start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1408830125 | 1408859426 | t3_2ee9yt | t5_2to41 | 4 | amretardcanconfirm: TIFU by relying on SlickDeals to do my laptop shopping for me
I don't know what to look for when considering laptops and I don't know what's a good price for any particular model. I wanted to score in on an awesome deal this time around so I have been relying on SlickDeals for over a year long laptop hunt.
A refurb Asus hit the frontpage recently and I put my faith into those wallet frenzied blokes, thinking they know best when it comes to a bang for your buck. I purchased it on a whim.
It's already defective a few days in. BSODs, blank screen on start up, etc. It's basically unusable. A google search with my issues reveals that this product line has a history of defects! I didn't read carefully into the return policy when I bought this shit, and it turns out you can only exchange it. Or I could probably ship it in for repair, but of course I'll have to fucking pay to mail it halfway across the country.
I JUST WANT SOMETHING CHEAP THAT WON'T CRAP OUT ON ME DAY ONE. And I bought a $250 brick.
This is also why I fucking hate buying stuff online.
spiezer: Hey man, the best part of Slickdeals is not the front page. You need to check out the [forums](http://slickdeals.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=9) for the meat of the information. Some of the discussions are quite valuable and might've informed you of the issues before your purchase. If they didn't, I guess I was wrong on this note.
clumsyalex: Yeah slickdeals is great, just make sure you read the comments/forum posts on each deal.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408834925 | 1415133272 | t3_2eegnd | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting a bottle in my pants.
Note: This happened when I was in 4th grade and is not recent, I have never put a bottle in my pants ever since.
So in 4th grade, I had a buddy named, let's say Miles, and we sat across from each other at 3 tables combined. There were two classmates of mine that were both girls named Ashley and Jackie. Me and Miles were pretty much best friends. From what I remember we always played around and messed with them, being reckless boys at the time. I forget what led up to this point. Miles takes the water bottle belonging to Ashley and sticks it into his pants. He then gives it back to her after her begging. I then did the same thing except with Jackie. Miles then stuck some pencils into his pants. We gave everything back and laughed it off as we went to recess. So the recess bell rings and we get in line to go back to class.
This is where everything went downwards. I saw my teacher talking to the Vice Principal and called me and Miles to go with him. At that point I pretty much shit my pants and got terribly nervous. The vice principal asked us if we knew what sexual harassment was and we said no, but I'm pretty sure we did. I ended up getting a referral and detention for a week, along with lectures from my Asian parents. I still see Ashley around school but don't talk to her but I know she still remembers. I can just see it in her voice. I'm not sure if it's still on my record since nobody has mentioned it in years.
I honestly think it was a good thing they told the teacher what we did because I probably wouldn't have learned my lesson. As a kid I'm pretty sure that I wasn't aware that it was sexual harassment or maybe because I was in the heat of the moment. This will definitely be a good story though when I'm old and have story time with my kids.
demhandz81: " This will definitely be a good story though when I'm old and have story time with my kids"
No it won't. It's not even a good story now.
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408835216 | 1415133275 | t3_2eeh24 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating shrooms for the first time
demhandz81: Alright
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 3 | 1 | |
1408835411 | 1409195028 | t3_2eehca | t5_2to41 | 66 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting jesus into my heart.
time to bust my reddit cherry.
This all took place one week ago in Minneapolis, Minnesota. To kick off this story you need to know a few things about me. I'm loud, with a dark sense of humor, and tend to take things way too far. My attributes will become more noticeable as you read, and I promise by the end of this story you will come to know me as a genuine piece of shit.
Sunday August 17th 2014 I found jesus...
I play a type of "game" with my friends when we drink, and I would highly recommend it. It's very simple, you know when you're drunk with all your buddies and you make a plan, but no one ever falls through. We'll we write down that plan, and if you bail on it you have to donate $100 to a jar, which we then use to buy booze... It's a self sustaining game. This game has led me to do some amazing things, I have been skydiving, drove to mexico(from MN), dropped acid, and many other very eventful memories have come from the game. But the game isn't just about fun, I've had to help people move(fucking hate that), sit in waiting rooms at the DMV, and even got a full body waxing. Since you're drunk when you propose your idea everything seems like fun, but when you sober up and have to keep your promise, its a feeling that can shake you to the bones. Being extremely poor I have only bailed once and dropped $100 in the morning to escape my fate. Which would have been to skip work the coming monday and go fishing, I would have lost my job...
Anyway on Saturday night we do our thing and try to drink all the alcohol in a 5 mile radius. While jumping from bar to bar feeding my stomach peanuts and my brain with booze, we got on the topic of religion. We started reminiscing about our time in church, and swapped funny stories about grandparents falling asleep, and babies running wild. Thats when the peanuts and booze made first contact in my brain, giving me a brilliant idea. "Lets all go to church tomorrow!" We all laugh and I grab a pen.
Out of the 5 of them I talk 4 into signing up. once you sign thats it, no changing your mind without taking out your wallet. At the time I remember being genuinely excited about this one.
Flash to morning, my alarm is going off and its 7 am. I have no idea how much sleep I got. I grab my phone and the alarm notice says "Church Time!". "fuck me" is the only thing that my last living brain cell was able to whisper. I shut off the alarm and open my banking app, because the is no way in hell I'm doing this. $54.09 holy shit I AM doing this.
I get 4 texts within the next 10 min. Some "lol" and one "have fun bitch im $100 less rich and could not careless" oh, how I envied him... The now 4 of us decided to meet at Starbucks, fuel up and catch an 8:30 service. My head was bubbly, but our lingering buzz from last night was keeping us at bay from the inevitable hangover. If done correctly hangover days can actually be really fun, given that you're also with someone els who is hungover. Since everyone is in the same state you can relate and make jokes about how much life sucks, I rather like it. When we enter the church were about 10 min early, and let me tell you, these people were lively. They were buzzing around us in what looked like a fast-forward scene from a 90's movie. I tried to be polite as possible, but my drunken face refused to follow my orders and instead of smiling would periodically twitch. We winded around people, found an open section, and took our seats.
Now, when your really hungover and walk around for a bit you start to feel a little better, but as soon as you sit down your body starts to examine its damages. We all shoot a look at each other and without words acknowledge we made a huge mistake. Then without introduction or warning the service starts. We stand up and join the congregation and sing our hearts out, fuck it were hear so lets do it. With each song I find new life, and our moods are quickly improved. I look around and notice something, these people are going absolutely insane, seriously... people are running up and down the isles, others are throwing there hands up like they are at a concert. I half expected to see a pair of panties fly across the stage. "This is awesome!" i yell to my friends over the roaring crowd thats now singing "YOU LIFT ME UP!" over and over. We laugh, throw up our hands and yell "YOU LIFT ME UP!". After the 3rd song the pastor steps out. He's about 250lbs, 5'10 and enough pep in his step to bring bring to life a dying baby. He was literally three camp counselors rolled into one man. With a jarring and demanding voice he yells to his fans and they scream back their scripted response "PEACE BE UPON YOU" he'd say "AND ALSO WITH YOU" they scream. He wasn't even on stage for a min when his eyes spotted us, "New comers!" he said. I felt a thousand eyes examine me. He cheerfully floated towards us, the church was silent. the boards creaked with his steps, the mic let out a howl and when he was only a foot away from us he says "Welcome!" and shakes our hands. He was positively delightful, also sorta creepy, but delightful nun the less. Around us people beam with positivity and expectance, they love us! As we are shaking hands and smiling I am filled with joy, looking around at the approving people who all seem like they drank the punch. The room was on fire with good vibes. He lifts the mic to his lips and and says "have you excepted jesus christ into your heart?" good vibes gone... his tone was a little more serious and the peoples faces around us lost some of their light. he put the mic to my friend and he yells "YES!" the pastor smiles with approval. and the surrounding faces regain their color. now, I think he wouldn't have bothered to ask the rest of us the same question but my face was clearly saying to him "don't ask me, don't me, don't ask me" as soon as we make eye contact he says "where are you guys from?" and rockets the mic to my face, "no, i have not accepted jesus..." oooohhhh shit... My tiny booze soaked brain couldn't comprehend that a different question had been asked. my friends erupt with laughter and soon the whole church is laughing, but me and the pastor are still eye to eye. He's smiling, unable to keep up with the changing circumstances my face is still stuck in the "don't ask me, don't ask me, don't ask me" look. He puts the mic to his side and softly says "would you like to?" my friends shoot me a look that says "Dude... you have to.", Fuckers... I give him a small nod and he directs me to the stage, in the same manner a waiter would seat you. My mind was telling me this is wrong, but my morning buzz was still intimidating my conscious.
"Who els in here would like to except jesus today!" He glared at my friends, and so did I. They didn't budge... Three other random people come to the stage with us and he puts us in a line. He then lays his hand on my head and says "do you accept jesus christ as your lord and saviour and allow him into your heart?", I hesitantly reply "yes" his hand gave me a little push, and then he repeated the same process to each of the three people on stage. I stood there for a second lost in thought, I half expected to feel something in my soul expand when I muttered "yes". I felt nothing, not only that but I had just theoretically let a man who I don't really know into my body. I was, after this moment, forever going to have "jesus" in my heart... While I was lost in thought, with Im sure a very puzzled look, he turns us to the crowed and yells some more of their scripted back and forth lines. The choir started up and the church begins to sing again. "I LOVE JESUS YES I DO, I LOVE JESUS HOW ABOUT YOU!" the congregation swarms the four of us on the stage. music blaring, beaming smiles, pats on the back, hand shakes, and more love than anyone could handle. I was one of them now, I drank from the same cup and picked a team, at least in their eyes this was the case. When the song subsided everyone quickly returned to their seats. I walked back to my friends in a sort of confused haze of love and regret, like a public walk of shame. The rest of the service was great, and continued to be really upbeat. When it was over we were crowded with handshakes and small talk, took us nearly half an hour to retreat through the crowed. Once in the outside we had a good laugh and agreed it was an overall successes.
For the past few days I have been thinking a lot about what happened, and what a strange event it was. I don't know how to take care of the new man in my heart, I never received instructions and the bible is way to big I'm never going to read that thing. I don't plan on ever returning to church and wonder if the man inside me will argue with that choice.
TL;DR I was hungover, and a man was given access to my insides.
**note** me no kare bout spelling and grammar...
avgguy33: You said how Great it made you feel , even though Hung Over ! What's the problem ? Obviously Jesus is Great , and you need his Love , so don't fight it , and I'll see you in Heaven . Watch "Heaven is for Real " , and "God is Not Dead " . It will open your Heart !
TheSpYro: So many capital letters.
avgguy33: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
TheSpYro: Thank you. I will guard these with my life.
| 5 | 13.2 | |
1408830927 | 1408836529 | t3_2eeb1y | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU because I love Dragonball Z
Okay so,
This actually happened several months ago, just thought I should say that...anyway...
I was, at work, chilling at my desk...since you know I get paid to chill. I got bored and decided I wanted to walk and stare at people's computers to look at their backgrounds. I noticed everyone had a background that wasn't standard such as:
1. Lady with blonde mustache - Her grandchildren whom also have mustaches. Mustaches on children are not funny!
2. Fat bitch that can't say good morning - A picture of black and milds. Hm very interesting since we worked at a health insurance company.
3. My aunt - Hot rods with skanky hoes on it? HM NOT VERY WORK FRIENDLY!!!!!!
These are just a few of them I can't remember all of them since, like I said, it was a couple of months ago and my mind is shit. So, I decided to go back to my desk and start looking for a new wallpaper on company time. I wanted something that could start a conversation as people walked by my cubicle since my only friend at my job was my freaking cousin. Lame, I know.
So the search began!
I had just discovered Dragonzball PeePee ( I know I'm late)...and decided that was going to be my wallpaper. I went through several images and decided on this one:
http://imgur.com/IDcWPaZ
Because I'm fun.
Later, I needed to go to the bathroom since taking a piss right there isn't exactly ideal..so I locked my computer. When I locked my computer, I smiled, I was proud of my wallpaper choice. It was my biggest accomplishment after high school. BE PROUD OF ME. Then, I went to the bathroom obviously.
After I came back, I noticed my cuntbucket boss standing in my cubicle. She turned her big fat ass head and asked me "Um, DbzisKuhool, WHY is this on your computer?" I said "It's a nice conversation starter right?" she didn't agree and demanded I change the wallpaper or go back to the old default one.
After she left, I began scouring the internet for another...by scouring I mean opening up the same DBZ tab and choosing a different picture..it was this one:
http://imgur.com/mUrqttL
Okay I'm getting tired of writing this story and I'm sure it's obvious.
She came back and decided she didn't like it and yeah I got fired.
$16/HR high school diploma good benefits and no bills womp womp wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
tl;dr Good choice!
Put up awesome wallpaper, boss didn't like it, changed it again and got fired because she can't handle my coolness. Oh yeah and now I have no money and still no bills yay.
demhandz81: You're gonna go far in life
[deleted]: Why thank you
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1408835697 | 1408870762 | t3_2eehqf | t5_2to41 | 14 | Winepolish: TIFU by asking for a divorce?
I don't know where else to turn...
I have been married for nearly 6 years to a man who is becoming a stranger. Today I lost it. I started screaming and shouting and did not recognize myself. I need to know if I am the crazy one.
It all started a little over a year ago with the birth of our daughter. My normally doting husband became a very doting father. But I may as well as fallen off the face of the Earth. Don't get me wrong- I love my husband very very much but I don't get anything back in return. I left a good paying job with a very good lifestyle and moved across the country to be nearer to our families (his request). I found an even better paying job (I make more than double his salary) however he wanted to live in a certain city so now my commute is more than an hour one way. Because I live so far from my on call hospital I have to stay in that town for 24 hours at a time every third night (at a hotel). He wanted a certain house we looked at? I bought it as my credit score was higher- not my dream house. His. I try to keep myself up and take care of myself so I look attractive. He complains about all the money I spend or if I want to take an exercise class he bitches- 'why did we install a home gym if you're just going to go spend money on classes?!' I crave socializing and he is more than happy to stay at home and do nothing.
Our little girl has a condition that involves a malformation of her ureters and how they connect to her bladder. It backs the urine up into her kidneys and she gets raging fevers and bladder infections. He has not taken her to the doctor for this once. I have taken her 12 times. This does not include the 5 day hospital stay I did with her when she was three months old- he went home, worked out, went to work. But he did bring us Chipotle! Yay! Right?!
Anyways... Every day when I come home there are dirty dishes left on the counters, in the family room, in the sink, in the baby's room, etc. After coming home from working 24 hours I pick up all the dishes in the house and wash them or put them in the dishwasher, I make the bed I didn't sleep in, I walk the dog, and I pick weeds. I then wake and dress the baby and feed and bathe her. I never get a thank you even though I keep asking him to do these things before I get home and have to.
I lost it today. I got home- did all the things mentioned above and a load of laundry. My husband went running for three hours. When he got back he wanted to take the baby to lunch with his brother and their kids. I wasn't even invited. I pick her up to put her hair in pigtails and she is burning up- sick again. I told him this and he explained that his brother was waiting for him and left to eat pizza. He came home a few hours later and our now medicated child seemed a bit better- until now. She just spiked another fever and puked all over me and the kitchen. I needed to administer rectal meds and kept calling for my husband to help us as I am now covered in vomit and trying I hold down a screaming child to give her medicine. He claimed he just remembered something he had to do and would help in a minute. I couldn't wait so I did it all myself and as I passed by the office where he was on the computer I see him PAYING HIS FANTASY FOOTBALL DUES while I hold our sick child covered in vomit and my hand in feces with her temp of 103.
I screamed that I hated him and I want a divorce. But do I really? I don't recognize myself any more and feel so lost, lonely, and alone. Sorry if you're still reading but thank you. I'm locked in my bathroom crying as I type this on my phone now.
Btw: we have a nanny for the days that I work and am away from home. He hates paying her overtime so that I can have time to do things. I arrange babysitters for him to have 'bro time' while I am working. I take care of all of the car maintainence for both of our vehicles. I take care of the dry-cleaning, the groceries, and the household errands. I arrange for lawn care and landscaping. All I hear is criticism about how much we pay and can't i do more. Oh, and he wants another child. ASAP.
And I just took a bath. Walked back into the room to find my sick child eating Kleenex while my husband was watching football and drinking beer. He hadn't even noticed. When I asked if he cared he said, "meh"
Rudas_Iskariot: I would love to here his side. He probably thinks you are being spoiled and asking a lot of him.
What we have here is failure to communicate. Next time I suggest being more vocal about the fact you are making a sacrifice or are unhappy.
Also every man needs bro time. Be happy he is taking the kid with him when he does it.
Winepolish: You seem to think that me working 70 hours a week and caring for the child while he works 40 and does absolutely no work around the home as me being 'spoiled'? You, sir, may be an idiot. Have you had your IQ tested recently or suffered a traumatic brain injury?
Rudas_Iskariot: Well you are the one who chose her career over her family by working hours away from her home and at a job that requires her to spend every 3rd night away from home. I'mgoing to assume that when you aren't home he is taking care of the child, cause if he isn't dump his sorry ass. He also needs a break from the kid and his only chance is when you are home.
As for the cleanliness factor, how big of a slob was he before you got married? Cause what you might see as excessively dirty place, he might see as a normal level.
Also thanks for personally attacking me for telling you that there are two sides to this story and you need step back and try to see it through his eyes.
You both sound very immature and I feel sorry for your daughter as she is the one who is going to suffer.
meebles94: You sound like the biggest fucking idiot, spouting your "barefoot and pregnant" beliefs to civilized people. Go back to whatever hole you crawled out of and don't bother anybody with your idiocy.
Rudas_Iskariot: I never said anything of the sort. I merely asked her to try and see how he sees the relationship.
meebles94: "You chose your career over your family"... I'm pretty sure you've never had kids, because frankly I don't think anyone would ever fuck you, but if you did, you'd know that parents need a rounded life to stay sane and fulfilled, yes it sounds cute to have fairytale parents that stay home and are there fore their child's every whim, but that's not realistic. Try and make someone 100% invested in their child, mentally and physically, 24/7, and they'll end up either just walking the fuck out at some point in the child's life or having a complete mental breakdown and fucking the child over completely.
Rudas_Iskariot: And I bet that is how the shitty husband feels. Please read my post before you get all outraged.
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1408839328 | 1408841162 | t3_2eempf | t5_2to41 | 8 | TIFUandPooped: TIFU by mixing preworkout with liquor
This happened last night.
My best friend was driving two hours to come down for a night of indulgence. We began drinking around nine o'clock, starting out with some fireball. We finished the pint fairly quickly, and began downing some Jager that someone had left at my house. Finishing that off we grabbed the quart of fireball from my fridge. This is where I began fucking up. We took the quart outside and decided to try to climb some trees. My friend is nimbler than I am, and he decides to climb the big red oak in the front of our yard. I know I can't climb the trunk, so I grab a chair and grab onto the lowest branch and begin swinging towards the trunk. I weigh 200 lbs. The branch didn't support 200 lbs. I fall down, gravity making me into it's bitch. My ribs still hurt today.
After this incident I felt a little woozy and tired. We go inside to relax for a bit but decide we needed a pick-me-up. Lo and behold my preworkout was sitting on the table. I picture this as a scene from Blue Mountain State where the camera zooms in on the preworkout, back to our faces, and a fucked up montage happens from here on out. We do some preworkout-fireball shots. From this point I remember nothing.
I woke up the next morning naked on my couch with my girlfriend yelling at me that I shit myself. I am COVERED in feces. All I could do was say "I shit myself" over and over again. It was on my legs, my back, my chest, my arms. This has never happened to me before, and I don't plan on letting it happen again.
TL;DR: TIFU by mixing preworkout with liquor, shitting all over myself, and having my girlfriend find me in the morning. Still haven't decided what to do with the couch. Open to suggestions.
partylikeSazzy: That is definitely a horrible story... and I thought I got drunk last night.
Def should toss the couch.
TIFUandPooped: It's in the backyard at the moment, the only person I know with a truck is my grandfather and it's going to be awful to try to explain the shit stains to him.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408838734 | 1408938456 | t3_2eelwu | t5_2to41 | 18 | babykittennoodle: TIFU by basically sexting my mom
A little back story first.I am visiting my home town right now getting ready to visit an old friend with benefits. I'm staying at my mom's house and she just knows I am visiting a friend tonight. I'm also borrowing my brother's car as he is on vacation. So this is what I texted my mom on accident meant for my friend.
We can go to my brothers place and fuck. Then go back to your place and get sushi and watch TV.
I died a little bit inside when she texted me back and said Hello?
I'm pretending like it never happenned. We have never spoken about sex in my 37 years and I don't plan on it now. I just hope she doesn't tell my brother I banged a dude at his house.
[deleted]: at 37 you'd think she knows you have sex from time to time.. (or can guess)
Daniel-H: Yeah, but if they've never talked about it I would imagine it would be...awkward.
[deleted]: If they've never talked about it, I think they have bigger problems.
Daniel-H: True, true.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1408839888 | 1408869712 | t3_2eenfp | t5_2to41 | 107 | Jezio: TIFU by getting too high on the first day back at Uni. [xpost /r/trees]
>be me
>haven't smoked in 2 weeks
>tolerance be low
>smoke a joint and two bowls of purp out of a kick ass bong
>become high
>become higher
>become too high
>think, "shower, yes.."
>walk out door
>door locks itself behind me
>think, "we fuck bro"
>scream, "FUCK"
>suitemate thinks "confirmed tourettes in here"
>lulz were still had
>run halfway across campus to helpdesk for replacement key, barefooted
>404 no fucks found
>guys behind me taking pictures of my bare ass feet. My Feeling level is 99.
>ran back
>sweaty as fuck
>decide, "shower, yes.. "
>exit room with only a clean pair of boxers and a towel
>forget keys and id in wallet which is on desk
>door locks behind me
>no
>[my fucking face when](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc)
beiherhund: Someone took pictures of you because you were in barefeet? Come to NZ, bro. We go to the supermarket in barefeet.
patrickhughes96: This man speaks the truth, though it does lead to hobbit feet.
beiherhund: Haha hobbit feet have never let me down, people are impressed when you can walk across volcanic rock without wincing.
| 4 | 26.75 | |
1408841745 | 1408842038 | t3_2eepre | t5_2to41 | 5 | kramtastic: TIFU by leaving my door unlocked.
Today I fucked up Reddit. I have just gotten back to college, and it's about a week before classes started. I recently moved into a new apartment complex, and the rules are pretty lax. One thing notable about this apartment complex is that it is **brand new** and is quite expensive to live in. There is also a lot of security, *therefore no one really locks their door.*
Anyways, a good buddy of mine moves in right next to me, and is always throwing down. So this one night, he is throwing a party. I disappear from my apartment and go hang out with him and proceed to get dark-brown drunk.
Anyways, 4-hours roll by and I decide it's time to crash. I proceed to walk-in to my apartment (which is unlocked) to find a butt-ass naked black guy sleeping on my couch. My roommate was with me at the time, and we both look at each other and just decided to go back to the party. We proceed to grab a lot of people to come help just in case he get's hostile.
We then proceed to dump glasses of water on him until he wakes up. He eventually comes to but he is still very shit-faced. Me, my buddy next door, and another friend proceed to attempt to get this kid home. We walk around with him (who's still butt-ass naked except for socks) through the entire apartment complex. Finally, we can't find where this fucker lives as he's waaay to shit faced, and proceed to let him sleep in my friends car. Next day, he was gone (car was still there though, thankfully).
Don't leave your door unlocked.
**TL;DR** Came back from a party hammered to find a random black guy naked on my couch.
mynicknameisbigmac: Was the car gone too?
kramtastic: NO, thankfully not. Updated OP to clarify.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408841962 | 1415133267 | t3_2eeq1e | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my wife to write what about her one night stand...here are some quotes. [NSFW]
"...just wanting his cock inside me is driving me crazy!"
"...as he pounded me like there was no tomorrow with his long cock."
"...he held my legs back, thrusting hard and fast, sweat dripping off his face."
"He bent me over and worked his way to pulling my hips back on his cock as he pounded..."
"...the orgasms were intense..."
- by SM
demhandz81: Just use your fist now
MindOverManter: FEED ME SEYMOUR
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408842309 | 1408979879 | t3_2eeqh2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | symune: Tifu by leaving my Google account logged on at a friends house.
This happened today...but it all occurred due to an incident at the beginning of the month. Around July 31st I was at a friends house and had logged into chrome to show him my theme and I left it logged in by accident.
Now fast forward to today. I was sitting in the car talking to my girlfriend and we were talking about search history and she asked to see mine, having nothing to hide, I went to my history and started scrolling through it. Well everything seemed fine and then I scrolled by August 2nd...she saw something that neither her nor I was expecting. It was two logs of a porn site. Well crap...my girlfriend is a very innocent girl who doesn't condone porn what so ever which, is fine because it isn't really something I'm that in to either...but now she thinks I watched it and is upset with me...even though the time stamp is a time where I was in the car with her on the way to her birthday dinner...
I despise you Austin. If you are reading this...you are a terrible person.
TL;DR: Friend screwed me by watching people screw...FML.
millygrams: Can you not explain this to your girlfriend? It sounds believable enough
Teotwawki69: I think this post may have been an attempt at an explanation. Either that, or a subtle way to get his friend Austin to take the blame for OP's porn watching and get him out of trouble with the GF.
symune: This post is simply to state that today I fucked up. Isn't that what this subreddit is about? I may be wrong, this is my first post here.
Deathiaz: OP it's about showing dominance , now go to austins house and piss on his dog. and than fuck your girl
Teotwawki69: Or fuck Austin and then piss on his girl. Either way works.
Deathiaz: Yeah, Whatever floats your boat.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1408845851 | 1409072344 | t3_2eev4l | t5_2to41 | 5 | Ranger_Aragorn: TIFU by using a towel
I was just done with my little brother's birthday party. Being as how I was bored, I decided to [insert witty euphemism about masturbation] because I was pent up and bored. Hiding out in the bathroom, I was halfway through when my sister knocked on the door. Foolish me, unwanting to have a dick covered in lube in my pants, decided to get rid of it by towel because I was a fool. My dick still stings.
Darkstool: The hell are your towels made of, burlap?
Dr_Mysterious: wasps.
ZeroSumHappiness: No, read it again, the dick is the one stinging. It must be made of wasps.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1408846671 | 1408928296 | t3_2eew8e | t5_2to41 | 126 | usernamegold1: TIFU by watching an anime called "Boku"
Unlike some fuck-ups on this sub-reddit, this fuck up happened today.
I was sitting on the toilet, taking a shit and playing on my phone to fight boredom, and I suddenly decided to find out what Boku no Pico was like (it was disgusting).
See, I hadn't taken a dump in 2 weeks, so I was pretty constipated.
So, I turn down the volume so my family doesn't hear what I'm watching, and I start producing vile, disgusting boiled food. And let me tell you, this was the worst shit of my life.
As I'm taking a dump, I squeeze the phone because of the pain and I accidentally press the Volume Up button. Shit. This was the first mistake.
The phone was now blasting all the hot gay pedophilic action through it's speakers for all of my family to hear.
The second mistake was that in my struggle to turn the volume down, I somehow dropped the phone UNDERNEATH my pants. I finally picked up the phone and turned the volume down, but by then I heard my mom yelling "What the fuck was that?!"
In an attempt to make this situation better, I yelled out "NOTHING, MOM, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT". Third mistake.
I wiped as fast as I could and ran to my room immediately. Now I am sitting on my bed, sharing this story with you guys. Didn't even flush.
I'm going out in a few minutes to talk to my mom, and I will update you guys later, after I get over the fact that I have embarrassed myself in front of my own family, and the fact that my anus now has the width of a jar.
TL;DR: Blasted Boku no Pico while on the toilet for all my family to hear.
HaikuHighDude: So, I'm not sure what that is, but probably don't want to find out. I'm guessing not flushing was a great idea though! If there is loud, gay, pedophilia coming from the bathroom, it's good to have proof you were pooping
imaybeanidiot: Boku no Pico is a hentai based on a homosexual relationship between an adult and a 'shoutacon' (a young boy). There are from what I ~~remember~~ been told, 3 episodes. Which comprise of several different sexual acts between those two characters and others.
5225225: > shoutacon
shotacon
imaybeanidiot: It's an o with a like across it on top, which is a shortened form of 'ou'
5225225: ah. I've always seen it as shota.
Also, do people on reddit really find it weird, or am I just used to general creepiness?
imaybeanidiot: Depends what you classify as people on reddit. The majority of reddit that is not familiar with anime. Probably. But the groups that are familiar with the subject, they are usually unaffected
| 7 | 18 | |
1408846329 | 1408848588 | t3_2eevrq | t5_2to41 | 13 | VITALY_CHERN0BYL: TIFU by using a motorcycle helmet as a basket.
I was on my way to a buddy's house, and my fuel light popped on. I swung into the first station I saw and parked my bike next to the pump. I was a little hungry because I skipped lunch so I grabbed a Red Bull from the fridge and then made my way to the candy isle for some healthy snacks.
I chose a few different candy bars to share with my study group as I was turning around to go to the register a sharp "HEY!" broke the silence. "I saw you put those in your helmet!" the clerk exclaimed.
Just in case you don't ride a motorcycle, I guess I should point out that when you make a quick stop at a place like a gas station, you would usually take your helmet off and carry it inside with you. The easiest way to carry it is to hold it by the chin strap, and an upside-down helmet makes a handy shopping basket.
"Don't worry, I'm going to pay for them." I replied, "I also need $10 on pump..."
She cut me off mid sentence every time I tried to explain that I wasn't shoplifting, I was just using my helmet as a...
"Nope I caught you stealing and I'm calling the police."
I kept calm, but she was all fired up. I don't even think she noticed that there was already a uniformed police officer in the store until he joined us at the counter. I thought he'd take my side and point out how silly the whole thing was, but I was wrong.
He took up a very stereotype "cop attitude" and firmly asked, "is there a problem here?"
I tried my best to explain what was going on, but he wasn't buying it. He eventually did let me go, but not after he frisked me in the parking lot. He also demanded my ID, and spent a good 10 or 15 minutes in the car with it. I'm fairly certain he didn't think I was stealing, but I guess they never pass up an opportunity check somebody for outstanding warrants.
resetnos: Dam OP That's fucked up, if it was me I'd complain to the owner of the store..
VITALY_CHERN0BYL: I could, but if the owner is a dick, that woman could loose her job. I'm sure it was an honest mistake on her part. She's a moron, but she was just trying to do her job.
I'm thinking about complaining to the cop's supervisor, but I doubt it's even worth my time.
resetnos: Yep Just one of those Fuckit Moments :) Move on
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408848297 | 1408849136 | t3_2eeyb9 | t5_2to41 | 11 | non523: TIFU at work, on my first day.
This happened about a month and a half ago where i had just started working for a company as a contract Sys Admin.
Did this to the CEO's office on my way in to meet him.
http://i.imgur.com/jg2DWIr.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/QKs7UBB.jpg
Edit: forgot pics.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: did what to an office?
non523: fixed.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: does he know what a door stopper is for?
non523: That's what i said!
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: so what happened op?!
non523: We had a good laugh about it, chatted a little, and he sent me on my way. When i got back to my cubicle i filled out a work order and maintenance patched it up same day. I don't have a copy of it but on the last line i included "Maybe a door stopper would help".
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1408847620 | 1408920188 | t3_2eexhe | t5_2to41 | 52 | Zadchiel: TIFU by listening Anacona by Nicky Minaj with my new headphones. [NSFW]
So a couple of months ago I went to Rome, and brought back a new cool pair of headphones with me among other stuff. I started using them 3 days ago to play L4D2, but damn they were very uncomfortable, I tried and tried but they kept hurting my ears. After I came home my parents were asleep so I put them on to use my Pc, in my room, not wanting to wake them up. And for the first time in the lifetime of those headphones they fitted right, and were comfy. So I started browsing youtube, watching some channel with new and they talk about Nicky Minaj new video. I don't like Nicky Minaj, I don't like twerking, I don't like her music. But curiosity got me and Oh boy, did I look at that girl with new lustful eyes. I watched that clip like 3 times before the urge became unbearable. So I Ctrl+shift+N, fitted the two windows on my monitor, and went to my usual porn site and I find two beautiful ebony women in threesome in a bathtub and star the deed.
Usually I mute that shit down, but since I had the new headphones...
Oh boy, between, Nicky Minaj and the other scene, I did not heard my dad coming out of his room in the other side of the hallway, (as that is my cue to minimize all windows and hide my dick), BUT I DID HEARD HIM, opening my room door, as the knob makes this loud PLING PLANG noise when you open it. I minimized everything I but wasn't fast enough to hide my dick.
There he was, an old man 50 years old. Watching his 25 years old son, with his dick out, watching [this](http://i.imgur.com/Fgp1xTr.jpg?1) desktop wall paper. He left and closed the door behind.
And the worst part is that the first thing that came to my mind after he closed the door was "I should post this to Reddit".
This happened like 5 minutes ago. Dick still out.
Edit: clarification on what my dad reaction was.
Starf55: How did he react?
Zadchiel: He just closed he door as he realized what was going on.
[deleted]: What I want to know is why he entered a 25 year old dude's room without knocking...
Zadchiel: Well he was asleep when I Came home he probably thought no one was there. Also we are a pretty close family. So that. ..
[deleted]: Close knit? Dudes masturbate, that's just risky. I never want to walk in on my son doing that lmao
Zadchiel: Well they were asleep. I already have the unbearable urge. I had already the uncomfortable headphones in a comfy position.
| 7 | 7.428571 | |
1408848503 | 1408902594 | t3_2eeykw | t5_2to41 | 366 | gfparents: TIFU by screaming "WE BANGED LAST NIGHT" to my girlfriend's parents.
My girlfriend and I are inheriting a bunch of fish from her parents. So last night they came over with a five gallon bucket filled with various fish tank supplies so we can get this project started.
Several drinks later we are all feeling pretty good and open, when her mom says, "I would be concerned if there wasn't any banging going on," to which I raised up my arms and projectile vomited the words, "WE BANGED LAST NIGHT!!!!"
Girlfriend left the room. Our other friend who was there also left the room. I was left alone with parents.
[deleted]: Thanks for the extra completely irrelevant info about the fish tank.
Press3000: Are you joking. That totally foreshadowed the conversation
CTRipley23: It was necessary information!
| 4 | 91.5 | |
1408849376 | 1408851399 | t3_2eezpi | t5_2to41 | 10 | tishstars: TIFU Request: please relegate all sex-related TIFU's to one or two days
This subreddit has slowly devolved into being rife with fake sex/genitalia-related threads. I feel like we need good ol' fashioned fuckups most days like this subreddit used to have.
BladedFalcon: The sex TIFU equivalent of Shaturdays, sounds good to me.
tiehunter: Maybe make it F-day?
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408850910 | 1408993325 | t3_2ef1p4 | t5_2to41 | 521 | aymama: TIFU by dislocating the wifey's shoulder via doggy-style
This happened last night. Doing this on my phone because too afraid to ask the wife for the computer. Please excuse spelling, punctuation, format, etc. you bastards.
After a night out drinking that was full of aggressive come ons, we get back to the house and start the quick strip. I, like the alpha male I am(pretended, but this is the interweb, I'm huge and muscular), threw her onto the bed and let out some primal grunts, alluding to the fact that shit was about to go down, hard. We start everything off, but when I try to dominate even harder, that's when I heard her shriek. I put her arms behind her back a la handcuff style, and at first smirk because yay I hurt her with my dong! Only then do I get donkey-kicked and she turns around to display a fucked up shoulder. I'm not a doctor, but even a dwarf could see that the gap between her shoulder and arm was just not meant to be. I realize this, and I guess as the adrenaline starts to kick in, and I get the spins. Toilet, too, far... and while she gets in front of me to head to the bathroom, a glorious projectile of beer and stomach innards lands all over her back and hair. Oh the names I was called...
After I do my time on toilet, I google how to reset her shoulder, pop it back in, and then try to jump in the shower with her. Nope. Off to the couch I went!
Tldr- try to place her hands together hand-cuff style, dislocate her shoulder, freak out and puke on her. Fun times.
cooldude0027: "Uh oh, my wife's shoulder is dislocated. Better puke on it."
*Pukes.*
"Well that didn't help."
lazychris2000: Everyone knows you're supposed to piss on a dislocated shoulder and puke on a jellyfish sting.
He was drunk, so I can understand the mistake.
rtbrowntown: "TIFU by puking on my wife's shoulder instead of pissing on it"
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: /r/nocontext
| 5 | 104.2 | |
1408848490 | 1408896759 | t3_2eeyk3 | t5_2to41 | 44 | ladylei: TIFU when motorboating and gave my SO a black eye
So this really did happen TODAY, which is rare for this sub.
***Please note I'm not making light of Domestic Violence and don't condone Domestic Abuse. No one deserves to be hurt especially by your SO. I've been through it and domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any gender, age, sexuality, and partnership.***
------------------------------
Black eye on someone = BAD
Black eye on SO = WORSE
Black eye on SO that you put there = WTF DID I DO?!
Black eye on SO that you put there with your tit = WTF DID I DO?! + LAUGHTER + I'm sorry for laughing and hurting you.
--------------------------
Now my dear Redditors I fucked up day:
TIFU while play fighting with my husband. I'm a bed hog admittedly and sometimes we do stupid play fighting for fun. We have separate blankets because of my bed/blanket hogging ways and sometimes have a pillow wall to keep me from cuddling him off the bed at times.
This morning I woke up early, fed our cats, checked in on kids, etc. so hubs could sleep in. After he woke up we were just enjoying being next to each other with the pillow wall down before our daughter woke up for the day.
Tomorrow is our 7th as wedding anniversary and we were just talking about what we wanted to do for our anniversary. It was so nice to enjoy the quiet stillness without the busy noise of our cats begging loudly for food, our son (12yo) & daughter (5yo) fighting over stupid stuff just to annoy each other, or kids being eerily quiet and likely causing trouble (aka being nuppy puppies) instead of happily loud and noisy by playing in a normal fashion. As we don't often get to have relaxing quiet moments as a couple very often. I digress.
We were enjoying ourselves and were starting to play fight in silly ways. Hubs kept saying that my breasts were taking up too much space on his side of our bed. He said that my "half" was about a quarter of the bed and I agreed. Then I stole 3/4th by snuggling up close as he reached to put his cell on the nightstand again. We giggle and kiss then I scoot back to my half of our bed. Hubs then repeats his "complaints" of my bountiful bosom spilling over on his side again.
Now this is when I fuck up and pretend that I can't control my own breasts. I'm shoving my chest forward act as if I'm trying to keep my tits from attacking my husband. I go for my husband's face with my breasts. Unfortunately in my effort to motorboating his face with my breasts I came on too strongly. My breast hits him in his eye and gives him a black eye.
TL;DR : Motorboating is dangerous and can cause injury. Please be cautious as breasts can have a great deal of heft and may batter your motorboating partner if done improperly.
Vaulttechceo: Happy Anniversary:)
ladylei: Thanks!
Vaulttechceo: I hope y'all have a good one!
| 4 | 11 | |
1408852100 | 1408944675 | t3_2ef37e | t5_2to41 | 45 | Jilloffthrowaway: TIFU by giving my niece my phone
We were at my sister in law's house to celebrate her birthday. Her daughter who is four loves my five year old nephew. I have some videos of him on my phone that she likes to watch, so I gave her my phone to play it over and over. A couple of minute go by and she walks into the kitchen where all of the adults are showing us my phone saying "Auntie, what you doing?" She stumbled upon a video of my wife masturbating (graphically!) on a bed during our anniversary. We all froze. My wife said "Auntie's going potty!" and snatched it away from her. After all of us laughing until crying, my wife looks at me and says "You owe me big time for this." I fear for the future.
Dawrt: You are going to owe you wife....A BABY
Jilloffthrowaway: OH GOD NO.
Alienmantis: Not just one.... But TWO
gabeNPleasePleaseMe: And if you call in now you'll get a third one for free
TheWin420: But wait... There's four!
| 6 | 7.5 | |
1408852997 | 1408885711 | t3_2ef4ca | t5_2to41 | 4 | TheBanger: TIFU by going kayaking in rough water with my new iPhone
My last iPhone was really shitty and had a host of problems. So I got a used 4S last week for $200 right before going on vacation.
My family went to the beach today, where my dad and I went kayaking. We have a tandem non-ocean kayak, and we don't go out in rough water that much. My dad wanted to go to the bay across the road, but I said "what's the worst that can happen?"
Right before getting in the water I said that I should put my phone in the car. However my dad said that we should have a phone with us and that he forgot his and so I should put mine in my lifejacket pocket (in retrospect it's a very good thing that he forgot his, because he's going to Cairo in two days and would have been screwed because all of his work is on it). So my uncle pushed us out with some difficulty, and we got going.
We rather quickly realized that we were not going to be getting very far with the **serious** waves that were going on; and we turned towards shore. This turned out to be our most serious mistake: with the waves coming from straight behind us they washed right into the boat and didn't come out. We sank extremely quickly.
Two dudes on shore walked out and helped my dad and I drag the thing back on shore, but by the time I thought to take my phone out of my pocket it had spent several minutes in basically a bag of saltwater. It was buzzing furiously and heated up extremely hot, and since then has cooled down.
Now my mom is insisting that this is the last time that they spend money on a phone that I break immediately (this is my third phone and the only one that has been broken) and that I will have to pay for it with my own money. In the grand scheme of things it's not so bad, but it's quite annoying.
TLDR: I thought my phone was Aquaman
ARecycledAccount: Have you tried the rice trick yet? Put it in a big bowl of uncooked rice and let it dry out.
TheBanger: It's dry, but I'm almost certain it's gone - the charging port is missing several metal strips in the center and the whole inside is covered in green stuff. Even if it works other than that I still can't charge it.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1408855558 | 1408858070 | t3_2ef7nr | t5_2to41 | 21 | contramand: TIFU by getting drunk and deciding to shave
So last night I was alone with a liter of vodka, a jug of orange juice and myself. I had consumed 8 or 9 drinks when I started thinking about how much I dislike being hairy. I'm so hairy that my chest hair pokes my shirt out about an inch and a flea could travel comfortably from the top of my head to my big toe without touching skin.
So I strip naked and grab my safety razor (shout out to /r/wicked_edge) and begin to go to town. I start with my stomach and work myself up to my armpits. I take a break for another drink and shave my crotch, balls, ass, upper legs, as much back as I can reach and my upper arms. It was at this point that I was getting sleepy and bored so I went to bed.
When I woke up this morning there was a pile of hair the size of a cat floating in my toilet and a trail of hair stomped into the carpet leading to my bed. I've taken stock and I look like a pale man boy with boobs wearing hair stockings and elbow length hair gloves.
I'm impressed with how thorough I was but I look like a retard. I guess I'm just lucky that I didn't cut my balls off with my razor.
tonysTinydanza: You can't not post a picture of this.
contramand: Never going to happen. I thought about making something in MS paint but I'm drunk again.
Teotwawki69: Leave out the face. No one will ever know.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1408855016 | 1408903091 | t3_2ef70m | t5_2to41 | 10 | RiotGirlll: TIFU by not wearing gloves when cutting scotch bonnet peppers
My fuck up was not today, it was a few months ago. I am not very experienced at cooking and this past year I have been having to learn how to cook, using recipes and sometimes just by buying ingredients and figuring out something to do with them. So, I went shopping and bought a few things for dinner. My boyfriend decides to buy some scotch bonnet peppers and convinces me that when they are cooked, they won't be too hot. I reluctantly agree to try them out. We get home and I begin preparing our meal, I think we were making pasta with a tomato and vegetable sauce or something. I take out the peppers and begin chopping them up, getting right in there with my fingers to get out all the seeds. All is well at this point.
A few hours later, after we have had a lovely dinner and watched some tv, I noticed my hands are feeling very hot, painfully hot. I go and wash them under cold water and dry off. This is where it got really bad, after a few seconds, my hands being heating up again, incredibly so. I was in so much pain, it actually took me a while to figure out why my hands were hurting. Before that point, I had touched my face, especially around my eyes but this was nothing, I had to scrub my face vigorously to stop it burning but it was my hands that were excruciating.
For the next 4 hours or so, I was in so much pain, NOTHING helped my hands. I scrubbed my hands with salt, used salt water, used hand wash, soap, everything I could think of to try and relieve the pain.
Every few minutes, I would have to rush to the bathroom and run my hands under cold water again. It was a complete nightmare. I tried to forget about it and sleep but the burning got so bad, I tried to put off going to run my hands under water but I would end up panting, holding my hands between my legs for some sort of relief (?). We had some amaretto at home so I tried soaking my hands in that, I held my hands in ice water but to no avail. I lay in bed next to my boyfriend and started crying, it was so exhausting and so painful. After many hours of rushing back and forth from the bathroom sink, I took some painkillers and finally nodded off once the pain had eased slightly.
By the way, I had washed my hands VERY well after chopping the peppers and assumed that would be enough but it really, really wasn't. They were not packaged either so there was no warning. Now it is months later and every time my boyfriend mentions 'Scotch bonnet peppers' I wince.
So yeah, that was my ultimate nightmare fuck up.
Anxious_midwesterner: I thought I had problems after slicing up three pounds of jalapeños! That is terrible, I feel so bad for you!
RiotGirlll: I always thought that I had a high pain threshold but this had me crying, ugh. Never again. Right?
Anxious_midwesterner: Exactly right. I bought a box of disposable gloves that I keep in a kitchen cupboard now- if I am even chopping up one pepper, I put on gloves! It took hours for the pain to stop!
RiotGirlll: I don't actually have any but I leave the chopping to my boyfriend now, he's very cautious.
| 5 | 2 | |
1408856096 | 1408894645 | t3_2ef8af | t5_2to41 | 25 | Theawkwardhapa: TIFU by basically getting kicked out of University
I won't deny it, I haven't been the best of students, but I've never gone below the GPA requirements. I struggle with depression and high levels of anxiety, so I will admit that there were times where I've had to retake some classes.
During the end of my spring semester, I signed up for classes for the fall. SOMEHOW, I ended up signing up for a summer class (still not sure how that happened since fall and summer classes are separated). Because I didn't have classes (to my knowledge) during the summer, I never checked my emails until recently (classes start Monday).
Turns out, I owe $800, and since I failed a class I never knew I was taking (although they did send me a postcard telling me about summer billing, but I thought they sent that to everyone since I DIDN'T KNOW I SIGNED UP FOR A FUCKING CLASS) I am no longer able to receive financial aid, and I can't take my last year of school.
School starts on Monday and since they decided to tell me that I lost my financial aid two days before class starts even though this mystery class I supposedly signed up for was in May...I'm pretty much fucked.
EDIT: Added a few words.
contramand: Everyone fails at some points. Learn from your mistake. Be honest with how you got here. Move forward and do better.
Theawkwardhapa: I'm trying to, but I honestly don't even know how to move forward from here. I was so close to graduating, and something stupid like this is preventing me from going anywhere.
splitrune: This is a temporary roadblock for you though. It will put you behind possibly, but it won't stop you from reaching your goals. Just try your best to resolve this problem and then get a game plan for finishing up
Theawkwardhapa: I'll do my best to try and resolve this! I'm looking for a job too, so everything just kind of decided to blow up on me all at once. I'll hopefully hang in there.
tobobo36: Don't worry man, you'll ace this shit and come out the other side, it might be tough but you can get through it.
Theawkwardhapa: Fuck yeah I will
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1408856732 | 1408888555 | t3_2ef8yt | t5_2to41 | 44 | 878lettuces: TIFU By buying a lettuce
Well really by being an idiot.
A couple of days ago I bought a lettuce and took it to the automatic checkout machine. I put the lettuce on the machine and it gives me the weight of the lettuce (0.878 kg) and I tell it it's a lettuce. Then the machine asks for the "quantity". So, being an idiot I figure it needs to have the weight manually input but there is no decimal point and only three spaces available so I shrug and put in 878 and press enter...
The machine stutters says "maximum order exceeded" and then dies, just goes blank and makes some alarming noises.
Only then do I realize it was asking how many lettuces I was buying.
Then some alarm goes off somewhere and a shop assistant approaches me to ask what is going on. I have to explain to this lady what I did while she gives me a look that withers me inside and seems to ask "how have you survived this long on two brain cells". Then she puts a big out of order sticker on the machine. I take the opportunity to scuttle out, tail between my legs and without any shopping. FML.
pardon_the_mess: Nice username.
Is it common to say "a lettuce" where you're from? Lettuce is plural here in the US.
What meal did you end up eating that was lettuceless?
878lettuces: Yeah that's the only way I have heard it used in Aus, maybe I have been doing it wrong my whole life, we have already established that I am capale of fucking up :P
I went to a different supermarket and through the human teller.
tobobo36: Plural of lettuce is lettuces but only if you refer to them as whole lettuces I guess "there are many lettuces in the field" otherwise it is worded like "that's a lot of lettuce" or "we have lots of chopped lettuce"
Edit: fuck you English
878lettuces: Thanks man, I learned something.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1408859469 | 1408892415 | t3_2efbwu | t5_2to41 | 76 | [deleted]: TIFU By Bragging That I'm Gonna Jerk Off In My New Room
Okay, so my family is looking for a new place, somewhere a bit larger, as me and my brother have to share a room, and have our whole lives. So of course with this process comes going to see the houses. So my mom comes in one day and tells me that she's been approved for a house that she really liked, it looked great in the pictures, and we get to go see it that weekend(AKA this Saturday, or a few hours ago as i'm typing this).
So we go, my brother, ever the pessimist decides not to go in, but me and my mom do. He should have come in because man, this house is stunning, I mean for the price it was fucking amazing. So I meet the Realtor, just shake his hand and go about looking through the house. All of a sudden the owner drops by, the owner happens to be an older lady, quite nice, but she seems to be very... ritzy, just glamorous I guess(the house ain't exactly built for a millionaire, but her wardrobe was). So I shake her hand as well, and I continue walking, my mom drops by while i'm upstairs and says to me which room is mine, I look around it, just taking in the empty space, the closet, everything, so I look back, and then, in a slightly hushed tone say to myself "Man, I can't wait to jerk off in this room"(something I had never done before). I look back, and lo and behold its the older lady, just turning around, heading back down the stairs, but I could see, she saw me, and heard me, just out of the corner of her eye. I look downstairs and she's talking with the Realtor, saying something, and we look around for a bit longer. Tonight my mom says the Realtor called her and said he had a much better offer, and had to take it, we couldn't have the house(He had literally said that it was ours just days later).
So now I feel like I may have fucked up and lost us that house.
TL;DR: I bragged about jerking off in front of an old female homeowner, lost us any chance of getting that home.
MrPoopnoodles: Damn dude, you blew it.
then again...
....you didn't blow it at all.
bdawgsupreme: OP blew it - the homeowner was gonna blow him
Kappa
DoesThisWorkMan: Does that qualify as incest? OP wants to screw himself, ends up screwing his mom and brother instead.
| 4 | 19 | |
1408853859 | 1408888205 | t3_2ef5gm | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping an iPad on my dick
I store my iPad inside my pillowcase (Don't ask me why I just do it). I was laying down and the pillow was down by my feet. Being too lazy to sit up and grab it I stick my leg into the pillowcase and lift it up to slide the iPad out. It comes out like a chopping blade right onto the tip of my dick.
TL;DR Almost circumcised myself with an iPad
OctoSniper: I LITERALLY COVERED MY MOUTH AS I CRINGED AND LAUGHED AT THE SAME TIME AND I JUST NOTICED I'M TYPING IN CAPS.
tobobo36: Sneaky caps goblin strikes again.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1408861175 | 1409064779 | t3_2efdjq | t5_2to41 | 13 | blzy79: TIFU by having sex without a condom
I lost my virginity today and didn't use a condom but I cummed in her mouth I'm very worried that possibly if I had precum on my dick I could have gotten her pregnant if I did get her pregnant I'm moving and changing my name.
antony1197: " if I did get her pregnant I'm moving and changing my name." This proves to me you need to grow up before your fucking without a condom... actually don't be fucking without a condom period unless she's on EXACTLY that...
blzy79: Even if she's on her period that doesn't guarantee she won't get pregnant
midnightmunchees: You have to be ovulating to get pregnant and clearly you don't understand what a period is.
blzy79: Obviously you don't, it's when the egg and uterus lining are shed and there is still a chance a woman can get pregnant even on her period, is it a small chance but yes it can still happen
Sperm can survive in the body for 5 days
midnightmunchees: How the fuck can an egg implant when the lining is being SHED? If the lining SHEDS, bye bye lining where the egg is attached to. There is a VERY SMALL WINDOW in a month's time, it's about 3 days long when you are ovulating, typically 14 days after your last period's final day, give or take A DAY. That's how fertility works. Sperm can survive but NOT LIKELY implant for 5 days, showing weak motility meaning not able to impregnate.
blzy79: You're a fucking idiot
http://health.howstuffworks.com/pregnancy-and-parenting/pregnancy/fertility/pregnant-during-period.htm
midnightmunchees: Yeah, I'm the idiot because I'm the one going by a "how stuff works" rather than a fucking dozen doctors.
blzy79: You want me to schedule appointments with a dozen doctors and ask them a question completely unrelated to my health. I bet you've literally asked a dozen doctors if this can happy and sorry to inform you sweetie but sperm can survive for 5 days and you can get pregnant
midnightmunchees: Actually, I haven't asked them such a stupid question because I struggled with infertility for 7 years and because of this I may have learned a little. But you definitely know more cause you know, internet.
blzy79: Now you aren't even saying I'm wrong because I'm not, now you're just going on about how you're bitter because you can't bear children.
midnightmunchees: Hah, another dumb ass assumption because that's not true either. Continue to act like a stupid twat, it's the internet where you can act like one without fear of a smack.
blzy79: Without fear of a smack, do you live in the UK? You gonna give me a little smacky backy to and fro?
At this point it's as if I'm arguing with a small child.
midnightmunchees: If you say so. Feel better?
blzy79: Do I feel better? You're the one getting your ovaries in a knot which might be why you're infertile.
midnightmunchees: Yeah, that's definitely how it works. I'm also no longer infertile, thanks.
| 16 | 0.8125 | |
1408858839 | 1408926492 | t3_2efb9q | t5_2to41 | 12 | lifetimelead: TIFU by letting the girl of my dreams go.
Me and this girl had been bestfriends for the longest time and I started to like her, well me being stupid and young decided to rush things and jump into things without thinking. It ended up making things awkward and made things not how they should have went and I ended up breaking up with her a few days later, once again not thinking at all and being young and stupid. Fast forward to about a year later I start to really like this girl again and by like I mean really like. I tell her as me and her are still best friends and pretty much it too late as their is another person in the situation now and she doesn't believe me when I say things are different and that I have thought about this now. So now I am beating my self up and being depressed over something I had all the control of. So pretty much I fucked up about a year ago by being young and dumb.
TL:DR Think before you do.... or you will wish you have later.
Daniel-H: I prefer humorous stories, but this has an important lesson that we all need to learn.
You should give her a bit of time (and give you a bit of time) and find a way to articulate to her "hey, I was stupid, but I'm better now." Maybe do something she'll find really great.
Deathiaz: I prefer those as well, and recently I kinda told this girl I had been friends with for a long time but hadn't seen it about 4 years that she was really pretty or cute and I am kinda rethinking my choices currently.
lifetimelead: I honestly felt like my situation was different then most as me and her are bestfriends and tell each other everything, so I was real open to tell her everything and spill. As for you man it really depends how close you are, and if she even has interest in you at all. As for me I didn't have to worry about either one of those and we had been together before and we were close. If you like her I would tell her you never know what might happen.
| 4 | 3 | |
1408863347 | 1408865545 | t3_2effib | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunk texting a fling
I am too old to be doing this shit but my overly tipsy brain thought it would be a good idea to drunk text a fling. About 45 minutes later the tipsy wore off enough for me to realize how fucking desperate I must seem now to this dude. I really despise my inner crazy sometimes. Needless to say he never responded and I promptly deleted the number. I get this is a fairly common fuck up but damn I feel so stupid.
meccanexus: I never mind getting drunky texts from girls...especially if they're remotely booty-call-esque...
[deleted]: I am afraid this one didn't come out quite as intended but well I deleted it in my shame and am trying to delete the whole thing from my brain now so who knows.
meccanexus: Ah well, have some more tequila and my number
[deleted]: Sight unseen, eh? Brave man. Or just on good terms with tequila.
meccanexus: Abita both actually!
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1408862217 | 1408864317 | t3_2efehv | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a greedy jerk
Today i fucked up by being greedy. like most stories this did not happen today, it happened about 11 years ago when i was in kindergarten.
In kindergarten we had a restroom in the classroom with a restroom monitor. The teacher always reminded us to not put our hand inbeetween the door and wall where the hinges are while we were leaning against the wall because every year someone put there finger in there and had there finger nail pop off.
So one day i wanted to be the monitor really bad because there was only a week of school left and i wanted to do it again. I was next in line for the restroom and saw that the restroom monitor had his thumb in-between the door and wall. I bolted in there and closed the door as hard as i could at that age and then heard a demonic scream and poked my head out to see him holding his hand and the teacher leading him down the hall with a lot of blood trailing along.
about ten minutes later the teacher came back and i went up to her (acting very innocent) and asked whos going to be the monitor for the rest of the day and she said i could.
he didnt come back to school the rest of the week and i never got in trouble but a few years later i saw him and his thumb was kinda fucked up and i kinda felt bad
but doesnt matter, got to restroom monitor
1st_lurker: Your not greedy, your fucked up man.
Not cool.
tonefilm: I guess it's fitting that he posted in TIFU...?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408863588 | 1408866934 | t3_2effp6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not paying a ticket.
Ok... I'm scared. I'm so scared and I would appreciate any input. I have a $50 ticket for driving with an expired lisence and I was supposed to pay it on the 9th. I still haven't because I totally forgot about it till today and the police department isn't open till Monday. (I live in Utah btw). I don't know what's gonna happen and I'm really freaked out because of this- I also got arrested for having weed in my car. I have court some time this next month. And now I also have this overdue ticket on top of it. I'm freaked out because I don't know what's gonna happen. What if I go to Juvie? What if I get taken away from my mom? What if my license gets taken away? I just don't know what to do I am freaking out I can't sleep and it's all just a big fuck up. If you can help me at all and give me advice I would love it.
meccanexus: Also do whatever you can to get that weed ticket to disappear, including hiring a good lawyer if necessary. That one can haunt you on employment, college/student aid, etc.
VamVamVam: The thing is I'm 17. It will be off my record, but I just...I don't know....
meccanexus: whew. well live and learn I guess, and pay that ticket before that gets worse! :)
VamVamVam: Oh trust me. Iv learned. I am never buying weed again till I'm in a pace where it's legal..
meccanexus: hah at least don't be holding in public :p
Also, We have some rocking schools here in Colorado...
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1408861309 | 1408941441 | t3_2efdoh | t5_2to41 | 36 | FirearmConcierge: TIFU by getting drunk in New York City
Today I fucked up, I sold a friend of mine a gun. He used it to end his own life. When I found out the news, I was devastated. I drank heavily that night and the next evening I found out my brother would be in NYC for a few days with his fiance. He invited me. I booked tickets on the spot and flew in.
Only flight I could get was into LGA a few hours before he was destined to fly in. Since the Amex Centurion Lounge just opened, I went there to wait for his plane.
I wrote an article on TTAG about my friend on the plane and decided to edit it in the lounge as I waited for my brother's delayed flight from O'Hare. I decided to do this over bourbon. Several bourbons. Several doubles. In the course of one hour, I had consumed the equivalent of four drinks. Next thing I know it is 5PM and I need to get into the hotel. I stumble my ass drunk out of the lounge to the bus stop. I fall asleep and wake up. There's the Q70. I can take that to the train. My hotel is Hyatt grand central. Donald trumps first real estate foray into manhattan. Hence, it's NEXT TO GRAND CENTRAL.
I get the express 7 to grand central. In addition to being drunk as fuck I had a q70 local bus VIA THE BQE to get to the 7. I got shaken up more than a James Bond martini. I get to the top of this 90 foot escalator and stumble out of the station. I walk to an intersection. Not the nearest intersection. A intersection. The sign says 42nd street and lexington avenue. Cannot figure out which direction is north.
I spend TEN MINUTES - aka 80 New York minutes trying to figure out where my hotel is. I looked at the map for 8 minutes straight. I figure out the correct direction. I walk 15 minutes.
The next intersection said 42nd street and fifth avenue. I looked at the map again. I couldn't figure it out. There's a bus coming. It says M42 CROSSTOWN. I stumble my ass onto the bus. I ask the driver if this will get me to grand central. He says yes.
I shove my metro card in. No free transfer. There's 55 cents on it. He says I'm short. I tell him fuck it. I'll walk. I'll follow him.
He looks at me with a face I have only seen two or three times before on a truck stop rapist.
He tells me to get in. He's got it.
Sweet.
I collapsed spread eagle on the "reserved for disabilities" seating.
My eye catches the window. I see HYATT in large letters. I get off the bus after three stops. I stumble into the lobby where I check in. The front desk keeps asking if I need help. Two bellmen are ordered to leBron me to my room. I refuse. I sit down and fall asleep in the elevator. A British couple wakes me up. I ride back down to my floor. I stumble in the room and sit down. I have a massive backache. I open my bag and I grab a few excedrin with caffeine to give me a bump. It's 615. My brother shows up at 620. We have a dinner with my cousin at 7. Uptown. 93rd st. Fuck. We get moving.
I say we take the 7 to times sq change to the 2. There's a waiting 7. Nice. I realize something is wrong as we change to the 2 train.
My back still hurts. And I have a differnt side effect. I have confused my pain meds with Viagra. How many did I take? One? Three?
I'm on the rush hour express uptown with a MASSIVE HUGE NOT GOING AWAY FOR HOURS BONER. WITH MY FAMILY. ON THE WAY TO DINNER.
Fuck.
I manage to charm the snake back into it's basket as much into compliance with regulations as the NYC MTA dictates.
We get to the restaurant. Still sloshed. I am forced into the TINIEST BOOTH EVER. SITTING NEXT TO MY SISTER IN LAW.
Entering tent city.
Population: me.
Fuck.
So we have dinner and I manage to hold it together. We get back and I collapse on the bed. My brother throws a pillow at me. I'm snoring. I ask how bad.
"Ever hear a 3406 engine braking before?"
I go back to sleep. Next thing I know, I'm getting waken up by housekeeping. Checkout is at noon. It's 3:45.
There you have it. The cheapest booze is the most expensive.
Oh, and no good story ever came from having a glass of water.
anUpstateNYguy: That drunk off of "the equivalent of four drinks"? That's impressive, I wish I could get my money's worth that well.
TL;DR OP doesn't drink bourbon frequently enough :D
Cryptographer: Is that factoring in the hammering all 4 down in an hour? I don't drink alcohol, but I don't drink 4 soda's an hour lol
| 3 | 12 | |
1408864921 | 1408931614 | t3_2efgsj | t5_2to41 | 647 | throwaway420blazit: TIFU by jerking it in the shower while my family was home
The title is somewhat self explanatory, but let me begin with a bit of background information. I am, as many of these posts go, a stupid teenager. I am a recent college dropout, and many other things have been going wrong in my life that have caused me to be borderline depressed. Fuckin' life right?
Anyways, on to the story.
So today I went to take a shower at the usual time (1PM, of course, what am I, someone who has shit to do with their life?) and when I get in I am of course not thinking about what else is going on in my house. My mother happens to begin doing a load of laundry partway through my shower. The laundry room in my house just so happens to be quite close to the bathroom, can you tell where this is going?
So when I am taking my shower I begin to think about all the things I am missing in college, and I, being the big man I am, curl up in a ball in the shower and begin to break down in tears. I then begin to think about the girl I hooked up with all through out the last couple weeks of college. Now not only are the tears flowing even more, but now I am hard as a rock thinking about one of the few girls who has graced me with their sexing. So I sprawl out in the tub, now crying and cranking my meatstick at the same time, just goin at it while the shower pours hot water onto me.
So here is where I fucked up. The support for the bar that holds up my shower curtain is somewhat broken, which means it does not take much to pull that bad boy down. So as I am furiously pulling my porksword, my foot is pressed up against the bottom corner of the shower curtain. My foot pulls down the shower curtain, causing the bar to come out of place and come smashing down upon my forehead. There is a loud clang of the bar against the bathtub and I scream "OW SON OF A BITCH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" at the top of my lungs, which immediately prompts my mother to run to the bathroom (THE ONLY ROOM IN THE HOUSE WITHOUT A LOCK FOR GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY) throws open the door to ask if I am ok, only to see me lying on the floor of the bathtub right hand on my forehead, and my left hand tightly grasped around my fully erect penis, while tears were streaming down my cheeks. She just said "oh my god ew that is so disgusting I'm so sorry oh god" and bolted out as quickly as she came in.
My mom and I cannot make eye contact, which made for a very awkward dinner. I'm pretty sure she told my dad too, because neither of them seemed to want to talk about much of anything at the dinner table, which is very uncommon at my household.
TL;DR: Jerked off while crying lying down in my bathtub, knocked over shower curtain, shouted expletives, Mother rushed in to check the problem, can no longer look each other in the eyes.
[deleted]: Why the fuck is your bathroom the only room in your house without a lock
also, why didn't you stop jerking off when the bar hit you and you fell down are you a masochist
GirlMeetsHerp: He was already laying down. His knee was likely bent with his foot against the end of the tub (most tubs are pretty short) with the curtain between his foot and the tub. Repositioning / movement pulls curtain, rod falls, hits head, thoughts not there, hand still on cock. Scream, mother, witness, etc.
Source: I'm a 5'5" female and I can barely lay in my tub.
hjschrader09: Yeah being 6'4" sucks sometimes. Wanna take a bath? Enjoy only being able to submerge 40% of your body at one time.
deliciousbrains: 6'4 too, I've pretty much accepted that it's just showers for the rest of my life :(
hjschrader09: If I ever get rich I'll build a large tub for myself. Like an octagon that can hold 8 feet of person.
Foreigncarwhipper: You could also just get a hot tub..
| 7 | 92.428571 | |
1408865878 | 1408867044 | t3_2efhnd | t5_2to41 | 13 | wubwubDJ: TIFU by eating a pepper NSFW
So I was doing the ALS ice bucket challenge and felt it needed more
spice (pun intended). So after the challenge I did the cinnamon challenge
and beat it. Then i proceeded to eat a jalapeno, it was all fine and dandy
until 20 minutes later when I went to the bathroom came out and was
like "why is my dick stinging". The pain got really intense and I decided to
do something about it. Pouring rubbing alcohol on was my worst mistake
yet, I quickly rush to the shower put it at its lowest cool and ran it over
"it". I then came to the realization that it was the pepper juice from the
jalapeno that had fucked my day. I ran out of the shower grabbed a
towel and poured a glass of milk and submerged my dick in it. The pain
had stopped but about after an hour of soaking I took it out the pain was
gone but my thing had swollen. So here I am on Reddit with a bag of ice
om my Swanson typing up a story the whole world should know so they
don't make the same mistake I did.
SickStiches: Best if read in Snoop Dogg's voice
wubwubDJ: lol tf
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1408863787 | 1408877174 | t3_2effv5 | t5_2to41 | 77 | Lord_Beardsteak: TIFU by buying porn while high
Over the past year, while jerking it to a specific category of fetish videos, I discovered a website that produced excellent content that enthused me greatly. Unfortunately, this website was excellent at removing pirated videos from torrent and tube sites, making it difficult to obtain said content easily.
I found that I could buy a video for $9 each from said website and be on my merry way, but I had never paid for porn before and thus I was still weary of sticking my credit card into the moist, seedy world of premium pornography.
After a joint or four later on in the week, I mustered up the power of boners to help me cast aside my predisposition and buy a video. However, my resulting paranoia from the weed made the entire process feel like defusing a bomb. I was all of a sudden terrified of the porn being tied to my name. I got so paranoid that when asked for my name on the site (a required field for the transaction), I entered the subtle pseudonym of 'Name Person'. I eventually bought the video, downloaded it and the night concluded in the expected way.
However, last night after work while buying a few things from the 7-Eleven my card got declined. I checked my account on my phone and everything seemed fine. I still had enough money on the card for the stuff I was buying. Thinking that it was probably due to the chip stuffing up, which it had been for the past few months, I decided to use the ATM next to the counter to withdraw the cash for the groceries. The machine ate the card and I was left moneyless for the rest of the night. I realised when I got home that the fraud department of my bank had left a message while I was at work. When I finally got into contact with them, they said that someone under a different name had made a $9 online purchase using my bank details and that they shut down my card due to its suspicious nature. Now I can't access my account without going to the branch of my localised bank which is an hour away until I get a new card 7 - 10 days from now.
tl;dr - Bought porn while high and paranoid under an unsubtly suspicious alias, causing my card to be cancelled.
Update: So upon further talks with my bank, I found out that the website I bought the video from had actually tried to steal money from my account after my card was was cancelled. Apparently they tried to withdraw over a hundred dollars from my account. Maybe I should've been more paranoid about being scammed than having my name linked with porn. FYI, don't buy videos from FM Concepts.
berlinbluee: Here's to hoping your bank covers the 'fraudulent' charges.
9$ should cover a bit of the gas to drive out there... at least you got your premium porn "cost-free"
Lord_Beardsteak: Yeah they're refunding the money, which is handy.
FMN2014: "Handy"
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1408865732 | 1408944536 | t3_2efhiz | t5_2to41 | 54 | bobfromsanluis: TIFU by giving one of the worst "thank you" possible
I was loading up some lumber at the home improvement store today and noticed the vehicle two spaces over from me where a father and daughter were loading up their vehicle. At one point I really noticed the daughter, about 12 years old or so, a very cute girl, and I noticed that her left arm was missing her hand and wrist. I gave her a quick smile as to not stare at her and went on about my business.
The father finishes up with his loading and takes the cart back to the front of the store; as he passes me going back to his vehicle, he offers to help me load my lumber. In less than half a second, I accept his offer as we put the three sheets of plywood on the roof of my minivan so I can tie them down. I thank him and he says it's always better to have an extra hand when loading, and this is where I totally f'd up: I say "yeah, especially if you have two hands." The father, a man about forty or so, has the class to not say anything. His daughter is on the other side of his vehicle, so she may have not heard my totally insensitive, grossly out of place comment.
I immediate feel like a total smuck, and quietly cuss myself out. I really felt like an idiot; it is bad enough that this young lady probably gets all kinds of grief from kids who may or may not be smart enough not to say anything stupid, but I'm supposed to be an adult, I should know better.
The father was pure class, all the way around. If I do ever see him again, which I sure hope I do, I intend to thank him for his help, and his acceptance of my being an idiot.
LunarKinky: gotta love those off handed comments
HopelessSemantic: It's just so easy for these things to get out of hand.
LunarKinky: we're really going to have to knuckle down before it gets to bad.
HopelessSemantic: I know. That poor girl; she probably has to keep everyone at arm's length.
Daniel-H: Wow, that's harsh. If she sees any of you she should give you the finger.
But I'm also immature, so I'll give you all a thumbs up!
HopelessSemantic: Don't worry. A girl like that is sure to be armed with a quick wit.
Daniel-H: True, I guess, but I wouldn't really know. You could count on one hand the number of times I've met people like her.
HopelessSemantic: She could, as well.
TheWin420: Get a grip guys.
| 10 | 5.4 | |
1408866682 | 1408889006 | t3_2efi8l | t5_2to41 | 27 | rikk789: TIFU by putting the wrong name on my flight tickets
So today has been a mare. I was scheduled on the 0605 flight from Newcastle airport UK to fly to London then on to Reno for Burning Man. On the booking site for first name i wrote "Rick". My passport says "Richard", making my ticket invalid. The ESTA says Richard, my passport, drivers license, bank card, my fucking Starbucks card says Richard.
So I get to the desk and the girl says its not valid for travel because the names arent the same. I try everything I can think of to rectify it, but there is nothing they can do to fix the name. I ring the booking agency: out of office hours. There were two emergency mobile numbers at the bottom so I was (and will continue) spamming them to get an answer of any kind.
In the end, after wrestling with my online banking system to transfer money i resign myself to rebooking the hotel ($79) and paying for a brand new flight (£909).
Lesson of the day: Use your proper name for everything
createanewaccountuse: My brother had a similar situation. Everybody called him by his middle name (I didn't learn his real first name until I was about 14-15).
TheJLow: and he's your brother?
createanewaccountuse: Our family was beyond poor; we didn't really grow up together. Every time he was around, everybody refereed to him by his middle name, so I just grew up hearing his middle name.
TheJLow: Ahh I see, can see that now! Just when you said brother I was like, errm wait a minute? xD
Le_xD_Bot: xDDDDDDDDDDD LOL
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1408870085 | 1409163832 | t3_2efkt2 | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on /r/Spacedicks
It's 2 am. I can't sleep. I can't get what I saw out of my head. I have tried everything. Oh God, help me.
windowlicked: I was there my friend, it's okay.
[deleted]: What I want to know is who has the fucked up mind to post on that or actually look at it for more than ten seconds? Where do they find those pictures?
SRn1k3: I do, its fun.
[deleted]: You go on Spacedicks?
SRn1k3: yes.
[deleted]: Hey I'm not one to judge, I'm actually a very much accepting and loving woman. No offense, but what sort of demon possessed you where you would want to see images of dead people, mutilated bodies, horrible horrible things?
SRn1k3: Would you like to chat with me privatly? Its a bit hard to have a conversation this way :D
[deleted]: Hey no offense, I don't want to be rude, I don't associate myself even anonymously with people who look at stuff like that. So no. It's too fucked up for a sensitive person like me to see stuff like that especially as a pacifist. Good day.
18hunna: Hey OP, you suck.
>what I want to know is
Nothing. You just wanted to find someone who goes on //r/spacedicks and make them feel shitty.
[deleted]: Sorry
| 11 | 4 | |
1408872747 | 1408970731 | t3_2efmod | t5_2to41 | 98 | [deleted]: TIFU by yelling "Excalibur!" at the worst possible time.
**Storytime!**
Last month me and the girlfriend spent the day together we watched a movie, we got lunch and we talked and talked etc. etc.
Later that night we made it back to the bedroom and we were making out. Now when it comes to sex I'm not the most experienced, I'm not an athlete and I'm not a superstar but I could at least do it without fucking up.. or at least I thought.
About 15 minutes into it something felt 'different' down there. I checked only to realize there's no condom.
**oh shit**
**oh shit**
**oh shit**
We look around the room for a good ten minutes, we check under the pillows, in the pillows, under the blanket, in the blanket, under the bed, around the room, **EVERYWHERE**. Eventually we just agreed that it's lost in the room somewhere so we shrugged it off and I went to grab another condom and put it on.
Right then the girlfriend said "What if it's in me?".
"Oh fuuuuuuuck" I thought to myself. I bet it is there. Just my luck, right? So I layed her down and reached up in there and BAM! there it is! How? How did it slip off and end up there? "oh well, I'll just grab it and pull it out" I thought. So I fished around for it for a good 30 seconds before I managed to grab it between my index and middle finger. I pulled it out and looked at her and smiled. I slowly extended my arm and raised it in the air and stupidly yelled **"Excalibur!"**. Her relieved smile slowly transformed into this plain death stare face. I let out a little giggle and hugged her. It's safe to say that the mood was ruined. :(
I'm still with her today and she still brings this up and we can laugh about it. So it turns out it wasn't as big of a fuck up as I originally thought but still a fuck up nonetheless.
Have an excellent day, reddit. :)
**TL;DR: I pulled my lost condom out of my girlfriend like King Arthur did with Excalibur..**
NU17: TIFU? More like today I was a fucking boss
halcyon15: someone make this a subreddit.
HappyHipo: /r/tiwafb
halcyon15: awesome! ok, now someone post something.
im_pervy_with_scurvy: Done.
| 6 | 16.333333 | |
1408873118 | 1408905277 | t3_2efmy8 | t5_2to41 | 411 | NormanJaydenFBI: TIFU by "shopping" at Target
(note: I can think of a better title for this post, but I thought it might spoil the story. Hopefully some people still read this despite its mundane title)
So, I stopped by Target on the way home from work to pick up a few things. Frozen dinners, chips, toothpaste - less than $10 worth of merchandise.
Let's fast forward 5 minutes ahead in my story; not so much for the purpose of moving ahead quickly, but due to the fact I was daydreaming and don't really remember those 5 minutes or so. I'm in my car, getting ready to leave, and I look over at the stuff I just got, which I laid in the seat next to me. Something seemed to be awry, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. After staring blankly at my bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos for a solid minute, I figured out what it was. None of my items were bagged. But how could this be? That's when I came to the realization of what I had done.
*I had simply walked right out the front door without paying for anything*
Now, I think of myself as a person with fairly high morals, and a guilty conscience. I should just take the stuff back in and pay for it. Quickly, my cowardice overpowered my sense of morality. If I went back in there with that stuff, they'd know what I did - the awful thing I did! I looked around to make sure no one was coming after me, and I quickly sped out of the parking lot, with my ill-gotten merchandise in tow.
I sat down for dinner to consume my Lean Cuisine, knowing I didn't deserve to eat it; or, perhaps, the bland meal was exactly what I deserved. Either way, I won't be frequenting that Target again for a good 6-8 months.
TL;DR, and alternate title - TIFU by accidentally stealing from Target.
theranger799: I wouldn't call it accidental if you realized you didn't pay.. then drove off.
NormanJaydenFBI: Well, I guess technically it was stealing the second I left the store without paying. Even if I went back it, it would have *still* been stealing; that wouldn't have erased what I had done.
Plus if I had did that, I could have been arrested, gone to jail, and become "War Machine's" sex toy. Does he deserve to put his dick in my virgin asshole after what he did? I think not. So, you could say I did the right thing, and maybe even call me a hero.
theranger799: If you'd brought the stuff back in and returned or paid for it you would have been fine. They would see it as a mistake most likely.
deathwish644: Unfortunately though, thinking like that has gotten people arrested for shoplifting in the states. Not saying it is frequent, but it happens.
| 5 | 82.2 | |
1408874302 | 1408902134 | t3_2efnqw | t5_2to41 | 29 | throwawayN123: TIFU by self harming and subsequently lost the opportunity to lose my virginity.
So I've been depressed for a good many years. I'm a 24 year old virgin, never had a girlfriend or any real interaction with women. I blame a lot of it on my anxiety and depression. On Friday night I was in a pretty dark place emotionally. I was bored shitless like I am every weekend, home alone, drunk. I thought, for some reason, that I wanted to try cutting myself. You know, because I'm fucking so bored and depressed. I cut up high on my arm so I could hide it. I was surprised how much pressure it took to shed blood. My arm is now criss-crossed with many shallow scratches. To be honest I woke up feeling fantastic for some reason. Everyone said I seemed to be in a good mood.
Here I am expecting another boring Saturday when a guy I met not long ago on a course invited me out to town. We really hit it off, we have a lot in common (note that I mean as a friend, I don't really have friends so kind of a big deal) but I was always too anxious to accept his invites to go out so he ended up not asking any more, understandably. But I guess he decided to give me another chance and I said 'fuck it, I may as well go out.'
So I go to this club. I end up dancing with a beautiful woman in a blue dress. That's a first. Eventually we ended up making out. Another first. I had a pretty great time there, good banter and lots of fun. At around 3:30AM we go outside and she invites me over to her place. My heart sinks. I remember that I have these fresh cuts all over my fucking arm. Things where escalating at a great pace but then I did a 180 and withdrew. "I'm sorry...I can't." She was obviously very surprised and hurt I guess. I shook hands with my new friends and walked home fucking hating myself. I'm such a fucking stupid twat.
------------------------------------------
Right, I'm sorry about this post. I know it's a depressing post and you guys usually come here to laugh, but I can't think of a better example of a TIFU.
itsrionnn: Duuuuuuuude, depressing story, but one question: Wouldn't you prefer to lose your virginity to someone you actually know/have an interest in? as opposed to someone you just met? What if she has STD's and you get infected? That'll destroy your sexual life.
All I'm saying is keep it slow. You still have a long way to go. Don't waste it.
throwawayN123: Yeah you may be right. She did seem like a genuinely nice girl. Very fun spirited, felt like she could have done me good.
I do get anxious thinking about actually having sex... I mean most people my age have experience with it. I'll be well behind.
tobobo36: Haha nah, sex is overrated man, don't sweat it and it's pretty easy to pick up as well, I mean it's hard wired into our brains.
simkree_: Agreed. When you are a virgin, you make sex out to be some life-changing experience. As if you've had your life when you were a virgin, and then a life after you lose your virginity. The thing is, 'losing your virginity' is not much more of a special experience than brushing your teeth for the first time or doing anything, for that matter. It just sounds special because it's overhyped. Don't get me wrong, sex feels great. But I also enjoy other activities. Like eating a great meal feels pretty great too. In summary, I'm just saying that sex is just one activity out of many that define you as a human, and the vast majority of humans on earth end up having sex profusely anyway. There's no reason to think you are an exception.
throwawayN123: Thanks. Sex definitely isn't on top of the things I want. I want a relationship, everywhere I look people are in relationships and I've never known that happiness.
And while I definitely want it (come on now) it's more about my fear of humiliation.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1408874292 | 1408903848 | t3_2efnqo | t5_2to41 | 7 | KCagle91: TIFU Real-Time from the ER
Punched the floor and dislocated my pinky because I was mad. Currently waiting on X-ray results.
Update: definitely broken. Doctor straightened it out the best he could, gotta see an orthopedic surgeon on Monday. In a splint in the meantime. :(
Learned my lesson.
Update 2: Going to possibly have surgery done early tomorrow (around 4am)
optimusoctavia: So, what brought upon this floor punching extravaganza? When I meet someone knew, I always try to determine if they are a wall-puncher. I'm usually right. Just a little game I play. Guess it is better than punching walls.
KCagle91: I was just arguing with my GF, she drove me to the ER
optimusoctavia: She drove you to punch the floor. Ftfy.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408878514 | 1408891852 | t3_2efqt5 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating with hair gel (NSFW)
I've been staying with friends for the past week, and I had the house to myself after my friends left for work. I was feeling pretty horny, and decided to rub one out in the bathroom. I found a tube of what I thought was lotion, and used it to wank to completion. It felt wonderful and glided with ease, when I was finished however I realized that I had just jerked it with hair gel. I had managed to jerk off quick enough with it that the stickiness of it had not set in yet, but shortly after I was done the gel hardened on my dick and became ultra-sticky. I tried to wipe it off with a rag but it nearly got stuck to it.
I finally managed to clean off my dick by holding it over the sink and using a wet rag to clean it off. After a few minutes, I had it all cleaned off and back in order. I felt like an idiot for that one.
tl;dr: I masturbated with hair gel and my dick became a gluestick.
TitanHunter0: Am i the only one who goes in dry?
[deleted]: yeah... I am with you on this one. Most of the time, (NFSW) ... i am going on details about my masturbation so you are welcome to not read it. I spit on the sensible parts. But if i dont do so the first moments are sensible yes, but after a bit it does not care at all. Bye, strangers! :)
TitanHunter0: Bye...*big smoch on the cheack*....
[deleted]: :O
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1408877621 | 1408927671 | t3_2efq3y | t5_2to41 | 8 | TossTime: TIFU by leaving a customer's phone in the open
I work in a print and copy section and help people print documents and a regular customer comes in to do her photo round. This time she hasn't sorted it out and put them onto a USB so she trusts me with her iPhone to copy her pics to a USB because she didn't want to wait for all the photos on her phone to load in the photo kiosk.
Anyway, she has a fair amount of photos to copy over so she leaves her phone and USB with me while she runs some errands. Now normally once the copying is done I leave it behind the second counter where we keep our drinks and snacks but for some reason when the copying is done, I leave her phone and USB near to the POS (point of sale) machine so that no one being served can see it but still in the open so that anyone on the other side can reach over and take it. My co-worker and I do some other jobs and when the customer comes back the phone is gone but the USB is still there. Instantly, "Fuck." comes to my mind and someone's stolen it. She does her photos saying she'll worry about her phone later. I ask around to see if anyone had seen it and they said they hadn't. She really starts to get worried so I ask my manager to look at the security footage and lo-and-behold, we see 2 guys steal it - one on lookout and the other reaches over the counter to grab it. Not me or my coworker were in sight of the camera.
Manager and I break the bad news to her and we try to use iCloud/Find My iPhone but she doesn't know her Apple ID and she wasn't set up for iCloud. She phones the police to let them know her phone's been stolen and she's completely freaking out now and the cops tell her to bring the security footage. My manager is fairly new so he rings up the store manager but he says that we can't give the footage to her and the cops have to come into the store. We start shutting up shop and she leaves with no phone but at least she has all the photos from her work party they held that week (right?). Store manager is also going to speak to me tomorrow about it all. Knowing that I could have avoided this altogether if I just left the phone behind the computer or where I normally put valuable things hurts.
Hold me, /r/tifu.
*TL;DR: Customer left phone with me, I left phone in open, someone else left with phone.
tobobo36: Good news is that yo ass ain't sued cause she's a nice lady. If nothing happens see if you can replace her phone out of your own pocket because she didn't make your life miserable by suing and possibly getting you fired.
Fucking sewed.
anydentity: Getting his ass sewed shut would almost certainly be a worse punishment than simply being sued.
tobobo36: Sorry, not used to the term much. Here in Aus there isn't a heck of a lot of it because of our "she'll be right" mentality.
| 4 | 2 | |
1408885121 | 1408944570 | t3_2efw2v | t5_2to41 | 769 | hoseherdown: TIFU by accepting a birthday gift from my girlfriend
Well maybe "accepted" is the wrong word. She came to me and told me to clear my schedule for this weekend because she was "taking me to the beach". As we travelled on the train she admitted she may not have planned it well and the hotel would be too expensive for her. I offered her to pitch in but she refused. I fucked up again by suggesting we rent a room in somebody's appartment. We found an old lady renting a room for tourists, which happened to be far from the beach and was kind of shit but oh well. Being the guy i am, i offered to pay for all the food during the weekend and to my surprise she accepted immediately (she's usually the I'm-a-working-woman-and-i-can-afford-it type of girl). Anyway, fast forward to today - i told her to pack our stuff because the lady would want us to leave before noon. She just ignores me and says that we'll leave in the afternoon. We have a small fight about how hotels work but in the end I gave in because I didn't want to ruin the weekend. We looked around for the old lady but she wasnt around and we didn't have her number. So we packed up and left without our bags only to come back in a few hours to find the old lady yelling at us to leave already because others were waiting for the room. So we got our shit and left. We're now stuck with our bags on the beach because the next bus/train from here is in 7 hours .I've also spent over 4 times what my girlfriend spent just for our collective food (we make the same amount of money) and i'm writing this with the last 10% power on my phone. Which now also seems like a mistake because I have nowhere to charge it. Fuck.
Malamutewhisperer: Don't focus on the negatives.
She seems like she honestly tried (+). Was willing to be flexible, and admitted her over-reach (+). Wanted to spend the weekend with you (+). There had to be more good to balance out her bad:
-Very poor planning
-Arguing about the room when I thought EVERYONE knew that
-Not being more aware of the money expenditures
That money spent on food...well spent? Good dinner? Fun times?
Right now, I can understand your frustration. You were told to clear your schedule, it's YOUR birthday present, and you're caught paying for the bulk, and sharing all the bullshit. I get it, I really do.
If this is commonplace for her, and your relationship....well damn, she must be an undeniable 10+.
If this was a hiccup....shit happens.
[deleted]: Fuck this shit. Guy pulls this, and it's curtains, with all her friends agreeing.
CCSentrytheDefiant: Jesus. Not every girl is like that! Me *and my friends* would get over it and move on like adults. There are plenty of men and women like this, but definitely not all women. Ugh.
_STEMinist: Right. Not every girl is like that.
But the majority are. Entitled.
CCSentrytheDefiant: Again with the generalizing! That was the same as saying, "I'm sorry, but..." I think everyone, man or woman, is entitled to respect, and that includes not grouping them together based on their sex. It's the same as basing it on their race or sexual orientation. You don't know until you meet them personally. There are PLENTY of entitled men but that doesn't mean all men are entitled.
_STEMinist: Le Patriarchy.
CCSentrytheDefiant: I included both men and women in everything I said. I was simply saying that this particular user was generalizing women just like other people have generalized men, young people, gay people, police officers, democrats/republicans, etc. It isn't about a patriarchy, it's about everyone not judging everyone based on stereotypes. It's seriously time to move past that. Grow le fuck up.
| 8 | 96.125 | |
1408886662 | 1408906523 | t3_2efxi1 | t5_2to41 | 17 | browingman: TIFU by e-stalking someone who i fell in love with.
Happened yesterday. I am young and stupid, As most people my age do, I fell in love with a crush of mine, got too attached to her (She sees me only as a friend but she claimed to not have a boyfriend either). Now i cant stand seeing her with someone else. As usual (I assume most people do) i started stalking her on all social media. Be it facebook , whatsapp , Skype etc etc. Checking out often about when she is online and when she changes her profile pic, what her status says .... usual yada yada .... I know this is not a healthy habit please don't criticize me in the comments for this. This is where things get fucked up . Now it has become a habit for me to check out her "last seen" timings, She was online at morning 11.00 am, i check again at 11.05am still online..... 11.11am still online. This goes on, i check approximately every 5 min till 2.30 pm. This is when i fuck things up. I couldn't bear it, I needed to find out who she was chatting with for so long . Instead of sucking up the bad feeling and crying in a corner or masturbating the feeling off i end up becoming furious and send her a message saying "Who the bloody hell are you talking to since 11 am, Have you ever spoken to me for more than 5 minutes ? "(Yeah i know messed it up big time). Her only reply was "Good lord, Are you stalking me ... Don't ever talk to me again". Yep as you guessed, now she blocked me on all social media, Probably told most of her friends about what i did . Now i have this sinking feeling and sitting in a corner thinking how things could have gone instead. I know i have lost her forever. I am lost, my heart aches and i know i don't have anyone else to share it with and worst of all i can do nothing about it except post it on reddit for others to have a laugh at :)
henrebotha: > she claimed to not have a boyfriend either
So, what, does a woman only get to deny you if she has a boyfriend already?
Grow the fuck up, learn to respect women, and don't fucking cyberstalk people you prick.
Deathiaz: It's normal tom mildly stalk someone, his case is a little more extreme but I don't know who he is, so I can't call him a sociopath or whatever. I do it, my friends have done it, it's not normal but its not not normal either, it just happens because you get carried away. Maybe what he was trying to say there was that he felt a connection with her and just brought it up at a wrong moment (; ) If you haven't experienced it than I don't know, but everyone I know and talk to have done it at some point in their lives. You can't call him a name, you don't know who he is, and if he is a sociopath or has the incapability of holding himself back.
henrebotha: > Maybe what he was trying to say there was that he felt a connection with her and just brought it up at a wrong moment
No, he already knew she only thought of him as a friend. End of story.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1408882193 | 1408917254 | t3_2efton | t5_2to41 | 38 | ChickenGravyRoll: TIFU by sending my girlfriends mum a picture of myself on the toilet
Usually when I go to the toilet and I have to drop off some timber I'll take my phone in too keep me company. Sometimes I'll take pictures of my poop's, or a picture of me crapping and send to mates for shits and gigs. While I was on the toilet, what I thought was my girlfriend sent me a picture of herself with some new dog treats. I thought it would be funny to gross her out and send her a picture of me doing a turd so I did. After laughing and wiping my ass I got up and got back on the computer. I then got a message from my girlfriend saying "I saw the picture you sent to my mum" my heart sank into my stomach. I just wanted to roll onto the bed and die. I will never be able to look her in the eye ever again.
Here's the picture and the conversation http://imgur.com/frsCYdE,bTxzcO8
lockwasher: I would be more concerned if mum answers with a picture of one of her ass rockets just as it breaks free of her mud whistle.
daltonian5: That is the best euphemism I've ever heard for a dump
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1408858516 | 1408888529 | t3_2efaxh | t5_2to41 | 6 | AndPOPGoesHerCherry: TIFU by cutting my finger.
Well I cut my finger a little a couple of hours ago. Nothing major. But after a few hours, blood has hardened under the skin and it looks like a blood blister. So I decided I'm gonna pop it. I get a couple paper towels for blood, and now all I need is a band aid for when I'm done. Bandaids... Bandaids... Shit where are they...
Oh yeah. My roommate had them in his room earlier. This is where I fucked up. It's 12:30am now, it was about 12:20 when I knocked on his door. He answers "Yeah?"
"Hey man, you got the bandaids in there?"
"Yeah one sec"
I give him about 30 seconds and I'm like damn, what's taking so long. I go to twist the doorknob, its locked. Goddammit it, is he...?
Then all I hear through the door is "Yeeeppp"
He's fuckin jerking off in there. He opens the door using his shirt as a mitt holding the bandaids and says
"I'm using my shirt so I don't get dick all over the box."
TL;DR cut finger, need bandaids, bandaids are in roommates room, I interrupted his meat flute lessons.
tobobo36: At least he was the only one in the room and the door was locked. Some things can never be unseen.
AndPOPGoesHerCherry: That's a solid point.
| 3 | 2 | |
1408888700 | 1408890105 | t3_2efzm8 | t5_2to41 | 135 | thecoconuthustler: TIFU by rescuing two puppies off the beach
This happened yesterday, and I was too damn tired to write about last night.
My corner of Puerto Rico (ex-pat) had some good waves this weekend thanks the now-TS Cristobal. The spot I like to surf is about 45mins to 1 hr from my home. I surfed this spot Friday evening really good, and noticed a bunch of dogs on the beach (this is usual, people bring their dogs to the beach while they surf) and wished I had brought mine. There were two young pups, about 6 months old, that were super playful and I tussled with them a bit after my session assuming their owner was still in the water.
They are definitely brother and sister, male is caramel, female black & white, small to medium sized, mixed breed, really cute and friendly. When I went back to this spot on Saturday morning, these two were still there, but so were many people so I figured again that their owner was surfing. After my first session I said hi to them and went to grab a chicken and rice & beans lunch, which i didnt finish. When I got back, I didnt see them and went for a second surf. The conditions rapidly turned unfavorable, and it only lasted about an hour. Upon getting back to my vehicle, there they were. They were pretty skinny and seemed hungry as hell, so I gave them my leftover lunch which they devoured immediately. A friend of mine from the area told me they had been dumped there, and my heart sank. I couldn't leave them, so I tossed them in the back seat of my car and committed myself to their well-being.
They seemed comfortable in the car for the first 20 mins, and I figured all was good. The male started to look a bit uncomfortable, but not too bad, and wasnt whining or anything so I kept on. Then came the rice & beans. Everywhere. Must have been four or five separate vomit expulsions, all over the back seat. At this point i was on a highway and there was just nothing I could do but not breathe through my nose, ugh, so nasty. The female climbed up into the passenger seat, and I figured it was cool because I wouldnt want to sit back there in my brother's puke either. She then climbed down onto the floorboard, I thought maybe to lay down as my dogs often do. But no, she started to circle, then jumped back onto the passenger seat, looked at me, leaned her ass over the floor board, and proceeded to spew explosive diarrhea all over the floor and the passenger seat. Again, nothing I could do. Once the deed was done, we hit a bump and her ass dipped into the poo. Of course she wanted to come and climb on my lap, so now I've got the poo on me. Had a nice 25 min drive back to my house with my car covered in shit and puke. Cleanup was not fun. Think I'm going to make another post later today with pics asking Reddit to name them.
TL;DR: Rescued two pups off the beach, fed them a bunch before car ride home, puked and shit all over my car, and me.
Edit: pics and name contest here: http://redd.it/2eh20z
SassySquirrel3908: You fed them rice and beans? When they hadn't had anything really to eat in several days? What did you think was going to happen?
That said, you're **awesome** for taking them, but really.
thecoconuthustler: ....yeahh, not the smartest thing to do. Face palm city.
SassySquirrel3908: Again, though, thank you so much for taking them in :D
| 4 | 33.75 | |
1408889221 | 1408892860 | t3_2eg06p | t5_2to41 | 8 | tifuexperiences: TIFU By forgetting how to wipe my ass
So this morning i wake up feeling like i gotta take a dump, So i get up, Go into the bathroom drop my draws and sit my ass on the toilet, As i am shitting i notice the poop is a very liquidy almost pre-diherea consistency, I guess i didn't pay it much attention, I get done pooping and grab a roll of toilet paper off the shelf in front of me, Tear some TP off and wipe my ass, Well when i bring my right hand back up to tear off some more TP i notice my entire right hand is covered in shit and not only that but the roll of TP is now covered in shit as well from where i just touched it.
I quickly grab the shitty roll again to get some more TP to finish wiping but it's early in the morning and i don't function well so i drop the shitty roll of TP, It hits my right leg first on the way down smearing my hairy leg with shit before rolling across my plain white polo boxer shorts leaving a nice brown and greenish smear, The TP roll then rolled over my left foot smearing shit on my foot before finally hitting the wall where it also gets shit smeared.
So now im covered in shit, My boxers are covered in shit and my floor and wall are also covered in shit.
I finally retrieve the shitty roll and finish the job of wiping my ass and then jumped in the shower to wash off.
Also had to spend about 20 minutes cleaning the bathroom floor as well.
TL;DR
One minor miscalculation while wiping my ass turned into a disaster.
laurenelisha88: Well that sounds really shitty
creamersrealm: True.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408890950 | 1408916274 | t3_2eg28p | t5_2to41 | 13 | insane_canine: TIFU by not heeding my own warning
First, a bit of background. I work in a casual dining restaurant, and the small size and high volume of patrons that the restaurant receives means that each staff member wears many hats, so to speak. So on a daily basis, I will not only be responsible for cooking food and making coffee, but also doing food prep and waiting tables. It can become pretty hectic at times, but we manage it very well!
This one particular night was quite a busy one, and we had a booking for some parents and about 5 or 6 children. Anyone who works in hospitality (or anyone who has met a child, really) can attest to the fact that children make a shitload of mess, let alone half a dozen of them. Tonight was no exception to that, as within 5 minutes of receiving their drink, one of the kids had spilled it everywhere.
Noticing this, I immediately jumped into action and basically dropped everything I was currently doing to clean it up. Our floors are polished concrete, and I could just imagine a small child falling over and the parents blaming me for any injury their child might receive from fucking running around a restaurant and slipping over.
I mopped it up, put a wet floor sign where I mopped, and said to the parents of the children "watch out, these polished concrete floors become extremely slippery when wet, and I'd hate for your kids to slip and hurt themselves". You can get where this is going by now, right?
I go to clear another table not far away. I walk back over where I had just mopped, plates and glasses in hand. My feet slip, and I fall directly on my ass and break everything that I was carrying. Now red-faced after just warning everyone about the slippery floor, I quickly make a break for the kitchen to calm down and not see too many people laugh at my misfortune!
TLDR; warned some parents and their children about a slippery floor, proceeded to slip on said floor and break a whole lot stuff in the process.
Paradoxa77: I guess that warning must have slipped your mind.
philpowpow: His boss will probably let it slide so no harm done.
payattentionimsmart: Ignoring your own advice can be a slippery slope...
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1408894311 | 1409026171 | t3_2eg6me | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU I pushed a customer at work, who him and his friends have been bullying me for months
I have no idea who these guys are but they have been giving me shit for months. I hate going into work because of them and they make me feel like shit. At one point I almost broke down crying and I'm in my 20s now.
Today I snapped at the one who was giving me the most shit I told him to back off and basically leave me alone.. and then pushed him a little. He then went into defence mode saying "what are you doing" and there's cctv cameras in here.
I've been bullied all my life through school, college and at home. I just shut down when people start giving me shit for no reason. I try to stay cool and hope that they will eventually leave me alone as I am being nice.. but they never do.
So basically I am going to get fired now and I feel extremely bad. Either that or I've got to go in and face them everyday.
I watched a video a few weeks ago of a mma fighter who got into a brawl with someone else and he said that he would never let anyone bully him and he teaches his son that. Those words have stuck in my mind and I realise that my entire life I have let people bully me. Even my own dad bullies me everyday and this has seriously fucked up me. I'm seriously anti social and really, really depressed because of it. I just see people who have bullied me have better lives than me and there's no karma. I end up with the shitty life and job because of it.
After years of building myself back up I finally got a job.. I fucked up because of other people.
UPDATE: Today I went into work and the manager didn't say a word to me about it. Looks like I still got the job for now but who knows if they banned those guys or not, I won't bring it up again though.
erzaascarlet: u r 20 and u want people to stand up for you wtf
u pushed a man a little and u think that makes u a hero
make some friends go chat with people u will get rejected sometimes but at least u will have experience
u said that u r anti social people don't like boring people that dont care for them
try giving people attention that u would like to have from people
u said u got bullied in school and college and work
why do u think that happen ?
had you ever thought that it was because of u
its not possible that people all people in the world hate u
I think you are very shy man and that is the problem If u have any problem that make you uncomfortable with people like being fat deal with it its ur top priority
live ur life don't let people make u sad and destroy you while they live ther life happily while you live in dark
sorry for my poor English language and thanks to auto correct lol
Daniel-H: > u think that makes u a hero
Tell me when he said that. In fact, I think that he acknowledges that he made a mistake.
You do have some good points, though.
erzaascarlet: from title and what he says u can easly see that he proud of doing it
he says he is sorry for doing this because he lost his jop but that not the right reason to be sorry he must be sorry for attacking man didn't do anything to harm him
the bad thing he dont say about the other man and what was he doing to him I relly doubt that he bullied him
Daniel-H: So you're saying that he's lying by saying that he was bullied?!? Really?
erzaascarlet: no im saying he got bullied when he was young and now when he hear any thing he go straight to defence mod and take people words as an assault
and if u do that you will get angry and start to be mean and harsh to people then they will hate you ofcorse and will start to be harsh with u
Daniel-H: He didn't go "straight to defense mode." He said that they had been doing this for a while, and that he finally snapped.
erzaascarlet: I dont think u really understand what im saying ur responses relly misses the point im talking about
pl read what I said carrfully cos I don't what to keep coming back to this post
with my love lol
| 8 | 8.5 | |
1408894285 | 1408897648 | t3_2eg6ks | t5_2to41 | 11 | sorrythrowaway42: TIFU by meeting an incredible server, whilst already inebriated.
TIFU by drinking away a new friendship, or potential relationship.
A bit of a backstory: the girl I was with for a year and a half left me about two months ago, and I'm just now getting over her and so on.
So, me and a friend are running around Deep Ellum, and after bar hopping, we come to a food place. Already having a few under my belt, we go in and, sure enough, this place serves Shiner Bock. I'm already buzzing, so I (brilliantly) decide to order another beer without any food. First thing I notice about our server is, she's got the perfect complexion in my book; however, I wasn't feeling ready for rejection again, so I dismiss any of "those" thoughts I would normally have in this situation.
As the night goes on a bit, she comes by the table and tells me how stunned she was when she saw my age (she thought I was older than 22.) I'm used to hearing that, so it didn't faze me at the time. After one beer there, I decided it was time for another, plus a sandwich, so I ask her recommendation for vegetarian options (don't judge.) I come to find out that she attempted vegetarianism at one time, which is an absolutely incredible find for any vegetarian living in Texas. We get to talking, end up out front for some reason I don't recall, she calls me strange, then qualifies it with the "that's a good thing, though" bit. Come closing time, she almost half invites my drunk ass to karaoke, but I was with a bro, and too drunk to realize what was going on. She leaves, and I end up out front talking to people. Eventually, another friend we run into makes me grow a pair and leave my number with the guy closing up the place, and he promised to deliver it to her. We'll see. I probably completely blew what could have turned into an incredible friendship or more, but oh well. On the bright side, I got to feel like I clicked with someone new, built up some much needed confidence, and had loads of fun.
P.S., this happened last night, but since I work nights and haven't managed to wrangle any sleep since drinking, I consider it still today. (Explains a lot, huh?)
Franco_DeMayo: Just sounds like you broke the ice to me. Have a little faith, dude. :)
sorrythrowaway42: It's funny how some random person on the internet can bring a smile to your face. Thanks!
Franco_DeMayo: My pleasure.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1408895709 | 1408985160 | t3_2eg8ii | t5_2to41 | 491 | bleepbooper: TIFU by playing with handcuffs.
So this happened about month ago. I had recently started dating my boyfriend, who is in law enforcement. I had expressed an interest in being handcuffed, both out of curiosity and in terms of sexy times. So after some messing around we decide to introduce the fateful item. Enter a pair of Smith and Wesson stainless steel handcuffs. Now, not having the bondage 101 handbook, and assuming since these cuffs had been used on perps in the past that they were still functional, we did not test them out prior to slapping them on my wrists. Nookie ensued.
Now, let me tell you, there's nothing quite like watching the dawning horror break on your boyfriend's face as he tries and fails to open the cuffs. We had even dismissively joked about what to do if they got stuck, and this apparently angered the Murphy's Law gods. We tried four different keys, lubricating the lock, picking it with a bobby pin, buying a new pack of bobby pins, coming to terms with our failure as escape artists, and failed to spontaneously develop telekinesis before finally admitting defeat.
So now we decide to set out on our Odyssey. Thankfully, I have a shirt on, do not have to use the restroom, and my hands are cuffed to the front. We decide to try to find a locksmith. However, since it was on a Sunday, we had no luck. We didn't want to go walking through a hardware store to try to find tools, and we didn't know if there were any good enough to cut through police-grade cuffs. During these travels, my boyfriend kept me calm with Skittles and other delicacies. So now we ponder our options: police station or fire department. We figure the police would only have more handcuff keys, and since we had tried keys of at least four different makes, that left the fire station. We select one well away from where we live, to limit awkward encounters about failed kinks.
The firefighter who helped us out admitted this was a first for him. He asked what had happened, and gets a flat 'It's exactly what it looks like'. He takes us back to the tool room, and ponders the pros and cons of a variety of increasingly terrifying options. Thankfully, he rules out the handsaw, and decides to go with the biggest bolt cutters I have ever seen. The placement of the cuffs meant he had to cut through the metal by my inner wrists, which was not the most calming experience. But eventually, freedom was mine, and the firefighter thanked us for an entertaining Sunday afternoon.
Moral of the story: check your cuffs before using them. And throw Skittles at your girlfriend if you have to go on a quest to free her.
PS: http://imgur.com/LWVcR7V
Swarlsonegger: Moral of the story: Have tools at home.
Like seriously I am a bit confused, don't you have tools at home? Where I come from many people tend to hoard all kinds of tools.
kingeryck: Tools that can cut thru police handcuffs? No.
gnuworldorder: i have 42" bolt cutters at my house. im pretty sure this would cut them. it went thought an old rusted masterlock on my basement hatch like a hot knife in butter
HookDragger: Master locks are case-hardened.... meaning its only surface deep.... fully hardened steel would not be so easy... and would likely destroy the cutting portion of your cutters.
FirearmConcierge: Handcuffs? Hardened steel? Ha!
| 6 | 81.833333 | |
1408897448 | 1408897691 | t3_2egb2c | t5_2to41 | 7 | Shark_Caller: TIFU by while trying not to pee himself had an accident.
Well, this happened to my friend (let's call him Tom), but I was with him. We were third graders and we were hanging out around playground after school. We were both far away from home. We were drinking soda and eating a lot of junk food, when we both felt urge to go pee to toilet, but there was no around us and people in houses watching us. So my friend (let's call him Tom) had the best idea to stop us from peeing ourselves. Here is a concept http://imgur.com/4R4znDw so he thought if we put our arm around crotch and press it hard and jump like kangaroos we won't have an ,,accident''..Wel it worked, but Tom fucking shit himself. He had his mom pick him up. I was a good friend and laughed just a little bit.
themodestninja: Upvoted for that drawing.
Shark_Caller: You are very modest
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408865822 | 1409025428 | t3_2efhlr | t5_2to41 | 8 | Candroth: TIFU making dinner for my visiting mom
My dad died in November and I've had a hell of a rough time (severe depression, general anxiety, social anxiety, the works). Mom decided she wanted to come visit, and today she flew in. We ran around town, chatted, it was nice.
Dinnertime loomed and I decided to make salmon corn chowder. Went to the store, picked up some nice bacon and a salmon steak. Got home, started making dinner, cooking the bacon. Mmm, bacon. Everyone loves bacon.
Bacon's done, I want to drain the excess grease before putting the salmon steak in the pan. I reach for an old cat food can thinking that's a good place to put it. I start pouring the hot grease into the can. The can quickly heats up, and my brain catches up to what is going on.
Hot grease. Metal can. Hey, metal's an *excellent* conductor of heat and I'm holding it in my hand!
Realizing my mistake I swear under my breath and attempt to put the can down as quickly as possible, in the process sloshing the grease all over my hand. Muttered curses turn to uncontrolled shouting that, were I twenty some years younger, would have resulted in a week's worth of soap in my mouth and maybe an exorcism (and my mom's not even Catholic).
I run cold water on my hand, swearing and apologizing for swearing and laughing at what an utter *dumbass* I am, head to the bathroom to wash my hands off real well, fetch my first aid kit, patch up my hand, and get back to cooking.
In the end the salmon chowder was pretty damn good, mom didn't seem too bothered by the swearing, and it doesn't look like I have any blisters. My hand and my pride sting like hell.
(For the curious: .3 lbs of good bacon, .3 lbs of salmon steak, half an onion, one can of creamed corn, one can of kernel corn, rinse out the creamed corn can with milk. Cook the bacon (it's okay to overcook it a little), drain the excess grease (don't burn your fucking hand in the process), cook the salmon steak with half a diced onion, throw in a pot with the corn and milk, add a pinch of black pepper and garlic, don't let it boil over, stir often, crumble up the bacon, portion into bowls. Sprinkle bacon on top with paprika and basil. Congrats, it's food. More in-depth details upon request.)
Zephilinox: I personally don't think this is relevant to TIFU, it's like saying you stubbed your toe while watching a movie...
Candroth: I think sloshing hot grease over your hand because you were holding a METAL CAN is a fuckup.
Zephilinox: Sorry if I misread the story, but you didn't do any serious damage to yourself right?
In any case I think it is great that you are submitting content to the sub, I just didn't think this particular story really showed a screw up; and since there were no comments and little upvotes I wanted to let you know what I thought : ]
Candroth: I actually do have small blisters on my middle finger (hah!), and now that I'm in Yellowstone with my mother I'm wracking it fifteen times a day getting her wheelchair in and out of the trunk. Owwwwww.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1408898336 | 1408953172 | t3_2egcby | t5_2to41 | 53 | ryancalibur: TIFU by making my friend slap me
So, first things first, I'm the realest. As in, I tend towards honesty over tact, which I thought was fine, but am now re-evaluating.
Last night/early hours of this morning I was at a party, and one of my friends, we'll call her Sally, was feeling a bit down about her weight. This isn't a skinny girl fishing for compliments kinda situation, she actually is very fat.
So she comes up to me and pulls me aside and looks at me really seriously and asks "RyanCalibur, do you think I'm fat?" Now, she is. But even I know that you can't just say that. I scramble around to think of something positive to say.
"At least you're funny."
majorthrownaway: I think you mean "most real."
PartTimeBarbarian: who dat who dat
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1408902233 | 1408922714 | t3_2egi4m | t5_2to41 | 2,931 | IdenticalEarl: TIFU by getting a BJ from somone I meet the same day (NSFW)
First off; I am sorry for not articulating myself too well, English is not my first language.
Well, when I read all this TIFU posts I find myself thinking: "Done that" to a scary amount of the posts, but then it hit me, I havent seen anything like this TIFU before so here it goes.
Just to make things clear: In Norway drinking age is 18. And the sexual age is 16.
To long to read? It's in audio now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXbT2yhil7U&index=2list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6
This happend about 10 years ago, I was 17 years and the legal drinking age in norway is 18, but I looked older so I snuck in to a bar. I was drinking, having fun and start to talk to this lady. She did not drink so we talked about that for a while while I was getting more and more drunk. I remember that I thought "she got nice teeth". Yeah that drunk. Oh.So.Drunk.
Out of the blue she asks me if i wanted to go to her place. I thought "well I've done worse" and well we left. She told me she was 28 years old, and I was impressed. I was finally getting an experienced girl. Maby I could learn something new from this chick...
Well we get to her place and she gets undressed, so did I. She goes down on her knees to give BJ, I remember thinking "how long does it take to get the D in her mouth",she finally started and wow what a BJ it was, the best I've ever had. Better than any sex I've ever had before.
Well after a period of time I was done and that's where I realised the FU. She looked up at me and smiled and SHE WAS FUCKING TOOTHLESS!!! She had taked out the fake teeth and layed them on the floor under her. I never noticed that because....well... Shitfaced. Enough said. I started screaming like a girl and started walking backwards, I didn't see the shower curtan and fell in her shower while hyperventilating making small squeaky noises. For F sake!!! she looked like a toothless bulldog eating mayonnaise.
Well needless to say, I was scared out of my wits so I ran over my clothes, taking them with me, hiding in the kitchen, trying to get dressed. She came out to the kitchen and she had put her teeth in again, I was still scared as hell so I ran out. She started calling me but I did not answer, but after constant calling for 2 hours I took the call and the weird thing was that she started apologizing to ME!!! I was shocked. On top of it all I needed a place to stay for the night so what the hell. Long story short. I dated her for a year and had a whole year full of fantastic BJ's.
Oh, and she had a gum-disease, and that is why her teeth fell out.
And yes I know I was an asshole for reacting like that, but I panicked.
TLDR: got a BJ from a toothless girl, got scared, fell in her shower while trying to escape.
MrAlarming: So you dated her even though there was an age gap of 11 years? Weren't you still living with your parents at that age?
IdenticalEarl: well yeah. when I had calmed down I realised that she was a kind woman and we started dating. and no I moved out of the house when I was 15
MrAlarming: Why?
IdenticalEarl: well I was a rebel so I just wanted out
MrAlarming: I'm 15 and I couldn't cope on my own.
IdenticalEarl: well as it so happend I did crash and burn. but thankfully, my family is the best and helped me back on my feet.
MrAlarming: Did you spend all your money on Mountain Dew and Doritos?
IdenticalEarl: well no. on drugs and alcohol.
MrAlarming: What drugs?
IdenticalEarl: nothing big. just weed and amf and some other smaller things I tried once in a while. not worth it. and not for long, just a cuple of years
MrAlarming: You seem to have had a wild life. Your remind me of Corey Tailor
IdenticalEarl: who is that? well my life has not been easy but it has made me the one I am today and I am happy with that :)
MrAlarming: Lead singer of slipknot and when he was young he left his parents and got drug problems (Like cocaine at 13) He also lost his virginity at 12.
IdenticalEarl: oooh that is worse than me.
MrAlarming: Google Corey Taylor neck
| 16 | 183.1875 | |
1408904412 | 1409186253 | t3_2egll7 | t5_2to41 | 15 | ApacheThunder: TIFU by trying to make friends
Okay so this wasn't today but last week at school. I am usually anti-social but wanted to make new friends this year since there would be new people. I thought it would be difficult just talk to them. There was this one pretty cool guy I met (not giving his name) and I tried to be his friend. So the day went pretty good talked to different people. Then 8th period came by. He sits right behind me and we started talking. I was faceing forward the entire time just carrying on the conversation when he said " man my leg hurts" without missing a beat I turn around with a straight face and ask" which one"....bad call. He responds with "the only one I have" I then look down to see he has a prosthetic leg. My face dropped and apologized repeatedly. I had never noticed it before. He was cool with it so that's good but I still felt like a total dick.
jway311: Just don't sing katy perry around him and you'll be ok...
*it's going down..I'm yelling* **timbeeeerrrr**
Phlack: That's Ke$ha.
jway311: fuck. who cares it's all terrible
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1408904329 | 1408912153 | t3_2eglh4 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Inquesince89: TIFU by being drunk in a small town
Okey.. So.. This is my first tifu-post (please be gentle..) English is not my first language, so once again, be gentle. This tifu happened about 5 years ago. I had been working as a maniac on some tough shifts (I am a registered nurse) and all of a sudden I got a text about a birthday party. Sure! I needed to blow off some steam, so I went home, ran through the shower and brought my beloved whisky with me. This is where the tifu starts. I had not been eating all day at work. Aaaand kind of forgot to eat when I was at home too.
So I go to the party, enjoy my time. And after 1 glass, everything was black. “Great time! Don’t remember shit!”
I wake up, in my grandmother’s house, in my coat, not remembering anything. I go downstairs, and I see my shoes in the hallway. Covered in puke. Yum yum… I call my friend who had been at that party, I was by that time raging because I couldn’t figure who the hell had puked in my shoes. After hysterical laughs, she starts to talk. Apparently I was sitting in the backyard, sitting in a plastic boat, singing “In the navy!” waving with a cigar and my trusted (by then half-empty bottle) of whisky. I managed to deflate the damn boat by stabbing it with my cigar and then fun was over. So I staggered to the fence, over to one of the neighbours and screamed for the moose, God and Satan. Yes, I was puking my guts out, in the neighbours’ backyard. I realized later that THAT neighbour is my grandmothers’ friend. A 95 year old lady. Who had called my grandmother, telling her I had been fertilizing her flowers. Because OFCOURSE she woke up, when someone was puking outside her house.
I still hide when I see that old lady in the streets. Yes, the god damn woman is nearly 100 years old now, and STILL remembers the one who puked her guts out in the old lady’s backyard.
TL;DR: Drunk. Do not remember shit,I apparently puked in an old lady’s backyard. Hurray for living in a small town where everyone knows my grandmother….
Malamutewhisperer: A nurse who like whiskey, cigars, and playing in inflatable boats.
Until "..."STILL remember the one who puked her guts out..." I thought you were a rare male nurse.
Nope, the more rare female with a good job who likes whiskey, cigars and playing in inflatable boats!
I want to be in the vicinity while you're drinking. I don't have any flower garden, so I should be safe.
Inquesince89: Do you have an inflatable boat ? :D
Malamutewhisperer: Crap, I do! I think one inflatable boat will be worth it anyway.
Inquesince89: Omw! Hang on. I don't know how I'll get the good cigars through that stupid system you have in the US xD ...
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1408906038 | 1408992384 | t3_2ego24 | t5_2to41 | 631 | Syn_Claire: TIFU by allowing my girlfriend to meet my Nazi ex-boyfriend.
I'm posting this on a new account, I don't know if this will be a throwaway, but I thought this requires a fresh start.
**This is going to be quite a long one, so grab your virtual popcorn!**
*A little backstory*
A couple of years ago I befriended this guy who I met on WoW, he was a guild member like me and after the end of the Wrath of the Lich King expansion we decided to meet in person (We had known each other for around 2 years or so and we never met in person, even though we lived in the same city). We hit it off and fast forward a few months or so and I moved in with him. I had quit WoW at the time and he still played casually, as we were both working part time.
I didn't know it at the time but one evening visiting his parents he wanted to show me something in his old bedroom. This one room, in this gorgeous 1920s town house that his mother and younger sister lived in, was turned into a treasure trove of Nazi/White Power/Far-Right memorabilia. Swastikas, Pictures of dead children from concentration camps, lynching, drawings and depictions of Hitler and "how to deal with subhumans" dotted the walls of this once beautiful room.
Yup, I was dating a once closeted Neo-Nazi. Idiotically, I didn't make much of it, and nodded along the tour of his house even though I felt awful inside and just wanted to leave.
That night we we're having a BBQ. Me, Him, his mother and younger sister, his uncle and aunt and a few family friends, all neo-nazis, eating burgers and drinking beer. I didn't want to be a part of it at all, so I spent most of my time in the corner of the garden smoking cigarettes watching my boyfriend tell his uncle about how "this country is going astray, we need a revolution to counter these hordes of n-words and p-words" and other stomach churning stuff.
Then it happened.
He calls for silence so he can make a speech. He points to me, and says "That'll be my wife someday, and one day she will bless me with two beautiful Nordic, pure, white children." (Just a side note, I'm half Norwegian, half English living in a country that is neither the UK nor Norway)
I just went into autopilot. I thought I was dreaming. I freak out and run through the garden, through the house, and charge down the street. I can hear them shouting my name, just thinking to myself "it's okay, it's okay". After a short while I make it back to our apartment, grabbed some essentials, and went to stay at a friends where I knew he couldn't find me. I blocked his number, blocked him on every form of communication, blocked his family, his friends, everyone related to him.
Two months pass, and I'm still at my friends. I hadn't heard from him since, and I found a new, better paying job. At this time I started university. I started experimenting. Turns out, I'm a lesbian. Fast forward another year or so and I'm dating this wonderful woman who I shall refer to as S.
*Back to the near-present*
Me and S now live together while doing our final years of our degree. S comes from a rather strict Muslim household, having been kicked out for telling her extremely conservative Dad that she's a lesbian. Because of this, S isn't a fan of authority, especially authority coming from a man. She's tough and she has a certain set of values, and she doesn't take shit from people who are in the wrong. We're discussing one night over dinner about how we both realised who we were sexually, and the topic of my ex-boyfriend comes up. I omit his political and social views, and just spoke about how he dragged me into something I didn't like or want, purposely being vague.
*Last Week*
Last week I received a phone call. Guess who managed to track me down, and guess who wants to meet me over coffee, as he is a 'changed man'. After hearing him blabber on the phone for nearly a half hour, I reluctantly agree, ONLY if S is allowed to come, to prove that he can be mature about me dating another woman and to prove he was a 'changed man' with modern views.
So me and S are sitting down in the coffee shop, and I see him walk in. He's changed for the worse. Tattoos all over his arms, a shaven head, big black boots, you know the deal. He's looking around, trying to find me. I shyly beckon him over, and he's got the biggest grin on his face. And not the "omg I missed you how have you been grin" but the shit eating grin.
And then he see it. He see's S's hijab.
"I knew you were a lesbian and I can accept that, but why would you date such filth?"
S stays silent.
I'm silent too, albeit embarrassed and ashamed.
He goes and gently pushes S's head to one side, tugging at her hijab.
"I mean look at this sh-"
Boom.
S whacks him right in the nose. And then in the genitals. Hard. While yelling in Persian at his face. All I can hear now is yelling and gasping from others within the coffee shop, and the muffled coughing of my ex trying to cover his bleeding nose, keeling over the bench we were once sitting at. S brazenly storms out of the coffee shop, and down the road back to our car. I reluctantly follow, mildly shell shocked, and would have stood there watching onlookers tend to my ex if it wasn't for S grabbing my arm.
It's now been a week since this happened, and S doesn't seem phased by it, though I can tell she's fuming inside, but not at me. I haven't heard from him, either, which is slightly worrying in all honesty.
TL;DR I'm a naive idiot who allowed my Muslim girlfriend to meet my neo Nazi ex boyfriend, resulting in one bruised fist, and possibly a broken nose.
stufoor: Dude. Your S.O. ROCKS! I am so glad that you get to be with someone who does not take shit from anyone, ESPECIALLY from someone insulting her without knowing her and touching her without her permission. Health and happiness to you both! And PS, try and emulate her some and don't take shit from anyone!
Weefs: Yo, she kind of assaulted a person. I'm not saying I wouldn't have done the same, but these kinds of things don't really deserve retrospective praise.
superfluidity: coming at me with an aggressive mindset and touching me without my permission, who's assaulting who?
Jophuss26: Touching a piece of clothing is not assault... It's infuriating but not assault.
snickerpops: Look up assault on Wikipedia:
>In common law, assault is the act of creating apprehension of an imminent harmful or offensive contact with a person.[1]
He also committed battery -- again from Wikipedia:
>Simple battery may include any form of non-consensual harmful or insulting contact, regardless of the injury caused.
The guy pushed her head to the side, so that qualifies as insulting contact, especially since he is literally insulting her while he is doing it.
Since her garment is there for modesty, his tugging at it while insulting her is also insulting contact.
Jophuss26: Harmful contact... Unless clothing somehow fused to her skin and it was painful... You just proved me right.
UNICY: Or insulting, can you not read?
Jophuss26: Can you not? Followed by that it refers to injury. Not feelings being hurt.
UNICY: It says regardless of the perceived injury, are you really this stupid or just trolling? In virtually all jurisdictions in the US, unpermitted contact that is offensive is deemed injurious. How daft are you?
Jophuss26: Perceived... Injury. I think these are two words you don't understand. One, there was I injury. Feelings don't count. Perceived, just cause she believed this does not make it an actuality.
UNICY: Literally you could not be more wrong under the law. If you intend to touch someone, and then you do touch someone without their consent, and they subjectively find it offensive, then by law you have caused an injury. That is statutorily how injury is defined, so in fact you are the one that does not understand what it means.
Jophuss26: Nah you're just on some feminist bullshit. If the roles were switched and a guy did this to a gay guy, it would be a hate crime. Even if the "assault"was initiated by the gay guy by him touching the straight guys clothing. The double standard is bullshit. Take care with your femcirclejerk
UNICY: LOL, I don't give two shits about feminism, I'm just telling you that you are wrong, under the law. You may think words mean things, but what you think a word might mean in legal context is irrelevant.
This is a situation where you've got a clearly marked Neo-Nazi doing something a reasonable person in his shoes would likely know is offensive, with intent, without permission. It's reasonable to believe the lady here feared serious bodily injury or harm, due to the fact that the gentleman was already willing to do her tortious injury through battery, at which point she has the right to use self defense.
If a gay neo-nazi walked up and let's say knocked a Sikh's headdress off, which is a similar situation, instead of using your ridiculous straw man, and the Sikh threw down, no I don't think anyone would think that is a hate crime.
| 14 | 45.071429 | |
1408906943 | 1408968930 | t3_2egpfp | t5_2to41 | 6 | jony_bobo: TIFU by getting greedy
Guitarknowitall: TIFU by trying to sell used computer parts and not understanding how resale works.
jony_bobo: Heh, believe me, I've had my fare share of selling used PC parts :)
TheWin420: Not since 3 weeks ago eh?
jony_bobo: Actually I have :p
Been trying to sell my my PC parts to get some extra cash for a holiday in a couple of days :)
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1408902362 | 1408922432 | t3_2egibl | t5_2to41 | 7 | thelonescone: TIFU by getting stuck at the bottom of a hill
So I suppose this did happened today in the wee hours of the morn. My buddy got dumped the other day by his gf so a bunch of us decide to go out last night to help him forget. We end up at a party and are having a good time, I about at my limit and have wisely stopped drinking, until someone hands me a bottle of SoCo to drink. Like a fool I do. Things get pretty hazy after that, I played some beer pong for a while I think, smoked a cig, and ended up outside to take a piss. I head over behind their garage to relieve my self. Its quite an incline back there come to find out, and after I finish peeing on the side of the garage and turn to go back I apparently loose my balance and tip over falling to the bottom of the hill. I puked a few times at this point, tried to get back up, but found that to require more coordination then I had. My buddy then calls me to leave, and because Im a fucking idiot, I apparently tell him I bummed a ride home already for some reason known only to drunk me. I lay there in vomit and misery for a while dozing off, and then around 430AM I woke up and decided a bed would be more comfortable, so I tried calling my friend to come pick me. He did not answer, so I was like alright fuck it Ill walk home. It was a bit further then thought, but at around 6AM I complete my 4.5 mile trek home. After I get home I discover my face is significantly cut up and bruised from the fall down the hill. It literally looked like I got jumped this morning. And now I get to go to work like this tomorrow, hurray. But at least I got a neat traffic cone out of it that I stole on my way home and a story
Malamutewhisperer: I....I just CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!
Even extremely drunk you knew how bad this TIFU was and chose staying in the ditch over facing anyone at that moment
HAHAHAHAHA
Oh my GAWD! Seriously. Thank you for sharing that! My 5 year old is wondering why daddy is laughing and kind of crying, wait 'til she hears this shit!
thelonescone: Why thank you sir glad you enjoyed it
Foreigncarwhipper: Traffic cone for memory
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1408909528 | 1408959666 | t3_2egtco | t5_2to41 | 32 | Fs316: TIFU by taking a walk
So today I decided to take a walk im my neighborhood in the blazing Florida sun with some of my music. And about a hour in to the walk im sweating like a condensing water bottle. Sweat dripping from my chin, ears, everywhere, and i was craving some cold water. So I decided to go back home and cure my thirst.
Unknowingly I went down the street of where my crush lives who we will call Vanessa, but due to my mouth being drier than a hobo's elbow, I didn't even notice. So im halfway up the street getting closer and closer to the holy grail. And then felt someone yanking my shoulder like lawn mower, and it woke me from my waterless induced state and startled the hell out of me.
Now due to me being scared easily and,well it being Florida, my intial reflex was to swing my arm as fast I can and **WHAM** I hit something.
Then I turned around..... it was was Vanessa. I just hit my crush right in the fucking chest. She was trying to catch her breath for a full minute. I and I just stared, dumbfounded at what I just did, I said I was sorry and everything she said it was okay and walked back inside, still holding her chest.
Holy fucking shit I feel dirty as hell for doing that what the hell do I do now?!?
**TL;DR** Took a walk, crush scared me, Gave her a chris brown reflex punch to the chest, scared her off
**Edit:** Oh we cool now. About to head over to her house for a bbq. I hope i don't fuck this up some how.
oodie1127: Established dominance, alpha as fuck.
Caramel_thot: OP marked his territory, she is his now, for he is ready to mate
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1408909020 | 1409000531 | t3_2egslf | t5_2to41 | 2,044 | nionix: TIFU by giving my WiFi password to the neighbor.
6 months ago, I fucked up by giving out my WiFi password. Think about how many people have your WiFi password. 98% of the friends that come over have it on their phone, maybe you've lent it out to a neighbor in need, or maybe you're a brave soul with an open network. Let me be your hard lesson.
Two days ago, I woke up at 5:50 AM to get ready for work. I turned on the shower, and stepped in. Immediately, someone starts SLAMMING on the door.
"NIONIX, NIONIX'S ROOMMATE, THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE A WARRANT AND ARE COMING IN."
I stumble putting my boxers on - hurredly, I manage to put them on backwards just before my roommate, in a panic, opened the door. 20+ cops in what looked like riot gear flooded into the house. One grabbed my arm as I was reaching for pants and dragged me outside, where I was met with a camera crew and bright lights. What the fuuuuuuuck.
They grab all hard drives and media devices including our phones and take them out while we stand on the sidewalk, freaking out.
They lead us back inside and sit us on the couch. They serve us with a warrant littered with references to child porn, writings about child porn and soliciting minors. What the fuuuuuuuck.
Finally I get my pants, and we are both grilled by the investigator separately in a mobile van where they are searching through our hard drives. I worry that my personal stash is somehow child porn-y, or torrents had hidden shit for some stupid reason as they question me about Craigslist (I had one date off there years ago, I tell them), 4Chan (Jeez, back in my stupid rage against the world days), 9Lolita (I can guess..), and a specific email address that I'm pretty sure is an old child porn ring.
After 2 hours of sweating and stressing that we somehow incurred this wrath, they tell us they traced a hit from Missing or Abused Children to our router IP address. It dawns on us - we aren't the only ones who use it. I tell them that we gave our password to our neighbor and he has chipped in on it a few times.
The lead investigator's response: "Oh Jesus, whyyyyyy would you do THAT?!"
I mean, I dunno.. he was a nice dude. Clean cut, hip and pretty girlfriend. I didn't care, I guess people who don't do stuff like that don't think about it too much.
Long story semi-shorter: they got a warrant for him, grabbed him and his drives and found 700+ images of child porn, including toddler rape. One cop said they recognized him from some of the photos so he may have been also getting on Craigslist to get minors and take photos with them. All through our router, so a special unit tracked us for weeks and finally busted through our door, resulting in the most humiliating moment of my life so far.
I asked Fox not to use me in my backwards underwear, but of course they did in the video. I will not post the video unless I'm given admin approval - it names the neighbor which breaks the TIFU rules.
I've felt dirty, used and exploited by both the neighbor and Fox News. But I might as well use them back and get some comment karma!
TL;DR: Gave WiFi password to neighbor who downloaded/sent child porn and we got raided for it.
Edit: I would also like to mention that as a warning for everyone else: we got it light. My city has a mobile unit that can scan for their evidence in a matter of minutes/hours whereas cities without one would confiscate ALL of your media devices for up to 8 months. We would be labeled child predators and under investigation for 8 months!!! Also - think about if someone searched for guns, how to make bombs, Homeland Security stuff... the cops/government agents would be pretty rough when coming through the door. Let my idiocy be your example.
Edit 2: You guys really like boxer briefs.
The_Insatiable_Duck: Damn that's some scary shit! Did fox name you personally ? Are you afraid of this effecting your future job prospects? Even though your innocent the media has away of manipulating the truth.
nionix: The video is incredibly humiliating and depicts us as child predators while I'm mostly naked and then switches gears. It made me very depressed when I saw it. It doesn't name me or show my face but everyone I know knows its me, but not a job threat. Sorry for quick response I am now at work on my phone e
smegma_stan: Wait, so even after you were cleared, FOX still put the video up? I haven't seen it so I don't know in what context they are using it, but if they are labeling you (even nameless) as a child predator/pedo, then you have a right to sue them for wrongfully representing you.
praisecarcinoma: Probably not since he wasn't specifically named or his facial identity shown. I would think the only way he could is if he had people testify on his behalf that it was easy to identify him regardless of those facts based on certain things like as if they stated his location, anything non-facial documented in video (tattoos, scars, etc). Just seems like a long shot.
nionix: This. Its shaky grounds and I would rather not give myself more awful publicity by making it bigger than it already is (minus of course the obligatory Reddit post) and living it out for longer than it is.
venuswasaflytrap: Go to a rival news agency and point out the shoddy reporting. And do an interview or something.
nionix: Oh shit. I could maybe get a couple bucks for that. Noice.
dongsonaplane: Also, more exposure as the "guy that gave a pedophile his wifi password". There is a chance random people would think you are gullible (not that they wouldn't give their password to an average looking guy), and worst case scenario is some knuckle head fond of conspiracies thinking you got money to cover that guy's ass.
Better let it be, there is nothing harming your reputation now (just some bitterness that fox showed you in your underwear). Plus they said you were a victim of your neighbour, if that is of any comfort to you. If your goal is to raise awareness and be in some sort of PSA, then follow up on that, if not... why bother?
Malamutewhisperer: Respectfully disagree. I think more people would think "holy shit...never thought MY neighbor would do that either!".
OP described him as a cool enough guy with a pretty gf. Not some shady, un-bathed guy in a trenchcoat.
People like Bernie Madoff get away with things like that so long because most people would rather take the loss, than face the embarrassment of the loss.
dongsonaplane: And why do you compare this with Bernie Madoff? The criminal is in jail, the report tells the story the way it unravelled (even though it could very well go without the twist): the real criminal is in jail, the report made it clear OP was a victim of his neighbour and his identity was not revealed (correct me if I am wrong). There is no information that is hidden from society. If OP wants to get some retribution for being shown in his underwear, he will have to go to another news station show his face and reveal his identity making people aware of the first video (call it the Streisand effect if you wish). And since the whole thing is about OP being concerned about his image I pointed out the negative reactions (even if scarce) he will possibly get but this time the people will have a face and a name to connect them to. And I, in no way say OP was gullible or at fault, but it is virtually impossible to have all people believe a news report or react the same way. And OP should be aware of all the attention (positive and negative) he will receive before he acts.
| 11 | 185.818182 | |
1408910842 | 1408986122 | t3_2egvez | t5_2to41 | 147 | throwthetifuaway: TIFU by peeing in a man's mangina
Right so six months ago I was browsing CL, looking for hookups, and as anyone who does this probably knows you get very few girls responding but lots of guys. Anyway this one older man responds and says he has a very odd fetish but will pay me $100 to do it to him. i had just lost my job and was supporting a vicodin habit so as wary as I was I said yes.
Well his fetish is something he calls his "mangina," like vagina but mangina. He got on the floor and wedged his cheeks between the couch and a cabinet, it compressed into a slit like a vagina. it was never full penetration just rubbing my member around about half an inch in, he loved it and paid every time. very weird for me but i was usually hopped up on vikes and just pretended it was a woman.
well anyway two days ago we're doing the mangina thing, and in the middle of it he says hes been thinkign about this new thing, where he wants me to pee into his butt hole. I'm like ok, he unwedges himself and opens it up goatse style. i go flat pretty quick because ugh, making it easy to pee, so i let it go. as some of you may know the butthole is not a good liquid holder and it just ends up spilling everywhere. he freaks out and spins around and pushes me away and i fall against the granite counter still peeing, make a huge mess everywhere and i hit so hard it knocked his cat off.
Obviously this is a huge mess and it ruins everything so I just hurridly threw on my clothes and left. ended up driving to the other side of indianapolis and sipping merlot behind the KFC just off the exit ramp.
tl;dr peed in a mangina
[deleted]: That's enough internet for today.
sykonaut92: I barely got back on reddit and I agree
TheWin420: Same here, and I just discovered this subreddits, goddamn.
sykonaut92: Lol I'm just going to avoid this subreddit for a while
moustachemall: .....what the actual fuck. :closes laptop:
honeingin: I think im gonna need a break from reddit for awhile...
| 7 | 21 | |
1408911245 | 1408911989 | t3_2egw0u | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accepting a free drink with a laxative in it
evelynsmee: Post poop, worst ride ever?
ThatGuySmoking: Yes Worst ride I'll ever have
evelynsmee: My face is doing this thinking of you having to clean your leathers: 😦 😨 😲 😰
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1408911834 | 1409180208 | t3_2egwwl | t5_2to41 | 5 | Sally-Rouge: TIFU by trying to make a GIANT batch of cannabutter
Stupidass666: What is AVB?
Sally-Rouge: Already Vaped Bud - it's the stuff left over from using a vaporizer.
Stupidass666: Ahh... I used to throw mine out. Never considered making butter with it!
Sally-Rouge: It works really well, you just need more of it. We used about 2oz per cup of butter. It seriously kicks your ass at that concentration though, so fair warning.
| 5 | 1 | |
1408915052 | 1408929568 | t3_2eh1va | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with a friend.
So this happened Friday night but dealt with it last night/this morning. Recently I was made aware one of my good friends has taken a liking to me. It also happens to be one of my best friends ex girlfriend.. I met her through him and she is also my roommates bestfriend. We've been friends for almost 2 years and they have been broken up for around 7 or so months. I was made aware she was into me around a month or two ago. But I do not see her as a girlfriend. I see her as a friend and as one of my best friends exes.
Fast forward to last week, roommates go out of town and she stays over for a few days taking care of their dog. Nothing happens during the few days she was here because I don't really want a relationship/see her in the girlfriend way. I made it known to my roommates that I wasn't interested in dating her but I guess she never found out.
Ok so Thursday comes around and she asks to join me in my room. I say yes so we start hooking up soon after making out. Then comes Friday night same thing happens except we decide to go all the way tonight, fun was had ok she goes home. Then comes the hey so are you guys going to start dating now? Questions.. My answer: Nope I want to just stay FwB.
Roommates response... Oh.. Well she REALLY likes you and wants to start dating. I mean you guys practically are already...
Me: We are? I thought we were just having fun we never talked about a relationship or anything so I wasn't assuming that was the situation.
Blah blah blah you need to tell her how you feel..
K so I don't really mention it until she kind of brings it up after talking to my roommate. She says the same thing my roommate says about that we were pretty much dating already and all that jazz. I tell her I really don't see a relationship with her and that I thought we were just friends having fun.
She starts crying I start to cuddle with her in my bed, where the conversation was taking place,not sexual just as consoling and she says that like right there that makes her feel that this was a relationship. I interpreted it all as being friends and didn't mean to lead her on. Which I honestly didn't want to do to her.
I felt like shit obviously and she slept on the couch at around 2am and I went out for a drive after until around 4:30am
I'd like to add that what I did I feel was wrong and that I led her on but I also feel wrong for hooking up with a best friend's ex. And he is taking a week of leave and is coming home for a next week..
TL;DR: hooked up with a best friend's ex that had feelings for me and wanted to have a relationship with me. I interpreted it as a FwB situation and regret the outcome and banging one of my best friend's exes too.
Yung_Don: Don't feel bad man. Sometimes you fuck someone and wires get crossed, people interpret things differently. This'll blow over quicker than you think.
MazdaGunner: Thanks man, I just feel like a dick because I essentially used her and feel really bad and she was clearly upset, and that was the first time I've made a girl cry and hopefully the last...
PIRATEghost85: Dont get your hopes up. Girls cry over everything.
MazdaGunner: I don't understand it I can name 3 times in my 21 years other than being a baby that I have legitimately cried.
PIRATEghost85: You married yet?
MazdaGunner: Ha marriage that's just what I need..
PIRATEghost85: There will be tears.
| 8 | 2.125 | |
1408914600 | 1408966514 | t3_2eh16y | t5_2to41 | 536 | ZeusZorn: TIFU by being in a good mood and deciding to text my fav girl...
>Me: Mew :33
>Her: I'm not in the right mood, my cat died today.
Edit: Guys, I don't care about being "manly" at all. She's a cat fanatic and usually loves stuff like this. Unless her cat died.
Actual_Lady_Killer: "Don't you mean you're not in the mood right, Meow?"
umop_episdn_: Oh no. Not this. You've got to be kitten me.
korvalola: I'm not feline like that really.
Actual_Lady_Killer: Do you need a Puuuur-scription?
ZeusZorn: Sry, didn't want to make you fur-ious
korvalola: After all, it's not catastrophic.
Daniel-H: It is an interesting *tail,* though.
monochrome83: OMFG, this is litter-ally getting on my nerves....
Castrate: Cat.
ZeusZorn: Well played.
| 11 | 48.727273 | |
1408917366 | 1408978318 | t3_2eh5hs | t5_2to41 | 2 | Zirzvensk: TIFU by checking my old facebook account
Oh god the cringe, really ruined my day
:(
xwarrr: Whenever you think whatever you've done in the past is cringe worthy, just look at Miley Cyrus' recent pictures
sennzz: she looks way hotter now than before (maybe the sluttiness has smth to do with it)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408916918 | 1408992271 | t3_2eh4sa | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by moaning my ex's name during oral with my new guy (nsfw)
This happened just a couple hours ago and I feel awful and super embarrassed.
So, my ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. I had lost my virginity to him and he was the only guy I had done anything sexual with (oral, fingering, etc). I started seeing a new guy just a couple weeks ago and today we did oral stuff for the first time. I was laying on the couch and he went down on me and it was amazing and I was getting really into it, moaning and talking and all that (I'm quite vocal during sex). At one point during my moaning, my ex's name slipped out...and their names are not similar at all.
It took me a second to realize what I'd said and I wasn't sure if he'd heard it but I immediately tried to cover it up by saying something along the lines of "oh fuck [*insert correct name here*] you're so good" and loudly so he would definitely hear that. He acted pretty normal after but he's not the type to confront awkward conversations so he may have heard it and is just keeping it to himself but it's eating me up inside!
TLDR: moaned my ex's name during oral with my new guy; I'm not sure if he heard but I feel awful nonetheless.
TheLegionVast: Didn't think this actually happened.
danielfromparis: yea, it has happened to me several times, not so uncommon
TheLegionVast: Trying to decide whether that would bother me or not.
BulldawzerG6: As long as the girl doesn't call you daddy, it's fine.
i_pk_pjers_i: Actually, some people like that.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: See, that's something I never really liked.
I mean... sibling, yes. Aunts, yes. Cousins, yes. Fuck, even parents, sure.
Just don't say "daddy." Only 8 year old girls say daddy. I'm not fucking an 8 year old, you're my daughter.
| 7 | 4.142857 | |
1408912653 | 1409015094 | t3_2egy6a | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by not knowing how the E-brake on a manual car works
This happened about 13 years ago, almost to the day. My friend who is involved called me today and brought it up, which has given life to this post.
In suburban northern New Jersey, when you need a quick snack, smokes, a drink, etc. you go to 7-11. The 7-11 in my town was positioned in a weird way. You will need to know this for the story to make sense.
The 7-11 parking lot has a slope to it which empties out onto a street. So if you're facing the 7-11 and driving up, you can drive straight into the parking lot going through the traffic light. There is also a street that runs perpendicular, that the traffic light controls the flow of as well. The perpendicular street is the main street of the town and always has a steady flow of traffic no matter the time of day. Also at the traffic light, if you are facing the 7-11, with it being directly in front of you, directly to your left there is a large Exxon gas station. I drew a quick diagram of the important things, which you can view here, hopefully if my explanation didn't make sense this will. http://i.imgur.com/WyrzpfJ.jpg
So to the story. We had been driving around smoking pot, which we were known to do at this point in our lives. My friend who from now on will be referred to as "Joe", had a certain affinity towards that beautiful treat known as a Charleston Chew. He had just gotten a new Jeep Wrangler, raised, rims, lights, the whole deal. His parents were very well off, and this was the car he had been dreaming of since we were kids. So he says he needs a Charleston and we begin the drive to 7-11.
When we pull in he, as he usually did, parked diagonally like an asshole and took up 2 spots. He was high. I was high. It's just what he would do. The Wrangler, was a manual car, and neither of us had much experience with manual cars at this point. I had never driven one, and he had only learned how to drive manual about 3 weeks prior to the purchase of this car. He asks me if I want anything, I say no, and he walks in to get his holy grail.
It had been raining all day and was the rain was beginning to pick up again as he left the car. I noticed this and thought to close my window. For some reason, unbeknownst to me (read: Because I was High as shit), I slid over in the seat so the rain would not get on me while I rolled up the window. In doing this, I hit the stick shift into gear and the car started rolling back slowly.
Instinctively I tried yanking on the stick and nothing I was doing was making it stop. I opened the door and jumped out and ran behind the car and tried to stop it with brute force. I don't know why I did this, but I did. Obviously the car kept rolling, but the problem was that it was raining, the 7-11 had recently been paved, and the ground was extremely slick. I started to slip and I took 3 or 4 steps back to compose myself. As I took a step forward, my foot flew up and I landed on my back.
At this point I have no idea what I was thinking. I look up right before I was going to sit up and see the car is still rolling at me, now picking up pace. I put my head back down, and luckily because the car had been raised, it rolled right over my sad, marijuana laden body and into the street. I sit up and turn my head to see it is rolling into the Exxon, directly towards a gas pump.
I turn back around and I see Joe in the window of the 7-11 witnessing this. He throws whatever he had in his hand down, sprints out the door, into the car, and jumps in the drivers seat. I am not speaking hyperbolically when I tell you that the car was within 3 feet of hitting a gas pump when jumped in. He turned the car on, drove back to the 7-11 and parked again. I got up and got in the passenger seat and we both sat their silently for a few moments.
"Dude, do you really not know how the emergency brake works? Why the fuck didn't you pull on it?" It dawned on me, that all I had to do was pull up the brake and the car would have stopped, but being as I was so used to automatic's where the E-brake is only used on hills, I didn't even think to do it (read: I was too high to think of that). "I'm going to get my snacks, don't touch anything." He runs back inside to pay for what he dropped on the floor. As this is going on, I step outside of the car to have a delicious Newport to calm my nerves. I see that nobody at either intersection has gone anywhere and many people were out of there cars staring at me.
I wave, stupidly to them, and they start clapping. One of the people walks up to me and asks me what movie we are filming because they can't see any cameras and the terror on my face looked so real. I chuckled nervously and said that I had made a mistake and we weren't filming anything. The lady, perplexed, says "Oh, wow, that was really stupid" and walks away. Joe comes back out, we get in the car, and drive off.
This story is 100% true, I don't know why but whenever me and Joe would hang out, especially in high school, something ridiculous like this would happen. I'm not sure if this story translates well in text, but it was truly one of the most absurd and funny experiences of my life. All because I had no idea how to properly use an E-brake on a manual car.
EDIT for grammar.
witandlearning: I'm confused - did your friend seriously not put the handbrake on when he left the car? He just left it with no brake on? That's...kinda your friends fault, not yours.
dmt13: Yes, he had just left it in 1st and got out the car. My friend was never the most responsible person, bless his heart.
Grennith: Nothing wrong with parking with no handbrake on as long as the spot you park allows you to. In case anything happen you're at fault since a handbrake could've helped. The only reason the car started rolling was because OP switched to neutral/out of any gear and therefore there was no resistance.
witandlearning: That might be true, but it's fucking sloppy to not put it on. Any time I pull up/park somewhere - handbrake on, gear into neutral, indicators off. It's how I was taught, and thinking about it, I don't know a single person who parks their car, even somewhere flat like a multi-storey, who doesn't put the handbrake on. Too much risk - what if a car smashes into you from behind, and you just keep moving forwards, or your car moves forward into the car in front?
SwedishBoatlover: > handbrake on, gear into neutral
That's not the correct way to park though, you're supposed to park the car with gear 1 engaged, or even the reverse gear if parking on a steep slope (and then the front wheels should be turned so the car won't roll out into the traffic *if* it starts rolling anyway), *not* neutral! Handbrakes/emergency brakes can fail (it's commonly just a wire), parking it in gear and engaging the hand brake gives you a double safety. The *only* people I've met that parks their manual cars in neutral are americans. But then, most americans I've met (quite a lot seeing how I've lived in Miami Beach) have mostly driven automatics, and don't really know how to use a manual properly.
witandlearning: That's weird! My instructor always taught me that I needed to go into neutral, and my friends my age (22) do too. But so do my mum and dad, and they're 52, so it's definitely not an age thing. And since I live in the UK, and don't know a single person who drives an automatic, it can't be a case of not using a manual properly. Hmm.
Might ask around on Facebook to see how everyone I know parks! This has got me intrigued!
| 7 | 6.285714 | |
1408879522 | 1408937119 | t3_2efrl8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | AceBobcat: TIFU by jerkin' one in the shower. NSFW
This was actually a year or so ago.
So, a little back story. I'm a 23 year old bi dude with a history of seizures. I haven't had one since I was 14 after my 2nd brain surgery.
There was a time in my life where I once masturbated in the shower often. I don't anymore for this reason.
One day I was especially horny, and so I thought to myself "I haven't jerked off in the shower for a while, so what the fuck!" I decided to proceed to the shower because I also needed a shower. Being naked in the shower felt so refreshing and freeing, and that only made my quench for orgasm that much stronger. After a while, I started to feel lightheaded for a moment, but it went away as fast as it came, so I ignored it. After another while, the same thing happened. Finally, the moment I'd been building up to, the "climax" of our story, if you will.
So it happens, I came. It was "meh" at best. Pretty anticlimactic to be honest. Of course, I couldn't really enjoy it because I began to feel myself drift in and out of consciousness. I drift out, and then back in, and I think "Boy I'm tired." Drift out and in again, as I feel myself moving forward towards the floor. "Am I falling? Oh fuck, this is probably gonna hurt."
Thumpity thump.
It's at this point I should mention that my mother is an avid smoker, and that she was in the garage smoking at the time. Knowing this, by the time I woke up with my face on the floor and the bottom half of my legs still in the tub, I heard the sound of my mother calling my name. I stumbled to my feet and peeked out the bathroom door to see my mother at the bottom of the stairs. Now, judging by how long it would take for her to hear the noise, process it, wonder what the fuck it was, put down her cigarette and walk to the bottom of the staircase, I'd say I was out for a good 15 seconds.
As what mothers tend to do, especially if their child has had a history of seizures, she asked if I was alright. I answered yes and came up with the excuse that I was dehydrated, because I wasn't going to tell her what actually happened.
Tl;dr: I fainted while jerking off in the shower.
S_W_Thurlow: My brother has managed to fall asleep whilst jacking off on atleast 2 occasions. I know this as my mother has found him asleep penis in hand 2 times. He still doesn't know my whole familly know about this
Friskyfarthole: Upvotes for your brother!
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1408920398 | 1408921892 | t3_2eha64 | t5_2to41 | 23 | imathrowawayofc: TIFU by telling my girlfriend to fuck off and slapping her
Honestly I couldn't think of a better title because my head is clouded up with shit.
For the past, like, year (almost 2 years) i've been depressed. I have had no energy to do anything, i've lost a bunch of friends and I often feel like my dog is my only companion, and I haven't bothered to do anything. I even went so far as to getting tired of it all a few months and chugging a bunch of bottles of beer, passing out and had to call in sick to work the next day. My mom always complains about how i'm 'fucking up my life' and i'm not 'me' and I told her she knew nothing about me last Christmas. I haven't talked with her since.
My girlfriend constantly wants to go out and do things she wants, but I can't because I don't have the energy. She then goes to my house and watches movies with me. I confronted her one night that she can leave me if she wants because this must all be boring for her, but she told me to shut up and she wouldn't be there if she didn't care.
Anyway, I started going to therapy and my therapist confirmed my suspicions and got me put on medication. Eventually, my girlfriend told me she didn't know if she wanted me anymore because of how 'not me' I had been the past 2 years or so (we've known eachother for 6 years and dated for 4 btw) and I came clean about my mental state and shit. She said she wanted to be with me every step of the way. We moved in together.
This morning, she said I should get up and do something, maybe it would make me more happy. I thought about it for a moment, and then said no. I'm lying in bed as I usually do on a weekend, trying to sleep, or something. I don't actually know what I try to do. And she comes in and says I need to do something to do, and as i'm about to tell her to go away, she kisses me, lies down on top of me, and I realize what she's about to do. I tell her I don't feel like it, and she tells me to be quiet. Usually, if it weren't for my meds, I would be turned on, but it wasn't working. I wasn't thinking straight, told her to fuck off and I slapped her on the face, and sent her flying off the side of the bed.
I get up and tell her i'm sorry and ask if she's okay, and she gets up, tears streaming down her face, pushes me away from her, and left. I drank a fuckton of beer after that and wanted to drink myself to death. Obviously, never worked :/
I'm pretty convinced she went to her parent's house and I want to get her back but I don't know what to do. I don't deserve her.
So... TIFU?
EDIT 1: I'm going to sleep. I feel like this 'incident' has spurred me on to try harder to fix whatever the fuck is wrong with me. Tomorrow, i'm going to attempt to get her back. But for now I need all this alcohol to get the hell out of me and for my thoughts to clear up. I'm going to fix this, somehow. And if I don't, well... i'll just have to wait and see what happens.
EDIT 2: I woke up about 20 minutes ago, feeling happy for some reason. I never took my medication for my depression, and i've been fine so far. This is the happiest i've been in awhile. I'm taking the advice of /u/Foreigncarwhipper and taking my dog for a walk. I head out in about an hour to talk to my girlfriend and attempt to convince her to come back to me. I don't know how i'm going to do it... but i'm going to try.
EDIT 3: I went to her parent's house and her dad answered. He told me I couldn't come in and I persisted. My girlfriend tells him its ok and comes outside and her dad tells me if I lay a finger on her he'll snap my neck. Me and my girlfriend talk about things on the picnic bench her parent's have in their front yard and we both admit to shit we've fucked up in recent months. She agrees to come back home with me. We're going out tonight for a, erm, romantic dinner which is something she's wanted to do with me for years (apparently if I fuck up there she's never going to stay with me D:) I have a few special surprises planned for her. I'll keep you guys updated :)
EDIT 4: We just had dinner at some fancy restaurant and I missed my opportunity to propose to her, because I don't know if its good for me (or her either). Still going to attempt to get laid tonight, since I haven't had sex in a long time because my medication suppresses arousal and since she wanted it so much yesterday... hah. Today has been a good day overall. Anyway, going to watch some movies with her now. I shall leave you with a selfie of me and her before going out, you know, because I looked nice according to her or something. http://i.imgur.com/CEFDNKL.jpg
EDIT 5: Got laid last night. It was good.
MrAlarming: Have you got a plan to fix this?
imathrowawayofc: No, not really. I could probably make it up on the spot, but i'm not the best at doing that.
MrAlarming: Before you come up with a plan you should probably stop drinking. Then try and talk to her.
imathrowawayofc: I just smashed all my alcohol in the back yard and binned all the glass and shit that was there. So now I can't drink.
Its for the best I think...
MrAlarming: Good, now get of Reddit and go fix this shit before its too late.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1408919092 | 1409092432 | t3_2eh890 | t5_2to41 | 223 | Bermuda_Jim: TIFU by taking too much magnesium
So I do this low carb diet thing (sup /r/keto ). Sometimes you get a bit low on magnesium and require supplements, and sometimes you get a bit constipated. Yesterday I took a laxative (phillips?) because I hadn't had good shits in about a week. I figured hey, if I were able to have a good bowel movement, I may scale in and be down some weight. Bragging rights are important to me.
So yesterday I took the laxative and had an small but okay bowel movement later that day.. I figured that was all it was going to do. Today I bought some magnesium supplements. I took one later in the afternoon. So it turns out that phillips laxatives contain a bunch of magnesium too.
At around 5pm today, I was lying on my bed (no pants. this is important to remember.) and I felt a bit of a pain in my stomach. I was talking to my fiancee over facebook messenger at the time, and I held my pain to type something- then grabbed my phone and the new dresden files book and went to put on some pants. Turns out the laxative was one of those over-time ones, and the magnesium I took must have collided with it.
Liquid shit rocketed out of my asshole onto the floor as soon as I got up. I grabbed an old hockey jersey I had sitting around and covered my junk and ran to the door, spraying a trail of shit water the entire way.
I slipped in the hot goo trying to make my way into the hallway and dropped my phone, yup, into shit. Made it to the toilet- the door still open, when I hear someone walking into the hallway.
It was my dog. I got up from the toilet to shoe her away from the poo water. Wrong move, it was still going. By the time it was over, I surveyed the damage. There was a solid trail of shit to the bathroom, shit on the walls where I stalled to open the door, shit on my clothes, shit on my hockey jersey, shit on my phone.
It took about 30 minutes to clean up the mess, and it will take a lifetime to restore my dignity.
edit: Stood on the scale: 3lbs above the last time I weighed myself.
edit: My first gold ever! It was all worth it! 10/10 would shit everywhere again.
tryptonite12: Is this perhaps a sign you should maybse make some changes in your diet? Severe constipation is not something that should be happening with a healthy diet.
Bermuda_Jim: Thats definitely true. I wasnt drinking nearly enough water it turns out.
tryptonite12: Work some fiber in there to. Seriously you should be crapping 1-2 times a day if you have a healthy diet.
fingerthief: That's not true at all, everyone is different.
Also, constipation as well as the squirts are common problems when first starting keto. It usually passes in a few weeks and everything returns to normal.
tryptonite12: Constipation is not healthy no matter who you are. To be frank if constipation or the "squirts" are side effects of a diet I would serially question whether it was truly good for your body.
fingerthief: Did you read my whole post? If you make any major change to your diet your body has to adapt, it generally goes away after a couple of weeks.
I'm not going to argue weather or not it's healthy, I've seen enough tests to know it's at least not any worse than a standard one.
In the end you're right though, If a diet made me constipated or have the squirts repeatedly even after I had been on it for a couple of weeks I would seriously reconsider.
Edit- Someone who is keto-adapted could easily go eat the standard diet full of carbs and then shit their brains out, it's all about throwing your body a curve ball and it having to adapt.
| 7 | 31.857143 | |
1408921895 | 1408995035 | t3_2ehcj4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | _marshmellon_: TIFU By getting wasted on the first date
Alright so this fuck up was a couple of days ago but I've been busy so here it is.
So I went on a date with this guy that I knew from high school, acquaintances shall we say, never really talked much. He picked me up from my apartment and we went to a bar so see his favorite cover band, had a couple of beers and an overall good time. Then we decided to go the bar that he works at to have some more drinks.
Commence fuck up.
We somehow decided that it would be a great idea to take some flaming Dr. Pepper shots, I'm not quite sure everything that's in them(amaretto? 151?) Who knows, some flaming shot that you drop into a beer and then chug. BIG mistake. I'm petite. 5'3. 115 lbs. And after 3 of these, I am FUCKED UP.
Enter blackout mode.
Apparently, I puked in his car. No memory of this but I'm sure it was sexy as fuck.
He then proceeds to walk to me to the door but seeing as he's also drunk leaves with my keys AND cell phone. I have vague memories of crying hysterically on my porch and my neighbor being like "What the actual fuck are you doing?!" To which I say "Leave me, I'm going to sleep out here" and then I proceeded to use my purse as a pillow. I live in a sketch ass neighborhood so everyone I've told is pretty surprised that I didn't die. Puked a couple more times and then woke up to the sun at 7am to do the walk of shame to the gas station down the street so I could call my dad to bring me my spare keys. I then walk back to my apartment and go back to sleep on the porch. Dad walks up to see me passed out covered in vomit and dirt looking like a "slutty hobo", tries to lecture me but I just take my keys and go inside so I can sleep for an hour before my 10 hour shift at work.
TL;DR Got wasted, puked in his car, got locked out of my apartment and had to sleep on the porch.
tourbillon18: BEEN THERE.
_marshmellon_: Which part? haha!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408921074 | 1408955506 | t3_2ehb7j | t5_2to41 | 162 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing my girlfriend to a seedy porn booth to fuck [Nsfw]
This happened about 8 months ago.
First time posting on TIFU
First a bit of background. My girlfriend is a bit of a country girl who has not been exposed to too much. She tends to think everything is innocent, even when it is so clearly not that I can't believe it.
Now we are in San Francisco being typical tourists and being young we are too cheap to have a hotel in the city. Still being young and it being a fairly new relationship we are both extremely horny.
We want to find somewhere to do the deed but each dressing room we tried felt too sketchy and there are people every-freakin-where in a city that big so a quite public place seemed impossible to find.
We see a sex shop and decide to look at some fun goodies which makes us extra horny. I see that the store has porn booths and I get a bright idea. (Having never used or been in one before)
I whisper some thoughts in my girls ear and she giggles and follows me into the back. We pass about 3 of 4 grungy looking men in their 40s standing in the hall but we are focused and find an empty room with a comfy chair.
The first thing my girlfriend does is ask me about the hole in the wall and I explain what a glory hole is and she says ewwww. She can't believe that people actually have oral sex 100% anonymously. From a nearby booth we could hear a porn clip where a mother was punishing her son for spending his lunch money on hookers. "Don't waste your money son, you know your momma can keep you satisfied" WTF I mean we watch porn but that is pretty twisted.
Meanwhile my girlfriend picked up a paper towel off the floor and I said wtf don't touch that. It was a someone's cum tissue but I couldn't tell her. She dropped it in confusion and I wanted to nope the fuck out right there. The place felt more disgusting than a shit covered used condom and I didn't like having my beautiful, innocent girlfriend in such a place. But I was still horny and we had come this far. Surely we must have alreadydealt with all the worst things that could happen right?
We go to cue up some porn and realize that we only have about $2.50 between us. Maybe 4 minutes of porn. She is already sucking me at this point so I sit down and pull her on top of me. After she rides me I decide to do her from behind so I put her knees on the chair and standing up proceed to pound her until she comes and then I blow my load onto her back.
After I clean her up I am helping her put her clothes back on she giggles and says something about glory holes. Before I can stop her, she goes to put her hand through the hole and she jabs some old guy right in the eye! She screamed, the guy yelled, and I looked through to the hole to see a scraggly beard faced old mouth just gaping like it was a baby bird waiting for its breakfast.
At that point we were both done and just wanted to leave and as we quickly hurried out there were at least 10 old men hanging out in the hall and I could feel them all watching my girlfriend.
I don't care how horny we are, no more fucking I seedy porn booths for this couple.
TLDR: horny couple needing place to fuck ends up putting on a show for a glory hole sucker, girlfriend pokes him in the eye, touches a foreign cum tissue, and we hear some incest porn. Grossed out hardcore.
comprisedofcarbon: In the future, big cities often have sex dungeons. Look into that shit before getting freaky in seedy places.
Eswyft: I spend a decent amount of time travelling about, I love cities, I tend to party quite a bit. I'm not sheltered. I have never heard of this type of place, what is it?
pokepip: If you were really a time traveler as you claim, you should know this
| 4 | 40.5 | |
1408922182 | 1408924076 | t3_2ehd07 | t5_2to41 | 7 | tourbillon18: TIFU by using Amazon's 1-Click Ordering Option
So, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about a year ago. We lived together for three years, and it ended quite badly. In short, he had anger issues and it was hard to deal with…and he had been heartset on getting married, so he took the whole breakup quite badly. I let him keep the apartment (we broke up a month before our lease ended, so I did not fuck him over too badly) and, since then, we have not really spoken. He used to occasionally send me extremely angry texts at 4am, but for the past few months they have stopped and I admittedly go out of my way to avoid seeing or speaking to him.
A few weeks ago, I was on Amazon. I have a tendency to sleep through alarms I set on my phone, so I figured I may as well just buy a traditional alarm clock. I found one for $20 that was just a basic, 1950s style bell alarm clock. From the reviews I read, it is extremely, borderline earth shatteringly loud…so I thought it was the best option. I hit the “1-Click Ordering” option on Amazon. My internet connection isn’t great at my place, and so the page refreshed four times.
Checking my bank statement later, however, I realized that I was charged $80. I accidentally ordered four alarm clocks. It was an inconvenience but I also found it quite humorous. I figured I would receive the four alarm clocks and return the three extras, and just laughed it off.
This week, I received a text notification that the package was delivered. I went to the front desk, and there were no packages for me. I went the next day and again: nothing. Curious, I logged onto Amazon account to see what happened and, it turns out, the four alarm clocks were shipped to my old address, which the 1-Click settings were still set to…i.e. my ex boyfriend’s apartment.
So, already this is a total fuckup. Not only did I accidentally order four alarm clocks, but they went to my ex boyfriend’s house.
A friend volunteered to pick it up because, to be honest, I don’t feel safe around him.
But, Reddit, it gets even worse.
Here is our text conversation verbatim. I will refer to him as “A”:
Me: “Hey…I’m so sorry. I accidentally had some packages sent to your address. Will you be around at all this week? A friend may come by to pick it up.”
A: “This is the first thing you need to tell me all year. Sorry, I won’t be around nor do I wish to make a handoff to your elected representative…I try to handle memories of you and have preserved the best of them but DON’T INVITE THEM TO MY MAILBOX. I DON’T have whatever you fucking ordered"
Me: “A, I received notification that the package was delivered. I accidentally shipped it to my old address, which is where you live…so…I know it arrived. I really do not want to bother you or cause trouble and I’m sorry for bothering you, but I would just like my $80 in alarm clocks. Thank you.”
A: “When we broke up you said you didn’t want to hurt me. Then why must you ignore me. Then pull something like this. Do you have a soul anymore?”
Me: “What do you mean? I think you’re overreacting.”
A: “You choose this week of all weeks to “ACCIDENTALLY” ship ALARM CLOCKS to me. My girlfriend just moved in and she comes home to open a package with alarm clocks from my ex. You’re a cruel, sick, vindictive person. And then asking for them back. You’re being unfair and you’ve hardly admitted to the wounds caused”
Me: “I didn’t realize that alarm clocks are offensive/ could hurt you…my bad”
A: “SHE’S DEAF. You sent four fucking alarm clocks to me the week my girlfriend who happens to be deaf moves in. Did you find that funny? What sort of sick joke is this? Fuck yourself.”
Me: “I am so sorry…I had no idea. It honestly wasn’t intentional. Can I please send over someone to pick them up? I really did not do that as a cruel joke. It was a complete accident.”
He did not respond. A friend of mine went over his place later in the day. My ex had put all four alarm clocks in the window with a sign that read “FUCK OFF” above it.
TLDR: Accidentally shipped four extremely loud alarm clocks to my ex boyfriend and his deaf girlfriend. Looked like a complete asshole/ the crazy ex. Lost $80.
Not_So_Slow: Hahahahahahaha that's fantastic. Although douchey on his part.
tourbillon18: With this event, I feel like my life has become an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Not_So_Slow: Four alarm clocks...that's the strangest thing ever. Send buzzers or doorbells or headphones next :)
tourbillon18: I'm thinking a bunch of death metal CDs.
Not_So_Slow: Oh god hahahaha.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1408923164 | 1408934488 | t3_2ehegw | t5_2to41 | 110 | FoulBachelorFrogIRL: TIFU by accidentally exposing myself to a hotel maid and a family of four
Context: I'm a full-time business traveler. For the short duration of my career, I've been booking directly through Hilton for a variety of reasons.
Anyways, about a month ago, a coworker turned me on to a third-party service that gives you 1k-3k airline points rather than the hotel points you'd otherwise receive. 1k-3k airline points are worth A LOT more money than just a normal night's worth of HHonors points. The caveat? It's mostly Holiday Inns, motels, and inns. Obviously not an issue if you're on vacation, but convenience, consistency, and normalcy are what you strive for whilst living out of a suitcase. Third-party booking agencies are looked down upon by regular business-travelers about 99% of the time, but I'm pretty open to new ideas.
So sure, why not, I figure. I have enough hotel points to last a while, and I'll be needing to fly a lot this fall/winter to see my family for the holidays. Sunday night goes without a hitch, as do Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. Thursday night rolls around, and I decide to stay in a charming, family-owned inn... one of the longest-operating hotels in the state I was headed to. Way outside of my comfort zone for the workweek, but really pleasant nonetheless. Definitely the kind of place I would want to take a date once I'm an "actual" adult.
I arrive and everything is as expected: quaint as shit, well-coifed bellman showing me to my room, massive library adjacent to the lobby, croquet garden, open courtyard, etc. Everything is very dated, but clean. The clientele seems to be almost entirely 40-60 y/o couples, with a few families here and there. The room reminds me of my late grandparents' house, only with a flat-screen TV. I'm on the first floor.
Per my normal routine, I immediately plug in my phone and laptop, put my ipod nano headphones on, get naked, and do pushups and situps before I shower and head to the bar. I'm about two minutes in, rocking out to Bittersweet Symphony, when I hear a piercing scream. I look up, and an elderly hispanic woman is standing directly over me, covering her mouth and shrieking in pure horror. I'm laying down facing the door. Instinctively, confronted with a complete stranger in my hotel room (who I couldn't hear knock or enter due to my music), I sit up and yell "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" She yells "I'm sorry," and slams the door.
Frazzled as all hell, I assume this is some sort of misunderstanding, and that she thought my room was unoccupied. I feel really bad for swearing at this poor woman. I finish my set, grab a towel to sit on, and head over to my laptop.
The old wooden desk is beautiful. It's antiquated as fuck, and a very nice departure from the sterile Hampton Inn and Embassy Suites desks to which I've grown accustomed. Perfectly situated in a corner, polished, robust, and huge. Sitting here, I feel very powerful. The curtains are those cool almost-opaque kind that let in juuuuuust the right amount of light, and bunch up neatly on the carpet. The windows are floor-to-ceiling.
So I'm sitting at this old wooden desk, naked and sweaty, cranking out some emails, and listening to all the nature shit outside (again, welcome departure from what I'm used to).
I hear voices from the courtyard, and the most nuclear-looking family I've ever seen comes strolling down the footpath with matching luggage. Blonde hair, blue eyes, etc - remind me of the Mormons from that South Park episode. Suddenly the father stops, looks to his right, and makes direct eye-contact with me. His wife - walking behind him - bumps into him, looks to her right, and also makes eye contact with me. She screams even louder than the poor maid, and immediately shields her son and daughter's eyes. They're no more than five feet away from me. FUCK, I think. IF WE CAN SEE EACH OTHER, THESE CURTAINS ARE NOT FUCKING OPAQUE. I'm not a very smart man.
After about a second and a half of paralysis, Blond Ambition Tour shuffles past with their heads down, with the little girl saying "Mommy, what happened?!" I'm still almost positive neither child saw me, thank god.
Utterly defeated, I pull the ACTUAL blinds shut, put my head down on the desk, and vow not to leave my room until checkout the following morning. I then start to worry about the police showing up at my door and taking me away for indecent exposure. I don't even want to think about what kind of prison time either mistake could portend. As I'm picking up my head, I see a small piece of stationary informing me that turndown service began at 7pm, and to inform the front desk if I wished to opt out. It's now 7:35. That would explain the maid.
I order room service for dinner due to my shame. The following morning, I decide to eat breakfast at the restaurant, rather than at the airport. Extremely tasteful dining room, with the tables set like dinner tables at a high-end steakhouse. The waiter sits me down at a table across from aforementioned blonde family, with one empty table between us. "Surely they won't recognize me," I reason. Wrong. I guess I *am* probably the only 20-something on the entire property. The father glares at me, and all I can do is turn bright red, mouth "I'm sorry," put my headphones on, and awkwardly pull out my laptop. They finish their meal and leave before my order can even be taken. All things considered, I'm fortunate to not be in jail and/or on some sex-offender list.
**TL;DR: Went to unfamiliar type of hotel and didn't bother to follow the etiquette of my surroundings. Consequently exposed my naked body to one elderly woman and one extremely wholesome-looking family of four.**
EDIT: Formatting
Possummz: That routine you got there is really something.
FoulBachelorFrogIRL: Thanks... I have to manage my time efficiently enough to still have time for reddit every night.
maximus_moody: Full on Patrick Bateman-esque
FoulBachelorFrogIRL: I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine.
| 5 | 22 | |
1408924908 | 1408949390 | t3_2ehh28 | t5_2to41 | 7 | dancingmrt: TIFU and lost the opportunity for a threesome.
[deleted]: Draw mouths on both ur fists
TheWin420: Or... Or.. Just hear me out on this, but, 2 mouths Per fist, oh yeah.
DanHero91: You're living in the past man. One mouth per finger.
TheWin420: Man, you changed my sex life, orgys for days!
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1408925924 | 1408927955 | t3_2ehilk | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking XTC at boarding school
Hello, I am a 19 year old male who got my highschool degree in June. After failing last year of highschool two years ago my parents decided to send me to boarding school to redo my year. English is not my first language so I don't know if I'm using the right word but it's basically an instition for students where they have their own personal room to study and sleep during the week. It's supervized by educators. In weekends you can go home.
So in boarding school I didn't have many friends but one. Let's call him K. K was 17 years old and was like me new to the school. His parents also put him in the boarding school. K had to switch schools because he was caught dealing speed to classmates.
I'm not the type of guy to abuse drugs but more like the guy who likes to have tried everything there is in life. So when K offered me to buy some XTC pills from him, I did.
So here I am in my room at around 10pm bored to death when I decide it would be a good idea to take an XTC pill. It would be the third time this year I would take one when being on my room. So I ingest the pill and wait for it to take effect.
I start to feel the effects coming up when I realize that I've been having some trouble with diarrea that day. My stomach starts making noises and I get the sudden urge to take a huge shit. So here I am in my room freaking out on the XTC while having to take a shit. I couldn't go to the toilet cause I heard an educator down the hallway and I need to go right now! I wasn't thinking rationally so I did the first thing I could think off. I took my little garbage can, sat down on the small edges of it and started to shit in the plastic bag in the can. Liquid shit starts to pour out of my ass as the terrible smell fills my room. I immeadiately regret this stupid fucking idea. I ask myself how am I gonna get rid of this bag full of liquid shit?? I decide Im gonna empty the bag in to the washing basin in my room. So I wipe my ass with some paper I had lying around and empty the bag into the sink. The watery shit comes out but the mudlike shit stays in the bag. So I try to push it out in the sink when suddenly for some reason the bag pops and a shit splash with little shit pieces flies on me and the wall around the sink. At this moment I'm fully going on the XTC and freaking the fuck out. I start thinking of killing myself cause if I get caught with all this shit in my sink and all this shit on the walls how am I ever gonna explain this??? I take a pen on my desk and start kinda poking/semi-stabbing myself when my mind switches thoughts and tells me this is not gonna work. I start to cry when I think of how they'll see my dead body stabbed to death by a pen and shit all over the place. So I get it back together and start grabbing all the shit out of my sink and put it in the plastic bag again. When most of the shit is in the bag I put another 3 plastic bags around it. I press the remainig liquidy shit through the sink, clean myself and the wall of shit with some paper towels and open my window so my room could get rid of the shit smell. I put the bags of shit into my back pocket, opened my door, noticed the growing shit smell in the hallway, went to the shared toilet, put the bag of shit in the garbage can, took a leak and went back to bed tripping out on the rest of the XTC. By the next day the shit smell was gone and no one ever found out I used that sink as a toilet. I feel pity for the next guy who has to sleep in that room... Thanks for reading.
entun: that is a "shitty" situation you got yourself into.. are you belgian or dutch btw? i got a feeling about it, dont know why
iamvillainHH: I get the asian vibe, definitely with glasses.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408928187 | 1408929310 | t3_2ehlxw | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my heat lamp on the floor
My heat lamp for my hedgehog was off when I put it on the floor, I must have forgotten to shut off the switch that day, and it turns on at night time. I smelled something weird in my room but passed it off. The next day I picked up my heat lamp and it burned a 3x3 inch hole in the carpet. I'm mortified, I can't believe I could be so stupid. I burnt my fucking carpet!
I don't know how to repair it, I can't afford to replace the whole carpet in my room. It could've set my fucking house on fire. I don't know what to do, it's a black charred hole in my carpet. This was a complete accident and I feel awful. If anyone knows how to replace a small section of carpet please let me know :( I will provide pictures when I'm not on mobile
Tl;dr: heat lamp turned on when it was on the floor, burnt my carpet severely and I don't know what to do :(
NecklessNewman31: Cover it with a rug.
kgreatie: It's in a very awkward place and I've considered a rug, but when I move out soon it'll still be there and the smell is awful. I'll definitely get a rug but I also need to patch it up somehow :/
NecklessNewman31: Oh man. I really don't know if you can just patch a part of carpet. Wish I could help more. Good luck. Pretty cool you have a hedgehog by the way.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1408928965 | 1408930673 | t3_2ehn4a | t5_2to41 | 3 | mypoopsmellsbad: TIFU by getting social anxiety in front of the bosses
I know this isn't a huge deal but Im sort of venting so….I get social anxiety in crowds of people when I have to speak up about something important. I also get anxiety just being around a boss figure. I actually thought that I would never pass college because some sort of speech class would be required.
Anways, today I had to give a report at work about some machinery that I was totally unfamiliar with. I am learning new machinery (am a tech) and I needed to report about them. I had to give this oral report in front of about 5 of my peers. No big deal- just peers; I planned for it and reduced my anxiety. Well, right at the last moment 3 manager type figures walked up to the meeting and, I kid you not, when I was speaking, my mind basically went blank and my voice sounded as if I was about to cry when I was speaking. One person's face actually went red because he knew what happened and, I guess, he just felt so bad for me that HE was embarrassed. Red Face guy is actually sort of a friend of mine who knows I am really intelligent but that I have some sort of issues that prevent me from advancing at work. Now I guess he knows the issue!
Im also trying to get a promotion with these people right now. Im trying to get into a position of authority instead of just a technician. Thats GONE now Im sure.
OhhhhhDirty: That really sucks man, I know that feeling. I wish I could offer you some advice, but if I knew I wouldn't have the same problem. I just wanted to say that I understand and I hope things get better for you.
mypoopsmellsbad: thanks man. Its extra hard because I am pretty confidant and sociable when its one on one or two. Good luck.
| 3 | 1 | |
1408927512 | 1408935013 | t3_2ehkxi | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my sister use my camera
If by today I actually mean 5 years ago, then yes, this happened today.
Once upon a time during my college years I decided to sell stuff on ebay in order to help out with tuition payments. My family caught wind of this, and for my birthday I received a pretty nice digital camera from them in order to take better quality photos. As it was my first digital camera, and even though this was 2009, I was impressed that it also took movies.
So around this time, living in my dorm, I started having a hankering for sticking things up my ass. Identifying myself as a completely heterosexual male, I proceeded to search for the absolutely biggest, blackest dildo I possibly could online. A few days pass, and lo and behold I'm standing in in the bathroom, armed with my the "Destroyer of Orifices" in my hand, ready to get to work.
"But wait," Cameradildoguy thought to himself, "why don't I get this on film!"
Hurriedly I snatched the camera I received as a gift, propped it up, started recording, and proceeded to film as my ass claimed victory over the "Destroyer". After I was satisfied, I cleaned up and put the camera away.
A few months pass and my sister wanted to know if she could borrow the camera. Being the kind person I am, I figured why not. I meet up, hand her the camera, and proceed to go on with the rest of my life.
Then it happened.
One day my mother, sister, and I are in the car driving around.
>**Sister**: "So last night I had a party and brought the camera."
>**Cameradildoguy**: "Oh, how was it?"
>**Sister**: "It's a nice camera. So I take a few pictures and my friends wanted to see how they turned out."
>**Mother**: "Were they good pictures?"
>**Sister**: "Yeah so I'm flipping through them and then I come across this movie."
You know that feeling where in a fraction of a second the cogs turn in your head and you instantly remember taking a 9 inch black cock in your ass, with your balls hanging loose, on film? Yeah, I know that feeling.
>**Sister**: "Not knowing what it was, I hit the play button. I see these legs and a dildo and I instantly scream and throw the camera to the ground."
>**Cameradildoguy**: "That's... odd..."
>**Sister**: "I don't know what it was, and I didn't want to know."
At this point in time, I see the opportunity to blame this on my room mate.
>**Cameradildoguy**: "Do you have the camera with you?"
>**Sister**: "Yeah!" *rummages around in purse* "Here it is."
It is at this point where I find the movie, watch the first few seconds of it, and triumphantly proclaim the following:
>**Cameradildoguy**: "Yeah.. this is my room mate. I noticed the camera was missing for a bit, and I guess he decided to use it."
*Silence in the car*
So there you go, everyone! If by 'Crisis Averted' I actually mean my sister and her friends probably saw a movie of me taking it balls deep up the ass with the largest black dildo available online in 2009, only to have my mother hear a half-assed attempt at saving face, then by all means "Crisis Averted!"
devoOz: Do you think she knows the truth ? :D
cameradildoguy: I don't know for certain. It's very likely a friend at the party actually watched the video after the camera was thrown down. However it hasn't been ever talked about by anyone since.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1408928537 | 1408981619 | t3_2ehmgr | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by being an asshole to a shy girl
This story actually happened a few months ago but anywho, here it goes:
So I was at my table, in the biology classroom before the beginning of ghe lesson, installing my microscope and minding my own business. At that time I had a lanyard for my keys with a starcraft logo on it and I was wearing it on my neck.
On the table behind mine were some other classmates including that girl, let's call her Anna.
Suddenly Anna's friend who was sitting next to her called me.
"Hey Haganrich?"
Me: "Yeah?"
"Anna wanted to ask something."
Me: "Uh huh :) ?"
Anna: "Umn hey, you have a really cool starcraft lanyard and I wanted to ask you if we could maybe play starcraft together some time. What do you think?"
Now the fuckup part. My answer in my head was "Haha that's nice of you Anna, but I don't actually play starcraft."
But what actually came out of my mouth was this:
"BAHAH NO!"
She was like "Well ok.. that's fine" and walked away. And I was standing there, shocked about what I just said.
She has never talked to me again.
Edit: format
Roxymcstagger: So it's okay to wear star craft trinkets but to play the game makes you a loser?
Mah_Young_Buck: Did you even read the story?
Roxymcstagger: I managed to get to the end
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1408929930 | 1412290821 | t3_2ehokn | t5_2to41 | 28 | TheGamer9371: TIFU by falling for a girl I'm friends with
I always told myself not to fall so easily for women since all the ones I've encountered didn't like me the way I liked them. Either way I fucked myself up, me and her have been friends for a while couple years and lately she's been kinda flirty so I went with it discreetly flirted back thinking she had a thing for me but I was never sure. Then today we're texting and told me that her friend had seen her naked (nothing beyond that) and that she's obsessed with him. Me being me tried to just throw it off, but it keeps popping up in my head and is now making me upset. She doesn't know I like her and my friends don't know either but all day I've been different but I keep trying to be myself although I'm aching deep down inside. I really don't know what to do now other than try and overcome this aching pain. I've always told myself to never expect anything from anyone and that to never search for love but I did like an idiot. First TIFU so my bad if I didn't word it right or gave a lot of typos
Trevor_meehan: I literally feel the exact same way as you. Been friends with a girl for a couple of years liked her for a long ass time, she just got out of a long relationship, and I'm almost positive she has no feelings for me at all and it is honestly depressing because I do want to even talk to any girl other than her.
dirty_author: You could go for it knowing things will never be the same afterwards, be it in a good way or a bad way. Maybe some sort of decisive answer is better than this.
Trevor_meehan: I've thought about telling her how I feel, but I'm almost positive she doesn't have any feelings for me. And I know if I say something and she doesn't have feelings our friendship will be fucked.
dirty_author: Is it worth the friendship if it depresses you? It may very well be, I'm just saying you have to weigh if all of this longing and sadness is really worth it.
Trevor_meehan: I don't know. I love her. I know when you read this you're probably going to say that I don't, but I really really do. I don't want to lose her.
dirty_author: Dude, I don't know anything about you. I have no reason to say that you don't love her. You very well may. Just make sure she makes you happier than she does sad. Also consider going for it. You never know.
Trevor_meehan: I think I'm just going to tell her. Fuck it. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks for talking to me.
dirty_author: No problem. Let me know how it goes. Heres hoping it works out.
Trevor_meehan: Okay dude if you remember me I finally grew a pair and told her how I feel. She's asleep right now and I sent her a big message. Hopefully everything works out. Wish me luck. I'll keep you informed on what happens
dirty_author: I remember. I hope it goes well!
| 11 | 2.545455 | |
1408923905 | 1408943345 | t3_2ehfki | t5_2to41 | 18 | Monksflat: TIFU While walking my dog.
So there I was; not even twenty minutes ago. I was walking my dog on a beautiful summer evening, my fiancée at my side. We were talking about how perfect the weather was and how we were so glad that we had decided to take a nice long walk. Then, at the point farthest from home, it happened.
My dog took a dump
Being the responsible pet owner that I am, I had a pocket full of poop bags in preparation for that very inevitability (There's a rule of thumb with my dog; if you bring three bags, he'll take four craps). I leaned over, bag in hand, not noticing that he had decided to do his business in the shadow of a thorn bush.
It wasn't the most cohesive deposit that I've ever seen so I scraped the ground around the specimen with my (bag covered) fingers. I did not see the thorn on the ground. I definitely felt it entering my finger.
I gave what I like to think was an incredibly manly shriek of surprise and pain and dropped the, still open, bag of doggy doodie right onto my flip flopped right foot. Most of it landed between my toes. My fiancée is still laughing.
Not wanting to mush the stuff between my toes any more than had already happened, I elected to walk the rest of the way home carrying my (now poo covered) right flip flop. Of course, as we reached the first corner, my neighbours drove by. After a walk that felt like an hour (actually less than ten minutes), we got home. I immediately threw my flip flops out and headed for the shower
I stepped into the tub, fully clothed with the full intention of cranking my bath tub faucet's heat up to "molten steel" and burning the top few layers of skin off of my foot.
In my haste, I did not notice that the shower plunger was lifted. Suddenly, my (still clothed) back was very very hot and very very wet. This did nothing to change the fact that my foot was still very very shit covered. I let out another of those manly shrieks that I've apparently been working on, and hit the faucet until the shower turned off and I could actually cleanse my foot.
On the bright side, my foot has never been so clean.
tl;dr I dropped a bag of dog poop between my toes and then took a shower with my clothes on.
hamsterstorm22: What a shitty day.
... I'll let myself out.
TheWin420: Was gonna make a crappy joke Aswell, but OP already got burned... I shouldn't hit send, but I will(did)
| 3 | 6 | |
1408930049 | 1408983328 | t3_2ehoqx | t5_2to41 | 217 | TIFU_Daily: TIFU: My Mom Thinks I'm A Serial Killer
Okay so today I was scrolling through reddit today and I heard someone mention about a subreddit /r/watchpeopledie. It peaked my curiosity so I decided to start browsing around it watching video after video of people dying. Well anyway my father asks for help to tape up and cover the other room in plastic sheets to paint the bathroom room. Stupid me says yes without closing google chrome (my browsers was stocked up with tabs of people dying videos) Later on it dawned upon me that I left my laptop open so I freaked out and stormed into my room carrying plastic sheets and duct tape. My mom jumped up from my laptop when I saw my presence and quickly made an excuse to leave my room. I noticed that she looked throughout the tabs.
**BUT** this isn't the worst part yet. Opposing the side of my bed where my laptop laid, was my conveniently placed cabinet that holds my knife collection and a ski mask I wear when I go snowboarding.
[deleted]: Embrace it. See how far you can take this without her calling the police. Time to see how much your mother really loves you.
Cornered_Animal: Such a good boy, such a quiet handome boy...
taylorbisk: Ever since those broken arms...
| 4 | 54.25 | |
1408930654 | 1408944074 | t3_2ehppq | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with my best friends girl
Ok so the title sounds worse than it actually is, but here goes.
So last night a group of my friends went out to celebrate my friends girls birthday because my friend was out of town for her birthday. Anyway we go bar hopping and get really drunk ect. So we end up going back to crash at my friends place and everyone picked their spots to sleep. so my friends girl was in one room sleeping, and I was in the living room sleeping on the couch, anyway half way through the night I am awakened by my friends girl crawling into bed with me! Now I'm not usually the type who would screw a friend over by taking advantage of an opportunity like this, but when your half asleep and drunk, you almost don't have a choice! So there was some touching and groping but no sex or kissing. It was a little awkward in the morning but now I know she likes me, which is obviously a problem because she's my friends girl and they have been together for about 5 years. The thing is this is not the first time she has gotten touchy with me and I'm kinda stuck on what to do! Help if you can
djkayser: Easy, find a better girl for your friend. The breakup WILL happen and you can hook up guilt-free.
Daniel-H: Not the worst advice I've seen, but then his friend will think "huh, interesting how edwardfec got together with her so quickly...especially considering how *he* was the one who set me up with [new girlfriend]...huh...AHA!!!"
Really, this guy did a major D-bag move and has no apparent way to get out that's guaranteed to be consequence-free.
Honestly I have no idea what to do except...don't bang your best friend's girlfriend! Duh!
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1408931156 | 1408939009 | t3_2ehqj0 | t5_2to41 | 79 | Has_No_Gimmick: TIFU by getting a papercut on my dick.
The title says it all, really. I recently graduated and I'm moving out of state to start a new job, so I've been going through my things, packing, cleaning, etc.
Today I went through several boxes of old papers from college, selecting what to keep and what to toss. This is a boring process, and it's been hot around here recently. So I was sitting naked at my computer chair listening to music and letting Gimmick Jr. hang freely while I worked. I'd take out a stack of papers, set it on my lap, and rifle through them, while only halfway paying attention. As I grabbed one stack of papers, I moved a little too swiftly, and caught the poor guy just underneath the glans -- *Sccchllllpp* -- and that was that.
It hurts exactly as bad as you think it must. Neosporin does nothing. I'm a moron.
troncatsandwiches: I cringed just reading the title.
LFluffy: Now imagine it being cut on the slit.
troncatsandwiches: *Oh god why*
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1408931679 | 1408933178 | t3_2ehrbn | t5_2to41 | 2 | Ferrett1996: TIFU By talking to my best friends Ex GF
shotglasss: WTF is up with the formatting?
Ferrett1996: Sorry I'm a bit tired. And it has been a while since I've wrote anything.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408929766 | 1408947099 | t3_2ehob7 | t5_2to41 | 19 | I_Am_Day_Man: TIFU by unintentionally making my girlfriend watch a squirrel get run over
So short back story, my girlfriend loves animals, but hates squirrels. She thinks they are annoying and dumb creatures. Anyways, we are driving back from playin some frisbee golf, and we see this squirrel in the middle of the road. I jokingly say, "Dare me to hit it?". She laughed and then we both just watched it cross the road, just as a car was coming the other direction. Sure enough, this squirrel was not a fast mover, and was hit by the car, as we were front row looking right at it. It didn't even die, it just got really injured :/. Now my girlfriend is crying and I feel like a jackass.
SniffyClock: I was driving a girl home from a party when a rabbit started crossing the road. I looked at her and started slowly changing lanes toward the rabbit. When I noticed she'd seen what I'd done I got back in my lane like it was just a joke. At the last second I swerved and killed the rabbit.
TheWin420: Made me giggle, am I a bad person.
leopardg: Yes
TheWin420: Alright, just wanted to confirm.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1408932197 | 1409112939 | t3_2ehs34 | t5_2to41 | 148 | gymcrushthrowaway: TIFU by learning my crush's name
Every Facebook creeper's worst nightmare. Hear me out though before judging me too much. I hope this can be a lesson to anyone creeping Facebook or Instagram pages. We've all done it.
The set-up: I have a gym crush on this girl. She's super cute and I noticed her about a couple months ago. I go to the gym about every day and I see her just about every other day.
I don't particularly stare or creep her, but I do start to notice her staring at me via mirrors and working out near me. I let myself hope maybe the attraction is mutual but I don't pursue because, as gym-goers know, there's a stigma against guys chatting up girls at the gym (and maybe vice versa). Best to keep it as eye-candy motivation to go to the gym.
This has gone on for quite a few weeks and I could've let it remain that way, but my curiosity finally got the better of me.
Last week gym crush arrives wearing a team jersey (of sorts). On the back of her jersey is her last name, and the front is the "team" name. I've been dying to learn her name for weeks, and on my way home I hatch a brilliant idea. I decide a little Google of her last name and team name might tell me her first name, so I pull out my phone and pop in my search query.
Now I know at this point I'm creeping but you have to understand my frustration after months of nothing happening how excited I was that I might learn her name.
Her "team" name isn't very unique, so I scroll through the results until I see an Instagram link. "That's the best bet for a positive ID." I tell myself. Link opens my Instagram app and my heart skips a beat as I see it's really her.
Could have just been happy with the name. Could have just closed my phone. And I did. For a few minutes.
Maybe you can see where this is going now. Curiosity gets the better of me again and I reopen my phone, scrolling all the way down to the bottom of her Instagram. Just to make sure it's really her, I open one of the first photos where she's flexing her bicep in the mirror making a silly face.
Now I should also mention that I recently got a new phone. It's got a feature where the phone can be awakened by double tapping the screen instead of reaching for the power button. It also has a fairly abrupt light sensor. Yeah.
I guess I walked into a shaded area because my phone suddenly got much dimmer, to the point where I thought it had gone to sleep. I instinctively double tap the screen to wake it. Users will know that doubletapping is how you "like" photos on Instagram. Fuck.
I shit my pants briefly but I quickly hit the heart under the photo to "unlike" it. No damage done. Instagram doesn't send notification emails, it only pushes notifications to your phone. The worst possibility is that she got a message saying "'OP' liked one of your photos." She has hundreds of followers and probably doesn't even notice likes. Nothing would show up once she opens the app. Certainly not that one of her oldest photos suddenly got a like. Unless I wasn't fast enough. Unless she was holding her phone at the time and immediately checked Instagram. But what are the chances of that?
The scare puts me off any further creeping and I immediately pocket my phone again. About an hour later though, I wake my phone to send a text or something. It's still on the same Instagram page. But the photo wouldn't load. I hit back and scroll down again. It was gone. She had deleted the photo.
This was a few days ago and I haven't seen her at the gym since. I figured my Instagram page had my full name and it probably wasn't hard for her to counter-creep me and find out the guy at the gym had been jerking it to her silly faces. UGH.
I don't even know what I'd do if I did see her again. Probably run away and vomit.
EDIT: The worst part isn't that she thinks I'm a weirdo, the worst thing is that I'm responsible for creeping the hell out of a random girl. feelsbadman.jpg
EDIT2: To everyone saying it's not a big deal and she doesn't care: I really hope you're right. But she did delete the photo. I'm going to the gym again today. Pray for me reddit.
EDIT3: Gym was closed today for equipment upgrades. Will go again tomorrow and update!
TLDR: Want to learn gym crush's name, creep Instagram. She now thinks I have a silly face and/or bicep fetish thanks to my OnePlus One.
0J_: Definitely need a follow up of this after you have been to the gym.
gymcrushthrowaway: Gym was closed today! Should be open tomorrow.
Khthonic: My gym is also closed today for equipment upgrades. Does yours happen to be on a university campus?
gymcrushthrowaway: Aaaaand my cover is blown.
Khthonic: Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it, man. Girls get creeped on alot and you *could* have found her Instagram through a mutual friend since you presumably both attend the same school.
| 6 | 24.666667 | |
1408933792 | 1408992113 | t3_2ehuf4 | t5_2to41 | 59 | NittlesEUW: TIFU by being cheap and taking a bus instead of a plane
Short backstory.
Over the past 11 months, I've visited Eastern Europe, Australia, Japan, Hawaii, Colorado, Maine, various other states in New England, Massachusets, New York, and my final destination (in which I am currently travelling to), shall be Florida - before I finally fly back home to England next week.
Due to travelling so much, I look to save money wherever I can, and whilst planning this final venture from NYC to Orlando FL, I was given 2 options. Bus or plane. The cheapest flight I found was around $180 which isn't too bad, but then I struck gold..... A bus for just $45!! I thought this would be too good to be true, but after checking many a review, it seemed legit and next thing you know, it's all booked. 19 and a half hour bus journey, let's go!!
Fast forwards to a few hours ago.
Boarding the bus, read a sign in the bus shop (if that's what you call it) saying very clearly to sit in your allocated seat, and that there is no moving around.
Sit down, seat 44. It's by the window. Fantastic, I always prefer window seats. I look down the isle to see potential candidates as to who may be the lucky lady who gets to sit next to me..
Abort! Abort! ABORT!! Now, in all my travels, I've met many hundreds, if not thousands of people from all cultures and backgrounds, ethnicities and body complexions, all shapes and sizes. But nothing I've experienced, NOTHING could have prepared me for this specimen of 'human' (well...) that was waddling down the isle towards me. I can only describe this monstrous lady as a hybrid cross between Bubbles from Little Britain and Snorlax. She is fucking enormous. Like... My god... Are you sure this isn't a buddah statue or something?
'Is this seat 43?' Colossus asks.
Tucking in her 7th spare tire into the seat, flesh flapping everywhere, armrests raised to allow maximum lateral spread, she claims to be 'in the seat'.
I'm currently 4 hours into the journey, pressed up against the window, gasping for air every 20 minutes when a vile gasseous odour erupts from below the behemoth. This is unbearable.. Over 15 hours to go....
Tl;dr
Taking 19.5 hour bus journey from NY to Orlando because cheapskate. Get stuck next to female who has her own gravitational pull. The stench she can create is ungodly. Stuck next to her for another 15.5 hours.
kylrm12: OP did you make it alive.....
NittlesEUW: I'm still going...... When we stopped at a service station I bought some sleeping pills and passed out for the past 10 hours or so - best tactical decision I've ever made
kylrm12: good to hear! stay strong, you WILL pull through this
NittlesEUW: I passed the 'Welcome to Orlando' sign a short while ago. Never been so excited to get off a bus in my whole life!
| 5 | 11.8 | |
1408935583 | 1408972302 | t3_2ehx0j | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a white puddle. (NSFW)
It was that time again. Every man knows this time, maybe even some ladies. You haven't bust a nut in a few days and you are ready for your dick to cry you a river. So, I whipped out the iPorn and find something good to tenderize my meat to. I hear my mother enter the room that is connected to the bathroom. I hesitated for .69th of a second, but decided to go full speed ahead. The time has come, I can feel my juices pushing against the gates of ecstasy. The only problem is, my mom is still ten feet away from me. She would hear the obvious sound of jizz hitting toilet water. In a split second i made a decision. I cupped my hand, and caught all the jizz in my hand. No sound. But, i had a palm full of man gravy. So, i did what any man would do. I slurped that shit up like extra starch spaghetti. Every. Last. Drop. All because of my mom. Thanks mom.
TL;DR: Fapped with mom 10 feet away from me, ate myself for dinner to avoid making a sound.
Murican_deal_with_it: Why didn't you just, you know... wash your hands? Why the FUCK did you slurp your own cum? I'm having a hard time believing this.
Luigi_From_Frozen: When i was a wee lad i thought tissue paper was just too obvious and inconvenient. Besides, we never had any around our house. A couple porn videos and google searchs later, i started cleaning up myself using myself.
TheWin420: How did Google convince you to start swallowing?
Luigi_From_Frozen: "Is it ok to swallow your cum"
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1408937100 | 1409060462 | t3_2ehz6y | t5_2to41 | 9 | 2dab: TIFU By drafting Tony Gonzalez in the 3rd round of our Fantasy football league..
Fml
super_sayanything: Like most TIFU's. This is not real. No one can be this stupid.
But seriously TE late is fine, but judging by the fact that you did this I'd venture to say your team already sucks. Good luck!
2dab: Fuck would i lie for, im too busy making real money not fantasy bullshit
super_sayanything: It is a joke. I was playing on the fact that many posts are called out to be fake. Relax, man.
2dab: I know man my bad im just butthurt about the whole thing haha
| 5 | 1.8 |
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