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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1409120860 | 1409158628 | t3_2epcb0 | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a brownie before my Investment Banking interview.
I didn't get too much sleep the night before because of anxiety. I saw some brownies on the counter in the morning. Thought I'd eat it so that my stomach doesn't growl in one of my 5 back to back interviews that day.
I was on the subway there. Then I started feeling weird . It was a fucking edible. I never smoked marijuana in my life. I didn't know what the fuck was going on . My roommate made fucking edibles the night before. Fuck my life.
antennas_to_heaven: Well thank goodfulness you only ate one! (right?)
DreadedDreadnought: One is enough to fuck you up with no tolerance
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Fuck yo... I've tried muffins, brownies, joints and bongs but I haven't gotten high...
DreadedDreadnought: Did you only partake and not inhale?
I've never heard of anyone not getting (too) high after a brownie.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: No, I was trying very hard to get high.
Noting, each of those categories (foods, joints, bongs) were at separate events.
Apparently my eyes were bloodshot (and irritated) with the bongs, but that's all. I blamed the smoke (we were indoors). I did however get a bit light headed from the hookah that was there after everyone else was done with the bongs.
Barley12: I have a friend like this.
Ryan?
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Gerald Edwenth Fulamore the Second?!?
| 8 | 6.125 | |
1409122951 | 1409177934 | t3_2eped6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU having a one night stand with a MILF, without a condom
First of all, please excuse my english, it's not my firs language and this is my first post.
So i went on a trip for the weekend, one of my friends who is much older than me invites a friend of his who lives in the city i was visiting. We go out for dinner and my friend's friend comes with another girl, naturally i started talking to her, we had some drinks, then some shots, then i learned that she is 35years old and has two kids(i'm 25). Long story short we end up in my friend's friend apartment and when we star to get it on, i realise i don't have a condom, i tell her and she says don't worry let's just do it, i'm neither sick or want to get pregnant. so in my drunkness and i also smoked a bit of pot, i decided to go on with it, it was my first time with a MILF (she was very hot). The sex was amazing, dirty and sweaty, no one had talked to me so dirty in my entire life. she actually said please fill me up with your cum, it's ok don't worry my period starts tomorrow and i'll take a day after pill. so i did, twice...
by the next morning i had to get up early so i left and said bye, that was it or so i thought it was...
My friend went this weekend to the city we visited again and saw his friend again...
i meet up with him today and says kinda laughing, someone asked about you, and naturally i knew who he meant, the he goes on and says they want your phone number, should i give it to them and i was like hell no(i have a GF, please i know it is wrong to cheat, but it was a one time experience and it was purely sex). then came the bombshell, my friend says to me, dude the girl you had sex with, says she hasn't had her period, at the time i thought he was messing with me, but he never said it was a joke even when i asked him seriously.
So now i don't know if i'll have a baby with some girl who i only know by her first name, who is 35 years old with 2 other kids, divorced. i'm finishing college, have a GF who i love(yes i do, even with the cheating) and of course i don't want to know anything about this woman. i feel she played me, i don't even know if it's mine...
TL;DR: I had a one night stand with a MILF, cheated on my GF and now she says she hasn't had her period
pora_bee: You don't love her dude !!
You don't deserve to be in a relationship if u can't keep ur dick in ur pants!!
How would u of felt if that had to be ur chick with another guy !!
Maybe u should grow up and take responsibility for ur actions !!
Phone ur baby mama and sort ur shit out and tell ur girl asap !!!!
muxtaiter: OP isn't the most loyal bf, but his excuse is definitely legitimate. Animalistic sex is just that. It doesn't mean anything else. It is your animalistic natures coming out. It is the "id." It doesn't mean he doesn't love his gf. He could be ready to die for his gf and still "cheat" on her. Personally, I would never do it but it is definitely understandable.
pora_bee: I get what u are saying but let's be realistic ...
If you love someone you don't wanna Hurt them.. cheating on them is gna hurt them!!
Do u really think 1 night of pleasure is worth her finding out and hurting her and ending in a break up ...
What a way to love someone !!!
Why not have animalistic sex with her then !??
muxtaiter: Personally? Of course not. I would never cheat on my girlfriend, no matter how non-emotional or animalistic the sex can be. But it's just a point of view that, in my opinion, is fair enough and can be excusable.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1409126697 | 1409246124 | t3_2ephx3 | t5_2to41 | 976 | PooDiePie: TIFU By Not Washing My Penis
This is more of an entire life fuckup, that all became apparent in one day.
I remember when I was younger, my Dad always told me to wash underneath my foreskin, which was all well and good, but when I actually tried, the head of my penis was so sensitive that even the slightest rub would hurt a ridiculous amount. Eventually I gave up, and I just figured everything would magically get better as I went through puberty. I pretty much forgot about this, and my dad assumed I had been washing my penis properly for the last decade.
So, quite recently, I was trying to use a [Homemade Sex Toy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9e5GoVciKZA) when I was having trouble getting it in. Turns out the socks were too small, but I was reunited with the fact that the head of my penis is ridiculously fucking sensitive.
Like all good questions, I looked this up on the internet. I read that I'm supposed to be able to pull my foreskin all the way back over the glans, but this simply isn't possible as my skin is too tight. So my foreskin has just been sitting there, shielding the head of my penis for 17 years, and the nerves are hypersensitive, meaning it'll take a while for them to adjust to regular contact.
I was in the shower a bit later and decided I would try some of these stretching exercises that would allow me to retract my foreskin after a few weeks of stretching. (My phimosis isn't serious, I could always pull about halfway back, but never bothered to risk pulling any further.) Anyway, I managed to pull back a bit further than I ever had before and almost threw up at what I saw.
I remember my friends making jokes about dick cheese, and I just assumed it was semen that they were talking about. Turns out I was wrong, and this dick cheese (smegma) was very much a bigger part of me than I thought it was.
To put it into perspective, usually smegma is found as a slimy, white substance underneath the foreskin. MY smegma however, was a ring of hard, yellow crust, that had accumulated over the 17 years I haven't been washing my dick properly.
"Just wash it off" I hear you say, but that shit is as stuck as canned ham. I need to rub it in order to get the tiniest crumbs off, and that hurts, a lot.
I decided it might be easier if I took a warm bath and just let it soak for a few minutes before trying to get the stuff off. I still couldn't get any off by rubbing because it hurt so much, but I decided to shake around a little bit. Tiny, tiny flakes of smegma started coming off and filling the water around me, but this was nowhere near enough to get it all to come off.
My whole life of not cleaning my dick led up to this moment. Shaking my crusty dick around in the bathtub.
-----------------------------------
**tl;dr** Haven't washed my penis properly for my whole life. 17 years worth of yellow, crusty dick cheese accumulated under my foreskin.
I urge anyone who is intact and unaware of smegma accumulation to check their own penis. We should start an awareness campaign or some shit.
If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.
-----------------------------------------
**Edit**: So it's been an interesting day to say the least.
People at school were reading/talking about this post, their reactions were priceless. A few of them know it was me, but (I think and I hope) they're okay with it.
I just wanted to address a few things:
* I didn't notice any horrific stenches or odours emanating from my nether-regions. I just hope that this isn't because I've become immune to the smell of my own cheesy stick.
* I have never had a sexual partner, and maybe that's a good thing. Thank fuck I found it myself, before a lady-friend finds herself picking out bits of dried up skin and bodily secretions stuck between her teeth. THAT would be a fuckup and a half.
* Masturbation was never a problem, the foreskin always moved far enough for this, just never all the way back.
* I WON'T be posting pictures because I am under 18. Sorry, anybody who is here for that (WTF!?!?!?). If you want to see pictures just type 'smegma' into google, results are NSFW/perhaps NSFL.
* I noticed there is a bit of a reddit flame-war about circumcision. Personally, I hope I don't need to be circumcised for any reason. However, if you feel like you'd rather not have a foreskin than deal with bodily secretions, then that is up to you. I will stress that you should not feel pressured into getting the snip unless there is no other way to deal with the problem. It shouldn't be as simple as 'Just get it cut' because it is a big decision to make. Personally, I don't see any benefit in getting cut if I can properly wash myself.
* I like the idea of a viral 'smegma awareness challenge', but something tells me it just won't stick with the young ones of today.
Glad to see that some other people who haven't checked under there read this. Attention-seeking aside, one of the main reasons I posted this is to wake up other guys who may be unaware of what is potentially brewing in their fun-factory. I think this is an unfortunately untouched topic in sex education, assumed knowledge that some have never had the chance to learn. "This is a penis, some of you might be uncircumcised but that is fine. Always wear a condom" is all I really got out of sex education regarding my dick.
Thanks for the support if you gave any, and don't worry, I will take on Reddit's advice with skepticism. I don't think I will find myself rubbing nail polish remover all over my knob any time soon!
Fingers crossed that I can get this sorted ASAP. Looking forward to finally having a clean tool for the workshop.
Take care, and **Wash Your Fucking Dicks!**
flamedrace: Thank god for circumcision..
SomeKindWords: Scrolled down to find this... so many less things can go wrong. Circumcision critics can say what they'd like, I know what choice I will make for my children.
Houstons-Problem: Well for one the glands of a circumcised penis become much much less sensitive and can reduce the sensation dramatically during sex. Additionally the foreskin has a ton of sensitive nerve endings in it, almost as many as the glands itself. The foreskin provides a small amount of extra lubrication to make it more comfortable for the woman.
Sexually, circumcised males are absolutely worse off. As long as you teach them how to wash it everything's fine. Foreskins are cool, yo.
SomeKindWords: Well, thanks for the information, but there are other risks associated with not circumsizing your child. There's a reason so many doctors recommend it. He won't miss the added pleasure if he hasn't ever experienced it in the first place, but he will miss his life if he dies of some crazy infection or cancer. I will always choose health and wellness over sexual pleasure, and I will for my children as well.
DanCorb: > so many doctors recommend it
Outside of Murica, no developed nation recommends it.
SomeKindWords: Not even Israel (since it's a Jewish religious practice)? I am skeptical of expressions containing words like "no one" or "everyone"... seems pretty generic to me. I am sure there are doctors that recommend it in every nation, even if there are just a lot more of them in America.
kallekilponen: I can't speak for the whole world, but at least here in Finland (and our neighbor Sweden) Medical Associations are recommending banning the practice under penalty of the law (unless it's done to fix a birth defect).
SomeKindWords: Do you know why? Every bit of literature I've ever found (that is academic) says that circumcision has more pros than cons.
I'm requesting published, peer reviewed works specifically, and not like Magazine articles (which are sensationalized and often unreliable). Thanks!
kallekilponen: Finding sources in english doesn't seem to be easy, but here's how the Finnish medical association makes their case. (Mostly relying on statistics):
> About 5-10% of european males are circumcised.
>
> The occurrence of urinary tract infection on infants is 1:100, and an infection is easily and cheaply treated with antibiotics. The complication rate for infant circumcision is 2:100. The gained reduction in HIV/penile cancer rates is much lower than either of those figures and hence doesn't justify the complication risk, especially in good western hygiene conditions.
>
> European doctors are also calling in question the methodology of the american studies on the benefits of infant circumcision.
[Source in Finnish.](http://www.laakariliitto.fi/uutiset/ajankohtaista/suomen-laakariliitto-ja-suomalainen-laakariseura-duodecim-kulttuurierot-ohjaavat-poikien-ymparileikkausta/)
SomeKindWords: Interesting, thanks for the translation. Do you know of anything which discusses the increased prevalence of prostate cancer in uncircumcised individuals? That is my main reason for supporting circumcision, and I can't find any of my sources (it's been ages since I last looked it up), but I remember several studies which supported this conclusion, and I remember discussing it with my medical family members also.
If there is anything that has debunked this connection, I'd be super interested to read it. Thanks again!
kallekilponen: According to the chief of pediatric surgery at HYKS ^(Helsinki University Central Hospital, the largest hospital Finland) *[Harry Lindahl](http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Harry_Lindahl)* there is no statistical difference in the occurrence of prostate cancer between circumcised and uncircumcised males in Finland. And even if there were, the difference would have to be over 2:100 to offset the complication risk of the procedure.
(I should also point out that the prognosis for prostate cancer here in Finland is often quite favorable. In 90% of cases it's caught in its early stages in which case the survival rate is nearly 100%.)
SomeKindWords: Well, I guess the main problem in America is that our health care system is a piece of crap. It is often not caught early enough here, and prostate cancer is something every man needs a check-up for like every 5 or 10 years since they're 35 or something like that (I'm not really positive on these numbers, I am a young female... I know when to start getting regular mammograms (breast inspections) lol)
I've only ever heard that there is a solid correlation between the two, indicating a higher risk for those with their foreskin. I'll certainly look into this further in a few years when the decision is more relevant, and hopefully there will be more American literature on the subject by then.
Thanks for the comment!
kallekilponen: Over here there's no standard checkups for prostate cancer as such. However men are recommended to visit a doctor if they start having problems urinating. The primary diagnostic measure is a [PSA](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostate-specific_antigen) -test. This approach is enough to find 90% of prostate cancer cases in its early stages. After treatment the test is done regularly, at least once a year to make sure the disease doesn't resurface.
From what I read on the subject, the higher risk is due to hygiene concerns and therefore isn't such an issue in western countries.
(Naturally it's important to teach kids good personal hygiene from a young age regardless.)
SomeKindWords: Well, teaching kids good hygiene does not mean they will listen and do it. OP in this case learned the correct hygiene, tried it an failed, and then just assumed it wouldn't matter. You can't trust kids to do what is good for themselves... that's why they are the parent's responsibility until they are 18.
kallekilponen: That's why when it comes to kids it isn't enough to teach them once and assume they do it. You have to do it with them for a considerable amount of time, and keep checking up on them later. You know...do actual parenting and not just give occasional lectures... Parenting is hard work.
SomeKindWords: I just remember a number of times from my childhood where my parents explained something, and I knew how to do it, and I just thought their reasons for doing it were dumb and ignored them. And then they'd ask me "did you brush your teeth?"
"Yeah moooom! Gosh!" I hadn't. Didn't see why it mattered since they'd just get dirty again later. I'm lucky I never had cavities growing up. Still, this happened a bunch of times for various reasons.
No matter how good you are at parenting, kids will do whatever they'd like to if you aren't constantly watching them. And what kind of parent would you be if you constantly watched them?
kallekilponen: A good one? My parents made sure I brushed by teeth properly when I was a kid...and I'm thankful they did.
SomeKindWords: Is it better to trust that your kids will take what you teach them and grow up properly, or grow up for them? What will they do when they leave for school if you do everything for them always just to make sure it gets done?
I mean, maybe it all worked out for you, but I have a lot of friends who didn't even know how to do laundry or cook anything in college... Some didn't even know how to clean things... "I always had a maid for that..."
Anyway this is so far off topic now, and I really don't care to discuss it further.
kallekilponen: I'm not saying you should do everything for them or hover around them constantly, just long enough you are actually sure they are doing it on their own. It's not like my parents watched over everything I did, not to mention doing things for me, in fact I was quite self sufficient even while living at home, but they did check up on me every now and then. There needs to be trust, but the trust needs to be earned.
Yeah, I think I've talked about this subject way more than I'd like to on reddit...
| 20 | 48.8 | |
1409126723 | 1409173451 | t3_2ephxv | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching Gravity and throwing up on a flight attendant
DarkSparky123: What teammates?
ZeroSumHappiness: Coworkers, I'm guessing.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409129055 | 1409159000 | t3_2epjum | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by accusing my SO of infidelity
TL;DR TIFU by texting my SO and when I didn't get a response for 5-1/2 hours, had a thought he was cheating and told him of my thoughts, thereby accusing an innocent man of infidelity.
Before I explain the exact instance that happened, I will explain our relationship to give a little more to the situation. I've known my SO for over five years. We met in college and became friends for three plus years before we started dating. As soon as we did date, i knew immediately that I loved him. I know it sounds cliché and stupid to most people, but he truly is my one and only. He would bend backwards and give me the world if i asked it of him, and I would do the same for him. I would take a bullet for him. I recently graduated from our university, so I moved back home and he's still in school finishing up his degree. I'm stuck at home applying for jobs and working on my portfolio so I'm getting bored and slowly losing my mind. I wish more than anything that I could be by his side, but I need to save up money for grad school. So...I'm at home with my parents, sister, and the zoo of pets we have.
Now fast forward to tonight. My recent life has become incredibly boring so I text him all the time to keep my sanity and hear from him because I really miss him and hate being across the country from him. So me texting him a billion times and one is basically a normal custom for us. But tonight, he wasn't really responding to my messages. Most of the time, I don't really worry, but tonight I was getting aggravated and upset. It had been five hours since he last responded and my thoughts began stirring as what the hell could he have gotten himself into? I know he plays video and card games but he normally responds every so often, and this entire day his messages were sparse.
Pause the story because there's another detail of my life that needs to be explained to y'all. I've had a bad dating history. Like really terrible taste in men. My first ever boyfriend out of high school told me he loved me to get me into bed and ended up cheating on me our entire relationship. My second dating partner constantly told me he loved me to get into my pants, and would throw me aside for a newer model, only to rope me back in again with promises of dating and love. I've never told anyone other than my partner but in my dating history, I have been sexually assaulted. So Reddit, I'm ashamed to say I've made some poor decisions with my life. However, my current SO is NOTHING like these people. I could not have found a more decent and great man. He's smart, wonderfully kind, respectful, great with my family and friends, and basically the perfect man for me. The last kind of person that would do something as low as cheating.
So, back to the action, after not hearing from him for a while, one of my first thoughts is "Could he be working all this time?" followed by "He may be playing MTG", both of which are not unlikely but the fact that he wasn't responded made me feel like he was doing something else. These were then followed by "Could he be cheating?" Now, I may have entertained this thought for a couple of seconds, but it was quickly countered by own thoughts basically saying "You're an idiot, he would never do that." And then I thought "Was he in a car accident?" Let me tell you Reddit, having anxiety is no picnic because my mind is constantly creating these scenarios as to what is happening in my friends and family life when I'm not there. It's exhausting and I am tired by my own brain. Several thoughts raced through my head before FINALLY!! After five and a half hours I received a message from my one and only.
The first thing that happens is my hot Latin blood flares and I am snappy and basically the biggest bitch to this wonderful, thoughtful man. We begin arguing and I mention the fact that I did have thoughts of him cheating. He does not take this lightly (nor should he) and everything spirals out of control from there. Now, the only defense I have for myself is that I never actually accused him, but I did tell him I thought about it. I guess some people could say the thought in itself accuses him.
All I know is that a tender and loving man is furious with me at the moment. I know I was wrong and saying sorry won't cut it. I was being an absolute shit to someone who treats me so well. He doesn't deserve any of this from me. So Reddit, please help me. How can I make it up to this man that I love? I am so lost and a stupendous idiot.
Edit: Spacing
dam1985: [You need to watch this OP](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU)
Where do you fall?
[deleted]: Wow. This is a pretty offensive video for women, so I'm really not comfortable answering this question. I am not "crazy", I just had a very stupid lapse in judgement. Most of the time when we were together at school, my SO and I would sit on the couch playing video games and watching Netflix. When we do fight, we always end up making up rather quickly. Its hard to stay mad at someone like my SO who is so loving and warm. I guess you can interpret for yourself where I fall.
[deleted]: That was a weird way of answering your question, if in fact I even answered it.
| 4 | 1 | |
1409128707 | 1409244259 | t3_2epjkh | t5_2to41 | 35 | MotorHodor: TIFU by having a good time in my mom's car
First of all, before that event I haven't had some good ole' sexy time in weeks even though I've been with my girlfriend for a long time. So this happened 6 months ago, because my gf's sister had her birthday we went out to a big club.
I don't like drinking so I decided to take my mother's car to meet up with my gf at the club. As the night goes on my gf got drunk and got horny. Now that wouldn't be a problem if I wouldn't have been that horny too because of that dry period I had. Although my gf lives 5 minutes away from the club and we could've just driven over to her place and have some proper sex, I was way too horny to think and decided to just have sex in my mother's car.
I should also add that I parked right next to the club which made it even more awkward later on.. We started the engines and proceeded to have the best sex in our 3 years of relationship. Now here comes the FU: Horny bastard I was, didn't think of any means to clean up the mess I did, and there were NO tissues anywhere to be seen, so I had to get out of the car with my gf lying there completely naked and go ask her sister for some god damn tissues.. The worst part is that I came too late and even after cleaning up the mess there were big-ass stains on the back seats of my mum's car! Now imagine explaing that do your parents.
Tl;dr: Had the best time of my life in my birthgivers car, the aftermath's still visible.
Ravajah: Should have crumpled up some fast food wrappers and left them on the back floorboard. "Joe spilled his animal-style french-fries on your seat after a night of partying for which I was DDing - mind you, mother" makes a better story than "Sex couldn't wait another minute - I just had to get my doggy style deep penetration and obviously didn't have the foresight to bring a towel or blanket to bang upon."
MotorHodor: Seems like a good idea, but it was 4 o'clock in the night and none of the 8 mcdonalds in my country are open at that time..
47Krishna: I can name at least 8 McDonalds within 10 minutes from me which are all open 24/7. Where do you live !?
MotorHodor: Luxembourg dude, we only have expensive restarants'n shit
Stereo: At 4 am, you can eat at the petrol stations on the motorway.
MotorHodor: nope, no 24h petrol stations here either afaik
Stereo: Capellen, Berchem and Wasserbillig are open 24/7 all year round.
| 8 | 4.375 | |
1409131488 | 1409138912 | t3_2epm2w | t5_2to41 | 296 | heaser: TIFU by trying to help someone reclaim their iPhone.
I work in retail, a small shop that sells phones,
One day a a guy entered the shop saying his iPhone was iCloud was locked, So he couldn't use it, And asked one of us if we could help him delete the iCloud account, (The phone was usable, But the enter password message kept popping up), My friend tried to do it but failed, and gave it to me, me being my normal suspicious self looked into the messages app and saw that that iPhone did not belong to him, Most of the messages in there were from young kids about games and whatnot, Including a whatsapp group of his classmates, I immidiately thought the iPhone was stolen and the guy was looking to sell it (extremely cheaply), So I decided to gain some real world karma purchase the iPhone, Call it's owners and let them know I found the iPhone and they can take it back if they want it(You know, the good alignment option), I called the owner's mom, Told her what happened and she said "That's strange, let me check", she called back saying "my husband gave the phone to his friend, who gave it to another friend, who gave it to you, I don't need it because I don't know the iCloud password", I told her sure, and that if she wants I wouldn't mind trying to get rid of the iCloud account so I could use it if she didn't want it, she said sure, and I managed through the magic of google to find away to delete the iCloud account, I also let her know that I did that, incase she'd still want the phone, she said "I'll talk to my husband and we'll see what to do".
THE PLOT THICKENS NOW
The guy who "sold" me the iPhone came back to the shop this morning pretty angry, Saying, That apparantly, that phone belonged to the husband's mistress, And by calling the husband's wife, I accidantly ratted out the husband for cheating.
I'm not sure what to feel now.
edit:
Thanks you for not making me feel as bad I did when it all happened.
OliStabilize: He's a scumbag for cheating. No harm done here.
heaser: Still can't stop thinking about the fact that I tried to help but ended up ruining a family.
OliStabilize: 'He' ruined the family, not you.
heaser: Still feel like a catalyst, and that makes feel me bad.
KaladinStormborn: Catalyst aside mate, you did the right thing. The person who is at fault is a man who knowingly cheated on his wife - not the well-intentioned phone tech looking to help someone out.
Save the guilt for another time kid.
heaser: Thank you.
| 7 | 42.285714 | |
1409133959 | 1409184036 | t3_2epo6p | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by twisting my bike handlebats.
the_yarb: Dammit all the comments are about my typing error lol
Shameless_Spellcheck: >handlebats
handlebars*
the_yarb: Yup...
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1409142273 | 1409229310 | t3_2epwiw | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by replacing my dad's gun with a water pistol
SammyConnor: More like 'TIFU by leaving my loaded gun and holster where my kid could get at it'
Still, kinda funny, but horrifying too.
Guinness2702: Yeah, could have been worse. I'm sure we've all seen today's story of the guy who's not able to write a TIFU, regarding a 9 year old girl and an Uzi.
TheWin420: Link?
Guinness2702: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-28948946
| 5 | 2 | |
1409145304 | 1409146745 | t3_2eq0f9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by crashing my dad's car.
I was just heading home from my piano lesson and I was leaving my teacher's driveway. As I turned I had a Coke open next to me and it spilled. Since it was 10:35 at night I needed something to keep me awake. I went to pick it up but by the time I had, I slammed into a telephone pole. The airbag went off, and it was pretty bad I hit the pole pretty hard. Now they're making calls to fix the car and I feel like shit, because I can't help them out.
poohspiglet: Car is replaceable. You are not. Lesson learned, right?
semser: Yea lesson learned, tough way to learn. But gotta be thankful for that.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409145823 | 1409194636 | t3_2eq16k | t5_2to41 | 221 | [deleted]: TIFU by knocking me out after playing League of Legends
Hi, this is how I fucked up today:
I played my 'beloved' game League of Legends and after beeing stuck in gold 3 and losing 3 Promotion series already, I kinda got excited when I hit the Promotion again.
Note: I already helped a few friends climb to and out of gold, but I, myself, lost the Promotion series every time.
After losing the first match, which was really not my fault, I got a little bit angry and saddened.
I played the second match and all my teammates played bad. I nearly got us the win, but I fucked up a important fight, which lead us to lose and then I completely lost it. I was so angry about myself, I started punching myself in the head. I hit myself really hard. Slowly I noticed how my face started to tickle, I couldnt feel my feet anymore, my vision got dark blue and I started breathing more intense. I tried to go to the kitchen so I can get me a drink to cool me down, but when I stood up, I fainted. When I got myself together again, my mother was looking down to me while I was laying on the ground. She didn't wait any longer and called an ambulance (because I have a bad backstory with cancer, and when this happens, it could be because the cancer pressures my nerves or something worse), before I could explain it to her. It was really difficult for me to pick up and tell her I'm okay... Well I hit me really hard there.. She talked to the ambulance in complete panic. After a few minutes I managed to explain her what happend in complete shame and her panic turned into anger...
The ambulance rushed to me with siren, only for me mother to tell them in complete shame it was her own son, who knocked himself out.
They left and I didnt dare to look in their eyes, but I can tell they were pissed at me aswell..
After that I also had to listen to my moms philippic about how video games were always bad for me, how I am so naive and stupid, etc. etc.
Well this is my fuckup today...
This wasn't my worst moment of shame, still I felt really uncomfortable explaining the situation etc. and I'm really not proud of it. In fact I'm actually pretty chilled when playing games, just the fact that I fucked my game up and lose the Promotion *AGAIN* made me so angry about myself...
**TL;DR After losing a important match because of my fuckup, I knocked myself out, only to let my mother call the ambulance for nothing**
**Update: After reading some of the comments I stopped playing for a day and went into myself and thought a lot.. I realized, that playing the game all day made me a raging person in general and I was at a point, where little things like dropping your keys twice would make me worked up really fast.. Gaining Elo in League was so important to me, because I wanted to prove myself I am good. Well as I said I took a break and when I started playing the game again, I just played some normals with my "bad" friends, which made me understand why I actually play this game: because it is fun. I tried out new things and had good fun with my friends. I then started to play rankeds again. Guess what, the first game, we lost. But I was completely calm the entire time. Completely. I also paid much more attention to what I, instead of my team did wrong. Next game my Top lane was 0/8 after 10 minutes BUT I didnt rage at him at all, even in reallife. I swear I was more calm than a monk meditating for 10 years straight. The enemys played so well but I didnt give a fuck. I just wrote positive things in chat and tried to defend the bad player and complimented everyone for a good play. Long story short: We eventually managed to win, because we played as a team.**
Thank you everyone for downvoting and shitting on me, it helped.
mealymouthmongolian: It's just a game, no need to beat yourself up over it.
solicitorpenguin: Don't start, you would be kicking a guy while's he's down
tiehunter: Yeah. He doesn't need others adding insult to injury.
whalezzzzZz: Yeah, don't punch him in the head.
Tondor7419: [I wonder how you got that flair](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bv34l/tifu_using_a_butt_plug_on_my_girlfriend/)
| 6 | 36.833333 | |
1409161013 | 1409231352 | t3_2eq4c7 | t5_2to41 | -5 | unsanctimommy: Dick.
fletch420man: realist- spending money you don't have on things that are pure luxuries is how people end up in bankruptcy, it causes money fights- too many bad things happen.
a_link_to_the_passed: You're not wrong, going overboard wasn't great thinking, but you're an asshole. OP is emotionally unstable and looking for support at the moment. Maybe he put emotions over logical thinking and considering his finances, but are you really telling us that you've always been 100% realistic and haven't put emotions first? That's very inconsiderate. And if the 5K did end up saving the dog then maybe being poor for a while would have been worth it for OP.
fletch420man: bullshit- the truth is the truth how in the ever living fuck is sugar coating it going to help him? Next time know from the start your not spending 5k on a fucking house pet.
a_link_to_the_passed: Once again I didn't say you're wrong, just a dick. If you're truly trying to help by being realistic do you really think anyone's going to want to listen the way you are? And I don't understand caring about a pet that much either, but I hear to some people it's like family. I'm sure you'd find a way to make up 5K for the life of a family member.
fletch420man: If more people heard the truth instead of crazy over emotional opera episodes to save the animals at all costs. Maybe just maybe at some point some of them might make the right choice. Fine I'm that guy dick/voice of reason- no problem. Sometimes in life when you fuck up you need someone to tell you you fucked up more than you need your hand held and told everything is going to be ok. It's not like I'm happy he lost his dog and got ripped off to boot, just letting him know it sure as fuck is ok to never, ever throw 5 grand at a house pet again, in fact don't even entertain the discussion of it in the first place.
a_link_to_the_passed: You keep saying house pet, but you don't seem to acknowledge that OP considered his pet part of the family.
fletch420man: I sure do- and that is a hard habit to break.
| 8 | -0.625 | |
1409148787 | 1409163959 | t3_2eq5pj | t5_2to41 | 23 | No-Forethought: TIFU by not going to the doctors and looking like a racist
This actually happened yesterday but I'm still not over how ridiculously bad of a situation I was put in. I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and that in itself has gone great, the only issue is the commute to work. Basically it involves walking .3 miles to get to a train station from home then another 1.1 miles to get to work itself after the train. Now obviously I wouldn't have taken the job if I thought this would be an issue and also I'm overweight so I figured I could use the daily exercise but a lot of times the commute just plainly sucks which requires me to run from one direction or the other to make the train or get to work on time etc. Running isn't bad obviously but I never really ran so much for so long before and so I started developing extreme pain in my right foot because of it. This has lasted over a month and is still ongoing despite the fact that I'm not running as much since then. My runner friend told me it's probably shin splints which he gets a lot and they are excruciatingly painful. I honestly looked it up and it seemed plausible but I decided I should get a real diagnosis from a doctor, but I'm lazy so I've been putting it off.
Thus yesterday, the day I FUed. I was coming back from work and had to deal with the 1.1 mile walk, train was going to be there in 15 minutes. I knew it was dumb but I started bolting, the pain hadn't been there for awhile so maybe it was gone. LOL NOPE. It started up a minute or two right after I made the dumb decision, and still a good ways to go. I ended up saying screw it and just fighting the pain so by the time I got to the station the pain was a good 8/10 but hey I made it, that's all the matters right? I also was able to score a seat, double win, now I don't have to stand and put pressure on the foot. Then the worst part of my day. After 4/7 of my stops an elderly African American woman came up to my chair and didn't say anything because I assumed she just expected young man, old lady, who do you think is entitled to sit down? I should also mention I live in a ghetto black part of the city so everyone around me was also black.
I FUed big. Rather than offer my seat as I'm sure she was expecting, I just sat there. If I got up and the pain came back I could very well bowl over the entire train, which I wasn't going to do, also the pain in itself would have just made the last 3 stops unbearable. I needed for her to see in my eyes that I was in pain and couldn't move, but I looked up at her to see a look of "Are you F*cking kidding me" in her eyes. Then I looked at all the other people around me and they had the same look, except some of them looked a lot more shocked and others looked a lot more murderous. Welp I did it they assumed that I didn't get up because of the color of her skin, and now something needs to be done. The woman was offered a seat at stop 6 by somebody else, I think the pure shock of me not moving stunned somebody from doing it earlier, except for the teen who was recording me from the moment I looked up (I'll try to find that video on Youtube later for you guys) but all I could think was "I'm going to get murdered" and "Why the heck didn't I get this foot thing figured out weeks ago." Finally my stop came and so I bolted out of there with my foot still hurting so I limped my way out, and just managed to avoid this woman who was going to give me a piece of her mind. Tonight I'm taking a later train home so I don't have a chance to see any of these people again.
Voyager5555: I love posts like this because the OP is (incorrectly) attributing race as a factor here when you more just look a dick for not offering an older person your seat, which is why everyone was pissed. When you start qualifying race in there it DOES make you look like a racist, not your actions. You can also just say "I'm sorry, I'm having some serious issues with my foot and can't stand."
No-Forethought: I thought of that too, but it seemed too simple and while not giving up your seat for an older person is definitely bad its not enough for people to start recording with their cellphone or to try to yell at you on your way out of the train. Or maybe it is where your from. I very well could have just over thought this, attributing the situation to race was not my go to idea, it just seemed that their reactions were too severe if they just came to the conclusion that I did it because of age. Also if you read the second to last sentence in paragraph 2 you see that I thought just that, that age outranks race.
TheWin420: Able to find the youtube video OP?
No-Forethought: No luck. She might have taken it only for friends or something.
TheWin420: Well damn, update if you do, I like seeing people in uncomfortable situations. Even myself lol
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1409150984 | 1409167372 | t3_2eq9cu | t5_2to41 | 2,224 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally making my sister hold my dick.
Temporary because I don't want to embarrass myself any further.
Today as I woke up with a raging boner, I decided to relieve myself under the sheets. As I'm climaxing, my 6 year old sister comes into the room to wake me up, jumps on the bed. At this point, my pants are already off, my bottom half is completely naked. She feels the bump in the sheets and grabs my dick and asks "Is this your hand?"
My initial response is "Yes" and continue to let her hold it and pull on it to get me out of bed so it doesn't seem like I'm trying to hide something.
Then she goes "Wait a minute... that's not your hand..."
Panicking, I tell her to go wake up our other brother, when she replies with "... that's your foot!!"
mclitch: dude......OP you done fucked up. Seriously bro..... just no.
>Today as I woke up with a raging boner, I decided to relieve myself under the sheets.
and you wait until it goes down you dont masturbate it away or let your sister touch it. Not cool bro.
theraf8100: > you dont masturbate it away
Why...why not?
mclitch: Common sense your dick is hard because of increased blood-flow to the area caused by your laying upon it when sleeping and compressing the vessels in it before waking up.
when you awaken and get up all of the blood rushes back to that area and as such your dick is hard. if you had waited 3-5 minutes you wouldnt be hard anymore.
Study some human anatomy so situations like this dont occur again.
theraf8100: I'm going to fap my morning wood away tomorrow just to spite you.
mclitch: Dude re-read my post and yes your ignorance of human anatomy makes your "fap my morning wood away tommorow just to spite you" baseless because common sense will tell a guy that if he waits a few minutes for the blood-flow to be reduced he will no longer have a hard on.
Seriously dude before you go on a tangent read the persons post first.
theraf8100: A. I read it.
B. I'm not going on a tangent. I just don't see what is wrong with a morning fap.
mclitch: >I'm not going on a tangent. I just don't see what is wrong with a morning fap.
you were on a tangent. i was stating that if you want the hard on to go away faster it would be smarter not to fap (as if you fap you increase blood flow).
A_Pony: I don't understand why you're being downvoted. :(
mclitch: Its simple really. This website has a group mentality also the average poster on this website is between 16-25 while im in my 50's so you can see the result.
Will_Huggins: You said in your initial post "don't masturbate it away... Not cool bro" as if it were a bad thing. It's portrayed as a bad thing by the way you were all like 'dude no, that's wrong'. Generally an realistically masturbation isn't a bad thing. It's healthy. The only way that OP fucked up is by letting his little sister OTPHJ him. That's the messed up part.
mclitch: > and you wait until it goes down you dont masturbate it away or let your sister touch it. Not cool bro.
way to misquote me i stated that when his sister is in the damn room you dont continue you let it go away or if shes in the vicinity of the room to also let it go way. Did you even read the OP's post?
Seriously if you advocate masturbating knowing your young sister is in the room or its vicinity , then allowing your sister to touch your junk instead of telling her to get out of the room is..... its beyond sick bro.
Disgusting you would be to even suggest that its normal and to misquote me is beyond pathetic.
Will_Huggins: You don't know how quotes work, do you? ...
mclitch: Actually i do know how to use them but you clearly dont. you indeed just misquoted me so ill post my entire first post just for you, so you cannot misquote it again
>dude......OP you done fucked up. Seriously bro..... just no.
"Today as I woke up with a raging boner, I decided to relieve myself under the sheets." (OPs post)
>and you wait until it goes down you dont masturbate it away or let your sister touch it. Not cool bro.
So as you can see you've directly misquoted what ive said and at the same time took it out of context which is plainly obvious to anyone reading.
Will_Huggins: You're just wrong.
Edit: Let me explain. You can take a certain quote and take parts out of it. Those parts that were removed from the quote are then represented by an ellipses. Admittedly, I should have started the quote with an ellipses, but that isn't relevant.
I never took anything out of context. All of the context was right there in front of your face. I was merely showing you how your phrasing is completely different than the point you think you're trying to prove. Throughout this thread you've yet to make much sense.
If you're trying to critique someone on grammar and citations, you yourself should really start by at least capitalizing 'i', using proper punctuation or having a clue what you're talking about. Also, if you're 50 like you say, your whole argument kind of goes out the window based on how many times you say 'bro'.
| 15 | 148.266667 | |
1409144989 | 1409172211 | t3_2eq00y | t5_2to41 | 45 | Perfect_BlackPearl: TIFU by leaving my sims game running on my iPad...
So today I was playing the sims on my iPad and left it open on my husband side of the bed. He has never been a fan of how they talk gibberish.. Anyways hours later we're in bed and it's all quiet and we hear this 'asszzuurs' noise and he jumps 10 feet into the air freaking out.. We laugh it off thinking it's a TV somewhere.. 5 mins later 'asszzuurs' AGAIN! He leaps out of bed ready to fight someone til I recognise the sound! My sim was just hungry and letting me know!
TLDR scared the shit out of my husband with gibberish talking sims..
pamplemus: ripsa nookie! delko webney! gwanda blitz!
CykeWasRight: That...that was spot on.
pamplemus: i play a lot of sims...
Zeigzalar: Haboo herbie!
| 5 | 9 | |
1409149245 | 1409155758 | t3_2eq6g9 | t5_2to41 | 4 | infernotongue: TIFU by unintentionally tricking the law
Many would consider this story a win, I don't.
Anyways, today was a usual mundane Wednesday with me taking the train back home from school and sitting next to a couple of my friends until something rare happened - ticket control. Unfortunately, some of my pals never buy tickets and while I don't approve of it, I don't really mind.
I myself have a monthly card, that in times of use, I can never find in my bag. And it just happened that the controllers came to check me first. So they started jotting down my personal info, as I claimed that I have a card, and do note, the process of verifying it all takes a few minutes. However, by the time they were halfway through it, it was my stop already and the two controllers, along with me, got off.
Now, unintentionally, by being unable to locate my card, I had saved my friend's ass from getting busted and having to pay a sizable fine, and it would have all been ended alright had I not found my card after stepping out of the train.
Engulfed in the joy of having found what was lost, I raised it high and said in german "there it is"! This did not please the controllers.
The older, I presume, slavic one, as a thank you, gave me a stern talk about how I better not get caught doing this "shit" / "nice trick" again. Apparently my friend is a frequent suspect and I, still not an adult, should stop getting into this "shit". Frankly, I can't blame the man and his colleague, in fact I feel a bit sorry for them.
Well there you have it, certainly one the most tame TIFU posts ever, but still a nice little story about how you can unwittingly deceive the law, cause that takes some serious effing skills.
WWLadyDeadpool: Since every other train on the planet requires you to scan as you get on, I always figured the German government wanted the occasional boost from issuing tickets. Germany is too efficient to not be doing that on purpose.
mrouija213: In Italy you buy ticket for a ride from A -> B, at station A you validate your ticket at a machine before you get on the train. If you have a ticket, but don't validate it, you can get fined for not buying a ticket. Also, if you have a ticket that you had validated another day/hours ago, they can still fine you. You don't often see the guys checking for validated tickets though.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409121317 | 1409159735 | t3_2epcqu | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting an escort to come to my house
After a night of having a good amount of drinks with some friends and having multiple conversations about strip clubs, I decide to hit up the local back pages to get an escort. I find an attractive woman that I'm interested in and give her a call. She'll be at my house in 45 minutes.
As I wait, I decide to get caught up on my favorite show, Sons of Anarchy. She gets to my house midway through an intense episode. I pause the episode and some small talk ensues before she asks for her donation and proceeds to go to my restroom to touch up.
I turn the episode back on, due to the intensity of it, while I wait for her to come back out. As she leaves my bathroom, she is on a phone call that she says she has to take. She proceeds to walk out the back door for some privacy.
After a couple minutes, I have a gut feeling that something is not right and proceed to walk out the back door. There is no one there. I walk out the front door and there is no car in my driveway.
"No way she just took my money and left", I say to myself. I give the number a call and it goes straight to voice mail. She took my money and literally walked out of my door with it 1 minute later.
TLDR; Escort came to my house, got her donation, and I let her walk out my back door with the money a minute later.
Pact_Retard: How often do you pay for a service before you get it?
Horatio_Stubblecunt: It's a pretty common policy with a lot of escorts to get the money up front.
The number of creeps out to get a "freebie" is significantly higher than the number of girls out to scam a sucker.
Pact_Retard: I've only ever used an escort once, but she happily let me pay after we had finished.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: In my totally-anecdotal experience, I'd estimate about 1 in 3 made me pay after (while not a regular), depends how chill she is.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1409154568 | 1409156271 | t3_2eqfq6 | t5_2to41 | 1 | the_winter_storm: TIFU when ordering my pizza.
ZombieNinjaJudo: Cool story.
the_winter_storm: I know, right?
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1409155631 | 1409239937 | t3_2eqhlv | t5_2to41 | 255 | MothHugger: TIFU by showing pictures of small dicks during a product presentation
Like so many posts this happened a few years back.
A Little background info:
I had just gotten together with my GF and we liked sexting alot. One thing i would find immensely funny was to send random pictures of really small dicks to her when we where getting it on mobile phone style. Like 1/4 inch dicks i would find on Google. I know i probably have a sick sense of humor.
So this brings me to my story. Back then i worked with product training. One day i had to go to a store and train the staff in how you can use OneDrive on your Xbox and mobile phone. My boss was supposed to give me a phone and an Xbox with like a demo account set up, but like always he didn´t deliver. So i had to bring my own Xbox and phone.
I log onto my OneDrive from home and everything looks good, i upload a couple of videos and Pictures of animals and happy people, you know the usual showcase BS.
So here i am in my shirt and tie doing what i thought would be a rutine presentation. I take a Picture of the crowd and upload it to OneDrive. I then go into the Xbox OneDrive app to showcase it. Here i find, not the Picture i just took, not the Pictures and videos i uploaded from home, but the screenshots i have taken of small dicks from my stupid phone.
Apparently the OneDrive app for Xbox can view Pictures that are on your phone even though you havent uploaded them manually to OneDrive.
Just to be clear, ive used OneDrive ALOT and i know my shit.
I´m pretty sure it was a bug or some random stuff. The Pictures didn´t show up on my pc, but only the Xbox which i didn´t bother to check from home.
Luckily people just laughed, but damn it was embarrasing!
TL;DR: Sent Pictures of random small dicks to horny GF, Mobile phone auto backups and sends to my Xbox during a presentation
PooPooDooDoo: Send pictures of micropenises to gf, gf forgets what constitutes an average penis and now thinks you are humongous.
MothHugger: Step 1: Show small penises. Step 2: ????????? Step 3: Profit!
camahan: HE JUST TOLD YOU STEP TWO!
frowattio: That wasn't step 2....
MothHugger: NO ONE KNOWS STEP 2!
| 6 | 42.5 | |
1409157219 | 1409187122 | t3_2eqkl4 | t5_2to41 | 600 | son_of_opulence: TIFU by browsing a site advertising escorts and finding my last girlfriend on there.
I'm obviously no better, as I was browsing the site. But, man, she is pulling 400 bucks an hour with rave reviews. Not sure if I should be happy with the savings or go vomit.
At least it wasn't backpage or the street corner. A more classy site...
She even has a link to her own website. I feel pretty weird right now.
edit: as much proof as I can provide in the comments. Don't want to post full pics of her face or my face.
edit 2: Her site says 350 an hr not 400. my bad with the maths.
Lost4Cause: Look at like this: You got for free what others pay for.
son_of_opulence: Yeah she started stripping a few months after I kicked her out. Guess this is the next logical step. She was banging hot, but not too bright. Younger rebound girl after my marriage fell apart.
DomoDog: She makes $350 an hour. Sounds brighter than most of us.
[deleted]: I make $350 a week. Actually a little less now because my hours got cut. Where do I get my stripping license?
thebeveler: You need a new job, bro.
[deleted]: Been lookin' for years, but all the places that have given me interviews offered even less hours. I guess that's what I get for having no college degree and living in a rural area. Shit, the biggest employer around here is Wal-Mart and they only ever offered me 18 hours a week as a midnight cart-pusher. No thank you.
barrett51bmg: Alabama is studded with rural factories making whatnot. While they pay shit per hour, often minimum wage, they typically give shittons of hours. Six 12 hour shifts a week will get you a whole lot more at minimum than you make now.
[deleted]: We have some paper mills up here (northern New England) but they are slowly starting to shut down. I've certainly considered applying, though.
barrett51bmg: Paper mills are one of the best industrial jobs you can get. If you are willing to work overtime 50-80k a year, to watch a machine run is very realistic.
Yes paper is slowly dying. You must always be prepared to move somewhere else. But if you can get on the first one then you can do quite well. Worst case scenario, you end up living in Crossett, Arkansas which is the worst place on earth.
[deleted]: Thanks for the tip, I may have to look into applying. I hope I will be able to finish my schooling before paper dies, not sure what's going to happen to all the guys that have been working there since the 70s.
barrett51bmg: The sad fact is, those guys who have been there that long are probably going to get screwed. Every papermill I know of except the one smack dab in the middle of West Monroe, Louisiana, is the only place of significant employment in the area.
Here is how things progress, in my experience, when a mill shuts down in a town where the mill is the major employer.
1. The shutdown is announced months in advance. Property values decline.
2. People begin living in denial and believe the mill will be saved, or get angry at the mill and start causing problems. Property values decline.
3. The mill shuts down, and property values decline.
4. People start believing the mill will start back up soon. Property values keep declining.
5. Other businesses start to close as mill employees no longer have money to spend at them. Property values keep on declining.
6. The town becomes a shithole ghost town where people dream about the old days and believe the mill will start back up soon. It won't ever restart. Most people go on welfare and poverty runs rampant. The younger generation who can still get out, does so.
7. The liquor store owner gets rich as fuck because there is nothing left to do but collect welfare and drink. Hope and talent are gone and only the ones too dumb to get out are left.
So if you do go into paper realise this. When your mill gets closed, get the fuck out. The quicker the better. Notice I didn't say if, I said when. Paper is a declining industry. Do not buy a house, ever. When the mill closes the house you own 75k on will be worth 15k. That will trap you. Don't get caught up in emotional crap like community ties or not wanting to relocate for the kids. When the plane starts to crash, you bail the fuck out first.
[deleted]: Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate. Poverty is already a big problem in this area (60% of the county receives some kind of state assistance IIRC), I can only imagine what will happen when the mill finally closes down.
The SWAT team has been called twice in the past year because of ex-employees entering the premises with firearms demanding their pensions.
Hell, high school graduates are still going right to "The Mill" after school just like their fathers and grandfathers.
| 13 | 46.153846 | |
1409158810 | 1409164560 | t3_2eqnev | t5_2to41 | 37 | massivepeni5: TIFU by punching my girlfriend in the face, giving her a nosebleed... and then I had sex with her.
So much like every other TIFU on this site, this happened not today, but last year.
I was 19 years old, and had been going out with my (then) girlfriend for about 2 months. We had originally met up at medical school over a dead body (go figure!).
After having spent the day on a romantic date at a Japanese restaurant, we decided that we should go back to mine and get some sleep... and by that, I mean have sex.
So there we are, both getting ready for bed. I'm lying on the left and rotate by torso off the bed, so that I can pop my phone on silent and set it to charge.
She came in for a cuddle, just as I'm rotating back towards her. My fist inadvertantly clenched and travelling towards her face at supersonic speeds.
The next half second of my life was in 1400fps slow motion, my stomach curdled, and my heart felt as though it was falling out of my ass. There was nothing I could do but watch as my closed fist hit her straight on the nose, in a manner that would make Mohammad Ali proud.
It was after that point that the panic set in. We were just sat there, eye to eye, her hands covering her nose, both shocked at what just happened. She removes her hands to show blood streaming from her nose - I'm kneeling in front of her flabbergasted and appalled at what just happened, I'm quite possibly the most non-violent person anyone could ever meet.
I start apologising profusely, over and over again, and she tells me to get some tissue from the bathroom. This is when things get awkward.
I'm as naked as the day I was born, adrenaline coursing through my bloodstream, my penis throbbing and standing to attention. I dart out of my room and race into the bathroom without knocking (bad mistake).
Right there, sat on the toilet was my housemate (he's the type of guy who never locks the bathroom. No one does in our house, it makes things easier in the mornings, one person can brush their teeth while another showers).
I didn't talk to him, I didn't make eye contact with him... I had a fucking boner. I just grabbed some toilet tissue (not the whole roll, evidently my hormone fuelled, sexually excited body was still able understand that he needed the remainder) and bolted back to the bedroom as fast as I could.
5 minutes later, my girlfriend's nose had stopped bleeding, she kept telling me not to worry, as she knew it was an accident, we had sex and fell asleep in each other's arms.
3 months later, she cheated on me, twice, and now we're not together, so it's all good!
TLDR - Was getting ready for sexytimes with the girlfriend, punched her in the face, burst into the bathroom with a boner while my housemate was on the toilet, stole some of his toilet paper, and had sex with the girlfriend.
putdownyourbong: She only cheated on you because you punched her. You do know that, right?
massivepeni5: Post hoc, ergo proctor hoc. I've never seen this before, thank you for opening my eyes redditor!
putdownyourbong: "Propter", but you get the idea.
massivepeni5: Am sorry, it's been a while since my last English class.
putdownyourbong: That's Latin, not English, my friend. Congratulations on the massive peni5 though.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1409159435 | 1409163552 | t3_2eqom7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a co-worker to get pregnant.
I bought a pregnant lady at work a bar of chocolate as I lost a bet to her sometime ago, and another co-worker, a 23-year old unmarried girl(Whom I have a crush on), playfully asked when she gets a candy bar and I, having nothing else to say, blurted out "When *you* get pregnant!".
TIFUthetruestory: OP makes a totally normal comment in a totally normal situation then goes fishing for internet points.
OliStabilize: I know right. All my marriages started with that one liner.
TheWin420: Funny, that line ended mine.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409159009 | 1409163699 | t3_2eqnst | t5_2to41 | 9 | kender00: TIFU By commenting on a girl's facial hair
A little back story. I always had this major crush on a friend of a friend. I first met her when I was just getting out of highschool and we would socialize quite abit within that circle of friends but I the few times I would work up the courage to ask her out I would discover she was dating someone. Then she ended up joining the Navy and dissapeared.
What was weird was that the few times she would come home for abit we would bump into each other and it was always unexpected. This happened three or four times over the course of a couple of years. At this point I was in my early twenties.
Then one year came a major hookup. The friend of a friend out of the blue contacted me and invited me to her birthday party and told me Navy girl was gack in town and was going to be there. Said birthday party took place at a local bar and several drinks later we were having a great time and I ended up taking Navy girl back to my place to watch a movie she had never seen. We end up making out and doing a little dry humping and since I hadn't gotten any action in awhile it was great.
Next few weeks we hang out abit and I found out that she had finished her service in the Navy and had been living with some gamer guy who was hooked on an MMORPG and she said he just wouldn't spend time with her so she basically left him then drove a thousand miles home over the course of 2 days. I understood she was hurting but I also discovered she had been crushing on me for about just as long as I had been for her so I wanted to make this go right. I offered to hang out and just do random things. We did some dinners and went to some events around town. We got to fooling around abit and it was good.
Then one dinner we were at a Texas Roadhouse resturante. The lighting in there was very dim and as I turned to look at her something caught my eye. I told her it looked like she had some glitter on her upper lip. And as soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew I had messed up big. I tried to play it off and say it was nothing but she kept rubbing her lip and then told me, "that's my lip hair"
The rest of the night went from awkward to worse. I had never noticed that she ever had any lip hair before and it turns about because it's very light colored, but the stupid lighting in the resterante made it light up like a christmas tree. I dropped her off at home that night and then she called me later that night all upset that I had embarassed her. The conversation got even more heated because she was basically using me as an emotional & physical rebound from her previous brakeup and was starting to see me as the same guy she had dumped.
Needless to say I have not seen or heard from her again.
TL:DR Was on a date with girl I'd been crushing on and accidently pointed out her moustache.
She was done with the Navy and had broken up with a guy down in louisiana and drove home
TIFUthetruestory: OP strapped on his wax wings and offered a girl with a glass heart flying lessons.
BloodyasHell: That was beautiful
| 3 | 3 | |
1409154261 | 1409169559 | t3_2eqf6i | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by driving while on mushrooms and having a moment of clairvoyance
Writing this post the other day, reminded of me when my friendship with "Joe" went wrong.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2egy6a/tifu_by_not_knowing_how_the_ebrake_on_a_manual/
That's the other story for anybody interested.
So.
About 2 or so years after the story with the Jeep, 7-11 and Exxon happened we were all home from college for the summer. Pretty standard summer in terms of activities except for one new wrinkle. I had decided two things; I was going to start doing a lot of mushrooms this summer and I refused to let other people drive me while under the influence, of anything. Most of my friends were fine with me being the automatic driver all the time, being as I was the only one who didn't drink out of all of us, it worked out great. But, Joe, he didn't like that. Joe always liked being in control and being the center of attention.
One day we were hanging out at Joe's house as we usually did. There was 5 of us there. I can't remember exactly how or why the topic of a burrito came up, but it did. I think it might have been something Joe said. I took that as a chance to start poking fun at him. So, I started referring to him as Joey Burrito or just Burrito for the entirety of the day (It should be noted that Joe is not his real name, and the word Burrito is infinitely more fun when it comes right after his real name). This was pretty standard stuff. We all always made fun of each other. But, today, Joe decided he didn't like the name I made up and started getting upset. Like any good friend, I started to make fun of him more and more. I wouldn't speak a sentence without using the word Burrito in one way or another.
At this point we've all been hanging out for 3 or 4 hours and it's mid afternoon on a boring Saturday in the middle of July. We can't figure out what to do and I suggest we all take some mushrooms and just trip for the rest of the day. Everybody was up for it so I went home to get my stash.
Like a true gluttonous asshole I split up the eighths but made sure to make mine essentially all caps, while my friends basically all ate stems. For anybody who doesn't know, caps of mushrooms have a much more potent and stronger visual effect on your experience. We chewed, gagged, and swallowed them down and began the waiting game to get fucked up. We all talked some more, made some more mexican food/burrito jokes, and then BOOM, I was seeing stars, literally. We hung out watching reruns of the Real World and smoking a ton of pot.
3 or 4 hours go by and we decide we're bored and should go out and do something. We were all still slightly fucked up, but not fucked up enough where an excursion was out of the question. At this point, Internet cafe's with rows of young Korean kids playing Warcraft 3 and Counter Strike was essentially the norm in North Jersey. We were always the only white people at these places, and loved to go. So, we decide, fuck, lets go play some Counter Strike and smoke cigarettes with other like minded kids on a Saturday evening.
I was driving a 2 door Honda Civic at the time, and I'm a rather large human, so no more than 2, maybe 3 people could fit in the car with me. I told everybody to get in and I'd just move my seat up and we could all fit, but Joe refused. He had decided he was going to drive his own car, his precious Wrangler, and meet us there. I said fine and off we went.
The drive is about 15-20 minutes, through local streets from Joe's to the Internet cafe. I was clearly still under the influence, but I had stopped seeing weird colors and objects so I thought I would be fine to drive. As we're driving, I hear sirens and see cop lights behind me.... FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
I pull over, the cop comes over to the car, asked me for my license, registration and insurance. He then asks me if I knew why he pulled me over, and I said no. "You were speeding" was his reply. "I put my cruise control on 30, I thought this was a 25 mile per hour speed limit street sir?".... A pause, "So you're admitting you were speeding?". I was floored. He basically pulled us over cause we were 4 young guys in a car and he happened to see us. He assumed we had to be on drugs or drunk (he wasn't wrong honestly) and for no other reason than profiling us, he pulled me over.
Now, I know I looked fucked up. My pupils were probably as big as golf balls and I probably stank of marijuana. The officer looks around at all of us and asks me to step out of the car. When I do, I notice this is the same officer that I have had 2 interactions with in the past 2 or so years. He recognized me and asked me what we were really doing. I told him going to play computer games and he looked at me and said he didn't believe me. "You have any drugs? Have you been getting high today?". "No sir, I have nothing nor have I done anything".
Unfortunately, my dumbass was wearing a rather suggestive shirt. I had a shirt that read "Free Yayo" on in big white letters on a black t-shirt. For anybody who doesn't know, this shirt was in reference to G-Unit rapper Tony Yayo who was jailed at this time. These were pretty popular shirts at the moment, and I was very proud of mine. The officer looks at my shirt, and I see the wheels turning. "I know what that means, where do you have it?" I begin panicking realizing what is going on and go on to explain that he is a rapper who is in jail and it's a tongue in cheek shirt. I ask for permission to grab a cd to show him and he agress. I show him the cover of one of my G-Unit mixtapes with "Free Yayo" plastered on it and he begrudgingly believes me. Whew. At this point my friends are getting worried.
One of them, the most ridiculous of the bunch sticks his head out the window and begins to berate the officer. He goes on about how his parents are both lawyers, which was true, and that what he is doing is illegal as we had done nothing wrong. He continues to explain how doing 30 in a 25, while going down hill is not grounds to be pulled over and that he wanted his badge number. The officer looks at me and says "Tell Johnny Cochran to calm down or I'll take him in". I yell at my friend to shut the fuck up. The officer runs my information and comes back, with me still standing outside and lets us go.
We finally get to the Internet cafe. We decide to smoke a joint to calm our nerves before we go in. Upon entering we see an annoyed Joe sitting there. I explain what happened and he says "that's what you get for calling me burrito you asshole". We sit down and begin out session of mindless computer gaming.
Fast forward. 3 or 4 joint breaks and 5 hours later is it about 2am and we stumble out to go back to the car and go home. I had parked right behind Joe, on the main street, directly in front of the internet cafe. As we're getting in my car, I look up and see Joe just standing in front of his car looking extremely perplexed. I observe him a little longer and slowly see the rage starting to wash over him like a summer tide. He looks directly at me and just stares. I close the door before I get into my car, and walk over to him. Our other friends followed. Joe says nothing and points at his windshield. I'm confused as I don't know what exactly it is that I'm looking at. It makes no sense.
He points to the windshield and then looks at me "you did this, you fucking prick". Someone, who to this day we have no idea who it was, went had bought one of those microwave ready burrito's you buy at a gas station or convenience store, taken it out of the wrapper, and systematically rubbed and smeared it across the entire windshield of his Wrangler. They didn't miss a single inch of the surface of the glass. They also gently folded the wrapper and put it under his windshield wiper so that it would be easily found. I was in total shock.
This was probably the single funniest coincidence I have ever been a part of. The odds of a burrito being smeared on your car for no reason are astronomical. The odds of that happening after I started calling you burrito for the entire day, are probably higher than winning the Mega Millions Lottery. It was truly an amazing thing. I started laughing so hard I fell on the sidewalk and couldn't breathe. Our other friends were all laughing as well. Joe was not amused.
He started to kick me and berate me while I was laughing. I asked him how and when I would have had the time to do this. I had never left the internet cafe by myself, I had never been by myself at all for that matter. It didn't matter, he didn't believe me. This single moment of chance negatively effected our friendship, and it has never been the same until this day.
chiveon4: Only real FU was putting others in danger when deciding to drive under the influence..be a little more selfish
dmt13: I'm pretty sure you probably didn't have much fun in high school and college huh?... It wasn't the right thing to do, we had all gotten high that day, and the stuff we were taking is not like drinking, when you come down you're not a coherent mess and unable to function.. you can call me selfish, but i'm going to call you a prude moron who had no friends, so we can call it even.
chiveon4: Damn you're right dude, totally got me
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409160612 | 1409162830 | t3_2eqqtl | t5_2to41 | 18 | voodeux_thatyoudo: TIFU By asking my VP if it was that time of the Month.
I work in warranty management for a HVAC warehouse. As I'm sure in warehouses across the world every so often cycle counts come up where we have to go through and do a spot inventory on our in stock equipment. We do ours once a month.
Today the VP of ops showed up to do the count with our manager. She's a pretty nice, but outspoken lady and over the years I've gotten to know that you don't want to piss her off. When she showed up today it was a surprise to me especially when I was surfing reddit at the time and my monitor faces the door. I hear "Hey there whats going on?" Behind me and it takes about 1 second for the voice recognition to occur. I whip around in the chair to see here there smiling at me and the only thing I can think to say is the joke I normally give to the guy that comes for the count. "Hey there! That time of the month huh?"
It was a very long 15 or so seconds with her just staring at me. I'm fairly certain she's considering her how to fuck this nerd up options. She finally just says "Yea.. Unfortunately" and laughed a little before she continued on her way to greet everyone else.
After typing that out it has now occurred to me that I may have just been had my VP hit on me.
VisceralVox: I have no idea how you got your VP hitting on you out of that.
bangwhimper: Wishful thinking can do anything.
VisceralVox: I think you and the OP should switch user names.
bangwhimper: ... well, I can't argue with that.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1409159167 | 1409164433 | t3_2eqo2t | t5_2to41 | 19 | ShamelessAlternate3: TIFU By reading Reddit at work
I feel like this is a regular TIFU, but fuck it.
So earlier, at work, I was reading this thread, about a kid meeting a Victoria Secret model(http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/2eptf8/my_cousin_met_a_victorias_secret_model_at_the/), and everything was normal, reading comments and all that, until I see a comment posting imgur links, and some text(didn't read that part). The Imgur was of a nude picture of this model, and lucky fucking me, my manager was right behind me as I see this picture, I close it as soon as I see it, but I see my manager and I know i'm fucked.
He gives me a stern talking to, as well as sending me home without pay for a day, so that sucked. On the bright side, I came home and fapped to the pictures, so that's a plus.
TL;DR: Opened nude pictures from Reddit at work, got sent home for a day without pay.
TIFUthetruestory: OP is well know by management to be the 'serial jacker' in the office. He would have been fired years ago except that the work that he actually does is unbelievably good. HR even has a spreadsheet that attempts to balance his value as an employee against the amount of time he spends masturbating into coworkers lunches. They started keeping track when the security cameras were installed in 2011 and he has always been in the black.
Today was only different because when he closed the goodie tabs, boner in hand, his browser went back to the original picture of the model and the kid. His boss' kid.
watergate_1983: hey. you. i see what you did there.
and i like it
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1409160779 | 1409172389 | t3_2eqr50 | t5_2to41 | 30 | serluketanner: TIFU by leaving my truck running, with a Corgi inside
The tire pressure monitor went off while me and Peaches (my corgi) where going to the store. Stopped at the nearest parking lot, Got out walked around to the passenger side, check the tire. Its good. Must be the sensor. Come back to the driver door. Its locked. With my phone, wallet, and my precious baby corgi all inside. Don't panic. Should I break the window? Which one should I break? Its a few miles hike home to get my spare key, and hopefully get a ride. I weight my options. Truck is running, with A/C going, Peaches will be ok assuming someone doesn't break the window and steal my truck and her. Its not the greatest neighborhood around here. Tie my shoes tighter, take my shirt off, and start the 3.3 mile run home in 104 degree heat. That was the last 60 minutes of my life.
During my 5k run home, I had plenty of time to re-think how this could have happened. I troubleshoot technical issues all day at work, so I put those skills to use. I came to the conclusion that the only way this was possible is that my corgi Peaches, must have hit the manual lock with her paw.
Made it home, got my keys and a ride back to the truck, Peaches was happy and cool in the A/C. I'll be deploying counter measures to prevent this from ever happening again..
TL:DR - My corgi Peaches locked me out of my truck. I had no choice but to run 3.3 miles home in 104 degree heat. Just another day as a Corgi Dad.
Inept_MTBer: And let me guess, when you got back into the truck all beraggled and drenched in your own sweat she probably wondered why you'd just went for a nice long walk with interesting smells and sounds and squirrels to chase without her.
Also this sort of thing makes the case for Ford's keyless entry keypad. Provided they could keep the damn things from shorting out at odd intervals on occasion.
Brawler215: I have a small magnetic container that I place on the exterior frame of my car behind one of the rear wheel wells. It has saved me from needing to call AAA or a locksmith many times.
Inept_MTBer: Sadly I'm recalcitrant to use such a little box. I'm not saying I live in an area where carjackers are prevalent... oh screw it, I live in Chicago and I've had one car stolen and rolled in a field up north already. Really don't want to give any thieves with designs on my humble Frontier a running start.
Brawler215: The place where I hide the key is actually kind of a bastard to get to; when my sister borrowed my car once and locked the keys inside it, she couldn't find the spare on the exterior even after I told her exactly where it was. My new car has a chip in the key, so any key I place on the exterior is chipless to grant entry only.
Inept_MTBer: Yeah, that might work for joyriders. Believe me there are some pretty damn quick and determined professional thieves around here, best not to give them the chance to get in that much quicker.
cspyny: I spent an entire weekend with my father (electrical engineer) to bypass the antitheft system on my car. Came to the conclusion it's not possible.
Guarantee if I park it in NYC, it'll be stolen in 5 minutes.
Inept_MTBer: Exactly. I live in Chicago so I'm facing the same problem. Not that the immobilizer system in my Nissan isn't bad. It's pretty damn formidable by all accounts. Best not to tempt fate with a key-box.
| 8 | 3.75 | |
1409162943 | 1409268186 | t3_2eqv9q | t5_2to41 | 137 | Three2Many: TIFU: By thinking I could handle LSD
This happened a few days ago on Friday. I purchased 3 licks for $10, took my first one and headed home. Since I thought it was great how my dealer gave me 3 licks, I thought it would be an awesome idea to take all 3 for my first time. Yeah, I'm an idiot.
Fast forward an hour when I'm home, spaghetti is ready and I take the two other licks. Since my parents are out for the night, my brothers and brother's gf decide to bust out the bong with 3g's. Me, already high off the first lick being the dumbass I am decides it's a great idea to blaze.
We put on some LoL montage videos and by the time it's over, I'd already smoke around 7 bowls.
After a while, I started to realize that I was tripping insanely hard, the letters on the screen kept swapping and I could feel my mind melting out my asshole. My brother and his gf left to go pickup their friend to come visit.
I suddenly thought that I was having a transcendental experience and that I was going to merge with all different realities. "I'm a human being, do we all have this experience? " (I forgot I was on LSD at this point).
My memory is shit from here, but I remember suddenly being locked in my brothers room screaming names, "life" because I thought I achieved universal consciousness.
(I found out later that my brother locked me in there cause I started screaming random words and started touching his face).
I ended up destroying their room and biting into everything I could get my hands onto. I guess my brother returns and the door flies open, I run up to his friend and literally wrap myself around her leg yelling "Josh".
They take me into the washroom with the intention of throwing me in the shower, but I managed to destroy the soap bar by biting it in two.
They threw me in the shower, turned it on fullblast (clothes on btw) and left me in there for a minute, my brother gets mad realizing I had my phone in my pocket and brings me out of the shower. They decided it was a good idea to strip me to my underwear because I was soaked right through.
Now rewind to me waking up this morning and me consiously picking a pair of boxers without any button to keep my wang from falling out, we all see where this is headed.
Heres fucked up me, in the washroom pulling out my willywang and saying "penis" showing my brother, his gf and their friend my cock. I remember running upstairs into my room and nibbling on an old sandwich that was sitting there for two days. I came down and I realized everything I did. I realized today that I fucked up, and that I'm an idiot.
TL;DR: Did 3 licks of acid, showed 3 people my cock and destroyed my bros room, the living room and washroom soap.
EDIT: Thanks for the replies, I definitely learned my lesson, I'm glad I did what I did cause it'll make a good story to tell around the fire with some friends.
EDIT2: I love the comments, I do admit I'm pretty stupid haha. I found the shorts I wore on that day and there are very white stains on them. My brother told me I was eating toothpaste and I poured it on myself http://imgur.com/PfBAnqb
Justinian2011: What the fuck is wrong with you? Acid won't MAKE you do anything. You're just an idiot.
Vellon221: LSD can give you temporary psychosis. It can make you lose your fucking mind. Kid's an idiot yeah, but I've seen seasoned psychonauts go fucking sideways on a bad trip.
LSDecent: Well, you're sort of right.
Vellon221: How so? LSD induced psychosis is a real thing. Whether every person that experiences it had undiagnosed underlying psychosis is just something that is impossible to know. I'm inclined to believe it isn't just bringing out underlying mental disorders. I've seen people who I've personally done acid with dozens of times go completely insane in a variety of ways when a trip goes bad. On a few occasions the psychosis has lasted longer than the acid by days or weeks.
This whole 'LSD can't make you do anything' perspective that Justinian2011 and others in the thread are putting forward is, in my opinion, inane. Any seasoned psychonaut knows that psychedelics can royally fuck your mind up, and should be treated with a lot of respect.
Justinian2011: > I'm inclined to believe it isn't just bringing out underlying mental disorders.
See the thing is... I'm a seasoned psychonaut and I'm not "inclined" to believe anything, because I *know* that acid doesn't induce non-existing psychosis. If you have an episode it's not the acid making you psychotic all of a sudden. It is something that existed which is manifesting because of the stress you are putting your brain under. It may not happen the first 10 times you do it but then happen randomly the 11th. What you suggest is a really misinformed belief that causes a lot of harm to the image psychedelics already have to the public eye.
Vellon221: How do you know that? Have you conducted scientific studies of whether or not people have underlying brain defects?
Justinian2011: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/6384428
http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0063972
*Conclusion:
We did not find use of psychedelics to be an independent risk factor for mental health problems.*
Get the fuck out of here. Seriously.
Vellon221: Why didn't you just link studies from the beginning? Why are you being so hostile? I'm trying to have an honest conversation.
The point I'm making isn't that psychedelic drugs put you at risk for permanent brain damage. Psychedelics won't give you permanent paranoid schizophrenia. They might aggravate or bring out a latent paranoid schizophrenia, but they won't have it come out of nowhere. They can however give you temporary psychosis (Psychosis (from the Greek ψυχή psyche, "mind/soul", and -ωσις -osis, "abnormal condition or derangement") refers to an abnormal condition of the mind, and is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality". People suffering from psychosis are described as psychotic. - from [the wikipedia article](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosis)) leading to events such as the one experienced by OP. That doesn't mean they had an underlying mental illness, it means that the dosage of LSD they took caused them to lose normal contact with reality and do some fucked up shit.
Justinian2011: Okay bud.
Vellon221: Well, have a good day man.
Justinian2011: You too, sorry for losing my temper.
| 12 | 11.416667 | |
1409162208 | 1409176641 | t3_2eqtw4 | t5_2to41 | 152 | mhoke023: TIFU by answering my ex gf's text to come over
first time submitting anything on here so bare with me A little bit of a back story my now ex gf dumped me about 2 month ago because she was quote "tired of my shit" because my phone broke and I over slept on a day we were suppose to go to the beach so she decided to dump me and that was the straw that broke the camel's back I guess
anyway a couple nights ago I get a text around 10:30 asking me how I was and that she missed me. I had asked her not to contact me for a little while because I was still in love with her and I needed time to move on. I was dumb enough to answer her drunk horribly misspelled text. she kept saying she missed me and wanted to tell me how lonely she was in person. She asked me a couple times before I decided to say fuck it i'll go over and talk to her she only lives like 10 mins away. This is where I realized I first fucked up, so I decided to just go over and talk, put her to bed and then leave. Well I drove over to her apt (our old apt) I had to wait outside because she took my key. First she didn't answer her phone to let me in so I'm thinking it was a giant prank, so I left she calls me balling her eyes out from the voicemail I left her telling me to come back. I was only down the street so I did. We get upstairs and I'm sitting on her bed far from her as possible, she crushed me by breaking up with me and I was still salty about it. We start talking and she's telling me all this shit how she slept with another guy and it felt weird and wrong, now I'm just pissed off that she did that to me already for have claiming to have "loved" me. so the talking continues and she starts inching closer to me. More talking about how she feels right now that I'm back in her room (our old room) and how she kept all the cards, gifts and other bullshit she kept from our relationship. She's tried to get close enough to kiss me 5 times by now that I avoided. more talking ensues and she's now trying to hug me and kiss me again (because shes drunk) and now asking me if we can try again? we talk about it some more and I missed her so much I decided to believe her and decided to say yes, but with some rules about taking it slow and not just jumping back into how we were, she agrees, I stay the night, around 3 in the morning I wake up and she's all over my dick, me having just woken up I have no idea whats going on so I just go with it, we fuck the whole time shes screaming she missed it and that she was so happy I was back. The next day I wake up in the morning like I use to kiss her goodbye go to work. we start texting during the day while I'm at work about how were gona work it out and she slowly through out the day is starting to lean towards not trying to work anything with me. I go over her apt after work and she tells me it wouldn't be fair to me if we started back again and that it's not going to happen anymore, I'm crushed at this point and just leave....It took so much work to get to the point I was at trying to get over her.....fml
TIFU by answering my ex gf's drunk text, going to her apt, believing her when she said she wanted to try again, having sex with her, then getting crushed again because she changed her mind
UPDATE: we tried to work things out a couple more times things were going well I was giving her the space she wanted and didn't try to rush back into things but all of the sudden she decided to change her mind again and just blow it off. Trust is something I will not be giving to anyone for a long time
TIFUthetruestory: OP just got a case of the old 'pretend-to-be-drunk-so-you'll-come-over-have-sex-with-me-and-get-the-STD-I-acquired-since-the-break-up' fever.
pickpocket293: ...and probably got her pregnant.
thisisme101: ...with twins
tiehunter: Then each of them will get custody of one of the twins.
annoyedatwork: Had revenge sex with ex 18 years ago.
She got knocked up.
With twins.
One lives with me, one with her.
(no bullshit.)
(And DNA test was done.)
All I'm sayin' is, it happens.
AeroGold: Is this serious? How does that work for the kids?
Do the twins know about each other? Is one of you raising one child in the UK and the other one in America?
annoyedatwork: I had custody of both until they were 14, at which point they could pick with whom they wanted to live.
AeroGold: Wait, so one child didn't grow up with their mom but decided at that age to move in with her? How close are they now? I can imagine that's tough for any siblings.
annoyedatwork: They fought quite a bit, so it wasn't exactly unwelcome. Getting along much better now that they have their own space.
| 10 | 15.2 | |
1409163793 | 1409166866 | t3_2eqwwq | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by spanking my sister's ass
s
anonymousguy69: Translation: Drunk OP wants to fuck sister...
[deleted]: Who doesn't want to fuck OP's sister?
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409163927 | 1409165040 | t3_2eqx6l | t5_2to41 | 5 | Katnipkitty: TIFU by trying to cuddle with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend came over to my apartment after his class was cancelled. He was really hot so he stripped down to his boxers to try and cool down. I asked him to look over my homework, so he sat down in a chair next to me and started looking it over. I wanted to cuddle closer to him, so I rolled my chair slowly over to where he was sitting and because his chair was slightly lower than mine I ended up pinching his penis with the lip of my chair and giving him a blood blister on the head. He is now currently writhing in pain on my bed with some ice on his dick and I'm sitting here almost in tears.
fuhrerhealth: Of joy or sorrow?
Fortecor: I would say joy, 'cause that is hilarious. Poor guy. BAHAHAHAHA!!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409163402 | 1409246296 | t3_2eqw5l | t5_2to41 | 5 | ZAPH0Dbeeblebrox: TIFU by sending a colleague an email detailing my fetishes and love life. NSFW
At work to avoid people looking over my shoulder noticing that I’m messaging friends, I often open up a reply email, type what I want to say, cut, and paste it into facebook, groupme, gchat, etc. Today, for the first time in 2 years/ever I hit the send button on accident. Of course it had to be the most personal message I had probably ever written. I explained that my current lover like to bite and scratch and draw blood, which I’m not a huge fan of. I also mentioned my cum fetish and a few other things…whoops. Tried to do a recall and send a follow up email asking him not to read it and delete, but he probably read it…Oh well…
averageasianweiner: Why did you have the "To" field filled in if you never intended to send the email?
MonsterBakery: Probably was a rely if they frequently message
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409164064 | 1409169364 | t3_2eqxey | t5_2to41 | 5 | DeadPrez1: TIFU by forgetting to pull my ebrake up
This was almost a year ago, *BUT WHATEVER*.
I was running into the gas station deli to grab something and saw someone I know outside of my car. I started saying how much I hate him to my friend as I left my car...this is where I fucked up and let my anger distract me.
I go into the deli and do my thing and someone runs in yelling that a black civic is rolling away. My stomach fucking **dropped**. I run out and see that it rolled down a slight hill, (which is why I didn't notice that I didn't pull the ebrake as I left my car) crossed a fairly busy street and hit a fucking pole. People were staring and yelling at me (rightfully so) as I took the walk of shame to my car. I was honestly happy that no one got hurt though because that could have been a lot worse.
The car "skimmed" the pole and missed the trunk so my quarter panel got fucked up which required welding and the whole 9. I now have terrible OCD when I leave my car and HAVE to check if I pulled my ebrake even if I KNOW I did for a fact. I'll walk back out of my house and check because it'll eat me alive otherwise. **I.fucked.up.**
averageasianweiner: I've always made it a habit to do when I put the car in park or stop it, even when in a drive-thru. Sorry it happened OP, just make it a habit to use your parking brake and it won't happen again.
Mobiasstriptease: > put the car in park
Sounds like OP was driving a manual.
averageasianweiner: > put the car in park or stop it
I figured OP might've been driving a manual.
Mobiasstriptease: Didn't sound like it:
> when I put the car in park
Did I just misread you?
| 5 | 1 | |
1409162184 | 1409237745 | t3_2eqtty | t5_2to41 | 12 | LordTiny: TIFU By Murdering My Fish
So this is how it went down: after my friend left last night, I was really bored and full of caffeine. I do some chores and shit and end up deciding to take the fish out of the tank and clean it really well (the water was fugly and brown because of some really cheap and malfunctioning weekend feeders).
I scoop a few cups of water out of the tank and put it in a plastic mixing bowl. Then I net the two fishies (RIP Zappy and Calvin Coolidge the Fish) from the tank into said bowl. Keep in mind at this point that the fish are in their own water, just in a different container.
So I've pulled out all the little plants and stuff and have cleaned the gravel and the tank, etc., etc. The amoeba plant thingy has grown some really resilient black stuff, so I decide against putting it back in.
Now I'm like,"Okay - I'll go to Walmart and pick out new furniture for their house." I do so and even pick up some new chemicals and weekend feeders. I get home and there they are floating belly-up in the plastic bowl. WTF did I do?!? Now I am sad.
They had a good life. The funeral was nice: classic, short, and sweet. Maybe I shall replace them with a coffeemaker now...
TL;DR tried to make a nice home for my fishies and then death visited my household.
madocgwyn: "WTF did I do?" It could be a lot of things
**Temp** if its tropical fish it could be the water cooled to fast and shocked them. Temp shock can kill fish (via stress), although as long as it wasn't freezing cold in your house you would think it would lower slowly enough not to shock them.
**Oxygen** No filter in the new bowl so nothing disturbing surface to do gas exchange. So they used up what was left in the time you were gone and drowned.
**Water Conditions** You stated it was bad, when you put them in a smaller bowl with the same water, smaller 'tank' means any pee etc the fish put out is diluted less so.
**Stress/age** The small fish don't live that long (My oldest small fish is a molly that is going on 2). (Big fish like goldfish can go for YEARS given the proper care) And the shock of being moved/in a new place might have been enough to finish them off.
I've used the kind of impromptu tanks you have even with giant goldfish while I setup their new 55 gallon tank without issue. My guess it was a combination of things.
**TL;DNR A lot of things can kill fish, some species will die if you look at them funny while others (like mollies) are near impossible to kill.**
LordTiny: I bet you're right that it was the combination - itsy bitsy Walmart neons don't have the best life expectancy, I suppose.
madocgwyn: Depends how their cared for, my local walmarts fish are NOT properly cared for or even close to. I don't blame the workers because their not given the time for the maintence. But those conditions could shorten lifespan for sure. And if the darned feeders were overfeeding them, doesn't help at all. if it makes you feel any better, apperntly fish don't feel pain.
vmackenzie: I'll have you know that my first pet was a 25c goldfish from Walmart who lived to be 9 years old.
madocgwyn: **(Big fish like goldfish can go for YEARS given the proper care)**
I said specifically goldfish are different. It varies by species. Some goldfish can go 30+ years in a pond, usually 10 in a tank.
Those tetras are supposed to be 5 years, and my mollies are only supposed to be 1. It varies a LOT by species, and can vary even more by specific animal. Mollies are supposed to be 1 year but Ive got one that will be at least 2 (Im not sure how old it was when I got it) this dec.
| 6 | 2 | |
1409163397 | 1409167457 | t3_2eqw53 | t5_2to41 | 7 | I_was_a_sheep: TIFU by being a sheep
Well, this happened years ago(by my estimate, I was 14 or 15), and I'd like to state that I am not the most clear headed of people, and as a child I was so starved of friends that I'd go along with most things if I thought it would improve on that aspect of my life.
For clarity, when I say "being a sheep", I mean that I go along with what other people say and follow the crowd.
So. I'm in school, in a lesson called miscellainious studies or someshit like that(a filler class for people who didn't do CCF), where we'd do a variety of classroom exercises.
This particular lesson, we were planning a debate which we were going to have, talking about what the topic of debate should be.
The teacher suggests " we should reinstate slavery as a form of punishment" as a topic of debate.
And I assume he's talking about black people, which obviously no one would say is a go-
"Yes sir, I think that'd be a good topic, I think slavery is a good idea", says a guy who I was kind of friends with.
*wait, what... well, I guess slavery is alright, after all Africa is a bad country filled with crime and no electricity and so on, maybe it'd be a blessing to be shipped to Britain to experience a life of relative luxury despite being a slave*
*Huh, I never thought about it like that, we'd actually be doing black people a favour by reinstating slavery*
At which point I interrupt my friend's and the teacher's conversation to say, "Yes, I agree with [my friend], I think reintroducing slavery would be a good idea. Black people would probably love to come to England, and we'd like the help, it's a win-win situation."
Both of them stare at me, then the teacher tells me he meant slavery for prisoners to reduce their sentences.
I got very embarrassed, and the topic of debate was *not* slavery.
Ghost_Brain: From England you say, I think we should ship you too Wales to meet your destiny.
TitanHunter0: A free tophat for you my good sir!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409165240 | 1409338205 | t3_2eqzkm | t5_2to41 | 11 | cheesyburgercheese: TIFU by finally getting gold on an account I don't have the password to.
So I've had this account for over a year. Always just accessed it from my home PC's browser and left it logged in. Never thought twice about it.
Yesterday the internet gods smiled on me and I had a popular comment where I actually got **gold!** So exciting for me! I go to log in on my phone and the password I thought I had picked didn't work.
A bunch of passwords I thought it might have been didn't work.
*And I never set a recovery email.*
So now here I am with this fancied up account with gold and if I ever log out it's lost forever and I can't log in anywhere else.
**Yesterday I feel like I both won and lost the internets at the same time.**
amshegarh: Find a cookie, get the hash of pass, crack it
Its not the most clever idea, but it probably should work
cheesyburgercheese: will that actually get me to a point that I can change my password? Any more detailed instructions would be appreciated. I'm not an idiot, but I also don't run an IT desk. I can follow along with technical instructions *most of the time*.
majorkev: Are you using chrome or firefox?
majorkev: Chrome:
* Top right corner (three bar thing)
* Settings
* Show Advanced Settings
* Passwords and Forms: Manage passwords
Find reddit, and then click show password or whatever.
There should be a similar thing for firefox.
cheesyburgercheese: yeah I'm using Chrome but never saved the password for whatever reason. Already went and tried this. Thanks tho!
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1409167141 | 1409170630 | t3_2er34v | t5_2to41 | 9 | maanu123: TIFU by helping a woman out in a grocery store.
I'm not really special in any way, I'm just your normal everyday redditor. A few weeks ago I was going grocery shopping, when my eye was struck by the most GORGEOUS woman. Now, I'm not a creep, but trust me you'd be looking too. A beautiful bubble butt latina in yoga pants, with a face that looked like a latina version of a young Kate Beckinsale. Now, as I'm staring at her in the chips and snacks aisle, she notices me. I almost go into "I was blankly staring at the chips right next to her" mode, but she smiles when she sees me. She goes like "Hi, can you help me get that bag of chips over there?" Being 6 foot 2, I help her out (She was only like 5 foot 6ish). She tells me she forgot her grocery cart, and asks if we can share carts when going around the store. I'm psyched, I can't believe my luck. So we're going around the store, picking up stuff for her. I'm barely getting anything because I'm self conscious of how I'll look if I get my usual 5 bags of doritos. We talk while shopping, and I learn her name is Anita, her parents live in mexico and she lives here with her brother (who becomes a bit of trouble in the end). As we're going to the end, we see a group of African American thugs and a few Hispanic guys eyeing us. I freeze, wondering if it's better to turn the other way or man up and go through them, but before I know it Anita walks up to one of the Hispanic guys and they start arguing. Apparently, her BROTHER was in that gang, and he thought we were dating and said that she shouldn't date just anybody she meets. She stood up for me in that sassy latina way by telling him how she can date whoever she wants and that it's none of his business, how I'm the perfect gentleman (Exact words) and just right for her. After a full minute of bickering her brother backs down, but tells me that if I want to keep seeing her I'm going to have to join their gang. He says that in 3 weeks time I have to meet him in a certain shady alley in our town, and then he'll begin initiation. I'm just a white guy, who grew up primarily in the burbs. Eventually me and Anita go back to my place to watch a movie. I ask if we're really dating and she says yes, and we smoke weed while she gives me a handjob. Now I'm scared, because I WANT to keep seeing her, (we've already had sex), but I don't know if I want to join this gang. I've told her that I will, and I'm worried if I ditch I'll have to move because he'll kill me for the sex and skedaddle I just pulled. I have 3 days until our 3 week anniversary, and now I'm afraid that I might have fucked up a lot. Moving's an option, right?
EDIT: To all the people saying it's "fake", strange stuff happens all the time.
Voyager5555: If this is true (which I doubt) they were fucking with you.
maanu123: I considered that but I'm still a bit worried. My friends say I should go to the initiation and fail it on purpose, but I'm worried he'll hurt me if I do that.
Voyager5555: Again, fake, but no, do not do that.
maanu123: So what should I do?
ZeroSumHappiness: If he's fucking with you then go and have fun. If he's serious then move to another country.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1409167700 | 1409188329 | t3_2er44j | t5_2to41 | 31 | Benlron: TIFU by using my grandmother's anal cream as toothpaste
Ok, full disclaimer: This was on vacation when I was about 10 years old. My grandparents also stayed in our vacation rental, which was incredibly awesome. Well, up until I had to brush my teeth.
One night, before I went to bed I followed my normal routine of brushing my teeth. I grabbed the toothpaste & my toothbrush and went to town. Not even 2 seconds into the act, I knew something was wrong. The taste was...off to say the least. It was the worst taste I have ever put into my sweet innocent mouth. I started gagging and then I looked at the tube. I couldn't read the scientific jargon, so I ran out to the living room where my ENTIRE family (12 people in total) were hanging out. I said, "Grandma, why does your toothpaste taste so weird, it just made me throw up!" My grandma started laughing and replied, "Oh dear grandson, that's not toothpaste!!! That is cream for my ass! I have an itching rash and I need to rub it into my butt each night!!" My whole family started laughing hysterically. My stomach immediately dropped to my floor and I puked right then and there all over the carpet. The laughter increased, and I was the butt of every joke imaginable for the duration of the vacation, and it has NEVER STOPPED! I'm 32 and I still get made fun of during family parties.
I still get made fun of this regularly, and my grandmother (who is still alive god bless her soul) always asks if I want to use her butt cream for sun-tan lotion since I already tried it for toothpaste.
EDIT: some of you are saying fake, and scout's honor this is a true story. The only reason this whole story happened is b/c we had one bathroom to share, and she put her tube of medicine right next to the toothpaste. that is how i mixed it up when i was a kid. when you travel, you always get new, travel size toothpaste (at least we do). that is how i didn't realize the mistake as they were both small tubes.
EDIT 2: Fixed spelling and grammatical errors. Thanks :)
doublepoly123: Reminds me of the time my mom found out I was using vaginal cream all over my body for bug bites. I was like 10
eyusmaximus: That needs a whole TIFU thread itself.
doublepoly123: You think so? Maybe I should post it!
Benlron: Yes!!!
doublepoly123: Ill do it tomorrow
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1409169322 | 1409188634 | t3_2er76x | t5_2to41 | 33 | damnyoubluetooth: TIFU by forgetting to turn Bluetooth off on my iPod before watching porn
I'm shaking as I write this right now...this happened less than 5 minutes ago.
Anyway, the story. So this morning I woke up feeling super horny, for lack of a better term. That being said, I did what I had to do while my family got ready to go outside. They said they were going out for a while and I thought, "Sweet, I've got the whole house to myself!" Being a teenager, I did what teenagers would do when their family was out. I started to watch porn. I started just after I heard the front door swing shut. Now, my car has a setting where you can connect your devices through Bluetooth to talk on the phone, listen to music and whatnot, and I completely forgot that MY IPOD was connected through Bluetooth and was currently selected for listening to music. This is where shit starts to hit the fan.
Around 2 minutes into the video, the sound stops working, and I just thought my headphones were fucking themselves again so I continued to watch. Then I noticed the Airplay thing at the bottom right of my screen was blue. That's when it hit me.
The sound was fucking playing IN THE CAR.
I was close to shitting myself as I hurriedly peaced the fuck out of that tab and prayed to God that my family didn't hear anything. I went into the bathroom and just sat there and rocked back and forth, knowing that if my mom heard any of it, I'd be 100% screwed. I just wished the ground could swallow me up or I could disappear or something.
Then the phone call. "I'm completely fucked now." I inched my way up to the phone, and once again, prayed to the cool dude in the clouds. It was my brother. He just wanted me to do some chores while they were out. THANK FUCK! And here I am now, posting this to Reddit for you all to enjoy.
So, there's my stupid fuck up with a bit of a happy ending, I guess XD
sigharewedoneyet: Time to get back to what you where doing and finish up. Just make sure your disconnected this time.
doublepoly123: I think the trauma killed his boner...
Landredr: The relief of being safe would have been reason enough to continue at that age for me.
doublepoly123: Horny teens gonna be horny. I remember being like 15 and being like that.
Landredr: Like the coast was clear. Why waste the effort. I hate not finishing things I start.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1409168463 | 1409180027 | t3_2er5ku | t5_2to41 | 55 | SkyKitty: TIFU by having a seizure while painting my nails.
So, this happened last week but I thought I would share. So that you understand why this happened, I am starting a new medication for my epilepsy and it hasn't really started to completely control things. I have seizures that cause me to go completely limp for about 45 seconds. I can't drive, swim or even shower alone because I might hurt myself or others. I try to remember that I still get to do all the little things like painting my nails.
So, I decided to paint my nails in the bathroom. Everything was going great. I was almost finished when I opened my eyes and there was blood everywhere. Or so I thought. It looked like I had exploded from the bellybutton. It was everywhere. It was on the floor, the wall, the ceiling, behind me on the toilet, in the bath tub and all over me.
This is the most SFW picture I could get. It only shows a small part of where it was.
http://i.imgur.com/689PSxs.jpg
(Please excuse the terrible state of the floor and baseboard, we are in the process of replacing the tile.)
As my brain started to catch up with the world, I realized I wasn't hurt and that I had just had a seizure. So, it had to be nail polish. I must have dropped it and the bottle spun a couple times after hitting the concrete.
After the intense fear of feeling like I nearly died, I couldn't do anything but laugh. It took three days to get it all off of me and I don't think it will ever come off the bathroom. I am now glad that it has taken so long to put in the new tile.
RizzMustbolt: If anyone has to redo the tile in there after you, they are going to be in for a big surprise.
SkyKitty: I should use the remaining paint to leave a creepy message.
Phenic: I can see the Reddit post now...
"Redid tile in bathroom, found evidence of a murder"
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1409169741 | 1409171060 | t3_2er7zv | t5_2to41 | 15 | xXSpyderKingXx: TIFU by sending a link to a sub-reddit to my workgroup.
TankOMFG: Can confirm OP is a fucking idiot.
xXSpyderKingXx: Fuck you Alex
reallybad_detective: hahahahaha
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1409169500 | 1409175571 | t3_2er7jn | t5_2to41 | 6 | RandomJuices: TIFU by confusing/enraging a group of Asians at my work
So this happened yesterday, and it still cracks me up and makes me feel guilty. I work at a well known coffee and donut type restaurant in Canada. I also live in a touristy type area, that also isn't very multicultural AT ALL. Anyway, this group of Asian tourists who didn't speak the greatest english came into the restaurant, and asked for a bunch of coffee and food to stay. I said okay, and without thinking said "Since it's for here, would you like your coffee in china?" As in china mugs. But I didn't say mugs. The looks on their faces man...
TL; DR Suggested to a group of people they drink their coffee on the other side of the world
Libra8: That's pretty easy to fix by showing them what you meant.
RandomJuices: I did afterward, but the initial shock was hilarious
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: what kind of dipshit waiter asks me what kind of dishware I want?
just bring me coffee in you standard fucking coffee cup...
I don't care about the damn cup.
RandomJuices: I'm not a waiter. I'm a cashier and drink maker. Most people get drinks to go in normal paper cups. When people want to eat in, I always like to ask how they want their coffee.
I was trying to be pleasant and hospitable, fuck me right?
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1409168286 | 1409815935 | t3_2er59w | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my girlfriends bedsheets as toilet paper
This happened a few years ago, and is one of my fondest/funniest memories of my relationship with my ex.
During my first serious relationship, I made many hilarious fuck ups I'll never forget but this one is the best IMO. I was 17 and she was 16, we had been having sex for a while at this point and we were just getting pretty comfortable around each other. Since her mom wasn't home on this day, we decided for the first time ever, to do it at her house. We get to her place and immediately the morning latte, slushy, and 7/11 taquito start duking it out in my stomach. I casually excuse myself to her bathroom and take the wettest, most powerful shit ever. After wiping with what seemed like an entire roll of toilet paper, I figured I was good to go. So we get naked in her bed, do our thing and finish. Now, I get up to put my clothes back on and my eyes widen at what I see, a shit stain skid mark that covers a large area of her freshly washed white bedsheets. She sees it and acts surprisingly cool about it, hell she even CLEANED it up. She thought it was the funniest thing ever, while I've never felt more embarrassed in my life. It's not about how much toilet paper you use, it's how you use it I suppose.
TL/DR: Go to girlfriend house to have sex, take massive shit in her bathroom and don't wipe well enough. Have sex and paint her white bedsheets brown.
Zhuinden: Why the hell did you not use the shower to wash your ass? That's what people do for proper hygiene.
[deleted]: you take a shower every time you take a shit? you sir have a LOT of free time.
Zhuinden: That's a misconception, I only wash my butt, not my entire body. I don't know why this concept is so alien to so many people, I get this question every single time I state that. But I get the same looks when I talk about the existence of wet toilet paper and that is even more strange.
[deleted]: wet toilet paper? you mean baby wipes? cuz if so I love using those in lieu of regular toilet paper.
Zhuinden: Oh. I actually haven't used "baby wipes" as such, albeit it is something very similar. The ones I've seen had a really dumb name, "intimate wipes" I think? But yeah, regular dry toilet paper is useful as a first few and last wipe, but it's still insufficient as a whole process - so when I'm not at home (where a bathtub + shower is available after dry wipes), I try to imitate wet wipes in some way or another, depending on what's available.
It's a surprisingly complicated procedure. I marvel at how the Japanese have it all figured out and the toilet spouts water at your butt.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1409169977 | 1409170955 | t3_2er8fx | t5_2to41 | 3 | SawJong: TIFU by spicing up my life
So this happened about 4 hours ago and I can still smell the fuck up on me.
I hadn't eaten anything the whole day and felt incredibly hungry. There's a special dish for times like this : pasta carbonara. A wonderful mixture of fatty meat and carb-filled pasta. If that doesn't cure your hunger you should contact your doctor.
I begun cooking and as someone who really enjoys cooking I was able to avoid all fuck-ups. I didn't lose any fingers nor did I make a huge mess in the kitchen. I plated a huge portion of heart attack on my plate, turned the TV on and was ready to enjoy my dinner like a true gentleman.
As I sat down I realized that I had forgotten one crucial ingredient : you *need* to have some Parmesan cheese there to get as close to a lethal dose of fat as possible. As a poor student I can't afford the good stuff, I had to use the cheaper pre-grated dried crap that costs about 60% less than the good one. This cheap stuff tends to clump and the easiest way to get rid of those clumps is to shake the jar furiously until you can feel that all of the clumps have broken down.
As I grabbed the jar I felt that there's one really big clump inside. Imagine something the size of a pine cone. I knew what had to be done : shake it until you break it! I began shaking it like an angry bartender making a Vodka Martini for James Bond. I shook it and shook it but the pesky clump didn't go anywhere. The solution was obviously to shake it even harder because ain't nobody got time for getting a tool for a simple job like that.
All of a sudden the plastic cap flies to my face and is followed by a spoon that almost hits me in the eye. I had forgotten that I actually put a spoon in there when I made the same dish last time and was too lazy to put the spoon into the dishwasher - it was used only for the cheese so it's not like it could make the cheese any dirtier.
Now the bad part was still ahead. Following the cap and the spoon was about half a liter (about 2 gallons for you metrically challenged people * edit : I done goof'd the maths, tifu) of grated, dried cheese that landed on my face, in my eyes, in my hair, inside my shirt, inside my clothes, everywhere.
Now let's assume that you are a rather hairy guy and you have dried cheese everywhere on your body. What would be the smart way to get rid of it? Well, taking a hot shower while you have a jarful of cheese on you sure isn't. The water just spreads it everywhere and the grated cheese from Hell just gets stuck on your hair. After using more water than a small village uses in a year, I step out of the shower. No matter how much soap I used or for how long I stayed in the shower the reek of cheese and failure stayed firmly on my body.
After smelling cheesier than a crappy romantic comedy for 4 hours I decided that this story shall take my TIFU-virginity - and here we are.
TL;DR : I made cheese-grated human by accident
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: half a liter is just over 1 tenth of 1 gallon... roughly 13% actually... a very small amount in comparison to an actual gallon let alone 2.
who exactly were you trying to call metrically challenged?
SawJong: Hahahaha, you got me there. I always give measures in both metric and imperial and this is the first time I've got it wrong. I googled "1 liter to gallon" on google, got something like 0.26.. and for some reason my brain decided that okay, half a liter must be 2 gallons.
Yes, I am a mathematician. FML.
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: are you a 14 year old mathematician?
[then stop saying shit like "FML"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O14k6sT8Fp8)
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409169359 | 1409170841 | t3_2er79a | t5_2to41 | 4 | doublepoly123: TIFU by swearing at my teacher on the phone.
This happened last school year, sophomore year of HS. Ok so it was finals week and I was gonna go on a field trip with my math teacher. The same day of the field trip I had a history final whick I thought I would take after the field trip.
Ok so the same day as my fuck up my sister calls from a school phone that she missed the bus and to tell my mom to pick her up. I say alright. 2 minutes later a school phone calls. Thinking it was my sister I pick up the phone and say "What in the fuck do you want bitch!" (Exact quote). They hang up. I look at caller id and see it wasnt my sister calling. About a minute later the same number calls, i pick up nicely and its my teacher. He says that im to take the history test before the field trip. And that he wants to talk to me about language.
At school he just tells me that i shouldnt say certain things without knowing who it is. So yeah.
TIFU by cussing out my teacher on the phone thinking it was my sister.
jiggider: classic....did that as well. Picked up the phone and told my "brother" to shut the fuck up. Math teacher was not happy. But we laughed it off in school
doublepoly123: Haha. I was so scared but it ended up alright in the end.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409170217 | 1409171127 | t3_2er8wt | t5_2to41 | 34 | whiskeydreamkathleen: TIFU by asking my friend if she died
i opened facebook and saw a bunch of people comment on my best friend's (seemingly random) status saying they loved her. i texted her jokingly saying i saw it and had to assume she died and would say nice things at her funeral, she told me her cousin killed herself just before she was going to go visit her.
**TL;DR joked my friend died, found out her cousin did.**
TIFUthetruestory: OP kills her best friend's cousin because they were getting 'too close.' OP then rubs her friends face in the deed mercilessly.
tiehunter: Your humor is so dark that if it were an age it would have set science back several centuries.
TIFUthetruestory: I'm working on it.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1409169839 | 1409170951 | t3_2er875 | t5_2to41 | 4 | reallybad_detective: TIFU by putting hot sauce in my nose
Im not good and intro so I'm gonna cut to the chase
Last night i had an incurably stuffy nose so i decide to sniff some hot sauce i got tired of holding it on my finger so i decided to just stick some in my nose. Oh My God was that a bad idea it started off burning a little but just kept getting worse I started freaking out stuck my head under the facet ran some water in my nose. it didn't help it just made me feel like I was drowning and then I remembered that when my older brother was getting hazed by his fraternity would have to put hot sauce on the balls and the only way to relief the pain would be to dunk there balls in milk. So I ran to the fridge poured some milk in my face but it just splashed my face not getting in my nose so I ran to the garage my nose searing in pain grabbed a funnel stuck it in my nose poured the milk in the funnel my nose. It felt orgasmic it was amazing and yea putting hot sauce in your nose doesn't work
TL;DR I hazed my nose
edit:I'm still sick so i don't really wana proof read
rolledupdollabill: is your nose still stuffy?
reallybad_detective: yes :(
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409170309 | 1409180648 | t3_2er92h | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving the keys in the car
I am 20 years old and just recently started driving. The car my boyfriend and I have is a 1991 Cadillac Deville. Her name's Lucille and she is a beast.
I got to drive the other night for our little ice cream date, I was getting out of the car and remembered to roll the windows up and lock the doors (which is really rare) so I turned the key a little to start the battery, did my duties and we went inside to eat.
I got a lava cake sundae...beez knees.
Anyways, we came outside and couldn't find the keys, look in the car and they're in the ignition. wut.
My boyfriend just walks away mad, we have no clue where the spare could be, his family is an hour away, mine three. So he went inside to use the phone (mine was in the car) and call his cousin who lives about 5 blocks from where we were. Turns out his spare key was over there but nobody was willing to bring it to us. (we did have a falling out with them not long ago, but come on, we made up why would they not help)
Anyways, to make a long story short a man pulled up just coming to buy milk, he ended up staying until close to midnight, not even getting his milk, to help us break into the car. Now Lucille's door, weather stripping, and pride is messed up forever.
And all we had to do in the first place was call Uncle Bo.
[deleted]: I'm sorry, let me specify where I am located.
It is not safe to walk even outside to smoke, let alone walk 5 blocks to get a key. But in reality, it wasn't 5 blocks, more like a 15 minute drive on a highway.
wolfpups: sounds like South Central but I know I'm wrong
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409171154 | 1409186038 | t3_2eramg | t5_2to41 | 124 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking my grandparents would knock before entering...
Reddit, Fuck me. This happened less than 10 minutes ago, and I'm afraid to go upstairs. No throwaway, because what the fuck.
Anyway, I was feeling in the mood, and decided to go have a shower and post some pics to R/GoneWildPlus.
Let me set the scene for you, I'm ass naked, doggy style, I have a vibrator in my pussy, a finger in my ass, taking pictures on webcam when BAM. My very, **VERY** Christian, conservative grandmother comes down to the basement to get the wine. She gets an entire view of what I am doing to myself, all while my computer is recording it. We both froze, in complete shock, when out of fucking nowhere, my hand decides to *keep going* knuckle deep in my ass, vibrator still on high, complete with eye contact.
TL;DR, I made myself cum while holding eye contact with my Christian grandmother.
Kashstover: Dam let me get that
Roert42: here guy http://imgur.com/a/PJCKd
umop_episdn_: No images there?
Roert42: ahh shit she must have deleted them, i think it was because the guy up there said they made him toss his lunch. you should be fine, there are plenty of other naked womans on the internet for you.
| 5 | 24.8 | |
1409171389 | 1409215630 | t3_2erb0n | t5_2to41 | 19 | wakinuptothesky: TIFU and drove the wrong direction ... for almost 50 miles.
If you're familiar with the roads and freeway system in the CA bay area, you know that it can be confusing for even a seasoned driver. So many freeways, highways, etc. I've been driving for two months, and exclusively in the milder northern part of the bay.
I decided to visit a friend who lives in the East Bay, which is a unique sort of clusterfuck of too many people who don't know how to drive. It was late though, and traffic was mild, so the drive down there wasn't bad. When I went to drive home this morning, it was a different story. Not quite rush hour, but still a fair bit of people. I was out of my element. I forgot about the toll road, and ended up having to pay with a $100 bill. I learned a lesson about trusting your gps, because it failed to update my location and didn't warn me about the merge from one freeway to another. I missed my exit, but I was just trying to get home and didn't notice the rapidly changing scenery. I had been driving for about 20 minutes before I realized that there were more signs for Sacramento than there should be, and traffic was seriously picking up. Again, I emphasize that I am a new driver, who doesn't go around much. The amount that I fucked up didn't sink in until I saw the city limit sign for Sacramento. Luckily, I was too mad at myself to be freaked out about driving in a large city.
So, in the end, I yelled at myself and then went to Sonics. I guess it wasn't a completely wasted trip.
DedHed8285: I would have went with a in n out burger if one was around, but hey, can never go wrong with Sonic either.
wakinuptothesky: I live very close to an inn n out, I'm over it.
DedHed8285: Well see, i'm in Michigan, and the closet inn n out to me is in Utah I think... haha.
swimbr070: They've got one in the Dallas/Fort Worth area now
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1409169435 | 1409215391 | t3_2er7f1 | t5_2to41 | 10 | HeroesLoveRedheads: TIFU by having my first kiss
Dearest reddit, this is yet another fuck up that happened years ago. I am going to tell the story of how one kiss lead to a year of unpleasantness, but first, some backstory. But if you want the short version:
TL;DR: I kissed a girl and it caused a year of angsty drama.
I was 16 and I was friends with what was then the only girl I had ever confessed to who hadn't run away screaming. She, let's call her "Julia", always gave me the impression of being somewhat naive. She seemed to get human emotions, but didn't get what caused them for certain things in other people. She also had a habit of taking every problem to a member of her family, usually her sister, who seemed equally naive. See, she and her siblings had grown up in an isolated corner of nowhere that made **my** crap town seem like it was the big apple. She also claimed to have had a lot of people back stab her in the past. There was quite a list of people that had apparently hurt her, of which only twenty percent I was able to in some way confirm. But I digress, I was friends with her, and couldn't do anything about it because she was dating some dude online at the time who may or may not have been cheating on her.
Eventually, one of my family members picked up on the fact that I liked Julia and began trying to convince me to make a move. They said things like "It's online, their relationship doesn't count" and "Relationships aren't worth shit at your age anyway". Meanwhile I was telling all of what was happening to my good friend and confidant, "Albert", who lived in another state. Albert told me that all of that was bullshit and that any attempts to make a move could only result in trouble. Consciously I agreed, though evidently a small part of me did not.
Fast forward several weeks. Julia and I are hanging out at her house, watching a movie when all of a sudden the world goes black and I find myself kissing her and holding her in my arms. Immediately after I said something along the lines of "My god, what have I done?", got up and hid behind a conveniently placed couch by lying face down on the floor. The only thing that drew me out was the sound of her giggling and telling me it was okay. In hind sight I really should have seen this as some kind of a warning, but at the time I was just glad I hadn't made her mad. I did, however, still feel like a total asshole and an idiot for having my first kiss with someone who was already with someone
A while after that she broke up with her online boyfriend and we began what I jokingly call a "De facto relationship", that is, it had most of the characteristics of a relationship, but she absolutely refused to call it that and make it official. This went on for about a month until one day we abruptly stop hanging out. For about a week she hangs out with her ex, "Mark", instead. At the end us said week, she contacts me over Skype to tell me that Mark has asked her out again and she accepted. I was devastated, and it resulted in the first of many big arguments, though this time in particular, it was both her and her sister I had to argue with.
Relations became very tense after that, honestly I really should have just deleted her from skype, stopped speaking to her and moved on. But I was 16, I was an idiot and I thought that maybe if I just attempted to suppress my bloated feelings for her, we could happily remain friends. She and I would argue once a month. She started going some cold shit during this time. Once she invited me over, just to tell me, 30 minutes into a 45 minute drive that her boyfriend was coming over as well, this is less than a month after she first got together with him, mind you. Well I hardly responded to these with tact, being the wreck that I was, and ended up going into mood swings for a few months. Eventually I decided to just shut up every once in a while and our relations began to warm once more. My mental state, on the other hand, deteriorated and I began to have trouble sleeping at night. My birthday came and went and I barely noticed. Nothing seemed to have value any more. I did however, enjoy talking to Albert, and Julia when she was available.
It is somewhere around here, the autumn of my 17th year that things changed with her in a massive way. She began guilting me about how I had reacted in the aftermath of her getting back together with Mark and used it as an excuse to make rude remarks and call me names nearly every time we spoke in person. She also began placing restrictions on me, strange things like pronouncing words a certain way or making sure to message her at least once a day. If I failed to comply, she would do one of two things. She'd either say something along the lines of "Well I don't know if we can be friends then", or she'd begin to act all stubborn, start an argument and finally burst into tears and accuse me of going out of my way to start an argument. By the winter of that year, I had lost any and all feelings for her, and soon after I became more and more conscious of this behavior.
During the entire time, she often went to me for opinions when she had gotten into a disagreement with Mark. Usually it had something to do with a fact about Mark that anybody who met him instantly knew. He basically had the personality of a surfer dude, rarely, if ever, showing any emotion other than mellow and content. This annoyed her to no end and made me wonder what the hell caused in initial attraction. But any time I tried to speak about anything else, I risked an argument starting.
I did try to keep some resemblance of a friendship, but it was difficult. Any time we would play a game, she got to decide what game, even if she let me pick, she'd decide she wanted to do something else after five minutes. Any time I tried to have a conversation, she'd quickly change the topic. And any time I disagreed with her, even in passing, on a topic, she'd freak out, burst into tears then ban that topic from ever coming up again.
Well eventually she started banning topics involving history, which is my passion, and I simply ran out of things to talk about with her. Evidently she noticed and began pestering me to contact her more often and began to ask for me to come over for the first time in months. However, this time away from her allowed he to reflect on the past year and I realized something I already knew. Any time I had an opinion on anything, I was wrong unless I was agreeing with something she had just said. Every time something went wrong, she blamed me. She had been constantly complaining that I wasn't "putting enough effort" into our friendship. Any time she invited me over, she'd delay it, reschedule it and otherwise make it as big a hassle as possible for me to come. I realized these and many other things, so I simply stopped going out of my way to speak with her. This did not please Julia.
One day, a few weeks before we would graduate and likely never see each other again, she invited me over. For the first time ever, I refused. Mind you, I had good reason to, the nearly hour long drive to her home cost quite a bit in gas money, and my family was already struggling just to get my graduation gown. Well she didn't take kindly to this and persisted, asking for me to reconsider as least once a day for the rest of the week. Eventually the week ended and the day she expected me over came and went. Well that night she messaged me at two in the morning asking if I was sure I wanted to be friends. I responded that I was okay with remaining friends and it was at this that she began to act unreasonable. Accusing me of trying to sabotage our friendship, of treating everyone like numbers, of being a lazy asshole etc etc etc. I refused to have any of it and simply told her that I wasn't willing to argue about this. Eventually I'd had enough of her rambling and asked her to contact me when she was ready for a properly civil conversation. With that, I went offline. She continued sending messages for something like ten minutes after that. We scarcely spoke after that and even then I refused to say much more than a few words to her. Finally we removed each other from Skype and recently I realized that I had other people I associated with her on there as well and promptly removed them.
Of the entire affair, I have two regrets that stick out to me. The first is spending so much money on her, I probably bought her a hundred bucks worth of various things. The other is that I allowed her to compromise my morals by letting her force me to always be nice to a man we both knew who used the fact that he was (allegedly) gay to grab womens breasts and vaginas without consent and enjoyed talking to everyone as if we were mere peasants compared to him. He also did things like tell rape jokes to rape victims and act surprised when they got upset. I was one of the few people who ever called him out when he did shit like that and she forced me to stop.
And that, my friends, is my story. I admit, I'm an asshole for some of the things I did, but unfortunately I cannot go back and prevent 16 year old me from kissing her. Besides, I'm 18 now so it's best to look forward and not towards the past. Sorry for the massive post time.
OliStabilize: Bro your friend zone level was over 9000.
th3b1gr3d0n3: WHAT 9000?!?
Lord Freeza doesnt have a friendzone level that high.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409171786 | 1409173785 | t3_2erbro | t5_2to41 | 3 | pusspunter: TIFU by copping a feel.
TIFUthetruestory: OP misses the most obvious of obvious signals.
pusspunter: I was 13. I dont think that was a signal. If it was then I REALLY fucked up
| 3 | 1 | |
1409172952 | 1409401466 | t3_2ere15 | t5_2to41 | 950 | Reddit_Executive: TIFU by saying Hello to a lonely looking girl.
As with most stories on here, this is from my teen years. Long story, but that's what you're here for, right?
*Some preface to get you up to speed.*
I was 18, just graduated from high school. I had a fairly nice "office job" for the summer. My friend's dad got me and my friend a job in the mail room there. Nothing too demanding, just sort out the mail and cart it around, handing it out to the appropriate people. Collect mail and send it out. Easy job, good pay to fund my summer nights.
I had gotten rather buddy-buddy with the CEO and owner of the whole gig. He was a fairly nice guy. Your typical CEO family man, with a picture of him, his wife, and chubby little daughter on his desk. Very ornate wood desk, about like an executive's desk. I was always polite, lot of "sir" being used by me. He offered to take me in once I was done with college if I couldn't find work. I was rather ecstatic about that.
*This is where the story begins.*
It was labor day, and I was in our downtown area getting some coffee from Starbucks. My friends had all gone to some vacation destination with their families. My family couldn't quite afford anything at the moment. No big deal, I figured I'd just bum around town, maybe see a movie. That's when I saw her.
Cute blonde girl I had never seen before. She was slim, around 5'5", tanned skin, green eyes, nice boobs. Not hot, but very cute. She was just sitting by herself at a table looking lonely and bored. I decided why not, and went over to say hello.
Let's get something straight, I'm not very good looking. Think Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom) in 2006. Not bad, but not great. So, imagine my surprise when she lights up and looks delighted to talk to me. We hit it off and start talking a lot. We spend the day together talking and stuff. Then things get sexual around dinner. She says how mad she is at her parents for having work errands to run while she's home. And she tells me she wants to do some fantasy she's always had.
Her father apparently LOVES his garage. It's his little man cave with a car working area, wood working area, and a big leather couch with a big tv. And of course, she want to bang all over it. Being 18 and a man, I couldn't turn it down. She said that her parents would be out all night and we'd have the place to ourselves for about 3 more hours. I scarfed down my dinner, we got some condoms, and it was off to her place.
She started by giving me some amazing head in her dad's recliner. She said she wanted the easy one out so we could have more fun later. Little break. We did it on her dad's rolly thing that you use to go under cars. Another break (I'm not a pornstar after all). She tells me she wants to finish this with me bending her over her dad's wood working bench and fucking her from behind. Naturally, I obliged her request. As we're going at it she turns and says she wants to try anal. At this point, I'm thanking God for this horny little angel sent to me this Labor Day. We work it in, and start off slow. Eventually she wants it harder, so I go harder; and the bench is banging loudly against the wall, she's moaning, and I'm feeling like some amazing god of butt fucking.
Here's the thing, the banging and moaning overpowered the sound of the garage door opening. I'm about to cum when I see headlights making our shadow on the wall. And I'm cumming in this girl's butt as I hear "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO FUCKING DOING!" I pull out, well fall out is more right because there was no staying hard after hearing an angry dad yell.
I turn around and there's my boss. I'm standing naked in front of my boss with jizz and daughter-ass dripping off my dick. This is where I'd like to say that said something epic, slapped his daughter on the ass, and strolled outta there. But really, I just panicked and stumbled for my pants on his chair, pulled them on and ran outta there. No shoes or shirt.
Needless to say, I was fired the next day for some trumped-up reason. I never heard from her again.
**tl:dr: Boss caught be butt fucking his daughter.**
Edit: She was also 18.
FuckJohnGalt: I just dropped by to say the following: 1. I'm only here because I saw this on the front page before I logged in and 2. I never ever respond positively to any person who tells me that they really like Reddit.
OMG But Why, you ask? Well, it's not just because of posts like this. But because of all the upvotes it has received and the commenters here who believe not only that this painfully stupid bullshit is real but that the OP is some sort of sex god and role model and his female sex partner is to be vilified as a shameful and disgusting slut. Plus of course, naturally OP decided to really go for it and make up some nonsense about anal sex as well.
I would be so happy to find out that everyone who upvoted this and who replied positively to it died painfully and slowly in a terrible and tragic fire. This is the kind of thing that makes me want to believe in a deity so that I may pray to it to make the fire happen and the deaths I wished for as well.
Who knows? Maybe with some luck, that wonderful day may yet come to be.
CocoLeFleur: TL;DR - this guy reeeeeeeally disliked the story
FuckJohnGalt: TL;DR - this guy reeeeeeeeeally dislikes any criticism of Reddit.
CocoLeFleur: I upvoted your original comment, Sir.
FuckJohnGalt: PLOT TWIST. So how come you combined that with somewhat of a sneering put down?
CocoLeFleur: It wasn't supposed to be!
FuckJohnGalt: ANOTHER plot twist! What was it supposed to be then?
CocoLeFleur: A humorous summary that would gain me many upvotes, lots of free beer and copious amounts of loose women.
FuckJohnGalt: Aw shit. Your plan did not take off as hoped. This is what happens when you make jokes at the expense of random strangers. This is your tifu of the day. Try making a post about it?
CocoLeFleur: I may. I could call it 'TIFU by accurately TL;DR'ing a comment on Reddit'.
FuckJohnGalt: Nah. It was inaccurate. So there's another TIFU in your column.
CocoLeFleur: Disagree.
FuckJohnGalt: You're incorrect.
CocoLeFleur: With all due respect, you are deluded.
| 15 | 63.333333 | |
1409173488 | 1409176348 | t3_2erf1r | t5_2to41 | 5 | houstontx87: TIFU by going to the doctor
Thatoneguywhofailed: This doesn't seem like a fuck up though.
hydad: Well, not going to the doctor for many years, in that case, is a fuck up.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409174187 | 1409248387 | t3_2ergc0 | t5_2to41 | 179 | catsrdumb: TIFU by sending my friends and family snapchats of my penis.
Throwaway account here.
I went on 4chan and saw dirty Snapchat request threads and decided to make one myself just for fun. I exchanged snapchats with some of the girls on the thread and then sent out a picture of my dick to everybody on my list. Little did I know that you can friend people on Snapchat by having them in your phone's contacts. My entire family saw the snapchats and I got some mortified phone calls after it happened.
SawJong: I hope at least some of your female friends complimented you on it?
catsrdumb: Most of them didn't respond, but those that did were more focused on the fact that I sent it to my mother and 8 year old cousin. I wasn't hard in the picture, but luckily I'm a shower and not a grower ;)
lackofcommitme: Who the hell takes pics of their flaccid penis?
DS_TheDrunkHeavy: Showers.
viktorlogi: *Not* growers.
| 6 | 29.833333 | |
1409176353 | 1409187005 | t3_2erk95 | t5_2to41 | 3 | 6yearoldgurl: TIFU by grabbing my brothers dick while trying to wake him up
at0mheart: Sad thing is I heard he tries to play the same *grab my foot* game every morning.
OliStabilize: Dirty bastard loves giving foot rubs.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409173692 | 1409189090 | t3_2erff7 | t5_2to41 | 17 | 69brofist: TIFU by joking in class
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was a bitch. He said no and her friend said "wow what did you pay him?" And Of course I couldn't refuse the opportunity to say "her virginity" in a joking way. After class her and her group of friends confronted me about It and made it seem like I killed her family. I'm pretty sure they are gonna try to beat me up.
Dr_Mysterious: Sounds like a innocent joke to me.
69brofist: It was, she obviously has issues.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1409177217 | 1409227478 | t3_2erlwa | t5_2to41 | 53 | PaleoclassicalPants: TIFU by showing my sister a hole a broken piece of candy cane had poked in my foot.
This happened a long while back when I was 12 years old.
Growing up, we lived across the street from a retired Veteran, a Combat Medic who served during the Vietnam War. The man had been through some of the worst things imaginable, but he still turned out as one of the nicest people I've ever met. He volunteered in the community, greeted everyone with a wave, and wanted nothing more than to make people smile. He also volunteered at a local church, where they had a few extra boxes of Candy Canes from their Christmas decorations. My mother knew him him well, and we got a few of the boxes. I drop one of the candy canes at home and accidentally step on it. If you don't know, Candy Canes are made of pure adamantium, and can be sharpened to a lethal edge. The cane breaks and a shattered piece pokes through the plastic and stabs me in the heel, creating a weird little cut. My sister had only recently gotten up that day, and was walking around with a blanket draped around her. I try to show her the brutal damage caused by the candy cane, but she runs away. I pursue her, and step on the blanket that's trailing behind her, stopping her in her tracks. She grabs the blanket, with me on top of it, and yanks it with both hands. It slides out from under me like in one of those table-cloth tricks, and I'm suddenly falling backward, almost horizontally. My left foot hits the ground first, and all of my toes bend forward under my foot. The entirety of my body weight is then channeled down, and my toes bend a complete 180 degrees down and under, as my weight flattens the joints. So I basically sent my toes and the front half of my foot pointing the complete wrong direction, then flattened the bend like folding a piece of paper. I'm crying and moaning and writhing in pain, but my father assures me that it's only turf toe and that it should be fine by the next few days. About 3 days go by, and I'm still unable to walk, or put any sort of pressure on the foot without extreme pain. In addition, I regularly complain of a sharp 'stabbing' pain coming from inside my foot. My mother gives in and makes an appointment to see a doctor, where she believes he will affirm that it will clear up soon. I beg for an X-Ray, thinking I'd seriously hurt myself, and I receive it. I one-footedly hop over to the X-Ray Light Box with my mother, and anxiously wait for the scans to develop. The doctor comes in and my mother asks if I had broken my foot, with the doctor responding with something like 'See for yourself' as he slaps the images on the lightbox. My foot wasn't just broken, it was **messed** up, I mean absolutely fucking obliterated. My 2 smallest toes had clean fractures straight through, my middle toe had broken into 3 separate chunks, and my largest 2 toes were shattered into about a dozen pieces. The real damage wasn't to my toes though, as the doctor described with that pitying tone you use when telling someone bad news. My phalanges had taken the brunt of the impact, and it definitely showed. My phalanges were turned to fucking dust, shattered into more pieces than I could possibly count. What I then found out, was that the sharp pain I was feeling was bone fragments stabbing the inside of my foot. The growth plates in the middle were also severely damaged, and some of my bone growth ended up being stunted. A few months of glue, screws, wires and surgeries later, and I was finally back to normal, although I did cost my family a few thousand dollars in medical bills. I didn't even have a good story to tell about it. I didn't break it playing sports, by being a hero, or taking a bike off a sweet jump.
I obliterated my foot by chasing my sister to show her my candy-induced war wounds.
Jgglvr: Ouch man, had similar events happen with my parents but not that bad. Definitely learned to always go to doctors for everything, you just never know!
Evilkill78: Amen brother/sister. Ok story time. This is the first time I've posted this story on reddit... And there are a few fuckups in this story, one of them was mine actually...
**TL;DR: pain in my leg, thought it was "growing pains", ended up staying the night in the hospital because I ate a sandwich. Doctor made a minor mistake during the surgery and now I have a permanent sharpie mark on my upper thigh.**
So, for the month preceding my 13th birthday, I had these "growing pains" in my left hip. And for some reason, it hurts to put pressure on it. Just after my birthday, I go to the doctor's office, the appointment is early in the morning, so I don't eat breakfast, and she has me walk across the room a couple times, and tells me to get an X-ray. Of course I comply, and at this point, I'm genuinely curious. This is the first time I've needed anything like this... Oddly enough, the X-Ray came out looking pretty normal. There were no glaring issues, and I went on with my day. I ate a sandwich when I got home, because I was starving at that point.
As I'm finishing the godforsaken thing (at least it tasted good...) my parents get a call from the hospital by my house "Hey, Children's Hospital is waiting for you. Don't put ANY PRESSURE ON THAT LEG." So my dad fireman carries me to the car. And we're off.
Upon getting to the hospital, I'm greeted with a wheelchair, and i get brought up to the orthopedic department. Where I learn that the growth plate on my left leg actually slipped just a *teensy* bit out of place, and that's what was causing all the pain. The rare (0.01%) condition is called a Slipped Capital Femoral Epiphysis, but because that's a mouthful, the doctors call it a SCFE (pronounced skiffee).
Then they asked that question: "have you eaten today?" All I'd had that day was the lone sandwich...
Unknowingly, I reply, "yeah, I had a sandwich before I came here, why?"
"You're gonna have to stay the night in the hospital then, we can't put you under without your stomach being empty."
Fuck.
So I stay the night in the hospital, luckily, my surgery is the first thing the next morning, so I don't have to go hungry for long. They put me under at 8, put a screw in each leg, (there's increased risk of the other side slipping when the first one does, so I told them to put the other one in) I wake up around 11. The surgery went perfectly.
A few weeks later, after I've pulled out the remainder of the dissolving stitches, I realize I still have an odd black spot next to the scar on my right side.
I go to one of my post surgery checkups and ask about it, to which the doctor laughs and says "Ha, yeah... That's a sharpie mark I made when I went to put the pin in, turns out it was the wrong place... And it looks like the scar tissue grew over it, there's nothing I can really do about it now."
So to this day I have a screw in both legs, and a truly permanent sharpie mark on my leg.
Teshinator: No lawsuit?
Zooduid: **American detected.** Seriously dude you don't need to sue over every little fucking thing.
Evilkill78: Haha exactly, it's not anything bad, just a little dot, and 99% of the waking time it's covered by clothes anyway (it's on my far upper leg)
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1409176405 | 1409180379 | t3_2erkd4 | t5_2to41 | 34 | Oneeyedwily: TIFU by infecting my own eye with my cum.
Using a throaway for this one since i'm not sure i could handle my friends finding out just yet!
So last week i went a music festival in the UK called Leeds Festival. I was there for the full weekend, had an amazing time and managed to get lucky while i was there! Now this might seem like a great thing, but as always after having drunken unprotected and very non erotic, sexual intercourse in a 2 man pop up tent with a yoga mat for padding. I thought i'd get myself checked out.
Now it usualy takes a week or two for you get the results back from the test lab to let me know whether my womb broom will be ready for action or not. I on the other hand think i may have got my result early!
I awoke to find i may have had some morning glory going on and had a fair bit of time to spare before work, so did what only came natural to me and started to choke the chicken. At this point i was laying on my back, and having a good old tug until BAM!! The loads blown, and before i know it i've got projectile ejaculatory fluids racing towards my face. The cum hits me directly in the eye and my god does it burn! So with all my great wisdom i try to rub it out, instead of just running to the bathroom like a normal person.
Fast forward 6 hours and i'm sat at work and my eye looks like it might be infected. I make myself a doctors appointment and before i know it i'm sat in the doctors office being told i have conjunctivitus most probably caused by an STD which i'm still waiting to hear about.
Long story short kids. Don't be silly, wrap your willy.
[deleted]: Another fuck up caused by Masturbation, when will it end?!?
I think it's just because you rubbed your eye, probably just red from the rubbing and not the potential STD cum.
perilouspixie: Yeah, the rubbing was definitely an issue either way...
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1409176576 | 1409180364 | t3_2erko9 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to post in TIFU while at work and failing to close the browser.
Earlier today at work, I decided to post in TIFU about how I jizzed in a water bottle after a good wank and forgot to throw it out and how my mother re-used it to drink water. She thought our water filter was dirty. Anyways, the fuck up was that as I was finishing my post, my boss asked me if I could move my car, because he was in a hurry and my car blocked his. So I rushed to move my car, but little did I realize I forgot to minimize my window. As I came in, my boss gave me a concerned look, pulled me to the back, and told me to use a sock next time...
TL;DR
I fucked up by forgetting to minimize my browser at work and having my boss see my post. I am deleting my history after this post.. fml
muxtaiter: That's like...[double TIFU!](http://i.imgur.com/t2qJ7cl.jpg)
murderouspanda00: c c c combooooooooooo
| 3 | 7 | |
1409168268 | 1409185082 | t3_2er588 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Bonanza86: Tifu by trying to open a pack of frozen hotdogs.
I was around 8 years old at the time. It was mid-afternoon, and my stomach was itching for a frank to nuke in our Panasonic microwave. Unfortunately, the only hotdogs we had were frozen solid. 8-year old me didn't want to wait several minutes for the franks to thaw out, so I grabbed the bread knife nearby and preceded to do something incredibly stupid. You know how people say you should cut away from yourself? My left hand was placed firmly on the frozen package, while my right hand struggled with the bread knife to find an opening. A moment later, I lost my footing and the knife I was holding cut my index finger. Oh no, it wasn't slow bleeding. It was shake-up-a-full-2-liter-bottle-of-soda-and-twist-the-cap type bleeding. Screaming, I grabbed as many paper towels as I could to wrap my finger and ran to my mother and aunt, who were watching Oprah in the other room. They quickly took me to the bathroom sink and ran lukewarm water over my cut. It took a few minutes for the bleeding to stop, but it finally did. I still never got to eat my hotdog. :c
r0b0torg: Good to know it was a Panasonic. .. and btw you can Mic frozen corn dogs why not 'franks'?
Bonanza86: I don't know. I guess I never really thought about it. I mean, I could have defrosted them, but I was young and very impatient. Plus, it was one of those huge packs of frozen franks, so cooking them all would have defeated the purpose.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409179015 | 1409186560 | t3_2erp21 | t5_2to41 | 81 | [deleted]: TIFU by using thinking putty as a flesh-light.
So this happened a few days ago, when i found a tin like container of [thinking putty](http://media.firebox.com/pic/p439_column_grid_12.jpg) in a box while unpacking in my new dorm. I vaguely remember getting it for Christmas a few years back, and I guess one of my parents must of packed it. Anyway I was playing around with it for a while; making putty people, bouncing it, stretching it over my face, etc. Until i got bored, and being the horny teenager I am I decided to have a wank. Then it hit me, I have always wanted a flesh-light but was terrified of the thought of the parcel arriving only for my mother to open it have a panic attack. But what if I could use this flexible warm material as a homemade one?
So i poked a big (very big) hole through it and went nuts, it was...okay, not much better than my hand, and there was way to much friction. Anyway I was done so I went to remove the makeshift vagina and clean up, and here's where shit hit the fan. The putty was stuck. Stuck to my pubes, and I don't means a few pubes, I mean my entire uncut bush. My roommates who i had yet to meet were expected to show up at any moments, and I had a giant ball of thinking putty entwined in my pubic hair.
I must of spent at least half an hour trying to pry it of, I even run it under hot water, but I knew there was only one way, I rummaged through the remaining unpacked box's until I found my bathroom supplies, where there was a tiny pair of scissors, I went in the shower to loosen the putty, and barely managed to find room to cut of my pubes, there was still tiny chunks of the putty in my remaining pubes so I had to shave them of. Now all I had to do was get rid of this red gooey clump of putty, I did so by flushing it piece by piece down the toilet.
Never again.
Tl;dr: fucked putty, putty didn't want to leave.
SneakerReplicas: > So i poked a big (**very big**) hole through it and went nuts
Had to stroke your ego huh? Such a teenager thing to do.
Omphalophobiac: Well, i mean, he was already onto the business of stroking other things...
Superamazingname: Like his penis.
Omphalophobiac: Exactly like his penis.
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1409180324 | 1409258285 | t3_2err83 | t5_2to41 | 544 | biotoxin388: TIFU by sending 95,000 txts in three days (proof and updates in the pudding)
PLEASE STOP ASKING ME FOR ONE PLUS INVITES. I HAVE NONE TO GIVE. I'm happy to pm ama about the One tho, and if there is interest will be posting in r/Android.
UPDATE #2 AT BOTTOM
First off im on mobile so sorry I can't hyperlink images for you guys. 2nd names and exacts have been changed. 3rd I will update. TLDR at bottom.
Near the end of the summer, a running joke developed between myself and a classmate, let's call her 'Abbie.' It must be noted Abbie has a sister, 'Carly.'
At 1:43 am, Abbie and I txted, and we'd txt the other, for shits and giggles. This past Sunday was the last day of summer vacation and as a joke I set a txting app (Txt later, for Android) to txt her at 1:43, "Welcome back!!!!."
I wake up the next morning and the notification bar reads, "Message to Abbie failed." Well, too bad, whatever, I go on with my day.
A few hours later, just as school is starting, I get a call from Carly, a vary noisy call and I didn't understand anything from it. Well, too bad, whatever, day goes on.
Around lunch time I ran into Abbie in the halls I smile, and tell her that I meant to txt her last night. She almost looses it, "Are you fucking kidding me, you 'meant to?' You txted me like 500 times!" I say, "umm, no I didn't, what are you talking about?"
Abbie tells me she has to go and that we'll talk later.
Abbie and I have physics together later that day, as we wait for the teacher to come to unlock the classroom, Abbie shows me her phone, and there in fact was an ungodly amount of txts from me, all reading: Welcome Back!!!!
Abbie tells me that carly had to show her how to block my number, because the notifications were getting unbearable. I tell her I know nothing of it, and that I only meant to txt her once.
Not to mention, on my side, on my phone, there is no record of me txting her, not once.
Fast forward two days, its Wednesday, aka today. She had unblocked me on Tuesday, because I thought I had resolved the problem, but reblocked cuz the txts kept coming. Also, for the past three days my phone has been mildly hot, and horrific battery life.
I restarted my phone, I cleared the RAM, I deleted the Txt Later app, I deleted her contact, I tried everything. But every time she unlocked me, the floodgates opened.
Idk why it didn't occur to me earlier, but I finally decided to check my monthly At&t statement to see if she was exaggerating the quantity of txts. SHE WAS NOT. She nor I had any idea of the sheer volume of txt messages.
About 93,000 txts earlier today, since then, and as I write this, the number has exceeded 95k, and likely 96.
http://imgur.com/SJCyWPs
Thats a screenshot from my bill statements. Notice the increase over the short periods of time.
Anyways, I will continue to work to resolve this matter, and will keep yall updated on numbers and hopefully the solution. I will be resetting my phone within the hour.
TlDR: Used a 3rd party app to txt a girl as a joke, the app fucked up and sent 95k txts to a girl.
P.s. No, we don't have a thing, Abbie and I are both in separate and happy relationships.
P.p.s. if someone wants to teach me to hyperlink on mobile, I will love you forever.
Edit, we passed the 100k mark
Update: I FIXED IT! I'm prepping an Imgur album of screenshots for yall
U2: http://imgur.com/a/prdFk
adamdabadboy: Damn you're lucky you have unlimited texts, imagine the costs if you didn't.
Another_Mid-Boss: The only plan AT&T has that doesn't offer unlimited text messages costs $.20/sms. So OP would be out around $20,000, which is about the cost of a brand new Civic.
GAY_GRANDPA: Hey, yet another person who measures prices in Hondas! A brand new civic si at that.
Another_Mid-Boss: Alternatively about 4 or 5 used MX-5s.
GAY_GRANDPA: 4 r32 skyline gts-t s
OD_Emperor: Where are you getting it for that price?
GAY_GRANDPA: Canada
OD_Emperor: You lucky SOB.
GAY_GRANDPA: Are you from MURICA? I'm so sorry you don't have them there.
OD_Emperor: Yep. I'm so sad that we don't have them here. I'd love an R34 one day but getting one here will be so much hassle it almost wouldn't be worth it.
GAY_GRANDPA: Sign [This](https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/repeal-dotepa-%E2%80%9C25-year-rule%E2%80%9D-car-import-ban-15-years-and-allow-importation-non-conforming-cars-and/PhZ4RMgz), hopefully it helps.
OD_Emperor: Haha I've signed it 3x with my emails. :p
GAY_GRANDPA: Hopefully it works 😅
OD_Emperor: There's no reason to have this silly law anymore.
GAY_GRANDPA: Agreed.
| 16 | 34 | |
1409180284 | 1409213515 | t3_2err66 | t5_2to41 | 141 | ScrotumShot: TIFU by making the term "scrotum-shot" appear all over my country's news...
Obviously a throwaway. I am only sharing this so that, perhaps, our tradition could reach beyond our humble borders.
In Norway, we have this thing that we call "julebord", or, directly translated, "Christmas table". This is a gathering of people who for example work together, or have a lot in common. This all started one and a half year ago, but the events at one of these particular "Christmas tables" would send shock waves that none of us were able to grasp at the time.
At my Business School, we're a group of maybe 25 people who are in the same group in our student union. We were having this "Christmas table", and people were getting far beyond tipsy. This is not the most decent bunch I know, mind you, but nothing could prepare me for this.
As the evening progresses, me and some of the other guys realize that we're all out of booze in our immediate proximity, so we all stumble our way to the cooling room where all the booze and drinks are stored. We close the door behind ourselves, and find a couple of bottles. One of the guys goes "shit, there are no glasses here"... It's all a bit blurry, but before we knew it, we were all standing with our pants at our heels, scrotum in hand.
This is what we did. You grab each side of the scrotum with your hands, drag it out, and make a "bowl" of the skin. Proceed to fill bowl with spirits. Another person then proceeds to "suck it up" with his mouth in the same motion as when you say "ooooouuuh".
Now, this is all fine and dandy. This happened in private, and no fragile souls were harmed. However, this horrible tradition (amongst others) was carried on since then. Last week was mentor week at my school, and our group had our own post at a pub crawl. Our eccentric members of course thought it to be intelligent to teach this tradition on to the brand new students at our fine institution. "Scrotum-shots for points!".
And they did. The poor souls did take scrotum-shots at a public bar. So much that we had to close the candy store. However, it was too late. Our milkshake had already brought all the journalists to the yard. The jellybeans had been swallowed. The Easter-bunny had finished his... Whatever, you catch my drift.
Now, one and a half year after the initial invention, this has come back to haunt us. While our scrotums used to only be on each other's lips, and the lips of fresh students, our scrotums are now on EVERYBODY'S lips. We are forever known as the "scrotum-shotters".
It's all in Norwegian, but the word "pungshot" is literally translated to... Scrotum-shot.
http://m.db.no/2014/08/27/nyheter/studenter/innenriks/student/utdanning/34993404/
http://www.bt.no/nyheter/lokalt/--Pungshots_-kremslikking-og-blotting-av-bryster-pa-fadderuke-3183663.html
http://khrono.no/content/sexfikserte-nhh-studenter
And it has since been mentioned on a range of popular radio podcasts.
Such is life.
inagarten: I'm amazed that your first idea for an improvised drinking vessel was each others' scrota. This sounds like the logic you only find in porn.
steel_shot: Drink from the bottle? Hands? Nah let's drink from each other's ballsack and go oooooooha
juksayer: You gotta make then noise or you don't get to drink anymore.
| 4 | 35.25 | |
1409181879 | 1409196465 | t3_2ertt0 | t5_2to41 | 29 | Haess: TIFU by posting my topless girlfriend..
So on Monday night, my girlfriend decided to shave her head completely.. I thought it was awesome and was completely supportive, as winter is coming and short hair is easier to manage what with winter coming and everything..
So we finished shaving it all in the early morning, and I took a [picture] (http://i.imgur.com/NJTaIKB.jpg) and posted it to Facebook, showing it off to a few hundred friends and family... Garnered several dozen likes..
However..
As some of you may have noticed, there is some nipple showing.. I only realized this last night around 8pm after several messages from some close friends.
Needless to say, I'm in the doghouse just a wee bit :/
I know this isn't anything too crazy but.. Damn, was I oblivious to the nipplage..
EDIT: THE MAIN CONCERN WAS HAVING FAMILY SEE IT, FRIENDS/REDDIT=NOT A HUGE DEAL.. Hopefully I don't have to explain this yet again..
4ss4ssinLoL: i thought more hair = more heat
Haess: Heat escapes through the top of your head the most I believe
TheDewyDecimal: So the more hair you have the warmer you are, which is a plus during winter...
Haess: Try a shaved head in the winter, it's great not having to fix your hair after wearing headgear of whatever sort, plus less likely to dry your scalp out
DedHed8285: Easier to mange, yes, but as a guy who shaves his head, in the deep winter months, if its like below 35 degrees (in the US) Yeah, i'm not going out without a hat. Now reason I shave my head, starting to loose hair anyway, so might as well get use to being bald.
Haess: Yup, we're in Colorado, I keep longer hair in the spring/summer and shaved bald for fall/winter.. Below 35f, yeah, we're wearing toques (ski cap, whatever.. Beanie?)
DedHed8285: Funny thing is, I have no problem growing a beard for the winter, need a way to keep the face warm lol. But kind of like you said, without hair, when ya pull a hat off, no hat hair. And being your in Colorado, i'd almost guess your winters are probably more brutal than where I'm at. I'm over in Michigan. This last winter was down right horrible.
Haess: Aw man, winters here are easy.. I came from Calgary, Alberta, Canada over a decade ago, started out in Minnesota, winters out there are really crappy because of the humidity and the lack of Chinook winds from the mountains.. Iowa wasn't any better..
No, winters here are easy compared to the frozen hell of the midwest.. I don't think I'd enjoy Michigan one bit.. Hell, Christmas Day here, it's been in the 50's for the last few years..
DedHed8285: Oh man that must be nice! Just in one snowfall here last year, we got dumped with 18 inches of snow, had snow drifts near 26 inches I think. I could probably dig up pictures of it if you know, you really want to see it lol. When that system rolled threw, we had some of the coldest air we've ever had here, with wind chills and gust, at times it was like -40. Said you could get frost bite within 15 minutes if that. Then about a week or two later, got another snowfall of about 10 inches. Was one of the coldest winters on average, we set the record for most consecutive days with at least a inch of snow on the ground. Was over 85 days for sure I think. And my area set the record for most snowfall in a season as well. It was so long and miserable.
Haess: Damn.. Colorado has the best all round weather I've experienced in Colorado.. Last winter we had a week of - 20 weather.. And we were in Arizona at the time lol.
I mean, it does get cold and windy here but nothing like you describe.. I think the most we got in one go was maybe 8 inches? Not terrible at all.
And Chinook winds can take it from 20f on Monday to 60+ for a few days.. No real snow accumulation for the most part, at least not what you're used to..
| 11 | 2.636364 | |
1409176562 | 1409215418 | t3_2erkmz | t5_2to41 | 176 | PM_ME_SHOEPICS: TIFU by not emptying my backpack on the first day of school
So I recently found this sub and I have been itching to tell my story ever since.
It was a few years ago on the night before the first day of 8th grade. I had just moved, so it was going to be an entirely new school. I find my sisters nice North Face backpack she used for college two years prior. I pack up all my supplies ready to go for tomorrow morning. So I get up the next morning and go to school,nervous as hell.Get through my first two classes. I'm walking down the hallway when I trip (would've been bad enough at that) and next thing I know, there are about a dozen tampons all around me. Turns out I left the front pocket unzipped and that was my sisters secret stash. I was then known at that school for the rest of the year as "Tampon Kid". Luckily we moved again after that school year.
f4a2t0c: You should've said they were for plugging bulletholes.. I doubt anyone would've called you tampon kid then :P
phillyboy673: I think "Buttplug Kid" would get more respect than "Tampon Kid".
Edit: I read it wrong and refuse to change it.
Rawrsh: It's okay. I read butthole too.
Stealthbmxer: i just read your coment and had to look at f4a´s coment and realised it says "bulletplug". Something is wrong with the people on reddit everyone seemedd to read "buttplug"
| 5 | 35.2 | |
1409182875 | 1409278454 | t3_2ervf7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | TIFUThrowaway11: TIFU By telling a co-worker, friend I was physically attracted to him because I couldn't stand up to my sister.
Yep. This happened months ago.
I don't make friends easily, especially male friends. I'm a fat chick and I know that means the average white male will think that I am desperate for affection. I was lucky enough to begin cultivating a friendship with a co-worker who didn't give me the 'Oh crap the fat chick wants to talk to me.' vibe.
Was I happy? Yeah. Real friends are a rarity for me so it was taking a while for it to sink in that this guy was not feigning interest. I was excited to have another person outside of my tiny circle to talk to and share interests with but I was nervous that my excitement over a new relationship wasn't misconstrued as a crush so I was probably cautious to a fault.
I live with my sister who has health issues and she's a bit of a shut-in. When I would talk about this new friend her brow would lower, her jaw would become set and she would become short with me. I couldn't help myself. This guy is intelligent and interesting. I wasn't trying to be boastful about making a new friend I just having a conversations with her about related topics.
A few weeks go by and I'm starting to relax around him but my sister is still treating me with disdain when I mention him. It all comes to a head when I come home for lunch and overhear her on the phone with a friend of hers. She's telling her friend that I am too stupid to be friends with this person. I'm boring and don't rise to his level of intelligence. I was devastated. I thought her anger towards me was coming from the fact that she doesn't get out and meet new people because her health restricts her social life. I didn't realize it was because she felt I wasn't worthy of a this guys friendship.
I was truly gutted and I felt I had to make a choice. Face her abusive behavior and be miserable at home or tell this guy, this co-worker, that I can't hang out with him anymore because my sister thinks I am and asshole. I should have let everything marinate but I didn't. Rather than confront my sister about her phone conversation I went to him and told him that I think I'm attracted to him physically. I assumed it would be a great way to scare him away. It sorta worked. He really is a decent guy and didn't run away screaming but we no longer hang out and I kick myself because he really is just a solid person and I miss his wit and the uniqueness he brought into my life. I attempted to redact my comment the next day but you just can't take that kind of shit back.
Some months after embarrassing myself I confronted her about the conversation I heard her having with her friend. She tried to deny it. At that time I was still able to quote what I heard and she conceded but it wasn't because she didn't like him... At the end of the confrontation she attempted to take an entire bottle of hard liquor to her room and drink until it was gone or she was. This is a person who is on very serious medications that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol. I stopped her by threatening to dial 911 if she didn't put the bottle down. The scene was bullshit drama that I do not like to have in my life and exactly what I was trying to avoid in the first place.
I am still pissed that I let her cruel words take me to a juvenile place. I am pissed that I didn't have the ovaries to confront my angry sister. The worst part is I still feel like an ass for putting a really nice guy in an awkward position even though the likelihood that he has thought twice about what I said is zero to none.
TL;DR I told a co-worker I 'liked' him because I didn't have the ovaries to confront my angry sister.
Landredr: I feel like if you told him the truth he would have understood. He sounds like a social Adonis so I doubt he'd be angry or not believe you.
TIFUThrowaway11: I chickened out because I was afraid that he would see me as weak. Also I didn't want my sister to look like a troll in his eyes.
I'm sure if I would have mentioned it to him it would have been like water off a duck's back.
Landredr: I mean, the way you describe him, he doesn't seem like he'd be all that judgmental but you know him better than I do. Assumptions are a big gamble to take. Assuming what someone thinks is like guessing the number is 5 out of a few hundred.
TIFUThrowaway11: I won't rehash the issue with him but, yeah, he's pretty neat and he probably would have let it slide and respected whatever I needed to do to handle my sister. Social Adonis??? I doubt it. He's cool in my book.
You are right about assuming though so I'll never know.
I had work related contact with him today, on the phone and briefly in person, and it was the first time I felt genuinely relaxed since that day.
Everyone's feedback help to put things into perspective. Especially yours. Thanks.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1409184567 | 1409185355 | t3_2ery6n | t5_2to41 | 13 | apeman3289: TIFU by getting freshly cut jalapeño juice on my dick (NSFW)
So today was my coworker's last day so we went out to get some Mexican and beers after work. After slamming a few and trying various hot sauces, the owner of the restaurant brought us a jalapeño that he had grown in his yard. I smelled it and wanted nothing to do with it. So he chopped it up and gave it to us in a salsa (I have Mexican coworkers that wanted to try it) My Mexican coworkers decided to try it and said it was hot as fuck. This was not your ordinary jalapeño. I took some of the chopped pepper to smell it and lick my fingers to see what it tasted like.
This is where I fucked up. Big time.
Seeing as we had been drinking a couple beers, I had to take a piss. I went to the pisser and used the same hand that I used to test out the pepper. Huge fucking mistake. I was washing my hands afterwards and noticed some tingling on my dick. As soon as I sat back down that shit was on fire. I'm talking about the fire straight from Satan's anus in the deepest part of hell. I ran back to the bathroom and tried wiping it off with a cold wet paper towel to no avail. There was nothing I could do but wait it out. I was in so much agony that I had to immediately leave and drive home. Eventually the pain subsided, but it still doesn't feel right down there. Needless to say I'll never be making this mistake again.
TLDR: Got jalapeño juice on my dick. Hurt like no other pain I've ever experienced.
LPT: Don't touch your dick after getting jalapeño juice on your hands.
luvelywun: Dunk your dick in milk.
apeman3289: Didn't have milk readily accessible. Also couldn't think as I was panicking from said dick burning.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1409184856 | 1409186506 | t3_2erylt | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to spoon my wife
.
My_Empty_Wallet: I've been married for 7 years with no children and I haven had sex in twice as long...
virusvoid: I would make a pamflit on why sex is good and present it to your wife..
Or take a trip to the sex store that's always fun
My_Empty_Wallet: been there. done that. she agrees, then forgets.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1409185101 | 1409196263 | t3_2erz11 | t5_2to41 | 50 | zuckerberg23: TIFU by getting in a car
Short and sweet one from the golden years.
Once when I was getting picked up from school (reasonably young) I opened the car door, threw in my bag, sat in the front seat and proceeded to give my mum a big sloppy kiss on the cheek. The thing is, it wasn't my mum. It was a middle aged asian woman. I had just thrown my bag on her son. She didn't like it.
The real kicker is that my mums car was two behind hers and she saw the whole thing.
Well, I expected yelling and screaming from the lady. Surprisingly not. She just stared at me for a while.
It was very effective.
jway311: lucky you, I'm black and that would have led to a *lawsuit* :/
beeraholikchik: No, you'd just get shot.
jway311: psh asians don't carry guns, they carry math!
__Viper__: Upvoted all three comments.
| 5 | 10 | |
1409185647 | 1409189955 | t3_2erzwo | t5_2to41 | 3 | LiterallyATurkey: TIFU by not knowing "hooking up" apparently means "having sex" now
sweeptheleg1981: Damn, i'm 33 and "hooking up" meant sex when I was in High School. Of course it depends on the context, but when in written form I would construe your post as meaning you had sex.
domesticadventures: Same here, and I'm older than you.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409188596 | 1409192552 | t3_2es4j2 | t5_2to41 | 17 | BaliCoffee: TIFU By Saving My Cat From An Acid Bath
I live in a pretty cool apartment. It's close by the beach, it's in a cool secluded neighborhood, it's surrounded by huge trees that form serene tunnels over the roads. There's just one thing about it that sucks... the plumbing.
Apparently this apartment has plumbing older than the Aztecs, so the diameter of the pipe coming out of the shower is smaller than a quarter (so I've been told). This means it *constantly* gets stopped up.
I have a special shower plunger where I cause unheard of amounts of damage to the stagnant water beast.
I've tried everything to solve the issue, to no avail. Roto-rooters, chemicals, boiling hot water... the works.
My current solution (which I feel bad for the environment, but I need to shower), is to use Drano once a week.
My bathroom door, conveniently for this story, also doesn't lock. Normally this isn't an issue because I try to prop it shut, but this time I must have forgot.
So here I am one day, doing my weekly Drano bookkeeping, when in comes my cat who seemed to have intelligently pushed the door open wanting to know what was doing.
Not hearing her soft elegant paws on my soft elegant bathroom rug, I went about my business instead.
Then she jumped in the tub... completely filled cat-knee-deep with un-drained Drano.
My brain went into full on, unadulterated chimp mode.
I grabbed the cat with such vigor and swiftness, and rushed to the kitchen to wash her.
First of all, she didn't enjoy this interruption. My cat loves me very much but doesn't like when I give her noogies or mess with her fur... so this rapid change in vertical acceleration was VERY not appreciated.
This already caused a panic, and the fun hadn't even started yet.
I needed to act very, very quickly though, as... I'm no chemist, but I figured the fire-hot burning Drano would be setting in any second...
I rushed into the kitchen holding my baby, and then the unthinkable happened... I turned on the faucet.
I will take this moment to say how much my cat hates baths. About as much as a quadriplegic loves getting kidney stones the size of chickpeas.
Instantly I felt the claws dig into my arm, tearing my skin like freshly basted turkey dinner. I screamed like a girl and the cat dove out of my arms like 10 leviathan hell demons screaming out of the sewers.
It jumped STRAIGHT for the couch... then all over the other furniture, my clothes on the floor, and pretty much everywhere you don't want Drano in your house.
I sucked up the pain, and delicately but quickly swooped up the cat for round 2, knowing my time was running out.
I drenched my cat. Sadly I couldn't give her the elegant care she deserves when bath giving, but this was a crises and her safety was more important than comfort.
What happened next is akin to the horror movie Cabin In The Woods (which you should go see).
The more I vigorously bathed my poor scared, confused, drenched cat, the more blood was shed from claws and teeth.
I'm also not talking scratches here, but full puncture wounds. At one point I saw the teeth come down in s l o w m o t i o n... like a cob of corn, massive fangs repeatedly puncturing and re-puncturing the juicy meat on my arm. I have the vision of 2 black holes appearing in my arm, immediately replaced with squirting blood engrained in my brain.
Adrenaline was searing through my veins with the fury of 1000 suns, protecting me like a star wars shield from any pain.
Blood and Drano covered the kitchen. Cups and dishes were falling off the counter and smashing and spilling. Water was spraying everywhere... the floors, the walls, all completely soaked and in disarray. Drano from her claws entering into my bloodstream, with god knows what other diseases from her mouth and claws... this was the ultimate nightmare.
I powered through the situation, finally leading this story to it's resting place where I sat in my destroyed living room cradling my cat in a warm blanket. There were bleached looking paw prints and stains setting in across all the fabric that got touched...
After thoroughly monitoring my cat for any discomfort, checking for burns, reading lots of warning labels... I concluded the situation was resolved.
Unrelated to the story, I also fixed the door, and made sure nothing like that would ever happen again :p
This is from a few months ago, and my cat is happy as ever! I think in retrospect, the bath was the worst part, and I don't think it faced any discomfort at all besides that.
TLDR; Cat jumped in acid bath, I acted quickly to save her. Lots of blood was shed because cat hates baths more than satan, but everything ended well and the cat is happy and safe as ever.
Here's the hero in question, in the front (Lol at the one in the middle)... http://i.imgur.com/8N6FJNN.jpg
TryHardSnipr: Good to hear the cat was fine, but how was/were your arm(s) after the battle?
BaliCoffee: Very, very sore :) I mostly just slept on my back for a few days and all was right with the world.
TryHardSnipr: At least it wasn't any serious damage then :)
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1409189159 | 1409241485 | t3_2es5ez | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at pictures on my phone
This actually happened about half an hour ago. So a bit of background to start off. I have a lot of cousins most of whom live in America. Some of my cousins have just moved to America from Pakistan about two weeks ago. They are currently living with my family as they get situated into America. The characters of this fuck up are Thing 1 (f/12) and Thing 2 (f/12) and me (m/17). As you may have guessed Thing 1 and 2 are twins. Lastly I know about a crush Thing 1 has on one of my canadian cousins who is also her first cousin we'll call him H(m/14). Now on to the actual fuck up
So Im sitting in my chair looking through some pictures on my phone to look back on some awesome summer moments before school starts back up. Thing 1 decides to show up and look at my pictures. She notices some selfies of another weird cousin who got a hold of my phone somehow I guess ill call her N(f/12). She starts to tease me about how I'm in love with her, which im not. To mess with her I tell her H is in love with her. She starts to blush and says H is her Taylor Lawtner. Thing 1 then says she will tell me Thing 2's secret for who knows what reason. Thing 2's secret is that at N's house she asked N if she was in love with me. Luckily N replied no he's like my brother. Thing 2 replied good cause I love him. This is where I died inside by being creeped out. When Thing 1 started teasing Thing 2 about it she began blushing and would not deny the claim leading me to beleive she actually does have a crush on me. Plus when I think back shes agreed with me on everything. It's akward just being in the same house as them.
TL;DR: I have some really fucked up cousins
ELiMAC85: If she's 12 you're 12 too bro, don't let anybody tell you different.
AlfsRehabAndTea: UUhhhh he's 17...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409190226 | 1409244746 | t3_2es6n5 | t5_2to41 | 4 | knopper91: TIFU by being alive.
I had to put my laptop up for loan that I was renting through a rental company, they found out some how. And are now giving me 2 days to get it out or they are pressing theft charges. I have 2 days to come up with close to $700 and no way to do it. On top of all this the girl that I finally got to give me a chance after 10 years just left me for one of my roommates. Not as big a deal as this, but I loved her and it hurts. Life has just essentially been fucked for the past month and I'm not sure where to go or if its even worth it anymore.
Thanks for listening ya'll.
spokey-dokey: are you still paying the rental?
if you couldn't afford it, why didn't you just stop renting it and give it back?
hindsight is 20/20 I guess.
i'd suggest speaking to the rental company about a payment plan.
no advice for the girl problems though. except for pain numbs and then you can move on. find positive distractions until then.
shit happens mate. sorry you're feeling like crap. hope you start feeling better
knopper91: I was paying on it still, but apparently it voids the rental agreement. Finally got it all figured out though. :) just had to essentially sell my soul.
Thanks bud.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409189902 | 1409386947 | t3_2es62k | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to dress properly.
So I was nominated to perform the ALS IceBucketChallenge.
As I had completed it this morning, I got changed into my school uniform and headed off to school on foot. As i was walking past a primary school a woman and her child were walking towards me, at which point for some dumb reason i thought it would be a good idea to stop and take off my jacket as i was getting really hot. Just as I lowered the zip on my jacket a gust of wind blew on me, it was then that i realized i had fucked up as i had forgotten to button up my shirt. The wind lifted my shirt and jacket and my entire chest and stomach were exposed....right in front of the woman and her child. Without hesitating, the woman looked at me with a face of disgust and she loudly accused me of being a pedophile, many people around the area turned their views towards me. I was on the spot, I felt the daggers from the eyes of every person on the path, the moment seemed endless. I tried to explain to the woman what had really happened, but she denied my explanation and kept insulting me in disgust. In the rush of the moment, i managed to zip up my jacket and ran away, with every person I ran past giving me a look that I had never seen before.
This was the worst fuck up that I have had, I have been caused of pedophilia just because I forgot to button up my shirt.
I am afraid to go near that school again, and I have an appointment at Court on monday where i will have to explain the whole case to the judge.
Fuck my life.
P.s: this situation is a whole lot more interesting if you know that I'm a slightly dark year 12, with a untrimmed beard and brown hair.
thatryanguy82: Yeah, that lady's got no case, and you can probably get her for defamation.
meatball19: So....I can get money out of an awkward situation?
thatryanguy82: She screamed that you were a pedophile in front of a bunch of your neighbors, and is now taking you to court over it. Presumably there will be fees involved for that, and well as possible media coverage. She's causing potentially serious irreversible damage to your name and your reputation, and you could be forced to register as a sex offender. Because you had an unbuttoned shirt on.
That's all assuming that things work the same where you live as where I do.
meatball19: Thank you, i will make sure to use these points if the need presents itself.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1409191205 | 1409193907 | t3_2es89c | t5_2to41 | 4 | GardenTheAstronaut: TIFU by marrying a woman (opportunistic bitch, most of them are)
I love women because they're great. I've been married to one for 21 years, and a proud father of three. We need women to keep men in line. However, women must be treated like women. The main problem with women is that they rely on men to make money, feed them, clothe them, and take care of them in every inconceivable way. I am a very successful entrepreneur and I notice, first-hand, that women are like grown-up kids. Sure, there are exceptions to rules, but women that are the exception are single. Women take the advantage of men and use their weaknesses to ruin many lives of innocent men. They don't know what it's like to work hard because everything has always been handed to them. When they don't get what they want they yell "Rape" or any other atrocity that will surely get what they want. They're just like evil little kids, except their victims face life-long consequences. My ex-wife, called the cops on me and said that I hit her. I never hit her nor touched her in ways that didn't make her feel uncomfortable. She blatantly lied in front of judges about abuse that never took place. This all happened because she was spending my money left and right and taking me for a ride. I sold the 18 carat canary diamond engagement ring I bought her. She was furious. She cried in court and I couldn't really handle myself well in court. There is no free speech. I just couldn't believe that she lied in front of the law and then I lost the case. I nearly lost all my visible assets, but I managed to hide my assets by registering to my relatives and have them create companies and sign the assets to their name. I feel bad for men, which of whom, have been victimized by these evil harlots. It's not right to assume that, just because men are stronger, they're going to rape or abuse women. Women, especially, are aware of this and use it to make illicit financial gains and mooch off the hard work of others. When they're found out for whom they really are, they're barely given a slap on the wrist. They need to be locked up, in prison, until they starve to death. That's because that's exactly what they're doing "their" men. This isn't to say that allegations should be completely ignored, but thoroughly investigated. We need to treat women with respect. That we should always listen to them. Women shouldn't be entitled to more than half of a man's hard earned assets if they didn't do shit to earn them. I am a victim and a registered sex offender because some bitch took me for a ride.
sonia72quebec: I'm so sorry for you. I'm a 41 year old woman and he left after 18 years together for a younger woman. I only took my half of our house and a couple of belonging, nothing more. I have been working since I was 16, various stressful jobs. I help him finish his Master degree; doing all the housework to leave him time to study. Right now you are hurt like I was when he left me. The pain drove me to a state of sadness that left me hospitalize for 3 months. I hated men for a while. If the man I loved lied to me who could I trust ? I decided to be mature and not to fight for him or for more money. I let him live in the house while we were selling it and I rented a very small place in the city. I had no furniture not even a toaster. I can't believe what people would do for money. I prefer to have "lost" financially but to be free of hate. This helped me heal. I hope that one day you can find some peace. I'm sending you a lot of love.
GardenTheAstronaut: Why can't I find someone like you? Your ex and my ex would make a perfect couple. What the hell is wrong with ~~some~~ most people? I'd be thrilled if my ex wife did something remotely selfless.
sonia72quebec: They would but he already has that young thing :)
| 4 | 1 | |
1409192218 | 1409194028 | t3_2es9w6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | themadness1994: TIFU by having my sister wait on me
So basically, I was got off of work a little bit late. I called my mom (because she was my ride) to have her tell me that my sis was waiting outside for me. Ok cool.
I then go do a little bit of shopping without telling her (big mistake). After I'm done shopping and paying for my stuff, when I get out to the car, she's not happy. On the way home, she tells me how I was using up her time to wait on me (Note: I was in there way longer than I thought). How I should at least be considerate of other peoples time and such. How I should of told her "Oh, sorry I'm late" or "Do you mind if i get a few groceries?" So lets just say we both are still upset over our little tiff.
themadness1994: I know this might not be the right subreddit, but could you guys offer any advice?
elmonk: you apologize, let her rage for a bit, done
themadness1994: I apologized a million times, shes still mad
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409192745 | 1409196084 | t3_2esass | t5_2to41 | 6 | PresAnk: TIFU by purchasing Greek Yogurt for the first time.
Seriously man, wth. This is just disappointment with Godiva chocolate sprinkled into it.
meccanexus: Whenever wife brings this crap home I mix it about 66/33 yogurt/honey then it's all good
PresAnk: That's actually my game plan. I bought honey flavored sadness, an ass load of honey and oats granola, and a lot of honey for the specific honey flavor I'm looking for.
meccanexus: hah right on. I can't stop laughing now thinking about that video where pooh bear goes crack crazy for honey. enjoy.
meccanexus: fuck, can't find the video anywhere.
Here's pooh bear trippin ballz though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mI5gVu7bplo
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1409192634 | 1409322067 | t3_2esam8 | t5_2to41 | 103 | [deleted]: TIFU by making out with my girlfriend
So I'm a college student and have been going out with this girl for about two weeks now but have known her for much longer. Now her parents are really protective of her, so we've been at my place most of the time. She we were hanging out at my house earlier today when we start making out. After a while I start kissing her on the neck and shoulder. She started going insane and I just keep going for what ended up being like half an hour. We ended up having amazing sex but afterwards I realised I gave her a lot of hickies. It looked like I gave her bruise marks from choking her. So she starts freaking out because of her dad. I try to calm her down but she explains to me how her dad isn't going to be mad at her. She said her dad might come and threaten me with one of his many guns. So she left a few minutes ago and I am just sitting on my couch waiting to see what happens.
Update: Ok so I just woke up and got a text from my girlfriend telling me to come to her house after work. She says that its not a request. I'll update later if I don't get killed.
Update 2: Well I just got out of work and am going to go buy a six pack then head to her house. Really hope this ends well.
Update 3: So I just got back from my girlfriends house and stuff went surprisingly well. Her dad was a really friendly guy and somehow understood when I explained it to him. Her mom on the other hand threatened to kill me then threatened to kill the dad when he said he was fine with it. It took her over an hour to calm down. Her dad told me some weird shit he was into after we had a few beers.
shadedclan: OP?!?! Did you die??
TheAppleCriesAtMidni: Not yet.
wofedoge: how about now?
KatzOfficial: Did you finish those errands?
Tipsly: Asking the real questions! The rent doesn't pay its self!
| 6 | 17.166667 | |
1409190390 | 1409203990 | t3_2es6x9 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Gamefart101: TIFU by being overly paranoid
I apologize in advance for any typos as I am on mobile
This is sort of one fuck up that caused another one
About a year ago I posted a story about my almost first time having sex but I can't find it so I will explain
So i was at the time 16 and had been going out with my first serious girlfriend for a little less than six months. So on this particular day we were at her house when her mom comes into her room where we were to tell us she was going out and would be back in about an hour. Me being 16 and horny as soon as I heard her say she was leaving I got the idea that I would push to try and have sex for te first time. The short if it is she said yes. We had come to her house straight from school and I had left my bag with my condoms in it downstairs. So I quickly run and grab the condoms and go back up stairs. Within a minute or two she was on her knees with the condom in her hand and me standing I front of her with the angriest boner I have ever had both completely naked. In my excitement I hadn't heard the car roll back into the driveway because she forgot something and hadn't even heard a thing until her mom opened the door to her room and I watched in horror as her moms eyes moved from her daughter, to the condom. To my dick, and back to her daughter at which point she looked at her and said something that I either don't remember or didn't hear due to shock. We broke up less than a week later.
Fast forward a year to last weekend and I have been flirting with this girl who is way out of my league for the last week or so, all the while thinking to myself that I have no chance but it couldn't hurt to try. We had decided that we would hang out at her place and to my surprise she started to strip after we had been at her house for about an hour. I started to get a bit nervous and asked if she was sure her mom wouldn't come down into the basement where we were. She said she knew what we were doing and wouldn't care even if she did. Well even after telling me that I was super nervous both because of the thought of finally getting it in after coming so close a year ago and also at the thought of her mom being just upstairs. The thing was that u was super paranoid about her mom coming down so the blood that was left in my brain was focused on listening for anything that could ruin this moment. So this time I actually got it in and holy shit it felt a hell of a lot better than my hand, but I was in for no more than 5 thrusts before some the water pump in the next room turned on and scared me so badly that I instantly went soft. The worst part was the heart wrenching laughter that ensued, not because I was scared (she didn't know why I went soft) but because I went soft that fast.
Tldr: mom walked in on me and a girlfriend about to do it. A year later I'm with a new girl and I'm so paranoid about it happening again that a water pump killed my erection
JustNilt: Harsh, man. Just don't worry; shit like that can happen to anyone. Also, there is no such thing as "leagues" in dating.
Gamefart101: I realize there are no set "leagues" I just meant that in high school especially looks are often all that is taken into account when looking for a partner.
JustNilt: Sure enough, but even then, that doesn't matter as often as you may think, actually. :)
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409194011 | 1409201255 | t3_2escwe | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU By causing a couple to fight and getting the husband arrested
Obligatory "This is actually from a few years back"
In my youth I was not the most popular kid, I had a few friends but most of the guys hated my guts because several of the "hot" girls (this started in middle school) were friends and/or very friendly with me (being raised primarily by a mother, aunt, and grandmother really fan help when it comes to talking with girls). All that said, I had maybe two girlfriends, both fairly short term, during my stint in high school. I attend the local 2yr college and in my last year start applying to finish my degree at various 4yr schools across the country. Acceptance letters come in early so I pick the 3 or 4 I really want to attend and decide to take a few short trips to the schools on my own to see what the towns are like (all stupidly paid for on my credit card).
Of course I also had an ulterior motive.
You see one of the girls I was friends with in HS and I had actually developed feelings for eachother (like legit, organic, no forced feelings) and we dated for the summer after graduation and into my first semester at college, then her family moved and she went with them. We kept the relationship up online and the occasional visit when they flew back in for her fathers business. It went, mostly smoothly.
One of the schools I was accepted to was about an hour from where her family now lived so the idea was "hey we should have a date when I am in town." Plans grew from there.
Cut to Christmas, the only time I could get off of school and work and family stuff was the week surrounding Jan 1st (like the 27th - 4th) and I figured that since most of my family had moved away I would not be heading home for the holidays once I moved off anyway so lets see what winter is like. She had applied to several schools I did and told her family she was going to meet some friends to tour the campus and off she drove to pick me up at the airport (I was included in the list of people, it's just I was the only one who was actually going to be there).
We chat, have a meal and she takes me to my motel. I check in, she helps me drag my stuff upstairs and we find the room. I invite her in and...well you know where this goes. We're being a bit loud because, well it's a motel room in a strange city neither of us are sure we will be in ever again. Pass out from exhaustion, wake up a few hours later and she is showering. At this point it's established that she is just going to be staying with me instead of her own room somewhere else.
The next few days are very similar to that first night: sleep, sex, sleep, food, sex, campus visit, food, sex, sleep. Luckily enough there were plenty of 24hr/late night food places around (several in walking distance).
By day 4 you would think we would have tired but, haha, then you've clearly never been a horny 19yr old (away from almost everyone who knows you). It was that day, though, that we were awakened by shouting from outside in the walkway. We couldn't make it out but it was a man and woman just flat out belting it, pissed beyond all comprehension. When it subsided for a moment we did the only reasonable thing two stupid kids would do (no the other thing) and booked it out of there and down to the front desk. We told the front desk clerk and then left to go get some food; figuring that the fight was over.
More than hour later we return, two cop cars still in the parking lot; we debate going to the room but it's too late to do anything else and it's starting to snow. at the bottom of the stairs we see two cops talking. They move to let us past but my stupid curiosity gets the best of me and I ask them what happened.
The short version is a follows: "They were on a family vacation and the sounds of a couple 'having their fun' was just loud enough that they could hear it but not tell where it was coming from. It bothered the woman because they had children. The man refused to ask the front desk for a different room and eventually they started arguing over it. Things got heated but the hotel staff tried to handle it until she locked him out of the room and he removed a fire extinguisher from the wall and started trying to break off the door lock. Then the police got involved."
We sheepishly said "oh" and ran off to the room.
We decided to relax in the room, but, well, hormones. The manager moved the wife and kids to a new room, the man was released two days later (it was a saturday night when it went down) and they left the hotel when he came back (he had not really damaged anything so they gave him the "don't come back here ever again" speech and let them on their way).
TL;DR: Had so much sex it brought someone else's marital troubles to light. Ahh college.
[Diagram of the rooms I whipped up in paint](http://i.imgur.com/HRGGFWB.png).
Landredr: This would have happened if someone in the room next door was playing loud video games; this was innevitable. You guys just had a good time. Nothing to be ashamed about.
btw, you still with that girlfriend?
JimmyKillsAlot: Powderkegs are powderkegs I suppose.
She's my fiance now >.> <.<
Landredr: You need to invite all of reddit to the wedding
Though seriously mazel toff.
| 4 | 4 | |
1409193505 | 1409255862 | t3_2esc32 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By Lending a Guy a Condom
This did not happen today. It happened a few months ago like most TIFUs.
My school has a training seminar where they act out scenarios where a person could be in danger, whether it's an abusive relationship, fight, sexual assault, etc. and discuss how to deal with them and how to help out in case of emergencies like that on campus. One guy was acting out a scenario where he had to act like he was going to have sex with someone (it's been a while, I don't remember the details of the actual scene). He was going to use a green plastic poker chip type of thing as a "condom." I remembered that I actually had a condom in my purse and gave it to him. He thanked me and said that he was probably never going to use the condom because he hadn't gotten laid in a year.
A few days later, I'm very drunk and having late night dinner with friends at a local place and the guy is there with a girl. Me, being a very inappropriate drunk (we all have our moments, right?), loudly ask him if he used the condom. He brushes off my comments and says that he hasn't used it yet while the girl is just startled. He explains to her why I had to lend him a condom. Even though he kept his cool and didn't call me out on it, he deleted me from Facebook.
anon123554: When you lend someone a condom.. is there an expectation it will be returned afterwards?
Lending.. *shudders*
[deleted]: A better way to say it would be "gave a guy a condom" but lending a condom sounded better in my head when I wrote this. Guess not.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409194898 | 1409354701 | t3_2ese8v | t5_2to41 | 13 | phantomhello: TIFU: Don't trust a fart
kinda_alone: Hi phantomhello, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU: Don't trust a fart* has been removed because it violates RULE 10: "All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday." Please feel free to resubmit your story then.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
phantomhello: Did not read all the rules and I apologize for that. Thank you for informing me. I will be more diligent in the future about reading shit.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1409197078 | 1409261301 | t3_2eshib | t5_2to41 | 7 | gabowhunter38: TIFU by realizing just how bad I fucked up
Okay, this TIFU is today but it starts back in March. I was dating this beautiful girl, amazing, smart, funny, everything a southern guy could ask for. All of a sudden she lost interest and dumps me for another guy. Well two months pass by, it's May, and she calls me crying. Saying she's sorry and all the usual Post-Breakup shit. Essentially, I tell her to fuck off. Little did I know I still had little things called feelings for her. Well, now it's late August, and lo and behold I'm still single. No matter what I do I haven't been able to seal the deal with anyone, no matter how hard I try, or don't try. I try to talk to them for a while and when I ask if they would like to go fishing or anything else us southerners enjoy doing, they all of a sudden have plans, or they have a boyfriend, or they stop talking to me. Most of the time all three. Well then I meet this beautiful girl in class, and she is amazing to talk to. Sure enough I talk to her, and it seems we both enjoy talking to each other about southern things, an before I could even think about asking her out, BOOM. She's got a date to homecoming. Dammit, I can't do anything right in this aspect of my life. Whatever though. So I talk to the ex, and then like a ton of bricks I realize "what the fuck did I do? Why the fuck did I do that? Why the fuck has it taken this long to realize?" She's still as gorgeous as she was, and she now will have nothing to do with me. I am dead to her. This is when I start vomiting. I can't eat. And I'm a guy who can finish a five course meal and ask for seconds! And I can't even fucking eat. What the fuck did I do? Today I fucked up by realizing how bad I fucked up.
Tl;dr Today I realized how bad I fucked up with the opposite sex and gave myself a self-diagnosed eating disorder.
Quickglances: Quit killing animals and start eating more veggies, I bet you will have less trouble finding women.
Oh, now your thinkin, who the fuck relates killing animals and eating veggies with getting dates with women?? I won't tell you who.
But before you sit there and complain, give it a try, do it for a year, see what happens... I dare you.
But you won't, cus your afraid of change.
Dr_Mysterious: Why do say stop killing animals? Of course people are going to kill animals for food. What do you think farm animals are? :/
Quickglances: Why do you assume I don't know what farm animals are for? My point here is that times have changed, so old ways of thinking about what you do with animals is changing. And finding a mate based off how you act is changing as well.
thatryanguy82: I'm not certain what specifically you're implying, and I can only imagine it must be one or more of the following 3 complete lies:
A: The proper way to establish and maintain a loving relationship is not by being yourself, being honest, having similar interests, and meshing well, but instead by eating vegetables together.
B: All women are vegetarians, and will only date other vegetarians.
C: Woman fall in love solely based on the potential taste of their partners semen.
Quickglances: All the above!
thatryanguy82: Lol, gotcha.
| 7 | 1 | |
1409198023 | 1409289946 | t3_2esixx | t5_2to41 | 2,334 | im_too_dumb: TIFU by wearing white underwear and a suit to a party [nsfw warning, feces]
I've lurked on this sub for a while and I think it's time that I tell my story of how I massively fucked up and made an idiot of myself in front of my entire graduating class.
I graduated from high school last May. During my 4 years, I've never been to an actual party. I've tasted alcohol in small sips but I haven't touched drugs, and needless to say, I haven't done anything with any girls. I never really got out much and just kept to myself the entire time. Oh well.
This past July, some of the popular kids from my graduating class threw a huge party as a last goodbye to their high school years. Everyone in my graduating class was invited. Sadly nobody mentioned this to me personally, but I got the details via Facebook and decided that I wanted at least one good high school memory, and I decided that I would actually go to this thing.
When it hit me that I was finally going to change my life and start doing actual stuff like partying instead of staying home all day, I got pretty excited, I felt like I was finally in control of my life. I felt like I could come out of my shell and do something cool. I was also pretty anxious because I felt like this would finally be an opportunity for me to get intimate or even lose my virginity.
I cringe now that I have to think about it, but in the midst of my excitement I thought it would be a good idea to wear a suit to this party. I dunno, it seemed it would have been a special and memorable night and I wanted to look good. I get it, there's always *that guy* who feels the need to wear a suit at in inappropriate time, and I was that guy. Needless to say, I'm not exactly in shape and the suit fitted on me very, very poorly. It was baggy in some areas and tight in others, but at the time I didn't care because I thought I looked sharp. I wore white underwear, this is important later on.
I show up to party, at a massive house owned by this rich kid on the football team, and it's pretty much already packed. People are in the backyard, the front yard, and inside.
So I live in Miami, which is in South Florida. As you can imagine, on this particular Saturday night in July, it was over 100 degrees F and excessively humid. Pair that with a thick wool suit, I exit my car already drenched in sweat. Everyone is wearing normal clothes, shorts and t-shirts, so I look like the odd one out. I immediately start to feel embarrassed and uncomfortable and out of place, but I decide to start walking around, ignoring people's stares.
My antics during the party aren't integral to my TIFU. As you can probably imagine, for the next 2-3 hours I wandered aimlessly, awkwardly standing by the drink/snack tables for most of the time, trying to figure out how I could strike up a conversation or do anything at all to make myself not a loser.
**My fuck up started at midnight.** I'm standing by the drink area holding a can of beer that I could barely drink because it tasted so fucking gross. I'm deeply regretting my choice of attire and my decision to even show up. I'm drenched in sweat and pretty down in the dumps over the whole night, wishing I was at home watching TV or playing a game or something. A group of girls approach and start pouring themselves a shitload of drinks. In the group was a girl, we'll call her K. She wasn't really hot by most standards, but definitely not ugly. K was known for being extremely promiscuous. I was never really in the know about these sorts of things, but I still heard fuckloads of stories about K giving head, doing threesomes, and getting fucked in every direction with pretty much any guy on every sports team. When she came nearby I could hear her bragging about having sex with the host and the other girls giggling.
I decide, you know what, fuck it, I'm just going to say something because I didn't have that much to lose. I put on a confident face and start talking to her. I guess it's because she's just extroverted and tipsy, but she actually responded to me. I offered to get her a drink and she says ok, so we both walk towards the table where the drinks are, at this point her friends are left behind and it's just us. she asks why I'm wearing a suit. I can feel my face turning bright red and awkwardly say "yeah just wanted to look good I guess". I tell her she looked great and she said thanks. I just kind of awkwardly blurted out "maybe this suit will get me laid". She started giggling and said "you need it, you are definitely a virgin, i can tell". I was too nervous to say anything so I tried to smile, and she just kept laughing. After an awkward pause I said "do you want to hook up?" At this point, I'm just like, what the hell, I might as well try, and given her willingness to have sex with just about anyone, I figured I might have a shot. So I'm standing there with my face bright red trying to act cool and collected and she is staring at me with her mouth open. I definitely expected the worst, but she started giggling and said "Yes, but only because you're a virgin"
I followed her into a bedroom on the 2nd floor and she closed the door behind us. we stood in front of the foot of the bed. the room itself was decently large, with a single bed, bedside table, television, and a closet on the other side of the bed. it was very dimly lit, i could barely see her. she let me kiss her a few times, and obviously i sucked at it, but it was my first time and i was mind-blowlingly excited. it was finally about to happen. i put my arms awkwardly around her midsection like a hug and let her do most of the mouth work while i touched her ass and boobs. she was wearing a really skimpy pair of shorts that she slid off while i took off my slacks.
**Here's where things go really fucking bad**. she pulls off her panties and steps back, and pushes them between my lips. it was wildly sexy, and with my inexperience and in the heat of the moment and i took my underpants off and did the same thing to her. She immediately pushes it away from her mouth and starts gagging. I immediately flicked on the light, and that's when I notice the smell and realize what the fuck I had just done.
Given the heat, the humidity, and my attire, I was sweating like crazy, and had a case of massive swamp-ass. basically, the sweat from my ass mixed with the dried fecal matter in my ass itself, and caked my white underwear with a dark brown liquid. I'm not talking about little streaks, but big wet splotches that smelled absolutely rancid. I had pushed my underwear, wet with my feces juices, into her mouth and onto her tongue.
She saw the underwear, now on the ground, brown side up, and started spitting and screaming "WHAT THE FUCK THOMAS? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A FUCKING DISGUSTING WEIRDO, THIS IS WHY NOBODY LIKES YOU" as I'm struggling to put my slacks back on
I'm standing there staring at my underwear absolutely fucking mortified and embarrassed while she screamed and tried to wash the taste out of her mouth with beer. She was literally on the verge of tears. I was in shock, I could barely process what the fuck just happened and what I was to do at this point. I just wanted to blow my brains out.
The host and two other guys barge in and shout "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHO'S SCREAMING?"...they see K washing her mouth out and my shit stained underpants on the ground and give me this vicious glare mixed with a *what-the-fuck-man?* stare.
I dart out the door, pushing past a bunch of people who were in the hallway that heard the commotion and were trying to see what was going on inside. I hustle downstairs, at this point I'm almost about to cry too, and everyone was staring at me. I made it across the main hallway towards the front door when the guys were on the balcony above, shouting "THOMAS FUCKING SHIT HIS PANTS" I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I slammed the front door shut and scrambled to my car. I went home that night and just sat in bed trying to process what just happened.
Next morning, I wake up to a fuckload of hate messages on Facebook, I see statuses about "that weird kid who shit his pants at [...]'s party last night". So I deleted my Facebook altogether and at this point it embarrasses me to even think about what happened but I am comforted by the fact that I'll never have to see these people again and I ended up getting physical with a decently attractive girl. Here's to hoping my college years aren't as bad as my highschool years.
**TLDR: shoved my shit-caked underpants into a girl's mouth, now everyone that knows me hates me**
rebuceteio: Didn't you take a fucking shower before putting on a suit and going to a party?
[deleted]: Read. He mentions it was extremely hot on this day.
EDIT: It's ok guys, I've read the response. No need to downvote just because everyone else does it.
myepicdemise: If he had showered properly, there wouldn't have been dried fecal matter congregating in such a short amount of time.
bobtastical: Teenage boys don't have the best hygiene. Showering is one thing. Showering and cleaning your asshole is another, if he didn't just put on some axe body spray and think that was a shower.
automan33: Simply wiping your ass with TP should be the first step after taking a dump. Showering should be on another level. If you leave the toilet with shit still on your ass, you've skipped a step.
[deleted]: Signed, someone who doesn't have ass hair like the Amazon. *You* try getting my ass sparkling clean after every damn shit.
ibjanhenrik: Luckily, Amazon does fix this problem for you! [It's called flushable wet wipes.](http://www.amazon.com/Tissue-Naturals-Cleansing-Cloths-Refill/dp/B00DZJGTVC/ref=sr_1_3?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1409233865&sr=1-3&keywords=flushable+wipes) And yes, everyone knows that you shouldn't really be flushing these since they don't break down easily. But also nobody really cares.
notrtml: They work, but every time I've tried those it feels wet and I feel like I've missed some spots.
ibjanhenrik: My tactic is to wipe as normal to get most of the mess off with regular toilet paper, proceed to use a wetwipe to get the rest of the shit off, then use a small amount of dry toilet paper to remove any residual wetness.
Takes a little bit longer than regular wiping, but you end up feeling almost as clean as if you had just taken a shower.
automan33: Agreed. I tried the flushable wipes and was left moist. But going normal, wet, normal, means you aren't wasting the expensive-ish wet wipes by clogging it with crap. And then afterwards, you are dry and don't come off with the beginnings of swamp ass.
| 11 | 212.181818 | |
1409196654 | 1409223624 | t3_2esgwr | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by going straight at a green light.
I am such an idiot.
I drive to a green light while running errands today, and the road perpendicular to me, coming from the left, still has cars turning left into the lane I am supposed to be driving in. I thought it was just a few people trying to catch a yellow so I waited, but people kept riding on the coattails of the person who went before them trying to make the left-hand turn.
So I said , "fuck it, if these people won't stop I'm just going to go. I have a green light for christ's sake". So I push up through the intersection cutting off one of these unruly assholes and see that the guy in front of me has his hazards on and a little flag on his car.
God damn it. I just cut my way into a funeral procession.
bluffin_dat_muffin: what state was this in?
Thinc_Ng_Kap: What makes you think this was in the united States?
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409199498 | 1409202188 | t3_2esl4k | t5_2to41 | 19 | Khal_Pilkington: TIFU by hiring a crazy babysitter
I hired a highly recommended babysitter today. She's a 25 year old college student, very respectable and polite.
When I come home I notice my computer had been turned on. I asked her why she was on my computer.
"Oh, I was just checking for child porn. I do it at every house I sit at, because you never know. You're clean though! I'm glad, otherwise I'd have had to have called the cops!"
twelvedayslate: Yikes. That is... scary. And wow, holy invasion of privacy, batman. NEVER HIRE HER AGAIN. And warn anyone else.
I seriously would go get my computer checked out, too, to make sure she didn't plant anything there. Who randomly checks computers for child porn? Why not check your bank accounts for fraud? Just... wtf?
skullyD: Just imagine how much stuff she went through on that computer. Jesus Christ, make sure she didn't fuck with any of your shit.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1409199495 | 1409341325 | t3_2esl4h | t5_2to41 | 958 | SoShamed: TIFU by masturbating at my friends house with a toilet paper cardboard tube and bologna.
My friend has been out of town for a few days and I agreed to visit her apartment to make sure her cat is fed and what not.
While I was there I decided to watch some porn on my Kindle. My favored way to masturbate for the past few years is to take a cardboard tube from a toilet paper roll and to line the inside with a few slices of some deli meat. It feels exactly like what a vagina would probably feel like.
So I unraveled a roll of her toilet paper (I vowed to replace it the next day) and I went into her fridge and took out like 2-3 slices of bologna. I lined the tube with the bologna, propped my kindle up on the kitchen counter, and started to masturbate as I watched the porn.
Before I could finish I noticed that there was some sort of little security web-cam sort of thing in the room. I think it was set up so she can spot her cat and keep an eye on it while she is away.
I was struck with horror. I turned away from the camera and threw out the tube/bologna and ran out of the apartment screaming. Yes, screaming. I was in a state of sheer terror and panic.
I don't know if it is a camera that actually records 24/7 or is just something she can log into to watch live. I'm hoping the odds are against that she saw the clip. If she has seen it I do intend to quit my job, deactivate facebook, and move. I have some savings to last a few months. I will absolutely move to a new state.
Oh god. I fucked up. I am so stupid.
BLACKHORSE09: "It feels exactly like what a vagina would probably feel like."
zoeypantalones: Person with a vagina here. I'm a bit horrified.
SoShamed: Hello but may I ask what is so bad about this?
zoeypantalones: BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THINKING THAT PEOPLE THINK MY VAGINA FEELS LIKE LUNCH MEAT.
SoShamed: I apologize?
Shitmybad: A vagina definitely doesn't feel like that...
HIV_Negativ3: Sure it does, and boobs are like bags of sand.
NaruXHina: more like jell lol or water maybe thick water?
Goofey_goober: Woosh.
NaruXHina: lol water filled balloon is how it would feel except w/ skin =)
Goofey_goober: Woosh again.
| 12 | 79.833333 | |
1409201131 | 1655859048 | t3_2esn8r | t5_2to41 | 6 | skullyD: TIFU by driving while hungover as shit
This happened about 2 years ago, sorry it's not recent. I was just thinking of this today and it gave me a good laugh so I thought I'd share.
It was the last Thursday night of the year of my freshman year of college. I had been working my ass off to keep a 4.0 all year and I decided to get belligerently drunk off my ass during the last Thursday night. I don't drink much/often, so naturally I drank too much.
I don't exactly remember how much, but I believe it was about 4 tallboys of PBR, several shots, and a few more beers after that. I passed out in my girlfriend's roomate's bed and woke up completely unaware of where I was, still drunk, yet supremely hungover at the same time. It was difficult to even move from the bed, and I was forced to go to the cafeteria to eat something and drink some Powerade. This turned out to be a bad idea.
I go back to my girlfriends dorm and pass out again, I wake up to my dad calling me, so I pick up the phone. "Son, you ready to move into your new apartment?"
**FUCK**, I totally forgot today I was moving into an apartment today (didn't like the dorms that much). So I drag my hungover body across campus to my dads car, and he drives me to my car to meet him at the complex.
I start driving and I'm okay for the most part, but there's a specific road you have to take to get to the apartment complex and it's bumpy as all fucking hell. So, here I am, driving down this road and I pass over the first big bump.
"Oh shit." I said to myself. My stomach starts to do back flips and I feel queasy.
"No worries." I reassured myself. I passover the second big bump.
"Fucking. Hell. I'm gonna vomit."
Third Bump.
"Shit I'm really gonna vomit while driving."
My weak ass stomach can't handle the bumps any more and I just let loose. I puked ALL OVER my car, my steering wheel, my wind shield (inside), my radio, every fucking thing. I am still driving, but I decided to let Jesus take the wheel here, my hope was gone. I can't focus, too busy vomiting. My wind shield is covered in green stomach acid/vomit mixture. I have no idea what I'm doing.
I then come to a complete stop in hopes of there not being any cars around..... **WRONG**.
I get rear ended harder than a pornstar, my neck is fucked up from whiplash, and I slammed my forehead into my vomit covered steering wheel, so I now have delicious green vomit on my face. There might have been some eggs and sausage in there, I don't remember
The other driver walks up to my car and opens the door "OMG are you okay!??!?!" (something like that).
She looks at the inside of my car and see's this goldmine of vomit by a hungover (under age at the time) college student, and she gives me THE most priceless facial expression. *EVER*. She just got back into her car and took off.
I couldn't see her car or her license plate cause I was still sorta concussed from the wreck.
Needless to say, I moved into my apartment just fine after all of that.
**TL;DR**: Drank too much, hungover, vomited powerade, eggs and sausage while driving at the same time. Got rear-ended, slammed forehead into vomit covered steering wheel, other driver took off.
Bob2456: You're pretty lucky the other driver took off. A Breathalyzer would have shown that you still had alcohol in your system and you could of been facing a DUI.
Legion2848: *would have been a DUI not could of been. The officer would have booked him on DUI guaranteed if he saw that.
Bob2456: Did we go 7 years back in time?
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409201319 | 1409203158 | t3_2esnhn | t5_2to41 | -4 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing change to school
This didnt happen today..
Woke up hungry. Looked in the fridge, but didnt see any goodies. I get paid on thursdays. It was monday, and i had nothing in my bank account as usual.
AHA! How could i forget, i have a nice shiny glass jar full of sparkly coins that i can exchange for green at the closest Shaw's market after school.
So i put this jar in the side pocket of my backpack and head to class. Still not sure why i chose that pocket, probably wanted people to see all that sweet geld.
Get to class 5 mins late.. the classroom is one of those huge arena type rooms that fits 200+ students. Since it super early in the semester, people still show up to class. After scanning the room for empty seats, i see one in the front row. Bingo.
I stroll down the stairs and take off my backpack to sit down and all of a sudden hear 'BZDONG!-tsssssss". The damn jar slipped out of my side compartment and fell on the floor, breaking, and spewing my change and glass shards all over the floor in from of 200+ people.
I hear someone say "aww shieeeet" in the back and the whole class just stares at me. The professor stops talking also.
i am very socially awkward and hate being at the center of attention, so at this point i am dizzy, throat gets dry, and i have to sit down. too much adrenaline man!
professor pulls out a plastic bag from his backpack and hands it to me. i get on the floor and start picking up all the glass, occasionally looking up and making eye contact with a bunch of people. two dudes get up to help me. i know the whole class i staring so i get even more nervous, and feel like i m about to faint. if i stay any longer i will pass out on top of all my moneys, so i decide to scoop and much as i can and flee the scene.
ahh, the walk of shame.. as i am walking up the stairs with my sack full of gold, the change starts falling out again, as the glass has cut through the bag. but i dont give a shit, i just wanna get out of there.
i get to the closest bathroom, sit down on the toilet, taking some deep breaths to help me calm down. i look down and see that my sock is all bloody. i guess the glass cut me somehow? not important.
got home and withdrew the hell out of that class. took a nice nap and felt better.
professor emailed me saying that he has the rest of my change and i can come pick it up. nope.
took that class the following semester.
TLDR: broke a jar full of coins in front of 200+ people, almost passed out when picking it up.
2someguy: Jesus fuck no one cares
EpicRaptor: Obviously you care enough to comment, no need to be a dick.
| 3 | -1.333333 | |
1409197962 | 1409227805 | t3_2esiut | t5_2to41 | 79 | [deleted]: TIFU by not telling to my parents that I’m gay.
This happened a few years ago, and still is the story that my mom tells to everyone when she’s drunk. Thanks mom.
I don’t really like going to party, I’m the kinda of guy who prefers to stay home and binge-watch something. So, I was in this party, when I saw that guy staring at me. Let’s call him X. I had no idea who he was, but he came talk to me and...
He was my first boyfriend. We were together for a month when the shit happened. My parents and my sister went to the church every Sunday. So, in a fateful Saturday night I invited X to stay for the night in my house. The plan was simple. He entered when everyone was sleeping. And in the next day everyone would be at the church and he would leave. Simple.
When we woke up in the next day, he asked me how he would sneak out from my family.
>
> “Me: Don’t worry. It’s Sunday, my family goes to the church at Sundays.
> X: Really? That’s nice… So, this means I can take a shower before I go? *laughs*
> Me: Sure, its down the hall. Next to the kitchen. “
While X was taking a shower, I went have some breakfast. I was eating my pancake happily when X left the bathroom in his underwear and my mom entered the kitchen. She had forgotten something. Well, I didn’t had a explanation why a 18 years old boy left the bathroom in his underwear when I was supposed to be alone at home.
Let me tell you, this isn't the best way to tell your mom that you're gay.
Lefthandedsock: Good job, guy. How did your parents react?
[deleted]: Really well actually... After the first shock, X introduced herself and we all had a awkward talk (after we put some clothes on), but everything went better than I could imagine...
With my dad was a little hard, not because of him, because of me.. I was feeling like I had disappointed him or something like that. But I introduced X to him and everything went fine.
I dated X for almost 3 years after that, and everybody in my family really liked him :D
myepicdemise: > my dad was a little hard
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
internatmoster: what makes it better is "not because of him, because of me..."
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1409204307 | 1409205005 | t3_2esr7d | t5_2to41 | 31 | condomwallet123: TIFU by getting my semen on a stranger.
So, yeah. Bare with me.
--
Earlier this morning, drove to my girlfriends house. No parents, we're 18, sexy times were had.
Now, there's no way in hell I would throw out a condom in her house. Her parents are strict, and even if they know we're having sex it just seems fucked up they could stumble across it. So my brilliant idea is to stuff it into the wrapper best I could and put it back in my wallet's "secret-condom-compartment-where-everyone-knows-where-it-is".
Now, normally, I put it in a garbage bin I find closeby. But, she lives in the countryside, and it's a 15 minute drive to my house.
So I head back home with my semen-stuffed wallet. Turn the radio on, put the window down, and enjoy the nice day. I get home, return the car to my mom at her work, and walk home.
This is when I realized I work in 10 minutes, I have no car, and it's a 10 minute bike ride to work. Fuck.
So I hop on my bike and pedal the shit out of my old, rusty bike, eventually making it to work. *phew*. Safe and sound.
Except I'm not. In my haste bike ride to work, I stuffed my wallet into my back pocket of my jeans. It hopped out of my shorts along the way. With the condom in it. Fuck.
I can't leave work now, as the person who worked before me had left.
So I waited. An hour goes by, and I almost forget about this whole thing, when my phone rings. It's my dad, telling me someone found my wallet on the ground somewhere, and that they'll drop it off at the house.
So, to be able to contact my dad, they would have had to go into my wallet and find my contact info card, the compartment of my wallet next to where the condom is.
Fuck.
I finish up work, make it home, dad gives me the wallet back, telling me "a nice, old lady returned it".
I asked for her name and if I knew her, and all she had said was "Mrs. Garcia."
Don't know any Garcia's, so that's a good thing I guess. I take my wallet, open up my secret compartment, and there's no condom.
There are a few plausible scenario's. I would like to think that the condom had fallen out sometime before on the bike ride, but that would mean it would've ended up back in my pocket. The only real explanation I can come up with is it was sticking out a bit and she checked to see what it was.
So yeah. I fucked up. And it was today. I haven't told my girlfriend, and I don't plan on it. But I will share with you guys. :)
t33hyhjjhy: Just tell her it's hair gel. ;)
condomwallet123: I don't know her, and I hope to god she never recognizes me. I have a feeling she will though, or that my parents will want me to thank her. Oh god...
t33hyhjjhy: Next up: get your semen on me. q_q
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1409207109 | 1409232401 | t3_2esu79 | t5_2to41 | 30 | NotBradPitt90: TIFU By Accepting Free Entry To A Strip Club
So my interstate friend was staying at a hotel in the city and just by chance I got called in to work for a few hours in one of the stores in the city. I didn't mind as I was going heading in later that day anyway so I figured I might as well earn a quick $100 and work a couple of hours.
I go to his hotel when I'm done and have a few beers until there's a couple left and we plan to finish the last few and head out to the corner store and come back with some more beer. Due to working earlier in the day I smell a bit like sweat so I figure I will quickly use his hotel shower before heading out.
I get out of the shower and notice my shirt and shoes got wet from being on the bathroom floor. Seeing as how we were only going around the corner I figure I just wear my pants and just zip up my jacket and I borrow a pair of his shoes. I'm a size 9 but his shoes have to be a size 14 or something huge. It's 200m to the store. It wasn't a big deal.
Right on the street corner as we walk out there's a man handing out free entry to the strippers right next door. For a couple of dudes getting drunk in the city, this is a result! We eagerly accept the offer and head through security and through the red curtain entrance and to the bar.
The place is empty and there's a show about to start so we sit front row with drinks in hand thinking "man, this a great turnaround to the night!" The girl come out in a bikini, immediately notices we're two young guys, sat front row and she has dollar signs in her eyes. (I work in hospitality so boy was she wrong).
She focuses her entire attention on me. Like I'm some Brad Pitt look-a-like. She's getting all up close, pushing my face in her boobs, the works. She's on all fours on stage and has her hands all over me and then reaches for my jacket zip.
Time stops.
I freeze and realize I have nothing on underneath. Just my pale, skinny body.
She keeps unzipping, obviously not knowing what's about to happen. I've just been staring at her screaming in my head "please stop! STOP!" hoping she could somehow hear me. The zip gets to just below my nipple line and she stops. I see her face drop. We make eye contact and I give her a look as if to say "I'm so sorry" and she gives me one back saying "it's okay."
I've never seen a girl walk backwards away from me on all fours wearing nothing but a bikini bottom before or after that moment and it's an image that will be forever burned into my brain until I die.
I finished my drink and walked out with giant shoes, drenched hair from just having and shower and my jacket zipped up and a funny story to tell.
NotBradPitt90: Another stripper story if you want it:
I play in a band and stayed getting drunk after the show. The bar closed and we headed out to another bar. I was just going to go have one drink and go home and needed to take a few things home for the next day so I put them in my pocket and off we go.
After a beer or two I get a second burst of energy and my friend decides he want's to go to the strip club. I figure, why not? and off we go. Not thinking I have all these cables in my pockets we head in and he buys me a lap dance out of kindness.
Me and this cute girl go to a booth and she does her thing. Takes all her clothes off and feels something in my pocket. "ooh what have you got for me here?" she says in a sexy voice.
She reaches into my pocket and started pulling out this 2 metre extension chord like a magician puling a scarf out of his sleeve. It was an agonizing and embarrassing moment that I'll never forget.
Needless to say, the dance was over and I went back to my friends. I had a quick pot of beer and I ended up passing out and waking up on a bar stool a metre or two from the stage. Every time I woke back up there was a new girl on the stage and none of my friends seemed to notice.
I have no idea how I didn't get kicked out either of those times..
AnalOverload: Stop going to strip clubs OP
NotBradPitt90: Haha I've been a total of three times and each one is as embarrassing as the lasy
FallenGambit: I only count two stories... may as well give us the third now.
NotBradPitt90: Ha I went with my brother and he was smoking and instead of putting It out to enter the club he put it in his shirt pocket.
Needless to say by the time he got to the counter the girl was shocked and yelled "dude, you're smoking!"
With my brothers quick wit he replied with "thanks!"
Counter girl: no, your shirt is on fire!
And then he put it out and we went on with our night.
| 6 | 5 | |
1409205677 | 1409271885 | t3_2essns | t5_2to41 | 2,303 | TheDragHit: TIFU by getting a girls number and giving it back.
Here's the scenerio: I'm sitting in math class with a very attractive girl sitting next to me. My friend is sitting in front of her. The teacher dismisses us, and the girl starts making small talk with me. A little flirting from both parties, nothing too special. I see my friend getting out of his chair and I remember that I need his phone number to invite him to a poker night. I blurt out "wait let me get your number!", and interrupt the girl. She says "yeah sure!" But in the split second it took her to say that, my brain realized the mistake and I said, "Not you, I meant that Asian kid". Girl puts her phone away. I realize my mistake. Asian friend looks at me like I'm a moron. Girl walks away without saying anything. I realized I just denied the cutest girl in class when SHE initiated the interaction. Can't wait for class on Monday. (Edit: I mean Wednesday b/c holiday monday.)
Also: Thanks to all the girls that talk to dudes first. You guys rock.
UPDATE: Girl was 10 minutes late. All the seats filled up around me. I didn't even say hi. When she walked by i pretended to be deep in though with math. I failed many of you.
el_crunz: You should try to sneak a spot near to her next time and then have an opportunity to apologize. Then you'll get her number, I guarantee it.
TheDragHit: I seem to get there before she does and she usually sits next to me. If she doesn't Monday, I'll consider this case closed.
Otolia: NO. HUMAN THE FUCK UP ! SHE IS PROBABLY EMBARRASSED BECAUSE OF REJECTION !
PwnAzn: Human the fuck up?
What?
Otolia: It's like man the fuck up ... without the idea that man should be courageous and not women ... so human the fuck up !
Sapardi: Thats ridiculous
Otolia: Uhm ... OK.
Sapardi: Are you THAT afraid to use the word "man"? I mean come on.
[deleted]: Yes, FEAR is the emotion being experienced here. Nailed it. A+. Gold star.
Sapardi: Lol go tell someone on the street to "human up" and see if they buy into this libtard bullshit
[deleted]: So you admit that it has nothing to do with fear? Cool.
1. I wouldn't tell a random person on the street to "man up" either.
2. Wow, politics. So edgy.
3. What alternative do you suggest for women? Because no one says "woman up".
Sapardi: Well, man up is an expression meant to be used while speaking to a man.
[deleted]: Exactly, so what would you use instead when talking to a woman?
I myself am partial to "Don't be a baby," and "Don't be a pussy," (from pusillanimous, not the body part), but "human up" works as well as any other gender neutral variant IMO.
Sapardi: Cunt up?
[deleted]: Eh, I don't think that's a thing, and besides, it's really not the same.
| 16 | 143.9375 | |
1409208122 | 1409209789 | t3_2esv94 | t5_2to41 | 7 | DarkeysWorld: TIFU making a awkward pervert voicemail. stoned.
First of all i need to say, that my english is rly bad, since im a lazy idiot from Germany. (maybe someone could remove all the misspelling. might be a lot work i guess)
Well a few days ago I fcked up with like everyone of my friends.
Well im actually in a lot Whatsapp group’s. One of them is pretty much about talking pervert shit mindless brainfuck stuff and things like that. In this group there are 4 girls 1 guy and myself. Its rly like, everything that gets posted is 100% humorous pervshit and things like that.
So last weekend, I was rly bored cause I had nothing to do on Sunday evening. So I decided to roll a nice joint. I smoked it on my couch while watching tv. It was a rly impressive “trip” and my mind was blown. It was that much nice, that I even laughed my ass of at the advertisments.
But ads are still boring so I decided to make a nice voicemail to the group. I said something like: “heya who wants a nice dick ride with some shit that went through the eye of a needle on it.” And I didn’t laughed at all saying this into my phone. I said it pretty serious cause I knew they will know its not serious.
Well, then the ads where over, I relaxed on the couch and fell asleep. Around 2 hours later I woke up seeing that I have 825 Mails in Whatsapp in 1 conversation. Saw that it was the group of my (ex) school class and some other friends + even a teacher. 50 People in the group and mostly no spam, just serious talking about what do to on weekends.
Well after reading about 10 of the mails which where all like “haha u freaky idiot”.
So, to make it short. I accidently posted the voicemail in the serious group with serious friends, a lot older people and also some hot girls.
Well I guess, im not going out this weekend!
TL:DR: Made a awkward Whatsapp Voicemail to a humorous little group of friends. Noticing that I spoke it to a very serious group of serious friends. Stoned…
Teotwawki69: I'll help you with your English if you send me that voicemail. :-)
DarkeysWorld: well im not at home actually. will upload it in around 7 hours when im at home. And its in german also. so you might not understand ^^
Teotwawki69: Oder ich könnte...
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1409207491 | 1409304058 | t3_2esulv | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by jerking off to 4chan on a lunch break at work
So I got a new job recently, really nice, mostly analysis done on the computer (occasional interaction with coworkers/supervisors/clients/whatever). It was on the 14th floor of a building, and since I was new I hadn't received an access key for our floor yet. This will be important later.
I was hired with a few other people, so management was still trying to sort everyone out in new offices and cubes. I get pointed to a large office with a window view of the city (sweet) and told to work there temporarily until I get a proper work space. Apparently the previous worker who used that office was moved to some other floor in the same building (we have multiple floors), and this room was mostly cleared out. I just had a company-issued laptop and some employee handbooks I had to read. Easy first week.
It's my third day and I still don't have an access key, so I have to bum rides to 14F with longer-tenured workers. It also kind of forces me to pack my own lunch, because unless I went out with other coworkers I had no way to get back in the building. This is where TIFU.
I was working pretty hard (trying to impress my supervisor lol), such that I lost track of the time. It was like 1:30 in the afternoon and, by that time, everyone had gotten lunch already. I packed my own lunch sack today but I didn't want to leave the office without drawing attention. And since I forgot to store it in the break room refrigerator, it was with me the whole time.
So I decided to close the door to my temporary office, turn off the lights, and eat my lunch underneath my desk while pretending I had gone away for a lunch break. Now, I'm a pretty tall guy so it was difficult to hide completely underneath the desk. I had to unbuckle my slacks and fold my legs up against the side of the desk. I immediately regretted this decision, but since anybody could look into the office (it had glass windows facing outward), someone would see me struggling to get back up from under the fucking desk. I realized this was an autistic decision from the start.
But I continued anyway and ate my lunch, which consisted of a sandwich, bag of veggies, can of soda, and a yogurt. I also decided to surf through my iPhone and browse Reddit. Nobody would know anyways, right?
I land on r/4chan and see some really funny shit. I end up laughing so hard that I drop my spoon and spill some yogurt on my pants. This could not have happened at a worse time. Suddenly I hear a knocking on the door, and then someone just fucking opens it (how did it not get locked???).
"Oh, I guess Gorptastic isn't here right now. What is it you wanted from your old office, Mike?" I hear someone enter the room and flick on the light switch, while speaking on the phone. It's my supervisor, of all people. He recoils upon discovering me, a new employee, hiding underneath the desk furiously trying to rub off a white stain on a pair of unbuckled slacks next to an iPhone with 4chan displayed on the front page. Fuck!
I don't know if he saw the lunch sack or the yogurt, but he didn't say anything and just left the office. I didn't talk to anyone throughout the rest of the afternoon.
[deleted]: Another fuck up caused by Masturbation.
Down_Trodden: Jesus Christ shuttup, he didn't even masturbate in this story, read the damn thread
[deleted]: Read the title, Turd Juice.
Down_Trodden: Read the *actual* story and the explanation. He didn't actually masturbate, the title is a play on what happened in the story.
[deleted]: I realized that from your last comment
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1409214546 | 1409233816 | t3_2et13k | t5_2to41 | 10 | Lolsternater: TIFU by finishing my crushes sentence with testicles.
Just a short TIFU that's minor compared to most.
Today at High School, my Outdoor Ed class was having a day in the sun with some poorly thrown together soccer. In my team was my crush who I got along with rather well, but am probably friend-zoned. During the game we got to the point where we stood in the middle of the field exhausted and decided to chat. We were both extremely uncoordinated and discussed our failings and laughing.
"I hate sports where you have to kick the ball," she eventually said, "I prefer games where..." and she stopped talking to think.
I decided I'd finish her sentence. "Yeah, holding balls... ... ... ...wait, NO!"
By the time I'd said wait, she had already pulled a disgusted face and started walking off. When I said holding balls, I meant games like basketball or netball, but anyone with a dirty mind can see what I did there.
[deleted]: you didn't fuck up, it's not your fault she's humourless
Lolsternater: High school crushes man, they make you feel crazy shit.
ichaosdevice: Just tell her the feels man.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409215194 | 1409267767 | t3_2et1na | t5_2to41 | 201 | [deleted]: TIFU by scaring someone so hard that they begged for their lives
So this happened four years ago, I live in the same building as my cousin. I was late for school and was rushing out of my house to catch the elevator, I'm pressing the button madly in hopes for the elevator to come sooner, as the elevator comes down I see a silhouette through the glass in the elevator door that looks like my cousin and she is with her back faced to the door, fixing her hair in the mirror. Perfect chance to prank her and scare her I thought.
So I open the door quickly and start yelling like a suicide bomber, I can already see her look through the mirror on the elevator and it's priceless, as she turns around I start realising this isn't my cousin, this is a woman in her twenties and she has a look of horror in her face as if she was actually going to die, I had just scared someone I did not know completly. As my brain was not thinking clearly and was still confused the only thing going through my head was well shit, I already fucked up and I'm late for school might aswell get in the elevator, so I get in, the woman then falls to the floor just staring at me probably thinking I'm going to murder her in this tiny elevator and starts crying asking me not to hurt her that she has a family and has to support them. Me being the little kid I was at the age of 16 decided to just turn my back on her and just ignore her since I didn't want to be embarrassed or make things worse.
The door finally opens and I run away, deciding that I will never prank anyone else from then on. I don't remember ever seeing the same neighbour again.
Edit: For all those complaining and thinking I should've apologized, you are right I should've have done it, but I fucked up so please stop pointing it out thousands of times as if I'm some retarded that doesn't understand it.
Brainwashing1: 16 is hardly being a 'little kid'. You should have just told her what you meant and apologised.
SpottedParsley: Agreed. OP is a fucking idiot and he is lucky she didn't call the cops about the crazy teenager. Also even at the "young" age of 16 I would have apologized profusely about how I thought I knew them and that i was just joking around. Embarrassed or not, at least let the woman know you didn't mean any harm. Also who sees a silhouette and thinks "hey that shadow looks like someone I know, better scare the fuck out of them! no way I could be wrong in this situation!"
Insoel: Regardless of age people mature at a diferent speed, at that age I was still very immature, almost the same I was at when I was 12, even now I can't fully say I am mature. Some of you might have apologized but we're all diferent people we all behave diferently you can't just say that because you would've done it that way that everyone else would've done it like that.
Also the woman resembled a lot my cousin, even had the same type of clothes, was a honest mistake, everyone at some point does something they wished they did diferently, this was one of those things, it just happened, now I know how wrong and fucked up it was.
And calling the cops at someone who only yelled? please at most she could call a mental hospital or something.
Brainwashing1: I guess it counts that you feel bad and regret it. Don't worry, about it, your intentions weren't bad. Just become mature soon, It'll save you the future regret.
PS: Don't ignore the lady if you see her again, apologise. :)
Insoel: I am mature right now, just not completly mature, and I would apologise if I saw her again but I guess she was just visiting someone.
I'd go as far as track her down but I fear that she would get the wrong idea again and definitly call the cops this time xD
AdvocateOfSolace: A person who is really mature should never have to clarify that they are mature. They should admit mistakes, accept responsibility and take their beating like a man.
Insoel: So basicly a prideful person isn't mature?
| 8 | 25.125 | |
1409216530 | 1409247677 | t3_2et2pu | t5_2to41 | 24 | mynameisedd: TIFU by sending my girfriend a goodmorning message.
I have an amazing galaxy s4 with amazing technology and the ease of use is just amazing. Maybe too amazing...
So after a night alone at home, just enjoying myself and falling asleep, I wake up to a new wonderful day. I grab my phone on the side of my bed, still on charge, since it was a bit drained after last night.
I open my messenger and start typing away the most amazing and beautiful message to tell my girlfriend to have an amazing morning and to enjoy her day.
Now I write messages in my home language that is not English, but the amazing technology of the 20 1st century has giving the phone the capability to remember what i wrote and gives me those options as that suggestive text at the top of your input box to speed up your messages.
So most of the time I just start off a sentence and then almost fully complete it using that suggestive text. Also, I have to add that I do not proof read my messages, I am waaay to lazy for that.
So...
This morning my message read something like this. (translated from my home language - Accept that one word, that was English, since the phone is just too amazing)
> "Goooodmorning bla bla bla Hope you have a pornhub day... bla bla bla"
(Facepalm... either she didn't see it, or just ignored it, or she's waiting for the right time to pounce on me for that message.)
Gd Dammit...
[deleted]: Clementine will remember that
OliStabilize: Kenny will remember that.
Instantcretin: Soooo we all played the season finale last nite right?
| 4 | 6 | |
1409219946 | 1409220568 | t3_2et5o7 | t5_2to41 | 16 | tifuthrowaway111: TIFU by showing my moving crew my sex toys. [NSFW]
I'm moving to a new area to start a job. Exciting, but stressful. Fortunately, my company helped alleviate some of the stress by sending a moving crew to take my things to the new location for me.
Moving is still a stressful time in one's life, though. I don't deal with stress that well. So the night before the moving crew showed up, I blew off steam with some of my toys. A fleshlight, a 9-inch dildo, plenty of lube, and a leather cockring, to be specific.
I'm a guy who likes to have fun. Sue me.
So, at this stage, all the shit in my bedroom is packed away in boxes, except my laptop. I dig out the toys and go to town on myself. Just absolutely destroy my ass and cum buckets inside my ersatz vagina. Great. Fun. Stress-relieving. All is right in the world.
I clean the toys off but don't repack them because I'm still agitated and I figure I'll go for round two in a little bit. So, I leave the nefarious implements sitting out in the open on top of my dresser. Literally the only thing not in a box is my laptop and a small pile of sex toys and lube right beside it. Not the most inconspicuous location.
Of course, there never was round two. I pissed away the next few hours on Reddit, got exhausted from how stupid you all are, and passed out.
In the morning, the movers show up. I let them in and give them a walkthrough of the place, indicating what to take and what to leave (I don't live alone). Finally they ask to see my bedroom. I remember all my toys sitting out in the open. My stomach drops.
I race -- literally run -- upstairs, trying to get there first so I can shove the toys in a box before the two moving guys see them. No dice. They *run upstairs behind me*, like it's some kind of fucking race, and get there at the same time I do. They walk into my bedroom to see me holding a dildo the size of a small sledgehammer in one hand and a rubber vagina in the other.
The next 8 hours were the longest of my life, needless to say.
They were cool guys, very professional, and didn't say a word about it. They even volunteered to work overtime to get my things to my place on schedule. But still. *But still.*
CaptTatertosser: Never be ashamed of fapping habits. I have an industrial sized bottle of lube that I keep by my computer and refuse to hide no matter what company swings by. You should be proud of whatever goes on between you and your shit snatch.
tifuthrowaway111: The fact that they were professional about it made me feel somewhat better. No laughing, no joking, no mention of what they saw at all. They just stepped out of the room and let me put the things away, then carried on like normal.
I'm assuming that as professional movers, it's not the first time they've witnessed such things.
| 3 | 5.333333 |
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