i wanted, it was typically thing more along the lines of bills and things that were behind or cash advances for vacations. Equally as stupid stuff and also all signs i was in over my head
Voyager5555: > cash advances
This is on par with payday loans for just flushing your money down the toilet.
dmohr02: Actually, while it was still driving up my debt, this CU had no additional interest on them, it was no different than a charge at a store.
Regardless of that, still dumb.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1408061811 | 1408139440 | t3_2dl9to | t5_2to41 | 657 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to a nude beach
5 days ago, mygirlfriend and I went on a trip to her hometown in central-western California. We live in Portland, Oregon so it's a nice change of weather. While driving around looking for stuff to do, we found a great beach. While looking around the beach, we saw a sign pointing to a designated nude beach area. The next day, we went there (because why not?). I may be white, but for some mystical reason I tan very well. I didn't wear sunscreen. Later, we went back to the hotel we were staying at. After a while, we were about to engage in sexings. The moment she touches my dick, I jump back and practically scream in pain. Then a terrible realization...occurs and I realize my penis is sunburned. The rest of me may tan, but my groin doesn't often see sunlight. Wearing clothes hurt. So now, 3 days later, my sunburnt dickskin is starting to peel. Pain
Tl;dr- sunburned wang
foldychip: Are you circumcised? If so, that's not skin. From tip to scar is like the inside of your mouth - it was never meant to be permanently exposed. Because your inner foreskin remnant cannot tan to protect itself, it will always burn.
[deleted]: I am circumcised. Does that mean I will always have a burnt dick?
Edit- I wait in fearful anticipation.
cjgerik: Yeah, probably just gonna have to chop it off or something.
[deleted]: I hope that you're wrong, but we'll see how it plays out.
Or I will. You'll find out too, but later.
ambivertsftw: It just means that it will theoretically never tan so whenever it is exposed to sunlight for a while it will burn. So... Use sunscreen next time.
[deleted]: Well at least I will not lose it. I wonder if the skin will be more sensitive than before.
ambivertsftw: I doubt it. It is basically scar tissue on the outside. In any case, you'll be fine. But seriously, wear sunscreen. Even just a little will save you a tonne of trouble.
Tommy84: >wear sunscreen. Even just a little
Dude's got a burnt dick. You don't need to make fun of him too.
[deleted]: Or does he?
I guess not.
| 10 | 65.7 | |
1408062450 | 1408062811 | t3_2dlasz | t5_2to41 | 13 | IkeandMikes23: TIFU Failure to date
I'm not really sure the best way to start this out but I've recently broke up with my first actual girlfriend. SO i decided to go out with the boys and have a bbq. Everything was great, the salmon and brots were awesome.
I started texting this girl I've known for a while and we decided to make plans to go out and make pizza. So i ditched my bro's and cruised up to her house to go pick her up. She comes out looking as gorgeous as ever.
This is when all hell broke loose. Within two minutes I start having an anxiety attack. I told her what was happening and she happened to be a nurse, so she told me to hold my breath but that wasn't working. I pulled into a gas station and tried to calm myself. reluctantly she told me she could drive, we switched seats then i get that sick feeling in my cheeks. I get out and throw up all over the parking lot. So she drove my back to her house and by then I had calmed down. Then she said we could hang out another time and told me to go home. So I did.
I'm not sure if its the stress of trying to put myself out there or some sort of food poisoning from what I had ate. Its been a week and she hasn't replied to any of my texts. TIFU
Edit: It was just a date to get pizza, nothing more.
soalone34: Did this kind of thing happen before?
IkeandMikes23: Not to that extent. Anxiety happens a lot but that attack was the worst I've had.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1408055565 | 1408113235 | t3_2dkzsd | t5_2to41 | 23 | jdxno7: TIFU by forgetting I moved something.
Today, I fucked up, royally. I got a caramel apple at the county fair this past weekend and had it in the fridge. Yesterday, I went to eat it but it was no longer there. I asked my boyfriend if he saw it, he said it was there this morning. Called boyfriend's dad, said he didn't even know there was one. Boyfriend's mom cleaned out the fridge yesterday so we asked her, she said it was in there. We looked everywhere for it, not to be found. She even looked in the garbage ro convince herself she hadn't thrown it out. I was really sad we couldn't find it because I really love caramel apples but rarely treat myself to them. Boyfriend got supremely angry (has a slight temper, plus an infected tooth, so even less patience than usual) and ended up breaking the front door when he slammed it yelling about how nobody can leave stuff alone.
My boyfriend demanded his mom get me another one as her throwing it out was the only thing we could think happened but I told her not to worry about it.
I went to my house this morning and went into the fridge to get my breakfast. There, right in the middle of the shelf, was my fucking caramel apple; in all its chocolatey-peanutty goodness. I completely forgot about bringing it to my house the day before yesterday. I even mentioned it when we were looking for the missing apple saying "I couldn't have brought it home because I woke up really late and ran out of the house".
I ate the caramel apple with my lunch and basked in its glory. I didn't tell either of them I found it because of how the search ended yesterday. I feel guilty (even though I know his reaction isn't my fault).
I got to his house after work and his mom hands me a tin of bakery pastries. She said she went all over the place looking for a caramel apple and couldn't find one, so she hoped this would do.
Fuuuuck.
Edit: his dad came home with a candy apple kit and some apples. I don't understand this really because they're usually not like that. They're more of an "oh well, you'll get over it" kind of family. Not the "let me make it up to you even though I didn't do anything wrong" kind.
Oh the guilt.
TheLurkingIT: Is your boyfriend covered in caramel? Sounds like he's got a stick up his ass.
SwagMasterChad: I second this, he sounds like a bit of a cock.
TheRealMcCoy95: Not trying to insult op but why do women like ass hole men? Seriously friend-zoned A+ boyfriend material over here!
caffeinefueled: its just the way of the world i guess
TheRealMcCoy95: Some women just want to see the world burn.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1408063926 | 1408109616 | t3_2dlcyi | t5_2to41 | 211 | TamiyaTA04: TIFU by accidentally losing my virginity to my gf's underage sister :/
Ok this is something I'm not proud of so, as u do, I'll share it on Reddit (all hail throwaways)
So I'm at my gf's house and we're making out and feeling each other up etc and we then agree that we'll go the *whole nine yards* later that night.
Fast forward to that night and I'm in the 3rd floor bedroom. There's one window but since my gf lives in the middle of nowhere there's no street lights so it's pitch black and you can't see shit, it's scary, but a good scary. I then hear someone come up the ladder and this person gets on tip of me and starts kissing my neck so I assume it's my gf.
10 minutes of foreplay later and I take the plunge. I go in and just as I get into my stride someone comes up the ladder and flicks on the light. Who is it? My gf. I then look at the person who I'd been fucking and it was my gf's sister.
Now I should explain they're both similar in terms of build and weight so in the dark it's the difference between a tomato and a tomarto but in the light you can tell them apart, easily.
My gf doesn't believe me when I say I didn't know it was her sister (I'm a bad liar and truth teller, thanks dad) and my gf says, "you've fucked up big time and if you think you and I are gonna, you know, it'd be the last time you ever use that thing" so valuing my manhood I hotfoot it out of there.
As I leave I see my gf's sister leaning up against the ladder, still naked and I went over to her. I knew that I had the opportunity to fuck her right there right then but I didn't I said to her, "that should've been your sister, not you. Your a nice girl and all but really, I can't finish what we started. It'd be the wrong thing to do. I'm sorry" I then kissed her on the forehead (she's small compared to me so it was the easiest thing to do) and I told her not to expect to see me again. I then leave, feeling like the worst person in the world.
I'm 16, almost 17 at the time so I don't drive and my parents said no to a moped or bike. This leaves me stranded outside 10 miles away from home and 3 miles from the nearest place that'd welcome me. So I have to walk 3 miles late at night down an unlit country lane with a old Nokia phone (the one with the built in torch) as a torch. It felt like I was playing real life slender.
TL;DR did the wrong person and had had to play real life slender to find somewhere to stay for the rest of the night
UPDATE: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2dvhj6/tifu_by_going_back_for_seconds/
grumpygooch: Score.
TamiyaTA04: But when you lose your virginity it needs to be with the right person and Audrey wasn't. I took a minors virginity and I'm not proud of it and she took mine.
Plus virgins are a messy affair. Because of when this was, internet was not in the reach of myself or friends didn't know about the blood. It was a surprise when I saw the dried blood.
sweetpea122: > I'm 16, almost 17 at the time so I don't drive and my parents said no to a moped or bike.
um if this is true you were also a minor
TamiyaTA04: I thought a minor was 15 or under
sweetpea122: I guess you arent in the US
TamiyaTA04: Nope, UK. A country run by a posh twat with a spoon up his arse.
yellowpumpkins: In Aus a minor is anyone under 16. 16 is also the age of consent here :)
AbsentmindedAsshole: Technically, anyone aged 12 up can have sex. As long as they are two years within your age limit, then it is legal. 12-14, 13-15,14-16, etc.
The restriction is removed once you are 18+ obviously
ChromeCyanide: What country is that? I've never heard that law before
AbsentmindedAsshole: [Australia :)](http://www.aifs.gov.au/cfca/pubs/factsheets/a142090/)
| 11 | 19.181818 | |
1408064963 | 1408116676 | t3_2dlejn | t5_2to41 | 14 | randomx8j7: TIFU by almost having a 3-way with my best friend and a 60-year-old lady (NSFW)
ok so this is my first ever reddit post and it is 100% true. I browse here from time to time and ive seen some people call bullshit on some of these jerk off stories (there seem to be a lot of them) but this happened last night so technically it was after midnight which still makes it today....
so I was at the bar with my best friend. this older lady comes up and sits in the bar stool next to me. she might not be 60 but she's def late fifties.
I'd seen her before. it was at the same bar on the patio outside and everybody working that night was glad when she left... she seemed like she could be a crazy cat lady... and i think she was hammered... i can't remember her name so lets just call her Flo.
she was cute for her age and she had a pair of tits so I'm down...
so anyway we talked and had a shot and a few beers... she was really cheap about what beer she bought... and I guess we walked back to my friends apartment because its close by....
the three of us drank and smoked some bud... played some music and sat on the couch and talked....
she kept wanting more weed but we didn't have any... she kept dry hitting the pipe which I thought was hilarious (I've smoked weed for 15 years and i'm just beyond smoking resin.... it's gross and i'd rather wait til I can just get more weed).
anyway so I started touching her back and rubbing her a little bit and she didn't seem to mind at all...
i walked to the gas station and bought another 12 pack and some cigarettes.... walked back to the apartment and resumed old lady rub-down...
this went on for a few minutes... maybe 5 maybe 10....
and my friend, lets call him max... he's rubbing on her too and next thing I know he's grabbing her tit....
I thought it was a bit early for that but she seemed to be totally ok with it....
so I said fuck it and dove in....
she had a pretty nice pair... all was going well... we were both getting gropey and she liked it..
she kept asking "what is going on?"
max replied "we're trying to have a 3-way."
I also thought that was too up front and early.. and not very suave either.. (I've had plenty of 3-way's with my ex wife and you kind of have to work you way up to things like that) I know how to work these kinds of moments and both times it felt like he jumped the gun...
next thing I know shes looking for her phone because it went missing...
I go to take a piss and leave the door open because fuck it...
she comes in asking if I have her phone...
I don't.... so I finish taking a leak....
and the next thing I know. Flo is scrubbing max's toilet with his toilet brush (max is actually pretty grimey and doesn't clean much... his toilet was, and still is a lovely brown color....)
she then takes the toilet brush up and starts scrubbing the top of the sink....
mind you we're both grabbing her and rubbing her and trying to get her to stop so we can continue our little fiasco...
finally I end up leaving the apartment with her.... and max decided not to join us...
we walk to her apartment which is conveniently right down the road...
we get naked... she has a pretty decent body so yay....
she turns the lights off and we get on the bed...
I went down on her and fingered her a lot.... she had a hairy pussy and i kind of like that on younger chicks... but either way its pussy and i was horny...
she farted...
very small and low volume....
anyway the fun continues....
she starts bitching about how much sweat i got on her bed....
there was a lot...
she wouldn't let me fuck her without a condom...
"i don't want to get aids" she says...
the only condom I have is in my car (it's the last condom from a box I bought a year ago, on vacation with my ex... we didn't have a lot of sex towards the end of our relationship... i went on a vacation with chicks everywhere and carried that condom with me for a week and ended up carrying it home too.... so sad......)
so i put my pants back on and walk down stairs shirtless....
i look outside the apartment building, mind you, I'm hammered drunk at this point, and i realize i don't know where i am....
so i cant get to my car and i cant get the condom....
so i go back upstairs and she asks "did you get it?"
"no i don't know where my car is"
i tried to fuck her a couple more times but she wouldn't let me put it in...
so i jerked off while rubbing her tits and spooged on her stomach....
grabbed something off the floor and wiped her off...
i put my clothes back on and we said our goodbyes and i walked back to the bar....
i called a friend and told her about it....
then i went in and told the bartender...
he laughed and said "really? no shit? GET THIS MAN A BEER!"
then max walked back in the bar or i went back to his place... cant remember.... anyway my car was at the bar like a block away i was just too discombobulated an hour prior to figure it out...
so i wake up this morning on max's couch....
go buy a pack of smokes and a coke (i lost an entire pack of smokes and my e-cig somehow between the gas station the bar and max's and flo's place)
i get back in my car and realize there is cum all over the front of my shirt...
so i go home and change and go to work... no time for a shower....
i smell like complete ass..
i tell all my friends about it....
I'm laughing all day at work about it...
i text max several times and ask why he didn't come run the train with me...
he told me that another friend showed up to his apartment....
i don't remember that happening....
max tell's me he thinks Flo stole $30 out of his wallet.
the end.
---------------
seriously tho I've been getting weak as fuck all day... the fact that all of this happened is too hilarious to me, i had to share it with you all... thanks for reading :)
WPBDoc: You really sound like a fine, upstanding citizen. Your momma must really be proud.
WPBDoc: Whoops, I misspelled "tool".
randomx8j7: this is what booze and desperation will do to a man. also, I'm going to have to be drunk when I tell my mom.
Voyager5555: Why, so you an try and fuck her?
randomx8j7: It's just going to be difficult to show her all the pictures if I'm sober.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1408065911 | 1408120071 | t3_2dlfyq | t5_2to41 | 7 | cheats47: TIFU by stepping on a rusty nail where my planters wart is.
This is my first fuck up. I'll try to keep this short.
I got my planters wart removed about two months ago, but I guess it grew back. I was at the beach (less than 1 hour ago) and I was having my siblings dig two holes so I can stick my feet in it. The kept on digging up rusty nails (I think I've already given the fuck up away by now) so when they were done I told them to make sure there was no nails in it before I stepped in. They said it was okay to go in so I did.
I step.
My life flashes before my eyes.
The pain is so unbearable I'm just standing there in shock not saying anything. Then my siblings decide to burry my feet in while I was in shock, I scream out I just stepped on a nail.
Oh shit I can't get out.
They dig me out, I go to the hospital, they remove it and give me a tetanus shot and I go out in a wheel chair.
Vacation successfully ruined.
EDIT: I only used the wheel chair to be wheeled out because I couldn't walk on my foot.
TheRealMcCoy95: Why would you need a wheelchair for stepping on a nail? I broke my foot and walked to the hospital and walked my ass out like a man. Did suck tho
cheats47: You know how hospitals are, my sister once passed out in a hospital and he needed a wheel chair until we got out. When my dad got out of sugury he needed a wheel chair until we got out. Hell, even when I went to the fucking dentist I needed to be wheeled out!
EDIT: check the other edit I just made.
kornel191: >sister,
>he
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408067756 | 1408127901 | t3_2dlilf | t5_2to41 | 127 | Bogan_Hero: TIFU by dropping Goatse in a job interview.
Today I fucked up.
So this actually happened to me a while back (it does involve Myspace after all) but it just came flooding back to me from the recesses of my brain reserved for painful memories, after just recently being introduced to TIFU and dwelling on such memories.
Here goes. So I am a web developer by trade but also dabble in graphic design. I have a portfolio website that has a bunch of my favorite work that I have done over the years. One day i was looking at my websites stats and noticed an unusual spike in traffic for one of my graphics. After investigating I found out that a DJ in the States somewhere was hotlinking my image and using it for his Myspace wallpaper. I didn't really care about the hotlinking thing, my web server plan allowed for heaps of traffic - However I started talking to a friend about it and we decided it would be hilarious to overwrite the image being hotlinked with the infamous Goatse picture of the Internet Shock halls of fame. We got a great kick out of it and this guys wallpaper was Goatse'd for a good 72 hours before he realized.
Anyways... Fast forward a few years later, a friend had recommended me for a job in a web company and I was offered an interview. During the interview, the interviewer pulled up my portfolio website on his laptop. He sifted through my work giving me the occasional nod of approval. Then all of a sudden he came across the aforementioned picture, said "this looks cool" and clicked the thumbnail. Goatse. To make things worse his laptop was connected to a fucking projector (thank God it wasn't a boardroom full of people). There was a long pause, and then this poor bastard in some kind of catatonic shock simply said "oh okay" and closed the window. Needless to say I was mortified. I explained the whole Myspace fiasco to him and he seemed semi-impressed, but he may have just been nodding his head, still in shock. Who knows. The guy never called me for a second interview.
TL;DR Some guy hotlinked a picture of mine for a Myspace background, I replaced it with Goatse and had a good chuckle, was too retarded to change picture back to regular image, Goatse'd a potential employer.
EDIT: Sorry to all the people I unintentionally Goatse'd by writing this piece.
WinterCharm: Note to self: no more google searching for things in TIFU posts.
o_O
I had never before seen this, and I never want to again.
kaenneth: Congratulations, you are in today's lucky 10,000!
http://xkcd.com/1053/
WinterCharm: Hahaha thanks. The XKCD is some small comfort while I sandpaper my eyeballs.
Silverlight42: well if you didn't know about that one.. you might not know the solution either.
eyebleach.com
or /r/eyebleach too I think
WinterCharm: Thank you. *hugs*
| 6 | 21.166667 | |
1408068080 | 1408145748 | t3_2dlj3x | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a nun why she doesn't have GPS.
BClark09: Most religious communities for priests & nuns have their members take vows of poverty. I've never come across an order that forbade the use of technology, but it's not a stretch to say that they don't own a GPS or a smartphone as that would go against their vows.
Not really a fuck up on your part. If nothing else, you learned something new today.
[deleted]: I was wondering the same thing. I have seen nuns use cell phones. If she can drive, why couldn't she use a phone? Now I want to know how she called us.
BClark09: A basic cell phone isn't out of the question if they're using it for work. A brand new iPhone or whatever the hot Android phone of the day is would be considered "unnecessarily extravagant" for what they would need. Some orders are more relaxed when it comes to such policies given that it's 2014 and technology is kind of a necessity these days.
As far as actually using a phone goes, they're Catholic nuns, not Amish. ;)
| 4 | 1.5 |
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