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1409669943 | 1409726979 | t3_2f9hq3 | t5_2to41 | 276 | SugarlessBear: TIFU by handing out Haribo Sugar free Gummy bears
Today i really, really fucked up. My mates and I saw LA Beasts video where he ate a hole 5lb bag of that deamon-candy, and we figured out the most legendary prank ever pulled. Our school has a large common room. We made sure we were there earlier than anyone else and poured the whole bag into a bowl with a sign that said "Free Candy". Then we sat down and watched. More and more people came pouring in to the common room, and not a single one missed the delicious gummy bears. People munched like it was their last day on earth. After a while, everyone started acting strange. Some rushed to the bathroom and others stayed put but with a noticeable frown on their faces. Then it started. MASS - Panic. We never thought it would get this out of control. You could hear a smattering sound from the bathrooms, I swear I even heard someone crying. The ones queuing for the bathrooms were sweating and most of them ran elsewhere in search of a vacant toilet. A fat kid shat himself on his way out, and after that everyone left the common room, mostly screaming. I am shitting myself (not literally) because if i get busted my whole future is ruined. Oh god reddit, NEVER buy Haribo Sugar free gummy bears, they are spawns of satan.
TL;DR - A friend and me put a bowl with sugar free gummy bears in the common room, several kids shat themselves and mass panic broke out.
mmiller1188: I learned about these side effects after I bought a large bag and ate it on lunch break one day.
AFTER I had finished the large bag, one of my coworkers told me about the side effects.
Never had anything happen. Go figure. I'm immune to whatever these do.
SugarlessBear: You sure it was these: "http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummi-Bears-Sugar-Free/dp/B000EVQWKC" ?
Otherwise, good for you being immune to such a horrible experience
CreativeWorks: TIL that gummy bears help anorexics loose weight while still eating
Edit: words.
[deleted]: ... huh?
CreativeWorks: Read the reviews
[deleted]: Can you just tell me? I read a couple and they were kind of funny, but I have no desire to read through a bunch just to get your reference.
CreativeWorks: On my phone so i could only copy/paste, but here ya go:
"I've been an anorexic for many years. Been out of the hospital many times for health issues, lately wondering if the next time will be my last. Yet I still couldn't bring myself to digest food like a normal person to save my life. Then I found this wonder. This gummi bear not only tastes good, but let's me eat like a normal person, poop like a normal person, all the while shedding pounds like crazy and maintaining my anorexic weight goal.
Thanks Haribo! No more purging for me!"
It was second in the list (sorted by most recent)
[deleted]: Thanks!
I think your original comment should be:
>TIL that gummy bears help anorexics lose weight while still eating
though.
CreativeWorks: Oh yeah XD thanks, will edit.
| 10 | 27.6 | |
1409670101 | 1409742566 | t3_2f9i1f | t5_2to41 | 7 | swollenjohnthomas: TIFU by having too much fun with The Fappening
I went to take a piss after redditing for ahwile, to find my penis swollen to twice it's usual size, it's so swollen I can't even move the foreskin...
You know when you hit your thumb or something really hard and it swells up so much it looks really freaky? Yeah imagine that on your fucking dick.
It fucking terrified me, thought I was baked off my head and hallucinating or something, but turns out I was only slightly high, and my dick is actually fucking expanding.
Turns out this is actually kind of common and called Balanitis or some shit, and it could go down in time. So currently I have ice on it.
Don't go too over the top guys!
Big_D_Man: If i remember correctly didn't some teenager die from fapping too much, it was quite a few years ago. I think it was on the news, he did it like 26 times or something. I cant remember all the details so don't quote me and sorry I don't have a link. Just thought this should be said lol
swollenjohnthomas: Dude that's the bad thing, I only beat off 3 times over 2 days...
It could happen to anyone.
mrcoplo: just 3? pfft what an amateur
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1409671638 | 1409673100 | t3_2f9ko1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | dude8462: TIFU by fucking a fat chick. (NSFW)
canada_mike: fat chicks need love too
dude8462: Been there and done that, never again.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409672076 | 1409690940 | t3_2f9lfc | t5_2to41 | 626 | greenbarretj: TIFU by grabbing a midnight snack
I am still reeling from this fuck up that happened less than 8 hours ago. Last night, I was knee deep in a Luther marathon on Netflix when I got a little jones in my bones for something sweet. So I shuffle my scantly clad ass over to the pantry where I procure a bag of 100 calorie fudge rounds and shuffle on back to the bedroom, my dark bedroom, my very-important-to-this-story dark bedroom.
I begin to house this minuscule bag of Keebler elf creation when I notice something was a bit off. The fudge on this fudge round was missing. Hmmm, strange, I think. It is the tail end of summer and I just assume that the fudge melted off, so I return to munching away. This is EXACTLY where I can could have minimized the fuck up that was happening without me even knowing.
The cookies started to put a real funky taste in my mouth. Being the natural detective that I am (inspired by my show of choice), I held a fudge round up to my computer screen...no notice of foul play, but then again, IT WAS VERY DARK.
After I finish the bag, which was not very big to begin with. I had a noticeably off-putting taste in my mouth. However, I was tired, so I just swigged some water, sloshed it around in my mouth, and swallowed the nasty taste away (as best as I could). Shortly after, the sandman pays me a visit and I am off to dreamland.
A couple hours later, I awake to the taste of pure putrescence in my mouth. I promptly run to the bathroom and brush/floss/mouthwash until I am not so disgusted anymore. What was that taste? Time to find out.
I return to the bag, and reluctantly lift it to see my greatest horror unfold before my eyes: the bag was CRAWLING with ants. And not just a few ants, probably a couple hundred ants. My mind goes into a panic. Hopefully, they just got there overnight. I check the pantry, and sure as shit stinks, the box is riddled with the little fuckers.
In my sleepy, half blind stupor, I had eaten a bag full of ants. Fuck.
I have since gone medieval on there tiny thoraxes and bug sprayed the hell out of my pantry, but the damage is done. I am now an anteater.
**TL;DR I went to get a midnight snack and ended up eating a bag of ants.**
Voyager5555: Not too bright, are you?
BrodoSaggins: The room wasn't too bright. Not him.
Voyager5555: Was kind of the joke but apparently not operating too well before coffee.
BrodoSaggins: Don't worry comrade. I upvote you. You at -11 now. All is almost good.
Voyager5555: Thanks buddy, my game is usually a lot better in here...
| 6 | 104.333333 | |
1412095396 | 1412115454 | t3_2hvm27 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Enough of the negging; it's 2014, nobody falls for that anymore.
Get over yourself, and realize that there is a difference between teasing and mockery, that your idea of "a good joke" is someone else's betrayal of trust, and that you cannot simply *bully* other people into sharing your ideas by putting them down. It's unattractive, and it makes you unattractive.
The_Reaper95: Wow.. You really think a mutual joke between friends is bullying.
You no longer frustrate me but just amaze me. You think I am a troll by stating that not every single time people laughing is mockery? I just don't get how you came to this conclusion like seriously, you have misunderstood literally EVERYTHING I have said.
Friends joking about masturbation somehow relates to you as "HEIL HITLER LETS LAUGH AT OUR FRIENDS PENIS JERKING".
Bullying, betrayal of trust and somehow you have came to the conclusion I am unattractive.
I am on OP's side in saying that yes, what his girlfriend did was horrible and the opposite of funny, but mutually and comfortably talking about masturbation (which once again you have stated and I even agreed with, is normal) means friends are accepting that you do it, why? Because they know full well they do it as well.
If OP's friends were indeed laughing at him because they were mocking him as you believe they did then yes, wholeheartedly I agree with you.
However I do not believe that this is the case. Most good friends laugh at each other. Everyone laughs, sometimes at other people's expense but not always to mock them and you really need to accept that people do not always laugh at people but with them, it's a way of accepting a situation where they feel embarrassed about something they do not need to feel embarrassed about, to accept it and eventually laugh about it themselves.
OP should not feel embarrassed about masturbating and his girlfriend should not have made him feel embarrassed like she did. Like seriously, ever thought that sometimes people laugh because otherwise it would be extremely fucking awkward?
I admit shit to my friends that they have laughed about but here's the thing I am laughing with them. I'm not embarrassed to admit shit and believe me I can get pissed off when people laugh at me but I can also tell the difference between mockery and a good laugh, I was bullied in school more than enough, and out of school those were the friends i made.
My friends laugh at me and I laugh at my friends, I don't laugh and neither do they when it is at someone elses expense that we do not like, no we just "bully" the shit out of each other instead of others. We accept each others flaws and no one just decides they can shout it out in the street to people that do not understand, which is once again what you are implying that I think is okay to do and that laugh at such an action.
Again, I do not think highly of OP's GF's actions, at all in fact I think she is a bitch for doing that, no question about it. But I do not think that OP's friends are the same as his GF. They could of easily just been laughing at him without realizing he is very seriously upset about it. Most people don't let on they are upset, especially men because it can hurt their pride, but again the worst thing a person can do in that situation is sit their and take that shit.
If he had said he jokingly replied back with something like "At least I'm not a bunch of wankers like you guys" then it certainly would have put it in to a different situation..
With the way you are acting as if I am trying to force my opinion down your throat it seriously makes me think you have experienced something like that in life, being shamed for something you should not be made to feel shame for by an ignorant and selfish individual.
Seriously at this point I am sorry if you misunderstood but you should really, really stop looking in to shit so much as it can so incredibly easily distort the actual meaning of what is being said.
Also again, seriously, you are a wanker.. You masturbate, feel as though I'm mocking you because I say you did that? Don't, I'm a wanker too.
[deleted]: Wow, this really *is* a sensitive topic, for you?
>I was bullied in school more than enough
Ahh, I see. Okay, let's just let it drop, shall we?
The_Reaper95: No, no. Don't drop it. I implore you. Go on an tell me why you suddenly think that specific and minor detail out of the entire comment is important.
Because I'm telling you now it doesn't bother me, I admit that I was bullied so I know how being bullied feels, which again means I am able to tell the difference between being bullied and someone making a joke at my expense because when it's at my expense I usually have a comeback and I'm laughing with them,
I'm not saying bullying is okay nor am I saying it matters that I was bullied.
Seriously why is it you even bothered implying I was a troll? You have quite honestly just piqued my interest as to how utterly weird you are. You act like a troll then call others trolls. I am not saying what you believe I am saying and I never have been. So, the downvotes from people who can't read aren't an issue.
Other than that you are just straight up backwards.
[deleted]: You say that you understand that what the girlfriend did was unacceptable, yet you can't seem to draw a line between friends poking fun at each other and laughing amongst themselves, and "friends" laughing at the deliberate shaming of a man by someone who's supposed to care for him. Which, in light of your previous history, suddenly makes sense.
I'm guessing that at some point, you found yourself in a position where someone you had trusted betrayed your trust - and instead of standing up for you, instead of saying, "yo, that shit ain't cool", the people who you thought were your friends turned and laughed at the betrayal right along with the betrayer.
I'm guessing that this was the moment when, somewhere inside your head, you decided that this was okay, that this was just a thing that friends did, because the fact that you couldn't trust your friends either was just too hurtful to bear. I'm guessing that you decided to harden yourself against future hurts by deciding that you had no right to expect that trust, that the "correct" response was to laugh along, so you could feel like one of the guys instead of the victim.
I'm guessing this because I've seen it before, right down to the vehemence of your reaction.
Of course, I could be wrong...
>because when it's at my expense I usually have a comeback and I'm laughing with them
...but I'm pretty sure I'm not.
The_Reaper95: > and "friends" laughing at the deliberate shaming of a man by someone who's supposed to care for him.
This my friend is where you or I fucked up. I did not mean to imply that I am laughing at the shaming of a man. I originally stated that Masturbation on it's own, as a solitary subject is funny, especially with my friends, I never however said that the situation with his friends was funny in particular, considering that again he did not once mention whether or not his friends laughed at him. No, not once which is why it would be a bit hard for me to imply that his friends laughing at him and the idea of them laughing at his shame and embarrassment was funny (which neither of us know even happened) was funny.
Like I said, you have misunderstood what I have been saying in it's entirety and have been speaking about personal experiences that were not in any way related to a situation even so much as similar as OP's.. No, pretty much everything I said is off-topic. Whilst you were on-topic and assumed that I was on-topic as well.. A fuck up on my part admittedly but your fuck up comes from ONCE AGAIN reading way to much in to nothing and making shit up so it can fit your idea of what you believe I am talking about, and not listening to me repeatedly trying to explain that, no, what you are talking about is not the same as I what I am talking about.
You see, in actuality I was simply trying to get the point across that just by chance, perhaps OP's friends were not laughing at him being shamed and even if they were there is no guarantee that they were laughing at him because of the reasons you have reiterated many, many times. Because you don't know his friends or how they reacted to what his girlfriend had told them then you should not state he should get new friends simply because you had imagined how they reacted.
Again, like you have said, masturbation is normal, it's not shameful, it's not embarrassing and it certainly is funny in mostly any context.
But laughing at a man who has been shamed, that like you again have said, is not funny.
Separate the two situations and you get an entirely different conversation. You took the shame part and made that the basis of your comment. What I however got from your comment is that you overall find talking about masturbation in any context whatsoever with your friends and them happening to laugh at any time instantly results in you feeling embarrassed or hurt, or shamed or whatever. I am telling you that you specifically should not feel those feelings because they're wankers too, and that is the same thing I was saying to OP. Feel pride for being a wanker, all males from a certain age do it so why should you feel any worse for it?
Anyway. you have quite literally made up your own little story based on a misunderstanding, well done? Send the script to Universal as a film about teenage awkwardness, I don't care.. I'm just going to go play Shadow of Mordor because it's just come out, do whatever with your life I couldn't care less. Just realize that once again you read way too much in to a situation, misunderstood from the beginning what I was saying to you and then tried to imagine what not only what I look like as a person but also tried to write my life story without any prior knowledge of it... You did that, you literally did that.
[deleted]: No, apparently you have made up your outrage by choosing to misunderstanding *me*. And are still, in defiance of all logic, trying to blame it on anyone but yourself.
We're done here. Have a nice day.
The_Reaper95: [Riiiight..](http://media.giphy.com/media/jeXiz1RAvzX44/giphy-facebook_s.jpg) I said masturbation is funny. You proceed to claim I am stating the complete opposite of what I actually said.
EDIT: I also said "This is where you or I fucked up"... I fucked up because I failed to explain that it's a misunderstanding in a way that you could actually understand, you fucked up however to catch on that it was a misunderstanding even though clearly we were basically talking about completely different things.
| 8 | 0.875 | |
1409673169 | 1409674848 | t3_2f9n9z | t5_2to41 | 19 | flabtheimpaler: TIFU by trying to have a bigger dick [NSFW, obviously]
My gf keeps bringing up her ex. Once she kinda hinted he was hung. I told her I didn't want to know. But a couple of times she mentioned his BD anyway. She keeps saying it doesn't matter but she keeps talking about it and bringing him up. I'm freaking out.
So I did some research. I read up on diet, alcohol and exercise. I started doing kegels and some jelqing and stuff like that. I took horny goat weed and some other stuff that turned out to be crap.
But someone on /r/sex linked to a vid of a porn actress talking about the difference between how big a dick is and how big it feels. She said guys with a skinny dick (hi, there!) can 'feel' thicker by going in at an angle. I don't mean dragging it out along her sides I mean fucking her like the opening is a half inch to one side.
So I did. I swole my new healthy dick up and fucked her crooked, as hard as I can. She got this look on her face like a porno, like fear and pain and I'm thinking yeah, I don't ever want to hear that guy's name or about his dick ever again. *Fuck, fuck, fuck, hard, hard, hard, crooked, crooked, crooked*. And porn face. I figure I'm gold.
I pull out and there's blood everywhere, all over us both. She starts freaking out saying she feels scraped inside and I say I'm sorry. I tell her about the exercises and the pills and I tell her about the porn actress and how I can fuck like I have a bigger dick now and she's like **WHO TOLD YOU I NEED A BIGGER DICK WHAT THE FUCK**
I fucked up.
btw, fuck porn its a lie
kwyjiboner: Wait... what?
I've put my dick in vaginas at various angles and never pulled it out bloody (except as a casualty of shark week).
flabtheimpaler: She says I made her bleed before, a couple of times but I never noticed.
UglierThanMoe: It might be a good idea to have her see a gynecologist. Unless you go to work extremely rough and/or with insufficient lubrication, a woman shouldn't bleed from her vagina after intercourse.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1412073317 | 1412075360 | t3_2hvma1 | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by destroying my gf's pussy nsfw
So me and my gf went on a vacation to ........... Great hotel and all. And one evening we were talking about what she would like to do sexually. So we ended up having sex with her on top and it was great she got a little more rough than usual and i liked it. At one point while shes riding me cowboy style i hear a scream next thing i know my gf is rushing to the bathroom and locking herself up. I was confused as fuck she didn't want to let me in so i told her i will break the door because i was really worried, she finally lets me in and i see that there is a purple fucking thing sticking out of her vagina i started freaking out, telling her we should call an ambulance she was in shock and she said there was no way she is going to let anyone see it but she told me it hurt really bad so after a long conversation she finally gave in and we called for help. The doctor came about an hour later dude was sleepy as fuck it was about 4 am. He then examines her and tells us we have to go see a specialist because he does not deal with this type of things so we go to the hospital it was the shittiest looking hospital i have ever been in and we waited for the specialist for about 2 hours by the time he arrived i already had smoked a pack of cigarettes and was about to murder half of the staff. He also examined her and told us that it was nothing serious, apparently a blood vessel had popped creating a purple disgusting bubble of filth. It's been two days now and my gf is staying at the hotel with an ice pack between her legs waiting to go home i think i won't be able to look at her vagina the same way again and i wont get to look at it for a couple of weeks for sure but hey at least the weather here is nice.
Tl;dr had sex with my gf, destroyed her pussy. No sex for me anymore.
HolstenerLiesel: TYFU by using four commas in 400 words.
JerkasaurousRexx: TIL: "Teld" is a word.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1409691488 | 1409706722 | t3_2f9nzx | t5_2to41 | 21 | Albanian_Tea: Hodor
OrdyHartet: Hodor!!!
icosahedron14912: HODOR!!!!
Shogelicious: hoDOR!!!
icosahedron14912: HOdor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1409673326 | 1409693384 | t3_2f9njf | t5_2to41 | 153 | NoSham3: TIFU deceiving my fiancé and now she left me in middle America with no way to get home.
*Disclaimer*: I'm typing on a mobile phone. Sorry for errors in advance.
This week I have a job interview in middle America and I wanted to bring my fiancé with me to see the area. She's never left her corner of the states and I thought it would be a good exercise to introduce her the area ahead of time, in case I get the offer.
So I'll begin with a little history of her and I. We met about 5 years ago (her 30 y/o, me 26 y/o at the time). We talked for a while over the phone at a distance because we lived about 1000 miles apart. Occasionally I'd go back to her area and see her. It was mostly casual when I was there; food, drinks, hookin up (no sex). It was fun.
Eventually I got to a point with my job where I decided that I wanted change. In order to fulfill this, I decided to go back to school. I chose to do it near her so we could be together and start seriously dating. She was extremely excited at the time and all was well through the honeymoon dating phase. Eventually things mellowed out, school was in cruise control, and I began talking about returning to my old job. She wasn't keen on the idea of moving for numerous reasons. Most of all because we weren't married.
To this point in our relationship, things on the surface looked good. But we were aware of some (primarily one) key difference between us that didn't align. We tried on a few occasions to confront the issue and each time it resulted in arguing. At the two year mark we decided to split and go our separate ways.
I then took an immediate opportunity to remove myself from that area and went to middle America for work and to finish school. During that time in M.A. I created some new opportunities, all the while keeping in distant contact with her. This was only greetings around holidays and her b-day.
By about January of this year, her and I began talking maybe once a month on the phone just to hear how we we doing. It was nice. Then I received an offer to return to work at my old job I walked away from when her and I began dating. I was stoked. She heard through mutual contacts about it and congratulated me at the time. After about a month of me being back in my new spot, she asked to visit. I said yes. During that visit I thought she said a few thing that sounded as if she turned a new leaf and might consider relocating if we were to be married. So I proposed.
I understand there may not be enough details in the story to seem like this was a calculated decision, but it is only the Cliff Notes version of the story.
Now, we have began making all the plans for a wedding, her move, and possibly mine too because a potentially better opportunity arose recently in M.A. So here I am. And here's where the story should take off.
After we got engaged she heard about some of my M.A. friends. One in particular (a female) she didn't like to hear about. She asked me to stop talking to her. I assured her that I had no desire for this other female and in fact she was dating my best friend. Fiancé didn't care. She said it was inappropriate to talk to other women period and I need to end all communication. Eventually I said ok and told "friend" that I could not continue casually talking to her.
A couple weeks later "friend" called me from another friends phone because I wouldn't answer calls or text (had her blocked). I told her why then said I'd just change the name and keep in touch kind of incognito. Most all the messages she sent were asking me about her b/f, my friend, and I kept ignoring them. She'd heard me say over and over, I didn't want to be in the middle of their shit. So there was a log of one way messages. Then she totaled her vehicle. I gave her some advise on how to handle the process. I told my fiancé about that and she lost her lid. Her reason was that friends don't help each other like that. Huh?! I said ok and that I wouldn't help any longer.
So last Friday, 6 or so weeks after the wreck, I get a message saying friend got a new car with a pic of it. I responded saying congrats, a few more texts asking what's new. Nothing more. Then yesterday as I'm in M.A. showing my fiancé around before my interview, friend sends a message asking if I was in town. She heard from my buddy that I would be. Remember, it's not her actual name, it's disguised as a dude.
I saw it and ignored it. Wasn't going to see her. Didn't care. Unbeknownst to me, fiancé saw this message and questioned who it was. She asked me in passing soon after when was the last time I spoke with "friend." Here's where I admittedly F'ed up. I said a few weeks before, when fiancé was aware. Friday's messages seemed to me like no big deal, and not enough to bring into question why so soon. This was my mistake.
So late last night, I got out of bed to piss. Fiancé took my phone and began looking at messages. She immediately realized what I had done. Understandably, she went through yelling at me, calling me a liar, saying she could never trust me. I didn't fight it. I told her I was wrong and there was no excuse. She said that was it. No mas! She was done.
So last night she changed her flight to leave today. I drove the rental to the Airport and turned it in because we booked it in her name. What I didn't realize or think about at that time was I had just renewed my driver license and I had an expired card with temporary papers. Well at the counter to rent the vehicle I can't find the paperwork. No paperwork = no rental. F me!
So here I sit at Waffle House. Waiting 4+ hours for my buddy (dude) to drive and pick me up. And best of all I need to still find a way to get a valid I.D. to get through TSA in 5 days when I return home. Shit!
TL;DR: I (M) put friends (F) number in phone under a male alias. Fiancé doesn't like friend and finds out while fiancé and I are on vacation/holiday. Fiancé breaks up and goes home alone. I lost valid I.D. and can't fly, rent car, and left stranded in middle America.
asharkey3: >Fiancé didn't care. She said it was inappropriate to talk to other women period and I need to end all communication
I stopped reading at this point and no longer care about your fiancé's feelings.
JonWesHarding: fucking right. she's quite manipulative in a scary way. Next thing you know, you'll be too afraid to talk to the girl at the McDonald's counter because....well, because she has a vagina. What if your fiance catches you!
cerbaroo: Plus she didn't want him to help out (what she thought was) a male friend with a car insurance issue. It seems like she was trying to isolate him from everyone but her, which is a classic beginning to an abusive relationship.
JonWesHarding: Yup. Thank god it had an ending, too.
| 5 | 30.6 | |
1411427877 | 1411444601 | t3_2h6bq2 | t5_2to41 | 241 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a threesome with a 44-year-old lady
Actually the biggest fuck-up isn't for me, but for my friend, who was also in the threesome. But here we go. Me (I'm 20) and some of the guys from my soccer team were at a small bar in my small hometown. I recently moved to a bigger city to study, but I was home for a couple of days. We were drinking a couple of beers, nothing crazy, and we were basically the only people at the bar, except for this lady and two men. I walk up to the bar to buy some more beers to bring to our table, and this lady, who is sitting at the bar, says to me: "You look very handsome". I smile and say thanks, just to be polite. She then says "You are very very handsome". I thank her again, being very humble. She tells me she was in the same class as my father when she was young. (it's werid) But since she's sitting alone, I then ask her, just for fun "You should come sit with us". She agrees and sits with me and my teammates. She then starts showing me pictures from her phone, and "accidentally" scrolls past some nude photos of her. She then grabs my leg and says "Do you want to have sex with me?" I get really nervous and kinda scared. I then say "we can't just walk out, my teammates will think weirdly of it." Then i get this bright idea. I ask her "Do you want to have a threesome?" she says "Sure" and then I text my friend, who is sitting at the opposite side of the table. He is also 20. The text says "Ready for a threesome?" I point my eyes at her and look at him while smiling. He nods. We say to the other guys, that we are going to get something to eat. We then rush to one of our friends' place. He lives in his parents garage, very close to the bar. We tell him to get out of there, because we are going to have a threesome in there. He agrees, because he's kind of crazy. He then proceeds to climb up the roof of the garage and videotape it through a window in the ceiling. I did not know this at the time. So we get there, and tell the 44-year-old lady, who btw is insanely drunk, that this is my appartment. I start to kiss her and we get naked fast, and she just starts blowing me right away. My friend removes his clothes instantly and gets a blowjob too. I have sex with her, and after 3 minutes or so she just starts screaming and squirting, my socks were all wet. My friend is just walking around in the room trying to keep his boner going. I feel so weird and awkward at this point, and I'm not attracted to this lady at all, but it's for the sake of doing something "yolo" I guess. My friend fucks her a little bit as well, but she asks me to fuck her instead. My friend then asks her if she wants DP. She does not. It's awkward. I then just fuck her some more, and she squirts some more, and my friend gets a BJ. I then cum inside her (Which I know is not good). My friend and I then quickly put our clothes on, and then tell her that we'll just go outside for a minute. We then run as fast as we can away from the garage. So now she's just sitting on the bed in the garage naked. My friend who lives there, calls me and my god he is pissed. "COME BACK YOU FUCKHEADS" we come back and climb the roof up to him. We find out that he's been watching the whole time. We look down the window, and we can see the lady sitting naked. After 10 minutes or so, she puts her clothes on and walks out. So yeah.. This is pretty crazy. But now comes the fucked up part. She has a son and a husband. And guess what my friend, who also fucked her, does for a job? He's a fucking kindergarten teacher. And guess what child is in his class? Her fucking kid. And guess what's planned for next week? A parent teacher conversation, with the drunk lady he just had a threesome with, her husband and her little kid. Holy fuck. TL;DR: FUCK
Rosenkrantz_: Bro. Do you even paragraph?
LoganBooker: Going to toot my own horn here and point you towards a Chrome extension I just published that reformats walls of text to make them readable:
https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/breakup/janccjlmbelkhnffmbfimnklelkdfcoh
Of course, this assumes you're using Chrome. :P
EDIT: Here's what this post looks like post-Breakup:
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/jY8NUQM.png)
frshmt: Doesn't work for me :(
LoganBooker: Well, that's no good! Sorry if this is a silly question, but did you right-click on the post and select "Break up text" from the context menu? It doesn't work automatically unfortunately.
If so, try doing it twice -- sometimes it does apply the formatting the first time. I also think that after installing an extension you need reload any already open pages you want to use it on.
frshmt: I hadn't haha, I assumed it was automatic. It works fine now.
Thanks for making this thing, you're making the internet better for everyone.
| 6 | 40.166667 | |
1409675654 | 1410054711 | t3_2f9rn8 | t5_2to41 | 21 | OnyxVII: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend.
Like most TIFU posts, this wasn't today. It was a few months back. A little backstory: Me and my girlfriend are both young, both 18. When we started dating, my girlfriend and I used to have sex any chance we could. This meant going out late at night because our parents weren't exactly going to give us their blessing. We used to find places covered in shade where not many people went, like an out-of-the-way tree by a path, even a children's park at like 8pm in the middle of a rainstorm. We once even did it in public in the daylight fully clothed and got caught by the cops! But i'm going off-topic now.
Occasionally, we'd be in her house while her family would watch a movie. She has the living room, and then another room attached to that, with only a simple windowed door separating both rooms. You can see perfectly through the door, but the door also has curtains on it. Her parents had drawn the curtains and sat down to watch a movie. This included her mother, father, and 3 little brothers.
We decided not to join them, turned all the light off in our little room, and snuggled up on the couch, Realizing the curtains were drawn and her family couldn't see us, we got a little ballsy. We both got pretty turned on, and she grabbed a nice long jacket off the coat hanger to cover herself. I took my belt off so it wouldn't jingle, and pulled my jeans down the best i could while still keeping them high enough to pull up if need be.
We were soon going at it, her trying to keep herself quiet and me trying my hardest to finish quickly (after all, this probably wasn't the best place to start having sex). I was getting pretty close, she was doing a half-decent job of keeping her moans down, and suddenly as i finally reached my peak.. the curtains were pulled apart and the door busted open. Her jacket was covering her but her dad managed to see her bounce up and down a couple times and realized what was going on. I don't think i'll go on any further because (even though we're still together to this day) it didn't exactly go well after that. Her dad screamed at me, screamed at her, her mother was oddly silent, and i was thrown out of and banned from the house. My girlfriend refused to break up with me though, and we got our own place shortly after. I really doubt i'm ever going to be friendly with her family again. But hey, it's a story me and her like to laugh at occasionally!
Tl;dr I came in front of my father-in-law.
Edit: Her family's reaction.
BigBobsBootyBarn: He had the right to be mad at the moment (disrespecting the house, as my parents used to call it) but if you're still with her today and seem to be a half way decent human being, he needs to get the fuck over it. She could've ended up with some douche who got her pregnant and left but she didn't.
westerschwelle: > disrespecting the house
What does that even mean?
BigBobsBootyBarn: It was a saying
...which meant going against their wishes and having sex at 15 and possibly getting pregnant, at their house.
westerschwelle: I see, thanks.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1412057245 | 1412255133 | t3_2hv7pi | t5_2to41 | 27 | Lexinoz: TIFU by World of Warcraft-Cooking a frozen pizza.
Alright, so this requires a bit of backstory:
Me and my friends have a term to describe "gamer-cooking", which is when you put something on the stove or in the oven and forget about it because you get busy with a game, namely: Wow-cooking. None of us play WoW any more but the term stuck as a result of many a charcoal dinner.
Anyways, so this time I was sat here playing some game, and I work evenings, so I was up at 4am and I got a bit hungry. Naturally I have a full stock of frozen pizzas and went on my merry way to the kitchen to put one in the oven, as one does. Now I plant in my mind to set my phone on a 15 minute timer and start returning to my room, but along the way I get this terrible tummy ache, arguably the result of a solid diet of frozen pizzas and nothing for the past week. (I recently got single again.) So I rush to the toilet, do my business and return to my room to keep playing the game I was so involved in. Mind you I'm also catching up on the latest season of Supernatural in preparation of the new season starting soon. All good, right? I start a new episode as I sit down and watch it through and through. (Mind you, these episodes are 45 minutes).
This is probably the point at which you might realize that I forgot to set the timer for the pizza. More precisely, this is the point at which I realize I'm a bit hungry, and I should make some f...OH FUCK!
I run to the kitchen, burst open the door and see fuckall, it's basically like opening a door to Silent Hill. I can barely see anything. Now, why didn't the smoke alarm go off, you might ask? Well, This isn't the first time this type of thing has happened, so naturally I've unplugged it so I won't be woken up my my roommate in the middle of the day.
Well, considering this is not the first time it's happened, I do what we normally do in this situation, crack open both windows and start venting out the room. My eyes are stinging like mad here. I open the stove and see my delicious charcoal frizbee dinner all ready and waiting for me. Now I'm a bachelor and I've eaten worse things than charcoal with a doughy center before, so I happily wait for most of the smoke to clear and prep the remains of the pizza and bring it back to my room. I'm thinking all's good. Put on the next episode of Supernatural and start nomming away.
About halfway through the episode my doorbell rings. Which I find rather odd considering it's closer to 6am now, but I think "hey maybe it's the paper guy or something" It's not *THAT* unlikely in my mind.
I roll out of my chair and wobble over to the front door, I open it and in front of me are 3 firemen standing in full gear. Two of them rush past me in to the hallway and spread out through the house, the last one grabs me by the shoulders and asks where the fire is in a fairly stern manner.
I, completely dazed by both lack of sleep and the situation mention that there's no fire, but I did burn a pizza 20 minutes ago.
The fireman calls back his partners and explains it was a false alarm. So I explain the situation to the three men and they chuckle. They tell me how they got a call about a potential fire and how it's actually a fairly common occurrence.
**Apparently**, when you have smoke billowing through a window in the middle of the night some bystanders might walk by and think it was a fire, *who knew.*
Mind you, I did actually forget that I left the oven on, so smoke was still building up while I had returned to my room. (Yeah, we should clean the oven).
TL;DR: Got hungry, got firemen.
PrincessBrideFanatic: And this is why I continue to tell my son not to get so wrapped up in games, TV shows or anything electronic. This shit terrifies me. Glad it ended better for you than it could have.
The_Reaper95: Games have done more good for children and teenagers than all false studies want you to believe. The children who are bad on games, well that's just down to parenting or rather simply a lack thereof.
PrincessBrideFanatic: I'm not reading studies or a bad parent. I'm simply trying to get him to balance his responsibilities with the games. That's all. If that makes me a bad parent, then so be it.
The_Reaper95: Yeah, I'm not saying you are a bad parent or that you are reading studies.. I'm just saying that games aren't all bad in any way, if that is not what you are saying I specifically apologize for that.
Most parents for many reasons dislike their children playing games, but all I'm saying is that most people put games in a bad light because they haven't experienced them. Playing a game is sometimes like reading a book, specifically in Single Player games. It's a book, a movie, a interactive multiple genre art form that connects people all over the world by their love of games.
Some people may be lazy, unproductive, lazy or unorganized but that is because they are like that as a person. People can get incredibly involved with any hobby, not just games.
I did not mean to imply anything, only that when you do see a kid, teenager or adult who are immature, loud, obnoxious or ignorant like the average 12 year old that plays Call of Duty each year that is only because that child's parent let's the game parent him rather than them.
I honestly wasn't implying that you yourself was a bad parent only that when you find a certain type of person who plays a game it shouldn't be taken as an example for all gamers world wide who consist of all ages, race, gender, religion, beliefs.
Sorry if I seem too passionate, again I apologize for implying something I did mean to imply, just don't want people to get the wrong idea about games based on a singular experience.
PrincessBrideFanatic: Oh ok! Yeah, I don't have a bad impression of games. Hubby and I are gamers, so we get it. We also make sure household chores get done. When I have to tell my 16 year old to take a shower, do his laundry or whatever chore he has to do and he starts telling me his homework is done when its not or is getting lower grades then he's capable of, then the games are an issue.
I understand what you're saying now, and agree with you. I'm just trying to raise a good well rounded kid that plays games. :)
The_Reaper95: Yeah, I also see what you mean, learning taking responsibility for oneself rather than getting obsessed with a singular hobby.
I think the reason people downvoted your original comment is just because they thought that you were simply blaming games for a lack of responsibility, which obviously isn't the case. Gamer parents are something any kid could would love because then sometimes they can share the memories. I still remember playing N64 with my dad and brother having a great time :P I never understood the whole thing as a teenager either but as I grew older I eventually realized I had to take responsibility for myself.
I'm sure your kid will grow out if it eventually and be able to handle both as most gamers do. Plus I'm sure you're proud, most teenagers I've seen these days don't even know how to wash their own clothes or make a proper meal.
PrincessBrideFanatic: I am so proud of him and I tell him regularly. He's so damn smart, too. And I don't mean that as a mother who thinks the sun shines out of her kids' asses. I mean that as a person who sees the things he comes up with, and has come up since he was about four, and think "Damn, I never would have thought about that."
I'm sure one day he'll grow out of the lazy teen phase, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating when I'm telling him for the fourth time to put the game down long enough to take a shower, lol!
The_Reaper95: XD, yeah I would imagine it's frustrating as hell but sometimes you are so enveloped with a game you just couldn't care about your surroundings, not every gamer is like that true, but most are.. Same way a person can get involved in a book, or watching a TV series, listening to music ect.
Anyway, good luck in getting your kid to do the chores and what not :P
| 9 | 3 | |
1409671342 | 1409705975 | t3_2f9k41 | t5_2to41 | 21 | kalitarios: TIFU by reading someones reddit post aloud at the office with my headphones on, not realizing I said it aloud. Loudly.
From the Naked Jafar Doll PS Battle thread:
http://www.reddit.com/r/photoshopbattles/comments/2f8xrh/psbattle_naked_jafar_doll/ck6zwal
Specifically Rbuieb's "Jeezusth crythst" reply
http://www.reddit.com/r/photoshopbattles/comments/2f8xrh/psbattle_naked_jafar_doll/ck72ykc
I read it out loud in a very Yiddish/'cowardly lion' voice. Since I had headphones on, didn't realize just how loud I said it until the office basically stopped what they were doing and looked at me, Inception-dream-realization-moment style.
My boss gave me the stink eye and shook his head. Yes, the same boss I left stranded at the airport a few weeks ago.
And now I just a meeting invite from him with one of our HR Reps. BRB
Edit: Was told I have to take a sensitivity training course (video), and a SharePoint based 'exam' for compliance as recommended by HR. What?
alexmikli: ...Sensitivity training? What?
kalitarios: Yes. It was an all in one training exam for compliance.
Sadly i passed it quickly but had to leave the last question up for 27 minutes and wiggle the mouse every so often. There was a 30 minute exam requirement of time as well as a score bar of 90%
| 3 | 7 | |
1412073005 | 1412094101 | t3_2hvm0h | t5_2to41 | 17 | scalloppotato: TIFU by being a robot at my job.
So this Fall I picked up a new job doing school photography. You know, the people who would show up a couple of times of year, make you pose in very uncomfortable positions and blind you with our studio flash.
Anyway. Not a bad gig. Pays the bills and I don't mind the work. After a few weeks of getting into the groove of things you end up repeating yourself in a matter similar to the scratchy instructions you recieve upon getting on a rollercoaster.
"Hi there, I'm going to have you step on the two red foot prints on the ground, tilt your head a bit and BIG SMILE!"
*big flash*
Now for the other pose.
"Okay now step on the two blue feet next to the red ones please!"
And bam! Onto the next one. I pride myself on my speedy system and my managers said I tend to have a quicker pace than most of the photographers.
So the day is going great. Probably did at least 100 students since the morning began when a special needs assistant rolls over a student in a wheel chair.
'No problem,' I thought to myself. His assistant placed him directly in front of the camera and I wanted to give this guy some angles so I can from outside the camera, get him into place. I return to my camera and get a great first picture of this dude. Time to get the other pose.
This is where I fucked up.
Without thinking and going into robot mode I say:
"Great! Can you please ste-"
It was too late.
I didn't fully say the word but the damage was done. I'm Immediately filled with shame, I stepped out from the camera and repositioned the student while trying to ignore eye contact with him and the assistant.
Noone said anything and it wasn't a big deal but that poor kid definitely heard me say "step" and for that I felt horrible.
Good thing this is seasonal work.
Scheur: Being embarassed about things like this is why special needs kids get embarassed from my experience.
I go to a school with a lot of special needs kids (wheelchairs etc) and we make the rudest of jokes about eachother's disability.
scalloppotato: Lol I can't imagine how those exchanges go down.
Scheur: Oh, it can range from friendly jokes to full out fight (jousting ;-) )
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1409675108 | 1409785859 | t3_2f9qom | t5_2to41 | 304 | FRAK_IT: TIFU by forgetting to bring tampons on a trip to Africa
A couple of years ago, my parents were stationed in a west African country for work and I was visiting them for the summer. They planned for us to spend a couple of weeks travelling in the northern part of the country, where tourists normally don't go (my parents are adventurous travelers and we often vacation in pretty remote areas). Now, I would also consider myself a pretty adventurous traveler and open-minded to new experiences. However, I was not prepared for the events that occurred on this trip.
About half-way through our travels, I get my period. Okay, not really that big of a deal, I open my backpack to get a tampon and FUCK- no tampons. Also, we're outside hiking and the nearest toilet is a group of bushes off the footpath. A slight annoyance, but hey, I've been camping and have dealt with worse. I grab some tissues and create a "temporary solution" until we get to the nearest town.
We finish up our hike and drive to the hotel my parents plan to stay in for the night. As my parents go off and unpack, I sneak to the reception and ask where the closest pharmacy is located. The receptionist gives me an odd look and I wonder if perhaps she didn't understand my heavily American accented french. She tells me to follow her. Okay, whatever, it's probably better to have a guide anyways since it's going to get dark soon. We leave the hotel and walk towards what appears to be the town center. But this place isn't really a town, it's more of a village. The road is dirt and there are about 15 thatch-roofed buildings in the entire place. No wonder the receptionist gave me a quizzical look for asking for a pharmacy. As a white ginger, I realize that I stick out like a sore thumb and begin to wonder if following this receptionist is a good idea.
I explain to the receptionist exactly what I need and she takes me to one of the huts, where a woman is sitting next to a neat pile of maxi-pad boxes and other random hygiene products. I buy some pads and quickly leave, because it's sunset and the walk to the hotel is at least another 10 minutes. BUT I'm relatively happy to have solved my problem with limited hassle.
As the receptionist and I are walking back and chit-chatting, I spot a group of cloaked figures coming in our direction. People are clearing the streets and are oddly turning their backs towards the figures wearing cloaks. At this point, the receptionist begins talking to a vendor and doesn't seem to notice the group of cloaked people. Well, I stupidly assume this odd group of people might be some sort of parade and keep casually walking towards them. One of the figures, a masked man dressed in white and carrying a long staff, spots me (I'm not really hard to miss at this point) and rushes towards me. He begins to furiously beat the staff on the ground in between us and the other cloak figures encircle me.
Of course, I am FREAKING out. These guys are obviously not happy with me. Thankfully, the receptionist discovers what's going on and comes to my rescue. She pulls me back and turns me so that my back is facing the masked man. She quietly explains that these men are the Fon's, i.e. the chieftain of the village, messengers and cannot be looked upon by anyone else except the Fon. Fucking great. Idiot me has just offended members of the highest authority in the village.
But it doesn't end there. The receptionist decides I should give the messengers some money in order to show respect. I frantically dig through my pockets and finally find some coins. Without thinking, I turn around to place them in angry masked man's hand. Bad idea. He swats my hand away and looks as if he's about to charge me. I'm dead, this is it. I have clearly offended these Fon messengers and probably everyone else in the village. The receptionist realizes that the ignorant white girl she is with might be in some actual danger, so she frantically grabs my hand and begins running away from the cloaked group. My heart is in my throat, my head is pounding, and I am running for my life. We finally make it back to the hotel and I hastily go find my parents.
After I tell my mother and father what happen, their faces go completely white. My mom explains to me that in the Fon's eyes, what I have done is punishable by death. To look at a Fon's messenger in the eyes, let alone try and hand him small coins, is completely disrespectful and a crime. Safe to say, we decided to leave immediately and head over to the next village for the night.
So the lesson is, don't EVER do like me and disrespect a Fon. The story is a good one for parties, but I wonder what would have happened if that receptionist hadn't pulled me away at the last minute...
**TL;DNR: Lady problems lead to angry masked men chasing you.**
tishstars: OP sorry if this is a rude question but don't you and your parents feel super unsafe traveling to these places? I imagine being a white ginger WOMAN draws a lot of attention. As a guy I always get scared for women like you traveling... People there might see something exotic and think to rape you or worse. Stay safe, in any case, and don't go back to that town, as they probably have a bounty on you lol
TalkBigShit: Yeah op dont you realize that Africans are savages who will rape literally everyone?
tishstars: Judging by that name I'm assuming you're one of those fatty sjw's who refuses to acknowledge any semblance of reality. Well done!
TalkBigShit: wow you're really smart and argue very well
tishstars: Fat
TalkBigShit: Clever
tishstars: I'm genuinely curious though, what part of what I said came off as xenophobic and/or racist to you? In third world nations is it not true, generally, that you're more likely to be a victim of a crime wherever you go? I imagine this is even worse for tourists of a different ethnicity than those of the region, like OP, who have a target on their backs by virtue of where they come from.
Azusa1362: You make it sound like everyone in Africa is a rapist, that's why.
tishstars: What part of what I have said gives you and the other sjw this impression? Or are you just another 18 year old reborn liberal pansy who doesn't have the balls to say the realistic aspects of ANY third world country (note this includes, but is not limited to, Africa)
DDYLK: Africa is not a country.
You also sound like a total fucking moron and asshole all over this thread.
Go away!
tishstars: States within Africa*
You're a dumbass liberal sjw with zero sense about the world. Maybe if your female relatives were raped when traveling to these places you might understand what I mean better.
DDYLK: What the fuck? Grow up and fuck off. Speak for yourself going forward.
tishstars: Coming from a puerile liberal those words mean nothing. Kind of sad that you has to switch between alts just because you messed up with your first one.
DDYLK: This is my one and only reddit account, my friend. You're paranoid.
tishstars: Sure thing fatboy sjw. You've used two alts in your vain efforts
| 16 | 19 | |
1412078445 | 1412107349 | t3_2hvrjl | t5_2to41 | 67 | BetterCallTheDoctor: TIFU by using the microwave drunk
Actually it was on friday night... once i get home after some beers i was hungry and wanted to do something, found an old pizza and put it on the microwave for 2 mins, went to the room to turn on the TV, sit down on the sofa and slept... after sometime i woke up realized that there was a really bad smell at the whole house... once i got to the kitchen the microwave was on 1:30 still decreasing, at this time you probably know what i did... put 20 minutes instead of 2, the pizza was a black thing and the microwave was all yellow instead of white, the smelling still in my kitchen after 5 days.
r42xer: At least you didn't microwave your own ~~still~~ stool sample
ericmoritz: link?
MerleCorgi: Its the current top story in the sub just sort by hot.
ericmoritz: Thanks. Found it; RES was blocking it because it is tagged. NSFW.
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1412077471 | 1412079881 | t3_2hvqhh | t5_2to41 | 5 | Erik_Sigrund: TIFU by trying to play baseball
Alright, imagine you're me. An awkward teen who's not that good looking. Done? Okay.
Like everyday, I'm eager to go to school. On the way to school, I said that this might be a great day. It was, till the clock hit 9:00. After (what felt very long) the first period is Physical Education. Being a person who'd spend most of my time gaming, I'm not good at sports. Just like all PE classes, it starts with a bit of a warm up. My coach starts explaining what we're gonna do. First some basic stuff like throwing, catching then we move to batting. Watching my friends/classmates do this, I said to myself "I can do this!" While waiting for my turn, I played catch with some of my friends. The usual game of catch went on like this, back and forth, repeatedly right? This is when/where I f*ck up. First few catches went well, then one of my classmates went up and said "my turn!" So he tossed it, not to me but to the guys beside me. Idiot me decided to man up and catch the ball. Yes, I caught the ball, but not with the glove. I caught the ball with my face.
(What happened after will take too long to explain so I'll try to make it as short as possible.)
Asking the guy beside me if there was a wound, he didn't reply. So I went up to my coach and asked "May I go to the clinic?" He asked why, and at that moment he saw that blood was slowly dripping from the wound. I went to the clinic and the nurse checked for anything broken. Nothing serious, just a small cut and a bit of swelling. To be sure, the nurse called up my parents to ask if they can take me to the local bospital. The nurse said to me "Come back after recess and get your off-campus pass." I went out and had a normal recess. I f*cked up again and forgot to get my pass. Third period passed normally, with occasional pains from my wound. Half way into fourth period the vice principal went to my classroom to call me "Umm, where is Erik?" "That's me sir." "Why did you go up without seeing the nurse?" "I forgot, sorry sir." He asked me to go down and wait for my parents in the clinic. My mom fetched me and brought me to the hospital to get an x-ray. That's where I spent the rest of the day.
TL;DR : I played catch and ended up getting hit on the face. Getting called by the vice principal and spending my day in the hospital.
buttsalt14: How bad was it? Was anything broken?
Erik_Sigrund: Nothing broken, all is good. The doctor suggested I don't go to school for a couple of days. Thanks for asking!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412080016 | 1412148404 | t3_2hvtdb | t5_2to41 | 38 | CosmicRave: TIFU by not looking at a girls butt.
So I like one of my coworkers and she's dropped a few hints that she might like me too before. Today she was cleaning the floors and asked me if her butt was showing when I passed by but instead of looking I made a stupid "whooaaa, sexual harassment" remark because I was tired and my brain is stupid.
and like halfway home I realized it was probably an obvious flirt attempt that I could have played on.
I think I'm doomed to be single forever.
[deleted]: In all honestly probably helped your game. She is going to see you as playing a little hard to get and not drooling all over her. Chicks eat that shit up.
XxDankxIronyxX: You know what else they "eat up?"
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1409677063 | 1409692215 | t3_2f9ub6 | t5_2to41 | 6 | chunklemcdunkle: TIFU for not checking my mail enough.
So I won a new 30, 000 dollar car from a local dealership in a sweepstakes, but the deadline for it has passed by two days.
God I feel like the least lucky person on earth. I can barely get by as it is, and I don't need this.
Rebootkid: First off, it's probably a scam to get you into the dealership. Assuming it was not, then you're likely better off anyways.
You'd still owe the taxes on that car. So, you'd have to come up with ~$3000 right quick. If you're just barely getting by right now, an extra $3k would kill you.
chunklemcdunkle: Well then.... I actually feel much better now. Thank you.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409678105 | 1409706900 | t3_2f9w6r | t5_2to41 | 165 | Cannibustible: TIFU by waving to someone with the same car...
I just fucked up. I drive a VW MK6 GLI, I don't see them too often so I always wave or give a thumbs up when I see another one driving by. Like when bikers wave to each other. It just means something along the lines of "We are similar, cheers"
I was on my way back to work from lunch and a new 30th edition GLI pulled up beside me at a red. I looked over smiled and waved. My windows were down, there's were up with heavy tint.
A middle aged woman (I'm 24) rolls down her window and she doesn't look too impressed. She asked me "Do I know you?" in a very obnoxious type of way.
I say "Nope, just admiring the nice ca...."
Cutting me off mid sentence she says "Are you some kind of creep!?"
I kind of shrugged it off, turned my music up and waited for the green. She honks at me as I pull out a bit more quickly to try to avoid getting stuck at another red with this one.
Fast forward about 30 mins
I'm at work in my gardens pulling weeds (no fucks given in the world) when my supervisor calls me saying that two cops were here looking for me......I'm basically dumbfounded by why the hell cops would be looking for me. Besides my screenname, I'm a law abiding citizen and I have pretty much forgotten about my little awkward wave incident.
I asked him if he knew what it was about, he said something about when you were on your lunch in your car. At that moment I was still pretty unsure wtf was going on. Though I had a lingering suspicion.
I got into the maintenance room to see the cops and soon my suspicions were realized. This mad woman accused me of sexually harassing her at a red light then sped off like a mad man almost running her of the road... She had then apparently made it her personally goal to follow me and fuck my day up.
I explained everything that happened and made it very clear that all I did was wave at somebody with the same car. I had no idea it was a women and I had no intentions of hitting on the occupant whatsoever. I told them that I didn't "speed off", I just wanted to avoid any further confrontation.
I'm now on a half day off at home to try to wrap my head around this and talk to my companies legal adviser. I haven't been officially charged with anything, so I don't know if I'm in the clear. It's my word against hers.
TL;DR Waved to someone in the same car as mine at a red, was a women, she was offended, got to work, cops showed up and might be getting charged with sexual harassment. Never be nice to anybody...
R15K: Welcome to the modern world, it's a damn shame what we've come to.
Nice car BTW.
JonWesHarding: haha, "Nice car, BTW". That's all he was looking to hear....
plasma1147: now he's gonna get raped in jail :(
Raveman76:
Join a prison gang for backup and lower your chances of getting targeted
Or keep to yourself and mind your own business.
In prisons/jails you are segregated with people of your race and similar offences to share a cell with. This works on keeping inmates safer and minimizing such crimes in lock up. Because the people of the same race/similar status can relate and defend eachother
Minding your own business is important too. And don't be a punk (someone who becomes a jail bitch for safety). They only get more abused and used for trades in debt; they become property
Also the crime you are locked up for has an influence on prisoners targeting people. If you're
. Incarcerated for a common non-homicide/non-sexual abuse crime you'll most likely be left alone as long as you don't be a bitch and or snitch. Snitches don't just get stitches; they are more likely to get killed
Also, solitary is achieved by getting punishment for causing trouble or fighting but inmates usually break down after extended solitary times
| 5 | 33 | |
1412080471 | 1424803025 | t3_2hvtxi | t5_2to41 | 224 | AhhBisto: TIFU by saying Napoleon invented the baguette because he wanted soldiers to shove bread down their trousers at a job interview
So i applied for a job last week at a supermarket in the UK called Morrisons, who are opening a new store in my town and are looking for over 200 members of staff for the store. Today i went to an interview and assessment at my local college (because the store is obviously not ready) and there were about 40 people there today.
We were split into groups of 10, each group would be doing an activity in front of executives and management to show what skills we had. The final activity is where i fucked up.
On the table were yellow cards, all face down, with pictures of products you would find in store on the other side. We had to pick a card, go to the front of the class and give a 1 minute talk about the product on the card. There was no prep time, no research or anything, you have to improvise. At the back of the class were 4 people, 2 of them were the managers for the new store and the other 2 were from the head office.
No-one wanted to go first so i volunteered. I picked my card and on it was a picture of fresh bread, including baguettes. I looked at the class of people and spoke about how amazing fresh bread was and how it gets made and then for the last 20 seconds i said:
> "The baguette was actually invented by Napoleon during the French civil war because he wanted his soldiers to have food in the battlefield so they would last longer. He instructed bakers to make long bread so each soldier could shove them down their trousers."
Everyone laughed and a few people even clapped. The people in charge though? They just stood stony faced writing notes, one of them was even shaking their head. Everyone else gave presentations without anecdotes they had heard on the Ricky Gervais Show podcasts via Karl Pilkington and some even got a "well done" from the people in charge, but not the bloke who said the French shove bread down their pants.
I find out tomorrow if i get a job, i don't think my chances are good.
Mythicshard: Please update us
AhhBisto: I will have an update tomorrow one way or the other!
myballstastenice: So did you get the job?
AhhBisto: That's a long story, but no, i did get through to the next stage however but in the end failed because i didn't have a certain qualification to work HR for them.
TIFU by being a shitty OP.
myballstastenice: No worries buddy, just wondering.
| 6 | 37.333333 | |
1412065329 | 1412084736 | t3_2hvfcz | t5_2to41 | 13 | LemunPledge: TIFU at a court hearing
This happened yesterday, and it has been plaguing my mind ever since. So what better way to get over it then with the help of the internet? Right?
So I am currently a year 11 student in Australia, and it is compulsory that I complete work experience. I chose to do mine with a lawyer, let's call him Ted.
On my first day, Ted takes me to a magistrates court (the lowest court in the Australian court hierarchy), in a town a couple of hours outside the city I live in, to watch as he uses his lawyer skills to get his client out of a pickle. When we arrive Ted asks me to go and sit in the court room, as he will need to brief his client. "No worries, Ted" I say.
The left hand side of the court room is empty, so I take a seat there. I notice that sitting in front of the magistrate (aka a judge), are two woman. Based on their looks only, one was about a 5/10, while the other was a solid 9/10. As a horny, sexless teenager, the rating system is something I conduct on all woman - so to those offended, I hope this will explain my rationale.
Anyway, so I am just sitting there, watching the meth-heads and the bogans (aka Australian Rednecks) get fines and jail terms, and then all of a sudden my eye catches the glare of the 9/10 chick. But it wasn't a glare. It was a smile. But it wasn't a smile. It was one of those "oops he caught me looking, better look down and continue smiling in a sheepish manner (teehee)" smiles. It was at this moment that my heart began to beat really fast, and it was as if someone had set me on fire. I begin to feel really awkward, in doing so I smile back and quickly divert my glance to the floor. No-one has ever wanted my D before. Ever.
Ted still hasn't arrived at this point, and I am all alone on my side of the courtroom. To make sure that I wasn't hallucinating, I look back up at her, and she is doing it again. This time, I look like a fucktard smiling back, diverting my eyes to the floor. Realising this, I look back up, only to instinctively look back down to the floor. I give up at this point, and just narrow my FOV to 15 degrees.
After about 10 minutes Ted walks back into the room, changes the date of the court appearance, and asks me to come and leave with him. So, I head for the door, and as you leave the courtroom you must bow. When I bowed, I decided to try my luck and smile one last time at this girl. So I do, however this time I caught the eye of the magistrate, and he just gave me this creepy smile back.
TL;DR I went to a court, a female actually liked me, I missed my opportunity with the female and ended up seducing a judge.
pewpew5010: Where in aus? Compulsory? I didnt have to do it :o
tinycraft: Depending on the state and it's education system, work experience is required...Although I got out of mine because I did other stuff earlier in the year. Sauce, Yr 11 in SA...
LemunPledge: "Victoria - the place to be fined"
tinycraft: Ahh, the Mexicans! (sorry, it's a South Australian thing)
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1409680412 | 1409681434 | t3_2fa0nl | t5_2to41 | 17 | DahManWitDahPlan: TIFU By sharing
This didn't happen today, it happened a few months ago.
So there i was, taking a Red Baron pizza out of the oven. It's delicious-ness was overwhelming. I take it out and admire it, it comes out almost perfect so I take the pizza cutter and begin slicing.
I prepare to start eating when a friend of my sisters walks in. Now she wasn't my favorite person in the world but she was alright... At least, at the time she was. She looked at me and said "Can I have a piece?" I process this through my mind and think. "One piece can't hurt..." I turn to her and tell her she can have a piece. She grabs a plate and goes to get a slice, but that's not what happens.
All time slows down as she takes TWO pieces instead of one. I yell at her as she runs out of the room laughing, leaving me there slightly annoyed.
Now whenever she comes over it will always be in the back of my mind that she took more than offered, and I will always be one slice emptier than before.
tl;dr Got conned out of my pizza.
BigBobsBootyBarn: You tell that bitch, you tell her if she *ever* does some shit like that again you'll kill her whole god damned family. Raging boner while saying this for added effect and bonus points.
DahManWitDahPlan: I will make a super note of that.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1409677808 | 1409688764 | t3_2f9vmy | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my phone
It was actually over the weekend. Sunday was spent at the beach where I was drinking my usual 6 pack, boogie boarding and relaxing under the umbrella. Later, the family and I left and made our way to my sister in law's house where the entire family was gathering for dinner. My wife drove while I slept in the passenger seat. We had a great dinner and I continued with my drinking by having a couple or 3 screwdrivers then we went home.
We arrived home late and I passed out in bed fully clothed. I must have woke a little later and stripped naked and went back to sleep bc about 5 in the morning I woke up looking for my phone. I grabbed my beach bag, clothes, my wife's work phone, bc wanted to call my phone, and walked into the living room to go through them to see where my phone was. I unpacked my bag and was holding a towel, the work phone and was sitting on the sofa with a morning boner when my wife walks out from the bedroom. She asked what I was doing and I just said, "looking for my phone." She shook her head and went back in the bedroom. I was confused. Anyway, I ended up finding my phone on the floor of my car later that am.
Later in the day my wife says, "listen, I know you have to take care of things in that area but seeing you naked with a phone and a towel was a little disappointing." I sat there, thought about how that looked to her and burst out laughing. When I explained it to her what I was doing we both had a good laugh.
BigBobsBootyBarn: "It's not what it looks like, I'm just using it as a towel rack I swear"
[deleted]: haha, standard husband joke. Done it. :)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410369576 | 1411324166 | t3_2fukqz | t5_2to41 | 7 | Sejb222: It doesn't seem to download anything, it comes up with an error saying "failed to open page". Just to be sure, I do press the link on my phone, right? Is there anyway to transfer the file from my computer toy phone?
treoni: I downloaded it via my computer. Then you can use online storage like dropbox or google drive. Or you can use a mini sd card.
Try copy pasting this in google: epsxe-for-android-1-9-5-bios-rar
And then click on the link from ulozto.net
If you want games [try this](http://www.emuparadise.me/Sony_Playstation_ISOs/List-All-Titles-By-Downloads-1/2)
Just download the ISO file of the game on its coresponding page. Then place it on your phone (or download it to your phone). Open the epsxe application, locate the bios (it'll ask for you to provide one in an explorer) and then locate a game on your phone. Tada! :D
Sejb222: Alright, I will try that as soon as I get to my computer. Please don't delete it until I've tried it. Thanks for your help :)
treoni: And? Does the ePSXe work?
Sejb222: Sorry, I completely forgot to reply. It seems that my phone cannot open the file which the emulator is contained in, so I don't think I can do it.
treoni: You can! It's a .rar or .zip file. You can open those with another (free!) application on Google Play. I use [ZArchiver](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=ru.zdevs.zarchiver&hl=nl). It works like 7Zip or WinRar.
Just extract somewhere on your phone and then you can install the .apk!
Sejb222: Hm, ok I try to find an app for Windows Phone.
| 7 | 1 | |
1409679858 | 1409698176 | t3_2f9zj8 | t5_2to41 | 77 | MegaNasty: TIFU by climbing a tree with my little brother.
So this happened a long time ago. I was 10 years old and my brother was 6. We lived in south Louisiana down on bayou lafourche in a really quiet area with huge oak trees and fields. Anyone who's seen south Louisiana knows what I'm talking about.
Now to the fuckery. My brother David and I have always been up to no good since he could walk. I'm the guilty older brother who always puts his younger bro in shitty situations which 9/10 resulted in one of us taking a trip to the hospital. I wouldn't be surprised if my dad made a TIFU about having 2 boys.
This one house we lived in at the time had an awesome backyard and this really beautiful and climbable magnolia tree with a nice flowerbed around the bottom, the tree topped off the same height as the second story roof.
David asks me if I'm any good at climbing and I'm all like **Bitch I invented climbing trees, fuck out my face and watch me** in true big brother fashion. so I make my way into this network of branches and It didn't take me long to figure out that I don't know a fucking thing about climbing a tree.
But It's a pretty awesome tree. GROOT would approve.
About half way up my brother starts making his way up and he slips a couple times but keeps on keeping on all the way to the top with me. At this point I'm pretty fucking proud of this little dude. He's managed to make it up there when my fat ass was having a hard time. Fuck yeah little bro, fuck yeah.
Well We both get up there and I'm realizing all of a sudden that this is probably not a good idea and that we should get down incase one of us fell.
As I'm making my way to the half way point David hasn't moved. He ended up getting scared because I went to fast and I guess he had a lot more confidence with me right next to him. I try my best to help him out and tell him which branch to step on.
And this ladies and gents. Is where shit went south.. Literally.
I'm giving him step by step guidance like mission control to the space shuttle on trouble shooting a sticky situation and our chances of mission failure have become imminent. Houston, we are *fucked*.
My hands were on a branch about the width of a broom stick, not big at all and he steps down on it...
In those moments of free fall I saw god. I saw angels and demons. I saw Jesus cringe as he watched us fall. We were **FUBAR** at this point. Nothing could save us. Nothing good would come of this but I bet
the landing must have been spectacular to watch. I almost imagine it like the scene from the Ang Lee 2003 Hulk when the hulk falls from the redwoods during the fight with the dogs.
To wrap this up neatly. David fell square with his ass right into my stomach and I shit my pants. I never told anyone.
**TLDR;** My very small brother and I climbed a tree. we fell out. I broke his fall. Shit my pants.
hank_moo_d: He butt-pressed shit out of your body like toothpaste.
Beautiful.
MegaNasty: That he did my friend.
hymen_burger: Did he push it back in though??
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1409679800 | 1409735149 | t3_2f9zf1 | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a piss
This takes place when I was about 10 years old, when my house was packed with extended family. There were 11 of us in total and 2 bathrooms. I lived upstairs and there was often a line to the bathroom. If it was occupied I would usually try the downstairs bathroom, but there was no stairwell inside the house - the stairs were outside at the back, which was an inconvenience, especially if there was bad weather.
One day my older brother took me aside and showed me a third option. It was so simple. Step 1: Go out on the back balcony. Step 2: Check to see if any neighbors were watching. Step 3: Unzip. Step 4: Piss down into the garden. "Mom will even thank you because you'll be fertilizing the vegetables," he said. My mind was blown.
A couple of months later, I come home with a bladder ready to burst. I waddle over to the bathroom only to discover it locked and the shower running. I've never had to pee so badly in my life and I know there isn't enough time to make it downstairs, and even if I can, it might be occupied. Initiate plan C. I rush out onto the balcony and hastily scan my field of vision for noisy neighbors. All clear. I run up to the railing, unzip, and whip it out.
The release. My god, the release. Aside from sex or drugs, I don't think there's a better feeling in the world than the relief from relieving a bladder filled to the breaking point. In that moment I thought of my brother, a god damn genius, and my personal savior.
My brother was always a clever one but he was never that great with details. He left out or failed to think of one vital step: LOOK DOWN TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYONE IN THE GARDEN.
About 5 seconds into glorious urinary bliss, I hear this muffled yelling from down below. The blood drains from my face as I reluctantly lower my gaze. My poor aunt had gone into the garden to pick some beans and was suddenly deluged in a yellow downpour. To this day I can still hear the screams. I try to stop but the resulting sharp stabbing pain forces me to continue. My dad hears the commotion and comes out to investigate. He's stunned to see me pissing off the balcony and my crying aunt desperately trying to hose herself off.
tl;dnr followed my brother's advice, gave my aunt a golden shower
hank_moo_d: Your aunt was always annoying to your dad. Always criticzing him, always putting him down.
And then it happened.
He just stood there, while you were bathing her with golden justice.
He was just: *"Thank you, my son... Thank you so much..."*
secularflesh: Actually my old school dad was going to whip me with a belt... Until he found out my brother taught me to do it. He got the belt instead. The only good thing to come out of that incident.
Soap2: ahhh the belt. Good times...Good times...
rjchau: Yeah, I remember when parents could belt their kids and it wasn't considered child abuse so long as it was genuine discipline.
Hell, I'm old enough to remember when a *teacher* could drag you out of the room by the ear and not get sued and fired.
| 5 | 15 | |
1409628718 | 1409732152 | t3_2f87di | t5_2to41 | 2 | yourmindsdecide: TIFU by lying in bed
Alright this happened yesterday, but whatever. I was lying in bed browsing Reddit at like 3am with my legs on the wall because it's freaking hot in the room and the walls are cold. Suddenly, the two magnetic pinboards fall off the wall right onto me. I'm baffled but nothing hurts. Alright.
The noise that these pinboards made had awoken my girlfriend who was sleeping next to me now. I'm calming her down and I hand her the boards to put them away. So she stands up, lays them on the ground and as she falls onto the bed again, she scratches open a blister on her foot. OUCH.
I'm trying to get some sleep now so I put out the light and bump into my girlfriend's head as I try to reach the lamp.
It was nothing severe but I still can't wrap my head around it. Just too much shit in a short amount of time.
Voyager5555: "TIFU" should not be confused with "today something completely normal happened"
yourmindsdecide: I'm sorry for the inconvenience, I just wanted to share the story.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409678975 | 1409725851 | t3_2f9xuu | t5_2to41 | 241 | Buttraper: TIFU - I named my new Cat
About two years ago I got a new Cat, and being the comedian I thought I was I named it Dog. No big deal, just gets a few odd looks when I call her for her dinner. Anyway, at the time my kids were 5+ years old and I didn't think about it any more than something silly.
Now I have a baby and she is learning to talk...
Im honestly not sure if she thinks its a cat or a dog.. I fucked up..
aykyle: Not really. It's a very easy correction. You just have to start off by getting a dog named "Cat". and then kidnap a few people and have them change the definitions around. nbd
steezyvape: I second the comment to get a dog named cat. I've always considered teaching my children some colors backwards, just to fuck with them.
wOlfLisK: [Reminds me of this](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quirky_Tails#No_Is_Yes)
steezyvape: Wow, so that ended poorly.
aykyle: You say it ended poorly, I say it ended well. Leaves you wondering if she actually knew what she was doing, considering she "shows signs of beginning to understand what her father has done".
Then again, I don't think a child is capable of allowing their parents to die. Unless they have done something more horrific(more so than this)
[deleted]: I'm sure plenty of children have killed good parents.
| 7 | 34.428571 | |
1409682840 | 1409780123 | t3_2fa5ch | t5_2to41 | 25 | Zultan009: TIFU by picking up a phone someone had dropped
As I was walking through campus, I passed a building that has multiple restaurants inside it. Right in front of the door, there was a iphone on the ground. It had been raining since I got to my first class, and this phone was covered in rain. This indicated that a few people had already ignored it. That's what I should have done, but instead I thought I'd be helpful and pick it up and return it to its owner.
I didn't trust the workers at these restaurants to deal with it, so I started heading toward our student union - a building in the center of campus - to turn the phone in to the lost and found. For whatever reason, I changed my mind and decided to wait for the owner to remote-lock the Iphone and send a message with a phone # to contact. I just trusted myself to get the phone back to the owner more than I trusted anyone else to get it back to him/her.
I went to our bookstore to return something, and noticed the phone had quite a few missed calls and texts. I didn't hear any of them or feel the phone vibrate (perhaps it was because I had been walking and didn't feel it), so I switched the option on the right side so that I would hear another call.
Fast forward about 5 mins. I'm on the way to my house, and hear this phone go off. I answer the call, but I can hardly hear the guy on the other side, even though the volume was all the way up. I said "hey I just found this phone" and the only thing I could hear, after having him repeat it multiple times, was "where are you". Just as I was about to respond, I see a university cop car and inside was a cop a civilian clothed passenger on his phone. Within a second, the car was parked and the cop was getting out.
At this point I'm a little baffled by the whole situation. How did they track the phone??? That was beside the point, because the whole situation turn super serious really quick. He said "give me the phone and your ID" and, "have you been arrested before?" Basically I spent the whole time explaining that I was just trying to do the right thing. He asked me so many questions about why I did or didn't do certain things. Then he checked my background, went to his car (twice) to talk to the passenger. I tried assuring him that I was trying to help out a fellow student, knowing all to well what it's like to lose a phone (I left mine at a department store once). I was so damn irritated by the end of the ordeal because it seemed so unnecessary.
After 10 really stressful minutes, he told me that I wouldn't be arrested (for possession of stolen property) just because I answered that last call. Then he said the owner didn't want to press charges and I could leave.
This all happened about 45 mins ago, and I feel like I got extremely lucky. What if I missed that last call? Sure, I wouldn't have been in that situation if I had followed procedures and turned it in, but I thought I could get it back to the owner quicker and he/she wouldn't have to go through the bureaucracy to get it. Moral of the story: don't help people.
robobreasts: Moral of the story: don't take property away from where you found it. Just turn it in!
My wife left her phone in a store, went back, a woman was leaving the store with it. She got it back. Woman claimed she was going to return it. Why not leave it at the store counter? Most people will return to the last place they remember having it... if you make off with it... it LOOKS like you're stealing it, even if you're not.
Don't fuck up even more by learning the wrong lesson. Helping people is fine, but try to do it competently.
"I saw a guy get hit by a car so I picked him up to help him off the road and now he's paralyzed. Moral: don't help people." NO. Moral is don't be an idiot in the WAY you help people. Your intentions matter but they don't excuse dumbass behavior.
jeremy_280: Just to play devils advocate here, so what if he took the god damned phone? Stealing from someone, and finding something is completely different. He could have taken the phone home and called a number in it(if not locked), so that he can more easily help that person out. One person below said smash the damn thing with your foot while walking, and if a person trying to do good is treated like an animal, by all means I have no problem with that sentiment.
robobreasts: >Stealing from someone, and finding something is completely different.
Robbery, burglary, and theft are all different, but doesn't mean any of them are okay.
Your personal property doesn't stop being yours because you aren't in the immediate vicinity. Why not steal a car? "I figure someone just left their car here..."
The law will say "would a reasonable person believe this was abandoned. i.e. ownerless property?" If no, then it is stealing to just take and keep it.
You're right that taking the property home (to try and find the owner) is NOT the same as stealing it, because it lacks the intent of trying to KEEP it for oneself.
So the OP did nothing illegal and nothing immoral!
The problem was it LOOKED illegal/immoral, and so was certainly grounds for arrest or further investigation. And that's what investigations and trials are for.
So OP did nothing wrong but acted unwisely.
jeremy_280: I agree for the most part, but cops should not act like someone committed the crime of the century because they picked up a cellphone.
robobreasts: True, true, but if a person says "Officer, that guy stole my phone!" it makes sense to check it out. A reasonable cop would use their own judgment to determine if the "I was going to return it" story seems true or not.
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1409682906 | 1409683426 | t3_2fa5gr | t5_2to41 | 7 | questionplz2: TIFU by making bodily noises whitest looking like an idiot for 4 hours with 3 cute girls
So i am in a group with 3 girls, all like 8or7/10. all very intelligent, and todays practical was just a q&a on some symmetry elements. we have 5 hours from start to finish to complete every prac! I see this and think easy, i can go in and wing it, right?
Wrong. So i go in and instantly im struggling with words i havent seen before. [MFW](https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTLzGLyvQujgo-bB7zuK9vh_3CIbdN0YDfQJCF1LwkL5NYsFo6_) i realized that this is based on advanced chemistry we have not been taught yet and hence it was expected we did the reading of the appendices.
[MFW](https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS4V2LFPonbsU5Hdoq8CgytLq6U6vrrB046TpVDGMWgeEBPRYIHAA) i just end up sitting there like a derp for 3 hours before deciding i am going home cause i have no fking idea. The whole time im slient, and my body is like trying to make me fart in a small closed room with no windows.
SO today i fucked up big time. I havent really ever been in the shoes of someone who doesnt understand/ cant deduce what is going on and get answers but today, i learnt how it feels to be hopeless.
not your exciting fuck up, but a major fuck up for me
Brandooooon: TIFU by making bodily noises **whitest** looking like an idiot. Makes 2 for today Buddy
questionplz2: autocorrect man, i turned it off halfway thorugh typing it on my phone cause fuck it
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409432869 | 1409688879 | t3_2f18ax | t5_2to41 | 6 | moremysterious: TIFU by making my neighbor think I am a pervert
So this happened a couple weeks ago, I was walking to my house and there is this cute girl (somewhere in her mid 20's) walking her dog, I'd seen her before and am pretty sure she is one of my neighbors. I casually smile a friendly "hello" type of smile and walk past her. As I am turning to go up the stairs and into my place I roll my ankle on the flat ground like an idiot and loudly say "fuck me!" (to myself for tripping on nothing, mind you) and walk into my place.
The second I get in the house I comprehend how bad what I said is especially when she was behind me when I said that, and now she knows where I live and probably thinks I am a perv.
EngineerThis21: First TIFU I have audibly laughed at because I could definitely see this happening to me. Haha, nice one dude.
moremysterious: Thanks man, glad someone got something out of it!
| 3 | 2 | |
1409683181 | 1409740589 | t3_2fa5zq | t5_2to41 | 2,054 | [deleted]: TIFU by going home with a girl my first time in Vegas
This was about 8 years ago.
It was my first trip to Las Vegas. I was there with a group of friends who I was in business with at the time. We were presenting at a trade show and none of us had any experience at trade shows or in Vegas. It was a fun, exciting, and scary trip from beginning to end.
We brought a 'booth' girl with us. She was a girl we knew, who had some industry and show experience that one of my business partners was also trying to engage in coitus with. The following story is the first night of the trip, the night before the show even began...
-----
We arrive at the airport in the early afternoon. It's August, in Las Vegas, so you can imagine how hot it is. We get our rental cars, go to the hotel, check in, etc. After settling in, it's time for dinner, and all that good stuff. We walk around the strip, go to the casinos, just being tourists in every sense of the word.
That night, we decide to go to Planet Hollywood as the first stop. We hang out at the bar when we meet these 2 girls. One of my friends, Fred, knows one of the girls from as she is from the same area we are from and has recently moved to Vegas. Me and Fred chat the girls up for a little bit until some weird stuff starts happening.
I know I'm an average looking guy, on my best day. Girls generally do not throw themselves at me, nor do I expect them to. As Fred is chatting up the girl he knows I am doing my duty as a good wingman and keeping her friend entertained and occupied. The girl I am talking to his unbelievably hot. I mean by any metric she was at least a 9. I tell her about what we're doing in Vegas and how we have a trade show the next day, blah blah blah. I ask her what she does and things start to change.
She explains to me, that she also works at trade shows, but they are more private and smaller. She works for a sex toy manufacturer as a beta tester and presentation model. Beta testing I get, but what is presentation modeling in this business mean? She goes on to tell me that she stands in their booth or on a stage, gets naked, and shows the audience of prospective buyers how the toys are used and their effectiveness.
Now, like any young 20 something, I was pretty much roped in. I began day dreaming of marrying her, our sexually liberal children, and our nudist colony neighbors. But, I digress.
So we continue talking, and she is just hammering back drinks. I remember counting 10 drinks before I stopped trying to keep track of what she was doing. As we talked, she got more and more touchy with me. More talking, more touching, to the point where she begins to tell me she wants go to home. Naturally, me being me and having no confidence at this point in my life, I tell her it was nice to meet her and that I'll walk her to the cab line. She looks kinda amused at me and tells me that I'm going home with her, as she turns around and starts walking towards the door. I obviously follow suit.
It should be noted that my friends were pretty scattered around at this point talking to various different girls and strangers they had met. I didn't think to tell anybody I was leaving, because frankly I couldn't really think clearly at this point. My brain had become a semen sponge, that was about to be wrung out.
We get in the cab, and she tells the cab driver her address, which happens to be in Henderson and is about a 15-20 minute ride from where we were at the time. As the cab is rolling down the strip, she pulls her dress up above her waste slides her panties to the side and directs me to look at her shaven vagina. It was a glorious looking vagina, probably the best looking one I have seen even to this day. She then takes me hand and begins to use it as a sexual toy and fuck herself with my index and middle finger. The cab driver, as all cab drivers do, was essentially driving while staring at us through the rear view mirror. I didn't care.
While this is going on, my phone is constantly ringing. I mean, like it literally didn't stop for 10 solid minutes. I finally pry my hand away from her to get to my phone, and see I have 30 or so missed calls from Fred. I call him back and he asks me where I am. I tell him I'm on the way home with the girl I was talking to. Dead silence. More silence. Fred, now extremely worried tells me to tell the cab driver to turn around immediately and bring me back. I tell him no. He tells me that if I go to her home I will at the minimum get shot, but more than likely killed. Silence again.
This girl lived with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend happened to be one of the biggest drug dealers in Las Vegas, specializing in cocaine. They had gotten into a huge fight earlier that day, and Fred's girl had brought her out with her to get her mind off of it and to have some fun. She lived with this drug dealer boyfriend, and was taking me to their home to rub it in his face. Fred explained that this drug dealer had just called his girl asking where she was and that if she brought a guy home again that he was at the door with his ak-47 and would "light him up".
I am stunned and scared. I tell Fred thank you and tell the cab driver to turn around. The cab driver takes us back to the hotel lobby area while I'm still extremely scared. The girl I am with is passed out with her head on my shoulder, dress above her waste, vagina clearly out. I move her so I can get to my wallet and, oh no, I have 10 dollars, nothing more. I didn't even have a credit/debit card yet at this point in my life, I literally had only 10 dollars, and the cab fare was 40 or so dollars. I explain what is going on to the driver, who is clearly pissed and begin frantically calling my friends.
Nobody is answering though, and I have no idea where anybody is. I go to walk towards the door of the casino to see if my friends are still in there, and the driver begins to threaten me by saying he'll call the police if I dip on the fare and leave this drunk girl in his cab. I stop and stand there. I begin chain smoking Newports.
15 minutes go by. The driver is getting more and more angry at me. The girl finally wakes up out of the backseat and asks me why we're not at her house, to which I say "I value my life more than I value your pussy". She looks at me a little confused, but not coherent enough to make sense of it. She stumbles out of the cab and props herself up against me in a sort of hug. Dress is still up, vagina still out.
Finally Fred calls me back. He asks where I am and I explain to him the situation. He tells me that the other guys are on the way to the hospital, but he'll come and pay the cab driver and for me to just wait there. I'm confused, but I wait.
Several minutes later, Fred comes walking up to the car with his girl and they are both covered in blood. I mean COVERED. His girl takes the drunk girl who is hanging on me and they walk to the cab line and leave without saying a word. Fred pays my cab driver and then looks at me and gives a deep sigh.
After I left, my friends all went to the Hard Rock to drink and party. The girl we had brought with us to work as our booth girl the next day, apparently got into a fight with a random girl at the club. The random girl took a heavy scotch glass and broke it over our booth girls eye. Fred explained to me that the amount of blood gushing out her was straight out of a movie. It looks like a fountain squirting from her face. So all my other friends went to the hospital with her, while Fred came to help me out.
Obviously the booth girl was unable to help us at the trade show, but I doubt it would have mattered much. We did our first trade show, we sucked, our product sucked comparison to our peers, we had no pitch, and we made 0 sales.
This was my first night in Vegas.
EDIT:
TL;DR for those who asked for one - I went to Vegas for work (it was my first time there and my first night of the trip), met a girl, she essentially almost got me killed by her cocaine dealer boyfriend, I escaped. The girl who was with us for work got her face busted open by a scotch glass at a club, there was a lot of blood.
CocoLeFleur: I thought the woman was simply going to turn out to be a prostitute.
dmt13: I wish
prowness: Yet you only had $10?
dmt13: I'm not following...
AbominableFrost: Prostitutes cost money?
relict84: Funny, they've never made ME pay.
SadisticTRex: Podrick?
ilikeeatingbrains: No, this is Spoogeboob
mrcoplo: you mean [sploogebob](http://images.tubelib.com/storage/thumbs/2172/414.jpeg)?
| 10 | 205.4 | |
1410965088 | 1411255921 | t3_2gnw53 | t5_2to41 | 6,295 | TheSuitsSaidNein: TIFU by daring my ex-gf from high school to make a two hour trip to come visit me
Just a quick background: I'm a young professional living near the campus of my Alma Mater, the University of Wisconsin. I am recently single and have been exploring what else is out there.
Last week, my ex-gf from high school started texting me, which turned into sexting. This was not just normal sexting, she wanted it all: choking, anal, throat fucking, slapping. Essentially, everything that I had never been part of before. On Saturday, after a long morning of celebrating the first home college gameday, I was at the bar and she started texting me again. In my drunken stupidity, I invited her to visit, which eventually turned into me daring her to come visit. She obliged and said she would leave in an hour.
I got home, took a quick nap, and woke up just in time for her to arrive. I decided it was best if we went out to drink so that I could forget my regrets of inviting her.
We got to the bar and met up with a bunch of my coworkers. After a few drinks she got loose lips and decided to tell everyone I work with the kind of kinky shit she is into. ALL OF IT. At one point, she proclaimed to everyone that she likes it "rapey" in the sack.
Needless to say I have been the talk of the office all week and have lost a lot of respect from my coworkers. Whispers have even made it to my superiors. I think it's time to start looking for a new job.
**Edit:** Since so many have asked... Yes, after the bar we went back and things got "rapey", as she so eloquently put it. I was not about to turn down the offer she put on the table... and the bed... and the couch, the floor, the kitchen table, the kitchen counter, the... Her ass... well you get the point.
PukeBucket_616: This is why I never hang out with co-workers, *that* was your real fuck up. Your life outside of work is none of their business.
I just hope you wore a condom.
username069: This. This times 10. Coworkers are not friends.
Edit: A little clarification, seeing as my inbox exploded. Yes, it absolutely depends on what industry you work in. I was a chef for 16 years, the brothers I worked with in the weeds were and still are my best friends. Now I work for big oil, my coworkers will stab me right in the back if it means they get a leg up on anything (something big like a promotion, or even something small like a single overtime shift). I miss the camaraderie, but not the paychecks. I have been turned bitter by the big oil atmosphere, hence the "This times 10". I really do see both sides here!
rubysparksyourfire: Unfortunately here, people don't seem to know the boundary between professional and personal relationships. You'll be labelled as stiff or standoffish.
Edit: my inbox has exploded too because of this. Haha. Working in Human Resources Department here. I sometimes call myself The Great Pretender because I deal with people who secretly loathes me everyday.
Voyager5555: It's not an either or situation, you can easily be social and go out with people without getting wasted and acting like a jackass.
AskingTransgender: But he didn't get wasted, the girl did.
[deleted]: He's still the guy who took his EX girlfriend to a bar frequented by his coworkers. If you don't know how someone in your personal life is going to act around coworker you don't take them to a place where coworkers are likely to be.
This guy made a series of poor decisions.
christmasfine: The guy didn't do anything wrong, the only thing the coworkers should be talking about is how OP's crazy ex-gf is crazy.
And there's nothing to talk about, they should be high-fiving him. Humans are sexual. I don't see the problem here at all.
It obviously isn't 'rapey' since she was hanging around him, if it was at all rapey she clearly wouldn't be going out with him.
[deleted]: Who you associate with reflects on you. Talking about your sex life in front of coworkers, especially subordinates is trashy as shit and makes him look trashy by reflection. No, his subordinates should not be "high fiving" him. You obviously have little idea yourself of what is appropriate conduct around coworkers, outside of work or not.
VexingRaven: Judging asshole detected! If you judge somebody's professional persona by their personal life, that's your fault. He should not have to actively avoid coworkers outside of work. If they can't understand that, it's not his fault.
At my company, we understand that personal life is personal. Do whatever weird shit you want, just don't do it on company time or property. And for the love of god, don't let your phone sync photos of it to the company dropbox.
[deleted]: So I'm guessing that when Mayor Rob Ford was consorting with drug dealers and smoking crack off the clock that didn't give you any pause for concern about how good a mayor he was?
christmasfine: Uh that's a huge fucking difference dude. OP did not do anything illegal...
And, really, Rob Ford doing crack doesn't really give me any concern for how good a mayor he is. What makes me concern how good of a mayor he is, is the trouble he has in keeping it under control and private like everyone else does.
Most politicians drink (you know, like most people, don't need a source on that...), and a great many abuse drugs (prescription and illegal). They keep it under control just fine.
I think most people would acknowledge that Rob Ford was an amazing politician and a hard worker, he just let his life go out of control.
[deleted]: You know what would worry me about OPs story?
> , is the trouble he has in keeping it under control and private like everyone else does.
So we are in agreement then. Both had a personal life with little or no control based on empirical evidence.
christmasfine: I'd hardly say OP's life is out of control.
[deleted]: I dunno, if I was one of the coworkers present at that little public display of crazy I'd have doubts.
christmasfine: Everyone has a crazy ex-gf, especially from high school. You're an idiot.
[deleted]: Yes. Everyone has a crazy ex-gf, especially from high school. Whom **they don't associate with and especially don't bring around to meet their coworkers or current friends because they are crazy**.
You see the difference?
christmasfine: So he brought her once to a bar. It's really not as big a deal as you make it out to be. Next time he goes out he just says "And that's why she's my ex, heuheuheu'
[deleted]: I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong. I get it. You don't see a problem with it, and if that works for you, great. I'm just pointing out that I've worked in a professional environment for more than 20 years and I've met a lot more people who would see it my way than yours. You can either take my experience under advisement or discard it. I truly don't care.
christmasfine: > I've met a lot more people who would see it my way than yours.
Sure, and most people are assholes. OP made a mistake, sure, he should've known that his coworkers suck, but if they were adults they should've been high-fiving or chuckling about it, not making judgement calls.
[deleted]: You sound like you're very young. You will find that the world doesn't work that way for the most part. Plus, as you get older you will find your perceptions of what is appropriate and "right" with how the world works changes. I know because I used to be a lot like you, and as I got more experience in the business world I understood why things are the way they are.
christmasfine: I didn't say I disagree that most people fucking suck and are judgmental assholes.
| 22 | 286.136364 | |
1412084278 | 1412247188 | t3_2hvz7z | t5_2to41 | 13 | OhItStingsSoBad: TIFU by treating a yeast infection. NSFW. NSFL.
So, I want to preface this with the fact that if you are a male, and this makes you uncomfortable, you should stop here instead of making comments about it. Anyway, like most women I have had the occasional yeast infection, as in maybe once a year. I usually do not buy over the counter treatments as I find they clear up fast enough on their own and I have never had one that was that bothersome.
For some reason, this time I felt like I should google (I KNOW, bad idea) what's best, leaving them alone or treating them. So of course I soon found myself with too many differing opinions. One said to let your body fight it, and just go to a doctor if it's been more than three days with no signs of clearing up. One site said leaving them untreated can lead to other more life threatening infections, but it was like weird blood infections so I think they might have been crazeballs. Another said to stick plain, unsweetened frozen yogurt up there over night. Yeah, that's a great idea, just let some dairy sit there for 8 hours.
So I got some generic store brand version of Monistat. It was fine for a while. But after a few hours it felt mildly stingy. And the package did say some side effects include a stinging or burning sensation. I should have taken that as a warning not to use it. The burning this morning was so bad, I wants to stay home. It's better now as I sit here and write this but next time I'll stick to my method of drinking cranberry juice and using mild soap.
sennzz: Should always go see a doc for that, that's the *yeast* you should do...
taserbeam: Is it really that common for all women to get them? Been with my girl over three years not one single event.
sennzz: i think you replied to the wrong comment but here's a reply anyway: it depends from woman to woman. some have it very often (multiple times/year), some never.
source: got sisters+wife+daughters
taserbeam: Shit. Sorry bro. Thanks for the answer though!
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1410746195 | 1410784801 | t3_2gf5mk | t5_2to41 | 14 | GoodGuyGuard: TIFU by walking the dog at work. [Nsfw]
Background I work a12 shift Saturday and a 16 hour shift on Sunday. I work alone and no one is supposed to step foot in our building without calling.
So today I was minding my own business reading R/onoff. seeing as I work so many hours on the weekend I decided to take the ol dog for a walk. Right as I'm about to fire off I here a beep and a click and the security door swings open... Next thing I know our newest employee is standing red faced at the door she apologized and ran to her car. I'm on damage control like that instant so I called her cell phone. She picked up and told me she isn't upset and knows she broke procedure by not calling before she showed up at the office on a weekend but she forgot her coat. She asks me if she can come back in 10 minutes when I'm done or if I'd like her to help me finish up. I respectfully decline the offer I'm management and can't be envolved with her.. Well turns out she really wanted to help me finish because she sent me a text three minutes later.. "Either I help or I report what I seen to HR. Fuck me! " I had no choice at this point so I invite her back in and give her a good 20 minute fucking she finishes by giving me a BJ and says she will see me next week... I'm on vacation next week... Guess who wants to go.
Short version: got caught jerking it at work stuck my dick in crazy to keep my job.
Edit married and have two kids.
throwthataweigh: This is like... the opposite of a problem. Fuck her brains out every chance you get.
GoodGuyGuard: I have a wife.
throwthataweigh: And yet, you feel the need to turn your crank at work? I'm just saying, something here isn't adding up.
GoodGuyGuard: Try working a 12 hr day and see how much sex you want during the 9hrs off before your 16hr day and see how much sex you want.
throwthataweigh: And what about on the days you're not working?
GoodGuyGuard: We have sex about three times a week easy.
I jerk it daily if she isn't around I'm a lot more pleasant if I don't feel like in gonna bust a nut.
IamA_KoalaBear: I get what your saying man.
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1412085658 | 1412123098 | t3_2hw1d9 | t5_2to41 | 206 | Ink_: TIFU by running over my neighbors dog... Right in front of the owners wife.
As I was driving into my apartments driveway, I felt a thud on the road. Thinking it was a stick or something, I kept pulling into the driveway. I get out of the car and the neighbor's wife is wailing in the street. I ran over their Chihuahua, Precious. This is only compounded by the fact that the owner inherited the dog from his dead mother. Also, the wife can't have kids so this dog was exceptionally loved. The dog is now in a shoe box on their front step.
Call_me_Kelly: Such a bizarre way to tell the story. Is she not also your neighbor and owner of the dog?
sulas: exactly my thoughts, thank you.
Call_me_Kelly: It's like she and the dog only exist(ed) as extensions of the male neighbor in op's mind. Seeing it typed out like that is so strange.
sulas: I think, as internet doctors, we can safely diagnose OP as a mysoginistic, psychopathic killer. I bet he ran over that lady's dog on purpose :( Hurting small animals...text book...
Call_me_Kelly: You are being far too lenient. As a Better Internet Doctor^TM I strongly suspect that OP is literally the devil.
OP's next tifu will probably read : tifu by referring to my neighbors wife as my neighbors wife. Le sigh.
sulas: Why is the said neighbor is the male, why is it not, my neighbor's husband? I think we should elaborate on this issue approximately a lot of posts more.
On a serious note, I stepped on a cat's paw once while backing up from the table - almost fainted :( Sorry for making light of your pain OP. Can't imagine how you ^^would feel. ^^if ^^you ^^weren't ^^a ^^psychopath.
ToSeePee_IPee: Because he wasn't there. Obviously, just the neighbor's dog & wife were around.
sulas: The wife is his neighbor as well, he could've just said "neighbor" instead of "neighbor's wife".
here, have a smiley face :)
| 9 | 22.888889 | |
1409684699 | 1409685361 | t3_2fa8pn | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting cola in a sports bottle
This happened maybe 12 years ago when I was about 11.
I'd woken up thirsty, and decided to sneak down to the fridge to grab a glass of pop. When I got down there, I remember that the day before, my mum had bought me and my brother some snazzy sports bottles. I decided to pour my cola into the bottle, and take that back upstairs instead.
The kitchen being dark, when I poured the cola into the bottle I didn't realise just how much it was fizzing up. I popped the lid on, and went to ninja back upstairs. BANG. The lid flew off the bottle, and suddenly me, the ceiling, walls and floor were all covered in cola.
The kitchen door opened, the light flicked on, and I saw my mum framed in the doorway, hands on hips, glaring. She didn't believe me when I swore blind I didn't shake the bottle.
I ended up having to spend the next hour cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom. I couldn't reach the ceiling of course, so she had to do that herself.
**TL;DR Accidentally made a cola timebomb**
redditor7461: Why was it fizzing? If you didn't shake it, it shouldn't be fizzing like that.
Megs2606: You know when you pour a freshly opened bottle of coke into a glass and you have to wait for the foam to subside otherwise it rises over the top? Yeah, I didn't do that.
I put the lid on, and the build up of gas from the fizzing drink made the lid pop off.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411416607 | 1412187276 | t3_2h5qf9 | t5_2to41 | 81 | sam-sung: TIFU by screaming "he's got Ebola!" at a hospital
I spent the weekend in jail, with a sore throat because I'm a super idiot.
I live in a developing Central American country (Third World Country if you prefer) and we are currently facing a Chikungunya outbreak (around 32,000 infected). Hospitals are at full capacity and with all this Ebola outbreak, and because our country is pretty much vulnerable to any disease known to mankind, we're just waiting for Ebola to attack.
Back to the story, I had a sore throat. I didn't go to a drug store to get antibiotics (You can get them here without a prescription) because of an article I read on /r/Health about people being stupid and auto-medicating instead of going to the doctor to get proper medication. I drove to the hospital to see a doctor, but since this Chikungunya outbreak the hospital was full. Since I didn't want to spend money (Free Universal Healthcare) I decided to wait for my turn to see a doctor.
I was getting bored, my phone was dead. My brain decided to be a jerk and thought of a "fun prank":
"If someone vomits, scream He's got Ebola! Think about it, it will be fun to see people run for few seconds and then realize it was a joke"
Stupid me thought that was a brilliant thing to do. So I spot this very sick guy, he's with his wife and also his 11 years old daughter. He looked like a zombie, so I thought that he might vomit... and he did...
30 seconds after he vomits I stood up and screamed "RUUUUUUUUUUN EVEERYBOOODY!!!!! HE'S GOT EBOLA!!! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN"
As soon as I finished, nurses start running. When the other people waiting to see a doctor (aroun 30) saw the nurses running, everybody ran, then I heard someone (a doctor?) speak through the speakers: "Everybody abandon the building, we have the first case of Ebola in the country" I see a bunch of doctors running, people screaming, breaking door glasses, I saw several people breaking into the hospital pharmacy, security guards running away, some cars being hijacked and people crying... oh wow so many people crying and bleeding...
As soon as I saw the total chaos I created I did what anyone would do:
Take the nope train to fuckthatville
I drove back home, cleared my mind by playing Pokemon Red Version.
The next day (last Friday) I was about to get going to my job, when suddenly someone knocks on my door. It was the police. I opened the door and told him "Morning officer, How may I help you?", he replied back "Can we go to the station and talk about a situation that happened yesterday at X hospital?" Freaking out I told them what situation they're talking about, that they got the wrong person and probably should go back fighting the gangs instead of bothering hard working citizens.
Big mistake. His face was red angry and said to me:
"We got you on tape pal. We tried to be nice with you, now put your hands behind your back, we're going to the station"
After confessing, they sent me to jail. Nope, there's no bail when you get captured here. The law requires to someone that gets capture to spend 3 days in jail, no matter what you do, you have to be there for three days. There I was, sick, sleeping in a room full of gangsters, which asked me very politely to donate my shoes, shirt and pants to them.
Yeah, don't do pranks in a hospital
DefinitelyRelephant: /r/thathappened
duckvimes_: Seriously, how the fuck do people believe this? Unless there's a news article, which there isn't, it's complete bullshit.
Fuck this subreddit and its blatantly fake stories, I should've unsubscribed long ago.
Edit: unsubscribed
TonytheGemmer: Hear that?
Hear it?
Well can you?
Its the sound of nobody giving a fuck.
duckvimes_: That's very nice to know, but I'm not really expecting anybody to care.
TonytheGemmer: Then why post it?
duckvimes_: Because I was agreeing with the person above. I'm so very sorry if you lost five seconds reading it.
TonytheGemmer: Still, why post it? It adds nothing to the point thats already been made.
duckvimes_: Because I felt like it?
Edit: I love all of the angry downvoters. Cry me some salty tears.
rubbishdude: Who cares about his comment, nothing wrong with it, I see a lot of different kinds of comments and not all of them have to be insightful. Actually I was thinking the same thing
| 10 | 8.1 | |
1409685638 | 1409714764 | t3_2faag5 | t5_2to41 | 7 | FuckingDumbAss14: TIFU by having a shared iTunes account.
Well this all happened about 3 hours ago. I thought it would be a good idea to use my brothers iTunes account on my old iPod touch. It has only 8 gig of memory but on my bros account he has iTunes match with all his music on the cloud. So being able to extend my library from 700 songs to around 7000 sounded great.
My fuck up came from not unticking any of the sync boxes. So all my music , calender dates, apps and photos would now appear on any device that my new account was signed in too. Being that it was my brothers all those things would now be stored on the cloud on his phone. Im sure you have a rough idea where this is going...
I had some pics stored on the iPod that I would ideally not like anyone but my self and a few online friends to see. Those pics where mainly of my cock and also a few of my ass. Amazingly that's only about 25% of the fuck up. The rest of the fuck up comes from the rest of the pictures that where there. Those pics where of other guys my age cocks and or asses. Being that my family thinks im straight , those are the hardest to explain.
When I said "this all happened about 3 hours ago" , I mean this is when my brother confronted me. I started using his account yesterday, so it took him about a day to see the pictures. When he seen the pics he basically said I was a fucking fag and he has left the house. He has not told my mum or dad yet I dont think as they are acting normal. But I dont really know what to do , my family are from gay friendly.
I will update later.
tweedsweed: TIFU by being gay.
TomFoolCape: This actually would have been a funnier and more concise (imo) title. It is just so suggestive and broad but still gives you a good idea of whats going on. Stop down voting him you overly sensitive people. Unless this is actually what he means but he was most likely joking.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409692999 | 1409876351 | t3_2fa9d1 | t5_2to41 | 228 | GoneWheeling: I was thinking the same combined with the ants from the fudge eater
onceuponarachel: Oh, dear GOD.
I hadn't read that post yet til just now, and... I feel a panic attack coming.
I am DEATHLY afraid of ants, ever since that one time I tried to grab some delicious makeshift tinder (Doritos) and my hand was COVERED in black fire ants... At least I didn't EAT IT. FFFFFF
On a scale of 1 to even, I fucking can't.
Eddie0309: > On a scale of 1 to even, I fucking can't.
*I love you*
PixelOrange: Took me a second, but I got it. That's some witty god damn stuff right there.
catvllvs: I hate being so dense I don't get things :[
PixelOrange: [I can't even](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/i-cant-even) is an internet meme that expresses a state of spechlessness.
On a scale of one to ***even***, /u/onceuponarachel can't. She can't even.
Get it now?
This post brought to you by the [lucky 10,000](http://xkcd.com/1053/). Just because I got it doesn't mean you have seen that particular meme before. So, congratulations on being today's lucky 10,000.
Vycid: > On a scale of one to **even,** /u/onceuponarachel[2] can't. She can't even.
Oh. I guess I did get it.
PixelOrange: Wait, you aren't /u/catvllvs!
catvllvs: But I am!
Thanks for the explanation.
I'm surprised I've not seen the meme, or heard of it before :\
lacrimaeveneris: I love your username so hard. SO HARD.
catvllvs: I'm guessing you're not familiar with the poet are you?
lacrimaeveneris: Nope not at all. ;)
catvllvs: Ah... the "so hard" comment then is even more extraordinarily obtuse!
lacrimaeveneris: Indubitably.
Besides, I had a tendency to set our esteemed poet aside for more popular works, such as Winnie Ille Pu (as an aside, did you know there's a translation of Harry Potter? And "Voldemort" is way less intimidating sounding when pronounced "Woldemort"?).
catvllvs: > Winnie Ille Pu
:] Must admit - I've not heard of that.
Give Ctvllvs a try... so long as you're not easily offended ;]
lacrimaeveneris: In all seriousness though, I read a fair amount of Catullus in school, and greatly enjoyed his poems, even the dirty once. I was always fond of Horace's snarky humor, though.
| 16 | 14.25 | |
1409686146 | 1409788940 | t3_2fabcx | t5_2to41 | 8 | bholeexplorer: TIFU by getting trashed off of wine on vacation and trying to sneak into the back door
alright, so this wasn't today but a few weeks ago. still makes me cringe thinking about it. throwaway for the obvious reasons...
I was on vacation with my girlfriend and her family in this gigantic mansion on a beach for a week. This is our first summer together and our first summer being 21 years old, so safe to say we were getting FUCKED up. Gf's family are big drinkers when they do drink, so we had a lifetime supply of booze. Gf's sisters boyfriend and myself proceed to a bottle of Makers Mark on the beach throughout the whole day. I'm trashed and feeling all great and stuff.
We go back to the house for dinner, and with dinner and after, I managed to drink a bottle of red wine to myself. I'm not an experienced drinker (more of a pothead) so I was shitfaced. Time for bed.
*a little side note. me and the girlfriend fuck like rabbits. when we drink, we cannot keep our hands to ourselves*
So I crawl into bed with my lady and proceed to initiate a little sexy time. I'm giving her a back rub and kissing her neck and ears and telling her how bad I wanna "do stuff" to her. She claims she's tired, but I'm drunk and rock hard! No blood in this noggin! So I persisted and she gave up and let me have my way. I'm completely shitfaced at this point so it gets a little blurry.
So we're gettin it on, and I pull myself out and start giving her oral from behind and she's loving every minute of it. Somehow, my tongue crawled to her butthole, and she was starting to like it. Now, I have a low key anal fetish, that she knows about to a degree, but she's totally not cool with anal and flips out any time I try. Sober me understands this and respects this, but drunk me doesn't give a fuck.
I slide a finger in. She YELPS. Almost loud enough to wake her parents up sleeping 2 floors above us. She starts yelling at me and I'm just looking down at my feet in disgust with myself...I love this woman so much and wouldn't do anything to hurt her. Got caught up in the moment. I explain that to her but she doesn't care. She's still going off and my eyelids are getting heavy. I fell asleep mid-fight, drunk off my ass. Get woken up to a punch in the ribs and it's my crying girlfriend telling me to get out.
I slept on the couch that night.
tl;dr: got drunk with gf's family. has an anal fetish and stuck a finger in my girlfriend's butthole. ended up in the doghouse
trp_rpaulson: no means yes and yes means yes.
chiveon4: No means yes, and yes means anal.
trp_rpaulson: http://www.mematic.com/_/gifs/applause/applause-gif-tumblr-47_original.gif
| 4 | 2 | |
1412086933 | 1412091205 | t3_2hw3jz | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally peeing in the sink on my first day at work.
I just got a job at a factory and they have large industrial sinks that look like [this](http://www.qcmf.com/gallery/cache/stainless-steel/commercial-sink_595.jpg). I mistook it for a urinal and peed in it while coworkers came in and out of the room. I am never going to live this down.
g0ldbar: Looks a lot like a urinal to me... Oh well... Maybe they will put up a sign stating "NOT A URINAL" or "SINK" to stop future accidents.
Dang_Yankee: Yeah, apparently im not the first person to do this so i don't feel too bad about it.
g0ldbar: No big deal then
| 4 | 1 | |
1412039468 | 1412108934 | t3_2hug7o | t5_2to41 | 17 | otusasio451: TIFU by trying to get warm
Quick note: This is not funny. It has a happy ending, but it certainly isn't funny. It's simply something I wanted to get off my family's collective chest.
This is actually my family's mistake. I was 11 at the time. It's a story that my family is ashamed of to this day, and we haven't told anyone about it. But, it's something I need to get off of my chest (anonymously, obviously).
I was 11 years old, and we were living in New England. It's wintertime, and our house is in the middle of the woods. That said, the heating was not good, and our house was prone to power outages. And one night, the power went out, in the middle of winter, in a house with no insulation and no method of heating. Cold and hungry, my parents had the idea of finding a way of heating up the house, AND getting us some food. So we brought in the barbeque grill...
And some of you may see where this is going.
We had some delicious grilled porkchops, and everything was nice and warm. Wanting thing to stay warm, we also left the windows closed.
Again, some of you may see where this is going.
It should also be noted that this was at night, and it was dark and warm. It was at this point where we all started to feel sleepy. But I've always been prone to thirst. This time was no different. I went to get somehing to drink. It's at this point that I almost fell over. My father caught me, and my parents thought I was joking. Then they started to feel it. We rushed out of the house into the fresh air, and we all made it out, with no lasting damage.
And, again, my parents are the greatest people I know, and are certainly not stupid. But, desperate times...
TL;DR My family almost killed ourselves from carbon monoxide poisoning, out of desperation for warmth and food.
IBCircuits: Holy shit. Well, at least you all made it out, or it could of been a far worse fuck-up.
otusasio451: Right? Seriously, it's a miracle I'm typing this right now.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1412087657 | 1412114371 | t3_2hw4ti | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: Tifu by having sex on my (now ex's) bosses bed.
Ok...like most posts here this happened a couple of years back.
My ex used to work at a pub/motel and lived in the managers appartment to do the 24 hour check in. He also shared it with his boss who sometimes worked at a different venue and would often stay away, so most times when I stayed with my ex his boss wasn't there.
My ex HATED his boss..... (he really was a very rude and lazy person).
Well this one particular night we were kissing and touching etc etc when the ex gets the bright idea to have sex on his boss's bed, "ill get a kick out of knowing whay we did" (super childish i know) After a few beers and being aroused enough to go at it on a bed of nails if need be I agreed. As we kiss our way to his anally clean room we decide on the best position.....from behind.
This is where the I wish we'd just fucked in his bed and gone to sleep.
While im on all fours, him positioned behind going at me like a mad man I thought I heard someone at the door with keys.....not wanting to get caught having sex on his bed, I panicked a little thinking the boss had returned early......my slight little movement to the right combined with my ex's below average size caused him to pop out, but before realising what happened tried to thrust in again......big mistake.
Instead of the bullseye he missed the target completely!! I felt a sharp sting and instantly sat up, moving off the bed just in time to see blood running down my legs. He had ripped open the soft tissue surrounding my vagina leaving me not only in absolute agony but unable to have sex for almost two weeks!!
I was only laughing about this today but the memory of it still makes my lady parts ache.
Danotto94: Wait, he ripped the tissue with his male part?
KirriLidian: Unfortunately that was the case.
lord_sherlock_holmes: >combined with my ex's below average size caused him to pop out
Guess you should call him Needle Dick
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1409686549 | 1409697433 | t3_2fac30 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By putting a firework in my friends mailbox
A few days ago me and some friends thought it would be a good idea to put a firework in another friends mailbox. Long story short they found out it was us and we probably arent friends anymore.
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: you didn't fuck up... you're just an asshole.
Evil_Cushion: I fucked up because I said OK it was not my idea
Edit:and yes I am
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: jesus christ.
take responsibility for your actions instead of denying them and trying to pass blame. I never said it was your idea, and you idiots aren't the first idiots to try this either, just the most recent people dumb enough to do it *again*.
take responsibility for that.
toastthebread: I feel you came out of the womb a full grown man who never made mistakes as a kid. Must be nice.
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: I absolutely did, and I owned up to them, I didn't say but it was jimmy's idea.
the accessory during or after the fact doesn't absolve you of guilt.
I never blamed him for coming up with the idea, and he instantly tried to pass the correctly placed blame for his actions off as misplaced blame for initiating the event.
thats a clear sign he doesn't think he did anything wrong, he just thinks he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but his actions were wrong, and acting like they weren't is offensive to his "friend" whose mailbox he blew up.
toastthebread: Fair enough I actually didn't read his comment.
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: I mean, why jump to a conclusion then?
just seems illogical. you wouldn't go to war without your weapon, why try to butt in without knowing what is going on?
toastthebread: More because you called him an asshole for doing things that kids do.
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: blowing up other people's property is something assholes do, has nothing to do with age.
yeah kids play with firecrackers and do dumb things, i've done my fair share, but I never bombed anyone else's stuff... do you see how writing it off as kids being kids ignores the problem?
I'm not saying don't be a kid and do dumb things, but don't act like you did nothing wrong by blowing up your "friends" mailbox, you were being an asshole, people who act like assholes are assholes,
he doesn't have to be an asshole because I pointed out he was one, but maybe pointing it out will help him realize that he is an asshole and should work on not being one.
toastthebread: Sometimes kids do shitty things. All I'm gona say is hopefully he learned from it.
| 11 | 0.727273 | |
1412089165 | 1412187455 | t3_2hw7h2 | t5_2to41 | 6,725 | Accidents_happen_: TIFU by getting my lesbian co-worker pregnant....
Throwaway for obvious reasons,
--------------------------------------------------
At the company I work, there is a woman, we'll call her Sara, Sara has been in a monogamous lesbian relationship for many years with her partner, they moved here about a year ago and are currently planning thier wedding.
I am already married, for 10+ years, 3 beautiful children, the house, the car, the whole 9 yards.
Sara and I have taken to eating lunch together, sometimes going out to local resturants, sometimes not, but either way, we've become very friendly, and have on occassion, had a few adult beverages with our meals.
over the course of one of these lunches, she revealed to me that she had never been with a man before, and gets very turned one while servicing her partner while she's wearing a toy. At this point, the small brain kicks in and I make the half joking offer of being her first, she blushes and that is the end of it right?
a week later, she asked me if I was serious, now let me state here that I do love my wife, and my family, but after 3 kids, sex is kind of an after thought, and when your 40, you figure you'd be done jerking off right? NOPE! I tell her yes, I would be honored.
This sets off the chain of events that leads us to her house for "lunch" a week later, and truthfully, she's not bad, she didn't mind the taste and she swallowed because in her words "If I'm going to do this, I'm doing it right"
After this, nothing, amazingly it looked like it would really be a one time thing, however the flirting, the texting, naughty emails started happening, and there was this air of lust that would come over us when we were together, and we started to "Play" every week, at her place, anything she wanted to try, I was game for, she enjoyed anal having done it with her partner, she enjoyed my beard between her legs, she said it enhancend things for her in a way should wouldn't have expected.
after a few months of this, she says to me that she's on birth control, and she wants to feel cum inside her, and like a fool, I ablige her, continually
2 weeks ago she texts me saying "Look, I'm pregnant, I'm an adult and I'll take care of this"
just wow, I mean, I know it's my fault too, but she's not just gay, but gay all the way (on the ouside) and she's got really bad morning sickness too, not just a little, but in the hospital with dehydration, sickness, and all the while, she's not telling her partner whats wrong, and I can't comfort her in anyway because no one knows she's knocked up but her and I.
Gah fuck me... I'm doomed and it's all my fault!
*edit* - yes, I knew it was wrong, and I didn't care, I take full responsiblity for my actions, I'm still in shock about it.
I already know I'm scum, but thanks for making sure I know
and I'm sorry, but yes she is/was/ a lesbian, she was also very attractive, and I admit my mistakes, not sure if I'll tell my wife, as many have pointed out, she'll find out eventually
No, I've never cheated before, we've been married 13 years so far, it never even became an issue before this.
She was on birth control for period issues, apparently she changed BC due to issues with one and that's when it happened.
Not sure what her plans are, we haven't really talked since the I'm an adult comment, but I know her partner is very much anti men.
And yes, for those of you calling me out on it, It's true, I wish it was bullshit, but it's not, and I'm not sure what to do right now, I'm waiting to hear from her about what she wants to do, I mean, I'll obviously push for Abortion and am willing to cover 50% of the cost.
And finally, I do love my wife, very much, we've been together almost 20 years, married for 13, our kids are 12, 8 and 5. This was not about love, this was about sex, purely, We have been seeing a marraige counselor for over 2 years about our sexual dysfunction, I'm overtly sexual, she could live without it, it's been a bone of contention for years, and I was weak, I admit that.
Edit 2: TIL: Marriage is super serious to a lot of people on Reddit.
Edit 3: When she told me, I offered to pay 100% of the abortion, she replied that she carries part of the mistake and wouldn't let me do that, So I said at least let me pay half, which is where the I'd pay for half came from.
*UPDATE**
Upon arriving to work this morning, I noticed that "Sara" was not in, seeing as though we do not work in the same department, I didn't snoop around too much. At about 10 am, I recieved a text message from her, she's at the airport currently waiting to board a flight back to Florida, Sorry to dissapoint, but she did not tell her partner, she instead had decided to go visit family for a week and while in FL, get an abortion.
Work was informed that there was a family emergency and she needed to take time off to travel and it was granted. We've both decided that this is the end of our relationship. She has again refused my offer to pay even for part of the procedure, and will not be telling her partner what happened.
I've decided not to tell my wife either, feel free to continue the hate, I know I fucked up here, I was ready to deal with the consequences, now the consequence is my own guilt. Will I tell my wife what happened? I don't know, maybe someday but no time soon. I have no desire to be a cheater, I accept that I betrayed her, and I will work to make good on the promise I made 13 years ago.
for those of you who had supportive comments, I say thank you,
for those of you who had negative comments, I say thank you as well,
for those of you who thought this was a lie, or otherwise trolling for Karma or otherwise, sorry guys, it's all true unfortunatly.
As for my spelling, and people saying I sound like I'm 14, That's fine, I can't spell, usually autocorrect works in my favor, however Private Browsing on firefox and the autocorrect doesn't seem to work, and I can't be assed to figure it out.
As for the people asking what I do, the answer to that is pure irony.
I work in IT, at a biomedical company, that specialises in in vitro fertilization, no joke.
**** UPDATE again*****
It's done, Sara has returned, her partner none the wiser, my wife none the wiser, we are both accepting of our mistake and while it would not be prudent for me to speak for her, I know it's not a mistakes I will make again.
jonb622: Edit to OP: Married with **4** beautiful children.
NerdyJerzyGirl: Let's not forget he loves his wife!
NeoMegamanX: Cause if a married man is not allowed to have sex every week with a totally super lesbian friend, then what does love really mean?
NerdyJerzyGirl: Than again, whats love got to do with it?
GeeGeeGeek: What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
NerdyJerzyGirl: MARRY ME!
BUT, I vow not to have an affair with a "lesbian" and get her pregnant.
GeeGeeGeek: Sorry to disappoint you but if we got married you'd have to be a lesbian XD or bisexual lol
NerdyJerzyGirl: Haha I am bi lolz ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
GeeGeeGeek: And missing an arm? =p
NerdyJerzyGirl: No limbs missing!
GeeGeeGeek: Referring to your little dude =]
NerdyJerzyGirl: AAHH!!! I keep BIG man in the panty drawer where he belongs ;D
GeeGeeGeek: Haha! My big man visits every weekend, but in between my little bunny is on my wall unit next to my bed, within easy reach ;)
NerdyJerzyGirl: Who knew a post about fucking a lesbian would actually bring lesbians together ;)
GeeGeeGeek: Lol! Actually Im straight =p
NerdyJerzyGirl: *le sigh*
GeeGeeGeek: Sorry XD
| 18 | 373.611111 | |
1411786509 | 1411788931 | t3_2hl4ea | t5_2to41 | 11 | neonpicklelover: TIFU by having sex with my brother home.
alright, so my mother is out of the country and my father works. which means I have the house to myself when I get back from school but my 13 year old brother is there too. So me and my bf decided that my bf should come over and we can do things and so he does come over and we start making out and all (we were in my room) and then I got up to lock my door cause brother is home. And then I locked my door. and then me and the bf start and we have been going for a good few mins and then all of a sudden my brother is calling my name and walking in my room and I scream "don't come in!!!" but he doesn't listen and continues to walk in and all he sees is his sister is riding this guy. The look on my brothers face is terrifying and disgusted my brother closes the door and screams never talk to me again. Okay the scary part is my parents are hard core strict Muslims, but I am not I am an atheist so I do what I want. Now, I am really scared that brother will say shit and I will die. So I fucked up real bad today.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: what country are you in
Luarriere: Very good question. I hope she's living in the west.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: yeah, or else she could be fucked.
Luarriere: Well now that I think of it, some pretty crazy things have happened here too..
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: yeah that is true, but in the west people are more caring right?
Luarriere: Well generally I like to think that they're more understanding here, but where I live most of the Muslim community has immigrated here. And with that, they brought the cultural norms of their old societies too.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: good point. I hope OP updates.
Luarriere: As do I. I wish her the best too!
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1412088890 | 1412091193 | t3_2hw6zk | t5_2to41 | 3 | chilliboy15: TIFU by getting chill sauce around my balls
At break time I had chicken shwarma and put chilli sauce on it without realizing I got some on my hand and then went to itch my private area.Then it got bad.In the next lesson English,my privates got really irritated ,so when I thought no-one was looking I went to itch pretty hard because it felt BAD,then after the lesson the guy who sits across from me asks if I was wanking.Long story short people now think I wank in class and even worse my balls still itch horribly
TL;DR got chill sauce around private region in school needed to itch in class,got spotted,people now think I wanked in class
dayafterstudios: Where did you get said Chicken Shawarma?
chilliboy15: School canteen
| 3 | 1 | |
1409686536 | 1409734224 | t3_2fac2d | t5_2to41 | 5 | Gabe6678: TIFU by masturbating on the toilet
Yesterday my Mom left the house and my dad was busy with work. I had sometime to myself, so I went to town. Near the end of my session, I heard a car roll into the driveway. I ran into the bathroom to finish in peace. Little did I know that some drops of semen landed on my shirt. I grabbed a white foam cleaner and took it in to my room to clean the stains. When I was applying the cleaner, it sprayed all over my desk. I leaned over and rubbed the stains with a tissue, and all of a sudden my mom walks in, watching her son bent over with his hand moving back and forth, white cleaner on the desk. She screamed at me and told me what I was doing was a sin, and I showed her what I was doing. Things are very awkward between us now.
Drekken-: [Kevin?](http://imgur.com/gallery/l7COB3V)
ChrisPkMn: It's gabe... Kevin posted that some time ago.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409690489 | 1409729466 | t3_2fajkd | t5_2to41 | 20 | thermodynamics2: TIFU by wearing white pants after Labor Day
Getting this down quickly as this just happened. I'm currently holed up in the single stall men's room at the office after taking a chance on a fart and losing badly. I'm supposed to be training a new crew of folks, but right now I'm planning an escape through the ceiling.
I have no jacket, and a good walk back to my cubicle or car. My current idea of caking on a deodorant stick to the brown spot on the seat of my pants is stupid, but I have no idea what else to do.
Fuck.
Kasianic: It's been 3 hours...are you still in the bathroom?
thermodynamics2: At home now using a combination of stain removers to try and save my pants!
FriendlyAvocado: So how did you escape?
thermodynamics2: After a bunch of terrible plans ran through my head, I managed to wedgie myself to mostly hide the tell-tale brown splotch up my crack. Walked as casually as possible out to my car to get a sweater to wrap around my waist.
tommydoesreddit: because sweater around this waist doesn't at all draw even more suspicion...
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1409691235 | 1409692439 | t3_2fakxk | t5_2to41 | 12 | Jizzonmyhand: TIFU by jerking it to the leaked celebrity photos.
So a day or two ago i found out about the leaked pictures and decided to take a look. They were pretty good so i decided to to jerk off to them. Multiple times. Since i was lazy i just jizzed in a empty water bottle and put the cap on. I did this maybe 3 or 4 times so there was a pretty could amount in there. After a while it turns clear and runny. (i didn't drink it) Then i decide to jerk once again last night and right when i climax i grab the water bottle and quickly put my dick tip at the top so i can safely jizz in the bottle. Well since it's the jizz in the water bottle is runny it slides right out like water all over my hand and dick.
ACURA_NSX: ELI5 OP. Are you saying you flooded the EMPTY water with your jizz ? from coming ONLY 5 times??
Jizzonmyhand: No, that's a lot of jizz. It was maybe half an inch full. Enough to get my hand and dick wet.
ACURA_NSX: Still confused as shit. You poured in on yourself or something?
Swarlsonegger: OP thought he was a smart cookie by minimizing the mess he creates by putting the tip of his penis (presumably pointing more than 45° Up) in the bottleneck (as far as it gets). Little he knew he should have paid more attention to the laws of Fluid dynamics or gravity in general.
Jizzonmyhand: This is exactly what happened.
| 6 | 2 | |
1412090680 | 1412093495 | t3_2hwa9d | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by rubbing a magnet under my laptop
I broke the HDD by doing this and now I can't boot up my computer... At least it was a 5 year old laptop and I was planning to replace it this year, but I have lost all my porn :(
PM_me_your_evilgrin: Was it some sort of magnet-rubbing fetish porn? Just trying to figure out the logic or lack thereof behind your action...
edthomson92: He likes to live dangerously
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409691265 | 1409799506 | t3_2fakzj | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by possibly burning both sets of balls on my body
My brother and I decided to go out for breakfast, then planned on going on a hike because it was the perfect day, blue sky, the perfect temperature not too hot not too cold. We hiked through some pine trees and up along a ridge, at this point we came along a cluster of buildings and a radio tower. At this point in time I considered myself to have not so common 'common-sense' however, I digress. For some reason I had the inclination of climbing to nearly the top of this tower just well... because. Now after researching what RF exposure can do to the body, i'm a bit paranoid... my eyes feel funny and especially since they are blood shot and feel slightly strange (hoping it's allergies not lasting retina damage from climbing a big microwave stick) Apparently the first things affected by RF exposure is well if you have them... testicles and eyes.
So perhaps my update to come will be that of my balls falling off, me going blind and having children with 3 arms
Here is the Tower:
http://s22.postimg.org/dtfwwk0s1/0901141610_2.jpg
Here is the sign (which at the time i figured was just kind of a it's unconclusive but may cause health issues kind of sign... not will microwave your fucking balls off and choroid simultaneously):
http://www.purdue.edu/ehps/rem/graphics/rtarfcs.jpg
912armyguy: I hope you didn't plan on having any male offsprings
[deleted]: Only female offsprings ; )
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412091010 | 1412177665 | t3_2hwav7 | t5_2to41 | 341 | hamsalad13: TIFU by accidentally showing my mother-in-law our sex toy collection, including a 13-inch monster dildo (NSFW)
This happened yesterday and I'm still cringing. Using my throwaway because a few of my friends know my Reddit account.
Our daycare provider had the day off yesterday, so my mother-in-law came over to watch our 2-year-old for the morning. She put her down for a nap and then my husband came home to take over for the day.
Later in the evening after putting our daughter to bed, I realized the baby monitor was not in our bedroom as usual. It was downstairs in the living room already. I asked my husband if he had grabbed it during her nap, and he said no. I distinctly remember leaving it in the bedroom in the morning because our daughter woke up while I was still in bed, so I got up and left it there.
This means there is only one conclusion to this story: My mother-in-law went into our bedroom (which I did not expect because the door was closed and it seems like common sense not to go into the bedroom of newlyweds) to get the monitor, which was conveniently located on my bedside table right next to a pair of nipple clamps, thigh high stockings, a bright pink butt plug, a bottle of KY jelly, a purple dildo, a realistic uncut dildo, AND [this bad boy (NSFW).] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00LK5LWE2?cache=7c722827e57733cbc6ef1479ca2ab027&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&qid=1412090651&sr=8-49#ref=mp_s_a_1_49)
TIL I should put away all our sex toys before family members come over in the event they go into your sex dungeon of a bedroom.
reste: Who does your mother-in-law think its for?
;)
hamsalad13: Oh fuck, I hadn't even thought of *that*! Either way she knows one of us likes really big dick... *facepalm*
[deleted]: So.. who *are* they for..?
[deleted]: OP's hubby?
xluminosityx: Both?
hamsalad13: This is actually more accurate than you might think. :P Although he's on the receiving end very rarely.
ClimbJoy: So... He HAS been on the receiving end before?
hamsalad13: Yep! Not of the monster one, but yeah. Haha
exoxe: So would you say he's a MLB catcher or more of an NFL receiver?
hamsalad13: I'll go with MLB catcher just because baseballs have less girth than footballs. :P
| 11 | 31 | |
1412091080 | 1412091667 | t3_2hwb0n | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my dog explosive diahrea
So i keep all of my cereal in these cabinets in my kitchen and the cabinet i keep it in ismaybe 3 inches off of the ground and has this little crack where you open it from. I just poured myself a delicious bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. Well i forgot to close the cabinet all the way and my beagle stole the ENTIRE box. She ate an entire box on cinnamon toast crunch in under 30 seconds. I fought with her to get it away with her but shes a vicious little cunt and bit the shit out my my hand. Now shes bleeding from her asshole, still sniffing crumbs and licking the floor and diahreaing all over my floor. Shes also trying to eat the diarrhea! Bitch is crazy
g0ldbar: That's awesome
dis0riented: no man this really sucks :(
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409691703 | 1409706636 | t3_2false | t5_2to41 | 18 | throwaway_fuckface: TIFU by accidentally stealing a somewhat expensive textbook
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
In the confusion of the first day of the semester, with different textbooks and notebooks on my desk and a bell ringing and stress mounting, I must have shoved a textbook from the classroom set of one of my courses right into my backpack.
Today, I got to school and the professor met us with a look of pure disgust and suspicion, like a fucking Soviet interrogator. [The face of "you're fucked."](http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130329044037/rambo/images/0/0e/RamboFirstBloodPartII1985720PBRRIPXVIDAC3-MAJESTiCavi_snapshot_005913_20130307_164854_zps61a9cd21.jpg)
All of us waited in fear and silence until he said slyly, like a Bond villain, "*One of you* took a book from me. There's **one** missing from the class set, and you'll all have to pay for it if it's not returned." My high school is broke as fuck, so I wouldn't doubt that they would force us all to pay up.
At this point, because I know I'm not a chemistry book thief, I felt a sense of giggling relief at the absurdity of the situation, mixed with indignation toward the anonymous fucker who misplaced the book and was going to fuck us all in the ass financially. As it turns out, my high school class's chemistry book set was donated by a private collector, and each of the 20 books, despite being old and wrinkly as fuck, is worth around $260 on sites like eBay.
Someone detected my rising laughter, though, and joined in. Before I knew it, I was laughing audibly in the professor's face and had turned his interrogation into a mockery of the man.
Today, at home, on my desk, I see something thrown haphazardly on a stack of papers. No. Fucking. Way. The fucking missing book.
If I return it and claim to have found it lying around somewhere in the school, the teacher will think I was laughing because I stole the book and will view me negatively for the rest of my final school year. And I need every advantage I can get so that I can get the best grades possible and get into a good college.
If I do not return it, or melt it with acid to destroy the evidence, chances are that someone who saw me grabbing the book absentmindedly as I left the class will rat me out and I'll end up being viewed negatively by *everyone*, expelled, and/or facing a small criminal record.
How the fuck do I socially engineer my way into making the teacher believe my story or how do I fucking sneak that thick-ass book onto the shelf where it belongs? I need to return it, but fucking dammit, what a TIFU this is turning out to be.
Edit: Fixed some mixed verb tenses.
Omnobo: Just tell the teacher the truth. You unknowingly took it, but brought it back when you realized you had it.
throwaway_fuckface: I'll do just that if the teacher is in a position to see everything that I do as I walk into the class. However, if he's distracted momentarily as I'm entering the class, I'll just put the book on the shelf where it belongs and Rick Roll my way to my seat as quickly as possible before he can turn around. My next class with him is on Thursday, so wish me luck.
TheFlyingHoward: Make a classmate handle it first. Always helps to have a second pair of prints on anything.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1412088327 | 1412098300 | t3_2hw5yj | t5_2to41 | 52 | AndrewK131: TIFU by cutting the grass...
Like most, this didn't happen today, rather a couple months back.
Basically, I'm sixteen and live with my mother and she had been nagging me to cut the grass so I did.
The way my garden works is there's two seperate sections of grass separated by a narrow path and it was my bright idea to try and swing the lawnmower over the path while it was still on.
As you can probably imagine, I have no experience with lawnmower acrobatics or common sense and was able to land the lawnmover on my foot.
What followed was a scrambled search through pools of blood to see if there were any missing toes and a long trip to the hospital so my foot could get stiched back together.
It was quite the spectacle actually as many nurses stopped to watch pieces of shoe, grass and cloth get removed from deep inside my foot.
It turns out the only reason I managed to keet all my toes was the fast that I was wearing heavy boots at the time.
All in all, I was graced with many severe lacerations, damaged nerves and a limp. To this day I still don't have any feeling in half my toes.
Attempting this is not recommended.
You have been warned...
GagaGotcho: Jesus man. Something as simple and pulling down on the mower on walking forward
AndrewK131: You would think that.
NeoMegamanX: At least they'll never nag you about doing it again.
| 4 | 13 | |
1412093657 | 1412140918 | t3_2hwfs9 | t5_2to41 | 96 | Groosenator2000: TIFU by not using the bathroom at my friends house before I left
After leaving my friends house and getting dropped off at mine, I discovered something horrifying. My folks weren't home, the front and back doors were locked, and I had the shits. I knocked on the neighbors door. There was no answer. I knocked on the other neighbors door. Still no answer. And then it came. That "Oh fuck gotta shit" feeling. I ran back to my house behind some bushes, pulled my pants down, and let 'er rip. Shit spewed out of my bunghole like a geyser splattering the bushes with sloshy brown excrement. I grabbed some leaves and promptly wiped my ass off and got shit all over my right hand. It seemed all was lost until i lifted my head up and saw the most beautiful thing known to a man (in this situation at least), a garden hose. I proceeded to fully remove my pants and turn the water on. After washing off my hand, my ass was next. I finished, washed the shit away under the bushes, and went to sit on the porch where I'm writing this now.
__RelevantUsername__: Yo so just saw something on /r/adviceanimals saying saw my neighbor shitting in a bush congrats bud.
Rwarss: I would like to see this!
__RelevantUsername__: Wow you lucky bastard I actually found it, had to weed through my browser history which did not make me feel the least bit good about myself but
[here it is you bastard]
(https://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/2hwvej/he_looked_like_he_was_having_a_hard_time/)
Groosenator2000: Coincidence, but it wasn't me. None of my neighbors were home to witness it.
__RelevantUsername__: Not that you know....
Groosenator2000: Seeing as the guy went onto say that he knew the guy and talked to him often I'd say it wasn't me. I don't talk to any of my neighbors. Fuck em.
__RelevantUsername__: Well fair enough, sorry to hear that I wouldve love to match up the dude who shit in his yard and the person who watched. Feels like it could be a romcom or something
| 8 | 12 | |
1409694734 | 1409698044 | t3_2fare4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Shane35007: TIFU by being a horrible dad/husband and not being able to stop the power from being shutoff.
In 2011 I lost my job. In 2012 I found a new job teaching in Flint, MI, but unfortunately, not before I lost my house.
Fast forward to this year and I have finally been able to get my family into a nice apartment. Come to find out I have a nearly $3000 electricity/gas bill from when I wasn't working.
As it was being transferred to a new address, Consumers Energy cannot make arrangements and needs the full amount. I'm already pay check to pay check.
So now my 11 year old daughter has had to start the school year with no power, and because I make just a little above poverty scale, I cannot find any assistance
TIFU because I couldn't, nor do I see anyway to provide the basic necessities for my wife and daughter.
maltedbacon: Can your wife open an account in her name?
Shane35007: As the lease holder, it checks names on lease. I am calling tomorrow to see if I can be removed. I do not stay with my wife and daughter, as my irresponsible behavior led to us separating.
maltedbacon: Don't beat yourself up over this. Sometimes families go through hard times.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1409694539 | 1409800425 | t3_2far2l | t5_2to41 | 10 | CastleLAX3: TIFU by checking out a girl
Today during class, me and my friend were sitting in the back corner of the classroom talking, when out of the corner of my eye, I see the hottest girl in the class stretch out her arms behind her back, thus thrusting her very large, perky boobs out into the open. I look at my friend and say, "Hey friend, look!" I ended up saying it a little bit too loudly, and she heard me, gave me the look of death, and starting laughing. Everyone in the class soon knew what had happened. I have that class for the rest of the school year.
ColonelParJar: First you gain her attention, then you gain her interest.
Fahrowshus: First you attack the heart.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409693596 | 1409715678 | t3_2fapb6 | t5_2to41 | 21 | hahaha_____shit: TIFU by getting trapped by my girlfriend's Mom.
tl;dr: Got caught by my girlfriend's (f17) Mom in her house without adult supervision. Fuck me, right? (M17)
Now for the story. It's kinda long and it just happened.
I've been talking back and forth with this one girl for a few months now and we've begun hanging out more: pseudo dates, group gatherings, flirty shit, etc..
So, I been giving her rides home from school now that its started up again. In the beginning it was just friendly banter during the 10+ odd minute ride, but eventually, conversations later, it came out that we liked each other. So these car rides slowly progressed; I walked her to the door, carried her stuff, brought it in, we made out. Well, a little not so slow.
Anyway, today.
We do our normal talk and we get to her house. I get out, grab her stuff, and we both walk to the door like normal. We get in, put her stuff down, and we start kissing. That's it, didn't grab her ass or anything and all clothes stayed on. At the time, we are in a hallway out of view of the entrance.
But then the dogs start barking. Oh. Shit.
Her Mom comes in, and gf shoves me into her room to try and hide. Needless to say, it does not work. I bunker down in the closet just in time for her Mom to open the door and check inside to see if there are any intruders. She didn't see me, but she has a trick up her sleeve. Their house is rigged with cameras to keep track of the goings on, and lo and behold, yours truly is right there.
Anyway, gf's room naturally doesn't have any escape routes, so I'm left to wait until I'm summoned, and I am most definitely summoned. I actually managed to run out before her Mom saw me in the flesh, but I decided not to puss out and leave my gf all by herself.
The rest is simple: I rang the doorbell, gf answered, Mom appeared, we had a talk, now she hates me and gf probably won't get to do Driver's Ed.
That's what I get for being a stupid teenager.
txroller: You get in worse trouble by trying to hide and cover up things. You guys were just being teenagers. Wth is wrong with kissing?
hahaha_____shit: Her Mom is a massive hypocrite and one of the reasons why she hasn't had much experience dating. I can't stand her parents, and now it seems the feeling is reciprocated.
txroller: well, their attitude will only make your gf want you more. It is a misguided parenting mistake. So play it cool and let your gf come to you somewhere else other than her house. Don't try to make nice with them (you didn't do anything wrong)
hahaha_____shit: Yeah. Her parents, from what I've been told, seem to be pretty vindictive, so I've been stressing over whether or not she's going to be ok.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1409692654 | 1409957102 | t3_2fanla | t5_2to41 | 6 | Marysthrow: TIFU by telling off a coworker
tl:dr; told coworker she's lazy, unfortunately she's also the boss' friend.
Ok, had a bad morning and rolled into work later than coworkers because I had class. One in particular had an issue with it, and made a comment like "look who came in 5 hours late" and I just brushed it off. Later on, she was finally doing some work and pulled stuff in from the line where all work sits before we handle it. She asked somebody to push it back towards her and as I did, I hear "don't worry, I'll do it all" and I gave her a look and just said "you really want to go there?" which made her ask why I was mad. I said I wasn't and went back to work.
2 minutes later, the same coworker is peeking into my area to see what my issue was. I told her that I didn't have an issue, but she just pulled in a bunch of stuff and should work on that instead of coming down to see me. I heard a few giggles from other areas and went back to work.
At the end of the day, she came charging into my area, essentially cornering me. She insisted I tell her why I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't mad, but it's just annoying when she bitches about actually having to do work. She said that she works really hard and it's not her fault I came in so late and she is working alone. I have a coworker in my section because nobody else will work with them, they help out a little but they're sort of slow and more in my way most of the time than anything. I told her that I noticed every time I walked by in the past week, half of her area was empty or ready to be pushed out and she was just sitting there on her phone. She started yelling about how I should just go to the boss, and I told her I won't because I'm not her damn babysitter.
Anyways, she went to the boss' office and shut the door. I left before she came out, so I assume I'll be pulled in tomorrow. I will update when I get out of work tomorrow with what actually ends up happening, but since she's friends with the boss and he knows I'm a loud mouth, I don't see things going well for me.
This coworker does about 2/3 of the work I do, yet thinks her shit don't stink because she's been there longer than I have. She's on her phone constantly or sitting and talking with other coworkers. I am not the first to call her lazy, just the loudest.
koldlol: If you're being honest about the amount of work you do/she does, nothing to worry about. Almost no replacement for hard worker :). I would tone it down a little though haha, but that's the pot calling the kettle black at this point.
Marysthrow: I found out I'm the 3rd person in our department (of 6-7 people) that she's went into the office about. Pretty soon they'll realize it's her and not the other people.
RoyalLlama: Now we sit and wait for the inevitable triumph...
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409695356 | 1410836176 | t3_2fasjg | t5_2to41 | 343 | 1337and0: TIFU by being too tall and drinking soda.
This happened just a minute ago. I'm a pretty tall guy (6'5) and I was finishing up the last drops of a can of soda as I was walking to the next room. Because the can was tipped upward, as soon as I walked in the room, it collided with the the doorframe and jammed into my nose and teeth.
Assurana: I hate running against doorframes with my forehead, because the house i live in is fucking small. Doorframes are mostly about 1.90m and i am ~2.00m :(
fireengineer: What is this, a house for ants?
ahoney002: ...Meters. Door frames are generally 6'2" -ish and he is about 6'6"...
fireengineer: I know what a meter is, I was stating that from his/her point of view.
ahoney002: Fair enough lol
| 6 | 57.166667 | |
1412090156 | 1412102272 | t3_2hw9bf | t5_2to41 | 119 | DelineateThis: TIFU by suggesting my friend put her bra in the microwave to dry it off...
This story happened six years ago during my last year of high school and a few weeks after my 18th birthday (at a point when teenage derpness is no excuse).
I had travelled to an out-of-town netball tournament with my teammates, and were currently stuck in the middle of the first day of a two-day tournament at the local high school. My team had been scheduled to play two games off the bat, followed by a two-hour break, another game, and then a one-hour break before our last game of the day. During the first break we had managed to take over the girls' locker room and lounge in there. One of the girls, my friend, another almost-18, had decided she couldn't play in a sweaty sports bra so she had taken it off and used the hand dryer to completely dry it out before our next game. The method worked perfectly and by the time the break was over her bra was as dry and warm as if it had popped straight out of the drying machine.
For the second break, however, another team had taken over our spot and we had to find other accommodations. The organizers had opened up a classroom for use so we had decided to make the most of it and relax in there. My friend again removed her bra, and for the next 45 minutes we let it dry out on a chair (no hand dryers). Fast forward to 5 minutes before game time. My friend goes to put her bra on, only to find it still quite wet. We are alone in the classroom at this point as everyone else is warming up, and spotting a microwave in the corner I jokingly suggest she put it in there for a minute.
Mistake. I had underestimated her desire for a dry bra and before I realized what had happened she had popped open the door, tossed the bra in and cranked the knob until it turned on. "No!" I was yelling at her, "What if it blows up? What if it catches on fire? We need to hide!" She was holding me back now as I struggled to stop what I felt certain was impending doom and had barely managed to finish saying "It's just 30 seconds I think. It will be fine-"
PING.
Nothing. No smoke. No explosions. Just a little 'ping' to let us know her bra was finished cooking. We step over, open the door, pull out the bra... nothing. It's toasty warm. Fully dried out. We start to laugh at ourselves and at the comedic timing when suddenly a little brown mark appears right in the centre of the bra. "Um... what's...?"
Flames. Suddenly the bra is on fire, tongues of orange licking the air and spreading rapidly from the little brown spot -creating a charred hole in the middle of the material. "AHHHHH", we yell in unison, and charge for the external door (luckily it was one of those old schools with an escape door to the outside right in the classroom). "WATER! GRAB YOUR WATERBOTTLE!" she yells, and as she flings the door open and throws the bra to the pavement I open the lid of the bottle and pour all of its contents on the smoking fabric. For good measure we stomp the living bejesus out of it -and then once we are certain it's no-longer on fire... begin to convulse (and cry) from laughter. Little did we know we had caused a major ruckus outside... and quickly an adult appeared because they could smell the fire and thought we were smoking (and by the way we were rolling around on the floor I'm certain they assumed it wasn't cigarettes we were smoking). When we finally explained ourselves any chance of keeping it secret died quickly... an audience had arrived. The charred remains of the bra was also entirely useless and being a person of foresight my friend had forgotten to bring another. Fun-fact: she was forced to play bra-less the rest of the tournament.
TL;DR : Jokingly told my friend to put her bra in the microwave to dry it out and accidentally set it on fire.
EAT_A_DICK_44: Great story, but ouch! Being male, i can only imagine that playing braless for a whole tournament would be just as painful as going commando for a 5k.
DelineateThis: Ooh that made me cringe! Haha she definitely had regrets. Thankfully she was not one of those girls plagued by extremely large basoomas so I think she escaped some horror.
EAT_A_DICK_44: Oh well that's a plus. I've heard stories of some girls having to wear 2 or 3 layers of sports bras to keep everything in place
DelineateThis: True story. Happened to a friend of a friend of mine. Actually just a friend.
| 5 | 23.8 | |
1409698601 | 1409767948 | t3_2fay90 | t5_2to41 | 3 | DaBigBadBootyDaddy: TIFU by getting glass in my foot
Okay, this happened a little bit ago.
I had convinced this girl that lived about 2 hours away from me to come visit me one weekend. I've been working at trying to see her for a minute and the opportunity had presented itself. I had made all sorts of preparations, because it was pretty much stated sexy time was going to be involved. She wanted to go out for a night on the town, so me and my roommate had met her and her friend at this night club away from heart of the city. The whole point was to stay away from a tense and/or violent setting *at all costs* and the best course of action was to go away from problematic spots.
We meet at the club and low and behold there she was. After a drink mixed with some dance moves, I was brimming with confidence. I couldn't wait for my night to end because anticipation is crazy...
..when all of a sudden a fight breaks out.
And this isn't a typical fight. Chairs were being thrown. Glass cups also. It was pretty dangerous. As I'm avoiding the commotion I feel a 1 inch piece of glass go in my shoe. I didn't think anything of it (maybe a mix of adrenaline, hormones and alcohol) and took it out. Once I saw my lady I go to get her to leave, but I can't put any weight on my foot. Taking off my shoe my foot was covered red and leaking blood profusely. I had to go to the hospital get hopped up on Vicodin and get stitches in my foot in which I still carry the scar today.
Also, that was the last time I ever seen that girl. Bummer of the whole night.
tl;dr = I meet a crush at a bar trying to avoid a fight, a fight happens and I get glass stuck in my foot trying to avoid the fight. Didn't score.
JustNilt: I'm confused how going to a bar was avoiding a fight. Traditionally, the emotionally charged atmosphere there combined with the higher alcohol intake means fights tend to be *more* likely than an average "first date" environment.
That said, at least you were doing the right thing in getting her to safety, despite your injury. I'm a little surprised she didn't appreciate that.
DaBigBadBootyDaddy: That's one of those dumb choices I made as a fresh adult that would of been completely different now. I thought I would get some sympathy points but nope.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409700509 | 1409789488 | t3_2fb1nj | t5_2to41 | 184 | ConManOfConning: TIFU by posting on Facebook, "Happy National Beheading Day!"
TIFU. And hey, it happened today, for once on this thread.
Today was my closest friend's birthday. If a holiday comes up, we have this ongoing joke to yell, "Happy *insert random holiday that actually exists, on this day* Day!" So a few days, I looked at 9/2 to see what obscure holiday was on today, and coincidentally, it is National Beheading Day. (http://holidayinsights.com/moreholidays/September/beheadingday.htm) So, I get on Facebook, and I post on his timeline, "Happy National Beheading Day!" What followed was a long list of friends and relatives, people I know, calling me a jerk and exclaiming what an insensitive prick I was. I just found out why: For those of you who view this post out of context or at a different date, Steven J. Sotloff (a captive of the ISIS) was beheaded today, 9/2/2014. And I didn't know until now.
Jarbatalapus: Well, they didn't have to lose their heads about it...
Jarbatalapus: Really though, should've given them a heads up.
Jarbatalapus: Avoid rushing into it, though.
Wouldn't want to cut ahead.
Jarbatalapus: That guy got decapitated and it killed him.
duckvimes_: Nice attempt at a one-person pun train.
Jarbatalapus: >attempt
\>implying I failed
ICanHomerToo: But you're awesome for trying
DefJessard97: Syriasly.......
| 9 | 20.444444 | |
1412100062 | 1412191559 | t3_2hws6r | t5_2to41 | 1,573 | steven2014: TIFU trying to do pullups at work
So recently I watched a video about doing pullups on doors so I've been trying to do more pullups wherever I go.
So anyways I was at work and go into the bathroom, I do a quick check and see no one is in the bathroom. So I grab the bathroom stall door and quickly pull myself up for a quick pullup. As soon as I get to the top I immediately lock eyes with a guy on the toilet. The bathroom WAS NOT empty!
I immediately drop down and run away. It TOTALLY looked like I wanted a little peak and there is no way he'd understand what happened. Thankfully I didn't recognize him. I still am afraid to go to the that same bathroom today...
BigBroHo: Currently taking a dump at work reading this. Trying too hard not to laugh at the idea of somebody doing that.
steven2014: Not to mention the stall wasn't super sturdy so it probably seemed like I was shaking it first, then hopped up full for a full view. Better watch out while you are in the bathroom!
NoteworthyComment: http://imgur.com/2h65CJI
steven2014: I LOVE THIS! Fuck it you are getting gold. This needs to be upvoted!!
NoteworthyComment: [My first, thank you!](http://i.imgur.com/G17oTRX.jpg)
steven2014: TIFU by accidentally given you gold twice... Well enjoy haha!
| 7 | 224.714286 | |
1411563607 | 1411582639 | t3_2hbqsg | t5_2to41 | 8,199 | hiimsadako: TIFU by leaving my sex calendar on the fridge for my dad to see
So I made [this sex calendar](http://i.imgur.com/th1wVCM.jpg) as a joke for my boyfriend who's in town right now. I put it on the fridge so I can reference it from time to time ... specifically when I want it.
Fast forward to yesterday, for some reason my power wasn't working correctly, in some rooms it was on, in others it wasn't, so I called my dad over to see if he could figure out what was going on. I completely forgot about the calendar on my fridge and he walked around the apartment checking appliances to see what worked and what didn't. It wasn't until I went to get something to drink from the fridge that I saw it and realized I had to hide it immediately, which I did. I wasn't sure if he had seen it, but he hadn't said anything so I hoped for the best.
Then, in the evening I get a call from my mom. She just wants to talk like always, but then she says my dad said I have very interesting choices of fridge decorations. I didn't know what to say, I just laughed and pretended like I didn't know what she was talking about, but now I have no idea how I'm going to look my parents in the face the next time I see them.
tl;dr I made a calendar that said I want my boyfriend's dick every day and my dad saw it.
_vargas_: He was probably curious as to why you scheduled the Anal Afternoon right after Taco Tuesday. That kind of coital planning is either extremely foolhardy or incredibly prescient. I guess it all depends on how attached you are to those sheets.
[deleted]: god dammit vargas
Hurricane_Viking: I like how "god dammit vargas" is typically the top rated reply to any vargas comment.
Edit: Holy Shit Guys, /u/_vargas_ replied to me. This is a big moment in my reddit life. I will never wash this comment again.
_vargas_: Me, too. After all, it could have been something like "Let's find out where Vargas lives and touch all his things!" Simply yelling religion-based obscenities at me is preferable.
Followthatmonkey: Let's find out where Vargas lives and touch his thing!
CrippledTurtle: "touch his thing!" much better than "touch his things!"
Bearth01: Time to make it worse. Vargas is female
SuperBattleFranky37: ey bb
[deleted]: "You're Acid Burn? I'm Crash Override."
depricatedzero: You're the moron that's been invading my turf?
[deleted]: You're going to love New York. They say it's the city that never sleeps.
depricatedzero: New York City may be the city that never sleeps, but it sure does take a lot of fuckin weed naps.
| 13 | 630.692308 | |
1409704475 | 1409746699 | t3_2fb457 | t5_2to41 | 98 | throwawayamateur: I'd rather keep his identity private.
bubbleguy123: was it him with another girl?
throwawayamateur: Yes. His penis was in a vagina other than mine.
bubbleguy123: Damn I hope it was a past relation and he didn't cheat on you
throwawayamateur: I hope so, too.
bubbleguy123: Well all I can tell you is that it's important that you talk about it. Don't forget that the date the video had been posted may not be the date he filmed it and he may not be the one who posted it. Anyway good luck
throwawayamateur: Whether it was before we got together or not, it's still disturbing to see. I watched the love of my life pound another girl.
Not a pretty sight.
Tungurbooty: So you didn't get wet...
i_pk_pjers_i: Probably not.
| 9 | 10.888889 | |
1409702195 | 1409784302 | t3_2fb4f4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a bag of sugar free jolly ranchers
Violent diarrhea for the the past 2 hours. [The horror, the horror](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNUr__-VZeQ)
stephlovescamp: http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummi-Bears-Sugar-Free/product-reviews/B000EVQWKC
Does this describe your experience? Feel better soon. Then only give the remaining candies to people you don't like. :)
Kasianic: You beat me to it!
Mixtapeshuffle: Me too haha, nothing has ever made me laugh harder.
| 4 | 2 | |
1409701905 | 1409703559 | t3_2fb3z1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | gwailo_joe: TIFU by pouring Murphy's oil soap down the garbage disposal.
Go to brush my teeth this AM and get a whiff from the Insinkerator: particularly foul. Usually I use half a lemon, but I got no lemon. Check under sink and usual cleaners (409, Toilet bleach, Windex) are all getting pretty low. But there in the back is the Murphy's (for shining wood floors) and it has a pleasing scent, so...down goes a cupful. Click on the switch...no spin. No movement at all. Just an accusatory buzz of impotency from my newly pine scented garbage disposal.
Dang.
Coopr2010: My dad would stick the end of the broom handle and rotate. No hands in the hole (especially after something nasty has clogged it) and no chance of someone turning it on.
Kasianic: I'm so paranoid, I always unplug it before I attempt to unclog it. That way no one can accidentally come around and flip the switch.
Coopr2010: Normal people would, but this is my dad. :/
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412096317 | 1412110853 | t3_2hwkpj | t5_2to41 | 63 | Foxlily: TIFU by trying to get a Girl Scout badge
Quite clearly, this didn't happen today, but it was only recently that I realise what a monumental fuck up this was.
Now, throw it back about 15 years or so. I am about 8, and a good little Girl Scout. Back then my best friends were all a year above me, and so had already been members for a year. My one fixation was to earn as many badges as them. It was a simpler time.
Anyway, when new Girl Scouts are welcomed into the group, there's this ceremony thing for the parents to come and watch. For the girls who are already members, there's the chance to earn some badges, either for making tea, or providing entertainment. I decided the tea making was somebody else's concern, and convinced my friends we should do some entertainment, to show the parents and future members what a shining example of young ladies we are.
We chose to perform a dance. One of the older girls suggested a song that had recently been released, and as she was the year above and therefore pretty cool, I agreed. And so it began, we choreographed moves and jotted them down in our trapper keepers,we practiced in the playground at lunchtime, we braided each other's hair for the big night, and most importantly, we borrowed our parents sunglasses to create the right image for this performance.
So picture this; it's a tiny rural village community, we are surrounded by tearful parents who have just watched their daughters become full members of a respectful organisation, and are sipping their lukewarm tea. We arrive on stage in our denhim jackets and sunglasses. The CD player clicks on...
And suddenly "What Would You Do?" By City High begins to play. If anyone is not familiar with this song, I can summarise by saying it mentions prostitution, prison, drugs, incest and rape. Obviously all this washed over our naive little minds. Unfortunately our group leader was not so innocent.
After we totally nailed the dance, there was a bit of awkward silence and a few half hearted claps before we were ushered away. Our group leader was mortified, but again, I didn't realise quite why.
It wasn't until many MANY years later when I heard the song again, and actually listened to it, it dawned upon me. My mom still laughs about it.
I still got my badge.
TL;DR: I performed a dance to a song about drugs and prostitutes to get a Girl Scout badge. I got the badge.
Majestic_Beard: You didn't fuck up. You got that badge.
Foxlily: Ruined a few reputations in the process, but my target was met.
| 3 | 21 | |
1409698086 | 1409759383 | t3_2faxb5 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Aquaman_Forever: TIFU by ordering some stuff on Ebay.
Happened almost exactly a month ago, so I might as well post the story now.
Sometime towards the beginning of August, I decided to binge buy a bunch of blu rays off Ebay. I was going to spend a week at my cousins house and he wanted to show off his new projector, so I bought a bunch of movies that seemed like they would be fun to watch as spectacle (Avengers, Iron Man 3, Aliens, Blade Runner, and Terminator 2). All in all with shipping, they cost me about 50$.
I was ordering them all at once and moving through the process kind of fast because I knew that any second, I would realize that I probably shouldn't spend a bunch of money on movies. Set the shipping to standard and ordered them. This was about a week before I was supposed to go to my cousins.
Every day, I would bound out of bed and run to the front door to see if my movies had arrived, like a puppy waiting for puppy crack. No luck. After 5 days, I was kind of worried they wouldn't arrive in time, so I postponed the trip for a few days (We really wanted to watch Avengers).
When the packages hadn't arrived by the 12th, I was getting pretty annoyed. Standard shipping can't be that slow, can it? I checked the orders and they had all been sent to an old address of mine because I forgot to change my settings on my Ebay account. I messaged all the senders telling them they should get the movies back and asking if they could redirect them when they did and I'll pay double shipping.
It's been a month now. I've had one redirected to me and it got here fine. One was refunded which I was totally cool with as well. One guy said he still hasn't gotten the package returned to him (Which seems like bullshit, right?), one guy told me to fuck off and he wasn't going to resend it because I gave him the wrong address, and the last one has ignored every message I sent them.
I know this isn't as shitty as most TIFU's (I didn't literally shit myself) but it is a pretty terrible situation just because it doesn't seem like something that should be such a big deal. Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this kind of situation/know Ebay's policy on this type of thing?
Kasianic: Call ebay. They have a buyer's protection plan.
Aquaman_Forever: Does this apply if it was buyer error to start with?
Kasianic: I think they take it case by case. If you go to the ebay message boards you can ask there. A lot of seasoned sellers and buyers who know the policies inside and out.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411942736 | 1411943672 | t3_2hqfxp | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not getting fully informed before moving to another country
All right so about a week ago I finally got my current dream job if becoming a family's AuPair. If you don't know what an AuPair is, and that's okay I didn't either til about a month ago, basically I move into a family's home, they house me, feed me, and if I want to take classes, pay for my classes all for free. In exchange I speak to their kids in English, help them with their homework, occasionally take them to soccer, to the park or whatever else may come up relating to the kids. Every week they also pay me a little bit of pocket money and voi-la! I get to experience living in another country and get paid a bit too! I learned about AuPairing this past July when I was in Spain from another American and right away I signed up on a website, made a profile and all that cool shit!
Unfortunately I wasn't able to find a host family before my return flight so I didn't change it and decided to come back home (San Diego, Ca) and gather my shit and wait for a host family to choose me. A month after being back, my host family liked my profile, we exchanged emails and Skype calls, which let us get to know one another. It all went perfect and we decided on a date for me to fly over and start. The great thing is that I was their first American AuPair and it was a new experience for everyone. I was so excited! When it came time I packed my shit and was headed out on my flight to the Canary Islands, which are controlled by Spain so part of the EU.
Everything IS perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better host family, home, or city ( Santa Cruz) but here's where my fuck up technically begins. A few days after I got here the family and I agreed that I should work on my Spanish while I'm here. We went to the official public school of languages and from there we tried to get me signed up. To sign up all I needed was a NIE which is a # every single non Spanish citizen needs to do such things. Well to get one we needed to go to the state police station and get me on of those fuckers! Simple and easy right..... Wrong. Being that I was this family's first non EU AuPair, they didn't really know the rules to it, and me being young and dumb, I just came over here to work for the next 6 months. Well as the police "so kindly" explained, I had already been to Europe in the past 6 months and that meant however long I spent here last time (36 days) started the countdown on my tourist visa (90 days) and when the clock hit zero I'd become an illegal immigrant if I stayed.
I quickly started to realize how unprepared I actually came here. The part that really makes me sad is that I don't want to leave and the family doesn't want me gone either. The rest of the problem is I don't want and can't really afford to come back to the states and then back again with a fucking student visa. I just don't have that kind of money. I'm kind of fucked..... Really fucked... I don't know what to do and am disappointed with how I put myself in such a shitty situation. The family can't keep me here after the countdown is up because that would get them in a lot of trouble if it were to be found out, which honestly at some point it would. Yeah.... I fucked up.
tl;dr: I got a job as an AuPair and up and moved to an EU country with no visa or residency thinking I could just work and study for a few months.... Yeah, I know
Edit: Formatting
XJ95: is it even possible to fly to Europe without a Visa?
TheRealTittySprinkle: Your passport is technically a tourist visa, that's why they stamp it when you enter the country you first visit.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412102070 | 1412169043 | t3_2hww9d | t5_2to41 | 212 | ahahlooc: TIFU by taking ecstasy while on my period.
This happened a couple years ago and I feel like the title says it all. But, the details follow!
My boyfriend and I had been dating for a while. We had done ecstasy together before and when my sister invited us out to a college party we decided what-the-hell-why-not!
Party was exactly what you'd expect an ecstasy-ridden college party to be. Lights, loud bass, lovely heart-to-heart conversations with people I'd never met before.
Afterwords the boy and I grab a cab back to my place and do what any sane young 20-somethings would do while coming down from a roll. Now, E makes it really heard to orgasm. It also makes everything feel *really great*, even things that would probably otherwise be painful. After a good hour-or-two of pretty rough sex, we end up passing out.
Next morning my boyfriend walks awkwardly into my kitchen and mentions a strange long, thin burn on the underside of his penis. Weird! We laugh it off and contribute it to our rough sex the night before.
He stays over again that night. As things get heated my he starts off by going down on me. After a couple minutes he begins to finger me. **Immediately** he gags.
I look down, wide eyed and horrified and see his fingers slowly pull halfway out my vagina with a wet brownish-whiteish string grasped between them
"Ummmm..." he mumbled and stopped pulling, eyeing me nervously and visibly tensing. "Should I... Pull?"
After a couple uncomfortable moments of staring into each others eyes in the *least sexy* way possible, he pulls. And I, just lay there like a deer in the headlights, naked and ashamed. He stands there for a couple seconds holding this brown, putrid-smelling, well-over-a-day-old tampon that he just pulled from *deep deep* inside my vagina before he calmly walks towards the bathroom.
He comes back and pats me on the back. "That smelled awful!" and he laughed.
I learned many lessons that day. Haven't done ecstasy since.
**TLDR:** Took ecstasy. Forgot about tampon. Had sexy time with bf. Bf finds tampon a day later while going down on me. Bf levels up by pulling out said tampon and disposing of it.
biglettuce: I'm assuming the Dick burn was from friction with the tampon?
ahahlooc: Yup. I'm a total idiot for not connecting the dots after he mentioned it.
biglettuce: Lol I'm just surprised you guys both forgot you were on your period
missy_nomer: It's actually frighteningly easy to forget, especially if you've got a tampon in there.
biglettuce: I apologize for my ignorance, females of Reddit.
| 6 | 35.333333 | |
1412102660 | 1412104046 | t3_2hwxdd | t5_2to41 | 8 | throwaway_sick: TIFU by calling out of work
So this TIFU started last Thursday technically (it's currently Tuesday). I got supremely drunk Thursday night and so I called in Friday morning sick. Boss was cool with it. And I continued to party through the weekend, got supremely drunk Sunday night too with every intention of waking up. I woke up 45 minutes into my shift still a little drunk, and in my moment of idiocy I e-mailed my boss and said I was in the hospital with pneumonia and that's why I have been out. I got the STUPID idea because I had remembered Jaren Allen had pneumonia this weekend and it was the first thing that came to my half asleep mind.
Anyway, fast forward an hour or two after I think I had gotten away with it because my boss said she wanted to make sure I was fine. She then e-mails me saying she needs me to e-mail a doctor's note to HR to confirm all this shit. Now, obviously I can't do that and I'm sitting here wondering whether to come clean and say I have a drinking problem or to just keep the lie going. I came in today and told her that I requested the doctor's note but this is only gonna last a day or two. I'm fucked.
TL;DR called out of work twice and ended up saying I was in the hospital with Pneumonia and now my boss asked for me to send a doctor's note in to HR. I'm fucked.
Voyager5555: Never fake call sick into work on a Friday or a Monday....and definitely not both.
SamhainSoul: Yeah- big mistake there.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412102598 | 1412108729 | t3_2hwx9n | t5_2to41 | 6 | UnknownAzn212: TIFU by buying Ultra tickets
So Ultra tickets just went on sale today and just like anyone else I was pumped. 6 friends and I all wait patiently as we wait for our turns to buy the tickets. We all signed up for pre-registration so we can by Tier1 or Tier 2 tickets which were $300 and $380 respectively. Pre-registration had promo codes that allowed you to buy Tier 1 or Tier 2 tickets as soon as tickets go on sale. People who didn't sign up don't gain access to Tier 1 or Tier 2 so they have to by Tier 3 which cost $450. My wait in line was 7 minutes so the anticipation was killing me. 1 of my friends manage to get through and bought 2 Tier 1, we were so pumped for him. Finally it was my turn to buy tickets, I put my code in and manage to buy 4 tickets. Filled out all my credit card info and boom tickets purchased. Only a second later I saw the price of the tickets which were Tier 3. So do the math $450 x 4 plus tax and shipping cost totaling to $1814.75....fuck. Soon after my mistake another one of my friends got 2 Tier 1 tickets. So if you are keeping track that's 8 tickets for seven people. So yeah my dumb ass didn't realize my mistake and now I'm stuck with not only Tier 3 tickets, but one extra one. I just emailed Ultramusicfestival.com to see if I can get a refund for one of the tickets, lets just hope I can.
TL:DR Bought Tier 3 tickets when I could've bought Tier 1 or Tier 2 plus having an extra ticket left over.
Edit 1: Ultramusicfestival.com not Ultra.com (I'm dumb)
TheAzianMan: Can't you sell the last ticket?
UnknownAzn212: I could, but Tier 3 tickets are available till the day of Ultra which is March 27th. So people can still buy them now just not at a lower price. If I refund the ticket that just means one more ticket people can buy from Ultra instead of myself. I could be that guy and hike up the prices and then sell them, but I choose not too. This is an event people should go and have a good time, not burn a hole in their wallet just to have some fun.
TheAzianMan: Yeah, I wanted to delete my comment after commenting as I too knew it sounded dumb, but I didn't know how to delete comments in the alien blue app :P
UnknownAzn212: It's a valid question imo.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1409704888 | 1409797740 | t3_2fb8ze | t5_2to41 | 169 | theyseemewhalin: TIFU by sending "Hell yeah im jacking off right now" to my Grandma
First of all, screw throwaways.
A little backstory: I'm a regular redditor on a lot of innocent threads. However, my girlfriend and I get into some pretty heated texts/Snapchats. We have been dating for 2 years now.
So my gf and i are snapping/texting each other, and it starts to get heated. Soon enough it's turned into sexy snap time. My gf and I are both masturbating at this point when she sends me a nude with "You masturbating to this?" which I respond to with "Hell yeah im jacking off right now."
My phone's been buzzing almost non stop for the past 10 minutes or so. As i reach down to see if she's responded, I see who i sent the text to.
MY GRANDMA.
Turns out she texted me right after my Gf.
Grandma: " (Insert my name here), (my little brother) left his DS at my house. Come by and pick it up after school tomorrow."
Me: "Hell yeah im jacking off right now"
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
I'm lying in bed right now, unable to finish, thinking of how my life is going to end. I'm thinking of responding with "Sorry, meant to send that to a lifting buddy" but i dont know if she'll believe that. Ugh. Goodbye World.
itirate: Say you meant you were stealing a can of bug spray and that you are deeply regretful for not purchasing it.
Gehalgod: You might be a genius.
LocomotiveSkullfuck: Might be?
| 4 | 42.25 | |
1412102029 | 1412155178 | t3_2hww5z | t5_2to41 | 6 | lex_89: TIFU by sending a text to my boss's wife not my coworker
My coworker and I think that my boss and his wife are both gay. They just recently got married and it was super fast and we all thought he was gay and started to think his wife was lesbian. His wife works with us too... small business... well my coworker, his wife, and myself were discussing being gay in todays age and etc. We joked around and then she said something which made me want to text my coworker secretly. Well I hit the text message box that was a group message between the three of us and said "'Boss name' is gay"... I noticed this right away and replied "hahahhaha Jk!!!!!!" which didn't help my case since that was sent within a second of the first one. She looks up at me and says was this meant for me?.... I am bright red and try to say well it was a joke but you went and answered the phone so I couldnt play it out right. Things have been so awkward. But for real... He is gay and everyone knows except his wife, maybe hes in denial, and his family.
Edit: Before people get the wrong idea.. I have nothing against gays. I have several gay/lesbian friends and a lesbian mother... I welcome them.. I also welcome coming out.
Voyager5555: BUT FOR REAL
Who the fuck cares?
lex_89: Does anyone truly care about any of the TIFU posts? no not really but they are interesting to read, laugh about, and be thankful.
Voyager5555: Sorry, not your post, more who cares if you boss(es) are gay.
Csardonic1: His wife.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1409705660 | 1409709696 | t3_2fba6w | t5_2to41 | 16 | Firearm2112: TIFU by staring at a girl with a spiked dog collar
So today I was at the mall with a buddy of mine. It was getting kind of boring so I suggested we leave. We both stepped onto the escalator, and me being the 17 year old, super observant asshole I am, spotted a girl, a little farther up on the escalator wearing a spiked dog collar.
I starred at her, then turned to my buddy and said: "Dude, she's wearing a fucking dog collar." I thought I said it quietly, but my friend's response said otherwise. He gave me a strong nudge in the stomach and said: "You're so loud." I then look back up. And guess who's starring back. The girl with the dog collar.
By now, the escalator stopped and we all got off. The girl started to cry, and I felt bad, so I walked over to her.
I said: "Hey look, I'm real sorry. There's nothing wrong with people wearing collars. It's even kinda cool with it's..."
She cut me off
She said: "I'm wearing it on honor of my dog, who passed away a few days ago. It was his favorite collar. You're an asshole."
She then slapped me and walked away.
TL:DR Stared at girl with dog collar, it was her dog's. I'm an asshole.
CoderChad: I want to, but I can't believe that someone would wear a dog collar in public and then be so offended that someone stated the obvious that she slaps him. The world is not coming to this.
Firearm2112: I was in shock too.
CoderChad: Although after giving it some thought. I kinda have to take her side on this one. That was kind of insensitive. I mean, if I were to lose my dog I'd be devastated. I'd probably be sleep deprived and out of it mentally. At the time, wearing my dog's collar might be a way to deal with my loss by keeping her memory with me, weird as it may seem to those around me. You had no place making such a snide comment OP, and frankly an apology doesn't cut it. You could have at least offered her a milkbone.
| 4 | 4 | |
1412102333 | 1412188176 | t3_2hwwrv | t5_2to41 | 1,382 | ChurchOfSkatan: TIFU by noticing the amount of sausages a customer was buying.
So I work at a grocery store, and I have the lovely position of basically doing everything the cashiers of the store are too lazy to do. In this particular instance, I was at the end of a counter, bagging the groceries for the customer.
Now, whenever I am doing this I normally make small talk with the customer if the cashier isn't already doing it. I noticed that whoever was being served at this till was buying an awful lot of sausages. Like I'm talking at least 7 of each brand. While I'm putting all these into the bags I say the usual, "How are you today? Did you find everything you needed?". The woman responded, "Yeah, this is all I need for today."
Now, I should probably mention that the cashier was going very fast and I was trying very hard to keep up with the amount of sausages coming my way, and I was trying to get them into bags as fast as I could.
This is where I fuck up.
Without thinking, I blurt out, "Looks like quite the sausagefest."
Quiet. Even the cashier stopped ringing through the items.
I look up at the woman buying her groceries and to my horror I see two gay men holding hands, staring at me with anger.
Needless to say I got out of there fast. Fuck.
**tl;dr** Noticed customer was buying a lot of sausages. Told two gay men they were having a sausagefest.
Edit: Wow! Thanks for the gold kind stranger
alexmikli: Okay come on, that was hilarious and not even offensive. Who would get upset about that?
yellsaboutjokes: GAY DUDES, APPARENTLY
CaptainFairchild: They really need to get the dicks out of their asses and...oh wait.
thecatman456: maybe get their dicks out of a womans vagina maybe? this is going to take some research
someone get me a montage
Da_Porta: Someone get me a sausage
James2986: I just pronounced sausage like montage.
| 7 | 197.428571 | |
1412102609 | 1412131795 | t3_2hwxaf | t5_2to41 | 14 | princeoflorence: TIFU by drinking too much at the Passover Seder
Been on here for a while getting endless entertainment at work, so I thought I'd share the love.
Obviously this didn't happen today (because let's be honest, almost none of these posts have), but several years ago. I was about 14, and as a scrawny white Jewish kid, had not had that much experience with alcohol.
A bit of background: As some of you may know, once a year is the Jewish holiday of Passover where we decide to punish ourselves and only eat matzah. Yes, it's miserable. Anyway, on the first 1 or 2 nights of the holiday (it's 8 days total), we have something called a Seder where we tell the story of the Jews leaving Egypt. During this Seder, there is the custom to drink 4 cups of wine. As you can imagine, as a 14 year old, this whole process is painfully boring, and it only leads up to you eating a "feast" of matzah, gefilte fish, and other not so good foods. Great. On top of that, I am the oldest (by several years) of all my cousins who were there, and I got placed at the slightly separated kids table with them, as well as their college-aged babysitter, let's call her Amy, who if I remember was pretty cute. But again, being the scrawny, white Jewish kid 6 years younger than her, it clearly wasn't happening (don't get your hopes up...this isn't where the story's going).
A few weeks earlier, one of my friends in school told me he read a story on CNN about how swallowing semen actually reduces a woman's chances of getting breast cancer by 33%. Being the dumbass 8th grader that I was, of course I believed him and found this statistic absolutely fascinating.
Back to the Seder. It was someone's bright idea to leave an entire bottle of red wine at the kid's table for me, the college-aged babysitter, and my young cousins who obviously aren't touching it. So naturally, I decide that it is my obligation to drink at least some of this bottle...and nobody is checking on me to make sure I'm not drinking too much...except for Amy.
Fast forward a few cups. I must have been doing something funny at the table, because at this point I've drunk about 3 full cups of wine (at 14 years old, small kid, with minimal food in my stomach other than some excellent unleavened bread)...and looking back on it, Amy started egging me on, because who doesn't love watching a 14 year old get wasted for the first time in front of his entire family? And being the mindless little 14 year old that I was, I wanted to impress her. Up to now, you think everything's going fine, this cute college girl is laughing at me getting drunk, and I'm finding some entertainment while listening to my family discuss the entire retelling of the Exodus. Awesome.
After the majority of the bottle of wine has been finished by me, myself, and I, the fuck up starts to happen. My mother's friend was sitting next to me at the other table...close enough to hear me if I spoke to her. I decide that I should tell her, and subsequently my whole family, about the incredible article my friend had told me he read on CNN about how swallowing semen reduces the risk of breast cancer. Since by this point I'm hammered (but had no idea since I was 14), this seems like completely socially acceptable conversation to have, and absolutely nothing seems wrong with it. Wonderful. I wake up the next day feeling a little off, and of course had no idea that I was quite hungover. Anyway, since I didn't realize I was drunk the night before, and since nobody called me out on all the shit I was spewing, I didn't think anything of it and just moved on with my life.
Fast forward to my college years. I still come home every year for the Passover Seder, and now that I have such a robust knowledge of drinking from countless parties, I'd love to get a nice tips going at the Passover Seder...and even better, unlike my 14 year old self, I now know my limits. I have a glass or 2, and my mother's friend (same one as before), makes a bit of a snarky comment to me that could have maybe possibly related to the Passover when i was 14 and talked about semen and breast cancer. I didn't think anything of it and just kept eating.
The next day, I was thinking about what she said. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I realized it was a very clear reference to that time when I was 14. I thought about it, and I thought to myself, "I couldn't possibly have been that stupid, right?" I guess I didn't think it was wrong when I was 14, so I didn't think anything of it. Then I had random memories of it, and assumed that it was just a dream because I would never do something as stupid as that. Well reddit, I did, and my mom's friend loves making fun of me for it now that I am finally over 21. TIFU.
TL;DR TIFU by drinking too much wine and telling my whole family how swallowing semen reduces the risk of breast cancer in women.
soxordie: Don't you dare say anything bad about Gefilte fish. Gefilte fish is amazing.
Jendoren: The grocery store I work at had that stuff out for a while at the front end, free for the taking. Every one of us looked at it and said that stuff looks VILE.
soxordie: It's delicious. Just trust me.
piercedarachne: [Relevant](http://youtu.be/SqYGGqTC_Us)
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1412102727 | 1412105239 | t3_2hwxhn | t5_2to41 | 5 | njdiver: TIFU by smashing my head through the wall while drunkenly looking for a condom
Okay, so this didn't happen today, but rather last winter. I was invited by a girl I bad been hooking up with from time to time to go up to her aunts log cabin in Vermont for a snowboard trip. There was 5 other girls going and only one other guy whom had a girlfriend. Seeing that the single girl to single guy ratio was pretty high, why not bring condoms?
This was a 4 night trip and for the first 3 nights I slept in the living room in front of the fireplace on a mattress that sat only 6 inches off the floor. This is important to the story.
For those 3 nights, I had been sleeping next to another girl that I had been snowboarding with the most often. I was attracted to her and I felt that she was into me as well. We had no sexual interactions for the first 3 nights. So on the last night, the original girl who invited me to the house, decided she wanted to sleep in front of the fireplace because it was a ritual for her to sleep there one night each trip. No problem. So girl #2 and I were to sleep in the upstairs room which had a nice bed.
So on this last night, we had been drinking at a local bar and I had a little extra money to be spent, so I got a bit more drunk than I had been in a while. We get back to the house and after a few more beers we decided to call it a night. As girl #2 and I stumble into bed, she kisses me. I had no problem with this. Things get a little intense and she tells me that she wants to have sex. Being drunk and horny, I spring up and backpedal off the bed. Since I had been sleeping on the floor the past few nights, I did not foresee falling off the bed. I came crashing down head first into the sheetrock next to the bed. I made a gigantic hole in the wall. Turns out this was girl #1's aunts bedroom. My first thought was to hide the hole and not mention it because there was no hardware store within miles. So I moved one of the pictures that Was hanging up in the room over the hole..which was one foot off the ground...drunk me thought I was golden.
So fast forward to the next morning,
Girl #2 and I are having morning sex and girl #1 comes barging into the room freaking out. These were her words:
"You have got to be fucking kidding me, we can all hear the Damn bed creaking downstairs and we're trying to eat breakfast. get these tainted sheets off this bed and into the washing machine. And what the hell was that noise last night? Did you break something? Why is there a picture down here? Did you..what the fuck?! Are you serious?! You know what? You guys can cook your own fucking breakfast for all I care."
She then proceeds to storm out of the room while we are both laying there naked and hung over. Turns out she had some feelings for me and I had no idea. So after this trip, girl #1 never talked to me again and I had to send her aunt money to fix the wall. All in all, was a good trip though. 9/10 would do again
TL;DR: drunkenly fell off the bed looking for a condom and smashed a huge hole in the wall with my head and lost a friend over it
DinnerBlasterX: TL;DR instructions unclear, head stuck in wall.
njdiver: It appears I may have some brain damage from that doozy. I'll edit one, thanks!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412118474 | 1412157911 | t3_2hx0xl | t5_2to41 | 18 | boxesareboxxy: And thats why you're miserable, son.
Franco_DeMayo: You deleted some shit quick. I got to read it from my inbox, though. Why backpedal now? Stick to your guns. You obviously feel strongly about it. Plus, the homophobic stuff you deleted really offered a more rounded portrait of you as both a person and a dickhead of monumental proportions.
boxesareboxxy: Why are you replying this to me? I haven't deleted anything.
Franco_DeMayo: Sorry about that. It was meant for the asshole above you. Not sure how I screwed that one up. Again, my apologies.
boxesareboxxy: No prob man, I thought that was it..
Franco_DeMayo: I do apologize again, though. That animosity should not have sullied your inbox. Dude just hit a nerve when he went all homophobic without the slightest provocation. There's only two things I hate in this world; People who are intolerant of other people's lifestyles, and *that guy*.
If anybody would like to give that dude the *blue* hug of death, I certainly would not object...
boxesareboxxy: Just sucks to see that people like that still exist. I can't respect peoples opinions when their opinions are discriminative.
But I don't really blame him, sounds like he just had a horrible childhood/life so far.
Franco_DeMayo: I try to think of it like that and be understanding; but honestly? I'm a semi-reformed douchebag. I still fly off the handle at times. I just try to be the lesser of the two evils, lol.
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1409707994 | 1409756474 | t3_2fbe0p | t5_2to41 | 22 | massivechicken: TIFU by wrestling with my whippet
I got home from work and got changed into tracksuit pants for the gym. Before I go I like to wrestle with my 5 year old whippet, Norman. We were going at it with my wife and son watching and laughing. At some point I was face down on the carpet and he was nipping at my ankles, making me laugh. It was all good until suddenly I felt a clawing at my anus, and as I attempted to get up on all fours, I felt my pants being ripped down with ferocious precision. I couldn't believe how quickly it happened. Guffaws of laughter ensued from my 4 year old son, overlaid with a horrified noise from my wife, as I felt myself being mounted. I clenched my arse and yelped as I felt SOMETHING touch my cheeks. Was later informed that his lipstick was out.
Tl;dr I nearly got raped by my whippet and unsure of what psychological impact this will have on my son.
dam1985: **Who's the bitch now?!!!**
dam1985: This isn't really a TIFU
It should be a TIGF - Today, I Got Fucked
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1409707092 | 1409709893 | t3_2fbcki | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by cutting ties with my best friend
I heard from a friend that she told them about something I didn't want shared. It turns out that she may not have done that and I cut off ties with her for no reason. Pathetically, I begged for her to my friend again right after being an ass to her about the gossiping thing I mentioned but after a while I just texted her "I won't be bothering you anymore."
I can't really text her anymore. She was my friend, a person I really valued and enjoying her company. To be honest, she was one of my only friends. We used to hang out every day after school and shared a lot with each other.
Now I have nothing and I feel like fucking shit. What can I do to fix this? Can I even try anything after telling her I wouldn't bother her anymore?
benjiztar: Sorry to hear that you feel like you have nothing. Not going to sugarcoat it though, you kinda did fuck up massively because you broke her trust. It also sounds like you were a yoyo of emotion towards her. Best thing you can do is take a step back and see whether she does want to be friends again.
PM_ME_UR_TITHES: Seconding this. If a so-called "best friend" would totally cut ties with me over the word of someone else, I would be fucking pissed. I'm not saying it's unforgivable, but I don't think I could forgive it. Knowing that the person trusted a liar over me is just something that I don't think I could recover from.
OP, you massively fucked up. If I were you I would start hoping/praying/whatever you think might help that your friend is a kind and forgiving person- that you will owe a massive debt to if she forgives you for this.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409709522 | 1409734472 | t3_2fbgfz | t5_2to41 | 232 | sudsu: TIFU by petting my cat
One rainy morning i wake up at about 4am cause my cat had just noisily landed in my bed and was doing her whole purring and fawning for attention thing, i try my best to ignore her so she'll let me sleep and eventually she does settle and quietly lay beside me.
After a a few moments i reach out to pet her, "gee you must have been out there a long time" I thought, "your fur's in terrible condition", it was all wet and nasty and matted. So i pet her a little and my hand hits this huge even more wet spot on the cat, at this point i'm like "wtf is going on here?" so i reach up with my other hand to turn on my lamp and see just what's what.
My cat is on the floor, gazing contentedly at me, and in my bed, snuggled up against me is one of the biggest half eviscerated rats I've ever seen (probably looked bigger at the time 'cause it was right beside my FAAAAAACCCEEE). I had managed to place my hand neatly into the mess of blood and organs where it's lower half had previously been
I just screamed and ran straight to the shower, never used those bed sheets again, and i would have thrown out the mattress too if getting a new one wasn't such a hassle.
TL;DR tried to pet my cat, shoved my hand into a dead rat
CocoLeFleur: Your cat brings you a snack, and you run away screaming? Next time, show some appreciation.
Sozaiix3: Pat your cat and then run away
| 3 | 77.333333 | |
1412089963 | 1412117966 | t3_2hw8x5 | t5_2to41 | 17 | peoplehelper: TIFU by calling my future anatomy teacher mediocre
First of all, I'm not English native, so please excuse my errors.
Secondly, I was invited yesterday at a party. It was the birthday of the boss of my girlfriend. She is working part time at the biggest private hospital around and, obviously, all the other guests were doctors, professors etc
I was talking about my intentions to pursue a career in Medicine with one of the guests (who happened to be an anatomy teacher) when I started to sneeze real hard. After sneezing for several times, one of the doctors asked me if I had some sort of allergy. I wanted to impress him and told him while looking him straight in the eyes that I was allergic to mediocrity.
Obviously, I started to laugh real hard when I realisez what I had just said, but some of the other guests weren't exactly amused.
TL DR: started to sneeze, called everybody, including my future anatomy teacher, at the table <<mediocre>>.
willflungpoo: It's a funny joke, and go right ahead and laugh, just make sure that they know you were only kidding.
peoplehelper: But it was a mistake. I did not want to insult them. I just wanted to impress them... but things did not go according to my plan. Had i not sneezed, the answer wouldn t have been rude at all.
willflungpoo: Fair enough
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1409710146 | 1410115612 | t3_2fbhh7 | t5_2to41 | 140 | Pick234: TIFU by sucking my own breast
After seeing a few posts of breast sucking I thought ....
Hmm I'd really like to feel my breast getting sucked...
Is also like to see what it felt like to suck a breast....
Needless to say ..
Sweaty man boob is never nice to suck.. Even if it's your own.
mrdoubleq: Is there a leaked photo of you doing this?
Pick234: Yes.. I'm actually kate upton it's leaked photo number 7.. I swear
impulsiveboner: dude where can I find those leaked photos?
umop_episdn_: /r/thefappening
impulsiveboner: Thank you just found them but Jennifer Lawrence looks very ugly in all of them. Or may be only I find her creepy as hell when she gives a smile.
| 6 | 23.333333 | |
1409710769 | 1409781170 | t3_2fbiht | t5_2to41 | 18 | AlphaDuckling: TIFU by almost gassing myself to death (or at least poor health)
Backstory: I live in the basement at my parents place. Lost my job in another state and had to move back for now.
So there's a drain for the washing machine in the middle of the floor. I use it to pee, because going upstairs will usually wake up my parents. Anyways just a short while ago i peed in it. I assume it has an S-bend cause sometimes i can smell it for a while after i pee. So this time i poured a little bleach directly afterwards to keep the trapped pee from smelling. Well i hadnt peed all day and ammonia plus bleach ... you know. I smelled a strangely familiar chem reaction and immediately knew what it was. One and two clicked so i already knew what happend. I've smelt this before when my sister used multiple chems to clean the tub when i was younger, and from all the cleaners i used to used to clean my room back when I was enlisted. I ended up just starting some laundry and using a cup to catch the washing machine water and run it down the drain. Now im just waiting for the washing machine to enter spin cycle and clear the rest. So far so good.
TL;DR: I pissed in a drain and chased it with bleach. The ammonia and bleach didnt get along too well.
Edit 1: wierd formatting happended, like newspaper formatting or something.
Edit 2: Now that i think of it i've been peeing in there for the last 2 days and no one has done laundry yet ....
uteruinestench: I came here for flatulence and was disappointed.
rabbitfoot409: i had to come here to comment on your post you made, it was just so horrendous. you are dirty brown water trash. that is an absolute abomination! how the FUCK to you forget something like that?!? you get what you deserve. God that is just sick! I'm nominating you for a Darwin award! please don't procreate!
[deleted]: LOL
CaptainExtermination: Ha. Well, she is kinda nasty.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1409710416 | 1409712170 | t3_2fbhxg | t5_2to41 | 9 | Thirdplaceamctest: TIFU by recycling
I just got done doing homework a bit ago and I decided to get a glass of milk because I was pretty thirsty. I'm not much of a recycler but my sister is crazy into it so I thought I might as well recycle the now-finished milk jug. I washed it out, and there was a box on top of our recycling bin/basket. I picked it up and the box was put together VERY poorly and unfolded and I dropped it. My sister's 30th birthday is in a few days and that was a cake that a friend of the family had gotten for her. I tried to catch it but to no avail.
So I'm standing there, looking at the box on the kitchen floor. I lift up the recycling lid of the recycling bin, drop the jug in there, pick the box up and look in it. It's smushed big time. Now she had already seen it so it's kind of better, but also worse. There were also a few pieces missing but still, oops. So I put a note on it that said "sorry, I was recycling" and left it to be...
Who puts a cake on top of the recycle bin...?
TL;DR: Recycling can hurt someone. Cake fell, milk jug recycled.
edit: [kitchen diagram](http://i.imgur.com/BGZr40j.jpg) because recycling isn't next to the trash. Really unnecessary.
mealymouthmongolian: Yeah, not really your fault. Shouldn't keep cake near garbage.
Thirdplaceamctest: The garbage isn't next to the recycling, but still an odd place to put it. I could show a diagram.
mealymouthmongolian: But, recycling *is* garbage.
Thirdplaceamctest: Thanks for reminding me trash day is tomorrow!
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1409703597 | 1409800435 | t3_2fb6t2 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a zombie preparedness plan.
Obligatory long time lurker, first time poster, etc.
So, like most on this subreddit, my FU happened a few years back, but still I cringe at it every once in a while. I went to a private middle school, and I heard about all these awesome Model U.N. programs. Wanting to do this, I went around as a tiny little sixth grader and collected signatures to gauge general interest. I collected a decent amount of them, so my proposal was approved by the school, and bam, we had Model U.N.
The next year, as a 7th grader, Model U.N. started. And, man, was it fun. For me. And no one else. I liked all the extra work and writing papers and such. I didn't really mind any of it. However, everyone else did. They would complain loudly and in to teachers about how much WORK they had for one hour, one day a week, for what essentially amounted to 1/2 of the year. There wasn't even any homework! Well, whatever. I got a good experience out of it, and I learned a lot about Nigeria. I know waaaayy to much about Nigerian political structure to be useful for a high schooler in rural New England.
The really fun part of the class for everyone, however, was the trip to New York. We got to share rooms, and better yet, our chaperon went to the bar and got drunk every night, so we pretty much had the cushy rooms to ourselves. We got to eat really good Mexican, and discuss fun stuff like how to solve a fictitious Syrian water crisis. The ballrooms where we were were big and comfortable, and better yet, they said that if we solved this problem, we would get a special one.
So on the third or second to last day, we finished the water crisis and were given the awesome task of making a plan for a zombie apocalypse. FUCK YEAH! I loved zombies. So, since everything was done and over with, I thought that this would be more light-hearted. So, near the beginning of the planning stage, I sauntered up to the podium, got on the mic, and said, and I quote, "People, we need to be prepared. We must air-lift in Southerners armed with crossbows. It is *empirical* that they be named Darryl!" I looked around. Dead silence. Then, it began to dawn on me. NO ONE HAD SEEN THE WALKING DEAD. *fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...* To make it worse, some students from the South were there. They walked up to me afterwards and said, "You're the guy with the hicks armed with crossbows, right?" I tried to explain myself, but they wouldn't have it. The most I could muster was a small, "Sorry!"
But, Reddit, that was not the FU. That was the tip of the FU iceberg that sank the Titanic. That was the calm before the FU storm.
So, people forgot about the Walking Dead reference, and I eventually ended up spearheading the plan that was eventually brought to a big assembly with all the students. I was so proud of myself. South Africa and I had written the most official zombie preparedness plan that I had ever seen. So the last day while someone was speaking at the podium, this lady walks up to me and says, "You're going to present the plan with South Africa tomorrow in front of the assembly. Just write one or two sentences that demonstrate it." So, armed with confidence, I jotted down a couple of sentences, stuck them in my breast pocket, and forgot about them.
The next day, we went to the actual U.N. building, sat in actual U.N. seats, and got to press actual U.N. buttons. I was most excited about the buttons. So, we worked through all the people that had plans. Man, there are a lot, I remember thinking to myself. But, on top of that, I began to notice a disturbing trend. All of the students, ALL OF THEM, were reading at least a page each. They were going over every single point in their plan in minute detail. Oh, fuck. I took my measly strip of paper out of my breast pocket and read it over. OH FUCK.
So, when it finally got to me, I spoke these words into the microphone. "Our plan involves isolating the zombies within walls, therefore keeping the uninfected safe. We will also air-drop supplies so as not to risk infecting foot-soldiers." That was all I had written, that was all I had read. In front of U.N. officials. In front of 3,000+ of my peers. The room went silent for 5 seconds. 6. 7. 8. 1,000,000. Finally, South Africa picked up on my messages and read his part. He had written at least a page. I shrank into my seat. My teacher looked at me disapprovingly. My friends looked embarrassed.
After walking out of the U.N. building, everyone rubbed it in. "We didn't know you had finished, so we all just sat there," one of my friends said. "You know, KennethEllen, you really shouldn't have used the Z-Word," my teacher clucked. My head was hung down low as we were walking down the sidewalk. I had represented my school in front of thousands of other students. And I had failed. You win, Model U.N.. You win.
TL;DR: Now we know why they don't say "zombie" in movies. The U.N. might send them a strongly worded letter.
MiddleNI: Why shouldn't you say zombie?
KennethEllen: Because reasons?
MiddleNI: Which reasons?
It says "You know, KennethEllen, you really shouldn't have used the Z-Word,"
I believe this implies you shouldn't use it, though english is not my first language so I don't know.
KennethEllen: That's just an expression in the U.S. (and maybe other English speaking countries,) which basically means: I have no fucking clue and I believe that it's dumb as well.
MiddleNI: Ok.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1409714670 | 1409715111 | t3_2fbohx | t5_2to41 | 7 | HeavyNinja17: TIFU by asking a priest if he wanted some peanut butter
Ok so like every other post this happened 4 years ago, right as I was entering high school.
My friends and I were at a Christian camp a couple weeks before school started. It was like an adventure camp (we did paintball, mountain biking, rock climbing, etc) with a little bit of spirituality every night. So one day my camp counselor took my group to ride our bikes down the road of the camp to go to the local ice cream store. At this store, they have a challenge called "The Mudslide". Basically if you can eat 8 scoops of ice cream you get your picture on the board. My friends and I decided we would try it, so we picked out a bunch of flavors, including peanut butter.
This is where I fucked up. We were going to town on this bad boy, and I was really starting to feel the ice cream pile up in my stomach. Towards the bottom of the bowl is a giant piece of frozen peanut butter, probably 3 in x 1 in. As my friends and I were debating who had to eat that behemoth of nut cream, our camp counselor introduces us to this man. My counselor said this guy was a guest speaker at the camp the week before, and his name was "Father [name]". I, being the good boy I was, decided to ask him if he wanted the last piece of peanut butter. My brain, on the other hand, made me say, "Hey Father, do you want the last of our penis butter?".
Luckily he laughed it off, but the entire camp found out and that sucked.
TL;DR- asked a priest if he wants some of my penis butter, didn't get molested
[deleted]: Well, did you do it? Did he eat it?
HeavyNinja17: Haha no, he "didn't like sweet things". Guess I wasn't good looking enough for him
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409714001 | 1409715875 | t3_2fbnie | t5_2to41 | 7 | entropy26: TIFU by staying home from work.
This happened maybe a year and a half ago when I was working at a job just after I graduated from college. I'm living at home with my parents and as anyone who's done the same can tell you, it's amazing to just have the house to yourself! So one day I decided I would call in to work and just spend the day around the house relaxing.
Now usually I get home before my parents so it was no big deal to just be home all day and nobody would be the wiser. I was incredibly surprised when I heard the front door open about 3 hours earlier than expected when I should have still been at work. I could have just said that I took the day off. I SHOULD have just said that I took the day off. However what I decided to do was jump up from my chair and hide in my room.
As I heard my dad come up the stairs I didn't know what I was doing. I hid between my dresser and closet so he couldn't see from my door. I heard him peek into my room and then before I knew it I was hiding in my room wondering what the hell I was going to do. I'd gone to far to just pop out and say whats up now!
After I'd been hiding about 45 minutes I figured I'd wait until it was time for me to come home from work and then I would sneak downstairs and act as if I just got home. Easy. Ultimately this is what I did but in the hours I waited for this to happen I heard...things... As I'm chilling in my room all of a sudden I hear moans...woman's moans. Comprehension struck and I felt the color drain from my face as I realized that my father was watching porn! I inched towards my door and peeked around the corner to where my dad was sitting at his computer and there I saw him actually watching some woman getting dicked down. Before I saw anything I would have REALLY regret I slunk back into my room and tried to think of ANYTHING else to get what I was hearing off my mind. Fucking gross.
TL;DR: I stayed home from work and accidentally overheard my father watching porn and probably fapping.
[deleted]: So how does the old man beat the meat?
Both feet touching double fist? Reach around? Stranger.
You can tell ALOT about a man with his rituals to milking the worm.
entropy26: I didn't actually see him going at it per se (thank god) but it kind of scares me to think that maybe he was just WATCHING the porn for like half an hour and didn't even jerk it. That would be even weirder to me!
[deleted]: Lol
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411532994 | 1411621123 | t3_2haudj | t5_2to41 | 72 | [deleted]: TIFU by having unrestricted all night sex with 2 women on a work night in my bosses house (while my employee slept in the room nearby)
I travel for work and found myself in a new city with a new drinking buddy and on our first friday night decided to go out and see what the town had to offer.
We pre-gamed for a bit and then walked to a couple of local bars and just played it cool. We are both heavy drinkers and there might have been some long islands and shots involved. But we walked so all was good. We even stopped on the way to the bar and got a card from a taxi in case we couldn't walk home.
Fast forward. I have vague memories of what happened over the next 5 hours but mostly it hit me when I woke up at 7 to be at work by 8.
I woke up to a pair of panties on the frame of the bed and gave myself an internal high-five even though I remembered almost nothing at all. Mission accomplished.
About this time I realized I was still drunk. And I am in charge of about 15 employees and can't just call out. Then I walked into the bathroom and realized I had bite marks and hickeys all over my neck. Oh wait, and my nipples. My dear tender nipples.
I checked my phone and realized I had still been up after 4am with the girl I met at the bar (vague memories) and knew I was in for a long day.
So I showered in vain hoping it would sober me up and used effusive amounts of eye drops and drank 3 bottles of water for breakfast. Still very drunk (still getting drunker?).
I am currently staying at my bosses house and one of my (female) employees is staying in another room. When I saw her at breakfast I got paranoid remembering how thin the walls are and asked her "if she slept okay" in my most non-chalant voice. She replied yes, fine. *Whew*
Fast forward 2 days to today.
I go out for drinks with several employees and come back to the house with my housemate and the friend I went drinking with. And the truth comes out. Turns out I completely woke her up by being drunk and disorderly and she heard every second of every thrust in complete horror. AND it turns out there wasn't 1 girl but 2 and I took turns having wild monkey sex with them to her complete disgust. She described the sounds we made all night till 4am and mentioned how surprised she was that I kept swapping them out at my leisure. And I remember nothing. Nothing!
I just learned of this 30 minutes ago and now live in complete shame. Oh did I mention I texted my boss unknowingly at 4am bragging about it? tifu...
For-Saix: Having sex aint a fuck up. Getting really tired of the sex fu's
Rolder: Not so much the sex, it's the sex in the bosses house, and the drunken text to said boss bragging about it.
chiveon4: It's allll liessssssss, just some guy wishing he had a threesome...if you're blacked out enough not to remember a second of that, I promise you weren't having sex
tobobo36: You obviously haven't drunk enough to know how much you can actually forget about a night when you drink an insane amount.
DDYLK: It's not even that people forget things when they drink too much, it's that alcohol eventually makes our brains stop even recording to begin with.
tobobo36: Alcohol's pretty rediculous, as in after learning about what it does to your body It seems pretty crazy to actually put it in your body.
DDYLK: I think that's why, as we get older, we drink to enjoy beer or alcohol rather than use it to get done fucked up.
tobobo36: true dat.
| 9 | 8 | |
1412107026 | 1412108376 | t3_2hx60h | t5_2to41 | 5 | throwaway-wtfdid-ido: TIFU by masturbating at a school. [NSFW]
Throwaway because I can't breathe right now that's so fucked I am.
So I work part time at my high school school from which I graduated 2 years ago. I work evenings, and so after work (8:30pm) I am usually the last person there.
So this all started last week, when I was getting a nice feeling in my pants. There is path in the front of the school which leads to a field. This path is partly covered with trees and there are benches on the path overlooking the field.
The path is quite dark at night, so I do what seemed the best decision; I dropped my pants and went wild under the night sky. What a great ending that was.
Fast forward to tonight, I do it again. This time, I try something different and try to fuck the bench (difficult and not that nice) and I moan while wanking (no one can hear me, obviously, I'm alone).
Then, as I am about to cum, a car pulls up in front of the school and someone gets in to the car.
WTF WTF WTF!!!
I go to the front and check what they could have seen, and realize that they have a full view of every single thing I was doing!! Someone from the had been watching me the whole time and they could see exactly what I was doing. This person is more likely than not in the high school!
I can't stop thinking about what will happen! Will he tell anyone, did he record it...?? I am so fucked!
CamiCastel2: How does one fuck a bench?
Danotto94: Probably, by sandwiching the male part, between the bench, and the palm of the hand.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409716753 | 1409720755 | t3_2fbrlb | t5_2to41 | 38 | minnelol: TIFU by getting a prospective client detained by the police
So this was a few years ago, but in a previous job we had these emergency transponder silent alarms where you press the button and it alerts the police there was trouble and that you were in danger and could not reach the phone. So as a joke, I made this one day to put on my boss's door:
http://imgur.com/0dzf22F
My boss's office is in the 'inner perimeter' of the business, and customers are not supposed to get out of the front lobby. Well somehow they did, and when we were out to lunch a prospective client somehow got past the lobby, into the back offices, and tried to 'ring' by boss but instead told the police there was a dangerous intruder. Well we got back to see the client and his assistant in cuffs, in the lobby, being questioned by police. Unfortunately they didn't have the same sense of humor as I did and they become not clients awfully quickly. Fortunately, my boss was a funny guy and laughed it off and told me to find other clients to make up for it.
tl;dr: I accidentally tricked people into pressing a silent alarm button and they weren't entertained by the handcuffs.
BladeMonkey: What were they doing just walking into the back offices? Doesn't seem like a place someone should just wander.
minnelol: To this day we don't know how they got back there. The door from the lobby was locked.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1409718204 | 1409719822 | t3_2fbtqn | t5_2to41 | 6 | Ambinevolence: TIFU by working out in boxers
I went to the gym on short notice today - just threw on some random shorts, grabbed a T-shirt, and flew out the door. When I got there I decided to do a 40-minute 10mph elliptical jaunt. A little bit more intense than I'm used to since I wasn't going to do any lifting, but nothing impossible. It wasn't until I finished that I noticed the EXCRUCIATING pain in my testicles. I ran to the bathroom and vomited a few times while my brain tried to make sense of what was going on. Then it dawned on me; my boys had been bouncing and banging around the whole time because I was wearing loose underwear and shorts.
Four hours later and my balls STILL feel as if they were batted around like a cat toy. Now I understand why women wear sports bras. Going to make sure to secure the 'ol beanbag a bit better from now on :(
EDIT: Update for the concerned... the pain has subsided (after 11 hours) so it's definitely not torsion. My testiclites no longer makes a sound like thees *jingle*
OutstandinglyAverage: So, uh, there's this thing called testicular torsion. Google it.
RustyShackleford11: Yeah man you might want to get that checked out.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409719460 | 1409728293 | t3_2fbvg0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my best friend i was gay.
I had a really really good friend from last year, he was homophobic as hell. we split and went to different schools so in my head i thought "fuck it." and told him i was gay. He was pretty surprised, and told me if i touch him he'll break my face. I fucked with him and told him that i thought he was hot. This made him really upset, i told him i was joking but he just stop responding. I honestly thought he was going to be like whatever and play it off, but no.
Friendship over. :(
Lex_Espi: fuck him
idamnedit: Not literally right? Because that would be rape.
Lex_Espi: well.. op IS gay...
idamnedit: yes but he friend showed no interest. thus then forced sex, rape.
| 5 | 1.6 |
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