start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1408495350 | 1408565956 | t3_2e1cfz | t5_2to41 | 23 | pennywise-13: TIFU by being high and texting
jds13X: Your punctuation is so beautiful :')
lookitupdear: You made me laugh so, so hard and nearly lose my life to my cinnamon doughnuts.
I wish I was able to give you gold.
jds13X: I wish I could give you gold for saying this! Glad you didn't lose your life!
lookitupdear: Making me smile is more than equal to gold so thank you, :)
That reminds me, I must buy more cinnamon doughnuts- they were deliscious. I hoovered the whole bag, and a half gallon of milk last night. I've been hearing my scale's faint tauntings since then, but they can be easily ignored. :)
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1408495116 | 1408703820 | t3_2e1c3a | t5_2to41 | 295 | El_Tramelo: TIFU by wearing the wrong t-shirt
I'm a pretty big fan of the show Archer. For those of you who don't know, Archer is an animated show that centers on secret agents working for an organization called ISIS. About a year ago, I bought a t-shirt displaying the ISIS logo (which looks like [this] (http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/080/0/d/isis_logo_from_archer_by_trebory6-d5yu5af.png)). Now in lieu of recent events, that shirt doesn't fly as well as it used to. I was returning from Europe, and not thinking, I was wearing that shirt. People kept looking at me weird, and I didn't really process why until my bag was pulled aside for a random search. I ended up wearing a sweatshirt over it even though it was 80 degrees outside. I have taken that shirt out of rotation now.
TL;DR: Archer made me look like a radical Islamist
DeadlyDictator: Theres also a band called ISIS, two actually. Ones a Psychedelic band and ones like some gospel group.
Why do these extremists gotta take such a cool and widely used name outta rotation dammit?
The_Media_Collector: Lack of originality. The Nazis stole the Manji and half of the salute from our pledge of allegiance (USA).
To this day children are taught the revised salute.
i_registered_to_say: To tell the truth, it's a roman salute...
FMN2014: Actually a French artist Jacques-Louis David's depiction of Romans in his painting "Oath of the Horatiii" is the first use of the salute.
i_registered_to_say: TIL. Thanks
| 6 | 49.166667 | |
1408495093 | 1408586902 | t3_2e1c2e | t5_2to41 | 3 | The14thBaron: TIFU By getting tiger balm on my privates
So, today was my second day of intensive hockey training. 3 hours straight on the ice. Since it's my first time playing for a couple of months, I feel sore as hell. When we finished up, I went home, had a nice bath and put some tiger balm on my sore muscles. Bad idea.
My groin was killing me. In the car on the way back, I could barely lift them. (Again, I'm athletic, just really out of condition for intensive play right now, I never get THIS sore). I rub some tiger balm down the inside of my legs. Somehow I get some underneath my balls. I don't notice anything for a while, but a few minutes later, an excruciating pain comes in like a punch between the eyes. I reach down there to see what's wrong and end up with more of the shit under my nuts.
To make a rather long story short, they're still in a fiery yet somehow freezing state of extreme pain.
Reddit, Today, I Fucked Up.
TL;DR: Had sore hamstrings. Go for the tiger balm. Get some in the wrong place. Pain. PAIN. PAAAIIIN.
Teotwawki69: >My groin was killing me... I could barely lift them.
You have more than one groin? Wow.
MarrowTheWolf: /u/DoubleDickDude
| 3 | 1 | |
1408497478 | 1408590023 | t3_2e1fqf | t5_2to41 | 13 | patrician465: TIFU by falling for a phone scam
So anyway, I am just playing a video game when suddenly a phone call arrived. The guy on the other end claimed he was from Microsoft and that one of my computers was currently under a "malicious" attack by "hackers." He gave me all sorts of personal info, name, official sounding id, and ip address. His solution was to tell me to go unto my computer and download "ammyy" software from a website called "ww.4help4.com". I gave him my id number and I was watching him remote control the computer. He didn't appear to do anything harmful. Unfortunately, I did step away from the comp to check on something in the kitchen for about 30 seconds. He then asked me to download "teamviewer." It was at this point I started getting suspicious and started looking up this situation on Google. Needless to say, the first searches started flashing scams in my face. I then promptly hung up. I used to consider myself technically sophisticated, but now I feel like a total idiot. Since then, I reformatted the computer but I am still worried something happened. Not sure how to get rid of this feeling of embarrassment and fear...
tl;dr I was stupid enough to give a hacker access to my comp for fear of hackers
EnKyO: You'll be fine. All they do is run CMD and try and look technical to make you think you have a virus, to make you go to another guy who will take payment to " fix" your computer
Look up some of the scams and ways people have got them back by playing games with them.
patrician465: Thanks for the heads up. I'm just being paranoid cause there are other computers on the wifi system. Is it possible these computers could have been accessed? I've run like four different virus scans on all the computers lol. I'm mostly concerned about malware that allows backdooring.
Krimson1911: Its very unlikely that they have accessed your other computers in your network. Actually next to impossible. What they most likly did was install a key logging software to steal ur personal info like passwords, bank info, etc.
But since you reformated your os. You are all fine now. Stay safe. Cheers!
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408499990 | 1408503700 | t3_2e1jw7 | t5_2to41 | 13 | RobinsRant: TIFU by giving myself I.B.S
This happened a while back and not to long ago I discovered this wonderful subreddit.
Anyway so about two years ago in my sophomore year in high school I was a normal kid who had a normal life and all nothing to be paranoid about when one day I took the bus home. About 75% close to home my I had to shit bad. I could feel it and everything , also my bus stop where I get off has a 3 min walk down my private lane trail to my home. As the second I got off I got the mail out of the mail box and zoooooooom running down the lane and getting home at a close second. Too late..... within three seconds of me entering my home and trying to pull my pants down I forgot I had this funny belt that was fucking annoying to take off......yea I shat thank god that was at home so I had to get my mother to get me some clothes and shower and such , but ever since that day whenever I go on car trips . bus rides , ect I get super paranoid that I will get that urgent need to shit right no the spot.
Another incident happened a year later. My bus scheduled changed in the morning I have to go to my first school and leave to my second school on the bus. What I mean is I have to take the morning bus to school * like normal * and then get off onto the second bus and this bus ride is ruff half hour witch drives me fucking nuts. The same thing happened again except I made it. about 75% there boom it fucking hit me I feel like I was so close to just randomly fucking shitting on the bus I was just squirming all over the fucken place trying to keep myself cool.
The kicker is 2 mins later it just went away....poof! gone no shit. This is when I got it. I.B.S is Irritated Bowel Syndrome causing itchy moments , and sudden goes. Because I was paranoid about wrecking myself when ever I am not near a restroom Its a constant battle in my mind of paranoia if I have to go bathroom or not. I hate it sooo bad and there is nothing I can do about it. Now I carry a pair of gloves and plastic bag in this little cpr pouch * yes crp mask too * in case I had to do what I had to do. I fucking hate it I am afraid I am going to live with this case forever.
As yes I know I don't have the best skills with this grammar and spelling but I try so please correct me and I will thank you and do so like the kinda person I am.
cherylannmarie: You really need to see a doctor to make sure there isn't another issue here because something doesn't sound right.
RobinsRant: What docent sound right?
cherylannmarie: You're self-diagnosing yourself with IBS but you don't know for sure what the issue is. You could have a food allergy that's causing this. My Ex dealt with issues like this and I kept telling him something was wrong and to see a doctor. Years later he finally couldn't take it and saw a doctor who discovered he had a gluten allergy. He then avoided foods with gluten and felt 100% better. I don't know what your issue is and you really don't either, please see a doctor.
RobinsRant: I will be shortly and I really should say I think I have I.B.S and I def will be taking a short trip to the doctor. Man I also really don't know how to pop this up with my doctor this is going to be awkward, but I at least can find out.
cherylannmarie: The doctor is the ONE person you need to be completely honest with or they won't be able to help you. You can do this, trust me they've heard it before. Good luck.
RobinsRant: Thanks.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1408499982 | 1408540486 | t3_2e1jvs | t5_2to41 | 1,469 | thedongone: TIFU by peeing on a cockroach while my girlfriend frantically tries to kill it
It must have been around 3 am in the morning when I decided to go take a piss. Now i had been playing runescape all night doing some questing and probably drank 6 bottles of coke during this so I REALLLY had to go. Walk in turn the lights on and immediately go to the toilet to piss. Well about 10 seconds after I started i see the biggest roach in my life and i absolutely HATE roaches. My first reaction is to scream like a little girl. Now me being really tired thinks its a great idea to try to kill it when i am still peeing. (Ok this is where it gets really weird) So still mid-piss and all my piss LANDS on the roach and for some unknown reason I start crying. I must have done something as a child that involved peeing on insects and it must have been so traumatizing that my reaction to pissing on a roach is to CRY. My girlfriend runs in because of my earlier yelp and she sees me running around without a shirt on trying to kill a roach while pissing all over the bathroom. She runs over to kill the roach while just staring at me crying while pissing on a roach. She kills it and then just stares at me for 5 minutes. I am for some unknown reason so emotionally scarred from peeing on the roach that im still crying and cant even explain what happened.
About 10 minutes later I finally calm down and I go to explain to her what happened and she just stares at me then cuts me off mid sentence and says, "good night" and goes to bed. Now as im typing this 30 minutes later still wondering, WHAT THE FUCK just happened?
Edit1: Omg thx for the gold. shoutout to GLCL SKYY
imatmydesk: Plays runescape in 2014, cries when he sees a cockroach, drinks multiple bottles of high-sugar beverages, has a girlfriend. Well folks, I officially give up ownership of my penis.
DarkClock: Eli5
rwat1: based on the OP's post history, he is a gaming nerd, drinks alot of soda (fat?), and cries while peeing on roach, and STILL has a girlfriend, while that guy (imatmydesk) presumely does not have one.
Kykykz: What post history?
EasyOnTheData: This post.
Kykykz: Oh my bad. though you meant others when you said history
| 7 | 209.857143 | |
1408496614 | 1408532519 | t3_2e1eef | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by wanting to smite a flea.
Ok.. So... this is one of the grossest things that has ever fucking happened to me. Rewind to last Friday. I had just got off work. It had been a long week. I was expecting some family to come by that night, so I spent most of my night cleaning, doing laundry, etc. I realized that it had been quite some time since my dog Abby, had been bathed. Abby is apple of my eye, my best friend. She is an inside dog, so she stays pretty clean and doesn't really need to be bathed as much as some dogs do. She is relatively clean all the time unless I take her camping or something.
Anyway, it was about time she had a bath. When I first rescued her, which was about a year ago, she had maybe one or two fleas. Not as many as you would think for a puppy that was just found outside with no shelter. I have never seen any fleas on her since the last time I got rid of them when she was just a tiny little furball. When she was finally old enough I started treating her with front line. She was good. No fleas or ticks. Well... I'm not too sure how or where, but when I was taking her collar off to get into the bath I noticed something on her leg. Upon further inspection I noticed it was a fucking flea!!!! Seriously?! She had just got her treatment about 2 weeks ago! Sigh.....
So I kindly ask her lay down so I can inspect her some more.. She was covered in fleas... I was horrified.... How could all these fleas go unnoticed until now?! What the fuck??!
Luckily.. I had one of those nifty flea combs. Like the ones they put in the box of head lice treatment, only for doggies. I gave Abby her bath. She hated it of course. The puppy eyes wouldn't work this time though. I scrubbed the shit out of her and made sure to get all up in the areas where the fleas love to hide. Rinsed her off. Noticed all the little dead flea bodies in the water and smiled a sinister smile at the site of their demise. Let me point out. I cannot hurt a fly. Literally.. I refuse to step on spiders and bugs. I'd rather just save them... but... when it comes to fleas, ticks and mosquito's... fuck those bitches... I feel no remorse whatsoever killing things that feed on my furbabies blood...
After her bath it was time for the combing part... I dried her off, gave her two treats for being so good in the bath. When she was done eating them I got her to lay on her back and started going to town, combing fleas, eggs, flea shit... all that good stuff. One thing I love to do, is when I get a big fat flea, I like to out it on a napkin nand press down on it with my index finger nail. It makes this 'POP' sound that is scarily satisfying. Well.... (Here comes the part where I fucked up..) I found this HUGE flea... I mean I have never seen a flea that fucking big. I thought it may have been a tick, but I know what a flea is and this thing was HUGE... Unreal.. I grabbed it, maneuvered it between my two index finger nails..... went to press it... and... POP!!!!! Blood... Yellow gooey flea guts.. whatever the fuck was inside of this fucking thing SHOT ON TO MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like a huge pimple on the mirror.. only..... fucking sicker.. omfg I was dying. I grabbed a baby wipe and started furiously rubbing. It got me right on the corner of my mouth, almost on my lip. I was in shock.
This horrified me... I just sat there blinking saying "wooah" and "what the actual fuck". Abby just stared at me like "are we done yet?". As awesome as it was to kill the shit out of that flea.. I almost puked. That was by far one of the sickest things to ever happen, and I will be sure to be more careful next time I am in a flea smiting mood. Take care!!
Wumbo123: Do you normally fold the napkin over the flea so the junk stays inside of the napkin?
Meatwad60niiinne: sometimes. but sometimes if I don't have a new napkin handy, or the toilet paper is far away Ill just pop it between my two index finger nails(cause their fast little fuckers) which is how this happened to begin with lmao
| 3 | 2 | |
1408500750 | 1408546072 | t3_2e1l4p | t5_2to41 | 12 | mmans1626: TIFU by putting water where the oil is supposed to go in a car
As with many things, this fuckup happened when I assumed too many things. Earlier today I get a call from my sister, and I hear that her car overheated and that she is parked along he side of the road. No biggie, I'll just bring 2 gallons of water along with me, and we can refill the radiator back up and we will be on our way. So I go over to where she is parked, and I remove the cap that I assumed was the cap for the radiator. The text was really faded on the cap and I didn't really see any other caps around the inside hood of the car, so in my mind I was like "Oh! This must be where the water goes!" even though there DISTINCTLY is a picture on the top that tells that it is for oil. So I proceed to pour in two gallons of water into the hole, we start up the car up, the car turns on, and go on our merry way. Not two minutes away from her house her car begins to smoke, and in my mind I'm thinking "Oh fuck it must have overheated." Well, I think about it for a little bit and start to put two and two together, and come to find out I poured two whole gallons of water into the oil reserve in her car. *Poof* Just like that, her car was totaled. Engine fried, car turned into a giant useless brick, and forever I will be known in the family as the dumbass who put water into the oil reserve. I'm going to cover the expenses of getting her a new car, but I will forever be known in the family as the dumbass who fucked up the simplest thing possible on a car.
TL;DR: Put water in the oil reserve, totaled the car.
Guitarknowitall: Even if you did find the right... hole... straight up water really isn't a good thing to put in any part of your car.
Ingens_Testibus: It's better than nothing though, in a pinch. Hell, even pissing into the radiator is enough to get you away from the Soviet Army.
GloomyShamrock: >even pissing into the radiator is enough to get you away from the Soviet Army.
Just a piss.
| 4 | 3 | |
1408501598 | 1408564635 | t3_2e1mgq | t5_2to41 | 219 | the_futt_bucker: TIFU by getting ripped a new asshole [nsfw]
...or should I say **cut** a new asshole. I just started working for a landscaping crew and was told to bring a utility knife to cut sod with. I should note that I am just working for the summer and staying with a friend in another town. With a million other things to worry about, the last thing I had time to do was find a utility knife my first night their so I asked to borrow my friends. This is where I done fucked up. He stated all he had was a cheap one from China but it should do the job. Hell it even had 10 extra razor blades in the handle so I was content with it. Work rolled around the next day and I was off. I had my front pockets full with my car keys and phones leaving no room to easily carry my utility knife. I thought to myself, what the hell why not carry it in my back pocket. The flimsy safety button managed to come open at some point, releasing the blade which decided to split me right straight and center in the asshole and proceeded right down my taint. The razor was so damn sharp it didn't even register at first. It then hit me like a ton of bricks. Slowly but surely my underwear began to fill up with warm blood. My first day of work was going great. It eventually stopped bleeding and I was able to make it home to assess the damage.
It's never fun, and not exactly easy to examine your own asshole. After looking I didn't think it looked too bad. Stung a little bit but I figured it would go away after a few days. I wish I could say the fuckup ended here, but sadly it did not. I started midweek on the new job and had to make a trip to the town where I usually live that weekend and visit my girlfriend. We decided to go out for some Mexican food. I normally don't poop often. Every couple of days. I hadn't taken a shit since the incident happened and had seemingly forgotten about it until the Mexican food hit. Dropping the kids off at the pool was excruciatingly painful. And the blood. Good god the blood. The toilet bowl was 50% shitty water, and 50% blood. Wiping was impossible. I used a shower wand to clean up the carnage. The cut was most certainly deeply laced with shit. In order to prevent an infection I was forced to finger my bunghole with antibiotic cream. The net week and a half was brutal, and the recovery was slow but I can finally say my ass is back to it's former glory.
**TL;DR** Got assfucked by a razor blade, promptly ate Mexican food
I_Will_Try_More: At any stage did going to see a Doctor ever enter your mind?
Omnipotence456: He's a landscaper, he ain't got that kinda cash.
fourmajor: anyone who says they still can't afford healthcare hasn't heard of the ACA. somehow.
DRahven: Have heard of the ACA, still can't afford healthcare. Welcome to minimum wage :/
rob_var: Its sad when you are too "rich" for public assistance programs but to poor to afford healthcare
DRahven: Yes it is.
| 7 | 31.285714 | |
1408499370 | 1408568355 | t3_2e1iue | t5_2to41 | 9 | SyMag: TIFU by looking for something to write on.
Earlier this morning I was at an event for my school's football program to try out a new pregame tradition for the team to enter the stadium. I don't have a car at the moment, so I've been using my dad's truck to get myself around while I'm away at school. Our school has a new football coach, and I've been meaning to get his autograph for quite some time.
Unfortunately I was running late because my alarm clock didn't go off, so I forgot a pen and some paper, only realizing it when I got to the stadium. I looked in my dad's glove box and managed to find a working pen, but still no paper. I checked the only other place there might be paper--in the storage space located behind the back of the seat between the driver's and passenger's.
I finally found a paper, though it was folded. I opened it up, and found that it was a love letter written to my dad from April 2001. The problem, though, is that this note was signed by someone I don't know. It wasn't my mom's name. Sooooo yeah, what was supposed to be an awesome morning just got really awkward really quick.
tl;dr I needed paper and accidentally found potential evidence of an affair that my dad had.
[deleted]: I'm so sorry to hear this! Maybe it's not what it looks like. I hope this works out for you.
SyMag: It's definitely what it looks like:
April 23, 2001
"(My dad's name)-
I want you to know And always Remember from this Day Forward until Forever
I Never Knew things could be this way...
I Love You More than words can say. You've Captured My Heart - I Need you to Know. I belong To you.
And will NEVER LET GO.
Thank you for loving me baby.
Always.
(Name of the alleged whore my dad hooked up with)"
SyMag: It just sucks because I have nobody to talk about this to. I can't go to family because they'd go straight to my mom. She's too unstable right now because of other things going on in our life, mostly financial troubles. If she learned about this, it would completely destroy her.
It just sucks because she's already said my dad isn't emotionally there for her, but I can't just go through with it by telling her this. Especially considering my dad has MS and my mom is the only one taking care of him anymore after his side of the family disowned him.
[deleted]: It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. The letter was from a long time ago; maybe you don't need to worry about it. I'm praying for you. <3
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1408503008 | 1408504268 | t3_2e1opj | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by introducing my girlfriend to reddit. And giving her my username.
I seriously do not know what possessed me to do this.
USNSwimmer: >TIFU by introducing my *ex* girlfriend to reddit.
FTFY
roastofherbs: Problem, meet solution.
| 3 | 5 | |
1408500855 | 1408540138 | t3_2e1lb1 | t5_2to41 | 168 | ThrowawayTesties: TIFU by getting an ultrasound on my testicles.
It wasn't today. This was 4 years ago when I was about 24 years old. I haven't thought about it for a long time but recently I have been thinking about it for some reason. Wanted to share one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. Throwaway for privacy.
So about 4 years ago (Please don't judge) I had a problem abusing painkillers. I've had a VERY addictive personality all my life, but that time was one of my worst. I used to go to hospitals (I know, not cool. I'm not proud.) and lie to get scripts. Well this specific time I went I decided to switch it up. I went in pretending to have major pain in my testicles. Doctor wanted to make sure nothing majorly serious like cancer. Wants me to get ultrasound of balls. Get into room. Have to lie on bed, pants down, and hold towel over my dick to the side. Nurse comes in to do ultrasound. Girl is SUPER hot, early 20s. She squirts that gel on my ballsack. Starts moving ultrasound wand around on my junk capturing every area she can. Feels too good. Try to think of things to get it off my mind. Can't. Hold back as best I can, start cumming slowly. She's still looking for a few minutes after, gets done and says I can get dressed.
[MFW](http://i.imgur.com/UIooWEQ.jpg) when not sure if she saw or not on the ultrasound or realized.
MFW^ waiting awkwardly for results from doctor.
MFW^ it all worked out well and I got a bonus out of it.
-----
tl;dr Got ultrasound on balls by hot nurse, came.
exzite: teach me how to cum by rubbing only the sac o.o
PopeGregoryIX: Step 1: Become addicted to painkillers.
Jimmyjim12: Step 2: lie about pain in your testicles.
Cancani: Step 3: get really aroused by a ballsack massage and cum
SWEGTA2: Step 4: Rinse and repeat
| 6 | 28 | |
1408501650 | 1408522272 | t3_2e1mj8 | t5_2to41 | 127 | trainerswing: TIFU by balancing football boots on my erect penis
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. As I type this I feel a little smile creep over my face. I guessed I've finally gotten over it. It's a long read but worth it...maybe.
Let's set the scene: I was a 14 year old boy (now early twenties) and like lots of boys that age, I was no stranger to my erect penis. It'd pop up at me seemingly every other minute of every day. Oftentimes I'd greet it with a not-so-formal handshake behind closed doors. Other times I'd be good and ignore it. You get the drift. I was at peace with my piece.
So, to the day it happened. I used to play a lot of football (soccer to non Brits) and one day I came home from a vigorous training session and just really needed to shower. I got in the house, called out to my Mum that I was home and ran straight upstairs to wash.
I got in the bathroom, flung my clothes all over the floor and had a shower. Easy. On getting out of the shower, I realised that my peen had straightened out significantly and was eager to nuisance me. Yet again, I had an erection. I chose to ignore it and began drying off, hoping it would hang back down. After I had finished drying off, Wangy McJohnson was still erect and for a second I was a little annoyed; he just would not leave me alone.
**HOWEVER,**
In this moment of annoyance also came a moment of teenage ingenuity. I saw my clothes and towel on the floor and in that moment, figured that I could, well...test the strength of my peen.
It started off quite simple. Grabbed a t-shirt, balanced it on there. Added the shorts. Added the socks. That was too easy, so (still laughing to myself) I thought I would do willy pull-ups with the towel. It was a big heavy towel, so I folded it in half and balanced it on there. I started clenching my member and wahey! There we go. My penis was lifting weights and I couldn't be happier. 14 y/o me didn't need much to have a good time.
From here I figured I could make a game of this, so I opened up the bathroom door and also my bedroom door. House logistics: When you open the bathroom door, you are on the hallway. 90 degrees right, and you have the opening to my bedroom and the consequent end of the hallway. Straight ahead was my siblings bedroom, 90 degrees left and you have the top of the staircase. 180 degrees and you're facing back in the bathroom.
Only my Mum was home, and she had no reason to come upstairs so I was in the clear.
Absolutely bollock naked and with a penis Medusa could have been staring at, I made a game of it.
I balanced the t-shirt on the end of my shlong, began some steadying, gentle hip swings, and once I got enough momentum...**FLING!** I swung the t-shirt from where I was stood outside the bathroom and into my bedroom. This was only a few metres away at most but hey, it was hilariously satisfying.
The shorts followed. **FLING!**
Sock number one. **Fling!**
Sock number two. **Fling!**
Towel. *Flengh!* (Flengh because it took a few attempts and just sort of dropped due to the weight and size)
I felt quite proud of myself. Then I saw my football (soccer) boots just sitting there. They had seen what I was doing. *They had seen what I was doing,* and I can only imagine what they must have been thinking. Nevertheless, like a great Viking warrior I picked up boot number one, and did the same. The shape of the boot made it quite difficult to balance though and it took a while before I got the knack. Eventually, after much balancing and semi-squatting, I mastered it and all was great.
So, boot number two.
Now what I haven't mentioned is that the staircase (90 degrees to my left) was like a broken U shape, so if you were on the upstairs hallway you wouldn't know someone was coming up the stairs until they were at the final four steps, and directly facing you.
Of course if you were listening even the tiniest bit you would hear someone, but if you were concentrating really, really hard on balancing a football boot on your dick you wouldn't. You wouldn't hear a thing. Especially as no one ever really came upstairs (only siblings, who were away for a few weeks).
So, it happened. In full concentration, in full nudity, in full glory; there I was stood, hands on hips, back arched, boot on boner when my Mum came up the stairs. She looked straight at me. She was four steps away. That's like 2 metre's from where I stood. Her eye level would have been at my third eye level.
I have no idea why my Mum came upstairs.
I have no idea why I was flinging football boots off my throbber.
We never spoke about it and still haven't to this day. She turned around instantly with a gasp and headed back downstairs.
I locked myself in my room and we avoided each other for as long as possible.
I just hope she forgot.
**Tl;dr: at 14 y/o I tried to fling a football boot off my erect penis only for my Mother to see.**
...I still don't know why.
butyouCANeven: Trust me, your mom did not forget.
JBalk9000: She's still hoping he breaks his arms.
butyouCANeven: Wincest
| 4 | 31.75 | |
1408506957 | 1408551390 | t3_2e1upx | t5_2to41 | 8 | INFECTEDTRUTH: TIFU by kissing a girl who is getting married in a month
fuck.. what the fuck did I get myself into? I met this girl at work about 1 year ago. From the start, I knew she was engaged. I think knowing this fact actually helped me to open up and get to know her. We became friends from the start. I was good, never thought of her as someone I would be interested in... I just wanted make friends. She invites to her parties and everyone hangs out. Over the coming months, our chatting slowly increased. Why? We just got along well, and it easy to talk to her. I still didn't think I was vulnerable.. but once I started hanging out more with her , I saw her in a different light. She was one of the most caring and fun people I have met. Everything stated innocently. we talked alot , then things turned into a little flirting(just hitting and pulling) which went on for few months... eventually , it was obvious.. we had told each other that we were attracted to one another. In hindsight, I fucked up. should of never opened my stupid mouth. Last month or so, things got heavy. we discussed alot of emotional topics and how we need to set boundaries in our relationship. Of course, the attempt was lazy. The attraction is just too fucking tempting. Today, we fucking made out in the hall way. It was passionate.. and feel fucking good. no lies. The fact that we almost got caught made it quite exciting and crazy. Dont get me wrong. I know this is fucking bad. I know you all going to hate on me for doing this shit. I accept it. i was at the same fucking place that you guys were and thought this could never happen to me... why me? I think my emotional high is wearing off now... and damn.. I am scared... not for me.. but for her. she has so much to lose. sure, I will be hurt but thats it..., but she can lose everything, her marriage, her friends, family. The truth is that if I truly cared for her , I would get the fuck out and stop this stupid mess. fuck , I should but the I dont know if i can go against the tide.. fuck.. someone is going to get hurt.. and its not going to be an happy ending. am i ready for hell to break loose? Fuck. Hopefully , I come to some kind of conclusion soon and I hope its the smart one.
I am outty
Joben_Pweope: Tell her exactly how you feel about not wanting to ruin things for her. I am sure she feels guilty as well . You both probably need to take a breather and not hang out or talk for a while till shit cools down.
INFECTEDTRUTH: yeah man. that is definitely the most sensible thing to do...but let me tell you .. the thrill of it.. is intoxicating as hell....no fucking lies.
but I need definitely cool off a little bit... and then see what happens. if we get caught, I am going to labeled as that guy.. which I can get over, but I am afraid what would happen to her...
I think i am going to tell her this tomorrow and not initiate too much contact tomorrow.
Thanks for the advice.
Joben_Pweope: Yeah I believe you. As someone who has been in a similar situation but maybe not to that extent it is a rush but usually does not end well. Especially if you still work with her and/or have a relationship or can be found by the fiance.
INFECTEDTRUTH: We discussed this morning..we talked about it and we agreed that we need to slow it down.. take a breather, which is good with me..
On the way back , during the walk through the hall way( where the kiss happened) , my urges came back, so I rushed the stairs and move quickly.
I don't know man.. I know I say one thing right now.. but urges are strong. I will do my best to stay away... emotionally and wont' make contact unless she initiates at this time... that's all I can promise , but nothing more.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1408504602 | 1408529545 | t3_2e1r7c | t5_2to41 | 16 | Maroon_Unicorn: TIFU by singing the Ying Yang Twins in public.
Today I was waiting in line for burgers when "Wait" by the Ying Yang Twins decided to pop into my head. So I start singing the iconic lyrics "Hey bitch, wait till you see my dick" under my breath. The woman in line in front of me heard me, turned around, and gave me the filthiest, most terrifying glare I've ever received.
Burger was alright though.
[deleted]: This is what's wrong with the generation of today.
Maroon_Unicorn: I'm a bit old to be considered a part of the iPhone generation, but thanks for the baseless assumption :)
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1408505638 | 1408539096 | t3_2e1str | t5_2to41 | 54 | tifuthrowawayhahaha: TIFU by accidentally giving my boyfriend an enema
So this story starts, as any good story does, with anal. Or at least, an attempt at anal. I'm not 100% sure why, but at some point since I have started dating my current boyfriend, I have become a wee bit obsessed with pegging. I really, really want to. Being the wonderful boyfriend that he is, B agreed to let me attempt anal play, despite a previous aversion to it.
I researched this online and was pretty prepared about what spot I was going for, how fast to go, and how much lube to use. What my research did not prepare me for was that enough lube definitely acts as an enema if you did not have the foresight to do that first. ("They" made it seem like it was optional!!!)
I'll skip the slippery details, but essentially, I used a lot of lube and it never became terribly comfortable for him, despite lots of foreplay, so we gave up and decided to go out for dinner and for a nice walk on the beach.
We get through dinner, everything is fine. We start on our walk. About ten minutes in, B turns to me and says, "Holy shit, I have to shit. NOW." And he starts running off back towards the restaurant we just left. I run after him, not sure what to do, when he makes a sudden detour to a bush. I walk around and lo and behold, there is my boyfriend, bare ass out, shitting on the ground. Not concealed at all behind this bush in the middle of a park. He walks back towards me after sheepishly doing up his pants again and kind of waddles back towards the restaurant. He has to stop again in another bush on the way there. He finally makes it back to the restaurant and ditches his boxers in the restroom (poor whoever empties that trash...).
When he comes out, he is bewildered and confused. "What the hell happened? I've never uncontrollably shit like that before."
Now it's my turn to be sheepish. I have had an enema once before, so I could only imagine that the amount of lube I used and the movement must have created an unexpected one for him. I admitted that that was probably what happened and now my boyfriend is scarred for life and will probably never let me near his ass again. :(
Probably for the best.
Ounceofdope: are you a guy or a girl
ladybrekizzle: Def a girl. Unless they used pegging incorrectly.
Ounceofdope: sorry i'm not perverted and had no idea what the term meant
aido727: You think *that* is perverted? Oh my, best stay living under that rock of yours... for your own mental safety.
thorium007: Should we mention things like goatse, lemonparty, 1 guy 1 jar?
aido727: To start off easy, sure
thorium007: Jolly Ranchers & Broken Arms too much?
| 8 | 6.75 | |
1408509070 | 1408543155 | t3_2e1xrc | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by gambling on a fart
harmlessmaniac: Just tell the truth, women appreciate honesty. "Hey this has been great but I have to leave now because I just shit myself. Here's some money for the meal and some napkins for the mess. Call me, bye!"
i_go_to_uri: what a gentleman!
harmlessmaniac: Hero? I don't know about that. I just consider myself a gentleman.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1408512607 | 1408514021 | t3_2e227m | t5_2to41 | 6 | Onecutmember: TIFU by not listening to my Doctors advice NSFW
So this is possibly the biggest fuck up I have ever done, and it seriously effected my life.
So as a child I was always prone to uirinary track infections or inflamed foreskin. Now this was because for some reason my forskin would not retract and made it very difficult to clean. I am not sure of the medical term but basically my foreskin stayed adhered to the glans, and did not separate like it should of. My Doctor that I had as a teen (13) suggested that I get circumcised and after explaining to me what a circumcision was my teenage brain clicked into survival mode and flat out said no.
So instead I spent my teenage years being put through endless creams, injections, and at one point haveing my foreskin stretched with forceps( I think that what those long clamps are called). Needless to say my penis and I were not very happy.
Now as an adult I moved and got a new Doctor, during a check up he noted that my foreskin could not retract and this was not normal for a 20 year old, he suggested I get circumcised and again I flat out said no.
Now a year later I got a really bad urinary track infection that spread to my kidneys and ended me up in the hospital.
So after my stay in the hospital it was suggested a third time by a different Doctor and a urologist that I get circumcised.
I finaly caved in and had the procedure done.
After the surgery I was surprised I was not it a lot of spin and infact felt great. After 6 weeks of healing I was given the okay to resume normal use of my penis, and up to this point it was just peeing.
*cue adventure music *
So I went home and made up for list time IT WAS GLORIOUS!.
So now at 33 a look back at my self and think that if I had only listened to my Doctor the first time I could have avoided the years of pain and suffering.
Note: I fucked up the title and had to repost this, my apologies for not proof reading before I post something.
Jedichop: Jesus, I can't believe I read this... and btw, you fucked up when you were 13. Not today.
Onecutmember: Read it... I had to live it.
| 3 | 2 | |
1408514058 | 1408516522 | t3_2e23z6 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating with my sister..
Today I fucked up big time. Being my horny self I hoped onto Omegle before dinner for some action, I released the kraken and got to work talking to a girl. She didn't show her face but agreed that we would masturbate with each other.. After 15 minutes we were both pretty much done and said our goodbyes. I headed down to the dinner table where I was joined by my mom, dad and sister. The whole meal she stared at me and I wasn't really clueing into why. Then I noticed her shirt.. The same one that the girl had on in the webcam.. Same shorts she took off.. Then I realised that I just accidental masturbated with my sister. Let's just say, We haven't talked since..
Rollinblacks: There was a commercial with this exact same scenario... OP bs?
AngryJawa: Good job detective, had I the power I would grant many a upvotes.
Jesus TIFU is full of bullshit stories.
Rollinblacks: Thank you for calling me a detective. Now I feel all cool and detective-y. :>
AngryJawa: You and the guy below, the guy below for providing the link.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1408514945 | 1408516012 | t3_2e250k | t5_2to41 | 9 | BlackLicorice420: TIFU by ordering a sex toy online
I let my older sister use my computer so that she could print out some papers. She kept her gmail info saved which didn't really bother me because I could just switch it back to my gmail. After she left I went back into my computer to order this sex toy I've been wanting for a while now. I let all my info be auto-filled and after clicking 'checkout' I realized that the receipt was going to be emailed to her instead of me. The receipt has my name plus the toy I just bought. She hasn't checked her email yet and I'm afraid.
Kickn1: your good just give her the toy maybe her birthday is around the corner
BlackLicorice420: I'm not close enough with my sister to be able to gift her a sex toy. It would just be weird.
TheGwolo: No chance now, be a boss and give it to her, or be a double boss and tell her it's for you.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1408515728 | 1408522037 | t3_2e25tv | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU born a white male :(
s_word: I don't hate you because you're white, I hate you because you're white and wallowing in self-pity when you could be making a difference with your 'white and man privilege.' Self-pity is really unattractive -- that's probably why people won't date you. That, and the lack of empathy.
[deleted]: I don't know how to use white privilege though. I have all these super white friends with money and stuff and I can barely hold down a job. I guess I am the odd one out when it comes to having privileges. Reminds me how I never had recess time when I was a kid, which made me think being fat and not exercising was ok.
bjokey: "White man privilege" isn't 100% true. Just another stereotype
Edit: I do remember a class I was in one had one black person who was always picked on, even by the teacher!
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1408515567 | 1408592450 | t3_2e25nl | t5_2to41 | 8,680 | Diodemedes: TIFU by teaching my down syndrome nephew to talk
My nephew Daniel is 3 years old, diagnosed with Down Syndrome, and hadn't said a word before last week. My brother and his wife have been taking him to speech therapy, but to no avail.
Well, the stars aligned such that they were both working and, after going through all the in-laws and siblings, they chose me to take the little tyke to his appointment.
On the way to the therapist's office, I notice a car pulling up to the street from a parking lot and think nothing of it. Lots of folks try to pull out onto the road at the first opportunity. No big deal... until the guy decides there's enough of an opening in front of me for him to get in. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" I yelled as I slammed on the brakes and swerved. Somehow we don't hit the guy, nor does the woman in the other lane hit me.
So heart's beating a little fast, and I'm nervous that I've scared Daniel. "How ya doing, big fella?" And that's when Daniel decided to talk. His first words. It was actually a little song.
*OOooh shit shit shit shit*
*ooOOoh shit shit shit shit*
*Oh shit shit shit shit*
*Oooh shit shit shit shit*
*OOoh shit shit shit shit*
*OOooh shit shit shit shit.*
I'm frantic. How do I keep the fact that his first word is a song of Shit from both the therapist and his parents? I mean, I'm proud of the little guy for talking, but geez, they're going to have my head!
Well, we get to the office, my heart's racing, and the therapist is a pro. She comes out of her office, kneels down to his level, and asks, "Hi Daniel, how do you feel today?" And my heart sank as Daniel performed an encore of his hit single, "Oh Shit."
*OOooh shit shit shit shit*
*ooOOoh shit shit shit shit*
*Oh shit shit shit shit*
*Oooh shit shit shit shit*
*OOoh shit shit shit shit*
*OOooh shit shit shit shit.*
I have no idea where he got this tune, but the lyrics clearly came from me. I'm panic-stricken. Dumbfounded. Thoroughly embarrassed. The therapist? She never misses a beat. "I see that you're talking now! That's great, Daniel!" And she took his hand and they walked back into the office/ playroom. What a pro.
My sister-in-law still isn't speaking to me.
Edit: I have sent /u/ThePeoplesBard the gist of the tune. Hopefully he'll come through a recording of his version soon. I'll edit the OP with a link when he does.
Edit 2: /u/ThePeoplesBard delivers! Thanks, friend! http://clyp.it/45w20e0o
Edit 3: And now my gold is ended. What a wild, wild ride guys. Thanks for the party that is reddit gold.
IR444: Guess who never has to worry about driving Daniel to therapy again.
d00d_pagebau5: Obviously Daniel's parents! One car ride with OP and the child could speak.
**OP IS A MIRACLE WORKER**
tjjhg45: And Jesus took the chocolate and said "Eat it, this is my shit shit shit shit".
kingeryck: Ah, yes Mark 7:31-37:
*There some people brought to him a boy who had Down's and could not talk, and they begged OP to take him to therapy.*
*OP swerved, narrowly missing someone in the road. He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, “Shit shit shit!!”*
*OP commanded him not to tell anyone. But the more he did so, the more the boy repeated it.*
kn33: In case anyone's curious, here's what Mark 7:31-37 actually says. And to my surprise, it's actually relevant.
Mark 7:31-37 NLT
>Jesus left Tyre and went up to Sidon before going back to the Sea of Galilee and the region of the Ten Towns. A deaf man with a speech impediment was brought to him, and the people begged Jesus to lay his hands on the man to heal him. Jesus led him away from the crowd so they could be alone. He put his fingers into the man’s ears. Then, spitting on his own fingers, he touched the man’s tongue. Looking up to heaven, he sighed and said, “Ephphatha,” which means, “Be opened!” Instantly the man could hear perfectly, and his tongue was freed so he could speak plainly! Jesus told the crowd not to tell anyone, but the more he told them not to, the more they spread the news. They were completely amazed and said again and again, “Everything he does is wonderful. He even makes the deaf to hear and gives speech to those who cannot speak.”
wastinshells: You're doing the lords work Sir.
scared2mosh: Literally
Lord_Dog: This is what I love About reddit. From teaching a boy the shit song to doing the lords work all in one thread.
[deleted]: Yeaahhh, by doing the Lords work, it reminded me that they didn't listen to this, and can't keep silent about a miracle happening. If they hadn't started all the crazy rumors about this Jesus guy think of how long he could have gone on spreading the word and getting it known and understood better. No crucifixion interrupting his plans if they coulda just keep a secret. He could have had secret plans to eventually dictate/write a book, but nooooo, yall had to go spreading rumors.
scared2mosh: ... except his death was a plan all along... so...
[deleted]: Was it? WAS IT?! Or was that just it being made up as it went along.
| 12 | 723.333333 | |
1408516179 | 1408548625 | t3_2e268q | t5_2to41 | 14 | battering-ram: TIFU: By Letting my girl ride me! NSFW
Teotwawki69: What you did there, I see it. Although the more normal protocol would be either:
A) I rubbed hot sauce/poison ivy/muscle balm on my junk...
B) I shot my wad on/in front of/because of the wrong person and/or SMS/Skyped it to everyone I've ever met...
C) I had a really bad experience while taking a shit...
D) I'm 14 and I'm just making crap up because it makes me hard...
Choose any two of the above, then add "strap-on."
Lord_Hemlock: You forgot.
A) Slept with creepy-kinky chick.
B) Forgot to disconnect from Bluetooth speakers when watching porn.
C) Shoves something up your ass and fucked up.
Teotwawki69: Your "C" only applies if it was easily breakable. A and B... spot on.
Lord_Hemlock: Or is someone walks in. Or it doesn't come out.
Oh! And forgetting to put away vibrators!
Teotwawki69: And Skype/Text/Sext junk to possible future ex family in law and/or professors and TA...
johnnywacko: Bleach splashing on asshole is also popular.
| 7 | 2 | |
1408514784 | 1408524104 | t3_2e24uh | t5_2to41 | 73 | thebeespyjamas: Tifu by giving head with a little ninja around [NSFW]
First things first I live in a house with my family and various siblings. Secondly for some reason even though I'm 18 my mum insists I keep my bedroom door open when I have guys in there with me (because apparently it stops us from messing around in the otherwise empty basement). My boyfriend and I hang out in my room a lot and one particular say things where heating up between us and he suggested I give him head while on my knees. I willingly agreed along with it as he stood up back to my doorway with the door, like my mum demanded, wide open. We got to it and were both enjoying it a fair bit. As we where getting busy my 7 year old sister decided it would be a good time to play ninja and spy on us. I happen to catch her just after she sees us and pull away from him. My boyfriend noticing something was up runs into my closest to get presentable. While he's doing that I try and talk to a very confused kid and eventually get around to bribing her with ice cream to wash away the childhood trauma.
PartTimeBarbarian: sloot
thebeespyjamas: I don't see how that makes me a slut.
ParanoiDMusic08: it rather makes you a good girlfriend :)
BadIdeaBro: and a bad sister...
thebeespyjamas: Naw son I got the kid got some ice cream 2 scoops in a waffle cone. I can only hope she didn't see enough to remember it in her teens and cringe.
BadIdeaBro: > Naw son
> I'm 18
-_-
thebeespyjamas: 18 fresh out of high school. Just because I'm 18 doesn't mean I'm mature. I still use stupid phrases because my friends do.
BurntLeftovers: But you're part of your friend group; you're reinforcing it by using it.
Not saying you should stop, I don't care what you say, just own the fact that it's your choice to say it because you want to.
| 9 | 8.111111 | |
1408516088 | 1408517475 | t3_2e265l | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my balls a close shave.
So, this might not be the biggest FU out there but for me, it was kinda big.
I have a trimmer that I can set the length on.
So i usually set it to 9mm and then just go to town on my balls and the surrounding areas.
When I was almost done (just a few rebels left) and i was passing trough the "central park" (the area just above the pillar, front and center) it slides in to 1mm and suddenly...I have a huge bald-spot that's bleeding...
For purposes still unknown, I decided to take the rest of with a razor (Yepp, I cut down the entire forest) to even it out.
So, now I look like im 7 years old, my balls are freezing and I have months of itching to look forward to.
TL;DR
Accidentally cut down a forest.
matthewosx: It will grow back don't be worried and the cut will be fine as we'll! Just look at it as a fresh start ya know?
Droodster: An itchy start <.<
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408504955 | 1408568390 | t3_2e1rrh | t5_2to41 | 18 | tbhbbidgaf: TIFU by thinking it were just dust bunnies
A few mornings ago, I woke up to see dust bunnies inside the casing of my electric fan. Okay, it's just dust bunnies. I can ask my uncle or whoever to clean it up for me later. I go downstairs to grab some breakfast and take a bath. Something's still bugging me about the dust bunnies and how thick and compact the two chunks were, so after I bathe, I went upstairs to my room again to dress up and fix myself, looking from time to time at the said dust bunnies. Then it hit me: I saw a tail hanging out of the fan casing from one dust bunny and maroon goo on another. It was a goddamned mouse that went inside the fan casing only to meet its death and being sliced into two. Insides out. It's obvious to say, everyone at home woke up at 5 in the morning to me frantically panicking.
**TL;DR TIFU by seeing a real /r/deadmau5**
ryanskiee: wtf
bjokey: wtf
tbhbbidgaf: wtf
El_Snapster: Wtf
yliu1021: C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER
bjokey: ...what have you done? You've doomed us all! *moon explodes*
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1408521438 | 1408546927 | t3_2e2baz | t5_2to41 | 85 | Addyct: TIFU by trying to burn a tick off of my dog's belly.
It wasn't a tick.
It was his nipple.
I'm a monster.
bamisdead: Never try to burn off a tick. Same with trying to suffocate it out with oils or rubbing alcohol. In both cases, you cause the tick to [vomit out anything it has gorged on](http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/science/05real.html?_r=0) before it backs out of the bite, causing the chance of disease to be spread to skyrocket.
mistercrabb: Correct, best thing to do is use those tic removers that look like little claw hammers without the hammer part. It just pulls them out without squeezing their body.
| 3 | 28.333333 | |
1408511780 | 1408558076 | t3_2e218k | t5_2to41 | 5 | PutThatCatDown: TIFU by not taking advantage of the law
Ano-Boshi-Kudasai: That wouldn't have been taking advantage of the *law* as much as it would have been taking advantage of the poor *dealer* who would have had to have paid for the van...
PutThatCatDown: He makes more money than us. My dad makes like 90k-100k a year. He's not exactly poor.
Princess-Todash: 100k a year, and you're living on ramen noodles and water?... The real fuck up here is how y'all budget your money.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1408523468 | 1408527927 | t3_2e2d1u | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by burping when my girlfriend said I love you
Recently my stomach has been acting dodgily, I won't go into the details but let's say things feel delicate and squishy. Anyway, as I was leaving the room my girlfriend looks at me with her big beautiful eyes, leans in close and says "I love you". Now, I had been holding in a burp and was on the way to the bathroom. What came out of my mouth was a disturbingly twisted version of what I had planned to say. In reply I basically said " I lurp... Christ". It sounded like a frog being strangled with piano wire. The look in her eyes went from loving and beautiful to 'oh my god that's horrible' and mild confusion as my noxious cloud rolled towards her face. I'm now hiding in the bathroom.
tl;dr my girlfriend said "I love you" and I burped in her face.
sandman12456: Did you correct yourself after and explain?
ASmoothSloth: It came out as a strangled choke.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408522100 | 1408592332 | t3_2e2bvl | t5_2to41 | 19 | TexaslTech: TIFU by drinking something not Dr. Pepper out of a Dr Pepper Bottle
So I was playing some video games with my brother, and after whooping him, I became thirsty. I saw a Dr. Pepper bottle next to my brother, and without asking, I took a good swig. About a few seconds later, I realized it wasn't Dr. Pepper. It was dip spit. I was freaking out because this nasty juice was in my mouth, so I spat it out and washed my mouth out for a good 5 minutes. The taste was still in my mouth, so I puked. I don't think I can ever drink soda again...
ultrachilled: First, who chews tobacco while playing video games? Second, how didn't you notice him spitting in the bottle?
r0b0torg: Probably dip not chewing tobacco. ... and saves the time from taking cigarette breaks..... tobacco is highly addictive btw
ultrachilled: I'm not very familiar with this practice. What is dip?
r0b0torg: Chewing tobacco is chewed and spit out.. treated, caused a larger budge in side face... dip is ground and fine inserted with fiberglass and stuff to allow it to insert it straight into your bloodstream.... whilst swallowing chew is gross swallowing dip is far worse
r0b0torg: But after time and experience I have seen both chewers and dippers swallow
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1408524483 | 1408543215 | t3_2e2dwh | t5_2to41 | 24 | Esosta: TIFU by not knowing I was Asian
So usually on standardized testing or forms they ask you what your race is, and as a Mixed Black-Indian student I had only chosen "African-American" because I was never told that Asian covers Asia and the Indian subcontinent, and since I'm going to apply to colleges, this is even more of an issue for my application. I feel bad because I ranted to several people about this until I filled out an engineering application which said that and in that exact moment I flashed back to every application I've ever filled out and not recognizing my Indian Heritage.
TIFU by not know that on forms "Asian" includes Asia and the Indian subcontinent.
seppty: In What countries do people still ask for "race" in applications? Sounds ridiculous.
Hadrimda: because they have quotas to fill
speakthenthink: Which are basically racist because people get hired because the company needs 1 more black guy and 2 more Asians instead of the guys with the best papers.
Even reversed racism is bad...
CypherZer0: >reversed racism
speakthenthink: Sorry I was looking for: positive discrimination
CypherZer0: Isn't it also negative discrimination against members of ethnicities that aren't promoted?
speakthenthink: Well obviously, you can't treat one person better then the other without treating the other less well...
| 8 | 3 | |
1408527578 | 1408538405 | t3_2e2gh5 | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a psychiatric patient about twilight
I usually work at the ER and ICU as a murse. But this week i have been doing some extra work at a psychiatric ward for teenagers. This one boy that was really in to movies(i am not) came to the ward and it was my job to interview him for about an hour to get some background information. Because he was about 13 years old i tought it would be a good idea to break the ice and ask if he liked twilight..
This was a massive mistake.
He started to yell at me about how i even can imagine that he would like such a bad movie and it went just downhill from there. I asked him to please calm down and he got so frustrated that he attacked me by kicking my leg and slap my ear. I pinned he down at the floor and called for help. He got an panic attack and got really violent and cried, so eventuelly we had to give him muscular injektions to calm him down and start medical restraint care. Two more days here.
Apologies for my english skills.
Nihht: I mean, we all hate Twilight, but that is not an appropriate reaction.
PerturbedPelican: *slaps ear*
| 3 | 12 | |
1408531479 | 1408551016 | t3_2e2jw0 | t5_2to41 | 19 | myshiftkeyisbroken: TIFU by sitting on a toilet
So it's 3am and I just finished playing league game. I drink a lot of water so I really had to use the toilet. So I sat down and did the business while browsing reddit. Suddenly it starts to itch and I look down. Apparently, my mom put ammonia in the bowl to clean it up. Now my ass has weird rashes and it itches like crazy.
hyeongseop: Wait so your butt *touched* the ammonia? Why is the water level in your toilet so high? Was the toilet seat not down?
plasma1147: the shit makes a splash water
hyeongseop: Ahh... splashback, of course.
clever-pun: "Poseidon's kiss" some call it
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1408521337 | 1408540107 | t3_2e2b80 | t5_2to41 | 26 | PM_ME_YOUR_GRANDMA_: TIFU by re-using fapkins
to preface- this happened a few months ago, and it's personal, so throwaway.
One fine day, I was sick at home, and bored, and I decided to entertain myself by summing the ol' trombone. I don't have tissues in my room, so I grabbed some toilet paper from the bathroom, and did the deed. later that day, I felt the urge again, so I repeated the same task I had performed earlier. this time, though, there was a problem. when I was close to finishing, I realized that I had no tissues. without thinking, I grabbed the first thing I could think of: the tissue from earlier, right out of the trash, and used that.
unfortunately for captain penis, I also have an ant problem in my room. with that tissue came about 40-50 ants, all of which dismounted the napkin and hopped onto my one-eyed goo flinger. that was probably the closest I've ever come in my life to lighting my dick on fire, but I stopped myself before I did, and instead took an hour long shower.
TL;Dr: I tried to get away with not preparing for a fap, and ended up with an infestation
speakthenthink: Doesn't matter, had sex.
ilurvekarma: With ants
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1408529216 | 1408579238 | t3_2e2hw2 | t5_2to41 | 22 | Sir_Dandyo: TIFU by opening my blinds
Few weeks ago. Warm summer night so I decided I would sleep nude. Woke up at 10am, mother is at work and the house is empty, hear a weird clanging noise at my window, assume it's a bird so get out of bed and open the blinds (curtains, shutters) to investigate. It Is the windows cleaner and I am stood there naked with morning wood. There is awkward eye contact, he is as shocked as me. I shut the blinds and go back to bed.
mightyodin: get out of bed and open the blinds (curtains, shutters)<
Promoted to: flasher. Wooo
Sir_Dandyo: Idk if people call blinds something else in other countries
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1408535479 | 1408563038 | t3_2e2nw8 | t5_2to41 | 262 | [deleted]: TIFU by " cheating " on my wife.
So this literally happened 5 hours ago. So it's a real TIFU. Anyway. I'm married with 2 daughters, 6 and 4. Been with my wife for 8 years, married for 5. I was doing some assignment for my Calc 2 class (in college for Electronic engineering tech) when I started to get really tired. This is where my FU happened. I went to an online chat site called Omegle. It's where you get randomly connected to people to talk. No username. No contact info. Just random conversation. I was on it for maybe 15 min and I got connected with this woman also in college and we proceeded to make small talk. Around this time my wife woke up and came in to my office and saw this. She basically proceeded to flip her shit, saying I was cheating on her ( I never ever cheated on her) and kicked me out of my own house. I am currently writing this while on my mom's couch and i have no clue what to do. I tried to explain it was mindless chatter to help keep me awake, but she is holding onto this and I'm afraid she won't let it go. I feel trapped and I don't want my daughters to grow up without me.
Update* heading back to my house now to talk to her, her dad is there. I'll let you know what happens.
MiaOh: So, I went to this Omegle. I tried it 10 times and each time it was all about talk dirty/be kinky/video sex. Whenever I told them I just wanted to chat about studies, surprise surprise, they disconnected
If your wife has heard about the site, no wonder she flipped out. Why don't you propose to your wife that you are willing to talk to a marriage therapist to talk through this issue?
And next time you want to just chat, (1) go to your student board forums or (2) go to reddit instead of visiting hookup sites glorified as 'chat' forums.
Btw I think this is some kind of viral marketing to direct people to Omegle. If so, then kudos to you, at least I went and checked out the site.
ThegreatPee: You can chat on Reddit?
hanky2: Hi
MiaOh: Hi right back. Wanna take the chat to skype? I'm feeling kinky!
^is the exact dialogue I had with someone in Omegle a few hours back.
PM_me_yourkittens: I made someone cry once because I refused to show him my tits, then said his friend was better-looking.
dragonwart: Must be some incredible tits. Now I want to see them.
hanky2: PM your kittens first.
| 8 | 32.75 | |
1408535192 | 1408584713 | t3_2e2nma | t5_2to41 | 25 | throwaway47682: TIFU by going running on an upset stomach
So, throw away (obviously).
I'm visiting my girlfriends hometown in the upper peninsula. The town is very small- one of those places where what happens at the bar gets home before you do. It's a great town though, and I look forward to coming here every year. Well, maybe not anymore.
Last night we went to my favorite barbecue north of town. I love this place. Seriously, it makes the barbecue of the gods. But this time... This time it wasn't so good. Something was just off. Disappointing, but not the end of the world.
Fast forward to today. I wake up, and oh God... my stomach. It was horrible. Figuring I was just paying for a night of heavy drinking, I went for a run, which is my typical hangover cure. I got about 2 miles out on the far side of town, and my stomach started to churn. Then it happened. You probably already know. I shat my pants. Not just sharted- shat.
There was nothing pleasant about this. Slimy, wet, liquid shit running down the legs. Now, I'm not one to give up when a situation goes tits up, and any self respecting respecting 25 year old can admit to shitting their pants at least once in their life. I quickly ducked into the bushes, cleaned myself up, and made a leaf diaper in an attempt to contain the foul mass. Since it was still pre-dawn, all hope was not lost. I could ninja my way back to the house from side street to side street, avoiding the busy areas. The only treacherous area to cross would be the grocery store parking lot, and even that's large enough you can cross it anonymously.
So I thought.
As I was crossing the parking lot, a car approached. Out of the car stepped 1) My girlfriend's grandma, 2) Her aunt, and 3) her cousin (my age). Grandma popped out of the car and said "Hey, Anon, how are you...". The conversation froze there. Eyes. Shitty pants. Back to the eyes. Everyone saw it. I managed to sputter out an "I really have to go", and ran off shamed. I slinked back into the house basement, through my drawers into the laundry machine, and have been hiding out here ever since.
Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and never leave this basement. Today is going to be a long day.
TL:DR- Went for a hangover run, shat my pants, ran into my girlfriends family.
Floyd_Pink: I'm a self-respecting person of more than 25 years of age, and I have never shit myself.
Also, is it Saturday where you are?
ihatetransfers: 23 years old and ive shit myself twice. Sneezing while having the green squeeze already is not a good combination. Was at home both times at least.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1408533697 | 1408581658 | t3_2e2m3n | t5_2to41 | 84 | 2pacoclock: TIFU by saying "sorry"
I was at a bar and I needed to use the bathroom. I tried opening the bathroom door, but it wouldn't budge. There was a guy inside and he said "I'm using it!".
So, I said "Sorry". Sat down and waited.
I waited for about 5 minutes until he finally came out. He started talking to me "Oh my god! You scared me. I was standing in there and I was too scared to come out. I thought you were a MONSTER".
He added "Your voice is really, really deep and I thought you wanted to barge in and kill me".
I was a little offended so I said "Okay". I wanted to shake his hand so I moved a little closer to him, but he took a few steps back.
I tried to reach out with my hand as a sort of peace offering. But he backed away and quickly ran up the stairs.
Sigh...
Doopliss2008: I have a deep voice, happens to me too.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: God damn it yo. Every time for me too.
YAlwaysMe: yeah but that's your fetish, man...
| 4 | 21 | |
1408536290 | 1408537840 | t3_2e2otj | t5_2to41 | 9 | victorias_sec: TIFU by inviting a thief to my home
My new husband told me that his 24yr. old daughter steals and she was never allowed over, yet I encouraged him to have a relationship with her and have her over. After the second time she was over, my expensive Victoria Secret bra was missing. It never even occurred to me that she took it. When she came over again, I could clearly see she was wearing my bra under her white top. I was shocked! Considering the circumstances I didn't say anything. I know she'll be over again wearing it. It's a delicate situation. Not only do I want my bra back, but she needs to know we won't tolerate any thieving from our home. How should I handle it?
j-sap: Don't allow the daughter in your home. Have your husband and his daughter meet out of the home. If that doesn't work door locks and auto closing hinges on any door that has something valuable behind it.
victorias_sec: It was my fault for listening to her lies. She was a troubled kid, and when we got engaged, the first thing I was given was a remorseful letter saying that she has changed, and will try better. I had left my bra in the bathroom to hand wash the next day. Then it was missing. My husband and I searched everywhere for it. I had no idea that she took it and knowing how hurt my husband would be, I haven't told him either, yet. I'm angry that she would do this and also perhaps a bit angry at myself for not confronting her about it at the time. Can't even trust her to use the bathroom without stealing. That's pathetic.
| 3 | 3 | |
1408537418 | 1408611086 | t3_2e2q4i | t5_2to41 | 72 | LuukVideo: TIFU by fixing a dryer, accidentally turning it into a oven and almost burning my house down
I live with my parrents and 3 brothers and 2 sisters (So total of 8) My mom does almost all the laundry and she really depends on her dryer and washing machine so you can imagine me willing to help in any way possible when she told me it broke down.
Yesterday my moms dryer broke down. Me knowing some stuff about electronics decided to fix this issue. this dryer has had issues before and I fixed it by re soldering a broken contact point on the circuit board, This is a fairly old dryer and the endless shaking might have been the suspect. So thinking I allready know the solution to the problem, I remove the side panel of this bad boy and go to work. Sure enough the circuit board had a small crack right on this part. This time the track ( I dont know the name) was beyond repair so I soldered a wire to this contact point and soldered this to a working point on the same track.
Succes it worked again!
A few hours later I noticed the dryer would not get warm anymore. So I remove the cover once again to find the issue. I got my multimeter and measured the resistors near the heat element. One of them was broken thinking I have found the issue I decided to fix it.
Now this is where I fuck up.
I somehow in my broken mind thought that is was a smart idea to remove the resistor all together by soldering a wire inbetween the points (I know I am a retard but I was tired and did not have a replacement part) I tested the dryer and success! it worked. Proud of my fix I go upstairs to browse reddit. I somehow fall asleep and wake up to the smell of melting plastic and rubber. So I run downstairs to find the room filled with smoke and the dryer melting itself. I quickly turn it off and proceed to inspect the damage. I open the dryer door and a wave of air hotter than a thousand suns and the smell of plastic hits me in the face. the dryer is beyond repair and the back panel has fully melted away. Also my 4 year old sister was sleeping in the room next to the dryer.
But the clothes are dry...
TL;DR: Fixed a dryer by removing a resistor from the circuit, Turned dryer into super oven, Almost burned house down and killed my four year old sister
[deleted]: I think the biggest fuck up is doing your own electrical work. It's basically common sense 101, don't do your own electrical work, there are professionals for a reason, ya big goof.
-TheDarkAngel-: In Dumb Ways To Die, they say don't do your own electrical work.
totallynotapornacout: Watching Dumb Ways to Die is the best way to extend your life span.
| 4 | 18 | |
1408539431 | 1408585319 | t3_2e2skp | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by waiting 22 years to take Spanish 003
klkevinkl: You can talk to your manager and see if you can come to an agreement about working different hours while you take a Spanish class.
As for Spanish, review. Make sure you at least know your present, past, and imperfect tenses. Build up some vocabulary so that you can get started. There are some videos that teach you online.
[deleted]: Thank-you for the quick reply.
My manager has given me the time off to take the classes, so that part is covered. My biggest concern is the passing grade. I have NEVER tried to simply "pass" but in this case I fear that's the best I can do.
My vocabulary is limited, so I'd love to have additional resources that I can use to help me throughout the semester. I thought about purchasing subscriptions to Babylon or other professional translation services to help me write papers, but I have no idea how effective they are.
If you happen to know of a video/link that you feel is adequate, I'd love to see it so that I can start today. :-)
Thanks!
klkevinkl: Avoid using translation services for anything more than one word. Many teacher/professor usually hate them with a passion. When it comes to writing, stick to short and simple sentences. It's only Spanish 3.
| 4 | 1 | |
1408540143 | 1408540821 | t3_2e2tif | t5_2to41 | 4 | idamnedit: [TIFU] by not putting my shoes on.
So I am on vacation in a tropical location. It is day 2 of our 7 day stay. I was out at the pool and we decided to head back to the room to clean up before we went out for dinner. I was being lazy and decided to not put my shoes on for the walk. I get back to the room and lay down for a bit. When I sit up I notice that there is what looks like salsa stains on the sheets. The bottom of my feet are wet too. Upon closer inspection I realized that I had huge blisters on my feet that popped.
I have neuropathy in my feet feom some type of nerve damage in my back. I am not really sure. But do to that I have lited to no sensation in my feet. I think the tiles walking back were like a skillet but I didnt feel it.
So now I am sitting around constantly bandaging up my feet. Unable to swim or really walk on the beach. They are healing up rather quickly so I should be in better shape before my week is up.
PyroPie: Put your feet in huge plastic bags
idamnedit: I dont need to swim that bad. llus I have done the whole bag over appendage thing and it just doesnt work like you would hope.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408540101 | 1409177127 | t3_2e2tg3 | t5_2to41 | 6 | xSeisokux: TIFU by having bipolar depression.
A little back story.
I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since I was 17 and have been dealing with it for about 4 years now. Since I refuse to let this disorder influence how I live my life, I've taken all the necessary steps to help keep it under control: Therapy on Mondays, group counseling on Thursdays, and choking down my meds to help keep me stable.
Anyway. A few months ago, I managed to get myself a new job working retail. It's nothing special, but I needed something that'd help get me out of the house. It also helps pay the bills and all that adult stuff.
I like it. My co-workers are nice and it's a pretty laid back job. Some of the customers can be a pain in the ass, but it's nothing I haven't dealt with before.
I haven't told anyone about my condition, yet, because I'm worried that I'd get treated differently. That's the one thing I don't want. But it always seems like when you drop the "I have bipolar disorder" bomb, people treat you like you're a fragile little porcelain figurine, just waiting to break. So to them, I'm just an air-headed, silly guy, who always seems to be in a daze. (Thanks to my medication)
Things have been going fine, so far. I've gotten in trouble for missing a day without calling out, but that was because I had a family emergency and calling out was the last thing on my mind. I told myself I wouldn't miss anymore days, and I haven't, until lately.
See. The thing about my medication, is that sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. And when it doesn't, then life decides to flip a coin and see if I'm going to have a manic episode, or an episode of depression.
Usually I'm lucky and I get an episode of mania. Lucky may seem like an odd way to put it, but honestly, I love being manic. I have so much energy and I get ten times more creative than usual. It's great. Sure, I sometimes do stupid things that I end up slightly regretting later on, but it's better than being depressed.
The only downside to manic episodes, is that it gives me extreme insomnia. Every time I attempt to sleep, I get too fidgety and decide it's better to stay up. Hell, I even fought against the effects of prescription sleeping pills once. The only thing that stops me from going on, is when I finally crash days later.
It's about this time that I mellow out, but, like I said before... Sometimes my meds don't work.
I became depressed this week. For those of you who know what an episode of depression feels like, you know how hard it is to get out of bed. For those of you who don't know what it feels like... Imagine all of your fears, worries, anxieties, guilt, etc. as separate physical representations of yourself. Multiplied by one hundred. Then piled on top of you one after the other.
Your emotions are everywhere, yet you don't know why. You're suffering from extreme physical pain, with no real reason to be. You lose interest in everything and everyone. Doing anything, other than lying in bed seems impossible. And all you want to do is be left alone.
That's how I've been feeling for about 3 days straight.
I didn't have to work for one of those three days, but I've now missed 2 days of work, in a row, without calling out or anything. Mostly because I couldn't push myself to get to the phone and call out, partially because I didn't know what to say.
I've managed to mellow out, though. Which is a good thing. But when I checked my phone for messages, one of my voicemails was from my boss who threatened me with termination, if I don't show up to explain myself the next time I have to work. That's tomorrow.
I'm not sure what I should say, or if I should even go back. I'm scared, because I really like this job, but I'm probably going to end up getting fired, because of my stupid illness. I don't want to go back to having no job and basically living off of unemployment. I want to be able to take care of myself, but that's starting to seem impossible.
**TL;DR:** I missed a few days of work without calling out, because I was suffering from a bad episode of bipolar depression. I wasn't able to call out and now I've been threatened with termination, if I don't come in to explain myself the next time I work. (Tomorrow)
RegularWhiteShark: Hey, OP. I'm 21 and suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, so I kinda know what you're going through. If you ever wanna chat, just pop me a message.
Punkalone: I also suffer from this but I have been having too much difficulty with it lately :(
RegularWhiteShark: Is there anyone you can talk to? Get help or it'll get worse. Lame as it sounds, don't suffer in silence.
Message me if you need to, but I'll reply tomorrow when I'm on my laptop (on my phone now).
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408540903 | 1408547595 | t3_2e2uj7 | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting scammed on steam
This happened literally minutes ago and i feel like crap. So a little background.
So yesterday my friend randomly got a knife from cs go after buying a single key and opening a crate. The knife costed about 60-70 eur. He's been trying to trade it since then.
Today he said he found a buyer and said that the buyer had asked him to trade it to a friend so he can verify it's not a scam. So my friend asked me to trade it to me. You probably already know what happened. After my friend traded the knife to me, the scammer added us to a group chat and told me to trade the knife back to my friend, after which he changed his name to my friend's and requested a trade with me. Steam warned me that the person i was trying to trade with had been flagged as a scammer, but because my friend had been trying to trade the knife for a while I thought that he was flagged by some stupid cunt. This makes my fuck up even worse. And because of the stupid fucking idiot i am, i foolishly traded him the knife. After which he just went offline and disappeared.
So now my friend wants me to pay him back, which probably seems fair. But on the other hand I am not sure it is. Because it is not like he pulled out the money from his pocket and payed for the knife like he wants me to do now. All he did was pay 2 eur for a key and open a crate and just got lucky. I am not sure what to do now. I told my friend to file a ticket to steam support. I am going to do the same.
I really need some help here reddit. Do you think I should pay him back fully or partially or maybe even just get him a new key? 60 eur is a lot of money, but I am willing to give them. I hope this doesnt get buried under all the posts, but I know it probably will.
Oh and this is the id of the scammer:
https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561198137775320
**Update**: Steam auto response
If you have been scammed, Steam Support will NOT restore any items/gifts that have been traded. It is your responsibility to ensure you are receiving the correct items/gifts at the time of accepting the trade.
I think I am pretty fucked
**Update 2**: I just got the obvious response from steam saying that they wont do anything. I think I am just going to be honest with the guy and tell him I can buy him the same crate and key. It might be an asshole move but I don't think its fair to pay him back with real money which I worked for for an item that he just got lucky with and won. Another reason not to "compensate"(as he called it) is that I have nothing to "compensate" for. I didn't steal the item. It got stolen from me. I appreciate everyone's opinion and just want to say that you really helped me think clearly about the situation. I am probably gonna lose the guy as a friend but then again if that happens he probably wasn't a real friend.
He is offline right now so I still have time until tomorrow to think about it, but I have pretty much made up my mind. I will update again when I tell him.
**Going to bed now. Will respond when I wake up**
EpicRaptor: If someone in a group chat has the same name as someone else, it places a (1) infront of their name
For example, if someone had the name John and someone else changed their name to John, the person who changed their name would appear as John(1), sorry man, but this is all on you.
cthrowawayftw: I am pretty sure he didn't have that name in the group chat.
EpicRaptor: It was an example.
cthrowawayftw: By "that name" I mean my friend's name. He renamed after typing or something.
EpicRaptor: Oh, if thats the case there really wasn't anything you could do. This is mostly your friends fault.
cthrowawayftw: Well actually my friend had a picture which the scammer didnt have. I could've seen this... Damage is done now though
EpicRaptor: Don't beat yourself up, we all make mistakes :) just wondering though, what knife was it?
cthrowawayftw: I think it was this one. http://csgostash.com/skins.php?name=Huntsman+Knife+Scorched&id=381
EpicRaptor: Ouch. :S
| 10 | 3.3 | |
1408542081 | 1408577585 | t3_2e2w7t | t5_2to41 | 128 | unclemab: TIFU by learning that when you sign in to Google Chrome, your browsing history is synced by default
I recently re-organised my bookmarks in Google Chrome and decided to start using my Google account to synchronize these across the 3 different laptops and PC that I use. I had never bothered to sign in before and, as of 3 PM today, I wished I never did.
So one of the laptops I use is, you guessed it, my work laptop and today I had an important meeting at a prospective client where I was going to demonstrate one of our software solutions - a browser based application. So I open up Google Chrome, move the cursor to the address bar, and type the first letter of the URL that I was navigating to... an 'X'. Without looking, I tab to the first link in my history, which is normally exactly what I am looking for since it is the only website I would access on this laptop that starts with an X.
Now, fellow redditors, I am sure many of you are familiar with the bounty of other websites available to us that conveniently start with an X - and I am sure you are also aware of the nature of most of these websites. Not exactly the kind one wants to demonstrate to a prospective client. I am a disciplined fellow, of course, and unlike some other TIFU's I do not feel the need to peruse these websites at work, or on my work laptop at all. At home, however, all bets are off.
Which is why, in front of a 20 man, director level audience, I found out that Google Chrome synchronizes your browser history as xhamster.com was proudly projected on the screen.
tl;dr - set out to demonstrate CRM software to a client, demonstrated advanced fellatio techniques instead
UPDATE by popular demand: what happened next is what I like to call 'bropprehension' or 'brocknowledgement'. It is what happens when, by an awkward twist of fate, a misfortune befalls a bro in a room full of other bro's, each realizing that they themselves could be the subject of this misfortune at any time, and therefore understanding of the other bro and his TIFU.
There were some giggles and a slow 'uhhhhhh....' but all men in that room were familiar with the website on display. All men made a mental note that day - double check your history before doing a presentation. All men knew.
I closed my browser and restarted my presentation with sweaty palms and a face like a beet, but I think there was no harm done. Time will tell.
imatmydesk: That's why you always use incognito mode.
parox91: no, this is why you use sandboxie.
who uses chrome to browse porn anyways?
firefox = sandboxie + porn (also cracks, keygens with tor if needed).
IE 11+ / chrome = dev+research+banking+work
mq999: Having 2 web browsers active would probably kill my computer.
parox91: I have an i7 haswell @ 4ghz with 24gb of ram running @ 2400mhz :)
mq999: /#2GBRAMLyfe
parox91: ouch, i wouldn't use anything else besides chrome then lol.
also if ur on win7 u may want to try win8 since it has less ram requirements. Your pc will run faster - though I would suggest you try to find away to avoid paying for win8 through such means as dreamspark.com if you're a student otherwise, just buy a new PC if you want more horse power
| 7 | 18.285714 | |
1408543204 | 1408982495 | t3_2e2xw6 | t5_2to41 | 955 | sparkling_gem: TIFU by listening to my audiobook in the car with my windows down...
This happened this morning. I drive about an hour and a half each way to work everyday, and I have been known to succumb to road rage. I started listening to audiobooks, and they have 100% helped me to not care about the dick who cut me off, or the accident that has me left in 'park' for the last 20 minutes.
Anyways - after seeing the trailer for the movie "50 Shades of Grey", I decided that I should download and listen to that before I go see the movie. I am halfway through it, and it is getting very steamy and detailed. My sex life has increasingly flourished before dinnertime. But this is besides the point.
So this morning, I had my windows down while having a smoke. My book is at one of the steamy hardcore bondage points. I come up to a red light, stop my car, and just sit there listening with a goofy grin on my face. The narrator continues telling the story, and I believe that it was at the point where she reads "He slides his fingers deep inside me, twirling them around as his tongue goes crazy on my clitoris, and there is nothing I can do about it".
I hear an "Oh. My. God" to my left. I look over, not really thinking anything of it, and MY CO-WORKER is sitting in his car with his windows open. Staring at me. Wide eyed, mouth open, and just staring. I am staring right back at him. I didn't know what to do. I am too shocked to even turn down the volume - as I was reminded of when my narrator breaks out into heavy panting and moaning.
I smash my dashboard, turning the radio completely off. Light turns green, co-worker screeches through the lights. I slink through. I didn't turn the book back on.
Once I had about 3 more smokes, I made my way into the office building. When I entered our shared office, he continued to just stare at me. I explained that it was the "50 Shades" book and that I am not some sort of sick pervert who listens to porn in her car. He laughed, and told me that *John* got a kick out of the story when he told him.
MY CO-WORKER IS TELLING PEOPLE AT WORK ABOUT THIS.
People keep coming up to me asking if I've read any good books lately. With stupid looks on their faces.
I think I need to find a new job.
Sheltopusik: > I am not some sort of sick pervert who listens to porn in her car.
Having read excerpts from 50 Shades of Grey, I can tell you that there are many parts that far surpass Hustler's "Beaver Hunt" stories.
sparkling_gem: I did not know the severity of the graphic descriptions until I started reading it. And by then it was far too late. Rest assured, I will not be listening the the next 2 books in the series in my car
aixenprovence: I know someone who really enjoyed them. You should regret nothing. People who think there is something shameful about having an interest in sex are crazy.
That's not to say it makes no sense be embarassed; it makes sense to be choosy about the people with whom you share different parts of your life. I'm just saying it's farcical for anyone to act like *you're* the weirdo.
Your coworker is a little kid in a grown-up's body.
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: sex, and exploring it aren't shameful.
doing it in public though is generally frowned upon.
guys don't just pull out their phones and watch porn at stoplights.
aixenprovence: That's true. I had the impression that he was being a jerk because she was reading/listening to a book involving sex, but it's true that if he had said "Madame, roll up your window!" that would have made sense.
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: no, he is justified to be just as disgusted as a woman who happens upon a guy watching porn. because you and I both no that would be followed by an "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW UGH OH MY GOD STEPHANIE CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY IS JUST BLATANTLY WATCHING PORN!?!?!?!?"
aixenprovence: Well, if the woman in question then told everyone about it at work, I would think she was an awful person.
Also, it really isn't like blatantly watching porn. Hearing some narrator on the car stereo describing penetration just isn't the same thing as a big video close up of penetration. If you knew a little kid was going to be exposed to one of those (someone put a gun to your head, whatever), which would you pick? Obviously the verbal one. No question in your mind. It's similar, in that it implies the person watching/listening has an interest in sex, but it is not at all the same.
> "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW UGH OH MY GOD STEPHANIE CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY IS JUST BLATANTLY WATCHING PORN!?!?!?!?"
I get the sense you are thinking about some specific people or a specific incident.
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: to be honest, whats the age of the kid? plenty of kids won't even know what they're seeing, and it wouldn't affect em at all.
you're full of assumptions about my actions that are really offputting.
aixenprovence: > you're full of assumptions about my actions that are really offputting.
I'm sorry; I don't mean to be offputting.
> plenty of kids won't even know what they're seeing, and it wouldn't affect em at all.
Inappropriate is different than harmful. Just because something won't warp the kid's mind, doesn't mean it's appropriate to show it to them.
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: didn't say it was appropriate, but it'd be better then teaching a bunch of new words like erect penis, throbbing vulva, and penetration. no?
the last thing you need is a 4 year old running around yelling penetration, thats an easy way to get CPS called on you.
*cough*, *hack* *Cough*.... oh what do you know, its those words you shoved in my mouth. (can you quote where I said it would be appropriate? I didn't, this is *your* made up hypothetical situation where you're forcing a child to see or hear one of these things... not me)
aixenprovence: > but it'd be better then teaching a bunch of new words like erect penis, throbbing vulva, and penetration. no?
No, not at all. I would definitely rather my kid hear sex described than see a closeup of penetration. I'm honestly surprised to read you saying the opposite.
> its those words you shoved in my mouth. (can you quote where I said it would be appropriate?
I didn't say you said it was appropriate. The quote was that it "wouldn't affect em" to see porn, and I said that being harmful wasn't sufficient; it was still inappropriate, despite the fact that it wasn't harmful.
> I didn't, this is your made up hypothetical situation where you're forcing a child to see or hear one of these things
Yes, exactly. That is the hypothetical situation I made up, in the course of discussing your hypothetical situation where a kid looks at porn:
> plenty of kids won't even know what they're seeing
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: and they won't...
do you have brain damage?
aixenprovence: > and they won't...
I'm not sure how that is relevant. I had thought we were talking about the following question: Is showing kids porn worse than reading them descriptions of sex?
Obviously the average kid won't undrestand a lot of either one, and a person shouldn't do either of those things, but it's still a yes/no question.
> do you have brain damage?
I assume that you say this sort of thing because it makes you feel better about yourself.
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: no that was your made up hypothetical... I never cared to be a part of the conversation and I don't really feel like it now. (for the record, no it isn't)
They won't understand either one but they can't shout a picture at people and you don't really want a bunch of kids shouting "dildos and pussy" because they learned those words and don't know what they mean.
| 15 | 63.666667 | |
1408543798 | 1408575800 | t3_2e2yuc | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU sending 150 dick pics to my SO
This fuck up happened over the course of 6 months. Me and my SO have an explosive relationship that involves us being apart from eachother for long times. Being in a long distance relationship (LDR) doesn't mean we don't love eachother less. In fact, we love eachother more because of it since the trust level between us is unbreakable.
Anyway since we are apart this means we stimulate eachother in ways that aren't physical, this usually involves in sending text messages, skyping with eachother and lots and lots of nude pictures between us two. Skype and Snapchat (ahem.. Snapsave) are pretty much a godsend for us. Since we both use Snapsave, this resulted in us both having a huge gallery of our bodies in full glory.
We had about 150 to 200 pictures of eachother safely stored away in the ''vault'', it's an app we both use the save pictures in a gallery behind a password.
On one faithful day, my SO's mother decided she had to use my SO's phone. The same phone where she had the gigantic album of me almost always fully naked. Not a problem, right? They are all safe in the vault anyway! Nope. My SO uses the same (complicated) password for pretty much all her stuff and her phone is password protected too... with the same password she uses for EVERYTHING.
I didn't know what my SO's mother's plan was, but she went into my SO's photo gallery, into the vault, used the password and saw it all. Pictures of my erect penis from every angle imagineable, small videos of me stripping, dropping my towel when I was done showering... you name it, I did it.
So it was Saturday morning and I woke up from a text that was sent by my SO. ''babe...'', it said. After that, there was a crying emoticon. At this point I could already tell things were not going to go well. ''my mom saw the pictures''. Pictures could mean everything, her mother has seen a lot of pictures of me already. Normal pictures of course, so once I read that sentence I knew exactly what she meant.
''Oh god, oh god, no no no nonononononono''. That's the only thing I could think of at that moment. I thought everything would be over at that point.
The following days have been pretty awkward, I sent her family a letter of apology. I couldn't look her mother straight in the eyes for a whole month and she pretty much ignored me. Luckily her father took it more lightly.
Anyway, last week her mother finally decided to forgive me. Thankfully she always took a liking to me even though I'm pretty much the opposite of what she had in mind for her daughter.
Even though I FUCKED UP big time, it all worked out in the end. I just hope that whenever we get married and show a crappy slideshow for both the families of our adventures together, this ordeal won't bite me back in the ass.
Barology: It sounds like your SO's mother was at fault. Why was she snooping in a password protected gallery?
x87823199x: This seems more of a "today I was fucked over" than tifu
iamthejed: r/tiwfo ?
[deleted]: /r/tiwfo
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1408546164 | 1408546890 | t3_2e32sr | t5_2to41 | 9 | ddomin: TIFU by doing the laundry on vacation
This is actually happening right now.
My fiancé and I are on vacation in a log cabin. We needed to do one last wash of clothes to last us the trip.
A few days ago we broke a kerosene lamp and used a towel to sop it up and chucked it in the laundry bag.
Fast forward to today. I'm doing laundry at the laundromat and the first load reaks of kerosene. Weird I thought. I dumped it in the dryer and started the next load.
I go on google to see what the deal was and lo and behold I basically ruined all my clothes in a nice kerosene wash and might have ruined the appliances at the laundromat.
I'm going to make my way to Wally World for some new threads.
TL;DR: don't wash shit with kerosene on it.
tyes77: I think the lesson is don't dry shit with kerosene in it. You're lucky it didn't ignite and set the place on fire.
ddomin: Well since I suspected something might be amiss I set the dryer for a low temp and time frame.
But yeah, I'm a fucking moron.
| 3 | 3 | |
1408547340 | 1408574766 | t3_2e34va | t5_2to41 | 30 | thoraway1239: TIFU by sleeping with a super hot chick (NSFW?)
TL;DR: the girl of my dreams turned out to be my sexual nemesis.
So I work in a tech park with multiple companies sharing one huge building. One day I happened to get into the elevator with this dreamy chick. Oh man, beautiful face, hourglass figure, curves where it counts and slim elsewhere. Worst of all she smiles at me and starts casually flirting; whoah, something like this never happens to me.
This random flirt was enough to make my day but as it happens, I run into her again a few days later. One thing leads into another and we go on a date. I find out she is smart and likes many things I like, we have an amazing conversation and when she kisses me I get a huge boner like I was still 15 (I'm over 30).
Second date and there is huge sexual tension in the air, clearly mutual. We start foreplay under the table in the restaurant. When we get at her place we start ripping each others clothes off. Oh good god of tits and wine, she is wearing lingerie including a garter belt (my fetish pretty much), how can this girl be real? At this point I'm sporting an erection big enough to be mistaken for an ICBM launch from orbit and thus accidentally start WW3.
It started going downhill from there. Prepare mentally to bash me for being a superficial creep.
So her bra comes off and her chest is... completely different from what it seemed with clothes on, even with just the bra on. They are hanging like udders although she is 25. That is always the risk with larger boobs, but still.. My ICBM droops a little, becoming just a [Big Bertha.] (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/10/42_cm_Gamma_M%C3%B6rser_AWM_A02560.jpeg/250px-42_cm_Gamma_M%C3%B6rser_AWM_A02560.jpeg) Well, there other good things going for her, right? I like asses too!
Off come the panties (leaving the garter belt on - that's my kind of girl, wearing them so they can be taken off without removing the garter belt, always leave that on for daddy!). First I notice the tattoo, she has a tramp stamp saying "Only G-d can judge me!" in a stupid cursive font. Major cringe and the artillery crew abandon position. Worse, it turns out she... has a bad bathroom hygiene. There is a slight smell and worse, visual evidence around her butt.
Oh sweet holy Tyrion of tits and wine, I pray, grant me the fortitude to go on, this girl is so beautiful otherwise. So I turn her around and try to save Big Bertha from turning into a BB-gun by kissing her inner thighs. I get a good look up close at her national treasure. She is... very droopy. Her inner gates are hanging like fluttering curtains. Between them is peeking the head of a relatively small penis. Not a real penis of course, just her clit, but it is bigger than some flaccid cocks I've seen on men. Well, I can still please her, pleasing women turns me on, maybe if I just lick here eyes closed and... She gives out shrill shrieks like a Stuka diving in to bomb Polish positions.
At this point my artillery position has been abandoned and the battery is in full retreat, trying to shrink inside my body. I just can't do this. I'm nearing panic - I can't just leave either, because I'm just being superficial and she is a really nice girl. So I lie I don't have condoms and I can't use hers due to allergy, then end up pleasing her other ways. I escape receiving oral sex by telling I want to save ammo for the next time winky wink, since I know I can't get it up anymore.
So yeah, now I have to find a way to end dating her before it becomes a real relationship without seeming like a jerk or breaking her heart. I certainly can't tell her that she is a total turn off to me and I just can't have sex with her, ever. Call me superficial, but I think regular sex is part of a healthy relationship. I couldn't be with someone I couldn't have sex with. I hope I can come up with a way to escape this pit while not hurting her emotions and preferably staying friends, since she is an awesome person. However, if nothing else works, I guess I'll lie I'm already married or something, so she can walk off thinking I was an idiot and there was nothing wrong with her.
im_probably_drinking: So besides the hygiene.... she's normal and you're shallow?
DeadPrez1: How is physical attraction not an integral part of a healthy relationship?
im_probably_drinking: Mental attraction is pretty important.
DeadPrez1: 100%, but you are saying that one outweighs the other which is subject to personal opinion. They are both obviously important. It doesn't make someone shallow because they'd prefer their SO to look good.
im_probably_drinking: But being upset about her boobs? Anyone with big boobs is not going to keep them perky forever. Unless you want fake boobs, then I guess that's your deal. And she can't control how her clit looked. It just seems shallow to judge those two things. I understand judging the hygiene. The tattoo not so much because for all we know she got it when she was 18 and we've all made mistakes we can't undo.
PIRATEghost85: Well it sucks that the boobs werent as advertised, I think his turn off came from the shit stains on her ass cheeks and the smell...
I ended up breaking off an engagement because I was never super attracted to her and couldnt ever get a good hard on. She is smart, beautiful and funny and I did love her, just wasnt sexually attracted. I completely understand.
| 7 | 4.285714 | |
1408547437 | 1408561181 | t3_2e350y | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by waiting too long to get gas in the car.
TIFU by going not getting gas when my gas light came on. I was .2 miles from the gas station when the car ran out of gas. Apparently when you run out of gas, the brakes lock up and don't work anymore. This led to extreme panic as I was driving down a small hill, approaching a red light. I steered off the road and up the curb, where I then finally thought to pull the emergency brake. I ran to the gas station, where they didn't sell gas cans, sprinted half a mile up to the home depot bought one, sprinted back to the gas station, and then to my car...where I couldn't get the safety nozzle in "open mode" so I poured the gas into a waterbottle and then into the car. I still smell like gas almost 24 hours later.
wood-house: just so you know, your brakes don't lock up when your car stalls. they rely on vacuum created when the engine is running to provide assistance braking. all you have to do is push the pedal down harder
agentbarron: Even then if your car is moving (mine at least, I drive manual its probably different do automatic) you will continue to have vacuum
wood-house: that would only be on manuals, not automatics because on a manual the engine/trans are connected physically so the wheels will turn the engine but in an auto the transmission uses a fluid coupling and won't turn the engine over.
| 4 | 1 | |
1408548181 | 1408589675 | t3_2e36bw | t5_2to41 | 72 | inappropriate_lafter: TIFU by accidently cheering about the recent ISIS beheading of the US journalist
Well this was yesterday but it still makes me cringe. My boss had flipped his screen around towards some of my coworkers with an audible "oh no". My coworkers are quicker to act than I am and get to his screen first therefore blocking the view before I could look up. They begin to chant "oh no" every couple seconds amongst themselves. Finally after about a minute curiosity got the best of me and I couldn't ignore them any more. So I walked on over to the desk they were huddled around and yelled "OH YEA" as if I were the god damn Kool-aid guy. I have no fucking idea why I didn't it but for some reason I thought it would be funny. The second after i said that I saw the headline about the beheading of an American journalist and slowly met everyone's eyes in horrific realization. The entire follow up conversation between all my coworkers was filled with dirty looks in my direction as I tried to slowly sink back into my chair....
Twinstarrider: T-Your Boss-FU by playing that video period. And in the office? Oh YEAHHHHHHHH A hole
inappropriate_lafter: To be fair he was just looking at the article and did not click on the video.
muxtaiter: I generally don't mind gore. I've seen cows and sheep get slaughtered in front of me so I thought this would be okay...I played the video earlier today. God....cows generally get slaughtered in one swift motion but this video didn't do that....and the sound the journalist was making....I know this all may sound like I am making a joke out of it but I really am not. I think that clip scarred me for life. It is 4 am and I still can't get any sleep because I keep seeing the video in my head and the sound he made is still playing in my ears..
Litagano: Damn, that's fucked up. Definitely not gonna let curiosity get the better of me.
Those ISIS guys are sick.
| 5 | 14.4 | |
1408548462 | 1408607913 | t3_2e36tx | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting my husband nudes...
Today I fucked up by sending my husband nudes from this morning when I cleaned our pool. I sent him a bunch over and over and he responded 20 minutes later saying he was outside his office when I sent them, but three of his employees were sitting around a small table where his phone was waiting for him to start the meeting.
So: I accidentally showed every angle of my nude body including pictures of my face to some of my husband's employees. And I'm supposed to stop by his office Friday.
kenaireb: I'm afraid I'm going to need to see these pictures, to get the full flavor of how embarrassed you *should* be.
[deleted]: For science, right?
tyes77: Of Course. I'm a scientist too and I would need said those pictures as well.
[deleted]: :D you're on reddit. No shortage!
Maradur: How not to second that ?
[deleted]: :D
noode-: http://i.imgur.com/9FRdrAR.jpg all the science you need!
| 8 | 3.75 | |
1408548781 | 1408601263 | t3_2e37fp | t5_2to41 | 193 | Apollo_O: TIFU by forgetting the smallest word in the English language.
I've been casually dating a girl for a little over month. We live in different cities, and are busy with work, friends, family, etc, so we only get to see eachother on the weekends. Naturally, we text quite a bit. She sends me a text:
"What would you call us? Long distance friends with benefits?" Admittedly, I freeze at this question. What is she expecting me to answer here? I thought it was more than that. Maybe that's what she was looking for. But I'd be fine with FWB if that's all she wanted. This is what I thought I texted:
"I thought ***a*** little more than just that."
What I actually sent was:
"I thought little more than just that."
One little word, completely changing what I meant. In fact, the exact opposite. I realized later on that I missed it, and I let her know that it was a typo, apologizing for the mistake. That was a week ago. She hasn't called or texted since. TIFU.
Shizzap: Im not from an english native speaking country and I dont get it, can someone explain?
Ouul: By saying "Little more than that" as opposed to "A little more than that," you imply that it is nothing more, instead of being more. Does that help?
ridhs84: I am a non-native english speaker too but I thought I was good at english. I never knew "Little more than that" == "nothing more"
It just blows my mind, how do I not know this? Is is a part of standard english or just being used in daily life?
AbsoluteOs: If it is used in "daily life" it is part of standard English. And yes, it is a very common phrase.
ridhs84: I meant to distinguish it like orford dictionary vs urban dictionary
| 6 | 32.166667 | |
1408550776 | 1415512547 | t3_2e3b1w | t5_2to41 | 3 | abhug: tifu by confusing 5 o'clock with 4 o'clock
cheeseflap: I'm sorry, but this is the dullest TIFU I've ever read.
abhug: no i'm sorry. i know its boring. just got carried away as it was my 1st time.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408548115 | 1408553811 | t3_2e3677 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my face while walking on a sidewalk
On Saturday (so not technically today) I was walking on the sidewalk and tripped over a ledge that was ~5 inches off the ground. I was not expecting that height difference. It was late at night and I didn't see it. So at this point, my face was gushing blood, my knees were bloody and full of pus. Oh, and my front teeth were all broken. My wrists were surprisingly not hurt. So we called a cab to the hospital. Had X-rays done on my knees because the medical personnel at the hospital insisted, even though I could still limp back and forth across the room.
Anyway I am in recovery now, fairly healthy except I can't and won't be eating solid foods for a long time...my knees hurt something fierce, but no broken bones. I am not looking forward to my bills because, being a broke-ass college student I didn't have insurance - health or dental- so here's to another 5+ years of debt, yay!
All because I decided to take a walk late at night.
WirtyDords: I hope you learned your lesson. Stay inside.
almostExMo: Don't walk
| 3 | 2 | |
1408553323 | 1413394807 | t3_2e3fr3 | t5_2to41 | 983 | oselth: TIFU by trying my first edible while working from home. My boss called me. (Ex-post from r/trees)
Be me
I went home early in the day in order to work from home for the rest of the day. My roommate had just gotten back from Seattle, and he got a hold of a ton of edibles. Lots of 10mg and 25mg ones. Today was stressful, a low dose of some muscle relaxant sounds nice, I'll pop in a 25mg one. My smoking tolerance is good, I'll be straight.
An hour goes by, feeling fine. Another 30 minutes roll in, and my whole body is dead – I am the walrus.
*RING RING RING*
It's my boss, Fuck me
*Panic*
"Hello?"
"Hey [My name], can you go digging for some data I need ASAP?"
"Look starting looking in to.
Let you I'll know"
*HANG UP*
Fuck, I sounded super high.
The past three hours has been me completing a 30 minute task. Luckily the whole "This a spread sheet with 1 million rows, my laptop can't handle it well," worked as a good scapegoat. And after 3 hours on this task, I am normal enough to talk.
In the end, I got the data and analyzed it like a high-guy pro. Boss seemed happy.
**tl;dr Got high, boss called, I replied like a down syndrome Yoda.**
Duncan006: That tl;dr is going down in the history books.
**Got high, boss called, I replied like a down syndrome Yoda.**
I laughed way too hard.
oselth: Now that I'm normal again, all of this is funny.
At the time, nope. I began trying to reason with my spreadsheet's columns. I figured excel had a sympathy API.
parox91: corporate and sympathy don't mix.
source: I write the code to generate the excel files -_-
dgutty: I build massive sheets to automate analysis with vba. Let's all be friends.
depricatedzero: I wrote an Access database heavily laden with VBA to act as a CMDB for my team and automate reporting and data collection from the company's mainframe. Later I ported it to C# and MSSQL.
Now I'm a .NET Developer.
We should all go have coffee and play Battletoads.
parox91: I did 3 months at a VBA position, they told me I would be using C# more and VB to support old applications. The 3 months was a temp to full time contract. I'm nasty at C# (i used XNA when it was cool and I made a 3D FPS on wp7 for my university thesis) so I said sure, why not.
I declined to stay after 3 months after going through lines upon lines of code which they didn't even bother writing loops for - they just cut and pasted. I never got to do any C#.
I <3 C# and I'm currently a SharePoint developer; I've yet to write any C# and I mostly do JavaScript lol. Corporate requires code reviews of all server-side code and they outsource it to a 3rd party... most retarded shit I've ever heard.
PM_ME_REAL_BOOBS: > Corporate requires code reviews of all server-side code and they outsource it to a 3rd party... most retarded shit I've ever heard
You are young. You do code reviews to ensure the code you are putting in production doesn't break. While it's a short downtime and simple for you to fix, it causes tons of lost productivity as a user can't access something, calls the helpdesk, a technician has to look into it and contact a sys admin, a sys admin says yup its down and opens a ticket for your team to fix. All of that costs man hours and is lost work (original user says 'ugh app is down AGAIN now i have to sit on the phone with help desk for an hour while they fix it' -- user doesn't work for an hour etc.) now your team has 'negative marks' on the latest release. All of that lost productivity team is translated into less of a bonus to you and your team. suck it up, do code reviews.
A 3rd party is a brand new eyes looking at code. New eyes can spot errors easier than your tired eyes looking at the same code all day.
Source: I am a release engineer
parox91: i'm not advocating that I review my own code (that's dumb) - I'm just saying why the hell would they out-source it to India?
I'm mostly Indian and I think that's ludicrous, at least have an in-house team do it...
Bobby_Foreskin: this was some of the gayest shit i've read all day. thanks guys.
| 10 | 98.3 | |
1408554087 | 1408559772 | t3_2e3h8a | t5_2to41 | 113 | Sometimes_Im_Funny: TIFU by deleting the only browser on my computer
This happened about an hour ago. I use Google chrome on Windows 7
So I was trying to download ad block because I was getting really pissed off with all the pop ups and stuff, but it said network failed. So I searched it up and someone said to uninstall and re install the updated version. So I just finished uninstalling and that's when it hit me: *I don't have another browser to download the updated version with*. So I thought "no biggie, I'll just restore it to how it was before I uninstalled it. So I did that, but chrome wouldn't open. So here I am, sitting here on my tablet, trying to learn how to use cmd to download Firefox.
TL;DR make sure you have 2 different browsers
Edit: Thank you all for your help!! I managed to download IE and then I downloaded chrome, so it is all good now!
the_manateet: Did you delete Internet Explorer too?
Sometimes_Im_Funny: I deleted that the day I got my computer :P
cheeseflap: Put it back on, update it to IE11, discover just how much faster than Chrome it is. OK, downvote me, misinformed people!
GenitalFurbies: It is faster in some cases, but chrome is still faster in others while packing a crap ton more features that are genuinely useful.
agentbarron: Actually its the exact same speed they use the same engine now, and also internet ie 11 is so much faster
GenitalFurbies: Chrome uses blink, a fork of webkit (safari, formerly chrome) and IE uses trident, it's own proprietary engine. You might be remembering how Opera switched to blink from its in-house engine, but chrome and IE are very different under the hood.
| 7 | 16.142857 | |
1408555569 | 1408642463 | t3_2e3k0g | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a Mel Brooks fan.
At my workplace we kind of have a roulette wheel of a music playlist on the computer. Well that old song "Putting on the Ritz" came on and at the chorus I yelled PUTTIN ON THE RITZ! In classic Young Frankenstein fashion.
Well I just happened to be standing next to an employee who is mentally challenged and he shot me the most dirty look I have ever received. And now I feel like a dirt bag.
Sum up: Unintentionally insulted a autistic guy by not being able to control my urge to reference classic movies.
pounce82: God thats bad. Could have been worse thou. It could have been Reciting Blazing Saddle lines out of context aloud?
Kappen_: It could have been raining.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408558749 | 1408563441 | t3_2e3qc1 | t5_2to41 | 13 | jochenbrandstetter3: TIFU by ejaculating on my French teacher
ImAnonymoose: I'm just impressed you were able to pinch it off.
GhostTurdz: Such testicular fortitude...I didn't know that was even possible. Bravo good sir.
Dr_Diabetes: I highly doubt it IS possible.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408559055 | 1408598380 | t3_2e3qx9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | AnonymousTIFU: TIFU By finding out my old friend is trying to have sex with me.
x1lclem: Dear god. How old are you? You're writing at a grade-school level....
If you're a minor...... tell your parents. Best I got.
deertheory: i think they may be non native speaker. regardless, tifu isn't about someone's educational background in language.
x1lclem: The advice given is definitely influenced by the age of the advised. Hence I will go with, "Ask your parents". Sorry to offend if it is a non-native speaker.
deertheory: oh yes that's a good point
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1408559564 | 1408560855 | t3_2e3rw4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | KevJongUn: TIFU by trusting a fart.
lockwasher: Yup. Shit 'em good didn't ya. Soak through the khakis and onto the car seat?
KevJongUn: It was a ride to remember.
| 3 | 3 | |
1408557571 | 1408563919 | t3_2e3o1x | t5_2to41 | 61 | [deleted]: TIFU by threatening to kill everyone at work
First of all know I'm one of those guys who loves to play games and keeps to himself. Well ever so often we have mandatory training for our building and discuss basic sense topics, financial management etc. Time comes around for our training and its anger management. Lazy ass boss puts on a powerpoint presentation and calls on people every so often about a certain topic. I'm called on constantly for some insane reason and its starting to get on my nerves. I am a pacificist and I hate confrontation. I would rather not say anything at all than have to talk to someone. This day I kinda had it and here comes the million dollar question.
"How do you deal with your anger, tyes77?"
My vision is black and I about had it. My sarcastic internet personality took over. I don't remember word for word my response but said more or less," How do I deal with anger? Well for one I go on my Sims game and control my sims which are named after each one of my coworkers and find various ways to killing them off. Oh and I also like to masturbate." I said this all in a deadpan voice with no infliction what-so ever. OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY?
Now I'm sitting outside the HR office wondering how badly did I fuck up.
TL;DR Told everyone at work I name them after sims characters and kill them
cherylannmarie: Good luck with your job search.
tyes77: Luckily HR was closed so I was told to go home early. I got that going for me I guess.
nero51: I love your optimism.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1408562418 | 1408564595 | t3_2e3xfi | t5_2to41 | 18 | EngineerThis21: TIFU by mixing my protein in the bathroom at work
So I like to hit the gym after I get off work. I have to take my protein a half hour before, so I usually fill a bottle at the water fountain and mix a scoop of it in. Well today the fountain was broken, so I just used the sink in the bathroom. Well, I walked past a bunch of desks/people with an empty Gatorade bottle and into the bathroom. Then came out walked past all the people with a now full Gatorade bottle that contains an extremely piss colored protein mix.
I didn't realize till I sat back down at my desk that I was getting weird looks.
Here is my drink...
http://i.imgur.com/TQ75vsC.jpg
Swarlsonegger: OP what kind of protein do you take that it gets colored YELLOW?
EngineerThis21: Honestly, it's preworkout. But I effed up the title so I had to roll with it. It's C4 preworkout.
Swarlsonegger: now that makes way more sense to me, since being a fellow bodybuilder (more or less) even I would have given you weird looks if you appeared infront of me with a yellow proteinshake in a bottle (which isn't even a shaker but that's another story)
EngineerThis21: Ha yeah. All my shakers either break or are stolen/left places. So for preworkout a Gatorade bottle suffices. And protein I use my blender at home.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1408561502 | 1408588391 | t3_2e3vnz | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my SO ride my longboard.
So, my SO, my best friend and I decided to go driving around town looking for some places to longboard down. We were mainly looking for a straight-shot road to be able to ride down, preferably not too hilly. More specifically, to hold onto a leash hooked up to the back of the car and ride it down the street.
Going 15-20 MPH.
With no helmets or elbow/knee pads.
Yeah, brilliant.
We finally found a nice, straight, smooth road in the middle of ButtFuck Nowhere. We all went once, hitting around 10-15 MPH as we rode, just smoothly cruising down the street. My SO had never riden a longboard prior to this, other than just shortly going in a straight line at my house before we left. But she did really well on her first round.
Round two is where shit got ugly, however. I was driving at about 15 MPH, and she told me to go ahead and go faster. So I kicked it up to 20 MPH. It went well. For about 5 seconds. Then I heard her start to panic a bit. I looked back and saw the worst thing I could have possibly seen: speed-wobbles. Major speed-wobbles, too. At that point I knew I fucked up and there was no saving her. Sure enough, the board flew from under her feet and she landed right on the side of her head, and even rolled about 3 feet. I was fucking mortified.
So my best friend and I quickly get out of the car and run to her. Immediately, she has a giant goose-egg knot on the side of her head, and a shit ton of road burn on her arm, with some cut up ankles and piece of her big toe nail missing. I had never felt worse in my life.
After a bit of me majorly panicking and her trying to convince me she was okay, despite temporarily losing her sight in her right eye for a bit and feeling a bit numb immediately following the crash in her legs, she stared feeling better, and was able to sleep without slipping into a coma. Not at any point was she mad at me, though, but that didn't stop me from apologizing profusely and freaking out like a bitch.
So yeah, overall, fun night...
TL;DR: ALWAYS WEAR A FUCKING HELMET.
winstonjpenobscot: How recent was this? Losing sight in an eye, even temporarily, is something you absolutely should take her to the ER for.
Dinosoarman: Seconded. I got hit in the face with a baseball bat, and had to go to the hospital.
Hospital is always the first place to go for head injuries.
moltingbird: Confirmed. Source: swung bat.
Dinosoarman: Explains why i have autism now.
| 5 | 15 | |
1408563789 | 1408579297 | t3_2e3zzv | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by clicking on sick fetish porn at my granparents house (NSFW)
This is the worst moment in my whole life. I try to make it as short as possible: I was visiting my grandparents for a week and one day I noticed a PC at their bedroom, I hadn't touched a pc for a week at this time so i asked if I could check my messages. I logged into skype and plugged my headphones in (they are closed headphones, so you dont hear a shit while wearing these). I had a new message, it was just a link and something like "that is some sick shit, how can somebody do that? " I couldnt resist to click so i opened the link. There was a Video with a naked woman, she had a knife in her hand and began to stick it into her glory hole. I lost my childhood on this day. I turned the volume to the max because the sound was very silent, and i thought no one heard what was in my headphones. Now i heard the woman moaning and crying in pain, after 15 seconds i noped the fuck out and took my headphones off. I froze in panic, I just realized that the sound was not loud enough because it was blasting it through their sound system and my headphones were blocking out the sound. The walls were shaking and i literally couldn't move because i was so shocked. The sick fetish porn continued playing in the background so i just pulled the PC plug in panic. I never had eyecontact with my granparents since then.
tl:dr I blasted fetish porn trough the whole house of my grandparents and didn't noticed it because my headphones were blocking out the sound.
YipYapYoup: You know, you could just tell them exactly what you told us and laugh it off.
JuleTS: Yup you should of said a senior in your school sent you a link and you didnt know it was bad...PROOF you used the speakers. You should of looked traumatazed butits too latw
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1408563906 | 1408566319 | t3_2e4071 | t5_2to41 | 24 | CocklessJackrabbit: TIFU because I left dozens of cum-soaked tissues "hidden".
The pain. The horror.
I'm a male teenager, and, well, male teenagers have their needs... My PC is in the attic, so that's where I see some sweet porn and beat the meat. Over the last few months, I've probably spanked the money over 20 times. Every time I do that, I clean myself with some toilet paper and throw it behind the sofa. Everyday I remember myself to clean that shit up, but I never do that, 'cause procastinating.
Today, after a nice penis-massage, I decided to man up and clean that shit. There was nothing there.
My parents have been cleaning my cum-filled tissues dozens of times.
*TL; DR: I'm a lazy asshole.*
I'm still at the attic and planning never to go back.
Dinosoarman: And your point is? :/
Op, all parents know their child masturbates. It's the *hot hard* truth. Get over it
CocklessJackrabbit: I'm 100% sure they knew, but cleaning up my shit by hand is another thing, entirely.
winstonjpenobscot: It was only a year ago(or ten-ish, not that big of a difference to us parents) they were changing your diaper and changing your clothes from poopsplosions all up your back as far as your neck. And vomit and every other bodily fluid imaginable. Really, that was just yesterday you learned how to roll over and dress yourself...
Doesn't excuse your being a completely ... gross ... teenager for dropping used tissues out-of-sight like that. Get a wastebasket. Take out your own trash. Have some self respect!
CocklessJackrabbit: They were extremely well hidden! Who the fuck looks after the goddamn sofas?
winstonjpenobscot: I do. Especially with kids, things disappear behind and under sofas and under cushions and beds/mattresses and anything. We check and vacuum and dust all of those.
| 6 | 4 | |
1408565028 | 1408582183 | t3_2e42ck | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally showing my dick to a room full of fat chicks
Halucin8ing: Not even one of them was fuckable?
Hopefullytulsabound: Seeing as how he wasn't even propositioned, let alone fucked, I'm guessing he isn't either.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408565018 | 1408612550 | t3_2e42bw | t5_2to41 | 79 | rrocket_sauce: Tifu by picking the wrong line at the grocery store
Today started great, everything was going my way. I have been pretty broke recently due to a failed business plan, and honestly life just felt like it was out to get me. But I had decided I wasn't gonna let circumstance get me down, I'm tired of being a victim. Anyways I am broke, as in, no money. However I get a text message from my girlfriend today saying, "Hey rrocket_sauce! I just put $5 in your bank account." Awesome sauce, I'm going to get breakfast materials. I head to the local Trader Joe's and I start doing my thing. After stretching my $5 as far as $5 can go, it's time to start the process of picking my check stand line. Now mind you, it's 10am at this point, so of the 4 check stands open, they hardly have any lines at all. Upon completing my reconnaissance, I can see there is only 1 person qued up in each line, except for one line, where there is just one person, *who I thought* was just finishing up. (Wrong). I pick this line and I am committed. But what I start to realize is this lady in front of me picked out A LOT of shit. And it's fruits and shit that all needs to be counted. And whilst this shit needs to be counted, I'm watching the checker chat this bitch up like he's on his god damned lunch break! Hands hardly moving, mind does not appear to be counting and on top of it all the lady is futily trying to open and set up her reusable grocery bags in attempts to bag her own groceries, which due to the impromptu first date that they're apparently on, isn't happening. MEANWHILE, as I am watching all this unfold, the rest of me is analyzing my options. To my immediate right I notice a check stand that is moving. At one point there is no one in line to the right, save for the one person starting their checkout. However as I contemplate whether or not my guy is ever going to wrap things up, someone moves in before I pull the trigger. And immidiately another person jumps in line behind him. "No worries" I think, "my dude is taking her cash, this is almost over." No chance. He is now starting to help her bag her worthless shit groceries. About this time I look over and see that another check stand is opening up and the checker calls to the newest member of the line to my right, he leaves and I have made up my mind. I am taking his spot. Committed, I switch to the line to my right, with now only one person finishing checkout in front of me. THE MOMENT I do this a young girl takes my place in my old line, sets her things down and my former guy goes straight to ringing her up without hesitation. Before I finally begin my checkout at my new check stand my old line had serviced the young girl and one other customer, and a whole other check stand had opened up, served a customer and started another. By my count a total of 7 people were serviced, all in spots in lines that were available to me at any given moment before I began my checkout. Although, as rough of a seven minutes as it was, I was resolved. I was not to be a victim. I took my loaf of bread, peanut butter and 5 bananas with me as I headed to my car conveniently parked on the street right outside the door. Only to look up at my car as I heard the sound of metal crashing into metal as I watched some meth head on a rampage smash his huge old nasty pickup truck into the side of my car. Never to stop and exchange information, never to say sorry, just demo'd my 94 Ford Escort and drove off into the late morning sun... Upon inspection my car is wrecked beyond repair. My front wheel was almost completely ripped off... Some days are better than others.
Tl;Dr my line at the grocery store took way to long but just long enough for me to walk outside the moment my car was being demolished by a meth head
Edit: I should probably mention to my sympathetic redditors that it truly was a throw away car and not my only car, my gf was helping me out till I got a pay check from my other job and I was mostly amused by the whole thing.
Edit 2: But that god damned checker...
fuzz0725: dude - could've been worse. You could have just gotten IN your car.
QualitySteak: Yeah man, you're seriously lucky to be alive. You're impatience could of killed you.
rrocket_sauce: Yeah right, you think it takes me 5 minutes to start driving my car? Wam bam thank you mam and I'm outta there
Murky42: Yeah but if you had been in the store for 6 minutes you could have died.
Shit sucks but hey at least there is a silver lining.
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1408566810 | 1408664784 | t3_2e45me | t5_2to41 | 11,796 | Murklar: TIFU by putting my D in Crazy.
TIFU>Warning to readers; this story does mention the existence of sex.
Ok so, this story beings monday night at a bar in Seattle. While at said bar, I see a VERY attractive young woman. Now this girl wasn't your everyday monday night bar drinker. she was beautiful, tall, long dark hair, and that look in her eyes that said "I'm here because I'm vulnerable..." I had to stop myself from yelling "DIBS!" when I spotted her. Without wasting time I run over and introduce myself. I don't want to brag, but my pick up skills are irresistible to Seattle women. I do my mating dance for a few hours and wouldn't you know it, we're headed to my place. We hop in my truck, get to my apartment and proceed to basically eat each others faces. Success!
After a night of passionate rainbows and bananas, we awake and begin the awkward redressing ritual, but as I said this girl wasn't a normal monday night stand. she confidently stands up revealing her stunning naked body, holds eye contact with me and smiles. remaining naked, she stroll to the bathroom turns on the shower and whispers "you coming or what". needless to say I liked her. Again, Success!
By this time Im already late for work, its around 9:30am, so I call in and say Im having car problems (a joke rich with irony, but that will be understood later). Now, I could tell this Rom-Com was taking a strange turn when last nights date, who will from now on be known as "Crazy", asks me to leave. Yes, leave my own home... I laughed waiting for the punch line, but it never comes. She stared at me with what at the time seemed like a great whites soulless black eyes. I took the hint and decided to just give her some space, who knows what Crazy is dealing with. I step out of the apartment for about 10min and walk down to 7-11 for some coffee.
When I return the first thing I notice is [my truck](http://imgur.com/1GruVfS) I was speechless... Crazy had taken what looks like a sledge hammer and smashed my windshield, only there was no hammer to be found. As if that wasn't enough she then slashed all [4 tires](http://imgur.com/niglRdv). I stood in wonder for some time and then resized my apartment was most likely destroyed. Took a deep breath and walked to my appartment. I slowly opened my door, closed my eyes and prepared myself for complete devastation. When I finally mustered the courage to open my eyes I could not have been more shocked. Nothing was broken, not only that but nothing was moved. In fact, Crazy had folded the sheets, and shut off the lights.
I started to suspect that this was an example of chance. That perhaps Crazy had just had a bad day and left while simultaneously a psycho had randomly, or mistakenly destroyed my car. I was really hoping this was the case, because Crazy was still super hot and seemed normal. This was not the case. A neighbor told me herd to crack of the windshield and watched Crazy slit all the tires with a box-cutter. he also had no clue what she used to smash the windshield. I never asked for her phone number, and doubt that ill be seeing her again.
I didn't wright this post to help me search her down and make her pay for the damages. I am paying for the damages myself and I'm also not involving police. After spending a little time in heaven with Crazy, and then spending a little money to cover the sobering damages. I have to say, worth it... So heres to you Crazy, thanks for a wild night and a good story!
TL;DR Met a beautiful women, made sweet sweet love, she ruined my truck. Basically a country song...
NOTE; Sorry for the grammar, I'm at work and had to tell the story while it's still fresh.
40dogsCigarettes: Any chance you live in North Seattle? Specifically near UW? Almost this exact same thing happened to me about a year ago. I met an insanely hot girl at a bar, her "name" was Celia, we talked/flirted for a few hours, she came back to my place, probably the best sex of my life ensued(nothing exceptionally kinky, she was just very frisky and both controlling while also being very submissive).
The next morning she wanted to go for round 2 which made me very late for work. I called my boss to tell him I was going to be late and used my car as an excuse. As soon as I hung up the phone "Celia" came up behind me, wrapped her arms around me and asked if I would walk down the block and get her Starbucks while she took a shower. I probably would have robbed the bank next to the Starbucks if she had asked me to and I didn't think anything seemed strange at the time.
I was only gone for about 10 minutes but when I got back to my apartment she was gone. I figured that maybe she had a bf/husband or something and just wanted to make a clean getaway without having to deal with any, "can we do this again sometime," awkwardness and just started getting ready for work.
When I got out to my car both headlights were busted, one mirror was broken off, and the valve stem was cut off of two of my tires and the other 2 had been damaged but not completely cut.
The difference is that I had gotten "Celia's" number. At the time I didn't think she had done it but I thought that maybe a bf/husband/ex had been following her the night before. I was even a little concerned by this point since she just disappeared after I left.
I didn't want to invade her space too much if she was doing a quick getaway so I simply sent a text that said, "did you happen to notice anyone messing with my car after I left?"
She responded something to the effect of, "I guess I'm not special enough to mention to the people in your life and I didn't want you to have to lie on my behalf so I made sure your boss will know that you really had car trouble."
I decided that she was way to crazy to have any interaction with so I didn't report anything to the police and I didn't even respond to that text. I never heard from her again.
edit: "north" and words
Edit 2:Also, the reason I don't believe her name was really Celia is because she told me her last name also and said she was a student at UW. I looked for her on FB, twitter, etc. as well as the student directory at UW and couldn't find anything.
Edit 3: My first gold! Thank you kind stranger! To clarify and answer some of the questions I'm getting.
The reason I didn't contact the police or try to get her to pay for the damages even after I had some proof in the text she sent is because I figured if she was crazy enough to, A: fuck up someone's car who she just met for an insignificant reason and, B: not have any qualms about admitting it, I didn't want to find out how far she was willing to go. As far as I was concerned, I got off on the first stop of the crazy train and I didn't have any desire to get back on to see where it would go.
How I picked her up:
There's nothing out of the ordinary here other than the fact that she was much more attractive than your run of the mill bar pickup, one night stand. She was a 9+ and those are a rare find when it comes to one night stands. Other than that, we just started talking (she came with a friend, I was with a friend, the friends also talked but didn't go beyond the bar. My friend ended up with a fake number from her friend, also not an unusual experience for bar pick ups.) After a few hours and drinks at the bar we headed back to my place, talked a bit more, and then started losing clothes.
Was it worth it?
No. At least not for me. OP seems to think that it was. I was getting ready to sell my car when this happened. I ended up paying close to $1000 for the parts (I did the labor) and I sold the car for $3000 a couple of months later. Beyond the cost, I was a little paranoid for several months. I was afraid of what would happen if I ran into her somewhere or worse, I didn't know if she felt vindicated by smashing up my car or if she still felt like she needed to do something more. When I got my new car I requested a new parking spot at my apartment so if she ever happened to be there she wouldn't see a shiny new car where I used to park.
Murklar: are you being serious? his happened to you...
40dogsCigarettes: Absolutely being serious. I meant to type "North" Seattle. Obv you're from seattle when it was in the first sentence you typed
Murklar: its just scary how similar this is... you used the same excuse and everything! mind=blown...
40dogsCigarettes: At the time I drove an 02 VW Golf that was a diesel. It gave me a lot of trouble starting when it was cold and my boss was used to me having car problems.
I told him what actually happened, although in a different chronological order (I told him the car troubles I said I had were the car troubles "Celia" gave me), when I finally got to work and he gave me the rest of the day off to try to get it fixed.
Murklar: you have any pics? or do you think you could pm me her number?
40dogsCigarettes: PM sent
Murklar: I feel like a little school girl! what do i say? "hey did you happen to fuck up an SUV the other day?"
40dogsCigarettes: Don't tell her that you're the guy she fucked. Really mess with her. Tell her you know about the SUV and the Silver VW Golf.
Murklar: lol, just strait-up start accusing her before i even know if its the same girl?
40dogsCigarettes: Start with the Golf and fish for more. Act like a detective questioning a serial-car-smasher.
Murklar: im ganna give it some time... when i message her ill let you know what happens.
cocainevolcano: Post updates! Please op. I'm saving this.
Murklar: will do
jammy_p: read this whole convo, even had to click the "continue this thread" link and follow it to the next page. the whole time i'm thinking, "yes.... yes.... its gonna happen! how will this end?!" and then i realized these comments are only TEN MINUTES OLD. i gotta know what happens! text her!!
Murklar: im ganna wait till tomorrow to message her... i need to let this whole thing sink in and decide what to ask her. and yes i will update.
sharksnax: Idk what's up with all of the deleted comments, but this comment is 11hrs old. Wtf happened, OP?!
Murklar: No clue?
[deleted]: There were a bunch of "remind me" posts causing huge spam. I downvoted them all and came back to downvote any new ones. They have gone, however. Looks like the mods didn't take kindly to the spamming.
PurpleMonkeyFeet: Because the huge list of "deleted" is somehow better than a huge list of "remind me". We still have to slog through them all. At least leaving them alone doesn't leave everyone wondering what they missed.
I don't understand this place sometimes.
[deleted]: Yeah it's a problem. Subreddits can ban phrases from even being posted, and that would be a solution here.
So would not showing all the deleted comments.
But the bottom line is that the problem is with the (useful) reminder bot. People don't seem to know that they can simply save a comment.
So an optimal solution would be for reddit to ban the bot site-wide, ban the phrase, and just show simple instructions on how to save a comment when people tried to invoke the bot.
MelAlvarado: But the save option doesn't remind you of the thing you wanted to remember. Instead, people should use the spam-free option of that bot.
ScienceBreathingDrgn: ... I've never been this deep before ...
| 24 | 491.5 | |
1408569151 | 1409684696 | t3_2e4a3u | t5_2to41 | 11 | Meekachuu: TIFU by realizing just how often I masterbate after slicing some jalapeños
Decided to whip up a homemade pizza for my boyfriend last night... and when I say homemade I mean store-bought crust, sauce, and cheese with sliced up veggies from my own garden. We bote love jalapeños, the spicier the better, so I obviously tossed those bitches on there with the deft hand of a bitch who loves her some jalapeños. As the pizza was cooking, I was lounging on the couch checking up on my Netflix game when suddenly my vajay starts tingling which very quickly turns into a FULL BLOW BURN FEST. I had no idea what was happening until I realized I must have been randomly feeling myself. NBD, chics do that shit all the time (am a chic, can confirm.) The burning dies off after a few minutes and I relax. Little did I know this would only be the first of 5 more burn fest 3000's that would be occurring throughout the evening.
tl;dr cut up some jalapeños then proceeded to subconsciously play with my clit 6 times in a 2.5 hour period
TheDayWePart: TIL Jalapeños are a great way to stop yourself from absent-mindedly masturbating
[deleted]: But she did it 6 times. Doesn't sound very effective.
Meekachuu: It most certainly was not effective. You are correct.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1408570836 | 1408584472 | t3_2e4d8z | t5_2to41 | 15 | trappadonna: TIFU by literally throwing away my paycheck.
winstonjpenobscot: Call your employer, have them stop payment on that check, and cut you a new one. Do it immediately.
Seldarin: This is definitely the route to go. Payroll generally has zero problems doing this, as long as it's done quickly and you don't fuck around and call them a month later.
I never threw one away, but my friend's kid threw an open bag of Skittles on top of it in my center console (I have no idea why), which totally ruined it. I called, they stopped the check and printed me another one and mailed it to me. It works. Do it.
knopper91: I've accidentally lost 2 checks, via awesome windage out a window or being a JA and leaving my wallet at a bar. Called both times and they cancel the check and issue a new one, or just route it directly to an account.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1408570860 | 1408685370 | t3_2e4daf | t5_2to41 | 572 | mortifiedhomosexual: NSFW TIFU by coming out to my homophobic parents in the worst way
So the ‘today’ part may not be applicable but I definitely fucked up. I fucked up badly. And so I made a throwaway to share my horror.
To preface this, my parents are extremely homophobic. They try to mask it sometimes by starting homophobic sentences with things like, “I don’t mind the gays, but,” and “I’m not homophobic but...” Which pretty much guarantees that whoever’s lips those words came from are about to say some homophobic-ass shit.
I also happen to be gay and up until last night I was so far in the closet that I was sucking dick in Narnia. My friends mostly knew and I am pretty open around them but as soon as I walked into that house I was straighter than a ruler.
So last night my parents went out to dinner with some friends and so I was home alone and decided to invite over this guy that I have been seeing. He came over and we hung out and played videogames until we got so frustrated with Heart of Darkness that we gave up (temporarily, because I vow to finish that bitch) and ended up in bed together.
This would be a good time to mention that I really enjoy getting tied up during sex and so we do this pretty often and we happened to do this last night. So yeah, after foreplay and all that jazz, he tied me to the bed frame and fucked me from behind, but it was when we finished and I turned around to look at him (I usually put my face into the bed sheets during sex) that my eyes landed on my mother’s frame standing in the door way instead. This would also be a good time to mention the fact that my door is parallel to my bed, so if I lay on my bed on my side normally then I will face the door, just so you guys can visualise exactly what my mother witnessed.
They were home earlier than I expected and we were at the perfect angle for her to see everything that was happening, my first thought wasn’t actually that she now knew I was gay it was that she had seen me cum on the bed sheets that she now understands why I insist on washing myself. The coming out panic definitely set in afterwards though. I, of course, flipped out and tried to hide both my own body and my friend’s (after my friend untied me), but the damage was done. But not as much as my mother was done with me.
The only thing she said to me was, “we’ll talk about this later, I think your friend should go,” and then she left my room. I have never seen her look so disappointed in me.
I haven’t seen either of them since, but I am guessing that she went to my dad and told him and that they are figuring out what to do with me and what to say to me. I’m happy with them not saying or doing anything to me. Ever again. I tried making this story sound a lot more light-hearted than how I actually feel about it because I honestly think I have just ruined my relationship with my parents. I have never been overly close to them, what with them being complete polar opposites of me, but any ‘unconditional’ love that they had for me is now almost-certainly gone. For now, I will be either in my room or out of the house until I move out probably. I have never been happier that I am moving to another city for university next month. Now I just have to get through the month. So yeah, I fucked up by getting caught having gay sex by my extremely homophobic mother.
**EDIT:** Thank you kind stranger who gave me gold! My first gold and it's on a post about getting caught having gay sex... Also, I'm going to talk to my parents tonight so I'll update then.
**EDIT UPDATE: I talked to my parents.** I went downstairs and my parents were both sitting in the lounge and I asked if I could talk to them and they didn’t say anything so I just started. I pretty much just said, “I’m gay and I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted in a son, I’m sorry if I disappointed you, but I can’t change who I am. If you have anything to say to me about it, do it now so we can get it all out of the way.” (I rehearsed this so many times.)
And, of course, my dad was the first to speak. I can’t remember his exact words but they weren’t pleasant; he started with something about not taking demands from 'faggots' and that he will say what he wants when he wants. So that hurt. And then he just kept talking about shit like that and saying that he wished I had just pretended to be straight, pretended to be ‘normal’. He made a weird analogy about the fact that when he first tried beer he didn’t like it but he kept drinking it because that’s what his friends drank and eventually he started liking it and said that I could do that with girls. He got himself really angry and worked up and then stormed out and my mother just sat quietly. By this point I was holding back tears and I turned to my mother and said, “Do you have anything to add?”
She told me she didn’t and that she couldn’t deal with this right now and that maybe I should just leave for a few days until things cool off.
So I’m writing this from my room, I’ve just packed a bag and I’m going to stay with the guy who got caught with me. His mum is really lovely and they’re close so she knows what is going on and she said I can stay as long as I need to. I have stayed there a lot before so I know I will be fine until things cool off at home.
My general philosophy is, “prepare for the worst, hope for the best,” and going into that conversation with this attitude is the only thing that stopped me from breaking down in the middle. Thank you guys so much for all your support and anecdotes and jokes that kept my mind off of things for a little while. Things will be okay eventually, I think, no matter whether that means that I come to accept my parent’s dislike of my sexuality or that they come to accept me. But yeah, for now this is where I am and if things change then I will update.
obamabot447: What if like... Your mom was like, "we'll talk about this later...but in the meantime...continue". You and your friend are like wtf?! She leaves and comes back with a plate of saltine crackers and peanut butter. She sits Indian style looking into your room. She starts to put peanut butter on a cracker, "I SAID MOTHERFUCKIG CONTINUE!!!!!" she screams. Reluctantly your friend continues to fuck your ass, but his dick is limp now. "Fuck!! Fuck now!!!" She screams.
Your friend not knowing what to do, mashes his completely limp dick into your butt. He starts to make light pumping motions with his hips and making fake moans. You follow suit and start to pretend moan while constantly watching your mom. She's eating the crackers and watching you intently. Crackers are leaving crumbs all over her blouse.
Neither you nor your friend know what to think. Then...your dad walks up and glares into your room, then to your mom. "Jesus Christ...." He starts. "Don't fucking eat peanut butter crackers over the carpet..come on Mary Anne!!" He leaves and comes back with one of those little hand powered vacuums and rolls it furiously over the area where your mom was eating.
When he's done he leaves then comes back into your room with some wet wipes. "Now as for you...." He says threateningly as he pulls your friends dick out of your ass. He starts wiping it down, cleaning it thouroughly. "I hate dirty faggits......" He pauses, "but I loooove clean homosexuals!!!" He says joyously. He puts his arms around you and your friend squeezing super hard and walks you all into the shower. You spend the next hour and a half soaping eachother down while listening to "anyway you want it" by journey.
Oh holy shit what would you do?!?!?!??!?!
cherrypieandcoffee: This made me laugh so hard that I woke up my sleeping girlfriend. Utter genius.
littlekookla: now you guys can fuck
cherrypieandcoffee: Er, um, we decided to eat toast and play Tomb Raider instead.
littlekookla: Well thats good too
| 6 | 95.333333 | |
1408570636 | 1408574301 | t3_2e4cve | t5_2to41 | 38 | MangoTree88: TIFU by eating almond butter from Whole Foods.
This happened about a half hour ago. So I've had this jar of almond butter in the cabinet for a couple weeks now, unopened. I decide its a good time to break it out and have some on my bagel. While watching the news in the kitchen, *just* as I finish the bagel, I hear the reporter say that there's a recall on peanut and almond butter, specifically from smaller stores like Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. Couldn't have timed it better. They're getting recalled for salmonella.
MsAmbivalence: Check the upc codes. You might still be ok. If not, I wish you luck. I've just spent the shittiest week & a half in bed & still feel like crap.
Fuck you Maranatha Organic No Stir Creamy Peanut Butter.
MangoTree88: that's a very good idea. I will do that and hopefully I'll be in the clear. that's very unfortunate for you, and I hope you get better asap!
MsAmbivalence: Thanks & good luck! I don't wish this on anyone.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1408571271 | 1408596509 | t3_2e4dz5 | t5_2to41 | 107 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting my two cents into a racism argument.
Last night (Tuesday), I saw a Facebook post regarding racism and I had to put my two cents in (looking back now, I'm thinking: "You just HAD to put your two cents in.") and immediately, 4,5,6 people begin to argue against my point. One person in particular makes a claim that I'm white, heterosexual and male, therefore I'm automatically privileged. Note, I'm not actually Caucasian but Hispanic. I have a fairly common Caucasian name however. I then go into detail how he knows nothing about me, how racism is a generalization, and basically, I end up lecturing this guy about generalizations. Hours later, the post concludes with me giving up and the brigade of people merrily expressing how incorrect my views on the subject were.
Fall term began at my University this past Monday. I've enrolled in ENC 1102, or English 2, and my professor is a very nice, strict guy with a LOT of sass.
Today, we learned he is somewhat young. Me being the curious person I am, go home and look him up on Facebook to see some background on the guy thats going to teach me how to write for the next 15 weeks.
I notice the thumbnail on his profile is vaguely familiar.
I also notice his last name on Facebook is different from the one he provides in our class.
I also notice that we have a mutual friend.
The resulting connection is like two trains, travelling at mach speed colliding head on.
The man I'd been lecturing all night on the machinations of racism is my ENC 1102 professor. Not only that, but I was being quite a bit of a smartass to others on the post, meaning he saw that as well.
I'm debating maintaining eye contact and finishing or dropping the class now.
TSIFU. (This Semester, I Fucked Up)
Melch12: If your professor treats you differently for speaking your mind on Facebook (assuming you weren't a total moron) then he shouldn't be teaching people
[deleted]: I wasn't a moron, and that's the thing. The post in General was saying how racism against white people can't even be taken into consideration because racism against people of color is so much worse. I disagreed and vocalized my opinion and eeeeeverybody was attacking me. I used very academic vocabulary, as well as proper grammar.
Melch12: The only the reason that person posted the comment in Facebook is so you (not literally YOU) would disagree with him/her. People like this cannot be reasoned with
faitu: It's not worth joining any sort of "discussion" in a website like facebook. Absolutely nothing productive can come out of it. It's best to just resist the urge of answering stupid comments.
rob_var: And these people are usually wrong and no matter what you say you will never get them to look at reason.
| 6 | 17.833333 | |
1408571510 | 1408572474 | t3_2e4eda | t5_2to41 | 4 | andylok: TIFU by trying to look at boobs online
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: So did you eventually see boobs?
coachsneakerfreak: Yea...sounds like you needed to see a good pair after all this...
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408572590 | 1421528691 | t3_2e4g8r | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my mom a cunt.
Ah yes, my lovely darling mother the bitch cunt. Anyways story time.
My mom and I...well we don't get along sometimes. We haven't since my father passed away when I was 15 and her idea of parenting was to drink and do as much coke as possible. For years I endured her emotional and sometimes physical abuse because I felt I was obligated-she was my mother and the death of my dad nearly destroyed her. From 15-19 It was a cyclic pattern of her getting too drunk, attacking me, me being kicked out, her threatening to call the cops on me for "running away", repeat. It wasn't fun but the lack of parental super vision in general was cool cos I had free range of the internet 8]
Fast forward to adulthood after years of therapy and counseling-things are semi stable. Bi-annually we'd get into it old-style: Screaming, swearing, almost fist fighting on the lawn. You know. Family bonding shit. 3 years ago we parted ways. Since this January I've separated from my husband, moved three times and eventually into my own place for the first time, been sick, endured a miscarriage-stressful life stuff. It happens, it sucks, but I'm honestly doing the best I ever have.
She started getting involved with my health after I landed myself in the ER with a gallstone/gall bladder disease and a miscarriage back to back. She was concerned, understandably so, but she started trying to domineer over my life and business like I was a child again. She'd call and tell me we were going somewhere, not ask me even though it was the middle of the day and I was working. She'd show up at my house randomly, make plans without asking or telling me, and had frequently been late to show up or adhere to our plans. In between all this she was dealing with her own shit, and caring for my grandma who was having surgery. We both agreed NOT to tell my grandma about the miscarriage as to spare her, so close to her surgery, from being stressed/aggrieved.
During this time of "bonding" with my mom, all the weird resentment she'd always harbored for me started surfacing. She'd lecture me about being responsible, tell me I need a REAL job because art is stupid, make comments about my weight/appearance to vaguely insult me, tell me how I needed to find a rich man. Stuff that usually rolls off me but I am 4 weeks out of a miscarriage, on new birth control, and having my first menses since then. She knows what I'm going through;She knows my heart and heads a mess and yet she chooses on a regular basis to incite me for no reason.
**The fuck up:**
It's my grandma's birthday and she's out of the hospital, excited to party. We had a pretty large gathering at her home. I brought my boyfriend along and my mom had failed to tell me she invited my ex-mom in law. I was instantly on edge, instantly anxious about getting the hell out of there. I was pleasant but kept to myself and my poor boyfriend...so so uncomfortable. I made it through the party and my mom insists on taking us home even though my brother was the one who came and kidnapped us initially.
This is when shit went prompt critical.
I got in the car, as did my boyfriend, and she IMMEDIATELY started hounding me about my health because I canceled an appointment this week because the doctor wasn't actually covered by my insurance. She called me lazy, told me I was nothing but a procrastinator etc etc. I could feel the ire building in me, hot and stinging like spicy curry diarrhea that you can't exactly ignore. I knew I was going to lose it. I told her, flat out she had to stop. I wasn't in the mood for a lecture, not in front of my boyfriend(who was extremely uncomfortable), not here or now. I didn't need or want it.
She kept going. She kept at it, kept poking even though I asked her twice more to stop. It pleased her to embarrass me, to shame me in front of him. At one point she attempted to rally him against me. I turned and looked to her and said you know what? You're being a total bitch right now. She gets cocky, PROUD of herself and exclaims yeah! Yeah you know what I am because you need to fucking listen! And that's when I corrected myself and said "You know what? I'm sorry but you're actually being a cunt right now". She turned into a stammering mess. I disengaged her then, facing the window and ignoring her remarks. That's when she grabbed my arm, digging her bag lady nails in as she did so. She twisted; I recoiled.
I snapped-started screaming immediately "Don't you ever fucking put your hands on me" etc etc got some insults in. That's when she slammed the brakes and kicked me out of her car.
My entire family is angry with me right now for using the dreaded cunt word. Do I feel bad for calling her a bitch/cunt? A little. I should have kept my head on straight and ignored her and probably not called her a cunt but man. I don't give a fuck what someone say's to you-Never gives you the right to put your hands on someone in anger.
**Don't call your mom a cunt friends she wont like it <3**
Christian_Jew: Retard
Amyrea: Suck a dick, dumb shit.
Christian_Jew: Dumb idiot.
Amyrea: What a clever response....fucking pleb.
Christian_Jew: Moron
Amyrea: Spaghetti
I_Like_Spaghetti:
S to the P to the aghetti
SPAGHETTI!
Amyrea: I think I love you.
| 9 | 5.777778 | |
1408577091 | 1408601175 | t3_2e4nyb | t5_2to41 | 36 | dannol: TIFU by letting a complete stranger borrow money
So this didn't actually happen today but today I'm realizing I'm probably not getting paid back. Two nights ago I was walking to a 7/11 to get something to eat when a truck stops me. It was two ladies upfront and maybe 3 kids in the back, they were frantically telling me about needing gas money to make it to Arizona so they could sign some paper that would keep their mom on life support. They told me their cards had been frozen, kids in the back were asking about their grandma, the driver looked to have been crying..just the desperation in their voices really convinced me.
I went in to 7/11 and got $120 out from my card since that was really I could afford to help them with and they went out of their way to convince me I'd be paid back the following morning. I got one of their numbers and wished them luck as they drove off. They don't reply to my texts or answer my calls. Can't even tell anyone, I feel like an idiot.
edit: I appreciate the kind words, you guys are alriight.
payattentionimsmart: OP thanks for being a good person. People like those scammers disgust me. We should be able to trust strangers but can't because of bad apples like them. And serial killers. I don't like serial killers.
SBuRRkE: Yeah! Don't forget rapists, racists, pedophiles, cultists, drug dealers, robbers, addicts, and ghosts. I don't like ghosts.
AppleBerryPoo: What if it's a friendly ghost?
SBuRRkE: Don't give a damn, If Casper were to materialize in my room I would turn snow white and leap out the window. Fuckin creepy ass ghosts watching me do...stuff on the internet. Plus If ghosts were real, you can't fucking fight them off! Everything else pull out a gun or knife and call the cops, but demons/ghosts fuck that I don't have a bible anywhere near me, and even If I did I doubt I'd know how to use it.
Edit: Fuck I'd prolly just throw it in fear.
http://i.imgur.com/4ylR0TQ.gif
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1408579420 | 1408643482 | t3_2e4rpx | t5_2to41 | 69 | fearful--symmetry: TIFU by allowing my father to handle my shaven pubes.
So my fuck up starts like this: As a result of breaking up with my longtime, high school girlfriend and the debilitating depression that followed, shaving my *delicates* became the least of my concern. I neglected to shave them for around three months until I began to start dating again just recently.
I knew that in order for me to be sexually active, I had to eradicate the Fangorn Forest that had been cultivating in my nether region for quite some time. I had always shaved in the shower and let the remnants go down the drain, and I wasn't about to break tradition. After I had become freshly shaven, the aftermath ended up clogging the shower drain. The drain itself was a linear, circular drain like [this](http://www.calfaucets.com/images/products/sourceImage/9160.jpg) so it was impossible to physically unclog it unless I unscrewed and removed the frame. My initial thought was to use draino but summer vacation laziness kicked in and I neglected to get around to it. Instead of showering there, I used the spare hallway bathroom for a number of days.
My parents noticed this and questioned what was wrong with my shower and I gave them the old BS of "I like the hallway shower better" or the occasional "Uhhh.." Eventually, my father grew annoyed with my new bathing routine and decided to discover why I found my bathroom so inadequate early one morning while I was asleep. I guess he discovered the source of stagnant water near the drain because he was then prompted to grab his tool kit and address the clog.
As I groggily walked into my bathroom to brush my teeth, I walked in on my father with gloves and a bucket, grabbing bundles of soggy, damp pubes and infuriatingly thrusting them into the bucket. I felt ill as I looked upon my father's rage stricken face, pubes clenched in his yellow-gloved hands. Still recovering from morning fatigue, I stupidly tried to remedy the situation and said, "It's armpit hair, I swear!" He didn't even pause.
He took one more sopping glob of pubes, turned on the bath faucet, and walked out of the room without a word, full bucket of pubes in hand. I feel disgusting and devastated.
TL;DR I neglected to unclog my pube filled shower drain, so my father unclogged it for me with silent rage.
penekr: WHY IS EVERYONE SHAVING THEIR PUBES?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE!?
fearful--symmetry: Ironically, most girls don't want to taste a man's salad. That simple.
penekr: I've never had a problem getting a blow job. That simple.
fearful--symmetry: [Yay...](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/yay1.gif)
penekr: I wasn't gloating, I was countering your idea that "most" girls want a guy with with no pubic hair.
You're perpetuating this idea that prepubescence is attractive. It's disgusting.
MisuCake: Would you like to fuck a forest?
penekr: Id rather fuck a forest than a baby. I have no issue with pubic hair. It's attractive to me. A trim is OK if you grow it in excess.
MisuCake: I wouldn't consider shaving it all, but some people, like me, need a trim every once in awhile.
| 9 | 7.666667 | |
1408579243 | 1408613799 | t3_2e4rge | t5_2to41 | 24 | mrmarsh25: TIFU by getting a golden shower by my best friend and failed a drug test.
So it all started last Wednesday, I got a call from my uncle while I am at work. He says the company he co-owns needs temp help for 2 months paying a ton of money. Since he knows I'm leaving in Oct for new Zealand for 3 months he thought I could use the money.
The only thing he says is I need to pass the drug test which was within 3 days. I smoke a lot of pot, so my urine is filled with THC. So i knew that was out of the question then I called my best friend who I've known since I was 7 and he only smokes once a year. So i get him to piss into a cleaned out Gatorade bottle and then we get really high and laugh about it. So the next day arrives and I fill this condom with his piss and tie it then use my belt buckle to hook it on the inside on my pants along the side of my junk(one of the weirdest things I've ever felt). And took a little screw bit with me to poke a hole.
Fast forward the nurse or whatever they are calls me back and says empty pockets and hands me the cup to piss in. Well I get in the bathroom all by myself and pull this condom out then I pull the screw out. Problem one, things I have to hold; condom, cup, screw. 3 things two hands. So I squeeze the condom under my chin and chest. Put cup underneath and screw in hand we're good to go. Well, it wouldn't poke a hole, the rubber was too rubbery. So I ended up scratching at it and tearing it. It popped like a water balloon onto my shirt, in the cup, on the floor, on the toilet seat. My life flashed before my eyes before I could even react. I walk out like yeaaaa, I fucked up. It would have been fine and it could have been all clear if I got the temperature up. So I had to piss again with my own piss, or leave. I said fuck this joint I have to save face.
Apparently I might still have the job. They said the drug test company never called and said there was a problem, so I got that going for me.
Tldr: got friends piss all over my shirt during drug test, walked out in shame and misery. Still got the job though, I think....
f_unit: I thought you could get the THC out of your system in a couple of days if you drank lots of water and didn't smoke more weed? Guess not.
Anyway, did you have trouble escaping the building or was the bathroom like near the exit?
FatHighlander: No that is very incorrect an assumption. THC can stay in your system for upwards of 30 days (if you are a high-amount daily smoker and really fat). The higher your fat % the longer it can stay in your system (again, depending on the amount smoked vs. time)
f_unit: OK good to know. Yet another reason to mind one's weight, I guess. I still want to know how OP escaped the drug testing lab. That would make a good GTA mission come to think of it: "escape the drug testing lab: stay out of sight and downwind."
mrmarsh25: Haha well i handed the nurse the cup full of pee and he said the temp wasn't right so he through out the clean piss and I had to do it again within the next 3 hours, I couldn't leave the building and if I did then it would say "failure to comply" or something. I just walked out. The company I had to do it for said they never heard anything from the drug testing company so they seem to think I passed it and got the job
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1408556914 | 1408604415 | t3_2e3mrs | t5_2to41 | 4 | Kyphros: TIFU by unknowingly insulting someone's mother
It's not really TodayIFU, rather a That-dayIFU, but anyway.
A bit more than a week ago, I moved into a new town for a 2-weeks-long job, which involves standing in a public place and telling people various things about their surroundings most of the time.
So here I am, a newcomer lost in the middle of nowhere, and I need my damned morning croissant every day. Since there's only one bakery close by, I go there every morning and start talking to the owner everyday for a few minutes.
Two days ago, I go to the same bakery and there's a despicable woman harassing the baker. The first thing I hear is "I've been waiting too long! It's outrageous!" And then, a few insults follow.
After listening to that, I take a closer look and see that she looks like some kind of uppity fake aristocrat who believes she's entitled to everything because she's from the capital, along with her tool of a husband and her shitty car.
While the baker answers something along the lines of "I can't go faster than the machine, madam", I take off and wait for her to be gone. She was far too annoying for me and I didn't want to give more work to the baker at that moment.
A few minutes later, she's gone and I order my croissant. And that's where the FU occurs.
Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I asked him: "What's with the old hag from earlier? She sure had a huge broom stuck up her ass..." (local, vulgar expression that designates annoying people)
The baker looks at me with a weird expression and says: "Who?"
Naturally, I answer: "Well you know, the woman for earlier. With the sunglasses."
And then came an answer I never expected: "Ah, that's my mother."
I don't take a morning croissant anymore.
TIFU
PhishnChips: Naw dude, that baker knows his mother is a bitch. You didn't fuck up, you made a friend.
Kyphros: Well, no. It was a private joke between them. Things are awkward for me now.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408582096 | 1408620423 | t3_2e4w5v | t5_2to41 | 88 | we_todd_it: TIFU by jacking off while my mom and her friends were home
This happened about 2 years ago but I might as well share it. I was in my room and my mom had her friends over. I was horny and I needed to release a load. I then looked for fart porn on the web (hey I know my kink is weird but it gets me off) and found the right video. Now here's the part where I fucked up at: I'm always playing musuc through my stereo. My auxiliary cable runs from my home stereo to my computer. Wait there's more. When I play online my headphones are connected to my computer so I thought that when I put it on, it will play through my head phones but......... *it didn't*. There was no build up in the video just a literal asshole on the screen and hearing a lady saying " you like my stinky farts and following that was a pretty gnarly fart. It sounded like chum being dumped in the ocean. I immediately closed the browser and just stared at the wall for what seemed like eternity. I know damn well the whole crib heard that shit. I just stayed in my room the whole days and did not talk to anybody. Nobody has ever bought it up but im pretty sure they think im a freak.
TL;DR jerked it to fart porn and sound played over speaker, whole house heard it
Nohalfmeasures00: Should have walked out and been like Baaaaaaaaaaaaaam!! Peanut butter and jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!
MickJoest: Dammit now I have to watch Trailer Park Boys.
Teigeyweige: I have seen every bit of trailer park boys but dont remember this what part did that quote come from
Sickness69: > Baaaaaaaaaaaaaam!! Peanut butter and jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam
Are you serious? Phil and his son do it
[Seen here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDQc9Q1qdX0)
| 5 | 17.6 | |
1408582235 | 1408621442 | t3_2e4we2 | t5_2to41 | 365 | neiluj: TIFU by flipping myself off.
Today I was walking to the grocery store and happened to find myself near a funeral home. This particular funeral home had a large window that was made with semi reflective glass. Being me, I looked at my reflection and made the ugliest face I could then decided to flip my reflection off. What I forgot was that the people inside of the funeral home could see me. I also didn't know that there was an active funeral taking place behind that reflective glass. Anyhow, after I did this, it took me a few seconds to realize. I darted off to the grocery store (which is where I am writing this from) and am looking out to the funeral home right now. Two big ass guys in suits are looking in my direction right now, although I don't think they know where I am exactly. Fuck.
EDIT: Update - after 20 minutes or so of the dudes walking around I ran out of the grocery store. Turns out they were out in the parking lot and they saw me. They told me to appropriately "fuck off", which I did. I'm at home right now, actually laughing at the whole situation.
cpalmer3: I'm in tears, I'm laughing so hard right now.
njmortician: Right now?
Bakiratina: No, no, right *now*
| 4 | 91.25 | |
1408586068 | 1408605447 | t3_2e52ov | t5_2to41 | 97 | g4r8e9c4o: TIFU by bragging to my sister on her birthday
I decided to take my sister out for lunch today because she had been feeling sad lately and today was her birthday. We were driving through an unfamiliar area on the way back, and I didn't really know where I was going other than the fact that I had to turn around eventually. During the drive, I was bragging to her that I've never been in an accident before, and that I'm an excellent driver. You can see where this is going. At some point, while driving in the center lane on a somewhat-main street, I see a left turn come up and I remember that I have to turn around, so I switch to my left lane so I can make the U-turn. Of course, with my luck and non-paying-of-attention, there was a car in my blind spot and I smash right into him as he's trying to pass me (why he was trying to pass me as I had my left blinker on, I don't know). Fucking hell. Not to mention that I only bought my car a week ago and it still has temporary plates on it...
TL;DR I crashed my brand new car while bragging that I've never crashed a car before.
EnigmaticAmarok: And that was the best birthday present she could hope for.
g4r8e9c4o: Definitely the most expensive one I've ever given!
EnigmaticAmarok: So do you know how much it will cost?
g4r8e9c4o: At least a couple thousand. Gonna get an estimate at a shop tomorrow.
EnigmaticAmarok: Wow...well good luck man.
| 6 | 16.166667 | |
1408587705 | 1408604294 | t3_2e55df | t5_2to41 | 200 | brettfavrethrowaway: TIFU by jizzing on my laptop
This happened like maybe ten minutes ago. I'm home alone, just doing my usual home alone thing. Watching random YouTube videos, playing random games in my Steam library, and of course, torrenting porn.
Now, I like to sit down on my couch while I masturbate. In doing so I use some toilet paper to jack it into. That way I don't leave a mess everywhere and it tends to add a nice texture to the peen.
So I'm going at it and I decide to lean my screen back and stand over this bitch. I don't know about anyone else, but when I don't clear the pipes for a couple days, it tends to rocket out of me with the force of a thousand suns.
Thus, whilst I'm standing over my laptop cumming wildly, I don't notice that my bodily fluids are shooting through the top of the toilet paper on the end of my dick. So now I'm stuck mid explosion trying to stop but not really but it's just falling everywhere.
So for the time being I can't turn sticky keys off.
tl;dr: blew my load on my laptop, first thought was sticky keys pun.
PromisesPromise5: >So for the time being I can't turn sticky keys off.
10/10
Joosh92: I like to imagine the hilarious little whooshy-beepy-woop sound played when he came.
TsMusic: ..your penis sounds like a dial up modem during ejaculation?
| 4 | 50 | |
1408585699 | 1408591451 | t3_2e521r | t5_2to41 | 1 | twenessee: TIFU by leavin oklahoma
i was fucking on my fucking way hom from fuckin work today and i accidentally fuckin crossed over into fuckin arkansas. fuck,. i got fuckin pulled over by some cousin fuckin buck toothed fucking patrolamn in fucking arkansas. now i dont fuckin have enough fucking money to buy season fuckin tickets for fuckin sooner football.
this fuckin shit doesnt happen in oklahoma onlybecause i had ok tags, fuckin that is fucking why
Nohalfmeasures00: Fuck that stupid fuckin moron.
twenessee: it fucking pissed me the fuck off im fucking tired of these fucking arkansas cousinfucking fuckers
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1408590200 | 1408596816 | t3_2e59bo | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by insulting a girl's cigarette brand
Quick note, I'm trying to quit smoking, it's hard, but I'm trying.
So today after the gym (ironic I know) I realize I'm short on cigarettes and go to my local liquor store to buy a pack or two. So I'm standing in line when I notice this extremely attractive girl who is walking out after making her purchase. I kick myself trying to think of a way to talk to her without sounding awkward but it's just too weird as I'm standing in line for my purchase and she's already walking out the door.
So I fantasize a little bit in my head while waiting in line if only I could talk to her, etc how awesome that would be (not exactly helpful that I'm on NoFap right now and trying to restrain my urges).
So I make my purchase and of course being a compulsive smoker take one out of the pack and light it up as I'm walking over to my car. That's where I see her, standing there smoking. Of course I feel it has to be some sort of sign so I walk up to her and make some stupid corny joke about needing to quit but today just doesn't feel right. She laughs as she understands the joke about smokers always saying we need to quit and then never quitting. So I'm talking to her, things are going great, about to ask for her number when she asks what brand I smoke. I tell her "Camel Crush" and add please don't give me any crap for them- I like the fact that I can make them menthol, and how I know people think of them as girly cigarettes.
Well low and behold she is laughing at me being all defensive so I add "well, at least there not Marlboro Reds. I swear I can't respect anyone who smokes those things, they're the absolute worst. So harsh, disgusting, just makes me lose respect for someone when I see they smoke reds. They're trashy and it's like a brand only for rednecks"
The smile is wiped off her face....aaand then I see her adjusting her pack of Marlboro reds in her pocket before giving me this look of hatred as she scurries off down the street.
SkeletorSwag: At least they aren't Newports (ghetto brand)
TeenageButts: newports are more expensive than marlboros or camels.
hitlers_one_nut: also my favorite
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1408593558 | 1408643764 | t3_2e5e8l | t5_2to41 | 335 | [deleted]: TIFU Cutting my ass hairs with a knife in bed.
I was laying in bed, shortly after beating my meat, and I was pulling at the long 2"-3" hairs that form a mohawk from my ball sack tothe upper region of my crack. I had recently come home from a long day at work, and I had shit more recently than I had showered. That's a key detail here because wiping with a hairy ass is like trying to get peanut butter out of shag rug carpeting. It needs to be rinsed out with water in the shower or a bidet to be truely clean. So I'm pulling at these hairs, and I decide to pull out my Swiss Army knife. I'm pulling the hairs, cutting them with the knife, and then I slice too swiftly, cutting a shallow incision in my dirt star anus. Fuck. What the fuck. I'm fucking bleeding from my ass, grabbing tissues to try to negotiate some sort of manpon to stop the bleeding. As I'm rolling around bleeding from my ass I realized the hairs I cut were no longer contained and were all over me and my bed. FUCK. I'm bleeding from my ass and there are shit hairs all over me, feces stained smelly hairs in my mouth and on my face. So I run to the shower and turn it on since I'm already naked. The blood. Holy shit. Maybe it was the water making it seem like there was more. I don't do well with blood. I passed out and took down the shower curtain, waking my mother who has a wall shared with my bathroom. Of course I didn't lock the door, I was only thinking about getting the hair off. So here I am, half of my body in the tub, bleeding from my ass, covered in shitty ass hair naked and unconscious in the bathroom for my mom to see.
Fuck. My. Life.
oyum: WHO THE FUCK CUTS GOOCH HAIRS WITH A FRICKEN SWISS ARMY KNIFE!!
You deserve every little bit of this you do know that right?
Matt2310: who the fuck says gooch?!?!
thats your grundle
banned_accounts: That taint right either.
Matt2310: hahahahahahahah thats a good one right there my friend!!
| 5 | 67 | |
1408594777 | 1408601607 | t3_2e5g1p | t5_2to41 | 18 | Chinese_Election: TIFU by missing some very obvious signals.
Backstory: I'm a 20 y/o college student who recently returned to uni from summer break. I was back-to-school shopping in downtown with some friends who also recently got back in town. We were mostly getting lamps, silverware, toiletries, the usual stuff. We happened to stop in a clothing store while we were out, and a couple friends started trying on t-shirts and other clothing items. The only employee on shift at the time was a cute brunette. While I waited for my friends we got to talking. I found out she was a sophomore at my university, and that she had stayed in town during break, preferring to live out of her apartment and work all summer. I went off to find my friends and began browsing myself. She kept coming over every few minutes and asking "what do you think of this?" or "Wanna see something cool?". Eventually, my friends payed for their stuff and as we were leaving, she wished us a goodnight and specifically asked me to "Come back again sometime, chinese_election." After getting in the car, one of my friends asked if I got her number. Now, I tend to be a somewhat clueless guy when it comes to girls, having only ever had one short-lived relationship. I was taken aback, not even realizing that she might have been interested in me. He and the rest of my friends assured me that she was totally into me, and that I should have gone for it. In retrospect, I think their right. Not sure what to do at this point.
DatWalrusDoe: Do what she asked: Come back again!
Chinese_Election: Yeah, I'm definitely thinking that I'll go back at some point in the near future. The only thing is, I don't know what shift she works or her name for that matter. I just feel that it would be awkward to walk back in to the store on the exact same night/time next week in order to see her and not even be able to acknowledge her by name. My worst case scenario involves her saying "Oh, hi chinese_election!" And me going "Hey... you."
DatWalrusDoe: 1: Just drop by the next time you happen to be nearby. Try to be casual about it.
2: She should have a nametag.
3: Gimme an update on how things go if you have a second encounter.
Chinese_Election: Thanks for the tips! I definitely have to give it another shot. Sorry, maybe this wasn't quite a "fuck up," but I have absolutely no idea how to talk to girls or read "signs".
AppleBerryPoo: We're rooting for you bro.
| 6 | 3 | |
1408596081 | 1408596727 | t3_2e5htl | t5_2to41 | 4 | TheBayHarborButcher9: TIFU by playing a joke on my crush and being a real asshole to one of my closest friends
Today, I spent the day hanging out with close friends. Let's just say their names are Joe and Rob. Joe, Rob and I were hanging out at Rob's house and we were doing what normal 15 year old guys do; play video games and, daring each other to do stupid things. You know, like the salt and ice challenge, the cinnamon challenge, taking hits off each other,and other equally stupid things. After awhile, Rob comes up with the idea to dare Joe to call two people of our choice and tell them whatever we said. So, of course, I pick my crush. Rob writes out a message that basically said he had a massive crush on my crush, and he really wanted her to be with him. Well, after taking the news, she hangs up and thinks about it, i suppose. When she called back, she said yes, and that completely broke me. Joe hangs up, and he tells us he seriously did like her (equally as long as i did) and he was really considering seriously doing it. After seeing how upset i was, he did something I would not have been able to do myself: not go out with her. I could see how much that hurt him, he was probably hurting more than I was. At that point, I just felt like the world's biggest asshole. Joe ran off when we left, I have no idea what he did. But on my way home, I kicked over a city trash can, got a few dirty looks after screaming a few obscenities, and to top it all off, I punched a bus sign and may have busted one of my knuckles. Joe, he had to deal with so many personal issues at home, and so much bad shit was going on in his life I may have ruined something that could have made him happy. I feel like a selfish prick, but i've been texting Joe, and he tells me he only did it because he knew it would have really made me upset. In a way, I'm glad I have such a good friend, but I feel so bad about doing this to him. The girl, let's say her name was Angela, doesn't know it was a joke, and I feel bad about us messing around with her feelings. I'm honestly just so distraught about this and I have no idea what to do.
[deleted]: Don't worry. Once you start high school, you'll have forgotten all about this.
TheBayHarborButcher9: I'm starting my sophomore year in two weeks
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408595910 | 1408597197 | t3_2e5hlv | t5_2to41 | 54 | Wonky_dialup: TIFU by being gassy
I normally get a little gassy in anticipation for a trip and I had japanese the night before so my stomach was a little knotted up for the day.
Coupled with the fact I had to fly to Thailand for a day trip my stomach was more than a little anxious.
Since we boarded so early I just napped on the flight, halfway through I woke up to the feeling of an immensely swollen bowel.
I needed to fart.
Badly.
Lifting off my left buttcheek I decided to go with some subtle ninja pneumatics.
*Fut* *fut* *FUUUT*
The silenced shots were muffled by the leather seats.
Only to rise like a noxious airborne venom. I knew at that point they we're pretty strong smelling. Not to say murderously noxious, but on a scale of 1 to chloroform knockout. It was about an 8.
I had a second bad feeling about this and I looked over to the passenger trapped between me and the window, the poor soul, to get an unlucky random seat by the window, trapped by a glass pane that doesn't open and some odoriferous smell.
She did all that she could and just covered her mouth and nose with her hand.
I must imagine she pictured herself in the swamps of dagobah reaching for the peppermint oil.
I had farted so much volume, she might have insisted it was a hate crime against her had she been jewish.
There was no escaping it and she cupped her hands tighter around her face.
I was too terrified to even acknowledge it, so I just closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I couldn't look her in the eye for the rest of the flight. Which was mercifully short.
When the plane docked and everyone stood to leave, she got her revenge.
She leaned against a seat opening up her underarms to release the products of her pheromone factories. It may have been the stress from dealing with my farts, but the results we're undeniable. This women had ammo. Lots of ammo.
With her arm camp liberated. She was letting it roll.
Eventually we got off the plane and I walked as fast as I could to get away from the collective shame of assaulting and being assaulted from smell warfare.
TL; DR, I gassed someone who had nowhere to run.
[deleted]: Haha! What a gas!
Wonky_dialup: I tried to hold it back! But being in the middle seat I couldn't even leave to go to the toilet
| 3 | 18 | |
1408597004 | 1408597812 | t3_2e5j29 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Ya_ya_ya_ya: TIFU by smoking
I am in the process of quitting smoking and like to have one before bed (cigs). I went outside and sit down in my rocking chair and light up. Im casually browsing reddit when I feel something dripping on me. I assumed it was just my imagination because its chilly and I'm in a wife beater. After a moment I feel it again. I looked over onto my shoulder and see this black ooze running down my arm and back and immediately jump up and wipe it off. I looked up to see a massive spider pouring this stuff out where I was just sitting.
I have no clue what this stuff is, if anyone knows please share. (Until that time I'm just going to assume that I'm going to wake up in a venom-esque wifebeater and shorts)
TheDayWePart: That's just a side effect from the demon living inside each and every one of them. Every once in awhile the evil manifests itself into a type of ooze and exits the vessel so as to prolong the life of the vessel.
Ya_ya_ya_ya: Oh thank God, I thought it was poop! Welp, see you all in hell now that I'm possessed.
TheDayWePart: The only way to save yourself is to find a colony of ants and sacrifice a spider to them.
Ya_ya_ya_ya: I live in NC and would rather die then help those little red shits
| 5 | 3 | |
1408594146 | 1408647397 | t3_2e5f5w | t5_2to41 | 26 | mtv252: TIFU by keeping all my used condoms and expired beverages in one bag.
This happened a few years ago, when I was in high school.
The boiler room was my "vice" room. Whenever my GF at the time could spend the night, we'd usually spend most of it in there smoking weed, having sex, and drinking iced tea. It was semi-carpeted, out of the way, and no one ever went there. Because I was too embarrassed to go upstairs stoned with a used condom in my hand, I would put all of them in a Lord & Taylor bag that was lying around. A long-expired jug of Arnold Palmer (which was developing mold) was put in there too, because it was nasty smelling and I didn't have the stomach to discard it.
Flash-forward to a year and a half later, as my parents are cleaning the house out because they were moving out. I was no longer with GF at the time, and those magic night of weed and fucking were all but a wanking memory.I assist my father in clearing out some of his memorabilia from the boiler room, when he all of a sudden does a 180 degree spin and starts clearing out the shit from the other side of the room. He pulls out a very familiar looking bag, and some synapses in my brain make a connection that hasn't been made in a while. He peeks in there.
"NOOOOOOO!" I shout, before running upstairs, up to my room, away from the look on my father's face. That's where I stayed the rest of the day. We've never talked about it.
**TR;DR My dad opened a bag that contained about a year's worth of his sons' used condoms surrounding a jug of iced tea that was more mould than tea.**
antony1197: How... how many?
mtv252: I really don't know. Probably between 25 and 40?
moltingbird: Bad year.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1408597163 | 1408604778 | t3_2e5j8w | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to cut my own hair
I've done it before. I thought I could do it again. But I was wrong. [So very wrong]( http://imgur.com/2G3YPL0).
justanotherbetty: Good thing pixies are coming back in style.
Damienisabunny: Reverse pixies
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408594110 | 1408632272 | t3_2e5f47 | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by linking my parents to a sexting conversation with my girlfriend
When I was 14, I was limited by my parents in a number of ways. Firstly, I wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend. Secondly, I wasn't allowed to have any electronics in my room, whatsoever. My parents were worried about porn and other fun stuff, and always said "People don't make good decisions late at night".
A good little boy I was, I quickly fell for a girl. We flirted, held hands, had a great time. I decided that I was really in love with her, so I asked my parents one night if I could date her. They calmly explained to me that this wasn't a good idea, and I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for the rest of the night.
14 year old boy hormones raging, I couldn't resist. I dated this girl anyways, behind my parents back. Now, my parents closely monitored who I spent time with, how long, where I was, so I didn't really have a lot of time to spend with her. A few classes here and there, but it didn't really cut it. As time went on, I decided that the best way to keep talking with her was through online chat.
I was cautious, I didn't want to use texting because there's history. I didn't want to use Facebook because my parents had my password, and there was the chance that they, for some reason, might log on and see my conversation. The best option, I decided, was Gmail chat. For those of you who don't know, Gmail hosts 'off the record' chat, kind of like Chrome's 'incognito' mode.
For the next few months, I snuck an iPod touch into my bedroom, chatting late into the night. Never, once, did I have an inappropriate conversation. Until one night.
That night I ventured into uncharted territory. I talked to my girlfriend about how I wanted to hold her boobs in my hand, to feel her, to hold her. I told her I wanted her to strip for me, and several other things a 14 year old boy thought was hot. We even planned a day to get together and finally have some solid action.
Earlier that night, I had made a big mistake. My parents had asked for help using Google Maps. I was more than happy to help, so I brought my computer over, and showed them all about what they needed. As per usual, I was logged into my Google account. What I didn't realize was that **Google syncs chat across all applications**. This was the end of me.
It turns out, my parents watched the chat in the sidebar the entire time. *Watched!*. I would have to assume this lasted for several hours, because they later quoted me on things I had said from varying parts of the conversation. The worst part was that they didn't just tell me what they had seen the next day. They asked me leading questions over the next week, ranging from "Are you dating anyone" to "What are you doing at 3 o'clock on Saturday and where will you be?". I lied to my parents, lied and lied and lied.
When they finally told me, I was deathly embarrassed, disappointed, and also hurt. The worst part was when they asked about specific things I said. The amount of cringe-worthy things my mom had to quote was unbearable. My dad had a go at the birds and the bees (which, to my delight, was the most uplifting failure I have ever experienced). Over the next 3 years of my pubescence, I was given few freedoms regarding where I went, when I went, and who I hung out with. It seriously crippled my dating life.
tldr; Dated someone I wasn't allowed to, parents watched as I sexted her for hours.
khalidhaddad: Idk if its just me, but with that form of parenting wouldnt the child be more likely to act out against them?
onaretrotip: Exactly. That kind of oppression always has the opposite effect to that which is desired.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1408600698 | 1408602290 | t3_2e5ni4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | lebanesemale: TIFU by getting in a word fight with the parking manager.
So this just happened. I went to park my car at 7:30 am, I told the parking guy/ manager that i am leaving at 9 am for a doctor appointment. He directly told me there is no room to park here and I have to park outside ( Its a small parking and he have to move cars in order for one to get out). So I started looking at him in a provocative way but didn't say a word!
Then he started telling me to not look at him that way! I told him I wasn't here for any trouble and I just wanted to park my car. He asked me if I am accusing him of lying. i kept looking the whole time!
I then told him If I want to make a fight I wouldn't have just looked!
At this point he lost it, and started saying that he will go to the management and tell them what I said. He started to say that many people before me came to the company and left and I am not any better than them. I told him go say whatever you want to say and just left.
Now I am waiting to see what will happen.
TL;DR: Had a word fight with the parking manager, now my job is threatened.
TheDemonClown: You're a fucking idiot.
guitarandcheese: Stop word fighting him man...
| 3 | 5 | |
1408600695 | 1408675383 | t3_2e5ni0 | t5_2to41 | 19 | SparkyDogPants: TIFU by accidentally sending terroristic threats
So rewind when this all started, for it has been a long and arduous past year. So back in January, it was an especially cold winter day, just warm enough to have to go to school but still cold enough to easily hurt yourself with too much exposure (it was somewhere around -38º with an even colder windchill)
One problem with where I live, is I'm about 500 feet too close to school to get a school bus, you need to be ≥2 miles. This means the kid who lived across the block but graduated the year before I started high school got a bus, naturally they got rid of the convenient stop and the closest one is a little over 1.5 miles away, and I'm technically not allowed on the bus.
Anyways, so since quite a long ways to walk my good friend who lives nearby and is in a similar predicament and got a ride from her mom would regularly give me rides on really cold days. So this day I was looking for her and had to go past the front desk to find her and tell her to wait up, I couldn't find her so went back past the front desk so I could grab my coat before having to walk/take the city bus.
For some reason, our school is very strict about reentering the building and our assistant dean wouldn't let me through. I pleaded with him telling him I needed my coat because I had to walk home. I was only wearing a t-shirt and jeans and you literally can get frost bite from only five minutes of exposure. After he flatly refused and threatened to call security on me if I didn't immediately leave the school.
I went outside and desperately tried calling one of my parents, but they both work 14 hour days and I couldn't get a hold of them. So I'm stuck outside in freezing cold Minnesota weather, with only a t-shirt. I almost instantly start feeling sick but if I go back in they'll get security and then I'll be in deep shit. But after about 10 minutes I couldn't hold it in anymore and went inside. When I got in the warm school my hands immediately started to ache/burn really intense, if you've never had frost bite/nip then don't because it's one of the most painful things I've experienced.
Thankfully our crazy/evil dean had left and it was our savior in the school Paul, who everyone loved for he was reasonable. He was horrified that I had been outside without a coat and got me some hot drink from the teachers lounge and then I got my coat. I took the city bus home and by the time I got home I was really fucking pissed that shit like this regularly went down. My school was notorious for being run like a prison and this was the final straw because it was actually really dangerous.
So I made an anonymous email account and emailed the dean, the only things I can remember saying is "You need to get Dagny's dick out of your ass" and then something along the lines with the way he helped run the school would get an administrator shot.
So this is me, being a retarded 15 year old, brain still melting from the cold. In my head I thought this was honest, solid, good advice. I was a good kid, didn't smoke, drink, get in fights, got pretty good grades, etc. I had no idea they would take this threateningly (I should of, I was an idiot, of course it looked like a threat)
Anyways, fast forward a few months and I get a call from the office saying my dad was there to pick me up which was odd because there was a few more hours left. We get to my house and there's three squad cars at the house, I walk in and see a battering ram. There's guys packing up our computer, my room was torn apart and they took my three CDs (Ciara, Eminem and TI), and I just start bawling.
The police officer is questioning me and I'm crying too hard to speak. Eventually they leave, my parents are beyond furious. I get told I'm being charged with a felony of terroristic threats. i get suspended, which apparently they do indefinitely because expulsion is a long process so I dropped out and was accepted into a different public school, but had to get tutored by an asshole for months while waiting to get accepted.
So I have my court case and I have a good lawyer who gets a plea bargain and brings it down to a misdemeanor and all I have to do is a buttload of community service, which I don't mind at all considering the alternative. The only problem now is I'm starting a new school at an awkward time and I'm already very shy/socially awkward. The whole semester the only two people that would talk to me were the two boys that bullied me every day.
TL;DR Dean almost killed me so I got charged with terroristic threats by accidentally threatening him with a school shooting. Got the charge brought down to a misdemeanor and almost committed suicide due to the bullying at my new school/overall stress of the ordeal.
smithrooks: I'm not even sure how a school like that can legally exist. Jeez you had a bad series of events happen to you.
SparkyDogPants: New reply, the only bad thing that happened in this instance was how I was treated by the dean. The rest was absolutely my fault. If I didn't acknowledge this, it would all be for waste.
smithrooks: Yea, I guess so. The dean is still an ass though.
SparkyDogPants: Oh completely, he quit that year (idk if I was the reason or a reason) and I considered myself a martyr
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1408601983 | 1408640043 | t3_2e5p24 | t5_2to41 | 45 | menace860: TIFU by posting my ALS ice bucket challenge to social media...in a bikini (x-post from funny)
So today I fucked up by wearing my wife's bikini to the Ice Bucket Challenge. I got hit with the fucking Ice bucket challenge by my cousin, and honestly it's for a great cause but most of these videos are so un-watchable...so repetitive, so mundane...I really can't stand them. So I thought man I really have to do this or I'm going to look like a total dooche-canoe but I really can't make it lame. I've only got 24 hours...really? 24 hours and you nominated me on a Sunday fucking night? Thanks...thanks alot, cousin. Well if I'm going to poor a lame ass bucket of ice water on my head in the middle of summer, all narcissistic (ooo it's about how tough I am), I better go all out right? So why not make it funny and try on my wife's bikini and post it to all of my friends, former classmates, family members, in-laws and coworkers? Looking back, now that my video has been liked and re-shared over and over...I realize that anyone who has seen this video will never want to bear my fruits. Anyone who has seen this video, will never be able to un-see this masterpiece. I have to work with these people. My wife may never look at me the same. Why didn't I go tanning or suck my fat gut in? One of my two gay Facebook friends commented saying "One for 'the bank' ;)", what the hell does that mean? What little social life I had is officially over.
http://youtu.be/qHpYu0X6hW4
Ftlguy88: God I'm so glad I do not have any friends who would ever challenge me to this.
Nohalfmeasures00: Can't you just ignore it?What happens if you do?
AFCWithAA: The ALS Association comes and breaks your legs for owing them money.
[deleted]: >The ALS Association comes and gives you ALS
Oooh that was bad... should I delete it... I don't know... ack
| 5 | 9 | |
1408593634 | 1408662443 | t3_2e5ed9 | t5_2to41 | 20 | cats_pyjamas: TIFU by walking into the wrong apartment
So, I just moved into a new apartment complex this week. Tonight, I was extremely tired and got dropped off at my building by a friend. I walk up the stairs and the front door of my apartment was open a crack. Weird, but I guess someone just didn't close it all the way by mistake. I walked in, different rug in the living room but my roommate said she was getting a new one so no big deal. Two girls I don't recognize at the kitchen table, that's cool my roommate constantly has friends over. I walk up the stairs to go to my bedroom except.... this is not my apartment. I walk down the stairs and try to leave, but as I'm trying to unlock the door, so is the third roommate who is just now coming home. So I come face to face with this girl who has such a puzzled look on her face and she goes "Oh..hi..?". I quickly say "Sorry.." and shuffle out the door. I check the door number once I'm safely outside. 1020. I'm 1024. I had been dropped off by my friend one building down and had entered the apartment where mine would have been if I had been at the *correct* building. I'm so beyond mortified.
FMN2014: Cue the porn music.
cats_pyjamas: Hahahaha. That would be some interesting lesbian porn. Just a bunch of confused looking people.
FMN2014: It's only awkward if you make awkward.
cats_pyjamas: Can't argue with that.
| 5 | 4 | |
1408602155 | 1408686562 | t3_2e5p8t | t5_2to41 | 194 | daaamnguuurl: TIFU by trusting spaghetti straps. Slightly NSFW.
The other night, I was heading to my birthday dinner with the man of my dreams. I wanted to look attractive for the semi-classy restaurant we were going to, but not too sexy--a fine line to walk for women with generously endowed breasts. I chose a black sundress with spaghetti straps. I know, I know. SPAGHETTI STRAPS. But I did cover them up with a cute cardigan type thing so I thought I was good to go with a decent amount of cleavage for my man to oogle.
It wasn't just him oogling when we got to the restaurant...it seemed like everyone had their eyes glued to my chest. I'm normally not too worried about things like that, however I did notice the hostess was mean-mugging the SHIT out of me. She wasn't even trying to be subtle about glaring at my rack. I felt pretty self-conscious after that, but kinda brushed it off as we sat at our table.
At that point, homeboy noticed that I was boobing around a lot more than usual and gave me the heads up. Er, down. I checked myself out and lo-and-behold, there is half a giant boob making it's way out of the top of my dress. I quickly try to snag the top and do a little shimmy to get that titty back where it belongs. What's this? I notice the tiny strap that had held on for so long, the strap I had so mistakenly trusted...was no more. There was just a frayed bit of fabric left where it used to be.
Now what? I dug through my purse with one hand while holding up my dress with the other, searching in desperation for a safety pin, bobby pin...hell, I would have taken a paper clip at that point. No such luck. My giant wad of keys kept interfering with my search, so I snatched 'em out of my purse and simultaneously got my first good idea of the night.
I sacrificed a keyring off of the least useful item on the mass of keys and baubles, pried it apart enough with my fingernail (challenging) and slid it over my bra strap and the remaining fabric at the top of the dress (even more challenging). The waiter was extra attentive to our table throughout the whole process. How...helpful.
Humiliation aside, I am proud to say it worked like a wonderful, invisible charm for the rest of the evening once everything settled. I understand why people are inclined to stare at times like these, but damn. Big shout out to the hostess for choosing to gawk at me like a slovenly monster over a little wardrobe malfunction. You go girl.
SparCrux: she jelly?
logangrey123: She jelly
TypeZ_Sonic: I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
SickStiches: Not enough peanut butter for this quantity of jelly.
| 5 | 38.8 | |
1408607121 | 1408656664 | t3_2e5ubb | t5_2to41 | 681 | [deleted]: TIFU On a first date to the movies
So I really like this girl from my class. We got talking about a movie that was coming out that looks good so I asked her if she wanted to go with me. I'm kinda shy so this was a big thing for me.
So I get dressed up and we go to the movies. I bought the tickets and things were looking great.
Then I go to buy myself some snacks. I get to the counter, turn to her and say;
"Do you want some cock porn?"
The girl behind the counter started laughing her ass off straight away. I felt myself turn EXTREMELY red. The girl was also laughing and worse gave me this sort of pitying look at how embarrassed I was.
We went into the film. I asked her a drink after. She said no.
Fuck my brain.
ChieftheKief: Later that night, she was watching some cock porn
Morgaith: While eating pop corn
Mustaka: In her dorm
[deleted]: With her "friend" Norm
Mustaka: Who was green because he was a Gorn.
[deleted]: Sounds like the norm.
Mustaka: Yeah if your into alien porn
AbsentmindedAsshole: Including various fawns
Mustaka: All frolicking in a massive centipede on the lawn.
[deleted]: Till dawn
Mustaka: When with the morning light they birthed their sexy spawn
frowningcat: Get off my lawn!!
| 13 | 52.384615 |
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