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1409042004 | 1409089921 | t3_2elzxh | t5_2to41 | 28 | Scarity: Guys, I'm in the middle of a tifu
I'm working with a few colleagues on a quite 'large' framework for a travel agency... now last night I pulled a semi all nighter to fix an important part involving media files and images.
Now, working from home I used my gaming desktop, it beat working on a smaller notebook etc... the problem is though, when testing fileuploads it opened my 'downloads' folder by default. I ended up clicking random pictures here and there to test the upload (to my local app, np), and then deleting them via the built-in site functions.
You can allready see where this is going right.... so I have this younger gf who just loves sending me teaser (and beyond) teaser pics of herself, which end up in my downloads folder...
still np right... except that I was super tired when it eventually all worked, I just alt f4ed out of there, commited and pushed it to our git server and went to bed.
Just arrived at work today, pulled my own work from the main branch and saw my gf in her full glory passing the list of files.
tl;dr put my gf a few times on my companies main git server and now I'm writing this instead of searching how to delete files from old commits
[deleted]: I have no idea what you guys are saying in these comments lol
CreativeWorks: Theres always that guy....
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1409053598 | 1409069965 | t3_2ema79 | t5_2to41 | 14 | GiraffaTron: TIFU by getting caught stealing
Eclectrical: TIFU by ~~getting caught~~ stealing
Fixed your title for you, OP.
doctorish: Worth looking at OP's post history.
Neverknowho: What's wrong with OPs history? Besides the fact that they obviously struggle with depression and maybe we should all give him/her a break
doctorish: Are you the OP with a new account?
Neverknowho: No lol good thought though
doctorish: I call BS.
Why would someone make an account to write such a stupid comment. You are a 21 year old stoner trying for a baby (despite bf not wanting one) who is a thief.
Neverknowho: I am a stoner but I'm also a dude soooo...I also didn't make this account just to write that comment. I made this account as a throwaway to post a story so yeah
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1409054653 | 1409054950 | t3_2embc7 | t5_2to41 | 10 | caring_gentleman: TIFU by going to a party and now gfs family think I beat her
As always, not today but this happened Saturday just gone. So, I head to a BBQ party round my gf's uncles with all of her family and co-workers (her uncles is also her boss) attending for some food and drinks. Her uncle goes all out for his BBQ with a Rodeo Bull and a bouncy castle to keep everyone entertained. Had fun on both, vaguely recall going on bouncy castle and at one point clashing heads mid air with my GF, luckily we had both consumed enough alcohol to be immortal and felt no pain. Fast forward a few hours and many shots later, a few of us decide that getting in the hot tub fully clothed is the best idea so we jump in. I take off my soaking wet shirt only for someone, that I have never even spoken to, to throw my shirt over next door neighbours fence! Obviously disgruntled I tell him to get it back whilst trying, unsuccessfully, to stay calm. GF tells me to calm down, I try but I am still telling this guy to get his ass over the fence and get my shirt back, he doesn't. We all get out of tub and at this point my GF now seems angry with me for not staying calm. I ask her to help me find my jacket and keys so I can get in my house to get changed as I only live around the corner to which she tells me "I'm not your mum, find it yourself".... I am pissed off and very drunk, as is she, so I storm off to break into my house topless and soaked. She had not realised I had left, starts to tell everyone at the party that I have left her there and I am now a disgrace for leaving her there and storming off. After failing to scale my house soaking wet to break in a 2nd floor window, I end up going back to the party to find my GF in tears because I have left her, we argue and eventually go home after people have witnessed us walking off together arguing. Next morning, we wake up with filthy hangovers, say we are sorry to each other and all seems well. She had a big black eye though, presumably from the bouncy castle incident which we have both forgotten and to make matters worse she left her bag at the party. I volunteer to go and collect it, bump into her mum and uncle, they both hate me because 'I left her at the party alone' and then her mum says she has seen the black eye and just stares at me like I am scum, along with uncle and now I assume all of her family and work colleagues all hate me too as she has had to go to work today with a black eye, after they saw us arguing and my getting a little aggressive with the shirt thrower.
tl:dr Gave my GF black eye on bouncy castle then had public argument and now everyone she knows will think I have beaten her in my rage because of a shirt throwing stranger.
Bonesyboy87: Haha well hopefully her family believe the 'I fell into the bouncy castle' story
caring_gentleman: I would certainly make life easier around her family if they do!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409055054 | 1409068589 | t3_2embsz | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally wiping jizz on my stepmom
Okay so i'm a 16 year old boy with an absolutely amazing girlfriend (18), so as you can imagine 90% of our time together is spent fucking; which is fine at my house with my mom because she's always at work etc, etc, which gives us time.
Anyway last week i'm around to my dad's place when I thought I knew that my stepmom was at work so I call my girlfriend and she comes over and before long we're in the bedroom fucking and it's amazing and i'm totally concentrated on the moment, and in the exact same time frame I both came and heard the door open downstairs.
My stepmom wouldn't even let me bring a girl over for dinner let alone fuck one in her house, so I instantly get up and wrap a towel on me quietly explaining what's happening to my Gf, luckily my stepmom walks straight into the garden giving my Gf time to get out. And that's when I fucked up, I walked outside in my towel saying i'd just been for a shower and she comes over to hug me, and as he arms open and I open mine, I look down at my arm and see a smear of sperm glimmering in the sunlight, but I don't clock it as cum until my arm brushes her face and I look in horror at her cheek as my come dangles like a stalagmite of shame. I panicked and just ran upstairs, threw some clothes on, and sprinted to my mum's house.
This is possibly the worst bit - before this my dad rang every day to speak to me and i'd see him at least twice a week, we haven't spoken or met since; still at least I get to tell my friends I came on my stepmom ahaha!
wolfman86: Bullshit
Jabbasocky: Nope just cum
wolfman86: Maybe it was mixed in?????
| 4 | 5 | |
1409056256 | 1409056871 | t3_2emd9j | t5_2to41 | 10 | Ghostexx: TIFU by not having my phone on silent
Saturnalia93: That's fucking hilarious, I'm not gonna lie. I assume you got your phone back at the end of the day, or something to that effect.
Ghostexx: Yes, I retrieved my phone at the end of the day. But he still had that same look on his face!
Saturnalia93: Worth it.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409056228 | 1409099939 | t3_2emd8b | t5_2to41 | 1,043 | joleme: TIFU by trying a new position during sex, possibly NSFW
This may be slightly graphic to some.
So let me preface the story with the fact that I'm a lucky guy for the fact that my wife is one of the (supposedly few?) women that gets off fairly easily. It's nothing for her to have 30-50 orgasms during any form of sexual contact.
That being said I still do my best to make them as large as possible. Over the years I've pretty much learned the cheat code to make her have bigger ones... more or less just up, down, up, down, in, out, in, out, tweak nipples, thrust.... this usually activates her bonus game and she goes crazy and I just hold on to her and keep myself thrust in as much as possible while she spasms and clenches her muscles uncontrollably especially her toes.
Well last night while in that position I decide to bend her in half and thrust and hold in a different direction than normal. She immediately gasped and for a second I thought I had really hurt her. A second later she screaming *in a good way* OMG and making noises I hadn't heard before. I think the dogs are still traumatized by what they heard last night.
So i slowly let her down and we cuddle a bit while she is cooling down and she mentions that her foot hurts. We turn the light on on her left foot has 4 small dots where her toes meet her foot. Strange... but we figure maybe its just a charlie horse or whatever. We lay back down and try to go to sleep and an hour later she wakes me up again and says her foot still hurts. We turn the light on again and her foot is now swollen and the 4 dots are bigger. I try rubbing them a bit but it doesn't seem to help, so she takes some aspirin and goes back to bed.
Well this morning we wake up and her foot is pretty swollen and the bruises are bigger. Apparently she was spasming and clenching her toes so much that she actually sprained 4 toes. Now she is walking with a major limp and has to see the doctor later today.
TLDR: Fucked my wife so hard I turned her into a pirate with a peg leg.
EDIT: My first ever gilded post, thank you very much.
EDIT2: Since a couple people seem to think the number of orgasms is exaggerated I'll clarify. She doesn't have that many every single time, usually it is in the 20-30 range and that is from penetration only. If I stimulate her clit while penetrating then yes she can indeed go 30+. Our sessions also tend to run from 20-40 minutes. She sleeps well afterwards. Also update, she is still limping a little and the foot is still sensitive to the touch but not nearly as bad as we originally feared. She greatly enjoyed reading most of the comments. She almost choked on her soup several times while reading.
EDIT3: Light sprain/strain (i always get the 2 confused* Keep using it, just no heavy activity.
Final edit: I wasn't going to bother with posting this portion but the hell with it.
I'm not quite sure why people get so amazingly vindictive and accusatory when it comes to this subject. Despite multiple posts by others (including women supposedly) some of you continue to claim its "faking it". I'll clarify "any form of sexual contact" to mean penetration, clit stimulation by finger/mouth, anal. So that question can be put to rest.
Yes I'm sure my wife was limping for 2 days and wincing every time she walked just so she could fake orgasm for me. I'm also sure that while having sex for the past 9 years her massive muscle spasms (which can be felt while inside her* are all faked. I'm also sure that she whines and begs almost daily for sex because she just loves "faking multiples" in order to make me happy, knowing full well I don't finish in under 20 minutes. I'm so glad posters have managed to diagnose our relationship and claim to know what my wife is feeling just because they had/have shitty relationships with no honesty and apparently can't get off.
I've also told her repeatedly that sometimes I wish she didn't have such large ones because
A. She gets tired after the big ones and doesn't like to be on top (which can be a nice breather for me)
B. Her legs tighten up so much sometimes she presses her legs forward and we have to stop while the spasm passes. She regularly tells me to keep going buy my god she has legs like steel and pressing against them is exhausting.
I'll go back to having intimate, romantic, fantastic sex with my wife and the negative posters can go back to being annoyed their love life isn't as good.
avaloxy: >It's nothing for her to have 30-50 orgasms during any form of sexual contact.
I'm not sure I believe this
Kingsgirl: Perhaps OP's wife is the sort of woman who has very brief orgasms and a very low refractory period?
I have big sweeping intense ones, I don't know that I could physically handle more than two in like a 5 minute period because they're legitimately exhausting haha :(
avaloxy: Or, like, she doesn't know what an orgasm is? I've never heard of a woman having more than 10 in the same session. I have one and that's it for awhile, though I, too, have very long ones.
Kingsgirl: The fun thing is that until they let us swap bodies, we'll never know! :)
avaloxy: No, you could probably have her masturbate in an fMRI and know for sure. In fact, I'm sure people in this field would be very interested to see if that many consecutive orgasms is possible.
Kingsgirl: Isn't that potentially misleading though? Pigs 'orgasm' for 30+ minutes but they derive no pleasure from it, it's purely a contraction of muscles.
avaloxy: That's an interesting albeit somewhat gross piece of trivia.
I think by observing both the contraction of muscles and activity in the brain it would be possible to conclude whether or not an orgasm (or 50) has occurred.
However, I would be quite happy to try the switching bodies thing if it were possible :P.
Kingsgirl: I wonder if her 'small' orgasms aren't more synonymous with the 'waves' of pleasure most women experience; I've read multiple pieces where the peak of the orgasm was likewise described as the crest of the wave.
Either way it must be nice for those small ripples to be that pleasurable.
TrailRatedRN: I'm with you on that thought. I can come several times in one sitting, but 30-50?! Doesn't seen realistic. Someone's chain is being pulled.
| 10 | 104.3 | |
1409052775 | 1409096688 | t3_2em9dh | t5_2to41 | 523 | [deleted]: TIFU By punching my GF in the boob and cockblocking myself.
#
Spinetablet: Or...
She's been having an affair for a few years now. It wasn't anything serious until last year. Her new man starting to take over her affection. He knows about your millions and plans of rubbing you out, taking the cash and your girl and running into the sunset. The plan was simple. "You just gotta take him out sweetheart. Make it look like an accident."
"I don't know, pumpkin" she woefully replied. "I don't think I got it in me. I couldn't kill no one. Can I just divorce him and get half the cash?"
"Why would would get half when you could get all of it? Trust me sweetness" he said to your girlfriend as he stroked the hair from in front of her eyes. You see it was all simple. Just a house fire or a quick shove at the top of the staircase would do it. Real simple like. But it was easier than that. She'd got the call from the doctor. She'd heard about your dodgy ticker and she went and told her new love straight away. "I got the plan, pumpkin" she gleamed to him as he put down his news paper and donned his cigar. "Don't keep it all to yourself baby, spill the beans!"
"He's got a dodgy heart, see? All I gotta do is give him a surprise jump and his ticker will give out. Easy! It'll be like an accident!" as she spoke, her new lover jumped to his feet. "Baby I love the way you talk business..." he whispered sensually as he strutted over to her. She unbuttoned her rain coat to reveal sexy lingerie. They made passionate love for hours and hours. The best she'd ever had she'd later admit.
After sneaking home, thinking you're out, she hears your gentle snoring. She sneaks in and notices you, sleeping in your arm chair. This is the moment she thinks to herself. "BOO" she screams, as you vault your arm forward and hit her. She falls backwards and looks up at you. "This is it" she thinks. After you apologise profusely, she runs off to the bedroom to call her new love.
"I spooked him Pumpkin, but he didn't clock out! He done something better. He hit me. We can take this to the cops, I'll get everything!" she confessed into the phone to her new lover. He done nothing but smile. "I love you baby" he said.
"I love you too, pumpkin."
Sorry to break the news to you OP.
stolenwatermelon: Dude...
tobobo36: Plot twist, spinetablet is the other man.
Spinetablet: tobobo36, you just got added to the list.
tobobo36: There was a list? List of what?
rob_var: list of sexy motherfuckers!
kragash: You just got taken off the list.
rob_var: it was fun while it lasted :(
kragash: Heck, you're back on it.
rob_var: STOP PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS!!!!
kragash: well there you go again. you need to get your shit together /u/rob_var.
no list for you.
rob_var: well now I didn't want to be on your list anyway!
kragash: Finally you gave up.
rob_var: I have made my own list and you aren't on it
kragash: Well i dont want to be on it.
rob_var: Well good cause I was never considering putting you on it
| 17 | 30.764706 | |
1409056558 | 1409061347 | t3_2emdmq | t5_2to41 | 14 | evilalmia: TIFU by getting vomit on my hooha
I had just finished enjoying a nice enchilada dinner which was stupid on my part because I had not been feeling particularly well that evening.
I got up to go to the bathroom and while I was sitting on the toilet I started coughing pretty hard, next thing I know I puked a TINY little bit on the floor in front of me....
2 wads of toilet paper in my hand, one for wiping and one for cleaning up my mess.... why I was trying to multi-task while I wasn't feeling well is beyond me.
I then proceeded to pick up the SMALL TINY bit of vomit on the floor with one toilet paper, threw the CLEAN one in the toilet and wipe my hooha with the dirty toilet paper.... when the realization of what I had just done sunk in, I literally screamed and almost vomit again.
Needless to say I got into the shower right after that but UGH I still feel gross
[deleted]: RUB IT RIGHT IN YOUR PUSSY
evilalmia: http://imgur.com/XS5LK
SDGrave: I was half expecting a NSFW link.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1409057300 | 1409103731 | t3_2emek7 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by slapping my girlfriend... in front of her mother.
Disclaimer: I'm in a top/bottom relationship. My girlfriend and I practice consentual "punishment," I don't advocate abuse in relationships at all. Just want everyone to know this.
I went to lunch yesterday with my girlfriend and her mother. When we're in public, my girlfriend likes to poke, prod, make jokes, etc. to get under my skin and try to get me to react how I would in private. I don't mind, it's a fun little game for her to play and it doesn't bother me. So the whole time we're out, she's doing her thing, no big deal. Her mother did remark on how patient I am with her, which I thought was a little funny, given the nature of our relationship.
We're out for about two hours, girlfriend bugging the whole time, before we decide to leave. Her mother rode with us because she doesn't like to drive (and is staying with us until tomorrow evening), so we go back to my place . I'd just gotten a copy of Superman: Man of Steel, hadn't seen it yet and I'm a fairly big Superman fan, heard the movie was weird so I didn't touch it 'til now.
Anyway, I inform them both that I'm planning on watching it. I can watch it in my room if they'd like to use the T.V., but they both say they don't mind, "even though Superman *sucks*," according to my girlfriend. Sweet.
Pop the movie in, walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I get it, set it down on my coffee table and do a much needed stretch. It was awesome, one of those times when you stretch for 30ish seconds because it feels so good. Finish stretching, and my glass is in my girlfriend's hand, empty, and she's smiling at me like the brat she is.
Quick thing to note, that's one of the most annoying things in the world to me. I was in the kitchen, I would have gotten you a drink, you jerk. Say something, God.
So I just say "...you drank my drink, what the heck," obviously a bit irritated.
"Yep,' she replies, then pokes me in the stomach. "Nothing you can do about it, either." And the day just sort of all melded together. She'd been bugging me the entire time we we're out, trying to get me to react, and I didn't. Then she called Supes lame, still nothing. Then she drank my friggin drink.
So I grab her by the roots of her hair on the back of her head, say "You are *such* a brat," then **slap**. It wasn't just a tap either, cause she'd just complain and call me a sissy.
Her eyes go wide, and look over to the couch. Fuck. How do I just forget her mother is sitting *right* there?
I'm sure she knew about our lifestyle, but knowing and seeing are two totally different things. If you'd seen the look on her face, you'd think I went on a killing spree at an elementary school or something.
I feel really bad. She sort of just went to the guest room after that, and I haven't spoken to her since. It's keeping me up, I don't dig it.
Edit: some words, because I'm writing this out on my cell phone.
poohspiglet: Wow. You better hope you don't ever do that in public or you're going to have a shit storm of explaining to do. Your girlfriend needs to talk to her mother, not you, because her mother isn't going to listen to a word you say.
As a mother of a young woman, I don't know how I'd feel about it if I saw that happened. Actually, hell yah, I do. You wouldn't have any fingers that were not broken to be able to type this situation here on TIFU. And I'd probably be disappointed in my daughter if she put up with that type of treatment. Even if you two are cool with it, that's honestly how I'd feel, like I didn't teach her right.
SilkTouchm: Rofl, how are you, a mother, going to beat a guy?
poohspiglet: You don't know much about relationships between a mother - or any parent for that matter - and their progeny. Don't ever step between the two or cause harm and not expect to see some superhuman strength. Have you worked around animals at all? Never,ever, get between a mother and her babies. And, I am a woman who has awesome upper body strength. Never assume, dude. Never assume.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1409057137 | 1409063365 | t3_2emec5 | t5_2to41 | 8 | plzbreakmylegs: TIFU by telling my current employer I need leave to go for an interview
SDGrave: Depending on where you work and what you do, telling your employer that you have an interview coming up is **sometimes** a good thing.
Last place I worked offered me a raise to stay and not go to the interview. (I hated the job and am now working a steady 9-6 job with better pay)
plzbreakmylegs: I am in the legal field. I'd say the issue was my approach. I came off as being abrasive, which hinted at the fact that I was not happy with my position. But the fuck up was saying "it is non-negotiable that you grant my leave". I lost my cool. Hate it when I do that.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409060201 | 1409062537 | t3_2emipr | t5_2to41 | 8 | Awkwardasfuk: TIFU by messaging a girl from my university on a dating website
So I was looking around on okcupid and decided to get a specific search on and found a pretty attractive girl who goes to my school. We talked and she gave me her number (I never texted) her but the conversation got pretty sexual we eventually kik"d and I sent her the d pic.. Offered to meet but we never ended up meeting. Fast forward a few months to fall semester, I need an elective to take, turns out its in her major and she's in my class. I missed first week and I feel awkward as shit. Don't know if I should approach her or what. To be honest I've given it the 0 fucks approach.
hank_moo_d: This happens to one guy in a million. Enjoy the opportunity.
Awkwardasfuk: Well I'm pretty sure she hid me on okcupid, so that kind of gives me a red flag impression lol
hank_moo_d: Oh... I dont know how it works though. This OKcupid thing.
| 4 | 2 | |
1409058527 | 1409072354 | t3_2emg9t | t5_2to41 | 24 | arudnoh: TIFU by unleashing my rage at the wrong person.
Date of incident: today at approx 2:30 pm
About the author: 21-year-old
Prologue:
So here's the thing. I'm tired as shit today (the day I did fuck up). The only reason I am is because I was super anxious about starting classes at the local community college while I'm on medical leave from university (long story), and couldn't sleep. I've also been in kind of a bad mood since being stood up on a date with this girl I'm really attracted to. But I digress.
My day had gone pretty well. I had anticipated some inconvenience at my school as I got my student ID, parking pass, etc and had shown up about 2.5 hours before my class started. The wait for my things was practically nonexistent, however, and i woke up early for nothing. I was then forced to meander until my class began. I was brushed off by all other students I tried to talk to and ended up waiting in silence. Finally class happened, and went well! The teacher could barely hear anything I said, but I'm used to that. I went to the car feeling good. Then drove home being surrounded by crazy drivers. My mood darkened again.
The incident:
So I had to pick up my standard fuckton of prescriptions at CVS. As I arrive, two of the prime spots in front were being straddled by a diagonally parked van. Now I, for some reason, have ALWAYS wanted to leave a well deserved note full of vitriol and venom, so I summoned all the creative writing and psychological warfare knowledge I had to write this note: "FUCK YOU /AND/ FUCK YOUR PARKING."
Pleased with myself I carried out my business inside. The I walked out and saw the driver and the driver's family.
....it was a woman dragging her feet and using a walker with a van full of kids, one of which also appeared disabled. Behind the windshield wiper gleamed the screaming white hate-note. Alas, there was no way to retrieve it undetected...so I ran to my car and fled the scene.
I just keep imagining this poor woman laboring to get into the car, noticing the little note, struggling to retrieve it, and trying not to cry in front of her kids as she drove away.
...But the heartless side of me? Its response was only to say she should've parked in the handicap spot.
EDIT: preserved =/= deserved *grumblegrumble phone*
Cylon_Toast: You shouldn't feel bad. If you own a car you should know how to park it, simple as that.
lord_sherlock_holmes: There are some handicap folks that need the extra room to extricate themselves from the vehicle, hence the diagonal parking taking up two spots. Now they should have parked in the handicap spaces as most have that extra room for that, but how do you know that all the handicap spaces weren't being used when they pulled in? It is a CVS, which is known for being a pharmacy, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that all of them could have been filled when they arrived
anon123554: Yesterday i saw a car parked in the middle between 4 handicap spots. (no idea if it had a handicap sticker or not)
[][]
[][] <- in the middle heh
| 4 | 6 | |
1409060721 | 1409106101 | t3_2emjhw | t5_2to41 | 1,412 | throwawayacctforsure: TIFU by having sex with my GF in the "On Call" Room
So my Gf and I are 4th year medical students on the East Coast, and for the first time we happen to have the same schedule at work, and have always wanted to try to hook up at the hospital.
Naturally the best time to do this was late at night while we were working an overnight shift since there would be a chance we'd have downtime, there's way less people around, and we'd actually get a chance to enjoy ourselves.
It's now 1 am and we finally had a chance to get some sleep, aka go find a place where we can do the deed. I thought to myself, what is the quietest, emptiest call room where there likely won't be any people walking around and other members of the hospital staff would definitely not be around. Brilliant idea: the geriatrics floor would definitely be the perfect place, most of these patients slept thru the night and the call room on that floor would be empty.
We quickly made our way there and just like I expected, the call room was empty so we took off our scrubs and put them by the door and started to make the magic happen. About 10 minutes later we heard a knock, and quickly got under the sheets, I panicked, if anyone were to catch us we would be reprimanded and definitely be the laughing stock of everyone we knew.
The door opens, and there's a lady who opens the door, and we quickly got under the sheets in separate beds, pretending to be sleeping, but completely naked. She leaves in less than 10 seconds, and I was like thank god. My gf was chuckling, but then I realized why she left so quickly - she took our scrubs, and every other piece of clothing we left in a pile by the door.
Now she freaked out. THere was definitely no scrubs in the call room and I knew the Stock Room on this floor was 2 hallways down, past a few patient rooms and close to the nurse station. I have to crawl and make sure that no one sees me. Adrenaline had kicked in at this point and I knew we had no options, we had to get back to our floor in 15 minutes or so.
I crawled, butt ass naked, and hoped that no one saw me. I made it down one hallway, but then the second I turned to the other hallway a patient's room was wide open, his face was looking right at me. We were both apalled, and I made the shhhh gesture to him, hoping he wouldn't hit the nurses call button. That old man didn't give a shit, and he hit that button without any mercy. I freaked the fuck out.
An old nurse was making her way around the corner and I knew she saw me, because at that instant she screamed. I made a beeline for the patient's room, put on an extra gown, apologized profusely to both the patient and the nurse and begged them not to tell anyone.
The nurse asked me wtf i was doing, what my name was, etc. I couldn't lie. I told her my gf and I were in the call room, about to sleep, and the cleaning staff took our scrubs. She laughed, and said that this was the first time someone was crawling in the hallway, and next time I should just call them for a fresh set of scrubs instead of scaring patients with my member flying around.
Today was my first day back, since this happened on Sunday and thankfully the patient was gone. I brought a box of pastries and coffee for the nurses station, and that nurse gives me creepy smile everytime I walked by her.
**edit**: so this story definitely made its way around the floor, and the hospital, thankfully the nurse didn't drop any names. We're definitely going to try this again tonight and find an outpatient clinic to finish what we started lol. And FYI for those who aren't in the medical field...scrubs is probably one of the most realistic shows about life in residency and hospital interactions.
cheesyburgercheese: Smart enough to get through medical school.
Smart enough to find most isolated on-call room for sex.
Smart enough to hide under sheets when someone comes into room.
Not smart enough to use said sheets as an emergency toga.
Don't go through life wondering why people think doctors are smart people without a lick of sense.
Edit: reddit gold?! surely it must be a slow day on the internets for **me** to be bestowed gold! Please insert a humble and brief reddit gold acceptance speech here with a witty comment at the end. This makes me more excited than you can know. If I had known the key to gold I would have started insulting medical students years ago!
throwawayacctforsure: In hindsight, it definitely seems like the smart thing to do...*next time*
lastcowboyinthistown: Next time, there will be no next time, i apologise even though i know it's lies.
ItsDazzaz: Mom's spaghetti
rob_var: He's nervous
KatzOfficial: But on the surface he looks calm and ready.
Ransora: To drop bombs
joshjaya1313: But he keeps on forgetting
CreepyShady: what he wrote down
wylin247: the whole crowd goes so loud
joshjaya1313: He opens his mouth but the words won't come out
the_last_gingernut: hes choking..how?
| 13 | 108.615385 | |
1409058457 | 1409071942 | t3_2emg6h | t5_2to41 | 20 | Mike_The_Bear: TIFU by not deleting my browser history before a meeting
So this happened several weeks ago, but since i'm new to reddit, i am only posting it now.
I'm a really cautious guy, i always watch porn on private mode, i've never been caught since i was 15 ( last time my dad found a stach of playboy under my bed, well i was young and stupid ).
For some reason i went to my favorite porn site ( xhamster , remember the name as it is important for the next part of the story ) on normal mode a few month back, without even noticing it. As you can imagine, i didn't visit just the front page, and i ended up with dozens of filthy video in my history ( yes i like to watch a TONE of video in a single jerking session ).
I was doing an internship in programming this summer and had to use my own computer. I work in embedded programming so i'm dealing with memory address quite often. This part is important because an address always starts with 0x since its in hexadecimal.
So here i am one day at work, i was stuck on a problem for quite some time and i thought i should ask my supervisor for help.
He comes over to my desk, we talk about the problem, he tries to find a solution but get stuck just like i did. Then he decides to ask a colleague for help, same result, no solution. Then the CTO ( i work for a start up with 9 employees, so the CTO coming to help is not a big deal ) comes over.
He ask me to look up a memory address on google so i proceed to type the address in the address bar. But for some reason i skipped the 0 of 0x and directly typed x.
I watched in horror as a dozen xhamster pages comes up in the list retrieved from the history. Then i thought to myself, if im quick enough and press back space they will not notice it.
Well sometimes being quick doesn't mean being dexterous, and instead of pressing back space, my brain decided to press enter...
And here i was, the front page of xhamster loaded in my browser, with my internship supervisor, another IT guy and the CTO of the startup focused on my computer screen.
I closed the browser quickly, the page must have been on screen for less than 2 seconds, but i felt WAY longer. Needless to say i was red from embarrassment and started stammering something like > Uhh sorry.. i don't what happened. I'm trully sorry ...>
I opened a new chrome page and typed in the search i was supposed to do. In the mean time, my supervisor and his colleague were laughing their ass off, the CTO had gone back to his office.
We never talked about the incident again, i've cleared my history and i make sure i'm ALWAYS in incognito mode now :)
**TL;DR : i didn't clean my history and porn popped up at work**
justa-bloke: Browsing porn in a normal browser. Not. Even. Once
Mike_The_Bear: Yea i know... but i will NEVER use internet explorer to browse porn , NEVER
honeingin: Who the fuck uses internet explorer
| 4 | 5 | |
1409062186 | 1409068207 | t3_2emlv1 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a picture of my boobs to my crush...
MakeFlowers: Maybe they're not really that nice?
imnoreallyhere: I don't think I've seen boobs that weren't "really that nice". EVER
MakeFlowers: ehhh, they're out there. There are some national geographic ones that you definitely wouldn't want to see every day.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1409060890 | 1410181709 | t3_2emjrw | t5_2to41 | 17 | onestawpshawp: TIFU by having sex in my sleep
So.. I recently moved out of the states, to South Korea. I have met a few woman here, plenty of joe jobs, nothing I'd call a career. Anyway, I started dating a girl very recently, first in over 3 years. Things have been going well till the weekend.
We were late into day 2 of just watching movies, doing unsavory things to each other and drinking. She eventually fell asleep and so did I.
BTW, I am not a heavy sleeper, so what happens next really terrified me. I began to wake up, half asleep, I can feel a rush of energy towards my customary fully torqued youth. But it is different, like my entire soul is in my dangle. It doesn't feel bad, just strong? (I still can't place the feeling). so ya, I started to kiss my newish S/O but I began to feel it even stronger, the soul in my wang thing. Eventually, it began to hurt. I started to feel a horrible pulse through my body. The breathing came suddenly, I couldn't catch my breath, not even a single bit of oxygen was being used by my lunges. I started to shake in pain, even started to tear up.
It did not continue for long before I couldn't help but begin screaming "stop!" (I was even afraid I would wake my neighbors because I was screaming horrifically loud). Yelling several times, the pain wouldn't subside. It literally felt like a dementor giving my man bump mouth-to-mouth.
I began to realize this may be a dream, but god it was awful. I tried to wake my self up a few times but felt powerless.
Ultimately, I summoned all of my strength, begging for the strength of the old gods and the new.
When I though my torment could continue no longer and I was surely going to pass. I finally, miraculously, awoke. Waking up relieved (God damn that sounds so weird to say, because it was anything but), throwing my Bottom B almost off my new King Size sweet ass bed. I was still breathing heavily and it was slowing. She gave me a look of terror (Rogue's face while getting shanked by Wolverine, you know what I mean). She asked me, "whats wrong??". I couldn't even say anything, just sat there with my body shuddering at the thought of what the fuck just happened.
Later, after laying in bed for a good 45 minutes, we started to talk about what happened. I don't remember the details, but basically she said I started kissing her, she started rubbing my freddy and began givin' me a david blowie, I started moaning and pushed her head up (she thought I wanted the sex instead) after she began fugging me for a hot minute, I sat up and and pushed her off without a sound and layed back down.
I didn't tell her what I was feeling, at the time, mainly becuase I felt like I just got man raped. So ya.. there's my weekend story.
echo2112: There is a medically diagnosed disorder called sexsomnia. You can read about it more here. http://www.everydayhealth.com/sleep/what-is-sexsomnia.aspx
onestawpshawp: > and sometimes rape while they are asleep
That's just fucking splendid.
[deleted]: Hahaha my bf does this.. it's cute how touchy he is in his sleep. Except it sometimes backfires when he wakes up both hands covered in blood.
onestawpshawp: This is both disturbing and very, very, close to home.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1409064217 | 1409109407 | t3_2emp8t | t5_2to41 | 108 | UWbadger23: TIFU by personalizing my friend's ringtone
Short and sweet TIFU that happened a few years ago.
My best friend and I spent Friday nights playing Halo and listening to tons of Youtube music videos. Besides Rebecca Black's 'Friday', we frequently visited Epic Rap Battles of History to listen to while we played games.
I managed to find one of my favorite (you'll see in a second) rap battles on a ringtone site and made it the ringtone for when this particular friend called. To us, it was an inside joke and had the best beat.
I always leave my phone on silent, but of course, on this particular school day, I forgot to make sure it was silenced. I was sitting in a smaller engineering class when my friend decided to call me.....
My phone screamed, "I am Adolf Hitler! Commander of 3rd Reich!" right in the middle of the lecture. I fumbled for my phone and managed to silent it somewhat quickly. But not before getting some strange looks.
Show_me_the_boobies: Little known fact, also dope on zee mic!!
UWbadger23: you are Vader, with your little boots and cape
That_Canadian_bro: and helmet to cover up, that burnt-ass face
UWbadger23: You have the force to move objects. I'm a force truly evil!
That_Canadian_bro: even went back in time, and turned you whack in the prequel
UWbadger23: Cause look at you. You aren't even a real person!
elocherIV: I preferred you in Spaceballs, zee Rick Moranis version!
A_Pony: Moms spaghetti
boofheadfred: Goddamnit.
| 10 | 10.8 | |
1409064615 | 1409066841 | t3_2empzy | t5_2to41 | 17 | simondavis92: TIFU by fracturing my pelvis and damaging my balls.
In the land of England, Bicycles are stopped by pulling the brakes in front of the handle bars and gradually coming to a nice controlled stop.
In the land of America, Bicycles are stopped by pushing the pedals backwards. This was my first fuck up.
Living in Germany as an Army kid was pretty fun - there was loads of kids running around playing and had these awesome things called Bobby Cars that sped down hills and would turn and shit.
Anyways. I lived in a cal-de-sac with a fairly steep hill being the only road into it. Being British I was only used to bikes with the brakes on the handlebars and not the American bikes that brake by pushing backwards on the pedals.
So one day i'm out playing in the cal-de-sac and get on my friends bike (She was American) and start riding around. Eventually i get to the top of the hill and turn around and start riding down. I was going pretty fast and it was amazing.... until i couldn't find the brakes. This was the second fuck up.
Me being me and not really a very quick thinker in near death situations, i decided the best way to stop the bike was to aim towards a bench, thinking that i would just hit the bench and the bike would stop. WRONG. On the other side of the bench was a 10 foot ditch between the bench and a house, with a bush of brambles at the bottom. I aim for this bench already shitting myself cos i can't find the brakes and hit it square on. What followed was quite possible the worst pain a man can ever feel. The bench toppled over (obviously... why didnt i think of that before?) and i flew over the handle bars. As i went over i smashed my nuts on the frame of the bike before hitting the house face on and dropping 10 foot into what can only be described as hell on earth in Bramble form.
Sitting in this bush of brambles I couldn't move, blood running from between my legs and some massive gash behind my knee (from which one of these zulu spear type thorns was sticking out of) and my testicles slowly increasing to the size of grapefruits... and no, i'm not exaggerating. My mate comes running down the hill and just looks at me and says "Oooh laa laa" (helpful, cheers) and runs off to get my Mum to get me out of this bush. After 30 minutes of hacking down this bush I was eventually carried out, still unable to move my legs and with my balls the size of a globe and was taken to hospital, where they told me that i had fractured my pelvis. I was more concerned about how ridiculous i looked sat on this hospital bed with an ice pack resting on my balls whilst people with concussions and broken fingers walked past me smirking.
TIFU by riding my bike into a bench, thinking that it would stop me with no harm, fractured my pelvis and managed to increase the size of my balls to grapefruits.
TheRealBobaFett: Most bikes in America have brakes in the front of the handle bars, typically only children's bikes have brakes that you push back on the peddles
plagueofunicorns: Unless it's a beach cruiser. Because, you know, who needs handbrakes?
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1409064946 | 1409119431 | t3_2emqkk | t5_2to41 | 5,051 | hank_moo_d: TIFU by inviting my horny friend to a house party.
Before anything, sorry for my english.
So, friday night, a friend of mine called to tell me that he's alone in the house, and we should invite some people for a house party. Alright, nice! I call some of my friends, including this horny one. Let's call him Joe. I call some girls too, and, by the beggining of the party, there was 7 people: /u/hank_moo_d, **Joe**, **GUY1**, **GUY2**, **GIRL1**, **GIRL2** and **GIRL3**.
We started drinking, and talking, and people just spread around in the house. Some were in the balcony (it was a apartment), some in the bedroom, some in the living room. After a while, i heard a scream, and one of the girls leaves the bedroom, covered only by the bed sheets. wtf!?
Everybody left the apartment, because the mood got heavy.
I was driving home, me and my friend, so i ask him: "Joe, what happened?". Here it goes:
>**Joe**: Yeah... So, i was in the bedroom with **GUY1** and **GIRL1**. We were chatting, no big deal. All of a sudden, **GUY2** enters the room with **GIRL2**. They were hooking up, so the three of us decided to leave the bedroom so they could use it. As we leave, i turned off the lights, and realized the room got pitch black. So, i decided to stay inside, since they wouldn't see me. I closed the door and stayed by the wall. They started heating up on the bed, as i could hear. Given time, your sight starts to get used to the dark. So i could see forms and shapes. I could see them fucking. I started to jacking off. The girl was on four, and basically i was in her eyesight direction, but she did not see me. The guy was fucking her really hard, and i started to jack off even harder, and then... she sees me. She screams, saying *theres somebody there*. So i started apologizing, and turned on the lights. As they see me, and i see them now, in the light, we all turn to another corner of the bedroom: there was **GUY1** there, dick in hand. He started to apologize as well, then she leaves the room screaming."
**TL;DR:** Invited a horny friend to a house party. He sneaked in a bedroom with couple fucking in it. They see him after a while. Then, they realize there was a even more ninja guy in another corner as well.
**The tale of the horny ninjas**
**EDIT:** Since 3 guys were in the bedroom, me and the other 2 girls just thought the Ninja Jerkers were buying cigarretes at the gas station down the street. This all happened in the timeframe of 5 minutes (or less).
**EDIT²:** All the girls were ours friends, so they just laughed about it afterwards. The only new face to them was the second ninja. He was friend of the guy who got ninja-cockblocked.
**EDIT³:** A lot of people are calling it fake. I don't mind, but i'll try to answer some questions people are making.
**1) Didn't GIRL1 notice why she left the bedroom alone?** *I sent her a message about that. She said she went straight to the bathroom. When she left the bathroom, she didn't even think about JOE and GUY1.*
**2) How they didn't notice the second ninja fapper?** *That's the beauty. Nobody knows.*
**3) Who was the host?** *The guy who got ninja-cockblocked.*
dakamaainakid: So two thirds of your guy friends are completely creepy? Time to get some new dudes around you. Before the creepy rubs off. Pun intended.
gtiguy12: He said there was 4 guys at the party, the OP being one of them. There was 1 dude doing the plowing and 2 watching. This means all of the OP's friends are the Horny Ones.
dakamaainakid: Having sex with a girl who also wants to have sex with you does not make you creepy. Hiding in the room and jerking off does. Therefore 2/3 of his male friends are creepy.
leakyconvair: He also stated corner ninja jerker was a friend of the guy who was fucking, but not him. So 1/2 of Op's male friends are creepers.
dakamaainakid: Said in an edit done long after my original comment. Still means OP needs a new set of dude friends. I mean.....half of his friends and all of his friend's friend thought sneaking in and jerking it watching another friend has sex was a good idea. The notion would never have crossed my mind.
leakyconvair: And you expect me to comb through your post history for this information?
dakamaainakid: No. I stated it so you would be aware. But now I'm seriously wondering if you are this paranoid all the time.
leakyconvair: Paranoid? So let me get this straight, you edited a comment that I did not reply to, and I'm paranoid because I can't be assed to go and look at it?
That word, it does not mean what you think it means.
dakamaainakid: No, you ninny! OP posted the information you are alluding to in an edit. He made the edit after I made my comment. I simply informed you because you are obviously not aware that the OP edited his story after I wrote my original comment. All the nonsense you have spouted since has been created in your brain because you don't seem to be able to read for comprehension. Nobody said you should have known. I didn't edit my original comment. That was born from your overactive imagination. Thus your paranoia is kicking into gear because you don't seem to understand what you read.
leakyconvair: #1, don't call me a ninnie you fairy cunt.
#2, said in an edit long after my original comment does not specify who edited, or what was said. Please be clear, concise and accurate in your comments. I cannot be held to a low standard of comprehension due to your failure in clarity.
dakamaainakid: 1. The failure is yours.
2. Own it.
3. Try and be sober the next time so it doesn't keep happening to you.
4. Oooh. Name calling on the internet. The horror.
EDIT: I did it in capitals to be extra clear for you, dopey.
leakyconvair: 1. I have zero issues. You have the problem.
2. Same to ya.
3. Sober as a judge, nothing has happened to me except a stranger on the internet refusing to accept their mistake. In the grand scheme of things, you are a fly that I am swatting off of my arm.
4. Ooooh... if you do not want the name calling to escalate, do not initiate it.
0/10 would not be trolled again. May you live forever.
| 13 | 388.538462 | |
1409067545 | 1409070072 | t3_2emveo | t5_2to41 | 11 | Garwald: TIFU by grabbing the wrong pen
Woohoo! First day of Tuesday classes! Jump out of bed, take a shower, grab my shit, almost forget something to write with; go back and grab a pen. I head off to my hour and a half computer science class.
So I stroll into class early cause I already missed my Monday class in the damn maze of a building. Luckily I find this one. Class starts, finish the syllabus ten minutes into class. Note taking time. Pull out my notebook, pull out my pen. Start taking notes, letters don't appear. Open pen, Pen has no ink. Look around, Can't be asked to ask anyone for a pen. Take notes rest of class by keeping shadows in right spots and smashing pen as hard as I can into notebook.
Professor didn't say a thing.
tl;dr My notes are written in invisible ink, which can only be seen with shadows.
RandomG1rl: Why not ask someone for a pen?
Garwald: First day of classes, talking to people is scary.
RandomG1rl: Perfect opportunity to make a new friend. Everyone needs help sometimes.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1409067254 | 1409092323 | t3_2emuwm | t5_2to41 | 58 | seraph77: TIFU by sharting on my girlfriend's shirt
So me preface this by saying my stomach wasn't in the best condition for the last couple days.
Anyway, I go over to the gf's last night, and she's putting away laundry as I walk in. She leaves a nice white shirt on the dresser though to wear to work that night.
Fast forward 15 mins or so, and we're in her bed with our clothes off. After the deed was finished, we were laying there talking and she makes some content about being glad the laundry's finally done. I told her I wish mine were because the sheets were starting to smell. She replied with "oh, that's because I fart on them all the time". (We are always gross around each other, so this isn't to weird for us).
As I'm getting up for my post-coital pee (still naked) I notice her shirt sitting there and think it would be funny to repay her for that comment. I grab it, put it near my ass, let one rip and throw it at her. It sounded quite juicy, but I didn't think about it. She was laughing at the time, but by the time I got to the bathroom I hear "OMFG Seraph, you are disgusting!!
I finish up, walk in the room, and she wings the shirt at my face (not too friendly/playfully), and knowing from her tone that something was up, I opened up the shirt-ball. I then see all the brown flecks of shit on her shirt...
BoredWI23: did she wear it to work anyways?
seraph77: No, even though it would be quite unnoticeable in the dark bar she works at, she decided against it.
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1409068201 | 1409162133 | t3_2emwjz | t5_2to41 | 232 | Bjtoss: TIFU by injuring my hubby with a morning bj NSFW
I'm on mobile so please excuse formatting errors.
First of some background. My husband is a contractor and our sex life tanks in the summer due to him working 12-14 hour days. We're not in our 20s anymore and it takes a toll... So needless to say, it had been about 2 weeks since we'd had some sexy time.
This morning I woke up feeling especially frisky and not normally enjoying morning sex, I thought hubby would jump at the chance. Commence seduction mode. I begin kissing and rubbing my naked body against him. It's his day to "sleep in" and his alarm hasn't gone off yet so he's mildly annoyed. I start laying it on thick, using science (orgasm releases oxytocin and endorphins), guilt (it's been sooo long *pout*), pride (how many guys wish their wives would have morning sexy time), the whole nine yards. He was having none of it. His dick on the other hand was all for it. I decided to start off with a nice bj. That way he could reciprocate during the refractory period and then we could really go at it.
All of this led up to the fuck up. The grand finale arrives and I hear the sound of orgasmic extasy. Something is wrong and the sound becomes one of agony. In my surprise his cock pops out of my mouth and he shoots cum right in my eye and all over my hair. All of that pent up sexual tension paired with the physical toll his most recent job led to his back going out. We are sitting at the chiropractor right now and not looking forward to explaining the nature of the injury.
Trixeater: I guess you "blew" your chance.
jerbaws: hey, it was still a good job lol
Trixeater: Well any job is a good job
jerbaws: Sorry I meant to say it was still a good "job"
TheWin420: You blew his back out, must be a hard situation to swallow.
| 6 | 38.666667 | |
1409068786 | 1409109443 | t3_2emxnd | t5_2to41 | 35 | lonelynights: TIFU by having my kitten chase my hand under the sheets, and then scratching my nuts
... kitten decided to pounce there too.
midnyght219: Welcome to having a cat. My fiance does this weekly.
[deleted]: >My fiance does this weekly.
You should train him better. Use a squirt bottle.
midnyght219: Since he does it to himself you would think he was getting enough punishment for it... But our cats are too cute!
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1409068674 | 1409069910 | t3_2emxfx | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling asleep on the train and missing my city.
When I first joined the Army, I got stationed in Germany. Awesome country for a young single American soldier. I had more one night stands than I could count on my fingers and toes in my first year there. I even had a couple of girlfriends. Hardly any of the soldiers stationed in Germany bothered with buying cars because the public transportation and trains could get you pretty much anywhere you wanted to go.
So, I'm visiting one of my kinda girlfriends, and she lives in the next city over, which is a 30 minute drive/45 minute train ride away. She's an alright girl, except for the fact she drinks way too much. Her father was a soldier, her mother a German. She was raised in America, but moved back to Germany when her father passed away. It's Sunday night, getting kinda late, and the last train back to the city where I'm stationed leaves at 10:50 PM. She's not in the mode to fuck, so I'm like, fine, I'm leaving. I start my walk back to the train station, when she texts me to come back, she wants to fuck now. I look at my watch, and it's 10:10 PM. I make an on the spot judgement call. I can run back upstairs to her apartment, fuck this chick real quick, and then run back to the train station and catch the train. I go back to her place, beat guts, throw on my cloths, and look at my watch. Oh shit! It's fucking 10:45! I run as fast as I can to the train station, only to find out my train has already left. Fuck me. I'm not going back to her place since I just busted out of there without even saying goodbye. I'll just set an alarm on my watch and nap here, catching the morning train.
Now, I've done this before. The morning train gets here at about 5:05 AM, gets to my city at 5:50AM, and the barracks are about 3 miles from the train station, so I'll run the whole way there, get changed, and be in formation for physical training at 6:30 AM. I've done this at least twice before, it's no big deal. I get on the morning train, and I don't even notice myself falling asleep. I wake up as the train comes to a stop. I look at my watch and it's 10:00 in the morning... holy fucking shit! My heart drops. Pause.
A little more backstory. This was before the Iraq war started, so being in the infantry was ALL about discipline. We had to get hair cuts once a week. Our uniforms had to be perfectly ironed. Our boots had to be spit shined when we showed up to work on Monday. We were the infantry, so our leaders held us to a higher standard than other soldiers. If you fucked up, your supervisor would fuck you up for hours, he would stay after everyone else was released just to fuck you up even more so that you knew better than to fuck up again. We had formations at least three times a day. Physical training formation, morning formation where the daily tasks would be put out, sometimes a formation after lunch to see if all tasks had been completed, and then end of day formation. You did not miss a formation unless you had a note from the aid station saying you were on bed rest or something.
Play. I fucked up. I knew it. I was going to get fucked up hardcore. I missed two formations. Physical violence was the nature of our jobs, so it's not uncommon to get choked out or something in the infantry. I get off the train and check my phone...... no missed calls and no texts.... This is odd, but I'm still panicking. I call my buddy, Jimmy, "Hey, Jimmy, did anyone call me out of ranks(report that I wasn't in formation) this morning?"
"You weren't in formation this morning?"
*click* I hung up on him. Ok, so maybe no one noticed I didn't show up. I check the train schedule, I'm so far away, and the quickest way back is to take two trains. I make it back to my city at around 12:30. Lucky for me, there's a taxi already there. I get back to the barracks and as I'm walking towards the building I notice that I'm the only one in civilian cloths. Fuck. I ninja my way to my room on the third floor without anyone in my platoon seeing me. I get in my room and my roommate gives me a funny look, "Why are you in civis?" He didn't even notice I wasn't there this morning. He figured I woke up and went down to formation before him. So I got changed, no after lunch formation, and went down to the motor pool where the rest of my squad was doing maintenance on our vehicles.... Not a damn one of them asked where I was that morning. I was missing for half a day, and no one fucking noticed. I mean, it was good because I'd seen someone get demoted over shit like that, but still, I just couldn't believe I went that unnoticed.
The girlfriend, I quit talking to a couple weeks later. She was fun to go out with and fun to fuck and all, but one weekend I show up to go out with her, and the first thing she wants to do is get drunk. I'm like, we've never hung out and not drank, do you think we could do something that doesn't involve drinking? She gave me this "are you fucking crazy?" look like she was disgusted with me for even suggesting that. We went out, got smashed, fucked, then that was the last I ever saw of her.
[deleted]: This doesn't really sound like a FU. I mean dangerous and stupid but you got away with it fine.
jova33: Well it was a FU, but I didn't get caught.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409069793 | 1409082429 | t3_2emzhw | t5_2to41 | 42 | Neverknowho: TIFU by sending my nude pics to my co worker
My girlfriend is spending the week out of town and last night we were texting each other before bed and things started to heat up. She asked me to send her a pic of my dong so I take one via snapchat. I clicked her name(or so I thought) and got send. Turns out I accidentally clicked my co workers name. I sent an apology text explaining myself but no reply. This is going to be one awkward day at work
[deleted]: LOL - don't snapchat with co-workers.... Keep those two worlds VERY separate...
Neverknowho: Well she's also a friend outside if work
[deleted]: I think a heartfelt apology and explanation should do fine...
Hopefully you let the girlfriend know so she doesn't find out through a 'third party' that this happened... You did it is bad, you hid it from her is infinitely worse...
Neverknowho: Ohh I told her right away and we had a good laugh about it. It was a complete accident so she's not mad
domlang: She must have liked what she saw.
| 6 | 7 | |
1409068834 | 1409161889 | t3_2emxqv | t5_2to41 | 313 | [deleted]: TIFU by unknowingly sending out signals in gay morse code
With school starting up soon, my college swim thread has been getting more active and my teammates recently reminded me of this gem. Just to be clear, this is one of those TIFU that actually happened a few years ago and its pretty long but has a good payout so strap in.
As many people know, swimming is a sport with a decent gay populace (not that there is anything wrong with that). Its not quite as intense as diving, gymnastics, or figure skating but its up there. Something about fit hairless dudes, skimpy clothing, and water seems to attract attention from the gay community. Go figure. Anyways, I came into college as one of the top freshman fly recruits in my league. Season progressed fine and I got a girlfriend on the team. I was lightly hazed, as all college sports freshmen are, but nothing exciting happened until the very end of season.
The final meet in swim is the most important part of the season. Every team spends a month or more preparing for the meet by "tapering." Then they all come together for a three day meet where each swimmer shaves down and races their fastest. A logical human would assume that bringing multiple replacement pieces of equipment items would be a good move, but being a dumb freshman I only brought one pair of goggles to said meet. This is where the trouble began.
On the very first day, I hopped in the water for some warm up before the meet. There I am enjoying that tingly sensation you get all over your body when you shave right before swimming when all of a sudden *SNAP!!* My googles simply fall off my face into the water. I pull myself up to the wall and look at the now useless pair. The clip on the eye socket that connects up to the nose bridge has come apart. These things are done. So I hop up and start heading back to the bench. While I'm walking over, dreading what my coach is gonna say/make me do for neglecting to bring a back up pair, my girlfriend who was in the stands waves me to come over. We chat for a second and as I complain about my goggles she rummages in her bag for a second and just whips out a pair. Apparently she brought all her swim stuff with her cause she was planning on getting some lapps in after the guys session had ended. The googles are bright pink but I'm thrilled to have something. I try them on and they fit perfectly! Like honestly, sweeds are torture devices next to vanquishers. These things felt great!
Back to the story. I hop back in the water and finish my warm up. While I'm at the wall between my sets though this guy from a rival school strikes up a conversation with me. He seems like a friendly guy and so we hit it off. After warmup we head back to our respective benches, but throughout the meet he keeps seeking me out to chat. He's a nice guy so I think nothing of it and when he asked me for my number I figured he was just very outgoing. Then it started getting weird.
The first sign was when my older teammates started asking me about my new friend and subtly joking around with me. Then the guy, I'll call him Paul, started texting me non-stop. Paul kept trying to meet up with me after sessions, in the locker room during sessions, and he was always coming up to my team's bench to shoot the shit with me. It was weirding me out a bit. Later on, I'm back in my hotel room and I get into a text convo with Paul. It goes a little something like this:
Paul: "Why are you avoiding me? Are you toying withe me?"
Me: "I'm sorry dude, I barely have time to do anything at this meet. I haven't even been able to hang with my girlfriend this whole time."
No response for a while.
Paul: "Are you closeted?"
Me: "I'm confused."
Paul: "I understand, I was pretty confused too at first. It takes time, I don't mean to rush you to do anything you don't want to."
Now I'm starting to catch on. I immediately send him a message back saying that I'm sorry I gave him the wrong impression but I'm straight. This is a total mix up. yada yada. He gets *really* *really* pissed and sends me this rant about how I shouldn't lead people on and how terrible a person I am. I'm super confused now. I had no idea I put out a gay vibe. And then he starts talking about the **pink goggles**.
Apparently its an international sign for gay swimmers to subtly identify each other at meets and hook up. I, a dumb freshman, obviously had no idea. I go to ask the senior guy in my room if he knew about this and he just bursts out laughing. He says all the older guys did but they just wanted to see how things would play out. So now the whole swim team is cracking jokes. Even my coach is getting in on it. Meanwhile I've still gotta race and see this guy for another day.
Paul sends me some texts apologizing for his freak out and asks if we can be friends. I say sure. When we get back to the pool all my teammates and Paul's are eyeing Paul and me which is not comfortable for either of us. I'm so embarrassed about this whole thing I can't even bring myself to look at my girlfriend in the crowd. The best part came when I was going up for my final event the evening of the last day. I am about to hop up on the blocks for the 100 freestyle. Paul is faster than me so he is in the heat behind me two lanes over, but he comes up to me right before I get on the blocks and whispers "Good luck, babe" in my ear while giving me a firm spank. But not just a spank. He kinda cupped my ass and his hand lingered a little to long. It was so uncomfortable. My whole team bursts out laughing. I'm so miserable and on top of all that both my parents and my girlfriend are in the crowd watching. I was so frazzled I had one of the worst races/meets of my life and now I am know as the team tease.
TLDR: Wore pink goggles at a swim meet and accidentally seduced a gay swimmer.
EDIT: This is a bit of victory and defeat all in one. My highest scoring post (this one) is on my throwaway account! Also happy to entertain you guys. I've got two more years in this league so I'll let you know if any other fun stories come out of the sport.
eurick: Fwiw I'm gay and I didn't even know there was a gay morse code. Cupping one's ass, though, is a bit easier to read.
[deleted]: I guess were all in this learning process together. Maybe morse code isn't the best analogy for it though. As for the ass bit, I'm pretty sure he was just tagging me back for putting him in an uncomfortable spot earlier. The things you learn.
0xdeadf001: You didn't fuck up. The gay dude is just an asshole.
Gay people do not have exclusive rights over pink stuff and rainbows.
TheWin420: Excactly, I'm a straight 24 year old man, and I own a pink DS.
| 5 | 62.6 | |
1409070385 | 1409074677 | t3_2en0m1 | t5_2to41 | 18 | g3jentSnake: TIFU by telling a girl she is beautiful when i take off my glasses
Ok first some things to get you up to speed. I wear glasses (but i think you guessed that already) caz i am shortsighted ( -4.00 in both eyes) and when i take them off everything is blurry including human faces. And because of this effect all ppl i know have 2 faces for me one with glasses and one blurry and they can be a bit different.
And now for a real thing. I meet this girl and we kinda become friends who flirt and hang out together. And today we where walking together in the park and she asked me do i think she is pretty. And i sad yea you are and if i take off my glasses you are beautiful. And that is my fuck up poor girl girl thought i am making fun of her... She was visibly hurt and dint almost say a word for next 5 min and then told me she needs to go home. Now i texsted her to explain everything but no answer for 2 hours.
TLDR: I have bad eyes most and see ppl very differently with glasses on and off so i told a girl she was beautiful when i take off my glasses she got very offended.
[deleted]: my girlfriend told me she needs makeup, i said just get me beer; it works the same
Cats_with_lasers: That's some quality insanity wolf shit there.
| 3 | 6 | |
1409071371 | 1409076477 | t3_2en2dn | t5_2to41 | 19 | massacre167: TIFU by wearing a white shirt
Okay just felt like this story belonged here.
So I have a fuck ton of shirts and I just usually pick one out at wear it the whole day. So I took a nice white shirt and wore that since it was hot outside. So the shirt is a little tight and a bit old, but I thought nothing of it. Though out the whole day I get strange looks from my teachers and other students. So after thinking something was on my face I went to the restroom to see the problem. I look at the mirror and all I see are my big red nipple and chest hair showing though my shirt. I have no other things to wear at school. So for the rest of the day I walk around with my backpack on backwards on my vest looking like a dumbass until I get home. Now everyone calls my nipple the 8th and 9th wonder of the world.
canada_mike: pics or GTFO
massacre167: Big man titties
canada_mike: I SAID PICS OR GTFO
massacre167: No u
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1409071457 | 1409078694 | t3_2en2j8 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by harassing Amish people.
I get angry easily. Today, I drove past an Amish village, and I was so offended. I mean, they're indoctrinating little kids by saying technology is evil! They also think vaccines cause autism. So I got out of my car and pointed and laughed at all of them.
"Ha ha! You guys don't have iPhones!" I shouted, and they looked pretty annoyed. I took offense at their reaction, because **they're** the ones not fighting against government surveillance and SOPA/PIPA. So, I got into my car, turned on the radio, and just BLASTED autotune music and made them all dance to it. But they didn't want to, so I pulled a bunch of mirrors out of my trunk and made them look at their own reflections.
"Now, Amish people, dance to Kanye West or I'll keep making you guys look at your reflections some more!" So they started dancing to Kanye West. After that, I pulled out my laptop, and made on of the kids play Watch_Dogs, and I made him enjoy it.
I got back in my car and left the mirrors there so they'll stop being amish.
Kasianic: What have Amish people done to make you so angry?
They make some awesome furniture and homemade food, tho. Can't be angry at that.
yulevanlustria: Fairly certain he's trolling.
Kasianic: I think you're right.
| 4 | 1 | |
1409069821 | 1409096817 | t3_2emzjn | t5_2to41 | 6 | rob_var: TIFU by pissing off my boss by turning down his offer
This TIFU just happened 30 minutes ago but starts off in June. It's not your typical post either as I will not be defecating, getting lucky, or puking my lungs out.
Back to the story, I started an internship this summer, its the last thing I need to graduate. (Yes I know I should have done it sooner but I work in the summer to pay a portion of my tuition)
Anyways I started my internship and I arrived here ready to learn the ropes of the business. I was excited too as it wasn't your typical internship. I am working in a promising field of construction. I meet my coworkers who are all great people and my boss. At first my boss was a cool guy in the sense that he joked around a lot. My coworkers however hated him and for good reason. I was put on a small project and that was all that was planned for me. It wasn't until mid internship that I started getting asked to do more complex stuff but with no training and limited deadlines. So here goes rob_var racing to meet impossible deadlines and figuring out how to use software in 1 day. I always seemed to make it by the hair on my chin. My boss was impressed that I could do this without training and decides to take me out to lunch one day and ask me about what my goals for my career are. At the time I had no idea his intentions I just thought it was casual talk during lunch so I tell him that I want to move back home and work as a project manager. He says well there is more opportunities here in Wakanda (I hope they make a black panther movie seriously!) I said," Yeah I know, but I miss my family and I'm expecting to move in with my gf." We left it at that and the next day he calls me to his boss's office. First thought shit! what did I do. I'm fired I know it. They start asking about my career plans and again I tell them I want to try being a PM before settling in my current position. They apparently want to offer me a full time job after I graduate but not if I am planning to go home. I tell them thank you politely and say I just don't see myself stuck in an office setting 40 hours a week. My boss interrupts and says we do more stuff than software. We have job site visits (I've been to 1 my entire internship and I was off the project the next day because of budget issues)
I immediately regret saying this because I can see that his face has gone from happy to stare of death. His boss tells me that he will talk to one of the guys in charge of projects and see if they have something for me (yeah right) I walk back to my office and from then on. It turned into a week of absolutely no direct conversations with me. My boss emailed me anything he had to say to me, his office is right next to mine and its within maybe 10 steps from my desk to his. After that my project loads seemed to get higher with just vague instructions. Then they stopped all at once I went from 3 projects to 0, just sitting around 8 hours a day on reddit. Now 3 weeks before the end of my internship he is somewhat talking to me again but he just gave me a project that normally would take someone about 1 to 1 1/2 months. I have two weeks to complete it and then 1 week to revise it. I also have one of my old projects to close out and I have to install a certain software package on people's computer.
tldr: Got an internship, was great at my job with no experience, got job offer, turned it down, now boss hates me and will make last few weeks hell
PIRATEghost85: Your boss probably feels like he stuck his neck out with you with his own boss and you made him look like a fool. Not your fault, just an explanation for how he must feel.
I understand that you want to go home and all but in this economy it would be foolish to pass on a good job simply because of location. Just my 2c.
rob_var: I told him before the sit down of my plans so why do it? and yeah I know what you are saying about economy but you can get stuck in the wrong job if you aren't careful. My coworkers want out badly but they can't just yet I just don't want to end up like them. Also the company does work back home so I just need to talk to the right people inside the company
| 3 | 2 | |
1409071632 | 1409078294 | t3_2en2v1 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by not enrolling in college.
I'm 18 years old, fresh out of high school, graduated a valedictorian, and I have been putting off enrolling for college all summer now. I have not done so for many reasons, the primary one being that I am a lazy coward. I did not get accepted into any of the ivy league universities I applied for, however I was accepted into a reputable university in state and have made plans to attend. School for this university started last Monday. I have lied to my family and all of my friends, all of whom believe I am currently taking classes on campus. I even have a made-up schedule that I will tell my parents about when they ask. I moved into campus housing on the move in day two weeks ago, and I spend large portions of the day outside my dorm so that roommate will not be suspicious of me not going to class. Everyday past the beginning of school I have repeatedly told myself to go talk to my enrollment adviser so that I can enroll. And everyday, I am unable to build up the courage to go enroll. I'm not quite sure why I'm so deathly afraid of enrolling in college. Maybe it's fear of failure- I have never really failed in my life, until I did not get accepted into my dream University. Or maybe it's the fear of growing up- having real responsibilities and consequences. I just feel so vulnerable, having had my entire high school career wasted on what I feel to be a tier two university.
So today, my dad, wanting to pay this month's tuition, logged into my university account. He saw that I was not enrolled in any classes. He called the university asking them if it was a mistake. It, of course, is not. They informed him that I was not enrolled, and I was in fact about to be kicked off campus, since I was not enrolled. (This was something I was not aware of). They also informed him that deadline for enrollment was last Friday. (Again, I was not aware of this). He called me, confronting me about all of this. I lied to him as I've grown so accustomed to doing, but he did not buy it, and so he has decided to drive up to campus with my mom to fix the situation. He is on his way as I am writing this, he should be here in roughly 1 and a half hours.
Despite the possibility of me not being able to attend university at all this semester, I am strangely at peace. I am more calm than I have been for weeks. My parents are amazing, and although they will be infuriated with me, I am glad I no longer have to lie to them. I don't know how it got this far. I never sought help from any of my friends or family. It was just too embarrassing. I am 18 years old. I am a god damn adult. I shouldn't be so afraid of something as trivial as enrolling into college, but I am. I will post an update later today, as to whether or not I was able to enroll. Wish me luck.
TLDR: Didn't ever enroll. Am currently living in campus housing pretending to go to class everyday. May get kicked out. Am pathetic coward.
goood4m: Sounds like an episode of fresh prince or something.
domesticadventures: Even Will was to smart to do this!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409065511 | 1409087534 | t3_2emrn2 | t5_2to41 | 22 | muxtaiter: TIFU by drinking bird poo
So I'm sitting in the patio of our summer resort house redditting away on my laptop with a cup of cappuccino in my hand. Halfway through the cup, I could've sworn I noticed something fly down out of the corner of my eye, but I figure it might just be my eye playing tricks on me or a fly or something. A few seconds later, I see this darker-colored clot in the foam. Assuming it's just undissolved powdered, I drink away. I did notice it's slightly saltier than what cappuccino should taste like, but I didn't really care. A few minutes later, I look down and I see this puddle of bird poo on the side of the laptop, right above where the power chord goes in, and right by where I was holding my cup.... I put two and two together and...yea...
idk if this is considered "Today I Fucked Up" or "Today I got fucked up" but I couldn't think of a better /r/ to post this.
evolutionary_scrotum: [Dude.] (http://i.imgur.com/OLQoBRW.gif?1)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/BouncyReadyHagfish](http://gfycat.com/BouncyReadyHagfish)
---
^(GIF size: 1.78 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:206.05 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1409073931 | 1409117700 | t3_2en7cv | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk.
patronous77: thats a great idea to free myself :P thanks bud !
aegir55: I wouldn't recommend it, but if you do it please share the story.
patronous77: :P yeah bro !
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409075475 | 1409077583 | t3_2enaar | t5_2to41 | 9 | FerretFarm: TIFU by getting physical with a cop, in Egypt…. and then some
878lettuces: So much suspense...
surragat: I've waited 10 minutes, my suspense is wearing away.
FerretFarm: @ work, typing as fast as I can, bear with me!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1409076254 | 1409082241 | t3_2enbtq | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my teacher about her sex life...
This happened to me two years ago. I was a senior in high school and I was a blunt son of a bitch.
My senior year I was taking A.P. and D.C. classes and I had a very good looking environmental science teacher who recently got married. She was always in a good mood and cheerful to teach.
One day I walk in to class and I see her in a very bitch mood and I go up yo her and I say "So Mrs, how's your sex life going"?
Needles to say I got a death stare from her and the whole class. She angrily told me to mind my own fucken business and sit the fuck down.
I couldn't look at her in the eyes after that...
Adrian_Eden: Guess she didn't have that much of a sex life....
SJHammer: Or her husband's sex life was busier than her's.....
| 3 | 1 | |
1409078038 | 1409112996 | t3_2enf7t | t5_2to41 | 138 | SalmonFisherman: TIFU by not calling the local police station before I fired shots at my high school.
Actually, it wasn't today. But 3 years ago. But I'll make this short and to the point.
Ok so I was a student at an agriculture and forestry high scool in Norway and we have horses, which we train. As a part of the horses' training, we must try to make them used to gun shots so they don't get scared and take off when someone is shooting. So we use rifles to fire live ammo nearby the horses nearby the school as often we have time to do it.
Usually, we use to call the local police/sheriff (call it what you want) office and notify them about that we're going to fire live rounds near the school so they don't think some maniac is targeting the students.
One day I had the responsibility of this activity and I did one big mistake. I FORGOT to call the police office before we started to shoot... So there we were standing, shooting, when two police vans appeared beside us where 8 masked guys with MP5's jumped out and screamed at us to put the rifles down and get down on the fuckings ground which was full of horse shit at that certain spot.
They cuffed us with cable ties but realeased us shortly after when we sorted out the misunderstanding.
Apprently an old lady who had just moved in to an apartment nearby called the cops when she heard the shots and thought it was terrorists at the high school. And since I hadn't called the cops before we began shooting, they assumed it could be terrorists.
Cashcheckum: shoot guns at school, live rounds, train horses?! hell yea! Murica! Oh, Norway...*okay*
Brick79411: We can't have guns anywhere near schools in 'Merica, much less the ammo.
[deleted]: Well, you *can*, which has been the problem.
Brick79411: Can, as in just bring them anyway?
| 5 | 27.6 | |
1409077690 | 1409167243 | t3_2enekl | t5_2to41 | 3 | TForestR: TIFU by telling my stalker off...
thatryanguy82: You never met her in person, but you were texting with her and had her as a friend on facebook?
TForestR: No, I've met her. The extent of our only conversation was: "Hi", with my "Hi" in response. So she requested me on FB and I thought: "Why not?", asked for my number... why not?... Found out she was a creep... blocked...
thatryanguy82: Fair enough, that makes sense then
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409079250 | 1409921701 | t3_2enhhx | t5_2to41 | 1,610 | mysteryboob: TIFU by having huge boobs
TIFU by having huge boobs.
I have some big ol' titties.
I definitely consider them more of a curse than a blessing. It's a total pain in the backside to find bras that fit me right, let alone shirts and dresses: everything else about my body is a UK size 10; my boobs refuse to squeeze into anything smaller than a 18. This means I usually opt for a clothing size somewhere in between, and stick to stretchy fabrics so that I can breathe, and avoid the dreaded boob-shelf effect that comes with tight, stiff clothes.
The day I fucked up I was on my way home from a weekend in London with friends. I was wearing a full length, grey, stretch jersey dress, that showed a lot of cleavage (honestly, it's difficult to avoid having the puppies on show without looking like I've got footballs stuffed down my top). I was wearing one of my slightly shittier bras that day, one that has a tendency to cause the occasional nip slip, as the cups are a bit too small. I'm a lazy sod and this was the only clean bra I had left in my wardrobe before I'd left for the weekend.
I was walking quite happily to the train station, ready to catch my 5:30 train. I checked my phone: it said the time was 5:05. Sweet, enough time to grab a some shitty fast food before I got on the train. I carried on ambling along the road, in no particular hurry, until I spotted a clock on the side of a building: the time was now apparently 5:25. Shit.
Assuming that my phone had the time wrong, I started sprinting towards the station, desperate not to miss my train.
Now, I run a lot, for which I always wear the most heavy duty sports bra known to man. Today, unfortunately, my sizeable chesticles were not adequately strapped down, and they began to swing wildly as my feet hit the pavement.
I'm a bit heavy footed when I run, and I'm not exactly slow, so my tits were going pretty crazy. I was too panicked about missing my train to pay much attention. In fact, in my rush, I also failed to notice that they had manage to completely escape my crappy bra.
Free from their pink, lacy prison, the boob flailing was starting to have another effect: the top of my dress was starting to ride down. Thoughts of paying for full price train tickets swimming through my head, I hadn't noticed that the tops of my areolas were now peeking from above the hem of the dress.
Still going full pelt, my breasts clearly decided they were too hot from all the running, and needed of some fresh air. They burst from the top of my dress, spilling over the collar, free to swing even more pendulously as I sprinted down the pavement.
I proudly crossed the threshold of the train station, still whizzing along, boobs still a'swingin', looking up at the noticeboards for my platform, only to see that my train's platform hadn't been announced.
In fact, my train wasn't for another 15 minutes. My phone wasn't wrong, the giant clock was. I stopped running.
And that was when I noticed the staring. Following the gazes of London's confused commuters down, I was greeted with the sight of my naked chest dangling before me.
I've treated myself to several lovely heavy duty bras since. But no lingerie could hope to end my eternal cringing when I think back to the day my boobs decided to pop out and say "Hello!" to the citizens of London.
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: Take comfort in the fact that someone on that train was having a crappy day and you completely turned that around.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Any luck on this thread? These threads are exactly where you should be posting for optimal results.
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: Haha, no. I honestly don't expect anything from it. I wanted more of a play around account. I was browsing a thread and noticed another "pm_me_your_____" account names that made me laugh. I picked the most random one I could think of.
PM_TIT_PICS: When everyone has a novelty account, no one does.
PmButtPics4ADrawing: Mine was different though. 53 pics so far.
PM_TIT_PICS: Actually not that different. I've seen multiple ones like you.
PmButtPics4ADrawing: How old were they? I've had a few people tell me they would make accounts like mine.
doctordilaulau: For a drawing eh? Just any old drawing or an authentic artist rendering of my delightful derrière?? This is important!
pm_me_for_happiness: What a combo breaker man...
doctordilaulau: Oh crap, I didn't even see the emerging beauty of the thread and its usernames! What have I doooooooneeeee??
[deleted]: Ah, the old [novelty-account-pm-me-your-private-parts-aroo!!](http://www.reddit.com/r/Cricket/comments/2epfbf/wheres_the_aus_v_sa_match_thread/ck1sts8?context=3)
touchmeenot: Hold my novelty accounts! I'm going in!
| 13 | 123.846154 | |
1409079656 | 1409081607 | t3_2eniac | t5_2to41 | 4 | vegasno: tifu- i'm innocent!!! true story
[deleted]: Wall Of Text. Could you reformat to make it a little more readable? Difficult to read after a long night in the ER
Kasianic: Difficult to read after a long day of sitting on the couch too.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409078964 | 1409080378 | t3_2engzm | t5_2to41 | 2 | FerretFarm: TIFU by getting physical with a cop -- part 2
SteveO3755: When does part 3 come? I'm interested.
FerretFarm: Great, thanks! I'm going as fast as I can, but work keeps interrupting, haha
part 3 .... http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2eniel/tifu_by_getting_physical_with_a_cop_part_3/
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409038238 | 1409158709 | t3_2elwmq | t5_2to41 | 2 | Colonelk420: TIFU: by punching out my boss indirectly over an episode of Star Trek: TNG.
Groove-Champion: Was this in Dundas, ON perhaps?
Colonelk420: Nah man
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409081668 | 1409158171 | t3_2enm4p | t5_2to41 | 35 | etizolame: TIFU by showing my family the ropes
Both my boyfriend and I recently admitted to each other that we were into some kinky shit. It's always nice to find out you have shared interests.
It turned out he was already pretty proficient with shibari and rope work. He hadn't told me this yet, and decided instead to surprise me with a little demonstration.
While I was away for the weekend seeing family, he did a very neat and fairly complicated hog tie on the legs of an upturned chair. He proudly placed the upside down chair with his handiwork in the middle of the lounge.
Around 8pm on the Sunday evening, he was distracted from browsing the internet by the sound of the key turning in the lock of the front door. Excited to have me back, and wanting to see my reaction to the little BDSM demo he'd set up in the front room, he came out of our bedroom and waited in the lounge.
I walked into the front room
Followed by my mother, my grandmother and my grandfather.
My mother's eyes didn't leave the chair the entire time we were all talking. My grandparents seemed totally unfazed by the display, just happy to meet my boyfriend for the first time and decide wether or not he was a respectable young fellow (I stood there hoping they didn't use the kinky surprise sat in front of us as a factor in their decision).
My grandparents said their oblivious goodbyes and wandered back outside to the car. My mother stared at the chair a while longer, before saying:
"I'm not going to ask. See you later,"
The chair is now right side up, but I haven't been able to bring myself to take the rope off it yet. My mother has been to visit a few times since and it's good fun to watch her side eye it while trying to talk about something else.
nov6: Along with /r/buttfuckpotluck I would also like to see pictures. I'm genuinely interested in what the chair looked like.
aurihuntsmonsters: Two things.
1. That /r/ should've been a /u/.
2. You got me excited. :(
Djaja: Me too:/
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1409081767 | 1409103235 | t3_2enmc0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | A_Mediocre_Time: [Meta]TIFU by subscribing to this subreddit
LordBlackmore: > If we can't prove the legitimacy of these ridiculous stories,
Exactly how does that work on a sub where people want to remain anonymous?
A_Mediocre_Time: Like I said multiple times, since we **CAN'T** prove the legitimacy of the posts, this overly saturated sex subreddit should limit sex mishap posts like they did shit stories.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409081942 | 1409096633 | t3_2enmnl | t5_2to41 | 19 | kingeryck: TIFU by fingering my blinker
I got a new (used) car last week. Five years old, in great condition. Besides the following, it's very clean. I'm driving and mindlessly rubbing the end of the turn signal with my finger, as it has a texture on the end of it. Then I stop and think.. hmm.. it's odd that it's textured. The wiper stick isn't so why is this one? I look and it's not textured plastic at all. It's dirty with built up skin and oil from the previous owner's hand. GAG. I've been touching that for the past few days.
It took me like five minutes to clean it off. It was like trying to remove beef or bacon grease or something.
bl0bfish: That was probably the place they would wipe there boogers and let the sun dry it so they could continue wiping boogers there.
kingeryck: D:
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1409082709 | 1409093797 | t3_2eno4a | t5_2to41 | 3 | FerretFarm: TIFU by betting physical with a cop ... part 4
frescosush: That sucks that they make you go through security when you haven't left the country.
Also, why not just sell the weed to someone to get some money? :P
FerretFarm: Oh, it wasn't the Egyptians, it was the Israelis as I was getting in.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409083867 | 1409084003 | t3_2enqdo | t5_2to41 | 6 | lTauntMidgets: TIFU By being nice to my cat
So i usually hate my cat being in my room. She sheds all the time and sits on my keyboard when i play games. SO today i saw her (shes really old, i suspect not much time left :( ) So seeing her sad eyes cause i didnt let her into my room today i did. I then went to make some soup to eat cause i love soup. So i get to my room with this bowl from satans ass hole and sit it down on my desk. Now its kinda my fault i guess, cause i left it pretty close to the edge of the desk. So my cat wanting to sit on my damn keyboard, JUMPS UP onto my desk knocking the soup over onto my crotch burning the shit out of my groin area and my legs, ALSO some got in my shoes (boat shoes so i had no socks ). Now i sit while my lower body is on fire
s3w4g3: i don't understand cat's love for keyboards
lTauntMidgets: Neither will I, that is one of the reasons i hate cats. Always sitting on shit!
| 3 | 2 | |
1409084181 | 1409181100 | t3_2enqyj | t5_2to41 | 5 | ShotsFired__: TIFU (apparently) by being female and posting a picture that my face was in on reddit
New account I'm using here, created it in order to post a cool picture of this shirt I bought recently, but instead of taking a picture of just the shirt I made the mistake of being lazy and thinking it was OKAY to just post one I already had of me in the shirt.
Apparently that's illegal on a gamer subreddit, I got a few "cool shirt!" Comments but any comment actually nice about my face/appearance was down voted and I began getting flooded of how "much make up I wear" and how I'm "probably 14".
I defend myself and get told I'm sensitive and screaming for attention.
Next time I will just take a picture of the shirt. Most annoying fuck up ever.
ImICanHasHacks: Are u new to the internet. People dox and shit. I stay anonymous cuz people be crazy with NSA and stuff.
ShotsFired__: No I'm not new, just because I chose to defend myself doesn't mean I previously thought the internet was full of love and rainbows! Today I learned it's best not to give the trolls the opportunity! Thank you!
ImICanHasHacks: Sorry for being harsh just was kind of in a bad mood :(
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409084812 | 1409204747 | t3_2ens7g | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by incorrectly identifying someone's gender.
I work as a bank teller, and a customer came up today to get some cash, but didn't have ID. She was speaking through an electrolarynx (one of those electronic vocal cord vibrator things that people who had throat cancer use)
She did not have ID, so I asked a fellow teller next to me, "do you know her?"
She replied, "I know *him*, yes."
I turned beet red.
TIFUthetruestory: OP is a shitlord who gets off on oppressing quasigendered people by 'accidentally' misconstruing their gender. This was not the first time and it will not be that last.
P1xels: Check your privilege.
| 3 | 0 | |
1409084206 | 1409099803 | t3_2enqzx | t5_2to41 | 71 | rightinthepussay: [NSFW] TIFU by asserting my dominance over my mom
It all started on one fine day at school. A few of my friends were discussing porn and I joined in. At that time, I used to watch only the typical vanilla kinds of porn. The typical pizza delivery guy plot, the passer-by who makes it a threesome plot and the plot-less regular scenes. My friends were talking about some sort of MILF porn comic, and by their description it sounded pretty hot.
As soon as I reached home, I closed my room door and started searching for it. Turned out I had to download it. I had never downloaded porn before, as everyone on the Internet had had an incident where their downloaded porn was discovered. I downloaded it anyways, and opened it up. It was an incestual plot, with the son boning the mom and I was grossed out by it. But, I had already downloaded it and I was obliged to fap to it. I delete it as soon as I'm done, lest I become another person doomed to forever roam the Internet, telling everyone my story.
I decide to go for a quick shower and as soon as I get into the bathroom, my mom starts knocking on the bathroom door.
Me: What happened ?
Mom: Do you know where your brother's old school project is ?
Me: Ugh... Check my computer. I may have deleted it and it may be in the recycle bin or something.
I was blissfully unaware of what had happened, and after a nice long shower (maybe with one more fap), I return to my room. The first thing I notice is the Comic MILF's jugs staring at me. My computer's recycle bin is open and the thumbnail preview for the comic is shown. The file "MILFPORN_XXX_WWW.XXX.COM" has been clicked and the sudden realization brings my world crashing down.
**TL;DR: I told my mom specifically where to find MILF incest porn on my computer.**
itsjustnes: obligated to fap. really?
rightinthepussay: That was the point in my life when I used to fap a minimum of three times a day.
After downloading something, if I was just going to trash it.... It would be such a monumental waste...
itsjustnes: nope!
bleedrednblack: yeah hes totally right dude
itsjustnes: k i believe you.
| 6 | 11.833333 | |
1409085335 | 1409093620 | t3_2ent6m | t5_2to41 | 3 | FerretFarm: TIFU by getting physical with a cop, in Egypt…. Part 5
400HPMustang: I hope you ditched the reefer as soon as you could.
FerretFarm: Once I'd passed through customs it was no longer a worry.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409087322 | 1409166140 | t3_2enwy8 | t5_2to41 | 29 | icamhaswim: TIFU by going down on my girlfriend for the first time
So I got to college totally socially inept, like completely no idea what I was doing with girls, and never really even been to any parties. Went to a private boarding school where curfew was strict, and social interaction was scarce to non-existent(for me non-existent).
So, about a couple days into college, my roommate started inviting this girl who lived in our dorm and was in one of his classes over to the room to hang out. I honestly don't think he was into her, he really seemed like he was just trying to make friends, he was a foreign student and he was just really friendly. All I did was act really friendly and welcoming to the girl, watched a couple funny movies with him and her, and briefly chatted on facebook a couple times, when I realize she's into me and we start going out. This was my first girlfriend and I had only kissed a girl once before, so I naturally was really excited, and really eager. I wasn't her first boyfriend, but she had never had sex before, and wanted to be really just up for anything really, because it seemed like she really liked me. So we are dating and hooking up very frequently for about a month, which starts getting on my roommates nerves, because we would occupy the room a lot.
So I'm on the track team at my school and we have track meets that we have to leave early in the morning for, and take all day, and we get back late, like 7am-9pm we are gone. So one of these days, which was actually Halloween now that I think about it, I get back from a meet, and proceed to go at it with my gf. Meanwhile, my roommate is at a party in the room down the hall dressed in an open robe as Hugh Hefner. Anyway, my gf and I are making out with the door locked when I ask her if I could go down on her. She had been going down on me, by now, and I felt that I was being selfish by not doing it to her yet, so she hesitates for a second and says that'd be ok in a bit. So by now, my roommate has decided that he wants to come back to the room and change into another costume to go to a party across campus. The college is in the northeast, which at night in late October is pretty cold, and an open robe is not gonna cut it. So he texts me and asks if he can get back into the room. I don't respond because he forgets things a lot and is constantly wanting to get back into the room when we're doing stuff, and he had had the room literally for the last 14 hours and I wanted some privacy time. So he keeps texting and eventually calling, and I turn the phone on silent.
At this point, I have decided to get to it, and go down on my gf. I go down and immediately I taste nickels. She had just gotten off her period a couple days ago, and was still a little bloody down there. I don't even think her just getting off her period, and after an initial cringe, I decide that must be how it is down there and this is what I signed up for and that I was doing it for her, and kept at it. This goes on for about 5 minutes, me just fighting through the taste, and her really enjoying it, when there was a small knock on the door.
BANG BANG BANG BANG! "OPEN UP!" ~With funny French accent
My girlfriend immediately sits up very alarmed and before I can really get away from her she lets out a very surprised and sudden queef. This queef was kind of loud I think. I felt the air on my face. I felt little particles hitting my face, and later I washed some little crimson red particles off my face. I start freaking out, spitting, I think i yelled "It got in my eye!" at one point. Very very embarrassing for me, absolutely mortifying for her, she apologizes profusely over and over again. Then when I go to leave the room to get to the bathroom to wash my face, my roommate is there with two of his friends, and he starts yelling at me.
"You can't keep monopolizing the room! I live here too! Why can't you let me in! What is that on your face?" Yes.
I go wash my face, yell at him for not giving me any privacy, while my girlfriend quickly gets dressed and leaves for her room sending a text saying "sorry, I was too embarrassed I had to leave. I'll see you later. Sorry again."
Anyways, we broke up a month or so later, due to unrelated issues, and I don't really talk to my old roommate anymore but yeah, should have let my roommate in after the first text, should have stopped when I tasted nickels.
ILoveYou_Jenny: 'She had just gotten off her period a couple days ago, and was still a little bloody down there"---- This means she is still very much on her period. when she is off.. she wont have ANY blood! just a little something to remember. :)
icamhaswim: they were like specks leftover. No liquid but she hadn't quite cleaned up
RIPHenchman24: Hadn't quite cleaned up...in a couple of days? No wonder you tasted nickles, must've been at least a few in that jangly old purse.
MeadowLane: Right? The more he tries to explain himself, the more I'm cringing and feeling a bit sick. Jangly old purse gave me serious giggles.
TheWin420: Bad Desicions were made, I cringed alot, and more in the comments, why do I come here?
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1409087318 | 1409097175 | t3_2enwy1 | t5_2to41 | -3 | FerretFarm: TIFU by getting physical with a cop, in Egypt…. Part 6 - FINAL!
AnonySeeb: Down vote for no reddiquette and mistaking Palestine for this place you made up called "Israel"
Chukwuuzi: Oh shut up
| 3 | -1 | |
1409088317 | 1409092210 | t3_2enytd | t5_2to41 | 16 | 061109: TIFU by literally stabbing myself in the back.
This happened in or around 2007.
Back in 2007, I was in Secondary school (High school in the UK). Anywho, about once a year we would be taken on educational trips. I think on this occasion it was for geography and we were checking out some caves somewhere in the south of Ireland.
I had my school backpack with me. The day previous to the geography trip, my friend and I were in art class and we were messing around with those scalpel like cutters. We though they were nifty because 'wow, you can cut out a circle without going into the side of the page' SO we took them. I threw the stanley knife like blade into my pencil case and into my bag.
Fast forward to the bus at the end of the trip. After the pretty long day at the caves, everyone was eager to get off the bus so we all stood up to leave in a hurry. Of course our teacher angrily told us to sit back down to get off in single file.
That's when I felt an insanely sharp pain in the bottom of my back. I stood up again, lifted up the bottom of my tshirt and asked the girl beside me what was on my back. Her face told it all but she blurted out 'NOTHING'. I wiped my hand across where the pain struck and my hand was covered in blood. The art scalpel knife tool thing with an inch and a half blade had fallen out of my pencilcase, into my backpack, perched at a stabbing angle and forced itself into my back when I sat back down. Safe to say I was first off the bus.
tl;dr: stole school property and karma quite literally stabbed me in the back.
Kasianic: Nice of your classmate to say, "NOTHING" instead of, "BLOOD, BLOOD, IT'S BLOOD!"
DeviMon1: Well screaming blood would freak him out, should've just said something like this: "yea you got a little cut there, should take care of it."
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1409085274 | 1409093519 | t3_2ent20 | t5_2to41 | 3 | LivingSaladDays: TIFU By smoking a cigarette on my porch.
PamShelan: Don't worry about it, you don't know them, you'll never see them again
LivingSaladDays: they're my neighbors, at least the driver
PamShelan: Ahh in which case you must embrace the dance and laugh it off if they mention it, chances are that either they won't remember or they will have laughed at it and bring it up to try embarrass you. If this happens you laugh it off and own the situation
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409089998 | 1409157410 | t3_2eo1u0 | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking in on my brother having sex with his girlfriend, not realizing it, and then making them have sex harder.
So it all started sophomore year of college when my brother got a new girlfriend which he had been dating for a couple of months. My brother and her were in his room having "sexy-time" when my dumb ass thought it was a good time to play a prank on them. Im my defense, my friends and I had just recently smoked a fat bowl of Jane and I was not perfectly in homeostasis. So I get pumped up, start hysterically screaming nonsense at the top of my lungs, and bolt across the living room heading straight for his door. I got to his door and police kicked that shit open. With no time to process the information I observed that she was sitting on top of him cowgirl style with the comforter wrapped around her. So I initially thought that they were just making out. No. This was not the case. I then ran over to them and placed both hands on her shoulders thrusting her violently down on the bed. The bed was pretty springy so each time I pressed down she would quickly bounce back up; and repeat. She immediately gave out this weird "Ugghhhh mixed with an Ewww" sound. Her nose scrunched up, as it would do when smelling something foul. Her shoulders tensed back, as it would when a homeless person tries to give you a massage. I did this for about at least 15 seconds. This doesn't seem like much but trust me it was. I then realize what is happening by the terrified look on both their faces along with their petrifying screeches. I bolt back out the door laughing so hard, I was rolling on the ground. My brother then rips the door open and was like,"DUUUUUUDE COME ON MAN, WTF. HAVEN'T YOU HERD OF KNOCKING?" Then she began to walk humiliated out the door and began to describe the awful experience. She said, "Aw man that was sooo bad, uhhhh, whyyyyy, uhhhhh. It was like sliding in and out and uhhhhhh mannnn." (mind you my brother wears magnums and that thing wasn't slipping out if you tried). That being said I totally killed their "sexy time" and I have always since knocked before entering.
TIFUthetruestory: OP was mad that the new girl was starting to disrupt his relationship with big brother. He came home one day and heard the distinct sounds of greasy love from his brothers bedroom. In a Kentucky fit of rage and kicked in the door and tried to forcibly remove the harlot from his brother's magnum dong. Alas, this girl had done her kegels and her pelvic floor was more than up to his challenge. In shame and tears he fled the room while the lovers laughed.
Mud_Ducker: >OP In a Kentucky fit of rage
Was pooping as I read this analysis and laughed so hard I shit immediately
| 3 | 23 | |
1409090058 | 1409094355 | t3_2eo1xd | t5_2to41 | 11 | Taargboy: TIFU by sleeping with my cousins crush
Buckle in this is kinda a long one but I certainly think this is the darkest point of me life. This happened about 6 years ago and it was the summer in between High-school and College and I was 19. I had recently had a very bad streak of behavior getting arrested and getting kicked out of my high-school and having to transfer to another one. On top of all of that, I had just had a major house party at my house in what we will call Big-City Texas and the police raided it and I almost got arrested again. Anyway my parents are furious and so they tell me to pack my shit up and move to small-town Texas with my cousins, two guys age 18 and 17 and a girl age 16.
This happened right before the 4th of July Holiday so on the way up I was like w/e I am going to chill out because I was going to college in August. My cousins were really lame so I was not expecting a lot out of my future stay up there. On my trip up I get a call from one of them explaining they are having a huge party and that its going to be awesome having me there. I am like whatever.
So I get there day before 4th of July(Day of the party) meet up with cousins and move into my room. I ask where my Aunt and Uncle are to learn they are out of town and will be so tomorrow.
Which now I begin to realize is like sizing up to be something big because I am looking at all the booze they are buying and supplies.
So now I am thinking this is cool, my parents tried to punish me but failed and I get ready for the party.
We are getting ready and some of his closer friends start to show up around noon and we are chilling in the pool drinking. I learn that my cousins have built me up as this big city bad boy who lives by no ones rules but his own so everyone just thinks I am the coolest shit ever. Which I am totally down with so I decide tonight I am going to embrace my darkside.
These girls start to show up and I immediately notice this insanely hot blonde. I mean she is your typical Daisy Duke really country, short jean shorts bikini top, super hot. At some point she walks up to me and says "I have heard about you, your the cool (OPs Last name). My Cousins and I share a last name so I started flirting a little with her back before one of my cousins best friends comes and gets me and is like "lets get a beer".
On the way he explains that my cousin has been in love with that girl since childhood, and is totally freindzoned by her. However, they did recently make out drunkenly at a party but my cousins friend explained that she was probably just drunk. At any rate this had like fueled my cousins obsession and he would barely leave her alone to the point you could tell she was annoyed by it. My cousins friend said to me "It looks like she is into so if I were you I would just stay away from her." I told him that he was probably right and I didnt want to hurt my cousins feelings and we headed over, beer in hand, to the beer pong table. However, deep in the back of my mind lurked darkside.....
My cousins friend, who had quickly become my friend, and I were running the beer pong table. So at this point with my impressive beer pong run and everyone treating me like I was this badass bad boy and I was feeling Alpha as fuck. All these girls are basically throwing themselves at me. I am literally just trying to decide who i am going to hook up with at this point. I see the my cousins girl eyein my from across the room and I am just screaming out loud in my head because it's such a waste. You can see how little interest she has in my cousin.
I am not sure how it started but the next thing I know my cousin(the one who is into the girl) is getting pressed against a wall by this guy. No one had really known him and he was kinda from out of town as well. He is big so no one is really stepping in to help. I am pretty drunk at this point and feeling alpha as fuck so I run over there and grab him off my cousin and throw him back.
People gasp and are getting ready for the huge fight, so I just get in his face and say you better fucking leaving dude and ultimately he eyes me up, mutters something and leaves. He leaves and now everyone is giving me shots I am like running this shit.
Now the moment we all knew was coming, I go to the restroom and find the only open one is in my aunt and uncles bedroom. I finish my piss and walk back in the bedroom and there she is. She says something like "hey, I was looking for the restroom too" Dark side takes over and I just grab her and that was all she wrote we bang for 30 mins, then go again.
Anyway it was around 3-4 in the morning party is still going strong, we had just done it twice and I am feeling ready to go back to the party since we had both been absent for around an hour so we had probably been noticed. I am thinking of a way to explain where I have been. When I feel some hands on my lower back and I turn around and she is there again. She starts giving me head and I can't say no. Its great head and I start to finish when I look up and in the bathroom mirror I can see my cousin just staring at me.
How long he is there I can't say but he is literally watching me in the worst possible moment. He yells you piece of shit and she screams. He tries to punch me but I run out of the bathroom and he tackles me but naked into this party. We start fighting and break all this stuff. I get kicked out of the house and have to return to my parents to tell them the tale of how I destroyed my aunt and uncles house cuz I fucked my cousins crush/girlfriend. Needless to say I fucked up.
EDIT: I felt really bad for all of my actions during this and I am certainly not proud about them. My cousin and I have sense become close again and we laugh about it as one of those stupid moments back in high school where my cousin fought me naked in the middle of his party.
TIFUthetruestory: OP showed up at his cousin's house pouting. Cousin does his best to make OP feel welcomed and accepted at the party, but OP gets angry drunk and starts fighting people and inappropriately touching any girl in arms reach. Everyone is telling him to calm down and that he doesn't have to prove what a big city asshole he is, but OP flies off the handle and starts trashing the house. A ruckus ensues and OP soon finds himself sitting on the edge of his bed with nothing but the lies he rehearsed the whole bus ride home.
Taargboy: hahahaha this made me smile
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409089435 | 1409095595 | t3_2eo0u6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by helping a co-worker jump start her car.
My co worker recently left her headlights on while she worked. Around lunch time she noticed it and her battery was drained and the car wouldn't start. She asked if I knew how to jump start a car (I don't have a car but I have done it before). I help her out, it took me a few tries but I figured it out and we got her car running. About a week later she starts having car problems.
Today I realize there's some gossip around the office and overheard one of the other girls say that the car hasn't been the same since that day. I must have done something to the battery trying to figure out which way the jumper cables went.
She hasn't mentioned it to me but I have noticed for about a week that she seems a little upset. Maybe she doesn't want to say anything but I feel really bad about.
TIFUthetruestory: OP overreacts to an unimaginably minor issue and retreats to the internet instead of talking to the girl.
Also, of the three people involved who didn't know how to use jumper cables zero of them looked it up on the smart phones that were in their pockets.
Grave_Girl: Or in the owner's manual that was probably in the glove box.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409090391 | 1409095734 | t3_2eo2h8 | t5_2to41 | 11 | throwTIFUaway: TIFU by watching Shemale Porn... [NSFW]
I ll do it quick...
I was at home while my parents were at a "vacation" (we have a little cottage) since a week. So i had the home for myself.
Today was my first lonely evening (girlfriend went home cause she needed to study). So, kinky like i am, i went into the living room. You know there is nothing better then watching porn on the big tv!
Also i have to admit i am a crazy bastard and so i not just watched some 0815-Porn... No my brain thought it is time for some fucked up shemale porn! Great Idea!
Also somehow i liked to enjoy myself a bit more then else... So i put on my sisters underwear and put my mom's hairspraycan into my ass (throwaway...).
Just about to come when my mom and dad are standing in the living room. Seems like they went home earlier... I dont know. I packed my lover (the hairspray can) and my other shit and just left the room. But on some trousers and went into my car... Now i am sitting at my girlfriends place and waiting... My Parents didnt call me... till now. Also the shemale porn is still running...
Dr_Mysterious: I find this hard to believe.
EZLIVINGXD: Also hard to read
LoganAH: Oh boy something else is hard now ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1409091249 | 1409177539 | t3_2eo41l | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a threesome with my bestfriend
Disclaimer: This happened almost two weeks ago now and I've had sex with the girl multiple times
So, my best friend, we'll call him Chad, and I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to convince this girl, we'll call her Mary, we had been hanging out with for the past few weeks, into a threesome. This night, we had all had quite a lot to drink and I figured it would be super easy to talk her into it. We all walked outside and talked for a few minutes before Chad went inside to smoke. As he walked inside, Mary started grinding on me and it got pretty hot and heavy. I stopped her and spent the next 30 minutes trying to convince her to have this threesome. I told her it would never get out to anyone but the three of us and that seemed to seal the deal. Now, we go back inside and find Chad in his room, I update him on the situation and he looks thoroughly pleased. So, she turns off the lights and starts to suck him off, while I hit it from the back. 2 hours later, we've switched places and positions multiple times. At this time, I noticed I'm about to come so I do, without thinking, I ask Chad to switch so she could suck me off again. She started to suck me off, when I notice Chad seemed to be missing in action. I take a closer look and nope, he's just eating her out, after I had busted a nut. I felt a little sick to my stomach but at this point it was too late and I couldn't say anything. I finished up ten minutes later and passed out in his living room, leaving them to their own devices.
TL;DR: Had a threesome with my best friend, came in the girl and he ate my cum. Still can't look him in the eye.
PIRATEghost85: If the interweb is to believed, some dudes are into that sick shit. Overall though, it seems like you two really wanted to fuck each other and were desperate to find a willing chick to make yourselves feel less gay.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: It's not "sick shit."
It's hot as fuck, for both guys and girls.
PIRATEghost85: Um... one dude eating another dudes jizz out of a woman is, according to Websters, "Sick Shit". Now your personal persuasions or perversions may not agree with that definition (And thats ok!).
| 4 | 2 | |
1409089775 | 1409096129 | t3_2eo1fk | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking dirty to my high school girlfriend
TLDR I wasn't supposed to be dating , parents found out , no privledges , secretly messaged her , dirty talk , parents find that out , I run away, cops threatened to be called
So , this was a little while back...
Anyways , I'll set the scene , my parents are very strict when it comes to dating , and when I say that , let me be clear. NO DATING. So , I meet this girl and we date for a while because we attend the same high school all that jazz.. anyways , my dad finds out and he gives me a " talk" which ended in me losing all internet and phone privileges , total lock down , he changes the WiFi password , the works. Now that this has happened, I remember my little sister has a tablet , she falls asleep and I message my girl on Facebook( now ex) , we get to talking and things start to get dirty , and I mean really dirty , like " I want your dick in my tight pussy, Fuck me now "... Well , this goes on for a while , and low and behold , there is a knock at my bedroom door , I'm in there in my boxers , dick in hand , and there is a fucking knock , I toss the tablet behind my bed and tuck in my boner with some jeans. He asked me what was up , all casual like . I respond with a " I wasn't feeling well so I went to bed kinda early "
" so it has nothing to do with ( girlfriends name ) ?"
I look him dead in the eye and realize he knows
" umm, maybe????"
"What are you using to message her ?" " the tablet.....* shameful look*"
" where is it?"
" haha ..ummm... "
* my mom walks in and starts rummaging through my things *
I panic , I think and think , my dad goes back down stairs whilst my mom looks for the tablet
I think , and it dawns on me.
I run down stairs , and log into my facebook on the computer. 'Would you like to change your password ' yes yes yes , fucking yes!
'Log out of all other devices ?'
Just then my dad walks out of the bathroom , shit I thought , I duck underneath the chair and hope to god he doesn't see me , he doesn't , fuck yes.
I jump for the computer , I click yes and finish the password change . Right when I finish the change , my mom walks into view , holding the tablet with a disappointed look on her face. I cringe , and she says " it's too late , I've already seen what was said "
I bow my head in defeat and I walk up to my room.
I'm in full shame mode and decide to jump from my second story window and crash at a friend's house, I'm on my way over and it's about 8 o'clock, I realize that my dad has followed me , he pulls up and says " come home now or I'm calling the police "
Shit , I've been caught again ... I concede .. I go with him and we never speak of it again , not once have they said anything about it , and it's been 3 months..
Edit : grammar
[deleted]: Call the police over his kid running away from ridiculous parents? No offense, but you should have called his bluff and laughed at him.
Acid44: And then the cops come, bring him home, and tell him to follow his parents rules.
[deleted]: ^ Worse case scenario. That or they yell at you to stop resisting and shoot your dog.
| 4 | 1 | |
1409092474 | 1409155022 | t3_2eo634 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching a Jehova Elder. Actually not much of a TIFU
So long story short. I simply have stopped going to the their meetings because I realized they are bullshit. I'm gay but they don't know. So the elders have been standing outside my door and constantly knocking and sliding the watchtower under my door. I got fed up and confronted them. They kept telling me that I could be saved and all their doomsday stuff. I slammed my door. My living room window dosent have a net so they were freaking leaving papers through it and talking to me. I was so mad they were invading my property i just when up and socked him in the mouth. I told him to GTFO of my property or I would take legal action. I know if I do Id get in trouble for hitting him, but he wasin my pivate property without permission. So yeah, TIFU
OliStabilize: As a former child 'in the truth'.. I applaud you sir.
doublepoly123: Same here. First day I turned 18 I left that place!
youessbee: No, you didn't.
Your post history says different: "[My friend is a JW. Im not and never have been.](http://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/2ef5me/my_friend_is_a_jw_im_not_and_never_have_been_hes/)"
doublepoly123: Lol. You think i would tell him. He would never talk to me other wise. Hes still JW so if he knew i Had this he would cut me off. I thought he knew I had this account but he dosent. Know that I think about it. Maybe.this TIFU is why he wont talk to me 0.0
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1409092793 | 1409116264 | t3_2eo6jy | t5_2to41 | 26 | neS-: TIFU by not masturbating for a couple days and then having sex with my gf
I haven't seen my girlfriend in awhile and we have been looking forward to seeing eachother for the past month and by seeing eachother I mean fucking. Well the past couple days I have been around her but we just haven't had the privacy to do it and for some reason I just haven't been masturbating despite constantly being turned on and blue balled. Well today was finally the day that we got to do it.
It was pretty quick which I expected because I haven't gone 4 days without masturbating since I started and I noticed something weird when I came. I felt like I peed or something and I felt the condom fill up. I hear my girlfriend say "oh I felt that' I then pulled out and looked at the condom. The tip had been filled up and a ton of cum was on the top of the condom all the way down to the base and some even escaped. My jaw dropped and we instantly started freaking out. Hopefully everything's okay we are getting plan b.
tldr: haven't jerked off in days, came buckets in condom, hopefully didnt get gf pregnant
McpxPhantom: Your fine bro. I learned sometimes it takes a lot more than just a dribble... Stupid me came inside every girl I fucked. Not a one got pregnant..... Did I mention I'm a moron for that? Yeah, okay. You're fine xD and if you're wondering it wasn't many only 6.
Edit: did have sex with each over 7 times, I might just be sterile.
techtechtechtech: Lucky.
McpxPhantom: I can't have babies if I am :( I want babies later in life... Who will entertain me when I'm old and my unit is malfunctioning?
techtechtechtech: I would do anything to trade you places, good sir.
GuiltyunlessInnocent: Would you... Get a vasectomy?
techtechtechtech: Probably, yeah. However, being the coward I am, I'd prefer the silent, painless method, that's all.
| 7 | 3.714286 | |
1409093379 | 1409159664 | t3_2eo7hx | t5_2to41 | 17 | the_girly_gamer_: TIFU by leaving my job for a chance at another one
I worked at a preschool as a lead three year old teacher. I've been struggling since last may because I wasn't able to pay my tuition, and a week before graduation I found out I wasn't graduating. I did all the work and have nothing to show for it. So I moved back in with my parents and got a job at a preschool. The charter school next door was hiring for a new preschool teacher, and I would make a good ten thousand a year more. I interviewed for the job, and somehow was convinced to take a teacher's aid position at a pay cut, in order to " audition" for the position. Keep in mind I've been teaching since I was 18, and I have education and experience. I turned down other offers at other schools because I wanted this one.
A week before the end of the school year, the owner of the school tells me she wants to give someone else the job. After two months of me jumping through hoops, teaching lessons for her, coming in early and staying late. I walked out in anger and didn't go back for the last week. I called the other schools that offered me positions and they hired someone else already. My husband and probably can't afford rent next week and it's all my fault.
I fucked up by not following my heart, I followed my need for money. I shouldn't have left my original job, or turned down the others. :'( And now all the schools in the area have hired their teachers.
Sorry if there are typos I'm crying very hard right now.
_HolyBeardman: If you live anywhere near Washington DC the academic standards are extremely high and you can easily make 6 figures in tutoring here. Easy.
the_girly_gamer_: I wish, I live in Arizona.
_HolyBeardman: I've heard that some charge upwards of 180 an hour here. Well that's a shame. I would have been willing to help if I could. I wish you the best of luck in your search.
the_girly_gamer_: Thank you for your kind thoughts, it means a lot. I hope I find something soon. My poor husband is taking the burden, its so hard on him.
stovemonky: That's what we husbands are for. There is no fault here. You took a chance and this particular one didn't work out. It may make for tough times, but you can/will get along and get through it.
You gotta take chances in life. Regret or guilt will only slow you down from getting somewhere better. You will get somewhere better.
the_girly_gamer_: Thank you so much that makes me feel better:)
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1409093470 | 1409110444 | t3_2eo7o0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | creamsiclepop: TIFU by accepting a package
Happened a year ish ago. 11am on a Saturday morning I hear a knock at my door. I try to ignore the annoyance but it just keeps assaulting my ear drums. "Fucking Derick"... I walk to the door pissed, wrapped in a blanket because I wasn't putting on clothes to yell at the little shit. But I don't find Derick instead I find a post man with a small brown box.
Well my birthday is only a week away I'm excited now. I quickly except the package with small talk about how mail is late because of some malfunction and my upcoming celebration. Then the door is closed and I head to the kitchen for a knife.
Now I am prancing threw my house with a package and a bread knife ready for the wonders to come. I get it open to find the weirdest combo of things in a box I have ever seen....
A bible, a blanket, several bags of shredded news paper, a single mushroom vacuum packed taped to the bottom. And a fishing wire wound around the inside of the box attached to a small black box.
WELL FUCK...
So this is not good. At this point I realize something is very wrong. And that I have some not entirely legal things in my closet. Hart beat heart beat heart beat. Knock knock.
"(Town I live in) police open up"
Me: Im naked
Btw that is the WRONG answer.
Them: Break it down.
For the next 6 min I run up and down my hall while police ( who broke the door beyond opening with the second hit) pound away and yell for me to open up. I pace nude realizing how utterly inescapable my 6 story apartment is. Im fucked.
Men pour into my house with guns asking where my stash was. My stash at this point was some half vaped weed and a bowl found squished flat in the couch with cat hair permanently one with the bud.( I don't own a cat). The officers searched my house from top to bottom. Dumped my oatmeal. Broke my couch. Treated me like a real drug dealer. I was a 22yo nude woman with Beatles posters and pot leaves on the wall. I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I in no way resemble a drug dealer.
After hard core interrogation ( this cop was trying to make up for something) that fruited nothing I was hauled to jail. I found out bright and early the next morning the package contained 9oz of mushrooms and 2 oz of weed. Worst birthday present ever.
[deleted]: If they can't prove that you knew what was in the package, you're off free. This is entrapment. If you didn't get out of trouble for it, talk to a lawyer. I'm familiar with how this works for reasons...:
The Post Office found something suspect, got a warrant, opened it, (caused a delay which the - as it sounds - bro-mail-man tried to hint at) found the goods, put it back (likely in a new box) and delivered it to you and had you sign for it as "proof" of accepting drugs.
I say the put it in a new box because every vendor I know of on the darknet uses stamped/prepaid flat rate boxes.
creamsiclepop: The package with my name on it was enough for a warrent . Upon entering the house the police found mushrooms cultivating. I ended.up with a possession charge and 60 days in jail.
[deleted]: That makes it more tricky, though you did get off light all things considered.
| 4 | 1 | |
1409088699 | 1409110089 | t3_2enziz | t5_2to41 | 8 | Absoluteidiot: TIFU by having road rage and wrecking my car
We've had some pretty rainy weather where I am (Yorkshire) lately. Every time it rains the main road I need to go down to get to my boyfriends floods and every single time I forget about the flood.
So last week on a particularly rainy day I was on my way to see my boyfriend to say bye as he was off abroad for a week. So as usual forgot about the road flooding until I was at the giant puddle.
If you go really slowly through the middle of the giant puddle (shallowest part) there's no problems. People are normally considerate and let the person coming the opposite way go through the middle before they then go through and take it in turns until the traffics gone.
So anyway there's a car in front of me and the guy on the opposite side lets the car in front of me come across the middle, so then it's my turn to wait and let him across the middle. So by the unwritten rules of driving through puddles the guy behind him should let me go through next. But no, not one, not two but three people drive through the middle of the road and not one of them acknowledges me to say thanks.
So now I'm really annoyed and in my stupid angry road rage, I flip the last guy off who drives past and drive angrily and fast through this massive puddle. I knew I'd made a mistake as soon as the water came up over the top of the car as I splashed through.
I pulled in to the petrol station that's just passed the puddle, put the petrol in and get back in the car with all the snacks I'd just bought. Try to start the car and it won't turn over, it's just making some screeching noise. Spent the next two hours waiting for the AA blocking the petrol pump for other people.
AA man comes takes what looks like literally everything out from under the bonnet to just say "nope can't fix it, sorry". I have to be towed to the garage (first time being towed and it's a very weird feeling) and wait for a lift from the garage, so after all that I got to see my boyfriend for a whole 20mins before he had to leave. And I'm having to pay out over £300 for the car to be fixed and have to try and get to work 20 miles away without a car till it's fixed. Moral of the story: don't be a little bitch and drive angrily.
TL;DR: got road rage, drove fast through a massive puddle, missed saying bye to my bf properly and fucked my car up.
Edit: sorry for the lack of spacing, I'm doing this on my phone.
johnnywacko: The fuck is AA???
buprenorFiend_: Alcoholics Anonymous
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409080962 | 1409095988 | t3_2enku9 | t5_2to41 | 2 | internetvillain: TIFU by opening a loot-crate
PIRATEghost85: Explain this "lootcrate" situation... the nerd in me is intrigued...
acun1994: Monthly subscription. Each month you get a box with stuff following a theme. This month's theme was Heroes
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409094796 | 1409095894 | t3_2eo9w6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | FrankfurterSinatra: TIFU by manscaping with tweezers
I am young, and inexperienced with STDs (thank god), but one morning I saw a large red dot above my dick. I thought it was herpes (even though out of the very few people I've been with, they were all clean). I ask the Doctor if thats what it was. Turns out it was an ingrown hair.
Here is where I fucked up. I plucked that hair with tweezers and started to bleed. After it healed, it looked great and I figured the hair wouldn't grow there again. So naturally, I figure plucking is better than shaving.
Last night I got curious and began plucking away. Nothing too bad. Hairs were gone. (Just a test patch)
Today I have a heaping pile of red, bumpy, extremely painful rash that will not go away. Scratching makes it worse, and I don't want to scar up my pubic area. And when I say really painful, I'm fuckin' naked right now to avoid anything touching this area.
TIFUthetruestory: OP didn't know that you can give yourself herpes by scratching at ingrown hairs. It lives under your fingernails man.
FrankfurterSinatra: I may be ignorant on some subjects, but I'm not stupid.
edit, read your username. XD
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409086059 | 1409148851 | t3_2enujx | t5_2to41 | 8 | tonymcd: TIFU by cleaning my aquarium
In our living room, we have a 29 gallon goldfish aquarium. We also have a very cute kitten who we shall call Max. One of Max's favorite hobbies is sitting on the glass cover of the aquarium trying to figure out a way to get the fish.
So today (about an hour ago) I decided to do the weekly partial water change. I got the bucket and gravel vacuum, opened the glass cover and siphoned out five gallons of water. The entire time, Max is hanging around watching what I'm doing.
When I went to the kitchen to get the clean water to refill the aquarium, I made sure to close the cover. Just in case Max decided to jump on top.
Returning with two gallons of clean water, I open the lid and start pouring the water in. Slowly so as not to knock any of the plastic plants loose.
With about half the water remaining and completely without warning, Max jumps onto the top of the aquarium. From the side of the tank, I could see him treading water until he reached the edge with his front paws. This apparently have him sufficient leverage to propel himself out of the tank and onto the chair next to it.
By the time I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a towel, there was water all over the living room floor. Max was hiding under a chair dripping wet. I got him wrapped up and had my son dry him off while I mopped the water up off the floor.
Once he was mostly dry, we used a hair dryer to finish drying him. Something tells me he won't be getting on top of the aquarium again. :)
TL;DR While changing the water in our aquarium, our three month old kitten jumped in, jumped out and drenched our living room.
democracy4sale: >We also have a very cute kitten who we shall call Max.
You don't need to give your cat an anonymous name. ITS A CAT.
cute story btw.
tonymcd: Well, the rules said no personal info, so I decided not to risk it. :)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409095808 | 1409096621 | t3_2eobkp | t5_2to41 | 6 | Freeqt: TIFU by dating the white girl instead of the black one.
Kermit64: This post again? i swear you've posted this like 4 times already.
Kill_All_Trolls: Check this dudes overview all his posts are total prick posts.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409096358 | 1409137214 | t3_2eocjh | t5_2to41 | 4 | atomic_bubblegum: TIFU By trying to get groceries.
So I'm currently sitting in Kroger, waiting for my Mom to pick me up and bring me $50 to pay for the damn groceries I was getting. My card got declined. Mind you that there's more than enough in the bank to pay for it, but since my bank decided to be a dick and change owners and names I can't use my card and have to wait for the new one. I don't carry cash. I'm stuck here until she gets here with all this people looking. FML. Is gonna be a long 30 minutes....
muxtaiter: I hope that never happens to me. I carry 10 dollars cash max, and even that is for emergency. I always use my card.
atomic_bubblegum: Yeah, the worse part I'm still here. From now on I'll carry at least $50 cash in case of emergency. Several people asked if I was Ok since I'm sitting here in a corner.
LKdubbs: Nah, just carry a $20, any more and if your wallet gets stolen, you might as well have set that money on fire cause you're never getting it back. Sorry the card let you down this time but if someone steals your wallet and they take your card, you can call and have it cut off, and all your money, you know, when you have access to it again, will still be there.
atomic_bubblegum: That's the exact reason why I never carry cash. You can call and cancel a card and get your money back, , but with cash you can only cry about it.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1409096490 | 1409159220 | t3_2eocry | t5_2to41 | 1,719 | mtnl4dy: TIFU by flashing the entire store I work at while blasting my boss with a deadly fart
Texas summers are brutally hot, even inside. Our store places little fans around the room, including a small one on the floor that points up near the cash register. Today, I was getting very hot, and while speaking on the phone with a customer, I absentmindedly edged closer to the floor fan to get a bit of a breeze near my lower half. After way too much Mexican food and shitty beer the night before, my stomach was roiling and needed to release some gas. I figured standing near the fan would allow the fart stench to disperse evenly. However, my boss needed to use the cash register that I was next to, so I scooted over while farting, and had my back to him. All at once, my dress flew up over my head, the fart was way louder than I intended, and blasted right into my boss's face. I dropped the phone and slapped my dress back down only to see the look of horror on his face. The other guys I work with were laughing so hard and all I could do was stand there with a beet red face.
freeroof: Congratulations, this is one of the only posts I have ever laughed at.
_vargas_: Not to mention the arousing nature of it. I mean, i didn't think I was into that kind of thing, yet here I am. I guess it's true what they say; you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your boners.
theodrixx: [vargas loses karma on a comment](http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Woody-Harrelson-Wiping-Tears-Money.gif)
Captain_Oreos: This is why we don't get any famous redditors on TIFU.
Mikeahya: Wait, what? I'm here.
Instantcretin: Who da fuck are you?
Mikeahya: I'm famous redditor /u/Mikeahya. You know me, and my catchphrase "It's ya boyyyyyyy /u/Mikeahya"
Instantcretin: Youre no /u/[deleted]
Mikeahya: Eh : some people like Deniro and some like Pacino.
Instantcretin: I like Liotta.
Mikeahya: Liotta's good. Also acceptable : Pesci, Aiello, Schneider.
Instantcretin: Schneider? Like Rob Schneider? Unacceptable.
Mikeahya: Hahahaha.
Instantcretin: I like you mike. Lets be friends.
Mikeahya: Ok mate. We'll go bowling.
Instantcretin: Ill get my shoes and ball. First games on me, brother.
Mikeahya: I was gonna ask you to spot me 50 anyway so I can handle that.
Instantcretin: No prob. Can you pick me up though? My cars not starting.
Mikeahya: I cant. Maybe grandma will take us, though.
Instantcretin: Tell her ill put a fiver in the tank too.
Mikeahya: Alright mate. She's tucking me in now, and says yes.
Instantcretin: Haha, this was fun. See you in the reddit cycle mikey.
Mikeahya: Cheers mate! ; p
| 24 | 71.625 | |
1409096191 | 1409105305 | t3_2eoc8d | t5_2to41 | 37 | TIFUthrowawayacct: NSFW TIFU by blasting my house with the smell of rotten moldy cum 30 seconds before my in-laws walked in
So about a week ago I was watching porn and turned around and noticed the vacuum cleaner standing up behind me and I wondered "I wonder what would happen if I stuck my dick in the hose with it running". Well, i put my dick in there and it felt good....really good. Its as if it was angrily trying to milk me. Needless to same I came pretty quickly and aggressively. Now I'm looking down thinking "shit how am i going to clean this thing?" I took the hose off and hose it off outside and re-attached it and thought "that's probably good enough" so I put it up where it stayed unused for 2 weeks.
fast forward to the other day. My in-laws are coming to visit us and their 11 month old grand daughter (I am a 30 year old married man with a child, not a 15 y/o if you can believe that). Right before they pull into the driveway I spilled some coffee grounds in the kitchen which is situated right by the front door where they are about to walk in. I quickly wiped out the vacuum cleaner and went to work on the coffee grounds when suddenly the smell hit me. The air that was coming out of the vacuum was the most foul smelling stench ever. It smelled like vomit and dead fished tied up in a garbage bag and left out in the hot sun for 3 days. The whole front of the house immediately was filled with the smell. My wife ran in asking what the hell that smell was. I said "I don't why it smells like that. Boy, that's weird". Secretly, I knew exactly what that smell was. It was rotten moldy cum inside my vacuum cleaner. And then the in-laws walk in and ask what that smell is and I play it off as best I could.
Needless to say I won't be sticking my man meat in the vacuum again...probably
Vapsyvox: [This came to mind.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LZXXdyMC2Y)
[deleted]: That's the best video I've ever seen
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1409098753 | 1409117359 | t3_2eogio | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By buying a cheap bottle of rum
So, a bit of back story. I'm a borderline alcoholic that has been struggling with drinking for about 2 years now. My wife, growing up with alcoholic parents, is understandably against drinking.
I have an amazing wife of 6 years (been together 12) and an almost 5 year old son, with one more on the way. My son's pre-school meeting was today to meet his teacher and check out his school.
I was feeling pretty low and weak due to my line of work (freight broker, where everyone are assholes), so I decided to grab a cheap bottle of rum to have a couple drinks to ease my pain from a very stressful, demeaning day.
My wife got home and was none the wiser (or so I thought) thanks to my after drinking routine (brush teeth, gargle mouthwash, eye drops, and eating food) to ensure I didn't smell and look like I was trying to hide something.
Turns out she knew the second she started talking to me, due to me slurring my words and general demeanor, and has left with our son (and my un-born son) to go stay with her mom while she figures out if I'm worthy enough to stay with her and my family.
I honestly don't know what I'll do to win her trust back. I just had a moment of weakness and fucked up pretty bad. Any advice (other than counseling, which I'm currently going through) would be awesome. My problem is that I don't want to quit drinking, I enjoy it too damn much.
Sorry for the pity post, just felt good to get this out.
JENJUICEE: :(
Ipiria: :'(
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409098702 | 1409100124 | t3_2eogg3 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU I was the jerk who asked a not gay man if he was gay..
Background: I am female. I support LGBT rights, would never sober-ly ask someone if they were gay or not because 1. Why does it matter to me? 2. It's basically none of my business 3. it's REALLY none of my business 4. It's a total asshole move & doesn't define who they are in any way.
At a house party with a group of people I do know and a group I don't. Halfway through the night (approx 1AM) I am completely hammered. Meet a beautiful man in the kitchen and we talk for a moment. Note that there are no women around him and he has a hat with pink lettering. Ask quietly if I can ask him a question - "Are you gay?" He looks at me. Immediatly know he is not. Feel like the biggest jerk in the world. A friend tries to intervene (while I'm at a loss for words) by stating the obvious : he is beautiful and well kept and blah blah. We all go to clink drinks as acceptance that I'm a jerk and we will all continue a good night. As soon as we clink, beautiful man goes "OH ME AND HIM CLINKED GLASSES I MUST BE GAY."
Ouch. Clearly I have offended him deeply. I apologize profusely over the rest of the night while he continues to not accept. (BTW, he wasn't on any girls cause his girlfriend had already gone home.)
No idea what demon compelled that to come out of my mouth but I apologized as much as I could. I honestly still feel bad about it. Definitely my biggest & most offensive TIFU in awhile. World: Please don't hate me!
murderouspanda00: drunk words are sober thoughts
azmica: true.. I was just wondering in my head if he was or not... but the fact that I asked out loud was where I went really wrong..
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1409098363 | 1410127549 | t3_2eofwn | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching anime with my mom
This actually happened several years ago, but it only made sense to me a couple of weeks ago.
My mom is a really cool lady. She's in her late 60s now. She loves (and plays) video games, is a big anime fan, rides roller coasters like a boss, and is a generally awesome and a genuinely good person to boot. She has done volunteer/charity work her whole life and is an awesome mom as well. Basically I really love my mom.
So me being the huge nerd that I am, I'm the person she comes to when she's looking for something new to watch. I was about 20 at the time (this would have been 2001), and she knocked on my door and said "hey ihavesomeregrets any cool new animes we could watch together tonight?"
I'm all "I'll find something, make some popcorn!"
After rummaging through my totally legal and not at all downloaded from IRC anime collection, I settle on [Perfect Blue](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfect_Blue). I had already seen it but it's a damn good film and my mom likes the more mature stuff.
So we settle down to watch it and at first she's really into it, but then her entire body language changes, her expression changes, everything changes. I ask her if she's not enjoying it and offer to go grab something else, but she says "no this is good, it's just a little scary."
She sounded like she was about to cry but I thought well, it is a very unsettling film and it's cold so maybe her voice is trembling a little because she's scared/cold but if she wants to keep watching...
We finish the movie and she thanks me and says she has to get back to work (she was a journalist -- now retired -- and did a lot of working from home). So I go back upstairs to my room. About an hour later I'm walking to the bathroom which is across the hallway from her office, and I hear her crying in there. I thought she was writing about something sad, she used to cry when she wrote sometimes, so I thought absolutely nothing of it.
She seemed fine the next day, so I forgot all about it. She never asked to watch anything with me again, but I was ready to move out by then anyway, and she was busy with work, so I didn't think anything of that either.
So, 13 years later I'm talking to her on Skype and she starts talking about how she's getting older and her health is failing and there are some things she thinks I should know about her. She starts to sob uncontrollably and I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on, and then finally between sobs she tells me very fast that she was stalked and later raped by 3 men when she was 17. She said that no one believed her and that she ended up with PTSD which she needed years of therapy to deal with.
Needless to say, my mind immediately flashed back to us watching Perfect Blue, to how her demeanor changed and how she was crying later that day. I have never felt so guilty about anything in my life. I had no idea, so of course I couldn't have known any better, but Jesus Christ I feel like such a horrible fuckup, especially since I also have PTSD so I know exactly how she felt that day. :(
**TL;DR** I triggered my mother's stalking/rape memories/PTSD with anime and I will probably never forgive myself.
Edit: yes, username relevant
Edit 2: I should probably have mentioned that my mom loves dark stuff and is a huge Junji Ito fan. If I'd shown up with Totoro she would have laughed and told me to get something else. The problem was that Perfect Blue hit her specific triggers (stalking/rape), which I had no idea about. PTSD triggers can be really specific and I managed to pick a movie that hit hers *precisely.* It was just shitty luck.
theherbetologist: jesus christ, why would you show your mom a rape anime anyways....idk your relationships w your mom but me personally that would be like showing my parents true detective or something dark like that...what happened to like dragonball z or lupin the 3rd.....or something humorous and actiony
ihavesomeregrets: Nah my mom and I watch stuff like that all the time. She's a HUGE fan of True Detective and Hannibal too. She even likes Game of Thrones.
The problem with Perfect Blue is that it was too close to what happened to her, so it triggered her PTSD. She doesn't normally mind violence, and I had no reason to believe that this would affect her.
I mean yeah, I fucked up horribly, but she wouldn't have minded Perfect Blue at all if she hadn't been a victim, it's exactly the sort of film she likes. She doesn't really care for the funny stuff, I mean, she reads Junji Ito...
Edit: also Perfect Blue isn't a "rape anime".
Bladiebladje: I really don't think you don't anything wrong, you simply couldn't have known... I've been in a pretty similar situation with my mom (don't feel like going into details about this, but she's also a journalist lol) and when I apologized she said it was pretty silly of me to feel sorry.
If it really bothers you that much, maybe find a good moment for it, but you don't want to trigger her obviously, so maybe you should just rationalize it and realize that it was completely out of your control.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1409100521 | 1409189367 | t3_2eojfb | t5_2to41 | 3 | ThisIsFunIGuess: TIFU by smashing my girlfriends ipod into her vagina
Az-chan: Nearly shellshocked just cause you hit her in the vajayjay with your ipod....what is she 16?
ThisIsFunIGuess: Nah man, she's 19. She just got really scared and upset because I looked like I was mad or some shit and doing it to maliciously hurt her. I dunno if it comes from some unknown previous experience or not.
Az-chan: Yeah,there must be more to it cause that's not a normal reaction. You should play the supportive boyfriend card and ask her about it. Cause if my bf did that to me I'd just play bite him and then we'll laugh about it. Oh well,hope you guys sort things out,and be careful what you do with that ipod dude lol
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409102032 | 1409102998 | t3_2eolw7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | throWay33333: TIFU by being a prankster husband horndog
Woke up this morning. Hear the shower is on... I'm not usually a morning sex kinda guy, but hey, its Tuesday. I open the door trying not to laugh. Consider stripping down, but figure I'd go with the classic peak my head in and stare til she notices I'm there. CLASSIC.
So I peak my head in, she's got soap in her eyes... I'm trying to hold in my laughter... then I notice she's maybe put on some weight lately... or maybe I'm just morning groggy... but wait her hair is also almost blond but my wife has black hair. Look at the face again through the soap... its her best friend. GULP. Somehow I figure this out before she gets the soap out her eyes and I bale out the bathroom without a sound.
I know most of you are thinking "how is this a fuck up", but I love my wife. To make things worse, I've known her best friend twice as long (she actually introduced the two of us) and for w/e reason, her best friend told her that we had a thing in college. We never had a thing in college, and although she's pretty good looking, she's the kind of person who would tell her best friend that we had a thing in college when we didn't.
So I go back to bedroom. Sit on the bed head in hand hoping this is just some stupid dream... when I realize... where is my wife? Find her in our spare room changing and horrified I explain to her what happens... she thinks its the funniest thing she's ever heard. PHEW.
So the weird part... the friend had no idea cos she had soap face and I snuck out like a level 11 ninja... and my wife told me we shouldn't tell her. I feel half guilty not telling her and half let down cos its a great story and all I do now is share it with you random strangers, but mainly... is it weird to not tell her?
zoidberg1339: How hot is the friend?
throWay33333: solid 7/10
zoidberg1339: *Nice*
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409102206 | 1409150912 | t3_2eom5v | t5_2to41 | 137 | [deleted]: TIFU By moving my bed NSFW
This is my first post and I know my grammar sucks, so please feel free to correct me.
Here is some back story: I'm an 18 year old boy and I just started my first year of college. I still live at home with my parents and today I decided to purchase a desk for my room.
So my dad and I carry up the desk to my room and we start to rearrange some stuff so I can put my desk in front of a window. Now it's time to move my bed. Seeing as I'm a teenage boy and I tend to whack off every once in a while I sometimes have to clean myself up with a sock. For some reason instead throwing away the sock or cleaning it, etc. I threw it under my bed and they built up after a while. Today I forgot they were there because I have had a girlfriend for a couple months now and I find I don't have to choke the chicken that often. Now we move my bed about three or four feet and next thing you know my dad is walking through a mountain of socks. He then says, **"Wow are you saving these for something special?"** and then bends down and grabs a hand full. In that moment I felt my balls get sucked back into my body all while my dad was felling the crusty remains of his potential grand-kids. He then walked out of the room looking as white as a ghost. This happened maybe 15 minutes ago. By the way I'm sitting at my desk enjoying the view out my window.
TL;DR I bought a desk. Rearranged my room with my dad. He then finds and picks up my crusty cum socks.
I know this is another masturbation story in TIFU, but this is my first post and I thought I would start it off with a fuck up.
binkreads: I did a voice-over of your post. Please take a listen and tell me what you think.
Thanks,
Jacob.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I30QTFA8vps&feature=youtu.be
PattySa: I listened to it and I thought you did a fantastic job. The background music helped too.
binkreads: Thanks!
If you fuck up again, I'll be sure to cover it.
Jacob.
D0ng0nzales: Hi jacob
| 5 | 27.4 | |
1409101152 | 1409111944 | t3_2eokgu | t5_2to41 | 6 | NoHorseShitWang: TIFU by trying to scratch my left ball while pissing, losing control of my stream and soaking the leg of a co-worker.
I was standing there doing my thing when a guy walks in. I had a crazy itch on my ball that needed attending. I figured I could try and scratch discretely. I was wrong. I was trying not to look like I was stroking my dong and instead lost my grip and nailed this guys leg. The center divider was kind of high so it was from the knee down. Luckily we both had a good laugh after an extensive apology. It is pretty awkward however because I've only talked to the guy once...
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: Maybe pay for the dry cleaning?
BumpNRun18: it's the least he can do.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409101764 | 1409103952 | t3_2eolh4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | TIFUthrowitout: TIFU by telling a very easy to verify blacked out lie.
so i live in a house with a bunch of awesome people, and we have a few new mutual friends who ive grown close with, one shall be named girl1. My girlfriend decided a while ago that we would have to try an open relationship and i didnt really have a choice so i went along with it. girl1 used to date one of my roommates and now does not. it has come to my attention that we had the hots for each other so i suggested that we try hooking up after drinking at a party down the street. we came back here and tried making out for a little while and ended up stopping and just talking about guy2 who she used to date and my SO and getting upset and crying and agreeing to just remain friends. after this happened i proceeded to continue drinking copious amount, and when asked about the encounter by a roommate (guy22) i said that we did in fact actually hook up to completion. I have no memory of this whatsoever, I am aware that that is not a justification or a reason what so EVER AT ALL. This then obviously and quickly got back to the source and i have been called out on it from all sides. i deal badly with emotional stress and resort to drinking, so its understood that maybe i do foolish things from time to time. I do not, however, have a reputation for being a liar, so this is actually really really shitty to feel. help?
drifterramirez: Your girlfriend can't not leave you with a choice. She can't force an open relationship on you.
Red flags.
TIFUthrowitout: more concerned with how i should deal with this fucked up bullshit thing i did.
edit: yeah youre right though.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409100663 | 1409144859 | t3_2eojo7 | t5_2to41 | -5 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting a bomb on a bus in my childhood
I moved to Florida when I was about 11, I lived with my mom, I had been making friends for a while now, 2 years later, I was 13 and video games were a huge thing, mainly GTA: San Andreas. Everyone played it, shared rumors.
Well, the school had some budget cuts, so the bus I rode on went from 12 people, to being a full school bus with a new bus driver too. She didn't like me.
One of the new kids on the bus liked video games too. We talked about them every day on the way home. One day when we were talking, he said, "I know how how to make a bomb" (the subject being GTA.) I said "yeah, it's a Molotov, gasoline in a bottle with a rag in it"
Bus driver flips her shit, saying I put a bomb on the bus, freaking out, kicks me off the bus 3 miles from home.
Next day, school is canceled for "admin day" SWAT team shows up at my house while my mom is gone for work. I have been fast asleep since school was cancelled. So I wake up to the front door being kicked in and SWAT rushing in, they have guns pointed at me, clearing the rooms, yelling, all hell was breaking loose. My mom get called while the bomb squad is searching my house and when she gets back they question her and I separately. I had to explain the whole situation.
The school ended up being shut down for another day to continue the search, and I was suspended until further notice. 3 days later, I had been expelled for disorderly conduct.
TL;DR: I ended talking about a bomb while on a school bus, got school shut down, SWAT called, and expelled from school.
CocoLeFleur: Perhaps someone should explain the concept behind 'TODAY, I fucked up'?
Random_Expletive: Perhaps someone should explain to you that Most of the good stories on this thread did not happen within 24 hours of the post being written.
CocoLeFleur: Then those stories do not belong on this sub. I am a purist.
Random_Expletive: You are a special kind of person
CocoLeFleur: Thank you so much! My momma always said i was special.
LAZODIAC: *Special*... Heh.
CocoLeFleur: Need a dictionary?
LAZODIAC: Nope, besides [this proves you wrong, ass.](http://imgur.com/r76bUS2) It is YOU who doesn't belong in this sub.
Did you also go to a *special* school?
CocoLeFleur: Prove me wrong? How do you prove wrong my opinion that this sub should only have stories that happened today?
You are simple.
LAZODIAC: You never said it was your opinion, you simply stated the fact that posts that did not happen today shouldn't be here. Of course, by fact I mean what you thought was a fact.
gamemaniac999: Dude you're wasting your time.
LAZODIAC: Thank you for your concern, but no. I'm actually pretty bored, and arguing is, strangely, one of my favorite things to do. Sorry if I sound like an ass, that's the last thing I'd like. Anyway, I already dropped it, you'll see if you continue reading. Thanks again.
| 13 | -0.384615 | |
1409103288 | 1409171149 | t3_2eonvw | t5_2to41 | 74 | McpxPhantom: TIFU: By inviting a girl over for sex before school.
Now like many post on here, this happened in the past.
Way back one year ago for me, so my junior year I invite a girl to come over for sex at 6am till 7am. I would use the rest of the time to get ready to go to school, so I had it all planned... Well come time she sneaks into my room. I would leave the door unlocked the night before so she could walk into my house and sneak into bed with me. While I was still asleep she would come in, we organized it this way since we only lived a few apartments away from each other. She comes into my room when she is ready (a nice BJ for an alarm clock) anyways so after an hour of the romp (being quiet as possible of course) I'm getting ready to get off her, and of course, my mother comes in to check if I'm going to school(I had a habit of sleeping passed my alarms) So I'm there dick out, her completely naked with her clam out, and a load of 'miracle whip' all over her belly for my mother to see.... She didn't lock the fucking door!! So I look back, hang my head in shame, and stay quite for a while as I know no words could save me now, she of course freaks out, so does my lady friend. She is smearing the 'love juices' all over my blankets (great because I want my own jizz where I sleep and cover myself with at night). My mother then fetches my father from bed, during this I tell my lady friend to get ready so we can leave as quickly as possible. so we do and my parents try to keep us and yell at us the whole time, I shove her through the door along with myself.. The drive to school was filled with awkward laughter.
So long story short, I fucked up by letting my neighbor sneak into my room to have sex, only to have a good morning by my parents.
On mobile sorry for errors
Edit: of course when I came back I got a grounding of a life time... No phone, no computer, no door to lock lol. I had been picked up and dropped off from school everyday. Also got my keys to my car taken away... Wasn't very fun. When I bring it up, they get mad, I think its funny to look back on it now.
Edit2: I've come to the conclusion that my parents are different than most based off of your guys' comments. Not because they drag me into their more 'personal' issues, but because they act strict compared to most.
awokenx: Why do Parents make such a big deal out of stuff like this? Its just sexy time.
McpxPhantom: Well, shortly before or after, I had been called up to the dean for having sex with 5 other girls, who then fought each other over me, literally! Which is why i got called up to the dean, they all said it was my fault, and it was but it takes two to tango.. The dean was female so she sides with them.That was an interesting talk with my dean... She called me a monster and a predator for "violating young defenseless girls" and that she was going to have the coach remove me from the wrestling team... And of course kick me out if it ever happened again.... So why does this matter? Well my parents have this thing about 'ethics' and 'morals' and they go overboard with that. They claim that no one in my family would "ever do that stupid shit that you did" and to go on to say, "do you not think? Is there something wrong with you?" "You're just a cheap slut that doesn't respect anyone, not even himself" And little mean stuff like that lol. But I did push their buttons hard while I was grounded... So that's why my parents do xD I'm sure most dads would say "good job"? Idk I have traditional Mexican parents.
awokenx: I guess i can be quite happy with my Parents, they are neither conservative nor super strict when it comes to that topic, they have a mindset which is like "if you want it to do it but deal with the consequences if there are any". And i bet your Father probably would've done the same stuff at this Age if he could've or maybe he also did but didnt tell anybody about it.
McpxPhantom: He had me when he was 17
awokenx: go make him some grandchildren i guess he would like them xd
SJHammer: Gotta keep up family tradition.
| 7 | 10.571429 | |
1409103722 | 1409104963 | t3_2eoom7 | t5_2to41 | 20 | anman789: TIFU By Letting My Friend Use My IPad (NSFW)
So this just happened about 10 minutes ago and I'm laughing my ass off about it. I don't think he uses Reddit, if he does who cares, and Nick if you see this - this is 100% legit.
So my friend, we'll call him C decides to come over. We hang out for a bit, I order a pizza, he's just mucking around with my DS and IPad. Now me being stupid, I had forgotten to delete some of the history on my phone so he found some porn. No biggie, I'm a guy he's a guy who gives a fuck if he knows I watch porn.
So a little later he's messing around with my IPad, and says he needs to use the bathroom. Heres some background; his house is a very unprivate place. What I mean is that he pretty much has no secured privacy anywhere the way his family is, only a certain specific times will he be able to do certain.....things.
So he's in there for a good 40 minutes. I was able to play a game of fucking League whilst he was in there. I, wanting to assume the best, assume it was the pizza. He gets back, tosses my IPad on the bed, and heads out a little bit later.
5 or so minutes after he leaves, I go into the bathroom. Everything looks fine, but what prompted me to check shit out in the first place is that I hadn't deleted the history on my IPad, so why did he?
Everything looks normal, but I was sure something went on. I decide everything is normal, and lift up the seat to take a piss. Thats when I see it. Under the seat was fresh, erm, baby mayonnaise. Yeah, I was extremley lucky not to have touched it when I lifted up the seat, ran out to the hall and grabbed a pair of gloves, enough toliet paper to choke a horse, and got rid of that shit. Luckily it went down the toliet, I was fearful as fuck for an overflow. Lesson learned; don't lend C my Ipad.
TL;DR; My friend took my IPad to the bathroom, jerked off in my bathroom. Had to clean Jizz he left under the toliet seat.
EDIT 1; I don't go on Redtube. Was searching "Reddit", but as soon as I put in Red, it showed up with Redtube. Checkm8.
BHS94: I like you mention his name is Nick then you refer to him as C.
anman789: Nick is a different person, another redditer on TIFU sometimes, saying he if he sees this. Nick =/= C XD
BHS94: Well, I'm dumb then my bad.
| 4 | 5 | |
1409107240 | 1409157641 | t3_2eou7q | t5_2to41 | 1 | setheryjones32: Tifu by procrastinating
You can tell by the title that I procrastinated a little to much, which led to the fuckup you came to read.
Basically I was playing this game, hearthstone, and not doing my homework. My dad comes in and tells me to do it, I say to give me a minute, but in a rather ducking way.
This led to him turning off my computer, and me grabbing his arm to stop him, his girlfriend comes in and starts screaming at me for not respecting them, and not doing well in school( it's the first week of school). Said I hadn't missed an assignment, which was true, and we went back and forth for a while, and basically I said I was leaving to go to my moms house, and they didn't like that. That led to more yelling. I walk out into the driveway to avoid confrontation, and to wait for my mom. As I was waiting, he came out and told me I was killing him, and that I was the stress that caused all 4 of his strokes. That it was my fault he was going to be dying here soon.
Dear reddit, I fucked up.
democracy4sale: dude you gotta take care of your parents man. even if they act retarded. Stress is a real killer, no joke.
postwhileiwork: this is true but nothing justify someone treating his own son like that. so no
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1409107645 | 1409129637 | t3_2eouwk | t5_2to41 | 43 | chanpooka: TIFU by leaving my wallet out...
So I was in my room in a Skype call with my buddies and my mom walks in. She picks up my wallet and sees the cheap glow in the dark condom I bought at the Lion's Den. Rather than receiving a scolding, she replied with "Why are you using this cheap shit??"
Later, her and my stepdad return home and say they have a present for me. Being anxious, I rushed into the living room to find a box of ribbed Trojans in the bag..
What has my life become...?
8YearOldCodPlayer: question is how does she know ur size?
NocaCola: He broke his arms last summer.
Source- am one buddy
Fistdeepinyou: Fair game on that penis when the arm is broke
trampabroad: There should be a bot, like GodwinBot, that times how long it takes for a thread to make a broken arms reference.
angypangy: Where does the reference come from? I'm new to reddit
insufferableninja: AMA from a while ago, with a dude that had a sexual relationship with his mom. Apparently it started when he broke both his arms, and was frustrated at not being able to jerk off, so his mom gave him a handjob - and things progressed from there. I'll see if I can find the link.
Edit: Link
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1409107844 | 1409108925 | t3_2eov82 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Iyoten: TIFU by accidentally uninstalling Microsoft Office.
Khromix: what the fuck
CokeZeroThrowaway: You said it best.
I have had a day wasted because I accidentally installed the wrong visual studio, but office is a home comparatively!
| 3 | 1 | |
1409108904 | 1409109955 | t3_2eowu4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | MilkCum: TIFU by accidentally eating my own cum
BluePois01n: how'd it taste
Silentintentions: The one thing every man wants to know, but never wants to find out for themselves
wylin247: agreed
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409110212 | 1409110832 | t3_2eoysa | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a dead baby joke to my pregnant girlfriend
Now I'm sitting at Applebee's as she cries. I am not a smart man.
TooFewSecrets: What was the joke?
MarkovManiac: Asking the important questions. I like it.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409111306 | 1409114127 | t3_2ep0ea | t5_2to41 | 12 | weiner_cleaner: TIFU by miscommunicating with my grandma
This is a fresh TIFU. Happened about 15 minutes ago. Me and my friend were going up to my grandma's cottage tomorrow. I called her saying that were where going to take the 7:44 train to Toronto and the 9:10 train to Barrie. My grandma said she'd pick us up at Barrie when we arrive at 11:30. Everything was groovy. Then I got a call from her about 15 minutes ago asking if we were close. I said I was at home and we were leaving tomorrow morning. My grandma came to get us at 11:30 pm when we were arriving at 11:30 am. She had driven out about 2 hours to pick us up in Barrie and we weren't there. I feel like absolute shit right now. No one wants that to happen to their grandma. :(
Jgglvr: Ouch.. I'd feel terrible for making her drive 4hrs for nothing and then another 4 right back again the next day.
Next time emphasize pm from am! Live and learn
BluePois01n: Agreed, I'd feel terrible if I were in that situation... poor grandma :(
| 3 | 4 | |
1409111476 | 1409149575 | t3_2ep0mr | t5_2to41 | 19 | kleptoisamaniac: TIFU by giving someone directions
Earlier this morning I went to my high school for my cross country practice like I do everyday. But this morning I forget my watch at home. Not a problem, I'll just time myself with my phone. My knees had been hurting so my coach told me to just run around the school for 30 minutes while everyone went out and ran a long course. So after a few laps around the school a guy pulls over in his car and asks for directions. I get on the other side of his car and talk to him from his passenger side window. I give him directions but then he asks if he can call his brother with my phone really quick. Immediately I thought something was wrong. I politely tell him no and I point again which direction for him to go, I did not notice my hand, with the phone in it, was near the window as I looked in the other direction. He leans over and snatches the phone from my hand and quickly drives away down the road. I had no time to react and it took me a second to comprehend what happened. So now he has my phone and its unlocked. The only thing I could think to do was quietly say to myself "Are you fucking serious?" as he got away.
Also, this happened to another kid from my school about 10 minutes before me and about 2 blocks away.
Fistdeepinyou: Use findmyiphone... I believe it takes pictures of his face once you activate it.
kleptoisamaniac: I tried, it said my phone was offline :(
dablissest: Make sure to enable Lost Mode in case it comes online.
kleptoisamaniac: I did, thanks for the tip!
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1409095488 | 1409144527 | t3_2eob1k | t5_2to41 | 6 | I_Miss_Claire: TIFU by going into class a little early.
Well, today is Tuesday and the first day for 3 of the 4 classes I'm taking at my college, the first two classes went without incident and didn't have any problems. At the end of my 2nd class for the day, he let us out a little early, so I got to my 3rd and final class of the day early as well.
I eventually figured out where the classroom was and knew that the class didn't start til 2pm, but it was 1:45. I patiently waited outside the door thinking that it was a class still in progress. I waited for about a minute when I heard the professor doing attendance, and in my experience, that's usually at the beginning of class. Well, I got confused, I knew my class was starting at 2, but at this point it was 1:50 and it didn't look like they were done. So I figured maybe I was just a little late and decided to walk in. I open up the door, and find that every seat except for about 3 was filled with black people. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but as a very tall, lanky, white guy, it was just a *bit* awkward.
I took a seat right in the front row and the professor continued to do the attendance. The list of names was being projected from his computer, and I tried to see if my last name was up there, unfortunately the list didn't go down far enough to show the list for my last name, it was on page two. So, I had to sit and wait to see if I was on this list and saw that I wasn't. As he finished up attendance he said that class was dismissed and that if anyone had any questions, they could come up to him and ask.
Well, I went up to him and asked if it was my class and he responded with "No, this is Black Experience Class" and I thanked him and walked out of the room.
I didn't even know that was a class, and of all classes to walk in, it had to be that. Turns out, if I had waited a few more minutes I would've realized that they were just running a bit late.
BumpNRun18: first day a lot of professors read the syllabus then do attendance, sucks it bit you. Fresman i presume? (not that there is anything wrong with that)
I_Miss_Claire: No actually, it's my 3rd year.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409114268 | 1409160018 | t3_2ep4j5 | t5_2to41 | 805 | BeepBeepGuy: TIFU by showing off my erect penis to my female teacher (multiple times) (on purpose) [NSFW]
Well it happened many years ago when I was in the fifth grade. Like many other fifth grade boys I was at the beginning of the wild ride that is puberty, and had begun getting something I didn't really understand: boners. I also really liked wearing sweat pants back then, cause sweat pants are comfy as fuck. To those of you who don't know, when a guy gets a boner in sweat pants, there aren't many ways of hiding it. For some reason the teacher would have us sit on a carpet in one corner of the room all the time, so I spent a lot of time sitting cross legged. At least 2-3 times a week during the fifth grade I would be sitting cross legged, get a boner, have something along the lines of "I need to show [Teacher's Name] that I can love", then sit back and push my hips out expose my boner, pitching my sweat pants into a tent for the whole world to see. At the time, I didn't realise what the actual fuck I was doing, but now it recently occurred to me that I was being creep.
fuck_you_thats_who: Did it ever occur to you that if you'd jammed a crayon down your pipe you could have maintained that erection for her viewing pleasure all day long?
RainbowCheez: Who the fuck do you think you are?
fuck_you_thats_who: Just read the name.
kqwtz: rekt
JudgeMx52: erekt
verytryhard: this is a win on so many levels
10/10 sir
bookerdewittt: Are you even trying?
j33pwrangler: "It was ok." -IGN
9.5/10
| 9 | 89.444444 | |
1409113249 | 1409151739 | t3_2ep367 | t5_2to41 | 45 | Null_Nill: TIFU by relieving myself without checking behind me.
Reddit, today I fucked up. Oh, and don't mind the possible poor English.
/u/Null_Nill is 16, the bright age of sexuality and being horny. I woke up with my morning (rather afternoon_ wood, early sprout, mornin' borner, however you want to call it, and decided to relieve myself of it in the most enjoyable way possible: masturbating.
I looked to my left and forward on the couch I slept on, however I was groggy and did not look behind the head-rest of the couch. I decided to whip it out, and I tugged at it a few times before I heard a quite moan of disbelief. I put my dick away faster than a hawk divin' on its prey, and looked behind me to see my 7 year old brother on his computer looking at me in *utter terror.* I sat there silent for what felt like an hour, and said: "It is uhm... natural." My brother said, "No..." and got up and left.
This was at 5 pm because I went on an all-nighter, but that isn't the point. My brother refuses to speak to me. I'll edit when/if anything happens.
God save me.
Edit:
Alright guys, he told my mother and my mother just laughed and told my father who gave me the birds and the bees talk.
BluePois01n: Your brother will understand when he becomes of age if not now, but still I'd be pretty scarred for life if I were in his shoes.
bumbleeds: no...
| 3 | 15 | |
1409115138 | 1409117844 | t3_2ep5o9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | FrontPageKarmaTrain: TIFU by spilling an iced tea on a kid
So I work as a 2nd waiter/bar runner at a fairly high end restaurant. My job is to help the waiters and bartenders. A drink order comes in, bartender makes it, I throw a fruit, stir, straw, whatever is needed. Then I have 2 options, 1. Bring it to the waiter or 2. Serve it myself.
This order I brought to the waiter. It consisted of 3 iced teas, one bottle of flat water, one sparkling water, and 2 glasses of red wine. The waiter takes the wine and waters off and tells me the iced teas are for the kids. I should mention it was a group of 20. I start serving them. The first one goes off without a hitch like normal. While I am serveing the second iced tea, the third one on the tray falls over and partially lands on the kid I am serving the second one to.
I realized I fucked up. I apologize a few times, then skidaddle to grab a stack of napkins. I hand them over and apologize again. 2 waiters were there and didn't notice anything.
I run to the back to get a mop because there is a sea of iced tea on the floor. I run to the spot where the mop usually is and it isn't there. A manager and two waiters still haven't realized my fuck up and it is like 5 minutes after I ice bucket challenged this poor kid in iced tea. I find a mop at the other side of the restaurant. I grab it, rinse it, then go back to the crash site and clean it up.
To my surprise, no one but the people at the table knew of my fuck up. Not the waiter who worked the table. Not the waiter who was helping him. Not even my manager who is a little crazy. I got away scot free but I felt like shit the whole night.
#TLDR I accidentally Ice Bucket challenge a kid with a glass of iced tea.
kamany: I had a waitress spill 3 big plastic coke cups of water, 2 bloody mary's, and 1 pitcher of orange juice on me once. The removal champagne for the Mimosas was what started this torrential downpour...
FrontPageKarmaTrain: Shit that must have sucked. I kinda feel better it wasn't worse. But I still feel like shit.
kamany: Haha, it was pretty shocking, but they gave me some free drinks... So all was forgiven.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409113219 | 1409120017 | t3_2ep34o | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by tripping on LSD
Britches_and_Hose: Sounds like everyone here just overreacted a bit. But yeah gotta keep your phone charged, you never know if someone needs to call you for an emergency, not that you would've been able to do anything.
> forces me to choose her or friends, I choose friends
That was the right choice, you should never cut yourself from your friends to be with one girl. That is unless all your friends are deadbeat junkies, but that's not the case.
Sounds like you had a good trip, totally worth it.
theherbetologist: Absolutely, and my friends are all diligent, highly motivated and ambitious college students so we are definitely not deadbeats, but I definitely know the type you are referencing!
| 3 | 2 | |
1409120265 | 1409124972 | t3_2epbpx | t5_2to41 | 10 | nobonermesad: TIFU by being unable to goku charge my dick
TIFUthetruestory: OP is actually 11 years old and has not had sex with anyone. He and his 8 year old brother wrote this piece of speculative fiction to practice using all the dirty words they knew.
nobonermesad: http://puu.sh/b9KMC/399710e4c8.JPG
yuss I am 11 yrs old!! do I look yung enuff???
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409120656 | 1409126987 | t3_2epc39 | t5_2to41 | 3 | DD225: TIFU By Not Completely Closing the Refrigerator Door
iandw: Wait until you get your electricity bill. :(
Teotwawki69: Which will actually be lower...
| 3 | 1 | |
1409121031 | 1409190095 | t3_2epch1 | t5_2to41 | 606 | [deleted]: TIFU by becoming best friends with a prostitute. Likely-NSFW
I'm going to try to include as much detail as I can, but not all. My "bestie" is a little embarrassed and feels bad about the story.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So couple years back a long-term girlfriend dumped me. Hard. I was grief stricken for weeks up until my friends bachelor party. The party was your typical bachelor party. They got a limo, plenty of booze, and of course, a strip club. I still felt bad about my ex, but tried to happy for my friend, with a little help from alcohol. Oh wait did I type a little? Because I meant a **LOT** of help.
Anyways later that night, one of the grooms men surprised the groom with a prostitute. Let's call her Dian from here. Dian gave a us a show and took the groom into a different room a little R&R, but I couldn't care less about what was going on so I just said I was tried and went back to my room to watch tv.
Later, at the best mans place by the way, about 11 minutes after Dian and the groom left for some fun, I heard a door close and a sigh. I went and saw that it was Dian. I asked what happened, seeing as we had paid her for an hour, and she said that the groom passed out 8 minutes in and she didn't want to stick around doing nothing for 50 minutes. Before she was about leave, she asked if I need some "company". I was drunk and sex-deprived and didn't care so I said "Fuck it, let's go." And we went at it for a little over a half hour. After we finished she thanks and was about to leave until she notice the tv.
I was watching the show Supernatural and she asked if I was a fan. I said yeah and as it turns out, she was a big fan of it as well. One thing to another and we ended up watching almost a entire season laughing and talking along the way. Before she had to leave I suggested we do it again sometime. She said "Totally!" And told me where I could find her and she left. For next few months we got together for the same routine: Sex, Netflix, and occasionally take-out. Along the way we got to know each other.
I found out that she ran away from home at a young age and didn't have much in the way of jobs. She only became a prostitute to help support herself and evens planned on quitting as soon she saved enough money to go back to school and become a psychiatrist. In fact she told that the only reason she asked me in the first place was because from what she learned from studying, she could apparently tell from the way I was acting that I needed some to make me feel better. I would've been insulted if it weren't true. Soon it got to the point where we started hanging out just in general. Movies, lunches, etc. She even joins me and the guys from the party for drinks. From then on I didn't even have to pay! We became, as she put, BFWBs. (Best friends with benefits)
Now I know you're wondering when the fuck up comes in. Well you see, not only was I her best friend, but I was also her favorite customer for a time. To the point where she rejected other clients over me. And unfortunately, that included a frequent client who was an ex-Navy officer. You can probably tell where this is going. Apparently he had seeing her for almost 4 months and she was his favorite and didn't want anyone else to have her. Her "co-workers" had been telling that she was with other clients, however he started getting there earlier to if it were true and he noticed that she would get in the same car. **MY** car.
So one night, I was waiting for her. She said she missed her bus and had walk. A while later when she got there; I had let her into my car and **BAM**!!! Right in the kisser. The guy had gotten the drop on me and laid me right on the ground. Dian had tried to help, but he pushed her aside, lifted me up, and threaten me to leave her alone. Not wanting to back down, I got him in square in the chest to deal some pain. I got a few more good shots in, but again with him being ex-military and me being a amateur writer from West Philly, it was as well as it should.
Once again knocking me down, almost for good that time, he started kicking the hell out of me and it wasn't until one of her friends got him with a high-volt taser that him stopped. We called cops, she took me to the hospital, and that was that. Okay I had a semi-cracked cranium from when he banged my head into a car, fractured ribs from the kicks of hell, and a $850 optometrist bill thanks to a pleasent punch to the face, but all in all I would say it was all worth it. The Navy guy is in jail, I'm semi-recovered from my injuries, and she's in school.
We still hang out all the time, we even live together! Which great seeing as she doesn't have to be a call girl anymore and we can support each other. I help her with school, and helps me with my writing. She really is a great person and I couldn't imagine my life without her. Although I could do without the hopistal bills...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**EDIT:** I suppose it not exactly a TIFU, but more of a tale I wanted to share, and "Dian" and I thought this would be a good place to post. And if it means anything, I did had to go to court clear up some details about my relationship with Dian. If you know what I mean... Prostitution laws and all.
**EDIT 2:** This is by no means an example of my writing skill. This is just a story I wanted to tell.
TexasTango: For being a writer some of that was hard to read.
Redditnoddler: It was 1 in the morning when posted this. Give me a little leeway.
[deleted]: You lying idiot. [OP was 13 a year ago](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/18ag1s/hi_there/c8d229t), your writing would suck at any time of day because you are a stupid kid.
Edit: Looks like OP deleted the thread I linked, glad I took a [screenshot](http://i.imgur.com/iEMkbaf.jpg).
Alex_Rose: Unless that thread was his own selfpost before it got deleted, I don't see why that would actually indicate he's 13.
Watch:
I'm thirteen.
^ That doesn't make me 13. What if it was like "im 12 and what is this"
[deleted]: If you believe this story is grounded in reality then I don't know what to tell you. This is a ridiculously embellished TIFU as it stands and there are a ton of red flags that give the overall impression that it's a bunch of shit. Add that to his comment history and I just can't believe that it's true.
Alex_Rose: I'm not saying I believe the story, I just also don't immediately assume he's 13 just because he said that once in a comment about spacedicks. Context is everything, and we don't have the context because the OP got deleted.
NoddingKing: Someone else just posted a screenshot of his posts before he editted them, [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2epch1/tifu_by_becoming_best_friends_with_a_prostitute/ck1vgsl)
cockassFAG: That doesn't show the context of the comment in question...
Also it's not "someone else," it's the top parent of this thread
NoddingKing: The bit where he says "Oh by the way I'm 13", or something like that.
Either he was fucking prostitutes before his 13th birthday, or this story is made up.
cockassFAG: Do you know what context means? They want to see what comment he replied to when he said he's 13. Because it likely wasn't serious
NoddingKing: Ahh sorry, I see what you mean now - my bad!
| 12 | 50.5 | |
1409121531 | 1409123060 | t3_2epcxl | t5_2to41 | 66 | burgerlover69: TIFU by trying to flirt with a cute girl, and then getting punched by her.
it's pretty straight forward but i feel like shit about it. at the risk of sounding like a douche, i find that poking fun at girls with a mild insult when i first meet them tends to work in my favour and i can usually get a laugh. i am no prize pig looks wise so i rely on humour. anyway, we'd had a few drinks and my group of friends started talking to a group of girls... one of my friends said something to her and she responded with "i'm definitely too old for you guys"... i'm 26 and we were at a college bar, so i was stoked to meet girls who weren't 19. she said she was 25, i asked if she was married. she said "do i have a ring?!" (no.) and i jokingly said "oh god, what are you doing here?! the clock is ticking!". before i could reveal i was older than her and also alone and miserable, i was punched in the chest. and then again by her friend. my intentions were good but the damage was done.
tl;dr: tried to pick up a girl by telling her that her biological clock was ticking; i'm still single.
[deleted]: You didn't punch her back?
burgerlover69: i think i accidentally punched her in the insecurities
[deleted]: Well boohoo. Doesn't give her the right to go around striking people. Swirly that bitch (and her butch friend).
hello_peter: But if I can't batter the women
How the fuck am I supposed to bake them a cake then?
| 5 | 13.2 | |
1409120423 | 1409576609 | t3_2epbvt | t5_2to41 | 16 | OffTheGridAndy: TIFU by taking a bath
So first, some backstory: I am 62 years old, have four children, and twelve grand kids. I live with my ex-wife (long story), my second oldest son, and my teenage grandson.
This story happened a few years ago. I was home alone, and everyone in the house was guaranteed to be gone all day. So I decided I would smoke a doobie and get in my ex-wife's jacuzzi. I left the door open as it was kind of a hot day and I wasn't interested in a sauna. Plus nobody home. While I was bathing in her tub, I had the urge to "crank one out" so to speak. So I do that for a bit, and as I'm reaching climax, I hear footsteps. I stop masturbating, but as I was already so close, I'm at the point of no return. I then see my 11 year old grand daughter peek her head in the bathroom looking for my ex-wife. We made eye contact right as I finished. She saw too as my exploding boner was sticking out of the water. She screamed and left.
I later learned her and my ex-wife (her grandmother) had plans together that day, and my ex-wife failed to cancel those plans after she engaged in her other plans. So really, it's my ex-wife's fault and not my granddaughter's.
But ugh holy shit. I finished to my fucking grand kid. Oh my fucking shit was that traumatic. She thinks it's traumatic that she had to watch her grandpa cum? I had to orgasm to her image. Easily the worst thing I've ever finished to, and it took me a few weeks to masturbate again.
DeathBYwhale: I have autism lel
Eyakra: Is this the dyslexic mafia again? I have no relative called 'autism'. Stop calling.
DeathBYwhale: What?
DeathBYwhale: Soz lol someone stole ipad but what u said was really funny
Eyakra: Is this the unfortunately ironic mafia calling again? Would you consider hitting out the other guys? Go On. Please freaking do. I'll definitely, really write you a freaking cheque on that one. Ow! I just cut myself!
| 6 | 2.666667 |
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