start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1408613539 | 1408674542 | t3_2e5zwf | t5_2to41 | 30 | chronikfunk: TIFU by accepting an IT job for a small medical company.
I have never worked IT. The company has 77 computers all on a network. I grew up with pcs but never had LAN parties or did much else other than play video games . I have no idea what Sonic wall is or what i will need to do in this field. I hope it's like the IT crowd and I can just ask if they tried turning off the machine and turning it back on. I start on Friday and the head IT guy is going back to school and now I'm supposed to be the new head IT guy. I'm know this is very mild and there are worse fuck ups to be had.
yourm2: WHAT DOES IT MEANS? ;p
chronikfunk: Information technology.
yourm2: oh no! you should not be answering that! did not you watch IT Crowd lol
chronikfunk: It's been a long time and i watched them all straight through. Ill have to rewatch is it [this](http://youtu.be/Zfa2ecb5lZw) you're referring to?
yourm2: yes lol.
| 6 | 5 | |
1408610727 | 1408626631 | t3_2e5xii | t5_2to41 | 4 | PoopyMyNigga: TIFU by pouring water all over my laptop.
JJPnutLoveBear: I'm not sure if this works for larger electronics, but I've heard that it works on cell phones. You could try burying your laptop in a container filled with rice, and the rice is supposed to soak up the moisture after some time. It's worth a shot!
PoopyMyNigga: Thanks, I might try that >_>
Voyager5555: You're too late, you likely already fried it when you tried turning it back on.
PoopyMyNigga: yepp. lol.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1408616794 | 1408632899 | t3_2e62p9 | t5_2to41 | 35 | Shooterdog: TIFU by never bothering to learn what iCloud is
A few weeks ago, I finally made the switch from Droid to iPhone and snagged myself a fancy 5s. I'm pretty tech-illiterate, and before this the only stuff I used from Apple was iTunes. I'm trying to sync my phone with iTunes and naturally spam-tap through all the beginning setup screens, choosing English as a language and whatnot. I get to a screen that mentions setting up iCloud, and here's where I begin my fuck up: being clueless to what iCloud is, I tap the 'configure later' option and carry on, oblivious to the fact that iCloud contains a handy-dandy "Find my iPhone" tracking app that, of course, comes turned OFF.
Fast forward a few weeks after I get back from New York with a bunch of cool touristy pictures (that I don't put on my computer because I'm bad with technology). It's the weekend and I'm driving 2.5 hours from Colorado to Laramie, Wyoming for a friend's housewarming party. The party is fine, but at some point late in the night I go for a walk outside on the soccer fields, drop my phone without noticing, and then promptly pass out once I get back to my friend's place.
Upon waking up, I find that my phone is missing from the face of the earth. It's on vibrate, so the chances of hearing it out there are slim to none. But never fear, my friends say, because iPhones have the Find my iPhone app! ....which I had never turned on because I didn't know it was on there. Now, Apple doesn't allow you to remotely turn on Find my iPhone even if you have your appleID and password, because of "theft issues." Because naturally if I steal an iPhone the first thing I want to do is turn ON the tracking app. So here I am, out $250 for a new phone (at least I managed to get the lost phone insurance so I saved a good $400+ on a replacement), out all my cool NY pictures and Red Rocks concert videos, and out my 2048 high score of 66,000 that I doubt I'll ever be able to surpass. After owning a new phone for 3 weeks. Because I didn't know what the iCloud is.
tl;dr - When you get a new iPhone, turn on the Find my iPhone app in the settings under iCloud!
If anyone way out in Laramie, Wyoming happens to find an iPhone 5s on a soccer field by the University of Wyoming, with a background picture of a guy cradling a Ketel One bottle, and is nice enough to want to return it, I will forever be in your debt.
chiikuroshitsuji: Thanks, I should probably do this. I didn't actually know how to turn it on so...! Sorry about your loss, give it a funeral.
Oirammario12345: or get a Nexus 5
*Praise Duarte*
sad_battery: # yoloholo
Oirammario12345: ###\#holoyolo
| 5 | 7 | |
1408611573 | 1408691948 | t3_2e5y7u | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU by practicing good hygiene
So after a long night of Xbox, I decided to turn off the TV and get ready for bed, taking out my contacts and brushing my teeth. So I take off my contacts and start brushing my teeth. Something I like to do is multitask while I brush my teeth, so I walk around the house, turn off lights, etc... I walk into the TV room which is dark to get my laptop charger which is in the outlet behind the couch. I am pretty tall so I kneel and reach down to grab it... but the bottom of the toothbrush hit a cushion or something and hit the back of my throat, making me gag and puke on the couch. Fucking nasty, so here I am using the carpet cleaner thing on the couch at 5 in the morning to get out the stain...
TL;DR I need a new toothbrush
gabeNPleasePleaseMe: That's what you get for playing Xbox
273748490102838374: You are why console gamers think bad of us.
gabeNPleasePleaseMe: I was obviously joking
273748490102838374: It's not funny it's just kinda stupid, because you *were* obviously joking, keep your circle jerk on /r/pcmasterrace
gabeNPleasePleaseMe: Pcmasterrace is no circlejerk, it all jokes
| 6 | 8 | |
1408617547 | 1410998366 | t3_2e63dr | t5_2to41 | 381 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to show off...
TIFU, Well this happened a few weeks ago at the gym but I wasn't a Redditer then.
It was leg day and i was all ready for it. I had eaten my pre workout banana for the energy, and a coffee to wake myself up. This didn't mix too nicely in my stomach, but I ignored it anyway. I get into the gym, and start my warm up. So i start squatting, doing 5x5 sets, and the weight starts getting piled on (I say piled, my max is 130kg on squat) I reached my final set and see a cute girl checking me out, she also clearly lifts. So I ask if she'll give me a spot, as I decide to add another 10kg to bar, making it 140kg. For context purposes, here's what a squat spotter looks [Like](http://laxcrossfit.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/mark_orlando_squat.jpg) Now remember that bad stomach? Well as I went down to parallel, I pushed, and started to make progress, but I hit a sticking point, where I was pushing and not moving, up nor down. The girl braces herself to help me in case
I start to go back down, but I give a huge roar and push through. Major error. I released a fart so loud that it could be heard over the music in the gym. But this fart continued all the way up through the squat, which took around 10-13 seconds due to the weight. This thing was loud and stunk like rotten eggs. The poor girl was gagging all the way through the squat, congratulated me after I had re-recked the weight, and briskly walked away... I tip my hat to her for sticking with it, even after having someone she didn't know, practically fart on her lap...
I fucked up.
BigBobsBootyBarn: laugh, apologize, tell you want to make it up with dinner. tongue punch her fart box later that evening and then live happily ever after. (Seriously though a little bit of confidence, humor and an apology will go a long way.)
Captain_Bonbon: Some kind of irony in the fact you're recommending confidence to someone already at the gym. (considering memes and all)
BigBobsBootyBarn: Shy people work out too you know. Besides he damn near left a shit stain on her shirt, so confidence might be a little low at the moment. Just a pep talk ol' bub.
And with that, Dave Chappelle comes to mind.
[What ever happened to lipstick on the collar lady? I got a shit streak on the middle of my shirt!] (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3e21eeed11/dave-chapelle-dirty-from-viking2101)
Lewhasreddit: Shit stain on her shirt... That brought me to tears my friend!
BigBobsBootyBarn: Glad something brought a little laughter! Any update on the situation?
Lewhasreddit: All was lost with this one! Met someone else that didn't know of my flatulent habits... All is well in the end!
BigBobsBootyBarn: Good to hear my friend.
| 8 | 47.625 | |
1408626254 | 1408632160 | t3_2e6cud | t5_2to41 | 7 | Jon-Osterman: TIFU by telling the person at the dining hall counter that I'll be back in a bit
So there was this super-long line for this one dining hall, and I offered to get dinner for this person I was supposed to meet.
We got in the line and waited, until we were a couple of spots from the counter. Then he told me he had a couple of things in his pockets that he'd rather keep in the lockers. So I thought "okay it's gonna take just a bit, he'll be back in a jiffy" and told him "Alright, I'll hold a spot for you" Moments later I was at the front of the line and he still wasn't back.
Confused where he went, I told the person at the counter what happened and I'd be back in a few moments, and wanted to know if that's okay. She was really nice and said 'sure!' (I wasn't stopping the line, she just said that she'd recognize me when I come back and not think I was butting in)
So I searched for him for a bit and wonder where the hell has he gone. Turns out he went right to the right to the back of this 200-person line and decided to wait again.
Then I told him that the person at the front's waiting and we should go, and he said "oh right! shit" and we ran to the counter.
Then there were a few guys in the front who thought we're just butting in and tried to stop us, before I turned around and looked at a good 10 people who, along with those guys, looked back at me like I swindled their life's savings through a Ponzi scheme.
A half-minute of confusion later the counter person said "oh it's you!" and let me and the other person in.
tl;dr waited in line to dine at a dining hall with an acquaintance, guy absent-mindedly went to back of the line, when I came back people thought I butted in
i_go_to_uri: I love when that happens, because you can rightfully laugh in everyones face and waltz right in ahead of everyone
Sajamba: The rush, the feeling of superiority over your peers. *Yes, I belong at the front. Deal with it.*
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408627314 | 1408633188 | t3_2e6eb9 | t5_2to41 | 14 | SICCSE7EN: TIFU by accidentally confessing things through rap
TIFU
My fuck up wasn't today, just for full clarity. My mother is currently ill with cancer, they think they caught it early enough and are hoping she's clear but she has another operation to see if they can find anymore but their quite positive it hasn't spread. Because of all this she's at home a lot on a phased return to work.
So she said to me: "I'm just going out, I'll only be about an hour." So as always I set my little studio up, get my lyrics out set the beat up and I go to town on a song called ["I Quit"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMEorLYwAv8) For those that don't want to listen to the song in the chorus I sing:
*I quit my job to smoke weed and write rhymes,
I don't really know what I wanna do in life
I grip my pen and hit my joint until I'm high
Life's for livin' so I do what I want I'm allllriight*
The entire song is based on the premise of me quitting a job to smoke weed and write rhymes. I quit my job via email because I'm a right bastard. I sent them an email saying "I'm not coming in anymore and I can't work my notice so you'll have to fire me, thanks for the opportunity."
I told my mum that got let go because there was too many people working the same job and I was the last they hired. She also doesn't
know I frequent /r/trees and partake in the inhalation of the 'erb.
So I'm feeling good I finish up the song and I'm listening to it, it feels finished and I'm happy with how it's looking I'm yet to edit it and get everything sounding how I need it in the mix but to me it sounds nice raw.
I'm coming downstairs cause my throat is a little horse (I didn't bring any water with me to record) and I see my mum sat downstairs. A little shocked, as with how loud I was being there's no way someone was in the house and didn't hear.
So I say, "Oh, I thought you was going out?" Without looking at me she said "Nope" I said "How come?" "Didn't want to" I asked "What's wrong? Are you ok?" "Yep"
She heard and wont speak to me.
**TL;DR I accidentally fessed up to my mum that I quit my job to smoke weed and rap via the medium of rap and she was not impressed.**
TydeQuake: In my opinion, you already fucked up when you quit your job. You have quit your job, and now live off your ill mother's money and smoke weed. That's pretty bad, and your mother sure doesn't like it. I don't know how old you are though.
SICCSE7EN: Well I quit the job because I had to get up at 2am, then walk an hour and a half, and wait till 4am to get the bus to my job, then wait another 30 minutes till I go in and work at 5 till 1:30 and I was falling asleep home on the train everyday, it was killing me I couldn't do it.
She cooks for me but that's it I pay rent and I live off making music. It's not a massive amount but I have money for everything I need.
TydeQuake: Never mind then. Sorry for making assumptions.
SICCSE7EN: No problem!
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1408612229 | 1409170570 | t3_2e5ytc | t5_2to41 | 33 | DoYouEvenSquatss: TIFU: 5 minutes. $600
Today I fucked up hard. I just bought a motorcycle from a friend. The bike I have wanted forever. It has been tagged and on the road for less than a week. It has been dropped by the previous owners family member and he has been paying for the parts to fix it. Part of the bike that was damaged was the stator cover. As I was changing the oil I thought it would be a great time to put the new stator cover on, so I took the old one off. I couldn't remove one of the wires so I thought fuck it I'll do it another time. I place the cover back on and fill my bad with oil. Turn key, ignition on, press start. Nothing. Hmm must be a dead battery I thought. I placed my charger on the battery and leave to eat dinner. I come back and crank the bike over to hear a grinding noise. Not just any grinding noise but the kind that sounds like money falling out of your wallet. Pop the cover back off and find one of the alignment sleeves had stuck to the rotor and tore up the stator and flywheel. No bike rides for me for another week.
TL;DR Didn't see a part, failed to start, fucked up my stator, can't ride till later.
[deleted]: Saw title and thought it was going to be a thread about a high priced hooker....was a little disappoint but can feel your pain.
I have been a car/bike guy for about 20 years and no matter what you think you know, stupid mistakes happen.
DoYouEvenSquatss: At least it was a stupid mistake that is easily fixable. Between jumping through hoops to get a bank loan, actually getting the bike, and then affording the ridiculous amount of money it cost get it registered it just seems like one thing after another. Soon as I can drag knee around a corner again everything will be all better.
Punkalone: At least you didn't quit your job to smoke weed and write rhymes
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1408627867 | 1408629407 | t3_2e6f4k | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating 2 hits LSD by myself sporadically
Codehhhhh: This post was retarded, especially when you said "MXE doses"
[deleted]: Do you just question my lingo in regards to drugs or do you think I'm kidding about the drugs of use in question?
If you were referring to the fact that it is absolutely absurd for me to be fucking around with a dissociative chemically tweaked to specifically be more potent than but mimic ketamine on such a regular basis to be able to refer to it as "MXE doses" then yes I agree, my use has become a bit, erm, uh, advanced :D
| 3 | 1 | |
1408630431 | 1408660519 | t3_2e6j8a | t5_2to41 | 6,695 | mexicanlizards: TIFU by taking advice from reddit
Someone in another thread said you can stop a mosquito bite from itching by putting boiling water on it since it denatures proteins or something, so I tried it on a mosquito bite on my knuckle.
Now my knuckle has a burn on it and still itches, but also hurts when I scratch it.
Thanks reddit.
**EDIT:** Okay, now to make up for being such jerks go post something nice everyone can do over on [/r/multitudeofdrops](http://www.reddit.com/r/multitudeofdrops/) to balance it out.
youngbl00d2: You should keep your knuckles in a freezer for 6 hours to counter act the burn, you may get frost bite, but hey at least your hand won't itch anymore.
mexicanlizards: =(
[deleted]: Why did you think putting a substance that was twice the temperature of a livable environment on your hand was a smart idea?
Whyyyyyyy
mexicanlizards: Cause itchy =(
AriAurea: Rub alcohol on it.
Or if you have some outside, put mud on it. What I do instead of scratching, I dig a nail into it.
MJOLNIRdragoon: >Or if you have some outside
I don't know what this means, but it made me laugh.
smaug13: > Or put mud, if you have some outside, on it.
Ruined that one for you :D
MJOLNIRdragoon: Haha, yeah, thats a bit more clear. I honestly read AriAurea's post as saying "If the world exists outside of your house, put some mud on it"
OhMrBigshot: Are you a programmer?
MJOLNIRdragoon: Working on it. CS major.
sirin3: Hello World!
| 12 | 557.916667 | |
1408629134 | 1408640227 | t3_2e6h4w | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: Tifu by having a condom baby.
My boyfriend and I just started dating, so the sex has been gnarly. We were going at it hard one morning. Like scratches on the wall hard. I finally came so he wanted to wait a bit until he did.
We finish and he goes to pull out and this was our conversation:
-Where's the condom?
-It's on your penis.
-No, it's not.
-Fucking what?
We're both freaking out and then my boyfriend sees the open part sticking out of my vagina. Being the gentleman he is, he pulls it out while looking directly into my eyes. This look of sadness engulfs his face.
To break the ice, I say, "That's pretty embarrassing." He goes, "Heh, yeah." He then said he needs a drink.
He finally came back and apologized. He said he couldn't help but imagine I was having a condom baby. I think he's a keeper.
tl;dr My bf and I had a condom baby in my bajingo.
Symml: "Bajingo" lol
GlitterQueef: I'm going to start using this instead of Vahjayjay
| 3 | 6 | |
1408631426 | 1408655608 | t3_2e6kur | t5_2to41 | 912 | gorinrockbow: TIFU by asking a girl how much she charges
First of all, sorry for my english, it's not my first language. But I'll try to do my best :) It's a bit short too, but my friends seems to like this story so maybe you will enjoy it too.
So, this fuck up happened a few years ago. I was 17 or 18 at the time and went during the summer to all the music festival I could. After a few weeks of partying and drinking all the the time, my mind was not always clear and I often made mistake when speaking.
Between two shows, I met some friends, who were with a really cute girl I never saw before. Please note that we were talking in french, it is needed for the rest of the fu.
So, I want to be nice and ask her name (in bad drunk french "c'est comment ?", short for "c'est comment ton nom ?" - "what's your name ?") and instead ask her "c'est combien ?", which means "how much is it ?".
I realised that I basically asked her if she was a prostitute and how much she charged, and being a dumb drunk guy, I started to laugh hysterically instead of apologize. Of course, within 2 seconds she slapped me, my friends left, and I was there alone, with no idea neither of her name nor her price.
rayyychul: You can avoid this situation in the future by saying "quoi," which means "what." "Comment" means "how."
gorinrockbow: Je suis francophone... Mais je ne parle pas toujours un français académique :p
rayyychul: Je n'ai jamais entendu "comment" utilisé à la place de "quoi," même dans des situations informelles. Interesting! Where do you live?
(Also, apologies for being presumptuous; your "bad French" description lead me to believe you were not a native speaker.)
FrankGrimesJr: Saying "comment?" instead of quoi is common in Quebec
rayyychul: Huh, strange. Not something I ever observed or picked up on there. The more you know!
unreasonably_sensual: It's because when asking for someone's name in French, you don't say "*What* is your name." You ask (formally, at least) "Comment tu t'appelles?" Which basically translates into "*How* do you refer to yourself?"
Also, *Que* would have been the proper form of "what" for that question, since that's the pronoun version. I think *Quoi* is used in place of an object (I could be wrong, though; it's been a few years).
**Edit:** Example: Qu'est-ce que tu t'appelles? (although I don't think any Francophones would ask this way). I guess you could also say "Ton nom, c'est quoi?" Someone might have to verify that for me.
CErratum: I'd always seen it structured as "Comment t'appelles-tu?"
Edit: and "C'est quoi ton nom?"
crappyoats: moi aussi
| 9 | 101.333333 | |
1408633297 | 1408743846 | t3_2e6o23 | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by slapping my best friend's ass
So like almost every other TIFU, this happened a few weeks ago. I was walking on the trail with by best friend, a girl, and a mutual friend, a guy. Me and my best friend were walking a bit behind the other guy, and we were talking just fine. Things had been getting romantic between us lately so I figured, hey, I'm gonna make a move on her. I decide on holding her hand because of how simple, yet effective it is. As I swoop in to hold her hand in mine, I trip... on a flat piece of pavement, and in the process, my hand which was previously swooping in for her hand at a high velocity, it instead hits another target.. her ass. As it hits, you can just hear a nice loud *crack*, in hindsight, it was probably one of the best ass-slaps in the history of the world. Very rich and full. However, it didn't sit too well with my best friend. She blushed and walked ahead, while my friend ahead just gave me this really shameful head shake.
TL;DR Went to hold hand of best friend, slapped ass instead. Awkwardness ensued for the next week
Im_a_male_nurse: How hard were you gonna grab her hand? To make a noise like that, maybe its better off you slapped her ass.
Deus_Solis: Not very hard, but when I tripped, I stumbled forward and by trying to balance myself, I slapped her ass hard.
Im_a_male_nurse: She liked it...no worries
Big_D_Man: I agree with him ^ if she didn't get mad at you you're good. Next time just play it off with the old ;)
thatryanguy82: Going to have to agree. That she merely blushed and hurried on ahead rather than being shocked and crying out "Hey!" or the likes, would indicate that it's something she's thought about.
Thing is though, that even if she's thought about it, she might not have expected you to be the kind of person who would do such a thing, so until you know either way, you might want to err on the side of caution going forward, rather than making it into a thing.
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1408635586 | 1408665549 | t3_2e6s2x | t5_2to41 | 424 | Invisible_Strangler: TIFU, by making a younger staff member cry
I'm a security guard at a pretty small supermarket.
The store was empty minus two customers, so I thought I'd do a quick spot of shopping and grab some dinner before closing. The younger staff member (Who is about 15 years old) in mention was my sales person. As she was scanning my items I noticed she had red knuckles, so I made a dumb joke about her getting in to bare knuckle boxing / fight club.
Skip ahead to today, as my shift is about to finish the manager of the store approaches me and tells me that "**the young girl was in tears to me yesterday after your comment**" and notifies that she has eczema (She's always wearing stockings and a jacket so I've never noticed), and is obviously uncomfortable about it.
So yeah, that's my fuck up.
Big_Tex_Balls: The first rule of fight club is we don't talk about fight club...
albinosamosa: whats the second rule?
loosebowls: If anyone asks why your knuckles are red blame it on eczema.
albinosamosa: http://i.imgur.com/13JLoJ6.gif
Adolf_von_Schwaggin: what's the name of that woman? i need it for science...
MrCreeperPhil: Alison Brie. Most notorious scientific discoveries are a gif of her jerking a few invincible dicks and taking an invisible facial, and a photoshoot with a see-through picture.
littlecampbell: You should Uh. Share some scientific links
creepy_tendencies: /r/AlisonBrie
| 9 | 47.111111 | |
1408636334 | 1408713279 | t3_2e6tf3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | rthague: TIFU by not paying attention to where I was walking at night in flip flops.
TL;DR at bottom.
Last night I was walking to my truck and was about to go hang out with a friend. I opened the door and as I was about to step in, I felt a sharp pain in my left foot. I pulled out my flashlight to see what I had stepped on, thinking it was a branch with a thorn in it. I looked down and saw a snake crouched and ready to defend itself. I looked a little closer and to my horror noticed it was a copperhead that had bit me. I live in the woods and snakes are common, including copperheads and rattlesnakes, but not usually on our driveway. I went back inside and had my mother give me a ride to the ER, where the doctors confirmed that the symptoms were those of a copperhead bite. They gave me some morphine for the pain, which felt like someone was stabbing me over and over with several needles. They also gave me a tetanus shot while they called poison control, who advised them of the proper amount of antivenom to give me. They also transferred me to a hospital (the ER I went to was in an outpatient facility) so they could keep me overnight. Today I feel fine, and the antivenom has clearly done it's job, but last night was absolutely miserable. They also decided they want me to stay here tonight as well, just to be safe, because they said the venom will stay in my system longer than the antivenom. I am also missing out on 2 days of work and pay.
TL;DR I was bit by a copperhead snake last night and had a miserable night followed by 2 days in the hospital and 2 days of missed work and pay.
catman420: Wait for the bill, friend. I feel you. Despite being one of the least venomous snakes in the U.S. copperheads are one of the worst to be bitten by. Not only is crofab insanely expensive, but it can have a lot of side effects when administered to an Agkistrodon bite vic.
Honestly, that was very very unlucky, you'll usually see dry bites in this situation, venom is a very important resource to the animal, and is unlikely to use it in self defense. You probably stumbled across a male who was cranky because it's breeding season, or a female who's cranky because it's a female.
NormalGuy1234: I assumed it was Australia lol
catman420: No Agkistrodon species in Australia, they're native to the states and northern costa rica.
Crotalus: There's also a genus of snakes in Australia with the common name "copperhead".
rthague: Yeah, this was in the central United States. Although I've heard about some of the creatures you've got down in Australia. I think I'll take an American copperhead over those any day.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1408636287 | 1408656046 | t3_2e6tbd | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by working out
So I am a pretty slim dude 184cm 64kg (6'1 and 141 pounds). I used to play a lot of soccer to stay in shape but I quit 2 years ago and since then haven't done anything to stay fit.
I don't know why but today I got the fantastic idea to work out. I ran up and down the stairs for a good 4 minutes and after that I did 2 times 5 pushups and 20 situps. After that I ran up and down the stairs again. long story short, I had to puke and arrived too late at the toilet and proceeded to puke all over myself and the restroom.
I had to clean everything up while feeling sore and disgusted. I even ended up stepping in some puke-bits (my delicious self-made sandwich =(). Now here I am, sitting on the couch feeling both humiliated and extremely sore.
There goes my plan to get back into shape.
Sorry, no pic of the puke'd restroom. Was too busy feeling like shit and cleaning up my puke.
demhandz81: 6'1, 141
Skeletor is that you?
notasinglfckwasgivn: BMI 18.9
Very thin but not unhealthy
BigBobsBootyBarn: BMI is the worst way to measure someones health. Although the standard deviation doesn't take a turn for the worse until you start measuring chubbers vs lifters. So I guess my post really doesn't have a point now that I think about it.
8BitPoro: But the name means everything
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1408638051 | 1408714694 | t3_2e6wjr | t5_2to41 | 97 | throwaway565356: TIFU by having sex with my ex-girlfriend in a public park.
I broke up with my exgirlfriend about two months ago today. It was a pretty bad breakup and today was supposed to clear the air between us and get rid of all the bad blood so hopefully we could go back to being friends.
I picked her up from her house and went to a local park to just talk things out. Everything was going as expected with a few tears being shed etc. Then all the sudden she gives me this look and then we're making out.
She is in a relationship. With a decent guy.
Fuck.
So things start getting hot and heavy and I start fingering her until inevitably we end up banging in a public park. If you've ever had breakup sex or getting back together sex, it was kinda somewhere in the middle of those. At the time, it was awesome.
Ever heard of post-fap regret. Yep.
We both realize what the fuck we just did and freak out a bit. We both calm down and realize that this never should have happened and that her boyfriend can't know etc. I apologized to her. After all this was supposed to be so we could go back to being platonic friends. Not fuck buddies. So TIFU by banging my exgirlfriend who is in a relationship with a guy I like. In a park.
[deleted]: She fucked up.
You won.
chakravanti93: Nix that, he apologized. Close, but no cigar.
throwaway565356: Did I enjoy it? Yeah, of course. But like I said, I like the dude she is with now so it felt real wrong. Plus it's not like I didn't know what was going down. We both did. Doesn't make cheating right. I apologized for fucking with a relationship I support.
chakravanti93: You're not cheating. If you like the guy be honest and at worst apologize to *him.*
Fuck her. Would it make a difference if you *didn't* like the guy? Why do *you* like him?
It's not like you're ruining her. Damage was done before they got together anyway. At best, he now knows she's easy and can deal with it. At worst, he already knows and you're just rubbing it in.
justfornoatheism: both are in the wrong, her more so than him given the fact that she is the one in a relationship. assuming he knows the guy it is a betrayal of trust. enabling someone to be adulterous is still a shitty thing to do.
chakravanti93: He's "enabling" her? That's fucking bullshit. Bitch can get dick any hour of the day. He didn't "enable" shit.
She's a slut and that's that.
justfornoatheism: he enabled their hookup. not enable her to cheat.
chakravanti93: He didn't enable shit. If she gonna be faithful it don't matter. She isn't gonna be faithful. If she'll fuck him; she'll fuck anyone.
Think about it like this. If that's YOUR girlfriend. You gonna let her tell you it was HIS fault?
"It's okay baby. Most guys aren't like that and it only happened once...right?"
I mean, if you think this is his fault, you're a sucker and a bitch gonna play you.
justfornoatheism: This may come as a surprise to you, but more than a single party can be at fault in almost any incident.
chakravanti93: Maybe if you're God, standing idly by whispering casual judgements only schizophrenics listen to.
It's about perspective. OP doesn't have any consequences. You can give him shit but if he has a basic sense of self esteem he'll tell you to fuck off.
Slut is going to take whatever she can get away with; so anything she says is worthless.
Cheated on dude's perspective is the only one that matters. From his perspective. If he blames the other guy, he's a fool who will get cheated on again. If he blames himself, it'll become a cuckold fetish but if he blames her he can ditch her right off and go find something better or at least take emotional advantage of her weakness but thats some dark wizard level shit, dude. You aint ready for THAT.
So you toss around your holier than thou trash and enjoy your slutwife because I probably will too.
justfornoatheism: I really don't know where you're getting the impression that I would blame the guy entirely. If it were to happen to me, my immediate response would be to put the blame on her and end it. Sure I would be disappointed with the dude if I knew him, probably angry that he'd do it knowing about me.
If either of them had at least a mutual respect for each other its not just the romantic relationship being compromised, its a breach of whatever trust and respect they may have had. If someone you know fucks your girlfriend and the guys response was "sorry bro, she would have fucked someone else anyways" that would just make me want to beat the living shit out of him.
| 12 | 8.083333 | |
1408637735 | 1408648626 | t3_2e6vy3 | t5_2to41 | 45 | iwontrecord: TIFU by saying "i'm sorry" after sex
after sex with my **girlfriend**, two seconds later i cummed, i said "i'm sorry" .... yeah...
She asked me why, and i think i answered "for cumming now" which makes it worse.
goddamn beta
BigBobsBootyBarn: Nut up
beat her bean with your tongue for a bit
Wait til your ready for round 2
Seriously this is not rocket science brochacho. It's not like you can't have sex again in 15 minutes if you blast to fast. There's no "game over" sign that pops up and you have to wait until tomorrow or insert two tokens to try again. The best part, you get yours twice. TWICE. Just keep up the foreplay until you're ready to go again.
liljondickpic: As a female who has an ex-boyfriend who had the tendency to cum quicker than me.. this advice is the best way to handle the situation.
However it sounds like she didn't bring it up before you.. try to get yourself some confidence and not mind read whether you're being a disappointment or not. She's your girlfriend and is most likely very understanding and accepting of you.
So yeah, up your pussy eating game and remember she takes you as you are. :)
| 3 | 15 | |
1408642100 | 1408648484 | t3_2e748k | t5_2to41 | 14 | tomthetrololol: TIFU by having sex with my ex UPDATE Learning how to trust again
El3ctr0G33k: I have been on a similar situation in the past, albeit without the agreement to see other people. My ex cheated on me, we stayed together and tried to work it out. I couldn't trust her, I checked her text messages, Facebook, emails, the lot. She was still seeing this guy behind my back and I even caught her out when she said she was staying at her friend's house, I was messaging her friend on fb and found that she wasn't there. And when she was away on work, the guy was visiting her in her hotel. Long story short, as much as I wanted it to work out, it didn't, so yes, I would advise you to run for the hills, but I completely understand why you don't want to. I have no advice for how you can make it work, because I tried everything and failed. I don't think that anyone can truly get the trust back after a betrayal like that, no matter how much you want it and try. Regardless of whether she stays faithful in the future, you will always have that doubt niggling away at you. And as for the anger, I punched a hole in the wall and scared the shit out of her vwhich I then fixed), depending on how much that affects your Mrs, you can get past it, sometimes they will always have that fear afterwards.
All I know is that I'm better off without her, I moved on and became much happier. She destroyed me and I am scarred for life from it, because no matter how much I love my current SO (and child with another on the way), I will never let myself get hurt like that again.
I'm sooery, I don't know if this has helped you in any way.
tomthetrololol: I'm glad to hear you made it past a similar situation. I have to admit there is doubt in my mind but this week of not talking, I hope, will show her that I am beginning to trust her again. I really can't see myself with anyone else and I really believe we have a connection.
I know that's not how it worked out for you but I can see now that if we aren't what I think we're meant to be that there is another side. And that it isn't the end of my life. Thanks a lot for the story, it really helped put things into perspective for me.
unicornpeen: I had a similar experience as the /u/El3ctr0G33k . It never works out, run for the hills. It's stupid for you to be angry at the guy she slept with, when you should be mad at her. You will never trust this person 100% again, any deference you would have had to trust, is now going to breed suspicion. Just save yourself some time and heartache, do yourself and her a favor, and end it. Don't be the sucker that gets left a few months down the road and is castrated by heartache. Be a man, and tell her to hit the streets.
tomthetrololol: Thanks for your thoughts dude, appreciate it but I think I'm going to try again. After reading some other comments on here I've really become detached from this ugly relationship and feel more confident in myself. I'm going to try to work it out with her, worst case scenario has already happened and best case is we do work it out. The way I'm looking at it now is it can't get any worse so fuck it. Thanks again!
unicornpeen: But it can get worse. You can be lulled into a false sense of security, you can envision a wedding and then actually plan one, you can invite all your friends and family. You can get married and feel like everything is going right in the world. You can have a loving and fulfilling relationship. And then one year later, she can lie to you about where she is. She'll say she's "at this person's house" but you can hear traffic and car noises. You will know she's lying and when you call her on it, she'll hang up on you. She won't return your calls. And then, you'll find out she's been sleeping with a co-worker for six months of your one year marriage. You'll learn how bad it hurts to have your heart stomped on as she packs her stuff and leaves a couple days later. You'll be continuously hurt for months as she drags out the divorce that you never even wanted. Your heart will break when you realize that she stole your photo albums, the one with your childhood pictures and pictures of your friends from before you met. You'll suffer and suffer for years thinking to yourself "what could I have done differently". And eventually you'll realize, I should have left that cheater after the first incident. Don't be that idiot. Do HER a favor and dump her. She's not going to learn to be good for anyone if you don't. She doesn't respect you, she doesn't have a problem lying and hiding things from you, she doesn't have a problem making you the bad guy and herself a victim, she's going to use you to feel good about herself and when that stops working, she'll use another guy behind your back. You cannot fix this and you shouldn't want to. Get out while you still can!
tomthetrololol: I'll really think about it dude. Thanks, I hadn't actually considered the long term.
| 7 | 2 | |
1408637457 | 1408681119 | t3_2e6vf1 | t5_2to41 | 40 | firstpostimalurker: TIFU by going to a funeral on acid
This didnt happen today but it did about a year ago. i finally decided to start telling my stories. The day started off with me wanting to pick up some weed so i called my dealer and he told me that we had to drive to his friends house. so we drove over to his house and i told him that i wanted a $20 sack. he asked if i wanted anything else and i asked what he had. he started naming everything i had heard of and some experimental drugs i knew nothing about. i had always wanted to try acid but i didnt know what to expect. i told them it would be my first time so he said he could give me the equivalent of 5 hits for $25. the deal was too good to pass up and he put it into a can of soda i had with me. i started to head home alone and the last thing they said was have fun. i leave the can of soda alone thinking if i want to drink the entire thing or not and meet up with my friends to smoke a few bowls and hang out. i tell them and they all think it would be a horrible idea to drink it all for my first trip. im not a smart person. without hesitating another second i down the entire thing and my friends start rushing me to drive them home before i start tripping. as we are heading to my car i get a text from my mom telling me how we are going to a funeral for her grandpa the next morning. i dun fucked up now... its only 11 at night, the effects should be over by the next morning right? so i drop off my friends and get home 20 minutes later and sit in my room waiting for what felt like forever. nothing. did i get ripped off? i was starting to get mad and felt relieved for a little bit at the same time. it had been an hour and a half since i drank it so i decided to take a shower. thats when shit started to hit the fan. my hair on my arms and legs started growing and it made me laugh. this isnt so bad. i can handle this! so i get out of the shower and lay in my bed to watch some tv. no matter what show i watched the peoples heads kept growing bigger and smaller and it was confusing me. then the trailer for Hotel Transylvania came on with that skull phone ringing and i noped the fuck out of watching tv. So it was me sitting on my bed in the darkness in thought. everything could be answered by just saying what the fuck? or simply what? i was confused about everything and just entered retard mode. i broke myself and this was just an hour and a half into the trip. i start texting everyone i know about how long this will last for and if its normal to feel this way. i got no replys. so now im a lonely retard sitting in the darkness scared of everything. and that went of the entire night. the morning came around and i wasnt having visuals but everything was different to me. i seriously thought i was in the future somehow because i kept hearing buzzing sounds like flying cars and what not (thats what my mind made it out to be). My mom comes to my room and tells me to start getting ready so i attempt that task. pants? check! shirt? check! shoes? check! attila sweatshirt that says "payback is a bitch" on the back? check! seemed fine for me to wear at the time so i got into my grandpas car and we were off to the funeral. i was silent the entire time just trying to understand how i got to where i was without everyone knowing something was up. we got to the graveyard where the services where held and i know everyone was looking at me. i was stumbling as i walked over the fucking grave sights to get to the chairs to sit down and blend in. the entire time i was just staring at the water in the pond and time seemed to go by fast. next thing i know im being taken home. silence the entire time im just happy to have made it through the day. once home i go to my room and attempt to sleep. nope not happening, its now been about 15 hours and im still at an IQ level of a potato. it was another hour or so before i was able to fall asleep and when i woke up it was the next day. my family never knew i was on acid somehow and i got away with it. For future reference, dont go to a funeral on acid, and never ever take 5 hits for your first time unless you want to go full potato.
dam1985: Ah.... Massive wall of text. ABANDON effort to read!
rdrptr: I agree...but the effort is worth it dude, it's hilarious
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1408638464 | 1415133703 | t3_2e6xci | t5_2to41 | 2 | firemonkey1313: TIFU by letting my phone autocorrect "tofu" to "tifu"
It was ironic.
TL;DR - I had the booze, she had the chronic, the Lakers beat the Supersonics.
demhandz81: This post sucks
firemonkey1313: Oh my god what am I gonna do with all the fucks I give?
demhandz81: Not sure that sounds like a personal decision. Possibly save them for later?
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1408642316 | 1408679957 | t3_2e74n5 | t5_2to41 | 226 | Ithurtsdownther: TIFU by letting her go ontop... [nsfw]
So we had basically planned a 4 day sexathon. She flew in and we grabbed some drinks before we went to the room. Things are going good and she goes ontop. I'm thinking she is going to work it in because that's what we always do.
Nope... She slams down and I feel a sharp shooting pain she she me flinch so she backs off. Next thing I know there is blood everywhere. She tore my frenulum. Now I feel like Austin Powers when he lost his mojo.
demhandz81: So did you at least finish?
comaman: I know I did
CosmoAce: Same. *high five*
comaman: ✋
Marquetan: Sterile high five!
| 6 | 37.666667 | |
1408078069 | 1408645659 | t3_2dlxkk | t5_2to41 | 3 | RachealHolland: TIFU by not giving my new friend my contact details/what I wanted to give
Hi all this is my first post and the person in this said this site is cool. Ha ha. Anyway, so I during the course that I just finished I often chatted with someone closer to my age group, at lunch or in class or sometimes en route to class,seem to get along with them and though they would make me a good friend.
for few days I think about giving them some paper with my contact details on it but keep chickening out as unsure how they will react. Then 1 day( the day before this post) we go bowling after class I mention going by myself and they offer to come, that was fun to chat and hang out after class and I feel lol hey if they offer to bowl with us they will be ok with being friends, and despite the perfect chance to slip the note into their bag while they go to arcade area or just handing it to them at the station a little latter I don't.
Fast forward to the next day the last day of the course when I intend to give the note at some point and I do but only as they leave early feeling sick and really out of it as it was then or never. Although they take it and all as they are half out of it not sure what they though of it or if I will hear from them any time soon.
2 hrs later I realise I gave the wrong note!! The 1 I game them had friends with a question mark and my number with would love to hang out sometimes or something like that and bowling with a question mark on the back as earlier in the day I was going to ask by note if they wanted to bowl. The newer didn't ask friends just had contact details and text or email whenever I love getting them.
I feel like I FU as I should have just asked for their contact details or gave it to them yesterday as not sure what will happen now. This person also told me they like to read this section so I hope they see it and my username and reply in a comment or such. I know this is probably a silly or childish FU but I wanted to share it.
A socially awkward chick.
Hope you enjoyed!!
dam1985: Your writing is dribble...
RachealHolland: Why exactly if your going to insult me at least say more then that!
| 3 | 1 | |
1408643083 | 1408647631 | t3_2e7663 | t5_2to41 | 10 | larrythelarvitar: TIFU by deciding to walk home
I was going out with some friends to a party, which was hosted at one of their friend's house. Their friend is a nice enough guy, I go out with my friends and him a lot, but sometimes I feel he has something against me. Anyway, at the party we smoke quite a lot of weed (0 tolerance) and play a few drinking games. I lost £10 at some point and started stumbling around looking for it.
I don't remember much past the last drinking game, and people started going to bed. The host, who earlier said I couldn't stay, said I could crash on a sofa, but I felt it was only said because my friends (who were staying) had asked. So I declined and walked the 2-3 miles home, and passed out on my floor.
I woke up early for work (uuugh) and checked my phone. I had a text from one of my friends, accusing me of stealing £20. Wtf. The guy hosting had left a note hanging around the house, but I've never stole money, why would I? Apparently me deciding to go home was suspicious and me losing money made it even more suspicious.
Anyway, I get home and sure enough, there's a £20 note under my clothes, where I slept. I've told my friend that it was unintentional, I had no idea when I picked it up, I assume it was when I was looking for my money. So now I look like a massive liar and thief, and my friend-of-a-friend will hate me forever.
If I'd stayed, hopefully i would have realised and just put it back. Ah well. I fucked up
onwisconsn: And who leaves money hanging around their house to be taken, and then realizes it is missing either that night or early the next morning and automatically assumes that you took it? Something doesn't seem right. I obviously don't know your friends, but it seems like you were either set up, or you took it and they actually did realize it was missing that quickly. It might be a prank to freak you out. Did you black out or pass out at all during the night?
larrythelarvitar: I don't know why he left it hanging around. I honestly don't see why I would be set up, and I don't think it was a prank, because all my money is in my bank account, and I don't know where I could have gotten £20 from except that party. I didn't pass out, I remember playing guitar hero, and I remember sitting outside a lot, but not too much else tbh.
onwisconsn: I am going to make some assumptions on how you presented the story, so sorry if I am way of base on any of it. First, it sounds like you might be less tight with this group than with some of your other friends. After all, ALL of them were offered to stay over, and you were only told yes (after being told no) when this became apparent. You also mention that you generally get along with this "acquaintance", but sometime sense that he doesn't care for you that much. The reason I suggest it might be a trick is that I have personally know some people that I used to casually hang out with that would possibly do the following: Someone notice money hanging out of the pocket of someone's pants that may or may not be (possibly obnoxiously) drunk or wasted. They think it is funny to screw with you, and pick your pocket and then watch as "trashed" you tries to find it. When they get the opportunity, they secretly slip a 20 in your pocket to really mess with your head. Then, perhaps later on, they decide to really mess with you and claim that they are missing the money. Maybe nobody but 1 of them did it and the others are unaware. No matter what, I think that the acquaintance was either the one to do it or in on it. If your gut was right about him not liking you (and personally my gut has almost always be right about this), it would be a brilliant way of playing a joke on you at best, and driving a wedge between you and your friends (so they don't associate with you) at worst.
larrythelarvitar: I don't know, I've known my friends about 4 years, and him about 1. My friends moved down from "up North" and then the other "acquaintance" moved down last year. I don't really know what to think, but I think if it was a joke my friends weren't in on it. I saw them earlier to give it them back, and they only seemed to half-believe me. But ah well, I think I'm probably at fault here, I should have just stayed over, but I didn't want to keep it, I don't steal money, and I don't plan to change that anytime soon.
onwisconsn: He is what I would say to my friends if I was you: I didn't intentionally take it. If I had, why in the world would I come straight out and tell you that I found it when accused? If I was dishonest enough to take it, wouldn't I keep my mouth shut and deny it so there was at least a glimmer of doubt of me having it? And why would I risk ruining our friendships over a 20?
larrythelarvitar: Pretty much what I have said. This won't ruin friendships or anything like that, but I might just spend this weekend between my house and work.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1408642988 | 1408704083 | t3_2e75zw | t5_2to41 | 12 | adrianmakedonski: TIFU by Telling a Shopkeeper to Kill Himself
This was during summer 2011 and I was in Macedonia. I speak the language fine, but there are some words that sound similar when spoken.
I went to a local store to buy some snacks with friends one night when I saw some Kinder Eggs on the shelf. We can't legally have these in America, so I got excited and decided to purchase a few. I was 17 at the time, so the shopkeeper told me that those are for kids. This is where I fucked up.
I meant to say to him, "but they're good!", Thinking that that would be sufficient explanation for my childish purchase. The translation for that phrase is "no, ubavi se!". What I said was, "no, ubi se". I told him to go kill himself. I thought maybe he didn't notice, but he stared at me with a piercing, knowing glare. I haven't gone back to that shop since.
Jackhaymaker: Accidentally asked someone in Chinese if they were pregnant, rather than meaning "Did you have a cold".
acun1994: Wait what? Those 2 phrases sound nothing alike in Mandarin. Or at least the common phrases used. Care to enlighten?
Jackhaymaker: Yeah, sorry, I sounded a bit generic.
It has a little back story to it. I was in my Chinese lesson, noting that my teacher sounded ill, so I asked her in Chinese
"Did you have a cold" (past tense using 了) in a grammatically incorrect way by saying
“你有了咳嗽吗？“ but of course, this is incorrect because you're meant to say “你咳嗽了吗？”. By saying “你有了…" I was saying are you pregnant.
acun1994: Lol. Yeah, it's quite common actually to make this mistake considering a language similar to English is your first language
Jackhaymaker: Haha, yeah. I have this problem every so often. It's amazing how easy it is to do as well sometimes. The problem is that my teacher considers me to speak like a native speaker, so she sometimes might take it as if I'm saying it on purpose ;)
acun1994: Nah don't worry about it. Mandarin is my first language and I too slip up once in a while. Just roll with it. :P
Jackhaymaker: 虽然我从十二岁开始学汉语 （我今年十六岁），但是我说汉语说得不太好。
因为我有时候觉得说汉语挺难的，所以我准备多学汉语，这样我可以跟当地人一起说。^_^
| 8 | 1.5 | |
1408645750 | 1408647482 | t3_2e7bb3 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by being offered a scholarship.
Let me start by giving you a little bit of bit of background info. I live in a city with a local college that is absolutely perfect for architecture (which is basically my dream). Now due to a long boring story that I won't bore you with, I was late to apply for early admission which is required to be considered for a scholarship. I had the required SAT score for a 50% scholarship. But due to my lateness I ended up on the waiting list with people who will be considered for a scholarship if one of the people with higher priority declines.
Now we fast-forward about 4 months( Which is this week) . I get a call from the university for a meeting (to talk about my life to see priority towards me). Apparently I have (now had) a shot at 65%. I got this call while visiting my uncle's house.
**Uncle's background:** ultra rich, doesn't give a shit about anyone else in the world, likes to talk about his ultra richness and enjoys showing he has a lot of connections with people high up in the food chain of society (politicians, big time businessmen, that sort of thing).
So, my uncles asks who that was and I explain to him the call and the story. This is when he does one of his famous "I know that guy!!" speeches just to show off to me that he is important enough to know these kinds of people.
He says "don't worry I'll fix this whole situation"
Before I could ask him to explain what he meant, I noticed he had dialed his phone and was waiting for someone to reply. A few seconds later he proceeds to say **(I'll only mention the important phrases)** : "Hey!! [Insert name here] ... my sister's son got a call from you guys about a scholarship.... oh great so all he needs to do is tell you my name and you'll deal with it...awesome bye"
I was surprised by this *'act of kindness'*. I simply thought "great! maybe he finally did something to help me get this wonderful opportunity." I didn't question it.
The next day I show up for a meeting with this person who ended up being the financial manager of the university. We talk and talk and I keep getting a vibe from this guy implying he doesn't wanna give me a scholarship. In the conclusion of our meeting. He ends the conversation by asking a question that really confused me. **He asked " Why do you want this scholarship?"**
I was so confused by this question since there is only one reason a person would want a scholarship, which is to pay less than the full tuition because it's expensive as hell.
He proceeds to ask why someone related to the **[insert uncle's family name here]** would need financial AID of any kind. He thought I was also rich as hell. **I'm not**
He tried to tell me indirectly off the record that I have lost my chance because there are others who need it more and my '*family*' is rich enough to help me.
I see this uncle once a year, *maybe* twice, and wouldn't dream of actually getting help from him even if I asked. So basically I now lost my chance because he thinks I'm too rich to for it, and am now stuck paying full tuition.
**Tl;dr: I had a chance to get 65% off my tuition but my uncle (whose has never and will never even need to bother himself with considering external help of any kind for himself or his kids) ruined it for me by making the guy who decides who gets how much scholarship help think I don't need it.**
**EDIT:** I should clarify that in this text post, whenever I use the word scholarship, it is partially due to grades and partially due to financial need. This is how this university works for whatever reason.
**EDIT 2:** I should clarify that what I meant was the financial manager considered my case on a personal level and did not handle it professionally. He even admitted "I handled your case as a friend, not an official student" said it as if it was a favor.
dam1985: Go over this guy's head. This one guy shouldn't make assumptions about people's financial situation as a basis for awarding scholarships.
Pharavhor: This university doesn't give scholarships based only on grades. It is an important factor, but they try to keep them for the less privileged kids with good grades instead of giving priority to ultra rich families who could easily afford it.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1408641300 | 1408650403 | t3_2e72pa | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by using cellphone while being sleepy on a high bed
So my dad built a nice wooden intermediate floor last month. My bed went up there, (just the couch) and down a TV room was left. We see movie there. Anyway:
Today I was heading to sleep when I though on bringing my phone with me to read some TIFUs. I did so, to realize the battery was discharged. Connected it to the wall, and started browsing and becoming sleepy. Turned right facing the wall, was not comfortable. Turned right with the cable around my neck, facing the border of the couch and the void. I realize I can let it go without cable by now, the battery is 5% charged. Now this is where i fucked up.
My left hand had reached nirvana under my pillow, so moving it was not an option. So I was left with my right hand abilities to pull the cable off the phone, while handling it. After various intents, i realized it was not necessary to held the phone, just using gravity by holding the cable may get the phone to go free. So I do so.
I grab the cable and start making a pendulum of my phone. I don't even know what was I thinking. All of this with one eye open, since I was almost asleep. Finally the phone gets free and flies for what appeared to be 10 long seconds till it hit the ground. :O
TLDR I destroyed it.
therealteej: That was hard to read.
[deleted]: Shit! I believed I had mastered english... :O hahaha
Since you are probably a native speaker could you spot one of my rookies mistakes?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408647303 | 1408695722 | t3_2e7ec5 | t5_2to41 | 23 | it624: TIFU by being honest to my girlfriend...
So, my (now ex-) girlfriend and I were spending a nice day together, watching a movie, having lunch, etc, at my place.
Then we sit back down, and nothing happens for about 2 min. She then asks:
"Would you rather I just left now?"
Without thinking, I went, "Yeah, probably"....
This did not end well.
yellotkbr: you're only supposed to pretend to be honest. but in actuality you always lie. you can come up with nice little games you play...you know..inside jokes.
Ex: "does this dress look good?" You know that dress is ratchet... say, "It looks great sweety." now laugh inside about how ridiculous she looks in public.
Onihikage: Protip: If you have to lie just to stay in a relationship with someone, they're not worth your time.
Vefantur: Also, if you're lying to stay in a relationship with someone, you're not worth their time.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1408648273 | 1408741993 | t3_2e7g6b | t5_2to41 | 13 | icome2stealsouls: TIFU by playing connect four
As with my most TIFU's, this happened about 2 years ago. I had recently broken up with a girl in January, let's call her Abby, but we remained friends with benefits for a couple of months afterwards. Abby lived in a pretty affluent neighborhood, even in the richer part of the city.
One day on a walk along the stream through the neighborhood, we stubble upon this massive castle completely separated from the rest of the neighborhood. 2 pools. Hot tub ON THE 3RD FLOOR. 2-story guest house. 5 car garage. 4-story house + basement. Pond. Everything you could dream of having built with the house is there. We notice from distance there isn't any furniture in the basement, so we proceed to check out the house.
Its empty. It's completely fucking empty. The electricity works, and the water does too. A ready-to-move-in castle. We check all the doors to see if we can get it, lucky one of the basement floor doors is open. Jackpot.
For months while we were dating, and even after we stopped dating, we had hours upon hours of glorious sex in this house. Every room. Everywhere.
We spent countless hours in this house. It became an escape from the real world. A safe haven.
So in sometime in mid-may, i hit her up and we head over to the mansion.r some fucking reason, i decided that connect four would a great foreplay game. Connect four body parts? Who knows...But this time the door is locked. What do I do? Kick it in like fucking Jack Chan. Manliness at an all-time high.
We're in the basement messing around and having fun as we usually do, when we noticed someone walking outside. SOMEONE ELSE IS FUCKING THERE. We've been going to this house for 6 some odd months and never seen another soul. We panic. We run up a flight of stairs, get in my car, and drive away. Mind you this persons car is parked right next to mine.
We're driving away, and she tells me she forgot her phone. They had my license plate number, and her phone. We decided to go back and try and get convince the person to give her phone back. I'm hiding in the woods, like a giant pussy, while she goes and negotiates to this stranger. I see her crying. I hear police sirens. They put her in cuffs. After the SIXTH cop car pulled into the driveway, I walk out of the woods with my hands up knowing that she's fucked, and I can't let her take all of the blame. I was only 17, and the some wannabe-swat-team cop sprints over, gun pointed, to put me in cuffs.
They split us and ask what happened, lucky we both say that the door was broken already, and that we were just playing some board game.
They let us go, but with 6 months of probation and a class twice a week. We stopped being friends with benefits after that. Worst part, I didn't get my game back.
TL;DR Broke into an empty mansion to get laid, played connect four as foreplay, got caught and arrested with 6-months of probo.
Edit: Spelling.
rrocket_sauce: So did you meet the owners? What were they like?
icome2stealsouls: Nope. I asked to police to be able to apologize, but they said that wasn't a smart idea. It was a man and his wife. Abby said they had a think Russian accent. It w
Svelte_Ninja: Shit guys, the Russians got him mid comment.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408651621 | 1408656848 | t3_2e7mjg | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by using hair removal cream on my ass
HotShane: Mirror, razor, warm water and some shaving cream. Place mirror on floor and crouch down over that bitch. Problem solved my friend.
jobless_hornie: Also try not to take a dump
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408651906 | 1408675672 | t3_2e7n4e | t5_2to41 | 10 | StevenWongo: TIFU by getting scammed over a virtual item worth $170. (offmychest)
So today I got my credit card statement come in and I've been spending too much while I've been jobless and now I have to pay the consequences as I have $10 left on my visa.
I owe them $1,989.23 because I haven't been responsible with my purchasing habits. I have $10 to last me for the next 3-5 weeks and a quarter tank of gas in something that I can only get 250km out of a tank. So I decided to start selling off one of my prized possessions of my in-game items of Counter-Strike Global Offensive.
I ~~have~~ had a in-game knife skin called a Karambit Urban Masked (Field-Tested) and its worth roughly $170 if you don't account for the tax Steam takes from you. I looked at listings from people that wanted my knife, and I found a guy who was willing to pay real money for my knife. This was perfect for me as it's easier than trading for keys and then having to sell those separately.
He offered me 120 euros which is $174 CAD. This was a huge red flag as no one ever really offers more than 80% of the steam listing, but I've been having a shitty week from fighting with my girlfriend who currently isn't talking to me, to getting in fights with my father. I've been pretty much restless for the last few nights with no sleep, a lot having to do with my girlfriend so I thought maybe this guy was just being nice and I was about to have some good luck out of this horrible week.
Well before I ever trade with anyone, I check them out to see if they seem sketchy. This guy had 5 pages of "+rep" so I figured he was a good guy, and going to be true to his word. What I still don't understand is how I missed this huge red flag of his over offering real money.
But as the trade went on, he asked if I would go first because he had more rep. Naturally on a few sub-reddit's here, someone who has lower rep goes first so I agreed. After I traded my knife to him, he blocked me and never sent the money. So I fucked up by being stupid and not being careful with who I was dealing with. I also found out later that the majority of his "rep" was faked and found his second account on which he is transferring my item in between.
Now, I'm out $170 that could have really helped me out with the next few weeks until I start my new job on the second week of September. But I have to drive around to pre-meetings before I even start my training.
On the somewhat bright side though, I passed my physical today for the job. But I fucked up big time and I'm going to struggle for the next few weeks.
**TL:DR** Having a shitty week, need to trade an virtual in-game item for money on PayPal to be able to live for the next few weeks. Ignored a big red flag because I thought maybe I was going to have some good luck and get more than I was asking. Turns out I wasn't and got scammed.
smithrooks: Damn, that sucks. I always sell through the system, it's much safer.
StevenWongo: Problem with going through the system is that I can't really get the funds out unless I buy keys and sell them through PayPal. Multiple postings across sub-reddits here and apparently someone knows the guy and is going to talk to him.
smithrooks: Yea, it's much less convenient, that's the drawback. Good luck with the conversation, hope the redditor gets the guy to give you the money back.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1408651362 | 1408680976 | t3_2e7m27 | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by responding to a message from a married man
Like many single 20-somethings I'm a member of the popular dating site OK Cupid. I live in a major metropolitan area, so I get a lot of creepy messages from men wanting threesomes, affairs, etc. and I usually delete them straight away. Yesterday, though, I got one that was unusually polite and well-written. It said something along the lines of "Just so you know, I'm married. I understand if that's not your thing." There was no picture but the profile was filled out and interesting. I was bored at work and curious. This is where I fucked up.
I wrote back and asked whether he's had any success with using OKC to cheat. We started chatting. I confessed that I don't have any moral opposition to seeing a married man. He gave me his phone number and we started texting. At this point I asked for a picture since I had no idea what he looked like, but he had seen my pictures. He said, "one sec."
While I was waiting for the picture to come through, he said, "My name is [somethingdistinctive]. I work by [metro stop]." I thought, that's funny, I work near there too and there's a guy in my office with that name. Just then, the picture came in. It's him. A senior partner at my firm is trying to cheat on his wife with me.
I panicked. I blocked him on OK Cupid. I thought if I can just back away slowly maybe he won't realize that he knows me. It's a pretty big office; our paths don't cross much. But it was too late, he realized it. "Wait we know each other," he said. "Not my intention."
I just stopped responding because I didn't know what else to do. I've been tiptoeing the office all day today. I'm afraid he's going to want to talk about it. I'd prefer we either pretend it never happened, or just say fuck it and go for it (again, no moral qualms here).
And that's how I learned my lesson about curiosity.
*If you're reading this, I promise not to tell anyone (except all of Reddit, of course)
bedroom_strobes: It makes me sad people can disregard marriage so easily. You should try developing a moral qualm regarding someone's fidelity, but that's just a suggestion.
[deleted]: Why is it morally wrong? What field of ethics do you subscribe to?
lucky_ducker: Are you kidding? Enabling someone to violate their marriage vows, and you see nothing morally wrong? What field of ethics do you subscribe to? I don't need a *name* for my "field of ethics" to say that this is **wrong.**
[deleted]: I don't subscribe to a field of ethics; to me, it is all bullshit.
How do you determine something is **wrong**?
you_troll: You promised a girl you "love" to be with her always, at all cost, and you'd fuck only her at all cost.. Then you proceed to fuck other people in your merry way..
I think it's wrong
Edit: didn't notice you were talking about the girl. Well the girl did have a hand in the guy cheating. So i think it's wrong. Isn't it wrong?
[deleted]: It's a dick move, but why is it **wrong**?
And, what is your rule for determine whether something is wrong or right?
you_troll: Is it right then
[deleted]: What? I didn't say it was right.
you_troll: Well then, the girl did have a hand in the guy cheating. So i think it's wrong.
And since you think ethics is all bullshit, we may disagree on our opinion
[deleted]: I'm simply asking why you think it's wrong.
you_troll: And i answered you why it's wrong.. I too see morality is made up, although I don't think it's bullshit.
I'm not kind of guy who likes to get stepped on, so I don't step on others. Other than that, she can fuck all the guys she wants, but if she expects not to be cheated on someday, then she'd have to rethink her stance on cheating right now
[deleted]: You didn't explain why it's wrong. All you said was having a hand in cheating is wrong. Why is that so? Do you have a set of rules to determine if something is wrong or not?
you_troll: Cheating is wrong since you made a deal with someone you supposedly had an emotional connection with. You made a decision to be exclusive with the other, be it at the eyes of a God or of the Law. The partner trusts you for it and therefore does the same. But it all comes down to being hurt, if it hurts someone, then it's wrong.
[deleted]: >if it hurts someone, it's wrong
That's ridiculously silly logic.
you_troll: It's a simple logic. I lived by it. I know there are exceptions for it, but it never fails me to do the right thing. You've been asking me all about this stuff, then let me ask you what you think is wrong or right?
[deleted]: I don't think anything is right or wrong; have you not been paying attention?
If there's exceptions to your rule of whether something is morally wrong or right, it seems silly to follow that rule.
Breaking up with someone you don't love will hurt them; is that wrong?
Killing someone who is attempting to murder you will hurt them; is that wrong?
you_troll: Ok then. Seems to me you are a completely different person as I am, I won't be able to fully answer your questions.
[deleted]: We are all different people; I don't see why that would prevent you from answering some questions.
you_troll: My context of right and wrong hovers around as to which was taught to me. As to what was taught to me, I can't tell them all. It would be a much better conversation if you just ask me what is wrong and what is not. Rather than asking me why and then blasting me because it's simple.
I'll try to answer you anyway, cheating is wrong because it hurts the person who trusts you to be loyal to her. If it is a situation wherein love is no longer there, then it is acceptable to fuck somebody else asb long as it is mutually discussed. That is my answer, if that is not what you are looking for then be specific of what you want from me.
Besides the point, you are sounding like some guy who is acting high and mighty.
| 20 | 3.4 | |
1408651917 | 1408655766 | t3_2e7n50 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By not having dining etiqutte
If this is badly formatted I'm sorry it's my first ever submission. Anyways this fuck up happened last week at which point I hadn't had sex in a while. I have my female friend around to my empty house as usual with this particular friend sexy times are going down. We go from making out on my bed to removing each others clothing piece by piece until we're both fully naked. At this point things are going smoothly and I start to go down on her. Now is this is where the real fun begins as I slide my fingers in her and lick and suck her clit (I don't understand why but she loves me sucking it). This goes on until she climaxes multiple times. Great! I'm thinking as I imagine the fantastic reward I'll get for this. So I decide being the nice caring lover that I am she deserves another round of ultimate pleasure. My head goes back down and my fingers enter the abyss within her. As I suck her clit she starts to jolt and squirm as she gets an intense feeling of orgasmic passion. I try to control her movements like a cowboy taming a wild horse, alas my efforts are futile as she squirms again and pulls away from my mouth. Something isn't right, she let out a different sort of moan I look up to see her grimacing and as I do I taste a weird iron taste but it's something not totally unrecognisable. It hits me like a bus when I look back down and see a red trickle getting thicker and thicker, I was tasting her blood I spat instantly. I soon realised that I caught her with my tooth as she pulled away and caused her to cut her vagina. This then meant both of us in my shower trying to clean blood out of her lady garden it took over 1 1/2 hours for the bleeding to stop.
tl;dr Wanted to make sweet love, ended up chomping down and drinking blood
[deleted]: Best misleading yet surprisingly appropriate title ever
liamsimpleman: Thanks, the thought and time that I actually put into the title now seems completely worth it
[deleted]: Ah... Except you misspelled etiquette
liamsimpleman: Bollocks! I kept worrying about that and still fucked it up but thanks anyway I'll change it
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1408652764 | 1408674791 | t3_2e7osp | t5_2to41 | 92 | nata1900: TIFU by Getting My Brother's Jizz on My Face
So as is the case with many posts on r/tifu, this actually happened to me a couple of weeks ago, but I was mulling over putting it on the site because it was probably the most embarrassing/disgusting moment of my life.
The relevant background to this story is that I have a brother who is much younger than I am - he recently turned 13, and I am 21. I'm still a university student though, so I still live with both my brother and my parents. We have one shower in the house, and recently, my brother has been taking extra long showers. I often joked that he's 13, experiencing puberty and "discovering his body" in there with my parents, to which my mother would respond with a scowl and a comment about how he's just procrastinating in there. My brother has always had a bad habit of taking is iPod or his DS into the washroom when he had to do a #2 so that he can keep playing longer, because my parents limit how much he can play so that he also has time for school and extra-curricular activities, plus my brother is actually very naive and innocent overall, so I could see it as plausible and I just used to make jokes about masturbation to tease my mom. However, this was always only when he was using the washroom, never when he was showering, and recently, he'd been going into the bathroom with his iPod, starting up the shower, and wasting water while he, according to my mother, screwed around with his iPod instead of actually getting in the shower. This bugs my mom to no end because it wastes water and money, but my brother kept doing it anyways.
Now we get to my fuck up. My brother took a shower in the early afternoon on the day of the fuck up. I usually shower in the evenings, so I didn't think anything of it. On this particular day, I'd had quite a tiring day, and it being the summer, I was quite sweaty. My muscles were aching, so I decided I would treat myself and take a relaxing bath with my new book and some nice body scrubs. I run the bathwater, and get in. Splish, splash, everything is as it should be.
I notice something floating in the water that looks clear, maybe like a flake of dead skin or some leftover shampoo or soap in the tub (the particle is pretty small). I managed to catch the floater on my finger, and I proceeded to take a look at it. Feeling it was fairly slimy, I ruled out that it was a flake. My next hunch was that it was some sort of shampoo residue, so I sniffed it. It really didn’t smell like anything much, so I moved my face a bit closer and inhaled again. It was when it was right up close to my face that I realized it had a whitish tinge to it, and I realized it might be jizz. Understandably, the idea of touching my 13 year old brother’s jizz both startled and disgusted me, so I did my best to get out of the tub, which is a deep soaker tub, as fast as I could. I am extremely nearsighted and I misjudged how far I was from the edge of the tub, and I ended up hitting my elbow off the side of the tub, and I reflexively (remember that my hand is still extremely close to my face) moved my arm, which caused my finger to ram into my nose, suspected jizz and all. I can now smell that this is definitely jizz, and it’s on my face.
I then had to suffer through a very embarrassing chat with my parents about discovering the reason why my brother takes so long in the bathroom, and how I had found the proof.
tl;dnr: took a bath, found a stray unknown flake, discovered it was my 13 year old brother’s jizz, accidentally got said jizz on my face, awkwardly had to tell my parents about it.
EDIT: For those of you who have been asking, I am a woman. And for those people commenting about why I told my parents, several reasons for that. 1. It proves my earlier point to my parents from the beginning of the story (that's not really so important, but it's true nonetheless). 2. My brother is my parents' youngest and they've been avoiding talking to him about sex and sexuality because they think he's too naive and innocent, and I think in their minds, he's their last innocent little boy. I disagree that they should be waiting so long to have the talk with him, but they also asked me to not talk to him about anything related to sex until he's a bit older because they want first crack at having the talk with him. I respect that - they are his parents, and I'm not. Finally 3. My parents are very strict, particularly about masturbation, which they feel is a dirty and perverted thing to do (they're pretty old-fashioned in their ideas about sex, although politically, they're more liberal, which is an oddity I don't really understand). The main reason I told my parents is because they NEED to have the talk with him, he's 13, and it's more than time to do it.
randomboythrowaway: Are you a girl?
red3biggs: OP knew what cum smelled like, so I'm gonna go with no.
glass_table_girl: Well, a 21 year old female can know what cum smells like. It's called "not being a virgin."
Source: Am female, know what cum smells like
red3biggs: But because OP didn't present any clues, it is easier to assume the story teller is a male.
glass_table_girl: Well, statistically, it is more likely that OP is male, so word.
red3biggs: easier should have been simpler. oh well.
| 7 | 13.142857 | |
1408651379 | 1408655359 | t3_2e7m3b | t5_2to41 | 7 | accounting_guy: TIFU by trying to save ducklings
I work for a university and today is move in day for students living on campus. I offered to help with parking because I know how hectic it can be when there are hundreds of families moving their students into their buildings. During one of the busiest hours, I look out of the corner of my eye and see a mother duck jump down from a curb along with 5 ducklings to cross one of the busiest streets in my area. Without thinking, I bolted over to the ducks to try to get them to turn around and go the same way they came from (so they wouldn't be hit by traffic). The mother duck and three of the ducklings made it back up the curb but two of the ducklings were struggling to get up the curb. Me, being such a thoughtful and helpful person, thought it would be a great idea to help the ducklings up the curb. As I reach down to give the little guys a boost I hear mother duck coming towards me. She flies up and starts whacking me with her wings, claws my shirt with her feet and shits on my pants. Luckily she didn't get skin when she clawed at me. Everyone around me thought it was hilarious. Me? Not so much. Now I’m back in my office and I smell like duck shit.
TL;DR Went to save baby ducks from traffic, got shit on by momma duck.
CWVet: Nah, you didn't FU. You did a commendable thing. A little duck shit smell for a good deed done? Worth it!
But, what I really want to know is if the lil fellas made it safely?
accounting_guy: Yeah. Eventually they were able to jump up onto the curb and waddle away to safety :)
CWVet: Good job! Now go home, wash your ass and have a beer on me!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408650160 | 1408665911 | t3_2e7jsn | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be friends with a snake.
I'm a lab assistant in my Zoology class. We had about twenty minutes left, and the teachers says we're free to play with his numerous animals (snakes, roaches, geckos, chinchillas, and a hedgehog), so long as we were careful and din't touch the python or the alligator.
The snake are pretty friendly, so I went to the snake tanks to pick up one of my favorites (I usually handle cleaning duty, and all of the animals know me). My friend is holding one of the snakes (a beautiful corn snake), and as I approach, the snake starts trying to get on my hand. I smile and open my palm to let him crawl onto me.
Turns out I'm a lot warmer than most people and the snake really liked me. He slithered up my arm and into my shirt and tried to get on my chest. Not cool. I yelped like the scared girl I am, and tried not to smush the little perv.
I pulled him out, and he tried to go in again so I gave him to my friend. Cornwallis didn't like that, and snapped at my poor friend.
Cornwallis' new name is Pervert and he's not allowed to be held unless you have closed sleeves anymore :(
liljondickpic: It's a snake thing. Most of them do that. Women tend to be warmer than men, and our chests tend to be VERY warm. Plus our hormones can make them go a bit crazy.
I only speak from what my friend explained to me after hanging around his snakes.
[deleted]: Haha, reptiles are such weird 'lil creatures.
| 3 | 10 | |
1408655939 | 1408662856 | t3_2e7ut0 | t5_2to41 | 5 | liamsimpleman: TIFU by having terrible dining etiquette
If this is badly formatted I'm sorry it's my first ever submission. Anyways this fuck up happened last week at which point I hadn't had sex in a while. I have my female friend around to my empty house as usual with this particular friend sexy times are going down. We go from making out on my bed to removing each others clothing piece by piece until we're both fully naked. At this point things are going smoothly and I start to go down on her. Now is this is where the real fun begins as I slide my fingers in her and lick and suck her clit (I don't understand why but she loves me sucking it). This goes on until she climaxes multiple times. Great! I'm thinking as I imagine the fantastic reward I'll get for this. So I decide being the nice caring lover that I am she deserves another round of ultimate pleasure. My head goes back down and my fingers enter the abyss within her. As I suck her clit she starts to jolt and squirm as she gets an intense feeling of orgasmic passion. I try to control her movements like a cowboy taming a wild horse, alas my efforts are futile as she squirms again and pulls away from my mouth. Something isn't right, she let out a different sort of moan I look up to see her grimacing and as I do I taste a weird iron taste but it's something not totally unrecognisable. It hits me like a bus when I look back down and see a red trickle getting thicker and thicker, I was tasting her blood I spat instantly. I soon realised that I caught her with my tooth as she pulled away and caused her to cut her vagina. This then meant both of us in my shower trying to clean blood out of her lady garden it took over 1 1/2 hours for the bleeding to stop.
tl;dr Wanted to make sweet love, ended up chomping down and drinking blood
Jarbatalapus: You are supposed to tag stuff like this as NSFW.
liamsimpleman: My bad I've changed it but thanks anyway
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408656754 | 1408763561 | t3_2e7wat | t5_2to41 | 35 | Sporklift: TIFU by watching the "Jurrasic Bark" episode of Futurama after having to put my dog down.
It has made me really depressed. Bailey was 11 and a rescue Greyhound, he had 8 great years with us when he was retired off the track. I'm just worried about our other dog, who is a rescue Greyhound too, and actually his brother. I hope she isn't too lonely now that she'll be alone during the day.
Having dogs such a blessings and they really do teach you just as much as you teach them but this part is always just so hard. In Futurama the part where you watch the years go by as Seymour just waits was the saddest thing I've watch in such a long time. I'm happy for the beautiful time he had with us.
RIP little guy :(
edit: [my puppies](http://i.imgur.com/jfXtlxg.jpg)
Imbeingoriginal: What can you tell me about having rescue greyhounds? I've always wanted a rescue greyhound.
Sporklift: They are great dogs, all of them. Most come with some type of emotional baggae from their track days and being abused. The big guy Bailey wouldnt use stairs for the first couple months we got him and also he would never go on tile, and never did for this whole life. For Sadie, if she sees anything small moving she will sprint full speed at it, that's why they say a Greyhound has to be leashed 24/7 if your outside. Their dispositions are always so timid and friendly, they love lying down and being patted.
A lot of people have misconceptions about Greyhounds. Greyhounds are not hyper and do not run around all day. They are very quiet and they only need a nice walk everyday to keep them happy.
I would highly recommend getting one. You can tell the dog is so thankful for being taken from a high-stress/abusive environment into a calm home.
Imbeingoriginal: That falls in line with what I've read, but it's good to hear it from a person firsthand. I've always wanted a dog that would be okay hanging and lounging around, but still playful when the time is right. Do(would) one do okay in an apartment? Do you usually have to take in multiples? I've heard it's almost the inverse of a puppy, where it takes time for them to learn they're allowed to go places/sit on furniture etc. are they good to train about going outside to use the bathroom?
Sporklift: An apartment would be a tough call. I would get in contact with your nearest Greyhound rescuse shelter and they will be able to better advise you with whatever circumstances you may have. It is generally said though that these dogs should have a completely fenced-in backyard so an apartment might not be suitable.
It really is the inverse of a puppy. They will not move or do anything unless you tell them. Some dogs are better than others but usually you have to teach them that it's ok to do most things, and they will begin to relax after a month or two. Our dogs were very easy to train for the bathroom.
| 5 | 7 | |
1408653324 | 1408662285 | t3_2e7puk | t5_2to41 | 4 | poor_decision: TIFU by asking if you were deaf
peteandrepete232: If they were deaf how did they hear you
poor_decision: They weren't deaf, they were just fundraising for the deaf.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408655775 | 1408674053 | t3_2e7uhl | t5_2to41 | 10 | titsonalog: Tifu by smoking
Someone once told me that overcooking a bag of popcorn could cover up the smell of cigarette smoke. So I put a bag in for about a minute longer than normal. I forgot to note that it was a half size bag of popcorn. So I cooked it a minute longer than twice the length of time it should have been cooked. I came back downstairs to see smoke spewing out of every orifice and the basement was literally foggy. I opened every window but even now, two weeks later it still smells. I even ended up having to get a new microwave as the old one smelled so bad. Tifu.
dralcax: Well, it worked. You don't smell *cigarette* smoke anymore, do you?
titsonalog: No! It definitely worked. In the worst way
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408660085 | 1410535503 | t3_2e820s | t5_2to41 | 3,321 | vickwill13: Tifu my relationship by wearing sheepskin condoms
So, this may come across as odd to some, but I am allergic to latex. In order to avoid reproducing my horrible genetic structure, I like to wear condoms. This is fine, as they make condoms out of lamb skin. I don't like to think about how I'm technically screwing a lamb every time. Maybe that is why I neglected to mention this to my vegetarian girlfriend for months. However, today she noticed a condom wrapper in the trash can. Due to some FDA blah blah bullshit these wrappers all have "lambskin" in huge, bold as fuck lettering so big your grandmother could read it across the room.
The correlation between vegetarian girlfriend and rubbing the skin of a lamb inside her vagina for months never really occurred to me.
I did attempt to make her feel better by saying "at least you didn't eat it". She is now taking one of those sissy "i am unclean" type shower, has been for an hour.
TLDR: unwittingly fucked my vegetarian girlfriend with a dead animal for the length of our 3 month relationship
Edit: thanks for the gold guys :) most karma I've ever gotten. Didn't know if I would truly fit in here, until now. Also, this is right up your alley, poemsforyoursprog?
abcderick: did you tell her "my baaaaaaaaaaad" ?
Antomnus: He can't pull the wool over her eyes on this one.
lllola: She's going to dump him out of shear disgust.
Dr_Mantis_Toboggan__: Just get her three sheeps to the wind next time.
UncheckedException: If only to escape the ewe-miliation of being dumped.
tooth10: Sheep for wood? Anyone???
UncheckedException: Fuck that, dude, who has brick???
hulagirl4737: I'll give you a brick for a coal.
TiZ_EX1: I only need sheep. I have my sheep conversion machine running hot. I'll make entire settlements on nothing but sheep!
Accidentsmakeppl: WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!
| 11 | 301.909091 | |
1408660222 | 1408662174 | t3_2e828i | t5_2to41 | 7 | positronus: TIFU by not pulling over fast enough
This happened on Monday.
Family and I were coming home from our friends' house, I get on a highway gain speed and notice that low tire pressure indicator is on. Hmm, car drives fine, must be a glitch. Drive some more and start hearing low grinding sound, I pull over. Yup, a flat tire. I put on a spare and drive home, thinking that I will fix it the next morning.
Morning comes I drive to tire shop thinking that it will take at most 15 minutes to fix the flat. Nope. My driving on a highway with what I presume was just a little hole in a tire ended up costing me the entire tire. When the mechanic removed the tire from the rim there must had been a good baseball cap full of rubber that got eaten by the rim. Fuck. They didn't have tire in stock, he gave me the price of tire with installation, I did a quick search to see if he is not ripping me off and tell him to order it.
$150 later I have a new tire that I didn't have to pay for if only I stopped in time to see what low pressure indicator was trying to tell me.
ExParrot1337: Sympathy. :-( There is every chance my car will not make it to the mechanic when I attempt to drive it there in the next few days. My usual mechanic had 2 guys call in sick so were unable to complete looking at it this week.
Was making noise from back. I thought it was a bearing but they said it was the diff and refilled it with special sauce so it would hopefully last till they had more staff. Last night on the way home it went from 'noisy' to 'twice as noisy with bangs and metal squeals for bonus drama'. I suspect if it hadn't been AWD it would not now be moving under its own power.
But gotta take it to a closer garage now. It's not going to make the 60km trip to my usual guys. :-/
positronus: That's sucks. Hope everything works out for the best.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408658581 | 1408731471 | t3_2e7zfw | t5_2to41 | 113 | cantaloupecrusader: TIFU by talking dirty to my girlfriend
Straight up today, a few hours ago to be exact. Some back story; I work at night so I usually have the day to myself, my girlfriend works during the morning and her particular line of work has her drive a lot. So I call her through her Bluetooth to keep her awake/entertainment. I usually have the house to myself so these conversations usually end in her talking real dirty to me so that I can "get myself going" and sleep easy, I suppose she's just nice like that. However today seemed to be different in the sense wanted to be the one to be talked dirty to today, which is fair to say the least. However her only request was for it to be strictly in Spanish. I was hesitant in the fact that my household is a strictly Spanish speaking one. I could sneak a few dirty terms in English and get away with it, but anybody could overhear my Spanish obscenities and know of my foul intentions. This is very paranoid of me considering the fact that I am still home alone. After being so hesitant she begins to beg and pleading for me to do it. This has apparently been something she's been wanting me to do for some time. A bit more pressure leads me to turn my face over onto my pillow, put the phone close to my mouth and say the dirtiest of things. Things so obscene, in the sexiest Spanish voice I can muster (I don't pride myself in being "sexy" in the slightest). After explaining to her in the many ways I would wish to fuck her I stop. Finished and worn out from intense wordplay, I lift my head from the pillow only to see my mom with her head looking at me through my open window. she had apparently locked herself out and needed me to open for her. By the look of her face I knew she had heard it all, and as such my face begins to feel like it is faced in front of an oven. To make matters worse after a stare that seemed to go on forever, my girlfriend decides to respond, in Spanish no less...
"I'm soo going to suck your dick"
Just at the right volume for both of us to hear. it's safe to say she knows my intentions are no good.
f_unit: I'm a little concerned that she stood there and listened to the whole thing. You'd think she could've cleareed her throat or something. Oh well, at least she didn't catch you in the middle of phone sex. Maybe you could convince your mom you were rehearsing a play.
cantaloupecrusader: You know after sleeping on it that's the first thing that came to mind. This concerns me too...
rob_var: now she will be thinking about it while she plays with her Vagdestroyer 3000
| 4 | 28.25 | |
1408658807 | 1408688080 | t3_2e7ztq | t5_2to41 | 21 | macnetic: TIFU by hitting my cactus in the dark
This just happened 15 minutes ago.
I was just about to go to bed, when I had an impulse to open up my window to let some fresh air in. I've got some sort of vertical blinds that you can just put your hands between, and there's a little cactus standing in the window. Now normally the cactus stands off to the side, but this time it was right in front of the window handle, so when I tried to grab the handle, I instead got stung by the cactus on the thumb. Following that, I immediately retracted my hand and clenched my thumb, driving the spikes deeper in and breaking off the ends. I spend a good time trying to pull out the spikes with my pincers (probably not the right word, English is not my primary language) to no avail
Nomiss: What type of cactus? Small spines and glochids are fucked up. Large spines aren't so bad to get out.
macnetic: I don't know, it's from Ikea. It's got small spikes FYI.
| 3 | 7 | |
1408661877 | 1408680845 | t3_2e851r | t5_2to41 | 13 | KnowledgeNate: TIFU by getting belligerently drunk while entertaining my former bosses friends.
This happened last night and the mental agony I am putting myself through just won't go away.
My old boss reached out to me and asked if I would show two European exchange-students she formerly hosted around the big city I now live in. I obliged knowing full well that any time alcohol and social anxiety are in the mix - you never know what could happen.
Anyway, I meet the girls and they're both very attractive - in the way that made me feel, frankly, nervous and under pressure to show them a good night. I take them to dinner and a buddy of mine joins us and its all going well. After dinner, I decided to hit XYZ part of town, except, for whatever reason, on this night is was dead as a cemetery out there. This made me nervous and I quasi felt like a fucking clown who didn't know what he was doing. The pressure mounted.
I decide to pivot and hit another part of town, and thankfully its jumping. I'm buying drinks and basically drinking in order to rid myself of the anxiety. Things start going better and I keep drinking. The whole night though I feel this odd sort of pressure to hook up with one of these girls. The night is going OK, I would say, I'm not vibing in any hardcore way, but my buddy is putting work in. Anyway, I start getting drunker and drunker, and (dont ask me why), start fucking with the other girls hair in an extremely poor attempt at flirtation.
As a backdrop to the story, I've been going out a lot lately and getting rejected a lot lately, particularly by girls almost immediately saying to me "I have a boyfriend." Now, this particular rejection bothers the living fuck out of me. I would rather have them tell me "you are ugly and unattractive and i am physically, mentally and emotionally repulsed by you."
Anyway, I'm playing with the chicks hair - and she's been difficult the whole night - and she drops a "I have a BF" on me. Its literally the exact worst thing she could have said to me. I basically become angry and say to her "Don't ever make a fool out of me ever again. Do you understand me? Don't ever do that again." I'm a bigger guy, I'm drunk, so this could come across as really intimidating. She is visibly afraid and physically recoils, and I storm off. My buddy chases after me, I start cursing him out, get in a cab and leave.
I am praying to God this does not get back to my old boss who I've just asked for a recommendation on another job. Praying. To. God.
I sent the girls an apology text this morning - and nothing. No response.
I basically feel humiliated and I can't stop thinking about the night.
I'll pre-emptively concede the following:
-I have issues.
-I have self-confidence problems.
-I seek the approval of others.
-I drink to avoid social anxiety
-I feel unnecessary pressure to hook up with girls.
-I put them before me by buying drinks and trying to be a good host.
Yes, I need to stop drinking.
God, I am the human manifestation of a cringe right now. WHY DID I DO THAT.
HopelesslyinLike: You sexually harassed a girl, and you're mad that her choice of rejection didn't suit you? And you're humiliated? You do realize that she probably thought you were going to rape her, right?
Also, she might have actually had a boyfriend. Women who don't have boyfriends and say they do because men don't take "no" for an answer. Men respect another's man's woman, but they won't respect the woman herself when she rejects them.
She wasn't being difficult, she was telling you that she wasn't interested. You are not entitled to receive attention from women, so get that out of your head. When a woman rejects you using any excuse, leave her alone. That's the whole idea. Women go for the excuse that works because like I said before, some men don't take "no" for an answer.
I hope it does get back to your boss. What you did was unacceptable, and that poor woman is probably terrified that you're going to hurt her now. What you did falls under sexual harassment.
Go seek help immediately and learn how to respect women.
KnowledgeNate: I wish I could argue with you on this. But I can't. And thank you for the tough-love. Did not look at the situation in this light, and it is illuminating. And yeah, maybe it does need to get back to my boss to elicit some sort of change in me.
Though, I don't think she ever thought I was going to rape her, and as far as hurting her, she will be out of the country in 2 days and I have no way of contacting her so yeah, I think she's good on that front.
I don't think I was feeling entitled - I just think I am over-sensitive to rejection.
Jesus Christ.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1408661007 | 1408663838 | t3_2e83kx | t5_2to41 | 38 | roboto1987: TIFU by pissing in a cup..
I frequently visit relatives on my free weekends. Today was no different; however, I forgot to take a leak before embarking on my 3 hour trip. Well, about an hour into my trip I really had to go. Ironically, I saw a guy pissing on the side of the road without a care in the world.
I thought about stopping, but I hate stopping on my long drives. Why? Mostly because I hate long drives and just want to get it over with. Plus, it was raining and I didn't to get wet by pulling off on the side of the road.
Anyway, I took my younger brother out to a sub shop the other night and I still had both of our cups. He inadvertently left his full cup of Coke when I dropped him off. Mine had a little bit of diet left in it.
I knew I had to go bad, so no way I was going to be able piss in the cup without getting piss everywhere, if I didn't drink the diet soda. So I decide to chug the soda. Ugh it was completely nasty. Old diet soda is gross.
I unzip my pants, whip out my junk, and grab the cup. Now any of the guys out there with huge cocks, I'm not one of them. So I move some fat out of the way and let her rip. There was a little splatter, but nothing unbearable.
Okay, I think I'm good, so I begin to move the cup. Bam, instantly spray my pants with piss. FUUUUUU.
Whatever, it will dry. A little while later, I began to get thirsty. Mindlessly, since I was driving and focusing on the rain, picked up the wrong cup and had just filled my mouth with Luke warm piss.
I immediately regretted my decision to not stop as I spit the piss all over myself. At this point, I'm raging and in my rage I decide to dump the piss out the window...
Sure enough at 60 mph it came back and hit me in the face. This is the last time I forget to piss before I leave and not atop when I have to go. Today was not my day.
tl;dr - pissed in cup while driving, ended up pissing myself, grabbed wrong cup and drank some piss, then dumped it out of the window, just to get a face full of - you guessed it - piss.
Multiple Edits: Wording, verbiage, etc. - I was driving when I initially posted this.
fellaphant: You typed this whole thing out while you were driving?
2c0: Just what I was thinking.
fellaphant: I can't get past that. Such an unsafe, asshole thing to do.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1408663819 | 1409008822 | t3_2e8873 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Ball-zak: TIFU By pretending I got better results than I did in my GCSE's
mdhay: Okay, here's some advice from someone who has sorta in this position four years ago. I think it's necessary for me to go into detail a bit about my experiences with GCSE's, so bear with me.
When I was doing mine, I was dumped by a genuine twat of a girl and that added on to the years of abuse I was getting from other students as young as year 7 age, I slumped into a pretty bad depression (at least if felt like one the time). I didn't revise anywhere near as much as I should have, instead investing my time in the Capital Wasteland, but that's neither here nor there.
I got a D in maths, the rest were above that. So yeah, I did better than you have but I panicked. I thought it was all over. The bitch had the audacity to wave her multiple A's in my face despite knowing this, and I could have blew up and verbally destroyed her given the chance. She left that place with next to no friends, and rightly so. I did a shite BTEC after that and either impressed uni enough or got in through Clearing in 2012, and will shortly be starting my final year. My university is one of the best, if not the best, and I finally feel like I have the kind of education I needed since I was around eight years old.
What I'm trying to say is that panicking and then lying about these things serves you no purpose. When you apply for universities you have to enter these and they will be checked by UCAS. It will be difficult to hide that without fucking yourself over in the worse way possible. Get out of the attitude while it won't come back to get you. Owning up, refusing the games and just laying low are the best things you can do right now. If anything, your mum will know that you panicked.
You can't be blamed for reacting like that though- much more pressure is applied to school students than there needs to be. Use this as a learning moment to teach yourself to keep a cool head. Best learn that now, whether you go into college, university or anything else. If you take anything from this word spaghetti, it's that cool heads prevail.
And also, do yourself a favour. From a game design student to someone who loves the end product of all that work.
Wait.
Goddamnit, wait. If either of those games turn out like Colonial Marines, you'll have to suffer it. No lie is worth that.
Ball-zak: Nah, I played the destiny beta. Best shit I've ever played. And fifa is fifa. And thanks dude.
mdhay: It's my understanding that it is, so you've dodged a bullet there, certainly! Best to keep it in mind, mate. Did you tell your mum about it?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1408662982 | 1408679382 | t3_2e86vp | t5_2to41 | 53 | jwill8820: TIFU by leaving my computer unlocked.
Well, a little background info. I am a male and I currently live with a female friend of mine(until I get back on my feet), she always ask me for sex and I rebuff her attempts with an excuse of some kind. I sometimes let her use my computer to browse the web or whatever. Earlier today after I was was browsing gone wild for some reason I didn't lock my computer like I always do. I wake up after taking a nap and she says that she had just got finished playing online games(mind you I had MULTIPLE gone wild tabs open), I think I turned white for a few seconds an I'm a black guy. Once I regained my composure I noticed that she didn't mention it. Now I'm sitting here nervous like a cow in the slaughterhouse waiting on her to make it back. Yep..... before you say it I fucked up really bad.
EDIT: She was actually cool with it once I explained that I am human.
freeroof: >I think I turned white for a few seconds an I'm a black guy
I wish I could have seen that.
pizza-eating_newfie: He did a Micheal Jackson.
StudentOfEtherium: [here](http://i.imgur.com/FEFpMel.gif)
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1408664635 | 1408700611 | t3_2e89jg | t5_2to41 | 236 | CrazyHorse19: TIFU - playing my music too loud whilst discussing in detail how to finger a girl
So this happened back in my teenage years. It was a hot sunny day and my family were preparing a bbq for lunch/dinner and told me I could invite some friends around. I decided I would invite my girlfriend and my best mate at the time so when they made it to mine, I took them both upstairs to hangout and play games. As it was a hot summer day, I opened the windows and blasted my music out loud. As time passed we lost interest in playing the games and just started chatting. The discussion got on to sex and our experiences. Me having my best mate and my girlfriend around I decide to show off the expert knowledge I gained from eurotrash, sin cities and late night channel 5 movies with regards to fingering girls. I go right into depth (see what I did there?) and started explaining about how many fingers to use, where the g spot is and even as far as how to go down on a girl ( it was quite explicit). Anyway me thinking I done a good job and my mate/gf were impressed - I suddenly here my dad shout my name from downstairs (man, I have never seen him so embarrassed, pissed and disappointed (the worst)) - chills up my spine, I go downstairs - turns out my loud music had forced me to talk over it quite loudly and basically broadcast my knowledge to anyone who was outside - my family sitting in the garden. I was told he was disgusted to hear me talking like that and embarrassed for me and asked my friends to leave - all in front of my family. He didn't speak to me for 5 days after that.
Guitarknowitall: Oh shit, you really did fuck up.
CrazyHorse19: Yep I did, when parents are disappointed its the worst - never had my dad not speak to me before. Fortunately I haven't done anything like that since. One of those life lessons I suppose - hope it doesn't turn up in a wedding speech somewhere... HAHA!
[deleted]: Have you considered that maybe he's just disappointed in your technique?
CrazyHorse19: Not until now have a considered that...(checking with current gf).... Seems I'm good so nothing to worry about. I was a N00b back then so wouldn't be surprised. Haha
| 5 | 47.2 | |
1408665133 | 1408667657 | t3_2e8ac8 | t5_2to41 | 33 | poopshit420: Tifu by joking around with a gay guy.
I'll keep this short and simple. Today was the second day of my junior year at a new school where I only knew a few people. In my last class of the day we were doing some kind of meet and greet projects and we were using construction paper. Well there's a guy in my class who is one of those guys that are pretty obviously gay, like, borderline flamboyantly gay. Anyway, me and him both happened to have pink pieces of construction paper and I over hear him talking about how 'fetch' the hot pink color was. So this is my second day here and I'm trying to meet all the people I can so I being a redditor get the reference to the movie 'Mean Girls'. So I was kind of in a social mood and asked " is that from that mean girls movie?" Or something stupid like that, trying to make small talk,to which he fabulously replied " yes that's my favorite movie ever!" And trying to make the one guy I actually knew in the class laugh, I said " yeah, it's probably my fifth favorite movie of all time!" And as soon as I said it I knew I might've went too far because he gave me "the look" and a smile and continued talking to me for the rest of class. This may not seem too bad except for the fact that I'm in the Deep South and this guy was black and very obviously gay and I was probably the only one that had talked to him the whole class. Also: I'm not trying to imply that I assumed he was gay just because of his voice, but he did also have a rainbow button pinned to his shirt.
[deleted]: OP, you're gonna have to bang this dude to get rid of him. I've seen it before and it's the only way out... I promise.
poopshit420: The funny thing is is that I ALMOST said my #1 favorite was broke back mountain, but at the last nanosecond it clicked in my brain that maybe I've went far enough already.
CollaterLDamage: you can use this to your advantage OP. if he gets too comfortable let him know you are not gay or generally hit on women around him so he knows without making it awkward.gay people tend to have lots of girl friends and can make a pretty good wingman. he wont be no neil patrick harris but a person who can make friends with women can generally help get you one.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1408660426 | 1408737459 | t3_2e82kn | t5_2to41 | 296 | Drawingblanksonnames: TIFU by giving my girlfriend a back massage
TIFU - sex and bodily fluids involved so NSFW
So today I fucked up. I picked my girlfriend up after class and we headed back to my place. Nothing out of the ordinary, except she was on her period. Now we still have sex on shark week and there's even an added bonus that she lets me finish without pulling out because she's cool like that. It went *okay*. Actually it was great but its hard to think back positively on this given the events that followed.
Anyway, so we're lying on the bed after we're done and trying to be a good boyfriend I flip her on her stomach and straddle her to start giving her a back massage. I'm starting to rub her shoulders when she mentions to me that her backs been acting up so I come up with the great idea of cracking her back hoping it would help.
Now if any of you don't know you can crack someones back by applying strong pressure slightly below and in between the shoulder blades. I put my hands together and put all of my weight on that spot like I had a lot before with her to try and crack her back. I am a big guy (6'3 300 lbs) and pushed pretty hard to make sure that I got a good crack.
I should not have done this.
Her back cracked. But like an untied water balloon I forcibly expelled the combination of period blood and my jizz that was brewing in her vagina. My room looks like someone fired a blunderbuss filled with red crayons and hand lotion onto my bed. Some of it even made it to the wall a couple feet away.
She took a shower while I cleaned up and and now she still can't look me in the face. I fucked up.
TL;DR - Tried to crack my girlfriends back after sex when she was on her period. It didn't go well.
xpepzi502: Wait, girls are allowed to leave left over jizz in her vagina? Wouldn't that be dirty, and she would get a infection? Would the jizz dry up and just get moldy inside of her? I sound fucking retarded. Curious virgin over here asking questions.
Not_insane_lol_jk: It'll just flow out of her in a few hours (sometimes a day or so) and it can't really dry up since the vagina is moist all the time.
xpepzi502: Hm, so like she wouldn't get any STDs or AIDS?
Maeve89: Any STIs are contracted during the sex itself, you can't spontaneously develop them by leaving semen in your vagina. If he's clean, she's good. If he's not, well, she's not going to get any MORE infected.
xpepzi502: Alright thanks. Fuck you random people for downvoting my question. I don't know a lot about this stuff because I'm a virgin. Dayum.
Maeve89: Go over to /r/sex and read the FAQs in the sidebar for more information so people don't think you're a troll.
xpepzi502: Thanks. I'm 13 years old and I still don't know shit about sex xD
Maeve89: Oh god you're only 13.... that explains a lot. Maybe I shouldn't have referred you to /r/sex, it's not really for minors... or is it?? ARGH I DON'T KNOW
SnooSnooCookie: Personally I don't think it's a bad idea. I'm in my teen years and I've browsed /r/sex a lot and hell I even had a front page post once asking for advice (it was on a throwaway, creeps don't bother) about the weird things my vagina was doing. It completely calmed my nerves when I learned what was happening to me was normal and I think it's an excellent resource for confused teenagers such as myself.
Or maybe that's just me, I'm the curious kid, the annoying one that always said "but why?" so I love to be informed.
xpepzi502: Just to clarify, I am 13 years old and I have a very large penis.
Edit: I think so
| 11 | 26.909091 | |
1408665634 | 1408753598 | t3_2e8b4f | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a Jesus-joke to a Southern Baptist
TIFU, yay! I am 35 years young, and I work at a small cut-and-sew mail order company in the South. Appalachia, actually, and I was born and raised here. However, I outgrew the whole church thing at a pretty young age and I now consider myself an atheist. I'm not an 'in-your-face-with-it' kind of guy; I don't believe in any of it, but I think it's fine for those that do. The seamstress at work is old, like seventy-something, and like most Southern Baptists she can't seem to get enough of talking about God, talking about the Bible, talking about Jesus, talking about church, talking about church suppers, and (of course) talking shit about the people in her church that she doesn't like.
After working with her a couple of months I got the obligatory 'come on down to chee-urch with us this Sunday' invitation. I thought it was more honest and maybe respectful to tell her I don't believe than to try to make some lame excuse(also hopefully preventing future invites). She seemed a bit taken aback (probably never talked to a heathen before), but she recovered quickly, and said "Oh, you're one of them that thinks we're from monkeys." I said yes and then ended the conversation before it went 'there.' Unfortunately, this activated some kind of trigger inside the old shit.
For about a year and a half I have had to try and listen respectfully to her pushy, nonsense about Heaven, Hell, and ridiculing people who don't share her beliefs (her politics and religion are inextricably intertwined). I try to ignore her as much as I can, but today she told me one of her jokes. A girl asks her mother where she came from. The mother of course says, "From Jesus," but the girl asked her father and he said, "From monkeys." When the girl told her mother what her father said, the mother said, "That's just his family."
ba-dum-chingggg
I know it was lame, but the morning had been shitty anyway and I guess it finally wore too thin, and my response was "Hey I've got a joke you'll like! What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?"
She squirmed a bit in her chair and said, "Jesus is real, and the picture ain't real!"
"No," I said, "that's not funny enough to be a joke! The difference is it only takes one nail to hang the picture."
She puzzled for a moment, looking vaguely offended but not quite getting it. "No boy," she said disdainfully. "They used all kinda nails on Jesus"
"YES!" I laughed, "See? You get it now right?"
She didn't say anything for a beat or two. Then she said, "Sometimes they's great big pictures take more'n one nail. To hang. I got some'a them."
"Don't over-analyze the joke, lillian or it won't be funny anymore.
But remember that one and tell it at church! They'll get a big kick out of it." She just frowned and looked butt-hurt. Then I turned and left for lunch break. No mention of Jesus this afternoon. We'll see how long that lasts.
Oh, the reason this was a fuckup is that when I told my mother about it she said that I've always been SO impatient with people, that she was ashamed that I would do something so low, and that there must be something wrong with me......
Marik_Bathory: You've been listening to this delusional woman prattle on about her imaginary friend for a year and a half before making a joke and you're "So impatient with people" seriously?
thedudester09: Yeah I'm pretty sure that if dicks like you continue with the whole trend of ridiculing believers we're going to have a real problem on our hands
thorsilvers: and if 'believers' continue the whole trend of ridiculing dicks like me?
thedudester09: It'll became less common over time. But the more that people like the guy above say stupid shit the further we'll get from the common human goal. What he is doing is incredibly counterintuitive and, frankly, childlike.
ben_yah: religion is counterintuitive.
thedudester09: Your /r/atheism is showing dude, cover that shit up.
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1408665915 | 1408669600 | t3_2e8ble | t5_2to41 | 4 | Giant_fuck_up: TIFU by saying how I felt to a girl.
Today, I fucked up. (Throwaway account for obvious reasons. Typing this on mobile so sorry in advance for any grammar and formatting errors.)
For the past month or so, I've been spending a lot of time with a girl. They really weren't dates, but just us hanging out. She and I have some...history I guess you could say. About a year and a half ago, I had feelings for her I told her how I felt at the time and she didn't feel the same and ended up with someone else. This someone else, I also happen to be friends with. Anyhow, about two months ago, they broke up and not too long after, my feelings for her resurfaced. Yeah, kind of fucked up for me to try and date a friends ex because bro code. Regardless, I told her once again how I felt, but she told me she needed time and I was perfectly fine with that. She understood that I had been lead on before by people saying the same thing to me before, but she told me she understands and promised not to do that. This is a detail that will be important later on.
She had been going through A LOT of drama in her life after her and her boyfriend broke up and I had been there for her to help through this. We started to hang out more and more and in the last two weeks, we had basically hung out for almost every other day. During this time, unknown to me even though this should've been obvious, she was trying to see if she would develop feelings for me. Soon after posting this, she will be leaving to Vegas for her sister's birthday for a week. Yesterday, she told me she told me she still had feelings for her ex, which should've been a giant red flag, but did not tell me to move on. I texted her today and told her I missed her a bit too much considering it hasn't been long and I got a reply back I did not expect even though I should have. She told me to stop waiting for her. She told me she didn't feel the same way and that she needed to be alone. Here is where I completely fucked up and am now afraid I have lost her even as a friend. I told her that I felt like she had lead me on. Naturally, she was very angry and told me how could I be just like that stereotypical "nice guy" that does nice things and expects the girl to like her back. This, I know, was my own doing. She told me she couldn't believe what I said and was obviously angry at me. Again, I know this is all my fault. I should've just let things be and let her go, but I refused to take no for answer. I felt like I had been fighting and waiting for her and that all that effort was for not. It's been awhile since she's replied, but I don't expect her too. I told her how sorry I was for saying what I did and that I didn't expect her to forgive me. I feel sick and plain depressed now. I fucked up. I seriously fucked up and now I feel like a giant dick for saying what I did when I should've known better. I just want her back in my life even if it's just being friends.
There are other details I might have missed, but this is best I can recall in the state I'm in. If there are any questions or need for clarification, I will be monitoring this post.
sonia72quebec: You opened your heart and you got terribly hurt. I know it's gonna sound strange but you should be proud of yourself for doing it. So many people live their life full of regrets. You did a very courageous thing. I'm sure that one day you while find someone that's right for you and that will love you too.
Giant_fuck_up: Thank you for the kind words. :)
sonia72quebec: You're welcome. Take good care of yourself.
Giant_fuck_up: I will.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1408667745 | 1409086253 | t3_2e8ehe | t5_2to41 | 15 | lemmeaxeyousomethin: TIFU by listening to ignorant rap music.
This did happen today. So on Thursdays I have a part time job after my 9 to 5. I have to start at 6:30 so I usually go to smoke a bowl at my friends house, as my part time job is sitting on my computer at a desk. Occasionally I have to tell someone where the bathroom is. Thats it.
After a good long smoke session I gathered my shizz and got out. Now being a middle class white male I of course listen to the ghettoest, most ignorant rap music possible. So I throw in my headphones and prepare for fitting hood rap concert as I walk through a particularly urban neighborhood on my way to work.
As I reach the border I start passing college students. The particular song is "[Sloppy Toppy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6OmqBItDns)" by Travis Scott ft Migos (I know) The particular part in the song goes a little something like this, "Fat booty shawty perfect, She gag on the dick and she burpin^belch, she swallow my kids like a slurpee" (3:30 in) Totally absurd and debasing, but at that moment I cracked up walking to myself and just as that happened a very effeminate male jogger ran by, turned around looking extremely offended, stood there for a second, then took off.
Sorry man, I didn't mean to offend, but terrible lines like that are the entertainment I find in ignant rap.
tl;dnr Laughed at a line about oral sex. Offended an effeminate jogger.
pizza-eating_newfie: Clicked on that song. Immediately regretted it. Powered through the whole song. That was **the worst** song I've ever heard.
OP, why would you listen to something like that voluntarily?
HATERS_SHALL_HATE: Cuz we like it.
pizza-eating_newfie: Relevant username
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1408668040 | 1408671686 | t3_2e8eyi | t5_2to41 | 8 | Trowawayanyday: Tifu - my baby fell for the first time.
tetas_grande: It happens. They are bouncy.
kaenneth: They also contain a surprising amount of blood.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408663686 | 1408730399 | t3_2e87ze | t5_2to41 | 12 | Am_a_moron: TIFU by finding out only today that I had broken a girl's heart years ago
When I was 16, I met a girl at a friend's birthday party, let's call the birthday boy Bob, in the summer before my junior year. We'll call her Alice. Because my friend used to attend another high school before coming to mine, he had a whole other friend group from his old school that he had invited along with the friends from our school.
Everyone mostly stayed within their own group of friends and didn't mix much. But I met Alice and enjoyed talking to her. It was a very relaxed party, maybe 20 of us altogether, we played rock band, watched one of the guys play shadow of the colossus, played manhunt outside. So we all had a good time, and I thought Alice was nice.
So party is over, and I forget about her after a few days until I get a Facebook message from her. We started chatting occasionally, then everyday. After two weeks of this, I was getting fed up with the speed of our communication since we couldn't type as fast we wanted to. So I asked for her cell phone number, she didn't have one because her parents didn't trust her with one. So I asked for her house number, received it, and called. For the next 4 months, from the beginning of the school year until New Year's Day, we talked every day. My memory isn't quite as clear as I wish it was since it's been some years, so I have no idea what we even talked about, but I think we averaged about 2 hours every day (what the hell is there even to talk about that long that frequently for 4 months??). Then, our friendship fell apart and she never spoke to me again.
The fuck up is this.
Today, I ran into Bob after some years. We briefly caught up, the usual how are yous and where are you in life. Then he brought up Alice. I mentioned how I always thought it was weird that she got mad at me and stopped talking to me without telling me why. After a stretch of silence where Bob stared at me in disbelief, he shouted, "how the hell do you not know? You broke her heart, asshole! Why do you think I stopped being your friend?" Now I'm looking at him in confusion. Apparently she had liked me, and I never knew. And then the hindsight hit me like a truck and I realized exactly how much of an asshole I had been.
See, back in the summer between 8th grade and 9th grade, I went to a CTY summer program and made friends, one of them being a girl, we'll call her Belle, I thought was incredibly beautiful and very much out of my league. For whatever reason, we decided it would be a great idea to have 'reunions' every year to meet up at one person's house and have fun for a couple days. There would normally be 5-7 of us. That year, sometime in October, Belle called me and said this year's would be at her house. I thanked her for letting me know, put it on my calendar, asked my parents for a ride to and from on that day, and promptly put it out of my mind.
So for the next two months before the coming fuck-up, Alice and I were always talking and I would occasionally go over, even though she was a few towns away, to hang out. We'd watch movies, mainly musicals in movie form, and talk. Her parents liked me, I liked her cat, and it was great, she was an awesome friend.
So. The end of the year is approaching, my dad drops me off at Belle's house, think it was a two hour drive (my dad is a saint). It's a really big, nice house in the suburbs with a big yard. Knock on the door, see her, drop my things, say hi to her family, and ask if I'm the first to arrive. She tells me yes, I am, and that I actually came way earlier than I was supposed to. So to kill time, her parents drop us off at a mall to wander around, maybe watch a movie, etc. So there I am bored out of my mind since I didn't find the mall interesting. I can't remember much about this part because of how mind-numbingly dull it was. I think she wanted to watch a movie, but none of the movies there looked interesting, and I knew it'd be cold in the theaters so I didn't want to go. We get back to her house. Still nobody else there except for her family. I ask where everyone is and she says they're not coming, that I was the only one she had invited. So there I am, very confused, and I ask why she would do that. She just replied that sometimes it's fun to hang out one on one. I was thinking about asking my dad to just pick me up, but since it is a two hour drive and also pretty late, I decided against it. I won't go into much details, but she pressured me into having sex with her. It was awkward of course, and terrible. But we did. Then I had my first kiss. In hindsight, it's hilarious, at the time, it was stressful and I felt bullied into it.
The next day, on New Year's Day, I'm on my way home with my dad. I tell him what happened minus the sex. Then I get a text from an unknown number. It's Alice. Her parents had just bought her a phone that day and she said I was the first person she was texting. We text back and forth for a while, then it all comes spilling out. I tell her everything that happened. There's no response for nearly ten minutes before a storm of messages pops up on my screen. To sum it up, she was mad and told me to stay away from her. Asking her why she was mad was one hell of a mistake. I won't go into that. For a while, I didn't know why she was upset.
I only found out today. I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so many emotions at once. I feel guilty and want to apologize, but it's been years. At the same time, I do find it kinda funny. My girlfriend, who I met as a result of Belle driving me to depression, finds it hysterical, but wants me to talk to Alice to just clear it up and to apologize.
TL;DR: Ran into an old friend, found out I had broken a girl's heart years ago by losing my virginity to another girl who had tricked me into coming over to her house
N_Howl: Alice doesn't care anymore and neither should you. How old are you? You're making this to be a much bigger deal than it needs to be so I'm going to assume that you still live with your folks if this is the thing that is grating on your mind. You're 19 or something right? Just relax, because none of that stuff matters anymore. Also you'll probably end up breaking up with your current girlfriend in the coming years and that won't matter much either so don't get all pissy about that when it happens. Kids are dumb.
lucysbraless: Seconded - and if Bob actually remembers this and gives a crap about it, it just means he has/had the hots for Alice and is getting all riled up on her behalf. Don't worry about it.
Am_a_moron: Yes, I'm 20, just to add to this, Bob is gay.
I suppose I posted this mainly because I had mostly put it out of my mind until I ran into Bob by chance. The ridiculousness of the situation kind of just hit me today and I thought I'd share something that had happened to me when I was 16. Looking af it now, god damn it, where did this wall of text come from, can't believe anyone read it.
smjpilot: Hey, it's broken up nicely into paragraphs, so it doesn't look too daunting.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1408670587 | 1408672539 | t3_2e8itc | t5_2to41 | 7 | lllola: TIFU by finding the escort service my dad uses
On dad's computer -> Hit the "Favorites" tab -> Escort service pops up.
He's still married to mom. I'm an adult and live away from them. But I am disturbed since finding this. I've long suspected he cheats on my mother but wasn't sure, and certainly didn't think he did it with hookers.
WTF do you do in this situation? Part of me thinks my dear mother should know. My sister knows and can barely look at him now.
RandomG1rl: Just playing devils advocate here but its possible if he's that blatantly not hiding it, maybe she already knows. Or maybe she and he use the service for things you don't want to know about. Idk you are in a shitty position. Maybe talk to your dad directly?
lllola: I don't think my mom knows. I think she suspects, just as I did. My mom is very conservative and I know she wouldn't stand for it.
At the same time, my dad told me years ago that my mother hadn't put out in almost 2 decades. Yeah, that's right, TWENTY YEARS.
I can't imagine the frustration for my dad... I understand sex is an extremely important part of a marriage. But I also think it doesn't justify him actively out fucking hookers from the internet. IMHO they should have divorced a long time ago. Sex is a perfectly acceptable reason to divorce.
Though maybe you are right and they simply have this worked out on some level. They're staying together "for the kids" or money or I don't know what else and it's unspoken that it's ok for dad to bang hookers. IDK.
RandomG1rl: Holy crap two decades?! That's crazy if he's for real. Idk you are in a really bad spot. I would say something directly to him if it were me. If they have something worked out that's their business some people do that sort of thing. Just seems best to go to the source. Hopefully there is a logical reasonable explanation other than he's cheating on her and she doesn't know.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408671788 | 1408743175 | t3_2e8knk | t5_2to41 | 6 | xX_Xanthos_Xx: TIFU by inviting a girl to see, "If I Stay."
xX_Xanthos_Xx: Confirmed it wasn't her dad fucking with me. Am at hospital now. Feel like shit for posting on here like a joke.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Any idea what caused the need for it?
I'm interested now...
RmRxCm: Dat screen name...
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408670010 | 1408725320 | t3_2e8hxo | t5_2to41 | 186 | CrunchyAssTityWeiner: TIFU by adding a coworker on snapchat
The story begins on an average day at work. I had recently gotten an iPhone and was at my desk just kinda screwing around with it when my coworker (a girl I talk to sometimes) came by and told me to download snapchat and to add her. Usually I like to not be too connected with co-workers but I thought "what the the hell" and gave her my username and shit after I made an account. Flash forward to night time and i'm sitting on my couch watching Netflix after taking a shower.(I had the apartment to myself so I was in no hurry to get dressed) So I'm looking at my iPhone, and I see I got a snapchat from the girl. It was a picture of her cat making this hilarious face. It seriously looked almost human the way its expression was. This is where things get fucked. So I double tap to reply and prepare to do some kind of funny looking face as a reply. I went to hit the reverse photo option and squinted my eyes to try and do my best goofy face, once I snapped the pic I saw that the photo hadn't actually reversed and had taken a picture of my dick. This is where I went full retard. I kind of have big fingers and so when I went to press the x to cancel it, the display brought up the text box instead. Frantic at this point I jabbed at "done" in the bottom right corner trying to get off the screen. Unfortunately the "done button" is in the same spot as the "send arrow" when the text box goes away. And the snapchat, dick and all, went flying through cyberspace. 20 seconds later the message said "opened" I got this sick feeling in my stomach. I realized I didn't have her number to call her and try and to explain, and even if I did, I don't know where I could possibly start cause it looked so much like something done on purpose. The only way I had to contact her was snapchat, I sent her a chat saying it was a mistake. There was no response. All the next day, she acted like nothing happened at all. I could barely even keep my head up from the shame and she was just walking around like nothing happened lol. I still can't believe this happened. I used to give smartphone technology so much shit. Maybe for good reason. My old phone couldn't even send GROUP messages, but It fucking worked for 3 years without a hitch, and then, 1 week into having an iPhone I send a picture of my dick to a coworker.
el_crunz: Nice cover story! Sounds like she was down anyhow.
[deleted]: how does being ignored "sound like shes down"...? seriously people these days have zero idea of how the opposite gender thinks...
el_crunz: It's a joke, you're on reddit ... And the TIFU subreddit to top it off.
rob_var: she scolded you, im pretty sure that means she wants you
| 5 | 37.2 | |
1408669590 | 1408685134 | t3_2e8hbb | t5_2to41 | 5 | assumes: TIFU by making a MILF feel old while we were going for a ride
This was a couple of summers ago when I was looking to buy a new car. I believe the car was a white honda accord, nothing too special, but it was turbo charged, decked out with a nice body kit, after market sound system, and a few other things to make you forget you were in a honda. Anyway I liked the look and price of the car so I phoned the number up and spoke to a guy, let's call him Bill, about going for a test drive. We lived far from each other but Bill agreed on a neutral meeting spot, in a supermarket parking lot, so that was cool.
The next day I arrive and there's the car, looking good, but then steps out Bill's wife, looking even better! She was a dark haired brunette wearing tight clothes. I think she was wearing Ed Hardy, but she was a total MILF, so we'll let it slide.
Anyway Bill's not there, it's just me and the MILF, and I'm driving the car. She's telling me exactly where to go, being all protective about it, which is kind of annoying. She calls the car her "baby". I still got to gun it at a couple of lights though, and the speed was pretty impressive ("not too fast, not too fast!" she kept telling me).
So I'm quietly feeling pretty good about the car, as I start to turn it back toward the supermarket. At this point we aren't talking about the Honda anymore but just making small talk, the MILF asking me if I go to school (I tell her yeah, I'm in University) and she tells me her daughter is starting school this year too.
I was still thinking more about the car than the conversation, when I said back, "Oh yeah, is she at U of M?" (our local university)
The MILF's mouth dropped. "She's starting *kindergarden*".
Now the MILF wasn't really that old and would of had to be knocked up at about 12 to put her daughter at my age. But I was just so used to people my age saying "in school" to mean in university. I knew my mistake as soon as I had said it. But there no way out of my comment, it just sort of hung there in the car like a bad fart.
The MILF looked really offended and she crossed her arms. "I'm not selling you my car now," she said with a bit of a chuckle.
I could feel my face going red and tried a little chuckle a bit too, hoping to keep things light and joking, but all I could think to say was, "Haha... my bad." She didn't respond, and I knew that damage was done.
We finished the ride a couple minutes later, and she gave me one of those big phoney smile and waves you give to a friend of a friend who you just can't stand but need to be nice to.
The next day I emailed Bill, said I was interested, and asked if there was any flexibility on the price. I never heard back from him or his MILF wife, and needless to say I never got the Honda.
-----
TL;DR - made a careless comment that offended a milf and lost the car I probably would have bought
CapgrasX13: First of all stop calling her a milf. She's a woman. You don't need to specify your desire to fuck her.
As to her reaction, she should be more secure with her age and should have been able to laugh that off. This is not an indictment of her, but the youth-worshipping society we have allowed to develop (which, ironically, spends an awful lot of its time demonizing its youth as well). We should take care to raise our children with more self confidence in themselves that isn't predicated upon their appearance or some arbitrary number.
zsxdflip: Shut the fuck up.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408672351 | 1408675562 | t3_2e8lig | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking whiskey like normal
TL:DR: Drunk way too much whiskey to maintain my erection to lose my virginity to a girl leaving the country the next day.
I have been friends with this girl for a while after meeting up off reddit in Feb and had been chatting for months as she traveled my country. She came back for two nights to hang with me before leaving for good and so we went out in town after chilling the first day. I am a strong drinker and favor whiskey so I go on drinking for 6 hours with a few beers and cocktails mixed in.
We get back to the apartment and relax before going to bed. I like to always sleep naked and slowly things heat up, I am a virgin she isn't and as she starts to suck on my cock I feel like it won't last. She strips and gives me a condom before laying down, so I put it on and try enter but she is tighter than I thought and my dick keeps getting pushed out. She decides to jump on top and I excitedly lie down but it just fades and we both realize I have whiskey dick so I try and wank to see if I can get it back up while using my other hand to help get her off but no luck for me as she calls it quits knowing I'm not getting off after she cums herself.
I still had a good time with her but something I was looking forward too for so long with her was taken away by my comfortable drinking. Now I won't see her for a few more years as we live the opposite side of the world. If she was here another night I'm sure I would of stayed sober and we would of had a blast.
xwhocares3x: If you are a virgin why would you get drunk before your 1st time? How would you know how tight she is supposed to be if you are a virgin. You still get her to cum while using one hand on her and jerking yourself? You went out to drink? How old are you?
pokethedeadkid: oooh shit mom is here
xwhocares3x: Is she a virgin too?
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408672996 | 1408717281 | t3_2e8mgl | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: Today, I just f*cked up [TIFU]
It's been an interesting day. Let me start the story with last night, I was traveling for business and went to a bar by myself. The bartender was hitting on me and pouring me random shots without me ordering them. Then a group of guys sit next to me and I hit it off with one of them and he finds out I'm in town for work and I haven't been to the beach yet. So I take a picture of his license and send it to my friend, jokingly, but kinda seriously. The guy was really nice and I didn't get any bad vibes from him, so I said okay. We drove out the beach, went to a bar, and then walked out and starting messing around, which eventually lead to sex on the beach (awesome). So he comes back to my hotel and we have more sex. We're using condoms (yay) and when we're done with this whirlwind of sex, he says there's 2 condom wrappers and only one condom. He's convinced it's inside me, I check and tell him he's crazy. He leaves and I go to sleep. I wake up, hungover, and was late to work... by 2 hours. Whoops. I buy donuts before I go in and hope that will help... nope. They all called me out and joked around about it all day, which is fine. I leave for my flight and get to the airport and get on my flight. Pass out on the tray table and the flight attendant tried to wake me up for 5 minutes according to the guy next to me- awesome, everyone is staring. I get on the shuttle to the long-term parking lot and I'm the only one on the bus and the driver is a nutcase, twitching and holding onto his necklace the whole time and starts up a convo (even though I had headphones in). We talk the whole ride, and I'm ready to get the hell off the bus so I politely say thanks and have a good night, jump out and get to my car. I look for my wallet that has the parking ticket and all my credit cards and realize I left it on the bus. Driver found it and came back, had another 5 minute convo and I finally leave and make it home. I take off my dress over my head and while the dress is halfway over my head, a roach falls from the ceiling and lands on my foot - FUCK. Kill the roach and move on. Then I decide to double check myself for that condom, who knows what I was drunkingly doing last night. Sure enough there's a condom inside of me... for 22 hours.
I don't even know how to react to everything that's happened in the last hour.
vigamoda: And that's when you go and get the emergency contraception pill...
WhiteLightningz: Or... Find this guy on Facebook, find out if he's rich. If he is hope you are pregnant, have that child. That's how you do TIFU super crazy bitch style and turn the tables.
vigamoda: Seems that you should write a TIFU. Seems you've got experience!
| 4 | 6 | |
1408674047 | 1408695328 | t3_2e8o2a | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting revenge on a mosquito
Like most TIFUs, this happened several months ago. I was trying to fall asleep a bit earlier than usual (around 11PM) because I had a job interview the next day at 9AM. In the midst of falling asleep, I intermittently felt sharp prickling sensations followed by the urge to itch. Turns out I was being woken up every 5 minute because of this one fucking mosquito that would just bite and bounce without even getting a decent meal from my vasculature. My girlfriend, who is a deep sleeper, had already fallen asleep at the time but I could tell she was distressed because she was unconsciously scratching herself from head to toe. Simply put, this mosquito was raping both me and my girlfriend and would not leave us the fuck alone. I had several bites in both of my arms, legs, thighs, and even on my right fuckin eyelid! Around 1AM, I tried to catch it by using my phone light to attract the fucker but he was so elusive that I ended up failing miserably. I decided enough was enough and engaged in full psycho mode. I turned on all the lights (my girlfriend was still sleeping), and it took me a while but I searched every corner of my room until I found this small mosquito that was noticeably bulging on its sides from all the blood it had drained from my precious body. I didn't want to kill it right away because that just didn't seem fair for the both of us. It took me another 30 minutes to capture this bastard in my bathroom and I tossed some green GoldBond (don’t ask me why I have it, you already know) on to this fucker thinking it would slow it down. I kept peppering this fucker with GoldBond and missed so many times until my bathtub and my girlfriend's bright pink towels were completely caked with this magical dust that I use to cool my balls after a long shower. The GoldBond seemed to do pretty well in slowing it down because I finally caught one of its legs with a tweezer and proceeded to torture and dissect it. By the time I went to bed, it was around 5AM and took me another hour to fall asleep from the adrenaline and stress the mosquito had caused me. I didn't wake up for my job interview and girlfriend was more pissed at her GoldBond caked towel than the mosquito bites.
Here's proof of its remains: http://imgur.com/PJ28LNI
TLDR; Mosquito wouldn't let me fall asleep the day before my job interview. I went full psycho and sacrificed my job interview to get sweet revenge.
cherylannmarie: Remind me to never piss you off.
Skylord_Aaron: [Here you go](http://imgur.com/GbIvH2f)
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1408674169 | 1408674461 | t3_2e8o9p | t5_2to41 | 6 | enjoi2129: TIFU by getting in an accident
TIFU. I got in my first at fault accident. So people NEVER park in front of the garage doors at work. Until today some asshat did. I was leaving to go get lunch for everyone. And I backed into a truck. A truck that was not suppose to be there but it was. Whose truck was it you ask? THE LIKE THIRD IN COMMAND IN THE WHOLE COMPANY! And we are in 5 different states. He's only had the truck for like a week, not even made the first payment on it yet. talk about making sure your underwear was still clean. And boy oh boy was he mad. NOPE didn't get fired! SCORE! But either way I fucked up so bad and they told me one more fuck up and I'm canned. But life goes on. No ones perfect everyone makes mistakes. But damn was I scared.
Guitarknowitall: How were you at fault then? It sounds to me like its his fault for parking in front of the garage doors in the first place. Was there a no parking sign or something there?
enjoi2129: Nope no "no parking here" only "no trailers can be parked here" signs. So there's no fighting it since it wasn't a trailer is what my insurance agent told me. So I'm just fucked and my insurance is gonna sky rocket now. No tickets or accidents on my record until now. Fuck.
| 3 | 2 | |
1408674483 | 1408676061 | t3_2e8orp | t5_2to41 | 84 | [deleted]: TIFU by pretending to be colorblind
I'm not using a throwaway because no one irl knows my Reddit account. So it all started out in seventh grade when I was 13 years old. I took one of those colorblind tests and of course I passed because I'm not colorblind, but it piqued my interest, so I researched colorblindness. I looked up how it was inherited, what kinds of colorblindness there are, etc. By the end of the week I was relatively versed in colorblindness but 13 year old me thought I was a fucking genius and had an honorary medical degree.
I never really let on that I had colorblindness until next year in 8th grade. First, I'll need to explain that over the summer between 8th and 7th, my entire family moved across the country, but by the time relatively early in the school year that the following event happened, we knew we would be moving back over Christmas Break due to familial reasons. At that point in the year I was still 13 and in my biology class we were studying the eye. We got to the section in the chapter about colorblindness and I knew it was my time to shine. I didn't say anything, but I planned how best to show off my knowledge. The teacher then showed a colorblindness test-thing on the board that showed the numbers made of little circles that are inside of other circles. [You'd definitely recognize it] (http://funeyetest.com/the-ishihara-color-blindness-test-answer/). In my stupid, naive brain, I thought, *well that was a freebie*. I lied and said I had a lot of trouble guessing the ones that were red-green just to get attention when ended up not even showing off my knowledge because I ended up acting surprised about it in the heat of the moment, as though I were just figuring out for the first time that red and green are not supposed to look similar.
My teacher was very excited to hear this and luckily for me I was not caught in my lie at that very moment because as it turns out, a student or two every year figures out that they are colorblind/deficient! She said it's perfectly normal since it never really comes up and she said that sometimes it develops, so I might not have noticed when I was little, but as I grow up they will look more and more similar until I can no longer tell them apart. She said it wouldn't affect me too bad as long as I knew the red light is on top and the green light is on the bottom.
That day was nice. I talked to a lot of people who brought it up and it was a great attention getter and friend-maker for me being relatively early on in the year. But that day I went home and it turns out that my biology teacher had called my parents to explain the good news. *I have made a huge mistake*. As if by some sort of divine intervention, my dad said it makes perfect sense since his dad was also red-green colorblind! I knew my parents would be totally pissed if they figured out I had lied to my entire grade, my teacher, and now them, so I just went with it and said yeah I just always thought they looked similar but it never really came up until recently where it's become harder to differentiate.
Now I knew I was fucked because someone who would be involved with my life when we moved back to where I grew up now believed the lie. My parents told their friends who told their kids who told their friends and my overprotective parents alerted all of my teachers of my 'disability' for me coming back halfway through the year. Those teachers would passingly mention it in front of others, and by the time summer between 8th and 9th grade came along, basically everybody I was acquainted with now believed I had red-green colorblindness.
Over the next year it never really did affect me too much. Every now an then I'd get the "oh hey you're colorblind right?" and luckily I knew my shit because of when I was 13 and knew how to answer things like "so what kind of colorblindness is it?", and "what color is my math notebook??", and "What color is the grass?", and any other question anyone was creative enough to imagine. Every now and then I'd be reminded of the lie like during Christmas, we hung up a red stocking, a white stocking, and a green stocking, and my parents asked which one I wanted. I honestly wanted the red one, but if I pointed to it and said the red one they might get a bit suspicious, so naturally I pointed to the red one and said the green one, and they just played along and said okay you can have the green one, and gave me the red one anyways hoping I wouldn't notice. This kind of stuff happens on a regular basis.
Unfortunately since my parents are convinced I'm colorblind, I've now officially lied *on paper* to doctors, my chemistry teacher, and my crew coach. So now I **can not** go back ever. It would look bad and really suspicious if I one day just 'got my color back' or if I slowly regained it it would be really suspicious because that very rarely happens. I'm in 10th grade now, almost 16 years old, and I'm living a little tiny lie that's just stressful enough to annoy me and constantly keep me on my toes all because I wanted attention when I was 13. This is going to have to follow me through my entire life. I'll have to lie to all of my friends, my wife, everybody.
And it doesn't help that my overprotective parents, and a lot of my family now sees this as a defining feature for me. When I'm introduced its, "This is captainth, he is colorblind". So yeah. It's not *soo* bad I guess but I fucked up.
Isaacmo: Why not go to church and scream out "Jesus had healed me! I can now see a rainbow!"
gigisalinas: I gotta say, ur comment made me Lol
:)
| 3 | 28 | |
1408676632 | 1408728932 | t3_2e8s5i | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking up my drink.
just want to start out by saying this is a minor fuck up, although I'm still pretty bummed. probably more so than an adult should be, but whatever.
Anyways, so i went to the fridge looking for something to eat and decided on fryin' up some potato and egg. I peel and chop my potatoes and start cooking em. I ask myself what i want to drink, to go alongside my potato and egg, knowing among my current options whatever i decide on will be disappointing. I mean only as disappointing as a drink can be, which apparently, is a lot. so I'm thinking about this and i open the fridge to grab the eggs...that's when i see it. i know what i'm going to have to drink, and it's going to be so much better than anything i imagined. chocolate syrup. Now milk on its own seemed unappealing at the time but chocolate milk, chocolate milk was, in all likelihood, the best drink that could possibly accompany my potato and egg. So i grab the chocolate syrup and its suspiciously light, but I am determined. I turn the bottle upside down give it a few good whacks, pop the top open, squeeze, and out farts a dribble of chocolate. Not nearly enough for an adequate glass of delicious chocolate milk. Do i give up? No. This story isn't over yet. I will triumph over this mostly empty bottle of chocolate syrup, and i WILL have my delicious glass of chocolate milk. I proceed to unscrew the cap and pour a little milk in there, screw the cap back on, then shake it up. I once again pop the top, squeeze, and out comes some gloriously chocolate milk. i then fill the rest of my glass and mentally prepare to sip this nectar of the gods. it's way too chocolatey. is this the end? has my dream been shattered? no. i am a man of reasonable intelligence. i can still win. I'll just get another glass, pour some of my chocolate tainted milk, dilute it with some more milk, then I'll have two glasses of delicious chocolate milk! I proceed to do just that. Fuck. in my haste I've made a grave mistake. There is no undoing what I've done. I overestimated the chocolate to milk ratio of my undiluted chocolate milk resulting in, not so much chocolate milk, as just milk that when you take a sip, it hits your tastebuds with a frustrating tickle of chocolate. I've lost. Game over. You may not pass go and collect your two hundred dollars. My potato and egg was pretty good though, so at least I've got that.
Marik_Bathory: I'm sorry, what does way too chocolatey mean?
dumbledank: like if you were to drink chocolate syrup, that would be WAY to chocolatey. though it wasn't quite on that level
cestro: ...yeah i'm not following
Silverlight42: yeah, what a weirdo that guy is.
I bet he doesn't even like [these](https://www.hersheycanada.com/recipes/m/en/recipe-details.aspx?id=6631&name=Double-Chocolate-Chip-Cookies) either!
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1408676963 | 1408723891 | t3_2e8sow | t5_2to41 | 19 | lucysbraless: TIFU by giving my old laptop to my mother-in-law... but not the way you probably think.
Short though maybe not sweet... Today I fucked up by giving my old laptop to my mother-in-law. No, I didn't leave it riddled with bizarre porn. I actually went through and deleted all of my own files, changed settings so that they'd be better suited to my mother in law's tastes as an older lady with schizophrenia. I sent her on her way with the laptop (she lives in a different country) and figured that was that. The problem: forgetting to uninstall a lovely little Chrome add-on called Cloud to Butt.
Now there is no convincing her that there is not in fact some sort of consipiracy of perverts trying to get her to "commit lewdness" and spying on her through the webcam. I also can't fix it for her, and she won't follow instructions to uninstall the program herself. You would not believe the trouble I'm in with the wife...
kaenneth: Butt to Butt?
mrjack67: Bass to mouth
ATron52: You never go bass to mouth!
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1408675743 | 1408741054 | t3_2e8qp0 | t5_2to41 | 64 | Nemoswang: TIFU by Watching Kill Bill Vol. 1
So when Kill Bill Vol. 1 first came out - I thought it was a pretty good movie. I really enjoyed the scene where The Bride is fighting the Yakuza (Just before she fights Oren, but after she kills Gogo). There's a scene where she jumps onto the banister and runs up the stairs and kills the guy standing at the top of the stairs.
Fast forward to the weekend after I've seen this movie. We're all at my friends house - let's call him Laken. Enjoying some beers while gathered around the living room table for some good old fashioned Dungeons and Dragons (2E).
A little backstory on my character. I don't remember the exact stats - I remember the important stat. DEX. I had 16 DEX, playing a classic human fighter - I had taken Karate as a proficiency earlier for the extra attacks and I was using an intelligent weapon (It would speak to me) in my offhand I was using a dagger that had a chance to cause petrification on max damage (1d4).
As we're looking for information in a seedy bar - Our party thief fails his stealing attempt. We had ended up starting a bar fight. The NPC's we were fighting weren't very tough, Usually just one hit kills - One NPC in particular was pretty annoying - he was throwing bottles at us from the stairs leading up to the inn rooms.
Enter my recent viewing of Kill Bill. Instead of just running up the stairs and attacking the guy - Which would have been no issue for my fighter. I look at the DM and as cocky as I was I say "I'm going to leap off this table, onto the banister, run up the banister and cut that guys arm off."
His eyebrows peaked as he looked over his DM screen "Really? His arm specifically?"
I laughed and nodded "Yeah. Of Course - I'll easily fuck this guy up". I could roll for the called shot - I wasn't worried about missing, even with a -4 penalty.
My DM smirked and looked down at his papers then back to me. "Give me a DEX check for the table, a DEX check for the banister, roll your attack at -2 and another -4 for the called shot."
Fuck.
I picked up my dice and rolled, For the table - success no problem. The banister - another success. I had this, I was going to look like the biggest bad ass. I roll for the attack, 1.
"Critical fail." announces the DM. "Not only do you not hit, but you fall off the banister. You take 1 damage and you're knocked down." everyone at the table started to laugh. Just as I opened my mouth to say it was worth the laugh the DM drops one last bomb "And you've landed on your dagger, Save vs Petrify."
I swallowed thickly as I picked up my dice. If there was ever a save that needed to be saved, this was it. Surely it couldn't get worse.
**Failed.**
It took 3 rounds before my team was able to get up the stairs to my now corpse, 3 rounds the man at the top of the stairs had at bashing my petrified skull. I crumbled like a weak statue.
TL;DR: Watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 got cocky and died.
im_probably_drinking: This is my favorite TIFU ever.
FringedWolf: you would probably like r/gametales/
Nemoswang: Amazing! I didn't even know this subreddit existed.
FringedWolf: My work here is done!
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1408677552 | 1408691838 | t3_2e8tj8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Planetoi_Orpheus: TIFU by being racist
This just happened, hopefully I'll figure out how to make things clear by the time I'm done writing this.
I just went out of my room to grab a drink and casually gave my suite-mate a "Hey man" as I passed him in the kitchen. He turns to me and offers a handshake saying "Nice to meet you, I'm ******." I stopped and looked at him directly, immediately realizing he wasn't the suite-mate I thought he was, it was the guy that had just moved in. I have bad vision, not insanely bad, just bad enough that when combined with my general lack of attention shit like this has a tendency to happen. Seeing as this guy was the same hight, build and race as my known suite-mate, my half-focused brain never processed the idea that this could be an entirely different person. My mistake was doing a painfully obvious double-take followed by a "Oh! Hey! Nice to meet you." He didn't seem very happy after that and now I'm pretty sure he thinks I am racist or retarded... or both.
It's going to be a fun year.
hurtsdonut_: What was racist? I'm confused
PM_ME_REAL_BOOBS: i'm black, i do the same thing to white guys all the time. if he's pissy about it, he has issues he needs to deal with. continue being cool with him, time heals all.
| 3 | 3 | |
1408675450 | 1408755670 | t3_2e8q9v | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a kid he had a nice shirt
TIFU by telling a kid he had a nice shirt. Well, you probably want to know the story, so here it is:
This was around a year ago, and I was on my schools Cross Country Team. We had a long and tiring run, and our coach told us to do a cool down run. Our cool down loop is this big loop that starts at the back of our school, next to our giant ass fields. The loop is basically outside the fields (shaped as a square) on one of the sides, is a elementary school.
Anyways, its a big square.
So I start my cooldown run. Now, since that there is an elementary school, there is a day care program, and the kids would go outside. One kid that caught my attention was this kid with the most snazzy, collar popping, new age rocking shirt I ever seen. I mean, this kid looked like he is a model.
So you can notice where this is going...
I am generally a nice and complimenting person, and I know little kids love it when they are complimented on what they wear. So on the first time around (Our coach told us to do 3 laps), I said- "Hey, I like your shirt, I bet you get all the ladies". He smiled, and giggled, and ran away to his friends. While my running buddies laughed and said I am a jackass, we went to our second lap. As we pass by again, I see the same kid, next to a Day care aid. Me not wanting to leave this opportunity behind, I said "Hey, tell that kid he has a nice shirt, Its awesome!!!". The pimping kid smiled and giggled, but I got a different look from that aid. I mean, her face changed up like a piss poor wanker. (The woman was early 20's, but so fat that planets can orbit around her). That bitch started running. Like, rolling cause she was super fat. And I hear "Don't you say something like that again! You should not be spoiling the kid's mind, and If I hear it one more time, I will tell your coach!!!" And just as she finished, she ran into a little kid, and fell on her. That kid, probably from all the pressure, formed into a black hole. So I ran my third lap, confused as fuck why I got in trouble, I mean, my running buddies heard what I said. So we ran the third lap in silence, and reached the end, started stretching, and I see that fat bitch, waddling to my coach. I was not scared because I knew what I said. I her that bitch talk in her whiny trailer home voice that she probably talks to her husband with saying "Train your kids to not mouth of in public, I heard your kids say.... (I couldn't hear from there) And she waddled off. After done stretching, coach had to give a speech about behavior and how he is so crossed at us, etc etc. From that day on, the kids would run away from the cross country kids when they ran the cool down loop.
TL;DR: Said a kid had a nice shirt, got accused and our team got falsely mouthed on by white trash lady.
suludo: Like, what color was the shirt?
[deleted]: Don't remember exactly, but it was like s plaid with something on it. It was snazzy.
suludo: That's pretty fly for a kid. It's a shame you got shit for 'mirin.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408679394 | 1408681039 | t3_2e8w8s | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my mom mad at me
So today I took my mom to my grandmas cause she wants to start looking after her once a week, I can appreciate that and am happy to visit my grandma. Problem is, I am not able to speak Spanish fast enough or grammatically well. However I am able to understand it. So on a typical day with my grandma I would just answer yes or no.
While my mom was supposed to be working she ends up listening to these stories my grandma suddenly brought up about her grandfather and cousins. At this point my cousins come upstairs to eat, they're about the same age as me and cannot understand or speak the language.
My mom expresses her disappointment that we aren't as interested as her in the stories/can't understand what she's saying so she tells us about my great grandfather who was this "expert firework-maker". Later down her story I ask, "what happened?"
She replies, "He blew himself up in an accident"
And of course being the dumbass I am I said under my breath, "some expert...."
Needless to say she was angry, though on the positive note, glad my grandma can't understand a word of English.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: before I say anything else, do you live in America?
A_CanisDirus: That I do
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: she shouldn't really be mad then. English is the primary language here. I know that sounds a little racist but it's the truth.
A_CanisDirus: Hmm maybe this wasn't clear in my OP, my mom told me and my cousins that my great grandfather blew himself up, before she told me that she told me they called him an "expert" at fireworks cause he made them and tested them.
Right when she said he blew himself up I quickly mumbled "some expert", that's how I got her mad, practically made fun of my dead great grandfather.
On a side note my moms not terribly angry that we don't speak Spanish to the best of our ability, in fact it's a dying tongue in the recent generations.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1408676619 | 1408745951 | t3_2e8s47 | t5_2to41 | 44 | Youre_Government: TIFU by clarifying a point
So, it was around 4:30pm, and I was vacuuming up the dust in from all the drywall I had been sanding in the hallway of an apartment building all day. It was hot, I was sweaty, and there was drywall dust stuck to every part of my exposed skin. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
Because the hallway was pretty long, I had to frequently unplug the vacuum and move up to the next outlet. It was one on one of these occasions that I heard one of the most obnoxiously cliche life lessons ever:
> [vacuum cuts out] him, make sure you work hard in school!
I'm sure he didn't mean for me to hear him, he wasn't trying to directly insult me. He just wanted to make an impression on his kid, and I understand that, I really do. I would normally just let it go, but it was a really shitty day (did I mention I spent it sanding compound?) and just saw red.
"Actually..." I said it nice and loud and waited to make sure I had their attention. "I studied pretty hard in school. I even have three degrees! One in math, and two in education! I'm just working here today because this is my dad's company and one of his guys is sick. He needs all the help he can get."
By the time I got this out, I realized the guy had this super apologetic face on the whole time. I don't even think he truly meant what he was saying, it's like something you hear people say, and then when you find yourself in that situation, you end up saying it just because, I guess? Anyway, I didn't let that stop me:
"But I get that you wouldn't want your son to ever be doing this kind of work, that makes sense." Then I turned my eyes down to his kid, "so don't *ever* do what I did. *Never* help out your daddy when he needs it. Just stay focused on school."
We aren't allowed to work in that building ever again and my father is fucking PISSED.
jtbrown1: r/youre_government for the win!
Excellent reply, worth getting booted from that client. Secretly your dad agrees with you.
Youre_Government: It's /u/ for users but thanks! :)
Yeah I'm not too worried about my dad. He'll get over it. I do feel bad though, because a whole building regularly doing business with him is worth a lot
wolfman86: He not sweet talk them round??? ELI5, but what are the reasons for him losing the contract????
Youre_Government: the guy was a member of the board of directors of the building
wolfman86: Like he said; ouch. :D How entitled, though. It's like the guy that goes into a restaurant to eat and takes the piss out of the kitchen/waiting staff.
Youre_Government: The general rule in any contracting type work is that *nobody* talks to the clients besides the owner/boss/foreman. It definitely shouldn't have been opening my mouth at all, especially since the comments were unrelated to the job being done itself.
wolfman86: True. But my two cents......he shouldn't be putting people down, employed indirectly or not at all.
| 8 | 5.5 | |
1408681736 | 1408729832 | t3_2e8zle | t5_2to41 | 459 | r-squared11: TIFU by laughing
Ok, so tonight I finally met my gf's parents over dinner. I was really nervous, but the night was going great, so I was starting to feel better. At the end of the night we were in the living room watching tv, and just as I was taking a sip of water, my gf's father cracked a funny joke. Here's where the fun began.
I clamped my mouth shut to avoid spraying water everywhere, but instead I started choking as I tried to swallow the water between laughs. Apparently this triggered a gag reflex, and I felt vomit start to rise in the back of my throat. But since my mouth was shut, this orange puke (the color of dinner, no less) started pouring like a faucet out of my nose onto their couch and carpet. And of course, since my nose is a small opening, it kept going for a solid 5-7 seconds as my gf and her parents watched horrified.
Once it was done, the smell that was pervading my nostrils was so bad that I threw up again. Of course, due to my fuckyness, I didn't even have the foresight to run to the bathroom, I just threw up all over the carpet again. So now my gf and her mother are horrified, and her father is reaching murderous rage.
I know I need to say something, anything, so I clear my throat, look at the tv (there was a Shrek commercial on), and say: "Better out than in, I always say." Of course, now I'm thinking 'You done fucked up good, bro.' My gf's father stands up and takes a step towards me in anger, so I quickly say "I'll see myself out" and promptly run out the door, leaving a puke-covered carpet and couch in my wake.
I don't think I can ever go back there. I'm currently writing this curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor
**TL;DR:** laughed at a joke, puked on the floor, now I can't go back there anymore
Sarah-Bear: But what was the joke?
robothobbes: And what was for dinner? Mango?
Sarah-Bear: Ouch. That sounds painful. I've laughed fluids out of my mouth, but never solids. Sorry that happened to you man. I would have been so horrified. I'm awful with parents and embarrassing situations lol
[deleted]: Uhhh that isn't OP you're talking to
Sarah-Bear: Oh really? Wow I feel dumb. My ipad highlighted the name like it usually does for the OP. Oh gosh. :(
robothobbes: No worries. But OP still needs to answer what the joke was.
| 7 | 65.571429 | |
1408683060 | 1408750234 | t3_2e91ag | t5_2to41 | 8 | Trevor_johnson: Tifu my masterbating
So today my friend send me a porn link (we always send each other links to good porn). Any ways. It was REALLY good porn so I immediately got horny. Well I thought to myself why not go jerk off. So I went upstairs and locked my door. (Or so I thought). And did my business. But here's the fuckup. I didn't have any place to shoot my spunk. I. Couldn't leave my room because my entire family was home. So I decided to shoot it on my floor. So after that I decided to smear it In the carpet to dry. Then my mom walkes in on me with my pants down smearing cum on my floor. She immediately left and I haven't left my room and decided to write this.
EDIT: sorry about title. Made a typo. Don't know how to fix it
ass_pineapples: I used to cum on my carpet, it dries and attracts ants. I advise against it.
createanewaccountuse: Are you diabetic?
ass_pineapples: I am not, but I do get my daily pineapple intake
Chukwuuzi: Ass pineapples?
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1408685202 | 1408723824 | t3_2e93ye | t5_2to41 | 315 | AreEyeGeeBeeWhy: TIFU by Shaving My Ass Hair
The other day I decided to shave my ass hair, and I am just now finding out what a terrible decision that was. My ass hair didn’t end up in a cake or on someone’s face and I didn’t cut my taint shaving down there. Hell, I’m pretty sure my ass hair is safely scattered outside and interwoven into a nest for birds by this point in time. No, I fucked up because this is the most uncomfortable my ass has ever been in my entire life.
I figured it was a great idea, wiping a hairy ass after a dump is like trying to get chocolate out of a shag carpet. I was sick of navigating a coarse furry forest just to make sure my butthole was clean. So I figured that the obvious solution was to trim it up. Too bad I never realized that the hair was a barrier to keep my skin from rubbing against itself. My bare ass cheeks haven’t come in contact with each other like this since high school.
There’s chafing; so much chafing. The state of my ass is redder than Texas. It hurts to sit, it hurts to poop, and it hurts to move. I thought that cleanup would now be on par with wiping your ass with silk. Nope, try coarse sandpaper. I flinch if air hits it let alone the pillowy softness of Charmin Ultra. Baby powder has not helped, nor has Monkey Butt powder. The hair is starting to grow back and the stubble is scratching the chaffed areas and irritating it even further. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m afraid will never end.
And the worst part? The Swamp ass. Jesus titty-fucking Christ the swamp ass. I sit at a desk all day rocking khakis like Jake from State Farm and a marshy bog of moisture naturally accumulates down my crack. With ass hair it’s fine. Without it, I feel like (what I assume) a dirty slut that didn’t clean up after an adventurous night of ass play feels like. Every time I fart, it feels like I shit myself with the warmest, wettest diarrhea I’ve ever had. Couple this with the fact I ate pizza which gives me gas, and I have been running to the bathroom all day each time I need to let one rip in fear that I might shart myself.
Needless to say I will not be doing this again.
IBiteYou: [To cheer you, oh sore-butted one](http://imgur.com/jO6HRmz)
Such_A_Dog: >
Are these monkeys real, and if so, what are they called. I've never seen such an ass.
IBiteYou: http://www.popsci.com/science/gallery/2013-04/most-colorful-monkey-butts/?image=3
Such_A_Dog: I love you.
IBiteYou: I love you, too.
| 6 | 52.5 | |
1408686887 | 1408786901 | t3_2e9608 | t5_2to41 | 73 | tifuthrow1234: TIFU By having unprotected sex (oral and vaginal) with a stripper [NSFW language]
I went to a strip club for the first time in a long time. I got a dance and everything was going 'normal'. As the night progressed, my friends and I got progressively hammered. I have never gotten a lap dance before, so they bought me one.
The girl takes me into a room and proceeds to do a lap dance. She was hot, good at what she was doing, and etc. As I was getting up to leave, she's like do you want to have more fun and have sex. In my drunken stupor, I said sure. She takes me to the ATM and I withdraw cash. We proceed to the room and get down to it.
Made out, ate her out, she blew me, then had unprotected vaginal sex. I asked her if she was safe and she said she was and that she was even a nursing student. I didn't even finish because I was so drunk and could barely keep it up. The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes. She gives me her number for 'future appointments' and I leave.
I start freaking the fuck out as soon as I come to my senses. I go home, take a scalding hot shower, and try to sleep. I noticed as well that I have a small burn/tiny cut mark at the tip of my penis's foreskin (uncircumcised) and started bawling. I obviously can't fall asleep and start googling STDs and HIV and when to testing. I set up up an appointment for 2 weeks and will be going back at the 3 month mark. The next morning I text the stripper and asked her again if she was clean, and she repeated that she was safe. My friends who were there keep telling me I'll be fine, and that she wouldn't have done that if she wasn't safe. They said she took advantage of me because I was a good target for her (I'm a typical nerd, slightly overweight, not the best looking guy).
I've been off and on crying all day and hyperventilating randomly. I feel like I can barely breathe. I'm extremely conscious of even the slightest tingle or weird sensation down there. I'm scared shitless. I don't know how I'm going to make it. Fuck my life, I'm such an complete, fucking idiot.
TheUnRealTylerDurden: Ohhh man this sounds like how felt from the age of 17 - 23 I banged lots of sluts and felt dirty every time. There's nothing you can do about it now besides what you've already done. Go to the doctors get your tests and hope you come up clean. The panic will go away and just remember how you feel now so this don't happen again. At least she was hot.
tifuthrow1234: Did you ever catch anything?
TheUnRealTylerDurden: Nothing that couldn't be cured with 10 days of pills
penisweed: ew
Ivelostmyreputation: Says the guy with a weed on his penis
peeonyou: That's rich coming from a guy who can't find his reputation.
Ivelostmyreputation: Low blow man
| 8 | 9.125 | |
1408683950 | 1408729047 | t3_2e92er | t5_2to41 | 15 | LoRdOfHoBoS: TIFU by eating Mac and Cheese
This happened to me freshman year of high school.
Growing up I was not the greatest at sports, but my mother always tried to put me into them thinking I was good. Freshman year of high school starts up, and she insists that I do Cross Country.
On the first day of practice, I went home before I went to practice since practice didn't start for another hour. I decided to make myself some Mac and Cheese to eat before I started running. I got dressed and ready to go to practice when I noticed my stomach started feeling a little upset. I shrugged it off and went to practice. My coach gave us his little speech and sent us out on our first run, a 8 mile adventure down a windy hilly trail. About 1 mile into the run my stomach started feeling upset again and I realized I needed to go, really badly.
I start to slow down to get into the back of the group and dart off into a field behind the power lines. I was about halfway to behind the power line when it just starts pouring out of me. I could feel every little piece of slimy disgustingness run down my leg and into my shoes. I get behind the powerline and finish it off. I throw my boxers over a fence and try to figure out what the hell to do next. I ditch my socks. I now have no socks, shit covered shorts, and squishy shoes. I decided to run about 3 miles out of the way to the nearest bathroom to try to clean myself up. I did what I could, and feeling ashamed of myself I walked back to the track field where the team was supposed to meet up after the run. Before i get to the field I see 3 friends that are on the team running towards me. I had apparently been gone for 3 hours, and practice had ended. My coach had sent a search and rescue team to go find me. I sprinted back to my coach and told him that I got lost, but the long on his face as he smelt me said otherwise.
To make things worse I couldn't get a ride home from my parents, so I had to have my friend and his mom drive me home, with my shit smell that carried with me for the rest of the night.
TL:DR I shit myself in front of the cross country team on the first day of practice.
moobeast: Well that was shitty
emmagine79: Well shiiiiiiit
| 3 | 5 | |
1408681680 | 1408706312 | t3_2e8zij | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU because I don't read carefully
A friend messaged me to say that they had the day off today because it was Memorial Day...I'm not American so I didn't realize that Memorial Day is in May.
My reply to news of this unexpected day off? "*That's great!! Hope you are having a great day off!!!*"
A family member died last week...today was the memorial. **The memorial was today**, not "today is Memorial Day".
I'm going to crawl into a hole now.
Dakaggo: Just explain that you thought he said it was memorial day and you misread it. If you're not from the US they'll probably just think you're not used to the way americans speak or something.
WildRose4Ever: I sent several messages after the fact explaining myself...they replied that it was ok...phew.
Still feel like an idiot though.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408689076 | 1408712802 | t3_2e98dy | t5_2to41 | 1,624 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting my D in Crazy... part II
ohfishsticks: Did the phone number she gave you match the phone number that the dude from the other thread told you was hers?
Murklar: It did not. I don't know if it's a remarkable coincidence, or if he lied. But she didn't break his car.
scrumbly: You should add this as an edit to stop everyone else from repeating the question.
occupiedusername: Did the phone number she gave you match the phone number that the dude from the other thread told you was hers?
CrazyKilla15: It did not. I don't know if it's a remarkable coincidence, or if he lied. But she didn't break his car.
MangiferaIndica: You should add this as an edit to stop everyone else from repeating the question.
LowCharity: Did the phone number she gave you match the phone number that the dude from the other thread told you was hers?
i_pk_pjers_i: It did not. I don't know if it's a remarkable coincidence, or if he lied. But she didn't break his car.
Aimless_Drifter: You should add this as an edit to stop everyone else from repeating the question.
oldtobes: Did the phone number she gave you match the phone number that the dude from the other thread told you was hers?
EZ_PZ: It did not. I don't know if it's a remarkable coincidence, or if he lied. But she didn't break his car.
| 12 | 135.333333 | |
1408690934 | 1408729796 | t3_2e9abg | t5_2to41 | 6 | pizzaman500: TIFU by making a black busboy think I'm racist
It was around 1 o'clock and I was sitting at Walker Bros with my friend. We had both finished our food and I had set my wallet out on the table, getting ready to pay. We were absorbed in some political conversation and I hardly noticed that a black busboy had come over to our table to take our plates.
For whatever subconscious reason, I picked up my wallet and hid it under the table. I'm still not 100% sure why I did this; probably I was just clearing the table so it wouldn't get in the way. I'm also a cautious person in general so I thought my wallet would be safer in my hand. Anyway, still absorbed in our conversation, I didn't even realize I did this.
That is until he spoke up. He was about 50 years old and had a strong African accent. He looked straight at me and said:
"Do you really think I'm gonna steal it? It's the second time this week! C'mon man, don't be like that. C'mon now."
Caught totally off guard I didn't even know how to respond. I tried saying I was just being cautious and it was totally unintentional but he looked totally offended. He continued on for a bit in the same manner and finally moved on to another table, concluding I was a racist. Meanwhile, my friend was laughing his ass off, just watching the show unravel.
We paid for our meals and left after about 10 minutes. I probably won't be coming back.
cdncbn: did you notice what you did with your language there? You made the busboy THINK that you're racist, but you're not really RACIST, not at all! you just sometimes hide your wallet when the blacks are around.
that's all
racist
pizzaman500: or maybe i was clearing the table so he could take our plates...but you can see it as you wish
DynaTheCat: It's okay. You can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better, Jim. I mean Mr. Crow.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408690380 | 1408752670 | t3_2e99qi | t5_2to41 | 352 | hrunting19: TIFU by attracting a cult
Our adventure begins one evening when my group of friends (6 of us) were out enjoying some ice cream when we ran in to some unusually friendly people. This group (about 12) of people comes up to us while were eating and start making small talk. It was a little weird, and we actually thought they were trying to sell us something, but they never mentioned anything. We chatted with them a little, tried to brush them off but man they were persistent. They had this system where they would split us up, having different conversations to try to get us to become comfortable with them. We semi-successfully broke out of this social encounter and left but it was too late, they already had enough information. Over the next couple of weeks we saw different members of this group every day. They found out where we work, live, and hang out. They stalked us like crazy. They got our phone numbers and started calling us, visited us at work, we would see them at grocery stores, any public area really. I should also mention we live in a pretty large city with a population of half a million people, it is no coincidence to be seeing them in public. I started carrying a gun in my car just in case. They also started inviting us to "parties" that they were conveniently having when we weren't working. At the time we suspected they were parties with "drink the punch" themes. Thankfully at my place of work, as well as my girlfriends we had security guards who didn't play along with these "friends". Anyone coming to my place of work to visit me got you immediately thrown to the curb by some very large black men. After hiding out for a few weeks, they finally stopped pestering us only to find out it wasn't a killer cult that was after us, but a multi-level marketing organazion known as Amway. These parties that they were throwing were actually to recruit us and sell us shit. Fuck Amway, they seriously scared the shit out of us. I was at the point where I had a gun in my car, ready to blow out some Amway Employee's brains in fear of being raped and sacrificed in the woods by some killer cult.
Queentoad1: Multi-level marketing seems to be getting desperate. Sheez.
hrunting19: yes. very desperate. They should be more careful, I can only imagine how their conversation would go with the police had any of us called them. "No officer, were not a psychotic killers, just Amway employees"
Queentoad1: The one and only "cult" I ever got roped into was Amway. It's more like a multi-level marketing scam. But the level of testimonials from active members was really a brainwash.
hrunting19: They never actually mentioned Amway, or mentioned anything about their work at all. It seemed that they already knew the name had a stigma. Instead they tried very hard to "rope us in" via being very friendly, too friendly. It wasn't until the very end that one of them let the name Amway slip between their teeth.
dreamstar1: Reminds me of the time when a friend invited me to some "economic business conference" where ppl share their experience in making money. I had some time, and went there with him only to find out it was some Amway recruitment conference. He never mentioned the company name until the meeting started. I later cut contact with him after he kept trying to recruit me and pay their start-up fee.
KMilliron: Similar experience, only with Market America.
| 7 | 50.285714 | |
1408692831 | 1408693624 | t3_2e9c7d | t5_2to41 | 4 | Helpmeplzidek: TIFU- By giving my girlfriend hickeys....
TIFU by giving my girlfriend hickeys, the reason this is a problem is well one, they are hickeys, two she isnt supposed to be dating untill she turns 17 next year, three, if her father or brother{ both "thug" been shot/ locked up for many years at a time before} see, consider me dead x_x, like you would think it would be an easy hickey you could use cover up on, but nope horny me has to go make it look like she got shot with a fucking paintball gun at close range. Two on the neck, one of the collar-bone, another on mid/upper boob.... RIP OP. :(
Update- Used lots of cover-up. #Safe
swiftybigdick: Boys will be boys.
Helpmeplzidek: i legit said " oh shit" when i saw it.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408693865 | 1408710882 | t3_2e9d5j | t5_2to41 | 8 | ScooberSteve: TIFU by giving myself not one but two new assholes.
This happened earlier today, I got up and did some chores around my house and once I finished I decied to treat myself to some Netflix time. So I place my fat ass on the couch and like I always do I just plonk my butt down with no regard for what is on the place I am about to put my trunk.
So I am watching Parks and Recreation and after a couple of episodes my back is starting to get sore with the way that I have positioned myself so I wiggle my butt a bit and straighten up and thats when I felt the sharp stabbing pain on my right butt cheek. I stand up and hanging out of my cheek is my wifes cuticle nippers, for blokes they are those nail clipers that look like a pair of pliers. The blade was burried in almost all the way, so I pulled it out and went to inspect my new asshole and clean it up. Whilst I cleaned it up I found a secondary wound bellow the larger hole from the other half of the clippers due to the clippers being spread eagled like a playboy centre fold.
I stopped the bleeding but now it hurts to sit down and do nothing which is my favourite past time.
TL;DR: Sat on a pair of cuticle clippers and peirced my butt cheek in two places.
[deleted]: One, how did you not feel that the first time and two why did she leave her cuticle clippers on the couch?
ScooberSteve: Firstly I have a pretty fat ass (I am overweight but not obese) and I sat down ontop of them in a way I did not notice.
Secondly that was my fuck up to I had used them the night before and because I am a lazy fuck i just chucked them next to me on the couch.
at0mheart: you said they were the wifes...Trying to help out my fellow man..
| 4 | 2 | |
1408697021 | 1408697766 | t3_2e9g1l | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU By sending a dirty picture to my own mother
Yes, today was one of the most.. I don't even have a word for it.. days of my my life. While sending back to back dirty photos to this person i'm talking to.. ( I know, I probably deserve it) I get a text message from my mom reply it, go back to sending pictures, once the picture is sent, I then see that the picture wasn't sent to the guy, but my mom.
My heart then sinks down to my to ass, as i hear a *ding* coming from her phone in the next room.
:/
Well, in the end she was more shocked then anything else, but I can say I did learn my lesson. :)
JustNilt: I can only imagine how mortified you must feel. At least you're not likely to make that mistake again, eh? :)
[deleted]: Neveeeeeeeeeer again!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408697487 | 1409071532 | t3_2e9ggc | t5_2to41 | 87 | TifuAtWork: TIFU by arriving at work with a NSFW subreddit open on my phone. And then I lost my phone.
So this morning I woke up before work and sampled some reddit NSFW content, specifically r/cumsluts.
I thought I'd closed reddit is fun, how wrong was I.
I was running a little late this morning and managed to drop my phone between my car and the building that I work in.
A colleague called my phone and someone answered, a manager had found it on the floor.
I ran downstairs oblivious to what he might have seen, to be faced with him and my phone with about 8 cum covered faces displayed, and a dialogue box asking if I'd like to exit the app. He'd tried to find out who's phone it was and I stupidly didn't have a coded lock screen.
FUUUUCK.
He wasn't particularly cool about it, I was in disbelief.
I've only just started this job. Fucking embarrassing.
Dossicles: By not having a lock screen, you should have seen this cumming
therussianpenguin: you should have screen this cumming
therussianpenguin: i thought it was funny >->
| 4 | 21.75 | |
1408697499 | 1408880764 | t3_2e9ggx | t5_2to41 | 44 | CherrySlurpee: TIFU by letting someone go ahead of me in line at the grocery store.
So the wife and I were out on a date night, dinner and a movie. Afterwards we needed to pick up a few things from the grocery store, because that's how dates go in my household apparently.
anyways, we're picking up stuff, and I grab a 12 pack of beer because beer is amazing. We get a few more things, as we go up to pay she tells me she's going to use the restroom. Ok, cool. I'm a big boy, I can handle this. Only one lane open, but there is no one in line. So I start putting my stuff on the conveyer belt, and a guy with like two things comes up behind me. Me, being the gentleman that I am, allow him to go infront of me.
However, I didn't know how late it was. Apparently I didn't wake up in the US today, I woke up in communist Russia, because you can't buy beer after midnight where I am. The register automatically kicks it out at 00:00, so I wouldn't even be able to sweet talk the lady. My reciept that printed out said 00:00:56 or something to that nature. Had I not been a nice guy, things would have been different.
Jayke1981: Same thing here in the UK - I think Alcohol is prohibited after 11pm in our 24hr stores.
jezum: I've never encountered this before.
Jayke1981: Only know this in my local Asda - UK's equivalent of Walmart
Azusa1362: I thought that was Tesco's.
Jayke1981: No. Wal-Mart bought Asda about 10 years ago. On the proviso that Asda could keep its name in the UK.
Jayke1981: just Wikipedia'd it - Walmart bought Asda in 1999!
| 7 | 6.285714 | |
1408658301 | 1408747729 | t3_2e7yy4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | trousershorts: TIFU by hunting with a scope
This happened in December of last year's deer season.
This occurred at my friend's big-ass farm in rural Alabama, this was also my second time ever hunting. My friends and I got into our positions a few hours before dawn. My position was in a tree stand on the edge of some woods looking out into a field. Hours go by with nothing as much as a squirrel making a noise and I start getting a little bored. I was also up pretty high and completely exposed to the December wind, making everything I had on almost useless. Suddenly I hear a rustling from behind, slowly I turn around to see about six deer that must have bedded down not thirty yards away. The adrenaline is on overdrive now, I raise my rifle and put the crosshair on the only deer with a clear shot and pull the trigger. It might be a good time to say that I had only shot this .30-06 rifle only a few times in order to sight the scope in at 100 yards.
In this shot I succeed in two things:
1.) I literally scared the shit out of all six deer
2.) I scoped the shit out of my forehead
I also couldn't wipe the blood off since I didn't want to get blood on the warm clothing one of my friends loaned me so it looked pretty damn bad when I met back up with them. They laughed, of course.
To this day the only blood I've ever drawn while hunting has been my own.
Nohalfmeasures00: Done that before hurts like a motherfucker.
trousershorts: Yeah man it sucked... my pride was the most hurt though!
| 3 | 3 | |
1408704202 | 1408731773 | t3_2e9m9q | t5_2to41 | 30 | Cnaa: TIFU by taking my new OCD medication.
I've been taking Luvox for few weeks and one of the side effects of it is anorgasmia (having delayed or no orgasm).
Last night I slept at my girlfriend's parent's house and we were getting romantic in her room upstairs while her dad was watching TV downstairs. Started having sex and after about 45 minutes of non-stop sex in missionary position, it was so good for her that she squeezed me so tight that her nails went straight into my back and she pissed all over the bed and couldn't hold her moan and screamed so loud that her dad knocked on the door to see if everything is okay. She puts like five comforters on her bed and all of them were soaking wet with piss including the mattress and my back was heavy bleeding and had scratches all around.
I was not able to finish. It was awkward with the dad but we had a good laugh.
TL;DL had crazy sex with gf on luvox who pissed on bed and deep scratched my back and her dad heard us.
SWEGTA2: Can women really piss while having sex?
I can't even pee after fapping.
Doomblaze: they have 2 holes down there we have 1
SWEGTA2: Yeah, but I thought the body had some sort of stop when it came to urinating during snu snu.
Captain_Oreos: It is called /r/squirting.
rob_var: wait so...
| 6 | 5 | |
1408693610 | 1408722679 | t3_2e9cwo | t5_2to41 | 4 | indaochan: TIFU by not paying attention to facebook
This is both a new and old story but it's a big fuck up in my eyes.
Background:
So, I work in retail and a bar. So my holidays fucking suck as do weekends. I also barely make enough to get by and there's no way I can afford a car. So I bike ride every where when and if possible. I've always played D&D for years with a bunch of friends from high school.
The Fuck up:
So, last year around the holidays I am working my ass off. 60-70 hours a week and it fucking sucks. But I finally get a weekend/day off (sorry I can't remember) and get a chance to chill out with my friends and play D&D. So, I noticed they had a session going and I was like "Fuck yea, I'm going!" So, I got there and just jump on in having no clue what is going on.
My DM likes to incorporate everyone's character in to the story to try and give them a role. So, my group is excited I'm even there and decides to play out my characters role. Well the problem with that is that apparently I had a big role in what was supposed to happen unknowingly at the time. Apparently my role affected the party in a way I didn't know either. So, I made my decision which was viewed as a super selfish thing by everyone else. So, my character was killed and I sat there stunned not knowing what to do the rest of the night with everyone very upset at me.
Another player, myself, and my DM get together and talk it out and kind of patch things together. There's also a horrible reddit post in a few of the D&D subreddits and I basically am told I'm a jackass and wrong. Oh well it happens. Afterwards it's still the holidays for a bit and I'm still flakey due to working and lack of transportation.
The result:
I show up a few more times here and there feeling unwelcome each time but they're my friends what else am I supposed to do? They don't really do much else other than play D&D. Since then most of the sessions have been weekend games so I haven't been able to make them. (Not sure of this is on purpose or not) It's been busy the last few months otherwise and nobody's really been playing.
Finally there's talk of a session after 3 months of everyone being busy. I tell them if we can do it thursday perfect. It ends up working out and we play. I just play an NPC that was in the session. They're talking about a new game though so I figure this is my chance for a fresh start.
So, I inquire about it and ask to be in a certain friends group because he lives near me and then I can get rides. Well apparently this is a problem because there's about 8 of us and my DM want's to split the sessions up in to 2 groups of 4 people. Well my certain friend is in the group that's got 4 people. Apparently this whole new session has been in talks for more than a month as well unbeknownst to me.
Do, I ask my DM what he wants me to do and I am basically told to "skype in" because then I won't cause drama or have to "bother" people for rides. (I'd like it to be known that he specifically said he wanted to go old school with minis and a mat.) But I should still skype in which he initially said he didn't want people doing.
It sucks I feel like I lost some friends.
Tldr: Showed up to a D&D session with out reading what was happening and pissed people off. Now I am being passive aggressively being pushed out of my D&D group because I'm "flakey" and cause drama.
RABIDSAILOR: I don't play D&D, so I might be missing something, but surely **it's just a game**. If they want to stop being friends with you because you fucked up in a game, they're jerks.
indaochan: Oh no, it just feels like they are. Because all they really do is play D&D so if I'm not playing that with them I'm basically not hanging out.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408711761 | 1408730475 | t3_2e9u5n | t5_2to41 | 5 | ImPower: TIFU by punching my friend in the ass cheek.
So, this happened yesterday, but anyway..
I was with my friend and we got bored, so as you do we started throwing punches at each other.
I went to punch him in the stomach(not meaning to connect the punch), he turns around and my punch connected with his ass cheek, what ever way i punched ( my thumb was not inside my fist) it really fucking did damage to my thumb, it was sore and everything but i didn't pay much attention to it. I looked at it 5 minutes later and it was swollen like a motherfucker. Turns out i either fractured my thumb or tore a ligament on my dominant hand ;) Have to go get an x-ray done to find out for sure.
TL;DR: Don't throw punches when you are bored, there's a chance it wont end well.
TheNames_Dave: OPs friend has cheeks of steel
sfified: > [buns of steel](http://www.originalbunsofsteeldvd.com
FTFY
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408702937 | 1408724829 | t3_2e9l4k | t5_2to41 | 8 | Oskar-: TIFU by reading furry yaoi shota doujins at work NSFW
TIFU and only a few minutes ago.
So I'm developping an internal website and I'm pretty much finished with the main functionality and since it's nearly the week-end I was browsing reddit, then /r/yaoi, then I went on a well known yaoi website.
I am in a office where all the desk are separating the room in half and since a few of my coworkers are away in vacations, I am the only one on my side, there is one of my screen which cab be seen from the door and the other one which is pretty much only watchable is you're right behind me.
So I was reading nice furry doujin, and I was quite happy about it, nice story, cute characters, nice ... yiff... and all of a suddent I heard a sound behind me (I don't hear much cause I'm listening to a philosophy radio show at the same time) and I turn my head and I see one of my co-worker right behind me, happly I was not on a explicit passage but I don't know since when he was on the room behind me. I just blushed like hell and switched to my code quickly, now I don't know if he saw something he shouldn't (I am in 90% male work environement where sexuality other than straight is... not well welcomed) I am afraid to watch him in the eyes now..
**TLDR; Watching yiff doujin at work, collegue behind me, don't know what he exactly saw**
SWEGTA2: The guy probably watches porn at work.
Don't worry.
Oskar-: Maybe, but shota are kind of a gray aera in justice ^^'
SWEGTA2: Even if he saw, it couldn't have been that bad. Fifty Shades of Gray is still kind of popular ffs. *pats on back*
| 4 | 2 | |
1408711937 | 1408739071 | t3_2e9uds | t5_2to41 | 14 | TotalDivergence: TIFU by Not Taking Time to Secure My Vehicle
So this isn’t that big of deal but I thought I would post here to get it out of my head so I can go on to have a productive day.
I have been working 12-14 hour days all this week due to a big project going on at my company. Yesterday was no exception another in at 6:30AM out at 8:30ish PM.
I was so happy to leave yesterday that the who commute home I was thinking about the weekend and how it will be nice to have a break finally and how tired I was and how good it would feel to flop down in bed and go to sleep. So, I arrive home, like always, and park in the driveway, as always. Get my stuff out of the car go inside the house and crash into a deep sleep.
Apparently, in between my haste to get inside to bed and my daydreaming, I apparently forgot to put up the passenger side window up on my car! Not only did it rain sheets last night and I had a small flood on the floor of my car when I got in today. Someone in my small neighborhood decided to help themselves to my radar detector that I store in the glove box. So I had to deal with those two outcomes of my lack of attention, which really put a dent in my self-esteem this morning.
..but, just typing this out has been therapeutic already.
Gingertea721: Oh so sorry to hear that...it could honestly happen to anyone
octavesemitone: even me
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1408713129 | 1408719220 | t3_2e9vym | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by waking up in a women dress
I made a bet with my friend in a bar on who will code a game for iPhone in two days this week. As a punishment for losing a bet we agreed to pay a bill in a bar next time and the lost one will drink a ‘steep dive’ set: five drinks descending from 70 to 4 degrees alc.
So the first day I made a half of a game but I realized that I was chose the wrong direction so i started to code a new app. And despite the app was almost done, i didn’t made it in time.
So the day of payoff has come. I bought everybody whisky and took my fateful set: tequila, scotch, rum and beer. After i finished it under an applause of my friends I remember things very fuzzily. I remember us meeting some people, going to clubs and apartments…
I awoke in my apartment next day. I was lying on a coach, my head was cracking up and fuzzy memories were floating in my mind. I hardly rolled from the coach, stood up and went to the bathroom. When i was passing the mirror in the hallway i saw myself dressed in a women dress with a topic. Where was my clothes i didn’t know. Today i will call my friends to find it out, if they remember anything.
tl;dr sleep dive to women dress
[deleted]: Whats a topic?
ghost_orchid: I, too, want to know what a topic is.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408715182 | 1415133452 | t3_2e9z0b | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not starting the utilities...
My roommate and I agree that I would have my name for the utilities. I didn't check that my application was denied and now she showed up and has to stay 12 hours without power. How can I show her I am really sorry? I have apologized over and over but she totally has a right to stay mad at me.
demhandz81: Buy her a vibrator that only plugs into the wall
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408717806 | 1408721652 | t3_2ea36j | t5_2to41 | 60 | throwaways3h9: TIFU by falling in love with someone who is not my fiancé
Oh man you guys. To start off, I should acknowledge I know I'm being a really shitty person right now!
Here's the deal: I'm engaged to a wonderful, smart, funny, successful guy and the wedding is so close that at this point to call it off would basically be the same as leaving him at the altar. I've had cold feet for awhile and I'm using the same throwaway I used when I asked r/marriage about it several months back.
This Other Guy is my best friend. We hang out all the time and have always joked that we were kindred spirits (great joke!). A few weeks ago, we kissed. And it just got worse from there. Texting all the time, talking on the phone, visiting each other at work. A lot more kissing. I made it really clear that we weren't going to have sex, but I'm not sure how much of a difference it would make at this point.
As you can tell from the title, the way I really fucked up is that I'm straight up can't-eat, can't-sleep, every-song-on-the-radio-is-about-us in love with this guy. I haven't felt like this since I was a teenager. In fact, I pretty much assumed adults didn't get to feel this way.
I've never felt this way about my fiancé. I mean never. He's a great guy, and we always have fun together, but it's just not the same. I'm now having to face the fact that I'm about to get married to a perfect-on-paper guy who I love very much but that I'm just not in love with. What am I even supposed to do with this information?
My life is a royal fuck up right now! I've been reading about other people's fuck-ups to make myself feel better and thought I should contribute my own. TIFU!
EDIT: Just want everyone to know I'm reading and genuinely listening to you guys. I realize how crazy my line of thinking was now, I had no one else to talk to about it so I had convinced myself this shit made sense. I was really obsessed with trying to find a way not to embarrass my fiancé or myself and I'm pretty sure that's not going happen. Never realized I was so good at mental gymnastics though, wish I could put that on my resume or something.
2amlullaby: It doesn't sound like you truly love this friend of yours. You haven't felt that way about someone since you were a teenager because that's teenage 'love'.
Love is more than just feeling butterflies whenever you are with someone. It's wanting to be with that person after all the good and all the bad has been taken into account. It doesn't even sound like you know this guy well enough to know what it is about him that isn't perfect.
Either way, you should call off the wedding. Yes it will hurt and cause some hoopla, but going through with a wedding just to avoid embarrassment is wrong, and won't solve any problems you're having long term.
throwaways3h9: That's pretty much what I keep telling myself, that this is just a crush and will fade and I should stick it out with my fiancé. I do care about him very much. But in the end, yes, I just want to avoid embarrassment. Shameful but true.
ChiHawks84: You will be MUCH MORE embarrassed if you go through with this wedding and then get divorced. How do you rationalize this as less embarrassing?
throwaways3h9: Because of the public nature of calling off the wedding. People moved their schedules around, they bought plane tickets and have hotel rooms. We would have to announce to 150 people that this thing we've been planning isn't going to happen. At least with a divorce you don't have to inform everyone you've ever met.
LimerickExplorer: This is utterly insane. Your mind could win an Olympic gold medal in gymnastics.
Call it off.
ChiHawks84: Seriously. This girl needs to not be so incredibly selfish for once. If she has any redeeming qualities or sense of being a decent human being, she calls it off.
| 7 | 8.571429 | |
1408718145 | 1408742595 | t3_2ea3q8 | t5_2to41 | 23 | smartestben: TIFU by not having sex on antidepressants
This is from a while back when I was going through a particularly rough patch in school. Exam pressure and a number of stress inducing factors had resulted in myself being diagnosed with depression and as a result I was put on a course of antidepressants to help me out with the pressure.
They worked fantastically and really brightened my life, except for one department. My sex life. Now as a teenager I wasn't the luckiest when it came to girls, but somehow I ended up in a situation where the girl of my dreams wanted to hook up. Now as awesome as this was, I was pretty much dead downstairs. No matter how badly I wanted her or how hard she tried to please me, I couldn't get my guy to wake up.
All awkwardness aside I still tried my best to make the most of the opportunity, but my lack off arousal just set her off on an emotional breakdown. I mean hysterical crying and self-deprecation at how she wasn't "good enough" for me. I tried to explain that it was my fault but she thought that I was making excuses to make her feel better; only causing more tears from her side.
In the end we both redressed and we didn't talk again for many months. However after ditching the medication for counselling we tried things again I was able to make up my carnal failure.
TLDR; Didn't realise that medication would destroy my libido, as a result destroyed a girls confidence.
smjpilot: glad it worked out in the end
smartestben: Thank you!
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1408718435 | 1408718954 | t3_2ea46y | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By being part of the PC Master Race.
So as is the case with all of these, this did not happen today but a few weeks ago. I go to secondary school in the UK, and in a class full of so called "gamers" who play on their Xboxes all day and like to talk about "killstreaks" and Mountain Dew "XP" codes during class, I am the only person who is even aware that PC gaming exists. So one day Im sitting in class for test revisions, bored as fuck and these peasants start talking about how pro they are because of a killstreak. Now without thinking I shout "PC Master Race!" right at them, then some kid sitting right next to me shouts "Sir!, hes being racist!", while the two kids look at each other shocked. The teacher yells at me to get my ass to the headteachers office, fuck, fuck, fuck! those little bastards probably thought I was talking about some Neo-Nazi shit in the class. I get to the office, I sit down and get a lecture about how a Polish kid like me shouldnt be talking about Nazis, my parents get called and a few letters get sent home. My parents ignore it since they realise that I am infact a member of the PC Master Race on Reddit, they just told me not to say it to anyone due to how it sounds. So Im lucky that my parents let me off on that one, but in the next few days after it happened, I would get called to his office for a talk about Neo-Nazism every single day before the holidays, Ive still got two weeks before I get back to school and Ill never see the end of it, give me some advice Reddit.
[deleted]: Congratulations! You've just made the most banal post I've ever seen on this subreddit.
GabenOurSaviour: Thank you very much kind sir!, now dont mind me while I delete this post to avoid any more hate!
| 3 | 1 | |
1408719236 | 1408983462 | t3_2ea5h1 | t5_2to41 | 2,436 | lifetaken: TIFU by helping my girlfriend stretch.
So, this happened about 5 days ago at my girlfriends first college soccer game. She had to sit out a good amount of the game because of a pulled quad. Safe to say, when she came over to her family and I after the game, she was in need of a good laugh.
But first, a bit of backstory:
Her family really likes me. But, as always in every relationship, her dad is very protective of her. That said, he and I get along very well. Like, really well. We go out to lunch, talk about music and movies and watch soccer games together on TV now that my girlfriend is away (I still like to visit her family though to keep them company).
Her mom knows that her and I have had sex, and she accepts it and she's actually really cool with it. She told me how great it was of me to wait until her daughter was ready, not force anything, yadda yadda yadda (I was not a virgin entering this relationship, but she was). Her dad doesn't know though. He still thinks she is a virgin.
Anyways, everyone was very cool with me and I loved it.
Well, I fucked that up big time at her soccer game.
So anyways, after the game she comes over and the trainer comes with her, and explains that the reason she sat out most of the game was not only because of her quad, but she was super tight *everywhere*. Apparently, she was not in great shape and the training and practice really made her body tight.
So, me being the 18 year old smartass I am, the first thing that comes to mind is her cooter. Her and I had not had sex for almost 3 weeks at this point because she had been suffering from a UTI and then had a very bad fever afterwards, so I can imagine it was pretty firm down there.
So, knowing my girl needed a laugh, I promptly, loudly, and idiotically, in front of her whole family and her roommates, said "I bet I know how I can loosen at least one part of her up," as I winked at her family.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Instantly, my girlfriend and her roommates began laughing hysterically, her mothers face turned to a deep, deep red (like as red as a rare-cooked steak), and her dad grabbed my arms and quickly said "Okay it's time for us to go, bye [girlfriend's name]."
The hour car ride home from her campus back to her house was probably the worst thing ever. Ever. It was filled with her dad screaming about how he knew I violated his daughter, I was terrible for making that joke, and he'd be surprised if I would ever see his daughter again this year.
But, hey, at least I cheered my girlfriend up.
TL;DR: Offered to stretch my girlfriend out, now I'm shunned by her family.
**EDIT:** Damn guys my second post to hit front page...second post here too. Thanks. Anyways, a little update, her dad apologized for going off on me. He knew the entire time (as /u/EbilSmurfs noted). He said he was really harsh on me for making a joke that just happened to slip out. He said he had done a lot of stupid stuff at my age and this was just one of those things that slipped out.
Which leads to another thing, I didn't really think before saying this. My mouth moved before my mind thought about it...and yeah it just happened. Happens to everyone. I thought this would amuse some people so I posted it here.
CAHooptie: A young adult woman has consensual sex with her boyfriend, and her father freaks out about how she was "violated".
*sigh*
sloppyjoes7: You don't know anybody who opposes premarital sex? Whether or not it's consensual is irrelevant.
TyrannosaursSex: Ultimately the father should be calm around the boyfriend. He is not part of the family. She consented, that's all that matters. Dad needs to get a grip and talk to her and only her. Feel bad for OP.
sloppyjoes7: >She consented, that's all that matters.
Maybe if you have no moral or ethical problem with your immature unmarried daughter having sex.
TyrannosaursSex: Which would be an issue you would discuss with your consenting daughter... Not the boyfriend.
sloppyjoes7: [Obvious reply](http://i.imgur.com/c7NJRa2.gif)
TyrannosaursSex: Well. She is in college. 18. AN ADULT. Sex isn't illegal if she consents. To yell at her boyfriend is childish and verbal abuse.
She wants to have sex, her mom knows, her friends know. She and her father are the problem. If she had told her father that she is having sex and he needs to deal with it, he would not have reacted this way.
You cannot hold others responsible for her actions. The father needs to control his emotions.
All these religious, what if she is "supposed to save herself" are stupid. Absolutely stupid. If she has had sex it means that she does not believe it will have any impact on her path to heaven.
So who are you all to judge or make excuses for the father's actions?!?
Sometimes Reddit disappoints me, so naive.
sloppyjoes7: >All these religious, what if she is "supposed to save herself" are stupid. Absolutely stupid.
Whaaah. All those who disagree with me are stupid. I have no worthwhile arguments, so I'll just call other people "stupid."
Sometimes Reddit disappoints me.
TyrannosaursSex: Praise Jesus?
You literally haven't addressed a thing I've said.. Must be some WBC level shit...
sloppyjoes7: You called religious people "stupid."
That's not an argument or question. It's an ad-hominem attack.
TyrannosaursSex: No you're terrible at reading. I said it is stupid to bring up that argument BECAUSE IF IT DOESNT MATTER TO HER, IT IS IRRELEVANT!
Seriously read. This is just sad.
If she cared enough about preserving her virginity she would have. The OP even states that he waited until SHE was ready.
So, if the FATHER thinks she had done something wrong, he needs to talk to HER, because OP is clearly not as religious as her family.
Make sense now?!?
sloppyjoes7: I understand what you're saying. I simply disagree.
That's the interesting block here: you seem to think that if I don't think you're right, then I must not understand you.
TyrannosaursSex: No the problem is you have yet to give a reason why you should disagree. That is the problem. Give me one I can't refute. Thanks...
sloppyjoes7: Because the boy violated and corrupted his daughter. She's complicit, so it wasn't rape, but that means there are two guilty parties instead of one.
TyrannosaursSex: For her to be complicit she would have to be underage. I don't think he mentioned her age. Again, SHE chose to have sex, as an ADULT. There is nothing to be guilty of.
sloppyjoes7: She should feel guilty for premarital sex. I don't know why you're discussing age.
TyrannosaursSex: Why? Because you are placing your ideals upon others.
Not a justification, just an opinion. Any other reasons?
sloppyjoes7: You've done nothing but place your ideals on others, while giving your personal opinion. Why the double standard?
But of course, my opinions are justified.
TyrannosaursSex: I actually took a neutral approach. I was guided purely by logic. There is no questioning my claims. She DID consent.
The only opinion in my statements are that people placing their ideals upon others is the wrong way to look at things. Also that yelling at the boyfriend was wrong.
You're out of your league man. Quit the personal attacks and explain the justification for premarital sex being wrong for EVERYBODY. Stop dancing around the issue it's pathetic. If you can't justify anything with reason and logic walk away.
sloppyjoes7: >I actually took a neutral approach.
No. You. Didn't.
You're opinionated and seemingly incapable of understanding positions other than your own. Your statements are anything **but** neutral. You assume that consent is all that's needed. Well, you're probably a minority in the world with that opinion. Christians, Muslims, and various other groups will question this basic assumption.
You haven't done *anything* to support your assertion that premarital sex isn't wrong. You just assume that too. Somehow, your opinion is the starting point - the default position.
This shows a distinct lack of objectivity.
And your obvious lack of objective thought processes is why I've avoided answering some of your questions - because how can I have a discussion with someone who begins without recognising his own assumptions? It's impossible. We have to be on the same page first.
TyrannosaursSex: Just as innocent until proven guilty we must assume god does not exist until we have proof. Therefore, any assumptions made by ANY religious institution are NOT justified. HENCE, the position that SEX is BIOLOGICAL in nature only.
That is what neutrality means.
So, you gonna keep avoiding the subject? Give me a reason that you can PROVE.
Something real.
You can't, because you're a fucking retard (MY OPINION).
sloppyjoes7: God created the world. The existence of the world is evidence supporting my position.
God raised people from the dead. We have accounts of this. Nature does not allow this. Therefore, there is a God.
God saved an entire race of people, and killed an Egyptian army through supernatural means. Supernatural, by definition, defies nature.
I have evidence, written accounts, eyewitness testimony, and archaeological evidence supporting these assertions.
**I would never believe anything without evidence.** I don't know of any Christian who would believe something without evidence supporting it.
TyrannosaursSex: You're batshit fucking insane bro.
There is no archaeological evidence of god.
The world exists. There is no concrete evidence that god created this world. Not one piece. If you could provide that the entire world would praise YOUR god.
You do not have proof that god raised the dead, you have as you say, an "account". Yesterday my friend jumped to the moon. I have created an account. Is it true?
Do you have video, pictorial, or CURRENT eyewitness testimony of god saving somebody or destroying anybody BY SUPERNATURAL means? Or was this written in a book?
Now, the Koran also has many accounts and eyewitness testimonies. Why is their god less than your god? Why is your book right?
You do not have eyewitness testimony, you have the account of eyewitness testimony.
IGNORE the bible for a moment. Without addressing the bible, or any religious scholar or text, explain to me the archaeological evidence you claim to posses.
What you have is evidence, not proof, that a man lived, that a great number of people migrated and that an army died.
"Once upon a time god came down from heaven and said that all chickens came from a different universe entirely"
You have a written account. I have seen this with my own two eyes. So now it is true.
This is your approach to life.
Proof is saying gravity exists, throwing a ball in the air, then watching it fall.
Your parents did a number on you. Take your creationist crap somewhere else.
sloppyjoes7: >Yesterday my friend jumped to the moon. I have created an account.
Lying to prove your point.
I'm done with you.
TyrannosaursSex: Typical crazy. Knows he is incorrect, shifts blame and begins denial stage. Good day you magnificent fool, good luck with your cult.
sloppyjoes7: No, I just recognize an angsty teenage mind when I see one. Have fun on /r/atheism!
TyrannosaursSex: I'm not a teenager. Didn't say god doesn't exist, said there is no concrete evidence. You have terrible comprehension skills and a veiled view of the world. Thought you were leaving?!?
LULLLZ
sloppyjoes7: I never said were a teenager. I said you have the mind of a teenager.
>You have terrible comprehension skills
Lol
TyrannosaursSex: You still haven't brought anything meaningful up. I doubt you remember the purpose of this thread.
| 30 | 81.2 | |
1408721075 | 1415133530 | t3_2ea8ku | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: tifu by failing to score with a girl who told me she had a condom with her
I was in the library doing research and needed to talk to someone. When I called them they did not answer so I took a break for a few minutes planning to call again. I got up and was walking when a girl stops me. An attractive girl. In a short skirt. She asks me what I'm doing and I tell her that I am just killing time. She says "I need some help with a project and I have a condom if you know what I mean." Then she turns and starts walking away. I say that I can help and grab her hand. When she turns back, our eyes meet and I kiss her. After a second she backs up a step and says, "not here." She turns and starts leading me through the library. We get to the computers and she tells me she just needs some help first. She tells me that the project requires that one person has to be acting as an administrator on the system while the other person is searching and sorting through the data and that she can't do both at the same time. She starts giving me commands to enter on one computer while she is on the other computer. None of it is making any sense to me. Then another girl comes over and starts talking to her. Eventually the first girl leaves and says she will be back and the second girl takes over. Then a guy comes and says that we need to move the computer equipment upstairs. We start disconnecting all the wires and boxing everything up and there are small pieces everywhere that I am trying to pick up and the girl is nowhere to be found. Then I wake up.
TL:DR I couldn't even get laid in my own dream by a girl who told me she wanted to.
demhandz81: Dude, rookie mistake. You're supposed to fuck the computer
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 3 | 1 | |
1408721304 | 1408799207 | t3_2ea8za | t5_2to41 | 320 | prodromalphaze: TIFU by letting the girl i'm crushing on look through my iPod
This wouldn't be such an issue if i listened to top 40, or something a little more socially acceptable.
So it starts like this, she walks over to my desk notices I have an ipod, asks to look through it, naturally I say "sure!" She opens it up, and i quickly realized that the last thing i was listening to was, Forced Gender Re-Assignment by Cattle Decapitation. The look of horror. She calmly put down the iPod and promptly left.
Today I fucked up.
p.s. I don't look like a "metal-head" so there would be no forwarning.
EDIT: We hung out and caught a movie last night. The Giver. Needless to say I was impressed. We went back to my place and went for a walk where every topic was discussed. I asked her if she would be interested in going on a date. She had hesitation and finally said no (in short) she proceeded to feel worried that I was gong to treat her differently because she said no. I assured her that wasn't the case. And that a friendship with her was going to be phenomenal. I'll be hanging out with her again next week. I'm okay with how these events played out.
EDIT 2: She knows I like baseball. She hates it. She has tickets to a game and has invited me to go. Now given the info above, i'm inclined to believe this is just two friends going to a ball game. But, i'd be lying if i wasn't a little excited. We'll see what happens
TL;DR: girl I like looks at my iPod, sees horrible song name, walks off, hangs out with me later the next day. Ask her out says no. Friendship. Not bothered. Now going to a ball game.
dimmus: was expecting this story to go along the lines of
"as she was looking through she found the folder full of photos of her that i'd taken without her knowledge" or something similar
prodromalphaze: sorry to disappoint :(
jerrytheman1998: Why would you just let somebody Go through your stuff? That's weird to me
wolfman86: In these circumstances at least, why would you have an issue???
jerrytheman1998: If a girl, any girl, is asking to look through your phone/iPod, it's because she's looking for something. Youre gullible as hell if you believe she wants anything less than to know who you're texting/messaging and what it's about.
Edit: lol you didn't like my answer eh?
wolfman86: It's nothing to do with not liking your answer......you're right. However, you sound overly cynical. But sometimes you have to do these things to create openings. ;)
jerrytheman1998: Perhaps. Probably would just be safer to have a different way to "create openings" and such lol
wolfman86: It's not my first choice.......
jerrytheman1998: Haha
| 10 | 32 |
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