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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1408936963 | 1408954548 | t3_2ehz02 | t5_2to41 | 74 | Packersrule123: Tifu by accidentally being a Nazi
Tifu bad guys. Like almost killing an old man bad. First off I would like to say that I identify myself as an agnostic and that I really don't care much about religion. And also, I'm not a Nazi. And although I am Russian I'm not a communist either. So about 5 month's ago I was bitching to a friend about all of this pointless shit artwork my mom has all over the house. And she never looks at any of it. He has the bright idea of hey, why not replace the art of pictures of Hitler. But do it gradually he says. Like 1 a week I figure. My mom has about 7 different paintings just in the living room alone. This is immediately after you walk in the front door. So in 2 months I end up with about half a dozen pictures of the fuhrer hung up all over the living room. My mom still hasn't noticed and all I can think is damn, this is gonna be good when I tell her. But I failed to realized that over those 2 months we got new neighbors. These neighbors happen to be a near 80 year old Jewish couple. I rarely go outside (I blame reddit and nhl 14 for my dungeon tan) and therefore I hadn't ever seen the neighbors and had no real idea we got new ones. Until one day they dropped by to say hello. So, as I know you guys can do math, they were born around 1934. So they would be alive and well for the full catastrophe that is the holocaust. He takes one look in our house, yells something(possibly Hebrew) and hits the floor. Turns out he had a heart attack. The medics were called, cops ended up in our house. And this guy looks at me like I'm Hitler Jr. I was nearly razed, almost killed an old man, and grounded for the whole summer. Thank you, teenage ideas.
Tl;dr Hung pictures of Hitler in my house, gave an old guy a heart attack,and was grounded for the summer.
Adda717: I want to see how subtle this fuhrer artwork is that your mom didn't notice in two months. Take pics and post them here.
Packersrule123: I'm sorry to say that they have all been since gotten rid of. BUT one of them was just a printed out picture that I can link you to.
TheWin420: Even if you don't look at the art, how do you not realize Hitler all over the walls, seriously. How.
Packersrule123: My mom pays attention to NOTHING. It was the whole point of what I did. Just to prove that fact.
TheWin420: Well sir, it's been proven. Good job.
Packersrule123: Nearly proven with a bit of involuntary manslaughter
| 7 | 10.571429 | |
1408937349 | 1408966276 | t3_2ehzij | t5_2to41 | 61 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving a dildo in the shower
My wife's parents came to visit this weekend. No big deal. We always keep our room off limits, and our bathroom as well.
My dog recently destroyed his crate, so when ever we leave we put him in our bathroom to keep him from getting into things he shouldn't.
This particular day I was called into work and my wife decided to go with me. Her parents wanted to stay back with our kid. We put the dog away because he can be a nuisance when we aren't home.
Upon our arrival home we were greeted by my dog at the door. My wife immediately ran to the bathroom and found, suctioned to the wall in all its glory, her huge dildo. Plain as day.
There is no way her father didn't see it. My wife is very mad at me because she doesn't even use it, I bought it to stick on random things around the house thinking it was funny. Try explaining that to someone else though.
Pretty sure he wants to talk about it because he keeps mentioning how he let the dog out.
Still debating on the best story.
TL; DR: Left my dog in the bathroom, with a giant dildo hanging in plain sight for father in law to see.
YUHDEW: If her father is understanding at all, he'll realize this was your home and he has no right to judge what you two do in your private time. Regardless of whether or not she uses the dildo, it isn't really his business and you don't really need to explain anything to him. Just apologize for leaving personal items out in the open.
tbagman: Or, go the complete opposite way. Hang it in your wife's parents' bedroom, right above the bed, with a post-it note that says "Welcome, guests! Please clean after use."
lawlcrackers: If the parents don't take this as a joke, then it's a lost cause.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1408938268 | 1408944764 | t3_2ei0sv | t5_2to41 | 30 | SadSonOfMeanDad: TIFU by upsetting my tech-savvy dad.
So this happened an hour or so ago, and I type this from my phone. So if the formatting is bad I apologize.
To start out, my dad is pretty good with computers and stuff and always stores everything he has on backup flash drives. Earlier today I upset him because I had forgotten to pick up his laundry from the laundromat and apparently they gave it to some random guy. The clothes were his favorites, so I felt really bad.
He found out of course, and got really upset. I wasn't expecting him to be crazy though, so I just went downstairs to watch TV and avoid him for a while. Fast forward an hour or so and I go upstairs to my room, turn on my PC, and discover hundreds (probably exaggerating) of those stupid malware things download into my C drive. Like, AVG Safe tool thing and PC Cleaner stuff. He must've had these on a flash drive somewhere? Or maybe he just visited sites and downloaded them. Anyways, my PC is now 20 GB full of malware. If anyone has a solution to clearing all these files that'd be great....
TL;DR: Forgot to pick up laundry. Dad releases his AVG wrath .
meccanexus: System restore, to a point before your TIFU was realized and punished.
HookDragger: Amateur.... first thing he did was delete all the restore points.
meccanexus: Amateur... if the first thing he did was delete all the restore points, the first one available will be the one generated when the first piece of 'malicious' software was installed.
Lets hold judgment until OP checks to see!
HookDragger: not hard to delete restore points after fucking the system
meccanexus: Indeed, so it would be the last thing he did, not the first thing.
Still since this is the Easiest way to undo the damage (provided he didn't delete them after 'infection'), it should be the first thing OP checks.
| 6 | 5 | |
1408925819 | 1409213872 | t3_2ehifw | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: [TIFU] Knocked up my ex and the past still haunts me
A little note on the situation:
My friend's mom has this business where she would help kids from China move over here LEGALLY to study in college. She would also provide a room and food and any transportation necessary. This implies that only the rich kids were able to afford it. So, my friend is sharing his house with my ex. Keep in mind, we've been friends for 6+ years, so during the relationship, I had no worries of leaving her with him. He was in the Marine Corps, so he was only home for the weekends.
I met my ex ( let's call her E) through a friend's now ex girlfriends/fiancee a month after they started dating. 2 months in (Oct) , we lost our virginity to each other, and were literally fucking like rabbits every day. About 2 months after (Dec), she got pregnant and didn't realize it until she left for China for a 2 month vacation. Her parents nearly found out and she freaked. Before all this, I never used condoms, and she never used birth control ( its stupid, but w/e). After we first lost our virginity to each other, I had constantly begged her to take a pregnancy test JUST to be sure nothing happened, but she was scared of the result, and never took one.
Now, in China, if its the first 2 months, you can take a pill that aborts the child. But due to her stubbornness, it was too late by the time she found out. We barely had time for an abortion back in the states (Vday 2014, way to celebrate it), deadline was the end of the first trimester. During all of this, I was talking to her ( while flipping out. Mind you, I now have an even worst state of depression, anxiety attacks, and paranoia [ NONE of our parents know of what happened, in their eyes, we just didn't work out so we broke up]), and I asked her what course of action does she want to take in terms of this relationship. She said she wasn't sure, and after talking with her friend about it, I somehow got the impression that she wants to end it. Despite being still in love with her at the time (and a few months after the operation), I decided to just let it go to avoid hurting her anymore and try and improve my mental state.
During the operation and the weeks after, she avoided me, and I avoided her due to my panic attacks. To quote a poem I wrote about what I felt
"..Your laughs are full of scorn,
Seeing you is like walking through thorns,
Your smiles haunt me,
Bearing nothing but anxiety.."
And so, for the next few months we continued to avoid one another.
Now, on E's side of the story ( I was just notified of this now, by her friend, reason being her friend is leaving for China and she can't bear keeping this secret in her heart forever), after the operation, E had really wanted to hold my hand for support, but was scared of rejection, so she went for her friend. And so for the next few weeks, as she was recovering, E would get nightmares every single day of the unborn child and would cry, again calling her friend instead of me. Her friend kept telling E to call me, but she refused. And so this continued for months after. E told her friend that she never intended to break up with me, but she never got the chance to sit down and talk to me about it ( again, going back to avoiding each other. Every time I came over, she hid in her room and slammed the door and anxiety attacks keep triggering for me).
This is what I've learned of so far, and my heartbeat is going on overdrive since I talked to my friend's mom about it. More to come tomorrow as I'm meeting up with her friend for more details.
**TL/DR // Lesson of the day:**
Muster up all courage you have and talk to her if the relationship is threatening to come to an end. Clear up any and ALL misunderstandings before walking your own separate paths.
Sorry if the timeline isn't coherent, it was written while I'm still having an anxiety attack. I'll try and help you guys get a clearer picture if needed. And yes, the thought of killing myself has came up more times than I could count.
**UPDATE**
Just had a talk with E and her friend this afternoon before 1st day of class ( way to jump start the Fall Semester in College). Confirmed everything that was told to me with E, and I'm honestly devastated. Thinking back at it now, I had failed as her friend and boyfriend to support her. Cowering behind my own fears, when the abortion had taken a huge toll on her body and traumatized her. It had blinded me from seeing how scared she was of the abortion and of me because of a faint possibility that I might reject her. Despite what everyone around me saying how I should move on and let time heal the wounds that this event had caused to both of us, I should have listened to my heart and instincts and persevered; fighting for the relationship despite being the only one who had faith in it. I had forsaken her, abandoning her quiet pleas for help and emotional support.
This completely disgusts me as a man, for I will probably be forever disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen to the woman I love. This gut wrenching disappointment in myself is what often times makes me question why I'm still wasting everyone's breath on this Earth.
[deleted]: So, after some deep thinking/hiking/meditating/whatever you wanna call it, I think I'll at least start by surprising her with flowers. It'll be purely on a platonic/friendship level. Thoughts?
Royalflood: It's a good start. It will definitely be good for both of you to be friends.
[deleted]: Thanks! I don't suppose you know anything about the meanings behind each type of flower? I know different flowers have different meanings but I don't suppose there's one that says forgive me but I love you?
Royalflood: Ah yes go with roses. Always go with roses. Some other notable ones would be sunflowers or lily
[deleted]: Alright cool! Thanks for the tips!
[deleted]: I forgot to ask... But what color should the roses be?
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1408942373 | 1409001370 | t3_2ei676 | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU I accidentally friend-zoned a guy I really like by misinterpreting him
Let's call my friend "Pat." Pat and I have been friends for around 4 years now. Things were totally platonic until about a year ago when I realized that I had feelings for Pat.
Luckily for me, I only wallowed in that misery for about a week before he confessed his feelings for me. Yay! Right? Wrong.
I was never sure about how much he liked me, and I was very insecure at the time. We never went official so we were stuck in a more than friends territory. We still hung out as usual but we never went on a real date. He more flirtatious and playful than before, but I had doubts about the sincerity of his feelings. I was scared he might have only felt a little crush because I found my feelings were getting stronger, and it was the first time I'd liked a guy so much.
This continued until the end of the school year since I was going off to camp for the summer. He asked me how much I liked him, if I wanted to be in a real relationship with him, amongst other things. The only problem is that the way he was asking it made it seem like he no longer had feelings for me. And me, having too much pride, didn't want him to know how much I liked him if he had implied that his feelings were fading. So I tried to sound very nonchalant, and we ended up deciding to be friends.
I felt pretty upset the next few days. It felt like a break-up even if we were not dating beforehand. We still texted each other after I went to camp, but I was annoyed by how suggestive (crossing the friendship line) he still was in his messages. It made me feel like he was toying with my feelings since we had just recently decided to just be friends, but he was still treating me as more. So I asked him, "What is your deal?" and after that we went back to the way we were years ago during our platonic friendship.
Flash forward to today: I just came back from camp today and hung out with him. After I went home, I realized I never deleted any of our messages since like April since I delete conversations after it's been a week (when instead of reading "Saturday" it reads the actual date [e.g. "08/12/14"]), and we haven't gone more than a week without texting each other.
So I go back and reread some of our conversations. I came across the one from when I asked him, "What is your deal?" like a week after we decided to be just friends. It turns out that there was this one part during the conversation where we were texting back and forth so quickly that I didn't see some of his messages at the time since I hit send at the same time I received his message. So re-reading it now, I could see it all.
Apparently he had been trying to tell me that he *didn't* just want to be friends, that he *did* want to date me, and looking back now, to him it seemed like I was just shutting him down since I didn't respond to those messages and sort of just jumped to the next part of the conversation.
Also I realized that when he was defining the relationship before school ended, it wasn't that he was implying he didn't like me. It was more of a way to introduce the topic. And I sort of pushed him into deciding that we should just be friends since I thought that was what he wanted.
So I realized three months too late that I could've been dating my best friend. And while I girl-talked with my camp friends about how he plays mind games and is so confusing, to him I must've been the exact same way. And it's all because I'm bad at reading people and didn't see those messages. I liked him so much but probably came across as not really caring much at all.
I think it's too late to do anything about it though. We've shifted back into platonic friendship. So basically I thought he friend-zoned me, but in reality I think I friend-zoned him, effectively friend-zoning myself?
Edit: I'll update this next Monday and next Thursday
Update (Monday): thanks for all the comments. I talked to him yesterday (finally mustered up the courage) and we're together now! The only thing is our relationship doesn't feel like a relationship. It's practically the same as before, which I don't mind much. I didn't really get to talk to him about the misunderstanding from before since he's not very communicative. I basically just asked him if he still liked me, to which he responded positively. Then I told him I still had feelings for him, and now we are together. I'll add a final update Thursday since school starts again on Wednesday.
ThirdDegree: Just say, "I'm an idiot" and go up and kiss him the next time you see him.
bdawgsupreme: Science is on your side, adaptive value evolution etc etc good luck!
captcha-the-flag: Huh?
bdawgsupreme: People are biologically engineered to respond well to that
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1408942565 | 1408974215 | t3_2ei6fr | t5_2to41 | 6 | Azhain: TIFU by trying to help out a bunny rabbit.
So this was last week, I've been telling the story to my friends since then and I've decided to share it here.
So I have a meeting at my grad school, and I'm walking back to my car afterward. I step off of the side walk to cross the road and almost step on a little bunny rabbit which is huddled on the thin strip of grass between the two. It's just sitting there staring up at me without moving and I figure the rabbit is probably pretty freaked out being in the middle of the campus, so I figure I'll scoop him up and walk him to the woods and let him go or something.
I pick him up and get about two steps before he leaps from my hands and bounds into the road! I panic at this point thinking that I'm about to get this rabbit killed by accidentally throwing him into the road to get run over, but luckily no cars were coming by at the moment. So I go into the road to try and guide him back onto the sidewalk and under a nearby bush.
This takes all of 30 seconds and the bunny finally manages to find his way under a bush without getting run over/stepped on. The bushes on campus are not very dense ([They look kind of like this](http://i.imgur.com/bSnfqA1.jpg), but yellow).
At this point I'm feeling pretty good about myself, "good job Azhain, you really helped that little guy out" and turn around to see the slowest gliding hawk I've ever seen in my life about four feet off the ground going right past me. He was so close that I could have seen it wink at me, and I just stood there in stunned silence as the thing glided underneath the bush and out the other side with the rabbit in it's clutches.
Only afterwards did I realize that the bunny probably wasn't moving when I first saw it because it saw the hawk in the sky and was trying not to be noticed. Me stopping to try and get it to safety actually made it more noticeable, and that led to it getting caught.
**TLDR:** I inadvertently assisted in a kidnapping and possible murder.
166res1cue: > ~~possible~~ Definate murder
FTFY
PartTimeBarbarian: ~~possible Definate~~ defecate murder
[deleted]: Nice poop joke, truly a comedic genius.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408943833 | 1408953242 | t3_2ei80p | t5_2to41 | 9 | Anxious_Alice: TIFU by visiting my boyfriend (possibly NSFW)
This fuck up happened this past Saturday. I do apologize for formatting if it's bad I'm on my mobile. Also warning a wall of text is ahead.
So you will need some background for this. My boyfriend (who has been divorced for about a year and a half) and I used to live in the same town, but in separate apartments. He decided that he wanted to go back to college so he made arrangements to move back home and apply for school in a city about 2 hours from me and about and hour from his parents place.
So he moved home with his parents to save some money so he could pay for school. That's cool I'm an understanding girl and we continued to see each other when we could. That leads us closer to where the fuck up happens. He finds an apartment and moved all his stuff in on Friday with his parents help. Side note his parents are really sweet I love them.
I had previously promised a friend to do something with her Friday afternoon so my boyfriend knew I wouldn't be able to leave until I was done. So I ended up leaving my town at about 9:30 PM, but he's an hour ahead of me due to being in a different time zone. I was excited to spend the night with him on the first night in his new place.
Then fuck up number one happens. It's super dark and I'm driving on a highway I'm not super familiar with. I had driven on it before, but it had been a while so I was unfamiliar with the speed limit. Now I'm no saint when it comes to following the speed limit and I'm in a hurry because I want to see him. So I think the speed limit is 65 MPH and I pass this car on the left doing about 70 MPH. A car going the opposite direction passes us and I see blue lights turn on. I instantly think goddamnit as I see this police car make a u-turn and start following me.
I pull over and take out my stuff. He tells me I was doing 70 MPH in a 55 MPH zone. He asked where I was going and I told him and handed him my license and registration, however I can't find my insurance. The officer says he doesn't really care about my insurance and goes back to his car. I wait impatiently like a child and he finally returns. He hands me a warning and I say thank you because I've never had a speeding ticket before. He warned me about an upcoming construction zone and basically admitted he only pulled me over because I was going so fast.
So I drove off happy I didn't get a ticket and finally arrive at my boyfriend's place at about 12:30 PM his time. He meets me at the door and we kiss. Basically we hadn't had sex in like two weeks so I could totally feel his hard on through his pants, but I digress because this fuck up isn't about the sex. We have incredibly hot amazing sex in every room that night and fall asleep on his new bed.
The next morning we wake up and I initiate sexy times which ensue for about 2 hours. At about 10 we hop in the shower and clean up because he has work at noon. After we get out of the shower we both get ready for our days and he gets a call at about 11:30 from his Dad. As he's talking he starts looking concerned and he asks his Dad "You're here?" And then his eyes widen and he mouths oh shit at me. My jaw drops and I immediately start packing my back like my house is on fire while he finishes his conversation.
Before I continue let me explain that his family is Southern Baptist and is very conservative. His Dad is also a deacon at his church so basically we thought we were screwed.
After thinking for a moment we decided that I came over that morning to do some unpacking while my boyfriend was at work and he opened the door. It was at that moment I regretted my choice of shorts. They weren't super short, but they aren't something I would normally wear in front of parents. My boyfriend tells his Dad our story, but he's giving us a look like he totally knows what went on. His Dad wanted to put together the TV stand that day to help out some more. I'm dying on the inside and I pretty much want to jump off the balcony. So my boyfriend and I agree that I'm going to pick up a shower liner and bath mat to bring back from his work while his Dad remained behind to start the TV stand.
We spend the time we're out freaking out and I was super nervous because I had to go back and help out for a while. I got lucky though my boyfriend forgot his name tag and I had to run it back to him. When I went back his Dad and I spent a few hours cleaning and doing things. I eventually had to change and go to work in my town so I had a great excuse to have my bag there. I'm still mortified that my boyfriend's very conservative parents now know we have sex and I really don't want them to dislike me.
TL:DR Almost got a ticket driving to stay the night at my boyfriend's new apartment. His very religious Dad come to visit the next morning after we had spent 2 hours having sex and getting the 'I know about the sex look' from him. Then my boyfriend goes to work and I spend 4 hours awkwardly helping my boyfriend's Dad unpack my boyfriend's apartment.
uncanny21: i don't understand the fuck up here...it seems to be more a relationship problem than a fuck up...like his dad didn't have sex once the guy got out of his house...
...and i need a photo of you in those shorts...just for science
Rudas_Iskariot: I must peer review his work so i will need the ~~picture~~... Err i mean data as well.
Soap2: I must need the "data" as well for my own experiment.
tbagman: hehehehehehe sex data yumyum
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1408943542 | 1408954226 | t3_2ei7mn | t5_2to41 | 18 | sillyserval: TIFU by putting a hardboiled egg in the microwave
I put it in for 30 seconds and then, with only 2 seconds left, it completely exploded. Like, REALLY exploded. It made a really loud boom and splattered all over the entire microwave. It took me twenty minutes to clean up. And I ate one of the exploded pieces and it tasted terrible.
Fucking_Samsquanch: What the flying fuck... WHY!?!?!?
sillyserval: cuz i wanted to eat it for some reason
Fucking_Samsquanch: So you put an already cooked egg in it... sir, are you high?
sillyserval: well...yes...but that's beside the point!
Fucking_Samsquanch: Well yesterday you did fuck up!
| 6 | 3 | |
1408946107 | 1409004903 | t3_2eiajp | t5_2to41 | 119 | DicklessforChickless: TIFU by trying to have a peaceful nap [NFSW]
I was in my language arts class last Thursday and we had to do an essay, but i finished early so i decided to take a nap, unfortunately that peaceful nap turned into a rape filled nightmare. The dream started with me walking down a road and a man following me, i noticed so i started walking faster, so did he. So i started running, so did he. It turned into an all out sprint and i just couldn't run fast enough. He caught me and violently pulled my pants down, pulled out his dick, and was ready for my asshole. Right as he put his cock in my ass i woke up and screamed the loudest scream i think I've ever produced in my life. I knew all eyes we're on me and i just couldn't muster up the courage to look around. My teacher holding back her laughter asks if i'm ok and i reply with the weakest "yes" i could find. Everyone kept laughing at me the rest of the day and now i'm known as the guy who screams in his sleep. I don't even know how the fuck i'm going to live down, now i'm afraid to fall asleep in any of my classes.
TL;DR Fell alseep in class, got raped in my ass
createanewaccountuse: Meh, people forget easily. Though you be may suppressing something.
DicklessforChickless: Are you saying what i think you're saying?
createanewaccountuse: Probably.
TomFoolCape: Tom I know you have probably forgotten, but I am so sorry for what I did to you. I ... had been going through a very hard time in my life. I ... was desperate. I mean you were there so innocent and weak and it made me so angry that I wasn't like you. So in my sexually repressed state I wanted to ruin your innocence and ... I'm sorry.
createanewaccountuse: Dude, you should probably seek help.
[deleted]: its a joke! hahaha
createanewaccountuse: oh.
| 8 | 14.875 | |
1408947126 | 1409036441 | t3_2eibna | t5_2to41 | 63 | laceblood: Tifu by having anal sex. (NSFW)
So tonight, just now, me and my bf had awesome sex. Decided to switch to anal, lubed up, everything is fine. But, not even thinking my boy friend slipped his dick out of my ass and into my vagina without washing. I was too into it to care really until I smelled it. Poop, reddit. There was some poop on his dick, and therefore IN MY VAGINA. I freaked out, and went to clean up. I had no douches. What was I to do?
Well, Reddit. I used a trick from middle school. I took a water bottle, popped a hole in the top, and squirted it it my vagina. I can only hope this was good enough.
Tonight, I fucked up.
tbagman: Yup, you fucked up. Up two holes.
laceblood: You could also say I was up shit creek.
tbagman: I'd paddle you.
CautiousTuna: We meet again tbagman...
tbagman: Am I still your favorite grandchild?
CautiousTuna: Fuck yea! What kind of question is that?
AlexatRF21: It's a paddlin' kind of question.
| 8 | 7.875 | |
1408946593 | 1408963195 | t3_2eib2v | t5_2to41 | 14 | waterceiling: TIFU by watching porn at the airport with noise cancelling headphones.
I was coming back from Hobart today and my flight was delayed by about 45 minutes. I had had about three coffees in the space of an hour and was jumping out of my skin, and I thought there's no better way to simultaneously kill time AND calm my nerves than to have a wank.
I thought I'd make the most of it and took my headphones into the bathroom. Wanted to get the full experience. I was having a mad time. I was holding off from cumming so as to draw the experience out when in comes a bloke who decides to take a shit right next to me. Usually I'm pretty good at blocking out distractions while masturbating, but this dude was going hard. It was like he was trying to win a sort of poo contest or something. It was filthy. Anyway, I wasn't going to give up (once you're going for it there aint no stopping, every man knows that. You don't stop till the jobs done) and so I flicked the noise cancelling switch on my headphones and delved completely into my pixelated world of erotica.
I don't know how much longer I was in the toilet for, but it must have been a while because when I came out I discovered that my flight was already boarded and ready to go without me. Luckily the flight attendant at the gate, who looked at me like I was some kind of idiot, let me dash across the tarmac and down the airplanes isle of shame.
Everyone was looking at me like I was some kind of cunt, which I guess I was. It just strikes me as funny that while these people were sitting and waiting to take off, I was furiously tugging away in an aurora of semi-digested buritos and prostate cancer prevention advertisements.
murderouspanda00: >Anyway, I wasn't going to give up (once you're going for it there aint no stopping, every man knows that. You don't stop till the jobs done)
I admire your dedication, but heartily disagree.
jjmf9: You ain't no man!
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1408948076 | 1409126555 | t3_2eiclw | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a stranger home from the bar...
A typical beginning that sees a pretty bizarre end. Hope you all bare with me to witness the layers unfold in this peculiar recollection.
I live in a Southern California beach town, where I suppose the ways of life are a bit more lax than usual. About four months ago on a cool and breezy Monday night, I was hanging at my apartment alone and bored when I decided to steady the boredom with some cocaine and whiskey. After a few lines and a couple of drinks, I grew tired of the radio and isolation so I hopped across the street to the bar for a little bit of writing and some hollow company that would make due.
I sat at the bar, which was fairly deserted, and immediately noticed a girl sitting on the other side of the bar drinking vodka martinis by her lonesome. She looked kinky--tattoos covered her arms and shoulders, her hair was dyed a striking blue, and piercings up the wazoo. I'm kind of into that sort of thing, freedom with the ostensible usually means freedom behind closed doors as well.
So I put away the pen and pad, grab my drink and walk over, delivering a cool line that sealed my fate for the night: "Is this seat taken?" It wasn't, and so I sat and bought her a drink. (I'll note here that she was twenty-eight, and at this time I was twenty-two).
We began to talk a bit about our tattoos, life--I honestly don't remember too much of the conversation, I was pretty coked out and tipsy at this point. A means came to an end and we were outside smoking a cigarette, when we walked to the beach and started necking. Here's where it begins to get a bit strange.
It's just the two of us on the beach, the only sound is of our lips as they smack together against the white noise of crashing tide, when she suddenly sits up. "Funny thing about life," she quips. "You don't know things until it's too late. Me, I learned way too much about life too early." RED FLAG NUMBER ONE. Should have skipped the fuck out at this point, but being fucked up and horny I stayed. I didn't really press it, because I'm fairly certain the line revolved around some sort of early abuse. Major mood killer. But I indulged the thought about life, and she ended up asking if I would walk her back to her apartment. I agreed. Who says chivalry isn't dead?
Outside her place we neck a bit more, and I ask if I can come up. "You can," she says. "But I have to warn you: I live with my mom, and she's here with a boyfriend who's your age." OK, probably a red flag, but I've come this far, why not stick it out to the end. I can put up with a little strange in the quest for coitus. So we go upstairs, and she opens the door.
Red flags, red flags everywhere. The place reeks of kitty litter and shame, drug paraphernalia EVERYWHERE (and not just the marijuana kind), Christmas trees with lights (it's about April) and, oh yea her mom
HITTING THE BONG WITH A TWENTY YEAR OLD FILIPINO DUDE ON THE COUCH. She starts to scream: "MOM, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM."
"WELL FUCK YOU!" The mom begrudgingly gets up, takes the Filipino kid with her down the hall to a bedroom. OK, strange, but I'm already here, already here, I can do this...Not every family is like Fresh Prince, I can do this...
Then the mom comes storming back out, a small, ratty chihuaha in her hands. "YOU'RE WATCHING THE FUCKING DOG" she cried, and chucks the nasty runt to the girl. My girl takes the dog, and we plop ourselves down on the couch and turns on the TV. OK, strangeness over, I thought, let's get this party started. So I start to make out with this chick. I start to move my hand up her stomach. I grab her breast AND THE CHIHUAHA BITES MY HAND. "Ah!" I cry. She is unfazed. We begin to neck again, and again I move my hand to her breast when the little mutt BITES ME AGAIN and starts to growl. "Ah!" I repeat. "Um," I say. "Can't you put the dog down?"
"No," she says. "He makes me feel safe." So I give up and turn toward the South Park playing on the tele. Sensing my disinterest she begins to tell me that there's a married couple that lives upstairs that she can call, that can come hang out with us. "Uhh," I reply. "I think I'm gonna go."
She asks if we can smoke a cigarette on her stoop before I leave, I say sure. So we're smoking, I'm sitting, when she tells me, out of the blue: "So, where you're sitting right now, is where my ex-boyfriend tried to kill himself." I cannot be fazed by anything else this girl has to present to me.
"Oh yea?"
"Yea, there was blood everywhere." I sort of grunted, said I'd call her, and got the fuck out of there. She lives about five hundred yards from my apartment, fucking amazed that I've never run into her since.
TL;DR Got fucked up and took a stranger back to her home; Harassed by a junky mom, bitten by a dog and probably traumatized more than I can register.
Teotwawki69: TL;DR: I'm an asshole.
aGoodGamingName: In what way?
Teotwawki69: Every way?
aGoodGamingName: I really dont see how op did anything wrong? What do you mean by him being a asshole?
Teotwawki69: He basically poured his self-esteem in the toilet to get pussy, which reeks of desperate, which reeks of loser. He himself pointed out every red flag that he ignored on his quest to dip his dick in a not so hot chick with issues.
So, yeah... he was an asshole in every possible way.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1408941684 | 1408986011 | t3_2ei5db | t5_2to41 | 3 | soiguessthisisit: TIFU by going on Leviathan Roller Coaster In Canada's Wonderland
This happened a few days ago. This is also my First TIFU and am Bad in explaining.
So my cousins came to visit me here in Toronto and decided to go to Wonderland since they love roller coasters, unlike them I hate roller coasters. This was also my first time on Leviathan (btw I have never visited wonderland before).
I didn't want to go since I knew they would also drag me on Coasters, Eventually we went there and unfortunately the first ride we got on was Leviathan. We waited approximately 20 minutes in line to get our turn.
My cousins sat in front and I behind them. So when we were about to drop my cousin yells Put your hands up we will be dropping soon so I decided to look back bit by twisting my neck to see the view and then and there right at that moment we drop.
I Shit you not when we dropped my neck bent a bit and i couldn't move my body for 5 seconds. I freaked a bit and had the most weird thoughts. I can't believe the first thing that came to my mind was *FML if I became paralyzed how the fuck would I masturbate*.
When I started to move again I was so fucking happy and sad/terrified at the same time. I had my eyes at the verge of tears.
They forced me to go on more rides and now I lost my fear, but neck still slightly hurts if I move in certain position.
eedoamitay: A bird once exploded on the front coaster car of Levithan, spewing guts all over the front passengers... At least you did not have this happen to you. It was a nasty scene to watch when they pulled up and one girls screaming non stop
soiguessthisisit: OMG If it had happened to me I would have freaked and would never go on coaster again
| 3 | 1 | |
1408949311 | 1409006062 | t3_2eidpx | t5_2to41 | 6 | Htb132: TIFU by losing my steam dollars...
So I have this stupid habit of making multiple email accounts.
For example, I have dummy email accounts to sign up for things like Steam or Facebook so I don't have to receive the spam emails and notifications.
I've also changed computers almost every year for the past few years, so I have made multiple Steam accounts.
I was recently gifted a Steam gift card, and made a new account to deposit the money onto, but completely forgot which email I used to sign up for it.
I'm thoroughly pissed because I usually keep better track of virtual money and I was waiting to spend the steam dollars until I got a new computer.
So today, I installed Steam and completely forgot which email / account I used to put the money on.
Fack.
TLDR; forgot which Steam account I used to save up virtual monies. I feel like the internet has betrayed me.
steezyvape: Keep an encrypted/protected file (or sticky note or whatever you will always have safe) with your accounts and what they are used for.
If you have trouble with passwords, write down a password hint so you always know which password you used.
I use shorthand mixed with abbreviations. Maintains some sense of security, while allowing me to free up space in my noggin for important stuff, rather than what username and password I used for that one email account I never really use.
Htb132: Good advice. I actually do this at work but not really at home.
Definitely will work harder to keep track of this stuff in the future.
steezyvape: Yeah, I can't even count how many times this has saved me from losing important shit, or even worse, having to go through password resets.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408952493 | 1408958657 | t3_2eigk9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | person66: TIFU by supergluing a fan to my bed
Well, the title pretty much says it all. I superglued a fan to my bed. Oops.
So, I work in the warehouse at Canadian Tire. One of my jobs is destroying returned items and throwing them out. (Obviously this is only for the items that we write off, a lot of stuff gets shipped away for repairs or whatnot). A perk of this is we can often buy (slightly broken) stuff for really cheap. So anyway, I was in the back destroying some returned shit when I came across a fan that "wouldn't oscillate". Me, being in need of a fan, talked with a manger and got the $60 fan for about $15. Great!
So I bring it home, and it works great, but man, wouldn't it be a lot better if it oscillated? Well, I decided to open the thing up and find out what the problem was. Now, I think it is important to mention that the fan was being used in my room, and I am far too lazy to carry it somewhere else, so I decide to use the bed as my work table. Making quick work of the screws, I pop the back off (its a tower fan, btw) and find the problem. A little piece of plastic connecting the base of the fan to the oscillating motor had broken off. Easy fix right? Just fix that piece back to the base and I'm golden.
Well, I started of trying to attach it with a screw, but that didn't really work, cause the screw couldn't go deep enough into the little plastic piece (which was hollow) to catch. But I can fix that, I'll just pour some superglue in the other end! Because I am terrible at explaining this, here is an illustration that probably won't help at all: http://i.imgur.com/IaTzBjp.png
As you can see, this is a genius solution that could never possibly go wrong. The superglue will secure the little piece to the top of the screw and the fan will oscillate and everything will be perfect and happy in the world. In no way could this backfire on me, unless the superglue works its way all the way down the hole the screw was in and drips out the other end, securely fastening the base of my fan to my bedsheets. But that could never happen. And even if it did, don't worry, I thought ahead and put some tissue between the fan and my sheets.
Fat lot of good that did me. Of course, the superglue worked its way down the screw and down the hollow bit of the base to the very bottom, where it soaked through the tissues and into my bedsheets, fastening everything firmly together. So now my bed has a fan built right in!
Woohoo!
Well, I got out the nail polish remover and eventually got the fan detached. Theres still some superglue on the sheet, and its bleached a bit from the nail polish remover, but hey, at least there isn't a fan attached anymore. I was going to get new sheets anyways because these ones were getting faded, but I was hoping they would last me a little longer.
Here's a pic of what it looks like now: http://i.imgur.com/DlZjUC6.jpg (That looks a lot worse then it actually is. It's only really bleached right around the glue, not sure why everything is kinda pinkish in the pic.)
TL;DR: Got a fan for cheap cause it wouldn't oscillate. Tried to fix it. Ended up supergluing it to my bed.
EDIT: I tried putting the fan back together and the little piece broke off again. FML.
ChroniclesIY: you should have used a longer screw?
person66: I couldn't cause the rest of the space in the little piece was needed for the screw that attached it to the oscillator motor. Also I didn't have a large selection of screws available and didn't want to buy more.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1408952649 | 1409008365 | t3_2eigoy | t5_2to41 | 129 | PM_ME_UR_LATINA_TITS: TIFU by creating this username
Well, TIFU whenever I created this username. My girlfriend, who is latina, sent me her 10/10 breasts.
When I confronted her about it, she told me she didn't realize it was me.
TIL what it feels like to be single in the year 2014.
theeace:
>TIL what it feels like to be single in the year 2014.
So who broke up with who?
PM_ME_UR_LATINA_TITS: She with I.
[deleted]: She sends her boobs to random people and then dumps you?
I wouldn't feel too down m8. She doesn't sound like a great gf.
TagPro-elfballer: He set up an account specifically to get tit picks sent to it. Neither sound very good to each other.
[deleted]: It's pretty obvious that it's a satirical account.
TagPro-elfballer: Obviously not.
[deleted]: Okay, well OP's username gave him the potential to be a cheater, but she actually *did* cheat. She's still more in the wrong.
husao: More and less wrong is a great basis to continue a relationship
[deleted]: I never said they should continue the relationship. If someone cheats then you should discontinue immediately and never look back.
| 10 | 12.9 | |
1408953729 | 1408984976 | t3_2eihl8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | PMmefatherhoodadvice: TIFU by taking her word for it...
Slaugh: abort!
PMmefatherhoodadvice: Nah man. I'm not cool with abortions.
TheGwolo: abort!
PMmefatherhoodadvice: Haha
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1408954320 | 1408956905 | t3_2eii2s | t5_2to41 | 0 | tifuthroway69: TIFU by listening to my penis, and being a total idiot.
Rudas_Iskariot: Fucking Southerners
tifuthroway69: I'm from the west coast actually. We moved out when I was 16 for reasons I don't comprehend.
| 3 | 0 | |
1408957142 | 1408992198 | t3_2eikac | t5_2to41 | 17 | Brintyboo: TIFU by saving a kitten
So I go to bed just after midnight, but find myself unable to sleep due to the cries of a seriously distressed kitten coming from outside. I decide to check it out and I find a kitten, maybe 6 weeks old, stuck in a bush, in the rain, screaming it's little heart out. I kept my distance for a while trying to see if there was a mother on the scene, but alas, the kitten had gotten stuck and seemed to have been abandoned by it's brethren.
Acting on instinct and my love for cats I managed to dislodge the animal, wrap it in a towel and bring it inside for something to eat and drink (the little bugger was famished), thinking "I will deal with this in the morning".
I soon remembered that kittens are fucking loud, even louder when they're scared. The sucker did not take a breath. All. Night. I maybe got an hour of sleep, which was pretty terrible considering I had to deliver an important speech today.
I leave the sucker in my apartment while I go to work, where I go to my supervisor for help in regards to taking the noisy jerk to an adoption shelter...... Oh, did I mention that I recently moved to Japan? Did you know that animal shelters aren't really a thing here and any animal that ends up in one is pretty much on death row? BECAUSE I DIDN'T.
So now I'm in my apartment, with a noisy jerk of a kitten who I have to try and re-home personally ASAP because I'm not allowed to have pets........ anyone here from the Chugoku region who wants a kitten?
hazardousduke: You found a pussy in a bush. Congrats.
fomeyfwa: Epic applaud for this comment. two thumbs up.
-y-y-: So you're saying you have an alt?
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1408953239 | 1408966532 | t3_2eih7p | t5_2to41 | 5 | Hard_Avid_Sir: TIFU by walking home way too drunk
I decided to bring some beers down to my friends house and get a little silly. Once everything was said and done for the night, I figured I could just walk back 3-4 miles through the middle of nowhere back home. Done it plenty of times. Blacked out a bit part way through my trek and woke up in a ditch, standing in several feet of water, my knee and elbow hurting.
My phone took a bit of water but seems to have sorted itself out, as for my body [though](http://imgur.com/a/w2hgF#0)...
Pretty sure this is gonna sting tomorrow morning when I'm sober.
hazardousduke: "Some beers" Got you waking up in a random ditch with a bloody knee drunk? Dude, you were raped.
StonedLizard: Or at least jumped, I got mugged one time walking home drunk and stoned one time in south central. Never again lol
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1408952343 | 1408962433 | t3_2eiggi | t5_2to41 | 0 | colourmebread: TIFU by upsetting a stripper at a bachelor party
hazardousduke: Dude! How fucking rude! She is trying to do her job as an honorable member of society by using her body to gain money and the drunken hornyness of men. Why ask such a filthy thing to a STRIPPER?!
colourmebread: I know! Maybe she was one of them classy strippers
| 3 | 0 | |
1408957449 | 1408977232 | t3_2eikjs | t5_2to41 | 10 | Ruby_she_funny: TIFU by letting a guy I met on the internet drive me to work.
I've been doing online dating for 5 months. My 25th first date was Thursday. We had chatted on the phone and texted for about a week and a half before we met. He invited me to a bar 2 blocks from my house, saying that he was going to be there with some buddies and we should pretend like we didn't know each other and he was picking me up in the bar. I thought what the hell, it probably will be fun. Dude's homeboys ditch him and watch from afar as we start talking. Date went pretty well, he wasn't drinking, I was. We danced and talked and had fun until the place closed. I was wearing a short romper that is pretty sexy. I trusted him enough to let him drive me home. We kissed in the car. End of date. We text a few times next day about how we both had fun meeting. Cut to yesterday, now 2 days after meeting. My car is messed up from parked hit and run and at the mechanic. Dude texts me and asks how I am getting to work and offers me a ride. Who doesn't like getting driven around? I accepted. On the way I remember that I forgot to bring my lunch. He offers to stop and pick up food. I offered to pay since he had driven 20 minutes from home and battled beach weekend traffic to chaffeur me to work. He insists and pays. I thank him and hug him when he drops me off. I text him once at work asking if he was studying because he said he was procrastinating. He texts me around 11 and asks what I am doing and I told him I was with my girlfriends. He said have fun. We had talked about getting together today. I woke up to these texts from him:
Hey I don't I should hang with to today. All I think about is how good it'll feel to be inside you. I think you're very beautiful and a wonderful person. I'm really really attracted to you and I'm sure we'll have a lot fun but I dunno, I guess I'm just confuse of what I want right now. I just got out of a relationship and I don't want to be smothered into one right away and I'm also worries about school.
I'm so stressed :/
I don't knw what to do. Help!
Maybe I'm just overthinking things. I just wanna have fun. And you're a lot of fun .
And then an hour later:
Are you gonna ignore me now!? :(
The third text actually woke me up. Didn't appreciate waking up to crazy-town at first. This is a person I have spent a total of 3.5 hours with. Never laughed so hard though once I saw the humor in it. I don't even have this guy's number saved in my phone and he thinks I want his babies! This was my response:
Hey didn't mean to smother you. My bad. Good luck in your search.
His:
Don't be like that! I don't want you to get hurt thinking I'm gonna jump into a relationship. That's all.
I do want to hang.
Followed by:
Honesty in America is not appreciated huh
Me:
I truly appreciate your honesty. I haven't asked you for anything; but I don't want to be by anybody that isn't sure that they want to be by me.
Him:
See that's what I'm talking about. I know you haven't said anything but I feel like you want to jump into a relationship ASAP. Maybe I'm wrong.
You have to remember I just met you Thursday night. I don't even knw your last name
Or your middle name
Me:
Please do me two favors: re-read what you texted me this am and then delete my number out of your phone.
Him:
I didn't mean to offend you.
I just wanted to slow things down
Me:
Don't flatter yourself. Just go away.
Him:
Damn you're really upset.
You don't hae to be mean about it. I said sorry
And here is the doozy:
Him:
I really like you and I'll never do anything to hurt you. :(
And then I stopped responding because I know better than to argue with a crazy person! We already got married, had kids, broke up, got back together and lived crazily ever after! I have to say, I am fed up. So, reddit, I present to you:
Ode To Match Dot Com
Oh, Match dot com, match dot com,
Is God up there saying this is the bad batch dot come?
The short ones are pricks,
The tall ones are dicks,
And nobody looks anything like their pics!
Oh match dot cot com,
Match dot com.
Where is their server?
...I could drop a bomb.
I went online,
Time for something different to find.
It's different, all right!
Either, a wife interview,
Or, hey! Want to screw?
Oh, match dot com,
Match dot com.
Think I'd be better off getting set up by my drunk ass mom!
Amy said, "Join match, for the different kind of guys you'll meet."
Then why did I meet 2 that live on my street?
One shows up with a mustache that reminds me of my Dad,
One won't stop asking me questions and is driving me mad!
One texts me after first date:
"Hey, that went great!"
Maybe for you,
That was MY food that you ate!
Twenty five first dates,
Maybe I took it too far.
Ef this shit,
I'll just get laid from the bar.
caretaker81: Lessons to be learned from this: Don't show any signs of insecurity to a girl you just met.
tiikaiielle: Pretty sure if a girl did what he did to her, you'd think she was a psycho.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1408960776 | 1408961829 | t3_2ein66 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: Tifu first badoo meet up!
Assfister: Yeah. That totally happened.
Italianguy1337: Lived it bro.
Assfister: Which movie did you see this happening in?
Italianguy1337: U mad bro?
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1408954626 | 1409048376 | t3_2eiibi | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by using a telephone.
This happened quite a while ago and technically it was me and my mate that both fucked up. This was back in the day when we still had landline phones and my mate had one of those answering machines with the tiny cassette tape.
So anyway I rang my mate (let's call him Dudeguy) and we were talking about the usual bloke stuff, like how good our latest tree harvest was and what good quality it was, how stoned we were etc.
His next door neighbour was a pretty hot milf and he could see her place from the window near where his phone was. She came outside so Dudeguy was telling me Bigtittedhotblonde was outside, how good she was looking today and how much he would love to fuck her. Of course, being a male I agreed and more than likely said the same sort of thing.(Remember this was well over 10 years ago so I don't remember the exact conversation word for word).
Fast forward a few days and I get a call from him saying Fishboneskeletonkey we really fucked up. You better come over here now, I've got something to show you. Now Dudeguy could probably have his very own TIFU sub with the amount of stupid shit he has done over the years, so I can't begin to imagine what it is this time. I'm slightly worried though because he said WE fucked up.
I get to his place and he points to the answering machine and says listen to this.
Instead of the usual "Hi, you've reached Mr and Mrs Dudeguy. We can't take your call blah blah", there is a recording of our conversation from a few days ago. So for the past few days anyone who reached their machine heard us talking about growing and smoking trees and wanting to fuck his big titted neighbour.
Now,I have never owned an answering machine and don't know how they work but I assume he accidently hit record message while we were talking. Our convo took up the whole tape, so no messages were left but judging by the usual number of calls the Dudeguys usually receive there was no doubt in our minds a lot of people (including his and her parents) more than likely listened to it.
I ejected the tape and destroyed it. Like Dudeguy you are probably wondering why I didn't just get him to erase it, but given his history with using answering machines I wasn't taking any chances.
Nobody ever mentioned hearing it, but for a long time afterwards I couldn't help but wonder which friends and family heard it and were silently judging us.
lordthistlewaiteofha: What are some of dudeguys other TIFU stories?
[deleted]: He probably wouldn't appreciate me telling everyone but I doubt he knows about reddit, so a few stories won't hurt. It takes me ages to type so I'll make them short.
One time when we were younger we went to a place where we used to jump off this cliff(about 10 metres high) into the ocean. It was as safe as cliff jumping can be, until Dudeguy decides to do a cartwheel off the cliff and lands flat on his back. He couldn't move very well so we had to jump in to help him. To make things worse it's not an easy climb to get out of the water especially when there is a surge from the breaking waves. We finally get him out and then have to struggle through a half hour walk through a bush track up and over the mountain. At the time he was the only one with a licence so he had to drive us home with a totally fucked back. Not really a funny story just typical DG.
Another time when I had just finished building my first home DG came over to visit. The driveway was fairly steep and had a bit of a curve so it was tricky to reverse out of. It was a stencil driveway with a clear sealant, so was slippery in the wet. Not the best choice in hindsight but I didn't know at the time.
So instead of parking up on the street DG parks at the bottom of the drive, nose up to the garage door meaning he would have to do a reverse hill start to get out. I should also mention it was raining that day.
Later on when he left to go home we were inside and could hear what sounded like someone doing a burnout. We raced outside and there's Dudeguy reversing his 4WD up the steep driveway, wheels spinning and leaving 2 big black tyre marks the length of my brand new driveway. He was looking over his shoulder to see where he was going, so didn't see what he was doing and also had music blasting in his headphones so couldn't hear his wheels spinning.
We were waving our arms and calling out to him and when he finally noticed us he thought we were waving goodbye so he waved back and kept going. Because the driveway was coated in a clear lacquer sealant the friction of his tyres spinning actually melted his tyre marks into the sealant. Thanks Dudeguy.
Another time he came over for a party and parked down the bottom of the drive but further down the side of the house. Everyone had gone to bed and at 4am we heard a loud crash. Dudeguy had decided it was a good idea to drive home instead of sleeping in the spare room so he threw his backpack in the passenger seat and started reversing up the drive. It would of been better ifhe remembered to shut the passenger door first. Same as last time he is looking over his shoulder while reversing and didn't notice the door was open until he hit the side of the house and nearly tore the door off the hinges. There was a bit of damage to the bricks and render, but a lot more damage to his door and front panel which was all dented in.. Instead of giving up and going back to bed he decided to forcethe door shut and keep going. It made a fuckload of noise at that time of the morning so of course all the neighbours woke up.
That's just a few stories off the top of my head. He's a good mate so I don't want to burn him to much.
lordthistlewaiteofha: Ok. I'm sorry if it seemed like I wanted you to badmouth him.
[deleted]: No worries mate, I didn't take it that way at all.If I think of some more stories I'll post them some other time.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1408965723 | 1409062204 | t3_2eirlx | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU By watching "gay asian porn" during class (kinda NSFW I guess)
This happened a couple years ago when I was still in highschool.
Some during my freshman year of highschool I had suffered a rather bad break in my left arm which required a full arm cast for quite a period of time. This proved problematic for classes such as band, where I no longer would be able to play my instrument, the clarinet. Not playing during class became very boring quickly for me and as a result I started to fuel and be a distraction for the class. You have to understand that my band teacher was an ancient, old fashioned lady who was not equipped with the skills to properly manage teenagers, though I was being an ass. Anyways to put a stop to me, she put me in a practice room and was told this would be time for me to do homework and only homework, So of course that isn't what I would do. I started to go through movies on my ipod, eventually landing on the movie The Hangover.
This is where it gets interesting. So of course me being a dumb freshman in highschool, I get caught by my band teacher, but she didn't think I was watching no regular movie. When she walked in on me watching the movie, I was startled and instead of doing the smart thing I handed my ipod over to her as she directed, but with it still on and playing the movie, It was during the scene where Mr. Chow (played by Ken Jeong) jumps out of a trunk of a car naked and starts causing a ruckus. Again my band teacher was very old fashioned so she assumed that in fact that I was not watching some regular movie, but that I was watching gay asian porn.
Because obviously if this were actually the case that's a pretty big deal in highschool. My parents were called, the principle was brought brought in, along with the school counselor. We all got to have one big fun meeting with everybody to discuss my "uncontrollable habit." No of course these people were much more reasonable than my band teacher, so the truth came out quickly, but for the half an hour where all these people thought I was watching "gay asian porn" in school was horrifying. The principle gave me more disturbing looks that day then I had ever received before, and that moment where my parents walked into the door and looked at me was frightening. Bad enough that even when the truth came out, I was still disciplined pretty severely at home.
Never again was I able to look at my band teacher again, and that has gone down as my most awkward moment in highschool.
antony1197: Who the fuck doesnt know who Mr. Chow is? That man is a beast.
[deleted]: I have no idea who he is. I'm also in Canada.
gabeNPleasePleaseMe: You forgot to say sorry
[deleted]: That joke is old and worn out.
gabeNPleasePleaseMe: Like your mom then
[deleted]: You're re-enforcing the American stereotypes.
gabeNPleasePleaseMe: I'm not American
[deleted]: It's easy to assume American as reddit's user base is mostly American.
| 9 | 5.555556 | |
1408969418 | 1408971533 | t3_2eivfv | t5_2to41 | 6 | tennopi11: TIFU by lying on my CV
The_Fiddler1979: One option available to you, IF you've been performing well in your current role, is to front up to your manager and tell them you lied and it was to get the position.
IF you've been performing well, manager will maybe turn a blind eye.
Also, as /u/ecclectic stated:
>But really, outright lying on a CV is just a bad idea in an situation.
I'm also curious as to why you never worked at your parents cafe, even for work experience?
tennopi11: It's part of my contract, that anything that I've lied about in my CV is an immediate dismissal.
I've been away at college for the past couple of years, but before then I was really never interested.
The_Fiddler1979: I'm surprised that a company would go following up your references etc AFTER you've been employed.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1408969932 | 1408998236 | t3_2eiw2i | t5_2to41 | 166 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting a picture of myself nude with a snail covering my junk on the investor presentation draft
Well i never thought i'd be posting here, but today i really fucked up, the other night i was joking around with a friend after i found out she was scared of snails, i took a nude and pasted terribly a large snail i found online over my junk and sent her the picture, we had a laugh and i went to sleep.
Turns out i did not shut down my computer so all the tabs were still running when i opened it up at my internship this morning, i quickly realised what had happened and i closed the tabs, i don't know how i don't know why but for some goddamn reason i accidentally copy pasted the practically nude picture of myself onto the google drive document shared by those in my office 4 times over, they opened what they thought was the presentation draft and were instead greeted by my naked body and a large snail where my junk should be, naturally they thought someone had hacked the file, i painstakingly admitted the image was of me and it was my mistake, they had a good laugh told me to be more careful and to delete it but my face is still bright red and i'm never living this down.
here is said image probably not safe for work:http://imgur.com/73JXkse
FatalPinkness: I.. you.. what?!?
[deleted]: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED AND I AM ABOUT READY TO DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT
FatalPinkness: Yes I believe you, I just can't wrap my head around how you can post something in Google Drive accidentally.. I mean, it's quite a lot of misclicks?
[deleted]: i don't know it felt like the laptop was glitching a bit, maybe the gods decided to hate me today, i honestly have no clue how it happened.
FatalPinkness: I don't know if it helps, but imagine if it was an actual nude picture.. that would've been worse maybe?? I'm not really sure about this though..
FatalPinkness: I just realised you snailmailed your office.
geoelectric: *snailmale
| 8 | 20.75 | |
1408985921 | 1408999074 | t3_2eiwad | t5_2to41 | 7 | okbye9: I would.
rivermandan: you would watch your cousin/son/grandson/brother/etc. get a blowjob?
okbye9: I don't have children. At a large wedding chances that it's an immediate relative are slim.
rivermandan: allright then, you would watch your friend get a bj on live stream and not bother letting him know that a wedding is watching the whole thing? that is a pretty big dick move
okbye9: You're really stretching there assuming who it might be.
rivermandan: so what, a bunch of strangers just get together and go to weddings? how do you even get invited to a wedding if you aren't a friend or related?
okbye9: You're also taking this way too seriously.
rivermandan: I simply pointed out how this obviously didn't happen; you are the one trying to explain how nobody knows each other at weddings, which is about the silliest thing I've heard
okbye9: That's not what I said at all.
rivermandan: allright, well, you said it likely wasn't a relative, and that recognizing them as a friend is "really stretching" it, when what are you saying? are they all co workers then?
jeez, Im going to let you continue clicking the little down arrow which you seem to love so much, and go back to watching TV. later boner ^^
| 10 | 0.7 | |
1408970610 | 1409029019 | t3_2eiwwl | t5_2to41 | 63 | Gloopiegloo: TIFU by masterbating at work
Okay so I'm a typical teen male 19 going onto 20 and I work at a construction company and sometimes go to the office to update daily reports, so before I was called to update them a friend texts me a link to a vid on pornhub and I begin watching and well the obvious thing happens and one vid leads to another and so on, eventually I'm so horny and I am called to the office for my daily routine but with a rock hard boner, I managed to tuck it between my belt and stomach and immediately went to the bathroom, so I think to myself "the only way to get this raging wood down is to relieve myself" so I began to watch the vids on my phone but silently and began to choke my chicken, it became intense and I came but this is where I fucked up because as I came I let go of it and I came all over my shirt and stomach, now I'm thinking "well this time I really fucked up" because it was as clear as day that the wet stripes and drops were cum on my black shirt so I tried to flush the toilet and spray water on my shirt to make it look like the tap had too much pressure but even worse the water began to dry out but the cum stripes and drops remained there and became more visible as it dried, I wore that shirt the whole day until I got home...
It's my first post on reddit and I hope people laugh and learn from my mistake.. Also sorry if I made any mistakes
CM_Mario: TL;DR Came on shirt at work, everyone knew.
Edit: Didn't know the right past-tense version of cum.
Edit 2.0: Confirmed; Came.
Voyager5555: It's "came"
payattentionimsmart: He came, he came, and he conquered
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1408970033 | 1409034498 | t3_2eiw71 | t5_2to41 | 250 | throwaway16487: Tifu by masturbating and getting caught twice. (Nsfw )
So just moved into my dorm. Met my roommate, seems pretty cool. We get along pretty well, that is until the last couple of days.
So I'm a heavy masturbator, I'll admit. Usually three times a day, if not more. So the odds of someone catching me already is pretty high since I masturbate so much but I have never been caught before. Well not until the four days ago. I'm jerking it to Rachel Starr and I hear the keys jingle in front of my door. My heart sinks and I'm frozen with fear. He opens the door, my dick harder than diamond, he's the first to say something and it's sorry. So I quickly pull my pants up, ignoring my wet boner and start to apologize. He said it's ok, that'd It's normal.
So we decide to post our scheduled for our classes to make sure we don't do this again. Call it our masturbating schedule. So it's 11:30, he has class until 12:20. I pull up my laptop and start watching that Rachel Starr video again, cause I was in the mood for that booty. Right when I start, key jingles. I was able to yell this time, call it ptsd since my body was able to react without me thinking. My roommate again says sorry. I get mad this time, yesterday was my fault, today is yours, you should have known.... YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!! Apparently his professor let class go early.
Now my roommate thinks, and rightfully so, that I masturbate a lot. I'm trying to catch him now to even the score.
Tldr; read the title
zacablast3r: Which Rachel Starr video?
throwaway16487: Stranger danger with kerian Lee
zacablast3r: Thanks. I needed that for... Reasons.
A_Typical_Noob: I'd like a 500 word review in my inbox by 5 pm tomorrow.
Baked_Charmander: You say that now but you'd freak out if OP delivered.
bdawgsupreme: single tear if OP delivers
will713: *I cri ery tim*
| 8 | 31.25 | |
1408971711 | 1408979801 | t3_2eiy8i | t5_2to41 | 6 | Seekandinspire: Tifu by letting my ferrets roam my room
My girlfriend lived with her grandparents since she was little, and recently her grandfather had passed. With the empty space in the house, she asked if I wanted to move in, which I accepted. So, it's just me her and her grandmother. We also got a pair of ferrets a couple days ago, and the previous owners told us we should let them out for a few hours a day.
Come today, she had left for a 8AM class and I am sitting alone in the room and decided to let the ferrets out to release some energy. I was just derping around on my laptop and watching tv when her grandmother comes in and asks if I was hungry. At that very moment, a ferret runs across the floor from under the dresser with a condemn on his nose. It was a new condemn, mind you, he probably found it in the dresser where he tends to climb into and rummage around. I immediately pick him up and take it off, but not before her grandmother sees and she's just staring. I say, "No, I'm fine." and she walks out without saying a word. Now I'm sitting here, not sure whether to laugh my ass off, apologize, or not say a word about it. I'm just scared to leave the room!
Tl;dr: My ferret raided my condemn stash and ran into my girlfriends grandmother with a condemn on his face.
baconbiscuitbadger: I give the ferret some credit..... I can barely get a condemn open and put on when its go time without at least a little trouble....
Seekandinspire: Well he's got claws...
| 3 | 2 | |
1408974711 | 1409035762 | t3_2ej2hz | t5_2to41 | 88 | BelleBall: TIFU by putting my underwear in the wash
TL;DR: weird guy steals my collection of lingerie for crossdressing, fallout might rip my life apart.
A bit of background first I guess. I'm a young professional guy at a fairly conservative company. My base is a small town but I travel for work. I am also an occasional crossdresser, and have been for as long as I can remember. It's something I keep private.
For about a year I lived with two girls, Emily and Kate. They're both awesome, the sort of people who make the world a better place just by being in it. A couple of months ago Emily got the job offer of a lifetime and moved away to take it. She'd worked really hard and we were proud as.
Kate and I decided to stay with just the two of us in the flat. It was amazing living with her. She's the sort of girl you'd do anything for because she'd do anything for you. The sort of girl I'd marry if she wasn't way out of my league in every way, and if she didn't know me too well already.
A few weeks ago we heard from a friend that her flatmate's brother Dave needed a place to crash for a couple of weeks. Sounded good, we had the space.
All went well for a week or so. He was quiet and a bit intense, but we figured it would be hard to settle in someone else’s home like that.
Anyway, I got called to say I had to unexpectedly head out to site the next day. As I threw stuff in the washing machine I figured I'd put part of my collection of girly things in. A few pairs of pants, bras, stockings, garter belts, stuff like that. To make them easy to sneak around I put them in a pillowcase. The washing finished but Kate had stuff in the dryer, so left mine next to it, put the pillowcase in my room and headed out to grab some stuff.
After a couple of hours I had one of those stomach dropping moments when I realised I had forgotten to grab the pillowcase. Not a disaster though right?
Then I got the first text from Kate. Dave had sent her a text thanking her for leaving stuff out for him, and sent a series of photos of underwear. I hadn't even worked out how to respond when she forwarded a new one, of Dave wearing the underwear. Then another, with the underwear on one of those weird sex doll things.
She was devastated, obviously. It's a massive breach of privacy and really creepy. The only thing I could think to do was to let her know it wasn't actually hers. I guess my wording was off, since I text her something like; Dave was out of line, that was my underwear, I'd head straight home and sort it out. So now she thought I'd stolen it first, or was planning to, or I thought she belonged to me or something.
I get home and Kate isn't there. There's underwear everywhere. From the look of it Dave had... liberally used? one pair of pants then left it hanging on Kate's door handle. He comes out, raving about his love for her. He's on something. In one of the less rational moments in my life, I tell him it's my stuff. He just shuts down. We're standing in the hall, in the stillness before a tsunami hits.
He goes nuts, trashing stuff and running into walls. I retreat to my room. He goes off for a while then all goes quiet again. As I'm surveying the damage I get a text. It's a mass text he's sent everyone in his contacts about me being a disgusting pervert. It's full of lies but written incredibly well. It's almost immediately followed by a text from him saying that actually maybe he could love me. No idea how to react to that.
I don't have time to anyway. A text comes in from my manager, then my immediate supervisor. My second stomach dropping moment of the day as I realise he's copied my contacts at some point. Including clients. I'm bad for leaving my phone lying around and don't have a lock screen code.
I'm trying to process this when a mass picture text comes through. It's me in lingerie. He's taken it from my phone. I can't even remember taking it, in fact I was always very careful about not taking or deleting stuff like that. I go to check on my SD card. It's not there. He's stolen it and undeleted.
Dave hurls an almost constant stream of homophobic and other abuse at me as he storms out the flat. I almost feel a smile creep up at how constant it is, and how ridiculous this situation is, and how daft he must look before I take stock of what's happened and try and imagine where to go from here.
And that's where I am now. My best friend and roommate thinks I'm a creep. Almost everyone I know has been told I'm things I don't even want to repeat. Worst of all, he smashed my Stephen Fry talking clock in his rampage.
ChroniclesIY: "we heard from a friend that her flatmate's brother Dave needed a place to crash for a couple of weeks. Sounded good, we had the space."
Always vet the people who stay in your place.. once he sent the first text you should have called the police and thrown him out.. if you put the pillowcase in your room that means he went into your room and took the stuff.. incredible breach..
anyway call the police and get him arrested for data protection breaches, breach of privacy, libel, vandalism, assault and battery.
BelleBall: You're definitely right! We've just had a good run with roommates, and it's a family member of someone we know... should be fine right? We'll know next time.
The story seems to be he is a former addict of some kind, and being in a strange town he's been tempted and fallen off the wagon. Sort of explains the bizzare behaviour.
In my rush to leave I actually forgot to put it in my room. I can't remember if I left it on the pile or on a table or something.
solicitorpenguin: Call the police and have him arrested.
If his slanderous, homophobic behavior has a negative impact on your relationship with work, have him sued for harassment too.
I'm not even gay and his behavior seems unacceptable. If you let him get away with it, you are setting the precedent that being a reckless bigot is okay.
PrettyOddWoman: Just FYI just because a man cross dresses doesn't necessarily make him gay.
Just trying to educate a wee bit!
| 5 | 17.6 | |
1408975868 | 1408976946 | t3_2ej47x | t5_2to41 | -5 | question100: TIFU by giving my bf a blowjob in a photobooth
Voyager5555: ["So my bf and I are Indian"](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2eiwad/tifu_by_giving_my_bf_a_blowjob_in_a_photobooth/)
Yeah, I hate when I can't remember what race I am.
question100: gf on bf's account here: had autocorrect set wrong in that throwaway post.
Voyager5555: So it auto-corrected East Asian to South Asian? Amazing.
question100: no, see this account's posts: our laptop autocorrects as my bf works on, yes, south asian policy.
gardobus: it changed "Chinese" to "Indian"? Shittiest autocorrect ever.
| 6 | -0.833333 | |
1408976131 | 1408994836 | t3_2ej4mr | t5_2to41 | 119 | maidenlush: TIFU by taking a whole Ambien
I have Ambien prescribed to me for insomnia and am normally supposed to take half a pill as needed. Two nights ago I took half a pill and it wasn't helping me get to sleep as usual. It was a restless night with intermittent sleeping and waking. I ended up having about 3 hours of sleep total. Last night I wasn't going to chance it again since I have work today so I took a whole Ambien and then went to bed with a book...or so I thought.
I woke up with huge bruises on my knees and arms and a very pissed off SO. I asked why he was mad at me and apparently my Ambien self decided that she wasn't ready to go to bed yet. I got up and went into the living room and picked up my stepson's laptop and was looking at it trying to figure out how to open it. My stepson (all the while laughing his ass off at me) said there was a button but I couldn't find the button. There were so many buttons! Finally I found it and opened up and tapped on the keys with my pointer fingers. Eventually my SO took the laptop away from me and said that I should go back to bed. If only I was able to!
I couldn't stay standing up for some reason and fell down twice in my attempts to get back to the bedroom. One of the times I fell I ran into our end table, knocking the lamp and other miscellaneous decorations off it. During this time I was rambling on something about a river and how it flows over rocks and the stars falling (?). No one was quite sure what I was getting at there. Giving up on the whole walking thing my next brilliant idea was to crawl on the floor back to the bedroom. I guess this antic was not so funny. My SO tells me it looked like a scene out of The Exorcist. He then tried to help me walk to the room but I seemed to have lost all function and just flopped like a ragdoll. He ended up dragging me back to the room.
So now I'm here with an Ambien hangover and bruises all over the place. My stepson was still laughing at me even this morning, at least he got entertained. My SO thought I had a nightcap or something when I decided to go to bed and that I was drunk. It really was just the Ambien! He's still mad at me though. :(
TL;DR: Full doses of Ambien make you do crazy ass things that are both hilarious and scary.
baconbiscuitbadger: you omitted the part in your story when your SO tried to have sexy time with you
maidenlush: I think he was too irritated that he had to drag my body across half the house.
cspyny: Some people would like that ...
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Yes, they would.
cspyny: Is that something you may be particularly interested in? I mean ... given your screnname and all ...
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Well, to be completely honest, it turns me on when after a good bout of consensual intercourse, if I'm still horny, she agrees that I may play with her while she sleeps.
.
So I grab my tonka trucks and legos...
| 7 | 17 | |
1408977731 | 1408997328 | t3_2ej76s | t5_2to41 | 72 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my phone for porn [NSFW]
Sometimes we all gotta let abit of steam off,right? Well I truely did fuck up by using my phone. We have a good computer at home but my older brother( lets call him 'jack') always uses it and of course never lets his little bro use it.
So I had my phone, all ready to start up and I do my thing, viciously fapping to the most fucked up scenes on the internet when my phone dies down. Me being a complete fucking idiot that I am, I leave it as I need to go to some conference thing(im 18). Anyways i leave it to charge and then end up not going on it until the next day.
So the next day has passed and im sitting right in the fucking middle of my parents, put on the phone to maybe so a little bit of redditing, and yep you guessed it, the porn was on, full blast(used headphones) and my dad gave me the most fucking disgusting look i have ever seen while jack is just crapping himself with laughter.
We end up have one of those awkward talks about how they are 'fake', etc.
Shit, awkward years ahead.
TL;DR : used porn on phone, ran out of battery. Completely forgot until it was full blast in my parents ears
SamIsNotAmused: Not sure calling your brother "Jack" was the best idea considering the topic...
tiehunter: Clearly the OP is a little off.
Gehalgod: He'll come around.
| 4 | 18 | |
1408977999 | 1408987047 | t3_2ej7le | t5_2to41 | 11 | McShalepants: TIFU by giving my toilet an abortion.
So the other day I used too much toilet paper and clogged the toilet. Bad enough, but then I realized I didn't have a plunger, and neither did my roommates. I decided to try something an old friend had tried once that worked for him: I broke an old coat hanger and used it to move the TP and break it up so I wouldn't have to touch my own poo. I'm scraping the bowl, and it was working great. Then, right as I go to flush the broken-up poo paper, the hanger snaps in the toilet and gets flushed with it. I thought it would just go down the pipes and that would be the end of it, but it has caused a clog deep in there. I can't afford a plumber either, so I'm stuck using public toilets at school until it can figure out what to do.
**TLDR:** Stuck a coat hanger in the toilet to unclog it, ended up making it worse.
IAMAHippopotomous: You're going to have to get another, stronger, coat hanger and pull the broken one out with it. Or fish it out with your hand, get elbow deep.
[deleted]: years back my dad got one elbow deep on the toilet. I still don't understand why, I guess a situation like this... No wait I remember now: He had lost his watch down there. An expensive one, i guess.
The thing is not only he stuck his arm down there, but he did so for 10 minutes or so. After getting it out it was blue, and it stood blue for half an year, hahaha. Not all the arm, but a ring around it. It looked like those weird colors water gets when you pour used oil in it.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1408979809 | 1408990600 | t3_2ejajh | t5_2to41 | 18 | Leehblanc: TIFU by passing gas in the office
Backstory: I'm lactose intolerant. Last night my GF and I ordered a white pizza. Yeah, I'm not a smart man.
This morning, I passed gas in the office. It was BAD. From the next cubicle over, I heard my coworker start to cough and gag. I thought I was caught! He immediately blamed the guy who had just been in to talk to us. I was saved! Then, to my horror, my coworker started talking about how he couldn't wait until this guy walked by again, so he could confront him about it.
Now, I sit in my own shameful stink, waiting to be found out. TIFU
[deleted]: Go tell the truth you piece of shit.
Leehblanc: Spoken like someone who's been wrongfully blamed for a fart...
| 3 | 6 | |
1408979971 | 1409068173 | t3_2ejauc | t5_2to41 | 330 | 100thusername: TIFU by crying in my MBA class
MBA class just started, first year, second day, we had to say a few lines about ourselves. I was up last after a long line of students, and I decided to spice things up by saying Invinctus (my fav poem). as i started, i started tearing up, and then bawling uncontrollably. i then forced myself to continue in that awful crying cringe worthy voice. There are only two women in this class, and as B-School students emotional instability / stark raving loon is really not the vibe you want to be sending. The rest of the two years, I will now be knowing as crying girl. shoot me now.
EDIT: seriously. why the FUCK did i say a poem!
EDIT EDIT: one classmate was apparently recording the lectures and is serious/joking about how he's going to post it on the internet. THIS IS JUST GETTING WORSE.
Cueller: You're in b-school, why would you recite a poem?!?!?!
mq999: For a non-American - what is B-school?
tikael: As an American: What the fuck is b-school?
Edit: I guess it's just an abbreviation of business school. Well that's a less interesting fact than I was looking for.
tomato_water: Whenever I heard 'b-school' when I was applying for college, it meant somewhat-above-average-but-not-super-great school.
AmericanSocialist: I remember it as backup school. It was usually a state school. Some dude had Berkeley as his b-school.
blibbersquid: Technically it is a state school, yes. That's crazy tho haha some people
| 7 | 47.142857 | |
1408981974 | 1409014824 | t3_2eje4f | t5_2to41 | 310 | nononono_: TIFU by drying myself with a towel covered in my brother's semen (nsfw)
Fuck this was horrible and traumatic.
I'm a girl, just got back from a vacation with my family. We were staying in a nice hotel room, one bathroom. At night its the time we all have showers, parents go first, then my big brother, then lastly me.
We should have enough towels for all of us, or so we thought.
My brother is taking forever in the shower, being the third one to shower, I'm worried there will be no hot water left for me. We all shout at him to hurry up and finish, which he does, but not after taking at least half an hour. Ridiculous.
I get in the shower afterwards, shower, clean, shave my legs, wash my hair. I step out and grab the towel off the rack and start drying. Then I feel the towel is already wet. But not just wet, kind of sticky. I look at it and its got this white gooey dry stuff thats now come on to me.
I open the bathroom door and just pop my head out.
"Where are the fresh towels?"
"In the cabinet above the sink" my mother calls back.
"Whats the towel on the rack?"
Silence.
"Oh shit, thats mine probably," says my brother.
"Did you use it?" I call back.
"Yeah"
"Then why did you leave it on the rack?" I give him the most what the fuck is wrong with you look in the world, his eyes instantly show the burden of judgement and he looks down in shame. I go back and find another towel.
What the fuck is up with this, do guys really ejaculate into the towel? I didn't even know guys do this. And who the fuck leaves it just on the rack like that?
QTip117: Why would someone would ejaculate into a towel *after* taking a shower?
Swarlsonegger: I don't know why you got a downvote that's a legit question.
Are you sure it's semen OP? May have been some sort of hairproduct aswell, I know some people use towels to get this "spikey" look on their head for instance
__Viper__: No male takes 30 mins in the shower unless if he's jerking off.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: This is not true. I take long showers because I'm not a morning person and my coffee machine takes a while to make a full cup.
jacobovicz: Is that your fetish?
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Well, you know what I always say...
Fuck mornings.
Rhoderzz: I swear he's said this before
| 8 | 38.75 | |
1408981739 | 1408987234 | t3_2ejdq5 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by whipping my balls
My bedroom was a little messy today, so I picked up the clothes on the floor and put them into the laundry basket. Under all the clothes was my belt. I grabbed the belt by the end with my right hand and started swinging it around like a ninja. I lifted my left leg into the air and swung the belt under it so it wrapped around my leg several times. Then I pulled the belt to my right side so it unraveled pretty fast and once it came loose, the buckle hit me in the balls.
Jock_fortune_sandals: Pics? Haha jk jk
rk_65: He isn't joking OP. Both he and I want to see your balls. Pronto.
(jk)
Possummz: So many "jk"s.. questioning how real they are.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1408982058 | 1409034846 | t3_2eje8u | t5_2to41 | 11 | Quaz450: TIFU by wondering what somebody would say if they knew I called them a bitch
This happened the other night. I went out with friends and got drunk and all that stuff. I have a friend who is mutual friends with somebody I don't exactly get along with anymore (not even going into detail on that, its a whole other post on its own). He was talking about the party she had last year just after her and i stopped talking, which made me kind of sad and angry all at once. I was drunk and didn't really care what i said and said "I wonder what would happen if you sent her a facebook message telling her what a bitch she is" then he was like "ok" then sent her a message similar to this: "Quaz450 says you are a bitch and a cunt whore mega slut." he didnt tell me what he said till after it was sent. it was too late. but I was drunk so I just stopped caring after like 20 seconds and passed out. woke up next morning she saw it and replied with a "?" 5 mins later "what?" then friend sends me [this pic](http://i.imgur.com/VMV80rJ.jpg) of her over dramatic status trying to seek attention cause she is one of those...
No-Forethought: Dam bro, I know exactly how you feel. I am still technically friends with my psycho chick because my other friends are loyal to her and all her "problems," but seriously shes so needy its not even funny.
Quaz450: yeah....everything is about her and she never does anything wrong at all and its all everyone else's faults :/ doesn't take responsibility for her own problems and if it is just somebody doing something stupid like this case she blows it up into something even bigger, trying to get pity points from facebook
Newake: Now imagine if she played league of legends, where EVERYONE is like that.
FUCKING EVERYONE.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1408983995 | 1409041246 | t3_2ejhp5 | t5_2to41 | 5,919 | chapstickbomber: TIFU by thinking that today was Labor Day
I wake up, look around, and think "fuck yeah, labor day". It's maybe 8am. My gf had already left for work.
Alarm goes off. Swipe. Bitch, it's labor day.
Second alarm goes off. Swipe. Uhh, still labor day, shitty phone alarm. Gtfo
Third alarm goes off. Slept through it like a boss. No more alarms.
Wake up at 1130. Check phone. 3 missed calls and 7 texts. Uhh. Reading a few...
Then my shitty brain puts 1 and 0 together. DICKS. IT AM NOT BE LABOR DAY.
1230 now. Be rolling in to work. Will update.
UPDATE: Nobody even noticed. Winning.
hank_moo_d: This is so common it should be a subrredit.
thisisme101: /r/fuckyeahlaborday
hank_moo_d: You got me for about 2 seconds, you magnificent bastard.
TheRumpletiltskin: did you rip your dick off?
ThisIsCobb: Sips_ is that you? you son of a bitch! I just ripped my dick clean off!
Broblaster: The real guy. The best guy.
Capntallon: shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Rhoderzz: Big money, big women, big fun
daBroviest: The biggesttttttttttt
_chazz: Magnificent Bastard
| 11 | 538.090909 | |
1408983926 | 1409038323 | t3_2ejhku | t5_2to41 | 28 | keinengutennamen: TIFU by sending porn to my parents (NSFW)
This actually happened when VHS tapes were the norm but it is one of my classic FUs so I thought you would enjoy.
When I was fresh out of college I was relatively new to the whole porn thing. The internet had some available but downloading a grainy picture at 56K baud wasn't really all that great. VHS tapes though...that is where it was at. But I had none and had no plans to order any.
Fast forward a little bit and now I have my first job with a little cash to spare. I start hanging around with some older guys from work; heading to casinos, going out to bars, etc. One night, after a particularly long night of gambling and drunkenness we head back to my friends place to hang with his fiance. I'm sitting on the couch with the world spinning around me and he and his girlfriend are next to me. He decides to put on a porn and starts to make out with his fiance. I am in and out of consciousness at this point but wake up to a dark room. I leave and don't say or think too much about it....other than that's weird and uncomfortable.
Then a few days later, I am hanging out at another friend's house as he is having a small get together to thank the lady downstairs for rescuing his dog. Crazy fucking dog jumped off the 3rd floor balcony trying to chase a rabbit. At any rate, with maybe 8 people in the room, my friend thought it was good idea to fire up a porn in the middle of the party. Weird as hell.
These two instances get me thinking. I'm living alone and I want porn too. So what the hell, I get on the internet and I order porn. But here is where I really fucked up. When checking out, it asks for both the mailing address and the billing address. The mailing address is my apartment. The billing address...well...I was lazy and never got around to changing that....so it still pointed to the address where I grew up. My parents address (I think you see where this is going). So I don't know if I just reversed the two, if the porn site messed up and reversed the two, or if there is just some sadistic fucker at the porn site that wanted to ruin my life...but either way...the shipment went to my parents house.
So about 4 months later I am thinking to myself "Why hasn't my porn arrived?". I wasn't really sure what was happening but was too busy to look into it. But then I got the call. It was my father on the line. He casually asks if ordered anything recently. I had, I had ordered some clothes and said as much. He responded with "No. This isn't clothing. Did you order anything else?". At this point...it hits me like a ton of bricks. **My dad has my porn**. Fuck me. I respond with "No. I don't think there was anything else". He then states "You mean you didn't order 'Blonde's Guzzle Cum' and 'Anal Intruders'". He continues to rattle off the 5 titles I carefully selected. (The names above are not correct...I can't remember the titles...but they were crazy embarrassing nonetheless). He is enjoying making me squirm but after he is done I find out my mother is on the line too and she is "very disappointed in me" (said jokingly). I make up some BS excuse that my friend's fiance wouldn't let him order them so I ordered them for him. They know I am lying and I know I am lying but no one is saying anything. We talk for a little bit and I find out that my mom found the package on the front porch and thought it was the birthday gift she ordered for my dad. So, she took it and hid it for the 4 months. Then, as his birthday approached, she opened the box to wrap his present...and boom! Porn...right in her face.
At this point I want to die but the worst of it is over...or so I thought. Fast forward about a month later and my parents come to visit. I get the knock on the door. I head over and open the door. There in the hallway is my mother....arm outstretched as far as she possibly could....with her head and eyes turned away from me in disgust...and there, in her outstretched hand, is "Blonde's Guzzle Cum". To make things worse, my dad is holding the box of porn behind her with a big shit eating grin on his face. He's loving every minute of it....and to be honest...my mom is too.
After my heart started back up and blood returned to my brain...I quickly grab the porn from my mom's hand, throw it behind the door and invite them in as if nothing happened. My dad sets the box down with a smile and we never speak of it again.
**TL;DR** TIFU by sending porn to my parents; but my parents are kind of awesome. They make me squirm but don't make a big deal about it.
larholm: Your first friend wanted you to bone his fiance.
keinengutennamen: I can't confirm that...but yes...after the fact that was my suspicion as well. She later asked me if I saw her walk naked to the bathroom that night. Apparently after sex with my friend, she walked to the bathroom naked and thought I woke up long enough to see her. I didn't...sadly. And to be honest, at that point I was so oblivious to anything like that, she would have had to place my member in her mouth before I would have caught on to what was happening. I was very naive... :(
larholm: Young and naive, we've all been there :)
| 4 | 7 | |
1408980722 | 1408989940 | t3_2ejc0s | t5_2to41 | 3 | EMT_Anna: TIFU by mistake
TIFU (last week) by mistaking a possum for a cat. It came to me when I called it....
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: Something like this?
http://youtu.be/YztgblSaQB8
EMT_Anna: Almost exactly!
| 3 | 1 | |
1408984985 | 1409030186 | t3_2ejjhq | t5_2to41 | 77 | vipez: TIFU by trying to complement an artist doodling on her sketchbook on the subway.
This happened on the subway in toronto on my way back from downtown (STONED TO THE GILLS as joey diaz would say ) heading towards the east end. On the subway I see a pretty asian girl doodling.I do a little doodling myself so it was great seeing someone totally concentrated on their work and listening to her headphones. She also had her bag on the seat to her left . I was standing a little behind and observing as the artwork flowed out of her fountain pen. My stop was 20 mins away and I must have stood there for about 10-12 mins waiting for her to look up or take off her headphones so I could pay my respects, but she just kept on drawing.So my stop gets closer and I try to make verbal contact saying "Hey awesome work !" and I thought she heard me as I tried extending my hand forward to give her props on her work. She then suddenly looks to her left and sees a big brown hand coming down near her open bag and it looked like she was jolted out of her free-flow creative state , as she reached out for her bag and gave me a strange look. This was too awkward and it was at that point that I realized TIFU by trying to complement this artist.
So I just quietly took a picture of her work as she got back to her doodling and stepped out of the subway at my stop just feeling weird.
[this is her work](http://i.imgur.com/7ubY7b6.jpg) if anyone is interested and thats my story.
TLDR : tried to give props to female artist , she though I was trying to steal her bag :(
__Viper__: Nice picture!
vipez: thanks !
AnUchihaDuckling: Seriously, that looks like album art dude. That's a really good picture.
vipez: respect !
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1408986023 | 1409277309 | t3_2ejlbq | t5_2to41 | 27 | Umgh52: TIFU by putting my hands in my pants.
I had to make a throwaway account for this. Enjoy my shame Reddit.
So, a little background. I, like many men out there, am circumcised. Why is this important? Because I have started a process called foreskin restoration. I’m not going to go into the science and shit behind the process, I’m just going to tell you what you need to know for the story. When you’re not “tugging” it I suggested that you wear this device called a retainer. It’s a thing that keeps your skin rolled up over your glans so it can dekeritanize (not sure if I spelled that right) and return to its normal state. It’s not really noticeable at all, and stays on pretty well…unless it is wet. So without further adieu. Read my fuck-up.
So, my family and I decided to take my four year old niece to an amusement park. Kids love that shit. Kid’s also love water rides. It was a particularly hot day, so we decided to go on a water ride, which left us all soaked. My parents wanted to go ride an adult ride. So naturally, being the generous god that I am, offered to watch my niece while they went out and did fuck all.
She wanted to go to the little kid playground area. Ugh, fine. I took her there. I got bored with sitting with all the other parents and decided to hop in the little play area and run around and play with her. Also there was this fat little kid who was kinda being an asshole to her, so I wanted to stay close. You know, just in case I was needed to tell the kid off, punch him, or stop him from trying to eat her. So after about five minutes of me showing up to play somehow I got roped into playing tag with like seven or eight younglings. Whatever, fuck it. I don’t care, my niece was having fun, and I didn’t really mind.
But there was problem. You remember when I said that thing only stays on if it’s dry? Well the moisture from the water ride, and my running around had made my retainer slip off. No big deal. I can put it back on really quick. So I run around to a spot where I’ve got a bit of privacy and shove my hands in my underwear and begin to put the retainer on. What happens next, I shit you not, is the truth.
*Gasp* “Dios mio.” Said an elderly Mexican woman, who I’m guessing was mother to that little fat kid. I look up to see several mothers all looking at me shocked as I am caught with both hands in my pants looking like I’m vandalizing my crank. I immediately yank my hands out of my shorts and start to redo my belt.
“No no no no no, it’s not what you think. I just had to make sure it was still there and put it back on.” Wrong choice of words. They screamed for their kids come to them, called me a pervert. One of them even tried to keep my niece from being able to go near me. Security came and we went with them. They questioned my niece and I separately. I had to, embarrassingly, explain to them exactly what I was doing. After much skepticism, they allowed me to pull off my retainer and show them. That seemed to lend credibility to my story. They told me that I could resume going back around the park, as long as I used the bathroom to “reapply your device”. The way they said that made it seem like some sort of creepy, weird, sex machine.
When they let me out of the room, my parents were there waiting for me with my niece with this shameful look. I had to explain it to them too. I’m kinda glad that they just laughed and gave me shit about it, but it’s still embarrassing to have to explain to your parents that. My name was Chester the Molester for the rest of that day.
TL;DR: I got caught in a children’s playground with my hands in my pants by several mothers. Hilarity ensues.
tbillysosilly: reading this whole story I could only think of one thing...why the hell are you trying to restore the foreskin on yo dick??!
Umgh52: Because I want to? Do some research, man. My question to you is why wouldn't you want your foreskin? You might be cool with having a mutilated dick and a dry, shriveled up, desensitized glans, but I am not. It's your choice though. Like I said, read into it and you'll probably change your mind.
tbillysosilly: Lol. I just looked it up. seems like your having some mental issues. being circumcised is great and most girls ive been with prefer it. I havent had problems desensitized glands or whatever. Leave your thing alone man. that shit can cause problems in the future. Goodluck anyway. Hope it works out
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1408986932 | 1408992729 | t3_2ejn1u | t5_2to41 | 17 | adderallpee: TIFU by not taking my adderall regularly.
I am prescribed adderall, and I normally don't actually take it. I used to, but I try to save it for when I know I will really need it. And I also give some to a friend occasionally (I do not sell them, I give him maybe 3 or 4 pills a month for free, because he is a close friend that I have known for 10 years or so. I have 150+ pills sitting here doing nothing.)
So anyways, normally my doctor will write 3 months at a time on script papers and I just redeem them on their normal schedule, and then stash the pills away like some sort of fucked up squirrel. Well I went to go pick up more scripts today, and they surprised me by asking for a urine sample to make sure I am not selling the drugs. Well, I don't sell them, but I don't take them either regularly. So I kind of panicked, and made a phone call (my ride was outside waiting for me), and I made the conversation look like we didn't have time for this. So I hung up, and the nurse said it would only take a minute, and I got all panicky and freaked out, knowing my piss was squeaky clean (they might have found traces of my blood pressure meds I guess, but I don't take any other drugs). So I tried explaining that I just came from home and showered, didn't have to pee (this was all true). She asked if I was worried if other drugs would show up on the test, which I calmly said no (because again, this was also true), and then she said the test was also to make sure I was taking the drug, to which I said yeah, I was (a lie, but I think that sounded smooth).
And then I just got frustrated and said "I can't. Can I come in tomorrow?". And she said kind of exasperated "yeah, thats fine. I will tell the doctor.". I thanked her, and left.
So I rushed home, popped an adderall, and am awaiting advice from the askdrugs sub, and trying not to shit my pants because jesus fuck I don't want to be blacklisted from restricted drugs. I do need them, it is just I am severely depressed most of the time and I don't leave my home much, so I don't see any reason to take the adderall.
I am going to go in to the doctors tomorrow and tell them that I am sorry and they just took me by surprise there, and I had just showered and didnt have to pee at all when I got there, and since it was around 11:35 when I got there, I knew they were getting ready to leave for lunch soon (this is true), and that I would not be able to come in later as I wouldn't have had a ride there (also true).
My doctor is awesome and she really does like me and doesn't think I am a drug abuser or anything, and I have a huge medical history where I was taking these meds even as a child, so I think she will understand..But those nurses are assholes, and I have to make sure my piss is dirty by tomorrow.
**tl;dr had surprise drug test that I wasnt ready for. rescheduled for tomorrow, but I probably look like some addict or something to them and will likely lose my adderall prescription which I do actually need.**
NegScenePts: If you are not a doctor, then don't self-medicate. If you are not a doctor, don't give people your pills. My sympathy is lacking here, sorry.
Raznal: Agreed.
Giving pills to someone has the potential to end very badly for both of you.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1408987499 | 1409031639 | t3_2ejo5u | t5_2to41 | 2 | PsychMarketing: TIFU by playing Pandora at work
I work in a cubical with 3 monitors, 1 monitor usually has casual/personal stuff up - like email, facebook, reddit, or in today's case - Pandora...
Someone came to my desk to ask me a question, when I turned around I could see her looking past me with a slightly horrified look on her face - after stammering and leaving my desk, I turned back to my monitors confused - to see Pandora up on my monitor with the GIGANTIC Ad for Skyn condoms... Complete with a female in lingerie... *sigh*
Cornell2017: adblock works on pandora?
zsxdflip: Yep.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408986679 | 1409085297 | t3_2ejmk6 | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU and spent a night in the streets on downtown Chicago
.
savingprivatebrian15: Wow, I would never have thought anyone could sleep in downtown Chicago on the street. Any kind of valuables would be gone, as far as I know. Side story, my friend's 24 year old brother got chased by a homeless man with crutches for not having any change on him. Chicago, man...
Need_4_Weed: I had my phone, wallet and passport on me the whole night, I'm glad I still have all those things!
savingprivatebrian15: Props to you, bro. 0/10 would do it again though, right?
Need_4_Weed: Hmm.. Maybe 4/10? It was pretty fun in the end :p
savingprivatebrian15: Haha, well you were the 1/10 that didn't get mugged, so maybe 1/10 would do it again.
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1408987275 | 1409006372 | t3_2ejnpf | t5_2to41 | 428 | blondieknowsbest: TIFU by not using a clean knife
Today is my day off work so I have spent it casually browsing reddit. Then I realize I've got a case of the munchies, so off to the kitchen to find something to snack on. Rummage around the fridge, grab some grapes and a block of cheddar. I see the cutting board and knife on the counter I used last night (just cut some scallions with it) and figure hey, why dirty another knife.
Now little did I know that there had been a container of bleach on the counter that the cats had knocked over some time in the night -- I later found said container had rolled under the cabinets. I slice off a big piece of cheese, take a bite, and suddenly my mouth is accosted with the most terrible taste. I immediately throw the cheese down and vomit into the sink.
After rinsing my mouth out and brushing my teeth approximately 20 times I discover said container (small squirt bottle, now empty) under the counter and upon further inspection the cutting board and knife were both covered with bleach.
TIL that bleach tastes fucking nasty. I admire the sheer willpower and determination of those who choose to off themselves via bleach consumption.
---------------
TLDR:
Used a knife I had used to cut veggies to slice cheese, didn't realize it had been doused in bleach courtesy of my cats.
Got a mouthful of bleach cheddar.
Vomited in the sink.
nbapat43: You should check with Poison control if you might have accidently swallowed something.
blondieknowsbest: I did, even though I highly doubt I consumed any since I was incapable of swallowing for the next 20 minutes...my body reacted with quite the opposite actually since I threw up into the sink repeatedly. Apparently drinking less than 1 ounce per 15 pounds of body weight "is unlikely to cause severe effects" but will cause "moderate mucosal irritation" and "vomiting and gastrointestinal discomfort." They told me to drink some milk, no lie.
edited for spelling
bionicapplesauce: Apparently, the milk does serve a purpose! Milk has lactose in it, and your body needs to produce a special enzyme to digest it. While your body does this, the milk has time to curdle in the stomach acids and coat the inside of your small intestine.
So not only does drinking milk dilute the poison, the lining slows down the absorption of the poison.
[Sauce!](http://txfx.net/2005/10/20/in-case-of-poison-ingestion-drink-milk/)
EDIT: Apparently, this lining occurs in the [small intestine, not the stomach.](http://www.emedicinehealth.com/lactose_intolerance-health/article_em.htm)
jayj59: What actually triggers the production of this enzyme? As in, what lets your body know that there is lactose in your stomach?
bionicapplesauce: [According to Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small_intestine#Digestion), *enzymes enter the small intestine in response to the hormone cholecystokinin, which is produced in the small intestine in response to the presence of nutrients.*
I assume that the inside lining of your intestine has sensors like tastebuds or the inside of your nose which can detect chemicals. Luckily you aren't aware of this, or you'd literally be tasting shit all day.
bl0bfish: So basically milk is for baby cows and shouldn't be consumed by people? With your body having such affects?
MOOOO!
bionicapplesauce: Bruh, milk is amazing, and your body can consume it no problem.
The enzyme lactase will break it down for you without a problem. However, your body apparently has a limit to how much of that enzyme it can produce in your lifetime. People who cannot produce lactase anymore (or were born without the ability) are lactose intolerant.
So if you aren't lactose intolerant, drinking milk is fine. Love my calcium :D
bl0bfish: But lactose tolerant is not natural, if anything we should be drinking human milk, no?
bionicapplesauce: It is natural to be lactose tolerant, and then when you age enough, you can turn lactose intolerant. (Because you cannot produce lactase anymore)
And milk produced by mammals (including humans) is best for infants. The World Health Organization recommends breast-feeding until at least age two, and the average age of weaning worldwide is around four.
What makes you think that drinking human milk is the better alternative? [There are reasons not to drink cow milk, but come on...](http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/food-nutrition/facts/environmental-health-reasons-dairy.htm)
If you want an alternative to cow milk, drink water. :P
bl0bfish: http://foodmatters.tv/articles-1/how-many-pus-cells-are-in-your-milk
Ewww "Calcium". I'll drink water!!
| 11 | 38.909091 | |
1408988297 | 1408994821 | t3_2ejppf | t5_2to41 | 28 | jerbaws: TIFU by being too curious...learned I am no Sherlock Holmes.
Ditisnoah: Why would you want to know what it was?
jerbaws: to know if I could just brush it off with my hand and carry-on, lest I need to figure out a clean way to remove the shit if it turned out to be shit (such as go buy some water and get a cloth or whatever). plus a general curiosity to know... like Sherlock... but not like Sherlock.
Rufas: Well, twas indeed shit, Sherlock!
| 4 | 7 | |
1408993597 | 1419521327 | t3_2ejzpo | t5_2to41 | 15 | matt_9994: TIFU by making my password too easy.
Well folks today I fucked up.
Only a few days ago my friend (lets call him Dave) Dave showed me the many wonders of Reddit and the wild assortment of subreddit too, the good the bad and the ugly. One day me and Dave were playing on the vast planes of minecraftia when I decided to lend Dave my password. This was so Dave could get on to some servers he had been banned from. Unfortunately that password was my main password that allot of other accounts use. Including Reddit. Fuck.
Dave logs on to my account and decides makes some adjustments. He decides to subscribe me to /r/gaybrosgonewild. So here I am innocent me clicking through the front page when all of a sudden *HUGE FUCKING PENIS ON MY SCREEN* that was swiftly followed by a quick whip of the mouse to the right where I closed down Reddit. Well played Dave. He later told me what he had done (after I had clicked on the picture) while laughing so hard I hoped he swallowed his tongue and choked to a painful death.
TL;DR password too easy, friend subscribes me to penis pics.
ForeverUnity: Did you change your password and unsubscribe from the sub-reddits?
matt_9994: Yea i did, don't wanna see dick on my front page :P
| 3 | 5 | |
1408993322 | 1408995907 | t3_2ejz6o | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: Tifu by sneezing mid fart
basher99: Used to work with a guy who did this. It was a construction company, and he had recently been promoted from being out on the construction site. Every day, wore boots and jeans, and would put his feet up on his desk while working on spreadsheets, etc.. Basically, he was lacking a bit in common office decorum.
One day, he leans over a bit to crack one off. Not much volume, but he instantly got a look of surprise on his face, that turned to irritation. He signed, and put his feet down off his desk. Looked around, grabbed a binder, and held it behind him as he stood up. He turned to the rest of us, and announced, "Well guys, I'm going home for the day. I done shit my pants."
We giggled like schoolgirls, and were useless for the rest of the day.
Upshirts_downskirts: Glad I'm not alone...
| 3 | 1 | |
1408993797 | 1408996864 | t3_2ek02s | t5_2to41 | 1 | raandds: TIFU by trying an antidepressant for anxiety
You know those warnings on antidepressants that say may cause thoughts of suicide? Well I learned those are there for a reason.
I never had any history of depression or any mental health problem except some mild anxiety. I decided to go to a doctor and see if I could get a prescription of something that would maybe help with my stress. I was prescribed an SSRI antidepressant. Doc said it was mild and took weeks to notice anything from. I thought alright, sounds pretty safe.
I saw some warnings on the prescription about suicide, but after asking a few people that had taken SSRIs before they said those warnings are just there for people who are already suicidal before taking it. Nope. No they are not.
I took one pill and felt like I was losing my mind. I wouldn't have minded jumping off a bridge. Never in my life have I felt that way. Luckily, I got over that feeling by the next day, but I decided to throw the rest of the pills out and swore I would never touch another one again. I never fully recovered from the experience. My emotions still feel pretty flattened. I don't get as excited anymore and my sex drive is waaay down. All from a single pill.
Seriously guys, these pills have warnings on them for a reason. Be careful with them.
quasimodoca: There is no way that all of your reported symptoms came from 1 dose of an SSRI. They take **WEEKS** to be effective.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/depression/selectiveserotoninreputakeinhibitors_000147.htm
http://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/2459.aspx?CategoryID=73
http://anxietypanichealth.com/2008/09/26/questions-and-answers-antidepressants-for-anxiety-disorders/
raandds: Some people have bad reactions to these drugs. It IS possible. That's why the warnings are there.
And do you know I experienced the famous "brain zaps"? People also say those only happen in withdrawal, but I experienced them after a single pill.
Also here's a link to reports of suicides blamed on these pills. Many of them happened after just a few days of taking the pills:
http://ssristories.org/old/index1.php?p=suicides
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1408995786 | 1409001585 | t3_2ek3ow | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a nude pic to a girl I met online.
So, I'll get straight to it. Met this gorgeous girl from Europe on ChatRoullete. Got her Skype. Been talking for over 2 weeks.
We always tease each other on Skype and I eventually gave in into the idea of sending her a nude with my SUPER HUGE MONSTER DONG. I was extremely hesitant but I eventually sent it with a constant repetition of, "Do you REALLY want to see it?".
She's a "good girl" so as soon as I sent the pic, she got mad and started shaming me for being such an idiot and sending the pic. She implied that she "expected better from me"(meaning that I disappointed her for giving in to sending a nude).
I, being very confused, started feeling extremely bad. I have never sent nudes to someone. Our conversation for the day went downhill from there and I went to sleep feeling bad.
Today in the morning, she said it's all good and that she still cares about me. I still feel a little weird about what I did.
I just wanted to write this stupid post to let you guys know that you shouldn't think twice about sending a nude, think like 100 fucking times!
I'm an idiot... thanks for reading this shitty post.
fluix_: Don't send nudes online. Especially with someone you meant over the internet. She could single handley ruin your life with that one pic
billiardwolf: No she can't, stop being so dramatic. Unless he is in public office or something similar chances are it will have 0 impact on his life. Even if he was it's a nude pic, big deal.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1408997615 | 1409171277 | t3_2ek72m | t5_2to41 | 4 | IronicDuck: TIFU by telling a girl her pants were showing.
This happened about a couple of months ago, but it caused a massive chain reaction of events still affecting everything today.
It was a normal day at school and whatnot, in science, and we're doing experiments which require climbing on tables. So frankly all the girls wearing skirts are screwed, right? And because most of the girls are pretty tall... yeah, you can guess. So my friend is sitting in a very revealing position, and I just give her a nod and say 'You might want to... sit down.' Now, my ex, who turned into a total bitch, happens to be my friend's best mate. She turns around and yells 'ARE YOU CALLING HER A SLUT?' I have no idea why, but it happened. At which point everyone turns around as I try to explain myself. I managed to convince most of them I wasn't a complete pervert, and they moved on. My friend was okay with it and we even laughed about it after. But I did get a few dirty looks after that.
This is where the fuck up comes in. It's after school and I'm skyping my girl best friend, right? (Not the girl mentioned above.) We talk and joke as usual and she mentions that what I said was a little forward. I don't know what to say, and she tells me that also she's annoyed with me because I'm always being mean to her very dim witted friends (for the record, they aren't nice people and they were never that pleasant towards me or my friends). I won't go into any more details, but after a long conversation/argument, and a broken computer mouse, we aren't friends any more. After being like a brother and sister, we hate each other, which threw me into a great sadness.
So she pretty much shows everyone the argument we had, which leads to everyone thinking I'm a horrible person, and one guy, who was one of my mates, even confronting me, something which I had no time for, so I threatened to beat the shit out of him. Everyone heard. We made up after, but everyone else thought I was an incredibly violent person to be avoided. I can't get into a relationship (no change there then), I have very few friends, and am constantly being attacked by people I don't know for being a douche bag.
And then, of course it gets worse. On top of losing the girl who was like my sister, back problems and constantly being ostracized because I'm a 'big head and try to make others feel small,' (which I have never tried to do), my Mother tells me about something very serious - a possible cancerous cell. A lump. My thoughts go into overdrive of what could happen, and for the rest of the day I do nothing. Yes, I realise this isn't my fault, but it doesn't help on top of everything else.
My mother is always constantly threatening to move to Scotland. Away from everything, and everyone I love. But I have no reason to stay. So I'm on the fence about leaving for Scotland, but that would mean meeting new people. Aaaaaaaaaand I have mad anxiety, so no thanks.
Oh yeah, turns out it wasn't cancer. My mum will be fine.
**TL;DR** Told a girl her underwear was showing so she was aware of it, which causes my best friend, who was like a sister to me, to list everything wrong with me and hate me, and I threaten to hospitalize one of my friends because he annoyed me which makes everyone hate me and throw me disgusted looks, everyone is telling me I should leave. My Mum tells me she might have cancer, which adds to the stress, and keeps threatening to move me to Scotland which means meeting new people which makes me very anxious. It turns out she doesn't have cancer which is good, but I have very few friends here, so I'm not sure whether I should move away from everyone or not.
Edit: In Britain we call underwear pants. Sorry for the confusion.
Jah-: Your pants are showing?
IronicDuck: Pants = Underwear in Britain.
Jah-: And now we know (*and knowing is half the battle!*)
IronicDuck: And what's the other half? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1408997668 | 1409123125 | t3_2ek75v | t5_2to41 | 363 | mcfuddlebutt: TIFU by sleeping through an event I spent an entire year planning and might get canned for it.
My main focus at work is one of our largest events that raises about $1.1 Million for the year. The weeks before this event require all staff to work an insane number of hours. I'm talking 7 days a week for 3 weeks coming in a 8am and leaving at 12am-1am (I'm salary BTW). It's one of those times where you understand why the average not for profit employee quits after a year.
So it's 2 days before the event (Friday) and I've just got too much work to do and not enough time to do it, so I just keep working. I'm running on adrenaline by this point and before I know it's 4am before I'm able to head home. The only thing we had to do Saturday was meet at the site of the event for vendor set up at 4pm. I finally got in bed at 5am and woke up at noon, had some brunch, tried to relax and unwind a little before taking a shower and heading over to the site. Setup was complete at around 9pm so everyone left to go get some rest since we had to be back at the site by 4:00am Sunday morning (Kick off is at 6:00am). When I got home I realized that getting to sleep was going to be nearly impossible since I had woken up so late so I took 1 Unisom. Took another shower (it was 109 degrees in Houston Saturday) and fell asleep at about 10.
I woke up slowly, noticing that there was more light coming from the windows than there should have been. That was when the panic hit me. I grabbed my phone, turned it on and saw **15 text messages**. The blood drained from my face and tears began to well up in my eyes as I looked and saw that it was 9:30am. I didn't miss the morning set up, I didn't miss registration or check in, I didn't miss the Kick Off, I missed the **entire fucking event.**
Then the panic set in when I began to read who the text messages were coming from. It started off a co-worker asking if I was going to be late, then my associate director asking where the hell I was, followed by my Executive Director, then My National mother fucking Vice President sent me a message asking if everything was okay. The last 10 messages were of people honestly worried that something was wrong with me which made it worse.
http://i.imgur.com/g3XcT5V.png
Just a few of the messages.
By this time I can't think straight, I'm running through my house screaming **FUCK, FUCK, FUCK** I called my boss and explained to her what happened. Rightfully so, she is livid with me. I let her go so I could get out of the house and call her when I was on the road. I explained what happened and that this was a total huge fuck up on my end and I'm accepting any repercussions that come from it. She tells me that our National VP came down to see the event and was really worried about me.
I get to the location while everyone is breaking stuff down, I had to explain about 20 times what happened. I've never felt so embarrassed in my life. All I wanted to do was quit and go home and die. Everyone got to celebrate the accomplishment that they had been working towards the entire year. I just spent the time wondering how I was going to find another job.
The worst part was when everyone finished they gathered to chat, when I walked up to join my boss tells me that everyone is still a little angry so it would be best if I went home. Which I did.. I had a long chat with the brass this morning where I assured them this would never happen again, they were understanding of it which I'm thankful for. I still feel like absolute crap though, I let myself down, my team down, and worried a lot of people that didn't need to worry. I don't know if I'll ever live this one down.
shogi_x: You were working 16 hour days for 3 weeks and your weekend to get the work done, and finally had to take a sleeping pill to get a good night's sleep. You didn't fuck up, *they* did. Pushing your workers like that is bound to result in things like this or worse.
Finda a new job, this one's going to kill you.
learath: This, this and this.
Walk in with a bill for your overtime, and your resignation letter.
ETA: do you realize that you are letting them burn you out instead of hiring enough people to do the job?
Hawaiianshirtz: Op said he was salary so....yeah. Got your back mcfuddlebutt hope everything works out. Bring in tacos/doughnuts to work tomorrow?
learath: Working 16 hour days is not "salary".
MakeFlowers: You'd be surprised. In most states you are required to work, as a salaried exempt status employee, whatever hours your company deems necessary.
I had an HR director tell me that I work for them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No additional pay.
learath: And then you, and hopefully your entire department, drop your resignation.
lobsterbat: Life doesn't work like that when you and your family need to eat.
| 8 | 45.375 | |
1408999230 | 1409052228 | t3_2eka3u | t5_2to41 | 348 | [deleted]: TIFU by texted a picture of my boobs to a client
I'll start off by saying I just got a new phone. I was trying to send a nice friendly boobie pic to the BF when bam! Message sent to client, or more specifically, the super Christian, anti-porn mother of one of my clients (I work with children). I haven't gotten a reply yet. I think I'll go crawl in a hole and die now...
Edit: no pics stop asking
CWVet: Well you did the breast you could!
A_Typical_Noob: I see what you titties there.
britchesss: That was a tit of a stretch
avrus: She's going to look like a bit of a boob at the next client meeting.
primatorn: Great mammaries last forever.
tiehunter: I think her relationship with her client might have gone tits up.
TheWin420: Tits.
echtesteirerin: Roses are red
Violets are blue
I like tits
Tits
Dersmos: Now a haiku please!
| 10 | 34.8 | |
1408998051 | 1409001732 | t3_2ek7wp | t5_2to41 | 12 | Jon-Osterman: TIFU by screwing up my group's play in school.
Back in high school, a group of my classmates, along with me were assigned to do a play as part of a project in history class.
We prepared a lot for the project, script, costumes and all, and a few weeks later the day had finally come.
A lot of people were in the audience, but we were confident we're going to do great. We all got ready and soon enough, the play began.
So the play's going really well and the audience is totally silent. The play's ending scene came along, which depicted the king and his army retreating from the war, after a number of casualties. I was supposed to be one of the casualties.
The narrator did his part and the people playing the king and the living soldiers walked off the stage, when the hamster in my brain stopped running on the wheel. Forgetting I was dead in the play, I loudly shouted "WAIT FOR ME!" because I thought for a second that they were going to just leave me like that on the stage.
Ruined weeks of effort as my classmates were JUST about to step away from the light and I was in the middle of the stage, and the entire audience was roaring with laughter, even the teachers.
tl;dr: ruined a group's play by shouting "WAIT FOR ME!" as the dead soldier, at the end
(of course later a number of them said they loved it, but not for the right reason)
Ghost_Brain: Did they wait for you?
Jon-Osterman: for a second they looked back, looked horrified, then went
Ghost_Brain: Should of yelled "never leave a man behind".
| 4 | 3 | |
1409000366 | 1409044272 | t3_2ekc5l | t5_2to41 | 26 | Fall1ble: TIFU by trying to help a young co-ed with a wardrobe malfunction.
TIFU by trying to help a young co-ed with a wardrobe malfunction.
College started today in my neck of the woods. I am returning after... oh so many years.
As I left my last class today I saw a young female with some really flimsy shorts walking through a public area. The problem was that her back-pack had pulled her shorts up on one side. The net effect of this being a full frame of her right buttock, out for all to see.
My fuck up was walking up next to her and saying "You should maybe be careful about those shorts." I am a middle age man with long hair. She is a young female in a college environment. Her response was a fairly politely delivered "Don't comment about my body."
I am bummed out that the interaction went that way. I think that she was scared by what I said and may have been right to tell me to fuck off. I still feel like I should have warned her that she was exposing herself to the quad... but don't know how I could have done it any better. (At least, if I was walking through a crowd like that with my butt cheek awkwardly highlighted by my cute and fashionable shorts, I would have wanted someone to tell me.)
TL,DR: I told a girl that her butt was showing in public. She made me feel like a sex offender. Feels bad man.
AmyDooodle: I think you were being polite and she is just a stuck up bitch.
doodle_day_lewis: As a female in her mid-20's I honestly think I would have, or atleast think, the same thing. His comment has no obvious context to tell what he's referring to. If someone said that, and only that sentence to me I would more than likely assume they suggesting that I was dressed slutty.
It would've been much more effective, albeit awkward to have just been upfront and said "Hey, don't want to be awkward but you're backpack is pulling your shorts up. k bye."
If I were her I also probably wouldn't forget who you are. Unfortunately, we've reached a place where many girls are on high alert for guys that display creepy/inappropriate sexual/predatory behavior, especially on college campuses. I wouldn't approach her again, even to apologize, unless she happen to run into her in a class or something where you'll be forced to interact.
witandlearning: Same here - female in my early 20s. With no context, it sounds like he's making a comment about what you're wearing in a negative way, rather than a helpful hint about it riding up.
Definitely better to do a "just so you know, your shorts are being pulled up by your bag" without stopping walking. Like a drive-by advice giving.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1409001305 | 1409012445 | t3_2ekdwk | t5_2to41 | 134 | Nakedcoworker: TIFU by accidentally sending a nude picture of myself to ALL of my coworkers. Someone please kill me?
Okay, so this didn't happen today. But I still haven't been to work since it happened so it might as well have been. On mobile so sorry for any errors.
There isn't much to this story, but let me preface it by saying I don't have a lot of friends. Therefor, I don't ever really have a reason to text people. I use my phone for reddit, the alarm, and the flashlight.
But I do have a sort of friend-with-benefits that I text now and then. Our conversations are 90% just talking about new things we'd like to try and working out when to meet up. Sometimes I send him pictures.
So there I was, taking naked pictures for my FWB. He was texting me all along, so I was trying to hurry while still taking a decent shot. I got a pic of me fingering myself with my boobs also in frame. That was when when my manager FOR THE FIRST TIME ever decides he should send out our next schedule in a mass text message/group chat thing instead of making us go into work look at it.
That was when I fucked up. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, I guess the only answer is that I wasn't. Instead of replying to my FWB with the picture, I replied to the group chat that had my manager and all of my coworkers in it. It was simple muscle memory or some shit. I've never had to be careful about that sort of thing before. I didn't realize my terrible mistake until it was already too late. Thank fucking god my face wasn't in it.
I am the only person at my workplace that is a small framed girl so it was definitely still obvious it was me to anyone who didn't have my number. No one replied but I'm sure they are all going to talk about it. I cannot believe this really happened to me and I feel like just dying of embarrassment :(
TL;DR: All of my coworkers got a lovely picture of me fingering myself.
b4_it_was_cool: Well, if you weren't being considered for promotion, you are now. Congratulations.
Nakedcoworker: That would be nice in a normal "adult" job, but this is fast food. A promotion means being on call 24/7 and doing way too much work for what you get. Luckily if I get fired it doesn't mean I'm losing too much :/
[deleted]: /r/gonewild
Just a suggestion OP!
| 4 | 33.5 | |
1409002310 | 1409005693 | t3_2ekfu0 | t5_2to41 | 5 | The_Man_in_Black_: TIFU by letting myself into a strangers house
I was going to see a friend of mine so we could smoke a bit and enjoy ourselves before school started up. I haven't been to his place all summer, but I knew his house had been on the market for a while, but I assumed he was still in the same place. As my geometry teacher used to say: "When you assume you make an ass out of you and me" and I certainly made an ass of myself. I knocked the door and rang a few times, but no one answered. I opened the door and noticed all the furniture had changed, then I heard little girls playing and thought "oh no, he doesn't have little sisters". Then a woman walks out of the hallway and looks at me kind of stunned. She asks "Can I help you?" And I could only respond with "Oh I'm sorry, is the not the (my friend)'s residence anymore?" She says "No but his friends keep showing up" She sounded pretty pissed and I just walked out quickly. Pretty awkward way to start my night.
TL;DR- Went to see a friend didn't know he moved, walked into strangers house and pissed off owner
ANUSTART942: Not your fuck up entirely, he should have told you he moved.
The_Man_in_Black_: He was big with the apologies haha, he had been out for like 5 months and thought I knew already
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409002933 | 1409090723 | t3_2ekgyn | t5_2to41 | 165 | abiators: TIFU by kneeing my girlfriend in the face.
So this actually happened a couple years back. Me and my girlfriend had recently just moved in together and had sat down to watch a movie one night. A little ways into the movie she decided it would fun to start tickling me, I'm extremely ticklish so it didn't take long for things to go horribly wrong. I was laying on my stomach and she went for a spot on the back of my leg and in my panic I swung around and managed to knee her in the face.
Mostly stunned at first and in some pain she shook it off and we continued to watch the movie, until she noticed a clear like fluid dripping out of her nose. So we went to the emergency room to have her examined and what the fluid turned out to be was cerebrospinal fluid. So the fluid surrounding her brain was leaking causing it to sink on her brain stem and she began to have low pressure headaches.
They put a drain into her spine to help relieve pressure off of the leak in her skull, but during the procedure the tech had missed his entry point and had mistakenly herniated one of her discs. As a result of this two of her vertebrae collapsed and are now putting pressure on a nerve. It has been over four years since that has happened, she has had a surgery to fix her collapsed septum, and will have several more procedures placing localized pain killers on her nerve endings to help her sciatica she now has as a result of the pressure from her vertebrae. Once they have the sciatica under control they will prepare her spine for surgery and begin the repair process on her vertebrae and herniated disc.
Tl;dr: girlfriend tickled me I kneed her in the face collapsing her septum and causing a cerebrospinal fluid leak out of her nose, still dealing with problems four years later.
BodyByPhotoshop: Did that tech at least apologize? Or did he brush it off, because I would assume that was a risk they told her about?
abiators: I'm not to sure if he apologized I was at work when this took place. She was told of all the risks, but this was more of a fuck up then a mistake. There is spot of soft tissue the needle is supposed to be guided through but he couldn't find it so his solution was to hit the back of the needle so it would break through and that when the disc was herniated.
Skinningrizz: So when you played halo on a date night and still got a blow job was her herniated disk okay?
abiators: Has zero impact on blow job giving abilities.
Skinningrizz: We must not be getting the same kind of blow jobs.
abiators: Probably not.
Skinningrizz: All spine. No whine.
AFCWithAA: All gums. No teeth. Wait...
Skinningrizz: Hey, whatever works.
| 10 | 16.5 | |
1409000994 | 1409011993 | t3_2ekdbd | t5_2to41 | 12 | CynicBound: TIFU by going to the wrong community center with to swim with some friends
So my friend posted a facebook group event for swimming the day before, and I got really excited so I didn't really check where we were going. I automatically thought we were going to this one community center because I went there last time with some other friends. On the day of, I was already running late. When I got there 10 minutes late, I realized no one I knew was there. After waiting for some time, I decided to go on the free WiFi and check the event again, and I realized I went to another community center 7 kilometers away from the one we planned to meet up on. I called my dad to pick me up who was already almost home. I thought he'd be angry but I think he felt so bad for me, he just tried to make some small talk and telling me it's okay. I decided to just go home.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
super_sayanything: Today I put mustard on my hamburger instead of ketchup. Then decided not to eat the hamburger. My dad was supportive and told me there will be more opportunities in my life to eat food.
I feel your pain. I am also disappointed in myself.
CynicBound: You have a good dad, we all need supportive figures to help us through our times of stupidity.
super_sayanything: Well played lol.
| 4 | 3 | |
1409006428 | 1409081543 | t3_2ekmuo | t5_2to41 | 65 | bongleaver: TIFU by keeping weed in a pokeball
Well reddit, life has presented me another opportunity to use this throwaway..
So I'm at my house right now for summer until college starts again and needed to come up with a clever hiding spot for my trees. I saw an old toy pokeball in my room that opens if you press the little button or even if you just throw it on the ground. I decided to go with that and put it in a really random spot that no one really has a reason to look.
It went well for a few weeks.. until the neighbor nation attacked. My neighbor and her 10 year old son came over to have a playdate with my little brother and they went to my room to see my hamster. Some fucking how, the 10 year old sees the pokeball in my closet and is apparently fascinated by it. I'm in another room at this point and have no idea what's going on until, I shit you not, I hear, "GO CHARIZARD!" from my room and hear the sound of something hit the ground.
I swiftly walk by my room and instead of fucking charizard a bag of weed falls out which the kid and the mom both see and the mom definitely knew what it was. Total awkward silence. They leave. My mom finds out. ....yeah im screwed
Butiwantedthatfox: Maybe that kid shouldn't touch things that aren't his.
bongleaver: fuckin kids
ntheg111: You're on a list now
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1409007366 | 1409056856 | t3_2ekoe6 | t5_2to41 | 127 | _bncc: TIFU by taking a picture of my friend getting a BJ
Tonight I fucked up. I'm on holidays meeting a friend, so I was sleeping at his place, in a couch in his bedroom, where he lives with a girl. Another noteworthy detail is that they sleep with a dull light on the whole night.
I had some issue falling asleep, but I guess my friend thought i was fast asleep. After a while the girl started giving a blowjob to my friend. I thought it was extremely funny and decided to take a picture. Not sure why, maybe I'd mock him after a few days, or possibly just for fun.
Trying to be as silent as possible I grabbed my phone, lying next to me on the couch, slowly raised it on my tummy, turned it on while facing my body and slowly turned it toward my eyes to be sure it its light wasn't too strong. Muted it, opened the camera app and took the picture. The mobile flashed. Fuck. The guys jerked immediately. Double fuck. The turned to me. I was screwed. They immediately stopped and started asking me what the fuck I was doing. He was quite angry, I was afraid he was gonna beat me up.
We turned the lights on and started talking about what just happened. I tried to remark the irony, but the girl and my friend were really pissed, and they decided to kick me out. I thought they were kidding, but here I am now, 1AM outside without a shelter...
TL;DR Was sleeping on my friend's couch. He got a BJ thinking I was asleep. Took a picture with my mobile, it flashed and I got kicked out.
Here a present for you guys, my friend didn't ask me to erase the picture, lol http://imgur.com/ztVCesn
bicycle: What is going on in that picture? It looks like a picture of Jeff Foxworthy in cartoon form wearing a brown hat sitting up in bed, not a blowjob.
murderouspanda00: plot twist: op works for TMZ and that *is* jeff foxworthy
thedhowe: To be honest, I find this post neither Jeff, nor Foxworthy. There weren't nearly enough curtain climbers who either breed like rabbits or change closes alot.
tl;dr OP is Matthew McConaughey
_bncc: > OP is Matthew McConaughey
[You got me!](http://24.media.tumblr.com/802d440659f288d4cc87a938fcbca65e/tumblr_mr8h8qEynm1s1bcmoo1_500.gif)
thedhowe: [But are you gettin' it?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNFQw8VIvA)
| 6 | 21.166667 | |
1409004039 | 1409030115 | t3_2ekitu | t5_2to41 | 126 | Awkwardtimes20: TIFU by risking morning sex
This fuck up actually happened about 3 years ago when I was still at college. At the time my friends and I would go out every Wednesday night to a student night at a local club. We would meet up most night with a friend from school who we will call M. It's worth pointing out I'm female and M is male, we went through education together and have a purely platonic friendship.
Now M has a ridiculously hot brother who is also his housemate, we'll call the brother W. W and I started seeing each other, nothing serious we were fuck buddies really. Anyway it became a regular occurrence that every Wednesday night after our night out I would stop at M & W's house and M would drop me back at mine the next day on his way to work.
So this one Thursday morning W and I were ridiculously hungover in bed but we had about 20 mins to spare until M had to set off and drop me home so we thought we'll squeeze in a quickie. Well we got carried away with the time and M bursts through the door to find out if I'm getting a lift or not right at the moment his brother is kneeling either side of my head jizzing on my face.
What followed was a very awkward car journey with M looking like he'd seen a ghost. Apparently he'd rang us both and when neither answered he just assumed we'd overslept and came in to wake us up.
I know this isn't as bad as some of the fuck ups on here but I'll tell you now it's very awkward trying to have a normal conversation with your friend when you know he's seen you full on naked playing with your own clit whilst his brother straddles your face and jizzes on you!
Edit: spacing
LavaSkier: *Mario and Wario
Bonanza86: So that would make the narrator Peach?
[deleted]: Poor Luigi and Waluigi :(
bdawgsupreme: sry m9 we ARE luigi and waluigi :((((((((((((((
| 5 | 25.2 | |
1409009814 | 1409014590 | t3_2ekskt | t5_2to41 | 24 | ThrowawayTIFUB: TIFU by streaming pornography to my little brother and grandmother.
Well, I was about to jerk off to some porn. I right clicked on the video because its default is windows media player and fuck windows media player, I prefer VLC. Anyways, when I right click on stuff there is a button that says "Play to living room". Its a feature for the Xbox that lets you stream movies and such to your Xbox. Anyways, I clicked it instead of open with VLC. I streamed porn to my little brother and grandmother for about 10 seconds.
LordQuintus: What genre was the video? Like amateur, bbw, anal ect. Please don't tell me you streamed your gran lesbian porn......
Dr_Mysterious: Fart Porn Orgy
LordQuintus: The fuck OP.
Why would you steal my fetish?
isaac_nt: Sorry
LordQuintus: No it's ok, you just owe me a terabyte of fart orgy porn.
| 6 | 4 | |
1409008714 | 1409011895 | t3_2ekqrr | t5_2to41 | 10 | NoBeatingAroundBushe: TIFU by removing a skin tag, at home.
For a little background, I had a skin tag under my armpit that had been there for "years" (I don't remember when it showed up) and was hanging on by a thread about 2 months ago. It was finally being bothersome, so I iced it to numb, cut it off with some sterilized scissors, stuck a bandage on it for a few minutes until the very light bleeding stopped, and that was it. It was pretty painless (literally and figuratively).
However, I also had a few show up around my genital area (on top, off to the side, where everything "comes together") about three years ago. 2/3 of them got ripped off by accident within a few months of forming, and it was no big deal; small spot of blood, nothing to worry about. I lived with the last one until recently, because all the running I've been doing lately was starting to irritate it (the rubbing), plus I didn't feel like explaining anymore that "it's OK, it's been checked. Just a skin tag...). I decided it had to go.
So, about 10pm Friday night, I once again grabbed my trusty sharp scissors, an ice cube and alcohol, and went to work. I also grabbed my bottle of liquid skin to seal it up nice afterwards. Clean the tool(s), hold the ice cube on for a minute...snip. Ok, that wasn't bad. oop... a little blood coming, won't be able to liquid skin that yet. Hold a bandage on it for a minute. shit... still bleeding a bit. Ok, I'll just throw a bandaid on for an hour or so, seal it up, and it'll be OK. Bandaid... ehh..not sealing so well; not a good area to get pressure, or anything. It's ok, I'll keep checking on it. A minute later, I look, and there's blood allll over my junk. Shit... the bandaid is completely soaked through. That's a new one for me. Ok, looks like manual pressure for this one due to its awkward location.
I'll cut to the chase: 3 hours later, at 1am, with multiple attempts to stanch the flow long enough to get some liquid skin to dry and seal it up, I finally went to the "emergency room" because it wouldn't stop bleeding. Except the "ER" clinic doesn't take my insurance (because they're "standalone"). It's going to cost AT LEAST $300 to dab a little silver nitrate on it. No thanks.
So I went back home.... and it had finally fucking stopped. On its own. Apparently while I was dealing with the ER and driving home.
Lesson to be learned here: don't be stupid.
cherylannmarie: I've removed skin tags at home because the cost to remove them at the doctors is ridiculous. I will say the process is pretty painless if done right, however, some removals did bleed more than others. All I did was keep applying pressure until finally it would stop. Thankfully the healing process was quick with no further issues.
NoBeatingAroundBushe: I think this one had just been there long enough to get it's own blood supply, or whatever. And then because of its location, I couldn't keep pressure on it appropriately. It was quite the bleeder, considering length of time.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409011313 | 1409044484 | t3_2ekv1d | t5_2to41 | 12,468 | Redditscott: TIFU by ignoring the no fraternizing at work rule and had a SWAT team called on me.
This is a long story with a lot of details. So strap in, there's a nice payoff at the end.
Like most TIFU, I was younger at the time, about 19 years old and was working at an Italian restaurant in the town that I live in. I live in a decently sized beach town that has no little to no crime and feels very much like a small town.
The bosses at the restaurant I worked at were only a few years older than me and had hired me basically because I made them laugh during the interview. I realized this was important on my first day, because basically every other employee at the restaurant were girls. Hot ones. Like it's hard to concentrate on what you were doing hot. Of course my bosses did this so that they could hook up with them after work. And it worked. I regularly witnessed this process. So it was never surprising when one wouldn't show up and they'd hire another hot one sometime thereafter. I actually became numb to it. Instead of trying to act cool when a hot girl showed up for her first day, I was actually just cool about it. Because I was never the one getting laid. The bosses monopolized every chance that walked in through the front door.
So when one day, a mid 30's supermodel faced Russian girl walked in the front door dressed like me, I didn't even flinch. She was without a doubt, the new hottest girl at the restaurant. But I was polite and said hi a couple times to her, but ultimately ignored her the first few weeks she worked with me. Mind you, the restaurant was always super busy and I knew that all these girls ended up hooking up with my wealthy, good looking bosses. I knew my chances were slim to none. Why bother even trying?
After a few weeks of basically ignoring this girl, I realize that every day we work together, she basically starts to follow me around. If I'm at the bar, she's at the bar. If I'm at a break out back, she's on her break too. We start talking, and she's funny and I like listening to her. So eventually I start giving her rides home from work and picking her up when she needs it. And thus begins the framework for the most insane hookup night of my life.
See, this girl didn't own her own car, but lived in a nice house with a roommate in a nice neighborhood. The same neighborhood as my wealthy bosses. My bosses actually had to pass her house on their way home from work. The neighborhood was within walking distance of work, which is why she started working there. So we start getting closer, but like the idiot that I am, I never even begin to think there is potential that I could hook up with her. I'm sure I am completely in the friend zone. And I didn't care. She's pretty and she's hanging around with me and I'm 19. She's 30 something. I feel special enough.
I also don't think much of it either when I show up to work and start getting ribbed by one of my bosses about hanging out with her. He teased me in a fun way and I deny there being anything between us because there wasn't. But after a few days of this, I noticed the boss who primarily hooks up with the girls watching me a lot and not being so nice to me anymore. I'm young, but I immediately understand the problem I'm creating. He hires hot girls and then fucks them. That's the routine. I'm fucking up his routine. Hottest girl in the restaurant is hanging around me and not him. Being that I like my job, and make way more money than a 19 year old should, I really start pushing away from hot Russian girl. To the point of ignoring her. This was when I learned an early lesson about really hot girls. One you've probably heard before. Their entire adult life is riddled with guys who chase them, constantly pester them and never leave them alone. For a guy, any guy, to completely ignore them, is foreign to them. Paying them no attention will a lot of time actually make them go after you harder. Which is exactly what happened.
So now it's becoming noticeable to me and everyone else we work with that this girl won't leave me alone. She begins to hang on me and tease me and do anything that will have me paying attention to her. On one side of the coin, it was awesome. On the other side, I could see my one bosses boiling rage that the younger funny guy he hired was beating him in the hot Russian girl game. And I wasn't just beating him, I was sweeping the series. Without so much as trying.
So one weekend night I show up for work and as soon as I get inside, the boss who has begun to hate me calls me into the office. By the way, let's call hot, supermodel Russian girl "Anna".
Boss: "What's going on with Anna?"
Me: "I don't know, did she not show up?"
Boss: "No, I mean with you and her. You guys fucking?"
So I'm young and smart, and know when I shouldn't let people walk over me or intimidate me. I want to keep my job, but I won't be a bitch about things either. So smiling I say, "I'm not sure if that's any of your business."
Big mistake. The mistake that starts it all. Because he slams the paper's he working on down hard on the table. He turns around in his chair and says, "Do you like your job? Do you want to keep it?" He knows the answer, so I just stare at him. "Well then stop seeing Anna. Stop picking her up, stop hanging with her every second that you are here. Stop allowing her to hang on you. Or I'll fire you." Immediately I understand the depth of how much he is into this girl and he's willing to fire me over it to get his way. And so I agree. I make the decision right then and there, that I'll keep away from her. Like I said, I have little to no chance anyway, and I'm making great money. Whatever.
The night begins to wind down and I decide to go take a break out back. I've been ignoring Anna all night and my boss is now thoroughly pleased with me. His master scheme has worked and he can get back to trying to fuck the hottest waitress in the restaurant. So I'm sitting out back, not even thinking about the situation when Anna busts out the back door and slams it shut behind her. She's evidently pissed. She walks right up to me and doesn't fuck around with what's on her mind.
Anna: "Are you mad at me?"
Me: "No, look Anna, I like you. You're great. But us being friends is making shit uncomfortable with the bosses and I. They're getting pissed at me."
Anna: "Because (shitty boss) wants to fuck me?"
Me: Yes, because (shitty boss) wants to fuck you."
Anna: "Do you want to fuck me?"
This is the part in the movie where the record would scratch, and then the main character laughs uncomfortably, completely at a loss for words.
Me: "Um, uh... look, you're beautiful. No guy who sees you isn't attracted to you."
Anna: "I asked if you wanted to fuck me?"
Me: "Yeah. I would fuck you."
Anna: "Good, then when we got off work tonight, take me back to my place and fuck me."
And with that she walks off and back into the restaurant. I sit there stunned, in a haze. I'm pretty sure she's serious. I'm terrified. My life up until this point has been awful drunken hookups with high school girls at parties. I literally can't think. But I'm in. I'm solidly fucking in. Fuck my boss. This is worth losing my job over.
So we wrap up work and she jumps in my car and we speed off. It's only when I pull up to her house, do I remember, shit... my boss lives in this neighborhood. I'm pretty sure he has to pass right down this road when he goes home. This must be how he has figured out she and I had been hanging out so much. I can't leave my car in the driveway. He'll see it. So she comes up with an idea I can't disagree with. There's a doctors office in a business complex right across the street. I can park there and just run back over. It's perfect.
So I get back to her house, and walk in her front door and walk to her room, and she's standing in her underwear. It goes without saying that it's a memory burned into my mind. She takes my hand, sits me down on her bed and what follows is exactly what a 19 year old kid dreams of. So it's about 30 minutes later and the room is darkly lit and I'm praying to every major deity and thanking them that I haven't finished too quickly, because I want this moment to last forever. She's on top of me, and time is in slow motion. It's the greatest moment of my life at that point. Which is why it took me a few seconds to realize I'm seeing flashlights on her ceiling. I'm also seeing flashlights underneath her door to her room. She notices them first. Then I'm snapped back to reality. She starts to freak out. It's obviously flashlights. Pouring into her house.
Being that I was the guy, and the guy is always supposed to protect the girl, I run naked to one of the windows. I look outside to see (and I'm not exaggerating here) 10 to 12 police cars with their lights on. In my peripheral I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Slowly approaching is 5 officers dressed completely in SWAT gear. My only rational thought is that I'm watching all this and I'm naked. I no longer have an erection. I grab my boxers, throw them on and go to run back to the window. They're at this house, but this can't be for us. I'm confused.
From outside, a man yells, "(Town I live in) Police! Open the front door immediately! The house is surrounded! We have a K-9 Unit! We will send him in if you don't comply!" I don't even think. I'm not a guy who gets in trouble a lot and have police officers in my family. The police tells you to do something, you do it. End of discussion. So I run to the front door, I swing it open and am staring at about 20 officers. SWAT included. Now my erection is inside me. I put my hands up, and go to speak when a hand comes out of nowhere and whips me to the ground. In my underwear. And it's raining. I land in a puddle. Hard. I hear hot Russian girl scream. The police rush past and enter the house. What the fuck is happening? I now have a vagina.
I'm cuffed, there's dog's barking. A knee crushes into my neck and I'm throw into the back of a car while I'm asking what is happening. A few minutes pass and I turn to see hot Russian girl's roommate and hot Russian girl in my t-shirt and a towel talking to police. They're both cuffed. I'm sitting the back of the squad car for about a minute when I glance across the street and see 3 more police cars parked next to my Jeep. Where I had parked in the business complex. That perfect parking spot to hide from my boss. Then it dawns on me. It wasn't a perfect spot. Because it was well passed midnight. We work at a restaurant that doesn't get out till late. So I parked my car in an empty business parking lot, late at night, got out and ran around the side of the building. Mind you, I'm dressed in black from my job. Late at night, dressed in black, running around the side of a closed building. That probably looked pretty suspicious to the elderly security guard who patrolled the complex at night.
So he made a call to the sheriff. So I know you're thinking at this point, well there's no way this many officers, let alone SWAT would show up for this. But they did. And here's why. The security guard went to the building to play police officer while waiting for the cops to arrive. He got out his flashlight and went searching apparently from building to building looking into windows. He at one point climbed up on a bench and looked inside a window and slipped and his flashlight crashed into and through a window. So now the alarms have gone off. When the police finally show up, he completely neglects to mention, he's the one who set off the alarm. Being that he's old, I've kind of forgiven him since then. So when the cops go searching the buildings they not only find a broken window, but know someone has attempted to get inside. Obviously. But they can't find me. Because I'm across the street having the greatest night of my life. So they call the K-9 Unit for a search. Which just so happens to be doing a late night training operation with the local SWAT team. What better way to train, then to do a real world exercise with someone breaking and entering.
But it gets better. Her roommate drove a really nice car. An older Mercedes. A Mercedes that had just recently been in a minor car accident the week before. Damage right to the driver side of her car. Not major, but a nice little dent. So when the K-9 sniffs and tracks me passed the building, right up to the house I'm in, (yeah the dogs noses are that good) they now see a car that looks like it has been kicked in and house with basically no lights on in it. They treat the situation as if I could be running and trying to get away from them. Which gets us back to where I'm at. Soaked, in my underwear, in the back of a squad car.
Now I know this has been a long story, and if you've stuck with it, the payoff is coming right now. And it's an amazing payoff.
When I'm pulled out of the car, I explain the same story to them that hot Russian girl has told them: my boss told me to stay away and so I parked my car across the street to get laid. Basically word for word. The look they all give each other was priceless. I'll cherish that look forever. But, they now realize they have fucked up majorly but don't want to admit it just yet. There's about 10 cops standing around me outside of the car.
SWAT guy: "How'd the window get broken?"
Me: "I don't know, I didn't touch anything. I just ran around the side to her house."
Officer: "The security guard just told us he accidentally broke it, he didn't tell us that earlier."
SWAT guy: "So you're over here, kinda hooking up?"
Me: "Yes sir. We work together. We just got off work. That's why I just parked there."
SWAT guy #2: "She's like in her 30's. You look about 16."
Me: "I'm 19. But yeah, she's older than me."
SWAT guy: "Wow."
A couple chuckles. Then silence.
SWAT guy: "Seriously... good for you man. I'm amazed. You're on another level then I was at your age."
They then begin to apologize and begin to say things like "You understand we were just doing our jobs, we didn't know what was actually happening. You could have been dangerous" etc. etc.
So I tell them not to worry and that I have police family members and completely understand. I won't be suing them or filing reports or anything. I just want the cuffs off. So they continue to be extra nice as they turn me around to take my cuffs off. So the payoff I've been talking about... the amazing kicker to the whole story. When they turn me around, I'm now facing back out across the street, in my underwear with the cuffs still on, and I see both my bosses pulled over on the side of the road, sitting on the side of their car, watching the whole thing. How long they have been there, I don't know. There were so many cop cars in the street they had to stop and wait.
I was fired the next day.
P.S. On a side note, I dated that hot Russian supermodel for about a year and gained almost legendary status around just about everybody I knew for dating her. So it was worth it. Also, that boss lost his restaurant and became a cop. I was accepted into the police academy a month ago. I'll probably be seeing everybody in this story on a regular basis again. =)
DoctorMBoticus: That was pretty much the best TIFU I've read. Probably a really good start to a movie script.
scratch_043: Man, this...doesn't even really belong here.
It's like /r/yesyesyesno and /r/nonononoyes had a baby.
mrblasty: /r/maybe
StandingQuarter: /r/canyourepeatthequestion
itsglandular: You're not the boss of me now.
lrflew: And you're not so big
roqxendgAme: Wait til you find out your dad is Heisenberg.
dannysmackdown: Breakfast?
roqxendgAme: No, not flynn the breakfast king. Apparently, he has five half-siblings by his dad's previous marriage. And the one in the middle thinks life is unfair.
dannysmackdown: Ah my bad!
roqxendgAme: Easy mistake to make, don't worry, so long's you're not **ahem** brickin' bad.
roqxendgAme: Yeah...that was atrocious. I have shamed my family. I'm gonna go save people the effort and down vote myself. Here you go.
| 13 | 959.076923 | |
1409013169 | 1409041595 | t3_2eky3d | t5_2to41 | 11 | MartyMcFat: TIFU aren't you sick of all the same "TIFU by masturbating" "TIFU I sent nude pic to wrong person" "TIFU by sleeping in" etc
Not only are half the stories fake but come on these same old stories are boring as shit
TonytheGemmer: And then there are people who make ultra long ass TIFUs and dont bother making a tl;dr, ant then there are people who make short ass TIFUs and include a tl;dr.
MartyMcFat: ugh I hate the fucking novels.
Daniel-H: Am I the only one who likes those, if they're written well, at least?
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1409014063 | 1409031732 | t3_2ekzok | t5_2to41 | 11 | BlastKitty: TIFU by going on a water slide...
Please excuse my english, I am not the best!
__________________________________
Today, my family went to the water park and I went with them. In the water park, there is a large slide which you take a ski lift up to it. My family was busy going on smaller slides, so I decided to give this one a shot.
During the slide, you sit with 4 people and decent downwards through a a huge spiraling tunnel until you splash down safely into the pool below... or so I thought. I was partnered with 3 very large individuals. Once we got on, the lifeguard could barely push us down, but when she did, we all flew downward accelerating speed, and during this, one of the individuals starting screaming extremely loud, and started trying to grab onto nearby objects to slow us down... she succeed, in flipping us over.
I was wedged between 2 of the guys, the lady behind, and the raft in front. We eventually slowed down but the our surprise, another rafting group was heading toward us at an alarming rate. A few seconds later they end up colliding with us, causing lots of screams of fright and pain. Or both. Once we made it down, one of the individuals had to be escorted to the medical tent because he somehow managed to cut himself badly, I on the other hand had bruises all over my body and ripped my swim pants. I snuck to the nearest bathroom crouched down, and am now waiting for my family to possibly turn up...
tonefilm: Shit. I'm afraid of water slides too, I would be that fat lady fucking things up.
tonefilm: Edit: oops.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409015521 | 1409015980 | t3_2el250 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting in between my friends relationship
I am friends with "Zack". I am also friends with his girlfriend, "Kate". (Fake names).
Zack has cheated on Kate several times and given Kate an STD.
Kate texts me today and asks if Zack has been doing anything sketchy lately, such as flirting with girls/ smoking pot again.
I told her I didn't want to get in between their relationship because I'm friends with both of them. She insisted, and I finally gave in and told her that he has been a bit flirty with girls and all lately.
Long story short she ends up connecting the dots with what I say about something that happened and turns out he was lying to her about something
She called my crying about the whole thing and told me she knew he was lying and yada yada yada.
I'm afraid that both friends are going to hate me. Or that worse yet a physical fight will occur between me and Zack if Kate breaks up with Zack and my name jumps out.
Kate has promised that she won't tell Zack or mention it was me but I doubt she will stick to it.
I fucked up.
filfy_toad: He gave her an STD. Unless he was jacking it in public, rubbing his knob on random shit, "kate" should have figured this shit out on her own.
Kermit64: Apparently Kate isn't very smart = (.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1409016631 | 1409026784 | t3_2el3yx | t5_2to41 | 16 | Fraise49: TIFU by flipping off the wrong pissed off redneck.
Today I fucked up when I was driving casually on the highway. Now to put this into perspective, I'm a young man, well mannered and calm the large majority of the time, but once I get on the road I become this judgemental douchebag. I am a good driver, don't get me wrong, but I let the slightest failures of the other drivers around me get my nerves. Today however, my anger took things to an extreme I was not comfortable going to.
I'm minding my own business, going about twenty kilometres over the speed limit (Canadian), casually checking my mirror for whoever is riding my bumper. Suddenly I see a large pickup truck passing the cars behind me and it quickly approaches closer to me. I pick up speed in hopes to get him off my ass because at this point he's getting too close. Then, at an unpredictable time he veers to the left to pass me, and of course we have a solid line to the left of us and there are cars coming dangerously close in the oncoming lane. This put the both of us in potential danger so in anger I stuck up my middle finger and left it there for him to view as he cruised by me.
This is where things get messy.
Apparently the man driving the truck did not enjoy getting flipped off. About 500 feet after passing me he decided to slow down and pull his truck onto the side of the road, still moving forward at a very slow pace. I had no choice but to attempt to pass him. I step on the gas and proceed to skate past him when all of the sudden I see the front of his truck begin to veer in my direction. At this point he is window to window with me and our eyes meet. His eyes were wild and I could tell he was livid. The nose of the pickup kept pulling closer and closer to me and I found myself leaning deep into the oncoming lane. This is when I realised the man's intention. I knew he looked crazy but by no means did I expect him to try to kill me. There were cars fast approaching and I began to panic. I floored the gas pedal and manage to speed past him but as I escaped I heard a large thud at my car's rear end. I glanced over to see a large splash of yellowish-orange liquid smeared all over the side of my car near the gas cover. I still to this moment have no idea what the substance was but it was a pain to get off even with a high pressure hose. I don't think I'll be giving the finger to any drivers for a little while. Sometimes you need to learn lessons the hard way.
TL:DR flipped off redneck who then tried to run my car into oncoming traffic and managed to bomb my car with a mystery goo. Not all Canadians are kind.
Guitarknowitall: Reasons to keep a gun in your glovebox. No one fucks with someone reaching for something in their glovebox.
meccanexus: My one and only encounter with a crazyass driver (similar situation sorta), he draggassed through a corner in a snowstorm and I was waiting patiently for him to move, he just stopped in the middle of the road and got out, came up and beat on my hood. I honk, flip him off, motion him out of the way. He came to my window and pulled fist back as if to break it. I pulled my 9mm and set it on the dash, he backed away immediately, I left.
Dude was bigger and pissed-ier than me (I'll never know why on that one!), glad to have some threat of violence to make me not worth his dumbass while. Only time I've ever had to come close to drawing in 10+ years so color me lucky I guess.
Guitarknowitall: I've never come across a psycho angry driver yet. But I keep my Glock loaded and uncocked in my dashboard just in case. I have no intentions on shooting anyone. But after seeing [this crazy ass video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INfElroIKO0) I have no problem keeping one in my truck.
meccanexus: Sounds like a 'better to have it and never need it, than need it and never have it'. That glock communicates 'back the fuck off' way better than anything else, the scary part is it may need to be used someday if they likewise escalate. I hate this crazy world sometimes. Be safe man.
Guitarknowitall: I keep it loaded just because... well you never know when that psycho redneck has a glock in his car too and suddenly your gesture of "back the fuck off" becomes a challenge to his pea brain. Like you said, better to have it and never need it.
meccanexus: Exactly
| 7 | 2.285714 | |
1409017049 | 1409090486 | t3_2el4n1 | t5_2to41 | 5 | a_drunk_man_appeared: TIFU by sending this picture to a girl after I left her door from our first date with a text that said "Had a great time tonight but..."
http://rs1img.memecdn.com/i-wanna-fart-so-hard_o_1463577.jpg
She did not find it so funny.
Her Reply ".....oh"
Me: Yahp
Her:
2 hours in.
steezyvape: The good news is, your aggressive "is she the one" campaign is going to weed out anyone who is not the one VERY effectively.
Now it's just a numbers game.
RaveNCrow3: That's what I was thinking. If they can't take that one joke, they won't stand it later.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409017330 | 1409020613 | t3_2el52h | t5_2to41 | 4 | TurtleExpert: TIFU by getting out of my friends car
Today, I fucked up. While i was with my friend (Lets call him E) in his car, and we were on our way to pick up our other friend (Lets call him K). While we drove by K, he was walking down the street, we just stared at him as we walked by. Being the idiot 19 year old I am, my brain decided "I'm just going to get out of the car." As I opened the door, E slammed on the brakes (again, I don't know what i was thinking) and i just stepped out of the car. As I planted my foot on the ground the force just brought me straight down on my ass and I just sat there comprehending what i had just done.
All of us had a good laugh and contemplation of life for about 10 minutes. When i got home, I checked out the damage to find out pretty gnarly road rash on my ass.
TL;DR I got out of my friend's moving car, fell straight on my ass. I now have road rash on my ass.
sayheytothebadguy: Pic?
TurtleExpert: I mean, if you must insist on having a picture of my ass....
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409018832 | 1409020049 | t3_2el7kl | t5_2to41 | 2 | treeofhealing: TIFU by yelling "I'm so high" in my house after my dad came home
mclitch: OP you done fucked up. Im guessing your father had a chuckle and i think he knows exactly what you ment (he would have to be naive not to).
OP best way to fix problem is to know your fathers stance on smoking weed in the first place and since we know he isnt a total authoritarian on the subject i think you will be fine.
treeofhealing: He is okay with me using it because it helps with my anxiety and depression (pharmaceuticals never worked for me). I definitely don't want meds again aha.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409018885 | 1409064929 | t3_2el7nr | t5_2to41 | 10 | KittenReddit: TIFU by having a fish tank.
LennyTheCrazyInmate: Are you being serious? That is not how you create a saltwater tank. And yes, clownfish are saltwater fish.
KittenReddit: Not the ones I bought... Also, what 13 shots of beer can do to you! XD
reireikouyama: I think you're retarded
ProbablyNotADuck: People who fit the actual definition of retarded are developmentally delayed, which doesn't automatically equate to being stupid.
OP seems to legitimately be stupid. Either OP is stupid for truly believing that salt packets from a restaurant are enough to make a saltwater tank, or OP is stupid for thinking this anecdote is actually entertaining.
reireikouyama: I'd say both
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1409019878 | 1409021845 | t3_2el98k | t5_2to41 | 3 | MartyMcFat: TIFU by accidentally texting a picture of my asshole to my girlfriend's mom
So my girlfriend's mom has the same name as my secret fuck buddy but different spelling. Well I snapped a picture of my asshole because she likes pics of it right after I got done pooping but before I wipe. I sent it to my girlfriend's mom instead. Just kidding I made this up I'm more curious why you're interested in the same exact story for the 10000th time?
Murican_deal_with_it: What the fuck is wrong with you?
MartyMcFat: A lot.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409020222 | 1409020635 | t3_2el9qp | t5_2to41 | 4 | iRZerk: TIFU by drowning my phone 1 month after i bought it.
So basically i had a Galaxy s5, it says its waterproof and i went to the pool and swim with it, also on the sea with the waves and the sand, and it worked perfectly, and then 1 day i decide to clean it with the water faucet (underneat it) and somehow it died... , The phone cost me a lot of money (i saved over 6 months to buy it) and since it was water damage, there is no warranty Q_Q, now i feel sad all my money went down the drain, oh well.
ZachsSmirkingRevenge: Try contacting Samsung?
Only had it for a month mean you are within hardware warranty.
If it is claimed to be water proof, that would be a manufacturers defect.
iRZerk: Well i might try it, i contacted the phone company who sold the phone to me and they told me the phone is fked up, that is not repairable, since the inside chip/plate or w/e has water on it and its rusted, and they told me its not repairable, but oh well i might try contacting samsung :3
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409019513 | 1409087575 | t3_2el8mi | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by snapping my dick string (kinda NSFW)
So recently I decided to stop fapping, but as the night draws on I get more and more tempted to start masturbating. I begin to pull back on my foreskin with quite a lot of force to simulate the feelings of masturbating properly, I guess that is my way of cheating but after a week my urges were raging and I need some form of release.
So here I am in bed pulling back on my foreskin and I then hear a snapping sound as the link of skin attaching my foreskin to the head of my dick completely snaps, allowing a torrent of blood to spurt from my penis.
At this point I am fucking scared and have no idea what to do so I rush to the bathroom to inspect the damage and just as I suspected, I have snapped my dick string.
I am now in immense pain and I will have to sob myself to sleep knowing I broke my penis but hey I thought you lovely people would love to hear about my traumatising ordeal. I will try and keep you guys up to date.
On a positive note at least it stops me from masturbating.
TLDR: pulled back on my foreskin to hard and snapped it off my prised possession.
xpepzi502: I think no-fap is stupid. I mean, it's good to fap. Just limit it ya know? Instead of NOT fapping.
I'm sorry if this comment was horrible, I just love to fap. I'm defending fapping.
-cupcake: from /r/nofap seems the majority of people feel they are addicted to porn/fapping and it's negatively affecting their lives, or there are some that just want to do it to test their self control. I agree, fap all you like. Also nofap all you like.
xpepzi502: Stupid question, does it reduce the chance of having a child that is disabled or sick?
-cupcake: Not a stupid question. A lot of people that do /r/nofap feel that it has affected their personal health.... as for potential offspring's health, none. That's up to your genes, man. Although not cumming for a while *will* mean more sperm when you finally do.... so I guess that helps in the quest to makin' babies.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1409023602 | 1409056640 | t3_2elf0z | t5_2to41 | 44 | yelleknave: TIFU by shaking my bosses hand.
Yesterday, I was cooking some food and I burned the side of my hand relatively badly. I received the burn right on the fatty part of your hand between your thumb and index finger. It is a pretty small burn but I burned it bad enough for it to blister. Today I woke up and it was doing just fine, but the blister was still there. The day goes on and the blister starts gaining more disgusting qualities. It began to fill with puss by the time I had to go into work.
So, today was my last day of work for the summer. I go to a university about two hours away from my home town. I have a strong relationship with my coworkers and boss, so at the end of the night I thought I would pay my boss a nice firm handshake and wish him a good rest of the year. I grabbed his hand, completely forgetting about the blister, and his thumb landed DIRECTLY on it. I felt his hand slide away and something felt different about my burn. He didn't seem to notice anything, but I immediately turned around and walked out of the store. Once I was in the parking lot I looked at my hand and the blister and all of the puss were COMPLETELY GONE. I really wonder what his reaction was when he found out what was on his thumb.
tl;dr: I left my boss with blister skin and puss on his thumb.
I_Will_Try_More: You will for ever more be known as the guy who shook his bosses hand with cum.
johnnywacko: 'It was fucking puss guys I swear.'.....'fuck you Darryl you know I burned myself!'
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1409028195 | 1409032641 | t3_2ellpm | t5_2to41 | 16 | Ruth_Gordon: TIFU By being afraid of the dark
This actually happened yesterday. Well, not yesterday, but last night, as it was entirely dark in my house at the time of my FU.
Preface: I'm a mom of two young children--6-year-old boy, 3-year-old girl. We live in a 2-story house with all of the bedrooms upstairs. My daughter has been waking up in the middle of the night lately and running downstairs to get a drink or a snack without waking anyone up. Then she'll scamper into my bedroom to solemnly swear she has been up to no good and that with her mischief managed it's time to go back to bed.
(Before anyone gets too concerned, our house is fairly well child-proof and we have chain locks at the tops of our doors so there is no way she can escape or get into mortal peril during her adventures.)
Where I FU'd: My daughter woke up last night, ran downstairs in the stealthy ninja mode that only a 3-year-old on a mission for chocolate candies at 2 a.m. can achieve, and then came and woke me up to get her back to bed. After she was asleep again I noticed she had left every light on downstairs so I trudged down to shut them all off.
I was barely awake so I didn't take notice of any rearranging she may have done on her candy trek. I shut the lights off, and carefully (we have lots of Legos) tip-toed in the dark to get back to the stairs. As my eyes began to adjust, I noticed what appeared to be a troll-like, short, but hulking figure about 3 feet in front of me. I realized quickly it couldn't, by any stretch of fact or logic, be anything other than a demonic spirit in my house. Because I'm 39 years old and still afraid of the bogey man...
In a burst of adrenaline I did the first thing any intelligent human being faced with a ghost would do--I kicked at him as hard and fast as I possibly could.
One broken toe and a thousand curse words later, I turned on the light and realized that my daughter had pulled the throw pillows off of the couch and piled them onto her kids' sized Cracker Barrel rocking chair (those things are SOLID), and moved it into the middle of the living room floor. Ghost debunked.
tl, dr: I was assaulted by a ghost and it broke my toe. Thanks a lot, Cracker Barrel.
MSLB: Was I the only bone expecting you to hurt your child?
Gordonphan24: I was expecting it to be the son lol.
MSLB: I was honestly expecting either one of them
| 4 | 4 | |
1409021425 | 1409083464 | t3_2elbnp | t5_2to41 | 14 | obsoleteplastic: TIFU by quoting Rick and Morty at my new job.
Alright, so I started a new job a couple of weeks ago. Get instant benefits, paid time off, the whole shibang. I'm working with a fellow I've never worked with before and we're chatting. We get into talking about books, shows, music, ect. I ask him if he's seen Rick and Morty, he responds with a 'nope'. So I tell him one of my favorite parts of the series, the very beginning of the first episode (before the intro even rolls). So we talk more, and it bounces back to Rick and Morty, in which I talk about the last episode of the season and tell him about Rick's catchphrase, "Wubba lubba dub dub!". Now for the fans of the show out there we all know what Rick's new catchphrase became in the last episode. I yell out the beautiful phrase that seemed so golden less than a moment ago.
"I don't give a fuck!"
Usually, this wouldn't have been remotely a problem, but I said it right when someone behind us says, "Excuse me." Not only did I yell it, I yelled it as I was turning around to respond to her. She looks at me with wide eyes, speechless. It gets a little worse. I can't help but smile and laugh a bit, then I apologize. She just stands there for about 10 more seconds, turns around, and walks away. Let's see if I get reported. Time to play the waiting game!
Edit: Was corrected for "Wubba lubba dub dub". Thanks
btc99: I am here if you need to talk.
uui8457: Hello, fellow human!
btc99: Hello! I am quite fond of human music!
uui8457: What a coincidence, so am I!
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1409030495 | 1409046853 | t3_2elolo | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my boner right before sex.(maybe nsfw?)
I totally fucked up about an hour and a half ago. I just got home and might as well share the story with reddit while I cry my eyes out... I'll try to keep it short.
So I'm an 18 virgin and I recently got my 1st girlfriend. Last Friday I drank a bit and while making out with my girlfriend I fingered her and made her super wet. I was so hard and horny but I didn't have a condom since I never have bought condoms before... We decided to chill out and relax. My girlfriend was like I don't want to pressure you. I don't want to push this whole sex thing in your life. On Saturday I decided to man up and bought condoms.. But without lube coming in them... So just dry condom. Mind you I've never used one before. That night we're getting hyped up and just before I put my condom on my boner leaves... Same thing happens again Sunday morning and Sunday night.
Now here comes today's fuck up. I went over and had dinner with her watched the Emmy's then we started to go at it again. This time she actually dominates me. And she teasing me with oral(she doesn't like to give oral). Now I'm super hard and I still have to go down on her since condom isn't lubed up.. No problem because I love seeing and hearing her orgasm. As I'm about to put the condom on my erection disappears. Yet again... I tell my gf sorry I'm so embarrassed. And she just shrugs it off and pushes me sway and tells me to go home. I stay 5 more minutes then I leave.
She texts me: "Do you want to break up with me?"
" I'm trying so hard what do you want from me"
"I feel like you're trying to be something you're not"
I say something along the lines that I would never break up with her over my nervousness and virginity and that I've always been a virgin.. It's a big step.
Now then she replies: "but it was a step you said you wanted to take and now I feel like an idiot"
" Maybe we just need a break."
Now I freaked out and texted her and still waiting for a reply.. I'm not sleeping tonight.... I need help. Oh yeah I wrote this on mobile sorry.
TL;DR: My penis might've shortened my relationship because it can't stay erect.
Update- Still waiting for her to wake up and text me.....
Update part 2- http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2enb85/tifupdate_tifu_by_losing_my_boner_right_before/
sontakasa: You're not the first one to have this problem and won't be the last either. It happens to most of the guys although they will never admit to it. Hopefully you'll work things out. If it works out, just take it slowly and try not to remember what happened the last time you tried it, it will only make things worse. Another tip is that the GF can put the condom on while teasing you.
PM_ME_ASIAN_TITS: This advice here is good. I'll even admit to OP that it's happened to me too.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1409031162 | 1409061848 | t3_2elpe4 | t5_2to41 | 16 | spruzo: TIFU by impersonating my father to make my girl friend believe I was dead.
This literally happened 10 minutes ago. A little back story. I play pranks like this ALL the time on my SO. Though that doesn't make what I did any less douchey. Usually I say things like, "I won't be home tonight, going over to my other girl friend's place." She laughs and I laugh and it's all good. It doesn't really matter which joke is played because I work about 5 minutes from home. So any joke can be canceled before it gets too serious. We are a very relaxed couple. But tonight I took it a little too far. For the sake of the story my dad = Mark, I = Devon, and my gf = Sally.
I got off work at 11pm and I saw a message from my SO saying, "I'm excited to see you! Drive safe!"
I texted her back saying, "This is Mark, Devon is in the hospital. We just got settled so I'm able to tell you." I tried texting less fluently as to emulate someone who doesn't use a phone all the time. I followed that up with, "Room 235 at the hospital by you."
Sally, "What??"
"Devon overdosed on pain medication at work. Please get down here he is begging to see you." This story makes sense because Sally has had a serious cold for a few days. So between taking care of her and University starting today, I was beat and my head was throbbing. Sally also know's that my work has ibuprofen in the first aid kit. She would assume that I had an incorrect dosage of whatever pain meds or maybe somebody stocked the incorrect ones.
Directly after that text I started getting a call. I was about 30 seconds from home so I figured if she were to start driving to the hospital that I would catch her. So I canceled the call and replied with, "The doctor is calling me in. I can't talk."
As I'm coming up on our street I can see the back of her car so that's a relief. But then I pull up and she's behind the car. She's obviously crying and she looks up at me, recognizes me, and her face goes stone cold. I roll down the window and try to explain. I probably get one sentence out and she rolls her eyes, scoffs, and storms into the house. I hurriedly pull in and go inside. Her purse and it's contents are scattered over the top of the stairs. This is how I knew she was really pissed. She didn't even bother taking it into the bedroom with her which was 4 feet away.
At this point I'm feeling pretty fucking shitty. I just convinced her that I was dying and would probably die before she got to say goodbye. I go to the bedroom. Spoiler alert, it's locked. I hurry and go get a tool to stick inside the hole and she opens the door. Right about now I'm expecting a back hand or some shit. We're not violent and we've never laid a violent hand on each other but I would not blame her if she decided to slap me.
Sally just says, "It's okay. I know it was just a joke." And she gave me a huge hug. She is a very passive girl but when she's hurt she'll let you know. I'm really lucky to have such a forgiving girl friend! I kept saying sorry and she was still sniffling back tears. She said she knows it was just a joke and she forgives me because I've been taking care of her endlessly for the last day or two.
TL;DR: Impersonated my dad to convince my GF I was dying. Turns out she is the most forgiving person on the planet and I really scored.
Ticklemypicklee: You're an idiot..
caretaker81: And you should write an apology poem titled "I'm and idiot" as well for her.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1409030175 | 1409223866 | t3_2elo8d | t5_2to41 | 48 | gag_mewithaspoon: TIFU by forgetting the name of the baggy skin on my elbow.
Quick back story: My fiance has lately been playfully grabbing/tickling the baggy skin at my elbow and saying in a high pitched voice "I got your wenis!" - that is what it is called. Any way, fast forward to this evening, we are at my parents house for our family dinner and enjoying everyone's company. While I am fixing my plate of noms he rushes over to grab my wenis, to which I forgot the name and yell out "Stop playing with my anus!!!!".... Many awkward stares from all...
TIL that the baggy skin at your elbow is not your anus.
OuttaSightVegemite: My brother and I call it "the chewy" because it looks like it'd be chewy.
gag_mewithaspoon: Okay this one made me laugh really hard
OuttaSightVegemite: I laughed just as hard when he tried to bite that part of my elbow to prove his point....
| 4 | 12 | |
1409032317 | 1409059096 | t3_2elqq2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Jay_Lenos_Socks: TIFU by faking an allergic reaction to get out of school.
So like many TIFUs, this happened a bit ago, when I was in fifth grade at the awkward age of ten.
It was 2011, and I was pudgy, awkward, and pre-pubescent. I didn't have any friends, and going to school was a nightmare, i fucking dreaded going and being made fun of every day. On top of social anxiety, I was (and still am) incredibly allergic to peanuts, though I refused to sit at the "peanut free table" during the lunch period with the asthmatic kids and snot drippers. So i ate with gen-pop and sucked it up (allergy isn't airborn). One day at school was especially bad with torment and teasing, and during lunch I decided I couldn't face it anymore. So I hatched a diabolical plan to get out of the joint for at least the day: I would complain of a possible allergy.
I made my way to the nurse's office, a mousey woman who was so goddamn nervous already a more mature brain would have been able to predict the outcome that laid ahead. I told her I sat next to someone eating a PB&J, and didn't feel quite well. Vague enough to not raise too much alarm, potentially serious enough to get me out of class, right? Wrong. So wrong. She freaks. Her face froze in sheer fright at my words. She raced to the cabinet and took out the liquid benadryl, giving me about 75mg off the bat. This is a strong dose for an adult, WAY too much to give to a ten year old, no matter how much extra weight he's got. She nervously sends me back to class, and tells me if I feel ANYTHING at all to come straight back. So I head back.
Well now I'm pissed because I'm still in school, but then I start to get fucked. up. That Benadryl is no joke. I'm all messed up and my stomach starts to hurt, so I get a hall pass and go back to the nurse. By now, there's three other women in here aside from her--all various women in the school with some self-proclaimed nursing training. They're all in a lively discussion about peanut reactions. I complain about my upset stomach when one starts to freak out: "Oh my God!! I read in a magazine that an upset stomach is a definite indication of a reaction!" Home and Garden is life, so they trust it. One calls 911 while the main nurse grabs an epi-pen and stabs me with it, sending me on a crash course through my first speedball on Benadryl and epi.
I should mention here that I'm now crying hysterically, because everyone in the office is screaming and I just got stabbed with something that wasn't explained to me at the time, and now my body is all hopped up on adrenaline that's overriding a small overdose of antihistamines, and now an ambulance is on the way. This is not how I envisioned the day.
Anyway, the ambulance arrives, and they almost immediately know the nurses fucked up. They wheel me out on a gurney and start laughing. One asks if there was a math test I wanted to get out of. They take me to the hospital and my mom picks me up. Not sure if I ever told her the whole truth.
TL;DR Faked an allergic reaction to get out of school; caused pandemonium and got sent to the hospital on a lot of drugs.
[deleted]: Couldn't you have just said you had the shits? A lot less drama.
johnnywacko: He was a kid. Hard to understand all the consequences.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409032943 | 1409044961 | t3_2elrf9 | t5_2to41 | 30 | dudere: TIFU by not deleting my texts, and tipping my mom off about weekend plans.
Let me begin with something simple, I am a 17 year old girl. An atheist in a god fearing family, I find it hard to relate sometimes. "So brave," I know.
My mom recently, has been pushing me to get a job. I find that reasonable, I don't pay for my phone or anything I have, I should probably start helping out with that. Problem? Its something a little silly, really. I get really anxious and shy around people. This makes the applying process utterly horrifying. I know, its just something Ive got to get over. Anyway, my parents have been pushing extra hard lately, and Ive been getting frustrated with it.
Today I was supposed to write a list of places I could go apply. I was given twenty four hours. I shouldve just done it.
So, my girlfriend calls, and I rarely get to talk to her as she goes to another school and her parents, like mine, aren't really LGBT friendly.
In the middle of this phone call, my brother comes in to tell me my mom wants me. I ask for five more minutes, and then get a little frustrated when she doesnt immediately get into what was to be discussed.
They show me the list my step father came up with, which had a bunch of places I thought about adding. I didnt, for whatever reason, write it down. First mistake. Second mistake. Today, Id gone out and boughten a book cover for my spanish book, and just before Id met up with my girlfriend to buy condoms. Why do two girls need condoms? (So there's this funny story about how were also dating this guy, and we planned to go to her house for the weekend.)
I texted my boyfriend about this. And didnt delete the texts.
I really wanted to get back to my girlfriend so Im antsy about the job discussion. Stupid. All I had to do was get five names of places I could work for that werent fast food and werent on the list. I got anxious and confused over nothing. She took my phone,
Any how. My mom read them. Shes mad at my boyfriend, and never wants me to see him again. And my girlfriend? Mom doesnt know were together, but didnt sound to happy about us planning to go over without parents home. She wants to confront him. Hes such a sweet boy...
I completely destroyed my mom's trust. Two of the best people Ive ever met are in danger, my life is now falling apart, and I feel sick.
Pablo_expat: All I can't think is about the lucky guy who has been living all men's fantasy at just 17 years old.
[deleted]: I really want to kick that guys ass, stupid lucky basterd, most redditors were virgins at his age
Pablo_expat: At 17 I had a hot girlfriend and was happy. Now i m not anymore lol
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1409035815 | 1409096955 | t3_2eluch | t5_2to41 | 57 | uniSean: TIFU by getting chloroformed the night before my final exam
I'm a physics major, and I'm taking some difficult courses. Last semester (spring 2014), I decided to take scuba so I'd have something fun to do in between the endless studying. We had to do a group presentation for the scuba final, and I got grouped with the only other science major, and the worst slacker in the class. For anonymity I will call them Kelly and Joe, respectively.
As the semester progresses, I become friends with Kelly. We decide to study for the tests together, but I don't know of a quiet place on campus to study. Turns out she works on one of the labs, and we can study there. So we study in her lab for the tests, and one time she mentions that there is a big bottle of chloroform in the back of the lab.
We joke about how funny it would be to get knocked out with it, and how we are both curious about what chloroform actually smells like. This repeats every time we study together. Finally, we're putting together our finalized presentation in a computer lab, but Joe McFlakerton is being flaky. He says he'll email his part to us by 9pm. So we go back to studying for our other classes while waiting for him to get his crap together.
After an hour, it's about 8pm now, Kelly says she really wants to know what chloroform smells like. Taking the hint, and realizing this may be my only chance to test the effects of chloroform, I grab both of our bags and head for her lab. We make sure nobody's around, and pull out a 3 liter glass bottle of chloroform.
Kelly tells me to sit near her so she can catch me if I pass out, and I take a small whiff. It smells like acetone, but super sweet, and I don't pass out. I hand her the bottle, she sniffs, still awake. So we get some paper towels, soak them in chloroform, and hold it over our own mouths. We get really high, like good weed, but don't pass out. And it only lasts 45-90 sec. We do this, studying and trying to pass out for a few hours.
Around 10pm, we're still in the lab. I tell Kelly to give me her rag, and I re-soak it. I then grab her face, and shove the rag over her nose and mouth, kidnapper style. She breathes calmly and deeply, and after almost 60 seconds she goes limp. I'm worried about what might happen, so I make sure she keeps breathing, and I hold her head sideways in case she vomits. She wakes up 6 minutes later, yawns, and says that was a nice nap. Kelly then chloroforms me.
I can barely breathe. Chloroform burns. My eyes water. I wanna claw my throat, rip her hands from my face, take a breath of air, and then black. I wake up, and it takes me a few minutes to realize I actually passed out. She says I was out for 5 min. At this point we decide to go home. It's now after midnight, we're feeling nauseous from chloroform, and I have a big physics exam at 9am.
Next morning I feel like shit. I found out later that chloroform turns into phosgene, a gas used as a weapon during WWI, in your body. So I fail the heck out of my physics final. I meet up with Kelly an hour before scuba. We both feel horrible, but Joe finally emailed his stuff at 5am, so we quickly put it together and go to class.
The presentation goes fine, we get A+'s in scuba, but I have to retake a difficult physics class.
Well, I've got a fun story to tell the kids, and a friend for life. Plus, I can still retake the class, so it's not that bad.
tl;dr
A friend had access to chloroform, and we chloroformed each other the night before my important final exam, which I then failed.
Edit:
No sexiness was involved. I'm married. She's engaged. It is possible to have a platonic relationship with the other sex.
jerbaws: a whole minute before it kicks in?! aw there goes my plan then to get a 'date' in the park later.
thedudester09: I swear I'm not from /r/shitredditsays but I really don't think that is funny.
jerbaws: That's ok, it's just a joke. Lol I can assure you I have neither chloroform nor an intent to go use it. I have a gf and a lovely dog.
thedudester09: I know you don't, and I really don''t normally see a problem with jokes like that, but that one just seems sorta creepy for some reason. Hopefully srs doesn't notice or I guarantee you'll get vote brigaded.
jerbaws: Haha but it's meant to be a bit creepy that's the point and why it's amusing (or so I thought lol). Have you heard of Frankie Boyle? If not don't look him up you won't find him funny lol
thedudester09: I guess, and normally I would agree, that just seems a little distasteful to me. No, I haven't, I will look him up though.
jerbaws: Yeah if you find that distasteful You won't enjoy Frankie Boyle lol let me me know how you get on though!
thedudester09: Haha, okeedokee, nice talking to you.
jerbaws: Haha yeah he's popular over here. It's hard hitting stuff. Bye now :)
| 10 | 5.7 | |
1409036729 | 1409152109 | t3_2elv9j | t5_2to41 | 841 | sdjfsdlsdkfj: TIFU by being a nazi
This happened about 5 years ago on my first schoolday in an American highschool.
I am a German with a thick German accent. And because I am an immigrant German (brown) I always enjoyed an extra leeway to tell racist jokes and make funny racist remarks.
In my first period I had a physics class and because we would do a lot of experiments throughout the year we were put into small groups and were allowed to talk to each other for a while.
After we introduced eachother there was an awkward silence and I thought it would be a great idea to break the ice and make new friends by telling a short joke.
In my goofy teenager mind I thought it would be hilarious if the German exchange student would tell a joke about jews:
"How many jews fit in a volkswagen" I asked. After another awkward silence I finished the joke:
"Two in the front, two in the back and 50 in ze ashtray!"
To my surprise nobody was laughing and the guy right next to me told me with an angry voice that I should know that he is jewish and that his grandparents escaped the holocaust.
In shock i stuttered nervously:
"Oh, this is awkward. I didn't expect this reaction. You know, in Germany we don't have many jews."
tldr: explained a jewish classmate that it is ok to tell jew jokes in Germany because there are no jews left to be offended
BResix: > In Germany we don't have many Jews.
Well I wonder why that is...
sdjfsdlsdkfj: Well, in 1938 the nazis took over, did terrible things, and in 1945 they left the country.
sRazors96: 1933.
sdjfsdlsdkfj: Of course. Kinda embarrassing to get that wrong. I guess I typed to fast and just had the war in my head..
sRazors96: The war started in 1939.
sdjfsdlsdkfj: And you are right again. Today I am just embarrassing myself..
Alisamix: Just....stop typing.
OnlyForF1: I think we've already established that OP isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
"I need to make new friends.. I know, I'll make a Holocaust joke!"
mikochan222: My buddy and i had this thing going, where he would tell holocaust jokes to strangers at a bar. When the awkward silence started, i would join in by saying : dont be offended, he just doesnt believe this whole holocaust thing happened.
needless to say, we are german as well.
but the reactions are worth it !
edit : typing
OnlyForF1: I can't tell if you guys have balls of steel or fetal alcohol syndrome.
chaosharmonic: /r/nocontext
| 12 | 70.083333 | |
1409039605 | 1409045566 | t3_2elxwe | t5_2to41 | 5 | throwmeaway999991: TIFU by possibly entering a D/s dynamic with my landlord/bestfriend's gf.
Let me start off by saying that I'm feeling not super great about who I am at the moment and fully recognize that I have screwed up in a massive way.
A short time ago I moved to a new state, I somehow managed to completely out of the blue find a room to rent in a house that was an ideal location and a live-in landlord. We had chatted and exchanged numbers a couple months beforehand and had really built up a fast friendship, we were basically best friends before we had moved in together. He even full admits that there is much brolove between the two of us, with us mutually agreeing that we're both basically best friends and just a hint of hollywood-gay for one another. We'll call him "Joe", and boy is he an awesome dude.
Joe and I are both single, eligible bachelors, and shortly after moving in we both started long term relationships, we'll call my gf "Molly" and his gf "Marie" (thankfully she knows the difference between rocks and minerals). We all sort of basically became fast friends and really enjoyed the time we spend together, and have been having a great time since. Well, until a few months ago when Molly dumped me and I took it really hard, and have been trying to deal with it. Molly was very special to me because she was very sexually open and experienced, especially in dominance, submission, and bondage. She brought the Dom out of me as she was extremely submissive, we had a great time and I don't hold any ill will towards her, but I sure as hell miss her and the great sex. We fully embraced the lifestyle and now I cannot imagine my sex life with a lot of D/s dynamic to it, it's just what I enjoy and that's what I want. Marie is really awesome as well, she's an excellent cook, has steady work and is accomplished, and is someone I have come to and confided and feel a deep intimacy with. She's also crazy sexy and a ton of fun, but that's my best bud's gf so she's off limits, but damn is she a cool chick and just the easiest to talk to and so understanding. I really care for her and have sat down so she could vent at me and I vent at her, we have a great dynamic in the house.
Until tonight. So Joe wasn't feeling too well and went to bed really early, both me and Marie are sitting around smoking a little pot, drinking a little hard liquor. We both had kind of a crappy day and just wanted to talk it out, and like I said, we're about as intimate as two friends get so there really was no off limit subject. A few drinks and puffs in we're both complaining about our relationships, mine the lack thereof. I talked about how hard it is to find women who are into true Dom/Sub stuff and bondage but only within a certain dynamic and all the stuff that me and the ex used to do. Basically Marie starts complaining that Joe is very vanilla, how unsatisfied and sexually frustrated she is, and how he doesn't dominate her the way she desires, which turns out to be the way that *I* desire the dynamic to be; all about mutual respect, total openness, and true intimacy through BDSM, very light on the humiliation but still strict. I like to say I'm a very compassionate and caring but strict Dom who tries to empower his subs to explore, and the same to himself, not necessarily as a 24/7 thing but definitely frequent.
We basically talked for hours about it, Marie seemed absolutely fascinated by the idea, her face lit up, she kept saying yes that's so amazing when I talked about all the fun me and Molly had had. Marie even started crying at one point and I felt bad, I hugged her and there was something...odd about it. She seemed to embrace me with her whole body, even sniffing my neck. Next thing I know her face is firmly planted on mine, we're stripping off clothes, she's grabbing me, all kinds of stuff is happening. It took me about 30 seconds to realize, "oh shit, this is totally fucked", and told the very much naked, fingering herself, Marie, begging for "Sir" to treat her "like the filthy cum slut that Molly was", that this had gotten out of hand.
We reclothed and I basically held her hand as she sobbed and said she was sorry, that she was glad we hadn't done anything, but that she was completely unsatisfied in her relationship and how that she knew about all the great sex me and Molly had because Molly had apparently described it to her in detail (which pissed me off a little, I may be into a certain "lifestyle" but it's my private sex life, whatever).
Then things got *really* weird, the dynamic between us completely changed on the dime, something just took over inside me as I looked deeply into her beautiful eyes, at this woman who I had previously only had a passing sexual desire for but had built this incredibly intimate and dynamic relationship with, and I felt *desired*, *powerful*, and most importantly *accepted*. Not everyone is into what I'm into, and here was this woman whom I cared about deeply standing in front of me, begging for me to do what we both wanted so badly. For some reason, I don't know why, and however foolishly, I decided to push her limits and see just how submissive she was. I put both my hands around her neck, my fingers laced on the back, thumbs under her chin parallel to her larynx, only very lightly applying pressure, and kept looking into her eyes, bringing her face close enough to mine to feel the breath. "How can I look at you", I said, "and say to you that even though you're dating my best friend, someone I admire and adore, that you deserve better." She was ecstatic to say the least, and I could tell she was a little embarrassed about it, I told her to look me in the eye and tell me how long she had wanted me. "Six months". Wow.
I told her whatever happens she needs to respect both I and Joe, that this was not going to happen as things stood and that a hard rain was going to fall, and one day soon. This needed to get resolved, and she had to do it on her own. I was not going to come to her rescue, because that crap never works out. The way I went about it though, it was *highly* sexually charged, and was definitely me in the role of Dom and her the role of sub. After the conversation was done I even told her to clean the plate of food I had been eating, and that I was gong to bed. She replied, "yes, sir", and tried rather sheepishly to run her hand up my thigh to my crotch. Before she reached it, I grabbed her wrist and pulled her close to me, whispering with complete seriousness, "No. Touching. Now I'm going to bed, you deal with this."
So yeah. Now I'm not sure what to do, but damn was that fucking hot.
EDIT: TL;DR - She's my best friends girl, and she wants to be mine. Especially with a collar around her neck.
[deleted]: Kind of fucked up in the worst possible way here.
You could have either stopped her at the first sign of trouble, ie - Kissing.
Or you could have fucked her.
But to get her to the point of fingering herself for you, well you let the relationship dynamic get fucked WITHOUT actually getting your desires met. You got the worst of both worlds. Congratulations.
throwmeaway999991: It was like she was wearing those pants with the snaps on them, they were on and then they weren't!
Either way, I am not a smart man.
[deleted]: Aye, once her panties were off you were at a stage where the die was already cast, if he finds out it went this far, its jenga regardless, and you might as well have given her the fucking she wanted.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409040165 | 1409080023 | t3_2elydl | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being arrested, smelling like weed and searched nice and thoroughly.
JustNilt: Nice cop! Personally, I'm pleased I live in Washington where smelling weed wouldn't be probable cause for a search. :)
Edit: Not that I actually smoke weed, oddly enough.
ltfuzzknuckles: I'd love to live in Washington
JustNilt: So move. It isn't hard to live here in the rural areas. The minimum wage, even before the whole $15 thing, is pretty decent and unless you're in or around Seattle, you can live well enough on it.
doubleturtledickdude: higher minimum wage than anywhere else...
cost of living comparable to idaho/utah
JustNilt: > higher minimum wage than anywhere else...
At $9.30/hr (untipped) it's the highest currently, yeah. No state income tax, either, so it works out better than CA ($9/hr) or Oregon ($9.10/hr). We have sales tax but in rural-ish areas, it's usually only 7% or so. It's 9.5% in Seattle's vicinity but groceries are untaxed, at least. I'd be surprised if anyone could live on minimum wage alone in Seattle itself, unless you've got roommates but in, say, Spokane, Aberdeen, etc, if you can get a job it's not half bad.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1409031373 | 1409068661 | t3_2elpnt | t5_2to41 | 1 | AnnyBananneee: TIFU by Accidentally Flipping off My Uncle
rexxination: How is 70 freaking old? Both my parents are late 60's I'm 21 and my Grandmother is 95 and my Grandfather passed at 98.
AnnyBananneee: No, this has been happening since she was 70. She's mid 80's now.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1409041505 | 1409041925 | t3_2elzi9 | t5_2to41 | 10 | Katana0: TIFU by getting tunnel vision
Several things must be understood about me before the story starts. First, I'm about 5'10"-11" tall. Second, although I'm probably what is considered an extrovert, I get pretty nervous when meeting a certain kind of new people: women that I consider attractive. Bear in mind I'm very picky when it comes to the women I date, and looks alone are not enough to keep me in the game, but it's definitely a good start. The last bit is that I seem to have a few weaknesses when it comes to women: being tall, red hair, and freckles. Not sure why, but my dating history shows a very pronounced trend towards gingers.
To set the scene: it's the first day I've been in college in a year. It is also the first time I've been single in college for at least 3 years. I walk into my first class; an interpersonal communications class, and sit, pondering who I will end up working with in class this semester when none other than one of my best friends of all time walks in (we'll call him Neo). I have a study buddy for the semester! He becomes important later.
During the class, we ended up playing this game where the instructor would have a bunch of students stand up, and we would take turns trying to remember the names of our classmates. If we couldn't remember anyone's name, we had to go introduce ourselves to someone still standing and get their name in the process. So one round, I was called to stand, and watched as everyone who's name I could remember were called one after the other. Then it finally became my turn, and to my displeasure, there are but two of us standing. On the other side of the classroom stood a woman around my height, maybe slightly taller, with the mark of the ginger all about her. Combined with her other features, all together she was not too bad in the least. I did a quick visual sweep of the room and didn't see anyone else standing, so I looked down at Neo (who was sitting in a manner that didn't allow me to get to the aisle) asked him to move, and walked clear across the classroom and introduce myself to this woman, get her name, and introduced her to the class, all while trying not to seem nervous and awkward.
In talking to my friend Neo after class, it was revealed to me that there were in fact **three**, not two standing people in the classroom. And the one that I had missed? A shorter woman who I apparently walked **right past** in order to introduce myself to the tall redheaded woman. As in, definitely passed within a foot of.
Good lord do I feel like an idiot. I also feel bad for the woman I didn't see, because that must've made her feel awful special in the worst kind of way.
Oh well, as they say, so is life!
joelwinsagain: You did the right thing, intentional or not, you very clearly established your interest.
Katana0: I realized that side of it too; that's why I'm not like "OMG I'm never going in that class again", I'm more laughing than anything.
EDIT: I'm pretty sure it's going to be a fun semester.
joelwinsagain: All I'm saying is that anyone who faults you for ignoring the world to go talk to a tall redhead isn't the kind of person you need in your life.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409043606 | 1409077712 | t3_2em191 | t5_2to41 | 395 | DavidTheGSM: TIFU I fucked up when I introduced my wife...to my hooker
Before I tell the story, lets me honest here. We are all human and we have all done things that we regret. In my early 20s I rotten son of a fucking bitch, I already know that. It took 3 marriages to figure that one out.
We all have done things in our life that we aren't proud of...one of my earliest mistakes was a one night standing many years ago...that one night stand resulted in a pregnancy which resulted in my parents and the ladies parents forcing us to get married. Think deep south...many years ago.
Now I could tell you what I think of my ex-wife...but that wouldn't be very polite. So I'll just suffice to say my biggest mistake in life...was marrying her...but the story isn't about that.
Well needless to say after several years of marriage. I was empty, emotionally drained. Then one day I met a woman, a charming lady, a few years younger then me. We basically came to an agreement I provide her financial assistance and she gets my rocks off.
I also was attached to the bottle at time, man did I love myself a nice cold drink. Lucky enough my new lady friend liked the bottle just as much as me. So we partied together, quite often.
Well one evening I'm out with my lady friend, we've had far too many. We decided to hop in the taxi and go over to our place (I had rented a separate apartment out...for my fun activities) but I was broke. Well not broke as in no money just no money on me.
So I instructed the taxi cab driver to go to my house. Which he complied.
Now I don't know what I was thinking, I suspect not very much. So I got out of the cab and walked towards my front door my wife saw me coming she opened the door and gave me her typical mean look. I said
"Sweet buns go do me a favor and pay the cab"
I walked inside, grabbed a beer and sat my ass on my favorite chair...when a moment of drunken clarity hit me...my girl was in the cab, the same cab my wife was about to pay, my eyes got wide and I thought "O shit"
I ran into my room grabbed some more money, and a fresh pair of work clothes and began heading outside when I met my wife at the door.
Honestly...I never knew a human being could turn so red. She was fire engine red, only louder! I can't recall exactly what she said, let your imaginations run wild I'm sure we could get close.
I moved around her, ran to the cab and told the cab driver to take me to my apartment
When my hook said "Did I just meet your wife" I said "Yes...yes you did" she said "I'd rather not do that again" I responded "Thats a good idea"
Needless to say I got divorced, which even though % wise it was one of the most expensive "purchases" i've ever made it was well worth it.
So that was one of my biggest fuck ups ever
My next biggest fuck up was marrying that hooker...guys...don't marry your hooker.
[deleted]: Can't turn a hoe into a housewife.
DavidTheGSM: No...no you can't I spent 6 years trying.
solicitorpenguin: That's the biggest mistake a pimp can make,
marrying one of his hoes
AnonySeeb: A Pimp Named Slick Back
| 5 | 79 | |
1409044820 | 1409060971 | t3_2em29k | t5_2to41 | 159 | DavidTheGSM: TIFU my employee fucked...and used his company ipad to take pictures of his wife
grinreaper07: I believe Reddit needs tofu.
Today Others Fucked Up.
Posts like these would go there.
poopar: /r/tofu already exists... what about /r/ttfu? Today they fucked up.
n0rs: Could just preface posts with TOFU.
> TOFU my employee fucked...and used his company ipad to take pictures of his wife
Mod's'd have to change their filters to allow it though.
Frazzydee: The problem is that you can't under rule 1: "All titles must start with 'TIFU'"
When others fuck up, that rule ends up forcing nonsensical titles.
Why not just do "Today my employee fucked up"? Is it really that big a deal if the titles are not completely standardized?
| 5 | 31.8 | |
1409044436 | 1409047462 | t3_2em1xe | t5_2to41 | 3 | quagzlor: TIFU by fully deleting an important personal spreadsheet from Google Drive
I watch a lot of anime in my free time.
all kinds of series, with different characters, etc. as a result, i made a spreadsheet to carefully document my progress on each anime, along with whether or not i would keep it saved, ratings, so on and so forth.
this covered about a hundred titles.
it took a lot of effort to put it together.
trusting in cloud tech, i saved it all on Google Drive.
today, google drive was acting up.
thinking nothing of it, i tried to clean out some old files which had gotten stuck in there.
it was like there was a veil over my eyes, even as i emptied the trashcan. i was only when i looked at the edits bar, that i noticed that i had deleted my precious spreadsheet along with my other files.
SassanZ: You should use the website myanimelist bro
quagzlor: oh well. i'm making a new spreadsheet now.
color coded too.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409046561 | 1409084541 | t3_2em3o8 | t5_2to41 | 17 | PM_ME_ASIAN_TITS: TIFU By Going to Work
This happened a couple of years ago and it changed everything for me. I was medicated with SSRIs and that would have impaired my judgement quite a bit.
I just got up and it was around 6:00. That would make me late for work. What do people usually do when they are late for work? Rush your ass out the door like the Flash that's what. I grab my keys and left ASAP.
Keep in mind that we drive on the left side of the road here. The weather was frosty and it had been raining occasionally too.
Mistake #1
The exit to my suburb is half way up a very steep hill. It connects to the main road half way through a long sweeping turn that runs down the hill.
On my left is a crest of the hill, it's not very far away, maybe 40m I think (43 freedom yards) but steep enough that it's not possible to see the other side. Down the slope from my intersection there is also a traffic island for pedestrians. And parked cars on the left.
I'm waiting five minutes to make a right turn down the hill when I get impatient. I'm late for work and just want to make the turn. It's also cold as fuck and I've got my warm long coat on today, but it's still cold. So I wait for a small clearing then put the pedal to the metal to make the corner. Knowing that I had made the corner, I reach for a mint in my dash. I had only just noticed but my car was veering to the left so I make a fast correction to steer right. My car spun out. The road was too damp for my tires to keep traction. I managed to slide in the shape of a huge U shape around the bottom of the traffic island, and past an on coming car, ending up facing the top of the hill. Nothing was hit. Everything was okay. Felt very lucky but still needed to get to work.
Continued driving to work through rush hour traffic.
Mistake #2
An hour later. I had just got off the highway and on to a very crowded two lane road. Cars parked left and right, school kids walking around and all. After the earlier mishap, I was making sure to drive safely in the terrible weather conditions. It was rush hour so all the cars were nose to tail, start-stop traffic and everything.
Here I am driving along at 40km/h (25 freedom miles per hour) when an Audi Q7 suddenly stops four cars ahead. It brings a halt to our entire lane. I jumped on my brakes but I wasn't stopping. The car was sliding. The ABS wasn't being magical. The road is too wet and no magical ABS can help me now. I look around to make a snap decision while sliding forward in slow-motion, I can't divert left, too many expensive parked cars are there. I can't divert right. There are innocent kids there. The other lane has a truck coming toward me. It all happened so fast. I decided to just slam into the car ahead of me. Needless to say I was pretty pissed. The Audi brake checked everyone on the main road just to pull into a preschool on the right.
I exchanged insurance details with the car in front of me. They barely had a scratch. Peugeot make nice cars I guess. My front bumper was hanging off and I still wasn't at work. Called my boss and told him I would be late considering what happened. I went ahead and ripped off my bumper and chucked it inside my car. Off to work (again).
Mistake #3
Apart from the obvious cosmetic damage, the car was fully functional. After spending fifteen minutes ripping off the front bumper, I thought I had better hurry my ass off to work again.
I pull up to the top of a hill and waited to make a right turn onto the main road. You can probably see where this is going. I had learned from my earlier lesson so I decided to be a patient driver.
A couple of minutes had passed and it was my time to shine. Both lanes were clear. I looked left and it was clear for miles. I looked right and it was the same. Knowing not to bash the throttle, I tapped the gas with the gentlest motion I could muster. My wheels still lost traction on this steep hill! Guess I took my dearest time making the turn because I looked left to see if it was clear still but It was too late. A brand new Golf GTI smacked into my front left quarter and threw me in a huge spin to the other side of the road.
I thought my day was already bad but I just had my second car accident within 30 minutes of each other. Now my car (which is essential for my work) had missing headlights and a twisted chassis. It was a write off. Now how was I meant to get to work?
Mistake #4
Got a colleague to pick me up and we went to do some work away from our actual work building (where I was meant to be). I knew the roads better than him so it was me that ended up driving (not that I wanted to drive after the last few events). We ended up getting pulled over by the cops for driving a commonly stolen car with some panel damage on the door. Colleague got given tickets for previous driving offenses and verbal warnings for all.
The next day I told my boss I wouldn't be working there anymore. He did offer to help me out with a car though, that was nice of him, but I declined.
The lessons:
Never buy cheap tires, specially LingLong brand.
Don't be taking SSRI medication while driving. The side effects are real. I went cold turkey shortly after this.
Take your time getting to work.
TL;DR: Brain was on ice skates. Car was on ice skates. Got in a ton of trouble because I wanted to make it to work. No longer on drugs. Didn't even make it to work.
[deleted]: Is [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQh56geU0X8) you?
PM_ME_ASIAN_TITS: I love Top Gear! Effectively it is. Except for the fact that I had four wheels and still managed to fuck up.
[deleted]: Well to cheer you up about your FU i thought I'd try to do your username justice, but alas I am at work, so [here](http://images.lmgtfy.com/?q=Asian+Tits) you go instead!
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1409047203 | 1409053605 | t3_2em47t | t5_2to41 | 19 | Jon-Osterman: TIFU by sleeping through a final.
This happened a couple of months ago. I stayed up for 48 hours preparing for my final, and I had two finals that day. The one I was preparing for was at 8 AM. Besides I've been studying pretty hard for the course all quarter.
So I'm done preparing and at 7:15AM I close the book and tell myself I'll take a 5 minute nap before getting ready. I'm pretty confident and I set two alarms. Sleeping at 6-7AM's become quite common for me.
Later I wake up, it's kinda sunny and no one else is in the room. I'm wondering why the two alarms didn't ring, but get down anyway to dress up. Casually look at my phone and FUCK-
-it's 11:45AM. My exam's three hours long, so *poof!* there go my hopes of getting anything close to a C in the course, let along a B+ or an A-.
I go to the professor and the TA later, and unfortunately there's little that can be done. The plus is that my professor knows that I've been doing consistently well on my tests, so he does offer one thing: he can mark my course as incomplete and it can be finished in the next quarter by taking that quarter's final under him.
tl;dr prepared for two days without a gap for my exam, then slept through it
wagatoto: Great professor. Kudos to him.
Jon-Osterman: I know, I thanked my lucky stars to have a person like him as my professor. Thanked him for almost 5 minutes straight.
| 3 | 6.333333 |
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