start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1352330379 | 1352399425 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | stenglish92: TIFU by sleeping.
I was up until 2 AM studying for a test. I overslept and missed my first class for the day. Normally this wouldn't have been a problem, however, the test I was studying for was that class.
TL/DR: Fucked up by oversleeping due to studying and missed the test I studied for.
UPDATE: Cannot make up the exam. However he said he would "Take it into consideration" if it adversely changes my grade after he drops the lowest test score.
theflying6969: Last semester I woke up half an hour late for one of my finals. I can't describe that moment of terror when you realize what time it is.
DQEight: Did it turn out well in the end?
theflying6969: yeah, we had two hours to take the exam but the test itself maybe took an hour. I still got the death glare from my prof and other students when I walked in though. Like 'wow this kid's a retard' look.
stenglish92: I'm hoping he lets me take it. lol. And yeah, I punched my wall. I was pretty upset.
Vexper: Hope the wall is okay (:
stenglish92: It is! :) I was just so mad.
| 7 | 9.857143 | |
1352337485 | 1352975748 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | UndercoverThetan: TIFU by almost exploding, then dropping the results of my chem lab. Lab partner seemed unhappy.
Let me start out by saying that I typed up a version with some of the relevant specifics, but there were oh so many links and it looked even more incredibly boring, so [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_v_BscWMcc) is a video of somebody who has *correctly* done the same lab. Usually my labs are performed very well and at a brisk pace, not this time.
It was the first lab of the semester that we were paired with a lab partner, a fairly attractive girl who was pretty fun to work with. Due to this, I was not really observing or asking what the other groups were doing, which is usually how I realize if I am doing something wrong. Well at about the [3:20 mark in the video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_v_BscWMcc#t=3m20s), I instinctively used an Erlenmeyer flask, as it does not require the little rig to be set up for gravity filtration. At the [4:12 mark of the video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_v_BscWMcc#t=4m12s), you may be able to deduce why using a non-flat rimmed beaker would be better than the flat rimmed Erlenmeyer flask. So I get to talking with the girl, the solution is quietly simmering, then the shit starts popping and is nearly erupting out of the flask. All eyes on me as I surgically remove the glassware using two tongs to keep the watchglass from falling off, which would leave the boiling beast unhindered from spluging all over the nearby lab students. Successful extraction, bruised ego, embarrassment out the wazoo.
All is still generally well, except for my lab partner having to scrape crystals from every cranny of the flask, feeling even worse now, but I recover. Then, further evaporation is needed using an oven, as seen at [6:50 in the video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_v_BscWMcc#t=6m50s). However, smart/distracted me overlooks the need to use the rubberized tongs to remove the watchglass from the oven, instead, utilizing bare-metal tongs that do not grip glass all too well. Half way on my six foot trip back to our lab station, the inevitable happens, smashed glass all over, just...just everywhere...and once again, all eyes on me. Awkwardly laugh it off, grab broom, sweep up shards, zero yield on experiment, at least two hours of wasted time and a visibly dissatisfied lab partner. Best part, we get to use the results (or, in our case, lack thereof) from this experiment to use on the next lab, using the same lab partners.
Edit: Fixed links so they start at the specific times.
Vexper: I always got the lab partner who fucked shit up, you and me are enemies for **life**.
UndercoverThetan: In my defense, my labs are usually flawless and I am one of the first few done, and when I do miss something, it is always very minor and can be immediately fixed. I am just very efficient, focused and don't waste time, but this was my first time having a chem lab partner since High School, and she was attractive, so I was a bit sidetracked. I hear you though, she took it like a champ and laughed it off, and it seemed sincere.
CasioKnight: Can I please suggest, as somebody who see's a fair few recent graduates handling chemicals in both a lab and an agricultural setting: Slow down.
That is the biggest concern of mine seeing people with a high degree of theoretical knowledge transfer to a workplace, of any setting. Slow down and focus. No-one wants the fastest chemist/lab person. I don't when in the Lab (3 months out of the year), even when I've got 200 samples in front of me.
Sorry, not bitching at you, just wanting to let you know what it looks like from a professional point of view.
UndercoverThetan: Yeah, I believe I understand. By saying that I am one of the first few done, it is also the product of many of the other students in the lab having no idea what they are doing. I am guilty of some rushing, but I falsely rationalize it by telling myself, *"It is just an unimportant lab, let's just get finished and get out of here".*
Some of my unprofessional actions are due to the overall elementary material, and an unprofessional setting (missing equipment, no respect of cross-contamination by the rest of the students, and Lab TA's who can barely speak comprehensible English). I do take lab safety seriously, although the above story features textbook mistakes.
I appreciate you pointing out your view of recent-graduates, it is a good perspective to prepare for. Even though they are basic labs, I should treat them as I would a more important or challenging lab, as this is the time for me to grow and hone my lab skills.
CasioKnight: Hey, thanks for the reply.
Sorry again, wasn't personally hassling you. What you said is awesome - keep that type of attitude and you'll be an employers dream. Every operation is important, and people quickly notice how the new kid treats things like that.
Best of luck :)
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1352339363 | 1352391678 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU: I decided to venture outside of my "shell" and hit up the bar....
Here is a play by play of my night thus far.
3:30 Get off work, not happy about it because I am Forever Alone.
4:00 Reddit
5:00 It would be nice to finally meet someone! So I shaved my bald head clean.
5:30 Arrive at local bar, sit alone.
5:45 Order first beer and a dozen wings
5:50 Get wings (I ordered mild wings by the way I didn't want to snot and look like a pussy if they were too hot)
6:00 Eating wings, I am accustomed to eating HOT wings so it does not bother me much but the wings I received are actually way hotter than expected. By this time I have the brightest color orange hotsauce all over my mouth and lips.
TIFU MOMENT 1
I look over at the door to the kitchen mid lip lick and I assume I made a funny face because the waitresses smiled at me and turned away. (oh fuck me...)
6:15 Finish wings and order another beer!
6:20 Order another beer!
TIFU moment 2:
6:30 Attempt to engage a pretty waitress who saw my goofy face earlier into conversation:
Me: So why do you put the receipts on top of the beers?
Her: What?
Me:So why do you put the receipts on top of the beers? (less confident)
Her: After looking at me like I'm retarded she said "So I know who it goes to?"
Me:oh
6:35 Order another beer and a shot from then on I keep my eyes straight and finish my beer.
7:00 Got home, embarrassed but in one piece.
TIFU moment 3:
Log onto dating website (I rarely ever talk to people I just look around and wish they would talk to me), message coworker.
FUCK ME! Well if work didn't suck enough just having to be there now I have to deal with what I have done in a drunken stupor tomorrow... I think I fucked up pretty good.
mikeyfxt: That was actually pretty epic, fear of failure holds so many people back. Go fail! The more you fail, the more you try, the better you will get.
Soon enough failure will be a distant memory, epic orgies will be had.
cj5rox: This! For me, dancing with girls is hard, but I enjoy it. Getting rejected is just part of the game, but you can't win if you don't play.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1352345963 | 1352354364 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my ass crack.
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two buttcheaks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poo- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
prussianiron: I swear this is a word-for-word repost from 4Chan. I could believe that this happened for real, but the wording is extremely familiar and certain parts I know for sure are directly copied. 99% sure the entire thing is, but lazy and tired so no evidence right now.
castellar: Literally google the first sentence, this is an exact copy of that story.
prussianiron: Thought so.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1352350220 | 1352385497 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting a friend of mine in my computer science class use my code.
We had an out of class lab and I had been working on it for several hours already. My friend had just gotten off work around 9:30pm and it had to be submitted by 11pm. We got together to work on it after he got off, and I let him borrow a copy of my code to help him catch up since he wouldn't be able to finish it time. Well we were stumped on it, and decided to just submit what we have knowing that it's incomplete. Well fast forward two days and we get an e-mail from the TA informing us that we were caught and that we would receive a 0 out of 100 on the assignment, and that if we were caught again then she would report us to the college and possibly be expelled. I don't necessarily feel bad for what I did, since I didn't really use anything from my friend in my own code. What I submitted was 100% my code. But the professor doesn't know that and I'm going to feel really guilty going to class tomorrow.
daredevil82: Do you use a repository for your class assignments? Having a commit log would go a long way to proving that the code used is your own.
Nathan_is_an_ass: Even if I could prove the code was mine, the main problem is that I shared it. It was clear that he used my code and that's against the rules.
daredevil82: So just because you shared your solution, you'll be penalized? Don't you guys help each other with assignments?
How different is the other guy's coding style from yours? If you can show you have a distinct way of writing your code, you can prove that your code is the original.
Sorry this happened to you. I help alot of my classmates and they help me too with both math and C. Still, I don't do word for word copies and make my own implementations of the answers.
bagelmanb: Just as our laws punish people for being accessories to crimes, schools punish students for being accessories to cheating.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1352355838 | 1352442959 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | marrockon: TIFU by getting jizz all over my clean bed.
Getting the daily dose of sex when i pull out and my GF happens to rip my condom off me at the exact minute. In my mind, "wooo thank god i have the condom." I was wrong, I splooge all over my barely washed sheets and blanket. I can just get new ones, but not after being covered in it. I feel disgusting...
whitegirlwoo: Ew!
marrockon: I blame you
darthelmo: It's always the white girl...
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1352326683 | 1352641468 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Violentanalgrinder: TIFU by reading TIFU stories aloud on the bus
So, I was on the bus going home from school, and I saw a hilarious post entitled "TIFU by walking around my apartment naked while my new kitten was in attack mode" and couldn't stop laughing. I had to read it to my friend. I also had my headphones in, this rendering me incapable of knowing that the bus was very quite. I finish reading it, and look up as the bus driver says my name and glares at me. I respond with "what?" and sink into my seat. I fucked up.
Fuluturu: That's embarassing, but you know most of the people got a good laugh out of that. I'm sure the driver even chuckled before scolding you. They are some bitter people, if they didn't.
Violentanalgrinder: She's bitter as all hell. Other bus riders could've, but my friend got moved to the front once for saying "gay rights" because it's offensive apparently.
ScruffyWonderHobo: Dude, it's a bus driver. Their life is so pathetic that the only way they can make money is to drive kids to school. Their opinions don't matter. Just ignore the dumbass.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1352373030 | 1352475073 | null | t5_2to41 | 256 | [deleted]: TIFU by ripping my Banjo String
Ok, I know there have been a few genital mutilation stories on here and rather than bring something fresh to the subreddit I though "hey, why not share mine?"
This actually happened a little while ago - I got horrendously drunk and came back to my uni dorm with a girl I'd been seeing and she came to my room. Sexy times were a rollin' and I was all like "fuck yeah" etc but in my haste I hadn't really pre-heated the oven so to speak.
So I sling my schlong in her and immediately it feels weird. It's warmer than usual and it just felt a little uncomfortable. I look at her and she seems ok so I think whatevs and keep ploughing, not really feeling much due to whiskey-dick.
In the morning I wake up and she's gone and when I pull back the cover I see all this blood on my sheets and think "urgh man, no wonder she went, she got period juice all over my bed."
So anyway I get up and got in the shower. I've not had the chop and being a clean guy, I wash my bellend every day. So I pull my foreskin back and...
...well you know in the movies where someone is in excruciating pain, screaming their head off? And the camera cuts to a picture of the block, town, country, planet - all the while you can hear screaming? That's what it was like. I snapped my damn fucking banjo string and the soap and hot water combined confirmed it beyond any doubt.
So yeah TIFU by ripping my fucking dick off.
TL/DR - No foreplay + no lube = Stitches in ya Johnson
[deleted]: I hate being torn.
[deleted]: It happens to you often..?
Libertae: Sorry to get personal but just curious, to frenulem and OP (and anyone else not chopped): Do you ever wish you were circumcised as a baby now that you have experienced this?
DeathHaze420: The foreskin works much like a telescope. When I am fully erect all that foreskin just becomes skin on my shaft. So I am 3-4 inches longer than I would be cut. I wash it every day the way a woman would/should wash their vag everyday. There are absolutely no risks as long as you are a responsible person. And I would fucking hate my parents if they mutilated my dick. My kids will never be circumcised unless it is THEIR choice. And then there's the whole masturbation. I rub it up and down, the skin kinda goes over the tip and back (cause your never as hard alone) and it feels really good. To have no skin there I feel like my head would be bulging to break free as my dick was never intended "by god" to be that short.
Tl;dr cut dicks are short dicks. You would be longer with the skin intact. And of you think its gross down there, then you dont wash good enough.
likeabott: got circumcised at the age of 19, same size before and after. thats just nonsense.
DeathHaze420: I call bullshit. The foreskin pulls back with an erection forcing the dick out further. You may have had too much foreskin. Or maybe your like my brother. His frenulum goes too high up the helmet and he is unable to pull back the skin.
likeabott: [if you don't trust me, maybe anyone else on the internet](http://www.google.de/#hl=de&output=search&sclient=psy-ab&q=change+penis+length+circumcision&oq=change+penis+length+circumcision&gs_l=hp.12...3621.3621.0.5023.1.1.0.0.0.0.123.123.0j1.1.0...0.0...1c.2.v6afRHDey_s&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&fp=6c0b080031831ef8&bpcl=38093640&biw=1233&bih=567) if your foreskin forces your dick out further, maybe you should see a doctor
DeathHaze420: Then why as my dick pulses bigger and bigger with each heartbeat, the foreskin pulls back, joining the rest of the skin on my shaft. It's one piece of skin although it appears to be double sided. And if I was to remove those 4" of skin my dick would not be able to stretch out to its full potential.
I really don't give two shits whose right or wrong. It's still mutilation the same way female circumcision is mutilation.
an_ill_mallard: Uh bro... Your penis is filling with blood and expanding, yeah, but it's not the skin that's making it bigger.
Wait wtf I can't believe I am even typing this out, have I completely misunderstood you? I hope so. The stretchy excess skin on your cock stretches out to fit your hard dick, it's not actually making it bigger. Am I being trolled here. DO YOU know how elastic works in your pants? The elastic isn't stretching your pants, it's tightening them...
| 10 | 25.6 | |
1352370727 | 1352516350 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | TheDutchTreat: TIFU by not locking my car
Yes I fucked up... My car has a key-less entry system that opens and closes when the key in my pocket is in proximity to the car.
Yesterday I came home and walked away from the car which locked automatically (it beeps to signal it's locked) about 5 minutes later I realized I forgot my phone in the car and went outside to get it. I retrieved my phone and walked away again but thinking about it now I did not hear the car beep to signal that it had locked.
This morning I walked outside and saw that someone had gone through my car stealing anything and everything not nailed down. They got my dash-cam (lol $30 from China good luck fencing that) and the change I left in my cup holder (about $1.60) but unfortunately they also stole our [baby stroller](http://www.babypark.nl/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/900x625/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/s/t/stokke_xplory_licht_groen.jpg) worth about $800,-. The bright side is that they couldn't get the car seat out because it has a locking system that is a little hard to undo.
Conclusion is that I just learned a valuable lesson of manually locking my car and never leaving anything I'm not prepared to part with in my car.
seiks: TIL strollers are $800...
TheDutchTreat: A complete set with elaborate adjustable under carriage costs $800,- this includes seat, crib, under carriage, car seat adapter, rain gear, winter gear diaper bag.
Chainmail_Danno: That is absolutely insane. I get it-- it has to be high quality and you child's life is important, but $800 is crazy.
Sorry to hear that you lost it.
Edit: Lost the stroller, not the baby.
Faythy: I got twins. My set up for car seats and a double stroller was $400 total. Stroller was 50$ car seats were the expensive part for me. I couldn't fat hum paying 800$ on a stroller lol. Even my triple jogger was a barter that was about 50$ total in good trades.
crookedparadigm: >fat hum
Faythy: Fathom lol*
crookedparadigm: I had a mental image of a rapping a capella group with some saying "Yo dawg, drop a fat hum!"
| 8 | 12.25 | |
1352401759 | 1352436324 | null | t5_2to41 | 174 | Fameless: TIFU by going to a meeting
I had an important meeting at my campus this morning, so I was prepping for it last night and today. I completely overlooked the fact that I had work today and ended up missing an entire shift for a 40 minute meeting. I'm an idiot.
rAxxt: Google calendar is the shit.
uiguilg: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnQ-VlyUqwQ
rAxxt: *non sequitur*?
uiguilg: no it is sequitur. very sequitur :)
rAxxt: Haha. :) Ok I give up you are gonna have to explain the joke to me.
uiguilg: lol. a magician never reveals his tricks ;)
rAxxt: Yeeeaaah. I don't believe you. Nothing too see here, folks. It was a cute puppy, though. So have an upvote.
uiguilg: [Why Thank You Kind Sir! -An upvote right back at ya]
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/28052913.jpg)
| 9 | 19.333333 | |
1352416725 | 1352432890 | null | t5_2to41 | 158 | alexandra1992: TIFU by accidentally calling a coworker while gushing about him...
I accidentally called someone from work...left a 5 minute voice mail and I am pretty sure I said how much I loved him within that 5 minute period..I am sure his wife would love to hear that.
fragglet: How did this "accident" happen?
alexandra1992: It is very easy to call someone while texting them...and I never put my phone in my purse. It stayed in my hand and I accidentally called him, I call people all of the time like that...
Laxator: You might want to stop.
| 4 | 39.5 | |
1352427223 | 1352487276 | null | t5_2to41 | 658 | shopping_cart_whoops: TIFU by crashing a shopping cart, cracking some ribs, and nearly killing my children in the process.
Was doing some grocery shopping with my 2 kids (both under 4.) They were loaded into a 2-seater race-car-styled shopping cart, little steering wheels, they love it and it makes shopping a bit easier.
On the way out to the car I thought I'd be the cool dad and pop a wheelie. I set my foot on the axle gave a little push down on the handle. I grossly misestimated the center of gravity. The whole cart-grocery-child system turned into a type 3 lever with their noggins headed for the asphalt.
Still holding the handle I tried to get under them. My elbows and ribs ended up taking the brunt of the impact. The kids were shaken, but okay. I cracked 4 ribs and bloodied my elbows up.
This was actually a week ago, but it still hurts to breathe.
Fucking idiot.
[deleted]: Almost won a Darwin award for yourself there. Glad your ok though.
green072410: Nope-you can't win a Darwin Award if you've already reproduced.
chenslow: However, if you kill your kids in the process of killing yourself, boom, you're back in the game!
green072410: Excellent point, my good sir/madam!
| 5 | 131.6 | |
1352432932 | 1353373216 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a pot text to my super religious teacher.
I was talking with a friend and it started with us making fun of religious people, saying gay marriage and pot got legalized in some states because the bible says to stone gay people (paraphrased.) Anyway, a couple texts later, I replied "I wonder if you have to get stoned everytime or just once and you're good"
Except, I replied to a group text between the officers in a club at school, a very involved club- our school has about 1100 kids, and the club has 112 members; we compete statewide and have state officers and such in our club- and the very religious instructor that oversees the club. I sent a lot of apologies and tried to explain that I didn't do pot. Anyway, I'm in deep shit and probably won't be an officer for much longer; I was going to run for state office and president of the club at the school level. That's out the door now.
Edit: [Here's the text and some of the immediate response, it got worse](http://imgur.com/lrqku)
Rosenkrantz_: Oh well, [good luck OP](http://www.google.com.br/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&ved=0CCQQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jobapplicationcenter.com%2Ffast-food-job-applications%2Fmcdonalds-application%2F&ei=A5WcUJG9BoOy8ASJ2IHwCQ&usg=AFQjCNE1yXVRQ5Bc2ZHII3LMXHVsbp05Iw&sig2=RldSICuquTKQbHK0U6RzWQ).
[deleted]: You just made my life
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1352412627 | 1352460126 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | rmm45177: TIFU by not understanding my calculator and almost failing my algebra/trigonometry class.
I was required to buy a graphing calculator for my college class and I've been slowly learning how to use it for a few months now.
Soon after getting it, my mom accidentally threw away the instruction booklet, as well as the package because she thought it was just trash. This is the first time I've ever had a graphing calculator so I'm learning something new every day.
We only have a month left in the semester and I have a D- in the course. I thought that it didn't have a radian/degree mode and you were supposed to just manually type in the degree or pi symbols, then it would automatically assume the type of mode you're using.
Well, it turns out there is a degree/radian mode, its just hidden. I've been getting wrong answers all semester because of this stupid mistake.
I'm in shock right now. I spent 9 hours last night using this calculator, wolframalpha, and physics formulas just to figure out 4 problems (they were wrong by the way). When I saw that it was time for class, I broke down crying because I'm going to fail. If I can't make it in college, its over for me.
Now I just feel so drained that I can't even type coherent sentences.
**TL;DR: Was in radian mode all semester and almost failed because of it.**
darthelmo: Somebody's gotta ask it: WTF didn't you go online and download the instruction manual?
rmm45177: I thought I could learn it by myself and it wouldn't be necessary. Now I see that was a mistake.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1352441812 | 1352813345 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | seevic: TIFU: I made an entire bus think I was a creep
I was on packed-full bus on the way to campus this morning with a couple friends and was pressed up to the back of one of them who is quite a bit taller than me. I decided that it was a perfect time for a quote from "The Ringer" so I got on my tippy-toes and snuck my face up to his ear to awkwardly whisper Glen's "do you want fries with that" quote for a laugh. It just so happened that the bus went over a huge bump and my awkward whisper turned into a loud, creepy ear rape. Niether of my friends had seen the ringer and the rest of the bus looked absolutely disgusted. TIFU.
For those of you who also have not seen "The Ringer", here's a poor quality youtube clip of what I'm talking about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crPXRjxU8bw
atc_like_a_boss: "When the fuck did we get ice cream!?!?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz2sbwX78yA
streamsidecoconut: This is my favorite line ever from any movie, and I came here to see if it was posted.
Thank you.
| 3 | 10 | |
1352496097 | 1352617358 | null | t5_2to41 | 220 | elbenji: TIFU by melting plastic.
So I was ironing a shirt I needed to be a part of a crew for a show tonight. I put the iron down on a plastic drawer thing I have for no more than five seconds as I smoothed out the shirt. I take it off and then notice the goo coming up.
I panic and try to clean it. Its hard, some of it gets on my bed and now I'm in full panic mode. I also need to get to close in twenty minutes and I haven't showered.
So, in panic mode, I try to iron again...not noticing the goo on the bottom of the iron. It gets all over my shirt, my favorite, nicest looking shirt.
I curse out and freak out. I spend twenty minutes washing it off, no avail. Late for class. Double fuck. I clean the iron and try peeling it off, still ruined.
In all of this, I miss another deadline. I needed to drop off some movies by 8 am or I have to replace them. So that's 75 dollars each for 4 movies. I was going right before class starts.
I eventually just take a shower in shame and let my shirt sit there with bits of plastic on it all solidified and deal with my fate. Yup.
TL;DR: Accidentally melted a part of a plastic bin, now have to pay for drycleaners and missed a bunch of deadlines...cause that's life.
CapnSalty: You may as well change your name, and move towns.
elbenji: Yeah...but I'm in college...
CapnSalty: Everyone will know what happened. You can never show your face again!
elbenji: =(
CapnSalty: LOL. You should have just waited for the plastic to harden, maybe by running an ice cube over it - then picked it off!
elbenji: didn't think of that
CapnSalty: If I share something with you, will you internalize it?
elbenji: Sure?
CapnSalty: http://www.marthastewart.com/275315/top-50-money-saving-tips/@center/277003/home-smarts#238181
This is where I learn all of my tips from. I know it's Martha Stewart, and maybe that you think that's lame. But, keep in mind that she has a staff of like hundreds of people, whose job it is to put together lists of handy information. That's where I learned the ice cube trick, as well as the millions of useful facts that seriously make me a wonderful person to be around.
elbenji: Hmmm, I like this! Thank you! =)
| 11 | 20 | |
1352498339 | 1352576136 | null | t5_2to41 | 205 | gettinghonestjohn: TIFU by having a major tantrum
I'd had four pints and nothing to eat but I didn't feel in a bad mood. Got off the train, down the stairs and damn, forgotten my bag hadn't I. Laptop, iPad, enough that I panicked a bit.
The first guy I spoke to was fine, told me to speak to his friend behind the glass. I don't remember what exactly I said but I'd had four pints and I doubt I was at my persuasive best. He certainly wasn't at his most helpful and basically told me it was a customer's responsibility to look after their bag, pointed at the sign that told me "Closed", shoved a leaflet about the lost property office under the glass and pulled down the blind.
At some point during this I lost it. Badly. I spat at the window, broke the microphone in front and even threw my bike at him. Thankfully the window got in the way.
I was such an idiot. Anyone remember angry computer guy smashing his keyboard and then throwing his monitor. I always knew that could have been me. What an idiot. I'm very sorry.
Phillyz: Really, only four pints makes you this livid?
[deleted]: Southerners.
darthelmo: No Southerner buys beer in pints.
Berg426: As a Yankee who lives in Texas I can confirm that whiskey comes in 4 pint jugs with XXX stamped across the front.
darthelmo: Horseshit. That's a half-gallon jug. And whiskey, besides.
| 6 | 34.166667 | |
1352526122 | 1352682096 | t3_12y10r | t5_2to41 | 83 | FluorescentShadow: Haha maybe I should have done that :)
Fambida: Wasn't your fault, so wasn't your mess. Step-pops can clean his own shit up.
FluorescentShadow: Too much of a dickwad for that nonsense lol.
He also made me bake a new batch.
Fambida: That shit means war. Time to visit /r/pettyrevenge and find some inspiration.
FluorescentShadow: I'll make a throwaway and post what I actually did to him. Trust me, there was some very very very glorious revenge there.
nrfx: Exlax in the brownies.. we've all been there.
FluorescentShadow: Oh no, dear friend. Far worse than that. I actually needed to make a throwaway for it, just because it is that awful >:)
mark10579: PM me the post? I really want to hear about this
FluorescentShadow: [Gah... here you go...](http://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/comments/1311ya/getting_revenge_on_my_stepjackass/)
mark10579: Haha, that's amazing. I'm seriously cracking up over here, you're brilliant
FluorescentShadow: :D
mark10579: I was expecting something pretty good, but never in a million years would that have crossed my mind. It was a bit of a shock, but hilarious none the left
FluorescentShadow: That's *Right* 8)
| 13 | 6.384615 | |
1352514597 | 1352561554 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | Hammer_of_Antares: TIFU by backing into my buddy's motorcycle...
....and knocking the goddamned thing over. He just bought it this summer as a "yay I'm finally divorced" present, too. He's also a very long-time co-worker and one of the better friends I have in my life so I'm gonna feel really fucking awkward at work tomorrow. I am absolutely mortified and this could've been avoided if I'd checked in the rearview mirror before backing up that last few inches.
Thankfully no serious damage was done, though I have a dent in the ass end of my car now. Fuck my life.
EDIT: Oh yeah, and he saw me do the whole thing too, out the front window of the shop. Super duper awkward.
FranklinFox: What sort of damage does the bike have?
Hammer_of_Antares: Nothing bad at all. A few scratches, and any parts that need replacing he can get hooked up on. I lucked out so hard it's not even funny.
FranklinFox: That's what I was hoping! Very lucky! My motorbike got knocked over by an elderly driver (only three weeks after I got it) and all it had was one scratch and a tiny crack in the mirror.
Don't feel too bad, shit happens!
Hammer_of_Antares: Oh nooooooooooo lol! Only three weeks! Good thing it only had scratches, though.
Yeah, shit does indeed happen, and I think karmically speaking I was probably due but at least shit happened with my buddy and not someone else. Shit, he called me up a little later in the evening sounding apologetic that it was going to cost even a couple hundred bucks for the few parts he needed. Good Guy Motorcycle Dude.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1352540044 | 1352695938 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | stidf: TIFU forgot to wear a belt and ate it in the middle of the crosswalk.
Hanging out with my college roommate and his girlfriend in SF. We were rushing to get the bus. I didn't realize that I needed to cross the street to get to the bus stop. I realized that I needed to run to get there before the light turned. I was a little tipsy and tripped myself up on my jeans while running to clear the cross walk before the light changed. Had I been wearing a belt like I normally do when I am not feeling like a sloth in the morning. I ate it and slid about 3 ft. Banged my knees up and scraped my knees, palms, hip.
Edit: Grammer and spelling
crazychica5: Wait, you ATE your belt? I'm confused...
rawrgyle: "Ate it" is US slang for fell down hard.
stidf: ya the title originally was going to be "ate $h*t", but I decided against it at the last second.
[deleted]: You can swear on here you know...
| 5 | 9 | |
1352570295 | 1352577468 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Tenth_Doctor: TIFU By Giving Away A Kitten
Yes, I fucked up royally. We had a gray kitten named Penny. She is spunky and playful, the perfect cat. I talked with my mom and she told me to get rid of her as we were unsure if we could have two cats. This was one of those times when the person says one thing you are meant to do another. I did not realize this. So I put an ad on CL for a free kitten, used a lovely picture of her and gave her to a really cool lady who loved cats, as she just moved here and left hers at home with her parents.
I was just told by my mom that she really liked Penny and I was the one who was so forceful in getting rid of the kitten. I'm allergic to cats, I used not to be that way, but God decided to play a really mean trick. I'm willing to suffer to allow others the joy that pets bring. This little kitten had decided that I was the owner my allergies be damned. I would go to the doctor, but I'm one of those few folks who lack insurance. So there really was nothing I could take other than OTC allergy pills.
Anyways, I feel like complete ass because I got rid of the kitten. I have called the women who took the kitten to see if I could not get it back, but she told me, "No." I can see that I gave her the kitten. Now I wonder if should go get her a new kitten and maybe someone to play with the older cat who is now letting himself outside to chase the wild cats that my mom feeds.
My God I feel like a heel. Like I have committed a sin that is akin to murder. All I want to do is find a rock and hid under it.
Pockets6794: I don't suppose you're in London, England are you?
Tenth_Doctor: No, I am not.
I'm in Florida, the funny shaped state of the United States.
Pockets6794: Oh damn. Thought I might have been able to help you out getting another one. Never mind :) sorry to hear about your kitten troubles and good luck counting those votes! :p
| 4 | 4 | |
1352577068 | 1352606824 | null | t5_2to41 | 546 | ElPsyC: TIFU by scaring a kitten
Well, I fucked up and may have killed a kitten. I was walking home from the park and saw a cute little cat. I tried calling it to get it to come closer but it just looked at me. So I walked towards it and it get up. I keep going and the cuter fucker runs away, jumping into a storm drain. And splash. That's all I heard. Not one meow. I stood there and now I'm feeling down.
I hope it knew how to swim but it didn't look old enough.
i_am_sad: [Relevant](http://boredcouple.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/duck-grate.jpg)
LancerSykera: Aaand then you call the fire department for ducks in a storm drain
ElPsyC: Why didn't I think of that??!?!?!?!
[deleted]: Because it's a waste of resources. I'd rather have my local FD on call for a real emergency, than saving the carcass of a feral cat.
Corrig-: [woah, hey now...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLxzXyZFj8M)
[deleted]: Most appropriate comment I've read yet, today.
| 7 | 78 | |
1352600568 | 1352731908 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | vasharpshooter: TIFU By walking
Over the past year I have had over 8 surgeries on my feet. As a result it has been a year since I have walked. They were not even sure they could save my right leg/foot, but we did. Any way the end of last month my feet were finally healed and ordered orthopedic shoes which I got yesterday. So today I took wife out to a favorite restaurant to show off my new shoes and no wheelchair. Congrats were heard all around. After wards we went to grocery store for a few items. While waiting for her to come out nature called. I could not find a parking spot close to store, so I took best available. Looked at distance to store and knowing RRs were in front I felt I could make it. Going in was rough coming out I was half way to the truck and my legs said enough was enough and just wanted me to sit down. Took everything I had to finish the last 50 feet. Hung over the edge of the bed of the truck to catch my breath not able to even get my legs up into the cab. Set here now with them just throbbing.
I_Am_Brad_Pitt: You're a fucking moron, seriously learn how to type you fucking impotent asshole.
d3310n: You aren't even trolling at this point just give up
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1352600637 | 1352638474 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | periodotot: TIFU by eating very salty popcorn when I have a cut on the tip of my tongue.
Title says it all. It burnt like an eternal hell-fire.
FaKeShAdOw: In times like these, try some ice cream :)
periodotot: I was actually eating the popcorn whilst typing the post. ;_;
| 3 | 4 | |
1352617256 | 1352799412 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | mythofsissyphus: TIFU by telling my GF it was impossible for me to find her attractive instead of the opposite
She's sensitive about her weight, so she asked me "do you think I'm fat?" And I said no, of course not. I told her this exactly (quoted from a text):
>I really cannot stress enough how much it's impossible for me to find you to be the MOST attractive woman in the world, period.
when I *meant* to say this (emphasis added):
>I really cannot stress enough how much it's impossible for me **not** to find you to be the MOST attractive woman in the world, period.
funkyjames: "do you think i'm fat?" is such a loaded question. one time i actually replied, "do you want me to be honest?" in a sincere effort to be truthful and helpful. such a bad idea...
mythofsissyphus: I'm worried she's becoming anorexic.. :s
Hypomanic_Poet: If you are really concerned about her being anorexic, *never* compliment or comment on her body at all, even with the best of intentions. An anorexic will take any compliment and twist it's meaning in such a way that it will only fuel her anorexia. It's not your fault, or hers, really. It's just how anorexia can completely warp and consume someone's mind. The people over at [r/Eatingdisorders](http://www.reddit.com/r/EatingDisorders) could likely give you more insight on what's going on on her mind and how you could both cope with this disorder. Best of luck!
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1352610173 | 1352774008 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | pokeblack: TIFU by putting the groceries in the oven
I had just got home at 5:00 pm from work and the grocery store.I was tired out of my mind. so, without thinking, I put the groceries on the oven. about 5 minutes later, I hear my son screaming about a fire. so, being the mature adult that I am, I freak the fuck out. then, my 21 year old son comes down with a blanket and just decimated it. It was embarrassing as hell. I later found out that my groceries had hit the nob and started one of the burners
TL;DR: Fiery vengeance in the form of my groceries wreaks havoc on my family
edit: the title was supposed to say ON
nocturnal_tiga: Oh, so you put them ON the oven, not in them. I was wondering how someone can accidentally open the oven and put their groceries in.
[deleted]: Some people have [wall ovens,](http://www.sevacall.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Installing-Electrical-Wiring-in-a-Wall-Oven-.jpg) ya know..
nocturnal_tiga: I'm aware of that. But you still have physically open the oven, shove your groceries in, and then close it. It just seem like somewhere in that process you'd realize that they don't go in there.
[deleted]: When we have a box of donuts at my house, candy, or some item that either a: shouldn't be cold, or b: needs to be hidden from my brother, we put it in the oven. Our two racks are closer to the bottom, so stuff actually does fit. It's a handy place to hide stuff, because *usually* ants can't get in.
| 5 | 4 | |
1352628768 | 1352694844 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | Quwerkygirl: TIFU: By dropping red cordial on a white carpet then covering that up with another little rug.
Ok, the title explains most of the story but here is the WHOLE story.
So I got thirsty whilst browsing Reddit and decided to get something to drink so I trudged into the kitchen to quench my thirst by grabbing some concentrated red cordial/cool aid (one of the two) put some of the mixture in added little water so the drink was sweet and was making my way back to my bedroom.
Now in the middle of the hallway there is a stretched out long rug that covers minimal carpet to fancy the place up and as if on cue my dog Charlie tumbles onto the back of my thong (flip flop) and made me fall that little dick and the cup I was holding fell onto the floor making a red puddle of cordial stretch across the carpet.
I pulled myself up off the floor grabbed a wet wash cloth from the sink in the kitchen and began to mop up the red wet mess but of course this HAD to happen all the colour wouldn't come out so in my time of need with no other idea in mind I pulled the stretched out rug over the bright red stain and just walked back to my bedroom to type this story knowing my idiocy with probably entertain you Redditors.
Ok now I need serious help.
1. If you smart people -I'm a suck up I know- know how to rid stains out of WHITE carpets please tell me
And
2. I can't show a picture because I don't know how to put a link in so if you could tell me how to do that as well I'd <3 you all too.
BASK IN MY IDIOT-NESS
Chainmail_Danno: Steps to upload a picture:
* Get the picture on your computer. Upload it to Dropbox, email it to yourself, plug your phone/camera into the computer, etc.
* Go to www.imgur.com.
* On the right hand side under "Upload Images," click on Computer.
* Find your picture and click open.
* Click "Start Upload."
* When it finishes, it will bring you to a page. From there, click on the picture, then give us that URL.
It's easier than it seems.
---------------------------------------
**Now here is some formatting help:**
Ok, the title explains most of the story but here is the WHOLE story.
So I got thirsty whilst browsing Reddit and decided to get something to drink. I trudged into the kitchen to quench my thirst by grabbing some concentrated red cordial/cool aid (one of the two). I put some of the mixture into a bottle and added a little water so the drink was sweet, then made my way back to my bedroom. Now in the middle of the hallway there is a stretched out long rug that covers minimal carpet to fancy the place up. As if on cue, my dog Charlie tumbles onto the back of my thong (flip flop) and made me fall. That little dick and the cup I was holding fell onto the floor making a red puddle of cordial stretch across the carpet.
I pulled myself up off the floor, grabbed a wet wash cloth from the sink in the kitchen, and began to mop up the red wet mess. Of course this HAD to happen! All the colour wouldn't come out so in my time of need with no other idea in mind I pulled the stretched out rug over the bright red stain. I then just walked back to my bedroom to type this story knowing my idiocy will probably entertain you Redditors.
Ok now I need serious help.
1. If you smart people -I'm a suck up I know- know how to rid stains out of WHITE carpets please tell me
ShadowBlade69: Reply to locate later.
Chainmail_Danno: Where is Later??
ShadowBlade69: Just past the present. If you reach the future, you've gone too far.
EDIT: I understand it's SOP to downvote this, but please.... My imaginary internet points mean a lot to me.
Chainmail_Danno: I still have not found Later, but I will continue my journey. I have also provided you with three internet points. Spend them wisely.
| 6 | 7.5 | |
1352624096 | 1352658671 | null | t5_2to41 | 358 | wanabeswordsman: TIFU by peeing in complete darkness.
It's the middle of the night and I wake up having to pee. I hate turning on a light so I can aim so I usually just kneel down in front of the toilet, flop my dick over the side of the seat, and do what I must without worrying about missing. Well, as I finished up, I put my hand on the lid to brace my attempt to stand, but my hand slipped, causing me to fall back to my knees and the lid to fall down right onto my dick.
Toilet lids are fucking heavy when they crash onto your manhood like a hammer. It's about 1/2 an hour later and it still hurts like a bitch. Couldn't sleep, thus this reddit post. Gonna take some pm painkillers and hope they help.
streetxmanifesto: I truly do not see why you would rather kneel in front of the toilet than turn on the light
wanabeswordsman: If I turn on the lights, I have to deal with adjusting my eyes to not blind me when I open them. Then, I'd have to navigate all the way back to my room in the dark, trying to see when I'd be able to see much more easily if I never let my eyes adjust to the light in the first place.
ProfaneDrunk: Close one eye before turning on the light, then open it again when the light goes off.
morgrath: Yarrr!!
CummingEverywhere: It's thought that this actually may be the reason that pirates wore eye patches. Cover one eye at day, then switch the patch to the other eye at night.
Source: Mythbusters.
morgrath: Well geez. I tried to be subtle. But thanks for adding the explanation :) And yes, Mythbusters was where I knew it from too. Yarr.
[deleted]: I like you.
morgrath: I found one!
| 9 | 39.777778 | |
1352619947 | 1352675664 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | YouHaveSuperAIDS: TIFU by leaving my paraphernalia out.
Me and my roommate both partake in some trees from time to time. Neither of us have unexpected guests ever come over, so we just leave our pieces out in the living room for convenience. The heater went out at the house we rent and I contacted the landlord (my uncle) about the issue late one night while I was freezing my ass off. I wake up the next day and head off to work without thinking twice about it.
So I get a text about halfway through my shift from my landlord (still also my uncle) that he is going to have his step-son stop over to fix the heater in a bit. His step-son is in his mid-twenties and isn't the most sheltered person in the world. If it was just an issue of smell, I could have told myself that 'maybe he thought that we burn incense', or that 'maybe he would think we just had a friend over who lit a joint' or something. I can't lie to myself like that when we had a bong sitting on the coffee table...
So now I've been left wondering whether he's cool with it, whether he thinks I'm a piece of shit now, or whether he's told or going to tell my uncle and start some drama that I don't want/need. Also the heater stopped working literally about 10 minutes after I got home from work so now I'm freezing my ass off again.
thebornotaku: And this, kids, is why you always hide your paraphernalia.
ManWithDominantClaw: Agreed. I wash it and wrap it up after sessions. Gotta be careful, dude.
Also as a side note, if you ask a treehugger if your place smells of it, they'll say, "A little," but that specific scent permeates everything, and eventually someone's gonna catch you out.
funkyjames: does weed smoke "stick"? cigarette smoke tends to hang around and "stick" to clothes/furniture/etc, what about weed?
SnideJaden: weed can linger in air, but it doesn't stick. Then again I have only lived in one place for two years and smoked daily, so maybe years and years of toking can cause the smell to stick?
Captain_Hammertoe: I don't smoke tobacco, but most days I indulge in a few tokes in my little converted closet/office. Always with a box fan running, and always blowing the smoke directly toward the fan. And it *still* stinks in here when I walk in from somewhere else.
SnideJaden: sounds like it lingers alright. It'll smell for up to a few hours, but it wont cling and stick like cigs.
You ever walk into an indoor cig smokers house? How about house sit for a smoker? Even if they are gone / haven't smoked inside for a week, it reeks of cigarette smoke and you can't get rid of it no matter what you do.
| 7 | 17.428571 | |
1352511295 | 1353094278 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | Waker1: TIFU Poorly ended e-mail
I wrote a pretty lengthy email to my boss, updating her on everything we will be starting next week. When the dick in my office comes by saying cliche crap like he always does.
"Go Home. Who you trying to impress"
I'm finishing the email and sign it like this
.......let me know if you have any questions.
Fuck You,
Waker1
I fucked up.
swordfishtrombonez: Dont do anything yet - if she responds, act surprised and say you wrote THANK you but were typing it quickly and must have changed it through spell check OR early next week, say you pulled up the email to look at the to-do list and just noticed how it ended - once again, blame spell check.
Falathras: Better make up some badly contrived excuse to use instead of what actually happened.
| 3 | 4 | |
1352639439 | 1352673736 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling down my stairs and spilling the last of my cereal everywhere
Title says it all. It was an average groggy morning for me, I went upstairs to get some cereal and as I was bringing down my sugary breakfast to my room I managed to slip. Bam. I fell on my back , I didn't really fall "down" the stairs, I fell *on* the stairs. Anyway, I got milk all over me and the wind knocked out of me. There was cereal all over the place, which I had to sweep up, and milk all over the stairs that I had to dry. And to top it all off, it was the last of the Cookie Crisp :(
xiPlayWithCrayons: Your kitchen is *up*stairs?
zeus1tre: *OR* his/her bedroom is in a basement. ;)
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1352674191 | 1352727442 | null | t5_2to41 | 313 | Aldairion: TIFU by chemically burning my left nipple.
Technically yesterday, but today is when I actually noticed the issue.
I don't like having chest hair. I really don't. I think it looks ugly and unhygenic on me, plus I'm Indian so it comes in thick and dark. I'm not barrel-chested and broad-shouldered enough to make it look good either. I've shaved it before but that's incredibly time-consuming and uncomfortable, not to mention how pricey razorblade cartridges are.
Anyway, as I was doing some grocery shopping, I came across [Nair Shower Power](http://www.beautystat.com/site/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Nair2.jpg). Spread the stuff on and scrub the hair off with a little sponge that comes along with it. Showering my unwanted hair off? Fantastic!
I guess I should've paid closer attention to the instructions because I just indiscriminately slathered it all over my chest. It tingled a little bit after I had finished but I thought this was just part of the process, sort of like that "fresh" tingly feeling you get from certain facial scrubs.
I guess I left it in that one area for a little too long because goddamn my nipple still hurts. It doesn't look so bad, but it's always "up" and it feels like someone is constantly ripping duct tape from it and it's ultra sensitive to anything that it touches, be it shirts, blankets, contact from hugs, light breezes, etc. I guess I'll have to find another solution...or just learn to embrace my masculine coat. Oh well, nipple aside I feel pretty good and at least the other one is okay.
**EDIT: [Of course you guys would ask for a picture, haha](http://i.imgur.com/Vss4T.jpg). You can't really see much aside from some little scabs in the middle, however when I took it I noticed the real icing on this fuck-up cake. I got a little on my chin too. It must've rubbed off during my twisting, turning, body-scrubbing routine, and [now I have a nice little void in my beard](http://i.imgur.com/vwtY1.jpg). I think this is the real fuck-up here. Thanks for the advice guys. Apparently Nair is the source of many fuck-ups here.**
carterdj95: I use straight-up ladies Nair for all of my body hair. You know, in the sexy-ass pink bottle? I've never had any problem with it hurting at all, so if you're up to it, I would suggest trying it.
[deleted]: Maybe the pain is what makes it manly
hullokoala: Well, it's been said that pain is ~~beauty~~ manly.
| 4 | 78.25 | |
1352686661 | 1352692070 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying yes when a good guy friend asked me on a date.
It was so sudden and out of no where and I've always had a problem with so sudden and out of no where things. Plus I am 100% sure I ill never develop feelings for him. I feel bad.
jamaces: umm thanks.
Erikster: No way.
| 3 | 15 | |
1352686635 | 1352763635 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | UnclaimedUnderpants: TIFU by accidentally giving myself an enema.
I got home from camping this afternoon and proceeded to take a nice hot shower. After lathering up and scrubbing away the residue of the great outdoors, I began rinsing off with the handheld shower head as I always do. So, when I rinsed my ass crack I quickly realized the pressure was a bit much. Lemme tell ya, an unplanned forced shit in the shower is no fun at all.
SunnyD8603: How loose does your butthole need to be for this to happen? (just kidding!) I use the shower head all the time to clean and this has never happened to me. I feel really bad for you. That had to hurt. :-/
UnclaimedUnderpants: I do this all the time too, but normally change the setting on the shower head before approaching my ass crack. It was on the strongest massage setting and I withdrew immediately upon feeling penetration, which was apparently just enough to trigger defecation mode.
SunnyD8603: Yikes... At least your were in the shower and able to clean up easy. lol
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1352686043 | 1352694017 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | student_nurse: TIFU by leaving a porno in my dvd player, then telling my roommate's 10yo she could stay in my room while I was gone.
Okay, this did not happen today but it has haunted me for 7 years! I used to rent a room from a family and I babysat their 10yo daughter all the time. I was going out of town and they asked if the mom and daughter could stay in my room while they were painting. I get home 7 days later and find all kinds of Disney movies on top my dvd player; and inside was the porno I had left in it before I left (they were nice enough to put it back for me). Yes, girls watch porn too. So embarrassing.
_wait_what_now: it would be so delicious if the porn was a parody of a Disney princess. "Mulan & the Horny Horde of Huns" "Poke-her-hauntus" "Jasmine's Magic Carpet" "Beauty and the Buttfuck" etc...
amcgillivary: Shit just got too real...
| 3 | 47 | |
1352703616 | 1352997274 | null | t5_2to41 | 333 | lawnicus18: TIFU: I kissed a girl and embarrassed the shit out of myself
Today, well, actually on Nov. 8, when in phys Ed class, my class was playing dodgeball and when this girl got hit, she fell over laying face up. No big deal right? WRONG. I was walking over close to where she fell over, tripped, and fell over and my lips hit hers by accident. Needless to say, it was embarrassing both for me and her, but mostly for me. Oh well, at least I kissed a girl.
Ghost17088: Now if you are smooth, you say, since we already kissed, maybe you can let me take you out on a date this weekend.
EDIT: I accidentally a word.
lawnicus18: I did this and she said yes. Thank you for the suggestion good sir.
ArabRedditor: Are you shitting me, this actually worked or are you just fuckin around?
lawnicus18: Yes, it worked
[deleted]: OP's a cool dude and doesn't afraid of anything.
Smokey95: doesn't afraid of anything.
| 7 | 47.571429 | |
1352716266 | 1352724471 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU: Told somebody I loved them just so I could cheat on my girlfriend for the second time.
I have no idea why I do these things - I'm a terrible person.
Girl thinks I'm going to dump my current for her even though I know there's no way it could ever work.
Edit: If it's worth saying - feel terrible and don't know how to get out.
DrSirKool-Aid: Dude.. Fuck you.
[deleted]: Hmm, deleted. Just as i was posting something mean. What an asshole. (OP)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1352722211 | 1352760254 | null | t5_2to41 | 427 | xhable: TIFU: Brought a cabbage to work instead of lettuce - my sandwich tastes weird
Must pay attention more 0.o.
Ham and raw cabbage sandwiches taste freaky.
Hammer_of_Antares: Raw cabbage does taste different, and it's tough as hell. Eek.
[deleted]: Raw cabbage is quite good for you especially vs cancer. I eat a ton of it with every fucking meal.
Hammer_of_Antares: I like putting it in soups, as I think raw it's a bit rubbery. But it's certainly not bad!
[deleted]: Just slice it thin like in coleslaw
Hammer_of_Antares: Brilliant. I'll have to try that.
| 6 | 71.166667 | |
1352725491 | 1352776230 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | kittensnomittens: TIFU by setting my hair on fire.
I couldn't find a lighter to light a cigarette and got the bright idea to use my gas stove burner. Turned on the burner, bent over to light the cigarette and my forehead got really hot. I smelled something burning, it was my bangs. I accidentally set fire to my hair. TIFU big time.
squee777: This happened to me a while ago. You learn this once.
Geordielass: Not necessarily, my sis was constantly singing her hair.
squee777: Then in her case I guess again and again.
Geordielass: We would hear her in the kitchen jumping around, frantic splashing of water. She always provides a good laugh.
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1352721460 | 1353707749 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU My School Laptop.
Ordinary Shitty Monday With A Twist.
At our school we all get provided laptops to use in class, and they are super fragile.
So today i was taking my school laptop out of my backpack and dropped it about half a meter to the floor.
I then open it up and it's all cracked and broken.
So now it's going to cost me 50 dollars for a replacement screen.
Sorry can't provide a picture my HTC is also in repair :l
I've got great luck.
Reddit, TIFU
Smokey95: Jesus Christ, $50!?!?!
When i was in school i dropped my laptop and the replacement screen for either $1000 for an authentic screen or $700 for a third party screen - obviously i took the $700 one but still!
[deleted]: What kind of laptop did you have? jesus christ, the laptops they provide us are basically shitty netbooks, with like 10 inch screens
Smokey95: We were given the 2011 macbook pros, you know the completely white ones
apache546: Dropping a school laptop is one thing, but having to pay $700 for a screen because it's an expensive Mac is just really, really disastrous.
| 5 | 5 | |
1352752531 | 1352762133 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | xkcd1253: TIFU by talking to my ex's best friend
It's actually not what it sounds like, but her best friend is my very good friend as well. We were talking about my ex, and the friend basically sympathized with me saying that my ex is not acting the right way.
Now I think my ex might know my password and is ignoring her friend and making vague status updates and whatnot. Oh man, this is just all of the awkward ._.
lerbius: Seems to me like it's not you who's fucking up, it's your ex. People will realize, just stay chill and let her have her fun. It'll bite her in the ass!
xkcd1253: Thanks! I guess if I just remain calm and uninvolved then she's making the mess for herself. I can do my own thing
lerbius: Indeed dude. You got this!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1352771242 | 1353020085 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | Voiceless: TIFU by being a grown ass adult and pissing myself
So I had just finished my work out routine at home. Ran for about 1000 miles and then went downstairs to cool off. I drank about 3 glasses of water in less than one minute. After drinking and relaxing a bit, I decide to take a nap.
So as I lay in bed, slowly dozing off, I get this really terrible pain in my upper crotch area. Like the area below your bellybutton and around your happy trail was just aching so much. I was in a bit of pain for like two minutes... until I just sort of release my pain and am just so relieved that it's over...
OH WAIT! NO! That's actually piss.
So I ran to the bathroom as soon as I realized I was pissing myself, changed out my clothes... and am now cleaning the aftermath of the scene.
My bed sheets are ruined, but I think my self-esteem took the biggest blow.
TL;DR: Drank 3 cups of water then went to bed... had pain in bladder area then just uncontrollably pissed myself.
TheOriginalGalatea: Your sheets aren't ruined, they can be washed.
Voiceless: Of course, I washed them. I didn't mean to make it seem, as if, I had just gotten rid of them. :)
arfenhausen: You can NEVER wash the memories away. Every time you look at those sheets you'll remember the time that you, a grown ass man, pissed yourself.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1352776706 | 1352908366 | null | t5_2to41 | 594 | tifuagain: TIFU by trying to deep throat a guy
So, TIFU by trying to deep throat a guy. A guy who, not going to complain or anything, is hung like a freaking race horse. I was already gagging a bit, so we decided to move the fun into the bathroom just in case I couldn't resist the urge to puke. So there we are, butt ass naked, and I'm on my knees giving this guy a bj. Then I go in to deep throat him and I was doing pretty well (I was pretty dang proud of myself) when BAM I need to throw up immediately. So I push him back and I was happy when I mostly kept myself from throwing up, so I just spit the little bit that did come up into the toilet...but when I went to take a breath, I couldn't freaking breathe. No air, wheezing, me freaking the fuck out. He kinda giggled at first, thinking I was just recovering from his huge cock (I'm sure I had made similar sounds before). But then I managed to choke out, "something's wrong." So, all the while I'm choking I'm sitting here thinking, "Oh dear God I'm about to die butt ass naked from choking on a damn penis!" "This guy is going to have to run out NAKED and get my roommate who he's only met once!" "Oh my God my family is going to think I'm a whore!" And while I'm choking, thinking all of this, he picks me up turns me around and gets behind me, (in my terror I didn't comprehend he was getting ready for the Heimlich and just thought, "Oh come on John this isn't the freaking time for this!!"). So he's behind me, starts to do the Heimlich maneuver and I finally think to actually cough and that cleared up whatever was going on and I finally took a full breath. I still don't know what happened, I wasn't choking on anything, I think my throat kinda...just decided to close up. I don't know. So needless to say, we kinda took a breather after that. So yeah... I choked on a penis.
tl;dr Choked on a gigantic penis, thought I was going to die naked.
sm0k3gr33n: A+ for trying.
[deleted]: I feel obligated to let you know, that I downvoted your commented so I sould see 123.
KaylaAnne: I feel obligated to let you know, that I down voted your comment so I *could* see 0.
nomogoodnames: I feel obligated to let you know, that commas shouldn't be used there.
TheEdThing: and i feel obligated to downvote your comment so i could see -1
nomogoodnames: And I feel obligated to let you know that 0 got in your way.
TheEdThing: well now it has -2, good enough
nomogoodnames: And I feel obligated to let you know that you just aint doing it right.
TheEdThing: i am not doing it right? because i decided it would look stupid to continue with "obligated'?
nomogoodnames: And I feel obligated to let you know this is how stupid bandwagons and sarcasm work.
| 11 | 54 | |
1352790074 | 1352989851 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by kissing my boyfriend's best friend
Sorry if there are mistakes, I am typing this on a phone. This happened Saturday night and Sunday morning. There was me, my boyfriend, my girl cousin, and my boyfriend's best friend of over 10 years. We stayed in but we all got pretty drunk off of some 99 proof liquor and tons of beer. This was the first time I have been that drunk. We played kings cup and then truth or dare. The dares were crazy, my boyfriend was butt naked running around everywhere, everytime we had to kiss someone it was only pecks on the lips. My cousin was tired so she went into a separate room and slept. It was about 6am, we hadn't slept at all. Me, my bf, and the friend continued to play. Soon enough we had a group dare to remove 2 articles of clothes, the guys were naked and I only had underwear on, no bra. We still played and made fun of eachother and laughed, the mood in the room was still fun until the last dare. The dare was for me to aggressively make out with the friend (by the way we used a truth or dare app) so me and the friend made out naked and almost naked directly if front of my boyfriend and his friend. We made out for almost a full minute when I had just realized that I was kissing him more passionately than my bf and he was watching us, I could feel the terror on his face and the sadness he felt. I told the friend to stop but it seemed like forever because he kept kissing me while asking "are you sure?" I feel so regretful over this. Reedit, I fucked up. Btw sorry about the wall of text, I'm not sure how to fix spaces on here.
monsterluv: If I were your bf I'd dump you
bladesire: but what if you were her bf's best friend?
monsterluv: Stfu
bladesire: :'( you make me sad
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1352788835 | 1352919397 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | bootsiekitty: TIFU by deciding to dress cute on the coldest day of this month.
The weather had been relatively nice lately, so I decided to put on a cute dress and sweater. Then the temperature dropped from 50 to 40, 40 to 35...all the way down to an eventual 20-something, all while I was stuck on campus without warmer clothing. Got a ton of compliments; at least I was going to be a cute popsicle.
Pyrise: As a person living in Minnesota I pity your cold immunity skills. It's 20f here and I've still got windows open and the heat unpaid.
newtonty: As a person living in northern canada, I find it funny watching people in southern areas say anything about the cold. i've seen my thermometer display the same in Celsius and Fahrenheit, I'll let you figure out what that's at.
Pyrise: Oddly enough, I know that Celsius and Fahrenheit meet at -40c and -40f mostly due to taking middle school chemistry.
newtonty: Good, you wouldn't believe how many people didn't know that :)
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1352811348 | 1352827423 | null | t5_2to41 | 129 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunk texting the girl I've had feelings for since high school.
~~I got dumped last week by my girlfriend of a year, and my friends took me out tonight trying to make me feel better. I initially didn't feel like going because I felt miserable as hell still, but there was promise of alcohol and cigarettes so I went.~~
~~About 11:30 at night, we're all already pretty wasted from Jäger shots and vodka. So what does dumb ass, extremely drunk, still heart broken me do?~~
~~Hey bro lets text that one chick whose like your best friend from high school and tell her everything! All your feelings for her, and all that shit! It'll be great!~~
~~Fuck you brain. Fuck. You.~~
~~It is now 5am here, and she replied. I'm just too much of a pussy to look at it. I have no clue what I'd say next.~~
~~Reddit, I fucked up... Big time.~~
~~META-EDIT: for those who were interested;~~
~~Hang on I'll copy the text and post it here.~~
~~EDIT: Doing one better, getting a screen shot. Just gotta wait for this app to download so I can blur out her name.~~
~~EDIT 2: every iPhone app I download to try and edit her name out has no way of importing pictures. Also I read her reply. She said she already knew (I guess I'm just that fucking obvious) and that you can't control your feelings. Fuuuu~~
~~EDIT 3: hallelujah! I found an app that worked. That only took 35 minutes >_> anyway here's the screen cap of the text. I guess I didn't reveal EVERYTHING, mostly just how I feel. http://imgur.com/DVSte.png Her reply was "I already knew. But it's okay. You can't help who you have feelings for."~~
~~To me, that seems like a giant "you've got no chance in hell" reply. Fuck me, right?~~
THE ONE EDIT TO RULE THEM ALL; Alright gents, she contacted me again. I asked what was wrong earlier, and it was as I feared. No, sadly, it wasn't about her punching the fuck out of her sister. It in fact was about her fighting with the guy she's talking to right now. So, technically, all might not be lost. If she ends up ditching him, perhaps I'll swoop in for the kill. Maybe. Probably not.
gth68: You're going to have to tell us what it says. You've got my attention now. I believe in you and whatnot.
FiveVidiots: Hang on ill copy the text and post it here.
EDIT: Doing one better, getting a screen shot. Just gotta wait for this app to download so I can blur out her name.
EDIT 2: every iPhone app I download to try and edit her name out has no way of importing pictures. Also I read her reply. She said she already knew (I guess I'm just that fucking obvious) and that you can't control your feelings. Fuuuu
EDIT 3: hallelujah! I found an app that worked. That only took 35 minutes >_> anyway here's the screen cap of the text. I guess I didn't reveal EVERYTHING, mostly just how I feel. http://imgur.com/DVSte.png
Her reply was "I already knew. But it's okay. You can't help who you have feelings for."
To me, that seems like a giant "you've got no chance in hell" reply. Fuck me, right?
RaymondTerrific: if your gonna pull the "i love you" drunk text. you need to throw in some bad spelling and syntax, like your reallly drunk.
FiveVidiots: I, unlike most people apparently, actually use auto correct. So most of the time, it catches everything. That's why everything looks so literate, because my auto-correct fixes damn near everything. Even typing a lower case 'i' and then hitting space capitalizes it for me. Honestly, I don't know why more people don't use it. It's like ultimate lazy mode. Until you try to type 'fuck' and it gives you 'duck' and you hit send before realizing it.
assum09: That is always so ducking annoying.
FiveVidiots: [Relevant.](http://imgur.com/Ucm9y)
| 7 | 18.428571 | |
1352824193 | 1352941866 | null | t5_2to41 | 931 | twitchyw: TIFU by using the worst line ever
I was at a bar with my buddy last night. I somewhat know the bartender from previous friends and hobbies that I've been into, but never really talked to her much other than small talk. She has a great sense of humor and can be pretty vulgar at times.
So I've grown a fancy towards her ever since I've been going to the bar she works at and chatting with her.
Last night she tells us this funny story of how her dildo broke, she drunkenly ordered way too many, and other shenanigans ensued.
As I was closing my tab, I call her over and ask, "Do you want my number?" To which she pauses and stares at me, then asks, "Why?"
For a few seconds I stood there not knowing what to say, so I blurted "Because you said your dildo was broken, and I thought I'd offer to help out."
She stares at me for another couple of seconds and starts laughing and saying 'what the hell?' a few times.
She gave me a hi-five on the way out for the weirdest line she's ever heard and the weirdest thing I've ever said to her. Nice.
tl;dr Don't use 'you said your dildo was broken...' as a pick up line
Update: Sorry about the delay. I decided not to update the story until I went back to the bar because nothing really came of the whole situation between the first post and now.
It was a bit more crowded this time around so I didn't get many chances to talk to her (the bartender). It seemed like everything was initially normal and not awkward at all. I followed some of your advice and didn't bring up the broken dildo again. I'll try to go back sooner than next week (if she works between now and then) to try to talk a little more.
Thanks for your patience, but so far nothing has come out of it. I'll keep trying though.
CaptainVulva: I think that's a charming line. Unfortunately I'm a guy.
nikkithebee: Well, you are Captain Vulva--you must know a thing or two, right?
CaptainVulva: Yes. My vulva telepathy tells me that many women would enjoy this line in the way it was intended, but they would have to already find the guy attractive, and/or feel horny, and/or have a quirky sense of humor.
nikkithebee: Dear God, it's like you read my vulva! HOW DID YOU KNOW?!
CaptainVulva: Vulvakinesis! I was bitten by a radioactive vulva...
nikkithebee: And now something something great power something responsibility.
Though if it were me personally, I'd use my power to have lots of sex.
CaptainVulva: The vulva telepathy by itself is not enough to pick out the women who want sex without (or with) emotional attachment :( It complicates matters, not knowing how they'll feel afterward
nikkithebee: This is the saddest thing I've read all day. There there, Captain Vulva. It'll be okay.
CaptainVulva: You are very kind. One day you will be one of the best grandmas ever.
nikkithebee: I'll remember that. And on that day when I receive my "#1 Gramma" sweatshirt from some snot-faced little munchkin, I'll get a wistful twinkle in my eye as I whisper, "Captain Vulva told me of this."
| 11 | 84.636364 | |
1352836167 | 1352945607 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | VeryHandy: TIFU by telling my GF the truth about a white lie.
About nine months ago - three months into the relationship - my GF and I were on a date. On that date we talked about my dating history. The gist of that conversation was that she feels insecure because she has only dated one other guy besides myself, and I've dated quite a bit of girls before her.
Upon walking out of the restaurant we run into a girl who was drinking at the bar. She says hello and I say hello, and we walk out. My GF asked me if that was one of my exes. She was, but of course I say 'no' because I knew she was feeling insecure about that specific thing.
Nine months later I tell her the truth about that incident because we had another conversation about my past, and that ex was specifically mentioned. The conversation was much more joking this time, so I figured she wouldn't be to bothered to know that she actually met that ex.
Now I'm in the dog house for lying.
edit: tl;dr Lied to my GF a long time ago and I told her the truth. Now I'm in trouble.
[deleted]: +1 for undeserved doghouse, +1 for owning up to your earlier lie.
[deleted]: I did something similar in my own relationship. I'm married now, we're still together, water under the bridge. I don't think you deserve the doghouse at all, but maybe your girl overreacted a bit. It happens. Give her a little time and she should be ok.
| 3 | 11 | |
1352841741 | 1352970363 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my grundle hair.
Actually did this last night, but paying huge consequences as of this moment. Second, I did it for the joking request of a girl that I am currently chasing (I thought she was serious).
As a man well into puberty (I'm 28) I have learned very quickly that the grundle serves as a valuable "lubricant" between my sweaty ass cheeks. Buffering the constant rubbing between them. I have been on my feet all day at school and work and about 20 minutes ago I looked at my chafed asshole in the mirror and had no other choice but to apply a hefty amount of cornstarch to my ass to serve as my temporary dry lubricant. IT HURTS EVERY STEP THAT I TAKE! Not only that, my asshair stubbles are digging into my balls. I am walking around like I took a shit in my pants and have no other choice but to walk bowlegged.
Anyway, this girl I have been talking to told me two days ago that she loves "a man with no hair down there" so I said fuck it and shaved EVERYTHING! I have a date with her tonight and i'm not too sure what to do in case sexy time happens.
If it hurts to all hell just walking.... I cringe at what might happen if i'm humping.
TIFU
uncannybuzzard: wax, don't shave.
FaKeShAdOw: I agree with waxing because:
> 1. Your hair will go away for like 2 weeks, instead of 2 days.
> 2. Your hair is more likely to return smaller and finer, instead of as annoying rough stubble. For some lucky individuals who practice waxing upkeep, it lessens the hair in the region at the same time so it's now all just soft and fine.
> 3. You feel like you've learned something about your ass.
TheSmokingGNU: >You feel like you've learned something about your ass.
... Like what, that waxing still hurts like a motherfucker?
ConstableOdo: Could be worse, I had the bright idea a few weeks ago to wax my forehead because I have a strong widow's peak. It was like getting punched in the skull every time I pulled it.
isoceans: Careful dude, you'll scalp yourself.
ConstableOdo: I did think my forehead would give before the hair
TheSmokingGNU: Yeah, the roots up top are a little more firmly anchored than down under. Watch yourself.
| 8 | 8 | |
1352846898 | 1352926825 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | TenTypesofBread: Last night I peed on my girlfriend's kitten [xpost r/funny]
http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/134tyv/reddit_last_night_i_peed_on_my_girlfriends_kitten/
self-post so I get no karma.
Enjoy, please.
thegreenmachine435: shit me to man!
TheSmokingGNU: what? Shit you to man? Which man, and how? I can't fit you in my ass, I'm pretty sure. (Just poking fun at you, feeling sick and I need to get some laughs.)
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1352863585 | 1352993005 | null | t5_2to41 | 183 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking my dad's advice
Hunting in the woods. Needed to poop. Had pooped in the woods many times before without issue. Dad says "There's a toilet built out in the woods over there," so I went.
4' wooden cube, essentially, with a hole cut out of the top. I set my flashlight down (it was dark,) then jumped onto the box, pants down. Mistake #1.
The impact of my ass on the "seat" made the flashlight bounce up, roll into the hole and land in a pile of ancient redneck shit. Yeah.
Used tp to retrieve the light, cursing my maker the whole time.
Wiped off the light.
Figured I was already there, already would need to scald hands in boiling water, so went ahead and did business.
Mistake #2. The side of the box my legs were resting against had a hole cut out of it as well, for reasons I don't understand. While doing work, I was peeing, and since my dick was underneath the lip of the hole, I peed straight through the OTHER hole onto my legs. Was wearing insulated carhartts, so didn't notice until too late.
TL;DR: Dropped a flashlight in a poo pile then peed on myself.
dirkalict: I'm guessing Bambi smelled you coming.
[deleted]: Oh yeah. Not sure I would have shot an elk if given the chance, anyhow. Mainly go because it makes my dad happy.
lerbius: GoodGuyGreg - "Doesn't like deer hunting, does it for dad"
Brofist.
[deleted]: thx man. It makes him really happy to go hunting; he's been doing it for decades. So I go, and I do have some fun. I'm just not a redneck, "Can't wait to kill some shit" kind of guy like many I know who hunt.
| 5 | 36.6 | |
1352876333 | 1352911053 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | throwawaycatanger: TIFU, I hit my cat. For some reason he makes me a madman.
My cat was laying on my chest, where he normally falls asleep every night since I got him about 3 months ago. I went to get something to munch on and put him down, he began to growl and hiss at me. I figured I may have startled him, so I tried to reassure him and speak softly to him.
He growled and hissed really loud. I dont know what happen, but I snapped. I smacked him on the top of his head pretty hard.
I guess from the amount of fear he pooped on the floor and hid under the couch.
I feel like SHIT.
So I calmed down, grabbed him showered him and tried to dry him, but he wouldnt let me, so hes back under the couch, but at least hes clean now. (He likes water/baths)
Why the fuck did I flip out? I think I want to give him away, I'm very afraid of what just happened.
uSmelGhey: I dont know why but im crying right now. Give him away to a good owner if you cant handle him, but make sure its not someone who will do the same thing.
theophrastzunz: Upboat dis if u cry evrytime
| 3 | 1 | |
1352886441 | 1353464737 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | student_nurse: TIFU by realizing I formatted my entire 35pg term paper incorrectly...6hrs before it's due.
Seriously. FML.
Cyberyukon: 35 pages? What's it on?
goblan: paper
vulchiegoodness: bahahahaah :D
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1352904336 | 1352954759 | null | t5_2to41 | 821 | mueslimonster: TIFU talking to a girl in the club
The local club had been handing out free t-shirts at the beginning of the night, and a cute girl that I'd struck up a chat with was wearing one of them. We're literally one minute into conversation, and she mentions liking the shirt. I agree, and I also want to keep the chat going. So I ask her what she had been wearing when she stepped into the club.
At least, that was my plan. Unfortunately, my brain fumbled a bit. I'm afraid my exact words were:
"Yeah, nice shirt! But I'd like to know... what are you wearing underneath that?"
She stared at me with a curious mixture of awe and disgust, then turned away saying some stuff about my terrible lack of manners. My attempts at explaining myself were sadly lost below the loud music. Too bad, she was really a very cute girl!
TL;DR: tried to make "TIF" happen, instead I got a "TIFU"
goblan: Next time go with the broken dildo line.
[deleted]: What is it?
mueslimonster: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/134ln1/tifu_by_using_the_worst_line_ever/
[deleted]: That is just game not fucking up.
misterraider: I would disagree.
[deleted]: Depends how he says it. If it is a naturally outgoing funny dude and he says it halfway purposely awkward I couldn't see it being creepy. Especially the way he described the girl.
| 7 | 117.285714 | |
1352908388 | 1352934951 | null | t5_2to41 | 356 | thezamboniguy: TIFU by grabbing the wrong Tim Hortons cup
For all those unaware of what Tim Hortons is, its the equivalent of a country wide crack dealer (that serves coffee in Canada)
So this morning I go get myself a coffee, come home and sit down to browse some reddit. Now over the last week or so I have had a pretty brutal chest cold. Yesterday I had left my Tim Hortons cup on my desk which had a very little bit of coffee left. After hacking up some green phlegm I spit it in to the coffee cup and forgot about. Well guess who just grabbed the wrong cup and took a nice big swig of cold coffee and phlegm? It hit the back of my throat and stuck there for a minute...that is until I puked it all up on the floor.
I know it isn't the best TIFU but seriously this shit just ruined my day.
verbalpunchingbag: every impression i do of a canadian includes a tim hortons reference
thezamboniguy: If your impression doesn't include a pet attack beaver, sled dogs, tim hortons, and igloo's it doesn't count.
nrfx: What if he just apologizes?
thezamboniguy: I'm sorry?
nrfx: There go you.
You are obviously Canadian.
thezamboniguy: I'm still sorry.
| 7 | 50.857143 | |
1352913247 | 1353090834 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | segalflock: TIFU by groping my coworkers boob.
So I was at work, putting up Christmas decorations (what the fuck it's not even Thanksgiving yet) and hung some mistletoe in our customer service area. We both are pretty flirty with each other but she has a boy friend and I don't mess with that. We were talking and I told her to go check something out across the area and slid up next to her when she walked under the mistletoe. I simply meant to put my arm on her shoulder and mess with her about the mistletoe, but I overshot and grabbed her boob. Whoops.
[deleted]: What was her reaction?
segalflock: Just awkward silence until we just started laughing about it later. Could have been worse.
lerbius: And then, sexytime?
[deleted]: no, then workplace awkwardness, which inadvertently leads to huge rambling apology, then back to friends. then boyfriend dumps her and she comes running to him for make-up sex !
I_Fuck_Pigs: So, it's a win-lose-lose situation?!
[deleted]: sadly, yes :(
| 7 | 10 | |
1352919038 | 1353464599 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | shutupkait: TIFU by burning the back of my throat
I was smoking a bowl and there was no screen in the pipe. I guess I sucked back an ember and it hit the back of my throat. My throat hurts and my ear is itchy. I fucked up.
chelzabo: *Fuck ouch* I have done this myself.
shutupkait: *It's just the worst*
vulchiegoodness: that totally sucks. :(
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1352916264 | 1353208014 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU my trig test that I studied all day and night for
So I had a trig test today. I procrastinated studying for this test all weekend by watching community and TWD. Since this Monday was a holiday I thought to myself, "I'll just study then". Monday came and I didn't do my homework for a minute. Yesterday I said, "Damn MR_WITTY_RESPONSE, get yo shit together!" I started studying like crazy, I did 3/5 chapters by staying up until 2AM. I got up at 6AM and started studying the last two chapters. My class was at 9:30 so I was cramming all this information into my brain. At 9AM I still had one chapter left. I said fuck it and got ready and went to the test.
I get to the class room, and the teacher is already handing out the tests. You know some teachers just wait a few mins incase someone is late or something, but this motherfucker was already handing the shit out like 2 mins early. So I get my test and I start working. After like 5 problems I start feeling really sleepy, I'd been running on only 4 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. I keep on going, thinking it'll be over soon. And then then I get to question 10. Motherfuckin' question 10.
It was so complicated and confusing (it actually wasn't), I spent 30 mins trying to figure it out. I was sleep deprived, and I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, so I wasn't thinking straight. I should've just skipped the stupid problem! By the time I figured it out, there was 5 mins left till time was up and I still had 10 questions left. I started panicking like crazy. I started working at what was left but wasn't doing to good.
When time was up I still had like 7 questions left and they ended up blank. And that's how I fucked up my trig test.
EDIT: grammar and stuff
mochibunny: You will be much more successful in highschool if you never ever pull all nighters before tests or quizzes. Trust me on this!
goblan: Rule does not apply when you go to college though.
[deleted]: I'm in college lol
hala3mi: You are in college and they only give you an exam in trigonometry ? that's weird.
[deleted]: I'm a doing a special program where you do the last two years of highschool and the first two years of college at the same time. So I have to take college level highschool classes at college.
hala3mi: Ah is this some sort of scholarship program? how old are you, could you expand further on how this works ?
[deleted]: No it's not. I'm 17. [This](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dual_enrollment) should explain it good. Basically by the time I finish highschool I will have my AA degree.
hala3mi: I see, are you planning to continue on to Bachelors or just settle with the AA degree?
[deleted]: I'm planning to become an MD
YouLookWeird: "I'd been running on only 4 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours."
"I was sleep deprived, and I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, so I wasn't thinking straight."
Good luck on med school.
| 11 | 2.454545 | |
1352914562 | 1353094218 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | IAmAQuantumMechanic: Today I fucked up my car
Well, it was actually not today, but a few weeks ago.
But today I was informed by the guys doing the service on my car that I have fucked up all my rims, and need to buy new ones. Apparently, with steel rims there are two ways to insert the lug nuts. Guess which one I chose?
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: My guess is the one that wore ovals in the rims? Did I win? You're lucky that the rims didn't wear and snap the studs. It would have been a lot worse if your wheels fell off.
IAmAQuantumMechanic: The lugs were coned in one direction, flat in the other. I didn't even think about there being a wrong way, but apparently, the coned shape goes into the holes. It's for centering of the wheel. Oh well, new alu rims for me.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: I'm glad you are turning your fuck up into an upgrade. Steel rims are just awful.
Zanejam: I don't know if this is true or not but just what I've heard... do steel rims weigh ~8Kg, not sure what that is in lb's
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Aluminum rims are usually the same weight as steel because the aluminum has to be thicker to get the same strength. Some say you get better performance from an aluminum rim. I would think that it also depends on the alloy mix used for the rim. The down side is that aluminum can be bent or cracked more easily. In my opinion aluminum looks better than steel with one exception. I love my [Rally](http://www.ecklerscorvette.com/corvette-rally-wheels-chrome-15-x-8-1969-1982.html) rims.
Puttzdog: I actually prefer steel rim to aluminum. Most it's because I've always driven older more worn out vehicles but i find aluminum rims are usually just warp enough by 100k miles or so that they leak air to the point where i need to fill it weekly. Never run into this with steel.
| 7 | 4.142857 | |
1352931354 | 1353078851 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Nath_O: TIFU by accidentally drinking soap.
Ok so I was washing my hands to take my contact lenses out. As anyone with contacts with tell you, you wash with soap prior to prevent infection.
Anyway, I press down on the soap and liquid cleanliness pours onto my hands. I do my thing and dispose of the lenses. Next I fill my pink ice-age cup up with water to drink from. I lift it up and notice a strange smell, like lavender... Nevertheless, I swallow my water and realize I've made a huge mistake. A huge glob of liquid cleanliness flew into the cup and mixed with the water to become an incognito concoction of lavender and H2O. It took several swigs of mouthwash to not be a soapy-breathing-dragon.
Tl;dr. Following eye-hygiene, ended up being a soapy-dragon with the cleanest teeth in all the land.
[deleted]: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLLLLOLLOOOLOOLOLKOPLLOLOLOPLLL
OPLOPLOPLP[LOPKPOKL;P.OPLOPOKOP[LLLLLLP[KIOPFJWE8000902W=q
2-ksdlpkkepo
[deleted]: This way please: www.reddit.com/r/im14andthisisfunny
Saicotic: I'm 12 and what is this
[deleted]: ur mom
| 5 | 6 | |
1352937951 | 1353120348 | null | t5_2to41 | 612 | floppycat: TIFU By gambling on a fart, at work.
Gambled and lost. Here's a little backstory. For the last few days I've been battling a cold/flu, and taking a bunch of cough syrup and vitamin c and stuff that generally loosens your ass up haha. My girlfriend picked it up from me too, although today she woke up and had to puke. I didn't think it was really related to my own sickness until I got half way through my shift today. I work as a cashier at a food store and I was serving this nice old couple. I feel this rumble in my gut and think oh fuck, that means I'm gonna get the shits after work. I was wrong. I tried farting a minute later, expecting the gut rumblies to just be something I could worry about later today. I gambled and lost with that fart.
Absolute horror must have struck my face; I had unleashed a fiery brown lava flow into my boxers as I stood serving the old couple. I could feel something squish in my pants and I carried on packing the customers groceries in a very hasty manner. I told a coworking I was going to go upstairs for a minute, and tried to not look like I was shuffling for the stairs. I looked behind in fear that there would be some sort of brown trail on the floor, but all was mostly okay.
I spent the next 15 minutes shitting a horrid bubbly mess and attempted to clean my boxers. Luckily the poopjuice never made it to the edge of them. I heard them calling me back to cash on the intercom 3-4 times, after which I went back down and told them I was puking.
I ended up getting a ride home and my girlfriend questioned what had happened. I told her once we got back to the house, where she hovered outside the bathroom laughing at me.
**TLDR: So if you are sick, and you take too much vitamin C and benylin; they will loosen your sphincter and cause the worst greasiest shits, don't gamble on those farts at work either.**
Israndel: Time to reset the "Days Since Reddit Last Shat Itself" counter.
Ghost17088: Can this be a thing? Can somebody add this feature in to TIFU?
[deleted]: It would be cool, but i'm sure there are plenty out there willing to write a fake sharting story just to break the shitless droughts.
Ghost17088: Lol, you know you're desperate for Karma when you make up a story about shitting yourself.
Treycoolis: No karma for self posts.
joshthelegodude: OP got 30 comment karma on this thread
seekfear: He can have it, to wipe the shit off.
fedoramafia: ouch... that's like using sandpaper.
| 9 | 68 | |
1352951457 | 1352952046 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | chatttheleaper: TIFU my friend and my chances with a girl in class
My friend and I both have a crush on a girl. Difference is, he knows her and has more classes with her. I was lucky enough to have her seated with me in class, but I haven't managed to find a good way open up a conversation. So, we both have said enough things about her to ruin the other's chances with her. So, we have this fact pointed at each other's throats. Anyway, as I was leaving this class (which is the last class of the day, and everyone uses a door that immediately leads outside) and talking with said friend, who for this post's sake I'll call John ("Plain name, but I won't forget it") I mentioned in a gloating tone that I was coming close to talking with her. Right as that left my mouth, I looked up and saw her not 6 feet away. I'm not sure if she heard, but if she did, my tone made it obvious enough what I was talking about. So far, nothibg's happened, but that could change.
goblan: >I mentioned in a gloating tone that I was coming close to talking with her
So much to brag about here everyone, take notes
chatttheleaper: Well, not exactly gloating.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1353012185 | 1353131453 | null | t5_2to41 | 181 | [deleted]: TIFU saying something inappropriate in French to the French teacher
Ok, it technically wasn't today, but bear with me. I kept hearing people exchange the phrase along the class, "voulez vous-couchez avec moi, ce soir?" So what happened was that people were pronouncing it very badly, so it didn't sound bad. I though that it was just a random thing.
So I thought that it'd be cool to share it with the female french teacher. A lesson began, and in front of the whole class, I told her that phrase. "Voulez vous couchez avec moi, ce soir?(Only with the bad pronunciation)" She raised an eyebrow, and had a sort of "WTF??!!" Face. She's like "Do you want to sleep with me? What?" And then I just felt like melting. I didn't know it, and I was hugely embarrassed. It then came to me, that sentence and it's meaning. Damn.
TL;DR TIFU by unknowingly saying "do you want to sleep with me" to the female french teacher
fenney: You should know what most of those words meant. You are either just beginning french or are not very good at french.
[deleted]: It's just the way they said it, was very weird. When I heard someone else properly pronounce it, then it got to me. It sounded like "voulez voovoochey avec soir?" I was in year 9 at the time and didn't see what was bad. Now I've finished the course
Talran: Year 9.... Should have slept with her.
[deleted]: Oh god no.
TheCakeFlavor: Why, is she one of the old wrinkly ones?
[deleted]: She's old, yeah
| 7 | 25.857143 | |
1353017861 | 1368825902 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,804 | ta7894: TIFU having sex the first time after my wife gave birth and accidentally insulting her.
My wife and I had a baby three months ago. We love our baby more than anything, but it's been tough. She had a difficult pregnancy and an even worse delivery. She's had hardcore body issues and was diagnosed with post partum depression about a month after the birth. The result of all of this is that we haven't had sex since she was 5 months pregnant, and since our baby was a premie, it's been altogether 6 months since we've had sex. Half a year. As you can imagine, I've been very frustrated.
Last night we had sex for the first time. I've been gearing up for this for about a month, leaving love notes around and taking her on special dates whenever we can manage. Last night the baby stayed at grandma's house, so I took her to a romantic dinner and then we took a walk along the lake. When we got back we went upstairs and things began to escalate, ending up with us in bed.
I made sure to include a lot of foreplay, especially going down on her. She didn't come from oral like she usually does, but I went down on her for at least half an hour, and from her noises and movements she was enjoying it. When it came down time to finally do the deed, I made sure to add lube and go slow. It was pretty amazing, after 6 months of nothing, and it was all I do to focus everything I had on not blowing my load after the first 5 thrusts.
Then I noticed she was crying. I stopped and asked her if she was okay or if she was hurt, and she was trying to tell me to keep going and to ignore it. Obviously I stopped. I tried to comfort her and ask her what was wrong, and after quite a bit of crying and talking she finally said that it did hurt, but that was only the start. This opened a whole can of worms of body issues, and she started unloading on how much she hated her body- and she used the term *hate*. Her body definitely isn't what it was before, but I tried my best to talk to her. I told her that she had a baby and that changes your body.
Then I said, for no other reason than I'm an idiot and have no idea how to handle emotional women, "You can always lose the weight later." She looked at me like shewas horrified, and I knew it fucked up. Except it gets worse, because then I said "I just mean to say that it's normal that your body isn't what it used to be."
She went from crying to bawling, and I slept on the couch. In the morning she didn't even look at me before she left to pick up the baby. I haven't talked to her all day, and I'm dreading going home after work. I done fucked up, reddit.
stokleplinger: Wow.... Sorry to hear that one, dude. The first time my wife and I did it afterwards I fucked up a bit too... After... erm, insertion... she asked if it was the same and I said, "Eh, I guess... I mean, it feels a little hollow in there, something's different." That one took a few weeks to unwind... She's way over it now, but she still brings it up every now and again.
Good luck with that.
the4thbandit: Did *it* ever go back to normal?
Im uncomfortable asking that for the record lol. Curiosity is a bitch though.
bloombirdie: I don't think normal is the right word to use here. A woman's body is made for childbirth, so being post-baby in no way means her body is less than normal. If anything, NOW it's normal.
AsteroidShark: But doesn't that wording imply that if a woman chooses to be childless that she's not normal? Anyway I think what they meant by "normal" is just "the way it had felt for the majority of the time", right? Probably no need to pick at the wording.
the_beans: Ahem... We're child*free*, thank you.
AsteroidShark: I didn't realize that a term that means not having children is more offensive than a term that means not having children... whoops. Each one sounds just as good to me!
pretzelzetzel: It's not. /r/childfree are a bunch of cunts.
AsteroidShark: You know, I took it with a grain of salt when you called them a bunch of cunts. So I hopped on over there to see for myself. What *cunts*.
thebearofwisdom: Same actually, I've made a personal choice not to have kids. I am better with animals. HOWEVER, I do not make other people feel bad for having children, because, last time I checked, both myself and a parent CHOSE our lives. They want people to respect their choices, they have to respect others as well. I get annoyed when my family ask me when I'm settling down and tell me I'm selfish for not wanting children, but I dont have a go at them for their choices, I wouldnt be here otherwise.
AsteroidShark: You know I always have such a difficult time understanding whether it's selfish or selfless to make the choice to not have children. People can make the choice to not have children because they *truly* understand the gravity of raising and being responsible for another human being and how difficult it can be and how easily you can screw it up. It seems almost selfless to go against any biological instincts (and shit like OH LOOK HOW CUTE BABIES ARE AND THEIR WIDDLE CLOTHES) and know that not having children is the best option.
I personally decided that I never wanted children when I was about 17. Something hit me the one day and I remember the exact moment. I was flipping through the channels and caught a dramatization of a woman giving birth on the show E.R. I saw it and realized that I never wanted to make that kind of sacrifice for someone... along with all of the other things parenting entailed.
So I went on birth control and ended up pregnant because it failed, lol. Shit happens.
I can feel both sides of the coin though. What I can't feel is some of the total disrespect people have for others' choices. If you're not a shitty parent, why should I have an issue with you? If you're not a shitty non-parent, why should I have an issue with you? I think people get too stuck on their own life choices and believe it's the only right way to do life. Pretty narrow-minded if you ask me.
Edit: "tell me I'm selfish for not wanting children" Why do people want to insult your qualities and then still believe that you should have children?! UGH.
thebearofwisdom: Some of my family members are pretty 'traditional' and its apparently 'my duty' to have kids. Being a woman an all. Dont get me wrong, its horrible and fucked up when people really want children and cant have them, but I dont feel that just because I have womb, it needs a baby in it. Its very very narrow minded to judge other for their choices. I dont know that my way of life is correct, I try to be a good person, I dont judge others, I try to look after my family and my cats. I have a lot of love to give, but I have medical reasons meaning it would be a complete mind fuck for me to have kids, and to be honest, I dont want to bring a kid into the world and not be able to look after them properly. Those first couple of years are so important for development, and I just couldnt guarantee I'd be a stable person at that time. Personally I think my choice is not selfish, I dont want to be put under pressure of raising a person. A lot of things happened when I was growing up, and I'd hate to have a kid and them end up feeling like I do about my childhood. Like I said I cant guarantee I'd be able to provide a good stable life, and I dont have the answers on how to raise a well adjusted kid. I just cant imagine that responsibility.
AsteroidShark: True that. I worried about myself too (I was mentally and emotionally fucked at the time I got pregnant) but somehow we pulled through and this kid is the shit. I don't know that I'd want to risk having another one and possibly screwing up as I know first hand now how difficult it was the first time.
thebearofwisdom: thats super sweet that your kid is badass, I get really happy about other people having little ones, same when they get married, but I just dont want it for myself. I'm really glad you got through that, you've made a massive achievement, going through something so emotionally strenuous and physically difficult, you did it!
| 14 | 128.857143 | |
1353015617 | 1353087122 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my best pal what a douche he is towards women.
I (female) told my best pal and partner in crime that he was a misogynistic prick because he goes through women like toilet paper and that I was tired of cleaning up after him. This was after he helped me through a divorce and emotional breakdown. I am an asshole.
[deleted]: How long ago were you friendzoned?
DIYorDye: about 4 years ago. I was married and we never went past being pals. I won't sleep with him now because of concern over him having some kind of std.....
[deleted]: That's probably a valid concern and says a lot for your judgement. Sorry your marriage didn't work out, but good luck with Charlie Sheen as your wingman.
DIYorDye: HAHA! Thanks, I have a new nickname now.
[deleted]: Haha just start calling him Tiger, and see if he gets it.
DIYorDye: Done and done :)
[deleted]: Hahaha-wish I could be a fly on the wall!
| 8 | 4.5 | |
1353022374 | 1353209866 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | MoorbBork: TIFU: by cutting all my hair off
Basically the lady is now not attracted to me now that I've cut my hair off. Wee been arguing a lot lately and this didn't help. Now because I made an ini lave decision without her consent I'm gonna cheat and do wrong. I have no plans to do any such thing. So now I have to suffer the "consequences" because my girlfriend rinks I'm uglier than sin. So now I sit with, as she calls them, our "indifferences." I feel I didn't do anything wrong but it sure as shit is funny to me. Also it's now colder than fuck!!! My hair was a good eight to ten inches long.
[deleted]: I shave my head all the time. I find a closely-shaved head easier to maintain.
[deleted]: I had medium length hair (I'm a guy) until I was 18, a year ago. Shaved all of my hair off. I was so upset that I hadn't done it years ago. I'm never going back.
LordXenu40: Agreed, I had hair going halfway down my back but once I cut it, IT FEELS AMAZING
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1353020406 | 1353025513 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | worriedaboutroommate: TIFUpdate 3 I almost kissed my roommate
I was asked for an update on what's happening with [this situation](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1237zz/tifupdate_2_i_almost_kissed_my_roommate/) by a few people. I don't know how much there is to update. It's been a while, almost a month, and so far we've been quite happy together. In the past month we've both had some things happen in our families that really stretched both of us to the limit emotionally, and we were both extremely supportive of one another. I don't know how I would have done it without her. The roommate-to-dating thing doesn't work for many, but so far it's been working for us. There's nothing better than coming home and seeing her there.
No fuckups, really. So to appease those who desire fuckups, I got rear ended while I was picking my nose and got a huge bloody nose.
tavius02: I love reading about when this sort of thing works out.
ibopm: Yeah, thank god he was picking his nose. I don't know if I could stay subscribed to this subreddit if he had his hands on the steering wheel.
| 3 | 32 | |
1353022973 | 1353083984 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Helloandwelcome: TIFU whilst shaving in No Shave November
Just letting you all know I cut my balls with the electric hair trimmer whilst prepping for a date just now. That is all. I'm sharing with you Reddit because I am far too embarrassed to tell anyone else. I feel ashamed with myself haha.
On the plus side, between this and my frivolous attempt at No Shave November its going to be a great date.
Hope everyone else is having a wonderful day :)
Thickensick: In case you get lucky, are you just going to try to shrug it off as a "sore"?
Helloandwelcome: Well if I had to describe it's location I would say the cut resides at the top of the sack where it meets the shaft. Shrugging it off as a "sore" may be a possibility but what I may have to endure afterwards may not be haha and I'm no hard man.
Also I had no intention of getting lucky tonight, this just furthers my cause. I just wanted to look good all over. Look good, feel good, Feel good, play good.
HIIIPPYFLIP: Aww, a scrotum pinnacle laceration...textbook ball shaving
| 4 | 2 | |
1353026218 | 1353123955 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | McMaxwell: TIFU by eating naked.
This happened about 15 minutes ago, I've just got out of the shower after cleaning myself up.
So There I was, lying in bed, redditing,thinking of winding down and getting some sleep, when all of a sudden I feel hungry. Like many of you will too, I sleep naked, and I can't go to sleep on an empty stomach or I just won't get any sleep.
Luckily, I work in a fish and chip shop, and when there is food left over at closing time, the staff get to take it home free. The rest of the staff have been there longer than me, so they never want to take any food, meaning I end up taking about 5 portions of chips, lots of sausages, fish etc home with me... why waste it in the shop when it can get wasted in my house? Anyway, tonight there was my all time favourite... curry sauce. For those of you who don't know the glory that is British chip shop curry sauce... it is absolutely beautiful. This was clearly the right choice: chips and curry sauce.
My brother is out on a work expedition for the next few days, so I have the house to myself. "Why put clothes on then?" I thought, as I got out of bed to satisfy my stomach's urges. Upon placing the first curry-soaked chip in my mouth, my hunger truly hit me... I was fucking famished. Before I know it, I was shovelling food in handful at a time. However, my mouth soon struggled to keep up with my hands, and one handful too many pushed the food in my mouth far enough back to trigger my gag reflex. I lurched at this, causing a leak of curry sauce and semi-chewed chip all down my chin and chest. Some curry sauce even managed to enter my pubic regions. So there I was, in the middle of the kitchen, bollock naked, curry sauce all down the front of my body. It was at this point that I looked out the window.
Standing there was a middle aged woman taking her dog for a midnight walk, in utter shock as she regarded the curry-soaked spectacle that was me. I have no idea how long she was watching me, but the few seconds of eye contact which followed were definitely the most awkward of my life so far. One of us had to break the eye contact, so I ran out the room and into the shower, where I stood laughing for a good few minutes before washing the food off myself.
Somehow, I don't think she'll be walking her dog down my street for a while...
**TL;DR: Had a nude stare down through my kitchen window with a random dog walker, whilst covered in curry sauce.**
more_tea_stanley: This image in my head is hilarious. Thank you.
McMaxwell: It was pretty funny looking back on it... good pub story haha
CasioKnight: This there a brand of curry sauce you would recommend? Australian here, never heard of it before but now it's all I can think of.
Perhaps because of the shared history of fish and chips.
AnnieIWillKnow: Chip sauce curry sauce isn't really branded, i don't think it's the same as stuff you'd buy in supermarkets.
CasioKnight: Thanks, I'm going to go make some!
| 6 | 19.666667 | |
1353025989 | 1353031922 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by not paying attention
So, I work at a small grocery store in my home town. It's owned by my relatives and has been a local business for over 100 years. A big thing that we have going for us is our meat department, and our service. We have bag-boys who will carry out your groceries for you and do in-town house calls (where we deliver to houses). Today, was one of my customary days to be a bag-boy. A particularly normal customer walked in and as usual went about getting her groceries. I noticed she was getting a more than normal amount of meat and groceries. After she proceeded to the check-out, I bagged her things as per usual, into the cart, and like always offered to carry them out. She smiled, said 'lead the way!' and we headed outside. Now our store happens to be situated right along side the busiest street in our town. And she always parks in the parking spot closest to the street and the doors to the store (for the ease of not having to walk far, since she has a bad back).
Well, as we arrive at her car, I position the cart in a crevice in the ground so it won't move, and start to unload her things into her front seat. Somehow, my foot or some part of my body must have hit the cart without my noticing. And with the extra weight of more things than usual in the cart, it came free from its stationary position. Well I wasn't paying attention so the cart happily rolled away, into oncoming traffic. My luck, it went in front of a semi. A FREAKING SEMI PEOPLE. And those don't stop on a dime. I turned to grab more things in time to see it happen.
*SCREEEEEECH BAM*! Oh look at that, flying groceries. It all happened so fast it took me a while to register it all. Finally when i come to, I see the chaos i just caused. There are groceries scattered all over the street, stopping traffic. A mangled cart blocking the right side of street. A dazed semi-driver who looks just as confused as I am. To make matter worse, she had tons of canned foods which ended up landing on a passing car, denting the shit out of the hood. She's horrified at whats occurred, and looks like she might kill me. Oh hey, here comes my boss! What happened? Oh nothing really. So, yea.. I cleaned up everything off the streets, got her all new groceries, apologized to her, the semi-driver, the other driver, and my boss (who's my uncle), and removed the cart from the street, I walk back in and realize that the financial toll this is going to take on me is HUGE. I will probably have to pay for her groceries, a new grocery cart, and damages to the persons hood. I don't know how much, but it's 73.36$ for the groceries, at least 65$ for the cart, and who knows what for the hood. Reddit, I REALLY fucked up.
TL;DR // I accidentally pushed a grocery cart full of groceries into oncoming traffic and caused mass chaos while at work. Super embarrassed and going to have at least 200$ + in groceries and damages to pay for.
McBullseye: This is what business insurance is for.
[deleted]: business insurance? not here!
vasharpshooter: Oh yea by law.
[deleted]: Privately owned business. So no, not by law
EDIT: also, it's by the owner/shareholders discression
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1353032233 | 1353056463 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU By breaking up with my girlfriend
Instead of talking about my problems and other things going on in my life to her so she would understand what was going on instead i decided to turn tail and walk away like a coward. There's no turning back or trying to talk to her i have tried my best. She has her mind made up and it's my fuck up i may regret the rest of my life. Sorry for any grammar fuck ups.
Notemy: If you don't even feel like you can talk to her about your problems then there is not much you can do. Breaking up should also be the last thing on your mind in a relationship, if it's not then it's clearly not the love of your life so you will definitely not have to regret this all your life unless you ~~life~~EDIT:like torturing yourself.
Is this your first breakup? Then congratulations, learn how to deal with it and allow yourself to move on.
[deleted]: I totally agree. It can be difficult, but if you can't talk through every single problem, it's not worth your time or hers.
| 3 | 4 | |
1353034570 | 1353230349 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | ThrowAwayCigar: TIFU by accidentally sucking my own period blood off of my boyfriend's dick.
Well, it's pretty self-explanatory, but here goes.
The lights are down. The mood is up. Things are getting hot. We commence sexy-time and after many, many wonderful minutes of glorious thrusting and several of my orgasms, he's ready for one of his own. He pulls out (no condom because we trust each other and we use the pull-out method occasionally and I know it's bad but I'm not hear for your safe-sex talks!) and I begin to give him a blowjob so he can finish in my mouth. Mid-mouth-thrust, I notice an odd taste. Slightly metallic. *Umm...Okay..just keep going with the flow, I guess?* I think to myself. I had no idea the cruel irony of my thoughts until I open my eyes and notice the tell-tale rust-red of drying period blood at the base of his cock.
Oh, God.
I stop, sit back on my heels. Blink. Try and process *what the fuck I had just done.* And then came the dry-heaving.
My boyfriend told me later that he thought I had started my period earlier that day because his dick looked a little darker than normal when we were having morning sex. Uhh, thanks for telling me.
**TL;DR: Just read the fucking title.**
Note: Looking back on it, period blood doesn't taste as bad as you would think. I would have kept going if I hadn't of looked, because I wouldn't have known. Don't worry, though, I'm disgusted with my surprising lack of disgust at a clearly disgusting situation.
tripuri: I get that you're not here for my safe sex talk, but you are aware that you can become pregnant even though he pulls out?
Which would be kind of ironic, I guess, in the context of your anecdote, since if that happened, you wouldn't have to worry about a recurrence for several months!
Aquanker: you'd think a disclaimer would just be respected...."I know you not here for safe sex talk...." then why talk? That's like yelling at someone walking by "HEY SAFE SEX YOU NEED?" when he's wearing a shirt saying No.
tripuri: I did actually consider that. Here's how I lost that argument with myself:
She seemed to have some awareness of the risks of disease, but I couldn't find anything to indicate she had a similar grasp of the reproduction process, and since pregnancy is technically not a disease anyway, I decided to err on the side of conscience.
[deleted]: Well she didn't specify her age but assuming she isn't some high school girl I just figured it was none of my business. My boyfriend and I don't use protection either but he pulls out. We are both 23, I work part time, he is in Military, and are both quite aware of pregnancy possibilities. In fact the one time he didn't pull out I got pregnant and miscarried at 4 weeks. Since then we just stick to the pull out method.
We're not actively trying though to be honest i'd be pretty thrilled and so would he though realistically it would best to wait at least 3 more years. But considering that we only see each other every 3-4 months anyways the risks are pretty slim as well. So just going by my own experience and life I tend not to judge people about these things. Just my lame input.
tripuri: One thing I've learned here, is *never* to just assume the person is old enough to be in high school.
[deleted]: You do make a good point lol. I guess I just have way to much trust/faith in humanity at times that I hold out hope that a 14 year old girl wouldn't brag about not using condoms. o.o
tripuri: Another thing I've learned in the short time I've been here, sometimes they're 12.
| 8 | 3.75 | |
1353043927 | 1353840576 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | KyleneJudith: TIFU by watching A Clockwork Orange with my grandmother.
No one ever told me how disturbing that movie is, and it was on Netflix. What better way to entertain an 87 year old woman?
AnnieIWillKnow: This is like the time I watched 'Shame' with my mum without knowing what it's about...
diosmuerteborracho: I watched Deliverance with my dad. Should I do Shame with my mom too?
AnnieIWillKnow: Hmmmm, depends on how much she wants to see Michael Fassbender naked (it is a magnificent sight, I assure you).
Splankdigit: Shame was wonderful, but terribly sad. Fass breaks my heart. :(
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1353066260 | 1353067147 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | ArtVandeley: TIFU while going through my gf's phone messages, by accidentally calling her best friend
While she was in the bathroom I did that jealous stupid thing, then I started a call to the guy, and then I minimized the call, so it took me long enough to end the call that his phone probably rang 2 or 3 times...
He'll ask why did she call, she'll go through her phone's call record and recall she left me alone with it.
This was less than an hour ago, so here I am waiting. I fucked up.
Also we've been boyfriends for just 3 weeks, fuck!
TeTris84: Couldn't you delete the call?
ArtVandeley: fucking panicked...
just got an email from her... "let me know when I can call you, I want to ask you sthing"
shit
| 3 | 1 | |
1353088423 | 1353099409 | t3_13ans4 | t5_2to41 | 19 | koala7: condoms you know
AlphaQRough: There's always a risk of them breaking, plus not all STDs are blocked
jacqueofalltrades: So just never have sex is what you're saying?
AlphaQRough: No, what I'm saying is, be prepared to face the consequences of any action you're doing. Sex is no different. If you're engaging in sexual intercourse, accept the fact that there is a chance you could get her pregnant/get pregnant/get an STD. If you can't, then you shouldn't be having sex, and condoms aren't always an easy way out.
jacqueofalltrades: Well, obviously.
But is it really necessary to say WATCH OUT FOR STDS every time someone mentions to wear a condom? Jesus.
AlphaQRough: And WATCH OUT FOR GETTING PREGNANT IN CASE IT BREAKS. In case you forgot that part. Having a rough day?
jacqueofalltrades: Yes. :(
Haha, sorry for being a dick.
AlphaQRough: We cool, we all have them. Yesterday I was feeling quite awful and went on a rampage of being a dick comments. Hope you feel better!
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1353070681 | 1353118428 | null | t5_2to41 | 401 | im_tw1g: TIFU. Fucking No Fap.
Well, Nofap November caught my eye. I had read about the supposed benefits of it so I though I would give it a try.
I personally did not see the benefits, and so on my 17th night (from Halloween) I ended my streak. A little too enthusiastically.
I didn't really anticipate that 17 nights of buildup would go all over my shirt. Or my iPod. That's right, I'm typing this over a thin layer of badly wiped semen. Wearing a shirt splattered with potential babies.
I'll go get changed.
ozi_kaninchen: I got circumcised today. I will have about 4-5 weeks of salty yoghurt stored up by the end. A flow of biblical proportions like OP's coming..
**Edit:** I got circumcised because I have always had quite a tight foreskin, but I developed a condition called BXO from having 'Activity' with my last girlfriend. This meant the foreskin started to become fibrous scar tissue towards the end, and I was getting some longitudinal tearing (uncomfortable, not painful) at the end.
It was pretty fucking sore when I tried to pull it down, so I got a referral to get it cut because I knew it was getting worse. Right now I have a gauze around the end, and soon I'm going to have to shower and try and take it off. Oh god.
Thanks for the kind wishes though.. Seriously, if you need it getting done, just do it. Don't leave it because it will just end up getting worse. With BXO the foreskin can completely seal shut, and even start to seal into the urethra... There is even a small risk of cancer if left for many years.
I was embarrassed at first and a lot of my friends don't know, but it's just one of those things that has got to be done. However I'm not leaving the house until it stops hurting because I have to walk around in baggy basketball shorts holding the waistband about 6 inches from my body to avoid contact.
**TL;DR:** Get a circumcision if you need it - Problems will arise in later life.
PunchingClouzot: Poor poor poor you.
I remember waking up in the morning with excruciating pain, the endless weeks where it's not only masturbation, its even a simple erection. And it just keeps getting harder (har har har).
Good luck, seriously good luck.
ozi_kaninchen: I'm bracing myself.. Good opportunity to learn erection control I guess, haha! Thanks for the wishes.. At times like this you feel like the only one in this situation..
PunchingClouzot: Yeah control yourself but be careful. Stay in places where you can go to the toilets to change the gauze often, if you sleep with a SO prepare her that you will wake up in the morning screaming at least once, especially after week 2. Avoid films with sex scenes in the beginning because you don't need a full erection to start the pain. But more importantly, don't panic. Its easy to freak out as you start getting paranoid that the stitches are coming out and blood is pouring. Just calm down, all is well, don't worry. In three weeks you'll be fine and go to town, just hang in there.
ozi_kaninchen: Thanks for the advice! There is a lot of swelling at the moment, but the main issue is sensitivity, not the stitches as much. I had an erection yesterday and there wasn't too much pain, it's just when clothing touches it. Anything touching it is like sandpaper..
PunchingClouzot: Gauze is your best friend for that. In the beginning i changed mine about 3 times a day. Some anti-septic and it should be good. After a couple of days the stitches will start hurting and you'll be very self-aware that they're there. Thats when erections suck (oh, if only....).
Sorry if there are any mistakes, im a bit drunk now and thinking in two languages.
Edit: also, senstivity is a bitch. Just so you now, that will be an issue for quite a few months. Then it gets awesome but jesus mine was like that for more than 6 months.
ozi_kaninchen: Oh shit. I'm so glad I'm on summer break now.. Got GTA IV and the expansions to play through, so just sitting around should help. When should the stitches stop hurting a lot? There is a lot of bleeding at the moment.. I'm worried to get in the bath and take off the gauze too :S
Where are you from? I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't have said - Your English is perfect :)
Urrrrrgh looks like I'll be wearing a condom out in public, hahahaha.
| 8 | 50.125 | |
1353089560 | 1353118013 | t3_13alo1 | t5_2to41 | 23 | austex_mike: If your fetish is jerking it where everyone can see, yes it is childish.
Falathras: Yes, children masturbate in public all the time.
Furthermore, certainly being a child is objectively bad and any traits that might be accused of being "childish" should be quickly destroyed.
mjfikes: being an adult and acting like a child is bad, yeah. It means grow the hell up
Falathras: Okay. Could you phrase that in a convincing and reasonably logical argument that has some tangible semantic content?
mjfikes: maybe, if you can do more for your argument than set up a straw man
Falathras: Right, sorry. Probably for an argument like this we should define what constitutes acting like a child/being childish. What do we mean by childish in this case? Self-centered? Naive?
mjfikes: selfishness(putting self-gratification above the consideration of others), naivety(thinking that rubbing one out in a public space wouldn't be any kind of problem), touching yourself in public(typically parents get their kids to stop doing that at a young age),lack of self-control(couldn't wait until the laundry was done). I assume from your argumentative comments that you are in favor of public masturbation. Don't get caught!
Falathras: Fair enough. I'll agree that selfishness, naivety and lack of self-control are in general bad things, and OP carelessly masturbating in a public laundry room was a bad idea.
Mackeja: Wait...Where did the argument go that you had to GRANT that?
Falathras: To a wondrous place where everything is open to question and nothing is taken for granted.
| 10 | 2.3 | |
1353057529 | 1353085121 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | lurkernomore93: TIFU by making my crush feel like shit.
I was studying in a cafe, immersed in my poli sci notes. My crush asked if he could join me. I said yes, maybe a little too eagerly, and moved my stuff aside. I asked him about his Thanksgiving plans. He started to ramble and I was still looking at my notes.
"It'll be good to go back to Florida because her cancer got even worse. I'm not sure if she'll even make it."
"Oh, really? Cool! It's so damn cold here," I blurted out, smiling at him. And then I realized he'd been talking about his mom, who has Stage IV melanoma, while I was half listening.
We both kind of stared at each other, and he said he had to head to class. I felt like banging my head against the table.
I sent him a long apology on Facebook (shockingly he hasn't unfriended me), saying my mind was elsewhere. Usually he leaves long replies. His response? "no worries." That's all. Also I know his schedule and later realized he didn't have class. He didn't want to be around me so he lied.
TofuFirm: What the heck was he thinking bringing that up in such casual conversation anyways? :/
[deleted]: I agree. Should have chosen a better setting.
| 3 | 16 | |
1353080881 | 1353899098 | null | t5_2to41 | 972 | facetious_journalist: TIFU by taking a date to see Skyfall
Right, I'd been waiting to see this movie for what seemed like a fucking age. Mention this fact many times at work and once again at a dinner party on the eve of the debut here. I know that this might seem sad but fuck you - I wasn't going to be getting much sleep on the count of the film. Aaanyway, my sister-in-law's sister was at this dinner party and pipes up that she's been dying to see it too! Yay! So my brother's wife says that I should take her the next night. Fucking lady troll - all I wanted to do was sit on my own in the dark and eat criminally expensive treats.
She was staying with my brother at the time and he wanted her out of his fucking house for the night so he could do the old horizontal river dance in peace. Being the meek little cunt I am, I agreed.
Star-swipe to the next night. Pick her up and she's gone all out for it - I mean low neck line and some sort of fuzzy shoes. Still in work clothes, thought about getting changed but felt uninspired. We get there and I pay for the tickets and the treats, almost 60 fucking dollars. Fuck my fucking brother and his wife.
Sneak a quick cigarette outside before the session begins; date looks unimpressed. I offer her one and she just asks for a drag from mine - hadn't had anyone ask me that since the big college herpes epidemic of '09. We go in and find some seats that were just OK, could have gotten better ones if I was there on my fucking own.
Lights go out, blah blah blah and the movie starts. Holy shit. The colour, the sounds and the visual ecstacy of it all. Just fucking brilliant. Then it began. The tomfoolery. What the fuck is going on? My date was trying to play footsies with me - by which she was ruining these $500 shoes on my fucking feet. Trying to push this out of my head and focus on the theatre of it all.
Her idle hand crept toward my leg like the first horrifying tingles of a jellyfish sting. I was trapped. God fuck this shit, I just wanted to watch this movie. Any other time, day or place, she would have gotten the ram jam matinee without even the slightest rise. But not now. This was my time. My fucking James Bond time.
Ignoring her like a liberal arts graduate, I finally get some peace. She just gives it a few more goes to which I retort with the forseeable "shhh". Movie ends, best modern day Bond hands down. Just spectacular. Five fucking thumbs up. Go and see it if you already haven't.
Get in the car to drop her back at my brother's abode. Date is already texting on her phone - her fingernails tapping loudly and out of time to Nick Mason's drum beat playing over the radio. Get back there and my sister-in-law and my brother are waiting out the front by the mailbox. We both get out and bang. Verbal salvo number one. Sister-in-law is yelling at me in the middle of the street! What is this, Detroit? Anyway she and her sister storm off into the house. Brother is like, "come on, man."
He took his wife out to dinner and wined her ass up good. He had his pants off and dick in hand when his wife saw a message from her sister, saying that I was being a jerk to her and so on. She storms out and leaves him there in the bedroom with nobody except lefty five fingers for company. Tell him I'm sorry and we bro shake on the promise of weekend rugby beers and other fraternal activities.
TL;DR: Took a date to Skyfall, too into the movie, ignore date which leaves brother with dick in hand and a broken smile.
fatdaddy1954: i dont think you fucked up. you just sound like an asshole
[deleted]: I couldn't ascertain much of what was going on from all the idioms. I bet foreign speakers would have a hemorrhage reading this.
kineo: For any who had trouble- basically he was pressured into taking a date to a movie, didn't decline, and the date turned out to want to do more than just watch a movie- while the movie was still playing. OP shut her down, and watched the movie like he originally wanted to. OP's date rages to her sister via text.
Best solution would have been for OP to either decline the date, reschedule the date, or be attentive to his date and watch the movie another time. Even better, of course, would have been for his date to have had reasonable expectations given how much he was apparently talking up his excitement for the movie during the dinner party where he was pressured into the date in the first place. Then she could have gotten what she wanted after the movie and all would have been happy... maybe she wanted to feel more important than the movie.
SpaaaceCore: Okay yes but OP never said it was SUPPOSED to be a "date", and this girl sounds high-strung. I'm not disagreeing with the fact that OP is an asshole though.
QuestionSign: lol how is he an ass? Because he didn't give in to being molested at the theater? He already paid for all her food and tickets
SpaaaceCore: He's an ass because it could have been obvious that he didn't see it as a date. It seemed like he said, "Oh man, this movie is gonna be great tomorrow!" and his brother was like, "Dude, take my wife's sister so I can get some pussy" and OP was like, "GOD DAMMIT, NO" And his brother was like, "JUST DO ME A SOLID"
QuestionSign: a novel idea is that perhaps she should have realized how excited for the movie he was and just enjoyed it with him.
I mean he'd been talking about it for a while. Him not giving up the D just because she wanted it, is not him being an ass, its him exercising the right to say "no". If it was gender reverse we'd be saying the guy was a perv.
SpaaaceCore: I'm not disagreeing; I'm saying both of them acted irrationally but yes, the girl should have realized that if she had just enjoyed the movie, and fanboy'd out with him later, she might get the D.
So he's fine, she's fine, they just don't work together. xD
QuestionSign: lol how did he act irrationally?
SpaaaceCore: Oh my. It's time to stop feeding the trolls methinks. Have a good night!
Daveezie: I have to agree with QuestionSign, here. OP wasn't an ass, OP went to see a movie, paid for a girl he wasn't really interested in, and didn't fuck in the theatre. He made it clear by shooing her away when she got handsy. Please inform me where the assholery takes place? You know, for science.
SpaaaceCore: By agreeing to it in the sense of a "date". Unless that didn't actually happen; OP is pretty vague about it.
Anomalyzero: What the fuck? A date automatically means sex? I'M OWED ALOT OF SEX DAMMIT
SpaaaceCore: So, so funny.
Anomalyzero: "By agreeing to it in the sense of a "date"."
Well what exactly is agreed to here? Sex? Making out? What?
SpaaaceCore: That's to be determined by the people in the situation. Example: I went out with a friend to a bar and he opened up to me about feelings and i had them for him as well, and it turned into a date, and thusly ended with a kiss. That's what worked for us.
Anomalyzero: Exactly, determined by the people in the situation. OP is a people in this situation and he didn't want to mash face.
Case solved, OP not a dick.
SpaaaceCore: OP did not expressly say it was or was not a date to her.
And by 'expressly' I mean he did not say in his post if he did or did not say it was or was not a date to the girl.
OP is not necessarily a dick, but he did fuck up.
Anomalyzero: I don't get what you're trying to get at. It was obviously a date to her since she was trying to jump his jeans.
But OP did not fuck up. He wanted to watch the movie. He didn't feel like sucking face. It's not his fault the girl can't handle rejection and she went and acted like a prissy bitch about it. If these roles were to be precisely reversed, and a guy had thrown a fit after he got rejected we would be calling him all sorts of filth. There would be no question whether or not the girl was within her bounds to rebuke him and watch the movie, but once the roles are reversed and the woman wants something its a crime to deny her it.
SpaaaceCore: Jesus you're still on this? It's been a week; we have differing opinions and it's possible for us to co-habitate both the Earth and Reddit with these opinions of ours. so let's just do that and stop this :P
Anomalyzero: Gotta have something to distract me from my work.
And you been "on this" too. You've been participating in the conversation.
| 22 | 44.181818 | |
1353081794 | 1353093011 | null | t5_2to41 | 108 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally opening a google chrome window with My Little Pony porn taking up the entire screen, with my roommate standing right behind me.
Judge me if you will, I'm just exceptionally grateful he's moving out in the next week - I don't think I could bare the awkwardness. I definitely deserved it for forgetting I had the window minimized.
izzismitty: Awkward question, but do people actually jerk it to clopclop? Or is it just a novelty thing?
paramitepies: Haha, guess. You won't like the answer.
izzismitty: I don't care, just curious. I don't judge about people's animated porn interests :)
| 4 | 27 | |
1353092472 | 1353142902 | t3_13aywo | t5_2to41 | 10 | AnnieIWillKnow: Looks like we've got a rogue one from /r/atheism guys - move along, nothing to see here.
Daydreamer99: That wasn't very nice you sacred him away.
TheOriginalGalatea: >sacred him away.
* church?
* sacred?
Why is no one else as amused by this as I am?
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1353100924 | 1353229917 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by flying thousands of miles to visit a girl i fell in love with then after 4 days managing to completely kill mutual attraction and now Im in an expensive hotel by myself in a country whose attractions dont particularly interest me. For two more weeks.
So in septembre this Taiwanese girl visited my home country. I met her on her first day and for a month our contact was awesome. I knew my own country, could show her awesome places, give her awesome experiences. Then she went back.
Now Im not good with feelings. Normally I just ignore them, but I couldnt ignore the ones I developed for her. So I booked a ticket to Taiwan. For 3 weeks, thinking Id hang out with her 2 weeks seperated by 1 week of me seeing the country.
Well that failed miserably. We had 1 fun weekend, then... she studies from 8 till 23. I had incredible trouble adjusting to the country. Ordering food was difficult. Finding my way was difficult. Something to DO (Taichung) was difficult. I felt helpless and depressed. Solving minor problems became difficult. I needed her help way too often.
Anyway, two nights of this stressing her out (I noticced), made me decide to leave for Taipei early. Oriinally we would go there in the weekend together. That weekend is now. After finally a fun day, I met up with her and her friends only to hear at the of the evening she would sleep at a friends place instead of with me at the higher priced hotel I am now.
I immediately wanted to talk and it was quite clear. She didnt feel anything anymore and just wanted to be friends.
So here I am. Fucked up my love interest. In a country obsessed with food, while it leaves me quite cold. Spending more money than I should. Still have two weeks to go. All my near future plans ruined because they involved her. All the awesome plans I made to win her heart further useless.
Fuck this.
The people are nice though.
Brisaster: It's not your fault she wasn't interested. She was clearly too busy and wasn't telling you of such things. She was rude and kind of stand offish. It's good the people are nice though and hey, food's great. But honestly she should've been upfront about these things. The communication clearly wasn't that spectacular if she did this when you were in the country rather than before.
HolemanN: This fuck up is entirely on the OP in my opinion.
From what it sounds like, the girl was only an exchange student for one month. The "awesome contact" the OP had with her? She probably had that with other people as well. That's what exchange students do. They try to interact with the locals and experience as much culture as they can. We don't know the whole story but it feels like the OP fell in love with a girl who only saw their interactions in a friendly way. The fact the OP suddenly flew to see her after she left sounds clingy as fuck. Unless they hooked up before or clearly expressed their feelings to one another, it seems OP jumped into this without thinking clearly.
You also have to understand, Asian people are not very upfront and it's not because they're trying to be rude. It's because they're trying to "save face" for the other person. Even if this chick was super busy with school, she would not straight up say no if OP asked her to show him around Taiwan. Obviously she was kind enough to show him around for a week, but she probably had other shit to do and wasn't expecting some guy to randomly visit HER for three weeks.
Of course I may be wrong since we don't have the full picture, but as a Taiwanese currently doing a long d relationship with a Korean I met during her exchange.........it really seems like these two saw their relationships differently.
Have fun in Taiwan OP. Try some stinky tofu. It's great.
Edit: actually i just remembered this great post i read awhile back in /bestof. Its describing the Japanese, but it is relatable to Koreans or taiwanese as well. http://www.reddit.com/r/japan/comments/zv927/why_do_so_many_people_here_lie_about_wanting_to/c680i7u
dissonantloos: I see where you're coming from, but as you said, unless they hooked up... We did. I think all the I miss yous and Skype sessions we had also made it quite clear there was mutual attraction.
What I do think is true though, that in the month we didn't see each other, her interest lessened while mine got stronger.
I'm doing better already. went singing and drinking with some people yesterday and I'm going to a club tonight.
EDIT: misunderstood hook up, thought it meant something else. The rest is still true tho
HolemanN:
Having been around many exchange students during my years at Uni, I find that they tend to be extremely friendly, so its quite possible she was just mirroring your extra friendliness as she thought it was the cultural norm. Even though i hooked up with my gf before she left, it took months of skype before we expressed our feelings and it was only then we flew around visiting one another.
No worries bro. You're a white guy (I assume) in Asia. You'll do alright. Have fun!
| 5 | 9 | |
1353111114 | 1353220303 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | CapitalCforCoby: TIFU by shutting my school's entire network down for a whole hour.
I am a Junior in a technologically revered high school. Rewind to the last period of the day... Free period, which means I can do whatever I want really, so I decided to head down to the computer labs. I am widely accepted in presence down there, being a very adept computer user. A widely known computer Operating System in the tech community known as BackTrack was running via USB on the teacher's computer for some unknown reason. As I am usually granted access to such devices, I made myself comfortable in front of the bright screen and clicked around. I have background in BackTrack, but I never had any experience with the more dangerous scripts. Oh how my curiosity killed me, when I ran the following:
flood_router6 eth0
Suddenly, streams of exclamation points ran by my face in mesmerizing glory. In an instant, students in the lab reported slow internet connections, followed by the internet not functioning at all. Suddenly, with a diagnosis, I managed to flood the router so bad that it couldn't use one Default Gateway, but rather around 40. After panicking and leaving, I later discovered that in a chain of negative reactions, every server and cluster in the school was set offline for an hour or more.
TLDR: I ran a script on the teacher's computer, shut down the servers and clusters that ran my whole school's network, and ultimately ended up being suspended from school after stopping the network for a whole hour.
[deleted]: I did something funny with the computers at school once, not nearly as badass as what you did:
We were doing some spreadsheet exercises in IT(like in grade 9), and I had finished my work. There were others still doing it, particularly this girl who wasn't very technologically inclined.
So I wen on the share screen function(they were macs), and when she wasn't looking, I typed "I'm the computer, and I'm going to eat you"
She saw the message and panicked, and was like "Miss[as in teacher], the computer wants to eat me!" Needless to say I deleted the message as the teacher walked to her computer.
Someone snitched and I was let out with a warning.
CapitalCforCoby: hahahah wow that is just too funny. I try those sneaky little pranks here and there with my siblings here and there. We have to use Windows 8 at our school so the best I can do is to take over their computer and bring up some weird webpage to view when they get control again.
[deleted]: Haha, but I'm sure you can share the screen in soe way with windows 8. I know there is a program to do that with windows 7(remote desktop connection). Surely it must be there in windows 8
CapitalCforCoby: Oh yes, that's what it is. Its a lot of fun when we all use the same login for the class so it's automatically authenticated. :)
[deleted]: Haha, but in my new school everyone has their own unique login ID and stuff are heavily restricted by the admins
CapitalCforCoby: They probably want to prevent events such as mine. It's a good idea actually... Hahaha
[deleted]: They want people to work, and that's it. But someone was expelled for putting a virus in the mainframe once
CapitalCforCoby: That's a terrible idea... I can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would do that.
[deleted]: Trolling, attention, badassery, bragging rights, rebellious, many reasons
CapitalCforCoby: That makes a lot more sense actually. I still don't think I would do that... It's just so malicious. hahaha
[deleted]: Same here, if I could hack, I'd do something funny but harmless to my friends, just for the lolz
CapitalCforCoby: In freshman year, I learned how to sniff packets over wifi, and I used to hack random people's Facebooks and post the usual juvenile status update to their profile. It was actually really funny. I never got caught for it either!
[deleted]: How do you do it? I must know. I'm already getting backtrack 5. Please PM me
| 14 | 5.071429 | |
1353113571 | 1353159835 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by running over a squirrel.
I feel terrible. I am 31 years old and I have never hit or run over a living thing.
I barely saw a flash of brown dart under my car, like a leaf blown by the wind. But it didn't feel like a leaf. And it twitched in my rear view mirror. It's little tail flapping in the wind. That image will haunt me.
It happened faster than I could have reacted. But what bothers me most is that I didn't stop my car. I just kept driving to work. When I finally drove back, at lunch time, he/she was still there, dead.
I only hope it died quickly and painlessly, but I'll never know how long it suffered.
In fear. In pain.
Today I fucked up.
LordXenu40: It happens, I had a crow flew into my windshield while I was going at 45 lol
EDIT: a word
TWAT_ROCKETS: I was in a cars blind spot which happened to hit a crow which exploded onto my windshield. Gf screamed.
| 3 | 4 | |
1353135363 | 1353217403 | null | t5_2to41 | 377 | Ratay151: TIFU by laughing in the face of a guy who asked me for my number.
A little back story. It all started on Wednesday when an African American male (this is important) was asking me a question. I work in a factory so it's very hard to hear what someone is telling you without asking them to repeat it several times. The guys is already really quiet so after asking him to repeat himself like 5 times I gave up and just started smiling at laughing at him because I assumed he was just telling me a story. Fast forward to today when I went into work and he was acting all weird around me. He pulled me to the side and said, "You know, I was being serious when I asked you for your number and you just laughed in my face." I was mortified, Reddit. I just looked at him and said, "Is that what you were asking?..." He just kind of looked at me and said, "Is it because I'm black? Are you not into that?" So now I look like I'm racist and after all that, I did not give him my number. This is not because I'm a total bitch, but I'm in a happily committed relationship...which he knows.
So yeah, I laughed in the face of the a guy who worked up the courage to ask me for my number. Good times.
stevefigjam: If the dude knew you were in a relationship why did he ask?
Ratay151: For the life of me, I don't know. I wish he hadn't of asked though, because now it is just awkward.
Kowzorz: It's only awkward if you make it awkward. That's something I live by daily and never feel awkward (though others might feel it around me, but that's their problem).
Ratay151: I agree. I didn't make it awkward though, he did.
Kowzorz: Yet you still feel awkward.
Ratay151: Well, he did tell me that my hand looked really soft and he wanted to kiss it.
[deleted]: [http://i.imgur.com/6z8iM.gif](http://i.imgur.com/6z8iM.gif)
Ratay151: Perfect.
| 9 | 41.888889 | |
1353173571 | 1353363574 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming the girl I liked was pissed at me.
Never thought I'd get to submit one of these.
I went to a local band's show last night and there was the girl I fancied there. She had told me she was going to be there and I should come. When I got there I briefly spoke to her but then after that whenever I tried to get in a word she was either speaking to someone else or on her phone. So my Insecurities PhD decided that maybe it was because the attraction was not mutual. Deciding this, I ended up spending a majority of the eventing hanging around some friends who were there. Which wasn't too bad. The real fuck up comes post-show, when we went to get something to eat (The girl and I). So we're eating and she seems royally pissed at me, like it seemed to start out fine but it got worst as the night progressed. Eventually it got to an uncomfortable point and I just felt it would be best if I left. So after we paid and walked out, I walked to my car and told her to have a nice evening, promptly leaving.
Well reddit I've been single for awhile now, looks like it's going to stay that way until I get my daddy issues straight as she now hates me. Today I fucked up.
jutct: She invited you, then made zero effort to talk to you at the show and she got pissed at you? She sounds like a selfish bitch, actually. You didn't fuck up.
YouLookWeird: OP didn't fuck. :D
DumbledoreMD: up. didn't fuck up.
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1353183861 | 1353195142 | null | t5_2to41 | 242 | humiliatedd: TIFU - my roommate and her family heard me having sex.
It wouldn't be a big deal really, but a few things make it horrible. Her family has done an insane amount of nice things for me. I just moved 700 miles away from my family with her (she's my best friend), and they have taken me in as another daughter.
She and her mom were sleeping in her room across the hall from mine, and her aunt and cousin were sleeping in the living room.
Anyway, I wake up to this text this morning: "Just so you know, we all heard you and ____ last night. It was extremely awkward and disrespectful. I would never do that to you and your family."
So, needless to say, I feel like shit. I'm humiliated and embarrassed and ashamed, and I don't know what to do. I apologized and she said she didn't want to talk about it and that she was embarrassed. It would have been fine if she had just said, "Hey fucker, I heard you boning ___ last night. You're disgusting. Next time be quieter. Love you" ...but as it stands, I feel like I've lost their respect and done an extremely shitty job of showing them how much they mean to me.
:( If anyone wants to cheer me up, please do.
**EDIT** for clarity: I actually wasn't expecting to get so much feedback, and I need to clarify (and I apologize for simplifying) - the aunt and cousin aren't actually blood relatives. It's my best friend's mom's best friend and her daughter (I think you can see why I decided to simplify it). I am 24; roommate is 22; "cousin" girl (my roommate refers to her as "sister," "friend," or "cousin" at any given time, as they have been around each other constantly since birth) is 25; roommates mom and roommate's mom's best friend are both in their mid-50s or so. This occurred in the apartment where my roommate and I live and split rent together. My roommate's mom, mom's best friend, and mom's best friend's daughter were visiting.
I would like to thank everyone for their kind words. The thing is, I *did* do something -- not "wrong" exactly, but offensive (I guess that's the right word). I'm not looking for anyone to say, "They're overreacting" or "You did nothing wrong" (thank you for those of you who said those things anyway in an effort to cheer me up - you have all helped tremendously). I just needed to get it off my chest, and you guys helped to shed some light on the situation and make me feel better. Thank you. <3
yrvls: Aww damn, I know how you feel. Embarrassment towards people who've done a lot for you is terrible, terrible thing. I think what you can is take it as an adult, and talk to each one of them and apologise profoundly.
jacqueofalltrades: >profusely
You can't really apologize profoundly.
yrvls: Ok I'm gonna have to ruin a possible joke here by asking if you're making a joke about the expression I used in the context of something that involved sex (penetrative, deep, profound - which in old english would mean the same as deep) OR you're just saying the expression "apologise profoundly" wouldn't be grammatically correct. I might be going way out of topic and misinterpreting everything, but as a speaker of ESL, I'm just curious.
jacqueofalltrades: I think you thought of this too much, hah.
Straight up, apologize profoundly isn't a saying. You meant to say apologize profusely.
That other link you talked about, profoundly apologizing, is not the same as apologizing profoundly, if that makes sense.
WishiCouldRead: One of the definitions of [profound](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/profound) is
>characterized by intensity of feeling or quality.
Although the usual phrase is "apologize profusely," meaning basically apologizing a lot, there's absolutely nothing wrong with a profound apology.
jacqueofalltrades: Which is exactly why I said:
"profoundly apologizing, is not the same as apologizing profoundly, if that makes sense."
There is a difference.
WishiCouldRead: I didn't say it was the same. But you initially said you couldn't apologize profoundly, and I just wanted to mention that you could.
jacqueofalltrades: No, you cant. Which is what I've been saying all along.
You *can* profoundly apologize, but you *can't* apologize profoundly. You might mean exactly the same thing, but it's just a manner of grammer that dictates that, not feeling.
WishiCouldRead: Just because the set phrase isn't "apologize profoundly," there's nothing grammatically wrong with it. You absolutely can use the phrase "apologize profoundly."
jacqueofalltrades: Okay, maybe "grammar" wasn't the right word.
It's just not something you say.
| 11 | 22 | |
1353191994 | 1353245300 | null | t5_2to41 | 576 | shiggles3692: TIFU by sending a dick picture to my father..
So, Reddit. I really fucked up today. I was texting this beautifully hot blonde girl and things started to get heated. I eventually send her some pictures. Then when i got to a picture of my dick, i accidentally sent it to my dad. Usually these pictures take forever to send so you can just say cancel message but For what ever reason it sent right away, the fastest sent picture in my life so i had no chance to cancel the picture... fortunately its just my dick and not me in the picture. I haven't heard back from him, so hopefully he doesn't do anything. Will post back what happens after. not sure if i should lie or tell him sending them to a hot girl. my phone is crashing really bad now after the said delivery. I am shaking right now. I don't want to tell the girl cause i really want this to happen again
The girl is still sending me the hottest shit and i am like trying to be sexy even if i am scared shitless of what my father might say... wow today i fucked up
**EDIT: thank you guys so much for all your help today! this is my first time being number one in any subreddit, or even close! so thanks for your advice and your help. So far after a whole day my dad never responded back to me and i believe it is safe to assume i am in the clear. So thanks for all your suggestion and your love to help me be able to laugh at this stupid thing**
Great_PlainsApe: You should ask him if he's proud of your size.
shiggles3692: hey daddy, look what you gave me? aren't you proud!
spencebiro: Well... Technically speaking penis size comes from the maternal line of genes; you'd have to thank your mother's father.
rnepmc: Can you source this info... My random thoughts on the subject would be that it's a paternal thing seeing as the xy chromosome would be doing the hormonal changes during gestation resulting in a phallus. The y can only come from the father so I can only assume that it's paternal. Correct me if my logic is wrong.
xrelaht: Having a Y chromosome or not just determines whether you will express male sex characteristics or not. The Y chromosome has almost nothing actually coded on it. I don't know that it's actually matrilinear, but I could guess that if it is, it probably has something to do with fetal development. Things like body size can be strongly affected by how large your mother is. That's why (for example) mules are bigger than hinny's.
CaptainVulva: So almost nothing is genetically inherited from fathers?
Pepser: You didn't pay attention in biology, did you :-) You have 23 pairs of chromosomes. For each pair, you get one half from your mom, one half from your dad. So 50 % of your DNA comes your dad, 50 % from your mom. That doesn't determine whether you look more like mom or dad because some genes are dominant, some recessive ( this is an oversimplification). Your dad's DNA determines whether you are a boy or a girl. The 23th pair of chromosomes can be either XY (man) or XX (woman). You'll always receive an X from your mom, but from your dad you'll receive an Y or an X. If it's a Y, the characteristics that are on your X chromosome will all come from your mom, since there is no X counterpart. The Y chromosome is much shorter and there for contains less DNA.
I might have oversimplified things to make it understandable.
CaptainVulva: Ok, so girls inherit male pattern baldness and penis size from either of their parents, but guys inherit it from their mothers! Is that right? I think I've got it :)
Pepser: If those genes are on your X chromosome, then yes! It does work a bit more complicated though, some male/female characteristics are on the X and then the Y chromosome either surpresses or enhances those genes ( often more than one gene influences a characteristic).
[deleted]: A biology lesson in a dick picture thread. Only in reddit.
| 11 | 52.363636 | |
1353189508 | 1353215715 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | littlewonder16: TIFU I accidently hit a toddler with a motorcycle helmet
So today, I rode on the back on my boyfriend's motorcycle and had to carry the helmet with me.
I don't have work for another couple hours so I thought I would take a walk down town. Anyways, I'm keeping to myslef when I hear a big smashing noise. I instinctively whip my head around and brace myself for possible impact ( I think I do this because my parents thought it would be a good idea to put me in self defense classes). In the process the helmet rams into a small child launching him into the closest wall.
The kid and I are both shocked. Both of us not making a sound. I just duck my head down and say I'm sorry and get the fuck out of there, speed walking faster than a psycho suburban, fitness crazed, stay at home mother.
I fucked up guys.
MegatronStarscream: This is one of those weird stories where 20 years later you find out the kid ended up with brain damage.
stevefigjam: woah... Wasn't expecting someone to say that...
sonofa_mitch: welcome to the internet XD
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1353205306 | 1353373492 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | earthtroll569: TIFU by touching my roomates dick by accident
we have a bunk bed and he fell off of it and his dick was on my hand
EDIT: this is the most comments ive ever gotten on well anything soo...thanks
[deleted]: are you male or female ?
earthtroll569: to be honest, i dont really want to answer that...
Anotherfuckwit: Arthur or Martha?
jamaces: Marthur
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1353218660 | 1353380836 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | thecreator666: TIFU by getting a boner while I was getting a haircut
Today while I was having my hair washed before a haircut, my haircut lady who is very hot was wearing a very low cut shirt. While she was leaning over me and rubbing in the shampoo, I got a little bit..... exited. When she pulled back to get my towel and saw my boner, she said "(gasp) Oh my god.... I, Im so sorry... I didnt mean to..." then she just put her head down and kind of ran to the back room. Everyone in the shop saw this happen. Mortified I briskly walked out with my hair still wet.
TIFU by getting a boner while I was getting a haircut
Misanthropy-Divine: Sounds like she was pleasantly surprised by your *ahem* girth, and couldn't control herself. :P
Seriously, though, you didn't fuck up by experiencing a natural function; she fucked up by wearing a low-cut top and giving men hair-cuts, then running off into the back of the store when one of her customers got it up after seeing her rack. Shit happens. Here's a question: is she good at giving you hair-cuts?
thecreator666: Ya I liked my hair
Misanthropy-Divine: Then let it go and move on. If you treat it right, it might be the source of a great running joke, and might even get you laid. Just let it be, man.
thecreator666: You think I should go back?
Misanthropy-Divine: Yah, mon. You go back to da salon, mon, and get ya some hot hair-dressa lady, mon. (Forgive the terrible Jamaican accent; it felt right.)
thecreator666: fuck it, why not.
epicmuse: How bout an update when you do.
thecreator666: I still haven't gotten it cut. Ill call one in for this Monday.
| 9 | 7 | |
1353219772 | 1353277873 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | A_plural_singularity: TIFU by picking up one of my best friend's daughter
I apologize in advance for format and grammar.
So today started off as a typical Saturday (now Sunday) work then the bar. Late in the evening one of my best friends showed up and all was well. Until....... Well i have been seeing his daughter (27yo) for a couple months behind his back. I know there was my first mistake. Well the night progressed and I literally picked her up and moved her. To me it was no big deal, just a playful harmless action. I was wrong. Dead wrong. That simple act disrespected him more than i had any idea.
Five years of friendship down the drain. Now i must face him as a dog with his tail between its legs. Today I fucked up...
Edit: I forgot to mention we had drunken sex last night and I fear she might be pregnant o account i don't remember coming.
UPDATE: So I went to the bar to apologize today. Well to my surprise he apologized for his actions and i apologized for mine and told him I meant him no disrespect. We are currently drinking a beer and shooting billiards.
Ben_Stark: Okay, I have to ask. How old are you? I am trying to figure out how truely fucked up this situation is.
Get her a plan B stat. How do you feel about his daughter? Is this a forever sort of thing, or are you just having fun?
A_plural_singularity: Im 22yo. And it's complicated because i like her a lot. But i want kids someday but not right now. She has two already and says no more. So yeah I'm torn.
[deleted]: [2 kids?!? OP get out of there now! Save yourself!] (http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4s9fzX57L1rwcc6bo1_250.gif)
A_plural_singularity: i don't mind kids. They are great. Her kids are awesome. But like i said i want my little demon to chase around and doesn't want any more.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1353228258 | 1353288065 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | TrippKing3: TIFU by headbutting a girl and bleeding all over her in my bed.
So it was my friends birthday today and we went out to the bars with her out of town friends. One of them was quite cute and all over me, and we ended up trashily making out in the bars quite a bit. So we get back to my place and start hooking up. HERE'S WHERE IT GOES SOUTH. First of we start to makeout in the middle of my living room and I have to stop her because we were on camera because my roommate had a security camera set up. Which was sorta awkward.
So we get to my bedroom then and start kissing and she had this blouse with these really awkward buttons. And it took me forever to get them undone because I was kissing her and it's really hard to do buttons without looking.
At this point I take of my pants and my boxers were caught in my zipper so I go from just taking the jeans off to going full nude. No biggie. Little awkward.
So we start to hook up and she puts up a wall when I try to put my hand down her pants. So we continue to do what we were doing and I try again, and she stops me so that was that.
She decides to head out at this point because she "just met me and what is she doing, she doesn't know me" Which I said I understand and it was nice meeting her. She then kisses me again and the goodbye kiss turned into a you should stay kiss. Redemption on my part. I tell her I still want her to sleep over even though we won't have sex because I just wanted a cuddle buddy and she was fun.
She had some pretty awesome boobs and they were very sensitive. So I got this idea and I was like hey, if you don't want to go farther that's cool. But we can keep having fun. She agrees gets on the bed, now we redressed a moment before. So I take her shirt off and throw her on the bed. I get on top of her and everything is going great until she decides to lean back. **When she leaned back she moved the bed and knocked my clumsy ass off balance as I'm taking my shirt off. So I fall forward and my nose connects with her forehead with a pretty solid hit. I then ask her if she okay to find out that I'm bleeding on her cause I gave myself a nosebleed with that hit.**
After the initial reaction she began to dress immediately and I go "ohhh god that was the least smooth thing ever." She agreed. Then I walk her out and remark that I'm never going to live this down, and she goes "NOPE". So yea hahaha I know it'll be a funny story later. But damn I'm embarrassed now. Her dad has box seats to Cowboy's game and she invited me and now I fucked that up.
tl;dr Read the title and know that I'm the least smooth man alive.
TrippKing3: Oh and just to add to it. She called me to keep hanging out but I didn't notice cause I was too busy typing this damn post. FUCK.
taco1g: Call her back?
zacura23: OP doesn't believe in such sorcery
taco1g: :)
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1353231352 | 1353232522 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing at the absurdity that 3 inches = 7 inches
Amongst the men I have slept with, my ex easily has the smallest dick amongst them. I'd say he was three inches erect... We were both drinking heavily in a bar when the ex and some random start talking about penis size. My ex proceeds to announce that his penis is seven inches in size. In my drunken state, I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably in front of the ex and the random. I might've even said, "yeah right..." In any event, the ex looked devastated. I'll always remember that look on his face.
catcradle5: How is this a fuckup?
bogomip2k: Well, I should have not laughed so uncontrollably in his face when I knew just how small his penis really is... I took it a bit too far.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1353234620 | 1353378895 | null | t5_2to41 | 102 | ch00f: TIFU by texting my ex by accident
Okay, so this actually happened a while ago, but I think it fits the category.
Out of the many girls I've dated, three of them have actually had the same name. I started numbering them... Point is, I broke up with the first and started dating the second a few months later. I really stopped talking to the first entirely and never had any opportunity to run into her.
So #2 and I somehow started playing a game where we started listing off famous phrases that start with "I am" such as "I am Iron Man" and "I am not a crook". She had to leave for the night, so we continued to play via text. I remembered a particular quote from Pulp Fiction and sent it to her.
About three minutes later, I get a phone call from #1 who again, I hadn't spoken to in months. Confused, I answered only to hear her hang up immediately. Still confused and having a slight suspicion, I checked my outgoing texts thinking that I maybe mixed them up because they were next to each other in my phone.
I was right.
Apparently I had sent the phrase "I am The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you" to a girl who I had broken up with and ended all contact with with six months earlier.
Too embarrassed to explain via a phone call, I tried to work out an explanation in a text, but I'm still pretty certain she thinks I'm insane.
ChilesIsAwesome: Ever thought if deleting her number?
06fg2: I save mine just incase the exes call I know for sure to ignore it
ThereIsAThingForThat: I save mine as "Horrible idea" so I know it's an horrible idea when I'm drunk.
thecreator666: I save mine as "if your thinking about calling this number, you've had enough to drink. Now go o bed."
| 5 | 20.4 | |
1353239704 | 1353381681 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,381 | throwaway-7913: TIFU - Found a box full of old videocasettes of my parents that I shouldn't have found
Greetings, Reddit. Sadly, I fucked up today, like, a lot.
I was searching for some old videocasettes from when I was a kid, because my younger sister wanted to watch them. These are usually placed in a box in our living room, but because we have been moving around on the furnitures my parents had put the box of old videocasettes inside their individual clothes cabinet in their bedroom.
Now, the thing is, I found two boxes with videocasettes, one being unlabelled videocasettes in the box from my mothers clothes cabinet, and the other being numeric labelled videocasettes in the box from my fathers clothes cabinet. I didn't know which was which, so I just took a pair from each, took them with me and my little sister into the living room and let her watch it on the TV.
About 30 minutes later I hear moaning and some rather weird/disturbing noices coming from the living room. I walk in there to see what's going on.
That's when I notice that the unlabeled videocasette that my younger sister had put in the VCR after the first one I put on was over, was a tape of my parents having vigorously wild sex in positions that even I didn't know of, and the worst part is that my younger sister asked me why our parents had filmed themself wrestling in their bed, I seriously didn't know what to tell her. I quickly turned off the TV, removed the videocasettes and put them back to the clothes cabinets in my parents bedroom.
What worse is, my parents didn't find out because my sister told them, but because I, in the middle of panicking, had switched around on the boxes and placed them in the wrong clothes cabinets.
Reddit.. Today I fucked up..
Anotherfuckwit: Doesn't sound like YOU fucked up; more like your parents are he ones that fucked...up, down, over, across, behind, round, ...
Saicotic: In the rain, on a train, in a box, with a fox...
puffmello: I will not eat green eggs and ham.
mannfan9292: Or blue waffles.
arnoldwhat: **Jolly Rancher**
JesusMcTastyloving: Link me to that story, I've forgotten it.
Autumnsprings: [here.](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9wcte/reddit_whats_the_grossestnastiest_thing_thats/c0er6q4)
Click at your own risk.
Fner: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGG! MY EYES! MY EEEEEEEYES!
Autumnsprings: i told you.
Fner: Nothing could have prepared me for this.
NOTHING.
Autumnsprings: lol. then don't read [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/xo41d/doctorsnursesredditors_what_has_been_your_most/c5o66p2) one....
Fner: This didn't upset me as much. I think the jolly ranchers broke me.
I will never be the same again.
Autumnsprings: yeah, swamps of dagobah is funny to me. :) do you know the dorito story?
Fner: I'm scared to click. Did you ever read the potato story?
That was horrible.
Autumnsprings: oooooh no! linky?! or summary? :D and the dorito story is pretty bad. imho it's worse than jolly rancher, but some people find the jolly rancher one worse.
Fner: I do apologise for the lack of editing but my phone won't let me do it.
I found it somewhere else though. Enjoy
http://redditlurker.com/WTF/Post/t3_qkah2
Autumnsprings: YAY!! thanks! *off to be disgusted*
Fner: Enjoy it. Enjoy. It.
Autumnsprings: LOL, i would really like to know the thought process behind that. hmmm, nothing to absorb it, so i'l just plug it up? dang.
Fner: Fuck knows, I wouldn't think of that.
Maybe drugs? Maybe food is the only thing she could relate to and involve with her body?
Autumnsprings: quite possible. sounds like she had some mental issues going on.
Fner: She must do to let it grow inside her.
*shivers*
Autumnsprings: ugh. *shudder*
| 24 | 57.541667 | |
1353243232 | 1353265625 | null | t5_2to41 | 241 | dhf510: TIFU by eating soap waffles
So my I was staying at my cousin's house in the rural part of northern California, and we're out exploring the wilderness and such while his mom (my aunt) makes breakfast. When we got back, there were waffles all ready and nice, and we were hungry as hell from hiking around in the morning. Needless to say, I dug into them. I shoved a whole one into my mouth, and it tasted funny, but I consumed it anyways. I immediately started gagging, and dry-heaved. Bubbles literally floated out of my mouth. Turns out my aunt, who's notoriously spacey, for some reason thought the liquid soap tube was the olive oil, and put it in the waffles. How do you mix that up IN YOUR OWN HOUSE?!
[deleted]: Who puts olive oil on waffles?
stephanieyo: It's in the batter. Not on the waffles like syrup.
Jack_Vermicelli: Olive oil, of all cooking oils?
stephanieyo: I always make waffles with olive oil. It's not that unusual.
| 5 | 48.2 | |
1353258071 | 1353334475 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | Nappa93: TIFU Drunk nettle bush peeing.
I have started a new course at uni. Its a policing course (this is important to the story) Anyway this week we are on camp to Wales with the whole rock climbing etc, Last night, went into town and got drunk.
Me being a little socially awkward I wanted to be liked by my course peers. While walking back towards camp. (as drunk as I have ever been) I decided I needed a wee. So I found a bush, squatted (as I am female) started my business, and fell over backwards, Into a bunch of nettles. Now my arse feels like its on fire, Im walking like I've pooped myself and the whole course is talking/laughing about it.
After sobering up I then realize that if people don't stop laughing and talking about it my lecturers will eventually find out... and peeing in public is a criminal offence. And Im on a policing course. **Opps**
[deleted]: I feel your pain. I once squatted to pee, and instead of falling, something bit me... Really hard.
That doctors visit was awkward..
Nappa93: Haha this made me feel better. Thanks lol
[deleted]: Glad you enjoy my pain :) ha
Nappa93: That's what Reddit is for :) lol
| 5 | 12 | |
1353258121 | 1353358802 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | Jblackbelt: TIFU by making out with a friend
Not technically today seeing as it was last night, but I'll count it anyway. I've known my friend since the beginning of this year at college, and we are pretty much best friends (smoking buddies, drinking buddies, etc...). So we go back to my room after getting a water bottle of stuff from her room (we are freshmen and have to hide it) and drink whenever we died in Super Smash Bros Brawl (yes we are nerds). After some time we decided that it was too slow, so changed it to drink whenever there's a crotch shot in Jackass 3 (which in turn changed to drink whenever the hell we want). After a few scenes in a row where it was too much guy ass and too little pain we get to some serious talk.
We talk about first girlfriends (boyfriends in her case) and then about her current boyfriend (that I had heard a LOT about). She talked about how she loves him, how she is going to marry him, and then about she cheated on him. Pretty drunk me of course pressed this issue and she said it was only making out and she was a 7 out of 10, and that she was a 9 now. After that I slowly move closer to her, and at some point my left hand is almost solely on her breast, not sure if she noticed (but she did comment "that is my boob" at one point, didn't say to remove my hand). Near the end of the movie I mention something about kissing, then we are making out for the rest of it.
I'm not sure what I should be feeling now, if I fucked up or got lucky, because I don't think she is mad at me, but I'm worried for her. I'm the second guy she cheated with on her current boyfriend, and last time it almost ended them. I just don't know, I'm happy for me but at the same time want to beat myself up for ever having done that. This isn't fuck up of the week worthy, not by a longshot, but I really just needed to tell a bunch of people I don't know, to see what they think.
TL;DR: Me and my friend (with a boyfriend) got drunk, watched Jackass 3, then made out. To top it all off she might end up destroying her relationship because of it.
FocusFailure: Don't feel bad, that was entirely her fault. If she really cared she wouldn't have done that.
zacura23: da fuck? Its both their faults. Who told OP it was ok to make a move like that?
pentestscribble: She did.
Darkofday: No where in his post does he say she told him it was okay. Silence isn't consent.
pentestscribble: He didn't say he raped her. It takes two people to make out.
Darkofday: Getting someone drunk and then making moves on them is rape. It doesn't matter if AT THE TIME s/he acted willingly. While intoxicated you can not make rational decisions.
pentestscribble: So she raped him as well?
Darkofday: If he initiated, which is sounds like he did, then no. It's his fault.
I am not saying that women can't rape men.
| 9 | 6.333333 | |
1353272082 | 1353274937 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by failing to protect my fiancee's modesty
We were somewhere where there were two toilets- one was occupied, the other was empty, but had a broken lock. A passer-by told us that the lock was broken. She smiled and said "My boyfriend's my lock!" and closed the door behind her. I started twiddling with my phone, thinking that I'd be able to stop anybody who might pause in front of the door. I was squatting down against the wall opposite the door- just a couple of feet away. A minute later, a guy walked straight up to the door and yanked it open, getting a full view of my fiancee's bare ass as she was pulling up her panties.
I feel like the worst human being ever. She didn't mind the random-guy-seeing-her-bare-ass nearly as much as the fact that I stupidly betrayed her trust when she counted on me to have her back.
Anybody with any compelling arguments as to why I shouldn't commit seppuku?
Anotherfuckwit: Tell her you were using your phone to get an under door creepshot of a hot chick in the next cubicle. Then share it with her - everyone's a winner.
visaisahero: my phone doesn't have a camera >_>
| 3 | 3.333333 |
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