start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1408073234 | 1408170851 | t3_2dln9w | t5_2to41 | 6 | Teotwawki69: Would you prefer "TIFU by masturbating on a blank, signed check and then losing it?"
YukiHyou: Then it wouldn't be blank, would it?
Teotwawki69: Blank enough to be forged.
YukiHyou: > "Yes, your Honor. That is my DNA."
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408070667 | 1408120732 | t3_2dln2c | t5_2to41 | 43 | MISTABIGNASTY: TIFU By Doing Karate In The Garage.
Okay. So this happened yesterday so yesterday I fucked up. I own a Jeep with a removable top and the only way to hold up the back window is with this wooden broom handle that I have in the back of the vehicle. It was a nice day so I took the top off and took the pole out of the back because I didn't need it at that moment anymore. I was in my garage with my friend and I started to spin the pole around yelling stereotypical karate phrases. After a few minutes of karate with my friend, I drop the stick and instead of picking it up like a "normal" person would, I tried tried to kick it up in to the air like a karate guy. I failed the first time and it landed weird inside of a shallow a box. My first instinct was to kick the box and have the stick fly up so I can catch it and keep doing karate. I go to kick the box and the pole gets stuck in the box and it flies up and hits me **square in my fucking eye.** I proceed to drop to my knees and swear until the pain goes away. I get up and ask him how it looks and he says, "Well, at least you aren't bleeding." We stand there in my garage for a few moments reflecting on what had just happened and I feel a tear coming out of my injured eye. I go to wipe it off and... *blood.* I managed to break the skin right next to my eye and started to bleed while we had been standing there. I now have a swollen and somewhat black eye, along with a decent sized cut right next to my eye. I am now known at work as "The guy who got his ass kicked by a broom."
tl;dr: Was doing karate in the garage, dropped my weapon of choice, now have a mortal wound on my face.
Jarbatalapus: >I am now known at work as "The guy who got his ass kicked by a broom."
There is no title with greater honor.
MISTABIGNASTY: Old man comes and hands me a pole carved from the hardest wood in the world. "You've earned it son." Becomes master martial artist.
Jarbatalapus: >hardest wood in the world
Must... Not... Make... Dick... Joke...
MISTABIGNASTY: I thought that after I typed it!!
rob_var: You've earned it son!!
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1408070158 | 1408084724 | t3_2dlmb8 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Cmm9580: TIFU by talking to a clown
So....
I met a couple friends after work for Happy Hour. It was a mixed group of guys and girls. After a couple drinks and shots I am talking to one of the women who is, let's say, corpulent. She regularly wears an inordinate amount of makeup (think Mimi from the "Drew Carey Show"). I asked her how long it took her to apply her makeup each day and why she wore so much. I was not trying to be a dick, but after a couple drinks my filter disappears. I was honestly curious. She, very honestly and openly, said that it takes her about an hour and she doesn't like the way she looks without it. She feels fat. I said that I understand the feeling of insecurity, but her time might be better spent on a treadmill instead of in front of a vanity mirror.
And that's when she walked away and left the bar crying....
I feel like an asshole...
CAHooptie: > I feel like an asshole...
Your title says otherwise.
Cmm9580: Title was to get people to click. It does not reflect how I feel
genericname1231: That's because you are an asshole.
Welcome to the club :D
Points for honesty, if nothing else.
| 4 | 2 | |
1408071807 | 1408073078 | t3_2dloo8 | t5_2to41 | 16 | The_Ostrich_you_want: TIFU by not being there when My Package arrived from Amazon...
Hello all, first post! anyway the rundown..Basically I just came back from military training and am currently living with my father and step mother while I work on getting my own place/generally getting my life together. However sense I live in the same house as them they can (and apparently will) go through my mail if I don't get to it first. I had recently ordered a light bondage kit for me and my girlfriend of one year and it arrived when I was gone, they opened the package, and I got to receive a nice text message about it from my dad, and then a awkward and aggressive conversation from my step mom.. Suffice to say I need to get out of here. soon. Any thoughts?
TL;DR I got a bondage kit from amazon for my girlfriend and I but my parents opened it when I wasn't home. Also it was pink...
TheRealMcCoy95: Tell them that going through someone elses mail is a federal offense and they should be jailed like the scum they are! Just tell them to stop being so fucking nosy. Or get them into BDSM
RaCailum: Show them the light... Or is it the dark?
TheRealMcCoy95: Depends on the person i guess.
| 4 | 4 | |
1408071099 | 1408094590 | t3_2dlno8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling asleep on my dad's couch..
This was a while ago.
..So I'm at my pop's house to hang and do dinner and what not. It had been a long day up to that point and I was just sitting there alone on a big comfy couch watching TV. Eventually I gave in to my bodily needs and dozed off for a nap. I wasn't out long however, as I was awoken to kisses from my beautiful baby sister. Awwwwwhhhhh, sooo freaking cute! I was asleeping and she wanted to give me smooches! Wait.. Wait... Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Who the fuck taught this innocent beautiful baby what a kiss was?! Why in the fuck did she just kiss me while I was sleeping?! Where the fuck are her guardians? Who left her alone?
OMFG. Great.
Few months later, I had a baby sister with break-outs around her mouth, and a new level of guilt and shame I'd never felt in my life. I've never told any one about this other than my SO, who is fully aware of our HSV situation(s).
**TL;DR**...Username is relevant...I'm sorry sis.
**Notes from the author:** This was years ago. All symptoms have gone dormant since her initial outbreak, and so my guilt has been able to wither a bit. However I'm not a non-chalant person when it comes to my herps. I always avoid any kind of facial contact with any one, outbreak or not; so when this happened I considered it an asbolute disaster. A complete fuck up on my part.
TheRealMcCoy95: You should still get her tested man, there will be more shame if she finds out a different way. Make the best of the situation while you still have the chance before she gets sexually active.
DerpestHerperToHerp: She's still pretty much a baby, but every one is aware of the situation now, as she had been taken to the doctor and had blood work and other tests after her first break out. Any time a baby breaks out with a rash other than on their ass, any decent parent knows to get them to the hospital asap
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408072867 | 1408118455 | t3_2dlqa9 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Lilotterlee420: TIFU by having my girlfriend spit my cum in a beer bottle
So back a few years ago I got a blowjob from my girlfriend. I blew my load and she asked for something to spit it out in. I gave her an empty beer bottle that was under my dresser and then put it back. Fast forward a few days and my mom's boyfriend, Mike, decided to search my room because he thought he smelled marijuana. Just my luck, he looked under my dresser and found the bottle. He then proceeded to open it, look at it, and SMELL IT, after which he said "What is this? Whatever it is, it's strong", leaving me totally speechless. Then he takes it away to keep for "evidence".
A month later I get into some trouble and get put on probation. My mom and Mike submit a report of everything that happened, and Mike brings up the "strange white substance" in the beer bottle incident, thinking it was some kind of drug. I never told them what it really was, but holy fuck was it awkward being questioned by my probation officer about that.
deaddogkillacat: Sorry why was it white... After years in the bottle of would most likely deteriorate into water and dead cells it would most likely not still be white... Just saying
KittyCreeps: He said a few days, not years.
deaddogkillacat: My bad read it wrong...
KittyCreeps: It's all good, just letting you you!
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1408071803 | 1408129128 | t3_2dlonz | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by jacking off and then peeing (NSFW)
**TL;DR** **I jacked off before fucking a girl, then couldn't get hard after using the bathroom**
So this girl, V, and I have been making out for a couple weeks now, and tonight I got invited over to her place, since her family was out of town. So I was very excited to go there, I've been in a dry spell for two months so I decided to, *er*, pre-game. So after cleansing my inner demons I drove over to V's house, on the way I picked up some condoms and threw them in my passenger seat. As I rolled up to her house I thought that her moms car was still there so I parked and left the condoms in my car. I called V and she said just to walk right in, and that her family all took one car. So I walked in and left the condoms in my car.
We turned on a movie and started to get down to business, we had most of out clothes off when she asked if I had condoms, so I told her I would run out to the car and get them, I was at this point, harder than steel. I threw my shirt on and went out to the car and grabbed the crotch bags, then as I walked back inside I noticed a bathroom, and figured "*Hey why not piss real quick so that I don't by accident pee on her or something.*" so I used the facilities and then walked back to her to get back to business. I couldn't get a fucking erection, holy shit. I tried drinking gatorade, watching porn, nothing worked, and she was horrendously disappointed.
At 18 I had trouble getting it up, I know it could've been worse, but right now for me this is the most embarrassing moment of my life.
mileXend: Matters didn't have sex.
I feel for you OP
NotSoAwesomeNation: I DON'T FEEL THE FEELS OF THAT TIGHT PUSSY THO
| 3 | 10 | |
1408072851 | 1408078352 | t3_2dlq9h | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking about my recently lost virginity...
Zeldaelias: Don't put TL;DR at the beginning -_-
FallenHorizons: exactly what i said.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408073133 | 1408121782 | t3_2dlqpy | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by not waking my cat up to go to the bathroom. (Mildly NSFW)
So, first things first, I recently had sex with a chick who then told me that she had chlamydia. Yay. She's a roommate/FWB/NSA/extremely open relationship. Anyways, that's a TIFU for another day. On to today's story....
So, when you're exposed to chlamydia, you take a dosage of antibiotics regardless if you test positive or not. This is a one time thing, take 4 pills and you're good to go. Side effects include nausea, vomiting, tiredness/weakness...oh yeah and massive diarrhea. I take my medicine in the pharmacy before leaving the doctor's office. Cool, I'm clean (or at least I will be 100% in a week if I was even positive).
I eat a burger since you're supposed to eat afterwards, I'm feeling pretty good. I go home, sit on the couch, watch some TV, browse the inter webs on my phone. The usual. My 4 month old cat decides he wants snuggles. Yay! I love snuggles. So I'm sitting there for about an hour, chilling with my cat, when my stomach kind of starts to rumble and churn. It becomes progressively worse. I then realize I have to shit. So freaking bad. I'm holding it in, sweating, my stomach is making all kinds of noises. I'm desperately trying not to disturb my cat because he was being way too cute. Eventually, after holding it in for a few minutes, things seem to settle down. Disaster avoided. A couple more minutes pass and now I'm feeling a little gassy. Naturally, I let out a little fart. Big mistake. The floodgate that is my sphincter burst open, and a brown liquid river rushed into my shorts. This isn't solid poo. It's just straight up clearish brown liquid. Like a leaky faucet. Fuck. I'm uncomfortable. Wet. Cat's still sleeping. Still don't want to wake him up because of the cuteness. It starts to smell, obviously. But I'm all like "fuck it", I'll wait until he wakes up to hop in the shower, it can't be that much longer right?
About 10 minutes later, I'm still sitting in my poo pool on the couch with my cat. My roommate walks in with one of her smoking hot friends unannounced. They were supposed be leaving tonight to go on a little trip together for the next few days and I thought they were looooong gone, which is why I was comfortable enough to basically shit myself for my cat. But they forgot a few things so they stopped back in to pick them up. Kitty wakes up and jumps down from my lap because he was excited to greet the two of them at the door. They immediately notice the smell of fecal matter floating in the air and are like "OH MY GOD did the cat have an accident?" and whatnot. I'm trying to play dumb and say that I didn't smell anything. Roommate starts sniffing around. I'm shitting my pants (figuratively, not literally this time). She gets closer to me and notices there's a small brown poopwaterfall slowly dripping down my leg. She screams in horror. Her friend notices. She also screams in horror. Then they start laughing uncontrollably. They tell me it's ok and that "shit happens" (heh). Not only was I morbidly embarrassed, but now my couch is stained with my excrement. Luckily I can just get a new cover (IKEA FTMFW). Kitty was comfy though.
TL;DR: Cat was sleeping on me. Had to shit. Didn't wake him up. Shit myself. Roommate and her friend see me with shit all over the place. Possibly set myself up for a future cockblock.
Edit: Added contextual details.
Edit 2: I missed rule 10. No defecation posts except on Saturdays. Sorry mods. :/
Jwalk40800: So not only would you get chlamydia for pussy but you would also sit in your own shit for it.
[deleted]: Top dollar.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1408081287 | 1408082289 | t3_2dm1ac | t5_2to41 | 1 | SHUMAGORATH7: TIFU: By being celibate four months
PictureTraveller: MEN
we don't know what we did
SHUMAGORATH7: Perhaps if i'd just fucked half of Texas, she would go to dinner with me. Ass backwards man.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1408080195 | 1408133786 | t3_2dm03i | t5_2to41 | 1,001 | Wahnsinnn: TIFU by going home
So it's my first week back in Switzerland after spending the last 11 months in the USA for med school. I've been seeing old friends, catching up with neighbours, and seeing my dads (gay couple) of course. Naturally they have me a huge and warm welcome, and I've been enjoying my time "back home" all week. I was fine with them turning my old bedroom into a guest room, since I'm more or less a guest whenever I come home nowadays.
So last night I meet up with some old coworkers and see a guy I flirted with like mad when we worked our shitty high school job together. We caught up, spoke a little bit, drank, and decided it would be appropriate to "do the nasty" since I'm only back in Switzerland for a few more days. I invite him back to my place, knowing full well that only one Dad of mine (the one who was cool with me bringing guys back home and having *gasp* straight sex) was the only one there.
So we go back to my place and my Dad is just watching TV, but he's fully aware of what's eventually going to happen. My friend makes awkward small talk before we eventually retreat to the guest bedroom. There's a little foreplay, little oral, yadda yadda yadda... You know where this is going. We go at it for a while- 15-20 minutes or so, before I decide to spice things up with my old vibrator I had hidden under a false floorboard in my closet. A distinctive blue ball-type vibrator, not too big... And the details are getting freaky accurate for my story.
So the guy starts teasing me with it, inserting it, and it goes on for around 15-20 minutes more. Nobody had told my other Dad this who apparently came home from work late and thought he would have a little fun himself. So while I've got a vibrator in me and my coworker/friend/fuck buddy is going back and forth between "tasting the vibe and inserting it vaginally. Suddenly in comes my father much to the horror of everyone present.
It was a split second he opened the door, but he saw everything. And when I say everything, I mean *everything*. Me and the guy naked, vibrator... You name it. It wouldn't be that bad of a "caught having sex story" until the next part.
My dad knocks.
"Uh Wahnsinnn?"
"What is it Dad? Kind of caught me at an awkward moment."
"Where did you find my secret vibrator?"
I don't think there's been a moment of sheer terror in two people fucking's eyes than what we saw. The vibrator I had hidden in my room since 16 (I bought and used) that was recently inside me and my friend was playfully "tasting" was used by my father for when he wanted some buttplay. The reality soon set in and the mood died insanely quickly. Showers, mouthwash, intense scrubbing while crying silently. It's been hours and I can't help but cringe at the thought of using a vibrator that's been in my Dad's ass countless times.
My Dad later told me he thought I didn't know about it, since he's had to hide toys around the house for masturbating and play sometimes. He found it one day and didn't think his daughter would ever need/use one.
I haven't slept a wink.
TL;DR: Came home from college, met old friend I ended up fucking, vibrator comes into play, turns out it's my gay Dad's.
Shockling: I'm curious how you came about having two dads, mind sharing?
swarmleader: they were gay, they liked fuckin, one of them was in a marriage before and had this daughter.
simplest assumption
Wahnsinnn: I'm adopted. Was adopted when I was an infant.
swarmleader: sweet. glad this got cleared up. so, you single or what ;-)
Wahnsinnn: Time and place bro...
swarmleader: time?
staurday around 4:30
place?
you choose. im not controlling
drinkingonthejob: Cheeky bastard (said in a British accent that I don't have)
swarmleader: gaz will live for ever
| 9 | 111.222222 | |
1408081169 | 1408148170 | t3_2dm167 | t5_2to41 | 21 | RIVA_LAS_VEGAS: TIFU by wiping my arse with bleach and ruining any chance with my crush
So this happened just before I went out tonight, I apologise for bad spelling and grammar as I'm still a little drunk.
Small backstory:
I've had the feels for this girl for a couple of weeks now and we really seem to be hitting it off, she invited me out so we could chat and have a drink together. I thought this was it, my moment to really impress her and have a few beers in me to tell her how I feel.
So as I was getting changed, I started getting nervous, as usual, I released by bowels to make sure I didn't need an awkward poop whilst I was with her. The poo went fine. However, what I did next is what causing me to write this post. I'm a student and sharing a house with my friends, we're all very lazy and not been bothered to by any toilet paper, we have like one sheet left, this poo required more than the one sheet.
I thought I'd have to improvise, I was late as it is and needed to act fast and grabbed what looked like baby wipes. They were not baby wipes, they were those thing you use to clean toilets and showers. I wiped with a couple of sheets, got up and I was about to leave when my bumhole was on fire like I just fired razor blades out my arse. I didn't have time to suffer though, my crush had started texting and ringing me asking where I was, I had to leave now. I limped to her house and once entering, the pain seemed to leave slightly, it just stated to itch like A LOT. Now I didn't want to embarrass myself and just start itching my crack in front of her so I waited for moments where she would leave the room and have my minute of glorious butt scratching. As the night (and beers) progressed I started getting sloppy with my butt scratching, I started being a daring bastard and scratch when she looked away for a second or slyly move up and down the chair and let the chair do the scratching. Now she left for a minute to go to the toilet and I drunkenly thought it was a perfect moment to have a little check on my bum in the mirror in her living room, I can imagine you seeing where this is going. She came downstairs like a ninja, I never saw her coming the only thing that got my attention was the scream that still echoes in my head now. She had walked in on me with my trousers round my ankles bent down with the cheeks of this hairy bright red arse pulled apart by my hands. I got up and pulled my jeans up "Fuck, I.. I'm sorry" I muttered as I flew out her house and ran home, still scratching my arse.
tl;dr: arsehole got burnt by bleach, showed my crush my hair and itchy arse.
soalone34: Pfft. If anything your relationship will improve.
Rucifer: He was just establishing his dominance.
soalone34: He should have continued to scratch than offered her to scratch with him
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1408082882 | 1408123732 | t3_2dm30c | t5_2to41 | 14 | IamRykio: TIFU by being weak in the presence of tears
So I work the night audit in a hotel, so I've seen a few things but nothing too crazy. Most of it is just people being tired and dumb or drunk and dumb. I'm at the front desk printing papers and what not when this women comes down the elevator and walks up to me to ask for a plastic fork. She's pretty skinny and cute her arms look kind of beat up with some holes around her inner elbow with cotton and tape on it. I was very confused, looked like IV type stuff but didn't want to pry and just ignored it to go get her fork. Once I gave her the fork, smiling the entire time cause fake face of customer service and what not, she looked super sad out of no where. Like the amount of depression that swept over her face was really sudden and what seemed to be out of no where. She tells me she forgot what room she was in so I let her know I can easily find that for her no need to worry. I ask her what name it was under, she tells me, and I let her know what room she is staying in. She is still in that super sad voice and her face looks like she was about to cry or just got done crying.
Now I usually don't ask guests about things that are bothering them, or pry into personal stuff, but the next words out of my mouth seemed so innocent and kind of reactive just because of how she was holding herself. "Are you okay?" was uttered and she just comes out with, "Yeah I just got out of the hospital because I was raped pretty badly" I didn't know how to handle that one at all. I was so dumbfounded I was sure I misheard and I probably made a dumb confused as fuck face. She than said, "Yeah I know that was probably too much information to put out there" and than started crying, and that's where I fuck up. I lock up so hard. I have zero clue on how to help or what to do. First instinct is to comfort, but she just got raped so probably (Being a guy) I'm the last person she wants trying to hug or comfort in any way. I'm frantically thinking of something to say or do but I got nothing. She ends up walking off crying. I get out from behind the front desk and stay a fair enough distance away and say, "Hey if you need anything, need to talk or anything, I'll be down here all night." She just looks up at me with tears in her eyes, "What room was I in again?" I let her know and she leaves crying still.
I have zero clue on how to have handled that better, but I feel like anything else at all would be better. I just want to make sure she is going to be okay, but am too afraid of overstepping my bounds. Tears fuck me up. I apologize about the bad writing
kaosdaklown: Dude you did as well as any guy in that situation could have done. Almost every guy(myself included) freezes up at the sight of women crying. We're wired that way. Our first instinct is to fix it.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Pretty much, OP.
You could have *asked* if she wanted a hug, or offered her tea.
Other than that, try to do anything could have made it worse.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1408083072 | 1408157426 | t3_2dm366 | t5_2to41 | 8 | 247lurkerI: TIFU by not listening correctly
I have been lurking on this sub for a couple of months and have decided to share my own tifu which actually happened TODAY.
First of all I am Asian-American and school just started today. Times flies by and I end up in my English12 class. Yada yada, I sit down and notice this busty, good looking blonde female sitting right next to me. My friend sat right in front of me and we were talking about how our summer went. Then the hot girl told me, "You look like shit." I said, "What?" and looked at her really weird. My friend told me that she might like me and then I tried to process and remember what she said earlier... she actually said, "Do you have a girlfriend? You look hot as shot." Then we had to interview another student and I blew my chance. Maybe a pseudo-advive-love-expert can help me redeem myself tomorrow.
bjokey: >You look hot as shot.
Never heard that before
247lurkerI: She bit her lips looking at me so I assumed it was a good thing. Lol
TheRealMcCoy95: Just talk to her tomorrow you dunce. She wont change her mind over a 24 hr period. Just ask her out like a man!
| 4 | 2 | |
1408085777 | 1408111983 | t3_2dm5qd | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by describing in vivid detail to my gf's mom how we make out (kinda)
FourSlotTo4st3r: Why is talk in quotations? Is it a euphemism for you're going bang your girlfriend's mom? If not, this thread is really disappointing to me.
Luigi_From_Frozen: Alpha as fuck.
guitarandcheese: no...
Luigi_From_Frozen: Ok......
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1408085910 | 1408142941 | t3_2dm5uk | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my dad's S/O
So a little background info. I'm 15 (turn 16 in 2 months) and i lost my virginity a few months ago to my ex gf. We dated for almost a year and just broke up about 2 weeks ago. It was a one time thing. We never told anybody. She just wanted the experience and she trusted me to be the one. But that's besides the point. My dad's in his mid 50's and he's just started dating this 31 year old a few weeks ago. I always thought she was pretty cute but there was never any sexual tension between us.
I'm writing this at 3 in the morning because it literally just happened about an hour ago. So i was just in my room watching a couple of youtube videos at about 1 in the morning. That's when my dad and his girlfriend come busting through the front door hammered. They can barely walk they're so drunk. So my dad goes straight to his room and goes to sleep. But his girlfriend knocks on the open door of my room and says she wants to talk to me. She went on and on for about 45 minutes talking about how life is all about finding yourself and a bunch of other hippy stuff. I couldn't help but stare at her breasts. (They're fairly large.) And she caught me staring. I was embarrassed and just wanted to go back in my room. But instead of getting mad at me she brushed it off and wanted to talk to me outside. I don't know why i agreed but i did. And as soon as we go into the backyard she's standing super close to me and starts feeling my chest moving down to my... I started getting hard and then instincts took over. I took her top off and started sucking on her breasts and then i unzipped my pants and hinted at the fact i wanted a blow job. She denied but quickly changed her mind and was going at it. She's definitely done it before because she made my ex gf seem like she didn't know what she was doing. After a while she bends over a table and i put it in. We go at it for about 10 minutes and i tell her im about to cum. She swallows it... After that was the most awkward conversation i ever had. We agreed not to ever talk to my dad and she wanted to drive home but i wouldn't let her and i took her keys and hid them in her purse. She was too drunk to find her keys in her own purse much less drive. So now she's sleeping on the couch in the living room and now im just on my laptop sitting in a huge pool of regret. I don't know if she's gonna forget what she did in the morning or if she's just gonna blow it off or even tell my dad. I felt awesome while it was happening but i wasn't thinking. All i know is i wish i could go back in time and not do it
Queentoad1: You've just crossed a bridge you can't uncross. The law would not look kindly on this - you're under the age of consent so this is abuse. (You wish it hadn't happened.) Of course it felt awesome because sex is great. But now it feels bad because this was sex out of context with the norm. You can't be held responsible because you're a minor. She can't be held responsible because she was impaired by being drunk. Since you are the minor and your well-being has been compromised, (what will your dad do if he found out?) you should keep these posts as confirmation of your experience. I'd like to give you more advice, but I might be abetting a crime.
Tigertroll14: She's impaired because she's dunk? No... She's an adult and being drunk is not an excuse emotionally much less by the law.
Queentoad1: Unfortunately, by law she is impaired. It's not an excuse, just a statement of the facts.
Tigertroll14: Please, if a man did that he would be charged with rape without a second thought.
Raddpuppy: She could actually say he raped her. If she was as drunk as he says she could make a case that he took advantage. Happens all the time.
Tigertroll14: She COULD say that, but he is a minor and she took advantage of a minor weather drunk sober or higher than snoop dog. Imagine if the genders were reversed...
Raddpuppy: Pshh reverse the genders and the guy would be jailed for life.. that double standard though...
Kwarshaw: /r/pussypass my friend
| 9 | 2.555556 | |
1408087654 | 1408133492 | t3_2dm7ge | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by suggesting my gf is going to die
My gf recently found out that she has a tumor, and as could be expected in that scenario she is very, very sad. She got invited to go out with some friends but she was a little hesitant because she normally doesn't go out much, especially to places like bars/nightclubs/etc.
I wanted her to have a good time, so I told her that "she should go out and make memories while she still can."
Uh. Shit.
She looks at me, on the verge of tears, and asks me "do you think I'm going to die?"
Yeah. So now she's crying her eyes out again and I feel like a colossal dick.
cerbaroo: What kind of tumor? Is it often fatal?
jeelezara: lets just say she doesnt have long
cerbaroo: I'm sorry.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1408088969 | 1408238341 | t3_2dm8n8 | t5_2to41 | 24 | mathdhruv: TIFU by telling a girl I like her, via text
**Background Info:**
So, I (21 M/ Indian) been studying in the US for the summer. Here, I encountered another Indian girl (from a different part of the country, so with a different native tongue). We became friends over the past 2-3 weeks, meeting at mutual friends' places, talking, hanging out. She invited me to a party too (for a fellow Indian, so for some reason, this was acceptable), yadda yadda.
**Foundations laid for fuck-up:** We went on a trip together with a few other friends. I had forgotten to carry a jacket, & the place we were headed to was exposed to a chilly breeze. Not freezing, easily tolerable, but with a slight bite to it. So, as I'm braving the elements, she goes "Hey, mathdhruv, you're freezing, why don't you sit right up close, to share the heat" (body heat). Okay. Then, while sitting with our shoulders & arms touching, she starts moving so that we're rubbing sides to create friction & heat (& I repeat, it wasn't that cold, not that I didn't appreciate the sentiment).
**Fuck-up intensifies:** I had already told one of my close friends I thought this girl was attractive & had a great personality. So when he heard this story, he said "Dude, she likes you". Me, being an idiot, believe him.
**Piece of vital information:** She has a group of friends from her region, so they sometimes converse in their native tongue even when among other people, then she teased us (& me directly sometimes) by saying "maybe you should learn the language" (Another one of my close friends is fluent in it).
**The actual fuck-up:** So, believing that she likes me (due to wise words of Close Friend 1, I decide to do something about it. I call up Close Friend 2, learn a basic phrase in her native tongue ("You're very pretty, I like you"), & invite her up to the campus observatory for tonight to watch the ongoing meteor shower. My plan was to get her up there, & since it's a nice, date-like environment (under the stars, watching shooting stars), I'd quietly slip the phrase out (Yes, I know, it's cheesy/to an extent going too far).
Here's the kicker : I'm waiting up there, & as she comes up the hill, *I realize the rest of the damn Indian contingent was also on its way up*. Apparently they ran into her & decided to accompany her up. Now, there was no way I'd be able to carry out my plan in front of 20 people (I don't have the balls), so I just gave the basic star-gazing lecture & pointed out some meteors, & decided to leave. But, I didn't want to have the whole effort be a waste (there was a slim chance I might not see her again, because finals week), *so I decided to text her the thing instead*, saying "There's something I wanted to say tonight, & didn't wanna do it in front of an audience", & then sending the phrase.
**Outcome:** "Seen at XX:XX AM". It's now been almost 20 hours, & I haven't received a reply, I haven't received any sort of text, & she opted out of a play we were all going to watch together as a group. How bad is it, reddit?
**Update:** Got a reply saying I was sweet & kind, & thanking me. Not sure how to take this.
Edit : Not a show-off -_- .Poorly worded
[deleted]: It's better to fail than to just give up. It could also be something else that is out of your control, or she could even just be shy. Worst case scenario you can consider it practice.
mathdhruv: I did think of it that way, which is what gave me the impetus to even do this, but if I just keep getting rejected (I have a 100% rejection record - [0 for 2](http://redd.it/2dm70l)), it's not much help as practice..
TheRealMcCoy95: 2 ask outs isint much man. They way i look at it is even if you could have gotten her alone the reaction would be the same. If she is not attracted to you there is only one thing you can do. Play it like you don't want it. Best relationship advice i have ever revived.
mathdhruv: >Play it like you don't want it.
Yes, that's what I'll do, but after talking with her once face-to-face tonight.
TheRealMcCoy95: You need to start it tonight. Play like it cool, if she brings it up and its not going your way just brush it off like its nothing. This works for a fair amount of the time.
Women want what they can not have, if you are an easy target its no fun for them, you need to make them chase, by acting like you don't want an ounce of her.
mathdhruv: So, tonight, went out in a decent sized group. It was like nothing had been said. So be it, I'm over it now..
TheRealMcCoy95: She will come back. They always come back.
mathdhruv: Oh they come back all right. They come back when they need some help for a friend's 'popularity contest' or when they want to use you as their personal FedEx, or when they want to just have more than 3 people at their boring-as-fuck 'literary fest' to make up the numbers. /bitter rant
TheRealMcCoy95: Im just saying, show no sexual interest and she will be interested. Fucking with the subconscious of women is an art my drear friend.
ps
I mean this in the nicest way possible ladies, its just human behavior. You know its true anyway.
mathdhruv: Oh no, I got what you meant, I just had a bit of prior bitterness I wanted to express. As for the art form, I've never been very good with the arts of life :P
| 11 | 2.181818 | |
1408090000 | 1408230226 | t3_2dm9ki | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU and made myself a crazy cat lady.
I had a man that I thought I loved, an army man, a true American hero. He was the love of my life, always kind and understanding. Just amazing. He took his leave and came to see me and we had the most amazing two weeks of my life. We traveled, we adventured and we made passionate wonderful love underneath the sky, staring up at the stars that were painted just for us. But he left and things changed. He started acting depressed and would blame me for his unhappiness. Sweet words turned into curses, love darkened into bitterness. He pushed me away, he told me he didn't want this, that he couldn't have me. Not until he fixed himself.
But my passion, the fire I had for him began to smother out. I tried to rekindle it, to bring the flame of life that sustained us back from the ashes of an unhappy relationship without success. He said he loved me but couldn't. Not right now. I cried, he cursed. I tried, he failed. I loved, he denied. And my world started to fall apart. As the pieces fell another man was picking them up and glueing them together. I told him I was broken and he said I was damaged, all I needed was repair. I told the army man who protected my life that someone was glueing me together as I fell and my heart was drawn close to him. I left, he cried. I told him it was time to choose what he wanted, if he would let me be his pillar but his cheek was turned and the venomous words escaped my mouth: we are over.
The one who mended me dated me and everything was wonderful until anxiety set in. I was nervous all the Time and almost irrational and slowly I scared him away. There were still pieces, unmended, that laid around me but not a piece of tape or a drop of glue on site. I held the remaining pieces in my palm as they fell through the cracks of my fingers, falling all around me. I had no choice but to watch my pain, wishing for one to fix me. But my soul echoed that I had to do it myself. I wished for glue, I pleased to the heavens for help but none was found. I moved out on my own. No one surrounded me, no one was there. Only me and my pieces remained.
Laughs turned into tears, candy turned into pills to help me cope, and the kisses that once kissed my lips turned into the bitter taste of nicotine. I no longer breathed in life but rather exhale smoke. Pack after pack. Light after light. This was my fire that I had kindled, this was the flame I created that flicked off into ash, and building back up into warmth on an eternally endless cycle.
But something caught my eye, a life so innocent and content. A prisoner like me that I could help and maybe her little paws could help me. I watched her from afar until I knew she was the one. Sage was the name of this angel that purred for my affection. Something loved me, needed me and depended on me. I took her home. She crawled onto my lap and butted her head against my stomach and looked at me with eyes of love.
But neverless I was alone. Now I sit here, cigarette resting against my saddened lips, talking to my only friend in the world. When I talk she listens, but her eyes haunt me because I know without her I would be truly alone.
The taste of my last cigarette rests against my tongue and a mug full of bitter coffee rests warmly in my hand as I talk to my cat. And the scary thing is that she talks to me back.
tyes77: TL;DR Broke up twice, felt lonely, picked up cat, and cat talks back. Might be crazy now.
[deleted]: Couldn't have said it better myself.
tyes77: Thanks I didn't want to say it due to the awesome writing in the post. If you are indeed going crazy be sure to journal it all down. I'm in no way a writer or publisher but it might be novel worthy.
[deleted]: I will keep that in mind thank you. I have enjoyed journaling In the past but sort of forgot about it. So I will have to pick it up again.
TheRealMcCoy95: This was a solid read id try to call back on your army man. It sounds like he is probably in the same boat, probably still has feelings for you.
[deleted]: Maybe. I don't know if I could after some of the things that he had said to me after our break up like I was a worthless piece of shit and a whore (he was the second person I had ever slept with. The only other person before him is when I was 16) so it feels hopeless. But maybe if I can move past that I would consider it. But right now I am too hurt to do anything. I think I just need to be alone. Just get used to myself and learn to love myself.
TheRealMcCoy95: Im not trying to defend him in anyway but sometimes people say things the do not mean and i am positive this was just in a spite of rage those words where to come out.
If you need time it is completely understandable, usually this is a time where you rediscover your self and who you really are after a bad breakup. Id still hope that you at least try to contact the guy, even if its not building to get back together it would bring some sort of closure if he can keep his cool, sit down and talk like a normal human being.
I hope it works out for the better in your favour whatever path you choose to take. But just sitting and dwelling is not going to make you life any easier. Get out go do something, take a walk enjoy the fresh air, life is full of small pleasures that can turn a day around. Any breakup is going to be tough but there is only one way you can take it once it is over and thats forward. You sound like a pretty great person anyway, I am sure you will do just fine, with a bit of time.
PS- Love your writing style!!
[deleted]: Thank you! I will keep this in mind. After all of your nice and helpful comments I have been better able to evaluate my situation and I really will do what you say and if anything I will be able to bring closure to myself. Thank you!
TheRealMcCoy95: Any time! The world needs more compassion for others I'm just a person that gets joy from helping others and hope you will do the same for someone else :)
[deleted]: Thank you :) actually just an update that today I ended moving back in with my parents and sisters temporarily today. During these last ten days when all of this went down was my first time in my own apartment. I am (was) naive and ended up moving somewhere somewhat blindly and it ended up being one of the worse places in Phoenix. In ten days I had two people ask me if I want to have sex in exchange for money and I had a group of men follow me around in their car telling me to come and in their words "suck their dick". Keep in mind I was in sweatpants or my work uniform that was any shirt (loose) and tan pants. But I was one of the only white person in a heavily Mexican neighborhood (which I am not racist I have actually had a Mexican boyfriend but this case their was a lot of racism) and I am blonde hair and blue eyed which I guess makes me stand out in a bad way. Now I have a support group, people I love, that are helping me to get past this bad time in my life and are helping me to move to a nice part of town. Your guys's compassion really helped me realize that I can get through it and I have been able to see things in a better light. Thank you.
TheRealMcCoy95: Keep on keeping on! I am sure you will pull through, just keep surrounding your self with positive people and you will gain positive results!
| 12 | 3 | |
1408092063 | 1408092924 | t3_2dmb67 | t5_2to41 | 11 | agoel00: TIFU by destroying any chances of my friend having a go with her crush
So, we have a group on FB which included a lot of the classmates from my class. Everyday a conversation of about 500-600 messages goes on in that group. I was really growing tired of receiving notifications for every message so I put the conversation on mute. I was really inactive and didn't see what was going on or who was being added.
Now this is the time to reveal that one of my friend who was in that group, has a super huge crush on a girl, say X from my class who wasn't a member of that group.... until now.
So after about 2-3 weeks in hibernation mode, I read some of the last messages and the topic of conversation was X. So, unbeknownst to me that she was added in that group last week, I made a joke about her and teased my friend who had that crush on her.
After a few seconds, what I see is that under my messages, it is written "Seen by : X"
At that moment, I got to know that she was in that group and read each one of my derogatory comments and how I constantly teased my friend whenever she passed by....
I immediately left the group, apologised to my friend for destroying any last ray of hope that he had of taking 'her flower' and I've been offline ever since... really embarrassed.
[deleted]: Maybe you should apologise to her as well if you sent derogatory comments
agoel00: They were not exactly derogatory comments per se
They were the fun things Bros say to each other...
Nevertheless i apologised to her too...
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408089538 | 1408113073 | t3_2dm956 | t5_2to41 | 59 | MrCuriousCat: TIFU by releasing the kraken
Today I truly fucked up reddit. This experience, still seared into my cranium, truly haunts me. This nightmare takes place in my co-worker's home in the most wonderful state of 'Merica and with the most glorius city with it, NYC New York. It was 3 fucking am in morning when the ship started to give the get-go of port from my bowels. Earlier, before dinner, I had discovered the most beast pizza place ever. 2 for 1 $1 cheese pizza slices. And me coming from a packed family from ohio, I decided to empty that mofo pizzeria from it's delicious cheesy booty. I had bought 18 slices before calling quits. Then I remembered, "Oh fuck... I promised my friend that ill come over for dinner in about 30 minutes". And again, me being a fatass from ohio, I couldn't say no. So I drove to my friend's house and he invited me in. As I walked down a hallway to get to the dining room, I remember a sharp and aromatic smell, "Oh for fuck's sake, he made Indian food." Then I thought, maybe the cheese will block me up for whatever that may brew in my sac of acid, and eat shit tons then go home. Oh boy I was wrong. My friend had made THE most oiliest curry-tandori chicken I had ever had. The bell has rung from davy Jones's ship to summon the kraken. The moment I had gone up to go home from the table, I fainted. Don't know why, but probably from food coma. I woke up in my friend's guest bed desperately trying to go home, like a dumbass. I was light headed, sweating, nauseous, dehydrated, pain in my abdomen, so I was scared, and when I'm scared I have the instinct to go home. I opened the door and proceeded to walk down the hallway with great pain, but with silence, trying not to wake my friend. Then I saw it. A tiny corgis staring at me. For a moment, my brain was calculating, why the fuck is there a dog in my friend's house. Then it started barking. I was shit, nonono don't bark, trying to calm the dog with the immense pain and suffeRing was a great challenge. Then that little bitch chArged at me with it's stubby ass legs would while barking. That moment I slipped backwards and landed on my ass. At the instant I landed on my ass, I felt the most euphoric releash of pressure in my life. The Kraken as been released. Also my symptoms instantly vanished. But during my high, I felt wet and warm all over my backside. "Oh nooo...". Yep you guessed it, shit all over my back the floor, my pants, and yes the walls... . I was panicking, but then the dog started licking my shit. I was repulsed. Then the damn dog found the 4" log that that had plugged the catastrophe. By that point, I was like Fuck it, it's too early to clean even MY own shit, so I let the dog lap it up. But I'm also nervous about my friend getting mad. At this moment I'm typing this from a secluded location, where my friend can't find me. And pleAse, don't give away my location.
Anthrax89: That's a really shitty situation to find yourself in.
MrManicotti: a real stinker
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1408092623 | 1408093427 | t3_2dmbkv | t5_2to41 | 4 | doncharliev: TIFU by Eating a Bhut Jolokia (Ghost Chilli)
Kill_The_Dinosaurs: We eat a lot of Bhut Jolokia in my house ... delicious pepper. Though it is hot the flavor is amazing.
And, of course, we don't eat the pepper whole.
doncharliev: Nice! I agree, I made a lamb curry with the one of them I got at the time and the flavour behind it's kick is awesome.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408093356 | 1408162567 | t3_2dmc4v | t5_2to41 | 12 | HueHuey: TIFU by doing a pull-up
For starters, you need to get a mental image of what i look like:
186cm tall, 55 Kg, i can wrap my hand anywhere around my arms, and my entire upper body is around 60-70cm in circumference
Badly lacking exercise, and being bored, i happen to come across a swing.
Actually, just the frame; but i don't need swings, swings are for pussies, i have arms.
Suddenly rushed by instincts from my ancestors, i run to latch on to it, and try really hard to do a pull up, and, to my surprise, succeed with little effort.
Hey, that's great, i thought, i might survive if i were to slip and hang from a building or something.
But twenty minutes later, my shoulder just kinda starts hurting violently, i try to move it around a bit, maybe a tandon or ligament or something that got wedged on the wrong side of some bone.
That was yesterday, i applied a patch that somehow stops the pain, in order to survive; but now i just woke up, my shoulder still hurts, and i think it might be worse than i expected
EDIT: in response to a comment, no...i'm not female
ProductiveWorker: Ice/deice every 30 minutes or so. Probably not a big deal, these sorts of things happen from time to time, just pay attention if the pain lasts longer than a week or 2 (though I have had to let injuries heal for longer than that but they did not require a doc visit).
Forget the trolls, pull ups can be hard, especially if you plan to try again. Best way to get started with pull ups, especially if you are struggling to complete one, is do negative pull ups. Grab the bar, use your legs to "jump" up while pulling with your arms, so that you are at the "top" of a pull up. Hold it for as long as you can and when you can't any longer, slowly let your arms down back to the "bottom" of the pull up position. Rinse, repeat. Within a week or 2 you will be able to start doing regular pull ups as this trains those muscles you need to pick yourself up. I weigh in at 203, out of shape but I can knock out 12 pull ups now. When I started, I could not even complete 1. It's progress ;-)
TheRealMcCoy95: Should ice / deice every 10 mins if you ice an area for longer then 10 you risk a blood clot. ( trust me) Probably just tweaked a muscle just take it easy on it.
ProductiveWorker: I forgot, I have a special icepack that has a nice insulator on it so I can use it longer without this problem... thanks for the caveat ;-)
| 4 | 3 | |
1408097428 | 1408127560 | t3_2dmfa2 | t5_2to41 | 21 | classicthrowawaylol: TIFU by splooging all over my face the first time I fooled around with a girl
As per most TIFU's, this didn't happen today. It happened a few months ago.
So the night started with my mate (let's call him "Jack") inviting me over to his house to get drunk with him and his cousin (let's call her "Jill").
Anyway, I get there and Jack is pretty plastered. I get drunkenly introduced to Jill, we start chatting/flirting and I start catching up on drinks.
This goes on for a while and we start playing some drinking games.
She and I are feeling each other up a bit under the table.
We all then decide to get into the pool in our undies (cause fuck bathers). Shit starts to get a bit more serious between me and her, just under the water. Somehow Jack isn't aware (drunk off his rocker probs). He ends up leaving to go for a shower and head to bed.
Jill and I start making out like crazy.
Eventually we end up drying off and going to bed too. Once in the privacy of a bedroom, we start fooling around. Gettin half naked, being all over each other, fingering her, all that teenage hormonal Jazz. Then Jill says she wants to give me a blowjob (Oh lawd this is happening!).
I'll need to describe our positioning for this, to better capture the moment.
We had been lying down in bed. For the bj, she says to sort of straddle her. She's lying face up, with my legs either side of her and sitting on her chest. Dick pretty much in her face, at attention and ready to go. Not sure why she chose that position, but I couldn't give any amount of fucks at that point in time.
Before she starts, she told me not to cum in her mouth. Understandable (*I guess*). I ask her where I should go? It wasn't like there were tissues around and I really didn't want to cum all over my mates spare bedroom bed. Plus, this being my first bj, I was unsure of how to go about things.
She tells me that when I cum, just grip my dick real hard to stop anything from actually coming out. I'd done this once before, years ago when havin a wank. So I knew it was do-able. I didn't want to, but there really wasn't any choice.
I agree to her terms and she starts goin at it.
Phaw. First time getting your dick sucked is great. (I guess every other time is pretty great as well, but you get my meaning).
Then *came* the moment of truth. I grip. I grip real hard. I grip... not hard enough.
With the added pressure of my tight-but-not-tight-enough grip, my little fellas escaped. Cause of my odd position on her body, my upright dick shot blobs into my hair, my face, the wall, part of the bed, part of her face, just **everywhere**.
She was nice about it, laughed it off with me and helped me clean up. But damn, not how I envisioned my first bj.
TL;DR Got a bj while sitting on a girl, proceeded to jizz on my face in an attempt to not jizz at all.
JeffersonCassette: my wife blew me a few weeks back ... same thing happened, except i was trying to finish in her mouth and she knew it. so at the last second she moved her head out of the way and aimed my own dick at my chin but continued jerking me. She got it all over my own face ... We still laugh about it (her more than me) today.
MoustacheMayhem: Something similar happened to me a long time ago, except it was with a hookup. I felt like I was looking down the barrel of a gun when I saw my dick pointed up at me as I was bursting.
Either way it got messy, and wasn't bad.
It got weird when she gave me head again later that evening and kittens came out from under the pillows on her bed and started deep-tonguing my ears. At that point, I couldn't go on.
| 3 | 7 | |
1408118038 | 1408430532 | t3_2dmewf | t5_2to41 | 164 | Kid_Icarus42: I hate when that happens..
explore_my_mind: It happened to me twice just last week. You'll get used to it
Kid_Icarus42: Thank jesus
[deleted]: and his flying mollusk
Redditacious: Hey little boy come walk with me,
and bring your new found mollusk along,
Does it speaketh of the trinity?
can it gaze at the sun with its wandering eye
Yes it speaks of the trinity,
casting light at the sun with its wandering eye.
Bring forth the mollusk, cast unto me,
Let's be forever let forever be free
Jayx: Fuck yeah WEEN!
Redditacious: I had to, how often does a quote from the Mollusk come in handy :)
| 7 | 23.428571 | |
1408102695 | 1408106055 | t3_2dmjrt | t5_2to41 | 7 | TamiyaTA04: TIFU (more like Today We Fucked Up) by causing a drug panic at school
February 2008 and I'm in the hall at break time with my usual group of people.
We're in the usual spot and H gets out little tubes of sherbet and we're just eating it normally and the V gets out a book from his bag, takes one of the tubes, pours it into a line and sniffs it like a line of coke. We laugh but then C does it as well, so does E and S and before we know it, everyone in our group is doing lines of sherbet.
We then looked at each other and realized the mistake we'd made. We now looked like we'd done ACTUAL lines of coke. Then the inevitable happened...
Mr. G comes over we're all like "oh shit" and he looks at us, sees leftover bits of sherbet everywhere (you can't get it all) and being a teacher, assumes the worst. He screams and shouts (and let's it all out. Sorry) and tells us to go to head of years.
We all got detention for 2 weeks
TL;DR: did lines of sherbet and teacher assumes its coke.
hxcrichard: Whats sherbet
TamiyaTA04: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherbet_(powder)
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Sherbet (powder)**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherbet%20(powder\)): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Sherbet__, __kali__ ([Northern English](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northern_English)), or __keli__ ([Scottish](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scottish_people)) [*[citation needed](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Citation_needed)*] is a fizzy powder [sweet](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candy), usually eaten by dipping a [lollipop](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lollipop) or [liquorice](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liquorice), or licking it on a finger.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/PN33TV8.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jars_of_Kali_or_Sherbet_powder.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Sorbet](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sorbet) ^| [^Double ^Dip ^\(confectionery)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_Dip_\(confectionery\)) ^| [^Sodium ^carbonate](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sodium_carbonate) ^| [^Sinalco](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinalco)
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| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408103416 | 1408105392 | t3_2dmkf4 | t5_2to41 | 13 | G0ldenEdge: TIFU by staying up to do university work
I recently found out I had two assignments to resubmit as they were below par and today (August 15th) was the deadline. I worked on these two assignments for a while but needed to stay up until 3:30am putting the finishing touches on them, I set an alarm for 7:30am as I needed to get the train at 9:00am to get to my university and submit my work. I woke up like 5 minutes ago, it's not 12:48 and the deadline closed at 12, my alarm didn't go off for whatever reason. I can't get there fast as the next train isn't until something like half past one and then it takes over an hour to get there. I have now failed university and probably won't be allowed onto my second year of study, I'm terrified to let my parents know and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. No throwaway who cares?
sausagedownatrain: Are you me? That is freakishly similar except I've learnt not to sleep when I've been up late, I'll always sleep through hand in.
You don't go to Exeter do you? If you do we need a pint.
G0ldenEdge: I don't unfortunately! A pint right now would be good I think
sausagedownatrain: Also don't worry bud. I screwed up much later into uni than you. Life will go on!
No chance of a rerun of the year?
G0ldenEdge: I'll have to see my options probably on Monday. Who knows what'll happen?
sausagedownatrain: You in the UK?
First year re-runs really aren't too unusual.
Be *truthful* and tell them how you struggled with the change from school to uni and couldn't cope with organising your personal time. You've learnt from your mistakes due to doing a lot of thinking and will definitely do better next year.
Student finance gives you a fuck up year too!
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1408106701 | 1408112435 | t3_2dmnsv | t5_2to41 | 284 | fml-insects17: TIFU By playing with my morning wood
So this morning when Im still in bed and don't feel like getting up yet, I notice my dick is rock hard. MORNING WOOD HYPE!
Naturally, being the only one home, or so i thought, i began jerking off Mr. Anderson. (I am not circumcised so I don't need lube or anything). I whip out my phone and began playing a porno that I started watching last night but didn't jerk off to.
After about another 10-15 minutes I am close to finishing when I hear faint footsteps on the stairs. My mom is pretty light and walks quietly, so I wasn't sure If she was coming up or not. As mentioned previously I was fairly certain I was the only one home.
In a rush of panic, my family has never caught me jerking, I quickly grab a sock from yesterday that was next to my bed and cum into it. It felt glorious!
I quickly throw the sock on the floor, get under my covers and pretend that I am sleeping. Luckily my mom went to the bathroom first, or otherwise she would have caught me.
A few minutes later my mom walks in, sees that I am "sleeping" and then picks up my dirty clothes, including the SOCK. I haven't cum in 4-5 days, so my load was massive. Peeking from under the covers I see my mom make a face of disgust when she picks up the soaking soak. I couldn't help it so I said "sorry mom" in a quiet voice. She said: "we'll talk once you get up"...
TLDR: morning wood, came into sock. mom picked up sock because it was dirty. She knows...
Edit: I didn't jerk off the previous night as my parents slept upstairs next to my room. Due to some renovations to their room they had been sleeping downstairs the past couple days, but came up yesterday. So there
Also it usually doesn't take me that long to finish but i think the morning wood had something to do with it
[deleted]: You know that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten?
OhWearrry: Holy shit! What does he do when a kitten masturbates?
HijaDeTaco: Kills a Pygmy kitten.
tyes77: No no no, God kills himself. Everyone knows this.
HijaDeTaco: Not if Shia laboof has anything to say about it. Boof me right in the mouth.
| 6 | 47.333333 | |
1408108789 | 1408136631 | t3_2dmqe0 | t5_2to41 | 601 | [deleted]: TIFU by locking myself in law enforcement handcuffs. Help?
Hey, Reddit.
Today I fucked up! Right now, as I type, I am restrained by a pair of law enforcement handcuffs. :(
Last week, my boyfriend purchased these handcuffs online (for sexytimes). They came in last night, and I was pretty excited. Well, neither of us were sober from an event at his work, and we forgot to utilize our new toy last night.
As I awoke this morning, trapped in the haze of 'hungoverness', I saw the handcuffs on his bookshelf and exclaimed "COOOOOL!" And absolutely had to try them on. Not only did I want them on, I wanted them as tight against my skin as they would go! I wasn't thinking clearly at all, and this is super embarrassing, but I am currently trapped in handcuffs and my boyfriend left for his 8 hour work day, already.
I don't know what to do. The keys are still attached to the cuffs. It is so hard to manipulate the key with one hand! :(
[Here's the best photo I could take with my current restrictions](http://m.imgur.com/S3olucX)
TL;DR - Bf bought handcuffs for sexytimes - got trapped in them alone, instead. Halp?
**UPDATE** I used my thumbnail to open the keyring, and was able to slide a key off the ring with a fork. And I unlocked it. Thanks everyone for your help. I have learned a valuable lesson today. ;P
Toshiba1point0: Our culture is amazing. Intead of getting ourselves out of a predicament, we go online to tell everyone how stupid we are...brilliant
IntrinsicSurgeon: She was going online to figure out how to get out of this predicament. She obviously tried before, but decided to ask a larger community so that she didn't have to feel embarrassed by asking people she knows.
Toshiba1point0: yes Im aware of the motivation, you just cant fix stupid.
IntrinsicSurgeon: She was drunk. People do stupid things when they're drunk. Doesn't make them stupid.
Toshiba1point0: actually it kind of does. The decision to drink and do stupid things is proof enough.
IntrinsicSurgeon: Stupid things can be fun. Lighten up.
Toshiba1point0: not arguing that and you can save your petty fucking downvotes. why dont you take your own advice there mister
IntrinsicSurgeon: Dude, you're way too angry about this. I'm chill, and not a mister. You're just being unnecessarily rude and condescending with your comments, so people downvote.
Toshiba1point0: Im not angy. Just tired of people pandering to the lowest common denominator because we are trying to spare feelings. When I used to do stupid things like this, I was ridiculed, humiliated, and embarrassed. It wasnt soul crushing but I had to learn the hard way to take care of myself because someday there may not be help.
IntrinsicSurgeon: People make mistakes, too. No one is going to go through life and never do anything stupid.
| 11 | 54.636364 | |
1408108782 | 1408120749 | t3_2dmqdl | t5_2to41 | 2,809 | lifetaken: TIFU by making what I thought was an impossible bet.
Playing mini golf in Ocean City with my buddy and his girlfriend (beach day), and I had about 500 bucks in my wallet. It was my 18th birthday the day before and I brought a good amount of cash to OC to make sure I had enough in case we went shopping at the outlets or what not.
While mini-golfing, I made a funny bet: my friend, John, had to hit the ball from the mini-golf course into the seat of a go-kart (which was part of the same "amusement park"), which was about 300 feet away. If he made it, I'd give him all the money in my wallet. If he missed, he had to give me all the money in his wallet (ended up being $2.50 at the time).
EDIT for clarity: we had no idea how much cash the other had brought at the time.
His girlfriend instantly laughed, thinking he would never do it. He turned to me, shook my hand, and slammed the mini golf ball over towards where the go-karts sat on the shut-down-for-maintenance track. His girlfriend instantly called him an idiot and freaked out, and I thought it was hilarious.
Until I heard a "thunk" where the go-karts were.
We all ran over to where they were parked at the track, and looked inside them all.
Sure enough, there was the golf ball, in kart #4.
I couldn't fucking believe it.
I kept my bet (after all, it was a bet) and gave my friend all 500 bucks I had in my wallet. He ended up treating all of us to an expensive steak lunch afterwards with it, and he bought me whatever I wanted that day because he felt bad for taking my spending money.
**TL;DR** Don't make bets you don't want to lose because, before you know it, your friend will end up hitting a golf ball into a go-kart causing you to lose all your money.
EDIT: WOW THIS BLEW UP. Thanks for all the comments and what not, it's pretty funny to read some of them. Just to clear some things up, neither John nor I knew how much was in each others' wallets, so it was basically just a shot in the air.
Second, I know he is a good guy. We've been friends since 6 and we always keep our word. I made the bet, I kept my word.
Third, this was OC, Maryland. Senior week. Baja Amusements
Fourth, well, here's John, I told him to check it out and he wants to say something:
Hey guys, he's not lying. It wasn't 300 feet but it was pretty damn far. Idk how I hit it that far, but I did tee it up on some dirt. I don't golf, I play soccer. I just hit the ball as hard as I could towards the pits. Also, thanks for the positive comments about me being a good guy. I would never screw my friend over.
There you go.
Thanks for reading it guys, and I am in love with the new 7950 by the way. B-)
GrandMasterT: You should never carry that kind of cash in your wallet anyway. This is why they invented debit cards.
lifetaken: I know it was a bad idea, but if I deposited it, it wouldn't have hit my account until a few days* later. Either bring cash or don't spend.
GrandMasterT: Why would it take a few days? Cash is cash
lifetaken: Yeah, but if I put the cash in my debit account it would have taken a few days for the money to actually be spendable in my account.
GrandMasterT: Im asking why that is. There should be no delay.
lifetaken: I don't know, ask M and T, it one time took a month for one of my checks i deposited to show up.
rob_var: huge difference between cash deposit and check deposit
cash is available instantly and checks take from 3 to 5 days to clear depending on the amount
hope this helps you in your future endeavors
Radiation_Wrangler: You can ask for a credit to your account so checks can be withdrawn right away.
rob_var: not necessarily, the process it to ensure the checks have appropriate funds if not anyone could scam the system
Radiation_Wrangler: Most places offer like 200 hundred dollar credits per check. If the check bounces I think they just ask for the money you spent back.
rob_var: Is this a US bank? I'm having a hard time believing a bank would just give you a 200 dollar credit to be used right away. Again I'm thinking of the exploit possibility
crazymonkeyfish: if you deposit at the ATM, then 200$ is available immediately while the rest usually is available the next day. Most larger banks do this like wells fargo.
Going inside to deposit at the teller will not give you this credit though and the whole funds are available next day unless there is a hold placed, usually for higher$ amounts or due to excessive overdrafts.
some banks with older atms do not give immediate availability of cash at the atm but every bank i have ever heard of gives immediate credit when depositing at a teller.
If he has an online only bank, then maybe it takes a few days to mail the cash in for them to verify it? not sure why it would take a few days. often people don't know anything about how their bank works when they hand them information at the account opening that makes everything clear. It really is not that hard to read or just ask your bank how funds availability works.
| 13 | 216.076923 | |
1408110192 | 1408154026 | t3_2dms9k | t5_2to41 | 157 | jjstumpy: TIFU by farting in my cubicle
Like most submissions this happened two weeks ago. Ill run you through the night before to give you idea how this happened. A couple buddies and I went out to the bars which was having $1 beers. We always make a beer pyramid with our leftover cans too look badass to everyone else. When we get there we see another group already starting a pyramid so its fucking game on. By the end of the night we made the Great Pyramid of Giza with our cans and watched the other group walk out in defeat. Honestly don't know if they even noticed our pyramid but we felt victorious. This bar didn't serve food so we were starving for a late night snack and what better place then your buttholes best friend Taco Bell. Having no common sense, I order enough food for 2 people thinking I can put it all down. After eating 2 quesoritos, 2 soft tacos, and cinnamon sticks, I had to admit defeat to the night.
After fighting with myself to get up in the morning for work I finally get the strength to move. I make my coffee and begin my journey to work. And this is where the fuck up begins... I can feel this concoction brewing in my stomach the whole ride there (this is a 30min drive). I get to work barely on time and decide to go straight to work instead of letting bowels loose. Not even 10 minutes into work I feel the need to let some pressure out since my stomach could take no more. My cubicle is no bigger then a small bathroom, so there is no where for this smell to linger to. I let out a squealer not thinking it would do much damage but within seconds it smelled like if you were driving past a cow farm. So bad I could taste it and after a couple more bombs I decide its time to take this to the bathroom. Nope too late... Like a scary movie I hear these foot steps coming towards my cube louder with each step. It felt like time was slowing down as he got closer to my cube which smelled like a septic tank now. As I turn around to great my visitor I realize its my boss with some work for me to do. He takes one step in and says "Hey I got this spreadsheet...." and the only way I can describe his face is if you were to watch someone's reaction to 2 girls 1 cup. Completely caught of guard he slowly walks back out of cube and finishes his lecture standing outside my cubicle looking over my wall. He departs not even letting me ask any kind of question about this spreadsheet. We never talked about it and now every time my boss comes to talk to me he stands behind the wall too save himself from burning his nose hairs again.
TIFU by farting in my cubicle
rodthagr8: ummmmmmm yeah! i'm gonna need you to relocate your desk to the basement....
jjstumpy: I'm surprised they haven't quarantined my cube yet
HouseOfMiro: Careful, they may charge you the cost of the hazmat.
jjstumpy: I need a lawyer to protect me from my own farts
HouseOfMiro: I with all honesty had a visual of the satisfaction and relief you felt after the ppppweeeeeeeeetthhh. Priceless!
jjstumpy: It felt like when you held in a piss all day and finally let it out
HouseOfMiro: The gaseous emission was probably as dense as a liquid, so probably factually accurate.
| 8 | 19.625 | |
1408112316 | 1408113631 | t3_2dmvmr | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a blunt person and not getting hints
First off, fuck throwaways, second, this technically happened yesterday, blah blah blah...
Onto the fuck up at hand, but fist, some back story. This fuck up has been going on for almost four years now. In my sophomore year of highschool, I met this girl whom I shall call, Kate (not her real name) and she was at that time in a relationship with a friend at the time. Now, friend should be used lightly here because that kid was a total creep and a douche and nobody liked him, hence why we stopped being friends. Either way, I waited for their inevitable break-up before I seized the opportunity and asked her out. We dated for a week, she was fickle about being in another relationship so soon and we ended it. Light friendship ensued for the next two years until my senior year.
12/21/12 was fast approaching and me being a skeptic yet also planning for the worst decided, hey, I wanna get laid before the world potentially ends! So, I rekindled the friendship that we had over the years. Now, Kate had a new boyfriend. We'll call him David. David was a HUGE religious freak, as in, she wanted to have sex, and he didn't until marriage. She practically had to beg him for it before he convinced himself that he'd marry this girl in the future therefore making it ok. He was also quite... interesting? I guess that's a way to put it. He hung out with all the kids whom were kept to themselves, the kind that would wear naruto headbands into school and play MTG in the hallway (Sidenote: I played MTG as well, BUT, in the library during my free period with others where it was a perfectly acceptable thing to do, but I digress) but you know, THOSE kids. Anyway, one day after a field trip, I had the joy of driving both David and Kate back to their respective houses. Strategically, I dropped David off first, and on the way to drop Kate off, initiated the plan. I used some smooth linguistics and ended up sucking face on the way home, (Kids, don't kiss and drive, not a good idea.) and this lead to further and further acts of infidelity. Over the next month I would drive Kate home from school as her house was only about a mile out of the way from mine so it didn't bother me, and that eventually lead to me hanging out with her. Every Tuesday her mother worked until 5 and her sister had track until 4ish so we essentially had the house to ourselves. After a month of heavy petting, things finally lead to the bedroom and a real NSA FWB glorious relationship emerged. Mind you, this was all when Kate and David were still dating.
Now let me state that though I was the person someone cheated with, I'd never cheat on somebody. Some weird, fucked up logic, but hey, it's the truth. Over the course of the next 3 months we'd hook up at her house resulting in many funny stories, awkward moments, the usual kinda things, but it was at this point I felt a sense of attraction from Kate. Going into the whole FWB thing, I stated that it should be totally NSA, but what resulted were feelings, and thus, I panicked. So, what did I do? Only the stupidest thing I could have done... I ended it. I told her that if there was going to be feelings that I couldn't do it and ended up walking away. We stayed friends, and David eventually found out due to my asshat of a previous friend who went TOTALLY off the deep end, and he just shrugged it off. After all, he was supposed to marry this girl. I ended up dating someone from late May to September which turned out to be a massive mistake (luckily, I didn't get a chance to stick my dick in that bucket of crazy).
Come yesterday, I decided to hang out with Kate who has since broken up with David and is with her new boyfriend. It was here that she told me that I had royally fucked up. Apparently she had been hinting to me since that April that she'd have broken up with David for me and we could have been together, legitimately, with all of the booty calls I could have ever wanted. At the time, I didn't realize any of this and had just shrugged her off, thinking she wasn't going to break up with him and I couldn't go any longer with that whole situation. Alas, I've now got a good friend (Kate) but no chance to ever rekindle the underlying feelings until her and her current boyfriend break up which, truth be told, doesn't seem like it'll be anytime soon.
TL;DR Was FWB with old friend, she cheated on her current bf with me, I ran away because feelings, didn't realize she'd break up with him for me, missed out on a great person and tons of awesome sex.
tyes77: Well if she was willing to cheat on her old bf I'm sure she'd be willing to cheat on this one. Unless you were a real asshole about breaking up with her then yeah TYFU.
oTurtlez: Oh trust me, she won't. And I never broke up with her, she broke up with me years back, and I ended the FWB more recently, which, I guess could be considered breaking up.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408113359 | 1408143408 | t3_2dmxai | t5_2to41 | 701 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering used panties to my parents house. Now my mom has wrapped them up for my sister and will give them to her in a few hours. NSFW
toxicgreen1: Gross. Wtf wanting used panties? Ugh
HopelessSemantic: You are not the fetish police. Just because you don't understand a particular kink doesn't mean you should shame the people who are into it.
toxicgreen1: Kink lol
HopelessSemantic: What? That's what it is.
toxicgreen1: More like stink
HopelessSemantic: Again, you have no right to judge someone else for their sexual preferences.
toxicgreen1: again, ugh dirty panties.
HopelessSemantic: Again, not really your place to judge.
toxicgreen1: Im guessing you like to sniff skid marks too. Now I get why you're so upset. I really do.
HopelessSemantic: Ugh. No, used panties are not my cup of tea. I just think it's stupid and rude to judge others for their fetishes.
| 11 | 63.727273 | |
1408116034 | 1408132379 | t3_2dn1t2 | t5_2to41 | 17 | JTallmadgeJr: TIFU by possibly igniting a rebellion against the government.
thebrownspoon: Historical TIFU's should be a thing!
[deleted]: I disagree, I don't come to this sub to learn history.
beastazore: True. I come her too commiserate with or laugh at others poor choices and mistakes
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1408112325 | 1408158130 | t3_2dmvnb | t5_2to41 | 57 | Rachellybean: Tifu by losing my balance while peeing outside.
Every morning i walk my dogs on a lovely river trail. Today at work i decided to drink a ton of water for some reason. This along with my choice of footwear (my old skechers rocker soles) were the fatal mistakes of my day. It is a long river trail and there are no bathrooms anywhere. This is no problem for me as I consider myself an expert outdoor trau dropper. I had to go badly so I hurried into the bush to do the deed. As I was mid flow I lost my balance on my stupid shoes. I could have picked a spot with fewer roots but I was in a hurry. Suddenly I was peeing into my own pants. I hurried to adjust and with that my phone fell out of my pocket right into the splash zone. So now here I am on the walk of shame with wet shorts. My phone is waterproof but it did end up spattered. I know the other walkers don't realize I peed my pants. But their dogs sure do.... still not quite as bad as the incident with the cyclist.
Jarbatalapus: >still not quite as bad as the incident with the cyclist.
Now OP is obligated to tell us about the incident with the cyclist.
PM_YOUR_BOOBIES_: Yeah, OP... tell us about the cyclist
arse4hats: She peed on a cyclist. °-°
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1408117994 | 1408119356 | t3_2dn5ae | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling in love
TIFU. Well this was months ago but my life is basically fucked.
Warning: wall of text coming up
Going out with office friends Saturday night, go to new club everyone's hyped about. Pretty huge crowd. Lots of hot girls. I personally think I'm a solid 6 and I'm hoping to get laid tonight. Chat up a few girls by the bar. They come and go. Me, not very successful. Getting a bit tipsy. Most of my officemates are nowhere to be found. I stumble a bit here and there and I eventually bump into this girl and spill my drink on her shoes. This girl. For me she is a straight-up 10 but I guess a standard 8 would be for everyone else. I apologize, a bit too much. She laughs it off. I buy her a drink, we end up talking for what felt like hours. She's nice, funny and witty. And pretty fucking hot. I ask her if she prefers to go to her place or mine. Surprisingly, it works and she says hers is fine. We get to her apartment which is pretty close to the club. It looks like it belongs to some dirt-poor plebeian. She tells me she's staying here for a few weeks. Start making out like crazy. Fuck. Then fuck again. It was fantastic. After getting all of it out of our system, we just lay there next to each other. We start talking. We never run out of anything to talk about for the rest of the night but eventually she falls asleep. Wake up next morning. I look down to see her with her arm wrapped around my chest and I just smile to myself. I stay there until she wake up too. When she does she's happy to see me too. Then we get dressed, leave her shit apartment and get some breakfast. Talk some more over breakfast and she is amazing. It's never awkward. We walk back to her place and have more sex. It's even better this time completely sober. We talk some more but this time about personal stuff. She tells me about herself, her life, what she's trying to do now, her family. I listen. And I'm genuinely interested. I tell her about my family, how hard it is having to try to grow as my own person apart from mine. Getting a job in a career path completely different from the family business. How hard it was to get that going with them. And how hard it was constantly worrying about failing and running back to them when I do. I tell her about my shit job and how I pretty much want to kill myself everyday. I tell her everything. Hours go by and we spend the rest of the day in bed, talking or fucking. I have work the next day. I tell her I really want to see her again. We exchange numbers, last names, etc. Ready to leave. I kiss her goodbye. Decide to fuck it. Go back in and have moar smex.
Wake up next morning, boss is calling. Had a presentation. She wake up when I'm trying to make up some shit explanation about how I got sick and slept in. I just trail off and go "um bye". Boss goes ballistic (a few strikes before this basically on his watch list already). Get back in bed. She asks me if i ever thought of just leaving like just going away and cutting it all off. I never have because my career is basically the main finger to my shit life. I ask her if she has and she says shes trying to but it she never really cut it loose. I get this crazy idea about us moving in together and living on the beach and i tell her about it. I've always pictured big dramatic escapes in the beach. She laughs at first but then she tells me sure. I'm quiet for a while and i ask really? She says why not? She goes and gets her laptop from her drawer and she looks for some plane tickets to this place she's always planned to settle down in. I consider this. I've been there before and i tell her that im sure we could find some places to work and a cheap place to stay for a while. We start discussing living arrangements. And we're pretty serious. We both think that we have to take this seriously, so she tells me we should both take a month to decide. Agree and go back to shit life with asshole boss and asshole phonecalls from my mom constantly reminding me of what a failure I am. As the days go by, I hate it even more because now I know I can just run away with this amazing, beautiful person, and I start looking forward to the end of the month hoping she feels the same way by then too. We meet for drinks and dinner during the month.
Fast forward to the end of the month. We meet up, I tell her that I'm down with it. She is too. So I quit my job, leave my apartment and fly away with her. We get to our new home together. We find a cheap apartment, pretty livable. Both get pretty chill jobs. I do a little freelancing at night with online writing jobs. Routing basically is wake up, quick morning sexy time, go to work, go home, chill on beach, write a bit, sexy time, sleep. Three months of bliss. By now, I know that I've fallen in love with this woman. Now, we both know that we're eventually going to get phone calls and emails and such from out families. We agreed to check our phones and emails once a week. She tells me she responds to hers but she doesn't give much away. I decide to do the same and be as vague as possible. Check mine for the week. No missed calls this time. But a few minutes into checking my email (on my phone) my dad calls. I panic. I answer it. My dad starts with "What. The. Fuck." In a really level voice. He always knows how to strike the fear of god into my soul. Then he tells me that it's one thing to fuck up my future, it's another to fuck up everyone else's. He tells me that my mother's been worried sick and yaddayaddayadda. I tell him that i'm sorry if I've been the cause of a lot of stress for the family but I'm finally happy and I wish they'd just be glad for me. Go back to her and revel in how much she completes me. Weeks go by and I try to enjoy it as much as I think I should. I can tell she's trying to get into the idea that we're both completely happy now. A few more weeks go by and I don't know but anxiety starts catching up and I start thinking about whether this is what I want the rest of my life to be. We still stay up at night talking. We still tell each other everything. I tell her how I feel. She tells me she's been thinking of that too. She tells me that when she met me she thought this was when she'd finally scored a goal in life. She thought this was what she'd been building up to. She tells me that she still wants to see the rest of the world. I tell her I still want to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. She asks me if I want to travel with her. I think about her shit apartment and our semi-shit home and our menial job and I know it's not for me. I had a blast but I think I've had my fill. She tells me she understands and she sort of knew this wasn't going to last. We decide to call it quits. I fly home. Try to get my job back. Nope. Boss still has this focused lactating rage directed towards me. Tried getting other jobs in field in companies as popular as mine. Nope. Boss called that shit up and made sure she'd shat on my career. Blew most of my savings on getaway trip with semi-dream girl. Sucked all of my pride up and called my mom. She's crying and she tells me that, apparently, my dad called my boss and told her everything so I'm sure to learn my lesson. Fucking wot. Tell my mom that I'm coming over. Get to parent's house, she's glad to see me and cries and choke hugs me. Wait for dad to get home. He sees me. He goes on and starts with a direct assault towards my manhood. I throw a punch. Get in a little fight. My mom gets scared And says, “You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.” I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, “Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!” I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
chitown851: I can't believe I read this terrible shit.
Kid_Icarus42: Seconded
tyes77: I didn't but leaving this reply in hopes for a TL;DR
Kid_Icarus42: TL;DR Incessant rambling leading to bel-air'd
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1408118962 | 1408121199 | t3_2dn708 | t5_2to41 | 7 | ASK_ME_IF_IM_A_FORK: TIFU by getting a physical
Kid_Icarus42: I thought this was going to be a way to tell everyone you found out you were a fork.
So...are you?
Dingleberyz: What is a fork?
Kid_Icarus42: It's like when you're going down a road, and there are two paths to choose, and you have to pick the road less traveled because a poet told you to
Dingleberyz: Oh so the thought was that OP was intersex?
303hawkeye: Read OP's name...
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1408120064 | 1408151086 | t3_2dn8yy | t5_2to41 | 10 | i_drink_MrClean: TIFU by being a good son
It happened last night.
My mom's a hard worker. I appreciate her supporting me. I'll do whatever I can to help her relax when she gets back home, like getting her some food or giving her back and legs a massage with a machine. I've given her massages before, but holy shit I made the mistake of giving her one after a long day of work.
She lays down, I massage her back, no problem there. She's just a tad sweaty from working, I understand that. But when I get to her buttocks, this is where I truly regretted being helpful. I caught a whiff of the "fish market."
I've been curious about a woman's lady bits, and read up on them before. Supposedly it smelled like raw fish. Ok, fish doesn't smell too bad. it doesn't smell appetizing, but it's not like I'll start vomiting everywhere.
That did not prepare me for whatever stank I just experienced. I took it like a man, finished the massage, and rushed to the bathroom. I gagged and nearly vomited. I've never felt this nauseous in my life before.
umbral_moonshine: You massaged your mom's ass...?
i_drink_MrClean: Well she sits and does a lot of desk work.
Besides, I'm not doing it by hand, I have a handheld massage machine to do it.
TheButtStuff: Hate to break it to you, but that's probably her vibrator.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1408122327 | 1408126283 | t3_2dnd4l | t5_2to41 | 5 | TheLorgore: TIFU By Trolling a Cop
[deleted]: Never go full retard.
Voyager5555: Think this is his resting state.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407968334 | 1408639483 | t3_2dhboh | t5_2to41 | 2 | 118R3volution: TIFU by purchasing a vintage poster.
It all started a few months ago. My fiance and I were walking through a Homesense looking for items to fill our recently built townhouse (you know, consumerism and all). We come across this BEAUTIFUL vintage poster with crisp, vibrant colors and sharp contrasting lines that we both adored. Now first of all, my fiance is a lovely woman, however almost never agrees with what we should put on our walls... so as you can imagine i'm feeling pretty good about this one. Until I see the price tag. Its $1000.00 and my heart sinks a bit. Now Fi and I do pretty well for ourselves, but there was no way I was cracking out the Visa to drop a thousand dollars on art when there are countless priorities higher on the list than artwork. Needless to say we left the store, and upon returning for a final look, the poster was on hold behind the till with someone else's name on it. Damn.
So now, as it stands today our walls are still a barren wasteland of mushroom grey paint desperately searching for color like a sailor lost at sea searching for land. One evening I caught myself staring at the blank wall and helplessly my mind wandered back to the gorgeous poster of the french cruise line that we fell in love with. So being a sly foxy individual, had the genius idea of going online and see if I could get it at a better price. BINGO, eBay for the win, I find the poster for $600 and talk the seller down to $450 US. I buy it. I'm stoked, beyond excited, I cannot wait to see it on my wall. Now after conversion and shipping, I am sitting at about $505.00 CDN. Sweet deal right? Half price! I wish. Today I find a UPS sticker in the mail "please leave a cheque" for $90 in brokerage fees. Damn, up to $595.00. Now for the kicker. How am I going to display this stunning authentic vintage 39.5" x 63" french cruise line poster you ask? The seller advises me to use foam-core backing, acid free mats and UV Filter Plexiglas to frame and preserve the poster if I want to display it. Now I have been getting quotes around town the lowest being $390 up to over $800 for the actual framing to be completed!
I made a sensible decision to not spend $1000 on a vintage poster. I tried to be clever about it, and will end up spending $1000-$1500 on the same vintage poster.
tehgavinator: Well it seems like you'd be paying less than if you had bought it for $1000 and then still had to buy the fancy framing : P
118R3volution: Haha! The one for sale was already framed!!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408118467 | 1408177036 | t3_2dn62v | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning a spiders leg UPDATE
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2d884y/tifu_by_burning_a_spiders_leg_near_my_bed/
UPDATE**
Was just lying on my bed and I see this red thing swinging down. Turns out it was a spider lowering itself above ME on my bed.. As soon as I noticed it, it started climbing back up. I have it trapped it in a jar now. Fuck my life, I don't ever wanna sleep in my room anymore knowing spiders are gonna be dropping down on me any second....
Jarbatalapus: Why post a whole new TIFU? Why not just edit the old one?
yliu1021: Sweet sweet karma
| 3 | 1 | |
1408123475 | 1408153609 | t3_2dnf8j | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by suggesting to a girl I like that I was being creepy
I was having a text conversation with a girl I like who's coming to a party at my house this weekend. Late last night, I sent her a slightly risky flirtatious joke about the fact that she would be sleeping in a double bed.
By 11 o'clock this morning she hadn't replied and, since she normally replies quickly to my texts and reciprocates my flirting, I started to worry that she found the joke creepy rather than flirty. I therefore decided to send her another message joking that my initial text had sounded funnier and less creepy in my head.
About half an hour later, she replied. It turned out that she had read the text last night, found it funny and then fallen asleep before replying. She was still asleep when I sent the second message but, when she woke up, she replied saying "I didn't find it creepy... I do now."
One step forward, three steps back.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: OP man, you gotta own a joke when you tell it.
Never back down on your jokes!
Lucasthegreat1: I am going to live by that from now on
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Make a Hitler joke. Someone's offended? Direct the next joke at them! Don't apologize for the previous one.
TheBomar: This guy knows his shit. Do what he says. Success will ensue.
| 5 | 15 | |
1408122876 | 1408138099 | t3_2dne3y | t5_2to41 | 233 | Obsidi-N: TIFU by masturbating in the dark.
Ok so this happened about 2 hours ago. It's midnight, everyone is asleep and I can't sleep. So, I decided to do what every normal person would do - masturbate. I was in my room, had tissues ready and the porn playing on my phone.
Here's where it all goes wrong.
I'm beatin' the meat when I hear this somewhat loud thump in my room. I thought I was just imagining things so kept going. All of a sudden, I feel this tingling sensation on my balls. I move my hand down to see what it was and I felt something cold... my heart fucking dropped as I felt it crawl up my hand and onto my nob. It was a cockroach and it wasn't a small one either. In a panic, I flicked it off, grabbed some clothes and got changed in the hallway carefully to not wake anyone up. I turn my light on and see this ugly black creature crawling on the floor. I watched for a bit to see what it would do, maybe it will leave? I was wrong... fucker had wings! I slammed the door and ran for the spray to kill it. As I opened the door back up it flew it out into my brothers room which was opposite mine. I sprayed at least half the bottle and it just disappeared. Pretty sure it is dead now, I waited 20 minutes and no sign of movement.
Now at this point, I've got blue balls and need to release so I wash my hands and go try again. I don't remember my mum going to ninja school, but she opened my door whilst I was getting ready to finish off what I had started and without hesitation walked back out again. This is awkward...
TL;DR Cockroach with wings landed on my genitals mid-act causing panic and blue balls. Killed it (I hope...) and during the process woke up my mum who then walked in on me finishing what I had started.
MartyMartinez33: I didn't know ninja school was a real thing
MaskedSociopath: That's because you're not a ninja.
CrazyKiwiCake: You wouldn't know either, you're a sociopath.
MaskedSociopath: That's what you think.
MartyMartinez33: no that's what you think since you put it in your reddit username
MaskedSociopath: Alright. Time to skin you alive and burn you're internals. ;)
_Rodrigo_: >you are internals
| 8 | 29.125 | |
1408123908 | 1408239066 | t3_2dng2h | t5_2to41 | 162 | Talfrey: TIFU by mistyping a date on my Resume.
Look, I know that some of your are likely already inclined to pop in here an inform me that the results of my fuck up are to be expected. One's resume is supposed to be entirely accurate and that any fallout from a mistake in such is entirely deserved.
You'd be right, of course, but that still makes you an asshole.
I believe the name of this subreddit is "Today I fucked up?"
Anyway, so as the title suggested, I submitted a resume with incorrect information. Somehow, despite apparently working two jobs at once, no one comments on it until the background check.
I clear the hurdles of two interviews, leaving both with smiles, sure in myself of how well I had performed.
I pass a drug screening, and even receive an offer letter (with the caveat I pass a background check). I submit my two weeks notice, rent a uhaul, and get ready to move.
Now the thing about this job is that it's damn near a dream job. A significant pay bump, AMAZING benefits. AMAZING. Let me make that clear. Plus, I would be working with one of the best friends I have ever had. Everything about my situation would be better.
But then the background check company contacts me about a discrepancy.
Apparently I put 2012 instead of 2013 for a start date for one job... I tell them I can't show I worked during 2012, because, well, I didn't.
Once again, I am contacted by the company who I was interviewing for. Again I inform them of the mistake.
A third time, the background company tries to have me provide documentation for my 2012 employment for the company I only worked for during 2013.
I couldn't provide.
Time passes, I speak again to the hiring manager at the company and nothing seems wrong, it looks like I will be starting in early September.
Then, a voicemail. "We will not be moving forward."
A simply mistake and the job is lost. I already quit my old job, I already have a uhaul. I am already packed, and my fiance has already said goodbye to her closest friend.
And here I am.
An ass.
Without a job.
Because of a mistake with a single date.
Today, I fucked up. Today, I am going to drink
desipioj: I work for a staffing agency and do Employment verification all the time, various people make mistakes on Resumes, from putting down companies they worked at but weren't actually payed by (Temp Services) to not putting down companies they worked with because they didn't feel it was relevant to the position they applied for. Incorrect dates are the most common issue and not a major factor as long as it isn't a huge discrepancy (or explained as a typo like in your situation).
That you were turned down because of that issue seems more like the responsibility of the background check company they used who did their verification service for them (A reason we ourselves do our verifying in house). Sorry to hear you lost your dream job because some company didn't listen when you informed them that 2012 wasn't the correct date.
paracelsus23: >from putting down companies they worked at but weren't actually payed by (Temp Services)
Currently in this situation - I have it listed as "company I've been working at full time for 2.5 years (contractor)" - and figured I'd provide more details on the pay arrangement if asked. I assume that would be viewed as acceptable?
> to not putting down companies they worked with because they didn't feel it was relevant to the position they applied for.
What's wrong with this? If I worked a second job for a few months while maintaining continuous employment somewhere else, isn't that my business?
desipioj: Contractor would be acceptable if you were independent. As for the second question, we have one client who requires an entire 7 year employment history, so when we clear for that client we need to know everything. If they were to hire you full time and found a location you neglected to mention on your resume, it'd be considered withholding information and grounds for termination.
4p69387693: Resumes don't even need to have employment histories; they can be functional/profile/bio style resumes. If the company requires a complete 7 year history they should make that part of a separate application form.
desipioj: What you're describing would be considered the cover letter, a resume should in fact the have your employment history. I've found the most important thing to learn is to be able to describe your position but also what you do in the company during your interview.
4p69387693: No, I'm not describing the cover letter at all. There are a variety of resume types. Functional resumes typically have *very* condensed employment history sections.
From a random article I found on Monster.com "If you've held a number of different or unrelated jobs during a relatively short period of time and are worried about being labeled as a job-hopper, the functional resume (also known as a "skills-based format") could be the answer for you."
I used one that received several job offers, not because I worked a large number of jobs but because I only worked one job with a large number of duty titles (was in the military 10 years). I ended up just telling people dates in the interviews.
| 7 | 23.142857 | |
1408083568 | 1408154957 | t3_2dm3np | t5_2to41 | 15 | FakeNameToday: TIFU by getting unlost.
Forgive me since I've never posted this story and I've never posted to this sub before.
About one year ago around September I started my first year of Uni. I got a job as campus security since it paid very well and I didn't mind staying up late. The job involved patrolling buildings at night as well as escorting people to and from locations after being called to do so.
This is where I fucked up. I got a call for an escort during the night and it seemed very basic at the start. I arrived at the location and met a very cute looking girl whom had been studying at the library. I'm not exactly the Romeo type so I usually don't flirt consciously, but I was definitely into her. Trying to keep professional I don't lay it on thick at all and just try to keep it friendly.
We start walking and she is quite clearly the shy type. After a bit of coaxing and one worded small talk answers I eventually get her to chat with me. We enjoy a few different conversations from our mutual love of Tennis to majors at Uni. She is guiding our walking to her house as I certainly don't know the best way to get there. During this I mention how eager I am to join different clubs. She asks what sort of things I'm interested in, I passively say 'Nerdy things' she perks up at the sound of that and pushes me further until I say I've always had a thing for DnD, but couldn't find a group for it so I'm thinking about making one with a few friends. She immediately goes on a long rant about how she has always wanted to play it but her group of friends just doesn't have the patience for it. I mention that I actually have a group starting up and we're looking for one more member. She keeps on smiling and repeats herself by mentioning how she has always wanted to play before again and again.
I didn't pick up on any of it. She was almost shoving it down my throat that I could definitely invite her and she would love it. This isn't even the worst part.
We get lost on the way to her house. We end up at a spot where her house is on the other side of a very long lot that is fenced up and she can't figured out how to get there through without hopping a fence (which I can't do on duty). We're standing there as she tries to get her bearings. Conversation had lulled to almost nothing before she finally continued it by asking about different Dnd things. I continued not catching her drift and answered enthusiastically.
I eventually say I'll try getting us there. I get us there with little effort, she apologizes saying it should have been easy. I walk her to her door and she stands on the porch as I stand there smiling just off of the porch. She thanks me and still lingers. I eventually say, "You have a good night!" turn my back and leave.
One month later I look back at the situation and cringe at how dense I was being. I was really into her, she was really into me. I regret it so much. I used to even joke about how I escorted a girl home that couldn't figure out how to get home.
TL;DR Was working as an escort person. Got a call to bring a girl home. Chatted with the shy pretty girl and found we had similar interests. She wanted to play Dnd, I needed one more person to make my Dnd group. I miss all the signs and she purposely gets us lost to talk more. I get us unlost and leave without a name, number, or anything.
COCOBOLO_ENTHUSIAST: hey guy, it's happened to all of us, and it's ok. the more shit like this happens, the better you get at figuring out what kind of person you want and how not to waste time. let's look at the facts: you found a woman who (1) you are attracted to and (2) plays DnD. people say god doesn't give with two hands, but he seems to at least have used a little sumpin' extra when he was fixing her up.
if you want to see her again, don't let it slide. it would be easy enough to drop a short letter in her mailbox saying you were that charming guy who gave her a lift, inviting her to play, and leaving your phone number.
fortune favors the bold!
FakeNameToday: I'm afraid I don't have much of a choice. Between the month of me dropping her off and me realizing what was happening, I must have taken 100+ people to different places. In the year since the incident I've probably taken 300+.I don't really remember where she lives anymore.
I really like the way you put the last sentence of your first paragraph. Thanks for the advice!
TheRealMcCoy95: Ask around someone you know must have a mutual friend that knows of her.
FakeNameToday: It's a long shot but I suppose it couldn't hurt. I go to a rather big Uni.
Thanks for the idea.
TheRealMcCoy95: Nothing ventured nothing gained.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1408089929 | 1408641102 | t3_2dm9i7 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Fuck_Dane_Cook: TIFU by re-telling a skit from Dane Cook.
So, back in the days of yore (when I was in 4th grade), I was a big fan of Dane Cook. I saw videos on the internet and couldn't stop laughing, so why not share the laughter with my fellow school mates?
So I'm on the bus at school (the bus would reach the school then wait until a certain time to let everybody off) and while I'm waiting, I decided to tell the kids around me a skit from Dane Cook.
If you know Dane Cook's stand ups, it's from his "Vicious Circle" stand up.
The whole premise of the joke was that some dude sneezed while waiting in line for something and Cook replies with "Bless You". And the man replies saying he's an athiest. They start to have a "religious debate". Dane asks him what he believes happens when you die. The man explains he believes in reincarnation, that he'll become a tree when he dies. Dane's reply is that he hopes some sweaty guy with an axe comes and chops him down, turns him into paper and prints the bible on him.
A lint ball, a little ball of lint, turns into a cluster fuck later in the day.
So I'm in class, and I get called to the office. Who do I see waiting there? A fucking officer of the law. The 9 year old me is petrified.
They sit me down and start interrogating me, asking me where I learned such vulgar and violent language. I am thoroughly confused at this point.
The officer and Principal (let's call him Dickhead) then explain to me that one student (let's call this trouble maker Phil) came to them, telling them that I had threatened to cut off every single one of his limbs, drag him through a muddy forest and print bible verses on his body.
So at this point, my parents had arrived. They explained that Phil's parents pressed charges against me, and it turns out these charges were for Terroristic Threatening. The officer proceeded to take my thumbprint.
I was incidentally suspended from school and was required to go to multiple court hearings.
My step-sister, who is in the same grade as me, rode the same bus as me, and we sat relatively close to each other. Principal Dickhead called in multiple witnesses before calling me into the office. Each witness explained that I was innocent and that the kid was lying. How do I know this? They called in my step sister, who knew most of the kids who heard the joke, and talked about it afterwards. One kid, the friend of Phil who didn't even ride our bus, said I was guilty.
So, after about 3 court hearings, Phil confesses it was a lie and the parents drop the charges. So much trouble for absolutely no reason at all.
Edit: Needed to add the bit about the man in the joke mentioning being reincarnated as a tree.
MartyMartinez33: "The officer and Principal (let's call him Dickhead)"
was dying after that part
TheRealMcCoy95: Principal Dickhead. I guess he was a pretty cocky guy. Being a principal and all.
dam1985: You wouldn't believe the balls on that guy...
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1408125187 | 1408130235 | t3_2dnii4 | t5_2to41 | 106 | TurnDownForPage394: TIFU by telling a "your mom" joke
A little over a week ago, my best friend's mom committed suicide. His whole family has taken it really hard- understandably so- but we've been trying to keep him in positive spirits. Today was no exception, as it was her funeral.
Following the services, there was a luncheon in the church's gymnasium. There were a whole group of teenagers sitting together, maybe seven or eight of us, including my best friend and I. We were telling jokes, trying to keep the mood light without going too far.
I kept getting texts from my mom, asking when I would be home (overprotective...I'm still in high school...blah blah). Eventually my friend leaned over and asked who I was texting. The conversation went about like this:
Friend: "Who ya texting?"
Me: "My girlfriend. Haha"
Friend: "Oh really? I didn't know you swung that way. What's her name?"
And then, being the moronic twelve-year-old-boy-trapped-in-a-seventeen-year-old-girl's-body that I am, I responded with, "Your mom!"
Normally a joke like that would make him laugh.
This time it didn't. He started to cry.
Realizing what I'd done, I quickly apologized, said I needed to go to the restroom, and booked it out of there. I don't know what to do now, r/tifu. Help.
Tl;dr I told my friend a "Your mom" joke at his mother's funeral
tripl35oul: I think the biggest fuck up is you just taking off. Just give him a sincere apology and explain what your intention was.
TurnDownForPage394: I called him a few minutes ago. And told him how sorry I was. I think everything is mildly okay now.
| 3 | 35.333333 | |
1408126722 | 1408231100 | t3_2dnlc6 | t5_2to41 | 17 | fredosaur: TIFU by downloading pornography.
A couple of days ago I was on my computer and felt the need to masturbate. I remembered that a while ago I had torrented some pornography and was looking through the videos I had. I decided that it might be time to get some new material.
I imagine some people are curious why I would feel the need to download pornography when I can just stream it. Most ads on most porn sites scare the shit out of me and I actually fainted once after seeing an especially graphic ad. I do sometimes go on these sites, but I always end up having a difficult time masturbating even after going full screen because the images replaying in mind destroy my erection.
Anyway, I went looking for some new material and found some torrents that I downloaded. I hadn't done this in well over a year and I had never had any problems so I didn't think about it too much. Once the files were done downloading, I closed the program and pleasured myself to the shiny new porn I had. Then I went to sleep.
This morning I woke up to get ready for work. My dad gives me rides to work all the time because we work very close to one another. I go and make sure my dad is awake (which he was not) and tell him to get ready so we can leave.
I finish getting ready for work and go to the kitchen to grab my lunch and when I turn around my dad is standing there staring at his phone. I started walking towards the door, but I couldn't get to it because he was standing in the way, staring at his phone.
He looks up at me and I notice the extremely perplexed look on his face. He asks me (mainly in Spanish, mixing in English words), "Do you use any sort of peer-to-peer program?" When he says "peer-to-peer" he sounds like he has no idea what this means.
It was 6:00 a.m., so I was completely thrown off by the question. I just kind of mutter "¿Qué?"
He repeats himself "On your computer, do you use any sort of peer-to-peer program? Like on your laptop or something?" After he says this he starts muttering to himself about the email and it finally starts to click.
I look down and see the email is from Comcast. Just as I begin to read the name of the file in question, my dad reads it out loud. "XXX [Porn star's name] gets fucked..." or "XXX [Porn star's name] gets fucked in her fat ass..." (something like that, you know how those files are always labeled so tastefully).
My dad is extremely against piracy of any sort and illegal file sharing, in the past he specifically has told me not to download any of these programs on the home computer.
On the inside I felt like a deer in the headlights, I had no fucking idea what I was going to do. While I'm in this state of shock, I managed to answer my dad with my best confused-sounding "no, I don't know what that is." My dad starts walking out the door, still staring at his phone, and I follow him outside. He's muttering to himself "what is this?" reading over it again and again. Then we're in front of the house and he asks me again and I say to him "I barely use my lap top anymore, dad, I have no clue what that is."
Finally we get into the car after what feels like a lifetime. I'm sitting in the passenger seat and my dad in the driver's seat. He's still holding his phone staring down at the message and I, again, see the title of the file I downloaded staring back at me. The black text on the bright white background looked like it was reaching out and putting its hands around my throat.
Then, he puts his phone down, starts the car and starts driving. I turn on the radio and we don't talk the whole car ride. The whole time in the car, I'm thinking "is he going to say something? should I say something? should I apologize? FUCK!? I'm 23 years old, I shouldn't be scared to tell my dad that I downloaded porn and that I'm sorry that I got him in trouble with Comcast." And then I immediately thought, "Yeah, no, fuck that." I get to work say "gracias" and get the fuck out of the car.
I was so embarrassed by the fact that my transgression had been discovered and I was so scared by how my dad would react. I think that he probably assumes it's me and that I'm just playing dumb, especially since the only other people who live in our house are my mom and my sister.
My dad is an awesome guy, he is extremely supportive and if it wasn't for him I would have nothing, not even a laptop for jerking off. I feel bad that I haven't admitted to him that it was my fault. We'll see what happens when I get home.
**TL;DR Dad got an email from Comcast this morning saying someone had used a peer-to-peer file sharing program to download an explicitly titled, obviously pornographic file. Being the only male besides my father living in the house, I try to feign ignorance and deny any involvement.**
Edit: Shouldn't instead of should in the following sentence: "I'm 23 years old, I shouldn't be scared to tell my dad that I downloaded porn"
frozenanuran: If he's open about the porn but strict about the pirating i would probably admit to it.
frozenanuran: And you guys could share videos.
fredosaur: Hahaha
frozenanuran: Wasn't a joke. Like father like son. Maybe have mom come over.
frozenanuran: Oh god that was weird wasn't it? It just got weird huh?
fredosaur: Nah man, it was necessary.
frozenanuran: Well necessarily weird it is.
| 8 | 2.125 | |
1408129587 | 1408138580 | t3_2dnqjf | t5_2to41 | 2 | Doctor_Reynolds: TIFU By shoving my foot in my friend's girlfriend's ass crack
tyes77: It would sound better if you said you had accidently molested your friend's ass with your foot.
johnnywacko: it's not your fucking story!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408127493 | 1408152824 | t3_2dnmuf | t5_2to41 | 21 | xenokilla: TIFU By making a Holocaust joke at work.
I work at a Large MFG Company and today we had 2 very important visitors from A Well known German company in for a "visit that could define the future of our company". Being in IT they had us on standby near the conference room in case any of the visitors needed to get on the wifi or if some of the AV stuff failed. After a few it looked like we wouldn't be needed so we were sent on our way. My co worker asked me what we should do. I told him "we'll its probably in our best interested to hide from the Germans from the rest of the day, so Operation [Ann Frank](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Frank) is a go." My Boss overheard, I have a meeting with HR Monday.
unoctium1: I don't think you really needed to link to Anne Frank's wikipedia page.
johnnywacko: i knew who she was but clicked anyway. what a great smile!
xRyubuz: She wasn't smiling wh... nah
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1408130575 | 1408171857 | t3_2dnscg | t5_2to41 | 32 | 15gilem: TIFU by hiking while commando
My cross country team at my highschool starts practice 2 weeks before school. Our first practice is a 7 mile round trip hike.
Now, i've gone commando for many months. This was the first time I had a problem. See, my shorts (to be put bluntly) chaffed my dick all the way up the mountain.
No problem! it just hurts a little.
On the way down, i feel a little bit of wetness down there. Not the good kind. Then I see flecks of blood on my shorts. I hold it together, get home, and take off my shorts
I now have a small flat part on the tip of my tip. I'm pretty sure it won't grow back. I Fucked up.
Also, the shorts are ruined. blood all over the inside and a good deal on the front.
genericname1231: **OH GOD WHY THE HELL DID I READ THAT**
15gilem: You came to see fuckups! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
genericname1231: **NO, I'M IN PAIN**
FGHIK: Not as much as op
genericname1231: Fair point, still.
I got hurt reading that T_T
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1408130958 | 1408205913 | t3_2dnt1a | t5_2to41 | 222 | MattBobRoss: TIFU by getting reddit banned from my college
Again not today but still probably more recent then most on this page, I've just finished my first year of college in England (For Americans that's 16-17 years of age). One of the subjects I took was IT and the teacher was unbelievably dull. He couldn't teach and so most of my time was spent on reddit with you lovely people. Now being the usual slightly dumb teenager I was subscribed to a selection of NSFW sub-reddits. One day after about 10 months of harmlessly browsing the front page during lessons I go to click on some news article, and my stupid fingers click on a different link. The error screen that appears when the college intranet blocks a webpage appears in front of me. Naturally I panic and close the page down as quick as humanly possible.
I go back the next day to find reddit now on the list of banned webpages. The website doesn't work on my computer or phone, the apps doesn't work on their WiFi, I don't know how they did it but reddit is well and truly gone for everyone.
I have no idea if they know it was me but I won't be returning to that college anyway because I failed my first year of A-Levels but that's a different story dear Redditors...
TL;DR: I got reddit banned from my college's intranet by looking at porn
cerbaroo: Oh my. I hope the other students never figure out it was you.
MattBobRoss: I feel their vengeance would be worse than the college's...
staKtiK: Lucky for you there is no downvote button irl.
Gheazu: Only murder
Adalas: Well, that a new way to picture "downvoted to the ground". Hahah!
| 6 | 37 | |
1408133767 | 1408144720 | t3_2dny4r | t5_2to41 | 5 | thisstarkid: TIFU by looking at my mom's phone
Jarbatalapus: Blackmail.
...
...
Don't actually do that.
SLUzer07: Don't blackmail her.. But you should definitely make her do things for you and buy you things with the understanding that if she doesn't then you will tell everyone. But make sure you don't blackmail her. Just coerce her into doing things based on the security of what you know... I think there's a new iPhone coming out. Just thought I'd mention that.
WaffleMonster42: "Don't blackmail her.. But you should definitely make her do things for you and buy you things with the understanding that if she doesn't then you will tell everyone. But make sure you don't blackmail her. Just coerce her into doing things based on the security of what you know."
This is exactly what blackmail is, so...
jenniferjoyous: Hang on guys, he'll get it.
| 5 | 1 | |
1408134474 | 1408155033 | t3_2dnzef | t5_2to41 | 11 | zacsquatch: Tifu by calling the cops...
So...I got in my first "accident" today while driving . I was sitting at a red light and the guy in front of me decided to start backing up to let someone else in. I was on the horn, but he still ran into me. There was very minor damage to my vehicle, but I was still pissed because I just got the car 3 or 4 months ago. Nobody was hurt, but it was my understanding that I should always call the police in this type of situation.
The guy first came up to me and apologized for hitting me. I surveyed the damage, which was a few minor scratches and a little dent on the front bumper, and asked of he had insurance which he replied "I don't think so but this is my mother in law's car". So I tell him I'm going to need to file a claim and get a report. I am on the phone with the cops describing where I am when he suddenly realizes who I am talking to. This is when he starts coming at me threatening to kick my ass and kill me. I am pretty fast so stepped away pretty quickly out of his reach and was ready to defend myself, all the while screaming "fuck you man" and "what the hell do you think you're doing". He says that after the cops leave he will find me and he will "always remember my face". Long story short, the guy must've had prior because they asked me to leave so they could take him into custody. I got my accident report, but now I feel as though I'm gonna have to watch my back anytime I go out in our small town. I think I did the right thing, but then again, this is my first accident.
Tldr- some guy backed into my car. I called the cops because I thought It was the right thing to do and he said he is going to find me and hurt me.
happyendin9: Another reason why law abiding citizens need to carry a firearm.
mq999: Why turn this story which had nothing to do with firearms into a pro-gun post ?
genericname1231: Why do people not have the right to protect themselves?
Why don't you perform a social experiment
Get rid of anything in your house that VAGUELY resembles a weapon and then post a sign in your yard saying
***PROUDLY GUN FREE HOUSE***
I'll wait for your name in the obits.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1408134819 | 1408137963 | t3_2do015 | t5_2to41 | 7 | youneedmyopinion: TIFU by being new to Reddit
So this actually just happened a few minutes ago. Being new to reddit, I like to stick with just a few subreddits, mainly /r/askreddit and /r/tifu. I usually just read stuff on this subreddit and just mainly comment on /r/askreddit. As fate would have it, one of my comments was gilded today (first one). I was pretty excited even though the comment got less the 10 upvotes. So I continue on going through different posts, and I see "Reddit, What's your favorite website?" And so I click on it and the first few comments are the same, www.reddit.com/4chanmeta. So being the smartass I am, I just figured I would be like "Hey guys, what about www.reddit.com/4chanmeta" to be funny, not knowing what /r/4chanmeta really is. Needless to say, I got banned less than 5 minutes later for "4chan brigading." I've tried looking up what that means and haven't reallly found anything useful. Can someone help me out and tell me what I really did wrong? And is this a permanent ban?
TL;DR Didn't pay attention to a link, got banned. Need some help.
genericname1231: I don't know why I clicked the chanmeta link -_-
Honestly, I knew what it was.. why did I do that?
youneedmyopinion: What is it exactly?
genericname1231: It's 4chan
You have to experience it to understand it.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408136233 | 1408148757 | t3_2do2f5 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Domatron97: TIFU by letting my friend make out with the chick I liked
So my fellow redditors.
As the this post suggests today/tonight I fucked up.
My best friend/brother (known him since kindergarden) and I decided to hang out with friends and go out for a drink. (Mind you I'm in Highschool and underage) . So anyways it gets to the point where it's around 3:30 am and I have a solid state of tipsy going on when my friend starts to make out with the girl I like/liked. Anyways things get a bit frisky between them and during the night there were a lot of other horny guys hitting on her and I kept shoving them away and told her I had her back. So now my fellow redditors, comes the true fuck up. My mate was meant to stay at my place, but because i have a curfew of 12:30 am we decided to stay at a friends place. So I call my father up and he's in a bit of a rage, but ultimately he lets me overnight at a friends place under the condition that i'm grounded for 3 weeks. So I say okay, why the fuck not, because the girl I like invited me to stay over. However. Now the fuck up actually comes. (Sorry for the extensive paragraph) so after a night out going to clubs/bars we head home to her place. My friend, me and her. So this is where I done fucked up. She offered for my friend to stay the night at her's too. (At this point we were sorta a package deal becaus he was meant to stay at mine) so essentially we get to her's and I'm still all confident that I might get some action, but then the girl discretely(without my friend knowing) asks me to leave. At first I look at her in disbelief, but then I say fuck it, you're not worth my time anyways. Sl I head into the guest bedroom and now they're getting it on and I can here them... Well fuck. I may have forgotten to mention that it's 4:30 in the morning, I'm tired, drunk and a furious at my friend. But I cant just peave because I have no where else to go.
Tl;DR girl I like fucks around with my best friend while i'm in the guest room and cant leave because I have no where to go. Also I took the 3 week grounding to spend a fun Night out with my "friends"
Next morning UPDATE: After waking up today to my surprise I saw my best friend lying on the mattress on the other side of the room. So after I was about to bounce my ass out of there he wakes up and I tell him I was leaving. He the. Immediately jumps up and leaves with me. I'm a guy who doesn't really hold grudges so i didn't mind. During the taxi ride I talk to him and he says that he basically had his head in her toilet bowl and that he couldn't recall that he made out with her. I totally underestimated his level of drunk haha. Anyways we're okay again. Haven't spoken to the girl and probably won't. Find myself a different girl.
i_love_you___: why did you try and fuck a girl your friend made out with and was all over all night?
That was the real fuck up. I don't know what you were expecting them to do at that point.
Domatron97: We basically, I have had a crush on this SO for a solid while and my friend knew about it. Plus as I mentioned, not in the soberest of states. Also I'm fairly sure our friendship is over
i_love_you___: ah well that was a big dick move by him then
sorry dude
Domatron97: Hah yeah thanks, I'll probs give an update when I wake up tomorrow morning :3
TheRealMcCoy95: Agreed dick move on your friends part, deffinatley not bro code.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1408137905 | 1408154920 | t3_2do5co | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by completely losing my memory
As most TIFU posts begin, this happened some time ago, and in my case it was a month. As the school year ended, I, along with every other teenager out there was looking forward to the well deserved summer break after a whole year of being vigorously butt fucked by our teachers. Unfortunately for me however, I had summer school, and that would be where my story starts. But before I continue, I must warn any future summer schoolers that taking physics is NOT, and I repeat not a very smart thing to do.
Summer school is generally not the coolest place to be in. In my experience, summer school was a mix of overly zealous students and fuckups. Not a great combination, but anyways I digress. Summer school has several breaks during the entire day, and it was during these breaks that I got to meet and make some friends. In the beginning, most kids would go outside and hang around the school, but after 3-4 days, few could be bothered to even leave their seats during break. I had a few friends in the biology class (also not a good choice) at the other end of the school, and I would sometimes find myself visiting these guys.
Now, it was by visiting the bio class that I got to meet this cute girl, lets call her "Jane". She happened to be 1 year older than me, and it turns out we went to the same school. I stopped coming over to visit after a while, because I'm a lazy person, and walking is a bit tiresome.
It was the last day of summer school, and I was waiting at my bus stop like I usually do. Now, Jane comes over with her friend and starts talking to me. After we said "hi, nice to meet you", she gave me a question harder than any of the questions on my physics tests and it left me baffled. She asked me if I still remembered her name.
I thought HARD. I might have even broken a sweat, but I could not remember. See now, I thought I was being a sneaky bastard, and I replied "well, what's MY name?". Not even a second had passed, and she was able to get it right. Well fuck. Right before our bus arrives, she told me her name, and I said, "alright, I'll remember it this time".
We got on the bus, and I happened to be one of the first people to get on, so I took the back seat, because everyone knows that those are the best seats on the bus. Now Jane's friend got on right after me, and she sat somewhere in the middle, expecting Jane to sit beside her. Jane walks up to her, and says "sorry, I'm gonna go sit with *him*". That look on her friend's face was absolutely priceless, and it soon turned into a look of wrath as she looked at me.
So Jane sits beside me, and we start talking. It was getting close to her stop, and right before she leaves, she asks if I remember her name now. My mind was completely blank like you wouldn't understand. It was so blanker than the time I was supposed to just wash my hands, but instead I brushed my teeth for dinner. Needless to say, she was quite disappointed in me, and so was I. She gets off, and tells me her name one last time, and tells me not to forget. But her friend gives me the smuggest looking grin like you wouldn't believe, knowing I fucked up my only chance.
Worst thing is, this entire time there was this 80 year old man who was sitting a bit further and had not moved a single inch the entire ride. He slowly looked at me, and shook his head. Never had I felt more defeated in my life.
tl;dr: I got to know this cute girl, couldn't remember her name no matter what, blew my chances (if i had any to begin with), got shunned by an old man on public transport
rzp: Dude, do you know her name now, or not?
LanLing: Yeah, haha how could I *possibly* forget again xD
rzp: Well then, talk to her! She seemed interested in you because she kept asking if you knew her name. You have any way to contact her?
LanLing: Added her on facebook, but idk man, she's older than me haha. I'll let you guys know if anything does happen.
TheRealMcCoy95: Yea dude talk with her! Older chicks are where its at. Like not saying milfs or anything but its nice to have a mature woman as a partner. Nothing to loose man!
LanLing: Yeah you're right! Wish me luck haha.
TheRealMcCoy95: GOOD FUCKING LUCK! I'm sure you will do fine just play it cool
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1408139009 | 1408152438 | t3_2do75l | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex while wearing a tampon
So it was about 5:00am and we were laying on his bed, both still a little drunk, and had both just woke up from a drunken nap. I was tired and wasn't thinking about how I still had a tampon in while we began to have sex. I guess since I was already wet, he was able to go inside of me without me noticing that there was a tampon in.
The sex was amazing although I did feel something I just though that it was because he was really deep inside of me.
After we were finished I got up to use the bathroom. I peed and when I stood up to flush the toilet I saw blood and was reminded that I was on my period.
That is when I started wondering if I ever took out the tampon. And of course with my luck I did not.
I tried to get it out in the bathroom and it was so deep that it felt impossible. I started to panic because I didn't know how deep it was and if I would need to get surgery or something to get it out. I know this sounds gross, but I actually gave up and I fell back asleep.
The next day, I went home and started to research if this ever happened to anyone else and found that this actually happened to a lot of girls. I finally read something on how to get it out at home, without going to a doctor, because that would be REALLY embarrassing to have to go to a doctor.
I squatted down in a position like I was going to pee, and was told by the internet to push really hard like you are going to give birth. I did this for about five minutes, and it actually did start to slide down a little. I was finally able to reach inside with my thumb and index finger and grabbed a small corner of it and pull it out.
I'm lucky that it didn't become anything serious, and lucky that I even remembered it was in me still.
Image I totally forgot and it was in me without me knowing for like a year? That thought scares me.
TIFU by wearing a tampon while having sex
CharredHam: Remember: butt sex is always an option.
xRyubuz: But what if you have a tampon in your ass?
| 3 | 9 | |
1408138794 | 1408154333 | t3_2do6tg | t5_2to41 | 7 | Yellow_Brick_Road: TIFU by taking too many laxatives.
Sorry to say but this didn't happened today. It actually happened last December around Christmas time. My boyfriend and I made plans to be in Las Vegas for Christmas since our families had decided to have Christmas a week late due to scheduling conflicts.
To my knowledge there are tons of people who get constipated right before or during a vacation, but I was never one of them. However, since it was bound to happen at least once in my life time, my bowels decided then would be a perfect time to go on hiatus. I tried drinking lots of water, eating a bunch of prunes, and taking some fiber supplements - but nothing seemed to work.
By the 2nd day of our vacation it had begun to be extremely painful. It was starting to interfere with me enjoying myself in Vegas so I had to give up and accept taking laxatives. The box instructed to take between 1 - 3 pills depending on the severity of the constipation. Now here's where I fucked up. I took 3. I probably really only needed one.
Within 20 minutes I was running to the nearest restroom. Throughout the day I was nervous to be any farther than a 2 minute walk to the bathroom. By that evening I was starting to feel better and felt more confident in being able to be farther from the bathroom so I figured there was nothing to worry about and the worst of it was behind me. But I was wrong. Oh so wrong.
After an evening of drinking and fun on the strip we went back to our hotel room, had a nice little romp between the sheets and went to sleep. I slept well through the night not expecting to wake up being covered in my own shit. It was everywhere. All over my ass cheeks, down my legs, and even some on my stomach. The bedding was ruined beyond repair and I was horrified.
I immediately started to freak out and ran to bathroom to shower off all the dried feces on me. After what felt like an eternity of scrubbing, and using all the soap we had in the hotel room, I shamefully left the bathroom to confront my boyfriend. Luckily he experienced no collateral damage, but I made him swear to never speak of it. I feel the worst about the maids who had to handle and throw away my poop stained sheets.
-----
**TL:DR;** I took 3 laxatives while on vacation. I probably should have only taken one. I ended up shitting in the hotel room bed and got my self covered in my own excrement. My boyfriend was not harmed in the process.
roytheshort: It could be worse, wasn't there a guy on here that took too few laxatives, forced it and pushed his own intestine out of his body?
Raven_Morde: I want to read this.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408125343 | 1408206823 | t3_2dnis8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU: By being helpful and "insulting an entire country".
Zazie_Lavender: not really a fuckup perse. No matter WHERE OR HOW you work in retail, you will always manage to bump into that ONE customer who you inevitably fail to please in the scramble.
captain_nippy: *every customer (had one of those days today)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408141012 | 1408194732 | t3_2doaf5 | t5_2to41 | 10 | apachestop: TIFU by hitting my head really hard.
I have a weird habit of jumping off stairs like a dumbass. I knew, in my gut, that someday, this habit would be punished by the floor, or the ceiling. This time, it just happened to be the worst place ever. I was going down to the basement, and I jumped off the stairs. The first leg went fine. The second one, not so good. I *jumped*, but wasn't looking, so I was essentially two feet up, so I basically shot up, and hit my head on the frame. My head feels dented, and I feel sick. Ugh. I know I have said this a lot here, but I am a fuxing idiot.
Error code 0xID107. Please reinstall Arch Linux.
spamonkey24: Just watch out for signs of a concussion.
apachestop: I'm fine now. Thanks
Pavl_: No, you aren't. Why risk such a serious injury because you think you're fine?
apachestop: My head dosen't hurt, I can walk in a straight line, I can hop on one foot, I don't feel nauseous, I can touch my nose with my index finger, yeah I think I'm fine. Thanks though.
Pavl_: The effects of concussion can take more than 24 hours to come on.
apachestop: 14 hours later, I am still fine.
Pavl_: So ignorant. I didn't say: "YOU'RE DEFINITELY INJURED PLEASE SEEK HELP OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE".
With injuries like that, it's ALWAYS better to get it checked, whether you think it's bad or not.
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1408128679 | 1408167250 | t3_2dnow8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | SillyGoosey: TIFU by forgetting to hit submit on a college application
Obligatory this happened a couple of months ago but I just found out about it today.
May 24th I was accepted to a college nearby as an incoming freshman. For the past few weeks I've been waiting and waiting for my roommate information. I've been so antsy to know who I'll become bros with and what hotties will be staying in the rooms nearby. Today I decided to call the residential life office because I'm supposed to move in next Saturday, and everyone else has gotten their room assignments. The call goes as follows:
Me: Hello, I was wondering if you could search for my roommates because I still haven't gotten any information on them.
ResLife: Sure, let me get right on that. What's your student number?
Me: XXXXXX
They told me they'd call me back an hour later because of holdups and what not, okay. Then they call...
ResLife: Yeah, you're not in the system. It seems that nothing was ever submitted for you to come here.
My heart skipped a few beats when she said that. I filled it all out, my mom was right there making sure I checked the "Goes to bed between 8:00 and 10:00 every night" and the "Enjoys a nice quiet room at all times" boxes. I race up to the school and head into their office. She tells me that the information was due March 31st. Apparently I had saved the information online after I was accepted but never hit the submit button. She told me that they overbooked the rooms so there are zero rooms for me to get into, and to maybe try back in a few weeks. I have since then applied for the Spring semester so I don't have to commute. What still doesn't make sense is that the housing form was due March 31st and I was accepted May 24th, so there was no possible way for me to stay on campus.
TL;DR - I was being irresponsible and forgot to hit submit on my housing application
kfgi: How do you get a student number without being a student?
celebi123: He is a student, he just didn't submit the housing forms.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408142057 | 1408142953 | t3_2doc0m | t5_2to41 | 3 | CanadianMapleBacon: TIFU by cutting my scrotum with scissors
Jarbatalapus: You couldn't even shave?
And I thought you had this one in the bag...
* [I hope I don't have to explain this to anyone](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zXDo4dL7SU)
CanadianMapleBacon: No shavers. No money. I thought it was no problem.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408141011 | 1408142348 | t3_2doaf3 | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally handing My Little Pony porn, that I drew, to a friend. [NSFW]
Just about bi-weekly, a friend of mine and I get together to work on an art project (for the record, not one related to porn). This required a lot of scanning in the very beginning, but today it started back up again for a small handful of documents. I got out my scanner, gave him the cable, and went to buy an iced tea for him while he set up.
I come back with the iced tea, he's all set up and scanning the documents. He hands me his end of the equipment, I set it up, and then...
"And you seem to have left some fanart in the scanner."
That sounded normal to me. I draw fanart from time to time. I pick it up, and then... A picture of one pony with a strapon erotically feeding another pony some cake. Okay. That's not normal. But I drew it, and I left it in my scanner, and I forgot about it for weeks until the most embarrassing moment: where it would be discovered by someone I would ever speak to again.
At least he didn't criticise my drawing ability.
EDIT: [You want it, baby, you got it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xy4FXhkm6Nw) Since this drawing exists elsewhere on the web under a different username, I'm working on a digitally remastered Reddit Edition that shouldn't be possible if I don't have the source files, for the purposes of authenticity. Stay tuned.
EDIT2: Here is [the full quality image](http://i7.minus.com/ibsNdFvvGgRXPA.png), and here is [the sane quality image](http://i.imgur.com/tVVsmHM.jpg).
f_unit: I'm kind of torn between wanting to know how one erotcally feeds cake to someone else and not wanting to know. I'm gonna go with not wanting to know.
That was nice of you to go buy your friend iced tea. Hopefully he "forgets" about the pony thing in appreciation.
Jarbatalapus: Insane balance skills, that is how.
Forgive me.
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1408139265 | 1408215085 | t3_2do7l9 | t5_2to41 | 17 | myhurtbladder: TIFU by damaging by bladder
*Leaving out certain details because I really want to remain anonymous*
A few years ago, I decided to go on an exchange program in which I would spend some time in another country, then bring back my exchange partner for the same amount of time in my country. I was so excited to get to use the language I'd been learning and have new experiences, especially because I'd been a bit sheltered as a child.
I arrive and get along nicely with the family, though most days are spent in the house, simply watching TV or playing on the computer, with a few outings here and there and a couple big trips within the country. Most drives are between 30-45 minutes, so I never had an issue with needing the bathroom in the car. I should note that before this trip I could usually go a good five hours without needing the toilet.
My exchange partner decides to spontaneously meet some friends at an amusement park and we hop in the car. About 45 minutes down the road I need to pee (I'd just had quite a lot of water, because I didn't know we'd be going anywhere that day). I figure it'll be 15 minutes tops before we get there, so I say nothing. That time passes and I start to squirm, and ask how much longer. They say it'll be another 45 minutes and I try to relax, since I've not had a problem holding it before.
Another 15 minutes pass, and it's becoming painful; afraid I might wet my pants (and therefore the car), I ask if we could stop at a restroom. Turns out there are very few public restrooms there, and it takes another 20 minutes to find a McDonalds. I'm making quite a fool of myself at this point, holding myself up off the seat to relieve pressure and making almost whimpering noises. I run in only to find there are only two single-occupancy bathrooms and both are full. 'm almost holding myself at this point. Finally, a door opens and I run in, disregarding the fact that you're supposed to put a coin in to get access. It's such a relief, and I'm even more relieved that the relief didn't occur in their car.
I leave the restroom and get back in the car, but I'm a bit embarrassed and decide I don't want to go through that at the amusement park, as well. I tell their mother that I'm feeling ill and so she drops off her child at the park (I use the restroom there once more, just in case) and we return to their house. Here, I fake cramps to explain sudden illness and eventually the mother decides that my symptoms are indicative of a UTI.
We go to the doctor's the next day and wait for a good hour (after 45 minute drive since they live in the country) in the office that doesn't contain a restroom. The doctor asks a few questions and prescribes a one-time medicine that dissolves in water and I drink it. The urine test comes back negative for UTI. I have issues the rest of the trip and resort to drinking very little.
I almost have an anxiety attack in the 15 minutes I'm not allowed to use the restroom while the plane takes off, and my mom takes me straight to the doctor when I'm home. UTI test is again negative, and I'm referred to a urologist who says I likely damaged my bladder and it could be up to a year before it's back to normal.
So, I needed the toilet every 10 minutes for a few drops of pee; it's the never ending UTI. I go back to the urologist 6 months later because nothing has changed (school is a nightmare) and he says there's nothing I can do. We try overactive bladder medications, which just make my bladder spasm (not exactly painful, but very uncomfortable) and my mom jokes that I should just be in diapers. I laugh, but then buy myself incontinence pads.
It's been a few years, and at this point it's probably largely a mental/anxiety issue, but one that has messed with my life in several ways (I've turned down many a social function, even a competitive summer program because of it). I've managed to train myself to need it only every hour if I limit fluids, though it often requires deep breathing. I still wear pads just in case, though I've never soiled one, and stop drinking fluids 2.5 hours before any event in which bathroom breaks will be limited.
Moral of the story: use bathroom as soon as humanly/socially/physically possible.
TL;DR: I waited too long before using the bathroom and now have a (possibly permanently) damaged bladder. Went from being able to hold it for 5 hours to about 1 hour on a good day.
rwfforever: Did you cause a scene running into the McDonalds and standing outside the restroom?
myhurtbladder: Not that I noticed. It was pretty busy, but no one was waiting for the bathroom. I did get an odd look from a woman who was waiting as I was leaving the restroom, but it was probably because she noticed I didn't pay for toilet. Oops! Didn't realize it was necessary.
rwfforever: Haha aw. Are you a guy or a girl? So it hasn't been any better since?
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1408143529 | 1408143813 | t3_2doeb5 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: Tifu because the holes are too close together.
Jarbatalapus: How is that a fuck-up?
maltedbacon: Because he didn't get past the wall.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408144162 | 1408166056 | t3_2dofbu | t5_2to41 | 16 | mairae: TIFU by forgetting gf's tampon (not same one as pixie)
Sharing my fuckup after i think a good 1-2 years of happening
This is somewhat familiar to /u/pixiedustt but hers brought back my own experience with tampons.
In a long distance relationship with my (at the time) GF and finally visiting her again in her country and home. During my stay in one of the heats moment we go at it. The only noticeable difference for me at the time was that she wasnt a waterslide, after a while things calm down except she freaks out because when she went to the bathroom and found/remembered the tampon (details were vague for me as well) and says she cant get it out. Being partly to blame i ask if she needed help. This is where it becomes funny. She asks for me to get it out but seeing this thing grew like 5 timesit size and became godzilla and being pushed back a bit it was basicly stuck, fingers didnt help.
Thinking it to be a smart idea we get freaking chopsticks in the hope to lodge it out of her. After about a good 20 minutes of messing about with the chopsticks inside of her it finally started to move. Luckily this enabled her to finish the removal on her own while i threw away said chopsticks.
My advice is never ever forget stuff like this and clean yourself before any kind of anal fun but thats a different story
TLDR gf forgot tampon, chopsticks removed godzilla
Incase of shitty formatting curse the tablet!
frozenanuran: Plot twist: OP didn't throw the chopsticks away and collects for later use, and to this day......
mairae: Sorry to disappoint but no twist
frozenanuran: Ah cheerio then.
frozenanuran: The fuck am I doing i'm not British.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1408136765 | 1408176598 | t3_2do3d9 | t5_2to41 | 104 | The0wnr: TIFU By Celebrating Before My Last Final Exam
Love the stories here, so I figure I may as well contribute a little. This happened about 3 months ago during college finals.
So I had two finals on the last day of that semester, one at noon and another at six. I get done with the first one without any problems, out of the classroom before 1:00. Seeing as tonight's presentation final will be the last class for quite a few of my friends before they graduate, I felt the need to have everyone out to celebrate some before our final! We had done some before-class beers before, so I thought nothing of it.
Proceed to the bar, I am obviously the first one there and decide to grab a pitcher and a burger and relax until other people showed up. By 2:00, I already have one pitcher down and have my second one coming as a couple friends show up. They order their own pitcher as I am putting down my second. You know, right now might be a good time to mention that I am very much a lightweight drinker and cannot handle alcohol extremely well, so you can probably see where this is going.
Skipping ahead, everyone shows up and it is around 3:30, and I should have taken a hint to slow down my drinking when the waitress gave me a "You sure you need another?" after I asked for a 3rd pitcher. In the middle of all this, my buddy thinks its a great idea to throw a shot of Patron into this drunken mixture, which my inebriated mind thought was a great idea as well! So, in the span of four hours, a lightweight drinker put down three pitchers of beer and a shot of tequila. Let the fun begin.....
CUE THE EMBARRASSMENT!
They drive my happy ass to class, where I am just laying there ready to pass out on the couch in the student lounge. By the time we walk into class, I'm pretty sure I had a glazed-over look in my eyes and more sweat pouring off of me than a pro athlete. Everyone in class has either figured out/been told of what I have done, so they are all giggling over my stupor. When the professor asks who would like to go first, everyone points at me. What drunken fool would say no to this challenge!? Not this one, at least! I walk up to the front of the room, plug my flash drive into the computer, type in my username and password to login, and then......proceed to puke my guts all over the front of the room. Not just a little either. AT LEAST half of what I drank that day along with whatever else felt like coming up with it. The display, keyboard, computer, front desks, everything was covered in my vomit. Needless to say, my professor asked everyone to email their presentations to him and let everyone go.
Luckily for me, my professor was really cool about the whole situation and helped cover for the alcohol side of it. A few people helped clean up, one buddy took me to his place close by to sober up, and I didn't hear anything from the school about damages or a "alcohol or drinking on property" violation. Still a stupid fuck-up on my part and extremely lucky there were no reprimands for it. However, I will be known as "that guy" for all my friends who just graduated....
TL;DR: Got really drunk before my last final and spewed my guts all over the front of the classroom, with the professor there.
Maniel: Goddamn thats funny dude. Did you pass?
The0wnr: With an A+. Like I said, really great professor!
dohdoh64: Well done m8. I wish I had teachers that great!
| 4 | 26 | |
1408146416 | 1408178332 | t3_2doipp | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing my car battery in the back seat of my car.
So, like most people here, this fuck up was about 2 years ago. A little context, I know pretty much nothing about cars, and boy do i wish i did. During a summer in college, my car battery went out. My car would make a clicking sound, showed the battery warning light, and wouldn't start. Now, I'm in a fraternity, and I automatically call my friend who knows a lot about cars, freaking out. Because I was a tutor at the time, I really needed my car. "Is it the transmission??? The alternator?? Tires??" He calmed me down, called me an idiot, and told me its probably the battery. He came over, looked at the engine, and we walked over to pep boys (our frat house was a couple blocks down, and pep boys is a car place for those who don't know). I bought a battery, overjoyed it was only $70, he installed it, and my car turned on. Awesome!! He gave me the old battery, and told me a number of car places that will dispose it for free. Cool. I'm all about being green. So i just throw that sucker in the back of my car, and when i get around to it, ill dispose of it. sounds like a plan. Well, when I threw the battery in my car, it ended up falling forward with the face of the battery (with all the positive/negative connections) on the back of my seat, pouring battery acid into my seat. My seat was a motherfucking sponge. It soaked that battery acid up like it was Johnny Walkers. I had no idea, but soon, very soon, my butt would.
A couple days later, I had a round of golf with a friend, and as I began to pick my tee, he said, laughing, "dude, I think its time for some new pants." My pants had a large hole in the butt region, and I had just bought them, so I was fucking confused. wtf. Embarrased, I got the round of golf over with as fast as possible, and went home. On the way, my ass began itching like no other. The pain just kept getting worse and worse. I called my mother, freaking out. At that point, I thought I had some super human butt juice that burns through clothing and itches like hell. I had no fucking clue what was going on. I'm itching just typing about it. What seemed to take 2394823 years, I finally got home, turned to get my sweater, and I saw it. The battery. The motherfucking evil ass battery. Even with my ineptitude with cars, I'm an academic, and have taken chem, so i know how a battery works. I looked at the back of my seat and saw how much the acid soaked it. I WAS SITTING IN ACID. The battery acid burned through my jeans, and then began burning me!
Cleaning it out of my seat literally took forever. I used baking soda and water, and the seat would bubble up as it reacted with the acid.
pretty much ruined my seat with baking soda, but i didn't care. I bought a seat cover and that was that.
I never can look at a battery without thinking about that horrid experience.
tl;dr I threw my battery in my back seat, which poured battery acid all over it, and i burned my clothes and myself for an hour not knowing why.
ThatGenericUserYT: >literally took forever
So your seat is still covered in acid?
johnnywacko: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TumbleWeedd: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1408149407 | 1408228359 | t3_2don17 | t5_2to41 | 56 | ChromeCyanide: TIFU leaving the window open with the light on
I'm now hidden under the covers in my *anti-moth cage* because every moth and it's *moth*er have found their way in and I can't do my late night redditing :-(
centralnjbill: Hopefully that cage isn't made of wool or cotton
ChromeCyanide: It's my duvet and I'm sweating like a fat kid on a treadmill under here!
TheRealMcCoy95: I hear ya man I fucking hate moths. If i could commit genocide on any culture on the planet earth. It would be moths, flapping around and shit, touching your face and spazing out. I know they where created by nature just to fuck with people like us.
AfricanSunset: I wouldn't! Imagine the rise in the population of crappy Christmas jumpers.....
TheRealMcCoy95: What are those? Don't think i have encountered such a bug in the great white north. I have heard of snow ticks way the fuck up north but thats it
AfricanSunset: They are a type of bug that hide out in shops around the November-December period, and unbeknownst to shoppers will take up residence in the basket. The may seem pretty at first sight, with their bright colours and eye catching designs, which will lead to elders (usually mothers and grandmothers) to assume they had purchased them. They will usually gift these to unsuspecting young during the festive rituals. Once they have been concealed in paper they start producing a toxin, which is released into the nervous system of the youth which makes them compulsively lie about how wonderful it is, and insist that they really wanted it over a new games console. The Jumper will bond to the skin of the youth, generally causing itchiness on the torso, for one day until the toxin wears thin and the youth places it into storage, where the Crappy Christmas Jumper will enter a deep hibernation for approximately one year. During this time, the genetically created moths will swarm in to protect the young and eat away at the very soul of the jumper, to prevent the youth from the embarrassment of being seen in public with it bonded to them.
TL/DR: I'm a little bored........
TheRealMcCoy95: Hahaha this is great!!
| 8 | 7 | |
1408150303 | 1408155900 | t3_2dooa9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | robostoph: Tifu by saying im sorry to a store clerk
So the back story. Last week I bought galaxy quest used at an fye. When I got home the disc was covered in sand and had food particals stuck to the disc. Needless to say. Shit didnt work, so much for the 100 percent guarantee. Any way the next day I drive through a huge rain storm just to return this disc with my two year old son. The manager has to do the exchange. He tells me since I bought it a used disc under a promotion deal I could only exchange it for a different used disc. I was like "why cant I just buy the new copy and pay the difference my self". Twas a no go. So I got a little heated because the film I paid for didn't work and the only other copy of the film I wanted was new. Any way he reminds me I can exchange it for a different used dvd. I lost my temper a bit. "I dont have all day to shop around your fucking store, Ill come back some other time."
So today I returned to fye to exchange my movie. Got the new copy of galaxy quest and traded the old one for something else. To my dismay it was the same guy. After the transaction I felt guilty that I lost my temper the last time so I offered and apology. "Hey man last time I was in here I said some choice words and I just wanted to say sorry.", but it wasn't enough for this guy.
"I accept your apology but you had your 2 year old with you. And that's not a good way to teach him. And your a military member. If you would have stuck around I would have called your commanding officer". Let me say I wasn't irate upon my first visit. Or loud I just swore a few times. I wasn't in uniform either but we all carry red navy fed cards and have the same haircut so its a dead give away. Even though I felt like I did the right thing. I didnt leave with the satisfaction of correcting my wrong. Instead I got lectured by some guy about the mistake I was attempting to correct. And as for my commanding officer thing. Ex military guys throw that threat around all the time to try and scare the younger generation
tellingitlikeitisyo: Fuck that douchebag. You also sound like a douchebag though. So.... Correct. You fucked up, but the apology was the only good part, not the fuckup.
TheRealMcCoy95: 2 WRONGS MAKE A RIGHT
| 3 | 2 | |
1408151458 | 1408157706 | t3_2dopul | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my oven on for 4 months
So I guess this didn't exactly happen today, rather 4 months ago and I just so happened to realize today after being home a week from summer vacation.
So it turns out I left my oven on before leaving town. It just so happens I also left a pizza (now brick of charcoal) in said oven. Now I have a burnt out oven, black soot up the side of the wall. Not sure how I fucked up so bad 4 months ago and didnt even realize it until a week of being home but TIFU
TheRealMcCoy95: I dont know what it is but i moved from a place with gas to electric and i leave my oven on all the time, never did it once with the gas oven.
TheGwolo: electric wont make you explode in the middle of the night. I find that's slightly more terrifying than just fire. Cause they both can cause a fire!
TheRealMcCoy95: Its pretty rare for a gas oven to explode actually. They sort of work like a diesel engine where a induction coil will heat up before gas will pass through the burner. If the coil doesn't heat up the gas wont pass through the burner. Still not smart to leave either on for 10 hours +
TheGwolo: You are totally right. Still-You will never ever find any way to make an electric oven to explode you to death.
TheRealMcCoy95: Challenge accepted!
| 6 | 5 | |
1408151000 | 1408207361 | t3_2dop80 | t5_2to41 | 200 | notlowthoughts: TIFU by getting my neighbor deported
TIFU, Like many of these, this happened a few days ago, but I just found out the news.
To start, I am a male who lives with my fiancé. My fiancé was home by herself and went to take our dogs out around back (we live in Chicago in an apartment complex). When she got back to our apartment she noticed her phone was missing which has been charging on the table. She quickly jumped on her computer in the bedroom to message me at work to try and call her cell. I called her cellphone, it rang and went to voicemail and I tried again and it did the same thing.
Now, I had just figured she had lost the cellphone in the apartment and that is why she was messaging me to give it a call. She explains to me that she thinks her phone was stolen. I called again and the phone was off and so we could not "find iPhone".
We end up getting the police involved with the theft and they asked us if we had any shady neighbors (we think it had to be a neighbor because their is a back door to the apartment complex that leads to the neighboring alley and that door needs a key to enter..which is why she left the back door open because it is secluded). I tell him that we have four people who live upstairs in a two bedroom apartment who I find shady.
So, the police officer asks the name of the neighbors and I go to the mailbox and write them down for him. He decides to run a background check and finds two people are not in the system at all. The police officer believes this to be them having an alias and decides to check out the situation and gives them a visit.
As you can guess from the title, these two people were not living an alias but were illegal aliens from Mexico. The cop just called me to tell me they deported two of them. This now means I have only two neighbors upstairs, who are paying double their rent, and they likely hate me.
The worst part is they never found the cellphone, none of the people living up there were criminals or had a background. They simply were just living in this country undocumented and now I sent them away and their friends hate me and I am terrified for the next 10 months I have on this lease.
UPDATE: The phone was in the couch, just kidding, still no cellphone. But, after reading the comments I felt much better and called the officer for an update.. he explained that they have not been deported, but they have been reported and the process has started for the deportation.
i_Got_Rocks: As a person who has a lot of perspective on/from illegal immigrants, I guarantee you, they don't hate you.
Most illegal immigrants are decent people who hate their situation but don't despise the people involved. Most of them despise their own governments far more than they'll ever dislike the average American. Like most Americans who just try to live honest lives without stepping on other people, they try to do the same.
Don't feel guilty, but if you think you should feel something, feel responsibility and empathy. And sharing this story exemplifies how small innocent acts, like searching for a cell phone, can affect the world and people's lives. Sharing this story in itself has its own effect, affecting other people's realities, giving them something to think about.
There will always be bad apples amongst any people, but assuming that you dealt with the worst of them will make you paranoid. Just be self-aware, but not CIA about it.
If you actually feel in danger, then do try to move; otherwise, you'll likely be okay.
WombatWithWings: Legitimate question and i'm not trying to insinuate or assume anything, but why don't they try and get citizenship? I'm not that familiar with getting here legally :-|
RekrabGrimm: It's a bitch. Most of the time you're better off just staying in the country without papers. Marriage is pretty much your only option and even then you're looking at a good 20k in legal work.
I dated a girl in the country illegally (her family brought her in when she was younger and didn't bother petitioning for her) and we looked into it. It was going to be a huge pain in the ass to get things squared away but it is possible.
QuantumFury: It took my parents 15 years to get citizenship starting off from a visa. I disapprove of illegal immigrants because just how long it takes to legally get citizenship but I believe we are long overdue of immigration reform.
Edit: added a word
VPLumbergh: "I had to go through shit, so these people should too" isn't the best way to deal with it in my opinion. No one should be forced to resort to going around the system, but its because the system is so unfriendly in the first place.
QuantumFury: Thats why I said we are long overdue of a immigration reform
VPLumbergh: Amen. Didn't mean any hostility with my statement.
QuantumFury: Didnt think it had hostility, I was clarifying just in case you thought I meant immigrantion reform as deportation reform or something. I know plenty of people who associate the two as the same.
| 9 | 22.222222 | |
1408153882 | 1408232204 | t3_2dot3x | t5_2to41 | 962 | fromnj32: TIFU by trying to be more "social".
So I'm usually shy and have a hard time talking to people. Recently I decided that I want to be more outgoing so I've been making small talk at the gym with random girls (I don't wanna seem like THAT girl who goes to the gym to hit on guys). So anyways I'm driving down a local street in NJ and stop at a red light by a church. I see three men in suits and sunglasses standing outside and immediately assume its a wedding. To be the outgoing person I'm planning on being, I say "congrats, who's the lucky one?". They all stare at me awkwardly and at this point I'm not sure if its because I am so damn good looking or what..Light turns green, I drive off thinking "weirdos" when I notice three funeral cars parked outside the church. Fuck being social.
centralnjbill: Hey, you tried...that's not easy for an introvert.
Free_Blowjobs: Yeah, I've come to just accept my introversion. (Especially after watching this [Ted Talk](http://youtu.be/c0KYU2j0TM4).)
A year ago, I moved to a new city wanting to be "more social," made a bunch of friends, and then realized that whenever I would go out with them, it wasn't because I actually wanted to; it was because I felt I had to. Like I wasn't going out because I derived enjoyment directly from hanging out with them; I derived enjoyment from being able to say I did these things, so I would feel more socially accepted by society (since extrovert=good, right?).
Eventually I realized this, and I just stopped hanging out with people when I'd rather just be at home reading a book or doing something myself. I honestly just love being by myself. Being curled up in bed reading a book or watching a show is like, literally, so much fun for me.
Of course, it's different if I'm really close to the person. I like spending time like that too. But just general social events with persons I'm not close to, or random encounters for no other reason than "being social," it's like . . . why? That's just not me.
vember_94: ^^^^please ^^^^marry ^^^^me
Free_Blowjobs: ^^^Okay, ^^^but ^^^why ^^^are ^^^we ^^^whispering?
vember_94: My bad, I was thinking out loud.
^^^^Wanted ^^^^to ^^^^try ^^^^out ^^^^small ^^^^text ^^^^too.
Free_Blowjobs: ^I ^^think ^^^writing ^^^^in ^^^small ^^text ^is ^^so ^^^much ^^^^fun.
iLikeDD: Why don't post some pics on r/gonewild? You will be an instant godness there with that name!!
Free_Blowjobs: Great idea! I'll have to find a way to hide my dick, but people probably won't notice.
iLikeDD: God I laught my ass off. Thanks for that. Well you know man post there too. But it's not really my thing.
| 10 | 96.2 | |
1408154704 | 1408341152 | t3_2dotju | t5_2to41 | 6 | soalone34: I used to do that but it got uncomfortable. Now a days I just walk around with my boner. People don't really react to it as much as you think.
NaruXHina: i never noticed guys with boners before all i do is assume its too big for their pants to hide (not hard) lol But then again that stuff kinda goes over my head...like a lot.
soalone34: Yeah, really for me what happened was one day I came home after being outside for a while and I realized I had a massive erection that I didn't even notice. I realized that people barely notice and even if they do notice it's not like it's that big a deal.
NaruXHina: haha is it normal for u to randomly get erections?
soalone34: Yes, multiple times a day. haha.
NaruXHina: o.o....lol yeah ive only seen with w/o pants on, but with pants on not so much =P
| 6 | 1 | |
1408153990 | 1408158771 | t3_2dot9a | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by wasting half my beer (and not taking a picture)
Edit for those concerned: I wasnt the one driving, calm your tits
Edit the second: tahoe drivers everywhere
Pulling into the grocery store I see some asshole in a tahoe decided to take up four spaces.
Usually im a little miffed when they do it in the back spaces but being in the front and parking like a total jackoff pushed me to not leave my beer-in-a-cup in the car (would have been a quick trip in and out), figuring that emptying it on their door handle would be a better way to dispose of the spirits.
Exiting my vehicle I'm starled by a poor mouse that met its end under a tire. Saying a brief prayer for its departed soul, I splash my tasty beverage on the door handle of this tahoe then enter the store to make my purchase of much needed wasp spray.
On my way back to the car it dawns on me that, with my new plastic bag-glove, I can deposit the exploded carcass of my parking space rodent upon the door handle of the offending tahoe (on top of my tasty beverage).
Peeling the mouse off the pavement, I do a quick head check for anyone looking to enter the tahoe, take a second to confirm that the dude-bro walking my way does not own the offending vehicle, and do my best to lovingly drape the deceased across the door handle.I then answer the passing question of "What is that" with "A dead mouse. One shouldn't park like an asshole"
Walking away, having brought maniacal laughter to a stranger, I *dont even consider capturing the moment forever* because I was just too elated with the approval of said stranger.
So today I really fucked up wasting half of that Shiner White Wing.
mynicknameisbigmac: Can we point out why you were drinking and driving. And also. You're an asshole. So congrats.
opthaconomist: The lady was driving. Do you want me to add it to make it better?
mynicknameisbigmac: Nothing could really improve this story. You're still an asshole.
opthaconomist: Fire with fire, the American way
mynicknameisbigmac: 'Merica.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1408154292 | 1408178303 | t3_2dotmz | t5_2to41 | 87 | Kancho_Ninja: TIFU and friended my mum on facebook.
I've been using FB for years now and my mum has spent the entire day going through my history, liking and commenting on every. single. damn. thing.
FML
Senecatwo: Salvation is only a block away.
Kancho_Ninja: ?
Senecatwo: My b, I'm mean you can block her. Pundemonium not intended.
Kancho_Ninja: Block her.
Ahhhh... Wow. I just don't have the heart. She's in her 70s, really sweet (think classic 50s cookie baking mum) and I finally managed to get her swapped to a smartphone. I'm hoping the shitstorm of likes/comments will die off after a few days. I hope. Give me hope?
Senecatwo: Yeaahhhhh them feels'll getcha. For future posts you don't want her to see you can just set the privacy to "Friends except..." Hope that helps!
Kancho_Ninja: That's genius! You sir, deserve gold. Unfortunately, all I have are cake and lies. But you're welcome to as much of them as you like :)
Seriously, that tip might save my future sanity.
Senecatwo: Just teach me the art of acquiring cake through lies and you'll feed me for a lifetime. Glad to be of service!
3no3: I think this may be the sub you're looking for on that front: /r/SocialEngineering
| 9 | 9.666667 | |
1408154880 | 1408209974 | t3_2douff | t5_2to41 | 6 | thegirlanon: TIFU by falling off a segway
Sooooo this happened on Tuesday and I've been in too much pain (and to many painkillers) to really do anything past couple days. I'm a mascot for my school and this week what I've been looking forward to the entire summer....MASCOT CAMP! Well, on Tuesday, the second day of camp, we are going over cheers and what to do on game day. This was my first time riding a segway and needless to say I was pretty stoked. So I do a couple rides and basically made that segway my bitch. As I'm riding the segway to get ready to practice the opening cheer I ride that thing as fast as it could go halfway the field to the football goal post. I'm going roughly 15-20 miles per hour and decide to take my turn. Now, taking a turn 20 mph is what I realized quickly not a good idea. I could feel myself losing control and knew I was going to fall, yet could do nothing to stop it. The inevitable happened and I felt myself slowly fall off the death machine. However, my foot was caught in the nook of the segway. The segway and foot went left while my body went right. I'm stuck with a sprained ankle and knee. To top it off I now have to most likely see another doctor to get a second opinion in my knee since it still has not gone down in swelling (in fact it got worse). Moral of the story; don't underestimate the power of a segway.
genericname1231: Wow.
I honestly had underestimated Segways..
That's some scary shit right there, falling at 15-20 mph
thegirlanon: Yep. Adding to my sprains I'm covered waist down in bruises and scraped up elbow. Apparently I'm the first in mascot history for our school to have to go to er for a segway related injury. Or get injured for the matter.
genericname1231: Jesus...
Well, now we can learn from this: Don't fuck around on Segways and don't take fast corners
smokinporch: He french fried'd when he should have been pizzaing. And what happens if you french fry when you should pizza? You're gonna have a bad time.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1408155256 | 1408324311 | t3_2douvt | t5_2to41 | 4 | Zackie11: TIFU by not listening to my puppy's crying
So this just happened about 10-15 minutes ago.
A little backstory: My female husky (Siberian) just a litter or puppies, 2 brown and 2 white. The puppies are just starting to walk but really just crawl.
The story: So I was inside my house doing my daily chores when all of a sudden I hear crying/yelling. I put it off because they (puppies) usually cry when their mom carries them to another place. She puts them in her mouth and holds them there while moving them, for those that don't know.
I stop hearing the crying so I think she finally stopped carrying them. I need to go outside to put medicine on my dogs ears when I only see three puppies. The mom is guiding me towards a black box we use to store things. It is put up against a wall so nothing can get behind it. But somehow behind it are two puppies, 1 brown and 1 white. I move the box to move them but one of them just has his mouth open and is not moving. He's dead... I take the other back to his mom but have to throw the other one away. And now I feel guilty for not going to check on them crying.
TL;DR: Puppies were crying, put it off. Later checked on them to find one dead because it was squished between a box and the wall.
smokinporch: Hey man. You don't throw dead things away, you Bury them. Did you throw it in the trash or? The smell is gonna be horrible, not too mention all the diseases etc that can occur around decaying corpses. Burying them isn't just so we don't have to look at them any longer, it's for hygienic and safety reasons.
Source: am professional puppy strangler
Zackie11: Well I thew it away but only because if I were to bury it the mom would most likely dog it up again. So I bagged it really well and made sure it wouldn't smell.
Edit: Well if this will help or anything, I picked the puppy up soon after it had died. So it wasn't decaying or anything yet.
smokinporch: Good thing you wrapped it up at least. For the record, The decaying process starts the instance energy stops being distrusted throughout the body, so basically in the instance of death, so within that package of yours there's one rotten dog. But by packing it in you've excluded animals that eat dead things from outside, so what you have is a carcass with an intact skin which will bloat when the bacteria in the it's stomach starts to really thrive and expels gas. Depending on the tenperature outside, its likely youve made a puppy time bomb. Fingers crossed it doesn't go off before trash pickup day !
Zackie11: Oh god, what have I done?!
smokinporch: xD it'll probably be okay tho. But yeah. We Bury shut for a reason :p
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1408145433 | 1408157763 | t3_2doh9i | t5_2to41 | 9 | tobiasy: TIFU by buying train tickets
So the other day I thought it'd be a good idea to surprise my girlfriend with a trip to Paris for her birthday. I go ahead, without consulting her, to buy two tickets for the 13th of August, a few days after her birthday. I had a really good feeling about this, and thought it was going to be awesome. It would have been. But then a couple of days later I told her to keep the 13th free... She asks why, and of course I don't say why but she tells me that the 13th is her brother's birthday and so won't be able to do anything... I say that it's fine and it wasn't a big deal. Later that day I get home and frantically start calling eurostar and Allianz travel insurance begging for a refund, but it turns out that tickets aren't refundable. What a brilliant idea that was.
TheRealMcCoy95: Sell them on a classifieds site, probably your best bet.
kingofsunsettown: Not sure how much he'll get for a couple of tickets for a train that departs the day before yesterday.
TheRealMcCoy95: Sell them to a crack head for crack the sell the crack to a hooker?
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1408155707 | 1408157913 | t3_2dovhu | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by knitting while babysitting
Yesterday, my neighbors called and asked me if I could watch their two young kids write they went out tonight. I said sure, happy for a chance to get a little pocket money. I got over to their house at 7:30. The parents left about fifteen minutes later, and I put the kids to bed at around eight. After they were all tucked in, I went downstairs to the living to play on my phone and knit.
This is where some explanation is required. First, I must explain that my phone was low on battery. Luckily, I had my charger, so I could plug it in. The problem was that the charger cord wasn't long enough to reach into the couch where I wanted to sit, so I sat on the floor behind the couch instead.
The second thing I must mention is that my knitting project involves beads. I'm not talking wooden craft beads, I'm taking tiny gold-colored glass seed beads. They're tiny. I had them contained in an empty Altoid tin, so I could carry them easily. Now that that's clear, back to the story.
So I was sitting on the floor, listening to a podcast and knitting, when I noticed something. Although the charger wire couldn't reach the couch, the headphone write could. I didn't need to be holding my phone while I listened to the podcast, so I could put it on the floor and sit on the couch with my earbuds and knit.
This is where my fuckup begins.
I turned and placed my open tin of beads onto the top of the couch back. It's a flat surface, so they wouldn't slide off. I then readied myself to move into the couch. Instead of doing what any normal person would do and unplug my phone, get on the couch, then plug it in again, I decided to climb on without unplugging. To do this, I had to climb over the couch arm while leaning over the back of the couch so my earbuds wouldn't be ripped out. However, as I was climbing over, my sleeve hit the tin of beads.
They.
Went.
Everywhere.
When I say "everywhere", you need to understand that I am not exaggerating. The house has a very open floor plan. Beads flew meters away from be before finally coming to a stop. I panicked on two levels: the first fear was that the noise of the tin hitting the floor woke the kids, the second was that I wouldn't be able to clean up all of these beads before my neighbors turned home. I didn't know how long they would be out for, and this situation would be kind of hard to explain.
I ended up spending half and hour on my hands and knees, picking up almost 200
tiny, almost-invisible beads. I used my phone flashlight to find the beads and pick them up, and I still have a feeling that I missed write a few.
soalone34: How young are the kids? Those could be chocking hazards
THE_DINOSAUR_QUEEN: They're both older than five. If they found a bead, they definitely wouldn't put it on their mouth.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408156492 | 1408171688 | t3_2dowif | t5_2to41 | 14 | bhgrove: TIFU by making a joke at work.
I've got 11 months of beard and mustache growth. I was walking along at work when I passed a guy I hadn't seen in about 5 months. He was with about 6 other people when he saw me.
He said "wow, how does your wife find your lips through that thing?" Without missing a step I said "the same way I find hers." Everyone laughed as we passed each other. About an hour later I got a call from HR asking me to come talk to them. They (a man and a woman) told me they received a complaint about my comment and while they said they didn't think there was anything overtly sexual about it they had to follow up on the complaint. I just said it was an inside joke based on my wife's amount of facial hair and nothing sexual was intended. They both laughed and said that they considered the matter closed and nothing more was to be said about it.
castle78: Who ever made the complaint needs to get their mind out of the gutter.
gr33nb3h3m0th: And the stick out of their ass. I bet they're a hoot at parties.
Bman1296: whats a party?
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1408157004 | 1408265256 | t3_2dox7b | t5_2to41 | 8,785 | ejun: TIFU by slapping my gf's ass.
Some people wanted the full story so here it goes.
Yesterday, August 15, 2014, A younger me was walking through the halls of the college about to go to my dorm when suddenly, I stumbled upon my friend (let’s call him Fred). I asked Fred if he wanted to come with me to the store to get some chocolates and flowers followed by a trip to a fancy restaurant to call my reservation later… because guess whose 2 year anniversary it was.
We get to the store and I went to the chocolate and candy section and looked at all the variety of the selections. Unaware of my fate in which will happen in a matter of 2 hours, I decided to get this fancy foreign dark chocolate which came in a nice plastic package wrapped in a bit of thin cardboard and a piece of ribbon as a finishing touch. I was gonna go all out on chocolates this year as it’s apparently a set precedent between us now. I took two of them to take one for myself to taste and eat and proceeded to head towards the flowers section. I asked the clerk for a dozen daffodils because she loves the scent of it. Me and my buddy left the store and dropped him off to his dorm and I proceeded to go to the restaurant and checked my reservation for a 6:30 dinner. All’s well and nothing could possibly go wrong on this perfect day.
I drove back to the college and visited my theatre director and saw my girlfriend talking to him about the upcoming production blah blah blah. I stepped out and saw her friends waiting there, I didn’t see them the first time. So I come out with the flowers and chocolates in my plastic bag and encountered them in the hallway. So they greet me and say the usual, “Aww, how sweet of you.” And I respond saying it’s just a pre-dinner present. My first eff-up was telling them there’s gonna be a bigger present after dinner. They laugh it off thinking it was a joke. It wasn’t. I bought some rubber from the store as well thinking I was gonna get it later.
I stepped out of the hallway for a little bit and went on like the outer area of the building and whipped out my phone. I heard a slight chatter from behind me as I put the phone in my ear, dialing my mother. The girls were about to step out of the building and didn’t know I was just outside the door (by the way the exit door doesn’t have windows on that part of the wall). I saw my gf walk out first and saw that firm buttocks of hers and lifted my left hand while my right hand was holding the presents and my phone. My left palm approached her behind and –- stop. Some background info time.
My girlfriend is easily startled. That was also another fuck-up. For four years I’ve known her and she is easily startled. A dog barking would make her jump when we’re walking or something. I shoulda known. Anyways, I was on the phone, distracted and I didn’t think that quickly. That day she was wearing short denim shorts and a white blouse-ish top and carrying her purse on her left hand. She’s also the kind of person who holds their shit and only releases the mudfall when it really has to come out, yeah you know you are one too. Back to the present.
Ftpp. My whole hand made a decently loud, “typical high-five” impact on her behind and the next thing I heard was a light squirm and the sound the movie soundbyte of a hundred ketchup bottle being squeezed empty at the same time (okay that might’ve been exaggerated). Next thing you know, there was a slice of wet chocolate cake being mushed inside her shorts and some slowly drip down on the floor. Her friends let out a huge gasp while we all stood there. My mother talking to me on the phone waiting for me to speak. I was speechless as well thinking, “What have I done.” Her legs are somewhat covered in droppings and she also just stood there frozen and looked up at the sky hoping it was a dream. About five seconds after the incident came showers of apology from my mouth while grabbing her stuff to get them of the way, her friends went in front of her asking if she was okay. She was still kind of looking up, almost crying if I remember correctly, just breathing in and out. I didn’t know what to do; I didn’t wanna be the asshole who caused the issue and not do something about it, but I also didn’t wanna get in there. Like, am I supposed to clean that up like I would clean up a baby’s diaper? So I told her, “Let’s go to the bathroom.” We were very fortuitous because there was a nearby bathroom to where we were standing and the next nearest bathroom was on the other building. I look at her and her jeans were darkened a little bit. She and her friends walked in the bathroom while I went to grab the stuff on the floor outside. This was at around 5:50 – 6:00 so that part of the building was a ghost-town. I picked up the flowers and chocolates, they were still intact and clean, and I got her stuff. I brought it inside and asked one of the girls to watch the stuff while I asked her roommate escort me to their dorm to get another pair of trousers.
We come back with another pair of underwear and brought some jeans this time as well as another top for her. The two other girls were outside the bathroom and told us that she’s there alone trying to clean it up. I asked to go in there while the other girls stood guard. I went in the lavatory and asked her if she was okay and that I brought clean clothes. I set them on the counter and gave her some privacy to clean up. I was gonna bring her a plastic bag to put the dirty clothes in there but I left the gifts in the dorm room. Another fuck-up. I asked the girls if they had any lying around, sadly none. I went outside again and called the restaurant telling them to cancel my reservation because there’s no way in hell we we’re gonna go there now. The short drive from the college to the dormitory was awkward for the five of us. No one spoke, the radio was off, and I just drove us to the girls’ dorm room. The other girls went into their own rooms and I told them I got this. We entered the dorm and she saw the chocolates and daffodils on the dresser and said, “Aww. Dark, I love it.” I was dumbfounded myself. It seems as if she just chose to forget that incident just happened.
So to those who asked, no we didn’t break-up. We slept it off and discussed between the five of us never to discuss this again (so I’m the asshole by telling the story) and plus, she’s got dirt on me too, but that’s another story that won’t be told ever. We’re going to our anniversary dinner later at 6 PM again. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. And no, I will not post pictures >:O. Thanks for reading my fuck-ups, and don’t complain because it’s not as grand as you expected it to be because you guys asked for the whole novella.
P.S. How do I indent?
**TL:DR**
Slapped my gf's ass in front of her friends. She shat herself.
edit: I'm new to this subreddit. Apparently I should save the full story and post it tomorrow. I feel welcomed :D
TheEnKrypt: So I guess you pretty much beat the crap out of her.
shmehdit: More accurately, he slapped the shit out of her.
Frooshie: Or he smacked her shitless
SHIT-NAMI: Would you have considered it a shit-nami wave of shit?
Soccadude123: Started to downvote then I saw the username.
SHIT-NAMI: I appreciate it, boss.
peeenuuus: Shit got real
hwentworth: Let's wait for OP to confirm if she gave two shits about it.
_Rodrigo_: I don't remember the last time I upvoted this much comments in a row. Well, shit.
grantc5: Same here. It's a shit tonne of comments!
CrazyKilla15: Almost a metric butt-tonne of shit
doggiechewtoy: Ok guys, time to tonne down the Shit-talk
CrazyKilla15: That was such a crappy joke.
| 14 | 627.5 | |
1408156969 | 1408158978 | t3_2dox5m | t5_2to41 | 5 | NHDraven: TIFU by having my ex's birthday on my cell phone calendar
Girlfriend has major triggers with my past. She's been diplomatic with it. Tonight we're supposed to go out together since she generally doesn't have Fridays off. She's tired and not feeling great, so I go out and pick up dinner for us at a place of her choice. We're watching a movie, we pause it while we laugh at a line in "American Hustle" (So you bought me a science oven?"). I post it on her wall on Facebook, and I switch to my phones desktop that has my calendar on it. She sees my ex's birthday, and it immediately erupts into a fight. I try to explain that google sync puts things back on my calendar at will, even when deleted, if I don't remember to delete it from every calendar location I have (Work, Gmail, Home). Doesn't matter
TL;DR: I delete ex's birthday, google sync puts it back. GF sees it and flips.
[deleted]: If she's that jealous, time to DTMFA.
NHDraven: She's usually not. Been with her 2 years, never had an issue like that before.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408158175 | 1408158976 | t3_2doyqu | t5_2to41 | 17 | ZombiePudding: TIFU By telling my SO my Reddit username.
We were sitting on the bet and I was telling her about a funny comment chain and reading certain comments to her. In one of the comments, somebody addressed me by username and it just sort of slipped out.
I'm sorry, Reddit.
jedispyder: Never ever reveal your true Reddit identity. Guess you should just go and create a new username as you can never safely post here again. I suggest /u/VampireJello.
ZombiePudding: I...I think I may take the risk.
Plus, I don't have a story behind VampireJello like I do for ZombiePudding...yet.
Senecatwo: This is the story, happening right now.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1408159194 | 1408160987 | t3_2dp032 | t5_2to41 | 13 | justsattar: TIFU by thinking socks weren't necessary
Well a few days ago I decided I would go on my 2 hour walk without socks wearing my super tight coverse. My pinky toe started hurting like crazy and seemed to absorb all the pressure from my feet from walking. So instead of walking home 10 minutes in I walked for 2 hours like a duck trying to direct the pressure to my big toe. When I went home this is how big my blister was...
http://imgur.com/dC1rRzE
PAB1256: It's like a towel, always have one. (In this case 2)
awwhelln00: This must be Thursday, I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1408157776 | 1408166695 | t3_2doy6y | t5_2to41 | 34 | AnEpiphanyTooLate: TIFU by cockblocking my parents.
This actually happened today. I got home from work and tried to open the door. It was locked, which was strange. I don't have a key, but I know people are home. My dogs are barking, I'm knocking on the door, where the fuck is everyone? Everyone is usually home watching TV by now. So I use the garage code to get in. My dad is finally downstairs, breathless and shirtless. Him being shirtless isn't unusual, but with jeans on? Odd. He also seems rather...cheery. He apologizes for not leaving the door unlocked, I told him it was ok. I go to my room, realize my sisters aren't home, my parent's bedroom door was closed, and I realize what I just did.
AsstarMcButtNugget: What does he normally wear when he's shirtless? Tuxedo pants?
AnEpiphanyTooLate: Sweatpants, shorts, underwear, something comfortable. Jeans was an odd choice for him.
spidyredneckjedi84: That's nothing. One time, was visiting the town my aunt and uncle moved to. Had texted them the week or two before I was going to visit friends in the area and was going to crash on their couch. Went out with friends for dinner after driving down to the town from full shift at work. Walked into the house, and all the lights were off, save for their back bedroom. Heard my aunt moaning and realized oh shit. Was debating what I should do when my naked uncle wandered out of his bedroom... I ducked into my cousin's empty bedroom and played naive. When he asked what I was doing there, I told him I texted them a week ago about it... Learned my lesson. Always text the day you plan on stopping, especially if you're rolling in on the night they had no kids in the house.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1408160921 | 1408197735 | t3_2dp2bh | t5_2to41 | 215 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking dirty. [NSFW]
So this actually happened a few hours ago.
To set the scene;
Being away on a trip, my SO (of 9 months) and I haven't seen each other for around two weeks. As a result we *seriously missed* each other's touch, if you catch my drift.
After I get there, we're watching this bad Nicolas Cage movie while talking, cuddling and overall having a great time seeing each other again. Basically just making up for lost time. The movie was really just background noise as we talked and caught up with each other.
Of course, eventually things get more and more heated as we realize we're alone in his place. We go to his room and start really messing around. One thing leads to another and we're doing lots of foreplay, which seemed to be amplified from not seeing each other for so long. And then of course having sex. At this point it's been so long that everything seriously feels like pure ecstasy. After maybe half an hour I decided to finish him off (both of us got off earlier due to foreplay, so naturally this took longer).
Here's the fuckup. So he rips the condom off because both of us had been making the beast with two backs for so long we were both tired as hell, and it was hot in there. So I started switching between handjob and blowjob. He was really loving it. By the time he was close to finishing, I started going a bit faster and he let out a nice loud moan. I whisper in his ear, *"You like that?"*
Immediately he recoils, laughing hysterically. He replied with *"You like that, you fucking retard?!"*
Both being on reddit a lot of the time, we both burst out laughing, abandoning all sexual efforts. We laughed so hard that we utterly and completely killed the mood and had to stop.
We continue laughing about it at every mention of the scenario.
TL;DR: Haven't seen SO in weeks, talk dirty during sexual acts, SO turns it into joke and the mood is slain in the funniest way.
PM_ME_UR_BOOTYHOLE: I'll take "Best things to say to end a blowjob" for $400 Alex.
perfect__ass: What is, "You like that, you fucking retard?"
heyjimmie: Source: http://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq
| 4 | 53.75 | |
1408158408 | 1408169365 | t3_2doz1p | t5_2to41 | 35 | Dacontrolfreek: TIFU by assuming that i was caught watching porn
As a lot of these post this didn't happen today. It happens a few years ago.
I'm a male and was about 12 at the time. I'm part of a relatively Christian family, and I had just started being active in watching porn and masturbation. At this age and given the circumstances I was very worried about being caught. So keep that in mind
I had a small group (5) of very close friends. One of then was moving away in about two weeks. So we decided to through a "going away party". All of my friends were coming over and my parents said we could bring a couple drinks each. So all of us got a monster and some Mountain Dew. After seeing how hyper we got off the monsters my mom told us to only have one Mountain Dew. This didn't settle we'll with us so we hid the soda in the "man cave" so we could have it throughout the night. So the night went fine and everyone left the next day.
After everyone left I was called down to the living room by my patents. They had a very serious look and had a special setup for them to question me. Immediately I thought they found out about my porn watching. After about 30 minutes of them trying to get me to say what I did and me resisting I finally spit out "porn?". Worst. Decision. Ever. My parents didn't know how to react and just left. I figured out by my brother they were looking for me to spit out about the hidden Dew. My parents didn't treat me the same for about a year. I also got multiple uncomfortable talks from my parents just because I didn't think through my situation.
tifu: guessed my Christian parents found out I watched porn instead of them having no clue and actually finding hidden soda.
Nohalfmeasures00: Never admit to anything
johnnywacko: This has always worked for me.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1408163886 | 1408206959 | t3_2dp60z | t5_2to41 | 7 | ParadoxPanic: TIFU by not doing the dishes
briguybriguy: I doubt it's the lack of drying and putting dishes away that got you booted for the night. Might have been the final straw maybe. Time to reanalyze priorities and expectations.
callmejenkins: Yea, did it occur to him to DRY the dishes? Or watch t.v. for the 20 minutes it takes to air-dry them? This dudes got some serious inconsideration going.
ParadoxPanic: No, I haven't done anything prior to this.
callmejenkins: You obviously did, otherwise he wouldn't have thrown you out. You also seem like a person who does shit and then doesn't realize it was inconsiderate, even when directly confronted about it...
ParadoxPanic: No I really don't think you understand, I have done nothing to make my parents angry in the past month, this came out of left field for my dad.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1408165638 | 1408456362 | t3_2dp830 | t5_2to41 | 4 | throwawaybecauseine: TIFU By Watching that Video About The Abuse from the Front Page
If you haven't seen it, it's the terrible video of this poor kid trapped in this abusive relationship. It's shocking and just messed me up a bit.
Currently, it's around 1 in the morning. I just got my internet step up due to a router problem. I decided to browse reddit, more out of habit than anything.
On the front page, I see the video show up with the title, "Crazy abusive girlfriend gets recorded in the act". Warning says it is disturbing material. It was and did.
I could barely watch the video, and in fact didn't finish.
I haven't felt this shaken by something in a long time, and the last time was for something serious in my life. But when I saw this video, and heard the people, something inside just twisted, and teared, and inverted my sense of self.
I don't know these people. I will never meet them. But I couldn't help but "empathize". And by "empathize", I mean put myself in their reality and reacting. It's a thing I unconsciously do. On lesser scale, it makes sitcoms unenjoyable for me. On this scale, it upset me so much I made a throwaway just so I could type my thoughts out to strangers on the internet.
I just feel so sad for the boy. And frustrated. He has/had to deal with this malignant presence in his life and doesn't/didn't know how to get out. I feel afraid that I might find myself in that situation. I'm afraid I may be the girl's role in this, and I doubt myself. I ask myself if I've ever been guilty of such of controlling, cruel behavior. And I know I haven't, but that's from my perspective. The girl certainly doesn't go to bed thinking she's a bad guy.
It's 1 in the morning and I had to hug my nephew who was still up just to feel better. I couldn't tell him why I needed it. I don't want to introduce this kind reality to him at 1 am.
Tonight, I fucked up because I watched something I wasn't mentally prepared for, felt the recoil, and now have to go to bed with a crystal image of such a sadness and cruelty in life.
I don't think I can do the internet for a while. Maybe I also FU by posting this. I dunno. I feel a little better now.
DatWalrusDoe: Link to video?
Maverick_1987: http://unexpectedentertainment.net/crazy-girlfriend/
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408164762 | 1408212363 | t3_2dp73j | t5_2to41 | 17 | ahoney002: TIFU by being a flirt
So, not today, about a week or so ago.
To begin with, I am a flirt. My SO is aware of this and is fine with it (to be fair, he's a flirt as well, it works out). Anybody I flirt with, both male and female, are all given very clear expectations in the beginning that this is "harmless flirting", nothing will ever come of it (I don't beat about the bush, I take appropriate expectations very seriously).
Anyway, one of my friends has a spousal unit who is a self proclaimed goofball. Always complementing people amd trying to brighten their day. Good guy and all. This particular man followed me to my car one day after work and proceeded to tell me, "I know I'm always flirting with people and complementing them to make them feel better, but in your case, I really just want to fuck your brains out. I don't know what it is about you, your hair, those eyes, your legs, that ass. I'm going to get in my car now because just telling you is about to make *something* noticeable through my shorts.... unless you'd like to notice?"
You would think I would be comfortable dealing with these types of situations given my proclivity for flirting. I'm not. I've really only had one issue with it prior to this and dude was deaf, so there was a gap in communication between us. I declined, naturally, and told him that this was not acceptable, per the expectations set previously.
I am female, given to emotional responses that are irrational, this ended with me freaking out on my SO over this, crying myself to sleep because I didn't want to go back to work the next day because of this man (he is very aggressive, and everything was said with a crazed and intent look on his face), and having a bit of an anxiety attack. (End of the month, multiple changes at work, decrease in sexual activity with the SO due to unseen circumstances all contributed)
After calming down and speaking with one of my close friends, I spoke to the man's wife and told her what happened, calmly, and let her know what I had responded with. I also let her know that if that happened again I would have to report it to HR.
My mother found out about it and is now making me take a self defense class. Hey, nat least it's free...
TL:DR Flirt with people, expectations apparently not clear, intimidated by bull dog of a man. May have inadvertently encouraged behavior, but hey, free self defense class...
[deleted]: Perhaps you should rethink how flirtatious you are. I don't wish to judge your words as you can say whatever you will, but, that is to say, so can the man who proposed you notice his penis.
Flirting as i understand it is all about sexual innuendo. Being cheerful and good willed too often is called flirting.
If you keep watering the seeds, you're bound to see some roots. Yaw'mean? Flirting is for one purpose; getting and keeping them interested. You shouldn't complain or cry when you accidentally watered some weeds to bloom. Just rip 'em out; like it sounds you've done by talking to the culprits mistress.
Hope he gets a swift knee to the sac.
HankMardewkus: See this is bullshit, right here. OP clearly stated her expectations to the people she flirted with. A dude walking up to woman, and saying "I want to fuck your brains out," should not get pushed aside as something that just happens when you flirt with people.
[deleted]: Did OP really state firmly her expectations? I feel that a married man wouldn't be so blunt if he was truly aware of the impossibility in his request. This dude didn't "just walk up" like some perverted stranger, they had engaged in flirtatious conversation previously.
HankMardewkus: Are all given very clear expectations in the beginning that this is "harmless flirting", nothing will ever come of it. That seems to me like firmly stating her expectations.
This particular man followed me to my car one day after work and proceeded to tell me, "I know I'm always flirting with people and complementing them to make them feel better, but in your case, I really just want to fuck your brains out. That sounds like a dude just walked up. Yes they flirted at previous time, but not during the encounter in question.
If I can just copy and paste from the original post, and prove your point wrong, then either you didn't read the post, or you didn't understand it properly. This was pretty obviously a dude getting the wrong idea despite her making it clear that it was not going to go anywhere, and then proceeded to make an unwanted sexual advance.
[deleted]: My posts revolve around the fact that it's impossible to make the distinction of having no desire to be intimately close, all the while flaunting your intimacy. Flirting, again, is all about stirring feelings. What does a married gal have to gain by flirting other than for a thrill? I'd agree OP's post is very clear that this dude got the wrong idea and, apparently, ignored her stated expectations. My only 'defence' for said dude is the classic, "you never know 'till you ask." I want to stress how OP should really just try and calm herself about the interaction. Even if OP wasn't flirty we can't rule out that he eventually would have made some sort of pass. More cautiously, sure. That caution evokes itself in the form of flirting. Two cautious, probing flirters make one beast with two backs.
HankMardewkus: You argument is still pretty ridiculous considering your only defence for the dude does not actually hold up in this situation. If she made it clear, like she said did, then he would not have had to ask to find out, because the expectations were made clear all ready. Also there is a difference between, asking a person politely if they are interested, and saying "I want to fuck your brains out." OP can feel however she wants about this interaction. The dude is married, he had a moral obligation not to make a pass at another woman.
[deleted]: Expectations are a skewed version of reality based on your greatest hopes. OP acknowledged she should be better at handling these situations because clearly she feels she's enabling people. It's obviously not her hope to get such a strong request of intercourse but damn if she's not also expecting it. Sure tell her to feel however she wants but in the end it's the dude who screwed up and it's he who will pay. In short, they're just words.. All that's needed to solve this is a couple more words, "dude, fuck off and don't speak to me again unless you have a reason from work. Otherwise you'll be reported for sexual harassment." WOW That was easy.
HankMardewkus: You should not have to expect such a forward advance of the sexual nature. Also this guy was on the lighter end of sexual harassment; however just telling a more aggressive person to fuck off, might not end nearly as well.
[deleted]: In my workplace I expect zero flirting. People have different thresholds of what makes them feel awkward. Flirting to some and indeed to me is light sexual harassment that I wouldn't reciprocate. In the end you either address the issue or you do it right in the pussy.
HankMardewkus: I would very much agree flirting should probably be considered sexual harassment in a workplace. However, it does not seem to be clear whether the flirting happened at work, or not.
| 11 | 1.545455 | |
1408166499 | 1408547659 | t3_2dp922 | t5_2to41 | 119 | Ignore77: TIFU by making a weed cookie without doing any research on how to actually do it
Like most stories I see on here, this happened awhile back.
I had smoked weed approximately a dozen times in my lifetime. I was a senior in college and had recently made my first purchase of my own weed (I'd thrown in a $20 at a party on several occasions). I decided that I wanted to make a weed cookie. I had taken many chemistry classes, so I thought "I'm a pretty smart guy, I can just wing it, what's the worst that can happen?? Nobody has ever OD'd on weed before!"
I proceeded to put some butter and some weed into a pan and heat them up. I don't remember how much butter I used, but in hindsight, I put waaaay too much weed in. I heated them up for awhile (I knew the chemistry behind what was going on, so I sort of knew what I was doing).
Normally, there is a process after heating that is done.. I didn't do that and just left the leafy green stuff in there. I figured "Hell, I'll just power through it".. once again thinking "what's the worst that could happen?"
I mixed the butter with some flour, sugar, an egg, brown sugar, a pinch of salt and a pinch of baking soda. Didn't use a recipe, didn't care. I popped the dough into the oven as i took a hit from the pipe I had. I was a little high, and anticipating the cookie.
8-10 minutes later, I popped the cookie out and let it cool. I broke off a chunk and ate it. Not bad. The taste was bearable, even with the leafy greens still in it. I ate the entire cookie and took another hit. I sat on the sofa and was watching tv. I sent a couple of texts to friends asking them about edibles...
The general consensus was "Hold on, you're in for a wild ride." I stepped outside for a minute and the transition hit me like a train. I had no idea how long ago I ate the cookie, but I was definitely feeling something different.
Standing outside of my apartment, apartment door still open behind me, no idea why I came outside. I was aware of every single moving thing around me.. the birds, passing cars, each individual leaf fluttering in the hot summer breeze.. I could see it all with my ears.. except for the next door neighbors who were just getting home.
"Hello Igor!" the friendly Southeast asian neighbor said. He never got my name right. My hand was on my forehead and I lowered it as a kind of salute (????) "good evening" I replied. Evening? who the fuck says that? It's 3:30 in the afternoon?.. oh well. He didn't seem to notice.
Apartment door was still open. I turned around and closed it. I reached into my pocket. Keys. Locked the door and walked down to my car. I'll go to that super huge store that everyone hates but still shops at anyway. I was in no shape to drive, I do not advise driving while under the influence of anything. I should not have gotten into my car, but I did.
I drove the 6 miles to the "megalomart". I had my sunglasses on (thank GOD) when I got out of the car. As I was walking in, I saw one of my superiors from work walking out. I didn't know him well, he was above me. He would recognize me. He could fire me. I looked at him and we both made the same friendly "nod wave" gesture to each other. NAILED IT. Awesome. Walked into the store. Another transition.
The cool air conditioning felt wonderful. I was floating. I felt like I was walking on marshmallows and that I would bounce like Neil Armstrong if I really wanted to. Then it hit me. This place is huge.... I looked at my phone. 3 new text messages... Dad... mom.... Smoker friend: "Pretty sure your high is going to last awhile. Be careful"
I started to panic, but then decided to look at fishing lures for a minute to calm myself down. I loved fishing and ESPECIALLY fishing lures as a kid, and still love fishing/lures. I did, but was still overwhelmed with the size of the store. I was also overwhelmed with... the need for food. and the need to urinate. and I feel like I haven't had anything to drink for years. I went to the bathroom and drank about a liter of water at the water fountain. Then I bailed.
Got out of that hell hole and went to get a burger. Ordered and ate one burger on the way home. Stopped for another burger from a different chain. Ate that one when I got to my apartment. It was getting dark.. 8pm... what happened to all of that time? No idea whatsoever.
I watched a few movies, still high as a kite, and fell asleep....
The next morning, my alarm went off. Still high. I had to be at work. In a pharmacy..in a megalomart (but not the one I went to the day before).... and I was still high.
The workday was relatively uneventful, thank GOD. It was Monday, which is hell day in pharmacy, but I was good at my job and (apparently) even better at it while high. I was extremely paranoid, and I found a bit of weed on my sock at one point, but overall, I was OK.
I was texting my friends during the day, and they were all shocked that I was still high. It took me 32 hours to come down completely from the high.
TL;DR: I didn't do my research and inadvertently discovered Marijuana XR
EDIT: I added the "name" to where I worked. Completely true. Kind of didn't want to add it but whatever.
MTGS: Do me a favor? Next time you're high before you go to mete out ingestible chemicals, call in sick before you fucking kill somebody.
I'm appalled that you got blazed out of your mind and went driving around. I'm even more appalled nobody has called out on this yet. That's not a 'hey I shouldn't do that, I know' type of a thing. You got behind the wheel of a gigantic bullet when you could barely remember your name. In my book, that's borderline manslaughter. It's not something you dust off and write a goddamn tifu post about.
And you work at a pharmacy! Holy shit. If you were serving fucking donuts or sucking dicks for a living I don't think I'd really care. But you're dosing medications. I think you know better than anybody that dumb mistakes...the type you make when you're high...are the type of thing that kill people in that industry. You need to seriously reevaluate your shit and start acting like an adult.
And shame on you reddit for supporting, and not chastising this behavior.
And just so you know, I'm a huge supporter of legalizing marijuana. I was a huge supporter when I lived back in Colorado and I'm ecstatic to see what happened there. If you wanna use weed, I'm 100% behind your right to choose. But I'm not a supporter of immoral, inconsiderate assholes. What you did is really low and I hope you don't do anything like that again for the safety of those AROUND you.
Edit: I've gotten a lot of responses to this post and I've tried to answer many of them below. Before you comment, I'd go check those out. That said, I want to apologize to OP for being overly aggressive. I think I'm justified in being angry about the situation, but I think that verbal abuse or anger is virtually never justified. I should have made this comment in a more civil and respectful way. Also, I want to mention again how strongly I support drug legalization and that, in fact, is where a lot of my anger came from. I'm always worried that certain attitudes towards the use of weed specifically jeopardize the larger agenda of drug legalization, which I'm a very staunch supporter of for lots of political, moral, ethical and practical reasons. For a more specific explanation of that perspective, you can see my comments below.
bashfulcity: you sound like you never got stoned in your life, mom.
mellow out man
MTGS: It's this sort of an attitude that makes legalizing weed so difficult. It's a great shame too. It upsets me on a personal level that high incarceration rates, inter and intra-state drug wars, racisim and immoral laws are all being held in place because a small subset of weed smokers are vocal about (and believe!) that responsibility should be an afterthought. I'm incredibly deeply invested in legalizing weed, but it's hard for me to cope with people who say this sort of a thing.
I mean, I don't want to derogate you or anything, but if I can ask a serious question: do you really believe it's OK to do dangerous things while under the influence of mind altering drugs? And I say this will the strongest belief that there's nothing wrong with using mind altering drugs.
If you do believe that's the case, please, for the sake of the cause, don't be vocal about it.
bashfulcity: I mean, alot of TIFU are made up and even if it's not made up. Dont work yourself up about something on the internet. Most likely youre not gonna change OPs behavior. Everyone gets stoned. It's one of the safe 'drugs', mom.
>And I say this will the strongest belief that there's nothing wrong with using mind altering drugs.
Mind Altering Drugs? Dafuq, its just weed. You sound like you wanna disagree with yourself but the teen in you is saying BE COOL. Weed is weed, I never really heard of it referred to as a mind altering drug. If you see it that way, then we probably arent talking about the same marijuanas..
MTGS: 1. For me, it's not about changing his behavior. When you see racism, you stand up to that because it's what's right. When I see someone trying to drive drunk, I would stand up to that because it's what needs to be done. It's the same with weed.
2. Look man, you can keep calling me mom, that's fine. But that's not really a reasonable way to discus the issue. But I guess if being a 'mom' means that I care about responsible drug use, then I guess it's an apt name.
3. Are you just trolling me or something? Weed is by definition a mind altering drug. That's that it does...it's a tool that's used to alter your state of mind. It doesn't staple papers together. Unless you're implying that staplers and weed are somehow tools of the same sort of class, I don't think I'm being unreasonable in saying that. I'm assuming I'm being trolled, but in the interest of helping if I can, I've attached the wiki article here...it's very obviously a psychoactive drug (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannabis_(drug))
4. Look, I'm really passionate about this issue. I really hope you change your attitude sometime in the future, but for right now, I don't think this discussion can really go anywhere unless you're actually open to discussing it. Best of luck to you (I say this sincerely).
bashfulcity: Enroll in your local D.A.R.E. if you feel passionately about it. If youre gonna stand up to something on the internet like a redditor ingesting too much weed cookie; dont quit your dayjob.
MTGS: You've actually totally misunderstood me. I'm PRO drugs (I think you may not have been reading what I was writing). DARE is about getting rid of drug use...I'm promoting *responsible* drug use and drug legalization...there's a very large difference there.
Also, I clearly said in at least 5 comments this isn't about using weed, it's primarily about impaired driving...do you support drunk driving? If not, I'm having a hard time understanding what's so difficult to grasp about my position. Here's the synopsis of a recent (Hartman & Huestis, 2012) paper that describes these effects:
>BACKGROUND: Cannabis is the most prevalent illicit drug identified in impaired drivers. The effects of cannabis on driving continue to be debated, making prosecution and legislation difficult. Historically, delays in sample collection, evaluating the inactive Δ9-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) metabolite 11-nor-9-carboxy-THC, and polydrug use have complicated epidemiologic evaluations of driver impairment after cannabis use.
>CONTENT: We review and evaluate the current literature on cannabis' effects on driving, highlighting the epidemiologic and experimental data. Epidemiologic data show that the risk of involvement in a motor vehicle accident (MVA) increases approximately 2-fold after cannabis smoking. The adjusted risk of driver culpability also increases substantially, particularly with increased blood THC concentrations. Studies that have used urine as the biological matrix have not shown an association between cannabis and crash risk. Experimental data show that drivers attempt to compensate by driving more slowly after smoking cannabis, but control deteriorates with increasing task complexity. Cannabis smoking increases lane weaving and impaired cognitive function. Critical-tracking tests, reaction times, divided-attention tasks, and lane-position variability all show cannabis-induced impairment. Despite purported tolerance in frequent smokers, complex tasks still show impairment. Combining cannabis with alcohol enhances impairment, especially lane weaving.
>SUMMARY: Differences in study designs frequently account for inconsistencies in results between studies. Participant-selection bias and confounding factors attenuate ostensible cannabis effects, but the association with MVA often retains significance. Evidence suggests recent smoking and/or blood THC concentrations 2–5 ng/mL are associated with substantial driving impairment, particularly in occasional smokers. Future cannabis-and-driving research should emphasize challenging tasks, such as divided attention, and include occasional and chronic daily cannabis smokers.
Actually, part of my job has to do with performing research regarding public policy and how information is digested (and I'm working towards integrating drug legalization into this). So...I guess I'll just keep on doing that?
Look, honestly, it's worthwhile to try and talk to people to change their behaviors about this stuff. That's because I care a lot about it. I'm sure there's something you care enough about in your life to relate and understand why I'm having this conversation.
bashfulcity: Have you ever driven drunk compared to driven high? Theres quite a difference. I mean driving drunk in my experience is very hazardous, you potentially can fall asleep on the wheel, drive *too* fast but you wont know and you dont pay attention to shit. Ive driven high many of times, Ive gotten high in the car while driving (dont recommend) but youre just aware of your surroundings, how fast youre driving and where the **fuck** the cops are at. I mean Im speaking from experience, you sound like youre reading all *your* experience from a CNN article.
If its part of your job, do some more research on your surroundings, the amount of deaths cannabis behind the wheel has tallied and all that jazz (cigarettes). [You're ridiculing OP on his mistake and calling him an idiot for putting no one in danger.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHMGCTru6yI)
MTGS: Oh I figured it out. You're 13. Now it makes sense.
bashfulcity: Get over yourself. It's been a week now.
MTGS: You're totally not even old enough to drive kid. I bet you've never even been high haha
bashfulcity: Alright, mom. Piss off.
| 13 | 9.153846 | |
1408166973 | 1408173151 | t3_2dp9j4 | t5_2to41 | 16 | RumpleMyForeskin: TIFU by speaking to my manager
I suppose a bit of backstory is necessary.
Currently, I am a contract driver for Pizza Hut. The job on average pays less than minimum wage, so when I was offered 12/hr next door at an organic grocery market I jumped at the chance, and gave my notice.
Today, I was sent on a delivery fairly far away. When I arrived at what the receipt *said* was my destination, I realized I obviously wasn't in the correct location, so I called the customer. They proceeded to tell me that they weren't anywhere near where I was, and that they were way off somewhere 10 minutes away, significantly out of our delivery range.
I deliver the pizza anyway, and go back to the store. I'm sent on two more deliveries by my manager's daughter, both of which I was given incorrect addresses for.
I return to the store fuming, and walk up to my manager. I decide getting angry wouldn't be the smartest course of action, and attempt to sound like I'm joking around (I was fairly successful at hiding my annoyance, I think.).
"Please, for the love of God take your daughter to have her hearing checked out, haha."
I put on a big smile, and look at her, waiting for a positive reaction.
My manager frowns, and looks fairly hurt, before saying:
"Why don't you go tell that to my daughter over there with her auditory dyslexia?"
At this point, my heart drops into my stomach, and I'm completely fucking lost for words. I manage to stammer out something along the lines of "oh god, I didn't know I'm so sorry", before I turn to leave.
... And nearly walk right into my soon to be boss, the owner of the store next door, who heard everything.
He didn't say anything, but holy shit.
I took my next delivery and got the hell out of there. By the time I got back, they had all gone home for the night.
TL;DR: I unknowingly insulted my current manager's daughter who has severe dyslexia in front of my soon to be boss.
[deleted]: 1) this sounds exactly like something I would do/say, in an effort to mask my annoyance, with often the same sort of results.
2) who the fuck put her in charge of the phones?!
3) I only read tifu's if they don't start with "well this didn't happen today, but..."
Sucks, bro. Totally awkward.
[deleted]: Right? that just sounds cruel.
Have hearing issues? Answer phones and record necessary details.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1408168027 | 1408209695 | t3_2dpap0 | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU By Being Stupid Teenager.
So like most TIFUs this wasn't today but yesterday.
So the yesterday me and my mate were going to hang out that night, and he was coming over to mine to just hang out play games and shit. So he texts me saying his mum isn't home from work yet and is late so she won't be able to drop him off yet. No big deal shouldn't be too long, right?
So I reply to him after he said "I don't know why she's late, she wont respond to my calls." I thought it would be funny to reply with "Thats because I'm fucking her atm" to which he responding with "very funny". A few hours later and me wondering where the fuck they are he calls me saying she was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver and thats why she was late... Fuck me.
So today I have just be sitting in my room trying to sum up the courage to call my friend and apologise again (I did last night when he called) but I feel really bad about the text and for him.
TL:DR Texted friend saying his mum is late because I was fucking her, she was late because she died.
panospatako: well...i guess your dick has the touch of death....be very careful.
Stiffed_: OP must use this power wisely!
umop_episdn_: I command OP to fuck Justin Beiber. Now.
OP^pls^deliver...
| 4 | 11 | |
1408162956 | 1408178400 | t3_2dp4uv | t5_2to41 | 5 | NotAModder: TIFU by liking a girl (DIFFERENT FROM LAST)
johnnywacko: She is whispering about me and my enormous penis.
NewBeta614: All 2 inches of it.
th3b1gr3d0n3: Can confirm... am tape measure.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1408172301 | 1408225146 | t3_2dpewd | t5_2to41 | 6 | BigPhilKnows: TIFU When I realized I was high...
Alright its a Friday night, about 1:00 Am. Just finished my busser shift at my restaurant; Oh I also had a fever that I was sweating out still. >Anyways it was a good day, made nice amount of money from my tips. Night shift I gotta do it to be able to pay for school, almost done thank the lawd.
So I was on my drive home, feels great to sit down... I'm just happy overall. I pullout my joint that I had saved for later, very nice tree... Girl Scout Cookies. I light it, and just close my eyes then let the smoke creep down. Feel like Neo just doing the well known "Matrix Move", the lean back as he dodges the bullets. The funny part is that Neo gets hit there in the leg...
https://www.youtube.com"/watch?v=ggFKLxAQBbc#t=37
Guess what? Same shit happened to me. I had a huge cough attack until I nearly barfed. Obviously it happens much faster while your driving. Took maybe like 10-12 more hits, then had another cough attack at the end. *Pauses* I look myself in the little mirror... Damn I'm high as hell. Put it out. Put it away, then finished the ride home.
Got home... "Oh shit got the munchies," closed my eyes and prayed, "please be food." Walked to the kitchen, checked the stove and what do ya know! FUCK YES. 5 chicken tenders. But wait there's more, I remember I got some new BBQ sauce I bought, that I've been dying to try. DOUBLE FUCK YES. Obviously devoured the first one, but its cool. As I start to eat the second one, I realize...
Why is there chicken tenders? Did they just do a nice gesture, of just leaving me something for no reason?... Or was it for a reason? Then I start to ponder infinite amounts of possibilities, of why would they even leave me that :o For some reason I thought it was because since me and my girlfriend have been dating for over 2 years, and we are planning on moving out by next year. So are they doing this trying to keep me here for chicken tenders? *Mind Blown*
But then I remember, I have a chicken tender in my hand still. Take a nice bite, tastes real good. I start getting advice from random different personalities, in my head, so I start getting a little impatient so I stop the chatter. I splurge out," Shut up! They just did it to be to be nice!" Everybody just looks me in the face. Silence for at least 20 seconds.They keep looking at me, I get mad again. "Who are you guys anyways?!", there's a pause. They speak in union, "We are you." Holy shit. Camera zooms out big time until its a black dot. Zooms back in really fast, realizes the tender is still in my mouth. Gotta finish it. I stop for a while, and think damn... I should write this down.
TL;DR: Got high as a kite, then got into a conversation with my self about chicken tenders.
beboshoulddie: Look im high but for god's sake don't drive ripped, its a bad idea.
smokinporch: Actually studies show that drivers high on cannabis tend to drive more carefully, something which is supported by lower rates of accidents post-legalisation in the cannabis states. :) semirelated; also in Colorado all crime dropped significantly after they legalised it. The analysis said nothing about productivity of workers though xD
beboshoulddie: At least if you have a laughing fit behind the wheel they'll find you smiling :D
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408173789 | 1408358264 | t3_2dpg9a | t5_2to41 | 12 | growaway4: TIFU by leaving my computer connected to the bluetooth speaker in the living room, while I browsed pornos for an hour from the safety of my bedroom
Title says it all. We were all hanging out in the living room listening to music. My computer was connected to my portable bluetooth speaker and I was playing albums from my iTunes. Around 1 am, after getting pretty drunk, I decide to retire to my room. So i grab my computer, turn off the music, walk into my room and close the door. Not too long after laying in bed I decide to have a fap to put me to sleep. Naturally, I grab my computer and start watching porn. At first, I keep the volume on silent so my brother and his gf, who are still in the living room don't hear anything. After awhile I get more ballsy (or maybe horny, idk) and i start turning the volume up. I notice like 4 or 5 movies in row don't have any sound. Actually, I'm slightly disappointed because there was tho one with a black dude and white chick…woulda loved some volume. but nope. Well, after about another 35 mins of browsing and casually jacking, yup, you guessed it: i remembered i never disconnected from the bluetooth speaker- and thats why none of the videos have sound. My heart dropped into my gooch. I worked up the courage to peak my head out of the door. Yup, there were still there. Wanted to cry myself to sleep… Ha! whatever I TIFU!
Teotwawki69: It's almost as if Jim Kardach and Steve Jobs got together and thought, "Okay. How can we design a system optimized for making dumbshit Apple fan boys broadcast their porn watching habits to the widest audience possible because they're too cool to actually learn how this shit works?"
Otherwise, we wouldn't have this TIFU ten times a day, every day...
nickryane: I don't think Steve Jobs invented Bluetooth or wireless audio
Teotwawki69: He didn't invent them, but he exploited the fuck out of them...
nickryane: How did he exploit the fuck out of them?
Teotwawki69: What do your devices use to communicate with each other, again?
nickryane: I don't understand how this is relevant to the original post.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1408179275 | 1408181498 | t3_2dpkrl | t5_2to41 | 9 | FlyingMonkey420: TIFU by not dubble checking plans
Okay, so word to the wise: Don't ever tag along on a cross country road/camping trip and trust that the other person just "has it covered" as far as the plans; was told a week before that "camp grounds were booked" and that we were making a pit stop in Iowa to spend Thursday night, I thought for sure at that point that the trip was all locked in stone so didn't ask anymore questions (I know my bad). So we get to Bolder at like 6pm and every camp site that I can find needs 4 days to reserve a campsite Now I'm in this fancy hotel room in Bolder,Colorado that I didn't pay for (and that kinda makes up the screw up a little better) but have not a clue where I'm going to sleep tomorrow-Sunday... I was pissed at first but Colorado has a way of mellowing people out. Good night all :)
cebubound: Dubble check your title
shane_low: OP is boulder than that, he doesn't need to.
| 3 | 3 | |
1408180498 | 1408305523 | t3_2dplmr | t5_2to41 | 9 | RachealHolland: TIFU by obsessing over a new friend
So, since meeting my new suspected friend and having no idea if we are even friends I have been a bit obsessed with them, the not knowing if we are friends is doing my head in, as based on the going bowling and how we chatted I would think we are but I just don't know. My posts on here are about said friend, this FU is that I even went so far as to text the trainer from the course to ask for their number. Widely inappropriate and of course I got no reply.
A obsessed unsure friend( I think).
JigzyFish: I noticed in your first post that you put it out there that if any of your...suspected friends...saw it, to get in touch.
I think now you kinda need to hope they don't see your posts, because to be honest, if it were me, the incessant updates and obsessing would be a huge red flag and a bit of a worry.
Just chill out, if it doesn't happen just accept it, let it go, and move on.
Good luck :)
RachealHolland: Hi there yeah thanks, your probably right I tend to read into things to much and also this person is a guy so even worse for him to read I'm just a bit of a stress head at times. Thanks for taking an interest feel free to inbox me sometime:)
BigBobsBootyBarn: Out of curiousity...how old are you?
I'm not trying to be mean or anything. It just seems like you have a little bit of that high school awkwardness to you, which you'll grow out of. Just take a deep breath and don't obsess, that is a huge turn off to most people. Even if nothing becomes of this you'll still have plenty of other chances.
RachealHolland: Hey um yeah I'm 26. That must make my seem a real idiot. I have plenty of friends though, I'm not as weird as I sound. I actually regret posting these now, I feel like a goose.
BigBobsBootyBarn: You're fine, you don't sound weird. You just sounded like you have a crush is all. We've all been there 8)
RachealHolland: Huh nah I'm in a relationship. 7 years now:)
| 7 | 1.285714 |
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