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1408175743 | 1408272954 | t3_2dphx6 | t5_2to41 | 39 | ADHD_Broductions: TIFU by accidentally becoming an illegal citizen
I am a dual citizen of the USA and Norway, primarily living in Norway. A few days ago, I filled out a visa-like form called ESTA. This is basically a visa application deal that's not really a visa. I used this so I could travel to the USA on my Norwegian passport because I wanted to move to the USA for a year or two. As it turns out, this means I am legally a citizen of the USA as well as not a citizen of the USA, and if I stay beyond the date of the return ticket (which I purchased because round trip tickets are cheaper) I may be living in the USA unlawfully, despite being a citizen.
allthegood1srgone: You're still a US citizen so you are still living there lawfully. The only unlawful part may possibly be entering the US on your Norwegian passport as US citizens (with dual nationality) are supposed to enter / leave the US using their US passport. I guess something could be flagged against your Norwegian passport though.
ADHD_Broductions: As I was told on /r/legaladvice, according to some government records I am no longer a US citizen because of the ESTA thing.
allthegood1srgone: No, you cannot give up your US citizenship just by filling in the ESTA. It takes way more than that to renounce or give up your citizenship. If you really want to make sure you will be ok, just do as others have suggested, leave the US again on your Norwegian passport and then re-enter on your US passport.
I wouldn't worry about this too much. I've been in a similar position, dual citizen, previously entered on my non-US passport then left and am now back living and working here after entering on my US passport. I'd be more concerned with the IRS (assuming you've never filed US taxes). I never filed taxes, which as as US citizen I was supposed to even though I wasn't living here at the time. Even this isn't a big issue though as they have a deal set up where you file the previous 3 years and that's it (assuming you've been paying taxes on any income in Norway).
ADHD_Broductions: I didn't mean I've renounced my citizenship, it's that some parts of the government think of me exclusively as a Norwegian citizen, and if I do suddenly pop up with a US passport, I'll be put under massive scrutiny, probably with court dates and such, and I'll probably need a lawyer (which isn't cheap).
As far as taxes go, I have yet to earn taxable income in Norway, so I'm fine.
allthegood1srgone: I really don't think it will be huge issue. Like I said I have entered and left the country on my other non-US passport before and don't have any issues now. My advice would be just to use you're US passport as ID for things going forward, i.e. Social Security No, drivers license etc. If you're really concerned leave the country within the time limit on your Norwegian passport, and then re-enter on your US one.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1408183577 | 1408187766 | t3_2dpnu4 | t5_2to41 | 44 | knackerz: TIFU by stealing cigarettes
This wasn't today but last week, me, my wife and two children were at a holiday resort in the middle east on a well earned break.
On our last night we were chatting to the workers who we now classed as friends and it soon became time to close the bar so the workers left, we still had drinks so sat outside to finish them off before bedtime.
Upon leaving we realised one of the workers had left his cigarettes on the table, on checking it was nearly a full pack and as we are smokers plus the fact the cleaners would have had them away anyway, I picked them up and we went off to our room.
Cue next day in the airport departure lounge, we go for a last cigarette before our flight and there's only one cigarette left in the pack I lifted last night so I throw it back in my hand luggage and open a fresh pack, we have a smoke and board our flight home.
We come through customs in the UK and go out of the airport to wait for our taxi, I go into my bag for a cigarette and take out the remaining one in the lifted pack, I light my cigarette, go to throw the empty box in the trash and it rattles, hmm.
I look inside and laid perfectly the size of the bottom is a block of hash.
I immediately shit myself and continue to dispose of it, scaring myself to death on the thoughts of what could have happened.
The amount of times my bag was scanned and the fact I'd been taken to one side and searched in the airport started to hit me like a ton of bricks.
Would they have believed my story?, would they fuck.
The cigarettes were the same brand as the ones I'd bought in duty free, in my suitcase I had a small hash pipe with the name of the resort we were staying at as a souvenir gift for a friend, it wouldn't have looked good.
I've no idea if the cigarettes had been cut down slightly to accommodate the hash or if they were just crammed in but neither my wife or myself noticed anything wrong so can't honestly comment on how it managed to fit in so snugly.
What I can comment on is that I certainly won't be stealing any cigarettes again, I'm still having nightmares.
TIFU by stealing cigarettes that contained drugs and innocently smuggling them from the middle east into the UK.
yamitami: Every smokers dream and you threw it away. Cool story though.
knackerz: I'm a smoker in every sense of the word, I threw it away in sheer panic, I literally had a meltdown in the airport car park with what ifs and needed it off my person asap.
StonedLizard: Damn, some hash from the middle east? That sounds like some primo shit man, I would have probably eaten it.
| 4 | 11 | |
1408187253 | 1408214219 | t3_2dpqdp | t5_2to41 | 6 | Freeqt: TIFU by choosing the white girl over the black one.
directdread23: Do thr words, racist asshole, mean anything to you? Cause they should
sniss-o-matic: And sexist!
directdread23: where do you see sexism here? not being a dick im just wondering
sniss-o-matic: The extreme focus on looks, OP clearly considers looks to be the most important thing a woman can have. Notice how that's literally all he mentioned? And how strong of an emphasis he places on the looks?
Also, "*Women are like bugs. there can be 2 male bugs the same attractiveness but the female bugs will flock to whatever male gets more females.*"
"*I know women psychology and how they work, if you date a girl that another woman thinks is less attractive than her she loses interest in you.*"
When is it ever okay to make generalizations over an entire group of people? Especially a group of people that makes up more than half of the entire human population?
When a person says "I know [insert non-white race here] people," and then makes a generalization, it's very easily seen as racist by the general public. But make generalizations about women? What sexism? *Of course all women function exactly the same in the exact same, shallow way.*
Hope my irritation at OP's overt sexism didn't totally ruin my reply.
directdread23: i admit he was ignorant, rude as fuck. however they were both girls, sexism is discriminating based off of their sex, he didn't do that.
sniss-o-matic: "Sexism:
noun
prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex."
directdread23: so you downvote me? lol nice one man
sniss-o-matic: Yeah, I thought it wasn't a very good comment.
Also, not a man.
And there is the definition of sexism, proving that OP is as much sexist as he is racist.
| 9 | 0.666667 | |
1408191838 | 1408192522 | t3_2dptux | t5_2to41 | 2 | NYCsiren: TIFU by trying to become a prostitute
StyrofoamFloater: i mean....just find older dudes with money that dont mind exchanging money for sex. I hang out with a girl who has the same attitude and she has like three older guys that she sees regularly. They pay for her apartment, her big ass TV and everything else she needs. She's extremely good looking and extremely good at talking, like super slick. so thats how she set them up for money for sex.
NYCsiren: I've had sugar daddies before, but finding the right one is hard. It's just as difficult as any other "relationship". I also wanted to see how much I could actually make RIGHT NOW with strangers just for shits and giggles. But it WAS a bad idea. I'm pretty well known in the professional industry I'm in...
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408193593 | 1408194962 | t3_2dpvdp | t5_2to41 | 12 | Jack_the_Derpo: TIFU by taking a message from a friend way too seriously.
CarefulSAINT: If you caused your friends "dreams to be crushed" and he has quit pursuing "youtube stardom" just because of your comment... yeah, it wasnt his real ambition or dream.
If youre truly passionate about something, you let nothing stop you.
If something so simple made him quit then It wasnt meant to be in the first place IMO.
Jack_the_Derpo: If you know him, you'd most likely know he is quite sensitive.
I told him i don't like VenturianTale then he proceeds to flip a table (literally)
CarefulSAINT: I understand being sensitive, but if your dreams are crushed by one comment its really not your passion.
Jack_the_Derpo: Believe it or not, sir.
I can give a screenshot right now of his post on facebook but I don't want to since I have to go really soon.
CarefulSAINT: I believe it without having to see any posts. I know people like this, but theyre typically really flaky anyway and theyll soon find another hobby. You should apologize if you feel bad though and encourage him to follow his dream if you really feel like that is what he should do.
Jack_the_Derpo: Will do! Not sure if he'll respond though.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1408192926 | 1408194744 | t3_2dpurw | t5_2to41 | 7 | ERIPPER35: TIFU by Watching Porn
So today I was watching porn and "doing my thing" but i was laying down and not really fapping. Little did I know my mom moved into the kitchen and could hear the noise, and then I heard, "What are you listening too?" I tried to play it off like nothing but couldn't. I figured my parents had known for a while and were just letting me figure stuff out on my own. Then my mom decided to inform me that she understood that it was something that men did (I didn't bring up that plenty of women did it) but that it could be addicting and now she is going to have my dad talk to me about it. Knowing my dad, a few of his friends and our neighbors will know about this soon. This is going to be very awkward when my dad gets home...
TL:DR Tried to watch porn lazily, noise was too loud and I got caught, no I have to talk to my dad about this
HeleneyesKellerears: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRogmcixV_M
ERIPPER35: Dude, I wish that was what went down, a calm sorry for the intrusion but that's not what happened, it was more of a what are you doing kind of moment
HeleneyesKellerears: I was just being funny, but yeah, that is from an old 50s sex ed movie showing the correct way to deal with the situation so that a child wouldn't be flipped out about it.
ERIPPER35: I'm not flipped out but my mom really is, she said it would bother her for a while and she just went on a run to clear her head
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1408193116 | 1408200705 | t3_2dpuxh | t5_2to41 | 13 | MannoSlimmins: TIFU by calling the police and having cops drawn weapons on an innocent man
I live in an apartment building. Recently, I was having issues with the tenant across the hall. They would be slamming their front door that is directly across from mine all day long, going to 2-3am. It was annoying, I complained to the building, nothing happened.
So, I start hearing pounding on the door. I'm fed up, I decide to go yell. Look through my peephole, and I see a guy trying to kick their door down, threatening the person inside and her young kid.
I back away from the door, grab my phone, call 911. Give them a description of the guy (Red shirt, grey shorts, and a backpack. Also, hair colour, build, etc), and the address, and a rundown of whats happening.
At this point, I'll mention I was home all day as I was waiting for a rent-to-own company to come pickup a TV we rented from them, as we had just bought a new one retail.
Anyways, 3 minutes later, I hear pounding on my door. I look through the peephole, and police are there and apologize as they got the wrong apartment (They were then banging on the door across the hall, yelling out "police"). At this moment, the guy from the rent to own appears wearing a red shirt, grey shorts, but no backpack. I go pale as one of the officers are glancing his way and I blurt out "Thats not him".
The guy starts laughing and said they know. He comes inside and said that as they were entering the building, 3 police cars and 2 undercover cars had sped in and pulled into the area, and as he matched the physical description, around the same age, and wearing similar clothes, and was in the same building, they assumed it was him. They pulled their guns and demanded her get down on the ground with his co-worker.
It got cleared up pretty quickly, but I'm dying from embarrassment from it. The guy from the rent to own laughed about it, and said he finally has a good work story.
Delts28: Not really a fuck up. Certainly not your fuck up since you did the right thing in calling the Police. As a Brit though I find it scary how quickly police in other countries are to draw guns. I'd say that's the only point where a fuck up occured and it wasn't yours.
MannoSlimmins: This is the first time I've ever seen the police draw guns. From what my landlord told me after, police have been looking for her boyfriend as he's wanted on several assault and weapons charges. So I don't think they were taking no chances.
Of course, it's heresay, and I don't know for certain. But holy hell it was scary
Ghost_Brain: I agree you didn't fuck up, you did the right thing. Mistaken identity happens, I once walked into the wrong changing rooms at the gym. A woman turned and sharply said "Jesus Christ, what are you doing here?", I explained I wasn't Jesus and walked out and into the men's changing room.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408194121 | 1408393709 | t3_2dpvv8 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by interrupting my friends parents having sex
This FU happened when I was 11, but a post about someone cockblocking their parents reminded me of it. So here's the story:
I lived across the street from a girl who was a year younger than me. She was very demanding and controlling and despite my not being comfortable to sleep over at her house one summer night, she insisted. So I pack my minnie mouse sleeping bag, grab three pairs of underwear (you can never be to prepared!), wished my family a fond farewell and headed over to her house around 8pm.
Things were going okay. She got the good spot on the couch, the good gamecube controller and the last cupcake and I let her be a bitch because I was 11 and a pushover. She was not a very good host. So around 11 her stepmom comes down stairs and tell us we need to go to bed. No biggie. I am already feeling a little homesick (when I was younger I was really clingy to my bed and needed my dog near to me be comfortable.)
We head up to her room and I (surprise!) am told I get to sleep on the floor and she will sleep in her bed. She puts on "Kicking and Screaming" despite my protests of being unable to sleep when the TV is on. She falls asleep immediately but I make it through the whole movie and am still wide awake. The TV is now a white static but I couldn't find the remote and the button wasn't working to turn it off. Great. I glance at the clock. It's almost 2. I look over at her, knocked out and snoring. I decide I need to go home so I cross the hallway to her parents door and knock quietly.
I hear a little thumping but nothing crazy. I knock again a little louder. No one answers. I press my ear to the door. Light moaning. I find this a little odd but I am hell bent on getting home and I knew that I needed to let them know so they don't think I was kidnapped. I knock again, louder. The bed squeaks. I call out, "Um, can I go home?"
The moaning, grunting, thumping, squeaking, it all stops immediately. Muffled voices: (NOTE: This is close to what they said but it's been 7 years since it happened and I could barely hear them then, but this is my best guess)
Stepmom: I thought the girls were asleep?
Dad: So did I.
Stepmom: Do you think she can hear us?? Go see what she wants! I'm completely naked!
I hear another grunt and her dad opens the door, boxers crooked and an open robe, his big hairy chest directly in my face. He called my mom and walked me across the street.
I kind of knew what they were doing but it wasn't until a few years later it finally hit me fully and then I accepted that they were havin a good time doin the hanky panky and I was a little shithead for interrupting them. I shoulda just sucked it up and waited till morning.
tl;dr: I wanted to go home from a sleepover and friends parents were doin the deed, but I was desperate so I kept knockin until they stopped.
HiiiFiii: Did you ever end up banging that bossy chick?
[deleted]: well I'm a girl that doesn't swing that way so no! plus she was pretty fat when we were little :)
[deleted]: Bitchy, bossy, fat girl.....sounds like karma has already hit her. She will go far in life.
[deleted]: well she is surprisingly hot now :( I guess karma doesn't work on everyone
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1408195145 | 1408199817 | t3_2dpwvo | t5_2to41 | 1 | Phantomdarkkid: TIFU By Getting High in School
Kespatcho: Why didn't you tell the guy to phone your dad if he was so close?
Phantomdarkkid: Because i was high as hell and didn't fully comprehend the situation
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1408198834 | 1408209581 | t3_2dq0wz | t5_2to41 | 12 | Pedagonia: TIFU by shitting at my friends house
As with most TIFU stories mine did not happen today, it actually happened when I was maybe around 11 years old. As a young kid i always took the meanest dumps there was and I had a reputation at my friends house for clogging the toilet. Whenever this would happen i would awkwardly tell his dad that I clogged the toilet and he would have to go unclog it. This happened maybe 5 times before. One day there was a birthday party at his house and I had to poop. I did my business and of course clogged the toilet. Afraid to tell Steve (the father) again that I clogged the toilet, especially in front of other people, I panicked. I looked around for the plunger but it was not in the bathroom. Here is where the FU part comes in... I took some toilet paper, rolled it around my hand and proceeded to pick up the log that was my shit. I held it in my hand and squeezed the poop between my index and thumb to cut it in half. I flushed half of the poop while still holding the other half in my hand. Once that half of the poop flushed, i dropped the other half in and flushed that half... All to avoid the embarrassment of telling Steve.
Transhumanist_Shibe: How is this a fuckup? I would have done the exact same thing bro.
Pedagonia: It's good to know I'm not alone
| 3 | 4 | |
1408171304 | 1408200578 | t3_2dpdz7 | t5_2to41 | 2 | RachealHolland: TIFU with my suspected new friend
smokinporch: Yeah u shoulda asked for their number and yes you r socially awkward hehe. Used to be too myself. Do some drugs and you'll be better :)
smokinporch: Oh and don't care so much. There are 6 bill ppl on this planet, rejection of friendship from ONE of them ain't the end of the world, so go for it. ; ) #yolo
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408177607 | 1408219821 | t3_2dpjg9 | t5_2to41 | 27 | Telletubbe: TIFU by going to the gas station high.
So, this happened a few hours ago. I got stoned, had some great high cowgirl sex with my boyfriend. Then decided we were hungry. We go to the gas station.
At the gas station I got a drink no big deal. Then I decided I wanted a doughnut. So I go to the doughnut thing. And I try to open it. I sit there for a minute pulling on this circular gold thing thinking what the fuck. I look over a half a foot and see that I was pulling on the thing that held the cabinet together, not the handle. I see some guy laughing at the corner of my eye, and he's taking a video of my high ass.
So if you see any videos of some retarded stoned girl trying to get a doughnut, that's me.
TL;DR: got stoned, tried to get a dough but and couldn't see the handle.
directdread23: You have a legal right to have.him delete that video...and should have. Ive been going.out in public stoned everyday for over 3 years. I dont get why this shit happens.
[deleted]: This is not correct. That would be the equivalent of asking them to delete the security footage from the gas station because you don't want to be filmed. While in a public place, anyone has the right to film anyone else without consent.
directdread23: no it wouldn't, a business can put up cameras for their own safety and to make sure their customers are safe, some douche pulling out a phone and recording you is different.
bdenzer: Well you better let all the celeberties know - All they have to do is say the word and people will stop recording them?... If they had only known this sooner...
JeffersonCassette: If they make a commercial for donuts and have the footage of this stoned chick struggling to get them ... then yes that is illegal.
If you go into public then your rights to privacy are virtually suspended, except in fitting rooms and bathrooms.
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1408204706 | 1408248524 | t3_2dq8ie | t5_2to41 | 255 | BootyMcBooterson: TIFU By Snapchatting my Co-Worker my Penis.
I was having some fun with the girlfriend, accidentally sent the snap to my co-worker.
I drew a Santa hat on the head.
Vstar3: Male or female coworker? And did you get a response?
BootyMcBooterson: Female, she didn't respond or message me today.
Striderrs: Please tell me you at least attempted to explain that it was meant for your girlfriend, and that you're incredibly embarrassed and incredibly sorry.
BootyMcBooterson: Absolutely. I sent her messages begging with her not to open it. I don't think they worked.
Striderrs: Well at least you tried. Hopefully she doesn't take it to HR or something.
cockassFAG: Can't really "take it" to HR, unless she managed to screenshot it.
BootyMcBooterson: Well, I don't know if she did or not. I deleted the account before I could find out. I'm praying she just clicked it, freaked out and then let it expire and is going to just drop it.
cockassFAG: Buddy, there's almost no way she had her wits about her enough to cap it. Don't worry
If she capped it it means she looked at it again which means she had a thing for you. Which can be awkward depending on the situation. Good luck
| 9 | 28.333333 | |
1408204715 | 1408212538 | t3_2dq8iz | t5_2to41 | 18 | self_made_human: TIFU By showing my parents lesbian porn.
Context: I live in India, a country where an uninterrupted power supply is still more of a luxury than the norm.
I was beating the meat in the quiet comfort of the bathroom adjacent to my parents' bedroom, when the lights called it quits. I immediately stumbled out, and kept my phone's screen on to light my way. I made my way to my living room. where my family was having dinner early, and when they asked me to illuminate them too, I happily did so. However, I soon noticed them glancing awkwardly towards me, and reddened when I realized that chrome was still open to my last page, which had Malena Morgan sucking the tits off another girl. Needless to say, dinner was kinda awkward :'/
soalone34: Maintain your dominance and continue beating your meat at the dinner table. Then finish on your plate.
JigzyFish: *Finish on their plate.
ieatbabies1: This guy
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1408204468 | 1408271056 | t3_2dq86h | t5_2to41 | 6 | AndrewU: TIFU by befriending a puppy
So about two years ago I wanted a puppy for my college apartment and the opportunity to get one came up and I jumped at it. Long story short, some books were ripped and some homework/notes were eaten(serious) and I realized I was in over my head and she would be better off at home. Fast-forward 2 years and my sister's bf is seemingly heading down the same path with his puppy Dexter but his parents stopped him and are keeping Dexter at home.
So Dexter and Dahlia have become like sister and brother. Dexter has been coming over all summer and now that my sister and her bf have gone to school, Dexter has not been over much. Last night my dad was instructed to pick Dexter up and come over so he and Dahlia could play. Dexter has never been my biggest fan but we get along when he wants to play or eat. Last night Dexter has seemed to finally start to want to be friends and this morning we were on great terms, he was even excited I finally woke up! I take the dogs outside to play and do their business, bring them back inside, and go to the gym not worried at all since my mom was home.
Upon returning home from my workout is when I realized I fucked up. I go room to room looking for the dogs but realize my dad must have taken them for a walk. I then see shreds of something on my bedroom floor and immediately know Dexter was chewing something in my room. I didn't know what it was until I noticed a single shoe not paired. I look straight down and sure as shit there was my other [shoe chewed and torn](http://i.imgur.com/eNejjY5). I had gotten these shoes, Clarks Norwin Vibe, for my birthday a few weeks ago they had become my favorite pair. It was when I was texting my sisters about the situation that I realized Dexter had planned this the night before and pretended to befriend me to fuck me the next morning, the day I would be going back to school myself. I would expect, and accept, a plan so evil from a cat but not from a puppy. God damnit Dexter. Why?!
johnnywacko: ROFL I read the title as 'beheading a puppy'.
GiardiaMD: Omg I did too!!! Too weird
| 3 | 2 | |
1408206367 | 1408207769 | t3_2dqaxj | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying 'Hi'.
Life is hard being a socially awkward teenager.
I work at a restaurant, and there is this one girl I kinda like. We work different jobs there, but I do sometimes run into her in the back office. I barely talk to my colleagues, but I wanted to change this. So today, I was getting out of work, when she walks in to the back office. I tried to say hi, but I did not have something to drink during the last 3 hours of my shift, so all that came out was a sound similar to the sound an old man makes after running 10 miles. She looked at me kinda weird, and we had a stare-off for like 3 seconds, until she decided to leave. I walked to the exit just behind her, until I realized I had forgotten something. She must think I'm a fucking creep now... Thanks throat..
TL;DR : Tried to say hi, seemed like a goddamn creep
Transhumanist_Shibe: Maybe you **are** a "goddamn creep"?
NcDE: Shit.
Vehopsiraptor: Indeed.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408205856 | 1408222613 | t3_2dqa7t | t5_2to41 | 164 | xanderbelly: TIFU by taunting a squirrel
Beautiful blue sky summer day here in Chicago. Wife and kids out of the house, got me some rare quiet time. Went out to relax in my comfy fold up chair in the shade of the large water oak tree in our backyard. After a few minutes I hear skittering, and leaning my head back, I open my eyes to find a squirrel who lives in said tree ten feet above me, latched onto to the bark upside-down, giving me a stare-down.
Clearly he desired to descend but was wary of my positioning at the base of the tree. Giving him a "hail, fellow, and well met," I then proceeded to ignore him, and closed my eyes again.
A few minutes later I hear something hit the grass to the left of me. And again, this time to the right. I open my eyes and a six inch long piece of bark thwacks the ground right next to my chair.
I look up and this little fella climbed back up a limb and is now dropping this shit on me! He's scraping bark off and firing down little twigs and such. Now, I know these little guys do this because I've been hit by acorns while beneath other trees, and always wondered if they did this on purpose or it was purely coincidence - but I can now tell you with a high degree of confidence, they are smart, and it's no accident.
So I just look up at this guy, as stuff is spiraling down around me, yet continuously missing my corporeal form by a foot or so, and I yell "Missed me! Nice try!" Another stick comes down. Gave my best Nelson "Ha-Ha!", followed by "Better luck next time, loser!"
He eventually stops, so I close my eyes and lean my head back to resume my peace and quiet. Not two minutes later, I feel a raindrop on my arm, out of the clear blue sky.
I open my eyes, confused, only to see this preparatory droplet followed by long, distended drops of follow-up liquid coming down right for me. I jump out of the chair and curse as the stream spatters all over my beloved butt-hammock of peace and quiet.
The little fucker had climbed fifteen feet higher, to a branch which was more inline with my position, to unleash his unholy river directly upon me.
Shaking my head, I go inside to towel off, the respect I have for this feat outweighing annoyance. I had to admit it. He won today.
gtakiller0914: Assert your dominance. Find his nuts and pee on them.
Kenseilon: I think it's too late for that. The squirrel has already asserted dominance by pissing in OP's face.
I guess OP could try to piss on the squirrel as a form of retaliation to restore his honour, but I doubt he can spray it 15 feet or so up in the air, and depending on how the wind blows...
Inb4 "TIFU by pissing on myself by accident."
vastila: Anyone knows what the record is for that?
| 4 | 41 | |
1408207128 | 1408212351 | t3_2dqbzu | t5_2to41 | 403 | thorium007: TIFU - Is Shaturday a real thing? If so I have a TIFU involving barium.
Some years ago, I had to go through a battery of tests so that I could officially be diagnosed with Celiac disease. I already knew I had it, but the doctor wanted to be sure.
One of these tests involved a barium enema.
This is the story of what is perhaps the worst day of work in my life.
For those in the audience that have been fortunate to have avoided one of these, I will try to give you a short rundown(no pun intended)
They give you some pills and a giant jug of horrific shit to drink. I think mine was about 1.5 gallons of heavy duty laxatives. This stuff cleans you out like nothing you would believe. When I head to "The Office" I generally do a little redditing or play a little bit of Candy Crush.
This stuff will make you burn through your battery on your phone between the two. Sadly this was before reddit or Candy Crush. I think I may have had Snake and that was it.
It is brutal. I have never shit like that in my life. Food poisoning doesn't even come close. It is that bad.
So finally I'm done violating any and every bathroom I come near and it is time for my barium enema.
A beautiful woman comes out and had me strip down to nothing and gave me a hospital gown and nothing else. I learned why later.
I step out into the laboratory area... er viewing room... er torture chamber to begin the procedure.
The beautiful nurse introduces her partner in crime, Helga. I wish I was joking but that really was her name. She looked a lot like Broomhilde from Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Nice enough woman until she grabbed *the hose*.
This hose was connected to a jug that looked like a Clorox Bleach jug, that was upside down with some sort of pump. She put her left hand on my chest and said "This might be a bit uncom...." and suddenly I had a hose in my ass.
She wasn't even kind enough to give me a 3... 2... 1... countdown.
So here I am, all but naked in a viewing room with a large window with three or four folks watching. As a giant Viking woman strikes my colon with what feels like a firehose. Little did I know the worst was yet to come.
Suddenly some sort of pumping machine comes to life as I feel my colon become cold. And filled. I don't know how else to describe it. It was one of the more disturbing things I've experienced in my life. And it kept pumping and filling. I don't know how much of that stuff was pumped inside me, but I'm pretty sure they refilled the jug at least once. I'm standing there, looking at this window like a puppy wanting a forever home and an evil X-Ray machine taking pictures every once in a while.
I wish I could say I blacked out at this point, but I don't think I did. I think my brain just quit processing requests to save data to my internal solid state drive.
The next thing I remember is Broomhilde coming up and not even whispering sweet nothings into my ear while she pulled this hose with an engorged end out of my asshole spewing this white liquid out of my ass while I puckered as hard as I could.
I *vaguely* remember her saying something about "Make sure you get *all* of it out - and I mean **ALL** of it out when you get to the bathroom. I've never done the penguin waddle so fast in my life. One might hope that was the worst of the story, but alas - it was not.
Having consumed so many laxatives over the past few days, I though I had the practice down to an art. I was wrong. So very *very* wrong. I thought I'd shit enough for four grown men after that violation. I had thought wrong.
Fast forward a couple of days. I can sit normally again, Broomhilde barely a thought in my mind. I realize, I hadn't visited the can.
No biggie, I'd done enough to the sewer bill for the month as it was.
A few more days - still nothing.
Day nine - still nothing, but my guts are killing me. So I grab some over the counter laxatives. I figured that all the meds had killed my gut flora and it just needed a nudge.
Day 12. Still nothing but gut wrenching pain. This was some sort of diabolical torture that Broomhilde had decided to impart on me. Maybe she had expected an erection at our minimal foreplay session?
Day 15. I am ready to die. I have consumed no less than two boxes of laxatives and still no progress on the western front... Wait - something is happening. Could it be? Could we be ready to break the lines? I hustle to my "Other office" and finally - to my relief the torture is ended.
An unexpected fury of hell explodes out of my ass with a pain I have never experienced in my life. And a pleasure that only a few on this earth have ever had.
An unknown amount of time passes and I am finally done. The sweat finally abating and my heart rate finally back to normal, I clean up and flush. But something remains as I watch the victim being released to the sea. Three small balls that resemble concrete. They had not been there before I sat down.
I flush again, and yet they remain. I flush again and wash my hands - and yet they remain. I try again to no avail. I decide that I have had enough defeat and I head back to my cube to return to work, a bit worse for wear, but feeling much better. I dare say I have a bit of skip to my step. Not [Gene Kelly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmCpOKtN8ME) dancing, but I'm feeling soooooo much better.
I get settled in and get back to work when my stomach warns me of round number two. I figured after the torrent that was just unleashed, I was safe. And ~~is~~ was customary in our office I decided to cropdust one of the guys I work with.
Except this was no crop dusting.
This was shit down your pants and ruin your shoes bad. There was no dusting involved. I did a 180, told my guys I'd see them later, grabbed my coat and I was gone. I had literally shit myself so bad I ruined a pair of shoes. And I had to walk out of the office, in the farthest back corner on the top floor all the way outside.
I had also forgotten how cold it was outside. Bitter cold doesn't describe it unless you are from Wyoming or Canada. I remember getting into my truck and the thermometer saying it was -23ºF. By the time I made it to my truck my running shit had frozen my pant leg solid. I'm pretty sure I heard some cracking as I sat in the seat Which was bad but at least I had a towel in my back seat.
I left the office and headed home. But the worst part of the trip had just hit my olfactory system as the truck warmed up. I had to spend the rest of my commute on the way home in a vehicle, with melted shit running down my leg and the heater only making things worse and blowing it back up into my face.
**TL;DR** If you *ever* have a barium enema, make sure you get all of that shit out. And I mean *all* of it. Then hang out for a few more minutes to get the rest out.
BigBobsBootyBarn: That was uh...enlightening.
So the barium solidifies if you don't get it all out?
thorium007: Very long and painful story short - yes. Yes it does. It is like concrete in your asshole.
In all honesty, I probably should have gone to the doc or ER before things hit the level they did.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Well bud, shit happens. At least you can laugh about it now!
blissymaster: Nice pun!
| 5 | 80.6 | |
1408207415 | 1408214391 | t3_2dqcds | t5_2to41 | 90 | Transhumanist_Shibe: TIFU by sending my teacher the Navy SEAL copypasta
I was joking around with my friend on le facebook and he jokingly insulted me so I wanted to send him the navy seal copypasta because he'd probably never seen it before. But in the chat bar thing I accidentally clicked the name right under him (my math teacher) and hit ctrl + v and enter so quickly that I didn't even realize what I did.
TL;DR: I sent my math teacher this: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
Jarbatalapus: What the fuck did you just fucking lie to the class about, you stupid teacher? I’ll have you know Christopher Colombus did NOT discover the new land, and Native Americans are NOT Indians. I have over 300 confirmed A plusses, so do not try to discredit me. I am equipped with a Smartphone, and I can prove anything you say wrong with a simple Google search. You are nothing to me but a boring spreader of lies. I will get you fucking fired with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this district, I swear to Scott Walker. You think you can get away with teaching bullshit to my class? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting the principal, and my secret teem of troublemakers across the school, and they will cover the back of your head with spitballs, so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your job. You’re fucking fired, teach. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can disrupt class in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my vocal chords. Not only am I extensively trained in bullshit detection, but I have access to entire schools database, and I will use it to its full extent to make your employee record look like garbage, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “seminar” lecturewas about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking ruler. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit insults all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, teach.
RationalRetard: This is beyond perfect.
Jarbatalapus: What kind of fucking logical fallacy did you just shove in front of my face, you unphilosophical twit? I'll have you know, perfect implies a state of perfection, where nothing can be improved, or there is no flaws. I am the lead definer in the American Committee Of Dictionary Writing, and I have defined over 300 different words. You think you can make a statement that contradicts itself like that? Try writing that again, fool. As we type, I am contacting my entire team of Grammar Nazis, and they will tear you down by constantly correcting and belittling you, spellcheck my fucking words. So, you better prepare for the grammar lesson, fool. The lesson that finally shows you how to speak in proper English, and ends the illiterate little thing you call a brain. You should of looked in a dictionary, or at least thought twice before placing such an insult upon the English language. But, you didn't, you couldn't, and now you have to listen to my hour long seminar ranting that teaches fools like you how to write properly. You're fucking illiterate, buddy.
Jarbatalapus: I didn't even use a template for that one, I went completely by memory.
RationalRetard: Who would down vote this!?
I never new the versatility of the SEAL copypasta.
Jarbatalapus: Reddit sometimes turns into...
* Downvote because I disagree
* Downvote for no reason
* Downvote because spelling error
* Downvote because I just don't like it
* Downvote because it is the truth
RationalRetard: Indeed.
| 8 | 11.25 | |
1408208194 | 1408273837 | t3_2dqdhv | t5_2to41 | 5,844 | the_dead_icarus: TIFU by scaring my GF while she was cupping my balls.
We were laying in bed, post coitus, watching The Crazies and she has her hand resting on my junk. During the car wash scene I decided to scare her when a crazy smashes the car window, a bad bad move on my part. She jumped and squished my balls in her hand at the same time. I fucked up, boy did I fuck up.
itsjustnes: hahaha. and then you got that moment when she covers her mouth with her hand and stares at you wide.
"ohmygodiamsosorry!"
while you roll in agony but still say "its fine" through swearwords.
i can see it now. hahaha.
the_dead_icarus: I didn't get any "I'm sorry", she cracked up laughing. You are correct with the agony and swear words though.
MR_MADMONEY_305: Just be glad it was her hand cupping your balls and not her mouth.
ilikeeatingbrains: What a strange way to watch a movie
xyonofcalhoun: The best way
ilikeeatingbrains: i guess it's like heated seats for your junk
catsrule362: Yeah, warm, moist, orgasmic seats.
atlamarksman: William Shatner comments over here
PM_YOURSELF_MY_TITS: Nah, Shatner would've put a comment between orgasmic and seats too.
Money_Pockets: Comma...
nuker1110: He knows what he said.
Money_Pockets: No he didn't. Read his comment after mine.
ilikeeatingbrains: No!
| 14 | 417.428571 | |
1408208942 | 1408311697 | t3_2dqel0 | t5_2to41 | 68 | DuuddeLove: TIFU A poop story: The time i publicly pooped myself in the airforce
Back in the day, I used to be a firefighter in the air force and I was going through my tech school when my little shit storm occurred. We went to our tech school from 5 am to about 3 but we had around a 2 hour lunch more often than not. During our lunch break we could either go eat lunch at the chow hall like normal people or we could go to this little clubhouse building and take naps and watch movies. Contrary to popular belief the chow hall food is actually pretty good (except for their eggs , those were always disgusting. Always liquefied shit that came in a carton ) . There was always a lengthy line at the chow hall and it was quite a walk away so you either ate there or went straight to the clubhouse unless you got released super fucking early. The combination of me being a lazy fuck and the exhausting work we did , I chose to go take nap very often. For a period of three weeks or so I took these chemically mutated packaged sandwiches from the chow hall and ate nothing else for lunch. As the days went by I started taking shits much more than normal humans are supposed to but I still didn't heed the warning signs my body was giving me. One unfortunate morning , I woke up a wee bit late and immediately began to put on my uniform fast as fuck . I soon kick my door open with while attempting to finish buttoning everything , as I get outiside I notice my boots are untied so I bend down to tie them and that's when shit hit the fan( pun intended). As soon as bent down my insides erupted and my poop came out like a cannon . It was the wet explosive sludgy kind which made it so much worse. The actual farting sound itself was so thunderous it was heard across the street . This was the first time I had shit myself since I was a baby and I was in shock because it was all so sudden.. the people across the street were laughing there Ass off but lucky for me it was pitch black outside so they couldn't really see me and maybe they just assumed it was just a fart but who knows I could feel the liquid poop oozing down my leg slowly and I began to smell it , then it it me I had just shit my pants. I just sat there crouched over for 20 seconds or so while poop kept raining down into my socks . One of the guys across the street yelled if I was okay , then I quickly snapped back to my senses and yelled yeah I'm good. I miserably stood up and trudged back toward the dorm building. At the front lobby of every dorm building is a desk with a few people who supervise the dorm . I walked into the building reeking of my own poop and basically walked with my shit stained pants towards the wall so maybe they wouldn't noticed . I was past the desk area with no problems but I was on the first floor down a hallway that they could still clearly see down so I walked awkwardly away from them to my dorm. It looked like butters from south park trying to moon walk very badly. I finally reach my dorm and rushed into my bathroom to assess how bad the damage really was. When I secure myself in the bathroom and turn on the light , I saw it was so much worse than I imagined. My entire backside of my uniform was a shit stained brown , I couldn't even pretend it was something else. You just looked and knew that guy just shit his pants. Immediately I undress and from there it was only worse . My grey boxers were a drippy brown and half the skin on my legs were brown too. I attempt to throw leftover poop from my boxers into the toilet only it splashed every where on the toilet and the floor. That made me a little angry so I took all my poop clothes and threw them into my garbage. I cleaned the poop stains like consquela for a few minutes and hopped into my shower. As the water was washing away my shit , I actually started to laugh from the disbelief that I actually just shit myself. Now running even more late, I hop out of the shower and quickly redress . I run my Ass off to the school , I was now 45 minutes late and the military doesn't take to kindly to that. Upon reaching the school , I try to sneak in and that didn't work so well. I ran into my instructor within a couple of seconds. He comes up to me and asks " where the fuck have you been?!!" My mind was racing for a clever excuse but I couldn't conjure anything up. So I decided fuck it, I looked him in the eye and said" tech sergeant ... I shit myself ". He just looked at me with a confused look and simply said " uhh well don't do it again" .
ieatbabies1: Fucking hell you're a genius story teller. I laughed my ass out. Thanks dude that was amazing.
DuuddeLove: I have got plenty more stories and I'll try to post more when I have time .
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1408208651 | 1408232200 | t3_2dqe5n | t5_2to41 | 15 | coolol: TIFU by being an overprotective mom
Well, it's been over 2 hours since this happened and my face is *just* relaxing from the cringeface position....Although my almost 19-year old daughter is all grown up and has her own life, I still can't let go of worrying about her of course.
Now, she just got her 5th tattoo on her forearm about 2 weeks ago and I haven't been able to see if it's healing correctly since I barely see her (work, social life, new girlfriend) so I always try to spend quality time with her for a little bit.
She came in this morning after spending the night at her girlfriend's house and I met her at the door. I notice right away a series of small, red welts resembling either flea bites or irritated mosquito bites. More worryingly, they were all along the edges of her fairly new tattoo. Oh no! My mind went into overdrive. Allergy to the inks! Dirty technique/needles!!
"[Daughter]! What the heck are those!"
Daughter smiles wryly and walks to her room. "Nothing, mom I have to get ready for work."
I followed her to her room, exclaiming to see her forearm. "Please explain what are these, you could be having an allergic reaction or something!"
"Moooom! It's nothing, believe me!" She begins to look embarrassed and I'm slightly puzzled, but oh no, I have to press on.
I look her in the eye and say, "[Daughter], I don't care what it's about. You can tell me anything, ok?" (Ok I'm a worrywart.)
She looked off past my head and then sighs. "They're fingernail marks."
I stare back, processing what she said. "What."
She points at the welts--all the telltale marks of fingernail marks...in a certain...pattern.
My face is instantly blank and I stammer, "Oh, ok well ok ok."
tldr; Lesbian porn is *RUINED* for me, for life.
*edit: formatting and clearing up a sentence.
Christ_on_a_Crakker: For some reason, lesbo sex does absolutely nothing for me.
ramaboii: Do you even penis?
Christ_on_a_Crakker: Yes. I penis all of the time. I am penising right now.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1408208392 | 1408243677 | t3_2dqdql | t5_2to41 | 33 | Cheapshot99: TIFU by having explosive diarrhea
Like most tifus this happened a couple years back
It was any normal week and i was extremely bored. So i decided to go out of town with my dad to work. We left in the morning and headed up to Bakersfield CA. He is a pharmaceutical salesmen (sells drugs to doctors). So we checked in to the hotel that night and we had dinner, a HUGE bean-cheese burrito. The next day he left for work and i stayed at the Hotel watching T.V. I started feeling gassy and my stomach hurt, i figured since i was alone i could fart as loud as i wanted.
HUGE MISTAKE
This fart was different, i knew something was about to go horribly wrong. As i forcefully pushed the gas out of my ass, i felt something explode. Keep in mind i was sitting down.
All of a sudden *BOOM* hot steamy liquid came exploding out my ass before i could even react. Since i was sitting down it had no where to go but up. The hot shit shot up my back and up to my neck. I then ripped of my shirt, pants, and my boxers.
*Knock Knock* SHIT, room service is here without time to react the room cleaners come into the room. I stand there frozen, butt naked holding my soiled clothes. They quickly close the door and started cussing in spanish.
Christ_on_a_Crakker: Dude.
wtfrickss: laughed my ass of after reading this comment
| 3 | 11 | |
1408209338 | 1408253734 | t3_2dqf8h | t5_2to41 | 4 | m3lm0: TIFU by ruining the firing order of my car.
cantthinkofaname: Should say in the manual, then if its distributed, its pretty easy to figure out. What car/year/model?
If you google the engine bay of the model, you can probably see the wiring in the pictures as well from the distributor to the plugs.
m3lm0: Does not have a manual, it was used when i got it. 96 corsica 4cyl. I'll try googling things in the morning.
cantthinkofaname: You might be able to find a pdf online. Googling a picture of the engine Bay is probably the easiest, so try it for sure
| 4 | 1 | |
1408209687 | 1408262535 | t3_2dqfrj | t5_2to41 | 28 | porcuwizdes: TIFU by telling a blind guy to take his glasses off
So, I work in a shitty little store, it doesn't get packed often, but this time round, it is fucking CRAMMED.
We only have one station for cash, so anyway. It's packed beyond belief, everyone's complaining that the line's going really slow.
So I thought I'd try and lighten the mood at the expense of the guy I'm serving.
He's fumbling about with his change, everyone's groaning...
"Sir, maybe if you took your glasses off, you'd be able to see your change." followed by a little chuckle, I'm proud of myself, I hardly ever get to crack jokes at work, even more so with an audience.
When some guy standing at the door pops his head in "Oi, that's rude, he's blind."
Think to myself, hah- This guy's joining in the fun. He must be as bored as I am.
"Haha, sorry man, why don't you come in and stop holding his seeing dog?" I'm on a fucking roll... Well... I was... Until the guy came in with his dog.
Apparently the blind guy wanted to try paying on his own and I humiliated him. Got off lucky eith giving him his stuff free and losing basically every customer inside.
cherylannmarie: I hope this is a lesson learned that you don't make jokes at the expense of others because you don't know what their circumstances are.
porcuwizdes: Of course, though I feel more unlucky that the one time I happen to make a joke at the expense of someone else, it completely backfires.
I'm too timid to do it usually.
zimra: Being timid shouldn't come into it. You shouldn't make jokes at the expense of others unless you know them really well.
porcuwizdes: Without being too rude, I'm 29. I know what I should and shouldn't be doing.
I posted this for people to get a giggle, not because I wanted people to assume the role of my parents.
AbsentmindedAsshole: "I'm 29 so I'm allowed to be a jerk"
That poor guy finally worked up the courage to try and buy something and you screwed it up.
Everyone has a story, and you certainly don't know all of them. Maybe think twice next time
porcuwizdes: That's not what I said, or even what I implied in any way in the slightest.
If I had posted this into Today I Did Something To Hurt Someone and I Found It Hilarious, then by all means, feel free to negate all my words, but I didn't.
I fucked up, the story is mildly amusing, I shared.
And what I'm basically seeing is "You're a terrible person for making someone you had no idea about feel bad, so I'm going to do it too."
"Everyone has a story, and you certainly don't know all of them."
It's irony in the worst possible way, especially when you're trying to take the moral high ground.
I'm not trying to cause a shitstorm. I told my fuck up, that's all it is.
I apologized, we made peace on it, it's a small community, everyone knows each other. There's no hard feelings between the guy, his carer and me.
So if the people most effected are able to be civil, kind and realize it was mistake, why can't you? Uneffected in every way apart from you making a choice to read this post.
| 7 | 4 | |
1408210228 | 1408215366 | t3_2dqgk3 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by high-fiving a knife.
This happened yesterday but searching for /r/yifu added one more fu to the list and led me to post it here. (Don't go there man....)
To clear things up, and to avoid the inevitable question of *"How did you not see a knife?!"* You should all know I'd been suffering from a migraine for most of the day, and was not only drowsy but had a pretty big blind spot where my vision was kind of blurry.
However it was my grandma's birthday, and being the best grandson in the world (of which i have a coffee mug and mini trophy to prove it) I went to the family get together anyway. I said hi and talked with the family for a while. But soon my migraine started to really drain me again so I went off into the next room to catch some zzz's on a bean bag.
After a glorious 2 hours of sleep i felt a little better and began to head back to the where everyone was getting ready to cut the cake, on the way i came up behind my cousin who (without me knowing) was carrying the appropriate tool's for the ceremony. "Hey BlahBlah!" i call out, so she turns around with a funny face and put her hand up for what i thought was a [high five.] (http://resources0.news.com.au/images/2012/06/18/1226398/382844-scream-4.jpg)
**WRONG!** The inner child rose within me to add a small run up for what i was hoping to be the greatest high five ever and threw my hand palm first onto the tip of a kitchen knife. Thank the god's that BlahBlah worked out what i was doing and pulled the knife back at least a little so that it didn't go all the way through my hand. She just looked at me with an "oh shit" face whilst i started to grasp what the hell stupid thing i'd done. I just stood there dazed for a moment giving BlahBlah time to get a clean knife and come back to nudge me in the direction of the cake room and arrived to calmly state "I've stabbed Crappy_Paladin" to which everyone turns around to see me clutching my hand with a small pool of blood forming in my palm. The only reaction being my grandma exclaiming "Don't spill any blood on the carpet!"
Thankfully my auntie was a nurse so she could help me clean it and patch it up. She doesn't think that the knife went that deep so i should be fine. The cake was great though!
TL;DR Went for a running high five into a knife and discoved a part of the internet that nobody should ever return to.
PS. I'm no story teller so sorry everyone.
ieatbabies1: The only reaction being my grandma exclaiming: "Don't spill any blood on the carpet." that was amazing.
I hope your hand heals quick and very happy birthday to your super awesome grandma.
Crappy_Paladin: thanks! I'll be sure to pass on the message!
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1408212995 | 1408295245 | t3_2dqkpx | t5_2to41 | 451 | morningtrain: TIFU by telling my wife "that didn't hurt."
This happened Thursday.
After a long day of work, I came home to my loving wife. I noticed she had something stuck on her thigh. I asked her what it was and she said it was a wax sheet that she must have attached to her when she was using them earlier. This is when shit goes bad.
She decides to slap the sheet on me. Fuck. I am a hairy guy. This is my worst nightmare. The wax sheet is about 4 inches by 4 inches. I instantly imagine the hair from my arm being ripped from the root. I sit there for about 5 minutes and decide, this has to be removed - otherwise how does it come off?
I take a deep breath and count. Three. Two. One. Pull. Wait? No pain? YES! Shit - there is still a bunch of wax buildup. My wife tells me that the only way to get it off would be for me to use another sheet (which is a lie I later learned). Okay. Once again, I pull & no pain. Besides the patch of missing hair on my forearm, I am okay. I tell her that didn't hurt at all. She instantly says, "Okay, let me do it to your balls." I am a MAN and I have been challenged (Also, my thought process is, it didn't hurt so it might hurt a little on my balls, right?)
She prepares the strip & I go lay down on the bed. She tells me to take a deep breath. I am preparing for the countdown. NOPE. She rips that fucking wax sheet off like she was starting a lawnmower. I jump up, flap around like a fish, and fall to the ground. As I lay in pain, I notice that she only got a few hairs and my balls are RED! I take about five minutes to gain my composure and my wife is dying from laughter. So much that she almost passes out from lack of oxygen. I still have wax on me. Oh no! She said the only way to remove wax is with another strip. I want to die. I ask if there is anything else to do? She then decides to give me a wipe that will remove the wax. A fucking wipe that she knew about all along? FUCK. I clean up the wax as much as I can and I decide, I must shave my balls to get the wax out. Well after a few nicks from shaving, I am bleeding. WHY!?!?! I decide to call it a night for my balls and I go cry in the shower.
I have learned my lesson and I will shut my mouth from now on.
TL;DR - Never get your balls waxed.
MarrowTheWolf: First mistake was Saying "That didn't Hurt" To a Woman.
TheCheat3z: First mistake was talking to a woman.
EpicCharizard: Coincidently your mistake is the first step to staying a virgin.
exie610: Not if you have chloroform. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Varyx: does it make you feel cool to act like a rapist on the internet?
Overtoast: does it make you feel important to call out people who play pretend?
| 7 | 64.428571 | |
1408214241 | 1408246943 | t3_2dqmlr | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU (almost) by calling cunninglingus with my SO spelunking...NSFW
Just a heads up this is an ALMOST TIFU since at the end of the day doesn’t matter had sex.
I’m a long time lurker but first time poster and since this is too funny not to share thought it was time to pop my Reddit “cherry” especially since my lady friend will see it since she is a Redditor and this is one of her favorite threads so let’s get down to it!
First things first, my lady friend is AMAZING! She is one of the most genuine, gentle, down to earth, intelligent women I have ever met; AND she has an amazing body, beautiful eyes, long dark hair, and an ass that just won’t quit! She is a Batman fanatic and loves to read and watch movies. I thought I had watched a lot of movies and read a lot of books especially with my Literature degree but what I’ve read and watched is a mere drop in the bucket compared to her. She is someone I can talk to for hours about anything or tie down to the bed and “go to town” with and at the end of either be happy. Her inner beauty and outer beauty needless to say “make my pee pee go doing, doing, doing”!
My lady friend comes over to my house one morning for some alone time before we have to go to work that afternoon. We are on my couch drinking some Dunkin’ Doughnuts coffee I brewed (she loves coffee too) and watching “Hellboy II: The Golden Army” and I had to get up to check my clothes I had in the wash for work before coming back to get to some adult fun started and what do I find but my lady friend ASLEEP on the couch! I was excited and wanting some action since she had been sick the last few days so I was needless to say, a little antsy. However, I was still a gentleman and just pulled her close and I watched the movie while she napped. Right when Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) is taking her pregnancy test my lady friend decides to wake up so I waste little time and take her from my den back to my bedroom for “sexy time”. Not to gloat but sexy time was had and was it glorious!
After sexy time during my “recovery” we watch some more television back in the den, “Night of the Demons” on SyFy I think was on; the remake with the guy that played John Connor (he looks like shit nowadays) by the way. So these demons are having an orgy and slaughtering folks on screen and my girl and I are just lying there cuddled up watching this and I am ready for round two so I begin to explore her with my hands. Things begin to get hot and we take it back down to my bedroom for round two.
During this “recovery” time we had been talking about one of our recurring discussion topics, Batman and how he is the best. Remember I told you she is a Batman fanatic? She wears Batman jewelry to work and was wearing Batman pajama pants that day at my house. I slide these Batman PJ’s off while under the covers and begin to do adult things again. However, this time was different; when I took off the PJ’s while under the cover the scene in Batman Begins where Christian Bale is talking to Morgan Freeman about using the equipment in the R&D department for “spelunking” flashes through my head. So, I’m under the cover with my naked lady friend with my head between her thighs and I’m thinking about spelunking and Christian Bale and Morgan Freeman. What the hell is wrong with me?!? Too bad that isn’t the worst part…
So, I’m down there pleasing my gal while trying to shake the thought of Batman, Christian Bale, Spelunking, and Morgan Freeman out of my head. I then refocused on her and took my time enjoying it. However, this is my first time giving cunninglingus under the covers. I’m usually a very hot-natured rip the cover off the bed kind of guy while my girl is very cold-natured, borderline body temperature like that of an elderly person. (Blame it on bad circulation on her part idk) So I’m starting to sweat a bit under my comforter and her thighs on my ears but I soldier on until I had sweat running down my brow profusely. While still under the cover and in between her legs I lift my head and say “this is what spelunking must feel like”. I felt the cringe wash over her and her body tense up from what I just said and I felt my boner depleting like someone had just canceled the rocket launch at Cape Canaveral with three seconds left in the countdown. She then pulls the covers off and looks me dead in the eye with her eyebrow raised giving me the look and says “I don’t know how I feel about that”. So here I sit, deer in the headlights look on my face with nothing to say except trying to explain why I was thinking about spelunking, Christian Bale, and Morgan Freeman (Could have explained just Batman) to my lady friend that is butt ass naked and ripe for the picking in my bed that I have not seen outside of work in more than a week. “What do I do?” I pondered in my perplexed state in that split second I had a brilliant idea that any other man would have done I believe. I immediately went back to pleasing my woman to push that thought out of her head while I worked my way to pushing something else in its place into her mind and into her “whispering eye” between her thighs. DickCeption.
Tl;dr: Compared Cunninglingus to Cave Diving while thinking of Christian Bale and Morgan Freeman that almost cost me sexy time with SO.
JigzyFish: Now go create a throwaway and tell us what you really think of her
wh0wh0: I'm gonna agree with this one :-)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408215401 | 1408254260 | t3_2dqoas | t5_2to41 | 14 | ewokthegreat: TIFU by being unable to talk to my girlfriend without getting in a fight.
As the title says, I can't talk to my girlfriend without getting into a fight. She doesn't trust me despite the fact that I haven't given her any reason . Every time we try to "talk" we end up yelling and crying. I think I've lost her for good. She gave me her ring back. FML.
JeffersonCassette: if she doesn't trust you for no reason then she probably cheated, or is having an affair... Hate to say it but guilty people start the fights, and are often the most paranoid.
r0b0torg: Came here to say this.... Been there on both sides of this... Try and move on brother don't wallow... You'll be alright I promise!
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1408216340 | 1408226819 | t3_2dqpp8 | t5_2to41 | 120 | nearlyheadlessdick: TIFU by peeing on my daughter
If any of you are parents, you know how hard it is to keep track of an 18 month old during the day by yourself. Bathroom breaks are hard to do, because you can't just close the door and go or else when you come out, your child will be standing on the kitchen counter with knives and ketchup everywhere. So I did what a normal parent does and let my daughter play in the hallway. I left the door open while I went to relieve myself so I could hear her and keep an eye on her. As I'm going, she runs in unexpectedly and tries to stick her hand in my pee stream. I push my leg over to block her and keep her out of the way, but she runs to the other side so I stick my other leg out. At this point I'm standing bowlegged, blocking both sides so she can't reach the stream so I can finish going to the bathroom. Suddenly, I see a little arm shoot from between my legs right into the stream of pee and I had to stop urinating and wash her hand off. Kids...
TL;DR I accidentally peed on my daughter
mealymouthmongolian: This reminds me of trying to take a crap while dodging my son's attempts to "help daddy wipe."
nearlyheadlessdick: Hahahahaha
| 3 | 40 | |
1408213171 | 1408249811 | t3_2dqkzz | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by clearing the genre for my entire iTunes.
AstroNaughtilus: TYFU by choosing Apple, IMO
smokinporch: This
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1408220366 | 1408289771 | t3_2dqvaj | t5_2to41 | 3,652 | plutolute: TIFU by yelling "go back to Africa" within an earshot of a black man
A few weeks ago my friend and I were driving around listening to an 80's compilation CD. In the middle of the song "Africa" by Toto my friend changed to the next track. I exclaimed, "hey, go back to Africa" because I wanted to hear the rest of the song. This all happened at a stop light, windows down, while a black man was crossing in the crosswalk very close to my window. It was like slow motion as the syllable "ca" came out of my mouth, I saw him about 3 feet from window in my peripheral. He looked at me in utter disgust and continued through the crosswalk. As I stuck my head out of the window to try to quickly apologize/explain, the light turned green and we drove off. If you're reading this and you're that man, I am so fucking sorry, it was Toto's fault.
Corpseafoodlaw: I feel you. Had a tri-color Bassett hound who used to climb all over everything, so I nicknamed her "monkey." One day we were in the car and she jumped into the front seat. I yelled, "Back of the bus Monkey!" as I pulled up to a red light, where an older black gentleman was boarding a city bus. I just cringed.
blonderocker: I grew up in a primarily white community; we only had about 3-5 black kids in our entire school district at any time.
One day at school my friend and I got on the subject of which animal the people are in class looked closest to. We went around the room "Caroline, you look like a fish." "Maddy, you look like a cat." We get to the only (half) black girl in the school and we say "Stephanie, you look like a monkey."
We thought nothing of it until we were in the principals office that afternoon being scolded for racial slurs. We had never even heard that monkey is a racial term for black people. They had a really hard time believing us, and I'm not sure they ever really did, but thankfully we received no punishment. We apologized to the girl, but I'm also not sure she ever believed us either.
WASH_YOUR_VAGINA: There's nothing like learning about racism by accidentally being racist!
behenyl: Its how I learned. I was like 5. I mumbled under my breath about having to sit next to a girl. Turns out, she was black, and took it completely the wrong way. Principal sat me down, I cried, and was sent back to apologies for something I didn't do.
aleafytree: I asked my dad why the cashier at a store was burnt, loudly. @_@
pm_me_for_happiness: sick burn
depricatedzero: apply bleach directly to burn
[deleted]: Incorrect, Mix Bleach and Vinegar and inhale. (Please dont: it makes Chlorine gas.)
Boner22: Why did you say anything at all?
[deleted]: So people don't mix them. Same goes for Bleach + any other acids (Chloramine) Bleach + Rubbing Alchohol (Chloroform) and many many other things. Just dont mix cleaning shit.
Boner22: Seems like you could have just not said anything.
[deleted]: As to you.
| 13 | 280.923077 | |
1408221327 | 1408266911 | t3_2dqwpl | t5_2to41 | 444 | strangehilarity: TIFU by jizzing in a shared hotel room.
I am currently on a music tour in Italy, sharing a room with four other men. Obviously not having had sex since the day before we left for the one week trip, tensions were running high, and my extremely horny girlfriend back home was sending me intimate messages, which was not helping in any way. By day four of the trip, I was climbing up the walls with sexual frustration, not having had a wank in all of this time (this is not a long time i know, but needs must). It was early on the morning on the fifth day, and I was the first person in the room up. I went to have a shower in our room bathroom and I took phone with me, and checked my messages. I had received some photos from my girl back home, which didn't leave much to the imagination, and I couldn't take it any longer: so I had a speedy wank in the shower. But after I had finished, I couldn't see where the 'produce' had gone due to the colour of the tiles, so I assumed it had been washed down the plug hole so I left it, with my conscience clear. A short 15 minutes later, one of my room mates opened the shower door after having just showered with a pained expression on his face. It turns out he was very tired and had decided to sit down in the shower, and had ended up sat in my sticky pile of sperm. He didn't realise, went to dry off, and wiped it onto his towel, which he then used to wipe his face, and smeared into his eye. My first reaction was to blame the poor innocent guy who sleeps in the bed next to me, who was still asleep, and said he had done it the night before. None of the room is talking to him, and he is still denying it to everyone.
TL;DR: Somebody sat on the floor in the shower and ended up wiping my spunk in their eye, blamed roommate, no regrets.
Xquisiteroughpatch: Today, eye fucked up.
Ryvm: Eye didn't see that one coming. Neither did they
atheistpaperboy: There'll be a pun thread here before you can blink
andlyB: These puns keep getting cornea and cornea.
darryshan: Could we reach the optical amount of puns?
totalyawsm: With all this jizz in my eyes I cant see men
_Fucking_Awesome_: Eye know right?
Shiny_Sheep: You guys need to seriously stop making a spectacle here.
| 9 | 49.333333 | |
1408221184 | 1408225144 | t3_2dqwig | t5_2to41 | 6 | FerretSummoner: TIFU by having the courage to poo.
Now I don't know about you all, but I am extremely pee shy...especially poo shy. All my life I've tried to refrain from the usage of public restrooms. Not because I think they're dirty. Not because I think that there may be creepers, weirdos, or rapists in there. It's because after you shit in a public restroom and make a lot of noise and smell you actually have to walk out and make eye contact with your fellow piss bros.
The pressure of that in itself is just overwhelming and embarrassing.
"Look there is that guy who just took a massive loud dump"
....
Anyways. Taco Bell has never treated me right when it comes to their new quesorita box.
Every single time (it never fails) I get EXPLOSIVE diarrhoea.
I was shopping with my family today when it hit me. You know those cramps and sweats you get when your body is ready to blow an ass abortion from your lava hole? I knew that I HAD to go.
I calmly walked to the nearest bathroom. (Because who wants to be seen running to drop the worlds dirtiest deuce?)
I walked in. Nobody was there.
I went to the stall closest to the wall for privacy purposes. I Pulled down my pants and let it go like Elsa.
Guys, I'm not joking when I say this but it was one of the most satisfying feelings that I've ever had in my life. Once I was done "cleaning up" I opened my stall door and there was a guy putting his hand over his nose. He gave me a disgusted look. I was so embarrassed because I was positive that the room was clear.
I didn't even wash my hands and made a B-Line for my car.
It gets worse.
About half way there I notice that I have a piece of toilet paper hanging from my ankle. 3 people around me were chuckling and I didn't know why until I looked down.
I'm in the hot car right now as I type this.
Reddit, I'm so embarrassed. I may have to change my name, shave my hair, and start a new life in Vermont or something...
barryk013: Haha I think you're overreacting a bit too much. If it's people you will never see again, who cares of they saw a bit of tp on your ankle. If you shit your pants in your office or something your reaction could somewhat be justified haha :P
FerretSummoner: Yeah I know I'm overreacting but I'm still stunned that the series of unfortunate events happened. Haha
| 3 | 2 | |
1408220244 | 1408235326 | t3_2dqv3b | t5_2to41 | 59 | MySisterIsSoMad: TIFU by beating up my little sister in front of her new school
My little sister starts high school next week. The school was having an open house last night and my parents wanted her to make a good impression, so they made me take her down to meet her new teachers and shit.
After we left the open house, she was playing some hackey sack in the parking lot and wanted me to try. She kicked the hackey to me. I tried to catch it, but, being wonderfully uncoordinated, my foot nailed her right between her legs.
She dropped. I apologized maybe a thousand times while she rolled on the ground swearing. She didn't say a word to me as we walked back to the car, her hands over her lap. I ran back inside and got her a cold soda to put on it, but she refused, so I don't think she was still hurting too much. Just angry and embarrassed and a teenager.
Oh, and the school officials seemed kind of mad at me when I went back for the soda. Did they see us from inside? Do they think I'm some kind of asshole who kicks his little sister in her groin and then celebrates with a Dr. Pepper?? I'm worried our parents might get a call about this.
The car ride home was really awkward (I tried to cheer her up by playing EVERYTHING IS AWESOME) and she locked herself in her room. If she's still pouty today, I'm going to remind her of all the times she's jumped in my lap and smashed my balls over the years.
idkusernames: Jeez, if I didn't know your side of the story, I would think that you're some kind of asshole who kicks his little sister in her groin and then celebrates with a Dr. Pepper
blzy79: Who the hell drinks dr pepper?
idkusernames: This celebratory asshole
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1408223814 | 1408237855 | t3_2dr0ad | t5_2to41 | 19 | HighFiveHippo: TIFU by making a joke about dead parents in front of a friend who recently lost his father.
I was walking back inside from a practice and was talking about being sad with a person and he made a comment about how he never gets sad and there is nothing that could make him so sad. I, without thinking, blurted out haha I bet if your parents died you'd be sad. The friend who lost his father recently to a freak storm building collapse was, without my knowledge, right behind us.
He choked back a sob and timidly said don't talk about that around me and hurried off.
I am a fucking idiot.
soalone34: Just bring his father back to life and your problem will be solved.
HighFiveHippo: Thanks
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1408225826 | 1408227085 | t3_2dr39h | t5_2to41 | 48 | anatelier: TIFU with an inadvertent death threat
As I bagged up a woman's purchase -- a pair of pillows by the name of "Deep Sleep" -- she commented in jest that she bought them purely because of the name. With idle colleague-to-customer conversation not being my strong suit, I said "You should have a deep sleep, otherwise it's false advertising." She laughed as her, I'm assuming, husband and daughter approached. "You'll find out tomorrow if I did have a deep sleep, I might come back for a refund!"
At this point, I wanted to reassure the customer about the quality of the product and put to rest any notions of returning it. So as I put her receipt in the bag and handed it over, I said "Not if you don't wake up."
*Of course*, the intention was to say that her sleep would be so deep and plentiful that she would be afforded the opportunity to sleep in. But the delivery came across as though I planned to smother her with said pillow in the night.
soalone34: how did she react
anatelier: It could have gone much worse. They all laughed. Her husband remarked that I need to work on my delivery and I agreed.
| 3 | 16 | |
1408226877 | 1422057161 | t3_2dr4rl | t5_2to41 | 12 | salsapoacher: TIFU by painting someone.
I work at a local Ace Hardware in my town. I was roaming the floor asking people if they need help. I am usually pretty good about being able to get people what they need. A middle aged woman came up to me and asked me if I could mix some paint for her. So I gave her the cheery "Of course! Let's go over to the paint department!"
She gave me the sample she wanted, everything is all good. I've mixed paint for people many times so I know exactly what I'm doing. (Working at a hardware store can be quite joyful if you love helping people, which is how I try to see it).
She needed two gallons of a stupidly named color, let's call it "Synergy's Philosophical Vicarious Blossom Cream" in satin: two gallons. No problem!
I enter the code for the color in the computer, everything goes smooth as butter. I go to the back and acquire two gallons of the Clark & Kensington satin white interior latex. Exactly what I need. I come back, scan the cans, computer approves, LETS DO THIS.
I open up the first can, set it under the mixer. We have this awesome automated thing that does it all automatically so you can just sit there like a crippled toad and just watch it urinate all of these cool colors into the can. Can number one is finished so I close up the lid, and put it in the shaker.
Whilst can #1 is shaking, I begin to open up the lid on can #2. Everything still going smooth. I put the can underneath the mixer, it urinates the cool colors, and then I take it out.
I take out can #1 from the shaker and replace it with can #2. Like the sir I am, I open up can #1, show my lovely middle aged female customer the color she picked, and how it came out exactly as on the sample. I dab a bit of the color on the lid, blow dry it, and put it back on the can.
By this point, can #2 is done shaking so I take that one out. I don't bother opening that one since the first can went so beautifully. So as I excitingly feel proud and helpful for successfully giving this woman the paint she needed, I happily hand her the two paint cans that she had been waiting patiently for. I hand her can #2, tightly sealed and carefully mixed by yours truly, Salsapoacher, the helpful hardware man. When I handed her can #1, I presented to her, a milkshake of latex as the lid I FORGOT to hammer closed fell off and paint came rushing down her entire torso, replacing her skin tone with Clark & Kensington's finest interior latex in "Synergy's Philosophical Vicarious Blossom Cream".
I apologized at least over 68 times, fetched her as many towels as I could, gingerly mixed another gallon of paint to replace the one that was currently inhabiting her. Thank everything that is good that she wasn't one of those impossible, awful turdbeast of a man that comes into Ace expecting five star quality assistance. Nonetheless, paint was on sale 20% off today. I gave that woman 35% off.
tl;dr: Sometimes enjoying the process of mixing paint too much results in an entire gallon of paint escaping into the customers clutches, without the can.
Sorrelcider:
THIS IS GREAT
salsapoacher: NAH BRAH YOUR GREAT
| 3 | 4 | |
1408223845 | 1408307302 | t3_2dr0c1 | t5_2to41 | 50 | shaturdaze: TIFU by drinking a whole bottle of black cherry juice.
I was just done with classes and wanted to get a snack and a drink before I hopped on the bus to go home. I went to the grocery and got some veggie sushi and I was looking for a drink to go with it when suddenly -
!SALE! 'Just Black Cherry Juice' 50% offf
Ohhh yummy! I never tried cherry juice before, but it must be delicious, right?
I buy it, sit down to enjoy my snack and take a big swig.
Ohhh this tastes weird. I can see now why I don't see cherry juice around very much, it doesn't translate well to liquid form. Ah well, it's not that bad, and it must be good for you because it has all these vitamins. I better just suck it up and drink the bottle so it doesn't go to waste.
Later, on the bus, I'm about halfway home when I feel something start to go terribly wrong within my digestive system. I'm sweating, my asshole is quivering, and I feel like I'm going to explode.
I put two and two together and whipped out my phone. The first search results for "black cherry juice" return terrifying words such as POWERFUL and LAXATIVE. My fate is sealed.
Every molecule of my being is devoted to holding my asshole shut as I reached my destination. I got off the bus and ran the two blocks home, holding my buttcheeks closed with my hands.
I had unlocked the door and taken one step into my apartment when there was a sudden spasm in my asshole. The gates had breached, and hot viscous poo suddenly blossomed over my butt cheeks. I just thanked my lucky stars that at least I made it home.
tl;dr: TIL black cherry juice is a powerful laxative
chickenboneneck: Not one result in the first 3 pages of Google results for "black cherry juice" uses the word "powerful" or "laxative." Just FWIW. It's mentioned as a cure for gout and arthritis. Not a word about laxitive properties. In fact, searching for "black cherry juice laxative" returns results generally stating that it's a laxative, but nothing near as immensely powerful as OP insinuated.
myepicdemise: OP's story is true in his own universe.
chickenboneneck: I don't doubt that the story (mostly) happened, but why take artistic license with a story about shitting? I don't see the point.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1408228707 | 1408237395 | t3_2dr7e3 | t5_2to41 | 59 | Shavingryansprivate6: [NSFW] TIFU by masturbating next to my cat
I was watching tv and became bored. I started wanking while sitting on my couch (that has about a foot of space under it). Bout 5 mins into it my very playful cat, who I had no idea was under the couch, jumps up and swats my penis like it is a cat toy. I know have claw marks on my dick and I have a date tomorrow night. Fml
texas_nature: haha tell your date that you had a shaving razor on your bathroom sink and your junk slapped it when you got out of the shower.
Shavingryansprivate6: Lol I'll try it. It hurts like shit
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1408230631 | 1408318852 | t3_2dra3p | t5_2to41 | 7 | uziman55: TIFU by pooping at work
This happened not 30 minutes ago and I feel like this is the right time to share my story. I work a Pizzeria and I do often use our bathrooms because we have a spacious one with a very thick, almost sound proof door. I was sitting on the toilet, browsing Reddit while I waited for my business to happen. Since our door is so thick, I can hear muffled murmurs and the doorbell sound our door makes when it opens, so it gives me comfort knowing I can poop as loud as I want without fear of the outside world hearing. However, this time i did most of my business, I repeat, MOST. Have you ever had that time where you do most of your business, but there's always that little bit left you cant get out no matter how hard you try? This was indeed one of those times. I do what I can to get the last bit out, but to no avail so I give up proceed to get up to wipe and go back to work. As I stand up I hear the doorbell go off only to be followed by fast murmuring. I think nothing of it until I see I forgot to lock the door! The fucking door was unlocked and the handle began to turn. As I sit there shocked I entered the slowing of time. It was like Neo's slow motion bullet dodging from The Matrix. The door opens, and it's our RM (regional manager) that added to my shock value and stunned me even further. This man was just as stunned as I was and we stared at each other for a good 5-7 seconds. Don't forget my pants are still around my ankles at this point. Then, the literal worst thing happened. That little last piece of shit I couldn't squeeze out shot out of me faster than the Apollo rocket taking off. It hits the wall with a gross noise. It literally sounded like someone dropped a soggy sandwich off of the roof. He then immediately went home, as did I and now I'm watching Breaking Bad to recover from what I can explain as a deal breaker for any type of promotion
Nohalfmeasures00: Who just stares at someone they walked in on in the bathroom?You close the door as fast as possible and pretend like nothing happened.
uziman55: I think it was pure shock value that froze him and myself. It all happened so fast that I'm still comprehending it
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408231638 | 1408253580 | t3_2drbia | t5_2to41 | 239 | texas_nature: TIFU by getting a boner while donating blood.
so today started out like any other day. i woke up to go to my oldest son's school to talk to his teacher and let both my son's play with the toys, the jumphouse and all of the entertainment. my wife, before we went, was rubbing against me turning me on, giving me the biggest tent and then she just stopped, causing me to be horny all day long. we got to the function where i decided to give blood because there was a blood donation van there.
i haven't ate that morning, but i wasn't hungry and didn't realize that i was suppose to eat before giving blood. now, let's talk about the nurse, with her low cut nurse's outfit and her huge breast popping out of it, rubbing against me as i was giving blood and turning me on even more then i was before i left, and so i ended up getting an erection while i was donating blood.
trying to hide it, i tried to use the shirt that i had gotten for giving blood in the first place, and it was working quite well and i didn't have anyone suspecting a thing. i started to give blood and started feeling really light headed and told the nurse that and she started to look like she was getting worried.
all of a sudden, i'm waking up with 3 nurses around me, kinda giggling and also worried about me, as i had just passed out from not eating that day and giving blood. it turns out that they had removed the shirt that was covering up my tent, that i had created from the sight of the nurses perfect sized breasts, so that they could recline my body so that blood would rush to my head so that i would recover sooner.
i look up at all of the nurses, mainly the one nurse that caused me to get my tent in the first place, and she was trying not to laugh, but at the same trying to be professional as i had just passed out and they wanted to make sure that i was ok.
My wife was in the room also, and she had seen the entire thing (except for me looking at the nurses breasts) and she was worried but then she seen my tent and started laughing as well at me. i left out of that place with my head held high and my boner between my legs, trying to conceal my shame. i never told my wife what gave me the boner, she still thinks that it was mainly because she was rubbing up on me that morning.
tl;dr: i got a boner while giving blood, passed out and everyone seen my boner.
Hill-Arious: Twist: When OP wakes up the nurses and wife notice his dick...then the cheesy porno music starts. "Oh texas_nature, what a big cock you must have to have passed out. Here let me take care of that for you" Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka."Your wife looks jealous, do you think she should join us?" Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka
PerturbedPelican: Now all I can think of is pacman. Wacka wacka wacka wacka.
Wiiplay123: Now all I acn think of is a bear telling jokes. Wacka wacka!
BigfootTouchedMe: All I can think of is playing cricket. At the WACA.
Umbos: All I can think of is the mafia. I'm gonna whack ya.
BigfootTouchedMe: What do ya want me to do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? Because I'm married!
| 7 | 34.142857 | |
1408232489 | 1408234280 | t3_2drco0 | t5_2to41 | 15 | g33k1977: TIFU plumbing
Just a couple hours ago I fucked up. My toddler is at the poi t of flushing whatever she comes across down the toilet. Last time, it was a wad of baby wipes that cost us $300 for a plumber to come out and extract. That time I watched the plumber and learned how to do it myself. Toilet clogged again today so I went to Lowe's, got a replacement wax ring and proceeded to get dirty. Everything went easier than expected until I was tightening down the nuts holding the bowl to the floor... yeah I over tightened it and cracked the porcelain. My wife is going to kill me. We could barely afford the $2 for the ring much less a new toilet.
rockandrollandsleep: I was about to come up with something, probably offensive towards your skills.. but beeing that tight on a budget and having a little kid and everything.. man.. i really hope your wife understands.
Good luck to you
g33k1977: Thank you. It doesn't help that the last time I tried plumbing, I attempted to turn off the main valve to the house and it broke off in my hand. Original contractors who had built the house had used cheap pvc above and below the valve and it just snapped. So in her eyes I have a poor track record.
rockandrollandsleep: Oh wow..Nice!
Really seems like you just want to take matters into your own hands and shit keep falling down on you.
Well, in her eyes you should be a good husband who was trying hard not to screw your budget even more.. not an ass who broke the toilet.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1408232757 | 1408238667 | t3_2drd1e | t5_2to41 | 3 | Ponchorello7: TIFU by letting my grandma's dog out.
ChroniclesIY: either you shower long or the storm hit really really fast with no warning
Ponchorello7: Typical Mexican summers. 20 minute rains.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408234595 | 1408235365 | t3_2drfl5 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: [meta] Does anybody else think about TIFU before doing anything out of the ordinary?
The other day I had to **a)** get a piece of crappy furniture out of my house and **b)** break it up for disposal.
I live on the second floor. I figured out the easiest way to do both would be to drop the thing off my balcony.
But before I did it, I ran it through a TIFU filter first. "TIFU by dropping a desk off my balcony…"
In the end I did it, carefully, but thinking through the TIFU potential was useful.
soalone34: If anything I kind of want to get into an embarrassing situation so I can get front paged on TIFU lol
[deleted]: I guess it could go either way. Didn't think of that!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408230207 | 1408292226 | t3_2dr9gz | t5_2to41 | 4 | herkaburger: TIFU Approximately 4 years ago by calling one of my good friends, who happens to be Black, a Ni**er. [NSFW for use of certain words]
Yeah, this story's from a few years back, but I hadn't remembered it until just now, because I talked to this friend for the first time in a year and a half.
So, TL;DR First: **Went to call my friend a ninja as I walked out my front door, but said "Nigger" instead to my brothers newly acquainted black friend. We're pretty tight now.**
Well fuck me, if this isn't one of the biggest fuck-ups of my life that makes my chest hurt every time I think about it.
About 4 years ago, the summer after 8th grade, I was hanging out at my place with my friend, who we can call Lucas. Well, Locus and I were on our way out the front door of my home after school to go do things outside. I don't remember how, but on my way out Lucas did some kind of action that warranted me calling him a ninja. Probably had something to do with some kind of amazing catch, or being quiet and sneaking up on me, who knows really.
Well, as we were walking out, my brother was on his way in. He walks in the door, passes me, and as I am making an attempt at saying the word ninja to my friend, I spin around and meet eyes with my brothers friend, who we will call Isaak. Fun fact, Isaak is mulatto.
Well, I meet Isaak, face to face, and the first thing out of my mouth? Instead of saying "Lucas, you're a ninja," I say "Lucas, you're a *proceed to look at mulatto boy in my doorway* nigger..."
Fuuuuuck.
Isaak looked at me, said "what...?" and I replied with "What?" and my friend and I fucking bolted...
And that's the story about how I dropped the N-bomb in front of a black guy, and became his friend.
HollowPointBullet: Typical Whitey.
herkaburger: Even when i'm not trying to keep a man down, i'm keepin' a man down...
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408236293 | 1408253343 | t3_2drhwa | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my brother's shower pouf while on my period.
[deleted]
ChroniclesIY: so you wash "there" last?
TheGwolo: cutting deep to the heart of the issue, ChroniclesIY is the master of the situation...
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408236750 | 1408291107 | t3_2drij4 | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting tricked into opening a gay porno site
This was when I was around 11.
So, I was playing an MMO and I was all buddy-buddy with this one guy who was in my party. After he was about to leave, he asked me if I wanted to check out this one website for guides and such. I went to it, and of course, it was one of those trick websites that shows gay porn and makes message boxes that won't let you do anything until you shut off your computer.
Well, that wouldn't have been really much of a problem other than scarring my eleven year old self. Except that my mom and my sister were in the same room at the time. When my mom saw it, she immediately questioned me frantically about whether or not I was into that kind of stuff. My face probably turned red, and it took me a few minutes to figure out I had to turn the laptop off. After all of that, my mom had a talk or two with me about my sexuality. For a while, my mom thought I liked gay porn, no matter how hard I tried to explain to her that I was tricked into it.
**TL;DR - Some guy I was playing a game with online gave me a link to a website that flashed gay porn at me while my mom and sister were in the room.**
EDIT: Edited TL;DR because I don't think I did it right.
Vinester: Am I the only one who as I clicked on this realised it would have been really funny if the title was a link to the exact site?
[deleted]: If only I remembered what the link was.
St4rZDaGoba: Was it nobrain.dk? I got tricked into it when playing counter-strike as a kid :(
Edit: DON'T OPEN IT
[deleted]: I remember it had sunday in it.
| 5 | 11 | |
1408236131 | 1408296069 | t3_2drhp2 | t5_2to41 | 20 | otnipplescars: TIFU By getting my girlfriend's braces stuck in my nipple. (nsfw-ish)
Once upon a time, on a lovely springbreak afternoon... it was nearing the time when my father would come home. Me and my current girlfriend at the time were getting frisky. She was sucking on my nipple, biting and nibbling it and whatever. When all of the sudden-- her braces got stuck. Total nipple puncture. She tried to pull back, but I screamed. Her front teeth were totally stuck. It was less than thirty minutes before my homophobic Dad would be arriving. He'd never let me have sleepovers with girls again. He'd never let me see my girlfriend again. So what was I to do? We tried everything-- I carried her to the kitchen in my arms, which was pretty easy considering how small and light she is. We tried butter, vaseline, ice... nothing would get those braces out without tearing my flesh. So I, as a last resort, being the brilliant queer I am, put on a movie and wrapped a blanket around my girlfriend and I. My dad came home to see us like this at the edge of my bed in front of the TV, and asked why we were like that. To which I replied, and I quote: "She's been going through a tough time. I'm cuddling her." So he shrugged it off, and I politely asked that he shut the door. I proceeded to watch the movie and my girlfriend listened. All the while she bared being hunched over and I bared the soreness and stinging of having plastic and metal whatevers inside of my nipple. By the end of the movie, my Dad came in and said "Lights out." I told him we needed more time, and that we'd watch one more movie and that was all. He agreed, brushed his teeth, and left after turning off the lights. I sat through another movie. Cinderella II. Following the first. My girlfriend had fallen asleep before the movie reached it's end, and I too fell victim to slumber before the credits could get their chance to roll. When I woke up the next morning, we were on opposite sides of the bed. She was turned over, facing away from me. I looked down at my bare chest to see an entire layer of dried blood all over my chest, a painting to capture my torn-in-half-nipple. I held back screams, as I had done the entire night before, washed it off, put some neosporin and a bandaid on it. In case you were wondering, it grew back. I still have a scar, though.
Jake_bennett: Are you both girls? I
Saw you said homophobic dad so I was curious
Crotherz: Are you a man? Look at your nipples. Could this happen to you? No. Female nipples are the only nipples that can get stuck in braces.
(Did I just fucking say that? Best day ever.)
otnipplescars: Having three uniquely nippled brothers, I beg to differ.
Hell, one of my older brothers has bigger nipples than I do.
(But yeah great comment.)
| 4 | 5 | |
1408237495 | 1408238617 | t3_2drji4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | BarkMryant: tifu by being James Bond
BarkMryant: Fuck man, that sounds scary, was your dad pissed, or just happy you were okay?
gtakiller0914: He was a drunk so when he went to grab me, he wasn't really paying attention to the wires melting the top of his car. I don't remember much after that except for a belt.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408233576 | 1408238991 | t3_2dre6z | t5_2to41 | 5 | StormLXXIV: TIFU by sneezing (Involves bathroom, but I'm pretty sure it's SFW)
This story begins this morning, after I woke up and had a delicious breakfast of homemade nutmeg waffles (thanks mom!). I usually take a whiz when I get up, but I had today opted to stay in bed for those precious few minutes of being relatively undisturbed. So after breakfast I head into the bathroom.
It should be noted that I, as a teenage male, have developed the habit of sitting down whenever I use the bathroom, even if I'm just taking a tinkly stream.
I enter the bathroom and turn on the light, which is very bright to my still freshly awoken eyes. I have a thing where sudden bright light causes me to sneeze uncontrollably for a while. So does my uncle, so it runs in the family I guess. So I lift up the lid and start sneezing. The first one ejected a huge amount of snot from my nasal area, and I used the nearby toilet paper to blow my nose a few times. I sneeze a couple more times, but nothing comes out. Phew. I gotta go now. I sit down, and start. Now, taking my morning pee a bit later than usual, combined with my usual mug of water after dinner and before bed, ensured this was a steady stream, borderline geyser.
So there I am, sitting down on the toilet peeing. And I have this feeling of needing to sneeze building like the anxious way you look at a train wreck in slow motion. There's no stopping the stream, I can fight the urge or let it go in a monstrous sneeze.
There is a technique I have improved over time to catch otherwise inconsiderate moments to sneeze. You simply pinch your nostrils shut and sneeze. 100% guaranteed not to have boogers flying out of your nose like bullets out of a gun. I often do it when everyone else in the house is sleeping, or during movies.
The feeling of needing to sneeze is building, greater and greater. The wreck is approaching. I pinch my nose, not thinking about if my body will move while peeing. I sneeze, and nothing comes out, excellent, my technique worked. During the sneeze, my body violently rocked as though some evil spirit possessing it had been finally released to the freedom it had been craving with indescribable passion for years.
The near geyser of pee redirected itself, going partially on top of and in between the seat of the toilet and the bowl itself. As it bounced and entered the crack, it flew out like birdshot. It was in my underwear, all on my shorts, running down the bowl on the outside, and on my thighs. I let out this defeated half groan and reach for the TP to clean up this mess of my own urine.
It takes the remainder of a roll of TP, and a bit of another to clean everything up. Enough TP to ensure I worried whether it would flush. Thank goodness it did. Nobody noticed, phew.
TL:DR Took my morning leak later than usual, bright light from bathroom light started a sneezefest. Sneezed during my leak, pee went like birdshot. Took lots of TP to clean up.
Will definitely be standing up again. Better the toilet than me.
ChroniclesIY: you sneezed and blew your load all over yourself
StormLXXIV: No. I simply don't masturbate or watch porn. Although I'm sure that's happened to someone before.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408238161 | 1408238481 | t3_2drkd6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | AirshipHead: TIFU by getting drunk at the leaving party of a coworker I've had a thing for forever.
soalone34: How did the coworker react?
AirshipHead: "I did nothing wrong here, I will go and speak to him, I'm pissed off"
soalone34: Was she talking to you?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1408238157 | 1408239509 | t3_2drkcu | t5_2to41 | 6 | adcas: TIFU by cleaning cat litter boxes
INB4 I'm called out as a dumb ass: I know, I'm a dumb ass.
Alright, so a while back (about ten years) I got stuck with cleaning kitty litter boxes. No problem, I had a cold and there was no way the ammonia could bug me as much.
As per usual, I dumped the litter in a trash bag- we didn't have the scoop litter and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean out three litter boxes the hard way. First two go without a hitch, but the third is gross on the outside so I take a scrub brush and a bottle of water and start spraying away.
It took about thirty seconds for me to notice that I was getting a bit more spray back that normal. I hope you, the reader, have picked up on what was happening quicker than I did.
I'm going about my business and stop spraying, start coughing a little. The cats have totally vacated the area, but I can't smell because of my death cold, which is getting worse by the second.
About a minute in, the utility room is really fucking foggy and my mom comes running in to open all of the doors and windows, telling me there are easier ways to kill people than poison gas.
I asked her what she meant because the bottle I was using was clearly labeled as water? Nope, we've been putting bleach in this one.
It took three hours to get the room free of the accidental gas and it was another month before the cats would even go into the room because I almost killed them.
Tl;dr I made mustard gas with cat pee and a mislabeled bottle of bleach
Agent_545: TIL piss + bleach = mustard gas.
Good TIFU.
adcas: I'm glad I could learn you a thing. Even years later, I make sure everything is labeled properly because apparently you can die from this. XD
And thanks!
| 3 | 2 | |
1408238721 | 1408307725 | t3_2drl2u | t5_2to41 | 179 | dontjudgeme57: TIFU by using mom's toothbrush (NSFW)
Throwaway account, username says it all.
*UPDATE BELOW*
Today, I had the house to myself, and decided, as the horny teenager I am, to masturbate.
Last night I saw a recommendation on /r/sex to use a battery operated toothbrush as a vibrator. I opened the medicine cabinet, seeing only my mom's orange toothbrush was the only vibrating toothbrush.
No worries, I thought. She has extra toothbrush heads, and I can just replace it back to its normal disposition when I'm done. (I'm not an animal.)
I finish, and go off to play video games. Flash forward to hours later. Mom comes home, goes upstairs. I hear a loud "WHY THE FUCK IS MY TOOTHBRUSH ON THE FLOOR IN YOUR ROOM?!?!"
I (like a dumbass) mumble, red-faced "I dont know?"
Now, silence. Will update later
EDIT: Also, am female. Hope it adds to the story, friends.
*UPDATE*: Told mom I needed batteries out of it for an Xbox controller. All was well...until I just heard her use the toothbrush.
I didn't have time to change the head of it.
....
soalone34: This isn't that big a deal. Just say you wanted to try and use an electronic tooth brush instead of a regular one.
alidra47: on the floor in the bedroom?
soalone34: Say you put it on a shelf after and dropped it.
Dent18: In the bedroom?
soalone34: If there's a shelf in the bedroom sure.
| 6 | 29.833333 | |
1408239667 | 1408301258 | t3_2drmab | t5_2to41 | 18 | ReptilianOver1ord: TIFU by eating a box of fried chicken while sick 'NSFW'
Last year of college I was violently ill with some variety of respiratory illness (probably the flu) -- sore throat, coughing, runny nose -- the usual unpleasantness. I was unable to eat very much other than applesauce, NyQuil, and cough drops for about a week and I had begun to grow very hungry.
One evening, my sore throat had begun to subside and I could once again eat solid food. Unfortunately, I arrived about 30 minutes before my university's cafeteria closed and the only food remaining was fried chicken. I swiftly bought my box of nuggets and fries and walked back to my dorm room (I didn't have a roommate that year). I devoured my prize, washed it down with a carbonated beverage, and drifted off to sleep.
At precisely 3:00 A.M. the next morning I felt a prodigious urge to evacuate my bowels. "Sweet merciful Jesus", I exclaimed as I leapt from my lofted bed to frantically search for my shoes. Bent over double, cloaked in darkness, my hands closed around my shoes at the very moment that my predicament went from bad to very fucking bad.
It was like a Jackson Pollock painting: the door, the walls, the cold, and formally gray, tile floor were completely covered. I stared in disbelief, a steady steam of expletives pouring from my mouth as a fetid odor permeated the room. I spent the better portion of an hour and the majority of my cleaning supplies disinfecting the room only to discover that it had leaked under my door and into the hall, and was turning a crescent-shaped section of the hall a rich, dark brown.
After I finished cleaning I walked to the showers at the end of the hall and bathed -- all the while muttering, "How the fuck did that just happen". Mid-way through my shower I hear a group of very inebriated girls enter the bathrooms (all bathrooms in my building were co-ed). When I finished showering I realized, to my horror, in my haste to get clean I brought only a bar of soap, my keys, and the soiled clothes I was wearing. I waited for a few minutes until I heard the cackling laughter of drunken girls exit the bathroom and fade away. I gathered my belongings and walked, butt naked, right into the same group of girls who were hanging out in the hallway talking.
TL:DR -- I ate mostly NyQuill and cough drops for a week, had some fried chicken, shit all over my dorm room, and then walked fully nude into a group of very drunk (and very attractive) women while clutching my shit-soaked tighty-whities.
Sayitwithyochest: should've said
"hey ladies, you're so pretty that I shit my pants trying to approach you :'}"
ReptilianOver1ord: Somehow, I don't think that would have helped my case.
myepicdemise: You were damn lucky they were drunk and probably won't remember this too clearly.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1408241097 | 1408253104 | t3_2dro4l | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by completely destroying any trust my girlfriend had for me
briguybriguy: Abandon ship.
TheGwolo: AH WHOOOOGAH!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408242727 | 1408250389 | t3_2drq7u | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a girl she looked OK
So, I am rather naive when it comes to women (C'mon, every guy has been there) and I've recently been texting this girl I met. Well, she sent me a selfie and said "Sorry it doesn't look good." Naturally, I responded with "Oh, it looks OK!", and by that I had meant "You look pretty good."
Well, she took it the wrong way. "Oh, you look OK, but it could be better." She then starts telling me to fuck off and then i'm an asshole. At first, I thought she was playing a cruel joke, so I went along with it. That was my second mistake.
Eventually, we sorted out the mistake and now we're taking a small break from the texting. I'm not sure if i'll be able to live that down. Has anyone else met with a similar fate?
jfb3: You got off easy, and found out early.
If she flips out over nothing when she's flirty you definitely want to get out now.
heathestus: Well, we're not exactly 'flirting'. She just takes pride in looking good.
KeebeeNacho: Exactly, violently so. Steer clear, matey. Those be treacherous waters.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1408243699 | 1408363969 | t3_2drrgz | t5_2to41 | 4 | K4SHM0R3: TIFU By being hopelessly in love with one of my best friends.
AlfsRehabAndTea: you're being a bit of a whiney bitch. ALL women have vaginas. Fuck one of them!
K4SHM0R3: That's kinda not the point I was going for. I think /r/TheRedPill is calling you, you should probably go and check what they want.
AlfsRehabAndTea: soooo... you are basically saying that im more an alpha type male. whereas you're the type to cater to a girls every need? well thats just screams little bitch to me... AKA whipped
K4SHM0R3: I'm the type who actually gives a shit about the girl as opposed to just wanting a quick hook-up, yes. I'm the type who'd take sitting down under a blanket and watching a movie over a quickie on the couch any day, yes. I'm the type who wants to mean something more than just a fuck buddy, yes. But I'm the type who will be remembered, you'll just blend into the one night stands and the assholes hey hooked up with because they had no one better to go to.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1408243788 | 1408247991 | t3_2drrl9 | t5_2to41 | 8 | fuped: TIFU by fucking my girlfriend right in the pussy
U_AreFuckedInTheHead: I'm guessing you didn't need Magnums
6romperstomper9: I'm guessing you're correct. Also the tip didn't break, the whole thing just slid off, well because.......OP didn't need Magnums.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408245833 | 1408301544 | t3_2dru7r | t5_2to41 | 64 | account-7: TIFU by getting stuck at the top of a skyscraper.
agentlame: Might want to conserve your phone battery. Posting to reddit seems like a poor use.
Guitarknowitall: Or maybe use his fucking cell phone to call for help.
account-7: Right...And risk getting in a lot of damn trouble
Guitarknowitall: Yeah starving to death on top of a fucking building is a lot better? Someone is gonna find you and let you down eventually you idiot.
Dougie1234: youre not gonna starve after one night....
account-7: I am pretty hungry...
Rapsca11i0n: See if any pizza places do helicopter delivery.
fullnorcal: I'm sensing a good justification for drone delivery!
Rapsca11i0n: Finally!
| 10 | 6.4 | |
1408245463 | 1408292049 | t3_2drtrx | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my dad's phone.
So recently my family dropped comcast (the feeling of fucking over comcast felt so good) and we now do not have WiFi. My dad's phone gets unlimited 4G so I was using it for browsing and shit when my mom and dad started a huge argument. My dad left a little while later to get pizza and left his phone with me. A little while later my dad's phone got a text from my mom saying "all that fighting was hot, wanna do it? ;) Well my dad's phone beeped in my hands so I read the text. RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY MOM. My very God fearing, religious mother. Both of our cheeks went really red and as much as I don't care about there lives, that shit was still kind of embarrassing.
Thursdayftw: The only thing I can think of while reading this: how does switching ISPs have any effect on your Wi-Fi?!
OneTrickKitty: You Can't Be serious.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1408244894 | 1408284604 | t3_2drt0x | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by tell a girl I'm interested in about my abusive father while texting high.
I met a girl online and we've been talking for a few weeks while trying to coordinate our schedules to meet up. In the mean time we've been chatting and getting further into our personal lives. She opened up to me and one night while smoking with some friends she asked me for a condensed version of my life story. I gave her something brief while sober and then she asked for more info. While writing it out I was camping with some close friends and smoking. I got into some deep personal stuff with this safe circle of friends and my high self thought it was a good idea to text during this. I thought it'd be fine to really open up, so I told her about growing up as a special needs kid in school and my abusive father, and how that affected me growing up and how I've dealt with it. I ended up not making any kind of sense and sending her a long text of really dark personal information that made me sound like an insane person. She said she didn't mind, but communication has dropped dramatically. I think I fucked up and scared off someone cool.
WeeabooFgt: Don't do drugs kids, you'll look batshit insane.
DMTelf098: yeah drugs are really fun tho :)
| 3 | 6 | |
1408248441 | 1408394325 | t3_2drxho | t5_2to41 | 12 | Oneeyefrog: TIFU BY STOPPING A FIGHT WITH MY PARENTS AND SIBLINGS
So a Lil back story ....I am in my late 20 and I been down in my luck for the past year, my wife cheated on me, I lost my house my car broke down and I lost my job so its been hard for me, I was forced to move back with the parents just until I got back on my feet... To day I got home from work and a shit storm was brewing at home with one of my siblings her husband and my parents ...I got home heard arguing and decided to stay out of it because sometimes its best but I heard my father yelling at my sister (father has heart problems) so I decided to step in and defuse the situation as soon as I walk in the room and tell dad to calm down he yells for me to shut the fuck up and get out of his house... So now I'm homeless ..... Guess its just not my year ....I just felt like I had to share ...
Oneeyefrog: Thanks for all the good advice , but I don't think I can go back I tried talking to mom today and she shun me I'm staying with a friend now but my time here is limited ...thank you all ...
Meowsticgoesnya: She shunned you?
What do you mean?
Also, try /r/homeless maybe? (I don't know if that's a good subreddit or not, never been on it)
I don't know what other subs could be helpful though.
| 3 | 4 | |
1408251115 | 1408292161 | t3_2ds0sm | t5_2to41 | 108 | A_Dads_Dissaproval: TIFU by asking my dad to kill a bug.
This isn't the first time I've dealt with my dads disapproval and judgement before, but this really takes the cake. I was sitting in my room, watching some Let's Play videos on YouTube, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a bug that crept through my window, stood at the base of the windowsill and proceeded to make an awkward hissing sound. Now I am extremely afraid of bugs, but I told myself I'm an adult and going to be on my own soon so I need to buck up and kill it myself. That turned into 20 minutes of me scrambling around looking for a shoe or any sort of object to thrust at it. I crept behind my bed and peeked over, I found myself locking eyes with this disgusting creature. I lunge and miss, proceeding to knock over a small shelf causing a massive amount of noise.
I hear a faint knock on my door and my dad yells from the other side, are you OK? I tell him i'm fine and I can handle this. He doesn't seem to hear me or he doesn't care and walks in anyway. After he came in and stared around my now very messy room he asked if he could help. i'm assuming that the shoe in my hand, the shoe prints on my wall and fallen objects that he figured out what was going on.
We first see the bug sighting near a small book case, that first gets pushed out of the way. Then we see it scamper into my closet, everything gets thrown out. After a few minutes of pushing things aside, we notice it crawl under my bed, he pushes the bed aside, finally knocking over my art supplies sitting on top and behind my drafting table. He cornered it and with one swoop kills it.
I was extremely relieved, but then I realized how much more of a mess he had made, but this is where everything took a very sad, sad turn. He started walking around to help me pick up my art supplies, as he does so he encounters my bottle collection. I've collected about 30- 40 bottles of wine to create a chandelier. He didn't know I was working on it, and picks up the bottles and asks me if I'm drinking now. I'm older than 21 so it's not a crime, but I am the baby in the family and oh if I forgot to mention my father is a pastor at our family church. Drugs sex rock and roll not allowed! So the look of disappointment was one to make anyone cry. After we cleaned that up he followed back behind my bed, and saw a cluster of condoms laying on the floor. I tried to explain that they were old and got them from some handout when I was in college, but it didn't matter, the damage was done. He looks up at me and asks if I was still a virgin, I didn't respond. He took a few minutes and then looked at me again and smiled awkwardly and said lets finish cleaning. I turn to my closet and see the bag of gifts that my friends gave me before I left school. Which was a pair of handcuffs, a nine tail, a variety of blindfolds, 2 butt plugs, a vibrator with multiple tips and lube. So much lube!. It was a gag gift, and I found it to be the perfect going away present, my father on the other hand, well he started welling up. The assorted goodies were all on the floor in front of my closet. He bent down and picked up one of the butt plugs and asked do I use this? I shook my head and said my friends got this for me as a joke. He left with the toy in hand.
I didn't want to follow him out because I had no idea what to say. I got a text from my mom saying what did you do. I explained the whole thing and she said, "your father is now in the garage crying. He walked out of the house holding a butt plug and was crying." A few days later after not speaking nor making eye contact, I try and break the ice by telling him I got some really cool pictures when I went hiking,there on my camera. I leave for a few minutes and when I came back he was in the living-room holding the camera down. I rushed over to see what was wrong and saw that the picture was of our beloved pet dog that had recently passed way. My dad was extremely attached to him and he took it really hard. He handed me the camera back and said, "I just can't do this right now." He hasn't really to me in a while, but has enough time to send me texts asking me to go to church.
TL? DR.: Ask dad to help kill bug he finds an assortment of things not appropriate for a preachers daughter.
Miirkatt: "He walked out of the house holding a butt plug and crying" killed me lol. Anyway, don't worry too much OP, any parent would have a similar reaction regardless of religion. He might not like it, but I'm sure he'll respect your autonomy as an adult and move on. Give it some time.
Swellzombie: Holy crap i think any dad would lose his shit finding 40 wine bottles, a pile of condoms and a cupboard full of sex toys all in 5 minutes.
A_Dads_Dissaproval: True. In my defense I was just asking for him to kill a bug, not come in and find the many dark secrets residing around my bedroom, but i guess that's my fault for not finding a better hiding place.
Swellzombie: I think that he didn't kick you out or try and exercise any demons is a good sign sounds like an ok guy. Hope he comes around soon. :-)
Gamerguy_141297: I think you mean exorcise haha. Though the demon in my closet's getting pretty out of shape too
Swellzombie: Lol I knew it looked funny but in my defence I'm not often up at 2am discussing exorcism.
| 7 | 15.428571 | |
1408251997 | 1408400846 | t3_2ds1tu | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my African American teacher think I said the n word
Ok, this was a couple days ago and I figured you guys would like it. I would also like to make it known that I am not racist in any way so read the story as it is told. Basicly, I was walking to my geometry class from lunch, and I have this friend that we like to play jokes on and whatnot because it is funny and he is a good sport about it. Well, this friend is African American, so I thought it would be funny to walk up behind em and say something to make him believe I called him a "nagger". So I walk up behind em at a jogging pace, and as I pass him I say, "hey what's up neighbor?", thinking it sounded very similar to the word I was trying to make him believe I said. As it turns out, my school counselor happened to be standing nearby and believed that I said "hey what's up n-word". I got called to the office because of using "extremely racist and inappropriate language". My friend came in and vouched for me and I was let off with a warning. Even still, every time I have seen my counselor since she has given me a death stare. She also thinks I'm very racist.
Short version: pranking black friend by saying "hey neighbor" so he thought I said the n-word. Counseler not Amused and calls me to office, awesome friend vouches and bails me out. Now my counseler hates me and thinks I'm rasist.
ieatbabies1: http://m.imgur.com/gallery/gF3b7Ye
[deleted]: That's freaking funny. I'll save that imgur link
| 3 | 2 | |
1408256168 | 1408314730 | t3_2ds63h | t5_2to41 | 64 | DementedMinecraft: TIFU by watching porn on my grandpas computer
So I have been staying at my grandparents for a few days now and my phone won't connect to their internet properly so I was limited to looking at pictures saved on my phone. Earlier today my grandpa offered me his computer and I accepted the offer. After he left the room i pretty quickly got the urge to watch some porn and jerk off, so, I did. After I was gonna clear the history so he wasn't disturbed but, he ended up disturbing me. When I was clearing the history I saw a lot of porn, I mean a lot. Just as much as I watch as a teen boy, hes 70. Oh god I'll never look at him the same way. Some of the titles i read on there lead me to believe my grandpa is into some kinky shit.
TL;DR: Watched porn on my grandpas computer, cleared history, found out my grandpa watches hardcore kinky porn.
WeeabooFgt: Tune in next time for an original [/r/incest](http://www.reddit.com/r/incest) story.
DementedMinecraft: fucks his grand daughter
DVillain: ...What?
DementedMinecraft: Idk man
DVillain: ...Were you being serious? Does he... fuck his granddaughter?
DementedMinecraft: Not that I know of
DVillain: Well that's good then
| 8 | 8 | |
1408257280 | 1408292512 | t3_2ds786 | t5_2to41 | 29 | Carpathian_Vigo: TIFU by blowing a spider
There I was, laying in bed, just moments ago. I'm smoking a few hitters and watching some Always Sunny, when I notice a dark blur creeping into my peripherals from above. I glance up to see a big ass spider descending it's web right in front of my face. My gut instinct was to blow on it as I would any other bug. I blew as forcefully as I could and watched the spider on its thread, almost as if in slow motion, arc out and back straight at my face, like a pendulum swing. I braced for an unpleasant impact and at the last moment swatted it away. There was an audible thwack as it hit my palm and I watched it go flying towards the empty side of my bed... Now I am laying in bed, terrified, just waiting for the little bastard to assault me again.
rqueezy: So after that hard BLOW, did you finish the JOB?
GabenOurSaviour: Someone give this (wo)man a cookie
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1408259251 | 1408307867 | t3_2ds8w7 | t5_2to41 | 304 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my virginity to a prostitute and not being able to finish
So yeah. Today I decided to take the plunge after thinking about it for a while. I'm not going to get into details on why here, but it was a combination of wanting to just do it and not wanting to embarrass myself in front of a girl I actually liked. I found a girl on Craigslist who was pretty well reviewed (turns out they have websites for that) and was attractive, called her, set up a date, and went.
The first sign that I should've seen was when she opened the door. She was obviously.. off. Smiling super huge, exaggerated emotions, all of it. Of course, I was in too deep to back out now, and she was really attractive, so I went for it. I'm not going to go into the nitty gritty of the act, but my biggest fear of popping off early didn't occur - instead, I found myself not being able to finish at all. Maybe it was my Catholic uprbringing, I don't know, but she tried her damndest for 45 minutes and I didn't get close. I actually had to get her to stop by inventing an excuse and saying I had to get somewhere. She nodded, smiled, and everything seemed okay. As I was about to leave, she looked at me, apologized, and said, verbatim "I can't do anything fucking right" and burst into tears. I was already halfway out the door, and before I could do anything, she slammed the door shut. I stood there for about 30 seconds, listening to her wailing, before I decided to just get out of there. So yeah. Now I'm home, still horny, and feel like shit for unintentionally making a prostitute cry.
TL;DR: Met a prostitute, couldn't finish, reminded her of her past failures I guess?
oscarveli: That is whore-ible.
boothdt: Yeah, it really **blows** that he had to put a **red light** on the nights activities. It must have been awkward heading out to the **street**, **walking** away from her. At least she's off the **hook** for cleaning up after him.
oscarveli: Did she at least escort him out?
pllewallen11: Obviously not because her face was WET with tears.
oscarveli: I guess she could not control her whore-mones.
boothdt: She must have been whore-ding her emotions inside and not **exposing** them.
| 7 | 43.428571 | |
1408257357 | 1408346192 | t3_2ds7ab | t5_2to41 | 11 | throwawaycatx3: TIFU by trying to defend the underdog and wound up in the doghouse
Today my boyfriend and I got into it because I decided to open my mouth. We've been dating for over a year.
Backstory - we were at a mutual friends' property to help them do some work on a structure. I am a petite woman, so I generally stayed out of the way while the men did the heavy lifting/welding/etc. Mainly I spent an hour tops dusting and cleaning.
This friends' place has a community feel to it. We party together and always help the owner out by bringing food, supplies, ice, and drinks for the events. Today's work was another way for us all to chip in.
I opted to stay sober and be DD, as we had plans in the evening. One other person stayed sober too (let's call him John). John had brought his two kids with him, since it was his weekend for custody. He balanced working and supervising the kids while they swam. He brought his own water jug and snacks for himself and the kids, even though we had a chest full of water and ordered pizzas for lunch.
Late afternoon, the smokers all realized they were down to their last cigarette between them all. My boyfriend and two others TOLD John he was going to go get cigarettes, since he was sober, even though he had just mentioned getting ready to leave and get his kids home.
Here is where I apparently f-ed up. I felt that the drunk individuals were bullying John into running this errand for him. He wasn't even given the option to say no. I decided to speak up in his defense. This resulted in my boyfriend and another man (both had been drinking) loudly telling me, in a way, to mind my own business, as getting cigarettes would be John's way to contribute and "pay his dues" to the group. I tried to argue that he'd been working and had done plenty already today. I was told that John still needed to contribute for the pizza his kids ate and the smoking HE had done (I never saw him smoking the entire day). I told my boyfriend and his friend that I didn't know about the smoking, but they continued to tell me he owed it. At this point, John wasn't saying yes or no to the task. I felt I had given him the opportunity to speak up when I defended him. Being attacked by my boyfriend and the other friend was completely out of character and I ended up having to walk away to calm down.
When I came back to the group, John was gone and the loud friend approached me to make peace over the disagreement. We both apologized, him for verbally coming after me and me for not knowing all the facts and being wrong to speak up, in that case.
Shortly after, my boyfriend asked to speak with me away from the group. He wanted to try and solve the problem so it wouldn't happen again. He asked me of I was able to admit I was wrong. I tried to explain my initial reasons for defending John and how if he was responsible for smoking, then yes, I was wrong. My boyfriend said he didn't believe me. Instead of moving past the issue, he wanted to keep rehashing the exact details of what we said. I felt that this wasn't helpigng us resolve anything or keep the aegument from happening again. I know he was drunk and this conversation would have been better at a different time and place. I kept trying to explain why I spoke up and that, yes, I would do it again if I felt someone was being ganged up against by the group. Maybe I would be wrong again, but I would rather say something that ignore it.
Apparently, my boyfriend didn't want to hear this. We were away from our group of friends, but in eye sight and yelling distance. He yelled at me that in arguing for John, I made him and all his friends look like assholes. He then stormed away and yelled "Fuck you! You can walk home!" He then went back to all our friends.
Again, this behavior was very out of character. I was really shaken and immediately called my folks to pick me up (they lived 5 minutes away). I thanked the host for letting me help and swim and such and left.
It has only been six hours and I have heard nothing from my boyfriend. I picked up my car, but I have a lot of personal items at his house, including my computer, clothes, and work supplies. We had plans to attend a pancake breakfast early in the morning, but I am sleeping at my parents' tonight.
Tl;dr I tried to defend a friend and my boyfriend blew up at me.
Teotwawki69: TL;DR: Your boyfriend and his friends are assholes. DTMFA, okay?
throwawaycatx3: TIL learned about the acronym DTMFA
Commander_Luka: Please explain then, I'm lost
Teotwawki69: "Dump the motherfucker already," coined by sex advice columnist Dan Savage right around the time he also brought "santorum" into the vernacular.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1408263824 | 1408272729 | t3_2dscha | t5_2to41 | 27 | PlazmaPlatypus: TIFU by telling a girl her butt is fat
-This happened today-
So i come back from my weekend with my mom, im now with my dad where his partner has a 13 year old daughter. I got a new chair from my fathers work and when she came into my room she said, "Oh, your but doesn't fir that chair" Meaning my ass was too small for it. My brain told me that she was saying my ass was so fat that i couldn't fit (which i could).
So in retaliation, i said "well, you got a fat butt as well."
(keep in mind that she is 13, and is tall a fk, and is insecure...lol) She replied with "You know i have insecurities, Oscar so dont push me" Then she started ranting on about her 'insecurities'.
Its funny how girls can be skinny as hell, and still when called fat as a joke (like sarcasm) and they just go batshit. Plus, whats so bad about having a big butt, some boys like that. < For you skinny girls who think they have a fat ass.
NOW WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH THAT BIG FAT BUTT.....WIG- no no, i wont do that to you guys
ieatbabies1: But did you have sex?
PlazmaPlatypus: No, i eatbabies1.....we didn't. But im more concerned about what you have been doing
ieatbabies1: Me? I'm harmless. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
PlazmaPlatypus: Well your mouth isn't.....lol
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1408263601 | 1408264426 | t3_2dsccf | t5_2to41 | 8 | laurel_L: TIFU by making a homeless man think that I was going to hurt him
ieatbabies1: You're **Asian**.
You're **female**.
And you're driving! Who wouldn't be scared? God.
laurel_L: hahaha, I was expecting this comment! Thanks for making me laugh :)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408265472 | 1408292835 | t3_2dsdq5 | t5_2to41 | 46 | TheGraveSin: TIFU by introducing myself at work.
So im a waitress and multitasking a lot can have some bad results at times. My bf has a good guy friend that visits a lot with his son, ive never met the kids mom before until.today when she came into eat. I recognized her from pics and was planning on introducing myself, we'll call her ex paul and my bf steve, so i was torn between saying hey "im one of paul's friends" and "im Steves girlfriend" and while filling up drinks my brain came up with "im one of steves girlfriends" ..... the look i recieved was an interesting one and it took my brain another 2 seconds to recognize what came out of my mouth. Before I could explain myself, another customer interupted me and lo and behold...she was left with that wonderful first impression of me. If nothing else, this should be a funny story to tell my bf.
Bagaratoni: Maybe she'll think your Mormon.
roytheshort: Her Mormon what?
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1408265811 | 1408266717 | t3_2dsdya | t5_2to41 | 14 | Turnoverr: TIFU by reading Fifty Shades of Gray aloud in my bedroom while my parents were in town.
Long story short, I was reading a violent sex scene aloud to myself, and a friend, in my living room, and then my parents walked in through the front door and heard me making the moaning sounds and sexual dialogue. It was really awkward after that.
I immediately took my parents out to dinner and tried to play it off, but they clearly weren't too happy. I had to give an hour's worth of explaining as I drove them to the restaurant of their choice before they stopped giving me weird looks. Which means, I fucked up pretty badly, because my parents never give me weird looks.
The reason as to why I was doing it is because the friend that was with me at the time had challenged me to do it since I had challenged him to snort fun dip earlier (for science). I wasn't expecting my parents to come until the next day, so I did it willingly. That would be where I fucked up.
But, all's good, I got $50 from him for fucking up so badly. And I got to use that $50 in taking my parents out to dinner, so... mission accomplished?
Mrordinary1: How old are you exactly?
Turnoverr: 26.
Mrordinary1: Similar thing happened to me. I was 15 though.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1408268384 | 1408295559 | t3_2dsfqn | t5_2to41 | 9 | DanceToCellDivision: TIFU by playing a song involving shoving plumbs up your bum while my parents and their friends were over
So my parents and their friends came over and I was really drunk. My room is right next to the lounge room. My friend sent my this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrBj3u5dPgM) and I watched it on full volume with everyone nextdoors lol. This was like an hour ago so im still very drunk
UPDATE: I was drunk as shit and forgot how to spell plum
imabunnyrabbit: what are plumbs?
serpentwhistler: Yeah, he screwed up the setup and ruined the plumb line. Or he messed with a bum and fucked up the butt line.
| 3 | 3 | |
1408274086 | 1408331518 | t3_2dsjna | t5_2to41 | 380 | [deleted]: TIFU by sticking my dick where it doesn't belong
Im a college student, and since the semester is out all we've been doing is partying. I live in a house with 3 other guys and one of their girlfriends but recently the couple gave been hitting a rough patch. Last night there was a party with a ridiculous amount of colombians (probably like 10-15) and the cops came and shut the party down because it was so loud, which leads to a couple of stragglers coming to my place along with my roommates.
Someone went on a liquor run and bought aguardiente (a great colombian rum) and everyone in the house got really drunk off of it, I didn't imagine anyone to wake up before noon so I invited my hosemates gf to spend the night with me since her bf had gone to sleep already.
Long story short we ended up having sex until daybreak just now and we hear her phone buzz..... Its her boyfriend. Aka my next door housemate.
We got dressed as fast as possible but then we hear a knock on my door. The room is a mess, the bed has no sheets on it, and I go to hide in the bathroom where he can't see me.
I dont know what happened but she's gone and im in the bathroom with the door closed just chillin to make it look like I wasnt up here all night. Im still pretty buzzed off the guaro but I think I fucked up.
That_Inner_Voice: If he finds out just tell him she trip, fell, and landed on your dick. You tried to lift her off but since you was weak from being drunk the half-ass lifts you attempted created an up and down motion and that resulted in you having and unexpected orgasm. This is a totally believable story. If someone told me this I would believe it.
mclollolwub: Upvote for Slim Shady LP reference
PuddingAuxRais1ns: Which song?
freakyllama: I believe it is "guilty conscience" with slim and dre. man that song cracks me up!
| 5 | 76 | |
1408276930 | 1408296308 | t3_2dslt8 | t5_2to41 | 366 | AwkwardBlockage: TIFU by trying to get rid of some awkward evidence.
Using a throw-away because after this I don't think I can face anymore embarrassment. Ok a bit of background, I was an 18 year old boy (now 23) when this happened, living my mom and sister. When I was 18 my sister was going off to live with her fiancee, but she still wanted a room back at our house which of course was fine. So what we did, because she had the nicest room, was let me and her switch rooms. This was going to take quite a large family effort to move beds round and cupboards etc. Now me being the 18 year old geeky virgin that I was, I had a lot of, let's say, "evidence" of some solo nocturnal activities, lying around my bedroom (under my bed etc.) So before we had the big move around I had to get rid of this evidence without anyone knowing, so I waited till they went out for work for the day. Now there was quite a lot of this evidence, but because I had left it till quite late in the day, I rushed it and put it all in the toilet at once. Now of course a toilet is used to having a decent amount of tissue put down it, but this was a herculean task. So in one big lump this DNA covered stuff went straight into the toilet. It was far to much. The toilet instantly blocked up and the water straight away overflowed and flooded the bathroom with tissue. It was about 10 minutes before my mom would be back from work. So I had two options, I come clean and ruin our relationship forever or blame it on a mammoth shit. Now of course with the mammoth shit approach that had to be some evidence of fecal matter, so I decided to get some HP sauce (brown sauce type stuff for you non-Brits) and mix a bit up with the tissuey mess. Now what I hadn't realised was that my sister hadn't actually gone out for work, instead she had stayed home with the flu or something like that, there's me bending over squeezing hp sauce over spunk covered Klenex as my sister walks in. She just starred at me, and me at her, "say nothing" I said in my scariest voice. When my mom got home I explained the Krakatoa shit story, and my sister went along with it. Now my sister is married and we still haven't mentioned that fateful day.
EDIT: I say Mom because I'm from the midlands!!
Jacklemore1: > I decided to get some HP sauce (brown sauce type stuff for you non-Brits)
> When my mom
WHAT ARE YOU THEN
GhandiHadAGrapeHead: English...?
Krynique: We don't say 'mom'
It's mum, ma or mother.
GhandiHadAGrapeHead: I'm English and I say mom, it's a regional thing
Krynique: Never heard anyone English say it
Whereabouts are you from? It could just be an Americanism you've picked up.
AshMashMash: Or [midlands](http://www.reddit.com/r/unitedkingdom/comments/2cyocb/mum_mom_or_mam_dialectal_map_of_the_uk_using/)?
Krynique: I've known a few people from the midlands, not yet heard it. Maybe they just say it funny, or I block it out, idk.
Dusty_Star: I live in the midlands and it drives me nuts - everyone pronounces it as mum but spell it with an o
| 9 | 40.666667 | |
1408277458 | 1408298217 | t3_2dsm9p | t5_2to41 | 10 | Tigertroll14: TIFU by eating toilet paper and being called out by my parents in public
Ok so this happened just a couple hours ago.
I was at a diner with my parents and I noticed my watch had a blemish on it. As it's a new watch and I want it to look great I take a piece of paper, dip it in water, and before I could clean the watch my parents ask me if I'm going to eat the piece of paper..... I look back at them with a dumbfounded face, and they continue to explain (rather loudly may I add) that I eat toilet paper all the time. The waitress is right there and they continue to explain they have to clean the bathroom and find eaten toilet paper. Now I go into deny deny deny mode, but by now the whole diner is snickering and the waitress asks if we need more coffee... Had to do the walk of shame getting out of that diner, and can never show my face again.
So TIFU by having a weird addiction.
TLDR; diner, parents embarrass me and whole dinner snickers, can never show my face again.
cherylannmarie: If they're finding chewed up toilet paper then you're not actually eating it right?
Tigertroll14: Yes.... I have a problem
Username__Irrelevant: wat.
No but really; why? Just toilet paper or any paper?
A_Pony: Toilet paper feels good the way it melts in your mouth and the odd taste.
Username__Irrelevant: Don't know if you're joking or this is a weirdly common addiction...
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1408288485 | 1408489410 | t3_2dsr63 | t5_2to41 | 12 | tornadoblewmydickoff: who am i convincing, its probably never gonna be cool.
soalone34: She should forgive you, you were drunk to the point where you don't even remember it happening, it makes no sense to hold a grudge for it.
klabboy: Just because you get drunk and don't remember shit doesn't excuse the person's actions. This guy/girl should pay for her MacBook and everything that got ruined.
soalone34: I agree it's only right to pay for those, but once again there's a difference between being drunk, blacking out, than peeing on someone's macbook likely without knowing, and being completely sober and aware and purposefully peeing on the mac book
klabboy: Well of course. Ones you just being a dumbass. The other one is you being a fucking asshole who needs to get beaten. Pissing on someone's shit while sober is just like omg...,
soalone34: Than like I said before, why hold a grudge against it?
| 6 | 2 | |
1408284568 | 1408336711 | t3_2dst5v | t5_2to41 | 4,473 | Zymaxid: TIFU by kicking my husband in the balls.
Background info: I've done martial arts since I was a kid. My husband appreciates that and we play-wrestle sometimes for kicks and giggles. Well, the other day hubby was standing in the bedroom by the dresser watching the news, so I thought that I'd stroll up and lightly tap/kick his stomach and initiate some fun times. Except I was wearing a pair of skinny jeans, didn't get my leg up high enough and I ended up kicking him in the balls. Also, I snapped the kick at the end from pure muscle memory.
The poor guy dropped to the ground and was in a fetal position for several minutes, just looking up at me like "wtf, wife?!". I feel horrible. =(
Edit: thanks for the gold, kind internet stranger!
TheFightGoes0n: ***It's time to break out the TIFU repair kit, husband edition.***
Have you fucked up today? Need to fix your issue quickly? Follow these steps:
1. Attend to him and if he asks for space, give it to him.
2. Whatever he wants to do today, do it. If he wants you to get in hooker heels and whore it up for his entertainment, make it happen. In fact, I would start getting ready now.
3. Treat him. If he wants to see a dude movie, play paintball, or fish until his heart is content, then get ready to get sweaty and be his bait bitch.
Note: The TIFU repair kit, husband edition does not apply for serious threats to the relationship such as cheating, overspending, or DEFCON -1 level issues. You kicked the man in his progeny; assuming that it heels ;) just right, you've got some groveling to do babe. Get to it!
Edit: If you act now, we'll throw in the nut nuzzler, ultragag 5000, and the oral explosion maker. Call now!
Zymaxid: Aye aye, captain!
AnEpiphanyTooLate: I can't hear you!
fawkingdeathhimself: Oohhh... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
your_mind_aches: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
zue3: Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!
TheGiraffeRider: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
Shmell_my_finger: If nautical nonsense be something you wish!
TheGiraffeRider: SPONGEBAHB SQUAREPAHNTS
GuruGold: Then drop on he deck, and blub like a fish!
TeamAlice: SPONGBOB SQUAREPANTS
robotortoise: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
robotortoise: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
robotortoise: SPONGE--BOB.....SQUARE-PAAAAAAAAAANTS!
robotortoise: Doo do doo dooo dooo do dooo do.
Ar har arhar!
| 16 | 279.5625 | |
1408285194 | 1408287020 | t3_2dsttr | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by drifting in front of a cop.
Another_Fevered_Ego: If I want to impress a girl while in a car I just whip my dick out. Allot of woman, even prude ones will go for the bait. You have to set it up correctly of course otherwise your just a creep who exposes himself to woman in his car.
sie_nennen_mich_Lars: If I was evil, I could probably put you on some list.
Another_Fevered_Ego: If I was any good at using gifs I would so use Walter white saying you got me!
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1408286567 | 1408289945 | t3_2dsvfk | t5_2to41 | 102 | throwawayoneuno: TIFU by telling my wife that another woman wouldn't find her attractive.
After three months of the neighbor's boyfriend being deployed we confirmed our suspicions that the neighbor is homosexual, every other weekend when her daughter is at her ex-husband's house, Tasha has had a girlfriend over to stay. At first we didn't think anything of it as they would always be off doing stuff during the day. However as we began to notice that Tasha's friend always left before her daughter got home we began to speculate that Tasha liked woman too. Last night we were on our way out to skinny dip in our pool then have sexy time under the stars, when we saw the blinds were not closed all the way in Tasha's house and we saw Tasha with her head in the lap of her friend. Of course I popped to attention, my wife noticed and told me not to get any ideas, as she would never sleep with Tasha. I was thinking that all of Tasha's girlfriends were Latina's and my wife is a true redheaded Irish lass, so I blurted out, "Tasha wouldn't want you either." That ended what was going to be a fun time and my wife still hasn't spoken to me since.
soalone34: Dude, why didn't you just follow up saying "because you're a red head, she's only been with latina's"
A lot of the fuck ups that get posted here, like this one, seem like they could easily be solved if you just followed up with finishing your thoughts.
khalidhaddad: because then.. it wouldnt be a /r/tifu !
| 3 | 34 | |
1408289045 | 1408289638 | t3_2dsyn8 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my father my boob. [nsfw]
So I had a dressing gown on after coming out of the shower and was playing the guitar. I'd wanted to show my dad a new song I'd learned (Pinball Wizard if you're interested). I was sorta hunched over the neck so I could concentrate and unbeknownst to me my gown slipped and my left boob was hanging freely for a few minutes. It wasn't until I'd finished that I noticed it there. Whoops.
kelly_huckaby: Your father sat there and waited for you to finish playing with your boob on display without saying anything?
[deleted]: ^
Wut?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408289573 | 1408369410 | t3_2dsze9 | t5_2to41 | 217 | FaceTheContrast: TIFU by being an ackward freshman and rejecting a hot, popular girl..
Believe it or not, this TIFU did not happen today.
IMFYIFU
In my freshman year i fucked up...
So at point in freshman year, while with friends, some girl walked over and was like "___ wanted me to give you this". She pointed at some hot girl and handed me a piece of paper with her number.
Since i was ackward and unpopular at the time I assumed i was being fucked with. I walked over and looked at her and was like
"Is this the number of a pizza company or something?" She was just like "What?", not understanding, so i laughed and walked away.
A few months later I was talking to a friend of mine, and the girl walked up. I had forgotten about it but remembered "the prank". I said hi to her, and my friend laughed and said "Dont talk to her, shes too good for you." The girl sighed and said "Actually, he rejected me for pizza." Then walked away.
Fuck. Not only did i feel like an ass, she was fucking hot.
windowlicked: Man, I would reject every girl for pizza.
A_Pony: Pizza is actually better
I_Am_Towel: And less bitchy.
therealpeej3: Pizza doesn't argue with you over bullshit. Therefore I am taking pizza.
thisnameisclever_not: Pizza doesn't judge you. Pizza loves you for who you are.
therealpeej3: Pizza will always be there. /r/foreverpizza
| 7 | 31 | |
1408275674 | 1408292340 | t3_2dskte | t5_2to41 | 4 | RXJuday: TIFU by getting drunk.
First off, please no hate comments just because of my age(which is 14). This was the first time I got drunk, and god it was so awful, I never plan on doing it again any time soon.
So, me and my friends wanted to say goodbye to summer in a fun way, so we decided to have a pool party, with poker and snacks. But we wanted to have a private party, so we had to host it at someones place. So Girl#1 said she had a pool and water hoses and water guns and plenty of room for us to chill. So we agreed and host it at her place.
We arrive at her place, and then we began a water fight, we chill, we play a little bit of poker. Then my friend, Guy#1 said
"Dude, i know this guy, we pay him and we can get liquor in here"
I said "sure, never got drunk before, this will be fun!" and then Guy#1 calls the "dealer" and says it will be there in 10 minutes. In the meantime we have another water fight, we swim a little, you know, fun stuff.
Then Guy#1's phone rings, says its here. Sure thing, me and him go to get it, pay the guy, take the liquor (1.75L of Jim Beam). So we go back at the party, we ask who's gonna drink with us, and then Guy#2, 3 and 4 come to chill with us.
We set the poker table, begin playing.
Then we pour some whiskey to each one of us who was going to drink. We only had [these big 1 litre plastic cups](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/81pTxPABtoL._SL1500_.jpg) so we pour it in those, but only a little bit.
So there it goes. First cup, second cup: things started to be fun.
Third cup, forth cup: things started to get weird.
Fifth cup, sixth cup: things started to get worse
Then the seventh cup and i was gone.
My friends told me that after that i went in the pool, and when i tried to get out, I hit my head on the side of the pool, and then they said that I completely changed. That I was beyond recognisable as the former me.
And also I broke a swing and some glasses, i think.
Then Girl#1's dad comes along, gives me water, and tells me that he ordered a taxi, and that i should go home, take a shower, and go to sleep.
The morning after nobody except Guy#1,2 and 3 would talk to me.
takenoprisoner: At least you didn't puke to the pool.
RXJuday: See, the thing is, I'm not sure that I didn't do it.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408290617 | 1408327186 | t3_2dt0uo | t5_2to41 | 102 | Zezano: TIFU by bringing the condom home where my pet skunk lay in wait.
So I lost my virginity in typical nervous fashion and my girlfriend refused to put the condom in her bin incase her parents found it. I wrapped it up in a tissue and bought it home in my bag. I left the bag on the floor.
At this point it's worth mentioning that I own a pet skunk. Anyone familiar with skunks will know that they're scavengers who will dig through, and by extension, eat, anything. I went into my room to find my bag open, with the tissue strewn across the floor and no condom to be found.
I stayed up 3 days straight monitoring the skunks toilet habits before eventually giving up and sleeping on the 4th night. My mum discovered a used condom in the skunks litter tray that night and didn't speak to me for days. Of all the ways for a mother to find out her 15 year old son is sexually active this was possibly the strangest, so I don't blame her.
This happened a couple years ago now and has become somewhat of a family joke but I felt this was the best subreddit to share.
TL:DR - My pet skunk ate my used condom and shit it out when I fell asleep. This is how my mum found out I was sexually active.
trampabroad: Why God do you have a pet skunk?
Zezano: It was my mums idea... I have no idea why.
Jimmyjim12: How do you keep it from spraying everywhere
Zezano: When it was born, the breeder had the glands which produce the smell (They start on the outside) removed. It's a bit barbaric in my opinion, but it's illegal now and we're one of only 2/3 households in the UK who own a pet skunk so I guess it's not so bad.
Jimmyjim12: So it stills sprays it just doesn't smell?
Zezano: It cannot spray at all. It has a natural musky smell, a little like a ferret - but it's not so bad unless he's hot or wet. Good lord don't get him wet.
Jimmyjim12: Hahaha he's like a gremlin. Can you feed him after midnight?
| 8 | 12.75 | |
1408291137 | 1408292962 | t3_2dt1m5 | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by pranking my stepdad resulting in a nutshot
Ok, so this may take some explaining to make it clear what I did so bear with me. My stepdad and I have a weird relationship, we often joke with each other and prank each other when we can, so this time wasn't any different. He had a movie on and had his eyes glued to his phone so I knew he wasn't gonna look up unless I got his attention. So, I pulled my left arm into my jacket sleeve and (while under the cover of my jacket) slipped my hand into my pants and stuck my thumb out the zipper hole of my pants (which looked like a penis). I walked up to em and called his name causing to look up. He screamed WHAT THE F$&@!!! And threw a punch to my crotch. It's been about thirty minutes and i am barely able to type this post due to the sheer pain from my semi exploded testicle.
Short version: made my stepdad think I flashed him my junk, got punched in the walnuts resulting in sheer pain for over half an hour.
soalone34: Does he normally react to naked people by violently attacking them?
BlueD_: Imagine the scene of terror at a nudist camp
[deleted]: He threw a full force punch at the sight of my thumb (which he thought was a penis). Asking him if he has experiences with such things would be extremely awkward so I'll leave that subject be.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1408292526 | 1408364614 | t3_2dt3kx | t5_2to41 | 12 | madvoy97: TIFU when i masturbated my cat took bite on my dick. NSFW
heads up to the readers, this is my first time writing a story so if it's a little wonky or not appealing i apologize.
My Friday night is the usual Friday night where I get down on myself. I am currently 16 so... it's natural for us teens to be sexually active, so in order to maintain my control, I do the five knuckle shuffle ;D. In my room I have 3 male cats since my mom loves cats but separating these 3 from the other 37 which are outside my room because they'll fight.
lets get to the chase
it was the last day before the weekend starts, generally i too get excited for it. for me its the day where i throw out my stress. its becoming a routine now. i collect any bullshit my mom and teachers gave me and dump it all in a tissue. today was a lucky day but not so in the end,i was heading home and usually i use the hallway exiting the school, while walking I spotted in front of me was my latest crush and her friend. I'm quite shy when its comes to my crushes and usually avoid them but since it was the last day and i was a bit tired i thought i might just walk pass her this time. as i was walking she accidentally dropped her book. she was wearing a skirt today so a common reaction was to kneel down for the book, but that moment when she knelled, her top part was exposed. i happened to walk pass her and out of god's miracle caught a glimpse of her double D wish-I-could-motorboat breasts. i felt a rush of excitement running down to my pants and before you know it i had my private standing at attention. this sign of hope gave me some motivation to throw my stress out early. i rushed towards the exit door while covering my bone with my books. my house was only a block away from my school so as soon after the school door closed I dashed my way back home. reaching home i greeted my mom with a "I'm back", ignoring her reply i headed straight to my room. one of the cats was on the bed silently lying there. before i could get it started i had to prepare. first i locked the room door, second was to grab my lube and tissue under my bed and lastly turn on my laptop on and pay a visit to my favorite porn website. i couldn't wait any longer so i position my laptop facing my right side on my bed and climbed on the bed, i poured a squeeze of lube on to my hand rubbed it all around the sword then put 2 sheets of tissue on the tip, then covered it all with soft thin blanket. i started searching for a video and spotted a voluptuous blonde girl(like my crush) riding a guy, my usual videos are PO V's just because it brings a close up on the girl and makes me feels that I'm actually there. i started off slowly just as the video does, the girl stroking him nice and slow and gradually leads to a blowjob, this is usually my favorite part because i know what a hand-job feels and it would just let my imagination flow. after he got hard i was pretty stiff as well. she quickly took her clothes revealing her womanhood (which added my horn status) and climbed on top of him. she gave a great moan as she was entering him and began her joyful ride. the video progressed as i too progressed my pace. the video was quite long, around 15 minutes but i was ready to release when ten minutes had gone by. so for the next five long agonizing minutes i did what i call a stutter jerk where i stroke to where I'm going to climax and stop for a while until the feeling fades a little then start stroking again maintaining on the climax zone until the video comes to that happy ending. the man gave a small grunt lifting her out of him giving the signal it is time. the girl then crouched between his legs stroking him hard as she could with her mouth wide open begging for his love juice. the same time it surpassed the climax zone and close to ejaculation. the man gave a few grunts notifying he's cumming, at the same time I too was about to ejaculate, so I closed my eyes and let my mind picture my crush stroking me. I could feel the intense pleasureful moment and as it was about to release i felt a huge sting on the tip of the iceberg. i opened my eyes and in shock saw my cat biting on the pole i was just stroking. His teeth passed through the blanket, then the tissues and into my skin, it dug in really deep, so deep that it took his whole mouth to open wide so he could release me. i gave him a hard tap on the head enough for him to cower away under the bed. i lift up my blanket and in horror saw four deep black holes gushing out a stream of blood. I quickly reacted and applied 6 tissues on it making a wrap around the tip. i went to the bathroom which was across my room holding on to my bleeding Johnson. i tried washing away the blood but the stream wouldn't stop. i thought strangely i felt no pain, i regretted ever saying because shortly after four pricking stings slowly came around my penis. At this point i had no choice but to tell the dilemma to the person who knows what to do in this situation.i wobbled my way into the kitchen where my mom was chatting away with her friend, i wobbled in front of her. nervously I tapped her shoulder so she could face me. she spun around, her eyes widen as she saw down below was me holding a rolled up tissue of dripping blood around my privates. she demanded what happened. after i hesitated for a while, i reluctantly confessed what had happened.
sanjeetsuhag: > i opened my eyes and in shock saw my cat biting on the pole i was just stroking. His teeth passed through the blanket, then the tissues and into my skin, it dug in really deep, so deep that it took his whole mouth to open wide so he could release me.
I fell down laughing.
madvoy97: im glad, it was my full intention lol
| 3 | 4 | |
1408294150 | 1408416673 | t3_2dt5w4 | t5_2to41 | 275 | [deleted]: Tifu by waterboarding myself with a vagina
Tl;dr cunningulus in the shower led to passing out due to oxygen deprivation
So this happened Thursday me and the gf got home sweaty and stinky from a day out and horny. So lets shower and why not kill two birds with one stone, so we get in and as usual ladies first so i start with the hand and after i get her going i decide it'd be a great idea to get down om my knees and perform cunningulus on the lovely lady. So i go at it, water is splashing down on my head so everytime i take a break i didnt get much, not to mention the weird angle my head was at, it all contributed to me getting suddenly lightheaded so i decided stand up, get some air. Brain says pass out, i oblige...woke up naked my girlfriend staring down in horror at what her vagina had done. Sexy time was postponed. About 15 minutes of rest and i was alright.
marshmallowwisdom: *twaterboarding
potajedechicharo: Brilliant
DarkClock: Your so british its CUTE
_Rodrigo_: *[You're](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13FV1GaA20I) ^you're^you're^you're^you're^you're^you're^you're^you're
DarkClock: Dos my incorekt grammr bother yoo?
_Rodrigo_: Nah, because you're trying too hard. I love /r/dolan and /r/spurdo so broken English is hilarious to me.
But mistakes like *your/you're*, *their/they're/there*, *it's/its*, *then/than*, etc.... I just cringe. Good thing there's [CM Punk's Grammar Slam](http://www.nerdist.com/vepisode/exclusive-cm-punk-lays-down-a-grammar-slam/).
DarkClock: Ok. Thanks for linking me to r/spurdo. Never been there before.
| 8 | 34.375 | |
1408294085 | 1408297586 | t3_2dt5sr | t5_2to41 | 6 | Jaypalm: TIFU by blowing hot candle wax in my face
I do pick up cattering when I'm home over the summer. Last night (after midnight, so still technically today) I was working at a wedding reception. The guests had all left, most of the decorations and what not were cleaned up, and the wedding planner was going around collecting the last of her decor, which was mostly candles. There were probably a couple hundred of them, the little tea-cup candle pucks that accrue melted wax right around the flame. Well anyway, I began to help her blow them out and got through quite a few with out incident. Then I got a little cocky or excited or something and decided to try to get two out with one blow. I leaned in close--the two candles were touching--and blew really hard. Unfortunately, I blew so hard that the hot melted wax from both candles sprayed back and covered my entire face and the some of my hair. A lot of it also got in my eyes too, which was very much the suck.
I must have looked like a pornstar.
The planner watched the entire thing, amused, and told me that she had done the same thing earlier and should have warned me.
On the bright side though I got to take a succulent home in a sprite can to add to my van farm, so totally worth it.
soalone34: Did it hurt
Jaypalm: It kinda felt like getting a bit of dirt in your eye, maybe a bit less sharp feeling though. They wax hardened pretty much instantly.
| 3 | 2 | |
1408291160 | 1408352842 | t3_2dt1n6 | t5_2to41 | 28 | BottledApple: TIFU by allowing my younger, smaller neighbour to protect me from a crazed drug addict.
I mean really. I'm a grown woman of 40! She's even smaller than me and only in her 20s!
The communal door was being beaten hard and my buzzer was going crazy...and we both (neighbour and I) poked our heads out of our respective apartment doors and looked at one another like wtf?
We went down the stairs all creeping and scared and through the frosted glass, we could see a man's figure...a biggish man...and then for some reason she suddenly sort of grew taller...then she bounded up to the door, flung it open and blocked me from the cracked open exit.
There was a man of about 30 standing....or staggering there...he was off his face, clutching a wad of cash in one hand and a bottle of cider in the other..
He pointed at my neighbour and said "Move. I'm goin' up there." and gestured to my apartment above.
She said "No. You're not. Off you go now." in a kind but firm voice. I was all shivering behind her and she was like a (small) rock.
He then tried to shove her out of the way all mumbling and shouting in a weird way... swearing and stuff...and my heart was going crazy....then she shoved him in the throat! The throat! And he fell on his ass.
Then she said "Bye now!" and shut the door.
It might not seem much but it was scary! My husband was out and my children were in my apartment...the stairs aren't big so he could have gained access very quickly if he'd really wanted to or if he'd not been shoved in the neck!
I thanked her so many times but she just laughed and said her Dad was scarier than that guy when she was growing up. I still feel crappy though. I should have been more proactive or something....but I'm not a tall or well built woman either!
I think there were dealers here before us as we've had a few dodgy late night buzzes.
Dancegames: Dont take youth so lightly, Shes 20, You`re 40. So shes stronger and faster than you. and can heal a Lot quicker.
But. I am glad to see this worked out, its good to find happy endings
BottledApple: This is only sometimes true! At 40, my husband is definitely stronger and faster than my 22 year old nephew. And I'm a very fit 40....she's not that fit. It's all relevant. She's bloody brave though!
Dancegames: Ahh. I didnt expect that </3 Good for you though!
Most people I know 40+ dont take care of themselves _At all_ and have everything from brittle bones to not being able to lift stuff and back problems.
BottledApple: no it's true. A lot of my friends of 40-50 are overweight, weak and generally tired. I cycle about 10 miles a day and do yoga.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1408295816 | 1408343866 | t3_2dt8fe | t5_2to41 | 20 | Jiltedjohn: TIFU By grabbing a boob
Well not today ... but in the near past. Waiting to cross a busy street in NYC , cars tearing down the road. I see a lull in the traffic & step forward but withdraw as I see a car speeding towards me. The lady next to me instinctively moved forward with my motion but was too distracted by her phone to realize that she was walking into the car's trajectory. Panicking I threw out my arm to block her ... unfortunately she walked boob first into my outstretched palm. She looked up startled , confused as to why my hand was touching her boob but simultaneously recognizing that I saved her from injury and mumbles "thanks" with a clear undertone of "get your damn stinking paw off my chest" .
I may just have to move.
fancifulhamster22: Sounds like all around win to me:
Saved a life
Touched boob
Wheres the fuck up?
Jiltedjohn: Yea in isolation it sounds great. But given that it was an inadvertent (& non consensual) boob grab combined with my general social awkwardness the good deed feels diiiiirtttttyyyy.
On top of that I got non stop teasing/reenactments from my SO on whether I'd also "accidentally" squeezed the boob.
fancifulhamster22: if that was me and you saved me from getting my ass flattened id be cool with the accidental boobage but, hey, im not every chick.
TheGwolo: careful, someone might try to push you into traffic to save you with tit grabbing action now.
fancifulhamster22: As long as I dont eat asphalt and car parts, im good.
TheGwolo: haha, I like you. You're good people.
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1408295539 | 1408296940 | t3_2dt7zj | t5_2to41 | 3 | jusfunky: TIFU by asking my wife if it's girls night out.
Karpman: Ouch indeed my friend, ouch indeed. I've been there myself. Here is the thing to ask yourself after a fuckup: why? You obviously know it's something important, so why forget?
jusfunky: I know why I put it in the back of my head it was because Cole's boss, who passed, was a complete jerk to my wife a long time ago. I never liked the guy.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408296718 | 1408298028 | t3_2dt9sm | t5_2to41 | 5 | Glorkus: tifu by putting a used condom in my ass to prank my girlfriend into thinking I was gay.
cherylannmarie: This has to be one of the most fucked up things I have read.
Glorkus: Fucked up that she doesn't believe me?
cherylannmarie: Why the hell would you go thru that entire process to prank your gf into thinking your gay?
Glorkus: I thought it'd be hilarious.
| 5 | 1 | |
1408298215 | 1408325972 | t3_2dtc0l | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by spilling diet coke on my best friend's computer
Last night I was at a jam session with my best friend and bandmate/music producing partner. We were on the past week's fourth all night session on a new track we were working on (we make electronic dance music). Anyway, we starting working around 8pm last night and this happened around maybe six in the morning. It was my turn at the decks and had just finished laying the foundation for a new part of the song, and all was sounding really good. My friend has been producing a bit longer than me, so he wanted to quickly hop in to fine tune something.
Now I'm normally the type of person that for some dumb ocd reason is always anal about capping my drinks, even though it's illogical considering I never cap a glass when I'm drinking out of one, and the opening in the bottle is much smaller anyway, but I always do anyway. Well I guess not always, because for some reason I left my bottle open last night. The same principals hold true for keeping drinks by my computer, I usually move it right away whenever I see someone else puts a drink by a computer, and usually never keep my own drinks there.
Well for some other careless reason, I left my uncapped bottle right next to his computer, a MacBook Pro 15 inch.
As I moved out of the way for my friend to hop in the session, I must have jerked my arm in a graceful display of my uncoordinated motor skills, and I knocked over the bottle of diet coke, cap peacefully on the table undisturbed. Now the bottle was almost empty, but a splash of it hit the keyboard.
We had the music playing at the time, and we both mini-panicked, and dabbed up all the water with some napkins we had left over from dinner. The computer kept going and the music was bumping, so we thought we were all good. God were we dumb. So we keep jamming for like 15-20 more minutes, and then all of a sudden the command button stops working, and random functions in the program we were using stopped working, like some key was being held down and preventing any other keys from being pressed, or things from being clicked on, etc.
We then were able to get the file to save, and proceeded to restart the computer, hoping it was an coincidentally timed glitch in the software, although both holding our breaths and fearing the worst. When the computer came back on, it went to the login screen, which it normally doesn't do, just logging in automatically. When trying to enter the password, the form box sort of strobed and made a glitchy pitched noise for a second or two, and then allowed us to select the password form box. When we tried to type in the password, none of the keys seemed to be working, and it would make an error alert ding when any key was pressed. We then turned it off again.
At this point the true nature of the situation had begun to sink in. Our jam session was over. The files were in the computer (while probably will be ok, we can't use or access them at this point, and the vibe is totally killed for what would have been a great night).
At this point we google spills on keyboards, and are informed we should have turned the computer off right away, turned it upside down, and left it off for 72 hours.
We then turned it upside down and some droplets of diet coke seemed to coalesce near the keys...
At this point we're both feeling really bad, and I'm wanting to kick my own ass. This guy has been the most generous and considerate friend I've ever had. He needs this computer for work, and had just gotten an offer to pitch some robot sounds for a friend's movie, would could bring in some income, and that work was in there too and needs to be presented on Monday. I offered for him to take my computer, even though I need it for my job too, and now may have to buy him a new computer or pay for the repairs.
The timing of all of this was further improved due to the fact that two weeks ago was my last week at my steady office job, having left mainly to go back to freelance work, a risk I took to try to get to the next level in my career. I have a bunch of projects in the pipeline, but all of this month's big projects got pushed to next month, and while I have a few things going right now, they're all pretty low pay. The nature of my job means you often don't get paid until the last day of a production, or in some cases net 30. Now, after paying rent/bills earlier this month, I'm down to like $60. There is a strong possibility I have some good paying gigs coming soon, which is why I left my other job in the first place, so I'm not worried long term, but depending on the verdict of this computer situation, I'm going to be in a real pinch across the board, as I planned for possibly be low on cash for a couple months, but not for a huge expense like this.
Anyway, we looked on apple's website and the earliest genius appointment wasn't until this afternoon. They open at 11am today, so he's going in first thing to try to get in if he can. So now I wait to hear back on what the damages are to see just how fucked I am. I'll be sweating bullets for the next 15 minutes until possibly this afternoon, depending on when they can look at the computer. I'm sure my friend is waiting in the parking lot to go in now.
Not sure what I'm going to do. I feel completely sick right now and pretty much want to disappear. I'm sure this will be just another obstacle in life, but man I'm nervous as this could really put me in a stressful and difficult situation. I'm supposed to fly back to Chicago next month to be best man in my brother's wedding, +throwing him bachelor party, hotel, tux rental, etc. Don't have my ticket yet, which I've already been worried about affording, let alone the rest. No clue what I'm going to do now, so anyway yeah, TIFU. Keeping my fingers crossed and sweating bullets until I hear the verdict.
TLDR:
Spilled my drank like an idiot, looks foreboding for friend's work/music computer, failing at life completely
MeSpeaksNonsense: I really helpful tip: if it's under warranty, DO NOT tell them you spilled anything. Let it dry, put a lot of rice over it, and then go to the store. Liquids short stuff, but if it isn't wet, they can't tell what caused the short, defaulting to manufacturing error. As it was just a splash, there's a big chance the humidity stickers weren't triggered. Good luck, breathe, this is not "failing at life", this is living life. We all fuck up, look at this sub.
MidnightPlatinum: I worked in cell phone repair and this statement is not accurate. Electronics have moisture damage indicator stickers inside them that ALWAYS (without fail) show if it has been water damaged. Even shower steam inside the same room can trigger this indicators to permanently change color. And in my repair shop we had to always turn down such repairs. Though, there are services that will ultrasonic out the boards under rubbing alcohol, scrub the micro rust out with a toothbrush, dry the whole thing and try booting it on. Pop (soda) is highly acidic however and even a few hours of it will cause permanent damage that dry rice cannot undo. That only applies to water. https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110127101759AAPgYHZ
MeSpeaksNonsense: I talked about the stickers in my answer... I don't work with cell phone repair, but I spilled stuff in my laptop's keyboard and took it later for another reason under warranty and they didn't say anything, so I assumed it wasn't triggered. Anyway, there's always a possibility. And the rice wasn't to fix damage, I meant it to disguise the liquid.
MidnightPlatinum: Ah ok! My apologies for missing your "humidity stickers weren't triggered", my tired eyes must have missed that! I'm glad yours was accepted when you took it in! I tried to help out customers sometimes but my boss almost always said "NO WAY!" I found out over time why: customers would always turn on us if we couldn't fix it or the problem naturally got worse, saying it was our fault and making claims against the store's coverage (which came out of our pockets).
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1408295464 | 1408382190 | t3_2dt7v2 | t5_2to41 | 13 | OfficialRcade: TIFU by shooting a kid with a paintball gun
So yesterday I went paintballing with a handful of close friends for another friends Birthday. It also turned out it was a joint party between us and his 11-year-old brothers Birthday as well. Needless to say I had a great time and did really well for my first time. At the and of the final game it was four of us against one remaining anonymous enemy. We spent a while scouting for the little bugger before two of us found him in a tower, and opened fire immediately. Turns out it was my friends younger brother, who had taken off his protective mask to take a puff from his inhaler, and we ended up shooting him all over his neck and throat. We didn't realise this for another few seconds, and then went running for help. He was hurt pretty bad.
TL:DR Shot my friends little brother in the throat after he took his protective mask off at a paintball game.
unclemab: Little dude fucked up by taking his mask off.
This is precisely why you are told at the beginning not to do that.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Pretty much.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1408297558 | 1408349079 | t3_2dtb2g | t5_2to41 | 2,084 | DohDopeys: TIFU by uncovering a family secret and making my mother cry.
Long time lurker. This actually happened a little over two years ago, but things are still weird.
After I finished college I moved back home to help my mother, who was having some medical problems. My father had passed away while I was at college in a vehicle accident, and my sister had been trying to help mom while taking care of her own family so I could finish school.
While going through some of our father's things I came across an old filing cabinet in the garage. It was rusty and dusty but I decided to go through it before hauling it to the dump *just in case* there was something personal in it (birth certs, tax stuff - things people keep in those cabinets and then forget about.)
Going through it, came across some old family pics, which I knew mom would want, some school stuff from when my sister and I were little, and a manilla folder way in the back with paperwork from a courthouse in Alabama. Inside were adoption papers and change of name papers - where my name was listed as the new name.
Now at this point I had no idea about anything. We had always lived in Oregon and I had never been treated any differently than my sister. I didn't look exactly like my parents, but neither did my sister. The basics were all there - dark hair, dark eyes, and the inability to get a tan. Who cared if we didn't look exactly alike? Not all kids look like their parents.
Anyway, I kinda sat on it for a few hours, just going over the few scraps of paper in this folder, then finally decided to go find my sister. She had left at one point, but my mom was puttering around in the kitchen and saw me come in with the stack of photos and this folder. I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask her - we were family, and we loved each other. It didn't matter if I was adopted. She was my mother, the only one I knew and cared about, I loved her, and nothing would ever change that.
So I showed her the folder, and asked if I was adopted.
Omg. She looked at the folder, and burst into tears. I reached out to give her a hug, and she just sat down and started talking about 'Poor Mikey'. I am not Mikey, or Michael, or Mike. Apparently she and dad had a son when they were first married named Michael. When Michael was 4 they went to a park Miami, where they had been living. Michael somehow got away from her and was hit by a car. She told me how she was so devastated, and my father was too, but he had insisted that they go and adopt a baby. She hadn't wanted to replace their son, *like a dog*, (her words) but he had been so insistent she had finally given in and I had been adopted out of Alabama. She told me how it was so hard to learn to love me at first, but when my sister had been born almost a year after my adoption she felt like she could be a mother again and accept me.
I... was stunned. I asked her if she had taken her medication, because I couldn't believe what she was saying. I had been adopted as a baby, but she was insinuating there was almost a year when I was like the annoying house cat my father insisted on and she put up with because she loved him. She told me I could never replace Mikey, but I 'came into my own' as I got older 'like a real son'. She sat sobbing at the kitchen island for a good half hour while I puttered around the rest of the house, packing up dads stuff. My sister came back and immediately asked me why mom was all haggard and weepy in the kitchen. I gave her a basic run down, but she didn't believe me and went to talk to mom herself. Hour later, she's all weepy, helping me pack up stuff. She asked if I was ok. I said yeah and left.
Didn't talk to my mother for a few days. My sister called me to ask about our arrangement - where I would move into moms house and she could get back to her own family. I had been staying in a hotel since the incident. I told her I didn't know, and she seemed shocked that finding out I was adopted would make me turn on mom. I tried explaining that no, it wasn't the adoption, it was the weird 'you weren't really my son' vibe I was suddenly getting. Was I over reacting? Maybe. So I worked up the nerve to call mom and ask if I could come over. She seemed surprised I felt the need to ask. I went over and she had a little lunch ready for us. We sat down... and she proceeded to tell me what a weight I had taken off her chest. She was all smiles telling me how now that I was older and it was all out in the open, we could start over and get to know each other as friends.
What? WHAT?!?!? Who the hell is this woman?!
I couldn't afford my own place at the time so I did move in with her, but it was beyond weird. Really too much to go into, but imagine all those motherly touches you expect at your mom's house are suddenly gone. She really went from a mom to a roommate trying to be my best friend in a weird creepy way almost overnight. She quietly insisted I call her by her first name. First time my sister heard it she flipped her shit - until mom told her that she had asked me to do it.
My sister eventually witnessed enough weirdness she said she wanted to talk to mom about it. This was almost a year out for me, so I begged her to wait a few more months but didn't tell her that I had almost saved up enough for a down payment on a little house across town. I was just suddenly feeling so unwelcome, it was almost like mom had died. When she finally did ask mom why she was acting this way towards me mom tried to placate her and tell her that it was alright, that I was a grownup and was comfortable with our arrangement. I'm ashamed to say it felt REALLY good to say no, it wasn't ok, and tell her I was moving out. Right there. She looked all confused and asked why, and I just left. I came back over the next week to get my things, and she cried each time and told me if I left she would loose the house. I was really torn until she told me she wouldn't be able to find another roommate before the mortgage was due.
Mom lost the house, but I made it clear she couldn't live with me and my sister said the same. She moved into a crappy little singles apartment, and I want to feel bad but I can't. She stopped talking to me all together but my sister says she tries to call her all the time, and has told her husband that I was an ass and ruined the relationship between her and her daughter. I'm still pretty upset but really have only myself to blame for asking her about the folder.
TL;DR - Found out I was adopted after my parents lost their first son and my mother hadn't wanted me. She was relieved when I found out and could stop mothering me. Left me a bitter man worried all moms are faking it.
Edit: Thanks a lot you guys. You're really some warm people. I really do feel a lot better that there are people who get the whole Mom Gestures thing. It's so hard to describe to people without feeling like I was demanding to be treated like a little kid again and that wasn't what I meant. You guys are awesome.
Edit 2: Thank you again you guys, so very very much. I'm off to work and wanted to let you guys know I had meant to post this as a 'Crazy, right? How crazy is this crap?! All over this little thing I did that turned into this big thing!' and you guys have been some of the warmest kindest people ever. You are awesome and amazing and I'm out of words. Be safe guys.
Lilicat1013: I created an account just to comment on this, I am a mother myself and wanted to tell you your 'mother' is a horrible person who doesn't deserve that role and you deserve better. She should never have adopted you, you don't need to be biologically related to a child to love them like your own, she wasn't able to do that and it wasn't your fault. I hope you can move forward and find some peace in the future.
ThoracicPork: You're missing the point - he doesn't hate her. He just wants his mom back.
gtakiller0914: It sounds like that won't happen. Reading this made it feel like she was putting on an act the whole time. Now that she doesn't have to do that anymore, things probably permanently changed. The "as friends" thing is so weird...
matafubar: Wow, I got the completely opposite meaning from what he wrote. I thought his mom was trying to be his friend because she felt that he was very weirded out. When she told him and started crying about it, he flipped out and started being all weird about it. So she decided to try something new like being his friend instead of his mom. She didn't know the friends things didn't work until he told her right before moving out.
AveragePenguin: No normal Mother would try to be "Friends" with their son. It's very clear in the text that she never wanted him and was glad she could stop pretending. Seems to me like you're just taking the Mother's side because you don't want to believe that someone could be that mean to one of their supposed children.
matafubar: To each their own. You are just as biased only in a different way. Remember you are reading this from only a *single* perspective.
AveragePenguin: That's true. I don't blame you for you perceiving the text in that way.
matafubar: Seems like you did. That's why you made that ad hominem attack rather than attack my argument.
I'm not against the fact that she might be a terrible mother. I just interpreted it differently because everything she did happened after he flipped his shit and stopped all contact. He said he had a distance vibe from her, but according to him, you can interpret that the mom also received a distance vibe from him when he asked to stay with her. From that statement, I interpret that she still cares about him but perceive he might not feel the same way about her. Hence, there's a possibly that her actions were a response to his distancing himself from her.
It's hard to know which is true without talking to his mom. But I'd like to think my interpretation has some validity.
themediocrebritain: I didn't take it that way at all, but I think this is an interesting take and I have no idea why you're being downvoted so much.
matafubar: It goes against the hive-mind since it seems the whole thread is against the mom. Just the way Reddit works.
JontheRooster: Nah, I down voted you because you kinda seem like a twat. But I guess that's just how I interpreted the text.
matafubar: /u/themediocrebritain so now you can see it's cause reddit is filled with morons like this.
JontheRooster: :D
matafubar: :D\\-<
| 15 | 138.933333 | |
1408298283 | 1408501964 | t3_2dtc4l | t5_2to41 | 291 | BerriJuice: TIFU By getting annoyed by this Indian customer at a pizza shop and finding out it was actually a prank by one of my favorite youtubers
You'd think after a bad day at work, all you want to do is go home, kick back and just chill for the rest of the day. Maybe even smoke a joint. Unfortunately it was an especially bad day and all I could think of was that fucking customer.
I answer the phone on a regular day, hoping for it to go by quick, when an peculiar Indian voice spoke. Apparently, this guy wanted to talk to the store owner and was complaining about something. The store owner wasn't here that day & so I tell him to call back Tom @ 1. For some strange reason he couldn't understand that and kept complaining asking for the owner. I admit I got kinda annoyed and told him firmly he wasn't here and to call TOMORROW. This guy starts to get abusive and call me names and I decided enough was enough and I ended the call.
Wow, that guy got angry quick, and I wasn't having any of it. So we argued for a long time, and I couldn't believe the shit that was coming out of his mouth. I even offered a free pizza but apparently he wanted me to apologize for something I didn't even do. Eventually it ended but boy was I ticked off.
Few days go by, and I decide to go on Facebook. I see an update by Ownage Pranks, A famous YouTuber that does hilarious pranks, and he has a new video. He titles it 'Super Rude Pizza Shop Prank' and I swear to god I felt myself getting sick. In disbelief I slowly click the video, and wait for it to load up. ( I have shitty internet connection ) and I swear my heart was pounding right outta my chest. I hear him in that Indian accent, asking for the owner, only to be transferred to the manager (me), listen to his incredibly stupid questions, and me inevitably getting ticked off. I look through the comments, and see the horde of angry internet-people cursing the rude manager, each cursing comment only fueling my shame.
That's when I knew my dear Redditors, that I truly fucked up.
TL:DR Indian guy managed to get millions of people to hate me
EDIT: Yes I know I was being an ass, but I pretty much guessed he wasn't being serious, plus I was having a REALLY bad day. Anyway I'm only human. Cheers
supperatdior: I watch Ownage Pranks also but I think this isn't a fuck up on your part. He is known to say provoking things to get reaction out of the people he pranks. If it was just a regular customer making a complain, there wouldn't be any irrelevant remarks. Like Ownage claiming you called him a 'woman', just because you only said,'you're a man and you don't cry'. That is completely taken out of context.
But afterall, he is /u/OwnagePranks, so I guess he has to piss off at least 1 person per week to entertain his 2mil subscribers.
edit: Don't worry, by the next video or 2, you will be out of everybody's mind.
PM_ME_YOUR_ZEBRAS: Ownage pranks called back more than 4 times he has the right to be mad at that point
supperatdior: You should check out other videos of his as well. He calls back people/establishment to punk around with them somemore, and also he needs more time on each audio per video. Basically just keep calling them up repeatedly to screw them up and drag out enough content for a video. You should see the tabla drum guy where he called someone in India at around 4am. He was really apologetic and called back the next day to offer a compensation.
PM_ME_YOUR_ZEBRAS: I am subscribed to him don't watch him too much this video makes me want to unsubscribe because of how much of a jerk move it was. I liked him when I was younger but now he is not as good in my opinion. He does call back but calling the worker rude is what really annoys me.
thelegendary23: You can't call someone back unless they hang up. So you believe that a customer calling twice a day, for 2 days, over pizza that got him sick is out of this guys job description? He's a MANAGER.
PM_ME_YOUR_ZEBRAS: Ownage was being annoying from the start op picked up the phone told him what to do multiple times and then hung up when it was obvious ownage was only trying to keep him on the phone.
thelegendary23: It's obvious to any logical human being that this was a terrible manager from the onset. Period. Don't think of ownage as just a prankster, assume it was an actual indian customer calling him for that purpose and judge for yourself whether you think its correct of him as a Manager to act that way. If you deem yes you'd be out of a business as a business owner. Obviously he was trying to avoid doing his job and dealing with a pesky upset customer. He should be fired for being such a poor worker. He's only an impediment to that business earning more money through customer service business practices.
PM_ME_YOUR_ZEBRAS: Let me make two things clear
1. This was a bad, unfunny, very forced prank.
2. I agree he's being a bad worker but some people are acting like he is 100 shit. He clearly states that he was having a bad day in this post and when sounds like it from the start. Saying he should be fired because of one piece of evidence is bullshit. He is most likely very effective but is just having a bad day.
| 9 | 32.333333 | |
1408300111 | 1408316690 | t3_2dtf06 | t5_2to41 | 44 | VTX1300: TIFU by letting my wife play with my knife after sex
So today my wife and i had just finished some sunday morning sex. We were both being rather lazy, just laying in bed. I had taken off my pants and thrown them beside the bed as we were getting ready to have sex. Now that we had finished, my wife decided to see what i had in my pockets. She found my pocket knife which i usually keep with me to open boxes at work. I had just sharpened it literally last night. She flips it open and started feeling how sharp the blade was by rubbing her thumb horizontally across the knife. At this point i was still laying on my back, naked, enjoying life. I didn't really notice what she was doing until it was too late. To my horror i saw the knife slip out of her hand and it hit point down in the middle of my balls. The bleeding is just starting to subside.
TLDR, Wife dropped knife by accident on my balls after sex.
TheRealBobaFett: NSFW?
firemanguy4: What's NSFW? Calm down overly sensitive sam.
Cheimon: The parts of the story involving a couple having sex and then one member (unintentionally) stabbing the other in the genitals is not necessarily typical workplace material.
| 4 | 11 | |
1408299412 | 1408308618 | t3_2dtdul | t5_2to41 | 2 | noediblesforme: TIFU by eating an entire pot chocolate candy bar
This is a throwaway account, I am too embarrassed to be identified. However, most family & friends are aware of this situation. Additionally, this didn't happen today. It happened about a year ago.
Got my hands on a few edibles, including a chocolate bar and ultimately decided to give a piece a try. Now, I've smoked weed before when I was a teenager, but don't do it regularly. I occasionally drink, but most of the time feel like I'm no fun and wanted to impress my husband.
Earlier in the day I had a jolly rancher with hash, whatever they are, no idea and nothing interesting really happened. So I had a bit of the chocolate, nothing. Had some more chocolate, nothing. Ended up eating the entire bar and began having what I'd describe as the most vivid and detailed childhood recollections I've had in a long time. I was remembering the detail on plates we had as kids, moments and bits of my younger years like they were happening before me. It was pretty damn sweet.
However, panic came bustling in quickly and I started to worry that I didn't feel so good. I began concerned about my erratic breathing, I was envisioning my heart giving out, etc, etc. I warned my husband that I wasn't feeling so great and that he may need to take me to the hospital. He remained calm, told me to calm down, and moved me to the bedroom to lie down.
Things went quickly down hill from here, the panic only got worse, my breathing worse, and I was blacking out repeatedly and having difficulty remaining conscious is the best way I can describe it.
My husband eventually had to call his mom (who is an RN) because he was growing concerned. After repeated attempts to get ahold of her, he finally did and she rushed over. My black outs were becoming harder to come out of, and she had me bearing down just to keep myself from succumbing to the dark. Honestly, I thought I was a goner, I apologized to everyone for dying this way. My MIL said she was having a hard time counting my pulse because it was so damn fast and the ambulance was called.
I ended up being rushed in the hospital by ambulance and spent 2 nights in the ICU (because of the drugs) and being high for about 3 days straight. Found out I had low potassium and most definitely could've died.
I effed up pretty bad.
TL;DR - I ate an entire bar of marijuana chocolate, almost died.
gtakiller0914: Seriously? Reading TIFU daily I come across a lot of posts like this. Does everyone accidentally eat pot brownies/cookies?!
lickastick: ... well she didn't accidentally eat it. She just ate too much of it
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408299969 | 1408307014 | t3_2dterz | t5_2to41 | 22 | jsmozley: Tifu by full force kneeing my gf in the vagina before sex
So me and my girlfriend were getting all intimate and what not. She takes all of her clothes off and I start to take my sweatpants off. Im simultaneously kissing her and.on top of her as I try and pry my foot out of my pants. Finallys my foot does a Houdini trick and slips the pants with such force that I knee her so hard in the flesh curtains that she screams. She ended up.habing sex still so I guess she really loves me but oh boy the sound that made it had to hurt
soalone34: You were simply establishing dominance
myepicdemise: It is their mating ritual.
| 3 | 7.333333 |
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