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1408721511 | 1408756078 | t3_2ea9eh | t5_2to41 | 33 | trumoi: TIFU by dreaming about crocodiles
If it's within 24 hours it counts as "today" right? I don't care, anyways, last night, roughly twelve hours ago, I went to sleep angry after a fight with my girlfriend over something stupid. As such we both fell asleep in the wake of silence after the argument with phones in hand.
As I lay soundly asleep, I begin to dream that I'm in Africa on Safari, never actually been on safari or to Africa but I would guess Africa. Anyway, we're exploring some abandoned brick shelter we found next to a watering hole. Suddenly, while standing on the muddy bank, the ground under me gives way and a little slide later my feet are holding the jaws of a crocodile from clamping on me. I look around, there's like six more. Knowing I'm in trouble, I grab the closest thing next to me, a big red brick, and hurl it at the crocodile's eye.
Can't tell you if dream-me escaped because I awoke to a loud bang and opened my eyes to the horror next to my bed. Even with a shock resistant case, my six-month old HTC one is smashed to pieces after being hurled by a half-conscious moron into my hard-wood drawer. No device protection and no loan-phones available later, now I'm using a shitty flip-phone until I can afford an unlock one.
TL;DR: Crocodile is a drawer, brick is a phone and maybe I should become a baseball pitcher.
lredditatwork: I thought you were going to say you punched your girlfriend in your sleep thinking it was a crocodile in your dream
trumoi: Nah, I only punch her outside my dreams.
edgebigfan: Inb4 you idiot you hit your girlfiriend
trumoi: Inb4 "Sarcasm, you dumbass"?
edgebigfan: Inb4 I got it before all the other peopel did pls up vote my comment pls.
Fuck those people
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1408724349 | 1408749426 | t3_2eaeg7 | t5_2to41 | 3,747 | FavoriteCustomer: TIFU by becoming AT&T's favorite customer (NSFW)
Its a special day in every girls life. The day she gets to update her phone. With glee, rivaling only that of Christmas morning, I made my way downtown to the promise land. It was time. I knew I would have a long, border-line torturous wait, so I treated myself to a latte before crossing the threshold to iOS 7 land.
I'm immediately greeted by a fresh-faced, cheerful young man--eager to assist my phone procuring pursuit. He assures me that a white 5c is 'no big deal,' and that he can deliver the goods in a sweet, short hour. I gratefully agree, and am sequestered to the spooky back sales room. The two young salesmen, both married--sharing the same first name, chat with me effortlessly. As we flit from topic to topic, the young man carefully interjects with punctuated questions, "Otter box?," "Car Charger?" To which I respond, thoughtlessly, "sure." As all sagas do, our tale came grinding halt, when the villian of our story unleashed its wrath on the hallowed AT&T halls.
"Um, when did you last update your cloud, bro?"
The cloud. Christ. I had met my foil. My folly and delight had blinded me to the paramount priority before upgrading a device. Whatever. I'm a cool girl. I'm chill. Let's do this. I got time.
Foiled again. After 35 minutes, my cellular guide broke the news to me. The cloud, try as he might, resisted all updating. This son-of-a-bitch wanted nothing to do with the cloud. In my desperation for iOS 7, I gave in. I submitted to Tom #2's suggestion that I simply trust the iPhone gods to transfer my data. Fine. I gave in. After 5--seemingly 5000 minutes -- Tom gleefully exhaled, "DONE! Let's make sure everything transferred." I was psyched. This was the moment I had been waiting for, ever since I lost my brand-new iPhone 4 during a bachelorette party 2 years prior. Vindication is mine. Hell yes. 5c, me baby. Oh wait. Fuck.
Why is he opening my photos.
"Looks like your contacts transferred! How many.... *giggle* um how many photos did you have?," asked Tom as he tilted the phone to #2, equally giggly.
It is at the moment I remembered. A hot wave flushed my face, as I realized what was happening. Tom and Tom #2 were looking at my tits. Why. Why did I not think to erase LITERALLY THE FIRST PICTURE ON MY PHONE. Then I started to feel queasy, as I remembered, it was not just a tasteful booby pic. Tom and Tom #2 were gawking at the full monty.
I played it as cool as possible, as he continued to scroll through my sex life. Finally, the transaction complete, Tom shook my hand, I thanked him coyly, and he remarked, "Thanks, you made my day." I bet, Tom.
**TL;DR- AT&T guys update my iOS, I update their spank bank.**
felicitas04: I would complain to the manager. They didn't have to continue going through your photos.
fundayz: No shit eh? The moment they saw nude pics they should have stopped and let *you* check *your* photos transfered.
Definitely something to complain to their boss about.
Edit: Nevermind the fact that saying "thanks, you made my day" is just about the sleeziest and most unprofessional thing they could have said. They may have as well said "haha I've seen you naked now".
hopeidontdie: I work for a third party company that sells phones, and we also have a cellibrite machine to transfer customer data. I NEVER look through photos, and always let the customer check to make sure they're all there. It's not worth it.. I've seen some shit.
cockassFAG: If you NEVER look then how have you seen some?
hopeidontdie: Well Mr. cockassFAG, I've learned my lesson, seen a few boobs and asses on customer's phones. But it takes only one giant gaping asshole to make you never look again.
Chieftawsmcool: If I had a photographic memory, I wouldn't need to look again either.
mustangwolf1997: I do. Had it since I was a kid.
It works with motion memories, too. Fun to relive flying through the air from a moving car!
Also sends me into a panic attack.
You know, you win some, you lose some.
peacelovesquirrels: Has anyone ever suggested you do an AMA?
mustangwolf1997: About?
peacelovesquirrels: having a photographic memory......
mustangwolf1997: It's really not something I think I'd make an AMA about. Having grown up with it, it seems really normal, and I don't understand how people can have a functioning memory without it. So I can't compare it to a normal memory, as I don't understand how it works.
| 12 | 312.25 | |
1408727323 | 1408754759 | t3_2eaju0 | t5_2to41 | 23 | slappy012: TIFU by trying to by myself some coffee
So I recently put in my 2 weeks notice in order to quit my job. As a result I've kinda checked out and stopped caring. So, last night I was doing the down run and one of the hotels I deliver too happens to be right next to a Tim Hortons. After I finished my drop at the hotel I thought I would go get myself a coffee. I should probably mention that when I'm in uniform im not supposed to be running into stores and buying stuff, but again 3 shifts left so I dont really give a fuck at this point. As I walk into the Tim Hortons and get into the line I take out my phone and fail to notice that the Director of Operations and the head of the Rooms department are both in the line infront of me. Looking through reddit on my phone I hear the DOP say "I dont remember starting a contract do to Tim Hortons laundry" I snap to my senses and realize whose standing in front of me. They were both looking at me with smug satisfaction at catching me. The head of Rooms then asked "what are you dong here" I knew I couldnt reply with "just getting myself a coffee" so I decided to go with "since we're having such an awesome day today (we actually were really ahead of schedule for once) I decided to come and get everyone some doughnuts." they both kinda looked at each other and im pretty sure they both knew i was full of shit because the DOP suggested that you cant have doughnuts without coffee and that I should buy one of the big things that holds like 50 cups of coffee. So what should have been a $2 treat for myself turned into $20 worth of stuff for people I dont even like.
TL;DR went to by myself a coffee, ran into my boss, ended up buying doughnuts and coffee for everyone at work
[deleted]: What kind of business doesn't let you walk into a place in uniform? Now a bar or some other shady place like that I get, it's unprofessional, but a Tim Horton's? Come on man...
slappy012: its not work related. makes us "look like slackers" Hence me quitting
RyanSH12: I understand that, but if you are out of the "office" doing your job, are you supposed to plan for the whole day and carry any beverages/food with you to prevent going into a business to purchase such items?
If you're in and out just grabbing coffee/food, then it shouldn't be an issue, now if you sit down and eat/drink while not on break I can see it being an issue.
slappy012: It's a Fairmont thing really stupid
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1408728817 | 1408728971 | t3_2eamk0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Throwawayderpxerp: TIFU by browsing a /pol/based fb group and r/whiterights on my companies wifi. How fucked am I?
So my friend follows pol and r/whiterights and sends me stuff time to time and I don't really care for it but I'll read the article so if my friend says anything or discusses it with me I'll know what he's talking about. I work at a top teir company that's HUGE and I don't want them to think that I'm some white supremacist or something. I was on break and I usually turn off my wifi connection and browse reddit just in case if I open a nsfw link on accident. But I accidentally left it connected while browsing a pol based fb page. My companies wifi is open to anyone who is around the building. So there's no "logon" or anything.
Am I fucked? I feel like I can just say my friend linked me something and I didn't know what it is or whatever. I just don't want to be labelled as something and get in trouble.
I feel like since the wifi is open to anyone I should be in the clear. And I was on my phone when this happened as well.
SmallSubBot: Link for the interested:
/r/whiterights:
---
^This ^is ^a ^bot ^and ^won't ^answer ^to ^mails. ^Mail ^the ^[[Botowner](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=DarkMio&subject=BotReport)] ^instead. ^v0.4 ^| ^[Changelog](http://redd.it/29f2ah)
Throwawayderpxerp: Pls no I don't wanna go back.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408725134 | 1408740474 | t3_2eafu4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | poisomike87: TIFU By bringing 2 cash registers down
Today I decided that I would like to have a soda on my way to work.
I filled up my cup placed a lid on it and went to the register.
well..... I went to put the soda on the counter and it hit a display holding lighters and all 60 oz of it poured onto the counter.
eventually the soda hit the cash register and took it out...
I helped clean up the soda as best as I could and because the register was out i gave her all the money I had......
The problem is that the soda was 1.45 and I do not know what to do so I threw the change into the employees hand and GTFO of the gas station. now I am wondering if I paid the whole amount or if I underpaid.
I am never going back to that place again.
demhandz81: What kind of a soda was it?
poisomike87: diet dr pepper
| 3 | 2 | |
1408719085 | 1408748852 | t3_2ea57p | t5_2to41 | 23 | rabidfaux: TIFU by using my dishwasher (when it rains...it pours)
This all started on a seemingly wonderful night at my apartment with my 11 week old basset hound puppy and my lovely wife, as we sat on our newly used sectional whilst watching Jimmy Fallon on the Tonight Show. Never, and I mean never, had my wife or I ever used a dishwasher in our entire lives (we prefer to hand wash), but tonight we made the terrible mistake of using it to try and clean some containers that had some really bad stains (from consistent use). We put it on the normal cycle, with a little bit of soap, on hot water, and let it run. After about an hour I got up to go grab a treat for my puppy and noticed that the carpet was warm but thought nothing of it. When my wife got up her foot sank into the wet carpet and thought that our puppy had peed on the carpet, when she went to take another step it happened again, then she got really frustrated and when she took another step it happened again. We both then realized that it was water and that the dishwasher had overflown. At this point we are both freaking out and my wife says "Quick grab the TV and the Playstation (4)!" (I knew I married the right girl) so I did and I swiftly moved my TV, my playstation, my custom built PC, 7TB's worth of external HDD's and my modem/router (Internet!). I then grabbed my puppy off the couch and held him in my arms as I stared at my wife, she stared back, and I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I have no idea what to do right now, but, at least the water is warm". We called the emergency maintenance and told them to tell whoever was on call that our dishwasher overflowed and caused a flood in our apartment, she took that as "The dishwasher was leaking" so they told us to turn it off and they would come out in the morning. I called back and said, "There is a pool in my living room, someone needs to come out now". They finally did after an hour, only to find out that they couldn't do anything because a pipe had burst, and they had to call a contracting company to come out (another hour) to look at it. At this point we are trying to figure out where to stay tonight, fortunately I was looking after a neighbors cat and he let us stay there for the night.
I got sick that night, my wife was having chest pains and had to go to the ER. the next day my wife had to go back to the hospital for the chest pain she was having that brought her to tears, and I had a sickness like no other with a fever, stuffy nose, nausea, sore throat, and neither of us had eaten anything all day. When we got back from the hospital we were told that we had two days to move out. For the next 13 hours we made hundreds of trips back and forth (about 40 meters away) from our flooded apartment to our new apartment carrying whatever we could in our arms, with no help from the front office. Half way through our move, we decided to start taking all of our electronics to the new apartment, but of course, it started to rain as we were carrying it to the new apartment, and by rain I mean hellacious down pour. We waited out the rain, continued to move until midnight, and then we both had to go to work the next morning. I was going to be in class all day, and she (is a registered nurse) would be working a 12 hour shift..
**TLDR**: My wife and I used a dishwasher for the first time ever flooded our apartment, wife went to the ER twice, I got sick, and had to move in two days, all in the span of 3 days.
When it rains it pours
Dezireless: Why did the management force you to move out? Also, look into Black Mold. Hope everything is ok with the chest pains.. :(
dragonwart: Do not however look up black mold on /r/nosleep.
fuckass_dickhair: Op and his wife are now zombie things. Rip in piece.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1408729354 | 1408767310 | t3_2eanj5 | t5_2to41 | 117 | PM_Me_pugsNdrugs: TIFU by getting by swallowing my own sperm.
So I had a "Friends with Benefits" relationship with this girl whom I always thought was a little on the freaky side (she has many toys and fucks black guys).
She was into all sorts of weird stuff but to my surprise, she doesn't swallow. So when she went down on me the other night, I agreed to give her a heads up when I was about to finish.
(I was lying on my back).
I squeezed her arm to let her know I was almost there and then I began making my "OH-Face". At the last second, she pops her mouth off and starts jerking me off quite vigorously. I wasn't paying attention but she was aiming me at myself. Before I knew what was happening I felt a cumshot hit my chest, then hit my cheek and the last one hit the roof of my mouth. All I could think was "FRIENDLY FIRE, FRIENDLY FIRE!!". I accidentally impulse gulped and then realized I just swallowed my own swimmers.
I really need to start eating more fruit.
Edit: TIFU by becoming a racist.
kwyjiboner: >and fucks black guys
2kinky4me
bl0bfish: Hotdog in a hallway
THEdopealope: Frankfurt in a field
| 4 | 29.25 | |
1408731199 | 1408765505 | t3_2eaqzd | t5_2to41 | 234 | [deleted]: TIFU by admitting to my boss that I sleep with prostitutes
So I walked into my boss' corner office today to bring him some paperwork. His desk is on the opposite wall of the door and the screen faces you so you can see what he's looking at when you walk in.
Immediately he closes the screen but not before I see the website- the escort section of backpages. He tells me to sit down and I do but there is clearly a heavy aura of awkwardness in the room.
I don't know why I thought this was a good idea but I ask "what were you looking at?"
He says "some things are better left unsaid". So I kick it up a notch and say "backpages is no good, theeroticreview is better. I used to do this stuff a lot"
He looks at me for a few minutes, hands me $500 and says "have fun with this and never speak about this again"
He's married with 2 kids, extremely wealthy, and stands to lose millions in a divorce. You can't make this stuff up.
EDIT: well I should be honest. This happened more like 8 months ago. I'm still employed here
demhandz81: And then OP fucked his bosses wife while making it rain with the $500 his boss happens to have on him all for giving him advice.
Because that happened.
premiumPLUM: Not only did that happen but his wife was so sore from the fucking, because OP has the most massive dick ever as he states here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2eaqzd/tifu_by_admitting_to_my_boss_that_i_sleep_with/cjxokyr, that she was never able to fuck the multimillionaire again. Can confirm, am gynecologist who put the vagina back together after OP wrecked it.
demhandz81: But wait... theres more! OP used his massive dick during biblical times to spread the Red Sea and then fucked it right in it's ocean pussy. Everyone climbed aboard OP's dick and made it safely to the promise land.
OP you da real MVP
TheFenixKnight: Don't forget that time that OPs dick was so massive that many tribes of people used his dick as a bridge from Eurasia to America.
demhandz81: Oh yeah I remember one time my car blew a tire out but I didn't have jack so OP came by and used his massive dick to jack my car up. Thanks OP!
bigzuke2: At least he didn't jack your car off
new_fauxmantics: And then everyone applauded.
bigzuke2: Well dammit I'm trying
| 9 | 26 | |
1408671440 | 1408758219 | t3_2e8k4m | t5_2to41 | 4 | the31person: TIFU taking the trash out
I am currently visiting my grandma's place with my brother and mom, and tonight my cousin and her dad came over for dinner. After we ate, my grandma asked me to take the trash out. No problem. I took the plastic bag and headed out to the garbage room in her apartment, but I stopped when I saw a similar yellow plastic bag in the hallway. Being the rational man I am, I automatically assumed it was trash that also needed to be taken. I went outside and put both bags in the [trash chute](http://chutes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/trashdoor1.jpg).
When it was time for my cousin and her dad to go, they started looking for the Tupperware that they filled the remaining dinner with, so my cousin's mom had something to eat after coming home from work. Thinking the situation was very strange, I started to look for it too… until it struck me. I remembered one of the trash bags being abnormally heavy and seemingly containing plastic containers, something that had not appeared as important until that moment. With all the food and my grandma's precious Tupperware down God knows where, I am now responsible for a very hungry aunt and a very cross grandma. Somebody help me
smjpilot: So you basically mistakenly called your grandma's cooking trash...
the31person: Never thought of it that way. That makes me feel worse
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408731290 | 1413331183 | t3_2ear5r | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by cheating on my GF.
So I had a girlfriend that I was so in love with, and the thing is, we were a long distance relationship. But I still loved her so much.
We had recently gotten back together after a break-up that lasted 8 months. Before the first break-up, our relationship had last 7 months.
After we got together it only lasted 2 months... because I fucked up.
There was this other girl that I had met at my church that i found somewhat attractive, but I didn't want and wouldn't have done anything anyway with her because I had a girlfriend that I loved so deeply..
But somehow she came to me, she made the first moves and was always asking me to hang out. So we hung out a lot. Just as friends, and well, I had some feelings for her after a while but I felt extremely guilty hanging out with her, because it was obvious she likes me too.
One night we went to the movies. It was just us. We didn't do anything crazy, we just went to the movies and well basically cuddled with each other while watching the movie. It was a great night, but I couldn't do anything but feel guilty.
I told my girlfriend the next day what happened because I felt guilty and wanted her to trust me I didn't want to keep anything from her. I mean all we did was cuddle and watch the movie we didn't kiss or anything. I understand what I did was wrong and I told my gf that I kinda had feelings for her and I told her I felt so guilty and I cried on Skype.
She was happy that I told her but also extremely jealous. I told her I was really sorry it wouldn't happen again. I don't think she trusted me afterwards because it was long distance. And she wanted to stay with me though, but I mean i consider what I did cheating I basically went on a date with another girl...
But she was happy that I told her and was gonna stay with me because I didn't keep anything from her. But she went to her friends and told them the story, because I made her feel like shit which made me feel like shit and her friends saw that I was making her feel like shit. I wish I could have comforted her but I live 2500 miles away from her.
Her irl friends convinced her(or or at least I believe this because she told me she loved me more than her best friend) that she should break up with me because it was an unhealthy relationship and it killed me. We had plans to meet up and everything.
The thing is I didn't know she was talking to her friends about it, she told me everything was fine and we seemed fine for a week, but suddenly out of the blue, she texts me saying she is done with me. And it killed me. I fucked up, and I know I did, I admitted it to her, but she told me she was done with me and than proceeded to ignore me, she didn't even talk to me about it... she just texted me and it stopped. And just that morning she had told me she loved me... but then hurts me so much by ignoring me and not explaining to me anything.
But it was all my fault, I fucked up... and it still hurts.
I_Love_My_Boss: you didn't even cheat on her bro hahaha. You'll find someone better don't worry about it man
R0N_SWANS0N: Perspective reversal; if your girlfriend went out to the movies with a guy, alone, and cuddled, you would be ok with it?
I_Love_My_Boss: i wouldn't care in the slightest. i would leave that bitch haha not hard at all
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1408734131 | 1408741312 | t3_2eawhz | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a psychotic addict.
Well here is a really big TIFU written with a throwaway account, because it contains a lot of personal issues in my life.
- We'll start of with an introduction om myself:
For several years I have been struggeling with severe mental disorders throughout my life. I was first admitted to a mental institution at the age of 14, then again at the age 21 followed by another a year after at age 22. Since I was admitted last time I have been in threatment and therapy since all the way up to this day. My current diagnosis is paranoid psychosis and I'm being treated with the drug "Amisulpride" to those who are interested in that sort of things. In 2013 i develope a serious addiction to marijuana, and in periods of my life I completely dragged myself away from the world so I could smoke all day. I've tried to stop myself from smoking and i managed to stay away from it from 9 weeks, before I in july 2014 falls right back into smoking everyday.
- The story:
The problems begin in july 2014. I've signed up for a chemistry class to have an income during the summer before I begin studying at the university. But about a week in the class i started abusing marijuana again, and therefore stops showing up to class. The results of this is that I get thrown out of school and my source of income was lost. Now I was in trouble, because i had to pay rent among others things in august too. Money was already starting being a problem since I've already spent around 400 euros on marijuana alone. Another problem was also arising at this point. Due to the amount of marijuana i smoked everyday I started getting psychotic episodes again, with total black-outs and no memory of what I've been during for several hours.
At one point I start going through my stuff to find out what had any value, but it's not only my stuff that are in this apartment. My ex-girlfriends stuff is also located here after our break-up, because she still doesn't have space for it but I do, since I was the one who stayed in our mutual apartment. So after I'm done looking through my own stuff, I start - just for curiosity - to look through my ex's stuff. And then I find it. The massive gold-necklace that she recieved from her father during christmas 2013. Her father got the necklace from his mother, who got it from her husband. So a beautiful piece of family-jewellery. I put the necklace back and stops my search for the day. I smoked a blunt afterwards and headed to bed. And this is where it really went wrong. The next morning I have absolutely no memory of - I must have been in a psychotic state of mind when i woke up. I regain my memory sometime between the hours of 22-23 that evening. The first thing I do when I realise I've had no idea of what I'm being doing the whole day, I start looking through my pockets to check if all my belongings are still there. And suddenly I find cash, and lots of it. I begin to be suspecious because this amount of money is way more than was in my account the day before. I go out and check my jacket's pocket and there I find a receipt from a local shop for 2000 euros worth of old gold. Shit. My fucked up psychotic brain had sold my ex's necklace and already used some of the money during the day. Now, the problem here is that I couldn't afford to buy the necklace back with the money that was left from the transaction and my money in my account wouldn't cover it either. I panic. But after a while I begin to think, maybe she wouldn't notice it until after I was able to gather enough money to pay her the amount I had recieved - in case I couldn't get the original necklace back. But the problem with addicts and money is they get tempted. So i started using a little bit of the money everyday until I find myself using 70 euros a day. Suddenly some of the money went to rent, food and marijuana, until very little was left. Throughout the month I've had several psychotic breaks after I've sold the necklace, which also made controlling the money even more difficult.
At one point during the month, my ex comes home to me to get some more of her stuff she has lying around here. She collects clothes and other practical things. And then she wanted some of her old jewellery too. Including the famous inherited necklace. Shit. Somehow i manage to convince her that's she probably hid it somewhere in the apartment and forget where. So she leaves with her stuff and everything seems good.
Until last night. A friend joined me in the apartment for beers and we sit and drink heavily most of the night. And suddenly it snaps for me. I can't stand the thing that I have done. So I call my ex and confesses. She get's really pissed (of course) and tells me to either get the necklace back or give her the money, which i agreed to but I couldn't promise her the whole amount next month. We talk back and forth for a while about how big of an asshole I am and how stupid I am for smoking myself into psychotic breaks. At one point I tell her she should report me to the police for the theft of the necklace, partly because I felt that I've deserved to get in trouble for it and because the insurance most likely will pay her up front, with me paying them off in more reasonable rates. She refuses. We conclude our call and I sit around for a while thinking what to do next. I decided to call the police and report myself for the theft, so my ex shouldn't have to deal with the paperworks. The officer responding took my name, adress, confession and filed a report. He said since it was my first time breaking the law I would most likely get a fine for the theft. He also suggested me to call the shop where I sold the damn thing. If the necklace was still around there, the police could come at pick it up and end up with a much better result than just money for my ex.
Afterwards I go to bed. The next morning i call the shop and ask about the necklace. Unfortunately the necklace was already in the process of being made into other pieces of jewellery out of town. Shit. So to summarize - the necklace is gone, I need to pay my ex 2000 euros and I will recieve a fine from the police probably around the same amount as I recieved for the necklace.
- The aftermath
Due to the things I have done, I've decided to admit myself to a rehab-facility to get a hold of my marijuana problem - I'm starting up monday. I've had a meeting with my psychiatrist today and upped the dosage of "Amisulpride" to prevent these psychotic breaks to happen. I don't ever think my ex is going to forgive me for being such a fucking idiot, but luckily I should be able to pay her back already in october.
This is the biggest TIFU of my life.
- TL;DR:
Fell back into my addiction to weed, smoked myself to psychotic breaks, sold my ex-girlfriends necklace which belonged to her now deceased grandmother.
SephiXen: Marijuana... it only takes one time.
LOL j/k this is silly bro you're blaming a planet for your deep seated mental issues. 1/10 would not read again.
dragonwart: It's not silly. Mars has been controlling me for years. He makes me eat catnip and blackout and jizz in weird places like your moms face. All hail the planet Mars.
| 3 | 3 | |
1408734058 | 1408736005 | t3_2eawd1 | t5_2to41 | 25 | fromnj32: TIFU by explaining marriage to my little brother.
So I'm in my room, minding my own business, when my 9 year old brother walks in.
"Hey fromnj32, when I get married I'm gonna..."
"Wait you want to get married?"
"Well yea, doesn't everyone?"
"But then you'll have to be with one girl for the rest of your life"
The smile left his face, his eyes widened.
"You mean, forever? No, no, no. I can't do that. I'm not gonna do that. Forget it, forget it."
Laughing my ass at his reactions, I continue to mind my business. A few hours later I get a phone call from his friend's mom. She's pissed. Apparently my brother told all his little friends that if they get married they get to be with only one girl, and they ALL freaked out.
happyendin9: "Hey fromnj32, when I get married I'm gonna..."
You should never use your real name as your screen name...just a friendly reminder
fromnj32: haha
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1408736566 | 1415133433 | t3_2eb0tl | t5_2to41 | 4 | parox91: TIFU by losing a brother
So one day my my friend, let's call her... Rachel, and I were talking about random stuff and about our friend, lets call him... Ben.
So Ben was brought up in the conversation and I said: "so Ben and I are Eskimo brothers, right?"
Rachel responds: "What's an Eskimo Brother?"
I respond with [this link on her laptop](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Eskimo%20Brother)
I don't mind the guy at all, he's a cool guy and I would enjoy hanging out with him and his frat brothers (I actually have before this).
Now, Rachel ended up telling him what I said and he was really weirded out so much that he doesn't communicate with me anymore.
TIFU by losing an eskimo brother
demhandz81: You can gain him back though if you fuck him hard enough
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408738847 | 1408759943 | t3_2eb4t2 | t5_2to41 | 138 | SchwillyMaysHere: TIFU by taking my bottles and cans back to the store.
I know not all states do this but here we take our cans back to the store to get the deposit back. The machines wouldn't take all of the cans so I needed an employee to count them for me. I pushed the button and a hot employee came out. I meant to ask her for a "hand count". I asked her for a "hand job".
javaski: Well... did she deliver?
Eztannor: OP pls
thisisme101: RIP in peace OP
beef_eat_grass: Rest in peace in peace? Not enough peace.
motersk313: Peace mahn..
roytheshort: RIPIP in peace.
ShachonianX: RIPIPIP in peace.
| 8 | 17.25 | |
1408740893 | 1408868844 | t3_2eb8an | t5_2to41 | 40 | Accidentalanarchist1: TIFU by masterbating with AXE Apollo which burnt my skin to a crisp and now my penis is useless.
So, I was traveling for work and forgot my body wash, grabbed some AXE Apollo at the Rite Aid next door to my hotel and took a shower. Later, after talking with my girlfriend and watching some stupid movie with Emma Stone, I got frisky and decided to unleash my manliness. I had no lotion so I thought AXE would be a fine alternative. In the process the wash started to hurt and burn my flesh, but Emma was on the brain so i finished up. Now its been two days and all the skin on my shaft is destroyed and AXE fucked me up. I can't get naked with my lady cause all the skin is pealing off in chunks. Thanks AXE!
Stop_Being_A_Creep: Why are males so fucking stupid when it comes to their dicks? Do not put anything not made for lube on your dick. You might as well just call it a day and masturbate with a brillo pad
Chukwuuzi: Hair conditioner is fine, so are some oils like almond oil.
Sciencenut1: Any oil that you might put on food is probably OK. In a pinch, I use just straight vegetable oil from the kitchen.
Chukwuuzi: Baby oil is good, but not for your food.
| 5 | 8 | |
1408725136 | 1408818842 | t3_2eafu9 | t5_2to41 | 1 | Studlymofo69: TIFU by sending my girlfriend a picture of a hickey on my neck.
So my girlfriend went off to college 500 miles away about a week ago. Then last night I was at my apartment at college and a few friends were over. I was texting my girlfriend all night and even told everyone about her. I even got shit for talking to her all night. At some point in the night someone pointed out a darker spot on my neck that resembled an old hickey. So I sent a picture of it to her, giving her shit about giving it to me, and not thinking anything about it. This morning when I woke up she texted me "good morning" before I even woke up and everything seemed fine then I joked about the hickey again and she started acting a little weird. She goes on to say how it couldn't have been her that gave it and how some other girl would have had to of given it to me because she had been gone for a week and hickeys usually show up the next day. Im not for sure if it is even a hickey or not but I know I haven't even touched another girl since she left. So now she thinks I hooked up with another girl and won't respond to my texts, and to make things worse she is in meetings all day so she couldn't talk on the phone if she wanted to.
EliteSpud: Freshmen in college?
Definitely a freshmen in college.
Studlymofo69: Little older.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1408743640 | 1408744701 | t3_2ebd1o | t5_2to41 | 6 | Syephous: TIFU, by pulling a prank in English class.
This happened yesterday, but I'm honestly getting paranoid and shit.
In English class yesterday, we had an activity where we go to padlet.com and have an anonymous discussion on a book. It went pretty well, but I had an idea that I thought would be hilarious. I figured I would go into the the periods discussion that happened during my lunch and spam it with funny pictures and comments.
The next period comes around, and that happens to be my lunch period, and I knew that he wouldn't start it up right away, and I also knew he would immediately pull it up on the projector and board, so I got onto my school laptop and pulled up their wall (the link was already up on his website) and pointed it for everyone in my table to see the chaos go down. I open it up on my phone too so it can't be tracked to me.
Step two comes in here. I open up a new tab and download a bunch of pictures of Shrek. I post a collage of them and at the bottom of it was a picture of the original Shrek is Love 4chan post. I can almost hear the laughter of the class as the posts come in when the activity starts. My Comments like, "lol wat?" "Haha" etc. My table cracks up laughing too. I refresh the page again and see that they have been removed. This is where it should have ended. Instead, I push more...
I let the discussion get rolling then decide I'm gonna flood it again. I go through my phone and start posting random funny pictures. My table uproars, I refresh again, notice there are no more posts and mine have been deleted, I see that my posts have also been deleted. I post 3 more, then see that a post made by the teacher was made, it basically said that because students couldn't handle taking the discussion seriously, the wall has been shut down. This is where I go past what I have now considered the point of no return. Thinking that no one would see, and that this definitely wouldn't be seen on the projector at the front of the class but would still make my table laugh, I posted a very lewd and inappropriate picture of Jessica Rabbit masturbating. I refresh the page for 5 seconds so my whole table could see, and there it was, my table uproars with laughter. I leave lunch feeling like a champion. The very next period, I hear from someone in that class what happened, (no one knows it was me, I was waiting to hear what the reaction was to let everyone know.) Apparently he got really pissed after all the other pictures, and closed the wall down, but not on the projector, so when I posted the picture of Jessica Rabbit, he must've hit refresh or something, because suddenly there she was, staring at you in all her nude glory.
After the school day ends, the story had gotten around pretty well, and I heard quite a few people talk about it on my way out to the bus. I decide not to tell people quite yet, but I'm tempted.
This brings me to today, I have a friend who tells me that basically he has banned everyone from the in class computers until the guilty people (when it's actually person) own up. This class has been done completely through computers up to this point. He is also very pissed. When I get to the class, my fears are confirmed. He is livid. He tells us that we are doing everything pen and paper for as long as the perpetrators don't own up publicly, all semester if he has to. I think about owning up, but not to all of it, especially the porn and realize that wouldn't help because not everyone owned up to all of it. This sucks, but I think I'll make it. I'm starting to get paranoid though, because I don't know who all knows it was me and if they'll snitch. And if I'm found out, I could get suspended. Then, lunch period comes around and I tell everyone around me that knows to please stop talking about it and that what happened doesn't leave this table or I could risk suspension. One of them tells me that everyone would be pissed cause that means I also get kicked out of marching band. I go through the rest of the day and start hearing students telling me about how they want to beat the shit out whoever did it, even my own cousin says she wants to hurt that person. She was in that class that it happened.
Guys and gals, this brings me to here. I'm really worried and paranoid. But to me it seems to be more on the side of not telling. On one hand, we have me getting suspended, which leads to disappointment from my parents, the loss of privileges and kicked out of marching band, something really important to me, and possibly getting denied from a college due to that reason because I fucked up once. Then there's shunning from my friends and other school mates and have no computers for 14 weeks in that class. If I fess up, we have computers for an extra 45 minutes during the day and slightly less writing to do. I'd like your guys' advice and/or consolations but I think it'd take something earth shattering to make me tell what I've done.
Edit: Tl; dr: Pranked an online English class activity by posting pictures, one including porn. Teacher is pissed, classmates hate the anonymous prankster, I'm risking suspension and my future and my marching band. Need advice.
MiaOh: You fucked up repeatedly. If I were your classmate, I'd rather you own up. If they tell the prof that your did it ( and someone will) the punishment is going to be more severe.
Can you discuss this with your parents? They will know better about the extent of possible punishment
Syephous: I could never tell my dad, but I'm considering talking to my mom about it.
| 3 | 2 | |
1408743012 | 1408746985 | t3_2ebbyk | t5_2to41 | 9 | RigaudonAS: TIFU by dropping a cleaver.
Just for some backstory, I had made some chili a few days before, and wanted to spice it up a little. I went to my little pepper garden and grabbed some ghost peppers. I went to my cluttered (this is important) counter, and got out the cutting board. I started cutting, and all was going well. My eyebrow was itchy, so i scratched it. All of a sudden, the cleaver fell. I felt a dull pain, but not anything too bad. I look down and my foot is gushing blood. My father helped patch my foot up, and it's doing pretty well. In the end, the ghost pepper juices on my eyebrow hurt more than the cleaver in my foot. Also, my dumb friend touched his eye, and that was a whole thing.
MrAlarming: At least it didn't cut your toes off. I have seen that before.
RigaudonAS: Yeah, just the tip went in, so while the cut was kind of deep, it was small.
InfidelUSA: Hahahahahaha just the tip
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1408744018 | 1408755518 | t3_2ebdnu | t5_2to41 | 39 | vainblitzkrieg: TIFU by licking my own cum
Like most TIFU stories, this one happened last night. I've been trying to get the courage to post this so I could get it off my chest and make myself feel better. I figured I might as well post it now.
Last night the girlfriend and I decided to smoke some weed and have some fun since both of us start classes again for the semester. I'd also like to mention that it's been about 5 days since we've done the dirty so I'm ready to go at any moment. The girlfriend agrees that it's been a while so we both go to the bedroom. After about 3 minutes of pumping I've finished (shut up, I know) and am still fully torqued. So in my high mind, I think that I haven't cummed yet since I still have a raging stiffy so I'm still ready to go. She looks like she's still willing to go so I start kissing her body and fondling her. One thing leads to another and I'm down near her crotch and still kissing around. One thing I do that she seems to enjoy is inserting my tongue within her as some sort of faux penis. As soon as I perform this, my tongue laps up whatever was inside her. Now at this moment, I totally forgot that I have deposited my little men inside of her so I bring my head back and contemplate what this substance can be. Within 2 seconds, I realize what I've done. My eyes grow wide and I shudder. I try to play it cool and start licking her inner thigh, hoping my girlfriend didn't notice. My girlfriend busts out laughing and yells, "You tasted your own cum!" She is still laying on the bed, laughing at me and I just sit on the ground, buck ass nude, groveling in my shame.
TL;DR: My cum tasted like almonds.
maltedbacon: The only fuck-up is thinking that this is a big deal. What exactly are you ashamed of?
TheEighthGrader: I've tasted my own cum so many times, so many different ways. Kissing after oral. Oral after intercourse. Accidental mouth touching after carelessly masturbating. It didn't occur to me until now, but thinking about it, it might mean OP and I are gay?
Lightning_Boi: Mine tasted salty...
TheEighthGrader: Hmmm...if you are telling the truth, either I've been tasting your cum and thinking it's mine, or else you've been tasting mine and thinking it's yours. Because you just perfectly described the taste of my semen.
Lightning_Boi: We are one and the same man.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1408744178 | 1408748777 | t3_2ebdxc | t5_2to41 | 5 | 12weekly: TIFU by using Nair on my genitals. [NSFW]
I am a male. I had researched online and read the directions and warnings, so I knew there was a chance of violent misfire, but the success stories drew me in, as the clippers weren't getting it all and I don't like a blade that close to my downstairs mixup. It went well at first, no discomfort until about a minute in, horrible itching followed by burning on the entirety of the left side of my genitals. After immediately washing it all off and assessing the damage, I'm currently left with a sleek smooth right side, and a hamburger meat semi-splotchy left side. Awesome.
blondewithambition: Well I'm going to say do the other side that way it's smooth all around. Don't half Ass it do it right hey a little burn for smooth nuts= happy gf's.
12weekly: Dog my left nut looks like a peeled grapefuit. Not even gonna attempt round two.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408747593 | 1408795362 | t3_2ebj7x | t5_2to41 | 32 | MushroomMountain123: TIFU by double tipping
It was my first time ordering delivery pizza with a credit card. Apparently, you're supposed to write the amount you want to tip on their copy of the receipt, and they'll charge you for it afterwards. I thought the line on the receipt was just for writing down how much I tipped them in cash, for tax purposes or something. My sister saw me give the driver cash, and made fun of me for hours for it. It wasn't a lot of money or anything, but fuck.
kc5: Lol... but fuck
SecretInsemination: *butt
kc5: he said but.
plasma1147: *butt
kc5: fine
AbsentmindedAsshole: *fuck
| 7 | 4.571429 | |
1408749238 | 1408872027 | t3_2eblpt | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by dislocating my knee to get £5
The happened around 5 months ago. So me and a group of friends went to a roller-skating rink as a merry band of youths should in the summer holidays. Anyhow, this roller-skating place is stupidly overpriced and even refuses to give you tap water, which combined with a combination of skating your ass off for 3 hours and them pumping in the heat in order to make customers buy more drinks, quickly leads to dehydration and a very desperate set of people.
So I'm skating round pretty parched, considering leaving soon because I was broke and so thirsty my mouth felt like sand was its main source of hydration. But I decided to do one more lap of the rink, get my shoes and leave. I'm coming round the 3rd to last bend when I see the beauty that is five beautiful Great-British Pound Stirling, carelessly left on the floor, for poor dehydrated fools like me to grasp at to exchange for just a few drops of any liquid, at this point I didn't care what I got or how I got it, but I would get it. So desperately I take a sharp turn round, and re-align myself in front of the note, watching it so no thieving rascal can help themselves to the piece of paper which would allow me to finally have something to drink.
As I prepare to claim my prize, I thought to myself how I would get the note without anyone seeing, because I genuinely think I was in a state of severe paranoia, and the whole rink was part of a master scheme to kill me through de-hydration. Nonetheless, I decided that I would "fall over" on the note and protect it as a mother hen protects her egg.
I begin my entrance, with an amateur skaters grace, but slowly realise my fate as I push forward. This was no longer a controlled fall.
By concentrating on the £5 so hard, I forgot I was on skates and lost control. However, by miracle I landed on the note. The lower half of my leg however, landed else-where to the rest of my limb. Kind of bent to the side, with a lump where the joint was, I knew I was screwed. I screamed a little, but my main blow was the 13 year old girl who skated up to me claiming it was her £5, and that I had to give it back. With a fully functioning leg, I probably would have kicked the hoe, at this point, but I had a pretty big boo-boo which was my main priority. She knew I was injured as well but did she give a shit ? Did she fuck. If there is any child that has been brought up badly its one that asks someone who is clearly visibly injured and distressed for money, even if it may have been theirs in the first place.
The aftermath was spending 6 hours in A&E and having my knee popped back into place with a pretty bad pain. But at least there I got a drink, for free.
TL;DR: Dislocates leg in order to get money for a drink only to have said money removed by 13 year old girl.
whatisayberight: For free huh? I've dislocated my shoulder 8 times now and that water usually costs about $1,500. Multiply that by 1.7 for British currency. However I've no idea how the healthcare system works there.
FaceMeetsBullet: How the fuck do you dislocate your shoulder 8 times? Just cut your arm off and save you the trouble, damn.
whatisayberight: Sometimes I think the same thing. Torn labrum and rotator cuff. Surgery soon. Turning over in my sleep did it once believe it or not. But I'd rather have two arms than one.
thorium007: I'm kind of in the same boat. I can't totally dislocate it, but I can pull it most of the way out of socket. Mrs Thor turns quite the shade of green when I do it.
whatisayberight: And who is Mrs. Thor? Please say your last name is Thor...
thorium007: Close enough, it is a strong Nordic name.
| 7 | 5.571429 | |
1408750839 | 1408783777 | t3_2ebo31 | t5_2to41 | 2 | KittenReddit: TIFU by being a PS4 fan.
So, I was playing an unnamed online game on my computer, and suddenly the topic turned to the next gen consoles. Soon, eveyone was talking about their game graphics on their Xbox one. Then, my stupid brain told me to say something about the PS4. So, I said "THE XBOX ONE IS FUCKING STUPID! THE PS4 IS THE FUCKING BEST!!!"
*Everyone leaves the game*
tl;dr: Offendened the Xbox fans, became a loner.
edgebigfan: Don't feel bad. Those 10 year old eggsbox fan boys are ridiculous. I have nothing against Xbox but its community makes me sick. Good to know I actually know some people that are thinking properly when they play online
NotSoAwesomeNation: XBONE sucks, their "good" ideas like DRM killed my XBONER
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408750424 | 1408759628 | t3_2ebngv | t5_2to41 | 32 | notaus: TIFU by loosing my virginity. (NSFW)
This happened almost 20 years ago when I was 16 years old. Being an army brat I've moved a lot around the world and always managed to make friends wherever I was, this is the story of how I lost my virginity and managed to alienate all the teenagers in the village I lived in.
So here I was, new to a little village I just moved to in south western Europe. Things were great and I had made a few friends and I was invited to a party over at my neighbors house since his parents were out of town.
It so happened that I had gotten a hold of a bottle of some bolts blue and some beer, I felt like a king and heard the local mattress was coming, so I set mind on loosing my virginity that night.
Well, as things goes, she showed up and I was manning up to get at this hamplanet of a mattress, I start chugging that bolts bottle like a baws to man up to approach her. Things goes as they must for this hero of ours, we hook up and start making out and try to find a sly plan to get into one of the rooms since the guy that lives there had locked all the rooms.
We take a walk outside and she fakes a fall and says she needs to lay down, and of course like the hero white knight our host was he unlocked his sleeping room and let us in, she started bitching and crying and told everybody except for me to leave the room. As everybody left my first thought was "Game on!" and we turned off the light started undressing, I wasted no time and dove in trying to give her an attempt at foreplay.
Well, things went as they must, it was a short and poor attempt at foreplay because I was more ready to get my pogostick in the soft sweet cave of pleasure. I gently start to penetrate her while I feel some short stinging pain, my drunken virgin self draws this down to inexperience and the thought that "oh well, I think I've heard it might hurt a little the first time.." So I finally penetrate her and we start going at it like a pair of mad baboons during mating season while I charmingly now and then took a swig from my bottle of liqueur.
After a while of going at it in various positions I ask for a BJ, roll over on my back and she starts giving me head, now by this time I was so plastered I've lost the sensation of feeling and I'm a bit fuzzy on the details until the people from the party started banging on the door asking if everything was okay, we quickly starts throwing on our clothes, open the door and let people in and the first thing that came from the sister of the chick I had been banging was "Oh my god [chicks name] you're full of blood!" I'm gathering my thoughts and feel a slight burning sensation in my pants, on my way there one of her friends starts accusing me of beating her up due to all the blood, I get to the bathroom and open up my pants and quickly start to clean off my penis because there blood everywhere. Still not realizing what has happened, I start to blame it all on the chick and thought she was on her period. Well, barely escaping a beating I of course get kicked out of the party, I go home, go to bed and throw my boxers under the bed.
Next morning I go to pee, and it still burns and I start looking at my penis and suddenly realize what happened last night. I tore my frenulum and shit was still bleeding, I never dared talking about it to any one, so I never got it fixed so to this day, more than a decade later, I still have no frenulum, which is probably for the best case any way. But I managed to alienate all the teens in the village I lived in, did not dare to talk to any of them for the next few years before other than the odd nod to the neighbors while I hurried off to school or coming back from school in the evening.
**TLDR:** Got balls drunk being new to a little village, lost my virginity with the alleged community cumdumpster and tore my frenulum, never to speak with any of the other teens in that village again.
[deleted]: >cumdumpster
Thank you for that OP.
ShachonianX: Somebody put cumdumpster on Urban Dictionary ASAP.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1408740048 | 1408784149 | t3_2eb6sh | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching the IT Crowd
Put on your [slightly bigger glasses] (http://www.quickmeme.com/img/a4/a4d9503f724273f1a6f38842424f60c62d876073b9361523b77e4d58d5c96dc8.jpg). Two weeks ago I opened a new bank account and needed to remember my account number. Naturally, I set it to [the tune of the British Emergency Services phone number] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab8GtuPdrUQ).
Last week I went to the bank to deposit checks and it worked perfectly. Unfortunately, it worked a little too well. On my way out, I kept singing it 2 or 3 times before I realized what I was doing. I'm not a particularly quiet singer. I had passed a couple of people but I didn't think too much of it.
Well yesterday my identity was stolen.
**tl;dr:** I paid the price for singing such a catchy string of numbers.
OliStabilize: Moss?... Is that you?
EyeDot: Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
Gaughanzola: What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?
[deleted]: Fing about Arsenal is, they always try an' walk it in.
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1408748836 | 1408825561 | t3_2ebl3t | t5_2to41 | 15 | Frozenfire42: TIFU by listening to Nickelback
It was on the radio. I thought the song would get better as it progressed. It didn't.
wherestheblacksmith8: I've seen them live four times....
stabinthedark_: ...why?
wherestheblacksmith8: Yes, *sigh*, on purpose, and because I happen to really love their music and have for about ten years now. They were my first favorite band.
stabinthedark_: Well I trust you know the general opinion of Nickleback. Hat's off to you for knowing what you like and giving no fucks.
wherestheblacksmith8: Haha thank you. They're not my favorite anymore but I still listen to them from time to time
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1408752663 | 1408841124 | t3_2ebqn9 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Stupidass666: TIFU by getting a black eye.
TIFU - well, 2 days ago, but the effects are only apparent today.
I had finished washing a pile of dishes and was futilely attempting to remove my rubber gloves. I have this weird anxiety issue with rubber gloves, and when I have trouble getting them off, I can start having a panic attack. Crazy, right?
Anyway, tugging ensues, and I'm getting nowhere. I start getting anxious, and give one last pull. Hard.
Finally! The glove is off! But at the same time, I managed to basically punch myself in the face. It surprised me more than it hurt, and I just laughed it off, happy that nobody had witnessed my fuck-uppery.
Until this morning. My husband looks at me and days, "Farrrk, look at your eye!" I look in the mirror. I have a shiner. Great. Looks like I'll be wearing make up this weekend.
Apologies for formatting; I'm using my phone and it doesn't like paragraphs.
Kermit64: Your husband is probably thinking: "oh dam people are going to think i'm hitting her". = /
Stupidass666: That's why I've made sure everyone knows I did it to myself!
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408753238 | 1408764724 | t3_2ebrf7 | t5_2to41 | 34 | lilpoopsalot: TIFU by not wiping front to back...
This happened a few years ago when I was still in college. I had a gyno appointment scheduled pretty early in the morning. I slept at my BF's apartment the night before, and i needed to poop that morning while i was getting ready. In my sleepy stupor i forget the golden "wipe front to back rule" and somehow managed to smear poop all over my vagina... I thought I folded the toilet paper over and was wiping twice with the same paper because I care about the environment and all, but apparently it didn't go as planned. I didn't have time to take a shower so tried to use handsoap and toilet paper to clean it... then i woke my BF up to smell it and make sure it wasn't blatantly obvious what had happened. I was pretty much mortified and was sure she could smell something throughout the whole appointment... yeah...
its_not_funny: So... you normally wipe back to front, unless you have a gyno appointment?
Doesn't having shit in your vagina bother you any other time?
hurtsdonut_: I'd assume with that wiping style that there are lots of gyno visits.
Homard80: UTI
hurtsdonut_: Universal Technical Institute?
Seriously though what kind of name is that for a school?
"Where'd you go?" "Me? UTI" "no I asked where you went not what you had"
Homard80: Brown.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1408754891 | 1408755475 | t3_2ebtp2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU when my foreskin got torn apart.
So, it was a really good night. Music on, it was a starry sky and me and my ex was both in the mood for some good sex. BUT. I was too hasty. With no foreplay and horny as a goat, I thrusted my womb broom in her without a second thought of if she was wet. Needless to say, she was dry. She didn't get hurt (luckily) but I, fucked up. My foreskin tore and now has a scar. Sometimes when I urinate, the beam gets all spread out. I mostly sit down when I pee now. So yeah, every time I pee, I get to think about when my ex's vagina ripped my dear penis's foreskin apart.
Inb4 "Why wasn't she wet? Do you suck in bed? LOL. LOSER".
Nah bro, I'm a god in bed. I even endured the pain and got us both to finish. Oh and yes, there was blood.
daddydeaner: Two things immediately come to mind.
[This movie](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780622/) and [STDs](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2e74t5/whats_the_worst_thing_to_treat_like_pokemon_as_in/)
Unthz: Haha yeah, teeth.. God..
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408747232 | 1408782541 | t3_2ebipl | t5_2to41 | 435 | jkRollingDown: TIFU by asking a 7 year old if she was straight
Well, by "Today" I actually mean "Several years ago when I was an immature 12 year old".
So, back when I was 12, my family went camping with a few other families. The other kids on the camping trip were mostly guys around my age. However, there was this one family who brought their 7 year old daughter along.
While all of the parents were outside setting up the campfire and food, all of the kids were hanging out inside my cool tent trailer, including the 7 year old girl. Being the asshole preteens we were, the other guys and I did this thing where we would make the little girl answer yes/no questions about things she wouldn't understand so that we could laugh at her. We would ask her things from "Are you a homo sapien?" all the way to extreme stuff like "Do your parents support fascism?". Basically, depending on whether she said yes or no, we had a 50/50 shot of making her say something we could laugh at her for.
We did this for a short while, and then I had the brilliant idea of asking her this: "Are you a heterosexual?"
The girl was silent for about a second, and then she just suddenly started CRYING. LOUDLY. The other guys and I had no idea what was going on, since none of the previous questions seemed to bother her that much (even if we were laughing at her).
The girl's dad recognized her daughter's crying, and immediately ran into the trailer, asking "What happened!?"
The crying girl points at me, shouting "JKROLLINGDOWN CALLED ME SEXY!". Yep.
All the other guys started laughing their asses off. I almost soiled my pants.
**tl;dr** 7 year old girl didn't understand what "heterosexual" meant, and accused me of sexual harrassment
[deleted]: Well was she?
EDIT: OP please
jkRollingDown: I never tried asking her if she was hetero again. She moved to a different country a few years ago so I guess we'll never know.
Edit: hold on a minute were you asking if she was sexy holy shit man
Bluebe123: Dude, you were the one who called her sexy in the first place. Don't blame him!
ImJustSo: The Original Pervert.
Danilolc: OP now has a new meaning
| 6 | 72.5 | |
1408755864 | 1408792204 | t3_2ebv29 | t5_2to41 | 42 | rosaliezom: TIFU because I spoke without listening.
Here's a quickie for you
At work we have a smoking area that everyone congregates on break time, including the higher-ups. I walked in on a conversation between my immediate supervisor and the operations manager.
I hear OM say, "...and they gave me a week off work for it." to which I butt in and say, "A week off? That's so awesome! What for?" OM says, "For my miscarriage."
Ugh. I apologized and walked away. She didn't seem to be upset but I still cringe thinking about it. :S
plasma1147: ''wellllllllllllllll looks like you'll have plenty of time to make new one'' bdum Tsss (yes that is suppose to be the drum thing)
Hawkeye7696: That's called a rim shot.
Conorcat: In drumming terms, a rimshot is simply hitting the centre of the snare drum and the rim at the same time for a more aggressive sound. Never quite understood why the "comedy fill" became known as that.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1408749925 | 1408805406 | t3_2ebmro | t5_2to41 | 2,582 | glithert: TIFU by getting a glass of water with no water in it
I just went to the kitchen, got a glass, put ice in the glass, went back to my room, sat down, tried to take a drink, got very confused, and then realized that I never actually got any water.
Then, after I had gone back and gotten the water, I tripped and spilled it all over the floor.
Lt_Salt: Are you feeling ok, OP? That sounds pretty upsetting. We're here if you need to talk. They tell us not to cry over spilled milk, but no one prepares you for a spilled glass of water. Hang in there.
SirPremierViceroy: I remember the first time I spilled a glass of water. I never fully recovered...
SquishMitt3n: PTSSD
(Post traumatic spill stress disorder, for those that think I can't get acronyms right)
Old_Monkey: Post Traumatic Spilt Soda Disorder? We're talking about water here. Get your liquids straight man.
roboticon: Post-Traumatic-Spill Stress Disorder
SquishMitt3n: This guy gets it.
_thisguygetsit_: You rang?
| 8 | 322.75 | |
1408755796 | 1408828564 | t3_2ebuyn | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying my luck being a mysterious admirer to woo a guy
So this guy at work, he basically played a part in hiring me. So beautiful i could die looking at that face, the biggest blue eyes you'd ever see, as deep as an ocean. Lips so perfect you wonder if he was blessed enough beauty to beautify 10 people but God somehow decided to rest and bless him all of that at once. So sweet if only a personality could kill. Maybe he's my prince charming and he just needs to know. I went over to his desk pretending like a need a pen cause i'm filling this form and as always i forgot my pen, that was my natural excuse to see this guy and keep the romance booming. But after a while i thought what now? He's clearly not asking me out, heck he doesn't even want to smile (unless i do), so i have to do something. Asking him out was out of question because A) He doesn't give off that kind of vibe, i mean he's so fucking serious and only talks business if he does at all. And he's always busy. B) Even if a guy is super cool i'd have hard time asking him out, since i'm way too shy and awkward. So i came up with a plan, i have to become a secret admirer.
I started researching, what should i do and how do i start, what do i send and what not. I first tried my best to look him up, google was the answer to this question and ... maybe some other sites like peoplefinder and what not. Anyway long story short i sent him flowers on the address i found and it turned out to be NOT his. Too bad because i found his family history and more than what i needed BUT his current address. After lots of thinking i decided to just leave my tokens of love at his desk or the reception desk with his name. And that's what i did, i left candies and chocolates and love letters about 3 times. Lots of effort and time went into coloring love letters with hearts and coming up with gift ideas, oh and did i mention i left an email address on the letters (anonymous of course). I could not wait for his response, i knew he would, who wouldn't? it's like the most romantic thing that could happen to you, it's like a fantasy, a fairytale in real life if we were to happen, we would go out and after like 6 weeks he'd ask me to marry him and i'd say YES I WOULD and then we can live happily ever after and i'd have like 30 kids with him and wish they all look like him. But none of that happened because he didn't reply and i can't write him a 4rth letter because that would be stalking, he's clearly not interested in love. And that he's not my prince.
UPDATE:
I mostly fucked up because now that i've sent him mysterious love tokens he would know it's me if i ask him out, and since he ignored them, it's clearly going to make me feel so embarrased, just the fact that he MIGHT (say there is a camera in his office etc) know it was me wants me to NEVER face him again.
But now i can't stop thinking about him...
lordhades89: Being a super shy, clueless to advances kind of guy myself I say ask him out. Even just to something simple like coffee or a bar. He honestly may not realize you're making advances. Just be forward and honest with him
TWERKninja: i can't do that no more, i only had one chance to either ask him out in person or become a mysterious admirer. I can't do both things, i blew it.
lordhades89: He doesn't have to know that was you. It's at least worth a shot rather than just give up
TWERKninja: i've already resigned and moved 4 hours away.
Malamutewhisperer: And now the inconsistencies start to pop up...
per the story "this guy AT work"...and now you've resigned and moved 4 hours away?
If you're joking...that is pretty funny.
If not...that kind of proves the 'crazy' angle.
In the adult world, it's never just "either/or". You tried something cutesy that didn't work. That doesn't mean being direct is no longer an option...you just don't want it to be your only remaining option.
Being scared of rejection or failure, and avoiding the possibility, is not a good way to mature and help yourself in the future.
TWERKninja: No, I actually did have to move pretty recently. Now I just feel like what's the point I've moved away, but if he says yes, four hours is not that bad at all. I'd be head over heels for him.
Well here's the thing, I tried to approach him, he may or may not know it's me, and either way he didn't reply. Approaching him directly would obviously confirm that it's me and I'd lose whatever little dignity was left. It breaks my heart that he didn't even reply to my letters.
Malamutewhisperer: In this world of catfishing...I'd honestly be reluctant to respond to something like that too.
Don't let this turn into a TIFU in ten years..."TIFU by finding out my crush ten years ago liked me too..." I read them almost daily.
And your name elicits all kinds of funny/sexy/confusing imagery.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1408758218 | 1408760057 | t3_2ebyal | t5_2to41 | 3 | gnats_ass: TIFU by witnessing a crime
I went outside last night about 10pm to have a smoke when I noticed two kids picking up bikes and riding them out of my neighbor's fenced backyard. I knew something was fishy so I went & knocked on my neighbor's door and told him what was going on. So he jumps in his truck and yells for me to get in and we go speeding off down the road to find these kids. He's frantic. Keeps asking questions about every detail. What they looked like, the direction they went, etc. All while doing 50-60 mph in our 25 mph-zone plat. I gripped very tightly onto whatever I could hold and my nerves were raw when we got home. We never found the kids. I probably would've had time to stop them and ask what they were doing, but it caught me so off guard.
JustNilt: I don't see anywhere in there where you fucked up. What would you have done to stop them? Sure, maybe a quick picture would have helped but it was night and did you have a good enough camera? You did the best you could. For all you knew, they were allowed to use them, so you checked with the neighbor.
Your neighbor fucked up by overreacting a bit and probably should have simply called the cops but what can you do?
gnats_ass: I was thinking citizen's arrest. We live in a bad part of town. I knew they weren't borrowing the bikes.
JustNilt: While possibly worthwhile for a major thing, how would you keep two people there while the police arrived? You did the best you could, really. Don't feel bad about it.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1408760594 | 1408787592 | t3_2ec1gf | t5_2to41 | 84 | kamahaoma: TIFU by not taking off the belt
Today is my anniversary with the GF. Last night I was at the beach, and I didn't rinse off or dry properly before changing back into my clothes. When I got home I showered and left my damp shorts in the bathroom with the belt still in them.
Today I went to wash them, and when I picked them up some sand fell out. I carefully carried them outside and started vigorously shaking them up and down like a towel to get all the sand out.
The belt slipped and the metal buckle whipped up around the bottom of the shorts, catching me right in the tip of the penis. I was immediately transported back to last sharp blow my penis received, in middle school, but the belt buckle was a million times worse than the flick of a twelve year old.
When I finished screaming I assessed the situation. Penis appears OK though throbbing and painful to touch. No permanent damage, but probably won't be ready for action for a while, certainly not two hours from now when GF arrives wearing brand new lingerie she bought for the occasion.
tl;dr Whipped myself in the penis and ruined anniversary sex.
beefyxfrog: Just from reading the title I swore this was a story from robin williams.
MarkovManiac: Too soon?
pulsefrequency: Too soon?? He's up there still being a shitter and probably having a laugh, I'm sure they have their hands full
| 4 | 21 | |
1408759591 | 1408832078 | t3_2ec05h | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by using the elevator trick.
Like so many others this TIFU happened before, about a month ago.
I was on vacation in a 16+ story hotel and wanted to use an elevator trick where you push the floor you want and the door close button at the same time and then hold them until the door closes and it brings you straight to your floor. I try it and it doesnt work because I pushed 12 and my brother pushed 14, we stop around floor 5. 2 blond girls walk in and I ask what floor they're going to. They said 14, and without thinking, I say "not anymore!" and do the trick. I thought it would take me to my floor and skip theirs. It didn't. We stop 1 floor furthur up and they just fast walk out of there. After a few hours I realize what I said and tell my bro and we just bust out laughing.
TL;DR try to use the elevator trick but just creep out 2 blonds and they ran out of the elevator on the next floor.
TechnoGarrett: What is this elevator trick? I don't follow you.
noctis89: I've never tried it myself, but Apparently it's an inbuilt feature in most elevators that's meant to be utilised by emergency services to reach a certain floor as quickly as possible. Essentially if you hold the 'door close' button and the floor number you wish to go, it will bypass all other calls for that elevator.
TechnoGarrett: Can confirm now.
Tried it this morning.
Had a friend on floor 4 of 6 spam the button while I did the trick on floor 1. Worked like a charm.
I will now use this
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1408761571 | 1408768394 | t3_2ec2rw | t5_2to41 | 11 | GNasty49: TIFU by electrocuting my lip.
TIFU by being near my computer and talking to my crush. We were talking and I had to play with something like twirl my hair or play with my thumbs.. something of the like. I mindlessly decided to play with my latop charger, just swinging it around and playing with it, while talking to my crush. For some reason, I decided to bring it up to my face and the charger part torched my lip. In front of my crush. I flinched backwards and almost cried out of shock and embarassment. My crush asked me if I was alright and the proceeds to say he had to leave anyway... great.. I now have a burn on my lip, thank goodness its small.
VisualSnow: maybe your crush was just shocked you'd put your charger in your mouth
GNasty49: yea thats true.. can anyone relate to just zoning out like that!!!
MSLB: At school during woodwork I zoned out while cutting wood with a bandsaw
GNasty49: oh gosh.. how did that end?
MSLB: Well my friend kept saying my name and luckily I didn't cut my hand or finger off
GNasty49: how can you zone out while working a saw is my first question....
MSLB: Well I was a stupid 13 year old a at the time and saw a cactus on the wall.
GNasty49: oh also I have fallen into many cacti once... horrible.. maybe it is a sign I need to pay attention more..
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1408767039 | 1408769220 | t3_2ec9yu | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by engaging in a night of shitty whisky, teenage alcohol tolerance and regret.
Beforehand, I apologise for the wall of text.
This didn't happen today, but happened last Thursday. That day, I had received my A level results and successfully got in to the university I had applied for, so it was safe to say I was pretty happy and in the mood for celebrating. For the rest of this story to make sense, you should know that I am a very skinny 18 year old and I don't have a very high alcohol tolerance at all.
So, my friend (who'll be referenced as D from now on) and I decide to go to a celebratory party at my other friend's house. My favourite drink happens to be the same as D's, Southern Comfort and Lemonade (a girly drink, I know). I've drunk this many times before, but not in a high quantity. So for the party, D brings a reasonably large bottle of Southern Comfort.
After the party has started and D and I have had several beers already and we've finished a game of beer pong, we decide to start on the Southern Comfort. However, before we know it we've finished the bottle, mixing it a lot less than we intended to and it doesn't really register with me how much more I've drunk than usual. The party is going very well at this point, and I'm having fun socialising, but from this point on, the rest of the story is told from what I found out after the party.
At around midnight, I rapidly go from being slightly tipsy and poorly attempting to hit on one of my exes to being blackout drunk and pass out on the sofa. Soon after, D goes from standing up talking to people, to passing out on the floor of the dining room and puking everywhere. Literally, he just collapses and pukes. D promptly is dragged onto the other sofa in the living room whilst leaving a trail of vomit along the corridor.
30 minutes later, one of my comparatively sober friends decides to disperse the swarm of people who are drawing a variety of cocks on my face and wake me up to check how I'm doing. Unfortunately, the second I wake up, I projectile vomit onto the carpet a few times before a bucket is fetched for me. At this point, my friends call my parents to come pick me up because I'm a bit of drunken mess. My dad, visibly pissed off, frog marches me out of the house and to the car, whilst I continue to plaster various surfaces with barf. From what I hear, on the carpet, the walls and everything else. Meanwhile, my friends have started making coffee in the bath.
I am swiftly driven home and dumped on the couch with my duvet and a bottle of water. Periodically during the night, my mum and dad come to check on me to make sure I haven't succumbed to my own stupidity.
At 6 in the morning, I wake up, feeling slightly better, but absolutely coated in puke. Somehow it's on my back, in my hair and on my underwear and all over the sofa and my duvet. My parents had to lock the cat in another part of the house to prevent him getting covered in it. This is when my dad wakes up and recounts the happenings of the night before, before he goes to work. I take a shower and then go pass out in my bed.
Later on in the day I get in contact with everyone who looked after me during the party and the host to profusely apologise making the evening much grosser than a celebratory party should be. Fortunately they were very ok with it and understood how terrible about it.
My parents overall are generally fine about it, but I haven't been able to look at an alcoholic drink without feeling rather queasy and it's a night I'm not willing to repeat for a while. So in the end, it could have been worse but still, 4/10, would not do again.
If anyone is interested, I can add what happened to D as well, but this TIFU has gotten long enough.
TL;DR: I drank way more whisky than I should have and puked on anything, everything and everyone.
Edit: I also forgot to mention that only D and I were that drunk, at most everyone else was mildly tipsy.
jammy_p: high school kid drinks whiskey. pukes. parents pick him up from party. sleeps on couch.
...i can't believe i just read all that text! haha OP, remember this post, and once you're at uni for a few years, reread the story you just wrote above. then you'll see.
Evilledz: I know its rather tame, but bearing in mind, we all live in a rather sheltered small town so this doesn't happen very often!
jammy_p: haha i wasn't trying to be mean! its just funny how things change once you get older and you look back on all of the things you did in HS that seemed like a big deal at the time, or the parties that you went to that you thought were cool... trust me, read this again after a few years of college and see the difference
Evilledz: That's alright, didn't think you were trying to be mean! I'm pretty sure that's why my parents were easy on me as I know they've done stupid stuff, that doesn't seem so big now!
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1408765692 | 1408822555 | t3_2ec895 | t5_2to41 | 545 | sodathrowaway1: TIFU by ignoring gas and solubility laws in the name of a soda
Throwaway because a friend saw this happen, and she reads this sub.
This particular grievous error began yesterday when I went with a friend to go watch a movie we'd been hyping for several weeks. We brought four sodas with us (I don't often drink soda), and by the time we got to the theater one of my two cans was still left over. Being the good person I am, I decided to not smuggle the can into the theater. Instead, I decided to save it for lunch today.
Today, like any normal summer day in Georgia, the temperature mercilessly rose to 90 degrees. I, an absolute fool, left the can of soda in the cup holder in my car. In the sun. I didn't even drink it for lunch. I just drank water instead like the idiot I am.
So after nine hours in the sun, the soda was ready for havoc, and I got into my car. When the soda can first caught my eye, I was hesitant at first to open it. Logically, I knew that the high temperature would cause the gas to become less soluble and make it expand, meaning soda would probably fizz up a lot if I opened it. Logically, I knew that if I waited another ten minutes, I could pop that soda in the refrigerator at home and cool it down to an enjoyable temperature. But logic couldn't take one thing into account.
**I really fucking wanted that soda all of a sudden, and I wanted it right then.**
I opened that soda, recklessly underestimating the power of pissed off CO2, and with a tremendous bang all the compressed gas escaped at once. It was forty times more powerful of a pop that I anticipated. Soda flew everywhere. The little flap in the soda can that usually opens inwards instead blew outwards and flew off the can, cutting my hand. Were it not for my hand, the piece of metal would have hit my face.
So, in the shock that I almost had a serious injury, I downed that entire can in one glorious swig to assert my dominance.
In the end I got a badass cut on my hand and a soda. But my car is covered in soda, so I probably have ants.
**tl;dr I didn't ice my soda, so it tried to ice me.**
*Edit: Sorry to disappoint, but the throwaway is because I'm planning a surprise for another friend and I've been posting about it on my main account. The girl who witnessed this isn't exactly good at secrets (but she's still awesome and stuff).*
TorsionFree: [April Foo---](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/999442/april-fools-o.gif)
SignorSarcasm: When my brother and I watched this episode for the first time, at this part, we could not stop laughing. We were unable to breathe because of how absolutely hilarious it was. Man, thanks for the good memory.
TorsionFree: This episode was just on FXX's Simpsons marathon last night too. I think you and I must have been at exactly the right age to find this hilarious when it first aired.
SignorSarcasm: Doubtful, I saw it on DVD about 6-7 years ago, when we had bought a bunch of Simpsons seasons. It's probably among my favorite episodes anyhow. I wish I had cable to be able to watch the marathon :(
TorsionFree: Aw, now I feel old. Upvote! :)
SignorSarcasm: and back to you!
| 7 | 77.857143 | |
1408769138 | 1408876041 | t3_2eccka | t5_2to41 | 3 | Dr_Mysterious: TIFU by yelling at a car.
6th grade the Middle school (where I live it's 1-4th grade Elementary, 5-6 Middle School, 7-8 Junior High School, 9-12 High school,) is just a 5 minute walk from my house which is about every school up to 8th grade. I walked with about 3 other people and we all go down my street because they have to go to the elementary school because their mom works there.
There's a big road that goes east from the school and my house is over there and it's straight then turn a street. The road is always busy after school. On our way home we're about to turn and this car comes speeding down and I yell ,I usually dance at cars but I decided to yell at this one, "WHAT ARE YA DRUNK?" We laugh and then *SCREEEEECH* Holy crap this car goes into reverse and,I'm not kidding, backs up super fast even when there's a car coming. Well me and my friend run super fast while his brother walks slowly with his head down. My and the other brother run behind some bushes on my street and he's freaking out but all I can do is laugh it off.
Here's the funny thing, they asked if anything was wrong making our panic not necessary. I never yelled at cars again.
TL;DR Car comes down road super fast I yell at it, it comes back and makes us panic.
rexxination: wut
Dr_Mysterious: Better Shorter version:
I yelled at a car and the went reverse pretty fast and my and my friend ran and they asked if there was a problem to the other friend.
rexxination: right on
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1408767912 | 1408865632 | t3_2ecb1m | t5_2to41 | 1,940 | bernadactyl: TIFU by believing an april fool's joke for nearly five months.
Back at the end of March I spied [this post by my absolute favorite author.](http://www.jim-butcher.com/posts/2014/dresden-files-coming-to-broadway) As person whose favorite book series is that, and whose favorite actor is Hugh Jackman, I just about crapped my pants reading it. I immediately dove into research mode and found out about the history of the theatre, when tickets were likely to go on sale, and the cost of a trip from Kansas to NYC. I booked tickets two hours ago.
When I pointed this out to a friends, she was like "That isn't an april fool's joke?" and I responded "Nope! lol."
I double checked because I wondered why she would be asking that. Then I noticed that after I read it on March 31st the author edited in a big "Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone!" and I never saw it because I saved the post to do research.
I just went five months planning a trip around an April Fool's joke. The plane tickets are purchased. I am galactically stupid. There is an entire trip that's planned aside from that, and I still get to see broadway, but still. :(
Tural-: Pretty sure you have a 24 hour window where you can cancel your tickets without having to pay a fee.
bernadactyl: There's still an entire trip that's planned, so I don't want to cancel it. This was the impetus for the trip though. :(
tri-it-all: Did you not try to find tickets for the broadway show, or check times at the theatre before you booked flights? I find it odd that you would have booked flights to go and see a play before checking if you were going to be able to get into the play.
rush22: Could be a fake post or even marketing for Dresden Files.
Ecole_Buissonniere: Ah, yes, this is Reddit. Everything ever is either made up or advertisement, of course.
Folley: Or a made up advertisement..
Dlgredael: Buy Essence of Zwalikor today! Purchase soon and get a free slanger of Marblethups!
3pick3raser: <--------------------**GET FIVE (5) MONTHS FREE GOLD BY UPVOTING THIS POST!!!**
*Hurry while supplies last!*
/s
voarix: Your arrow points to the downvote button, i feel compelled to pressing that. Should i?
BigfootTouchedMe: Not if you want free gold.
| 11 | 176.363636 | |
1408769554 | 1408813547 | t3_2ecd2i | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to see Guardians of the Galaxy.
A few weeks ago, I saw Guardians of the Galaxy with a friend on opening weekend (yes, this is one of those late TIFUs), and it started off as one of the greatest theater experiences of my life. I met a friend of mine in the lobby before the show, he gushed about how amazing the film was and assured me that I was going to love it. I met another school friend of mine working the concessions and said hi to him as well. How was the movie itself? Hands down, one of the best goddamn movies I have ever had the pleasure of viewing, just sublime. I don't think I've seen such an exuberant, joyfully goofy sci-fi romp since Invader Zim. After the movie had finished, I noticed I had loads of notifications on my phone, my buddy bought me a nice juicy burger on my way home 'cause I skipped dinner, and came home feeling so high on life.
Then I check my pockets, and realize I left my wallet at the theater. The next day I went to the theater's lost and found, no dice. there was about 40 bucks in it, and a couple gift cards, but no ID. I guess I should be thankful for not losing any personal info, but that probably also meant whoever found it figured the owner wouldn't miss it. Enjoy the $25 Starbucks credit, asswipe.
TL,DR: Had barrels of fun at the movies, dropped my wallet at the theater, gone to this day.
[deleted]: Ok. Sounds like you are about 12-15 years old. Boy, you didn't lose anything.
VicinityGhost: 12 year old with a friend working at concessions?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408769694 | 1408804591 | t3_2ecd80 | t5_2to41 | 87 | GoingOutInTheTrash: TIFU by glancing at my dad's computer to check the time at Starbucks (advice would be nice)
OK what you need to know first: I'm 13, he always locked his computer whenever anyone glances at it but this time he didn't. Both my parents are conservative Christians.
We're sitting at a Starbucks in Florida and I go over to him to ask him about what we are going to go next. I look at his computer to check the time and I'm instantly blasted in the face with pictures of girls wearing lingerie and nothing at all, pages and pages of pictures, instantly, he hides the window and tells me to sit down.
It was a split second but I'm positive of what I saw.
Now here's where I need advice, it's been about an hour and it's been awkward ever since, I'm not sure if I should say anything or not.
I'm not sure if I should tell my mom or not.
Reddit, what should I do?
BetterWhenImDrunk: It's porn everyone who's sane looks at it from time to time. And I'm not gonna lie at 13 Reddit is a little too big for your brain right now.
EDIT: just kinda realized that I repeatedly respond to 13/14 year olds slightly trying to argue with/educate them in this thread. And I'm a 30 year old man, I would not like to take a seat anywhere Mr. Hansen.
GoingOutInTheTrash: > too big for your brain right now.
You can't tell me what to do!
BetterWhenImDrunk: Not telling you anything, just stating fact. No ice cream for you Billy!
iancarroll: I'm fourteen and I have no problem understanding this site. Not all kids are immature brats. :)
edit: not trying to boast or anything, it was an honest statement.
BetterWhenImDrunk: It's cool I'm not saying you're not allowed here. But yeah when you're 18 you will laugh at how dumb you are in general right now, then again at 21, then at 25 then again around 30. After that you should have the tools to get the gist of how things work, but that's no guarantee either.
iancarroll: Yeah, I know I do stupid things (quite a lot at some times.) The derogatory comments you made (how I interpreted "No ice cream for you Billy!" and "little too big for your brain right now" ) aren't usually true here though. Reddit isn't that hard to wrap your head around IMO, and the immature kids tend to be more social and don't browse sites like this.
BetterWhenImDrunk: It doesn't matter how mature you are, or smart for that matter. The 16 year old with an Einstein level IQ will still get destroyed going head to head with someone in their 20's. It is 100% an age thing you will understand in maybe a few years. Your brain literally is not old enough yet to get it.
iancarroll: I'm not and haven't been disputing that, but I'm wondering why you think reddit is overly complex?
BetterWhenImDrunk: Oh, well probably because you can't contribute to 90% + of the threads on Reddit because you have very little info on life yet. Like I said you're totally allowed to be here and might learn some great things, but you know jack shit about shit yet. You are ill equipped to understand most of the things (cat pictures aside) on Reddit.
iancarroll: Ok, I gotcha. I just thought the statements were a bit rude. No harm though :)
Zombater: They're typical of their age just as you are of yours.
| 12 | 7.25 | |
1408749779 | 1408774081 | t3_2ebmju | t5_2to41 | 4 | LAURABUSHKILLEDAMAN: TIFU by saying "niggy" near a black man in a Wendy's
Out of context, that sounds horrible-which is exactly why IFU, because I said it out of context!
Anyways, I have three little brothers, one of which is named Nicholas aka Nick aka Nicky (when he was much younger). Nick went by Nicky until he was probably 12 or 13 years old, and that's still what the majority of my family calls him because that's what they've been calling him his whole life. My other little brothers and I used to talk in this baby-type voice when we were younger all the time, which really annoyed everybody except us. In this dialect, Nicky's name was pronounced "Niggy" (being young we had no idea what that resembled and I doubt my parents wanted to explain that to us at that age, figuring we'd drop it eventually). Anyways, this afternoon me and Nick drove to Wendy's and when we got out of the car I started giving him a hard time and talking in that forgotten baby voice. As we walked into Wendy's I started saying his name over and over..."niggy niggy niggy (...)". I looked up and saw that the man at the cash register ready to take my order was African American and did not look at all pleased with what I was saying. It was at that instant that I finally realized I was a childhood racist.
TL;DR: Pronounced my brother Nicky's name "Niggy" and the African American cashier at Wendy's probably took a shit in my cup of chili.
TheRealChocolateFrog: You should have explained that it's your brothers nickname, then scolded him for automatically jumping to the conclusion that everyone is racist.
A Word only has meaning when you apply one to it.
BrilliantTrash: Scold him for what? He, at best, gave her a dirty look which may or may not have had anything to do with her or an ill-conceived nickname.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408770334 | 1408793970 | t3_2ece0c | t5_2to41 | 21 | antony1197: TIFU by putting my dad in a chokehold...
My dad and I never really got along, he inst abusive (normally) he's just a dick for the most part (wont go into that). Well tonight my little brother was upset at him over something stupid and I was standing nearby listening to the argument. Well then I see my dad move towards my brother with his hand raised and he's about to flip him over when I grab him and start choking him out. My brother crying was the only thing that stopped me from knocking him out.
My dad didn't actually do anything back after I let him go, his face was shocked but not from what I did. It was shock that I was stronger than him, you see my whole life I've been out of shape up until the past few years where I got pretty ripped. He just backed away in shock that his "rule" could be challenged. Anyway age wise im 21 (ik what your thinking move out get a job you lazy ass freeloader!) see thing is, I have one, pays pretty well too, problem is that would mean leaving dear old mom and my 14 year old brother with this fucker and honestly im not sure she has the guts to stand up to him if he were to become physical with her.
Honestly I think i fucked things so far this time, only once in my life other than now did I try to fight him (aside from playfighting) I was 7.... you can imagine how that one went... starting to think I should get a second job, and get a 3 bedroom to ditch this bad habit....
antony1197: Guys seriously, what you said made my hands stop shaking, and really that means alot so thank you. As for getting them out that's what I've resolved myself to doing, my mom offered to let me stay somewhere else, and fuck that, I'm not leaving them alone, that would make me as bad as him.
Malamutewhisperer: Wow. Good for you. Seriously. To be able to react in a situation like that as you did, but still be aware of your surroundings and your brother...awesome job man.
It seems you have made the only decision you can. I would like to think that your mother, removed from that toxic situation, would find herself in a position to help sometime in the future.
At any rate, you will feel like a weight has been lifted from you if/when you can take your mother and brother out of there. The extra work will obviously be hard, but the mental relief will outweigh that 100fold.
Again, big time gigantic KUDOS on how you handled it.
When your brother and mother AREN'T around...don't feel bad to pummel the guy. Sounds like he's far overdue. Picking on kids and women...he may be a male, but he's certainly no Man.
| 3 | 7 | |
1408772333 | 1408866963 | t3_2ecgb6 | t5_2to41 | 15 | isntthisacoolname: TIFU by asking my GF to calm down
Its about that time of the month again and I was talking to my gf/exgf (idontevenknow) and we got into a fight about how she is annoyed with being at her sisters in laws (complicated).
She started cursing and yelling at me over the phone, I proceeded to tell her to calm down.
Yep. Phone number/whatsapp/any communcation - blocked.
Lets see how long this lasts...
itsrionnn: Hope things go back to normal
skylawl: It's not normal to not know where you stand with your SO or ex.
Phil_Awful: I'd say women doing this type of shit is pretty fucking normal, brah. What planet you live on?
rawrr483: I would never treat my boyfriend like that. Period or no period.
Phil_Awful: I, in my ~30 years of experience, based on a rather large test group, have determined that women can exhibit 2 of 3 traits. Those traits are intelligence, beauty and emotional stability. You simply *cannot* have all 3. If you do, you need to be captured and brought in to the man-lab for further studying and testing because you're probably a unicorn.
isntthisacoolname: To a certain extent you guys are right, she's extremely disrespectful and I don't know how I stand for it at times, love can be a fuzzy thing.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1408771652 | 1408994151 | t3_2ecfjy | t5_2to41 | 50 | jake_rawr_meow: TIFU Letting my girlfriend browse through my phone screenshots
So, this sadly wasn't today, but it was in the summer and I was at the University getting classes fixed out. My girlfriend and I were sitting on a bench by the park and she and I were browsing through some of the gifs and pictures I had saved on my phone. I had saved a few suggestive photos from last nights session and they hadn't appeared for me, so I thought nothing of it. Lo and behold there they were! It went straight from a cat gif to a HD close up of a vagina. Then the next, HD picture of tits. She kept on going, but soon stopped after some BDSM and deleted every single one of them. I was laughing my ass off thinking it was hysterical, but she obviously didn't. I wasn't spoken to for the next two days, still worth it.
EDIT 1: Since you guys are asking for more info, her and I are freshmen in college and have been together since senior year in high school. Her parents are pretty over protective of her and were pretty wary when she started to date me.
Update: Now she's in hardcore porn.
the_winter_storm: If she can't laugh at porn, time to gtfo.
Souce: am woman.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: I see no proof of this.
Kidding girlfrieeeeeeeeeeend!
.
So, about those bsdm pics OP...
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1408774156 | 1408824072 | t3_2ecibi | t5_2to41 | 49 | Saucesnail: TIFU by putting a tampon in my nose
I got a pretty bad bloody nose today and it just wouldn't stop bleeding, so I thought "well, tampons are for bloody holes. My nose is a bloody hole. I'll just put a tampon in my nose." I stuck it up there and it worked pretty well up until I could see the blood seeping down it. At that point my nose started to feel a little tingly so I decided to take the tampon out. It would come out. The fucking tip of the thing expanded in my nose AND WAS FUCKING STUCK. I tried pulling harder, but it wouldn't even budge. Twisting? Nope. It was fucking solid. Then I thought that I could put some water on the part just outside me nose and it would soften up. Nooooope. That just made it harder and bigger. After that I knew I would either have to rip it out or take the walk of shame to my mother and possibly a doctor. I ended up growing a pair and pulling on the piece of shit as hard as I could without thinking I would rip my nose. It came out dick shaped.
TL;DR: don't put tampons up your nose.
[deleted]: Did you use one of the panning ones with the plastic shells?
Saucesnail: Yup
[deleted]: Heads up, don't use those; any other tampon would've been fine.
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1408775644 | 1408812367 | t3_2ecjso | t5_2to41 | 118 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU my moaning too loudly
As said in the title this is NSFW for obvious reasons.
Today I was off work and decided to have some fun with myself.
Normally I pleasure myself the exact same way. A bit of lubricant, same motion.. Etc.
Well today I tried something different and that was the mistake. I *never* moan.. Never. Today I did, and lo and behold it was my downfall.
Normally I do NOT play with the head. Well today I did and apparently it's my sweet spot. So I'm sitting there, and after accidentally stroking the head once I decide to go full on that spot. I grip myself, place my palm flat on the head, and start to rotate my palm over it as fast as possible.
The result was insane.. I lost control of my body, I started moaning like a crazy animal, bucking my hips and everything. After I was finished (it was straight 4 minutes of this crazyness) I cleaned up.
Right after I get done with this, the next thing I know I get a knock on the door. Someone called the cops (probably the person below me) because it sounded like I was in extreme pain.. I had to explain to the cops it was not pain, but the opposite. They understood and told me to keep it quiet.
I encountered my neighbor as they gave me the most awkward stare ever.
I kind of just pretended I did not explain to cops that I moaned today.
PS. Don't try this at home. It's insane.
Edit: Will not be able to answer any questions until tomorrow. 2 am here and I'm sleeping
PicadaSalvation: No such thing as moaning too loudly ;)
SluttyPhilosopher: dude, it's a dude.
usernametook: Even better
biggest_guru_in_town: roflmfao
| 5 | 23.6 | |
1408777460 | 1408787383 | t3_2eclhq | t5_2to41 | 6 | c14soccerking: TIFU by not paying a traffic ticket
I didn't actually fuck up today, though I'm paying for it today. Last fall I got a traffic ticket for running a stop sign on campus (University of Arizona). I was pulled over by a campus cop who was also on a bike. I never took care of the ticket....
Fast forward to tonight, about two hours ago. I was driving back home from Phoenix through Scottsdale and a cop randomly decided to check my plates. Not that I was doing anything illegal in my driving, because I asked. So now I have a criminal ticket for driving on a suspended license and my truck got towed.
I can't get my truck for 30 days unless I can petition for its release upon necessity for school transportation. I doubt that argument will fly given the reason for it being suspended in the first place. Yay for getting to pay daily impounding fees, city towing fees, and criminal tickets. FML :'(
Teshinator: I bet that it's *driving* you crazy
Edit: Grammar
whysoseriousgtr: Thank you for that comment!
| 3 | 2 | |
1408749995 | 1408878359 | t3_2ebmur | t5_2to41 | 9 | t3cm3n: TIFU by not reacting when a friend of mine suddenly blacked out
Today me and two friends of mine (lets call them T and R) went camping in a plot of land owned by T's parents next to a forrest.
By the time we arrived there everything was fine and we had great fun assembling the tents and preparing the fire pit.
We started a fire and talked for a while. Fast forward two hours, we ran low on wood for the fire which we definatly needed for the later barbecue. So we went into the forrest at the end of the property (still inside the property so we did not steal public wood) to collect some wood and cut it into the right length. It was pretty hard work but we wanted to finish it complete so we wouldn't have to do it again in the middle of the night because we ran low on wood again.
When cutting the last pice of wood, T injured himself slightly (not with the saw, just with the wood). Not a big deal just a few drips of blood.
Right after that T said ne needed to take a break, although despit carrying the wood to the fire pit we were done. So T went so the fire and sat on a bench while R and I carried the wood. When we arrived at the fire, T sat on the bench with his head in the neck like he was sunbathing, but when we came closer we noticed he slightly shook his head every few seconds. R and I even made a joke about him looking stupid with his little head sheaking. T didn't react.
Then we asked T a question but he still didn't react. Suddenly T's head fell to the side pulling his upper body down untill his head touched the bench while he was still sitting on the bench.
At first both R and I thought he was just pretending to be asleep or for whatever reason fell asleep for real. So we called his name a few times. No response. Then his head and arms started to shake again. I looked pretty scary, especially when he started to make strange noises while his bloodless, white face had scary shaking expressions on it.
R and I just stood there not knowing what to do when R said 'T, now you start freaking me out!' and I just said ' What the f**k?!', we were both scared as shit. We even backed up a little, in my head remembering some scenes from 'The Walking Dead' and it's zombies in which T seemed to transform into.
After aproximatly one and a half minutes that felt like hours, T finally woke up staring at us and asking 'What's the matter?' and we just stared back still unable to talk. Then, after reassuring that he was not like a zombie anymore, R explained him what we saw and he replied 'Didn't I just fall asleep?'.
After a few seconds of silence he announced that he was a bit dizzy and foggy, and we could see the sweat flowing down his face. He was sitting right next to the fire and still he said he was freezing.
Since I was still standing there without moving, I tried to force my brain to contiune working because i still couldn't process what I've just seen. That's why I went to my tent and got a band aid for his small injury on his finger which already stopped bleeding. I gave him the band aid and he dropped it immediatly and it took some time for him to pick it up. Then he sat there doing nothing but staring into the flames. A few minutes later he walked to his tent as if nothing had happened and put on another shirt because he was still cold and sweaty. Than he sat down into the tent and quickly got up again as he started to vomit in the entrance of his tent.
When he had finished, we urged him into calling his parents to pick him up.
A few minutes later his father, who is at work responsible for first aid, arrived and did a few quick tests on him an came to the conclusion he had an hypoglycaemic attac, even though he isn't diabetic.
He gave him plenty to drink and drove off, still thinking about whether or not he should go to the hospital with him.
The two of us left, then decided to stop the camping and go home, leaving our tents in place for another camping next week.
Now it's a few hours later and my realization is: Hadn't T woken up by himself, we probably would still just stare at him in shock, not knowing what to do.
Would this have been a stroke or something similar, he probably would have died because no one of us was able to make a quick decision what to do or how to help...
GyroWizard: how old are you?
t3cm3n: what do you think?
pulsefrequency: It doesn't really matter, there are grown adults who don't know first aid, but it's witnessing shit like this that makes someone want to learn
GyroWizard: but it seems like an adult would at least have the common sense to call the cops for medical assistance
pulsefrequency: Well yea but when shit hits the fan a lot of people freeze up and can't process what's going on. Not everyone has the presence of mind to make decisions because of the sudden rush of adrenaline and anxiety
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1408779565 | 1408781324 | t3_2ecnap | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by flashing one of my neighbors
This did not actually happen today. About 3 years ago actually but I'm beginning to feel the repercussions now.
So 3 years ago im hanging out with my room mate, there was much vodka and herb being passed around and since it was summer and we didn't have A/C I was in my booty shorts topless. What ever were both girls. I am under the influence and give no fucks that she has invited her friends over, I don't know any of them and its way to hot to be dressed. Over the course of the evening we get serious munchies for Chinese food, so we order from a place down the road.
While waiting for food to arrive ive been messing around with a guy faux mask and am now dressed in cotton booty shorts and a guy fox mask. Ive also put my high heels on because we have a stripper pole set up in the living room and we've all been dancing on it and everyone else, guys included, have been wearing my heels and I want a turn damn it.
about 30 minutes later theres a knock on the door. without a second thought I grab the money off the table and open the door to pay for the food...in a guy faux mask, booty shorts, high heels while topless.
the delivery guy kind of just stood there in shock, polite smile frozen on his face, eyes locked on my 36c chest that are very memorable for the simple fact that I have love birds tattooed on them. Still smiling he gives me change after I had told him the rest was his tip and slowly walks away from the door. turning back once, face still frozen in that goofy polite smile.
my only thought? damn I feel bad he left with out a tip.
Flash forward to today. Im living elsewhere a town over and im married and I'm at the mail box of my condo complex when this oddly familiar man walks up to get his mail. my tank top is low cut and my birds are visible. He nods a polite hello like neighbors here are known to do and his eyes stop on my birds. That same goofy polite frozen smile crosses his face and that's when it hits me. He looks familiar because this is the guy who delivered our Chinese food. He gets his mail and we both start walking back to our buildings and when I get in side and turn to shut the door I see him standing on his porch, staring in my direction, smile still plastered there.
TL:DR I flashed the Chinese delivery guy three years ago and now he lives across from me.
SteveJayfb: what do the love birds look like?
And, I don't think this is a FU... so what if he saw your chest 3 yrs ago? It's not like he purposely moved across from you, is it?
WaleSoleye: hmm. i liked it
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408780937 | 1408829820 | t3_2ecoeo | t5_2to41 | 21 | 350ZisBae: TIFU by not picking up what the lady at Whataburger was putting down
So I usually get water every time I eat out because it's almost always free. I always ask for a large ice water and they rarely give it to me, probably assuming that I will get a soda or something like that.
So I order my burger and ask for a large cup for ice water.
It's 2:30AM and they're cleaning up and she says with the most obvious wink possible "cups for ice water should only be used for ice water"
I fill my drink with water and she goes "oh didn't think you were actually going to get water."
As I was walking to my seat I finally picked up what she put down.
TL;DR Didn't pick up on the hint, so I didn't get a free soft drink.
AvsFan23: I work in the fast food industry. When people ask for cups for water I just assume they will get a soft drink. As a minimum wage worker, I don't care if people do this because the 2 cents the drink actually costs isn't coming out of my pocket and there is no way to prove it happened unless the manager sees it. It's not worth the trouble watching them and our prices are already bloated to add more cushion to the owner's wallets.I don't care what customers do/take(as long as it doesn't affect me) because my managers are selfish.
350ZisBae: I have never once put soda in a cup for water.
Essentially, it's stealing.
I understand where you're coming from about they usually get soda, but really, who the fuck is going to put soda in a McFlurry cup?
My McDonald's gives that 99% of the time.
AvsFan23: Broke teenagers
Metemptosis: Not paying a fucking dollar for a soda when a fucking burger itself is a dollar
AvsFan23: maybe they only have one dollar, and like I mentioned before, are food isn't necessarily cheap, so there's that
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1408780987 | 1408819209 | t3_2ecofp | t5_2to41 | 29 | reytr0: TIFU By playing with a giant jellyfish
So right now I'm on vacation in a summer house at Marmara Sea in Turkey, and I go snorkeling every day. This was yesterday.
I find cool shit like seahorses, starfish, big crabs, etc, nothing that extraordinary, and temporarily catch them.
Well yesterday, I came across one of these fuckers: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9e/Rhizostoma_pulmo_0127.JPG , a big motherfucking Barrel Jellyfish, just chillin' in about 8' deep water.
(I apologize, I'd link one of my pictures but they're on my gopro and I'm on my phone in an Internet cafe)
So naturally I start herding it to shallower waters, by pushing it from its head, making sure not to touch the tentacles in the back. I got real close to it for selfies and eventually got other people to take pictures of me with it.
Well, I fucked up. I got too close and the fucker grazed my face. I didn't feel anything at first, so I thought that it didn't do anything. So dumbass me touches it some more and even picks it up.
A few minutes later, I start to feel it. A fucking burning pain on my face, neck, chest and arms, kinda like that salt and ice cube challenge, accompanied by a very visible red rash. I quickly go home to take a shower, but guess what, the water's out. So I had to sit there in horrible pain for hours, until the only thing I could do was go to sleep, which took forever.
I just got up a few hours ago, and the rash is gone, but the areas still feel a bit tingly.
Yeah.
Dicky_Bitch: Did u play with an underwater peanut butter too?
Damascus-: 3rd grade? Is that you?
Dicky_Bitch: So Cal?
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1408783181 | 1408876550 | t3_2ecq3r | t5_2to41 | 760 | altNull: TIFU by hugging my friend [NSFW]
Just found this sub, and I had to post this. It happened a month ago.
I have a long distance relationship. The distance is incredibly hard, especially after meeting her and spending some quality time together. Well she had just left to for the first time, and we were talking over the phone again. We had some sexy times while she was here and we were reflecting on some of the best of these times. I couldn't help but touch myself as we talk.
Well we finish talking and I didn't finish touching myself. Instead I just put on some running shorts and do the tuck. Every guy knows the tuck as if we were born knowing it. So I put my cock behind the elastic and pull a shirt over top.
I head out the dinning room to say to some friends. We're all good guy friends, so we do the bro hug. I go up to our friend Zach to give him a hug. Just as I'm about to hug him, I come untuck. Not to show off my ragging boner, I push my ass back and still hug him from the side.
The room goes quiet. I look around and just decide to be honest. "Well my girlfriend just left, and I really really miss her." Everyone laughs and gay jokes fly.
TL;DR - I tried to hug my friend while I had a boner.
solips_sonder: As a guy, what's "the tuck"?
I probably do it, I just can't picture specifically what you're talking about.
Aredreddit: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc7alf27Pm1r9kg1co1_1280.png
NSFW FTW
solips_sonder: ...maybe when my penisphobic roommate leaves the room...
Aredreddit: lol there's no penis present in it
solips_sonder: [oh, really] (http://vgrhq.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/cricletrust.jpg)
Aredreddit: Lmao, I'm so serious though
solips_sonder: [I'd fuck me.] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_DVS_303kQ)
Still don't trust you.
Aredreddit: Oh my God, the link you just posted is so close to what I posted
solips_sonder: My roommate went for a cigarette, gave me a chance to check the picture. :P
Aredreddit: Well that's what a tuck is haha
solips_sonder: I understand this TIFU less now.
Aredreddit: -Homiedude is on his phone with his gf and essentially ends up having phone sex.
-After he gets off the the phone with his gf, Homiedude is still erect
-Homiedude decides to go to the dining area to chat with friends, but because he is still erect, he does the "tuck" to avoid the obvious
-Homiedude goes in to hug his bro and as he does that, his "tuck" fails, revealing how erect he is as he's still erect
-Homiedude done fucked up
solips_sonder: There we go, I get it now.
| 14 | 54.285714 | |
1408786413 | 1408790470 | t3_2ecsh3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by pouring soda too hard
Admittedly this wasn't just today, but 5 seconds ago. I just poured it too quickly and it caused the gin to splash a tiny amount out of the cup.
pulsefrequency: Oh the most heinous of party fouls, the penalty is two shots
[deleted]: I heard Americans are gun obsessed and violent, but that is just cray cray!
pulsefrequency: No as in you drink two shots of straight rum
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1408783875 | 1408806039 | t3_2ecqm6 | t5_2to41 | 118 | [deleted]: TIFU by realizing I am in love.
Today I got drinks with a pair of friends I’ve known since my freshman year of college, but have spent very little time with.
I made plans to get drinks with one of them, our mutual friend tagged along, which was fine.
We got drinks, some appetizers, and then wandered around a bit. We sat down and talked about life, love, relationships, family, careers, all the shit you talk about in those profound moments that you neve expect. I’m not going to pretend like this was in any way a unique experience.
I tried as best as I could to split my attention, I really did, but by the time we sat down I couldn’t unfocus from the one I had initially made plans with.
This was the girl I should have spent my time with, should have put all my effort towards. I should have made a move day one, I should have avoided all of those shitty relationships, all of those stupid, childish, useless experiences and been with her. I should have gotten over myself and my fear of inadequacy or rejection and just tried something with this amazing, brilliant, talented, gorgeous woman sitting in front of me telling me about all the things that went wrong with the last idiot that didn’t deserve her time.
She moves away soon, I don’t have a real chance here.
TIFU four years ago? TIFU by not remaining oblivious.
TIFU by not making a move right now.
End tipsy post, apologies in advanced for spelling errors/loss of logic in the above post.
roguedaemon: I know them feels man, except I ended up trying it at the last minute and got rejection.
That's why now I always try to keep this quote from *Mark* *Twain* in mind:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour."
Resistance to change has caused some of the biggest issues in life, so take risks guys, don't be a dumbass by playing it safe. :)
Somehonk: Rejection is better than regret, so you did the right thing. :D
For me, a similar scenario actually worked out, so it is definitly worth trying :)
| 3 | 39.333333 | |
1408789799 | 1408809493 | t3_2ecuwd | t5_2to41 | 16 | Ohshitohshiii: TIFU by sharing (drugs are bad mmkay)
This is the most terrifying and mind changing fuck up that has happened to me and I never want it to happen again.
I had a synthetic drug that I had smoked a couple of times that created a huge mind fuck.
You can't blink, you then can't breath properly and then your muscles start to relax to the point of you straining to move them.
Now I had smoked this only a couple of times and it's not a bad trip but the first couple of times when you don't expect it just fuck you up.
Now I had just met up with a friend who we will call John, John always told me drugs never affected him. He'd swallow painkillers by the handful and tried a couple of other synthetics I had bought before with no effect.
My last trip with this stuff had me fucked over but when I came back it was a great time. So I was keen to show John, I knew this stuff was intense and I only needed a little so he just had the leftover smoke from my hit, but I wasn't thinking properly and thought her be ok.
6:41 - we just had a smoke and walked out of the house. I walked over and put something in the bin and when I returned John was talking about how everything was 'slow motion'
6:43 - John stopped in the middle of our shitty gravel patio and then, just, fell flat on his face. Only he didn't he fell onto his chin first.
6:45 - Me and my other friend Jane saw what happened and I just froze up, Jane jumped straight into action and tried to help John who wasn't responding to anything we were saying. I flipped him into the recovery position and we just kept trying to get John to respond, but he wouldn't.
6:47 - By some miracle I started to tell John to just blink, his eyes were wide open the whole time and not responding. So I used my fingers and forced him too
6:49 - Jane is just amazing and I am forever in awe of her as well as debt because I put her through the whole ordeal. But she helped me through it, and I picked up John to move his arm around and he snapped out of it, picking himself up.
6:51 - John came to and clarity had come to his mind, his chin is pretty scunned but ok, he had two smashed molars and a headache.
Worst 10 minutes of my fucking life.
I almost killed my friend today.
TL;DR: Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's not lethal.
Malamutewhisperer: Was this some of that K2 type 'incense' synthetic weed?
If it was, stay FAR away from that shit. It WILL permanently fuck up your brain.
-GF worked 15 years in a psych hospital. That shit made people act like they were on pcp/acid, and some never came out of their mental breaks. Truly awful stuff.
StringBeansss: pcp/acid?? lol
completely different drugs with extremely different effects. do not compre the 2 to eachother
Cool_Enough_Username: Well, both drugs are hallucinogens......
dance_safe: No, they're not both hallucinogens. Your ignorance is shining brightly. Please take the time to educate yourself before perpetuating ignorance. PCP is a dissociative and LSD is a Psychedelic Tryptamine. They act and effect completely different receptors and have very different effects. You can not compare the two.
Research chemicals tend to be dangerous due to the lack of a history of human consumption and no studies on said substances. The "regular" psychoactive chemicals have a long history of human consumption therefore the side effects are fairly published. Although, it should be stated much more research should and will be done in the future on said substances. The scheduling of such drugs makes research near impossible to conduct in the US. Synthetic cannabinoids should be avoided at all costs. If you want cannabinoids you should use cannabis or extracts from cannabis. If you want psychedelics you should use one of the handful of novel psychedelics . If you want to be "experimental" you should use one of the more common psychedelics published in Thikal or Phikal. There are a few RC that have a wider history of use in humans, but for the most part these analogues are touching a sensitive topic when it comes to health, both mental and physical. Novel Psychedelics have a better experience and a more knowledge when it comes to health effects. Stay safe all.
Cool_Enough_Username: dissociatives are unique in that they do so in such a way that they produce hallucinogenic effects, which may include sensory deprivation, dissociation, hallucinations, and dream-like states or trances.
I didn't say they were the same, I said both drugs cause you to hallucinate.
Source: have done both drugs.
Edit: your arrogance shines brightly.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1408777311 | 1408832001 | t3_2eclcz | t5_2to41 | 12 | stinnn: TIFU by accidentally confusing my coworker
For work we use a group chat (Group Me) for our main form of communication during the work day.
In the company I work for, getting promoted means moving to a higher volume location. This means more commission. I was recently moved to the highest volume location in my area. Basically, it is like being at the top of the food chain within our district. It's intense as fuck. You either get moved here to be fired/quit because they know you won't last, or you are moved here to see if you can handle it.
Anyway, this chat goes off with notifications constantly starting from 8am and sometimes goes until midnight. Eventually it becomes second nature to use so private chats get created. Well, it's not hard to get confused about which chat you are in and it's a constant anxiety that one day you will post something in the wrong chat. Well, this didn't happen to me. My coworker was the first victim and it was all my fault.
After picking up my phone for the first time in an hour or so I decide to respond to all my chats. After I responded to a one- on-one chat with a coworker, i headed over to the chat where our entire team communicates to each other, and respond to a message that same coworker posted.
You guessed it, she proceeded to tell our entire staff that she was stoned. Immediately I felt my intestines fall out of my ass. I closed the app and managed to send a "dude." text message off to her before having to put my phone upside down on my desk. I couldn't bear to watch what was about to happen. After a few very quick notifications going off, she calls me. She sounded as if she was in complete disbelief about what just happened. There was no way to cover it up as a joke or anything.
She hung up with me to text my boss. Everyone is going to give her so much shit and never stop making fun of her for being so stupid.
I shouldn't have accidentally tricked her into thinking she was responding to only me and not our entire staff. Today I fucked up, but she fucked up worse.
pulsefrequency: Yea I'm gonna need an update on this story, that'd be great
Malamutewhisperer: We're on the same frequency here...
pulsefrequency: Yes I'd say our interests are rather malamutual
| 4 | 3 | |
1408791035 | 1415133407 | t3_2ecvtj | t5_2to41 | 28 | d_bonez: TIFU by getting my pee on my face.
I was about to head to the store to get more beer when I decided I needed to take a quick pee first. My housemate was waiting so I rushed into the bathroom and started my business. In case you haven't thought a lot about male urination habits, guys often shake the pee of their dongs when they finish. Well, due to the time constraint, my performance at this step was perfunctory and only worsened the ill fate awaiting me.
Up until now it had been a relatively routine trip to the John, but as I hastily moved to pull my boxers over my Pedro, **shit went awry.** Rather than pull the elastic band of my undies *over* my schwanz, I forcibly pulled my skippers up right into the base of my leaky hose. This sent my member careening with some serious momentum upward into my chest, flinging a surprisingly large cascade of the remaining pee droplets in a line up onto my shirt and face.
tl;dr shake dick pee my face
demhandz81: Did you at least rub it into your skin like a fine, luxury lotion?
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1408792752 | 1408820948 | t3_2ecx4t | t5_2to41 | 93 | CoolerMasterX: TIFU by practicing good cable management
Gonna make it short since I'm typing with one hand.
Recently our router went to shit, its old so I expected this to happen at some point. Get back from town, hook everything up, get it all working, etc...
Everything is ready to go except the computer closest to the router is a mess of dust and cable tangles. Having a dislike of both I unhook everything and get to work making it tidy. Eventually its all looking nice and organized, only thing left is the zip ties to keep it all in order.
Tie #1: tightened down, cut excess with scissors.
Tie #2: tightened down, cut excess with scissors.
Tie #3: tightened down, cut -CRUNCH
This is the sound I hear, not a *snick*, a loud and wet CRUNCH
Shitting dick nipples
I just cut off the tip of my finger with scissors.
There was so, so much blood out of nowhere. It came faster than I thought possible, and faster than I could respond. I rushed over and covered the hole with paper towels and applied as much pressure as I could bear. There was no way in hell I could go to the emergency room, that's $5000 and a 9 hour wait I can't afford. Best I could do was apply pressure and hope it clots soon. It did eventually, with the paper towel still stuck inside. So now I've got a doctor appointment tomorrow to get this taken care off properly and to get a tetanus shot.
I hate needles.
Bonus: that same night my other index finger got caught in one of those plastic cans of computer monitor wipes. The hole the wipes come out of has inward facing "teeth", and I was trying to push the wipes back in. I had to go to my brother and he had to cut the lid in half all while trying not to laugh too hard as I stood there with one hand wrapped in gauze, and the other trapped in a plastic tube.
I'm starting to think the only reason I'm getting a Bachelor's degree is out of pity.
acun1994: Ouch. But then again, where the heck do you live that a slit fingertip and a trip to the ER would cost $5000?!
CoolerMasterX: It's an exaggeration on my part but medical help is expensive in California. It'd be more like $440 or more and we can't afford that right now. No medical insurance is no bueno. And after my last experience of going to an ER (waited 6 hours after falling down a hill and busted some teeth out of my mouth) I figured it'd be best to just go see my family's doctor in the morning as it wasn't life threatening.
acun1994: Yeah, without medical insurance, even small injuries can become expensive. At least you didn't do any permanent damage.
P.S. /u/mebeonreddit has a point. Long-edged scissors aren't exactly the best thing to cut cable ties with :P
P.P.S. Ouch again. Just saw your pic. Hope you regain feeling in the tip and what's the flap on the tip? The stuff that got stuck?
GaryColeman69_69: To be fair if he had one of the best insurance plans he'd still be responsible for his ER copay and deductible of probably about $500 so he'd have to take on most of this fuck up on his own regardless
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1408796420 | 1408958685 | t3_2ed02a | t5_2to41 | 563 | The_Beaner: TIFU by riding my bike 14 miles (22.53KM) to work, only to remember i forgot my key as the bike lock clicked closed...
If you know the Colorado Springs area, i live near Powers Blvd and work in Schreiver AFB. In an attemp to get in better shape, I decided to start riding my bike to work. I woke up at 3AM to give myself a buffer since i had to be at work at 5AM. After riding along an unlit road for about 1hr 15min i take my cable-style lock and proceed to wind it along both tires and the frame. Clicking both ends together I immediately remember I left my key in my car. I guess I'll be bumming a ride... http://www.colonydrop.com/media/blogs/main/images/amnesia/unwrittenbookofroad.jpg
ozebb: I always store my lock locked anymore, so that I can't even get it around my bike if I've forgotten my key and know to make other arrangements (I can take it into my office if I must, but I generally don't feel the need as long as it's locked).
I've done this more than once.
The_Beaner: makes sense, thanks for the tip!!
peilthetraveler: Something similar happened to me, but because I don't like carrying keys around, I thought it would be a great idea to get one of those combination locks, but since I'm bad at remember numbers, I ended up getting one of those word combination locks. Long story short, I forgot the word, called the manufacturer to ask how to open the lock, to which he basically said "there is no possible way we can know that, you have to cut it"
:(
Classified0: I'm pretty bad at remembering numbers as well, but not bad at mental arithmetic and memorizing equations. So, whenever I have to set a pin, I create an equation to memorize the pin instead. Eventually, doing this enough makes me memorize the pin itself, and I always have a fallback in case I forget.
tobobo36: It's because you are consciously thinking about the number more when you arrange it in the form of a math equation. Most people use simple association like for example maybe if there was a 6 and a 9 together well then you associate that with the sex position and that makes it easier to remember. Association is easy to get the hang of but if you have to remember a lot of things then it isn't as useful. Another method to memorize stuff is a mind palace which is really hard to get used to but works a lot better if you put the effort in and do it for a few weeks. I can still remember the stuff I put in my mind palace over like 3 days a year ago.
Classified0: Yeah, I've heard of the Mind Palace method. It seems like it would take a very long time to set up. I don't know anyone whose actually done it, would you mind explaining some of your experience with it?
Also, regarding your association comment. Can totally see it, I remember a lot more when talking to someone about a topic than if I just try to think of the topic out of the blue. One fact just leads to another, which leads to another, and so on.
tobobo36: For my mind palace I used an old house I used to live in but I changed the door for each room sp that they would be more unique. After that what I would do is if I had something I wanted to remember I would make an association and physically place it into the room that corresponds with the memory. For me I used places so I had a hone door, a school door, a bus door and a going out door. Is that what you wanted? If not you may have to ask more specific questions.
Classified0: Do you close your eyes and imagine yourself walking through the house?
tobobo36: I was lazy and would like teleport to the door to the room I wanted to go to because otherwise it takes a good couple minutes everytime you want to remember something.
| 10 | 56.3 | |
1408795869 | 1408832291 | t3_2eczme | t5_2to41 | 62 | Trevor_johnson: Tifu by bringing only one pair of boxers.
So this isn't really a "today" I fucked up but more of a "this week I fucked up'. So a very short back story. Every year we go on a family trip from Seattle to Montana. Well me being the irresponsible teenager I am. I didn't pack my bags until the day of so there was quite a few things I forgot. The biggest problem was underwear. I thought well its gunna be nasty but oh well. A week with the same underwear cant be that bad. Right? Wrong. So my mom and my brother didn't go this year leaving me my dad and sister. Which ment I got my own room. So of course every night I decided to pitch a tent. If ya catch my drift. Well im lazy as fuck and didn't wanna risk running to the bathroom to shoot my spunk so I assumed my boxars will soak them. Up and I'll be done with it. Well after about 5 days of doing so I smelt this horrible smell. And I mean HORRIBLE. I realized it was coming from my cum filled boxars. They were hella crusty and nasty. I had no idea what to do at this point because I didn't bring extra. I coundent ask my uncle (who's house we were staying at). To wash them cause that's disgusting. So I had to suffer through the crustyness and use a shit ton of Axe to cover the sent.
Now I know to pack my bags earlier
Phenom507: If you knew you only had one pair, why were you busting a nut in them?!?
If you only have one pair of boxers for a week you treat them like they are god. Or you go commando
wolfgangdieter: Also we live in a day and age where buying a couple of extras would probably not mean starvation in winter time
Phenom507: I didn't mention that because he seems to be a youngish kid.
kineo: "Hey dad, I forgot to pack underwear, mind if we run up to the store and grab a pack real quick, please?"
"Sure, son, I was wondering what has smelled around here the last couple of days. I guess that explains it! Let's get that taken care of!"
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1408797765 | 1408801750 | t3_2ed19f | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by implying a twelve-year-old girl was a cross-dresser
So this actually happened about a year ago, but I haven't been on reddit that long and I feel like I need to get this out there.
So, I was 16 at the time, and when I'd walk home from school with a few mates we'd go into the local shop and buy a few essentials: coke, tic-tacs and other assorted goodies. For a few months prior to this, my mates and I would come across this group of friends who were probably in the upper echelons of middle school (so, conservatively estimating about 11-12 years old).
They'd talk to us often, and it was a very strained relationship to say the least. They were, as all children are, fucking irritating beyond belief. They called my one mate gay, although not without justification, and would always pester my other friend for food. On one occasion, one of the little pricks went insofar as knocking a starburst out of her hands when she denied him one. *She'd unwrapped it, and all!*
So, one day we're waiting in line at the local shop. It was a fairly long queue, with a woman at the front being served, and a sea of middle-schoolers of a similar age between us. This group of friends, and the girl who we shall name "Longrod", were second-in-line.
As usual, the tit-for-tats began. It was a bustling shop, although being small, so the exchange largely went unnoticed. Longrod flung her best insult across the queue to my mate: "At least I'm not gay!"
I step up in defence of my friend: "Says the girl with a penis!"
Right before I said it, the *entire shop just fell silent*. As if God himself were punishing me for even daring to question the genitals he had granted this (not so) innocent 12-year-old girl. All eyes turned on me; the woman being served just looked at me with a shocked but amused expression, Longrod just stared at me mouth agape, and the cashier looked absolutely furious.
I simply pointed to the door and said, "I'll show myself out," ashamed of being defeated by a foe called Unfortunate Circumstance. A worthy foe, indeed.
rockandrollandsleep: I don't really get the FU here.
She insulted, you insulted back, surely people heard her and some more heard you.
And it wasn't a terrible comeback soo... be happy man ;D
[deleted]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU
rockandrollandsleep: That's the spirit.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408800524 | 1408896162 | t3_2ed3y9 | t5_2to41 | 22 | IMACanadianAMA: TIFU by flashing girls at a vulnerable time
I am very shitty at telling stories and delivering ideas, so please bear with me.
This happened last night at the gym. It was a very quiet night and once my workout ended, I went back to the locker room for a shower. Usually, I am very self conscious about showering in the "open showers" and use the stall instead, but that day, I was feeling adventurous, plus it was empty, so it shouldn't have been a problem, (it was about 15 minutes from closing time.)
So I'm just there showering exposing myself, and because of something I read on /r/nofap, I was showering in cold water. Now we all know about what happens to dicks when in contact with cold water. All of the sudden, two people enter the locker room from the back door, coming from the pool area. I freak out for a quick second, but decide that who gives a shit, I can just play it cool and they won't even notice. It turns out they were very confused girls who couldn't tell this is the men's room,(and it's true, the back doors are very confusing, and look all the same. You'd have to remember the order of the rooms) but they didn't notice that until I had accidentally showed them my shriveled up bad boy. One was good looking, but I didn't notice the other one. The good looking one laughed as she slightly turned and walked away, while the other one ran screaming.
R.I.P. Confidence.
TL;DR Confused girls saw my dick while I was showering in cold water...
moododude: If they don't know what happens to a dick when it gets into cold water then they probably don't have much experience with men. Either way they were total strangers so I doubt you're ever going to see them again. And if you do then just laugh it off. Turn it into a funny embarrassing story :)
Daniel-H: Well, even if they do have experience it doesn't mean that they won't laugh/run away screaming.
moododude: If they have experience they'll probably still laugh, but they won't run away screaming because they'll know it's perfectly normal. I really wouldn't worry about it dude.
Daniel-H: I'm not the OP, but I see your point.
Still though, the shock of it all *might* lead to running and screaming. Girls sometimes don't make sense. (Neither do guys, as I am proof of.)
moododude: Point well made. But if they do then they're too immature for any kind of rewarding relationship so no need to worry :)
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1408800230 | 1408846825 | t3_2ed3of | t5_2to41 | 499 | chairscare: TIFU by screaming without thinking
this TIFU happened about a decade ago when i was in high school but has still remained one of my most shameful moments that my high school friends still tease me about to this day.
i was in math class and the teacher had us do an exercise with random partners that she chose, meaning half of us had to switch seats to go sit with our assigned partner. my partner was on the other side of the classroom so i got up to go sit with her. like most people i left all my stuff (backpack, etc) at my normal seat.
just before the end of class, when the exercise was over, we went back to our normal seats. as i was about to sit down, i noticed my chair was covered in blood. and not just a little bit, but just covered. sidenote about me: i am and always have been deathly afraid of blood. without thinking about where it might have come from, i immediately screamed at the top of my lungs. chaos ensued and the entire class came running over to see the bloody chair. and that was when i saw her...
a girl in my class standing back in the corner of the room, facing us with the most humiliated look on her face. she was always so quiet and shy, i'm not sure i had ever heard her speak. she was wearing a skirt and i immediately put the facts together that she must have been sitting in my chair during the exercise, and she must have gotten her period all over it. we all stood there in awkward silence for a couple of seconds staring at her and then the bell rang and we all left the classroom. being basically still a kid and super embarrassed about overreacting to seeing the blood, i booked it out of there with everyone else instead of staying back and helping with the situation or apologizing to the girl.
this is where the TIFU really gets bad. the next day, the girl wasn't in class. or the next day, or the next day. i had friends who had other classes with her who confirmed she wasn't in those classes either and hadn't come back to school at all. weeks and months went by and she still didn't return. i was friendly with one girl who grew up on the girl's street and knew her from childhood who eventually told me that the girl developed some sort of social anxiety and never left her house again. in fact, the last update i heard a year or two ago was that she is still struggling with the anxiety and still hasn't left her house.
TL;DR: found bloody chair and screamed bloody murder, calling attention to shy girl who got her period all over it. ruined her life and she never left her house again.
__Viper__: It wasn't really your fault, maybe you should have apologized or something but essentially, you didn't squeeze the blood out of her.
chairscare: i've always carried the guilt that if it wasn't for my overreaction, i could have been discrete about it and helped the girl without calling attention to the situation and humiliating her.
Barfignugen: If she had this kind of reaction based on your reaction, it's important for you to remember that this probably would have happened either way. It sounds like she had some deeper-rooted issues that would have been triggered eventually; If it hadn't been you, it would have been something else. Not your fault.
lamarrotems: Exactly, would have happened either way. No way one event triggers a lifelong illness.
finface: What about PTSD?
lamarrotems: You got me, you are right. I bet this triggered PTSD in an otherwise normal girl.
guntherky: He meant in general. You made a blanket statement and he provided a counter example.
lamarrotems: Whoops, I understand now
| 9 | 55.444444 | |
1408802530 | 1408827610 | t3_2ed608 | t5_2to41 | 237 | IkeClanton: TIFU by assuming my kid was done pooping
This happened last week and this is my 1st post. I SAH with 2 kids... Did I lose you there? Anyway, I was having a bad morning. Everything was rushed and chaotic. I was trying to get out the door, but every task was taking 10 minutes longer than it should've. My 1yo daughter always poops after breakfast. I can count on it like clockwork. So I drag her up to change her diaper and get her out of her PJs. After she's fresh and clean-bottomed again, I hear my son yell for me from downstairs, so I toss baby in her crib naked to run down and see what his problem was. You see where this is going? After I took care of my son's minor problem, I run back up to my daughter and that's when I see the carnage. She shit again. In her bed. And smeared it all over herself, her crib, and her walls. It was in her hair, in the cracks of her intricate crib, and dripping off the wall onto the carpet. I now understand the meaning of "a shit-eating grin," because my kid was loving it. I'm not kidding when I tell you I cried like a baby. It took the rest of the morning and a good amount of bleach to clean it up while my amazing older grandma-type neighbor watched my kids for me.
TL;DR I trusted that my 1yo was done pooping for the time being and put her in her crib butt naked. HUGE mistake.
Wncredditor: I like to treat my kid like a gun and always assume it's loaded and keep the safety (diaper) on at all times.
namethatisclever: This guy/girl gets it.
Wncredditor: You can call me Pat
IkeClanton: "I crushed my nuts... There goes my afternoon snack"
| 5 | 47.4 | |
1408803417 | 1408816067 | t3_2ed700 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to do the "Yeeah" thing.
So I was hanging out with my friend. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: "I'm a potato if Beavis and Butthead is better than The Regular Show."
Him: That would explain your intelligence.
So then I decided to do the YEEEAHH thing sarcastically to show the stupidness of his insult and whipped my sunglasses on. Too bad he jokingly punched me, causing me stab it into my eye and shriek horribly for the next 5 minutes as I looked at it in the mirror.
demhandz81: You both sound like no fun to hangout with
RyanSH12: YEEEAHHH
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408805142 | 1415133398 | t3_2ed90k | t5_2to41 | 6 | be_unicorn: TIFU by putting water in my Nescafe mix
I just woke up after a long night of partying, i put the Nescafe coffee mix in my cup and instead of putting hot water from the cooler i just went to the sink and filled the cup with tap water #truestory
demhandz81: woah man you're living a wild life.
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 3 | 2 | |
1408805879 | 1408827097 | t3_2ed9zn | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by inviting a guy for a quickie in the car
This happened a few months ago. I had planned to take this incident of utter embarrassment and guilt to the grave, but then i found this awe-inspiring subreddit.
**Background** - I was low for quite a few months since my ex broke up with me, had gained a lot of weight, had become asocial and basically all i had was the internet. Eventually i got tired of watching porn and masturbating, so I thought what the heck, lets take some advantage of being a girl and instantly finding a willing participant in sex on okcupid.com
**Prelude** - I quickly created an account on OKCupid, checked the "Looking for casual sex" option and mentioned in "About Me" that i wanted someone to come over tonight. And as if meeting a stranger for instant sex wasn't enough thrill for me, I also put in my sex fantasy of doing it in the car. As expected, i started getting responses within seconds and chose one guy who said he could be at my place within 40 minutes and had a great car.
**Act I** - I give him the address of a nearby house thinking i was a smartass. Since i was horny i wore a short skirt and went commando. He texted he was there so at around 12AM i walked out in a mini skirt in December and slipped twice on my way to his car because my legs were in so much pain in the cold. But my resolve to fuck was stronger than it had ever been so i get in his car and we drive a little far in another parking lot away from my neighborhood. Even now i hadn't even seen his face properly, and i didn't even care. We finally find a dark enough parking lot and we start getting in the mode.
I ask him how are we going to do this since this is my first time in a car and he reclines my passenger's seat and gets on top of me. He barely has enough room to move and I feel like a mashed potato. Its all so mechanical and awkward, it doesn't even strike us to kiss. He somehow manages to get his hands down there and i am a little wet thankfully. I ask him to get his dick out and put it in cause i want this to be over quickly. There i am in a position I never thought I would ever be - legs spread wide facing the windsheild with a stranger in between. He complies and tries to get in me but just can't. Then it dawns on me that I should probably have told him i was *kind of* a virgin. I realized all those masturbation sessions with my vibrator did not magically prepare my vagina for a dick for instant gratification. But hey, I called him over all the way and the least I could do was not bail out right? So I just keep encouraging him to get in there but everytime he does its so damn painful, my face contorts and the poor guy stops. There is absolutely no attraction whatsoever, physical or mental. I just wanted a dick in me.
After a few tries thankfully a Jeep full of guys came into the parking lot so he hopped on back to his driver's seat and we drove away, in search of a new fuck place. Neither of us wanted to give up just yet. He asked me if we could go to my place but i had my roommate who would've asked more questions than i can imagine since i never had a guy over and she knew all about my break up and depression. So i said we can't.
**Act II** - We end up finding another secluded dark place and he stops. We try to do it in the same position but after a bit we're tired. By this time i lose all hopes of fucking but he still has a few ideas. And because i was guilty of calling him over all the way i go along with it. We go into the back seat and he gets on top of me, but he was so tall that he couldn't fit in, so then he suggests me getting on top. By this time i was so tired i told him i was too lazy to do that. Like literally told him that. I guess this was the final straw and after again asking we couldn't go back to my place, he finally drops me over to the same fake address where i dread to walk from in the snow wearing a skirt and naked under.
**End** - He goes home without sex, I feel guilty all night. Since then he's been texting me often offering to bang but i don't think he realized 1. I'm a virgin and 2. I don't want to have sex with him. But to avoid feeling even more like a bitch i text him back from time to time, just keeping in touch with the person who was part of the stupidest night of my life.
TL;DR: Invited a stranger over to have sex in his car, slipped in the snow, couldn't fuck cause virgin, told him i was feeling lazy to be on top and try, sent him back home without sex, still keeping in touch.
WPBDoc: This is probably the saddest TIFU I have ever read. Seriously, please go get some counseling. You have a need for self-respect and self-improvement quickly. What would drive you to do this?
wapimaskwa: cha. Absolutely nothing wrong with being horny and initiating some casual sex. There is no need for counseling and cut with the slut shaming.
| 3 | 12 | |
1408808365 | 1408808924 | t3_2eddc8 | t5_2to41 | 7 | HunterSmoke: TIFU by spilling water on my friend's laptop
I was at a get-together with a bunch of friends the other day, and we were all playing Minecraft together. We had just invented "pig jousting," wherein some players are in survival mode and ride pigs while waving around swords with knockback and other players are in creative mode and use leashes to carry the pigs around while flying.
Much fun was being had, until I decided I didn't like the glare of the sunlight (which was obviously mad that we were ignoring it) on my screen and had to adjust the angle of it, knocking over the glass of water that I'd placed in the middle of the table an hour or so ago with the back of my laptop screen.
Initially we didn't freak out at all, just calmly moved our laptops away from the spill and started mopping it up. After all, this sort of thing happens from time to time, and it's usually no big deal. My friend next to me got a lot of water on his pants when it dripped off the table, so of course we made fun of him for peeing his pants.
But then my friend's laptop turned off. The screen on his shiny, expensive macbook pro went black. The LED on his pristine, white charger cable emitted light no more. Oh shit.
We dried it as best we could with towels, but water was leaking out from under the trackpad. We even unscrewed the back of it and dried off what we could from there since his warranty was expired anyways... but to no avail. The most life we got out of it was a flicker of light on the front panel and a faint whirr from the fan before it died.
My friend took it really well though and didn't seem to be mad at me, even though I feel totally responsible for this and think I'm an idiot. He said since it was such an old laptop anyway (2009) he would look for a new one...
TL;DR: I spilled water on my friends 2009 macbook pro and fried it, though he isn't particularly mad at me as far as I can tell
cherylannmarie: It was clearly an accident. Kudos to your friend for being a good sport about it because most people wouldn't have been.
HunterSmoke: I know it was an accident, but still... My friend and I are both insanely calm individuals. The kind of person to not fly into a rage when someone destroys their laptop.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408807619 | 1408855658 | t3_2edcc2 | t5_2to41 | 2,983 | TKches: TIFU by eating ramen in bed (Mild NSFW)
My girlfriend and I were in our bedroom and I had finally convinced her to watch MXC (Most Extreme Elimination Challenge) with me. I have the series on DVD and since we just moved in together, we had no internet and were stuck to the DVD player. Despite her resistance, she agreed on watching the show after we made some food. We're broke from the move, but I do have a giant box of chicken flavored ramen noodle packages that I received from my mom as a moving gift. We cook the ramen, bowl it up and head back to the bedroom for some pre-Wipeout era-Japanese game show-Spike TV dub-insanity.
I move to sit at the edge of the bed, my intuition leading me unconsciously to what I perceived to the be safest place for me to chow some noodles. My girlfriend opts to sit back on the bed and use the wall as a chair back, bowl of noodles in lap. After I move back to match her seating position, time stands still as I try to eat a fork-full and lose control of the bowl I'm now holding in just my left hand. It flips, slipping noodles and near-boiling water directly into my lap. (By the way, I'm naked except for a pair of purple briefs.) Letting out the cry of some demon spawn from the depths of Hell, my hands shoot to grasp the hotdog boiling in between my legs as I jump from the bed trailing hot water and flinging noodles all over the house.
Running to the bathroom, I tear off my wet underwear and examine the damage. The upper part of my left thigh is scorched, but my focus lie on the brutal crimson burn on the head of my penis. Just then, my girlfriend makes it to the bathroom door screaming, "What happened?!?" Still clenching my penis in a vice grip, I unintelligibly yell, "I BURNT THE END OF MY DICK OFF!" There were bits of upturnt seared flesh around the pinkish edges of the burn, and grand visions of tortures endured by fallen souls flashed through my head.
Ultimately, the burns were not severe (still excruciatingly painful), I had to miss 3 straight work shifts, keeping me broke and eating ramen noodles. But at least I get the story.
TL;DR Burnt my penis with hot noodles.
tiikaiielle: Did she like MXC?
TKches: Loved it! Obviously, all ladies are drawn to Guy LeDouche.
tiikaiielle: You could also submit the idea that contestants can submerse their manhoods in boiling ramen to MXC. I'd watch that.
MrMumble: I've got some bad news for you.
tiikaiielle: Yeh, what's that?
MrMumble: Every day you are one day closer to death.
[deleted]: Actually thats incorrect, You could die 5 seconds from now, 5 years, or 100 years from now. "Every day you are one day closer to death." As famously said [that's not how this works that's not how any of this works](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FFG1NqKzCg).
MrMumble: It doesn't matter how long or short you live. you will eventually die. And every day you live puts you one day closer to the day you die.
[deleted]: "Every man Dies. Not everyone truely lives." - William Wallace
YuckFouMan: "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." - Dr Dre
[deleted]: "I wanna be yo N.I.G.G.A So we can get drunk and smoke weed all day; it don't matter if yo lonely baby, you need a thug in your life cus busta's aint lovin you right" - Tupac Amaru Shakur
| 12 | 248.583333 | |
1408810248 | 1408904244 | t3_2edg25 | t5_2to41 | 30 | Thisisabrahamlincoln: TIFU by having a threesome
I am visiting a girl I met last year this weekend at a big 10 school - let's call her Melissa. She is a really sexy, curvy blonde girl and we got pretty freaky when we first met. Anyhow, fast-forward almost a year to yesterday and I am at her house (where I am planning on staying) drinking with her and all her girlfriends.
We're all starting to party pretty hard and she asks me in front of her least attractive friend (dammit) if I would be open to a threesome. If Melissa is a 9, her friend is a 4. But they both seem eager, and it would have been super awkward to say no right in front of the 4, so I just kind of shrugged like "sure, let's go for it."
30 minutes later everyone leaves the house except for us three, and sexy time begins. It was pretty awesome, but it kind of ends up going on for too long because I am drunk / did a couple lines. Some time later, I am fucking the 4, and "Melissa" leaves the room. I guess I didn't notice it at the time. Keep in mind, I really only wanted to fuck "melissa" but I was prompted / encouraged by Melissa to fuck the 4 repeatedly and I complied.
A few minutes later, the door flies open, and two of Melissa's roommates are there, screaming at both of us to "get the fuck out of our house". In the confusion, the 4 leaves before me, and I am stranded on the streets w blue balls at 3am. Melissa is not answering my texts or calls and her other sexy friends hate my guts.
BulldawzerG6: Unlikely, she wanted to spite you for some reason.
Looks like she got overly jealous when she realized you'd fuck a 4 in front of her.
Malamutewhisperer: There's definitely more to this story. That was a total set-up, and I'm really curious why.
OP mentioned "got pretty freaky" in the past. How so? Did you tell everyone about it? WHY DID SHE SET YOU UP LIKE THIS!
But, damn....giving credit where it's due...she got your ass GOOD! Timing, distance, it being a '4'. I bet she hated he for some reason too!
I want to meet this "Melissa".
ladylei: Same reason why guys set girls up with these impossible situations. They are assholes playing a game that you won't ever win because the people that set up the situations are fucked up in the brain.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1408811181 | 1408812380 | t3_2edhfa | t5_2to41 | 74 | Mrdrunkenbatman: TIFU by trying to put out candles with an air duster.
We had fondue as an afternoon snack and the candles that are inside the fondue pot stand are not easy to reach so I blasted some air in to it from an air duster....... Turns out it is "F+" Which is really flammable.
Set fire to the table cloth and napkins made a girl scream and start crying.
demhandz81: So how was the fondue?
Mrdrunkenbatman: Really good.
| 3 | 24.666667 | |
1408812330 | 1408862784 | t3_2edj5o | t5_2to41 | 108 | keirasocks: TIFU by shitting myself on a first date
This happened Sunday, but due to rules on the subreddit it had to wait until today.
So 2 weeks ago I was grazed by a car riding my motorcycle on the streets of New York. Pretty big hematoma (fancy word for big-ass bruise) and tons of blood under the skin. Rather painful, had to be drained a few times plus was medicated like crazy. Long story short there were a few weeks of drugs I was given by my doctor. One of them, Tylenol 3, did an amazing job at relieving the pain in my thigh. An unfortunate side-effect of the codeine in the T3's was that it made me constipated. I was shitting dry bricks for a few days before biting the bullet and loading up on laxatives to soothe my aching blocked-up body.
So I take the laxatives in conjunction with the T3s and a drug called Naproxen. On them everything is fine and it's as if I was completely healthy aside from a massive purple/blue spot on my thigh. Mind you, did draw some stares from people at a beach... screw em. I worked hard to feel comfortable in a bikini, I'm gonna wear one. Life was all fine and dandy for about a week until I get a message on OkCupid from this guy who seems to have it all: looks, education, good sense of humour (from the Commonwealth and living in the States.), and generally seemed to have his shit together. Perhaps a bad choice of words.
So we talk on there, gtalk, and eventually exchange numbers before arranging a date for Sunday evening at a place hilariously expensive and well beyond my means. I'm thinking why not? Good excuse to dress nicely and be one of those pretentious snobs in a cocktail bar I imagined every adult was like in their 20s as a kid. So I dress to the nines and meet the guy there, being sure not to take the T3's several hours in advance and just using Naproxen. Not wanting to break what had seemed to be working, I took a laxative thinking the Naproxen had just as much effect on my digestive system as the T3's alone. No it didn't.
We meet at the bar (I won't say, mostly since I don't think I can show my face there every again) and this guy is just an 11/10 in terms of personality, intellect, AND looks. I'm deleting my OkCupid profile in my head when the second round of drinks come 'round. That's when something else was starting to come around, and it didn't want to stick around long. I thought the gurgling in my abdomen was nothing to worry about, and as I stayed glued to my seat I came to the realisation this was a fuck-up on epic proportions.
You see kids, when you're on a diet that has codeine in it for nearly 2 weeks, your body begins to adapt to the laxatives mixed in with it so you have normal bowel movements. Since there was no more codeine in my system, it was basically just a liquid waiting to emerge. I was really regretting the shawarma I had earlier in the day at work for lunch. The gas was making me uncomfortable, so I (like an expert) let out the tiniest, silent poot one could ever do in a professional setting. Even the Queen would have applauded such a move! Such professionalism! Such... maybe I can afford one more. That would surely make me feel so much better and not blow it with Mr. Awesome, right?
Then I feel it. Hot and wet... but just a tiny, tiny bit.
I knew I had shit myself, but nobody else but me knew it. Worse is the Persians were at the gates waiting to burst forward past the 300 Spartans that was my internal anal sphincter. I could hold on and maybe achieve a Pyrrhic victory, but it was not meant to be. The laxatives were my Ephialtes and the deed was done. I didn't break conversation with the guy, didn't even so much as flinch aside from trying to shift and make sure nobody could see a brown stain on my dress or on the seat. Shifting was a mistake.
I must have set something off, because I felt it and the date knew right away something was up. He gets up when sees I'm in distress, only to see... what can only be described as a horrible mess staining an otherwise perfect setting. People around me get up, yelling and screaming while I'm there making this face that suggests more disgust at myself rather than raw embarrassment. The date is fucking freaked out and runs to the bar to pay for the evening before bolting out the door. He wasn't the only person to do so.
I squished my way to the ladies room to clean/salvage whatever I could off, but it was just this horrible mess that left a dress, panties, and shoes completely ruined. I made it out of the bar an hour later thanks to an incredibly kind manager offering me a change of trousers that trainees are given and a spare tee that had been lying around in a lost and found somewhere in a staff room. Needless to say there wasn't a second date arranged.
TL;DR- laxatives + codeine make for normal bowel movements. When you take the codeine out for a date, you tend to shit yourself.
LouisQuatorze: Tylenol 3 is a serious painkiller. You say you had been taking it for two weeks. Why would you suddenly stop taking it? Better yet, how could you have two rounds of drinks with at least some codeine in your system?
Something here is not adding up.
rxcowboy: Hahaha ok. T3s are one of the weakest controlled painkillers, no where near even a Vicodin. As far as mixing Codiene with drinks, what do you think "sizzurp" is?
LouisQuatorze: > sizzurp
You mean like this? http://www.drugfree.org/newsroom/rapper-lil-wayne-released-from-hospital-after-seizures-linked-to-reported-use-of-sizzurp/
rxcowboy: Yep! Opiates and booze are a hell on wheels combo, but t3s are the weakest off the bunch.
| 5 | 21.6 | |
1408812424 | 1408847998 | t3_2edjay | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by Putting my phone against the window that's over the kitchen sink.
This happened yesterday. It started like any other day, the basement was cold as balls and my balls were cold and shrivelled. So i decided to go upstairs to grab a hot pocket. I grabbed my phone, went upstairs, and Put my phone against the window that's over the kitchen sink. Stupid me forgot to turn off the vibration feature on my phone. So then i went to the fridge and saw no hot pockets, but a scrumptious meatloaf from yesterday. So i bend over to grab it and my phone vibrates, then i hear a plop. I look and my phone is not there, so i looked in the kitchen sink. Low and behold my phone landed in the fucking meatloaf pan that was full of the most unholy combination of greases and splooges. I stood there in shock thinking "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK". But then it came to me that i can get a new phone out of this. Now fast forward to today, im going in to my cell carrier for a new phone. The old phone was the HTC ONE M7, might upgrade to the M8 or Galaxy S5.
P.S Sorry for my spelling and grammar. Not everyone has the best grammar abilities
angypangy: Don't get the s5 unless you're going to install a ROM. Touchwiz sucks
Whoa_Better_Fuckoff: Got the m8 M8. ;)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408813689 | 1408836315 | t3_2edl6u | t5_2to41 | 18 | Dahlhouse9663: TIFU by kicking my door open
I was at the age where I thought I was the coolest kid. If you're a guy you know what I mean. My grandpa and grandma we're visiting so I decided to go sit in my room because talking with grandparents wasn't cool. When I got to my room my door was shut. I never shut my door and the thoughts started running through my head. "Why is my door shut?" "Who was in my room?" "Is there someone in my room?" Well...I should have that about the last question a little bit more than I did. At the age I was, just opening the door wasn't cool enough but kicking it was a totally different story. Bang! The door was open. There stood my grandma. Naked. I shut the door and slowly walked away. Neither of us said anything after that.
Nohalfmeasures00: So he was in your room naked?
Dahlhouse9663: Yeah. She was naked. I still don't know why to this day.
plasma1147: naked grandma AMA
Dahlhouse9663: Why we're you naked in my room?
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1408813985 | 1408831367 | t3_2edln8 | t5_2to41 | 108 | bachtobachtobach: TIFU by eating a spoon full of dead ants.
So this happened when I was quite young but has never left my mind.
I was playing a computer racing game known as POD when I decided to get some cereal. If I remember correctly it was Frosted Flakes.
For whatever reason I didn't notice all the ants then and there.
After pouring the cereal and milk into the bowl I made my way back to the computer. I begin playing POD again and I then took the first LARGE spoonful of what i thought was delicious Frosted Flakes. After doing maybe 3-4 chews I knew something was awry. The taste was bitter and the contents more crunchy than usual. Spit it out still not quite sure what it was because i had already chewed it into obscurity. Took the spoon and plunged it into the bowl again. When I took the spoon back out of the cereal it was a mound of big dead black ants. Needless to say I washed my mouth out with soap and was traumatized.
TL;DR Ate a Spoon full of dead ants that I thought was Frosted Flakes Cereal.
baphometsrage: If it makes you feel any better, they were probably weevils. A few times over the years I've found them after they invaded a few boxes of my cereal that I hadn't eaten in a couple weeks.
Scottstoiletpaper: Weavile is even scarie
Balootwo: Every time someone mentions Weevils, this scene pops into my head...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpHCfndib0Q
Scottstoiletpaper: Cool, thanks for sharing. I was referring to Weavile the Pokemon, though.
Balootwo: Would the lesser form of the Weavile be Sneasel? In which case never take the lesser of two Weaviles (Despite what Capt. Aubrey says ;-)
| 6 | 18 | |
1408814981 | 1415133325 | t3_2edn62 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking my work schedule earlier.
Been studying for a exam for a couple of weeks now, If I nail it I'll keep getting money for studying, if I don't I'm fucked.
Noticed today that I've got my first day of work at the exact same time as the exam.
Already pushed my rent for month to await the sweet sweet money following the passing of said exam, so double rent is waitiing. And now I find out I won't be able to take it.
This means:
* Double rent
* Double every other bill
* 0 income for a month+
* 0 savings
Should've checked exact dates of work earlier...
demhandz81: Look on the brightside, at least you don't have to worry about impulse buying
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408808215 | 1408847503 | t3_2edd4v | t5_2to41 | 60 | JonHenryEden: TIFU by Laughing at a Priest During Mass
You guessed it, this didn't actually happen today, but rather several years ago when I was in high school. But hey I only found this subreddit last month. Here we go.
I attended a Catholic high school and during high school I was on the cross country team. I absolutely hated the sport but continued on with it because all of my best friends were on the team which made things fun. So the coach of the cross country team was a very well respected priest who had been teaching at the school for around a quarter of a century. He was probably as close to the living embodiment of Jesus Christ as there ever will be. He was a strict coach but a genuinely respectable and inspiring human being.
Every year towards the end of the season, Father would host a mass just for the cross country team before we departed to "districts", playoffs for the local schools essentially. This year the mass was scheduled to be in his home, which had a small chapel in it. This is where the fuck up occurred.
The chapel was a decently sized room, however no bigger than probably 20 x 40 feet. It was just large enough to fit a small crowd of 15-20 people in it. So there we were, the boys and the girls cross country team standing (there were no chairs) in this small chapel as our coach began mass. I was standing towards the front on the side of the congregation, surrounded by a few of my friends. I was probably standing about 10 feet away from Father who was standing behind the altar.
Like many teenagers, I found voice-cracks to be incredibly hilarious and my friends and I constantly made fun of each other for having them. Another fact about me, when I get bored I tend to imagine ridiculous scenarios in my head which tend to make me laugh or at least smile, which makes me look like some kind of insane creep. So it's about 20 minutes into mass and I am paying no attention at all, just daydreaming and trying to prevent myself from laughing at what I am thinking about.
Then it happened. I will never forget these words.
"Holy Mary, mother of Goooaoaoaoaaood" Hard to put into text, but it was one of the worst voice-cracks I had ever heard in my then 17 years of existence. Because I was already on the verge of laughing due to daydreaming, this just sent me over the edge. I began snorting essentially trying to laugh silently, keeping my head down so no one would see the expression on my face. I silently laughed for probably around 30 seconds, my face was turning red from trying to hold back my laughter. But the more I tried to stifle my laughter the more it grew until I finally couldn't contain it anymore.
I just completely lost it, straight up laughing loudly at this poor guy. Everything went silent, Father stopped in the middle of his sentence and looked at me, as did my entire team and the girls team as well. Father tried to be polite and continued with the service. At that point a few of my teammates began laughing at me when they saw how hard I was trying to stifle my laughter. Like a chain reaction, the laughter spreads around the room and the entire team is consumed with laughter. People laughing at me, some kids laughing because they heard the voice crack too, some just didn't know what was happening but laughing anyways. The laughing drowned out Father's sermon. It was terrible.
The girls' coach became infuriated and started kicking people out of the room. By the time she got done kicking people out, only a handful of us remained, which made things that much more awkward. Surprisingly, she didn't kick me out even though I started the chaos.
Mass ended about five minutes later. I couldn't wait to get out of that room, it was as if the awkwardness was choking and paralyzing me. Once we got outside me friends were like "wtf was that!". I explained what happened and they just started laughing even more. By the time I walked out of that chapel, my stomach hurt from laughing so much, my face was blood red, and I had worked up a decent sweat from the laughter and subsequent embarrassment.
Father never brought the issue up and treated me as if nothing had happened. I feebly tried to apologize on one occasion, but there was always a certain amount of awkwardness between us for the rest of my cross country career. The incident became famous and the story spread around the school. I became known as the kid who laughed at Father.
I graduated that spring, and didn't really keep in touch with him. To this day I still replay the incident in my head.
I'm sorry Father.
tldr: Laughed at a priest during high school while he was saying mass because he had a voice-crack; ignited a chain reaction of laughter, laughter lasts for several minutes; awkwardness ensues.
Sipdippity: The fact that people call priests father creeps me the hell out. just sayin.
Holiday_beef: Um...ok?
| 3 | 20 | |
1408815780 | 1409253991 | t3_2edofc | t5_2to41 | 206 | throwawaybrbr: TIFU by not using a condom.
A year ago, she said she was on birth control.
5 months ago she said she was pregnant but "didn't know until recently".
3 months ago she gave birth.
Yesterday I found out it's mine.
I'm 23. I don't want this.
Spicypickels: If she lied about the birth control you can probably take legal action.
HopelessSemantic: She may not have actually lied. Birth control isn't 100% effective, and if it took her nearly 7 months to figure out that she was pregnant, she's probably not the sharpest crayon in the box.
Spicypickels: Condoms are at what 98% and birthcontrol is getting 99.5% +? Chances are she lied
HopelessSemantic: I've been busy, so this reply is late, but no, they aren't that effective. The numbers you quoted are the theoretical, or "perfect use" numbers. In reality, the pill is about 92% effective, and condoms about 85%.
Sure, it is still possible that she lied, but plenty of people do fall in to that 8%.
Spicypickels: If you can't properly use birth control you probably shouldn't be having sex.
HopelessSemantic: That would actually be most people, then. Not very realistic.
Spicypickels: How do you fuck up taking a pill or shrink wrapping your dick?
HopelessSemantic: The most common mistakes with the pill would be not taking it at the same time every day, not knowing which drugs can reduce the effectiveness of the pill (antibiotics, St. John's Wort, etc.), and not using backup when necessary.
For condoms, using the wrong lubricants can weaken latex condoms, as can not using lube when it's needed. Long nails , jewelry, etc. can cause tears in the condom. Using the wrong size condom can also cause the condom to break or to not stay on. Genital contact before the condom is put on can possibly result in pregnancy. Placing the condom on the penis incorrectly is also a common problem. For example, if you start to unroll the condom the wrong way, then have to turn it around, it's possible for pre-cum (which can contain sperm) to be deposited onto the outside of the condom. Another common issue is failing to withdraw while the penis is still erect, which can cause the condom to leak, and not holding the base of the condom upon withdrawal, which can result in the condom slipping off or leaking. Polyurethane condoms may not be as effective as latex, and lambskin condoms may not protect against HIV
Spicypickels: I'm aware.
HopelessSemantic: Then why did you ask?
Spicypickels: Are Rhetorical questions new to you?
HopelessSemantic: No, but that didn't seem like a rhetorical question, when there are actually so many ways to mess those things up that a lot of people are completely unaware of.
Spicypickels: Then people are fucking stupid.
| 14 | 14.714286 | |
1408816576 | 1408819872 | t3_2edpnr | t5_2to41 | 3 | Drkhazix: TIFU by eating a burger full of ants
I saw a tifu about someone eating ants instead of frosted flakes. Brought back memories; When I was young i never knew what ants were, so one day my mom brought home mcdonalds and there was a trail of ants, and to my curiosity i started grabbing them and putting them inside my burger. After a while i took a bite and then i showed my mom what i had done to my burger, ended up getting a spanking and a time out and my mom made me throw up..
HolocaustArchitect: Who just puts bugs in their foods and eats it
synthparadox: http://fortune.com/2014/07/18/bugs-in-your-protein-bar-are-edible-insects-the-next-food-craze/
| 3 | 1 | |
1408816903 | 1408818905 | t3_2edq5e | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting laid at a BAD time.
Im 16 and have been in an overall amazing relationship with a girl for 6 months, So today her mom asked if we could go over to her place and clean the house a little bit for some family that was coming in from out of state tonight while she was at work. This wasnt a problem as both of us wanted to see each other today and she had been teasing with the 'Dirty Dirty' for about 3-4 days or so making the overall tension EXTREMELY high.
So we get to her place and right away clothes are flying everywhere, were both getting out of control, and slowly but surely making our way to the bedroom. Fast forward 15 minutes and her mom decided that right then would be a great time to call me and ask us how progress is with the house. Not a problem, just tell her were about done and be on with it. What I didnt think about in my dumbass horny state was that I heard a car radio in the back ground. AKA NOT A GOOD THING.
Not even thinking about it, we continue on and have the grand finale yada da. About 5 minutes after the phone call we hear the creak of her front door and the sounds of foot steps coming towards us. As fast as we could, we each grabbed what clothes were immediately in front of us. I ran for the bathroom, she stayed in her room and shut the door. Now as for her mother, Think ultra-conservative-christian. In other words, I'm in DEEP DEEP shit.
5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, then 20, then 40.Almost and hour later of listening to my gf and her mom talk and the occasional whine or bark from the dogs, I hear a knock on the door. Could it be my GF? Is she here to get me my clothes and sneak me out the back window? Nope, Its her mother. How did she know? I left my pickup in the Driveway.
After a long streak of screaming that would even make Satan himself cower in a corner; I'm now no longer allowed to see my gf for the time being, no longer allowed on their property without threat of persecution and a 12 guage slug, and no longer allowed to contact her untill informed otherwise by her mother.
She's contacted my parents about the issue and will update as they chime in.
Scybur: Totally off topic but you're 16 and own a pickup ? NICE!
US-Desert-Rat: Just had to save money and ask about potential jobs wherever I went. Probably much easier to retain money the younger you are.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408813876 | 1408859492 | t3_2edlhg | t5_2to41 | 6 | _Jimothy_: TIFU by making a bad joke to the wrong person/people
So I was on my phone chillin' like a villain when I thought, "I should go on Instagram." Yes I have one and yes I'm a boy. Don't judge.
Well, anyways someone posted a pro feminist picture captioned '#feministfriday. And by no means am I against equal rights. I'm not. I am just dumb sometimes.
This girl, though, is a "feminist extremist" type of person. Men are useless, that kind of stuff.
So, dumb me thought, "I should make a joke. I'm sure she'll know I'm kidding."
I WAS WRONG. I comment #misogynistmonday. Now I've got tons of people calling me sexist and evil. I tried to apologize and explain the joke and stuff but that did jack squat. They insist that I'm a terrible person. I guess I deserve it though...
So that's it. Sorry for the crappy formatting. It is late and I am tired.
TL;DR: I made a sexist joke to the wrong person/people and everyone took it seriously, plus some bad formatting
shit-I-justfuckedup: Well, you really just kinda leveled the playing field there. Some dumb bitches believing women are superior don't like that, that's their problem. Personally, I find the existence of feminists offensive.
_Jimothy_: Yeah. They used to be a noble cause, trying to get equal rights for sexes. But now it is kind of just around to degrade men. It is offensive, I agree
| 3 | 2 | |
1408817252 | 1408819395 | t3_2edqpa | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to look cool around a group of girls
I was out of state on a school related trip and we were allowed to visit the local mall. A structure I had never seen the inside of in my entire life, dammit! Ahem. You will see shortly why I feel the need to defend myself with such a disclaimer.
In the distance I noticed a group of young ladies: a drama if you will. I know they call lions a pride, and crows are like a murder. I think they call a gathering of teenage girls a drama. I'll need to update Wikipedia later.
I approached. And I asked the crowd of pigtails and friendship bracelets "do you all know what time it is?" Please keep in mind, up until this point I had used that opening frequently with an acceptable success rate. It was just a nice way to break the ice, get the other party talking so that I could introduce myself and eventually ask for a way to reach them later for ice cream and romance.
HOWEVER...
On this particular occasion, as soon as the final syllable of "do you know what time it is" had left my lips, there was an eruption of laughter. A cacophony of cackles if you will. This was not the laughter of "Oh tee hee, it's a boy." No. This was directed completely at ME!
The leader... and I'm just guessing she was the leader. She had the most friendship bracelets. I've seen Battlestar Gallatica, I know how this works. It's like, one friendship bracelet is a private and so on. Well this one had FOUR! So she was obviously held in high esteem. She stepped to the side and revealed an establishment behind them all. But this was not just any establishment.
This was a shop whose sole purpose was the creation and distribution of clocks.
CLOCKS...
As in "do you know what time it is" clocks. Time pieces. Big Bens. Alarms. Sundials. Whatever the fuck you want to call them. They were all there, staring at me and laughing. The casual ear may have heard "tic toc. tic toc." But what I heard was "idi-ot. idi-ot."
And as I stood there, frozen in the awkwardness of it all, the group of girls migrated south.
You hear about these star athletes who get injured. They have surgery and go through physical rehabilitation until the doctor gives them the green light. But their game is never quite the same. Well that's how it is with me. My swagger ACL has been torn. Yes it should heal over time, but I doubt I'll ever be quite the same. For all I know I'll ask a girl, "Oh did it hurt when you feel from heaven?" and she will pull up her sleeve revealing a cast. That is the paranoia that is my life from hence forth.
anonymys: TIL a group of teenage girls is called a drama. Thanks, OP.
Jonny_D85: Would have called them an odd myself, because they *can't even*.
anonymys: That's a group of tumblr users.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1408818973 | 1408829463 | t3_2edtao | t5_2to41 | 20 | somesortofusername: TIFU by letting loose the poop cannon.
Last night, I woke up around 4 AM because my butthole was hurting. It was hurting bad. Really bad. It was the most butt-piercing pain I have ever experienced. I figured there must be a really big, really hard piece of shit stuck in there and it wants to get out really bad, so I sit on the toilet for the most excruciating 30 minutes of my life. It was like an abs workout right there. But nothing comes out and my ass is still hurting.
I decide to drink some warm water to help the poop out. I run downstairs, put water in a glass, put the glass in the microwave, and set it to warm for thirty seconds. Right then, the pain in my butt shoots up 140%. So I wait the couple of seconds left for my water, and then pull it out and drink it all. I didn't do a temperature check, so it burns me on the way down, and I drop the glass and run upstairs again. At this point the pain has fried the neurons in my brain so I don't realize that there's a bathroom downstairs, of course.
Once I get to the toilet, nothing happens. It hurts, but nothing comes out. At this point, I get frustrated as fuck. I go to bed in protest. I don't give a shit anymore. When I'm in bed, the pain goes away. So I relax a bit. I fall asleep. Around 15 minutes later I wake up and realize that there's a shitstorm coming from my butt. At this point though, I can't possibly care less and am too tired to go to the toilet. I say, "must be a false alarm" and continue sleeping. And then the poop flies and fills my underwear. And I just lay there until the morning, because I can't believe that my butt had been screwing with me the entire time.
TL;DR I am my butt's bitch.
qqpls: never, ever defy your waste dispenser's will
somesortofusername: I wish I had known...
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1408817937 | 1408882669 | t3_2edrpj | t5_2to41 | 386 | bigdallaire: TIFU by sending my dad a bent-over nude
First things first: this wasn't me fucking up, this was one of my friends who is a girl- so hopefully this story can stay on this subreddit. She gave me permission to post it. She doesn't go on Reddit and I just started to, and after browsing a bunch of these hilarious fuck-up stories I found that this story was suitable for this.
The story:
Not too long ago my friend (who will remain nameless) was going with her boyfriend to a Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game. She had got all prepared for her date with a brand-new hair cut. Her parents wanted to see a picture of her new haircut and so she took a selfie. She sent the picture to her parents- specifically her dad's phone.
On route to the hockey game, her mom called her to inform her that she had sent her father a picture of her "bent-over bare ass". In disbelief she hung up on her mom and frantically checked her Blackberry for what picture she had sent her dad in her messages. The picture code on BBM (Blackberrys have this photo code associated with each image) was the same picture code as the selfie she just took. Her Blackberry had somehow sent the wrong photo to her dad- a photo she had originally sent her boyfriend as a nude he could beat off to.
This should be "Today Blackberry Fucked Up", but unfortunately there is no such subreddit. She called Blackberry customer support later that night and I could hear the rep trying to hold back laughter on the phone as she angrily explained the situation to him as vaguely as possible.
She has never brought up this situation with her dad in person, and when I MC her wedding down the road I will for sure bring this story up.
eesamanomercy: Pics? If you let me analyze it, I can try to verify if Blackberry would take your complain seriously.
bdawgsupreme: for science
[deleted]: No. For customer service.
EpicRaptor: Yes, service.
[deleted]: I'll service her any day.
nomogoodnames: You're like the kid in the group of teenagers who gets caught smoking. Even though everyone else is doing it, you are the only one downvoted.
Now, Todd, have you learned a lesson about being a horny hound on the internet? Yes, yes, I know all tthe boys are doing it, but that doesn't make them right.
[deleted]: Story of my life.
| 8 | 48.25 | |
1408820003 | 1408862803 | t3_2eduuv | t5_2to41 | 6 | JarryHonson: TIFU by telling my dad I hate him
I got angry at my dad for grounding me for the third time this month, and i just blurted it out. Now I feel bad. Any advice reddit?
Thank you reddit
rxcowboy: Blow him. Nothing says I'm sorry like a nice BJ.
silentthesneak: "See and that's why your sister doesn't get into anymore trouble."
rxcowboy: And why she always gets to borrow the car.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408820437 | 1408824300 | t3_2edvhg | t5_2to41 | 8 | violettheory: TIFU by not eating dinner
Like most TIFUs this didn't happen today, but happened about a year ago.
I had just gotten my first real job that didn't entail working for a relative, and was insanely excited for it. The job was at a frozen yogurt shop, which seemed like a nice, cushy, slow paced and sweet environment. (I was totally wrong but that's beside the point) And I was supposed to start the next day.
This happened the Saturday before Father's day, and such my whole family goes to spend the weekend at my grandfather's house 3 hours away. I have to stay behind because I am supposed to work that Sunday, so I settle in, turn on the tv, and preheat the oven for pizza for dinner.
Not 3 minutes later I get a call from my new boss asking me to come in right away, because they are slammed, and needs me there to pick up the dishwashing and sweeping. Eager to make a good impression, I agree, get ready, turn off the oven, and leave.
On the drive there I let my mom know I was working ahead of time, and told her I would talk to her around midnight, when the shift ended.
Now, here is where I should intervene, and say that I have this weird condition, called vasovagal syncope, which means that I faint pretty easily, most commonly when I have low blood sugar, and when I'm exercising or it's hot.
I'm sure you know where this is going.
So I get there, the shift leader is really nice, and even though the place is busy, still shows me the ropes. When she is going over how the yogurt machines work, I start to feel a little queasy, and my head starts to throb. I ignore it because, despite my lack of dinner, it was pleasantly cool in the store and I was only standing around.
Still, I ask her when an appropriate time to take a dinner break would be, and she says I can after I help her fill the machines. 3 cartons into it, my legs start to feel tingly.
And oh shit, I realize I've got maybe 45 seconds before I pass out. I stop what I'm doing, go to the sink and get a drink of water. It helps a bit, but I need to sit down.
In retrospect, I should have sat on the floor. But, not wanting to look any weirder than I already have, I aim for the nearest spare chair we kept in the back, and went for it.
...
I wake up on the floor, with the shift leader on the phone, freaking out at the manager. The only words I could make out were "ambulance" and "OH MY GOD". Realizing she wants to call me an ambulance, I kind of rasp that I'm fine, and that it happens often. To prove my point I sit up.
And that's when a stream of blood runs down into my eye.
Turns out, on my way to the chair I pass out mid stride and land face first onto the sharp metal corner of the mop sink, and get a 2 inch gash on my eyebrow.
After realizing that, I relent and say, yeah, I probably need an ambulance. The EMTs get there pretty quickly, ask me questions about pain (which didn't set in until the ride to the hospital, when it started to feel like someone had stomped on my head), get me in a neck brace and roll me out.
The worst part is the manager shows up to make sure everything's okay (and probably that I won't sue), and I can't stop crying from embarrassment. The second worst part is all the small children who had to see a bloody girl being wheeled out from the back of their favorite yogurt place. The third worst part is one of the girls from my high school was interning at the hospital, and gave me my cat scan.
The fourth worst part is it took me two hours to get ahold of my parents to take me home, and I stayed at the hospital until 2 in the morning.
TL;DR First (unexpected) shift at new job, no time for dinner. Pass out, face plant onto sharp mop sink, 2 inch gash in eyebrow. 13 stitches. Story told to every new employee for a year.
Eat your fucking dinner people.
frozenanuran: What happened to the oven? was it left preheated?
violettheory: I turned it off before it left, thank god.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408822057 | 1409158556 | t3_2edxyr | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by lighting a firework in my friend's house
Last year on Black Friday, a bunch of my friends and I went out shopping. But hours before we left, I had the bright idea of purchasing some small fireworks. These were the small black spheres, called Crackling Balls. You light the wick and they pop a bunch of times and spark and that kind of stuff.
So we went out shopping and three of us went back to Craig's (one of my friends) house. Keep in mind it's about three in the morning at this point. So I have a lighter and I'm making the flame and seeing how close I can get it to the wick. Well unfortunely it lights the wick. I have about five seconds to do something before it goes off. I start squeezing the lit wick but it keeps burning. I sprint to Craig's front door and as I'm opening it, the crackling ball starts going off. It burns my hand and the floor and a rug. My friends come running in and Craig is pissed, and both of his parents woke up. His dad just looks at me with a disappointed look and his mom was asking what kind of firework it was. I felt like a pile of shit. Sometimes we still talk about this but I just want to forget about it.
buttorfinger: Your story is bad and you should feel bad.
Punkalone: This story is great
| 3 | 1 | |
1408824676 | 1408897322 | t3_2ee1wm | t5_2to41 | 53 | WHOOPSYDAISY8--D: TIFU by sending my mom a picture of a penis.
So I had meant to send her a screen shot of some financial aid information.But instead of sending the picture I just pasted [the last link I had copied](http://imgur.com/jPKEKFa) on my phone. I had it copied from a reddit thread that I was reading in public a few days ago and had planned to look at it later b/c it was marked NSFW. She hasn't had a chance to look at it yet but I'm not looking forward to when she does. I have no idea how I'm going to explain it.
CrazyKiwiCake: That is a huge penis .-.
GarrioValere: Is it?
Cynthia_Is_Bored: Uh huh .-.
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1408821841 | 1408839303 | t3_2edxnr | t5_2to41 | 8 | tehmoley: TIFU by exploding buffet dressing
I decided going to a buffet would be a good idea, because my scumbag pregnant-lady taste buds keep convincing me I want something and then the second I taste it I want to puke. So a buffet makes sense, I can taste a bunch of stuff and go with the least puke worthy selection.
I fucked up within two minutes of arriving at the restaurant. After loading a plate of salad I attempted to use the rather large squeeze bottle of Italian dressing. Nothing happened, so I shook it a bit and squeezed harder. Either I have the hands of a monster or the lid was not properly attached.
Lid pops off, approximately thirty ounces of Italian dressing explodes out of the bottle then drenches the plate, the counter, the lettuce bin, the floor, my shirt and my flip flops. Bonus - I had an open wound on my toe from smacking it on a sharp rock a couple hours earlier.
Store manager was standing right there and jokingly asks why I would so something like that as I fumble helplessly with the oily bottle, trying to irrationally reattach the lid even though it was empty. My deadpan response was, "passive aggression", which surprised myself and I giggle snorted like an idiot.
At least I did not cry, it's a fifty fifty that something ridiculous will reduce you to tears when your hormones have taken control.
SHUMAGORATH7: Bonus points if u finished eating
tehmoley: I did indeed. Even dessert. And it turns out Italian dressing makes your hands pretty soft, another bonus.
SHUMAGORATH7: I'm so proud
| 4 | 2 | |
1408825743 | 1408842987 | t3_2ee3ht | t5_2to41 | 2 | DontActDrunk: TIFU By smoking a real cigar
So I've smoke a couple of swisser sweats before with friends and I enjoyed myself. Today I decided to buy some plantinums and tryout a real cigar. Mistake here I burned that thing like a normal swisser about halfway through I became light headed. I figure ok lets take a seat keep smoking no biggie. I wasn't even inhaling I'm not that stupid but I still kept at it. I drop the cigar walk off to the side my mouth is watering like crazy. Now I understood why Pinocchio was green in the movie. I stumble into this public bathroom splash water on my face I look so fucking pale. Shit I'm thinking I need a different taste in my mouth. Anxious I make a bee line towards this soda machine. Before I can make it I puke not once or twice but four fucking times. Never again I still feel like fucking shit wow I fucked up.
coppawallap3: dude, I enjoy real, quality cigars and I doubt i'm tougher than you. Maybe try go to a Cigar Subreddit or something.
HoldenANade: /r/cigars
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408828494 | 1408829614 | t3_2ee7l8 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending nudes to my female friend whose dog just died.
(M) I was taking some naked pics of myself for an internet hook-up buddy on Snapchat. Their snapchat usernames are fairly similar, so I quickly tapped her name and hit 'send', realizing moments later that I had sent it to my best female friend, who put down her dog two hours ago.
I feel horrible.
UPDATE: Friend was totally understanding and deleted the snap. Things turned out *much* better than expected, folks.
knowsomeofit: I'd say an abject apology is in order, OP.
kajguy: Well, she hasn't opened it yet, and I sent her multiple text messages and a voicemail apologizing for it and telling her not to view it, so hopefully she'll see those before she sees the snapchat notification :/
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1408828806 | 1415133320 | t3_2ee82d | t5_2to41 | 10 | AShadowOfDoubt: TIFU by lint-rolling my dick
I just got back to college, and I'm planning on having a girl over tonight; I figured I'd be a gentleman and do some manscaping. I hop in the shower, get the necessary materials, and do what I had to do.
As I'm stepping out, however, I notice a bunch of freshly-shaven hairs all over my penis. I try to use the shower to wash them off, but they're being stubborn. Being a dumbass, I decide a lint roller would be an effective tool in this situation.
The balls and the shaft were totally fine to do this to, but holy hell did the head hurt. The skin is just so soft and sensitive. It took a full five minutes of excruciating pain to slowly peel it off.
**TL;DR: I lint-rolled my dick in an effort to clean up after some manscaping. It hurt.**
demhandz81: Did you at least lick the lint roller to see how it tasted?
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408829766 | 1408839199 | t3_2ee9f6 | t5_2to41 | 120 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my family, friends, girlfriend and work colleagues think I'm a homosexual into mature transvestites. NSFW.
I'm a photographer, I keep an ad on Craigslist for freelance work and I get inundated by gay men asking for free porn shots in exchange for blowjobs. I turn them down politely because I'm not gay and have a lovely gf.
Last week a transvestite got in touch, said he was late 20s, wanted to pay me with real money, keep it all professional and non sexual. I was a bit 50/50 about doing it, and to convince me he sent me about 10 pics. 10 horrifying pictures of a 50+ man with his big hairy dick hanging out of tight girls knickers and poorly applied lipstick over his 5 o'clock shadow. I just ignored his messages and got on with my life.
What I didn't realize though is that whatsapp automatically saves pictures. Today my phone switched on in my pocket and sent, along with a lot of gibberish, making it impossible for me to use the excuse that it was a prank and not just switched on in my pocket, I sent this mans big sweaty cock to 4 people: My mother, my girlfriend, a girl from work who I don't know very well and only whatsapp at work (it's a big building so we need contact), and my driving instructor.
I just sent them all screenshots of the convo and explained it was a creep who wanted me to photograph his dick and I refused but still... I see that cock every time I shut my eyes.
They have all been online in the last half hour. Painfully waiting for replies...
buttzest: "I see that cock everytime I shut my eyes" Maybe you were looking for too long ;)
catchydude: My mind is telling me nooo.....
buttzest: But my bodyyyyyy, my bodiiiieees telling me yeeeesss!
staticstarshine: And my mother... Ma moootheeeer... Is looking at transvestiiiiite diiicks.
buttzest: You act like shes not 'enjoying' the pictures.
;)
staticstarshine: Shit you just made me realize, they'll be saved on her whatsapp picture folder too, she won't know how to delete it! And she shows people pictures of her dog on her phone all the time, I better sort that out for her. Didn't just send it once either, the same pic sent about 7 times, she's going to have big rows of dicks.
buttzest: Dude, the fuck ups never end haha!
| 8 | 15 | |
1408830033 | 1408868012 | t3_2ee9tz | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: Tifu lighting a cigarette
This like most posts didn't happen today but happened yesterday.
I wanted to go outside for a cigarette however i didn't have a lighter as i left them at my friends house, who was currently at work.
I decided to use the gas stove,which was when it went wrong. I had previously done this earlier today with no trouble, but i ended up putting my head to far over and feeling burning on my forehead/eyes i didn't think anything of this until i smelt burning hair. I quickly ran to the mirror and noticed i had singed and burnt my eyebrows and lashes. I wanted to cry,my SO found it hilarious though.
I am now a male mona Lisa.
RyanSH12: Use a toothpick in the future, get the toothpick lit and then light your smoke, or a toaster, toaster works well and much safer.
[deleted]: I will bear that in mind!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408827271 | 1408832558 | t3_2ee5r9 | t5_2to41 | 10 | midnightmunchees: TIFU by trying to make MacNCheese at work
So I'm heavily pregnant (third trimester, huge and unreasonably hungry), and I have a stash of food at work so I can save money and not have to leave in this nasty ass Florida heat to go buy food.
I work in a car dealership, doing business development and marketing, so I'm at my desk all day and I have the freedom to eat basically all day. Perfect. So I reup my stash of goodies today during my break with Lean Cuisines, mac n cheese cups, etc.. and I decide it's time for Mac N Cheese! Yay!
I pop it in, 3 minutes keyed in the microwave and I wait impatiently, decide to make a customer phone call to kill time. As the voicemail is coming on, I realize I DID NOT PUT WATER IN, and I leave a voicemail on my customer's phone screaming and getting made fun of by my coworkers as they're clearing out the smoke, where they call me Ms Burn-A-Lot and a bunch of other dumb shit. My boss even took a picture of the melted cup and sent it to HIS boss at another store with "We learned today (my name) is not a very good cook"... I tried to laugh it off but I'm super fucking embarassed and I'm still hungry and I'm here another hour :(
TLDR: Almost burned down a car dealership and am getting made fun of.
demhandz81: Just eat the baby instead
TheGentleman007: hell ya problem solved
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408832624 | 1408886084 | t3_2eedfg | t5_2to41 | 5,524 | AThrowawayAsshole: TIFU by having morning sex with my wife
TIFU by having sex with my wife. This morning I wake up and realize that the kids are sleeping in today. So I wake my wife up and we begin having morning sexy time out in the living room. As we are going at it like teenagers (moaning, loud exclamations of passion, the not so quiet slaps of bodies colliding) the eldest child wakes up, listens to the racket out in the living room and calls 911, telling the operator that "Daddy is hitting Mommy". Cue the two police cars screeching to a halt in front of our home. My wife and I, being in the middle of great sex, have no idea that the police are here until they begin beating on the front door screaming "Police, open the door". So my wife and I hurriedly throw on whatever clothes are near us and open the door to four police officers asking me to "step outside". I ask what is going on, and they repeat the request while another officer walks into my house declaring that he is performing a "safety check". Completely bewildered with all of this, I demand to know what is going on. The officer finally tells me that they received a call from a child reporting a domestic abuse incident between my wife and I. As soon as he said that, my wife and I turn several shades of red while we explain to the officers that the "domestic abuse" was my wife and I having 'marital relations'. They immediately understand what happened, and with huge grins suggest that we take the kids' phone away if we are going to make a habit of this.
demhandz81: As we are going at it like teenagers (moaning, loud exclamations of passion, the not so quiet slaps of bodies colliding) the eldest child wakes up.
He opens our door slowly and pinches his nose with his fingers as the smell of sex stings his nostrils. We hear the door open and immediately look to see who it was. "*Daddy*" our child says as he walks in closer to our bed. "*Why are you hurting mommy?*" "*He's not*" she says. "*In fact, he's helping Mommy*." "*But how?*" says the child. "*Let us show you*" I say.
At this point my penis is flaccid but thats all according to plan. My wife grabs the duct tape while I tuck my penis in between my legs, resembling a ken doll from the front and Squidwards eyes and nose from behind. She duct tapes my dick to my ass and lays on her side with her legs open. I know exactly what to do.
I tuck myself into a little ball and tell my son to grab lube off the nightstand. He pours it all over me and I begin my slow decent into her vagina. My entire body slowly becoming one with hers. "*Help push me in son*" I say and he climbs onto the bed and begins pushing me with all his might into his mothers chasm.
"*Daddy, wh-wh why are you doing this to Mommy??*" "*You know exactly why son. I'm doing it, for the Vine.*"
grumpygooch: Wtf vargas.
_vargas_: What did I do?
WhackTheSquirbos: Oh, hey Vargas! Where have you been?
_vargas_: I've been dabbling in performance art. What I do is I drive around in my minivan and scream at people on the sidewalk. Then, I smoke pot with my friend, Steve. The smoking pot isn't part of my art, I just really enjoy it.
WhackTheSquirbos: Sounds.. Interesting? Well, as long as you're having fun and not doing anything (*that*) illegal :P
_vargas_: I'll be fine. Since I'm only fifteen, nothing that bad will happen to me if I get arrested.
alldawgsgotoheaven: hi vargas pls hi
_vargas_: Hi! You still over at Little Six?
alldawgsgotoheaven: The casino?! No. What do you know about a lite six hehehe. MN native?
_vargas_: Didn't you use to work there? You're the dude that used to smoke in the parking lot with that hot bartender, Misty. She gave like, eight dudes chlamydia.
alldawgsgotoheaven: They called her Misty cause she was always moist... Diseased, but moist.
_vargas_: I knew you worked there! What a small world! We probably drove the same roads, ate at the same places, sat on the same toilets, even fingered the same skanks. This is just amazing.
[deleted]: I don't know what just happened but I literally love you.
| 15 | 368.266667 | |
1408833319 | 1408835043 | t3_2eeef2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Djxile: TIFU By bending a customers rim
TIFU by trying to be gentle with a customers rims. I am a mechanic working for a dealership in Arizona. A customer brought in their new mustang to have new rims put on. Well they stated to be very careful with the old and new rims as he wanted to sell the old ones. Well we have this machine that you put the rim onto and the arms expand to hold the rims in place. well usually the machine puts score marks in the rims where you clamp it down, so to be nice i put rags on the part that expands as to be gentle, take my time and not leave any marks what so ever. Well, on my second rim I was taking off as I used the pry bar to pull the top part of the tire off, the rim slipped off the arms clamping it down and it flung probably about 80mph(guess) into the bead press of the machine bending the rim and taking a huge chunk out of it. I got lucky though, as my arm almost got wedged between it also. So now, we owe the guy a new rim. and I messed up by trying to take extra care of the rims and almost losing my arm in the process. Sorry I didn't get any pictures. I was in such a daze that I couldn't even think to. it took 4 of us an hour to get the wedged tire and rim from the machine as it was stuck.
Here is what the machine looks like for anyone wondering.
[http://www.hunter.com/photo/images/tirechanger/tcx535_lg.jpg](http://www.hunter.com/photo/images/tirechanger/tcx535_lg.jpg)
barryk013: Um did you mean to put a link in at the end?
Djxile: Yeah let me fix that
| 3 | 2 |
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