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1409431828 | 1409536309 | t3_2f16v9 | t5_2to41 | 20 | The-Mental-Patient: TIFU by holding in my poop for 5 days
Alright so this actually happened when I was in second or third grade. I used to have a bad habit when I was a kid of not going to the bathroom when I felt that I needed to go. The reasoning behind this (Freud logic aside) is that I would always be involved in something. I had a very active life. (Now I just jerk off once in a while when I'm not studying). Anyways so my point was that why poop, when you can use that time to build a castle out of leggos or play hide and seek. (By first grade I became very skilled at controlling my bowels while running). By limiting my shits to as few days a week as possible, I could save hours since everytime I went to the bathroom to defecate I would stay for like 30 minutes.
Enough background info. So like I said it had been like 5 days and I was really proud of myself that I hadn't gone because I was just thinking how much time I had saved that week when suddenly while walking I freeze and feel a big pain in my intestinal region. It got worse with every step. "Well time to take a crap I guess!". I go outside in my backyard since that was my bathroom. I would take shits out in nature because it was a lot of fun, especially on top of anthills because I thought it was hysterical when my farts would blow the ants away lol. Before you judge let me just say that this wasn't in the US at the time, and although it was odd for children to shit in their own backyards it wasn't really frowned upon and was thought to be kinda funny. (My grandma would bag it and throw it out later).
Anyways I'm outside, pants off, squat down and push. Nothing. "Wtf?! Why isn't it coming out? Ok ok lets just relax" I wat a few minutes and push again harder. I keep trying harder and harder still each time and nothing. I'm about to cry. I start yelling for help. "Mom! Dad!! It's not coming out this time!! Mom!!!!" My parents and my grandma come out. My grandma is laughing. "I told you! I told you if you hold it in it's gonna get so big that it won't come out! Hehe it's stuck now!". My dad is also smiling but he just tells me to relax but its been like 40 mins at this point and no sign of any progress. My brother joins the party too. He was like 2-3 years old. He notices the panic in my face and starts crying. "Omg! Is he gonna die? What is going on?" He didn't help the situation much because now i started crying too.
My parents go behind my to investigate my asshole. "Push! Push again!" says mother. I do but nothing. "Oh my god! Its really not coming out!."
My dad also starts getting kinda worried. "Get the olive oil. We have to lube him up." My mom goes and gets a healthy dose of olive oil. She spread my ass cheeks apart and my dad starts lubing up the area. I continue to cry. The neighbors start to peak over the fence. Seems like the whole village might get wind of this.
Anyway i give it one last final push after its all lubed up with my mom still trying to spread my cheeks and my dad stretching my butthole when final this huge ass log of thick poop finally gets out. Relief but it was at a cost for my asshole was injured. It was tore up pretty badly. I still have a scar there as a reminder of what happens when you don't shit for a week. I haven't really skipped a day since then.
TL:DR: I held in my shit for like 5 days and it wasn't coming out so my parents had to lube up my ass with olive oil for it and the poop was so hard it tore my asshole and scarred it for life.
RighteousJelly: Yeahhhhh this is fake as fuck.
rr92969901: He's a dog...
RighteousJelly: I don't think so because there's a part in the beginning that says, "Why poop when you can be studying." Or something along those lines. Last time I checked, dogs don't go to school are study.
| 4 | 5 | |
1409368000 | 1409522126 | t3_2ez6me | t5_2to41 | 2 | SolKool: TIFU by raging after getting a wrong ebay order.
So I was looking for a film protection for my iPad and realized that it would be cheaper to order them online, since I live in the middle of nowhere and electronics and such are really overpriced. I looked at ebay at an awesome offer from China and since I have bought stuff from there before I just decided to order a 5x package. It was like $10 I think, and I would get some spares that I could even sell back in my town. Anyway, the order would take about a month or so to arrive (which is usual when you choose free regular air mail) but this one took like 3 months to arrive, I had even forgotten about them. When the package came I was excited to finally remove the original packaging from my iPad but then I realized they were all back films and not screen films, and I was so livid I was about to throw them in the trash, but decided to have a go and see how they look. I try one and there's some bubbles and instead of taking the time to remove them I said fuck it and rip it apart and try a new one, after all it was just $10 for all of those. Second and third one were really misaligned, number 4 was kind weird and I didn't like the way it looked, but I assumed it was because I peeled it too fast, decided to do it slow on the last one and looked like crap still. So there I was $10 poorer and no film for my screen still. I decided to look into my local online ebay look-alike and see if there was a cheap film, but I couldn't find one for less than $9, and guess what else I found? those back films that I tossed around, and they were $15 each, and they were selling like hotcakes.
TL;DR: Bad hand eye coordination cost me $75.
JonWesHarding: mmmm. sorry man, but this post isn't all that exciting. I'm sorry, but it's kind of common. I bought D batteries the other day and gave them to a buddy when I found out I needed C's. Turns out I actually needed D's. See?
moleymoleymol: If I had gold, or a job, I would give you gold. You are a national treasure.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409433292 | 1409967991 | t3_2f18wl | t5_2to41 | 6 | parker2020: TIFU by asking a girl for a second chance....
Sorry I've been busy all week but things have been going down hill fast with her...
So last sunday I decided to finally talk to a girl that I've liked for a while on the phone. I thought she licked me too so my plan was to ask her out on the phone rather than via text. She agreed to talk and I confessed that last year when we were talking I wasn't focused on us but on other things. She asked me what things I was talking about. I didnt want to tell her everything but it was a full disclosure moment... so I then proceeded to tell her that I wasn't completly focused on us but on track and field, school and something else... she asked what the something else was and I told her about me liking her friend. She got really mad at this point since I told her this last year and it mad her mad then too.
I've tryed talking to her since then but she hasn't responded to my text...
Tl;Dr I'm an idiot for telling a girl I like I used to like her friend....
chiefalzar: is her friend single? ^-^
parker2020: Not anymore.
rod1g: of course not, you hooked up with her right?!?!?
parker2020: No she got back with her ex....
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1409434886 | 1409466022 | t3_2f1b81 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: tifu by thinking my aunt's sister was her dead mom
A few months ago, my family went to Texas, to my cousin's wedding. I spent all morning with my aunt Kim, helping set everything up and so by the time we got to the wedding, I was exhausted. Anyway, I walk in and the first person I see is a woman that I can only describe as terrifying beyond all belief. Remember I said this wedding is in Texas, so this woman had huge curly hair all the way down to her butt and bright green eye shadow all the way up to her eyebrows, and with a body comparable to Yzma from The Emperor's New Groove. So as you can imagine, I am shocked when I see her for the first time. She comes right up to me and says, "Oh my goodness! You are so grown up and beautiful! I remember holding you when you were a little tiny baby!" I respond with the first thing that pops into my mind, "Oh hello, you must be Kim's mom! It's so nice to meet you!" She responds with stunned silence and I realize I just fucked up big time. She turns to me, looking like I just slapped her in the face, and says "No actually Kim is my sister" My jaw drops in shock and I apologize with my brother and my aunt Kim standing behind me trying not to laugh. I kind of just walk off awkwardly after that and try to avoid her the rest of the night while she stares angrily at me. Later that evening I find out that their mother had passed away a few months ago, making me feel like even more of an asshole. Also my aunt is in her early 40's and her sister is around 50.
AMadWalrus: Why don't you just say your grandma..?
SlamJammin64: I guessing her aunt isn't a blood relative.
| 3 | 5 | |
1409435792 | 1409466467 | t3_2f1cgg | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally telling my father that I drink
I think this must be the most stereotypical TIFU post ever posted on this sub, but I'm gonna post it anyway.
This weekend my near and extended family have been staying at a hotel to go hiking and to climb some mountains. This includes my father and his brother (my uncle). Their relationship is made up of a lot of joking and "friendly" mocking. Often on the expense of each others or in this example, me.
So yeah, I'm 16 and my parents are very strict about keeping age restrictions, no matter what they are or how legal it is . When I was ten I was denied watching Harry Potter for a whole year because the age restriction was 11 years old, and my mother often check the age limit on movies I watch. So drinking of course is a big no-no.
This is of course something my uncle got to know about and began to mock my father with. Since I just turned 16 this year and since my cousin began to drink regularly with my uncle's approval at 16, he seemingly made it his goal in life to let me taste as much alcohol as possible that weekend, and made it really, really obvious ti everyone else, but not as obvious that anyone could prove anything to my father.
So well, as I walk down with my cousin from the dining hall to the main building she begins to ask me about my strict parents and my drinking habits, and as I answer obnoxiously loud: "no, I drink, but haven't told my parents that I drink. Since they're so strict about tasting, how would they react to me actually drinking?" my father suddenly appears behind a bus parked just a few meters away, near enough to have heard absolutely everything. Needless to say, we immediately stopped talking and went quickly to bed and I'm terrified of having to talk to my parents tomorrow.
8YearOldCodPlayer: Honestly America has the most stupid age limits, I feel like 90% of the population doesn't actually follow them anyhow. I had started drinking at around the age of 6 in China before I moved to America and I was so surprised at the 21+ alcohol consumption rule I was like wtf. Back in my teen days I've known many of my classmates to watch porn and it seemed like it was the common thing to do. You should confront your parents about the situation if possible since really, these rules are only in place for the minority, who can't control their porn habits, who can't stop wetting their pants when watching pg-13 movies, or who can't control their drinking addictions. Your probably not one of these considering u've been able to control yourself when tasting.
273748490102838374: Good for you
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409439220 | 1409442564 | t3_2f1hbe | t5_2to41 | 9 | Cracklicker: Tifu by licking a carpet rock
Today I was enjoying my lazy Saturday afternoon when I spied a small reddish crystal in my carpet, for some stupid fucking reason I decided to lick it.
The spot on my tongue where I licked it went slightly numb, so I took a bigger lick. Yup, it's crack. So I threw it off my balcony, because fuck that shit.
An hour later I'm sweating bullets, so I turn the A C on. When it kicked on, the sound made me jump, now my hands are shaking and I'm paranoid as fuck.
Tl;dr: don't lick random rocks you find in your carpet.
crosshairs308: Not crack, but crystal meth. Not that that's any better. Enjoy the ride.
Cracklicker: I fucking hate this apartment. I wish I had more time to look for one, but we had to move in before my brother's college semester started. We found a fucking needle in the garbage disposal.
| 3 | 3 | |
1409439753 | 1409457431 | t3_2f1i29 | t5_2to41 | 49 | ChEbrewdog: TIFU by shaving my balls with a cheap razor
I'll keep try to keep this short.
I am in Austin, Texas for some business the past few days and packed my normal toiletries. Toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, shampoo/bodywash, deodorant, and my trusty trimmer. I opted to not pack my razor because I wouldn't need to be completely clean shaven.
Anyway, I happened on one of my old girlfriends from high school at a local bar last night and we got to talking. We were really hitting it off and kind of re-kindling the ol' flame. After a few drinks and some great conversation, I was getting the vibe that she was into me and confirmed it by a long kiss at the end of the night. That's where it ended. We exchanged numbers and parted ways with plans to meet up tonight for dinner and drinks.
So I am getting ready for the date and am about to hop in the shower when I take a good look at my manhood area. It looks like that neighborhood lawn that never gets mowed. So I decide to take my trimmer to it and do some manscaping. Everything is looking good except the balls. I try to do my best with the trimmer but it just feels prickly, like a dangling porcupine from my gooch. So I throw on some clothes and ask the front desk for a razor. I get the shittiest looking razor that probably cost a dollar or less.
Anywho, I get back to the bathroom and start to shave (dry, because I am an idiot) and it just isn't working that well. I jump into the shower and keep trying and it seems to be working better but still a pretty crappy shave. I start to press harder to get those few straggling hairs. Lo and behold, I take a nice sized chunk of skin out of my nutsack with the most blood you have ever seen.
So now I am sitting here with a blood soaked towel on my nuts telling you about my fuck up. Moral of the story... don't shave your balls with a shitty razor.
ClownFetishes: You're a dumbass. It doesn't matter how cheap the razor is, you just have to use lubricant. In this case, you should've jumped in the shower and slathered your balls with soap. Then you take the razor and streak against the grain.
[deleted]: Nononono, OP is a dumbass cause you never shave your balls. TOO FUCKING RISKY! Just do the best you can with trimmer next time and hope that the next girl doesn't like to lick your dangling sausage spheres.
yoyoyo_its_me: you are missing out on a whole lot, those hairs are like a force field from extra sensation
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1409439820 | 1409442116 | t3_2f1i54 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Ba1anc3: TIFU By having sex on the living room floor with my gf while her daughter slept upstairs. (NSFW)
So I didn't know where to post this and it is somewhat of a fuck up but quite honestly I feel like I took one for the team.
So today I fucked up by having sex with my gf on the living room floor while her daughter lay asleep upstairs. There we are going at it but trying not to be too loud so as to wake her daughter who is asleep upstairs. I am about to finish and I am still going hard so within a split second I had to play some scenarios through my head..do I jizz on her back? No that would take a second to clean up and her daughter could walk down. She wasn't going to suck it because she didn't want her daughter to walk down on that sight. lol Sooo..I unloaded in my fucking hand then went to the bathroom to clean up.
I have mixed emotions about the pool of my dying potential sons and daughters lying in my hand that night.
TheThinMan34: You should have left it at the title.
Ba1anc3: People would have thought the kid walked down man. Lol
| 3 | 1 | |
1409440681 | 1409441703 | t3_2f1jak | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving the microwave on
So let me just start off by saying, this did indeed happen about 20 minutes ago.
After a few days of lingering arguments with the Ms., I decided to be a good partner. I had a perfect night planned out for her when she got home from work. I bought some flowers, chocolate, and a dinner for the kings. Her favorite, Chicken cordon bleu.
about 3pm, I threw the chicken in the microwave to thaw out and set the timer for 60 minutes. Now obviously this was too much time, but i was confident in knowing how long they needed to thaw out. After about 15-20 minutes, I hit the cancel button on the microwave. In a bit of a pinch for time, I decided to start setting the table, and also set up a few cheesy flower petals on the bed, and set some incense around the room for later on in the evening. Everything was going great. Flowers were on the counter, chocolates set right next to them, table set with candle burning. "Great. Everything's perfect. I'll go get ready now." I said to myself. So I hit the shower and brushed my teeth. I decided to really spiff up for the dinner. Suit, tie, the whole works. I had just finished getting dressed when I smelled something burning. I brushed it off thinking it was just the candle.
However, to my horror, when I walked back in the kitchen, there was a flame from hell erupting from my microwave, scorching everything in the room, including my flowers and chocolate. Shit. Grabbed the fire extinguisher and played fireman. After extinguishing the flame, I assed the damage. Chicken was definitely thaw.
Now I sit here on Reddit. Wondering what the hell I'm going to tell my girlfriend. [Here](http://i.imgur.com/AeqfS0Q.jpg) is what I'm working with. Help. Me.
TL;DR: made dinner for my girl, burned the kitchen down
domesticadventures: Nope! That is very obviously a fire that did not start in a microwave, nor was it small enough to have been put out with a fire extinguisher. You can clearly see where part of the wall and a window was ripped out and there's no foam from a fire extinguisher having been sprayed every where 20 minutes ago. For that matter, everything is dry in that room. If this had just happened the room would still be smokey/hazy and wet from whatever put the fire out.
Edit: Also, that's an under-cabinet mounted microwave, not a counter-top model, sitting on top of the stove where it fell when the wooden cabinets were destroyed.
doctorish: [OP is a douche](http://archive.app.com/article/20130519/NJNEWS/305190063/Support-offered-Seaside-Heights-firefighter-who-lost-home-twice-year)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409440621 | 1409466326 | t3_2f1j74 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating before I lost my virginity
Bear with me as this is my first story I'm sharing with you guys.
So this happened last night and I feel awful.
I've been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months and we're both virgins, so we were both obviously nervous about doing the deed. We both decided we were ready for it though so we needed to find a nice place to actually do it, and the odyssey of that search is a whole other story, but the mention is relevant.
Finally though we decided we could get her roommate out of her dorm for a night and that would be the night. I'd been holding in masturbating for about a month now though since we had many incidents that didn't pan out as mentioned previously.
Her roommate being out of town that weekend was a last minute thing though so she told me I could come over right as I had finished my morning wank. Now normally I would have just kept holding it in but this has been nearly a month of me trying to hold it in so I decided to just screw it and let one loose. Normally this wouldn't have been a problem had I not been saving up but I decided to make this one a doozy so I was completely drained.
Fast forward 8 hours after classes and I'm at her dorm. We get hot and heavy and start to warm up, now the problem wasn't that I could get it up, the problem was that I since I was so drained my dick was flat out numb. We finally do the deed and it should be feeling great, she's loving it at least, but I can't feel shit, I even dumped the condom at one point to see if that would increase sensitivity!
Nope nothing.
I just keep going for nearly 2 hours and I'm finally getting somewhat of a feeling but as this happens she just pushes me off. I asked what was wrong and she said I had to stop, of course I forgot it was her first time too so she was still sensitive.
Apparently I had been going so hard I was starting to hurt her. So I stop and asked if she could at least finish me off with her mouth, of course another 20 minutes later she's exhausted and tired and I still haven't gotten off!
At this point she starts to ask if I can't get off because of her and I feel awful, I try to explain the previous wank but she's still sad and in pain from my over eagerness.
Eventually we both go to bed still feeling awful after the whole ordeal. I woke up this morning and had to leave to work and she said it still hurts and I'm positive I hurt her feelings, so I feel like shit.
TL;DR: Pounded my virgin girlfriend into oblivion with my meat stick, hurt her feelings, never got off on my first time.
Maxed2k0: That is not normal sir
DaRealWabbit: I honestly posted this hoping someone would clarify my numbness, now I'm just more worried
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1409440282 | 1409513328 | t3_2f1irh | t5_2to41 | 6 | _cuntbossthrowaway: TIFU: By walking out of work
Today (well, friday) I fucked up because I walked out of work in a rage. For context I work in a restaurant. Basically, I was working a 12-12 shift with an hour break whenever my boss decided. I was gradually feeling more and more poorly as my shift went on. I told one boss that I felt really headachy and sick but he left work before I went on my break. Anyways, whilst I was out with another colleague, I threw up and threw up again when I came back into work. I tried telling my boss but he wouldn't listen. Work was fairly busy but there was enough staff on. So in a nausea induced panic, and rage at my boss being so ignorant, I just walked out. I rang later on to apologize and explain my point of view but he just tried telling me that I had fucked up the whole floor and that the restaurant was a mess because of me, which was untrue because I had explained what was happening with my tables to a colleague before I left for my break.
I'm now stuck wondering whether or not to go in tomorrow and face him, as I took today off due to embarrassment.
This is the same boss who has previously called me a slag and told me to go fuck myself.
bhavana1957: I believe that safety regulations in regard to restaurants require you to not be at work if you are expelling body fluids (vomiting, diarrhea, etc.)
_cuntbossthrowaway: I do so too. Every single one of us had to take food hygiene courses. He didn't let someone go home for three hours once after she had been sick.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409442434 | 1409541597 | t3_2f1lok | t5_2to41 | 790 | VirginNightThrowaway: TIFU - My Virgin Night Story - Haven't heard one to beat it yet. Happened more than a decade ago, but someone said this belonged here. (Posted first in /r/gonewildstories - not that NSFW)
###My Virgin Night Story
Throwaway because I've told this story to a few folks. I trust them not to identify me.
**At Work**
So I'm 16 working at Wafflehouse one evening and end up serving 3 girls from school who would not have given me the time of day there. They recognize me and we talk a bit before they end up inviting me to a party not far away. A quick call to my dad, who said I could go to the party when I got off at midnight (a decision he regrets and I am grateful for), and they arrange to pick me up. Much to my surprise, they actually do.
**The Party**
I arrive to a packed 1 bedroom apartment with a bathroom off the bedroom and am immediately offered a can of beer. I take the only empty seat in the house; middle of the couch between a very drunk looking big guy and a very pretty girl. She was already a little sloshed and we hit it off well. A lot of smiles all around.
About this time, my bladder (which is not used to beer) needs emptying so I go stand in the line, which extends into the main room. Before long, I make it into the bedroom and realize that there is a couple in the bed going at it. The line to the bathroom is just kind of standing there watching so I don't mind doing the same. It was very informative to say the least.
After using the bathroom, I go back to the couch to find that the pretty girl saved my seat. A short time later, the couple comes out of the bedroom and she leans over and says, "Do you want to go to the bed?"
"Sure. Let's go."
It was that easy. Once we were naked in the bed, I didn't notice the line to the bathroom at all. I won't bore you with the details, but I was able to finish twice (once very quickly and then a not as short time later) and we went back out to the party, though we had to find new seats as ours were taken. Needless to say, I didn't mind at all. I was flying high.
**The Pool Party**
Someone at the party said we should go swimming and a bunch of us went for it. Before long, there are 12 females in their teens & early twenties and 7 males (myself included) all naked in this pool. While I only penetrated my girl while in the pool, I kissed at least two others while doing so. I cannot emphasize how exciting the pool party was. I am so grateful for those memories.
**The Other Party and the Car**
The oldest guy in this mix got a call about another party where they had acid (which I was completely unaware of at this point and was NOT ready for) and some of us packed into a few cars and off we went. The car we ended up in was the oldest guys. It was a 5 day old Eagle Talon and he bragged that he paid the most you could for the car. It had the racing everything. This should be fun.
**The Adrenaline**
So this guy shifts into 5th going 100 (mph) on the onramp to the freeway. The speedometer goes up to 180. He ended up cruising at 160 with the tach at 4,500 rpms, 1,000 from the orange bars and 2,000 from the red line. I looked from the instrument panel to the road just in time to see a semi come into view up ahead. From the time I could see it in front of us until I couldn't see it behind, the damn thing didn't appear to move. I distinctly remember the wheels not turning as we went by. It freaked me right the fuck out and I asked the driver to slow down.
He slowed to 120 and we were coming up on a part of the freeway with a tiny drop off between sections of concrete that makes your tires go *thump thump* as you go over at 65 or 70. I don't know if you've ever been airborne in a car, but everything gets real quiet. Except the engine. It whines hideously as all resistance is removed. We were probably only in the air for a split second before the tires hit again, but it seemed like an eternity.
**The Wreck**
When we hit pavement again, we were still in the middle lane (of three), but pointed slightly to the right with grass on the right and the dividing wall to the left. Instead of trying to drive straight or spinning the wheel to the right in hopes of spinning out safely, idiot old guy spins to the left and we end up into the wall at 120 and grinding along for 500 yards before hitting a divider that was sticking out a bit and spinning out into the middle lane again and finally stopping.
What I experienced was seeing the wall coming and trying to brace myself, but it was happening way too fast. The left side of my face hit the back of the passenger headrest, which bounced me back into my seat hard enough that I bounced back into the headrest again. Bam! Bam! Then I was able to get my arms out on it so that didn't happen again as we ground along the wall.
Sparks are flying everywhere and the sound was horrendous, but the worst thing was the smell. Burning oil and engine so potent that inhaling it started a sort of hyperventilation, rapidly breathing in and out involuntarily, causing you to inhale more of it. I just kept my arms up until we spun out and stopped, thinking, This is bad this is bad this is bad this is bad...
**The Aftermath**
When we finally stopped, my first thought was I'm deaf. Then I realized that everything was just really quiet compared to the sounds of the last few seconds (which again had seemed like an eternity). My head hurt and my girl and the driver are not conscious. There was nobody in the passenger seat to get the door on my side, but the driver door was wide open, so I started smacking him on his face, which had blisters from the airbag already. This woke him enough to roll out the door, which prompted me to start smacking my girl, who quickly woke and stumbled out before joining the driver in passing out again.
So I'm standing there stunned hanging onto the center divider when the truck we passed pulls up and runs out saying he already called for the ambulance and that everything is going to be okay. I responded by promptly throwing up a fair amount of blood. My parents were both nurses, so I know that this is a bad sign. Apparently so does the truck driver because he runs back to the truck and starts screaming into his radio.
**The Ambulance Ride**
When the ambulance got there, they strapped us to backboards and loaded us in before speeding off to the nearest hospital. I don't know if you've ever been strapped to a backboard before, but I could only move my toes and fingers. Nothing else was even an option. While I appreciate them protecting my neck and back, I soon became nauseous again. "I'm gonna puke!"
"No problem"
I am picked up off the shelf and flipped from my back to my stomach on an axis running straight down the middle of my body in about a tenth of a second. Later, I was told this is used intentionally as it is very effective at getting it over with already. Well, it is and I found myself again throwing up copious amounts of blood, this time into a waiting trashcan lined with a biohazard bag. I did it again once more before we got to the hospital. They sped up each time.
**The Hospital and the Great Escape**
After x-rays and other stuff including some good drugs, my girl and I ended up in rooms across the hall from one another with open doors. It was nice to have the distraction and we were cooing at each other and blowing kisses. Then, she puts her finger in front of her lips and says "Shhh" before sneaking out of the room and down the hall. She was brought back by some cops about 10 minutes later and tried it again, but was brought back immediately. Turns out she was a 14-year-old runaway who they had been looking for for a while. (Keep in mind, 16 at the time and she told me 16 and looked it.) I never saw her again, but we had quite an adventure together and I hope she's okay.
**My Aftermath**
I ended up with 9 broken bones in the left side of my face. 3 in the orbit of my eye, two each in the cheekbone, nose, and jawbone. The blood I threw up came from my nose. Apparently, our stomach can only take about a pint before it rejects it. I had minor surgery to take pressure off my eyeball at the site of the outside corner break of the orbit and have a tiny, almost invisible scar there. My front teeth had a 1/8" gap between them until the wreck, which fixed me right up. Also, my left eye is closed slightly when open & doesn't quite close when I close them, and my jaw is a little less prominent on the left side. Both are superficial and noticed by few until I point them out.
They sent me home the next day with a big bottle of pills which my mom insisted I take. I refused the first and second days, saying I didn't need them; I mostly slept. The third day I woke up begging for them. My head hurt so bad! For the next two weeks, I woke up to drink my meals, pee and take another pill before going back to sleep. And then I gradually came out of that haze.
**Conclusion**
So that's my virgin night story and I haven't heard one to beat it yet. I will not provide proof as I can't without identifying photos, but I assure you that every word is true. My parents sued the driver and when I was 18, I got $10,000. I went through it in a month, mostly taking all my broke ass friends out to eat in groups of 6 or 8 and out to the strip clubs a couple of times, with only two broke ass vehicles to show for it. If there's a lesson here, that's it. You never have as much money as you think you do and it goes fast.. Thanks for reading.
(edit - formatting)
Volatilize: I used to work for an auto body/towing service.
Every now and again there'd be a bad accident, usually involving kids, and usually a fatality. I got used to it. It was just my job.
One time on the weekend I was going through town and was stopped at a red light. This black audi comes flying up behind me and slams on the brakes and barely stops in time. They had the windows down and the bass all the way up. I saw them and just rolled my eyes. 'Another bunch of douchebags that are just gonna get themsleves killed....sigh.'
They turned off at the next light and I didn't think about them again until I saw the news that night. They had been tboned by a semi literally 10 minutes after I saw them turn off. They did not survive.
I've seen things; things that would make your arm hair stand up and your stomach churn and none of it gets to me. But those kids...all just out of highschool, killed by their own stupidity moments after I joked to myself about the very thing happening...
Life is cruel but has a crueller sense of humor. I'd wish you good luck in life but it sounds like you already have a whole bunch. See you round.
astuteobservor: fuck, that was heavy.
Volatilize: That was three or four years ago. To put that in perspective, I just turned 20. I could tell you stories for hours.
emgee992: Moar storiesss
Volatilize: About six months ago we had one where a lady was driving her sedan through our town to another town 15 miles away, along a very busy highway. This was at 7am. In a double yellow line zone, a guy in a small suv towing a boat decides this is a good place to pass Sedan Lady. So he guns it, swings out, and hits another car head on, and slams back into sedan lady.
The road is just a fucking mess. Car on the road, cars in the ditch, boat in someone's yard, mangled trailer in someone else's yard. Now, of course, you'd assume that no one would survive.
You'd assume wrong. No one died. In fact, the At-Fault SUV boat guy is not only fine, but decides to *flee* *the* *scene,* figuring that after getting drunk at 7am and wrecking three cars and his *friends* 50k fishing boat and hospitalizing two people, the best course of action is to run away. Mmkay.
The other SUV driver was ambulanced with minor injuries; his suv was bigger and was less damaged. All the cars were totalled, obviously, but he was ok. Sedan Lady was not nearly so lucky. The EMTs immediately called in the nearby helo and got her out of there. She's ok now, but given the state of the car, it's surprising. If she'd had a front passenger, they'd have been pulped. The kicker, though, is that she had sent her husband to X town first, with both her kids. Had the whole family been in the car, things would have been much more complicated.
Ultimately SUV guy was turned in by his wife, who was not impressed. Sedan lady is ok, as is Other SUV guy. Boat was totalled along with the vehicles. First boat I've hauled without a trailer. Fiberglass scraping blacktop is like nails on a chalkboard.
Volatilize: About a year and a half ago, right on the edge of town (pop 900 and lots of dogs) a guy leaving town passes out, stomps on the gas, swerves into a yard, and firmly wraps his truck around an 18 inch white pine tree at 80 mph. He is very, very dead. Got on scene while firefighters were trying to extricate the body but his legs were pinned under the crumpled dash. Jaws of Life weren't really working too well. So we took the wrecker and used the cable to bend the dash back so they could pull him out. Oddly, he's very intact but still dead. Turns out he actually was neglecting his type II diabeetus and died before the car even crashed. Also he hit the diet soda like he actually had a death wish. Back of the truck was full of soda cans and garbage. After he crashed, it was all over a poor man's yard. But we cleaned it up.
The tree is fine, too. Just a little scarred. :)
cassity282: when I was 13 i heard a boom. it was in the early hours of the morning. i hadn't finished my summer reading. so mom and i were sitting there when dad came down stairs. "what was that?". we didn't kno. so dad went out and looked. he came back "i don't know. maby a bonfire berreal exploded" and we went back to bed. then we heard abulances. so mama and i went outside . we stood in the nabors years. i saw somthig laying by the mailbox. it was a body. then i saw that part of a car was at a tree. there was a leg. i saw it moving.a girls leg. she didn't have a shoo. and i heard the officer talk to somebody.she was almost dead. not quite. car was holding her together. then she died. the next day we found out that those people were brother and sister. they were erik and jenny. and they were supposed to be at my house in the morning to help my brother move out. but they didn't show. because they had died when they hit the tree next door. had they veared only slightly left they would have come threw our bay windo and hit mom and i. a few days latter after all the stuff is removed. i found a lightbulb. the one that would have been the overhead light inside the car.its wasn't even scratched. i kept that lightbuble. its been over ten years.im drunk as hell and i wish i could explain what that did to my brain. bit see that girls leg. see her last movments. its rough.i was just 13
Volatilize: I know how you feel. Some stuff sticks with you forever.
cassity282: it does. realy. i knew her to. or en0ough as in "my big brothers friend". girl was real pretty. skinny strawberry blond.sweet as can be. no the type my brother usely was around. he tend to hang with drunks and bimbos. but he was friends with Eric. and Jenny went where her brother went. she used to wair these pastel flowery short skirts. i thought she was the sweetest thing. she was a good girl. and i was in special ed classes and a lot of the girls my brother had over laughed at"retard sister". not jenny. i didn't know her that well. but i knew she was pretty. and i knew she never laughed. and i saw her leg twitch.
Volatilize: Imma be real honest right now. You're never going to forget what you saw. It'll haunt your dreams till you die. If I were you I'd go watch funny, stupid movies till I sobered up enough to think about other stuff. For your own good.
cassity282: that is just what i started doing after i typed that up! i got it coverd . thanks for looking out for me though :)
| 12 | 65.833333 | |
1409442332 | 1409444273 | t3_2f1liz | t5_2to41 | 12 | helloivecoveredwars1: TIFU by lying to a girl over something ridiculous
To be fair, this actually wasn't today but more like half a year ago. Oh well.
This past school year I met a girl on the first day, I won't say her real name so let's just call her Brittany. Now Brittany and I hit it off pretty quickly, and became really good friends. Keep in mind that I wasn't interested in her romantically, she was just a great friend to have around and it was nice talking to her naturally unlike some other girls who I had to talk to like I had a stick up my ass. Anyway, that year I had a crush on this really pretty girl in my science class. She was quiet and really hard to get into a conversation with, but Brittany and her friend helped me out a lot. After a couple months though it wasn't going anywhere and I was loosing hope.
I told my brother about my predicament and he seemed to think that I was going after the wrong girl. He encouraged me to pursue Brittany, to which I very quickly declined. 'I only see her as I friend,' I said. One night he was with me and we noticed she was on facebook. I finally gave in and let him walk me through a conversation with her, and it ended really nicely. It made me question if Brittany actually had feelings for me. With this in mind, it started getting akward around her. I was getting mixed vibes and it was really screwing me up. I finally said to myself 'You know what? Fuck it, I'll try advancing and see where it goes.' So I started flirting a little bit. Her reaction wasn't bad at all, in fact people were approaching me telling me that they thought Brittany liked me judging by the way we were talking.
As interesting as my investigation was getting, I still had no idea what to do. I wanted Brittany to remain being that female friend that I could treat like anyone of my guy friends, but this romantic thing was starting to get the better of me. One day, her close friend asked me if I still liked that other girl, and I said no. Then she asked me who I liked now. This is where my tremendous fuck up begins. I figured that I'd tell her I like Brittany and have liked her for a while, hoping that she would go back and ask her if she liked me, and this mystery could finally be put to rest. Well, to my suprise, Brittany actually didn't like me. And on top of that, she thought that I had been acting really wierd lately and it was causing her to avoid me a little bit. In one way I was relieved; she didn't like me and things could return to normal. But my ego was not appeased. I couldn't just let it go with her thinking that I made a ton of wierd advancements solely because I liked her. After all, I was only acting like that because I thought she liked me, right? I would later realize that I did start to have some feelings for her once it was in my head, but at the time I wasn't accepting it.
I texted her telling her that her friend told me that she thought I liked her, and that it was false. When she didn't believe it, I said I never liked her, and I only told her friend that I did because I was covering up telling her who I actually like. It's a shitty thing to say, I know, but my mind was racing so fast I didn't know what to say before it was too late. Of course, she got defensive and upset. She also said my story was bull, so after trying to convince her it was true for a couple minutes I finally just gave in and explained the whole story to her. She reacted by calling me a fuckface and a liar and proceeded to not talk to me again for months. Although we did occasionally share a word a couple months after it happened, our friendship never healed. Her friend would still talk to me, and would even say that she was over reacting, but I felt like such an asshole it didn't really help. I suppose I'm not the best with women. I lost a friend because of the possibility that she could be more than a friend.
TL;DR: I thought my friend might like me, I investigated to see if she did, In the process I ended up liking her a little bit, When I found out she thought I liked her I desperately tried to cover it all up to save our friendship, She took the fact that I tried to cover it up as a horrible insult and severed our friendship completely.
Atleast I have you, Reddit. ...Right?
plagueofunicorns: Words of advice: If she doesn't seem interested, she's not interested. If she *does* seem interested, she's also not interested.
flywheel1983: your advice is.... Russian Confusing.
| 3 | 4 | |
1409442092 | 1409495855 | t3_2f1l7t | t5_2to41 | 4 | AcceleratorMan: TIFU by accelerating instead of stopping the car
Today my dad and I went grocery shopping and after
we placed the groceries in the car my dad told me I should drive the car to the house (apartment complex). I still have my driver permit but driving in traffic was not the problem. I reach the apartment and to enter thru the front gates we have to call to my dad's cellphone because his beeper (or that's what we call it here) was broken. When I went to stop infront of the machine I accidently accelerated the car instead of stopping and rammed thru the gate. Fortunately only I few screws where broken and it was able to get it fixed.
secret__tunnel: Dude, I mean are you okay? A FEW SCREWS?
lord_sherlock_holmes: im gonna guess the screws were for the gate...also, i'm pretty sure OP is fine if he is posting on reddit.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409445715 | 1409446965 | t3_2f1q3c | t5_2to41 | 16 | not_lewis: TIFU: driving for the first time
So two days ago I spent 4 hours at the D.M.V. getting my permit. My mom said I could go driving Saturday, the first day of labor day weekend. Its Saturday, and I ask to go driving. We go, my Mom goes over all the parts of the car and how to use them, and we drive around awhile in a parking lot. We do some three point turns, and work on parking, and we start to get bored. (at this point it's dark outside.) I say,"Okay, i'll park and then you can drive home. So I pull into a parking spot and put my foot on the brake. (or so I thought) Vroom! I push the gas, go over the island, and pull into traffic. FUCK! FUCKITTY MASTER FUCK!! Now I immediately turn onto a side road and park. I turn around and part of the car was laying on the ground. My mom and I switch seats quickly, and here comes a cop. FUCK!!!! He asked if we were okay, we explained what happened and he left. I go pick up the bumper. Thank god my mom is cool and didnt get pissed off about this.
limsyoker: Well if there's one person who'd understand the situation, it's your mum. Be glad your safe, oh and next time, try not to get pressured. Even if you know by heart where the location of the break pedal is, it's worth looking under just to check and make sure.
not_lewis: what do you mean " dont get pressured"
limsyoker: Simply being agitated/nervous due to the fact that you're relatively new to driving. Beginners get that a lot and mess up on simple stuff. I'm not saying this is your case, but trust me, it would happen one time or another.
not_lewis: Yeah that's what happened
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1409446242 | 1409487363 | t3_2f1qsc | t5_2to41 | 949 | daedriKARMAr: TIFU by letting a dog lick my period blood.
Just got out of the shower to wash the blood and shame off of me and decided to post this.
I have been running errands all day and taking care of a relative, so my mind has been a bit preoccupied. And, you guessed it, I am on my period. So right before I take my afternoon jog, I use the bathroom and somehow forgot to put a tampon in after taking the old one out. I know, I know, "how could you forget?" you ask. But it happened.
So I am happily jogging away, headphones blasting, when a couple are coming toward me with four large fuzzy dogs. I, being a girl who loves fuzzy dogs, stopped to pet them. As I am distracted rubbing the ears of two of the dogs, one of them manages to wedge through and furiously lap at my inner thigh. I think nothing of it, but the man starts trying to yank the dog away and mutters something while pointing at my leg. I look down and to my horror I see smeared blood from my crotch to halfway down my inner thigh. All I can say is "oh god" as I push the other dogs out of the way. I quickly pivot and sprint toward home, feeling the man and woman staring at me until I am out of sight.
TL;DR Accidentally gave a dog his red wings.
starstarstar42: [MFW](http://i.imgur.com/M21sBiG.gif)
daedriKARMAr: You're welcome?
Edit: have been drinking. Your/you're.
DracoRiff: My welcome what?
daedriKARMAr: Just didn't know how to respond to that beautiful gif.
Shitty_Human_Being: You are != Your
PerturbedPelican: String Your = "You are";
if(Your.equals("You are")) {
System.out.println("Ha");
}
| 7 | 135.571429 | |
1409447713 | 1409510004 | t3_2f1soq | t5_2to41 | 3,258 | jsefff: TIFU by making the right choice
A couple nights ago I went to a party, and since I don't have my driver's license yet, my mom had to drive me there. The whole car ride to my friend's house she lectured me about not drinking and not doing drugs and whatnot. I patiently waited silently through the whole speech, and as soon as we pulled up, I leaped out of the car and ran inside.
Fast forward several hours later.
The party is ending. I have not followed my mom's instructions like a good little boy, and I am really, really drunk. I'm leaving and walking down the driveway, about to call my mom to pick me up, when one of my friends calls out my name. He's unlocking his car and several others are piling into the rear seats. All of them are drunk as balls, and even though my cognitive abilities are not at full strength, I have the brains to decline and continue walking.
I'm walking down the sidewalk, waiting for my mom to pick up her phone, I hear the start of an engine behind me. I ignore it, and keep walking. Several seconds later, I hear tires screech and think, "Gee, I hope they don't die on the way home." A second after that, the car hits me.
I wake up later in a hospital room, and according to the doctor, I've broken my wrist, hip, both legs, and a couple ribs.
**TL;DR** I choose not to get into a car driven by an intoxicated friend, get run over by the same car moments later.
**Edit:** To answer some of the questions people have, uh, here I go.
My friend who was in that car did not crash. FML. He did get a DUI though. Apparently the cops pulled him over later. Not sure about felony DUI or whatever.
I can type with one hand.
My parents weren't too pissed, they were just sort of disappointed but mostly glad I'm okay.
I'm a forgiving type of guy, but damn. I probably won't be seeing my, uh, friend for a while so I dunno whats going to happen with him.
Also, I have no idea why I don't have head injuries or spinal cord injuries. I got lucky, I guess? Or not lucky, but luckier than really not lucky.
**Edit 2:**
Formatting
Maybe I should have made the title TIFU by making the *questionably* right choice.
Ijjmatic: ITT: people blaming OP for being run over by drunk drivers
footballfutbolsoccer: Seriously, I want to see all these god damn neckbeards go to a party and trying to stop people from driving. I doubt it'd end well for them...
Jasonresno: I've stopped my buddies from driving drunk before. In my experience my friends aren't consciously thinking, 'Hey let's make a bad decision' instead they just aren't thinking at all. When I told my friend how blitzed he really was it made him stop and think and that was enough to stop him.
AragornsMassiveCock: Rarely is it that easy though.
Jasonresno: If we are all being anecdotal here then yeah, it is.
AragornsMassiveCock: If we're all being realistic here then no, it's not. I've stopped plenty of people from drinking and driving, and exactly zero of them have snapped to their senses when told they're not fit to drive. Usually it's a shout match for 45 minutes before they either start walking (which I try and stop them from doing as well, as it's not smart to be stumbling drunkenly down roads) or they give up and go to bed.
In the morning, it's different - they're usually grateful. Getting them to stay, however is no easy task.
Jasonresno: Realistically, I think this is a reflection of who you drink with more than anything. In my own experiences I 100% disagree with you.
AragornsMassiveCock: I was a young dumb kid drinking with young dumb kids. People can become irrational when drinking, that's pretty well known - you don't need experience to know that. That's just what alcohol does.
Not to mention, "this is a reflection of who you drink with more than anything," literally has no place in the conversation. You insinuated that it's easy to stop someone who's been drinking from driving - I was just letting you know that this is most certainly not always the case.
Jasonresno: The people I've drank with, at their worst, were still amenable to reason. Youre using your personal experiences to make a generalized statement. I'm doing the same thing which just proves that there is no general hard and fast rule for this situation.
edit: Using words like 'Realistically' (which I only used to match your snark) has no place in the discussion because it implies that there is, really, only one truth to the situation. Which we've both, through our own experiences, debunked.
AragornsMassiveCock: "I'm doing the same thing which just proves that there is no general hard and fast rule for this situation."
*That was exactly my point.* My, "generalized," statement is that it's not always easy to stop people from drinking and driving. Do you disagree with that?
Jasonresno: No, you are saying with absolute certainty: ("If we're all being realistic here then no, it's not,") that it's not easy to stop someone from drinking and driving. My response is that: Yes, it is easy so long as you aren't drinking with assholes.
You said that you had to have 45 min shouting matches with drunk friends to get them to stop. In my personal experience I've only had to make a comment and ask for their keys. Situation resolved.
Do I think one situation is more prevalent than the other? Nope, I don't. I think you are speaking from a limited viewpoint, just like I am, but you are trying to pass it off as absolute certainty whereas I'm open to the fact that it isn't a black/white situation.
AragornsMassiveCock: My absolute certainty is that it's not always easy to stop people from drinking and driving - sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. You can't just not count the assholes because they're assholes - they're people as well.
I mean, I don't even see how you can argue unless you *actually* think it's easy to stop every single person, every single time, from drinking and driving. You're just not being realistic.
Jasonresno: >My absolute certainty is that it's not always easy to stop people from drinking and driving - sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.
I don't think you understand what the words 'absolute certainty' mean. How can you be absolutely certain about something but then immediately backtrack on the statement with a 'sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.'
Nothing I wrote in this entire thread had anything to do with the world at large. Only my own personal experiences. My own personal experiences contradict, 100%, your blanket statement: "Rarely is it that easy."
Nothing else in the discussion matters. It all just comes down to those two statements. I haven't drank with assholes and I've been able to talk them out of driving. You apparently have, and have had a harder time. The point of this discussion was to prove that there is no rule to the situation. People aren't 100% difficult to stop driving once they drink.
edit: for what it's worth this is the silliest discussion I think I have ever had on here.
AragornsMassiveCock: "Nothing I wrote in this entire thread had anything to do with the world at large."
Well, I guess we're done here then. Personal experience is important, but it's not the end-all-be-all. Sometimes, it just won't be as easy as telling someone their drunk and they can't drive and they're okay with that. You haven't experience anyone put up a fight, and that's okay, but it just isn't like that for everyone - that *is* a fact.
Jasonresno: Exactly. It is 100% a fact that people aren't always assholes when they are drunk. It is 100% true that some of them, a lot of them possibly, will listen to you if you try to stop them from driving drunk.
We are in complete agreement.
AragornsMassiveCock: Right. It is 100% fact that even nice people may not listen to you when you tell them they're too drunk to drive. It is 100% true that some of them, heck even a lot of them maybe, won't listen if you try and stop them from driving drunk.
Jasonresno: I would disagree that decent people would ignore you in that situation but I digress.
I can't say you've got it all down but you're coming along nicely :)
AragornsMassiveCock: I can say the same for you! You'll get there though. The world will teach ya good.
Even decent people can do stupid stuff when they're drunk. I will admit that not all the people I've stopped have been friends, some I've truly detested, but I'll try and stop them just the same.
| 19 | 171.473684 | |
1409447713 | 1409502289 | t3_2f1sor | t5_2to41 | 22 | Iamfuckinstupid: Tifu by accidentally slicing my cousin
So today I really fucked up. I fucked up so bad that I made this account just to tell this crazy shit. God I don't know what I was thinking. So I was cooking some steak in the kitchen. By cooking I mean I microwaved leftovers. Anyway with steak obviously you have to have a steak knife. So anyway my cousin and I are pulling an all nighter or was. And all today he has been jumping out of nowhere and trying to scare me. Now I know you think you know what is going to happen. Your thinking I didn't see him, but I did. I heard his heavy ass breathing like a damn vacumm and I looked in the reflection of the knife and see his ass stalking me like a pedofile at a playground. I was getting tired of this chidish shit so I thought "hey I'm going to scare the shit outta him by swinging the knife". He is going to shit his pant I thought. So I turn around and swing like a damn ninja. At the same time this motherfucker jumps at me. The knife connects with his chest making a fucked up version of an anime sword fight death. He falls back...but gets back up and says "ow"in a very anticlimatic ending but the beginning of my horror. I rush towards him and call 911. He is sitting there laughing his ass off as I'm in fucking shock. The paramedics come and I explain the story he starts laughing ( sadistic fuck) and tells me to calm down. I honestly thought I was going to get arrested. I called my mom and his mom and...yea I am dead (Black and Asian mom and aunt.)
TLDR; Cousin tried to scare. Caught him in the act and tried to reverse the scare onto him by lunging at him with a knife and missing. Hit him know he is in the hospital with minor injuries.
Eela11: I have to know what happens next. **Have to!**
Iamfuckinstupid: Well... I just returned from the hospital. My cuz has these huge cuts on his chest, actually if he wasn't so damn skinny it would actually look cool. At the hospital, my aunt smacked the shit out of the back of my head and yelled at me in filipino (like I understand that shit). My mom joined in on the "fun". Everyone in the waiting room was laughing there ass off. I'm all embarrased and shit. The doctor, milf by the way , laughed her ass off at the story (Seriously, what the fuck is up with these people laughing at something that could have went really bad.) Now, we are back at home and I am packing his shit. He is getting the hell out of here. He keeps.begging to stay I am like fuck that. Everytime I look at him, I get a mini heart attack just thinking about how I almost killed my cousin.
BigBearBrendo: Dude, go smoke some bud, have a fap and calm down.
Don't stress, everyone knows it was an accident, and to be quite honest them laughing about it is good, it's good stress and tension relief. That's what you need to do, find the funny in this situation.
And you shouldn't blame him or yourself and you shouldn't take it out on the kid by kicking him out because you're freaked out. If you can't settle in a few days, maybe you should speak to a shrink they'll help you deal.
Iamfuckinstupid: Well, his aunt is taking him home anyway because we both start school tommorow. The only reason he was begging was because we go to the same school. If I let him stay his childish antics will keep me up ( i need sleep) and that little accident from earlier will happen again except....for real (jk). And on a side note...go find your cousin...cut him from stomach to upper right shoulder in a diganonal pattern....go to the hospital all night being ridiculed and embarrased in front of people all night....yelled at by your family....and then try fapping. Really hard to fap with a mental image of your aunt mom and cousin in your head. Unless....your into that shit.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1409449785 | 1409467687 | t3_2f1vc4 | t5_2to41 | 22 | Sasslefrassy: TIFU by letting my mother look at the stuff on my shelf....NSFW
So, I was getting ready for going out to dinner with my boyfriend and his family, and my mother barged into my room to look at my outfit and look at the various objects on my shelf... earlier in the day I had left my glass buttplug out after washing it (totally forgot to put it away in my secrect box)...anyways, as I am digging through my clothes to find tights... she asks "What is this cool thingy majig?" . I IMMEDIATELY look back to see my mother holding my buttplug... with a curious look on her face. My mother.... holding.... my buttplug... I don't think you could imagine the disgusted look on my face.
I couldn't just grab it and act suspicious.... my poor mother... and I DEFINITELY couldn't tell her it's a sex toy I shove up my ass for fun.
So I tell her, "Oh! It's a jewlery holder (my boyfriend) got me!"
I don't know if she believes me or not.... but if she knows what it is... FML.
_College_Student: I would wash it again after you come back from your dinner.
Sasslefrassy: I don't think I can happily wear it ever again.... too many bad vibes now... o_o
Kazinsal: Heh.
Bad vibes.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1409449323 | 1409503937 | t3_2f1uqh | t5_2to41 | 1,944 | TheRealDynamoScotch: TIFU By explaining how penises work to my date instead of picking up on her innuendo. (NSFW)
Flash-back seven years ago to when I was but a sophomore in college, a sexually-uninitiated virgin who had kissed only three other girls, each time being confused as to what to do with my hands during make-out sessions.
I was crushing on a girl who lived in my dorm complex and we had decided to meet up after a football game (I was in the band and she was coming to watch me perform). After walking back to my place, she asked to come inside and watch a movie or something, clearly being non-specific as to what we would watch. When we got up to the dorm room (I lived alone because I was a resident assistant/RA at the time, one of the few perks to an otherwise soul-suckingly shitty job) I popped in a copy of Flight of the Conchords, because to be honest, I need someone to share my sense of humor if a basic dating relationship is going to hold any water.
So after an episode, we were both sitting on my futon, watching as the credits roledl. Out of nowhere, the girl (we'll call her Audrey) saic, "You know...it's hard being a girl. Sometimes, girls want to make the first move, but it's usually the guy's job. I just wish they would pick up on signals and kiss someone when they want to be kissed." I'm not a complete moron, and I can tell when an open invitation is smacking me in the face, so I leaned over and give her a kiss.
Within seconds this girl is shirtless and straddling me with her face smashed against mine. Between breathy kisses she managed to ask, "Do you have any condoms?" Unknown to her, I've got a drawer containing over 250 condoms for an upcoming sexual health program that our dorm is sponsoring, but I didn't want to lose my virginity on my dorm futon, still sweaty from marching band, with a girl I hardly knew, while Flight of the Conchords guitar riffs played in the background, and using condoms stolen from University health funds. I stammered out an awkward, "Ummm...no. Should I? Wait, do you? Oh. I'm a virgin."
The air in the room went flat. Over the course of the next few minutes, the girl embarrassingly explained how she thought I was looking for a one night stand and that she was looking for the same. Before she put her top back on, she looked at the clearly evident erection I was sporting in my lap-region, and here my internet friends is where the fuck-up occurred.
Audrey placed her hand on my thigh, near my then-virgin boner, looked me in the eye, still topless mind you, and said, "Do you need any help making that hard-on go away?" In my moment of pure fuckuppery, I replied by saying, "No, it's just full of blood. An erection is just a series of chambers, sort of like a sponge. After a while, it'll just go back down. That whole 'blue balls' idea is just a myth." I was taking a human sexuality class at the time and I figured I might as well explain some of the knowledge I'd learned in class. Needless to say, Audrey got sort of awkwarded-out by my unconscious blowoff of her offer of other sexual favors, so she got redressed and promptly fell asleep on my futon while I watched another episode of Flight of the Conchords.
The next day, while describing the encounter to my friend, I paused and realized that I had definitely missed out on the sex, and had probably missed out on a handjob or a blowjob because I chose to explain how penises work instead of playing along with her sexual flirting.
Go college!
*Edited for verb tenses, because present tense is for suckers*
west_ofnowhere: I will find you and I will smack you up side the head.
TheRealDynamoScotch: Oh believe me, when time travel is finally invented, I am going to go back to this moment, storm into the room, and punch myself square in the jaw.
hammersticks359: I feel like you'd just be cockblocking yourself that way too
NotYourLocalCop: Thats when you start fucking the young girl and look your bloodied young self in the eyes and proclaim, "ONE DAY YOU TOO WILL BE THIS ALPHA, BETA ME."
273748490102838374: Dude those terms are so fuckin like...bad. "Betas?Alphas?" Whaaaaat
NotYourLocalCop: Yeah usually anyone who uses them seriously is either a blind loser or an ego maniac. I use them sarcastically.
[deleted]: Why can't you apply alpha to humans like you can the rest of animals?
VexingRaven: Well for starters, in animals an alpha is somebody who dominates the rest of the pack. Do you want to be dominated by the strongest person in your group of friends?
[deleted]: Yea I wouldn't allow someone to dominate me. But I don't think strength has anything to do with it.
And it seems like a lot of groups of humans have someone they look to as a leader.
VexingRaven: Which is why you don't apply that to humans. We call forcible domination assault.
[deleted]: Why does it have to be with force?
VexingRaven: Because you wouldn't let yourself be dominated.
[deleted]: There's conversation domination, intellectual domination, many other ways than just physical. Which, in my opinion makes a human alpha male a more desirable trait.
VexingRaven: Really? Because I'd usually call it being a dick. We all hate that guy that just has to be right all the time, or who always controls the conversation and doesn't let you get a word in.
| 15 | 129.6 | |
1409443434 | 1409501751 | t3_2f1n20 | t5_2to41 | 17 | Roman_Statuesque: TIFU playing airsoft in the woods.
So a bit over a year ago in May of 2013 I was invited by one of my friends to go play airsoft. Another friend and I had shot at each other before but this was my first time going to a more serious event. After we got there we joined the several dozen other people at the event and headed down into the woods. The first few games went pretty well and we headed deeper into the woods for capture the flag. This is where the first of my trifecta of fuck ups occurred. For most of the event I had been using my friend's older M4 style rifle (my friend was off being all tacticool with his ghillie suit and sniper). So by this point I want to change things up a bit. I find a girl at the event who was willing to trade me her L96 style sniper for the next couple of rounds. So I go and find a good perch and take a few shots. When I try to close the bolt after one shot it refuses to shut. Not matter what I do it just refuses to close. So I run up to where the flag is and give her back the L96 (I did tell her something was wrong with it).
I find a spot of cover and aim down the hill from the flag. At the base I can clearly see at least two people on the enemy team running around, but they quickly disappeared. A few minutes later I see someone behind a tree about fifty feet down from me. Not seeing our team's handkerchief on him, I fire a couple bursts and hit him. He then stands up and reveals himself to be on *my team*. Fuck. I tell him I'm sorry as he walks to respawn. Ten to fifteen minutes after that I see another guy taking cover a bit more off to the side. Same situation, I shoot him, he stands up. You can guess what happened.
I wanted to just melt through the ground after that I was so embarrassed. Not just because I shot my teammates, but because I probably shot them in the back of the head and shoulders. These aren't your little brother's airsoft guns. These are full metal competition grade rifles. When they hit you, it *hurts*.
After the game finished we all gathered at the base of the hill and were talking. I heard the girl with L96 asking one the event organizers to take a look at it. He said that he thought it was something called a slam fire was what was wrong with it (I don't know precisely what that means, but I have a good idea). She then mentioned that she had borrowed it from a friend for this event. I couldn't even look in their direction after that. I didn't say a word to my friend and his dad on the way home. I haven't picked up an airsoft gun since.
I guess I should specify that this was not an official airsoft arena type thing (if that wasn't already obvious). This was between twenty and thirty people running around the woods in camo. In fact, this wasn't even property owned by the organizers of the event. A few months after this happened the group was actually confronted by the landowner and at least one police officer and were ordered to not come back. Since then they have found a new location where they have full permission to play.
TL;DR-Go to airsoft game. Shoot two teammates in the back of the head and break some girl's borrowed sniper. Bright side? Avoid getting charged with trespassing.
Obligatory pictures:
L96: https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSVDJJqIZ4ZAVhZlVArZglwyM_ukzF2cTjxUxSZ9_IkgT5NEomQ
M4: https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTyxWTyqF3oKSxjVOELZyvsHFvIdg0-SlLq2RC2Aa5iTMsMf_pb
trousershorts: I've been pretty serious into airsoft for a few years... friendly fire isn't exactly uncommon! As for the l96- it probably would've happened to the owner anyway and could be as simple as missing a tiny screw. Still though that's why I'm very apprehensive about loaning out my guns. Don't let this be the end man, it's hella fun!
Roman_Statuesque: I'd like to get serious into it but...
I don't have cash.
I don't have a place to play.
I don't know anyone in my area who does.
nhebert1987: Thats airsoft for you. Expensive when you really want to get into it, and hard to find people to play with (unless you go to those organized events with 100+ people, but those are a different beast and most times not as fun as playing with a small group of 10-30 people that know each other). I used to play with a group in high school years ago, but we couldnt use one of the teammates land anymore and we basically gave up on it from lack of fields. I found my old team on http://arniesairsoft.co.uk/news2/ (uk based site but pretty popular worldwide)
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1409452676 | 1409484105 | t3_2f1yzv | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: Tifu by shitting my pants
So I work at a golf course, on the weekends we have a grill on the 9th tee. And the nearest bathrooms are the Club house's bathroom which is around 150 yards away. The only possible way to get there is if you call someone on the walkie talkie, and ask them to come for you. But this time. They took around 10 mins to answer. I got on the car and it was the longest 150 yards every little bump I felt the tip coming coming out and I finally got to the club house. I couldn't get off I was way to scared I would shit myself if I moved. It took me a little bit to get the nerves to get up. Right as I got up I shit my pants, I ran to the bathroom and I was in there for about 20 minutes trying to clean up.
lesoraku: I am sorry, that was a shitty thing to have happen to you.
Nano2213: It looked like peanut butter... Did not taste like peanut butter
[deleted]: Why would you taste it???? O.o
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1409450683 | 1409498325 | t3_2f1wfc | t5_2to41 | 136 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to a pool party and blowing my cover
Like many TIFU posts, this happened a while ago, during my first year of college. A few weeks into the semester, I met a cute guy who mentioned he was minoring in Russian, my first language. I offered to tutor him and gave him my number. A few days later, he texted asking for some help preparing for an exam. I came over to his dorm room and we were studying for a little bit when he mentioned that his roommate would be at work for the next few hours. His roommate was one of the campus tour guides that walked around in an obnoxious neon polo in our school colors directing lost freshman and their parents. Of course, this was my cue to pull him into a kiss.
After we started making out, I noticed that he was more rough than most guys are right off the bat. [Awesome](http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/478/604/0b7.gif). I pulled a roll of duct tape off his desk and told him to tie me up and spank me or I'd leave. I stripped naked and he quickly bound my wrists and ankles and slapped a strip of tape across my mouth. After 15 minutes of choking, biting, and spanking me, he suddenly stopped mid thrust. We looked over at the door that was slowly opening. I remember feeling like time slowed down as he grabbed my by my wrists and ankles and swung me into an open closet, shutting the door behind him.
"Hey man, though you were going to be at work for a while."
I sat quietly waiting for him to think of some way to buy me a few minutes to come out and get dressed. I relaxed a little until I looked up and saw a neat row of neon green and yellow polo shirts. FUCK.
"Yeah, I just have a ten minute break and wanted to change my shirt real quick."
The closet door swung open and his roommate locked eyes with me, sizing up the duct tape and fresh red marks all over the back side my body.
"What the FUCK?"
Roommate grabbed my bare naked ass, ripped the tape off my mouth, and started yelling for Christian Grey to get the fuck out. "ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU HURT? WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU??"
"I'm into this shit! I'm into some freaky shit!" I start yelling back as he tries to get the tape off of my wrists.
Roommate's face fell into a scowl and he dropped me onto the beanbag chair, still bound. He grabs a fresh shirt and a sock (for the doorknob) and slams the door behind him. I wait for the first guy to come back to untie me and find my clothes. I went back to my room, put on a big t shirt, covered the bruises on my neck and chest with makeup, and continued on with my day.
Later that same evening, I got high with my roommate and she asked me if I wanted to come to one of the black frat's pool party. I pull on a skimpy yellow bikini, throw a dress on top and smoke some more on the walk over with her. As soon as we get there, I jump into the hot tub. I'm having a great time; I'm high and getting a very unusual amount of attention. My roommate assures me that it is because i'm only white girl there, therefore the only girl willing to swim or sit in the steamy hot tub and risk fucking up her hair. Guys are flocking to me, girls are staring at me with worried and disgusted expressions. I figure that my makeup and hair has suffered after a few hours of being in the water, but fuck it, I'm having fun playing water basketball with the basketball team. When I finally go to the bathroom to fix myself up. I looked in the mirror and my jaw dropped. My neck and chest were covered in bruises, all the concealer had washed off in the pool. I turn around and along with some nice purple bruises I have the crystal clear imprint of a set of teeth on my ass cheek.
MentaLMayhem: That escalated QUICKLY
VexingRaven: If you know what I mean!
| 3 | 45.333333 | |
1409440299 | 1409465137 | t3_2f1is7 | t5_2to41 | 70 | Dfenct: TIFU by Not Properly Saying Hello to My Grandpa
Alright, so I wanna start this whole thing off by saying that this isn't the average sex-filled FU or anything sex-related in the first place, but an emotional trip I've been taking for a few years and have only told two people about before posting this. So let's get on with the story.
As posted above, this took place years ago, as in I'm a senior in highschool starting Sept. 3rd and this originally happened when I was making the transition from 3rd grade to 4th grade. My grandpa got leukemia and our local hospitals ran out of options after months of treatment. We were told that the best place to help him out would be Seattle, as they have the best treatments available for him. So a few family members fly out at first with him, and all seems to be well. We realized after a bit of time though that he wanted me to be near him (I was grandpa's boy for sure, stuck with him every day I could since he was a logger who was gone constantly) so bad that he would ask where I was, when I was coming, even break out into fits at night because he hated being without me, and being hooked to the machines never went well with him in the first place.
So our family gets me ready to fly to Seattle, my uncle even being nice enough to spare me his ticket just so I could even see my grandpa again. Well after all the flying is taken care of we finally get to Seattle, and I was somewhat excited to see new things and get to see my Grandpa after not seeing him for so long. We get to the hospital and his room and I'm practically bouncing because of how excited I was. I basically barged into my mental hell though, because I saw him wired up, saw him actually hurt. I was shattered by this image alone, because he was my hero in live, and obviously no one wants their hero to be seen in such a dehumanizing way. I walked over to the bedside with the nurse, and everyone else kinda piled in too. I was dead silent the moment I walked into the room, and so someone said that I should say "hello" because he could still hear me. The only thing I did was turn away from him and barely even muster a "hi".
After spending a few days at the hospital, my aunt and I were finally pulled aside by the doctor and told that my uncle wasn't going to come to the hospital, even though he was the only one who could "save" my grandpa. I took it in that this was basically the last day that I would ever see him again. Once we were all gathered in the room for the final minutes, the nurse asked us when to pull the plug. Everyone got something out except for me, who couldn't look at him anymore. By the time the nurse pulled the plug I fucking bolted out of that room, because this was the one nightmare I wanted to make sure never happened. I ran for a few minutes before I was found by my aunt, and we walked back to the room. I saw tears from my mom and dad, two people I never witnessed this from before, and I basically sat hollow as could be.
From then on, I really fucking hated everything, and shut myself in (if you're a fan of Pink Floyd, think of an express lane of what happens to Roger Waters in "The Wall" movie) up until last school year. I would rarely talk to anyone, had constant nightmares of the single time I couldn't talk to the guy I told everything to, just secluded myself because I couldn't handle what I did.
I'm alright now, and sorry to the mods if this isn't good TIFU material for any reasons, but this is something I have had on my back for years now and finally found the right time and place to reveal what has been inside of me for so long.
TL;DR - Grandpa got cancer and I couldn't even stand to see him when he wanted to see me for so long. I hated myself for not saying what I wanted to to him and hated his brother for making him suffer no more. I feel shitty about it anytime I try to talk about it to others, and what I felt are feelings I want no one else to ever dare to even dream about feeling now.
BelovedofRaistlin: You were so so young and not prepared for what you were going to see. You needed guidance from the adults around you and you didn't receive that, because they were all too bereft themselves.
Please know that your Grandpa absolutely knew how much you loved him while he was alive and knows even more now. You had a special bond and that doesn't just get forgotten. Maybe you could write him a letter and burn it, some people believe the smoke will reach those who have passed. Or bury it, and let the earth transform the sorrow and regret into remembrance and healing. Can you visit his grave and talk to him?
I'm so sorry for your loss and the trauma it caused you. I hope you will find some peace as time goes by, and some forgiveness for the little boy who was overcome.
Dfenct: Peace has come through listening to music, especially stuff from Avenged Sevenfold. Three songs from the Nightmare album, "So Far Away", "Victim", and "Fiction" all remind me of him, and that album's title reminds me of the horror all the same. "So Far Away" has the line "I have so much to say but you are so far away" that brings me into tears of pain. "Victim" is the same because of the line "Nothing is harder to wake up all alone. Realize it's not okay, it's the end of all you've known" and it reminds me of the day it all finally happened. Then "Fiction" comes around and makes me happy to know that even though I miss that man more than the world and back and maybe even then some after that, he isn't hurt anymore, and that he won't be ever again.
Thanks for your kind words as well, hope you have a nice day.
BelovedofRaistlin: Ah, music is the best. Sarah Mclachlan may have saved my life - I understand :) All the best to you.
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1409452329 | 1409483066 | t3_2f1yk6 | t5_2to41 | 97 | Baggyballs: TIFU By ordering a textbook on Amazon (kinda NSFW)
Happened about 20 minutes ago...
So I need a textbook for an online college course, and the cheapest option I found was to rent it on my Kindle. My dad offers to pay for it, so I pull up Amazon and have him enter his credit card info on my laptop.
After ordering the book, it was taking a while to show up on my Kindle. Thinking something had gone wrong, I decided to pull up my order history, with my dear old conservative father watching. There, in all its pink, fleshy goodness, was the Sasha Grey pocket pussy I forgot I ordered a few months back. In my panicked clicking frenzy to get this faux fur burger off my screen, I accidentally expanded the picture. Yep, my dad and I got the full 17'' HD experience.
Turning the laptop away, I finally got the window closed. After an awkward second of silence, I finally suggest seeing if anything has popped up on my Kindle yet. He just sort of mutters "Let me know if everything works out..." and walks away. I am now in a state of cringe I have never felt before.
TL;DR: Dad sees the fake panty hamster I ordered. Fuck Amazon, Fuck Sasha Grey.
Teotwawki69: Bonus points for "panty hamster."
Although, in all likelihood, your dad's order of same is now on its way to his mailbox.
Baggyballs: Can't say it isn't a decent product for the price! I wouldn't blame him.
i_pk_pjers_i: It's good? You used it?
Baggyballs: Hell yeah! The back has a hole in it now, but that actually makes cleaning easier.
i_pk_pjers_i: Have you had the real thing? If so, on a scale of 1 being your hand and 10 being the real thing, what would you rate it?
Baggyballs: I have, I'd give it a 6 or 7. It helps to soak it in warm water to make it warmer internally, gives it a bit more realism. Either way, waaaay better than hand. Definitely recommend.
i_pk_pjers_i: Mind sharing the link to it on Amazon? I'm sure some people here are interested.
Baggyballs: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0044FQVDM/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
For anyone interested.
Oh, and NSFW link for anyone who couldn't guess.
rootup: Interesting. A lot less expensive than I had thought. Though, making a "fifi" is a LOT cheaper, and allows you to control tightness a lot better. Look it up, and try, guys.
| 10 | 9.7 | |
1409454545 | 1409460430 | t3_2f21hd | t5_2to41 | 4 | Maestrust: TIFU by signing into my brother's iPad
Back in March / April, my MacBook Pro was undergoing maintenance for the second time in two years, and I logged into my brother's iPad thinking it'd be a convenient way to not only check iMessage but also email and keep up with some online school work.
Some quick background:
I'm in my third year of community college (anybody who's been through it knows how good their academic advising is) and my brother and I had chosen to live at our mother's house until he got an apartment and until I moved on to a 4-year institution. This was perfectly fine with everybody involved, she only asked that we be quiet coming indoors late so we don't wake her up and she said if either of us decided school was not for us, we should get better jobs and pay rent or save up to move out. My brother moved out recently, to an apartment with some roommates, and she's been relatively ok since, but every once in awhile she pokes and prods more than I think she should --- maybe she misses him more than she lets on. Enough background.
Today she starts getting on my case about things she couldn't possibly know (work friends wanting to go out, staying up later than she'd prefer, etc.) and after a while she finally tells me:
"You know, I'll tell you how I know: I've been logging into the iPad and checking your iMessages through it since whenever you logged in. It was funny at first, knowing everything you were doing, but now I'm just annoyed and I'll be pissed if you ever lie to me about something and I know."
**tl;dr** Today I was told I forgot to sign out of iMessage on a shared iPad, and that all summer my mother has been able to see every iPhone-to-iPhone text message I've sent from my iPhone since March / April.
barryk013: Um I think your post is missing something.. Unless your background was the TIFU?
Maestrust: Huh?
barryk013: Your post had your quick background then the tldr lol then no story
Maestrust: Yup, fixed it. My b.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1409453182 | 1409528138 | t3_2f1zod | t5_2to41 | 44 | OStateDeadHead: TIFU by not looking where I was going while riding my bike.
Today I Fucked Up
So my university has a really big college football program. Today being gameday, there were thousands of people in and around campus. All of friends were out of town so I decided to skip the game and go to the gym. I only live about a half mile off of campus so I just bike there to save gas and money. On my ride to the gym, there were people everywhere. I felt like a downhill skier trying to avoid all of them. As I was crossing the railroad tracks that go through campus, I looked up and made eye contact with a cute girl. Trying to seem like a nice guy, I smiled at her, not at all looking at where I was going. (Side note: It rained last night so the tracks were wet). I hit the tracks and my front wheel completely slid out and I went spread eagle on the pavement. I glanced around me and all of the people walking to the game (including smile girl) had completely stopped and were looking at me, a couple guys came to help me up but I was so embarrassed that I just got on my bike and rode away with the handlebars bent completely sideways.
tl;dr: Tried smiling at a girl while riding my bike and completely ate shit in front of hundreds of people.
Sleeplessin312: OSU?
OStateDeadHead: As in Oregon State, yes sir. I was headed to McAlexander because Dixon is closed. Went over the tracks kinda by the international building and the rest is history
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1409454427 | 1409559970 | t3_2f21bv | t5_2to41 | 7 | Mookieyomu: TIFU by being caught by mom when masturbing
First of all sorry for my bad English , I only learn it since June...
It happen like 4 months ago. I was In my parent's home for five days and I was lonely , my mom was at the swimming pool and my dad is a farmer so he work a lot.
Then , after playing some music , I decided to fap.
I turn on the computer , open the hidden Web navigation (don't want to let some porn sites on the computer...) so after some minutes of pleasure I jerk off.
I heard the gate door opened. So I understand my mom was going home. She goes to the kitchen to prepare the dinner and ask me some questions. The computer's room is on the same floor than the kitchen but at the extreme opposite of the kitchen so she yell across the house (so awkward). Basically she never exit the kitchen to tell something , she just ask me. But not today. And that precisely why I fucked up. I was on the room with my dick off my pants. And my mom enter without knocking. I was surprised but I turned my chair and put back my dick on my pants in two seconds. But my mom asked why did I act so strangely. I say it was alright. After that high stress situation , she exited the room. And at the dinner , she asked me in front of my dad "Sweetie can you stop doing weird things or do it in your room"
I was stoned. WTF did masturbing is weird ? Is natural. I reply nothing and ended the dinner in a horrible atmosphere cause nobody talk.
TL; DR My mom catch me masturbing and told me to stop it at dinner in front of dad.
273748490102838374: Is natural
Chukwuuzi: Is nice
Nas783: Great success!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1409443621 | 1409496586 | t3_2f1nb5 | t5_2to41 | 10 | wcrisler: TIFU by using an artificial gas mask...
This happened today...and it's Saturday, so yeah I guess this is legal as it involves poop, but not mine.
So it was 5:00 today and I wanted to go grab some dinner before the big game (Clemson Vs. UGA) started at 5:30, so I went and grabbed a meal from, let's call it Xazby's Chicken. I returned home just in time for the kickoff and ate dinner as Clemson took the opening drive for a touchdown. Then it happened.
I looked over at my dog, who had a bit of an interesting facial expression, but she seemed OK, or so I thought. A few seconds later, the heaving began, and the poor dog threw up a nice pile of barf that had the consistency of a sloppy joe, but more of a gray color. I didn't really see what caused her to regurgitate, but she does enjoy to see how a lot of things taste, so this isn't the most uncommon thing in the world for her; I guess something just didn't agree. So, while I attempted to clean the surprisingly juicy sloppy joe, the game continued. I forgot to hit the record button on the DVR, but it wasn't a huge deal...there's highlights and instant replay for a reason, right? Well, it wasn't quite over yet. While I was getting some more paper towels to finish the cleanup of sloppy joe dog barf, I failed to see my dog get a little anxious at the door. While I was busy finishing one cleanup job, my dog's bowels decided to get in on things. I guess my dog just can't stand how UGA can't spell the word "dog."
Pause. If you've never had the (dis)pleasure of smelling a dog's woo (watery poo, also known as diarrhea), you just won't understand what's happening next. There are no words to explain how absolutely fowl the smell is. I was a lifeguard before graduating from my alma mater (Clemson of course), and have cleaned a lot of pretty nasty things in my day. From mushy mixes of hairball, trash, leaves, etc. to trash cans with no lid mixed with rain, maggots, and fermenting in hot summer sun, I've dealt with a lot without much issue. These experiences didn't prepare me for anything like what was about to happen.
Anyway, here is about where my FU begins. As I finish the first clean-up job, I hear the sploosh of round 2. I look up to see a gelatinous mooshpile of dog poop. Shit...
Then it hit me. The smell that cannot be described in how absolutely, horribly vile it is. Apparently the only smell I really have trouble with is the smell of poop. It started with just some dry heaves, so I thought "I'll mask the smell with a towel around my head! Surely there won't be any problems here..." So I go and grab a small towel and wrap it around my head, making an artificial gas mask. It won't tie off, so I secure it with a ball cap. I decide the best strategy for cleanup will be to get paper towels and sorta sweep as much moosh into the dustpan of my broom. This plan works pretty well until I take the dustpan into the restroom. Between a small wiff of the woo and the sound of it slipping into the toilet, the dry heaves became wet heaves, but there was one problem. My towel mask became a barf mask. Luckily I had a "quick release" by removing my baseball hat. I couldn't care less at that point that my towel then fell into what was now a toilet bowl of barf and woo. I waited a bit to let what once was a tasty Big Xaz Snack Meal drip off of my face a bit before I went to get some more paper towels to wipe off my face and blow my barf-snot out of my nose.
Anyway, it's now the end of half-time and it's a tie game and everything seems to be cleaned up. I've sprayed some Fysol and Lebreeze to remove the remaining smell and all is well. Game on. Go Tigers!
TL;DR: Dog barfed, then had diarrhea in a span of about 2 minutes just after the CLEMvUGA game began. Made "gas mask" out of a towel to try and block the nauseous diarrhea fumes, didn't work, gas mask became barf mask. TIFU. *ptooey*
P.S. The dog seems to be OK now, but she's going to stay in her crate for a little while longer other than taking her outside to deal with any subsequent rounds that might come.
parker2020: Sorry about your dawg...
wcrisler: Lol. It was a good game. If Gurly stays healthy, UGA has a legit chance to go the distance.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409458028 | 1409502605 | t3_2f25qb | t5_2to41 | 281 | DreamTherapy: TIFU by walking in on my mom's naked friend
Bit of background, I have known this woman since I was a tot, and she has been my mom's friend since before that. This TIFU happened a few years ago at a Summer Resort me and my family go to every summer. This particular time, mom's friend (lets call her patty) is having a rough time at home so mom decides to let her come up for a night to hang out and unwind. Now, Patty would be considered a MILF, at least by my standards. She has luscious, wavy red hair, light skin, a decent body for a 40 something year old with perfectly round, only slightly sagging tits and an ass you could stare at for days. Fast forward to midnight and I am ready to go to bed. As I am about to hit the hay, I realize my iPhone charger is in with my stuff in the room Patty is sleeping in. I quietly open the door to a pitch black room (the hallway was dark as well so I couldn't really see in). I walk to the end of the room avoiding chairs, her purse, etc all the while listing to Patty snore like a fucking Sasquatch. I turn on, but quickly cover as much as possible, my iPhone flashlight as it lingers between 1-2% battery. As I fiddle around in my backpack I can hear Patty rustle in her sheets and glance over to discover a sight branded into my brain. She is sleeping butt naked, Ass facing the shitty little top bunk (she was in a bunk bed) with the blankets off. I was shocked to see this as we were in a small, apartment style suite with 6 of my family members, like WTF who does this. Now, I was a horny 16 year old kid, and like most horny 16 year old kids, I basked in this magnificent sight. I got as close as possible without actually touching her. This may sound creepy to some, but the the guys of reddit, if you knew what she looked like, I would personally judge you for not at least looking let alone examine this once in a life time moment, Oh, and it was for science *cough*. Seconds after this, even though I had my iPhone flashlight low, it must have affected her because she began rustling again. Now this scared the fuck out of me, and I darted as quickly and as quietly as I could towards the door. However, this is where I TIFU, I slammed my fucking foot into the foot of a chair close to the door. She immediately wakes up sits up and turns on the light catching me in my sleeping attire with a full on boner. She looks at me with eyes that are saying "what the fuck?" and Buddy up in my head decides to let me say "You're Naked...". You're Fucking Naked.. thats what I said. She looks at buddy downstairs, then back up at me and says "please leave". I did so with haste, and hit one off in the bathroom like a champ. The next morning I could barely get myself to emerge from my room out of sheer awkwardness. I was called out for breakfast and as I walked out Patty made eye contact with me. We all sat down and she said she had a dream that night that someone was watching her sleep. I nearly passed out. Thankfully, she never told mom, however whenever I see her, the tension is real. There was another incident with Patty a year or so later, but thats for another tale
TL;DR: Can't look Patty in the face anymore without feeling her judgement.
Edit: apologize for the lack of indentation/paragraph format, I will do that when I post part 2, which I will post soon enough
Edit 2: I have finally posted Part 2 here - http://redd.it/2fm1w7
Lavalamps13: I can't wait for part 2
chinar888: I thought this was part 2?
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2f2bvm/tifu_by_losing_my_virginity_with_my_mothers_best/
die5el23: He even says "ive known her since I was a tot"
| 4 | 70.25 | |
1409459062 | 1409501088 | t3_2f26ya | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not answering my phone.
I applied to a bunch of jobs today. And so at about 9:50, I get a call from a number I don't recognize. However, at the worst possible time, I don't hear it.
It was probably an employer. I didn't notice they called until about half an hour later. I call back an no one answers. I'm just sitting here going "fuck fuck fuck fuck I need to pay off some debts."
steezyvape: Call them back at an appropriate time. Just be like "Hi, I missed a call from this number?" If they are still looking for someone then they'll be happy to tell you about the opening.
I've been job hunting for a few months now and do this all the time when I miss a call.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Well, it could you're still job hunting after a few months is that you don't answer your phone. While you may call them back, it's really off-putting to employers looking to hire if you don't answer your phone.They might tell you about the opening, as you stated, but they prob have no intention of giving you an interview. The most appropriate time is right after they call. According to OPs post, he called at approx 10:20. No way HR or whoever called was no longer in the office.
steezyvape: Yeah, I don't miss every call. That would be stupid. About 60% I pick up when they call the first time, 30% I call back within an hour and the remaining 10% I call back later that day, within business hours.
OP definitely needs to check the time when he calls, which is why I stated to call at an appropriate time. HR departments are usually gone by 4/5pm.
| 4 | 1 | |
1409462880 | 1409467703 | t3_2f2b11 | t5_2to41 | 15 | McBritish: TIFU by yelling at a shopping cart (NSFW for language)
After a long day two friends and I were heading to WinCo (A local supermarket) as our final chore because we were beginning to eat healthier.
We had just pulled into the parking lot, and as 3 younger guys usually are, we were pretty loud and random yelling things. I was pulling into a parking spot and there was a shopping cart in the spot I had selected. I yelled "FUCKING BITCH" because the cart was there and that spot looked really inviting. We got out of the car and went into the store heading straight for the produce section.
After picking a few different fruits a lady approaches us and asks us if we yelled at a young girl calling her names. We had no idea what had gone on and would have never said that especially to a child. We said that we did not and she told us "You better hope you're not the only teenage boys here or you're going to be in serious trouble."
A little later while browsing their vast selection of oats she approaches us again, and tells us "Is that your Toyota 4runner? Because my husband is an FBI agent and I'm going to have your car flagged."
She proceeded to storm out of the store, not even willing to talk to us again.
Later on we figured out why she and her daughter may have been insulted by what we had said.
So today I fucked up by calling a shopping cart a fucking bitch.
TL;DR: I called a shopping cart a fucking bitch and now my car is "flagged by the FBI".
zidanee: I bet she uses that line everywhere "there better be 6 mcnuggets in this box or my FBI husband will flag your car"
ColeTheo: This coupon had better be valid or my husband will flag your car
McBritish: Both genius replies. I had a good laugh over these!
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1409463711 | 1409517549 | t3_2f2bvm | t5_2to41 | 490 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my virginity with my mother's best friend.
Now let me preface this by saying that I feel like shit because of this. I come from a VERY conservative family; we are expected to meet certain standards, all family members are extremely religious, no sex before marriage, etc. etc.
Oh, and I basically cried like a bitch non-stop afterwards. Seriously. I wanted to save my virginity shit for someones I loved and all that jazz.
My mother's best friend (lets call her Sarah) has been a long time friend to our whole family. She's watched me grow up and has a few kids of her own, one who is pretty close to my age although we never were really friends throughout high school. Shes gone to church with us and even cut my hair since I was a wee little tot. Sarah is a pretty attractive woman in her 40s or so and isn't exactly the classic fine ass "milf", but she has a rockin ass and is pretty cute in my opinion.
I have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and over the past year Sarah has been an AWESOME person to talk to about all of this because she too has been diagnosed with the same thing. As I went off to college she has always kept in touch and we would have phone conversations every now and then about the stresses of college and living on my own and all of that shit. (Mom was never weirded out about the extra attention she gave me since our relationship showed to really help with how I dealt with things.)
ANYWAYS. All of my family flies home in between semesters at college and all of us kids are together for the week. Mom decides to host a rather big party and invite tons of friends, co workers, and mostly fellow church members to come and catch up with all of us. and of course, Sarah was invited and since its been a while since we last talked, We end up having this super heart to heart conversation about everything that's been going on with the each of us and everything is super cool. The party continues and nothing really happens (beside some awkward ass conversations with old friends because im awkward as fuck. Social Anxiety is a bitch.) Near the end of the evening Sarah said how she wanted to talk more about everything and I of course said yes. This was nothing out of the ordinary. We planned to meet the following day at the park (because of the swings and shit. They are therapeutic as fuck.) We end up meeting and talking for a solid 2 hours about some really in depth stuff, in which I learned to awesome insight on how to deal with things. BUT, this is where things got twisted. Sarah started talking openly about her shitty marriage which something she never talked to me about openly. I of course say my condolences and try my best to play the supportive friend and everything. (My 18 year old self isn't very well with consoling people.) This is what the conversation kinda ends on and we are walking back to my car when she literally says something along the lines of "Hey um... You've grown up a lot over the years you know." (Hold on, I strongly feel she didn't invite me to the park to bang me. Although idk why this still happened) and I awkwardly laugh and everything and she starts putting herself closer to my body. Holy shit, what the literal FUCK is going on? is she drunk? Shes married for God's sakes and shes my mothers BEST friend with kids as old as me!
basically long story short, I couldn't help my horny 18 year old self and I banged her in the back seat of my car. (My car was parked behind some trees near the back of the park, completely out of the way) After the deed was done we said our goodbyes and that was that. (It was embarrassing as hell, I didn't know what I was doing.)
I cried the WHOLE way home and I've been crying ever since. I feel like a dirty little shit. The chances of my family finding out is pretty slim but still. Some guys will say "Hell yeah you fucked a milf!" But losing my V-card to a long time family friend is the worst fucking feeling I've ever felt.
Today, I REALLY fucked up.
EDIT: Alright. Thinking back on it, Pussy feels fucking great. Ass is awesome. I just have post-sex bitch syndrome.
[deleted]: cool shit like this is always wasted on the wrong people...
ComeOnGuyzz: I fucked my friends Aunt and loved every minute of it. No post-sex bitch syndrome here =D
IAmTheCockroach: Lies
inculcation: if he said uncle i would've believed it.
| 5 | 98 | |
1409463736 | 1409503513 | t3_2f2bwo | t5_2to41 | 13 | LakesideHerbology: TIFU by leaving my side door unlocked.
I didn't specifically fuck up today...but today is when I noticed...
My girlfriend and I share a lovely house. The logistics of locking every door, every day, every time that we leave has made us inconsistent concerning security. We just left shit open to ensure easy re-entry.
All was well until we went to do laundry for the first time in a couple weeks.
My girl had gone straight Costco Bulk Style for laundry soap. Two 100oz jugs of golden imbued Total Care Tide and a 30 count bag of Tide Pods.
We get downstairs only to find the first jug, which wasn't even half empty, is actually gone. There are maybe 3 Tide Pods left out of 30. After the screaming settled down, (I couldn't do that much laundry if I tried) I remembered she'd once sent me an article explaining how Tide was the most stolen substance on the street.
So we just stare at each other, processing the fact that someone must have strolled straight into our home...presumably several times. And only took detergent...
tl;Dr Liquid Tide is liquid gold...apparently.
RunAMuckGirl: Damn. Have you looked around to see if anything else is missing?
LakesideHerbology: Everywhere. They were smart enough to only take what they could maintain, long term. Come to think of it, there were supposed to be 30 pods o'tide. I doubt we used 5 between us.
I thought she was blowing through them and her me. Until she said, "Where's the other jug of detergent?" It all became apparent.
RunAMuckGirl: Well I'm glad that's all they got. :o)
LakesideHerbology: I appreciate your well wishes. It's scary man. Think. Given the right person, we were under complete control.
But dude just wanted Tide. *mind boggles*
RunAMuckGirl: It's deeply scary. All is well though. Lesson learned I am sure. Be well. <3
LakesideHerbology: Be well Agent Huxley.
RunAMuckGirl: LMAO Oh thanks.
LakesideHerbology: Man, I'm glad you're old enough to get that joke. I didn't even have to look up her character name...I think I love that 2 hour Taco Bell commercial much too much.
| 9 | 1.444444 | |
1409464678 | 1409542830 | t3_2f2ctm | t5_2to41 | 27 | jbh007: TIFU by being honest about my breakup
A few weeks ago, I went to a party I got invited to via a mutual friend of both me and my ex. I knew my ex was going, and I was initially hesitant when I saw the guy he cheated on me with was going to, but decided not to prove to my ex that I was making decisions based on him and went any way.
I previously told my ex and the host I wasn't going, so they were surprised when I showed up (not in a bad way). And it turns out the guy who my ex cheated with flaked.
I ignored my ex and just started chatting it up with a bunch of different guys there, when I started talking to a guy I'll call John. We talked for a bit about random things, both of us enjoying it.
John then mentions that he doesn't know anyone at the party and was invited by his friend. I state that I knew a few through a former friend, my ex.
He then asks why I said former friend, and I explain how we broke up.
My ex cheated on, lied about it for a week, decided the best way to break up was plan a huge night out with me, show up at my place and just dump me while I'm expecting to go to a dinner and a show.
John looks shocked (most people do).
I then tell him about the "it's not you, it's me" email he sent, explaining that he didn't love me because love doesn't exist and the only reason he slept with his ex was because my ex's attraction to him is akin to a crack addiction, and he was coerced into doing it.
John's jaw is a bit dropped.
Then I explain my ex's advice to getting over my grandmother's death: "Bottle up your emotions and ignore them until they go away." Also about how he pretty much told me to bugger off the day of the funeral because he was going to a party, and he didn't want to be bothered consoling me.
John is turning white.
Then I get to the part about my ex telling me to my face I did nothing wrong, while bitching about how immature, stupid, and clingy I was behind my back. He basically told someone (who already doesn't like me because I almost blew up is PUA game), all these problems I never heard him say, and misconstrued events in our relationship to make me look like an idiot who didn't know shit about anything. Half of it was lies, the other half was him making excuses for why we didn't work, most of the issues were ones I had about him (projection is a helluva thing), and he excused his cheating saying "it was over before I cheated on him."
John's jaw is quivering.
I say, "enough about him, so who do you know here then?"
He says he came with his old friend "Chris," who suggested he talk to me.
My ex then walks up, and tries to hug me, and I evade it, basically telling him to bugger off.
I then realize something. Chris is my ex's legal name, yet I know him as "Matt."
Turns out he was the one who brought John to the party.
As Chris/Matt sulks off, John says he has to go and walks away.
I don't talk to John of the party, but he kind of kept eyeing me. I talk to my ex twice more, for 30 seconds each, basically telling him I don't have any interest in being his friend. He's broken, but idgaf.
Two weeks later, my ex offers to take me on an errand (I didn't have a car at the time and he was the only one who offered to help, so I couldn't complain).
I ask him about John. Well, it turns out they were roommates over a year ago. They were good friends until my ex basically told John to "suck it up" when John's ex cheated on him and pulled the same bullshit he did on me. John was really pissed about this, because apparently this happened after my ex's mother died and John poured his heart out to him, consoling him.
John chewed him out over our conversation and stated that my ex is only proving how immature he is and that I was right to call him a giant asshole. Three months of trying to rebuild a formerly strong friendship went down the drain, and my ex completely hates himself for it. He hasn't spoken to John since the party.
And I still don't give a fuck.
TL;DR - told a guy at a party about my breakup, turns out he's friends with my ex and now hates my ex. Ex depressed over it. Don't give a fuck.
Funnyguy226: Can you clarify the genders? You say your ex is with a guy who didn't show, but then you say "He [your ex] didn't love me"
jbh007: That is correct. I'm gay.
Funnyguy226: Okay
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1409467326 | 1409511356 | t3_2f2f7z | t5_2to41 | 56 | ifuckedup6: TIFU by Donating my Weed to Lifeline
This fuck up first kicked off two weeks ago. After a good weekend of smoking bud with my friends, I returned home in search of the perfect hiding place for my leftover goods. With my parents visiting my room often, I had to make sure my stash would never be found. I was struggling to think of an ideal place until I saw a pile of Xbox games stacked up on my desk which surely my parents wouldn't touch. So tucked away inside an old Call of Duty instruction manual was where I assumed my prized possession would reside.
After a quite week in between, I had a long weekend ahead at a friends house with no parents home. Excellent! A perfect opportunity for Mrs Mary Jane to make an appearance! As I went to gather my stash, imagine my reaction to find the COD game, as well as several other old games missing from my desk. I rushed downstairs in a panic to confront my parents, as I wondered how much they have discovered. When I asked my mum where all my games had disappeared to, she calmly responded "Oh, those old things. I donated them to Lifeline.You don't play them anymore do you?" I couldn't believe my ears. Of course I don't play them anymore, but one certainly meant a lot more than a game to me!There was no point arguing with my mum as I couldn't possibly explain why I needed that game back so badly, however I got her to contact the store to see if we could get the game back. My heart sunk when she hopped off the phone and told me that they had already sold the game, as well as a few others of mine to some 12 year old kid who came in with his mum two days ago.
I don't know whats going to happen when this boys mum inevitably finds a pouch of marijuana floating in the instruction manual of her sons new game, but I sure do hope it doesn't come back to me.
TL;DR: Used a Call of Duty manual as a weed storer, until my mum donated it to Lifeline, and set some lucky 12 year old up for a great high.
MistressLiliana: No one ever reads the instruction manual. It will probably stay right where it is for the rest of eternity.
Or1g1nOfDeath: Yeah, instruction manual for a COD game? They'll probably find it in a 1000 years as an ancient artifact of times past.
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1409470188 | 1409473679 | t3_2f2hih | t5_2to41 | 4 | Electriranger: TIFU by staying up and reading things I shouldn't read XD
CraiGT70: See the problem with this post is that everyone does that and therefore it lacks the shock value that produces the laughs. It's also so jumbled and half-assed that people who relate to it won't give a shit.
Also XD (o_O) hahaha so funy
Electriranger: Even those who aren't even 18 and are not guys?
EDIT: I just turned 18.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409472053 | 1409510749 | t3_2f2iy9 | t5_2to41 | 301 | OnlyMySofaPullsOut: TIFU: The story of when I took Old Dirty bastard to buy crack in Boston.
Here's the story about the night I fucked up by agreeing to take Old Dirty Bastard to buy crack in Boston. All of my friends/former co-workers bust the fuck up every time I tell it to someone new. So here you folks go:
I used to be the head of security/runner/rider organizer for a huge nightclub group in Boston MA. One of the things I regularly did was drive the artists to dinner/to their hotels after the show. We had a snazzy Benz limo & shit that the nightclub group owned at which we got to facilitate such things. It was a combination of being an armed bodyguard/fixer/city ambassador to Boston.
Most celebs were super, super generous with their tips with me- especially rappers and DJ's for some reason. I don't know why that was pre se; I surmised that it always seemed these folks enjoyed a good time, and I was a golden ticket to a most certain bomb ass time in Beantown. Perhaps they we're more adventurous or appreciative than the rest of the celeb world. Who the fuck knows......It wasn't uncommon to get a thousand in cash from a cat's manager or assistant after one was done driving them for an evening. I knew every doorman and maitre D in the city; i.e., if you couldn't get a table at the restaurant you wanted to go to, I'd get it. Didn't like your hotel suite? I could obtain one ya would. Don't know where to eat tonight? I have got the spot. Want to go clubbing? I have your VIP table booked and your private entrance arranged. Scale cocaine and tranny hookers? I know people.....you want to make your club entrance skydiving onto the block in front of the club in a hot air balloon shaped like a giant tit? It may take me a few hours, but I could make it happen. You get the gist.....
It didn't matter how off the wall folks were- I was really fucking good at my job and was a pretty slick people person. Everyone fucking loved me and raved about me to my boss. But every once in a while you'd get some crazy motherfucker you'd have to drive around who was a total ass hat. Andy Dick, Carrot Top, etc. But there was one dude that was way, way more bat shit than all the rest that I had to drive: Old Dirty Bastard
ODB came to do a show at the club I worked out of in Boston, right behind Fenway Park back about '00 when "Baby I got Your Money" dropped. His rider was pretty routine- good weed, blunt wraps, champagne, good vodka, a variety of fruit sodas, some good Gyros and fried chicken & fixins. Done.
But after the show, he tells me "I want to go out and cop some rocks and bitches before I go back to the hotel...." Cool bro. Tell me what kind of girls you dig & let me make some calls, and I'll arrange to have it delivered, I say. But no. He wants to go OUT and do this. Fuck my life....
So here we are in Boston. It's 2am, we're on Blue Hill Ave in Mattapan, in the sketchiest area of fucking town, and ODB is out the sunroof of a Benz limo with a bottle of bubbly screaming incoherently with the stereo blaring. I'm basically waiting to get pulled over or outright carjacked at this juncture, so I take out my piece and keep it on my lap, safety off, on account of which hood we're in. So we pull up to a red light at Intervale
Ave and there are four enormous trashy ratchet hos with missing teeth and shit, with cheap, fucked up weaves, terrible make up, in ratty torn spandex mini skirts and scuffed up Payless pumps, presumably, chilling near to their pimp and drug supplier, who is wearing no shirt, a 3/4ths length fur coat, giant aviators with cornrows, a huge gold chain, neon orange break away track pants and some Nikes that literally glowed in the dark. If Flava Flav fucked Riff Raff (or that dude, Alien, from Spring Breakers)....that was what this dude reminded me of. The whole bunch starts talking in an entirely different and deeper ebonics vernacular accompanied by an array of secret handshakes and gang signs and MLB double steal calls that would have made any ASL interpreter envious of their digital dexterity.
I speak pretty solid ebonics myself, but this constituted the Aramaic jive mother tongue of the melanin blessed. I have no idea what the fuck was said to whom, as Samuel Jackson was not riding shotgun with me and able to translate......so I couldn't protest ODB holding court with this sketchball. Next thing I know, the whole lot of them pile into my whip after holding court. Light turns green and we're off......
It's loud as fuck in the back seat and people are screaming and yelling. I lower the partition to see if all was well.....upon which I was offered a hit from Sir Dirty's crack pipe. I politely declined, as I was driving.
At this point, it's past 3am, and Sir Dirty's manager calls me, irate, and demands he return to his hotel as he has another show tomorrow. I tell him as much and we head towards his crash pad- the Four Seasons on Boston Common.
So we arrive at the hotel, and ODB gets out of the limo wearing nothing but boxers and a single sock, holding a bottle of Dom with a crack pipe hanging from his lips. His new friend the pimp is catatonic in the back of the limo, but he and his four ratchet hos get out, and loudly proceed to try and go thru the entrance into the hotel. He's so loud that I can just see interior lights to rooms going on.....shits about to hit the fan. So the Manager of the hotel comes out, a bespeckled gent in his sixties with a British accent, to try and calm the situation, as theres a naked black dude smoking crack with four obese toothless hookers with bad weaves in cheap spandex ho-wear screaming up a storm in the lobby. He denies them entry. The second I see that, I get on the horn to his manager, who comes down, assuages the situation, and ODB and his ho train roll inside.
After he left in the elevator, the manager of the Four Seasons asks me, "Who in God's graces was that man?!" With quite a perturbed overtone to his voice.
"That sir, is the Big Baby Jesus. The Crown Prince of Brooklyn, otherwise known as Old Dirty Bastard...." I chuckle back.
"Well, as if the Yankees aren't enough of a reason to fucking hate New York and all it stands for, I now have a second one!" The manager proclaims, and storms off.
It was at this juncture that I decided it would be prudent to inspect the state of my limo and kick out the pimp in the back. It was also at this juncture that I saw the pimp in the back had puked all over himself and had nodded off from smoking too much heroin off a foil I found in the back.
So I roused him, upon which time he came out, took off his pukey fur coat, and pissed in the garden display in the median of the rotunda driveway at the Four Seasons. The back of my limo also smelled like the South Station men's room at rush hour. I rummaged about briefly, and found out why....
Old Dirty Bastard had also shit on the floor of my limo (it was I giant 8 lb shit, too....)....I tried to pick it up with his shirt, which only smeared it into the carpet, which explained why he was nearly naked, and why my limo smelled like shit. There was also two jizzy condoms lying on the seat.
That shit took me over four hours to clean up. After I was done, it still smelled. We got the fucking car detailed- TWICE....still smelled. So we ended up having to get a new limo because ODB took a monster dump on the fucking floor of the one we had.
For all this bullshit, and literal shit, I got no tip. Fuck Wu Tang.
CocoLeFleur: And how do you know whose shit it was?
OnlyMySofaPullsOut: If it ain't your shit, no one is touching that shit using someone else's shirt. Think of how that'd work. "Hey look a shit! Gimme your shirt man so I can throw it out the window!"
"Uh....no......"
CocoLeFleur: But how do you know his shirt was off because he tried to pick the shit up?
OnlyMySofaPullsOut: If there is someone else's poo on the floor and I'm in his shoes, I, and all of my possessions, are staying the fuck away from the poo. I'm making that a priority lol.......
| 5 | 60.2 | |
1409460513 | 1409504087 | t3_2f28hw | t5_2to41 | 1 | dafozz: TIFU not pooing when I had the urge.
Last night I decided to go for a run, so I donned the running shoes and headed on out the door. As I was locking up I had to make the vital decision wether to please my urge to take a crap or to just go after my jog. Well I decided to go for the latter. I was about a kilometer into my jog and the urge to crap had become so bad it felt like satin was about to reak havok in the middle of the street. Ubruptly I made a straight line sprint for home, past other humans looking shocked for the cop or grim fucking reaper chasing my soul, I finally made it to the front and started walking slightly uphill through my overly large front garden when my asshole decide this was far enough and decided to unleash the devilish steaming hot liquid spewing like a volcanoe in the devils lair out of my asshole. So I had the dillema of shitting in my pants or destroying the freshly planted herb garden. Again to comprehend the sittuation and use my rational mind to make the right choice, I flung down my pants and let my natrual and now mint flavored assjuice spew out all over the herbs. Its needless to say those herbs misteriously dissapeared that night..
Tl; dr: decided not to shit before running.. bad choice, dont do it.
breakingmad1: Pro tip, don't try to write with a flowerly style when you have a grade 10 grasp on the English language!
All fear satin, ruler of hell!
dobboblamcunt: Pro tip, learn what empathy is, no one thinks your cool or smart for putting others down, regardless of how it looks in your head.
The guys writing is absolutely fine.
breakingmad1: Actually they do, the up vote system is proof of this. I have had over 40000 people laugh at my witty retorts, enjoy my anecdotes and enjoy my trivia. My humor may not be for, and that's fine.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1409475949 | 1409591658 | t3_2f2lmz | t5_2to41 | 3,813 | Tinytimsthrowawaytit: TIFU by sleeping with a girl on the first date and stealing her panties
A few years back I'd hooked up with a girl at a party but didn't manage to seal the deal. A few weeks later she invites me up to her place to go on a 'proper date'. It's a little distance away, so it takes me a couple hours to drive up there. We go out to dinner and end up drinking a bottle of wine (or two). I can't drive home, I'm drunk. One thing leads to another and bam, first date sexy time.
Now next morning I had to be somewhere early; I had planned to be home the previous night so I was gonna be super late if I didn't haul ass. When I got up to leave it was still dark. I didn't want to wake her by turning on the light, so I grabbed my clothes, stuffed them into my bag and hit the road.
Later that day I'm home and getting my clothes out the bag. And that's when I saw it, peeking out from behind my t-shirt. My dates dainty pink thong. I reflected on this a moment and realised how this might look. I got a girl drunk. I insisted I had to sleep at her house, as I was also drunk. Took advantage of said drunkenness, and slept with her. Got up in the dead of night to abandon her. And then stole her panties for good measure.
In the end I settled on a text... "Please don't think I'm weird, but I stole your panties by accident". This was 5 years ago. Next week is our wedding. Had to tell the story here cause I sure as shit can't put it in the speech!
VexingRaven: >Next week is our wedding.
5 years ago, I didn't fuck up.
ojaydajuiceman: No, I think he's about to start the biggest fuck up of his life
Eat_The_Muffin: Controversial
Daveezie: DAE women are evil and marriage are evil?
Eat_The_Muffin: > Does anyone else women are evil and marriage are evil?
wat
drocks27: you don't need verbs when saying DAE
MoreWhiskeyPls: DAE RUN JUMP SKI FISH POKE TACKLE EAT
Fuck your rules.
[deleted]: I'm reading 6 nouns.
slowest_hour: Lets go to the run.
We're never going to make that jump.
Have you seen my other ski?
I caught this fish using my box of tackle.
I dont know how to make EAT a noun without pluralizing it. And I also dont know how POKE is a noun at all unless you use it as slang for FOLK.
Ceipie: I gave you a hard poke works.
slowest_hour: I'll allow it.
[deleted]: I gave him a poke after he sold me a pig in a poke, so I ended up in the poke.
slowest_hour: I'm not sure I understand the second usage there. I'm assuming the last usage is slang for prison (though I always thought that was 'pokey' for some reason). Was the pig in a prison?
[deleted]: Translation, basically: I stabbed someone because he sold me something fake, so I ended up in prison.
[Pig in a poke](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig_in_a_poke)
Poke is also an archaic term for bag, if I understand right.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Pig in a poke**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig%20in%20a%20poke): [](#sfw)
---
>
>The [idioms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiom) ___pig in a poke___ and ___sell a pup___ (or ___buy a pup___) refer to a [confidence trick](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confidence_trick) originating in the [Late Middle Ages](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Late_Middle_Ages), when meat was scarce, but cats and dogs (puppies) were not. The idiom *pig in a poke* can also simply refer to someone buying a low-quality pig in a bag because he or she did not carefully check what was in the bag.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Pig ^in ^a ^Poke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig_in_a_Poke) ^| [^List ^of ^confidence ^tricks](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_confidence_tricks) ^| [^National ^Lampoon's ^European ^Vacation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Lampoon%27s_European_Vacation)
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| 16 | 238.3125 | |
1409478957 | 1409504516 | t3_2f2nnj | t5_2to41 | 56 | Nakohago: TIFU by choosing Pokemon over pussy [Slightly NSFW - Themes]
This happened back around the release date of pokemon X/Y (October 25, 2013). There was this girl who had been trying repeatedly to pass hints that she was interested in me. At the time, I was interested in another girl, so I ignored them.
I was pokemon-deprived as I had skipped the black/white generations and had not played any in a really long time. I was looking forward to purchasing and playing pokemon Y, counting down the days like it was New Years eve. You can play with the pokemon and feed them snacks! One week before the release date, the girl lays out all her cards and decides to be completely blunt and forward and invites me over to do "anything I can possibly imagine/want together". [Sex? Maybe an optimistic assumption]
I was unemployed at the time being, budget was extremely tight and the only free money in my pocket was on reserve for pokemon. She went to college in the next state over and I do not have a car. The cheapest, most reasonable way would've been a 4 hour train ride and a two-way ticket would've costed the same as the game.
For a long period of time, I debated it and stood many long nights awake in deep philosophical thought. Estimating how much "happiness" each choice would have made in a utilitarianism sense. On one hand, there was a night of great fun with a beautiful woman but on the other hand furry little critters that you can collect and battle each other. Hundreds of hours of battling and breeding, the game sits on my shelf unused with all my regrets in the long run and my balls remain dry. ]=
Things didn't work out with the other girl and recently became interested in the girl of the story. My face when she says I'm her soul mate (in a friendship/I completely understand her) and have achieved the next level of friend zone. So I got that going for me...
TL;DR: Choice of Pokemon or pussy, gave myself blue balls and was "soulmate"-zoned
Chattery: Don't worry, man, they're not all worth catching ;-)
busior: you mean STDs ?
Chattery: I meant women. STDs aren't worth catching in the first place. "Aww. CHLAMYDIA appeared to be caught!"
| 4 | 14 | |
1409477960 | 1409497751 | t3_2f2mzs | t5_2to41 | 9 | oreycookies: TIFU by talking trash about a taxi drivers playlist
Hi r/tifu!
First time poster so be gentle :)
Okay here goes. Today, my SO and I were heading to my grandfather's place for some Sunday lunch and we decide to take a taxi instead of the car since gas is pretty expensive here.
Most cabs usually play one of the cheesy radio stations in the city that air equally cheesy songs from the 90s and the early 00s.
Now this isn't a problem most times and it's pretty common to sing along and laugh about how some of your friends used to sing or play these songs back in the day (god we're old). And to talk trash about this music in general.
So i proceed to do this and me and my SO are laughing for about 3 to 4 songs when suddenly the driver pulls up this old mp3 player connected to the aux of his radio. We both immediately shut up and had to endure an awkward 15 minute ride while the driver was humming to his playlist.
We tipped him well.
TL;DR talked trash about drivers playlist, had to tip him well.
qqpls: At least you tipped him well! Honest mistake, no worries!
oreycookies: Haha i live by the credo "try not to piss off people who provide services for you"
| 3 | 3 | |
1409481299 | 1409504910 | t3_2f2p83 | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting my penis in a fan
Just got off a late night at work, figured I'd grab a pint of vodka to end the night right. About 2:00am after getting sufficiently buzzed, I decided to have a fap.
My fan in my room wasn't blowing as well as it should since the cover was full of dust. So I removed it about a week ago.
I went to go press play on my laptop that was playing Scrubs on Netflix; I leaned over the fan with a half stiffy to reach over to my dresser and bam, it happened that fast.
It's red and tender. Skin is missing.
Tips for the pain?
Poz_Load: Instructions unclear: dick stuck in fan.
harryschwandule: I will never understand why so many people have trouble holding an apple to the wall. Just watch the damn video
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1409484388 | 1409528679 | t3_2f2rhj | t5_2to41 | 21 | secret__tunnel: TIFU by leaving my bedroom door open.
So I've been sleeping on my sofa for the past week as my room was quite messy and I've been ill. I was planning on clearing up said messy room once I was better, then sleeping in there again.
For the past few days my mum has been commenting on the fact that she can smell that my cat has peed somewhere in the house (she does this sometimes when she's stressed), but we couldn't figure out where and it was a very faint whiff so we just left it. (I know that sounds really gross but we figured it was in some laundry that had since been washed) So today my mum goes into my room and- you guessed it, discovers the source of the acrid cat piss stench. its not even like she peed in it once and ventured off to piss pastures new, she has been using it as her own personal kitty loo for over a week, urinating all over clean clothing in a laundry basket, on some towels and on my dirty laundry heap. The smell in there burnt my retinas, You could taste it.
I learnt my lesson, and will never leave my door open again.
TL;DR left my vacant bedroom door open for a week, cat pissed everywhere.
creepingfreelylove: You should get her spayed . It could be because she's in heat.
secret__tunnel: We got her spayed when she was a kitten. I think its a reaction to stress, we were moving stuff around in the house all week, it was probably that.
creepingfreelylove: Oh. Probably, my cat got really stressed when we redid some of the rooms.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1409487476 | 1409488310 | t3_2f2tz5 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU By eating top Ramon inebriated and putting the ripped flavoring packet in my pocket....
It was the year of our lord, 2014. This story happen last Friday, so about a week ago. Just a heads up to all my friendly reddittors, I am drunk. Thus will 'cause many and I mean many grammar and spelling mishaps. Well since I got that out of the way, we can proceed. I am 22 years of age, and I have a pretty awesome life. I had a few road bumps and a hand full of dead ends but who hasn't though, right? I guess we can all make one decision that seems so inadequate, but that shit can just tumble into a huge ass snowball. Then the next minute you are flat on your ass. Well, I just got hit by Rolling Rock(No Pun intended). I had this lovely and insanely gorgeous girlfriend. She was my one and only if I were ever to have one.... Honestly, I don't know how I pulled it off in high school. Ever since 9th grade we have been boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah... Yeah... It's cute and all, but last Saturday that chapter in my life closed real fast. Kinda like a Kenyan on coke fast.
I fairly successful for my age, but It comes with a price. I work very long hours and barely get to see my SO. In a sense that fear of cheating goes a long way. I would never do such a thing, and I am pretty sure she wouldn't either. In this day and age you just don't know anymore. In any relationship, I think it is an untold thought that we all play out in our heads(Sorry for getting to deep.). Okay, and now the story.
It was a cool summer's Friday and I just got finished with work. Excited, I fast walked to my truck and poof! I was out of there like Houdini. About 3-4 minutes away from my work, I saw a Co-worker of mine walking on the side of the road. Being a nice person, I offered him a ride to where ever he was going. Well he was going to his second job bar tending and offered me a couple rounds on the house. Being a sane man and having a passion for beer, I caved. Some old wise guy said "The best things in life all start with "F", Females, F***ing, and Fermentation. I couldn't agree anymore! Alright, I finally get home and since I am in the process of moving. I have really nothing to eat besides PB&J and Ramon Noodles(Chicken Flavored). So I made both. I was so drunk I made a JP&B and cooked the soup half assed by nuking it. Dip your pb&j into the soup its pretty good.
Since everything is pretty much packed up and my garbage was filled with empty boxes. I just tucked the ripped flavoring packet in my pocket in my drunken state. Well, my so called ex didn't like when I went to bars. She was over protective, but not crazy with it. After I ate I took a nice shower and took out the trash including the Ramon soup plastic label part. I pulled a drunken Danny Tanner. I cleaned up the whole place and washed all the dishes... I hopped into bed with my SO and passed out.. I told her what I did and why it took me longer than usual to get home before I hit the hay. I woke up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I went to wrap my arms around my SO, but she was not there. Hmmm... That is odd, she usually sleeps in. Maybe she is out with her sister shopping or something. I walk into my living room to see written on the wall in Midnight black spray paint " FUCK YOU".. Yes, she wrote them letters of hate in all caps. Shit just got real.
I called her to see what the hell is going on. To sum up the phone conversation, she picked up my jeans and the end piece of the tin foil Ramon Flavoring packet fell out. She thought it was the end of a prophylactic wrapper..... FUCKING HELL JUST FROZE OVER!! OH MY GOD, I am FUCKED!!!.... Sweat was pouring off of me... I could fell my balls shrink into me and my heart thump in my ears! I start to shake like Michael J. Fox............ I wasn't that drunk and my self talk assured me that I didn't cheat. I remember the whole night clearly. My balls are slowly climbing into my throat as my anxiety takes hold of me.. I tried to explain to her, but all that was coming out of my mouth was panic words that couldn't form a sentence. Thus, making seem like I really did cheat. Then all the sudden I remembered that I have the evidence to prove I made Roman noodles last night. I put the phone to my shoulder as look to the empty trash can.... My pupils dilate as my cold sweaty asshole is doing the opposite. I remembered that I cleaned up last night. Who the fuck cleans while drunk. Yeah, I do.... She soon after hung up and said we are done. We have never said those words to each other ever. Reality hit, my cats and dog are gone too. I sprinted outside and leaped into the dumpster digging to find the plastic grocery bag I threw away last night. Neighbors looked in awe as I tossed their left over pizza and meatloaf out of the dumpster. 30 Minutes of searching, I gave up... It was forever lost in the dark abyss of the dumspter. The soup bowl was also clean.. I am doomed..
I kept calling her over and over and left 100 voice mails trying to explain what what happened. My new house and condo are the aftermaths of Hurricane Claire. My truck has key marks down the sides so much that it looks like an inverted zebra. The best part, yeah the best fucking part... Tonight, to put the icing on the cake. I heard she went to a poplar club and went home with some douche bag.. So I decided to drink myself to sleep upon hearing this news and drowned in my own tears. I was very hesitant to post this but from what I found tonight, but It made it Reddit worthy. I never take off my pants in the bedroom and those weren't even my jeans I discovered while I was packing them up.. I am size 34, those were size 29. All in all, I found out my High School sweet heart is a whore... I still don't think I can eat Ramon again.
flywheel1983: holy sidescrolling.
Too Long, Didnt sidescroll.
yomandenver: I stopped reading after attempting to read the first "paragraph."
flywheel1983: I thought the whole thing was a quoted run-on sentence :)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1409489173 | 1409507045 | t3_2f2via | t5_2to41 | 115 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my dick out with my mom in the room
So, not too long ago, I was sleeping in my room watching Liar Liar. Well, actually, I wasn't watching it at all. It was background noise to ward off my parents (who are down the other side of my house), while I jerked off to some porno. My pants were down at my ankles, and everything was cool. I was almost about to cum, when luckily enough, the door at the end of my hallway squeaked a little bit to alert me that someone was coming (no pun intended). I quickly turned off my iPhone and tossed my headphones on to the floor, pretending to watch Liar Liar.
My mom came in and asked me 'are you alright honey?'. I pretended to have been awoken and said that I was fine. Little did I know, everything was not fine. Because my fucking pants were still around my ankles. This is where the FU started.
In the blink of an eye, my mom jumped onto the other side of the bed to watch 'Liar Liar'. My boner goes quickly, but my pants are still around my ankles. Fuck fuck and fuck. In a bit of a pickle. I quickly tuck the middle of the sheet under my ass to protect me, when my mom jumps in the bed next to me. For 20 minutes, she sits there, watching the movie and asking me questions, while sweat coats my forehead and my brain tries to work out how I can get my pants up quickly. Luckily, my mom turned around and started sleeping. I seized the chance, and my pants were up. To this day, she doesn't know what happened. She will never know.
TL;DR: Masturbating when my mom comes in and sits next to me, with my pants around my ankles. For 20 minutes, I sweat it out until I can seize the chance to return my pants to their normal position.
shakaspeare: Oh, she knew. She was waiting for you to make a move.
doctorish: Something something broken arms.
Years later he could have an awesome AMA.
angypangy: WHAT'S THAT FROM?
doctorish: There was a IAmA that was a boy who was sleeping regularly with his mother. It started when he couldn't masturbate and his mother did it for him.
/r/OutOfTheLoop
angypangy: Found it, thanks
| 6 | 19.166667 | |
1409489683 | 1409532708 | t3_2f2vx8 | t5_2to41 | 193 | Mrdrunkenbatman: TIFU by watching Natalie Portman audition the finger puppets 3 times.
Thor the dark world is on tv and reminded me of something that happened.
A while ago I was watching black* swan for the first time, the room was pretty dark and I was watching it with the sound turned up.
In one scene Natalie Portman starts going to town on herself, she's hot as fuck and it was a pretty hot scene so I rewinded it and watched it again.
Then I rewinded it and watched it again, I had spent at least a couple of minutes watching her airing out the orchid when "AHEM"
My mother was watching it with me and I had completely forgot.
She is very Christian and we have never even spoken about sex, it was awkward as fuck.
Edit- Black not dark*
Breathless_Mahoney: What exactly was your mom's reaction then to the scene where Mila Kunis goes down on her then? I imagine it was a very awkward movie to watch in general.
VexingRaven: Clearly I fucked up by not watching this movie!
hokeyphenokey: Watch it tonight. Not with your mom.
VexingRaven: Well darn, there go my hopes and dreams.
| 5 | 38.6 | |
1409490493 | 1409492914 | t3_2f2wn0 | t5_2to41 | 21 | sallymayblues: [TIFU] and let my husband do the paperwork and name our first son <Megatron>.
This is not happening. It's not real and I refuse to believe that our boy is a Transormer. My husband has always been a gambler and has a spontaneous personality. Over the years I got used to his quirks and now know what to expect out of him.
But this is f-ing bananas. We don't live in the US and while I was being treated in the hospital he filled out the forms and named our son Megatron.
Now he is jumping up and down saying he'll teach him to wrestle, skateboard.
I want to cry...............
nhebert1987: It could have been worse. You could have had a girl named megatron...
GISP: So Its not short for Megan?
| 3 | 7 | |
1409497120 | 1409498171 | t3_2f33sp | t5_2to41 | 16 | female_redditor_pmme: TIFU by making a terrible joke about a classmate coming out.
I'll keep it short and sweet.
So a kid in my senior class came out via English paper to his class a few days ago. So it spurred a huge commotion because obviously it's a big deal. When I first heard about it, I was with 5 or 6 friends, including one of the prettiest girls in my grade.
So they're talking about it, describing exactly how he did it, how awesome it was, and 'good for him' among other things.
So I decide to pipe up, **'I wonder if be finds me attractive?'**
^^ignoretheusername,I'maguy
Wow. Way to make it about myself. A joke in bad taste. In front of really pretty girls. Fuck me.
chargoggagog: I have 2 gay close friends. Both of them feel like it shouldn't be a big deal.
dwarfbane: I was gonna say... it shouldnt be a big deal if someones gay
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1409492990 | 1409520201 | t3_2f2z3k | t5_2to41 | 465 | dede37: TIFU with Minty Fresh Breasts
A couple months back I was fighting a bad sinus infection. Being unable to take decongestants, I was trying all kinds of natural remedies to open my head up so I could breathe. Several friends had suggested I try peppermint oil in some fashion or another. Since I was at the end of my rope with the stuffiness, I stopped at the local health food store and picked up the cheapest bottle available.
Once I got home I set about applying the peppermint oil. Most friends had told me they dabbed a drop or two under their noses. After I mixed the peppermint with olive oil I rubbed some under my nose. After a minute of not noticing any relief I decided that if a little bit was good that more should be better. I proceeded to rub more oil on my temples and at the base of my neck.
About that time the burning sensation kicked in. My head was on fire. I ran to the bathroom and tried to remove the oil on my temples. However my wiping at the oil only served to smudge it over a greater area. Soon the burning sensation and smell of peppermint became too much for me to bear.
I jumped in the shower to wash away all the oil. But again the oil just seemed to multiply and flow all over my skin. The next spot it landed was on my chest. As bad as it was to have my head burn, having the burning so near my lungs was worse. I began to panic in earnest.
I jumped out of the shower and began to yell for my husband to help me. He came in the bathroom to see me naked and jumping around screaming "Help me, my boobs are burning!" Of course he started laughing and I started crying.
First he brought me Dawn to wash with. It helped a little, but the boobs continued to burn. He looked up how to remove essential oil on the Internet and saw a recommendation to wipe with olive oil. We got some cotton balls and started wiping things down. The fire on my head was gone, but the boobs continued to tingle.
As I was pretty much having a full on panic attack by now we called an essential oil retailer to get advice. She worried I was suffering a chemical burn as I had used a cheap product that probably contained additives. She suggested rinsing the area with milk.
After giving my chest a milk bath, I had had enough. I threw on some clothes and we drove to the nearest medstop. I just wanted to breath normally and have someone tell me if I had burned myself or not.
I have to give the nurse credit for never once laughing as I told her this story and showed her the reddish pinkish spot on my tingly chest. She told me I was fine and wondered if I was just having an allergic reaction to the oil. The doctor couldn't resist making some crack about me making salad dressing when I told him everything I had put on my chest to stop the burning. He suggested I take some benadryl and have a nice cool bath.
Soon after my boobs finally stopped tingling and I calmed down enough to realize how hilarious this all was. Needless to say we returned the peppermint oil. And I will never rub anything peppermint on myself again.
edit: new to this, removed WALLOFTEXT (thanks)
analemmaro: I once washed my dick and balls with dr. Bronners peppermint soap. Needless to say I feel your pain, although in a slightly different way 😐
Edit: 🐐
kat_loves_tea: My husband used my peppermint Dr Bronner's soap by squirting it all over his nether regions in a hot shower once. Never again. Now anytime he sees Dr Bronner's soap (it's amazing for getting stains out of baby clothes!), he calls it the ball tingling soap.
Edit: redditing with a distracting baby in my lap makes typos. Meh..
turdFRGSN: "my husband"
"her nether regions"
my mind is boggled. did (s)he have a sex change in-between sentences?
Chemical_Castration: Or the more likely typo.
turdFRGSN: /s
Chemical_Castration: ^
turdFRGSN: *
Chemical_Castration: ^
CapgrasX13: ♢
| 10 | 46.5 | |
1409496440 | 1409693500 | t3_2f32xn | t5_2to41 | 3 | SurfaceThrower: TIFU by bidding too early on eBay
So, this is a pretty normal fuck up, but a fuck up none the less.
I've been looking into the Microsoft Surface Pro 3 for a while, living where I live the prices are jacked up quite a bit compared to the American counterparts. Thinking I was smart and could get it for a discounted rate, I bidded for a Surface Pro 3 on eBay keeping in mind that I did know about the delivery costs and GST that I would incur.
However, I didn't think it through enough and found other avenues of getting it that would likely lessen my hassles if I ever had to deal with warranty, as well as the wait time being far shorter (I living on the other side of the world).
So here I am, waiting for the bidding to finish and just hoping that someone beats me out so I can forget about this fuck up.
P2Pdancer: I (like many others) can relate. Luckily, someone always bids more at the last minute. How much longer is the auction?
SurfaceThrower: I was lucky! At the time of posting this, is was about 9 hours until the auction ended. And someone did end up outbidding me. Phew.
P2Pdancer: Nice :)
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409498236 | 1409506810 | t3_2f358i | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my coworkers I'm going to be homeless.
This actually happened yesterday. I had my last day at work at a restaurant I'd be working at for around a month or two. I was really liking it and everyone there seemed really nice and a made friends fast. I was really looking forward to working there for a while but unfortunately my sub lease for the summer was up and I didn't have any place lined up to live. I could try and find an apartment super quick but I don't really have the money to support myself anyway so I figured I'd just quit and move back home and see what my parents were up to. All week I'd told everyone I was leaving because I was moving and they were sad to see me go, they said I was one of the most hardworking new hires they'd every had, which made me feel really proud. Anyway so last night me and another guy are doing the dishes and I told him I'ma go grab a drink to cool off and he says "you can cool off when you're jobless and homeless." Since we were joking I chuckled a little and said "hey that's not funny I'm actually gunna be homeless". Literally the entire kitchen stopped what they were doing and look at me super seriously and I had to explain further, I told them that I really didn't have a place lined up because I didn't, I don't even know were my dad is and my mom has a room mate she needs to kick out before I can move in. I'm only 19 so I figured being in this position wasn't that big of a deal and I'm really not that worried, I'll just have to stay with some friends or find some family for a little while, but since most of the people are still in highschool they can't imagine life outside the parents house. After that I went back to dishes and my manager told me everything would be okay and he'd love to have me back or help me out anyway he can. I typically try to keep people on a need to know basis so telling everyone on the last day made me really uncomfortable. Alot of them said they were really worried about me and i told them not to be. Since I grew up poor and still am pity is something that makes me extremely nervous and I still don't know how to handle it right. I just kept working as hard as I could and eventually it got off everyone's minds until the end of the night, they released me early because I'm still pretty new and don't know everything about closing the place yet, as they normally did. Someone asked about my situation again and I told them I was going to be fine, said "Have a nice life everyone" and got out of there. This probably isn't a big deal but it makes me really uncomfortable to think about and I'm sure it did them, I wish I'd just never said anything.
tldr: complicated living situation, jokingly tell coworkers I'll be homeless, mass pity on my last day there.
TheEnKrypt: > I just kept working as hard as I could
That's right, OP. Go hard or go home.
MSLB: But he gonna be homeless ain't he?
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1409500741 | 1409622090 | t3_2f38sz | t5_2to41 | 13 | jpstudly: TIFU by sitting down at work to take a water break
So I work on board a ship, particularly on firefighting system maintenance. I was on a ship working on an extremely corroded valve on a weather deck in 109 degree weather wearing a pair of dark blue coveralls. I was getting a little light headed so I decided I would sit down and drink some water. When I sat down I heard a loud thump against the ship and looked down just in time to see something hit the water 40 feet below us. In a panic I scurried through my pockets and realized it was my brand new Galaxy S5 I bought a week prior... $600... The only thing my coworker could say was "at least it's waterproof"
jpstudly: ya, ill be using my Motorola RAZR for the next year or so
cldellow: Any chance you bought it w/a premium credit card? Some have no-questions-asked replacement policies for things you lose/destroy in the first 90 days of ownership.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1409502370 | 1409504192 | t3_2f3bam | t5_2to41 | 15 | Powercutters: TIFU by driving my sister's car
So I'm at my sisters house for the weekend, taking time off school so I can visit a chain of university open days that are close to each other and around about the same date.
For a couple of months now I had been learning to drive and my sister had been funding me for lesson, which was very kind of her. I was telling her on how much I had come on since the last few months and she said that she would let me try her car sometime.
Fast forward to this morning, and my sister told me to reverse her car out of the driveway so she could get her boyfriend's car out from in front of it. Nervously I agreed and went into the car. I made sure to be careful, the seatbelt was on, I adjusted the mirrors, I made sure the car was in neutral before driving.
Everything went smoothly as I started to reverse but I realised I was going faster than expected. I tried to slow down with the brake with the clutch still fully in, causing the car to stall and I lost complete control of the car. I was rolling backwards with the brake not working and no idea what to do.
At this point my sister burst out of the house and screamed for me to stop, but I couldn't. The car continued to drive through her neighbour's garden, and grinded against the side of the car before coming to rest in the neighbour's wall.
My sister screamed, as I stumbled out of the car. The rear bumper had come off and the fog lights were ruined. What's more, the neighbour's car was badly damaged and I had made a dent in his garage door when I hit the wall.
Still in a state of shock, I had to witness my sister explain to the neighbour what happened and as she attempted to drive away, the brake lights just collapsed from the rear of the car. I felt completely terrible afterwards.
idamnedit: So you know in the future the emergency brake works off a completely different system, usually cables. So you could have stopped the car that way. Source: drove a car a couple miles with a broken brake hose and down shifting plus fancy e brake work.
Powercutters: Thanks for the advice, I've been thinking all day off what I could have done differently. I'll see if I can get my driving instructor to do some more work on that.
idamnedit: It is more of a tip to keep in the back of your head than something you should practice. Me driving without brakes was totally stupid. I am surpised I was able to do it.
Powercutters: Out of curiosity, what actually happened to your brakes?
idamnedit: I had an old car, 1977 olds cutlass supreme in 1995. The brake hose was cracked when I was out one day. I was not really far from home and if I tapped the brakes I could build very little pressure. I also knew I could slow the car by down shifting plus I knew about the ebrake system. So using all that I slowly drove it home. Then to the garage the next day to get fixed.
That car also taught me that if your car is overheating and you have just a little ways to go and no water, turn your vents to hot and open them all the way up. It will help ever so slightly.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1409502893 | 1409627871 | t3_2f3c2f | t5_2to41 | 72 | wiilwaal: Tifu by telling my female crush that I loved her
So I have known this girl let's call her Jessica, for a long time. She is beginning university in a another city. Sadly for me it is known as a party school full of jocks and a whole lot of hooking up. For me, I have always liked her as a friend but gradually I started having feelings for her. Mainly because she wanted to spend time with me by hanging out at the mall going to movies and going to festivals. Naturally I thought, hey I think she likes me. The idiot that I am decides to pour my heart and soul to her the night before she leaves to university. I take to the lake just before sunset. We start to have cupcakes I bought her and then with the sub setting upon the lake I summon the courage to say 'so Jessica, I really appreciate the time we spend together and feel like what we have is special. I love you and want to have you as my girlfriend!' She literally was like omg....her face literally turned to shock and confusion. Then she laid on me the worst sentence my ears have ever heard.....'but I see you more as a brother and friend'. FML. The next 20 seconds felt so deathly awkward I literally wanted to throw myself in the lake. FUCK. From there it was the usual 'O don't feel bad, we can be friends and hang out it won't feel awkward'. Honestly, fuck that shit. I dropped her off at her place, literally refused to hug her, only shook her hand and wished her good luck. And spent 20 minutes crying like a pussy for fucking up so hard.
FML
plasma1147: no point of staying friends if you have feelings for her and she doesn't for you. Move on, you'll be happier
bronze_fonz: I second that motion
DeanTheDJ: I call that second.
futurebillandted: All In Favor?
DeanTheDJ: Descent! Descent! Descent!
| 6 | 12 | |
1409504906 | 1652765486 | t3_2f3f5f | t5_2to41 | 24 | throwaway921334: TIFU by tripping on DXM
So I tried DXM (for those who don't know, its taking a bunch of Robitussin) last night for the second time. I've done my research regarding the dosage and legality (its legal where I live). So I took 600mg which was slated to give me a nice 3rd Plateau experience. The last time I did 600mg I laid in bed the entire time, experiencing closed eye visuals. This time however, I walked into the kitchen about 1 hour into the trip to get some water. My roommates saw me walking strangely and started freaking out. They thought I had OD'd and was going to die. I tried explaining that I took a safe dose and that I just needed to be left alone for the next 5 hours. They didn't buy it, and almost called the hospital. Some friends came over a little later, and one of my roommates immediately told everyone that I had swallowed a bunch of pills for depression (even though DXM is a dissociative) and was trying to kill myself. So then people would come into my room every 10 minutes or so to ask me why I did it. I tried explaining that it was purely recreational. Now that I've come down and gotten some sleep, they yelled at me for being stupid and a druggy. I've only smoked pot twice (last year).
TL:DR;
Did a safe dose of DXM, roommates freaked out and ruined my trip, all of my friends now think I pop pills when they aren't around. Worst day ever.
plasma1147: what's the high like and is there any danger factor in taking DXM ?
throwaway921334: First I'll address the danger;
Yes, there is a risk when taking DXM but ONLY if you don't pay attention. You have to find the pills/medicine that ONLY had Dextromorphan as the only active ingredient. There should not be anything else in the active ingredient list besides HBr/Dextromorphan. I personally prefer the Robitussin cough gels.
The "high" is very unique (or so I'm told. I've only done pot and DXM). The first two plateaus is very chill and relaxing. The 3rd plateau is an entirely different experience. I closed my eyes and went on a journey through space and time. I had some music playing, and each song took me to a different universe. The high lasts about 6 hours.
To sum it up, DXM is a recreational drug that very few people like. Only 1/3 of the people who try it like it enough to do it again. Its meant to be a "personal" high. If you are an introvert, shy, or just want to have some alone time than this is the right drug. Do not take DXM and go to a party (unless you dont go past the 2nd plateau). It is completely safe as long as you get the stuff with Dextromorphan as the ONLY active ingredient.
plasma1147: so all you do is take 600mg of Robitussin?
throwaway921334: Yes, as long as Dextromorphan is the only active ingredient. It takes about an hour to kick in. Find a good music playlist (I normally don't listen to dubstep, but for DXM trips I do. Its perfect). Lay in bed with 2 pillows or so to prop you up (don't lay flat on your back). And enjoy the ride.
ActiveEnvironmental6: How many pills is 600mg?
Glittering_Grand_831: 40 pills If their 15mg pills is 600mg
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1409502211 | 1409585240 | t3_2f3b2i | t5_2to41 | 168 | colehole5: TIFU by running my girlfriend's dad over with a tractor
The year was 2010, placing this fuck up nearly 5 years in the past. I was a stringy adolescent -roughly 17 - and on this pleasant March day in Colorado, I was playing the role of the good boyfriend driving to my girlfriends house, flowers in tow, to congratulate her on her 16th birthday.
Now this girl (well call her Rose) was very nice, as was her family. Being a dancer she was very pretty as well, but we simply didnt mesh very well. As such i figured the days of the relationship were likely numbered, an assumption that was unexpectedly validated that dark evening.
The party goes well, much of her family shows up and I meet a number of very nice people. The adults guzzled beer, the children engaged in revelry. The house was aglow in bliss. I feel that I made a good impression, and was getting ready to leave as the sun set. Only one thing stood in the way of my safe departure.
You see, one of the partygoers had her car stuck in the mud. Being the gracious man that he was, my girlfriends father offered to pull it out with the tractor harbored in the backyard. He quickly pulled it up front and hooked chains up to the car. I waited on hand, nervously available to help if it was needed.
I was nervous you see, because I had recently moved out to the country after years of being a very sheltered city boy. I was blissfully unaware to the workings of a lawnmower, let alone a tractor. As I hear my girlfriends father call my name, I curse under my breath and hustle over to the helm of the tractor where he is seated.
"You know how to work a clutch?" he asks me. I shake my head. "Well here is your chance to learn."
I hop on the tractor and follow his instructions, stepping on the brake and clutch, and cranking the key. He directs me where I should steer while standing to the left of me in front of the rear tire. The engine is sounding loudly, so I lean nearer to him attempting to glean more instructions. The party looks on. I hear him say something about releasing the clutch. I do so, and the tractor lurches forward, which to me, was unexpected. I watch in horror as Rose's father is snapped violently to the ground and underneath the tire. I slam on the brakes, and to my horror, the tractor stops squarely on his left shoulder. He reaches toward me futilely with his right arm, gasping like a fish that had left the sanctuary of its tank. A child screams.
In my panic and desperation to get this monolithic machine off of my girlfriends father, I release the clutch once more and the tractor rolls past his head. I slam on the brakes again and attempt to hop off to help in any way I can. However, any time I release the brake the tractor rolls forward again. I sit pathetically helpless in the seat of the tractor, twisting around in time to see a few fear infused partiers throwing a white sheet over the mangled man. A red stain works its way swiftly across the fabric. More screaming. All warmth leaves my body.
I tremble violently and curse repeatedly as another man runs over and turns the tractor off for me. I jump off and my legs betray me as I fall to the mud. I run over to Rose's father, but a few adults push me away. Stammering useless apologies, I back away and stumble over towards the grove of trees nearby. I want to find someplace where I am no longer a threat to this beautiful family. Rose and her mother accost me and both wrap me into a hug, telling me that it was an innocent accident, as their beloved man lay broken only a few feet away. Police lights and sirens abound.
Somebody instructs me to call my mom and I do so, stammering something to the effect of "IranoverRosesdadIthinkhemightbedead" and hang up the phone. I turn towards the house and see A FUCKING HELICOPTER touch down in the front yard. I clutch my head and begin to frantically sob as the gravity of the current situation grasps me. I retch quietly. Roses father is bundled up, placed on a stretcher and flown to the hospital. I give a jumbled witness statement as my frazzled family arrives, looking dazed and attempt to evaluate the extent of my current mental frailty. Finally, at roughly midnight we follow everybody to the hospital to see how Rose's father is holding up.
He lived, sustaining 3 broken ribs (front and back) a broken shoulder, a broken arm, a broken nose, jaw, and left orbital. Rose and I broke up shortly thereafter.
Tl;dr: Ran over my girlfriends dad, he broke hella bones and was life flighted to hospital, lived like a bo55 and took his arm out of the sling whenever I came over.
Edit: HOLY HELL WALL OF TEXT
peggman: That must be horrible... Next time you ride a tractor, press the clutch pedal and shift the stick into neutral. Now you can release the pedal and the tractor will stay still.
colehole5: Yeah I have since learned how to drive a manual, a skill that I will be teaching my children at a ripe age in a safe setting
peggman: Almost all cars here in Europe are manual. I'm 15 and I don't even have my drivers license but I drive around a tractor at my uncles place.
| 4 | 42 | |
1409509574 | 1409560350 | t3_2f3ml7 | t5_2to41 | 5,030 | trippinbawlls: TIFU by sucking my own dick. NSFW
After watching a episode of Workaholics.. there was an episode when one of their co-workers would do weird stuff when he was off from work, and they wanted to get dirt on him. They decided to stalk him, and they saw him in his house sucking his own dick. I was alone at my house and decided, why not? let me go ahead and try it. I always have been a flexible man, I do yoga at times, and no I am not gay. I do have a pretty large penis which I will not brag about. But I went on my couch and decided to try it.. At first I was able to reach the tip, then farther and farther until I put almost all of it in my mouth. I got a cramp all of a sudden on both of my legs.. and they were stuck that way for a good 30 seconds, if I moved it would hurt a ton... So I decided to stay that way until the cramp went away. The bad part was that leaving my own dick in my mouth without being able to move because of the painful cramps I just got caused me to start choking. So if you can just picture it, it was very uncomfortable and it was not satisfying at all. Overall, I give sucking my own dick.. half a star.
EDIT: TL;DR: I decided to go ahead and try to suck my own dick and ended up choking on it after my legs cramped up.
OG_Pow: *I do have a pretty large penis which I will not brag about*
thehighground: And he got it all in his mouth with no gag reflex, I thinks he's fooling himself about being gay
TrishyMay: Eh, I'm a lesbian and I can deep throat a toy no problem but I have no interest in dick.
WhatHadHappened: I've never gotten the whole deep throating or blowing a dildo. Not trying to offend. Just don't see the appeal.
logangrey123: Some guys like watching people swallowing large phallic shaped objects
WhatHadHappened: Sure. But if she's a lesbian pretty sure it's just another chick around.
logangrey123: Yeah but she probably just tried it for fun. The dildo might be for masturbating? Or sex fun
TrishyMay: Not just for fun, it's in our regular mix as it is a turn for both my partner and I.
logangrey123: Oh, what turns you on about it? I could only guess since It doesn't turn me on.
TrishyMay: Well, as I said in another comment, I have a major oral kink. I like giving and recieving and enjoy any kind of porn (mm, mf, ff, etc) as long as oral is involved. It is degrading in just the right way I guess? Despite not wanting to be with a man, facials are a big thing for me as well. Sex is weird sometimes.
Folzi: meh, could be relationship gay, sexually bisexual. Sexuality comes in weird packages.
| 12 | 419.166667 | |
1409508193 | 1409576869 | t3_2f3kcf | t5_2to41 | 612 | a_null_situation: TIFU by getting a staircase rail stuck in my ass in front of my GF's family
Fuck me. I am dead today.
Girlfriend lives with her family still, but I've come to know her family and really love them. I hang out there all the time and periodically help her parents with their side business, so I was given a spare key to the place. Well, today their family went out to Temecula for wine tasting, and the plan was for them to stay in a hotel overnight so they could see a show close to there the next day. My girlfriend didn't go because she had work, and she was working till late. I decided I was going to surprise her when she got home with my bare ass naked self. See her and I usually make fun of those hilariously-not-so-sexy sexy poses that you often see in shows or movies, and when it's just her and I fooling around, sometimes we make that pose and exaggerate it as much as we can. We sort of made a contest out of who can outdo the last pose. So I had an idea for a good one. Well it seemed good.
First thing you see when you open her door is the staircase and the railings. The start of her railings has that ball sort of starting pillar, so I thought, what the fuck, it'd be hilarious if I balanced myself on the railings and rested my ass on the ball, pointing to the door. I have a really hairy ass that my girlfriend makes fun of, so I had the idea to spread the fuckers out to high heaven and put the hairy goodness on display. So I get to her place about fifteen minutes before she'd be home and wait for her. Pretty soon I hear the car pull up so I get in position. I drew a quick mock up for you guys to help the visuals.
http://i.imgur.com/rbOF4oW.png
As soon as the knob turns I open wide, straining my neck in a weird ostrich-like way upward for whatever comedic effect, and shout "MAYBE A RIMJOB FOR GOOD MEASURE!" (That's another inside joke...Couldn't explain it properly if I tried.)
I turn my head. It's her family. Her mom actually dropped her keys. My heart sank and I could almost feel my butthole swallow the ballknob as it cringed. My reputation with them is forever ruined and I will never be able to erase their reactions from my mind. The mom started cussing at me and the dad just kept staring. Her sister (2 years younger than my girlfriend, who is 21) went into hysterics and fell on the floor laughing. These three different ranges of emotions led my already fry-fucked brain to even more confusion, and all I could think to say was, "Well why the fuck are you in this house?" I said it just like that, like there was another house that they should have rather been in or something. Best part is my girlfriend is still working... She got called in for extra time. So although I'm sure her parents have told her what happened, and she may have seen the many texts I've been sending her, I have no idea what her response to this whole thing is.
Bottom line is that what I'm feeling right now is literally the worst feeling I think I'm capable of feeling. I feel destroyed. I'd rather be angry or sad or something but nope I'm just fucking devastated.
EuphemismTreadmill: Holy crap, I'm sorry man, I can't even imagine. HOWEVER even if things don't go back to normal between you and her family, you gotta know that this kinda shit happens to people all the time. Seriously! (How else would this sub exist?) So hang in there mate. You will actually look back on this one day and laugh your ass off.
JazzyDoes: I don't telling him to "hang in there" is the best advice... If you know what I mean.
EuphemismTreadmill: I feel bad for the guy, but then read they are both over 20 and parents are worried they are offending god. Welcome to the middle ages!
Mobiasstriptease: Over 20 is middle aged, now? Well call me Methuselah.
JStrach: middle ages not middle aged
he's referring to them offending god and that being a middle ages belief
Mobiasstriptease: Ah, thanks. Guess that makes more sense.
| 7 | 87.428571 | |
1409510604 | 1409524003 | t3_2f3obr | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by jerking off and sharting myself.
So today, I was jerking off with headphones on so I couldn't hear anything, and my sister knocked on the door saying, “Hey I heard some moaning noises in here so I wanted to make sure you were okay” and she screamed when she saw me playing knuckleball with my meat weasel. It was too late and I came, and she screamed for my mom and dad. My mom and dad ran up the stairs and my sister slipped in my dick yogurt and my parents sharted their pants when they saw my sister slipping and sliding in a puddle of my one-eyed-monster mayo. I sharted my pants and fell down, butt-naked, onto the floor, exposing my pink starfish and balls to my parents like goatse on a bender. As I fell, I accidentally hit the skype button on my computer, and it called my grandparents at their retirement home. Unfortunately my grandparents answered while eating in the retirement home cafeteria, and everyone saw me covered in my own baby batter and shart pudding, and the entire retirement home sharted their pants. I was so embarrassed I sharted my pants again, and my sister sharted her pants. At this point the police came knocking because they heard my sister scream, and when I ran to the front door to close it, the police tackled me and sharted their pants when they realized I sharted my pants. At the same time, I accidentally sent a text to my cousin instead of my girlfriend saying I wanted to fuck her, and she responded with a nude picture. I got arrested for resisting arrest, covered in shart slime and naked, and when they put me in the jail cells with shart goo in my pants, I accidentally flashed my cucumber and melons to a cell mate who beat me up and then sharted his pants right before sharting his pants again. I thought you guys would like this story even though it's not typical stuff that gets upvoted to the front page every single day here.
WPBDoc: "This happened" --- NEVER.
Maxed2k0: This is probably fake but I laughed really hard :p
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409512550 | 1409518384 | t3_2f3ri1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by speeding up the death of my Best Friend
SA45678: One of my favorite games. Loved seeing it in a tifu spelled out from her point of view.
sfitznott: What game is it?
SA45678: The Walking Dead episode 1
sfitznott: So it is. Thanks.
TWDCLEM: ;)
sfitznott: Your post was removed a while ago anyway :P, I was just curious if it was from the game.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1409514241 | 1409584601 | t3_2f3u7n | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a girl what cuts on her arms were from
This happened yesterday at a bar and after I asked there was an awkward silence. Then her friend said "Isn't that from the pizza oven at your job" to which she replied "Oh yeah". I didn't think anything of it but said something along the lines of "What are there knives in your pizza oven? hahaha" and there was a little laugh by everyone and the conversation went on to something else.
I'm only realizing today, now that I'm sober, what a fucking idiot I am.
NTWolf1220: Strangely, the pizza oven at my old job had some VERY sharp blades in the bottom. I had a couple days where people asked if I needed to talk about something when in reality I kinda just smoked a bit too much before work.
thedarksalmon: Honestly, all smoking before/during work (on a slow day) got me was a dent in my paycheck before I've even received it.
Worked at a local Pub as a dishwasher. Needless to say, getting lit on the job directly corresponded with spending about $20 every time I wanted to make a 20" 3 topping pizza.
NTWolf1220: Haha I always worked as a cook. Free food!
thedarksalmon: The Pub I was at charged everyone for food, but it was all half off.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1409513171 | 1409589794 | t3_2f3sii | t5_2to41 | 754 | skullyD: TIFU by trying to shave with a 4 month old kitten nearby
My girlfriend and I adopted a little kitten about 2 1/2 months ago, his name is Simba and he is a little shitbag sometimes. He is a cute little devil demon who is willing to draw blood at any given time.
Fast forward this bitch to today.
Fresh out of the shower, I notice my neck-beard is on it's A-game today. It's itchy as all hell, and that fucker needs to be shaved.
Now for some reason, Simba likes to hop in the shower when I get out and sit there and give me his death stare. He never has done anything to me before when I get out of the shower so I didn't take much notice of him.
I throw on some shaving cream and begin the oh so delicate process of neck shaving. I nicked myself a little bit and jerk up in a startling pain, this causes my towel to drop down around my ankles.
No big deal, I'll just shave while naked and let my little yogurt-slinger get some air in the process. **FUCKING TERRIBLE IDEA**.
Simba now sees his prey, my dangler is just sitting there hanging about my genital area, waiting to be clawed and bitten. His eyes get dilated when he's about to make his pounce and attack.
I see this fucker get into his pre-pounce [butt wiggle stance](http://imgur.com/gallery/fHfqL2i) as he stares my penis down. Before I even had the chance to make a move, I was too late.
His lunge was fierce and mighty, like a lion. His paws clenched onto my left testicle like he was hanging on for his damn life. He clawed his way down my coin purse and blood was indeed drawn. He has defeated me.
I ^yelp like a little bitch and just hold my wounded warrior with my hands and I just lie on the bathroom floor staring at the blank wall to continue my suffering. I..... I can't breath. My life lost it's meaning.
I managed to crawl and find some gauze as I die slowly. I still love my dear little Simba, but Satan himself has possessed his soul and I must now watch my back (and my balls) from here on.
**TL;DR**: Satan kitty draws blood from my genitals cause he thinks it's fun.
Aedonix: TOTALLY misread the title and thought it was gonna be a story about him shaving his cat.
Ineedlather: Me too. I was really wondering why you'd try to shave a kitten.
HarryWells: I thought that because he called it simba, he'd try and make it look like a lion like dan bilzerian's cat.
| 4 | 188.5 | |
1409516643 | 1409524700 | t3_2f3y2v | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By making my art teacher think I'm masterminding her death
This wasn't today, but the rules say it doesn't have to be so yeah...
This was several years ago. Just a bunch of weird coincidences led to the situation. Plus I didn't really get into trouble/there wasn't a climaxed explosion at the end.
So one day when I'm around 15 some kids (my bullies) are chasing my up the stairs, I run to the very top and through the art department door and they kinda gave up way before etc. I sighed relief and looked around quickly before seeing some students in one of the classrooms, one of my distant friends was in there "oh xxx, are you here for the art class as well". I just thought, 'ah this is pretty smooth, and cool' "yeah, I am".
The art teacher and I didn't really talk much or anything, absolutely nothing except she was supervising the classroom as we drew.
I kept going there every week for the next couple weeks.
A week or two after I stopped going to the club, I'm walking through a giant park (not rides and stuff just greenery) on my way to school as I like the view. The art teacher is walking in through the park about a hundred yards, I'm walking facing her direction and she hears me I guess and looks around and sees me. She continued walking. I was surprised to be seeing her and I'm sure she was as well so we didn't like wave at each other. Now she probably thinks I found out where she lives, hid out until she left for work and decided to follow her daily routine.
Then a few days later it's the end of school, for some reason I was going home late and as I walked through the halls I get a really shocking text from my girlfriend and move towards the wall and stop. Guess who passes me? My art teacher, she did look over quickly to make sure I wasn't going to butt rape her or something.
That's all. Like I said, there is no climatic explosion but I'm pretty sure at some point I made an art teacher at my school think I'm sophisticatedly over a period of months planning to kill her....
A few coincidences people might be poking holes into, but I really don't care, it's pretty lame compared to some other TIFUs, you can believe it or not.
cI0wnBABY: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_fable
autowikibot: #####&#009;
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[**Personal fable**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal%20fable): [](#sfw)
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>
>The __personal fable__ is a cognitive distortion in which adolescents believe that they are the focus of everyone else's attention and concern. It is found during the [formal operational stage](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formal_operational_stage) in neo-Piagetian theory, along with the [imaginary audience](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary_audience). Feelings of invulnerability are also common. The term "personal fable" was first coined by the psychologist [David Elkind](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Elkind) in his 1967 work *Egocentrism in Adolescence*.
>Feelings of uniqueness may stem from fascination with one's own thoughts to the point where an adolescent believes that his or her thoughts or experiences are completely novel and unique when compared to the thoughts or experiences of others. This belief stems from the adolescent's inability to differentiate between the concern(s) of his or her thoughts from the thoughts of others, while simultaneously over-differentiating his or her feelings. Thus, an adolescent is likely to think that everyone else (the [imaginary audience](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary_audience)) is just as concerned with him as he himself is; while at the same time, this adolescent might believe that he is the only person who can possibly experience whatever feelings he might be experiencing at that particular time and that these experiences are unique to him. According to David Elkind (1967), an adolescent's intense focus on himself or herself as the center of attention is what ultimately gives rise to the belief that one is completely unique, and in turn, this may give rise to feelings of invulnerability. Ultimately, the two marked characteristics of personal fable are feelings of uniqueness and invulnerability. Or as David Elkind states, "this complex of beliefs in the uniqueness of (the adolescent's) feelings and of his immortality might be called a "personal fable", a story which he tells himself and which is not true."
>
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^Interesting: [^Imaginary ^audience](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary_audience) ^| [^Egocentrism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egocentrism) ^| [^David ^Elkind](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Elkind) ^| [^Adolescent ^Egocentrism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolescent_Egocentrism)
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| 3 | 2 | |
1409519700 | 1409539326 | t3_2f432m | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to my ex's sister
So, this is my first time posting on reddit. Been lurking TIFU for quite sometime. Not quite sure if its a fuck up, but first, let me explain. I dated this girl for two years, we broke up, and now its a year later and she's got herself a new man and everything is chill for the most part. That is, until her sister Hit me up out of the blue and we've been texting and last night she had made a confession to me. She revealed feelings for me that I was completely unaware of. I always thought she was cool and we always got along more than me and my ex ever did. But, I don't know what step to take. I don't know whether to just say fuck it and continue talking to her or if I should back out. I really like her, but I don't want to cause tension in the family. Their family already loves me with the exception of her dad. Her mom always says she misses me. I guess I need some advice so I don't fuck up. Am I wrong for having feelings for her sister? Should I act upon them?
smashedism: How long were you and your ex together?
okayfinealex: Shy of two years, but has now been over a year since we dated.
smashedism: I say go for it!
okayfinealex: Doesn't that break some sort of sister code? I just don't want there to be drama. Don't get me wrong, I don't care what my ex thinks, but, I do care about what the rest of their family thinks. Jokingly when we were still dating I asked if I dated her younger sister later in life if things didn't work out, how would you react? And she answered very seriously saying, "well if you have feelings for someone, how can I stop you?" I was shocked at the answer. IT WAS A JOKE AT THE TIME, THOUGH.
katie99999: Don't date her sister, no matter what she said back then it will just end badly
okayfinealex: Why do you say so? I'm not saying you're wrong, I just want to get as much advice as possible because I don't know if I can make this decision alone.
katie99999: Because I have had it done to me by one of my really close friends and my ex, it screwed up our friendship. Plus the relationship ended with everyone not very happy.
| 8 | 2.625 | |
1409520352 | 1409552056 | t3_2f445v | t5_2to41 | 10 | Imbicilious: TIFU by searching for leaked nudes on 4CHAN
TheSaurfangDogma: Oh please, I've been on /b/ for yearsss, its not that bad.
Also, DUDE RULES 1 AND 2 WTF.
Sataris: This... I'm not trying to be edgy but nothing on /b/ is that terrible.
273748490102838374: I used to be on 4chan and damn I used to see fetus pictures, penis pictures and traps daily, I'm glad I matured out of that phase where I thought it was funny
TheSaurfangDogma: Its worth filtering through the shit when you come across a thread of pure gold, like this time we doxed an op who thought it was funny that he raped his friends girlfriend and so we had his ass kicked then had the pictures posted in the thread.
273748490102838374: Honestly I could care less and I'd rather be outside than on 4chan
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1409426045 | 1409612114 | t3_2f0y9v | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By forgetting what to call handy-capped parking spots.
So Today me and my mom decided to go out for lunch. Her favorite restaurant is generally really crowded during lunch hour. I saw how full the parking lot was, and how empty the handy-cap parking was. I then exclaimed "wow, thats a lot of old people parking." I then parked the car and turned to undo my seat belt. My mother is giving me the ultimate death stare. You know the one that your mom or dad gave you as a kid. The "you fucked up real bad" stare. I sit there for a moment, and didn't know what to say. Eventually i said, "sorry i wasn't thinking." We then got out of the car to have one of the most awkward lunches i've ever had with my mother.
TL;DR I called handy-capped "old people parking" and my mom gave me "the stare."
lickastick: *handicap
And "old people parking" isn't that offensive haha
ianheronow: moms still mad at me. she wont talk to me either.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409523393 | 1409547712 | t3_2f48za | t5_2to41 | 1,028 | Put-Vodka-On-MyLiver: TIFU by agreeing to watch my overweight boss get a blowjob from the male intern.
imhereforthevotes: C'mon, you know it drips down after. He might not have been crapping.
anonagent: Uh, what? do you have a micropenis?
imhereforthevotes: Um, what? You've never gotten a sloppy blowjob?
anonagent: Uh, what? your penis doesn't go past the toilet seat?
imhereforthevotes: Do you even know how a BJ works? WTF are you talking about?
anonagent: You're the one suggesting he blew his fucking load in the damn toilet dude.
imhereforthevotes: No, I wasn't. You're an idiot.
| 8 | 128.5 | |
1409529650 | 1409627163 | t3_2f47bz | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: She's not going to kill herself. She's just being an attention-seeking bitch.
Edit: Don't downvote the guy, sheesh.
SpectacularVernacula: But... bonus if she does go through with it. Seems like a win win from a cynical bastard like me's point of view.
[deleted]: God, that's a morbid thought x)
Dinosoarman: > XC
Ftfy
[deleted]: Nah, I'm sadistic like that ;o
| 5 | 3 | |
1411954244 | 1411975857 | t3_2hqybr | t5_2to41 | 8,935 | sloanesteel: TIFU by trying to wax my own vagina
In an effort to be sexy and save money I decided to wax my own vagina. I researched it online and watched videos and I've had them done professionally since I was 15. I figured if my Puerto Rican high school dropout bikini waxer can do it, then so can I. I took a Xanax and applied the wax and ripped. Easy peasy! It didn't hurt and the hair was actually coming out. As I was applying wax to the innermost sensitive area of the vagina my husband came in the room. I was half kneeling half planking over my makeup mirror in a sports bra and nothing else while applying the wax with a tongue depresser. When he came in I screamed "DONT LOOK AT ME!!!!!" And tried to do a barrel roll behind my makeup vanity so he couldn't see me. As I did this the tongue depresser lodged itself in between my downtown lips and the wax stuck to both sides of the tongue depresser, which was now lodged firmly into place. If you don't know anything about bikini wax it dries very quickly. I tried to open my legs but the tongue depresser was stuck to both lips and there was nothing I could do. So I figured my best bet was to breathe deeply and rip it as fast as I could. I am currently writing this in the lobby of Urgent Care while wearing an adult diaper because I ripped a two inch section of flesh off of my vagina and am bleeding rather profusely. So please, men and ladies, if you're going to get waxed find your nearest Puerto Rican high school dropout and let them rip your hair off for you.
Edit: guys and girls thanks so much for the gold. It means a lot to me. I've now been gilded for a) appearing in a Glory Hole while resembling Deb from Dexter and b) for maiming my vagina. I love you all, I'm going to go home and sit gently on a bag of ice. I'll be back tomorrow to answer your questions and apologize to the people of Puerto Rico.
Second edit: So sorry for offending anyone from Puerto Rico, I was just stating the fact that my waxer has told me multiple times that she is a Puerto Rican high school drop out. Also, I live in Miami, it's very common to get bikini waxes starting in high school. I would not get a Brazilian wax (please don't get offended that I wrote Brazilian), just a simple bikini line wax where you leave your panties on, so I wasn't spread eagle in front of a random stranger. And as stated previously, I went to a reputable salon, not some van with tinted windows and a sign that said "free waxes for young teen girls!" To answer the question "why did you freak out if your husband saw you?" If you've never seen someone wax themselves it looks like a gorilla crime scene. There are sticky strips covered with hair and tiny specks of blood on the towel you sit upon while sweating and yanking large patches of fur off your choocha. It's just not cute. It has nothing to do with my husband, I just want to feel sexy and that's not a sexy time for anyone to see. It's uncomfortable, awkward and tear filled. I mean I guess that turns a lot of people on, but I prefer to surprise my husband with a nice, trimmed clam friend to eat rather than let him see the de-bearding process.
Third edit: if you guys liked this I have some more horrifying stories that I can share with you. None of which involve any ethnicities or races!
ImAllOutOfBubblegum7: I have a dick and that made me hurt. Hope all goes well for you!
sloanesteel: It wasn't as bad as the time I took a power drill and accidentally drove it through my entire thumbnail. Hurt much less than that. I'm sure it'll be fine.
comaman: Im a guy and I too have drilled my thumbnail...still think your story would hurt more.
sloanesteel: Oh man I'm sorry to hear that. Did you have to wear an awkward giant thumbs up cast like I had? That was fun.
comaman: Nah I didnt go to a doctor or anything just wrapped it up for a while....wait you have that tifu story and you save sorry to me....you must be Canadian or a really nice person...
sloanesteel: I'm not Canadian. I'm just a caring person. And on Xanax.
comaman: Well then your a good person best wishes healing up.
sloanesteel: Wait are you saying I'm a good person because I'm not Canadian?!
comaman: No.....
sloanesteel: I'm just kidding! But we all know Canadians are weird. Paging /u/notyourmothersdildo
ImAllOutOfBubblegum7: can confirm. Am Canadian. Sorry that we're weird.
sloanesteel: No you guys are all just a bunch of loonies
tarvoplays: Is that all I'm worth to you? 1 dollar??
Extra_butter: 90 cents and going down.
| 15 | 595.666667 | |
1409525980 | 1409536187 | t3_2f4d1l | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking my younger brother's piss
I have two younger brothers Joe and Tim, both have just recently taken control of the bladder-mobile and are now enjoying the luxury of pissing independently. Joe and Tim also share a room together located right next to the washroom, in spite of their recent promotions. We have a babysitter who cares for Joe and Tim while our parents are at work and I am at school.
On this specific day after school I come home like I regularly do, greet our babysitter, grab a snack, and then go to watch my two younger brothers. I walk into their room and see can of ginger ale innocently sitting on a desk and mindlessly reach to grab it.
My first hint should've been that the can was abnormally warm.
My second hint should've been the peculiar anticipation build in my brothers eyes as the can neared closer and closer to my lips.
Then, between two inviting lips fled in not the expected ginger ale, but a freshly brewed batch of boy piss. Immediately I ejected the sour secretion into the air and without thinking dropped the can to wipe the shame form my lips, spewing the remainder all over the carpet.
So there I am with literally the taste of piss in my mouth, two snickering little shits, and puddle of piss on the carpet that yours truly will have to clean. Who pisses in a can of ginger ale?
cuntflapper1: did you enjoy ingesting his essence?
buttersprings: Yeah I truly feel closer to him now
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411964103 | 1411974581 | t3_2hrdy3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | ShamedSurgery: TIFU by cutting off my penis and sewing it to my nose so I could be "Elephant Dude" as a prank.
_VisualEffects: Let the downvoting begin!
ShamedSurgery: Why?
_VisualEffects: Because we are all sick of people just posting fictional stories to TIFU.
ShamedSurgery: You've posted on my topic like 4 times, and identify yourself as "we all". I don't think people agree with you. You should consider simmering down, and not assuming your personal opinion is shared by others. You take reddit very seriously, which is fucked up. It's also fucked up that you think it is acceptable to call people liars without evidence. Why not simmer down and stop freaking like a bitch on meth? You don't speak for anyone else. Speak for yourself and stop with the "we", it's pathetic, weird, and deranged.
Khiash: I see tons of people saying either "pics" or just flat out calling bullshit. I think there are way more people disbelieving you than siding with you, here.
ShamedSurgery: Yet you are more deranged than anyone. Weird.
Khiash: (I'll give you benefit of the doubt and assume you thought I was the other guy)
Sorry if I find it difficult to believe that someone who made up a story about cutting off their junk, claims that "everyone else" is deranged.
_VisualEffects: The post has been blacklisted. No one can find it anymore.
Thank the mods for stepping up when they said they were going to be cracking down on troll posts.
Khiash: Good riddance.
| 10 | 1 | |
1411943889 | 1412003874 | t3_2hqhsd | t5_2to41 | 19 | sir_bronod: TIFU by getting caught in the bedroom by my dad.
My family is pretty conservative and religious. Me and my girlfriend just came home to help my younger brother get ready for his homecoming date. When we arrived, I got a text from my mom saying that they were shopping and that they would be home in about an hour. So, we were alone right?
We go downstairs to the living room (which also is right next to my bedroom) I go into my bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes. But but girlfriend followed my and laid on my bed. I was instantly seduced. She said that we probably shouldn't because the family could come home at any moment, but I insisted that they would be at least an hour, which is more than enough time for a quickie.
We get naked and start the love-making. About 2 minutes into it, my door opens and it is my dad. My white ass froze as I was coming back from a thrust. I just turned my head in shock. Silence for 6 seconds (which in the moment felt like a full minute). I said to him "probably better shut the door." to which he replied "Yeah, good idea.".
We didn't know what to do. We had been dating for just over 2 months so the family isn't used to anything yet. After about 2 minutes of idea exchanging and predicting, we get a "It's time to go!" from pops.
The walk of shame then pursued. We opened the bedroom door, she got the rest of her stuff, I looked at her, held her hand and went up the stairs where my dad was sitting on the couch staring at us (in a rather dominant way I might add). I opened the door for her, told her to wait for me (we planned on meeting at a McD's after shit goes down), and shut the door.
Him and I had quite the talk. Scariest moment of my life.
I am just glad she waited for me. My biggest fear was her not being there.
TL;DR: Thought that family was out shopping. Dad was still at the house. My white ass got caught having sex. Walk of shame.
AwfulAnswersAnon: So.....what did your dad say. Not much of a story without that, cmon op don't hold out on us.
sir_bronod: Sorry, first time posting and still pretty shaken up. He is a pretty calm person. But he went into how it was no coincidence that he was there (the whole time), which I am starting to believe. He tends to catch me doing anything around the house.
He vamped on spirituality and how dumb it is to have sex before marriage. He thought it was super disrespectful how I disobeyed the anti-sex rules (which, in a sense, were never explicitly stated).
He said if I were serious about this girl, then he would still allow her to come over, but not without apology. That is not going to be a fun conversation...
AwfulAnswersAnon: "He tends to catch me doing anything"
Can confirm, am a dad, we set traps.
Anti-sex rules are pretty common sense even if not explicitly stated, can't blame ya to much I'd have tried to get away with it too. Your dad most likely has a similar story as yours I'd bet.
And finally the fact that he will still allow her over with a simple apology is amazingly level headed. So go apologize for disrespecting his rules in his house (sounds harsh but its true, try phrasing it like this he may be like that you realize what the actual issue is) and then thank him for his even handedness, seems to me you've got a good dad there.
Sweet_peaches_69: What are some traps that usually work? I wanna take notes so this doesnt happen to me.
AwfulAnswersAnon: Sorry that would be breaking the dad code.
Sweet_peaches_69: I need the answer... for.. uh ya'know science stuff
lord_sherlock_holmes: Now see...as a dad, we can see right through this little "science stuff"...so nice try
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1411882912 | 1411929729 | t3_2hobpu | t5_2to41 | 156 | Anime741991: Yes my dog is basically my child. All my animals are family members
Sivalion: idk whats with the downvotes but I feel the same way..
Anime741991: Yeah Im getting down voted for my dog theoretically calling me dad. She was the runt when I got her and I had to get her early because she wasn't getting fed due to others pushing her away. I hand bottle fed her til she was of age. She is my child just as much as my 3 year old. If we go on vacation she goes. She is a part of my family. Im assuming by the down votes either that offends people or they are jealous
leshoure: No one's offended, no one's jealous that you have a pet.
It's just weird. Kinda sad.
Anime741991: How is the troll life? Looking at your profile this is the only thing you have commented on that hasn't been deleted. You have negative comment karma
samnya745: Woah
How can anybody use this site for over a year and have negative karma
Coulda at least joined in a circle jerk or two
RedditIsForJerks: That's what they told me in college and look at me now
MasterBassion: Jerk
| 8 | 19.5 | |
1411940312 | 1411965176 | t3_2hqc3f | t5_2to41 | 814 | edwardsBL: TIFU by eating a ghost pepper chili
First of all, some background of the pepper. It is known as the Bhut Jolokia, it is grown in India and is known as hottest pepper in the world. People rank how hot things are on the scoville scale(AKA The how badly does your anus blaze afterwards scale) A Jalapeno is around 5000 and pepper spray is 2,000,000+. The ghost chili comes in just over 1 million!
So my cousin buys these things and I am secretly thinking 'Awesome, I can tick that off my list! They cant be too bad right?' It was too bad.
I go over to my cousins house, lets call him 'T', and T has these bloody peppers floating in some water. I dont question it and I am not very talkative as I want to get this out of the way. We pick up the peppers and lock eyes about to eat them - T stops and says he has an 'idea'. His idea was to get his whole family in the room too (2 women, a man, 3 small children) and to record the ordeal. His sister holds her phone up and gives us the thumbs up (She was recording vertically which pissed me off) Me and T lock eyes for the second time, arguably less sexually this time, he motions 3 - 2 - 1 on his fingers. He immediately starts to masticate his pepper, I pause, sigh at the camera and go for it.
Nothing. Its just as if I have eaten a peculiar textured vegetable. I swallow and still don't feel a thing. At this moment it flashed through my head 'Maybe I have some super natural abil -FUCK FUCK FUCK' The heat hit me, its like the devil flicked some pain switch inside my jaws. I looked up to T and he seemed to be in a similar situation on excruciating pain. The next ten seconds consisted of us looking at the floor, to each other and to the camera in pure disbelief we had some what we had just done. T had a another idea and I think this was a good one, we should drink milk! So out come the fucking massive (I don't know how much those big milk cartons hold) and we start swigging. This gives you a short period of relief and then your mouth returns to a oven like conditions. After a few minutes of drinking this this milk trying to hold down the heat from hell, my stomach didn't like this volume of milk. Drinking this much milk was almost a challenge in itself. I ran for the back garden and so did T and the vertically recording camera women.
I vomited. I puked straight into the little kids sand-box-hole-pit-thing. This splurge of liquid from my inner depths was like your ordinary throw up plus breathing fire as you are dispelling spicy-infused milk. My tongue, throat, lips and insides are very painful and burning. I would have been better off gargling lighter fluid and lighting it. By now I also realise what a state I have got my self into. I am on my hands and knees, panting like a dog, over a mixture of sand and spicy milk, tears streaming from my eyes and snot oozing from my nose(which was also spicy) I am practically crying from the pain I am in and I ask T how he is doing, he replies with laughter, not your average 'ha ha' no, he was like 'HAHAHAH - heheh - HAHAHA' It was quite disturbing because i didn't know if he was laughing at me or as a coping mechanism for molten flesh his tongue must be. To cut a long part of the story shorter, I lay in that garden for about 20 mins until I stopped breathing fire. After the initial pain wave I asked T how he felt?
He said 'I feel fine, wanna do it again?' Meanwhile over in my poor body the pain had transferred to a churning magma chamber in my stomach. Also to add insult to injury T's sister wasn't even recording. Secretly I was happy that she wasn't as I wasn't too attractive in that video.
I head back over to my house and say farewell to T and the household. Now my focus had shifted to keeping this churning magma chamber known as my stomach from converting to lava flows in the form of vomit. I failed, twice. Each time I expelled my insides into the toilet it felt like molten lava burning my throat. But after this I felt Ok and though I would be able to sleep it off.
I was not able to sleep it off. I woke up to many uncomfortable bowel movements at about 5 in the morning, which is very early for me. My sleep deprived train of thought was that I needed to squeeze out this behemoth fire shit before or school or otherwise I would be ridiculed for being the 'school shitter' I popped on down to my loo and contracted every bowel-related muscle I have to try and rid my self of this fire-shit. Similarly to when It first went in, when it first came out I did not feel a thing and actually smiled. My smile quickly turned upside down when I got 'ring of fire' My body reacted. I started sweating. My legs were twitching. I couldn't think straight. Imagine the heat of 1000 suns were concentrated into the ring piece of my anus. There seemed to be an unlimited supply of poop within my rectum and I think I have a six-pack from the constant contraction they were performing. I had finished and was in a state: I was dripping in sweat, I couldn't walk straight and I needed to wipe my ass. With every wipe I spread the molten lava shit to more places in and on my anus. My ass was raw with the amount of wiping, my eyes were watering by this point. I left the bathroom to get a towel to dry myself after a shower and I was in a rush.
My mother saw me. Normally I would see her every morning but this scenario made the situation very different. I was sweating and in a rush to grab a towel, this was right after I had spent about an hour in the toilet. The pure heat of my anus caused leg twitching and when your bathroom has creaky floorboards, this is not a good combination with me being a teenage lad. I gave my mom a look and she looked at me in disappointment.
I had a shower and my routine was practically exactly the same just with a slight burning sensation in my asshole. The day was normal until half way through Mathematics, the lesson just before lunch, at school.
I was drawing equations onto a graph or something whilst chatting with some girls and suddenly it hit me. I didn't feel good. All I knew was I needed to poo. Now.
My hand shot up and my teacher, we will call her Mrs G, walks over extremely slowly and asked what I need.
'I need to use the toilet, miss'
'How old are you?'
'Urmm, -AGE-'
'YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO HOLD IT IN FOR [looks at watch] 20 MINUTES UNTIL LUNCH'
[The whole class is looking at us]
'I really, really need to go'
'Ok, if you are too long you are coming back for a detention then'
'YES, THANKS MISS, I will be fast!'
I storm off to the toilet with one intention in mind, to evacuate this fire turd from my bowels. (There are 2 toilets in the school within a reasonable distance of this classroom and one has a piss covered floor, no locks and the toilets are blocked normally, the other one has none of these previous qualities) I obviously went to the toilet that was clearly the better choice. Once I got into sight of it I slightly relaxed my rectal muscles because I knew a rectal evacuation was imminent. The door was locked. I had to trek all the way to the shitty toilet, literally. Since, it was during lessons no one was in there but the time pressure put pressure on me. I squeezed and squeezed but nothing came out, the shit seemed to reverse back into. I even grabbed a roll of paper in anticipation of a wipe, that paper fell shitless into the toilet as I frowned. All this previous seismic activity had led me to failure, I left that toilet feeling defeated and entered the classroom feeling the same feeling I did when I left.
The remainder of that lesson was spent in agony. At one point Mrs G asked me 'feeling better?' in a very sarcastic tone and I had to put on a brave face and say 'Yeah!' whilst smiling.
I left the classroom and it was lunch time. I know from my knowledge that the nice toilet was locked and the other toilet has a mosh of people in there at the start of lunch: 'Hard' kids vaping vaping those vapey vape-pen things, first year kids playing games on their phone, the weird kids discussing whatever they discuss, people in there abusing their mates as they use the toilet and people using the toilets normally. People at my school seem to think the height of hilarity to kick people while using the urinals, pour water on their heads, open their bags and pull their arms. Imagine the abuse you would get going in the cubicle. It was my goal to shit without abuse.
I knew the first 10 mins and last 10 mins of lunch were too dangerous too go in as there will be post 4th lesson pissers and shitters and at the end the kids who rush in to the toilet after being on the field (our social area) This leaves me a 15 window to poop in. To start with I sat on the field and just pretended not to have a magma chamber ready to explode inside me. If I even gave off a hint of needing a shit, one of my 'mates' would follow me to the toilet and make like life hell. After 10 mins on the field I got up and said I needed to do homework in the library and I would come back in a bit. That was bullshit and none of my mates would want to follow me to do work. However one bloody outcast of out group followed me. I was walking towards the library and needed an excuse to get rid of this child as my rectum has taken 10 minutes of unwanted pressure. This kid is one of those kids that their mothers says 'has big bones' and that 'its in their genetics' This tub of lard couldn't resist a chocolate muffin. I said 'hey, im peckish, go grab 2 muffins for us two? [gave him a pound] See you in the library?'
He immediately agreed.
I had shaken my pursuer and that probably gave me a good 20 minutes until he found me.
I found a nice little seat near the toilet and monitored those that entered and left after going in there to quickly wee. There were four people in the toilet total. I was fidgeting and probably had a TPO. Two of the people left and I couldn't take it so I went in. These two kids seemed to be having a 'snowball fight' with soggy toilet rolls. I didn't care. I dodged a throw. I stormed into the cubicle.
I was here, i had done it. The door had no lock so I wedged my bag in the piss soaked floor to wedge shut the door. I squeezed and squeezed.
Plop.
Success! The shit had started! Pebble after pebble was flinging out of my anus. The heat was extreme but I dealt with it. Although every time a pebble deserted my rectum it felt like a red-hot iron rod was being rammed up my ass, it felt good because me and this chili pepper would part ways.
Plop, Plop, Plop.
Plop plop plop plop plop plop plop plop plop plop plop plop.
The speed increased. I felt like a rabbit on crack shooting droppings out its little bumhole. I felt like a machine gun shooting little red hot bullets. This was so painful yet relieving. I let out a little grunt.
This was only the beginning, using the volcano analogy, the pebbles were only the pre-eruption rocks flinging off and were relatively cool. They must have been holding in the magma, which was ready to create a lava flow out of my anus. My joy had ended. I wasn't even trying and my anus turned into a lava waterfall. My anus was blazing. The inferno that was my anus was awful. This was similar to my debut chili shit - the symptoms kicked in. Sweating, twitching, couldn't think straight. It seemed to plow out of my anus for an eternity. I didn't know if it was still lunch or the day had ended. Tears were dropping. My anus was sweltering and my whole body had converted, I was dripping in sweat. The lava stream had seemed to come to an end and I started to think how this mess would be cleaned from my poor ass. I was brainstorming ways to clean efficiently - dab, twist, lots of layers technique? The first wad of paper was going to be for my tears. I reached for the roll, which had gone in the toilet unused last time.
It wasn't there.
It clicked in my head. Those younger kids had been playing catch with my life (and anus) saving resource. I sat there stumped and needed a way to clean, what felt like, flaming liquid off of my bum hole. There was another cubicle on the other side of the toilet.
I needed to get there.
My whole ass was dripping with shit and I couldn't pull up my trousers without having skid marks everywhere. I half pulled up my underwear and trousers and put my quick thought plan into action.
I opened the door and peered around. Nobody. Perfect! I picked up my urine soaked bag and tossed it across the bathroom towards the other cubicle. This happened to be my fatal mistake because I heard a gasp behind me. Life seemed to go slow motion. I looked over my shoulder.
It was the cleaning lady. Those kids mess must have been reported on and I was in there so long, they must have sent her in. The only word I could formulate were
'erm, sorry'
'It - It - Its okay'
She was looking directly at my back, she must have saw the radioactive wasteland dripping onto the floor that was my anus. We locked eyes for a few seconds and then I hastily shuffled into the toilet and wiped my ass.
I flushed both toilets and left.
I ended up telling my friends afterwards and was hailed 'the hero who shitted in school' but I still feel bad I scarred the cleaning lady.
I regret eating that pepper.
Tl;Dr kid eats ghost chili pepper (not the hottest in the world but very hot), goes to school the next day and gets ring of fire with many unexpected consequences along the way...
THANKS FOR THE GOLD GUYS!
Aladeen_Positive: Sir you get my upvote for doing the undo-able
oh-my-gob: Whoa, dejá-vu
PM_ME_DICK_CHENEY: I feel like I've read this before.
mrbagsoftea: I fell like I've read this before.
PM_ME_DICK_CHENEY: It is unfortunate that you have fallen, my fine sir.
mrbagsoftea: Actually, it was my phone that feel.
| 7 | 116.285714 | |
1411808746 | 1411870931 | t3_2hlqp4 | t5_2to41 | 5,266 | nemmalie: TIFU by snooping through my mom's cell phone
Let it be known that when I was in seventh grade, I had no idea of what personal space was, in any form. Back then, I was always very picky about maintaining my own privacy, but had no care in the world for the people's around me. I was a nosy little pest, and I found some sick enjoyment from knowing people's secrets. This unfortunate lapse in my character resulted in one of the most scarring moments of my life.
I was watching TV in my parents bedroom when I noticed my mom's cell phone sitting on her nightstand.
I think I waited a full five minutes before the desire to snoop was a full on fiery inferno of curiosity. So, I did what any other nosy jerk would do. I shut the door, locked it for good measure, and grabbed my mom's phone with as much gleeful euphoria as an addict about to fulfill his craving.
Naturally, text messages was the place to start. I found nothing interesting there, just conversations with my aunt about summer camps for my cousins and dull exchanges with coworkers. My curiosity wasn't satiated. I had to take it one step further.
So I decided to move to my mom's photos.
It was there, between innocent family photos and our cat cuddling with the laundry, that my poor 13-year-old eyes saw an image that is still seared into my memory today.
A perfectly clear picture of my mom sucking my dad's erect penis, her eyes staring directly at the camera in a such a sultry, provocative way that I knew she had full intention of providing my dad with the time of his life.
My stomach about jumped through my throat as I frantically cancelled out of that horror and got as far away from that bedroom as I humanly could. Talking to my mom was awkward for about a week after that as all I could visualize were her fellatio-performing abilities.
Since then, I have an instinctual fear when people show me photos on their phone and instruct me to swipe to see more.
At least I learned respect, I guess.
aldtan: But how do you know it was your dad? Do you recognise his dick?
sergeantskread2: Wait, you DON'T recognize your dad's dick?
[deleted]: It's HUGE! All dad dicks are.
Lucid_Presence: But by that logic it could be anyone's dad's dick.
[deleted]: True. But he just knew he came out of THAT dad dick.
CliffordTheDragon: Oh he came out of that dick there's no doubt about that
Fracter: Clifford? what have I told you about being on the internet?
15gilem: I thought Clifford was a big red dog
Fracter: now son, things can have the same name. Its nothing to be confused about.
shitass70: Idiots, that's Clifford the big red dragon and Clifford the big red dog are not the same or even related for that matter
CliffordTheDragon: He gets me <3
| 12 | 438.833333 | |
1411899793 | 1411946157 | t3_2hos2j | t5_2to41 | 7,105 | m4nu: TIFU by telling a hooker I was gay
This is long but worth it, I promise. Like most TIFU, this didn't happen today. This happened three days ago.
So, I'm a 23 year old male, living in Phnom Penh, speak very little Khmer but learning. I'm very straight.
Having recently arrived in Phnom Penh, I still live at a hostel (though I get my apartment tomorrow!) with a bunch of other westerners on holiday, so naturally once the sun sets, the party gets started. I'm drinking with some New Zealand army guys, and couple of English girls, so drinking properly. Our hostel closes its bar around 11pm, so we decide to head out to a second bar.
More drinking and some nitrous balloons, we all take a tuk tuk out to a dance club called Pontoon. Now, this is a popular spot for locals and Westerners and more than a few of the local women are hookers. I buy an overpriced beer for $3 and head to the dance floor where we make fools of ourselves. After about twenty minutes, a Cambodian woman comes up and offers me a drink which I accept (mistake 1). I guzzle it down, we dance for a few minutes, and when the song ends I realize I need to sit down.
Barely after I sit in the chair, I'm surrounded by four Khmer bouncers. They're yelling at me in Khmer, which I do not understand, though finally one of the smaller ones starts saying in broken English "come with me, you no pay drink, why you no pay drink, you steal from us" etc. They're surrounding me, and I'm starting to get a bit belligerent. I didn't order shit, I was offered it. I only have about 1000 real on me (25 cents) so I couldn't pay for it even if I wanted too, but they start leading me toward the back of the room. Thankfully, one of the army guys notices and intervenes, pays for the drink, and the bouncers head off.
At this point I am pissed, and I have enough of a temper sober that I decide the best idea is head out of the bar and find my way back to the hostel. (mistake 2)
I head outside, and one of the bouncers says something, at which point a French guy comes up to me and gets in my face, saying something to the effect of "Who do you think you are, coming here and disrespecting these people in their own country, how dare you" etc etc. He's about four inches taller than me, but I have about twenty pounds on him and a belly full of courage so I stare back at him without missing a beat, and after a few awkward seconds he turns around muttering about arrogant yankees.
At this point, I've completely forgotten that I have no idea where Pontoon Bar is, and storm off down a random street (mistake 3) (ironically, yesterday stumbled upon Pontoon while staying at another hostel - I was only a block off an area I know very well, and had I been somewhat more sensible, I would have realized that I recognized the street I was on because a landmark just beyond the club.
After a few blocks, a guy in a tuk tuk comes up to me and asks if I want a ride home. I want to cool my head and sober up a bit, so I decline (mistake 4) but ask if Independence Monument is in the direction I'm heading in and he confirms that it is. So I head off.
Now, after about forty five minutes of walking, it's 4.30 in the morning, and I realize I have absolutely no fucking idea where I am. The city around me is also starting to get a bit grimy, with run down buildings, more than the usual amount of trash everywhere, and dead silent streets. I don't have any cash on me, but I do have my iphone, so I decide that I need to remove myself from this situation as quickly as possible. I notice a lit restaurant two blocks away and figure it hell, maybe somebody there speaks English and I can at least figure out where I am.
When I'm maybe a dozen steps from the restaurant, a woman I hadn't seen comes out of the alley near it, and starts walking up to me. She immediately grabs my crotch and begins loudly saying "massage, sex?" I decide that the best possible course of action to immediately end this is to loudly announce that sorry, I'm gay, and I'm not interested. Mistake fucking 5.
I walk into the restaurant, and a table motions to me to come to them. It's a man, about forty, and a lady boy, about 28. They start telling me in English to sit with them, and its pretty damn good English and beggars can't be choosers so I sit down. They offer me a can of beer, which I open and drink with them, and tell them about my adventure thus far. They tell me I went in the opposite direction and that I'm about ten kilometers from my hostel. Whatever, they're being very friendly, and then one of them says "you know, you don't look or sound gay at all" and suddenly it strikes me that they heard that I'm gay, and they're gay too and that I am flirting with a gay guy and a crossdresser in a random part of Phnom Penh, far away from anything I recognize.
Somehow it comes up that the older man owns a moto - and this is mistake 6 - and I come up with the brilliant idea - him. this is it. this is how I get home. put your game face on, you're gonna flirt with this guy and he's going to take you home and you will be fine. I do it. I'm friendly, laughing at his jokes, looking him in the eye, smiling, and finally I ask him - hey, can you do me a favor, I'm a bit drunk, would you be willing to take me home.
He agrees. Oh god yes. I hop on the bike and we're off.
It's fine for about two kilometers. I don't want to get left on a corner so I'm still selling this. I'm also drunk and not making great decisions. I have one hand around his waist, resting on his thigh, the other one over his shoulder, and we're going. We're still driving when he starts fondling my crotch. Whatever. i must get home. Fondle my soft dick if thats what you want. Mistake 7.
So there I am, thinking to myself, OK this is weird, but hey, I'm recognizing the streets, and look the sun is coming up and OH GOD WHAT
And that's when I have a moment of clarity and find myself, in Phnom Penh, drunk and lost at 5.30 in the morning, a romantic fuckin sunrise, on a moving motobike and this random Cambodian man's fat fucking tongue halfway down my throat going to town on my tonsils.
OK. I asked for it. This is strange but whatever, I'm nearly home, and I can go scrub my mouth, and go to bed and all will be right with the world and hey, maybe I'll even black out and forget the whole night ever happen. He seems disappointed when he drops me off and I mutter a quick thanks and scurry off to bed and that's the end of the story.
I thought.
It turns out I MADE ONE FINAL AND HUGE mistake which I do not remember making. While flirting with the guy, somehow, for some reason, I decided it would really sell the "I'm gay" thing if I gave him my cell number.
I wake up in the morning to three texts, all variations of "hey how are you, hey want some fuck, hey lets have sex" and so on. I keep receiving them over the day, and that evening he calls me twice asking me what I'm up too. I quickly mutter a sorry and block his number and I'm thinking thats the end of it.
Next day - new number, same story. I block it.
guys its been three days. They wont stop. He's still texting.
The worst part of all this though? I forgot the fucking iphone in my fucking pocket has fucking 3G and I coulda just used that fucking map
BeardsuptheWazoo: Damn, you really wanted that ride....
m4nu: Gay 4 pay
3xblah: TIL OP is a cock tease. Lol
GaynalPleasures: http://i.imgur.com/wSXxF0k.jpg
thegodofbigthings: I don't get it! Someone help.
billswitz: OP (original poster) is replaced by a bundle of sticks, which represents a derogatory [term](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faggot_(unit) for homosexuals.
Carsman6665: Really? I heard this before and they were calling OP a fascist by using the bundle of sticks. Didn't know they could be so offensive.
AltaEgoNerd: Actually, I could see it being used for both.
The "fag" definition works better as the sticks are bound in the middle.
A fascia would be a bunch of sticks tied at both ends around a thicker stick. It's a symbol used on many government buildings, etc. from the Roman republic/empire.
In the U.S.Senate, one of the symbols, I believe to the right of the Speaker Of the House, is a Roman fascia.
[deleted]: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe its actually called a "fasces".
Heep_Purple: Just looked it up. Fasces is the right way. Only the plural version of fascis means bundle of sticks. Fascis means package or freight, and fascia would mean a strip or binding of cloth. Another translation of fascia is bandage, diaper, bra or even shoelace and belt. Basically, either just a strip/binding of cloth or anything that keeps stuff together.
tl;dr /u/AltaEgoNerd told us one of the sybols in the U.S. Senate is a bra.
AltaEgoNerd: I prefer diaper.
And for getting singular versus plural incorrect in Latin, a language I have almost no knowledge of, I'd say I didn't do *too* bad :-P
Heep_Purple: You did not have singular versus plural incorrect, you used a (almost) entirely different word. The base word is the same though, just like a wrap as food and a wrapper aroud a candy bar have the same origin. The singular of fasces is fascis.
^Oh ^man ^I ^really ^love ^to ^have ^an ^useless ^subject ^to ^know ^stuff ^about...
Edit: of course none of this is any problem. I really don't care if some stranger on the internet uses the right latin words. If I seriously started caring about that, I'd be getting mental.
AltaEgoNerd: Oh. Ok. Well I might as well learn something while I'm here. And since I was the one who threw it out there...
This makes more sense as the *fascia* (plural *fascae*) in anatomy is the fibrinous wrap that separates certain layers within the body.
So the *fasces* is the symbol of authority used in the Roman republic and the singular of *fasces* is *fascis*.
TIL: Not to assume I know how to "conjugate" nouns in Latin.
| 14 | 507.5 | |
1411928355 | 1412011285 | t3_2hprix | t5_2to41 | 388 | HSBrendan: TIFU by pretending to be drunk
Like most TIFUs, this did not happen today. Unlike most TIFUs, this happened when I was in 6th grade.
A little backstory:
4 times a year, my middle school threw a sort of party for all of the students called Cougar Night, named after our mascot. It was about as lame as it gets, but everyone thought it was the coolest thing ever when we were in 6th grade. It had ping pong, inflatable slides and obstacle courses, pizza and soda, and a 'dance floor' with a DJ (who mostly played rap songs that were slightly questionable to be playing for a bunch of middle schoolers).
Anyway, I was so excited for the first Cougar Night. Determined that it was going to be the coolest thing ever, I prepared myself mentally and physically the entire day. This was my chance, I told myself. My big break. Cougar Night could finally make me popular! All I had to do was impress everyone and be the coolest kid there! I gathered all of my friends together, and decided we were going to stay with each other the entire night. We all thought Cougar Night was going to be like going to 'the club', as we had seen in so many movies and heard about from adults. We were so wrong.
Walking in the door, my squad of 6th graders and I decided to first go to the room with the inflatables and get all sweaty, because we all thought women would see how fast we raced each other through the obstacle courses and did cool flips in the bounce houses and fawn over us. Strike 1. Next we decided to go to the cafeteria and drown our sorrows in soda and pizza. We'd all seen parties in movies where a guy was chugging beer and everyone was cheering him on, so I decided to recreate this in the best way I knew how: I chugged Mountain Dew and Monster (energy drink). This is important later. People saw me doing it, but for the most part, Strike 2. Finally heading over to the dance floor, our gaggle of 6th graders was set on getting the ladies. I would stop at nothing to get my first girlfriend. And get my first girlfriend I did.
While dancing (mostly the robot, but also doing some handstands because I was in gymnastics at the time) I noticed a girl in the back of the gym doing cartwheels. Target acquired. When I got closer, I realized that this was the ugly girl at school. But since I decided to chug Mountain Dew and Monster in front of a crowd, I thought I'd better keep up the act of me being "drunk". So I pretended to stumble around for a bit, when I finally decided to yell loudly over "The Cha-Cha Slide", asking her to 'go out' with me. She agreed. Not even 10 seconds later, I realized my biggest mistake.
Her mom was chaperoning. Immediately after I asked her out, she went and told her mom. It was right there that I decided to break up with her. The ugly girl's mom watched me break up with her daughter. Strike 3, you're out. I should also mention that the ugly girl will forever be my first girlfriend. At almost the same time as this, someone tipped off my principal and told him I was acting drunk. He grabbed me by the arm and told me to come with him. We went to the office, and he performed a drug test on me. Then he put his finger in front of me and told me to follow it with my eyes. Being doped up on Mountain Dew and Monster, I couldn't do this very well. He called the police, thinking I had actually consumed alcohol. Even worse, he called my parents.
My parents and the police showed up. My parents looked pissed. The policeman called me over to him and made me do some field sobriety tests. At this point, everyone was outside watching me. Still with the mindset of looking cool, I made the worst possible decision in that moment. I failed the tests on purpose. The officer put me in handcuffs and dragged me to the squad car. It was only then that he used the Breathalyzer and realized that I wasn't actually drunk. The entire school watched as I took the walk of shame. I was released, my parents took me home, and I was grounded for a month.
**TL;DR I went to a school party, pretended to be drunk, asked the ugly girl out, got the cops called on me, and got grounded for a month.**
EDIT: I found pictures of the night this happened. Faces other than mine are blurred to protect their identities.
http://imgur.com/HOBepG9
http://imgur.com/
Thank you for the gold! You made my week for sure! Also the second picture isn't working right now, I'll reupload it when I get home.
Mako2100: Is your school outside of Toledo?
Edit: Got served.
HSBrendan: No. But I don't really feel like telling you guys where my middle school was.
Mako2100: That's incredible that there would be a second school to use "cougar" as a mascot. I just can't see that being a good idea in any way.
andrew12160: My highschool has a cougar as a mascot
soberaman: Cougar school checking in, also I'm a canada
DLLrul3rz: Yep, I'm Canadian (BC) too and know a cougar school not far from where I live.
sladeninstitute: North Carolinian checking in. My middle school mascot was the Cougar.
ShareTheSameSky: Second North Carolinian here. Elementary school's mascot was a cougar.
| 9 | 43.111111 | |
1409530427 | 1409683333 | t3_2f4jgy | t5_2to41 | 558 | Slow_WhiteGuy: TIFU by sending this to my ex
That was the day I stopped drinking liquor, it just made me too smooth..
tl;dr http://imgur.com/Qgh3oCp
edit: I am a guy and I don't have any cleavage, picture is just taken from a weird angle
CocoLeFleur: How do you have cleavage while not being overweight? I'm 300lbs and don't have that. Wtf
Slow_WhiteGuy: I don't have any cleavage dude, it just looks weird in the picture
coreyin1080p: U have clevage just own it man
Slow_WhiteGuy: Do I really need to post prove that I don't have any cleavage?
coreyin1080p: You already showed us You do indeed have clevage <3
Slow_WhiteGuy: Fuck this, I need to take another picture
coreyin1080p: Who cares man?
Slow_WhiteGuy: Reddit deserves to see the truth
Sebws: We're waiting
Slow_WhiteGuy: On my way home, will take and post one when I get there
Ninshi: Still no pic.
Slow_WhiteGuy: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2f6l0u/tifu_by_posting_a_selfie_where_i_m_seem_to_have/
| 13 | 42.923077 | |
1411947357 | 1412003021 | t3_2hqn9r | t5_2to41 | 117 | Jaricius: TIFU by flushing an airport toilet
Like a lot of the posts on this subreddit, this didn't happen yesterday, but about 6 months ago, but I finally decided to post it now.
So a while back I was travelling by myself to for a thing my teacher had nominated me for (I was and still am in high school at this time). So one of my flights goes through Chicago, and I had some time to kill. I realized I kinda needed to shit, so I went into the bathroom to go. I walk in, and its really crowded, with only one stall being open. I go into the stall, and realize the toilet is still full with murky, brown water. At this point I needed to shit pretty badly, so I decide to flush the toilet then go. Let me just say that the toilet didn't look full at all, with the water level being just slightly above normal. So I flush the toilet, and instead of going up and then back down, the water continues to rise.
I start to panic and watch in horror as the water continues to rise until it starts to overflow. Soon thereafter, I hear an angry guy in the stall next to me yell , "Who the HELL flushed the toilet?!?" At this point I'm freaking out, while the shit water is still pouring out the toilet and splashing all over the floor. I panic and turn out to leave, and on my way out, I pass a maintenance man, who gives me the evil eye. I speed walk out the bathroom and get as far away from it as possible and find my gate. Luckily no one found me.
Malak77: You wouldn't get in actual trouble for that. lol
Jaricius: Yeah but its still fricking terrifying when you're a highschooler travelling in a major airport alone lol
PrincessTacoTaco: Try traveling alone in a 3rd world country and finding out that the toilets aren't toilets at all. They are holes in the floor with no toilet paper. Just spray hoses.
Aww_Shucks: Definitely not the best way to practice squatting for the first time, especially when you're trying to keep your pants from touching the floor and flies from landing on your bare ass...
Those holes in the floor took a LOT of getting used to, to say the least
PrincessTacoTaco: Luckily I had a normal hotel toilet. But when I was working and out in the villages, holes.
Jaricius: My dad actually said that he had a similar hole-in-ground toilet situation in Italy once and he said he didn't really know what to do.
shr00msh00ter: I'm from Switzerland and can confirm that public toilets in Italy are very often just holes in the floor... When I went to the San Siro stadium (I mean comeon... !?) there were just these kind of "toilets" available... I then decided to wait until after the match, plus 4 hours of driving until I'm home...
| 8 | 14.625 | |
1411958331 | 1411976115 | t3_2hr4s8 | t5_2to41 | 250 | Mattifact: TIFU: by snooping in my 13 year old's room
And I found my wife's vibrator. They are having 'a talk' about it now.
Update:
tl;dr version - personal boundaries were violated for both parties. Everyone agrees (mother and daughter, as I was not involved in the talk) to respect privacy moving forward. There was no shaming. Now there is better dialogue about masturbation and sexuality between them.
I still feel awkward but pretend I know nothing for my kid's sake.
For clarification, it was put away and took some rather invasive snooping to find the vibrator.
Phoenixion: First things first. Is your 13 year old a boy or a girl? Because either answer has it's own repercussions.
And damn, you gotta watch those vibrators a bit more.
Mattifact: Girl
Phoenixion: Obviously. But even so, maybe you should hide your toys a bit better.
How did she even find out you had it?
whysoseriousgtr: Not exactly obvious. At 13, a boy ~~could have~~ has a whole range of new sexual ideas being flung at him, thanks to porn and peer pressure. Never know what your teen boy could try.
allofthebutts: > At 13, a boy could have a whole range of new sexual ideas being flung at him, thanks to porn and peer pressure.
Or, you know, thanks to his hormones. I started fingering my butthole at that age without anyone ever suggesting it to me. Thought I invented it.
whysoseriousgtr: Well there is that too. And it still works for my point: teenage boys can use vibrators/dildos too.
allofthebutts: Yeah, I just hate that people think that kids change when they go through to puberty because they're somehow being influenced by friends / media / whatever. No, asshole, they've just discovered their own sexuality for the first time.
| 8 | 31.25 | |
1409519011 | 1409579689 | t3_2f41yn | t5_2to41 | 12 | lancer820: TIFU: By pressing the silent alarm accidentally on purpose.
Working at my Fast food job bored as hell because we have been dead all day, which is really strange, I've been working here for about 6 months and to see something in plain sight you've never noticed is fairly interesting especially on a boring day.
Me: *Sees strange button, presses strange button* Hey (Manager call her Jane), What does that button do?
Jane: "Dont press that button its the silent alarm"
Me:*Starts panicking*
*phone rings(Some random guy) hangs up*
"Dont get mad, but i pushed the button, thats why i asked"
*Phone rings'City of (Blank)'*
Pretty damn sure if that 1st phone call lasted any longer than it did, cops would be all over the place, also ive been told they could be chard $500, and im probably gonna be fired tomorrow.
TL;DR Pressed silent alarm, almost had cops swarm and have the possibility of being fired and charged $500.
Hudston: I did this exact same thing when I worked at Staples. We weren't told what it was (I had basically no training at all) and I was bored and curious so I pushed it a couple of times. It didn't even look like a button and nothing happened so I didn't think anything of it.
30(!) minutes later, two officers nonchalantly saunter in and come over to the counter. When they mention the silent alarm I immediately realise what I had done and start to act completely ignorant. They started pushing, asking questions like "Are you sure? It was pushed several times!" so I kept playing dumb and called the manager over to handle it so that I could hide in the break room.
They eventually gave up, and I think the manager had some paperwork to fill out, but all I could think about was how long it took them to respond so casually to a silent alarm that had been pressed several times.
lancer820: Their response was about 5 minutes, though they probably slowed down once the found out it was a false alarm.
| 3 | 4 | |
1411950678 | 1411971143 | t3_2hqsk1 | t5_2to41 | 177 | AuralSplooge: TIFU by Cumming in my GF's Ear [NSFW]
OK, so about 10 minutes ago, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky, and I thought "Hey, I've never cum on your tits before." So, with that in mind, we proceeded. As I am climaxing, I take aim, and fire what turned out to be a small dog's worth of semen (i.e. the volume of a small dog, not the amount one can ejaculate). The man soup pooled deep enough that a backsplash occurred, drenching my happystick-holding hand. In my panic I re-aimed my newly christened super soaker and managed to spray a trail all the way up her face and into her right ear, where the final spurts took place. It was a very lucky(?) shot.
After I realized what had happened, I jumped off of her and tried to leave to get paper towels to slow the spreading pool, but I realized I may not make it in time, and picked up the nearby tissue box and threw it at her. I then remembered she can't move for fear of getting semen deeper into her ear and spilling more onto the bed and surrounding area. So, I quickly began ripping tissues out and throwing them in the general areas of interest, while she laughs at my attempts to cover her in Puffs Plus.
So now, I am sitting writing this down, while she jumps around trying to clear the stickiest of swimmer's ears.
Lavalamps13: Does she know about this post?
AuralSplooge: She suggested posting it.
MeesaHugeDickface: Cum in my ear for the karma!
| 4 | 44.25 | |
1411866999 | 1412135856 | t3_2hnuhw | t5_2to41 | 426 | thismynewacc: TIFU by breaking up with my girlfriend. Not sure if NSFW but [NSFW]
DISCLAIMER: If you don't feel like reading this massive text, just skip to the **PART 4**. I would suggest to read the whole thing to get the whole story, but the core parts are **PART 4** and **PART 5**. The ending might seem a bit choppy, but I just got tired by writing this long text, so I was trying to hurry up. Sorry.
**Things you need to know before I start:**
1. All the names in this story are made up cause I don't want to give anybody's identity
2. I will not provide any links, pictures, videos or any other media or information that might compromise anyone's privacy
3. I don't hate feminists, in fact I respect their work. It's these modern "feminists" that I have a problem with. Those people don't know what the feminism is and what does it stand for. Those people who don't want an equality but men to be weak submissive and easy to control.
4. Before you start calling me a troll or anything because this is a new Reddit account, I created it so I would protect my identity in every possible way.
5. From what I noticed, /r/TIFU loves a good long story, so this one will be a little bit longer
6. English is not my first language, so don't hate me for bad spelling and grammar.
So, just like many other stories, this one didn't happen today, but yesterday. I was just too tipsy and too fucked up about everything that happened to write here. I wouldn't even call it a fuck up, but some messed up shit that got me in a lot of trouble, so I thought I might share it with you. But first, you'll need some background on the story.
**PART 1: Our short history**
It was June 2012 when I met her. Some mates and I were camping at a lake a little bit out of town, barbecuing and basically celebrating passing all the college finals. There was a bit alcohol included, but not too much. Just enough to get our blood pumping. Since it was a kind of a lazy day for us, we mostly just layed in the sun, drank, ate and talked about stuff that happened lately since we didn't see each other for almost 6 months and four of us were best friends back in high school. It was a fun day.
After all the food was gone and only a few beers were left in the cooler, we decided to play some football (soccer). We took off our shirts to make the goal posts and started playing some good ol' football. After 10-15 minutes we noticed some girls (three of them) on the other side watching us play. One of my mates, Andrew, that plays football semi-professionaly started doing tricks with the ball to impress them. We thought he was a complete tool and laughed at him, but surprisingly enough they came to us and asked us if they can play with us. We had no problem with that. So after a half an hour we were all sweaty and smelly (romantic, I know), but no one cared about that. We turned into a group of seven and started talking about random things. She was sitting right beside me. At that moment the prettiest girl I've ever seen (as it always is with the girls you like). Her hair full of sand and dust was falling over her small tanned shoulder and at that moment I knew I gotta make a move. Didn't know what, though. After a while, one of the girls suggest we play truth or dare (or spin the bottle, idk). Childish, but we don't care. We shared some secrets and made fools out of ourselves. All of the sudden, the bottle neck pointed at her. Emma. She shaked her head at first, like she was woken up from a daydream or something. She seemed really shy and still not completely comfortable in our company. She almost seemed pressured to be there. That made her even more attractive in my eyes, cause I really have a thing for shy girls. After her initial reaction, my friend asks her if she'll answer a question or do a dare. She picked dare which didn't surprise me considering she didn't strike me as a person that opens up easily. He sad she has to jump in a lake. Now, keep in mind that it was a fairly cold day after a week of rain and cold weather so the water was fucking freezing and we all knew that. She said she won't do it cause it's cold and she's not a really good swimmer. I saw that as a chance to get close to her. I said I'll do it with her and won't let her drown if I can skip the next dare. They all agreed. She was a bit hesitant, but she agreed too. So we ran. She seemed nervous. I didn't care cause I was holding her hand. We jumped. The water was ice cold. I was holding her in my arms. We looked each other in the eyes before we heard our friends cheering and screaming.
We spent a few more hours together. We both felt something there in the water and we were holding hands under the table so no one notices anything. She was wearing my jacket. After a while it was time to get back home. I realized she went to pack with her friends and she took my jacket with her. So I ran towards her to get it back and as goodbye we kissed. When I came home I turned on my PC to add her on Facebook. Hesitated a bit cause I didn't want to seem to desperate when she sent a friend request to me. I accepted it. She gave me her phone number. We talked over the phone till 4 AM in the morning.
What I learned that night is that we are a perfect match or something. We both liked the same music, mostly rock, the same tv shows, the same books and we're crazy about football. We both had passion for writing and painting and we had so many things in common. I never had fun talking to someone as I did that night. Soon we had our first date. It was actually a double date cause Andrew was dating one of her friends. Unfortunately, they split up pretty soon. But not us. Our relationship was perfect. So perfect I even took her to meet my parents. Now, that might not seem like a big deal to some people, but it's a huge deal for me. I've never done that before and I promised myself I'll only bring a girl home if I think I might marry her one day. My father didn't like her. Said she seems "bitchy" so we had a little fight about that and never spoke much about her again.
After the first year of our relationship, sometime around October 2013 I realized the college will become too much and that I can't travel home as much as I used to. Luckly she went to college at the same town as me so we decided to rent a place and start living together. We never had problems with one person being messy or one person being this and that and it was close to perfection. We had our privacy and our freedom and we were just a couple of kids crazy in love.
**PART 2: The transformation**
But a few months after we started living together I noticed she's changing. I tried to talk to her about that, but she would just diss me and tell me she's ok. As much as I tried, she wouldn't open up to me. She would just ramble about some activist stuff, she would go on various meetings and she would never include me in her activities. As parranoid as I am, I thought she's cheating. So I asked her. That's when the hell started. She screamed at me, slapped me, said how can I say such thing and wondered if she was wrong about me, if I was the same kind of pig as every other man... That got me thinking. Where the hell did that come from? What has happened to my shy and calm girlfriend? Since I figured she wouldn't be that agitated if she weren't cheating (the attack is the best defence) I decided to dig through her laptop. Not one of my proudest moments, I gotta admit. Checked her Facebook - nothing. Checked her browsing history - mostly tumblr, stuff for school and some feminist boards and forums. Curious. I log in into her tumblr. The amount of men-hate was unbelievable. All the posts she liked, all the stuff she retweeted were "I need feminism because....." and other bullshit about men being disgusting. I figured, it's a phase. It will get better. But the school finished, the summer started and we were both working and didn't go home. We spent more time together, but every moment I felt she's drifting away. Like she's done with me. I felt like that in every moment, but when we had sex. It was great. Now, this might seem shallow and stupid and irrelevant to some people, but just you wait. I never connected with someone like I did with her. It wasn't just pure plessure sex. It was something much more. It's hard to find a perfect partner that you will have this connection with. That just convinced me even more I want to marry her one day, despite her being so cold sometimes. The situation got so bad that we weren't able to have a conversation about men and women without her saying how women are opressed and how we men are pure evil and whatnot. I thought it will change.
**PART 3: The preparation for the fuck up**
Things didn't get better. They got worse. And everything escelated yesterday. For a few weeks now I wasn't sure if she's the one anymore. If I love her or if it's just a habbit, being with her. But we still had some kind of fun together.
I visited Emma around 2 PM. We came home for a few weeks before the school starts again and didn't see each other every day anymore. We were at her place playing Fifa 14. I've been playing that game since '97, but I was letting her win cause I loved that little smile she always had on her face when she scored. And everything seemed so perfect. Those few days appart did us some good, it seemed. Soon we got bored of playing and we started talking about stuff. We started talking about our friends and I said how my friend was aksed to go out with a girl and refused cause he doesn't like her. I guess that was a mistake since she turned into this crazy yelling creature again and attacked me with gems like: "How can you support him when he's an asshole?" and "You should stop hanging out with him, he's a bad influence on you." and all of the sudden I felt like I'm 6 and my mom's telling me who can I hang out with. I didn't like that, I told her she has no right to tell me these stuff and that she doesn't have any right to get mad becuase my friend doesn't like a random girl. I asked her what the real problem is and why is she acting like that lately. The question to which she responded with: "Can't you see it? God, I hate men!! My only response was: "Become a lesbian then." We sat on the couch for an hour without saying a word. We made up. We turned the laptop on to see what's new online. Sam Pepper was the main topic everywhere. We started talking about him. I should've known better. Soon we got into another argument when I said that he's not the only one doing these crappy things on Youtube and that many other Youtubers should be punished the same way if he's getting punished. She understood that as me saying he didn't do anything wrong and told me that she really hoped I was a better person than this. I just turned around and left. Didn't have the strenght for another huge argument and I was probably afraid everything will be over if we keep fighting.
**PART 4: The actual fuck up**
As soon as I got home I came online to talk to someone cause I was seriously pissed. None of my friends were online, but I didn't want to talk to people I know anyway. I decided to hit an imageboard. We all know which one. I asked them if it's worth it to stay with her cause the only thing good right now is sex. Most of them said that I should break up with her. Someone even suggested me what to say. It sounded good. I called her. I told here I want to break up with her because this is not going anywhere. I feel like she's bothered by me more and more each day and that it's not making either of us happy. She cried. I asked if she's ok. She asked how can I do that to her and called me a pig. I told her that that word is being used very often lately. She started yelling, I didn't understand much except: But I love you! I said we're still breaking up because I can't take it anymore. She told me to go to hell and I replied to her by: "Okay, bye"
Now I felt pretty relieved in fact. Expected to be heart broken, but I was ok. I called my dad to tell him, he said he never liked her anyway, we laughed, went to a bar to have a few beers and talk a bit and it seemed like this will be an easy break up. Boy was I wrong.
**PART 5: The aftermath of the fuck up**
As I already said, I'm not sure if this is a fuck up or not, but it got me into a pretty messy situation. As soon as I got home, I noticed I have 20 messages on my phone all of them saying: "Call me!" or "Why won't you call me, you asshole?" or "Pick up the damned phone!!" Guess who sent them? Yeah, Emma. I called her. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing actually because that ruined my whole night and my whole day today. And it could potentially ruin my life.
*Flashback to the times when the things were good between us: Sometime around when we started living together, I had to go home for a week and she was all alone in that little appartment of ours. We missed each other and we started having phone sex or whatever that was. She asked for some nudes of me, I asked for some nudes of her, we exchanged them. I'm not a really smart guy, I know. Anyway, she asked me if I have some fantasy. Yes I do. I always had a thing for voyeur porn. I would never do something like that of course, but I just found it hot to watch. So I aksed her if she could take a shower and "hide" a cam so it seems like someone's spying on her. She did that, she sent it over Dropobx and that was it for that night. Everything went back to normal after that.*
So I call her last night to see what's up. She tells me to visit her tumblr page and some other blogs and whatnot. When I did that, I was shocked. My nudes were all over the internet with my name, address, and all the other shit that she could possibly come up with. She said it was a revenge because I disrespect women and that every man who does that should be punished. I called her straight away to tell her I will report her to the police and she said that I won't because in that case she'll claim that I spied on her while she was taking a shower without her knowing it. (That video she made for me!!) And she said we both know that the police and everyone else will rahter believe the crying innocent girl than some creepy guy. There is no proof she ever sent it to me, the phone she recored it with is long gone, and there is no way of me proving she's lying. I don't want my friends, my mom, my GRANDMA (!) to see my dong, but that's bound to happen sooner or later. I don't want a revenge, I just want all this to stop and that she gets out of my life already. I'm meeting with my lawyer on monday, but things are not looking good so far. I am studying to become a professor and this shit could prevent me from ever getting a job in any school if I don't do something soon. I never want to date again.
**TL;DR - Dated this sweet girl when she turned into a monster, leaked my nude pics as a revenge for breaking up with her and now I'm waiting for someone to find them and eventually ruin my life.**
************
**EDIT 1**: September 28 - It's been two days since all this happened and I didn't have much progress with her. Tried pretty much everything to talk some sense into her, but she's stuborn and evil as fuck. Had to tell my parents because I didn't want them to find out some other way. They were pretty much pissed at her and said she's done and she'll pay for it. My father knows a really good lawyer who said I most definitelly have a case and that her claims are complete bullshit and that she's not smart enough not to fall into one of his traps. He's 100% sure he'll find a hole in that story of hers and that she'll have no other choice than confessing she's lying and manipulating. I'm meeting with him tomorrow early in the morning so I'll have more information for you then.
As for pictures, Tumblr is still not giving a shit about me and my reports. Other sites and blogs removed it imediately, so at this moment I only have problem with Tumblr. I'll try with DMCA claim like /u/PedroDaGr8 suggested. If that doesn't work, I'm going to report them as underage photos like /u/derek_jeter suggested, I don't give a fuck.
To answer some questions and/or clear some things:
1. I'm not from US as many suggested, I'm from Europe, from a country that's a part of EU.
2. She was not violated, she just got brainwashed over time. This didn't happen over night. As I said she slowly started following some feminazi things and graduately became worse and worse until it escalated like it did. You could see their influence on her just by all the little things that started to bother her about me. She was never acting like she's too afraid of my touch or anything, she just became a huge pain in the ass
3. I could record our conversations or something, but she's not talking about it anymore. She either changes a topic or just hangs up so I guess she knows what's going on.
4. As I said in comments, the Dropbox account was shared and the files are long gone now. (Gone even from the "deleted files" folder) I don't know how long does Dropbox keep files on their servers, but if someone knows if it's possible to recover those files, let me know
5. Thanks for all the support guys. I will keep updating as the situation develops. I was afraid to post this because I didn't think people will be understanding about what happened. It is awful how much men are ignored as sex victims.
**EDIT 2:** Still September 28 - My lawyer just called me and asked me if I have the pics she sent me. I do, but I deleted everything as soon as I called her to break up. Didn't want anything hers on my PC. I haven't downloaded anything since then so it should be pretty easy to restore those pics, right? Does anyone know a good program for file restoration? Is Recuva good enough? Don't want to fuck up anything by trying some bad programs.
Anyway, he said that every pic should be labeled with a date. So if the date when pics were taken matches the date the video was recorded, she won't have anything since it will be obvious everything was consensual. Things are looking up.
Tumblr did nothing about DMCA claims (fuck that site) so I reported it as underage material. I'm going for a jog now to clear my head and I'll report again when I come back.
**EDIT 2.1** So I just came back from jogging and checked tumblr right away. The pics are removed and her account is suspended. Seems like they act pretty fast when they're dealing with these things. I took a screencaps of the page before reporting it so I have a proof it actually happened. So my pics don't exist on the Internet anymore (I know someone must have them, but at least they're not online). When I type my name into Google, they still link me to her tumblr page, but everything's gone.
Pretty sure I'll sue the crap out of her though.
[deleted]: Dude I cant even begin to imagine what you feel like right now ....
I hope you find way to fix it , either by talking some sense into her or doing it legally . This kind of shit shouldn't happen after long term relationship breakup.
Kia Kaha - Stay strong :)
thismynewacc: Thanks for the support, man. I wish I could talk some sense into her, but I've been trying to do exactly that for the past 24 hours and she jsut won't listen. I hope there's a way of prooving she's lying and that she'll be held responsible for what she did. This shit casts a shadow on all the nice moments we ever had.
[deleted]: Thats okay :)
Keep a record of your text messages with her ? could be used a proof that she did upload them to hurt your reputation and life in general ?
Yea man I know what you mean. Why ruin all the good memories you've had , such a massive betrayal of trust as well ..
I am in awe of her behavior ..
thismynewacc: Oh, she's smart. The only time she would say anything about this blackmail or whatever this is, was over the phone. And even when we talked about her recording that video for me was when we were talking on the phone. So I'm pretty much between being labeled as a sex offender or taking my chances and hoping no one I know will see the photos. I think I'll just report her ass though.
Tell me about it. There's no worse heartbreak than betrayal.
[deleted]: hmmm that's pretty clued on..
Is there any way to record the conversations??
I guess the main thing to do is to keep yourself in a good head space etc.
thismynewacc: There is, but she's changing the topic as soon as I bring it up now. I guess she thinks I'm calling her just to milk out everything. I guess all I need to do now is find a really good lawyer that will be able to get the confession out of her in court if she decides to report me for "spying" on her.
I will, however, sue the shit out of her if she doesn't back out.
RazahIsBack: I honestly hope you win a legal battle versus her and that HER life is ruined. She sounds like a fucking psychopath and I wish you all the best. I know things look grim when the legal system tends to blame the man 100% of the time if the woman uses crocodile tears but don't give up until you win, even if it requires retrials or whatever. Don't stoop to her level and do anything stupid, as tempting as that may be.
Whaaaooo: This, most feminists I know aren't psycotic like Emma.. I think Emma might've had previous negative experiences with men that provided as fuel for her hatred? Or, something else was going on.
Forenzik1: Most feminists are like this.
Whaaaooo: I dont think so.
Forenzik1: Well we both have opinions, but %100 of feminists on tumblr are like this, so even if not all of them are, atleast a good portion on them are. Also, I still dont understand what this generation of feminists are trying to do.
Whaaaooo: Well I'm happy my girlfriend on tumblr isn't like the bad feminists :)) I've tried to tell over what men go through daily as well. She understands! :o
Forenzik1: Give her time...
Whaaaooo: :O
| 15 | 28.4 | |
1411811839 | 1411820363 | t3_2hlt25 | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by making pancakes [NSFW]
It was about 3am and I was feeling a little peckish I remembered that I still had a pack of frozen blueberry waffles in the freezer. SCORE. Why was I hungry? Well that's simple my wife happened to go to bed a little early even though it was Friday, and Friday is our "will for sure frick frack day". Due to the preemptive slumber there sadly was no frick facking, so I outsourced the job to good Ol' Hands McGee. This is where things get bad; I hadn't partaken in any relieve of the phallus in like a week due to a horrible night schedule. So I went off like Mt. Saint StickyGoo, and my God was it nasty, in my frantic post eruption earthquake-like spasms I managed to wake my wife up Being embarrassed I had to pretend like I didn't just blow my child river all over the nice new bed set. We talked for the longest thirty minutes of my life while I tried to discretely clean up with the corner of the blanket. Lucky I powered through the situation and everything seemed to work out great, but I will still hungry so hello pancakes meet microwave. Once my delicious blueberry wonders where on a plate sitting in front of me I layered those mother fuckers in more syrup than you could imagine.
THIS IS WHERE I FUCKED UP. I noticed what appeared to be some ohhhhhh sooo sweet delicious CANADIAN BLESSED maple syrup and with the force of a 1000 cheap whores I sucked it off the back end of my hand then it hit me.... That wasn't a gift from the great land up north, it was the souls of a million possible heirs.
TL;DR mistook my dried seamen as pancake syrup then proceeded to lick it off.
RileyFenn: How can you confuse maple syrup for spooge?
If your cum looks like maple syrup? You need to talk to a Doc. Only you can prevent STDs
mrpielovin: Well mostly I noticed the brown syrup that got on the back end of my hand I only had the oven light on so I didn't really noticed the dried up layer of sperm next to it until post-suspicious taste and further investigation. Sorry I didn't specify.
RileyFenn: Um. OK. Do what you will. You're a Cannuck so you'll focus on what is easy.
Anyone else will be focused on the "brown spooge".
You wont waste money on a doc.... get an STD chrck.
mrpielovin: Not from Canada.
I think so too I should have detailed a bit better hopefully they will just see your post and read my reply to understand.
I have been faithfully married for 3 years so I am pretty sure I don't have an STD???
RileyFenn: I don't care if you are married or not.... you have some nasty spunk if you have spooge that can be confused with maple syup.
IDGAF about your relationship I'm just going to be mortified about the semen/syrup option.
mrpielovin: I don't think you understand what I am saying THERE WAS REAL MAPLE SYRUP ON MY HAND THAT I SAW, RIGHT NEXT TO IT WAS MY CLEAR DRIED UP MAN STUFF THAT I DIDN'T SEE IN THE DIM LIGHT.
My sperm is not anywhere near the color of maple syrup. I hope I have clarified the issue.
RileyFenn: Dude. I'm a chick and I'm avoiding waffles because of this story.....
*Sleep tight* and don't try to justify this.
mrpielovin: What does being a women have to do with anything?
RileyFenn: >I will still hungry so hello pancakes meet microwave. Once my delicious blueberry wonders where on a plate sitting in front of me I layered those mother fuckers in more syrup than you could imagine. THIS IS WHERE I FUCKED UP. I noticed what appeared to be some ohhhhhh sooo sweet delicious CANADIAN BLESSED maple syrup and with the force of a 1000 cheap whores I sucked it off the back end of my hand then it hit me.... That wasn't a gift from the great land up north, it was the v
Im.. I'll take my pancakes with out spooge....That wasn't a gift from the great land up north, it was "the souls of a million possible heirs. " probably aren't tasty and made me gag.
mrpielovin: I understand why the story would cause some disdain towards waffles but I feel as if gender has nothing to do it. Also I noticed a typo that should say "waffles" not "pancakes" thanks for helping out.
RileyFenn: pancakes... waffles..... I try distance myself and you try to say that it's a typo?
I applaud your attempt at savaging your TIFU.... YEP... OP? YOU went completely nasty. You fucked up. That was sick.
Typo or (distancing in an attempt to not destroy pancakes forever).... you mixed breakfast with spooge.
Don't make her omelets with your "pre aborted children" mixed with pre-aborted chickens in the future... M'kay? It may make scrambled eggs fluffy but it's *gag* not kosher.
mrpielovin: I don't even know where to get pre-aborted chickens let alone would I like to make omelets with them. I gather you aren't knowledgeable on eggs my dear reddit user RileyFenn.
RileyFenn: I was making an assumption based off your bf's post and his story where he thought it was helpful to add semen to the pancackes.....
It will be OK, chicken little. You can't get preggo from licking dried semen off your bf's hand and ......If your question hasn't been answered thus far in the replies? UM.... You can probably keep being a feminazi and you can hold Mr's balls in your purse. It'll be OK. Keep going as you are going and make sure you get Mr.PieLovin castrated at some point soon :)
mrpielovin: And I was wrong you truly are a troll not a very good one though :( I think I have given enough attention for now.
RileyFenn: If I was just here to troll why would I focus on someone who was trying to have an issue with dried semen? There are bigger fish to play with.
Explain it how you want (defend it how you want) at some point there was dried spooge that freaked someone out in this.
Embrace it or use it as a glaze... I don't give a crap.
If you're better now? that's all that matters, snowflake ;)
| 16 | 0 | |
1411934513 | 1412154903 | t3_2hq20c | t5_2to41 | 104 | Gr8NeSsIsEaSy: Tifu by keeping a gun from my ex military days.
So this Tifu isn't actually mine, but my friend who doesn't have reddit, but wants people to know his story.
I am using made up names and places in this to keep privacy but this isn't a throwaway account.
(I will be using first person for ease)
Context: I am a body builder and personal trainer. I met my*ex* wife as a client. I thought I loved her, and I thought what we had was special. I guess I was wrong. So, before I was a trainer, I was in the military, (British).
The Fuck up
When I left, I kept a pistol, having forgotten about it.
So many years pass and my wife knows about it, we are all good and fine. Then she cheats on me, and looks for an excuse to break up with me. She goes to the police and tells them about the gun which I've had for years,and haven't touched it. So one night the police come as and full on raids my house as if I had Fucking garage hostages. So they find out and I have to go to court and I have a high chance to go to jail. Fml.
TL:DR
Ex wife gets me sent to court in order to break up with me and get custody of our kids and all my money and possessions.
Sorry for any formatting issues, using my phone:)
UPDATE:
Court was yesterday, my buddy is a free man; has to pay a fine, do community service and if he does anything remotely illegal he will go to jail, but he's a good guy, so he can survive 6 months. Thanks for all the comments, interesting discussions on gun control and suggestions on what to do. He can see his son every weekend :)
aznjasonn: Just get a good lawyer... I have no experience with British courts, but in the US all you'd have to do is prove that you worked in the military and were required to responsibly use firearms and sidearms responsibly... You can also try to prove that the gun was never involved in this, so you'd need a witness to counter the lies she'll probably tell. Most importantly you need to prove you're a good parent to whoever is in the court--jury or judge? Maybe you could show notes that you packed for your kids, art projects that they made you... Whatever is sentimental and shows that your kids do not want you to leave their lives. Money shouldn't be an issue when you're dealing with what might be your last fight to see your kids
blinkML: severity depends on type of firearm, if it's a handgun (most likely), then he's in possesion of a prohibited weapon (section five) and is in quite deep shit.
aznjasonn: handguns are prohibited in the uk??
blinkML: Yes and no, they're legal in Northern Ireland, the Channel Islands and the Isle of Man. On the mainland they're a prohibited firearm unless you're very well connected, or you're a vet or someone that requires a handgun for the purpose of humane dispatch of animals, usually the issuing police force will insist you irreversibly modify the magazine follower to only allow a couple of rounds in there.
There's a couple of exceptions on the mainland like the obsolete calibres clause, that means I could own an old webely revolver if it's in an old chamber that isn't readily available on the shelf at my local gun shop.
aznjasonn: So is there no way for a veteran or civilian to get a non obsolete handgun
blinkML: not if you live on the mainland, and dont need one for humane dispatch, and arent very rich or well connected enough.
anyone can own a long barreled pistol on a standard firearms licence but it has to look something like [this](http://www.thedevizesgunsmith.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/P1060057.jpg) to meet the length requirements to make it legal.
| 7 | 14.857143 | |
1411924291 | 1411950395 | t3_2hpkqz | t5_2to41 | -35 | ksunontherun: TIFU: I destroyed my iPhone 6+
I was cleaning my grill in the backyard and took a step back only to realize that one step was into the pool. iPhone 6+ won't turn on and my leather wallet done.
Edit: I forgot I posted in here... But I had 3rd party insurance $200 for another iPhone 6+ and AppleCare doesn't work with water dmg thx for all your suggestions guys!
Netfear: First mistake was getting an iPhone.
Bongoo7: Oh jeez an android fan boy. Yea, sure iPhones are terrible!!!
Netfear: They sure are.
Bongoo7: Get a life and stop being a fanboy.
DatGuy15: Get a brain and stop blindly following your overpriced piece of crap.
Eat_The_Muffin: An iPhone is like a ferrari and an android is like a honda, sure a honda will do the most of the things it can do for less money, but why would you choose the honda?
ImTheBanker: My Honda is waterproof.
Eat_The_Muffin: Sure it is, submerge it in water and see how well it works
An iPhone is rain proof, but not submergible
ImTheBanker: Ip 55 and 58 waterproof rating. This means it can be under 1 meter of water for 30 minutes. Also, low power waterjets for fifteen minutes.
Eat_The_Muffin: So it can be fully under water for 30 minutes with no damage?
ImTheBanker: That's what it is rated for.
| 12 | -2.916667 | |
1411965252 | 1411997055 | t3_2hrfii | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by puking in a hot girl's lap.
This happened several years ago, but I'm new to Reddit and thought I would share this.
My very single self decided to go to a friend's party on a Friday night. A lot of beer and liqour was stashed on the kitchen counter, so I knew I was in for a good night, more than likely. In the kitchen, one of my buddies was just putting little cups of jello in the fridge. He informed me they were jello shots, and said that they tend to sneak up on you after you've probably already had too many of them. I logged that info and went about my merry way, since I had never tried them before.
Through the night I managed to drink a lot of beer, and steered clear of the hard stuff because I wasn't trying to end my night with my head in the toilet. I had never gotten sick from drinking, and was not about to ruin my streak anytime soon. Then *she* came in.
She, we will call her "Ashley," was a girl with which I had a mini obsession over. Every quality in a woman that I wanted, she had. We had always been friendly with each other, and it had kind of circulated through our circles of friends that we wanted to get in a relationship. She had a boyfriend at the time though, and he also came to the party.
Me, having already enjoyed a good amount of brew, felt like I needed a little more of a boost in my drunkenness, so I went and got the jello shots out of the fridge. I went ahead and shot about 5 of them and went out to the back deck of the house for a smoke. Two minutes later, Ashley and one of her friends came out to join me.
We all had a cool talk about random stuff. I could feel my blood pressure rising just because I didn't want to say the wrong thing with Ashley already a bit drunk herself. We wrapped up our smokes and headed back into the house.
We went into the living room where everyone that remained was hanging out, listening to Ashley's boyfriend play his guitar.(Yup, he was one of those kinds.) I sat down on the floor indian style as my head now decided this was a good time to feel the full force of those jello shots. I sat for a moment, listening to everyone small talk through the room with the guitar playing still going, when Ashley sits beside my and starts playing with my hair! I have long hair and was used to people not resisting some sort of urge to braid it, but I couldn't believe she was doing that with her boyfriend right there.
I looked down and closed my eyes and just did my best to enjoy the moment, and thats when I knew I was about to fuck up. I could feel my stomach burn and my head begin to twist like it was in a vice. I suddenly felt the power of being able to speak escape me. Before I knew it, I was leaning to the left, my head right over Ashley's lap. It was in that exact moment that all the beer and whatever I had for dinner that night decided to come back up and coat Ashley's legs and lower abdomen.
I remember hearing her say "oh my god," and thats all. Next thing I recall, I was on the front porch in nothing but my boxers, still throwing up off and on, hearing friends argue about what to do with me.
The next morning, I wake up on the couch to my buddy and his girl cooking up breakfast. "Was she mad?" I asked.
My buddy says "No, I don't think she was mad, but you certainly fucked her night up." And quite possibly, my life, as we never did hook up after that. In fact, I've only seen her one other time since that all happened.
TL;DR: Got really drunk at a friend's party, and threw up in the lap of a really hot girl I had been really wanting to get together with. Fucking jello shots.
Ninjin-No-Ninja: Just know that you're not alone. We all have these dark spots on our lives that we think back on and physically cringe. Hope you don't really feel like your life is ruined :(
RadioactiveRebel6: No, ruined may have been too strong a word. But I always wonder "what if" quite often.
Ninjin-No-Ninja: Well there will always be experiences in your life like that I think. And I believe that to truly wish that something different had happened in your past is to wish you weren't the person you are now. You are the sum of your experiences and if you had different ones, you'd be a different person.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409524459 | 1409623897 | t3_2f4amj | t5_2to41 | 17 | idamnedit: TIFU by cupping a boob
One night I was going to sleep with my SO. Just goofing around I cupped her boob as I fell asleep. She was fine with this. The next morning she work up really pissed at me. I had no idea why. Finally when she calmed down she told me that in the middle of the night, without any warning my gentle cupping became a death squeeze. It woke her up out of a deep slumber and try as she might she could not get me to release. I finally eased my grip on my own and rolled over, totally unaware. It was the last time I was allowed to cup as we were falling asleep.
Edit: wrong word. Had passed meant pissed.
Ilikemesomenofap: Some months ago, I was sleeping with my former girlfriend. We had some tense moments during the day and we didnt talk about it, so we went to bed with low body contact. As time passes, I tried to ¿caress? her, softly touching her and finally we spoon.
When morning arrives, I woke up in the middle of a dream really confused. I was grabbing one boob aaaaand suddenly I energically pinched and twisted the nipple. Then I realized it wasn't a dream anymore and I was like "oh no... wtf have I done, she's gonna kill me" (remember we were mad at each other the previous day and didnt talk it through). Luckily she didn't react to it XD I mean, maybe she woke up or moved away as a reaction, but she didn't yell at me for it :P Women can be so scary
idamnedit: I have a way of making tense situations just silly, which cuts the tension. However, I am a deep sleeper and I dont like being disturbed. There were many nights with my ex where I would hiss at her. She knew I didnt like to be disturbed when sleeping and get mad at me. My current GF knows not to mess with me so things are much better that way.
Ilikemesomenofap: Nice, now you can pretend you're asleep and do/say whatever you want, she won't wake you up :D
Just remembered, one friend has a terrible sleepwalking problem. Like one day he jump-dived from the bed into the floor and woke up, some unfortunate yet funny stuff when you hear about it xD His poor girlfriend received a lot of kicks, punches, one choke attempt and one object thrown at her. In reality its a sad thing, but luckily there have been no serious incidents besides the choke one. Gotta admire her patience, poor girl
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1411919925 | 1411944171 | t3_2hpdon | t5_2to41 | 116 | [deleted]: TIFU by masterbating 4 feet away from my Dad
So this happened last night (about 8 hours ago). My dad and I are currently half way through a cross country road trip and we decided to stop at a hotel for the night. We ordered Pizza and watched TV and talked about the shitty green color they painted the rooms etc.
About an hour or so into Fight Club my dad drifts off to sleep (we have a room with 2 full sized beds) and I decide to call my girlfriend and tell her I'm going to sleep. Did I mention I haven't seen my girlfriend in a little over a month? I don't know if it was the lack of physical intimacy over a month or watching Marla Singer getting pounded on the TV but I let all my inhibitions fly into the wind.
I'm trying to be as quiet as possible (and I'm fairly certain my dad is snoring) and my girlfriend and I are going into great detail to get the deed done. Now a little bit of background on my girlfriend and I - our sex is the best I've ever had. Pretty much anything goes and it never gets dull. The barely audible shit we were saying would have made anyone's ears get red if they were in the same room.
So when i woke up an hour ago my dad was already up and I could tell something was off. He wasn't saying anything and he was taking great lengths to skirt my side of the hotel room. Jesus fucking christ he must have been awake and had to sit and endure me mashing my junk.
This is gonna be a long road trip. 1500mi left to go. ; ~ ;
AintGotThatSwing: Just thank the lord you're not into Dad-Son roleplay with your GF, or that would've been awkward...
Sivalion: I think you mis-spelled awesome there, mate!
Thunderkick72: Giggity
| 4 | 29 | |
1409532562 | 1409578464 | t3_2f4mow | t5_2to41 | 23 | NullPointerAMA: TIFU by accidentally viewing the leaked celeb pics at a coffee shop
So this just happened a few minutes ago. I was casually viewing reddit while waiting in line at a coffee shop. Then I see the news of these celeb pics being leaked, and I decided to view threads on it to see the comments. As I was scrolling down a particular one, I accidentally pressed a link and immediately took me to a page of a certain celeb's nude photo. I quickly closed it and looked around. The lady behind me just smirked and I started to navigate to my collection of pictures of cats and penguins cause I didn't know what to do. Needless to say, I wanted to nope out of there.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: Um...link to pictures?
LetsStealSomeKids: Check out /r/thefappening
bowmaster17: RIP CUNTASAURUS_REX' s penis
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1411948508 | 1411998142 | t3_2hqp35 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Copypastetifu: TIFU by texting my girlfriend about how I use her for rides and sex
First off I'm typing this on mobile so the formatting might be weird.
My relationship with my girlfriend has been rocky and there have big some big fights. Well about 2 weeks ago we had one of these fights. I was pissed off at her so I was venting to my brother about how I only use her for rides and how she's only tolerable when she's horny. I don't mean any of those things but I was trying to make it seem to at least myself that I didn't feel hurt or lost in any way. This is a large regret of mine but I was in a bad place.
So here is the fuck-up. Things are stable with my girlfriend and I. We start texting about poetry. I try to copy paste a link to "Father Forgets", my favorite poem but instead paste one of the messages I sent to my brother about I little of a fuck I give about her. I try to delete the message but it sends too fast and I can't stop it. I didn't know that at this point I thought I had successfully stopped the text. So I try to paste the link again, exact same fucking thing, text her a vulgar paragraph about how little she means to me. At this point I'm waiting for the shit storm to arrive and I'm about to have a panic attack.
She texts me that I might've mis sent a text so I tell her I'm coming out all the way and telling her the whole truth so I do and make it clear I was trying to vent and make myself not feel sad and how what I said was all lies so I might be able to trick myself to not hurt. , she calls me a douche and tells me we are fucking done. I text back and tell her that is probably a prudent decision given the circumstances.
Right now I'm just laying in bed crying because I thought I had finally reached stability with our relationship.
So the take away folks, if you use copy paste check what the message is or else you might accidentally break up with your girlfriend....
youknowmealready: How old are you?
Copypastetifu: I'm 16 she is 19
youknowmealready: I was gonna say you sounded younger. Don't worry about it too much. You have your whole life, and many more women to choose from, ahead of you.
Copypastetifu: Yeah she texted me last night about how technically she statutory raped me but I'm not going to do anything about it even though she forced me to eat her out for 2 hours. It's not like male rape stories are believed.
youknowmealready: Not rape if it's consensual! At least where I'm from. But it just sounds like a tough breakup. You will get through it no problem, and move on. Also, for the future, if you act like you know what you're doing, especially talking to girls, the confidence will go miles.
Copypastetifu: I'm a minor and she is 2 years older than me, I'm my state no matter the consent myself out my parents could make her a sex offender
youknowmealready: *#rekt*
Well at least she can't use anything against you for fear of something happening to her.
Copypastetifu: Yeah I'm not going to though, that's shitty
| 9 | 1.666667 | |
1411941244 | 1411967783 | t3_2hqdmj | t5_2to41 | 95 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk hours before my oral talk at the largest European astrophysics meeting.
a
uzpurnis: Well, then you didn't really fuck up. At least you didn't give an anal talk or something.
discounteggroll: [reference...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DrRE1LDY_U)
eanox: Risky click...
| 4 | 23.75 | |
1411879349 | 1411966334 | t3_2hoal2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | badtastetifu: TIFU at the blood diagnostic place
So today I went to get my blood tested for food allergies. I went to the blood diagnostic place kind of late and was really hungry and thirsty. After they were done taking my blood I immediately went to the water cooler to get a drink. Got a plastic cup, filled it up with water to drink and finished it quickly. I relaxed for a minute then I wondered why there was writing on the cup.
That's when I noticed TIFU.
The writing said Urine Collection Container. I drank with the piss cup and now have a bad taste in my mouth :(
dragonjz: Those are sterile, and one use only, idiot. They don't reuse them. I call bullshit, anyway, because you'd have to take the lid off first.
andersmb: Also, they don't just have those cups sitting out in the open. The employees keep them away in the supply room with the unused viles.
entpagearizona: Sometimes they are left out if someone can't go to the bathroom, but you just throw them away when you're down so yea calling bullshit on this.
Source: Had to pee in those every week for 6 months
| 4 | 2 | |
1409532599 | 1409551832 | t3_2f4mr7 | t5_2to41 | 138 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching my crush
This actually happened two days ago, but I am still reeling. Anyway, some background: I grew up in a household with 3 much older brothers, and we have brotherly fights (an understatement) all the time. Naturally, I have been one the defensive my whole life.
I was in my English class, and I was talking with this girl that I have liked since I met her in 7th grade. I, a natural ladies man, was flirting with her and said something funny. She playfully touched my arm (:D). In that moment my childhood instincts kicked in, and I reflexively punched her really hard in the stomach. She fell over, crying, and I just stood there frozen. The teacher rushes over, and after looking her over, tells a student to call the school nurse immediately (while I'm still just standing there). She was sent home, and I have been suspended.
TIFU by punching my crush in class, getting suspended for it and receiving a pretty frightening voice mail from her mother.
EDIT: Of course I apologized!! I have texted and called her multiple times trying to explain it! Luckily, she texted back this morning. She said she wasn't really that hurt, just kind of shocked. Any yes I think therapy would be very beneficial.
[deleted]: Asserting your dominance. Should've peed on her. Solid 7/10 op.
mtx210: Top kek
| 3 | 46 | |
1411939298 | 1411948344 | t3_2hqadz | t5_2to41 | 60 | PalaceBoy: TIFU by locking myself outside my house half-naked
I'm a bit of an idiot at times, and a few weeks ago my stupidity decided to shine bright right after I finished going for a shower.
During this shower the postman had knocked on my door, and as I was singing and thinking to myself deeply I didn't hear the door ring, so he left this parcel that wasn't too big, but big enough to not fit through my letter box at my door.
After my shower came to an end I wiped all the water off me and put a pair of boxers on. As I was home alone I didn't bother with putting a shirt, jeans and socks on, so I wandered about casually. While roaming around I seemed to have noticed this parcel at my door (I have a semi see through door, so any blunt object is fairly easy to see), so I opened the door, picked up the parcel, then turned around to see the door shut on my face. I'm used to feeling my hips when I feel as if I've lost my keys, phone or money, but I had boxers on, so I just looked down and realized I was completely fucked.
I was kicking and pushing against my door, but after about 5 minutes I stopped - a half-naked person standing at someone's doorstep furiously kicking and punching a door? hmm, looks suspicious.
I then climbed over the fence that separated my garden and the front of my house, and tried to find a window that I could possibly climb through - Eureka! I found an opening, but an incredibly small one. (It had been about 30 minutes since I had been locked out). I pushed upwards trying to force the window open. It was moving ever so slightly, but after around 5-10 mins I could finally climb through.
Finally! I put some clothes on, and just as I was about to sit down I heard a knock on my door. There were 2 policemen. I began to ask why they were at my house, and they explained to me that a neighbor had called about a burglary. A burglary? Why would..wait - the neighbor thought that a half-naked guy kicked and smashed against someone's door, climbed over a fence and then entered the house after endless attempts at trying to open a window. I made it clear to the policeman that I had locked my self out, but one of them found it hard to believe my story because the parcel that got me locked out was still on my doorstep. I completely forgot about it, haha.
All of that just for a parcel. Absolutely mental.
TL;DR - Went for shower, didnt hear postman ring, left the parcel at my door, I went out to collect it - locked myself out half-naked, kicked and punched my door, climbed over my fence and finally found an opening to get myself in my house. Neighbor thought I was being burgled, police knocked on my door, told them the story (1 didn't believe me as the parcel was still left outside as I forgot about it) and then they set off.
charityveritas: Lol. That's kind of cute. Glad it worked out okay in the end. :)
pseri097: Like an episode of Mr. Beans
charityveritas: Totally! Lol.
| 4 | 15 | |
1411965967 | 1411968332 | t3_2hrgey | t5_2to41 | 55 | Vesper_Martini: TIFU by forgetting about my period
This happened when i was in fifth grade at my graduation. I was wearing white dress and a pair of heels, no tights. I failed to notice that it was the seventh, and wearing white was quite possibly the worst thing i could've done. So around the time the principal is giving a speech, i feel a slight *gush* and i start to panic. Our teachers told us we were not allowed to leave unless we were about to have explosive diarrhea and projectile vomit everywhere, and me being a goody-two-shoes stayed in my chair. Throughout the next few speeches, i could feel the puddle growing under me, and if there had been any blood left to spare, i would've been blushing. Finally, the moment i've spent the past 20 mins dreading arrives. Handing out the diplomas. I was in the second-to-last row, so i spent the next 10 mins watching these kids get their diplomas and dying of anticipation. When they call the row in front of mine, i remember, my sweater! I tie my pristine white sweater to my waist just as they call my row. I'm in the clear! They call my name. One step, two step, three-WHAM! I go flying! Sweater flies off, and i fall so that my blood soaked rear is facing the crowd of parents and small children in the audience. The most embarrassing moment of my life, so far anyways. So, what does fifth grader me do? I do the most graceful thing ever. I pass out on the gym floor. Next thing i know, I'm in the hospital with a minor concussion. To make things worse, i had no changes of clothes, and had to wear my crusty blood-gown home. Even worse, i spent the whole ride home fighting nausea. To this day, i'll meet up with old friends who were there and they'll go "hey, remember 5th grade graduation...."
juztguy: so how old are you now? this entire time i imagined you were recently in 5th grade.
Vesper_Martini: I am currently 19.
woodworthington: If only you could rename the title to "NYAIFU by forgetting about my period" for, 'nine years ago I fucked up'.
Vesper_Martini: All of these acronyms....i look through the comments on some posts and i will have to consult the urban dictionary many times. I don't spend much time on the internet.
woodworthington: I just made that one up on the spot. Aha
| 6 | 9.166667 | |
1411885405 | 1411888180 | t3_2hogws | t5_2to41 | 238 | siisiiam: TIFU: I answered a group call naked (facetime)
To start off I'm female, and I'm a 34D. (kind of chesty?) I was fully undressed, about to hop in the shower when my phone started to ring. I didn't bother to pay close attention to the screen. Just blindly tried to place the phone on speaker. (holding phone about 1 foot from myself, front cam pointed at my chest) It was a video call from a group of all male friends in another province, and one of their mothers. I flashed everybody. FUCK.
To top it off my phone is a whore and has a super fun delay time, so after tapping the end call button incessantly, I decided to just lock the phone in order to turn the front cam off… It took about 5 seconds, and lots of me screaming and apologizing with the cam pointed at the ceiling (I was scared the cam might not have shut off even though the phone was now on lock screen) for me to hang up. For 5 seconds, I had to listen to Michaels mom say "Sii-am, sweetheart, uhm, Sii-am… What is she doing".
Jarred text me saying: "Hahha Michaels mom. That was great. You looked good. Don't worry. It was so funny".
Oh ya, and now everybody know's my nipples are pierced. Awesome.
EDIT: Context
EDIT: This call took place at a going away party. This is why a friends mom was there.
mr78rpm: Once more, it's crucial to the story coming across right that the gender of the storyteller be told right at the start.
Sorry -- maybe you think it doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl... but try reading this story as though it's a guy. See how it's then just a stupid story?
siisiiam: Word. Im very sorry for the lack of context. Very new to reddit. My first ever post. You will have to excuse me. Will edit now.
I don't know how to edit posts yet… Googling.
EDIT: Jesus. OK I know how to edit now… Too simple.
[deleted]: Yeah, agreed. I was reading this thinking "I'm guessing this is girl otherwise it wouldn't be embarrassing."
Still not 100% sure.
siisiiam: Indeed I am female, sorry about the lack of context. I hope you now can enjoy this story to it's fullest extent.
[deleted]: Fair play, thank you.
| 6 | 39.666667 | |
1411933161 | 1411969728 | t3_2hpzqi | t5_2to41 | 62 | Drkhazix: TIFU by falling asleep in the library
i was volunteering at the library yesterday and after my hours were done, i decided to take a quick nap... Well while i was taking that nap i had a dream that i was in a haunted house and was running countless of stairs and getting chased by my mother... So in that process i was screaming and whimpering and moaning and woke up to me screaming.... and everyone around me just started laughing, then i just walked out like nothing happened...
Vesper_Martini: Why would your mother be chasing you? I pictured a woman in a flower print dress chasing you with a rolling pin.
kachuck: Your mother showing up is one of the biggest fears for college students.
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1411940638 | 1411945375 | t3_2hqcmv | t5_2to41 | 0 | GrowliXE: TIFU by sending a picture of my friend's boyfriend sucking dick, to her. NSFW
While browsing reddit i came across a snapchat of a guy giving another guy a blowjob, the guy giving the blow job looked similar to me best friend's boyfriend, but it was obvious that it wasn't actually him.
My friend saw the picture and she thought it looked similar to her boyfriend as well so after a couple of minutes of us laughing and joking about him cheating she messaged him on Facebook.
Friend: (Picture) Care to explain this?
Boyfriend: What is it?
Friend: That’s you
Boyfriend: No it really isn't
Hello?
Friend: That’s you :'(
He phoned up her after that message, and they argued. She tried to explain that it was just a joke and she knew it obviously wasn't him but he became defensive and said "This isn't something you joke about (Friends name)" After about half an hour of them arguing they stopped speaking for the day, but he sent a message a couple hours later
Boyfriend: "you not going to apologise?
Friend: What for?
Boyfriend: Sending that grim picture to me and trying to say it's me. It really got to me.
Friend: It was a joke cause it looked a little bit like you, I'm sorry.
tl;dr Sent a friend a picture of someone giving a blowbjob that looked like her boyfriend, causing an argument between them and possibly their breakup.
This is the picture that caused it all http://imgur.com/FCbBjq9 NSFW
edit: [Screnshots] (http://imgur.com/a/xYnhy) from the facebook conversation
JonSnowww1: Wow
Your friend sound totally like a douche, it was a joke.... Ok, a really bad taste joke
She should apologize with her boyfriend wtf
And she evens gets angry because "it was a joke"
For fuck's sake
GrowliXE: It was the boyfriend that got angry, Im friends with the girl, they joke about simialr things quite often, but this time he got angry.
KoD123455: Well, maybe it was a little close to the truth.
| 4 | 0 |
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