start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1353273218 | 1353297480 | null | t5_2to41 | 163 | YYURYYUBICURYY4ME: TIFU DIY
My wife and I always wanted to replace these ugly green glass panels on either side of our front door. We found the perfect replacement glass windows at a thrift store and about $200 in materials and two days of hard work later, I was installing the last piece of moulding on the windows, when I nicked one with a trim nail. I'm sure the whole cul-de-sac heard my F-bomb as the glass shattered like my hopes and dreams. TIFU DIY.
JustLetMeComment: Could be worse. Never DIY car repair when you are pressed for time.....
LordXenu40: We need the story now, what was your fuck up lol
JustLetMeComment: It was an almost fuck up. Car came down when attaching the third-to-last skidplate bolt, I turned my head sideways and had less than a mm of clearance. Dad came out (he has all the tools) and jack the car back up so I could get out.
commandx: Jackstands.
Never stick your head under a car being held up only by a jack.
JustLetMeComment: Well, I know that now! I'm lucky that it was a Forester (lifted sedan to qualify as an SUV) and not an Outback (regular ride height wagon).
| 6 | 27.166667 | |
1353281471 | 1353463221 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | bofh420_1: TIFU - I created an account on ashely madison, place for cheating men and women to find each other. I deleted my account without buying credits or responding to anyone. Here is my letter to their customer service.
Hello, I guess it is my fault for even thinking about creating an account on Ashley Madison. I created it because I have chronic pain and I need to talk to someone other than my friends and family as they already know and do not provide the comfort I need. I specifically indicated that I wanted a non sexual relationship.
I decided that I was just feeling lonely at the time and did not purchase credits to talk to anyone. So when I went to delete my account I was surprised that I had to pay $19.00 US to have my account deleted.
I work in IT and know you have a script to delete the account just like any other IT office in any company.Forcing people to pay for deletion of their account, in my opinion, is extortion. I am sure that it is in the long TOS, that I and almost everyone else never read.
Once again, this is my fault I learned a lesson for $19.00 US. But your use of, in my opinion, extortion to remove my account is despicable.
Thank you for teaching me a lesson.
**EDIT**- I told my wife this evening. She cried a little but I showed her screenshots of my profile information where it indicated that I just wanted talk to someone and that it would never be sexual. We have talked quite a few times about me feeling bad for unloading all the pent up anger about never being without pain or feeling like I am slowly wearing away at her until she just cannot take anymore. She came back with "after 11 years don't you think I would have left sooner?"
Judge if you want to. It is your own shortcomings that you fear.
bippyz: Technically they're covered by their ToS which says fuck you, we charge what we want.
However... Can you change your email for free?
bofh420_1: I could change that but I wanted the account completely wiped.
bippyz: I read up on this.. It's not really extortion, nor criminal. The best that you might be able to do is a group lawsuit. They're banking on people being too embarrassed to bother.
bofh420_1: In the post I tell them I paid 19.00 for a lesson learned.
| 5 | 5 | |
1353301023 | 1353354768 | null | t5_2to41 | 679 | ozi_kaninchen: TIFU by pissing on a stranger and showing him my penis..
Well, last Friday I was circumcised and things aren't normal down there.. It's quite hard to get used to the sensitivity. I had been inside all weekend with no pants on, so today I summoned the courage (aka paracetamol and codeine) to go out with a friend and sit by the sea.
All was well until I had to pee, so I quickly shuffled into the nearby public toilets. I opted for the long urinal on the basis that I would have more room to move (I'm quite tall) and that accuracy wasn't an issue. There was a guy already there, and in hindsight I should have waited for him to go.
As I released my golden stream, it literally went sideways towards him, splashing him on the shoe and partially on the leg. I then quickly adjusted my stance to face into the corner (again, should have done this in the first place) so I wouldn't piss on him any more than I already had. He noticed immediately didn't seem best pleased with the situation. In order to explain myself, I ended up just showing him the stitches I have whilst apologizing profusely.
He just laughed and shrugged it off in the end, but I am still pretty embarrassed. I don't think I can use a multi person urinal ever again. TIFU.
**TL;DR:** My broken dick made a stranger wet.
**Edit:** [Link](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13aof7/tifu_fucking_no_fap/c729h0i?context=3) to a previous comment explaining my circumcision. In short, pre-existing Phimosis lead to a condition called BXO after many sexy times.
[deleted]: What an awkward excuse. "I'm sorry man, i didnt mean it, really. Here... look at my penis. See the stitches?"
airnoone: LOOK AT MAH DICK
Neebat: MAH DICK IS AMAZIN!
TheAmazingTaco: GIVE IT A LICK!
jellytime: IT TASTES JUST LIKE RAISINS!
chiniwini: FREE APPLEJUICE!
Mishone: Ruined it, bro
| 8 | 84.875 | |
1353299388 | 1353450981 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my shop unlocked.
I work at a hotel and usually have my shop locked when I'm not in there. Today I had to do a shuttle run, a mile away. We have 2 extra Tv's (42")stored in the shop. When I got back from the shuttle run. One was gone. I flipped shot, calling my supervisor. Nothing to be done. We don't have cameras on our property.
GeneticDream: Where are you located? Sounds like you need some cameras.
RAPE_FLUTE: West of cleveland. Our property won't put cameras in because " we would be liable" for shit that happens. Or something like that.
GeneticDream: Perhaps the laws in Cleveland are different, but at least here in Chicago you're liable no matter what. With cameras you at least have video record of what happened. Especially helpful when assholes try to pin injury suits on businesses. Nothing better than seeing people casually lie down in an aisle, contort their bodies then start yelling for help.
RAPE_FLUTE: Maybe, but my boss dropped the issue pretty quick, when I asked before if we could or would get cameras. But yeah, for the two years I've been there we've only had one lawsuit where a lady slipped on ice and broke her arm. Which she rightfully won.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Hmmn...Your boss dropped the issue quickly and there is only one missing. Why would a thief leave the other tv? Perhaps *someone* wanted to watch the Thanksgiving football games on a brand new 42"?
RAPE_FLUTE: Haha no, I asked if we were ever going to get cameras a couple months ago and she said we'd be liable and dismissed the subject.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Sounds like you have a cool boss. My boss finds ways to blame me.
RAPE_FLUTE: Yeah, he's probably the best boss I will ever have. He just makes fun of everyone, myself included, which every workplace needs and isn't afraid to say " hey, that's fucking stupid and it won't work" always funny to hear his sides of arguments.
| 9 | 5 | |
1353312675 | 1353512412 | null | t5_2to41 | 460 | Sageypie: TIFU by drawing the Operator symbol in the dust of some machines I work with at work.
Basically the backstory is, at my job we're supposed to have this cleaning crew that comes in after us and cleans off all the machines. Whole point of having them. Lately, however, there's been a lot of complaints about things just not being cleaned, which leaves us doing it more often than not, and our cleaning ends up being the only bits that really get done. End result is we complain to higher ups, and they ignore it, so some of us end up drawing things in the dust (smiley-faces and whatnot) to kind of see how long it takes before it's cleaned up. That said.
TIFU by drawing the Operator symbol (from the slenderman mythos) in the dust covering some of the machines I'm around. Well, several symbols. I was bored, didn't think much of it, and was a bit peeved at how much dust there was after I'd spent several hours cleaning it completely the week before. Twist is that my boss is apparently pretty savvy on the slenderman stuff, and is now thoroughly freaked the hell out and being super paranoid. Ended up having to clean everything, but they don't actually know I did it, they just wanted the symbols gone. So yeah, was forced to clean like hell and now my boss thinks some kind of otherworldly monster is going to kill them...or...you know, whatever the hell slenderman does.
MandatorilyMatutinal: So you fucked up by having a moron for a boss? Most of us fuck up like that daily.
Sageypie: Yeah, but more that I fed their neuroticism.
niftyben: Feed it. Feed it well. Your boss may be in charge, but he's not in control.
stokleplinger: Dance, my puppet! DANCE!!!
darthelmo: *Cue evil laugh*.
| 6 | 76.666667 | |
1353320353 | 1353367587 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | fish_kicker: TIFU and shattered the screen on my fairly new Atrix
Getting out of the car at work, hands full attempting to read an email that was not terribly important. Phone slipped, landed face down, and that gut wrenching feeling took over. Yep. Shattered. Luckily, it still works. And luckily I thought enough to get insurance on the damn thing.
taylorbcool: It's okay. The Atrix is a terrible phone anyway.
fish_kicker: Why? I swapped from iPhone to it and I like it? Am I missing something?
Scantraxx12: Yes, yes you are..... you are missing the new iOS version 6.1.
taylorbcool: Dem Apple Maps.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1353323788 | 1353359674 | null | t5_2to41 | 410 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants at work.
I was waiting tables and had to poop but it was busy so I had to hold it. Well, I guess I couldn't hold it so I shat myself as I was speed walking to the bathroom. Thankfully it was contained in my boxers but I had tables waiting on me. So I cleaned up as fast as I could, took off my boxers, threw them away, and went back out to let my manager know I was "sick". It took another 45 min for me to finally leave because I had to finnish up with my tables. Pretty sure I smelled like diarrhea because one of the kids mentioned that something smelled "really bad".
EDIT: Oh, and when I got home there was a little bit in my pants.
[deleted]: resetting the counter again..
GammaGrace: This counter should be on the sidebar... Ugh...
canipaybycheck: Check the sidebar now
Octopus_Tetris: Did this come up just now, or has it always been there?
canipaybycheck: I just made it.
Probably won't keep it there for too long though.
Octopus_Tetris: Cool, gw!
| 7 | 58.571429 | |
1353330725 | 1353368695 | null | t5_2to41 | 168 | Lolacaust: TIFU by brushing my teeth with benzoyl peroxide acne cream
[This one in particular](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4a/Benzoyl_peroxide_gel.jpg) 4 hours in and I feel fine though I'm now downing pints of water to flush my system, the paranoid person in me is reading what the adverse effects of this could be FML
Edit what happened was, I was exceptionally sleepy this morning after a 5 hour drive last night, I stumbled into the bathroom and grabbed what looked like my [sensitive teeth tooth paste](http://sensodynecoupons.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/sensodyne-coupons.jpg) They looked the same from behind and they both tasted similar too, I only realised when my brother mentioned later on today that we where out of toothpaste
Odilism: Can we get an explanation why you did this?
Lolacaust: I was exceptionally sleepy this morning after a 5 hour drive last night, I stumbled into the bathroom and grabbed what looked like my [sensitive teeth tooth paste](http://sensodynecoupons.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/sensodyne-coupons.jpg) They looked the same from behind and they both tasted similar too, I only realised when my brother mentioned later on today that we where out of toothpaste
qu1ckbeam: How in the shit do they taste similar?
Alix_Chris: Sensodyne doesnt really tast of anything so i can kind of see where he's coming from.
qu1ckbeam: Bummer. The last time I used Sensodyne it tasted like cinnamon deliciousness.
Lolacaust: I honestly wish it tasted like cinnamon goodness! It tastes like mentol and metal to me :(
| 7 | 24 | |
1353303519 | 1353398999 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU - Texted my GF to say i was going to smoke with my friend, accidentally sent it to my mom
Minime2000: Plot twist: GF is mom.
thecreator666: plot twist the entire experiences was part of a trip and didnt really happen
Minime2000: Plot twist: He was on acid.
| 4 | 9 | |
1353339805 | 1353526774 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | BRNZ42: TIFU and turned by dog into a puke machine
So I was at the grocery store and in the pet section and saw this awesome looking bone. It was gristley and meaty and I thought my dog would like it. I was right.
My dog loved it. Loved the shit out of it. Loved it so much that he demolished the bone and ate it. Not just the meaty stuff on the outside. He *ate the entire bone.* I was surprised, but he seemed just fine.
Until I wake up this morning to the house covered in puke, and my dog leaking from both ends. Lesson learned.
TWAT_ROCKETS: my dog fires poop pellets if he eats ribs.
littlestblue: DONT feed yer animals cooked bones. they break into small splinter and chunks way to easy.
LETS_PLAY_SANDWICH: If they're from a pet store, it's ok. Don't give your dog bones from things that you eat. These will splinter and break into shards, probably killing your dog in the digestion process
odoriferous: > If they're from a pet store, it's ok
That's not a good generalization to make. Just because it came from a pet store doesn't mean a dog can't swallow it whole. Nor does it mean the entire product is intended for consumption, e.g. some places may sell real meat/bone treats. What makes things safer is use consistent with their intended purpose, i.e. read and observe product labeling, or consult with an expert if unsure.
littlestblue: raw-hides where it's at.
/rant
| 6 | 15.333333 | |
1353359243 | 1353380717 | null | t5_2to41 | 756 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my new girlfriend by my ex-wife's name. In bed. Twice.
'Nuff said.
Anotherfuckwit: Could have been worse... "Oh, yes, use your tongue, oh, yes, Colby. Lick them balls, Colby, lick 'em good,"
gslangley_3: damn it! i thought we were past this....free colby
hbomberman: nevar4get
pricelessNZ: nevar5get
hbomberman: (dat means more den 4get)
pricelessNZ: lyk dis if u cry evrytim
hbomberman: literally, no
| 8 | 94.5 | |
1353371815 | 1353430938 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | Grimgnight: TIFU By dropping a table leaf on my foot...
It was actually yesterday, but i was given some strong stuff to knock me out for pain, so yeah...
But anyways, i was carrying a solid oak table leaf (the thing that goes in the middle of the table so you can expand the table) by myself and I managed to trip and drop it directly on my foot. The bones in my big-toe area are cracked, one or two of them chipped, and when it happend it HURT. Lucky me, i now get to be on crutches for the next 4-6 weeks... haha
Minime2000: Plot twist: crutch's give you super strength, all of a sudden TIWAL (Today I won at life)
stevefigjam: I've always wanted to learn some Crutch Tricks!!
| 3 | 6 | |
1353385290 | 1353637243 | null | t5_2to41 | 302 | lucy__b: TIFU by drunkenly going to my ex's house in the middle of the night...
...and putting myself in his bed. He wasn't home. When he got home, he politely asked me to leave. I politely got dressed and walked 2 miles home. At 4am. In the middle of a rain storm.
I can honestly say I'm wtfing all over myself right now.
eta: I'm fine with the fact that he didn't give me a ride home. First, he doesn't have a car. Second, I needed that walk to really hit home how much I'd fucked up.
[deleted]: You poor thing. So sorry to hear that darling.
But, you know...at least he didn't come back with another girl.
lucy__b: Poor thing? I'm a fucking psychotic person. Who does that? Who? O_O
[deleted]: Well...yeah. How DID you get into his house anyway?
lucy__b: No one locks their doors around here.
helloelan: how long ago did you break up? lol
lucy__b: September.
helloelan: I feel sorry for both of you!
lucy__b: Nah, don't. He invited me over the next night. So, yeah.
boccy: Oooh, in a good way? To talk or to ask WTF?
lucy__b: We talked. A lot of I love you's were exchanged. And then we went to sleep. The next morning he told me he was really confused; that he meant everything he'd said, but that he doesn't know what path his life is taking. The next day he called and he was worried that he'd hurt me, apologizing if he had. So, I don't really know what to do or feel at this point.
gef21: Just give him time, he'll know what he wants eventually.
Source: I'm male.
lucy__b: Hehehe... thanks :) He knows what I'd like. Now he just needs to decide what he wants. Until he's definitive, I'm just going to be his friend. That doesn't go to his house uninvited. :)
gef21: Sounds like a plan, especially the last bit
| 14 | 21.571429 | |
1353399404 | 1353430667 | null | t5_2to41 | 174 | [deleted]: TIFU by ignoring the golden rule when it comes to anal sex.
"Never trust a fart after anal sex".
Liquid poo. Everywhere.
avalanche21: What a shitty situation.
[deleted]: Come on dude. I read this exact comment in every thread...
Mech1: And this yet another 'I shit myself' post on TIFU. Time to reset the counter. I don't think we made it a whole day this time.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Do we *ever* make it a whole day?
Octopus_Tetris: Yeah, I think it was 4 days until some guy crapped his pants at work yesterday.
stevefigjam: Yeah this is true, but i think its a first that we had 2 anal sex 'TIFU' in 1 day... but, im getting kinda sick of the shitting yourself stories - when will people learn?
| 7 | 24.857143 | |
1353406042 | 1354019598 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | MegatronStarscream: TIFU by doing nothing all day and not even going to sleep until past 6am AGAIN.
I'm not sure if this is the typical TIFU. I'm having a lot of problems with depression, and my physical and mental health. I think I have agoraphobia, in any case I am ap retty big shut in. I know I'd feel better if I went to sleep, especially becuase I've had a sinus infection for a year now!! But I just don't like sleeping. I have to go upstairs to sleep, but I'm too sick and my ears will get sore if I go upstairs becuase it's too stale and electric heaters are used up tehre and I don't have an air purifier up there and a lot of other stuff like that.
I know I have to get an x-ray but I find it too anxiety ridden to go or I totally would have no medical issues at all right now.
I have severe anxiety issues that prevent me from getting help and Aspergers (high functioning autism) REALLY makes it difficult to keep a routine, becuas I'll get anxious about everything I do or don't do. I was stuck in a group home becuase of that (I should not have been there) and now I get fucked up about almost anything around my house.
I know I'd feel better if I just went to sleep but for some reason I like to stay up past the point of exhaustion online. :/ I hate to think of myself as an itnernet addict, I just get too focused in whatever I do if I enjoy it. (Executive brain dysfunction I think is the name of it.)
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: > or I totally would have no medical issues at all right now.
**Everything** that you said here, except for the sinus infection, is a symptom of Asperger's Syndrome. This is not a fuck up and unfortunately there are no known treatments. Why don't you do a little research on pervasive developmental disorders as well. I have a friend with Asperger's and the only advice that I can give you is to try to *slowly* work through these issues. Try to just go outside for short periods of time or you could try to take a train and *not* search for the empty car. Find a train car with a few people in it and sit in their vicinity. Video games are also helpful to improve your eye hand coordination.
MegatronStarscream: I'm pretty aware about my Aspergers. It's just that when I was 15 I tried to get help for that and I ended up getting treatment from very bad psychiatrists. That went on until about last year and I'm 22 now. I know that my anxiety is a lot worse from it. I ended up living in a lot of shitty psychiatric wards with literal crazy people which did not help my anxiety.
Actually now that I think about it the medication I'm on plays a huge part in my sleep disturbances. I tried to get help and got stuck in a psych ward where I was almost killed, so it's very hard to get help now. It's pretty fucked up.
I do finally have a proper doctor though. I have the name of a new psychiatrist that I want to work with but it's really hard to go see her. I don't know specifically what she does but she is aware about the Aspergers part and can do things to help treat the trauma. It's just been almost a year since I got sick and since my previous bad therapist quit on me so it's going to take a lot of willpower.
Also, from talking to some people on some related subreddits to Autism, I found out that sickness and even sinus infections seem common. I don't know if it's confirmation bias but low immune system comes with anxiety disorders which can be related and caused by Aspergers. It comes with the territory. It's a very shitty territory though.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Sorry to hear that you had a bad therapist that quit on you. That therapist should **not** be allowed to practice anymore! I'm glad you have finally have a doctor that knows Aspergers. I know it's hard, but please try to muster the strength to see the new therapist as well.
As a side note, my friend takes melatonin to try to aid with his sleeping problems and he recently went to a [sleep study](http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/slpst/) to try to determine if his lack of sleep was a result of Aspergers or another underlying problem amplified by Aspergers. He is also currently working on his Psy.D and has learned a lot about himself as well.
I wish you the best of luck and try to remember that there are people out there that truly do care.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1353414457 | 1353767492 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Sebby12345XD: TIFU by getting too high and accidentally eating pills.
A few friends and I had been smoking up all night. It was getting quite late, and we were all very high and very tired, but we had BattleField 3, Monster and endless food to entertain us.
My friend picks up a packet of mints and offers me one. We both one in our mouths and start chewing. We were chewing for a good ten second before the most awful taste to have ever reached my tastebuds attacked me. It was like a mixture of bad feet and rotten cabbage. My friend and I both ran to the bathroom to wash our mouths out to find our teeth were caked in black crud. Turns out the 'mints' my friend had picked up were actually [Kalms](http://i.imgur.com/cGC1B.jpg). I imagine the taste and the black stuff were there to stop people from munching their way through them. It was disgusting and it took ages to get the taste out of my mouth.
ManWithDominantClaw: Today you did fuck up.
You posted a TIFU without the FU.
I mean, all things being relative, I'm sure lesser Fuck Ups hold greater significance with someone who has never had to end a long-term relationship, or accidentally caused considerable damage and pain to their body, or endangered the safety or relationship of a close friend, but I'm really struggling to see anything more than a minor inconvenience.
So walk me through it.
Events prior: Your friend bought a box of 64 Kalms and handed you one over-the-counter natural relaxation tablet.
Incident: You chewed on it.
Aftermath: It tasted bad for longer than usual.
So going by the basic assumption that you can trust your friends enough to not have to check exchanged food, it's really his Fuck Up for buying them. But there's more. Even stretching the furthest reaches of my empathy, I can't envision a life so devoid of pain where such an aftermath is considered a Fuck Up. You don't bite your tongue? You've never stubbed your toe? Surely these are more Reddit-worthy experiences.
Whenever I consider a TIFU, I think to myself, if a token black guy burst in with impeccable comic timing and exclaimed, "Man, you fucked up," would it be appropriate?
In this case, no.
Tl;dr: Trees make things seem much more significant, like your night, or this post.
avalanche21: Thanks. You saved me some typing.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1353420910 | 1353453933 | null | t5_2to41 | 208 | todayishatmyself: TIFU by shitting myself during anal sex
Anotherfuckwit: To be fair, if someone said to me, "I'm gonna fuck you up the ass!" I think I'd shit myself too.
[deleted]: I read "I'm gonna fuck you up the ass!" in [this style.] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRd2jKapDqA)
jvdave23: Bitchhhhh
[deleted]: That's my favorite part of the entire conversation. I've made it my duty to say 'bitch' exactly like that for the rest of my life.
| 5 | 41.6 | |
1353428419 | 1353430895 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Katantunoro: TIFU by knocking down a kid, not realising, and then walking away.
Ok, I was walking down my street, which has a school at the bottom. The little tykes where getting out and many children and adults where passing by. A crowd of 6 kids are going into the car, and I walk by saying excuse me with an earphone in. I hear crying, and from behind me I hear "Oi you stupid man!" from this woman. I look behind me and she says "Look what you did!". I then begin to apologise profusely and she says "Alright" whilst she was still incredibly angry, and I'm still wandering how I didn't hear a kid hitting the pavement. The kid was fine luckily, but I still feel like an absolute idiot. So Reddit, today I fucked up.
stevefigjam: Why did the mother say that too you? It's not like you wanted to tackle a small child?
Katantunoro: The kid's head DID hit a wall so... ugh. I think she was just angry. Mother's protection and all that.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1353429854 | 1353446382 | null | t5_2to41 | 356 | saladblaster: TIFU and probably destroyed my kidneys.
Actually it was last Friday, but in a very drunken episode decided before going to bed to take a handful of probably 16 Motrin and the last one of my Tylenol 3's. The next day I felt groggy as hell but figured that was the worst of it. Over the past couple days my kidneys have been in severe pain. The only reason I haven't went to a doctor is I figure if I made it this far there probably isn't much more they can do for me, so why waste their time. It's not like I can puke it up anymore.
That was probably the stupidest fucking thing I could have done.
**Edit** Well, at least now I know what's up. Doctor said chances are my stomach would feel shitty for a few days (which it has) but other than that there should be no permanent harm done. He prescribed an anti-inflammatory because when I showed him where it hurt he said it definitely was inflamed but he didn't think it was because of that, he thought because I maybe slipped and jarred something in that part of my back. He said to just keep drinking a ton of water, what was ingested has likely already all been flushed out. I'm not a doctor so whatever, all I know is I hope I can get more than a couple hours of sleep tonight. At least I know my kidneys aren't going to explode.
**Edit 2** Thank you hivemind for pushing me to actually go, even if a huge portion of the response was "you fucking moron!" (which I don't deny). I definitely wouldn't have otherwise.
The_Automator22: Holy shit, sorry to hear that. What did the doctor say?
[deleted]: He didn't go since he didn't want to waste their time...
He is an idiot that Darwin is going to award a metal to if he doesn't fucking go in.
tchetelat: Silver metal? Gold metal?
[deleted]: The darwin award is one given to people who are so stupid they remove themselves from the evolutionary tree, and we thank them for it.
If this guy dies because of this then I think he qualifies.
tchetelat: I'm quite clear on the Darwin Awards. I was just having a little fun with this fine gentleman's use of metal/medal.
[deleted]: awww damn...
Didn't notice that hahahaha.
Well shit...
I think I need a Darwin award myself 0.o
tchetelat: It happens! Upvoted and such.
| 8 | 44.5 | |
1353440050 | 1353449359 | t3_13irbg | t5_2to41 | 62 | Pockets6794: If I had to choose a cereal to eat naked while my mum watched, it would be Coco Pops. Good job.
17Hongo: My mum doesn't approve of coco pops. I'd go for some Fruit 'n Fibre.
David_mcnasty: You mean Fruit Loops?
[deleted]: [Fruit loops](http://i.imgur.com/9qsOD.jpg) and [fruit n fibre](http://i.imgur.com/wo9JC.jpg) are at the opposite ends of the cereal spectrum. If they ever came into contact they'd explode.
BareBahr: So more like [Raisin Bran](http://www.thefashionablehousewife.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/cereal.jpg)?
[deleted]: Pretty much. Fruit 'n fibre has a few more kinds of fruit in it but apart from that, yeah.
BareBahr: Now you're going to tell me that the fruit *isn't* coated in sugar? It's like you want your cereal to be healthy or something.
[deleted]: Dried fruit is basically sugar and fibre. It'll make you fat but at least you'll shit.
| 8 | 7.75 | |
1353441205 | 1354675754 | null | t5_2to41 | 121 | juanl09: TIFU Bought a ticket to Ukraine
I met this girl in chat roulette and we ended up talking for hours until I had gotten her facebook. We would keep talking for months and eventually we ended up talking about the possibility of seeing each other in person. She had told me she was coming to the United States in a program from her school and we would be able to have our first face to face date. This unfortunately wouldn't happen until over a year from now. I decided to buy a ticket and go visit her. I had gotten my passport and enough cash to visit her and explore a little of Ukraine.
I barely told my friends about it and they had all told me she will be some kind of person that would kidnap me and kill me for my organs. I am Mexican and I don't know if that would also sit well in Ukraine. I don't know what to do. The flight is in a week.
McBullseye: I come from a very blue collar family that hasn't seen much outside of the hills of Pennsylvania. I travel quite a bit for work and pleasure including other countries. My family always warns me about getting kidnapped in Mexico, shot in Brazil, or my organs stolen in Venezuela. If you travel you will occasionally experience WTF moments and you should keep your wits about you. But don't listen to these old wives tales from people that have never even been to your destination. If you are afraid to experience life you won't truly live.
I haven't been to the Ukraine. I have however been to Poland and it was very friendly with a surprising lack of amateur surgeons trying to harvest my body. You'll be fine. Just keep your wits about you, respect that you are in a foreign country with different laws and customs, do a little research up front, and don't be stupid.
gerusz: Poland and Ukraine are *very* different.
SimpleGeologist: I've got Polish blood, but I've never left North America. Have you been to both Poland and the Ukraine? If so, What are they like? How to they compare? Got any dirt I can use to make fun of my Ukulele friends?
facewhatface: Haven't been, but apparently I have a policy of only ever making friends with Slavic people, so I can tell you: don't eat the cherries in Poland.
SimpleGeologist: That's way too cryptic to not elaborate a bit for me. Please?
facewhatface: I had a conversation with a Polish woman I know about accidentally eating bugs, and she said something along the lines of "Well, it's not really any different from eating a cherry, is it? You know, because of the worms?"
She was shocked to find out that in America, there are not always worms in cherries.
UrbanTactician: She must have been talking about fresh picked cherries.
Been to Poland many times in my life and once in Ukraine. Pretty comparable, but Ukraine seems "simpler".
Both countries have started to invest more money into themselves, and the main thing that held them back was communism.
When I travel to Poland, from the US, I hardly notice a difference in terms of technology and livability comfort.
facewhatface: If I were to guess, I'd say it's probably due to different agricultural practices and use/nonuse of pesticides. Of course, I'm no expert, so that's just speculation
| 9 | 13.444444 | |
1353446945 | 1353463151 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | SargeKroell5: TIFU By opening a r/gonewild link at school
Today, in my online English class (students who do online courses are to be in a computer lab for the block where that class is) and, being a redditor, i procrastinated. So, since i have RES, i have the preview option. I clicked it, and the picture showed up. I tried closing it, but instead of that, it went into a large scale picture. just as that happens, i yell, "OH SHIT!". Everyone turns around, and see a picture of a naked girl. Yeah... really fucked up. Suspended for 5 days.
EDIT: Not r/gonewild, r/panties (for those who don't know, this place doesn't have NSFW tags and misleading titles), and also, my school isn't very.... Technologically advanced. so... very little security, none for imgur, reddit, wikipedia, or any gamesite ever.
markwarren_18: I'm calling bullshit on this. I'd imagine your school has an internet filter, and a website like reddit would be blocked in an instant.
Even if you did have access to reddit, how would you have RES on a school computer? If you downloaded it, it would most likely be wiped off after you logged out of your student account.
USAF503: My high school is quite techy... hundreds of thousands of dollars in grants for technology (rich, yuppy neighborhood) and reddit is not blocked, NONE of reddit, and i have downloaded RES and it does stay... I can believe it.
markwarren_18: Damn you're lucky. My school is in a town similar to yours, minus all the tech grants. Not only is reddit blocked at my school, but theres a program in the servers that wipes memory thats not put in the proper files after every log out, so something like RES wouldn't stay after one session.
USAF503: Honestly... I think my school just doesn't give a fuck... its one of the best school districts in the country, and I think they know that no amount of filters will stop kids from screwing around. I think the only time they'll even check what students are doing is if a teacher sees something and reports it...
markwarren_18: I'm jealous. I'm surprised wikipedia isn't blocked on mine. What school do you go to? Is it private or public?
USAF503: Public school. In Oregon. Not gonna say anymore. sorry. You never know who'll see this. haha
markwarren_18: Understandable. Gotta keep your reddit secrets in the dark from people you know.
USAF503: Not even that... I'm just talking bout so creepy fuck whole try and track me down hahah
| 9 | 10 | |
1353428155 | 1353454935 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | BRNZ42: TIFUpdate: my puke-machine isn't dead
[My dog ate a bone](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13gcfp/tifu_and_turned_by_dog_into_a_puke_machine/), but he's better now.
Hooray! Everything seems back to normal. He is his playful self, eating food, and keeping it down. Much thanks to /u/odoriferous for letting us know what to watch out for, and to /u/LETS_PLAY_SANDWICH for calming fears. So, no vet visit needed, just a lot of cleanup after the creation of one unhappy-twenty-four-hour-puke-machine.
[Here's a picture of the duck-footed-fluff ball being skeptical of the camera](http://imgur.com/WZecQ).
VAGINA_PLUNGER: Yayyyy! When my dog get's sick, it's rarely for more than 24 hours.
BRNZ42: said VAGINA-PLUNGER
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1353449470 | 1353522034 | null | t5_2to41 | 275 | daydreamingagain: TIFU - And snuck into my boyfriends parents room!
My boyfriend of 21 and I are staying with his parents for the holidays. His mother is super religious and is against us living together before we are married. So when we see them she always makes us stay in different rooms. When we went to bed he tucked me in and went to his own room. I didnt see what one. So when I had a bad dream early this morning I went to sneek into his room and cuddle. I picked a door and cracked it open just to see how many people were in the bed. I thought I had found his so I creeped in and got under the covers. I started snuggling with him and passed out. When I woke up to his mom yelling at me to get out of her house and to never come back and that she didnt care if it was the holidays I had to go! I was confused as to why she was yelling at me till I realized I was in her bed...not my boyfriend! UGH!
Benny_the_Jew: Oh you'll be fine. This has happened to me on many, many occasions.
[deleted]: I am calling bullshit on you and OP. I can't believe someone can do this by accident.
daydreamingagain: sadly it did. it was so fucked up i cant even make this up.
[deleted]: > I picked a door and cracked it open just to see how many people were in the bed. I thought I had found his so I creeped in and got under the covers. I started snuggling with him and passed out.
You didn't want to sneak out to cuddle with him before but wanted to cuddle with him after you had a bad dream? And that was worth the risk? You mis-recognized 2 people for 1; you mis-recognized the sight your SO; you got in and mis-recognized the smell and body and mannerisms of your SO when you cuddled with him/her; and still totally missed the sight and smell of the other parent; the parent didn't wake up even when you cuddled with them until much later than you falling asleep?
This is contrary to human nature in every aspect of all involved. Impossible.
inflexiblemadness: I just assumed OP was a retard.
somekindofgoodname: Always assume this this, it saves time.
inflexiblemadness: Oh I do.
| 8 | 34.375 | |
1353454787 | 1353678120 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my daughter a black eye and broken nose.
in our town we have what is called "fall ball" (basically a baseball program in the fall) and for us, since she is 6, it's just a T-ball clinic. so yesterday we went outside to practice on some catching and throwing. i was simply going through some of the motions i remember from little league.. rolling her grounders, tossing it under hand, and eventually work up to the pop fly's.. so i loft up the first pop fly and she puts her glove up to catch it, blocking her vision, so of course she moves the glove away so she can see the ball and boom, the ball pop fly's her right in the face. so i rush over to her to make sure she's okay.. theres some blood, but she's crying and screaming bloody murder, all while trying to get away from me (as it was all my fault) out on our front lawn.
fast forward an hour or so and she's sitting there with an ice pack and a nice shiner, she's absolutely pissed & as far as she's concerned hates me forever. and of course i felt absolutely terrible about the whole thing.
which brings me to today, where a classmate was teasing her about her black eye.. which made her very upset and she started crying, doing that whole choked up cry-talk thing about how it was all my fault. so i end up getting a phone call from the principal and have to go down to the school for a meeting with the student counselor and in-school police officer. i was absolutely horrified, but explained that it was not a domestic dispute, child abuse, or anything like that. i guess if nothing else i don't have to worry about her being a "softball dyke" as she's made it pretty clear she's never playing again.
**TL;DR** toss a pop-fly to my daughter, she moves her glove & the softball hits her in the face giving her a black eye & minor nose fracture, blames it on me the next day at school.
buggerbees: SOFTBALL DYKE? dude. no. I hope she does become one and teaches your ass some open-mindedness.
tomkaz: I don't think that's OP's opinion, but a widely-spread slur against athletic young women.
buggerbees: ... because enforcing and fearing widely-spread slurs isn't how general prejudice propagates? He is actually glad his daughter isn't going to end up athletic based on this. That's... Wrong.
filmzie: don't swing it like that man, i harmlessly threw it in for some harsh humor to close it up.. was on the [offensive one liner thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/13duh5/reddit_whats_the_most_offensive_oneliner_you_can/) the other day & maybe that's where it came from, but you really shouldn't twist words around to meet what you see fit.. propagating prejudice & hoping my daughters not athletic? you really believe those are my intentions from that post? :/
buggerbees: You said it man, it implies what it implies. None of us know you. Don't say obviously offensive shit on public Internet forums if you don't want to hear criticism. Kind of a no brainier.
Monsieur_Mangetout: Are you in /r/srs ?
| 7 | 12.142857 | |
1353455995 | 1353514396 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Gokus_Dad: TIFU being too faded and winking flirtatiously at my friend who now thinks I'm gay.
Just two faded dudes hanging out, playing black ops 2 and wrtting essay. Be listening to some good dubstep, I do a weird hand gesture to the music and wink him like telling him to come here. Realized what I did and awk turtle moment.. some think I'm' gay fuuuss
[deleted]: If he was just as high as you, im sure his reaction was somewhere along the lines "lol wut". He probably didnt think anything of it
Gokus_Dad: He actually told me to jump off a bridge, that i fucked up. I guess I just have to remember who can take a joke or not
StiffyAllDay: And this was a friend yeah? :|
| 4 | 2 | |
1353459143 | 1353473867 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by not looking in the mirror before going to a funeral
Last night I crashed at a friends house, and since all my friends are 14 year olds stuck in 20 year old bodies, they decided to draw swastikas and dicks on my face. Well today I went to my girlfriend's Grandpa's funeral, and since I thought I could trust my friends I didn't even look in a mirror, lets just say when I got to the funeral... shit hit the fan, my girlfriend broke up with me and her dad tried to kill me.
border508: Bullshit.
agent8am: [Bullshit.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsgi2ribsQ1r3pcbso1_400.gif)
xrelaht: [Bullshit.](http://clisanti.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/bullshit.jpg)
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1353455532 | 1353604621 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | itismelol: TIFU my third physics exam
Today was the third exam for my physics course. I thought that I had studied enough for it and prepared well, but my performance proved otherwise. I am not expecting to get a grade higher than 40. What makes this worse is that it is my 3rd and last time taking this course. I had failed the previous 2 times. If I fail now, I will most liklely have to change my major and college. There is still some hope though, I did fairly well on the first two exams (10 points above the average) and there is the final in a month which is worth two exams. I've since deactivated my Facebook and spent most of the day studying for a math test tomorrow. Still, I feel really shaken over this and don't know for certain if I'll pass.
QuasiStellar: What's your major and why would you have to change it? Unless you're a physics major, in which case physics might not be your thing anyway.
itismelol: I am a computer engineering major. As part of the course curriculum, I have to take this physics class. If I fail it the third time then I cant take it again and will not be able to meet the pre-requisites for other required courses. I would be pretty much forced to leave engineering since all the engineering majors at my college have to take this class.
QuasiStellar: I see. Do they let you use a crib sheet on the exams? I recommend writing down solutions to every homework problem you've done, including solutions from back tests if you have those. It always helps me when I see a problem on an exam and I can say, "I've seen something like this before!" and then look up the solution. You'll have to write small and it takes a lot of time, but it's worth it, and it's a good tool to study anyway. Go to your TA's or professor's office hours as well.
itismelol: No they don't, there is a small section on the tests with a few constants such as the universal gravitational constant and values of cosine and sine which don't do much. The physics department website does have past final exams to download, so I'll start off with those when studying. I am allowed to use a ti84 calculator, so maybe I'll store some values on it.
QuasiStellar: That's ridiculous. Physics isn't about memorization. It's about using your tools to solve problems. I'm sorry your tests are so stupid.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1353456477 | 1353520417 | null | t5_2to41 | 829 | Paragora: TIFU by setting my alarm clock.
Last night I went out and drank with some friends (we're second years at a university). We came back to the dorm last night and went to sleep. I sleep on the bottom of a bunk bed and one of my roommates on the top. I set my alarm for 9am (had class this morning) he climbed up and we both slumped to sleep. Little did I know in my drunken stupor I moved my roommates ladder to his bed.
The next morning when my alarm clock went off, I slept through it. My disheveled self slept through it. My roommate decided to turn my alarm off for me. He didn't know his ladder was missing so he stepped down from his tall bunk-bed and fell to the ground, while one of his arms was holding on to bed rail. His arm got stuck as he fell. then it broke.
A large and gut wrenching crack was followed by a loud "HOLY SHIT FUCK ASS AGHHH SHIT FUCK"
He's in the emergency room still.
Reddit, Today I Fucked Up.
Edit: Fuck Up of the Week, I'm honored.
Also, /u/crappystickfigures helped make a drawing of the event [here](http://i.imgur.com/jHuVA.jpg?1)
pilvy: The titles of /r/TIFU are starting to get stupid, this should be something along the lines of TIFU moving my bunkmates ladder/breaking roommmates arm. Give us something to go on in the title, setting an alarm clock isn't a fuck up.
Paragora: It's a tease because you read "ladder broken arm" and don't click to read the story. If I write alarm clock, then you think "how the fuck is an alarm clock gonna fuck up?" And read it
pilvy: If you wrote tifu by breaking a mates arm, I would definitely read it. I only read this one as I came to comment about this, I see TOO many; TIFU by eating toast, TIFU by going to sleep, TIFU by being the kindest person in the room. Sorry but it's getting boring and I just end up skipping past these ones.
Paragora: Well I'll have to try and make it an action adventure title if I Fuck Up again
pilvy: Sounds awesome :D
| 6 | 138.166667 | |
1353469610 | 1353660297 | null | t5_2to41 | 243 | CyborgHippie: TIFU by fake sexting the wrong person
I am female, and was texting my male roommate while he was at work.
I told him I was having a bad day. He said "I'll give you a hug when I get home."
Trying to be funny, I responded with "Ok. Give it to me slow and hard."
It went to my mother. Of course.
Evref: pefect karmic payback for trying to make such a joke with your roommate, who unless he is gay, prolly actually wants to give it to you slow and hard.
haymakers9th: Are platonic male/female relationships rare to you?
Serious question, I've always had a majority of female friends all of my life and there's never any secret tensions or anything, we're just normal people friends. Looking at stories on here (good sample, I know) and some other people I know IRL it seems like that's not always the case for others - most of the women they associate with have some kind of (one or two sided) romantic situation/complication, or the guy semi-secretly wants to have sex with her. Also, with a few people, I'm like the one guy who doesn't want to bang them. I'm like a sassy gay friend without actually being gay.
ToblersLaw: You don't want to bang them... but they want to bang you.
haymakers9th: nah, if they're friends with me, they know enough about me to probably think I'm too crazy to bang.
| 5 | 48.6 | |
1353485163 | 1353541086 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | maxxer77: TIFU by putting Bengay on my dick.
Happened earlier today. You all know the story...starts with not paying attention/distractions.
So my neck, shoulder, and lower back are sore from practice earlier today...despite the icing. No problem, I'm a college athlete...I'll Bengay the shit out of that. Feelsgoodman.jpeg
I am about to wash my hands when family calls up to me asking me about my thoughts of traveling down towards Banning, CA with them for Thanksgiving. I like turkey and stuffing. Plus I get to hang out with the 4 year old and 1 year old cousins. Those little buggers are fun to play with, plus they think I'm the coolest (at this age).
Thoroughly distracted at this point right? Good, so was I. I remembered I was on Skype with my girlfriend so I ran to the bathroom really quick, did my thing only to realize about 3 seconds post-flush that my dick was starting to tingle. I get back to the computer and my penis feels aflame (yet cool and refreshing..okay I lied. It hurt). My lady friend notices the pain on my face...I blurt out what happened. She laughs her ass off and I ice my bits and pieces.
P.S. It feels better now in case anyone was wondering.
EDIT P.S. I also washed my hands so at least I'm sanitary right?
tinyturtlelove: Don't feel too bad. Many a time have I done the same thing by using Icy Hot/Bengay and then touching m lady parts for one reason or another. It also happens with peppers to. Jalapeno, Habanero, not pleasant.
halo00to14: The worse has to be after you wash your hands like 5-10 times and the oil is still there, then three hours later you do your thing and burn happens.
I learned from that day forward, treat peppers like sex, no glove, no love.
tinyturtlelove: I love that last part. Going to happen now. Fap through the underwear as to not have my labia come in contact with the dreaded capsaicin.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1353497954 | 1353546591 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting a fart.
(Foreword: I have no gallbladder anymore, so sometimes food will run through me faster than Lindsey Lohan running to her Cocaine stash after she gets out of rehab.)
So yeah... sitting at work, felt my stomach rumbling a bit after my loaded cheese fries. Didn't feel too bad though, and I eventually forgot about it about 10 minutes later. A little bit after, surfing Reddit as usual, when I feel a fart coming on. Not thinking, I just let it slip.
And then I realized it was a wet fart. And that I had now lightly sharted myself. Practically ran to the bathroom, took of my boxers, and hid them down in the bottom of the trash can. The pants, I was able to dab what little liquid got onto them out. And so I went to Walmart and bought new boxers on my lunch break.
TL;DR - Never trust a fart. Ever.
[deleted]: Do we reset the counter for a shart?
StiffyAllDay: Already done pal!
[deleted]: Is there a need for four digits for the counter? One would do, and two more than enough
| 4 | 11 | |
1353481284 | 1353517843 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | canipaybycheck: /r/TIFU was featured in The Daily Dot
TheFats216: http://www.dailydot.com/news/ladies-photobucket-nude-photos-hacked/ ...... I found this
rya11111: ಠ\_ಠ
| 3 | 5 | |
1353478753 | 1353608582 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | Asifys: TIFU by sleeping through my macroeconomics midterm
20% of my grade down the drain cause I did one of those "eh he doesn't take attendance I'll sleep in" snoozes.
Noticed about 2 hours ago, been freaking out since.
clamhurt_legbeards: 80% isn't a bad course grade, it still gets you a 3.2! chin up :)
Raphman90: That's if OP gets 100% on everything else. That's pretty hard to accomplish.
clamhurt_legbeards: I know, I was kind of trying to yank their chain a bit. I doubt they're anywhere near 100% on the rest of it.
What they did was a nightmare of mine for years, so I'm glad they took the real-life hit for the rest of us.
Asifys: :(
clamhurt_legbeards: I know it's hardly the most desirable outcome but you can take the course over if you need to, can't you?
Asifys: Too late to withdraw from the course. Think I could ask him to count the final for my midterm as well, for some sort of penalty?
clamhurt_legbeards: I would say "it couldn't hurt to ask", but that depends on how emotionally vulnerable you are, because it can be a deeply humiliating experience depending on how they respond. The worst they can do is make you feel like shit and also refuse to offer any kind of compromise, and on the plus side, there certainly *is* a chance they'll give partial credit if you ask with enough desperation.
I got something like that in a first semester class (partial credit for a late paper, not a midterm), so sure, it's worth a shot. I'd be very curious to know how it works for you if you do ask. You probably want some better explanation than "I knew he didn't take attendance so thought I'd sleep in". Say it was a complete mistake due to something or other, and that you were too frightened and panicked to approach him immediately.
Asifys: He's actually a pretty cool dude. Thank you for the response, I'll try my best. I'm thinking if I open with that offer, he'll be more likely to take it as that's fair, rather than just saying "count it as the midterm".
I'm not emotionally vulnerable, and while I do have some semblance of pride it isn't enough to cut 20% off my grade. I'll catch him this Monday, see what's up.
clamhurt_legbeards: Good luck! I feel very pleased at having done a good deed for thanksgiving :)
| 10 | 4 | |
1353514572 | 1353531858 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU By asking my Native American co-worker what she was doing for Thanksgiving.
Mech1: Okay, but seriously this is just stupid, that's not a fuck up. That is a simple question, asked out of interest, not out of ignorance or intentional ass-holery. Why does it matter if the person was Native American? I am Native American and celebrate Thanksgiving with my family and friends, if that person got butt-hurt tell them to lighten up a bit, no faux pa intended.
[deleted]: It was non intentional, but she has a lot of pride and is kind of stubborn. I should have known better.
[deleted]: So it's not so much "you fucked up" as "your co worker is butthurt"
Mech1: This, all of this.
| 5 | 4 | |
1353449771 | 1353518928 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | goodonesaretaken: TIFU and caught the wrong bus
Today I was actually running a little ahead of schedule when I left the house to go to the bus stop. As I got to the top of the block where I could see the bus stop, I noticed a bus already pulling up. Started running to catch the bus, tripped over the line in the middle of the road (I assume it jumped up and grabbed me, otherwise I faceplanted for no reason) and managed to stumble into the bus. Sat down and put my head back, closed my eyes and tried to deal with the massive throbbing in my ankle.
Couple of minutes later, open my eyes and look out the window - where the fuck am i? Got on the wrong bus, going a completely different direction. Dove off at the next stop without thinking. Yeah. Bus would have gone to the mall area, where I could've caught a number of busses in the right direction, but no, dumbass me gets off and has to limp a mile and a half to the nearest bus stop that'll go by my place of employment. Thank goodness I left the house early and managed to get to work at a reasonable time.
[deleted]: > Dove off at the next stop without thinking.
Could've been worse - had it been me, id've forgotten my bag or something at that point too.
goodonesaretaken: Thankfully, had my backpack still on me so couldn't forget it without forgetting my back/arms. Which would be hard to do, I think. I hope...
| 3 | 8 | |
1353523323 | 1353547347 | null | t5_2to41 | 132 | WilliamMcCarty: TIFU - Accidental Slavery Comment
so a white girl at my work tells me how her boyfriend wants her to make a turkey tomorrow. she says, "i hope he knows he's going to have to help."
I reply, "you're gonna have to put the whip to him. Get to crackin!"
I forgot her boyfriend is black.
She just stared at me. Quietly.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Pretty embarassing, but it's not like you said "are you also having fried chicken and watermelon?"
WilliamMcCarty: Well I probably would've been ok but then I dropped to one knee and started singing "mammy."
xenokilla: You, you I like.
| 4 | 33 | |
1353528784 | 1353586815 | null | t5_2to41 | 335 | BlimeyChaps: TIFU and asked a girl with a disorder why she walks like a zombie.
Today I went on a university visit with a program that my Sixth Form put me on (I'm seventeen) to try out how I'd find doing English Literature as a course in University. Anyhow, after a lecture on Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Hawthorne we were to attend a seminar to discuss what we've read, as a way of demonstrating what English Lit students get up to. Anyhow, after the seminar the girl sitting on my right asked if I enjoyed the seminar, and we sort of just started talking. We were just telling jokes and discussing the story. It was time to leave the class where we had our seminar and she got up and started walking towards the door, which I was holding open for her (I am a gentleman of course). She was sort of dragging one of her legs on the floor. Jokingly, of course, I asked why she's walking like a zombie while smiling and being my god damn charming as fuck self. She just looked at me, let out an awkward laugh and said "Oh, I just have a disorder with my leg". I just froze and the smile was wiped off of my face, I immediately went "Oh my fucking god, I'm so sorry about that, I was just joking, I didn't mean-" then she was just like "It's fine", but not that bitchy kind of "It's fine" that girls say when things clearly aren't fine.
She accepted my apology and realised it was a joke though, so it was all okay.
TL,DR; Asked a disabled girl why she walks like a zombie.
FaKeShAdOw: MAKE FRIENDS WITH HER, YOUR LIFE WILL BE KATAWA SHOUJO
IGNORE THE PINK-HAIRED CHICK
wanabeswordsman: WAHAHAHAHAHAHA
17bicycles: Does your penis feel any better?
wanabeswordsman: Much, thanks for asking! Both my wife and I are glad.
ac3b: context?
17bicycles: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13055s/tifu_by_peeing_in_complete_darkness/
| 7 | 47.857143 | |
1353538176 | 1353602612 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU and hit a girl with my car while trying to flirt with her. (She's ok it wasn't hard at all).
I was pulling out of a parking lot at work and I see this girl checking me out while she's walking down the sidewalk perpendicular to the front of my car. Trying to flirt with her I put my car on reverse to vie her peace to cross because my car's front was on the sidewalk already. Little did I know that gravity is stronger than my car and instead of backwards the car went a little forward first hitting her left leg. She was SO mad. It looked like if I tried to hit her on purpose just as she crossed my car. I explained what happened but she was still mad. Oops. Never doing that going down hill again.
[deleted]: Did it ever cross your mind the words "I'd hit that" ?
I am glad that nobody was hurt though.
Should have apologised and offered to make it up to her with Dinner. Long shot, but an opportunity missed is one you won't get back.
plasbhemy: Great idea man. Hit a girl with your vehicle and offer a dinner by way of an apology.
Falathras: *What could go wrong??*
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1353553293 | 1353589597 | null | t5_2to41 | 127 | flyrobotfly: TIFU by trying to save a puppy
My sister and I were on our way back home from a fun ~~date~~ night (since people don't like me using the word date in this situation) of pizza and ice cream when we saw a small yorkie puppy run across the street in front of us. I pulled over so that we could jump out and grab him so he wouldn't get hit and take him to the Humane Society or try to find his owners. When we were pulled over, he got spooked by us and ran into traffic and my poor sister saw the little guy get hit. The car that hit him stopped, then sped off when they saw us running towards him. He was in the middle of the street, his head was still on one side of the line.
I saw that his eyes were still open, and for his sake I was hoping that the hit had killed him, but I was still on the phone trying to get the number for the humane society so they could come pick him up before more damage was done (I know they do this because just a few months ago I did the same thing when I saw a hawk get hit, who died before they could come pick him up). While I was on the phone with my mom trying to get the number for the Humane society, I had my back turned from the road but could hear a diesel truck approaching, then I heard the most sickening and heart-wrenching crunch I could ever imagine.
All I did was scream. My mom was trying to ask what happened, but I was bawling too hard to get any words out, then cried the entire way home. I will never forget that sound or experience. Poor little guy. I wish we would have just left him alone and called the humane society so we wouldn't have scared him into the street. :'(
Tl;dr: pulled off road to save puppy, accidentally scared him into traffic. Saw him get hit, then heard his head get crushed by a truck.
Edit 1: added a couple of details
Edit 2: Thank you so much /u/TresDigitus for 2 months reddit gold! That was an awesome gesture, and I hope karma comes back to you 10-fold. :)
Edit 3: And another month from /u/ravia . You guys are too awesome. I'm very touched by your kindness to random strangers. :)
Edit 4: Changed "date" to "night" since people are getting all incest-y.
forlornprincess83: I'm really sorry that happened to you and your sister. I'm sending non creepy non molesty internet hugs your way.
flyrobotfly: [Careful...](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=09IquKhbXa4#t=18s) :)
forlornprincess83: Omg I love you, I really truly do. Penguins are my favorite thing ever and that was the best commercial ever.
flyrobotfly: I love them too! They're my favorite animal. :) Please tell me you've seen [this!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEciksD6EWg)
forlornprincess83: awwwwwww I love it, ah they are so freaking cute!. You are my new friend, hello new friend.
flyrobotfly: They tuck in the babies! Then go cuddle! I can't handle it, it makes me tear up a little, even. I'm such a puss.
I do like new friends, though. So hello there new friend. :)
forlornprincess83: I know it was so freaking sweet, they are after all life mates so they have to "stay connected". I wish humans could choose what animal they gave birth to b/c I would totally have a flock of penguin babies running around. Ok that probably made me sound super strange...it's still true though.
flyrobotfly: Right? Human babies are ugly. I'd choose a baby penguin over a baby human any day of the week.
forlornprincess83: yes! and who really wants to be stuck with their offspring for 18 freaking years? Humans do it wrong imo.
| 10 | 12.7 | |
1353561273 | 1364003720 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU: Spilled ogurt on m keboard...
As ou can probabl tell, several of m kes ave ceased to cooperate wit me. I'm so fucking pissed rigt now.
TheOffspring123: yogurt, right....
ballepartypooper: SHES A GIRL!?
TheOffspring123: my point still stands
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1353566088 | 1353589869 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | Michaelfear: [Tifu] by sharting and dropping my food
All day my gut has been killing me, so me and my gf are just sitting down to eat some hamburger helper, as I was about to sit I farted and well it was more then just air comming out, I accidentally droped my plate running to the bathroom. My poor girlfriend had to clean my hamburger helper off the floor as I showerd.
Juniper123: Reset the poop counter, tifu has shat itself
Chainmail_Danno: We almost go to two.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1353570466 | 1353607508 | null | t5_2to41 | 577 | olithraz: TIFU: mixed bleach and ammonia
I was cleaning the toilet and filled the bowl with a bleach based cleaner and let it sit. Then I sprayed the rim and seats with an ammonia based cleaner.
As I was wiping it down, my nose felt like it suddenly caught fire and I could barely breathe. At that point I realized my mistake and left the bathroom. 4 hours later, I can almost smell again.
Unfortunately, there were no crystals afterwards. :(
Haru24: crystals? bleach and ammonia produce chloramine gas when combined, but still...bad move, good thing you caught on that you did that and got away
Curious_Ape: its a reference to an old 4chan info-graphic that claimed to produce crystals. Some guy nearly died from it.
[deleted]: http://i.imgur.com/blXdN.jpg
Intelensprotient: He didn't almost die, he's spewing bullshit. Where would the sulphur for the mustard gas come from?
fadedone: Go make some and huff it, let us know how it goes.
Intelensprotient: Chlorine isn't too pleasant either... but come on people, this is from 4chan.
theodrixx: http://chemistry.about.com/od/toxicchemicals/a/Mixing-Bleach-And-Ammonia.htm
Intelensprotient:
NH3 = ammonia
HCl = hydrochloric acid
NaOCl = sodium hypochlorite (bleach)
Cl = chlorine
Cl2 = chlorine gas
NH2Cl = chloramine
N2H4 = hydrazine
NaCl = sodium chloride or salt
H2O = water
Would you kindly point to the sulphur atom in this list?
theodrixx: Why?
Intelensprotient: Because I'm being downvoted for saying that no mustard gas could have been produced in this reaction. The 4chan post just quotes an old urban legend saying that mixing bleach and ammonia is a way to produce said chemical. In other words, he's trolling.
theodrixx: It's not mustard gas, but it's harmful. Did you not read the part where it says chloramine gas (which is produced in the reaction) is toxic?
Intelensprotient: But why would the doctor have told him it was mustard gas when it was Chloramine? Pretty difficult to get these two mixed up...
Bacon_Donut: Because the Doctor was trying to explain to a very dumb kid, in language that he might understand, that what he did was very dangerous.
The kid had already been playing around with, and mixing up, bottles of chemicals with 'scull and crossbones' danger logos and poison warnings on, so presumably just knowing he was messing with poisons wasn't getting through to him that is was dangerous.
Presumably the Doctor was using one of the most commonly known military chemical weapons as a frame of reference so that the dumb kid may actually understand just how dangerous his actions were, rather than giving a literal chemistry lesson that the kid wouldn't understand or listen to anyway
| 14 | 41.214286 | |
1353574066 | 1353620875 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | Zelda_Whore: TIFU by asking a Vietnam Vet if he enjoyed his time overseas.
I just started working with a really awesome older guy. I asked him about his past work experiences and one thing he mentioned was being a Vietnam veteran. I jokingly asked if there was an endless barbecue since that's what Forest Gump taught me. He looked me dead in the eye and said he shot women and children washing clothes for target practice.
Edit: I didn't intend to ask him about killing people. I wanted to know about the camaraderie and relationships he experienced while in the armed forces and went about it by asking if there was any truth to the scene in Forest Gump where he met Lt. Dan and said "They told us that Vietnam was going to be very different from the United States of America. Except for all the beer cans and the barbecues, it was." My coworker just took it in an entirely different direction.
After reading your comments, I can see now that maybe my asking 'barbecue' was seen as asking about torching the place. I meant barbecue on the grill. Now I feel like an even bigger dick.
ladyfenring: I thank him for his service and I'm very sorry it was a horrible time for him.... but that is not an excuse to behave that way.
Bowflexing: You have to look at it from our perspective. Every time you tell someone you went to a war zone, they immediately either ask if you shot someone, or if you enjoyed it. I was in a war zone for fuck's sake. I don't want to talk about it with a person that can't fathom what we went through. Just let the guy be and leave that subject alone from now on.
ladyfenring: That's fair. I just feel like the guy could've kindly educated OP about a horrible situation that OP didn't know much about instead of responding with rudely. Or just said he didn't like to talk about it and moved on.
Bowflexing: I agree, if it was only a one time thing. But it's not. It's every time someone asks you about your past. Some things are better left not drudged up.
ladyfenring: For the person asking, it is a one time thing (hopefully). I think the answer is that we all need to be more mindful or aware. I need to be aware you might not want to talk about it and you need to be aware that people speak with out thinking or out of ignorance sometimes. If everyone (myself included) would just stop being oblivious and start being mindful maybe we could have less wars to ask about.
Bowflexing: I do my best personally, but I don't fault others that do it, especially guys from Vietnam. It's similar to the "Thank you for your service" comment. It's appreciated, but it becomes a grind after a while. I understand that people are curious and usually mean no harm, but if you're talking to someone about their service, let them lead into it. If they don't bring it up, just let it be. The things they did out of combat are often times more interesting, and far less remorseful, than those they did in it so ask about those instead.
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1353508205 | 1354152756 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | todayishatmyself: TIFU by sharting on the bus.
On my way to work this morning, I thought I'd let out a discrete fart on the bus. However, I let a bit more go & filled my pants with liquid shit.
I've never sharted before.
It may be due to my recent experience with anal sex.
cgome1: User name is relevant.
VAGINA_PLUNGER: >Today is hat myself
What's so relevant?
cgome1: Today I Shat Myself
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1353600502 | 1353646167 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | dndtweek89: TIFU with what I thought was bleach.
So bleach is a mighty handy tool at my job, especially when we have to clean shit off of the showers. Yes, kids shit in them. I ran to the chem shed to find a bottle, but I only found an unmarked one. I opened it up, stuck my nose right over the opening and took a big breath in...When I regained my wits I concluded that it was not bleach. Apparently it was a bottle of muriatic acid. And that's why you waft unknown chemicals. The more you know...
WorkMode: Ive done this with Hydrochloric Acid, worst migraine of my life!
cjdavda: hydrochloric acid and muriatic acid are one and the same!
WorkMode: then I know exactly what OP went through!
[deleted]: Yay!
WorkMode: Horrible acid whiffs for all!
dndtweek89: Yes, for all! The stupid thing is that I did not immediately label or remove said bottle. Apparently I am not the first, nor am I the last, to see this bottle and take a big whiff to see if it was bleach. We've since done some experimenting with it. We poured a little onto the dumpster, and it smoked as it melted the paint off. We also poured some on the cafeteria floor while cleaning it. Though we all got a little light headed, that floor is, in the words of one of my coworkers, "smooth than a baby's ass".
| 7 | 9.857143 | |
1353605337 | 1353801156 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,426 | AShadowCast: TIFU by accidentally doing 14.5 hours on my first day
So I started work again recently, first job in 12 years.
It's a parcel delivery company, 9-5pm. I deliver the shit you order in a van.
First day, no one shows me what to do and I've never done anything like it before. Guy shows me the stack of parcels I have to deliver and gives me the keys to a van. While I'm sorting paperwork the guy adds about double the amount of parcels to my round because they're a man down. Because of my newbie status and the fact that I didn't know what I was doing I set out about 12 oclock, everyone else left about 9.30am.
I have no Sat-Nav like everyone else because I can't afford one. So I go to the nearest petrol station to buy a local map so I can do the job. Begin delivering.
Half way through my day it becomes apparent that I'm behind, not even half the parcels delivered. Fuck. I work through my break, just concentrating on delivering the parcels.
I work my ass off, delivering parcels up untit 9.30-10pm if I could see they were in. At around this time I decide it's too late to be knocking people up and drive back to base, worrying about the amount of undelivered parcels I am returning with. Get back to depot at 11.30pm.
On return to the depot.. They are screaming "where have you been?! You were supposed to be back at 5.30!"
Turns out I was never expected to deliver all the parcels, just as much as I was able to deliver within the time frame. No one told me that. Why the fuck did no one tell me? By adding twice as many parcels, surely I was expected to deliver some of them which would have taken me beyond 5.30pm?!
Why didn't anyone ring me to tell me to come back? I had set off at 7.30 that morning for the job, so I'd been on my feet 16.5 hours that day without a break. I got home exhausted. I thought I was helping the company with the increased load due to Christmas and pulling my weight, but instead I got greeted with a load of abuse for doing unauthorized overtime.
Sure made a pretty penny that day though. I was told the amount I delivered was not bad at all,, but they told me to report to the agency I work for before showing up again. I think I work for the again on Saturday but unsure.
TLDR- Worked my ass off when I wasn't meant to, might be fucking fired.
**UPDATE**
That job was shit. I'm not working for them any more, never went back. Think I'm going to look for something with less deliveries and more miles between them. I love driving but didn't realise how out of shape I was. Also, I like time to think about stuff, learn a language maybe.
snakeseare: You didn't fuck up, they did, and they are cunts. If a few hours overtime makes them fire you when they did no training and gave you no instruction, they are stupid.
AShadowCast: Hey thanks, that's kinda what I thought too. No training whatsoever, I was nervous as fuck knowing i wouldn't be able to deliver all those parcels. Thanks for reading :)
jutct: You've got a good work ethic. You put in extra effort to do the best job you could. They didn't explain the rules and therefore it's not your fault. Good on you.
Toasty_Ohs: A good work ethic? First job in 12 years! I feel zero pity.
jutct: Oh I didn't see the first job in 12 years thing. I guess you have a point.
Toasty_Ohs: According to the OP, he has has some non traditional work, but 12 years is a long time. We can only hope he gets one of those, you really don't have to work jobs.
| 7 | 203.714286 | |
1353620357 | 1353718780 | null | t5_2to41 | 673 | [deleted]: Tifu by having sex with my cousin.
Today I fucked up hard. So some back story, about a year ago I ended up hooking up with a girl that I had met at a music festival, and continued to see her a couple more times but after awhile slowly lost contact with her due to me being busy a lot.
Fast forward to today (thanksgiving), I'm at my family's house out of state that I really didn't know to well, and as I'm being introduced to a lot of the family, she shows up with some of my other family. It turns out she was my 2nd cousin. I guess we both never knew, but now its kinda awkward.
Tifu.
Nomiss: 2nd cousin is legal.
jts5009: So is 1st cousin in most states. The stigma against cousins having sex is a relatively modern one (within the past 100 years or so). Prior to that, it was quite common.
da_man_made_of_bread: I think it is much more complicated than there being a stigma about having sex with your cousin. The ramifications are very disconcerting.
BR3N: What ramifications?
rocknrollercoaster: Not a scientist here but there is a greater chance of any offspring being born with various defects and health problems.
Falathras: I don't think OP would be doing it for the purpose of reproduction.
rocknrollercoaster: shhh, Jehova might read this and get mad!
Falathras: What if I *am* Jehova?
Nomiss: Ben Jehova? Is that you?
Falathras: Yes
| 11 | 61.181818 | |
1353628068 | 1353808544 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | five_hammers_hamming: TIFU by getting juice from a habanero pepper on my dick
I made a quesadilla that included a sliced-up habanero pepper. I don't have a cutting board or any plates; so, I sliced it up in my hands. I washed my hands afterward more thoroughly than I ever have after having only gotten edible things on them. Hours later, I decided it was time to fap. My various finger-injuries had quit hurting; so, I didn't have the issue of habanero pepper juice on my fingers in mind. A few minutes into the process, I noticed that I felt pain down there. To make a long story short, I spent about an hour in pretty severe pain. I guess it also increased my sensitivity, too somehow, 'cause it felt a lot nicer than it usually does when I eventually climaxed.
[deleted]: >I guess it also increased my sensitivity, too somehow, 'cause it felt a lot nicer than it usually does when I eventually climaxed.
Would you say it was worth it?
five_hammers_hamming: Yes. If I could have had some actual sex with that increased sensitivity, with my sexual partner having the same thing going on to the same degree, it would likely have been the best sex had by two humans. Actually, it still might be better than a three-way. I'm not too sure for higher numbers.
Evref: taken with a grain of salt, from a kid who doesn't have a cutting board or plates.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1353633261 | 1353715518 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | lizzehness: TIFU by trying to brine a turkey
Here are complete instructions on how *not* to prepare your thanksgiving turkey. You're welcome.
* Step one: Make a disgusting looking and smelling brine out of water, salt, sugar, a zillion peppercorns, some bay leaves, and an entire head of garlic- do this at the last minute instead of 2 days ahead like the recipe suggests- who needs a recipe!?
* Step two: Juggle all the other things in your fridge to find room for the molten pot of brine- can't put the cold bird into a hot brine after all.
* Step three: unwrap the bird, pull out that thing that gross looking thing that looks like a dick and that sac of crap - rinse and stick it into a Glad roasting bag. And here is where the fun starts!
* Step four: This is very important! Have your husband hold the bag while you pour the cooled brine in - being careful not to spill any. Now quick like- grab a second bag just in case- you wouldn't want brine and turkey juice all over your fridge now would you?
BUT WAIT! Before you can get the second bag on - the entire thing explodes shooting 3 quarts of brine, a zillion peppercorns, and the turkey into the kitchen floor!
Ever try to sweep up 1/2 a cup of WET peppercorns, and entire head of crushed garlic?!
What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?! I'm thankful for a steam mop. I'm thankful that I had some clean towels for once. And for Clorox wipes. Five second rule- I cooked the bitch and it was delicious.
Beemorriscats: We spattercocked our turkey this year as opposed to brining it. It was delicious and moist.
lizzehness: you did what now?!?!
halo00to14: What you do is take a cleaver and chop down both sides of the spin of the turkey. You can then flatten the bird out in a roasting pan. This gives a couple of advantages:
* Even cooking
* More of that crispy skin
* Can be easier to carve
* Easier to have even seasoning
Beemorriscats: All of this. Thank you. It was fantastic.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1353653064 | 1353778128 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU When I Tried to Move the Dog.
Watching TV with the man and the dog this morning, and the dog was hogging the blanket. All of the other blankets were MIA and with a 50 pound English Bulldog sleeping on the majority of the blanket, I was uncomfortable, to say the least.
So I started trying to push him over. After about 30 seconds, Maximus had enough and snapped at me, then looked at me like, "Oh fuck, I'm in trouble." I wiped off the droll. Kept wiping and I was all, "Wtf" in my head. Then I looked at my hand. "Motherfucker." Got up, went to the bathroom, wiped off the blood and cleaned the cut with hot water. I go back into the other room and puppy daddy goes, "What happened?"
Lesson of the day, let sleeping dogs lie.
**EDIT: He's *NOT* my dog so stop telling me how it needs to be trained. English Bulldogs are also known for being very obstinate dogs who will not do anything that conflicts with their own agenda.**
andtheniwaslike27: Lesson of the day is teach your dog not to be an asshole
DoctoryWhy: Seriously. If the dog was trained well, it wouldn't be like this at all. I don't know a good dog that has snapped at me, even when teasing them with their bone.
maybe_just_one: Exactly, my dog hasn't snapped at anyone since he was a small puppy. He is a Golden though and they are pretty easy to train.
| 4 | 12 | |
1353662229 | 1353865315 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: Tifu by letting my friend cut my hair.
He's never cut hair before, his only experience being "my mom always cuts mine, so I watched and know what to do." Me being dumb, I let him give it a go... Now I look like a friar. He like took the razor and completely buzzed by my sideburns, and the bangs look like a receding hairline, etc.... it was just, bad! Luckily, I am getting it salvaged (hopefully) tomorrow. I was kind of the laughing stock during thanksgiving today!
DoctoryWhy: I trusted my first girlfriend with cutting my hair back when I was 16. She said she wanted to be a hairdresser, so I thought "What the hell, she can't fuck up that badly. I can always have a professional fix up the bad parts", and let her cut it. Terrible idea. Apparently, she was so fucking bad, that she thought it would be a smart idea not to use any length on the electric razor, causing her to cut several holes to the scalp. Stupid bitch. I had done better than that with my own hair in the past. How can someone be so god damned bad at it?
FappingAsYouReadThis: How did you manage to not hurt her feelings? I mean, did you try to assure her that it looked okay (something I imagine being impossible), or did you just go, "yeah, it sucks".
DoctoryWhy: She knew she fucked up. In fact, she tried to make fun of me for it. It back-fired when people knew she was the one who cut it even though she wants to be a hairdresser. Ya... highschool romance for you.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1353689991 | 1353699129 | null | t5_2to41 | 577 | naypalm: TIFU by yelling at a good friend of mine who just lost his (abusive) father 'Please daddy, don't hit me again'.
I was throwing sticks around and he said in a playful voice: Naypalm, stop throwing those sticks. I then said with a girly voice; "I'm sorry daddy, please don't hit me again".
I immediatly realised what I had said and I wanted to hang myself on the spot. I saw it in his eyes that he knew I knew. It wasn't on purpose. Everyone around me looked at me with disgust. I deserved it.
He forgave me though.
Rats_In_Boxes: you done fucked up.
this happens to me all the time though. it's a horrible phenomenon/trick my brain plays on me. as soon as i hear something about so and so's aunt/uncle/pet goldfish getting run over or dying in a plane crash *inevitably* my brain forces something like that into the very next conversation i have with that person, regardless of the circumstance.
UnArticulatory: Why does this happen, though? There's no psychological or evolutionary reason I can think of that we should do this, but we do it anyway.
Rats_In_Boxes: i have no idea, other than my brain hates me and really enjoys watching me squirm anxiously.
Me: DONT MENTION HIS DEAD COUSIN DONT MENTION HIS DEAD COUSIN DONT MENTION HIS DEAD COUSIN
Friend: Hey Rats_In_Boxes, want to go see a movie?
Me: Sure let's invite your dead cousin who died the other day and is now a dead person.
Brain: HAHAHAHA YOU AWKWARD FUCK I WIN AGAIN
UnArticulatory: When I was in fourth grade, we went on a camping trip as a class. Mother's Day was coming up, so as a class activity we decorated little flower pots to give to our moms. On the way back home, I noticed one of my classmates hadn't done one, so I kept asking why not, and he kept ignoring me. One of our other classmates then grabbed me and was like "His mom DIED." Which I already knew, I'd known it for weeks, she'd died only a few months earlier and it was a big deal in the classroom. But my brain conveniently decided to just keep that to itself.
Sometimes I'm so stupid it makes me want to scratch my eyes out.
ConstableOdo: I've done this exact thing. Except I stopped mid sentence and tried to change it.
It went a bit like: So why don't you make one for youuuuuuuuurrrrr Father because he's your mom now.
Edit: Thinking back, we were making paper flowers covered in glitter in second grade. So imagine a child slathered in glue and glitter doing that
UnArticulatory: Uuuugghhh, I'm so sorry! That awkward, drawn out word that's trying to cover it, but everyone knows already and it just splats out there. And everyone just looks and disapproves.
ConstableOdo: "If I hold this vowel a couple more seconds, I will come up with something"
UnArticulatory: That something, for me, is usually shame.
ConstableOdo: My messiest cover up is the one where I pretend to get tongue tied and then pretend to forget what I was saying.
UnArticulatory: Yep, that one's an old favorite. "Did you know...? Um, no, nope, never mind. I forgot."
ConstableOdo: Mine would be more like, using the previous example, "Why don't you make of for your mud-er-mad-LetterSalad-yhgtertrt... I forgot"
| 12 | 48.083333 | |
1353692942 | 1353705858 | null | t5_2to41 | 232 | Sigiant2300: TIFU by laughing at when someone asked me for my number.
So I was hanging out with some friends at a skating rink, when a friend from my high school showed up (the girl that asked me for my number). So we were just talking, well kinda yelling, you see the skating rink liked to play its music really really fucking loud so you can barley hear each other. She got really quiet for a minute and then said something, I didn't hear her, but she was always making jokes so I just laughed. She gave the saddest look I had ever seen anyone give and then ran away clearly about to cry, I took off my skates and ran after her, but by the time I got my skates off she had driven off. I walked back in utterly confused when the came up and said, "you know she was asking for your number." (Don't ask me how the hell he knew...) And that's how I may have ruined a good friendship with one of the prettiest, smartest, funniest girls I know. :(
writermonk: So, call her the fuck up, explain/apologize, and take her out for dinner to smooth things over.
Sigiant2300: Yes sir! Right away sir!
writermonk: And let us know how it goes. This is a minor FU. You can turn it into an opportunity.
Oh, and make sure the restaurant isn't a loud one, eh?
Sigiant2300: Haha alright, i'll see her on Monday, i'll keep you all informed
writermonk: You'll see her on Monday... have you already called her today?
If you have, good man. Relax and enjoy your weekend.
If you haven't... head up-thread to my first response. Re-read. Act. Like Lordofdirections said, don't give her all weekend to be upset and come up with reasons why she *shouldn't* go out with you and why it was a mistake to ask.
[deleted]: agree. time is of the essence.
uncannybuzzard: [fly, you fool!](http://dnd.ryancarlton.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/fly_you_fools.jpg)
| 8 | 29 | |
1353718339 | 1353720269 | t3_13ow0i | t5_2to41 | 3 | snakeseare: So why were you driving a truck then? Those things are shit compared to a small car when it comes to handling bad weather and slippery roads. Or, for that matter, perfect weather and dry roads.
LikeCoolPerson: So everyone should just drive cars. Trucks should be abolished as a vehicle. *Logic*
snakeseare: Half of American vehicle sales are light trucks. Boy, you guys sure haul a lot of stuff around remarkably often. I didn't say abolish trucks, you cunt. But if 99% of the pick-em-up trucks in the US disappeared, nobody would be the least bit inconvenienced. Driving a truck 365 days a year so you have it the one day a year you actually need a truck is fucking moronic, asshole.
LikeCoolPerson: So you base your entire argument around assuming that people do not use their truck space and load capacity to your standards. You are some piece of work. There is 0 evidence to your claims of OP not using his truck to what YOU would qualify as a "load". Thank you for name calling over the internet over a subject as small as a total strangers truck.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1353732897 | 1369050652 | null | t5_2to41 | 881 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my mom a sex tape
It was more like a few days ago but anyway! So, here about a week ago i went to my first college party. I don't know really anyone around here so I was really hoping to just meet people and get to know them.
Turned out really well actually, wound up meeting some great people, got some numbers and overall had a blast. End of the night, i'm mildly buzzed and being paranoid about cops pulling me over, i asked some of my new-found friends for a lift back to my dorm. One of the girls i met offers, so i walk to her car, and after what seemed like forever we arrive back at my place.
Anyway, we both ended up getting even more drunk in my dorm room. I mean like, 'drunker than a sailor' drunk. And she was just looking around my room and found my contour camcorder ( which i use it when i go rock climbing and airsofting) and turned it on and started drunkenly dancing in front of it. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Woke up the next morning, talked to the her, and after some talking we agreed to have a sort of open-sexual friends with benefits thing between us. Not bad for my first college party, eh?
Well I finally remember the my camcorder had been left on all night. Got the whole thing on it before it died sometime later. I told her about it and she said it would be kind of kinky to burn it to a DVD and watch it together one night. So I did, put it into a un-marked case, and set it on top of my stereo for later the week when she was coming back.
Coincidentally, I was planning on sending my mom a data disc with a bunch of my sisters wedding photos and videos i took. Did it the same day i burnt the sex video to the other disc. Anyway I had set her disc on the stereo as well, and totally forgot to send it to her. Sadly, I also left it un-marked too. She calls me up later the next day, badgers me for hours on end about it. Don't forget to send it! Do it now! Are you getting ready to send it? Blah blah blah BLAH! So I, in my irritated state, grab the wrong disc and rush to the post office and send it out promptly just so she will shut up about it. Two days later, she calls me and just loses it. I won't go into details, but my mom thinks i'm a sex-addicted college student now. It is going to be so awkward the next time i go home.
Yea, I done fucked up Reddit.
TL;DR - Had sex with a girl, recorded the whole thing. burned it to a dvd and accidentally sent it to my mom
[UPDATE!] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13qrob/tifupdate_sending_my_mom_a_sex_tape/)
ApexPrecursor: The real TIFU is that you don't have the disc anymore :(
Deathfire138: He probably still has the file. Like most cameras, it's either recorded to an SD card or some sort of internal memory, then you transfer it to your computer before burning it, and burning it, contrary to the name, does not delete the original data file. ;)
[deleted]: This kid knows whats up :) and yes, i still have the digital copy. mwahaha
WinterCharm: be sure to back it up! :)
scix: OP, make sure you send it to all of us, so you can be sure its backed up multiple times.
WinterCharm: ಠ_ಠ
scix: ( ° ͜ʖ °)
[](/sp)[](/sadjack "i cant believe i just posted that")
thatguyoverthere202: [](/dotdotdot "Son, I am disappoint") You forgot the eyebrows
scix: They wouldn't stop being rectangles, so I removed them.
[deleted]: my dad did the same thing to my little brother, he was really high....
scix: how the fuck did you find this post?
[deleted]: it was actually at the top of the list for TIFU in my Reddit feed which is admittedly weird but meh
| 13 | 67.769231 | |
1353699087 | 1353793168 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | todayishatmyself: TIFU by holding my bowels
I had bowel problems last week after my first time having anal sex. After shitting & sharting myself 3 times last week, I decided to use a butt plug over the weekend to ensure nothing came out.
This morning I felt the urge to go to the bathroom. I couldn't get it to come out. :-(
I took laxatives earlier but still nothing. I'm afriad I'll have to go to the emergency room if I don't pass stool soon.
Meryt: Three days of being unable to pass bowels is generally considered a problem.
Depending on the laxative you took and the dose, time to work could be 24 - 48 hours.
Next time let nature run its course when it's a weekend. It's no fun having having to stay in, but you're probably better off in the long run.
mckeefner: Long run, eh? Puns!
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1353738842 | 1353986815 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | mybustersword: TiFU the emotional well-being of a 6 year old
I was with two friends at one of their homes, along with my buddy's 6 yr old nephew. He is the coolest little kid, is obsessed with pokemon and can even build amazing stuff in minecraft. Anyways, my buddy was talking to him about how he just got a motorcycle and I jokingly called out to the little guy "hey how about it A_____ you wanna go ride on a motorcycle?"
to which he replied, without looking up from his DS, " I don't think it's a good idea on account of my dad just crashing his motorbike." Which was absolutely true, his father was in the hospital because he had just gotten into a motorcycle accident. My friend open-mouthed stared at me, while the room was filled with the uncomfortable silence of a child's smile fading. I can't believe I said that to him
coveritwithgas: He said that like that? That's one literate 6 y/o.
mybustersword: i know right? He's too smart for his own good. the fact that he minecrafts as well as he does blows my mindcraft
Flynn58: His minecraft blows your minecraft out of the water.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1353745351 | 1353775102 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: Tifu by letting my husband unload the car
I'm a workaholic/control freak according to my huBby. So I decide to take a chill pill and trust him to m handle unloading the car w outt bitching/nagging and Overseeing his work. I take my son inside and start mom duties finish up and go to bed happy that groceries are put away. Wake up this morning to take my son to school and find my car door open and my purse and briefcase w my work laptop have been stolen. - turns out hubby didn't unload my personal/work items -only the groceries and didn't think it necessary to lock the doors to my car. Now I have to explain to my boss that I don't have my laptop because my husband basically gave it away and I didn't follow up.
Tldr: didn't micromanage SO who left my purse and laptop in my unlocked car overnight. Will be in big trouble at work for missing laptop.
Daiephir: There's a difference between unloading groceries and nagging him and not taking care of **your** shit for **your** job. Unless you told him to also bring your stuff inside, how was he to know not to leave it in the car?
lgalikhan: Deleted
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1353778704 | 1354658987 | null | t5_2to41 | 145 | Kind_Of_Like_Butter: TIFU- Drinking moldy coconut water.
You would think the smell of Windex would be off-putting...
So I brought a coconut home from the store today. Yeah, I know. Wrong time of year. But I wanted one. I cracked a couple holes in it with a screw driver and drained the water inside into a glass. I took a sniff and it didn't really seem right, but what the hell. I took a nice gulp and immediately regretted the decision.
"Ok, so that was bad. Maybe the inside will be better." I cracked the rest of it open and started to eat the flesh. Again, not so good, but I want coconut dammit. I kept cracking more off when the flesh separates from the shell. A large portion is covered in green and black fuzzy mold.
I had to kill the taste so I washed it down with apple cider and a peanut butter cookie. Evidently not the best choice. Now I'm sitting here awaiting my punishment.
At least I don't want coconut anymore.
adberq: I unfortunately did this the other day with bacon. Luckily didn't have enough to make me sick. It was take-home I got at my favorite bar and grill unfortunately.
With that said, unless you're allergic to molds, I can't imagine it doing much to you. Aside from it tasting horrible.
[You can have some of my coconuts](http://i.imgur.com/MuJGB.jpg)
The_one_who_says_lol: after all of the spam links of assholes pooping i have seen today...no thank you.
[deleted]: It's safe, promise.
TheOffspring123: i checked it, its safe
| 5 | 29 | |
1353784814 | 1353802172 | null | t5_2to41 | 216 | [deleted]: TIFU by fapping with shampoo.
I thought it was kinda hot, so I tried it.
Covered my dick in shampoo and went to town. Note, I'm standing over my toilet, it's 11:00 at night.
Next morning, EVERYTHING's covered in shampoo suds. Towel, shower, toilet, ground, even ceiling.
A couple days after that, my skin on my sack is peeling and flaking off.
**Edit**: What the fuck, you guys.
**Edit2**: Fuck you all yolo swag nigger republicans gay queer dicker OP reddit sucks. My jimmies aren't rustled and I misuse memes trololol umadbro.
just_call_me_joe: That's what baby oil is for, but don't use baby oil with condoms; it will melt them.
Now, if you really want to cum like a rocket, try putting a hairbrush handle in your ass while you fap.
EDIT: I love how everyone thinks this is a reference to that AMA.
EDIT: Make sure you use your **own** hairbrush.
[deleted]: is that a reference to that dog in an AMA or something a while back?
brycedriesenga: Colby :(
Mawntee: I swear to god...
Walican132: Link Please?
Nautical94: [You must be new here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/zw3j9/i_am_the_fatherredditor_who_lost_his_family_after/)
| 7 | 30.857143 | |
1353793041 | 1353799613 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | timb899: TIFU by drunk texting a coworker.
So we actually had gone out to dinner and a movie before. When I got back to my place my buddy and I decided to get hammered. The coworker already knows I have a thing for her and told me flat out shes not looking for a relationship, which was nice of her. So my buddy and I get trashed as all hell and for some reason sent her just a really drunken message. It wasnt that bad, just askin her if she wanted to come to my place and see a movie. But I was still drunk as hell and it looked pretty desparate. The punchline is she actually texted me the next day and said she was sorry she fell asleep. Who the fuck does that. So thats my fuck up.
[deleted]: Yeah who knows even if she's not up for a relationship maybe she's down for a booty call? I'd drunk txt her again.
timb899: Yea, doesn't seem like the booty call type.
[deleted]: The only "type" of booty call girls are the ones who come over at 1am when you are drunk. You won't know until you try... a few times.
| 4 | 5 | |
1353794742 | 1353977930 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | RagingVoodooSorcerer: TIFU by shitting myself
I had been sick with a stomach virus for the past few days and had diarrhea. I had trusted a fart that wasn't and left streaks on my pants and underwear. My new blue jeans are now my new brown jeans. My scooby doo underwear is now my scooby doo doo underwear...
TreeLove520: Lost it at scooby doo doo underwear.
LordGreyhound: Me too and I'm at work.
TreeLove520: I'm sure you got many weird looks from coworkers. Always a fun time :D
| 4 | 8 | |
1353795009 | 1353798951 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | nastybacon: TIFU thinking my 15yo cousin sent me a picture of his dick. Turned out it was his finger.
So my cousin whatsapped me a picture. It was a bit blurry and dark, but I realised what it was. I contacted his mother and informed her that he's got issues sending pictures of his erect penis around (and to family as well!). The kid has some mental health issues anyway.
As you can imagine, hell broke loose. Turned out the picture was of his black cat and he was pointing at it. (confirmed by some photoshop work!)
Oooops.
Awkward!
flavroftheweek: > I contacted his mother
Yeah, that's where you fucked up. You could have just messaged him asking why the hell he sent you a picture like that, and he would have cleared up the misunderstanding. It's a good idea to talk to people about things first instead of acting like a third grader and telling their mother.
nastybacon: I know, but there has been incidents in the past regarding his possible sexuality and due to his mental issues, not quite applying the correct discression. I did jump the gun, I did fuck up, hence posting in TIFU.
| 3 | 23 | |
1353797419 | 1354162683 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | SparkyDogPants: TIFU and peed the bed. I'm 22
Completely sober, just too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom. All of a sudden I feel the release of my bladder and stop it, run downstairs and peed. Now my pants smell bad and I feel bad.
FinalDoom: I forget what I was watching, but I recently heard someone say they wouldn't trust anyone who hadn't crapped themselves at least once as an adult. Same goes for accidentally peeing somewhere, as far as I'm concerned. It happens, you deal with it, then you laugh.
SparkyDogPants: I won't lie, I have crapped myself as an adult multiple times. I don't know what it is, but sometimes during sex I orgasm so hard I literally get the shit fucked out of me. I'm generally good at hiding it but once I left a little skid mark on his white sheets. It was horrifying
[deleted]: As a virgin guy, I would laugh if a girl I was with peed the bed. I wouldn't consider it a deal breaker, I'd think that's cute. A girl that completely shits the bed whether drunk or otherwise...long, long talks. [A girl who I fuck so hard that she can't control her bodily functions and skid marks the bed?](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mao1op0prI1rukneno1_400.jpg)
SparkyDogPants: Your posts were all kinda sad, I got halfway done
[deleted]: Oh, you actually read them...yeah, depression isn't the best thing in the world. I think that when people realize that I'm depressed, they distance themselves. There are a lot of reasons I don't enjoy life, but sometimes depression is a good thing too. It helps keep me grounded in exchange for having no delusion of happiness.
SparkyDogPants: I just surround myself with happy people to cover my depression up, and write the occasional emo poem
[deleted]: Not to sound like a stalker, but I did go through some of your links and comments as well and answered [one](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/11qise/its_never_fun_but_what_the_nicest_way_youve_ever/c77w2ml?context=3) that I found particularly interesting to contribute to.
FinalDoom: Finally checked inbox. You two should have a cute internet emo-mance or something. :)
| 9 | 8.222222 | |
1353812918 | 1353844978 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,292 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate: sending my mom a sex tape
Alright, this is a EPIC update from [this] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13p9op/tifu_by_sending_my_mom_a_sex_tape/) post.
So, after the initial explosion from my mom, she refused to speak to me. After going through all the witty and funny comments and words of congratulations on my epic achievement though, i felt way better but still somewhat bad about the situation. Around 8 o'clock tonight, I hear a knock on my door. Lo and behold, it's my dad. He actually drove 2 1/2 hours to my dorm to come see me and put my mind at ease (and of course, visit me).
Turns out my mom, is the totally opposite of mad. She is freaking thrilled. She apparently thought I was homosexual (due to lack of girlfriends and the like) and when she saw this she was actually **HAPPY**. I'll admit, my mom's a religious nut and I can see where the thought of me being homosexual is appalling to her. So when she see's her only son banging a more than attractive female on camera, oh yea, she was ecstatic. My dad quoted her on saying 'About damn time he got it in, i thought he was a fucking flamer.'
She's still extremely mad at the fact I had sex outside of wedlock, but nonetheless her mind is at ease at the thought of having a gay son. My dad isn't upset at all. As many a redditors pointed out, he is proud of his son. The man even bought me some alcohol for my 'future drunken adventures'. The situation has taken almost a complete 180 degree spin and I'm so relieved. Thanks to everyone and their encouraging advice/witty comments/ and the like!
EDIT: For future references, i'm not posting the video. Or pictures. Or anything for that matter. I hate to feed the skeptics but I don't care. I just thought my story was meant for reddit and I'd get a good laugh out of it all. But all this 'need confirmation' is really annoying. Not happening. Deal with it. I didn't come to reddit to post those kinds of things. So I say to [you] (http://i.imgur.com/9WbAL.gif)
[deleted]: ಠ\_ಠ
What a loving mother...
pondiki: "He had sex before marriage? SINNER! Oh well, at least he isn't a dick sucking faggot."
tuneznz: At least she is consistant...?
1C3M4Nz: Not a big deal but its *consistent.
armaniac: I make that mistake all the time with existance.
Ninja edit: Wait. Fuck.
edit: real tyop ;)
tuneznz: Blood brothers, of the shady spelling bee underground
Xok234: YOU DARE SPEAK OF IT?
tuneznz: Quite now child, they are still not certain what night we meet.
P.S. See you Tuesday
ChopStickInMyPeeHole: well it was a real nice secret organization we had once.
| 10 | 129.2 | |
1353849849 | 1353927346 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | taiwanesebanana: TIFU and Made a Complete Fool of Myself While Trying to Teach English
Ok, so here's some background so this makes some sense. I'm a highschooler in Taiwan. Yesterday(I would have posted this then but suppressed the memories until now), I went with a small group of students from my school to a small, relatively rural middle school to teach English.
After an incredibly awkward hour of trying to coax two kids into speaking English, I decided to just take them to the basketball court, where everyone else seemed to be converging. I talked a bit with my friends, wandered about, and then slipped in a huge puddle beside the basketball court. It looked quite shallow but was filled with sediment, which concealed the real depth of the water and made it nearly frictionless. I landed on my rear with a huge damn splash. Everyone laughs.
After I recovered, someone hands me some toilet paper and I cleared off most of the soggy sand stuck to my trousers. I headed for the men's restroom to dispose of the tissues. After chucking the tissues into a toilet, I completely failed to find the damn flushing thing, partly because my mind was preoccupied, partly because it was dark. There was a red button on the wall. My thought process at this point was "*Button.* Must be it." I take a closer look for a label. Inscribed on the metal plate is "Press to exit." Hm. "*I certainly do want to exit.*", I think. It's shrouded by this plastic thing. At this point I'm totally frazzled and I press the button anyways. Heck, I can't find the stupid flushing thing anyways, right? Immediately, an alarm goes off.
*crap*
I somehow find the flushing pedal in like 3 milliseconds and book it out of there as fast as possible. Apparently that stupid ass button was an alarm for if someone tried to molest you, which was not something I had seen before in any Taiwanese restroom.
Anyways, now to every single student I am going to be the slipping/alarm guy forever.
PartTimeBadman: I think those buttons are for disabled people to summon help, not to help prevent molestings.
taiwanesebanana: I asked a student and their answer was something along the lines of "someone stole somebody's undergarments." I asked for clarification, because my chinese is pretty bad, but that's all I got from them.
PartTimeBadman: Those Wing-wongs and their pesky language, eh?
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1353853558 | 1353934663 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | xorg112: TIFU by blacking out in the train
I was taking the train home from the city, pretty early in the morning, as I was out clubbing. I was quite drunk and tired thus fell asleep (or blacked out, I don't know anymore) pretty fast. I woke up without my jacket, the pockets of my (expensive) jeans were cut open and my wallet was missing. I gotta keep my drinking under control, getting robbed sucks....
[deleted]: hum, you were lucky you weren't involved in the mugging then..
xorg112: I don't live in a particular dangerous area, so I don't think they would've done it if I was awake...
yingmail: I also lost my wallet on the train. feelsbadman.png
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1353857802 | 1353979607 | null | t5_2to41 | 463 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling face first into dog shit
Playing a night game of ultimate frisbee with my buds.
One of my friends makes a horrible throw and it goes sailing off into the night and lands on the other side of this street right across from the community park where we are at.
Well, I started to jog after it. I get to the curb on the other side and miscalculate my step. I catch the edge of the curb and head face first into a pile of dog poo. I mean my face was a shit stain. Forehead, cheeks, nose, mouth, the whole entirety of my face was covered in it. And not to mention I landed with such force that some of it went up my nose.
Now I can't get the smell out of my nose..
Fuck up of my week indeed.
[Update](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13sv39/tifu_update_falling_face_first_into_dog_shit/)
bippyz: Serious suggestion: dip a q-tip in lemon juice. Swab nose. Swear, scream, snort out your nose for a n hour.
No more smells.
Used many times after working at a bar where there was heavy smoking.
[deleted]: I might give this a shot. Thanks for the suggestion :)
Hazelrat10: Sure. While you're at it, another serious suggestion: dip a q-tip in molten lava. Swab nose. Swear, scream, get treated for third degree burns, get infected in the area and suffer from vision loss/paralysis/death.
No more smells.
Used many times after working at a bar where there was heavy smoking.
[deleted]: No need to be rude.
Hazelrat10: I didn't intend to come off as rude, so I apologize. I was only pointing out that there are less painful and more effective ways to get the smell of shit out of your nose.
[deleted]: I know, I was simply just trying to be sympathetic to anyone who was trying to help.
Hazelrat10: True, but (I'm assuming that you fixed the problem) his suggestion was stupid. He was giving out false medical advice. You have/had fecal particles in your nose, which putting lemon juice in your nose would not have gotten rid of. The guy who suggested the neti pot had it right, it would have washed out the particles.
If you don't think unproven medical advice is that harmful, you might ask [what's the harm?](http://whatstheharm.net/)
[deleted]: It's not that I think its not harmful, I'm just not one to call people out on it. My thought is 'If your dumb enough to suggest it, you don't deserve to be corrected on it'. But I only say that in very specific occurrences such as this one. The physician also suggested the neti pot idea, along with lukewarm water. My nose is quite thankful for it!
| 9 | 51.444444 | |
1353867241 | 1353879886 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by missing a 'that's what she said' opportunity
I'm currently taking Stats at University and my professor was apologizing for the lecture he was about to give; he said "It might be a bit dry, probably is.". Immediately followed by this perfect silence - I'm surprised nobody else said it. In my defense, I sit right up at the front and I'm not convinced this professor has a sense of humour.
rastapasta808: Oh man you really fucked up there! This is definitely the right sub for your story
Chitaiyah: ah, I am farmiliar with sarcasm, if you know of a more appropriate subreddit feel free to let me know.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1353871165 | 1354083176 | null | t5_2to41 | 132 | gabrieloratorian: TIFU by fapping after a sandwich
I decided that making a nice bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on toast would be a nice touch to start my morning. I'm the type that likes a kick in my food and thought a cerrano pepper would do just that.
After I finished eating and holding that cerrano pepper like a man, I decided a quick fap would make the morning splendid.
WRONG
The moment my hand touched my penis I felt the most excruciating pain EVER. I quickly ran to the sink and started splashing cool water all over my penis. That didn't work, so I ran to the freezer and grabbed ice, that helped a little but my sack was so red and burned.
I'm currently in my room laying on an ice bag.
I learned never to touch my penis after any pepper again.
NSFW I guess.
ElusiveGuy: We need a 'days since TIFU' for burning penises with pepper. Maybe that will discourage people.
gabrieloratorian: I'm now on some frozen expired green beans.
HolycowLooper: Appropriate response
| 4 | 33 | |
1353881398 | 1353908299 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | ra01062: TIFU by thinking soup wouldn't be difficult to make.
Steve2982: Well, you got the garnish right. What was it *supposed* to be?
ra01062: It was supposed to be a carrot soup. However, it seems my blender isn't up to par for soup.
Steve2982: Yeah, I tried broccoli soup once. It was so fibrous, it was like wet dryer lint. Maybe it just needs to be pureed longer.
ra01062: Probably. My blender simply isn't strong enough, so unless I need some kind of paste, I'll probably stay away from soup for a bit.
Steve2982: Haha, soup IS easy, you can do it.... just find something where chunks are okay!
t3ddftw: Potato soup!
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1353908958 | 1353988009 | null | t5_2to41 | 100 | xiPlayWithCrayons: TIFU by blowing up at my dad in the middle of a Chinese restaurant.
Okay, I'm fifteen so I'm in that stage of hating my parents and thinking I'm always right and blah blah blah. Despite this, I hate giving my opinions when asked a question so not to interfere with what someone else preferred.
Well tonight we went and got some chinese food and I *love* buffalo wings. My dad suggested we get a plate and split them in half with two flavors.
It kinda went like this:
Dad: "What flavor you want, Stacy? I want lemon pepper."
Me: "Well, buffalo would be-"
"Oh, let's get teriyaki."
"Dad, I want buff-"
"Or some sweet and sour."
"But I don't like sweet and sour, can't we get bu-"
"Sweet and sour it is."
So I give him this look and he says "What?" so I just shake my head. Our food comes and I only eat a couple of the lemon pepper so that my dad won't gripe about how he didn't get any. He looks at my untouched portion of the sweet and sour.
"Why aren't you eating your chicken?"
"I don't like sweet and sour."
"Yes you do."
"Wha- no I don't. You're not me, you have no right to tell me what I do or don't like."
"Don't talk to me like that young lady."
"Maybe if you woulda listened to me, we could be enjoying our meal instead of arguing."
"Stacy, ya know what? Just take the goddamn Lemon pepper ones."
"No."
"Stacy, take the fucking chicken." *pushes it over*
"I don't want your MOTHERFUCKING CHICKEN!"
I stood up and my chair flipped over, cracking against the tile floor. Waitresses and customers were looking at me, my dad had this enraged expression that made me want to melt into the floor.
Reddit, I fucked up.
TL;DR: Goddamit, I just wanted some fucking buffalo wings.
5guysburgersfries: STACY! TAKE THE FUCKING CHICKEN!
xiPlayWithCrayons: NO.
5guysburgersfries: You were supposed to say "I don't want your MOTHERFUCKING CHICKEN!" :(
xiPlayWithCrayons: I mess up everything. Can we start over? D:
5guysburgersfries: Okay... STACY! TAKE THE FUCKING CHICKEN!
;)
xiPlayWithCrayons: "I don't want your MOTHERFUCKING CHICKEN!"
5guysburgersfries: [Excellent!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnKXiQzgbm0)
| 8 | 12.5 | |
1353834603 | 1353916872 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by flirting with a girl I don't like
So at school I was flirting with a girl I don't like, just so we can become better friends and gain a closer relationship with her, and now she has told all of her friends that I like her. Her friends continue to confront me about it but I can't say yes Iike her because I have a thing with someone else. I also can't say no I don't like her because if this thing doesn't work out I won't have a back up.
Hanfyoghurt: well... i think you need to find out what you want.
Amarevita: He obviously wants tasty mangoes.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1353911778 | 1353960376 | null | t5_2to41 | 197 | [deleted]: TIFU Update: falling face first into dog shit
So, here's a nice short update from [this] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13rfmc/tifu_by_falling_face_first_into_dog_shit/) lovely fuck-up of mine.
So, I went to a local physician Sunday afternoon. My friends (and some of you wonderful redditors) suggested I go get myself checked. Well, good thing I did. The physician told me it was a wise choice coming to him. After checking my nostrils and mouth, he suggested some anti-parasitic medication as a precaution. So now I'm temporarily on Albenza to destroy possible roundworm larvae in my intestines.
I'm not sure if this is possible, but I might be having an allergic reaction to this medication. I can literally taste nothing. AT ALL. Back to the doc in the morning! Great way to start the week.
zombiecyborghitler: Bright side- the taste of poo is gone?
[deleted]: Definitely a bright side! And I not to mention I was smart and went to the doctor and that proved to be a good move on my part. Better to be safe than sorry!
Munchy29: Best of luck! Hope that shit was... clean?
| 4 | 49.25 | |
1353916310 | 1354041456 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | awesomebolt: TIFU eating chicken wings.
Actually a few days ago but whatever. So I went to Smoke Eater's with some friends who convinced me to do the Hellfire Challenge with them. Mistake. You're supposed to eat 12 of their hottest wings in 10 minutes without water or napkins, then wait 5 minutes to let the burn really sink in. I pussied out after 3 wings. The spice was horrific, my body was literally going numb. What followed was about two hours of throwing up in the bathroom and intense stomach pain. Later that night was torture Hellfire doesn't just describe the wings going in, but going out too. I actually thought I had a chance at doing it. As Marcellus Wallace once said, fuck pride.
TL;DR: Tried to eat extremely spicy chicken wings, ended up with a crushed ego and a destroyed butthole.
Divine_toothpick: Reminds me of the time I got the hottest wings available on my college campus, just for the fun of it. I enjoy flaming hot cheetos, so how bad could these be?
2 bites in and I started crying like a little school-girl. I'm guessing the chef shed blood, sweat, and tears and sacrificed a goat to Satan to make these wings
Draygon_Slayer: That link doesn't work. Was it CWU by chance?
ErikT45: Central Washington University has wings that hot?! My friend goes there I MUST VISIT!
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1353933202 | 1354050020 | null | t5_2to41 | 178 | doomedDunce: Tifu by giving my elderly patient her heart meds twice.
So I'm an ass. Basically, I'm a carer for the elderly; I go to their homes and make them food and give them their meds, bathe them, etc. Other carers go to this house, too.
My regular shift in the morning is that I come to her (client is an old lady) to give her breakfast, morning meds, clean her. Usually her time is around 10-11; so I came around that time.
I'm a bit pre-occupied as I had recieved some crushing news that has made me feel depressed; and addition to that, I got traumatised by The Walkinh Dead's latest episode (When the Dead Come Walking)
So I made her breakfast, prepared the meds amd everything. Just after she took the goddamn meds, I open the carer's log book and see that somebody has been already here for her breakfast and meds. Then I double-checked her medicine pack and see that I gave her the next day meds.
Called my office and told what happened. They're calling for an ambulance now and I'm just watching her if she gets wheezy or something because apparently there are two tablets that is to lower her heart rate and so on.
What I know is, if the worst happens to her, say like she hits the dirt, that's 2nd degree manslaughter already.
**tl;dr:** I fucked up by double-dosing my patient because I'm pre-occupied from thinking about some personal stuff and The Walking Dead. Ironic that I feel like a dead man walking atm. Thanks for reading.
**EDIT:** Guys, thank you *so* much for taking the time to read my post and giving your input... I haven't really heard anything about her yet but there are more chances that she's ok. I talked to someone who's also a nurse, and she said that people who are *under or over* dosed usually doze off, sort of weak, which she is on a *normal* day. But on that day that the incident had happened, she was very chatty, very responsive to me and to the shows she was watching on tv, which means she'd more alert— more like how a normal person should be. The only thing I'm worried is about is the other worst case scenario for me— a lawsuit. My manager was already blanking me yesterday, didn't say squat about anything, not even a 'hi' or 'what happened' kinda question. Looks like I pissed her off big time. About the **pay**, carers anywhere do not get paid enough for such responsibility, like someone said here on the thread. There are times that the office screws something up and when the relatives sees us, we always get yelled at, asks what the hell is our use if we can't do things right, we get bashed with words basically, which is more or less verbal abuse. But we can't do much because, as they say, "its part of the job".
About the **log book**, I always, *always* check thy first thing above anything, but that day, I just don't really know why I didn't. Thanks for reading guys.
[deleted]: And THIS THIS is why I am IT.
In a worst case scenario. I mean, if I completely fuck the up. The worst most terrible thing that can happen is I get canned and maybe payroll doesn't process.
You want a kick in the balls? Hows this for a kick in the balls...
A) bet I make more then you
B) totally and completely self taught. No college loans to pay off.
supbanana: OP probably doesn't have college loans related to this particular profession. Caregivers typically get hired off of the street and receive minimal training before being sent out to be responsible for a stranger's life. I was a nursing assistant (working in nursing homes and for a hospice) and my training was free - in fact, I was getting paid to do it.
The job is decently rewarding but has its moments - no one likes cleaning up another person's waste. I had one patient accuse me of abuse (which never happened, another aide goaded her into it) and actually had the Department of Justice show up at my house, guns flashing on their hips. I could have gone to jail for that patient's lies for a whopping $10/hour job.
That being said, there's no doubt in my mind that you make more than OP. Caregivers typically make right around minimum wage and, as you can see, that wage is covering the responsibility for another person's life. Right now I'm on work comp and I'm making more money not working than I ever made doing frequent overtime as a nursing assistant.
[deleted]: I thought caregivers was the lowest rung of the nursing track. My bad.
Still though, my point about being paid barely above minimum wage but being saddled with possible life altering mistakes is on point.
happlepaff: If someone is being a caregiver for the money and glamour then they are a bloody idiot. The thing about care is that it's a job which is rewarding in a way that could never be reproduced in a different industry.
It's not for everyone, the hours generally suck and the pay is universally shitty, but there is a huge sense of satisfaction in knowing that you did something good today.
[deleted]: Or at least that is what people higher up on the chain that make more money then you - and assume less risk, tell you.
happlepaff: What? I'm not someone who has exclusively worked as a carer. I worked as a stage manager before that, did a bit in retail, and did some semi-official tech support. I can tell you as someone who is actually experiencing it that I really do enjoy working with the residents.
I actually work on the intense care unit in a care home for people with late-stage dementia. It gets interesting :P
[deleted]: Why do you accept any pay then?
Why not do it for free?
Or donate your pay?
I am suggesting you are being taken advantage of by people above you.
What I am saying is this. You are (potentially) one mistake away from fucking up someone else's life. Because of that you deserve more.
It is kind of like when I worked at McDonalds when I was a kid (one million years ago... had to walk up hill to and from school. We couldn't afford clothes, but could afford broken glass and hone...).
I was barely getting minnimum wage there. It seemed like every goddamned day I would get a new burn.
I started thinking about different types of jobs, how people got hurt on them and how people got compensated.
It just didn't seem fair to me that the more money you got, the less you fucked up your body. I mean, my pain and suffering was literally worth nothing, it might have been worth less then nothing.
As I have gotten older that thought has matured and grown legs. I have noticed that as you get paid more, mistakes are tolerated MORE.
As a peon, some days I feel like I am getting criticised for every little nit picky thing.
Meanwhile, my boss, who is barely competent to do his job is rarely held accountable for anything at all.
I had another job some years ago where I was close to my manager. She was the opposite of the one I have now - fully competent. She got canned because HER manager fucked up. The higher up you go in the manager train - the more you get paid and the more job security you have - all at the expense of the job security of the people below you.
The theme - and I think that the low pay/high risk of caregiver demonstrates this - is that there is a tremendous imbalance of pay/risk in jobs. That people higher up take advantage of people below them to provide themselves with job security.
When you say, 'Oh I enjoy the job so much - I take so much personal satisfaction out of it. Suffering the pay is just something I do for the love of others.', it just makes you sound so sad.
happlepaff: Oh god, sorry. I completely missed your point: i thought you were implying that working in healthcare sucks and I should move to something else. I was explaining why I like it.
I do agree with you; the pay is shoddy for the responsibility. However, I'm aware that there are a large number of people who will do the (literally) shitty work for the sake of actually having a job and an income, however small, and that for that reason my pay will never be high.
I also hadn't really thought of your assesment of pay/risk ratios and how they relate to the corporate world. I'd only really thought of it in terms of different fields (for example, a journalist might piss off people if they screw up and they earn x amount of money, whereas a brain surgeon could kill an awful lot people so they earn a lot more). I'd never thought about comparing a journalist to, say, his manager.
I'm doing this as a temporary thing. Next year, I'm (hopefully!) heading off to medical school. I have boundless respect for people who do this long-term, but I also do wonder how the hell they manage to live. I do take personal satisfaction out of the job, but I'm aware that I have to put my needs first, as it were. In this case, I am not earning enough to live on, were I renting in the real world (as it is, I pay a small sum to my parents to cover rent).
[deleted]: Entry level jobs exist for a reason. So that you can get experience and move the fuck out.
A good company will have high turnover in entry level positions. Help Desk and computer operations (entry level in the IT field) should always be hiring. Not because people quit, but because as people build up a bit of seniority they move into different positions.
When I interview for jobs I pay close attention to there expectations of the people in those jobs. Too many help desk 'lifers' is a bad sign.
happlepaff: You're absolutely right, but I think you need to draw a distinction between 'entry level' and 'bottom rung'. In the case of the help desk, then yeah, there are ample oppertunities for advancement. With a care position, you're basically heading up to go into medicine as either a doctor or a nurse. Both of these positions require very high grades and a decent amount of luck. If you don't possess these, then the care job is basically a dead end street, and I'd say the majority of people I work with are not headed into a medical/nursing career any time soon.
Of course, there are other routes. It's just that they tend to be fairly obscure and low-volume, so not exactly snapped up.
[deleted]: I see your point about no where to go within the company with the care position.
But lets face it, someone that is going into nursing is going to have a lifetime of cleaning up gross messes, dealing with unpleasant people that are not having good days and handling the responsibilities of medicine.
I would imagine (and I may be wrong, I know nothing of healthcare) that doing the caregiver thing for a year will pretty much let you know if it is worth your time to pursue medical school.
happlepaff: It's not a question of whether you can stick the job; it's a question of how many of the carers I work with have left high school with sufficiently high grades to ever get into med/nursing. I suspect that most of the people I work with have not.
It's a position for (amongst others) people who *badly* want to work in healthcare, but don't have the grades/money/whatever to go to medical or nursing school.
| 13 | 13.692308 | |
1353940908 | 1353945293 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | 6713250: TIFU by sending my ex an angry email.
So long story short, the love of my life broke up with me. She led me to believe that I was the love of her life too, and I opened up to her like I have to no one else. So when she broke up with me, I was broken, shattered. After a few days I decided I wanted to get back with her. When I brought up the idea with her a few days after that, she said "why don't we meet soon and I can make things clear." I (presumably correctly) assumed this meant no, and so I gave into the fact that we are never going to be again. Up until this point there was the possibility that we could be friends in the future (months away, not immediately).
So, I wrote her a letter by email, essentially conceding defeat and giving my opinion about what went wrong, and saying that I don't think I can remain in contact with her, because it would only lead to heartbreak, and this was essentially my goodbye message. I mentioned an event that we had tickets for (next week), and I said that would be the last time we would hang out.
I read this letter at least a dozen times, and I thought it was ok. I really didn't think it was spiteful, and when I did express my anger I thought I expressed it in a thoughtful fashion, making sure to state that I wasn't angry at her but at circumstances.
She sent me a short email back basically saying that I am an asshole for making assumptions about what went wrong and that she won't be going to that event. Maybe I've let her get to me too much, but she's right. Subconsciously I wanted to upset her with that email, to make her feel like shit for what she'd done to me. I told her I didn't want to meet to "make things clear" because she would only be repeating herself.
I am a fucking asshole. I emailed a reply (which I know I shouldn't have done, I should just let the past be the past) conceding that I'm selfish and that I do want to hear what she has to say, and asking at the very least if I can give her the tickets to the event, because it was her that wanted to go anyway.
So now I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox and checking my phone and unable to do any work.
not_a_novel_account: My girlfriend of 5 years just left me a couple days ago, pretty much the same boat as you.
No Contact is a thing for a reason, I think /r/breakups would have some good advice for you, everything I'm saying people there have said far more eloquently. I'm not going to say you're wrong, hell right now I want to call my ex and beg. But it's no good man, broken relationships are broken for a reason, even if we're too caught up in the middle to see it.
It's hard as hell, but you have to try to walk away for awhile. Distract yourself with anything, with friends, family, video games, books, go driving. For me, I go on walks, I walk for miles in the middle of the night just listening to music and reflecting. The pain doesn't go away, but it gets a little duller. The distance you gain will help in the long run, you'll be able to see where you stand more clearly.
You may very well have lost her for good, that might be for the better, it might not. But you can't do anything about it where you are right now. Don't contact her, get away, clear your head, get some of your life back put back together, whatever you have left.
6713250: I've accepted that it's over, but I've caused her unnecessary upset, and I feel like shit about it. I want to make it up to her, but I don't know is that possible.
not_a_novel_account: You're thinking like a boyfriend or a friend, you're not those things anymore. We all make mistakes, but you and I have lost the privilege of cleaning those mistakes up.
Basically, it doesn't matter if you set the fire or you were just in the building at the time, it's not your job to put it out. So ya, you fucked up, the best you can do is move on
6713250: I can't let it go as easily as that I'm afraid.
trouphaz: It's ok. You'll feel like shit about what you did, but just don't do anything about it. You won't be able to make her feel better about it nor will you be able to make yourself feel better. All you can do is give it time.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1353947094 | 1354043585 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,162 | PhatDaddy420: TIFU: I left my hungry friend in the house alone while I went to the store quick.
So this happened Friday night, I had a friend come in from out of town, and it was about 7pm and we didn't eat yet. I had to bring a friend's laptop back to her quickly, she lives 5 minutes away. I tell my friend grab something in the fridge, I had mostly fruits and veggies, humus. Not his style, he opens the freezer, spots cookies.
Edit: These are highly potent weed cookies made with clarified butter (no "grass" taste).
He had 6 cookies, normally I wouldn't care, but these were some strong ass fucking cookies, as in, I have two of these cookies and I'm GONE.. This guy is a very casual smoker, like one or two puffs once a month if that. And he just had, what I would call A heroic dose of weed.
Anyways, I get back at my house, to find my friend playing some borderlands, I sit down, play with him, not knowing the above yet.
This is about 1h after I left ~40 since I got back, and my buddy just stood up and started pacing around, saying, man, this is so weird, I feel so weird.
A little confused, I asked him if he ate anything weird, or sniffed the humus before eating it (in case it was bad, but it's only 3 days old), and he tells me no, he just had a few cookies from the freezer.
My jaw dropped, I asked him how many he had, he said 4-5 (i checked and he had 6). He looks as me, with the same face of OMG, and says, what's in those cookies man..??
Here started the night of hell.
1h after cookies: Constant talking about random
2h after cookies: He starts freaking out, he's floating
2h1m after cookies: He starts bawling, thinking he's going to die and feels guilty about anyone he's ever wronged.
3h after cookies: Eyes closed, but still talking about his personal life, from life, death, friends, family, who he's slept with, everything.
4h He's passed out, it's now 11PM.
4PM the next day, he woke up, thinking it was all a dream.
He was upset I didn't warm him about the weed cookies, but I didn't think he would raid my freezer either, in the green container under everything stashed in the back, to avoid exactly this.
He said he thought he found the long lost cookie goldmine, and didn't think I would mind.
I didn't mind, I had ~40 cookies, but I think he will now not eat a large quantity of misc cookies in a freezer anymore before asking...
TL;DR: Friend ate some very special and potent cookies out of the freezer because he didn't like the food in fridge. They were very very potent weed cookies. Freaked out, and slept 17 hours afterwards.
I'd like to point out I'm a daily heavy smoker, and 3 cookies puts me on my ass, and half a cookie was enough for my friend to get a pretty good vibe. I have no idea what went on in his head, other than what he said and behaved.
I also took care of the guy, and not mock him, cause I'm not an ass.
UPDATE:
I was speaking with my friend, and I guess he's piecing everything back together, good thoughts, bad thoughts. He contacted his dad who he hasn't spoke to in many many years, as it was something that bothered him during the episode, trying to fix thigs with his ex (not the Eskimo), as he realized what he did, what he wants to do, what he wants to be.
He is saying as fucked up as it was, it "change my life man, I've got a new outlook on things". He wants to fix his wrongs, and be a better person.
He's not a bad person at all, but I guess there are things that he's gone over that he doesn't feel right about and wants to fix it to appease his conscience.
munzarelli: You didn't fuck up. You now have a hilarious memory to look back on.
PhatDaddy420: Kinda funny, but he was freaking out, kinda killed the friday night. But I do know who he slept with. And it turns out we are Eskimo brothers.
Draco-mancer: I love that show... The league...
PhatDaddy420: What, you don't know your own wife's vinegar strokes??
Draco-mancer: Shiva CominisotaCondalcrom!
PhatDaddy420: |Shiva CominisotaCondalcrom!|
Shiva Kamini Soma Kandarkram
Draco-mancer: Oh well now i know.
| 8 | 145.25 | |
1353951353 | 1355839942 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | OJoyitsWilder: TIFU by showing my grandmother a picture that made a joke about old people dying
I was on Facebook a few months ago and everyone has seen those "If you love God like and share. If you love the devil keep scrolling" which annoys the piss out of me. But I stumbled on one that actually made me smile. It had a picture of a sweet old granny with the words "If you love your grandmother, like. If you want your grandmother to die keep scrolling". So at Thanksgiving we were all going through our phones, sharing funny memes and pictures that we had saved at the family table and one popped up on my phone with a dirty sex joke and I showed my mother. When my grandmother asked to see it my mother gave me the death stare so I quickly flipped it to the next one and showed her the granny one instead. Unfortunately the joke didn't translate and she handed me back the phone with a sad look on her face and said, "well that's not funny". And it wasn't.
fctd: You share dirty sex jokes with your mother?
OJoyitsWilder: [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/DmY7y.jpg)
Thagame: How was that dirty?
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1353959463 | 1354437482 | null | t5_2to41 | 251 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally and unwillingly drenching myself in another man's semen.
This morning I was leaving my house, where I normally parallel park on the street, when I saw some trash laying in the street by my truck. So I decide to be a good person and clean it up. It looked like it was just a plain blue box and a water bottle, so I bring it with me into my truck instead of throwing it into the trash right away. As I go to sit down I tip the water bottle and a very large amount of slimy, milky, stringy liquid spills out all over my hand and pants. It was at this point that I realized that the blue box was indeed a durex condom box, and sure enough, inside the water bottle was a used condom enveloped in a pool of cloudy yellowish jizz. The semen was seeping through my pants and I could actually feel it come into contact with the skin on my thigh. I then completely panicked and, while whimpering like a little girl, sprinted back to my house to shower in my clothes. I have never been more grossed out in my life. I think I need to throw the pants away, I can never look at them the same way again.
[deleted]: Throw the pants away and burn your fucking legs mate.
Megawatts19: Burn twice just to be certain. Third degree burns heal. Cum stains last forever.
HoneyBadgers_Forever: Colby...2012?
kehlder: How the FUCK does that have ANYTHING to do with Colby? Be ashamed of yourself.
HoneyBadgers_Forever: kehlder, part your anger. Fill your empty heart with peace. You must look inside yourself, inside the world, inside **LIFE**. Now you see, EVERYTHING has to do with Colby. Life is Colby, Colby is life itself.
tl;dr: Fuck You
| 6 | 41.833333 | |
1353980530 | 1357690777 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,327 | issuesmayexist: TIFU by combining magnets with my urethra [NSFW]
I am the luckiest dumbass ever to live.
So I had the weekend at home to myself. My flatmate had gone away, a little me-time was scheduled.
Now, I like to experiment. I'd heard about sounding (sticking things into the urethra) and thought I'd give it a go. Initial experiments were unsuccessful- chopsticks were a little large for my virgin pee-hole. No big deal, I'm sure I can find something else.
Now, a little history. Do you know what Buckyballs are? They are a type of office toy, really popular a couple of years back. They are small, spherical, strong magnets. Pretty neat, they can be combined into all sorts of cool shapes. Also, they form into a lovely string.
Can you see where this is going?
Well, wouldn't you know it, a string of buckyballs slides up the urethra just perfectly. Like it was made for it. It's a beautiful thing. I pass away a happy afternoon plumbing the depths; these things can go a long way! And the further they go, believe me, the better it feels.
Readers. Readers who have owned Buckyballs. Do you see my error? Do you see how this delicate chain of balls, so exquisitely suited to its purpose, holds my doom?
So, evening rolls around. I decide on one last plunge. This cop is a day from retirement. This space miner has discovered a nest of funny-looking eggs. This hitchhiker is rolling up to the Bates Motel. And this is one last plunge. In they go. Ten, twenty, thirty beads. More. Forty? Fifty? I don't count. I don't care. It feels good.
I feel at this point I must explain a little more about buckyballs. I have described them as a chain; this is not so. Each ball is separate, only held to the next by its magnetism. And what do magnets love to do? They love to stick together. Remember this. I did not.
My last plunge, my final dive continues. Soon, better than half a metre of magnets is inside me. I am through the prostate, through the sphincter, in the bladder. I push on. I hit the top of the bladder. I am possessed. I push on. The buckyballs, the magnets, start to bend and curve back towards themselves. Still, I push on.
-click-
I hear a sound from deep within me.
The sound of two magnets meeting and mating.
Suddenly my beautiful chain of balls is a tangled magnetized lump. In my bladder.
This is the worst possible thing.
But now I have lengthened my tale overlong. Panic stations were activated, rationality and sobrerity returned, and I started to pull. Gently, oh so gently I pulled. This chain, this thin chain of balls was still held together only by magnetism and hope, and now there was resistance. At any moment the chain could break, would break, was certain to break. And if it did, there would be no hope. Nothing short of surgery would remove them.
Still the chain held. All the way down, right down to the penis. Did you know, the smallest diameter part of the whole system is the end of the penis? I do. Oh, I do. It stuck. A magnetic lump of steel, a centimetre wide, stuck an inch from freedom. Locked behind my penile gates. The chain broke. Many times, the chain broke. But the blockage was so close to the end that, with care, it could be reattached. Only to break again.
Of note here is the pinching. I hope you do not know the pain of a thin layer of penile skin being pinched repeatedly between two powerful magnets. There was blood. Even now it throbs.
The end, however, was in sight. The magnet clump was out of the danger zone, the operation zone; it was in my penis. I could control it. I could win. And, with the help of a knife and a ballpoint pen lid, I did.
**TL;DR: I'm not sure I'd advise sticking 74 magnets up your dick.**
EDIT:
*To my eternal surprise and gratitude, Shadekitty has made a beautiful and stirring audio recording of this harrowing tale of mine. [The Sounding Saga!](http://soundcloud.com/rac91790/the-sounding-saga#)*
EDIT 2:
[Update!](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/14cjnb/tifupdate_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra/)
bmcnult19: Do I want to know how the ballpoint pen and knife were used exactly?
timetraveler1912: Yes, yes you do.
bmcnult19: Well?
timetraveler1912: ... You don't want to **know**
bmcnult19: If you **say** so.
timetraveler1912: I *do*?
bmcnult19: every time, sixty *percent* of **the** time.
Edit: Fuck. I can't remember *the* quote**.**
timetraveler1912: I'm glad you understand me.^or ^do ^you?
bmcnult19: no. quite frankly, not at all.
timetraveler1912: Then everything is going according to plan.
bmcnult19: So you don't have magnets in your urinary system? thats good I guess.
timetraveler1912: Is it? depends on the person really.
bmcnult19: I guess it does. Although I can't think of an example where having magnets in your urinary tract would be a good thing... at least in a long term situation.
timetraveler1912: How about a short term situation that ends up being long term? Also you would not need to think of an example, just let it be.
| 15 | 155.133333 | |
1353993426 | 1354178603 | t3_13ubcm | t5_2to41 | 5 | thefidlerontheroof: Haha! No, pal. At least not really. And you are not your dad.
Tolerance comes from a variety of things like practice, height, weight, sex, and blood volume (which increases with weight). Mmmmaybe genetics but i;ve never heard or read anywhere that genetics has anything to do with it.
I_LIKE_THAT_SHIT: actually, i know for a fact, because i have a bit of native american in me, that it is common for native americans to have a weaker liver than average, so yes, genetics affect tolerance as well. its unfortunately really, but ive built up a decent tolerance i guess. although, im studying abroad in denmark right now and the fucking viking alcohol tolerance DWARFS mine haha
thefidlerontheroof: informative reply, thank you
I_LIKE_THAT_SHIT: i try to do my part
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1353987331 | 1354129113 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | runningwithsharpie: TIFU : walked into a woman restroom and was busted
Today I went to the airport for a work meeting. I was running really close to the meeting time but had to pee. I marched into the first restroom I saw. When I walked in, I felt quite strange that there was no urinal in sight. I was doubting myself, but saw a little boy by the faucets. I went on to check on the stalls. That's when heard a Chinese lady saying to me "excuse me!" at the same time another woman came out of a stall with her little daughter. I blushed and quickly uttered "I'm sorry" and scuttled out, while feeling the eyes heavily on my back, with some probable thinking of my being a pervert.
OriginalityIsDead: I really don't understand the need for gender-based facilities anymore. Aren't we advanced enough as a society that it's really kind of pointless to differentiate? The only real difference is the presence of urinals and whether the machine dispense tampons or condoms.
mscheryltunt: not really. there would probably be a lot more sex crimes if we only had unisex bathrooms. i mean have you seen the locks on those doors? also sometimes in women's bathrooms at, for example, the beach, the doors are only waist high. which, given the current state of legislation on topless women, would make for some issues if said bathroom was shared. etc, etc.
OriginalityIsDead: Well "Sex crime" is sometimes a very broad class of offenses, and I feel people have enough common sense and decency to just go with it. Maybe I just put too much faith in humanity. What's the point of waist high doors? That just seems like oversight, or poor design.
mscheryltunt: I wish people did, but not always. Too much faith :(
Waist high doors SUCK SUCK SUCK and I have no idea who thought of them.
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1353946152 | 1354673078 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | weaselcorp: TIFU and spilled wine EVERYWHERE
I'm traveling abroad for work and I'm staying at a nice hotel in China and tonight I decided to order room service. Pizza, glass of wine and some cake. All was going well until I knocked the table, spilling a glass of red wine everywhere! Victim count: 1 white dressing gown (large stains), 1 white table cloth (Very large stain), 3 pillow cases (spots), 1 duvet (spots). Plus the carpet and wall, but I managed to blot the hell out of those and they're not visible.
I get the feeling that checking out tomorrow will be an interesting experience, especially as my room has my colleague's credit card attached to it and I'm traveling with him for another 5 days.
PoopScoopsADoop: Know how I know this post wasn't by a man?
weaselcorp: It actually is by a man, but I'm curious to hear your reasoning.
PoopScoopsADoop: What's a duvet, who cares about a wedding gown and pillow cases, why weren't you drinking your own piss?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1354011358 | 1354026024 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | SilentDream: TIFU: Went to buy COD Black Ops II.
Today I finally got my pay from work, and decided to put aside enough to buy the new Call Of Duty Black Ops. I've been playing COD since I was 16, but over the last 2 years haven't really touched my playstation or the game(s). But today, I said to myself, "Why the fuck not? I've spent this much time and money in the past, I may as well see if they have actually improved it" So I drive to JB HI-FI knowing that COD will be cheaper there. I walk in to find a huge sign saying "CALL OF DUTY BLACK OPS II" With "STD" written next to it, or so I thought. Underneath this it said pay $89 and get the Black Ops tee, which I thought was fucking lame and a waste of money.
So, I picked up the game, and curious as to what "STD" stood for and what extra's it supposedly offered, I asked the cashier, "What features do you get for the "STD" deal?" Immediately I realised my mistake, and she pulled a kind of weird face, saying the only deal is for the tee-shirt. So naturally, realising that I basically asked what are the "features" of an "STD", I promptly shut my mouth and proceeded to buy the fucking game.
Besides, now that I am playing this game, I've decided that the entire franchise is akin to an STD. It's a goddamn festering, smelly, mucousy cesspit of sexually transmitted diseases that just won't fucking go away, and the worst part is that everyone continues to bat one off over it.
Suitablystoned: quit ya bitchin'
SilentDream: Bitchin? How?
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1354055122 | 1354424469 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | Adverted: TIFU by giving a homeless man $20 instead of the intended $1
Yeah. I'm pissed off at myself.
EDIT: It's not that i'm against being generous or anything but fuck, I'm a broke college kid, 20 bucks is a lot.
tripuri: You didn't fuck up. You should be very proud of yourself. Your Guardian neural pathway decided to do you a favor by multiplying the good deed you meant to do. You might have saved a life.
Livesinthefuture: Or ended one if the homeless guy is a junkie that ODs
tripuri: With $20? That would have to be some Black Friday sale.
kehlder: Or a dishonest dealer. Get some of that ~~Raid~~Meth on the cheap.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1354059195 | 1354120500 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | Theoisme: TIFU by trying to figure out how much it would be to Fedex myself to Bulgaria instead of studying.
Hello fail !
green072410: Well? How much would it be?
Theoisme: Sad thing is.. I couldn't even work it out. College is wasted on me.
green072410: We'll blame FedEx.
Theoisme: I like this idea ! I think I will write a strongly worded letter !
green072410: Please put this on reddit, along with whatever response you receive!
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1354061229 | 1354115668 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,208 | throwaway_p0rn: TIFU by leaving porn open on my laptop and opening my computer in class for all my peers to see
**As a disclaimer, I am a 5'1'' innocent looking female who attends a prestigious Midwestern University**
Last night, I couldn't fall asleep so I smoked a bowl to myself to try to fall asleep. Instead of growing tired, I become insatiably horny and watched porn (Daredorm anyone?) until I passed out at around 4 am. When my alarm went off at 9 am, I turned off the alarm in my exhausted state. I woke up 10 minutes before class started, threw on some clothes, and ran to my class. This class happened to be a discussion (interactive class of about 20 students with a graduate student instructor). I got to class a few minutes late and the instructor placed me in a small group (5 students) and told me to take out my reading assignment for the day. I take out my laptop to pull up the .pdf, and open my computer to see dare dorm still open! I quickly click out of the website but there were at least 5 porn popups open behind it. I look around and see three of the girls in my group staring, jaws dropped, at my computer screen. I hurriedly attempt to click out of the popups but suddenly, my computer freezes! Here I am, with my porn on display in front of 4 other students that I have to work with for the entirety of the class period. I turn off my computer immediately with my cheeks burning in embarrassment. While the girls in my group clearly were disgusted by the incident, I couldn't help but notice that the boy in my group smiled at me whenever I caught his glance.
UnstoppableBeast: You *must* talk to that guy.
Leonanigans: What's she gonna say? "So, did you see my porn?"
badphish94: "So... you like DareDorm?"
If a girl ever started a conversation about porn with me... I'd probably shy away and try to act like I never jerked off before, but I'd really want to get into a detailed discussion of favorite porn-os.
Lizard: Porn-os sounds like a name for a particularly interesting brand of breakfast cereal.
unnusual_art: I thought it sounded like a kick ass phone system.
PleaseRestart: I thought it sounded like a kinky Linux distro.
Krisodd: sudo facial
baconbum: "Honey, can I give you a facial tonight?"
"Not a chance!"
"sudo facial"
"Ok..."
| 9 | 134.222222 | |
1354066514 | 1354203791 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU because my little sister thinks i'm not a good example, yet I still got wasted
So... This might be a bigger story than I tell right now.
I live for the weekend, like many of my friends do, so when we go out to party on a friday or saturday night I always come home most likely (half) drunk. (no i'm not abusive drunk if that's what you're thinking about, I'm I'm-gonna-finnish-another-beer-and-smoke-a-cig-then-I'm-going-to-bed kinda drunk)
so today my little sister was asked at scholl who her examples and idols were in life; she replied "my brother, because he's giving me an example how I SHOULDN'T live my life!
giving me the thought on how I still play a slight part in her life and how I affect it as a big brother
My fear now is that she doesn't go out because of me, and she doesn't drink because of me (to be clear, she's 18 and I'm 24)
And now, on the same day she said that, I went to a bar with some friends, and I'm almost as wasted again
I feel like I fucked up, again....
123GoTeamShake: Your sister is 18 and had to write an essay on who her hero is?
Isn't that for like...8 year olds?
[deleted]: it's a sad world in which we can't have heroes after age 8.
or be heroes to people who are older than 8.
123GoTeamShake: No one is saying you can't have heroes. But that's not an age appropriate writing prompt.
[deleted]: Community college I bet...
mensaguy: Whats with the condescension? Atleast it gives so many children from different sections of the society a chance to come out of their situations and a try at a job.
[deleted]: I'm not being condescending, I'm just saying that community colleges don't offer a very good education. I'm going to one right now and it's easier than my high school was.
| 7 | 8.285714 | |
1353987909 | 1354081312 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Coopersgreen: TIFU: Got too drunk the night and had to miss out on seeing my friends who were in town for the first time in a year
I went out on sunday night, drinking to the early hours of the morning. Was meant to catch up with a good freind on the monday for dinner, at 4:30pm Monday, I was still unable to keep water down. I had to cancel our plans. He is only in town for a limited time, and not only did I fuck up our plans, I fucked up one of his days, where he could have done something else.
TL;DR - Got drunk and had to cancel plans.
[deleted]: Should've invited them over some some hangover breakfast, man. If you're friends it ain't the setting that matters, it's the company.
Coopersgreen: I was hugging the toilet bowl, no matter how good a friend they are... no-one wants to see that
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1354063311 | 1354239682 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | MrGoldenVoice: TIFU by drinking Jägermeister for the first time, getting more shitfaced than I ever have before, and making a complete ass of myself at a party.
This was actually last Saturday night, so let's time travel back a few days, shall we? Okay. I was invited to a party where I knew everyone there. Since I knew that people would obviously be drinking, I decided to show some good will and bring something for everyone to enjoy. I brought a bottle of Sambuca, one of my absolute favorites. So far, the party is going great. I'm playing beer pong and having a great time, and so is everyone else. I look over, and see a group of people doing shots. This is where the night begins to go downhill. In a blinding mixture of vodka, tequila, and sambuca shots, needless to say I'm pretty intoxicated. A friend of mine shows up with this big bottle of Jägermeister, and I'm interested in trying it. He gives me a shot. I like it. Actually, I ***LOVE*** it. This is where the night goes from downhill, to a death spiral. I don't remember much after that, but from what I am told,I was loud, obnoxious, I began hitting with every female at the party, and began throwing up everywhere including outside, the doorway, the inside of my brother in-law's car (since he was kind enough to drive me home,) and even my room while I was asleep. Now I feel like a complete asshole around those who were at the party, I am paying to have my brother in-law's car cleaned, and now I'm fairly certain that I won't be invited to any parties anymore. Needless to say, /r/tifu, I have completely fucked up.
**tl;dr I probably ruined my social reputation by trying Jäger for the first time. Fuck.**
[EDIT] Since people will ask, I had around 25 shots in all.
[EDIT] Punctuation
Doofe_N7: I think anyone who's every had Jaeger has a story like this. That shit, man...never again.
LastOne314159: i still have the scars (real and metaphorical).
IrishJ3di: Yeah same thing happened to me at my graduation party. Somehow managed to get sick on my principal (and the bar, stairs, dancefloor, mates car and several other people).
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1354069017 | 1354137592 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by copying someones assignment and the professor has mailed us
This happened a month back. I had back to back interviews lined up on campus and I basically was doing all nighters in preparation of the interviews. The last day of the interview I also had a class assignment to submit. Obviously I had not worked on the assignment .I had initially planned on not submitting the assignment but now my friend mailed me his assignment as a reference. I had just half an hour for the class where we had to submit the assignments and I copied it , made some changes here and there, or that is what I recollect.
I submitted my assignment and the professor mails us both now asking us to meet him.
I am pretty sure I am going to be screwed. I know I have done a wrong thing. But I could not help it as I was tempted to save my assignment marks. I am willing to face the consequences but what eats me and makes me feel pathetic inside is because of me , my friend is now going to go through some trouble.
I have never been in this situation. Also if any of you guys have faced a similar situation , any pointers and experiences would be helpful.
Should I admit to the mistake or just be honest with the professor?
How bad would the consequences be?
**EDIT** : Professor called us. I told him the truth. I owned up and took full responsibility for the screw up.
I told my friend was not involved in it. Professor told us that he could send us to the academic misconduct committee and we could get maximum punishment of expulsion and minimum punishment of failing the class. But since he did not want to screw our careers , he told us to send him a mail asking for him to withdraw our submission of the assignment. My friend too was given the same punishment. :( . It was related to intellectual property rights. So an assignment should not be given to anyone else before submission to the professor.So even though the assignment had 4 marks of the total weightage of the course I feel pathetic because I was the reason my friend lost those marks too. Anyways I guess I was lucky I didnt get expelled or had to fail the course , but my friend also got 0 because of me.
Lesson I learnt: I have decided never to give my assignment to anyone and not take anyone's assignment even for reference.
flavroftheweek: I'd be very surprised if you and your friend didn't both get expelled. At my university, it's pretty much instant expulsion if you're caught plagiarizing. You should probably just be honest about it, best thing to do at this point. From what I understand it's pretty easy for professors to catch plagiarism.
elkanor: He'll fail the class, easily, probably.
My college was really not into kicking people out, but I understad most are and honestly, yup, OP deserves to fail the class at least.
>But I could not help it as I was tempted to save my assignment marks.
I can't tell you how crimson the red red rage was upon reading that. This isn't a fuck-up. This is an intentional decision to cheat and he wouldn't feel guilty if he wasn't caught or hadn't gotten his friend in trouble. He tried to steal from his friend and doesn't feel bad for that. Not a fuck-up. A choice.
flavroftheweek: I agree, if I was his friend I would find it hard to ever forgive him for such a blatant and apathetic violation of my trust. I can't believe a friend would ever do that, even if they were "frenemies."
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1354079073 | 1354138615 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | cherriesfoster: TIFU - I hit a pedestrian with my car
I was driving home when it happened. I just completed a left turn, centered myself in the lane, and an older woman was suddenly in front of me. I braked hard, but it was too late. I ran out to help her, called the authorities, and witnesses came around to help.
She may not have been in a crosswalk, dressed in dark clothes at night and on a very busy road, and the witnesses and police may have sided with me, reassured me, but nonetheless. I hit somebody with a car. That sentence is killing me.
I don't know what will happen next, but I hope the woman is okay.
therandomizer: Do not feel bad, this stuff happens and you did everything you should've done. Plus the woman's alive, so there's no grieving family to confront. I have read/heard too many stories of motorists hitting people, and driving off in a vain attempt to escape responsibility. They are the real assholes, instead of staying at the scene and getting help, which would probably absolve them of any charges, they're now in the slammer, and everyone they know thinks they are scum. You did the right thing. Even if the old woman seeks damages, you'll probably get out of it, since it sounds like she knowingly put her life in danger.
KnightmareLG: I always hear of horror stories of where the motorist stuck around and the victim died and they went to jail for involuntary vehicular manslaughter, or some such like that. Do you think those are just stories or the real deal?
Mech1: The situation is what really matters, in my state, if you walk out into the road outside of a walking zone or stop light crossing signal, it is considered a suicide attempt and the driver is absolved of responsibility. Obviously this is subject to parameters like whether you were sober or not and stuff like that.
| 4 | 19 | |
1354137942 | 1354399323 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | throwawayGamer0: TIFU - was 6 months sober and hit the liquor store on the way home from a meeting.
i don't know exactly what sent me over the edge yesterday because things have actually been going quite well... anyone else have these slip ups?
(and by meeting i mean work meeting... not AA)
EDIT: Wow, I just wanted to thank everyone for the responses. Unfortunately (or maybe it was fortunately...) I ended up drinking with my sister that night and it's about the dumbest thing I've done in quite a few years. Worst decision ever, as I spent all day yesterday dry heaving and not being able to eat... (I am a T1 insulin dependent diabetic (diagnosed 2 years ago) and a chronic pain patient from a 6 yr old work injury) so my blood sugar was extremely low all day. I began beating myself up with thoughts of 'how stupid could I be', 'i've made it so far, why did i do that?'. I also spent the day reeling and thinking about how dangerous of a situation my relationship with alcohol can be but I feel as though, how /u/Anotherfuckwit put it, this was a "minor indiscretion" in my life of recovery. I have a very supportive fiance who is completely on board with not drinking because he knows my issues with it and a few very close friends who provide good words. I came to reddit because I was afraid of disappointing my friends however I did end up telling them late last night when they had attempted to contact me and didn't hear from me most of the day.
It was so nice to log-on and read genuinely supportive and helpful comments. Knowing that others have had slips but have made it years sober is very comforting and has help put my mind at ease. I know I can get along without and like /u/bolthead88 said, I need to find what set me off and learn to mitigate it.
Thanks again reddit, you're amazing.
SpacedWizard: That's exactly when you have to be the most careful is when things are going well. It's easy to get complacent when life is easy and it's easy to let your guard down.
Just take it as a learning experience, pick yourself back up, and keep on keepin on.
PS- If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a message. I have 8 months myself but I'm more NA, which really covers everything
PPS- Didn't really answer your question... Yes these slip ups happen from time to time but don't take that as an excuse to do it. Like I said above, learn what you could have done differently, like called someone, and put it behind you. You can't change it so don't let it rent space in your head.
throwawayGamer0: Thank you. I put an update in the original post for those interested.
NA is really more where I would belong. I had issues when I was younger with cocaine. But I've been free of that for 3 1/2 years and will never look back. Thank you for the offer of contact. I will definitely keep you in mind. I definitely have a couple people also that I could have called and I talked myself out of it. Any thoughts on better reasoning with my not-so-wise side?
SpacedWizard: Well really any 12 step program isn't just about not using the drugs/ alcohol, it's really about relearning how to live and changing your behavior so you don't act out. The best thing I can really say for you to do is to find a meeting and go to it, and share whatever you're feeling or whatever is bothering you. Then, STICK AROUND AFTER AND TALK TO PEOPLE. Chances are a few of the people there have gone through the same thing and can offer insight. And if you don't know where a meeting is, call the NA helpline and ask.
And if you don't want to do any of that, I don't know how spiritual you are but find a higher power. It doesn't have to be any religious deity unless you want it to be, it can be whatever you want. And I do mean whatever, as long as it can keep your serenity. Also, praying never hurts anyone, so just say a quick prayer to whatever you feel is there, something like "take these thoughts from my head" or the serenity prayer: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
| 4 | 23.75 | |
1354144372 | 1354322272 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU when a bunch of neighbors saw my extremely dirty pads.
I thought I was being amazing because instead of using a sponge I decided to use a box of menstrual pads that my husband bought ( They weren't the right kind. ) I didn't want them to go to waste so I used them along with a polishing product to clean my stove top, tabletops, counters, etc. Well I went through a bunch of pads, enough to top of the garbage. So I go to take the garbage out, the bag rips and all the garbage as well as my dirty pads fly free. Just so happens my neighbor friend and his wife are walking their dog. They take a look at one of my pads that lands neatly in front of them and quickly cross the street, dragging their curious dog in tow.
Edit: To be more clear what kind of pads these were.
Krysanth: Sorry yes, they were menstrual pads, clean menstrual pads of course. I found them really good for cleaning off stove tops along with some polishing agent like Barkeeper's Friend.
Do_It_For_The_Lasers: I'm totally gonna try this. But... Not rip the trash bag
howdoesthishappen11: I'm not very familiar with the products, but I am having a hard time I figuring out how they would help with cleaning. Don't they have adhesive on one side? Are you sticking it to your hand? I am so confused lol
Do_It_For_The_Lasers: They're just really absorbent. Think: tampons were used to stop the bleeding from bullet wounds way back when, if that gives you any idea of how absorbent female products have to be.
So, unlike a paper towel which would just tear or drip shit everywhere, a pad would pretty much just soak it all up and hold it pretty well. They are sticky on one side, but you have to peel off a wax paper in order to access it, like you do a band aid.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1354148884 | 1354884487 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | party_in_my_pants: TIFU by accidentally deleting 1,2GB of psd/ai unfinished project files
So, today I was making some backup DVD's and accidentally I erased 1,2GB of PSD/ai project files ( I'm a graphic designer, btw.). So far I've tried getdataback, Recuva, and Pandora Recovery - with lousy results. Now I must deal with clients awaiting for previews for their projects that I will probably have to recreate from scratch :( I FU big time Reddit, I FU big time.
Warm_Kitty: nothing is never really deleted, it's always gonna be somewhere in your hardrive.
daredevil82: Not true. If the data location is fully or partially overwritten, it's not entirely recoverable.
party_in_my_pants: True. A friend suggested to download Hirens boot CD but forgot to mention that I should save it to a different partition then the one where my files were. When I tried restoring files with GetDataBack and Recuva, they found some psd files but said that they were unrecoverable because they were rewritten with Hirensboot.zip. Oh, the irony :(
daredevil82: Yeah, thats the thing with doing recovery: you need to install recovery programs on other disks/partitions or you run the risk of overwriting. The goal is to keep the disk in as close state as possible to when the file was deleted that the data integrity is high.
party_in_my_pants: Files were on partition D: , while system and all recovery programs are on C:, so I guess I'm more or less safe in terms of overwriting. Currently Photorec is scanning and says that it will take 50+ hours to complete :/ but so far it's recovering numerous files that other programs didn't recovered, so hopefully I'll get back at least some part of the deleted files.
Surkow: Just let it scan overnight. When I recovered photographs for a co-worker of mine she was not happy I recovered deleted photographs she purposely deleted. I tried explaining to her it would recover _everything_ it recognized to no avail.
party_in_my_pants: Now it's up to 254h left, and hasn't recovered any new files for more then 3 hours :( I don't know should I leave it scan at least a day or two or just start working now on the files from scratch :/
Surkow: Why not do both? Expect the worst - your data might be overwritten. Work from a different partition and continue with your work while the program continues scanning. It hasn't even been half a day and the time estimate isn't very reliable.
party_in_my_pants: Update: it did recovered a huge amount of files, but unfortunately not the ones I needed :( And most of the recovered files were broken anyway and I couldn't even open them so... Yeah, I had to redo most of the project from scratch. Sucked to be me this past week :/
Surkow: So much effort an no positive results. I guess you overwrote the most recent files with your previous recovery attempts. My condolences.
| 11 | 4.727273 | |
1354176373 | 1354212070 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU- Copied Homework in class that wasn't even due, then got an F
I was in my high school basic economics class, which is a ridiculously easy class because its required that all students take it so they have to set the curve really low. I skipped 2 classes in a row because I have better things to do and then listen to the teacher **READ DIRECTLY OFF POWER POINTS** for over an hour. I am a good student and barely have to study to get A's in this class.
The teacher knows I am his best student. Early in the year he asked the class what some of the colleges they were applying to were. Most kids said ASU, state schools, or party schools. And I said Stanford and UC Berkeley. Also I think its pretty obvious that I let other students copy my homework because I really don't care (it's basically copying sentences from the textbook).
So the only time when I am copying homework he grabs it from me and marks it as a 10/50. It wasn't even due that day because I was given a extra day to make up homework if I missed class. **LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON I DID THIS** was because I didn't want to make up some bullshit excuse for why I missed so much class. Thanks to this one act of laziness I have to basically get 100% on every assignment until the end of the semester to get an "A".
bladesire: >I am a good student and barely have to study to get A's in this class.
You're not a good student - you're just smart.
You sound like a bad student.
FailFodder: Oh god, I wish I realized this when I was younger.
Take it from me, being smart won't get you anywhere in university or college if you don't develop good habits in high school.
Full attendance, do your homework and all readings, and make sure you know how to study and have the patience to do so often.
I thought I would have it easy once I got to university, since high school was a breeze for me. I was smart like you, didn't have to apply myself or anything to get good or even great grades. But university became a terrible uphill battle because I had to develop these skills when I was expected to know them already.
| 3 | 2 | |
1354154608 | 1354650157 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | pikapikapower: TIFU by missing an obvious golden opportunity.
[For ambiance](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnQaqu_2Wq4)
Reddit, today I fucked up by missing an opportunity with a really cute girl.
First, a little background. I was born and raised in GA, moved to NJ for 4 years, and have recently moved back to GA. During my time in NJ, I met a girl. Reddit, was she gorgeous. A 5'6" fiery redhead with a level head and a mouth that shot off maybe once too much (which I admit, was probably my fault). I was in love, and for two and a half years she was mine, and I was bulletproof. When the time came to move back, I wanted her to come with me. Just didn't happen. First, the fights, the the I love you's stopped. Now, a year later, here I am trying to rebuild my confidence. But, I digress.
I deliver beer, so I spend a lot of time in and out of gas stations/liquor stores at odd times. This slender girl stops what she's doing and sees me roll in a stack (we deliver on hand-trucks, so we often roll in 10-15 cases of an order at a time). She doesn't work for the gas station, but she apparently was good friends with the owner. She tells her friend to hold on a second and comes over to check to make sure the order is correct. We laugh and cut up, not necessarily more than I do with anyone else, but Reddit, you know that shine that girls get in their eyes when they think someone or something is cute, god she had it and it was almost blinding. We talked for maybe five minutes, and she gave me every damn opportunity to just ask for her number, hell even just a name. But, I never asked. I need to get back in the game somehow, and work my confidence back up.
**tl;dr** I just couldn't ask for her number.
t3ddftw: Maybe I'm just too awkward but I can never find the right time or way to ask a girl for her number. I just think to myself over and over that I'm going to come off creepy until the chance is just gone.
pikapikapower: Yeah, I used to be real smooth. Now people tell me I'm creepy when I try. So I quit trying, and then I do this.
TheTacoGodfather: I never knew the meaning of being smooth. I come out creepy, because I'm trying to work out the conversation in my mind while actually talking.
pikapikapower: Breathe and just be confident, that's all that works for me.
Sean4123: Are you a Pokemon fan?
pikapikapower: Yes
kehlder: How do you get laid? Asking as a fan of the pokemons.
pikapikapower: I'm not really sure what you are asking, but I'll give it a shot. First, if you go into a relationship only looking for that, then you won't get very far most of the time. Mostly I just act calm and show respect. I was with one girl for a year before she even knew I liked Pokemon. One day it came on tv, and I made her watch it just to be goofy. From then on, she would turn it on and we would just cuddle together. Shit can't be forced.
| 9 | 4.111111 | |
1354157247 | 1354263246 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking I could replace ball joints on my truck.
So i work about a 12h drive away from home, and my truck is set up with all my equipment so truck=required.
Was on my way to work, decided, hey its getting late in the season, Lets get the winter tires on. Now i grew up on the farm so this isn't my fist dance, so when the mechanic tells me my lower ball joints are marginal and quotes me $2500.00, Im thinking, umm naw I'll do em myself. Its a 1 ton truck, how hard can it be?
Everything came apart fine, it cleaned up everything very nice . But G-D I can't get the last ball joint to press in the last half centimeter or so. managed to break my press in the last attempt. Oh did i mention im doing this outside -6deg in the sleet/rain/dreck in the mud?
So here i am, half a truck, no way to get to work, all because i wanted to save $2k because i figured i could do it myself in the driveway and save some needed cash.
Im off tomorrow to rent an inside micrometer and a new c-press. only thing i can think is that the hole in the axle is out of round. Not been a fun day.
butmudd: Could it be a temp issue? I haven't replaced ball joints before, but could you heat the receiving piece and press the new ball joint in cold?
fizzl: OP: here's your problem. You are working at -6. Get a heat gun and get the receiver nice and hot before the next attempt.
| 3 | 5 |
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