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1412000309 | 1412133927 | t3_2hsg02 | t5_2to41 | 88 | thrwawayacnt12: Tifu by trying to help a women passed out in the middle of the street
This happened a few months back. Found this subreddit so I though I should share my fuck up. English isn't my first language so apologies for grammar.
It 2 am in the morning and I am walking home, after spending my Saturday night at the local bar trying to forget the shitty week.
Street in pretty much deserted ,as I live in a small town, but I see one lowly figure in the distance laying in the middle of the road. Get closer, it's a girl passed out. Her skirt has been pushed up and panties removed. I think she has been raped,so I have to help her now.
Check her pulse first,alive, then to wake her up to no avail. Take my phone out to call for help, only to be surprised its dead. Try to find some identification on her but she has got no hand bag or anything. Search in the surrounding area but to no avail.
I think that either I can drag her to the police station which is quite far away. As I am not going to find anyone driving at this ungodly hour. Considering I cant leave her to run home and call the police. I cradle her in my arms and carry her to my home which was about 5-6 minutes away.
Reach home, throw stranger on my bed. Stupidly decided not to call the police, thinking she needs the sleep. She can be on her way in the morning.
Set by bed up on the couch and try to sleep. Cant couch very uncomfortable, decided to pop a sleeping pill(bad idea). Wake up to find my hands,feet and even my eyes covered in duck tape.
Get startled, try to move but captor tells me to stop or she will slice me open with a kitchen knife.
I stop and ask her, "who are you?" She says "quiet you disgusting pig". She proceeds to bring my pants and underwear down to my knees. Place the blade on my manhood and yells "where is my handbag". Fearful of the consequences I say stutter"I..I.... d....don't kn..ow, I wassss....was jussssst trying too help"
"What by fucking me when I was passed out and stealing my handbag".
Then I feel the cold stainless steel starting to press harder on my manhood. " Miss I don't know you were passed out and laying exposed the middle of the street. I tried search for you ID but i couldn't find your bag. Couldn't call the police because my phone was dead. Decided to bring you home an"."Quite!, If you wanted to help me you could have called the police when you reached you home!. Since you clearly knew I was raped but you wanted to continue what you started at you home!. I will take from you what you hold most dear, so you can never harm a women again!."
"But why wouldn't I then lock...ufffff".She gagged me mid sentence.
Then I felt I pain like I have never felt, it was equal to a thousand needles going into my fingernails.She had slowly started cutting my man hood from the base. I yell as hard I can but not a soul would hear my muffled screams.She yells "Feel the pain every time a women feels when she get raped, feel her burden, feel her suffering!".
Then I hear a door crash open before I pass out from the pain.
What happened during I passed out:
Neighbor outside walking with his son to play cricket(similar to baseball in someways, you have a big wooden bat in it too). Hears a women's screaming coming from from house. Run to investigate. Dumb bitch didn't close the window blinds. Neighbor sees whats happening from the window. Crashes door open. Yells at her to stop, she doesn't, just keeps on cutting away. Seeing their is no time to waste, he hits her as hard as he can with the bat on the head. Breaks the bat, knocks her out. Whisks me to the hospital and calls the police.
What happened when I woke up:
She had cut about 1.5/5 of the way in but stitches saved the day. After that a lengthy investigation by the police followed. In the end they found sperm stains another man on her clothes and I was removed from any suspicion. She got 5 years jail time for her doing.
Summary:
Brought home a women exposed and passed out in the middle of the street home with no ID or hand bag.Mobile phone dead and didn't call police when I reached home with her.She sleeps on my bed, I on my couch and pop a sleeping pill because I cant sleep. Wake up hand,legs and eyes duck taped. She thinks I raped her and stole her money. Try to explain get gagged, the she proceeds to slowly cut my manhood off with a kitchen knife. Neighbor hears the commotion and saves the day
Sorry again for grammar mistakes and for making this a bit to long. Just wanted to be detailed
Swarlsonegger: Am I the only one having a hard time believing this without evidence?
thrwawayacnt12: When I told the police the same thing, they didnt believe me also. I could see them thinking, how can someone be so stupid. Only the sperm on her clothes and the neighbors report cleared my name. Now I can't just show everyone the remains of my manhood. I am quite conservation, so I dont feel comfortable doing that
Swarlsonegger: any papers from the hospital/police with timestamp?
thrwawayacnt12: Sorry friend, I am not willing to reveal my identity. I just wanted to share my experience, in a hope to cope with the situation. The whole experience has made me quite depressed and fearful of women. Anyway the account is what it is. If people dont think its true I guess it's fine. Maybe it can still be a lesson of what not to do in such a situation
Swarlsonegger: well you can still black out your name and anything that leads to your identity (like all other OP's who proof their story do).
Until then I consider your story pasta (like most others) just so you know
Voyager5555: I rarely see people "prove" their stories on here, but seems a little weird to me that you're pushing so hard for this one...
Swarlsonegger: well because this is not /b/ . If I feel like I want to read made up stories I can go read up made up stories, often on this subreddit people also provide advice and such, I don't think it is a good idea if fictional work (no matter how good/funny it is) may it be for the sake of karma whoring or just for the lulz should be mixed up with actual stories.
SlushyFTK: It would be **very** difficult for OP to confirm this without self-doxxing. Just let it be.
If it's true then OP for sure doesn't want everyone to know exactly who he is. If it isn't, then who the hell cares?
sugargliderlover: All he'd need to do is take a photo of a hospital report w/ identifying info not shown. That's it.
SlushyFTK: A hospital report? How would you remove all potentially identifying information from a hospital report without simultaneously rendering the document useless?
| 11 | 8 | |
1412001545 | 1412060983 | t3_2hshxw | t5_2to41 | 43 | LadyGrizabella: TIFU by answering when Rachel from Card Services called
This actually happened awhile back, before my husband got fed up after getting 14 calls in one day from different numbers, all claiming to be "Rachel" from "Card Services".
We'd been getting these calls for awhile and since I'm a SAHM, I was heartily sick of my phone ringing all the time. One afternoon, after spending the last several hours cleaning and doing laundry, I picked up the phone without bothering to look at the caller ID like I usually do.
It was, once again, Rachel from Card Services. I thought, in my stupidity, that maybe if I asked nicely they'd take my number off their list and leave me alone.
Oh no no no.
Me: Hi.
Scammer: Hey baby, what's up?
Me: Um...I just want you to take my number off your list please.
Scammer: Here's what I need you to do. Do you have a pen and paper ready? Because I'm gonna tell you how to get off my list, baby.
Me: Um.....
Scammer: Take this down. You need to go to Western Union and..
Me: Excuse me?
Scammer: If you want off my list, you're going to have to pay me.
Me:(groan) How much?
Scammer: How's about a thousand dollars sound, huh?
Me: Are you kidding me? You want ME to pay YOU to get off a list I never asked to be on in the first damn place? You have GOT to be kidding me.
Scammer: I'm not joking baby. I have your phone number. I will make them call you sixteen times a day every day for the next sixteen years if you don't pay up, sweetie.
Me: Forget it.
At that point I hung up, but I was scared to death he'd follow through with his threat.
Shortly afterwards, on a day when my husband was home sleeping after an overnight shift, they called fourteen times and he finally said that was enough. He realized what I meant what I said when I told him they would call non freaking stop all dang day. It was then, and only then, he was convinced to get call block to keep these yahoos from calling us.
Median2: Aren't you allowed to call the police for something like this?
[deleted]: Yes, besides any harassing angle, this amount to extortion.
MSLB: You posted twice
[deleted]: Reddit posted twice.
doctor_why: And it did it again, mate.
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1411999077 | 1412006709 | t3_2hsdz8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | defenitelynotfake818: TIFU by dickpic [NSFW]
Elisimato: OP, why don't you spell well?
defenitelynotfake818: English is not my 1st language :/
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411999141 | 1412024747 | t3_2hse3e | t5_2to41 | 7 | Cyndaquil707: tifu by hacking my school
Alright so first let me say im typing on mobile and there may be some errors. Also I didn't exactly hack the school but I was there first hand with my friends when they did it.
It all started in 8th grade not too long ago. We had a keyboarding teacher that my friends Jack and Tim didn't like that much. (Not there real names. Removed due to privacy.) So one day in PE were sitting playing on our phones. (Coach always let us do this near the end of the year which is when this was) and Jack tells me hes going to hack the keyboarding teacher using his phone. At first I really doubt it but them he shows me an app called Despolit. And its all downhill from here.
Jack figures out the app can change text on sites, put any photo or video on any site, and even turn off internet servers. So a few days after looking through the app Jack simply hits "Search" on the app, the schools routers pop up, and he hits "Disconnect." Throughout the day the teachers are complaining they cant get on the wifi or take attendance. The technology building was trying to fix it but nothing.
This goes on for a week. Until Tim takes it to a new level. Jack gives Tim his phone while we are in PE. While the coach is taking attendance, we suddenly hear moaning noises coming from his computer. His face turns a bright red and he runs with his laptop into the locker room. Turns out Tim put porno on the schools website along with changing some text and a giant "troll face" photo on the front page.
After about a month of all this, Jack tells another friend hes doing this. Up until this point only I knew. Well turns out this was a terrible idea and Jack's friend goes around telling everyone Jack is causing all the hacking problems.
Within 2 weeks the principals final figure out. Jack and Tim are investigates by the cops and assisantant prinipal. The assistant prinipal basically screamed at them and was freaking out because he thought they stole passwords.
What happened to Jack and Tim? They were sent to a academy like place behind the high school. Tim came back after a few weeks. Jack didn't come back until 9th grade. But for what happened at the academy place is a different story.
And luckily they never found out about me, if they figuried out I knew and never reported it I would've been destroyed by the cops.
TL;DR- Two friends and I hacked the school, took down wifi and messed up the sites.
rodgersayshi: TIL this magical app can knock servers offiline, but I can't find it.
muz360: Its called dploit not despoilt
rodgersayshi: > dploit
so it's this: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.anstudios.dsploit&hl=en
muz360: Yes
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1409583986 | 1409589617 | t3_2f69bp | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by licking my GF's asshole
So, earlier my girlfriend and I had some alone time to ourselves and naturally our pants came off. She was bending over as I was eating out her crotch and I decided to give her a little surprise by munching on her asshole a little bit. It tasted like shit, that much I expected. What I didn't expect was my breath to literally reek like shit afterwards. What's more is that we were out of mouth wash. Then all of a sudden her parents pull into the driveway so we throw our clothes back on and head downstairs to act like nothing happened while they were gone. Her mom walks in to greet us and INSTANTLY smells the shit on my breath and makes a vulgar comment. I think she knows what we've done, and now I can never look at our parents the same way again.
LiveFastDieSlow: **our** parents !?
xEASTWOODx: Aunt Mom and Uncle Dad.
| 3 | 12 | |
1412004231 | 1412005025 | t3_2hsm62 | t5_2to41 | 58 | blackbackpackjack: TIFU by hitting someone with my car.
This happened this morning. I was stopped on the edge of the driveway going into the street. I was adjusting my radio to connect with my phone. When I was done I pulled out a little, but I was still looking at my radio. Then that's when I looked up and saw a jogger and then I stopped. I hit her, and then she started screaming at me. I was going to talk to her, but then she started screaming profanities and my little brother was in the back so I didn't want to go outside because he would hear. She stopped screaming and then took a picture of my license plate. She then told me she was going to call the police. Then she ran off I tried catching up to her and talking to her, but she kept ignoring me.
I don't think I hurt her, because I saw her still running after I dropped off my brother.
What should I do now? I want to say that I'm sorry, but I didn't know how to talk to her. If the woman I hit see this I want to say I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you it was an accident. I was distracted and I was in the wrong, I'm sorry.
[deleted]: IANAL, but my suggestion would be to report yourself to the police. Explain the situation, get it on the record that you did not leave but the lady refused to accept any kind of information or help. You do not want to be charged with a hit and run.
blackbackpackjack: Thanks for the advice, I will go to the police station and explain the situation.
[deleted]: You might want to consult a lawyer first
blackbackpackjack: How could I do that?
[deleted]: Can't help you there. I'm sure there are lawyers where you are.
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1411867371 | 1412004523 | t3_2hnv1x | t5_2to41 | 6 | ZanderDogz: TIFU by letting the Orthodontist use my picture for "Educational" purpose only.
When I was at the Orthodontist, they took pictures of me with some mirrors in my mouth to see the back of my teeth and then asked me if they could send my pictures to a college somewhere for educational purposes. Seeing nothing wrong with this, I agreed to let them do this.
Around 10 months went by, and during class I heard one of my friends start to laugh. He turned to me and showed me the website for some random dentist program I have never heard of. He said, "Look, this kid has a lot of acne on this dentist website". My friend was looking at the website for an dental program he was signed up for. I looked at the picture, and it was my picture from 10 months ago! I had a little acne when the picture was taken, but the way that my face was stretched out by the mirrors made it look a lot worse and ugly. Luckily, the top of the picture started just below my eyes so he did not know it was me, but I was in shock. He started show the other people in the room the compute and I cringed inside as everyone started laughing at the picture of me on the website.
Even now, a few years after my friend found the picture, I still have no idea how he ended up finding it but I figured it was best not to ask.
DICKSLIDE: This is why I don't trust dentists....I have a feeling that what the orthodontist did is illegal, but I'm not really sure of the law around wherever you live. You should be able to get the picture taken down no matter where you live though, right?
lord_sherlock_holmes: How could this be illegal if OP was asked if the pictures could be shared? OP consented so I don't see ANY legal ramifications.
DICKSLIDE: A girl at my old school had a picture of her teacher she'd taken (with consent) previously for a school magazine project and cropped the picture so that it was just the teacher's cankles showing, and used it as her Facebook banner thingy. The teacher found out and the girl’s parents had to pay a fine, so I'm guessing she broke some kind of law. Then again, that teacher really hated this girl, so I guess she could have just exaggerated what the girl did?
PrincessBrideFanatic: Chances are the girl only had permission to use it for the school magazine, not to use it on her personal Facebook page. This kid was asked if his picture could be used for a dental college and gave permission. That's why what the girl in your story did was illegal, and what the dentist did was not.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1411530917 | 1412004529 | t3_2har6l | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By bringing back old memories
For you to understand what happened I have to go a little back. So, recently got kicked out of my mom's house and so I've been living with my dad and his family. Through that transition I went through alot of stuff like a little jail time and getting in some violence. After the move I started going to a new school. For the first time in my life I experienced real anxiety and anxiety attacks. A couple of hours ago I was talking to my step brother about my old house. Apparently, my step mom gave him my old gaming console. That gaming console meant alot to me and I'd always wondered where it went. It shocked me and I started to really remember things about my childhood. I remember going back to my old house and see Disney stickers all over my room, but almost everything was missing. My step sister who is younger than me got all of my childhood things while I was still a child. So, I just had an anxiety attack and puked all over my floor. There's more to the story, that gives real reasons for my anxiety issues. This is enough info though.
[deleted]: Hurts like hell, doesn't it? Be strong.
CriticDTo: Yeah it does, thanks
[deleted]: I was thinking of you. You don't know this now, but you are the lucky one. You are the family member that isn't like the rest of them. You're different from them. That's why you're the outsider. You can use this. Build your own life. You are the strong one. Take care and work hard. You can be anything you like. It's hurts that they have abandoned you. But it's alright because you aren't like them.
CriticDTo: Thanks man
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1409518455 | 1409612655 | t3_2f412p | t5_2to41 | 6 | I1TheInternet: TIFU by helping people out
Yesterday evening, me and my brother were taking a stroll. We were walking by a gas station when two pretty girls drive up in a BMW 535i and ask us to pump up their tire real quick. They said that they just got their tires changed and for some reason one wasn't pumped up. Being the kind of person that doesn't normally miss an opportunity to help someone out (if I *can*, why not?) I consented. Put it up to 54 psi. The tires didn't have the maximum pressure labeled on them, but as I searched the web later I found the max pressure for normal tires (they were the typical kind of wheels) on that car at 51psi, and recommended at ~47 psi. Now I go through life worrying that those two ladies are going to get a tire blowout and curse our miserable existence. Ouch.
sandmanme: I doubt they'll have a blowout with the pressure only 3 psi over. Did you look inside the drivers door for the recommended pressure?
I1TheInternet: I did not look. They seemed in a bit of a hurry.
sandmanme: Ah, oh well :) I'm sure they'll be fine.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409585372 | 1409626743 | t3_2f6b9w | t5_2to41 | 41 | squeezy_bob: TIFU by having sex
I won't make this long:
I had sex, started to get kinky, little bondage etc. Girlfriend on her tummy and me inside of her, when i wanted to go deeper, so i kind of put my weight behind it, and then i felt "SNAP!", i thought "oh shieeeeet" and pulled out, to my horror my dick was bleeding a lot and my dick-string was ripped half-off.
Enough of the talking, more pictures (SFW):
http://imgur.com/8PHpzdg
Ten minutes later i called the medical advice line to ask if i had to go to the doctor, the women on the other end of the line said that i just had to keep it clean and that it would heal by itself. Most awkward conversation i have had in a while.
I'm kind of afraid of peeing right now (would probably hurt like a bitch)
TL;DR: Ripped my dick, called a nurse, didn't come.
underpantsviking: Been there, done that. Twice. I feel your pain. As an interesting FYI it's called a frenulum
canwegoback: WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE AND HOW CAN I MAKE SURE IT DOESNT HAPPEN TO ME EVER?
underpantsviking: The first time she was really tight and too dry. Condoms or holding your foreskin when you push it in will help too. Mine happened on initial penetration, but it can happen mid-stroke too.
canwegoback: WHY WOULD YOU TRY ENTERING WHEN SHE'S DRY!?
underpantsviking: Horny young male
canwegoback: That seems to be the reason for a lot of our problems :)
| 7 | 5.857143 | |
1411733356 | 1411766873 | t3_2hirmb | t5_2to41 | 803 | EhBatman: TIFU by trying to speak to a pretty girl
I'm a social retard. I don't really know how to talk to people so I kind of avoid them all together.
Leaving the gym one day, the pretty girl behind the desk said "Hey you have really nice hair, you should do shampoo commercials or something!". (I have shoulder length manly hair).
It caught me off guard and I had no witty or clever response. But, for whatever reason, the words that came out of my mouth were "You should see the rest of my hair." With an awkward wave goodbye, I left.
Part 2.....
The following week I saw her again as I was leaving the gym. She asked me "Hey last time I saw you, I said you had nice hair but I didn't really hear what you said back."
This should have been a complete redo. I could have said anything I wanted. But nope. "I said you should see the rest of my hair."
Her playful smile quickly turned. I no longer go to the gym in the mornings.
TL; DR : Don't ask a girl to see the rest of your hair
The hair http://imgur.com/7OEEYI0
For those that don't believe in the Bat http://imgur.com/cPoPPI9
Edit: I appreciate everyones advice on how to win her over but I wasn't really looking to score a date. She caught me off guard with her compliment and that was my socially awkward response.
DNamor: I guess I just don't understand how this would even happen.
You must have felt so cringe inducingly terrible after saying it the first time, surely you thought of a hundred different things to say the next time... And instead you just say something you had to have known was a terrible idea.
Ohwell, no point getting hung up on it. You'll probably never see her again, so just live and learn.
sirin3: >I guess I just don't understand how this would even happen.
Isn't it obvious?
He was asked a question and answered it. Saying anything else would not have been the correct answer
I would say exactly the same in that situation
DNamor: A week later, after knowing you should never, ever, have said that?
You'd just repeat it, like a robot?
sirin3: >A week later, after knowing you should never, ever, have said that?
Never said as answer on a comment on the hair. The 2nd time it was not a comment on the hair, but a question about the last time. Entirely different situation
>You'd just repeat it, like a robot?
Yes, exactly like that
DNamor: >Never said as answer on a comment on the hair. The 2nd time it was not a comment on the hair, but a question about the last time. Entirely different situation
No it's the same situation, I'm not even joking here. This entire situation requires an understanding of context.
The context here is, say you said an innapropriate remark. It was a stupid comment, but luckily you got away with it.
You realised it was innapropriate, being socially awkward you probably completely overthink it and think of a hundred ideal responses you wish you'd said instead.
You then get asked what it was you said...
Yes, you're right, the truthful answer is to tell her exactly what you said. However in the context here that's completely ridiculous and has no good outcome.
The proper answer, is to give her a better, much less innapropriate response. The kind of response you should have said last time. Or, worst case, just say you don't remember and change the conversation.
>Yes, exactly like that
I assume you're being sarcastic, but I seriously wonder. I'm not trying to be insulting here, but I'm wondering if you lack social skills yourself? (The OP describes himself as socially awkward). To claim it's a "completely different situation" and that he just answered the question she asked just completely ignores context.
sirin3:
> However in the context here that's completely ridiculous and has no good outcome.
>The proper answer, is to give her a better, much less innapropriate response. The kind of response you should have said last time. Or, worst case, just say you don't remember and change the conversation.
But I would give the logical sound answer, before thinking about any of this
> I assume you're being sarcastic
No
>I'm not trying to be insulting here, but I'm wondering if you lack social skills yourself?
Well, I went to the dentist today, and he asked if I had any tooth problems, which I answered.
Otherwise I would not have said a single sentence all week
DNamor: Then I think you need to put yourself in situations to socialise more, or brush up on social skills and contexts. Get a hobby, join a night-class, talk to people.
Hell, if that's too much, even reading books should help with this.
sirin3: >Then I think you need to put yourself in situations to socialise more, or brush up on social skills and contexts. Get a hobby, join a night-class, talk to people.
There always something like OP's TIFU happens. Far too stressful
>Hell, if that's too much, even reading books should help with this.
I read them all the time
| 9 | 89.222222 | |
1409585144 | 1409591081 | t3_2f6axt | t5_2to41 | 8 | Froot_Fly: TIFU by trying to squeeze more power out of my CPU.
Today (Yesterday now) I thought it would be a good idea to try and overclock my CPU. I was aware that there would be challenges with it in terms of life span but nothing like this.
I was bored on this 3 day weekend Sunday so I decided "hey, why don't I try overclocking" Worst mistake of the week. I Had a fairly basic idea of how to do overclocking in my BIOS and apparently that means to me that I can do it without consulting any online guides. Mistake #1.
I as I got into the BIOS and the "Performance" I had looked and decided that I wanted a fairly modest overclock to start but no overvolting because I didn't want to ruin the thing. I put it a 105% multiplier for a 5% boost in base clock. I went ahead and saved the settings and restarted. had not saved the setting for some odd reason, maybe it was a sign to stop. I decided to stop bothering with throwing it up in increments and just threw a 110 multiplier for that extra performance. I restarted my computer and it did hold the settings at that point but the OS wouldn't load, I ended up trying several things to get it to boot to the hard drive with no success. I was having trouble remembering what I had changed for the overclocking and I was in panic mode at this point and I decided to restore every setting to the way I had gotten the motherboard. Mistake #2
I was able to get past the computer freezing up and I thought it was over until I got the computer saying that no boot manager was detected, Great. I went ahead and called defeat (almost) and googled the issue. I looked in several places and they all said to get a windows install disk and use the disk's repair feature. I did not have a windows disk handy but I did know that there were ways to get a copy of the windows ISO for free so I went with that method. After spending a few minutes I burned the ISO on to a DVD, and huzzah! It loaded the installer but when I went to the repair feature but it said that the version of windows I had downloaded wasn't correct but I knew for a fact that it was. I had been beaten I stopped and decided to let my mind rest. Then it dawned on me I had another computer with windows 7 on it and I had it handy. I opened up the computer and copied over the boot file from windows. I then got my linux live usb and stuck it into the computer to copy over the boot from my laptop onto the hard drive. Mistake, and the biggest, #3.
I now was a computer hacking wizard and I didn't need to worry about them being different versions of windows (Pro vs. Home Premium) and in no way would their boot files be compatible. I restarted and was not presented with the windows boot screen. I was beaten again. I decided to call it quits for awhile until I decided to go into the BIOS one last time and look at the boot order to see if everything was in line. It was but I decided it may be a good idea to turn on UEFI boot to see if that helps. I was flabbergasted, I was booting into windows, for a whole 5 seconds until it blue screened from having the wrong boot file. I was mortified at what I had done so I consulted both the windows repair from the install disk and a windows repair disk that I had made a while back. The install disk didn't help but the repair disk did. The repair disk gave me the option to restore from a previous backup I had made. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, or so I though. The repair functionality from the disk said that there was an issue with the boot file so I would not be able to use it. I only had one more option and it was to use a windows 8 install disk and try upgrading the computer so I wouldn't have to move or loose the 800 gigabytes of files and programs I had loaded. I booted into the windows 8 disk and went to the upgrade an existing OS. Golden right? Nope, it requires you to boot into windows and do it from there. At this point I was out of options and I decided to transfer all 825 gigabytes of programs and other various files onto my external hard drive and just do a fresh install.
And that is how I fucked up.
Tako12: Couldn't you have made your primary HDD into a slave drive on another computer and recovered your files there? This way you can format and reinstall the OS.
I guess you kinda did that anyway..
Droviin: /u/Tako12 has the easy fix.
Also, OP's situation is why it's prudent to either have your documents stored on a different drive from your OS, or for your documents to be on a different partition. (Personally, I go for the former so that any GPT issues that occur from a failed OC don't trash the data as well.)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412004634 | 1412055296 | t3_2hsmuh | t5_2to41 | 183 | thegamesurvivor: TIFU and lost one of my balls.
This is another story that happened several years ago, I was about 16 at the time.
Beach trip with my family, I wake up in the morning with my right nut hurting like you wouldn't believe. Absolute agony. I manage to get through part to about lunchtime before I decide to tell my parents. I was incredibly embarrassed, so I told them I'd 'bumped into the wall' on the way to the toilet during the night. I talk it down a fair bit because I don't want them to worry and cut the trip short.
We go down to the beach and have a swim, my testicle still throbbing with pain. Eventually I have to go back to the house because it hurts so much. I hop in the shower and notice it's swollen up to about the size of a golf ball, maybe a bit bigger. I tell my folks and they say that we should probably head home and go to a doctor.
We drive home, me still in agony (it was a four hour trip, ouch). I was young and socially awkward, and didn't really fancy showing a doctor my golf ball nut, so I weaseled out of going to the doctor when we got home, so my parents booked me an appointment in the morning.
When I get to the doctor, they tell me that it's [testicular torsion](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testicular_torsion) and they'll almost certainly have to operate and remove it. I absolutely shit myself when he told me that.
I head up to the hospital and get ready for surgery. There's a really cute Indian nurse there poking and prodding my undercarriage. That alone was an extremely confusing experience for a 16 year old boy. Anyway, they put me under anesthetic, and about 3 hours later, I wake up with one less testicle.
They told me later that if they get to operate within about 8 hours of the torsion (literal twisting of the testicle) occurring, they can save it. I went three days. I passed a kidney stone about 2 years later, and I can tell you, my golf ball nut was far more painful than that.
TL;DR - I waited three days with a painful, swollen testicle before going to the doctor. They had to remove it. They didn't even let me take it home :(
thegamesurvivor: If people are interested, I'd happily answer any testicle-related questions you have.
greatestcereal: Is it weird having one? Do you miss the other? Lastly, will you ever get an implant o.o
thegamesurvivor: Not at all, I barely even notice. I actually had to think for a while to remember which one I'd lost. I'll never get an implant. I've got a girlfriend who I've been dating for 2 and a half years, she doesn't mind at all. Good enough for me.
50_Trails_Of_Snails: How does ejaculating feel?
thegamesurvivor: Exactly the same as it did before.
50_Trails_Of_Snails: Yay! Anything different you notice about sex or day to day tasks at all?
thegamesurvivor: Not at all, it's all completely normal.
50_Trails_Of_Snails: That's awesome! Glad to hear
| 9 | 20.333333 | |
1412005528 | 1412006734 | t3_2hsodg | t5_2to41 | 37 | WinedMyRectum: TIFU by taking a wine enema with my co-workers at an office party.
This was actually a few weeks ago. There was a big office party here, and for a few days prior the rumor had been going around that some people were going to be doing wine enemas. Apparently it's become something of a tradition and management kind of looks the other way, unofficially.
This was my first office party at this place, and I'd never done a wine enema before so I was pretty nervous. I wasn't even sure it was true. Well...it was.
A co-worker of mine brought me into this backroom with a few other co-workers. There were 6 of us, 2 women and 4 guys. One of them brought out the gear for the wine enema. It seemed very strange but they were all acting normal, and even excited, about.
I watched a few of them do it and then it came to me. I didn't want to seem like a bitch or anything so I went ahead and did it. Very weird sensation. Very awkward that my co-workers were watching.
Anyways, I got extremely drunk and ended up passing out on my desk. Everybody is now making fun of me as as lightweight. I just feel strange around my co-workers now. This is just a regular office, I don't even know why this wine enema thing is a tradition.
But I will do it at the next party, to prove I am not as lightweight as they say. I am determined to fit in here.
WolfOnHigh: Holy shit! Where the fuck do you work where this is considered a "tradition"?
[deleted]: Brazzers
WolfOnHigh: Ah; that explains it then!
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1412005874 | 1412006270 | t3_2hsoz8 | t5_2to41 | 12 | lickmyeczema: TIFU by oversleeping and missing an important chemistry test
Welp that's the gist of it. I'm feeling completely worthless right now, I'm probably going to fail the course. I'm a college freshman and I have no idea if I should be this terrified.
BlGBLUE: most teachers do make ups but they take automatically take a lot of points off but it's worth a shot to ask, at this point any amount of points will help. This happened to me last semester.
lickmyeczema: Thanks for the advice!
| 3 | 4 | |
1409589820 | 1409590132 | t3_2f6hvy | t5_2to41 | 19 | roadblock1997: TIFU by being a gentleman.
So this happened about an hour ago while I was returning home from coaching via the metro.
So I listening to some legendary Dream Theater and thus was wearing my ear phones. I really can't hear much through them, which is a good thing most of the time. I also tend to speak louder than usual when I wear them.
So, moving on. I'm standing there. Listening to The Count Of Tuscany. ( you guys should really listen to it, if you're into progressive). On my right there is this person standing. Let's call the person Robin (which is a unisex name, and you'll see the reason soon enough).
Robin was short and had a clean face. Robin was wearing a rather colorful and gay outfit seemingly Polka Dots. I didn't care much. Robin was wearing blue slippers and had long hair and I couldn't see much of Robin's face.
So, after nearly 10 minutes, Robin's stop has come. Robin said: "Excuse me." I might've heard it the second time around because Robin was really trying to get through me.
So there I fucked up. I said and quite aloud: Sure, Ma'am.
Robin looked up. Took me about 5 seconds to realize that Robin really wasn't a ma'am. Robin was a he. FML. Robin is looking deep into my soul with those tiny eyes.
There were smiles on almost on all faces I could see. Some might've even giggled. By this time, there was that long strings solo from the song. Time had paused.
Finally after a intense 10 seconds, he finally got out. I let out a sigh of relief. And I was the hero on the metro. And then I switched to playing A Nightmare To Remember.
Fellow stranger, I say to you. If you're out there, I'm really sorry.
TL;DR Excused a "ma'am" who really was a man on the metro.
limsyoker: Honest mistake but hey at least you made the blank and bored faces lit up.
roadblock1997: I hope so.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1411877640 | 1411943976 | t3_2ho8im | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting hugged by my little cousin [NSFW]
This just happened. My cousin's been having her festivities for her twelfth birthday downstairs at my place, and since almost everyone had left I grabbed the big bag of cheetos and took it up to my room. She comes up a couple minutes later wanting it back and gives me a hug. She turns her head, clearly to look at my laptop screen. Just around when she knocked, I had refreshed my Tumblr dashboard, and by a bad stroke of luck, the first image on my dashboard was hentai. Although she didn't say anything, she was rather quick to run back out of the room.
TL;DR: Little kid comes to get a bag of chips back, sees hentai I didn't mean to have open at the moment.
ultimat3spaz: I read the title and NSFW tag. Went surprisingly better than expected.
The_Reaper95: I was also pleased it went better than it could have.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1409587941 | 1409603331 | t3_2f6ezn | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by wanting to fuck a dog in the ass
So me and my girlfriend are trying anal for the first time, just as I'm about to enter this song starts playing. (all my music was on shuffle)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvyl82t9IuY
Needless to say I started laughing. That's when she realised the song was on.
TonytheGemmer: Oh, i thought this was going to be a bestiality post.
AangsStaff: *Hoped
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409590283 | 1409607745 | t3_2f6ik6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by licking my own asshole
Well, not *litterally*. You see I've been recently struck with a case of "sticky shits" where nomatter how hard I wipe, there's still plenty of residue on the insides of my buttcheeks. So I'm sitting there wiping and my finger breaks the sheet of TP and goes right up my butt. Naturally, I wipe my hands off, but apparently not hard enough. Later on in the day, I'm eating blueberry danish, and without even thinking I lick the frosting from my fingers. And wouldn't you know...it tasted like shit. I smell my finger to confirm as such and sure enough I must have missed a spot from earlier. I've brushed my teeth twice now, but still haven't managed to eradicate the taste from my mouth.
Nohalfmeasures00: Question, what does shit taste like?
Tustiel: It tastes like chicken.
Nohalfmeasures00: Now I must try
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412009527 | 1412019372 | t3_2hsrix | t5_2to41 | -56 | MuffDiving: Thanks for bringing sooo much clarity to my life
[deleted]: You are an idiot
spiegro: Did you forget which sub you're commenting in? You tool.
[deleted]: Hey idiot, OP claimed his FU was due to being on camera that his dad would be able to see, however if you read his post you'll note that he thinks his father will find it more funny than a problem. My comment was due to the overall way OP described the situation and himself. But since you are obviously a pot smoking loser yourself, you are probably too high to grasp this simple observation
spiegro: > I don't think he's going to be mad but this is going to be petty fucking funny when he stumbles across the weird shit I was doing at 2 am last night.
I love that you're so stupid that your excuse for ridiculing a random person on the internet for their life choices was incorrect.
Also, can confirm, totally sober and at work, trolling the idiots on Reddit.
But I'm smart enough to know how to use correct punctuation and grammar.
pow
[deleted]: You're at *work* and on Reddit.
Thanks for proving my point you fucking imbecile.
spiegro: Wait, you're American right? It's during business hours?
Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle.
[deleted]: Fuckhead.. yeah you. ..I own a business and only have to be there twice a week because I'm smarter than you are.
spiegro: You must be talking to someone else.
Why you gotta be so ruu-uude?
Don't you know I'm human too-oo?
| 9 | -6.222222 | |
1412005177 | 1412091425 | t3_2hsnq2 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Omicron34: TIFU by hooking up at Homecoming
Tl;Dr: hooked up with a girl, avoided me the rest of the night.
We had our Homecoming dance over this past weekend, and I attended this dance with a group friends, including a date. Fast forward to the actual dance, one of my buddies tells me I should go dance with my date. I tell him that we are going as friends, and there would be no point for me to dance with her. He told me it doesn't matter, maybe something can happen. So after a few minutes of going back and forth, I finally go and dance with her. Our location in the gym is probably the worst place we can possibly stand to dance. We wer dancing roughly 10 feet away from the stage, and the stage has the highest traffic of people. So as I'm trying to dance with my "date", there are people dancing into us, bumping, running into. It was a mess, and I don't do well with crowds. So I finally tell her I have to grab a drink. As I'm walking over to grab a drink, I spot this girl in an orange dress, and I instantly thought holy shit, I'm gonna dance with her. I took my bud's advice, thinking what could go wrong?I approach her, she's with a group of her friends, and I ask her where's your date? She tells me she doesn't have one, and I'm thinking here's my chance. I follow up with asking her to dance with me, and she's hesitant at first. Her friends encourage her to dance with me and after a few minutes of dancing, I decided I would kiss her. It lasts for about half a minute, while her friends were all cheering, and she looks up and walks away to her friends. At this point, I was partially in shock of how well that turned out, and as I look to talk to her, she's gone. I asked one of her friends what happened and she told me that she is very shy. I thinking that, oh she's just shy, everything is fine. After about 20 minutes, we still haven't spoken, and I was looking for her. I approach her friend and ask where she was. She responds by saying that she feels like it was awkward, and at this point I find out from her friend that she had never kissed a guy before, and that she had been seeing another guy.asts till the end of the night, and she avoided me the entire night. None of her friends know what she's thinking, and I'm just as confused.
[deleted]: >I'm just as confused
Welcome to the world of women, you'll never understand a damn bit of it
HankMardewkus: Welcome the world of people. FTFY. This isn't just a problem specific to women.
[deleted]: It is in the context of this TIFU
HankMardewkus: Not at all. There are two sides to this story. I bet that girl was also thinking what the actual fuck is happening. OP did say she was sort of awkward; she could have been thinking all sorts of things.
50_Trails_Of_Snails: Damn girls right? Thinking too many things at once! Such multi-taskers
HankMardewkus: Literally don't even understand how they do it.
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1412006961 | 1412194584 | t3_2hsqta | t5_2to41 | 2 | squaredoo: TIFU by letting USPS ship my iPhone 6
... and they lost it.
To make it clear, I received it (VA) then send it again to my friend (NY) on 9/19. Still in transit since 9/22. After many calls, emails, and store visits, today I received an email that they lost it, and I can start asking for the insurance amount ($50).
Notes:
- I am not good at writing and English is not my native language.
- iPhone 6 - Gold - 64GB - T-Mobile (Unlocked) - $789 (including tax)
- Shipped with USPS - Two days priority mail - $7
any help/suggestions ?
Kazataniplayer: Why even get an iPhone 6? It's super fucking expensive and extremely fragile.
Dipppy: Let people decide on their preference.
Damn, try and call them and see if they can find it. :(
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409591062 | 1409611064 | t3_2f6jpz | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by saving leaked celebrity nudes
I’m pretty sure most of you know what I'm talking about when I say that, so I’ll just jump right into the story. After I heard about the leaked celebrity nudes being taken down from lots of websites, I decided I should save them to my phone for... *later use.* So I saved the pictures to “My Files" on my S5. Later that day, my phone stopped sending messages to certain people, and I couldn’t figure out why, so I let my parents take a look at it. My dad thought it might be because I had too many apps open,and this is where I had fucked up. I thought I was pretty clever, saving the pictures to my files rather than my gallery, but I forgot to close the file app, so when he went into task manager mode, there, in all it's glory, was a file full of nude celebrity pictures, for both of my parents to see. TL;DR- Saved leaked celebrity nudes, parents saw, got grounded
EDIT: Why am I being downvoted so much?
Murican_deal_with_it: Get the app 'KeepSafe' saved my ass more than once.
Midnightbacon101: KeepSafe? What’s that?
Murican_deal_with_it: It will hide any picture on you phone in a vault. Only a password will open said vault. I got all the celeb leaks hidden. :)
Midnightbacon101: Noice! Too bad my phone got taken away shortly after this happened. I’ll remember this comment though
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1409592055 | 1409611327 | t3_2f6l0u | t5_2to41 | 292 | Slow_WhiteGuy: TIFU by posting a selfie where I (m) seem to have cleavage
This might be the first time that some posts a TIFU about posting a TIFU?
So yesterday I posted a snapchat that my exgirlfriend had screenshoted, where drunken me asked her to get back together while making a duckface. Apparently, it looks like I have cleavage on that picture, so now my friends are making fun of me for reddit making fun of me.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2f4jgy/tifu_by_sending_this_to_my_ex/
TIFU by posting a TIFU
edit: proof that I have no cleavage http://imgur.com/0w4e5Un
PM_ME_IF_YOURE_DUTCH: no cleavage...sure...sure.
Slow_WhiteGuy: Dude, if you see any cleavage on that picutre, you have lived a sad life
PM_ME_IF_YOURE_DUTCH: I know...:( does the fact that i'm a girl and just jealous make it sadder?
lareon: You are both female, so you got stuff to talk about :) I sense the beginning of a wonderfull friendship.
YCYC: r/twoxchromosomes
[deleted]: where is /r/twoychromosomes?
computerarchitect: That's impossible.
duckvimes_: Not possible, you say?
Not with that attitude.
| 9 | 32.444444 | |
1411391487 | 1411437537 | t3_2h4g18 | t5_2to41 | 6,383 | jpstudly: TIFU by letting a feminist parent bring in snacks to my 2nd grade class. NSFW
DISCLAIMER: **This is a friend's story** and she isn't a redditor but I begged her to let me post it from the perspective that she told the story in. Also I apologize, I'm not a writer.
I am currently a second grade teacher at a public school. I have a wonderful class and I like to reward them when they have a good week by having volunteer parents bring in snacks (I.E. cookies, candy, granola etc.) provided the parent keeps them hypoallergenic. This week our volunteer parent, who we will refer to as Autumn Lily Speaker (not far from her actual name) told me on Wednesday that she will be preparing cookies for the class and is 'excited for this opportunity'. Thinking nothing of it, I thanked her and marked it off my weekly to-do list.
So Friday rolls around and the kids are excited. Autumn Lily Speaker comes into the classroom with a pan full of treats and brings them to me and says with a smile "I decided you can use these to teach the kids about the woman's vagina today". Baffled and completely caught off guard I slowly peel the aluminum foil off the pan to behold a plethora of sugar cookie and frosting vaginas. Not just any old vagina, but ALL KINDS OF VAGINAS. There were small, puffy, white, brown, shaved, bald, and even a fire crotch with beef curtains. perplexed I give the parent the most professional look I can muster and quietly reply "I'm sorry Autumn, but I can't give these to my students. This just isn't appropriate."
**cue angry radical feminist**
Autumn bursts with the fury of a thousand angry Andrea Dworkin's and starts yelling in front of the class about how 'I should be proud of my vagina' and 'I am settling for a women's role in life'. Utterly bemused and frozen from shock all I can do is stand and stare at the woman as the word 'vagina' is yelled in front of my second grade class about 987,000 times. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, she storms out of the class leaving her vagina cookies on my desk. I scramble to collect my thoughts and take control of the situation before my second graders develop vaginal PTSD. My only thought is to scrape off the vagina frosting and hand out the plain sugar cookies to my students.
The rest of my day went quite well and ended without a incident. I sent my kiddos home and started wrapping up work and getting ready to leave when the phone rings and a bewildered parent wants to know why their son learned the word 'vagina' in class today I answer the best I can explaining the situation in the most professional manner possible. I get about 3 more phone calls and 4 emails until I get it, the mother of all emails... Autumn's.
Autumn's email (screenshots)
http://imgur.com/a/Kb7Zx
tl;dr - *Radical crazy women who thinks she is a feminist* parent brings in vagina cookies, parents are mad, domestic violence wished upon me
[Narrated](https://m.youtube.com/watch?index=50&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6&v=opYNxXxHgwE) courtesy of /u/Cyae1
**Edit: For clarity, this was a friend, and she took it up with the school's administration who is taking appropriate action**
**Edit2: This is not meant to be an attack on feministic idealism, it just has to do with a single radical feminist who lost her cool. Feminism is about gender equality and shouldn't be grouped with off the wall people like this.**
**Edit3: No longer referring to Autumn as a feminist because she isn't. She's just bat shit crazy**
**Edit4: TIFU by not knowing how to turn off my push notifications for my mobile app.**
**UPDATE!: I got a hold of my friend and asked her a couple questions about the incident so here are the main points.**
* The kid was removed from class by the parent and moved to a private school
* The parent is no longer allowed on district property
* School administration refused to answer whether or not they were taking action
* No pictures were taken of the cookies
* No action was taken against my friend, administration deemed she handled it professionally
* The cookies were actually pretty good
BabyBison: I can't believe she hoped your friend would end up with an abusive husband who beats her. I may not be well-informed on feminism but I thought the point was to prevent abuse and unfair treatment toward women. Also, if the cookies had frosting-drawn penises...
Edit: Thank you all for reassuring me that the woman who brought in vaginal cookies is NOT a feminist.
ILoveLamp9: To be honest, I kinda wanna know how the cookies tasted for some reason.
CakiePamy: She made it with her own yeast.
SweetzDeetz: **ಠ_ಠ**
FuriousTarts: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
lico5512: ( ͡°╭͜ʖ╮͡° )
DescendsTheBlade: ( __ ͡°╭͜ ʖ╮͡° _ )
How much fatter can he get!?
lico5512: You really wanna know ( ° ͜ ʖ °)
banana_slap: (｡ŏ_ŏ)
Where did his eyebrows go?
lico5512: What you say fool? (ง ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)ง
banana_slap: (๑و•̀ω•́)و
I said where did his eyebrows go.
lico5512: Oh, really └@(･___･)@┐
banana_slap: 凸(>皿<)凸
YES.
lico5512: We can be friends ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮
banana_slap: ╭∩╮ (o_o )
lico5512: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
banana_slap: (｡•́︿•̀｡)
lico5512: o&lt;|:{(&gt;
banana_slap: (ˉ(∞)ˉ)
| 20 | 319.15 | |
1409592836 | 1409594934 | t3_2f6mas | t5_2to41 | 136 | allyjayrey: TIFU by drinking am entire pot of coffee right before giving a two hour deep tissue massage. (I am a Licensed Massage Therapist)
It all started because I could not sleep last night, I have periodic bouts of insomnia, and last night was the beginning of one such battle. In either case, I had to be up at 5 am, therefore sleep aids were out of the question, so I decided to woman up and just pull an all nighter/all day. I took my multivitamin and a fat burner pill, and drank 3 cups of coffee, took 2 caffeine pills, and pulled through to 6. At this point I was succumbing to the yawns so I drank about 4 more cups of coffee, ate a bagel and went my merry way to work. As a massage therapist I happen to work at a well known spa, and am considered very good at what I do. However, this morning I had an 8 am two hour couples deep tissue, and right as I walked in, I could feel my stomach begin to cramp, my butt cheeks began to clench, and so I held that position... for the remaining 2 hrs. Meanwhile, my fat burning pill is causing me to sweat profusely, my body is contorted into the most uncomfortable, keep my butt cheeks closed position possible, all while I am trying to do a deep tissue massage on a, wait for it, body builder.
Gradually little farts escape and the clinic room begins to stink, my stomach is making audible angry noises, and I am starting to feel light headed and see little black spots.
I finally make it to the half way point, and am channeling the spirit of the little engine that could, I think I can, I think I can!
All I can think about it letting go, counting down the minutes until I can finally use the restroom.
50 to go.
30.
10.
5.
And right at the end, with only 3 minutes to go. I sit myself. And my client knows, I know, the other therapist knows...
And now I am sitting in shame in the restroom, trying to figure my next move out. Waiting for my bf to bring me pants.
Tldr: massage therapist drank lots of coffee, did two hr massage, shit pants at end, then shame.
ChooseWisely72: I understand your dedication to your profession. But I wouldn't have been offended if you said "Can you excuse me for 5 minutes" and then just extend the massage on the back end. You're human, you do have to use the bathroom every day.
allyjayrey: I wish our spa manager was as understanding.
Edit: a therapist was recently fired for ending a session early due to morning sickness.
Natasha10005: That's awful. Well maybe this will teach her to let people go to the damn bathroom. I don't think someone shitting themselves while giving me a massage would be very good for business.
| 4 | 34 | |
1411714006 | 1411758224 | t3_2hi9w4 | t5_2to41 | 7,486 | Red-Rise: TIFU- By Giving a Homeless Man about $500
So I am inspired by someone else's TIFU about giving a homeless man money. I too have a story from a couple years back where I FU'd.
I was in college and it was my junior year. I owned this really cool car that I had purchased in cash but in order to get the cash, I borrowed part of the money from family friends. Every month I would pay back some of the loaned money (about 200/mo) and, per the rules of the contract, I would bring that money in cash and visit with them.
So one afternoon when I didn't have class, I went to go run some errands and pay off these fine folks. I needed gas so I went to a gas station to fill up. I saw a beggar next to the entrance of the convenience store and I thought it would be good to get him something to eat and drink. So while my car is filling up, I go inside and purchase a coke and sandwich. When I exit the convenience store to bring the food to the guy, he's gone. I looked around but he had left. A little disappointed, I get in my car and toss the grocery bag into the passenger seat. I figured I could give it to someone else.
I had some extra money from working and figured I would give these family friends two car payments. So I withdrew $500 which was enough for two car payments and some extra cash for...stuff that has to be paid for in cash. That cash was given to me by the bank in a white envelope. I tossed the envelope into the passenger seat next to me.
So I pull up to an intersection and perfect! another homeless beggar. So I honk my horn and he comes over to my car. My light turns green so I tell him God Bless and hand him the lunch and go on my way. I glance over at the passenger seat and realizes the money is gone and perfectly timed! I look into my side view mirror to see the guy pulling the envelope out of the grocery bag. I had tossed the envelope into the lunch bag.
So I quickly U-turn and park my car across from the intersection and run over to him. He's already counting the money, sees me, and starts running. So here I am chasing a homeless man for money and yelling at him. I feel terrible but I've got to have that money so I chase him for a couple blocks and finally tackle him in the median of another intersection. So people are getting out of their cars and shit and trying to see what is going on and I'm on top of this old man saying, "Give me my money! I didn't mean to give it to you!" and he starts crying.
So then all these people start pulling me off of him and the homeless guy is saying I gave him money and then changed my mind. I look like a total dick but I try explaining my situation and this woman is calling the police but I see my envelope in the guy's hand and so I quickly grabbed it. Some guy tried to grab hold of me but I kind of sort of hit him and ran. I ran like hell back to my car and took off but it just looked like I had just assaulted people.
I ended up driving around for an hour to get my wits and go to pay off my car. I never heard from the police.
dray0: You may have looked like an asshole, but i can guarantee any of those other people would have done the same in your situation.
HakushiBestShaman: What gets me is the number of people who chased after him because he gave the homeless guy food and money, and wanted his money back.
Those people were "protecting" the homeless guy, but I guarantee they didn't give him shit.
[deleted]: If you saw a guy rip an envelope of money out of a homeless guy's hands and you had no idea he really did accidentally give it to him would you not try and stop him?
gonejellyfishin77: No. Most homeless people choose to be homeless. They know how to juke the system. They rip people off. They do not deserve our pity. If I saw a homeless person with $500 I would assume he stole it. That's what they do. We need to stop treating homeless people like stray dogs. You can't just give them a home to fix them.
SomeDonkus1: > We need to stop treating homeless people like stray dogs.
Good idea, let's start treating them like human beings and give them the basic respect they deserve. Nobody deserves to live on the street without basic human needs.
> If I saw a homeless person with $500 I would assume he stole it. That's what they do.
If you're American, then you might be familiar with some of the principles this country was founded on. The big one here is "Innocent before proven guilty."
Stickybomber: Can't tell if you are trolling or not, and though your comments are noble by intent and nice to want to believe, that isn't how the world works my friend.
SomeDonkus1: You do realize that there are programs in Salt Lake City that give homeless people homes and then give them treatment for their issues?
Stickybomber: Living in the San fransisco Bay Area I am very aware of the options available to the homeless. Which only reinstates that most homeless people are there by choice and their own actions. There are plenty of programs that will provide food, shelter, education, and work opportunities. This is why I don't feel sorry for them
D3ATHbyBIGmac: If you gave a homeless person the choice of living in a house or on the street, I'm 100% sure they would choose the house. No one in their right mind wants to live on the street.
Stickybomber: Most of them do take up a bed in a shelter at night. By definition they are still homeless, as that bed is not guaranteed to them but the majority will get it. That is, around here anyway.
They choose not to work. They choose to beg on the streets because actually they can make a decent, livable wage doing so. Some street beggars in San Francisco make well over minimum wage. Its a choice they have, considering the options available.
D3ATHbyBIGmac: I think having a house to live in is valued higher than making minimum wage by begging on the street. So if you were to give some homeless person a house and help them with their issues, they would definitely take that over living in a box.
Stickybomber: Sure, if you spoon fed them. The point is that they aren't going to work for it. Fuck, I would take a house if you are giving them away!
| 13 | 575.846154 | |
1411130512 | 1411154005 | t3_2gutt9 | t5_2to41 | 3,364 | MommyL: TIFU by offering to share porn with my 14 year old son
This morning at the gas station a cute guy got out the car in front of us and I said 'ohhhh', my daughter looked up from her book and had the same reaction. I asked her if she could tell that he is gay and my son said that it was obvious. Jokingly I remarked that it would have been funny if my son had said ohhh as well.
My son is 14 years old and at his age insinuating that he might be gay is a big deal to him. His friend was in the car as well and I could see that my son was embarrassed by my comment so I tried to rectify it. It just went downhill from there.
Without thinking I said
'I'm kidding, I know you're not gay because I've seen your porn search history'
His eyes widened and I should have stopped there but I just kept digging myself into a bigger hole.
‘I saw that you like big breasts, so you are clearly not gay’
My son cringed, so once again trying to fix it...
‘Its ok sweetie, you don’t have to be embarrassed, everyone watches porn, even mommy has a porn stash’.
By this point he was visibly upset and my last attempt to rescue the situation was
‘Baby it’s fine, I will show you my porn’
By this point I realized that it would be better if I just kept quiet.
We drove the rest of the way in silence.
Edit: Thank you kind donator for the Reddit Gold. You're awesome.
torontohs: You're an idiot and so is your son. At 14, I wasn't a homophobe.
MommyL: He is not a homophobe.
He is afraid of being perceived as gay because of other homophobes.
Edited: spelling
torontohs: So, he's a coward then. I wouldn't have cared if someone thought me gay, as I don't consider it an insult and I wouldn't have stood for any of my friends having a problem with me being gay, if I were.
You're teaching your son to take the easy way out and pretend to be a homophobe in order to fit in. That fitting in is more important than being a good person, with principles and the courage to stand up for what's right.
luckycynic: We didn't all go to school where 'one could not stand for things' without 'one getting the crap kicked out of one's self.'
Wonder t'were possible one could empathise with gay people, promote their equal rights and have nothing in the slightest against them, yet not wish our children suffer because of the ignorance of children less civilised than thine own'
For is it really cowardice to be more than willing to risk one's self, but not risk one's offspring?
torontohs: Re-read my post so that you understand it, then don't try to speak in what you think is old english. Perhaps then I might take you seriously.
luckycynic: I understood it perfectly, and why would I care if you took me seriously? You seem to be a judgemental idiot.
torontohs: why would I care if you took me seriously? You seem to be a judgemental idiot
Funny that you keep posting. If you don't care what I think about you, do you not think that I probably don't care what some random, overly angry lsoer on the internet cares about me?
Take care, shit for brains!
luckycynic: Sweet irony you misspelling so many words in a post where you call me shit for brains.
torontohs: Miss-typing, one word. You're dumb.
luckycynic: Oh, you're back. I thought you were going, what with you telling me to take care. One word you weren't quick enough to notice before you edited your post. You should be congratulated; you're definitely not an idiot.
torontohs: Remember when you stood up for being a homophobic coward?! LOL!
Basically you said, "I was a super pussy in highschool got bullied because of it and never opened my mouth because I live in fear. The internet is the only place I have any balls."
Now all you have is typing mistakes.
You're a bitch.
luckycynic: Remember when you criticised me for being presumptuous? I never said I personally went to a school where there was any fear of violence, I didn't; I understand not every child is as lucky as I was though. I understand that some children go through enough at school already, and that being persecuted for being homosexuals by ignorant children, on top of everything else they're going through, might break them. I know that the opinion of idiotic people such as yourself can be nothing but detrimental, and I know all this because I teach.
You can call me what you wish; it wasn't me that called a mother and her child cowards, knowing nothing at all about either of them.
torontohs: tl;dr.
Your replies are retarded, so in order to seem liek less of a total pussy, moron, say less. One to two words should suffice to be in lien with the poor content of your posts.
luckycynic: I bet it's nearer to, 'too long; can't read'...because you're a moron
Here's two words:
Like*
Line*
To seem like less of a retard, type better.
torontohs: Nope, it's too long;didn't read. See how the first letter after semicolon is a d and not a c? Yaaa....
Today you learned...
Why are you such a pussy? Who hurt you?
luckycynic: Did you turn this account into a troll account because you realised you weren't smart enough to actually contribute opinions that aren't exceptionally stupid?
I mean, you start off criticising homophobic people, a true egalitarian voice, then continue on to calling strangers pussies. It's ok, you can take our your rage and frustration at being stupid on me. I find your responses entertaining. It's like watching a child respond to logic they can't refute; you don't like it so I must be a pussy, not a big, super-tough adult like you.
torontohs: I'm actually done with you, you're boring now. Bye!
PS: tl;dr, we already spoke about this, shorten that shit to reflect the content, <3 words.
luckycynic: It makes sense you'd want me to use fewer words; less chance you'll come across one you'll have to look up I guess.
Bye imbecile. Here's hoping you manage to stay gone. People like you just can't stand having the last word so I'm not convinced you'll make it; it's like you think a lot of retarded comments equate to one worth while.
| 19 | 177.052632 | |
1411774648 | 1411925034 | t3_2hko65 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By loaning my friends porn filled psp then loaning it to my crush
This happened a few years ago back in my sophomore year of high school. My psp had recently broke and my generous friend, having two leant me his. Around the time I finally started talking to my crush, her and I challenged each other on any psp or ds games as we could. At some point she showed me this cool new japanese battle game she recently downloaded. I asked if she could download it to my (I didn't want to sound poor so I said it was mine) psp. I never checked it out but it had a 32gb memory card, which I was sure must have had some free space for the game.
The next day I see her she has a blank look on her face and gives me my psp and says "I couldn't."
Then walks away. I thought she might have been tired so I let it go. The next day I try to download it myself but see that the memory card is full. I go in to see if there was any usless things to delete to clear up space and.... porn. Lots and lots of porn. But not just any normal vanilla porn. Nope. Videos upon videos of big black dick porn, africa wild porn, ass parade, ass utopia, orgies, and etc.
I deleted all of it but to this day I never gave that kid back his psp
TL;DR: borrowed friends psp, played games with my crush, said it was mine and ask her to download her cool game, she gives it back the next day with a weird look, I find out it was filled with porn.
Devil45: There's no way your didn't know porn was there.
to_shy_to_ask: Well like, I only played physical copies of games. I saved them the the memory card but it only shows games saved not videos when you save. Plus I didn't have it for that long so it's not like I went through every file
| 3 | 2 | |
1411560081 | 1412010432 | t3_2hbm49 | t5_2to41 | 7 | coldshowerwank: TIFU by having a sank while taking a cold shower
Today I fucked up because of a series of small things which all lined up to fuck me over. You could say the universe aligned today to fuck me over.
I used to be a serial wanker but lately I have controlled myself to one wank a week and today just so happened to be wank day. I am also extremely prone to muscle cramps and I have always had them since i was in the beginning of high school. Also the shower happens to be right next to my parents bedroom so the door to it is always unlocked and I have become accustomed to not locking it because I thought why would they ever come in when I am showering I mean its pretty obvious when someone is taking a shower.
So I finish my intense workout which i got from reddit http://i.imgur.com/dM3loI5.jpg , i decide to take a cold shower because i read that its good after workouts. Now cold showers are a dick to have so I thought why not enjoy my shower with a wank.
I step into the shower with my iPod comfortably nestled in my left hand playing an amazing clip while my right hand is at you know where. Now every guy who has watched porn knows you sometimes shake from the excitement. So my whole body begins to shiver like never before, the cold water plus the porn turned me into a human vibrator.
A few seconds into this shit my right calf muscle lets me down followed by my left calf muscle both cramping undoubtedly because of all the shaking I am doing, falling backwards breaking the flimsy soap bar holder along the way braking the fall with my hands. My mum bursts in through the unlocked door to witness my beautiful body and my slightly erected penis. Mean while my iPod is casually playing the porn clip beside me taunting me as if it knows full well what it is doing. A deep silence fell with the only noise from the cold water hitting the cheap ceramic tiles. Adding to the awkwardness of the situation I attempt to assure her with a pathetic sentence that doesn't even make sense "I fine".
Now not only am i shaking uncontrollably with the worst pain imaginable in my legs, i begin to feel a huge wave of embarrassment hitting me. Her mortified face staring back at me penerates inside me. But somehow she then decides to do the only thing possible that does not make my predicament any worse, she turns then leaves.
Of course I wasn't fine and it would be another minute before the muscle cramp subsided enough for me to get up. So now i am just sitting in bed typing this crap to you peoples, and contemplating about life. Its past the time she usually calls me out for dinner and I haven't had dinner yet. btw my parents are asian and christian....
PlentyofFishinthePee: > "btw my parents are asian and christian...."
That one line made the whole story. I don't even know what being Asian has to do with masturbation, but it just *sounds* like it would make it more awkward.
BBBulldog: mom might offer to wank him off for good grades :)
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411608574 | 1411680124 | t3_2he07j | t5_2to41 | 738 | -justifiedthrowaway-: TIFU: and I may never masturbate, let alone have sex ever again. [NSFW]
So, I have a reputation of being a bad luck brian. A few weeks ago, i had a fruit fly problem in the apartment. I made vinegar traps and took care of it. Now Today, my roommate left for the night and I decided to have some fun-time with a fleshlight for the first time in a while. Took it out of the pirate treasure chest I keep it in (srsly), cleaned some dust off the front, lubed up and went to town. Nothing unusual so far.
I am very good about cleaning after the fact: take it to a sink, use foam cleaner, wash it outside and inside, dry the outside, a light dusting with fleshlight powder (cornstarch) to keep it "lifelike," let it sit outside the case to airdry for a couple hours because you can't really get in there to dry the inside and if the cap is on the hardcase there's not enough airflow, then put back together and away.
Well I went to clean this particular day, and then I found out the last time I had done this must have been a few weeks ago around the same time as the fruit fly problem. I pulled the sleeve out of the case, and it was covered in maggots. Mostly dead, hard, stuck to the outside of the sleeve maggots. It looked like I had basted it with egg and dipped it in rice. The sleeve had small spots of dark discoloration from where the trapped, starving maggots had apparently begun eating into the sleeve.
I quickly began trying to wash as many of these things down the sink as possible so as not to let any survivors of this accidental Kodoku remain. Afterwards I threw the sleeve away because duh. The hard plastic containment case cleaned off easily enough and I kept it because I have another sleeve, and god dammit it did its job like a champ.
And then the time came for me to shower, and... you know... check. Because you can't not check. You have to. How could anyone live the rest of their life not knowing?
So, I'm a grow-er not a show-er. I look down at my now flacid thumb-size self. I keep the grass short, dark hair on fair skin, still a little red from recent activity but otherwise okay. And then, I lifted to look under. And on one long hair, sticking out to the right, somehow missed by my trimmer, at the very edge: I see a maggot lift up and begin crawling back down the hair towards me. And into the shower I went.
Even though I saved the case and have another sleeve, I don't know if I can ever use one again. Sex is off the table for a while because what kind of rat bastard could ever inflict that on another person? I may be forever unclean.
readitredditwroteit: Holy shit, I didn't realize flesh lights were so high maintenance. Oh, sorry to hear about your dick, I would say disinfect with an antiseptic (like Listerine) but that might hurt
[deleted]: Yeah they are. That's why I just build my own with a soup can, two sponges, some duct tape, and a powder free latex glove .
readitredditwroteit: Why not just simplify your life and use your hand
DrGaren: Its all about realism.
darthrich: So... For realism you fuck something that looks like a torch?
Schen5s: Hey! That could be someone's fetish. There are people making love to the Eiffel tower, why not a torch
KelTobano: You mean the French?
| 8 | 92.25 | |
1411714337 | 1411756411 | t3_2hiaa5 | t5_2to41 | 26 | retardedxdinosaur: TIFU by falling for a girl.
This happened about 6 years ago, but today is her birthday and I can't sleep... I have never told this story to anyone before. I hope you fellow redditors can be sympathetic.
I'm a girl. In high school, I met a girl, we'll call her 'P,' in class and became good friends with her. She had a crush on my brother, so it seemed like she was always around. After a few months of class, she got my number from my brother and we started texting all day and night. She would call me 'cute' or 'sexy' and get upset when I didn't text her back fast enough, or she would text me that she's mad when she sees me talking to someone else at school. Yeah, looking back, it was pretty obvious what P was doing, but I didn't think anything of it because I was simply too innocent at that time to think it was more than just a friendship.
When she missed class one day, she asked me to bring her the homework she had missed. She told me to come around 7 because she would be home alone. Again, didn't think anything of it. We talked some, and when I got up to leave, she took my keys and put it in her back pocket. We wrestled, her lips were centimeters away from mine; I left, still not thinking into it. More flirty texts and phone calls. But I have had boyfriends and crushes on boys all my life, surely I wasn't into girls. Surely.
The next time that I went over to her house, she pushed me against the wall and passionately kissed me. Her arms around my neck. Her body pushed up against mine. I was flustered. After that, I could not go a day without imagining her kissing me and eventually we started dating in secret since both of us came from very strict families and cultures.
It was exhilarating to date a girl. It was fun to have to think of creative ways to meet or to be alone. My heart was pounding every time I was around her. We would sneak into the bathroom together to give each other a quick hug or a peck on the cheek. Innocent high school relationship stuff. Then, it escalated. I was over at her house one day, and she unzips her jeans, takes my hand, and puts it between her and her underwear. She looks up at me with a smirk and says, "finger me." I was scared. I was a virgin and had never done anything with a guy... nevertheless a girl. She squeezes my hand and nods. She gave me instructions on what to do as if she had read instructions or have had done this many times before. It was full blown sex after sex after that when I came over. Sneaky fingering on the band buses in the dark while driving back from football games or competitions. Sexting and deleting them. Sending each other love songs. Writing love notes and sneaking them into each others' pockets or lockers. She would cook for me even though she didn't know how. She asked me if we could move in together once we both left for college, and I agreed. She asked if I saw myself being with her forever, and I said yes. Guys, I was madly in love with this girl. It didn't matter that she was a girl, I just loved this beautiful and caring person. Think about your first love, how innocent it was, and how you thought you were going to be with him/her forever... that's how I felt about P.
We dated for about 6 months. We were both so happy, so in love. Then, rumors started up at church and at school. Her family started restricting her from seeing me, took up her phone, grounded her from the computer. Friends at school avoided us and some confronted us about rumors, though we continued to lie and deny all of it.
One day, she texted me that she loved me but she was sorry and that she had to do it. I asked her what she meant, and what had happened. No response. A few days later, her mom texted me and told me to stop bothering her or else she would call the cops and get a restraining order on me. I asked what P had told her. P's mom told me that P said I forced her to be in a relationship with me and forced her to do all the physical stuff we had done in the relationship and that she had never loved me, that I made that all up in my head. That I was abusive and crazy. I cried for days...weeks... Not because she had to say all that to avoid her mom resenting her, but I was heartbroken that she denied that she had ever loved me. Still to this day, I sometimes cry thinking about her.
Now I'm in a loving relationship with a man. But often, I think about her and what could have been.
TLDR: Fell in love with a girl. She told her mom I forced her to be in a relationship with me. Her mom said she would call the cops and get a restraining order. In a relationship with a great man now, but still think about her.
[deleted]: Anyone else get a boner reading this?
retardedxdinosaur: You're welcome!
[deleted]: Any chance for picks?
Nice finger bang description btw
Pick234: Did you ask for pick?
PM_ME_SPACE_PICS: Yes
Pick234: Well how do, I'm pick :)
| 7 | 3.714286 | |
1412010952 | 1412107016 | t3_2hsy1e | t5_2to41 | 480 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping in the same room as my parents.
Well, this didn't happen today, but over 7 years ago...
A bit of a background: I've been living in UK for over 7 years now (I'm 19 now). So this happened when I was 12. I came to visit my dad (as he was working here for two years), so we had to stay in the same room (which he was renting in a flat of 4 people). I slept on a mattress a meter or so away from my parents' mattress.
During one night I was staying there, I woke up in the middle of the night... I woke up to the sounds of my parents having sex. And they weren't quite finished yet. I could hear my mother moan, I could hear them whispering to each other something along the lines of ''You go on top now''... I could hear the 'squirting' (I have no clue how to describe this sound... of my father's penis). I also hear the sound of my mother giving my father a blow job.
All this lasted over half an hour... I was unable to fall asleep. The mattress was very uncomfortable, so I was forced to very, very slowly move my body from lying on one side to the other... Every couple of minutes in that 30 minutes or so. I had to pretend to be asleep and move as quietly and slowly as possible.
I should also mention my mother telling my father to be quiet or else we'll wake him(me) up... Yeah.
This all still feels like it happened yesterday.
ShareTheSameSky: The word you're looking for is "sloshing"
seaslugs: Like stirring mac and cheese.
ShokoFlow: Like pudding in a boot
Sunfeaster: Like a pocket of warm spaghetti.
zman0900: *Mom's spaghetti*
Trib3tim3: He's nervous
BlackMathNerd: But on the surface he looks calm and ready
kevincjvalles: To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
woflcopter: What he wrote down
kevincjvalles: The whole crowd goes so loud
| 11 | 43.636364 | |
1412010641 | 1412119215 | t3_2hsxet | t5_2to41 | 9 | throwfowshow: TIFU by giving myself a facial.
Fapping away to porn, and the moment approaches. I gasp as I orgasm and get a load of my own cum in my mouth and in my eye... So unclean... Cannot wash away the shame...
[deleted]: *Cannot wash away the shame...*
What the hell is there to be ashamed of? Having that kind of range is impressive.
warsaw504: Bruh no
KyleAnvilSlinger: You are no brother of him and yes that range is impressive
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411699651 | 1411802067 | t3_2hhrim | t5_2to41 | 63 | rakishscarf: TIFU by going to the washroom commando
It's 10pm at night and I'm using the washroom before I go to bed. Once I flush the toilet I realize my manhood is poking up, and is undeniably visible in my loose pjs. Great, I thought I'd just wait until it went down before I went outside, but then my wife starts knocking on the door saying she's been waiting forever for me to flush. She starts to get mad..
I stand there trying to think of a productive excuse to stay in longer while she's yelling and getting mad at me. All I can think of to say is, "JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE!"
Then finally when she continues to yell I open the door wide open pelvis out arms wide and scream, "THERE, ARE YA HAPPY?"
Turns out my son was up late watching cartoons and she had been waiting with him to brush his teeth for bed, I quickly rushed into my room silently and face-planted into my pillow for at least 20 minutes. Today is a day he will not forget.
yikingyocks: hah thanks for the laugh
what country are you from? I ask because "washroom"
TheGwolo: that's what everyone calls it. is...isnt it?
Teotwawki69: I read washroom and immediately thought it happened at work before I read the story. So maybe it's an American thing that "washroom" is generally not located in the home, while a bathroom can be anywhere indoors. (We have more colorful names for outdoor/freestanding bathrooms.)
glottal__stop: As an American, I have never seen or heard the term "washroom" here. Public facilities are labeled "restrooms," but most everyone just calls them "bathrooms" or they say that they need to pee or take a dump. Some women say "little girl's room" instead.
Teotwawki69: I'm American as well, and while "bathroom" and "restroom" are a lot more common, when an American says "washroom" I only hear it as describing the facilities at work or in a public building. Admittedly, it's rare, but it also never, ever applies to the bathroom in a private home, hotel room, or any place where someone might usually sleep.
glottal__stop: I'm just curious, what region do you live in? I'm in the Midwest.
Teotwawki69: Southwest.
| 8 | 7.875 | |
1409728899 | 1409745975 | t3_2fc62m | t5_2to41 | 13,296 | uteruinestench: TIFU by letting my boyfriend finger me
EDIT: [Update here.] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2feoep/tifupdate_tifu_by_letting_my_boyfriend_finger_me/)
It was supposed to be romantic. It was our last night together before he left on a plane, not to see me for months, and we were about to get groovy.
We were under the stars, kissing and holding each other and spending a long time on the perfect foreplay. It was fucking amazing. We were ready to fuck like animals and to make sweet love all at once.
We were naked and touching each other to build up suspense, and he began to finger me hard, leaving me moaning, but with an... odd... sensation as well.
"There's something inside you," he said.
"There's nothing, don't stop," I replied, uneasily.
"No, there's something inside you. It feels plastic."
Horror chills my veins. It had been about two weeks since my period. But I knew then that I had left my menstrual cup (basically a plastic cup for blood/period gunk not to be left in longer than 12 hours) in for the past *14 days.*
IDIOTICALLY, I asked him to help me remove it so we could continue. MOTHER OF GOD... it smelled like an eviscerated decomposing body mixed with rotting broccoli, sewage, and rotting eggs ALL IN ONE. And the smell DID NOT GO AWAY. I threw out the cup and its contents, but the stench of 14 day old rotting blood and uterine gunk is not one that fades easily. I could tell my squeamish boyfriend was trying extremely hard not to lose his shit and vomit. But it only got worse from there.
The stench would not leave, and it was coming from my vagina. To try and bring the mood back, I went to the bathroom to try and freshen up. He joined me, perhaps to make me feel less disgusting. Bad idea. With a feeling like an impending queef but somehow *thicker*, my vagina suddenly emptied a massive glob of this filth and it splattered a surprisingly large amount of brown rotted uterine filth all over my poor boyfriend's leg... He practically ran home.
LisaLies: I probably don't need to say this, but you might want to see a doctor about that.
[deleted]: disgusted redditor here.
I also recommend you go see a doctor.
myepicdemise: Redditor with a fetish for brown rotted uterine filth here. I also recommend you to see a doctor.
ethicallychallenged-: Wh...what?
PotatoMurderer: He said:
>Redditor with a fetish for brown rotted uterine filth here. I also recommend you to see a doctor.
lostandlethal: ...no still didn't catch that.
draanexle: HE SAID " REDDITOR WITH A FETISH FOR BROWN ROTTED UTERINE FILTH HERE. I ALSO RECOMMEND YOU TO SEE A DOCTOR."
munyamunyamun: Could you please repeat that
BRBaraka: ~~"REDDITOR WITH A FETISH FOR BROWN ROTTED UTERINE FILTH HERE. I ALSO RECOMMEND YOU TO SEE A DOCTOR."~~
Xexyz128: WHAT!?
[deleted]: > ***REDDITOR WITH A FETISH FOR BROWN ROTTED UTERINE FILTH HERE. I ALSO RECOMMEND YOU TO SEE A DOCTOR.***
louis9612: Why are you whispering, god dammit! All I can hear is ^redditor ^^with ^^^a ^^^^fetish ^^^^^for ^^^^^^brown ^^^^^^^rotted ^^^^^^^^uterine ^^^^^^^^^filth ^^^^^^^^^^here. ^^^^^^^^^^^I ^^^^^^^^^^^^also ^^^^^^^^^^^^^recommend ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^you ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^to ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^see ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^docter.
| 13 | 1,022.769231 | |
1411761865 | 1412012756 | t3_2hk36v | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by having break-up sex
I know a lot of the FUs are about sex nowadays, but this has to be here. Not using a throwaway, because most my friends don't now my account name.
So, on to the story. For the past week and a half I've been dating a rather interesting girl. By interesting, I mean she's a bit wacko. I ended things with her today, but she wouldn't leave my house (I know I sound like a dick, but she wouldn't leave me alone after school.) So, things get heated. I told her we had to stop because I don't have any condoms handy. She said she didn't care, and she continued. This is where I fucked up, we had sex. Unprotected. I came inside her, but only a little. I'm so worried that I could be a father. I'm 17, and that would shit on my life. I fucked up....hard.
shane_w: Sucks bro. It's cool though, you've got the whole rest of your life still.
McMikeHawk: If she becomes pregnant -- I can't even imagine what life will be like.
[deleted]: It's going to be filled with misery and death.
All jokes aside though it's up to you what you make of it. Stay safe, use condoms next time 'cause children cost a lot of moolah, as fun as the little people are. :)
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409596761 | 1409623310 | t3_2f6s8o | t5_2to41 | 26 | SquibCake: TIFU by watching Game of Thrones with my girlfriend on our 6 month anniversary. (SPOILERS)
A day before our anniversary, which was supposed to be a super cuddly event, me and my girlfriend were watching season three of game of thrones and episode 9 (you know which one that is) was coming up. I've seen the series before but for her it's the first time. I hyped the episode, and somehow she hadn't had it spoiled, so a big surprise was coming up!
I promised we'd watch it after a dinner out in town. We cuddled close and I started the episode on VLC. We both were really excited, and I continuously hyped the wedding that was coming up.
When Rains of Castamere started playing, I had the hugest grin on my face, and she was watching intensively. The first crossbow bolt loosened and hit Rob in the chest, and I noticed she got silent, barely breathing. The episode ended and she rolled her head of my chest. I noticed a few wet stains where her head had been and thought fuck, I'm not getting laid on my six month anniversary.
Needless to say, she was very upset, and refused to speak with me for a while. The rest of the night she scrolled instagram on her phone, barely responding to me. So much for our cute anniversary.
This post was written as a punishment for my crimes against the holy anniversary code.
HumanUser0159372486: Bro, there's no such thing as a six month anniversary. Also there is no reason whatsoever that you need punishment in any form for her being emotional. There is no holy anniversary code... at all. There is just two people in a relationship. They are both equal and both deserve respect and compassion from eachother, including you.
SquibCake: I think you too this a little bit too seriously! This post was written for shits and giggles, and not that much as a punishment. And in my opinion, celebrating a six month anniversary is just a fun thing to do. Thanks for the feedback tho :)
Maxed2k0: I don't understand why she got angry lol
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1409597425 | 1409718522 | t3_2f6t7p | t5_2to41 | 2,415 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at a girls butt at the gym
So this morning I am at my local gym on the treadmill getting my cardio on. Suddenly this attractive girl around my age gets on the treadmill directly in front of me and starts walking. I, like any other college aged guy, can not stop staring at her butt. I mean, this girl was wearing the TIGHTEST yoga pants I have seen.
Anyways after a solid 4-5 minutes I get a tap on the shoulder. It is the manager and she is asking me to leave the gym immediately. I become very puzzled as I step off of the treadmill and follow her towards the door. She explains to me that this gym is a place where someone can come and not be judged by their physical condition. I tell her I have no idea what I could have possibly done. She points at the girl i was looking at. I look her up and down one last time and that is when I see it.
The girl with the gorgeous butt has a prosthetic leg. It was from the knee down so i failed to notice. I guess someone complained and thought I was being rude and insensitive and the manager came over and watched me stare at this girl for another minute or so before she asked me to leave.
Even after trying to explain myself I still had to leave for the day.
TL;DR: Stared at a girls butt at the gym, didn't notice her prosthetic leg, got kicked out.
maschine01: Fucking stupid. Fuck that gym. If she is right in front of you where the fuck are you supposed to look.
sniss-o-matic: I don't think her butt takes up her whole body? It's easy to not stare at a butt.
VexingRaven: Actually that's just about the level my head and eyes level out at naturally. Looking straight and level is unnatural.
sniss-o-matic: Get yo neck checked, that ain't normal
VexingRaven: If we're talking a good 20ft between us, considering I'm short, that's only a few degrees, mostly eye tilt. I'm fine.
sniss-o-matic: Eh, well for me it's really easy for me to put my eyes anywhere, except for really up close screens. Besides that, I can look anywhere and get no eye strain. Don't think OP had to go staring at that booty.
VexingRaven: Easy? Sure. But when you've been looking at a screen all day your eyes tend to want to just look down.
sniss-o-matic: Pffffff. Look, dude fucked up. Don't stare at people's butts. It's rude and stupid, that's what porn is for.
Source: I work on a computer all day and my eyeballs can go everywhere, no matter how strained.
VexingRaven: Oh, I don't disagree, that's not what I meant. I was just saying, it has happened that way on accident.
sniss-o-matic: Ah sweet (not sweet re:accidentally staring at booties)
| 11 | 219.545455 | |
1412012458 | 1412103714 | t3_2ht103 | t5_2to41 | 585 | scottyKG: TIFU by telling a woman that I love her face
over the weekend, I went to an anime convention. For those of you who have never attended one, it's a huge nerd convention where all these nerds gather and they dress up as their favorite anime characters, makeup, wigs, weapons, masks, all of that shit.
Anyway, I'm not one of those people that play dress up, I just go to these conventions to hang out with friends and party. (I'm still a huge fucking gamer nerd though.) This was at around noon, me and my 5 friends just finished eating a big ole half-cheese, half-pepperoni 18 inch pizza for lunch. Immediately afterwards, we decide to start drinking. 6 shots in, and me starting to feel quite intoxicated, I decide now is a good time for us to leave for the actual convention center.
We crack jokes laughing our asses off at how fucking stupid we all are, get in the elevator, and as we're getting out, I see this short woman, probably in her mid 40's. She has the best fucking planet of the apes cosplay I have EVER fucking seen. It was unbelievably realistic looking. Her face looked EXACTLY like a chimpanzee, face color, fat lips, mouth shape, beady little eyes, the random spots of hair, she had it all. I give her the biggest smile of my life, make eye contact and say, "I love your face!" as I'm walking past her, she looks at me, I'm still smiling like a dumbass and she makes this face like she is completely in shock. And then it hits me, WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO. That wasn't a fucking cosplay, she has a physical deformity. Fuck my life, I felt like a total piece of shit for the rest of the day. I'm going to hell for that one.
EDIT1: She got in the elevator and I never had a chance to apologize and explain myself. All I wanted to do was leave the hotel and never show my face there again. I then quickly boarded the shuttle to go to the convention center
DanFreedse: I can relate. I won't write a tifu, because it wasn't me and it was years ago, but in short.
We were in Amsterdam 7-8 years ago, having brownies, smoking and some mushrooms. Suddenly I noticed a friend missing. After a few calls he finally answered. He as back at the hotel.
"Have you seen the whole city is fully of Gummi bears?!"
Me; Ehh..?
"I knew you wouldn't believe me so I cached one, he's in the bathroom."
We hurry back to the hotel to see the bathroom door barricaded with chairs, a desk and other things pile up.
I throw everything away and opened the door, there is a little child with Down syndrome sitting and laughing...
A talk with the hotel concierge and a few phone calls and mom was found. She did not press charges for kidnapping, she said her son had never laughed as much.
The_Reaper95: Did the mother live in Amsterdam with her child? Because as I'm sure like everyone else who has never been to Amsterdam and is ignorant towards the country when we hear marijuana is legal there we just imagine people high all the time, and for that reason I can only imagine the mother is used to people's drug related shenanigans.
DanFreedse: It's not really that wild. With marijuana being legal it is a more relaxed attitude. Like alcohol, we are not walking around drunk all the time, well at least most of us ain't.
Just occasionally tourist who can't control their intake do some dumb shit.
The_Reaper95: Yeah, I thought so. I just remember seeing this film one time where these teenagers take a trip in Europe, a couple of them end up in Amsterdam in a cafe, thinking a Rastafarian gave him Hash Brownies and he starting thinking he was high, turns out he wasn't he was just acting like a complete tit.
What's one of the more funnier things you have seen a tourist do whilst high? If you have of course.
DanFreedse: I remember that movie.
More funnier things? It's a thin line between fun and tragic. I've only been in Amsterdam twice, just before and just after my marriage, so I cant say what is happening there. But for traveling in general it could be this not very fit guy taking over a strip pole in Las Vegas and gave quite a good show before he finally was thrown out.
The_Reaper95: XD. Fair enough. I thought you actually lived in Amsterdam :P.
I still find it funny how the mother in OP's story was okay with it though.
DanFreedse: Now I am a family man, but back then I wouldn't mind living in Amsterdam, it's something special with the dutch women. Or maybe it's just the pot playing tricks.
I guess if you have a child with problem, any problem. Every laugh, fun and excitement in their lives can forgive most things and the sheer joy of having a loved one returned unharmed.
The_Reaper95: Makes sense. Indubitably wise in fact.
| 9 | 65 | |
1412013956 | 1412070209 | t3_2ht44h | t5_2to41 | 22 | x52495: TIFU by returning a dog to it's owner.
I found the little guy Friday afternoon while I was walking my German Shepherd. We were almost home so after they did their obligatory butt smelling, I picked him and carried him to my house. My German Shepherd was cool with him; my little Shih-tzus, not so much.
I called the number on the tag but it had been disconnected. The tag was from a small town (Atlanta, Texas) so it was easy enough to find a good number for the vet. Turns out the tag was 5 years old and they didn't have any info on him. My online searches for lost dogs matching his description also turned up nothing.
So that evening my wife and I gave him a flee bath, trimmed his hair and cut his nails. We had plans for Saturday so we decided we'd keep him for a few days. If we couldn't find the owners and did not want to keep him, we'd take him to the shelter.
Fast forward to Sunday evening - my wife and I take all 4 dogs for a walk and one of our neighbors walks up - "Hey, you guys found Elmo!". She tells us that he belongs to a family up the street. We walked over and rang the doorbell and sure enough 3 kids come running out, "ELMO!". Elmo runs up to them wagging his tail.
So how did I fuck up you ask?
The reason we were so quick to give him a bath, cut his nails and trim his hair was that he was in terrible shape. When I found him his hair was all matted, he had leaves & twigs hanging off of him and his nails looked like they hadn't been trimmed in years. (we had agreeded we'd name him "Twig" if we decided to keep him)
Although the kids seemed genuinely happy to get Emlo back, it's obvious that the adults in the house were not taking care of him. I told the oldest of the kids to tell her parent that if they didn't want Elmo they should come drop him off at my house.
I almost instantly regretted letting them have him back. In retrospect, I should have told her to have their parents come talk to me when they got home. Unfortunately at that point I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted to keep him and of course, the kids looked very happy to get him back.
If I find him wandering the streets again I think I might keep him, especially since they have a "House For Sale" sign up on their lawn. I'll just need to keep him hidden for a while.
EDIT:
[Twig](http://i.imgur.com/SRItFs0.jpg)
[Twig with my dog](http://i.imgur.com/lR4RjnS.jpg)
somnodoc: Are we talking about a puppy here? Puppies are notorious for escaping. A dog left to its own devices on the street and quickly gain matted, dirty fur. I feel like you might be overreacting.
x52495: Twig is not a puppy - his tag was 5 years old. And again, his nails look like they hadn't been trimmed in years. I wish I would have taken closer pics of how badly matted his fur was.
somnodoc: I feel like you're upset you had to give elmo back to his owners because you wanted to keep him
x52495: You're absolutely right, hence the "TIFU" post.
I work from home and have the luxury of being able to walk my dog several times a day so over the last few years I've corralled up many dogs. Normally it's easy to find the owners because:
- They'll be driving around the neighborhood looking for them
- The dog has a current tag.
- They'll put up lost dog signs, advertise on craigslist, etc.
- I know the dog because I've run into them and their owner on my walks.
These people did none of that. When you compond that with the fact that he was obviously neglected, yes - I'll admit that I'm upset that I gave him back.
somnodoc: I guess my point is that you didn't really fu, you did the right thing and returned the dog to its owner, and it's just emotion that is clouding your judgment right now.
Caroz855: He returned the dog to an obviously negligent environment willingly. That is the FU.
somnodoc: I'm not convinced it is a neglectful environment. If he's genuinely concerned about the dog call the ASPCA and let them take it from there. It seems more like an excuse he's giving himself for why the dog should have stayed with him. He named it and bonded with it, of course there is going to be regret giving it back.
| 8 | 2.75 | |
1409598909 | 1409600697 | t3_2f6vg1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: Tifu by not leaving before the cops showed up
Love this subreddit the main thing that got me into reddit. So this fu happened the winter of 014. So to start I work for a conservative modeling school as a recruiter. It's a pretty chill job for a college student and during this time I was one of their few workers in my state so they would send me across the state pat for drive time food and hotel and I only worked a few hours a day with anything after 9pm to myself and the whole morning as well. So this weekend they sent me to a major college in my state so I'm like hell yea it's adventure time.
Now this being a work trip aand towards midterm time most of my friends from my city couldn't or didn't ride up there with me and my few friends who go to the school are studying, have some type of sport practice in the morning or just not down to party. This was probably my first fuck up. So I somehow stumble into a row of apartments with parties everywhere. So I go t o a party here and there meet some people get offered some drinks from some random folks I don't drink to much because I still have to drive but my hotel is down the street from the college and literally one major road down from these apartments. This was my second fu
So I'm party hoping all different types of parties and people as you would expect at a major college. I get to this last party it legit it's got a dance floor and do a few girls and tthe guys aren't to weird about this random. So I'm on the balcony chilling when I see the college police pull up.
Sorry for all the back ground but I am from a major and until recently dangerous city and I go to the university there which is by no means small but gas a largely commuter base and is more a part of the city than its own entity think community college with dorms and being used to our campus police who only show up to stand around aand with lights flashing to end near campus parties after they have reached climax I have a different idea of campus police.
So the cops pull up now remember I've been party hoping all night from one apartment to another from floor to floor and building to building at this time I am at the end of the block with one of the more quiet parties so after think gin I should leave I decided I still had time before they got here. I was so wrong before I could even go back to my conversation the cops were knocking at the door. At this point I have to choice to jump off the second story balcony or stay again tthinking like my smaller university they won't come in we can just turn the music off keep the alcohol out of sight and they will go away so wrong. The cops are incessant. Before I can re contemplate my jump they tell everyone whose is not 21 to go to the back room. I follow now I am in the back room with 5 girls a guy and another guy whose been passed out back here since before I got here all of which I don't know. The conscious guy let's call him jeff is at the door listening and giving us the play by play the police have now worked there way inside everyone in the room goes into panic mode 2 girls are under the bed 3 on the bed the one kid hiding by the door and and me looking for an escape this room does not have the walk out balcony but a small window which has a screen over it that I can get open. Now one of the owners of the house is getting a mip (minor in possession) which is a felony in my state and can also disqualify any student from federal aid( this being a major university you definitely need help to pay for it) so this kid is breaking down in the front and is telling them it's the other owners party who happens to be the guy passed out in bed. At this time everyone is freaking out.
So jeff decides to go for broke it stumbles out of the room and looks confused at the officers who begin to question him. He begins to cry and act like he has no idea where he is they let jeff go. Now the police are wondering who is back here and walk towards the back. I dive to the floor hide my wallet and I'd in the room pull up my hoody and play sleep. They talk to the girls and who say they don't have ids then ask who the guy on the floor is of course no one knows me so the officer proceeds to yell at me when this does not work he starts to kick me to rouse me out of my sleep this goes on for q 5 kicks in various spots. He gives up and goes to the guy on the bed who happen to be the other owner again he tries to wake him but without the physical abuse. At this point I am pissed but rather be bruised than arrested. The officer returns to the front and begins to talk about what to do with me and the others.
Next the two girls under the bed decide to walk out they gather their confidence and walk right past the officers and say they don't live here and out Scott free. I contemplate the get up and leave option but the kick to my side gave me other ideas so I go back to working the window I get it mostly off and contemplate drop kicking it when I hear the officers leave I proceed to get the fuck on out the back way of the apartment. Scary shit. Sorry for the long post
Tifu be going to a random party getting kicked, almost catching a felony, and almost losing my job
DeezyMiagi: Bruh the winter of 014 hasn't happened yet
CucumberBear: He's from the future obviously.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412014649 | 1412019959 | t3_2ht5gy | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my head
So originally I wanted to cut my hair to 16mm length, but whilst doing the finishing touches without the 16mm razor guard I cut all off my hair off leaving a large patch of nothing. I needed to make it equal so I just shaved my head. My hair is at about 1-2 mm at this point and everyone at my high school is probably going to think i'm a skin head now.
UPDATE: I decided to send a snapchat to all of my close friends too warn them. They seem fairly shocked but I guess they won't disown me just yet.
[deleted]: Or that you just buzzed your head...a skinhead is no hair at all. Besides, who gives a shit what everyone else thinks. It's just hair. It will grow back.
[deleted]: Still, it's quite tabboo for a 17 year old white male to have almost no hair. Plus I live in europe and i'll assure you, being percieved as a neo-nazi here is 10 times worse than in the US
Cylinsier: It'll grow back.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1412030314 | 1412091986 | t3_2hsz7e | t5_2to41 | 420 | neeee1: K9 Stein
AnoK760: Jon Steinbark?
HodorsWhore: Chuck Pawahnuik
RandomG1rl: Doglas Adams?
kungfu_jesus: Pawlo Coehlo
sparrow5: Nathaniel Pawthorne.
MsNerevarine: Joyce Howl Oates
Blue_Lime_Mix: P.G. Doghouse
chetway: Alf Waldo Emerson
WhereAreTheBears: Pawscar Wilde.
[deleted]: Barkowski
Waifu_Warrior: J.RDog.RDog. Tolkdog(dog)
How was that?
SaddharKadham: George R.R Barking
| 13 | 32.307692 | |
1412015315 | 1412037884 | t3_2ht6qj | t5_2to41 | 23 | cbatower: TIFU by incriminating myself in arson
Back Story:
A year or so ago, I went on a family vacation to Arizona.
Yesterday:
It's 2 AM. I ride down a country road trying to find my way back to civilization. I see smoke. I come across a trailer engulfed in flames. I call the fire department. The first responders arrive, thank me, and send me on my way.
Today, my phone rings. Sheriff's Department. They want to interview me. I'm slightly worried, but I figure it's just protocol.
I walk into the Sheriff's Department. A detective greets me at the door. Dude has the thickest southern accent I've ever heard. No idea what he's saying. I smile and nod. I sense the detective already resents me for his own speech deficiencies.
He leads me to his office. I sit down and answer a dozen questions or so. Still have no idea what he's saying -- you could cut the awkward with a knife. Every once in a while I suspect he's trying lighten the mood. With each perceived joke, I chuckle, rendering my soul to what I assume is the "good cop" routine. Where is the bad cop, you might ask? Turns out that is him too. Every time I belch out a hollow laugh, he looks upon me with disdain. (Whether this was because he sensed the lack of genuine amusement in my laughter or he simply wasn't joking at any point in the interview, I do not know. I must, at this point, assume the latter as, upon further reflection, he was discussing a felonious crime. In the heat of the moment, this context clue escaped me.)
Eventually, I complete the interview. The detective walks me out. As we make our way to the door, the awkward tension is at an all time high. I really don't want to leave on a bad note. How can I salvage this experience? I need to make conversation. How do I make conversation? Something topical. Why am I here? Fire. Yes, good topic. Fucking fire. Genius.
I remember my vacation in Arizona. Confidently, I deliver the following icebreaker:
"Ya know, I was in Arizona when all those wildfires started…"
Immediately realize I am a socially handicapped dickhead. Still, the sheer ineptitude of my words strikes me as hilarious. I laugh.
Detective can't believe what he's witnessing. Maniacal laughter AND a story implying previous arson? It proves too much. Sensory overload paralyzes the detective. He stands wide-eyed and slack-jawed, as if a blood-spattered OJ Simpson just farted in his mouth.
Nothing else to do. I walk out of the department trying not to giggle. Manage only to look and sound like Ralph fucking Wiggum.
tl;dr Accidentally implied that I am a serial arsonist during a criminal investigation. I am not a serial arsonist, just simple.
Kilomega: Talking to the police in 2014 is always a bad idea. Even if you are 100% innocent it is a bad idea.
Get a lawyer every time, not matter what. Law enforcement these days will make a case stick if they think you are their culprit. Somehow, they will make it stick if they want it. The more ammo you give them the more they have to work with.
"I would like to talk to legal counsel at this point detective. Not because I am guilty, but only to protect myself."
Swaggy_McSwagSwag: Yes, because every police officer in the entire world is a dickbag.
If my 85 year old neighbour read some of the kind of irrational police hatred people have I cannot imagine how upset he would be. The guy was ex-vice; did drug raids, solved major crimes, was a well respected figure in his community because of his hard work and dedication;
"Oh, just another fucking police officer fuck em all stop trying to shoot me, pig."
They're people too, so stop stereotyping and perhaps realise that if you are a fucking arse to somebody, they don't owe you anything.
You cant treat somebody like shit and then make demands. That makes you scum as far as I am concerned.
Pro_Scrub: Please point out to me the instances in this thread where people were being a fucking arse to cops or treating somebody like shit and then making demands.
As for stereotyping cops, (in the states at least) they have quotas for charging people because of the bullshit prison-industrial system. It's pretty horrific. Good cops exist but the system sucks.
DatGuy15: I have never lived in a city where there's a "quota." It is not common
Pro_Scrub: Ask your officers if the number of tickets/arrests is ever brought up in their performance reviews. Literal quotas are illegal in a lot of places for obvious reasons, but officers are still judged on how much they bring in regardless of whether those people deserved it.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/21/nypd-does-use-quotas-jury_n_825929.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/29/nyregion/court-reinstates-police-officers-lawsuit-over-arrest-quotas.html?_r=0
EDIT: formatting
DatGuy15: Did a ride along with 4 separate departments, they don't have quotas.
Pro_Scrub: That was fast.
| 8 | 2.875 | |
1412015001 | 1412027461 | t3_2ht64m | t5_2to41 | 141 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex in my first car...
As is the case with many TIFU's, this one happened some years ago...
I was your typical (recently)16 year old guy trying, desperately, to find a way to have sex with my girlfriend. She was willing, but she wasn't comfortable doing it at either of our homes because she was scared that we would get caught. I tried to explain to her that my love for her was so deep and that I didn't care if the whole world knew (the first recorded instance of my dick doing the talking), but she still wasn't buying it. I am feeling a lot of pressure to have sex here. My dick was pretty adamant that I was getting him by, but also that my ministrations were not to his desired taste.
Then one fateful day I received a call from my Grandfather telling me that he had to come pick me up to go out to the ranch (family breeds thoroughbreds and quarterhorses) because there was a problem. I was worried, wondering what I had done wrong. He was somewhat dour on the ride over, so I was really getting worried that there was a serious problem. Little did I know that it was a setup as he presented me with the keys to my very first car (it was hidden out behind the main barn), which was a completely restored, emerald green 1969 Gran Torino fast back. It was a late birthday present, and I was in total shock. Near tears, TBH.
The tank was full, I had the keys in the ignition, but I didn't know what to do or where to go with this new-found freedom. In this moment of first-world crisis my dick took over, saying "go find your girlfriend". Much to my (and my dick's) surprise and delight, she suggested that we find a nice quiet place to play "just the tip, just for a minute" (among other things). She ended up calling her Mom to tell her that she was spending the night at a friends house. Hot diggity did we steam those windows up that night...
Fast forward to the next morning, I had to go to school. So I drove home thinking that my parents would be off to work already, but as I pulled up in the driveway I noticed that my Mom's car was still in the driveway. No probem, just play it cool, but then she comes outside and says "Wow, Grandpa sure gave you a nice gift. I hope you thanked him (duh, Ma) nicely. Now, let me get in and take a look." I was a little apprehensive considering the balls-out bone fest that had occured over the past 9 or 10 hours, but I was sure that I had cleaned up the scene adequately. So, I handed her the keys.
She decided to take it for a spin around the block without me, which was fine as I was feeling a little uncomfortable being "in there" with her. She pulls back into the drive way a few minutes later and hops out of the car. She hands me the keys, tells me how lucky I was and turns to walk back into the house. As she turns I notice...
*OH MY FUCKING GOD! ONE OF MY USED CONDOMS IS HANGING OFF THE SHOULDER OF HER BUSINESS SUIT!*
I began to kind of twitch and run back and forth, all the while freaking the "F" out. I don't know what to do. Time began to compress and turn inside-out. I felt on the verge of passing out. Then it dawned on me that I could just kind of sneak up on her and "pick" it off her should without her noticing. This from the confidence of remembering how good I was with my hands the night before.
I pad up behind her, oh so silently, ready to pull off this face-saving heist of my used sauce sack. I slowly, and oh so gently, reach out. The tips of my fingers are just millimeters away from successful contact with "it", when she suddenly turns, looks at me and says "What the fuck are you doing?" (mom suspicion). I couldn't take my eyes off of her shoulder (or the look of guilt and horror off of my face). She looks at her shoulder and starts reaching up to feel around. Time went into to slow motion, and I was like "noooooooo". I tried to get there before her, but she had drawn away. Then, it happened. My mom grabbed the squishy bit off of her shoulder and brought it front and center to see what it was.
The look. That look of horror and disgust. My shame, I will never forget it. Watching my Mom holding my used sack of spunk.
She never said a word about it, ever, but I sometimes imagine (by a certain look on her face) that she is remembering that moment, all these years later.
tl;dr...got new car, proceeded to have an all-night "just the tip" extravaganza with my girlfriend, didn't dispose of used condoms effectively, ends up with the saggy, used sauce sack in my Mom's hand (after she plucked it off of her shoulder)...and with shame, can't forget the shame.
DatGuy15: Do you still have the car?
[deleted]: I wish! Unfortunately, the poor thing didn't last six months. I decided that it would be "cool" to jump some railroad tracks and discovered that the "General Lee" was likely outfitted with a counterweight in the rear so that it could make those jumps and land on all four tires, rather than the grill...like my Torino did.
I will never forget the low whistle of appreciation that the greasy, overall-wearing tow truck driver offered at viewing the carnage that was once a beautiful machine. My parents refused to buy me another car, so I scraped up a few hundred bucks (it was the 80's) and bought myself a '66 Beetle that had wood floorboards because of the massive rust. Needless to say, there was no sex happening in the back seat of that car.
ZeroSumHappiness: You. Fucking. Asshole.
[deleted]: Can't. Argue. With. That.
Have another up vote!
| 5 | 28.2 | |
1411672381 | 1411697567 | t3_2hggo3 | t5_2to41 | 3,275 | failed_doctor: TIFU by letting my friend sit on my lap [NSFW]
This happened maybe five or so years ago. No throwaway because who cares.
Alright, so I was in maybe 11th grade, so I would be 16 at the time. I think I was in my chemistry class, and there waa this girl. We will call her Jenny. So Jenny is a very, very pretty girl. I can't stress how amazingly gorgeous this girl is, and she was a great friend of mine. The only thing stopping me from dating her was her current boyfriend, who happened to be my best friend. Continuing with the story, we were watching a movie in chemistry, it was nearing the end of the semester so we watched an actual movie. I forgot what it was. Anyway, Jenny is looking particularly amazing today and she is sitting right next to me. I get up and move to the back of the room, to catch up on my sleep. She followed me, and decided to sit on my lap. Now she has done this before, but today she was wearing very short shorts, and I was wearing track pants.
She sat on my lap, and I tried with all my might not to get a stiffy right there. I failed. She didn't seem to notice it (or maybe she did) and she started moving to get more comfortable. She was basically rubbing my manhood with her butt, and I apparently was really horny today. I couldn't take it any longer, and guess what? I came. Unfortunately, my rocket was peeping outside of my boxers, so my juice seeped through my pants. She looked at me, horror in her eyes. When she stood up, you could hear the separating of her thigh and my sticky pants. It was dark, but you could see the slight reflection of the spot on her leg. She ran to the restroom and I sat there, as embarrassed as one could be.
We didn't speak for weeks.
Tl;dr: a sticky situation.
Edit: Thanks for the gold! Now I think I'm going to ask her if she remembers this day.
Edit: I asked her. She laughed and commented on how fast everything was.
Edit: Okay guys, she sat on my lap way before those two ever started dating. Also, I waited four years to be with her. I think that's enough time.
MrE78: The horror on her face was that you didn't last long enough is all. She was totally into you though, and she knew what she was doing.
failed_doctor: Well, apparently I haven't improved to her. Always the same face.
Xisho: waaaait... so there were multiple planned occurances... sounds like a win
failed_doctor: I meant to infer that we are together now. Sometimes leaving your imprint on someone can work out.
branopopulous: With your best friends ex? Wow, what a good friend you are.
failed_doctor: We got together maybe a year ago (four years after they broke up) and he moved far away. I'm not that much of a dick, unlike my dick.
branopopulous: Does she sit on your friends' laps? Would you like that? You can look forward to that. I don't think that you're a dick because you're in a relationship with her now.
failed_doctor: No she doesn't. Maybe it would turn me on a little, I'm not sure. She did it to me because, according to reddit, she was into me.
branopopulous: I would have gone up to my best friend and been like "hey man, your girlfriend tried to sit in my lap. I value you as a friend and I thought you should know that about her." I just think that the nature of your fuckup is being a poor friend.
AbsentmindedAsshole: "Hey man. Your girlfriend sat on my lap and I came. Also I totally have the hots for her. Have a nice day!"
branopopulous: My point is that he shouldn't have even let her do that. I can't tell whether you're joking or missed the point
AbsentmindedAsshole: So, you always think rationally when a girl is grinding on your dick? It's impossible.
branopopulous: That's not an excuse and op clearly didn't just have a momentary lapse of reason. I mean, damn. Is cheating totally acceptable? Cheating isn't just penetration, btw. I've never been cheated on, but I'm astonished at how desensitized people are to it. If you want to have free reign to mess around with anyone, why don't you just not be in a relationship?
AbsentmindedAsshole: I think you are throwing this way out of proportion. These are teenagers to start with, so they really don't think about much more than the now. I know cheating isn't just penetration, but sitting on one of your friends laps isn't either. She didn't know his feelings for her before this obviously, and I am certain that he wouldn't have told her even after this due to the friend.
branopopulous: Yes, they were teenagers. Op still boasts about it now, though. Doesn't that say something? He says he was "marking his territory". Sitting in someone's lap is definitely some next level flirting. So, let's say you have a partner (maybe you do), you'd be cool with that? i doubt that you would be at ease. Just because I'm a male doesn't mean that I stop thinking when a girl wants my dick. So many men use that stereotype as if it's some sort of excuse. It's weak, if you ask me. Sure this is just a comment thread on reddit, but isn't it disturbing to see how this many people could care less about the principles of a relationship? All I know is that I wouldn't want a girlfriend who cheats or any friends who would betray me like that.
AbsentmindedAsshole: I dont think you understand what a joke is. He said that because now, years later, he is in a relationship with that girl.
I have a fiancee, but she isnt that kind of person. Not because its cheating, but because we are older and its not her personality. If it was, however, then I would be fine with her sitting on her FRIEND'S lap. It isn't cheating.
| 17 | 192.647059 | |
1412015502 | 1412044450 | t3_2ht730 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Throwawaym1097: TIFU almost sleeping with my best friend.
Tifu
well actually yesterday
So me & one of my really good friends have always been pretty flirty with each other. Saturday night/Sunday morning he came over to hang out. We watched tfios & talked while he played with my hair.
Then we starting kissing and that just escaladed until we did everything you can do besides have sex. It was so good. It was like everything you see in the movies & he made me feel so genuinly sexy.
And then that question came up, you know, whether we should have sex or not. And I said "maybe, eventually". And I want to so bad but he doesn't want a relationship and I don't want to have sex unless I'm in a relationship.
So now I really don't know what to do. And we have talked about the relationship aspect of it before hand and he is completely uninterested in one mostly due to the fact that he thinks high school relationships are stupid and we're both seniors so we're going separate ways for college. And I also don't want to lose him as a friend.
Voyager5555: "escaladed"
So I assume the movie that made you feel genuinely sexy was Transformers?
dr_jt: Tfios. The Fault In Our Stars. Not Transformers, as hilarious as that would be.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1411801142 | 1411808855 | t3_2hlkma | t5_2to41 | 28 | OhnowhydidI: TIFU By letting my best friend have sex with my girlfriend
We had talked about it, I didn't really like the idea but she told me she got off on it. I decided that if we would, I could pick who it was with and be in control of the situation for our safety etc.
This is where my best friend Jake comes in. We had been friends for a very long time, way before I started dating my girlfriend and he was always polite and respectful around her just a really nice guy.
So I get talking to Jake one night when we were drinking and the subject comes up in one way or another. I ask him sort of jokingly if he would be interested in having sex with my girlfriend as he wasn't currently dating anyone, he immediately replied that he was interested and wanted to talk more about it sober.
The next day he called me after work and we talked about it a bit more, discussed the boundaries etc and he was cool with it all. I got home and talked to my girlfriend about it, she seemed unsure at first but warmed to the idea as we talked more about it.
She said Jake was nice and if it could be with anyone I was ok with, he would be it. So I called Jake and told him to come round later tonight which he said he could.
He showed up early and I joked that he was eager and he immediately shot back with "Yeah I am actually." I started to feel butterflies, it was actually happening and I wasn't sure how I was now feeling about Jake having sex with my girlfriend.
My girlfriend came out to meet him and we chatted for a bit, I poured us some drinks and put some music on. After a few drinks we decided to head into the bedroom, I sat on the couch as my girlfriend lay back on the bed.
Spreading her legs, she was wearing thin dress and slowly began to stroke the outside of her pussy through her panties. Jake stood there in silence as he watched her and I watched them.
Gently she pulled her panties to the side and started to rub her pussy now paying close attention to her clit while she watched Jake begin to take off his clothes.
I'm really feeling nervous now, its actually happening right in front of me, Jake is going to fuck my girlfriend. She speaks softly saying, "What are you waiting for, Jake...?" Jake, absolutely naked now stands a few meters away from the bed.
His cock is huge... Far bigger than mine by 2 to 3 inches and its still getting harder. My girlfriend lets out a slight gasp, a small grin appearing on her face. She looks at me and smiles, motioning with her finger for Jake to come to her.
Jake slowly approaches the bed, his large member swaying as he walks towards her. Within range, she gently reaches out and wraps her small hands around his cock. Gently stroking it back and forth while staring up at him.
I'm lost in this moment, watching my girlfriend, the woman I love giving her full attention to my friend Jake. I don't know how I'm feeling right now, I don't know how she is feeling, or what Jake is thinking. But its happening.
She gets up, on her hands and knees and arches her back towards him, smiling as she looks back at him. He gently rubs the tip of his cock over and around her pussy entrance, making her close her eyes and moan softly.
Inch by inch he gently slides his cock deep inside her, she gasps and moans from the size of him, her hands claw at the bed in ecstasy. I look to her for comfort, I want her to look at me and make me feel like this is ok, like what is happening is normal but I feel so weird.
Watching him now slowly slide in and out of her with a constant motion, hearing her now. Moaning for him. I feel sick, I can't take this.
But it was only getting worse, I heard it softly at first, something I hadn't heard before with her... She was moaning his name. "Jake, Jake oh god. Fuck me Jake. Oh it feels so good, you're so big Jake. I can feel you filling me up inside with your cock. Oh fuck me harder. Make me cum for you Jake!"
I'm losing it now, she had never moaned my name, she had never called it out for us. She was turning into some other person I had never seen and he was bringing it out of her.
She was thrusting against him and now begging him to slap her ass which he did making her only moan more. Watching her look back at him begging him to fuck her harder and that she was almost there. Jake picked up his pace and I watched her eyes roll back in her head and she shook with pleasure as he came as well.
I just sat there with my head in my hands.
What have I done?
IMYmittens: **WEEEOOH WEEEOOH BULLSHIT POLICE**
SilentOneBravo: way to erotic to be real.
IMYmittens: OP jerked off to his own fake story. OP's name is probably Jake.
SilentOneBravo: possibly, if it is real(which I doubt), jake is a total shit cunt and should have to do a walk of shame.
IMYmittens: Not the fictional friend's fault. Shit-cunt boyfriend.
SilentOneBravo: dumb shit cunt boyfriend
| 7 | 4 | |
1409600991 | 1409656804 | t3_2f6ysv | t5_2to41 | 280 | randomfactgirl: TIFU by letting a one night stand bite my boobs.
OK so recently I have been going through a dry spell sexually, and was really on the prowl, ready to jump the next guy that looked at me. I went to a club with my friends and spotted a hottie looking at me across the bar. Eventually we met each other and danced and drank till the club closed, and he asked me if I wanted to "get out here". Horny as hell, of course I said yes and followed him to his car. But by the time we even made it into his truck I was ready to jump him. So, feeling super confident and sexy, I said "Let's just do it in here baby", and he was more than willing. As foreplay, he started fondling and bitng my boobs. At first it felt great but then I noticed it getting more and more painful. But I didn't want to seem like a baby so I sucked it up and pretended to like it. Eventually we had sex and parted ways, but when I got home I looked at my areolas and noticed the guy broke the skin! But I figured it would heal soon and I'd be fine. But it didn't heal, and about a week later I was crying with every step I took because the open wound would rub against my bra. I was finally forced to visit my doctor,who had to literally scrape the wound clean (it was oozing yellow and green slimy stuff) and give me antibiotics. It was by far the most embarrassing doctor visit I've ever had to experience. Needless to say I will now tell a guy when to bite hard and when to NOT bite so hard.
KoNP: Bites almost always get infected because the human mouth is a fucking cesspit. You should have gone to the doctor immediately as soon as you realised he'd broken the skin.
Human bites on hands/arms often lead to fasciitis and the loss of the affected limb. You're lucky it didn't get significantly worse.
brberg: So why do self-inflicted bite wounds (e.g. biting your tongue or the inside of your cheek) rarely lead to complications?
KoNP: Because of how fast-healing the mouth is and the fact that the bacteria are "native" to the area. That's part of the reason the mouth heals so quickly in the first place - to avoid runaway infections.
TristanTzara1918: So what about all the dicks that get put in mouths?
KoNP: The reason bites get infected is because they break the first line of defense your body has - your skin. Bites that draw blood have to get through 3 layers of skin to do that, which allows the bacteria to colonise the wound easily. The bacteria in the mouth are fast-replicating and the body doesn't initially know how to deal with them being in the "wrong spot", leading to a very rapidly progressing infection.
Just putting something in your mouth doesn't automatically make it infected, otherwise every time you tried to get food out of your teeth you'd lose a finger. Stop being fucking obtuse.
TristanTzara1918: I'll try being more clear.
KoNP: Please do.
TristanTzara1918: So what about the urethra?
a_d_d_e_r: Same idea, your innards have protective layers too. Also better access to the immune system, regular urine exchanges, and what else.
| 10 | 28 | |
1411797205 | 1411800204 | t3_2hlgwp | t5_2to41 | 2 | zarktorp: TIFU by admitting to my girlfriend that my annual 1-week vacation with my bro's was actually a gaycation. (Now she erroneously believes I am GAY...)
So, for the past 6 years or so me and my 3 other best bro's have gone an annual 1 week gaycation.
Although gaycations are becoming more accepted and common, a lot of people still take it the wrong way.
Me and my bro's are all 100% straight. However, on our annual gaycation we act "gay". We go on a trip somewhere, we go to gay clubs, "act gay", do stereotypically "gay" things, and engage in gay sex with men we meet and with each other.
We are all straight and do not view this as anything remotely gay. It's all for fun and pleasure. No romance or shit like that. No.
I love my girlfriend and I'm into ladies, not guys. Well after I got back from our most recent gaycation, I told my girlfriend what our annual trips involved.
She flipped the fuck out. I am disgusted and astonished that she'd be so homophobic as to be bothered by a 1 week annual gaycation. Even when I explained to her that I was 100% straight and that nothing on a gaycation counts, she was still angry.
I am very disappointed in her immaturity here, but I am also very worried and sad. We have been together for 4 years and I thought we'd always be together. On one hand the thought of being with a woman so old-school and homophobic is depressing, but on the other hand the idea of living without her is also depressing.
Surely there is a way to make her understand the gaycations are a necessity and also harmless and without meaning. Ugh. It's just caused so much drama.
I wish I had just kept it a secret. I could have gone fucking decades doing these gaycations claiming they were just traditional annual trips with bro's (which they basically are...) but no I thought I'd be honest.
Well fuck I guess honesty is overrated. Now I know. I wish I'd been DISHONEST.
The most fucked up thing is that she thinks I am gay. Now I have to convince her that not only am I 100% straight, but that I am still going to go on a gaycation every year. I don't know how to get this into her head.
Fuck.
CrazyKiwiCake: Now, by "bros" you do mean friends right? Not literal brothers?
Also, you have gay sex and act gay and don't count it as a gay act? That's like robbing a bank and saying you don't count it as robbery and you should not be charged.
zarktorp: You're going to pretend you're so out of touch with modern lingo that you don't know "bros" is NOT slang for literal brother? Fuck off with this shit.
CrazyKiwiCake: 0/10 troll
People still refer to their brothers as "bro". You call a friend a bro when you're with him/them not on websites.
Seriously, you can't just say "it doesn't count".
zarktorp: People aren't upvoting you because they agree with your fucktarded definition of "bro" they're upvoting you solely because they are homophobic and oppose my gaycations.
In modern contexts it is absolutely 100% understood by everybody what bro means. You're fucking dumb or just bizarrely out of touch if you don't get that. Go fuck yourself you goat shaving bitch.
CrazyKiwiCake: Bit offensive there, I never said people agree with "my definition" of bro. And no one is being homophobic, I have plenty of gay friends to disprove your logic of me being homophobic.
You're just mad because no one agrees with you. What you need to understand is that a gay act is a gay act. Don't deny it. Rather try explaining to your girlfriend that you love her, and that if she can be okay with your bisexuality.
EDIT: what the hell is a "goat shaving bitch"? Where the fuck did you come up with that?
EDIT 2: you'd have to be homosexual/bisexual to claim others are being homophobic, retard.
| 6 | 0.333333 | |
1411795406 | 1411836772 | t3_2hlf2b | t5_2to41 | 76 | tifuhome: TIFU by coming home BEFORE curfew
So I am notoriously pushing my curfew envelope, I am 17 and that's what teenagers do. so typically my curfew is 1:30 but nothing was happening and my girlfriend fell asleep at her house so I just headed home and arrived around 11:30. Now let it be known that my house is almost never empty, I have 3 other siblings. It just so happened that this fine September eve my parents found the house entirely to themselves...
I opened the front door quietly because it seemed that everybody was asleep. and I am greeted with the wonderful sound of my two very out of shape, very old, **AND APPARENTLY VERY LOUD** parents belly slapping. In a moment of panic and as to not interrupt I quietly closed the door and flew upstairs to my room and promptly closed the door.
Many wouldn't see this as an uncommon occurrence but there now is a problem. I didn't grab any food before I ran upstairs and I ain't about to roll the dice by getting in earshot of there...
TL:DR; Old folks, my old folks, participating in gland-to-gland combat at unnecessarily loud volumes. Now trapped in room
CeleryStickBeating: Oh good grief. Grow up. Just have a talk with you parents and make sure you work out the right door knob signals.
Class_not_swag_girls: Found the test tube baby
| 3 | 25.333333 | |
1411792517 | 1411959048 | t3_2hlbu7 | t5_2to41 | 28 | Raspberryian: TIFU and got caught by my girlfriend's mom while we were having sex. [Nsfw]
This happened like 15 minutes ago. I was at my girlfriend's house and we were on her laptop. We were talking and browsing Tumblr and a couple of "other" sites. Well it started to get kind of heated I'll spare the details. In short it started out as something kinky.
So as we are making out she thinks it would be nice to remove the spandex. It was. She sits up and says "you've got a mostly naked girl in front of you. What are you going to do?" That's when I had to make a choice. Risk it all and lose my innocence or turn it down and become that guy. I made my choice and we went at it. Again sparing details. So after that we got dressed
She decides to take a nap, on top of me, half naked. And me being a guy decides that's not alright because I didn't have a condom. And I'd never had sex before so yeah. Anyway we start browsing "other" sites again. And it got me going again. So we went round two, we got down and she decided to finish off with a blowjob. Keep in mind it's 10:30 pm so her mom is going to bed. *knock* the door opens and she's trying to cover up " HEYYYYYYYYY MOM, JUST changing my shirt." Meanwhile I'm half way across the room pants half way down. Acting like I'm looking for something trying to pull them up.
After her mom leaves we are sitting there trying to figure out how to lie our way out of it. She gets a call
Momma
Shitshitshit she is on the phone for roughly a minute and 37 seconds.
"You gotta go" she said with a huge smile on her face."she's not going to tell your parents but you gotta get the hell out"
We stand by my car and laugh about it for twenty minutes
"Totally mother fucking worth it" she said.
"So I wasn't the only one thinking it" I replied.
TL;DR Lost my virginity, watched porno with my gf, gfs mom walks in on us having sex, we both agreed that it was totally worth it.
Update: Mom was like a four.
Update: Mom is not as awkward about as I thought.
Update...: pregnancy scare...
lovebelow: my guess that you calling porn "other" sites means that nothing was actually kinky and you participated in vanilla intercourse. This is not a fuck up.
Raspberryian: No. It was kinky she had the school girl and feather duster costume
i_pk_pjers_i: Ahh, you think that's kinky. That's cute.
You'll learn when you're older that that's really vanilla. :)
Raspberryian: I'm slightly terrified now
aatkey: Trust me, the rabbit hole gets ever deeper and deeper..... Good start though buddy! Please play safe, put your helmet on before going into the trenches!
BrotherGabriel31: I am getting weird looks literally LMFAO right now
| 7 | 4 | |
1409603803 | 1409625697 | t3_2f73jg | t5_2to41 | 86 | OwlMcHoots: TIFU and my nipple paid the price.
Okay, I'm a girl.
23 years old.
I do enjoy dying my hair, of course! And today I was preparing to put some highlights in myself. If you've ever dyed your hair before, you know about having to cut the tip off of the little dye bottle.. and how much of a pain in the ass that can be. *sigh* so. Prepped it all up, reached for the scissors to cut the end off.. Please, keep in mind I'm wearing a ragged old shirt (in case dye gets on it) and no bra. I'm squeezing and squeezing the scissors to cut that end off, not realizing how close I had the bottle to my chest...
The scissors finally closed on the tip, but the opposite end, where my fingers were.. also closed. Right on my nipple.
Mother of fucking jesus that was the worst nipple pain of my entire life! It's like the mother of all titty twisters!
So. Today I fucked up and pinched the fuck out of my nipple while attempting to dye my hair.
HoleofAnus: Pics or it didn't happen.
OwlMcHoots: I feared this would be the first comment.
Nobluntsjustbowls: Deliver?
OwlMcHoots: No nipple pics, sorry. Hahahaha
| 5 | 17.2 | |
1409603994 | 1409627148 | t3_2f73v8 | t5_2to41 | 30 | strangetitss: TIFU by passing gas in a guys face (nsfw)
My fuck up was last night.
So I recently started putting sulfur crystals in my water twice a day to help remove toxins and such, which has been making me really gassy lately. Last night after getting home from a night out with my male friend we started fooling around. I was really drunk already so holding my bodily fluids/gas was getting more and more difficult. As he was fingering/somewhat licking my cooter cat I accidentally let a gas bubble escape :\ It wasn't a big, stinky one though which was good but I was still super embarrassed and had to stop. He chuckled and didn't make a big deal but I don't know what he was thinking in his mind. This **has** to be my most embarrassing moment.
Pippen1984: Probably not much. Did you stop, because he probably really wanted to have sex. My SO could fart in my face, I'd still want to finish.
strangetitss: Yes we stopped. I've passed gas in front of boyfriends before by accident. But not a guy I'm not even really dating. Too soon lol
Pippen1984: We stopped or you stopped? If he stopped then he's crazy-- once you've been farted on, no girl will say no. Sheesh :)
strangetitss: More like I stopped because I was extremely embarrassed. It was super late anyway so we ended the night there and he went home. But, I guess it eases my mind to know that most guys, *if they want sex*, won't stop if farted on haha
fucking_web_dev: If you would have kept going you would have been fine, you might have ruined it by shitting on him and then stopping.
canwegoback: Pretty sure she wasn't in the mood after getting so embarrassed, hence her stopping. Doesn't matter whether the guy wanted to keep going.
| 7 | 4.285714 | |
1412018775 | 1412026990 | t3_2htdhn | t5_2to41 | 139 | TIFU_throaway: TIFU by vomiting on a girl while fingering her.
Well, on Saturday night actually.
I went to a party at a friend's house, seemed pretty chill, a lot of nice guys and girls. Anyway, I started drinking pretty early in the night and hadn't eaten much that day so I was feeling a bit nauseous, so I went to the bathroom to try and throw up so I wouldn't embarrass myself by throwing up later. On my way to the bathroom I start chatting with a female friend (the host) who is fairly attractive, and I had a feeling she might be attracted to me too.
Anyway, I start making the moves and things go pretty well, so I lean in and we start making out. She seems really into it and eager, and suggests that we move things into the bedroom, which I agree to. We close the door, get into bed together, and continue kissing, and then I move my fingers down south and start having a little fun. After a minute of this, I start to feel queasy, so I sit up, and vomit literally all over her and her bed.
Needless to say, didn't get laid that night, ended up sleeping in a bed filled with my own vomit, had to clean up the bed and the vomit the next morning, and because my clothes were soaked in the vomit, had to go home in her clothes (female clothes), while carrying my puke stained bag containing my puke stained clothes.
bryansm1208: Why would you just not go home and sleep in a bed with no vomit?
This doesn't add up. I don't why she would let you sleep in her house and then wear her clothes when you could have just gone home.
Uncle_Sam_I_am: OP must be really good at fingering
Nuts_unbusted: HAHAHAH awesome
| 4 | 34.75 | |
1409602979 | 1409620682 | t3_2f7230 | t5_2to41 | 107 | kirlysue: TIFU by feeding my boyfriend chocolate
My boss just bought a huge bag of mini Reese's peanut butter cups, and knowing my boyfriend loves them, I took a few home with me for him. I walked into the barn where he was cleaning the mangers. His hands were full and dirty, so I just fed them to him myself. He seemed pretty happy that I surprised him with his favourite chocolates, and he seemed pretty relaxed.
Well, I forgot about him having incredibly fast reflexes, and having bad nerves sometimes. When I pulled my hand away after feeding him the last one, apparently he thought I was heading for his nipple to pinch him. So he flung his fist out as far and fast as it would go. Right. Into. My. Boob. I wasn't wearing a bra, so my poor breast took %100 of the impact. I fell to the ground, out of breath, crying.
He apologized over and over again, and we eventually laughed about it, but oh my dear lord I have never felt pain like that in my life! No more chocolates for him, no sir!
Landredr: Going by whats usually posted in TIFU I expected the chocolate to be laced with LSD. Good to know it was just some physical comedy.
kirlysue: Seriously? Lol I would no longer have a boyfriend if I did that :p
Carryonbro: It depends on your boyfriend maybe he loves LSD
kirlysue: Some probably do, mine is not one of them :p
| 5 | 21.4 | |
1412018686 | 1412020226 | t3_2htdbg | t5_2to41 | 13 | KoD123455: TIFU by going for a piss
Ok, so this didn't happen today, it actually happened a few years ago. Also, my first language is not English so bare with me.
We used to go to a friend's parent's cabin in the mountains, or rather at the foot of the mountains, to have a weekend of heavy drinking every few months and on new year's. It was pretty fun, we were all friends hanging out there, some females and we behaved like teenagers should. Anyway one of those times, I got pretty wasted and there was a river nearby that I hadn't visited before. It wasn't really far away, maybe a 15 minute walk.
So, me and 2 friends went for a piss, I said I wanted to go to the river to releave myself. I didn't know there was a small stream very near to the cabin a little up a hill, they thought I meant that one and when I told them I meant the other, they were like "dud way too far away!" and then just peed right were they were. I thought to myself "self, we will do this alone!" And went down the hill, to the big river to have a glorious view while releaving myself.
It took drunken me probably quite a bit more than 15 minutes but I made it. Huge ass River, nice view of the area surrounding us, awesome!
So I peed and I really don't know why but I walked in the opposite direction of where I had come from and the rise was pretty damn steep but I thought I could climb that with ease. So I did, came almost two steps before I lost my footing and fell down into the river.
I had not only consumed alcohol that day and maybe it was the combination plus the shock from the cold water, I don't know but somehow this almost knocked me out. For the first minute or so all I could do was keep above surface, but it got a little better after than and I was able to somewhat swim. It took me a few tries but I had managed to get close to the riverside now.
Then, I don't know what the odds of this happening are but then, I saw two people walking right there and shouted for help. It was some elderly married couple and the man helped me get out of the water, they took me to their home, stripped me naked, dried me, gave me clothes from their son or something and led me to a bed.
You CANNOT picture the shock I had the next morning when I was in a strange room in a strange bed in strange clothes. Took me a few seconds to realize what had happened.
I got a nice breakfast and they drove me back to my friends, still in the other clothes. I don't think they will ever stop telling this story...
tl;dr: Got drunk and high, went for a riverside piss, fell in the river on my way back home, elderly folks saved me and I got a free breakfast.
Edit: spelling and stuff.
[deleted]: This is an important question: was any part of you particularly sore the next day?
KoD123455: My legs a little from kicking under water but nothing else.
[deleted]: I was just wondering. You know that you can barely pass out in front of your friends without getting something drawn on you, stuck in you, or put on you. Imagine what some backwoods "strangers" might do while you are KTFO.
KoD123455: They were very nice to me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1412012580 | 1412027040 | t3_2ht19s | t5_2to41 | -6 | battering-ram: TIFU: By bringing my 4 year old into the bathroom at Walmart
The entire ride to Walmart he is in the back of the car yelling he has to go Pee Pee. I am upset naturally thinking why didn't he go before we left. Well of course he tells me "he didn't have to go then"..so we enter Walmart and pass the parade of people standing in line waiting to return items and whatever to get to the restroom. Once we were in the restroom, the biggest wall of stank just blows right into me almost knocking me over. The Last guy that was in there, really did a Number...obviously #2. My kid proceeded to yell out "DADDY, it smells like poop in here" !! I tell him, yes I know...just hurry up and Pee. He tells me " I can't, it smells too bad"...then I hear a guy in the stall yell out "Sorry about that" ...omg. I did not know someone was in there. Made my kid finish and wash his hands and got the hell out of that bathroom before the Bomb Dropper realized who we were.
Moral of the story: Make sure your kids do their business before they leave the house!!
lord_sherlock_holmes: A kid being a kid is not FU...smh
battering-ram: I never once said my kid fucked up. Geez. I said I fucked up, meaning I should not have done that. I should have made him use the bathroom before we left realizing he is just a kid.
lord_sherlock_holmes: I never said your kid FU either or implied that. I just simplified your story and said there was no FU at all. Holy shit you are acting like the world stopped turning because your kid had to go to the bathroom and said something loudly...your child is just like every other child and to assume otherwise is asinine. No, your FU was posting this and expecting anything different.
battering-ram: You still aren't getting it. I have come to the realization that you are probably just a Troll, however with that being said, My Kid did not Fuck up, nor as you said was implied. a Kid is just a Kid...and I get that !!! I should have taken that into consideration before deciding to use a Public Restroom!! Just because you and I get that kids will be kids and say whatever the fuck they want, not everyone else is cool with that. Could lead to some embarrassing situations. Some things can be avoided, some things cannot. This one could have been avoided, hence I fucked up by using a Public Restroom when I should have made him use the bathroom at home. a "fuck Up" can be defined as something going wrong, causing someone grief...or in this case an embarrassing situation. I'm done here. Some people just like to argue.
| 5 | -1.2 | |
1409605182 | 1409700450 | t3_2f75tq | t5_2to41 | 15 | throwawaytissue5: TIFU by trying to multi-task 'The Fappening' and Facebook [NSFW]
I'd just found out about 'The Fappening' aka celeb picture leaks on Facebook, so obviously started having a look for pictures while not ignoring my mate on there.
Found the pictures, took my tablet to my room and started whacking off to the JLaw pictures, flicking back and forth between them and Facebook.
However, while typing on Facebook I wasn't thinking about where my penis was pointing, and how close I was to completion. Few seconds later, my face was covered in my own mess, with some going into my open mouth.
TL;DR - JLaw made me give myself a facial.
Cproo12: What are these pics??? Any sources or something?
Alucard783: Search for the subreddit "fappening"
Rebootkid: Seems that subreddit has been heavily censored. Sadly.
Alucard783: i only go on the one, but there are around three i think
| 5 | 3 | |
1409599218 | 1409610334 | t3_2f6vx8 | t5_2to41 | 10 | DrHelminto: TIFU by offending an evangelical christian on twitter by calling him a pejorative word that describes and belittles his culture (and all other participants of his religion)
So here's the story:
The host of a sports talk show in the TV said something wrong. He was technically mistaken when he tried to interpret the results of a survey conducted by the most professional survey company in my country.
I am not american.
So I went to twitter to warn this host that he was wrong and should take better care of what he says on live TV, even though it was a local show.
Now, I actually used to like this guy and took my time sending him a twitter message to help and to give further constructive criticism. I wasn't in a bad temper and was really polite towards him.
After a few minutes he replied in a very rude manner: "I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand"
That pissed me off. I replied him that I just tried to correct him on a technical detail of the survey but he kept bashing me, saying he hated people like me, and I should be more humble.
That was it for me, I got really angry. To think I used to like this guy, what a douche. So I said:
"You should be humble enough to acknowledge statistics are not your area of knowledge. Humility isn't typical of ~~'evangelical christians~~'"
Now, instead of saying "evangelical christians", I said "Crente", that is the term we here use to describe ALL evangelical christians and has a bad conotation, especially given the context, I did it to offend.
After a few minutes I realised what I did and deleted the twitt, but I'm sure he saw it.
Ended up in guilty weekend, this happened friday.
Most evangelical christians here do refer to themselves as "crente", so it is not as bad as racial slurs. But this guy is also a baptist pastor, so he won't take it very well.
RabSimpson: You called an evangelical christian a 'believer'? Sorry, Portuguese isn't a language I have much experience with and that's what Google Translate gave me (this is assuming it's even Portuguese in the first place).
All that being said, evangelical christians are typically egotistical fundies who deserve any and all scorn you can throw at them for trying to force their crap upon everyone they meet.
DrHelminto: The term can have a bad meaning if said angrly. There is not, however, any problem in using it freely. Major evangelical christians websites are called "Crente Portal" or "Crente Webpage".
But I didn't want thousand of people being able to see me being utterly intolerant. Never twitting again, that's for sure. It is scary.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409605297 | 1409700538 | t3_2f7610 | t5_2to41 | 41 | ThrownAway1012223: TIFU by meeting an escort- NSFW
So, being the curious lad I was- I thought it would be fun to meet up with an escort and see how that would go. I was missing the comfort and support of my current gf of 3 months so bad, I thought I could do this one thing and be fine with it. So I went on back-pages in my local area to see if there was anything I could literally do.
Sure enough, I meet one and all seems to go well until I actually meet up with said lady. Turns out she didn't have much class, and the hour long fun-time was in actuality 10 minutes of "trying" to live a fantasy, 15 min walking to the nearest convenience store to buy more male protection, and 45 minutes eating at a local KFC/Wendy's since law enforcement arrived at the motel we were meeting at.
So, being the businessman I was, I asked if I could get half of the money back since it was clearly under 1 hour of fun-time. So we walk back to the motel after law enforcement left, and I walk into her room and see another African American gentleman smoking not medical mary jane. So, I abruptly told her she could keep the money, I would not come back tomorrow for a "free visit", and I left.
Lesson of the story- some things that are fantasies, should always stay fantasies. And I know now, I will never look at another girl ever again besides my own awesome lady. I sound like a total jackass doing this to her- and I know now it is never worth it. I can only hope when I eventually tell her this story, she will forgive me for my stupidly.
TIFU by throwing away $140, and gaining a bad experience and a guilty conscious.
shit-I-justfuckedup: Never tell her. Terrible idea. If you fuck up, and really feel bad about it, that's good enough. She'll leave you if you tell her. No ifs or buts, she'll leave. Do. Not. Say. A. Word.
canwegoback: Lol at these people condoning cheating. I wonder what everyone would be saying if the genders were reversed...
dizzykitty: The same thing?
canwegoback: You think the misogynistic neckbeards here are going to advise a cheating woman not tell her unknowing awesome boyfriend? Give me a rest.
Travie_Westside: Zoe?
canwegoback: I'm a guy, I just love pointing out reddit hypocrisy.
spacedoutinspace: I think your trying to force a stereotype where none exist.
Ghostofazombie: At least the stereotype of idiots always using "your" and "you're" incorrectly continues to hold true.
spacedoutinspace: and asshole still bringing up the same stupid fucking argument, as if your important enough to even pause and put a ' anywhere...if its a big FUCK YOU to people like you, ill continue to do it
Ghostofazombie: You seem neato.
| 11 | 3.727273 | |
1412019677 | 1412024837 | t3_2htfb1 | t5_2to41 | 55 | crazydrew: Tifu by using my roommate's razor.
My roommate's name is Brennan, and we both have the same type of razor. This morning, after I finished shaving, I noticed a "b" written on the razor in sharpie. "Shit!" I thought, "This 'b' must mean that this is Brennan's razor."Later, I apologized to Brennan for accidentally using his razor. "We have the same razor," said Brennan. "I just always use them interchangeably." "Doesn't the 'b' stand for Brennan?" I asked. It stood for balls.
henhoo: Why is he shaving his balls?
crazydrew: I don't even know.
AwfulAnswersAnon: Would you like to floss with your girls bag hair? Then I imagine most girls/gay men feel the same way about ball hair. BTW is his last name maddison? This sounds familiar.
crazydrew: No, his last name isn't Madison. Lol, has this happened to somebody else that you know?
AwfulAnswersAnon: He lives in an army barracks that shit happens a lot.
| 6 | 9.166667 | |
1409602195 | 1409700129 | t3_2f70s4 | t5_2to41 | 25 | N0tEnuffMana: TIFU by hitting up Backpage
I hired an escort off of backpage hearing nothing but good things about it. TIFU'd by bringing her to my house, which I share. As soon as she arrives it's like she swallowed a balloon full of speed she was trying to smuggle across the border. She started going crazy! I still got mine, but now I'm staying up late at night waiting for some gangsters to come try and rob my house. Also kind of hoping it happens before my roomates get back from vacation.
pixelated_fun: 1. How did she go crazy?
2. Why did you not kick her out?
3. Why did you think this was a good idea?
N0tEnuffMana: 1. she lost the money, threatened to rob me.
2. I told her that she could either leave, or I call the cops, (the third option was killing a bitch but I didn't mention that for fear of losing what little control I had of the situation)
3. I really didn't think it was a good idea. Just trying something new... Never again.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1412016512 | 1412084328 | t3_2ht8zk | t5_2to41 | 12 | riverrat0341: TIFU by letting my neighbors watch my dog.
The reason I let my neighbors watch my dog is that my other neighbor's dog were getting out of his fence and into the neighbors yard behind us. (typical neighborhood) This brought the Tuscaloosa, Al animal control out to our neighborhood in an attempt to catch his dogs. After about the 2nd unsucessful day, I came home from school to find the animal control officer, with a police officer at his side, attempting to noose his dogs over the fence. I immediately asked him what the hell he thought he was doing and what gave him the right to jerk the dogs over the fence (in their own yard) by the neck! He told me about the complaint but wouldn't say who complained. Then asked if the dogs belonged to the owner of the yard they were standing in, in which I replied hell yes and you need to leave. Knowing that they were on a mission I asked my other neighbors to watch after my (inside) dog since they also had one. I got a call from them about lunch in which they stated the animal control had set up a baited trap in the neighbors yard behind mine and that our dogs went over and mine got in the trap. When animal control tried to get my dog out she ran like hell, my neighbors picked her up and called. 2 days later I got a knock on the door from the sheriff, handed a letter which stated I had to be in court for "Dog At Large." I show up to court on the appointed day, judge asked how I plea and I said, "well my dog did get out but there's more to the story." Her reply was, "learn to keep your dog put up, guilty. You are hearby sentenced 30 days in jail, reduced to 2 years of probation, $500 in fines plus court costs." I immediately go to UA legal and they take the case for an appeal. Come to find out, if your dog or cat is not on a lease in Tuscaloosa Al, you can be sentanced to 30 days in jail, $500 in fines, $100+ in court cost and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. My appeal is set for tomorrow. Can someone please tell me how this is fair and just? I am a Navy vet (didn't know this was what I fought for), UA grad, engineer at Honda, never been in trouble in the sense of jail time in my life but apparently I can be thrown in jail over a dog. And just in case you're wondering, no the dog did not harm anyone or anything. Just baited by a nice juicy raw steak....
lord_sherlock_holmes: 30 days in jail for loose dog is overkill so I have a hard time believing this. Especially since I looked up this law and it is a misdemeanor punishable by a fine of $2-$50.
lord_sherlock_holmes: § 3-1-5. Permitting dogs to run at large; applicability of provisions of section in counties and certain cities or towns.
(a) Every person owning or having in charge any dog or dogs shall at all times confine such dog or dogs to the limits of his own premises or the premises on which such dog or dogs is or are regularly kept. Nothing in this section shall prevent the owner of any dog or dogs or other person or persons having such dog or dogs in his or their charge from allowing such dog or dogs to accompany such owner or other person or persons elsewhere than on the premises on which such dog or dogs is or are regularly kept. Any person violating this section shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be fined not less than $2.00 nor more than $50.00.
(b) This section shall not apply to the running at large of any dog or dogs within the corporate limits of any city or town in this state that requires a license tag to be kept on dogs nor shall this section apply in any county in this state until the same has been adopted by the county commission of such county.
(Acts 1915, No. 185, p. 259; Code 1923, § 3221; Code 1940, T. 3, § 5.)
riverrat0341: Mr. Riverrat:
As per our phone conversation on September 25, England, who is presiding over your case, requires that the defendant be present to enter a plea of guilty. If you agree to accept the plea deal offered by the City Attorney, then this would be entered at the time of your docket appearance on Tuesday, September 30, at 1:30PM.
The City Attorney typically offers on appeal the same sentence as the lower court, which here would be $150 fine and 30 days jail suspended for 2 years probation (plus court costs). In your case, the C.A. offered to increase the fine in exchange for dropping the jail time suspended for two years probation.
The C.A.'s offer for your case is a $450 fine (the $150 + $10 per day of jail time that he would drop) as well as court costs.
As I said in our conversation, you have the final say as to whether you want to accept this plea deal ($450 fine). The Civil Law Clinic's supervising attorney, Jess, thinks this is a reasonable offer given the circumstances, as the maximum legal sentence for violating a municipal ordinance is a $500 fine and up to 30 days jail time (plus court costs), and advises that you accept. Whether you choose to accept or not, contact me at this e-mail address or phone the Civil Law Clinic at xxxxx and ask for Steph, and Ms. Var and I will make arrangements accordingly.
Thanks,
Steph
Law Student
University of Alabama School of Law
Civil Law Clinic
note: I edited names and numbers to avoid identifying personal info but this is my plea deal....
lord_sherlock_holmes: If you truly got this then I would tell them to fuck off and cite the Alabama penal code I cited.
riverrat0341: and go to jail... I contacted my lawyer, the UA students did the research. I basically found that if it was on a management area they could hit me with what they did but can't find anything that says they can get away with the sentence they gave me, but yes, I really did get this and why I appealed it... I really don't believe it's legal.
| 6 | 2 | |
1412019200 | 1412055098 | t3_2htebm | t5_2to41 | 1,275 | bipolardiabetic: TIFU - by telling my wife she should Google how to give.... NSFW
a blowjob.
We were having a somewhat playful conversation, and it somehow turned into telling the other how to do something better.
And I decided to go all out. Google baby.
Wasn't well thought out, and she has now said "my mouth will never touch your penis again". So not to be outdone, I decided to take it up another notch.
"Well, if you aren't going to attempt to learn or perform it... I'll just find someone else that will!". Yeah, I'm a dumb ass, and I have no intention of doing that.... but too late now.. I said it.
So when I went to climb in bed last night, I found all my sleeping gear outside the bedroom door with the door locked. She left one small note on top of my pillow.
"Learn how to make a woman have an orgasm".
So. I got to sleep on the couch and all my self-esteem related to satisfying a women went out the window.
Guessing flowers and a card won't get me out of this one.
brannana: If you want to make it worse, leave the house for a while. Only leave a note behind that says, "Out doing research on your request..." Make sure to leave that note on top of the note she left you.
If you want to try and make amends without ignoring the argument, go with a "Things got out of control last night, but it may not be a bad thing. We both said some things that indicate that each of us has some learning to do when it comes to pleasing the other. So, instead of throwing insults at each other, why don't we work at teaching each other?"
[deleted]: This is the correct answer.
Possummz: Which one? Option 1 or 2?
PsychonaticInstitute: You decide!
banana_slap: I always died in those damn books.
LXIV: The trick was to leave your finger in the place you started, so that if you didn't like the outcome, you could always go back.
This ~~advise~~ advice might apply to OP's situation too.
edit: spalling ar hard
JustBeanThings: I'm guessing you play video games by loading your last save every time you do something stupid.
LXIV: You just made me have a college flashback. I used to love playing Crusader: No Regret and Crusader: No Remorse. The quick save and quick load keys were adjacent to each other... something like F4 and F5. Constantly I'd fuck up, and with the intent of reloading my last quick save, I'd inevitably hit the wrong button. The game would say "quick save" or "quick load," depending on which button you pressed. For a stretch of time, there was a chorus of "quick save" followed by "DAMNIT" coming from my dorm.
tl;dr: I didn't get laid a lot in college.
ThisKillsTheCrabb: Loaded an SNES, Gamecub, and Wii emulator on the computer over the past week to enjoy some nostalgia.. I've done that exact thing at least 10 times
| 10 | 127.5 | |
1409606458 | 1409648210 | t3_2f77sv | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by stopping my cat getting out
Today my girlfriend and I decided to do to do the dirty. Since we were alone we decided we'd do it somewhere other than the bed, so we ended up deciding to do it on the dining room table!
I, being me, was very anxious about this decision since I was worried someone would come in. To appease this paranoia of mine, i decided to lock the front door, so if anyone DID come home the door would be locked. Obviously it would be suspicious in itself, but that would still be better than someone walking in on us.
Anyway, we started going at it, and all was going well, she loved it blah blah blah. The table was shaking rather precariously under the weight of two people surf n turfing, which was kinda worrying me. Alas, this was not the fuck up.
About 10 minutes into it, we heard this metalic clanging from the hallway, and it only took me a second to realise what it was... Someone was trying to unlock the door. Adrenaline rushed over me, and I frantically pulled out and was blubbering to my girlfriend about how someone was home. We both just grabbed our clothes and ran upstairs, however, due to my house layout, you can see the stairs through the window in the door!
I left My girlfriend naked in my room, threw on my clothes and rushed to compose myself as I opened the door... to my fucking sister. At this point I was sure she knew what had occurred, and in braced myself for awkward hellos and eye contact.
So, of course, I was surprised when she angrily asked why the hell I had locked the door! I had no idea what to say, I didn't think this part through! I knew this was the moment, if I played it right, could bypass every awful scenario that could occur from my 13 year old sister realising my girlfriend and I were having sex...downstairs...where we all eat our meals. Yes, yes! Everything was gonna be okay! Fate had finally turned in my favour!
So, the all important line to completely avoid this awful situation I decided to say was, 'erm... Oh... Yeah... Sorry I was stopping the Cat getting out...' Yep... Out of all the excuses in the world, I decided that I was gonna infer that my lazy, fat cat had suddenly learned how to open a fucking front door, and I needed to combat this by using a deadlock, which would stop anyone from getting in from the outside...
There was a couple of seconds as this ran through her head, and then we both looked at eachother, and the look in her eyes confirmed the worst. Yep, my poor, innocent, 13 year old sister worked out she had interrupted My girlfriend and I having sex on our dining room table.
TL;DR - almost didn't get caught fucking my gf by my little sister, then my cat gave it all away.
oomellieoo: How....even though you were fully clothed, the girlfriend was nowhere in sight, and you made no mention of damage or disarray caused by your tryst....did she come to THAT specific conclusion? Either this is a whopper or your poor innocent little sister ain't so innocent.
twigface: Well, she knew my gf was here anyway, I had my shirt on backwards, but what really gave it away was how flustered I was and guilty I looked, I don't know how you WOULDN'T come to that conclusion? And obviously she knows what sex is, she's 13
oomellieoo: Has your 13 year old sister seen so many people post-coitus that she's already an expert at identifying them immediately on sight? You're not making this better lol
twigface: I don't know dude, I'm hardly gonna ask her? If you don't wanna believe it then fine, you don't have to :L
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1411778429 | 1411779394 | t3_2hkto2 | t5_2to41 | 22 | Lalala1234567891011: TIFU by seeing one of my friends on a gay webcam website....
So basically earlier on today I was bored and horny so I decided to go onto a popular gay webcam website. So I was browsing for about 10 minutes when a very familiar looking face pops up... I stopped and looked for a second and instantly realised it was one of my old best friends, who I could've sworn was one of the straightest guys I know, and I quickly pressed stop (thankfully my whole face wasn't showing) due to the immediate shock which killed my boner.
So after about 5 minutes of WTFing I decided to go back on to verify if it was him or not and it turns out it is definitely him because the room looks the same as when I last went round his house.
I feel so awkward now because I had no idea he was gay and I get my weed from him lol... What do I do?
TD;LR: went on gay webcam website, saw old best friend who is 'straight', my gaydar is very inaccurate, need to find a new dealer
EDIT: spelling
HankMardewkus: It was defiantly him. Did you mean to say definitely, or was he actually on the cam site in a defiant manner?
Lalala1234567891011: Both
MrSneakyFox: Have the sex.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1409605392 | 1409634909 | t3_2f7660 | t5_2to41 | 10 | nothayha: TIFU by not saying "no"
It has been almost exactly 4 years to the day that my FU has happened, so it seems fitting for me to post now. The embarrassment and shame has completely disappeared, but the people involved will probably never talk to me, ever again, but it's no loss on my part. So here is the gist of things: I am not exactly fond for kids. I find them annoying sometimes, and I can't stand being near them most of the time.
But I am a very helpful person, think "Wilt" from Fosters Friends, who will never say "NO" no matter what. And this, my friends, is where things get royally Fucked Up: A former friend of mine is going out on a trip over to Yellowstone with her significant other, but finds trips with her kids a major headache. Knowing me, she comes up to me, and asks if I am willing to babysit them. I knew she would disown me if I said "no", even though the next day I had work. I said "yes"...but I hesitated and told her I had work that day. She told me "just use to office's kid play place. They all have them now, right?" I knew, right then and there, that I was screwed. My office building had nothing like that. I tried to reconsider, but she said she would blackmail me by letting everyone on Facebook know that I am a "childless monster" if I said no. And yes, it gets worse from here on out.
I brought them over the next day, the parents were already on the plane by that point. I went to my boss, and asked him about this. Unsurprisingly, he said "No, this is not an enviroment for kids. Why don't you go call someone, and let them take over for you." So my boss went over with me to a nearby pay phone where I went and called my brother for help. Then...My boss came to me, all pissed off. "Why did you leave them in my office!" My boss yelled. Oops. When I went back, his office was a mess, with several antique Chinese vases all smashed to the floor , and an antique Bible from the 17th Century that has been in his family for generations, all torn to bits. The little girl simply said "I'm bored."
To make a long story short, I got fired, and my friend's won't come near me because "I emotionally abused them" or some other stupid reason. 4 years later, and they, thankfully, never talked to me. So yeah, I got fired, several priceless antiques have been destroyed, and some close friends think I'm a child abuser all because I didn't say "NO".
Lunatick93: I don't want to sound like a dick, but that was stupid. Why did you agree to babysit after the blackmail? I'd get it if it was a friendly form of blackmail, like a college secret or a lighthearted joke, but something like child molestation, fuck them.
nothayha: If you knew me in real-life, you would realize that I am the type of person who, when pushed enough, would make at the very least, a passive-aggressive remark. I try to see the good in people, but I am always proven wrong. My main problem is that I am not assertive enough. I try hard to seem like a nice guy, even though I experience rude things from people. Looking back, I knew I should have been a bit more firm, and maybe this whole ordeal would never have happened.
Lunatick93: Haha I read that as child molestor instead of childless monster. That's why I was outraged. Still, that was still bad. I hope you found a better job right after that.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411748827 | 1411832752 | t3_2hjfyf | t5_2to41 | 80 | TheHooDooer: UPDATE: Tifu by letting a girl take selfies on my phone
Tl;dr from the last post: a cool new girl at work took selfies on my phone and saw pictures of naked celebrities.
Also, a preface. I always leave my phone around while working because I usually work alone, like I did after she left. Also, I didn't mind that she took my phone to take selfies, I thought it was cute. Plus I rarely have anything incriminating stored locally (we all have our demons) so the one time I fucked up warranted a post here.
A few hours after she left work that day, we didn't text at all. It went from talking nonstop to dead silence, which sucked for me. Until she eventually sends me a text asking me how work was going. Finally the silence was broken, so we texted as my shift went on. It was as if nothing happened. The next day we texted occasionally but not without long pauses in between.
I knew that I had to work with her as soon as I could to clear up any damage, so I checked the schedule for work and saw that she was closing by herself the next day. I conjured up a bullshit excuse and asked my boss if I could get some extra hours by closing with her that night. My boss said it was cool so I texted her asking if she was bored. As expected, she didn't respond so I showed up anyways with coffee... While we worked together the first time we talked about how we liked our coffee for some reason.
As soon I walked in the door, she turned to look who came in and noticed me with coffee in hand. Cue highly appreciative squeals and a big, drawn out hug. And that was it. We worked together again, I showed her how to do more stuff around the store, and when it got quiet again we talked and talked and talked.
I didn't think I needed to bring up what she saw on my phone, and judging by her reaction when I showed up I don't think she cared in the slightest. I'm thankful everything ended up better than expected, and that I got a somewhat not really successful post on /r/TIFU without shitting my pants. Thanks for reading everyone.
FuckyouAvast: Well that was a boring fuckup. Celebrity nudes on your phone? Tame by any standards.
llamadong: It doesn't cast a *greattt* light on him to his crush, but I think she'll notice that he worked to patch things up and that's pretty badass
FuckyouAvast: You think that is badass? Jesus what is this amateur hour?
llamadong: Sorry, wasn't aware I was talking to a ~~class-act pickup artist with a 100% success rate~~ jackass.
FuckyouAvast: There's nothing impressive in this story. If you think that OP is a badass because he offered coffee to this girl, who as far as I can tell is only his friend, you have an extremely low bar for being impressed.
llamadong: The act of offering coffee in itself is mundane, however the fact that he was able to smooth it out easily and cleanly is a good job done by OP. Now go find something to do, you really have no place here.
FuckyouAvast: Smooth what out? She saw porn on his phone, tame celeb porn. There was really nothing to smooth out. The fact that you think his continued friendship after such a nonevent is badass shows how little experience you have in life. And I have no place here? What is here, a place of virgins? Give me a break.
llamadong: Alright, Elliot Rodger, see ya soon
| 9 | 8.888889 | |
1409608637 | 1409643728 | t3_2f7boh | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by complaining to my wife that I wanted to have sex with Kate Upton, while I was making love to my wife.
That's pretty much it. She's not happy. I'm an idiot. Learn from my mistake, people.
soalone34: maintain your dominance and ask her to recite lines from Tower Heist
duckmuffins: She was in Tower Heist?
[deleted]: yeah took me a while to think but she appeared in a very short cutscene as a young escort to a rich old tenant in the building
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409608414 | 1409616850 | t3_2f7bcc | t5_2to41 | 80 | euler3142: TIFU by choosing maths over my girlfriend
This was a few months ago now but can't resist sharing this now I've found somewhere suitable.
At the time, I was in the final year of my undergrad maths degree and I had my girlfriend round to have a night off from studying and watch a film. We started to get a bit frisky then I realised I didn't have any condoms in my room, so I went to go and get one from one of my flatmates. On the way back, I spotted I'd left one of my maths books open on the coffee table in the living room. I suddenly had a brainwave about one of the problems on the page it was left open on, so couldn't help but get to work, temporarily forgetting about my horny girlfriend sitting naked in my room.
About 30 minutes later, I started to hear screaming and crying from my room, so I rushed back. My girlfriend was very angry and accused me of always choosing maths over her and gave me an ultimatum of either I start paying more attention to her or she leaves me. I told her that I can't help being enthusiastic about my subject and she will have to deal with it - she then put her clothes on, walked out and slammed the door. I decided to sleep on it before deciding what to do, but when I tried to contact her via Facebook in the morning I discovered her relationship status was "Single" and that she had de-friended me.
TLDR: Chose to do maths instead of my girlfriend, became single
surdulitis: Very well done. Mathematics are the single way to accurately describe reality. While philosophical reasoning comes close to approriate answers, only mathematics come close to fully applied reason. Your choice was approriate. Mathematics are more usefull.
voodoo_ganja: True. But spelling is betterer.
PsychoticWhispers: >splelling
| 4 | 20 | |
1412021648 | 1412022376 | t3_2htj57 | t5_2to41 | 4 | PalaceBoy: TIFU by drinking the wrong bottle
In my recent TIFU I said I was an extremely idiotic person, and after seeing the TIFU of me locking myself out of my own house go pretty well I thought I'd tell you redditors another of my most stupid TIFU's (I have a couple of them stored for some other time).
So this TIFU is a fairly basic one - I was at a house party, and because me and my friends all decided that I was to be the sober one in the group I could not get drunk at all. Here's where I fail at that. On the table holding all the drinks were a couple of bottles, including about 3 that looked like water bottles. Well they were water bottles, but inside them was vodka. Pure vodka. After finishing 1 I was feeling pretty tipsy, and I am very lightweight, so my condition was worsening throughout the party and I was walking into walls, walking into people and saying things I didn't even remember. Apparently I tried to unbutton a girls shirt and said "let me see your pocket full of treasure" while doing so. It was fair to say I never talked to her again.
Now I look back at it, I should have known that there was vodka in those water bottles - I even told myself I should have brought my own drinks, but the person who held the party assured me that there would be drinks containing no alcohol whatsoever.
End of the party I had drank 1 whole bottle and half or a quarter of another and the person who held the party let me stay over. My friends were pretty pissed off as I ended up being most drunkest compared to all my friends when I was supposed to be sober.
For those wondering; in my group we always have a sober one at a party, so if someone get's so drunk the sober person brings him/her home and tell the parents of them that they were feeling sick or hit their head, or if they were living in their own flat we would place them in their bed with a bucket next to them.
TL;DR - Meant to be the sober one at the party, drank bottle of vodka (thought it was water), got so drunk, said a few odd things, friends were pretty pissed off.
JustNilt: I'm confused how you avoid noticing it's vodka when you take the first sip, let alone opening it. I mean, sure, voda can look just like water. It just seems odd that you managed to guzzle enough to even *feel* it before it sank in.
PalaceBoy: I'd like to ask myself the same thing, but in the heat of a party I just grabbed what was closest to me that looked nonalcoholic. Make of it what you will. I won't be making the same mistake again.
Edit - I didn't notice the taste too much as I moreorless threw the vodka right down my throat. I mean yea, after a few huge gulps my taste buds decided to alert me that this wasn't water, but I couldn't careless at the time. Finally enough of that managed to encourage me to drink more as I was basically drunk.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409608535 | 1409611159 | t3_2f7bir | t5_2to41 | 9 | JediCreed94: TIFU by being responsible
**TL;DR:**
* Helped SO's sister move to college; we all get accused of taking things from the crazy mother's house. Cops called, family broken
* Decided to use my own funds to pay for 1 rather cheap book and school supplies; got fucked over by a surprise textbook
* Re-planned month budget with new textbook; got fucked over by a surprise car-lockout and shitty insurance coverage
* Planned on taking the day to clean messy room to boost morale; got fucked over by a surprise bug-bombing, putting a 12:00 p.m. deadline on cleaning much more than I had planned.
* Got a new wheelchair last week that makes me more mobile, and more independent when I get my own car; won't fit in parent's car trunk, and the more complicated dis-assembly made my gf even more late than she already was from me trying to clean the room.
And now gf doesn't want us to continue our tradition of me spending her lunch and break with her at work.
_____
So, here's been my week.
Last week, my mom, SO, her sister, and myself help the sister move into college apartments. It should be noted first off, that things are already tense with the sister and mother, and my gf's mother is literally insane, and an evil bitch. That's a whole other post. Anyways, she accuses both of them of stealing movies, and a bracelet that went missing 2 months ago, kicks my gf out (the sister was already moved out, and already not welcome) tells them to kill themselves and burn in Hell, like the good Christian woman she is (not even joking, she seriously believes she's some messiah or something), calls the cops on them, and keeps them separated from their younger sisters still living there from contacting them ever again (mind you, this is over movies...MOVIES! How can a mother do that?), and her ex husband is terrified of pissing off this crazy woman, and losing weekend rights to the younger siblings (he absolutely loves those girls. They're all he has really. Good guy.), and won't let them over there to see them either.
This is just the first day of this grand week. I know this isn't directed at me, but you can imagine how hard this hit my SO. She still remembers her mom as she was before she was on all her pain meds and constantly high on medical marijuana, so it hurt her bad.
Since my SO has moved in with my family and I due to the problems at home, we've been inseparable. Over the summer I'd go to work with her to get me out of the house and to motivate me to get homework for my summer calc class done, and now for fall semester homework, and now on top of that, we're living together, so with the exception of school, we're always around each other.
But lately things have been getting stressful. She accidentally locked her keys in the car yesterday, costing us (we just pool our money at this point in our relationship) $115 we don't exactly have due to some complications with FAFSA Pell Grant funds, and a dumbass teacher's surprise textbook that wasn't listed.
Basically what happened was that the Pell Grant is covering my classes, and instead of dipping into loan money for books and supplies, I decided I could pay about $50 for it myself with my own social security funds. Then, on the first day of the class, the teacher lets the class know that she couldn't decide on what textbook she wanted to use until now, so she chose a very new, very particular, very hard to find, thus very expensive book.
"Damn, that sucks, but we're ok, we'll just have to be extra smart for groceries."
Which we were. We easily have a month's worth of food for about $200, plus a few necessities. But if anyone knows how it goes for young adults just starting out, you can probably guess that shit will go wrong.
The universe gave us the good ol' 1, 2, punch. Like I said, my SO made a mistake that we all have: locked the keys in the car. The only problem is, my gf's insurance agent forgot to mention to us that he took off roadside assistance, among other things, from her plan to keep insurance down for her first real car.
Needless to say, we've been a little stressed the past few days. It doesn't help that our room has been a mess lately. You know how when your room is messy, you just feel that much shittier? Well, I decided I should take part of the day to casually clean it up; maybe it'd make us feel a little better about life.
"Too fucking bad," said the universe. My parents sprung on me last night that we are bug-bombing the house the next day (today), so everything needs to be put away safely, and the floor cleared, and me out of the house by 12:00. Now, it's no secret that my SO is usually a bit of a slob when it comes to picking up after herself, but I'll admit that I contributed heftily this month, and now all of it, and more needs to be put away safely.
She gets most of the clothes on the floor put away last night before we go to bed, and for today, my agenda was to grab a shower (I take notoriously long showers because of my thick, wavy hair. Like no joke, an hour long from getting undressed to dressed and hair combed), eat breakfast, clean the room the rest of the way, pack a lunch, and go to work with my girl at 12:00 to get some homework done. I meticulously clean up, making absolutely positive that anything that might make contact with our faces or skin in general is put up and high away, or otherwise in a bag sealed tight, and making sure the floor is clear of everything, including everything under my bed.
During this process, I find a spider, trap him, and my SO is killing time, studying him, looking up what kind of spider it is. This goes on for about 30 minutes to an hour. I know it's getting close to the time we need to leave and let her know. I'm still blitz-cleaning the room while she gets ready. I've still got lunch for us to make. The time to go is upon us. She's throwing a lunch together, and I'm still bug-bomb-proofing the toiletries, throwing my shoes on and grabbing my bag.
Not only did I fuck up by not managing my time well enough, but then I had to go and call her out on not helping me clean, when really, she did last night. Really, no one is in the right here. We all kinda fucked up, and I shouldn't have been so accusatory.
Hm... probably should've mentioned I'm handicapped before I got this far into the story, but, anyways, I have a new wheelchair. I'm on track to get hand controls for my car soon, so I needed something I could lift and put in the passenger seat if I'm alone. Everyone was so proud of me, figuring out what I need to do to get hand controls, how to pay for it, applying to vocational rehab to help pay and get me licensed, getting the new chair, all by myself. No one else was there to tell me how to do any of this. I never even knew that there was such a thing as vocational rehab. I figured it all out on my own, getting shit done, taking control of my life. You'd think people might tell a disabled high school student how to get his fucking life together and what services there are to help him and how to apply for them, like goddamm social security, AHCCCs, voc rehab. IDK about you guys, but if I were a counselor to a disabled student, I would make fucking sure that he knew how to get things that might be important, like idk.. hand controls to drive to work/school, or a wheelchair!
*phew*, anyways, where was I? This new wheelchair- It's lighter-weight, it has this brand new [power assist technology](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-_hgHJdnu4), it's much more ergonomic... but it's one of those ones that don't fold up, the back just folds down, and the back handles are lower, so it's harder for people to push me. It makes me more independent, but previously unknowingly harder on anyone trying to help me, namely, my gf. It kinda sucks when something isn't quite what you expected. I mean it is, but I didn't realize how hard it'd be for people around me. This one doesn't fold up nicely, so wheels, cushion, and armrests all need to be removed first and then back laid down and carried and stored. What's more, it doesn't fit in my mom's brand new car, so she has to drive her old car to take me to school and go to work from there... that new car was for practically nothing... I feel like shit because of it... I already have some complex about my burden on others, but this... They paid all that money, for that nice new/used car, and I fucked it up... I mean I've had surgeries, and collect SS, but insurance and millions of taxpayers take care of that.. I fucked over my parents out of thousands of dollars... I shouldn't dwell on this any longer...
I've been having a few problems dealing with this, once again my burden on others becoming all too clear to me. It's a love-hate relationship between my chair and I, and me and myself as well lately.
So today, because of the room cleaning absolutely needing to be done before I left, my gf was running a little late to work. The new, more complicated dis-assembly of the chair didn't help much.
She informed me on the way to work that she didn't want me coming to work with her anymore...
She used to ALWAYS want me to come with her, since we don't get to see each other as much with school and all. We pack a lunch, and we spend her lunch and break together. It's nice, and I want it to continue. I sincerely hope she's just overreacting because we're both stressed (which I'm wagering she is. She tends to get a little emotional, but as lovers, you do your best to understand that about them), but I'm not the crazy boyfriend to say, "NO, we spend every minute of every day we can together." It is her workplace after all.
I just really hope that my disability doesn't become too much for her, even though she'll swear until she's blue in the face that she would never do that to me. The worst part about it is, a large part of me wishes she would so that I could just be single and only worry about taking care of myself. Sometimes a life centered around porn, school & challenging myself, and videogames & trading card games sounds so much simpler and easier...
DyrudeSaltstorm: If you don't mind me asking, what does SO stand for? I'm not particularly well aqainted with that term.
Edit: Why are you in a Wheelchair?
JediCreed94: Significant Other. Just another way of saying girlfriend or boyfriend, or what have you.
I have muscular dystrophy. Luckily one of the few that aren't progressive and deadly, but that's another long story in and of itself, as it wasn't *just* MD that caused my disability.
DyrudeSaltstorm: Ahh, thank you, I feel stupid now, best of luck to you on your journeys man.
JediCreed94: Nah, not stupid. It's not exactly intuitive, and I had to ask when I saw it around here too.
But thanks man. I think I'll be ok, I mean I've made it this far, right? Just needed to vent is all. Thanks for reading :)
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1411744911 | 1412343660 | t3_2hj8v1 | t5_2to41 | 22 | Ganwoka: TIFU by using the office mayo to masturbate in the restroom.
For a few years now I have been masturbating in a bathroom stall at work. No big deal, harmless, plus helps me get through the day.
Very recently at home I have been experimenting with using a variety of condiments as a lubricant for masturbating. I have used ketchup, mustard, frank's red hot (mistake), french dressing, bleu cheese dressing, and yes even mayo.
Mmmmmmmm *god* fuckin MAYO is the best god damned sensation I have ever felt on my penis. The best masturbating EVER. I can not necessarily explain why, but it just is.
So anyways, a few days at work I have taken the mayo from the office kitchen into the bathroom for my daily bate. Now I want to emphasize that although I open the mayo in the stall, I never put the lid on any bathoom surface, and I don't reopen after usage. I simply scoop out a handful and close it back up. I take sanitary precautions. It's harmless.
After years of jerking it in the bathroom I have never been caught. When I hear the door opening I simply stop bating and pretend I am taking a dump. (Amusing to me it's perfectly acceptable to defecate in a stall but jacking it is so frowned on, when feces is so much more bacteria ridden and nasty than a little load of semen....) but I finally fucked up the other day.
Like I said, mayo is INTENSE. Best masturbating in my life. So I get more into it than usual. More...I don't know, focused. The point is I didn't hear somebody come in. They did come in. They heard me jacking it, they could tell from the noise there was some sort of sensual slop I was using for lubricant, and they heard me moaning and grunting in an erotic way. When I realized somebody was in the bathroom I became terrified and stopped jacking it. The person out there used the urinal and left quickly.
I stayed in there for like an extra 20 minutes. Cleaned the mayo off my goods. Sat there in the stall in a panic. I figured enough time had passed that whoever it was was truly gone. Wrong as fuck. I went out and saw a co-worker of mine alone with an HR person looking at me in disgust. I of course had the mayo with me. In my panicked state I mumbled that I was sorry but I had only been using the mayo for lube. I don't know what compelled me to be honest.
Anyways when it got out I'd been using the office mayo for masturbating...god damn, you've never seen such absurd overreactions. I actually lost my job over this bullshit, even when I explained I was sanitary.
I wish I never admitted to it.
TheRoyalTenenThom: You didn't fuck up, you *are* fucked up.
Ganwoka: I explained that I was sanitary with the mayo. So what's the big deal? Fucked up? You exaggerate?
TheRoyalTenenThom: I'm exaggerating of course, but mayo is just fucking disgusting.
Ganwoka: It really isn't. Try it once. Just for the hell of it. You won't be disappointed. Be extremely cautious if you choose to do it at work. In fact I recommend you do it at home. There is nothing unethical about doing it at work, but obviously there are certain risks. In the end, not worth it, as unfair as it is. Try it at home. You will find it amazing. I do promise.
TheRoyalTenenThom: I'm going to do no such thing.
Ganwoka: Alright.
TheRoyalTenenThom: Didn't mean to sound like a dick. Sorry about your job.
Smelly_Sharkfarts: Im not sorry he lost his job. He should have also been served a restraining order from kraft.
| 9 | 2.444444 | |
1411060207 | 1424530583 | t3_2gs02n | t5_2to41 | 9,422 | redqueenswrath: TIFU by accepting a Fed-Ex package in a towel
Do I get bonus points? This happened less than an hour ago and I'm still laughing.
I had been expecting a delivery all day, but I had to get ready for work. "I'll grab a fast shower, what can go wrong?" Ha. Hahaha. I was shaving my legs when I heard the doorbell ring repeatedly, and my 120-lb German Shepherd going ballistic. I knew this was a delivery I would have to sign for, so I leapt out of the shower, fumbled for my glasses, and threw on a towel. I didn't notice that I was still dripping soap at this point. (This is important later on).
I THOUGHT I locked my dog in my room as I ran to the door, but I guess the door didn't shut all the way (also important). So I opened the front door, hiding behind it to maintain some decency as I scribble and drip on the pad the poor driver offered me. Then I hear it- the dreaded sound of paws racing across hard wood. My moron dog slips in a puddle of soap, looses his footing, and crashes into the door, sending me, towel, and scribble pad flying. I landed on my ass, naked as the day I was born and sopping wet, sitting on the very same scribble pad. The poor driver got a very X-rated look at my tattooed hide as I scrambled for my missing towel (somehow it landed halfway across the room), one hand across my tits and the other trying to cover my half-shaved lady garden. I stammered an apology as he grabbed his scribble pad and practically RUNS to his truck, so red his ears might be smoking.
My furry asshole of a dog is now watching me type this and I swear the bastard is laughing at me. Fuck my life.
Edit: holy shit! This is rapidly turning into one of my highest posts, and one of you crazy bastards popped my reddit gold cherry! Awesome :D now WTF do I do with it?
Edit edit: yup, this is now my top post AND made the front page. I love you screwballs.
theTexans: hahaha for a second there it sounded like the start of a cheap porno.
redqueenswrath: Ha! It might as well have been, but I don't think most porn actors run away, whimpering "oh dear LORD" in a high lisp!
SmokiePots: I feel like if the delivery guy had been attractive (and straight), and had said the right thing to diffuse the nuclear meltdown of a situation OP might have gone, "well you *have* seen me naked.."
either way I bet that's the last time OP goes anywhere without a backup towel on her head.
redqueenswrath: Yup. Keeping an emergency pocket towel at all times!
yellowfattybean: Yeah, but then you need emergency pockets. . .
redqueenswrath: You didn't know that boobs are hollow and women use them for emergency storage??? What are they TEACHING in sex ed these days?
wingedhamster: Then why do you guys have purses?!
redqueenswrath: That's where we carry our spare tits. Duh.
Lamplighter123: Wow! I'm learning more on reddit than on the Discovery Channel
Lightningbol: Still more accurate than shark week.
MissValeska: Shark week is inaccurate? Source?
Lightningbol: Wow, this was an old comment! In the shark week that fairly recently aired they had segments about "searching for the (insert shark that doesn't exist)" they would go out and talk to scientists, editing the footage to appear as if the scientists thought these sharks, extinct or never existing at all, were real.
They heavily implied sharks that don't exist were real, often based on urban myth. And maybe that's what some people like, but I would rather a fact based learning experience about recent discoveries in sharks.
MissValeska: Hmmm, Do you have a link or something? I thought discovery did shark week and they seem to be reliable.
Lightningbol: Right? I'm in my phone right now, and a little sauced, but I'll try to throw some links to ya soon though! Seriously though, how did you find this comment? It's like... Multiple months old
MissValeska: It's on the top of a really popular r/tifu post which I found with top of all time.
| 16 | 588.875 | |
1411601174 | 1411663572 | t3_2hdnzn | t5_2to41 | 4,266 | sinkdestroyer: TIFU by ejaculating in my sink. (NSFW/L)
This is a throwaway account for obvious reasons, but this is something that just happened a couple of hours ago (or I guess over the course of the past couple of months)
A little background information: I just moved in to a new studio in LA. It's pretty small and the building and plumbing is pretty old. The 70s, in fact.
So lately I have been a little "lonely" and have been practicing having an orgasm by myself more than usual. For some reason, I decided that my sink would be my final destination. No big deal, I've done that before. In addition, like any person with facial hair, I have been shaving over my sink as well.
However, a couple of days ago I noticed that it was taking a long time for my sink to drain. After using the sink last night for teeth-brushing in such, I found that this morning it had not completely drained. I was a little nervous that it had something to do with my white hot fireworks display every once in a while that takes place in my sink, but I was hoping it was a different reason. So I called up maintenance.
This is where it gets kind of gross.
I called up maintenance and he starts kind of digging around to see if it's a problem he can fix without tearing stuff apart. "Yep, there's a lot of hair in here" he said, with his finger down my sink hole. I was a little relieved, thinking: *Okay, someone with long hair who lived here before most have clogged it and it's catching up on me.* WRONG.
After a second he pulled out his finger, and it is covered in black hairs (face and pubes, seemingly) covered in that mixed-with-water chunky semen. My face turns bright red and he tells me that he needs to go grab a bucket.
He comes back a few minutes later and pulls apart my pipes, when this HUGE chunk of the gross, brown semen-hair mixture comes pouring out into the bucket. Putting aside the disgusting visual of it all, instantly my 450 sq. ft. apartment starts smelling like sewage. I am on the verge of puking and I can hear the maintenance guy mumbling *Jesus Christ* under his breath.
I sat down and didn't speak a word to him other than repeatedly saying thank you and I'm sorry, but he was really kind about it when he left. I'll be sure to give him a tip next time I see him around.
dualrectumfryer: you called the maintenance man before trying drano?
danodemano: Serious question - does Drano work on semen?
ga129: Yes! Just recently had to find out because my wife's hair and my goo were clogging the bath tub drain. Drano saved the day!
ForeverInaDaze: Don't use drano on your bath tub drain.
Source: My maintenance guy after unclogging my shower/bath tub.
anonfish: Why not?
ItsTheDefault: Plumber told me chemicals were not recommended for older pipes. I think if you have pvc its fine but cast iron and clay have issues.
ThatCrankyGuy: Clay pipes? Am I in Pompeii?
KvalitetstidEnsam: Pipes in Pompeii were made of lead, not clay.
WEIRD_ASS_NAMES: Haha yeah that's why they were all retarded and died from a little dust
Nickkcuf: serious question, how does lead fuck you up?
DringwrBach: In pipe form it can be applied repeatedly to the head.
slapchop_financing: HeadOn.
TheGreatMagus: Apply directly to the forehead.
Is_A_Velociraptor: HEADON
| 15 | 284.4 | |
1409609005 | 1410014770 | t3_2f7cay | t5_2to41 | 15 | john1249: TIFU by getting caught staring at the tattoo on my female friend's chest.
While waiting for the female friend's parents to come and pick her up with 2 other friends, I noticed a tattoo with roman numbers right above her right boob. Since we knew each other for 4 years but haven't met up for almost a year, this was quite surprising and I caught myself staring at the tattoo for a good two seconds, while 4 of us were chatting.
As she noticed my look, she slowly managed to cover her chest with the side of her shirt collar (probably in a conscious manner). Although there was nothing extremely provocative about her boobs, I probably gave her the idea that I was a creep by the stare.
I find her attractive but that's something else. My problem at hand is the way of escaping the creepzone in the first place. She's 17 and is that rocker kind wearing converse shoes, often smokes, had the tips of her hair dyed and has limited future plans. Still she's somewhat hot. And is the ex gf of an old friend of mine (also in the friend group but he had left early).
Did you guys ever get caught for such an accidental glance? If so, how did you manage to make up for it in the long term?
Girls (especially wearing tattoos), how do you feel about an average guy glancing at your chest for the tattoo?
The friend group will probably meet up again next week so I have the chance for another shot, thus your comments until then will be much appreciated.
Cheers.
lemonadegame: "i was looking at your tat, not your tit"
OutOfMoneyError: not that i don't want to see your tit, my order of preference is tit-tat-toe
MexicanSpaceProgram: It's all tit-for-tat.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1409603233 | 1409621520 | t3_2f72kj | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by performing gentlemanly hygiene
A cautionary tale, which many have said before, and many after me will tell as well, however today is my day to give the warning.
While contemplating the recent events of this past weekend, I noticed a certain section of my werewolf-like hair growth had been neglected. I had kept this area fairly neat and ordered for my now ex-girlfriend, and if she had ever bothered to investigate she would have appreciated the work and care I applied for her, and my own benefit.
As I am a sucker, I felt the need to perform some much needed maintenance on the off chance we were able to work something out, or in case [something better comes along](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yaP_kc3y9w).
With much care, I applied trimmer and razor and three-fourths of the way through trimming the verge, my hand holding the delicate area being paved slipped and made full contact with the trimmer. Skin wraps around trimmer and a sound not unlike a lawnmower hitting a rock occurs, at a much softer and more terrifying decibel level.
The next episode of The Knick follows. Blood is flowing freely and everywhere. There is no pain but there is concern, a mighty concern. The blood flow fails the toiler paper test and breaks through the flimsy dam and starts to cover my hand, my legs and the floor. Drops of blood are spattering my bathroom and concern has been upgraded to worry. I check my cabinets and realize my gauze is in my basement, and I am grateful I live alone. Completely naked I run through my house, my path marked by the blood still flowing from my injured manbits. I grab some gauze, head back upstairs, looking at the blood path like some deranged GPS leading me back to my bathroom. I try some Neosporin as a thickening agent, hoping to slow the flow of blood. All it does is act like a slip and slide, sending blood flowing freely and quickly across the wrinkles of skin.
I apply the gauze and watch as it maxes its capacity in short order. Three pads of gauze later the sanguine Niagra Falls ends finally, just as I was figuring out how to drive, apply pressure, and not scream the whole way to urgent care.
After 10 minutes of assurance of the end of my genital's one man two ball 1 day only performance of Carrie, I finish the damn job, and swear never to do it again which I will promptly forget in two weeks.
There is no TL;DR, read it and be warned.
calvinthewolf: Pics or it didn't happen
calvinthewolf: Well on second hand... I think I'll take your word for this one
cysgod: Seriously, you don't want them. No one would want this memory, or evidence of it.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1412022908 | 1412030044 | t3_2htlq4 | t5_2to41 | 56 | CumStealer: TIFU by getting a criminal record via photoshop
Basically i 'CumStealer' took banter to a whole new level.
Let me lay some back story down, i'm a year 11 student (16 years old) this happened last year.
On a Tuesday afternoon, I 'The CumStealer' thought it would be funny to pull a prank on a unsuspecting victim. When the time came i got down to work. I spent a whole 2 hours using my photoshop skills to careful crop out the head of a kids mum and putting it onto a pornstar.
Now my life is fucked because i have a permanent record for cyber bullying.
Stretch92009: Picture or it didn't happen
CumStealer: you think the school wouldn't make me delete it?
grasbergerm: And you can't just recover it after?
bashfulcity: or have multiple hard copies of the evidence.
CumStealer: i wish i had this was during a double IT lesson and i didn't realise how much trouble i was about to get in.
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1412020838 | 1412365708 | t3_2hthka | t5_2to41 | 18 | laichejl: TIFU by leaving my number on a check
This happened this past weekend. The evening begins at a cookout at my university with roommate, his gf and her roommates. The cookout began kinda lamely, boring and most everyone was sitting around doing a lot of nothing. Being young, studious and respectful college students, me and roommate had the grand idea to make a run back to our house to pickup a handle of tequila and jager from the weekend prior to liven up the mood. Upon returning, the two of us alone (bc no one else wanted to partake) downed what was left of the tequila and began cracking into the jager. 5 shots and 30 minutes later, we were feeling pretty groovy.
We then head downtown and first went to a restaurant to get some dinner since we hadn't eaten yet. We went to a pizza place, but its a nice restaurant that was very packed. We were significantly buzzed at this point and proceeded to down two pitchers of some non-light beer. The waitress was seemingly flirting with me in my drunk mind, making comments about my ID when I showed it to her and making other comments throughout the night. My roommate and his gf (who were also smashed at this point) seemed to agree, so and the end of the meal, I said "what the fuck" and laid my number down on the check.
So, as I'm doing this, I see my roommate and his gf lay down cash, and am pretty sure I hear them say "we got the tip" so I put down nothing for my tip: $0.0. They leave cash on the table, we get up, and we proceed to bar-hop, etc etc.
The next morning I wake up to a voicemail (I'm assuming her bf) chewing me out for leaving a number on a check with no tip. I'll leave out the details, but the dude had a few choice words for me. My roommate claims that his gf paid the full tip for all three of us, but I guess that wasn't the case, and I ended up looking like a total ass.
tl;dr: I left my number on a check with no tip and ended up getting my ass verbally handed to me via voicemail.
CopDogg: well she had a bf anyway so whatever, and pretty bitch of her to have him call you up like that. I would report that bitch to her manager and get her in trouble if i was u :)
SurelyOPwillDeliver: Agreed. Sucks she didn't get tipped, but you don't sick your BF to leave an angry voicemail to a paying customer.
CopDogg: pretty sure that would be cause for instant firing in probably 90% of restaurants
Swaggy_McSwagSwag: But really, why would you want to get somebody fired?
Yeh, it was uncalled for, but she was probably pissed off.
She's only human, and one bit of letting off steam shouldn't cost her her fucking job.
CopDogg: Uh, if you were the owner of that restaurant how would you feel if one of your employees called and harassed and threatened one of your customers? That is inexcusable and I would absolutely fire anyone who did that.
trajon12: I strongly disagree. Not saying it was the right thing for her to do (because it wasn't), but OP left his number with her and therefore left himself wide open for that situation. Don't think it's worth her losing her job.
Monso: >but OP left his number with her and therefore left himself wide open for that situation.
Would you also defend rape if she's dressed like a slut, and the guy is drunk?
What the waitress did is professionally unacceptable, and absolutely grounds for immediate dismissal. Irrelevant to the how, what, and why, she harassed a customer. That is a nono in the service industry.
trajon12: I never said it was okay, I'm just stating a simple fact that it wouldn't be possible if OP hadn't chosen to leave his number. Also, everyone is assuming she told her boyfriend to do it. There's simply no proof of that, she could very well have just vented to her boyfriend and he acted of his own accord (I don't think that's what happened, but it is a possibility if an unlikely one). I'm not trying to argue whether it was right or wrong as it was clearly wrong, I just think it's silly to make assumptions about what went down on her end of the story.
| 9 | 2 | |
1409607889 | 1409614348 | t3_2f7acb | t5_2to41 | 16 | HaydenTheFox: TIFU by spontaneously doing drunken pushups.
This little anecdote happened last night at my friend's house during his birthday party. Long story short, his actual birthday is a couple days away but he's leaving town, so we threw a surprise party for him after he got off work at midnight.
We had a small crew who got there about 9:00 to arrange the food and decorations, which included ~200 balloons which we blew up and shoved into his room. He came home, we hid under the balloons, and then partied hardy for the rest of the night.
Well, about 45 minutes after he got there, I was at the end of my drinking cycle, right as all of the alcohol really kicked in. To put it in perspective, I lost count at 7 shots and 8 beers, plus an unmeasured swig or two out of the bottles. For whatever reason, we all went back to his room to look at the balloons, during which time I noticed his calendar had a picture of some sign that read, simply, "BEACH" (like a signpost, basically). This captured my attention for whatever reason and I spent about 15 minutes, alone, drumming on my legs and imagining I was on the beach. Another (relatively sober) friend comes in, laughs at me and asks if I want him to bury me under the balloons. Well, of course I do. So I lay down on the hardwood floor and he starts burying me, then walks out. So I'm laying there, chilling out and having a good time when someone else walks in and all I hear is "Hayden, what the fuck are you doing?"
And then I snapped. My brain just told me to do a bunch of pushups, right then and there. And as I'm doing these pushups on top of the balloons, I realize I can pop them. So I'm doing pushups and popping balloons when one drifts in front of my face. In my vodka-and-rum-fueled haze, for whatever reason I decided to pop it with my forehead. And nearly broke my nose on the floor after dropping face-first right *through* the balloon. Of course, my nose has been broken 5 times already so any amount of hard contact is immediately painful, and it makes bloody noses a common thing. So I walk out of the room, grab a tissue and make my way over to the couch to stop the bleeding. My friend (the one who's having the birthday) comes out of the bathroom, sees me, and immediately loses his shit. Which drew everyone else's attention, of course.
**TL;DR: Friend leaves me alone for 20 seconds to piss, emerges from bathroom to find me bleeding from my face after losing a fight with the floor.**
message1326: It feels like bliss when your head or body plumits to the floor in a drunk haze.....and then there is the wakeup call.
HaydenTheFox: Yeah except I got to stay awake and savor the moment.
message1326: Good times
HaydenTheFox: In all fairness, I was having a blast.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1409611102 | 1409612153 | t3_2f7fp4 | t5_2to41 | 56 | broskiu: TIFU by reading too much TIFU
Today i realized I have been reading too much TIFU while sitting on the toilet. Since all of the wonderful redditors of this subreddit seem to have stories of bad pooping experiences, I have developed an irrational fear. Now every time i go poop I'm scared that my bowels will come out of my butthole or the lining will just pop right out if I push too hard. Thanks TIFU now I have fucked up by reading all of you guys fuck up.
*sorry I actually laughed really hard at most of the stories but now I don't want to poop*
message1326: Eat your daily fiber and you wil be fine....
broskiu: Yeah but then I'll poop way more and still be irrationally scared
broskiu: JUST SO MUCH IRRATIONALITY
| 4 | 14 | |
1412022461 | 1412094689 | t3_2htksn | t5_2to41 | 2,259 | markyminkk: TIFU by not knowing butt dial and booty call were different things
Told friend his sister booty-called me last night.
Couldn't understand why he had that look on his face.
Now I do.
Navett: Tell him you'll make it up to him by steam cleaning his house with your new Cleavland Steamer, then come back and let us know how it went
Kiernian: > Cleveland Steamer
For $6519.14 you too can get yourself a [Cleveland Steamer that features one compartment which holds up to five 21/2" pans.Easy to install, this steamer requires no drain line, water connections or hood. ](http://www.restaurantsupplypro.com/prod_detail_list/cleveland-steamers)
hoopycat: Or just hire that alcoholic dude who blew up a stool sample in the office microwave at lunchtime. Cheaper.
TrailRatedRN: That story was some funny shit.
CanSeeYou: link?
Shakejunt727: Should still be on the top of the front page. I'd link but I'm on mobile and that's too much work
| 7 | 322.714286 | |
1412021363 | 1412113965 | t3_2htim3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my control with ex girlfriend in public
since we "were" working in same company, we both attended to a wedding of our colleagues. Bad thing, there are lots of my (and her) colleagues in wedding, managers included. Good thing, she comes wedding with a new guy and BAM I lost control and started to talk shit about her , and all the colleagues heard and watched me talking shit.
2 days later , managers called me and told me that they cannot continue with me telling me I cannot control myself near her and this can make dangerous cases in future. And we parted ways,
my shitty love story and why I mad with her--> http://redd.it/2cfl8d
----
TL;DR -- SAW MY EX in public , LOST CONTROL & LOST JOB
SurelyOPwillDeliver: Man, you're on a roll of terrible luck. Except, in your case, the word luck can easily be replace with "self control."
Lock it up, dude.
OsManiaCtr: Luck or karma :) I think just fall in love with a devil in human form.
le_mous: No.. It's not devil women that are your undoing. It's **you** who is your undoing.
From your prior post;
a.) You cheated on the love of your life, (self-admitted there, your fault.)
b.) You lost your cool when you lost control and subsequently lost your job, (again, your fault.)
Not the girl's fault, your fault for not being able to control yourself in two situations, both of which came with rather large and negative consequences.
OsManiaCtr: both bitter truth, karma is shining on me.
* ex-fiance had changed her job just to marry me. Now I lost job
* I left her when she really trusts me, and this poison ivy left me when I trusted her heh
| 5 | 2 | |
1409612303 | 1409767324 | t3_2f7hjz | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU By trying to get raunchy with my wife
Today I was horny and decided to be really sexy by bending my wife over and spanking her. Lets just say she didn't enjoy it and I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
Edit I regret nothing. I thoroughly enjoyed some fine ass assault ;)
SakaraJoe: www.russiancupid.com
Go get what you want!
Rebootkid: wtf? How is that OK? Guy messes up, and you tell him to cheat on his wife?
hello11111111: I was confused by the suggestion, because I would never even think of creating on my wife. She has more ass than I need for my ass hunger ;) hehe
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1411293335 | 1411358221 | t3_2h0v4b | t5_2to41 | 17 | mdb1800: TIFU by trusting PirateBay
So yesterday my family where at my aunties house for dinner, there was me, my sister, mum, dad, aunty, uncle and importantly my 9 year old and 7 year old cousins.
We decided to watch a movie and settle on Sex Tape with Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel. I failed to find a torrent because of the nature of torrenting and the name, so I do what I usually do and just add the name of one of the actors.
BIG MISTAKE.
I find a file that is the right size and look like the movie so I download it, put it on my usb and plug it into the tv and start it up.
And then there is a black screen for 10 seconds, my family starts wondering whats up but are quickly distracted by a Cameron Diaz russian lookalike being fucked by a fat russian guy. My aunty scrambled for my cousins eyes and was not impressed.
Sorry for shitty formating/grammar. Phone Post
Simon_Magnus: So your entire family got together and decided a movie called "Sex Tape" was going to be appropriate for the two little kids?
all_teh_bacon: This. I call bad parenting
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1412023530 | 1412043300 | t3_2htmyb | t5_2to41 | 4 | alcoholic-: TIFU by eating strong cheese
So a little background, I'm on my lunch break right now and don't have a lot of food in my house. I could go out to eat but don't really feel like stopping any where. Plus if I stay home I can keep watching Parks and Rec. ***SPOILER ALERT*** I'm on the episode right now where they finally broke ground in the park. So I'm pretty invested in staying home for lunch. Also I stole my neighbors dog the other day and they keep looking for it but I like him more than they do so I don't want them to know he's here. If he gets left alone for too long he starts barking really loud at the door and has a pretty identifiable bark so I gotta keep him from barking. Anyways, back to the story. So I don't have a lot of food at home but I do have chips and salsa and some string cheese. The chips and salsa was delicious. The salsa is called El Sol, its from Gilbert, AZ and is the only good store bought salsa I've ever had. After eating a jar and a half of it I was still hungry so I grabbed the string cheese and had that. I didn't string the cheese, I just ate it straight through. It was unnatural and tasted weird. Never going to make that mistake again
TL;DR Was hungry and impatient, ate string cheese without stringing it and wasn't very good.
Voyager5555: >Also I stole my neighbors dog the other day and they keep looking for it but I like him more than they do so I don't want them to know he's here. If he gets left alone for too long he starts barking really loud at the door and has a pretty identifiable bark so I gotta keep him from barking.
What the fuck?
AlyceSparkz: I was going to ask but then I was thinking I might not want to know...also you already asked
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411342974 | 1412373222 | t3_2h2tfx | t5_2to41 | -5 | timbucktoobad: TIFU by posting this observation and got banned from the divorce sub
Why is it American men get thrown in jail for non payment of child support when women thanks to affirmative action have preferential treatment in hiring and promotion? (self.Showerthoughts)
Shouldn't men who can't find work be ordered to take care of the children and the women ordered to work and pay child support? Throwing men in jail? Really? Discrimination at the very least. An outrageous violation of our human rights just so states can receive matching federal funds for ordering child support. Government. Solving small problems with larger ones.
hesoshy: Yes. When are that stupid and immature sharing your opinion (not an observation) is not a good idea. FYI women are ordered to pay child support and can go to jail. Get a job and support your children dirtbag
timbucktoobad: Why don't they just give the child to the parent who can't work, and make the parent that can work work? Or better yet, why doesn't the government mind it's F'n business?
hesoshy: So you are suggesting forced labor run by the government? Seems like a bad precedent. FYI the business of the government is settling contractual disputes (like a marriage contract) and enforcing the settlements.
timbucktoobad: Men are have two choices. Slave away at some shit job to pay child support or go to jail. That's not forced labor? um... this evil family court system is locking men up because they can't find work to pay child support. Men in the united states should run far and fast from fathering children. We pay and pay and pay, or we end up in jail, either way the kids are not theirs in the end. We're merely sperm donor financial support drones slaving away to a nazi state. .
hesoshy: Why did you purposefully lie and omit the choice to not get someone pregnant?
You should you fucking moron, it is your child. I just hope the judge has the sense to keep you away from the kid.
timbucktoobad: That's why I said, men in the US should run far and fast from fathering children! He gets to go to jail while there is no down side for the woman. She gets the kids and the money from the man and plenty of government benefits.
| 7 | -0.714286 | |
1412019676 | 1412029412 | t3_2htfat | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU By stretching while taking a leak. [NSFW]
Actually happened just a few hours ago.
Walked into the public bathroom, every other urinal was taken. (Using a urinal when the one next to it in use is a no-no, as most guys will affirm)
Not wanting to wait, I step into an unoccupied stall, unzip, and start doing what I came in to do.
Mid-slash, I notice my back feels cramped and I need to stretch.
I twist my torso to the right.
Unnoticed by me, the open leather jacket I'm wearing swings with me, stopping short of hitting me in the dick. As it starts swinging back, I twist to the left.
The metal zipper of my jacket runs along my urethra like a jagged saw.
I shriek and fall to my knees, alarming everyone else in the toilets.
As I kneel on the filthy floor of the public bathroom, rocking back and forth as if supplicating to the God of Mall Toilets, a man starts banging on the door and shouting to see if I need help. Luckily, I was in too much pain to feel embarrassed at the time.
The embarrassment did come, however, and since somehow there was no blood, I decided not to go to the doctor.
Now, it's been three or four hours, and I'm sitting in the computer chair with an ice pack in my lap. I don't know how much longer I can hold my bladder.
hereforthepix: > (Using a urinal when the one next to it in use is a no-no, as most guys will affirm)
Uh, wut?!
jon_010: [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IUJuJNTYU7s/TeoPbsJldWI/AAAAAAAABFU/LfSu3N1CVs8/s1600/Urinal_Etiquette_by_sumomus.jpeg](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IUJuJNTYU7s/TeoPbsJldWI/AAAAAAAABFU/LfSu3N1CVs8/s1600/Urinal_Etiquette_by_sumomus.jpeg)
| 3 | 6 | |
1412024407 | 1412110459 | t3_2htorz | t5_2to41 | 5 | squateveryday: TIFU by farting on my girlfriend
Last night, I was visiting my girlfriend at her college. We decided to go to Chipotle for dinner to stuff our bodies full of spicy ricy goodness. No sooner had I finished my monstrous burrito than I realized the magnitude of my mistake: it had been a long time since I'd had Chipotle, and as such I was almost certain to suffer from serious gastrointestinal stress.
Within minutes of finishing the last bite, I could feel the gases forming within me. "No worries, I'll just find a secluded place to let it out," I tried to tell myself. Unfortunately, my girlfriend lives in a sorority house. I.E., there are girls everywhere and as such no sanctuary in which I could safely aerate my bowels without fear of embarrassing consequences. My stupid conclusion was that I'd have to wait until my girlfriend fell asleep later that night and stealthily release the kraken then.
So I managed to successfully ignore the pain welling up inside me for a couple hours until it started to get close to bedtime. My girlfriend and I were hanging out in her little twin-sized bed, and she was finishing up some work she'd been meaning to do on her computer. I was quite comfortable lying where I was--on my side with my back to my woman--and I was drifting off to sleep.
Then, my worst nightmare was realized. Like many people, I sometimes twitch in my sleep, particularly while I'm falling asleep and just after. Last night, one of those twitches occurred and managed to jostle a significant ass belch from my colon when my defenses were down, startling me awake in the process. What's worse, because of the way I was positioned, my ass was right up against my girlfriend's thigh, effectively meaning I'd farted right on her.
We're still coping with the aftershock, but she's handling it surprisingly well. I'd promised myself that I'd never fart in front of my girlfriend, but I violated my own trust in spectacular fashion.
**tl;dr: ate Chipotle and fell asleep next to my girlfriend. Ripped ass on her leg. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life**
lord_sherlock_holmes: so with all your logic (or illogical reasoning) being thrown around, why did you not just go to the bathroom? That is what they were built for,to contain the depths of your bowels.
squateveryday: It was a sorority house. 33 girls live there and lurk around every corner. Furthermore, I actually used to work in the house kitchen, so the girls know me pretty well. I didn't want to risk releasing farts that could be audible from the hallway; I had to save face via any means possible.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412024724 | 1412025800 | t3_2htpfg | t5_2to41 | 7 | I_AMLYINGRIGHTNOW: TIFU by leaving a surgical instrument inside of someone.
Hi Reddit. This is probably the last post I'll ever make because after this I'm going to go crawl in a hole and die.
I am a surgeon. Every since I was really little I've wanted to be a doctor and I busted my ass off and blah blah blah I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
After surgery today, I was assigned stock, which is just what everyone calls taking inventory of our equipment after a surgery was performed. There was a caliper missing and low and behold I was the only fucking person to use it during the operation. I've looked high and low and it's nowhere to be found. So, TIFU by ruining my career because I forgot a goddamn caliper inside of my patient. I haven't told anyone yet, but I know once I do it's all over. Thanks for listening to me vent
roflator: Relevant username? If not: can't you aks the patient to do a quick rescue mission on him?
call-me-ishmail: Sounds like relevant username to me. Usually mistakes like that happen from time to time. I have never heard of someone getting fired because of a single mistake. I mean it might harm the credibility for a bit, but performing well consistently after that should restore it.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409614936 | 1409623873 | t3_2f7lsn | t5_2to41 | 52 | eetf141: TIFU by hurting a girl's vagina when being to rough with her in bed my first time. [NSFW]
This story happened today. So me and this girl, we'll call her L, were flirting and planning on the sexy times for a few days for when she got back from a trip to a different town. L got back yesterday, and kept saying she "couldn't wait to fuck me", and "wanted to screw me tomorrow", as in today. L comes over to my place, and my parents are gone. Commence sexy making out, and even sexier foreplay. I put the condom on, and thought it was too small (pretty sure it was), and my dick was all like "NOPE THAT'S TOO TIGHT BRO" and wouldn't get up so I decided to finger her until she came. Lets keep in mind that both me and L were practically experiencing sexual frustration for almost 4 days before seeing each other today, and she and I (were) virgins. I stick one finger in, am rubbing her g-spot and she's really liking it. I could here L's breath catching on and decided to stick in another with it. So, I begin to stimulate her with both fingers at the same time and she's really liking it, beginning to claw my arm and moaning. This is where things get bad. I decide "Eh, fuck it," and stick three whole fingers inside of her. Three fingers in this virgin pussy. She seems to like it and it's really turning me on, so I begin to push harder and deeper and her moans seem to be reaching that silent peak squeak. I decide to listen closely because it's just so interesting as I fingerbang away, and can't tell if she's saying "Ow." in her moans. I told her before-hand (hehe, get it. Before my hand.) that she should just say stop when she needs me too and I would stop immediately and see if things are okay. She wasn't saying it and her breath was still catching on with those silent moans as her hips bucked so I assumed she was okay. My idiot brain thinks "She's just really liking this!" to somehow compensate the possibility and I start railing at her vagina with three fingers, rubbing her g-spot with two. She's moaning all kinds of yesses and semmingly ows, and then it happens. I push in really deep at the wrong angle slightly and she practically yells "OW!", almost with tears in her eyes. Cue youdunfuckedup.jpg. I pull my fingers out slowly and she's just laying back in this half-pleasure half-pain phase, I ask her if she's okay, and she says nope. We stop there and just make out. No one came ;-;. She also said she thought I was fisting her when I had three whole fingers in and we were laughing for quite a while after.
TL;DR: I reked my just a virgin m8's vagina with three whole fingers, and she thought I was fisting her while she cried out in pain.
dreewr: A virgin pussy...3 fingers...G spot...doesn't seem that you actually now how all this stuff works bro.
eetf141: lol i have no idea what i'm doing
jeanpt: That's the fun part! You both learned a valuable lesson that day.
| 4 | 13 | |
1412025785 | 1412074988 | t3_2htrlu | t5_2to41 | 76 | Slamscaped: TIFU; By showing my babysitter Hentai by accident.
This particular fuck up happened when I was 8 (18 now) and she was a family friend who was about 13 at the time. My parents were out and it was just me and her, I decided to show her 'Ebaums World' which my brother's friend who was 16 had introduced me to a few days before.
I ended up opening a video of a Japanese schoolgirl eating out her teacher's asshole because she had gotten a bad grade... my poor 8 year old brain simply could not comprehend what I was watching and and asked my babysitter what they were doing? I looked over to her to see a look of horror and disgust in her eyes as she very clearly new exactly what they were doing... the real fuck up came when she asked me "why did you show me this?" and I, still not aware that I had just shown a close family friend hardcore asslicking hentai, simply replied "my brother's friend showed me..."
Well, she immediately called my parents to tell them what happened and a very lengthy discussion took place with the police where they eventually concluded that my brother's friend was infact, not a paedophile. (hooray?) 10 years later and I still cant look that poor girl in the eye....
theappendixofchrist: This was ten years ago not today.
WeebUnearthed: You must be new to the subreddit... Maybe 3 stories a week on the front page actually happen on the day. Most fuck ups happen on other days.
Nihht: Three's a bit high an estimate
WeebUnearthed: I try to be optimistic :)
| 5 | 15.2 | |
1409612214 | 1409706152 | t3_2f7hf8 | t5_2to41 | 82 | EarthPron: TIFU by attempting to eat sandwhich.
This was last summer, i had just turned 16 and decided to go for a nice walk with my dog, and i thought a sandwhich would accompany us well too. Well, im walking along having a great time and then suddenly i cant breath in, first i thought i was just mildly choking so i try coughing and breathing out but it doesnt work. As i try to breath in my mouth makes that hissing exasperated sound as the bread blocks any air from going down my throat. Noon in the middle of suburbia, someones gotta be around. I started sprinting down the road, looking for a sign of anyone, looking into windows and down driveways, no one. Its been over a minute now and im thinking this is how im going to die. My dog doesnt give a fuck and is really happy about the running, but im about to die. I see a girl in a window and run up to her, start smashing on the window (which now i realise probably wasnt the best idea), she looks incredibly confused. As i realised i probably just scared the shit out of her, i hold up my hands to my neck symbolising that im choking, her face turns to shock because my face was probably purple by this point and screams. Her father opens the door and sees whats wrong, grabs me and heimlicks the shit out of me, i fall to the floor and black out. When i wake up im still on the floor with the father pushing on my chest, after a few minutes i realise what happened and feel incredibly embarrased, apologize for the inconvinience and politely leave. Later i found out the girl goes to my high school but i have never seen her. Fun times all round.
TL;DR choked, ran into someones house and passed out.
MoeLester_69: You're lucky you weren't walking your dog at night
aggron306: The fact that the girl goes for his high school evens out the luck
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1412026785 | 1412030106 | t3_2httju | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU my asshole by eating questionable chinese food.
Originally posted here: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2hs6mv/serious_what_is_the_most_pain_that_youve_ever/ckvo0ri
Thought it sounded like a pretty good TIFU, and hey, it isn't about shitting my pants or sex! So I reworded a bit to make it more TIFU friendly. Here's the story. (TL;DR: at the bottom)
So I ordered some food at a chinese restaurant. It was excellent. I also got sushi, you know, the shitty kind you get from a chinese place even though sushi *isn't chinese.* It was good too. Here's the rub. I took it with me, figured it would make good breakfast for the morning. I then went to see a movie, thought nothing of the sushi, got home, put it in the fridge, and ate it for breakfast as planned.
I was later violently ill.
So I shit so much and so hard that I wiped my asshole bloody a couple of times. After it all healed up, there was a sizable lump, as painful as anything I have ever experienced, right on the rim of my dandelion.
It's amazing. You never know how much every movement in your body is dependant upon the condition of your asshole, but it very much is.
Even laying down hurt unless I elevated my asshole (but not my legs.)
So I was lying in bed, pillows under my ass, none under my head, none under my legs. I looked like a spinal injury patient, and assumed I might be according to the newfound pain in my back. In the end this only created pressure on my anus which hurt more.
After not sleeping the entire night, in constant restless agony, I called into work. I said it was "stomach issues." At this point I was delirious with fever. I had resigned to go to the doctor about it if it didn' tclear up in one more day.
I just couldn't stand the thought of going to a doctor with butt problems. Desperate, I called my dad, who was familiar with anal issues. I remember tubes and tubes of hemmorhoid cremes on the back of the toilet as a child, and accidentally (playfully) kicking him in the ass in just the right place, and the shriek and look of pain on his face.
"Dad," I said.
"Something is horrendously wrong, I have a huge lump on my asshole. I have no idea what is going on." I
explained everything I've told you so far.
He sighed, seemingly out of pity. "Son, you have a pimple on your asshole."
"A pimple?"
"Yep. I have had them many a time. Mistook them for hemmorhoids but hemmorhoids never hurt this bad and they don't give you a fever. You're going to have to pop it or let it drain when it gets full."
"Pop it?" I asked incredulously "Won't that hurt..like...a lot?"
"Well," he paused "If you're man enough, you can bear down and pop them. But it does take a helluva lot of willpower, and it's going to hurt like nothing else."
So I drew a warm bath, poured in some epsom salts (it helped with the pain immensely). I sat there and soaked for 30 minutes. I felt around the afflicted area, found the lump, I positioned my fingers somewhat in my asshole to get "behind" the lump. Just touching it felt like someone was shooting a flame thrower directly into my ass.
I said "1, 2, fuck it" and squeezed. My entire body tensed, I saw stars, I pressed harder, and let go just before blacking out. No dice. Now thoroughly exhausted, and with this devil lump only more inflamed and throbbing, I crawled into bed and fell asleep. Only through sheer exhaustion could my body go to sleep in that much pain.
There was no position on the bed that made me comfortable. When I woke up my wife had gotten home from work and was fast asleep. It was 2 a.m. I had been asleep for 8 or so hours.
My underwear was soggy. I was covered in sweat but something was definitely amiss in my underwear. It was...gloopy. I assumed I had shit myself. But there was nothing in the bed.
I went to the bathroom and pulled them down. Miraculously nothing was in my underwear. They were just soaked.
I realized this was because my fever had broken. I also realized, holy shit, my asshole barely hurts...is this nightmare fucking over?
Not quite. I felt like someone had packed my ass with butter. I got the tp, went in for a wipe, it slid across my sphincter fast enough to know this was not a one wiper. I pulled it out to see the damage.
Buckets of blood. It had leaked over onto my hand. I leaned over and cleaned up in the sink and went in for another wipe.
More blood, lumpy clots, brown viscous pus and white pus. All the consistency of flu mucous.I wiped clean, baby wiped, took a bath, changed clothes, and put a mirror on the floor so that I could inspect.
[Basically it looked like this, but a lot redder.](http://img836.imageshack.us/img836/8210/dscf2783.jpg)
I had never felt such relief in my life. It was all over. I did not get another fever. I had to wipe a bit gently over the next few days, but sweet Jesus, I could walk, I could sit, I could lay. Sitting upright had never felt so fucking good. I went outside, had a smoke, and walked, just walked freely around my back porch for a while.
It was the happiest day of my life at that point.
TL;DR: I got a horrendously infected zit circumnavigating half my asshole from eating day old sushi that had been in my car and shitting/wiping my asshole raw. It was far and away the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my 28 years of living.
cuntflapper1: >You never know how much every movement in your body is dependant upon the condition of your asshole, but it very much is.
this statement should be engraved on a 1000 ton piece of granite, and left for the ages.
gifforc: It's true. It's like your body's fulcrum. Check above for the link to the picture I forgot and have since re-added.
cuntflapper1: wow. you must've really blown out your anal o-ring.
| 4 | 4 | |
1412025914 | 1412090209 | t3_2htrvr | t5_2to41 | 23 | DeathByBooks: TIFU by spending $200 on apples
It was a gorgeous autumn Sunday yesterday and I'd gotten together with some friends to talk homebrewing. The conversation turns to cider, one of us finds a u-pick orchard, and apparently they're advertising $15/bushel! Perfect! We get there, it's an apple wonderland swarming with kids. The orchard's a bit hard to find past the duck races and hay rides but whatever, we're on a mission for cider supplies (they were selling fresh-pressed for $10/gallon, should have been a clue). Ninety pounds of apples later we're in line to pay and realize nobody double-checked the price. These delicious, fragrant, blushing apples are $2/lb. Cash only.
They are fucking delicious, though.
Guitarknowitall: OP loves his fruit.
Jarbatalapus: [What my mind jumped to](http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u241/paiita/RYUK-AND-APPLE.png)
The_Reaper95: Anyone else think Ryuk is just cool as a hell?
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1412026311 | 1412034594 | t3_2htsm8 | t5_2to41 | 49 | Jmcwilli89: TIFU because I learned if I got demoted I would get a raise.
Okay so I work at the most convenient bank as an Assistant Head Teller(I capitalize because I'm a pretty big deal). I have about five people who report to me. One of them tells me one day while looking at his paycheck that he got a huge increase(translation - 2 dollars.) a little background here this guy is dead weight and does nothing but show up. He's also been there two less years than myself. I'm not one to stir the pot, but when I saw he was making 65 cents more than me I had to ask my boss what was up. She beat around the bush for months before I had to reach out to HR today. They told me that the minimum for tellers was now higher to which I asked if I were to be demoted would I get a raise. They said yes but I can't because it would be manipulating the system. So now I'm in charge of five people who make more than I do. I don't know how I'm supposed to give a shit anymore. My boss has also refused to give me a raise.
EDIT: just adding that I am number one in our sales referrals in the last fiscal year and also number one in differences for the fiscal year. The employee I mentioned has been short almost 600 dollars for the year I have been over 26 bucks. I have all of these reports gathered in a folder for further discussion with the overlords.
definitelynot_seiken: No offense: Maybe your boss doesn't think you're that big of a big deal? Although, more likely the case is that your bank has become more corporate and bureaucratic with all kinds of ridiculous stipulations and disconnections between upper management and branch level management-making it extremely difficult for your employer to help you out without stepping on toes and drawing negative attention. Anyway, if that information was enough to ruin the job for you then maybe it's time to use your [years of] experience to find a better position with a different company. Don't be dramatic about it on your way out since it is often beneficial to keep the bridges in tact. Good luck!
Jmcwilli89: My big deal comment was more sarcastic and a reflection of my low self esteem at the moment but the latter is true I got the corporate line from everyone I spoke to. Hr told me they knew there would be those in my situation anyway but they decided to proceed. Definitely no drama still in college it's not my career.
definitelynot_seiken: Derp, I took that statement literally. Maybe HR has some plans down the line for people in your situation? If it's a cushy part-timer for school then I say keep the job for the resume experience. 65 cents isn't your problem it's the principle right? If everything is convenient and in the same area of work you hope to get into then I would say kill them with kindness and maybe poke around for other opportunities in the meantime.
Edit: on a side note you could always ask for a performance review if they don't evaluate regularly. There should be a legitimate reason as to why your boss is refusing a wage increase.
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1411396958 | 1411465859 | t3_2h4oib | t5_2to41 | 227 | crisothetank: TIFU by agreeing to help a girl gamer
Ok so this literally just happened, I got home 10 mins ago and I'm not using a throwaway because I've nothing to be ashamed of.
A bit of back story:
I play League of Legends, a popular and competitive online game. In LoL, players are ranked in order of skill on a ladder system, going as such (worst to best): bronze, silver, gold, platinum, diamond, master, challenger.
So, two weeks ago when term started I got talking to this girl in my english language class and found out she plays league, she told me shes in bronze, and I told her im platinum. She's been begging me to go round hers to help her play, and I was reluctant at first but after a while I thought what the hell why not, as she'd offered to drive me to and from her house. But I made it quite clear that I would not play on her account for her, I would only watch and tell her what her mistakes were to help her improve.
Fast forward to today, we both finish college early and she drives me to hers. Her parents must be rich as fuck, she's got a huge house and a huge room and she shows me her PC, and her graphics card alone is worth nearly as much as my entire rig. She starts playing and gets frustrated really quickly, while I sit behind her pointing out mistakes (in a helpful manner). Then, after her 5th death in lane she flips her shit, turns around and yells at me:
'You fucking play! Play for me!'
'No, I told you I'm not playing on your account...'
'You could win this game, I know you could'
'Probably, but I'm not playing, in fact I'm leaving now.'
This is where she went bat-shit crazy, she stood up, her cheeks going pink and said:
'You're going fucking nowhere. I command you to play this game and win for me.'
I stand up also and say, 'I'm leaving now', having realised how messed up this girl is.
She then started hitting me across the chest & pushed me out of her room screaming and the whole time I'm just like wtf is this.
Got the first bus to town and then the train home even though she said she'd take me home...
I'll update tomorrow seeing as I have english with her 2nd period, which I'm really not looking forward to.
**EDIT: I should have made it clear that playing on someone else's account is known as account sharing and is a bannable offence, that's why I refused, not because I'm boring/ didn't want to get involved. If I played on her account for her, I would probably win 60% of the games which would lead to her account being banned because it would be obvious someone was boosting her.**
**Edit 2:** Posted this a week ago and since it happened she's been fine, she apologised for the way she spoke to me and I acknowledged that I could have just finished her game but she told me not to worry. There's not really much to say except it's pretty much returned to how it used to be.
XMATIC_4: OP,you are so fucking wrong,account sharing works only if you log on from a diffrent IP,you are making shit up....
crisothetank: No it doesn't, playing on someone elses account is against the rules regardless of which IP you are on. I'm not making shit up, it's the rules. That's why Seraph got banned from using Links 'kina' account, that's why players such as aphro got banned in s2-s3 for elo boosting. Please get your facts right before you comment.
XMATIC_4: YOU,please get your facts right before you post,that is completly wrong,how can RIOT prove some one else is playing on a diffrent account without no physical proof.
Aphro got banned beacuse he did it from a diffrent IP,if they did it from the same PC,RIOT would have no clue.
Please get your facts right before you comment.
crisothetank: What about seraph with link then? They were playing on the same IP and seraph still got banned from playing on 'kina'. Why? Because it wasn't his account.
I will say it one last final time because you are wrong, account sharing is against rules regardless of IP.
If a Bronze player suddenly went from a win rate of 30% to an instant win rate of 60% and climbed to Plat in a week RIOT would notice and the account would be tagged as suspicious. That's how it works.
Please get your facts right before you comment.
XMATIC_4: Seraph was not banned,they shared the same account=diffrent IP
If a Bronze player suddenly went from a win rate of 30% to an instant win rate of 60% and climbed to Plat in a week RIOT would notice and the account would be tagged as suspicious. That's how it works.
And what then,they come to my house and see if I am playing or some one else,please use your brain when dealing with these things.
I will not post anything anymore,Im going to bed,and BTW please get your facts right before you comment.
crisothetank: I'm done talking to people who don't know what they are talking about. Riot would obviously not come to your house, they would just ban the account, like they did with 'kina'. This is why both seraph and link had to create new accounts, jesus, some people are dense.
XMATIC_4: ........fuck me.....
Ban account for what?
What proof they have that im "boosting"
Maybe im getting better at the game,im assuming you are a christian,or a muslim,you belive what ever shit is thrown at you?
VikingFjorden: Holy ballsacks.
If you average 15% winrate with a K/D ratio of 0.4, and this climbs to 30% winrate with a K/D ratio of 0.7 over 6 months, that's entirely reasonable. If you then proceed to climb to a 60% winrate with a K/D ratio of 3.5 in the following 2 weeks, it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out that someone else is playing on your account - no one SUDDENLY starts improving that fast after previously improving at a much slower and steadier rate.
They can "prove" this by using their fucking common sense. They don't need formal proof since they are a private company and you have signed a waterproof EULA, so the best course for you is to learn what the rules are and be quiet.
LOL has a userbase of some 30+ million. You think they're going to launch an elaborate investigation into every accusation or suspicion of account sharing? Your account gets flagged based on number deviations, which is again based on statistics and rate developments, at which point you may either be auto-banned or flagged for review. The condemning factor doesn't have to be bullet proof, it just has to deviate with sufficient margin.
Nex201: >They don't need formal proof since they are a private company and you have signed a waterproof EULA
Not legal in my country.
VikingFjorden: I don't know where you live, but in Europe and the US, people lose in court all the time despite there being no formal proof.
There's literally millions of cases every year where the tipping criteria is "falls beyond reasonable doubt". The same applies in this situation. If it's beyond reasonable doubt that you have broken the EULA, they don't have to rigidly prove that you actually did.
So yes, in your country too, unless you live in North Korea or China.
Nex201: No, germany. When I come home from work I can send you the detailed paragraph if you would like to read it.
VikingFjorden: Sure. The legal system in Germany isn't that different from the rest of the world, so I would love to read it.
| 13 | 17.461538 | |
1412026755 | 1412201692 | t3_2htthe | t5_2to41 | 21 | TotallyNotChrisFloyd: TIFU by trying to get laid and just embarrassing myself(I did get laid afterwards)
TIFU, ok so this wasn't today, it was about a week ago, but I've only just made a reddit account, and I feel you should all laugh at my embarrassment because that shits funny. Right, well I'd been talking to this girl I'd know for a while now through friends and we decided to meet up, we walked around town kinda between where we both live for a while, and we went into one shop and I saw a "18 today" badge so I said to the girl, I've always wondered if I'd get served at a pub if I was to wear this badge, so I brought it. Probably the best £1 I've ever spent(Im only 17, legal drinking age is 18 in UK) it worked. somehow it worked, I brought a shit ton of alcohols for me and said girl, we then ended up walking round the town very, very drunk, at about 2pm. We went into one of the two arcades("mall" if you're American) we then both went into the parent and child's toilet thingy, and there was a chair inside, I sat down and the girl sat on my lap and we started kissing a lot, then I started unbuttoning her trousers, literally immediately after there was a knock on the door, we ignored it and carried on kissing, then they knocked again, except this time they said "This is security, we know what you're up to in there" We unlocked the door and there was 3 security guards outside the door, 3. We both did the walk of shame out the room. I got cockblocked by 3 security guards, as we were leaving one security guard said "Try the other arcade, they won't catch you in there" and then laughed, we then left the arcade and carried on walking around this town that I'd only been there once, so didn't know very well, we ended up climbing on a roof, whilst still very drunk, we ended up having sex on a random roof, the first time I'd met this girl, after that we got off the roof and realised that the roof we were on was the one of the other arcade, and we were in full sight of some offices the other side of the road, people probably saw me having drunken sec on a roof with a girl I'd met about 4 hours before. I don't know whether to be proud or not.
TL:DR Got drunk, tried to get laid with girl I'd met about 4 hours before, nearly got laid, security at arcade we tried to sex in cockblocked, left arcade, had sex on a roof, people probably saw, doesn't matter had sex.
zoidberg1339: Wait, if you guys call malls arcades, what do you call arcades?
AlyceSparkz: Malls probably...silly non-Americans...lol
TotallyNotChrisFloyd: We call Malls, Arcades and Arcades, Arcades, it's confusing:L
letterbox22: I'm British, we call them Shopping Centres...
TotallyNotChrisFloyd: The 'shopping centre' we were in was called the "_____ Arcade" not going to say the whole name but yeah, I called it an arcade.
letterbox22: Oh right! Seems unusual to me that's all
TotallyNotChrisFloyd: haha it's just one of those things with many names;)
letterbox22: You know, I was watching channel 4 news earlier and they said mall and I thought of this post. Weird..
TotallyNotChrisFloyd: Haha weird
TotallyNotChrisFloyd: in a 'not weird at all' way:L
| 11 | 1.909091 |
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