start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1408302885 | 1408327585 | t3_2dtjb4 | t5_2to41 | 280 | macka311: TIFU by encouraging a girl into some rough sex [NSFW]
So I told the girl I’m seeing that a bit of biting and choking never hurt anyone, as previously she’d been pretty adverse to the idea. So she says I’d have to get her in the mood for her to loosen up to the idea. So being young and naive, I accept the challenge thinking a bit of kinky shit could brighten up the night.
So I’m sitting up in bed while she’s drying herself off from the shower, little do I know what was about to go down. So I get up and stand behind her and start kissing and lightly biting her neck, while very lightly choking her.
She seems to be enjoying herself, everything's come up Milhouse.
A little bit of foreplay goes on, I can see her start to get into it because she’s giving me the sexiest sloppy blowjob in the world, I return the favour and a few minutes later I’m lying on my back in bed. Strap yourself in motherfucker, this bitch bout to turn the dial. So I put my wet fingers in her mouth and she bites down on them like a fucking badger, obviously in pain but trying to play it cool I smile awkwardly, bad move, she grabs a hold of my hair and trys to rip my hair out while biting the whole way down my neck.
At this moment I’m feeling like a 17 year old who just realized he hit the bong too hard, I knew it was going to be a long night. So she hops on my dick, thank fuck maybe that will calm her down a tad. Wrong, she proceeds to double hand choke me to the point of asphyxiation, theres no safe word, I’ve never had a chick do this before, what the fuck do I do? So naive me tries what young boys do, and fight fire with fire, so I lightly put my hand on her throat and ramp the intensity up hoping she'd cave. Bad move, bitch latches on harder, she’s looking directly in my eyes, teeth clenched together, we were playing asphyziation chicken and I had a feeling I was the chicken.
If I had of known latin I would have tried performing a home exorcism on the bitch, I could just sit there and wonder if I was somehow in some fucked up BDSM sleep paralysis.
So I’m getting choked the fuck out, this girl has hands like a toddler and I’m gasping for air, so my adrenaline just kicks in and I picked her up and threw her, literally threw her off me. Bad move, that got her going even more, before I knew it she had me pinned to a wall, biting my neck while clenching my nuts in a vice grip like I was a misbehaving dog on a choker chain.
At this stage I should have just admitted I was in over my head, but I had initiated this, this was my idea, I ASKED FOR THIS, and if you know me, you know how bad I am at admitting I’m wrong. So I put my $30 dollar a month gym membership to use and threw her on her back.
She sits up to start clawing at me, I tackle her onto my bed and pin her arms back so she couldn’t harvest any more of my skin under her nails, she’s still giving me the literal definition of crazy eyes, so I suck up my pride and hate fuck the shit out her in the hopes she'd chill the fuck out. I’ve never been as happy to feel close to an orgasm in my life, I just wanted it to be over. So I pull out and just let it rip on her face, before she realized what happened I ran the fuck away.
TL;DR be careful what you ask for boys.
EDITED: grammer
TX_domin: I laughed so hard at this! I feel your pain bro but damn this was hilarious!
macka311: Pain is temporary, the memory will last for ever.
At least that's how I'm trying to think about it haha
polar_turtle: Until the bruises show up on your neck
| 4 | 70 | |
1408303083 | 1408311189 | t3_2dtjmf | t5_2to41 | 2 | Glorkus2: TIFU by putting a used condom in my ass so that I could prank my girlfriend into thinking I was gay.
trippinbawlls: "I knew we was going to do sex later"
WHO THE FUCK SAYS THIS.
Glorkus2: I do?
trippinbawlls: Yeah, you also put used condoms in your butt hole.
Glorkus2: So?
trippinbawlls: You like men.
| 6 | 0.333333 | |
1408304396 | 1408306096 | t3_2dtlo7 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Caris88: TIFU by putting an orange seed in my ear
My friends don't stop going on about this story, they think it's hilarious. Me, not so much but I thought I'd post it anyway.
About 5 years ago when I was 20 I was watching TV in my living room at home and was having my dinner. Some form of curry if I remember, but that's besides the point. So anyway after I had finished my meal I was still hungry so I grabbed an orange and started eating it whilst lying across the sofa watching The Simpsons. When I had finished eating my orange the peel was on the armrest and I was sorta just playing with it in my hands, like fidgeting whilst being engrossed on what I was watching. At one point, I had the seed in my finger and as I changed position on the sofa my hand ended up resting on my head. Normal situation so far right? This is where it all went wrong. I was still playing with the seed in my fingers I started rolling it against the skin on my face, not thinking at all about what I was doing and then I ended up losing the seed, in my ear...
I freeze for a second to actually process that I have part of an orange in my ear, then panic and run to the bathroom. I get some tweezers to pull it out and I'm freaking out so much I push it further in. I start screaming for my mum, she thinks I'm having a heart attack or something, comes running in and I tell her whats just happened (I don't think I've ever seen my mum so confused in my life). Anyway she has a go and yes you guessed it, pushed it in even further. You could barley see it at this point. Now we're discussing what to do, and the only thing really is to go to hospital. I can't believe this is happening at 7pm on a quiet summers evening.
After deciding to head up, I get ready and my mum drives me to hospital. It was totally packed, summer holidays, everyone having falls and accidents, a total nightmare. So we walk to up reception and the lady asks "What can we do for you" my mum sighs and replies "My 20 year old son has an orange seed stuck in his ear". All the reciptionists burst out laughing, then one looks at me (I'm sorta embarrassed hiding behind my mum at this point) and asks "How did it get there" to which I reply "I just put it in". "You put it in? Why on earth did you do that?" "I dunno it just kinda happened, you know how it is". They are all absolutely creased at this point, a few literally crying with laughter.
So I fill out some paperwork, and take a seat in the waiting area. I was totally sick of my life now, sat there not giving a fuck about anything with my head at a 90 degree angle hitting my other ear hoping it would just fall out (Don't ask). After about an hour wait some kid sits down and asks why I'm there, I tell him why and he tells me it was a stupid thing to do. (No shit kid). After another hour or so of waiting I see the doctor and he uses some magic tool to get it out, it took all of 30 seconds. He sends me on my way and as I'm about to leave the girl at reception shouts "Remember, the only thing that should go in your ear is your elbow". I smile, turn round and walk out still hearing everyone in the hospital laughing at me.
The moral of the story is don't put oranges anywhere expect your mouth.
69brofist: You said you were 20 in the beginning and then your mom said you were 25...?
Caris88: Correction, you're right! I'm 25 now this happened when I was 20.
| 3 | 8 | |
1408303577 | 1408305854 | t3_2dtke8 | t5_2to41 | 6 | idknamesforthrowaway: TIFU by being adventurous
I went to the beach today to relax and get a little tan and decided to go jumping around the rocks, when I opened my (semi-opened) pack, I noticed my phone was gone. Everything else was there, car keys and wallet. The phone wasn't. It's turned off. I need my phone for my work, it had all the contacts there and just everything, idk if cloud was on. I bought this phone like 2 weeks ago and I loved it.
The only thing I can think of is: Well, another challenge I'll have to suck up, because I'm fucking alone on all my life's big moments, good or bad. Better put a smile on my face. I don't know what to do now, I'm pretty sure it's gone now, wether it was stolen or lost at sea. I don't want to tell anyone because I'm clumsy and forgetfull and people will judge me instead of helping me try to overcome this, especially my immediate family.
Soooooo, yeah.
Totally-Not-A-Troll: You need to come up with a good story about being mugged etc.
idknamesforthrowaway: I don't like lying. And I can't ask for money
| 3 | 2 | |
1408305919 | 1408331410 | t3_2dto23 | t5_2to41 | 59 | myassisstillsore: TIFU with a finger up my ass desperately trying to find my prostate. NSFW.
I created an account for this.
So I read on here while lurking around as I always do when bored that I've apparently missed out on alot by never masturbating while massaging my prostate. Thank you reddit.
I googled "how to massage prostate" and found myself on this shady website that told me to cut my fingernails. So I did.
I then discreetly made my way downstairs to the shower, told my mom I was going to take a shower before dinnertime. Don't blame me, I'm seventeen, you'll catch me flinging my phallus half-dead and asleep.
Important to note is that we have a room for itself dedicated entirely to the act of cleansing our bodies. This is important because it means that there's no toilet or sink in close proximity, which somehow made mom choose transparent glass to enclose the shower.
It hurts a bit, and feels mildly uncomfortable but strangely enjoyable at the same time. I had peppered my angus with saliva, and it seemed to work well despite the lack of proper lubrication. The water was running and I had placed my self on the wet floor on my knees (it created better angles, just a tip). I kept pounding my Johnson and trying to penetrate my ass at the same time. The shady site had informed me that the prostate gland would be round and also few inches up inside my rear so it was quite a struggle.
A couple inches I never got to fully explore. When I met my stepfathers eyes I felt a part of me die. I panicked. He glanced down. There I was, with a finger up my ass and a hand around my manhood. I quickly moved my hand out of my rear end, but the damage was already done. He shut the door and I was suddenly all alone again. I came to a finish, but not the finish I quite would have liked to.
The dinner was awkward. But I don't think he ever told my mom, she's been acting like she always does. If she found out it would mean death. This was a week ago, I've been at my fathers place now for a week but I'm going back tomorrow. I hope this isn't something that fuck things up for me and my stepfather. Maybe he forgot about it already.
And I never found my prostate either.
TL;DR - Stepfather walked in on me trying to massage my prostate.
zdude51: Well, at least you didn't find out you were born a transsexual.
TheGwolo: Haha, fuck me I read that one too.
OneTrickKitty: Which one was it.
TheGwolo: the one where they found out they were born intersexed, and the parents decided to raise them as just one gender. You know... that one.
| 5 | 11.8 | |
1408305133 | 1408307902 | t3_2dtmt1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | ElectricityRainbow: TIFU by resting a cup boiling hot tea against my chest.
I breathed in and it spilled all over my stomach. It hurt. It still hurts. I'm an idiot. :'(
[deleted]: Y so silly
soalone34: Move alone, there's nothing to tea here.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408306120 | 1408445570 | t3_2dtodc | t5_2to41 | 9 | shivboy89: TIFU when i chipped 1/4th of my tooth
xScorchx: Not as bad as chipping the corner of your front tooth on a potato..........
shivboy89: how did that happen?
xScorchx: No idea. Bit into a piece of a potato that was in the oven. Think breakfast homefries. And I felt a crack, looked in the mirror and boom, no more corner of my tooth. Instead of the corner being square it looks like a small square is missing.
shivboy89: hey there, you may want to check up with your dentist to make sure your teeth are okay. i saw my dentist today and he told me the reason why my tooth chipped off so easily is because it had a cavity.
xScorchx: Well shit. I know what my agenda for tomorrow is.
shivboy89: yep! hope it works out for ya. let me know if i saved yur ass!
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1408309004 | 1408310545 | t3_2dtsuh | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by not knowing I had more left [NSFW]
So this happened a couple years ago. I was with my now ex and she was blowing me. I had the bad habit of pushing her head down as far as I could whenever I came. This time I lasted for quite some time (an unusual 35-40 minutes straight of her sucking away). I was laying on my bed during this, and when I reached climax, I did my signature "two handed, back of the head grab and pull" (which, I know, is inconsiderate, but when I'm cumming I don't really think)and i blow, what I thought, was my entire load. She pulls up and is coughing because I just blasted the back of her throat. While she has a coughing fit, my dick decides to reveal that I have not quite finished and I get shot in the left eye with jizz. I never had such a blast of amazing feeling followed so quickly by piercing pain before in my life.
mbnvcxyz: The DVD is coming out next week.
ketronox: I'm confused. Would you explain your comment? I'm kinda dumb...
frowningcat: Trust me, we know.
ketronox: Well then.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1408309650 | 1408365486 | t3_2dttvu | t5_2to41 | 6 | Skunkman-funk: TIFU by screaming my carnal intent.
This was last night, but it was well into the wee hours so it was technically today.
Im at a club with a couple of friends, music blaring, people dancing, drinks being drunk. A few nice young ladies sit their behinds down at the table next to me and my fellows. "What a great opportunity for us to make some new friends" we think, and promptly plant ourselves next to these fair creatures.
Everyone is all smiles and giggles and lighthearted conversation is screamed (take notice) between members of our merry band so as to be heard over the music. I have my eye on this one particular blonde pretty-faced thing that just enrolled in my school but she's at the other end of the table so it's hard for me to work my magic since my charm only works at melee range.
Pondering this predicament I go to the bar to have another drink but when I come back I see that my friend that sat next to her has generously fucked off. Life is good.
I sit down and initiate conversation. She responds well and we hit it off. In the words of Weezer: There's the pitch, slow and straight, all I have to do is swing.
Enter my friend, who taps me on the shoulder and articulately asks with his voicebox turned up to eleven: "So are you gonna fuck that blonde chick?!" I enthusiastically respond at the same noise level: "YEAH!" nodding my head and giving a solid thumbs up.
As I turn again to my ladyfriend I see she has a fart-smelling look on her face and is in the process of turning 360 degrees and moonwalking the fuck out of there. She heard the entire exchange.
TL;DR: Use inside voices.
Donkster: I like how girls are imediately pissed when they hear something like this everything is fine when you had continued and still banged in the end. Logic.
Skunkman-funk: Yeah, seems counterintuitive, but it's just a rule of the social game. Never reveal your end game. Even if everyone knows it, and even if everyone's is the same for that matter. It's like in The Prestige: you want to be decieved.
Donkster: Well said.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408310065 | 1408335440 | t3_2dtuif | t5_2to41 | 148 | DaHagerBomb: TIFU by calling my cousin hot.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at the mall with a few of my friends. They saw a hot girl walk by, but I wasn't really paying attention as I was looking for the nearest Scheels. They turned to me and said "Hey Matt, see that girl with the hot ass? Go try and get her." I admit, it was a great ass. I'm not really interested in girls without seeing her face or knowing her first, but they kept prodding me to approach her, so I just went ahead and did it.
I went up and said "Hey, hottie!" I will never know why I chose those words to say. She turned around and saw me. "Matthew, what the fuck?" It was my first cousin that lived nearby. We were actually really close, so it made it all the more awkward. I tried to explain that I didn't see who it was by the face, but that made it even worse, because that revealed I was looking at her ass the whole time I saw her. She was furious and walked away.
I didn't get kicked in the balls or get slapped, luckily, but I never want a big family reunion again.
bealzebro: Dude, just call her up, apologize, and explain that the only reason you approached her was because you didn't realize it was her and you're too much of a pussy to not do whatever your friends decide you should do.
myepicdemise: They could also choose to meet up in a private place to settle the problem.
Xardov: > settle the problem
If you know what I mean. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
myepicdemise: That was exactly what I meant. :)
| 5 | 29.6 | |
1408309837 | 1408340075 | t3_2dtu67 | t5_2to41 | 215 | bromeeetheus: TIFU by letting my gf sleep naked
So I gave her some really good sex and it completely wore her out. She passed out naked so I just slept with her. In the middle of the night while we were both asleep, it started. I had white sheets.
frowningcat: "Huh?.......Wait.....oh.....OHHHHH....NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
PM_MY_YOUR_GOATS: Man that took me a while....Was like 'you had white sheets afterwards? Pretty standard by-product...not really a TIFU'
Minutes pass
Few more minutes
OHHH 'I **HAD** white sheets'
(might want to say 'I used to have white sheets' ?)
PuddingAuxRais1ns: I still don't get it. ELI5?
Javelin3o4: That time of the month happened, he now has a bed spread of the rising sun.
PuddingAuxRais1ns: Well damn.....
| 6 | 35.833333 | |
1408301438 | 1408369292 | t3_2dth2t | t5_2to41 | 7 | FuturisticPenguin: TIFU by trusting a sneeze
This was back in my College days. I was the only guy in this particular class and was surrounded by some hot and some not so hot women. I had been sneezing since the start of the day but they were nothing to worry about. They were like little nose farts and they meant no harm. The class however was silent and even the nose farts were drawing attention, but I had sneezed a million times before so I got this right?
Wrong! Fast forward 30 minutes and I felt a huge sneeze coming along nicely. It came all the way from my toes, as if the devil himself had channelled it to me via fibre optic. Girls were starting to quiver in their chairs and even my soul had jumped ship, declaring "Jeez FuturisticPenguin you're on your own this time bud" I tried to intervene and cover my mouth and nose but this made it worse, kinda like a pressure washer.
I sneezed out what felt like everything my body had, covered 3-4 girls in the immediate vacinity with farm fresh snot and shortened the Earth day by 0.3 seconds. It looked like Slimer from Ghostbusters dropped by but I knew it was all me. I tried to apologise and wipe it away from myself and others but everyone freaked out and got up and left to presumably wash up. I went home immediately and couldnt look them in the eye again. I actually changed classes after that, ruined my favorite jacket and never trusted a sneeze again.
what_is_this_mate: I guess that last nose fart wasn't as kind to you. Cheers.
FuturisticPenguin: Definately not
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408311968 | 1408432944 | t3_2dtp0i | t5_2to41 | -5 | synystar: It wasn't cavalier. I don't have weed on me ever in public. I smoke alone or with my girl. That's it. The first failure was not checking when I left the house. The second was not realizing it when it was in my hand as I started to pull it out. It was a fail. Only ever happened once and I doubt it'll ever happen again.
cropmyass: Maybe if you'd stop smoking weed you'd pay mire attention to that sort of things.
synystar: I won't downvote you for that but I bet other people will. It's really kind of a dumb thing to say.
cropmyass: Not here for up votes.
| 4 | -1.25 | |
1408310930 | 1408312480 | t3_2dtvuv | t5_2to41 | 12 | layin_down_the_slaw: TIFU by pocket calling my ex..
while having sex. The call lasted 2 minutes so I either left a long message or she answered the call. I'm scared to ask. Not sure how it happened, but she was the last person I texted before.
torpedo212: Why would you ask?
Qualitytyme: To truly appreciate the TIFU label...otherwise it's just showing off laying_down_the_slaw has found happiness somewhere else.
| 3 | 4 | |
1408311359 | 1408312495 | t3_2dtwjt | t5_2to41 | 9 | Shamed3232323: TIFU by taking a dump on my friends bed as a prank.
soalone34: Just buy him new sheets and a new pillow
Shamed3232323: He has a laundry machine...
vedderx: And with that answer you have proved he is right to drop you.
Squizzum: Drop the shit that shat the sheets.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1408314140 | 1408319670 | t3_2du0sn | t5_2to41 | 24 | Gaci27: TIFU by making out with my cousin
As the majority of the TIFU's out there this happened in the past, more precisely in my childhood. I was 6 years old when my cousin came at me to play togheter. Let's call him Andrew. Andrew was a 15 years that recently got a girlfriend. He told me if I can help him by letting him make out with me to exercise for his new girlfriend. I was so innocent back then so I said ''Why not?''. Then he procedeed to french kiss me with passion. He told me to make a sign when my mother will come into the room. The good thing was she never entered in the room. So that thing passed like it was nothing and i didn't tell anyone because i tought it was something normal. Ok guys that's the story now just let me tell you where I fucked up. I forgot what happened. You know i had forgotten about it. Completly. Until the day when i got my first girlfriend. She was gorgeous. We talked for a month or two and the moment for the ''big kiss'' appeared. Damn it felt great. I was so happy but then she asked me ''Where did you learn to kiss so well?'' AND IN THAT MOMENT THE IMAGE OF ME AND MY COSUIN MAKING OUT WENT TROUGH MY HEAD. I wanted to throw up, what the hell I wanted to die. Now I need to live my life with the idea that my first kiss was with a boy, moreover ..he is my cousin.
Tl;dr I make out with my cousin when I was younger, the memories came back when i first kissed a girl.
[deleted]: You're a guy? Not that it matters, you were molested by someone that should have known better. Hope it stopped there. Absolutely no fuck up on your part. Your first kiss is still your girlfriend. Have you talked to anyone about this before now?
Gaci27: I'm a guy. Yeah he stopped there. No I don't know how to bring this shit up in a conversation. Like what? We're all at the Christmas table and I say: Yo Andrew do you remember when you molested me when i was 5?
[deleted]: Meant a therapist or someone you can trust. Confronting him at some point might be right. Do you think he was molested? Often it is learned and cycles on.
| 4 | 6 | |
1408314663 | 1408504195 | t3_2du1l7 | t5_2to41 | 13 | blahblahkittensblah: TIFU by attempting to smoke a cigarette after quitting a week ago. Keyword: "attempting"
I haven't had a cigarette in seven days (which is a big deal for me), and just had a ridiculously bad day at work. Upon arriving home I decided to take my frustration out on some house cleaning. Lo and behold, while cleaning I found a single Lucky Strike cigarette from an old pack that I didn't know existed. You know how the little demon on your shoulder can be, so after wrestling with myself I, hesitantly, decided to say fuck it "just smoke this one." For those of you that don't know, Lucky Strikes are filterless. I went to light it and take a puff, and, before I could even inhale the smoke, a huge chunk of loose tobacco came flying back and hit me as far back in my throat as it possibly could. Instantly, I started gagging and hacking up, but despite my efforts I accidentally swallowed the chunk of tobacco. That's when the nausea kicked in.
So there I am, throwing up in my backyard, and cursing the devil on my shoulder for convincing me to do this... but at least I didn't smoke the cigarette.
ZenConure: If you think you're going to slip up, check out /r/electronic_cigarette instead. It tastes better, and is less harmful (not saying it's harmless).
Good luck.
ARogueTrader: Actually kinda tempted to get some and mod them. I want something I can use to relax when I'm stressed. Figuring if I could find some way to vaporize mint/tea leaves inside an e-cig or e-pipe (if that's a thing), then I'd just have something to suck on and help me take long, deep breaths.
ZenConure: I don't know anything about that side of the hobby... but /r/vaporents can probably help... the equipment is a little different
ARogueTrader: Thanks. I'll look into it.
hitlers_one_nut: there are vapes for "tobacco use only" that would probably work well, but the easier solution is to get mint flavored liquid with no nicotine
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1408313619 | 1408376410 | t3_2du011 | t5_2to41 | 13 | themonkery: TIFU by accidentally becoming anorexic.
I'm 6 feet tall, and as of 6 - 10 months ago I weighed 185 pounds. To really explain this story I have to go back to October of last year. I got a job at Dunkin Donuts and ate a lot of the stuff there. I came into the job thinking I could lose maybe 10 pounds. This was proven by the fact that I was skinny but people sad I had a huge butt. I stopped eating all the food at Dunkin and cut soda out of my diet, so by the time I quit 4 months ago I no longer had the bubble butt.
It was the start of May, I got my wisdom teeth removed. I had a few complications so the pain was worse than it normally would be; I couldn't eat solid foods for almost a week. During that time, I ate one meal a day as well as a homemade milkshake. The meal was always soup put through a blender for dinner and the milkshake was for lunch. Afterwards, my teeth still hurt pretty bad for a week or two so I still only really ate two meals a day max. Come summer, I left on a cross country road trip by myself for two weeks. I was responsible for feeding myself so I ate about twice a day. Two days into this trip I weighed myself at a friend's house I was staying at. The scale said 157 pounds.
In retrospect, the scale was probably like 10 pounds off. "Great!" I thought, "I don't think I need to lose anymore weight!" Well, it's all fine and dandy and I was probably eating twice a day, then I went to the doctor. They said I was up to 175 pounds. I was shocked that so much was back. Something strange happened and I just stopped feeling hungry. Like, when you are sick and one of the symptoms is you don't want to eat anything and are never hungry, but you know your body still needs to eat? That's how I felt all the time. So I started eating less, a lot less. I've been eating probably one substantial meal a day with a snack of veggies or something cause didn't fill me up so it felt like I wasn't eating. There have been many days where I realize I haven't eaten anything for 24 hours so I eat a meal.
I brought a tv to the basement by myself about a half a year ago. A couple days ago I tried to carry it back up but I couldn't lift it. I thought, "Wow, I need to hit the gym." Which was really strange to me because the last time I lifted it I didn't go to the gym. I smoke weed, and most of the time I smoke I eat a ton of food. I usually feel pretty bad about it, cause I think I eat healthy and then I get high and put tons of food down. Today I woke up still high from last night, and snacked on some pizza at 10am only because I was still high even though I ate a lot of pizza last night too. Then today at 4 pm I had a couple friends over and my stomach hurt a LOT which it never has before. Then my friend asked me when I last ate, to which I replied 10am, and he said that was really unhealthy. I retorted with how he's obviously wrong, because I've gone 24 hours without food on multiple occasions. To which he replied that it was REALLY unhealthy I was doing that plus the pizza was just empty calories, he went to the kitchen and made me a PB&J. When he gave it to me he told me how he used to be anorexic and that pain I was getting was the same thing he used to get. Then it all sort of fit together.
I lost so much weight because my body was eating itself. I couldn't lift the tv because my body had to eat my muscles to keep going. I probably eat so much when I'm high because my body is taking advantage of the munchies, when I get high and I'm full I can just ignore them. So basically, I didn't realize it, but I became anorexic. My friends laughed that I didn't even realize it, and I just sat there shocked for about 5 minutes. Needless to say, I think I'm going to start scheduling some meals.
comedygene: Pro tip, keep the bubble butt. Guys like it.
themonkery: If only I wasn't a straight male
comedygene: woops, you sounded like a woman, no offense. guys dont get "bubble butts" typically.
themonkery: Im aware, trust me the terminology wouldn't have been used if it wasn't applicable
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1408310725 | 1408383384 | t3_2dtvj3 | t5_2to41 | 54 | Furrocious95: TIFU by sending the wrong message to my youth pastor
So like most of these stories, this happened a couple of months back. Back story: I work at the library at my college and I had recently gotten my supervisor into Game of Thrones.
So one night I was having a discussion with one of my co-workers about how she should watch Game of Thrones, because it is the best show ever. My friend, let's call him Landon, walks up and joins in the conversation along with my supervisor, let's call her Carrie. So Carrie starts telling my co-worker that she doesn't need to watch it because all it shows so many dicks. So I told her that there was not that many dicks in the show, and that she was over-exaggerating, I told her that there were only four in the show. Fast forward to the end of my shift, I went back to my room and Googled it, because I like to be right, which I was. So I sent both Landon and Carrie a text telling them how many penises there were and where each of them were in the show. However, I didn't realize at the time that I didn't have Landon's phone number, and since I don't put last names in my phone I just assumed that Landon was the only Landon I knew... I had forgotten that was also my youth pastors name. So I go to sleep all happy and satisfied that I was correct and they were wrong. I woke up the next morning with a concerned text from my youth pastor and decided to skip out on church for the next few weeks.
TL;DR I sent my youth pastor a detailed text about all of the penises in Game of Thrones.
Ame28: What did he reply
Furrocious95: He was concerned with why I was texting him about different types of peni, but he was cool about it after I explained myself.
Shadrixian: > why I was texting him about different types of peni,
I fucking lost it at this.
trampabroad: For the night is dark and full of terrors.
VeraciousBuffalo: FTFY
>For the night is dark and full of peni.
| 6 | 9 | |
1408316722 | 1408328318 | t3_2du4qo | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my dildo in the closet
This happened a couple of hours ago...
So my friend (we'll call him Bob) has been good friends with his weed dealer since high school (we're juniors in college). Apparently his friend has an affinity for phallic objects, so he owns a massive dildo. MASSIVE. Like "this thing could be considered a weapon" massive. Just huge. Anyways, he gave my friend the dildo because he thought it would be funny, which it was when we first saw it. That was about a year ago and since then the dildo has been in the back of the drawer collecting dust, until about a week ago when Bob brought it out and suctioned it to the ceiling. We laughed about it and threw it in the linen closet since we never use it and forgot about it. Until today. We just moved into our new apartment together, us and two other friends. One of them being Carl. Carl moved in a week later than we did, so he just got up here today. His parents came with him to send him off and bring his things up on a trailer. So as Carl and his parents are moving in his things, Carl is showing them around. He shows them the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom, and then the damn linen closet. Right as they opened the door Bob began laughing out loud, followed by Carl's mom yelling "Oh my God!". Then silence. The door closed slowly and Carl attempted to explain the situation, but only said "It's a long story". His parents then walked out to their car without looking at us and said goodbye to Carl outside.
TLDR: Parents found our gag synthetic meat stick in the linen closet.
Bexxxie: Reading this, the only thing I could think of is the dildo that you *can* use as a weapon in Saint's Row.
Edit: phrasing.
Nohalfmeasures00: Me too
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408318789 | 1408388154 | t3_2du7tq | t5_2to41 | 49 | throwfarfaraway19: NSFW TIFU by not cleaning up after myself
Using a throwaway for soon to be obvious reasons.
So first of all, I still live with my single mom and I'm a furry, she does not know this and I doubt she even understands what a furry is.
Secondly, one of my more unusual fetishes is yiff.
So tonight I was having fapping like many of us do, except I was fapping to yiff. Usually I have a tissue with me to clean up the mess, much of which lands on my chair, however tonight I did not.
So I go downstairs to the bathroom, at this point I must mention that I am very easily distracted, and I have a quick wizz when suddenly I decide I'm hungry. Instead of grabbing a tissue, I take my time to make a sandwich and I hear my mom's door open... This doesn't affect me whatsoever as at this point I completely forgot about my little mess. I go back upstairs, sit at my desk and eat my sandwich whilst watching an episode of Futurama...
Then it hits me.
My mess has already been cleaned up...
Even worse, I left my yiff porn on the monitor...
I remember hearing my mom open her door...
I realise that my mom, who knows nothing of furries, now knows my weird fetish and probably thinks I'm some sort of freak and right now I'm praying that she decides to just never mention it whatsoever... Ever.
FLGulf: Maybe it's a sign that she wants to fap with you.
veigarthor: Wtf ?
[deleted]: You see he is not furry he is incest...
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1408316787 | 1408320288 | t3_2du4uy | t5_2to41 | 22 | pokesaurusrex: TIFU By trying to save a spider.
Happened last Monday, to be honest.
As a little bit of a background, I live in the middle of the woods, so I'm no stranger to any assortment of bugs and usually am called by my mother to "take care of them". But one thing I try to never do is kill spiders. I know they're super creepy and I even get kind of scared of them, but they kill the even creepier bugs, so I usually just try and put them outside to make their webs somewhere with more traffic.
So I was driving to work in the morning when I saw this weird shadow on the dashboard. For a split second, I thought nothing of it. Until it started to move. I quickly looked at my windshield and saw this tiny little brown spider trying to crawl up the glass, a task it was failing at horribly. I couldn't stop because I was driving on a two-lane back road without any shoulders and few driveways to stop in, so I had to sit there for a good 10 minutes or so and just watch it, hoping it didn't attack.
Eventually, I reach a stop sign and, after ensuring no one was behind me, I grabbed a tissue and opened my window to throw it outside. I managed to grab it without killing it, but somewhere in the foot-long distance between the windshield and the open window, the spider found a way to crawl out of the tissue and disappear into the car. Now I'm pretty sure it wasn't poisonous, but I couldn't be sure, so for the entire drive to work (and now whenever I get into my car) I assume that a small spider is amassing an army of little spiders and other bugs to attack me when I least expect it.
TL;DR I tried to save a spider in my car but accidentally set it free in said car to plot my death.
DefJessard97: Sorry to say this OP, but you know what you must do.... BLOW UP YOUR FUCKING CAR! ;(
Ame28: Burn that sucker
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1408320200 | 1408321859 | t3_2du9u8 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by scratching my leg in the middle of the grocery store.
I was doing my normal Sunday afternoon shopping in my local grocery store. The back of my calf started itching so I had the bright idea that I would scratch it with my foot as I was walking. That's where I fucked up. I guess my foot came in a little hot and I essentially kicked my own leg out from under me. Down I went, right in the middle of the grocery store. I somehow managed to throw my hand basket clear across the aisle and I'm pretty sure I yelped like a little girl. The worst part? This little old lady picked up stuff from my basket and handed it back to me.
dingustard: I guess you can never go back to that grocery store. If you're lucky it happened at Walmart.
[deleted]: Nope, not at a Walmart. Just my local grocery store where I go 2-3 times a week and know most of the people that work there.
dingustard: How unfortunate
| 4 | 5 | |
1408321122 | 1408385306 | t3_2dub5i | t5_2to41 | 530 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating in the backseat while my mom and stepdad sat in front.
Backstory: We were driving home from a vacation, on the second day of driving back. I haven't seen my girlfriend for a week and a half by this point and I'm going crazy. She and I start texting back and forth about what's going to happen when I see her soon, I end up with an awkward boner.
My mom is driving, with earbuds in. My stepdad is in the passenger seat leaned back, but sleeping with his head facing the right window. I'm behind my mom. So no one can see me, I'm hard as diamonds and with a week and a half's worth of sexual frustration built up, and pictures she had sent me on my phone.
I slowly pull the zipper down and put a pillow pet I had brought(they're comfy as shit) on my lap, and slide my hand in. When I get close, I think about stopping, and look around to see if there's anything I could cum into. Nothing. For some reason I decided to be a complete dumbass and hoped my boxers would soak it up. Then proceeded to shoot the biggest load I've ever managed in my life. I look down and it's soaked through my shorts, and is incredibly obvious.
Realizing how much I had truly fucked up, I looked around, grabbed a bottle of Voltage Mountain Dew, and calmly poured it all over my lap, and immediately busted out with surprised cursing. Told everyone I had spilled my drink on myself, and had to wait another fifty miles with my junk floating in a river of Mountain Dew until we finally saw a McDonalds(we were driving on back roads), and went in to change my shorts.
I fucked up guys. And I'll never tell anyone this story.
(Except for reddit. Keep it quiet.)
[deleted]: Don't worry they know what semen smells like.
No___One___Ever: I did this exact same thing. EXCEPT I WAS LIKE 5 YEARS OLD.. you think an older person would be smarter.
Ame28: U jacked off when u were 5. Fun.
No___One___Ever: Well probably 7 or 8.. I don't really remember my exact age.
Ame28: No one ever but you
No___One___Ever: People are fucking idiots then
| 7 | 75.714286 | |
1408322082 | 1408331230 | t3_2duchx | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by snooping through my SO's phone
So I've been with this guy for a few months now (I'm a woman) and he is always acting suspicious like he's hiding something. He's not very good at hiding things and everything he says checks out so I never really thought that if he is hiding anything, that it's that serious or substantial. Plus, I was pretty sure he wasn't cheating on me. So he went out to get pizza last night and I stayed back and he accidentally left his phone which is really rare for him to do, since it's on him constantly. I was hesitant but it was the perfect opportunity to snoop through his phone with no pass code on it. So I look through texts and Facebook messages and nothing out of the ordinary. I look at browser history and find man-to-woman transvestite porn. I think ok, that's not too bad, could find worse things. And then I look at his dating app and see his user account that's male seeking male that was obviously used, mostly messages from like 2011 (at which point we weren't together yet). At this point I'm like wtf. NO idea that he had these sexual tendencies and what brought it home for me was that he was actively looking to hook up with dudes. I'm pretty sure almost no one else knows about it. He has pictures of women too, so besides the fact that he's into me, I know he likes women too. I guess he likes the body of a woman but likes to have anal sex? It's the classic dilemma of needing to talk about it but not wanting him to know I went through his stuff and invaded his privacy. It sounds terrible but I don't even know how comfortable I'd be in the relationship even if we stayed together. I don't know what to do :(
**tl;dr**: Went through boyfriend's phone, found tranny porn and his gay dating site profile.
[deleted]: Confront him. Tell him you invaded his privacy. It's only way out of hole you've dug.
Angdrambor: I concur. It's one of those things that can go both ways. A sincere apology can deepen trust between you, but letting him know you've been snooping can ruin trust.
A better understanding of your partner's sexuality is always beneficial, and might be worth some time in the doghouse.
[deleted]: Trust is ruined regardless if she confesses snooping or not. Put it all out in the open and there is chance to move on. Keep it secret and the only outcome is eventual collapse of friendship.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1408322466 | 1408340914 | t3_2dud13 | t5_2to41 | 8 | pokemino: TIFU by writing an explicit fanfiction of me and my homophobic classmate
I’m a high school student who’s entering his senior year. I’m also bisexual, with an inclination towards males. In the beginning of junior year, I saw two familiar faces of importance in this story. I didn't know either of them well, but I've liked one of them (let’s call him Aaron) for a very long time. The other, (let’s call him Brent) I knew because we shared a class last year. Aaron, Brent, and I all share a class; it’s a triple period class at that. Aaron, Brent and another kid (let’s call him Alvin, someone I met for the first time in this class) are all pretty good friends. Being that we spend a third of the school day together and that we sit at desks nearby, eventually, I start to get closer and closer to these guys, I start to build more and more trust with them, I start to like Aaron more and more. The thing is, a part of me really didn't want Aaron to know how I felt about him because I was scared it would screw up our friendship, but another part of me wanted to find out how he would react if he knew (what I mean by that is I wanted to test the infinitesimal chance that he felt anything back—an important detail I should add is that Aaron’s a rather homophobic Christian.) That latter part seemed to subconsciously dominate, because in hindsight, I did unintentionally send a lot of signals suggestive of how I felt about Aaron. I would bring up things that indicated I've been on his Facebook profile, I would often take pictures of him (mainly for Snapchat I should add), and I would tend to get kind of touchy with him.
By April, we’re all pretty close. I have a bunch of friends who know how I feel about Aaron, but I haven’t told anyone in that triple period class yet. I’m kind of closeted, but I usually come out to people who I’m close to. So, I decided to slowly confess to Brent. It was almost Aaron’s birthday, and the three of us (Alvin, me, and Brent) wanted to go out and do something for Aaron’s birthday. On a Facebook group chat, all three of us were trying to convince Aaron to celebrate his birthday with us. At around the same time, I was talking to Brent privately on Facebook, and slowly tested the waters by jokingly talking about my liking Aaron. He seemed to receive it well, so I went on to make it clear that I wasn't actually kidding. Eventually it started to seem like he believed me, so I told him not to ever mention anything we discussed in private chat to anyone. Over a span of a few days, we continue to talk about it, and “it feels nice talking about this shit with someone who knows [Aaron] well” (from a message between me and Brent.) One day, the context of our conversation prompted me to write a short paragraph of a fantasy between me and Aaron. It was SFW, and Brent found it funny, commenting that it was a great piece of writing. One thing led to another, and I ended up extending this anecdote to a 1 page NSFW fantastory. I showed Brent a screenshot of it… which was where I fucked up first. He didn't really react much to it; he said that he would read it later. My showing Brent the NSFW fantastory happened one day after Aaron’s birthday (Aaron was busy on his birthday so we didn't celebrate that day.)
A couple of days later, we did end up going to the movies as a late birthday celebration. After we went home, we were discussing the movies on the group chat. Right smack dab in the middle of this conversation, Brent messaged the screenshot of my fantastory in the group chat, accompanied by a message that did a terrible job seguing from movies to fantasy sex. I froze, and within the minute, I flooded the group chat with Pusheen stickers. I tapped every sticker as fast as I could, and Facebook took a while to process it. A sticker appeared about every second. While the group chat was filling up with cat stickers, I privately messaged Brent, asking him why he would do that. He said he thought all of this was a joke/gimmick. Distraught over the incident, I played if off like it all *was* a joke. My trust with Brent was shattered right then and there. The Pusheen flood went on for 5 minutes before Facebook stopped sending stickers and I felt satisfied with the fluff. I was hoping no one would scroll up. Since we were discussing a horror movie, I made up the excuse that I had to flush out the scariness with Pusheen cuteness. Smooth. It seemed to work though, since nobody said anything about it afterwards.
Until the last month of the school year came along. We already took the required exam for our class and were having it easy. One day when we were bored, Alvin asked me which girls I thought were the hottest in the class. One thing led to another… and I ended up coming out to him, and telling him that I liked Aaron. I also straight up told him I was bi, to avoid any misunderstandings. Again, I made him promise me that he wouldn't tell anyone my secret.
It was around this time, Aaron and I began to drift apart. One day, Aaron messages me out of the blue, asking if I'm gay. I tried beating around the bush for a good hour. During this time, Aaron brings up all the things I would do that he thought was indicative of my being gay, like the picture taking and and touchiness and all that. It all boiled down to this message:
> i read that stuff you wrote
> scrolled up in the group chat
My heart caught in my throat. I knew right then and there how badly I fucked up, how I trusted be and had no idea what to do or say. I asked a friend who knew about my situation for suggestions on how to continue the conversation with Aaron. I decided to lie and pretend that it wasn't me who wrote the fantastory, it was someone else. He didn't believe me. Well I knew that he was lying too, because he definitely didn't scroll up. Had he done that, he would've confronted me about it way earlier. By logic, I knew someone showed him it, and the first person I turned to was Brent.
The following days in class were extremely awkward. I could barely look in Aaron’s direction. Over the course of these few days, I was asking Brent about what was going on. He tells me his side of the story. Apparently, because he was bored in class, Alvin told Brent my secret during their exclusively shared class—exactly what I urged Alvin not to do. Then Brent brought up the fantastory from two months back because it was relevant to their conversation. Alvin was shocked at what I wrote and thought it would be a good idea to show it to Aaron. I later asked Alvin too, who confirmed what had happened. I was really pissed at what these two did. They both just took huge, steaming shits on the promises we made.
After coming clean with Aaron, I hand wrote an apology note to him. I had a friend give it to him, and she told me that Aaron said it didn't really change anything. I’m at wit’s end. I don’t want to see any of them ever again. I’m praying that I don’t share any classes with any of them senior year. I learned not to trust people so readily.
**TL;DR** I wrote a gay NSFW story about me and my crush and entrusted it to a friend(1) . He showed it to my crush, and I automatically tried to cover it up; my crush didn't see it. I lost my trust with friend(1). I came out to a different friend(2), who wasn't supposed to tell anyone. This guy goes on to tell friend(1), who then shows the NSFW story to friend(2), and then friend(2) thinks it’s a good idea to show my crush. My trust in of both of them dissolved, and now I'm embarrassed to even look at my crush. In total, I lost three friends (including my crush) in one go.
FangzV: You have absolutely shitty friends and if you ever interact with those Alvin and Brent kids again, you should call them out on it.
pokemino: Well, I did call them out on it a while back, when Brent was telling me his story of what happened.
I asked Alvin why he showed the fantastory to Aaron, especially without coming to me first. I kept asking him why he went and stabbed my back like that. Well apparently, before Alvin read the story, he was fine with my sexuality and all that. But somehow, right after he read the story, he became homophobic (actually, Brent said Alvin was uncomfortable knowing my secret from the moment I told him; I honestly don't know what to believe.) He said he was creeped out, he got scared for Aaron's life, he felt Aaron had a right to know. That's all I really got from our last conversation, cause he didn't want to explain himself anymore, and I was pissed and was tiring from discussing the matter with him cause he kept sidestepping my questions.
For Brent, like I said, he was the one who told me the full story. Though I feel there may have been some biases in his story to win points for himself, it's where I got a lot of information. The thing is, I was learning so much about the whole situation from him, I was feeling satisfied enough not to ask many questions. It was only a later that I started to realize that there were questions left unanswered. For example, he saw how I reacted the first time to putting my fantastory in the group chat; I told him to please never bring up that shit again, ever. Why did he show Alvin in their shared class? I guess I'll never know now because Brent told me towards the end of his explanation of the situation that he didn't want to be a part of this whole fiasco anymore. He didn't want to hear anything about it anymore and said that whatever's left to be sorted out is between the rest of us.
yup.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408322328 | 1408324702 | t3_2ducto | t5_2to41 | 10 | KarmaToBurn: TIFU: By robbing a grocery store. With the help of the cashier.
This is a fresh one, just last night.
So I was recently conned myself. Lost my credit cards to a party girl.
Had to buy a debit card for refill to pay bills and do money transfers.
I don't do banks. I had just the temp card plenty of money in the account. So when I asked for cash back at the grocery store, I knew it would be no problem. I had told my son, I really just need fried chicken and cash back to pay my room rent.
The cashier actually helped me do the transaction, called out what I thought was the right amount.
"Would you like that in twenties, sir?"
That would be fine.
Have a nice night dear, thanks.
Today I checked my balance on the debit card...
[-] 42.07, no show on the Hun-back.
I called my son, she had handed *him* the recpt.
It also said -42.07
So i tried my card at another store for cash back.
Sorry Sir. The Beer & chicken went through but, the cash back did not.
So I asked her how can you tell?
"Well, it just did not come through on the recpt."
Xezlec: You might want to try to fix that. I'd be worried you could get in trouble even though it wasn't your fault. The law isn't always fair.
KarmaToBurn: on the phone right now with the store.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408324338 | 1408369506 | t3_2dufq4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my cousin horny on her b-day
Just another fuck up that didnt happen today.
It happened a few years ago and we were at my cousins b-day party
A bit of background here: i went to the same highschool as my cousin and she was like bloody kate upton in the eyes of my classmates.
So i was sitting between my grandma and my uncle when my cousin asked me how my classmates call my cousin, first is said it somewhat quiet but because she couldnt hear me i shouted like i was in the middle of a metallica concert that they find her horny(dont know if thats the way to say it in english) and just as i endend the sentence the whole room was quiet. I just went to another room and joined my little cousin playing with cars
TL;DR (please explain what it means) young me fucked up by shouting too hard that my classmates find her horny at her b-day
Ame28: Horny. As in a slut. U don't know what that means.
Voyager5555: I'm not sure that being horny and a slut are synonymous.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408325855 | 1408372604 | t3_2duhxh | t5_2to41 | 4,628 | ThrowawayFookUp: TIFU by leaving a conference call on while I went to pick up my wife. (NSFW)
Around 4 months ago I put in for PTO time so I could take my wife and son on vacation. After making all my arrangements my boss came up and asked if I could reschedule my vacation because there was a very important meeting the week I scheduled my vacation. I told him I couldn't really reschedule anything and finally we settled with me being on a webcam/conference call type deal for the meeting.
I agreed and went on vacation, well come time for the meeting I set up my laptop in the hotel room. The meeting was fairly early in the morning so I woke up and I dropped my wife off at some tourist trap she wanted to see. The place she was going wasn't for kids so my son stayed and slept. I came back to the hotel and the meeting started. The meeting went well for the most part.
1 hour into the meeting my wife called and needed picked up. I told my boss I had to go get my wife id be back in 20 minutes. So I left to go get my wife, I left my son in the hotel and told him id be back in 20 minutes. I screen locked the laptop, I didn't know they could still see and hear everything with the laptop locked but they could. Long story short after I left my 13 year old son decided it would be a good time to jerk off, so he did. In front of my boss and about 20+ other employees on the conference call. They seemed to be OK about the whole situation and I wasn't fired. Still however the most embarrassing thing ever.
TL;DR My kid masturbated in front of my bosses and some other employees. Update: few questions I'll answer. My wife cannot drive because she has epilepsy, she used to drive but stopped after she started having frequent seizures. Also they did end the call after somebody pointed it out, from what my friend told me he noticed about 6 minutes after I left when some lady pointed it out and after that it was cut within a minute.
aesebu55: Did you tell your son what happened?
ThrowawayFookUp: Nope its a secret until he is at least in his 30s, might even take it to my grave. I'm not even gonna tell my wife. The worse thing is one of my co-workers is his best friends dad. Hope it doesn't make things strange when he goes and visits his friend. I texted him and asked him kindly to just pretend like it never happened and he seemed very understanding and kinda thought the whole thing was funny.
update: I feel like telling him would embarrass him. You can't be embarrassed about something you don't know you did. If I tell him, it might be on his mind for a long long time. I don't want him to think about it. Since he has no clue it happened he can't really be embarrassed about it.
westcoastmaximalist: you should at least confront him about his potential masturbation problem
boynxdor: You really think he should "confront" a 13yo and say he has "a potential masturbation problem" when he waited for the only bit of privacy he might get on a family holiday?
westcoastmaximalist: I mean could he really not wait a week or whatever until he got home. It's just gross/weird to jack off in a hotel room, where other people will stay and are currently staying and sleeping. Jacking off can leave a musky smell too.
[deleted]: You know people masturbate and have sex in hotel rooms all the time right? Probably less than 24 hours before you arrive
westcoastmaximalist: yeah and most people eat meat, are barely literate, voted for obama, watch dancing with the stars, support capitalism, and have never read borges. what's your point here? most people are SHIT. I already knew it.
[deleted]: My point is it's not strange, it's very common. He doesn't have a masturbation problem, 95% of 13 year old boys would do the same thing.
I would say arrogance is also a 'SHIT' characteristic as well.
westcoastmaximalist: regardless of whether it's prominent, it's still a problem. and you can't leave alone a problem just because it's a popular problem.
and why are you implying that I'm arrogant???
[deleted]: It's not a problem, it doesn't harm anyone. You're clearly implying you're better than most 'SHIT' people because you don't eat meat, read borges etc.
westcoastmaximalist: >It's not a problem, it doesn't harm anyone.
not rally. most pornography is very hurtful to women (via objectification and degradation) or others (eg by objectifying people of a certain race thru race-based pornography). but also refraining from degrading, self-serving pleasure is shown to increase enlightenment and ability of man across all areas. i myself have been an ascetic since the age of 9 and have since then heightened my spiritual awareness and base aura. I also once warded off a djinn. really the benefits are not just for the self but for everyone. every increase in productivity and knowledge benefits man as a whole. I'm not saying OP's 13 y/o son Jacking Off is the sole reason why we have yet to attain come into contact with alien life but if everyone stopped Jacking Off we would be a lot more advanced in society.
>You're clearly implying you're better than most 'SHIT' people because you don't eat meat, read borges etc.
it's not arrogant, it's what I feel is an objective assessment. that's like u saying Alberto Einstein is 'arrogant' for realizing he's smarter than most ppl.
wodahSShadow: You're a treasure, absolutely hilarious.
| 13 | 356 | |
1408326185 | 1408328067 | t3_2duiez | t5_2to41 | 4 | TheRearEnder69: TIFU By rear ending a neckbeard
Nohalfmeasures00: What kind of truck you got?
TheRearEnder69: ford f 150
TheMartinG: Nice what color?
TheRearEnder69: red
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1408328873 | 1408332574 | t3_2dumcz | t5_2to41 | 41 | throwaway0sub: TIFU by flirting with my boss
I should be specific, this is not my boss, but rather my boss's boss's boss. For context, I work for the government, and the man I am speaking about is pretty much the head of the department that I work for. He's a pretty big deal. Also, please note that HR reports to this man. I am 36, and a single mother of 2.
So this guy, let's call him Jerry, lives about a mile away from me. As we leave work, he frequently offers me a ride home, which I always decline. I'm generally a very private person, and would rather take the train by myself and not be forced into small talk. So a few weeks ago, jerry offered me a ride home, and for some reason I said yes. it was about to storm, I was wearing uncomfortable shoes, and so I said fuck it why not. Jerry drives me home, we chat and it's not awkward at all. so the next day, Jerry emails me a message to the effect of "here's my personal cell number, we are basically neighbors so if you ever need anything, give me a buzz." I said thanks and gave him mine in return, not really thinking anything of it. I am a single mom in kindof a tight position, so I just assumed he was trying to look out for me, as some good guys do.
Fast forward a few days, and I go on vacation for a week. Jerry texts me saying have a good time, etc... we start a conversation on text. over the following week, we text basically every day... for maybe a total of about 200 messages. none of the texts are vulgar, rude, or sexual in any way. There is some kindof tongue in cheek flirtation, but nothing overt. but the fact that he texted me so much tells me that he is interested in more than just friendship.
Here's the thing... I have no idea why I'm doing this! I know that dating someone at work is a horrid idea, particularly given the fact that this man is 20 years older than me and already has an on again/off again thing with another woman at the office. I just love the attention. I was fat and ugly for most of my life and now have made this awesome transformation and men find me attractive and sexy and when they give me attention like this it's like a drug to me. however he is very nice! and attractive and fit and funny... maybe a date with him wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing?
now I have to go back to work tomorrow and face this man. I feel like he's going to ask me out, and I have no idea what to say. advice appreciated
tl;dr I flirted with my boss even though I'm not sure if I'm actually interested in him
HidingInMyHideyHole: Do not date within your chain of command. Unless you want to be the next on and off office fling everybody gossips about.
Plus if something goes wrong and your job gets bad because of him, will you be able to report him?
throwaway0sub: I do not report to him directly. the head of my division does though.
HidingInMyHideyHole: That wasn't what I meant, sorry if I wasn't clear. Say you two date and breakup, and he takes it badly. All of the sudden you have a shitty work environment and it's his fault. Will you be able to report him?
throwaway0sub: I don't know who I could even report him to. he's basically top dog. I also find that kindof sexy.... but I'm the type of person who generally makes bad decisions about these things. I've dated teachers, married men, you name it.... but never a boss. this is like the icing on my cliche dating habits
lizardking91: Well, from what you have said, my advice is not really going to have any impact. If you want to make a bad decision, make one. But since you seem to be seeking input online, I will give it.
IMO what the above poster said is correct, DO NOT, date within your chain of command. (In the office / organisation is bad, but nothing is worse than within your actual reporting line).
When this ends, and I guarantee it will. You are going to have to find another job. It also looks unprofessional, the office gossip will 100% get around, this is going to end terribly.
I personally, would not go there if I was you, but I can understand that you need the attention as you are likely very lonely. I just think you are looking for it in a terrible place... goodluck
| 6 | 6.833333 | |
1408320468 | 1408363905 | t3_2dua8n | t5_2to41 | 2 | ThatRedPanda11: TIFU by Drinking my Friends Piss
So this happened a few months back. It was my friends birthday (we'll call him Jason) so me and my other friend (Let's call him Connor) went over to his house to hang out. We got bored so decided to go to the local dollar store to waste money. We spent about $50 on chips, pop (soda), energy drinks and candy. I bought 2 1-liter bottles of apple juice just for me which you couldn't see what's inside as the bottle was cardboard. (or similar idk, I just couldn't see inside) When we got back to his house we were playing GTA V in two seperate rooms. I was with Jason's brother and Connor and Jason were in the other room. We had a cooler full of all the stuff we bought so Jason came in and took my apple juice without me knowing. He snuck it back in while I was in the middle of a race. When I was done I turned around to grab it. (I assumed it was warm because the cooler we were using was broken) I started to drink it when Connor start's laughing, at this point I knew they were up to something so I spit that shit (or I guess piss?) out. I asked them why they were laughing and they told me Jason had pissed in it. Thank God I had a cold and couldn't taste any of it. For the rest of the day Jason was calling me gay, but I didn't know and he wanted me to drink his piss...so I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
Please, for the love of Ghandi, never drink piss.
DatWalrusDoe: You have shitty friends.
ThatRedPanda11: Yep, I need to get him back somehow, I was thinking rip his balls off, any ideas?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408328868 | 1408331560 | t3_2dumcm | t5_2to41 | 22 | Fuck_Keyboard_Shortc: TIFU by sending a screenshot of my porn session to a friend
Hi, guys. I'm a long time lurker here, but never thought I would have a fuck up worthy of posting. Me? As bad as those people who shit themselves in public? No. Never.
I was wrong.
Earlier today, I opted to engage in a session of some fapping & porn. Around that same time, I also thought it'd be a good idea to have a conversation with a casual friend of mine on Facebook. Not the best idea, but, c'mon, what's the worst that could happen, right?
Now, it's worth mentioning that, in our back and forth conversation, our messages can get pretty long, so I've taken to writing my responses on the Sticky Notes app on Windows, and then just CTRL+V'ing said response to Facebook chat.
You might be seeing where this went wrong.
My fap session's been over for at least 5-10 minutes, and I decide to send one last message to my friend before grabbing dinner. I thought that I'd selected the text that I'd written, but as I hit CTRL+V in the chat box, I see that an image is uploading, and not text.
*The fuck?*
Lo and behold, it's a screenshot of all the porn tabs open on my window. All of them. And, naturally, it's fucked up stuff. The only way I understand that this could've happened is if I somehow managed to hit the Print Screen key, but that makes no sense, since it's nowhere near any of the keys I would've hit on my keyboard. Naturally. I delete the message as quickly as I can, hoping that he wouldn't have seen it, but, alas, I'm too slow, and I get the dreaded "..?" in response.
*Oh, boy.*
Upon realization that I have indeed just sent a screenshot of my porn viewing to a casual friend of mine, I decided to just say, "Fuck it", and go downstairs to eat. Dinner was delicious.
TL;DR: Sent a friend a screencap of my fucked-up porn habits via FB message. Ate food afterward, currently feeling slightly better.
ElPiedPiper: Casual friends can't share fapping screens hots?? When did this happen?
MagicSkittlez: August 17th, 2014.
ElPiedPiper: So this is a very new rule
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1408326566 | 1408331632 | t3_2duizu | t5_2to41 | 10 | fluentlyfloatin: TIFU (First Car Accident)
Today I Fucked Up
I had my first car accident. On my way to work, I had to go through a road, a snakey curve that would lead on to the highway. Oh, that snakey snakey curve I do not know why they didn't just pave the road straight on the highway. Well, on this marvelous day, this snakey curve was wet since earlier in the morning it rained. Of course, preciptation seems to surprise everybody where I'm from. So As I am driving, the driver in front of me slams their breaks. Mind you I see their lights flashing red so in my head I'm like oh shit, you have to slow down. I press my brakes as I'm turning the curve and I lose control of my car as I toyko drift onto this snakey curve and my front bummer hits the curb. My car 360s onto the grassy plane my right tire deplets and my front bumper is hanging. The police arrive and give me a ticket for careless driving. My car gets towed. and I'm late to minimum wage paying job.
TIFU
comedygene: You can get the ticket dropped if your story is true. Oddly, shitty jobs have the least leniency for tardiness
fluentlyfloatin: I made it two hours late but they let me stay an extra two hours to make up for lost time. Also, I never went to fight a ticket or pay it at most this is my first time getting a ticket also. Any advice?
comedygene: Let you stay....
Anyway, talk to the DA. Have him drop it. If he wants a plea deal, goto court and emphasize the car braking ahead of you and water on the road. He'll want a guilty or not guilty, but ask for a dismissal based on that. No deal? Play it by ear. Explain the car and water every step. DA might drop it especially if you are in a small town or have no priors.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1408330128 | 1408330956 | t3_2duo85 | t5_2to41 | 12 | BobThePillager: TIFU byndeep throating a baguette
I took a trip to the grocery store today. As usual, I get a single baguette. I was really feeling it, I so wipe it out as I'm driving down the road and start eating it out. It was a really good baguette and I wasn't really paying attention to the road. As I glance up, I notice that some self righteous teen decided to J walk with even looking, with the usual "I'm a pedestrian, I can do anything" act. I slam on the breaks, and the baguette goes right down my throat. Far. Really fricken far. As I write this, I still feel the burn of some cuts on the inside. I swallowed some polysporn, which only made my tounge numb (much to my amusment) and I can thoroughly state that I have learned my lesson. If its smaller than a deer, hit it.
ElPiedPiper: This is beautiful
BobThePillager: Beautifully sad ;_;
ElPiedPiper: Which makes sad? The baguette loss or the wounds in your throat?
BobThePillager: Both
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1408325681 | 1408380112 | t3_2duhp3 | t5_2to41 | 23 | EsCaRg0t: TIFU by swallowing my guardian angel
As with most of the posts on this sub, this did not happen today.
This happened when I was a wee lad in New Jersey with two hard-working parents that needed to place me in daycare during the day.
I was raised in a large, Catholic Italian family thus my hair was always gelled back and I was dressed in polo shirts with a small metallic "guardian angel" pin attached to my collar.
Anyways, on this particular day it was towards the end when parents begin picking up their children and we were all liked up on our cots (plastic mats to nap on) waiting by the door. I apparently had a tendency to "suck" on my collar around this pin.
I can't remember exactly what happened or the science behind it but at this moment the backing on the pin crumbled under my hoover-sucking techniques and brushed the saliva lake I had accumulated on my collar as it slid down my esophagus into the acidic pit that is my stomach.
I was rushed to the hospital by my parents after the nursery called them to explain what happened and, after X-Rays confirming the silhouette of an angel in my intestines, were presented with the decision to either surgically remove it or "leave it in God's hands" and allow the angel to ride the brown highway.
My parents decided on the latter and the proceeding days were met with cellophane wrapped toilets to ensure it did pass.
My mom still has those x-rays somewhere in her memory chest.
bogartsdad: Does she still have the angel?
EsCaRg0t: I believe she does, I'm not really sure, haha.
bashfulcity: sure she does, it'll make a reappearance when you have your seed and he begins school..
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1408332009 | 1408333946 | t3_2dur0s | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying something new with my girlfriend. NSFW
So my long-term girlfriend and I have been road tripping. We have been staying with family for a few days, so we haven't had the chance to get intimate.
We reserve a hotel room for one night later on in the trip and have been looking forward to making sweet, dirty love for days.
We had talked about trying something that I have seen many times in porn. Now, I love my girlfriend, but we both like to try new, dirty things. Even if they are less than respectful things. We decided that I would try cumming on her face.
When we finally make it to our room after a long day of driving (with teasing from both parties and a case of the blue balls), we grab some food and get cleaned up for the big sex finale of the day. It seems like forever before we finally get started.
We start having amazing sex and it comes time to try the new, sticky finish.
I get over her when I'm ready and I tell that I love her and to close her eyes.
Then I start unloading my days worth of cum all over her face. It covered her forehead, eyelids and lips. I was not expecting so much to come out. Neither was she.
Just as I finished, she bursts out crying. I quickly jumped up and ran to the bathroom to grab some toilet paper. When I come back, she is balling her eyes out. I wipe her face and tell her not to open her eyes while I try and console her. I had to run back to the bathroom for more toilet paper and a damp towel to clean it all off of her. She cried for probably another twenty minutes to a half hour after I get her cleaned up.
This happened a couple of hours ago, and we didn't talk until just a few minutes ago. There have basically been no instances of major awkwardness or fights in our relationship. We have been sitting on opposite sides of our motel room until we talked. I basically ruined our stay in the name of my porn-fueled idea.
I have never felt so guilty and mean. Even though she told me she wanted me to do it, I think it was just too much. Needless to say, I will never do this EVER again.
maltedbacon: Have a conversation about it. What about it made her upset? Was it the feeling, some sense of degradation? Something you said or did during the act? Did she feel that she didn't have the option to say no? Perhaps she doesn't understand her feelings on the subject?
Make sure that she understands that your aren't asking these questions because you want to try it again, only that you want to understand what about it was upsetting for her. Make sure that she knows how you feel about it. Make sure that she understands that it isn't something you ever need to try again - that the experience was traumatic for you as well because her reaction was so unhappy and unexpected.
maltedbacon: Oh, and most importantly - don't feel guilty about this. You weren't mean. You wanted to try something. She agreed. She really didn't like it.
| 3 | 23.666667 | |
1408331515 | 1408332658 | t3_2duqbd | t5_2to41 | 16 | RobertCaliforni4: TIFU by letting my sister's puppy jump through my car window in traffic.
I've always come to TIFU to kind of brighten my day and to think to myself, "at least that didn't happen to me," when I'm stressed out. Wish that's why I was here today.
My sister recently bought herself a pit-bull newborn and we've both spent a lot of time training her and keeping her healthy, exercised, etc. She's amazingly smart and well behaved and while being only 6 months old knows more commands than my dog I grew up with who's 9 this November. I'm talking everything. She knows 'spin, paw, other paw, sit, down, high five, speak, find mommy, find uncle' and even saying squirrel in an excited tone makes her run to our patio window and push aside the curtains. Bottom line being, she's very well behaved.
We've both taken her on car rides and the word we use is 'journey.' She loves hanging out the window with both paws just barely over the edge. Its almost like she's thinking, 'I got swag' the way she leans its hilarious. And then today happened.
I'm in a busy part of town about to pull into a Sheetz parking lot going about 15 mph when the softly spiked anti pull leash we use gets tight in my hand as I hear clambering/scratching and I see her hind legs go over the edge of the passenger side window. I absolutely SLAM on my brakes while easing up on the leash but still terrified to let go. I honestly don't know how to explain how I felt. It was a mixture of pure stupor and idiocy with overwhelming fear, shock and concern. Everything from, 'Did I just run over my sister's dog?' to 'Oh my god her neck must be broken' flew threw my head like bullets.
I proceeded to try and climb from my seat to the passenger seat while still holding the leash which had loosened up a bit only to realize I wasn't in park. Idiot move #1. Then I forgot to close my armrest compartment while climbing over which then broke as I was struggling to hit the breaks and not fall over and either drag the puppy or let her lose in traffic. Idiot move #2. By this point I realize everyone and their mother is looking at me like I purposefully threw this adorable puppy out my window. Or they think I'm incredibly drunk or something. Being very shy this only worsened everything and I panicked a little bit as I decided to just finish climbing over my broken armrest which stabbed me horribly through my shirt in my lower back after I'd put the car in park to check on the puppy. I'd put her name on here but the last thing I want is for my sister to see this and know this happened to her dog in my care (This will never happen again I really do love the puppy and spend a lot of time keeping her healthy and happy). :(
I'll keep it brief I suppose as I've already made this longer than I thought it'd be. In the end, I get out of the car through my passenger door bleeding with a badly torn shirt only to sit cross legged on the side of the road while holding up traffic to console my sister's puppy who was clearly shocked by what just happened in front of around 50-100 strangers who were either held up in traffic or at the Sheetz staring/pointing at me.
And no, I definitely did not end up going to that Sheetz lol. I got my gas on the other side of town after getting a towel for my back from a friends house along the way. TIFU
TL;DR Sister's puppy jumped out of my car window in traffic outside of a busy gas station, proceeded to make an idiot of myself in a worried stupor.
Nohalfmeasures00: Well that's embarrassing and scary at least everything turned out OK.
RobertCaliforni4: No kidding, I looked her over very closely and she's completely normal so I should view this more as 'today I got lucky' now that I think about it.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1408330881 | 1408376186 | t3_2dupd8 | t5_2to41 | 39 | unspokenvolumes: [NSFW] TIFU by forgetting to properly store BoB....
So this was actually a few years ago now (about seven). I had just entered the work force. A bright fresh face ready to make millions, or you know enough to eat every day, which ever. I started my illustrious career at a novelty shop that happen to sell adult novelties along with your fake barf and titty scarves.
So skip a few months, life is well. Although more and more often I find myself wondering about those adult novelties and what they would feel like. No, no, those are horrible thoughts. I am that kid in the family that is attending college, doesn't have a kid before 18, really graduated high school, I'm the goody two shoes....but I guess what my family doesn't know won't hurt them...
I cave, buying a relatively cheap vibrator while my manager laughs. I'm still too chicken to play with it for a few weeks. After a while though I get a routine going and boy does it work for me. Until that one night when it works a little too well.
I was already tired from working both of my jobs and well I was a bit excited when I finally got home also. I figured that I would be fine having a fun night since I had no reason to get up the next day. Happy fun time ensued until I passed the fuck out barely making sure the Orange Tube (yes that was its name, it was orange) was put away.
Apparently I failed at the put away. Mother decided I needed to be up for some random visitor at the house. She opens the door calling my name. Just waking up I toss back the covers and the Orange Tube comes rolling out from under the bed. Better yet it cut on, on the the only part of my room that didn't have carpet, and right in front of the door. It was like it wanted to jump into the spot light and buzz to the world "HERE I AM!!!" Mother busts into to uncontrolled laughter and closes the door on my shame.
I expect something when I come out of the room. A comment, a question, a something. Mother is not one to leave something like this alone. I try to sneak through the house but this is a day for failure as I walk right into the room with my mother. Nothing is said. For years. I am amazed, she didn't say a word about it until a few months ago (nearly 7 years later) when I brought a boy home to met the family.
My uncle proceeds with the normal threats of 'she is our good girl, my child's role model, fuck up her life and I fuck up you' and what not. My mother gets this look, this smile, I see it and I am confused. What in the world is that about its like she just remember something funny...
"Oh yeah the role model with vibrators hidden beneath her bed." And there it is, in front of my uncles, my aunts, a set of grandparents, one older cousin, two slightly younger cousins, and a guy I really like. "You know the one Unspoken, orange, about so long," she holds her hands apart like it was a fish, "that one."
The boyfriend, not realizing I'm already mortified tried to stick up for me in the worst way possible, "She doesn't have that one anymore."
They named a new shade of red after my face. Still getting picked on for something I was thought was forgotten about....fuck.
TL;DR: Young, naive, bought vibrator, used vibrator, forgot to properly store carry on baggage, during turbulence it fell out in front of mother, buzzing across the floor like a snail with parkinson's. Years later mother uses incident to embarrass me in front of family and new boyfriend....
EDIT: So after the 'he's a keeper comments' I figured I'd mention that he and I are no longer together. I work 50+ hours a week and attend college and have over an hour commute to both. I didn't and don't have the time for a relationship and I felt that he would could find someone better.
Also a titty scarf is plush titties connected by a string or actual scarf intended to be worn by males so that they appear to have naked bobbies on their chests.
Teotwawki69: >and titty scarfs.
As familiar as I am with the adult novelty market, I'm still not sure whether these are scarves *for* boobs or scarves with pictures of boobs on them...
BTW, it is now your sacred duty to dig up that one embarrassing bit of dirt on your mom (ask her mom, if possible) and then hold onto it until just the right occasion... The right, very public occasion.
The BF sounds like a keeper, though.
unspokenvolumes: Sadly not with the BF anymore, I kinda don't have time for relationships with how my life is at the moment. Easier to be single. Sad but true life of living over an hour away from work and school.
The grandparents have given me some ammo but nothing on the same scale. My mother was a wild child and not afraid to admit it. Typically you can ask her a question about something and she'll answer. Like have you ever (insert action) with (insert number of people) while (insert another action) while on (insert something else) and you'll learn way more then you ever wanted to know.
The titty scarfs had plush titties on the ends, they were intended for wearing by males so that appeared to have a naked booby (or set depending on if you wore it preppy or traditional) on their chest.
Teotwawki69: > Like have you ever (insert action) with (insert number of people) while (insert another action) while on (insert something else) and you'll learn way more then you ever wanted to know.
Wow -- lusty mom Mad Libs. This could become a new reddit game...
Jackhammered / twelve / tripping balls / on oven cleaner.
And so that's a titty scarf. And plush titties, no less. Wow.
unspokenvolumes: Could be interesting for creating some awesome stories lol.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1408332566 | 1408333300 | t3_2durt8 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my wallet with my black amex alone in a club
suprementyo: TIFU by being irresponsible with my wealthy parents money.
jshuster: /u/suprementyo: you hit the nail on the head.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408332309 | 1408333679 | t3_2durgo | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to fulfill my boyfriend's fantasy
Alright, so some back story. I am currently dating my boyfriend (and have been for a few years) but there was a point in time where we were just friends and seeing other people. We shared horror stories and good stories about our current at the time mates. Well, apparently he was accidentally peed on by his gf during sex, or so the story goes. He says that until then the thought of pee and sex never crossed his mind as something he may enjoy or even tolerate. Turns out it wasn't that bad for him, he even seemed to enjoy it.
Time passes, ex's come and go and we wind up together. He had always mentioned sexual things that he had experienced in the past to try and toy around with ideas for us. It didn't bother me that I knew these think things occurred with him and other women. Some conversations about his past made me uncomfortable but this was not one of them. He mentioned the pee thing on more than one occasion, it started out as more of a joke but got more serious. He eventually used to bring it up most times we had sex. He really wanted me to pee on his dick.
I was nervous, I consider myself pretty open minded but all I could think about was what if part way through or after he realizes that our was just a one time thing he enjoyed. What if he is grossed out. It was evidently just one of those things that I wouldn't undersyand the pleasure in. But one night we were drinking and watching movies and when we started focusing more on each other than on the movie I finally caved and agreed to give it a go. I would do this just for him, after all it was harmless.
We go in the bathroom and I set down my ground rules. It happens in the bathroom, he was not to pee on me and after we were both to wash off before we had sex. The bathroom we were in didn't have a shower so he sat naked on the toilet, sexy right? He got me to sit on his lap, facing the toilet tank (like butters in that episode of south park) so there I am, naked and pee shy. I wanted to do this for him. We sit in silence for what seemed like forever until finally I relaxed enough to start peeing he was loving it. I was thrilled to find something so simple and new to turn him on. And then it happened, in a split second he went from the look of extasty to sheet horror. I farted. I farted while naked and sitting on his dick. I farted while he was having the time of his life. It just slipped out. I wasnt even aware i had anything brewing inside me. It was so loud. After what seemed like a lifetime of starring modified at him I started laughing because at this point it was either laugh or cry. Sex never happened that night, I shamefully hid and avoided eye contact after I helped him clean up, it was the least I could do after all.
He was a good sport about it but this happened eons ago and every time I try to jokingly make him feel bad about something he gets the most serious look on his face and says, "You farted, naked on my dick." And then my argument is instantly invalid.
Edit : to clarify since I feel as though it is needed the only one actually upset about the fart was me. Despite people thinking peeing and farting are very similar (to each their own) I don't consider it the same at all. My boyfriend only brings it up now to bug me, if he was actually mad or disgusted then I probably would have not continued to date him.
m1m131: Farting naked on his dick is not too different from peeing on his dick, just saying.
konkerz: I don't agree, but of course you already know that because I consider it a fuck up.
m1m131: Farting can get pretty kinky too, if you are into that kind of stuff of course. But you really gave to block South Park out of your head for these things I guess.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408335522 | 1408336021 | t3_2duw1p | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by oversleeping
This happened about six hours ago and I have yet to deal with the ramifications.
My parents had been out of town for the past week and I have had the place to myself. I recently had purchased a new bong and had some friends over to christen it.
All is well during the week. Have some friends over, smoke drink and just have a good time. I only let people smoke out doors since I don't want my parents house to smell of smoke.
And now the fuck up. I knew my parents were coming home around 4pm today which was perfect since I had work at 6. I could clean the house then leave for work. I spend the next few hours doing yard work, vacuuming, dishes... While taking the occasional hit.
Around 1pm, I'm tired and decide to take a small nap since most of the house is clean. I set my alarm and get in bed
FUCK! My phone was on silent, never heard the alarm. It's now 5pm and I need to leave for work. I put on cloths say hi to my parents and leave through the front door. And that is when I saw it. My bong was in the backyard on our table in full view of everyone.
I picked up fucking dog shit but forgot to but my bong away. It's going to be a bit awkward around my parents for a few days.
TL/DR I hope my parents wanna get the munchies too
Edit: sorry for any formate or other errors on mobile
qlb1234: It's shitier and shitier that cellphone alarm is nowadays.
Stomper09: I know.
Fuck you alarm you had one job and your bad at it
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408332920 | 1408371264 | t3_2dusbs | t5_2to41 | 25 | Smoothie_big: TIFU by throwing up in public twice on the same day and in the same spot.
When one is a young child it is a tradition to start every school year by wearing a new outfit on the first day. It was this tradition that drove my mother to awaken me at an inappropriately early hour on a Saturday. "Get up, we need to get to the store to buy you some new clothes for school!" At the time I was just a boy about to start the 3rd grade and had little to no appreciation for clothes shopping, which my mother was keenly aware of. So a few minutes later, when I began complaining to my mother that my "tummy felt sicky", she assumed that it was a thinly masked excuse to escape what would undoubtedly be several hours of shopping. She ignored my protests.
In the car on the way to the mall I began to feel even more nausea. I begged to go home, but was denied. I pleaded for mercy, but my cries fell upon deaf ears. The first store we visited was Prophet's, which is now called Belk's. Once inside my mother led me passed the perfume section. Big mistake. The overpowering smell of the perfume combined with my already messed up stomach culminated in me making a heaving sound and projectile vomiting all over the floor. My mother gasped, people stared, and I cried. My mother offered to help clean up the mess but was politely turned down and an old, white-haired janitor came out of the back with a mop bucket. He took a look at the damage, grumbled something under his breath, and proceeded to mop. We left.
A few hours later, after taking some anti-nausea meds and a long nap, I decided that I felt fine and wanted to go back to the mall. My mother was cautious after the incident but when my temperature came back normal she concluded that I must have had a case of food poisoning and that by vomiting I had expelled the offending foods from my body. We drove back to the mall. I felt fine the entire drive. I felt fine in the parking lot. I even felt fine when we walked back into Prophet's. I did not feel fine when I began walking past the perfume section. All of the sudden the smell triggered a relapse of my nausea. It came flooding back like a tsunami and overtook my young body. Once again I projectile vomited all over the floor, and on the very stain from that morning's blunder. My mother gasped, people stared, and I cried...again. Again my mother offered to help clean up, again she was denied. Again the old janitor came out from the back with his mop bucket. He looked at me, he looked at the floor. He looked at me a second time, and looked to the floor a second time. He grumbled something under his breath and began mopping. We left.
EDIT: I fixed a spelling error.
ozebloke23: I think it was considerate of you to hit the same spot, it's better than 2 stains right next to each other.
Smoothie_big: Haha yeah. What's gross is the fact that they never replaced that section of carpet. I still live in the area and I was recently back at that (now) Belk's and the stain is still there. If that janitor is still there I ought to find him and pay for his lunch one day. Lol
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1408336389 | 1408341616 | t3_2dux68 | t5_2to41 | 62 | anarchyismymistress: TIFU By Going Outside
So, I've smoked for several years and tonight was like any other. I went outside to have a smoke. As I'm enjoying the nice cigarette I see a creature lurking about in the shadows. It was a cat. I said "Come here, kitty" and he started walking towards me. As he was coming close to the light I saw a black cat with a white stripe on his head. I thought oh man I should take a picture of him! He starts coming closer and I notice something. It's not a cat. It's a skunk. A fucking skunk.
I get up slowly and look at the door and he's right between me and the door. He wasn't moving. I thought maybe I could try to slowly open the door and get inside. What I didn't realise is that my door makes a loud creaking noise. And loud noises scare skunks. So, you guessed it the skunk turns around and sprays me. 4 showers later and I smell like shit.
TLDR: Went outside to smoke got sprayed by a skunk.
Stomper09: I don't envy you. My dog got sprayed by a skunk and he smelt funky for about a week.
Hope you don't have any dates coming up
anarchyismymistress: Girlfriend said I need to sleep on the floor so I don't ruin the bed or couch. My dog won't even go near me. He just looks at me across the room and whines. This sucks.
Stomper09: I'd say you are lucky your girlfriend is letting you stay inside.
And I'm curious, pic you get a pic of the cute skunk?
anarchyismymistress: Now, I'll admit I should have known it was a skunk, but I was to excited at the possibility of it being a cat to care.
http://imgur.com/FGiFCHj
Stomper09: That is awesome! I love how excited you are that it could have been the rare cat. I like you op
Thank you, you are helping me forget my own fuck up
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1408337795 | 1408401216 | t3_2duywp | t5_2to41 | 659 | zdookie: TIFU by going to the dentist with my girlfriend
Today was the day that my girlfriend was scheduled to get her wisdom teeth out, and she told me she would feel more comfortable if I went with her, so I did. I was there with her parents who I am pretty comfortable with, and likewise are pretty comfortable with me. The surgery went well, but afterwards was a mess. She was a wreck after taking the medicine, crying and the whole deal but we eventually got her to the car.
We got in the car and that's when she started touching her lips. I asked her what was wrong and she asked "How am I going to give you blowjobs without lips?!" and I sat there, frozen, with no response. The rest of the car ride was just her being high and me sitting awkwardly in the back seat of her parents car.
Free_Blowjobs: Oh, my. This is why I am so afraid to get my wisdom teeth taken out. I'm terrified of saying something to my family member that will forever haunt me. I have so many secrets sequestered away in my mind . . .
TextBot: Username checks out then...
Free_Blowjobs: And my username is literally the most vanilla part about me.
TheDahktor: If I had a dime for every reddit user now checking your post history...
Free_Blowjobs: I don't think there's anything too incriminating on this account. 😇
TheSleepinGiant: That's dissapointing :'(
Free_Blowjobs: Well, if you go really, ^really, ^^really, ^^^really, ^^^^really ^^^^far ^^^^back, ^^^^^^you'll ^^^^^^find ^^^^^^nothing.
coperphage: This made me chuckle.... thank you !
Free_Blowjobs: You're the second person in the past hour to double reply to me. D: Glitch in the Matrix?
coperphage: That or all the perv's are wanting to know your wild side...
Source :- Am not a perv ;-)
Free_Blowjobs: Perverts are so hot as long as it's not the creepy kind.
coperphage: I 'm certainly kinky but not creepy kind!
Free_Blowjobs: Fetishes are so exciting. <3
| 14 | 47.071429 | |
1408338684 | 1408437643 | t3_2duzyp | t5_2to41 | 2,622 | desert_blossom: TIFU by getting an erection when a nurse was putting a catheter in me (nsfw)
I'm 18 years old, I'm a guy, and I recently had to go to the hospital for surgery. I had pretty bad appendicitis, so I went in to get my appendix taken out. It was meant to be a simple procedure with a short stay but it was complicated, apparently the appendix had ruptured and spilt pus everywhere inside, so the operation was made bigger than it was planned to be.
I developed a fever afterwards while in hospital, and it was complicated, and when I woke up from the procedure, I had a catheter sticking out of my penis.
At first I didn't feel it because I was under anaesthetic, but I stayed in hospital for more than a few days and I had to have it replaced every 2 days.
The first time I had it taken out, it was so miserable. One of the worst feelings in the world, despite the anaesthetic, it was pretty uncomfortable.
That's not the worst part. The nurse was, shall I say, extremely attractive. She appeared to be in her young twenties and was extremely polite and nice to me throughout my stay. She always brought me shit like juice and chocolate, she was the real mvp. And super hot as well.
Anyway, when she was putting in the new catheter, I got a boner. I was scared of getting one even before, but I knew it would happen. I know my luck, and the more I tried to think about it, the more it happened.
It was dreadful silence, I avoided looking at her directly, I could see she was blushing. I was blushing, I just kept staring at the ceiling. My heart was racing, I could feel it palpating, and I was filled with dread.
It went on for what seemed like forever, she couldn't get the thing in. At first she tried, and it was getting like, semi-stiff. As it went on, it became a full raging hard-on.
I mumbled out loud "I'm sorry", "No its okay" she whispered, flustered. I could tell she wasn't too used to these sort of scenarios.
She went an got a more senior nurse to come and do it, but it was also a woman. The first nurse again tried, but this time the senior nurse was guiding her to get it in through the urethra in my penis now hard as a rock and pointing to the ceiling.
It was painful like hell, but still it didn't work. They said they'd be back to try again in a few minutes.
Ten minutes later, my erection had gone. This time a male nurse came in, he had a cold ice pack, he put it against my nether region to freeze my dick and balls, then he managed to slip it in, then he left.
I had to have my catheter changed one more time before I left. It was the same nurse as the first time, no less awkward or uncomfortable for me. I think this time she knew what would happen so she got it in straight away while it was still semi.
Obnubilate: You need to ask her out. You can't miss this golden opportunity to tell the story of how you two met when you are old and married.
desert_blossom: I actually should! I mean, she's probably a few years older than me, but I could totally tell she liked me! Although it might be weird, seeing as how she already knows me on a, uh, "personal", level.
Unfortunately I'd have no idea how to contact her (staff details are kept confidential to prevent creeps like us trying to reach them back) and I'm pretty sure there are some rules against it?
highwind2013: id say just let it go. you're gonna be creepy boner dude
desert_blossom: I know man. I bet these nurses are nice to everyone. Later she'd be all like with her nurse friends "this little creepy teenager got a boner when I was trying to put in a catheter" and then all her friends would be like "eewwwwwwww" while giggling/screaming and flapping their hands in the air.
alphetasauce: Nurses aren't like that, if she tells her friends they'll laugh at how awkward she was and ask if you looked good. She'll say yes and they'll ask for details on your dick. Now your going to have probably around three to five other early twenties chicks who know what your dick looks like. How does that make you feel?
Gravefall: Source?
r0Lf: [real life](/r/outside)
[deleted]: I don't like this game anymore. The new ice mod is coming out in a few months and I have too little xp to get a new loadout. At least I somewhat prepared by figuring out how to use that "american born" hack.
theshnig: With the interstate feature, you can use the migration function to move south to a less developed but rapidly growing region that does not have any issues with ice. All of the players there, however, will tell you to move back up north.
Katana0: The Arizona region is awesome for that!... But in the summer... It's like a special kind of hell reserved for child molesters, and people who talk in the movie theater...
imbetterthanmyself: Oh come on there aren't that many black people in Arizona.
| 12 | 218.5 | |
1408339547 | 1408496622 | t3_2dv10l | t5_2to41 | 35 | DontBuyMeAWolf: TIFU By asking a woman how her husband passed away
Ok so just so you know this actually happened a few years ago.
Background: I used to work at a party store before I went off to college. Wanted to save up some money. We sold balloons and stuff for parties obviously.
Now it was a very slow sunday. And we had ballon orders finished so I was just chilling. This old lady walks in and asks for balloons that say something like "Rest in peace my love." I honestly don't remember, it was two years ago. So she goes on to tell me her husband passed away a few years back. This is how the conversation goes:
Old lady: My husband died a few years ago and I wanted to get these to put on his tombstone. *said this in the sweetest voice I've ever heard*
*now I felt bad and wanted to comfort her*
Me: I am so sorry for your loss ma'am. If you dont mind me asking, how did he pass?
Please keep in mind that she is very old. I figured she would say he passed away of old age or something like that. Wrong....just dead wrong.
She looks up at me and says with a very sad voice (almost in tears) " his brother shot him in the head after an argument."
My jaw dropped. I had no idea what to say to that. My coworker just sat behind me awkwardly. The lady began to cry. I just didn't know what to say or do. She apologizes for crying a couple times. I tell her I'm sorry for being the nosy moron I am. I give her my discount (she was buying some candles and balloons, not to expensive but it was the least I could do). After she leaves my coworker looks up at me and says "way to go asshole."
Tl;dr: Asked old lady how husband passed, tells me his brother shot him. I stand there dumbfounded.
YUHDEW: Umm why are you asking people how their significant others died? LOL
DontBuyMeAWolf: Honestly that was my first FU. You guys have no idea how bad I felt. I don't even remember why I asked her. It was just a bad day.
Stinkydoodoobutt: Guy asks old lady rude and inconsiderate question, old lady gives totally fucked up answer just to fuck with him. She taught you a lesson young man. He probably died in his sleep.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1408340703 | 1408342220 | t3_2dv29g | t5_2to41 | 70 | DragonLaggin: TIFU by being the type of person that stands up before flushing.
So, about 30 minutes ago I was taking a nice relaxing dump and browsing Reddit of course. I was finishing up and put my phone in my pajama-pants pocket. Of course, I never do this. Never. My phone is much too large for the pocket to hold it properly so any time I do put it in the pocket, it falls out. But of course, it's one o'clock in the morning, I am tired and not thinking. As I stand up after wiping, my phone slips from my pocket and into the toilet.
Normally this isn't big deal to me. I have had this phone for a solid 2 years. I have dropped it in the toilet on several occasions, but never with dirty water. I have had my phone thrown down my gravel driveway, broken someones nose with it, and many other things. But of course, I had eaten a lot earlier. There was a rather large loaf in the toilet this time around, which my phone proceeded to slice straight through. After that gave me a heart attack, it continued to slide to the back of the bowl. It got ridiculously close to the back end of toilet. It got close enough to be at an upward angle, just waiting to be flushed.
I hesitated for a second but ended up plunging my bare hand into the shit-water. After I got it out it had begun vibrating sporadically. This spooked me because I did not expect it and I dropped it once more into the pool of shit and sustenance. At this point I was ready to shit myself again from both frustration and fear, but I just didn't have it in me.
If I had kept my phone in my hand, or sat it down instead then I wouldn't have had to punch through a godzilla turd to save my (probably) dead phone. I am attempting some rice-fueled electronic necromancy in the mean time.
EDIT: Phone screen is dead. No amount of dry-rice-necromancy will fix this bastard. I'll have to replace the screen, and in the mean-time will be getting a new phone.
Idleliving: Remember the rice trick only works if you wait the time it takes to dry out. Don't feel to bad about grabbing it, phones are expensive and we all have our price.
DragonLaggin: Of course. I'm going to keep it in for about 2 days.
Idleliving: Good. Sorry for your bad day man, try to have a good one tomorrow.
DragonLaggin: Thanks, man. Same to you.
| 5 | 14 | |
1408340672 | 1408387601 | t3_2dv288 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Onecutmember: TIFU by still sleeping with a teddy bear
So this started when I was around 9, my mom thought I was to old to sleep with a teddy bear so while I was a school she took all my stuffed animals and put the in storage.
when I got home and discovered what happened I was a little distraught, she told me something a long the lines only baby's sleep with teddy bears. I reluctantly accepted what she said. That night I had
The worst sleep. The next day I went into our attic and found my teddy and brought it back to my room. I had to keep it hidden during the day, and slept with it at night.
Now before I go further let me explain that there was nothing sexual about having the teddy bear, it just felt good cuddling it when I slept, and it allowed me for some reason to sleep well.
Fast forward to me being 14 and I am still sleeping with a bear at night. This is were the fuck up happened. I am a neat freak and liked to do my own laundry. This allowed me to sneer the teddy bear in to be washed every laundry day. Now for some reason my mom decided to take my laundry and hang it out on the clothes line. This lead to one of the most stressful and embarrassing day of my life.
I was up stairs playing video games with my friend when all of a sudden my mom comes stomping it freaking out "onecutmber what is this!" She shrieked at me while holding my ready bear. "What are you doing with this" at this point I am beet res and my friend is looking a bit confused. Then my mom said something that will I will never forget " are you, are you using this to masterbate?" I looked at my friend and he had the most evil grin on his face, I knew at the moment that he had to die, because he was going to tell everyone at school about this.
So After my mom left without me being able to exist things my friend asked me what I was doing with the teddy bear. To my surprise and the fact he is still live he excepted the explanation that it helped me sleep and never told anyone.
Now for the worst part, as if not being accused of using a teddy bear as a sex toy my mom went and told my aunt and the n my aunt told my uncle and so on and so on. I was branded a sexually deviant by my whole family.
luckily over the past 15 years it's been forgotten and only brought up to embarrass me every now and then.
Note: written on a phone with a small screen so forgive the grammar.
Edit 1
Just to clarify this was one of the only times my mom ever did something like this. And although it was years later she did apologize for it.
WagonDredgeHead: You're forgetting the most important detail! Did you ever get the teddy back?
Onecutmember: No I never got the the teddy bear back.
WagonDredgeHead: That's so sad :(. I hope you at least have a new cuddly friend.
Onecutmember: I did not get another one until I moved out at 18 and went to collage.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1408339182 | 1408348633 | t3_2dv0lj | t5_2to41 | 2 | LoaphMeat: TIFU by parking on the street cleaning side of the street.
This just happened to me several minutes before posting: Enjoy!
A strange noise woke me. At first I assumed it was the baby, but when I looked at the monitor, there was no activity coming through it. We have a baby monitor that glows red when there is sound coming through, and there was nothing. Sitting up for a few more seconds, I then realized that the sound was coming from our neighbors and we had our window open. I laid my head back down, satisfied to go back to sleep when I started to hear the low rumbling of the street sweeper moving up the street.
'Oh fuck!,' I thought to myself when I suddenly realized that I parked on the street sweeping side of the road when I got home from work. Long day, wasn't thinking. I shot out of bed to see if I had received a ticket, which I obviously could not afford. We're currently hard on cash, primarily surviving on microwavable food and ramen noodles until our next pay period. Not to mention street sweeping tickets are insanely more costly in comparison to regular parking tickets. I looked out my living room window and saw the wet marks left on the road by the street sweep as they streaked around my car. I looked at my living room clock, and saw that it wasn't even 1am, and the street sweeper was "early"; that the official time that I had to have my car moved by was between 1am and 3am.
I immediately grabbed my keys, put on my slippers and went to move my car. Got to my car; no ticket! I didn't see any signs of life along the street, so I hopped in and started her up. As soon as I turned the corner of my block to turn around, I saw a cop car parked nearby, with the officer just getting out of the car. Pretending to ignore him, I successfully turned myself around and found a nice place to park on the correct side of the street.
FUCKING HEART ATTACK AVERTED
TL;DR: An early street sweeper saved me from getting a parking ticket I couldn't afford.
Teotwawki69: Um... if you have a baby and a parking ticket could break the bank, I think your TIFU happened a long time before this little incident.
LoaphMeat: Hard times happen. Maybe I should have mentioned that I'm a full time student and a part time worker, while my SO hasn't started her new position in her career yet, which will keep us safely afloat until I graduate in 4 months. Parking tickets won't destroy our lives, but it's still a pain in the cock to deal with. Wasting money sucks dingle berries no matter how much extra you have to throw around.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408341325 | 1408381575 | t3_2dv2xv | t5_2to41 | 9 | imatotalfuckingidiot: TIFU by not doing my homework
I decided to take an online course to earn credits as I hate history and though it would be easier. I decided that it would be simple for me to finish. But, with my other classes and football training, I barely had time. So, I bs'd my way through it, doing well. Except for the last three modules. I hadn't done much. They were due on Friday, 9PM EST. I experienced a glitch and couldn't even log in. Apparently, I wasn't the only one. The teacher sent out an email and said the deadline had been moved to today, 6 PM EST. I decided I would still finish the course, even though I was 99% sure I had failed the district entrance exam. I decided to work, but I had a long training day, and I had been soaking in a hot tub just so I could move my legs. All of my life I had been a complete loser. By the time I was in 7th Grade, I was borderline obese and had no friends. I decided to join Cross Country. I lost weight, even though I fucking hated running. I got in better shape, and Freshman year, I joined football. Football helped me a lot. I decided that I would stick with it, and this year I made Varsity Football as a Sophomore. All the upperclassmen liked me, and I was part of a group that was exclusively for upperclassmen, which I was not. I had everything going for me, even was about to start dating a girl. I forgot that I had to do this course. The teacher emailed me saying I had to turn everything in. I had a half hour to do six hours worth of assignments. I decided to tell him the glitch was still active, and that I could't submit. I am a very superstitious person, so my fuckup here was bound to happen. I am at a point in my religion where we are tested by the influence of Saturn, and my stars align that things could go wonderfully, or my entire world would crash around me. It all crashed. My teacher figured out I was bs'ing to buy time, and he emailed me saying I had an extension. However, he also BCC'd my mother, so that I didn't know that my mom was in on the conversation. He called my home and he called my mom's cell. Both times, I managed to play it off, as he calls from a restricted number. He left a message. I went after dinner to pretend to go to sleep, and I was then going to submit them, come what may. I decided that I would pass out in practice if I had to, but this was getting done. And then my mom comes in my room and says, "Show me your assignments." I knew that she found out and I told her the truth. Then my dad got angrier than I'd ever seen him. He and my mom beat the shit out of me, disowned me, and cut off all ties with me. I am now a human luggage cart. They had agreed to pay for my college, and now they said I was own my own. I used to share a room with my brother, and we used to talk about anything. Now I have to sleep in the loft, and I cannot call him my brother. She has told all of my friends and removed me from the football team. I was the newly elected SPL for my Boy Scout Troop, and about to start my Eagle. She has told the scout master that I stepped down as I wasn't prepared for the role. I have no aspects of my life left, all social media is to be shut down, and I cannot associate with my friends. I am now a shell of what I once was and am seriously hoping my thoughts of suicide go away. Fuck.
Hell0G00dbye: That is a shitstorm, id try to chalk it up to a miscommunication and get back as close as you can to the things that were going good for you.
imatotalfuckingidiot: I can't. I will no longer be able to connect with my friends as they will be talking about football, and I can't. All of my friends have come through this sport, and now we have no common ground anymore.
LugNutz88: If your parents have nearly disowned you, tell them they have zero influence in your life anymore. Find a friend who'll take you in, get a job to pay them a rent and restore the parts of your life that you want to. If you get yourself to practice after school each day, and tell/ show the coach that you can keep your grades high enough, they can't touch you. Declare independence from such oppression.
imatotalfuckingidiot: I still have to wait for 9 months before I can actually get a job.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1408344270 | 1409718619 | t3_2dv5ut | t5_2to41 | 5 | snooploli: [nsfw]TIFU by making a pizza.
So today my friend came over, and I thought it'd be cool to cook with him since there was nothing else to do. We decided on a pizza. We got all the ingredients ready and preheated the oven when I suddenly decided that it would be a good idea to use jalapenos on my half, since they are fucking awesome. This was my first mistake.
When i was younger, it was tough to cut jalapenos cause my hands would burn afterwards. I suppose I got used to it since I eat them so much.
We ate the pizza. He left.
After a long day, I decided to take a shower, and being the horny little shit I am, also decided to have sexy times. This was my second and final mistake. Midway through, I realized exactly what I was doing and stopped. But it was too late.. The damage had been done.. A minute later I was writhing on the shower floor in pain.
And now I am sitting here typing this and sobbing. My fucking vagina is on fire. Worst pain I've ever felt.
iGhost209: I'm so sorry this happened to you, I went to my friends house earlier and we made a pizza too, after cutting the Jalapeños my hands fucking burnt for like an hour or two, but she said I was exaggerating, I think she understands now though xP
snooploli: This never would have happened if you didn't come over!!
Evilkill78: Wait is /u/ighost209 your friend??
snooploli: He is indeed.
| 5 | 1 | |
1408341459 | 1408387834 | t3_2dv32a | t5_2to41 | 126 | seraph77: TIFU by letting my girlfriend keep her Hitachi wand at her house [NSFW]
Like most posts here, not today, but maybe a week ago. Anyway, I had bought a Hitachi Magic Wand a couple months ago for us to spice up our sex life with. She absolutely loved it, and would get off 4-5 times compared to the 1-2 with my member alone. Needless to say, we broke it out a lot in our adventures.
We had 95% of our liaisons at my place, so it had always stayed here. Last week though, she called, and had been drinking (so didn't want to drive) and made a booty call. She was drunk and frisky and asked that I bring over the wand. I obviously complied, went over, had awesome sex, then left hungover without thinking much about it the next morning.
She's normally a bit of a horn-dog, and usually calls for a "visit" at least every other day. I just realized yesterday that it had been almost a week. I started to think other guy, and all kinds of other bad thoughts, but then realized I left that wand over there...
hank_moo_d: She disarmed you, and now she's the wand master. Jesus, watch some harry potter to learn the important stuff.
eskimoFry: So harry potter and voldemort...
It's all clear now
hank_moo_d: Yes. I'm sorry you found out this way...
| 4 | 31.5 | |
1408346719 | 1408351426 | t3_2dv88x | t5_2to41 | 2 | pickle_meister: TIFU by going with my doctors advice
So first off I went to my doctor today to get an ear infection sorted. To d this I had to get this paste stuff in my ear, they said ok come back mid morning Wednesday to get it out, I was thinking awesome, I can get it out before my hospitality assessment dinner. Now I've had the stuff out in and can't hear out of one ear, and then the nurse comes up and fucking says, oh we forgot to tell you, you can't have this taken out till Friday. At this point I was pissed off my doctor said it would be coming out Wednesday and I specifically had it done so I could have it out before the dinner as I need to be able to hear. I sat ther sort of stunned at the fuck up, I told them what I needed and they said they could accommodate, they said I could get it done later but it would be better sorted now (incredibly mild infection had it for a month and no issues). So Tifu and today my doc fucked up, big time, hopefully i will be able to function with it on in the kitchen where I need to hear.
Sorry for the rant reddit, I'm pissed
zurcatnas: I feel for ya but a little prevention and upkeep will keep your ears healthy. Hope next time you'll ask your doc about recovery time.
pickle_meister: I did, she said i could have it out Wednesday and then they changed that after I got the stuff put in, considering taking it out and getting it re done as this thing on wednesday is important
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408348570 | 1408849430 | t3_2dv9t1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Leradine: TIFU by moving in with my friend from middle school
So, back in September, my wife and I decided we needed to get a fresh start away from the city we reside in. We move back into my hometown after her reluctance to move from her job and into a new one where I could have a better job, she wasn't very pleased with the idea of moving or moving in with one of my buddies who had been in some trouble with local police a few times but we move anyways because I was a little stubborn on the subject.
Fast-forward about 3 months, I get fed up with my wife sexting on facebook and WoW (she's been known to do it before) and I call her out on it via text, I was furious, she lies to me. I had told her before that, if she ever done it again, the marriage was over then and there. She fucking lied to me, in the back of my mind I had given into the possibility of giving her just ONE more chance in hopes that a scare would suffice and she would wise up to know that I was serious but nope, not after lying to me as well as spewing out some other luscious details that I hadn't known about.
So after a couple weeks of her attempting to find a place, or at least that's what she said she was doing, I get drunk with my roommate, his girlfriend, and her friend. We get loud and are blasting the music. The still technically turns on bitch-mode, comes in screaming telling us to turn it off, we get into a fight (I'm a very docile individual who detests any sort of confrontation), she slaps me I laugh in her face as my defense mechanism which leads her to attempt to slap me again, I toss her to a wall and keep her there with her legs/hands out of reach of causing me any sort of harm. Eventually I tell her how much I've stomached the thought of being around her for the past 4 years (Things haven't been the same since I was deployed to Iraq), and end up calling her mother and throwing her out right then and there. Quite possibly the most cruel thing that I've had to do in my life but it wasn't anything less than what she deserved. She cheated, lied to my face, did nothing to better herself or the home, she was basically just a warm body for me to sleep next to after my deployment and was a big part of why my depression had lasted for so long.
After kicking her out, I thought my life would be so much better...
Well, it is! Almost.
I don't have to answer to anyone, my room stays much cleaner, the cats are actually visibly happier now when before they wouldn't even come into contact with strangers, something along the lines of they were stressed due to all the yelling in our household previously. I can look at women without feeling any guilt and am actively searching for someone who I can game with, workout with, go to rock concerts with, and just enjoy being around most of all. I'll not make the mistake of my first marriage as I can still learn. Well, after kicking her out my roommate is still living with me or vice-versa since it's his one of his mother's spare houses.
Here comes the IFU, I pay the utility bills, clean the dishes which I don't use aside from a coffee cup here and there, my food gets eatten that I paid for by him and his girlfriend, the entire house, aside from my room, is an absolute wreck, they smoke pills regularly, have questionable characters in the house, and worst of all, he steals from me. What in the actual fuck? Why would you steal from someone who pays the bills and asks nothing in return other than some privacy and some food in the fridge after work? So, after seeing about a billion fruit flies/gnats in the sink after me not doing them due to being fed up with always being left with the dishes I said enough was enough and am currently looking for a place to live.
His mother is understanding of my situation but I'm really not sure how this all will roll once I tell him that I'm moving out and that he'll have to curb is drug addiction in order to pay the utilities. Also I'm in fear for my equipment (Flat screen TV, PC/Monitor Guitars) while I'm gone at work. Will he pawn them like he's done to his parents before? I'm unsure as to how to go about this whole moving out process without causing a shit storm between myself and him. Help please?
idwthis: > they smoke pills regularly
Who smokes pills, and what fucking pills exactly do these people smoke?
Snort, yes I understand that. But not smoking.
Leradine: roxies would be the street term for it. Unsure what it is actually used for but dear god he looks like death, extremely skinny compared to what he used to be, and sounds like it when he coughs.
idwthis: I know roxies. No one smokes it. Swallows it, snorts it, and maybe shove it up the bum, but it is not something to smoke.
Roxy is just oxycodone (brand name percocet) without acetaminophen (brand name tylenol). It's a painkiller. A step up from hydrocodone (brand name vicodin).
AndFallAsWell: You can smoke it, but you're getting way less then popping and snorting for sure. He's just ending up having to spend more money on em cuz he wastes so much.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1408350431 | 1408413330 | t3_2dvbdy | t5_2to41 | 37 | wavylikesine: TIFU by hearing a murder upstairs.
It was midnight, last night, and I heard a blood curdling scream come from upstairs of the house I'm staying at. Scared as shit, I mean I have never been this scared in my life, honest to god I thought my hosts had been murdered that is what this sound sounded like. I turned my lights out in my room, panicking, and ran into the bathroom. I locked the door and climbed out the window. Then, two large dogs licked me for 3 hours in the cold, Moroccan wind, forcing me to huddle in the fetal position by a pile of large rocks, with the thought that the murderer would not find me. For 3 hours, each time the dogs barked, I feared for my life, and slowly froze to death. Finally, I realized that I could not continue any longer, and ran towards the garage. I hid inside the dog house for another hour, and there was a dog bed under me, so every time I moved it made a noise, which I thought was threatening my life. Twice, the humming of the insect life in the country grew louder and louder, then, I heard the same cry coming from outside the garage. I ran into the FJ Cruiser, and slept inside for 3 hours. That has been my night.
Turns out that wild boars populate the area, and that what I heard was not a vicious murder, but instead a pig.
tl;dr thought someone got murdered, panicked, but they were casual animal noises.
sykonaut92: I witnessed a murder when I was 14, and thinking back, witness protection in my town is a joke
Muffinman336: Enlighten us
sykonaut92: It was gang related, I was riding my bike around the block, and as I was rounding the corner to go back home I saw three dudes run towards another guy that was chilling outside an apartment building that is on the corner. Two of them had knives and the third had a bat, I saw them swinging away at the guy. After about less than a minute they run back to where they came from, which turned out to be my neighbor's place (I lived in a duplex at the time). As I'm getting to my place the guy that just got jumped's gf is walking towards the duplex covered in blood and screaming into her cell and a few minutes later a bunch of cops arrive. By the time they got into the guys' apartment a few of them had already bailed but a few of them stayed. The next day I go to the PD to make the statement of what I saw, pointed out the pictures of the guys that did it, and they tell me that since it was a gang-related murder I would be put in witness protection, which was bullshit because all I got was that I was able to get to school half an hour late and leave half an hour early.
Muffinman336: Not much protection haha, good thing they didn't come for your ass
sykonaut92: I didn't really worry, most of the guys from that gang left town because the guy that they killed was part of a more dangerous gang. Either way, I have family members with serious connections.
Silverlight42: that wasn't witness protection, more like protective custody... if they were watching you 24/7, but i'm guessing it wasn't even that... just an escort to/from school.
sykonaut92: I walked to/from school
Silverlight42: then what was the security assigned to you doing?
sykonaut92: I had no security assigned to me, the cops just went to my school and talked to my teachers so that they could let me leave early/arrive late, that's pretty much it. I knew all the security officers though so I guess that was ok.
| 10 | 3.7 | |
1408350381 | 1408401744 | t3_2dvbcx | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU: By trying to make extra money on sex webcams. [NSFW]
This fuck up actually happened 2 days ago but oh well, I am dealing with the repercussions now.
I am in University right now and am living in a dorm since I am out of state. So that means I have to pay for a lot of expenses. Its gets hard at times when I would have to decide whether or not to eat, or to put gas in my ride. But all around I make it.
It was a week ago that when the semester started in my 3rd year of uni, when I received a call from my boss saying that there is an hour-cut for some lower level employees, great. So now I am making less money. I couple days later I was talking to my friend and she mentioned that she does stripping online and makes a few hundred a month. I'll mention that my friend is pretty hot and has a very nice ass, so I wouldn't be surprised if she made so much. She rambled how it wasnt that easy and yadda yadda, but all I heard was a few hundred dollars a month. I wanted in.
I found a site that promised all the bullshit I wanted to hear, and joined. Now I had a good feeling that I could make decent cash with this, because I have 32ggg sized breasts, and I am small, like 5' 90 pounds small. So my breasts are nothing to fuck with. The site I was on had a feature where the user pays for one on ine video chat. Hell yeah ima jump on that. Big mistake.
Im sitting there buck naked, titties oiled up, big dildo in my hand, waiting for my customer to connect. Finally they connect, and who else but my freaking boss, erection in hand. I froze. So did he. All I heard him muster was a weak "Hi". I logged out and deleted my account. I called in and told my shift manager I had the flu so I would be out for a couple days. She said fine. It wasn't till today my boss called and apologized for what happened. I said I'm sorry he had to see that. Now this is where the fuck up actually comes in. My boss is pretty attractive and he had a nice dick. So stupid me started to develop feelings for this fucker. I called him back later and tried to play it off like what did he see and that shit. He said he saw pretty much everything. I told him I saw his dick. He apologized for that and I said dont be, trying to be sexy. He said uh bye. And hung up. Fuck. What did I do.
2 hours later, HR calls me and ssays I now have to attend sensitivity training and an anti-sexual harassment presentation. And I will be suspended for 1 week. The motherfucker ratted on me.
TL; DR: Tried to get rich by being a cam whore, came face to face with boss while "working", liked his dick, tried to be sexy and failed, now am suspended from work and attending sexual harassment bullshit.
rxcowboy: How can you be buying a gun for your apartment if you are living in a dorm and you don't have enough money for food?
[deleted]: Dorm, apartment, same shit. Im not buying a gun, im trading a gun I already own.
rxcowboy: Ok that makes more sense. I'm surprised they let you have guns in a dorm.
[deleted]: They don't know. And they never will
rxcowboy: You just enjoy all sorts of wacky hi jinks don't you?
[deleted]: Lol, what do you mean?
| 7 | 7.428571 | |
1408351291 | 1408475837 | t3_2dvc3m | t5_2to41 | 7 | justus_g: TIFU, I'd never been able to save up money ever until now, and I just got robbed of everything I had.
Tifu, I got my first speeding ticket about a month ago, it was my first offense; going 53 in a 35 and driving without insurance - totaling $420.00. And so I thought I would be a law abiding citizen and pay my ticket in full on my court date (September 2nd) so as of late I've been working 55 - 60 hours a week since that day just to pay bills and save up for my ticket, setting away 100$ each Friday, since I get paid weekly. I make $9.50/hour. And so this Friday had just passed, set away $180 because I needed some of my stash to pay a bill the week before, and so that made me extraordinarily broke this week.
Today I got off work at midnight and a coworker told me that someone was in my car and so on first impulse I thought it was a joke, "You're lying!" I said jokingly. My coworker then said, "No! I'm not kidding, someone was just in your car!" I run to the door and see someone walking away, he was about 25 yards away, and I yell, "HEY! Can I have my money back?!" First time he 'didn't hear me' so I repeated myself a second time and then the guy turned around and saw me walking towards him and he started running.
I called the non-emergency dispatch and let them know what had happened and about an hour later I get a call from the cop on duty and says he didn't find the guy, but sarcastically said, "I'll make a report of it anyway."
So now I'm short $320, have a semi-broken door now, and about 200 hours of my hard earned life is now gone, because of some petty fucking low life of a thief.
Probably the wrong sub, but I needed to let this out, or else I would have done something stupid out of anger and depression..
leethal59: Why would you stash your money in your car?
justus_g: I was in a compartment, wrapped in my ticket, underneath garbage and napkins. Expecting someone to go through my car and finding exactly that was the last of my worries.
leethal59: Follow chris rock's advice and put your money in your books.
justus_g: NOTED. I'm just thankful the guy didn't take my ticket with my personal information on it, or take my cars registration. That makes me happy that he only took my money.
leethal59: Now what will you do? Where are you hiding your cash now?
justus_g: I got smart and linked my US Bank and USAA bank accounts together so I never have to carry cash again, AND I can still have the sense of "out of sight, out of mind". Thanks for baring with me on my "first reddit post"
| 7 | 1 | |
1408351211 | 1408360767 | t3_2dvc0c | t5_2to41 | 7 | Cyralak: TIFU by Unleashing a blight on the world
In the UK there are currently moths flying around ( the ones that fly into your face and tickle your mouth. Well today there was this huge fucking moth whos wings were near audible from the next room. This cunt would spend all day flying into my window bzzzing away. It came to the point where it just pissed me off so I grabbed my Metro newspaper and went ham on his ass. I gave him about 10 hits but it showed no sign of pain and continued to tickle my ears and eyes. I decided that it passed the rite of passage and opened the window to let Moth Bro be free. This is where i fucked up. It only occured to me after that these fuckers can breed and this guy may be the catalyst to the next stage of evolution. In a couple of weeks we will have invunerable moths tickling the faces of the entire nation and eventually world. Sorry world. RIP
DjDog72: I've never had a moth tickle my face, and I kinda want one to.
HijaDeTaco: I've had a moth either piss or fucking cum in my face, I wish I was kidding, but I'm not and that fucker was huge, so uhm. No you don't.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408354460 | 1408427960 | t3_2dveth | t5_2to41 | 952 | Throwingawaytifu: TIFU by visiting a glory hole.
Last week I, along with a few other coworkers, was sent to an extensive training program taking place in a larger city about 3 hours from where I live. My company paid for my travel expenses and booked us each hotel rooms for the entirety of our stay.
On the way down, along the highway; I noticed a sign for an Adult Store that was only a few miles from where I grew up. I remember hearing about this when I was in my younger years but being so young and so close to home I never ventured in when I turned 18.
So when I arrive at the hotel they ended up overbooking, one of my co-workers was given the wrong type of room as well. HR told me I could stay at another hotel and they would reimburse me; OR I could room with the coworker (room has 2 single beds) and they would cut us both a check for the inconvenience.
Now that coworker and I get along very well, we've gone out for drinks a few times and he's an ok guy, unfortunately he NEVER left the room unless I left as well. We always seemed to be pressed for time to allow me to take care of it in the shower in the mornings. It had been a few days since I had any "quality" time and by the end of the whole ordeal I just wanted to get home to relieve some stress.
So I'm on that highway again and I see the sign, I remember my friends brother talking about it having glory holes and according to him "dude, girls are in their sometimes". I knew the chances of a girl showing up was between 0 and 4 percent but figured at best I'd get lucky, at worst I could beat off to some porn and enjoy a more relaxed ride home. i figure since I moved away so long ago, what the hell!
I notice the booths are segregated as "Straight' or "Gay" and choose my hetero preference. I take out my tokens and take my first ever step into one of those kinds of booths. I get to a nice gangbang video before I see a finger come through the hole. I'm not dumb, I know what this means and I know that fat hairy knuckle means its a dude and I just don't do anything.
I hear the person leave and start cranking away, then I hear the sound of a door closing and almost immediately a different finger comes through that hole again. At this point I had a dilemma, crank one out with my hand or close my eyes and pretend the person on the other end is a chick..I unfortunately chose the latter.
I finish up pretty quick, don't even bother grabbing the rest of my tokens on the table and high tale it out of the booth. Right when I'm a few feet from the door the guy behind the counter shouts "HEY!"
I turn around
"Um, yeah"
Him: "Did you leave the door open"
"Um, yeah; it's open"
As soon as he gives me the nod I see the door open from the booth that was next to mine and before I could turn around we made eye contact. Both standing there like a pair of deer in headlights for a moment before I look down and sulk my way back to my car.
That is how I found out that my best friend from childhood likes to suck off dudes at a glory hole.
TL:DR Got stuck not being able to fap for a few days due to a work thing. Visited a glory hole I heard about from my youth. Got a BJ from a stranger; as I'm leaving stranger turns out to be one of my best friends.
**UPDATE:**
So I went out with my friend tonight so we could talk; basically his life is a mess and I had to keep him from drinking himself into a stupor. Before I get into what we discussed I think it is relevant that I describe his past and upbringing.
His parents are very religious, we are both "90's" kids, in our mid 30's and had much different upbringings. I never wanted to spend the night at his house on Saturday because that meant I HAD to go to church with them on Sunday; it was their rule. His mother was strict on the type of music he could listen to; because in her words "you kids just listen to the melody, you don't listen to the satanic words being said" when she found my Motley Crew tape!
So as we were growing up he never had problems getting girlfriends, I didn't struggle but the caliber he could pull was higher then mine due to his looks. Back then it was normal to call someone a "fag" as an insult even in a joking matter and we did a lot of that. We even in our late teens discussed how we would feel if one of us in our group ended up being "gay". Basically it was more of "dude, don't know if we'd sleep in the same bed anymore" or "showering after practice is going to be awkward".
So after about 5 minutes of us doing a real quick "catch up" about his kids and work I just flat out asked him what he was doing there. So much drama in this guys life he hides from everyone!! His wife and him are legally separated but live together to keep up the facade to their family and community. About a year ago he said he wanted to change churches and that is what brought all of it up.
His wife pressured him into giving a reason they would leave the church they both grew up in and that their immediate family goes to. He told her he thought his churches stance on homosexuality was hurtful and prude and that is when she said, in his words "What are you a faggot lover?" I've known his wife since college and while she could be bitchy I never thought I'd hear about her talking this way.
He basically said "I might be, what of it" and she kicked him out. He stayed with his cousin who was also one of my good friends and confided in him. When he got back to his home his wife gave him an ultimatum:
* Get a divorce and never see his kids again so he can live in sin.
* Stay with her but never touch her again but she would keep his secret.
He insists he never did anything while they were together but was really struggling internally with the message his church was sending.
He said he's not gay but probably bi and really didn't figure it out until he was out of college and already a family man. I apologized for the stuff we joked about and said it was possible he didn't "figure it out sooner" because all of his social circle unintentionally forced him to keep those feelings suppressed.
He's almost as mortified if not more so then me about what took place. He said he felt ill to his stomach as if he just did something horrible to his brother and I agreed it was extremely awkward. He of course asked me what I was doing their and if I was bi or gay and I just told him I was so horny at that moment I just wanted to get off and saw an opportunity.
I grilled him on sucking off random strangers, he grilled me on getting sucked off by random strangers..touche! He said it was only his second time ever doing something like that because he's still afraid someone from the community will find out. This also would explain him going into the straight booths I guess, so if someone saw him exiting them it wouldn't stigmatize him too much I guess.
He still goes to that church and still plays the "loving" husband part. He said he still loves his wife but she's growing more and more resentful and doesn't know how much longer his secret is going to be safe anymore. His kids are almost teens; have friends they grew up with and lots of family around. He doesn't want to move them from their home during a custody battle, doesn't want them being ridiculed because their father is "gay" and is really in a bad place.
I have no advice for him, just told him I was their for him and made a joke .."but no boody calls"; he chuckled a bit and then got real quiet. Gave him a hug and told him he could always lay low at my place if he needed to and gave him my spare key with instructions to just call first so I know someone is in my home.
A part of me really wishes I never stopped there and yet another part of me is happy I did, very conflicting feelings about the whole mess!
**Final Update:**
So this morning I got a text message from him saying he doesn't think we should be friends anymore :(
I really don't know what is going on as he wont respond to my texts or answer my calls and I really hope it isn't something like he can't look at me the same anymore without remembering what happened and all that. It was fucking awkward and I'm doing my best to forget it and focus more on what his life is like right now but I don't know.
I'm actually getting concerned about his mental health, as I said before I had to stop him from drinking himself into a stupor and I left the bar before he did. I can't talk to his wife about it and the only person left is his cousin but I dont want him to know about what happened between us!! If he's trying to break ties so he can do something stupid and "protect" me I'm going to be furious.
This started out as a fuckup, turned into an important opportunity to help a friend who's struggling to now being even a bigger fucking fuckup! Now if something happens to him I'm going to blame myself, how could I not? I'm in a horrible spot right now and everything I think I could do to help has a potential risk I'm not willing to potentially bestow onto him.
I have this horrible feeling something bad is going to happen, I really fucking do! He might think he has only one way out and as fucked up as it sounds I actually can understand that reasoning.
I've just decided to take a week off of work and rent a room in my old home town to try and keep an eye on him; I feel i'm solely responsible for him now.
thorwing: Doesn't surprise me. Everyone has deep secrets. He's probably a loving husband and father too...
Maybe talk to him about it in private and say that it doesn't bother you. But do make the correct statement that you went to a hetero booth, nothing more awkward than him thinking you want some more.
Throwingawaytifu: As I stated in another reply, he's married with children. Also I do plan on talking with him very soon. We both have some apologizing to do, me for the stuff I/we said jokingly to each other (gay slurs) in our youth and him for ...well..not really needing to apologize to me I guess.
[deleted]: He should probably apologize to his wife for being a terrible husband and person in general.
gainingimpetus: Did someone kill your father at Gloryhole?
Seriously though, why do you think that guy did anything wrong?
[deleted]: Because he cheated on his wife and potentially exposed her to STDs. What is wrong with you that leads you to believe either of those are acceptable in any way?
gainingimpetus: Without any context to this man's relationship with his wife we have no evidence that he is even still having sex with his wife, which could in fact be why he is at a Gloryhole in the first place.
Assuming that he is endangering his wife or cheating on her is conjecture. Although both of those statements are probably true. They are unknown and assuming that he a horrible person is wrong given that we only know that he finds sexual pleasure in gratifying men.
[deleted]: Cheating is wrong, the context doesn't matter.
gainingimpetus: There is no proof that he is cheating either. Just because monogamy is the cultural majority in the western world, it doesn't mean they are monogomous in marriage either.
[deleted]: Even if that were true, and statistics say it's almost definitely not, he's still potentially exposing his wife to STDs by having unprotected sex with random people.
gainingimpetus: You're assuming a man who sucks off men at a Gloryhole has a traditional heterosexual relationship with a woman. Think about that for a second.
[deleted]: There are plenty of repressed homosexuals in heterosexual relationships. Explain it how you want, what he is doing is wrong and he is endangering his wife by having unprotected sex with strangers.
gainingimpetus: It is wrong to endanger someone else by the choices you make.
We do not know that this is the case, in this case. You can make all the assumptions about the situations surrounding this guy, but that doesn't damn him.
[deleted]: He is, in plain fact, potentially exposing his wife to STDs by having unprotected sex with random people. That fact can not be interpreted in any other way.
gainingimpetus: "His wife and him are legally separated but live together to keep up the facade to their family and community."
Lawyered son. You'll win the next one.
[deleted]: That was added later. I'm glad that's the case.
| 16 | 59.5 | |
1408357666 | 1408418066 | t3_2dvheu | t5_2to41 | 242 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my brother a birthday greeting featuring my tits
It was my brother's birthday yesterday (the 17th) and I'm living 2,700 miles away from him so we planned on having a Skype date for his birthday. I needed fifteen minutes to get ready but sent him pictures while I was preparing, to keep him updated on time.
I wrote a cute little birthday note on my black dry erase board and sent it via Snapchat. While I was trying to send it a notification popped up asking me if I wanted to publish it to my storyline - a notification I had never received before but clicked too quickly to think about. Once I realized what I had done I shrugged it off, it was just a cutesy message to my brother on his birthday, I figured at most people would be confused.
Fast forward four hours later - my sister texts me and says "You sent a topless picture out on your storyline!"
As it turns out, you could see my topless reflection in the black dry erase board... I sent my tits to everyone in my Snapchat list.
"Happy birthday little bro! Here's some tits. Mine."
khalidhaddad: ... Wow
also.. are you hot?
[deleted]: I'm sure my brother doesn't think so
TerminusEst86: I guess you'll know whether or not that's the case if he returns the favor or not.
[deleted]: He sent me a Snapchat video where he lit his underwear on fire last week, that count?
LAZODIAC: With a *firework*?
Just wondering.
[deleted]: No... With a lighter
LAZODIAC: Okay, that's that. Now! Why the fuck would he do THAT!?!
[deleted]: I didn't actually ask, he's just odd.
LAZODIAC: Let's just say he's... *special*.
| 10 | 24.2 | |
1408357827 | 1408458240 | t3_2dvhj6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | TamiyaTA04: TIFU by 'going back for seconds'
bumbleeds: Work in London. Drive RX8, OWN NICE HOUSE. Live in a village, only cheap house I could find.
AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHTY THEN!
TamiyaTA04: Just because it's cheap doesn't mean it can't be nice
And the rx8 was my dad's car so I didn't have to pay
ParanoiDMusic08: capitalism ftw
| 4 | 1 | |
1408378195 | 1408482216 | t3_2dvhbn | t5_2to41 | 14 | RastaSauce: can you do a google search
EDIT:
the above comment said "umm can you explain what MDMA is"
inevitabled34th: Can you be less of a dick? Some people aren't junkies like you.
RastaSauce: and I'm also a serial killer because I know what murder is?
inevitabled34th: Pretty much...
bdawgsupreme: K why the fuck did 3 ppl down vote this comment? :,(
inevitabled34th: I can't see what you're talking about
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1408366008 | 1408431681 | t3_2dvihx | t5_2to41 | 7 | arax3000: They were so angry and then next day they were asking whether I was gay or not, so it wasn't pleasurable
Nohalfmeasures00: Did you explain to them what it was?
arax3000: yer i did in the end and it was all good
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408361228 | 1408380673 | t3_2dvkiq | t5_2to41 | 22 | Theguythatfuckedup: TIFU by trying to write up a TIFU
Background info: I have a teacher that's name is Christa. She usually helps me with my studies when I'm having trouble.
Now first off let me tell you about the TIFU I was typing up first..
My teacher (Christa) is very beautiful and I asked if she could help me understand a couple of math algorithms after class. She accepted. Christa was helping me but excused herself for a second and left the room. Outside the room, I overheard her conversation with another female teacher behind the door. Christa asked her if she could do up her bra from behind as it must of came undone. As the other teacher was doing up Christa's bra I noticed that Christa didn't close the door the whole way. Me being the curious being I am, I decided to look through. As my eyes Gazed at my teachers face they started to stare down lower, seeing my teachers shirt held up by the other teacher trying to do her bra up. Me seeing her pierced bellybutton I instantly started to fantasize about Christa.
After awhile Christa came back in and started to help me with my study again. Me still fantasizing about her through the whole time we were together, I Subconsciously started to rub my pants where my Monster python was lurking, furiously wanting to be freed from it's cage. Christa quietly screamed a bit and said sorry it's nothing afterwards. I suddenly realized what I was doing and quickly stopped while blushing real hard. 20 minutes has gone by and Christa said that she had to go and gave me a hug, I hugged her back.. Noticing that I still have the massive monster python in my pants I panicked and backed away from her. Me wondering if she noticed my python I awkwardly said my goodbye. Christa, who was a tomato in the face at the time, Said goodbye and headed off.
Now the second TIFU..
A couple of hours later I was at home starting to write up my TIFU of what happened with Christa, I decided to stop writing it for now and started to study a bit more in another room. My mother decided to look onto my computer which had my TIFU written up. My mother walked into the room and stated to me "So where is your monster python at the moment?" I panicked and played the "I don't know what your talking about" Role and later got a talking to with Christa and my Mother at the same time... And that Ladies and Gentlemen is how I fucked up.
yrpretty: Up next: TIFU by commenting on my TIFU about my TIFU.
AramisAthosPorthos: Tifuception
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1408361419 | 1408363875 | t3_2dvkoi | t5_2to41 | 4 | Grunzelbart: TIFU by cutting the tip of my finger with a utility knife
First off, i'm not a native speaker so please excuse any weird words...Like most of the Fuck-ups on here this didn't happened today but two days ago. (Saturday evening) For context, i am a 19 year old male and work in a supermarket in my city as a side job, before i'm going away to university next month. Well and as a student basically helping out i obviously always get the nightshift on friday and saturday, since that is the time where all full-time workers would rather be home. But i still like and also enjoy my job. The pay is great, the work not too hard and rewarding, i get along well with everybody. Now and Saturday was one of those nights were i was supposed to stay alone for the final hour. I basically take away all the all the special offer pricetags and put all the spoilable vegetables and fruits into the cold storage room. Well I've been at this for almost a year now so i am usually routined with all this.
Now to my Fuck-up: At around 19:30 (store closes at 21:00), i was packing in some goods and per accident a plastic bottle of vinegar feel on the floor. The cap got damaged and all the damaged goods go into the a special shopping cart to be written off (that's protocol, though i've never witnessed it). And because the bottle was leaking i went outside to pour the content down the drain as to not spoil the cart. So i walk outside and begin pouring, but can't manage to open the bottle. That's were the screwage begins: i decide to take my utiltly knife - a safety utility knife which you can pull out a little bit out of it's case and which then springs back into it - and cut with that little blade into the fairly thick plastic of the bottle. So i drive the tip of the blade into the bottle and make the first cut, then the second one. I try to pour it but it still isn't quick enough. And (you guessed it) while trying furthen the first cut i slip cut through the half the Bottle, which is suddenly really soft and easy to cut and slice into my grip. I make a deep cut into the tip of my finger and stare at it in shock for a second while vinegar is pouring into the wound.
Muttering insults i rush into the toilet and let most of the blood run into the sink while trying to find out how deep i cut. And i was actually able to pull a decent chunk of flesh back and forth..although it burned like a bitch. Now i proceeded to make a protocol of the injury, insisted that all my coworkers go home, made a break in the recreation room because i was having a shock and my view was blurring and then proceeded to finish my tasks as best as i could. Everything actually went decent and the cut quickly stopped bleeding but now i am sitting here at home with a big problem. The cut is at the tip of my finger, basically parrallel to my nail which means i can still use the PC and do most of my tasks, but it leaves me unable to practice Piano which pisses me off to no end. And as far as my knowledge goes these kind of cuts take forever to heal so goodbye muscle memory.
TL;DR in case i wrote too much for this itzy-bitzy cut (you monster): Cut the tip of my left index finger, poured vinegar all over it. Everythings fine now except that i can't play the piano properly anymore. But maybe i get a cool scar so i can point at people angrily.
gnarfler: You should keep practicing the piano despite the cut. One time I cut my hand real bad but I still tried to get out and play the bongo drums. The first week I didn't last too long as the wound hadn't healed properly. But over the next few weeks I learned to play with the back of my hand. I know it's different on the piano, still it'll only make you a stronger player knowing that nothing will get in the way of your practice. It'll heal in time and soon you'll be back to playing without a bandage and you'll be able to appreciate playing without that obstruction even more.
Grunzelbart: The problem is that i fear it will open the wound if I basically hit against it a 100 times
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408363978 | 1408900054 | t3_2dvnaj | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by kicking my dog in the ribs.
OK so I have a tennis ball launcher thing and I thought I would use it while camping. At first it seemed good, he ran after it and came back but like most dogs, he didn't drop the ballsy so I used the tennis ball launcher to pick it up. Then he snarled and bit the launcher but when I got the tennis ball, he bit my bare foot, I then without thinking kicked him in the ribs with my other foot, I feel so bad because he has become very submissive. I didn't make him bleed/vomit and I didn't break his ribs. The dog is a small yorkie crossed with a lurcher (can't be sure, he was a rescue dog).
Tl;dr: dog bit my foot when I stole the tennis ball and I kicked him in the ribs.
jray80066: I shot my neighobrs 3 new born puppys in the rib cage with a .22 rifle
DrGhostfire: o.O Explain?
jray80066: They were playing in their backyard I opened my window and fired 3 rounds into each puppys rib cage
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1408349371 | 1408393994 | t3_2dvai3 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Dallaaassss: Tifu by answering the door basically naked
So this happened yesterday morning. I was up the night before until about 5am fishing with some buddy's so I was trying to sleep In on Sunday someone rings my doorbell at like 8:30 and I'm sleeping with nothing on but the smallest pair of boxers I own literally the smallest nut hugging sprem killing boxers I own. It's really early so I figure it's one of my buddy's so I don't bother putting cloths on I get up and head to the front door and I can't see through the glass to tell who it is because I don't have my contacts in and I am blind without them so I just fling the door wide open! And what am I greeted by? A pastor of a church and his two little kids I look down at what I am wearing and look back up at him and all I could say was "how's it going" I guess it could have been worse but I thought I should share it
Edit: I still got an invite to their church!
lostbreeze: > I own literally the smallest nut hugging sprem killing boxers I own
Maybe edit for words :P
Dallaaassss: It's hard to English
lostbreeze: Maybe his undies were too tight to vocalize :P
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408364137 | 1408371466 | t3_2dvng7 | t5_2to41 | 7 | plscheck: TIFU by accidentally seeking consolation in my masturbatory technique with my group of church friends
It's your classic I-texted-the-wrong-person fuck up.
I was texting this girl I sext with occasionally, but I wasn't sexting at this moment. For some reason the conversation resulted in me saying (more or less, can't remember the exact words), "I masturbate with my left hand, which makes me feel lonely at times when I see all these jokes on the internet about a man and his right hand."
Except I was also in a group chat with these people from church and somehow sent it to them. (I'm not religious and I don't really go to this church, but I like hanging out with these people from time to time.) I've always sworn to myself that I would never be that person who sends a text to the wrong person, but alas it happened.
I left that chat group, deleted the app, and never plan on talking to them again.
[deleted]: If they are real friends, some may surprise you. Many people holding true to the most important tenets blow off those that are obviously the product of the severely patriarchal society with phobic sexual hangups.
plscheck: Yeah that's the problem. I'm not that close to them. I enjoy hanging out with them occasionally, but they certainly aren't part of my close group of friends. I suppose that helps mitigate the fuck up, but at the same time it's awkward because everyone at church knows one another and they all know my parents. They've probably started some prayer group for me and are sending out prayer chain emails to everyone at church (jk, but really)
[deleted]: I know, right? My mom is part of a prayer chain, too. I can't believe some of the requests I've heard her relaying. Some are really, really TMI subjects.
I was so glad when they stopped praying at me. Hearing them creeped me out and made me feel worse than I did.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408369194 | 1408377831 | t3_2dvtm1 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Futuramafryday: TIFU by reaching for a t-shirt.
So a little background, my family has a history of back problems. Years of football, wrestling, and general stupidness hasn't helped my case. On to the story.
So this morning I woke up in my dorm, ready for my first day of my softmore year of college. I had already unpacked, and all of my clothes were hanging in the cabinet. As I reached up for a shirt, I knew what was about to happen, and then I heard it. *Crack.* Immediately I fell to the floor in pain. I threw out my back for the first time. Agonizing pain. Just terrible. I slowly got up, praying my new roommate whom I had never met until the day before wasn't awake yet, and of course he was. Embarrassment rushed over me as I stuttered about family back issues and wrestling, then I fled, slowly, out the door for class.
After 4 sets of stairs and a hard drive over to campus (I live in off campus dorms so I could bring my car) I walked to my first class. Sat there inaudible for an hour, left, then realized something: I have football practice in 6 hours. Went to my next class: 5 hours. I kept thinking about getting tackled, or even tackling, or running, or moving faster than a slow crawl. Now I await my fate. In 4 hours OP will be dead. Wish me luck.
[deleted]: As a person that has played contact sports my whole life also with back problems, my suggestion is to take time off to let it heal. Back pain is some of worst pain I have experienced. Its not worth risking the rest of your life for a sport.
Futuramafryday: Someone who knows my pain. I'll stop by my coaches office today and try to talk to him. Hopefully there's a school chiropractor that I can see or something
dagreja: Yeah bro as someone who also has back issues, backs are nothing to fuck with.
| 4 | 4 | |
1408360733 | 1408400146 | t3_2dvk2l | t5_2to41 | 101 | NarcoticSqurl: TIFU by uploading 2 GB of porn to my schools main server. NSFW
Happened a while ago but I still think of it from time to time. Thought it'd be perfect for this sub. Around 6 years ago I'm a senior in HS in the AV/Multimedia tech program. I have a bunch of friends taking the course as well, but this deals with a particular person we'll call Dean. Dean and I had been friends for a long time (since elementary school), but since my parents were a very peculiar breed of individuals, I really wasn't allowed to see people other than family. So now we're seniors and have been catching up for the past 3 years.
During Media we spent a lot of time bullshitting with a fair group of people, but this day it was just Dean and I. He'd mentioned he was working on a project for English and needed pictures. I handed him my flash drive and told him to look through the folder marked "Stuff". When he opened the folder, I watched as his face grew in awe, the sort of awe that is backlit by a holy light as the angels sing a chorus of beautiful tunes. The holy grail had been found. Within the folder was roughly 500MB of assorted memes and gif images, with an additional 2 GB of pornographic videos, gifs, pictures and porno memes as well. I would be lying if I said I could describe it all to you, but there was far to much to relay. He turned to me with the biggest smile you could find on another human being.
Dean: "Where in the fuck did you find all this?"
Me: "Google. Mostly 4chan, but Google was a bountiful place too."
Dean: "Can I have all of this?"
Me: "Sure. You got a flash drive?"
He searched and searched, but his efforts were in vain. With defeat and sorrow he returned and told me he'd have to get it from me tomorrow.
The very next day he arrives in Media and finds me. "Let it begin." This is where the fuck up occurs. Instead of finding a computer NOT connected to the school main servers, we decide to log onto the general access computer in our radio room (yes we had a public radio station). So without thinking I logged in to the computer, plugged in both flash drives, and started the transfer.
This is where my memory gets foggy though, for all intents and purposes, I swear on my life that I selected every file, copied them, and pasted them directly to his flash drive. But somehow, what actually happened was every file that was selected (which was every last one) was copied onto the server before being transferred to deans flash drive.
Unawares, we finished the transfer, unplugged our flash drives and proceeded on with our day. At the end of the week however, I get a call to the principles office. When I arrive, the principle, my teacher and Dean are seated, waiting for me. Now, even though Dean and I hadn't been around each other as long as we'd been friends, we were still pretty accurate at reading each other's body language.
With the magnitude of a thousand pimps, the principle looks us dead in the eyes, and asks us "Do you know why I've called you both down here?" We both answer no, and he gracefully lifts a folder up onto his desk. From within the depths of this tomb of utter fuckedness, he pulls out 34 sheets of thumbnails, printed off of the server. My stomach sinks and the interrogation begins. Dean and I manage to maneuver our stories around the truth, saying that I didn't know what all was in the folder, that I'd downloaded the files in bulk and hadn't looked at it yet, but knew there were supposed to be funny pictures in it.
Then, in a moment of utter disbelief, Dean looks at the principle and says "I'm sure if you look through it you'll find something you find funny." I must admit, I'd never stared down another human being with such incredulity in my life. The principle points to a random thumbnail, looks at it and reads "Rape. It's only funny if you're raping a clown." God Dammit. Needless to say, we were busted, sentenced to a week of in school suspension, and had our computer privileges limited. The kicker? We found all the pictures they claimed were "deleted", and saved them again before we graduated.
TL;DR My friend and I uploaded 2GB of porn to the schools main server, denied it, got busted and did the walk of shame to a weeks worth of I.S.S.
EDIT: Everyone asking me to upload, I'm not honestly sure I still have all the shit. I'll check my flash drives and upload what I do have tomorrow morning. Not all of it but enough to give you an idea.
EDIT 2: Ok, so I checked all 4 of my flash drives, and I don't have the archive anymore. However my child is currently running around so I can't post any links. Basically there were a lot of orgy, DP, demotivational pornsters, etc. Probably the worst was some chick taking 2 dicks in each hole, while some of the funnier ones include a shot of a woman from behind with the world map tattooed all over her ass and vagina while fingering herself. The caption on it says "I've never wanted to visit Africa more." since africa was right over her vagina. There was also a gif I had of a woman sucking a dudes dick with 8-bit 100's popping up after each bob. Eventually she slipped (50 points), so the dude starts bitch slapping the hell out of her (100 points, 200, 400, 1600, 3200, 6400, 12800, 25600, 51200) final power up glow on his hand....BOOM! 102,400 Points, Ultimate Combo!!! So there was a lot of stuff, and I'm actually saddened that I can't find it. Apologies all.
kesuaus: UPLOAD THE ALBUM.
NarcoticSqurl: Ok, check the edit. No promises but I'll do what I can.
kesuaus: thanks .
| 4 | 25.25 | |
1408370142 | 1408373556 | t3_2dvuxg | t5_2to41 | 15 | Iwillneverbeawizard: TIFU by not checking the laptop camera (post from 25 years in the future)
lgm201014: Is this a troll? Your dad just posted the same story on here...
Iwillneverbeawizard: This is not a troll, I'm here from the future to share my story with you guys
lgm201014: Ohh youre ACTUALLY claiming to be from the future. Whats the future like btw?
Iwillneverbeawizard: It's awful, Comcast has taken over and become an international fuck-up that has the power to destroy any website that doesn't share it's views. Google? Doesn't exist anymore. Reddit? I'm so sorry (kinda why I came back in time to post this).
There has been a WWIII, but it ended in a Chinese victory in 2026.
We discovered a way to completely purify water, so we pee/bathe in a machine and it sends water to our house.
Global warming doesn't exist, we fixed it.
Junk food causes cancer.
Oh, and we have this weird thing where we can't own mittens (gloves are fine).
lgm201014: Oh gosh!!! I need to stock up on mittens, they probably sell for good $$ in the black market!!
Iwillneverbeawizard: Hurry! They become contraband in 2015.
This is actually the biggest reason I came back
lgm201014: Thanks for the tip, wise man. One more thing i have to know.. it is very important that you tell me the truth - my life depends on it. Does Nutella still exist? Does it taste the same?
Oh and also, what should I invest on in the stock market?
Iwillneverbeawizard: Nutella... It's been a long time since I heard that name. It was bought by Hershey's but it still tastes the same.
There is gonna be a huge drop in computers (you can probably guess why).
Also, there is gonna be a new company that comes out in 2027 called NuWater (pronounced New Water). PUT ALL YOUR MONEY IN THAT SHIT!
| 9 | 1.666667 | |
1408370463 | 1408374588 | t3_2dvvfs | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally chatting in the company network about a coworkers sexual preference [NSFW]
Long time lurker, thought i'd share this one.
This happend around 6 years ago.
I was finishing an internship and I met a girl there who worked in the same department. She was cute, hungry for attention and I liked giving her the attention. She was also a total slut.
Every monday we would discuss her weekend in great detail, often talking about who she dated and/or cheated with.
Note: She was really into black guys.
Around this time I invited a friend of mine into the company social network. This was totally not allowed, but I trusted him.
A few days in a row we chatted using private conversations and then one time, Just one time, i made the mistake of not starting a private conversation.
We ended up talking in the Company stream, for all eyes to see.
Even saying stuff like "Haha, imagine if people could see this!"...
At some point he said
"So, did you hook up with that girl yet?
-- Nah, I tried, but that's not going to work..
-- Besides, she's into black dicks anyway"
... Aaaand that's when shit hit the fan.
an hour later or so she walks into the office (it was just me in there), shouting "I KNOW AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN".
I remember thinking "I know?" "Know what?".
"OH.
SHIT."
I was tripping balls at that point, scared shitless what would happen.
I sat there about 5 minutes, trying to figure out what to do. Then my manager came around the corner and asked me to step into his office.
I sat down and he says "Yeah.. so.. That wasn't smart", with a smirk on his face.
"I think it's best you go home for the rest of the day".
So i did..
When I got to work the next day I had a meeting with him. As my internship was about to end anyway, he said he couldn't offer me a job and that was to be 'my punishment'. He was pretty okay about it.
I sent flowers to her with a letter attached explaining how sorry I was. As she wouldn't talk to me that was the best I could do.
Since then i've been pretty careful on social networks and NEVER talk about colleagues through written text. I suggest you do the same :)
polishgravy: That wasn't an accident, that was you being an idiot.
Once_i_: You are right.
Where's the rules saying this needs to be an accident?
polishgravy: It was in the title.
Once_i_: ah.. yes.
| 5 | 1 | |
1408372921 | 1408390156 | t3_2dvza1 | t5_2to41 | 17 | hyuga488: TIFU by not impressing my hero
So I'm a student in Cleveland hoping to become a prosecutor one day. I get the opportunity of a lifetime- to help out in a class taught by Blaze Thomas, easily the most famous Cleveland prosecutor (he was the one they gave Ariel Castro to).
Everything is going great. Things are running smoothly, and he seems to be impressed with my knowledge and time-keeping abilities. So he decides to give me a chance.
"Hey kid, why don't you try giving an opening statement. You want to be a prosecutor, right? Tell the jury why they should convict this guy."
So I give a rousing opening statement. All the lawyers are very impressed, until...
"YOU MUST FIND HIM NOT GUILTY!" I end my speech movingly.
Then I realized my mistake too late, as my hero declared-
"You might want to try the defense attorneys."
In the end, we laughed it off and he was super cool and nice but wow. TIFU.
[deleted]: You impressed me :)
unsupported: Stop it mom!
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1408371803 | 1408462590 | t3_2dvxl3 | t5_2to41 | 251 | ashkansme: TIFU by taking a screenshot of cats while snapchatting a girl
Well...I'm quite new to Snapchat and a girl I've been messaging suggested we send each other pics getting naughtier and naughtier. At the same time I was messaging her on WhatsApp and scouring reddit. I came across the pic of the identical cats and thought I'd send it to my cat loving friend but she doesn't have reddit so I took a screenshot. As I did this, a pic arrives from the girl. I obviously open it and enjoy the few seconds of naughtiness.
I go back to WhatsApp to express my acknowledgement of her sexiness only to be faced by repeated "fuck you" messages. Girl thinks I took a screenshot of her pic. I then try proving her wrong so I take a screenshot of my screenshot album and send it to her.
She doesn't believe me and says "nice screenshot of the dirty chat..." I check what I sent her and one of the screenshots she saw was an old convo I had with another girl about some real dirty stuff. The purpose of this screenshot was because that initial girl refused to admit we ever had those chats so I screenshot that convo and sent it to her and things ended with her.
At this point I gave up and the only thing that seems to have been any help is the fact that the girl is a redditer so she agreed that this would make a good tifu post. She hates me now.
tl:dr I took a screenshot of cats when opening a Snapchat and girls hates me. I tried to prove I took a screenshot of cats but sent her a screenshot of a dirty convo with another girl.
[deleted]: >one of the screenshots she saw was an old convo I had with another girl about some real dirty stuff.
Yeah, I would stop giving you any benefit of the doubt at this point, too. The explanation you gave here doesn't even sound justifiable.
That sucks, dude.
What I don't understand is how you can even tell that another person is taking screenshots at all... ?
GoAwyB8N: Snapchat alerts the other user that you took a screenshot of the photo or message they sent you, supposed to be a photo exchange app with no paper trail kind of app for exchanging naughty pics...
and here I am only getting pictures of my friend's cats...
Tonkacat: It is a false sense of security as someone could simply take a picture of their phone screen with another camera.
Ranquin: Or use a app meant to save snapchats
Taega: Phantom For Snapchat on iPhone does the trick well. Saves without alerting people ☺️
pwned555: Or you could not be a creep and just use the app as the other person intended...
Taega: I use it because it's faster than SS'ing. I'm just putting a viable option out there for others. No need to be so toxic ^^
pwned555: Yeah because taking a screen shot is so unbelievably hard and time consuming.
phommt: And it doesn't alert the sender. If it makes your daily tasks easier, why the hell not? I don't know about you but if something could be done faster easily, I'm taking that deal. There's developers for a reason.
pwned555: Because people are sending you things on that application under the premise that it will be deleted in a matter of seconds. If they wanted you to have a permanent copy of it they would send you a fucking text. That's why it's not okay...
| 11 | 22.818182 | |
1408373809 | 1408430986 | t3_2dw0og | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by arguing about penis envy in public.
This actually happened a few weeks ago at a camp I attended.
So my friend and I were eating dinner and like any other teenage boys, we were having a healthy and productive conversation about male genetalia. The topic turned to the term 'penis envy', and I discovered that my friend was misguided in his definition of the term. He believed that penis envy regarded a man's jealousy of the size of another man's member. Naturally, I pulled up a definition on my phone and corrected him.
My friend ultimately conceded to my superior knowledge of penises, and in a fit of pride and arrogance, I yelled:
"HA! You knew nothing about penis envy! I know what penis envy is!"
The dining hall grows silent. I receive a collective look of concern from the adjacent table of female councelors. My smile of victory turns to ashes as I realize what my outburst has implied, considering that most of these people are likely not familiar with the proper definition of penis envy.
tl;dr - Made a bunch of people that I will probably never meet again believe that I am jealous because of my theoretically small penis size.
capnbossman: TIL I didn't actually know the definition to penis envy.
For those who still don't know: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_envy
johnnywacko: i have tit envy.
FormalCheese: No, you don't, Tons of Fun.
^^^Don't ^^^take ^^^it ^^^personally.
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1408376630 | 1408390325 | t3_2dw5ir | t5_2to41 | 37 | EternalNumLock: TIFU By crying in the car
Rewind to June of my freshman year of high school. I had met my girlfriend the September before and we hit it off really well. I'm now about to be a senior in high school and we're still together. Anyways, my fuck up begins with a nice trip to the mall with a few friends and my girlfriend.
We patrol the mall as teenagers did back then walking around the many levels of stores and kiosks buying infrequently since we had little money to spend. Nine o'clock comes around and my girlfriend's friend (we'll call her Sadie) Sadie's dad offers to drive my girlfriend and I home. We accept.
Around half an hour later while a short distance from my home, my girlfriend seems solemn and unresponsive and looks up to me with a message written out in the notepad of her phone. It contained words that shook me into emotion. She was going on a trip all summer down to Florida to be with her grandparents and she wouldn't be back until a day before school. This alone upset me but there was more under the fold of the page and upon scrolling down my true fears were realized. She didn't know if she could keep up the long distance relationship all summer and she said she'd miss me. Mind you, I loved my girlfriend because she was the only one who would love me for who I was even through my awkwardness. I was so used to rejection and being used before I met her. It was at this point, with tears streaming down my face, that we arrived at my house. I kissed her on the cheek, wiped the tears from my face and trudged inside. Little did I know that I had unwittingly made a grave mistake.
My grandparents and uncle were over my house just for a visit and upon my entrance, I was greeted with smiles and hellos, however they quickly faded into concerned and disappointed looks. I was confused and asked what the matter was. My mother asked me to open my eyes and followed up with questioning me as to what I'd been doing that night. It hit me. My eyes were fucking bloodshot from the crying and to my family, it looked like i had been smoking marijuana. My mother and father brought me into the kitchen and angrily interrogated me for a solid five minutes and all I told them was that we went to the mall and I was tired from staying up late the night before (all of which was true). I couldn't tell them about the car ride home, my dignity was on the line and being the proud person that I was, I shrugged it all off and went to sleep.
To this day my parents think I do drugs and have sex frequently, which I do not do at all. I'm extremely anti-drug and anti-alcohol which is contrary to the average person of my age, plus My girlfriend and I are abstinent overall, occasionally having some rather frisky make-out sessions and the like. Additionally, my girlfriend and I did work out the nitty-gritty details of an LDR over the summer. We skyped twice a day and texted nonstop throughout the day like teenage couples usually do.
TL;DR I cried in a car ride home because my perfect girlfriend was leaving for the summer and was considering breaking up with me and I walked into a house of family members with bloodshot eyes as a result of the crying and to all, it looked like I was high. I wasn't.
chitown851: Crazy idea here...why don't you just tell your parents the truth, even now.
EternalNumLock: It keeps life interesting and I want them to gain trust in me by seeing that I don't get into trouble at all. They've never had trust in me going out into public and I want them to gain trust in me by figuring out that I'm not like that on their own. Besides, by bringing it up as late as now, it'll probably make a red flag pop up in their heads and as a result they won't believe me. They have a weird thing in which they never believe anything I say.
chitown851: hmmm..they don't believe anything you say mostly because you aren't truthful here (and who knows how many other times). You know how you gain trust...you become honest with them. This isn't rocket science here.
EternalNumLock: I am almost exclusively honest with them at all time excluding this, but bringing this incident back up would only bring back past distrust in the case of my parents. It's how they operate.
IAMtheliquorRand: Sorry to be blunt but your parents sound like a couple of dicks. From what you have said, you have never given them any reason to distrust you. I feel like you're going about this trust thing all wrong. If they don't already, they aren't going to trust you. Ever. Period. They have an unhealthy level of paranoia regarding your potential to screw up which I personally would find insulting. I don't know how old you are but at some point you are just going to have to accept the fact that they will never feel like you are doing well in life, when in all actuality, you are doing better than most people around the same age. You're allowed to mess up in life. People, including your parents, make mistakes. Such is life. If I were you, I would stop worrying so much about what my parents think and live my life without the influence of my parent's watchful eye. If you don't, it could develop into some significant mental complex later in life and my guess is you will resent your parents for it.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1408378011 | 1408381090 | t3_2dw7x8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking the laptop camera 25 years ago
Psionx0: Um. Bullshit. The fathers story was just posted yesterday, and according to that, this scene happened... yesterday.
Voyager5555: I also call bullshit at that one as well; I go through at least 10 video calls a week and NO ONE leaves for 20 minutes with the call still connected.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408379031 | 1408402378 | t3_2dw9rn | t5_2to41 | 176 | flamingmenudo: TIFU by calling the cops on my new downstairs neighbor
Around 4AM, I woke up to pee and as I was falling back asleep I was heard unusual noises outside my four unit apartment.
I live in SF, so my street has lots of small multi-unit buildings that butt right up against each other and often share a single outdoor space for fires escapes, storing garbage cans, and access to garages and storage.
It sounded like someone was banging on wood.
I cautiously peered through the curtains on our street side window and noticed a man standing in front of our apartment looking down the street. He was dressed in white.
I thought that maybe he was the lookout for someone that had broken into the hallway between apartment buildings as I heard someone walking on the wooden fire escape too.
But I couldn't see anyone in the outside hallway from another window.
When I went back to the front window, the man was now climbing up the construction scaffolding on the unoccupied building next to ours.
A house under construction down the street had been broken into earlier this year, so now I assumed the same was happening next door.
I called 911 and minutes later three cop cars showed up and started shining search lights on the scaffolding next door like a scene from King Kong.
I went downstairs to tell the cops that the guy might have gone inside the building.
On the way down, I passed a man dressed in white coming out from the apartment under mine. He had just buzzed the cops in the front door.
The pack of six cops walked up the stairs and surrounded the man in white, demanding ID. He was a little out of it and the scene was tense as he tracked down his ID and explained who he was.
Turns out, it was my new downstairs neighbor that I hadn’t met yet. He had forgotten his keys and used a piece of wood from the neighbor’s scaffolding as a bridge into his open window on the second floor.
Hi neighbor!
chaingripped: At least now he knows that his neighbors are paying attention. When the guy across the street first moved in, I assumed he was going to my tweeker neighbors, and told him to fuck off and not park in front of my house. He said he was meeting the owner to get the keys. We drink lots of beers together now, and he tells the tale of how I almost whooped him when i met him. lol
[deleted]: Are you genuinely under the impression you get to tell people where they are allowed to park on the street?
chaingripped: our neighborhood had people move in that were selling drugs. Once we caught on, ALL the neighbors would tell them to get off our street. kids play, ride bikes, as a neighborhood we stood together to keep it safe.
caffeinefueled: I get that and that's totally cool, but how to accomplish but that by telling someone not to park in from of your house? they will hop in and move their car 10 ft away in front of another house.
boothdt: Mostly just making them aware that you know what they're doing. I don't know if you've ever habitually committed crimes but avoiding attention becomes second nature. All of your drug dealers neighbors making it obvious that they notice you, know what you're doing, and don't like you (won't mind describing you to the police) is an excellent reason to find another drug dealer.
caffeinefueled: Gotcha I thought you were just giving a hard time for the heck of it, good technique I must say
| 7 | 25.142857 | |
1408364387 | 1408400940 | t3_2dvnqk | t5_2to41 | 8 | Coonsi: TIFU To kill a cocking bird
I was around 12 years old maybe. Saw a cat mauling a pigeon. It had a huge gaping hole on its back and it was very much alive. The situation demanded a quick action for the sake of animal love. I felt it was my duty to give this poor bird coup de grâce. The cat saw me approaching and went back few feet still fixated on the bird with a glaring stare. Didn't want to deprive this small killer from its prey.
How should I end this bird? There were few sticks laying around, so dooh, naturally I wacked it with the stick. My child whacks lacked the killing power and precision so I was super ineffective. The pigeon was gargling and limping on its remaining good foot and doing pigeon death noises which only stressed me.
Eventually it limped into an open basement window and fell down and the cat saw it and jumped after it. I only imagine the horror of dying in pitch blackness with a predator eating you alive.
tl;dr My mercy killing ended up even worse for the killee.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: This.
This I can fap to.
johnnywacko: this is so shocking that it is hilarious!
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408359704 | 1408448156 | t3_2dvj3s | t5_2to41 | 4 | fuckyeahmoment: TIFU by kicking my Girl's butt. In the butt. (literally)
It was a sad day for ~~humanity~~ me, for the Female in question had secretly secured a butt-plug from the depths of the interwebs and was aptly wearing it with minimal discomfort for the duration of the morning. That was true 'till the now infamous "War of IwanttheredsailsontheJackdawandthereisnothingyoucandoaboutit" which resulted in an unfortunate loss on my part, Uplay Elite sails be damned. As she walked off to gain sustenance in the form of Pepsi cans and cold, hard, rigid Pizza I decided to give my revenge in the form of a kick to the buttocks as she sensually strutted away. They heard the scream on Pluto. I thought that I'd kicked the butt but nay for I had assaulted the butt-plug on it's head and had driven it much further into her Virgin buttsickle than it should be on the first time. I was, however, told in no uncertain terms that no buttsex will happen between us and that we still had it on for that night, for we had a dream, a MIGHTY DREAM, to out-compete the rabbits in the week we have alone together. Halfway through that week and we have taken the challenge to out-compete bacteria.
We have a few (manymanymany) stories from both the past year and the past few days those from the past year are mostly non-sexual and those from the few days are extremely sexual. This is the tamest thing that has happened in the past few days.
frozenanuran: I read this story in the voice of Optimus Prime.
Deathiaz: I read it in the voice of the narrator from battleblock theayre
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408374738 | 1408392990 | t3_2dw2bf | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU trying something new
I was bored at home, as usual, when I felt a little horny, and as probably most of you know how it feels, I decided to masturbate. But this time, I would try to ejaculate onto my phone (as though I am ejaculating onto the person I was watching)- When I reached the point of no return. Someone called. My phone has pictures for each of my close contacts, and unfortunately, my mother had called me. So when I looked down at my phone...
jburr008: This must be fake.
dragunityag: Most the stuff here is.
8BitPoro: How dare you insult reddit
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1408373282 | 1408454300 | t3_2dvzu0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | naresc91: TIFU by over sleeping. ..
Missed my alarm..
Late for work..
Dog leaves a huge puddle and pile of shit outside my door...
I'm sure some of you dog owners out there can relate...
leethal59: Did you call in sick?
Deathiaz: No but he called in stiff.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408384747 | 1408401734 | t3_2dwkfz | t5_2to41 | 75 | DragonSlayerXX11: TIFU by closing my garage door.
So the other day, I came home from work and found my whole family in the basement standing around something on the floor. Turns out, my mom had found a baby mouse on the floor. We looked around and found the mother nearby watching us, waiting for us to leave so that she could get her baby. So we left and let the mice go about their business because they were so cute.
The next day, I left to go run some errands and closed the garage door behind me, as any other person would do. The door is automatic and has lasers underneath it so that it doesn't close on anything. Because of this, every time I had to close the door I had to do a little hop over the laser.
I did my errands, came back to my house and opened the garage door. As the door opens, it reveals the crushed body of a little mouse that had tried to run under the door as it was closing. I was really sad when I saw this, I had crushed a cute little mouse, whose life I had spared the day before. Then, the door got a little higher and I could see into my garage. There, staring at the corpse of his dead mother, was the little baby mouse that my family had found yesterday. He was just sitting there staring. I have never seen anything this sad. I am a monster.
Also, I now know that I have been jumping over a "laser" for the past 4 years that doesn't actually work.
BigBobsBootyBarn: I have felt that pain OP. It was with an opossum though, and it wasn't an accident. A Wild, stinky, and extremely ornery opossum kept trying to charge our animals in the yard. No matter what I did he would not leave the yard, and I was afraid it would give my animals rabies. I got a pellet gun and hesitantly ended it's life. When I walked over to it's corpse, I realized why it was being so defensive.
It wasn't rabies, and it wasn't a he. It was a mother of three babies, still clinging on to the fur of the mom. I was a grown ass man and I felt the back of my throat start to close as I choked back tears. I have never felt so horrible in my life. We nursed them back to health and released them back into the wild. Funnily enough they are not dirty creatures at all, and mainly snacked on berries and grapes. I was humbled at the experience.
tl;dr *This is why I'm not a hunter*
tender_offer: tell us more about raising the opossum babies!
NeoMegamanX: This. Are there any plans into starting a global domination attack using your adopted children?
TheLoneLlama: Planet of the Opossums, OP is gonna be rich with movie and book deals.
| 5 | 15 | |
1408384193 | 1408411387 | t3_2dwjfl | t5_2to41 | 366 | tifuthrowaway1234: TIFU by having sex with an old high school friend and it blowing up in my face
So to preface, I've been friends with this girl since sophomore year of high school. We would have dated had it not been for bad timing, i.e. she had a boyfriend, then I had a girlfriend and then ending up in different colleges. Over the summers we would hang out (lived close to each other) but one summer we ended up hooking up. She decided to stick with this other guy (they went to the same college) over me and that was basically the end of it.
Fast forward five years later, she broke off her engagement with this guy due to him being pathological (I believe her) months ago and I just got out of a three year relationship months ago. She hits me up and wants to catch up totally out of the blue and I say sure. I don't know her intentions and I'm fully intending to just see whats up. Keep in mind, I don't want to get into anything serious, finally being single and intending to keep it that way.
We meet for dinner and it goes well, we're hitting it off, reminiscing about old times, not awkward at all and I'm feeling some sexual tones throughout the night. We leave dinner to get drinks at a bar and getting a little buzzed. At this point, I'm feeling the liquid courage and ask her if she wants to go back to my place. We've never fucked before and I've always wondered how it would be. At dinner she said she didn't want to get into anything serious, which to me sounds like this is an awesome fwb relationship in the making.
We make it by to my place and pour some more drinks, start making out and end up having some really, really awesome sex. I mean like "damn-I'm scared-the-neighbors-are-gonna-start-knocking-sex." Now, we're kind of post-bliss and talking about what we've got on our hands now. Again, I'm not down for anything right now but I'm starting to get the vibe she wants something else, fuck. Without anything really figured out I drop her back at her place and we decide to meet up for lunch.
At lunch, she seems really wishy-washy about going forward. I keep saying I don't want anything serious and she's saying the same thing but it doesn't feel genuine. Eventually after lunch I basically told her that if she wants something more than I'm find with being just friends. She breaks down and tells me that she loves me, regrets ending up with the other guy and not me...basically worse case scenario here. I'm starting to freak out because I've made my intentions clear from the get-go but I'm guessing she was wishing I had the same feelings and it just imploaded. I tried to salvage everything with being just friends but now its super awkward and I'm hitting myself for following my dick on this one.
Anyone else get themselves into something similar? How did it work out in the end?
plasma1147: try it out
alfrednugent: But take it slow.
Nixnilnihil: Use lube.
[deleted]: And as they say...
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...
...but a hand in the bush is worth dinner and a movie.
| 5 | 73.2 | |
1408382746 | 1408395599 | t3_2dwgpl | t5_2to41 | 23 | I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: TIFU by Dropping Spaghetti Everywhere.
Let me begin by informing you that I did not, in fact, pack myself a lunch for work today.
Anyways I was scheduled to teach some fellow Summer Students about the task they would be working on. I came into the office at 9:30, and noticed this gorgeous girl sitting in the area that I work in. I had never seen her before, so I figured she was one of the students, but I held my tongue.
A short while later, another decent looking girl joined her, and they both came over to my desk.
Now, I'm not a very social guy. In fact, I'm really introverted, and have difficulty talking to people I don't know well.
So, I proceeded to introduce themselves (yes, you read that correctly), and promptly drop spaghetti all over my work clothes, desk, floor and the ladies themselves. Verbally.
I think I managed to get the point of what they were supposed to do across, and I left them to email me any questions they had. Should have just made and emailed a step-by-step document to them...
tl;dr: I came up with a great saving line (an hour later):
"Come, let's get you out of that spaghetti stained shirt."
murph_diver: I'm so confused. Are you drunk?
BigBobsBootyBarn: Pretty sure he's referring to those old "internet" (you know what I mean) stories that start out normal enough and end with an embarrassing situation and random platefuls of spaghetti falling out of pockets.
Here his story is probably real, he's referring to the awkwardness of the situation. The more spaghetti, the worse it was.
[The more you know] (http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/spaghetti-stories)
murph_diver: Gotcha, it was just super vague so I felt like I was watching the middle of a LOST episode.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Also comes from Eminem's song "Lose Yourself," referring to being very nervous in front of an audience. The lyrics:
" [...]
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
[...]
"
murph_diver: haha ok, i guess i'm a little slow on the uptake today. the reference makes a lot more sense now.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1408385706 | 1408388905 | t3_2dwm9e | t5_2to41 | 8 | Aurenni: TIFU by inviting my ex over.
So today, an three hours ago actually, I invited my ex girlfriend over. (We will call her Gina.) She came over and eventually we started making out. We were alone at this point so it was okay. Im 18, and live with my mother, so she came home on a lunch break and ruined my afternoon with this girl. She left shortly after my mom strode into the room, because of comments made by my mother like "What happened to your sweet girlfriend", and "Did you poop today?"
Needless to say she was turned off by that.
jburr008: I don't think you fucked up. I think your mom is just daft or doesn't have a sound thought process.
TopCommentTheif: I disagree, as a father I might not do this but as a mother who wants to see their son be a scumbag cheating on their girl friend with an ex at YOUR house? Theres probably a reason their ex's...
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408370689 | 1408411849 | t3_2dvvti | t5_2to41 | 19 | PT110: TIFU by taking a screen shot at work
TIFU by taking a screen shot at work.
So I Reddit when ever I'm on the can at work. It's a nice way to enjoy the short break. Today I was happily surfing away when another gentlemen enters the bathroom and proceeds to use the urinal.
I also enjoy taking screen shots of pictures or articles I particularly enjoy. 99% of the time my volume is off (because of meetings etc..). Today being a Monday, so I wasn't at work the last couple days, my volume was up.
While as soon as he walks in I find a picture I liked, as the silence that normally prevails in men's restrooms sets in I take the screen shot. My phone then makes a loud camera shutter noise..
Effectively he now thinks there is some pervert taking pictures in the bathroom..
Horatio_Stubblecunt: You do understand that you can save the actual pictures to your phone, right?
PT110: Yes, but screen shots also work for conversations and it's quick. But thank you.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1408385472 | 1408388562 | t3_2dwlty | t5_2to41 | 101 | ColdWitchTits: TIFU by plugging two sides of a cable in the same router, crashing the company network and causing potentially hundreds of thousands in downtime costs.
I work as a part-time intern system administrator at a fairly large pharmaceutical company. I do mostly internal IT-support but also networking and basically all other things related to IT. I'm quite new and I'm still learning a lot but up until today it had been going very smoothly.
Anyway to the point. This morning I get a call about a guest from HQ who had trouble accessing the network. I go down to the conference room to see what was wrong. Now I admit I was a bit stressed out with all these high-up bosses sitting in the room waiting for me to fix this before they could begin their meeting. This conference room has two routers on each side of a big round table with cables in every port hanging loose. The point of this is when there are a lot of visitors they can easily plug in their laptop without any hassle. However it was very messy today, some cables weren't even connected to the router and were just adding to the mess.
I start troubleshooting and quickly come to the conclusion that the computer gets a bad IP-address. I try to plug in a different cable, I try some ipconfig commands and I try to plug it in from the other router.
None of it seems to work. In this cable mess I start to reattach all the cables I've used and all the loose cables just laying there. I then processed to leave the room to check if the trouble is in the switch or server end.
This is when all hell breaks loose. My phone starts ringing. People are having trouble with the network.
> It must be the server causing trouble.
I think to myself as I go up the stairs. I then run into the senior system admin. He has already realised there is something wrong whit the network. I see he's on the phone, he signals me to follow him down to the server room. After the call he turns to me.
> I think some of the network guys working downstairs have messed up a connection causing a loop, this has happened before.
I think for a few seconds.
> Shit.
I just realised what I might have done. I run up to the conference room and sure enough, one of the cables goes out from the router and then back in. I unplug it. The network slowly recovers.
Even though I realised my mistake pretty fast, it still caused one of our production servers to go down and not wanting to come back on. The production was down for a few hours before we managed to fix it.
EDIT: I knew some real system admins would come in and set things straight! I had no idea this could happen or that you can set it up to prevent it. I will talk to my colleague about it tomorrow (if I don't get fired). Thanks guys!
**TL;DR I fucked up by plugging two sides of a cable to the same router, causing the whole network to go down and the production to stop for hours.**
cspyny: No Spanning Tree Protocol on the switches?
xatrekak: Considering he stated that they are access ports I would assume portfast is enabled.
ericn84: Doesn't matter, spanning tree would have caught it fast enough to not cause a long term outage. Worst case would be up to 45 seconds if I remember correctly.
xatrekak: Except that 45 seconds is more than enough time for the switches CPU load to max out. Since spanning tree checks are done in the CPU they may not ever get processed.
| 5 | 20.2 | |
1408386776 | 1408459423 | t3_2dwoaj | t5_2to41 | 100 | [deleted]: TIFU By Calling a Boy A 'Good Girl' In Front of His Friends
They say women can't read maps and I guess it's true when it comes to my skills - or lack thereof. I was driving around New York, trying to find a place. That's when I noticed a group of kids (teenagers) with baseball bats.
''They must be local,'' I thought. ''They're going to help.''
So I asked the group of four about how to get to the place I'd wanted to get to. One stepped forward and showed me where to go on the map.
I smiled and said, ''you're such a good girl, thank you so much! How long've you been playing baseball?''
His friends burst into laughter. I then realized what I'd done. He had blonde hair that had a touch of femininity to them. I really thought he's female.
I just drove away, blushing.
PS. Do you think his friends are now going to bully him? ......
NyanDerp: Are you sure you're not Professor Oak?
[deleted]: To my best knowledge, I'm not.
NeoMegamanX: Quick test what's your grandson's name: Buttpoop, Blue or Gary?
[deleted]: I don't have a grandson, so his name is ................ That's his name. :)
LE_FAP_TO_EVERYTHING: Who calls his son "That's his name"?
Pfft...
NyanDerp: Professor Oak... DAMN IT OAK, YOU LIED TO US.
[deleted]: Maybe you're Oak, trying to deflect attention, hmm?
NyanDerp: No... No it can't be... ^^^shit ^^^they're ^^^onto ^^^me...
| 9 | 11.111111 | |
1408384092 | 1408389403 | t3_2dwj8q | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling asleep watching futurama on my laptop, but left Gay porn i the playlist aswell...
So I fell asleep this afternoon watching futurama because I hadn't slept all night and needed a couple hours to make it through the day.
Earlier in the day I was horny and downloaded some HD Gay porn to fap to (I don't even know why I downloaded) and must have left it in my VLC playlist.
I fall asleep pretty quickly, but the next thing I know I'm getting woken up by the grunts and groaning of two men pounding eachother. Quickly pause it. Think Oh shit, what the fuck...
Proceed to put Futurama back on and fall asleep again.
My brother is in the house and blatantly heard it. Haven't spoken to him since. Woopsie
bashfulcity: >Earlier in the day I was horny and downloaded some HD Gay porn to fap to (I don't even know why I downloaded)
u know why
[deleted]: Haha not the gay aspect... I know why I watch gay porn. I just don't know why I chose to download it and not stream like usual
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408385155 | 1408439127 | t3_2dwla1 | t5_2to41 | 18 | shitsticked: TIFU by zoning out at the movie theatre
Lurk-a-lot here. This, like everyone else's TIFU, is from awhile ago. But I just read some thing about creepy guys and it reminded me of something I did by accident.
I went to the movies with some friends back when I was a newbie at smoking weed. So needless to say I used to get really high and think a lot. I'm sitting in the theatre and it's dark still waiting for the previews to come on. I'm thinking about god knows what in my head and I'm just looking down and forward in whatever direction. I'm zoned out for a couple minutes when the previews start going on and the theatre brightens up.
I zone back in and notice this girl is giving me a really funny/creeped out look, I was looking directly at her from behind, and she turned around, noticed me staring that way, started tapping her (boy)friend, now he's looking my way. At that point I realize what I had done, but it was too late. I looked away and watched the movie and tried to forget about it.
The dirty looks I got waiting for my friends at the bathroom from that couple were just deadly though. Gave me an awkward awkward feeling and there was no point explaining myself then I would just sound like a liar.
TLDR- zoned out, stared at girl for too long without knowing it, she seen me, was awkward
scrumbdle: She probably should have been able to tell the difference. A zoned-out look is usually very different-looking than actually paying attention is.
wormspeaker: Well, OP didn't mention that he also had his hand down the front of crusty, stained sweat pants.
scrumbdle: "It's my 14th finish and the movie hasn't even started."
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1408387085 | 1408424266 | t3_2dwoti | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing music on full volume in a hospital lobby
This happened when I was in college. My friend had an ear infection so I accompanied him to the hospital. He went into the doctor's room and I waited for him in the lobby. Now you should understand that this is a mid-sized to large hospital and there were quite a number of people. I had nothing to do so I was listening to some music on my phone using earphones. I found it strange that the volume button was not working - even when I increased to full volume, it was just 'okay' i.e. it sounded a bit hollow and not like before. I said to myself, "What the hell, I need to replace these earphones."
Anyhow, after listening to 2-3 songs I noticed that everyone around me had their eyes on me. after a minute or two I got a little annoyed so I took off my earphones and tried to ask the person next to me what their problem was. As I put down my earphones, lo and behold, the song I was playing was louder than ever. I looked down at my phone and saw that it was playing on loudspeaker at full volume. My phone was a SonyEricsson phone and had great speakers. Somehow, the proprietary connectors were not working properly and meant that it played on loudspeaker the whole time! It was a miracle no one complained. I apologized and thankfully my friend emerged and we left the hospital shortly afterwards.
**TL;DR: Accompanied friend to hospital. Waited for him at the lobby. Listened to songs on phone using earphones. Didn't know earphones were not working so was playing songs on loudspeaker the whole time. No one complained.**
frowningcat: I find it really weird you couldn't tell the music wasn't coming from the earbuds...
SouthernTales93: It happens! It happened to me last night on the plane; earphones were not fully plugged into the laptop and I didn't notice until a song later when the passenger beside me told me about it
| 3 | 2 | |
1408389826 | 1408413398 | t3_2dwtr6 | t5_2to41 | 51 | odimm: TIFU by 'playing the field'
I've lurked around here for quite some time, and this is my first post. My apologies if I make a couple mistakes.
This is more of an ongoing mistake, rather than a TIFU, but it is a FU nonetheless. Recently I found myself a single man after 8 years of being tied down, so I've been spending my time hanging out with friends at random watering holes. A couple weeks ago, while playing pool with a friend, I met what might possibly be the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, and seeing as though I had a bit of liquid courage I decided to make a move. Everything went pretty well, aside from the fact that she mentioned she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. We, or I felt as though, hit things off amazingly. We had similar interest, and we talked long past the time either of us planned to hang around. At the mention of her recent relationship troubles I decided If I wanted anything to develop with her I'd have to play my cards slowly.
In the mean time I figured, there would be no harm in seeing what else is out there. I mean, I've been out of the market for quite some time, why not see what other fish are lurking around. Fast forward to last week. Once again I was at a different bar with a couple of friends, and noticed a decent looking female giving me those you-should-come-say-hi-eyes. So I did. She wasn't anything close to the girl that I met the week prior, but she was a solid 8/10. We started talking and then one thing turned into another. The next minute we were back at my place. Now, before we went back to my place I made it quite clear that I was not interested in any type of relationship whatsoever, and she claimed to be okay with that. (mistake #1).
Saturday comes around and the 10/10, the one I met while playing pool contacts me. She tells me that she'll be at the same bar for a friends birthday, and, if I wanted to, I should swing by to see her. So naturally I'm excited. I mean this girl (so far) is everything I could image and more.
I make my way to the bar and right away spot her in the crowd. I sneak up to tell her hello, and give her a nice big hug. As my arms wrap around her and my chin rest on her shoulder I look behind her and who do I see staring right at me with the look of are-you-serious? The 8/10. Turns out these two are best friends. It also turns out that they have talked about me to each other, however, neither mentioned my name so they assume they were interested in two different people.
I don't really care about losing the 8/10, I didn't want anything to do with her anyway aside from a quick one night stand, but turns out in doing this she completely wreck any chance I may have had with the other.
TL:DR - Met two girls at two different bars. Slept with one while trying to slowly build a relationship with the other. Turns out there were best friends.
SJHammer: You quickly won the battle.
You quickly lost the war.
odimm: I did indeed win the battle, and it appears I may have lost the war, but I'm not giving up 100% just yet. As TheHangedKing said, there is always the possibility for the friend swap. I just have to find someone that'll sweep the 8/10 off my hands, and then make my way back into the 10/10's court. It's dangerous, and rarely ever performed. It's worth a shot though.
TheHangedKing: Here's what you do: Ask the 8 if she would be interested in a threesome with the 10. She, being repulsed, leaves you. But lo! she tells her freind, the 10, of the request. 10 is now oddly flattered, and after sufficient time (bit of judgment needed) you call the 10, and she, being flattered, will be receptive to you asking her out.
That my freinds, is the sans- wingman switch, which I totally came up with on my own.
OnlyForF1: Hi OP don't listen to this.
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1408390757 | 1408437587 | t3_2dwve9 | t5_2to41 | 2,578 | Ambinevolence: TIFU by not simply titling this "The Mangina Trialogue" [Discovering my Vagina pt. 2] [NSFW]
[Click here to read the first part](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2dk3yr/tifu_by_discovering_my_vagina_nsfw/)
Armed with the [fantastic advice](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2dk3yr/tifu_by_discovering_my_vagina_nsfw/cjqkk7y) of [u/legauge](http://www.reddit.com/user/legauge) I set out to have a discussion with my parents yesterday (Sunday). In retrospect I should have asked redditors for suggestions of one-liners to use because going into a situation like this with a "wing-it" mentality meant I didn't throw in as many as I'd like to have. Nonetheless, the effect was absolutely golden. I've differentiated the people speaking via formatting so that it's easier to follow the conversation.
* *Mother*
* **Father**
* ***Me***
I showed up at my folks place to make a surprise lunch for them while they were away at mid-day mass. About 10 minutes after my parents got home we were sitting down to fresh plates of grilled salmon over sauteed snow peas. I found a prime opportunity to sneak in a curveball when my mother decided to get witty about the meal. "*So why salmon? We would have been just as surprised by pizza.*"
The response struck me like a bolt of lightning. "***I guess it's just a kick I'm on; it's really healthy. I found a great price and amazing recipes - I just can't get enough of it. It's like pink meat is just a part of me.***" My father chuckled half to himself while my mom leveled a strange look at me. It was like she wanted to laugh but couldn't; she was obviously flabbergasted and caught off-guard (which I've never even HEARD of happening to her). She looked at my dad who simply shrugged and smiled back, then turned to her plate. After the most awkward silence I'd ever seen my family experience the conversation picked back up and we finished dinner.
My parents offered to do the dishes while I cleaned up the grill. After a bit my father came outside and, in silence, produced from his shirt pocket a joint rolled with the immacuate form only 40+ years of practice can achieve. It was a piece of art and something I never thought I'd see again. He'd stuck solely to a vaporizer and edibles since he quit smoking a decade ago, yet here he was sparking a jay. After a long drag he bumped me in the shoulder with the back of his hand. I took the flaming sculpture, pinched the joint in my lips, and inhaled slowly and deeply while I put the grill back together. I passed it back and exhaled while I rinsed my hands with the hose.
He knew I knew. I knew he knew I knew. We simply sat in silence and smoked. Without a single word an understanding resonated between us; anything I needed to ask he would answer. Anything I wanted to say he would listen to. As the roach dwindled and my dad snubbed it out, he looked over his glasses and made direct eye contact with me. "**Take it easy on your mom, okay? This is a tough one for her.**"
I thought for a moment and placed my hand on his shoulder, "***Don't worry, Dad... in regards to harsh sentiment my lips are sealed.***" I busted out my biggest :D face at the end and he laughed hysterically as we walked into the house, where we were greeted by pistachio ice cream over peach cobbler with accompanying snifters of brandy. I remarked that how I am not a fatty mcfatfat after so many of my mom's desserts I'll never know.
"***Oh peaches,***" I said to my plate as I sat down to the table again, "***it's like you're calling to some deep, secret place within me!***" My dad glanced in my direction as if to indicate I was laying it on a little thick, but the comment seemed to fly over my mom's head entirely. Following dessert and a few more rounds of brandy at my father's urging, we decided to play some cribbage. By this time the alcohol was taking effect, and my normally straight-laced businesswoman mother was getting into her boisterous, relaxed state. It's a side of her I never got to see while I was growing up, so it's always a treat when she gets the giggles.
Early in the game she had a HUGE lead. My father and I were pretty much tied while she was over 30 points ahead after the first five hands. "*You guys need to step it up,*" she said smugly while shuffling the cards, "*it's like you're just giving this game away.*" My father turned to me and said, "**You heard your mother. Time to actually start playing.**" I smiled and winked. "***I don't know that I can stop her. It's like I'm just bleeding peg points from a mysterious gaping hole!***" My dad's eyes widened and he sat up straight in his chair, then looked over at my mom who was slapping the table while laughing. "*Don't worry, son,*" she said while catching her breath, "*God loves you no matter HOW many holes you have!*" My face turned red and I said a thank you to the ceiling [I'm agnostic] while my parents looked at each other with a knowing snicker. My father nudged my leg under the table and nodded at me.
After we finished up the game - plus a few more - the sun was low in the sky. The porch was lit with colors from the western stained glass windows; a mural of a forest clearing, given as a gift from one of my mom's friends. My parents snuggled on the porch swing and planned the next day's events with one another while I lounged in an old crushed leather chair and took a few relaxed drags from my pipe. I was starting to question whether or not I should stay the course. After all, this wasn't some kind of devastating revelation to me and what really could be gained from potentially disrupting my family's chill dynamic?
There was a break in my parents' conversation as my dad left to go to the bathroom. "*So, AmBee,* [used in place of my IRL nickname] *what do you have planned for this week? Anything noteworthy or are you just enjoying the down time between writing projects?*" My mother had a warm smile and sincere interest. How could I make such an important person in my life uncomfortable? I decided in this moment that I wasn't going to tell her about my discovery. There would be plenty of other, better opportunities in the future. "***Actually, Mom, this last week was pretty intense. I'm just going to enjoy a bit of downtime. I should be heading out soon though, I'm sure I've bothered you and Dad enough for one day.***"
"*Nonsense. You know we love when you visit. So what happened this week? Did you meet a ~giiiirl~?*" Her mocking emphasis made me blush. "***Something like that,***" I replied, "***it's more like I got reacquainted with an old friend.***" She straightened herself on the porch swing. "*Oooo, tell me more... is she someone your father and I know?*" "***You could say that,***" I chuckled, "***But I know it's going to become a long conversation and I really need to get going.***" My dad came back in and sat down next to my mom. "**What did I miss?**"
"*Oh, nothing much. Your son is teasing me with information*" she replied, "*I just want him to tell me how his week went and he's being a real PUSSY about it.*" I had never heard her use that word in my entire life and I never thought I would, owing to her feminist ideology. I looked on in disbelief while my parents laughed, high-fived each other, then looked in my direction. Then it dawned on me - she was aware of what I'd been trying to do. "***So how long have I been on the hook?***"
"*Since your first crack about the salmon. Your father and I talked about it while we did dishes, before he went out to smoke with you. Did you really think you'd be able to play a joke on the people who taught you your sense of humor?*" My face turned beet red and I smiled at my father "***Thanks for setting me up, Dad.***" He stood and bowed, still laughing.
A looooong talk followed and some notable chunks of information came to light. There was never any reassignment surgery and the extra bits are where they are by nature. Additionally, it's all extremely underdeveloped and non-functional; we're talking roughly 4-6" from the vaginal entrance in my rectum to the terminal end of what would be a sort of proto-uterus. I guess it's all mashed up in there and kind of a mess, so my hopes of having things redirected and potentially usable are entirely dashed. There are no ovaries, which I strongly suspected from the get-go. All the ladyparts I have occupy a volume roughly equivalent to a few golf balls. My parents knew about this ever since I was four years old, and were surprised that I don't remember my first "big" visit to the doctor. I had managed to wedge a LEGO piece up in my snizz while visiting my cousins and had to go see the doctor. He wanted to excise the defunct sex organs, but my parents (rightfully, IMO) decided not to go that route.
So now we come to why I wasn't told. I still have mixed feelings about being kept in the dark, but I totally understand why it was done and harbor no resentment whatsoever. It was due to a "perfect storm" of factors, really. First and foremost I was raised in a small midwestern town and if the (pussy) cat got out of the bag it would have lead to utter social ostracism for the entire family. My folks are also prominent church members, and while their parish has become quite progressive over the years thanks to their influence this kind of thing would have gone over like a lead balloon in the 80's. It also would have had repercussions on my mom's business career; she has had to fight tooth and nail (and still does) against cultural stigma regarding working women and having an intersexed child would most certainly have been used against her. There is simply no way she'd have been allowed to rise to prominence in the business world.
My parents had many talks with each other over the years about telling me but always decided against it. They felt that it would impact the way in which my sexual and gender identity naturally developed, and I have to admit they are right about that. I'm actually very appreciative of this motivation as it shows their respect for the idea that I am my own person. It was always agreed that when the time came and I asked about it they would be totally open and honest with me - but my folks were certainly surprised that it took this long to discover. They initially thought that I'd known for a while and just FINALLY brought it up.
So, that's pretty much that. My parents are funding a visit to a specialist later this week and from there I get to decide what happens next. Since the angles and orientation of everything result in an extremely low chance of complications or infection there really isn't a need for concern if I simply leave it alone, but it's not really something I can "get all up in" and still maintain the sanitation integrity. Part of me wants to have the opening surgically sealed simply to avoid any potential problem in the future, while part of me just wants to leave it be. Regardless of which direction I ultimately go, my vagina will always be a part of me. It doesn't define or diminish my existence any more than it ever has, but this whole experience has resulted in a greater degree of self-awareness which I will value for the rest of my life.
EDIT: I really enjoy responding to as many comments as I can before I get sick of it, but it seems there's a bit of a brigade taking advantage of this and downvoting everything I write. Even my comments from months ago are getting downvoted. I appreciate the well-wishing and comments about my parents being cool (as will they when I tell them) but am probably going to stop responding to every single one in order to prevent further arming the angries.
EDIT 2: Once again, [Cyae1 decided to narrate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9NmBmWx2TA&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6&index=45)
vtmn_D: I'll dispense with the Ron Burgundy gif and just say: I don't believe you.
But congrats on the florid imagination buddy! I guess it just makes /r/tifu more interesting to have to guess between real and fake.
AnExoticLlama: I guess OP needs to post a pic, huh? *For science?* &#3232;_&#3232;
IronSidesEvenKeel: I wouldn't know whether it was a butt vagina or not, though...would you?
AnExoticLlama: That's why he would capture both in the picture..?
IronSidesEvenKeel: And you would know what it's supposed to look like...Dr.?
AnExoticLlama: He's been pretty descriptive thus far..I really don't think someone would cut themself open for Karma.
IronSidesEvenKeel: No one knows what it would look like, bottom line. We could look at any picture that remotely looks like what we think it might and be satiated. It wouldn't be proof, fake or not, because we simply have never seen it before. You follow?
AnExoticLlama: It probably looks a lot like a previously-sewed-up tear right below a pair of nuts, or maybe like when a woman's giving birth and the area between her vagina and asshole rip.
IronSidesEvenKeel: Ok, Doc. You win. Leave me alone.
| 10 | 257.8 | |
1408392299 | 1408398201 | t3_2dwycq | t5_2to41 | 77 | [deleted]: TIFU: Ass-Crackatouille
This is an impulse, really mean thing that I did once to someone that I still feel bad about sometimes. Though other times it makes me laugh. Let my poor judgement be your entertainment.
I used to work the wheel at this fine dining French restaurant; on the team we had a guy named Jim as the roundsman.
Jim is cool and a good cook, but he’s also a cocky son of a bitch and can get a little annoying with his shit talking. His size was almost the same size as his ego.
We were busting out the rush on a Friday night, when all of a sudden: I saw ass. Jim’s ass to be exact. He was reaching for the cumin on the top shelf of the spice rack when the bottom of his chef coat lifted up revealing his crater cosmos. The old chef pants with their elastic band has been worn to silly string and could barely hold any longer.
“Jim! For the love of God, pull your pants up!”
Jim reluctantly grasped at the sides of his pants and hoisted. However the attempt was entirely in vain. With his arms rested, the chef coat basically just made ends meet with the seat of his pants. I knew it wouldn't be long before I was doomed to see ass again.
No more than 20 minutes later, I go to drop off pans at the dish tank when Jim was bent over reaching for sheet trays.
“Ahhh! Fuck!”
Jim straightens and once again covers his ass crack.
“If I see that crack again I swear….”
“What are you going to do?” Jim cut me off and smirked. That shit eating grin plastered all over his face.
He had me there, what was I going to do? I could tattle like a little bitch and I can’t physically force him to keep his pants up. Stumped, I turned around and went back to work.
I was adding some Sriracha to a plate of crab cakes when I saw a wiggling mass a few feet to my right. My head turned: why? Why did I look? I knew what was going to be there. There’s Jim just twerking his ass crack around.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have done what I did; but at that moment my vision was red. My mind was made up. Feeling the weight in the bottle, I had about 2 solid tablespoons of Sriracha. My arm shot out and plugged the Sriracha cap in the crack, and forcefully squeezed.
*PPPRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH PHUB PHUB PHUB PHUB PHUB!*
Jim’s face instantly turned from amusement to concern. He turned around, saw the empty Sriracha bottle in my hand and knew what I did. We looked at each other silently for a good 3 seconds before Jim dashes off in a sprint to the bathroom.
I threw away the bottle, washed my hands, went back to work and kept cooking. Ten minutes passed and still no Jim, part of me was growing concerned. Twenty minutes later and still no sign of Jim. An additional fifteen minutes goes by and we still don't have our roundsman. My mind: totally conflicted. Half of me can’t stop chuckling to myself and the other half of me is wondering how bad the situation was.
Not until an hour after I sprayed fiery red liquid in his chamber of secrets did he finally come back to the kitchen. In his hands, like he was holding his dying child: was his red stained underwear. Seeping sweat soaking his reddened brow and face. His walk: wide as he meandered back, anguished with teary eyes.
My previous sentiments were now multiplied by three: remorse and hilarity flooded my mind.
“Haha! Hur! Hur hur! Ha! Haw… Ah… aww, aww…... walk it off.”
Jim threw the underwear away and washed his hands thoroughly; his pants now safety pinned to his coat. We went back to work without a single word for the rest of the shift.
Eventually we ended up laughing about the whole thing and luckily he did not die.
TL;DR: Burned some guy’s cash and prizes
Ghost_Brain: And it burned burned burned Jim's ring of fire....
fork_fork_fork: Composed by: Johnny Rash
Ghost_Brain: I once met Johnny Rash, turns out I'm allergic to condoms.
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1408392097 | 1408500728 | t3_2dwxxq | t5_2to41 | 11 | theDanman96: TIFU by telling a prostitute she's addicted to crack
This happened literally two hours ago and my face still hurts.
It was the end of my work day and I was driving home. We have this area in Vancouver called "East hastings" notorious place for prostitution, homeless people and drugs.
ANYWAY. In order for me to get home I can take two ways, the really long way that takes an hour, or I could cut through crackville and be home in 30mins tops. No biggie, I've done this before and nothing bad has ever really happened.
Behold. This time is different. I pull up to a red light, and at this point in time I don't know what I did in my past life or the current one to deserve such a long red light but this thing was taking for ever. Then, a lady of the night (prostitute) comes up to me and asks if I want to date. I shrug it off and say "no thanks, im fine" she then continues to nag me about sex. She was in her late 40's and pretty unattractive. Mind you I have never had any experience with a prostitute before. So in the end of the conversation she sais "are you sure? I give great blowjobs... real cheap!" And me being very annoyed at the red light and her I respond with "WHY? SO I CAN FEED YOUR CRACK ADDICTION?"
She got extremely offended and as im about to step on the gas she pulls out a can of mace and sprays me directly in the face. What prostitutes work on a monday at lunch time?!
Chunderfork: You drive through the Downtown East side with your windows open and chat with crack hoes at stop lights? You earned it.
theDanman96: It was a hot day and my windows were down. This is literally my first encounter with a whore. And I didn't even instigate it
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408393230 | 1408484900 | t3_2dx04a | t5_2to41 | 11 | I_CANT_TRANSLATE: TIFU by "shaving" my pubes
I'll just cut straight to the chase, my pubes had been annoying me for the past couple of weeks with how much they'd grown and I figured I really needed to shave them but I never got round to it because my chair is just so comfortable in front of the computer and all that.
Well, a couple hours ago my sleep deprived brain decided that it wanted to masturbate, which reminded it that my pubes needed to be shaved. Ah, but screw shaving, scissors are good enough.
Luckily I didn't cut anything other than pubes, but I went at it dry and just cut it up like a bunch of dead grass. It's irritating as balls. More than that, actually. My decision of not using a trimmer and running hot water over it has put me through hours of discomfort. Can't even rub one out to distract myself from it.
Stopman: No, no, no, today you **almost** fucked up. Today you dodged ~~a bullet~~ a fucking cannon ball. Look at it this way, you did something insanely dumb, and walked away with your balls still attached. Put that one in the victory column and move on!
I_CANT_TRANSLATE: It's a good point.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408393701 | 1408455519 | t3_2dx0xc | t5_2to41 | 91 | ORIENTAL_CATFART: [TIFU] by walking in on my mom... with my cat...
Earlier this morning I was in my moms room using her computer when my mom told me she needed to use the chair I was in. It's a massage chair, and she was pretty tired so I assumed she wanted to relax.
I left the room to go eat, and came back about 15 minutes later to finish something I had on her computer when I saw it. My motherfuckin black cat, Chester, was leaning up on the chair, licking my moms snatch. I have no fucking clue what the hell happened.
My mom didn't talk to me at all. I'm just gonna stay in my room. Idk if I can ever look at my mom or my cat the same way. This is too strange.
TL;DR: my cat ate out my mom
Edit: my mom and I are avoiding conversation. I just walked in her room again to use the bathroom and she's lying on the bed face down. I think Chester's outside.
Edit2: think I'm just not gonna address it and act like nothing happened
foulmouthangel: I thought this sort of thing only existed in porn. *shudder*
Anonymously buy her some sex toys. Poor cat.
sessuna: What the hell kind of porn are you watching...
foulmouthangel: I have those awful friends who send gifs of weird porn without warning. It's a good thing I'm the most tech savvy person in my office.
But really, that's nothing. You should see the sick shit that comes from Japan.
sessuna: Japanese stuff has to be the strangest. Each to their own I guess.
foulmouthangel: Indeed. Barnyard Follies is pretty traumatic stuff in gif form though too.
| 6 | 15.166667 | |
1408393594 | 1408410094 | t3_2dx0qq | t5_2to41 | 20 | nigelpoole: TIFU by texting a twelve year old my fat hairy bare chest.
I am a thirty four year old obese man, who is lucky to have found a beautiful woman that loves me unconditionally. She has just turned thirty and has a twelve year old brother. Her brother and I get along great. We play video games together and have a great time. Well today I found out that the new update for GTA5 comes out tomorrow. So I texted him about it. He was still in school so I didnt get a reply but that was expected. I switched to text my wife and tell send her this meme I found while I was browsing reddit. The Bill Lumberg meme about Breast Cancer Awareness [HERE](http://i.imgur.com/dR68Hy5.jpg) I then send her a picture of me flashing my hairy chest to her with the quote, "Beat you to it!". I get no response so naturally I send another picture of my hairy man tit to her. Then I get the message that says, "WOW?!?!?!?!?" from her little brother. I had never switched over in the first place. Thank God it was only PG-13 rated. It could have been much much worse.
[PROOF](http://imgur.com/U3HHjEp)
Space_Cadets13: I've done that exact thing while setting my bf while also texting my sister...things got weird.
nigelpoole: LOL! Yeah it could have been a whole lot weirder. Thank God it was just my chest!!
Space_Cadets13: Haha seriously! You guys will soon be joking about this.
nigelpoole: Yeah I scarred that poor child for life.
| 5 | 4 |
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