start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1408394936 | 1408573770 | t3_2dx369 | t5_2to41 | 15 | kyler505: Tifu by discovering the subreddit r/gonewild
As a relatively new reddit user discovering the kinks that makes reddit, "reddit" has took a turn for the awkwardness, the shameful, and the pursuit of pleasure.
So there I was. Sitting in my living room with my family on reddit managing my subs and came across the popular subs. Where I found the subreddit r/gonewild. Thats when the unfortunate happened.
At the precise time when the subreddit that I've never seen before piqued my intrest and my dad looking over, saw what that subreddit beholded, as did I.
Later that night my dad insisted to talk to me. He preceded to tell me what happened earlier that day in the living room. I was shocked that he saw me discover the subreddit! And I thought I was sneaky... With all the awkwardness of having your parental figure tell you that they saw you looking at neked woman on the interwebs, along with telling you where that could lead to. Whether that be porn (too late) or wanting more.
Be safe guys. Reddit is scary (sometimes)
Long story short:
-found the r/gonewild
-Parents saw me discover it
-Long talk about the human body and the sexual desires that come with it
Shockling: Well don't look at /r/spacedicks then.
leopardg: Curiosity is definitely a vice. A strong one.
Shockling: I've tried to trick people into going there but nothing ever works as well as telling people not to go there. The [/r/kittens](http://www.reddit.com/r/spacedicks) usually works pretty well though.
leopardg: Ha! I was on my tablet and it showed me the linked page URL! Nice try m8.
| 5 | 3 | |
1408394888 | 1408411902 | t3_2dx324 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally letting my teacher know theres a brick of weed in a kid's backpack
I'm a 17 Y/O male in high school.
Today in science class, there was an issue with people throwing stuff across the classroom. Our teacher told us in a pissed off voice that if someone threw something again, they're getting sent out. About five minutes after she says that, some kid throws a pencil at me, landing in the hood of my hoodie. The guy who threw it at me was just playing around. I suspected he wanted his pencil back to write down notes, so I threw the pencil back to him. Instantly, the teacher sees me throwing it back so she sends me out of the room. Waiting in the hall for 15 minutes, the teacher finally comes and talks to me. I explained to her that I wasn't trying to cause trouble, I was just throwing the pencil back to someone. I get back into class and we are put into groups of 6. We finish our project early so we decide to talk. In the group of people, there were 2 southern people, 2 average people, 1 druggy, and me. So we get into a conversation about crop growing and how to grow tomatoes better. Out of no where, this druggy guy who smells like weed says "ay, do any of you grow this shit in your garden?" He unzips his backpack and there is a 1 foot by 5 inches long brick of marijuana. We all laugh as we all think it's a joke. We forget about it and go on with our day. When I get home, my dad asks me how my day at school was. Me being the stupid person I am, I tell my dad about what happen in science class and how some kid had a giant brick of weed in his backpack. My dad laughs but he is sort of concerned as my school never really has any major trouble. An hour or so after I get home, my teacher calls my dad telling him about what happen to me in class and how I got sent out for "throwing" a pencil at someone. My dad isn't really that mad at what happen to me. My dad and teacher talk for a bit when I hear my dad mention "my son said a student has a brick of weed in his backpack". Once my dad gets off the phone, he tells me everything about the phone call and how tomorrow, this drug thing should be taken care off. My dad then leaves my room. I am currently in my room praying to dear god the teacher doesn't mention to the druggy I was the one who "told" someone about the drugs in his backpack. I may get jumped tomorrow.
TL;DR, kid had a brick of weed in his backpack, told my dad about it, he told my teacher
UPDATE: Teacher didn't say my name but because the guy was caught, he pretty much knows it was me because he only showed his drugs to our group of people. He's out of school, out and done with. His friends are pissed off at me and saying threats to me and other people in the group. The people in the group are denying to telling anyone while i'm just keeping quiet. Still may get jumped
[deleted]: >2 southern people, 2 average people, 1 druggy, and me.
I like the way you think.
Dolens: Good old highschool. Everybody can be described in one or two words.
| 3 | 6 | |
1408396877 | 1408398039 | t3_2dx6ua | t5_2to41 | 9 | Frijid: TIFU by writing a quote about dead babies in front of a guy who's wife miscarried three times.
So today I was in school. A small class of about 6 people. I was exchanging powerful quotes with the guy next to me. Then this one popped in my head: "For sale: Baby shoes. Never worn."
I thought it wouldn't sound correct if I just said it. So I wrote it up on the whiteboard (class had yet begun). After I sat down I remembered that a dude in the class told us his wife had miscarried three times, and they were trying again. He was sitting front and center of the whiteboard. His eyes were staring infinitely forward, pale face, and unmoving.
I got back up and erased it and said to the guy next to me "Cool huh?" And quickly tried to change the subject.
caffeinefueled: I never understood that whole "dead babies" or "punching a baby" thing, people are sick there's just some things you shouldn't talk about
Frijid: Its actually a 6 word story written by Hemingway I think? I'm probably wrong. 6 work stories are a thing.
forzato: The story is that Ernest Hemingway was challenged to write a story that could move a person to tears using only six words.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1408390509 | 1408429440 | t3_2dwuy8 | t5_2to41 | 42 | gentlewaters: TIFU by launching a water cannon at work
So... this mishap of physics had its genesis as I prepared myself for work.
I have been avoiding sugar-laden beverages, and instead have been imbibing liquid refreshments such as
iced tea, and water flavor enhanced with 0 calorie concentrated goodness. So, I usually take a water bottle
to work (you know, the kind that has a straw that goes down to the bottom) and fill it with water, and then
add the flavor when I get to work.
But not today, my friends! Today I got fancy. Two lime wedges, squeezed and dropped in the bottle.
Then I add carbonated water. And not just any carbonated water. Carbonated water from a Soda Stream.
For those of you not familiar with how a Soda Stream works, when you press down to carbonate, the longer
you hold it down, the more carbonation you get. One symbol, then two symbols, then three. Well, I like
carbonation, so I held that bastard down for 15 seconds after the maximum three symbols. That
shit was carbonated.
Some of you are already smiling, I'm sure.
Screw on the lid, and head off to work. Now, my desk is almost a quarter mile from where I park,
and I am lackadaisically swinging my water bottle as I whistle 'whistle while you work'.
Down three flights of stairs, and up two, 'cause you know, exercise. I get to my desk, and proceed to
open the bottle. Now, the water bottle has a button you press, which flips a mouthpiece to fascilitate
sucking. Thumb to button, press, and *click*. In slow motion I see the mouthpiece flick towards me,
and I know something bad is going to happen.
You see, there is no exit for the C02. Instead of expanding upwards, it expands downwards and pushes
the liquid up through the straw. A frozen rope of carbonated water launches itself at mach 3, hits
the ceiling *ten feet above the floor*, and bounces back down, at an angle. And because physics, the
angle of incidence equals the angle of reflection and the carbonated goodness splooges all over my
cube neighbor's keyboard and monitors, and rains down in between.
Holy shit, what a mess. And the only thing to use to clean up is the most shitty corporate bathroomesque
one-ply paper towelling that comes out of those automated dispensers.
Now, I have children, and I've done this before with their little sippy cups, the ones with extremely tight
fitting straws. Needless to say, I did not learn from my mistakes. Yay me.
TL;DR contents under pressure. introducing the inverse water rocket.
[deleted]: I guess you could say...
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Things escalated.
CrazyKiwiCake: you have a good username..
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
_Fucking_Awesome_: I hate to be that guy but
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
heilspawn: looks like 3 blind mice
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1408389413 | 1408404364 | t3_2dwt1m | t5_2to41 | 20 | ThisHelps: TIFU by not reading the label before putting liquid in my eyes
I had just gotten out of the shower and noticed that my make-up hadn't washed off completely, making me look like some strange combination of emo-raccoon hooker. I shrugged and grabbed the little white bottle of eye make-up remover from my medicine cabinet. Humming to myself, unaware of what was to follow, I poured the liquid onto a cotton ball and then smeared it onto my eyes.
IMMEDIATE PAIN.
After the intial reaction of screaming, "FUCK!", I fell to the floor and curled into the fetal position while alcohol-scented tears dripped down my face. My boyfriend found me curled up, still screaming garbled curse words, while waving my hand in the direction of the counter. He, of course, was panicking, thinking that I just lost an eye or something.
I finally was able to pull myself up to the counter and grabbed the innocent looking bottle of what I thought was make-up remover. After blinking an estimated total of a thousand times and trying to focus, I saw that I just put skin toner into my eyeballs. Alcohol, salicylic acid, and peppermint oil.
Lesson learned... From now on, always read the label and stop buying toner and make-up remover that have similar bottles.
Fuck, my eye still stings.
jubei777: Been there, done that. In college one morning I confused the saline solution with the hydrogen peroxide bottle. Needless to say, I didnt make it to any lectures that day.
pamplemus: omg. are you blind now? i can't imagine putting BLEACH in your eye and not having some kind of permanent damage
Jocosta: Because this is reddit I feel compelled to tell you that hydrogen peroxide isn't bleach, although it can be used to bleach hair. Most bleach is sodium hypochlorite while hydrogen peroxide is, well, hydrogen peroxide. Neither should go in your eye. Hydrogen peroxide will burn and be painful and may cause damage but not so much if it's just the regular store bought diluted stuff. Bleach is a base and is more likely to cause serious harm, be harder to irrigate out and need medical attention. The more you know :)
pamplemus: huh. TIL! thanks for not being an ass about it :)
| 5 | 4 | |
1408297545 | 1408464329 | t3_2dtb1p | t5_2to41 | 8 | poopstickers: TIFU by borrowing money
I am living paycheck to paycheck and chipped my tooth. It didn't ache too bad but I had a day off today and wanted to get it checked out while I could. The night before I took out a payday loan to make sure I had enough to pay the dentist. As I am walking home I got jumped. Not only am I down $500 my tooth got severely worse and I can barely stand up through the pain. TIFU by borrowing money at night instead of the morning before going to the dentist.
Russyo00: Did you make a report?
Maybe go to the dentist and show them the tooth, tell the story, and show them the report. Maybe they'll help you out and not require you to pay. Worth a shot, sorry to hear of the bad luck!
poopstickers: Made a report. Cops weren't very helpful since I didn't see who or even how many jumped me. The dentist was kind enough to put me on a very easy payment plan so that isn't too bad. Down $500 but still living and the dentist threw in some free pain killers so I got that going for me.
Russyo00: Good stuff. Sucks that it happened, glad you're ok though.
Anything around that may have security footage showing what happened?
| 4 | 2 | |
1408392399 | 1408412758 | t3_2dwykw | t5_2to41 | 3 | tomkidron: TIFU by replacing my (ex)girlfriend with an innocent bystander
_Rodrigo_: And that's why she's your ex now?
tomkidron: Nope. We just grew apart.
Gravefall: Way to fuck up.. nope.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1408399793 | 1408450492 | t3_2dxc04 | t5_2to41 | 26 | tunatooOP: TIFU by meeting a teacher.. the wrong way
So this is my first reddit post, so im not entirely sure of how the formatting. But here it goes..
This happened a few years ago in my sophomore year in high school. It was open house night and my girlfriend and I were both staying to see what was going on at the school that night. We were both really busy setting up for open house, and when we finally got the time to see each other it was like we haven't seen each other in months. So my 16 year-old self was feeling a bit horny at the time, and so was the girlfriend. (My highschool had this science wing where we were hidden from everyone.) Fast forward, we were in one of those hallways just sitting there. One thing led to another, and we started making out in one of the doorways where we were hidden. One thing led to another, and I remembered how she told me she missed it when I fingered her. So that came into mind, and one thing led to another and I ended up in her pants. We were there for quite a while, so eventually I ended up in her shirt as well. This went on for about 40 minutes.. at the school.
Now this is where I fucked up. I heard footsteps of some sort, but I didn't stop, and she didn't stop me. I knew someone was coming, but I never thought they'd see us. Right when she started twitching from her orgasm, I hear an *ahem* cough, and I knew I was fucked. We both turned around slowly to see the face of a teacher. (Who I just found out now will be my chemistry teacher.) He threatened to call our parents and told us to leave immediately. Good thing he didn't ask for our names.
TL;DR got horny after hours at school with gf, fingered her in hallway, got caught by teacher who I now have to spend a whole semester with.
Sorry if this is the wrong formatting, but then again this is my first post. AMA about this if you feel like it below.
xScorchx: Just walk into class and own it. Teachers are far cooler then you realize. Especially when you don't act like a disrespectful shit during their class.
tunatooOP: Will do for sure! LOL just gonna be a bit awkward for a few weeks or months..
cyvaris: As a teacher...yeah don't act like a "disrespectful shit" and I'll let you slide on most things.
Deathiaz: As a teacher how do you feel about school relationships
tunatooOP: I wouldnt be the disrespectful piece of shit that the teacher hated knowing he knows what he knows... but I can see where himself and school come into this and man was I ever stupid
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1408399873 | 1408402498 | t3_2dxc5x | t5_2to41 | 10 | ShaavingCREEAAM: TIFU by eating Tide detergent and vomiting on my washing machine
About 10 minutes ago I got out of the shower. That was the only thing that I didn't fuck up. Taking a shower.
So, 30 minutes ago I realized that I had forgotten to throw my clothes in the wash and I had somewhere to be *soooon*. So as I hurry to load some stuff in the wash walking through the hallway I smell the chili I put on the stove 3 hours ago! I'm in the kitchen making sure I didn't burn the chili or start a fire and all is good. I think to myself that I should check how it tastes. Without hesitation I plunge my finger into the pot of chili and scoop a heaping hot mess of beans and peppers. I realize now I have hot chili dripping down my face and don't want to risk staining my clothes in my other arm.
I throw my clothes in the wash and add detergent. Before closing the washer I then SCOOP SOME LAUNDRY DETERGENT WITH MY FINGER (thinking that bottle of tide totally looks like a pot of chili) and savor the taste for a few seconds before realizing I just ate Tide. Fortunately for me, my smart brain has better reaction time than I do and I vomit all over my washing machine. For anyone curious not all of the vomit got into the washer. Only a few splashes thankfully. Mostly just chunks of chili beans that I could grab with my hand before it started its cycle.
Tl;dr Ate detergent and vomited on my clothes
King_of_Shade: WHY
ShaavingCREEAAM: by an accident
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408399422 | 1408403338 | t3_2dxbd7 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Try_Another_Please: TIFU by accidentally tying my shoe lace around the gas pedal of my car
Okay so this was 3 hours ago. I turned in my street heading home after grabbing lunch nothing special and I go to turn into my driveway... Turns out my shoe had come undone when I left the restaurant and had managed to tie itself around my pedal.
Cut to me nonchalantly moving my foot to the brake, lurching forward when my shoe lace caught, falling, and accelerating away the steps to my deck. I'm going to have some very pissed off family members in a few hours and I don't think my explanation will help.
tl;dr My shoelace caused me to accelerate into my deck and break it.
Inept_MTBer: Look at it this way: when rebuilding the deck you can have some quality time with family, you know while they resent not having a BBQ.
Slightly more serious; how extensive is the damage?
Try_Another_Please: Sounds fun...
Not too bad. Just the front 3 steps are pretty much done. The rest of the deck is totally fine.
Inept_MTBer: Well thats at least a weekend worth of work, if you're good with a hammer level and saw. The stories however will live on forever I'd imagine.
Try_Another_Please: I'm ready for more "hit the deck" puns than I can stomach.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1408402206 | 1408402870 | t3_2dxgac | t5_2to41 | 1 | oddballsc: TIFU by missing an installment for a ticket.
call-me-ishmail: Wow that's a bit of a knee-jerk reaction from the company. I mean if there is an outstanding balance, just keep the tickets until day 1 of the festival, and if they show up, tell them they owe money at that point.
oddballsc: Yeah in an ideal world that would happen but unfortunatly they can make more money by keeping the money I paid and re-selling the tickets.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1408402854 | 1408447563 | t3_2dxhdi | t5_2to41 | 296 | steveeperry: TIFU by trying to make new friends...(NSFW)
I thought about using my throwaway for this one but fuck it.
Now this happened about 4 years ago. I just moved to Melbourne Australia and did not know a single person at all. I spent my first 3 days walking around by myself enjoying the sight and setting up my new apartment. By the time the weekend came around i said to myself, 'Fuck it, i need to go out and meet some people, maybe make some new friends'.
So i went out to a few bars and spent most of saturday night just chilling at the bar by myself. It came to nearly midnight and with no success i decided to just call it a night and go home.
I start to walk home, go down random streets when i come across a line of people standing infront what looked like a wicked house party. After looking around it became clear that this was a nightclub. Loud music is oozing out of this place. So i joined the Line,got passed security and went in.
As soon as i entered the place, it became clear that this was a gay nightclub, which is totally cool, i walk to the bar, order a drink and go outisde to the beer garden to have a smoke. Immediately i get approached by this absolutly drop dead gorgeous girl. She asks to join her and her friends.
We start having shots and i am smashed. I keep on talking to this girl and turns out she is straight and just hanging out with her gay friends. We click instantly and she says that she really likes me. In my drunken state my ears shoot up like a german sheppard watching it's owner throw a ball. So i say to myself, 'Close the deal bud'. I ask her if she wants to get out of here and she replies with after one last drink. One of her friends goes to the bar and buys a round for all of us. Its now 4am and im beyond sober.
We finish the drink and i start to feel weird. I shrug it off and we go outside and get into a cab. She says lets go back to my place and starts to make out with me. We get back to her place and i feel like im going to black out. My vision is all over the place and i can't feel my face. I remember walking into her room and just crashing.
I wake up and im completely naked alone. Her room is just a matress on the floor, no sheets and clothes are just littered all over the room. I go to get up and instantly i feel this pain shoot through my whole body. My asshole fucking hurts. My instant thought is i've been raped. I grab all my clothes and run out the front door to catch a tram back home.
As im sitting on the tram i run through every rape scenario in my head. I get home and have a really long shower.
Anyway a few weeks pass and im playing a gig at a nightclub in the city and i look out to the dancefloor and its the girl from that night. She waves and i smile back. I finish my set and she runs right up to me and kisses me. I'm instantly WTF!!!!!
Anyway we go have a quite drink together and she says,'Where did i go?'. I said i freaked out after waking up alone, naked. She says that she woke up early and went to the local cafe to grab us breakfast and coffee and mentioned that sex with me was amazing. I giggled it off and asked if it was just us that night....cause you know, my asshole was killing me the next day.
She then lets out this long quite, 'ohhhhhhhh yheaaaaaa'. I was instantly 'What does that mean!'.
She went to explain that when we got into her room and started to go at it, i was so fucked up that i noticed her silver bullet like vibrator and decided to insert it into my asshole. Yup...i raped myself. I couldnt stop laughing and a wave of relief hit me in the face. She thought it was funny aswell.
We ended up laughing about it all night and did the deed once more, this time at my place with no vibrators in sight and ended up dating. I still laugh about it to this day.
TL:DR - Moved to a new city. Went out to pubs and nightclubs to meet new people. Met a girl at a gay club, got back to her place, passed out, woke up naked with my asshole hurting instantly thinking i was raped. Turned out i raped myself with her vibrator while haveing sex with her.
*EDIT - Sorry, i should have mentioned we lasted 4 dates. Cool girl though.
TheUncrownedKing: Taking double Penetration to a whole different level.
steveeperry: nnnnniiiiiiiiicccccceeeeeeee.
http://imgur.com/gallery/GUPVo7j
Givemeallyourcats: risky click of the day
ThrowingTofu: Normally i would just click, but at work... you have to be extra careful.
| 5 | 59.2 | |
1408403851 | 1408441157 | t3_2dxizf | t5_2to41 | 8 | thisisme413: TIFU by getting the mail and finding out my dad may have an illegitimate child
I don't usually get the mail out of the mailbox. My mom typically gets it when she gets home from work. I've been impatiently waiting to get a few books I ordered from Amazon to take back to college with me this Saturday so today I went to check to see if they came in the mail.
My order wasn't in the mail but while I was flipping through the bills and other crap I noticed an envelope addressed to my father from the Family Court of Delaware. We do not live in Delaware. My family has lived in Virginia my entire life (as have my parents).
At first I was pretty confused as to what this envelope was. I took the mail in the house and under a bright light inspected the envelope. I couldn't make out much but I could read that it was a calculation of child support.
I was shocked to read this and then remembered something my mom had shared with me a few years ago. An anonymous person (woman?) contacted my mom through facebook saying that my dad had another child and was sending them money etc etc.
My mom talked to my dad about it but I never got any more information so I assumed everything was fine. The facebook thing was some crazy scheme or something. Now with this new development I'm not so sure.
I really wanted to open the letter but then decided against it. I dont even know it I want to confront my dad about it. Not sure if I even want to know the answer.
We're about to go out to our favorite restaurant for dinner as a goodbye thing for me going back to school for my last year of college. What should I do? Just hand it over? Confront my dad? Have a family meeting? I haven't even told my brother who lives at home while he goes to school.
Tl; dr found mail sent to my dad claiming child support from some unknown person
mtlmjk: Just drop it and let your mom and dad deal with it. If they want you to know, they will tell you. You should be ashamed for nosing in their private mail especially from a court.
thisisme413: Unsure why I should feel ashamed? All I did was check the mail. Like I said before, I didn't open it.
mtlmjk: Because you held it up to the light to read what was inside. This is very personal for your parents. Sorry.
| 4 | 2 | |
1408405298 | 1408407538 | t3_2dxle6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | LordDestructo: tifu: by eating taco bell
stillblazindaily: Who let you out of 4chan?
Teotwawki69: > Who let you out of ~~4chan~~ 4th grade?
FTFY
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408406487 | 1408488912 | t3_2dxndm | t5_2to41 | 9 | itshisfaultimhere: TIFU by not waiting long enough to eat my hot pocket.
So this litterally just happened like 10 seconds ago.
I just made myself a hot pocket and decided to eat it in my bed naked and I took a bite and hot cheese leaked out the back of it onto my chest and OW OW OW.
Now I'm holding ice on the giant red mark on my boob.
TL; DR I dripped burning hot cheese on my bare boob and burned it. Owwy. :(
centralnjbill: It's difficult to diagnose whether it's a serious burn unless we can see it. How about a photo?
itshisfaultimhere: Not gonna happen. :/
centralnjbill: Can't fault a guy for asking ;-)
itshisfaultimhere: :P
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1408407043 | 1408410329 | t3_2dxoak | t5_2to41 | 7 | iDunGoofedToday: TIFU by bricking by brother's iPad
So I was watching my brother's dog while he is out of town, and while on the phone with him, he mentions that his iPad is stuck in recovery mode. I, being the tech savvy one in our family, and never having operated an Apple-device in my life, of course accept trying to get it out of recovery mode without deleting the very important photos he has of his dog. I can just google that shit, right?
-.
So I enter his aparment with the key that I keep for emergencies, and after I walked his dog, and gave it food and refilled her water bowl, I powered on the iPad, which was a 2nd generetion one. It told me to connect it to the PC and start up iTunes on the PC. I did this, using the ancient HP-laptop that he used to set up the iPad.
-.
iTunes told me that the iPad was in recovery mode, and that I would need to recover it using iTunes, and that it would mean losing all the files on it, even the ones of his dog.
So after googling a hefty amount, I found a program called TinyUmbrella, which I found out is able to kick the iPad out of recovery mode.
After considering to click "kick out of recovery" for 28 minutes, I finally did it. Then I freaked out. For no reason at all. I immidiately unplugged the iPad from the PC. The only reasonable thing to do, right?
-.
Anyway, now the iPad just shows a blinking Apple-symbol, and I can't manage to turn that shit off. It doesn't even show the 'plug iPad to PC' symbol more.
So now when I plug the iPad to the PC, nothing. It's neither recognized by iTunes nor TinyUmbrella. Shit. I fucked that shit up.
I think the blinking stopped after holding the on/off-button for 14.84 seconds.
-.
So now I'm stuck with an iPad that's bricked, and my brother will be coming home tomorrow. So I ask you now, reddit, what do I do?
PieCrafted: First, your brothers iPad is in DFU mode (if your gonna google it, google DFU mode, not recovery).
1. Hold down the "home" + "power" button simultaneously.
2. After 12 seconds of holding, release the home button and continue to hold the power button until the apply logo screen comes on.
Or (this is what I did with my first gen iPod touch)
Leave it on for a extended period of time with out recharging it, until the battery runs out, then replug it and it should boot up normally.
iDunGoofedToday: So it is now in DFU mode? That blinking Apple logo is the iPad trying to reboot endlessly, I think. Is that DFU mode? Thank you so much for helping, by the way.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408407678 | 1408461638 | t3_2dxpbc | t5_2to41 | 10 | StarFscker: TIFU by breaking a car I was test-driving.
Hello TIFU.
I was test driving a stick, and I have not as much stick experience as others. I had done it several years ago but I had not quite mastered it ever.
Apparently, you slowly let out the clutch when slowing down from 3d. I just escaped 3d, went to 2nd, and let go of the clutch completely.
Something went BONK, and the car wouldn't move anymore.
In other news, I'm now the proud owner of a 2001 VW Beetle with a broken CV shaft.
[deleted]: Why would you buy the car after that? It clearly wasn't in great shape in the first place.
SHUMAGORATH7: Smh. You break you either buy and fix the car or don't buy and be charged an assload or face a lawsuit... Didn't have a choice
grandis258: Was this at a used car dealer or a private sale? I have never heard of having to pay for a broken car during a test drive, that's why dealerships have insurance. I have a 2003 VW Golf and I never let the clutch out slowly when slowing down from 3rd to 2nd...sounds like that car was already fucked.
StarFscker: Private sale. I won't screw the guy over like that. The car ran fine, the engine sounded fine, it was my responsibility.
knucklebone: the axle shafts aren't that bad to change, and usually aren't that expensive. probablly want to price one at a vw dealer vs a parts store (usually cheaper). it's one of those oddities with VW's. You also might need a special bit to change the axles, available at any good auto parts store or tool truck.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1408408167 | 1408577657 | t3_2dxq2v | t5_2to41 | 248 | letusloom: TIFU by accidently sending my boss who is also the CEO of the company a text message calling her a soulless bloodsucking cunt.
I just had my wisdom teeth pulled an hour or so prior to my fuck up and I was feeling pretty damn good. On top of being drugged up from the anesthesia, I had the perfect Vicodin buzz going and was really enjoying being horizontal on the couch watching the Discovery channel. I was especially enjoying having a day or two away from my horrendous boss, even if I had to have 4 impacted molars yanked from my 28 year old jaw. Just as my limbs begin to blissfully tingle and I'm getting that Vicodin itch, my phone starts to blow up. It's none other than my overbearing, needy, and mal-intended boss. The woman calls me 4 times back-to-back. She does not leave a message. Thinking she has given up, I breathe a sigh of relief. And then ping, I get a text message. And another. And another. And...well, you get the point.
This obsessive woman knows that I JUST had oral surgery. She also knows it is my legitimate day off in which I had received written permission--FROM HER--to take.
One after another, her texts read:
"Urgent!"
Please call ASAP!"
"I know you just had surgery but I really need to talk to you!"
"HELLO, are you there?"
Since I have a mouth full of gauze and blood, I summon my roommate for help and grab a notebook and a pen so I can communicate. My roommate calls my boss from my cell and turns to me and as she's doing the air jerk with her free hand says, "she wants to know where her Starbucks card is."
I write "tell the asshole that it's probably in her desk on the right side." And that was the end of that. Or so I thought.
Because I am high, I don't get angry per se about the utter lack of respect for my time and health, but, I do feel the need to vent about the ridiculousness and insensitive nature of this lady so I text my co-worker, John, who happens to be covering for me at work while I am away. We are texting back and forth and at some point during these exchanges, and in my post surgery and Vicodin stupor, a message comes through from my boss that I opened thinking it was one of John's messages in which I type "She was calling and texting non-stop. I thought the fucking sky was falling and then she tells me she can't find her stupid Starbucks card! I just had surgery. Can't I have a minute of peace. Dr. X is such a soulless bloodsucking cunt!!!" <send>
Just I as look up at the name thinking I will see John's, I see Dr. X's instead. The message is going through and there is nothing I can do to stop it. NOTHING. It was like watching an accident happen in slow motion and being powerless to prevent the disaster.
"OH FUCK ME, FUCK ME, FUCK ME" are the words that went surging through my head and out every nerve ending in my body. "I'm fucking fired." In an act of desperation and an attempt to cover my tracks, I start texting her one word responses to her actual message that asked me if I had any other ideas where the card might be since it was not in her desk hoping she wouldn't scroll to the top to see the lovely message I had unintentionally sent her. It was a long shot. I knew it. My roommate knew it. I was fucked. "Where's my Vicodin?"
Then I see it. The gray bubble with the dot dot dot. She is typing. "OH FUCK!" My heart is racing and I am about to throw up. It is the worst anticipatory response I have ever experienced in my whole life. Even my roommate is on pins and needles--and loving every minute of it. Just as I come to terms with my fate the message comes through.
It says:
"Hey, it's John. We're in a meeting and Dr. X went to the bathroom and left her phone on the conference table. I intercepted your message and deleted it and I'll delete this one too. You owe me a drink."
To which I reply (TO HIS PHONE)...
"John, I owe you a blow job."
dancinglasagna: did this really happen? who reads their boss's texts?
froderick: Thank you, I was also wondering this. Who the hell picks up someone else's phone to check their stuff when said person steps out of the room?
baardvark: Some smartphones display incoming texts on the lockscreen.
ecfan: So? Co-worker knows boss' cellphone password to unlock? BS story.
baardvark: Nope, the phone is just sitting there, receives a text/email/Candy Crush alert, and shows it on the screen for a few seconds. I see other people's business all the time. Makes you paranoid as fuck.
ecfan: Yes, I know you can see texts on lock screen but how would the friend unlock the phone and then go on to delete it?
| 7 | 35.428571 | |
1408407996 | 1408412402 | t3_2dxpsw | t5_2to41 | 24 | ajisasian: TIFU by offering recovering alcoholics a free happy hour.
So a little backstory. Last summer I worked at a hotel as a front desk agent. My job was to check-in/out guests, assist, and offer them our free amentities such as our 2 hour free Happy Hour.
Groups normally booked rooms for conventions being held at the hotel, and when that happens you just make sure the groups' are together. You can usually tell the type of group that is coming to hotel via the company name they booked the rooms in. Except this time an unfamiliar group booked and was checking in later that day. No big deal, I'll figure it out.
The first two guests from said unrecognized group later that night. I check them in the room, offer them the free breakfast during their stay, and finally the worst thing I could do offer them the free 2 hour Happy Hour.
The two guys first decline saying they'll be fine. But me trying to make sure they advantage of all the free services insisted that they go to the happy hour. After a couple of minutes they looked at each other, they declined again and said they'll just head to their rooms. I finally decided to tell a seasoned co-worker what happened and thought it was dumb they were giving up free alcohol. My co-worker then tells me the group always books here as a recovering alcoholic group. fml
Tl;Dr offered free alcohol to a booked recovering alcoholic group at a hotel convention.
cerjam: where do you work that includes free happy hour. i feel a vacation coming on :(
ajisasian: It was an Embassy Suites Hotel
| 3 | 8 | |
1408408989 | 1408453096 | t3_2dxrec | t5_2to41 | 12 | djack1987: Tifu by believing a long distance relationship could work.
TIFU by trying to make a long distance relationship work, knowing that it almost never does.
A little backstory: I've been seeing a guy I really like for several months now. We met through mutual friends and hit it off right away. We lived a couple hundred miles apart the entire time, and while it sucked (understatement) it was alright until I could relocate. He has family near where I llive and I have many friends where he lives. I had quit one of my 3 jobs in anticipation of moving closer to him at the beginning of summer and was set to move in September when I got offered and amazing job in my current town. Now this job came out of the blue, I didn't know about it or apply. I have built up a favorable reputation amongst several local business owners and was sought out for the position by the owner of the company. After sitting on the job offer until the last day, I accepted it when he told me it wouldn't change anything between us. I really couldn't say no considering they accepted that I would only stay for one year max and the salary was a 50% raise from my net income last year (working up to 80hr/wk) and only have to work 40hr/wk. I also had to find a place to live very last minute as I had only arranged temporary accommodations with a friend who recently bought a house. This is not an easy feat considering I have a large dog and my town is not very pet friendly to renters. I did manage to find an amazing place close to work that allows dogs(my roommate has a Great Dane that my dobe looooves) and thought everything was looking pretty good. Fast forward to last week, when I went to confirm I'd be staying at his place for the weekend, I get shot down. He has to work early all weekend. No sweat, a buddy of mine said I could crash at his place. I finally am able to go visit the guy I'm crazy about Saturday night but when I get to his place he wants to talk. Turns out the distance thing isn't working for him and he "can't wait for me." Fantastic. I don't know when/if I'll be able to be friends with him, because it's going to hurt pretty bad for awhile and I think he could have been the one.
Tl;dr might have lost the love of my life because I believed him when he said being long distance could work if I stayed for a great job. Found out 2weeks after signing a one year lease he didn't actually feel that way.
I'm sure there are typos as I'm writing this on my iPhone.
Jabberwocky918: Men are assholes in long distance relationships. I should know because I am a guy who was in a long distance relationship for 2 years and 9 months (that's including the dating and engagement). Quite a few times I wanted to say fuck this, I'm out. I have no clue what made it work though. We'll hit our 3 year wedding anniversary next month. So, long distance can work, but it is hell, and I would not recommend it to anyone. Pro tip: women generally care about the emotional side of a relationship while men care about the physical. No, no touchy for awhile irritates most men, which is why it's so sudden to a woman when the guy ends the relationship.
Banana-Ghost: What makes an LDR work? How did you fulfill both of your needs?
Edit: Also forgot to say congrats to both of you for making it work :-)
Jabberwocky918: What makes it work? For her, since she depends more on the emotional than the physical, it was patience and hope. She is INCREDIBLY patient and I am not at all. For me, sheer dumb stubbornness. Literally, just counting days and weeks off. I almost fucked up our relationship sooo many times. I was a straight low life fuck who definitely didn't deserve any woman at the time. Her parents are devout Catholics, which meant no living/staying together until marriage, but me being the asshole, I tried so many stupid, underhanded tricks to try and convince her parents to let her move out with me. Thank God my parents talked me out of most of them.
How do you get one to work? Honesty and integrity and commitment, same as any relationship. How did I stay with it to make ours work? I have no clue.
Edit: needs - her was communication. Mine didn't really get fulfilled, but I made do with what I got the few times a year we saw each other.
| 4 | 3 | |
1408406890 | 1408443859 | t3_2dxo1d | t5_2to41 | 20 | buckshot307: TIFU By hitting a bird with my leg at 60mph
So a little backstory, in high school back when I was a young dumb kid when my buddies and I would drive out to the river or the lake we would all act like retards while driving.
I can't tell you how many times I drove my truck while hanging out the window. Sometimes I would drive the whole way there with just my feet. One on the steering wheel and one on the gas. I know stupid as hell right?
Well today I hung out with one of my old high school friends and we drove out to the lake. For old times sake I stuck my left leg out of the window as we were cruising down the highway.
All of a sudden I see a bird come out of no where right towards my truck. I tried to pull my foot back in but I was too slow and then **WHACK**
I don't know if you've ever hit something going that fast but it hurt like hell. I'm really surprised I didn't get cut open or something but it just gave me a welt. It was like getting hit by a paintball the size of a jackdaw except it was blood and not paint.
Well not really I didn't get any blood on me but it still hurt like hell.
TL;DR hung my leg out the window of my truck doing 60 mph and a bird hit it.
pnewell: [Looks like you got](http://imgur.com/PjwTm4j.gif)
Deathiaz: I wonder if who ever made that made it for that exact reasom
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1408409708 | 1408410965 | t3_2dxsk7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | radiocleve: TIFU by not washing my hands
Chopping jalapeños for a breakfast omelette when the urge to pee becomes overwhelming. In my rush to the toilet I don't think to wash my hands.
The burning came quickly and lasted for a good 10 minutes. I was afraid there would be a blister on my peep, the heat was so intense. I even thought about pouring milk down my pants.
Lesson learned.
cranialxkey: Boyfriend did that once, except with hot Hatch Green Chiles. Hilarity ensued. Poor white kid had three generations Hispanic women laughing at him.
radiocleve: Thankfully (?) I was home alone. Nobody to further my shame. :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408411160 | 1408467090 | t3_2dxutw | t5_2to41 | 8 | faxedfruitrollup: TIFU by getting stuck in a foreign country overnight with no money and no phone
My first flight was delayed and now my 12 hour journey is taking 3 days. All I have is a us credit card. I didn't bother bringing my phone because i didn't think passing the international fees was worth it. It's gonna be a long night.
edit: I made it. Long story short, I ended up hitching a ride with the ups man
Hona_Chaginai: You still have Reddit so everything will be ok.
faxedfruitrollup: Lol that is sadly true. Until I got a pop up warning about international data charges :o
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408411171 | 1408415403 | t3_2dxuul | t5_2to41 | 5 | Jnbenn: TIFU By getting my sick anger out
So I was at a hotel in Boston with my grandparents and i was extremely sick. I was constantly passing out and puking, and I was texting my friend. I started by saying "Dude, I am sick as f*** DX" and then we texted on and on for about 20 minutes. I was mad and angry because I needed to go see a lifelong friend perform in a off-broadway musical. After an hour I felt better and Me and my grandparents went where we needed to be.
>
>
24 Hours Later
<
<
I just landed in my home city of New Orleans and I go home. My grandparents leave. I go into my room for a few, lay down, check my phone, ect. after 10 minutes I go to my desk in another room to check my computer and x-box, and I realize I left my phone up on the messages on my bed. My mom comes in (both she and my father are very strict language wise) and the whole conversation between my friend and I is up, with my mom reading it. a whole probably 50 texts saying things such as "HOLY F*** KILL ME" and "I FEEL LIKE S***" and "WHY THE F*** NOW?" . My mother looks at me saying "Explain this, young man!!!" and I have spent the last hour and a half trying to convince her I wasn't thinking at the time, but she wont take it.
>Upside- I got my anger out
>I wont curse around my mother anymore
>That should make me a better person and more cautious around my mom
<Downsides- I feel like a piece of shit son
<I wont be able to sleep tonight because of it.
<holyshitwhatamigoingtodoGodhelpme
<I am so screwed
-She hasn't told dad yet, will update
Wymble: How old are you?
ThatScottishCunt: 46
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408412627 | 1408450427 | t3_2dxx3s | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by being an asshole while crossing the street
I've taken the day off work with a cold, and about an hour ago I realised I needed to buy some more medicine so I threw on some clothes and stumbled off down the road to the drug store.
I was waiting to cross Main Street, and when the pedestrian light went green I started to walk.
At the same moment, a large SUV drove into the intersection and straight for me. They were driving slowly, and I was never in any danger, but it did make me leap backwards in surprise.
Normally I would just keep walking, perhaps with a wtf? Shrug at the driver or a middle finger if it was a bad one... but today was not that day.
Feeling like crap with my cold, I instantly lost my temper and went full retard. Just lost it.
I started shouting foul obscenities and walked right up to the front of the SUV, fists clenched, shooting a death glare at the driver like some kind of bug-eyed lunatic about to start pounding dents into his car with his bare hands.
For context, understand that I am quite large - 6'3", 220lb football player, big scar down middle of my face (bad surfing accident) I had shaved my head just last night, and I was looking like a hobo in my sick/comfort clothes - old hoody, sweatpants, ugg boots and the first pair of sunglasses I could find...which happened to be a ridiculous novelty reggae pair.
He started winding down his window and I walked around to it, still in such a rage that it he'd given me any shit I might've seriously reached in there and thrown him out, or started smashing his face repeatedly against the steering wheel or something. I wanted blood and destruction.
As the heavily tinted window came down I saw an elderly man and his wife sitting there. From 2 feet away I started screaming 'what the fuck are you thinking? The light was fucking green..."
He held up his hand in a "stop" motion.
"I'm sorry son, I don't know this area and I got confused by the intersection. That was totally my fault and I'm sorry. Are you ok? Can I do anything for you?"
He looked like such a nice old grandpa and was so obviously sorry for scaring me that I instantly fell silent, my rage replaced by a sense of deep shame washing through me. I stammered out an apology "for overreacting", stumbled back home and have been sitting here wondering what the fuck came over me.
Not the most thrilling TIFU, I know, but I feel so ashamed of myself right now.
mykcheck: you lost me at ugg boots bro
mykcheck: after reading the comments, I've realized i wasn't alone
| 3 | 13 | |
1408414876 | 1408452927 | t3_2dy0lf | t5_2to41 | 23 | t8nlink: TIFU by drenching myself in gasoline at the gas station
So I was refueling my car as I normally do. In this particular gas station, you choose your payment at the pump, be it cash, credit, or debit. If you're paying with credit or debit, then you pay right there at the pump. If you're paying in cash, then you simply fuel up until the desired amount and pay at the register. Today I was paying in cash. I had twenty dollars.
Anyway, I'm fueling, and as the meter was approaching the twenty dollar mark, I released my grip from the nozzle. The payment landed on $19.86 so I tapped it a few times until it reached twenty dollars. $19.92... $19.96... $20.02. Two cents over, no big deal. I remove the nozzle from my car to place it back and midway, the nozzle starts spewing gasoline and I get drenched. "What the fuck‽" It only spewed for about a second or two but that's all it took to get showered. I'm thinking I may have accidentally pressed on the nozzle while putting it back but I could have sworn I didn't. It doesn't matter now, though. I'm covered in gasoline.
Full of shame, I walk to the register to pay. "$21.04" says the cashier. Oh crap, that spilt gas cost me an extra buck that I don't have. I told the cashier what happened and she decided to waive the extra dollar. I'm grateful. I go back to my car, stinking, and head home for an immediate (water) shower and hope this awful smell will go away. Today I fucked up.
theolebuc: Before you pull out you gotta shake it first
RandomG1rl: But only once or you're just playing with it.
LegsDiamond1988: "Two shakes that's it."
Soap-On-A-Rope: "Three shakes and ya doin it."
Deathiaz: Four shakes, at most
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1408414567 | 1408424842 | t3_2dy03q | t5_2to41 | 7 | Northwoods2: TIFU By leaving a grinder at my dads house
I haven't smoked weed in a few years and left my grinder at my dads house and kind of just forgot about it. I always hid it in a stuffed fishes mouth. (It was a big bass so it could fit) I was going to my dads house last friday and I forgot to realize he is moving in with girl friend now after his house sells. So when I got to his house the whole house was empty.(Missing pictures and stuff to make it look bigger for pictures) I didn't think much of it until I went into my room and saw that the fish was gone. So my dad now knows that I used to smoke weed or still assumes I do and probably he thinks thats why I'm going to community college. He has not confronted me yet but I assume he will. And I lost my 20 dollar sharp stone grinder that I should have sold along time ago.
Baumkronendach: If its hidden in the fish, he may not have noticed it was in there, unless its pretty visible?
Northwoods2: its very likely he has seen it but if he didn't and he brings it to his girl friends house their going to be in for a surprise
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408386853 | 1408569853 | t3_2dwof4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | TubaisLoveTubaisLife: TIFU by trying to reintroduce my knee to my nose
So this TIFU story begins eight weeks ago. To give some background, I am on two dive teams, one at school and one at a local pool in the summer, and have been diving for over eight years. I'm only about decent at diving, but its fun so I continue to do it.
Eight weeks ago, at a routine dive practice on a back dive, I panicked and kneed myself in the nose, breaking and displacing it pretty badly. I had it fixed a couple weeks later and now it looks good again. Now that it was fully healed, I decided to start diving again.
At my first lesson thirty minutes ago, I line up for my first back dive since breaking my nose, and do it pretty well. On my next back dive, feeling a little cocky, I make a joke about breaking my nose, and start the dive. About halfway through, like the dumbshit I am, I panic, and of course, knee myself in the face. Luckily, this time I only give myself a fat lip, and decide to try again. Guess what I do this time? Once again I knee myself in the face. Now in serious pain, but extremely angry, my dive coach makes me keep going. So every time I go up, I'm standing there trying not to cry and feeling like a loser, and my back dives just keep getting worse.
Eventually the lesson ends and now Im sitting at home icing my busted lip, and I now have to play the tuba at marching band camp for the next six hours. I still love diving and want to compete, but I dont know how to get over my fear of backdives
ariet84: Iwas about 9 when I took diving lessons. Never got anywhere with them because I hated backdives. :/
TubaisLoveTubaisLife: Im slowly relearning them, I hate them too :(
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408416511 | 1408462704 | t3_2dy34h | t5_2to41 | 30 | statesides: TIFU by going to Starbucks
So college is thankfully back in session, meaning my penis finally will be as well. I met a cute and super cool girl at a party last night and after some terrible alcohol leading and good conversation, we ended up back at my place. It was some of the best sex I've ever had and the conversation and connection we had was, at least in my opinion, awesome. There was one issue-I forgot her name. Throughout the night I thought of ways I could subtly make her say it in conversation, but to no avail.
However, in a stroke of genius, I took her to Starbucks today morning. She ordered first and just like I planned she told the barista her name was "Katie." So afterwards we were sitting and talking and I called her Katie in conversation and she sort of giggled-a random reaction and I was sort of confused. This happened a couple more times, which I thought was weird but nothing became of it. Then, as we were parting ways I asked her for her phone number, typing the name "Katie" before handing her my phone. She took my phone from me, frowned, and looked up at me quizzically.
"Do you actually think my name is Katie.."?
I was stumped "Uh..no..yea..huh?"
She told me that it was just the name she uses at Starbucks cause the baristas usually have trouble pronouncing her real name, told me to go fuck myself and left. I still don't know her name.
**TL;DR-Met a white girl, took her to Starbucks, got told to go fuck myself. (Perhaps the first time this string of words has ever been said)**
If you want to read about my sexual fuck up over summer, you can find it [here] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/29bwim/tifu_by_going_to_a_rubntug_for_the_first_time/)
Edit: Formatting
Forever_Man: Never type the name into the phone. That's a rookie mistake.
payattentionimsmart: My buddy always brings up Id pictures and gets girls to pull them out... or while drinking challenge them to spell their name backwards and be prepared to win at mental scrabble
Forever_Man: That mental scrabble thing is genius.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1408416664 | 1408428733 | t3_2dy3dk | t5_2to41 | 12 | ewokthegreat: TIFU by thinking that females are capable of being wrong about anything ever.
TheDayWePart: This might be cruel but if you can you should lead her in to a conversation something like this:
"Why should I care?"
"Because you are my boyfriend!"
"You're wrong."
See it would be a good way to break up with her because then you could prove that she is capable of being wrong and it would be funny and a victory but also because HOLY FUCK DUMP THE BITCH.
just_another_hobo: If I could, I'd give gold.
| 3 | 4 | |
1408416914 | 1408419475 | t3_2dy3tm | t5_2to41 | 77 | TheAtomicRapist: TIFU by Ambiguous Restaurant Racism
I work at Penn Station in a predominantly white town, right off the interstate. In walks this huge Mike Tyson looking guy and I take his order, after a little bit one of my coworkers had to attend to one of the customers so I go back to the catch the sandwich from the roller oven. It was a 12 inch sub so it had to be cut in half but alas, I forgot. So I wrap it, the guy says, "did you cut it in half?" I groaned, because we were busy as hell and my coworker laughed and said he'd get it. The black guy says "Well, Subway would've got that right." jokingly as we all laughed. This is where I fucked up. The easy atmosphere was crushed by me saying "Well, normally we wouldn't serve your kind here anyways." I MEANT the Subway sympathizers. The restaurant was silent, everyone looked at me in the most disappointed collective gaze. The guy angrily grabbed his bag out my coworker's hand. He said "Stupid cracker ass town, I ain't coming back to this inbred shithole." Right before he walks out I say, "I meant the Subway kind!" The tension broke and the other employees started laughing as well as the guy. I was still traumatized, and I apologized, he did too. He got a free cookie for his troubles. I don't know why the manager thought he should get that free cookie when he was the racist all along.
PM_ME_MEERKATS: surprised that turned out as well as it did. To me, that hasty clarification would have just seemed like a hasty excuse to get out of a trouble situation, not a sincere explanation
TheAtomicRapist: He was a scary looking guy, I was scared shitless. Also it was a simplification.
| 3 | 25.666667 | |
1408417199 | 1408486438 | t3_2dy4b1 | t5_2to41 | 7 | whoops34567: TIFU By having my IPad near the bathtub, then looking at porn. [NSFW]
(I'm 16 f) Today, I decided to take a bath. To keep myself entertained, I took my IPad with me. I figured that keeping it in it's case and keeping it on the side of the tub or on the floor would be enough because I use it for music when I shower anyways.
Afterwards, I decided to look at porn and masturbate. While looking at PornHub, my screen stopped responding. The volume would change, but it wouldn't respond to the home button. Like the genius I am, i decided to see what the off button would do. My IPad shut off and will only respond to the charger being plugged in. I can't tell my parents because I just got my new computer two weeks ago after I broke the old one and they'd refuse to fix it (obviously for good reason). I've had this IPad for years.
The bad news is that I shouldn't be allowed to have technology. The good news here is that I can still use my computer for porn.
tommydoesreddit: try doing a full reset-
Hold the power button and the home button together for about 10 seconds, or until you see the apple logo appear.
whoops34567: It worked! Thank you for the suggestion.
tommydoesreddit: no prob! :)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408418494 | 1408465536 | t3_2dy6ft | t5_2to41 | 61 | LOLZCatzzZ: (NSFW) tifu by accidentally showing my whole class a porno
At the age of 16 I was very horny so almost everyday when I'd get home from school I would "choke the chicken".
One day I was assigned a project where we had to make a slide show/PowerPoint about how our school should either keep sports over educational classes or educational classes over sports.
Now I would always download porno's and save them on a flash drive and i would always name them some boring school thing so my siblings couldn't "accidentally" open it up.
I had finished my project and saved it in a different folder not the one with porn.
Now when I got to school I got to present by project now I had not realized that I named it something similar to one of the porno's and I clicked on the folder I pressed play walked to my desk it was loading at this point and it showed up.
This porno had a girl getting nailed in the ass by some huge bulky black guy. This stayed on the screen for about 5 seconds I sprinted to the computer not knowing what to do shut it off.
My classmates were in Shock but my teacher jaw dropped to the floor like some cartoon ran towards grabbed me and brought me straight to the principals office they called my parents and try couldn't believe I had my computer gone for like 3 months along with every other device that can go on a websites as well as being suspended for 4 days and having my classmates and friends fuck with me about it.
Tifu by putting my school project in the wrong folder getting to school showing it to my classmates and getting in huge shit
tommydoesreddit: So.. Were you for, or against Sports?
Gunslinger_11: I'd like to know too, cause fuck school sports.
kellumc13: Where do you think a lot of the money comes from?
silencesc: In my high school we got most of our money from the music and drama booster programs...
| 5 | 12.2 | |
1408313679 | 1408469044 | t3_2du048 | t5_2to41 | 6 | accidentalasswax: TIFU by trying to fix my toilet seat with super glue.
You want a story? Frick you, I glued my ass to a toilet seat.
(...oh its a rule) One of the rods on the hinge around the back came off and I tried to super glue it back on. Got some on the seat APPARENTLY, didn't clean it well and used it shortly after. Get it? Also, I'm a guy so... hair.
ScareYou: you know new toilet seats aren't that expensive...
accidentalasswax: You're absolutely right but I had to do some research. [Found this.](http://store.carbonfibergear.com/carbon-fiber-toilet-seat?gclid=COukg6Lrn8ACFa_m7AodymQAvg)
Neat!
| 3 | 2 | |
1408419940 | 1408469206 | t3_2dy8ly | t5_2to41 | 4 | jrutabega: TIFU by accidentally stiffing a cab driver.
I'm a huge idiot. But also I don't ride the cab often, but I still should've figured this out.
Anyway- and I bet everyone knows this already- this cab had one meter for 'fare' and another for like 'tax' or some shit. And I fucked up by not adding the 'fare' and 'tax' together and then tipping. I 'tipped' only on the fare, which meant that I basically just paid the fare and the tax together with absolutely no tip. I only realized it after I got out. The driver was super chill about it but I'm a huge idiot. I'm sorry for not tipping you, chill cab driver. I will be smarter next time.
anon123554: Why would you tip a cab driver?
jrutabega: Do you seriously not? Do you not live in America? I know it's not done planet-wide but it's certainly standard practice in the US.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408421196 | 1408435340 | t3_2dyako | t5_2to41 | 26 | jack3dmamba: TIFU by squatting too hard.
LTDrizzle: Ahahahahahaha broooooooo. This is why you always skip leg day.
jack3dmamba: Im making sure I spend 30mins stretching and 15mins emptying my bowels before my next leg day. Once i find a new gym that is.
Donkster: Soooo are you changing gym?
jack3dmamba: Yeah a gym in my area is opening with a special half price for first 6 months and no joining fee.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1408423034 | 1408423837 | t3_2dyd45 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Mesartihm: TIFU by letting my sister walk in on me having sex.
Less than 48 hours ago my boyfriend and I moved in with my sister. Cheap rent, she's never here so what could go wrong?
Right now we are staying in her room while we get settled while she stays with her boyfriend. she had texted me she was coming over after work but didn't say what time. After a long day of walking around yesterday me and the bf stayed in bed all day playing video games and job searching.
Well afternoon finally rolls around and we start having sex. We're almost done and I hear a knock at the door. Strange, I didn't hear anyone come into the apartment so I yell What?!
Apparently that means immediately come into the room - which has no lock. As she's opening the door all I can do is start yelling "no, NO, fuck off! Fuck off, FUCK Off!"
she clearly sees everything because there's a giant mirror at the end of the bed. All she can say is "well it's My room!"
So I mean I guess we fucked up by fucking in the room she's letting us use while she's not here but that's not even where I personally fuck up.
I go out, have a smoke with my sister as my bf rolls us a joint to relax after that little incident. My sister and I talk and she gets picked up. So now we smoke the joint and go back to the room. To continue on with our video games and fucking around on the Internet. I proceed to text my best friend to try and make her laugh saying "omfg my sister just walked in on boyfriend and I full on fucking nude"
Wait a bit no response so I put my phone on silent and forget about it.
About three hours later I go to call my sister about dinner plans and I look at my phone. Text from my mom - "... Things your parents DO NOT need to know :)" no... NO i look at my above text. Yep I sent that not to my best friend but my mother's cell phone which just happened to be with my dad all day. Immediately called my mom and both of my parents are laughing their assets off asking me if I was going to text my grandparents as well so the whole family knows. All and all they took it pretty good but my boyfriend sure is embarrasses.
Tl;dr sister walking in on my boyfriend and I fucking. Went to tell my best friend about it accidentally texted my parents the story.
TooFewSecrets: ...Doesn't matter, had sex?
Mesartihm: Lmao that was the first thing my bf said after she walked in on us. It wasn't until I made it worse that he got embarressed
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1408422415 | 1408490836 | t3_2dyc8o | t5_2to41 | 4 | Deathneal: TIFU by watching Boku no Pico(NSFW)
Donkster: Should have taken some [advice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T6go6EOuG4)
Deathneal: Yea I saw that after I watched it
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408424674 | 1408458861 | t3_2dyfc6 | t5_2to41 | 15 | whitestmexicanuknow: TIFU by making an "Of mice and men" reference [NSFW]
This afternoon my house clears out do to the family wanting to go watch Lucy and I have the house all to myself. Being the hormone crazed teen I am, I invite my girlfriend over for some sexy times. After said sexy time was finished, I started to get paranoid that my parents would get home so I told her she might want to leave. This tends to usually happen to me.
After realizing I was starting to get paranoid, she told me to calm down and was asking why I was so paranoid. I then responded by saying in my best impression of John Malkovich's Lennie-
"Because I dun a bad ting"
I will never live this down.
tl;dr: asked why I was so paranoid after sex, responded by sounding like I was mentally challenged
xrambothecookx: You went full retard. Never go full retard.
Voyager5555: Literally in this case.
| 3 | 5 | |
1408425663 | 1408426066 | t3_2dygnq | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking the innocence of an old book
*NOTE: It's long and pointless. The damage has been done. I guess I'll take constructive criticism or any advice on how to turn back time.*
I went to an old bookstore today.
My family is moving so I had been collecting a bunch of books that I found collecting dust on my bookshelf. I had a handful of books that I bought at the Barnes and Nobles bargain corner-- books that were supped to be glorious on someone's coffee table-- about the Soviets during the war, about serial killers and murderers, --eh, I admit that my interests in high school were typical of a cringe-worthy highschooler.
I threw an assortment of books into a cardboard box. Some of them should straight to go to Goodwill- they have my name, underlines and highlights on each page, and the cover is worn. Those were from high school. I had never wrote in books before then- well, I did a few times, but I regretted it often. However, I had to bite through it in AP English. We were required to annotate our books and the teacher checked for them. I didn't read these books anymore thought- so I threw them in the box despite their spoiled appearances.
Then came books from college- textbooks, Shakespeare, Jane Austen and the likes. Frankly, classic literature was hit or miss for me. My copy of *Emma* and *Taming of the Shrew* were in mint condition. More favorable textbooks were lightly annotated--something that felt necessary to me in order to fully understand the book. I still felt bad about it- but in college, understanding content (and getting good grades) was a bit more important than my feelings.
Regardless, there were more books unopened than annotated ones.
I thought to myself, "Let's never buy books that I don't look at. Let's not buy books off the bargain rack. Not anymore. I'm a different person now. *Each book I buy will be thoughtfully read and taken ownership of.*"
With the new pledge, I moved the heavy box into my car and started driving. The bookstore was over half an hour away, but the trip proved to be worth it.
Right off the interstate there was a giant warehouse building. While it wasn't Barnes and Nobles, Borders, or you name it- the place was crowded with people bringing their old books, checking out books, and taking a handful of used books to purchase them for themselves. Not only that, the place sold video games, music instruments- anything that could be considered healthy entertainment was present. It was reminiscent of a lively public square.
The system was simple. I put my books in their white box (like the US Postal Service's) and waited in line. There was a maximum of three boxes if you wanted the process to be done within that day. Of course, if you wanted to drop off a load of books, you could do so in a couple of red box and return tomorrow.
After proudly piling my books into only one box, I got in line. immediately, someone came up to me-- "Is that a war book?" He was referring to my bargain coffee table Soviet book.
He looked like a liberal arts college dude (messy black hair that came down his face and an unbuttoned plaid shirt), but he had a cute little baby in a stroller like a responsible adult. "Yeah!" I excitingly replied. He asked if he could check it out. I gladly handed it to him. He skimmed through it.
Part of me was embarrassed. I owned an interesting book that attracted attention. I mean, that was the reason I bought it in high school! It would have been so cool if I was able to talk about the Soviets during the war era. I played Call of Duty with my friends- guns were cool, Russians were cool. However, I was unable to give any praise or criticism of the book. My silent smile bothered me. "There's pictures!" I said.
"I am interested in war books," he replied, "how much would you want for this?"
Taken aback, I just said that I'm going to see how much the store offers first. He understood. "Good talking to you!" I waved.
I continued to wait in my line.
My turn comes. I submitted my books and get a green ticket with a barcode on it. I found out that payment comes in either cash or store credit. Of course, the latter would be a larger value. I didn't have to make a decision until I came back for the offer. Great-- I'll go browse the books while they process my batch.
If my poor habit of buying bargain books at Barnes and Nobles said anything- I enjoy bargain. And interesting books with pictures. The store was filled with them.
Thankfully, my interests have become much more practical than "war"-- I headed to art instruction and architecture. This was a growing interest of mine- painting, drawing, and urban design.
I spent minutes and minutes browsing through books. They were not in any format or order. They were just in categories so there was, really, no way to look for a specific title. I just picked out the most attractive spine and skimmed.
Watercolor. Comicbook drawing. Architecture of Western Europe. All these books have beautiful pictures and interesting content. I held them in my arms as I continue browsing. I came across a beige matte cover.
*Urban Design within the Comprehensive Planning Process.*
I took it out of the shelf and open the card stock cover. There was a letter dated in 1970. *"Dear Sir,"* it starts,
The enclose publication is sent to you with the compliments of the Urban Planning Research and
Demonstration Program of the U. S. Department of Housing and Urban Development and the undersigned.
[...]
Thank you.
Sincerely,
> *author's signature*
In that exact font, too. The letter, while separate from the rest of the book, was clearly meant to be part of this print.
........What is this book? It's so beautiful! It's not a typical book! It has PICTURES in it too! This would be the perfect book to seriously start learning about urban planning and indulge in its glory! My gosh! I am so very excited. I am so excited to own this book. With a big smile, I head back to the entrance.
I check with the folks there to find out how much I've made. I could take either ~$25 in cash or almost $40 in store credit. With a armful of books, I take the store credit. I go to another desk to claim these old books- including my glorious find- as my own. I only go over $10 on store credit- -score!
I come home. I am excited. I tell my best friends about my deal. They are proud. Bargain. Books. I am so excited!
I finally find time to sit down and read through a book. Of course -- let's start with the urban design book. The beautiful 1970 first edition- I bet, or maybe even an unprinted one. I don't know. There's no ISBN- no NOTHING! And it's MINE!
I already glimpsed through the table of contents. So, I start with the preface.
The dilemmas of living in today's towns and cite are so gargantuan ...
My college student senses tingle when I read the next paragraph.
... a basic problem has been that individual urban development actions have not added up to an optimum
whole.
That seems important- possibly the author's point. A statement that I want to quote, or take note of. Take note, take note...
>"Each book I buy will be thoughtfully read and taken ownership of."
I want to own this book. This book is already mine. I want to make note of this statement. Should I underline it with a pencil? A pencil would be safe. I could erase it later. No, I want to own this book. I could write it out on a separate page as if I was borrowing this book? No. This IS my book. I want to be able to recite statements and recall all of its points. I want to take OWNERSHIP of this book!
I had gone through my writing utensils earlier in that week. I had gotten rid of pens and markers that stopped working, but recovered highlighters with beautiful colors that I had forgotten about. One of which was pink- not particularly my favorite color, but it was not as harsh as a yellow or orange highlighter.
Then I committed a [sin](http://imgur.com/i8joU0E.jpg).
Uncomfortable with myself, [I did it again](http://imgur.com/Pl7Ebm6.jpg).
Then the guilt hit me. It hit me hard.
This could have- *could have* - been some rare copy. Maybe something I could give to my grandchildren, who then would be able to donate it to libraries and have their names proudly remembered -- *"Donated by Mr. & Mrs. Sueness III."* -- or something like that!
Maybe this was a lost copy- a lost FIRST EDITION that was stolen --then forgotten, then sent to a used bookstore. Maybe they're looking for it right now. Maybe after I post this on reddit, they will send me a PM that just says, *Why? Why did you do it?*
Why, why didn't I use a pencil?! I could have- I could have erased my filthy mistakes! Instead, now I have a permanent pink--PINK--streak in this, precious, poor, spoiled, tainted book. It's just... not the same anymore. I am, simply, an irresponsible --*sinful* book owner.
...
To whom it may concern-- please forgive me.
**TL;DR** I went to an old bookstore today. I highlighted a book. From 1970. And I've been feeling fucking horrible since.
/end rant
lolita-lolita: You're just adding a bit more character to it
sueness: Right, right!? That's what I'm telling myself.
| 3 | 2 | |
1408426435 | 1408543790 | t3_2dyhmo | t5_2to41 | 11 | notamodelminority: TIFU by having my gf accidentally pee on my phone
A few days ago, I drove my girlfriend home after a long date, during which we continually teased each other. There were no cars around where I parked and it was especially dark, so we immediately started getting frisky in the car.
So, my girlfriend is into role-play, specifically rape fantasies for some reason, so as she goes down on me, I start acting a little rough to turn her on. As I inch my fingers into her crotch, she tells me that I can't because she really has to use the bathroom. During this time, I thought it would be a little fun to push the edge. After a few seconds of fingering her, she squirms a little bit and she immediately sits back up.
"Uh oh."
We stop and i start to wipe down the seat and clean up and I realize that my huge-ass Samsung Galaxy Note had fallen out of my pocket and fell between her legs where she was kneeling down. It was completely soaked in her urine.
The next day, the phone was operating okay, but now the screen won't turn off and I can't use the phone for longer than an hour without it turning off. I filed an insurance claim, but now I have to pay a $200 deductible to get a new phone ;-; I was a few days from upgrading too!
tl;dr fingered too hard, girlfriend peed on my phone accidentally
Edit: grammar
ChieftheKief: "uh hey Samsung, does your warranty cover urine?"
"why on earth would you need a warranty for your phone for pee damage?"
"i fingered my girlfriend and she peed all over it."
"uhhhhhhh......."
leopardg: And that day it was discovered how to give high fives over the phone.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408425929 | 1408428562 | t3_2dyh03 | t5_2to41 | 3 | nodivisionhwm: TIFU Giving my dog treats
Be me
Hanging on the couch
Eating some oreos
Dog wants a cookie too
Pull out 3 dog treats and give him one of them
Mindlessly eat another oreo
Give dog treat #2
Look down
Dog treats are gone
TL;DR: I ate a dog biscuit and didn't realize it. Still have hard chunks of it in my teeth.
TheGwolo: I bet your dog is mad at you.
nodivisionhwm: I got him another cookie to make up for it.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408429348 | 1408508714 | t3_2dyl2w | t5_2to41 | 8 | LovesRedditGold: TIFU by being hunted by a mountain lion
Ok so this happened an hour ago and I'm so scared and sick to my stomach I want to puke. So after work my best friend and coworker had been planning to go catfishing at the lake by our town. We got all of our usual gear rounded up except for my 9mm handgun. Now I'm not paranoid when I go out but I have always held to the saying better to have and not need than need and not have. Today my error of judgment was to leave my trusty sidearm at home while I went fishing. We arrive at the lake, park at the top of the hill and make our descent down(massive drought currently in California). We get our hot dogs out, bait up our hooks and get our lines wet. As we wait for a fish to bite I constructed(tried miserably) a fire. As half an hour goes by I shine my flashlight at the poles in the water to make sure nothing has taken the bait. As I cast light upon the mountainside I see faintly a small pair of eyes and what looks to be a large log behind it. I call out to my friend "hey I thinks there mouse over there, because it's really close to the ground". He says dude just ignore it. I say back to him " no I'm not turning my back on this thing until I figure what it is because it's just staring at me. Then the eyes seems to bounce almost a foot up and then back down and the log is faintly creeping behind it. The "O HOLY FUCK" feeling starts to set in and I'm getting freaked the fuck out! My buddy says I think that's a mountain lion but I tried to calmly say nah "that's just a coyote". Then he says fuck no dude that's a FUCKING MOUNTAIN LION!!!! I tried to say bravely as I could no that's just a small animal, when the eyes rose again and the whole log slowly emerged into a whole big cat. I was so scared I pulled out my auto knife and my buddy did too. We built up the fire best we could(it barely flickered still at best) and one at a time packed up our shit. We kept the light shining at all times on it when I remembered the show I like to watch mountain men on history channel. Doing my best imitation of Rich Lewis from the show(if you don't know he tracks mountain looks and wolves and scares them off people's land) I screamed get the fuck out of here repeatedly til these peoples dogs camping a ways away started howling. Again the while body arose instead of slinking towards us like before. I screamed and the dogs howled and it disappeared momentarily. The scariest thing about the whole ordeal was the ideas would disappear Everytime I shined the light on it's eyes and when i turn away and shine again it reappears. So then we slowly walk up while shining in it's direction. We made it to the truck and got the fuck outta dodge!!! I'm calling department of fish and game tomorrow they need to be wary of that area.
DynaTheCat: It just wanted a hug.
LovesRedditGold: No it just wanted some meat
PIRATEghost85: Giggity
LovesRedditGold: A cougar.. I see what u did there
LovesRedditGold: Maybe it wanted the D?
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1408429435 | 1408431370 | t3_2dyl6p | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to my Doctor NSFW
So this is possibly the biggest fuck up I have ever done.
So as a child I was always prone to uirinary track infections or inflamed foreskin. Now this was because for some reason my forskin would not retract and made it very difficult to clean. My Doctor that I had as a child suggested that I get circumcised and after explaining to me what a circumcision was my teenage brain clicked into survival mode and flat out said no. So instead I spent my teenage years and Being put through endless creams, injections, and at one point haveing my forskin streched my forskin with forceps( I think that what those long clamps are called). Needless to say my penis and I were not very happy.
Now as an adult I moved and got a new Doctor, during a check up he noted that my foreskin could not retract and this was not normal for a 20 year old, he suggested I get circumcised and again I flat out said no.
Now a year later I got a really bad infection that spread to my kidneys and ended me up in the hospital. Now I need to repeat I am a very clean person but because of how tight my fordkin was it was next to impossible to clean.
So after my stay in the hospital it was suggested a third time I get circumcised. I finaly caved in and had the procedure done.
After the surgery I was surprised I was not it a lot of spin and infact felt great. After 6 weeks of healing I was given the okay to resume normal use of my penis, and up to this point it was just peeing.
So I went home and made up for list time IT WAS GLOURIOUS! There was not a clean sock to be found by the time I finished.
So now at 33 a look back at my teenage self and think that if I had only listened to my Doctor the first time I could have avoided the years of pain and suffering.
Edit 1
I fucked up the title should be TIFU by not listening to my doctor...
hrmbus: How could you masturbate or have sex if your foreskin couldn't retract? That must have been painful to get a full erection?
Not trying to bash you, but if your foreskin was so tight it couldn't pull back from the glans or head of your penis, why wouldn't you do *something* about it rather than just treat the issues it caused?
Onecutmember: Nope your not bashing its the honest truth. I went many years with painful erections and not being able to have sex or properly masterbate. But I'm my defence being told as a teenager that the only option was circumcision, and then being told that it entails cutting a pice of your penis off was a terrifying thought. Needless I realize that I fucked up.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408431051 | 1408453231 | t3_2dymvu | t5_2to41 | 9 | iShetandiGiggle: TIFU by clicking a facebook link
This is actually different from other TIFU's, since it happened about 1 hour ago.
So i was listening to music on phone(headphones) and doing homework on my laptop,alternating between my online research and facebook. Suddenly,my friend links me a facebook video followed by "Have fun" I clicked on it,thinking it'd be a stupid prank video or something. Nope. it was a porn video. And i didnt know until 5-6 seconds in(remember, I was on my phone listening to music). And my mom was right next door.My mom knows that i know she knows... So afterwards... I couldnt really focus on my homework because this has been bothering me on the back of my mind.
So here I am on reddit trying to let this off
my chest so I can finally finish my homework.
YCJ54: Plot twist: Mom looks at porn too.
[deleted]: Plot Twist: She wanted to.
Tauburn_: Plot Twist: Your mom is the star.
Deathiaz: Even more plot twist ; His mom is porn
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1408432217 | 1408453576 | t3_2dyo2y | t5_2to41 | 44 | destroyah257: TIFU by eating a Ghost Chili pepper after getting my wisdom teeth removed.
Since this is my first reddit post I figured I might as well submit it to my favorite subreddit TIFU. Anyway back to the topic at hand. A few weeks ago, being the dumb and adventurous teenager that I am, I decided to order Ghost Chili peppers (A.K.A. the hottest peppers in the world) just for a bit of fun and a laugh with my friends. I also figured that I like spicy food so what's better than the spiciest food concocted by mankind? Next being the dumb and forgetful teenager that I am, I then forgot about ordering the chilis and left them sitting on my countertop. Skip forward a few weeks. It had been a few hours since I got my wisdom teeth removed and I was still a bit doped up on the medication that I had received. Luckily for me in my drug induced thought process I suddenly remembered about these mystical peppers that were supposed to give me and my buddies a good ole' time. Unluckily for me these mystical peppers were the spiciest of their kind and before I knew it I had chewed and gummed my way threw three of them. Now picture that the sun was edible and imagine the pain of getting your wisdom teeth out (if you have/remember having them out). This is what I felt and if not for the kindly services of Vicodin I probably would've died from the pain. However this screw up got even worse. The one thing people say about hot peppers is that you should never drink water with them and that a person should ingest milk to quench the burning sensation. Well friendly readers I, in my drug-addled state of mind, felt that it would be a PERFECT idea to stick my head under the faucet in my kitchen. Lets just say that the pitiful cries of "Ow ow ow fuckin' shit that hurts." Turned into screams of "FUCK ME FUCK JESUS OWW..." You get the picture. Anyway after that my parents rushed in to find me soaked in water and screaming obscene language at the top of my lungs. Luckily my dad saw the open container of peppers and connected the dots. He calmed me down and poured the glass of milk that I so direly needed. So all's well that ends well I guess =)!
So overall I bought Ghost Chilis, got my wisdom teeth removed, ate said chilis, and then drank water to fix the pain.
VusterJones: At least you didn't eat those [Carolina Reapers](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carolina_Reaper). Those are about 2x as hot as ghost peppers and I'm pretty certain you would have been more than fucked if you had eaten those.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Carolina Reaper**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carolina%20Reaper): [](#sfw)
---
>
>
>The __Carolina Reaper__ is a hybrid cultivar of [chili pepper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chili_pepper) of the *[Capsicum chinense](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capsicum_chinense)* species, originally named the "HP22B", bred by cultivator Ed Currie, who runs PuckerButt Pepper Company in [Fort Mill, South Carolina](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Mill,_South_Carolina), [United States](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States). The "Carolina Reaper" was rated as the world's hottest chili pepper by *[Guinness World Records](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guinness_World_Records)* according to 2012 tests, averaging 1,569,300 on the [Scoville scale](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale) with peak levels of over 2,200,000 Scoville Heat Units (SHU). The previous record-holder was the [Trinidad Scorpion Butch T](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trinidad_Scorpion_Butch_T_pepper).
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/pT8qCt3.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Carolina_Reaper_pepper_pods.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Chili ^pepper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chili_pepper) ^| [^Trinidad ^Scorpion ^Butch ^T ^pepper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trinidad_Scorpion_Butch_T_pepper) ^| [^Scoville ^scale](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale) ^| [^Capsicum ^chinense](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capsicum_chinense)
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+cjudo6m) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+cjudo6m)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
everydayasiannerd: >> PuckerButt Pepper Company
...
| 4 | 11 | |
1408442257 | 1408477569 | t3_2dyx4x | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to my sister have sex on a voice memo
This all happened around three years ago when my older sister gave me her iPhone 3GS because she was upgrading to an iPhone 4. I was pretty stoked to own a smartphone (I had flip phones up until that point) so I immediately went in and explore the features that come with it. Later that night when I got board looking at the main apps I started diving down into Apple's bloatware. Apps like passport, news stand, game center and of course, Voice Memos.
I was not prepared for what I was about to listen to. The first few memos were of my sister (poorly) singing or saying shitting "thought provoking" quotes about life. But the last one was different. Expecting more stupid shit, I listened and heard something shocking. My sister's boyfriend (now ex) was talking to her and saying REALLY sexual things to her and you could hear them kiss. Suddenly, she starts to groan as the distinct sound of fucking was heard. This lasted for a full minute (yeah impressive time bud) and I was left incredibly disturbed afterwards. I'll never look at her the same way again.
Maybe next time sis you make sure you've deleted **everything** before you give a phone away.
**TL;DR: My sister gave me hear old iPhone. Recorded herself having sex with her boyfriend. I found it. Shit was scarring**
EDIT: Just for those wondering why I kept listening, [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hdjv_afHmV4#t=43s) perfectly describes how it felt at the time. I **IN NO WAY** enjoyed this at all.
jfb3: This is not *you* fucking up. You didn't do anything. On the other hand **your sister** fucked up by not resetting her phone to factory.
Stew514: If I heard my sister talking dirty to her boyfriend I wouldn't keep listening to the voice memo, and certainly would not be trying to see how long he could last.
[deleted]: That's why this story isn't about you.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1408442589 | 1408443702 | t3_2dyxfv | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing in my boyfriends face as he broke up with me
So 4 days ago my bf decided to end things... Bit of background he was emotionally manipulative at times and I don't stand for that whatsoever, always, always catch him out on it...
So, he started the break up speech, at first I didn't know how to react, and then he said you deserve someone better than me... And so I lost it, I laughed my ass off until he walked out the door... He was bawling his eyes out as he left, which made me laugh more... I am extremely insensitive... My coping mechanism is to just laugh it off... After he left I was fine, cause he had said some harsh things, and I just wasn't into the whole, omg take me back I love you crap... Not when every flaw known to mankind has been committed by me apparently...
Fast forward 3 days, so yesterday, he messages me asking if we can talk... Fine, meet up with him... He decides yet again to bring up every flaw I have and every tiny little mistake I ever made in this relationship... cause he is totally perfect and all... And he goes to leave, I haven't said a word for the entire hour we were together for... just listening, and I've got the biggest smile on my face... He wanted to know what I was thinking and if i was going to say anything at all... And so yeh, how i responded wasn't the greatest, and probably is pretty harsh, but don't mess with me... Words can be lethal... well, he has issues getting it up... I said "i don't know which way i want to go right now, whether to be the better person, or to be a complete bitch and make you cry for pure entertainment..." He lost it and got really angry, so as he turns to walk away i say, I hope your next gf doesn't mind you limp dick... and then he stopped, shaking, tears rolling down his face... so i went for the worst thing i could have done to his manhood, "at least i didn't pay for my first time..."
Yeh... I was always told when they fight dirty you do it back... I think I managed that one... He cried as he walked back to his car... and I haven't heard from him since... Don't know why that would be(Sarcasm)...? :/
Yes i'm a bitch, but if you're willing to dish it, be prepared for a cold, hard serving...
I got him onto this subreddit, fingers crossed he doesn't read this...
EDIT: just to make it clear, I do feel bad about how i reacted to this situation... and I did apologize... whether or not that is to be accepted is another thing...
sontakasa: How is this a TIFU? Sounds more like you're proud of what you did
turtlesquirtle23: I'm not proud of how I reacted, in all honesty I thought I was a better person than that... I shouldn't have said anything and just left it...
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408443947 | 1408497569 | t3_2dyynb | t5_2to41 | 26 | lokiofspirit: TIFU by touching a girls boobs
Just happened.
I stay in boarding school for sports.
First year have huge crush on a Asian-American senior girl in the same sports club as me.
Confess after a long time.
Had pissed her off along the way.
She says no, after being sad for awhile try again.
Stay friends for awhile.
Drift apart, argue alot.
She HATES me.
Usually after training we shake our coaches hands. We have 3.
As I finish shaking one coaches hand I leave it out and rotate my body.
Hand hits her boobs with a small thud.
C Cups, not sure if they got bigger(she told me before we started fighting.).
She gets really pissed, mouths fucking creep and walks away.
I stay stunned thinling holy shit what did I just do.
No one else notices. Carry on as usual.
Text her saying sorry, then wrote this.
TL;DR hit the boob of my crush who hates me, she's super pissed. Apologised.
AngryManSam: She said creep because you didnt honka honka her.......
Pro tip ;)
lokiofspirit: At that point she would've slapped me, underage here
AngryManSam: Well then just dont worry about it mate, good thinks happen if u dont worry.
Okcnumber0: Just hakunamatata that shit man
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1408442159 | 1408473496 | t3_2dyx1r | t5_2to41 | 65 | Zeus_Throwaway: TIFU by cumming into my bin.
This actually happened today and I am still mindfucked about what happened.
So it was the morning when I woke up, I was feeling horny so I decided to masturbate for a little bit. After going at it for a little while I noticed I had no tissues, so I decided when I cum I'm going to quickly get up and shoot it in my bin.
When I was nearly done I quickly got up and ran over to my bin, started to cum in it. I got this fuzzy little gray vision in my eyes. It has to do something about you getting up too fast and the blood in your brain or something, I have had it lots of times before. So I fell over and started banging my head against the ground with my penis in my hand and cumming over the floor.
I don't remember me falling over, but I figured because I was on the ground and my hip hurt.. I actually have no clue why I was repeatedly banging my head against the ground..
TL;DR
Masturbated, had no tissues so I decided to cum in the bin. I got some kind of gray fuzzy vision when I got up too fast, fell over and started banging my head on the ground while having my penis in my hand :)
EDIT: It's called orthostatic hypertension. It is caused by standing up to fast and your brain loses oxygen for a quick second. Its normal dont worry, but sometimes if your dehydrated or drunk or high and this happens you can pass out.
EDIT 2: I passed out
Sharky87: Sounds like you had a seizure!
Zeus_Throwaway: Well shit..
silencesc: If it is a seizure they're not a one time thing. Go to a doctor if you're worried
harmlessmaniac: Yes make sure you recreate the scenario as closely as possible to ensure a valid diagnosis.
| 5 | 13 | |
1408444844 | 1408461215 | t3_2dyzi1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | ryannchelz: Tifu scared of getting blowjob (almost sfw)
[deleted]: Hey, at least you won't mess it up next time op.
^^pls ^^dont
fellaphant: If a stranger in a club asks you if you want a blow job, say no. Just say no.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408445841 | 1408488884 | t3_2dz0ea | t5_2to41 | 224 | [deleted]: TIFU by changing my girlfriends default FB pic to one of her vagina.
Probably the biggest fuck up in my life. But in my defense who keeps their nudes in the same folder as the rest of their pictures?
Anyway we were getting ready to go to sleep and she was messing around on her laptop, I rolled over to look at whatever she was doing and saw a picture that peaked my interest if you will. So I just reach my hand over and double-click it and boom - it was now her new default. She started freaking out and as soon as I realized what had happened I just sortof blanked out and started pacing around the room repeating "fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit" as she frantically deleted the whole facebook profile.
Luckily this was about 4:00am and only her sister was online at the time, but still easily one of my biggest fuck ups to date.
CircadianRadian: Is your girlfriends name Stephanie?
[deleted]: Steph-fanny.
[deleted]: Calm down, England.
[deleted]: Ireland you ignorant Yank!
[deleted]: Canada, you hot-headed Celt!
[deleted]: I'm just drunk.
[deleted]: You say that like it is news.
Kilo_Victor: This is better than OPs post
| 9 | 24.888889 | |
1408445725 | 1408462286 | t3_2dz0af | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU - Spending time with another woman...
A little backstory - Months ago I (28/m) found out my wife (29/f) had an affair. She claims it was emotional, not physical. I know they at least made out a number of times so we separated. We had been separated a while when we began talking about reconciling and moving back in together. A few days before my lease ran out she told me that she is not ready. I felt betrayed and told her I wanted a few days to think and explained she was pushing me too far away.
Saturday Night my best friend and I went out for drinks and I ended up going home with this sexy girl (21/f). The other girl and I just hung out and talked mostly, there was some pretty passionate kissing but nothing overtly sexual. She had a rule against getting too physical the first time she meets someone. We spent a pretty prefect night, sort of like Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz in Vanilla Sky.Now I am a bit torn. I love my wife even if she is one of the meanest people I have ever met. I also developed a pretty intense little crush of the girl. I know if I pursue the other girl my marriage is over, but I almost feel it would be worth it.
POSTED VIA PHONE - SORRY FOR TYPOS, SPELLING, AND GRAMMATICAL ERRORS.
FistingMona: Dude bro it's a no brainer. The wifes leading you on while she is probably still out there getting dicked. Have some fun with the younger girl and see where it goes but most importantly move on from your wife
Yung_Don: Don't you think this is a bit hasty? Sounds like he's got new chick syndrome. The grass is always greener etc., only dude knows if his wife is worth it.
SuperMajinRobo: chances are, she isnt meaner than one of the meanest people in his life so at least hes got that going for him
| 4 | 5 | |
1408448756 | 1408463750 | t3_2dz3d9 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Ohhellnaa: TIFU by masturbating infront of the Mirror
So, It was couple of years back, Not as in today. Anyways, I was a teenager and curious about sexual parts. My friend had just recently taught to me about whacking my meat at school. And mind you, back then I didn’t know what porn was.
Anyways, my friend suggested me to wank infront of beautiful girls pictures or whatever whenever I had a hard-on. And yes, he also did explain to me what a hard on was. Before that, I used to think that whenever I had a hard on it was due to my bladder being full. So I went to the toilet and tried my hard to pee. so, cutting forward. I was intrigued about my friends sexual advice.
Afterwards, That very day I returned from school, getting my sexual knowledge from my friends, I proceeded to whack my bat. But I was not sure how to do it. SO, I basically stood in-front of a mirror(watching as to my whether my stroke was correct or not for stroking) and started to whack it. And I do tell you it felt so good. So, as I started jerking I forgot that I hadn’t locked my room door. My small brother had also returned home from school. As I was jerking he was peeping through the door and staring at what I was doing.
I had not noticed he was watching me. So I started to continue jerking whilst continuing to look at the mirror while I do so. At about half-point I hear the door creaking. I turn back, and to my horror, my brother was just staring at me. Without a moments notice he rushed downstairs to tell mom what I was doing. and I thought to myself, "You're fucked up now boy".
Then I cleaned up and didnt go downstairs to confront my brother or mom. But that night, she called me for dinner(like usual). So after I dinner and washed my dishes and hands I proceeded to watch movies with my mom and bro(the asshole). Then after watching some programs, I started to get drowsy I stood up and was about to proceed when it happened, "THE SEX TALK".
My mother then called me and into my room. Where she said that it was perfectly normal for a healthy teenager and lots of other shit. And from that day onwards she stopped hugging me. It just feels so awkward when trying to hug my mother. Cause of a dick move from my brothers part, guess what no fucking warm motherly hugs till this day .
and it still bother me to whack infront of a mirror.
khalidhaddad: what your brother didnt tell you is he most likely attempted to do what you were doing later that night
Ohhellnaa: haha..maybe i guess..
We will never know
| 3 | 8 | |
1408451971 | 1408495517 | t3_2dz776 | t5_2to41 | 120 | pffftyagassed: TIFU by blocking my ex on my GFs Facebook
I would've posted this two days ago when it happened, but my nerves were shot and I had a million other things on my mind. Here it goes.
Backstory: About 4 years ago, I dated this girl for a year or so and was cheated on several times with a few different people. Broke that skank off and went about my business. She tried for months and months to get me back but I wouldn't have any bit of her. Fast forward 2 years and she's now engaged and has a kid. She texts me asking if I could take pictures of her daughter at the park and I accept. Money is money, right? I get to the park and I could already tell something was a little fishy because she kept being extremely flirty and eventually started talking about her relationship problems. I packed up my camera gear and noped the fuck out of there. A few days later, she shows up at my grandma's house where I was hanging out. Her house sits on a very busy street and I guess she saw my car parked out front and stopped by. Next thing I know this nutbag is standing in the basement living room and trying to talk about her relationship problems AGAIN. I respectfully decline and say I have to help with yard work and she should probably go because it'll be boring. She acts like it's no big deal to wait for me so I straight up tell her to bounce. She gets super emotional and leaves.
A year or two later, I start dating my present day GF. Ex texts a buddy and asks for my number and states that she is single again. Blah blah blah. I get on my current GFs facebook behind her back and block her because the ex is spiteful and will likely try something to get me back.
Fast forward a little over a month ago (from present day). The same buddy of mine texts me saying my ex is propositioning him and he wants it... BAD. In my slightly intoxicated state, I respond "Yeah, I wouldn't mind hitting that again too". Thinking about what the fuck I just said, I quickly redact my statement and tell him how much I don't and that was just a dumb thought and that I love my girlfriend (whom is the mother of my newborn) and our family more than anything. The thought of being with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach.
Fast forward to two nights ago. I wake up to my iPhone being thrown in my face shortly after midnight. I'm knocked on Benadryl so it's difficult for me to comprehend what's going on at the moment. As my senses come to, I hear my girlfriend screaming how done we are and that I'm a lying POS, etc etc. She got on her Facebook and noticed that my ex was blocked and then went through my phone to figure out if I was contacting her. She's not the jealous type and hasn't ever snooped through my phone prior to this, AFAIK. It was generally a REALLY good relationship. We live together and just signed for a car this past Saturday. She came across the text to the friend saying I wanted to smang the ex and even though I redacted the statement with several "I would never cheat"-esque messages, she is still furious. She is hardly speaking to me and hasn't hugged or kissed me in two fucking days. I've attempted to explain myself as best I can to no avail. I'm a nervous wreck and can't keep anything down. My family may be broken up at this point and that's the last thing I want. She's broken up with me and says she doesn't know if she can get over it. Fuck my life.
TL;DR blocked stalker ex on GFs FB. GF thinks I'm hiding something. Fuck.
Edit: I GOT A KISS!
trippinpeacock: You fucked up you should've just told her
Boners_from_heaven: Amen to that brother. Full disclosure is the way to go in a relationship, especially when it can potentially come back and fuck you from behind like a burly inmate.
GothAnnie: Yep... yep...
baowolf123: I just got a message from my crazy ex sending me a picture of a positive pregnancy test and how her current boyfriend won't do anything about it and I showed my wife this and she said "as long as she don't start in on my baowolf123" and I said never now it's like nothing ever happened.
| 5 | 24 | |
1408452084 | 1408546615 | t3_2dz7by | t5_2to41 | 6,123 | Mr_Mackey_: TIFU by showing my erect penis to my girlfriends entire family
My girlfriend has been on holidays for the last couple of weeks. It kinda sucked because it was our five month anniversary (which she took quite seriously). So we were texting and things started getting suggestive (or at least I think they were) and then she sends a message saying "hey babe skype me I have a surprise for you!" We have done skype sexy time before and that's where I thought this was leading. So I flopped it out and skyped her my erect penis taking up the entire screen. Then when she answered it was her entire family: mum, dad and two little sisters (7&9) there yelling in unison "happy anniversary" I freaked out and slammed the laptop shut. I since have received two messages from my girlfriend (soon to be ex I imagine) saying "what the fuck was that?!!" And "ANSWER ME!!"
It is the a definite dumbest thing I've ever done. I kinda wanna die right now.
Edit: I know it's kinda weird that we celebrate each month but yeah I guess we're pretty young. Five months is pretty long for high school couples so yeah.
I still haven't heard anything from her except another text just saying "?" I don't have the balls to reply.
UPDATE: So I decided to man up and text her back, it was the most awkward conversation ever! But it ended with her saying "maybe we should take a break when I get back" I should change the title to "TIFU by showing my erect penis to my ex-girlfriends entire family.
upvote_queen: What are you, 15? The only people I know who celebrate their monthly "anniversaries" are in middle or high school.
tweak17emon: something small like a nice dinner out for the first 6 month celebration is not uncommon. but damn, every month? fuck that noise.
[deleted]: A nice dinner every month is "noise"? Geez, are you people not enjoying your relationship at all? What is the problem with celebrating every now and then.
tweak17emon: a mandatory 'celebration' of being together for 30 days is kinda sad. ill treat my lady to a nice dinner out for no god damn reason other than to be nice and have a good evening instead.
[deleted]: That's nice and all, but some of us have busy lives. It makes ot easier and ensures that we make time for ourselves if we set a certain date evey month or whatever to go out and have a good time. That doesn't mean that it's less heartfelt, less fun or less romantic. All that means is that we have a schedule.
tweak17emon: you make it work with a schedule. i work days (8-5), gf works evenings (4-midnight). we still find tons of time to hang out, spend time together, and whatnot.
[deleted]: Kudos. Running our own business, fostering several animals at a time and renovating our house isn't the same as working a 40 hour work week. But as long as you feel superior for not setting a specific date to have fun, good for you. I guess you must not plan vacations or anything in advance, that would be silly, right?
tweak17emon: actually we love taking impromptu trips. planning is for squares :)
[deleted]: Aww, well whatever floats your boat. Judging other people's relationships because they're different than yours is a sure sign of maturity.
tweak17emon: im not judging, just offering another point of view. no where did i bag or put down anybody elses ideals or efforts, or tell them they are doing something wrong. 'fuck that noise' is just my expression of uninterest towards having to celebrate every month of a relationship. :)
[deleted]: "Planning is for squares". But no judgement, right?
tweak17emon: you trying to find a fight? cause my sarcasm and one liners are being taken way to seriously obviously.
[deleted]: It's not hard to find a fight with you, apparently. A celebration of spending 30 days together is sad, a nice dinner more than once every six months is "noise" and now planning is for squares. If you're trying to be funny, don't quit your day job.
| 14 | 437.357143 | |
1408473749 | 1408474894 | t3_2dz9xs | t5_2to41 | 5 | obi_wan_knobie: Rightfully so for him on both counts there. I would drop my "best friend"over that in a heartbeat, along with my girlfriend.
avesteph: But it was fully my fault and if there's anyone to blame it's me. I would risk my relationship with him but I don't want to do anything to their friendship. So I'm truly lost, I know I really do know I fucked up, I just don't know how to fix it.
tyes77: Tell him the truth. If thier friendship can't last over some girl then its not much of a friendship. I WOULD want to know if i were in his shoes.
avesteph: Well thank you I guess
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1408454368 | 1408476840 | t3_2dzaeb | t5_2to41 | 114 | xndrz: TIFU by buying flowers for my wife
There comes a time in every mans' life where he needs to go out and buy flowers for his wife POST HASTE.
You just have no time to lose, you get in the car and drive as fast as you can to your local florist. This was such a time.
So I'm at the town square across the florist, looking for a parking spot and there simply is none, I drive around and drive around and yes! I missed it before! There is one tiny cramp ass spot left that my Ford Focus can barely fit into, but it *will* fit.
So as I parked the car and wanted to get out, I noticed I could barely get out of the car. I'm a hungry skeleton, so that'll give you some idea as to how tight that spot was. The other problem was, I went into the spot from the rear, while the car next to it was head first. So our drivers seats were right next to each other.
Thinking I'd risk it, I ran into the shop, bought a nice bouquet for the wife and ran back to the parking lot to witness a 65 year old woman with what looked like a bad hip try to wiggle her way into her car, cursing the owner of certain Ford Focus automobile.
I panicked. Sure! I could have gone over and apologized, offered to remove my car for her so she could get in but I was to ashamed. A grown man, not able to park a car properly? What is this madness!
So I did what any normal person in my situation would do, I just kept walking. I kept walking and pretended I was going some place else.
After about 5 minutes of walking in circles I decided it was time to go back to my car and deliver these flowers to my wife, but now. Oh god, the 65 year old woman is in the car and is struggling to drive out of her parking space because she fears she'll hit my car.
I stand there looking in disbelief and she noticed me, my jaw dropped to the floor as I was standing there like an idiot holding flowers.
The woman started yelling at me "Who parks are car like this? I Can't get out! What kind of an idiot wo--" "Not me! It's not my car!" I shouted. I don't know why, I panicked even more. Then she begged me to help her out. I dropped my flowers to the floor and guided the woman out of her space, waved her off as she grumbled some obscenity about the owner of that Ford Focus.
As she drove off, I went for another stroll, waited another 5 minutes and got the fuck in my car and drove off hoping no one else saw me.
I never felt so ashamed for going outside, I gave my wife her fucking flowers and told her that next time, she'll just get a box of chocolates.
**EDIT:** typos/formatting
**EDIT part deux:** I was in between the lines. Just very close to the border because the person next to me was on the lines, the lady had the same circumstances.
RussellLawliet: Surely the problem was the parking, not the flowers?
tyes77: Op is in denial and blames everything but himself.
monkeypunchluff: Provided OP was within the lines, it would be the parking-lot owners fault for cramming spaces too close together, no?
rob_var: I love places that have double lines, less chance of my car getting smacked by some idiot's door. Parking further away makes no difference there is always some assshit with a crappy car who needs to park right next to my well maintained car even when there are several spaces open
BigBobsBootyBarn: This is seriously no lie, I'm starting to wonder if people do it on purpose. Every time I go to my car that's parked 7 miles from nowhere, there's some queef stain in a 1982 cutlass supreme with a non color matching door...RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
| 6 | 19 | |
1408455833 | 1408459000 | t3_2dzckz | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my dad and brother my dildo
Alright let me preface this by saying that yes, Im a girl btw. Anyways reddit.com, One night Im just sitting here playing TF2 (collecting hats). And all the sudden I have the urge to make fap-time with myself (masturbate) Anyways, I go to my room and pull out my vibrator but it was out of batteries what the bells i mutter to myself I had just put new ones in what is this... So I walk out into the living room to grab batteries and my Dad is out there fixing the xbox with my brother since he tried to mod it to do 1-hit kill shots in Watchdogs. Thats when it dawns on me... OH CRAP MY VIBRATOR IS STILL IN MY HAND! My brother looks at me with a face to render his confusion. My dad looks up rubbing the gaming oil off his fingertips and rumples his mustache in displeasure/confusion as well. And thats when possibly the greatest dad joke was born... I said "Hey guys just uh throwing this thing out I found it in the hallway I guess a previous attendant left it (we've been living in the apartment for 2 years... crap again) Then my dad just nods his head side-to-side and says. "Son, if your sister does anything like that again let me know so I can-" JUST THEN! Our dog Dusty barks and runs in with a fish in his mouth. and my dad says "-get that fishy apparatus outta here" ROFL! (Now read the sentence in total and relate it to the situation I think you will be disturbingly surprised at that reddit! Anyways things calmed down this was yesterday and I haven't fapped since actually subscribed to nofap and just been reading that and playing zelda lately. Anybody else like star wars?
tyes77: Who doesn't like star wars?!
framelessframes: I don't :) I think the reason is that I grew up in a place and time that Star Wars could not be advertised so I didn't get involved with it in my childhood. I tried to watch it later but just didn't like it :D
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408459335 | 1408460814 | t3_2dzib4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By letting my SO's sister use my phone
MasterBBVD: I don't understand what the issue is? Unless your SO's sister has secret feelings for you or something like that... to me it sounds off
XPVids: I think it is that OP's SO said she wanted time alone with him, and her sister misinterpreted that as 'time away from my sister.'
| 3 | 2 | |
1408457183 | 1408475416 | t3_2dzep4 | t5_2to41 | 26 | LookAround: TIFU by looking for clothes naked after a shower.
This happened recently and I've only told one friend about what happened before attempting to wipe my memory of the event.
I got out of the shower and went to my room. My window is on the first floor of a house that is shared with 3 other families and the window faces the lot. Well, my one neighbor -- the fiance' of one of the guy-neighbors -- was apparently outside smoking a cigarette when I dropped my towel and walked around my small room in an attempt to find some sort of outfit.
The blinds were closed except for 2 rows which were turned sideways. I didn't realize this 'til I heard a whistle followed by an 'oh yeah'. My eyes shifted to the 2 open shades and I peered past them.
I met eyes with the neighbor-girl as she hit her cigarette once more, eye-lasers beaming through me. I dashed behind my table as my face flushed and hid their for a good 60-seconds before crab-walking my way to the blinds to close them.
I've crossed paths with her since (kind of hard not to) and I can't help but notice a far away look in her eyes when we do.
I might have to leave home forever.
8BitPoro: Didn't read as soon as I saw the troll-bar.
EDIT: Will read when fixed.
LookAround: Idk how that happened.
binomial_surd: It happened because you started each paragraph with spaces. (Read the formatting help.) Spaces signal that you are entering "computer code" which should be displayed exactly as you type it. That also caused the font style to change.
TL:DR Formatting help - read it.
LookAround: *Sigh*
binomial_surd: Sorry, didn't mean to make you sigh. I was a little brusque. It is a common problem and you said you didn't know what caused it. I was just trying to explain and tried to be funny by adding the TL:DR. It seems to have backfired and instead of being funny was slightly insulting.
I'm sorry!
Also, I laughed at your story.
LookAround: You were very helpful.
8BitPoro: So fix it :(
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1408457308 | 1408467731 | t3_2dzewi | t5_2to41 | 10 | arghhpirater: TIFU by dropping some weights in the gym
icarusflewtooclose: Sounds like you didn't follow the rule of never having more than a 45 pound difference on either side of the bar when loading and unloading.
[deleted]: This. Though you're usually fine with anything up to a 90lb difference so long as you pull the bar hilt right up to rack.
Alternatively, lrn2unload
icarusflewtooclose: I always go with 45 just to be on the safe side. I am no physics guy so I couldn't tell you the maximum difference.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1408461398 | 1408470598 | t3_2dzlua | t5_2to41 | 14 | RUM_King: TIFU by having sex
Heres the back story: I fell in love with this girl a week before she left for college. We both agreed that while we were away from our home town, that we would be separated, and that when we returned for summer and winter vacation we would be together once more.
She was the first girl I had sex with, but I didn't fall in love because we had sex, I fell in love with her, and her personality. When she left for college,the following 2 weeks were the worst of my life. Every day the urge to text or call, to have some sort of connection with her was eating me up alive. My friends advised me to just let her go, but i still texted her, which brought on more pain and suffering. I turned to weed and alcohol to get over her. I started getting high and drunk on a daily basis for 5-8 days. It worked. I could finally go a day without texting her, or thinking about her. I had finally let her go. After I had let her go, I went to a party and had a one night stand. Meaningless sex.
Last night, while I was drunk, we talked and it came out that I had sex with another woman already. And I stupidly used the excuse that it was "to get over her". Which it was, that was my way of saying that our relationship is over until this winter, that I had finally moved on. And now I might have fucked up my relationship with a girl I'm in love with because I had sex too early.
This morning I cried after reading the messages of last night. I haven't cried in ages. I was sad that I could loose this girl and that I had hurt her and lost her trust. I asked this morning if we were over, and she responded " I dont know."
Thanks for letting me share the fuck up of my life.
*EDIT*
sorry for the delay, she texted back. We are still together for now. But i am giving her space. Thank you for all the comments
MasterBBVD: Send her the link to this post
RUM_King: you think thats a real good idea? Right now im just trying to give her space and see what comes of it.
MasterBBVD: Dunno bud, life's full of regrets... but the worst ones are where you think to yourself "I wish I'd done more"
The other option is to sit your ass down and write a long letter to her... explain your thinking, explain the situation and then apologize like a motherfucker... be strong on your delivery, no "my world is gonna end if I'm not with you" shit but more of the "you're the most amazing woman I've ever met. I fell in love with you and I couldn't get you out of my mind. When you left I was in a drunken stooper trying to deal with the emotions that overwhelmed me, emotions I've never dealt with before. I fucked up, I realize that now. The reason why I did what I did doesn't matter because out hurt you and no reason will change that no matter how valid it might seem. I'm sorry and if you choose to stay with me, I promise to be the man, your man, that you want and need"
HashyFF: I agree with Master. If you don't open up and make a genuine attempt to make things better, you may end up regretting it the rest of your life. I have been in a similar situation and I regret my inaction every day of my life.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1408460893 | 1408609847 | t3_2dzkzr | t5_2to41 | 29 | watchesyousleep: [TIFU] by having sex with my gf before cloning my penis (nsfw)
I am moving overseas in a couple of days and the girl I have been seeing is staying behind. Our sex life has been so good I told her I would make a copy of my penis with one of the Clone-a-Willy kits.
We had the kit all set up and ready to go, but she got sleepy last night and we decided to take care of it in the morning.
Fast forward to 4 am...she wakes me up and is giving me all the signals. I know we should be doing the molding kit, but the situation got the best of us and well...it didn't get molded.
When we wake up in the morning we decide it would be a good time to make that cock. I start watching porn and jerking off to get ready, and she's mixing the materials.
This is when I fuck things up. I don't know if anyone has ever done one of these but the pressure to stay hard is pretty heavy. She tells me I have 2 minutes! There was something about the time limit that sent me into a psychological tail spin. My brain started thinking about the money I would waste if I didn't stay hard, and the disappointment of my girl...
it was all too much to bear mentally. Now I just have a tube filled with hard plaster molding, and I don't have time to get another one before I leave. I'm out $50 and have taken a mental blow to the head (pun intended)
TL;DR Had sex before cloning my penis and psyched myself out of an erection.
Blackbirdrx7: Stop thinking about anything other than sex with her when you clone it.
Also, if you're into it, eat her out while it's getting cloned. Or have her play with / suck on your balls. Or even both at the same time in 69! You'll stay harder for longer. ;)
mnem0syne: You have to maintain it really carefully in tube for it to work. Any activities moving it around just wouldn't be feasible for it to come out right.
Blackbirdrx7: Seriously? That just sounds like a pain rather than having fun with your S/O.
mnem0syne: Pretty much. Also if you're like most men and have pubic hair it will get stuck into plaster around base of peen. Horrifying.
Blackbirdrx7: Nah I shave it all, no guard. I don't like it when she has hair so I extend the same courtesy. Why should one partner floss? Lol.
Seriously though, it's a nightmare. I can't imagine getting hairs plucked after all that. They definitely need to make a new method for all this.
On another note, my gf and I were thinking of trying this. Thanks for the insight, I'll think twice about it.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1408461959 | 1408547933 | t3_2dzmw2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | lonely4uonly: TIFU by texting my Ex
Went through a bad breakup, trying to follow the 12 steps on EXaholics.com, one of them is no-contact but I fucked up and texted my Ex and now I'm back to square one
VanQDoN: How old are you my friend?
lonely4uonly: 20
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408440298 | 1408499338 | t3_2dyvey | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling off a bike
I always come to TIFU and say, wow, I'm glad my life isn't as bad as that person's, but the day before yesterday, I fell off a two person bike. We're in China for vacation, and at Xi'an they built a big wall long ago. There's a bike rental at the top so you can bike on the wall, and we got two two person bikes, and one one person. I was behind my dad on a two person bike. I realized that, because I wasn't steering, I could take my hands off. Just perfectly, we had a camera and we had to take some pictures, right? So I volunteered and a bit later, I don't really know what happened, I fall off the bike. I'm hanging upside down and I'm yelling for my dad to stop. He stops really quickly, but I already have multiple bruises, I don't know it but I'm bleeding onto my underwear, not heavily, and I've broken the camera so you can't auto focus anymore. My mom, brother, and older cousin are up ahead so they don't know any of this yet. Yeah, I fucked up pretty badly. I have bruises everywhere now.
TL;DR:I fell off a bike, broke a camera,gave myself multiple bruises, and started bleeding
amosni: Whatever dude thats nothing compared to some of the emotional scars ive seen on this sub
[deleted]: Go say that on a pooping in your pants post. My mom gave me short pants to wear, and mosquito bites do not go well with bruises. We forgot to rent helmets too.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1408461833 | 1408483161 | t3_2dzmo1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | thebeachteen: TIFU by not staying on the beach (overthinking about girls)
Okay so this happened over the course of the last half hour. so my mom, younger brother, and I are at the beach. We're leaving today and my bro and I are getting one last swim in. Now, what I'm going to tell you what happened is a small, seemingly insignificent event, however it's part of a much bigger picture. See, I'm a 15 year old guy, and I'm quite socially... quiet, I don't talk much except with my good friends, of which I have like 3. I've never had a girlfriend, and haven't even been close, I don't even have any good friends that are girls. Okay, se we're on the beach and while passing the football with my bro, I'm on the lookout for girls, cause you never know when you'll meet "the girl"... So it comes time when we have to go, and while drying off/gathering my stuff I notice this rather pretty girl my age sit down about 20ft down the beach. My mom is asking "are you sure you want yo leave, heck, we could stay another night even". But I just say no cause I felt that I should get home and get ready for school. I go up to the room to take a shower while my mom and brother take one last dip in the hottub. Our room has an ocean view, so I look out and I notice that same girl, now in a bikini. So of course I can't help it and watched as she dived into the water, after a while she got out and got a boogie board to ride the waves. Now is when I start thinking... " there's no reason why I couldn't have stayed out there.." If I had stayed out there for just 10 minutes longer, and if I kept my brothers boogie board with me, it would have been as simple as going up to her, asking what her name was, and challenge her to she who could ride the waves further. But nope, I'm stuck up here in this room, wanting to punch myself for my fuck up. It would have been so easy...
Now here's the hard part... I have to drive for three hours back home, and guess what I'll be thinking about? Yup. Her. A girl I don't even know! I fucking hate being a teen guy, small things like this will drag me down to a depressing state for days. Thats the real fuck up, having hormones or whatever.
BTW this is my first post on Reddit, I've been a lurker for months, and I just want other people to understand my frustration.
Good day.
kwyjiboner: Hindsight is always 20/20, especially when it comes to women.
You'll encounter this more and more as you grow up. You'll find yourself going over conversations and realize that a girl was hitting on you, hard, but you just thought she was being friendly. Then you'll kick yourself for missing the signals. But at the end of the day, you can't hold on to missed opportunities, it's just a recipe for a deep seated psychosis.
thebeachteen: Thanks for the quick reply, and I'm sorry for the late reply lol. We've been traveling back home.
Yeah, I completely understand that these situations will happen often, and now that it's been a couple hours I almost don't care about her anymore. She will however be in the back of my mind for the next couple weeks I'm sure. I believe that when I wrote this, I didn't realize the true fuck up, and it's not my fault. The problem here was that I was in the right place, however at the wrong time. If she arrived earlier, or if we stayed later, I have no doubt that I'd try to start a conversation with her. But I just missed her, and that thought is what really brings me down. Especially since she just seemed so perfect, with her looks, the way she acted, everything. I'll try not to think about this, I've been in situations like this before amd have forgotten about them, so I do think that after a couple days, if not by tomorrow, this will be off my mind.
| 3 | 2 | |
1408463289 | 1408549470 | t3_2dzpca | t5_2to41 | 308 | Shamed-I-Am-Dumb: TIFU by masturbating in an office bathroom prior to my job interview.
As a confidence technique on job interviews I find out who will be interviewing me, I find a picture of them online, I print it, and I masturbate onto the picture. I know it sounds silly but it gives me a psychological boost of sorts. During the interview I keep thinking of what I did to their image, and it is kind of hard to be intimidated by somebody if you came all over them a few minutes ago.
Male or female interviewer it doesn't matter, it's not necessarily sexual it's a dominance thing.
Well I really screwed up recently. I was in the office bathroom a few minutes prior to my interview, doing my technique, and I somehow don't hear the bathroom door open. So somebody is in there, and they surely hear me masturbating. I walk out and I am horrified to see a person at the sink turn around and stare at me. Then I saw him look horrified. He was looking at what was in my hands. It was a picture of him, covered in semen. He was the guy who was going to interview me.
I just dropped the picture and literally ran out. I didn't bother trying to do the interview. I left.
I am so humiliated I am crying and raging like a fool. Why did I do it.
[deleted]: Why would you walk out with the picture in hand? Not even crumpled,not thrown in the toilet,but neatly held in your hand? I call bullshit
[deleted]: I don't agree with the "bullshit" statement, but the rest I do. Why would you walk out of a toilet with a picture of someone with cum all over it? Doesn't make sense. Even if you didn't hear someone come in, there would be a good chance someone maybe in there and it is still fucked up carrying a picture of anyone, let alone an employee, with your semen over it. What were you going to do it after? Put it in your pocket? Put it in the bin without screwing it up? Even then, the whole thing is fucking mental. Fair enough being nervous and wanting the interviewers to be less intimidating, but its a massive stretch to wanking over pictures of their faces. That is serial killer stuff. Please, you need to get help.
Jimmyjim12: I think someone who cums on pictures of people at his potential place of work isn't going to be thinking that far ahead.
Shamed-I-Am-Dumb: It's harmless and helpful to cum on such pictures. Why do you judge it?
[deleted]: Harmless? Your ejaculating onto pictures of people's faces while in their place of employment. I would be very creeped out if I was the guy who caught you, if it was a female employee I would consider contacting the police regarding this. I am not saying this is a crime, but it would be troubling to me that someone would do that and it would worry me they would escalate this behaviour to something even more sinister. I can't believe you think it is harmless, how would you feel if it was your sister or mother or brother that someone was doing this too?
Shamed-I-Am-Dumb: The police?! The police would be like "...What the fuck do you want us to do?" There is nothing remotely illegal about this. They'd laugh at your face.
Getting caught in an awkward situation is not illegal. Do you comprehend laws? It's weird you'd even mention police in such a context.
By the way, the location (office bathroom) might be weird, but people jack off to pictures of people they know all the time. Especially with social media. It is a constant thing. Most people do it. In an office bathroom, sure, I admit it's odd. But I stand by the fact that it is completely harmless, and actually I am offended you would think otherwise. I would never even consider harming a person.
Fuck off.
[deleted]: You're masturbating in a public bathroom, that IS illegal! On top of that, if I went to the police and explained I caught a member of the public in a company bathroom masturbating and ejaculating onto a picture of a female employee, they would NOT just say "... what the fuck do you want us to do?". They would take a statement and speak to you directly, they may not press charges in regards to criminal activity, they would keep the statement on file as a dossier of behaviour in case things escalated.
Yeah, people masturbate to pictures all the time, but in the privacy of their own home. They do not go interviews and masturbating and cum over pictures of futures employers then carry around the bathroom!
Yes, I do comprehend laws, you on the other hand clearly do not! The fact that you do this and think it is OK just shows how much your judgement is impaired!
Also, as most of the comments in this thread think you're a least a bit weird in doing this just goes to show you're in the minority thinking this is perfectly acceptable behaviour. Grow up and get some help.
Shamed-I-Am-Dumb: I really do not think it is illegal to jerk it in a bathroom stall. Frowned upon, but illegal? How can it be legal do pull down your pants and defecate in a stall but be illegal to jerk your cock in there? Makes no sense.
[deleted]: It is illegal.
Shamed-I-Am-Dumb: Why would it be? Do you know the reason? It seems very bizarre that you can shit and urinate in a stall but it's somehow illegal to jerk it.
[deleted]: It is a lewd act that will outrage public decency. In your scenario it would mean sex in a public bathroom is legal. There is a reason George Micheal got arrested....
Shamed-I-Am-Dumb: If you are in a stall though you are behind a closed door. There is an implication of privacy. If it's private enough to take a dump I think it's private enough to jerk cock.
[deleted]: No. You're not in a private residence, you're in a public residence or commercial property. It is illegal.
Shamed-I-Am-Dumb: I don't know about this. I am doing some researching and I am seeing that there has to be proof that you know somebody else is there who could be offended, and also I think a closed bathroom stall can easily be construed as NOT a place open to public view.
http://www.shouselaw.com/engage-lewd-conduct.html#1.3
An interesting case. I think you are wrong and if nobody else is in the bathroom it is not even relevant. However, you do make a point that some people can be extremely sensitive and overzealous about harmless behavior behind a closed bathroom stall, and to avoid reprecussions from such fanatics it could be safer indeed to do the technique at home.
[deleted]: No, you're wrong. There does not need to be someone there to be offend. The way it works is if the act CAN cause offense, not whether someone is offended or not. On top of this, I think someone would find it very offensive to see that you have cum over a picture of their face.
Please, just understand it is illegal and you need to stop doing it.
Shamed-I-Am-Dumb: Let it go man. You obsessed? Chillax.
[deleted]: What?! Go find a picture of me and masturbate over it, I am sure that is what you're leading up to.
Shamed-I-Am-Dumb: Say now, I only do that for job interviews. If you're hiring let me know but otherwise I will not be doing that, sorry!
| 19 | 16.210526 | |
1408462667 | 1408786136 | t3_2dzo69 | t5_2to41 | 132 | underyourbed92: TIFU by visiting a girl I was seeing, who was staying in her sisters apartment
This happened around this time a year ago. I was seeing this girl. We were pretty much in love, but because we had only been dating for two months and I was leaving town to continue studying, we agreed to kill off the relationship at the end of the summer.
Another reason for killing off the relationship was because I knew her sister, and she hated us. Her sister and I were in the same class in high school and we were very good friends. She sort of found out that I had been hanging out with her little sister in a bad way and hated every bit of it. We tried to hush everything down. If she found out we had sleeping with her sister too, I have no idea what she would have done.
So, it was the end of the summer and my girlfriend was attending a pre-course at college. She was staying in her sisters apartment because she did not have any place to live yet, and her sister was not there herself. The apartment was shared with two other girls who I also knew well from high school. They were not there either, so we found out I could stay there a couple of days before I had to leave for the summer. As a final goodbye. We had made sure no one were going to show up these days because it might had led to world war three.
Everything was cool and we were fooling around in her sisters bed. Suddenly she gets an text from the sister. The other girls living there are coming in a couple of minutes to move some furniture. OH SHIT, I HAVE TO GET OUT HERE. I got dressed in a hurry and took a quick look out the window. FUCK. There they were, walking down the street. The apartment were on the 4th floor with only one staircase leading in or out. There was no way I could get out without them seeing me. OH SHIT.
I had to hide. The other rooms in the apartment were not safe because I had no idea what they are moving in or what they are going to do. The closet was too small. FUCK. Just seconds before they enter the apartment I tried to hide under the bed. Being a normally sized boy I could not fit my chest under the low bed. I was stuck. My girlfriend pushed all the bedsheets over me and asked me to be quiet. She sat in the bed and pretended to be reading when they enter. They said hello, talked for a few seconds before the two girls began to do their stuff. All good. I heard more voices in the hall. WTF. Turns out they brought their parents as well. And a couple of other friends. They were going to assemble a bed, a table and do some cleaning. I had to hide for a looong time.
And a long time it was. I hid for almost five hours. During these five hours I was hot as fuck because of the bedsheets covering my entire body with cloths on, and my face. In addition I got small panic attacks from time to time because I was completely stuck and I could not catch my breath because of the low bed is hindering my chest from moving.
I guess it could have been worse. They left without ever caching me. However, I was stuck with the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my back. My chest had a weird blue line across it and I had trouble taking deep breaths for weeks.
The things you do for love.
bigwaffleman: Should have run up the stairs to the fifth floor then run back down when they got inside their apartment.
underyourbed92: Yeah, this accrued to me while I wrote this TUFI. Not sure if any of us ever thought of this or if the 4th floor was the top one. However I was in panic at this time.
underyourbed92: Holy crap, I wrote this answer while drunk. TUFI WTF!
wontonspecial: You mean TIFU. :)
| 5 | 26.4 | |
1408463668 | 1408486690 | t3_2dzq25 | t5_2to41 | 22 | Throwaway75024: TIFU by Ejaculating.
So I had not done this for a few days as I was away, so I figured last night I'd get it over with. However, once I did it, a tiny little bit must have got onto my bed quilt.
So before I went to sleep I had an itch in my eye - so I rubbed my eye with my quilt. When I woke up - I had a massive sty and I still do in my eye - probably from my semen.
TL;DR - Ejaculated onto bed by accent, rubbed eye with bed clothes + have massive sty in my eye.
modus666: i um... i dont think that would cause a sty
modus666: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090110123105AAcWXQp
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1408463734 | 1408470499 | t3_2dzq6u | t5_2to41 | 2 | Master_Angler: TIFU by playing TF2
Alright let me preface this by saying that yes, Im a girl btw. Anyways reddit.com, One night Im just sitting here playing TF2 (collecting hats). And all the sudden I have the urge to make fap-time with myself (masturbate) Anyways, I go to my room and pull out my vibrator but it was out of batteries what the bells i mutter to myself I had just put new ones in what is this... So I walk out into the living room to grab batteries and my Dad is out there fixing the xbox with my brother since he tried to mod it to do 1-hit kill shots in Watchdogs. Thats when it dawns on me... OH CRAP MY VIBRATOR IS STILL IN MY HAND! My brother looks at me with a face to render his confusion. My dad looks up rubbing the gaming oil off his fingertips and rumples his mustache in displeasure/confusion as well. And thats when possibly the greatest dad joke was born... I said "Hey guys just uh throwing this thing out I found it in the hallway I guess a previous attendant left it (we've been living in the apartment for 2 years... crap again) Then my dad just nods his head side-to-side and says. "Son, if your sister does anything like that again let me know so I can-" JUST THEN! Our dog Dusty barks and runs in with a fish in his mouth. and my dad says "-get that fishy apparatus outta here" ROFL! (Now read the sentence in total and relate it to the situation I think you will be disturbingly surprised at that reddit! Anyways things calmed down this was yesterday and I haven't fapped since actually subscribed to nofap and just been reading that and playing zelda lately. Anybody else like star wars?
Voyager5555: This is the third fucking time, we get it, you carry your vibrator around the house.
Master_Angler: Well maybe if it got more upballots I wouldn't have to keep posting it.
Voyager5555: You have to be fucking kidding.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1408465352 | 1408468226 | t3_2dztag | t5_2to41 | 13 | magdalenaasilos: TIFU by ___________ sexually ____________ my _______'s ________ sexual.
UWbadger23: TIFU so bad reddit... I was at my parents house and I came with my dog so my mom did heroine . Fuck....
To explain, a couple years ago I met my dog through a porn websiteand my grandma was over my parents house. Things got sexual and we started humping pretty hot and heavy. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to fuck on the dogs bed and my grandma was into it. So needless to say, I go for it.
What happens is...well....embarrassing to say the least. Sex is sexual and everyone watched all over the sex and then my grandma was very sexy too, she was lively as well. Needless to say my parents watched the sex right as I come so grandma grabs my dog and dick and low and behold I come all over both of them right in front of my parents, sex. Now I can't look at my dog the same way. It's a common joke in my family now that whenever I walk the dog they associate it with grandma/animal sex and agree it was so fucking sexual. I can only hope things will get better. Fuck....
TL;DR: TIFU dog+grandma = sexual.
magdalenaasilos: *slow clap*
UWbadger23: It was quite difficult to maneuver around all the sexs
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408465716 | 1408518129 | t3_2dztz2 | t5_2to41 | 87 | OftenUsesEbonics: TIFU by kinda having sex...... [NSFW]
Disclaimer: This is not a comedic fuck up so if that's what you're looking for, turn back now.
I don't expect this to receive a lot of upvotes but if it does.. no big deal. This is more of an attempt to seek advice than a fuck up. Also, please excuse my terrible writing skills.
I'm a freshman in college. A little background; I was raised in an extremely conservative, closed-minded christian home. I just started college a couple days ago and my fuck up happened last night.
When I arrived to college, the first person I met was my roommate. He's a really cool guy and quite chill. He didn't have any friends yet since he didn't know anyone else that was attending the college before he came. He is also a freshman.
He met a girl and introduced me to her as well. She was amazing. She looked beautiful and her personality was a perfect match to mine.
I started to hang out in her room night after night just talking and watching YouTube videos and such. No big deal.
She had a really annoying roommate that neither me nor her liked.
A day later, the roommate suddenly moved out and she became extremely sad. She cried about it and was really confused about the whole deal. She sorta blamed herself for it even though it was completely not her fault. I felt really bad for her.
I went to hang out with her again (last night) and just talk about how she was feeling because I really liked talking to her and I cared about her feelings.
We both laid on the bed and started to cuddle, but there wasn't too much physical contact. Then, she decided that she was tired and wanted to go to bed, so she changed and climbed back into bed. Seeing that she wasn't wearing a generous amount of clothing, I started to rub her back and it seemed like she enjoyed it. Things went really fast from there. Basically, we did some sexual stuff that I won't go into great deal about (because that is unnecessary and it would make me even more sad).
I thought we were both having an amazing time, but suddenly, she stopped and started apologizing. She didn't really give me a reason, but she had told me before that the two previous relationships that she had were both ruined because the SO's said that she was moving too fast with the relationship.
My fuck up was in that I have no idea what either of us did wrong. I texted her this morning, and saw her walking around campus, but she hasn't texted me back and I'm pretty worried. Should I wait it out? Should I try to talk to her in person? Am I screwed?
I'm hoping that someone with more life experience than me has some advice on what I should do.. Thanks in advance.
TL;DR - (sorta) had sex with my best friend and now I think I've ruined the relationship.
OftenUsesEbonics: If anyone wants to know more details, just ask in the comments and I'll most likely answer your questions. I am also posting this to /r/AskReddit in case this subreddit doesn't wanna deal with my shit.
silencesc: You're good man, just tell her you understand she wants to go slowly and ask her to get coffee or watch a movie and do an actual "date". The problem I had in college is that no one really has money so relationship outings tend to become just hanging out in a dorm or apartment, which can get stale. But she obviously likes you, so you just got to let her get comfortable.
swarmleader: this guy knows whats up
if you think that's to subtle though just go up and tell her you like her a lot and that if she wants to take it slow its fine, and that you really want her as a gf or some shit
OftenUsesEbonics: Thank you both.
silencesc: Don't tell her you want her as a girlfriend right now. Sorry if this is super obvious but you said you grew up fairly sheltered but that's a bigger commitment than just dating or hooking up. Ask her on a real date and go from there, in a couple weeks you'll both know if you want to make it more serious. But honestly man you're totally good. She wouldn't have said that stuff or let you rub her back if you weren't already in, but just don't pressure her.
TriesToMakeYourDay: Adding on to this. Go to a park. Go for a walk. One of my greatest dates I've gone on consisted of walking around the city in twilight. It's a beautiful time of the day, night, whatever. Go to the park. On top of everything, make sure you both understand what speed you do or don't want to move at if you decide to make it a real relationship. Don't rush, but don't sit there and do nothing or else she'll lose interest and leave. Good luck man. PM me if you need any advice or have any questions. I've been around the block a few times and am now a father of a beautiful baby boy.
WordOfGav: I'll piggyback on this thread because I like where it is going. There are a few things that I've learned are important in life (and relationships) - the most important really being **honesty** and **communication**. As simple as these concepts seem, you would be surprised how often they end up being absent.
It sounds like you've just met this girl and you're nervous about the situation because you feel that there's a connection there and you'd like to see it through. Now, there are no guarantees in life. She may feel the same way and that's great - or she may be freaking out about something and for whatever reason isn't into it. That's fine, too.
In this big, fast world of ours we tend to want to move fast and we look for instant gratification. Sometimes we get caught up in a situation and the only way out is to run in the other direction. This isn't new, but I think that the way that things work socially now (instant connection with people, etc) makes it easy for us to forget how to build long-lasting relationships.
This is my advice to you (and I know that some of this is covered by these other rad redditors):
* Ask to speak with her.
If she's ok with speaking, she's allowing communication. This is **BIG**, as communication is the keystone to any interpersonal relationship. If you can't speak and be honest with one another, you're better off with this being a swing-and-a-miss situation.
* Be straightforward.
If you're nervous to talk to her, tell her. If you're confused, tell her. If you feel like she's been ducking you - tell her. As long as you're explicit about your intentions, she should respect that. If you tell her that you're a little scared that you were getting along and she's pushing you away... and she reacts poorly... then at least you know how she feels and you're not stuck in AskReddit trying to figure out women. (Spoiler: We're not going to completely figure them out, nor they us.)
* Make her comfortable explaining herself to you.
If you're willing to hear what she has to say, make sure that she knows that you are and **BE WILLING**. *She's already given you a huge clue - that she's afraid that she has pushed too hard and pushed others away.* Usually when I hear something like that, my initial reaction is to say, "Ok. Well, I'm not any person other than myself. As far as I'm concerned, ________." Don't try to fix her. Just listen and try to understand. (Admittedly, this is hard for me and took a while for me to learn.)
* Take a small step.
As mentioned above, you really can listen to what she has to say and at the same time have an honest conversation. If you meet up somewhere, anywhere, you can always start by listening to her perspective - then once you understand them you say, "Hey. Let's get some fresh air..." or stretch a bit if you're indoors... or whatever excuse to change the scene a bit. The point here is that you're moving forward. You're not trying to take her back to bed - and you're not pushing an agenda... you're getting to know her. Hey, go figure! If you get to this point, you're going to start moving and the blood is going to return to your brain. Hopefully, she's feeling the same way.
* Be OK with 'rejection'
There is no 'template' for dealing with any situation. In some versions of this scenario, you live happily ever after. In others, you end up watching her walk in one direction and you walk in another. The important thing is to remember that whatever the result is - you will have learned something. Hell, isn't that why you're in school? The things that you learn in approaching this situation are not unlike the things that you will learn in your classes... they will change your perspective and hopefully ready you for tomorrow.
Oh... yeah.... and if you get to take that walk.... compliment her. Women love compliments.
| 8 | 10.875 | |
1408466430 | 1408575368 | t3_2dzvbn | t5_2to41 | 15 | slow_one: TIFU - Doing maintenance on an expensive robot... and now it's not working
I started maintenance on a gripper for an expensive robot. Eventually we will be replacing it with a better one... but, as part of that, I needed to remove the original gripper and reattach it (in order to get the procedure down).
I had called the manufacturer, gone through the manual and watched the demonstration video, and proceeded. The gripper came off, wiring was disconnected, and everything was reassembled.
Now it doesn't work.
The blinking status lights came on as they should, but the robot doesn't recognize that its hand has been put back on...
I've already called the manufacturer's support line and they're just as confused as I am.
Maybe I didn't ground myself enough? I don't know... crap. This could be really, really bad.
harmlessmaniac: Have you tried turning it off then back on again?
slow_one: I even checked the button on the side! (it wasn't glowing until I turned it on. I checked.)
I love that show.
nero51: I hate to be a duck but that shtick has been a joke in IT departments waaaay before BBT came out.
slow_one: I know. I used to work support.
nero51: I see what you're doing.
^daps
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1408466819 | 1408487603 | t3_2dzw30 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Johjac: TIFU by telling a guy who has a mutual interest my boobs are too big
Okay this was actually my poor 15 year old daughter who is just starting to date. She was cleaning out her closet and found a top she likes but since she dresses fairly modestly (thank god), she didn't like how her chest looked in it, yes she has big boobs, don't ask. So she took a pic of it and sent it to her friend saying, "my boobs are too big for this, do you want it?", no answer... She thought strange, they were just talking.
She waited a couple minutes and picked up her phone to text her again only to realize she had texted the new hopeful BF. Poor kid was in tears from embarrassment and laughing. I cringed so hard for her.
She texted him back explaining and he gave her a sheepish that's okay kind of text back.
It's kind of a nasty thought, but I realized a picture of MY old shirt, as I had given it to her, has probably now been entered into some kid's spank bank.
kesuaus: how can 15 old have big boobs ?
Guys I am sorry for asking a question was not irrelevant to the conversation I dont get all those downvotes. Read Reddiquette it is right there when you type comment.
Johjac: Really? I was pretty much done growing at 15. Not as blessed as she is but by that age I was pretty much done even in hight, just filled out a bit more over the next few years. Girls grow was sooner than boys.
My 10 year old is already wearing a bra, because she pretty much has too, and has been for almost a year now.
kesuaus: what ?! 13-14 old girls are totaly but totaly breastless, 15 have something but not much , 16 you can tell there is something , 17-18 here they are .
Johjac: Not always. Grade 7-8 "holy crap Johjac has the biggest boobs in school!", Grade 11 "hey Johjac, ever hear of the itty bitty titty club, you must be the president!"
Edit: Itty Bitty Titty Committee, not club, Duh!
caveinlikearainbow: Truth. Kids age faster these days. Way faster. When I was a kid, ONE girl in my 5th grade got her period and wore bras, and she was a novelty.
My daughter just got hers going into 8th grade, and wears an A, and SHE is the novelty.
Her sis is 14 and a C. Girls develop way faster today. And mine eat mainly organic/gmo/preservative/crap free.
blzy79: Genetically modified foods aren't bad
Bnlol1: Yep. Simply being GMO doesn't make a food bad. In fact, GMO is really good for the food industry, as it allows them to produce more, better quality food in a shorter amount of time using less space. The only real downsides so far are their breeding with other crops with unknown effect, but a well maintained farm shouldn't have too much trouble with that i'd hope.
Now this isn't saying being GMO automatically makes a food good either. Some GMO foods are terrible for you i'm sure, but not most of them.
Now i must admit all the knowledge i have on this subject comes from a paper i wrote in 7th grade where all the articles we were given to write had huge anti-GMO bias and i hated how the teacher was essentially brainwashing the entire class into hating GMO, so i went onto the internet and found a bunch of stuff for Pro-GMO.
**This means i know absolutely jack shit about the topic**
Ended up failing the paper for not using the articles she provided as apparently the FDA is less reliable than an Anti-GMO movement's posts and i couldn't use it as a source. Fuck 7th grade science
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1408468628 | 1408469911 | t3_2dzzs4 | t5_2to41 | 27 | prickly_pw: TIFU by Farting at Work
Starting off with a small TIFU, I slept through my alarms and didn't wake up until 6am, which is when I'm supposed to be clocking in, so I ended up being a half an hour late (I live half an hour away).
So the whole time I work I was feeling gassy, and all of my farts seemed like they could've been an extra present along with the obvious mustard gas, so I strategically decided I was going to work next to the bathroom the whole time. After a few hours, my boss told me to go work some stuff to shelves out on the floor because the salesfloor people were short staffed, and me being a good employee, I went out there. That's when the "fun" started to happen, you see, the store had been open for just over an hour now, and there was plenty of customers around so any fart would have to be planned carefully as to not scare everybody away.
I felt a fart coming on, and it wasn't a "Hold on a second, this fart may be more than I'm bargaining for" kind of fart, it was a "This is definitely just flatulence and I have no reason to worry" kind of fart. I then made sure there were no customers nearby that would pass out due to my toxic fumes and let it rip. It was not a fart. Runs, caught in my underwear a little bit, down my leg, smells, soaking into my khakis, gross. I scurry off to the bathroom in the most efficient way of not have the chocolate rain reach my shoes and socks. This is also now a good time to mention that whee my boss has me working was right in the middle of the store, no bathroom within a minute of me.
The whole walk back to the backroom bathroom was difficult, but using my spidey senses, I could hear where customers and co-workers were so I could avoid them the whole way back. I made it to the bathroom with only my boss seeing me. In the bathroom I take off my pants and underwear and sit on the toilet to finish what I started, and I start looking at my underwear. There was no way I was gonna wear those again, so I wrapped them up in paper towels and throw them away. Once off the toilet and cleaned up, I turn my attention to my pants which had a little bit of the not yet dried Hershey soaked into them. I do the best I can with the hand dryer, but not good enough. I then start thinking of excuses to leave. Or should I tell my boss the truth? Nah. Excuse.
I find my boss and tell him that my girlfriend was exploding my phone, so I went to the bathroom to answer it when she told me that she fell down the stairs and think she broke her hand. Success. He let's me leave. Free. Both from having to walk around in my own feces all day, and because I had no underwear.
Moonpiles: TYFU by *sharting. It's a beautiful term coined by Philip Seymour Hoffman, may he rest in peace.
fart gambles are risky business.
prickly_pw: I am familiar with the term, but I figured some other words would be more entertaining and still just as embarrassing to me.
| 3 | 9 | |
1408470257 | 1408525221 | t3_2e0351 | t5_2to41 | 248 | papawells225: TIFU By Trusting My Brother
LIke lots of other TIFU post this didn't actually happen today but I thought people might enjoy.
So I was 6 and my brother was 8 and we found a sledge hammer in the back yard. We proceeded to have sledge hammer fun (smashing insects, rocks, and just generally hitting anything within reach). After a few minutes of sledge bonanza my brother looks at me and says, "You should put your wiener on this stump and let me tap it!" Now it is important to note that when you are 6 and your older brother, who you look up to tells you to do something the answer is always a resounding "YES!" Well as you can imagine an 8 year old is incapable of tapping anything with a sledge hammer because of its weight...... hospital trip ensued and my dick was literally purple for a while.
After reading the AMA with the guy who had his man meat amputated I now feel very lucky.
kapitalistislie: My penis receded to about 6 inches inside me just from reading this.
fapping_4_life: So now you have an 9 inch hole?
mq999: Rekt.
Skullwilliams: U wot m8
| 5 | 49.6 | |
1408470714 | 1408509550 | t3_2e043d | t5_2to41 | 109 | chasewa: TIFU by gingerly tossing my phone on the couch
Everyday when I come home from work, I lightly toss my phone across the room onto the couch, where I intend to sit once I take my pants off. I do this to keep a flow and to save time. I have done this so many times, I have the method, spin, speed, and distance fairly perfect. I realize this is unnecessary.
This time I put a little too much zing on the toss and the phone spiraled 1 foot above my target. It hit the wall just above my couch and dropped behind. My firth thought was oh crap, I hope it isn't busted, that would suck. So I go over to the couch and look behind.
There is about a 2 inch gap between the wall and my couch. I can see it at the bottom, along with 4 years of junk that has somehow collected behind the couch. Half eaten shoes (my jerk dog), candy wrappers, flip flops, socks, a soda can, padded envelopes etc. My couch is quite large and hard to move, so I have to get a broom to sweep the phone to the side a little since I cant fit my arm down. This doesn't work, so I get my wife to help me move the couch.
With some extra help, I move the couch a few inches away and can reach down. I grab the phone and it is unharmed. Sweet.
I look over to my wife, who goes from looking down the crevasse to looking at me. She is hovering over the space where I have been sitting for the past 4 years, with her jaw dropped. I look down and see a bunch of small white/ivory colored pieces of something on the ground. I look closer and it is a giant pile, about 10 inches wide. I reach down to touch them and pick one up.
4 years of finger and toe nail clippings that I have dumped behind the couch while sitting in my spot. It makes it worse because her 1 pet peave is me picking my toe nails on the couch. Now she knows where the clippings went. She was pissed.
tl;dr TIFU by accidentally throwing my phone behind the couch and subsequently revealing my horde of toenail clippings.
i_go_to_uri: You are disgusting and you live in filth, which makes you digusting
chasewa: yeah i know.
ydoc5212: OP takes it like a champ. Spot on, OP.
| 4 | 27.25 | |
1408464980 | 1408493929 | t3_2dzsko | t5_2to41 | 51 | asshat_backwards: TIFU by crop-dusting a really attractive woman and her toddler
I'll start off by saying I'm a Chipotle addict and had my usual carnitas burrito bowl for dinner last night.
This morning, I made a stop at the local shopping center to pick up groceries and a prescription. I'd cut some mean ones already -- car windows were down trying to make it habitable -- and as I was checking out I felt more rumblings.
I hurried out of the store and started walking up the row of vehicles to mine. There were several large SUVs nearest the front of the store; my car was 7th or 8th up the row. As I passed the first of the SUVs, I finally let go of that pent-up miasma of Chipotle-induced intestinal swamp gas -- just as I was passing the gap between the SUVs where this young mom was rolling her toddler out into the lot.
There was no way it didn't hit them full-blast -- the damn thing followed *me* all the way back to the car, and it was barely breathable. I quickly got in and rolled the tinted-glass windows up, and practically peeled out of the lot. Risked a look back through the rear-view ... and sure enough, she was still standing there, staring at me. Part of me wishes it was admiration I saw in her face, but I know horror when I see it.
vickwill13: "A pent-up miasma of Chipotle-induced intestinal swamp gas" raves The New York Times
yabintelgesma: I signed up just to upvote these comments
canadianisarace: Checks out
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1408468229 | 1408670523 | t3_2dzyzp | t5_2to41 | 65 | ughdad: TIFU by getting caught by my dad reading the TIFU post about the dude who showed his erect penis to his girlfriend's entire family
Ok, so not a major fuck-up, but as I'm female and Asian (more conservative culture, my strict dad would never find that post funny or entertaining), I was still inwardly cringing when he entered my room, stood behind me, and looked at my laptop while talking to me. I'm sure he saw the page title at the top of the Safari window. (Didn't have time to open a new tab or close the window.)
Oh well. He could've caught me looking at worse things...
kesuaus: I litteraly do 10 bigger fuck ups everyday.
CommentatorPrime: I'm guessing grammar is one.
Anthrax89: Spelling would be #2.
kesuaus: Sorry , I had about 10 seconds to reply . That might seem a lot but I am not used to writting with my phone . So I smashed all the letters at once , deleted it and then smashed all of them again until I got something that at least appeared like it was written in English. Also English is my 3rd language.
| 5 | 13 | |
1408470640 | 1408480140 | t3_2e03y5 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my crush about my feelings on a phone
A little bit of background first. I recently graduated from High School and in my senior year I had a crush on this junior girl(lets call her Lisa) . I never had the nerve to talk to her so she didn't really know me that well (I was a new student). But during the second semester, through some chain of events, we got closer and kind of started talking to each other. After talking to her, I liked her even more. I was really into her but I wasn't sure if she was single or not. I never saw her with anybody but I thought she had a boyfriend outside of school. Anyways, my best friend who knew Lisa quite well, told me that she was single and he was sure about it. I gained a little confidence after that and I was planning on asking her out.
The next day a friend of Lisa (guy friend) comes to me and asks me if I like Lisa. I say 'yes' and he says, 'well thats good but...'. And then I my heart sinks and I ask him 'but what?'. And then he told me that she is already in a relationship and she has been for quite a long time. My heart just shattered and I don't remember the last time I felt so sad. The damage was done, it was too late, I was already in mad love with her while all this time I was just in the friendzone.
I didn't see her that day and I go straight home. I went for a walk by the river in the evening and tears just roll down my eyes. I always thought being in a relationship was a waste of time and kept my distance from immature relationships. But it was the first time I had had such strong feelings for a girl. And all the time I was actually thinking that I had a chance with her. Anyways, after that I started avoiding her (not completely). I told her I had a job so that I could leave early. But I can't get over it and I am always sad. Every time I am with my friends I am just being there ruining the fun.
**FUCK UP**:
So a few days ago I was with my friends and I am there just staring in space and thinking about her like an idiot. My friends tell me to cheer up and they are all tired of my shit. Out of nowhere, I just take out my phone and I say 'you know what? I should just call her and tell her everything and just move on'. And one of my friend says,' yeah call her and tell her everything about how you feel. She will reject you and you will feel better and move on.' I agreed and I called her (It was midnight). The phone rings and I hear a female voice say 'hello'. And after that I just kept going about how I am in love with her and blah blah. I keep going on for a minute straight. After I'm done, she says,'who's this?'. And for a second I thought it was Lisa's sister (14 y/o and I know her pretty well). So I said, 'is this Tiffany? I am looking for Lisa. Just ignore what I just said and can you give your sister the phone please?' And then the voice on the phone says, 'No this is not Tiffany. This is Emma, Lisa's girlfriend.' My jaw drops and I have no idea what to do next. I can't hang up, I have to fix this. So, I say, 'oh hey Emma, can I talk to Lisa for a minute please?' and surprisingly she gives the phone to Lisa and I gather up my courage and try to keep it cool and say, 'Hey Lisa I called in to say that all this time I have had a crush on you. I really like but I didn't know that you already had a boyfriend...I mean...girlfriend? If I knew, I would have stayed away from you. I'm sorry.' I was hoping to get an angry response but she politely replies that it's ok. My face cheered up and I realized again how awesome she is. Me and all my friends had a big laugh about it and it was after a long time I had laughed.I found out that the girl of my dreams was going through a bisexual phase. I also later on found out that it was Emma's graduation that day. It has been a 3 months since I last saw her. I still have feelings for her but I still think about what I did and smile about it; not because I fucked up that night, but because she said it was ok.
TL;DR: make sure you know who picks up the phone before you go on about how you have feelings for someone.
Thank you for reading.
[deleted]: I don't mean to sound horrible or something, but its not that normal to mope around and cry just because someone you like has a SO. You will need to toughen up and deal better with rejection, there will a lot of it when you get older. Good luck to you though.
silencesc: He's in high school, everyone does stuff like that in high school. Just because you didn't doesn't make it abnormal..
[deleted]: Who said I wasn't like this, I could have been giving him advice from my own personal experiences.
silencesc: I dunno, telling people who just had an emotional experience that what they're feeling is abnormal (especially if they're a hormonal teenager) just seems mean spirited to me. I know you were trying to help the guy, but emotional response varies wildly from person to person and it just seems destructive to tell someone that what they're feeling isn't normal...
[deleted]: I know, that is why at the start I said I wasn't trying to be mean by saying this. What I meant by the comment was that rejection is going to happen a lot as you get older, and if you take it to heart like this every time, it is going to be harder and harder each time. The guys needs to learn to roll with the punches and move on to bigger and better things.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1408472410 | 1408481974 | t3_2e07fv | t5_2to41 | 354 | scufferQPD: TIFU by not formatting my memory card before my wedding.
Ok, so this wasn't today, but actually 4 years ago.
I married my wife at a small ceremony, there were only about 10 of us there, including my mum, sister, grandma, my wife's mum and stepdad and our two witnesses.
I had asked a witness take the pictures on my camera, as I had a nice DSLR to use.
So the deed is done, and we pose for pictures outside the registry office, lots and lots of pictures. We then move on to the pub where we were having our small meal (we were doing this on a very small budget), cue more pictures.
We all sit down outside in the last of the October sun and enjoy a few drinks before our table is ready; sounds like a good time to pass around the camera doesn't it?
**WRONG!**
The camera starts off with my best man, who gets through only about a dozen pictures and gives up (he's a man, how many pictures of bouquets do you need to see). He passes the camera to my grandma, who starts again and slowly and methodically squints at the screen, trying to make out the shapes and colours of the day. She gives up after 10 minutes and passes it off to my mum, who scrolls through the entire card. About 3/4 of the way through she starts to giggle and calls my mother-in-law over. They both turn bright red and continue quickly flicking through the album as if trying to find the first picture. After several minutes of puzzled looks from me to them, they give up and rapidly hand me the camera with a dab of embarrassment; I ask what's wrong and look down at the camera and to my shock see a gorgeous picture of my wife, lying down, on our bed, naked with my cock in her mouth. *Oh. Shit.*
I look around the table, and everyone bursts into laughter (even my grandma once the shapes she saw were explained to her).
My wife and I suitably embarrassed then recall to each other in private, the all-night-drunk-sex-session we had had a few weeks before, including shots of my wife and I in action and some very raunchy boudoir type shots of her. All of which had been paraded round the table for all to see.
To make me cringe even more, my mother-in-law then pipes up with "Well now we know why you married him!".
I fucked up good and proper.
**TLDR: forgot to wipe my memory card of amateur sex pictures of wife and I. Proceeded to display them alongside my wedding photos.**
mr78rpm: Right, but that's not formatting. I thought it was bad in a different way: if there's some way for a memory card to be not formatted, it wouldn't take pictures!
scufferQPD: Formatted as in: [I didn't wipe it](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disk\_formatting)
NekoMajutsu: Erase =/= format
scufferQPD: Sorry, I don't want to be pedantic, [but I was always under the impression it was "format"](http://i.stack.imgur.com/Aj4VB.jpg)
NekoMajutsu: Understandable. It's one of those "a square is always a rectangle but a rectangle isn't always a square" type things. Formatting will generally erase existing data, but the purpose is to prepare the medium for writing.
scufferQPD: Aha, understood. Thank you /u/NekoMajutsu
| 7 | 50.571429 | |
1408472599 | 1408473791 | t3_2e07tx | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating. [NSFW]
Alrighty, I'm on an alt account for soon-to-be obvious reasons. I'm not a great writer, so expect this to be short.
It was a normal Tuesday. I decided to take a shower before going out to get a haircut, which was a good decision. What wasn't a good decision was to take that shower while horny.
So I start doing my thing, jerking it off. Phone being dead (and me being under running water), I had no porn, so I expected it to take a little longer than usual. No big deal.
After a little while, I wasn't getting anywhere, so being stupid and horny, I decided to grab a little lube. And the closest lube was the soap bar.
Now I know what you're thinking, "Oh look, another story about soap up the dickhole." This isn't a story about soap up the dickhole. This is much, much worse.
Soap still not getting me anywhere, I rinsed a bit off for more friction. At this point, I was just desperate for an orgasm, really.
I start jerking harder and harder, when I feel a stinging pain right in the center of my shaft. I freak out, thinking I got soap up there, and rise off and pee to try and save myself from the pain. After rinsing off, the pain lightened, but it was still there, and peeing did nothing. I began to get worried when I realized something - the pain wasn't in my shaft. It was *on* it.
Out of my mind with fear, I check the bottom of my dick. And I see what could have been the most sickening, painful thing ever.
Remember when I said I was jerking really, *really* hard? Yep.
I lacerated my dick.
Okay, maybe I didn't lacerate it. There was no blood (thank god, cut + erection = sickening, disgusting, painful mess) but I had broken one or two layers of skin.
My dick still hurts.
The lesson I took from this? If you can't get off, don't try to get off.
MSLB: I'll keep that tip in mind
TheKhaosReigns: Hehe, tip
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408474517 | 1408565628 | t3_2e0bkb | t5_2to41 | 142 | Jacmia: TIFU. By allowing the ups man to see me in my bra and panties
So I live about 20 miles in the middle of no where. I also have 160 acres of land that I use as a personal running trail. So I went running in running shorts that look like panties and a sports bra. I had just gotten back into the house and into the kitchen.
Now my back door is directly off of the laundry room and looks directly into the kitchen. I was standing there and had my bra half off (I was going to take a shower) I hear this knocking. I turn around and...
It's the freaking ups man.
So I turn to duck down in pure horror and slam my forehead against my kitchen counter and fall to the floor.
Then I scream "one minute" run to the bedroom and put shorts and a shirt on and go answer the door. I apologized and the only thing this man said was, "I've got a package for you"
**TL;DR** came home from run! taking clothes off to take shower when man delivers his package too early.
jburr008: Why did he not go to the front? Sounds like he planned it.
Jacmia: Because my front door is inaccessible at the moment due to construction
PressedRat: So. Many. Euphemisms.
Vaulttechceo: Are we not doing phrasing anymore?
| 5 | 28.4 | |
1408473664 | 1408679384 | t3_2e09xs | t5_2to41 | 18 | Tomwkli: TIFU by not pooing at a music festival
So its common knowledge that music festival toilets are absolutely filthy and should be avoided unless your life depends on it. Well, I took onboard this advice during my time at my first festival. The outside urinals provided an escape route for the copious amounts of alcohol I had consumed over the weekend, but as I had already been told, the toilets were not a place you would want to spend a few minutes sitting down doing the business - in all honesty I'm not sure I could even do the business it was that dirty. I held on for the entire 4 days I was there.
Fast forward to today and I return home after a 3 hour coach journey, the mountain of crisps and other unhealthy snacks I had consumed were taking their toll and I knew as soon as I stepped through my front door that it was time. I dash to the bathroom, whip down my trousers and plonk my ass on the cold porcelain seat of my squeaky clean toilet. Here's the fuck up.
My unhealthy diet along with me not pooing meant, well there's no way of putting this nicely, there was a shit tonne of shit in my body ready to be released. And if anyone has tried a diet of crisps and beer for 4 days straight, you will know that it becomes rock solid.
As soon as I start to push, I released my mistake of not trying to "release the kraken" during my excursion. I could feel my arsehole straining and stretching as the chocolate brick was ever so slowly making its final journey through my bowels. I wept a little as it continued to peek its head out of my behind.
After what felt like an eternity, I could feel the end was near. I pushed with all my might and *splosh* the deed was finally done. **The eagle had landed.**
My bum was so sore it felt like it was on fire. This wasn't the end. I wiped and could feel moisture on the toilet roll. I didn't think much of it, it was probably just toilet water that had tried to escape the toilet from the force of my shit almost starting a tsunami and splashed on my bum. It wasn't. Blood. Fair to say I panicked a bit. A lot. There wasn't a lot but the concept of my shithole bleeding wasn't too welcoming. After about a mile of toilet roll used wiping it finally stopped. I carefully pulled my trousers up and trudged out of the bathroom door, feeling like a computer hacker after his first shower in prison. Time elapsed: 15 minutes.
I'm currently writing this lying in bed unable to sit down without crying as my are throbs in pain. I'm dreading the next time I take a shit.
**TL,DR: Didn't shit at a festival, tore my arsehole in two when I finally did the business causing it to bleed and hurt.**
ParanoiDMusic08: How many courics did it have?
But I guess a bloody asshole is better than having blood in yo shit. This would be much more dangerous.
Tomwkli: What's a couric? And yeah I'd be worried if it were in my stool
ParanoiDMusic08: nvm. it's south park related.
Tomwkli: Aha don't hate me, but I detest South Park. So controversial.
ParanoiDMusic08: no problem man! we all like different kind of stuff.
| 6 | 3 | |
1408473187 | 1408538766 | t3_2e08zb | t5_2to41 | 235 | IndianShit4Life: TIFU by "dropping the kids off" at my girlfriend's disconnected "pool".
Obviously using a throwaway for this fuck up. As with most posts here, this did not happen today (if it did I'd probably still be washing my hands)
A little context:
Last summer I went to Bulgaria on holiday, met the hottest girl you could imagine who turned out to live half a mile away from me in a reaaally nice house. She and I got really close and eventually I asked her out and she said yes. All was good. Happy days. Then one time at her house, after a particularly vigorous make out session, I really needed a shit. I should add that they were having building work done and were having a new toilet installed. She had previously told me it was all ready to be used (some kind of sick joke?) so I went downstairs to make some room and did the gnarliest shit ever, one of those day-after-indian-food type shits.
Only to find out that the new toilet was not actually plumbed into the system at all. (SHE LIED) So I had just taken a killer shit in a shiny new toilet which would not flush... Fuck.
What happened afterwards was pretty fucking disgusting. Obviously I didn't want to gross out my then girlfriend by leaving a seven pound shit in her new loo, so I had to get elbow deep in my creation, and scoop it out in all its glory with my hands after wrapping them in near enough a whole roll of paper. I then had to scurry back to another toilet and drop the kids off there... Literally, it was the size of a baby.
At one point I contemplated taking a photo of my newly birthed tree trunk. Decided against it.
Tl;Dr shat in super hot girlfriend's un-plumbed toilet. What fun.
DahManWitDahPlan: Nice FU. Did you mask the smell with air freshener?
IndianShit4Life: With only the finest Febreze, naturally.
sharpfangs11: *sniff* aaahhh, shitrus.
Schen5s: Hello Mr Connery
Urplescurple: /r/shubreddit
| 6 | 39.166667 | |
1408477833 | 1408480939 | t3_2e0huf | t5_2to41 | 6 | Skyfer_the_Youtuber: TIFU By farting in public
Today i messed up bad while waiting at a bus stop with headphones on I thought I was alone as i looked around so I laid a huge loud wet fart. I look around again and notice a girl sitting right behind me. She sniffed twice before getting up and walking away. In a flight of embarrassment I walked to her told her it was not me, then told her I was famous. New message on channel: your channels not the only thing that stinks. Sad thing is either shes following me or we are both headed to orientation together. Yep guess I got a fresh start this year. Damn thee beats by dre. Moral is never fart in public...
Like_my_opinion: http://imgur.com/Y6Xmgnd.jpg
harmlessmaniac: I like your opinion.
| 3 | 2 | |
1408477574 | 1408499730 | t3_2e0hej | t5_2to41 | 68 | destroyah257: TIFU by fucking my real mom. :-(!!!!! (NSFW)
[deleted]: Nope, not buying it
destroyah257: Don't know what to tell you buddy but its true...
Halucin8ing: Did she ever realize that you were actually her long lost son herself?
destroyah257: I really don't know I never confronted her about it because I was too freaked out. I hope not because that would make things even more awkward if she tried to contact me...
Halucin8ing: Dude so what have you told your US parents?
destroyah257: I didn't tell them anything. Imagine their reactions. I really couldn't face them after that...
Halucin8ing: You should fuck your adopted mother now!
destroyah257: I consider her to be my real mother even though the real one is my biological one so that would be just as fucked up so no thanks.
trampabroad: Did your Korean parents abandon you because of a prophesy that you would fuck your mother?
| 10 | 6.8 | |
1408474688 | 1408488604 | t3_2e0bwn | t5_2to41 | 40 | UWbadger23: TIFU by crop-dusting a basement
So a few weeks ago I was at my SO's sister's house for a house warming party. Her sister/brother-in-law had invited 30-40 friends and family over to celebrate their new home. I've been there a few times, so I knew the layout.
After some snacking, I realized I really had to poop. I quickly set my plate down and headed into the basement alone. I knew there was a bathroom down there and everyone was upstairs or outside. As I power walked to the bathroom, I began letting them rip, essentially stinking up the whole basement. I finished up in the bathroom, and they had no Febreeze or anything to hide the scent.
Not even one minute after skipping up the stairs since I was feeling much lighter, did I hear my SO's sister announce they'd be starting a tour of their house for all the guests.
"Let's start in the basement!"
I cringed. Sure enough they all went down into the dungeon of stank to their demise.
TL;DR: Farted/pooped in "empty" basement bathroom. Thought I was in the clear until SO's sister led a tour around their new house starting in the aforementioned basement.
gingersluck: Well what was their reaction please use /r/fartgifs to accurately display emotions.
UWbadger23: Well this was mine when I saw them go downstairs. Let's just say it was a gif of this. http://m.imgur.com/gE1rwDC
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1408480401 | 1408480893 | t3_2e0mqr | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by pooping myself in class
eightNote: unfortunately, posts about your poop are only accepted on saturdays.
please repost on the weekend.
irish_hobknocker: Ya I'm sorry about that I didn't realize until I posted it
| 3 | 1 | |
1408481021 | 1408496613 | t3_2e0nsw | t5_2to41 | 25 | ipartytoomuch: TIFU by being unintentionally racist and getting fired.
I work as a cashier and this guy paid with $100 dollar bill for a can of iced tea (about $1). I didn't have enough change so I had to go get some from another register. He then proclaims loudly, "Man, can you believe this *nagger*?" which resulted in me getting annoyed by his impatience and automatically replying with, "Look who's talking" in reference to the first part of his phrase.
He was also black.
cherylannmarie: I don't think you fucked up because you just responded to his ignorant remark. Answer me this, who the hell pays for a $1.00 drink with a $100 bill?
_____monkey: Someone who has a fake $100 bill and wants $99.00 real cash.
cherylannmarie: Bingo!!
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1408481289 | 1408508594 | t3_2e0oc3 | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU as a Mother.
**Incoming sob story, you've been warned.**
*Very long, sorry. This is kind of just a vent, but I actually feel like I've fucked up and this seems like an appropriate place to talk about it. TL;DR at the bottom.*
I have very low income. I was nothing but lucky to get approved into a section 8 town house that had a 2 year waiting list, in under a few months. That was about 5 years ago. We still live here. Me, My husband (not technically married) and two little boys, Blake (1.5) and Walden (4.5).
My family is strong and we love each other to the moon and back, but I feel like I'm fucking up as their Mother and partner.
My husband has always been the bread winner, working long hours and crazy overnight shifts in nursing homes and just being an all around badass. However, he finally decided to go back to college to be able to get a real, decent job later on- so we're not stuck in this situation for the rest of our lives, working minimum wage and barely getting by.
For the last year, he's been a full time student with a heavy course load and keeping a 4.0 GPA the whole time. I'm so fucking proud of him, but it is making things a little difficult.
He says "I know it kinda sucks right now, but in the long run, this will be the right decision (being a full time student and unemployed)."
He'll hopefully be done within the next 5 years or so, get a good job and we can get on with our lives. Or, he can go part time and be in school for the next 10 years, working minimum wage.
I understand his point, I'd rather be broke for 5 years instead of 10, but at least for those 10 years we'd be just a little less broke, but still pretty destitute. So I said fine, go to school full time.
Anyway, I always stayed at home because we couldn't afford daycare for me to go work. My measly minimum wage job would honestly only pay for the daycare costs- so what was the point? I had no friends or family where I live, I still don't. Our family and friends live an hour away and have jobs, families and lives of their own- they can't be my babysitters.
Fast forward to three months ago.
I learned that there is a Child Care Assistance Program. What it is, is that if you're low income and need daycare while you work- they can help you. They will only pay up to a certain amount and you have to pay the rest out of pocket. Sounds fair enough.
I apply and tell them our situation, with me wanting to work and him being a student. The case worker tells me to "just say" that he's looking for work for the next 2 weeks (or 30 hours, whichever, for job searching) so we can get them into daycare. Sweet, whatever, we do it.
Well the two weeks were up and now, for whatever reason, we don't qualify for the assistance anymore. We played phone tag for 3 weeks with our case worker, sending letters, filling out forms and paperwork and sending in proofs of practically everything.
I worked for the last 3 months. Had childcare for two weeks, exhausted my options for babysitters for another two and then my husband had 2 ish weeks off between summer and fall semesters. He has to go back on Monday.
At work, they just offered me a little promotion and a $1.50 raise, and now it looks like I can't even take it.
I don't know what to do. How do we better our situation? I mean, I could work weekends, if some place will even accept that, but I couldn't work my way up the "corporate ladder" by working weekends. I'd be stuck bringing home maybe $200 a month in gross income. How will that pay for gas to get places? How will I buy household essentials? How will I buy clothes for my ever-growing kids? What about emergencies? I drive some old beaters for cars that require some emergency maintenance pretty often (both needed new batteries these past few months, and tabs and a new break line and tail light).
Most importantly, how am I going to pay my bills?
I do qualify for EBT/Food Assistance, which we're on. So thank god I don't have that to worry about. At least nobody will be hungry. Except for when the electricity doesn't get paid and they shut off the fridge and stove (twice so far, that was humiliating).
If anyone has any resources or advice that isn't degrading or mean, please let me know.
**TL;DR: I fucked up as a Mother by bringing my poor babies into this shit situation. I can't buy them clothes or diapers or take them anywhere fun that requires money- because I have very little.**
I rely on my In Laws, who some times buy them clothes and diapers and give us $20 here and there for gas. They're saints and I appreciate them so much, but I know they can't help us forever. They can't support my entire family and themselves. I feel terrible for ever accepting anything from them. I'm a grown woman with kids who *I* should be providing for...
Pr1m4lcur5e: Your situation sounds pretty tough. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Maybe you can start a donation pool on youcaring.com or something?
kamajo8991: I feel rotten accepting charity. I had my card declined at Panera yesterday when I tried to buy myself soup for lunch on my break. They just gave it to me and I cried about it. It was really nice of her though. And that soup was delicious.
Pr1m4lcur5e: You may feel bad about accepting charity now, but in the future, when you and your husband get back on your feet, you can pay it forward and help others. Right now, you pretty much need it, right?
kamajo8991: You're right, it just feels wrong. It's like...if I accept the help from other people, it's finally admitting I can't do it. I can't provide like I wanted to.
I'm always telling people to accept help when they need it, but it's hard to take my own advice sometimes. You never think it's going to be you, whatever happens.
You're so sweet though. I need more people like you around, haha.
Pr1m4lcur5e: Yeah, I understand what you mean. You just never think it might happen to you. Well, regardless, I wish you good luck concerning your current situation. Please keep us updated, especially if things turn around for you. And remember, if you truly need help, do not hesitate, for I would always put my children before myself.
kamajo8991: You're so nice. I wish you and everyone I here well. Not one unkind thing was said to me yet. That's a first on reddit. Haha.
Thank you <3
| 7 | 6 | |
1408481903 | 1408553733 | t3_2e0pf8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with my friend's ex girlfriend
__Viper__: Pics or it never happened.
[deleted]: Haaa! Nice try.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408483345 | 1408496043 | t3_2e0s7k | t5_2to41 | 15 | maximus5280: TIFU by wanting to sleep a little more...
Today I fucked up by wanting a little more relaxing shut eye.
So my mother, two older sisters, and I take somewhat of a short family vacation. We rent this lovely cabin
just outside of town near a lake. We do some fun family activities and have a good time. We had not done
anything like that in years since we were all busy with school, work and what not. Well, quick rewind this this
morning; the air in the cabin was cool and my bed was pleasantly warm. The best feeling in the world warm
blanket on a cold day. It was one of those mornings you just long to stay in bed a little while longer. So I did
just that. I’m on vacation right?
My mother began knocking on the door to the room I was staying in nagging for me to get up and get ready. I
lied in bed half asleep because I had packed the night prior and had minimal things to do before we departed.
Then, all of the sudden my mother comes bursting (I think to shake me until I would get up like when I was
younger) in my room with my two older sisters standing behind her. She RIPS my pleasantly warm blanket from
the clutches of my fingers and exposed me in my boxers to everyone in my room. Now, I wish I could say that is
where the story ends; but, it’s not. Since I was in an extremely relaxed state prior to my blankets being ripped
off I had quite a bit of extra blood flow to my genitals. So needless to say I had a RAGING BONER. Not only did I
have a massive erection, but my manhood had seemed to escape the small opening the nice people at Hanes put
in their underwear. So, no shit there I was laying in front of my mother and older sisters with my man meat
hanging out at full salute. They all quickly rushed out of the room and shut the door quickly.
No one had mentioned it as of yet and I sure hope they don’t. I am pretty comfortable with my body, but not in
front of my family. . . .
TL:DR – Exposed my man meat to my sisters and my mother while on vacation.
foulmouthangel: WTF is wrong with those 3? Seriously, they deserved to be scarred for life. Are you five?
Space_Cadets13: Seriously if you're old enough to have a RAGING BONER then you're old enough to sleep in a bit. This irritates me because parents/family members still treat you like a child after you've left the child stage of life. Like would they go up to another adult and rip off their covers? I don't think so...this tifu is not on you as much as it is them.
| 3 | 5 | |
1408485944 | 1408488594 | t3_2e0wt0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | iLiveInPeace: TIFU by texting my dad instead of my girlfriend
So my girlfriend drops me home after a night out and I had left my weed container in her car. I remembered just as she drove off so I messaged her saying:
"Hide the weed"
I get a reply saying
"Why?"
I say
"In case your dad see's it..."
That's when I realised I was texting my dad. I didn't know what to do; yikes!
jellytear: What happened?
iLiveInPeace: After the "why?" He hasn't replied I messaged saying "oops", I wasn't sure what else to say. Bare in mind its 11pm here so I'll just have to wait till morning now.
THExenoch: You're toast.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1408486908 | 1408524902 | t3_2e0yha | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a very inappropriate text to dad...
Screwed_38: Are yall 14?
Donkster: That'S exactly what I thought...
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408486879 | 1408524755 | t3_2e0yfn | t5_2to41 | 8 | saltymuffaca: TIFU by mistaking wasabi for Guacamole
That's it really, I was eating out at a fancy Sushi place and put about a spoonful of spicy wasabi on one sushi roll. Lots of water and regret followed.
Screwed_38: Water is bad, bread or milk is good in situations like that
Donkster: No, no! Just enjoy a big sip from a coke after you ate wasabi...
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408490125 | 1408491380 | t3_2e13xc | t5_2to41 | 15 | Wreckton: TIFU by editing a picture of my friend and sharing it with the wrong people(sad).
So like most TIFU's, this didn't happen today and actually happened 7 months ago.
So the story goes like this, My cousin is helping me format my PC over skype, and after we format it, I'm downloading drivers etc whilst we talk over skype. I have a friend who has been friends with me since the age of 2, and I show a funny picture of him eating a lollipop with a retarded face. Being the silly goof that my cousin is, he edits it in photoshop, Removes the lollipop and instead adds a dick thats cumming into his eyes with eyes on the ballsack. Yup. I send it to all his best friends, they have a good laugh about it.
My friend obviously is very emotional and devastated about it, I get that but it was all in good humor, right? Wrong.
His mum visited us this weekend ( good friends with my mum ), everything was cool, I already apologized back then if I hurt his feelings, but as I'm playing CS:GO tonight, my mum comes in to have a "serious" talk with me. Basically what happened, one of the guys' ( the one who had his picture edited ) friends, stopped being friends with him due to a fight, and actually printed out the picture of him sucking the dick and posted it all around school, everyone made fun of him, and he eventually started cutting and now hes really depressed. I don't know what to feel, I don't want to feel anything, but I cant describe how sorry I am for what happened, usually that shit wouldnt be taken seriously but apparently in Eastern Europe schools go ham over that shit and will abuse a kid for a photoshoped picture, something anyone can do at any time by accessing any persons facebook. Damn.
TL;DR : Cousin edited a picture of my childhood friend to be sucking a dick instead of a lollipop, I shared it with his friends whom eventually as form of revenge for something posted it all around his school, he got bullied, started cutting, is a depressed kid, I probably ruined his life. smh.
Jabberwaky: TIL: Don't photoshop dicks on children's faces.
Wreckton: Sums up life
| 3 | 5 | |
1408490984 | 1408493589 | t3_2e15dr | t5_2to41 | 26 | dekema2: TIFU by losing money selling on eBay
I bought a MacBook Pro the other day for college and couldn't wait to use it, but I also felt I could sell a few things I had from my older desktop, including a keyboard that would sell for $75 in retail, but typically sells for about $40 on eBay.
Last week I put my keyboard up for sale. I've never used eBay before, so I just looked around to see comparable prices to figure out what my keyboard could be set at. I set the starting price at $6.99, not too low that I would feel duped by only a few bidders that bid low on it, but not too high that it would go unnoticed. Even still I don't know what I should've set the starting price at.
I didn't get bids until the last hour of the last day (Saturday), so I thought maybe a bidding war would happen or something, because they came in quick. I was hoping I could attract more bidders, but only 5 people bid and it ended up selling at $18, far less than the $30-40s it typically sells for.
I kinda procrastinated in packing and selling the keyboard, and when I finally bring it to the post office (Monday) I got a little confused on the process: should I use the self-service machine, or go to the counter? I went to the counter because the machine didn't make much sense.
It was a smooth process from start to finish, I got a bubble envelope, wrote down addresses, etc. I felt fine even when I payed for the express, one day Priority Mail ($26.60!!!!!!). I don't know if it was because I was in a hurry, hungry for lunch or whatever, but somehow I erroneously associated it with the total cost of the keyboard ($18), and the S&amp;amp;amp;H ($7.50) which add up to $25.50.
Today, I go into eBay to see how far it is on it's quest, and it made it to the buyer's house. Great, especially with 1 day Priority Mail. For some reason I got enthralled with it and told my parents that it made it there on time, and my dad asks why was I charged $26 dollars. It took me awhile to put 2+2 together and realize I lost money. It only added insult to injury because the keyboard, in brand new condition was bought for a steal.
As upset as I was, I tried to make it seem better. Maybe it would've been worse if it was a TV or something, or maybe the guy was in desperate need of a keyboard and I helped him out. But I still can't believe how I lost money like that...
TheGwolo: That was pretty stupid.
dekema2: It really was.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1408489632 | 1408497525 | t3_2e1354 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by unintentionally angering a malicious rooster.
Alas, this was not today. It was many years ago, in fact. However it continues to haunt me to this day and has left me with devastating socially-awkward-inducing phobias.
When I was younger, I often spent a lot of time at my grandparent's place. My grandfather, bless him, was a farmer and had a lot of animals around his home. Right behind his house was where the chickens were kept. There was a main building with roosts and places for the hens to lay eggs, then another building specifically to keep the roosters locked away (as they often found satisfaction in terrorizing each other, the hens, and sometimes small children who wandered too close to them). In-between the two buildings was a hall (used to store food sometimes) with doors on either end. We always made sure to shut and lock both of the doors in the hallway so that the hens and roosters weren't given access to each other.
One fine morning, I look out of the kitchen window and am able to see into the hen-house. There I notice a hen is laying in an odd position. I've always had a huge interest in animal care, so I rushed outside thinking I could take the hurt hen to my grandfather for further inspection. I approached cautiously, noticing that the chicken made no effort to get up and was limp. Carefully, I reached down and picked the hen up- examining it closely to try and determine the cause of it's current state.
It was at this moment that I heard the sound of wood-on-wood. Normally, I wouldn't think anything of it. But at this particular moment, I decided to turn to see what caused the sound. By some sheer chance, the door connecting the chicken house and the hallway had been left unlocked and the wind had simply blown it open. I shuffled the hen under one arm, then moved closer to the hallway to shut the door. It was then that I came to the realization that someone had left BOTH of the doors in the hallway open. Goosebumps rose on my flesh as I looked straight down the hallway and into the eyes of the meanest rooster we had, Ol' Scrappy.
Now let me take a moment to tell you about Ol' Scrappy. He wasn't your average rooster. He was a good two-times larger than a rooster should be. He was very malicious, and often enjoyed stabbing the other roosters when they approach the food containers. This led to him becoming the largest, and the meanest, of them all. Ol' Scrappy had long, incredibly sharp talons. We had once tried to clip them shorter, as he nearly killed several of the other chickens, but this only resulted in many bleeding scratches and much regret. He had flogged a good two-three children, leaving most of the younger kids in the family terrified to even step foot in our yard. He was basically a feathered death machine, fueled by nothing more than pure rage and an apparent need to hurt things.
The moment Ol' Scrappy and I made eye contact, I felt my stomach drop. A primal fear rose deep from within me. I had been chased around the yard by this rooster more than once, and I knew with his sadistic nature that he would be eager to do so again. Almost as if he possessed some higher form of intelligence, he eyeballed the chicken under my arm, then me again. I could see the cogs turning in his brain. He may have assumed I was responsible for the chicken being in its current state. That, or he was simply out for blood. He puffed up, a terrifying sight, and let out the most monstrous screeching sound I've ever heard.
I dropped the hurt chicken flat on it's butt (probably shouldn't have done that, but fear makes you less concerned about things like that). I should have shut the door to the hallway. That would have been the end of it right there. But no. Instead, I bolted out of the chicken house and across the yard towards my home. I screamed, "Papa!" very loudly as I was sure he would come out and take care of the rooster- like always. I felt a wind at the back of my neck, and suddenly Ol' Scrappy was flying above my head like a majestic angel of death. Somehow, he managed to sink both of his talons into either side of my neck. I don't remember feeling any pain, just shock and bewilderment.
He proceeded to puff himself up, but otherwise walk away as if nothing had happened... like the true cold-blooded killer he was. For a brief moment, I thought I was actually fine and had made it out unharmed. My grandfather came around the corner of the house at that very moment.... Then my heart beat, and blood squirted out of either side of my neck. Again, my heart beat and blood squirted out again.
If it hadn't been so horrifying, it probably would have looked pretty funny. I clasped my hands to my neck and my grandfather ran over to me. He drove me to the hospital, holding a blood-soaked towel around me. Many, many doctors took a look at my neck. Somehow, SOMEHOW, this rooster had actually sliced into some important veins. They treated it, it hurt, but they all said that in all actuality it wasn't as serious as it looked. They were more worried about how the rooster had actually done the deed than the deed itself. Needless to say, the first thing my grandfather did when we got home was take the rooster out for a long walk. I guess he'd finally realized that keeping a crazed ninja-rooster around the place wasn't doing any good. I'm sure the other roosters and hens all collectively breathed a sigh of relief.
To this day, I have a crippling fear of anything touching my neck. It's seriously been something I've discussed with a therapist. Even something as simple as someone's hand on my neck will cause me to drop to the ground, and a panic attack will ensue. This has caused me to avoid things like awkward-neck hugs and letting my hair touch my neck for many years now. Sometimes I wake in the dead of night and grab my neck, scared to feel it throbbing and blood squirting out. I know Ol' Scrappy isn't out there in the world anymore... but sometimes I wonder.
TL;DR I pissed off a rooster, which proceeded to deliver a fatality to me by stabbing me in the veins of my neck. Blood squirted out, in horror movie fashion. Much pain. Such wow.
DarkAngel401: Please tell me you at least have a cool scar on your neck sides.
[deleted]: I used to! You can't really see anything now. :(
| 3 | 4 |
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