start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1409319931 | 1409320141 | t3_2ex1q5 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not double checking containers
Short and sweet. Took an ibuprofen. Grabbed a handful of Pringles and paced while I chewed once or twice then swallowed. Grabbed a second handful and bit down. Heard a crack rather than a crunch. Froze mid bite. Ran to the sink and spit everything out as this foul taste filled my mouth.
Had grabbed about a dozen gel ibuprofen instead of chips.
Senatorweims16: On the bright side. You won't be in pain for much longer.
ScaldyOnionBag: or we wont have to read this shit!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409321505 | 1409332278 | t3_2ex41d | t5_2to41 | 56 | truthdust: TIFU by not wearing panties on date night with my husband.
So last night while putting our daughter to sleep I got a text from my husband. "Put on something sexy when your done." To me this means a tiny little dress that barely covers my bum, thigh high stiletto boots and no panties. I come down stairs where he is waiting throw on my boots and out we go. My husbands best friend frequently stays at our house and plays video games while the kids sleep and we go out. Get to the bar have a few drinks, sing some karaoke, get tipsy. Old guy in bar compliments by boots and kind of hits on me. Sees my ring and asks to go shake my husbands hand because I guess the married women he knows don't dress like call girls on date night. (tooting my horn I looked dope) Anyway husband grabs my butt and realizes I'm not wearing panties and decides that its time to go. We leave and as we are driving my SO starts playing with and fingering me. Well I am a squirter; for those who don't know this means I am a female ejaculator. Sometimes just a little, sometimes a lot like in a porn. My husband with years experience with my vagina knows how to make that happen pretty quickly and loves to make me squirt. So I quickly orgasm a couple times and get my dress and seat a bit wet but I think nothing of it because usually it dries and there isn't any evidence or residue. Then we find a secluded place to park and go at it on the hood like a couple of teenagers. After we get cleaned up we go to get back in the car and right in the middle of the wet spot on my seat is a white streak from where I came on the seat. Not a streak that I can explain away easy and now I have to figure out how to clean it off my car seat. Bad thing being our friends know we get kind of adventurous and will know immediately what that streak is. If I had worn panties the white would be on the undies not my car seat.
Edited post due to lack of details about child care. Usually I give to much detail and make a 5 min story last a hour. I tried to not do that here. Nobody panic the kids had ample adult supervision while sleeping.
kittens_in_mittens_: How is that a fuck up? That's really easy to clean. I suspect you just were hoping for upvotes for your soft core porn?
truthdust: What do you use? I'm totally serious, we ended up throwing out a futon mattress because it looked suspect. I tried cleaning it with baby wipes, wash cloth with soapy water. I finally gave up and said the baby smeared yogurt on it. Then she actually did smear yogurt on it and I looked even worse.
kittens_in_mittens_: Well, I've always just had luck with water and a good scrub or a bissle little green. But, based on what you're saying, maybe there is a difference between people? I think you would have success with an enzymatic cleaner, typically for pet stain removal. I can get out anything biological with "pet force" that shit is amazing. You can usually get it at a local pet store. Or, if not enzymatic cleaners are around you can try oxyclean?
truthdust: Thank you, working on the stain now. I just thought it was pretty funny when I got in the car this morning and was reminded of it.
WolfManBN: Tuff Stuff works great on carpets. http://www.walmart.com/ip/Tuff-Stuff-Cleaner-22-oz/16817397
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1409320266 | 1409324218 | t3_2ex26w | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by making an awkward move at the end of a first date with a woman that invited me up to watch the Twilight Zone.
Going through a divorce and I recently started going on dates from a website. This incredibly awesome and beautiful woman invited me out (which is very new to me), things were going well, and after a while we went up to her place to watch some Twilight Zone. I have never met anyone like this woman. I really did not believe someone like that actually existed. And in my typical awkwardness did not read the situation correctly, kind of panicked, then went in for one as I was leaving and it was clearly not the right thing to do at the time. Oh well, I guess you have to screw up with the good ones sometimes.
skunk_funk: Um, I think she mis-handled it. If you get invited up for some twilight zone after a date, I'm pretty sure a kiss isn't over-doing it.
TheShadyGuy: I couldn't tell. She asked me to let her know that I got home (I live a half hour away) and I never got a response. I am pretty sure I said something stupid at the moment of awkwardness as well, but in that mental state I don't remember what. She is a redditter...
FirstStepMoveForward: Biggest thing right now is that it seems like you're over-worrying / panicking. You need to get out of your head a little bit and realize everyone has moments like these. It'll be awkward if you're awkward about it, but if you try to carry on as though it didn't happen, or only talk about it if she brings it up, you'll probably be just fine. But the biggest thing is don't text/message/call her while in an anxious place, calm down a bit and then try to reach out.
TheShadyGuy: Thanks! I am not very good at this stuff.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1409323574 | 1409428600 | t3_2ex7aq | t5_2to41 | 22 | Bitcoinplug: TIFU by asking an awesome friend to join a threesome
I will keep this short. This is my second post today on TIFU. This was a few weeks ago.
Anyway, so basically I have a gf, and I met this girl. She is awesome. By that I mean, she is the only person that shares my interests, and that I can talk too about interesting things. We have conversations about space, about psychology, biology, everything. It's so much fun to talk to her. + She is hot.
But anyway, I had no plans to get with her, but a threesome seemed like a brilliant idea, and I remembered my gf telling me that it's ok to have a threesome. So I ask the girl and she says sure. Anyway, I go back to my gf and told her I set up a threesome. So this is where I fcked up. My GF apparently hates this girl, because apparently the girl likes me. So I tell her that's not true... only.. it turns out it is
The girl messages me saying she has a crush, I go "who is it", she goes, "just this guy with a gf, but gfs aren't removable"... so I am like... fck... Anyway so now I lost a friend, and my gf is super pissed at me and thinks I am in love with that girl or something....
Also I had to awkwardly cancel a threesome, which is 10 times more awesome than setting one up. This would have been my first one.
TL;DR: Set up threesome with a girl that my GFs hates, lost a friend, GF is mad.
thatguy9012: Yeah your "girlfriend" really "wanted" a "threesome".
Basically I read this as you tried to masturbate with your non-dominant hand but could not finish.
Bitcoinplug: lol <3 whats ur facebook I'll add you, I can give you my gfs phone number, I showed her this tifu
Raveman76: You mean the fake facebook account you made and added a bunch of other accounts you made and got the pictures from google?
And she also approves of you giving her number to random people? Thought you said she was mad at you. Your story's falling apart, asscrack. Give it up. The major f up here was you making this post thinking it would make you so cool. Guess what? A lot of people make fake tifus about them getting laid. Sometimes the majority falls for it and they appraise it. It looks like you're one of those people that got caught fakin and frontin
No, I will not wish you better luck next time. I rememebered your username and remember the fake you are.
Hey, did you leave the pot on? Because something is cooking. And guess what? That's you, fool.
Bitcoinplug: Fake facebook? I said webcam on skype.
Raveman76: Which you subsequently refused to show due to you being 'afraid of revealing their identity' If this was true, the facebook accounts certainly would be fake because you're covering it up. Showing a person's facebook doesn't prove anything on it's own
Plus you said 'ur gf' was mad at you...why would 'she' (she isn't real) cooperate with ur bs?
Bitcoinplug: what? I don't get it. She isn't mad anymore, she was upset, not like full on rage mode or something. She loves me she'll do whatever I want lol.
Raveman76: That's such a lie.
Bitcoinplug: prove it
Raveman76: How about you prove it? Obv u cant cuz ur fakin
| 10 | 2.2 | |
1409322395 | 1409333190 | t3_2ex5eu | t5_2to41 | 16 | Bitcoinplug: TIFU By getting kicked out of my GFs house by her strict russian mother [NSFW]
This is actually a TIFU anniversary, happened 1 year ago. I just broke up with a long term gf and was dating a russian model/actress (Not the super hot kind, but was a solid 8/10).
Anyway, I just started dating her and she kind of realized she was a rebound, I literally asked her on a "date" (bang) about 5 minutes after breaking up with the last girl.
So anyway, we basically barely talked, she was 17 at the time. She was a virgin, and I was horny, so we did HJs around 5 times a day for the first week.
So anyway, fast forward a week and I come to her house as a surprise, she is alone and was asleep, without giving her a chance I walk in and start my thing, leaving a trail of clothes leading to her room. So we are in her bed for like 30mins doing our thing (she wasn't very good so it took ages). Anyway, I am getting close to the impending nuclear explosion (what it felt like), and being stupid I go "where should I finish?". Not wanting to get it on myself.
Either way, we shuffle to the bathroom and she is doing her thing aiming for inside the bathtub. Literally AS I pop the lid her mum walks in.
I can't stop and she is just there, she starts screaming at me in russian, I have no idea what she is saying but she points at the door downstairs. I walk downstairs pulling my trousers up (Only her clothes were off, not mine), and grab my wallet/phone (on kitchen table) and walk out. She gives me the middle finger and is crying (the girl, no idea why), and I basically take it as a "never come back".
So I leave. I am so shocked I go meet my ex... and... do my thing with her.... Rebound to my Rebound... when I get home.. I have like paragraphs of messages begging for my forgivness from the russian model... I tell her that I did something with my ex, she never talks to me again.
I ended up dating my ex for another year (she is crazy), before dumping her. The russian girl found a really nerdy but apparently nice guy so I am glad for her.
TL;DR:
Came to my gfs house, her mum didn't know she had a boyfriend, did her, mum walks in, sees me, get kicked out, go back to my ex, gf apologizes after i've already gotten with ex, I tell her, everyone hates me. The end
Voyager5555: > leaving a trail of clothes leading to her room
> Only her clothes were off, not mine
You should probably get your story straight before positing.
OliStabilize: OP wears loads of layers
AnonySeeb: Layers like an onion?
| 4 | 4 | |
1409325730 | 1409346046 | t3_2exb3i | t5_2to41 | 88 | Dewstain: TIFU by wondering what kind of car that was...
Driving home from work the other day (I guess technically it's TODIFU), I come to a spot where I yield while turning right, while traffic going straight and to the left has a red-light.
I start to gradually make my turn, when I noticed an odd looking sort of van/SUV looking thing. No idea what it was, looked sort of unfinished or amateurish, so I thought maybe some sort of odd Eastern European car that someone had somehow imported to the US or something.
Whipped out my phone to take a pic, slowed down, holding up traffic a bit, rolled down my window, and right as I snapped the damn pic, I noticed that the guy in the passenger's seat is in some sort of Stephen Hawking's type apparatus.
Yep, I held up traffic to take a picture of a car, and ended up gawking at a handicapped person in their specialized vehicle.
Burned rubber getting the fuck out of there as quickly as possible.
Here's the pic: http://i.imgur.com/QDR9qML.jpg
SomeDingus: Don't feel bad, OP.
[I've done the same exact thing before.](http://i.imgur.com/1bmdrBj.jpg) It's a weird looking vehicle, for sure.
UnbridledCarnage: first time I saw that tarc van in the ville I chased it for 2 miles to figure out what it was
SomeDingus: When I first saw it I honestly thought it was some kind of weird custom conversion van that they built for wheelchair access or something. I never would have guessed its just a stock van.
| 4 | 22 | |
1409326040 | 1409344386 | t3_2exbnf | t5_2to41 | -5 | lechat_noir: TIFU by trying to be a good cat-mommy
This week I started back at college for the fall semester; I also work full-time as soon as I'm out of class. This is my first time doing both and I couldn't help but feel as if I had been neglectful of my 2 year old cat. So last night I decided to stay in and play with him and get some chores done. I thought that maybe the cat would appreciate having his litter cleaned a little sooner than usual so I changed out the liner and everything and closed up.
----> This morning, my kitty would not shut up!! He does this every morning until he gets fed and then I roll over and go back to sleep until my alarm goes off. Well, he wouldn't stop meowing even after I fed him and I just wanted to sleep, so hunkered down and refused to give in to him. Next thing I know, my cat is hunched over me taking a dump on my cheek (I'm a side sleeper). My natural reaction is to scream and sit up quickly, throwing him across the bed in process with a rope of defecation still coming out of him and all over my bedspread and sheets. Apparently, I changed out the liner of the litter box but forgot to put new litter in. It's been a great morning.
TL;DR:
I forgot to put in new litter in my cat's box and he shat on my face in protest.
somnodoc: Your first mistake was owning a cat.
Wind__: This^ cats are just annoying to have. No one on Reddit will think that cause they are just Neck beard retarded fags that think they know everything.
| 3 | -1.666667 | |
1409328417 | 1409537821 | t3_2exfqx | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: Tifu: Sexual harassment
~ 2 months ago, I got drunk. Was just reminded of this because of a party I was just invited to.
I was horny drunk. Texted my girlfriend something along the lines of her sitting on my face....or so i thought. The next morning i realized I sent it to my friends mom accidentally. She added me on Facebook a day or 2 later. I deleted the request and swept it under the rug, hopefully to be forgotten. I'll probably see her Sunday. Yay
TheRedKingofReddit: So are you gonna do it then after all?
[deleted]: You misspelled ”avoid her at all costs"
Pokedude453: Probably auto-correct don't worry about it! Heh mobile users...
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1409328052 | 1409331178 | t3_2exf3f | t5_2to41 | 83 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on Twitter
Everybody is probably aware that every decision you make directly effects upcoming events in your life. You don't know how, you generally don't think about them, and you can rarely look back at one specific moment that changed your life and point it out. We all think about the important stuff like going to school and getting a degree, taking a certain job, hanging out with certain people, etc. But, do you ever realize that the small, seemingly unimportant actions you make can have much greater consequences than anything else?
About 3 years ago now, I was bored at home sitting on my computer. There are literally thousands of things I could have done in that exact moment. I chose to go on Twitter and look my timeline. As my timeline loaded I saw a tweet from a girl who was looking for help with a Blackberry that she was having an issue with. I didn't know this girl. I knew one of my friends had hooked up with her many years prior. I knew she lived half way across the country. We had never spoken, and I had forgotten I had even followed her to begin with.
It was the first tweet I saw on my timeline that day. I replied and asked her what the issue was. She followed me back and sent me a direct message answering my questions. It turned out she wanted to buy a used Blackberry. It also turned out that I had just upgraded to a Samsung Galaxy, and my Blackberry was now just collecting dust in a box. I never, ever trade in or resell old electronics. Never have, never will. I asked her if she also had T-Mobile, and she said yes. I asked her for her address and mailed it out to her.
The conversation progressed and she asked me what I wanted in return and I said nothing, that it was fine, and she should just pay it forward. I was never going to use the phone again or sell it, and if someone could get some use out of it, then all the better. The conversation soon ended with a thank you and a you're welcome, and I thought that was the end of my interaction with this girl.
Later that night, around 2am, I get another DM. Her message was 'call me'. That was weird, I didn't have her number, and that's a weird time of night to get that sort of message from someone you don't know. This is an obvious red flag, but whatever, I asked her if everything was alright. She said yeah. I said well I don't have your number and she replied back with it. I called her and we ended up having a great conversation for almost 2 hours until I was falling asleep.
These phone conversations and texts started happening more and more, day in and day out. We'd talk all the time, get to know each other, talk about life and our goals, etc. We clearly had a connection. She told me she was visiting a friend in my area in a few days (this is 2 weeks after we started talking) and if she gets a chance she would like to meet up. I said sure, as I was thoroughly smitten by this mysterious girl who I'd never met.
So we meet. I arrive early, as I always do, and when she shows up, it was instant. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in person. I felt like a middle school kid with a crush for the first time in a long time. We greeted each other awkwardly and began to talk and walk around the city. We eventually stopped and got some food, then continued walking and talking. 6 hours later, it was time for her to go back to her friends house, and it was time for me to go home. I told her it was nice to meet her and gave her a kiss on her lips where we both lingered for more time than usual. It was electric.
On the drive home, I was convinced I was in love. I knew I had to explore this relationship, somehow.
____
This girl became my girlfriend shortly after. I would spend half the month in the state she lived in with her and the other half the month at my own home. I was making good money and my work allowed me to travel and be wherever I wanted to be, so it worked out great. The first several months were great and I hadn't been happier in many years. Slowly things started to unravel.
She admitted to me that she was in AA, which I honestly had no problem with and completely supported. She admitted to me that she was being treated for bi-polar disorder and for depression, again I understood and was supportive. She admitted to me a variety of other things about her life, that quite frankly were insane, but I was in love and I didn't care. Your past is your past, it's what you do in the present and the future that matter, at least IMO.
After the first set of revelations I could see things changing between us. She had gained about 70 pounds since we had met, because of the nasty side effects of her SSRI's. I didn't care, I never commented on her weight and still treated her the same. It turns out that she had decided to stop taking her meds and started lying about it, so everything about her changed. She began engaging in extremely inappropriate emotional relationships with several guys she either met online just like me, or that she used to date. Pictures, videos, sexting... the whole deal.
I knew something was up, but I didn't know what it was. I didn't want to violate our relationship boundaries by going through her phone, but I had no choice. When I looked through it, I was blown away. She was living a completely different life that didn't include me in this virtual space. Her social media and text messages looked like they were from someone who I didn't know. She had a completely different persona and character she was playing. It was crushing to me.
I confronted her, she apologized, I accepted, we kept going.
This went on for the next year or so, with me periodically catching her in the act, us fighting, her apologizing, and me forgiving her.
We got to the point where I had to either move to the state she was in or I we had to break up. Being as I still was deeply in love with her, I got a job in her state, quit my job at home, packed up my car, rented out my house to some friends, and drove down to her. I had already been paying for an apartment in her state, that she was living in when I wasn't in town, so it was a pretty easy transition in that respect.
Within the first week, she was up to her old tricks, I caught her, we fought, and neither of us could take it anymore, we broke up. This is the first week I had moved across the country for her. I had no real friends in this new place. I had just started a new job. It was one of the loneliest moments of my life, and I have had quite a few lonely moments in my life unfortunately.
10 months have gone by now and I sat to think about what exactly happened. I made a series of bad decisions, ignored every red flag, and generally acted like a moron. I know this to be true.
What is even more true though is that one seemingly unimportant choice completely altered the course of my entire life. If at that moment I hadn't decided to go on twitter to check my news feed, everything that my life is now, doesn't happen. I don't move. I don't get a new career. I don't make all the great new friends I have made. I don't go through that extreme heartache and learn from it. If I had just decided to go on Facebook instead none of this happens. If I had decided to just watch a movie none of this happens. If I had decided to go get a drink of water none of this happens.
I really regretted that decision when I first realized how I got to where I am. But, now, I believe it was exactly what I needed. It motivated me to be better and get better. It taught me what I do and don't want in my relationships going forward. It also taught me what I'm capable of.
One momentary decision, changed my life. Good or bad, it did.
BuckYouFitch: Wow.. best tifu yet. Smooth read and amazingly phrased. I love you op. No homo. ♡
dmt13: Lol, thanks.
BuckYouFitch: No need to 'lol'. :p. I'm actually serious. Xp and you're welcome!
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1409327473 | 1409372974 | t3_2exe4q | t5_2to41 | 6,081 | period-fucker: TIFU by having sex in the dark. [NSFW]
This occurred a couple years ago when I was a senior in high school. I started dating this girl from another school. She was my first girlfriend, really nice, very pretty, and I couldn't be happier.
One night, after we had been dating for a couple months, I was hanging out with her at her house. Her parents were out for the night and we were just sitting on the couch in the living room watching a movie. After some cuddling our attention began to drift away from the movie and towards each other. Once it was evident that both of us were in the mood we wasted no time ripping off each other's clothes and getting at it, right there on the living room couch. I mean, we were in high school and lived with our parents, so we would jump at any chance we got to be intimate in a house to ourselves.
All the lights were out, except for the TV, and she was laying with her back on the couch and I was on top. After a couple minutes we both simultaneously came ... to the realization that something didn't feel quite right. She was really wet, but it was kind of thick and squishy. I got up and flipped on the light. She gasped and I looked down to see my dick covered in blood. She must have started her period right before we started having sex and did realize it due to the horniness. I looked back over to her and then realized why she had gasped. There was a big, red wet stain on her parents' **white** living room couch. Shit. Her parents were what I would consider rich, so their house and most of their possessions were expensive and always clean and tidy.
We both started panicking. She went to get a wet rag while I went to the bathroom and quickly wiped off my natural dipstick. We tried cleaning the couch with the rag, but it did nothing to lift the stain. We found cleaning products in the kitchen and tried using them. It toned it down, but the stain was still there and glaring.
We came to the conclusion that we were fucked and the stain wasn't coming out. Her parents were coming home soon and we would have to explain it to them. Using our quick wits and excellent high school level problem solving skills we hatched a plan. She went back to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. I then let her slice my knee open and let it drip on the couch for authenticity.
When her parents got home my girlfriend explained to them that during the movie I got up to use the bathroom and at some point must have scraped my knee on a nail or something somewhere. I didn't notice that it was really bleeding that bad because we had the lights off. Her parents were surprised and didn't really know how to react. I'm just standing there agreeing with her while sweating bullets. They seemed suspicious, but thankfully didn't bother questioning us any further.
tl;dr: Had sex with girlfriend on her parents' white living room couch. GF started period and bled on couch. Went to some extreme lengths for a cover-up story.
BDCanuck: Her parents likely have heard of menstruation. I'm guessing she could have gotten away with, "My period started, I didn't realize it. By the time I realized it, I was embarrassed and was hoping "Brad" would go home soon so that I could assess the damage and clean up". They might think she's a dingbat, but they wouldn't likely assume that you guys banged while she was on her period on a white couch.
period-fucker: Yeah, rational thinking was kind of out the window.
Iamchinesedotcom: Doesn't matter, got shivved.
SnowRidin: *had sex
StoneHolder28: Same thing, right?
jerrytheman1998: NO
Will_Huggins: You sure?
Garper: Yes.
undercover_seaturtle: Then I'm still a virgin...
Deimos56: Well, I mean... They can both happen in dark alleys, have the potential to involve blood, and involve penetrating someone with a hard object. I can see where the confusion occurred.
Arsestolemyname: Roses are red,
violets are blue.
I've got a knife and a dong;
one's going in you. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 12 | 506.75 | |
1409328595 | 1409338204 | t3_2exg29 | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU ny shredding my debit card.
Recently I ordered a new card, assuming the other one had been lost. I then found the old one a day later, which was irritating; but my new one was going to be cool and contactless! Which excited me, because I get excited easily
Having been sent it this morning and cancelling the old one, I merrily decided to go to town on my old one. I pulverised it, always paranoid that an enterprising landfill worker might play "jigsaw" with the fragmented card.
I went to town, put my new card on the bus and it was declined. Strange. I checked the details. That was weird, I noticed, why does my new card expire when my old card expires? I then realised with a shock I was carrying my old card, and my lovely new card was now sitting in a hundred shards in the bin.
I suck
NedNoodles: >I suck
You sure do.
arse4hats: Well aren't you just a ray of fucking sunshine.
| 3 | 19 | |
1409329293 | 1409358548 | t3_2exhap | t5_2to41 | 25 | Trompwn: TIFU by leaving a hamster alone with three small children.
Today my two cousins came over my house. One is barely three and the other is 8 or 9. They seemed content playing with my little brother, also 3, until they noticed the quiet hamster cage in my bedroom.
Naturally, these two young girls were entranced by the sleeping hamster nestled away inside under a mound of shavigs. They demanded to see him; I politely reminded them that the hamster was sleeping and probably shouldn't be woken. Encouraging my little brother to their side, all 3 of these children begged to see it, and I just caved. This was a mistake.
We rudely awoke the hamster and put him into his running ball. Hoping this would occupy the younglings for enough time to get some peace and quiet, I didn't notice the trio of titillated toddlers coax the rolling hamster out of the room and into the hallway.
This hamster is not mine. It is my 2nd brother's. He is 12 and loves this hamster more than any human. He has nurtured it and cared for it since Christmas. It is the only reason he gets up in the morning and the only thing that keeps him up at night. He LOVES this hamster.
As I noticed an apparent 100% reduction in irritating children in my room, I followed the sounds of giggling and laughter to the guest bedroom where the trio had springed the poor animal from its spherical prison. I watched in horror as the newly released rodent ran out of the room and into the bathroom.
We chased the hamster into the bathroom and managed to catch a fleeting glimpse of its tiny bottom disappearing round the back of the sink and into gap in the wall designed to allow access for pipes. Me, my youngest brother and my two cousins stood there, unable to formulate our next actions.
I started off by writing a sorry note to my brother and putting it on his bed. I intended to remove the note later when the hamster resurfaced so I made it slightly comedic. This was my second mistake.
With the note written we sat around the sink, waiting. The hamster did not come back. Just at that moment, my brother, the owner of the missing hamster, arrived after a trip out with friends. The hamster had been gone for nearly ten minutes and the whole scenario was taking on a more serious tone. I told him what had happened and he was not happy.
He immediately told our mother who sprinted to the scene. She brought the two cousins' mother in tow. After the situation was adequately explained we all stood around waiting. The hamster remained hidden. By this point my brother had discovered the note I had written in jest about his disappeared hamster and interpreted it as a personal attack from the two cousins. The two cousins' mother grabbed the note, containing the line, "it was only a stupid hamster, grow up you baby," the note I had written and said she would talk to her two daughters later on about this horrible attempt at humour.
Soon after this the cousins and their mother left and my brother became adamant that he could hear his hamster beneath the floor boards. My brother has cursed me to an early grave for allowing this to happen, my two cousins are currently taking the wrap for a note I wrote in jest and the floorboards are currently being taken off to locate the runaway hamster.
And it is mostly my fault.
TL; DR: Brother's beloved hamster is lost after three young relatives release him into a gap in the bathroom. Sarcastic sorry note blamed on two of the three children. I am responsible for hamster's death.
UPDATE: The floorboards have been replaced with no sign of the poor creature. My brother has opted to go out to take his mind off of the whole situation. The blame has been placed squarely at my feet as I didn't let anyone know the hamster was out of his cage, but I have made some pretty good arguments. My DIY-handy dad had the thought that it might have ended up beneath the bath, so he stripped the side of the bath, revealing the dark empty underbelly. Still no hamster. I did hear some scratching but this has stopped; the hamster is either somewhere else in the house, asleep or dead. I do not know which I prefer.
UPDATE 2: Against all odds, the hamster has returned, after about 8 on its own.
I was sat in my bedroom with the door open playing the Xbox. Out of the corner of my eye I see movement, and lo and behold, there he is walking in. I quickly run up and shut the door. Trouble is, a replacement hamster has since been purchase and now there will be some competition for my brother's affections...
xTastlesSWateRx: Damn, how old is your brother? Because frankly, he's acting like an 8 year old.
Trompwn: He's 13. But believe me, that damn hamster is his world.
hamsterpantz: I'm 17 and have a hamster. I would react the same way, probably worse.
OnlyForF1: I would full punch a 5 year old if they lost my guinea pig
| 5 | 5 | |
1409330913 | 1409392825 | t3_2exk7z | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: TIFU by dancing naked while making lunch.
This fuck up is probably the most embarrassing moment of my life so far and happened earlier today so I thought what better than to share with you lovely people!
Some back story of my situation: I just moved into a house which I'm sharing with 5 other people but I'm the only one here since term hasn't started and I'm the only one with a job in the city we go to university in. This means I've been living alone for a few weeks now. On with the story.
As I said I live alone at the moment so of course as any freedom loving man I like to take advantage of walking around the house naked because, who wouldn't? Now of course I'm careful to keep the blinds closed so none of the neighbours inadvertently get an eyeful of my pork sword. I'm especially careful with the blinds in the kitchen due to the crazy guy who loves wandering into our garden and shouting at random things, but that's a story for another day.
So the day rolls on to lunchtime, I saunter down to the kitchen in all my glory to make some grub.
Blinds shut? Check.
Music playing? Check.
Great I think to myself and get to work on lunch, this is where I start getting into the music it starts with some singing, quietly of course, I don't want to alarm my neighbours so they think some horrible tragedy is taking place in my house. Next comes the dancing and at this point I'm having a good time making lunch and busting out some moves
[kinda like this]
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsTxLcuWLck)
but more naked.
At this point the music is pretty loud and I'm really in the zone but oh what a mistake this was. I turn around and right there in my living room is a guy with a camera, I had never seen this man in my life before and hope I never have to. So me stood there completely frozen butt naked with my manhood staring him down. All that's going through my mind is how did this guy break in without me hearing and how on earth am I going to get out of this situation, will I have to wrestle him to the ground, can I even fight him? We were roughly the same size and I've only been been in a few fights so I didn't even know how to approach this. Will I have to nakedly restrain him until the police arrive?
After a few seconds, which seemed like a lifetime, of this awkward stand off I grab the nearest thing to cover myself up which happened to be the pan I was cooking lunch in. I wasn't even sure if I was going to use this as a weapon or to cover myself up, I opt for the latter forgetting what I was actually cooking in it and of course my hand turns the pan sideways spilling boiling super noodles all down my legs (thankfully missing my meat stick). My plan was to use this to cover myself and search for something else to use as a weapon.
Instead I'm stood there in excruciating pain after just boiling my legs, note at this point the guy has just been stood there probably thinking how his life has lead him to this point. I shout out to him "Who the hell are you! Why are you here?!" among many other things. I think at one point I may have even said "Who sent you?" what, now I'm living in early 20th century New York with the Mafia after me?
Eventually he mutters "Ummm, I'm a photographer". I cannot think of any logical reason for a photographer to break into my house so I angrily shout back "WHAT?!". "Yeah" he says "(our estate agent) sent me here to take pictures of the rooms and communal areas, they gave me a key in case no one was in".
I'm stood there naked with boiling chicken flavoured water down my legs not sure sure whether or not to believe him, to my knowledge there wasn't supposed to be a photographer. He then tells me to check my e-mail. Sure enough there was an e-mail from them telling me he would be coming. After the whole debacle I scuttle off to my room with only a pan covering me up letting out a sorry as I walked past in what was the most embarrassing fail I've ever experienced.
Why he didn't leave after he explained, I don't know I guess he wanted to make it even worse by just standing there and now we're both scarred for the rest of our lives or at least I am both mentally and physically.
TL;DR: I mistook a photographer from my estate agent staring at my junk for a criminal breaking into my house causing me to burn myself, lose my super noodles and any dignity I previously had.
AttheCrux: One of the things I liked about having my own place in Uni was being naked. There is something about not having to bother with the formality of it, its like a little holiday from being civil.
bad luck though. You should have just carried on as normal maybe added a German accent they would have just dismissed it as a life choice.
I Uni'd in London, a crazy lady would go through all the bins, not a little rummage she'd take it all out, spread it out neatly then neatly put it back.
[deleted]: Don't know if you can be too sure in Uni either. I worked in a building services company where there had been many complaints about the heating not working at an on-campus Uni dormitory which a bunch of us were sent to quickly fix (along with a bunch of other guys from another company). The required points of access were all located in the rooms so we needed inside each and every single one.
We were given a master key to get into the rooms and we were told to knock, give a good 10-30 seconds for a response and then go in ourselves if nobody had opened the door. Some of the guys obviously didn't give a shit, it was a Friday and they wanted to get the fuck back home, for them it was a long drive. So they shouted 'building services', gave it one second and barged into the room. I heard a few cases of females in panties and bra (which left them occupied chatting about it at lunch for me to quietly read The Sun) and guys sleeping naked in their bed, fortunately they weren't too bothered by the intruders sudden appearance as they were already warned about it.
At one point one of the guys barged through a door (where there was a student fast asleep in bed) and shouted 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING STILL IN BED, ITS 2 O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKIN AFTERNOON' *picture a cockney accent*. Oh boy what a shock that guy got.
AttheCrux: just to explain I rented privately during the last 2 years of Uni, I burnt though a massive chunk of my savings to make sure I had a nice place.
I feel this is almost solely responsible for the amount of naked girl fun I had in Uni.
| 4 | 24 | |
1409328571 | 1409358796 | t3_2exg0z | t5_2to41 | 131 | Not-Kim-Il-Sung: TIFU by looking like a sadistic fuck
Quick one guys but I can't remember the last time I facepalmed this hard.
Our little story starts with myself going to the gym, Packed my bags and jumped in my car. I drove to the bottom of my street which emerges onto a main road. Now I absolutely love horses and I see horses and carriages coming up the main road, I wait and give way for the carriages to pass.
These horses were beautiful, probably about 18 hands, black and perfectly in sync with eachother. As they pass I give them a wave and I give them a big shit eating grin.
The carriages passed me and what I saw took a few seconds to register in my brain. It was a fucking funeral carriage and everyone in the cars behind and the people on the carriage were staring at me with the fury of a thousand suns.
My face suddenly turned to horror as the carriage passed. My palm hit my face that hard that I actually left a mark. Fuck my life.
TL:DR: Smiled and waved at a funeral car, death glare from many.
EDIT: Spelling
41stGentleman: Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave...
Mal10284: There is NEVER an inappropriate time to quote Madagascar. *high fives*
13247586: Can I join in on the high fiving? Please?
Mal10284: Of course. The more the better!
13247586: Yay! *high five*
| 6 | 21.833333 | |
1409332072 | 1409339805 | t3_2exm9e | t5_2to41 | 123 | gbpotato: TIFU By lending my GF a book.
So as many fuck ups this one happened in the past.
Anyway, after a peaceful break up with my ex I started dating a new girl a few months after. She and I studied the same major but while I'm already in the last year of college she is at around the middle meaning she is taking courses that I'm done with for good.
So, as the title says, I lent her my pediatrics book. A book my ex and I used when we were taking that course a few years back, a book where said ex used to write things to me that went from "you are the love of my life" to "I want the d" (this one might be slightly dramatized).
By this time GF is getting jealous about my relationship with ex (ex and I are doing medical internship in the same hospital and since we broke up peacefully we still hang together while within hospital walls as friends) so when I lend her the book and she finds out those messages (6 months worth of them) she goes bat shit crazy and gives me an ultimatum "stop hanging out with her" which I can't comply with since we are in the same shift rotation (not much you can do about it; the chief resident assigns them at the start of the rotation).
After that it spiraled out of control and ended badly when I called her my ex's name by mistake.
I still cringe about this fuck up.
TL;DR Gave used pediatrics book to GF a few years ago forgetting that my ex at the time used to write all kind of messages in it. GF saw them and went bat shit crazy because I was doing my medical internship in the same hospital and rotation as my ex.
BDCanuck: What's the status now?
I'd say throw the book out, and buy your girl a new copy. Just switch them out. If that's a $100 book, hopefully the price of it is a big enough olive branch to help her get over it.
I don't think your GF is being super unreasonable. It's just the situation that is to blame.
gbpotato: This happened a few years ago, as a matter of fact I'm back together with ex from the story and close to getting married.
BDCanuck: Yup. Your GF was totally crazy for being jealous. :|
gbpotato: Well to be fair that was 3 years ago and I dated another 2 girls before my ex and I got back together.
BDCanuck: So, a serial monogamist, hmmm? She shoulda known better... :P
gbpotato: What can I say? In my country there are no one night stands, you have to date the girl if you want to get laid.
BDCanuck: I'm just teasing you. And... there are one night stands in every country. Not that the desire to get laid is a sufficient reason to enter into a relationship. I have a website you [might like.](http://www.redtube.com)
| 8 | 15.375 | |
1409329989 | 1409546936 | t3_2exik1 | t5_2to41 | 128 | J0rO79: TIFU by ruining a wedding
So today we had a wedding at work (quite a posh hotel), there was an accident on the motorway and the singer they had booked for their wedding ceremony was stuck in traffic and not going to be able to make it. My work asked me to download the songs they wanted, I grabbed the three songs and stuck them on my phone.
Plugged my phone through the main suites PA system and played the songs during the three seperate parts of the ceremony. Now this would probably be a good time to tell you a vital part of this story, a couple weeks ago while walking down the hotel corridor I heard some people having some very very loud sex, I decided for a laugh to record a couple seconds of it on my phone to show one of the guys at work how loud it actually was.
Now I think you have probably guessed what happened next, as one song finished it auto played the next song which happened to be a sound clip of some very loud sex.
I think I might be in a lot of trouble.
Pass3Part0uT: Hahaha. Now you know to appreciate life for what it is and not be a snoop. Next time laugh at the sex sounds and don't record them.
Of these two stories it's the story of you recording that will get you in more trouble IMO.
Edit:typo
TomFoolCape: If they were being that loud it wasn't private. If he had looked through the doorknob different syory. But they weren't so the sound was public.
Pass3Part0uT: Sorry. Maybe for you and I it is. This individual is working... Definitely not OK.
TomFoolCape: Oh yes I do agree that he shouldn't have recorded it.
| 5 | 25.6 | |
1409335190 | 1409343520 | t3_2exrwu | t5_2to41 | 6 | Xayus: TIFU by falling for an office scam.
So I got a phone call today from someone named "Dave". They asked who they were speaking with and I gave them my name. They asked if I was able to make purchasing decisions and I said yes. They said they wanted to update me on toner prices. I didn't think anything of it, because in my head, I can understand that toner prices would change once in a while, so I told him that was fine. He asked to verify the make and model of my copier and I told him. Once he had all of the information, he said he was new and needed an associate to help me out. I asked him to verify if he was with our copier company, and he hung up. After getting a weird vibe, I told my coworker about it and he said it was a scam and that the guy was now going to send me a lot of copier toner and a huge invoice. On the phone I specifically said that I wasn't ordering anything, but I don't think it matters. I fucking hate scammers man. Now I have to be on the lookout for anything I didn't order and make sure I don't sign it. This sucks. I feel like such a sucker. In hindsight it was obvious.
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: Our receptionist did it and we ended up getting a bill for the toner. They threatened to send the company to collections for non payment. I don't recall seeing any toner delivered. I think it operates more on the premise that if they threaten you and send a invoice, it's cheaper for the companies to pay it than battle a hit to their credit.
Xayus: At this point they have zero confirmation of anything remotely resembling an order. No prices have been discussed, no products, no nothing. I specifically said "I haven't ordered anything". I have advised all coworkers not to sign for any packages with my name on them, or anything resembling paper or toner without the manager looking it over. If they send an invoice without us actually signing receipt of a product of some sort, they've got some balls, and zero proof of an order. Also, our company is so large and so powerful that this company wouldn't put even a tiny dent in our credit. It would be laughable. That said, thank you for the response, now I know to be on the lookout for an invoice and keep a lighter handy to burn it to ashes.
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: I'm glad. Those people are scum and deserve to die in a fire. On the plus side, like it was said above, it's fun to mess with them. They get so pissy.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409335682 | 1409337474 | t3_2exst4 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Greiko: TIFU by trying to Join a free style rap battle
I walked down the street to 711 to get a coffee, and muffin. On my way out I passed five guys freestyle rapping while one of them was beat boxing. Me and the one of the guys locked eyes, and thought I won’t claim to have a lot of street credibility I figured was challenged to stomp the yard or whatever, so I jumped to the middle of the circle with a lot of gusto and confidence and then proceeded to do this three times in a row:
1. “uhn… yo… uhn uhn”
2. “There’s no snare in my head phones”
3. “yo speed the beat up a little bit”
4. “yeah… uhn”
5. “nah that was too much, a little slower…”
6. “yeah… uhn… wait nah, a little faster now”
I did that 3 times in a row before the beat boxer stopped, and one of the dudes slapped my coffee out of my hands and pushed me really hard, while yelling “what the fuck are you doing? You think this is some kind of joke?” Not knowing what to do, and being super nervous, and considering there were five of them and one of me I just started mumbling “b rabbit… b rabbit… knees weak... vomit on my shirt, mom’s spaghetti”. The rest of the guys started taking steps of me. Out of nowhere and to the left someone yelled “HEY” we all looked to see a cop walking towards us, “what’s going on here?”
“Nothing officer, these guys are just getting over the fact that I totally owned them at some street freestyle rap. Do have some ice packs? There might be some burns that need attending.” He looks at them “that true?” they sort of nod, but look dumbfounded. “Anyway officer the agreement was that if I could beat all five of them, they’d get me a coffee… so speaking of which who’s going to do that?” The guy who slapped my coffee out of my hands raised his hand but he looked like he wanted to kill me, not get me a coffee, so we walked inside, while the cop talked to his friends. I grabbed a new cup of coffee and he paid for it. I walked back outside and said “Well I’ve got to get back to work, you fellas let me know when you are done with amateur hour, and want get to get serious about your music. You can’t make it with whack feel me? Bones…” each one gave me a sweet little fist bump. Never going back there again. And I swear it’s not because I’m scared, I just don’t like to hang out at places crawling with cops. I totally had that situation before he intervened.
TL;DR TODAY I fucked up by trying to join a free style rap, Cop saved my ass.
Nessiah1: I totally thought I was walking into a spin off for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Greiko: This did happen in West Philadelphia... so..
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1409334711 | 1409359201 | t3_2exr1s | t5_2to41 | 53 | MobofGlitch: TIFU by seeing Book of Mormon
So last weekend I saw Book of Mormon. And all week I've had the songs stuck in my head non stop. They're all so damn catchy.
In an ironic twist of TIFU fate, For the last few hours I've been making obnoxious "hasa diga eebowai" comments in various TIFU posts. For example "When you give your sister herpes, hasa diga eebowai", ... but substituting giving your sister herpes for whatever the TIFU was...you get the idea. Then I'd sing my comment in my head since the song is stuck there (if you listen to it you'll understand how catchy it is). Well, doing this gave me the urge to actually listen to it, so I found it on Youtube. I had headphones in, and started humming it to myself. Well I was getting pretty into it... and when I got to the "I have maggots in my scrotum" line... without thinking I dramatically sung out loud "I HAVE MAGGOTS IN MY SCROOOTttUUUMMMMM"
Well, of course, my boss was walking behind my cubicle just as this happened. He heard me. Stopped dead in his tracks. Stared me down for a good 10 seconds. And then said "what the fuck is your problem?". I tried to explain it was from a song...don't think he believed me.
TL;DR: Saw Book of Mormon ... told boss I have maggots in my scrotum. Hasa diga eebowai :/
BDCanuck: I've never heard the song until now! Totally worth a [listen!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLb7_UrV3-A)
MobofGlitch: Many valuable lessons in that song... like When God fucks you in the butt, fuck him right back in the cunt.
BDCanuck: In the one I posted, there was nothing about "maggots in my scrotum". Are there different versions?
MobofGlitch: It actually wasn't in that youtube clip...in the stage show the guy just said it after the song....so thats why I took the liberty of adding it in out loud at the end. The Maggots in my scrotum thing was a running gag throughout the musical.
Also, after the fact I realized he didn't actually sing it in the dramatic way which I did during the Hasa Diga song... he did it as an interlude during the "All American Prophet" song...heres the link...its around 3:58
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHExlzqWVyM
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1409336838 | 1409338800 | t3_2exuyv | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by sharing my friend's personal information.
Today I fucked up. Big time. Main account because throwaways are for pussies.
So, I'm 16. Let's get that out of the way. I'm in high school, so pretty dumb. Last year, I had this thing with a girl. We both "loved" each other, but she stopped us from dating because she didn't was a long-term relationship. She was leaving the country as soon as she graduated, and didn't want to have any regrets. At least, that's what she told me.
We've essentially moved on, and I've been doing pretty good. Had a summer girlfriend, and was flirting with a girl when this school year started. Someone, however, thought it would be hilarious if they texted her, from my phone, "I love you." She responded with, "Thank you Calaethan, but don't push this." The person with my phone thought this was pretty funny, so they kept on texting her. Eventually she revealed a lot of personal things and basically said she needed a friend, not a boyfriend. She had a lot of problems, and the person with my phone told her to "get over it." She gets pissed, and cusses me out(over text). I find out, and make the person say, "jk, this is so-and-so." She gets angrier, and assumes I'm lying.
Now this was just so surreal for me. I decided the best course of action was to ignore her texts of "I'm sorry for cussing" and "We need to talk" because I just didn't know what to say. Fuck up number one. So I decided to show my friends, and tell them how much the situation sucked, and such. Fuck up number two.
The next day, I decide to man-up and talk to her. First thing she says:"So I heard you were showing everyone our conversation." FUCK. I all of sudden remembered all of the personal shit she had told me. She told me she was going to counseling every week. And I showed just about everyone I know. So I walked away, and am now typing this on a park bench because I couldn't stay at school.
So yeah. Fuck.
TL;DR: Read the damn thing.
desdemonata: > The person with my phone thought this was pretty funny, so they kept on texting her.
> I find out, and make the person say, "jk, this is so-and-so." She gets angrier, and assumes I'm lying.
Actually, *those* are your first two fuck ups. Why did you let someone have your phone unsupervised, and then, once the conversation had turned to serious subjects and personal stuff, use "joke, sorry".
Calaethan: Because I'm a fucking idiot. I thought I made that clear.
desdemonata: What I'm trying to say is, keep tighter hold of your stuff. Your later fuck-ups only happened because of these ones.
Seriously though, you should probably explain all this to this girl. Don't just pin the blame on the other guy though, mainly just make it clear you've realised you're an idiot. It's never too late to say sorry.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1409338067 | 1409353988 | t3_2exx3r | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by: Getting caught going to work on my itchy nuts.
I work in a building that has a showroom on the lower level. This show room has "shades" on the window in the back right corner. Normally there is only 1 person in that room 90% of the time but when buyers come in to pick certain things they go into the show room to select choices. I had recently shaved my nut sack (any guy knows they become extremely itchy a week or so after) and as I was waiting for the elevator I went wrist deep into my boxers and scratched away like a dog with fleas. as I got into the elevator and turned around to select my floor I saw an entire family looking at me in utter disgust.
TL,DR: got caught ferociously scratching my ball sack by an entire family.
DatChickens: I've never had this issue. I just use a regular razor and it doesn't itch at all.
scrndude: Me too. I also use aftershave though so that might help.
DatChickens: I don't use cream or aftershave.
I just do it in the shower.
mharrizone: I use tweezers.
CaptainFairchild: I use a rusty bayonet for the rough stuff and some fine grained sand paper for the detail.
firemaster: ಠ_ಠ
| 7 | 7.857143 | |
1409342418 | 1409388212 | t3_2ey4e6 | t5_2to41 | 157 | HowAboutSomeScarySex: TIFU by pissing all over the back of my jeans at work ... like just now
Well, I knew I'd have something for this sub eventually, and my day has finally come.
So about 30 minutes or so ago I wandered into the bathroom for a nice, lazy, sit down and browse reddit bathroom break. Something has gone horribly wrong. Somehow, I wasn't paying attention when I started pissing (I have a piercing so I generally have to pay a little more attention to ensure that nothing is going where it shouldn't.) and rather than safely flowing down the bowl my piss somehow (guessing through the top hole of the piercing) made its way over the top edge of the bowl and down the side of said bowl onto my waiting and absorbant jeans.
I didn't realize that there was a little puddle of piss under the bowl until I stood up and did not realize my jeans were wet until I pulled them up. After a few minutes of puzzling over the situation I realized, to my utter horror, what had occurred.
I've cleaned up the puddle, but now I'm stuck in here waiting for my jeans to dry and really hoping that the smell of piss isn't strong enough to capture attention once they do. I feel I have no recourse but to slip and fall in coffee in the lunch room or something to take suspicion off my situation.
So that's it. I'm sitting here right now in my pissy jeans waiting for a miracle. Time to grab more paper towels...
mharrizone: That's terrible - you must be pissed!
thisisme101: Wouldn't take a whiz to surmise that.
HowAboutSomeScarySex: Urine trouble if you're trying to turn my trauma into a pun thread.
Reganato: The pissing contest really needs to end now.
EpicRaptor: Oh piss off with the puns.
Reganato: Well aren't you full of piss and vinegar!
AdamtheGrim: OP peed all over his pants.
patx35: I thought her.
| 9 | 17.444444 | |
1409341804 | 1409347608 | t3_2ey3f2 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Slimjawb: TIFU by trimming my nose hairs too short.
I was shaving after a shower and noticed that I had a nose hair which was sticking out of my nostril. No problem, I took out the wee little scissors that came with my nail care kit and got down to business. After cutting the offending hair I started examining my nose in the mirror. I pushed up the tip of my nose pig-style and to my surprise I found many hairs which I, in my infinite wisdom, thought I would preemptively trim while they were still not long enough to stick out. Let me tell you, there were a lot of them. And I really went to town; I opened my nostrils in various ways and went on a little trimming jag. Feeling particularly proud of my newfound hygiene procedure, I went into my bedroom to grab some clothes and get dressed.
This being the most wonderful time of the year for allergy sufferers, and being one myself, I reached for a paper towel (Kleenexes go to pieces so I gave up on them years ago) and held it up on my nose. From the moment I applied pressure on the sides of my nose I knew I had made a terrible mistake. The stubble of my freshly trimmed nasal hair pressed into the ultra-sensitive skin inside my nose like a thousand hot drill bits. Now, still needing to expel the result of my allergies I blew my nose, which caused the little hairs to vibrate against the aforementioned sensitive skin. Only then did I fully comprehend the gravity of the situation. Not only did it send instant sphincter-puckering pain shooting through my nose and down the back of my neck, but it caused a seemingly endless stream of mucous to cascade out of my nose and tears to flow from my eyes. This went on for a good (great, even) ten minutes, one action invariably causing the other with no end in sight. Finally I stopped blowing my nose and just tearily accepted my fate, letting my nose drain itself out.
**TL;DR** Don't *ever* trim any nose hairs that aren't sticking out of your nostrils.
coochini_martini: Let me add don't ever PLUCK a nose hair because you will cry and curl up in the fetal position.
Source: did this a few years ago by blindly sticking tweezers up my nose and pulling.
Slimjawb: I would *never* attempt to pluck one. *shudders*
mairae: I actually pluck some every now and then. I dont really trim them though, never have em grow long enough except for one which curls magicly out every month or so.
For pain its as bad as you imagine (for me)
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1409343103 | 1409343319 | t3_2ey5jc | t5_2to41 | 5 | BigAlbinoRhino: TIFU by scratching my armpits.
Randombyt3s: You mean... you don't use it for that anyways?
BigAlbinoRhino: Not at the time no
EDIT: I probably shouldn't talk about this on my school computer...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409342408 | 1409344203 | t3_2ey4dk | t5_2to41 | 4 | ItchLikeABitch: Tifu by peeing outside
Ok so I've been on reddit a while now but never actually had an account, this is a throwaway.
It all began yesterday when I went to cut some old pine trees into firewood with my dad, all being well for an hour until I had to pee. Being the farmer type I am I walked a short distance from the trees we were cutting and had a quick pee. Zipped up and went home. This is where I fucked up, I forgot the wood we were in was very damp and boggy and is full of mosquitoes. I'll just say I've been bitten in some bad places but this is the worst ever. I can't even sit still without itching.
TL;DR: Pissed outside, mosquito bites on dick.
Teotwawki69: How did you not notice a mosquito on your junk while you had it in your hands?
ItchLikeABitch: Honestly I couldn't tell you, I realise now it may have been a midge which we have a lot of also. Either way this sucks.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409343291 | 1409403951 | t3_2ey5vd | t5_2to41 | 66 | Ruggiez: TIFU at work.
My fuck up wasn't today, but about 6 months ago. During the winter, I work on the phones at a ski resort in Colorado. My job is to book reservations for everything from rentals and lessons to condos, car rentals, and even restaurant reservations. It's a great job, but it requires a lot of first hand knowledge about the resort as we're also responsible for making recommendations to first time visitors. Combine this with familiarizing yourself with the various computer systems involved in the booking process, and you end up with a pretty steep learning curve; it's easy to get overwhelmed, especially when you're first starting off.
I was just getting into the swing of things during my first few weeks when I get a call from a gentleman (let's call him Jerry. Jerry Hamilton) who had a question about his itinerary. He had booked an entire weeks worth of reservations online and wanted me to look everything over and make sure it was set up correctly. I take a look, and wow! This man has planned out every last detail of his family's trip. He's reserved a 5 star condo for six nights, family ski lessons for the first two days of their visit, a snow mobile tour, discounted rental/lift ticket packages for the entire visit, rental car service to and from Denver Airport, every single thing his family could possibly need during their vacation is wrapped in this one, single itinerary. I run over the details with him, correct a few dates and times, and recommend a restaurant or two. As we're wrapping up, Mr. Hamilton asks about an alert I had never seen before toward the bottom of his confirmation e-mail. The alert is in big, red letters and simply states "UN-REDEEMED." I later learned that this is a very important message, indicating that payment still hasn't been finalized. Essentially, we have taken everything on his reservation and "added it to cart," but we have not yet "checked out." However, I didn't know this at the time. I review my training notes and try and find anything mentioning this alert, but I come up with nothing. There aren't any managers available to ask, and I can't find anything helpful listed in the system's FAQ tab, so I take an educated stab in the dark and tell Mr. Hamilton "That alert is simply telling us that you haven't checked into your room or picked up any of your rentals yet. It's really nothing to worry about; everything on your order is all set!" Big mistake. This man has not confirmed ANYTHING, and yet he thinks everything is all set for him and his family when they fly into Colorado in a few months. So yeah, that's fuck up #1. Let's fast forward to late February to see the fallout.
I show up to work Monday, and we are swamped. The office is understaffed, the resort's rooms and ski lessons are sold out due to most of Texas being on spring break, and phones are ringing off the hook. I mentally prepare myself for a long day and dive in to start answering calls. I notice that I've built up a few voice-mails over the weekend, but there's no time to respond to any of them; they'll have to wait until my lunch break.
A few hours into my shift, someone tries calling me on my direct line. I'm in the middle of a call with someone else, so I let it ring through to my voice-mail. 30 seconds later, the same number calls back on my direct line. I'm still busy, voice-mail. They call back again right away. I realize it must be something important, so I wrap up my call and answer my direct line:
"This is Ruggiez, how can I help you?"
"Well hello, Ruggiez." spits the voice on the other line. Somebody is pissed. "My name is Jerry Hamilton. Remember me?"
"Um, not off-hand sir. I'm sorry, I answer close to a hundred calls a day. How can I help you Mr. H-"
"Yeah, yeah, listen kid. My family and I just flew in from New Hampshire. We had to catch a last minute shuttle ride up to your resort because *apparently* the car rental company at the airport has never heard of us. Now imagine my surprise when we try to check into our room and they tell us that we don't have a room reserved. Two months ago, you told me everything was all set. **What. The hell. HAPPENED.**"
Aaaand it all comes rushing back to me. I remember that I had spoken to this customer back during my second or third week, and I remember telling him that the **UN-REDEEMED** alert was nothing to worry about. I also realized how fucked he is. There are absolutely no rooms left on our resort. Our ski lessons sold out weeks ago. Even the ski rental stores are damn near empty at this point. Because of me, he and his family are stranded thousands of miles from home in the Colorado rocky mountains, during a blizzard, with no place to stay. I try and stammer out an apology, but some how "sorry" just doesn't quite cut.
After enduring a (well deserved) tongue lashing for about 10 minutes, I tell Mr. Hamilton that I'm going to get a manager on the line to try and come up with a solution. I explain the situation to one of my trainers, Dave, and he takes things over. Over the course of about two hours, Dave works with the guy helping him find a hotel room to stay in, finding rental gear and providing free lift tickets for the stay. He asks another trainer, Mike (who used to be a ski instructor), if he can take the next few days out of the office to take the family out for the lessons they had signed up for. Ultimately, Dave manages to get most everything squared away for the family. The room they ended up in wasn't as nice as what they had been expecting, and Mike would only be able to take them out for half day ski lessons instead of full day lessons, but the vacation was saved. What's more, every single item was payed for on the house and taken out of our office's budget, the final total coming up to close to $3500.00. Dave was very understanding about the situation, and tried to take most of the blame seeing as he was the one who had trained me on that particular system, but I still felt like shit. I had a hard time focusing on my calls for the rest of the day. And that leads me to fuck up #2.
Toward the end of my shift, things finally start slowing down. Half an hour before I clock out, I decide to start responding to all the voice-mails I had built up over the weekend. The first message came in on Saturday, and is from a pretty pleasant sounding dude who's getting ready to fly in in a few days and just wants to double check his itinerary and make sure everything is in order. In my head, I've checked out for the day so I'm not paying attention to the name the man left in his message and hit redial:
"*sigh* ...yes?"
"Hello sir, this is Ruggiez from ****** Ski Resort!" I say the most obnoxiously chipper voice I can manage. "I understand that you want double check a few details on your itinerary? :D"
"..Ruggiez?"
"Yes sir! :D"
"...How fucking STUPID are you!?"
D: Oh. Oh no.
"I mean seriously, how did a **NIMROD** like you even land this job in the first place! Tell me, did your mother drop you on your head? Does ****** resort get a tax break by accepting the mentally retarded into their workforce!?"
D,: No no no no no-
"**...Because you have got to be the most daft, incompetent, moronic, brain-dead, dolt I have had the misfortune of exchanging pleasantries with!**"
This goes on for about 12 minutes or so. Things have slowed down enough that my co-workers can hear the string of obscenities blasting from my headset. All eyes in the room are on me, and all I can do is sink down lower and lower into my chair and pray that it will all be over soon. The call ends with:
"**I want you to tell me what exactly was going through that piss-ant brain of yours when you though it would be a good idea to call me back. What, did you forget my name? You forgot my name, didn't you!**"
"Well sir I-"
"**Jerry Hamilton. JERRY FUCKING HAMILTON. I want to hear you SAY IT, Ruggiez. SAY MY FUCKING NAME.**"
"Jerry Hamil-"
"**Jerry FUCKING Hamilton**."
"Jerry fucking hamilton..."
"**That's right. And I don't ever want to hear from you retarded little ass again. I never want to hear from ANYONE named Ruggiez again. If I do, I will blame YOU. Got it?**" *click*
Dead silence in the room. One of my co-workers clears his throat and asks "So um... anyone catch the name of the guy Ruggiez was just talking to?"
"Jerry something, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, Jerry... Fucking Hamilton, that was it!" And everyone cracks up. It's still a running joke to this day.
**TL;DR** Ruined a guys vacation on accident. Proceeded to call him back on his personal cell and mock him about it, also on accident.
TheodoorfromJaffa: Big mistake, but you should've ended the call when he started insulting you.
rattrayc: No, I think Jerry needed that vent session. He probably felt better after
| 3 | 22 | |
1409343097 | 1409348268 | t3_2ey5iw | t5_2to41 | 3 | dontknowhatoputhere: TIFU by doing homework at class.
So there I am, in the chemistry class, doing my math homework, cuz math was the next subject (we have this big homework over the weekend that everybody always talks at Mondays (it was Monday obviously)). Since I sit at the front of the class and don't get much attention (cuz teachers desk is strictly across from the class), I can do my homework without teacher usually noticing me. But no, this time is different at any means. Teacher suddenly asks me "What are we doing?” At first I didn't notice the question, but then he screams it all over the class while walking towards me. And me, looking all puzzled and nervous said “ummmmmm... homework". Teacher looking very disappointed and angry (cuz his classes are like highest rated and he has this thing that all the students look up to him and shiaaat).But then he asks me on normal voice "And when are we doing our homework?"Then me again, looking over the class and getting more nervous, finding out that every single human being looks at my face like dude.... Then my brain just told me like "if we can't do our homework at class, then when will we do it?". Since I was thinking for a quite a long time I had to reply and I exploded "just before the math class during the break" with this real sorry and serious face. Everyone at the class starts laughing at me (including teacher) and there I was like wtf just happened?? After some seconds I realised, what I had just said and started laughing my ass off as well. Turns out that teacher let me finish my homework in peace and I even got an A for it. (Usually he sends the student out of the class or puts him to the corner :D for such behaviour).
PS! Sorry for my really shiity English ( I don't even know if it all makes any sense.. :D)
TL:DR: Doing other homework at class, getting caught, making fun of myself without realising it, winning teachers heart and getting A for the homework.
1) Why I didn't lend someone else’s work then we all have different pages where the questions are.
2) I actually love math and hate chemistry.
3) This isn’t probz the most fkd up story here, but it was so hilarios and awkward at the time .
4) I’m a rookie to all of this reddit thing.
5) Quickly made post
6) First post on reddit (y)
Guitarknowitall: God that was hard to read.
And also this was not a TIFU post.
SpudMonkey68: Couldn't agree with you more.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409343994 | 1409345907 | t3_2ey741 | t5_2to41 | 14 | kellellelly: TIFU by taking a shower.
No throwaway because I've run out of fucks to give these past couple days. I'll keep this short and sweet. Last night I had a panic attack set on by almost getting hit by a car, being told I should be dead by my brother and the same person who almost hit me proceeded to almost kill my cat later on that night. So today I decided a shower would cheer me up and make me feel better. I proceeded to squirt some body wash onto my loofah and lather it all over my body just like I normally would, blissfully unaware and beginning to calm down from the night before. Before I rinsed off I looked down at the peach-colored loofah and to my surprise found a huge spider smashed up undoubtedly from being rubbed all over my ladybits. From then on I've been crying hysterically and scrubbing my body several times over with my hands and I still don't feel clean. I've since climbed back into bed and probably won't be getting out for a while.
lilacseeker: You have marked yourself with its scent. Now you will be recognized as one with the spiders in your house. Embrace them in all their long legged, many eyed sisterhood.
I'm totally kidding. That really sucks and now I am going to be extra careful not to smear the blood of Charlotte's children all over me.
kellellelly: Then all the spiders will flock to my room thinking they're safe with one of their spider sisters. Yay me. Lesson learned, always check your loofah.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1409336662 | 1409352129 | t3_2exumr | t5_2to41 | 5 | RavingGeurilla: TIFU by embarassing myself
My friend and I were home alone and I thought we were still alone so I started moaning sexually and yelled "put it right in my pussy" and his dad was right behind me (I'm a guy)
tehdinozorz: Yes. Can relate.
Asian friend, parents speak pretty good english. In my friends room with him, he says something, I respond "I'll fuck you in the ass, John." Simultaneously his dad walks in carrying a basket of laundry, places it on the ground, and with a smirk says, "You fuck my sons ass?" We all laughed.
RavingGeurilla: At least you could laugh about it .-. My friends parents are super religious and serious so I just made a fool of myself :'(
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409346669 | 1409350129 | t3_2eybo5 | t5_2to41 | 20 | gvgator128: TIFU By letting a pet run loose during my first bj(NSFW)
First of all this did not happen today but 3 years ago when i was still in high school.
I had been dating a girl for a year and a half. Her parents literally never left her alone at the house though which made "progressing" the relationship quite difficult. We had fooled around a bit nothing too serious, and the day finally came when she decided she was ready to give me a blowjob. This was about to be my first one ever so needless to say i was excited. It coincided well with an in-service day so luckily we had the house to ourselves, or so i thought.
We are making out upstairs on her bed, things gradually getting more heated. Clothes gradually coming off etc. She's kissing my chest lower and lower... until she hears a noise downstairs. She starts freaking out thinking maybe her parents came home early. Hurriedly putting on clothes she runs downstairs. I didn't hear anything plus I'm like in 100% bloodflow not to my brain so I just kinda lay there naked on her bed waiting for her to return.
Did I mention my girlfriend had two cats? Both of them were indoor/outdoor cats so the family had decided not to de-claw them in case they needed to defend themselves while not in the house. One of these cats decided it was just about time to use my dick as a scratching post. I'm literally just laying there waiting for her to come back when her cat jumps on my lap and starts clawing at me. Bleeding profusely and screaming profanities i run to the bathroom to bandage myself up. Needless to say the blowjob did not happen that day. or ever. cause we broke up pretty soon after that(for unrelated reasons)
**TLDR; Dated a girl for 1 1/2 years she finally went to give me a blowjob, cat knocked something over downstairs, she went to investigate cat used my dick as a scratching post**
SpudMonkey68: Was anyone there? Or was it just the cats? Because if so you got screwed over bad by those cats!
gvgator128: Edit: just the cats because grammar is hard
BDCanuck: Her and ME and those damn cats. :)
Just pull out all the extra bits of the sentence to make it clear. So in this case, "It was me and those damn cats" is correct, compared to "It was I and those damn cats".
| 4 | 5 | |
1409347497 | 1409353914 | t3_2eyd10 | t5_2to41 | 12 | fragnet: TIFU by trying to bury a dead cat
I was watering some plants in the back yard when I noticed something underneath some big plants. It appeared to be a dead mummified dried up yellowish cat!!! I Saw it with the corner of my eyes and did not want to look at it directly. I was totally grossed out and traumatized. I did not want to look at it or deal with it. Wanted to somehow put it in a trash bag without looking at it. I ended up putting a wire though the top of a white trash bag and I lifted that with a rake so I could keep it wide and hanging so I could drop it on top of the dead cat. I walked over terrified and sick to my stomach. I managed to keep the trash bag in front of me and looking with the corner of my eye. I laid it on top and covered it. The next step was to somehow put a shovel underneath and shovel it into a big trash bag. I decided to push down on the white trash bag with a stick so I could make an outline of the cat so I could know where to slide the shovel. As I pushed down I felt a hard hit. Too hard and heavy to be the cat so I moved a few inches to the left and felt the very hard heave object again. WTF!!! Damn cat is really stiff!!! Then I had to look. It was a damn #^&@$# rock!!! All this drama over a rock!!! Scared the crap out of me!!! I was very happy but felt very stupid!!!!
This is what I saw. It was more covered at the time I saw it.
http://imgur.com/6NCvvsb
Dillage: What kind of plants were you watering?
fragnet: Elephant ear type plant.
| 3 | 4 | |
1409346794 | 1409456540 | t3_2eybv4 | t5_2to41 | 86 | Lazaek: TIFU by finding cute baby bunies! With my lawnmower.
Let the grass in my backyard get too high without a mowing (It's a large lot) and saw some cute baby bunnies hopping through the grass! I looked down by my mower and see a small nest, so I get a strainer & some plant pot to try and catch them, and by now my wife came outside to see what the hell I'm doing scouring grass with this stuff.
So my wife catches the first one, it was just sitting really still in the grass. Soon I see two more jump out into the open area I've already mowed and I catch one of them, but the other disappears somewhere. We looked and looked just about everywhere, and were about to give up when I got down on my hands and knees and found it -dead. Looks like one of us may have stepped on it though it didn't look like it was squashed, just a bloody nose -but dead regardless.
After all of that I finally resume mowing, and of course I end up running over one with the mower that was about half a yard away from where the others were found, and since it was clipped pretty bad I had to take a rock to put it out of It's misery.
So as things are now I have a wife who's crying upstairs, I've just finished washing the baby bunny blood off my hands to type this up, and we're trying to figure out what to do with the two survivors.
**Edit:** We've put the two remaining bunnies back into their nest, covered it a bit with some grass clippings on top & we're leaving them to see how they do overnight.
wapimaskwa: Awww that's sorta sad, baby bunnies think that by staying absolutely still that they would be safe. Unfortunately as you found out, that is not that case. At least you saved two and put the other one out of misery.
Where is momma bunny?
Lazaek: From what I've read the mom will only visit the nest once during the night to feed them, so hopefully they'll still be OK.
BDCanuck: At least she'll come home with dinner for five, and they'll get some extra food after their long day.
I should write children's books.
Landredr: Find someone to illustrate this and write this as a children's book please
patx35: *waits for crazy angry overprotective parent to start suing everyone*
Landredr: I'll buy
| 7 | 12.285714 | |
1409348926 | 1409365388 | t3_2eyfbs | t5_2to41 | 437 | throwaway_in_may: TIFU by both assuming, and missing
I am 18. So I'm home alone, and I decided I'm horny. My parents have a computer that they use for work and stuff that is in the middle of the living room. You see, I assumed that neither of them would be home for at least another hour, and that I had enough time to beat one off at their computer real fast before either of them got home. I open Chrome, open Incognito, and head right for Pornhub. I'm going at it, then after about 30 minutes, I'm "about done". I realize that there is nothing to finish on/in in the immediate vicinity, until I see a plastic bag on the ground. I grab the bag and furiously pump my shaft towards it. Suddenly, the bag slips out of my hand. So, I do the only logical thing.
I cum all over my hands.
I'm thinking, "Shit, this is gross as fuck," so I run, post-cum still on my tip, hands full of cum and pants around my knees, to the bathroom we have downstairs. But that's when it happens.
Mom opens the front door. I'm 6 feet away from the front door.
She looks at me, hands full of cum with my pants down, and screams while running past me. Right to her computer. Where the video is still playing. She screams more and runs upstairs. I don't know what to do. This happened like 10 minutes ago
tl;dr Got horny
BDCanuck: 1. Hahhahahahhahaa!
2. Sorry about your situation.
3. Hahahaa!
4. 30 minutes is a long time! Good on ya, young buck!
5. Most importantly... what did your mom have the misfortune of coming across on the computer?
6. What computer are you redditing from? The one in the living room, just ten minutes later?
[deleted]: 30 minutes is a long time? Geez. Way to make me feel like a porn addict.
BDCanuck: The youths of today need to go outside and play some damn sports or hang around the mall or something!
[deleted]: I climbed trees and shot bb guns. I think my childhood makes up for all that porn.
Right?
[deleted]: Careful, you're never too old to shoot your eye out.
canwegoback: Thinking back on it, I have no idea how my eyes stayed intact when me and my friends had BB gun fights feet away from each other.
| 7 | 62.428571 | |
1409347102 | 1409471697 | t3_2eycdf | t5_2to41 | -2 | NeckbeardSan: TIFU try to impress girl with lobsters
So first things first, understand I am a terrible cook. I can use the oven (kind of) and microwave things. That's it. Now I've been interested in this girl in my class for awhile and she said she likes guys who can cook. Me being a complete idiot and seeing this as a chance tells her that I love cooking and she should come over for a meal. Regret immediately starts to sink in. What have I done, I can't even make a good mac n' cheese and here I'm supposed to make a meal.
Here comes bad decision number dos. I decided with the help of the internet to make lobster. I mean who the hell doesn't look impressive making a fancy ass lobster dinner. So I took a chill chest and bought four of the fattest red plump clackers I could find at the market. I probably looked retarded with a chill chest (who the hell uses these?)
Bad decision number two, found on the net that you can put things inside biscuits to make them fun and unique. Being the suave ass man that I am I decided to put a condom in hers (I mean I was getting lucky right?) Just as I am about to start boiling the lobsters she arrived at my place. I told her I was about to boil them and she got all upset saying that they feel pain and blah blah blah. So I told her they don't feel pain because she obviously doesn't understand the high art known as boiling. So I throw two lobsters into the boiling pot and we go sit in the living room.
We sat down and I presented her with my biscuit. This was my time to shine when she gets the condom, I just knew she would want to get it on. She bites her biscuit and there was nothing in it (fuck). So as not to look weird I take a bite of mine and my mouth is bombarded with a sticky purple goop. I told her it was jelly and played it off like a champion. Gross.
Just as we start some small chat we hear a high pitched screaming from the kitchen. Fuck.... the lobsters. She starts to freak out and I tell her "If you were being boiled alive wouldn't you scream". Shit why the hell did I say something so retarded. She gets really angry at me and then we see smoke coming from the kitchen. I dash in there faster then a father in harlem runs away on fathers day. The pot spilled over onto the other lobsters I had placed in a bag and it caught fire. One of the little shits decided to run across the kitchen and start clipping the hell out of my drapes like some artist. The room is covered in smoke, ash, and lobster. She just gives me the nastiest look. At this point all hell broke loose so might as well go for it, I tell her "Bon Appetit, wanna fuck?" She slapped me really hard and left.
I've been called chef boy-r-dumb ever since by my friends.
TL;DR: I invite a girl for lobsters and create a huge mess, friends call me chef boy-r-dumb now
Openworldgamer47: Well, I think your a fucking idiot for boiling a live animal, and fuck you wholeheartedly. Your a horrible person and I'm glad this all happened to you. You're an ignorant, stupid, self absorbed asshat who doesn't recognize your own fucking half brained idiotic low intellect half shell of a human self. Your a failure of every kind, a direct correlation to the classic American Stereotype and that makes other Americans feel bad.
Die in a hole.
-Jared K
zsxdflip: OHH SHIT GUYS, WE GOT A REAL BADASS OVER HERE! OPENWORLDGAMER47 AKA JARED K IS LOOKING FOR BLOOD!
Openworldgamer47: Fucking idiot.
| 4 | -0.5 | |
1409350280 | 1409353120 | t3_2eyhhq | t5_2to41 | 60 | AdamtheGrim: TIFU by mocking my super awesome math teacher right in front of him
This just happened today. I was walking with two of my friends back to class, and we were talking about what quirks we should put into some freaky, insane asylum cartoon character. One of my math teacher's little habits came up, we got carried away in the joke and we were all laughing about it and making fun of him for it. He passed us up in the hallway right after we did. He didn't act the same way in class, and his little habit was gone. I feel super fucking bad about it, and I'm going to apologize on Tuesday morning.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
BDCanuck: Good on ya. Reading, writing, and responsibility. That's what they teach, right?
AdamtheGrim: I still, and probably will for a while, feel like a colossal asshole.
BDCanuck: I hope this doesn't stick with you for too long. Sometimes I remember things that I've fucked up from years or months past, and I find it helps to just stop everything, sit in complete peace, and almost cleanse your mind of it. Just thinking to yourself "that's too bad, but it's over" can get that anxious feeling to clear. Otherwise, it chews and nibbles at you.
AdamtheGrim: > Just thinking to yourself "that's too bad, but it's over" can get that anxious feeling to clear.
That's actually really good advice. Thank you, I'm gonna try that if I feel this nagging at me after I apologize.
| 5 | 12 | |
1409352948 | 1409626148 | t3_2eylo9 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Fat_Flashings: TIFU by being accidentally racist
So I bought my first pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks this morning. I was really excited about it and talking about how good it was at work. I am a 23 year old white female, and the coworker I was talking to is a black female in her early twenties.
She laughed and shook her head and said, " White people and pumpkin. Ya'll kill me."
I laughed, too.
" Yeah, I guess it's kind of like our watermelon."
The room was silent as I realized what I said. She just stared at me for a minute with her mouth literally open. I started to say a bunch of things, I don't even remember exactly what now, excuses about how that sounded better in my head, etc. She shook her head and left the room.
I know she told other people because people who normally would talk to me at work today didn't, I was basically avoided like the plague. I waited all day to get called into the office but I never did.
I probably will later in the week, if I don't quit first, because I've never been this humiliated in all my life.
I swear to god I'm not racist I just spend too much time on 4chan and don't always think before I speak.
SCP-247: you done goofed
VForceWave: >Yeah, I guess it's kind of like our watermelon
*laughs*
SCP-247: lol
| 4 | 2 | |
1409351285 | 1409388483 | t3_2eyj4e | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not getting a cougar's number
So today I was at work and a customer comes in to buy some cat food. She appears to be in her very late 20's or mid 30's.
At first it's all normal and nothing's awkward, then she starts LAYERING compliment after compliment all over me. She tells me how smart I am and how she can see that I will be successful, how I'm funny and so nice..all this crap that I rarely ever hear.
She tells me about her family and all that jazz and I'm kind of sitting there like "wut?!?!" Because I'm not really sure what the hell is happening.
She ends up leaving and all of my coworkers (even the females) told me she was flirting extremely hard with me and I acted like a completely oblivious wall.
Now I feel like an idiot because she was really attractive and I would have enjoyed a FWB or even a one night stand with that woman. I am highly attracted to older women so I really feel like I missed out on something.
papolatte: Not sure how attached to your job you are, but it's generally advised against to give your number out to customers at most places, if your working.
That said, late 20s is neither a cougar or MILF (necessarily).
TheGamer9371: If she has a kid and is hot MILF age doesn't matter much
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409353732 | 1409361503 | t3_2eymxu | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting my cousin's boyfriend.
Happened a few hours ago.
So my cousin was visiting and we were sitting around the dining room when she mentioned that her boyfriend hadn't texted her today. Me (being someone who usually knows how to do stupid things in a controlled way) thought it would be a great idea to text him.
So I take her phone and start texting her boyfriend saying, and I quote, "Hey, this is Blazer25ace. I'm gonna beat your ass if you be ignoring my n*gga [insert cousin's name]". I show my cousin the text because the whole point was that I wanted to scare her and not actually send it. Once she sees the text, she tries to reach and grab the phone, and I tighten my grip since I was holding it with one hand.
During the struggle, we accidently (I honestly don't know which one of us) sent the text. I immediately feel bad and she's getting scared. So we send him a snapchat to show him it was me and to try to let him know that I wasn't being serious. He ends up calling and I answer trying to apologize and say I was just kidding around. He hangs up without a word and now he and my cousin are just texting each other.
She's telling me that she thinks it's over.
planetpuss666: Save the drama for your momma... can I have the seconds of my life back that I wasted with this post?
Blazer25ace: No, you must live the rest of your life knowing that you wasted precious seconds of your life on this post. I am deeply sorry.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409354406 | 1409356125 | t3_2eynzt | t5_2to41 | 4 | RoyalLlama: TIFU by trying to be a decent fucking sister
This is sort of an ongoing clusterfuck that started a few days back, but I'm posting it now because so many other shitty things are going on that I'm starting to feel borderline homicidal. Now to the story.
So, I have a good laptop right now. I have an older, shittier, but until now, pretty usable laptop that I used to use regularly. Since I'm not a complete asshole, I decided to let my younger sister borrow it since her iPod isn't usable right now. The other day, I open it, and the screen is just fucked up. I took it to someone and they said it might be irreparable.
Now, I know I should've backed it up, and I take full responsibility for that, but this is the second time I've loaned my sister something and she returned it fucked up and claimed it wasn't her. Once I believe could be coincidence. Now I'm just plotting her demise.
And the part that really fucking blows is, I had literally hundreds of characters on there that I was literally about to try and move to my new computer. Fuck this. Fuck me. Fuck my sister. All with the same rusty cucumber.
TL;DR: My sister is a retard that breaks all electronics she touches.
update I'm sure no one will read: I finally got my hands on a monitor to hook it up to, put all my shit on dropbox. Thanks for all the suggestions.
ame111222: Just because the screen is a lost cause doesn't mean the hard drive/data is lost. A good computer repair place should be able to get the data off the drive for you. Not sure where you are located, but I believe Best Buy does this. You'll likely have to purchase an external hard drive for them to put your data onto, but it's a small price to pay for not losing your hard work.
RoyalLlama: I wish. The shape it's in, I hear it would most likely be agonizingly expensive to get the stuff off there, as it's potentially hardware damage.
ame111222: That sucks! I've gotten stuff of that way before doing it myself and hooking it up as an external hard drive. I hate losing stuff and it's even worse when it's because of someone else's stupidity!
| 4 | 1 | |
1409353729 | 1409355474 | t3_2eymxn | t5_2to41 | 11 | paledave: TIFU After a 2 hour train ride, a 1 hour bus ride and a 2 hour hike, I realised that I had left my ticket for Electric Picnic at home...
So it was same back home and it will be the same again tomorrow mourning. I did not realise that I had left it behind until the exact moment that the ticket guy asked me and I realised it was sitting on my work desk at home.
That's what bugs me the most, not once during the journey did I think about where the ticket was and normaly when I'd be double hecking and triple checking that I had it with me.
This does not bode well for the rest of the weekend...
blueghosts: Could be worse, at least you have a ticket. A friend of mine made the journey down to find out he'd been stiffed with a bogey ticket that he'd paid 200 quid for and ended up having to get the bus home because he couldn't manage to get a ticket down there.
paledave: Fuck...
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409354031 | 1409357169 | t3_2eynez | t5_2to41 | 15 | goliegirl2012: TIFU by opening my mouth
I'll keep this short and sweet. My mom gets home from work and says okay I'm going to take a shower. I open my dumbass mouth and say "okay have fun, don't drop the soap". I say this to all my friends when they say they're taking a shower, and I forgot I was talking to my mom. She laughs, stops, looks at me, judges my soul, and walks away, leaving me to contemplate how my whole life has led to this exact moment. So here I am now, hoping maybe she will drop the soap, trip on it, and lose the memory of me opening my fucking mouth.
planetpuss666: You should have told her, "I'll be in, in a moment."
goliegirl2012: Haha are you suggesting incest? Because that is a definite no. Like. Shudder. No
planetpuss666: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?! Incest is best, it's so intense!!!!
goliegirl2012: Hmmmmm not with my mom thanks.
planetpuss666: My mom can play the harmonica with her pussy.
goliegirl2012: Really? She should go in America's got talent
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1409358224 | 1409415256 | t3_2eyti3 | t5_2to41 | 181 | tifuactress: TIFU by forgetting I'm an actress and kicking the director in the nuts.
Throwaway because NDA's and privacy and stuff.
So I'm an actress. You could argue that's my first fuck-up -- not exactly a lucrative career for 99% of us. However, I recently got cast in a decently high-profile supporting role that has the chance to really give my career a boost.
There's just one problem: one of the scenes is a torture scene where my character gets tied up and, well, tortured. Think James Bond or 24. Pretty standard stuff nowadays. The problem? I was tortured and sexually assaulted in my late-teens. The scene makes me incredibly uncomfortable but I figure it was a while ago, I've overcome it, it'll be worth it for my career in the longrun, it's just acting, etc.
Rehearsal yesterday. Seeing the set makes me feel panicked. I'm tied up. Begin to hyperventilate. Scene begins. Cue PTSD flashbacks. I freak out and begin thrashing around, screaming. Everybody thinks I'm just acting. I forget that's what I'm doing. Eventually my bawling becomes unnerving and the director approaches me to ask if I'm okay. I instinctively bicycle kick in his direction and make contact with his nuts.
Not sure if I'm fired or need additional therapy or what. All I know is that I destroyed my director, badly screwed up my wrists, and made everybody on set think I'm emotionally unstable. I also still need to do that scene...
TL;DR: Forgot I'm an actress, freaked out, and kicked director in the balls due to PTSD during torture scene.
ollakolla: I suspect if you level with him and the relevant producers you will be fine. People are very understanding pf that type thing.
tifuactress: The kick to the balls was luckily one of those that are full-on but don't send you to the hospital. He collapsed and coughed a bit on the ground for a while but walked it off soon after. I prefer not telling people about what happened since they tend to treat me differently/ like I'm liable to explode into a collection of Lego blocks at any second once they know.
SecureThruObscure: You kicked the man in the nuts, regardless of what you want, you *assaulted him* and he's owed an apology at minimum and in my book an explanation. By not doing that, you're leaving an actual black mark on your history of working with this man, who's going to walk away from your time together with a bruised scrotum and bad memory. At *minimum* you owe him an private apology and allusion to a personal problem you experienced (saying you had a panic attack should be sufficient, if you're uncomfortable and unable to be explicit).
He may treat you differently, he may not. You may get fired either way. Or, you may get an "I wish you'd have told me sooner, we could come up with an accommodation. I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable." Sometimes, different isn't *worse*, it's just different.
Black people are treated by doctors differently than white people for some conditions, [did you know that](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Race_and_health#Race-based_treatment)? That doesn't mean they're treated *worse*, just differently.
tifuactress: I told him right away that I had a panic attack and apologized haha. Not like I just kicked him in the balls and never spoke to him again. He seemed totally cool with it.
Edit: Still paranoid, though. Also, the entire crew thinks I'm a spaz. Ah well.
SecureThruObscure: That's good. I'm sure he understood that being tied up like that is stressful.
If I may ask, do you have a *professional* agent? Someone really should be your advocate on stage any time you're in a potentially compromising situation, especially if you have a potential for panic attacks.
If you're not capable of telling a director you're uncomfortable because you're gagged or otherwise unable to communicate for a scene, you need a clearly visible (or audible) sign that's known to at least one person (ideally multiple people) *actively looking for it* on set. That's a safety issue, and there's almost certainly something in your contract about that, if not **get a better agent**. If you're unionized, contact a rep, they'll help.
If you're not gagged, but you're uncomfortable for another reason... tell your agent, and if you already have and they haven't made accommodations **get a better agent**. What accommodations? Someone on set who is watching you, who has a predetermined high sign with you and has some idea (doesn't need to be specific) of what happened and if you have any major things that could cause you to lose control.
tl;dr: Your agent should know **anything** that could effect your ability to work. If you agent knows about this, sent you this part anyway and didn't manage to get a personal safety and personal comfort rider inserted into your part, **get a better agent!**
| 6 | 30.166667 | |
1409359159 | 1409453258 | t3_2eyut9 | t5_2to41 | 9,262 | enolja: TIFU: By Smiling at a Girl on the Bus
This happened yesterday, so if you're out there bus girl, I want you to know. It's not what you think.
Yesterday after working a grueling shift at the old internet mines (I'm a network engineer). I got on the bus to go home just like always. Ahead of me in line is a young woman who is looking very pretty, she has red hair and a nice polka-dot blouse. I don't think much of it, but we end up sitting across from each other on the bus. I'm reading something that was on the front page but get the urge to look up and see her face. I had only seen the back of her head before. I glance up and to my delight, she is very pretty! Horray! I have seen one more pretty girl in the world than I did before.
Except mid-glance she looks up at me. I realize I'm probably slack-jawed and not really paying attention. I look down. I don't really know why, I don't have a problem talking to girls. I have a long time girlfriend and I don't talk to very many women these days.
I'm feeling a bit sheepish and awkward, so I glance up again for some reason. A second after I do - she looks up at me and catches me starring at her, or at least she thinks I'm starring at her. She screws up her face a little bit. I'm not even that ugly, oh well. Twice in a row I've been caught slipping.
None of this matters because the mid-way stop at the park-and-ride is coming up, and usually everyone gets off the bus here. She stands up as the bus stops and I breath in relief. I also stand up in search of a more comfortable seat (The bench seats that face each-other kind of suck). So I'm waiting for people to clear out, and people are getting off the bus. But on today of all days MUCH more people are getting on the bus, much more than usually. Must be a football game tonight or something.
She isn't getting off the bus. She sits by the window in a regular seat. I look around - all of the other seats are being filled quickly. I walk to the back of the bus, nothing. I look around, there is nothing. The universe's cruel game of musical chairs is playing "Creep" by Radiohead. I sit down next to her. She looks at me like a deer in the headlights and I think she is actually afraid.
Flash forward 10 minutes and I've moved seats as we are the only two people left on the bus. She is looking over at me regularly, probably making sure I'm not furiously masturbating or something.
Last stop. My stop. Her stop. Our stop.
We get off the bus, she goes first and stars walking in my house's direction. We slowly walk together, for a few blocks, she keeps checking over her shoulder. She finally turns down a side-street and I think maybe I can relax now. I turn down my street. I breath a sigh of relief, finally the coast is clear and I don't feel like I'm stalking anyone.
Then she appears, she clearly took a fake-turn to get away from me, and I met up with her on my road.
She starts running up the steps to MY building and I'm freaking the fuck out like what is happening, am I actually stalking this girl? I keep walking towards my building, I just want to go home.
She turns and yells at me from the stairs "Stop fucking following me fucking creep"
This is how I met my new neighbor.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: Tip: if you're walking behind a girl who's by herself, pull out your phone and text somebody or do something.
duderguydude: Naa, to seem relaxed I just put my hand in my pocket and jingle some change. If you don't have any change just put your hand in your pocket anyway and do the motion of jingling change. Works like a charm to put them at ease.
slimjimjohnson: Lol will do this in future
vaginal_milk: It works better if you place the change on the left side of your pocket and jingle it using your fist in a slow, up and down motion. Even better, leave the change in your pocket, and jingle it from the inside of your pants.
pi1991: What's up with your username
vaginal_milk: Nothing.
pi1991: I have no idea what that means, but.. Is it sexist username?
shit-post: You're a sexist username
pi1991: I do not know what is vaginal milk.
shit-post: You'll learn when you're older.
pi1991: I Google d but I didn't understand.. May I ask you, his old you are?
pi1991: May I ask you how old you are?
*sorry for typo*
vaginal_milk: U are age?
shit-post: How many ages are you tho?
pi1991: 22 I am..
| 16 | 578.875 | |
1409360740 | 1409584881 | t3_2eywxf | t5_2to41 | 126 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a creepy 5th grader
As the title suggests, this happened years ago when I was a mere 10 years old, but it gives people a good laugh so I tell it, despite the cringe I do each time.
So, backstory: I was a relatively weird child. I kept to myself for the most part, and style was lost on me. An example of this would be the fact that I (a girl) wore sweater vests without shirts underneath (much to my family's protest). I'll save you all the fashion don'ts I did and move on. My hair also was pretty ratty. I hated having long hair but I just never got it cut so it was kinda gross. Not dirty gross, just unkempt.
But, unfortunately for me, all the other fifth grade girls (or most I should say) smelled like roses and had beautifully brushed hair, so I obviously couldn't compare (not that I ever really tried).
At the start of fifth grade, relationships became a thing. I was totally unprepared for this transition of how I was supposed to view boys, which led me to be even more of a recluse. But, I got stuck in a group of all boys, so I had to adapt to these changes. It generally went smoothly and there were only minor bumps along the way. After I became more comfortable around boys I began to develop a baby crush on this cute boy I sat across from. I was convinced I was in love, and I knew that I needed him to date me.
He never reciprocated my idea of flirting, but I was not discouraged. One day, I found a locket in my room. I got this wonderful idea to cut a paper with his name in the shape of the heart and put it on one side, and my name on the other side. It was a fool proof plan and he would fall in love on the spot. So I painstakingly put this together and wore the locket to school the next day, with the intentions of showing it to him and professing my love.
When I got there I showed one of my very dearest friends, and she told me to go for it. Perfect. I go up to him and show him my locket and he nods when I ask him if he likes it. Then I open it up. He squints at the little paper and his eyes widen. "Does that say my name?" he asked me, horrified. A couple of his friends snicker. At this point I'm panicking. This is not the reaction I wanted. He is disgusted. I had to think quick. I told him it was my uncles name. "Why would you have a locket with your uncles name in it?" My friend pops up behind me, ready to defend me. "Her uncle died." I didn't want to lie but what else could I do? I nodded my head and frowned. The boy and his friends harsh snickers softened. He apologized. I was in the clear.
Needless to say I am still a little horrified at what I did. But now it is more funny than anything else. I am very fortunate to have outgrown some of that weirdness at least!
tl;dr: tried to profess my love via a heart shaped locket and ended up lying about an uncle I didn't have dying.
A_favorite_rug: I acted creepy in elementary to the 2nd year of middle ruined me until being a sofmore, now when I do it, I do it classy, like the game grumps, or hitler.
Wait...scratch that.
Iwillnotcheck: You were a sophomore?
A_favorite_rug: Thank you.
But you should not of checked.
Iwillnotcheck: Ididnot
A_favorite_rug: Didyou?
Iwillnotcheck: Ididnot because iwillnot
A_favorite_rug: Butwhatyouum
(Headexplodes)
Iwillnotcheck: Unzips
| 9 | 14 | |
1409362391 | 1409363090 | t3_2eyz7r | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU.. by not knowing my friend's mom was in the hospital
I'm an avid reader of reddit, however, this is my first time posting, and I just made this account a few hours ago.
The typical way of starting this off would be mentioning the fact this didn't exactly happen today, which in my case like many others, is true.
To start it off, I'm a female, high school senior. On my second (or third) day of school, my calculus teacher was calling us one by one, asking us if we'd turned in specific forms that she needed. When she got to my friends name, she said that no, she hadn't even turned in one form (there were maybe 4).
At this point, I turn to her and say "Way to go.." (Keep in mind, I've known this friend for years, and although she isn't my best friend, we are pretty good acquaintances)
She then proceeds to say "..my mom's in the hospital"
At that point I felt like absolute shit, as well as an absolute asshole.
Good news: Mother is out. Friend forgot about it, we are good.
Cowcuder: If she is not a best friend then why be so worried.
[deleted]: I'm not worried, I just felt awful
Cowcuder: I mean you cant blame yourself for it if there was no way of you knowing that your friends mom was in the hospital.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1409362599 | 1409365659 | t3_2eyzis | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by second guessing myself on the train.
So there I was, on the subway in Washington, D.C. about noonish or one in the afternoon and here comes this extremely handsome, white guy. He looked about 30ish, short, pretty, black hair and was shuffling through some papers in a manila folder - seemed to be memorizing stuff from the papers while writing on it as well....And there I was - two seats away, staring at him, hoping to get his attention. He glanced my way once or twice but then kept on to what he was doing. I mean not once did he pick up on my "hey, I think you're attractive stare" and I didn't want to go over to him and start talking to him, because he looked like he was fairly into what he was memorizing and writing but then even after he finished with his papers and just sat there, staring at - whatever, I kept giving him stares with a faint, "hey, I think you're attractive" smile and he just either ignored them or was clueless to it....
Then the doubts and second guessing came in - "a girl like you will never be able to get a guy like that" and then I began to feel sad, depressed and get all teary-eyed as he got up and got off the train at Metro Center....It pretty much ruined my entire day and had made me feel very much like a loser.
LORDCOSMOS:
Fuck stories like this
I can totally remember eye-sexing this saucy redhead in Seattle like it was yesterday
LORDCOSMOS:
iirc it was like 12 years ago
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409365368 | 1409406687 | t3_2ez39n | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally peeing off a condom while ejaculating in a prostitute NSFW
yeah..this happened 3 years ago
so im in south america on business. left the office on time, so i do what i always do.. proceed to get drunk in the hotel bar.. after about 4 hours, i see a co-worker ( on a separate work trip)
we move to the pool area, and drink some more beers..
so its about 11pm, i have a flight at 9 am..coworker says lets go see some girls.. im like okay, a club? i'm down for that.
jump in a taxi . apparently the place is 3 minutes away..didnt realise this club is not a dance club or strip club but a brothel..
so we're there.. lots of women , dressed up .. some 7s, and 8s.. no 10s..
well there was a 9, but i didnt speak portuguese so she left.. my coworker latches onto this thick brazillian chick. he offers her to me, but iam like nah.. i'm good.... he then says okay, hes goin upstairs, give him a 30 mins..
no problem.. i;ll just have more beers...
while im there, getting my eyeful, this chick comes up and asks me if i want a massage...
riiight..
quick debate in mind.. havent had sex in like 6 years...dont know anyone around here... fuck it..lets do this...how much for massage?
50 US for 30 mins...
anyhow. we go upstairs.. she was pretty.. enthusiastic.. though since im very drunk, its taking a while to finish.. she's telling me something in spanish, presumably complaining about my whisky dick..
eventually, someone comes and knocks on the door..30 mins up.. pay more or leave.. nah i wanna go to completion..
so i give her another 50.. she then gets up and gives it to the door man.
we're back at it.. im in an out (ha ha) of enjoyin it.. now i just wanna finish and leave..
start to hit her doggystyle, and getting into it.. feel the orgasm building up..ahh , sweet release.. feels so good..
wait a minute.. whats this wet feeling by my knees.. whut.. she looks around, and starts cursing in spanish. i am just as perplexed..piss is everywhere.. condom is not on my dick..
whaat the fuck.. i get sober as a mutherfucker ..
want to get the fuck out...
anyhow..helped her flip the matress, got dressed and gave her an extra 50 and apologised..
she takes the 50 while scowling...
im downstairs, thinking shes gonna come down and shout to everyone that i pissed in her.. i forget my friend and just leave the place..walk down the road aimlessly.
thinking. did i just pick up a disease? what the fuck just happened? is she gonna get pregnant?
walk down the road a bit more.. and i see the hotel. thank christ..i go upstairs.. and take a shower..
epilogue:
this was about 2 am.. have a 7am wake up.. get up around 8 with the weight of the world on my mind re: stds. the expense.the whole scenario.. to top it off, im late for my flight on a rickety old antonov 28 over the amazon..i end up leaving my suitcase in the hotel, and getting a serious diarrhoea cramp during the flight. of course there are no facilities on the plane.. but luckily i didnt shit myself.. landed and practically ran off the plane through immigration, then found a toilet and let out the demon that was in my bowels.. lol
ive had several std tests since then, and thankfully im clean.
**bold** tldr; got drunk, went to a brothel,drank some more.. was so drunk while having sex that i peed after/while i came inside the prostitute and the condom came off.
Krynique: Why are there only two capital letters in this post?
therussianpenguin: now im trying to find the two capital letters
LordFairy: > how much for massage? 50 US for 30 mins...
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1409365622 | 1409440620 | t3_2ez3ke | t5_2to41 | 18 | fastestPig: TIFU by letter my step-daughter use my "porn-browser". [NSFW]
I get home, my back hurts and I'm about to lay down. Step-daughter, age 21, figuring I will fall asleep watching tv asks if she can order her text books right now. I log in to my laptop and hand it to her while I go do something else. I come back and she has her books on the screen at Amazon in the checkout. She leaves while I'm paying for the order when I notice the browser is Safari. I pretty much only use it for porn as the icon is buried at the bottom of the screen and Firefox is up top on the side. Also I have another user account for her mom so everyone else in the house uses that. I quickly erased the browsing history. As it turned out there were complications with the purchase so we were not done browsing yet. But by searching for Amazon, at the letter A, search history below the address window would have shown everything A related, such as Asian tits, Asian pussy, Asian Anal, etc, while in the browser window itself autocomplete would have showed Asiananalabuse.com. I am white and she is black. No Asians in the house, although most of her high school friends were Asian. Not sure what she saw. So far no conversation with my girlfriend. So TIFU by possibly showing my step-daughter I like to look at women who do not look like her mom.
frostyboy500: Aaaaaand thats why we use *Incognito Mode*....
ClownFetishes: Or not be poor as shit and buy a family computer.
| 3 | 6 | |
1409367027 | 1409517223 | t3_2ez5e2 | t5_2to41 | 37 | silly_daniel: TIFU by messaging my roommate on OkCupid
Be me an awkward nerdy 18 year old male.
My roommate "Sarah" is a grad student.
We really don't do anything together. But, I feel that we've been on pretty good terms.
On the day she moved in, which was about a month ago, we went with one of her friends "Jill" to a grocery store together.
Anyways, I found Jill on OkC and messaged her. She messaged back and also said that my roommate is also on OkC, but also "don't tell her I mentioned that".
Lo and behold, the next morning, I go to matches and Sarah is right there. I've visited her profile before, but didn't realize it was her.
We have a pretty high match percent too, 90-something percent.
So, I decided to message her:
"you look pretty familiar :p -- yay we have the same taste in movies".
Anyways, I see Sarah this afternoon in our apartment and she walks out the door and quickly mutters to me "..... it's weird.... on OkC".
I'm not even entirely sure what she said. Then she walked out the door. Later today, I was washing my dishes and she went into the kitchen as well. I looked over and she didn't acknowledge me at all and there was ZERO EYE CONTACT. Literally, she just put something quickly in the micro, walked back into her room, and then quickly went back out to fetch it when it was done. Typically, we'd just make small-talk.
I really don't know what to say.
I'm not interested in either beyond friends.
TL;DR:
I messaged my roommate on OkC to try to be friendly, but she ended up calling me 'weird' --- now she's ignoring me.
Teotwawki69: > I'm not interested in either beyond friends.
This is the part you have to tell her -- that OKC tried to match you up and you just sent the message because you figured she'd find it ridiculous, too.
Or you can both just stew in silence and cease being friends and roommates. The ball is in your court. Man up and explain.
silly_daniel: Yes, I certainly will have to talk to her. But, not tonight. That would be even more awkward.
Dak_ray: Hey OP let us know what your roommate says!
Crimsonfoxy: Seconded, make sure you update us on how the next conversation goes.
I do wonder sometimes it we want updates for closure or we're justing hoping for another TIFU.
Dak_ray: We won't ever know...thanks a lot OP
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1409368642 | 1409368944 | t3_2ez7fa | t5_2to41 | 28 | comcast-fa-throwaway: TIFU by making a false advertising claim against Comcast
Throwaway just in case.
A couple of weeks ago I made a false advertising claim to the FCC against Comcast for their "fastest in-home WiFi" bullshit. Fast forward to today. A representative from Comcast calls and leaves a message on my parents home phone. I don't even think about it. My mom listens to it and flips shit. She heard the word "FCC" and immediately assumed it was something illegal that I'd done (I don't have a clue why). She told my dad, and noe he thinks I did something illegal too. When I try to explain what I did, she doesn't believe me and just acts like I committed a crime against the government. She is now giving me the silent treatment.
Not the worst fuck up, but thought I'd share.
TL;DR: Don't put the home phone number in an FCC claim unless you want to feel like a fugitive.
timawesomeness: Your parents sound clueless.
comcast-fa-throwaway: Yep :)
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1409372167 | 1409431175 | t3_2ezbqb | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping a bag of coke in front of a coworker.
Not sure what else to say.
Was at the bar, with other coworkers (who partake) when one of the engineers stopped in. I pull my phone out of my pocket, and he says "arn, you dropped something" pointing at a little ziplock bag with white powder, at my feet. I pick it up, stuff it back in my pocket and continue talking like nothing happened... but a couple of my coworkers realize what happened and walk away rapidly -- "oh shit, I gotta go" kind of deal -- making it that much more awkward and probably noticeable. I have no clue whether the guy got a good look at it, knew what it was or would have cared if he did... guess I'll find out soon...
RizzMustbolt: Why would you put coke in a bag? Just leave it in the can.
vastila: He's talking about dehydrated coke.
N_Howl: This comment is better than most.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1409372087 | 1409410866 | t3_2ezbm6 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by fingering a girl at lunch [NSFW]
TIFU- This happened 5 years ago when i was a freashmen in high school. It all started in an AIM chatroom with my best friend which he will be called “S", and our friend female friend which i will call “L”. We were all really close friends, and this was a group or horny teenagers looking to do some crazy things.
So as you can imagine, when I was in high school i was a horny little child like most of us. And In this Aim chatroom we came up with this crazy idea to do something “Sexual” in school. When this was discussed online I was all for it, being behind a screen and I never really imagined that i would actually be doing anything. But somehow we came up with the idea of each of us fingering this girl during lunch in school.
Now I have no idea how this idea was created or why I even agreed to do it, but for some reason I said lets go and the plan was in action. And the next day when S, L, and me showed up to the lunch table we all looked at each other, and S and L started messing abound.
First off let me say that it wasn’t like we were eating while this was going on, but still, it was pretty gross. Anyways, they go at it and finish and by the time they were done everyone at the table pretty much knew what was going on. Even though they knew, they wouldn’t say anything because we were all cool with each other; except many a few of them. Never the less, I was pretty sure that nobody would say anything, so I let her take my had and slide right it up her little pink skirt.
WOW, so that’s what it feels like? At first I was extremely nervous, because I had never done anything close to this dirty before. But as when I started working on it down there, she started to whisper in my ear “Now where is that big dick of yours?” while sticking her hand in my pocket feeling for my dick.
At this point i was reeeealllly nervous about the whole thing that i didn’t even have a boner! So as soon as she started getting all sexy on me I felt like I needed to step it up to show here that i was really getting into it as much as she was. So being the dumb inexperienced 14 year old I was I started thrusting in and out really fast, thinking that it would be more pleasurable for her(which is isn’t). And as soon as that happened she put her thigh onto of mine. And as you can imagine, as soon as she put her thigh up onto of mine it was all up there, and it was practically impossible to miss.
Being in the moment i had no idea what i was doing, and by the time i finished everyone at the table was staring at me, giving me a look like “wow”. My friend S looked over to me and said “Dang dude you were really going to town there weren’t you, lol”. After he said that I got really nervous thinking “was it that obvious?” , but sure enough it was. Almost immediately after we stopped doing our thing a few up girls walked by saying “You guys are disgusting”, and other things along those lines.
This is where the whole thing gets out of hand. Before i know it everyone in the cafeteria knew what happened, and guys were walking past me in the hallway saying things like “Niiiicccee” and girls calling me “Gross” and other things along those lines. In my next period i was getting texts from people i didn’t even know asking about it and such. Before that I never knew how fast rumors traveled, and it probably didn’t help that this one was true.
By the end of the whole thing me and this girl were called into the administration office a few days later and were asked about the whole situation and if it was true, and we lied our asses off. I held strong, and the girl even fake cried, and we made it out clean. The assistant principal even told me that he found out that all the teachers were talking about it, and that some were even telling others in church, like wtf? I was also given the name dirty dedos by a few upperclassmen in spanish class right in front of our profe, which means “dirty fingers” in spanish.
But in the end we got away with everything, didn’t get in trouble, and it has been awkward between us ever since. For the rest of that year that was all i could think about, and knew thats what everyone thought of me. But after time that all went away and everything was alright.
**TL;DR: I fingered a girl during lunch and everyone in the school found out within an hour, including teachers, and I ended up with the nickname “Dirty Dedos”(spanish for dirty fingers)**
If you read this whole thing I applaud you, and thank you for your time.
hicut: Why is Dirty Dedos not your reddit username?
JerkinJosh: i kind of blocked out all that stuff and forgot, but i honestly kind of wish i did this now
hicut: Be proud and embrace all the fucked up, embarrassing shit you did as a kid mate. Its one hell of an icebreaker hahah
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1409372896 | 1409618865 | t3_2ezcln | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught smelling my finger
Today I made up my mind that I was gonna go down on my girlfriend for the first time. I finger her for a good while then decide its time, but first I decide to participate in the finger stink check (the first time I ever fingered her I fucked up by telling her that vaginas smell weird). She caught me trying to sneak a little sniff and now she's self-councious about the way her vagina smells and won't let me go down on her.
MasterSpar: There is nothing quite like the scent of a horny girls juices. The scent is often diffetent and that's part if the fun too.
Just tell her you like it and you've been so curious about her in that way too.
Holzfallr: You scare us
MasterSpar: That's a strange response to simply enjoying the healthy scent of a girl/woman. Each to their own :)
Holzfallr: Sure, but how long until you're identifying perfumes and eating livers with fava beans?
| 5 | 9 | |
1409373782 | 1409400953 | t3_2ezdl8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | underground_pilot: TIFU by calling out a girls boob job *cringe warning*
Over a decade ago when I was in my sexual and irresponsible prime.. Dated a girl for a few months, she was really sweet but I crashed and burned early on and never made a full recovery.
Friends introduce us. My friend tells me upfront that she's a virgin, then begins to tell me all about her. While going over facts he makes mention of the fact that she had enormous tits in high school. So much so that they gave her back pains, etc I mean really top heavy and that's nothing to play with. So she had some surgery and brought them down to a B. A strong B. I've seen Bs and these were C+. C++ for you coders out there.
Anywhoo, after a week, we're on the phone and she says "I know (your friend) told you something about me, what was it? ". I make humor, beat around the bush a while. But after her pressure I say yes, he did, but it doesn't matter to me.
She starts getting very sensuously funny but persistent to find out what it was. I deflect more.
Finally after about 10 mins of deflection and her obvious desire to know, she finally says one last time, tell me!! I won't be mad!!.
"ok! He said you had your breasts reduced in size."
Total loss of cabin pressure. I knew it as soon as I said it. "fuck brad!" was the only thought in my head.
"I wasn't supposed to know that was I? You were talking about being virgin weren't you?"
Silence. Crazy silence. The the sound of tears. she made a half hearted attempt at not being mad and we were off the phone seconds later. Next day I saw my friend. His face went red when I told him .
Just my luck I guess. I mean he told. She asked, I just should've known better.
slimjimjohnson: You didn't do anything wrong. I'm curious why that upset her. Is breast reduction surgery looked at as bad? I thought it was a good thing to avoid back problems.
underground_pilot: I think it was the confidence breach that fucked her up. She had no clue I knew so my answer was a blindside. Nothing was ever said to judge such an operation.
slimjimjohnson: That sucks :/
She should be mad at dude though, not you.
underground_pilot: Yeah, she was, we actually dated for a little while after, and like I said, they were C's.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1409373447 | 1409453526 | t3_2ezd8b | t5_2to41 | 88 | 409IsTheBestDessert: TIFU by agreeing to a bunny play date
My friend and I both have male bunnies and she brought hers over for a play date today. Simply put, her bunny analy raped my bunny and its forever unclean.
alidra47: maybe yours is actually a girl bunny and now you are going to have baby bunnies.
409IsTheBestDessert: Its most deffiantly a boy.
OrionGaming: definitely
409IsTheBestDessert: Eh you're probably correct
| 5 | 17.6 | |
1409379124 | 1409495521 | t3_2ezj8t | t5_2to41 | 726 | [deleted]: TIFU by not going to the girls restroom
For background, I'm a guy who's 16 and I have PE with a girl who's been flirting with me. She's the cheerleader captain and is in my grade (junior). We'll call her Zoey. In our PE class we have units and switch every month. This month we have physical fitness (stair climbers and treadmills in one room, weight lifting machines in another, and another with a water fountain, a boys restroom, and a girls bathroom in the last one).
This is where my fuck up is. I'm benching and get tired so I go get up to go to the water fountain. As I'm drinking the water, I see Zoey come from the girls restroom. We both say hi and she asks if I want to join her in the girls restroom(barley anyone goes to the rest since it's only like 30 people in the class). You know what I say? "I'm a guy, so I can't go in there" and then I walk away.
TL;DR I walked away from getting my virginity taken away.
tfyuhjnbgf: Or you know charged with something stupid when you got found out and someone's parent makes a fuss.
jomarez: worth it
ClownFetishes: How ugly must you be. That or you're just a pussy who doesn't know how to talk to girls.
theDanman96: You are a very mean individual.
ClownFetishes: you sound like a bigger bitch than /u/jomarez
theDanman96: See now this is probably the moment you expect me to go off on you calling you terrible terrible things... and I do want to fulfill your expectations... I really do. But today, im going to take the high road and be a man. Im not go I to even waste my time on *something* like you. Good day to you sir.
ClownFetishes: > and I do want to fulfill your expectations... I really do
can you imagine a bigger pussy than yourself?
>Good day to you sir.
don't forget your fedora
theDanman96: Are you on reddit just to start shit with people? I really dont get it? Go out into the real world and get some fresh air. Punk ass bitch.
ClownFetishes: I just came back to sleep. What's your excuse? Mom was making Mac and Cheese?
theDanman96: Naw your girlfriend was over for a bit ; )
| 11 | 66 | |
1409380263 | 1409746457 | t3_2ezkay | t5_2to41 | 35 | icecadavers: TIFU by forgetting I was in public [NSFW]
Let me preface this by saying that I am a naturally loud person. Pair that with the fact that I work in a loud environment and also lose control of my volume when I get excited about something and ultimately I can land myself in some embarrassing situations. Today, however, I straight up wanted to die.
I went out to eat with some friends from work. I wouldn't call it explicitly a family restaurant, but definitely family friendly. Now, we're a pretty nsfw bunch in general, but we know to be aware of our surroundings and at least keep from being too loud. Usually.
Somehow the conversation came to pranks we pulled on each other. One friend was describing how he had expertly sneaked onto another's laptop and replaced his desktop background with gay porn while the other was out of the room, and how this guy didn't notice until arguably the worst time one could notice an upside-down deepthroat. He went on to tell how he had to furiously scroll past innocuous images on the internet to find the one he ultimately used, and everyone was laughing at his inability to find porn on the internet.
In that moment, I was struck with a flash of brilliance. I knew the picture he should have used. I knew he had seen it. I knew he could find it. Leaning back in my chair, I announced "YOU COULDN'T FIND GAY PORN? YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST USED THAT CREEPY PICTURE OF A NAKED DUDE SPOONING ICE CREAM ONTO HIS DICK!"
I realized too late that about halfway into that sentence, my surroundings had become significantly lower in volume. My friends around the table had shut their mouths. One had a hand over his mouth, and as the stream of obscenity ceased spilling from my own mouth, he half-pointed to the empty space behind me.
Still piecing things together, I turned slowly to peek over my shoulder at the table directly behind me - three kids far too young to learn about the strange fetishes you can find online, and two pleasant suburban parents with a most unpleasant look on their faces.
I quickly turned back to the table, and as I caught others around the room - families, even servers, glancing sidelong in my direction, my friends all burst into raucous laughter and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I've made some awkwardly loud comments before, but never before have I possibly offended so many people face-to-face as then.
**tl;dr** loudly described [yogurt-dick](http://i.imgur.com/tXenth5.jpg) to a crowded restaurant full of children and their well-to-do parents
Boggaz: this shit runs in my family. I'm not gay but i do stand up for gay rights. my friends and i were in the schoolyard a while back and we got onto the subject of real life lesbians. now I was about to start a speech about how different people within society view lesbians and the damaging effects this has. I started with "now when you think of lesbians, you probably think of something you've seen in a porno."
stop right there, everyone dead silent, looking over my shoulder. I turn my head while simultaneously collapsing from embarrassment to see a teacher. mid fifties, no-nonsense. Out of the pure cruelty of her heart she just let me lie there with my face in my hands for a few seconds before walking off silently (with what i imagine as a little smile) while five or six of my closest friends stood laughing their asses off at me.
Vaulttechceo: Literally has nothing to do with the fu.
Boggaz: i said something loudly where somebody i didn't mean to hear it did (same thing happened to op). did you downvote that? seems a little harsh but ok
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1409380901 | 1409422873 | t3_2ezkvd | t5_2to41 | 228 | Whatd-I-Miss: TIFU by sending my gf a hot picture of herself.
I am staying with my girlfriend at her apartment. It is kinda late, so we are just lounging around on her bed with the tv on. We are drinking, and are dressed comfortably. I am wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt, while she is wearing athletic shorts and a sports bra.
My girlfriend is self-conscious, and doesn't like to see pictures of herself. For fun, I quickly snap a picture of her and send it to her phone. I then mention that she may want to check her phone, but, when she does, she doesn't understand what I did. I look at her phone and, sure enough, she hasn't received any messages from me.
I check my phone to see whats going on, and realize that I have just done wrong; the message was not sent to my girlfriend ("Gina Jones"). It was sent to her dad ("Mark Jones"). My heart plummets.
I blurt out "Oh fuck... I sent your dad the picture." Her eyes widen and she goes "What picture?" I show her the picture, and she flips out. The picture is taken from between her legs, looking right up at her with a full view of her crotch, covered merely by the thin Nike shorts she is wearing. Her top is covered only by the sports bra.
My immediate reaction is to delete the whole conversation with her dad, as if my inability to see it means that the problem has resolved itself. Then I go into damage-control mode, and I send a follow up message to her dad, "went out running with your daughter, she needs to get in better shape," hoping that somehow this joke will save me from the coming retribution.
He is likely asleep, so I am left pondering my fate.
**TL;DR** - I sent a raunchy photo of my girlfriend to her dad.
**EDIT:** twelve hours since message was sent. No word from him yet. Likely just the quiet before the storm.
**EDIT 2:** there is some debate about my exercise comment and, looking back, it sounds worse than it is. In reality, I have been friends with my girlfriend and her family since I was five years old. Me and her dad are (or, were) especially close, and a joke about exercising wouldnt likely be an issue. Obviously, I havent tested that when the comment follows a really inappropriate picture
therussianpenguin: just go to his house steal his phone delete the conversation
:3
Whatd-I-Miss: They are six hours away and at a lakehouse to which we do not have a key. Believe me if i thought it could help i would have flown over there.
therussianpenguin: btw show us the pic you sent to him :3
.. so i can feel the feel you are feeling purposes
mag00ber: For science
a_drunken_monkey: I was gonna fap to it but hey, whatever works for you man
| 6 | 38 | |
1409380224 | 1409384479 | t3_2ezk9m | t5_2to41 | 5 | Thatmicrothrowaway: TIFU by spending my parents bank account on microtransactions
So let me start off with while english is my primary language im a bit shaken at the moment and english is my worst subject. To set a little back story on this i have a bit of depression and i am/had an awful time in high school i am 18 years old (starting today yay). Now i wont say the name of this game but lets just say you can get sucked down pretty quickly in how much you pay without realizing it. I was able to pretty much spend all of this by memorizing my parents credit card (i know wish i had shitty memory) I should also notice my dad is a pretty messy person and hardly keeps track of things. I should also say we are not broke, and this is just feels like a death sent.
So as i found the joys of computer gaming at about 14 years of age i found a game i loved to play. I would come home and play it constantly. I come to find out that i didnt have some of the perks the others i saw. So i had the bright idea of oh hey i can use my dads credit card and he wont notice, so i put it in and used it. Come the next few days i was worried if my dad noticed i spent money, he had no clue idea. Thats when the floodgates broke i spent money on everything from new games to micro-transactions.
Fast forward to a year later and i had went nuts on month and spent over 400 usd on the same game i first spent money on with micro-transactions. This time it was too much and my dad did notice this. He wasnt extremely upset but he was severely disappointed in me asking why i did this, i just said cause i wanted cool things. This however did not stop me for whatever reason but it did slow my spending spree down a bit.
Now we come to the summer of 2014, this would be the worst summer of my life. I was in the middle of a very bad i guess you could say spell of depression, and since june i had not touched this game for a year. So i decided to start it up to see how it was going on. This was a mistake i got sucked back in full force, at first it was ill just play the game to have fun. This would not happen with all of the new shit that had been added i quickly racked up 300 dollars in june alone, but i did not get caught. This was a clear for me thinking id be fine, i spent probably at least 115 a week in july to buy things. Now i should say this buying spree was not out of need of looking cool to an extent, i have had shitty irl friends for all of my life friends who werent really my friends. But whenever i got something new people would be like wow! that looks amazing and compliment me telling me things that made me feel good. i even gained people on the internet from doing this who were cool people and filled the void i needed for some type of true friend. Little did i realize getting a new item made me feel amazing on the inside so in the month of august i went nuts spending up to 1500 usd on this month alone, i knew my dad would find out but at the time i didnt care i just wanted instant satisfaction.
Now we come to this week, i decided spending a little more couldnt hurt. Go to put in credit card information *Card has been declined due to insufficient fund* i fucked up big time. Now im panicking for the next few days about how this will all go down, but i think oh if my dad doesnt buy anything in the next few days he wont notice. Come to the day before my birthday and he tells me about this whole big plan for my birthday, i now realize im more than fucked no way out. Since my dad says want me to get food, i was like fuck it may as well just accept my fate coming to me. Now my dad is a night person so he went already after the bank had closed so i thought oh hey it will be fine no issue. 2 hours go by and im having a heart attack of what might be happening. My dad comes home furious that they had not accepted his card. Thank god they did not have anyone who could tell him what the issue was, but i feel even worse since he had over 100 dollars worth of groceries and they had to punch out all of what he had gotten. He came home I was freaking out and trying to hold it all in, but my dad is one of the best people in the world he didnt accuse me even though he caught me in the past and he even saw me worried and chilled out and became a happy mood. I am full of grim at the moment i had felt i had to post this.
aaronkb13: What game?
Mistah_Fahrenheit: What game would be so sick to let you pend $2k on microtransactions?
xScorchx: League of Legends................
Thatmicrothrowaway: Not including the transaction of these past three months, since s2 ive probably spent 500 us on that game also.
Openworldgamer47: .....
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1409380717 | 1409384974 | t3_2ezkp1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | iAmBobbus: TIFU by not tightening my friends lugnuts
Tl;Dr : TIFU by forgetting to tighten my friends lug nuts after I changed his cars' brakes while he drove for 20 miles.
Today I got a call from a friend asking if I could change his brakes on his car for him. So he rolls over to my house and his brake pads are digging into his rotors. He had already bought the new pads and rotors. And so I get to work while he helps a little bit. We get to a stage where the brake caliper wouldn't fit into the new rotor and pads because the cylinder in the caliper was not all the way in its bore. So about 30 minutes go by trying to press the cylinder back in. The sun is beating down on us and I'm profusely sweating.
After a couple minutes of getting the calipers mounted on and tightened. We were finally ready to put the wheels back on. So in a bit of a hurry since my friend had to go to work and called in saying he was gonna be 30 minutes late, I go ahead and put the wheels back and hand tightened the lug nuts.
With the lugs hand tightened and sweat rolling down my eyes. I hurry and bring the car back down off jack stands. When the car is back on the ground, my friend jumps in and tests the brakes. He says they work a lot better now, and I tell him to slam on the brakes while going 20 miles per hour. Brakes do well and he goes off to work. He works at papa johns, and thankfully he wasn't delivering today.
With the job done I go ahead and say good bye and put my tools away. At this time it hadn't occurred to me that i didn't tighten his lugs.
Glad that I'm not working in the sun anymore, I decide to go to my pool since I was supposed to meet people at a beach but when I called, they were already leaving. The job had taken 2 and half hours from when I was about to leave for the beach. I spend about an hour at the poll and get pretty tired. So I head home and go to sleep.
About 8 hours later at 1am. I wake up to the same friend calling me along with 4 missed calls from him. I answer and he tells me his car shakes a bit when he is driving or cruising. But not when he is braking. So I think it may be the 2 screws that hold the rotors onto the hubs since we had hop in my car and get the tool to remove them and I thought it wasn't tightened enough. And I told him that that would be the first thing tomorrow. After the phone call I lay back down to go back to sleep. I go through my head of the whole process of changing his brakes. And then it dawned upon me. We didn't tighten his lugs after. I put the car back on the ground.
So I called him back and apologized. He says not to worry, but in the time that I had been asleep. He had driven about 20 miles. I say I could come over and tighten them for him, but he said he could do it himself. I head over to him where he is hanging with 2 of our friends and he tells me the lugs were scorching hot. And as he was tightening them with the cross bar that comes with the car, it was getting hot. He test drives it and then shaking is gone. I'm surprised his wheels didn't come off because he told me where he went and those local roads have a good amount of speed bumps and holes in the street. Well he is alive and his car has new brakes. And I have this memory of doing a shitty job because of lug nuts.
Blue_Oval: You could've killed the poor guy. Always double check your work. A few extra minutes is worth a life.
Byrdboy: Seriously. OP you could've taken another 2 minutes to tighten his nuts (huehuehuehue).
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409384402 | 1409384938 | t3_2eznu6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | carrote: TIFU trying to give my girlfriend over facetime
It was late at night while my girlfriend and I were studying together on facetime. She was stressing out about her work that was due so I thought it'd cute and comforting if I sent her a kiss over facetime. As I leaned in closer towards the camera to give her a smoochie smoochie, I totally forgot about the pimple that had popped out of nowhere above my lip and under my nose. I was then laughed at by her when she saw the pimple.. ;-; at least I made her laugh?
TL;DR girlfriend laughed at my pimple.
limsyoker: The power of retina display makes sure she sees it crystal clear. Congrats!
carrote: FANTASTIC
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409384420 | 1409388721 | t3_2eznuu | t5_2to41 | 2 | Kitsune_San: TIFU by trying to be honest (little league of legends context)
So, fuck up was from yesterday, but all of this started like 3 or 4 days ago. I'm League of Legends player who wants to have fun playing games (mostly ranked games) with normal people. I thought i had managed to find a normal person. Until yesterday. Everything seemed normal, we started a game and all was good. In first minutes of the match he said "I am <something>" I ignored it mostly because we had a troll in the game and I needed to play not favorable lane with totally wrong champion, and mostly because lot's of people are saying things like this. Then about 10 minutes later he jumps up with question about my real name. Here's the catch - I don't like my real name and I prefer to people calling me by my nickname. So, I said truthfully that there is "no way in hell" that I will say him my name. (Also, I said it a little jokingly because we were like that, sometimes he called me a cocky bastard because of what I did, and sometimes I called him a bastard too, all in playfully manner). About 25 minutes later when we were practically winning the game he said to me "I am sad now and I think I will delete you from my friends list". I didn't really knew what was that about and tried to speak to him after via private chat (all of this was during the game so the chat was on 5 people total). I managed to speak to him and he said, that what he said earlier was his real name and he wanted to be polite. And I rudely threw away his good intentions, so he feels sad. I said I won't hold him and personally deleted him after this. Funny thing is, that on 7 played games together, we had 7 wins.
TL;DR: Guy said his name, i missed it/didn't paid much mind, didn't wanted to tell him my name, he deleted me because of this.
TheAzianMan: Why didn't you tell him your nickname instead?
Kitsune_San: I told him, that I prefer to call me by my nickname, which is Kitsune.
TheGwolo: whatthefuckamireading
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1409385388 | 1409401150 | t3_2ezoly | t5_2to41 | 13 | MarathonCon: TIFU By talking about reddit at school
So everybody was normal, the three involved I shall call Burns, Eales and Taylor. So we were using the iPad to see the geography of countries we want to live in. Burns says "I want to live in the porn house", I say "Well look at some houses on HousePorn" and as I was saying that the teacher walks up to me and he had heard everything I just said. Then Burns took full advantage of this(We're not on good terms) he jumped up and lied saying that I was saying stuff of a sexual nature and my teacher takes me to the office and I am suspended for two days. Eales and Taylor then told my teacher that I was "inappropriately touching" a girl. This girl is my little sister and she hugged me, I am now suspended for ten days for sexual abuse.
TL;DR
A person talks about living in a porn house and I reference house porn. Suspended for two days and I got suspended for ten days because my sister hugged me.
[deleted]: Well that's kind of ridiculous. I wouldn't call this a fuck-up; I'd call it a complete overreaction on behalf of the school. You didn't do anything wrong.
MarathonCon: But I fucked up by mentioning HousePorn while a teacher was there.
auz_juzz: So what? Unless you're <13 or you go to some seriously religious school or something, there's nothing wrong with talking about porn. Plus the fact the teachers didn't asked you or your sister about the "inappropriate touching" means that the extension of the suspension is completely unjustified and based on hearsay. Speak to the teacher about the porn part, just apologise and say you didn't realise it was so bad to talk about it. And then get them to speak to your sister too.
It shouldn't be too hard to clear this all up
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1409380838 | 1409477385 | t3_2ezkt0 | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to get a Ke$ha song out of my head.
I'm a merchandiser so I look after 50 - 70 different stores that carry my companys products. I have quite a bit of freedom when it comes to my displays.
A fortnight ago I had a Ke$ha song stuck in my head, the one where the [music video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFWX0hWCbng) has unicorns being shot by lasers and bleeding rainbows. *IT JUST KEPT PLAYING OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD FOR HOURS OH MY GOD*. So, in an effort to get it all out, I gained permission from a store to decorate their windows to advertise one of our large music docks. I got a shit tonne of rainbow coloured window chalk and did a large design that listed a few different selling points of the dock. I then drew a large [speaker silhouette](http://thumb7.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/169/114111835/stock-vector-bullhorn-or-megaphone-symbol-114111835.jpg) next to it and made the sound waves/lines coming out wrap around the words and window so it looked like the written selling points were being shouted from the speaker.
When I finished, I thought it was the stupidest thing I'd ever drawn. It was in five different colours and the sound waves were inspired by the rainbow beams coming out of the unicorns. I'd sketched my companys brand name in unicorn white. Because that specific store was not known for caring about their appearance, I left it. The song did not bother me again so it worked and I forgot the whole thing.
2 days ago my boss called me. Apparently the buyer for that stores company had done a surprise visit to that branch and he loved the window. He had contacted my company to find out who did it. He decided to make an official roll out to all of his stores where they would use the same design on their front windows.
That company has 61 stores in my small country. 17 of those are in the region I cover. Now every time I walk past one of those stores that fucking song is going to get stuck in my head *AGAIN* and nobody knows it was inspired by Ke$ha, unicorns and rainbows.
Crimsonfoxy: Don't you just **hate** it when you make an impulsive decision that gets brilliant recognition and gets implemented across the company?
No pain, no gain I guess.
[deleted]: I'm not happy about it because it wasn't my best work. Also the annoying song repeat thing. That buyer was the only person who liked it that much, nobody else complimented it. If I'd had to choose a design to be recognised for it wouldn't be that one because I personally find it quite silly. I know it's my fault for doing it but I just don't want something that silly and impulsive associated with me on such a large scale. When I first made it I thought it was a design that would stay up for just a few days in a quiet store.
Crimsonfoxy: Okay fair enough, there is always the battle with what actually looks good and what a client thinks look good! :p
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1409387576 | 1409388924 | t3_2ezq7x | t5_2to41 | 9 | babynecro: TIFU by wanting to go to Ireland
Much like a lot of these, this didn't actually happen today, but a year ago.
I used to frequent this hookah lounge in my town pretty regularly, enough to know all the waitresses, then I left for a job. On one of the occasions of my monthly returns one of the waitresses, particularly the one upon whom I had had a major crush, decided to give me her number un-provoked and I was, needless to say, ecstatic.
Fast forward a week and we'd been texting a bit, getting to know each other, when I decide to ask her what her dreams were. She said she wanted to go to Ireland. Fair enough. I'd never been there and I'd always wanted to go so I told her I'd love to go there.
When she replied, and it took her less than a minute, it was cryptic. She said something to the effect of "well somebody's being hopeful" and instinctively I replied, perhaps for fear of her thinking I was a creep or something, that I had not meant it to come out like that. However, the damage was done. We stopped talking and a quite a few months later I find out she's started dating someone else.
I actually ran into her today at the same hookah lounge of all places (she'd quit a long time ago and was just visiting), which is why I'm leaving this with you now, dear Reddit. She greeted me like an acquaintance, the typical "hey! how are you?"
And so I am forever destined to wonder what would have happened if I had never wanted to go to Ireland.
DJ_Captain_Spinz: She was being pretty presumptuous if she automatically assumed you meant you'd love to go with her, i dont understand how that could've ruined things had you explained.
Unless you said "oh God, i didn't mean I'd ever want to go with *you*"
babynecro: well see after i said that she said something like "it's refreshing to meet someone with such high hopes" and i may or may not have completely fucked it up by jokingly replying "well then in that case let's go haha"
| 3 | 3 | |
1409385754 | 1409389637 | t3_2ezowh | t5_2to41 | 18 | f0rscienceyoumonster: TIFU by almost beating my parents' friend with a broom
this happened last year, but nonetheless, it's probably my favorite fuck up to this day.
it was the day before thanksgiving 2013, and my parents thought it would be a good time to go get some last minute foodstuffs for dinner the next day. they leave me (18 at the time) and my younger brother (16 at the time) home alone, as usual, and set out for the grocery store. we were sitting around, watching tv in the living room for about an hour when we hear a car door. thinking it's my parents, i get up to look out the door's peephole (since i'm too short to see out the window at the top). there was a car, alright, but it wasn't my parents' car. a faceless stranger, all weird and tall and scary beyond all reason, was slinking their way, in the dark, across the lawn and towards the front stairs.
oh shit.
since looking outside and seeing someone that i don't know is basically my worst fear, my brain switches into full-on panic mode. my brother looks, too, and confirms that we're going to die. this stranger was going to come into the house and realize we have nothing good to steal except the tv, and then they were going to kill us and leave our dead bodies for our parents to find when they came back.
acting on an adrenaline and idiocy-fueled thought, i turn out the lights and creep my way out to the kitchen, which is out of sight of the front door. my brother flattens himself on the ground near the couch - also out of the intruder's line of sight - armed with a massive kitchen knife. we heard heavy steps on the porch, and all i can do is crouch in the dark kitchen while i contemplate my inevitable death.
i was trying to figure out if i could somehow sneak to the kitchen drawer to grab some paper and a pen so i could write out my will and bequeath all my worldly possessions to my best friend so he could sell them on ebay, when i heard the handle of the storm door jiggling. okay, not good. my brother and i exchanged terrified glances and try to communicate through vague hand gestures, like somehow we could formulate a plan to not die.
the last thing i wanted was to die like a useless potato who made no effort to defend herself. i remember thinking to myself, "my two-handed skill is legendary in skyrim, so maybe if i grab a broom or something, i can take this guy down. sneak to the door and when he gets the lock open, just knock his feet out from under him and beat him mercilessly with this broom." the handle stopped jiggling, and we heard the storm door open. the handle to our front door started jiggling next, which set my hardly-threatening dog into a barking frenzy.
that was it, we were going to die. i grabbed for my phone and tried calling my dad's cell phone, thinking at least there would be a witness to hear of my untimely death. i had an entire "tell mom i love her and i'm sorry we had to go and get killed" speech planned out, but he never picked it up. i left the monologue on a voicemail instead and prepared to go down fighting.
the gangly creature of an intruder stuck their hideous mug against the door-window and i watched what little i could remember of my short-ass life flash before my eyes. then, as soon as they had appeared, my potential murderer gave up and left. when my parents came home, fifteen minutes later, they thought we amde the whole thing up. BUT there were mysterious tire tracks in the mud of our front lawn where the inconsiderate fella had pulled his vehicle up.
mom went back outside to get the rest of the grocery bags, and came back inside with a little white envelope. my first thought was, "he was gonna leave an apology letter for murdering us, or maybe it was a ransom note and he wanted to kidnap us instead".
it was, in fact, a $100 gift card to the grocery store. my dad gave his friend a call, suspecting he had left it. he was right. this friend of my parents' was trying to help us out a little because we had been going through a bit of a rough time financially. he wanted to give the card to us personally, and thought maybe my dad had taken the car out but my mom was still home. over the phone, he said "i don't know what was going on. the dog was barking and all the lights went out, so i was thinking 'how did that dog turn off the light?'"
my parents gave us better advice on how NOT to react and how to defend ourselves, and we're better people for it, for sure.
EDIT: something weird is messing up the font ugh
[deleted]: Maybe you should look into getting a Xanax script or something? This seems like a huge overreaction, considering all that happened was some dude knocked on your door and then left.
f0rscienceyoumonster: i've been diagnosed with chronic general anxiety disorder, so maybe i should, but i prefer not to take medicine honestly. it wasn't just that he knocked, it was that he was jiggling the handle and trying to get in. and like i said in the original post, it's been my worst nightmare since i was little, to see a face in the window so idk i guess it just kicked my idiot brain into irrational overdrive.
| 3 | 6 | |
1409377758 | 1409433862 | t3_2ezhv1 | t5_2to41 | 5 | TheTrueJudgeDredd: TIFU by answering a call at work.
So this actually did not happen to me today, but my fiancee just told me this about her day @ 10:20 8/29/2014.
She works at a fabric store here in the Portland area, and she is a customer service rep.
Ok Reddit, here we go.
So, she was returning from break this evening and was immediately asked if anybody had taken the call that was waiting on line 1. Replying that she did not know that there was even a call waiting, she offered to answer the call. This was the call leading THE call.
The woman on the other line immediately asked a question, no time for politesse anymore.
"Do you have fabric with faeries on them?"
My fiancee asked in turn, "Sure, what kind of faeries are we looking here, pixies or Tinkerbell style?"
"Ugh, i'll just call another store...*click*" the woman hangs up.
This is where she should have returned to the other aspects of her job.
Her manager states that there was a call waiting on line 2. Once again, being the helpful person she is, my fiancee offered to take the call.
In a flamboyant breath of a voice (her quote) "Um, hello is this the fabric department?"
Fiancee:"Yes it is. How may I help you?"
Flameo:"Well, um, can I tell you something?"
Fiancee, perplexed at the statement:"Sure, go ahead."
FMO:"Well I am gay, and I just, I don't want you to hold this against me."
FCE:"Oh yeah not a problem." My fiancees favorite manager is gay, and she has many customers that work in drag, she was used to odd creations.
FMO:"Well the thing is, I was talking to my mother, and I told her I want to wear an adult diaper."
Ok, so now we have ventured into the weirdest thing my fiancee has encountered.
FMO:"And my mom said that if I got some diapers, she would diaper me."
My fiancee was in a stunned silence. looking around for a manager to help her out, as the store is very strict about customer interactions, as well as a large crowd of customers and she was not wanting to make a scene.
FMO:"She said she would powder me."
Oh my god.
FMO:"She knows that I want to be a girl. So she said I she would call me her 'little girl."
MY fiancee NEEDS AN ADULT.
FMO:"She even said she would shave my pussy, but I don't have a pussy, i have a cock and balls."
At this point my fiancee said "Would you wait a moment, someone is asking me a question."
MY fiancee turns around and behold her manager, she explains the short version, and the manager grabs the phone, threatens the guy and slams it down on the holder.
And that is how she had a TIFU.
TL;DR Fiancee answers a call from a man wanting his mother to power, shave his pussy, and be diapered.
allonsy_danny: How did she fuck up? Either I missed something she did wrong or you don't understand how TIFU's work.
TheTrueJudgeDredd: Really I misunderstand then, because I have read tons of post that made it to the front page about how a normal everyday event turns outright weird, even though they never changed the normal actions that they do.
JonWesHarding: must admit, I'm inclined to agree with allonsy, but I'm quite glad to have come across this post.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409388943 | 1409474009 | t3_2ezrbi | t5_2to41 | 69 | Music_Saves: TIFU by ripping out my pubic hair with my bare hands
This I think should be here, but could be more aptly named Today I realized I AM FUCKED UP. I was sitting on my bed after a shower and noticed my scrotum sitting where it usually is covered with a bunch of inch long hairs. I, for whatever reason, decided to pluck one...It felt amazing to me. So for the next hour i spent plucking out all of my pubic hair with just my thumb and forefinger and ended up loving every single pull. I then started fantasizing about having a woman pluck out my pubic hair and was insanely turned on by it. Sometimes when I pulled the hair it would also pull out the hair follicle and it would bleed because I was essentially ripping out pieces of skin. I know it's fucked up, but I'm strangely excited for next month when the hair grows back and I can do it again.
I fucked up by discovering my completely crazy fetish and now I can barely walk because my crotch hurts.
skater84: Be really careful. It's addictive... Seriously. Stopping is as hard as stopping smoking one you get hooked. I too have trich and have had it for 13 years now. It's insanely powerful and can be very embarrassing.
Music_Saves: Damn I didn't know it was an actual issue I guess I shouldn't do it again lest I get hooked
skater84: I started like you and wish I had stopped. It takes a grasp of you in an addictive way. Lots of ppl struggle with it. They think it's an OCD and/or stress relief thing.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1409390002 | 1409450513 | t3_2ezs3a | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU: By trying to scare my girlfriend
TIFU just a couple of hours ago. Me and my girlfriend were walking around at a mall waiting for a movie showtime. Before the movie started, we decided we would use the bathroom, so we went walking from the part of the mall that we were at to the theater's restrooms. As we walked along the outskirts of the mall to the theaters, we see an open door with a sign that clarifies there are restrooms inside. Upon entering the door, I notice that the bathrooms weren't straight ahead. Instead, it was a seemingly endless journey with signs saying "bathrooms to the left" and "bathrooms to the right" after the end of each hallway we pass. I realized this is some scary shit. I didnt have to use the bathroom before enering that door, but at that moment, it was as good a time as any. But at last the bathrooms were found! I go into mens bathroom and my girlfriend goes into the womens bathroom. I take care of my business and got out. Once I did get out, I waited for my girlfriend to get out of the bathroom. Durring that time, I came up with a horrible idea to hide behind a corner of the wall and scare my girlfriend. Finally, this is where the fuck up comes into play. So I hide behind the corner, and hear the door to the womens bathroom open. Footsteps come walking my way as I get ready to pounce using the element of surprise. As soon as the steps got close enough, I jumped out hoping to scare my girlfriend, but It wasnt her. I realized that at mid jump. At an instant, I did (or at least tried) to do the best thing possible in that situation: play it off. As soon as I landed on my feet, my hands were still up in puppeteer form, so I did the first thing that came to mind and touched my toes. The woman was screaming in terror at first and swung her purse in pure instict. Luckily for my idea that jumping and touching my toes would be the right way to play it off, I was not harmed by her bag. Not that it could have been a lethal blow or anything, but it sure would have scared me! After that I apologized, and felt really bad about scaring this stranger I dont know. She said its okay and walked away catcher her breath and laughing a bit. It wasnt til after that I saw my girlfriend walk out of the bathroom, and I did nothing and pretended nothing ever happened.
TL;DR: I was waiting to scare my girlfriend when she came out of the bathroom, but accidentally scared someone else.
I_Will_Try_More: I hate how some malls make it into a maze to fine a toilet.
Iwillnotcheck: How much?
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1409400905 | 1409440925 | t3_2f00lw | t5_2to41 | 21 | AppleCherryWater: TIFU by taking a screenshot in public
So I was browsing reddit while on the bus. A girl sat across from me. I saw a cool post on reddit and wanted to read it later so i took a screenshot. Unfortunately i didn't turn of the sound so my phone made a loud "Snap"-Sound. I was holding my camera in the direction of the girl so all the people on the bus stared at me like I was a pervert. Luckily I had to get off at the next stop. Well that was pretty awkward.
TL;DR Took a screenshot and everybody thought I was a perv.
Silvermane2: You know how you avert the crisis of being thought of as a perv. You again take a screenshot of what you were taking a screenshot of while the phone is facing the people.
Then, you show your photos and prove you were not being a perv
I swear... does anyone ever think anymore? #cringefactorieswalkamongus
arturod8: I think the best reaction is to not give a fuck
Silvermane2: That is also perfectly reasonable reaction.
Although.... Everyone involved still thinks you are a perv and if you run across those people again, they might remember you. In turn, they may treat you differently.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1409403552 | 1409428123 | t3_2f02yk | t5_2to41 | 30 | vocom: TIFU by peeing on the beach at night.
Lightning struck. It didn't strike me but it lit up the sky and a couple of crab hunters witnessed my exposed area.
BDCanuck: So did they find any... crabs?
yliu1021: Asking the important questions
| 3 | 10 | |
1409387363 | 1409444618 | t3_2ezq1b | t5_2to41 | 38 | XxJefferyxX: TIFU and my reactions failed me
TIFU. So I have just returned home from university for a few weeks. While back home I have been helping out on my parents dairy farm with milking and what have you. During milking this afternoon I fucked up. We were about half way through the milking and all was going well. For those of you who don't know things can get quite messy during milking with cow shit getting everywhere. So I go to cup a cow and feel something splash onto my lip. Instantly my natural reaction is to lick whatever has landed on my lip because my hands are busy. As my tongue exits my mouth to relieve the tingle on my lip my eyes lock with a torrent of shit that is gushing from the cows ass next to me. It was too late. The taste was like I had swallowed someones methane as fuck fart mixed with half digested grass. Lets just say it wasn't pleasant. I instantly dropped the milking cups to then receive a nice kick from the cow as I rushed to wash out my mouth. Today my reactions fucked up.
TL;DR Ate shit
Beef_Jones: I'm honestly amazed that you made it to college growing up on a dairy farm without having a straight mouth full of shit at some point.
XxJefferyxX: I didn't really milk much when I was younger and I am normally quite cautious, so there's that.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1409405491 | 1417741641 | t3_2f04z2 | t5_2to41 | 7,522 | DroppersShrugMart: TIFU by telling my girlfriend to leave the vegetables at home.
I was visiting So. Cal with my girlfriend of two years and we decided to make a trip to Disneyland for the day. That morning, she had packed us a nice lunch with lots of veggies and healthy shit. I had no objection to eating healthy for once, as the majority of my meals in LA consisted of Taco Bell and In-N-Out (I'm Canadian so I have to take advantage of this whenever possible)
Throughout this vacation, her and I constantly made back-and-forth jokes about our shitty eating habits and how we had left our healthy lifestyles back at home.
Well, that morning, she packs a big bag of spinach for us to munch on. Spinach is my favorite healthy snack. However, she did not take into account the fact that it would be sitting in the bottom of her backpack, squished by the weight of other various fooditems, for several hours in the Anaheim heat.
So I'm standing in line for the Indiana Jones ride, it's about 5 o'clock and I'm starting to feel snackish. So I reach into her backpack and pull out this gnarly looking bag of spinach. Most of the leaves had already turned into that flaccid combination of very dark green/brown pulp, not appetizing at all.
Feeling disappointed, I turn to my girlfriend and say jokingly, "Everyone here should just leave their vegetables at home. They have no reason to be at a place like this." She laughed and my heart melted a little bit.
"EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?"
I turn around and a mother with her severely disabled daughter is standing right behind me in line. Both are wearing bright orange shirts with some charity's logo on it and "DISNEYLAND 2014" in boldface across the chest. Then I look behind them. There is a large group of people wearing the same shirts. And they all have the same expression of disgust on their faces.
"My daughter is not a vegetable! She is the sweetest, kindest thing ever! Yatta yatta yatta. How DARE you tell me where I can and can't take my own child!"
Realizing what she thought I meant, I quickly tried to cover up my ass.
"Oh no. No. No. No. I didn't mean it that way! I was just referring to this rotten bag of spinach!"
"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HER?"
I pull out the bag of spinach from the backpack. One of the guys from the group walks up to me and says "You think you're funny? Try taking care of a child with cerebral palsy, let alone suffer from it! I'm sure you wouldn't be fucking laughing."
Before giving me another chance to explain myself, he walks between my girlfriend and I as to cut off our spot in line. Then he signals for the rest of the group to walk right by us. I had already waited in line for approximately 40 minutes, and now a group of 20+ people felt they had the right to budge us in line because of a simple misunderstanding.
"What do you think you're doing?" I ask him
"We're going on this ride before you."
"What gives you the right to do that?"
"You fucking insulted my niece, that's what!"
My girlfriend is telling me to let it go, but I'm not letting this douchebag get away with this. So I walk ahead to the front of the group to reassert our position in line. The mother says "no, you're gonna have to wait in line like everybody else."
WTF?
I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. People from the group were forcefully pushing me to the back of the line. My brain was about to explode from the absurdness of the situation. Without thinking, I immediately turned around and swung at the douchebag who cut us off, hitting him square in the jaw. By this time, the rest of the people in line were watching us.
My girlfriend rushed over and pulled me out of there before I heard one of the ladies from the group scream "I NEED A CAST MEMBER!"
Two park employees came running up to us asking what all the commotion was. The mother of the handicapped girl told them how we had PERSONALLY insulted her child, as well as other disabled children in general. Then they said that I had tried taking their place in line because I thought their group was too large. THEN the one d-bag showed the staff his swollen cheek, saying how I turned violent when I wouldn't return to my place in line. That part was true, but the way he explained it to them made it seem like I went Marsellus Wallace on his ass.
Then I told them my side of the story. They didn't believe it. A nice cast member by the name of Carl escorted us out of the park. I am now banned from all Disney parks for life.
We went to Knott's the next day without any incident or vegetables.
TLDR; my spinach went bad, some crazy woman assumed I was insulting her disabled daughter and I am now no longer allowed to visit the Happiest Place on Earth.
edit 1: The staff at Disney showed us the footage of the incident before we were escorted out. I did punch another man in the face, and that's probably the main reason why I am banned. I fucked up there but I choose not to dwell on it.
edit 2: Thank you for the gold, random stranger!
kirkkillsklingons: That's bullshit. I would not let this one go.
Gman8491: Everyone up-vote and get Disney to reinstate OP.
DroppersShrugMart: I appreciate the effort, but I really have no desire to return there. They won't be getting another dollar from me ever again.
HaikuHighDude: To be fair, you straight up committed battery on camera...this could have gone worse. I'd have done the same though. Super defensive, overprotective parents raising some spoiled vegetables.
EDIT: More replies to this than expected, so figured I'd clarify a bit. First, I think people are assuming you have more rights to retribution than you really do. Response has to be proportional. You can't just unleash and go Jim Duggan on anyone who puts a disrespectful hand on you. Again, super situational. He certainly could have been arrested. Convicted is another story. It would depend greatly on the judge (or even judge's whim that day) and the details of the video and such. I wasn't picturing the lynch mob aggressiveness of the situation many of you seem to be thinking of. OP seems to admit to striking in anger of the absurdity, not fear or defense of self.
GoodArrow: So did the person who put a hand on his shoulder.
RoboChrist: Legally, maybe. But no one is going to get arrested for putting a hand on a shoulder unless it's the President. People have been arrested for throwing a single punch.
ProtoKun7: I don't even think the President would get arrested for putting his hand on someone's shoulder.
NateMate: The intended statement was to say that someone may get arrested for placing a hand on the President's shoulder, not vice-versa.
ProtoKun7: Not sure if this qualifies as a whoosh or if you're just making an anti-joke.
NateMate: I have no idea what you're talking about.
ProtoKun7: I know he wasn't referring to the President; I was making a joke.
NateMate: Whoosh.
| 13 | 578.615385 | |
1409406274 | 1409408748 | t3_2f05vl | t5_2to41 | 26 | Pyronato: TIFU by Grabbing my Binder with One Hand and Dropping a Worksheet
I fucked up yesterday, big time.
My High school is a total Non-cheating Nazi, if they find out a student cheats on a quiz, exam, or homework. There will be harsh consequences for anyone caught cheating or giving information about tests/quizzes.
In Algebra 2, we go over a System of Linear Equations worksheet; it was also the last class of the day. The professor finished class reviewing and I just place the worksheet inside my binder (note it was a 2”, so it was hard to grab it with one hand since I’m small). I didn’t open the rings or placed it inside a binder folder, I simply slid the worksheet inside and placed my binder on the floor (1st fuck up).
The teacher starts handing out quizzes and I receive mine. When I finished the last equation of the quiz, I looked at my watch and noticed there were 3 minutes left before the bell rang. So I moved my quiz aside and started to pack my things up. I grabbed my binder with one hand (2nd fuck up), suddenly the binder opens because of my small hands and the worksheet fell out of my binder and traveled a good 3 inches away from me (3rd fuck up). I placed my binder inside my backpack and stretched to reach the worksheet. Suddenly, the professor finally sees me and shouts my name out loud to come see him. He then asks me why I was trying to grab a paper on the floor and I explain that it fell from my binder. I suddenly start to get the feeling he didn’t believe me, so I give him the worksheet as proof (4th fuck up). I then witness his face go from “police inspector” to “you’re going down motherfucker”. He doesn’t believe me, sends me to see the principal, I stay afterschool for 2 more hours explaining that I was not cheating and it was just a simple accident. Long story short, the principal doesn’t believe me either and calls my parents, I loose eligibility on entering NHS and Student President, have to go to a Saturday detention, automatically get a 0 on the quiz, and worst of all is that it will show up that I “cheated” during a quiz to colleges.
I am now writing this having 5 minutes before going to school to serve Saturday detention.
tl;dr: Finished a quiz, placed binder in backpack, worksheet containing info about the quiz fell. Professor catches me, send me to office, the Principal doesn't believe my story, and obtain hell as my punishment.
CaptainAwesome06: 1. Who calls their teacher a professor?
2. Colleges won't see that you cheated. When you apply, Moe often than not you enter your own GPA on the online application.
3. Based on your sentence structure, you should pay more attention in school.
LieutenantMonkeyMan: I swear this subreddit has become people pointing out fake stories.
CaptainAwesome06: I'm not saying it's fake. It's just not that bad. I swear this subreddit has become high school kids thinking stubbing their toe is going to ruin their lives forever.
LieutenantMonkeyMan: I looked back and now realise what you wrote was more of advice/reassurance, sorry. At first I thought you were pointing out flaws in the story's logic like so many people do here.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1409406131 | 1409446943 | t3_2f05p4 | t5_2to41 | 118 | JediShark: TIFU by forgetting about a bra in a duffle bag.
TIFU by forgetting about a bra in a duffle bag.
My fiance and I are getting married tomorrow at her parents house in Maine. She's the most amazing woman I have ever met, and I truly feel like the luckiest guy in the world. So on Sunday, my fiance was packing clothes for our kids (we each have one from previous relationships), and asked if I had a duffle bag big enough to fit all of their things in. I remembered this old black duffle I had that I hadn't touched in about 4 years, so I told her where it was. She grabs the bag and starts emptying random things out of it from when I moved 4 years ago. All of a sudden I hear "Uh.... jedishark... can you come up here a second?" "Sure babe" I reply, thinking she needs my help with something. I walk in and she has this look on her face that reads "WTF and Ewww" at the same time. She says, very calmly, "there's a bra in that bag, and it sure as hell isn't mine, please make it disappear." "What?" I reply, and go look in the bag. Sure enough, there's a black bra in the bag. I remove it and dispose of it, and she asks "So do we need to talk about this..?" Then it hits me.. this bra was from a one night stand I had about 4-5 years ago. When she left the hotel she left her bra behind and I felt weird leaving it in the hotel room so I threw it in my bag and forgot all about it. I explain to her and kinda laugh about it, more embarrassed than anything else. She was going between laughing at my awkwardness and being skeeved out by finding the bra, especially as she packed for our wedding.
In the end it was all a big laugh for us, and yet ANOTHER thing she has to tease me about. But she's still marrying me tomorrow, so it's all good. I also made sure I checked all of my other bags in the house as well so she didn't find anymore "surprises".
hypnofed: >My fiance and I are getting married tomorrow at her parents house in Maine.
* fiance = male
* fiancee = female
I'm not usually one to correct others on grammar, but I always have the impression a lot of people just don't know this.
lifelongfreshman: I know there's a difference in spelling, but I couldn't have told you had you asked me. And! I'm almost certainly going to forget as soon as I leave this page. So, sorry.
[deleted]: Same here.
My brain can remember that there is a difference.
It can remember what the difference in the spelling is.
What it can't do, is remember which way around it is. Ever.
Just can't do it
squirrellywhirly: It's probably terrible that this is the way I remember it, but I think of the double e's in fiancee as a cup size, so I can remember it's the female one. >.<
[deleted]: Judge rules:
I'll allow it
| 6 | 19.666667 | |
1409408152 | 1409465824 | t3_2f083r | t5_2to41 | 290 | Jrmikulec: Tifu by Kentucky Bobsleding
I had some friends over last night and we, being 17, got to the point at 11 o'clock where anything stupid is fun. So we settled on wagoning. I have this huge offroad wagon with air filled tires and a handle in the front to steer it. My neighborhood is hilly, so we spent the night trying to get the highest top speed (measured by an accelerometer app). We started out on smaller hills, eventually working up to this huge paved mountain pretty far from my house. Up until this point our highest speed was 24 mph. That was on a damn big hill too. This hill, the big one, was a landmark in my neighborhood. I don't feel safe going down it in a car. Once my friends saw it though, they were set. It was the only way to break our previous speed.
So 3 of us, including me, climbed to about the top (yes 3 fucking people fit on this tank). We put on gloves, pushed off down the hill. The only sound was whistling wind. I had a phone, screenshotting every higher number that appeared. We got to 33 mph, and barely made it around the turn at the bottom of the hill by leaning out of the wagon.
But our hunger for speed was insatiable. I wanted to sit the next one out, so one of my friends took my place and the other 2 went again. They idiotically decided to go higher up on the hill. One other friend and I were waiting at the bottom. After a long 3 minutes, we saw the wagon's silhouette soaring down under the streetlights.It looked like a normal run at first. Then we heard Frank, our pilot, scream "I CAN'T STEER". When they get to the bend, they go straight into the neighbor's yard and collide with a fire hydrant.
The next scene looked like a Michael Bay movie. Nick (back seat) realized he was the last air bender and launched almost 20 feet across the yard, tearing up the grass where his feet hit. Brian (middle) flew straight into the air, flipped over, and landed on his back on the wagon. He can't remember the crash, but he had a helmet on. Frank (pilot) still had his hand on the steering handle when it hit, and took the majority of the force there, rolling off to the the left after.
The last speed Brian had seen on his phone was 40 mph. He and Nick got off ok, with bruised legs and sprained ankles. Frank's hand turned into a balloon. It swelled to where he couldn't move it. Also, the skin was ripped off of his knuckles, right through his fucking gloves.
We stumbled home to my very protective dad sitting on the couch waiting for me. We were supposed to be in the basement by 10:30 to watch a movie or play melee or something. I panicked and told him no one got hurt. I snuck Frank some OTC pain pills and got neosporin for cuts. Parents still don't know. Updates or pictures can come if anyone cares.
TL:DR Hit a fire hydrant with a wagon at 40 mph. Fire hydrant did not move.
http://i.imgur.com/1tl8iaS.jpg
No fractures
http://i.imgur.com/Z13ZR4B.jpg
Gen_Hazard: Would love some pics of the wagon!
Jrmikulec: http://i.imgur.com/1tl8iaS.jpg
Gen_Hazard: *Wow!*
Now I believe you were going 40mph.
Jrmikulec: And believe it or not, we chipped some paint off of the fire hydrant!
tprice1020: Very much believe it.
| 6 | 48.333333 | |
1409407310 | 1409445941 | t3_2f072t | t5_2to41 | 5 | Sadpriest12321: TIFU by offering church services for the needy and ruining a neighbourhood.
Hello! I run a small church in a Canadian town of about 100,000 people. My church has about 500 members so we are a medium sized church. Our town has a large homeless population that is commonly brutalised by the police and the public and there are few services so I decided to open a warming room/homeless shelter. To find this and help this, we rented out a small portion of our church to a detox clinic as well. Our church is in the middle of a middle-class neighbourhood and is mainly lawyers, doctor, and other wealthy people. They greatly opposed this idea, but I just figured they were classist and ignored them. There was protest, but the programming went ahead. For two years this program was successful. The city saw the homeless problem get slightly better, and the drug problem got better.
I live in the neighbourhood the church is in and i saw changes start to happen. Homeless people begged in our neighbourhood, fights were constantly breaking out at all times of the day, blood and vomit covered side walks and drive ways in the morning. Drug dealers began dealing openly in the streets, I've even been offered cocaine at a discount. Property value here is dropping rapidly, people are leaving, there is a boarded up house on our street, and most children aren't allowed to walk to school.
I do not mean to come off as classist to anyone by this. My programming is helping homelessness, and drug use in this city. Unfortunately it is causing the neighbourhood to change.
I don't know what to do. Do I end the programming or continue it? This keeps me up night (loud drunkenness outside does too though). I want to help my community.
_faustus: You're helping people but you're also fucking up your neighbourhood. Let's assume:
1. The net outcome of your actions is an attenuation of human suffering
2. The value of all life is equal, homeless or otherwise
3. You want to dedicate your life to reducing suffering
4. You're willing to sacrifice own comfort
Then the answer is reasonably simple. If you have doubts about this then maybe one of the assumptions are wrong. Maybe you like the program but also like nice things, in which case you might consider keeping it going but moving out of the area.
On a practical level, to what degree is the presence of the detox clinic contributing to the problem, is it necessary to your program, and can you find other sources of funding?
canwegoback: Mr. Economics 101 is here to save the day.
_faustus: LOL i'm actually a recent-med school dropout. i was thinking like a scientist, not an economist.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409409875 | 1409510241 | t3_2f0aec | t5_2to41 | 17 | roodpart: TIFU: I drove into a secure prison by accident.
Went to March train station road was closed... so mum said oh turn down this road and follow... drive past a under cover police car and then into HM Whitemoor Prison... turn around then pulled over then another car turns up and blocks us in searches the outside of the car checks car over and then a 10 minute wait as they clear my license, insurance etc..
khalidhaddad: How did you not realize it was a prison ?
JeremyR22: Unless it's changed since the um... 10 years ago I lived there, I can see where they went wrong. The road they said was closed is a long straight road that leads directly out of town. There aren't many parallel roads in the same direction and the nearest one which looks like it heads in the right direction to end up where they were wanting to go... dead ends at Whitemoor Prison.
However, there's a visitors car parking area so I don't quite understand why they didn't just turn around in there. And there absolutely are signs, not to mention a super high wall with barbed wire fences and whatnot. It's a maximum security prison home to some of Britain's nastiest fuckers so it really is quite obvious what you're driving towards.
https://www.google.co.uk/maps/place/Whitemoor+Prison/@52.5717739,0.0854607,845m/data=!3m1!1e3!4m2!3m1!1s0x47d80689d63208ab:0xd44fcc9cf04a2407
They either came up Hundred Road from the south or across Longhill Road from the east, trying to avoid Elm Road (which becomes Station Road further dwn). Either way, it looks like you can sneak through, but you can't (because they kind naturally don't want people doing that).
[edit] Actually from street view, it looks like there are a lot more and taller trees than there used to be so maybe they couldn't see what they were driving into. I bet there's still a sign, though.
roodpart: Yeah exactly this I couldn't see what I was driving into, i didn't know the area and drove just through this raised barrier to turn around at this point I knew i'd done wrong. The the B1101 was closed just after the turn in to the prison.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1409411240 | 1409417314 | t3_2f0ceq | t5_2to41 | 4 | wont_give_no_kreddit: TIFU by not being cautious at work
This happened a week ago. So I work at this job on the academic institution where I study. This is the easiest job ever, a dream job for the people who like to browse the web all day. At work, I only have to do little to no activity at all, the remainder of the time is spent browsing hard. Like many people on here, I am an avid Reddit browser, mostly going for the nsfw material. On FB I also liked the yoga pants farm as wells as hey you 18+. As a result, you fucking bet i am drooling as I click and look at the collection of glorious asses on yoga pants. On certain occasions, I manage to end up at a p0rn site after following redditor/users links. This would not be an issue but these fuckers pop up other windows on the background that you sometimes are unaware of until you close the window you where initially on. So a coworker came in to do some maintenance work and asked to check something out. The coworker proceeded to close my browser window. Before the coworker arrived I closed the FB and Reddit tabs only leaving the organizations website up. So as I was saying, my coworker closed the window only to reveal a stealthy promo pop-up window to a raunchy website that featured two slutty chicks getting jizzed on their faces by the Godzilla of all dicks.
I pretended to not notice and open up word, that's when some hidden ninja like skills came up and quickly closed all the windows. It would have been a save but he obviously saw it and to top it up I said "wtf" which only served as a reassurance to what his eyes had quickly witnessed.
TD;DR ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK YOUR WINDOWS/TABS TO ELIMINATE STEALTHY PORNO ADD POP UPS when browsing nsfw stuff at work
Justvotingupordown: You know what NSFW stands for, right? Also, if you're using work computers to browse that shit, they have a record of it.
allonsy_danny: This. On your phone is one thing but don't put your job on the line by browsing that on a company-owned computer.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409408519 | 1409508684 | t3_2f08l0 | t5_2to41 | 14 | FARTBOX_DESTROYER: TIFU by inadvertently convincing my very conservative father that I was gay.
Not actually today but probably 10 years ago.
So when I was about 15ish, my friends convinced me to sneak out of the house for some teenage shenanigans. It went well. Only, when I came home I had forgotten to put the bug screen back on the window.
So the next day (Sunday) is chore day, ugh. While dilly dallying around outside, I hear my dad's angry voice calling me (you know the one). The screen is lying on the ground and he's standing there pointing at it and staring at me.
"Why is this on the ground?" He asked.
In my infinite teenage wisdom, the best answer I could conjure up was "I guess it fell out."
It didn't fall out. We both knew that. He continued to question me and he was abnormally angry about this. Like, really angry making a scene on the side of the house angry.
Then came this question: "Who's John!?"
I was dumbfounded by his question. "John who?" I asked.
"From your yearbook" he replied.
It was about this time the gears in my head were turning and putting all the puzzle pieces in place. You see John was a particularly raunchy "friend" I hung out with in high school, and John had written particularly raunchy things in my high school year book thanking me for great anal buttsex. My father, not much of one for jokes, didn't find it amusing.
I burst out laughing in front of him as he looked at me like a crazy person. He did not find that amusing, either.
I explained the situation (not sure if he believed me until I got caught with a girl a couple of years later) but was grounded, anyway.
TLDR; Dad thought I was sneaking out of the house for gay buttstuff.
Landredr: Mine thought I was gay because I'm too lazy to consider dating. Dad's are often paranoid about their sons being gay.
Boomkin1337: My dad once found my porn folder on my PC. Nude pics, movies and whatnot. He asked me what those are (like he didn't know). I was frozen in both fear and shame. After like 10 seconds he turned to me smiling and said "Well, I'm glad they are women, not men!"
Landredr: If a porn stash exists no doubt at some point a parent is going to stumble onto it.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1409413277 | 1409413683 | t3_2f0fd0 | t5_2to41 | 19 | MyPenisBurnsBad: TIFU by pouring Frank's Red Hot sauce down my urethra in an attempt to prank my girlfriend by making "spicy semen".
TheBigNate416: This is either made up or you are a complete idiot
MyPenisBurnsBad: Complete idiot is the one. Oh god.
But what, you never had a prank backfire?
TheBigNate416: I've never dumped hotsauce down my dick expecting anything other than pain.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1409413348 | 1409569658 | t3_2f0fgz | t5_2to41 | 21 | sore_vagina: TIFU by getting my first Brazilian wax done on the cheap
Throwaway because fuck my life.
I'm going travelling for a month, and thought it'd save me a lot of hassle if i just go and get everything waxed. I've had my legs and eyebrows waxed before - fine. Underarms and vagina waxing are new to me though.
I live in the middle of a city so all the salons near me were way out of my price range. I searched for some a bit further out and found one for about half the price of the ones close by.
I turned up, booked in and was taken into a room. The woman was rude and I decided within the first 3 seconds that I didn't like her. But all she was going to do was stare at my vagina for a while then I never have to see her again so that's fine. I laid on the table and the rude waxing lady did my armpits. Pretty painful but over quickly and not too bad. I flinched at one point because, you know, waxing kinda stings. The woman told me not to move like that because it puts her off. Ok, I'll try to control my uncontrollable reflexes to pain.
Anyway, moving on to the Brazilian. Legs spread, feeling nervous, she begins. Ouch. Ouch again. That wax is kind of hot.
'What's wrong with you? Why are you flinching so much?' Seriously lady, try getting your vagina waxed.
All of a sudden, something doesn't feel quite right and the lady hasn't tried ripping my skin off for a few seconds. I lift my head to see what's going on - the woman looks kinda mortified.
Now, I'm going to skim over this part a bit but here's what happened: she fucked up. My labia made a wax sandwich. The wax had not only glued my labia together but had also seeped a little, er, further.
She tells me she doesn't want to just yank it off because it could go wrong so she decides to SLOWLY PEEL it off. After what felt like an eternity of agony, I'm left bleeding and very very sore.
Bitch still tried to make me fucking pay for the service.
mauscheese: "Cheap Brazilian wax" doesn't sound appealing to me. And I'm a dude. You need to understand that 9/10 you get what you pay for.
BlueChilli: Technically, she got 11/10 what she paid for.
mauscheese: I meant 9 times out of 10. Sorry.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1409414601 | 1409424150 | t3_2f0h9m | t5_2to41 | 9 | DracoRiff: TIFU by confronting my mum regarding her bias against me
So, being the eldest daughter alongside 3 sons in an Asian family is no good at all. I'm typically treated like an extra, an experiment where my parents test methods to properly raise their kids.
When my brothers were born, my mum left me in the care of my aunt because they "didn't have enough energy to take care of 4 kids". Being just 5 years old, I didn't really think much about it, especially since I always had a blast when I was at my aunt's house. Eventually though, I realised something was different. Everytime I worked really hard to get good grades or whatever, I don't get a single praise or even the slightest show of "I'm so proud of you". Whenever I draw some interesting cards to give to my parents for their birthdays, my brothers copy my exact same idea and they get all the credit. When we go overseas, my mum would ALWAYS make me share the room with my father because my brothers dislike it when my father shouts at hotel staff (I dislike it as well, so why should I be taking up the burden?).
If I want to buy something, my parents will delay it for as long as possible, giving me excuses such as "you should find out the price first" or "I don't have the time to accompany you". When my brothers ask for anything, my mum goes out to buy it immediately. I've been asking for a bicycle for years but guess what? They bought a bicycle for my brother instead.
My hatred towards my family eventually developed into disgust and evolved into a very complex OCD problem. I can't stand anything they do. This led to numerous trips to see a psychologist and I was forced to take Aripiprazole and some other weird medication for 6 years. The psychiatrist won't even listen to my problems and constantly tells me that I am the problem.
I have confronted my mum many times regarding her bias against me but was always met with nonsense along the lines of "Your family are the only ones who will support you in this world, you should be thankful for us." What a load of crap. All these years I only wished to see the next day because my friends were always there for me. Without them, I think I might have committed suicide a long time ago. Once I took a survey that asked what was more important to me, family or friends? I picked friends without hesitation and the guy stared at me as if I was some ungrateful prick. Not everyone has a caring family.
Today I decided to send her a text instead, again confronting her regarding her bias after she said I was "sent here to torture her". I was really sick of her constantly bragging about how great my brother is now that he's serving the nation. Obviously she decides the most logical thing to do is not to reply. She read the message but acted as if nothing happened when I saw her later in the day. Now everything is awkward once again and there is this lingering tension in the air.
I desperately want a way out of this household but I still haven't found a job since my mum rejects every job I have tried applying to. I can't straight up leave either because my dad made me sign a contract (stating I can't leave the house until I get a job for 3 months) when I needed a laptop for my studies.
I just really wanted to get this complaint off my chest, so sorry for the long post.
TL;DR Parents biased against daughter (me) and I get OCD and become "creature sent to torture them"
Krynique: Wow. That really sucks.
Your psychiatrist really doesn't sound like much help, honestly. Anyway, I hope you can find a good job and get out of there asap.
DracoRiff: It's kinda hard to find a permanent job related to what I've been studying since game design isn't that big where I live. Sucks that I had to pass up a few chances because of my mum.
Krynique: Yeah, jobs like that can be hard to find in some places, and I suppose your mum rejecting any that come your way can't help the matter :/
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope it gets better. Maybe try moving in with a partner, if you have one?
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1409414214 | 1409443684 | t3_2f0gpm | t5_2to41 | 136 | rap_mein: TIFU thanks to Rosetta Stone
So, English is my first language, and I'm also fairly proficient in French, since I took a French course in school from 5th through 11th grade. But I never learned Spanish, unless you count the absolute joke that is elementary school Spanish. If you're talking about colors or clothing in Spanish, I can probably almost understand you. Otherwise, I have no chance.
Well, my work is such that I am often around many native Spanish-speakers, and earlier this summer I set out to learn some of the language so that I could better hold a conversation with them in a language other than English. I looked online for a good deal on Rosetta Stone Spanish, and I found it for just shy of a hundred bucks used on Amazon. So I bought it and it was at my house within a few days.
And so I learned Spanish, little by little. I can now hold a basic conversation and have a pretty good guess at what some other words mean. I try to practice my Spanish whenever I can, and my father who speaks Spanish often helps me out with my Spanish-speaking.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was with my father and we were buying sandwiches from a local sub shop. The line was fairly long, and so I figured it was as good a time as any to practice my skills. I was so engrossed in this that I wasn't really paying attention to anyone else.
"Me gustaria un sandwich de pavo con queso, tomate y lechuga, por favor," I say to my dad, pretending to order my sandwich in Spanish. I'm incredibly proud of myself at this point when suddenly...
"What the fuck did you just say to me?"
I turn around and see a huge, burly Hispanic man, at least 6'6", and I am immediately terrified. "Nothing, sir," I say, clearly frightened by the man.
"I've lived in this country my whole life. My parents came here from Ecuador with nothing. Nothing. And they worked their way up... The American dream. And you're really going to sit there and act like I'm too stupid to speak English. Man, shit!"
He seemed to be getting more and more upset so we just noped the fuck out of there at that point. We went to a bagel joint down the street instead.
Fast forward to yesterday afternoon, I really want a sub, and the sandwich place with the scary Ecuadorian man is really the only good option in my small town. So I drive over, park my car right in front in case I need to make a quick getaway, and walk into the store. And guess who's waiting there for me with a smile on his face. There's no one else in the store, and so I cautiously walk up to the counter.
Suddenly, he begins to laugh uncontrollably. I uncomfortably start to laugh too.
"Man, you're so gullible. You shouldn't believe all the shit I tell you."
And he keeps laughing... At the shittiest fucking joke I've ever heard. Somehow, this makes me feel even worse than I did before.
**TLDR: Spent a hundred bucks on Rosetta Stone, thought I was going to be murdered by a very large Hispanic man, and then it all turned out to be a sick, sick joke.**
Matt890: Good to know, I was considering buying Rosetta Stone to learn arabic and get a head start before I start classes on it, guess its not really that great.
Spitalian: What he said made sense in Spanish, but I can tell you that Rosetta Stone really does suck. It's okay for Spanish and French, but it tries to teach every language the same way, which doesn't work. Also, it has no way of teaching complex grammatical concepts. All it teaches is basic grammar and vocabulary.
ColbyChee5e: Then what would you recommend?
Captain_Oreos: Duolingo.com because if you don't like it at least it's free.
THE_DINOSAUR_QUEEN: They don't have the Arabic that ColbyChee5e wants, though. It is a great site.
| 6 | 22.666667 | |
1409413751 | 1409426584 | t3_2f0g17 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by yelling to a solicitor
I heard someone knock on the door, and thought it was my family. I yelled "It's unlocked!" , No answer. Upon opening the door, I see a door-to-door salesman, asking about the homeowner. So now some creep knows that our door was unlocked, and I'm terrified of being robbed now.
allonsy_danny: There's a rather simple solution here.
King_of_Shade: A "No Soliciting" sign?
TheLittleBox: I was thinking "trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot twice" sign would be more appropriate
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409413921 | 1409463763 | t3_2f0gad | t5_2to41 | 142 | violettes: TIFU by letting my mother tie our dog to the propane tank.
Unlike many TIFUs, this occurred today, on this lovely summer morning. After returning from the dog park with two incredibly muddy dogs, I proceeded to bathe our 80 lb Golden Retriever puppy, whilst my mother bathed our 8 lb Maltese. Needless to say, the Maltese was not the dog involved in this incident.
After wrestling with Oliver in the tub for twenty minutes, I deemed him clean enough to lay out in the sun until dried off. Since he was free of dirt, it was decided that he should lay on the deck, and not be permitted onto the grass, to prevent further soiling. In order to enforce this, my mother decided to attach his leash to something solid and immovable to prevent his escape.
A propane tank is neither of those things.
But alas there he was, soaking up the sun, tongue out, eyes closed; his blue leash was hooked around the handle of the tank. (Against my advice, I will add).
My mother continued to work around the yard, and as she disappeared out the back gate to collect the recycling and garbage bins, Oliver spotted a squirrel. This squirrel is his arch nemesis, it constantly sits atop the fence and chatters at the grounded dogs, frustrating them to no end. So when Oliver saw the squirrel unprotected, near the exit to the back lane, there was no stopping him.
The following events seemed to come together in an almost dreamlike, or perhaps nightmarish fashion. Sitting in my room, I hear screams from the back, and I rush outside.
There goes Oliver, a golden blur racing out of the yard, dragging behind him a full, bouncing propane tank. As he pulled, the tank bounced, causing a loud noise that propelled the dog further out of fear. I glance up, and see my 78 year old neighbour slowly walking down his driveway, and in comic book fashion, Oliver confuses his adoration for mankind and his fear of loud noises, and wraps himself thrice around Sid's ankles.
My mother is still screaming at this point.
The propane tank bounces once more, slamming into the other neighbour's car, synchronizing beautifully with Sid's graceless fall. I have at this point followed on foot, and as Oliver slows, I reach to grab his collar and unhook the leash from it. Sid is laying on the ground with a stunned look, my mother and I kneeling over him asking if he is alright.
By the grace of all that is good, Sid was not hurt, only shaken up. We wrangled the dog into the house, where he is now shamefully sitting in the corner. There was also no damage to the neighbour's car, and the propane tank seems to still be in good shape. My mother is still crying.
TLDR: Dog takes off with propane tank tied to him, causes bodily, emotional, and structural harm.
cakerr: For some reason I expected an explosion...
plasma1147: *propane propane* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldoT2mHubGE
KatzOfficial: *and propane accessories*
| 4 | 35.5 | |
1409420188 | 1409432536 | t3_2f0pd9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling girls douche-bags
Apologies in advance for any dodgy formatting, I'm a lurker and this is my first account, also worth noting I failed English in high school.
Now technically this happened several years ago but it wasn't until today that I realised my screw up. It doesn't really matter much anymore since this happened in elementary/primary school and I've never seen anyone from my school since I left since I pretty much hated them all anyway.
Context: So about year 6/7 in Elementary School when we were just a bunch of immature twelvies a common insult we would use is douche-bag since teachers didn't seem to care about it much. Anyways it got to the point where it became such a casual word in my vocabulary and I would use it all the time but for some reason I noticed it seemed to piss off girls in particular. Generally with guys you would call them a douche-bag and they would be like "nah you're the douche" or "I know you are but what am I" (Keep in mind we were like twelve, our insults were terrible). But for some reason it bugged the hell out of certain girls and would usually end in the following scenario.
*Girl acting like a douche
Me: "Oh my gosh you're such a douche-bag"
Girl: "Do you even know what that means"
Me: "No, why?"
Girl: "Well then don't use it then"
Me: "Well what does it mean then?
Girl: "I'm not telling you(Typically in an edgy offended voice)
This would confuse me because I wasn't sure why it was girls in particular would get so offended by this.
So fast forward about 7 years I'm with my friend and we're entering a shop to get some drinks. The drinks are on the other side of the store, so we cut through one of the aisles to the other side and it happens to be the care product aisle (The aisle with hair products, hygiene products and a bunch of other junk girls mash on their face for their instasweg selfies). As I'm walking down a product called Douche caught my eye and I told my friend "Hey I found the perfect product for you". Out of curiosity I pick it up to read the description on the back and then suddenly it hit me like a brick wall.
TL;DR: TIL that Douche is a common product name for female genital cleaner
Edit1: Formatting
ModernKender: 1. Common knowledge
2. Girls can still be douchebags.
One_Wheel_Drive: I don't think a 12 year old boy can be expected to know. When I was 12, I had no idea what a tampon or even a thong was.
ModernKender: No, you're right. The #2 point is the more important one.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409419553 | 1409452865 | t3_2f0oe1 | t5_2to41 | 38 | throwaway3point1: TIFU by referring to "Anchorman" at the wrong time.
So my girlfriend and I were staying at a campsite that, due to geography, is mostly used by white people. This campground also had a cool old wooden shipwreck. Naturally, being Ron Burgundy fans, we started referring to the ship as [“Diversity.”](http://i.imgur.com/5eHqJ06)
While walking into a building, I noticed a picture of the ship on a billboard. I pointed at it and said “Hey look, hun! Diversity!” What I didn’t notice was that there was a black family sitting on a bench in the same general direction. Trying to get me to shut up, my girlfriend gave a short, dismissive reply. I missed her cue and doubled-down, saying “Well, it’s not NOT diversity...” We were pretty much walking right past them at that point.
I didn’t realize what I’d done, and my girlfriend froze and didn’t tell me until after. I tried to find them to apologize, but couldn’t. I still feel bad, because it probably made them feel uncomfortable. I didn’t mean anything by it. I was talking about the ship. I’m sorry, bench family. I’m sorry. :(
**TL;DR: I pointed in the general direction of a black family in a mostly white setting and said “Hey look, hun! Diversity!”**
(Throwaway because I'll also tell this one IRL.)
ShadowbannedHero: Why should you apologize you were just pointing out a fact that wasn't even bad. Stop feeling the need to apologize for saying goofy things that don't matter.
feex3: The ship isn't actually naked diversity. OP wasn't pointing out a fact
CannibalAngel: It's not naked? My whole life is a lie...
feex3: A herp derp
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1409422871 | 1409464643 | t3_2f0tft | t5_2to41 | 198 | Muxtor: TIFU by cumming all over the place at work.
In my office I work a shift that ends at 10:00 PM. (It's a 24 hour call center. I'm not in the call center but my department stays until 10:00 PM). Two nights a week I am the only one who works after 8:00 PM, and I am the only one in this part of the office. Nobody ever comes back there at this hour.
So I have a habit that on 2 nights I watch some pornography on my Ipad (not connected to the office wifi) and do some masturbating during my break. I just do it right at my desk. I always cum into the trash can under my desk.
Never in the months that I've been doing this has anyone come back to this part of the office, so I had no fear and was used to masturbating at work.
So I was astounded the other night when in the middle of my bating a guy walked around the corner. If I had been thinking clearly I'd have just been calm and stopped jerking and acted natural. I mean I was sitting at my desk, he couldn't see my cock, my headphones were in so he didn't hear the porn. But instead I was in horror-brain mode and I did not think. I was overwhelmed with terrible panic. When I saw him I bolted up immediately. He happened to turn around the corner at the worst possible moment. When I stood up I screamed/shrieked and yelled some sort of profanity, and I cummed all over my desk. Actually on my desk, my Ipad, my keyboard, and the floor.
The guy looked disgusted and astonished, mumbled some sort of apology and walked away.
I ran out the back exit crying and shrieking, cursing myself out loud.
When I got home I realized that not only had I not cleaned up my cummed up desk I had also left work with like an hour left of my shift.
Today I quit via voicemail.
I will never masturbate at work again. I am a stupid fuck. I am even thinking of moving to a new state. I have deleted my facebook and am changing my phone number.
BeeDelly: Too much chaos, too little time. I sense bullshit.
IPromiseImLegitimate: I just picture a guy with his dick in his hand, whipping it around while shrieking and cumming at the same time. Like some exorcist-style porno.
I agree though... I smell shit. *Bull*shit.
EpicRaptor: Well I smell cum
KindJester: So did his trash bin.
IPromiseImLegitimate: His 'cum dumpster', if you will...
duckmuffins: Cumbox.
| 7 | 28.285714 | |
1409419410 | 1409485632 | t3_2f0o6p | t5_2to41 | 40 | firstdayfuckup: TIFU: by showing my new lab mate Windows 8 live tiles
Some new friends and I were out for drinks last night. The evening was going great and we had all been talking and laughing for a couple of hours at this point.
Now, the girl sitting across from me is my soon-to-be mentor for a research project I'm about to begin and quite frankly, she's hot. This had been a little intimidating at first because she's older than I am, and seems to have her head on her shoulders much better than I do. She's a sweet and genuine girl and everyone has nothing but praise for her.
But hey, whatever, I'm a personable guy and at this point it had been weeks since we first met and started getting to know one another and I finally had gotten over the slight intimidation.
And then I showed her my new tablet.
**Some backstory:**
Days ago when I had first gotten this tablet, she noticed and was excited because she had been wanting one like it for some time now. "Awesome!" I thought, since now I had an easy conversation starter about computers, something I know.
But you know what isn't *awesome*? Windows 8 live tiles. More specifically, the photo album tile. Did you know the photo album tile randomly scrolls through your photos and displays them? Now you do. Turn that shit off *right fucking now*.
That said, I'm in a long distance relationship. My picture folders aren't always family friendly.
**Back to last night.**
At some point we started talking about computers and I'm thinking now would be a great time to whip out my tablet and show her how awesome it is. *Little did I know Windows 8 was planning to whip out something else.*
I turn it on and unlock it for her and hand it over. I almost always leave it in the desktop mode (you have the live tiles, or it can look like Windows 7) and she's looking through my internet pages. She's picking on me because I had Pintrest open and some other goofy stuff, and I'm feigning embarrassment and enjoying the back and forth.
**Then I fucked up.**
"Have you ever used Windows 8 before?" I asked.
"Why no I haven't," she said.
"It's pretty cool, you can press this button to open the live tiles."
She proceeds to open the tiles while I am watching her and the backside of my computer, smug as shit because I'm showing a hot girl something new and cool.
"Oh this is cool!" she says, smiling in wonderment. And then, "Who is that?... Oh... uh.. nevermind." The smile turned to an awkward concentrated face, not unlike the old "me gusta" meme, only lacking the "gusta" part.
Immediately I knew something was wrong. "What?" I asked and she replied "Oh nothing, don't worry about it." At this point my skin began to burn holes in my clothes and my pits turned into fire hydrants, blasting everyone around me in the face with the kind of musky sweat you get when you just know:
**She just found my dick pics.**
I stood up and leaned over to see what she was looking at, and there, on those mother fucking live tiles, was my dick at full attention. Loud and proud on the front page. Right there pointing slightly to the "How to make Vegetarian Portobello Burgers" tile, was my junk rigid and angry, like it was trying to tell us, "JUST LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING BURGERS, JUST FUCKING LOOK AT EM! FUCKING DELICIOUS"
I take the tablet back and immediately apologize and she just laughs and says don't worry about it. I close that shit up and put it back in my bag. Now everyone is wondering why I'm so red faced and embarrassed and she kind of plays it off the Pintrest thing and they all let it go after a few minutes.
Later she was in the drink line and looked at me, and I looked at her just shaking my head. She mouthed "Are you okay?" and I just shouted "OF COURSE I'M NOT OKAY!" only to prompt more questions from my newly acquainted friends.
The night goes on and I'm pretty sure she genuinely doesn't care all that much, but damn it's still embarrassing. Of course my roommate was there, and after telling him about it he started making live tile jokes to her. Damn.
**Moral of the story/TL;DR**
Tried to show pretty girl Windows 8 live tiles, Windows 8 live tiles showed her my dick. Turn off live tiles.
jri10551: It's like a movie preview for the upcoming blockbuster where you guys bang....
But really though, it doesn't seem like she minded too much and at least now she knows what you're working with, right?
firstdayfuckup: Yeah, my roomie said something to the effect of "Could have been worse, you could have been flaccid."
jri10551: Plz talk to her again and give update!
hamsterpantz: He's already in a relationship though
jri10551: Oh yeah...well I guess that ends that idea
rootup: Not really... I mean, he was enjoying the flirtation *because* she is hot. Guaranteed, if she implied that she was into the pics on the tiles, he'd think she's DTF and would pursue the chance.
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1409425684 | 1409592781 | t3_2f0xqj | t5_2to41 | 11 | I-Am-Ashamed-Of-It: TIFU by showing my friend my home-made sex doll (in the likeness of a co-worker).
There is a female co-worker of mine who I find to be very attractive and charming.
I bought a mannequin from ebay. What I do every month or so is buy up a bunch of deli meat in bulk, and I line the mannequin with the deli meat so that it can mimic flesh. I inserted a fleshlight into the groin of the mannequin. I put a wig on it that closely resembles my co-worker's hair. I printed out a large picture of her face and I cut it out and affix it to the mannequin face. I then take a heater and turn it on high and have it blow on the mannequin for like an hour. This warms up all the deli meat so it really feels like a person. Then I fuck the mannequin. It feels exactly what it would probably feel like to have sex, it's the greatest masturbation ever. It's expensive and time consuming so I only do it like once a month.
Anyways I was working on it last night, the heater was just starting to apply, and my friend came by. I was a bit drunk and for some reason I thought he'd be impressed by my work. I showed him.
Well. I miscalculated. He wasn't just not impressed he was "horrified". He made the most horrible facial expression when he saw it. He made me feel like I was shameful. He said I "needed help" and that he had to leave.
I am terrified that he is going to tell my co-worker about it. If he does, I'll quit my job.
I don't know what I was thinking by showing it him. I did fuck up there...
bkhizzy: I think you fucked up just by making the doll
I-Am-Ashamed-Of-It: Why? What's bad about it if I didn't show my friend?
YOLOdiem: The homemade sex doll you described is so creepy that I don't even believe you made it. This is a joke, right? RIGHT??? Please be a joke.
I-Am-Ashamed-Of-It: I honestly don't see how it is creepy...
bkhizzy: Show us a Pic, then we shall truly tell you if you're creepy or not.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1409425023 | 1409443328 | t3_2f0wpp | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my mom I was high.
This fuck up was actually yesterday.
A couple of friends and I wanted to go to the Swapmeet to try and find some stuff we needed. We smoke a joint before we get there, then we smoke another in the parking lot of the place. We get down and one of my friends asked if we knew the names to knitted beanies. We don't. So, I call my sister who owns like 5. Mid-call, I being high, hang up on accident. No biggie. I'll call back when we get inside. We pay, and walk in. Being high, we walk straight to the Churro cart. I decide to call my sister back.
This is where I fuck up. My messages open up, I click her name, or so I thought. I click call without checking who it is. They answer, I still think it's my sister.
Them: hello?
Me: yo dude, my bad. I'm high as fuck and hung up on accident.
*silence*
Them: this is your mother dummy!
Me: oh...
Them: yea! Hahahaha!
She then hangs up. I'm speechless...
TL;DR: called the wrong person. Said I was high as fuck. Had accidentally called my mom.
fellaphant: Doesn't sound like she cared.
Eerie_enigma: That's the thing though. When my mom gets upset, mad or sad, she'll hide it with a smile and a laugh. But, the way her eyes pierce your mind and soul, tell you everything. It's a death stare. The feared "mom stare".
| 3 | 3 | |
1409418512 | 1409444179 | t3_2f0mvx | t5_2to41 | 11 | PinkPrep: TIFU:by not taking the bed restraints off the bed...
Me and my boyfriend live just us and our pets.We are a young couple, that do what young people do. We don't have many people over or at least people that would go into our room. But the other day I had my sister (18) over to spend the night with me while my boyfriend was away. I walked into my bedroom to get a basket of clothes and she followed with the dog. She was playing with him and he was jumping around all crazy! (Now since we don't have company over much i just leave the restraints on the bed but tuck them under the bed and off to the sides) My dog keeps jumping around until he gets caught on something... the restraints! He pulls them out and there they are... just laying across the floor. My sister and I both stare at them (I'd forgotten they were on the bed in the first place).
She asks " What are those??"
I respond with "Oh i don't know, I didn't even know those were there!?"
I tuck them back under the bed all nonchalantly, as she adds "They look like the things that they use to keep crazy people strapped to their beds."
I know my sisters no dummy and knew what they were, so that's super embarrassing. There's my F*** up people... next time I'll put them away better that's for sure.
ZacharyW1993: I would be too that's just horrible
PinkPrep: but horribly funny lol. but yeah it totally sux i tried to keep them hidden.
ZacharyW1993: Lol, shit happens. She just knows you're a freak now xD.
PinkPrep: I know I didn't want y family knowing!!!
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1409427256 | 1409428867 | t3_2f104m | t5_2to41 | 158 | jbrown1477: NSFWish. TIFU by playing with a pig.
I work at an animal center and two days ago we got a pig impounded. I decided to go play with it for a little bit. I sat down with the little guy and he started playing by pushing his nose into me. No big deal. I sat down to get on his level and that was where I fucked up. He started climbing on my back, which I thought was hilariously ironic (piggybacking a pig). Then I felt something go down my arm. Then I saw it. Three inches of pig penis and his semen sliding down my arm. I feel violated.
Tl;dr I was humped by bacon.
BeeDelly: Love these posts.. Short and sweet. Or should I say salty.
Poz_Load: Like Marlon Brando's ass fat in BASEketball.
| 3 | 52.666667 | |
1409428748 | 1409452780 | t3_2f12c7 | t5_2to41 | 35 | Adamantium_JEB: TIFU by not locking up my stuff at the campsite at the Dave Mathews Band concert
Sooo my bud had an extra ticket for DMB camping trip this Labor Day weekend at the Gorge Amphitheater. Got roped into last minute. Figured it would be fun.
Got in last night, set up camp about 12 of us total, all buddies from work and whatnot.
Massive amounts of booze and grilling meat and red solo cups. the Gorge camping essentials.
Last night we all Get fucked up pretty good then make our way to the show at around 7.
We watch Dave Mathews do the Dave Mathews thing. (Not a fan at all).
I keep the booze train rolling along all night and eventually get separated with the bud I was hanging out with. FF an hour and I find him passed out at the EMT station. Made sure I got a selfie with him all passed out and shit , so I can make fun of him later naturally.
We all get back to the campsite and it turns out some really nice people went through and ganked anything not locked up , like 20 sites all up and down our camping row.
I personally got my bag of clothes and my pump to my air mattress stolen.(wtf?). But the kicker is that in my bag of clothes is my favorite piece of worn cloth known as a Shirt EVER. My Big Lebowski Dude shirt was jacked along with everything. Fuck no
Line in the sand. Cross it you do not
Soo here we are today, turns out everyone has shit missing. Some are missing speakers, wallets, and literally wardrobes worth of clothes just all swooped up while everybody is chilling at DMB
The Canadians next to us are totally chill about there 800 dollar Bluetooth massive stereo system being yoked.
Anyway after talking to a bunch of people we find out that one of the taken items was a guys android phone that has a tracking app on it. Boom
So that group Drives to the outside of the dirtbags house. (I'm at a target an hour away trying to get replacement clothes).
They get to the house knock on the door and I guess ask for their phone back. Someone throws a phone in the lawn I guess, and then two dudes take off real quick like. Group stays there and calls police.
I get texted to go to this address.
It's a little bit of a poor neighborhood. It's easily the ugliest yard in the block.
I'm here now.
Cop is worried about "intimidating the suspect". Fuck him
We have to move to park.
There still hope
My favorite shirt may not be lost
Adamantium_JEB: Total of 3 campsites have converged on home boys house. Cops are freaking out
Zerphblat: Is there an update? I'm curious as to if you got your shirt back.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1409424927 | 1409447176 | t3_2f0wka | t5_2to41 | 10 | TheBull585: TIFU by drinking 1.5L of apple juice!
This actually happened yesterday, but due to rule 10, I've posted it today.
Anyway...
I work at a supermarket, who shall remain nameless. I was meant to be working an 8 hour shift from 12 noon to 8pm. It got to 5pm and I was pretty shattered and ready for my break. I was feeling very hungry and thirsty so bought a ready meal and a 1.5L carton of apple juice. Over the course of my thirty minute break I finish both and all seems fine, I feel great!
I continue back to work, when 15 minutes later I need to fart. So I carefully push it out so there is no noise and no suspicion. This fart feels different though. I dash to the toilet and sit down, then I shit out apple juice, yes apple juice! I didn't know this was scientifically possible.
Baffled by what just happened I clean myself up and head back to work, 5 minutes later it happens again, I can tell it's coming and dash to the toilet once more. This happens about 5 times over the course of half an hour. At this point I'm getting weird looks and deciding whether to call it quits.
I go to my supervisor and say I'm not feeling well with a 'dodgy stomach' who lets me go home early. It took like about 11pm that evening before I could safely know I wasn't going to shit any more apple juice!
achaps81: Green apple splashes
djdes: Sounds like a Bath and Bodyworks flavor.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409428868 | 1409435997 | t3_2f12jd | t5_2to41 | 45 | Nokinokia: TIFU by trying to be like my friend.
It wasn't today, more when I was in grade six.
So when I was younger I had a friend who was two years older than I was and I always sort of looked up to her. She was actually really immature and kind of a bad influence but you don't know that when you're 12. One day she told me about how she got her entire class to chant "2:40 rape" and then dance around using pelvic thrusts and whatnot at 2:40 at the end of the school day. Basically your average stupid, insensitive eighth grader shenanigans.
This sparked an idea in my head that if I did that at my school, I would be hilarious and people would think I'm cool. So the next day I tell my friends about what she did and before I can say any more one of them says that our class should do it too. My friend starts telling everyone else in the class about it and everyone agrees that at 2:40 everyone will do it.
At that point I was starting to regret it and was getting really anxious. That day our class had been super loud and obnoxious and so my teacher (about 30 minutes before class ended) told us that if we were loud one more time we were all going to get detention. That's when I started to get really scared, because I knew that they couldn't be stopped. Everyone kept looking at the clock and whispering to each other. I looked at my friend and shook my head but he would 't listen.
Our teacher let us go to our lockers early. Oh no. That meant that all the other classes on the floor would hear. I quickly started telling people not to do it. No one was listening so I accepted our fate. The 2:40 bell rang and that's when all hell broke loose.
"2:40 RAPE!" Everyone except for me is thrusting their pelvis and chanting a horrendously offensive phrase. The teachers just stood their with their mouths open, unable to fully understand why everyone was doing what they were doing. They manage to get all the kids to stop. Our scary english teacher comes out yellinat eveyone, asking who is responsible. I had been holding my breath the entire time, I knew everything was over for me. But then everyone started saying that my friend was the one who had told them to do it. I remembered that I had never actually suggested to do it. My friend had detention for a week, the entire class had to write lines, and I was free. The teachers had seen me do nothing so they let me off. No one ever found out it was me.
TDLR; indadvertedly started a riot that got everyone except for me in trouble
doge_apprentice: "TDLR; indadvertedly started a riot that got everyone except for me in trouble"
Hm, where have I heard this before?
[deleted]: DAMMIT FERGUSON
| 3 | 15 | |
1409430522 | 1409549588 | t3_2f14z7 | t5_2to41 | 147 | Jetting: TIFU By Edging for too long
In case you're unfamiliar, "edging" is the term used to describe masturbating to a certain point and then stopping right before climax, only to resume again to near climax, then stopping for another break. It teaches discipline in terms of making it easier to not blow your load too soon during sexy times and makes for a hell of an ejaculation.
Rewind to when I was 15 and constantly masturbating in my father's basement. I would spend most of my days of the summer time in my room just watching porn and playing video games. One night I got really creative and decided that I would spend some great amount of time edging so I could have an amazing orgasm. I started around 10pm by masturbating and taking breaks to play video games. I'd say I would masturbate to near climax for a 15 or so minute break before resuming. This went on till 3am. That's five hours of blue-ballin' myself and depriving release. I was so naive and didn't realize what I had done, the torment I had just unleashed unto myself.
Getting late, I decided to light some candles in my room to set the mood for this climax to end all climaxes. I start hammering away and things get really intense, so I stand up and brace myself with one arm on my desk chair. I'm really working at it while taking in my candle lit room and anticipating the amazing pleasure I'm about to enjoy. Then it hits me. It didn't feel like being punched in the stomach, rather it felt like a giant stone in my chest slammed down into my bladder, inexplicably. An eruption of jizz shot out of me, across the room. For a split second things kind of slow down and I'm amazed by the force of the cum rocketing out of my pork sword. Then the pain in my bladder becomes so severe, that I drop to my knees in the candle light. I feel overcome with intense weakness and collapse into my own landing strip of cum.
It takes a few minutes before I can even gather the strength to pull myself up and run into the shower to bathe myself. Let this be a warning to all. Edging is great, but I think I caused some serious internal damage that day.
tl;dr: Edged during masturbation for 5 hours, came with such force that I fell to my knees and landed in my own cum
WizardryAwaits: Edging in general isn't a great idea. If you try to hold it in after the point of no return you can give yourself retrograde ejaculation, whereby the semen goes into the bladder instead of out your urethra.
[deleted]: But if I'm female, is it safe?
WizardryAwaits: There's no such thing as edging for girls.
jennybennypenny: Girls can also edge.
Source: I am a girl.
WizardryAwaits: To what end?
courtoftheair: We have orgasms too.
WizardryAwaits: You don't ejaculate though. Do your orgasms get more powerful if you stop just before? Can you even?
courtoftheair: They get way more intense.
You've never heard of female ejaculation?
| 9 | 16.333333 | |
1409430043 | 1409508409 | t3_2f14a7 | t5_2to41 | 29 | HopelessSemantic: TIFU by procrastinating about my birth control.
No, I'm not pregnant. Well, actually, it's possible, but that's not related to this particular fuckup. Moving on.
So, I've had Mirena for the past five years. It was due to get taken out in late July. So I called shortly before it was supposed to be taken out, and my doctor couldn't fit me in until late August. I asked if it would be a problem for it to be in there an extra month, and the lady on the phone said probably not, but they'd call me if there was an issue. No one called.
Fast forward to yesterday when I had my appointment. The NP gets everything set, and says that removal should be easy, she just needs to pull the string. A minute or two of poking around, and she informs me that she cannot find the string. I was in the office for a pap four months ago and it was visible during the examination, but apparently sometimes if they're left in too long, the string can go up inside the cervix. Terrific. I would have considered that a problem if it had been mentioned when I'd called to schedule the appointment.
So a bit more poking around, and she still can't find it. Then she grabs one of the things they use for a pap smear, and scrapes that along trying to find the string. No luck.
She goes out and talks to the doctor, then comes back with what looks like a very long mascara wand, and turns out to be what they used to use for pap smears. She says she's going to try to twist that around down there and see if she can get the string. Great!
Several more minutes pass, and she says "I see it!" followed by another few minutes of twisting, scraping and prodding. At the end of this, she says "Nope. I lost it."
So, yeah, it's still up in there, and now my vagina hurts. She said I need to come back on a Tuesday when the ultrasound tech is there, so they can get some guidance in getting it out. Do you think they could fit me in next tuesday? No, of course not. I have to wait a week and a half.
TL;DR - IUD decided to hide out in my uterus. Further probing is needed.
Edit: Forgot the best part. If they can't get it out with the help of the ultrasound, I get to have it surgically removed.
pixelated_fun: More women need to be made aware of these complications. Instead, these things are sold as lollipops and rainbows.
HopelessSemantic: Honestly, I still think Mirena is great and would get it again, and I'd still recommend it to others. It was great to have five years of no periods and not have to worry about screwing it up. It just would've been nice if I'd been warned that if it was in too long, I could end up in this situation. I would've gotten it out when I'd had my pap smear if I'd known it was a risk, since it only would've been a few months early and I'd rather be safe than sorry.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1409429982 | 1409464971 | t3_2f146h | t5_2to41 | -2 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to steal bugspray from WalMart
Alright so i go over to my friends house couple days ago he lives by a walmart. Walking distance. So after we plan on buying some pot later that night, we go and buy some cigarrillos from the local liquer shop. After that we (me and 3 others) go get a bite to eat and head to walmart to get bugspray from there. (We go smoking in the woods).
So something bout this walmart, there is a very big security "guy" that pretends to shop around walmart and always stalks me and one of my friends. Everytime. But this was different. He was stalking us half the time and half not stalking. So i decide to quickly put the bug spray in my bag. My friends leave first while i goto a atm to get cash for later that night. As soon as i walk out i get busted. I tried claiming it was mine (idiot move) but no help. Anyway after saying they were charging me 50 bucks for the spray. I thought it was over.
But since i didnt have my id on me they had to call the PD. Sweet. So. I knew the cop was gonna search me and find the cigarrillos and the bowl still in my bag. Fuck. I claimed my friend (didnt say a name) gave them to me cuz i had a bag on.
After 4 hours of waiting the cop shows up. Searches my bag and searched the cigarrillos to check there was no weed in it. I just empty my pockets out and give him the bowl.
After all of that we go down to the PD and get me all signed into the records.
Mom shows up and the cop said he wasnt charging me for the cigarrillos and the bowl and just for stealing. Thank god. But wait theres more :). My mom asks to give me a drug test (parents found stash) and i somehow passed even tho i smoked last week many times. She then also asks for 2 more tests for herself to test me later...
Sooo no more pot for awhile (until she runs out of tests) and also got 90 day probation. Could have went worse i guess...
letopseyturv: I already baught like 4 of them :/
horseface312: *bought. FTFY.
that's still no excuse, sorry. You're lucky that you didn't get in worse trouble, so learn from your mistake and stop stealin' shit.
| 3 | -0.666667 |
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