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1410135050 | 1412027844 | t3_2frh4i | t5_2to41 | 75 | joshwazhere7: TIFU by starting a cult of computer playing gamers at my school
This has been in the building for some time now, but it has finally escalated to the point where I can no longer control it. It all began before the release of the new consoles. I threw out the idea that I, along with the rest of my friends, should all build gaming computers instead of buying a console. Of course, my idea was heavily ridiculed. We all bought the xbox one or ps4 and life continued on. A few short months ago the tide had turned. It started with one good friend of mine, who decided he wanted to build a computer. Me, being the "smart one" out of my friend group, was rather skilled in the art of computer usage and programming, but never attempted to build one. After a solid week of research, I had learned how to build one and engineered a parts list for my friend. A few hundred dollars later, he had a new computer built by yours truly. I thought this might be the end, but it had only just began. My friend began treating his PC essentially like a god. His life revolved around it. My other friends soon decided they wanted to build a PC as well, and I was hired once again to do what I do best. I built 5 computers total. They were absolutely beautiful and were the pinnacle of my life's achievements. All was well for a short period of time, then things took a rather dark turn. Arguments would break out between my friends and other people about PC versus console. Arguments were a relatively common problem among my friends due to their quick to anger personalities. In a few short weeks, it escalated to the point of my friends getting into actual fights with other console gamers. Actual fights. Occasional acts of vandalism. I never took part in it, due to me being the rational one. It was at that point that I stopped building computers in my school. Unfortunately, the collaboration of my friends was enough for them to learn how. They took over my mini business and began building computers for other students. All those who built computers became extremely hostile towards others. This was no longer just a group of gamers, this was a cult. They would beat up (and even hospitalize on one occasion) people who didn't align with their belief. I pretty much stopped gaming in general, but the PC cult continues to grow. There is 20-30 people in it now, I believe. I have created a large group of ignorant gamers with no regards to their safety. Recently, they have stepped outside the idea of PC gaming and all work as one unit, so to speak. If someone feels threatened by a person outside of the group, the group goes after that person. This all began with the simple dream of building a PC, but has escalated far past that point.
TL;DR: Built computers for my friends, they took offense to console gamers, violence breaks out, they build more computers, all in the computer gaming group begin a cult
JustGlow: PC the master race
Nerdlandia: Yep your right.... wait a minute not even close. If you were a master race (speaking of PC gamers) don't you think you would get more than 1 triple A title released this year. Yep you got GTA 5.... so long after we did on consoles that we all stopped playing it and moved on to bigger and better things. We got Destiny, The Last Of Us, DUST 514 (which is free no less), Infamous: Second Son, Killzone Shadow Fall, Dead Rising 3, Forza Horizon 2, Killer Instinct and the list goes on and on of games your never going to play.
Enjoy your MMO's (you know that everyone thinks WOW players are losers right) and indie games. Ill just keep enjoying all my consoles with real games, with actual content. You are aware of course (because you all so smart and ripped every single PC game ever made) that most developers will not even consider making PC copies of their games anymore. So those fancy video cards you have (that cost more than my PS4 or Xbone both of which stat wise are probably not to far off your super fancy video card) are useless. Those fancy cases you have, look awesome, but are useless. That awesome amount of money you spend on your useless hardware you could have spend on both a PS4 and Xbone and a bunch of real games. Hope you still feel like a master race.... while we all laugh at how dumb you are.
blue77904: Damn your such a fan boy xD.
Your so blind and don't know what your talking about... just stop.
If you did your research, you would see how shit console specs are becoming, since they can't even run new games like Witcher 3 at 1080p, and they lag on Battlefield 4 when something like a big explosion goes off. Do research please, I just had to reply to this.. and no I'm not a fanboy, just have experienced both sides and know facts.
EDIT: Fixed auto correct error.
Nerdlandia: Ummm... so I take it 1 you have no idea what your talking about and 2. happy for you to call me a fanboy if that means I actually get to play good games.
On now to your points. So you have 2 titles you can point out. 2. Yep that's awesome. Firstly The Witcher 3 is coming out on Xbox One so there goes that point. Secondly I take it you haven't actually played BattleField on a console because it actually runs very smoothly on both the Xbox 360 and PS3.... so your kinda completely wrong there also. Shame you really have no idea what your talking about.
Onto specs. Developers (other than one or two) are making games these days specifically for consoles, not like they used to do where they made games for PC then down scales the content to fit onto consoles. For instance Call Of Duty Black Ops 2. Doesn't matter how good your fancy expensive video card is its locked to console settings.... ohhhh that's a shame.
Now onto actual games. So you have The Witcher 3 coming up. Hope you enjoy that on consoles we have so many titles coming up that are exclusive that you will never get the chance to play I can not even list them all here without taking up the whole tread. So enjoy your 1 games or the indie crap you can buy off steam, or the games that are so old no one gives a shit when the next steam sale comes up.
If you want me to stop prove me wrong.... wait you can't do that because the facts really don't work in your favour. But that's ok you can have a knee jerk reaction just like all the other PC FANBOYS who keep saying how good they are when deep down you know your just nothing but a joke anymore. Enjoy playing MMO's..... BTW when is Destiny coming out for PC ?? Wait that's right the date hasn't even been announced. At this point the most anticipated game of 2014 still "might only possibly" get a PC release some time in the future. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Another Triple A games you clowns wont get your hands on.
So enjoy your expensive hardware Ill just take my less expensive, probably better anyway spec wise, with a better range of games (you know because they actually release games for it) and bigger screen (60 inch true HD tv bitch) more comfortable to use, more fun CONSOLES any day of the week.
If that makes me a fanboy so be it at least I can actually make my points with facts and not just a knee jerk reaction and bullshit :).
Best of luck with your PC..........
blue77904: I know this is late, but i can't just not reply to this.
1: Witcher 3, and most games coming out after that, will not be able to run at 1080p ON CONSOLE.
2: Next gen won't run 4k until new consoles come out.
3: Name the exclusives that are good please. And destiny? Lol.
4: I typed a 4 line paragraph replying to you and you typed a SECOND book and then called me a fanboy.
5: Better range of games? Oh really? Learn your facts there bud.
6: What other triple A games have come out that we haven't really gotten to see?
7: You say "Enjoy playing MMO's!", when Destiny is an MMO.
8: "60 inch true HD tv bitch" You can hook up a 4k 60 inch tv, or a normal "true HD" tv to pc.
90% of you're argument is out of your ass.
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1412027726 | 1412109049 | t3_2htvcl | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally cumming on my sleeping wife's face!
This actually happened on Thursday! We got married on Thursday we were getting frisky on our wedding night foreplay went well then we started getting more intimate and I could tell my new wife was tired we slowed down abit and continued with some foreplay she was giving me a hand job I was almost at breaking point and she fell asleep, I figured I'd let her sleep but finish my self off in the bathroom but as I go to stand it happened and each and every last drop lands perfectly over her face hair and neck... She doesn't wake up.. I panic and I lay down.. And pretend I didn't know and fall asleep. When I wake up in the morning she's already up, she has said nothing about it... What do I do?
***Update*** turns out today she knew it had happened as she apparently was not fully asleep but didn't mind it as was apparently on her "bucket list" she has however asked me to ask her in future...
[deleted]: If I ever had my partner fall asleep on me while getting laid on my wedding night, I would have to start thinking annulment or realize that I am super boring in the sack.
CreteDeus: Err, waking up at 5 AM on wedding day to the conclusion at 1 AM, all I wanted at that point was sleep. Can always make up all the sexy time during honeymoon.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411521701 | 1411580192 | t3_2habxa | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by using a condom I found in the bottom of my book bag
Before you judge, hear me out.
I'm always prepared for any situation that my arise. Every single man should be, it goes without saying. (remember this for later)
Anyway, I went out with my buddies to a party because I needed to get the fuck out and have a good time. I showed up to this party, which looked promising and began to infiltrate and strike up conversations with people. This is where it gets a little fuzzy. So my redneck mother fuckin friend makes moonshine. Some real shit right there. Before the party we picked up a small Gatorade bottle of it (you don't need much because satans piss will fuck you up in like 2 shots). What we didn't know is this batch was 175 proof... yea. WUT THE FUCK (didn't find out until afterwards).
I begin drinking and having a grand ole time, and then, out of nowhere, my primordial instincts kick in - I want some cat, and I want it now. I attempt to dismiss this feeling and continue because the party has been only going on for MAYBE an hour and a half at this point. Well, a little more time goes on and I meet this chick. Don't know her name, wheres shes from or anything, I still don't know but anyway, we start talking.
Shes all cool and shit as far as I can remember. I have another shot and this is where it all gets hazy.
I woke up in my bed with this chick, and I'm still drunk because moonshine. We're naked, and I'm drunk. So I realize we had sex. Obviously I'm like "fuck yeaaa..." and then the first thing that goes through my mind is "DID i WEAR A CONDOM?!" I check the bed, nothing, I check the floor, nothing. Finally I check the garbage and I see it in there, so at this point I'm like "phewww" BUT then I'm like, I didn't have any condoms last night! (this why i said remember the intro to this whole problem). I knew I was definitely too drunk to buy some, so I realize I had one in my backpack. I check and it's not there. At this point I realize my drunk ass managed to get it out... but when I looked at the wrapper, it had holes in it from thumb tacks that fell out!!!!!!
I'm basically shitting my pant at this point. "I got some random ass girl pregnant... holy shit fucking dick fuck". I immediately throw clothes on and tell her to stay here. Luckily a Walgreen's is like right around the corner. I pull up, run inside and buy some Plan B (it was really awkward because I was out of breath and I was like "can...*deep breath*..I please buy... *deep breath*... a Plan B pill please...*deep breath*.)
I get that shit, get home and tell her, "I'm super careful with everything so don't worry." and she goes "Ohh, thats good, a guy who goes the extra mile to make sure the girls okay:)" and then we talk, and she leaves.
I fucked up, I know, but hey, shit happens. Thought I'd share my fuck up.
tl;dr: almost got a random girl pregnant with a condom that had holes in it
ruudyx: Dude you should be more worried about contracting any STD's/STI's ...
b_coin: thats probably not going to happen. unless he is the chick in this story, then he should be very worried.
SpottedParsley: I don't know why people are downvoting what you said. It's true. It's really not that likely that he would catch anything if he used a condom, even if it had holes. Hell, even without a condom guys are less likely to catch anything from a girl than the other way around. Just think about which direction the fluids are going. That's what I've always been told in sex ed. I mean of course an undamaged condom is the safest, but he's probably fine. She should think about getting a check up though, just to be sure. I guess they both should, but really she has more reason to be concerned.
PlentyofFishinthePee: A lot of STDs can still be transmitted even with a working condom, actually. But most of the common vag-to-peen STDs are curable.
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1409619755 | 1409696219 | t3_2f7tcm | t5_2to41 | 29 | applecare69: TIFU by going to the apple store
This actually happened this weekend, but it was a pretty big fuck up.
I play tiny tower on my iPhone religiously, and my friend told me that there was a new Las Vegas version so I immediately downloaded it. As any minor OCD person would do I put them in a folder and didn't think about it. Later I was played xbox when my friend asked to use my phone, so I gave it to him and thought nothing of it.
The next day I had an appointment at apple to get my battery fixed. I went into the store, and had a nice muslim man help me with my phone issue. He was very friendly with me until at one point when he was scrolling through my apps. I wasn't sure what I did, but eventually I got my loner phone and went home.
As soon as I got home I plugged in my phone to restore the apps that I used to have. As soon as I saw the layout of my phone I realized my fuck-up. My friend thought it was funny to re-name the tiny tower folder to "Twin Towers" with the muslim man and bomb emoji at the end. The man at the apple store must have thought I was really fucked up...
[deleted]: Contrary to public belief, Muslims do not associate with 911 terrorists
spinnyspinnyspinny: No, but Americans associate the two and I'm sure this (likely) brown skinned guy has dealt with that misconception for the past 13 years.
AnonySeeb: Summed up my life for the past 13 years^^
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1411328297 | 1412045723 | t3_2h24fx | t5_2to41 | 14 | BigDaddyDASHI3: TIFU by making out with a Catholic girl
This happened today at around 2 AM...
It was the first party I managed to actually party at this year, being that I am usually a designated driver.
I met this cute Catholic girl, let's call her Hillary.
Things start off okay, I finally built up the courage to start making out with her. Now the kissing wasn't "kissing", it was what two drunk people would call making out. Basically a lot of excessive tongue and lip biting, but whatever -- it was still the most I have gotten in a month.
Things start getting hot and heavy in my friends living room. We were both undoing each others pants and I thought we were both really into it. I started foreplay on my end, and she was doing something with my johnson that I don't seem to remember out of bleak drunkeness.
"Should we head back to your place?" I asked, hoping my friend's living room floor wasn't my final rest stop for the night.
She gave no reply, but as I was about to kiss her again she pounced into the air and ran out the front door in what I thought was Mach 3.
*I just stood there* for a moment in a lapse of utter confusion. My pants around my thighs and an erection making itself visible in my briefs, like a ghost in a sheet.
**Now** I don't know exactly what happened. I knocked on my friends door (Let's call her Marie) and asked Marie what had just happened.
Marie told me about Hillary's devotion to Catholicism, and how she was planning on waiting for marriage to *get down*.
I have yet to hear from her, and I plan on apologizing for what happened when I see her next. I don't think I am in the wrong, neither of us are, but I think it was just a lack of communication at fault.
tl;dr: Haven't touched a girl in a month, finally do and I send her running out the front door in my confusion.
EDIT: Sorry I cannot specify her actual religion, I am pretty certain it is Catholicism.
harryschwandule: With a tongue like a view she could make you go wow
InfamousAnimal: with a tongue like a cow she could make you go wild-frank zappa?
harryschwandule: At least I tried
InfamousAnimal: Great song and I know how that goes you sometimes forget the words to songs especially if you dont hear them that often and zappa is not on the radio often anymore
harryschwandule: I just realized I said view lol.. damn autocorrect
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1409618517 | 1409633697 | t3_2f7rfx | t5_2to41 | 14 | NOT_ah_BOT: TIFU By having to0 much free time on my hands
As you all know, today is the second day of the Fappening. I could not believe my eyes yesterday with the Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton pics that were released.
Spending about two hours scouring the internet finding all of the real pictures that were released i decided to save them into a personal file, a spankbank if you would. I went on to name that file HOLY GRAIL. Now holy grail for the last 18 hours has sat right in the middle of my desktop.
Fast forward 30 minutes, me being single, decided it was time to Enjoy these treasures that were bestowed upon us. My old record for spanking it was 5 times in one day, and i was proud of that. Yesterday i broke that, and this is were the FU happens.
After about 5 hours of personal time with my computer i had spanked it a new record of 11 times in 5 hours. It had been a long time since i have spanked it more than twice in a day, like at least 5 years. During the last session with my new found treasures i had noticed it was slightly painful doing the deed, but i powered through it, took a shower and went off to bed.
This morning i woke up, and logged onto my computer to check my E-mail and browse Reddit. And there it is, the file, starting right at me. I decided that a quick morning wank wouldn't hurt anyone.
So, like many men, i am uncircumcised. With the pictures still fresh to me i feel the Excitement growing, but it was different. It wasn't painful, but it was VERY uncomfortable near the top. I decided to pull back the foreskin to check and see if there was an issue, Big mistake.
It felt like my foreskin was going to rip or split down one side. It was terrible, i slowly pulled it back to see what was going on down there and low and behold: i had literally rubbed myself raw. Things that are supposed to be flesh color are now bright red. I Ended up taking one of the most painful self cleaning showers in my life this morning and it even hurts to piss...
TL;DR I am pathetic and The Fappening has claimed my member.
INS_NT: ... 11 times?
You should run for president.
Sokonit: All in favor?
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1409619760 | 1409622678 | t3_2f7tcy | t5_2to41 | 107 | the-sand-maker: Tifu practicing poor hygene.
The summer before my sophomore year, I decided to grow my hair out for the first time. It was tight curly afro and I heard the girls found it 'super hot.' I had never heard anyone describe anything about me like that before. So, of course I assumed: the more hair, the more hot.
This was a mistake.
Because, Ive always kept my hair pretty short, I never really thought to care about my hair's hygenenic needs.
I continued this behavior and as a result, I eventually had the most embarssing day of my life (at the time.)
During the morning announcements, in my first class of the day, I was trying to work my magic on this girl who sat behind me. (I thought i was hot shit now,so i hit on everyone.) Suddenly something falls out of my hair onto her desk.
"Oh my God gross!!"
The girl recoils in disgust at
At the dime sized flake of dead skin on her desk.
"Oh ew! Its all in youre hair!"
Now every one is staring at me, confused as to whats going on. I asked the teacher if I could go to the bathroom. But unfuckingfortunately, some one had already been excused. So i sat there, looking at everyone snickering and cringing at what i couldnt even see yet.
As soon as that fucker comes back with the bathroom pass, I snatch it and dart for the bathroom.
I look in the mirror. Its awful. It looks like someone broke a few lays chips over my head and rubbed it all in. I start desperately trying to pull a the flakes, but my hair is so curly the skin gets stuck, making dead skin dingle berries all over my head, making it look a lot worse.
Then, I realized...
This is only the beginning. Ive got four more goddamn classes. And for the first two of them it was pretty dreadful and awkward. People keep looking over at and whispering while i just sat there silently wishing I was dead.
My luck did improve for a bit at lunch, though. After a good session of mockery from my friends one of them felt bad enough to lend me his hoodie. No this day, I consider him to be one of the most compassionate people on earth, for letting me cover my shit head with his hoodiehood. He said i could keep it for obvious reasons.
So my third class was fine, that teacher had no problem with hoods. I was still embarrassed, since word got around...fucking cruel gossip. But the worst was yet to come.
Ok, so I believe most teachers out there probably have to have a solid amount of empathy to be a teacher. My last teacher, is a great an example of the exception to this belief.
Its a lab day. There are microscopes. First thing that happens...
"Take off that hood. I take it off and feel my face start to burn as every one looks over. My two lab partners try to stop from laughing.
" dude, haha dont laugh haha, hes dealt with this all day."
Then this fucking bitch behind asks for everyone to hear.
" Um is that glue in you hair or something, it looks nasty."
"No." Answers my teacher. "Its looks like dead skin. He needs to wash his hair more."
The room went silent. Everyone looked at me, then teacher, then me again. This woman had wrecked me. But, fuck what was i supposed to do. So I confirmed it.
" Yeah, shes right."
And to put the icing on the cake, one of my lab partners suggested looking at one of my flakes in the microscope.
My teacher thought it was a excellent idea.
My day ended with students taking turns looking at one of my flakes under a microscope.
I shaved my head thay night.
Skinningrizz: Atleast your buddy didn't flake on you after he offered you his hoodie.
[deleted]: Ba boom tisss
| 3 | 35.666667 | |
1409615747 | 1409689356 | t3_2f7n3l | t5_2to41 | 2 | SpaceArcader: TIFU by playing a drinking game at a birthday party
This actually happened early this year but whatever.
I was at a 20/21st joint birthday party and as parties go we play a drinking game called Never have I ever. For those who aren't familiar with the game you go round in a group and state something you have never done and if you have done it you must drink. It is designed to more or less humiliate players in the group. e.g. I never skinny dipped in the pool. Here's where I ultimately fuck up.
Now I'm the kind of person that tends to have a dark sense of humour that is usually deeply suppressed until after a couple of drinks and so when it came to my turn I say to which I regret to this day.. 'Never have I ever...tried to kill myself!'
A split second later I realized I have completely ruined the atmosphere and what couldn't have been even worse was out of nowhere one of the girls of the group raised her hand and drank. Then through the awkwardness of the situation I laughed.
Shortly afterwards I apologized to the girl and she was very open about it and said what was done was past behind her and that she is functioning well.
TL;DR A group of us played never have I ever drinking game and I fucked up by saying I never tried to kill myself to which someone put their hand up and drank.
littlechildrenlover: Awkward incidents like this happen, just don't say stupid shit like that ever again.
crisaron: I don't understand the stigmata there, if someone did and never told/tough about it then, it could have helped open up.
There should be no shamed attached to expressing those dark emotions, they are normal to a degree.
I understand the awkwardness but you may have made a great example there, you asking, her saying making it normal, something we can talk about. It's a disease not a shame.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409620408 | 1409621484 | t3_2f7uf4 | t5_2to41 | 23 | surdulitis: TIFU by choosing a place on a crowded train.
Today, I took a crowded train. As i entered the train 2 minutes prior to its departure from the starting station, there were no seats left. Therefore I choose the area near the doors where I could sit on the floor. Two toilets are located in the same area, both have sliding doors. I was sitting on one of the steps as 10 minutes into the journey, a girl went into the toilet that was adjacent to me, meaning that I could see directly onto the closed door as I was sitting on the floor. I took a bag of cookies out of my backpack and started eating them. After one minute, someone passed by and a strap on this persons backpack got hung in the toilet door, sliding it open.
Therefore I got to look at this girl who was hoovering over the toilets with her pants at her ankles. As I was looking at her from a downward angle I could see a large poop slowly exiting her. I continued to chew on my cookie - I was holding another one in my hand- as the girl realised what had happened. We looked into each others eyes as she tried to close the door. The grip of the sliding door was now behind her. In order to grab it she would have had to turn around. She tried to do so, but as she was still in the process of unloading she couldn't do so without keeping her aim. She had to look down and readjust her squatting position. Finally the excrement exited her, landing with a sploshing noise. She slammed the door shut.
After 10 minutes she exited the cabin, looking down to the floor. She had probably hoped that I had left. After the next station, several people left the train and I went to find a seat. Eventually I found an aisle seat. A few rows down from me and even facing my direction was the girl I had seen pooping. I tried not to look at her but had to memorize her face. At some point she saw me and her face took an expression of embarassment and terrification. Her face remained nearly the same for the next hour as both of us left the train. I did my very best to keep distance from her on the route to the tramway. On her bag, there was a label with her name and email on it. I thought about writing her an apology but this may become creepy.
WaffleMonster42: Oh my god... the imagery I am getting right now from this is fucking hilarious.
surdulitis: If you'd like to imagine, just eat a cookie, sit down on the floor and imagine looing up onto a girl without pants. Her private area was fully visible to me. And there was poop.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1412009910 | 1412044952 | t3_2hsvy6 | t5_2to41 | 22 | fxfanboy: TIFU by forgetting the underwear (NSFW?)
So some months ago I was grocery shopping a busy Friday afternoon. The store was filled with people, and I decided to treat myself with some potato chips (as a average Swede does). I guess that wasn't really the best idea.
I decided that I'd treat myself with a can of Pringles, and they we're located in my leg area, so I had to bend and reach for them. That wasn't quite the best idea, since I was wearing somewhat loose shorts with no underwear under. So when I reached for the can, my shorts fell to the knees exposing my private areas in the middle of a grocery store. I stood there for some seconds with a can of Pringels and pantless looking around and I suspect some people saw me. I pulled my pants up with the speed of light and silently rushed away from the chips area in shame, to another isle.
TL;DR: Wear underwear.
Reborn4122: Male or female?
FaucetMan: For my sake of reading I visioned female.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1409621465 | 1409650116 | t3_2f7w2i | t5_2to41 | 8 | gigahut: TIFU By leaving my window cracked.
Yesterday I woke up to a phone call from a church security guard we will call Jim. He told me I needed to come outside ASAP because he thinks someone is stealing my tools. I throw on gym shorts and flip flops and go outside. The church is an adjacent lot to mine and when I run out side the first thing I see are my tools on the ground next to some guy on a bicycle talking to Jim. Jim tells me he watched someone (not the bicyclist) jump over my fence with as much DeWalt power tools he could carry and stash some of them in a dumpster a block away. The guy on the bike was a dumpster diver looking for aluminum cans and stumbled upon the power tools. I paid him 5 dollars to get the tools (easier than taking them) and immediately got in the car and drove over to the dumpster in question to look for the rest of stolen stuff. Jim gave me a description of the guy before I left so I would know what he looked like. After a quick look in the dumpster without finding anything I decided to wait a minute, maybe this a-hole will return for the tools. 5 Minutes later THE THIEF RETURNS with a friend. I immediately confronted this guy and demanded my stuff. I must have scared him because he started running away. I pursued in my flip flops. I yelled "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" and tackled him into to concrete. I gave him a few pops to the face and his friend tried to run up behind me. I jumped up and pull out a knife. They started running again and I decided not to follow. At this point I called the sheriff. An officer showed up and started his investigation while other officers were patrolling. BTW I do not live in the same building I store my tools. The officer and I decided the thief jumped over the fence and used a pallet to climb up to a second story window which was cracked. The investigator sees a footprint next to the pallet and starts photographing it. At that moment Jim calls me and says he sees the thief A-hole a block away. The cop gets in the car and drives to meet him. Four or five squad cars show up within the minute. The thief is walking down the street with the rest of my tools. The officers arrest him and and ask me if that's the guy, and are those my tools. Yes and Yes. Apparently this guy is on probation for burglary and has a warrant for a parole violation for burglary.
PS The footprint matched the shoes.
TL;DR Thief gets in a vacant house and takes some of my tools. I find him and fight him wearing flip flops but he escapes. Cops show up, find him and arrest him. I get my stuff back. Score for the good guys.
RandomG1rl: Glad it ended well. You owe Jim a beer or pizza.
gigahut: If it wasn't for him I would have lost some very expensive tools. Jim's the hero.
RandomG1rl: He absolutely is. I really hope you do something nice for him. We need more Jim's in the world.
| 4 | 2 | |
1409621790 | 1409638850 | t3_2f7wl0 | t5_2to41 | 5 | K3NN3Y: TIFU by buying Starbucks "coffee".
Short and sweet, this happened just now.
Today I went to Starbucks because I always wanted to taste their coffee. I got a "Carmel Mocciato" for $5.
It tastes like foamy hot water.
TL;DR Bought Starbucks coffee. They gave me foamy shit-water.
pobody: tl;dr: If your tl;dr is about the same length as your actual post, don't put a fucking tl;dr.
AangsStaff: TIL post incoming
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411849436 | 1411920498 | t3_2hn4w5 | t5_2to41 | 3,002 | Killerjaner: TIFU by wearing pants
So this happened last night, in one of my drunken brazilian backpacking stupors.
A little backstory, I have been travelling in brazil and I am staying at a hostel somewhere.
My buddy and I got to this small colonial town, that also happens to be a pretty bumping uni party town. And as we talked to some of the locals, we found out there was a party last night and there was going to be lots of pretty girls there. Well they weren't wrong. Babes everywhere. However, we learned the hard way that when a party starts at 3 in the morning, it literally starts at 3 in the morning. We started drinking beers around 7pm. So when the party started, you can imagine that we were pretty drunk, and I am sure that most of us know, when you drink beer, you pee. ALOT.
As a couple of gringos, we stand out like a turd in a punchbowl in this small brazilian, low tourist traffic town. We're in the middle of the dance floor when these two brazilian girls start talking to us. These girls are cute, there are other girls in the club way hotter, but we're shitfaced and its dark.
We find out they're staying in a place close to our hostel, and you could probably see the lightbulb flash over our heads at this point. We think, boo yeah!! We're gonna walk these girls home and make their headboards sing. We are all staying fairly close to the club, so my drunken logic tells me, I can pee when I get there.
We walk the girls home and we were way too drunk to even make small chat in the 5 minutes it took to walk them home. We grab their numbers and part ways.
At the hostel, the two of us grab some water in a pitiful effort of sobering up before bed. After dancing in a hot sweaty club, I wanted to stand in front of the Hoover Dam as it broke, so I could drown myself in the immense of flow of water to quench every thirst imaginable.
Finally, I decide its time to relieve myself in the bathroom.
I make all the necessary preparations:
Turn on the lights. Going pretty good so far.
I'm standing directly in front of the toilet. Booyeah!
I lift the seat. Fuck yeah!!
I Pee! it felt so good.
I flush. I am the king of pissing before bed! (I'm shitfaced, so I take some small victories)
One problem. Not only did I forget to take off my pants, I didn't even undo my zipper.
I literally stood directly in front of the toilet, with the seat up and pissed my pants.
Everything up to this point was pretty clear. The fuzzy part is when I actually realized what I had done. I have some memory of smiling and laughing during the process, but like I said before, Im shitfaced and take small victories. Whether, at the time I thought I had successfully peed and was proud of myself, like a toddler would be when they first start potty training, or I realized what I had done and in some weird way was proud of peeing myself, or just laughing off the situation is open to interpretation.
TL;DR: Got shitface, went to the bathroom, pissed my pants standing directly in front of the toilet.
Dragonman66: The title was enough for my upvote. I don't think I ever want to know the context.
KoD123455: Trust me, you do!
Dragonman66: I just trusted you. It was even better knowing why.
Excuse me while I laugh so hard I cry.
MathewMix: Up vote cause it rhymed
NotJawadTuran: UPVOTE because you made me realize it rhymed
Agent_545: Upvote because you saved me the effort of saying UPVOTE because you made me realize it rhymed.
Shit...
ThatsSortaCool: Upvote cause I don't think you should be downvoted.
| 8 | 375.25 | |
1409604999 | 1409644054 | t3_2f75js | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my friends
A few years ago this really cool guy transferred to our school (we'll call him Tim) and we became the best of friends. We hung out after school and played video games together (I'm a guy too). We even tried making a YouTube channel with our other friend Bill, but it soon disbanded. But we all played games together and when GTA V came out, we started playing for hours on end. We had a four person crew of me, Tim, Harry, and Jonas. We had the best times playing GTA with the four of us, times I wished would never end. Then it started happening.
One day at school, Tim starts telling me he has this secret. For the rest of the year he keeps saying he has this secret that he'll never tell me and how I would love to hear what it is. And he was right. I really wanted to know what it was. He also wouldn't shut up about how he loved Sweden and how his friends there are the coolest people ever. It was quite annoying. So, one day when all four of us are playing GTA, I convince him to do a secret-for-secret trade. Jonas helps me with the trade, but Tim doesn't give him the secret, he only gives it to me. I get a text on my phone that says "yt". I knew instantly that he had a YouTube channel.
I tried to find it, but I couldn't. Then, one day, Tim accidentally tells me the name of a video. I look it up and BAM, I found the channel. At first, I thought it was cool. A neat little YouTube channel with 100-something subscribers. Neato-right? Nope. Turns out he recorded us playing GTA together. And it was one of the high-quality recording devices. At this point, I was torn. Should I tell Jonas and Harry or keep my mouth shut. I had all summer to think about it and over the summer, I started to hate Tim. The way he started acting seemed annoying and I thought it was wrong of him to record people without their consent.
Then, one day I was playing with Jonas and Harry only. We started joking about how Tim never played anymore. Harry started joking that he had a YouTube channel and worked for Rockstar. We all laughed it off, but I knew it was real and decided that I would tell them. Sadly, Harry left before I could. But I told Jonas. I told him everything. He looked up the channel and saw the videos. At first he was in disbelief, then he didn't really care, but then he got angry. He really wanted to tell Harry, so the next day, we did. Harry didn't believe us at first, but saw how creepy it was, and too was upset.
We made a plan that would make Tim spill the beans without knowing that I had told Harry and Jonas, but Tim never came on. Harry also said that he would never play with Tim again once this was over and done with. A few days later, Tim told me he was done with his channel, which made me feel like I should't have told them about the channel. They are eager to tell Tim their anger, but Tim has no idea. And once Tim knows I told them, he'll probably never speak to me again.
Tl:dr Don't record people and tell someone about it.
JakeC1597: Why did Tim record it?
Why did he keep it a secret?
Why the urge to tell your friends?
Why do you care?
Why does anybody care?
Why did you think this was a fuck up?
Why am I even wasting time with this comment?
Wtf?
Edit: no offense
Pick234: What you said.. Seriously.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409620676 | 1409706932 | t3_2f7uue | t5_2to41 | 1 | sgtmudkipz: TIFU by owning nice things (in this case a GTR).
**TL,DR:** My GTR got keyed right under my nose, and I did nothing to stop it.
So I am a young 20 something year old engineer with a passion for, amongst other things, cars, Dota, and the occasional toke. Unfortunately for me a lot of my passions are expensive requiring me to work my ass off if I want to pursue them. My passion for cars borders on obsession and I have owned 18 cars and 7 motorcycles; some PITA projects, some gems, some in between. My latest acquisition and quite possibly the star of my "career" as an automotive enthusiast is my dearly beloved 2009 Nissan GTR I purchased this April with 11,000 miles and one owner.
Shortly after midnight last night I heard some sort of commotion outside. I paused my game and perked up to peek out of the blinds as James Bondlike (Pierce Brosnan, not Daniel Craig) as I could manage and noticed 3 guys arguing with 1 girl. They were trying to corral her into the SUV and she was pushing them off, at which point another girl appeared trying to calm things down. The guys backed off and to my surprise the first girl said "I'm going to go to the house" and started walking towards my front yard. "I'm never going to talk to you again" said the second girl, and with that I perked down and resumed my game.
I thought nothing of it at the time, maybe one of my housemates went out with some girl and this was drunk drama. This evening, however, after a lengthy day of Labor Day relaxation...I go outside to find my GTR is keyed along the entire driver's side.
Sucks. Why didn't I go out last night to check out what was going on? I live in a College town...there's always ruckus outside on weekends. I've gotten into physical altercations sticking my nose and pride where it does not belong.
Aftermath: http://imgur.com/a/HYOUH
LG G2's flash does not do the damage justice.
sammerguySG: If you have had that many cars and bikes you can afford to have that whole car repainted like new no problem!
fucking_web_dev: That was a dick comment. He's worked for what he's had. Just because he chooses cars as a hobby doesn't mean he should have to pay to fix someone else's jealousy issues.
sammerguySG: didn't mean it that way, more like it's not really a big deal. chump change...
it'd be like if some took one of my fishing rods from my truck. sucks but it is only $70.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1412030734 | 1412034241 | t3_2hu0zr | t5_2to41 | 9 | PM-ME-UR-FAVORIT-PIC: TIFU By underestimating a hill
Earlier today my father asked for help moving trees we were cutting down to make more room for our field. When we got to the section of trees that were to be cut down I was asked if I would like to run the lull. Fuck ya I want to run heavy machinery! So I go about my buisness running trees back and forth. I was asked to drive in a different area each time so the tires don't destroy one area too much.
Eventually the side of my driveway is filled with tire tracks and I take the long approach driving diagonally up the side. This was my first mistake. Mistake number 2 was having the lull arm extended high into the air to keep the tree of the ground. So I'm going up the side of the driveway and gravity decides to remind me, I can't do that and throws the lull onto it's side. I don't know what I was thinking except here we go. The lull starts flipping and I pull myself to the inside and hold on for dear life as I fall at the speed of a scene from 300. The lull comes crashing down with glass shattering everywhere.
I look up to see diesel spewing from the fuel tank overtop of me. Now I've seen one or two action movies so I think to myself, oh shit this is where the lull blows up and I die and the thought process was if I shut it off it won't blow up. (I later learned that won't explode). The front glass shattered in the crash so I was able to climb out. I escaped unscavanged except a few cuts on my hands from the glass while crawling out. Sorry I'm not very good at telling stories or grammar, but I thought maybe one person would enjoy my tale.
atragicoffense: Don't put that on your resume.
Seriously though, glad you're ok.
PM-ME-UR-FAVORIT-PIC: Haha thank you. I've actually been looking into getting a job with heavy machinery and we made a joke about that.
definitelynot_seiken: "Experienced lull operator"
PM-ME-UR-FAVORIT-PIC: I try ;)
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1409622946 | 1409652505 | t3_2f7yd4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | babyvamp: TIFU by bringing my friend to tennis
So for the last couple of days my bf and our friend have been playing tennis at a park nearby. Tonight I decided to bring my friend who has been wanting to meet bf's friend for a while, telling her that we're playing tennis, not just hanging out. I was a little nervous about it, but figured it would be okay. I was wrong. She literally stood in the same spot, making minimal effort to hit the ball, and didn't even chase the ones she missed. Now bf and friend are mad at me, and she doesn't seem to be phased by this, and still hasn't apologized, and I feel like shit because bf is mad at me. :( this sucks.
standardtoaster101: Why do you feel she wasn't puting in the effort?
(As in why wasn't she trying, not what makes you think she wasn't, if that's clearer.)
babyvamp: She kept saying she "doesn't do the whole athletic thing." And had never played before except on the wii. Honestly though I don't know why she didn't try.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409624374 | 1409933499 | t3_2f80la | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my own birthday
Well, the title pretty much says it all. First off, I'm not too sure how this post will compare to the other TIFU's but I felt like it was kind of share-worthy.
I'll let you in on some background knowledge about my self first. I am a senior in high school and I just hit the big 17. I go to a very good school and my grades are pretty good. I have never gotten a referral or detention in my entire life so I am a fairly good student and person all around. I don't really like to hang out with people a lot outside of school. I prefer to do my own thing at my house but I do enjoy going out with my friends from time to time.
So, today I was kind of having a rough day. Being my birthday, not a lot of people wished me happy birthday and it kind of bummed me out. Yes, I am very grateful for the small amount of people who thought of me on my birthday, but a lot of my "friends" haven't said a word to me yet. I know they have lives and can easily forget but there's a couple other people who have the same birthday as me who are getting birthday wishes from some of the people who I hoped would remember about me. Unfortunately they didn't so I was kind of in the slumps today.
Then, around 2:15, a friend of mine, let's call him Joe, texts me inviting me to go to the beach with him and a mutual friend, who we'll call Mark. Joe hasn't said anything about my birthday yet so I just play along and tell him I'm up for going to the beach. I mention that I have to be home by 5 to go out to dinner with my parents. He says that it's not a problem with him or Mark and they'll come to pick me up. I tell my mom I'm going out and I'll be back in time to get ready for dinner.
10 minutes later I get a text from Joe saying there isn't room in his car. Still, nothing about my birthday but I push that aside and tell him it's not a problem and I'll just stay home since I have plans later anyways. Now, being forgotten about and then uninvited somewhere, I was a little more depressed and frustrated.
Dinner comes and everything seems okay now. I kind of forgot about what happened earlier and enjoyed the dinner with my parents. After we get home, my parents start to wind down and do everything they do before going to bed. I do the same and then suddenly remember I recently made a waterbong and had a little bit of tree left.
So, I get ready for bed while my parents do the same and I eagerly get the utensils out and set everything up so it's ready to go. Knowing it's not safe to "unwind" yet, I lay in bed and watch some Netflix to kill time. After some time
passes, I go into the living room and notice my parental's have gone to bed so I rush back into my room and start going at it.
After a few tokes or so, I hide everything and jump back in bed to relax and enjoy the time. Then, all of a sudden I hear the drier, which is in the laundry room that happens to be down the same hall as my room, being turned on. F*CK. I wasn't ready to make this day worse than it already was so I just close my eyes and try to remain calm. I had turned my ceiling fan and floor fan on before I lauds down so I just kept telling myself that I was overreacting. NOPE. My mom aggressively opened the door and that's when my heart stopped. She knew what I was doing but I think she was surprised she didn't catch me in the act. She told me my room reeked and I denied everything, mostly because I was baked.
She told me we'd talk in the morning and mentioned a piss test as well. Will update in the morning.
TL;DR- had a depressing birthday, got high, got caught by parents, had an even more depressing birthday, decided to tell Reddit while still high.
Edit 1: So, I woke up this morning well ahead of time because I was paranoid and couldn't sleep anymore. I laid in bed waiting for my mom to storm into my room with a drug test. However, that never happened so I got up and got ready. After I was done getting ready, I sat on the floor in my room and heard my mom come down my hallway. She walked by my room and basically said have a good day and told me she loved me. Then, after school, she got home and acted as if nothing had ever happened, which isn't completely abnormal for my mom because she is the type to forgive, forget, and move on. She insists that it isn't healthy to live in the past which has brushed off on me. I was quite confused but just ignored it. However, I have told myself all day that I won't smoke anymore because I am only 17 and have so much ahead of me. I am thankful that I didn't wake up and have another bad day, but instead turned a TIFU into a valuable lesson and had a pretty good day so far. However, we have not had dinner yet so I will update once more if anything comes up while at the dinner table.
Anon_1991: You're in high school. You have better things to do. You hit 22 and it starts to get boring.
Edit - Happy birthday!
Devlin90: As a 23 year old. This.
EasyModeAj: yup gonna be 21 soon not even interested in anything
Orcspit: 35, still not interested in anything... Just have a lot more responsibilities.
EasyModeAj: couldnt agree more, things just seem to feel alot heavier when you have to make big decisions
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1409625662 | 1409626691 | t3_2f82la | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my teacher blow me NSFW
SirJudasIscariot: http://i.imgur.com/NQHKSVE.gif
murderouspanda00: http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/op_liar_the_walking_dead.gif
SirJudasIscariot: GODDAMMIT! NOT HERSHEL!
| 4 | 3 | |
1412030670 | 1412140116 | t3_2hu0uu | t5_2to41 | 7 | penguin_cheezus: TIFU trying to be comfortable.
So after I finished opening at my work today, I quickly drove over to my community college for my first class of the week. Not wanting to wear khaki's all day, I park and take off my pants in the car. Now for me, this is the easier part since everyone loves taking pants off, but putting on my shorts was a tad difficult, and I hate adjusting my driver seat, so I decided to step outside the car to put on my shorts. I hate going barefoot/shoeless on any floor that isn't in a building, so I'm on my tiptoes, bouncing because the asphalt is burning.
As I pull my shorts up, I look up to see a girl pull up next to me, I smile at her, but in this moment of weakness, I lose my footing and begin to fall. Naturally my hands grab at something to catch myself before face-planting in front of a relatively attractive person, but the only thing to grab was my boxers. So here I am, smiling like I just had a close-call, and she starts laughing in response. Although I realize two seconds later she's laughing at my nether regions, so I look down horrified to find my package unwrapped. I haven't manscaped in a while, nor is my flaccid penis a shower, so I instantly turned around, butt to the world.
Being of Asian Indian descent, my hairiness is my gift to the world. Behold my butt, which quickly became a hairy black hole (google that if you dare) as I bent over to pick up my shorts. Realizing that, I turned once more, still bent over, only to show my reverse sinkhole to some mom's and their kids about to watch a school play. I decided the best course of action was to politely wave, pull up my pants, and march to class.
On the flip-side, some kind soul out there returned my iPhone after it was stolen in the library, so thanks to that kind stranger.
**Tl;dr Displayed manliness. Earned iPhone.**
TheOneAndOnlyStig: As a half south Asian man, the term hairy black hole strikes deep in my heart.
penguin_cheezus: I wonder what will happen if my SO ever tries to touch me there like I do her... The Forbidden Forest?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412029373 | 1412110415 | t3_2htygh | t5_2to41 | 18 | fuckthrowa: [TIFU] By loving my Mom
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
Post is long. Cannot style right now, my mind is somewhere else. Apologize making such a long and shitty post. But oh well. I have to do it
Today I learned one thing, which hit the nail on coffin. But before I get to it, a prologue.
You know what they used to say. Love your parents, they wish only the good for you. Good intentions and all that jazz. I believed it. That was a mistake. A big one.
From the earliest days as I remember, my mom was good to everyone. Even me. But when I screwed up, I was always the bad kid. Any screwup and Im going down. You know what mom, lets go back into the past.
Remember when I was a 5 year old kid? I do. We were standing by the ATM and getting money. I put my hands by where the money would come out, the money hit my hands and went inside. An innocent mistake, I didn't mean no harm.
But you spent hours telling me how me my friends and relatives will suffer, because we're not gonna go to Mc d's. Because I fucked up and i didn't think it trough. Everyone was so eager to go there, but now they will be hungry and have to eat at home, because it was all my fault. And oh I do remember the phrase to this day "Now how they will think of you".
I hate that phrase, try saying it to a kid near me, and I'm gonna whoop your ass.
Ofcourse, everyone knew it was my fuckup. It was my fuckup and no birthday party for me nor anybody. Bad kid. You are inferior.
It was always like this, you do something that she doesn't like you are inferior. Not "undisciplined", inferior. Remember? Oh do you rememer when I showed you that I predicted a result of a scientific study? I was fucking twelve. But nope, it didn't matter. It didn't matter because Bobby got an A in math while i had a B.
Remember, in 4th grade, I asked you to buy me a new school bag. Because all others had non-kiddy ones. Remember? You said we didn't have money, you said mine was fine and i should study harder. That I should look at Daniel, who lives with a single mother and wears second-hand clothes. Look how he loves her. Look how good of a kid he is, not you ungrateful brat.
I remember, I went to a shop and bought a $3 bag, which I used for the next 3 years.
Oh do you recall what happened when I didn't want to go to my grandpas birthday? "Grandpa loves you so much, and you don't love him. You will upset him and he will cry".
And the whole "I am older and your mom. And you're a piece of shit". Crap, I remember coming to a friends house and being in trance from seeing that his mom talked to him like an equal. I was shocked, it hit me like a truck. Why, what. I didn't understand why in the fuck would a parent talk to his kid like an equal. It felt good, but, so unnatural. It never really dawned on me.
Crap, do you remember my clothing? I had to walk like I was living in the 70's at grandmas, because it was "cool" you've said. We weren't poor. Our poor relatives managed to go on a vacation abroad. We were making twice as them. We lived in a shittier apt, we wore shittier clothes and eat worse food.
Oh remember how you berated me, that I help my aunt with the dishes while I don't do them at home. That I'm an asslicker and don't love you? I didn't know then, i thought that i was indeed a bad person. I remember how the aunts family was always cheerful and treated others better. Aunt talked to me, she was interested in my life. But i didnt know why I helped her. I wanted to help her, i loved spending time at her place.
And you know, money. To this day I can perfectly recipe all the accents in the phrase "WE DONT HAVE MONEY". You and my stepdad made a shitton of money, but we never had enough. Never had enough to let me go somewhere with my friends. Or wait, do you think it was accidental that i started drinking at 15? $3 got you drunk and made life better for 6 hrs. Or why I wasted so much time at the computer? Yeah, because it was cheap. Because we never had money for me to go somewhere. When I took my first job at 15 you made me pay 30% of my salary for my martial arts class. Also for the flat/food and transport faire. I'm a bad ungrateful kid you said, I stopped doing sports. I was home at midnight. And because i was making money, no fucking allowance. Because WE HAD NO MOOOOONEEEEEEEEEEEY.
Ironic, that you always had money to go and drink cofee with friends, you always had money to buy buns at the shop. That bag of cookies? yup. Oh you always had money for another "eastern meditation" guy. You know, his kids were better than me. Oh, and all those eastern bullshit courses you visited. Yes ofcourse we had no money. It didn't matter that my PC was dying (i can ressurect pc's easily now). It didn't matter that it caused me great grief. We had no money, because we were poor. But that Indian guy helped you improve your chakra.
Oh remember how you liked to remember that I'm a burden on you, and without you i will die. Because whatever energy coming from you will stop? Yeah I do. Remember how you liked to count my money? Oh I do. I asked Stepdad for $20 he gave me $40. Welp, one week without an allowance. Cos fuck you.
Money money money. It was always about money. Look how poor that grandma is. Look at her and see how she counts the pennies. See how bad others have it. But we have it slightly less worse. Remember? Yeah, i hated money. I still get this horrible feeling in my gut when I see people counting money. I hate taking money from people. I couldn't do it. It was horrible.
And the family. You played the fucking victim infront of the whole family. "But we're so poor" my ass. My kid isn't studying, he is lazy, and I am a poor soul. Word by word. Yeah, about that. I told you i had heart issues, i couldn't sleep properly. going to sleep meant lying in bed for hours on end, and waking up was a victory. I prayed for a doctor to look at me over a few days. But, i was faking. because i didn't want to go to school.
Oh remember school? My auntie still thinks I failed school on purpose. And the university? Yup, she thinks i was bad and was removed from there because of my bad marks. Lets not tell her that I left uni because you stole all the money grandma gave for it. ALL OF FUCKING IT. ALL OF IT. YOU HAVENT PAID JACK SHIT. NONE. ZERO. Bitch. And told my Auntie, my beloved Auntie that i was lazy. I was studying in top 3 uni, and was above everyone else. Fuck, didnt study my ass. Fucking all of the money, christ. You never told me. I didnt know grandma gave the money. I don't know who else funded. My bio-dad? Holyshit if he did. I didnt see a penny. Fuck, what if he was sending me money all this time? Lord.
I was a wreck. Depressed suicidal lost. I came to you and said that the stress is killing me and im going mad. "Don't bother me when im watching tv". Shit.
It took me years to get back on my feet. Thanks for the pouridge.
I blamed myself for everything. Anything that bad happens that isn't even remotely my fault, i blamed myself. I couldn't stop. My Auntie thought i was lazy and useless and that I was faking. Grandma is 80, and shit. Only my friends and their parents were there for me. They were the light in the darkness.
Trough blood and sweat i got out. I got a job. I reworked my brain. Oh, remember thsoe studies I predicted as a kid? yup, they helped. Don't know what I would do without them.
Im on my legs and im here. I am stronger, but my nerves and body would argue about that. And you, now you are finally poor and jobless.
You know, I forgave you. I forgave all the offenses, i forgave all the inferior child. I fixed myself, rewired my brain. I don't feel anger, i dont feel pain.
But today. Today i learned a lot about you.
I know grandma gave you shittons of money. Yeah, grandmas well off. She gave you money and you took it. And loaned on top of that. I know that you sold MLM bullshit to grandma. She's 80, she forgets things. Christ. This is dusgusting.
I know you loaned money from friends and didnt give back. No wonder you don't have any friends by now. None at all.
I know you loaned money from my auntie. And out other relatives. And didnt give it back.
But thats nothing. My little sis, she's twelve now, she was saving money for a PC of her own. She likes to play Sims, but she had to use that old PC that I used. when i was her age, yeah the chip was a Pentium 4 3ghz and not a 2.4ghz (you're welcome sis). She was saving and had $300, enough for half. Step-dad promised to help her with money so that she could buy herself a new PC. In the end, grandma and stepdad had to not buy her a new display, and go with a mediocre build. Anythings better than that cursed Pentium.
And you stole that money. Woman, you stole that childs money. Childs? Your childs. The child you treat the same as me when i was a kid. She's depressed. She doesn't have friends. She thinks of herself as a POS. And you steal her money on top of that. You stole a fucking childs money. CHILDS money. The child that still loves you. And you still call her an ungrateful bitch for not doing something.
I'm not angry. I feel betrayed. I feel, as though my dog shat on a carpet and then rolled on it. A new low perhaps. I am disgusted. But not angry. Thanks for giving me practice.
The kid doesn't know. She thinks she lost them. I used to blame grandma when money dissapeared from me when i was young. Heh grandma. She never did any bad to anyone, Im sorry Grandms.
And in the end, fuck you, our "indian energy" supplier. Fuck you, you poor mother whose children dont love her. Fuck you, for the suffering you brought upon those who you were supposed to protect.
And If someone asks me, why I think having children should be a licences afair, this is your answer.
This is disgusting. But praise the gods, for I am over it. And I am the one in control.
some clarification: My mom and stepdad are both top notch engineers. Both of them had good positions in big companies.
Grandma gets money from Grandad, who is a Air Force veteran. His pension is big.
tl:dr My moms a shitty person.
Red3X: You gonna need some medication to cope, I recommend some slap a hoe to ease that stress. Take whenever you get those feels
fuckthrowa: I avoided meds and drugs, and got trough. I am almost free of emotions regarding her
Thank youtho
| 3 | 6 | |
1412032829 | 1412086312 | t3_2hu4pr | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by Shatsterbating
So I have a really bad stomach bug, so I called out of work today and stayed home. Of course with a stomach bug diarrhea follows, well I wasn't thinking quite right as I had just woken up from a nap and I felt a raging boner down stairs, so I figured why not go ahead and take care of it. While I was caught up in the sweet, pleasure I didn't realize I also had to take a shit. Fast-forward a few minutes into it and I'm about to ejaculate and right as I do I immediately shit all over my chair. Currently trying to figure out a way to remove the shitstains that now plague my chair and floor as I rushed to the bathroom to take the rest of my shit. It wasn't fun.
P.S: How do I go about removing the shitstains from my chair and carpet.
**TL;DR: Shit all over the place as I ejaculated.**
OneLastGlance: Very hot water and Oxyclean for the stains. Scrub it in with a dish sponge (the ones with the rough sides) or a scrub brush.
Source: I have two kids. Shit happens.
Drewdoggg: Shit happens ^best ^pun ^ever ^lol
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1412031619 | 1412035105 | t3_2hu2j4 | t5_2to41 | 23 | Technosnake: TIFU by browsing reddit in class
So there I am, sitting in math, browsing reddit on my iPod. Im just casually looking through r/trashy and completely forget Im in a classroom full of people. So, as I would do with no one around, I click an NSFW link and begin to giggle. The person next to me (who just happened to be a pretty cute girl) decides to look over and see what Im laughing at.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "but Technosnake, how did you know she was looking?" Well, as I threw my head back to giggle a little, I see her quickly look away with her mouth slightly open as if in shock. I knew she saw. She knew I knew. I fucked up.
definitelynot_seiken: those nsfws are tempting ... out of curiosity what was it?
Technosnake: Is "for science" still a thing?
Fair warning; not really that fappable.
From /r/trashy
(NSFW)
http://i.imgur.com/jH9GPZP.jpg
definitelynot_seiken: Lmao Actually... I am in class. With regard to your comment about onlookers I think I might wait an hour.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1411781104 | 1411784334 | t3_2hkx9x | t5_2to41 | 34 | sverdavbjorn: TIFU by telling a girl her first name is 'morning' in German.
This little incident begins in my first period class, Fantasy/Sci-fi. My lit. circle and I were discussing a book that we're currently reading and answering questions given to us by the teacher.
Near the end, this girl in our group whose name is Morgan, wrote her name on the assignment. I noticed it and said to her, "Hey, I like the name Morgan! It means morning in German." (I actually didn't know her name before then.)
Sidenote: Yes, I now know that it's spelled 'morgen' not 'morgan' in German. I made the stupid mistake of not remembering that it's an 'e' not an 'a'. I fail at German. That would be another fuck-up.
Shouldn't of said that, damnit.
As I read her name outloud, I also said her last name. Bad mistake. Because I also said the English translation of morgen.
I said, "Your name is Morning Woods!"
That's when we didn't talk anymore and now probably hates me. Good thing she is graduating early this guarter. I still feel like a dick though.
Fluid_Dragons_Breath: Just call her Morning Wood whenever you see her. Eventually start to just call her Wood, then come to class sad one day and she'll be like "Whats wrong?" and that's when you say "I'm just mourning, Wood."
I immediately regret saying this
TheGwolo: you get an upvote for thinking of my joke before I scrolled down.
Fluid_Dragons_Breath: Well upvotes to you too
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1409627867 | 1409668488 | t3_2f864n | t5_2to41 | 3 | truckdriva99: TIFU by telling my kids I'd take them to see Marvel Universe Live
http://imgur.com/40bm8dL
Holy fucking shitballs! You have got to be kidding me! It's this price for even the worst seats. How do they expect average people to be able to afford this shit
Teotwawki69: WTF? Those prices are ridiculous. Of course, if they don't sell any seats, that will change fast.
This is a good teaching opportunity for your kids, though. I don't know how old they are, but explain to them that it is a lot of money (tell them the amount if they can understand how big it is), and you made the mistake of saying you'd do something before you knew whether it was possible to do... moral of the story: kids, do your research before making promises.
Now... what other equally neat but much cheaper thing would they like to do? That's you making good on your FU. Everyone has fun eventually, the kids (and you) learn something, and Marvel doesn't get to suck money out of you. Wins all the way around...
truckdriva99: Explaining it to my 12yo will be easy....my 3yo, who is exceptionally bright, and infatuated with iron man, that's another story. Thank goodness it's a couple months away, but they keep showing that damn commercial every 10 minutes on cartoon network
| 3 | 1 | |
1412032525 | 1412146044 | t3_2hu44r | t5_2to41 | 178 | throughaway_: TIFU by waking up early. [UPDATE] (you guys were right)
Original post [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/21sn7d/today_i_fucked_up_by_waking_up_early/).
That was six months ago. Multiple people made comments about how crazy it would be if we ended up together. I laughed it off, because even though I kind of had a crush on him, I had a boyfriend and he was out of my league anyway.
Welp.
It's been four months now.
______
edit 6/2015: officially been together for a year.
redletterday1: > And I’m like fuck this so I just bolted out of the bathroom with my towel finally on. I even locked my bedroom door, as if he and his penis are coming to come chasing after me.
I was totally holding it together until this line.
redletterday1: Also are your parents still cool with him sleeping over at your house every weekend?
throughaway_: They're fine with it. He pretty much lives with us now that he's 18, and he sleeps in my brothers' room. My dad gave him the Talk (lol) and they told us that we could always talk to them if we had a problem, but otherwise they didn't want to see/hear anything.
He shares with two of my brothers but I normally have my own room, so...
redletterday1: Now trying to imagine my dad giving one of my teenage boyfriends the talk.
what do you mean normally you have your own room, by the way
throughaway_: Just that we just have a tendency to have extra people around. And if there happens to be an extra girl, she stays in my room. I'm sitting in bed right now, and Bro2's girlfriend is 2 feet away from me with her face mashed into a pillow. And my boyfriend is sleeping in my older brothers' room.
GuitarCFD: face mashed into a pillow? Imagination going wild again
Ormagan: She said smashed into a pillow, not buried in a box.
| 8 | 22.25 | |
1409629215 | 1409640018 | t3_2f883s | t5_2to41 | 17 | Ember_Index: TIFU By taking my bestfriend out to eat and hangout
Alright so this happened about 4 years ago or so, back when me and my bestfriend first met. She is 25 now and I am 24, anyway I had picked her up that day because we had made arrangements before hand that we were going to hangout. We go to one of her favorite places to eat which is Texas Roadhouse, after we get done eating we leave and decide to go walking on a hiking trail, she'd wanted to show me a place and I haven't been hiking since I was a kid so I thought it'd be fun, especially with her.
Now this is where things start to go awry. She started taking me off the path, her now leading, we walk for about ten minutes when suddenly we find this gorgeous clearing that has a water hole that runs off into a creek running through the area and a nice waterfall in front of us. She lays down a blanket she had and she told me to come sit down with her.
She rests her head on my shoulder, and I told her how beautiful this place is while thanking her for bringing me and letting me spend time with her. She smiles and hugs me, then starts tickling me and I'm a very ticklish person, well I decide that I was going to fight against her. I tickle her back, and she kept telling me to stop in her laughter which people usually do.
Next thing I know, my knee starts to get wet and I look down and she had peed herself, but it wasn't over yet. She started apologizing and looking real embarassed, I told her it was fine and besides it was my fault. For whatever reason, at this point I was rock solid and jokingly I told her "Nothing to be embarrassed about see? Apparently some part of me likes it" and with that she slyly smiled and told me "Oh really?", she started to lie on her back and I took this as a signal for "It's ok".
Start rubbing the areas where she had wet on her pants, she occasionally close her eyes as if I was doing something right. I then decided to unbutton her pants and the soaked panties were somehow even sexier, I leaned down and the auroma of the wet fibers, mixed in with her natural scent was intoxicating. From that point on, I've had an odd fetish for peed underwear and me and my bestfriend (now also girlfriend) make it a regular routine in our sex life.
TL;DR: IFU By taking my bestfriend out to eat and hangout, go to walk path, end up in a ticklefest, she has accident, get turned on by seeing this unfold, we mess around, bestfriend has turned me into a guy with a pee panty fetish which I hope isn't too weird to have, and we're now dating. Have been for four years.
bestsmithfam: I don't get the f up part. You had a good time that ended in sex and found a gf who is into the same thing as you. No fuck up here.
Ember_Index: I wasn't sure if it was entirely a "normal" thing to be into which is why it's a fuck up, or at least I thought so hah.
Teotwawki69: If it's not hurting anyone else and you're one consenting adult enjoying it with another, then it is perfectly normal. Go have fun and good for you both.
bestsmithfam: This goes perfectly with my point. Additionally, I hope that you and your gf get married, have children and grandchildren. Then when you are old one of your grandkids will ask how you to fell in love. Oh what a confusing story you will be able to tell.
Teotwawki69: Or... what a fun and interesting story you will be able to tell...
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1412034856 | 1412283780 | t3_2hu89e | t5_2to41 | 42 | ReptarsRevenge: TIFU by meeting a girl for coffee.
Over a month ago I met a very nice girl who shared a lot of my interests. Not only was I surprised to have found someone so similar, but I also managed to get her number before I left where she worked. I felt exhilarated all day and could not wait to call her to go out that weekend, something that we both agreed should occur.
And then no response. Until one month later.
She wanted to get coffee and apologized for not talking to me for a while. I assumed, like everyone does, that she had personal things going on and that I should give her a chance. Not to mention that we had gotten along so well before!
I anxiously prepared myself to get coffee with her and arrived too early. I sat nervously in my chair, resisting the lure and smell of the coffee, and waited for her to arrive.
My nerves calmed down as she walked through the door. Finally she arrived, I thought!
Then she pulled out her laptop.
Over the course of the next hour I was informed of her boyfriend and this new and exciting business opportunity that I should join her in. My first date in over a year and I was pitched a pyramid scheme. Politely smiling throughout, I even managed a compliment on her presentation skills as I died a little bit inside. I left as soon as I could.
Upon arrive home I received a last text from her. An apology, I assumed, as I was misled on why we were meeting. Nope. Instead I was encouraged to send people her way in case I found anyone that would fit in with what she was selling.
At least there was coffee, right?
tl;dr: Does anyone want to take part in my new and exciting business opportunity?
Dualdude: I'm sorry that happened, man.
You didn't FU, she just really sucks. Keep trying. Somebody eventually will want to buy what you're selling.
softmatter: Are you telling him to go ahead with the pyramid scheme then?
Dualdude: It is an exciting opportunity.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1409629170 | 1409652288 | t3_2f881j | t5_2to41 | 36 | The_Nighthawkx: TIFU by releasing Satan
At the beginning of summer I decided I was going to get in shape. This lead to the acquisition of multiple supplements. Commonly, whey protein, creatine, etc.
About a week into it I fell off the wagon and stopped for no real reason. On my desk remained a BlenderBottle with a tiny mixture of milk, whey protein, Ensure, creatine, among other things. And there it remained for I did not really think anything of it. Time past and every time I saw said bottle I told myself I would take it next time. (I know I am a lazy cunt)
Fast forward three months...It is my last day home as I am leaving for college again. I am confronted with this beast that has been lurking on my desk this whole time. I take it to the kitchen to give it the wash of its life. What happened next is I am unsure of...
As I open the bottle to pour its contents down the drain, what I can only describe as the accumulation of all that is rotten and decaying fills the entire house. Gagging multiple times and struggling to stay focused, I pour this vile contraption and pour the rest of the dish soap into it. I was basically on my knees, suffocating on my own negligence.
A minute later my stepmom comes running into the kitchen asking me if I smelled gas....to which I reply no and slowly walk away to my room. This leads to panic among my parents as they desperately try to find the source of this gas. Soon enough they decide to spray the house full of febreeze, aggravating the problem as I now have to smell a mixture of decay with a couple of flowers sprinkled in.
Hell eventually subsided after about 40 minutes...
**TLDR** ; Clean out your dirty containers before you create a demonic being
ImAGrizzlyBear: As a college student, I can verify that waiting several days to clean your protein bottle is pretty awful, let alone MONTHS.
trashchomper: Always rinse your protein cup. Bro science 101
| 3 | 12 | |
1411845742 | 1411915555 | t3_2hmz1t | t5_2to41 | 32 | Ponlover6: TIFU by being a teenage boy during the fappening
As many of you know in the past few weeks many nudes of high level celebrities such as Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton have surfaced and been hosted on reddit. Now, being a teenager with Internet access and a smart phone I tend to use this privilege for the, to put it bluntly, jerking it as much as possible whenever I can to whatever I want. So with that information lets get to the story. It was Bumbershoot weekend in Seattle, a three day event where bands from all over the world come and preform. I was staying at a friends house in Seattle with my family and their family. It was her 16 birthday and she had about 4 friends over (all girls) for a party. It was around 10 PM when my friend texted me 3 links to photos that were leaked. Immediately the urge to fap was unbearable to the point where I ran to the bathroom and began. I closed the door and MADE SURE THAT I LOCKED IT as to not have anyone walk in on me. I pulled it out and started jerking it in front of the sink so that when I finish it's easy to just wash down. I'm almost done when I hear a scream and laughter erupt from the living room and then I hear the footsteps running towards the hallway where the bathroom is located. I quickly try to zip up my pants but end up zipping my erect penis. I fall to my knees and tug at the zipper but it won't budge. Just as I get the zipper to loosen 4 teenage girls burst into the bathroom that I now know DOES NOT LOCK. The immediately see me laying on the ground tugging at my jizz and blood covered dick with pictures of naked celebrities on my phone. The screamed and ran out like any normal person would do. I didn't know what to do so I tied my sweatshirt around my waist and walked out of the bathroom, though the living room and out to my car. Needless to say we left that night and are not welcome back.
TLDR: The fappening happened while at a friends house, tried to jerk it in their bathroom, zipped my dick up and was caught covered in blood and jizz laying on the floor by teenage girls.
P.s. First post so please leave feedback. Thanks!
Dswett9335: That's what I call a sticky situation.
Ponlover6: *claps*
YoureDynamite: *faps*
JediBytes: *faps to your claps*
FancySloth: *claps to your faps to your claps*
JediBytes: *Faps to your claps to my faps to your claps*
FancySloth: *Claps to your faps to your claps to your faps to your claps*
JediBytes: *Faps to your claps to my faps to your claps to my faps to your claps*
FancySloth: *Something something fap claps*
JediBytes: >*Something something fap claps*
*Faps regardless*
| 11 | 2.909091 | |
1409341320 | 1409654707 | t3_2ey2js | t5_2to41 | 2 | Bitcoinplug: TIFU while writing 2 TIFU today.
Right, so I wrote 2 different TIFU, I don't post often but today apparently I am. I wrote 2 of them about my girlfriend, and I was waiting for her to come over. Turns out my mobile is on silent, my landline is dead and I can't hear her over the sound of family guy.
She was stuck outside for 20 - 30 minutes screaming my name, she cried thinking I hated her and she could see me through the window. I sent her one of the TIFU and she thought I broke up with her or something. Both her parents came to pick me up and hate me now.
TIFU...
TL;DR: Forgot gf outside of house while redditing... for 30 mins... she cried and thought she was single. Her parents hate me now.
Monoceros1123: So it went from threesome to just sex to masturbating. Man that went downhill fast
Bitcoinplug: "she thinks she's single". It's ok, 5 mins of hugging later and she was ok with it. She even bought me dinner yesterday. My turn to do that today though.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409631565 | 1409633935 | t3_2f8bg3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | patient_wolf: TIFU by asking two adopted sisters who was adopted
sorry for the bad english. this was a while back, i was at a party with all of my friends, it was a very big party. So i run into a friend(who is a cousin of one of my best friends) who i had not seen in a while, so of course we started talking, my best friend was also there, suddenly she says to me, it's good that i found you, happens to be that my sister is also here, i would like you to meet her. so we go to meet the sister and they did not look alike to say the least, 2 completely different persons. i was a bit tipsy and trying to break the ice in a funny way i said: "So, who is the adopted one?" everyone stares at me completely quiet, and i thought that nobody heard me so i said it again... My best friend says to me why don't we get some drinks and i was like "ok, nice to meet you". once we were away my best friend said to me: "dude, you fucked up big time, both of them are adopted, didn't you know?". i was in shock of course i did not know...
i pretended like nothing happened and we still get along, but at the time i really felt bad.
TL;DR: MY friend introduced me to her sister, tipsy me trying to break the ice asked "who's the adopted one?", because they did not look alike, turns out they are both adopted
Insecure_Batgirl: I would just blame your friend. Being adopted isn't such an obvious thing sometimes, they should have just laughed it off OR told you ahead of time.
patient_wolf: it was just awkward, because they thought that i knew and they thought that i was being an asshole. or so i think...
but it's all good now
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412036583 | 1412680899 | t3_2hub9w | t5_2to41 | 543 | Almost_Always_Never: TIFU by masturbating in the tub
This just happened to me about an hour ago and I am still ashamed. I hope you guys can laugh at my misfortune while also learning a valuable lesson.
After a gruelling day I decide it would be a great idea to take a long, relaxing bath. As I'm laying there in thought I am reminded of the fact that I have a penis and that I've neglected him recently. Seeing as I am home alone I figure it's a better time than ever to go to self pound town. It can only make the bath so much more relaxing, right? Wrong.
I position my calves on the rim of the tub so that I could keep my boink swatter above the water level. After lathering up with some conditioner, I enter the deepest, sexiest parts of my imagination. There's nobody else that can hear me so I don't worry about not being able to making noises, throwing in some dirty talk ("YEAH YOU LIKE THAT YOU FUCKING RETARD?") and just overall enjoy myself.
After a little while I get to the critical point. I clench up and get ready to blow my load straight up in the air, moaning, "Oh fuck yeah!" As the final word leaves my mouth I feel something touch my top lip. Suddenly, something warm and runny drips into my open mouth and onto my tongue. It takes me a couple seconds to realize what has happened. By the time I did, it was already too late. I swallowed.
0/10 would not recommend. Semen is not as tasty as some girls make it out to be. Left a rough feeling in the back of my throat that I can still feel. Moral of the story is: Never point a loaded gun in the general direction of your face.
always-horny-sarah: Well I like swallowing so much so that if a guy spurts somewhere else I will want to lick it up :-). Mind you it is an absolute no no if he is a smoker, bleh his cum is yuk! Otherwise cum comes in five flavours, sweet, salty, sour, bitter (subtly different) and tasteless (for those well hydrated guys). Some cum can have salty endings, some salty throughout. Sweet cum throughout is rare buts hen it happens yum. Most are a little sour/bitter with a little sweet or salty end. But it is very rarely unpalatable in my opinion :-)). Quite like to spurt my cum and have a guy taste me. I taste tasteless most of the time with a tiny bit of salty once I a while. Yes I like the taste if my own cum and I like it if a guy has tasted his own. It is a turn on and tells me he has no hang ups and is likely to be good in bed. P.s apologies if there are typos, typing this in the smallest script and can hardly bloody see it!!!
tinpotclub: Damn. who is downvoting this?
always-horny-sarah: Can't say I have taken much notice of up or down voting (new to reddit) but fair point. I would have thought this type of post would attract more open minded peeps. Can only talk from experience and that's my experience and my view point. Thanks tinpotclub for the positive...:-))
tinpotclub: No problem. Do you find most people are open minded about it? outside of reddit I mean.
always-horny-sarah: Well I would probably only share the info with guys in person ;-)... You have to pick whom you have such discussions with... You?
tinpotclub: Most of the girls I have dated, with the exception of one, have been really shy when it came to sex. So I guess the reason I'm asking is because I'm not sure how common more explorative females are compared to my own experience, I could be just going for the wrong type of girl.
always-horny-sarah: I think to be fair I am probably more exploratory than the average female but then, as has been mentioned in other posts, being a bit older I am more confident. Don't get me wrong I have always been open about enjoying sex but the younger me was not as relaxed as the older me. You will probably find that with the girls you have been with, they are probably still a bit self conscious about stuff. For a woman to properly climax for instance she needs to fully let go and I know I found that hard to do when I was younger and many never master it. Guess it depends on your age, the age of the girls you are going for and who attracts you but I would say go a bit older if you can...
| 8 | 67.875 | |
1409632660 | 1409705076 | t3_2f8cyg | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by showering after the psych ward
Last week, I completely freaked out and was admitted to a psychiatric facility. The details of the overall context are relevant in why the end of the story is such a big deal to me.
I was there for a mandatory 72-hour stay following an untrigged manic-like episode where I cleaned the entire house, read a book and a half, played several games all at once (LOTRO, Heroes of the Storm, Hearthstone). When I couldn't handle all of that (and how bad I sucked trying to do all three games at once, especially ones as easy as they are when you play them on their own), I screamed for a little while. Then I cried so hard the cat gave me her flank to cry into. I ignored her and decided I would induce serotinin toxicity on purpose. This was last Thursday.
The details after this get fuzzy, but I do remember telling the nurse doing a psychiatric evaluation that my walls were melting (they were), my plan to induce serotinin toxicity and how (including what drugs I had available at home that would do so), and how I planned to eat at Waffle House first before I did so after they discharged me. I was in such a weird place that it didn't even occur to me that they wouldn't release me after saying all of that. I confirmed this story with another two nurses. It didn't even sink in when an armed guard walked me up to a closed ward where they took away my shoelaces and my belt.
Spoiler: After that, you're not going home whenever you feel like it. The things I said mandated 72 hours *minimum*. I wasn't doing all that well, and I still feel very fragile after the hell that is staying in a psychiatric ward. If you can ever avoid it, I highly (**highly**) recommend that you do, especially if you're an American who probably has to pay a lot to do it and hide the fact that you were there from everyone you love because of the stigma.
Fragile does not even begin cover how I feel right now. But you're the Internet, so fuck it, right?
When you're in a psych ward, you don't get a lot of things you normally get at home: shoelaces, ibuprofen, plastic bags, curtains, conditioner/face wash/moisturizer, makeup, long-sleeved button downs, doors that lock, ~~meals without your documented allergens in them,~~ and *especially* razor blades. If you wanted to shave, you could, but you had to have a nurse supervise you so you didn't cut yourself or attempt suicide. That pretty much goes without saying, but it was still uncomfortable to weigh in on that decision.
Most of us opted not to shave rather than have someone supervise. One night, we even all compared our fuzzy legs during an evening movie after all our anxiety drugs kicked in. Was hilarious at the time. (The men left at this point to their own TV room.) However, I have the kind of shitty hair growth that gives me thick, black, prickly hair on my legs and armpits contrasted against pasty skin inherited from my Irish ancestors. It never gets fine, blonde, or soft, either. It stays itchy, and I need to shave often. To give you an idea, if I shave at 8 AM, I can shave again by 5 PM even if I did a thorough job. Three days of this, and I couldn't wait to shower.
It was the best fucking shower in my entire life. I was free of unwanted, prickly hair, I was able to scrub down my face with one of those pore scrub things that make your skin raw, and use shampoo, conditioner, and soap that rid me of my hospital chemical smell. I felt new again after that shower. I felt like *me* again, not some greasy husk of a yeti.
After I walk downstairs feeling attractive, I notice the big water damage stain on my ceiling from that shower. It wasn't even a long shower for all the damage control I did - 20 minutes - but it was enough that plaster fell on stuff, water pooled on my hardwood, and I felt the need to poke a tiny hole in the ceiling to drain the remaining water as to minimize the damage to the ceiling itself.
Fragile does not even get close to touching how I feel about the damage, calling someone to fix it, and then sitting alone with him in my house a day after the psychiatric hospital while he makes loud noises and tears apart pieces of my house. I am so incredibly uncomfortable with this situation, I can feel it in my bones, but I'm going to take my single clonazepam tablet like a good girl and go to bed happy I at least got the process started.
tl;dr Clonazepam makes hairy legs and [home damage](https://i.imgur.com/Ij5t4T9.jpg) hilarious if you fight the fatigue.
Edit: I am NOT advocating that people in need of mental health seek help. What I meant to advocate for and seemed to fail at is using it as the last resort that it is meant to be. Talk to your primary care, a psychiatrist, a psychology, or anyone before using this **if and only if** you can. A psych ward stay is certainly better than hurting yourself or someone else and can be a great resource for those people who really need a more active hand in getting their lives under control. I want to stress that even though I did need the stay, it wasn't pleasant at all. A psychotic break is hard no matter where you are, even in a place dedicated to helping you get better.
devals: This was terrible, using your "psych ward" trip as a hook for a story about everyday water-damage..
For those who might be otherwise influenced by this story, please know that a few nights in a psych ward is not a bad place to be if you need to be there. I had my best friend sent once after calling 911 for serious-sounding threats of suicide she left on my voice mail when I was too far away to get to her and she wasn't picking up her phone. She had reconsidered by the time the paramedics/my dad/anyone else I could think to call arrived, and she still said the time-out (that night and at least 3 days afterward) was good for her. Don't be afraid to seek help if you need it.
mamtic: Other than the 1200+ hospital bill, of course..
devals: If anything, the fact that she still speaks of it positively even despite the lengthy ordeal of paying it off, just goes to show how valuable an experience it can be.
In the end, it's only money- no amount of money alone is worth your life.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1411707925 | 1411750286 | t3_2hi36q | t5_2to41 | 385 | ignitionnight: TIFU by turning down birthday sex.
This didn't happen today but the realization landed today.
So about a month and a half ago it was my birthday and I was sitting around watching football trying to get over a massive hangover from the previous night's party. The wife came over and let me know her period was over finally, it had been a long one and especially rough on her. It was finally sexy times, but I just didn't have it in me. So I called a rain check for the next day.
The next day I had very awesome sex, and it lived up to all the awesome standards set during birthdays past. The best part was my wife waited to put her nuva ring in until after birthday sex because it rubs against my head and irritates a bit.
Flash forward to today after I got home from work, my wife sat me down and showed me the plus sign from the test. She's six weeks pregnant and I'm gonna be a dad. Holy shit.
Turns out fucking with the schedule of putting her nuva ring in seriously impacts the effectiveness.
Stiffed_: Congrats mate!
ignitionnight: Thanks! Can't say I'd planned it or I'm "ready" but fuck what else can I do other than sack up and enjoy the ride! This is gonna be awesome.
tehrdditz: What else can you do? You can have a serious conversation with your wife about terminating an unwanted pregnancy. That's what you can do.
[deleted]: Let's not have a choice vs life debate.
tehrdditz: We're not. The choice to terminate a pregnancy is always, and will always, be a reasonable one, and no religious idiot could possibly change that. The point is that the choice should be seriously discussed, and even if they choose to go through with the pregnancy, should do it with a rational discussion about their ability to properly raise a child at the current point in their life.
seraphin22: Telling someone who just announced they are pregnant/expecting a child to go discuss an abortion is presumptuous and terribly rude and insulting. Stop assuming everyone is some teenager/young adult who accidentally got knocked up and doesn't know what an abortion is because of crazy religous parenting. It's as rude as someone saying "Well, you'd better keep it". It assumes and implies their ignorance and that you know their situation better than they do. It has nothing to do with you.
tehrdditz: Yes it does. If they are incapable of taking care of it, as unplanned pregnancies often are, they will be leeching from my tax dollars. Also, the world is better off without the progeny of two people who are too fucking stupid to know how the NuvaRing works.
explore_my_mind: You don't even sound old enough to pay taxes
tehrdditz: Paid about $100k in federal last year.
Albinopot: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahah.... Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha
| 11 | 35 | |
1409634031 | 1409720279 | t3_2f8epb | t5_2to41 | 3,948 | TIFUFAPPENING: TIFU by letting my family find out about "The Fappening"
Surprisingly, my fuck up actually happened today.
Here's some backstory first:
My father, mother, and younger sister all got Macbook laptops a few years ago. I was the one that helped them set up their laptops and what not. I did the usual: sign them into iCloud, import some old files, download Chrome, etc. Over the years I would sometimes use their laptops whenever mine was not in reach.
**Yesterday**
8/31/14 = The Fappening
I saw a post hit the front page about nudes being revealed. I curiously scrolled through the comments and saw this glorious subreddit, /r/thefappening. As soon as I entered the subreddit I was blown away by the number of pictures posted there. I was like a kid in a candy store. So many nudes from so many famous people! I recently started college and have my own apartment, so I didn't have to worry about my family seeing my browsing history or anything. The first thing I did was bookmark the popular post of that subreddit so that I would have a bunch of famous nudes easily accessible. Then I began my journey.
Jennifer Laurence nude? *Bookmarked*.
Victoria Justice nude? *Bookmarked*.
Kate Upton nude? *Bookmarked*.
Ariane Grande nude? *Bookmarked*.
More Kate Upton and Jennifer Laurence nude? *Bookmarked*. *Bookmarked*. *Bookmarked*.
After spending about 30 minutes in /r/thefappening, the entire top of my Google Chrome browser was packed with NSFW bookmarks. I was actually pretty proud of myself. Having the freedom to bookmark anything I wanted without my parents finding out about them was the greatest feeling ever.
**Today**
9/1/14 = The Post-Fappening
Since I had two days off due to Labor Day weekend, I decided to come home from college and pay my family a visit. I missed the first train home, but was able to take the next one and arrive just in time for dinner.
It was odd. No one was talking at the table. My mother, my father, and my sister just looked down at their plates and ate quietly. It took about 10 minutes before my mom finally breaks the silence and asks me if I'm enjoying college. I told her how I'm enjoying the new apartment and how everything has been going well so far.
I can tell by my mother's facial expressions that something is wrong, so I ask her what's up. She tells me that I should "stop uploading nonsense" on the internet and that I could be put in jail for what I did.
I was so confused at what she was trying to get at, but then my sister brought down her laptop. As soon as she opened up Chrome, my face turned bright red. It turns out that all of the bookmarks on my personal computer had Synced to every computer because of Chrome's Sync feature. In other words, Chrome had saved all of my NSFW celebrity bookmarks onto each of my family member's laptops. When my mom saw these bookmarks, she asked the rest of my family why these bookmarks were stored on her laptop. This led to some google searches concerning "The Fappening". Due to the abundance of celebrity nudes I had bookmarked, my mother actually thought that I was one of the "hackers" she read about that was responsible for uploading a massive celebrity nudes leak.
I'm lying in bed right now trying to cool down after such an embarrassing dinner. I would like to remind everyone about the Sync settings that are on Chrome.
*Please. Turn Them. Off.*
**TL;DR:** Chrome synced all of my "Fappening" bookmarks to my family's computers. Mother thought I was responsible for leaking hundreds of celebrity nudes.
--------------------------------------------------
**EDIT:** There are a lot of questions concerning my fuck up, so I will try to answer most of them. Before I begin, keep in mind that I originally had no idea about this Cloud feature until yesterday. So people are calling me an idiot for signing into Chrome with my own account instead of using my family's accounts. I do agree that I am an idiot, but the reason why I logged into my google account on their new computers was because I had a list of family files/photos uploaded to Google Drive. I would access my own Google account, go to the files, and then download them onto their computers. After I was done with that, I would **sign out** from my Google account. People keep saying that I never signed out. I did sign out, but I guess I never knew that I had to sign out from the Sync feature on Chrome. Next, why the hell would someone bookmark nudes knowing they would get deleted? I actually didn't know they were all about to get deleted at the time. Bookmarking them was the first thing that came to mind. And for the big one, why didn't I just save them rather than bookmark them? Here I honestly don't have a straight answer, because I figured that bookmarking was no different than saving something onto your computer. Like I said, I wasn't really thinking about the nudes being deleted at the time, so I didn't think bookmarking something was so weird. In fact, I feel like bookmarking stuff is much easier than downloading, but then again that's just me.
I know I fucked up, and I'm aware of the irony here.
trial127: Do you guys all have the same email address or something? How did they all sync unless it was the same gmail account
RightReverendJA: OP said he used their computers every so often. I'm guessing he never signed out and they never signed in.
Mac people confuse me.
EDIT: I concede that it may be an unwarranted slur against Mac people.
In my family, though, all the Mac users are the ones who chose Mac because, and I quote, 'I don't want to learn how it works. I just want it to work.' That's the mindset that baffles me.
Shoot, OP had my brow wrinkling at 'bookmark, bookmark, bookmark.' On the browser bar? Did he not know how folders work? Or how to save a picture? So much bafflement here.
DigimonFantasy: Or they could just save them to their Reddit account like regular people.
ModsCensorMe: Actually, thats no good either. Imgur, and all the other normal hosts are pulling the pics down. The only reliable thing to do is have your own saved copies.
DrShrunk: But then that would mean bookmarking wouldn't do the job either. I've never understood why people don't just download the materials and hide it in a super secret folder.
ihazcheese: >hide it in a super secret folder.
I literally have it in plain view on my desktop. Over 7gb of leaked celebrity nudes simply titled "Celeb Nude Leaks 8.31.14" because I meant to sort through all the dupes and such to make my masturbatory habits a little easier to manage... I know if I hide it away, it'll never get done and I'll just have 7 gigs of celebrity nude pics on my PC for my ancestors to one day find. Can't let that happen. :P
dbzgtfan4ever: Ancestors? You mean progeny?
edditme: Doesn't that typically require, you know, intercourse?
dbzgtfan4ever: Intercourse? Can you define that for me please? Is that like taking a nap between two courses?
edditme: You nailed it! (and you didn't even ask for the origin or root of the word...impressive)
dbzgtfan4ever: Thanks edditme! I feel so accomplished. I'm so happy, I'm going to go have intercourse all day long! Do you want to join me?
edditme: Thanks, but not unless your username really is "dbzgtfangirl4ever".
dbzgtfan4ever: Nah, it's not. Too bad you're not, "Imasexychickedditme", either.
edditme: Actually, you never asked if I was. But, for the right price, most things are possible in this world...the exception would probably world peace. I wonder if it would finally happen if they'd stop asking for it during America/World/Universe/etc beauty pageants. I'm sure that's why it never happens. lol
dbzgtfan4ever: Are you a chick?
edditme: Nope. But, this is the Internet. You already knew that.
dbzgtfan4ever: Internet? Is that like intercourse?
edditme: Is Schrodinger's cat alive?
dbzgtfan4ever: Let's have a look.
| 20 | 197.4 | |
1412038173 | 1412039082 | t3_2hue0b | t5_2to41 | 28 | tmama1: TIFU by turning down a dream job
I got call offering me everything I wanted. A full time job working in the Hotel Industry as Management, accommodation provided and working on a beautiful resort.
The catch was the accommodation was only for 1 and I have a fiancee and a dog. Even if I could find a way to hide the dog, they weren't interested in taking me on with my partner living with me.
My dream job or my partner was the choice they gave me. So I had to turn it down
balloon_knot_: Well, then you didn't fuck up at all. People and pets matter and another opportunity will come. Can't be that great of a company if they wouldn't let you at least be with your fiance.
thegrassygnome: I agree. There was an AskReddit thread about regrets not too long ago. Not a single one mentioned they wished they would have taken that dream job. There were plenty about losing their significant others due to work.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1411938493 | 1411940454 | t3_2hq91b | t5_2to41 | 15 | obv1throwaw: TIFU by helping my coworker send my boss's BDSM micro-dick pics to the whole company
Well this actually happened a while ago, but I just realized my fuck up today. Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
Im the it guy at a medium sized company. I clean spilled coke from keyboards, remove 'smiley' viruses from people's computers, and reset people's passwords after every long weekend. We get audited occasionally and get 'points' for having good security procedures and we need to get a certain number of points to pass. So for our last audit I turned on two factor authentication on our company's google account.
4pm on a friday my boss frantically calls me into his office and tells me that I need to change the password for Red Dress RIGHT AWAY (I called her Red Dress because of the distracting outfits she always wore). I went back to my desk and changed her password.
Tuesday morning I was helping the usual line of people that had forgotten their passwords over the weekend. My boss barges to the front of the line and screams "I THOUGHT I ASKED YOU TO RESET RED DRESSES PASSWORD" and stormed off. I'd completely forgotten about his Friday request at that point and just thought she was complaining about how she couldn't log on because she had seen the line and didn't want to wait (and how it's costing the company $XYZ/hour to have her just sitting there, blah blah).
I finally finished changing everybody's passwords and went to check my email.Red Dress sent THE ENTIRE COMPANY a picture of my (married, not to her) boss. naked. gagged. tied up. with an erect, 2-inch penis. Crappy iPhone picture but the "small" details were quite visible. Below the picture was "you piece of shit [Boss' name] how dare you promote him over me".
I later found out she'd sent it that morning from home on her iPhone after my boss told her not to bother coming in to work today. After she threatened to "expose" him if she didn't get the promotion she wanted. I never actually talked about it with my boss, the one time I tried to bring up the "incident" he didn't want to talk about it.
Today I was reading reddit and finally figured out what happened. Turns out I didn't really reset her password properly.
http://www.reddit.com/r/netsec/comments/2hpw6s/google_apps_security_vulnerability_puts/
Still trying to figure out if I should tell anyone what actually happened.
TL;DR my (married) boss was fucking my coworker, she threatened him with sending the entire company his micro-dick pics if she didn't get a promotion. Boss asked me to reset her password, I left one of her passwords working, she mailed the entire company pictures of my bosses tiny dick
synthasaurus: Pic or it didn't happen
obv1throwaw: keep a 2-inch dick pic on my hard drive? no way, dude.
| 3 | 5 | |
1412036396 | 1412039273 | t3_2huaye | t5_2to41 | 10 | Andre3wowzand: TIFU by leaving $700 cash at Ralphs.
This just happened to me no less than 10 minutes ago. I'm still sick. Also I'm no good with the grammar so fuck it.
I work for a TV show as a PA. We're given a petty cash 3 ring pencil pouch
http://www.lowvilleacademy.org/webpages/DSweredoski/photos/144937/largest%20pencil%20pouch.jpg
with 750$ in it cash to begin the season when you start work. I've been here for a few months and was just recently moved to Lead PA. I've made numerous drop offs and pickups, and am genuinely very good with the money. We usually take the whole satchel just in case we get called to make a lunch pickup or any other pickups, and since they won't reimburse you for your card you always have to have cash.
Today, I was sick, I'd had the chills, cough, headache, all of which didn't present themselves til this morning, but I felt fine enough to finish the day without going home early. About once a week we make a grocery store run, obviously today was that day. I geared up, do my usual double check my list and head out.
I've been to this Ralph's so many times I know which aisles to hit, and am usually in and out within a few minutes as our list isn't long, but today with all of the other symptoms it seemed like I'd been going back and forth through the same aisle constantly, but I figured that was the height of my problems.
I finally finished the list, and checked out. Everything went pretty smoothly, however when I left, I left a box of 100 cal lorna dorne's at the counter which the cashier kindly reminded me to take.
While throwing the groceries in my car (knowing someone was waiting to take my spot) I hurriedly pushed the cart back into the cart area with about 6 other carts. Hopped in my car and happily drove away.
I arrived at my job, parked, and started walking towards the elevator. I thought to myself I should check how much money I have left. I Reached in each of the bags and each time came out empty handed. Panic ensued. I ripped apart my car, under the mat, dumped out all of the groceries. Nothing. Then it hits me, I left the money inside of the top half of the cart where most people stick their kids.
After realizing this fucking monumental mistake I rushed back to ralphs, which isn't far from my job at all (2 minutes driving), to where I pushed the cart in the first place. All the carts had been moved back to the front of the store. The money was gone. I asked the parking attendants, the managers, a few clerks, searched near where I'd parked. NOTHING. FUCK
MY
LIFE.
I just told the accountant, who has to run this by a few more people in charge, but this is definitely coming out of my pocket. God, I feel so dumb.
TL;DR Fucking fuck this whole fucking day fuck.
AlyceSparkz: What TV show? >.> also $700 is a large sum to lose...
Andre3wowzand: Not really comfortable with saying, however I will say yes. It is quite the sum. :(
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412039271 | 1412040604 | t3_2hufvo | t5_2to41 | 38 | misterrogerss: TIFU by using the phrase "costs an arm and a leg" when talking to an amputee.
I work at an office supply chain, and today while talking to a woman in a wheelchair missing a limb I managed to use the phrase "costs an arm and a leg.
Here is what happened - I had about 5 minutes left on my shift and had already mentally clocked out for the day when she started asking me questions about printers. I got to talking with her about the differences between ink and laser printers. We started talking about the cost of cartridges, and thats when I mindlessly used the phrase I shouldn't have. It was too late, I hadn't realized the stupid, stupid thing I had just said until it was already out in the open. She gave me an awful stare for a moment. I could not leave the building fast enough.
skylinepidgin: You're so punny. How did she receive it and did you apologize?
misterrogerss: I paused awkwardly for a moment and I think she could tell that I was embarrassed. We just acted like it didnt happen. I finished up that conversation so quickly.
skylinepidgin: You should definitely x-post this to /r/thathappened or /r/imgoingtohellforthis. Lol
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1409635551 | 1409714162 | t3_2f8gig | t5_2to41 | 91 | McCluen: NSFW TIFU by recording my girlfriend giving me a blowjob on my cell phone.
I was recording my girlfriend performing fantastic fellatio and then thought, "hey I should flip this camera around and make a weird face."
*why ?*
Because I fucked up!!
So I decide to record my face by twisting my wrist. I brought it up just as she adds a little bit of teeth (which is great) but I lose concentration, my fingers slip, I drop my phone right on her face... causing her to bite down in pain...
... and now I have stitches.
kyledeeds: I hope you realize some doctor had to sit with your cock holding it very carefully to give you the stitches.
edditme: Welcome to my life :(((.
TheIncredibleInk: Are you a penis professional, or a dong doctor if you will? Possibly a stick surgeon, wang worker, a cock corrector? Jesus, I need sleep...
edditme: I'm the doc that has had to scrub, hold, anesthetize, and put the stitches in the guy many a time. 'Tis a glamourous life, indeed.
ETA: Can confirm based on past experience that OP FUd.
TheIncredibleInk: Dude, you are amazing. I was about to say get a new job, but then thought about how NO ONE else would do that. You have my respect.
| 6 | 15.166667 | |
1409634215 | 1409678231 | t3_2f8exm | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by upvoting another teen "I missed a chance to hook up with this super hot girl" post.
EnigmaticAmarok: Well played stranger....well played
*I upvoted*
[deleted]: Gratzi sire. Now I'm going to resume my lurking.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410107736 | 1410229551 | t3_2fq8hr | t5_2to41 | 500 | xstillcold: TIFU by slapping my teacher's ass
This occurred about a year ago but all well.
Sidenote: my teacher was in around her late 20's so as far as slapping someones ass goes it wasn't the worst person for it to happen to.
I can't exactly remember the details of what we were doing in class that day but we were working on something in groups of 3 and I was sitting in the middle of two of my friends at our table. I was really stuck on something and decided id ask my teacher for some help. I could hear her talking with some other students somewhere behind me but I couldn't exactly tell where she was because I couldn't see her. So stupid me decided to raise my hand whilst turning myself around to face her. To my absolute horror she was right behind me, facing away from me talking. Because I wasn't expecting her to be a foot away from me you could understand my shock when I raised my hand to ask her a question only to find myself backhanding her ass. And to make things worse because I was spinning my body around to face her the momentum only made for a much greater impact. Everyone around stopped what they were doing and looked at me sitting there with my mouth wide open in shock unable to comprehend what had just happened. Silence quickly turned to laughter as everyone quickly realised what had just happened. Even my teacher was losing her shit with laughter meanwhile I've stood up and hid under my desk in an attempt to hide from the situation. After about a minute of shear horror I had accepted what had happened and emerged from under the desk, apologising to my blushing teacher before sitting back down with my head in my hands. After that day I don't think we ever had a proper conversation or made eye contact for more than a couple of seconds. She stopped teaching at the school a couple of months after the incident and I haven't seen her since.
TL;DR accidentally slapped my teacher's ass in class and I will never be the same again.
edit: To all the skeptics, this story is 100% the truth and its your choice to believe it or not because I have no way of proving it to you but I hope you'll understand that its real and be happy. :)
deathgrippin192: You hid under your desk to AVOID embarrassment? Most autismal thing I have heard yet
Icronics: I am in stitches by your use of the word autismal, like literally can't breathe. 10/10
onelegged: You can't breathe? How autismal are you?
[deleted]: I'd just like to say, autism has nothing to do with this.
EDIT: You can downvote me all you want, but all you're doing is degrading people's views of themselves.
Icronics: Did you forget logic Mr. Amnesiac? Or does that offend you too?
[deleted]: I must be "out of the loop" because I never see people on Reddit using autism this way.
I'd like to know how a kid hiding under a table becomes a joke about autism, unless it's to poke fun at what our expectations of this group of people are. I don't know if it's good or not that the topic gets attention, even if it's banter.
"Did you forget logic Mr. Amnesiac? Or does that offend you too?"
Honestly I'd really *like* to say 'fuck off', but I'm going to respect this subreddit's rule #4. I'm not too offended, but you're not helping. I'm not worried about myself. Someone who is autistic and reads these comments might take it literally and seriously and that's not well if it bothers them.
**Let me ask you this: does anyone joke about depressed people killing themselves and the result being wanted? The bias might exist.**
Icronics: I'm guessing you've never been over to our friendly friends over at 4chan before, have you?
| 8 | 62.5 | |
1409631821 | 1409683184 | t3_2f8btd | t5_2to41 | 59 | fyfttv: TIFU on account of a language barrier NSFW
Throwaway, but I needed to get this off my chest somehow. I'll try to make it concise:
This event took place during my study abroad trip last year in Europe. I was thoroughly enjoying my time in this land, particularly the bar/club scene.
One night, about 2 months into my study abroad (March '14), I am at one of my favorite pubs. Chill atmosphere, great drink prices, and some real swell girls. A guy from my program and I start "talking" to two Ukrainian girls we meet, maybe early 20's. I say "talking" because only the one interested in my buddy spoke passable english so I had to resort to body language/drunk expressions to communicate with the other girl. Long story short I end up escorting this girl back to her apartment, which she (call her Anna) assured was "a short time away". This was done with encouragement from her friend, so I was all good with it. Language barrier or whatever I wasn't about to pass up good casual sex with this gorgeous woman.
Anna had me go on a 30 minute subway ride and 10 minute bus ride until we finally reached her place (whatever, she was smoking hot and I was all sorts of out of sorts after a long night of drinking). I was a little unnerved by the Soviet era block apartments which sprawled out before me as we made our ascent from the metro station, but like the young adventurous American I am I sucked it up and seized the moment.
I was all charm as we walked through the brisk, late night air: holding her hand, smiling a lot, but unfortunately couldn't have a conversation. By the time we reached Anna's apartment it did not take us long before we found each other in bed. She climbed on top of me, spitting out random words of english: "good" "yes" "dragonfly" (have no idea how the fuck the word "dragonfly" made such on impact on her to resurface during this time, but whatever, had to roll with it).
She kept doing this one thing: touching me, then grabbing my hand and having me touch her. She was so wet that it really turned me on. Every time Anna grabbed my hand and put it to her P, she asked "Do you like?". And of course every time, with the biggest shit eating grin imaginable i shook my head "yes". (keep in mind this room is pretty dark)
So finally the real deal gets going, she's on top, its all good. I'm touching her at the same time still and can't believe how incredibly soaked she is down there. And that's when I realize how this language barrier has really fucked me over.
I notice a smell on my hand and upon further inspection (i.e. putting it up to my nose) i realize it is piss. Anna has been slowly drip pissin on me the entire time. Each time she pissed on me she asked "do you like?" to which I had been assuring her I did.
I'm not sure whether she knew that I knew, or just used our language barrier to fulfill one of her sick fantasies. Either way, I was out of there in a flash. She started crying and yelling stuff at me in Ukrainian. I did feel kind of bad leaving her like that but I was in a panic. I had a long trip back to the other side of the city, smelling like piss the whole time.
TL;DR: Couldn't talk to Ukrainian chick, got pissed on.
PS: Sorry if I am rambling, just had to get this off my chest (really would like to hear if this has happened to anyone else, that might make me feel better about it) Thanks for reading.
TickleShitsMcgee: Why not just take it to the shower? Seems pretty rude to nod yes then run out. Poor confused girl.
fyfttv: in hindsight i probably should have done this. It was just the mixture of never having that happen to me, drunken state, being on the outskirts (sketchy part of town) that freaked me out
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1412039985 | 1412051079 | t3_2huh6m | t5_2to41 | 56 | kneelatmyheel: TIFU when I ordered a vibrator online and accidentally shipped it to my parent's house instead of my college address [NSFW I guess]
I placed the order on Thursday. I was pretty pumped to get it, so I started to worry that I wasn't getting any emails about a delivery arriving for me in the college mailroom...
THEN my parents messaged me today asking if I was expecting a package in the mail... "Something small arrived today"
Turns out my PACKAGE ended up at home instead.
(the website I bought it from says they have discreet shipping; the box that your toy arrives in is supposed to only say "bought from an online store". the fam usually never opens my mail without me there, so I'm just...oh man I hope they just ignore it until I get home at the end of this week, haha dangit)
S0LDIER-X: OP will you update if they confront you about it?
kneelatmyheel: oh, but of course
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1412039999 | 1412109384 | t3_2huh7k | t5_2to41 | 37 | Braveduck: TIFU by having my phone stolen by an asian prositute (NSFW maybe)
So my old iPhone 3GS was stolen 2 weeks ago while I was watching my 1 year old daughter in the play area of a local plaza. I left it on a table, turned around for 30 seconds and it was gone. I was pretty amazed since it's so old and has a cracked screen. Also pretty pissed though because it had many many photos from the first year of my daughters life.
Anyways, I tried to use the find my iPhone unsuccessfully, with it saying my phone was offline. Gave up and worked on getting another shitty phone. But then things got interesting a few nights ago. My iPhone and iPad automatically sync their iMessages when something is sent from me or to me. Well wouldn't you know it my iPad just started having conversations with other people all by itself. Random numbers I didn't recognise at all. The conversations were with men and all of a very flirty / sexual nature. My confirmations were confirmed when one guy told her he wanted to "book her for 3 am" and please have the room with the jacuzzi ready.
So on top of me seeing her messages I'm sure she's seeing mine. This hasn't seemed to alarm her since she keeps using it. I have in the meantime asked all my friends to message me elsewhere.
The reason I say asian is because one guy just sent his picture to her and he is asian and the way she talks..
Anyways, I can't see the number she has for my phone, only numbers of people she is talking to. Ideas have been thrown around from going to the police, to talking to her clients myself impersonating her, trying to get more info. Wondering what everyone thinks I should do or if anyone has an idea that I haven't thought of.
I will post the conversations if there is interest.
TL;DR an asian hooker has my phone which is still synced to my iPad and we can see each other's messages.
Update: One of her desperate clients messaged her over and over without a reply from her. He told her he loved her. Anyways, he tried sending a group message which somehow included another number that wasn't his in the heading. I texted that number saying "Karen?", let's call her Karen... I found out her name from his professing his love to her. She replies back, yes? Who is this? I now have a pretty easy solve for the poilce I hope so I will be taking this to them tomorrow.
TheGwolo: go to the cops ya shithead.
Braveduck: That was my first instinct, but a couple people I know said the likelihood the cops will actually do anything for a what is now worth 30 dollar phone is slim to none
ovrdrv3: Maybe you are right about not doing anything about the phone but the theory that she is involved in illegal activity could be a reason that they would look deeper into it? Just thinking out loud here.
Edit: Now that you know your phone is on again, try Find my iPhone. If you haven't already.
Braveduck: That's the first thing I did! Still not showing up. Thanks for the suggestion!
Braveduck: Also, I'm in Australia, so chances are it's not such illegal activity since it sounds she works in a brothel.
kaepscm: I am aware that it gets pretty wild in Australia, but I would think it's safe to assume that theft is still an illegal activity?
Braveduck: They were referring to the prostitution, hence the theory part.
| 8 | 4.625 | |
1412040782 | 1412141424 | t3_2huikg | t5_2to41 | 61 | Ijustloveherbutt: TIFU by sending my Mom an audio clip of the GF cleaning off her "birthday facial"
This happened 20 minutes ago.
So it's the Girlfriends birthday today. We had a few hours before heading out to the bar after work. She was tired so I suggested taking a quick nap (with an ulterior motive). See, she is always really horny when she first wakes up. So I cuddled her to sleep, let her lay for 20-30 minutes then woke her up with sexy times. Ultimately ending with me finishing on her face.
We laid in bed recovering for a moment when my Mom texted some info about her cancer treatment. I started to reply as my girlfriend got a towel to clean herself off. I set the phone down to make fun of her a bit and a moment later I hear the "woosh" sound of a text being sent.
I had tapped the microphone button and recorded a nine second clip of our conversation that sent itself out. It went as follows...
> * Her: God, that was hot.
> * Me: Right?!
> * Her: It's everywhere, you got me good!
> * Me: You might have to take a shower.
We both stare at the screen for a moment as we listen to it and asses the damage. Then back to each other. Then back to the screen as she types out a reply.
> * "Ha Ha Ha"
> * "Thanks for audio file - w/ hygienic tips"
Shit. Maybe she thought I spilled... hot soup... or something? Fuck.
And just saying, the 18+ crowd can find "proof" of this in my history. (I will remove this line if mod's request)
GetSomeShowerHead: What kind of phone were you using that just sends the audio without you having to push the send button after you stop recording? This sounds like a story made up to get attention for your gone wild post. Which, by the way, doesn't prove this story is real. Just because you post a pic of a girl with jizz on her face means this whole story about sending the audio clip is real?
Ijustloveherbutt: iPhone 5s, but believe whatever you want. The story is real.
GetSomeShowerHead: I have iOS 8, you have to push send after recording, I tried it before posting my original comment just to be sure. I was going to mention that it's not possible on iOS in my original comment, but I decided to leave out that detail and let you expose your own lie.
Ijustloveherbutt: Dude, the entire point of the story is I sent a message by mistake when I set it down on my bed. Buttons I didn't mean to press were hit. The story happened as I described. The blankets shifted as we talked and the phone jostled in a way to make a message record and send.
You are getting caught up at such a weird point in the story.
GetSomeShowerHead: You're such a pathetic liar. So now your sheets pressed and held the record button (that's right, you have to hold it down to record, not just press it) long enough to record that whole exchange, and once it was done the sheets also hit send? On top of all that crap it's not even possible for regular cloth sheets to activate a button on an iPhone, it has to be skin or a specific type of material designed for that type of screen.
You can keep using your and your girlfriend's accounts to downvote everything I say, it won't make your story any less of a steaming pile of crap.
DialUpHero: There are pictures of his cum covered girlfriend all over his profile. Why do you bother not believing?
GetSomeShowerHead: So pictures of his girlfriend covered in cum mean the story about the phone recording happened? I believe this guy cums on his girlfriends face, but pictures of it happening don't prove his phone somehow did something that's not even possible.
TheKneeOfTheArrow: I don't understand. Have you really never held down or hit a button by accident on your phone
GetSomeShowerHead: Sure I have, but is it really believable that his blanket pressed and held the button (not possible on an iPhone), then pressed the send button?
Ijustloveherbutt: Jesus Christ. For someone who simply wanted to share a funny story I feel like you are asking for an overwhelming amount of proof. However, fucking here. Screenshot of her saving the damn audio file.
http://i.imgur.com/W7XsWN6.jpg
thissshitrighthere: Haha awesome story. Although I cannot imagine for the life of me why some people just automatically try to pick apart a post and out people as "liars." Who gives a shit? If you want to fabricate a hilarious story, I'm still going to read it and laugh. As a side note, I sincerely wish your mom the best. Cancer fucking sucks.
| 12 | 5.083333 | |
1409636857 | 1409639341 | t3_2f8i04 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU: clearing my cache and cookies on chrome on my android phone
OctoSniper: FUCK YOU
[deleted]: You must be the shitty dev that did this...
OctoSniper: HAIL HYDRA
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1409639743 | 1409641370 | t3_2f8l5g | t5_2to41 | 23 | BabyBaby86: TIFU by accidentally busting a load in class
This happened during my freshman year of HS.
So, this story begins when i was in 8th grade, i was always curious about what fapping was like, so i gave it a try. Strangely, i became really scared when i finally cam, thinking that for some reason id get somebody pregnant, (yes, i was that much of a Dumb Dumb at the time). So, i decided to never fap again, which lead to millions of wet dreams due to the fact that my nuggies were overflowing gallons of cum. Fast forward 1 year, it's my first year of high school and everything is going great for me, until one day i get a boner for some random reason while in typing class. For some reason i was really scared at the time because we had to type an extremely long essay in class, so im shaking everywhere and my legs are moving all around trying to quickly type the essay, i guess this is what caused so much friction to happen around my penis to the point that i began to cum. I was freaking out, especially because i was wearing shorts at the time, which allowed it to leak out onto my leg. I was embaressed to the highest level and ended out walking to the rest of my classes in a strange stance, i've never told anyone this, but i guess now is the time.Since then, i fap regularly so that this never happens again, but that moment still haunts me today when ever i get a boner in public.
Tl,dr: I jizz in my pants in class, due to shaking of legs during test.
RxDealer: I remember random boners in 8th grade. Sucked.
How did you manage to not wank more after the first time you came? I literally have wanked every day (except a few times I tried to stop a while so it would be stronger the next time) for 17 years since the first time I came. That includes the years when I'm having regular sex. It's like the gift that keeps on giving!
BabyBaby86: I always wanted to give it another go after the first time, but for some reason at the time i was always was scared that if i did it, i'd get caught or have someone find out somehow. I was real scared about it back then, but now it's normal and i have no more worries at all.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1412042668 | 1412104874 | t3_2hulu0 | t5_2to41 | 270 | Crow486: TIFU by having sex with a dead body in the house.
Little background, I live in a house that's been turned into three apartments. I live on the top floor, and the bottom is split into two small apartments. A couple lives on one side, and an elderly man on the other side. My mother came over and thought one of the bedrooms smelled off, I chalked it up to having a male cat that needs to be fixed. So fast forward a day, me and the girlfriend have a day off together, which means we can sleep in a little bit. We wake up and decide to get the day started off right. We take a break in between sessions and I heard a diesel idling, but figured it to be a Delivery truck or something. Round two, of loud, obnoxious sex. I rest a bit, then wake up to greet the day. I looked out my window and see three state trooper cars, my landlord, the downstairs couple, and some assorted neighbours.
Turns out, downstairs couple lady, smelt an awful smell the night before, googled what death smelt like, and then somehow managed to sleep. She got up in the morning, knocked on the elderly neighbours door, and upon getting no response, called my landlord. Sometime during his travel time, I wake up and wake up my lovely girlfriend. I heard him knocking fervently on the door below while balls deep, and thought it was meals on wheels. So he walks in and finds my downstairs neighbor dead and bloated, after sitting a couple days, his friend and tenant of 16 years, while I'm obliviously plowing my girlfriend and bed off of the wall above them. So police come, idling diesel ambulance leaves, investigators go in and take scene pictures, people gathered outside in grief while I'm still working on a nut. We pass out, and then I wake up. Eventually I figured out what must've happened and go out to get details as, to my horror I realized that this entire awful event was punctuated by my girlfriend's sex screams and bed against wall noise. I need to move.
Edit: Jesus, sorry I didn't fuck my elderly dead neighbor. Hate to disappoint
ragnarlothbrok9: Wow i read that title wrong..I thought you had sex with a dead body lol
Twiltiwhirl: I started thinking his girlfriend had died in bed, but too bad..
klabboy: Same I was waiting for the line of "and after busting a nut inside her. I discovered she was dead."
Twiltiwhirl: OP, Get with it.
| 5 | 54 | |
1409640496 | 1409718952 | t3_2f8lwj | t5_2to41 | 1,432 | [deleted]: TIFU by agreeing to perform a semen analysis on two of my friends/coworkers.
Backstory:
I work in a lab. I'm good friends with two of my male coworkers and they often try to impress me by proving how much manlier they are than the other one. Last week, I tried to put an end to it by suggesting that we test their testosterone levels. Whomever's was higher was the greater man.
They agreed so I drew their blood and ran the tests. Their levels were really really close, a negligible difference. We needed another test. Brennan and Dale (not their real names) decided that we should do a semen analysis on both of them to decide once and for all. Since I was impartial in the matter and the only one with experience in this test, they nominated me to do the analysis. I hesitantly agreed. I thought that it might be hard to look them in the eye after I had handled their semen...I had no idea.
Today:
Brennan and I were the only ones working since it was a holiday, and he decided that this was the optimal night to perform the testing. I waited awkwardly in the lab while he went to the restroom to collect his specimen. He returned to the lab and immediately started talking shit about his "super sperm" and how they would be so fast that I probably wouldn't even be able to count them, how the count would be so high that I would need a huge dilution to be able to separate them out, blah blah blah.
After measuring the volume and liquification, I put some on a slide, coverslipped it, and put it under the microscope.
I immediately noticed several things:
* There weren't very many sperm present. Like, at all.
* Half the sperm that were there, were dead.
* Many of the "live" ones were just spazzing out or swimming in circles.
* There were a ton of big, round objects present that shouldn't have been there.
The round things concerned me the most. I couldn't tell if they were immature spermatozoa (which could have been from his weekend drinking bender) or white blood cells (which are bad, they shouldn't be there). Brennan was looking over my shoulder this entire time and asking me about how fast/how many there were. I let him look at the scope and his face just dropped. Even if they were just immature sperm, the condition of the mature ones would lead to pretty serious infertility problems. Why did I agree to be a part of this? There are some things we don't need to know about our friends/coworkers...but he wouldn't let me stop here.
I made a smear of his semen and stained it so I could see what's up. They were white blood cells. Tons of them. Brennan went completely silent and I could tell he was super upset (understandably). He started researching online and decided that it was most likely due to prostatitis, gonorrhea, or chlamydia. (He's kinda slutty, so I'm guessing it's an STD)
He barely said a word the rest of the night, which is completely out of character for this cocky, confident, outgoing dude. I felt so bad...and super awkward. There's no way in hell I'm doing this again with Dale...we're just going to assume that he wins at this point.
Brennan made a doctors appointment for later this week to get tested; we'll see how it goes. Meanwhile, he's still silent and I still can't look him in the eyes.
TL;DR: I analyzed my coworker, Brennan's, semen so he could determine if he was "manlier" than our other coworker, Dale. Brennan had some pretty serious abnormalities and things got really awkward. He has to go get checked out by a doctor now. As his female friend, I should not know such personal details about him. Things are going to be weird for awhile.
EDIT: Many people are pointing out that this really isn't a fuck up since I helped him discover a potentially serious medical condition. You're right. It's awkward and I feel bad about it, but in the end it was definitely a good thing. I got a lot of good advice to put the awkardness aside and just be there for him as his friend and the only one who knows about it. I called him this morning to see how he was doing, and he said he has a doctor's appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. We started talking about other stuff when he began giving me shit for having to go in early tonight to meet with the supervisors. I said, "At least I don't have Chlamydia." He laughed and told me to fuck off. I laughed too and we said goodbye. We good.
Joker4479: Look at the bright side, you helped a friend treat an STD he didn't know he had
xSegador: Saving lifes by testing semen.
MateoHardini: I first read this as saving lives by tasting semen...
LazyFigure: I'm sure the two were once synonymous.
-Spider-Man-: If I wasn't a poor ass teenager I would give you gold. I can't stop laughing.
iwishiwasnorwegian: Aunt May would be disappointed at you spending money on Reddit.
-Spider-Man-: Yah I know. Wait who's aunt may. I dont have an aunt may I'm spider-man not some ~~Peter Parker~~ random person with an aunt may!
SnarkusRazzmore: I can't hear the TV Billy.
| 9 | 159.111111 | |
1412042966 | 1412043419 | t3_2humcr | t5_2to41 | 3 | idapoopypants: TIFU by trying to fart
moosobay: You created a new reddit account just for the purpose of telling people that you're still actually shitting yourself?
Wowza.
ravage790: Sounds like a shitty time
| 3 | 1 | |
1412042968 | 1412206864 | t3_2humcy | t5_2to41 | 44 | jambawilly: TIFU by sleeping extremely hard...
This happened a few years ago and I just happened to think about it today!
I had brought a girl to my barracks room, and after we were done making sweet sweet sweaty passionate sexy time, we fell asleep. She obviously put it down, because I was knocked the hell out. But at some point during the night, I wake up and I go use the bathroom. That particular barracks room was quite small, its almost like a hotel, there are two bedrooms separated form each other and a shared kitchen/bathroom. I say that because it took me awhile to get to the bathroom. Anyway, Im walking to the bathroom and I notice things are kind of different. I cant put my finger on what or why, but I make a mental note in my head. I get to the bathroom and I make number 1. And it is the BEST feeling number 1 a man can have. It felt so damn good! I flush the toilet and float back to my bedroom. Then I ask myself why am I floating?
Thats when I wake up. I open my eyes and realize im still in bed, with her spooning me, an arm around my stomach and one leg cocked over me. I have an extremely brief internal struggle as to what the fuck im going to do, because the smell of the pee and the cold was getting to me. I decide to wake her up and tell her she needs to go to her room(same building, different floor) I make up a quick lie about how I had gotten a call and I needed to go to work(we both work at a hospital) and she's extremely confused. She asks me why she cant stay there till she gets back and I draw a blank.
This entire conversation she's still spooning me and im pulling the covers over my crotch to cover the pee smell and any stains she might see. She yanks the covers back because she's cold and then she ask me why the sheets are wet. Inside im crying. this is literally the most embarrassing thing to ever happen in my life. In the end I confess and tell her I had the pee dream, but didnt wake up and she was actually really fucking cool about it. I took a quick shower, put my sheets in the washing machine, scrubbed my mattress and she waited for me. We went up to her room and went back to sleep.
TL;DR: I peed the bed while cuddled with a girl and we dated for two years.
[deleted]: Dude, how old are you that you still piss the bed?
Ice been passed out drunk and came to to take a piss
jambawilly: it was a extremely realistic dream ok! i fucked up!
[deleted]: But but but...
The_Reaper95: Yeah, way to hit a man whilst he's down. You have drunk and not pissed the bed but I doubt you've had a girlfriend for the past two years like OP.
[deleted]: Funny.
I was a bachelor for years and years. I had a great place to fuck chicks...
Then I grew up and married.
*last time I pissed my bed was in 1st grade
The_Reaper95: Yeah, so you are trying to make OP feel bad by fucking up then try to brag or whatever it is you're doing by talking about all the chicks you have fucked and how you're married.
I am telling you now OP is not insecure, no where near as you are making yourself out to be.
[deleted]: Naw man, I just never heard of a non-alcoholic man pissing his bed.
Keep the downvotes up.
I speak my mind, not what others want to see.
Fuck all you bedwetters
The_Reaper95: [Riiiiiight.](http://media.giphy.com/media/jeXiz1RAvzX44/giphy-facebook_s.jpg)
[deleted]: Shut up bed wetter
The_Reaper95: Zip it.
[deleted]: Says ^^ plastic sheets boy
The_Reaper95: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-**zip**-it A.
| 13 | 3.384615 | |
1412043525 | 1412051453 | t3_2hundk | t5_2to41 | 35 | 8upsoupsandwich: TIFU by taking cock sauce to the face (SFW)
This happened last night:
Having traveled over 3000 miles across country, my wife and I decided to order some take out to be first meal in our new home because at this point we do not have any furniture or kitchenware that isn't trapped inside a cardboard sarcophagus . We had eaten pizza recently during our cross country trip, so Chinese was the obvious choice. After bringing home some food from a local restaurant I loaded up my plate with some potstickers, sesame chicken, and Szechuan beef. Suddenly I realized I needed some Sriracha to make this meal perfect.
I remembered that I had a new bottle squirreled away somewhere and saw that my mother-in-law (who was helping us unpack) had placed it in our pantry. I hurried to grab the bottle as I anticipated how delicious my meal was going to be. After unscrewing the cap I noticed some residue, which is not normal for a sealed bottle. I decided it was a good idea to investigate this issue instead of ignoring it and moving forward. I squeezed the bottle and heard the sound of air coming from somewhere. Thinking this was strange, I started to squeeze again (like an idiot) only to break the seal....
The sound of the "pop" when the (not-so) air tight seal failed was deafening. I tried to prepare as felt cock sauce spray all over my face. There was a one second delay as my brain tried to process what was going on before my face, eyes, and nostrils burst into garlicky flames. I realized in horror what I had done as panic started to take hold. The only way I can describe the pain is to quote Johnny Knoxville: "I feel like my eyes have gonorrhea!"
Sadly I had no milk to pour on my face because our refrigerator only had beer and soda in it so I settled for stripping my clothes and jumping into the shower to rinse this delicious lava off my face. I thought that it was only my eyes feeling the brunt of the cock sauce attack, but my runny nose caused me to snort up some of the chili sauce into my nostrils thus increasing my pain and discomfort.
As tears, snot, and Sriracha ran down my face, my wife (who is a nurse) gave me the best advice she could in order to mitigate the intense pain I felt and eventually I was able to function. I rinsed what was left of the Sriracha and my dignity down the drain, and at this point I was happy to have my Chinese food sans Sriracha.
Tl;dr: I received a Sriracha facial. It feels as bad as it sounds.
cheeseflap: Am I the only one that thought 'cock sauce' was something else entirely?
littlehunts: No.
cheeseflap: Must be a brand name, but I'm fucking sure I'm not googling it.
littlehunts: Do it.
cheeseflap: OK, done. Cannot unsee.
littlehunts: My work here is done.
| 7 | 5 | |
1409642966 | 1409648517 | t3_2f8o89 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by not putting my toys up
This happened a few hours ago. I was horny so I called my bf, he didn't answer. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do so I took care of it. Got off, shoved everything under my pillow and passed out. Couple hours later he's calling talking about open the door. He sits in my bed and is on the pillow. What's this? A pillow idiot. Nope it's a vibrator, quite a big one. He's mad although I don't know why. And I'm embarrassed.
flywheel1983: Either he's mad cause it's bigger than he is or he's mad that he didnt get there in time.
If he's not mad about either of them... then who knows?
LearnToLoveMe: I don't think it's bigger but it could be. He just kept asking why I need it when I have him?
flywheel1983: Heheh, he is just a little bit insecure. Ask him about his masturbatory habits... if guys could use a vibrator without being insecure about their masculinity ;)
LearnToLoveMe: I think were gonna have to have a "lesson" in the morning. Lol
flywheel1983: Just a FYI some males scream when anything gets put in their own ass :p
LearnToLoveMe: True... But he did spend 5 years in prison so I can only assume he's used to having things up his ass lol
flywheel1983: Mm prison wallet.
LearnToLoveMe: I wanna ask him sooo bad but he gets mad when I ask about prison. Shit I'm curious.
flywheel1983: It's not fun, longest time-out ever with shitty guardians that aren't watching.
| 10 | 1.9 | |
1412042825 | 1412080998 | t3_2hum3y | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally friending a very hot guy from work on Facebook... No, we have never spoken
So I've been at this job for a little over 2 months, and I've pretty much had a giant crush on this dude since day 1. The first time he walked into my team's morning meeting, I did a double take. He looks exactly like Ryan Reynolds. Swoon.
Naturally I have found him on Facebook, because I'm weird and lonely and creepy and I suck at being normal. Today I accidentally friended him. I was scrolling with my little mouse pad on my laptop and accidentally clicked the "send friend request" button.... >:(
I feel like a total creepy fucking loser. Because I most definitely am a total creepy fucking loser. And this is a brand new job, where I'm still trying to make a good impression and have people take me seriously! UGH. Anyways, for what it's worth thanks for reading my rant and please take my advice and DON'T CREEP PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK that you wouldn't be at least semi ok accidentally friending them or liking something from their past. Thanks and have a good night.
orange_octopus: send him a message NOW, say "hey, it's packerchic322 from the xyz team, we haven't spoken yet but I'm trying to get to know everyone around the office!"
then it looks like you friended him while searching around for your co-workers. add a few of your other co-workers to lend credence to your theory.
if he has any suspicions that you're stalking him, you earn the benefit of the doubt with this excuse. WIN
if he likes you then he'll be glad you opened a line of communication and will be more open to chatting at the office. DOUBLE WIN.
packerchic322: So in my panic I actually did friend several other people from the office for this very reason. It's comforting that someone else thinks this is a good idea. Thanks internet friend!
koterkoerko: Thanks internet friend!
Made me remember the swampling from *Simon the Sorcerer*
| 4 | 17 | |
1409640701 | 1409679843 | t3_2f8m34 | t5_2to41 | 41 | TIFU-boy: TIFU by jerking it with hand soap.
Hey everyone,
This incident happened a while ago; back in high school, I believe.
It was just a regular day off. I was chilling at home and decided to jerk it before taking my shower. I usually use conditioner as lube to get the deed done, but on that particular day, we were out.
So, stupid me decides that it would be a good idea to use our hand soap instead. Don't get me wrong; it was an amazing jerk off session, but things started going downhill fast.
My dick literally became all red and it stung every time something came into contact with it. I shrugged it off in hopes that it would heal overnight. Man, was I wrong.
The next day, I awoke to piercing pains in my genital area. I went to the bathroom to investigate further. It wasn't looking good: My penis had made a transformation. It was now all dry and scaly, looking like some kind of reptilian shedding its skin. As before, anything coming into contact with it would cause me severe pain.
I was scared, but I decided to man up and see if it would heal on its own. So, for the next couple of days I tried to move as little as possible to avoid any pain in the crotchal regions.
Two days passed, and my dick was still the scaly reptilian that I feared. I was beginning to grow worried. Visions of my penis just falling off repeating in my mind. I started to panic.
I thought it might just be time to tell my Dad the whole story. Come clean and see if there was any way of preventing my dick from falling off.
I know many of you might not believe this story, but I swear to you; I was so close to having that conversation with my Dad. I was so scared that I had damaged my goods in an irreparable way.
After much thought and consideration, I was just too embarrassed about the whole situation to go through with seeking help. I pussied out and put up with the pain and luckily, my dick healed completely after a couple of weeks.
This incident really made me appreciate life. When your dick is throbbing in pain constantly, it's hard to appreciate the moment.
I'm so fucking glad that I didn't have that conversation with my Dad. I know that in an alternate universe, there's a version of me that will never make eye-contact with my Dad ever again.
Yaka95: I dont get it, why does everyone use something to FAP? I only use my skin...
Instantcretin: Some prefer it that way, im un-mutilated so i can get away without using any lube. Some people prefer the sensation.
Yaka95: Oh so everyone who uses stuff is mostly mutilated? I only recently found out that most Americans were mutilated a birth.
VicinityGhost: I don't know, I'm circumcised and I rarely ever use stuff
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1412045987 | 1412058320 | t3_2huro6 | t5_2to41 | 100 | sbdb: TIFU by spanking my girlfriend in front of my professor
Backstory: I go to a small private christian university of which my girlfriends dad is the vice president.
This happened an hour ago..
Walking into class tonight i said good bye to my girlfriend and gave her an aggressive love tap and a kiss after which we both look up and make eye contact with my professor. Normally a cheerful guy who is always smiling his face is riddled with disapproval. She walks away as fast as she can and I walk the final 20 yards into the class with him. I tried to not walk next to him but that just made it more awkward. He gave me a death stare while I was taking my test and there was a clear unspoken disapproval. This is the only time I haven't seen him smile in class. To make it worse he gave me full credit on all the late work I turned in the other day. I have a feeling my test will be graded a little bit tougher now.
Chunky_Diva_Soup: It's 2014. There are way worse things than a "wanted" slap on the ass by your gf.
sbdb: I'm more worried about it reaching her father, which I'm sure it will. Her conservative lutheran father…who already knows the shit I've been caught doing at school
Chunky_Diva_Soup: My advice is keep the gf happy and the father won't do anything.
50_Trails_Of_Snails: I agree, dad likes to see daughter happy
| 5 | 20 | |
1409646234 | 1409648507 | t3_2f8r1j | t5_2to41 | 31 | ProjectOrigin: TIFU - by punching a one armed man in the face
So tonight I was at a local wing place with my friends just grabbing a bite, when this guy is getting really rowdy by yelling at the staff and other customers. We were minding our own business for most of it and we saw that the guy went into the washroom for about a good 10 minutes or so. Fast forward those 10 minutes and this guy is back out yelling and is heading towards the door when he focuses on an older man sitting alone eating. The guy swung on him and me and my friend ran over and pinned him down in a matter of seconds. We were told by staff that cops are coming and to bring him outside so we started to drag him to the door. His girlfriend/wife/crackwhore started to violently pull at my arm so I ripped my arm away and told her to fuck off. He hears her say "DONT TOUCH ME" which made no sense because I hadn't even touched her.He hears this and goes into a rage and breaks free and hits me in the face. I slam this guy into the wall fairly hard and hes still hitting my face. I then pick him up and slam him onto a table that some old couple was eating at, causing food, glass, drink, etc to go flying and I begin laying punches because at this point I just saw red after being punched in the face multiple times. I get yanked off of him, and he picks up a chair and almost hits me when another customer gets it away from him. At this point I hear my buddy "Holy shit , where's his arm!" I look over to see that this man has only one arm and I failed to realize this the entire time. I'm now the guy who beats up cripples...I don't really feel bad because of the situation, however my friends won't let me live this down.
TLDR; Tried to assist staff getting violent man out of the restaurant, ended up getting into a fight and winning, man turned out to be a cripple. I beat up a cripple.
NoonBeers: That really got out of hand.
Chukwuuzi: Gotta hand it to him though, did a good job.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1409647078 | 1409662227 | t3_2f8rox | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU, by seeing multiple escorts during the summer.
[deleted]: dude you are fine. STDs don't reside in saliva. if you received oral, it can only be transmitted from you to her, not the other way around.
thebadgerDGAF: Actually some of them do, its just not enough to transfer from one carrier to the next
| 3 | 1 | |
1412045085 | 1412047153 | t3_2huq51 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Wumaduce: TIFU by accidently calling my girlfriend fat.
This just happened.
I was hanging out at my girlfriends house watching movies with her. She asked if there were any chips in the kitchen, so I got her the bag and she started eating them. After a few minutes I was getting really tired and wanted to get going home, so I asked if she was ready for bed. She told me she was wide awake and not ready for bed, to which I responded "you don't need to be eating those chips."
Apparently that means she's fat, not that they're going to keep her awake. She got pissed, I apologized and left. I tried calling her when I got home, and she just ignored it. Oops. So now I'm posting it on reddit.
Tl;Dr - you don't need chips.
InfiniteWalrus09: Well is she? I've been in similar situations because they were indeed over weight. Never called them fat, and I loved them, but they needed to stop eating just to eat.
Wumaduce: No, she isn't at all. She's 5'5, 125. She says she's getting fat because she eats too much junk food (read: chips), but she isn't.
| 3 | 3 | |
1412045001 | 1412103769 | t3_2huq09 | t5_2to41 | 491 | Cynical-C: TIFU by saying that I would Google something.
This happened today actually.
A few weeks ago Microsoft came to my university for a recruiting event. They told us about all the wonders of moving to Seattle and how nice it is to work for them. I was sold. I've always wanted to move to Seattle. This was perfect. I turned in a resume and that was it. A week later I got an email saying I got an interview that would take place 2 weeks later (today).
Fast forward to today and I head to the interview. Now keep in mind I have been building this up in my head for 2 weeks. I'm kinda freaking out and having an anxiety attack. I pull it together as the interviewer takes me back. We start talking. I'm doing okay. I didn't really ace the first few questions. I had a hard time explaining a few things that I had worked on in the past. I struggle a little with the coding portion, but in the end I am able to get what I think is the right answer. The interviewer didn't really let me know. He was very scarce with his feedback at all.
Then the final portion. "Do you have any questions for me?"
There were 3 that I had prepared, but I could only remember 2. I asked the first 2 and then got caught up.
"I have one more that is on the tip of my tongue." I pause for a second but I can see him getting impatient.
"Ummm...oh well. It will come to me later. I'll just Google it."
It occurred to me what I had just said as soon as the words came out. I just said I would use the competitor in the biggest interview of my life. The interviewer looked at me with this expression that said, "really?"
I tried to make a joke out of it, but at that point I feel like it didn't really help. I'm just going to continue being unemployed now.
Edit: I'm getting a lot of comments saying that what I did wasn't that bad and that Microsoft shouldn't have a stick up their ass about it. The interviewer didn't have a crazy reaction to it. Just a puzzled look as to why I would mention the competitor. He didn't insult me, hint that I was now not going to get the job, or otherwise react in anyway out of the ordinary. I would have had the same reaction in that situation. I was also nervous and probably reading way to far into things. For all I know, he didn't mind the mentioning or the follow up attempted fix and I just couldn't read him right because of nerves.
There is also a lot of comments insulting Microsoft and their interview process. That's not what this is about. This is simply about me wanting to get a job. The pay is good, the work seems at a normal level, and the hours are reasonable. The whole point of the story is, saying you will "Google" something at a Microsoft interview is not the best thing to say. Stop reading further into it than that.
cheeseflap: See, this is actually Microsoft's fault. "I'll just Bing it" doesn't sound right.
Cynical-C: I tried to say that immediately after. Followed by a sort of comical "Forgive me!" but the guy's sense of humor seemed a little dry at that point and it didn't give him the laugh I was hoping for to fix the situation.
wwickeddogg: After that you should have looked him in the eye and said "maybe I should just Apple it," without looking away until he did first. Showing your dominance always gets you the job.
IceFire909: Not like he was getting Steve's job anyway..
While we're at it, he should ask Jeeves.
The_Reaper95: If I ever were to become rich I'll hire a butler named Jeeves and bide my time waiting for someone to not know where something is and when they ask me I will reply with "I don't know, ask Jeeves".. Only to realize no one will ever get that reference because it's by minimum 2014 and I have not seen anyone use Ask Jeeves for at least 8 years.
IceFire909: Oh my god, that's like the ultimate internet dad-joke
The_Reaper95: Would it matter that I'm not a father or won't ever be one?
IceFire909: Not really. You don't have to be white to tell racist jokes. Hell, you may be able to forge the greatest dad jokes if you never intend to be one.
The_Reaper95: Hmm.. Could be a business plan, either that or great fun for parties I never go too.
| 10 | 49.1 | |
1412044197 | 1412097976 | t3_2huokq | t5_2to41 | 11 | CherreBell: TIFU by accidentally going into the men's (occupied) shower room at my Gym.
I joined my local gym a month ago and had yet to use the locker rooms. Today I decided I wanted to swim, so I put my stuff into my duffel bag and everything was going just fine.
When I was done swimming, you leave and enter this joint hot tub for men and women, where the entrance to the men's locker room is to the right, and the women's is too the left.
I got confused and accidentally walked into the men's shower room. There were two dudes with their backs to me, and for a sec I was standing there in my swim suit wondering if they were really buff looking women (we have those here too). Then one turned around and uttered a surprised sound and I'm sure I did the same and I backed the fuck out of there.
It all happened in just under like 30 seconds, but it was so embarrassing!!
Semi related, but apparently only the swim team can use the dive boards too.. and I used one and got called out by the life guard about not being allowed to use them if you aren't on the team. Not that big of a deal but I was kinda flustered and then BAM accidentally walk in on two guys that are buck naked.
Please tell me I'm not the only one that's walked into the wrong damn shower room. So embarrassing. GAH.
koterkoerko: Wow.. 30 seconds?? You sure took a good look...
But as you're a female walking into a male shower, it's no biggie.
The guys probably didn't mind, and being a woman you won't get arrested for it :)
[deleted]: Agreed...had you not been freaked out, they probably would have invited you to stay.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409638520 | 1409649582 | t3_2f8jti | t5_2to41 | 11 | OctoSniper: TIFU by trading a watch for a highlighter
This happened when I was in 1st grade, but it still haunts me to this day. Okay, so at school during that time every kid had these mini highlighters that I thought were pretty cool. I had a pretty expensive watch that my dad bought me at Macy's it had a laser pointer and it was cool. So for some reason I thought the ducking highlighter was cooler so I traded some ducking kid my watch for his stupid mini green highlighter. Felt no regret. Went home all excited waiting for my dad to get back from work to tell him about my awesome highlighter. He gets home. Before I tell him anything he asks where my watch is. I take out the highlighter from my pocket all happy and tell him what I did. He gets really mad, yells at me and takes my GameCube away. When I stop crying I notice that I traded a watch with a laser pointer for a ducking highlighter. I notice how stupid I am and never see the world the same way.
zsxdflip: I am so fucking confused right now. Duck kids and duck highlighters? What the fuck are those!?
OctoSniper: Autocorrect did this on phone lol
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409648403 | 1409794917 | t3_2f8sth | t5_2to41 | 97 | [deleted]: TIFU by blowing my load all over my face
Forgive me for my English as French is my mother tongue
So, like my last post this also happened a few months ago with SO. A little bit of back-story is that it had been a while since I had seen my SO let alone stick my meat thermometer in her meat wallet. She was having her exam week at the local college so I gave her the respect of letting her study and do her exams. When she finally finished her exam week we celebrated by going out to Earls (which is a restaurant here in my town) We had lots to drink and a pretty big meal. We then went to my home and proceeded to watch some Netflix in my movie room. I couldn't wait till the end of the movie. After around two weeks of no sex I'm getting very turned on by the boobs my hands are resting over and the occasional kiss I get. Me being hard as a rock an starting to get uncomfortable, I imitate sex by starting to undo her jeans. Apparently she feels the same way because she immediately turned around and started to make out with me and takes off my shirt. I then pick up my bottomless girlfriend and carry her to my room. I lay her down and we both undress each other. We start in missionary. I'm feeling good and I fear I may cum sooner than usual. So I slow it down a bit, she notices and tells me. "would you like me to go on top?" I guess she thinks I'm tired. I accept and we switch positions. She goes on top and starts to ride me. She starts going ham, riding me like she's getting paid. I start to feel like I'm going to cum. Two minutes later I'm barely holding my load back. I finally yell "I'm going to cum!" She's on Birth Control pills but I still like to pull out just to finish on her. (it feels more accomplishing to see what I just shot out of my disco stick.) But I've never came with her on top. So right as she gets off me I stare down my urethra like the barrel of a gun pointed right at my face. She gives me a couple of strokes and my cum shoots at my face like water out of a pressure washer. It is all over my face from right below my lip up to my tear duct and a little bit on my forehead. My eyes are shut from fear of that nasty shit falling in my eyes. I hear her barely keeping back her laughter as she says sorry and that "I thought it was going to land-" she just bursts out laughing "- I thought it was going to land on your belly!" She kisses me on my lips and licks a little bit of my own cum off my face then gets me a towel to wash myself off.
She told me thought my cum would only go up to my chest and she was going to lick it off my all sexually.
TL;DR: Pulled out and gave myself a facial
EDIT: Auto-correct
EDIT: [twoxchromosones post](http://redd.it/2f8vax)
TheEnKrypt: > she immediately turned around and started to make out with me and takes off my shit.
I hate it when you put effort and undo your girlfriend's jeans and they just end up taking your shit for it.
MrTemporary96: I will accept the defeat of auto correct. Just kidding. Edit incoming
Maxed2k0: Your girlfriend looks amazing haha
MrTemporary96: Ex now unfortunately. And yes, she was amazing and the love of my life. I have many funny stories/fuckups to share about her and I.
| 5 | 19.4 | |
1412046567 | 1412048252 | t3_2husoe | t5_2to41 | 16 | fozzarz: TIFU by laughing at the wrong time
This happened about 3 years ago.
I was in my english class, sitting next to one of my good friends and as usual we were playing video games on our ipods because we'd finished the assignment and the class was super easy. Our teacher was nice, but somewhat absent minded and liked to ramble sometimes for almost the whole class, so we were paying more attention to our game than to her. After playing the game for a while and trying desperately to beat a certain level, we finally did it and for some reason I remember it being really funny because we barely made it. We start laughing our asses off and high-fiving when I start to realize, to my horror, that the class is extraordinarily quiet. Turns out my teacher broke down into tears because her step-father who had raised her as a child had passed away over the weekend, and while this was happening, my friend and I were absently laughing like idiots, totally oblivious to the subject at hand. The whole class was turned around looking at us with the most disgusted looks on their faces.
TL;DR: I laughed at my teachers dead dad, whole class thinks I'm hitler
Empty6: Why would she be at work if her step-father died over the weekend? If you start breaking into tears at work you obviously should be with family mourning the loss.
fozzarz: Think it was a monday and she heard about it sunday night. Pretty sure she was gone a few days after that anyways.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1412047202 | 1412120683 | t3_2hutqu | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating without taking percautions
A little backstory. I have NEVER been caught doing "it," and lately I have let my guard down and have just been doing it whenever I feel like it. So earlier today, I started doing it, and it did not even come to mind that I would get caught, so I just put my headphones on, and did my thing. You guys know what happens in between so I'll skip that. Anyways, as I was finishing up (cleaning the mess), my dad opens the door to my room which scares the absolute shit out of me, and I pull up my pants with ninja like speed. At this point, I was sure he caught me but this is how our conversation went:
* Dad: What are you doing?!
* Me: Nothing.. D:
* Dad: Is it really hot in you're room??
* Me: what? uh yeah... ( um does he not know??)
* Dad: haha its okay you dont have to be so scared, its just me, dad.
* Me: Um its still weird though if you see my dick (okay , i think he thought my pants were down because I was hot!)
* Dad: haha ok... are you feeling better? (I am sick)
* Me: Yeah
* Dad: You should sleep now, it's late
* Me: okay night
* Dad: night
Now I'm not sure if he knows or not what I was doing. What do I do? Please help. I am so fucking scared
JeremyR22: He knew. Absolutely, definitely, 100% certainly, he knew.
Look on the bright side, though. He'll never, ever walk into your room unannounced again.
MathewTurnac: Not everyone learns their lesson about walking in on people, my sister has walked in on me a total of 3 times. Would have thought she would learn to knock after the first time had my PC hooked up to my TV which faced the door and had a slideshow of my porn folder's images playing (she walked in while it was probably the "worst" image too), had to cover up (was 2 am so being naked wasn't something odd) before I could bother with the remote to turn the TV off. I never used my TV for porn in that room again :/
| 3 | 2 | |
1412045909 | 1412132731 | t3_2hurjp | t5_2to41 | 3 | Blanco_Caballero: TIFU Inadvertently proving that I'm not racist
Using a throwaway because not sure if classmates use Reddit. So this happened about two weeks into the new semester. It was the second week of classes and though my class sizes are small, I still wasn't familiar with everyone. The class I'm in is 95% women and the seat I ended up with was next to a disabled, white woman. This woman is substantially impaired. She has a laptop with a program that records what the professor is saying and reads it back to her in some kind of robotic language. I know this because her headphones are EXTREMELY FUCKING LOUD and to the point of distraction. She is also almost completely blind and has very limited mobility; she uses a cane. When she speaks she will often use certain catch phrases; something I assume she has adapted to do in order to fit in. The long, thin desks are arranged in a rectangular pattern with everyone staring at each other. Across the way from me is a black woman. She speaks very slowly with a heavy Southern draw. She also will constantly ask off topic questions irrelevant to the discussion while slowly rolling her hands in the air as if she is holding an invisible beach ball. When she is done delivering her incoherent amalgamation of ideas, she will hold a squinted expression as the professor tries to mitigate the question into something meaningful. The first week of class the black woman shows up wearing a suit. When asked about the fancy attire, she explains that she has a job interview later that day. Half an hour or so passes and the first class is dismissed. I return the following week for class number two right on time. The professor is reviewing some of her things and the classroom is in that awkward sort of pre-class dead silence. Thinking it would be a nice thing to do, I decide to initiate friendly conversation with the disabled woman next to me. In a complete Freudian slip of the worst kind I ask her, with the entire classroom listening including the black woman, "how did your job interview go?" I realized my mistake instantly and my stomach lurched. The eyes of an entire classroom of women descended upon me in the few seconds it took for disabled woman's laptop to read to her my question. The entire class had realized my mix up. "Huh? I didn't go to a job interview." She responded. I turn, horrified, to black woman across the room who already had a reply waiting "Uh... dat wuh me." I was embarrassed to the point that I couldn't bring myself to participate or even take notes the entire class. BUT. At least I proved in the most honest form possible that I'm not racist.
TL;DR I mixed up two functionally retarded people of opposite races in front of my class.
molndane: You may have just proved that you are indeed racist.
The_Reaper95: Because he could not remember the color of the two women with disabilities, one said they were going to a job interview, he mixed the two of them up.. If both women were the same race and he couldn't tell the difference maybe then it would actually look like he is not racist but I think he saying that it now looks like he is not racist because he didn't specifically mix up the women because of their race but rather because he was forgetful.
molndane: ahhh, I see
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412045086 | 1412132674 | t3_2huq53 | t5_2to41 | 11 | YelledAtGuy: TIFU by Yelling at a Person With Down Syndrome
Done on a throwaway. I'm kinda new to reddit, and honestly don't want this to be my, what, third post on my account?
Not today, was actually about 2 years ago now. I was reading some of the "top" TIFU and was reminded of this incident.
I go to a high school with a small population of kids with Down Syndrome and other disabilities. The program is great, and 99% of the other students are really respectful of them and are just great to kids with disabilities, rather than being bullies.
Except this one guy.
I hear and see him every so often imitating and making fun of kids with Down Syndrome and it drives me nuts. He's a generally mean guy. I have only ever encountered him in one hallway, and on that day, I was pretty irked by him. I didn't see him, but I heard him impersonating the way those guys speak again. I got so mad, and I yelled "OH SHIT WILL YOU STOP THAT, IT'S SO DISRESPECTFUL" as I turned around to face the source of the noise. If you read the title, you'll know I just yelled that at one of the kids with Down Syndrome.
I stared a moment in horror at what I just did. Kid didn't care. I don't remember what anyone else in the hall said or did, but it never hit me then or later. Walked on and continued with life after.
molndane: So the bully has downs?
thethrowawaystalker: No, he thought he heard the bully doing an imitation and in reality it was a genuine downs syndrome kid. He didn't bother to look around and make sure it was the bully, he just incorrectly assumed it was.
Although it has occurred to me that you might have asked that in jest. Oh well, just in case.
molndane: It wasn't a jest, I just read it out of context. thanks though
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1412046767 | 1412051170 | t3_2hut00 | t5_2to41 | 36 | shiftcommathree: TIFU by thinking my teeth were a good substitute for a knife
I made myself a smoothie for the first time today and decided to add some ginger. For context, I've been eating a lot of ginger in random things--even oatmeal--because it allegedly helps my shitty joints, and I've gotten to the point where I can eat scraps of it plain/raw. Seeing as none of the other ingredients needed a knife (blueberries, raspberries, a banana), I thought to myself, why not just bite off a hunk of ginger and put it in?
A piece did not just snap off in my mouth like I'd imagined. God no. My teeth slowly compacted many, many layers of spicy fibers, never quite severing them. I pulled and tore, which only served to release more juice-fire into my mouth. The afterburn was the worst part. I actually started crying. My tongue--no, my whole mouth will never be the same.
AuspiciousReindeer: You scared the shit out of me, I thought it was going to end with a mouth full of missing teeth.
When I first met my wife's family in China, her mother was cutting ginger in preperation for dinner and my wife asked her for a piece and then offered it to me. I looked at her mother and she just stared blankly waiting. I popped that sucker in and started chewing, assuming it was natural. Never had I tasted raw ginger and boy was I surprised. At that point they both started laughing and I realized where my wife got her sense of humor from.
shiftcommathree: This is a very cute story & somehow I found it extra cute because I'm a Chinese woman. I eat a lot of ginger... but I guess not enough to be immune to its power! Hubris :)
| 3 | 12 | |
1412048614 | 1412085643 | t3_2huw1j | t5_2to41 | 2,989 | MicrowavedMyFeces: TIFU by accidentally microwaving my stool sample in the office kitchen.
The following is going to be gross, and I apologize: For the past weeks, every few bowel movements I have noticed some weird blood mixed in with the feces. Obviously I took this as a bad sign, and made an appointment with a doctor. I was told to bring a stool sample.
My doctors appointment was after work today. So in the fridge, in my lunch bag, I had two tupperware containers. One was my stool sample, the other was leftover chinese food.
On a lot of days at work I tend to drink a bit to get through the day. I have some vodka in my water bottle. I never get plastered or even drunk, but I like to maintain a nice buzz. A steady buzz really helps you through the shift and dissolves the stress. Also makes me much more sociable and likeable with my co-workers. On days when I am not buzzed people tend to ask me "what's wrong?" or remark that I am quieter than usual. I kind of need that buzz.
For whatever reason, maybe nerves about the doctors appointment, I overdid it with the drinking today.
When I went on my lunch break I was drunk. I was also wearing headphones. So I was just kind of spaced out. Drunk, lost in the haze of the music, etc. My mind was elsewhere as I prepared my lunch.
I left to go to the bathroom while my food was microwaving. I get back to the kitchen and I see people gathered around the microwave with looks of revulsion on their face. It is then that I am hit with a putrid odor. In horror, I stumbled toward the microwave and saw that I had microwaved my stool sample.
Not only had it heated up, but some of it had exploded and coated the interior of the microwave with boiling shit. Somebody threw up in the trash can.
I stuttered some sort of excuse about microwaving the wrong thing, and reached in to try to grab the container, but I dropped it on the floor. Then I threw up. When I looked up again people were staring at me with horror and disgust. I was physically overwhelmed with a terrible sensation of dread and shame. I grabbed paper towels to try to clean, but I was no longer functioning on any real mental level and just sort of stood there shaking.
At some point somebody came alone who was very polite, but clearly trying in a very forced way to hide their disturbance, and they said I could go home. Instead I just sat on a bench in the parking lot for a few hours.
I think I will quit my job. If I'm not already fired. How I can face these people again is incomprehensible. No, it isn't possible. It will have to be a new job for me. Not to mention a new doctor. I can never explain why I missed my appointment.
thinbuddha: Have you considered the possibility that you may have a drinking problem? Epic fuck up. You should use this as a way to have your job pay for you to attend a program to help with your drinking problem.
MicrowavedMyFeces: It has occurred to me I have a drinking problem.
However, it did not occur me that work would pay for this. I don't know. Even so I can't go back there.
Dhalphir: They will not pay for this if they have a policy against drinking on the job. You'll just be fired.
MicrowavedMyFeces: I don't know that there is a specific policy. Do companies have that spelled out? I always thought it'd be more of an unwritten understanding. But corporations are corporations so maybe you're right.
fishwin: Yep most companies will specifically say no alcohol or drugs, mostly jobs which involve you speaking to customers or clients. I know several professions where drinking on the job is allowed, but only at a sensible level.
Regardless, if they aren't going to fire you for that accident, they certainly WILL fire you if they find out it only happened because you were drinking. I would keep it to yourself, hopefully nobody in the office is a redditor.
DragonFireKai: You know who I really feel sorry for? The other guy. The one who accidentally microwaved his stool sample at work while sober, who gets fired because their boss is a redditor, and assumes that he was this guy, and fires him for drinking on the job.
fishwin: If someone (while sober) decides to keep their stool sample in the fridge & then accidentally microwaves it, he without a doubt deserves to get fired. That's just stupidity at a moronic level. If someone is really absent-minded enough to do that, i don't think you can really trust them with anything in a professional field.
_YouMadeMeDoItReddit: Oh come on, like you've never made a mistake. If you have then you should have just been aborted, nobody can be trusted if they make a mistake, pfft.
fishwin: Putting a dump in the fridge is not a mistake. It's a HUGE lapse of judgement which he didn't even attempt to correct until he went on his break to heat it up. Going to fridge and KNOWING that there is shit in one container & food in the other & not even bothering to check properly before you put it in the microwave is plain retarded.
_YouMadeMeDoItReddit: So have you never done the same thing everyday e.g. brush your teeth then put the toothbrush back in the same spot without really thinking about it? Then one day you put your toothbrush in the wrong spot and accidentally pick up another one later and start using that?
If he microwaves his lunch everyday, which is a possibility, he could have just grabbed it thrown it in out of habit and set it off. Having a habit does not make you a retard. It was a monumental fuck up but sometimes you just forget and are so used to doing something you just auto-pilot it.
SlimJim84: Then he's a moron for keeping both his food and sample in the same bag. However you look at it, it's stupidity, caused by being a drunk, which is even more stupidity.
_YouMadeMeDoItReddit: Mental illness = stupidity now? Go educate yourself, if you honestly think that way you're just as much a waste a space as you think he is.
SlimJim84: Yeah, I'm still surprised alcoholism managed to make its way into the DSM.
*I drink and choose to get drunk and cannot stop, therefore I clearly have a mental illness and I deserve special treatment by everybody everywhere.*
_YouMadeMeDoItReddit: Well you're a real piece of shit. There is so much more to it than that.
SlimJim84: Of course there's so much more. Beer? Whiskey? Vodka? So many **choices**.
_YouMadeMeDoItReddit: Well aren't you hilarious. Congratulations on living a sheltered life.
SlimJim84: > Well aren't you hilarious.
No, not really. Occasionally witty, but not hilarious.
_YouMadeMeDoItReddit: Doesn't understand sarcasm, check. Has no grasp of humanity / limited social experience, check. Chances of autism pretty high, but you don't believe in mental illness so you are just a stupid cunt.
SlimJim84: Oh I understand sarcasm, hence the sarcastic reply. I didn't know some people (you) required the /s tag to indicate as such.
And I have a great grasp of humanity, thanks. I have no patience nor care for people who choose to drink and then become dependent on it. Same goes for drugs. If you can't control your intake, you shouldn't expect help, whatever your social position.
As for the insult, really? "Stupid cunt" is the best you could come up with? Buddy, c'mon. At lease use some creativity!
_YouMadeMeDoItReddit: Obviously you don't have a great grasp on humanity. I personally have no sympathy for abusers who know they abuse substances but choose not to get help but there are a lot of people out there with very real reasons for becoming dependent and who choose to get help because they know it's wrong. Saying that alcoholism is not a mental illness is like saying a broken leg is not an injury, becoming physically dependent on something literally alters the chemistry of your brain so that it becomes almost impossible to stop drinking because it is painful if you do, people can actually die if they have the substance removed at once, guess they're just having lols though, amirite?
Do you honestly think these people who are seeking help want your sympathy? Sure some of them do but there are also people in the world who want your sympathy for a cold, that doesn't mean that each and every person suffering from it wants your help because lets face it, what use would YOU be? None.
Why do I need to be creative when being succinct works? Not everything needs to be dramatised.
| 21 | 142.333333 | |
1412048521 | 1412134254 | t3_2huvx0 | t5_2to41 | 13 | oblivion5683: TIFU by following my crush home
so im still in high school and i really like this girl. and we do a bunch of school stuff together and have been getting really close, so today when we left at the same time i thought "hey, i should take the same bus as her even though it quite obviously goes away from my house and she knows that" so i did that. then when i got there we were all alone and she was like "oh hi Oblivion5683 dont you go the other direction?" and it was at that moment that i realized i didnt have a pre thought up excuse. my brain went into overdrive and came up with something. "uh. um, im meeting a friend his names john" and she says "oh? nice! which bus are you taking?" there were two buses i could have took. and i didnt know which one she was taking. i ended up guessing right thankfully. then comes the really fuck up "so where does your friend live?" she says. BLANK. BLANK. NO. SHIT, THINK OF SOMETHING. "yknow. that way" (does arm wavy movement) she just smiles and then we get on the bus. honestly i think theres about 0 chance she didnt catch on.
molndane: Today you stalked your crush impulsively.
oblivion5683: its not stalking if she knew about it right? :) right?
molndane: I'm not sure, Your intentions were good, and kind of creepy
oblivion5683: i will not lie about it being a bit creepy. it is important to note here that we are already good friends and if i had just asked her to hang out she would almost certainly have been okay with it. come to think of it i probably should have just done that.
molndane: You need to do this again, but ask her to hang. Go for it!
oblivion5683: this i will do, tommorow.
DatGuy15: Update?
oblivion5683: have an update for you. did not do what i said i would, tried the same thing again. literally no reason. honestly i am creepy. im not even going to pretend it wasnt creepy this time. i could tell she was creeped out. im going to apologize later, maybe youll get another update.
| 9 | 1.444444 | |
1409649268 | 1409653970 | t3_2f8tij | t5_2to41 | 13 | Sexgodcallme: Tifu by stealing a cat and losing a few friends in the process
May be long warning for people with short attention spans like me. Well anyways here is some backstory. I'm a male who moved from my home in Michigan to Florida on an adventure to start my life, was 19 btw. I moved in with my aunt to have a place to stay and find a job. I found one working at walmart as an unloader, great workout but shit pay. Anyways my aunt kicked me out of the house because she was sick of havin me there and not wanton to leave Florida I found a place on Craigslist for cheap. I moved in met a girl who was also renting a room there who was 6 years older than me and sexy as fuck. We began to be friends, I liked to show her reddit pics because I was a longtime lurker. I then asked her out and we began dating. Lost my virginity to her and I lived with her so it was nice seeing her everyday. Eventually my truck keeps breaking down and I have to either pay rent or fix my truck to make money to even survive. Luckily 2 lesbians that I worked with were cool with me moving in with them. And I barley knew them. I got drunk as fuck at one of their 21st birthday parties and passed out with puke all over me. They dragged me back inside cut my shirt off and cleaned me up. Sorry for the jumbled story as there is a lot. I started playing with their kitten more as I browsed r/aww and thought it was awesome to have a cat to play with and see do cute things. One day they both left for vacation and I noticed they provided no food for her. There was only dog food. I thought that was strange bu figured it wasn't my problem. 2 days have gone by and they still aren't back so now I'm getting concerned for this kitten and bu her some food since she couldn't eat dog food it made her sick. It wasn't my cat but I felt bad for her. Later on me and a friend who I knew from Xbox live from Michigan, who lives in Florida wanted to chill and I talked to him about the cat situation. He said he wanted it and fuck those two girls because they were starving their cat and I was moving out soon anyway so I thought fuck it why not? They return and I sneak all my stuff into my truck before they return from shopping or something and I drive to my friends house. We were going to drive to visit some friends 2 hours away. With cat in my truck a little afraid because I just took her from her home we set off and smoked a few blunts. We get to the place and chill for a couple days, with the girls texting me to give them their ducking cat back bu as I stated previously they abused it by starving it. It's like they thought it was cute that it begged for food and keeping it small to be cuter. Btw these lesbians were like pornstar quality lesbians. Hot as fuck. But anyways as me and my friend are leaving I put the cat in the back of my truck with a litter box and watch her to she what she does. My friend gets pissed at me for fear of her running away but I was watching her like a hawk. He then distracts me in his attempt to make me keep my eye on her and she bolts into the woods. My friend gets pissed at me and says a lot of hurtful things someone who was a friend for a year wouldn't so i get pissed but I give him a chance to apologize. He throws it back in my face so I ditch his ass. Had his stuff in my truck to but I dropped it back at his place. I could have stolen his iPad, laptop, Xbox but I didn't because even though I was pissed I decided against it. So now the cat is lost for good, I hate my friend, and 2 lesbians are out for my blood. Good bye Florida.
jalija: What?
Sexgodcallme: Any questions? I had a lot to say but fail at getting my thoughts down on paper. Fucking ADHD
jalija: Never mind, I just think a cat and an angry lesbian couple are the least of your problems..
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1412048536 | 1412085794 | t3_2huvxy | t5_2to41 | 33 | khfrank97: TIFU by being too open about my late-night activities
So this actually happened like two years ago, but at my school, I'm the guy who openly talks about his masturbation and the porn he watches, etc.
So in like October of 2012, someone at my school decided to start a confessions page where kids could anonymously submit confessions about themselves or how they felt or what they liked to do. One kid talked about having a crush on a teacher and then going to the bathroom to get off to her. Well the moderator of the page posted "dude, just go to pornhub" and thus, the shit storm ensued.
People saw this and because I was the guy who talked about his porn and made all the dirty jokes, they just assumed that I was the moderator of the page. So when the page started to get controversial (hot or not lists, kids talking about their depressions) school admin found out about it and started asking around. Well my name came up and i was immediately put on the admin's "watch list."
Well toward the end of the school year, when NHS started giving out its acceptances, one kid who didn't get accepted got so pissed off and so butt hurt that he started threatening (on the confessions page) to shoot up the school. He got really graphic. Anyway, someone told the admin and shit got bad.
The admin was all over my case. Like the campus officer was questioning me, the principal didn't trust me he even called my mom personally one day, everyone thought i was this kid who knew who this guy was and wasn't telling. I didn't know.
while all of this was happening, the police brought in dogs to sniff for guns, and for the rest of the school year (2 months) we had to get wander down and have out backpacks searched every morning before school.
Eventually the kid was found and I got off the hook but it still sucked a lot.
tl;dr: Inadvertently caused a huge security threat by being open about my porn watching habits.
KoD123455: There are **gun** sniffing dogs? Is there anything those bros can't do?
I mean except be reasonably quiet..
lord_sherlock_holmes: dogs sniff for gunpowder, not guns.
Kraligor: That's what they want you to believe.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1409654008 | 1409664555 | t3_2f8xnu | t5_2to41 | 16 | andurilmat: TIFU by looking at a crazy Guy
Yesterday morning i got off the bus in to the city centre on my way to work. after i crossed the road i walk past a small tesco where this guy (about 45 yo and looking like he is high on more than life) is pacing backwards and forwards outside. Muttering in the creepiest voice i have ever heard "mickey Mouse is Dead" over and over again. so i look away acting like i havent noticed him and carry on towards another bus top to go to work.
i cross another road and finally get to the bus top and i'm the only person there. then i hear someone shouting at the top of their lungs "WHERE ARE YOU FROM" over and over again and surprise surprise crazy guy walks around the corner shouting his head off. he walks along the other side of the street still shouting "WHERE ARE YOU FROM" at this point i thought he might be a pissed footy fan and trying to start a sing-a-long of Vindaloo so i start to smile because i think he's hilarious. then he starts shouting "I'M FROM WOLVERHAMPTON - I GOT A BEER 87 PENCE!!!".
so i start to giggle then he looks straight at me and and stops shouting. then he starts to walk towards me and begins shouting WHERE ARE YOU FROM. he starts getting quicker and quicker and he walks in to the road still shouting at the top of his lungs. by this point i am praying a bus will turn up to get me out of there - i see one at the other end of the road but it wont reach me in time. he gets on to my side of the road about 10 feet away from me still shouting WHERE ARE YOU FROM.
finally he is right in front of me and i am thinking the nutter could knife me or something when a police van pulls up next to me and one of the coppers shouts "can you come here a minute". he just shuts up and drops his head and trys to walk off, then the van doors open and 4 coppers they surround him and asking what he thinks he's doing shouting his head off then my bus turned and i got the hell out of there. got to work and told my boss and he just burst out laughing
TLDR looked at a crazy Guy and he came after me
Chukwuuzi: I giggled uncontrollably at "IM FROM WOLVERHAMPTON - GOT A BEER FOR 87 PENCE"
BlueBerry-Nectar: Priceless :D
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411757646 | 1411803267 | t3_2hjvl3 | t5_2to41 | 379 | TinkleLittleStar: TIFU by peeing in a cup
I go to college is a small college town. They have the most wonderful service ever invented. Drive through convenience stores. Drive up and get your cigarettes and 32 oz sodas. Being as it was so easy, I ended up going there quite a bit and having quite a few of these cups laying around my apartment.
I am in my third year of college and drink quite a bit of Alcohol (being college and everything) and have developed a bad habit of being too drunk and/or lazy to get up in the middle of the night to take a piss. So I would grab one of the many 32 oz Styrofoam cups laying around my room and pee in it. I would usually dispose of them first thing, because I am lazy, not an animal.
Last week my girlfriend came over and my roommate let her in. She brought her own 32 oz cup and set it down in my room. She woke me up and started talking to me about her day and whatever. She reaches over and grabs the cup and takes a big drink. Nope, not soda. She had just taken a big ol' drink of room temperature, day old piss. The look of shock that hit her face so suddenly clued me into what had just happened. Nothing like expecting Diet Pepsi and getting a warm mouthful of my Morning Dew. She asked what she just drank and I what else could I say except "Pee".
I can still hear her screaming and running to the bathroom while my roommate was laughing his ass off. Surprisingly she and I are still together.
TL;DR, My girlfriend drank my pee.
amandadear: My SO is in the army and he says that yellow Gatorade is banned because guys were pissing in empty bottles on long rides in the humvees and other guys would mistakenly drink the piss.
TinkleLittleStar: My SO is not in the Army, but I am pretty sure now she suffers from PeeTSD.
xgns: /r/DadJokes requests your presence immediately.
TinkleLittleStar: Thanks, I am here all week. Tip your waitress.
Buhbell: That's sexist man, guys can be waitresses too.
| 6 | 63.166667 | |
1412050377 | 1412119556 | t3_2huyvp | t5_2to41 | 1,307 | lambokid: TIFU when I ordered pizza.
This is short fudge up.
For lunch at work we only get a 30 minute break. I forgot my lunch today so 30 minutes before lunch starts, I order a pizza online. This way it would get to my job when lunch started. Well lunch time comes around and the pizza is still not here. Right about this time I get a call from my dad, which is weird because he never calls me at work. He was calling me to thank me for the pizza. When I ordered on my account, I forgot to select my work address. My coworker asked why I wasn't eating and when I told him what happened, he couldn't breathe from so much laughter. But he did share his cookies and gummy worms with me. So at least I didn't starve.
Majik9: Cookies and gummy worms??
Do you work as a student at an elementary school??
lambokid: I'm working at a refinery. He's just a really weird guy.
Engvar: I'm not sure I would have eaten those...
Shakejunt727: Never turn down LSD doses gummy worms and weed cookies, dude
neeee1: A friend with weed...
Balispy: Is a friend indeed!
| 7 | 186.714286 | |
1409656912 | 1409657102 | t3_2f90bs | t5_2to41 | 4 | jon_the_glory: TIFU by treating my only son poorly
jon_the_glory: sorry i think i rambled
cheeper123: I was going in my batman mode to solve this story 0_o
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412052522 | 1412077263 | t3_2hv1w6 | t5_2to41 | 86 | ThisIsMeInANutshell: TIFU by showing my boss' wife my phone while I pulled up pictures of my paintings. The most recent picture popped up first. It was not one of my paintings.
Backstory: my friend "Kelsey" works for an electronic vape pen company and sold me my pen. My heating coil broke, so I texted her to buy a new one. She said, "$30. $20 if you send me nudes. $10 if you also write my name in red lipstick on your chest." Btw, she's a lesbian in a relationship and it was very much a joke. But, I play along. At dinner that night, I borrow a friend's lipstick, go into the bathroom, write "Kelsey" in big red letters on my chest, snap some nudies, and send them.
The next day is Rosh Hashanah (Jewish new year). I go to my boss' family brunch. His wife gives me the tour of the house. It's designed by I.M. Pei, filled with extremely expensive looking artifacts and artwork. Basically as classy as you can imagine. Like, seriously, designed by the one architect anyone not in r/architecture has ever heard of. I mention that I paint as a hobby. She asks to see my work. I pull out my phone. She leans over to see. I open Photos. Butt naked selfie with "Kelsey" written in red lipstick on my chest.
Kelsey gave me the heating coil for free.
TL;DR - they were nudes.
cheeseflap: $30 for a coil? What kind of coil costs that much?
Marmalain: one made by jews
PMmeurboobies: So it's kosher?
| 4 | 21.5 | |
1409658743 | 1409681015 | t3_2f927d | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU by revealing to my girlfriend I knew about the Jennifer Lawrence nudes.
Well, basically, last night I was browsing Reddit while my girlfriend slept next to me, it's about 11 at night, and who do I stumble across, Jennifer Lawrence, beef curtains on show and baboon blazing.
Sweet, I thought, no censor this time, keeping this for incase, you know, science, and tbh, the fact that nobody else seems to have uncensored pictures of her.
Two hours later, still awake, see my girlfriend, wake her up for sexy time, woo.
The next morning, brother comes round, says, "HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT JENNIFER LAWRENCE LEAK?"
Nothing logical went through my mind as the words, "Yeah, saved 'em." came out of my mouth. I turn to see my girlfriend angry at me, and walking back to her bedroom. I try to make her breakfast and in true her fashion, she never lets me make anything by myself incase I burn the shit out of it. So at this point as I write this she made her own breakfast I was supposed to make her, she thinks I only wanted sexy time due to Jennifer Lawrence's silky spadge, and she'll probably see this and I'll have fucked up more.
Wish me luck, reddit.
UPDATE: Well, yeah, thanks for all the comments, things have calmed down. I agree she doesnt think much of herself and thinking I only woke her for sex due to seeing J-Law's nothing special body to be honest didn't really make her feel that good. I said sorry and we're watching Lucy later. ( Do not not bring up the fact theres some of Scarlett, TCPC1.)
hxcjonez: My girlfriend asked to see them? Am I one of the specially girl friendly gifted ones?
LucentPhoenix: Nope, my wife did the same. She's like "Well, I know **you've** probably already downloaded them, so can I see 'em?"
She knows that I look at porn and nude pics and such, and while it bothers her a little, she doesn't give me shit about it, and just doesn't want me to rub her nose in in. :P
hxcjonez: My girlfriend doesn't care as long as I don't rub one out while she's asleep next to me!
HopelessSemantic: I don't care if my husband does, but he's awkward about doing it if I'm in the bed. I've actually had to get up and move to the computer or something so he could masturbate when we were too tired/sick to have sex.
hxcjonez: I just go down stairs xD.
HopelessSemantic: Heh, our place is small, and he can't exactly go out and do it in the living room because we have a five year old in the house.
| 7 | 8.428571 | |
1409660782 | 1410009445 | t3_2f94jm | t5_2to41 | 234 | [deleted]: TIFU by hooking up with my boss while wasted at work. NSFW
Okay, so my supervisor (lets call him Bob) and I finish a normal Sunday shift in the bar where we work. We lock up, sit down and have a few beers in the closed down bar, which we do quite often when we work the close together. He offers me a couple of lines, which I accept as I've got the next two days off. We're having a good time, listening to music, drinking and getting messed up, then we suddenly start kissing and groping and stuff.
I kind of try and stop what's happening, as he's in a relationship (and I started my period that morning so it's not like we can really go much further) but he starts telling me that he loves me- he's in love with me- we should ditch everything and go travelling together blah blah... It sucks, because we're really good friends and what he's saying is making me feel super shitty and uncomfortable. Then, despite being warned, he starts trying to go down on my freshly menstrual lady bits. We experience a failed attempt at sex. Extreme awkwardness ensues.
I'm a still long way from sober, and I start freaking out a little. I remember that we're still at work, it's about five and a half hours after closing time and the owner lives upstairs, so I decide to leave. I tell Bob that he's just talking shit 'cause he's high, and convince him to either crash on my sofa or let me walk him to the bus stop. He tells me to wait and he's got some things to do upstairs. A whole hour later, he's still not back so I figure I'd better just slink out the back and go home.
The next day he texts me and says he passed out upstairs and he's in loads of shit because the owner found him there in the morning. We haven't spoken about what happened and I'm dreading my shift tomorrow because I'm covered in these savage bruises and hickeys from our wasted make-out session and gossip spreads like wildfire in the bar so EVERYONE, staff and regulars, will know the whole story by now. Probably even the menstrual element.
TL;DR: Takes drugs with amorous co-worker who disregards warnings and ends up with a mouthful of menses. Might have to quit job.
[deleted]: um...just how bloody was your vag? I mean blood comes out of the hole, going down on a girl consists of stimulating the clit, not tongue fucking the hole. I don't know, maybe the japanese ex just had a really light period, but she was hardly ever bloody at all when she was on her period. Hardly anything red was even noticible even got on the towel when we'd fuck, and she was a squirter.
Also, what are you doing next week?
My_usrname_of_choice: You're going down wrong.
[deleted]: Based on your username there I'd be willing to bet you have a fantastic Fedora collection and you haven't gone down on very many women period. I'll let you in on a protip buddy, we're talking about oral sex here, not fingering bellybuttons.
If you're actually tongue fucking the vaginal canal, you're going down wrong.
My_usrname_of_choice: All incorrect assumptions. **you** say it's wrong. Who made you the oral sex God? If a woman likes a tongue inside her, who are you to say it's not the right way to do it?
Moron. Think about what you're saying and how stupid it sounds.
[deleted]: Dude, bust out the lint brush. You can't rock those fedora with all those dandruff flakes. Go comb your my little pony dolls too while you're at it.
A few licks up and down is one thing, but you don't actually tongue fuck the hole your cock goes in. I thought people learn that when they're still finger blasting girls in high school. It's okay to be a late bloomer dude, just don't be so defensive about it.
my_usrname_of_choice-TIFU by realizing you don't try to shove your tongue inside of the vaginal canal during oral sex in front of the whole internet.
My_usrname_of_choice: You realise you still sound like an actual idiot, right? Like you're the god of cunnilingus? What makes you think you know everything about every woman ever?
Go ahead, enlighten the whole internet, let me know why with definitive reasoning why I shouldn't?
[deleted]: You realize you sound like a very angry 14 year old, right?
My_usrname_of_choice: I'm just going to let the voting system do the talking at this point. Have fun thinking you know more about female genitalia than females.
[deleted]: Um...considering the fact that I've got a clit...Please, tell me about your vulva?
My_usrname_of_choice: Hahaha even better. Are you a lesbian virgin? Because you know nothing. Nothing.
You know nothing. About. Vaginas.
Let that sink in.
[deleted]: I think you're projecting.
| 12 | 19.5 | |
1409658426 | 1409667382 | t3_2f91w6 | t5_2to41 | 117 | DeathAndRebirth: TIFU by cumming on my sweatshirt and then my friend wore it in public
Well this story is from a little while ago but im new to reddit so i thought there's no better time to post it than now, but first a little back story...
I was going to college and recently my roommate had just dropped out, leaving me with a free spot in my room. So mentioning this to some of my good friends (that are both dating) at college, I thought i was a good idea to let them live with me in my room and in return i could basically get smoked up for free. After some time passed, tensions became strained after i feel he robbed from me and some other bullshit, so were both kinda mad at each other.
Story starts here: So after a night of partying I came back to my dorm pretty fucked up with a girl i was hooking up with all night. Both of my friends are sleeping so we try to be as quiet as possible getting into my bed. So we start having sex but all the racket woke up my friends who then i guess out of awkwardness and maybe out of spite for me waking them up, start fucking too. I really couldn't care less and our room basically became one big unexpected orgy. Basically a while has gone by and my friends were finished, but i was so fucked up i couldn't cum. So i made her give me a hand job to finish me off and i ended up cumming all over my sweater lol
So morning comes around and i have to go to class. I swap out my jizz stained sweatshirt for a clean one and head off to class. Me and my friends are pretty loose and often enough i find them wearing my clothes and vice versa. So i come back to class and see my two friends smoking cigs outside my dorm and i couldn't believe that my friend, whos a girl, is wearing my jizz stained sweatshirt from the night before. Like there is a huge cum stain up the whole front of the sweatshirt. I smoke a cig with them trying to hold in my laughter, after some small talk about what happened last night they tell me that they're both to class. I could only imagine what people were thinking seeing a couple walking around campus and the girl is wearing a sweater with a huge cum stain on it. IDK how she didnt notice it... btw she wore it for 2 days in a row...
So me fucking up and cumming on my own sweatshirt actually gave someone else a TIFU story without them even knowing it, while simultaneously getting back at them without actually doing anything spiteful.
TL;DR: I came on my own sweatshirt and my friend wore it for 2 days without realizing there was a huge cum stain on it
looked kinda like this but just white smeared cum on a black sweatshirt
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_CboMffgYcmo/SJFiP9DAdMI/AAAAAAAAAks/ZSRsvkPExAE/s320/shirt.jpg
KapeRaudSquillas: she wore it for 2 days in a row?! good lord man, i understand you not telling her straight away but letting her wear it for 2 days is a bit harsh dont you think? i mean you didnt wanna wear that shit once nevermind for 2 days!
funny story though.
DeathAndRebirth: Yea i felt the same way but what would i even say to her?? "hey uhmmm.... your wearing a sweatshirt with my cum all over it.." I feel that would've been pretty awkward, more than it was already. Better her find out on her own than me tell her, as bad as that sounds.
KapeRaudSquillas: you couldve just waited until you guys were alone and just asked for the sweater back, i dont think you *had* to tell her you blew your man juice all over it. thinking about it though, if it looked like you described how she didnt notice is a mystery. maybe she knew and did it on purpose...
DeathAndRebirth: Yea good point, i guess i just didn't think of that at the time. If she did do it on purpose idk what she was trying to prove haha
| 5 | 23.4 | |
1409661638 | 1409662168 | t3_2f95je | t5_2to41 | 47 | cynic_male: TIFU while at a doctors/clinic
TIFU badly!
Back story,
I'm on a clinical trial for a medical treatment which involves the taking of blood every month, receiving a couple of injections every month and having a through medical including an ECG every 3 months. Today was my 3mth medical which includes fasting. I've been on the trial for a little over 2yrs.
Today,
I turned up for my appointment which was scheduled at almost lunchtime which meant that I was already a little bit light headed (been fasting since 7pm the night before) and started to go through the process of being checked out.
Today the nurse and trial doctor (both females) were in a particular joking mood which made stripping down to my jocks a little less uncomfortable.
After going through all the necessary medical checks (don't forget this is a medical trial) it was time for me to get up on the table for the ECG.
Once all the sticky sensor pads are put on my legs/wrists/and chest the nurse drops all the cords on my stomach to start sorting out what went where, and the leads seemed to all be dragged over my crotch. When everything was attached, the nurse then plugged it all into the main monitor/box and dropped it all onto Mr Wobbly.
Then she stood there using my leg like a bar leaner and chatted to the doctor. Meanwhile I have to lie there perfectly still for a positive reading still feeling lightheaded.
Then something funny was said the nurse laughed and I will swear to the day I die ... her hand brushed my inner thigh.
CUE MR WOBBLY to pop up and have a look around ... BASTARD!!
The ECG slid off my crotch and the nurse managed to catch it before it hit the floor.
It completed its scan and while they uploaded my results I got my jabs and was allowed to get dressed in silence. Everything was fine and we made a date and time for my next appointment.
As I left and walked out I closed the door but through the walls I heard the doctor say to the nurse "at least we can rule out impotence as a side affect".
And with the laughter still ringing in my ears I slunk out.
TL; DR
Went to see a female doctor and nurse.
Cracked a fat one in front of them.
Despite what you see on reddit/pornvids we did not get it on 😭
soxordie: They're medical professionals. They see stuff like that all the time. In two days they won't remember it happened.
cynic_male: Thanks
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1409660118 | 1410260067 | t3_2f93qf | t5_2to41 | 23 | Car-troubles: TIFU by coasting out of my driveway, in reverse, without having the engine started
Well, this "TIFU" DID happen just today - not-so-bright, but early at 4 am. I attempted to sneak out.
I'm seated in the SUV in the closed garage. With a push of a button the garage door freaking ROARS open.
So I turned the key, but not all the way, and put my parents' damned SUV into reverse (this is bad.) I opened the driver's door, reached out my left leg and I was shoving off and down onto the street.
As I was halfway down my short driveway, the steering wheel and the brakes tighten up, (I'm panicking) which causes me to jam down on the brakes and turn the wheel EVEN HARDER. Wtf is wrong with the car? I'm thinking.
I nearly shave off a layer of paint of my brothers car because it's so hard to turn and brake the car. I plop onto the street and roll into the middle. I'm ass out and blocking 85% of the street. At this point I hear something in the engine block softly whirring and winding down - never heard that before. I may have even tried to START THE CAR WHILE IN REVERSE at this point (don't do this); the loudest TAKA-TAKA-TAKA-TAKA sound flicks through the night. The engine's shot. I put the car in park and turn the ignition. TAKA-TAKA-TAKA-TAKA. So I turn on the hazards, get my dad and push the car into a suitable position next to the curb.
TLDR; Great, the car's broken as of now because I'm dumb.
soxordie: ALWAYS push a car in neutral.
Car-troubles: Thanks. I'll do that in the future, dad. Thank you for opting to use many derivations of curse words instead of smacking some sense into me.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1409708411 | 1409796259 | t3_2fbeph | t5_2to41 | 63 | becks-hatten: TIFU by trying to hit on the hot Jimmy John's delivery guy
So, I have this undying crush on this Jimmy John's delivery guy. Today, I thought it was the day that I actually talk to him. Yeah.. I've never actually talked to him because every time I see him, he has a glorious bag of delicious sandwich's in his hands and I'm just starstruck that a man could be that beautiful.
Most encounters turn pretty awkward. He says hi to me and I freak out and blush. Typical girl stuff. Well, today was different. I was walking to the shop and I saw him washing the windows. Suddenly, I get hot and stsrt sweating. Fuck.
So, I walk past him and go ro a different place to eat. I know, im a pussy. It gets worse. I was with one of my co- workers who is aware of my crush on the delivery man and he was nagging on me during thr entire lunch hour.
After we eat, I started walking back to the jimmy John's shop and scan the place to see if he was there. He was nowhere in sight. I go in and I ask his co-workers about him and they were so confused as to why I was asking. I finally creeped myself out and ran out of the shop. I'm heading back to the escalators and im walking down them and guess who I see?
Jimmy johns guy.
Well, jimmy johns guy saw me trip down the escalator like a sack o potatoes.
TIFU by trying to talk to this random guy and I ended up tripping.
Gracie_Lou_Freebush: Nothing wrong with wanting the Jimmy John guy's footlong!
becks-hatten: He probs has a gargantuan in his pants. A ton o meat.
TomFoolCape: With extra mayonnaise. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
dirty_author: Jimmy Johns always has too much mayonnaise. That isn't a joke, just a fact.
becks-hatten: They have excess mayo. Gotta put it somewhere.
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1409663904 | 1409748939 | t3_2f98gh | t5_2to41 | -6 | ShambolicAlcoholic: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend's father (NSFW)
[deleted]: You fucking homos are so mentally ill, it's not even funny.
rafaelslam: You fucking homophobic are so totally ill... Its not even funny.
[deleted]: Wrong word. The term "homophobic" is a made up word to disparage people who know gays are mentally ill. "Phobia" is a fear of something. People aren't "afraid" of gays, they are repulsed by their mentally ill behavior. The word you are looking for is "homonauseous".
rafaelslam: Well, if you study behavior by the eyes of psychology you'll see that most of the time people who fell very angry about something, or attacked usually hide a great fear inside... In the term homofobic bring us to mind that this guys who fell so angry about something that can't even hurt then, are Just afraid of their own fellings and that fear becames angry... So homophobic...
[deleted]: Once again........wrong word.
| 6 | -1 | |
1412042656 | 1412070623 | t3_2hult7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | zub74: TIFU by cooking Ramen without any water...
Oh, dear reddit... Today I got home from school, went to my dad's house and played a bit of Destiny until about 7:30, then came home to my mom's house. Normal day in the Zub74 family. Anyway, my stomach being the finnicky thing it is decided it wanted food at 8:30, so I got up to make Ramen Noodles, no big deal, right (Assuming you didn't read the title)? Nope, I'm a genius and forgot to add water. You know, part 2 out of 2? Big step, highly recommend reading directions every time you make microwave food. Now one might think I would detect the smell before things got too far along, correct? Nope! My sister, being the procrastinator she is (following in Big Bubba's footsteps, so happy), started working on her penny lab that was probably due today. For those unfamiliar, you simply put about 5 pennies in different solutions and see what happens. Two of said substances were vinegar and Pine Sol, so my nose was already a bit screwed up from that. After about 2 1/2 minutes of waiting, my sister came in and noticed the smell. She asked if I put water in, I said no, I was insulted profusely, and now here I am with a terribly bad smelling house, typing my small wall of text. Pictures inbound once I upload them. :(
hAMBERglarr: Been there. Done that. Twice.
The smell never leaves you!
RazahIsBack: You're a madman. Once was enough for a permanent life lesson for me. Like you said, that smell feels like it never leaves.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409658284 | 1409664921 | t3_2f91qt | t5_2to41 | 40 | LeChuck999: TIFU by describing a banana
When I was 17, I transferred to a new high school (Or secondry school, as we call them here in Ireland).
It was a pretty well to do place, but I didn't know anyone there. I've always been socially akward, but this time, I was determined to make friends right off the bat!
So I did my best to fit in. There was a group of people who I seeemed to have a bit in common with. (They were kind of a nerdy crowd, so it seemed appropriate for me to befriend them).
Now, alot of these folk were from Nigeria, Libia, India, etc. Just a fact you need to remember for the rest of this story to make sense.
Anyone, one day I was hanging out with these folk after school. We passed an apartment block when one of their Nigerian friends (who lived at the top floor) threw a banana at us from his balcony. It landed at my feet. It was dark, rotten banana (another detail you should remember).We had a laugh and I shrugged it off.
So anyway.
The next day, we were in school a lunch time, all together in a big group. The subject of the banana was brought up, and I knew it was my chance to get a bit of spotlight (since the banana had fallen in front of me).
So I cracked some jokes about the situation. How I though it was a sign from god to get more potassium in my diet, etc. Kinda corny, but everyone laughed and I was finally starting to fit in!
Then I described the banana to them.....but I didn't actually *say* I was describing the bruised, rotten banana.
Basically, what I did was, once everyone stopped laughing, was smiled and I loudly declared.
"**Big Black Fucker!**"
Of course....they didn't think I was describing the banana. They thought I was describing the Nigerian fellow who threw the banana.
The room went silent, and being the clueless dult that I am, I didn't even realise what I had just said. In fact, more time passed then I care to admit before I caught on.
At this point, everyone was akwardly looking away. Some of them stood up and walked away. Others turned and started making silent conversation with the person next to them.
Then it hit me.
I started to plead my case. Tell them I was describing the banana. But they didn't seem to believe me. One of them akwardly laughed before everyone started to pick up their bags and make their way to class.
Needless to say, I did not remain friends with them, and spent the rest of the year hanging out with an overweight neckbeard guy who constantly talked about Marxism.
Fortunately since then, I have acquired social skills. I'm even still friends with the neckbeard guy. But oh man, that was one of the most awkward, larry david moments I ever had in my life!
TL;DR: New school. Tried to make friends with some ethnic folk. Accindently called one of them a "Big Black Fucker". Spent the rest of year hanging out with Karl Marx enthusiast.
throwaway420ish: Don't try and force friendships, they come naturally with people like minded, same interests etc :D
LeChuck999: I understand that now. And honestly, I've always had a handful of close friends.
But this was one of the first circumstances I was put somehwere I knew virtually no one, so I was not really used to making friends from scratch.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1411631952 | 1411642572 | t3_2hev5g | t5_2to41 | 6 | breast_molester: TIFU by touching my girlfriend's breast instead of her shoulder
I should point out first that my girlfriend has anxiety issues and also has trouble getting out of bed in the morning. She was late to wake up today and had been moaning slightly and gnashing her teeth in her dreams - not sure what she was dreaming about. I had been gently trying to shake her awake and said "good morning" to her twice, but she just fell back to sleep. I brought her a cup of tea through and tried again. No dice. After my shower I went back and she was lying facing away from me at 45 degrees (half on her back and half on her side). I reached out to touch her shoulder and gently shake her again but it was soft and squidgy. The shaking motion just made it seem like I was feeling her up, I guess. She woke right up, then and yelled "StopfuckingtouchingmeWHATTHEFUCKISWRONGWITHYOU?!!". I just left for work. As I closed the door she was wide-eyed and looking at the far wall. This means three days of nervousness and a very awkward conversation next time I see her.
Benerino: I'm calling B.S. On this story
breast_molester: I'm interested to know why. Because of her reaction?
SilentOneBravo: great throwaway though
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412031587 | 1412064558 | t3_2hu2gi | t5_2to41 | 11 | Adamster: TIFU by ruining my Summer holiday by getting a migraine.
So allow me to give you some context. My brother, my dad and I wanted to have a boy's vacation and so we decided to go visit one of the wonders of the world - Machuu Pichuu. Think Indiana Jones Kingdom of the crystal skull Mayan sort of ruins on mountains if you're not familiar with it.
Anyway, we decided it would be far too easy to just simply visit the place and decided to walk the Inca trail first which was well... Do-able I guess but we were going to do a relatively simple trip which consisted of perhaps 10km to walk everyday for 3 days. Instead my dad goes and ends up being a bellend and books us to walk 30km everyday for 4 days with a 4am wake up everyday. Yay... right? No. My dad is 67.
Anyway we make it to the 4th day and all of us are practically dead on our feet. Another 4am start to go to Machuu Pichuu which we had planned all along and once we arrive my alarm beĺls start going off and indicators start showing I could be going blind which is then followed by a migraine. So mid way through the tour I'm trying to plow on whilst battling the migraine and that's where I pretty much forget everything as according to my brother... I pass out. I'll let him take over since I was out cold.
Hey guys Singean here. I am this guys bro. It was pretty hilarious he pretty much toppled over and faceplanted the ground. At first we panicked but we got him to the doctor and he said he'd be fine. So Adam is completely gone and lying on the doctors bed and I notice his arm swelling. Turns out he is malnourished and sleep deprived - no surprise there. But what was funny was that the drip they fed to him contained a chemical which he was allergic to giving him a localized reaction so his hand and arm ended up swelling like a baseball.
Then I woke up and found my arm completely huge. I was completely and utterly confused as to where I was and it was time to catch the plane home. Turns out I'd been out cold for 10 hours and they'd transported me to the airport. In the end we got no photos of Macchu Picchu and I'd gained a single Hulk sized arm.
Edit: Also migraine could have been to do with me receiving my AS level exam results which I failed catastrophically in and I was a bit stressed.
Dimsml: Can't it be from being in the mountains? Pressure drop, less oxygen etc.? You should see a neurologist anyway.
Adamster: High altitude can cause it. Yes you are correct, it was probably a contributing factor.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409664786 | 1409667396 | t3_2f99py | t5_2to41 | 4 | Gurgumul: TIFU by driving into my garage's doorframe.
DrSteveChipperson: so what? how are we suppose to discuss this?
Gurgumul: Say something like "It happens to everyone" and I'll say that I feel better about myself.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412060973 | 1412070943 | t3_2hvbj7 | t5_2to41 | 10 | BatmanOfficial: TIFU by not braking on my pushbike
Its not exactly today but rather 2 days ago, a rather embarrassing and painful story.
I love riding my pushbike so i was riding down a hill which is right next to my home, and as i was coming down the hill i thought..fuck yolo this shit, no brakerino needed.. (the hill is massive but really narrow).. a couple of moments later i realized i kinda fucked up as i was going too fast to turn and i said hello to a really sturdy fence..thats not the problem..
Problem was me sliding out of my seat as the front wheel smashed into the fence and sliding down with my legs open onto the metal bar that holds the handles of the bike...i am a guy.
As i hobble in pain into my house...parents immediately want to know what happen.. as they found out it was my penis.. "OFF GOES THE PANTS YOUNG MAN, I WANNA LOOK" I am spanish so its this Spanish thing mothers have to want to fix everything.. as i slid off my undies, a bloody soaked penis pops out.. but thats not the issue..."YOUNG MAN, WHY DO YOUR SHAVE YOUR BALLSACKS? I scream for peace...get taken to hospital..
Later my dad tells me that if i want to shave my balls i better do it properly.. Most akward conversation i ever had.
Too Long 2 Read- Hurt my dick by not braking, parents find out i shave my balls in a terrible fashion
GregoryGoose: I had to look up pushbikes on the internet and only found kids' toys. Why is a little kid shaving his ball sack?
BatmanOfficial: Pushbike is the bikes that your ride on.. a normal bicycle.. alot of people confuse bike for motorcycle.. so i call it pushbike.
GregoryGoose: Is this common vernacular where you're from? because I said I had to look it up but I was really only confirming what I assumed, that pushbike referred to a bike without pedals. Had you said pedal bike I couldn't have made the mistake, but even so I don't think I know of anyone who refers to motorcycles as bikes, but then again we have famous bike tours where I live so the distinction between the two is innate.
darkstar161: push-bike (plural push-bikes)
(Australia, New Zealand, UK) a pedal bicycle -- distinguished from a motor bicycle.
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/push-bike
I guess hes either from Australia or New Zealand, cus it checks out.
| 5 | 2 | |
1412063521 | 1412102575 | t3_2hvdv2 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by researching male sex toys NSFW
Admittedly this was a couple months ago.
So the savvy shopper I am, I (a girl) was browsing groupon for some deals. Recently I noticed they started selling some ladies and men's sex toys. Knowing that alot of things on these sites are things the company makes little money on bc they aren't big sellers, I wonder "are these sub par toys? Maybe I should look up some of them and see how they stack up."
Because of course.
So I start looking at all the guy ones, you know maybe my husband wants one! (But not one that an unknown man on the Internet doesn't think highly of!) So I'm looking and researching each one on my phone, some of the Google searches find some pretty raunchy things but I find my reviews. Maybe I'll buy him one tomorrow! I'll decide which one then.
Fast forward to tomorrow.
My husband wakes me up very mad and upset. "You- you like gay porn?" "Why were you were watching so much gay porn after I went to bed last night? Do you want me to be with another guy??"
I was really confused. I wasn't watching gay porn! I promise!
Apparently he grabbed my phone in the morning and wanted to Google something BUT upon opening the app it was all filled with tabs of men using the previously said toys on each other, gay porn sites, as well as all my thrifty shopping reviews. I burst out laughing and he was confused even more.
I did explain. He did believe me and eventually see the humor. I did not however make a purchase.
TL,DR; tried to buy my husband a sexy toy, ended up looking like a straight woman with an insane love for gay porn.
brbx43: So did you, um, find any recommendations...?
DeviousEnigma: Truly asking the important questions. OP please link to suggestions.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1412057859 | 1412068249 | t3_2hv8bw | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be cool with my car
molndane: Always remember to turn your wheels in the opposite direction and down shift to come out of a drift.
17sjs: Bad advice.
Depends on if it's front wheel drive or rear. If rear, sure but if fwd you're often better off applying power into the skid direction rather than against.
Also, never change gear while trying to recover a slide. You want the ability to apply power at any given moment or even to let engine braking slow your wheels. Putting the clutch in takes away one form of control. Less control is bad.
molndane: never had a problem doing it that way with rear wheel. I've never tried FWD.
| 4 | 1 | |
1412062869 | 1412113031 | t3_2hvdci | t5_2to41 | 6 | baconisgood1: TIFU by trying to kill a fly
This just happened a few minutes ago. All night a fly has been flying around the room and annoying the shit out of me. I have been trying to kill it all night, but to no success. As i was sitting at my chair redditing the fly decides to land in my cup. I quickly grab a magazine and cover the cup. Thinking i have won the war against the fly, I continue on with browsing reddit. I look over at the cup and the fly is beginning to escape. Not thinking, I slap the cup and tried killing the fly. Unfortunately, The cup still had water in it and the rice i was eating earlier was right next to the cup. Water and rice went everywhere. I freaked out because a bunch of water got on my laptop. Luckily, my laptop seems perfectly fine.My room is wet and filled with grains of rice everywhere. I have been trying to pick up the grains of rice but there is too much spread across the carpet. The fly is still alive and is buzzing around my head mocking me.
lord_sherlock_holmes: wait, so if the magazine was covering the cup, how did yo see him escaping? Is the magazine see through? The cup? A description of the attempted escape could have added drama and some life tot he story.
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: You're looking too deep into this, Sherlock.
KyleAnvilSlinger: No, NOT DEEP ENOUGH
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409667668 | 1409770163 | t3_2f9dzc | t5_2to41 | 4,165 | throwawaymilkman: TIFU by sucking my girlfriends tits
During sexy times the other night I was suckling at my ladies bosom, as I do at every opportunity. Suddenly I got a funny taste in my mouth and when I pulled my head back and looked she was leaking milk! I gave her boob a squeeze and even more came out! She started freaking out and made me stop. Then she went straight to the store and got a pregnancy test (negative thank god). She has never been pregnant before. We are both a little over 30. I looked it up online and apparently you can induce lactation just through frequent stimulation. Who fucking knew! She's still feeling weird about it and isn't sure how she wants to proceed. I know how I do! It was actually really really delicious and I can't stop thinking about it.
Tldr: sucked on my girlfriends tits almost everyday for the last year, now she squirts milk out of them.
McLaren4life: At least you are going to save on your next grocery bill.
Tortillachipsnsalsa: True, titty milk now a days is very expensive
aDDnTN: [VERY EXPENSIVE.](http://www.wired.com/2011/05/ff_milk/all/)
svferris: Can confirm. Spent $40,000 between my two kids to provide them milk because my wife was unable to.
EDIT: Adjusting the amount after thinking about it a bit...(Was several years ago)
Chotzark: In italy you can only give it for free to moms who are not prepared to feed their babies. There is the Bank of Breast Milk, were you can only donate it
Edit: grammar
svferris: My understanding is the place where we got the milk from was not profiting. The price of the milk just covers their costs, such as having to screen people who donate. I don't remember the full break-down of the costs.
Also, I think there were cases where you could get the milk for free when it is considered a necessity, such as for preemies. Since my kids technically could have had formula just fine, we had to pay. My wife was absolutely insistent on not using formula due to the benefits of breast milk.
Lehk: > due to the benefits of breast milk
wildly overstated.
franzbjoern: True. They found pesticides and heavy metalls in breask milk, so it s not exactly a safe bet.
americass: So inside women then ?
franzbjoern: Yes. Only that adults can usually handle it, while a baby doesnt have its detoxification circles all up and working yet and thus is particularly vulnerable.
americass: Oh , didn't know that
| 12 | 347.083333 | |
1411856047 | 1412066509 | t3_2hnf3d | t5_2to41 | 5 | quickfeet14: TIFU by getting a burrito
So its a Saturday on campus and I'm in my dorm doing nothing, and I get the feeling that I'm going to want something to eat soon. There is a Qdoba at the student union and i figured it would be a good idea to take my board over there and satiate my hunger. As I was leaving, I noticed that there were storm clouds brewing overhead, typical Florida weather. Another thing about Florida weather is that it's unpredictable and cannot be predicted with any sort of accuracy. As I'm leaving the store, happy as can be with burrito in hand I notice that the weather is turning bad rather quickly and decide to haul ass back to my room. Now here's where I fucked up, about 20 feet from my building it is as if a large bucket of water was dropped from the sky; I happened to be going around a sharp turn and was not expecting to have to take evasive maneuvers. As you would expect the board slid and I took a tumble. I then staggered into my building up, up the stairs and past a few people with blood dripping down my knee and elbow and into my dorm where I feasted on the best burrito of my life. I cleaned myself up and am now in my bed in a lot of pain.
TL;DR I wanted a burrito, so I got what looks like one on my elbow and knee
qwerty2099: at least the burrito was good right
kittykarnage420: they forgot the cheese..
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409668564 | 1409672278 | t3_2f9fg2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | jewstino: TIFU by pranking myself trying to prank a coworker
soxordie: That's a terrible prank. Ha-ha, you can't do your job!
jewstino: Really?
I had fun all time i was pretending it was power supply fault!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412066254 | 1412075655 | t3_2hvg50 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting my girlfriend
Cyrano_De_BIRDATTACK: Play it off like you were making a Peppermint Party and Marcie joke.
wizbizz: I see what you did there
| 3 | 1 | |
1409669432 | 1409671249 | t3_2f9guu | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting stuck up a mountain and having to be airlifted to hospital
Brace yourselves, Wall of Text is coming! ( a somewhat relevant joke considering the original line and what this is about. )
So this actually happened last night from about 8PM UK time, I had just met up with some friends i'd met online a few years back for the first time and we decided to go 'camping' up some mountains for the night. So after going through a wooded area for an hour or two and finding there was no way through ( it was extremely muddy and quite dense ) after climbing over logs and going down steep inclines and then back up them we decided to turn around and go back and find another way up. Now we happened to pass some 'steps' made out of the naturally formed rock that went all the way to the peak however it was quite a steep incline and i'm not the healthiest person ( far from it ) so I struggled a lot to get to the top, my friends were carrying my bag for me ( which had my extra layers of clothing in ) and went on ahead to watch the sunset from the peak, leaving me half way up with only a T-shirt on and the sun going down and the wind blowing quite furiously.
So of course the inevitable happened, I started getting cold. Really cold. Finally they decided to see where I was because I was taking so long, I had actually broken down due to feeling so shit that I couldn't make it up there and felt like I was letting them down majorly anyway when one of them finally reached me I started putting two extra layers on and it helped a lot. We got to the peak and we were going to set up camp there but it was too dark and too windy plus the ground was uneven so we abandoned that idea. They came up with the idea of sitting on the canvas of the tent and trying to stay warm. At this point one of them asked if I was going to share the blanket I was wearing underneath my jacket with the rest of us to which I kindly obliged but this was a big mistake. Almost immediately my temperature dropped dangerously low, they were quite warm however because one of them had allowed the other to cuddle into him for warmth but I wasn't allowed to do this because this 'friend' wouldn't let me for some reason only known to himself.
So I have somewhat a keen interest in medicine and knew all about hypothermia and could tell that it was starting to settle in, I broke out the emergency foil blanket thing from my First Aid kit but trying to wrap it around myself with strong winds was impossible, I had to hold it to my body with my teeth because I couldn't feel my hands. We had finally gotten a signal at the top of the peak but it was sketchy to say the best, I'd gotten texts from my mum asking if we'd set up camp yet and I told her no and explained the situation and well Mountain Rescue was informed. At this point one of my friends got pretty annoyed at the fact that just because I was feeling a little 'chilly' that we were going to have to have mountain rescue up and it's going to be embarrassing. Soon we saw a helicopter in the distance and it passed us several times without noticing us ( we were using flashlights and mobiles and trying to draw attention to ourselves but no luck ) they had tried to call me and get me to describe where we were but it wasn't much help as there were lots of mountains/hills nearby, they tried to get our GPS signal from my other friends iPhone to get a lock on but I don't think it worked that well as it was placing us several miles away from where we actually were.
Through EXTREME luck did they actually find us nothing to do with skill or judgement but the ground was so bad they couldn't land so they had to send a team up the mountain. I had absolutely no concept of time at this point because I was so cold and out of it but it did take them about an hour to reach us, immediately I had blankets thrown on me, heat packs under my arms, blood pressure/heart rate monitoring, had to give a blood sample for checking my sugar levels ( which were exceptionally low as I had also fucked up by not eating much at all that day or drinking ). My heart rate was fast, my sugar was low, my temperature was just below 34 degrees, I was badly dehydrated so I had an IV stuck in my arm ( I reaaaaaaaaaaaally fucking hate needles ). They made me some instant meal up by adding water and it heats it up ( it was Chicken Tikka Masala with rice and it was actually really nice tasting ), they decided that it was too unsafe to stretcher me down because it was so dark and steep plus quite narrow in bits so they had to wait for the helicopter to airlift me to hospital, it took about 2hrs for it to get there but once on it I was feeling quite sick ( motion sickness hits me bad ) and started to get hyper-thermic at this point.
Once in hospital I had blood taken ( yay more needles ) and had the IV replaced because it wasn't in properly, kept me in for a few more hours for obs and blood tests results and was released later with a slight warning about my body making an enzyme because its thinking it's fighting off an infection and to watch for blood in my pee. Needless to say my parents aren't happy with me and nor was the police or nurses (totally understandable of course ). I was also told that I was lucky to be alive and that where I was found is where previously members of the SAS have been found dead because of the same reason. ( For the American buddies that don't know, the SAS are an elite group of soldiers especially trained for situations like that and more ). I don't think i'll ever go up another mountain in my entire life, I'm not cut out for that crap physically anyway and i'm sure mountain rescue will be happy if they don't see me again ( however they were exceptionally nice and friendly with me when I was up there and I will be donating to their cause every month from now on )
TL;DR Went up mountain, got cold, almost died from hypothermia.
EDIT: Forgot to mention that while we were waiting for the helicopter my friends were busy making jokes and videos about how this is embarrassing that just because i'm a 'little cold' that this was happening even though they wouldn't share their own body heat with me.
EDIT 2: Yeah I added paragraphs, sorry. My brain is still a little fuzzy and not thinking 100%
UPDATE: So yeah the guy that said that stuff found out I was saying stuff about him behind his back ( it really wasn't that way I just didn't know how to actually say it to his face because I knew he'd react this way ), he's said that im making all this stuff up and it's total bullshit that I could have died because he 'overheard' the team telling the police officers that i'm fine and I was barely hypothermic. However the team and the doctors have told my family that It was a situation where another hour and we would of been dealing with something else entirely but he won't listen to me because he's so full of his own bullshit I think it's blocking his ears and clouding his eyes.
jjgonya: I'm sorry, but the friend you went climbing with was an asshole for not sharing heat with you. If he didn't want a helicopter ruining his brokeback mountain plans, he should have included you when you made mention of how fucking cold you were.
Avenged8xsucks: The VERY worst part of it is that I would of done anything for him if he needed help in a fucking heartbeat. I remember being half in and out of conciousness trying to focus on keeping awake and positive and warm and he started coughing violently and I actually snapped out of it and asked him if he was okay
Avenged8xsucks: I also feel that it was the HUMAN thing to do in that situation not just because we were supposedly friends. I'm thinking that somewhere there's a definition of a bad person and a good person. And obviously i'm not putting the blame 100% onto them because it was me who was unprepared but considering they could of helped the situation significantly and chose not to...then Idk anymore.
jjgonya: At least you're alive to hate and distrust him rather than needing to be avenged a 9th time. If ever there was a next mountaineering time for you, please do extra research, pay to go on a group trip with an expert, and start off slow. I'd rather be super prepared on top of being with an expert who's paid to take good care of you, than having a recap of last night. Maybe invest in some awesome thermals, gloves, wool socks, and a good hat.
Avenged8xsucks: Thanks, I knew it was seriously stupid of me to be unprepared anyway because I already knew the dangers of hypothermia, this trip was literally planned at 1:30AM yesterday and within a few hours they were down from England ( I live in Wales ) and this was happening, didn't have much time to buy thermals.
| 6 | 4.833333 |
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