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1412107430 | 1412108608 | t3_2hx6uh | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking Mountain Dew and playing Slender in study hall.
This happened today, BTW, and I'd like to share with you. I had brought my laptop to school for a geometry thing, and I was using it in my study hall. I have study hall right after lunch, where I had consumed a Mountain Dew Code Red with my sample chicken wings, a piece of pizza, and some junk from ala Carte.
I was talking to a friend about how I was a pussy to play Slender, and he told me to play it, and he would sit with me to calm me. I collected the page with slender in a bunch of trees in the bathroom maze first, then the "Don't look or it takes you" from the oil tankers. I then picked up "Can't run" by some rocks. The whole time, I was shaking and nervous, trying to quit, but my friend told me to keep playing. on my way to find the fourth page, my laptop was under the impression that I had turned around. Slenderman was right FUCKING there! I screamed "Jesus Christ!" and slammed my laptop shut. Everyone in the class looks at me. I explained that I had been jumpscared on caffeine, but still got weird looks.
Tl;dr: I played Slender in study hall on caffeine, and screamed like a girl when Slender was behind me.
comaman: What is slender? A web game is guess. could I get a link?
RainbowDashisbeast2: it's really scary, here: http://slendergame.com/game.php
comaman: 2spooky4 you
RainbowDashisbeast2: I'mma try FNAF demo later.
| 5 | 1 | |
1409716611 | 1409753400 | t3_2fbrdl | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying a car from a friend
So my fuck up began about 3 months ago when a good friend of mine propositioned me to buy a car of his he was trying to sell for $1k less than his asking price. He asked me to buy it because I had sold a car previously and had the cash available and he was too lazy to take pics and market it. Keep in mind we're both car guys. And the car in question is a limited edition sports car. Only made one year, total of 5,600 made. So it's hard to figure a price on it. Anyways I reluctantly agree and buy it, also keep in mind this is the most money I've ever spent on anything. I also was planning on flipping the car. I would be okay with breaking even I just wanted to do him a favor. So I gave him the cash and we finished the paperwork on it on a weekday before I go to work. After I get off I go over to pick the car up and am leisurely driving it on the scenic way home.
And then it happens, not 20 minutes into the drive the car starts making this horrendous screeching noise of metal on metal grinding. This car is screeching like it's about to meet it's maker at the crusher. I pull over and start to diagnose the issue. The noise is in sync with the clutch pedal so I thought the disc was at the end of it's life. So I take this car back to my friends house and tell him to come outside. I mean this thing is screamin' like a banshee. He apologized and said he wouldn't have sold me the car if it was messed up blah blah blah.
So I buy a new clutch and install it myself since I can't afford to spend anymore money on this car. The problem was the throwout bearing was toast. This takes 2 weekends and a ton of effort. After that i cleaned the car up and put it on craigslist. I did alot of work to it. I fixed the AC, fixed the stereo, waxed it, detailed the interior and a few other things. So I put the car for sale for his original asking price with a nice fancy ad thinking it will be a breeze to sell. Nope, it's been for sale for over 2 months and I've had 4 people look at it but no buyers. I get a ton of lowball offers some even offering me almost half what I have into it. So now I'm stuck with this sports car I need gone. So not only am I losing money at this point I've also got at least 50 hours of work into it.
TL;DR Bought a rare car off a friend to flip it, breaks down on the drive home, put more money into it, get offers as low as half what I have into it.
This is what a fried throughout bearing looks like:
http://s1257.photobucket.com/user/pimpinparrott/media/IMG_0241_zps20a1bde2.jpg.html
The car:
http://s1257.photobucket.com/user/pimpinparrott/media/IMG_0277_zpse4b2f024.jpg.html
nickdarius: How much are you asking for it?
33calvin33: How much??
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409720355 | 1409746236 | t3_2fbwl9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Tevroc: TIFU by swishing with NyQuil instead of mouthwash
I've had a cold for the last few days, and just now I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I was about to brush my teeth and decided to take some NyQuil first. My bottle of mouthwash was right in front of me as I poured out the NyQuil into the little medicine cup. I tipped the cup back and poured it into my mouth, and yep, mouthwash was "on the brain", so instead of swallowing the foul-tasting NyQuil immediately, I began to swish it around in my mouth.
I don't even know how to describe the confusion and disgust that ensued for the next 2 seconds. What the hell is this thick, horrible tasting stuff in my mouth, and why am I intentionally swishing it around? It was very unpleasant, to say the least. I do not recommend.
I desperately wanted to either spit it out or vomit. It took every ounce of my willpower to decide "I must swallow this".
I swallowed it, and now I can't get the taste out of my mouth.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
EroKintama: Well... at least you didn't take your mouthwash thinking it was Nyquil?
woodsie1995: I once shotted mouthwash because it was in that tiny little cup and when else do we have those?
| 3 | 2 | |
1409722368 | 1409747446 | t3_2fbz60 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying a PS4
Happened earlier today. Ive been wanting Destiny so I think about buying a PS4, so i go to the gamestore set on buying the PS4 and I trade my 360 and some games in for it. Buy it, and went to preorder Destiny. But no one told me that Destiny is a ONLINE game. So, since I have no connection to the interwebz Im stuck with something i paid $200 for.
Ps4 has no gaems
Rotnam: I enjoyed assassin's creed black flag and wolfenstien.
Big_D_Man: Hell yeah wolfenstein, i loved that game, classic first person shooter with a good story. Assassins creed black flag was fun too.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409721957 | 1409760109 | t3_2fbyoj | t5_2to41 | 6 | DeleteAfterPost: TIFU by eating yogurt before Father's Day
reneefk: Isn't Activia just a probiotic? It isn't really the same as a laxative, unless I'm wrong?
MikeRabsitch: It is. I'm pretty sure OP's 'rhea was caused by something from the steakhouse.
reneefk: Ok that's what I thought
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409721706 | 1409743406 | t3_2fbye4 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally showing my GF's 8yr old brother Jlaw nudes
This is how the The Fappening may have ruined my life. (Happened earlier tonight.)
I think some context may be necessary first. After the whole leak picture stuff from yesterday a fellow redditor friend of mine was informing me of the nuclear scale of the situation. He even sent me a screen cap of how Jlaws full frontal pics where on twitter too. Well fast forward to today; I am finishing up summer reading that i long procrastinated to do. I asked my buddy to send me pics of his questions that he finished. So tonight i am hanging out at my GF's house finishing up the last of my summer reading in their living room. I needed to look back at my buddies picture of the questions he sent me. Lo and behold i scroll back on my iPhone one swipe too many... Right back to the full frontal pic of Jlaws tits hanging out. My stomach drops. Once the pic is one my screen for a mere 2 seconds i notice my surroundings... My GF's 8yr old little brother was looking over my shoulder. I just sat in that couch with a blank 1000 yard stare realizing what ive just done. He didn't say anything or react so... Yeah thats how my night was going.
TL;DR accidentally showed my GF's brother Jlaw nudes
TaKKuN1123: Since when is Jlaw short for Jennifer Lawrence? I mean... I get it, but I read the whole thing thinking you were talking about Jude Law...
luv2hotdog: Me too. I thought this was about jude law pics from 8 years ago
TaKKuN1123: not sure if sarcasm, but regardless
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409718164 | 1409774052 | t3_2fbtou | t5_2to41 | 4 | 2chainz4lyfe: TIFU by wearing a winter jacket as my pants
Sorry guys I don't have a penis story :(
This was back when I was in High School during senior year (senioritis is in full swing). So we had this design class, where we had to build something magnificent/save the world, all that shit that teenagers set out to do before realizing they'd rather just sit on reddit and laugh at other people's fuckups.
So anyway, we have a workshop with machines that could cut your entire hand off (anything named a "chop saw" is probably terrifying). It was towards the end of the year, when the weather is hot and school is that annoying building you just can't leave yet. My teacher is pretty strict about safety, to the point where anyone wearing shorts is automatically kicked out of the lab for safety concerns.
So I wake up one day and unthinkingly, show up in my shorts. My friend, we'll call him David noticed it.Gingerly avoiding my teacher, I managed to get through part of the day... until I heard her yell, "Anyone wearing shorts better go get some pants, or I'm kicking you out of the class (luckily I'm not the only one)". Now I'm in panic mode, knowing I'll fail this class if I don't finish the project today. All my friends discovered pants in the lost and found (we were pretty desperate), except me. So, "David" jokingly suggests, "Why not wear your winter jacket as pants?" Apparently, I had stuffed my jacket in my locker and forgotten about it. So I thought, "Well, why not? Can't get worse than this!" Well I stroll into the lab, rocking my new jacket pants (with my legs in the sleeve holes) and "pulling.it.off." But as the shitstaing that is my luck would have it, my teacher calls me over to help her pick a box off the ground. I'm panicking now, because I need one hand to hold my jacket up and keep it from slipping off. So I decide, in my infinite wisdom, to tell her, "Hey Ms. T., I'm wearing jackets as pants, so I really can't help you."
And then I got the death stare.
My friend gave me the universal "You fucked up bro", before my teacher turned bright red and whispered, "Get out of this room before I curse my head off." Well at this point I figure, might as well go play Guitar Hero in the lounge we have! I play till lunch, fucking owning it, until I hear my name on the loudspeaker. "2chainz4lyfe, please report to the principal's office." Now I start freaking the fuck out. What if I get some huge punishment? I hope to god they don't report this to college, or I'm royally fucked more than Queen Elizabeth. My district is strict (haha) and I really, really, don't want it reported that I disregarded all safety measures and cut class (it wasn't the first time). So I show up to the office and am told that if I apologize, there won't be a harsh punishment. I proceed to apologize like there's no tomorrow, like I'm apologizing for all the sins of the human race. I really, really, don't want it told that I disregarded all safety measures and cut class (it wasn't the first time). Luckily my teacher was willing to accept, and I got off with a minor lunch detention. Whew.
Tl;dr: Needed pants. Wore jacket as pants. Teacher got infuriated and I almost got in a boatload of trouble.
MaxChaotic: I can understand safety concerns and all that, but what kind of shop has leg-level machinery? Anything that low should be covered by external structure and, while pants are good for keeping your legs clean and offering very minor protection from non-machine related sources, I've never -ever- found them necessary in shop.
Secondly, what kind of teacher gets all blue in the face over some senior goofing around? Does he think he is God's gift to high-school shop class? Does he have naturally rage-filled tendencies provoked by the need to compensate for something?
Seriously, I would have done the same thing as you, OP, save for apologizing. Unless your school's code expressly forbids respectful noncompliance, you were in the clear by all means.
SilentGaia: Most labs do require you to wear pants and closed-toe shoes in the rare case that something falls, your legs will be somewhat safe.
The only lab that I've had so far that didn't give a shit about me wearing shorts was two intro electrical engineering labs (even though it was stated in the lab safety manual that we had to wear long pants, whoops).
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409714650 | 1409765706 | t3_2fbogw | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to keep up with my Friends
This happened 2012.
I moved out of town and began working to save money for school. anyways I meet people at work and all that jazz of making friends at work. so one night they invite me out to go drinking with them.
(I never drank before this, mostly played games or soccer over the weekends)
he says its so and so's birthday, check it out. I'm like sure. I talk to guy on my break he says yeah its gonna poker and light drinking.( i shoulda seen it coming) im like sweet I'll skip that stuff and play card games.
fast foward to that night.
everybody brought $60, were all sitting there talking, passing beer around. it was cool.
the birthday guy isnt here so we wait. I take a beer.(mostly sipping)
after an hour he arrives, he looks a little giddy. he says "pokers not happening everybody go to the liquor store with that $60."
I'm like oh noes...
I went along just bought a flat of beer. gawds we filled his fridge and pulled everything out. fridge full and 2 flats outside the fridge. it was something. anyways this guy who invites me lets call him...mr.smiles whenever i see him he smiles. well mr.smiles whenever I look in his direction he smile and come over and say" hey u having fun?" yeah man "cool have some" he then gave me his bottle(grey goose) I take a sip...burns but i didnt let him see me suffer I take it down and my mouth begins to build up with saliva. hes smiles and goes off.
goes on like this at least 3 times with smaller sips but i grab a beer after the third attempt as a shield to repel him.
anyways birthdayman says we all gotta go to another party. we all leave but mr.smiles is by the door and blocks me.he gives me the bottle again, I felt pissed and took some and give it back, he says no and take another.(arrgh...pain!) I do it and catch up.when I ran outside...oh lawdy...all that poison started kicking in.
anyways we get there handshakes and who are u's and alot of ppl. shortly everybody passes out jelloshots, they looked really small in the cups. we do the birthday song and at the end everybody digested their jello. i was like yeah i love jello, this should stop the buildup of saliva......they made it with pure alcohol!
something started to well up inside, I ran to the bathroom covering my mouth(spilling) I let it out in the sink. feeling embarassed I decided to clean up the mess....then I blacked out.
I wake up the next morning in my bed(yes!I'm home not at some random place) I head to the store to buy some grub and I run into the birthday guy. he looks at me wierd, we get in line and says...."did u use my sisters bathroom yesterday?"
I freeze and say.."yeah..." he stares intensely just like in those clint eastwood movies... guess who had to clean it up this morning.
not me lol
Tl:dr: went to a party,turned to an all out drinking party, tried to keep up ended up throwing up in someone's sink.
AndFallAsWell: Sounds like a completely normal night drinking. One time when i was in high school me and some friends drank vodka at my friends house. I always puke when i drink, even if i dont drink that much. So i puked in my friends sink like normal and i cleaned it as well as i could, being pretty drunk. The next morning i came out and saw my friends mom cleaning the sink. I was like oh shit i probably got some chunks on the edge or something.
Later i told my friend and she just said her moms a clean freak so who knows. I'll never be sure if she was just cleaning or she was cleaning up my rancid chunks. Super awkward.
Plus your friend cant be mad because he did force you to drink when you didnt want to like a complete asshole.
dam1985: "I always puke when i drink, even if i dont drink that much."
That's not normal. Learn to handle your liquor like a man and know your limits. I drink plenty and haven't thrown up from drinking since I was in college, and then it was only because I drank too much and didn't know and respect my limits.
AndFallAsWell: Yeah its probably because i dont drink that often. My stomachs pretty weird tho. Like even spaghetti fucks it up sometimes.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409718679 | 1409735893 | t3_2fbuf0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | thekarmapoliceman96: TIFU by failing to notice that my sister was choking on a creamsaver
Ok, first off, this didn't happen today. This happened a good 10 or 11 years ago, when creamsavers actually still existed. I was around 7 at the time.
Me and a buddy of mine were playing Tekken 3, minding our own business. My sister was sitting on the couch behind us, enjoying a bag of creamsavers. Now, like any wide-eyed kid growing up in the early 2000s, I was unhealthily addicted to video games. To the point where I'd literally blot out anything else going on around me. My friend was the same way. We would never take our eyes off of the screen until we were finished.
So, this proved extremely bad for my sister, who chose the worst time ever to choke on something. A creamsaver had gone down the wrong pipe, and she was gasping for air before she knew it. Of course, I didn't know this, because I was too immersed in Playstation to acknowledge anything going on behind me. Even when my sister got up, slapped BOTH me and my friend on the back, AND tried to get our attention by reaching for our game controllers, we ignored her. Finally, she did the only thing she could think of- she flung herself onto the couch. Impossibly, the creamsaver came loose and she coughed it out of her mouth.
I didn't even realize what had happened until my grandmother walked in and pointed out that my sister was crying. Needless to say, I didn't hear the end of it for a long time.
TL;DR My sister almost choked to death on a creamsaver because I was too distracted by video games to notice what was going on.
kirigherkins: Wow, you really should've creamsaved-her.
loleetah: We're going there, huh?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409720191 | 1409777301 | t3_2fbwe7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | nenster: TIFU and broke a toy machine.
I've never seen a toy machine with toys stuck to the wall of the game, but I figured it would be easy as hell to get one. All I had to do was snag the rubber band with the claw and pull, right?
Wrong. I put the damn thing out of commission.
And I didn't even get my toy.
[The family behind me couldn't stop laughing.](https://38.media.tumblr.com/efb9273bb814b8681a1032f4d859fab8/tumblr_nbcf2fwUHj1r7gduxo1_500.jpg)
sfitznott: What's with the gmail link?
nenster: I'm an idiot. Fixed the link. D:
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409728150 | 1409774980 | t3_2fc5d5 | t5_2to41 | 587 | 69ish: TIFU By Bringing Home A Crazy Fat Girl
This was one of the most collossal mistakes of my life. I went out to a bar, with a friend. Afterwards we went to where a party. The party didn't exist. We then went to another, smaller party. My friend left and I figured I would find a ride home another way later on that night.
That party is where I met her.
I danced, and drank. I brought some groovy dance moves to the floor. I went to the kitchen, because there was a nice guy there giving out beer and another nice guy giving out shots. They were cool, I liked them.
This time when I went to the kitchen they were distracted, and this girl appeared who weighed more than me easily. She offered me a beer. Nice girl.
I went back to spinning and grinding on the dance floor, then went back to the kitchen. This time, it was just the girl. No one else in the kitchen.
Now, reciprocity is a motherfucker, because I felt indebted to this girl, for giving me a beer earlier that wasn't even her beer. So I figured I should talk to her. She interpreted this passing kindness as a major indicator of interest.
So she kissed me. I leaned back, and said "No." she looked at me, big, fat eyes looking like they're about to cry, and she said "No?"
I felt bad for her. I really did. I didn't want to be an asshole, I wasn't that attracted to this girl, but I figured there was something about good karma in it.
So, I let her "give me a ride home". When we got to my house, I already knew what was coming, "Can I come inside?" She asked.
Not wanting to be rude, once again, I said yes. Also at this point my penis was just happy to have found a home for the night.
So, I bring the girl inside, take her to my room, and fuck her. Because that's the gentlemanly thing to do.
After banging her, and having the post-orgasmic moment of clarity I realized I didn't know this girl at all, and she was now in my bed, refusing to stop sucking my limp dick even trying to bring Jesus(my dick) back to life for one more trip into her lady parts.
I put on some shorts and left the room, to go to the kitchen to cook food.
After cooking a big meal of sweet potatoes, eggs, onions, bacon and broccoli, she came out of my room.
I'm a nice guy, so I offered her food. I feed pretty much everyone I can when they're around. Then I went into our living room, where my roommate was smoking some weed.
I sat down beside him, he's been in a rough place recently, it's rare to see him outside of his room. As we were sitting there the girl came in, after literally licking her plate clean in the kitchen, and sat down on a chair right near me.
A couple minutes go by, my roommate is talking to me, so I'm listening. Then I feel something warm on my leg. Hot actually.
I look over and see flames. She set my shorts on fire! I smack it a couple times really fast and hard and put a damp washcloth from the table on my shorts.
I yelled "what the hell? Did you just set me on fire?"
She replied, "Just kidding."
That was it. I kicked her out that minute. And that kids, is how I met your mother.
TLDR: Went to a party, met girl, fat girl, being nice, bring her home, penis, she set me on fire. wtf.
deano3647: "Post orgasmic moment of clarity"
[deleted]: Those are the worst
pulsefrequency: I'm pretty sure the Japanese have a word for that
Rochillla: They do! it's Kenjataimu (賢者タイム)
RainDags: Which literally means "Bliss poetry time"
Rochillla: Not quite... it's literally "wise man time".
RainDags: Quite close for something completely made up!
| 8 | 73.375 | |
1409714594 | 1409731272 | t3_2fbodt | t5_2to41 | 4 | alfsdungeons: TIFU By giving my passport to the Chinese Visa Office the day before I flew to the US
Title explains it all. I live in Australia. I'm visiting China in October so i submitted my visa application WITH PASSPORT today. Several hours later i realised i am flying to Vegas tomorrow. Holy shit, Maestro Moron right here. Flying over to meet my parents with my sister (who cannot fly solo due to intellectual disabilities), and my brother is on a different flight.
After hours of banging heads and pulling hair, some terrific phone operators have greased my siblings and my tickets. My brother and my sister are flying together, and i fly later.
So much effort has gone into this and i go ahead and fuck it up.
Keep it sleezy y'all. Peace, i'm out.
acun1994: **facepalm**
On a happier note, at least the related persons-in-charge helped you guys out.
alfsdungeons: Totally. They were up near midnight tweaking tickets. Very thankful
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412109340 | 1412115306 | t3_2hxafl | t5_2to41 | 44 | PrettyBox: TIFU by emptying the toner waste cartridge into the bathroom sink
I don't know what the hell I was thinking, but the printer in our office flashed "Replace Toner Waste Cartridge Soon", and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to just dump it out instead.
So I went to the bathroom to wash it down the drain. Immediately, "oh shit, I'm a fucking dumbass" hit me as the sink was suddenly full of minky soft dye particulate. I first tried to add water and wash it down, but that just made a cloud of ink smoke appear, (which gently landed fucking EVERYWHERE), then I tried to scoop out as much as I could into a trash bag with the tiniest paper cup imaginable.
Eventually, with a lot of hope and hot water and the focused mind-power that can only come when trying to hide your idiocy from your coworkers, the only trace of my mistake are my hands: [stained with shame.](http://i.imgur.com/XKXlMiC.jpg)
[deleted]: I'm not sure what you thought would happen but it's now time to go up to a co-worker and say "some dumbshit dumped toner in the sink. I tried to clean it up and got ink on my hands."
PrettyBox: Flaw in my plan: my one co-worker today is also my boss.
[deleted]: looks down in shame "that dumbshit was....me"
| 4 | 11 | |
1412110450 | 1412111586 | t3_2hxcln | t5_2to41 | 5 | self-cockblocker: TIFU By jacking off the night before
Set the scene: it's Saturday, my bros are throwing a rager house party and the girls are in force. Tale as old as time: find hot girl, start making out, get hot and heavy, head for private space.
It's good. Oh shit yeah its good. But for some reason, there's a communication error between my brain and my dick. My brain is sending signals about how this is pretty great of a situation. My dick is going "eh". I'm wracking my head for why the fuck we're not cooperating here.
Then I remember that the night before I had run across some of the leaked nudes. One thing led to another, and suddenly I'm four tabs into an excellent fap sesh. Normally, I'm an occasional-fap kind of guy, but for whatever reason it was like the third time that week. So when the time came for the party, well, I was all spent.
Her disappointment was palatable. My disappointment was palatable. But there was nothing I could do. I even offered to be a gentlemen about it (IYKWIM) but she just left.
As a further awkward moment, ran into her again when sobering up at McDonalds. Probably the most awkward conversation of my entire life while waiting for the uber driver to take me home.
**tl;dr: jacked off the night before a party and couldn't get it up when I needed to.**
jonb622: If you can't get it up after fapping the night before, your dick is worthless and weak.
self-cockblocker: You try keeping your dick up in a dirty bathroom, with a spent whisky-dick and tell me how well that goes. The issue wasn't that I couldn't *get* it up, just that I couldn't really keep it up.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409734309 | 1409739598 | t3_2fcapa | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking decaf coffee
Every Tuesday morning I attend a Bible study. We have some of those giant coffee drum things, 2 with regular coffee, 1 with decaf, and 1 with hot water (for those who prefer tea.) I usually have 2 cups of caffeinated coffee, but today I decided to have 1 cup regular and 1 cup decaf.
I was happily pouring myself some decaf coffee when the coffee dispenser thing sputtered. I thought nothing of it, figuring it was almost empty. I add a sugar and some cream and sat back down, listening to this week's devotion.
NOTE: I am that weird person that drinks coffee through the little straw that you stir it with. (relevant)
I was happily sipping my coffee through that tiny coffee straw when all of a sudden it felt blocked. Still thinking nothing of it, I blew into the straw and then was able to resume drinking.
Fast forward 15 minutes. I've been slowly sipping this coffee, savoring it. I was noticing it kind of tasted funny, not as flavorful as the regular caffeinated coffee. Then the straw got blocked again, but not for long.
I felt something squishy enter my mouth and I immediately spit it out. It was the size of an almond sliver and dark brown/ black in color and felt and tasted somewhat like a shiitake mushroom, but a bit more coarse, almost... hairy. I just calmly wrapped it in my napkin, trying not to disturb the group, but in my mind I was losing it.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN MY MOUTH?
WHY WAS IT IN THE COFFEE MACHINE?
WAS THE COFFEE KEG THING DIRTY?
IS THERE SUCH A THING AS COFFEE MUSHROOMS?
But luckily I never got sick. It's been 15 hours and I feel fine. I can honestly say that was the most disturbing coffee experience ever.
TL;DR: Don't drink decaf coffee. Bad things will happen.
CocoLeFleur: Dead insect, for sure.
stupidshamelessUSA: It didn't have any legs or anything though. It was just this weird mushy blob of grossness.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409724017 | 1409737112 | t3_2fc13y | t5_2to41 | 44 | LoppyCross: TIFU by having a wank
So this is a story from 10 years ago. I stumbled across this sub today so thought I'd post some thing.
So I was 16 and naturally horny as hell. I thought I was home alone and wasn't expecting any one for a few hours so I thought I would whip it out and let miss palmer and her 5 daughters go to work.
It's a lovely warm summers afternoon and I'm sitting in my lounge room, just chilling out when all the sick thoughts start entering my mind. Naturally I get horny and start wanking. I'm going at it furiously and almost at the point of climax when none other than my brother walks in.
Now what he sees is Kim possible on TV an assumes I'm jacking it to the cartoon (neither Kim nor the naked mole rat gave me this boner) and decides the next day to spread the word around the school that I was jacking it to cartoons. Naturally embarrassment ensues and I am the laughing stock for a few days.
TaKKuN1123: I really hope someone asked you "What's the Sitch?"
LoppyCross: They didn't unfortunately I probably would have high five them hahahah.
TaKKuN1123: Well even a few years too late, a joke is still a joke
LoppyCross: Virtual high five
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1409733447 | 1409736462 | t3_2fc9zz | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by messing up and spoiling my friends birthday present
This double fuckup happend yesterday, but I thought it was worth posting because in the end I think it was pretty funny.
So my friends birthday was last saturday. Me and my brother (who is also friends with the birthday man) were looking for a present.
Not knowing what to get, we asked his girlfriend for ideas and she told us he was looking for a nice snapback or fitted had.
So we visited the Vans store, bought a great present and let it be delivered at our house.
Since the snapback came from Belgium, and we live in the Netherlands, it took a bit longer than expected for the present to arrive. Yesterday it came in the mail.
Here's where the first fuckup began. The package, accepted by my mother, was damaged from the side. So when I came home I checked if the present was all-right. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so I put it back in the box and decided to wrap it up nicely later.
My mother heard me talking to by brother, when I told him about the damaged package.
For some reason she decided to check it as well.
Before I headed off to give my friend his present, I wrapped it nicely in wrapping paper. Even put on some ribbons for fun. Note: I completely SUCK at wrapping presents, so this took me a solid 15 minutes to finish.
So. I'm all finished with the wrapping. My mother comes to me: 'Aren't you supposed to put the cap in the box before wrapping it?'
Fuck.
Turns out, when my mom had a look at the box, she took out and didn't put it back in.
After a good minute of cursing I decided to carefully open the side in order to put the present back in the box, hoping I wouldn't have to do it again. NOPE. As soon as I tried to put the present in, the wrapping paper got torn apart and I had to do it all over again. DAMN!
So finally, after it had all been done I went to some bar where my friends were. Before I gave him the present, I thought i'd tell the story of my first fuckup. So as I'm telling the story, I continuously say 'thing' instead of 'snapback'. All good and well. Then, at the end of my story I quote my mother: "Aren't you supposed to put in the cap before wrapping it?"
BAM. Spoiled the present. my friend heard it, I acted like it was a joke but the damage had been done. Shit.
In the end he liked his present very much so I got that going for me.. Thanks for reading guys.
**tl;dr** Wrapped my friends birthday present without the present in the box. tried to put carefully in, messed up, rewrapped the present and later accidentally spoiled the present**
TaKKuN1123: Probably one of the happiest endings to a r/tifu story I have read tonight
[deleted]: Always look at the glass half-full way :)
TaKKuN1123: gotta stay positive right?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409735198 | 1409938524 | t3_2fcbhr | t5_2to41 | 148 | TaKKuN1123: TIFU by taking my GF to California
**Key People:** Me, GF, Rick, and Aaron
**Backstory:** About 2 years ago I made a lot of friends online. People from all over the world, It was amazing! We played games together and it was pretty chill. Rick's sister got on skype with us and told us his birthday was coming up and what better surprise than getting his friends from all over the world to come see him. Many of us agree and planning ensues.
**The Story:** I Invited my GF to come with us to California. At this point we had been together for about 4^1/2 years. We lived together at her parent's place , but had to stay in separate rooms because of her insanely religious but not even remotely religious mother. I had entertained the idea of proposing for a few years before that, had the ring and had already spoken to her father who more or less said that he had no objections. Needless to say I was pumped.
When we got to California everything was great, I loved getting to speak face to face with people I had only ever spoken to on skype, and my GF fit in with us great. All was right with the world.
Rick's sister works at Disneyland and because of that we were able to get guest passes (good shit). When my GF goes to the restroom. I pull all my friends aside and show them the ring and let them in on the plan. They are all excited and happy for me. Rick's sister pulls some strings and helps me set it up so that after the fireworks, right in front of the castle, in front of hundreds of people, I'll get my chance (needless to say she is awesome!).
The Time comes, she says yes! Happy Happy times.
Aaron, one of the friends, hits it off well with my GF.
Fast forward about 3 months later, Aaron and GF still talk all the time. Weird but whatever.
GF tells me that they have feelings for each other. I'm taken aback but, I understand. You can't help who you have a crush on. And besides he lives in NZ and we are in the US... not much is going to happen. I tell her I don't care as long as she still loves me. She reassures me yes.
GF keeps talking to Aaron. Getting a bit irritated at this point. I know you can be friends and talk but it wasn't on that level at all. They were always on skype calls, to the point where they would fall asleep in the call together (something me and her use to do when we weren't living together).
I'm kind of hurt at this point and ask her to please stop talking with him so much. At the very least don't do the sleeping in a call thing.
GF and Aaron continue to talk... Okay. I ask her what the deal is. She tells me that she doesn't really feel the same anymore. Maybe we should just be friends. I say fine and act like it doesn't bother me, but it bothers me a lot.
We go for weeks like this. On one week, off the next. Very frustrating, very irritating.
Her parent's more or less tell me I have to leave (Still not sure if GF had something to do with that). And I do. Our relationship remains undetermined for a while. We go on a "date," back to her place (parent's aren't home), make out and sexy stuff.
I ask her what we are doing. She says the same thing about how she doesn't feel the same anymore and I kind of flip. I fuss and say "well if you are just going to drag me along and not make up your mind, I'll make it up for you. We aren't together."
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. We tried to remain friends. We still talk occasionally but seeing her always makes me tremendously upset. Notice her FB photo changes to a picture of her and Aaron. THAT FUCKER FLEW BACK FROM NZ TO HANG OUT WITH HER! Needless to say, I'm really fucking upset. I know we weren't together but I mean come on. I introduced the two of you, the least you could do was inform me that it has become sort of a thing. And I let her know that. I take the box of notes and pictures and memories and burn it. Record a video of that and send it to her.
All of that and I realize that I still want something. search my boxes for maybe a picture I missed. Found one. put it away to never see, but to always have. Feel like an ass, apologize for being a dick about it but make sure she knows I don't regret it.
Fuck I hate that I still love this woman.
**TL;DR:** Took GF to meet friends in CA. Propose to GF. Things look great. Friend and GF apparently fall for each other. Kind of sucks.
**Sidenote:** How the fuck does one get over this shit?!
whamarian: Bro, I'm sorry for you. Like from the bottom of my heart, I feel for you. That was beyond fucked up on both their parts, but the good news is, you came out on top. You managed to not spend the rest of your life with someone who'd leave you because of someone new. The best way to deal with this is to let all the emotions come out naturally and in a way that you're comfortable with. You'll always probably love her but there was a time in your life where she wasn't there, so you CAN do it without her. Don't give in to overwhelming sadness, live well and do whatever it is that makes you happy.
TaKKuN1123: thanks homie
whamarian: Anytime and if you ever need to talk I'm sure I'm not the only person who will offer, but I'm around.
PoPuLaRLoNER510: Prooooobaly not a good idea he makes anymore cyber friends..
andylawa42: Plot twist, whamarian is Aaron.
koldlol: Wouldn't that be some shit lolol
| 7 | 21.142857 | |
1409736815 | 1409738442 | t3_2fccw1 | t5_2to41 | 25 | EroKintama: TIFU by eating a chicken bake from Costco
So, day starts out like any other day. Wake up, shower, get dressed etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was my day off from work and I needed to run some errands for my wife. I decide to hit up Costco since its close to lunch time as well. After waiting in line and making my decision, I decide to go with a chicken bake and a churro. There wasn't any seating so I decide that before I go in to shop that I'll walk across the parking lot to check out gamestop and browse to pass the time.
While in the store I do my best to eat very carefully. After all, I don't want to make a mess for the store employee to clean up. I get to the last couple bites of my chicken bake without issue. I then decide its safe to just take a nice bite and here is where I make my mistake. You see, the chicken bake was still piping hot... or at least the juices from it were which had pretty much formed a little juice ball at the bottom. So when I went at it, it pretty much exploded all over my face and shirt. I was hunched over looking at a game at the time so this startled me and made my fall flat on my ass.
If you need me to illustrate, it looked like I was on the floor and the churro had just jizzed on me. Like said, it was pretty hot too so it felt like parts of my face were burning too. And of course the store employee laughed....
TL/DR... ate a chicken bake and got jizzed on by it.
ItsnotBatman: I'll take the burning and falling if it means I can have a Costco chicken bake. I don't see where you fucked up.
EroKintama: Burn is one thing, but imo its not worth it all over the face.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1409738672 | 1409827559 | t3_2fcegt | t5_2to41 | 2,838 | OptsDan: TIFU By going HAM on a girl
Drinks were flowing,
As the night drew late,
Pissed as a fart,
My quest, to mate.
A young lady I found,
Tall cute and blonde,
Her looks and charm,
I was fond.
We laughed we smiled,
Drank and flirted,
"Come home we me"
Were the words I blurted.
We left the club,
Caught a taxi back,
To my domain,
The lay on track.
Things progressed,
This was surreal,
My bedroom we went,
To seal the deal.
Safety first,
I wrapped up well,
Entered her pussy,
The next part was hell
Pounding away,
She was really tight,
Then all of a sudden,
Things didn't feel right
I felt a 'twang',
And cried out in pain,
My member was broken,
Not just a sprain
I pulled out of her,
The outcome was damning,
Frenulum detached,
From too hard a ramming,
Screaming in agony,
Begin did the flood,
I pulled off the rubber,
As my phallus spat blood.
The night started well,
Ended in despair,
My penis is maimed,
And in need of repair.
__________________________________________
E: PART 2 NOW AVAILABLE http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fftid/tifu_by_going_ham_on_a_girl_update/
TheEnKrypt: I hope I never end up injuring my penis to the extent that I have to relay the incident in poetry.
My condolences, OP.
Gamerhead: I'm confused. How exactly did he injure himself? I've never has this happen or anything close to it.
dankman13: i can give you a .gif as an explanation or a text-based explanation. which do you want?
[deleted]: Both
dankman13: http://i.imgur.com/mkcil.gif this could potentially happen in any position, although i've only had close calls to this kind of thing with the girl on top. this is a unique position though and seems inherently dangerous.
A) the dick gets pulled out just a little bit too far
B) then the tip gets caught on the side of the vagina.
C) without registering you aren't quite in yet you thrust or your SO sits down.
i've been very lucky to notice whenever step B occurs.
[deleted]: I think im going to puke that hurt me just watching that
dankman13: /r/Eyebleach for you my friend
[deleted]: Well that place helped...thanks
ANAL_DOG_LICKER: You can also check out [/r/palatecleanser](www.reddit.com/r/spacedicks)
OD_Emperor: [/r/palatecleanser](/r/spacedicks)
You did a thing. Here's the real link.
Slayerz2000: NO WAY YOU FUCKER
OD_Emperor: What?
| 13 | 218.307692 | |
1412114368 | 1412117608 | t3_2hxk66 | t5_2to41 | 31 | sucksatkaratehelp: TIFU, and my friend karate'd the shit out of my privates
I went to a friend's house today, and ended up helping her do karate training. I just had to put on headgear and hold the pad while she kicked it. That was it. That's all I had to fucking do. It was simple, so of course I fucked up. My brain told me to readjust the pad while she was in mid-kick. The pad now moved unexpectedly, her black-belt kick ended up nailing me right in the lips. No, not those lips. D':
I saw fucking stars, doubled over, duck-walked a few steps, and face-planted. (Luckily, the headgear kept my face safe!) I'd never been hit in the vagina before, and let me tell you, I don't recommend it. I was curled up in a ball swearing into the dirt for what felt like a million years. She asked me if the kick landed on my stomach or thigh, and I choked out "You dumb shit. You kicked me in the pussy." I felt bad for calling her a dumb shit, but not nearly as bad as my love-cave was feeling. At some point while I was rolling on the ground crying, she went inside and got me some ice, so I guess we're still gurrrrrlz.
It's been hours, and the real pain is gone but my labia is bruised to shit. It's really a mess down there. Looks like Grimace from the McDonald's ads. It's not her fault, but I'm never helping her practice kicks again.
the_dinks: I had to flair this for public safety's sake.
Don't think of me as a hero.
sucksatkaratehelp: Men beware... of vagina injury?? Wat?
the_dinks: Whoops I didn't really read the story and assumed that it was about getting kicked in the balls.
I stand corrected.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1412114151 | 1412148419 | t3_2hxjsr | t5_2to41 | 67 | allstarlamar: TIFU by getting drunk at my girlfriend's birthday
I am a student at the rival university of my (now) ex-girlfriend's university. She naturally invited my friends and I to her apartment to celebrate her birthday with a calm night at her place.
The night started off well and my buddies and I were having a good time, drinking and merrymaking in the apartment with her good friends. At one point in the night, she told me that she had to go to a frat party quickly as part of her sorority's obligations. I told her that I would go with her because I wanted to spend time with her.
At this point I was slightly more intoxicated than the rest of the group, but not out of control. We walked down the street to pick up her sisters and continued to the party. Once we got to the party, the group dissipated throughout the house. I regretfully grabbed a cup of their punch, which had a stench of God knows what kinds of booze concocted together. Naturally I slammed the glass and began playing beer pong.
My girlfriend finished talking to her sisters and wanted to spend some time with me. She asked me to come out to the lawn where she was at. I let her know that I would after I finished the game. After the game, the drinks hit me like a ton of bricks and I began getting sloppy.
I stumbled out to the lawn where I saw her and her sorority sisters chatting, designing t-shirts or whatever they do. I walked up behind the group and thought that I had seen my girlfriend. I was mistaken. I came up behind her sorority sister, wrapped my arm around her waist and open mouth kissed her right in from of my girlfriend.
Needless to say, things went south. She began to yell at me (warranted) and slapped me as she walked home. I had to call all of my friends that lived in the city until I woke up a friend from high school that had a track meet the next day at 7:00 AM. When I got back to their apartment, I was kicked out of my girlfriend's bed for the night and promptly two days later, she broke up with me.
TL;DR I got hammered at a frat party, made out with my girlfriend's sorority sister in front of her and had to hitchhike home.
gethigh_watchHBO: How did the sorority sister respond to the kiss?
Based on your TL;DR it seems she may have been receptive to it.
allstarlamar: Yeah she started hitting on me and such when I was sober the next day haha
chrisbechicken: So not all is lost?....... Sorry.
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1412115377 | 1412176128 | t3_2hxlzp | t5_2to41 | 90 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost seriously damaging my penis with a tape measure.
So I'm a 17 year old male and I was curious about whether I meet certain "man standards". Everyone's measured their penis at some point right? Well yesterday I took the tape measure from my garage and decided to measure mine. It was a cheap old tape measure so the button to lock it didnt work, you had to hold it down. So I'm sitting in my room, fully erect, trying to line up the tape to get maximum length and I forgot that I had to hold down the button. As I change grip the tape flies back into the holder thing slicing the side of my dick. I flinch and the tape then pinches the skin at the base of my dick. It didnt really cut the shaft very much, more like a scratch but the pinch got pretty deep and it bled a fair amount. It all hurt like hell though. I put some neosporin on it and a few band aids and it seems alright now but I was scared shitless when it happened.
RockLoi: So... how big was it?
sleazy24: big enough :'(
cannonrushinGGod: we want the exact number.
apachestop: for science
Dimsml: You monster!
| 6 | 15 | |
1409743581 | 1409755350 | t3_2fcj3t | t5_2to41 | 78 | Ianrathbone: TIFU by going for an eye test
I'm generally useless when it comes to going for routine checkups. I've not been to the dentist for around 6 years and not had a eye test for 3.
Seeing as the company (UK) I work for have a good medical plan and we're also all getting made redundant I figured I'd try and max out all of my company benefits.
I've been to the dentist. Incredibly I'm in good shape. Had to have a filling topped up (I didn't know I had a filling).
Next stop was the optician.
I have to wade through town to get from the office over to Specsavers. In doing so I go past every single high street shop, chav, big issue, old woman and shoe shiner.
Our town normally gets flooded on a daily basis with charity workers. Today was no different.
I'm a target for these people, I don't know what it is about me or why I attract them but if they're not with somebody they actually jump over an entire pavement full of potential pundits to get to me. Making eye contact from at least a mile away.
Today's lady caught me and asked if I had a moment to chat, and me without my phone had to actually talk to her. However I remembered I had the perfect excuse!
I simply said 'sorry I can't stop I am off to get my eyes tested'. I was so pleased that for once I didn't have to lie to a charity worker!! I did notice however that her big grin immediately changed to one of distaste.
Figured she must be on commission.
I skipped off, got to Specsavers on time and got my eyes fixed.
On the way back I managed to bee-line it so I didn't get caught out again by the fleet of charity workers.
I did notice however something I missed earlier - they were all working for Blind Children UK (http://www.blindchildrenuk.org/)
I felt so ashamed that I immediately went to their website when I got back to the office and gave them £20.
Tl:dr: Had to bribe a charity because I mocked their entire cause
robly18: Sooo, how are your eyes then?
Ianrathbone: I habe to wear galsses now
uui8457: Did you catch a cold? :)
Ianrathbone: My medical plan doesn't cover that
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1409744220 | 1409757517 | t3_2fcjsg | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU having sex on my moms bed
it was a weekend night and I happened to buy I a lot of cocaine. I just moved back to the town I went to high school in. I don't have a bedroom at my moms place and my buddies was out of the question at the time. so I got the bright idea to invite this girl over and long story short I cleaned the sheets made everthing exactly how it was and right when my mom got home I got a text saying a broke the bed. I can no longer go to my moms
[deleted]: Now you're a homeless bastard with a shit ton of cocaine.
Potato_palya: At least he still has cocaine.
Pweotweb: Which he could trade for chicken!
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1412113717 | 1412157147 | t3_2hxixj | t5_2to41 | 307 | Pr0v3nD1sc1pl3: TIFU by farting at work.
I work at Tip Top Bakeries (Bread, Muffins, Crumpets, Pancakes/Pikelets), I'm 21 years old, so new to the labor force.
I work long, late nights, and need fuel for said nights so I drink a lot of coffee.
Coffee makes your breath unbearable to be around, so every night before my shift (8:30pm) I have a coffee before I leave, buy an ice coffee, and a pack of extra.
Because I only work 12 hours at a time throughout the night, I'll have several coffees and eat a few pieces of gum before going back on after a break, but we all know what coffee does to ones intestines.
Well, swallowing an excessive amount of gum tends to accelerate said movements, and not in a discrete, I'll just leave the line for a sec, kinda way.
My operator is extremely anal about his workspace, and as we are all within tight quarters while producing, we all use cologne/perfume/deodorant to stay bearable throughout the sweat at night.
So I was working muffins, and am slowly ripping them out silently as to not draw any attention to my intestinal distress, when my operator decides to have a chat with me.
After around a minute of talking, he smells something rotten as hell, and he will NOT have any contamination of our product, and believes there is a hidden dead animal/growing muffin somewhere on the line, so he hits the emergency stop for the line, which stops all of the machinery for safety reasons; ALL of it.
He's got us all hunting for this contamination as I just go with it, hoping it'll all blow over, but as I'm sure he was aware, the cooling chamber was full of muffins cooling, and about 5000 muffins sitting on their hotplates in the ovens, just sitting there...
He gives up his search after about 30 minutes of our excessive searching for nothing, then proceeds to restore the line.
Now I usually look up to the guy, but this was a big misjudgement on his part, now we have 5000 black rocks, and 2 tonnes of off batter sitting in a vat that smells rancid.
We toss the whole lot, fortunately our waste gets processed into farm animal food, so we aren't completely wasting it.
But the net worth of everything we lost because of this shit was around $15,000AUD. All because I had too much coffee and gum...
**TL;DR - I shit $15K out of Australia's economy.**
keliand: I read this whole post in sort of a daze, unable to get over the fact that you farted in a muffin factory, full of muffins people are going to eat.
I mean, I understand that the food industry is full of disgusting things, but there is something especially off-putting about the idea of baking a fart into all the little air bubbles inside a muffin. Come on.
Pr0v3nD1sc1pl3: OH sorry. Just realised. I thought it was obvious, but we don't make savory muffins, English muffins is what we make at my factory, you know like bacon and egg mcmuffin style? Not like chocolate chip xD haha sorry for the misunderstanding
rjchau: ...and **that** makes it all okay then. :)
Pr0v3nD1sc1pl3: We're only human xD I bust my ass 12 hours a day to produce these goods so that maccas can profit much higher off it than we do, but hey, we all need jobs right?
rjchau: I'm not actually having a go at you... frankly farting on a food production line doesn't really bother me. Why it makes any different is a bit beyond me - it's not like you were farting *in* the muffin batter. :)
I'm more poking fun at the people who are horrified by the idea of someone daring to have bodily functions where food is being prepared.
Pr0v3nD1sc1pl3: Ah alright sorry xD misunderstood a little :3
rjchau: No need to be sorry - my post didn't make what I was thinking obvious at all.
| 8 | 38.375 | |
1412115270 | 1412192211 | t3_2hxltb | t5_2to41 | 871 | Daysian: TIFU buy going on a Tinder Date.....with a girl from the HOOD!
Alright this fuck up happened last Saturday. Its a pretty in depth story so bear with me.
I connected with this girl on Tinder and we went back and Forth for a few days. We communicated strictly through text and my first opinion was quite god. She seemed to have a good sense of humor and for the short time we talked I gathered we may get along quite well. That all ended INSTANTLY when we decided to meet on Saturday night .
We made arrangements for me to meet at her house ( her car was "un available") smoke a joint, chill and then figure out someplace to go.
Little background: I am new to the city I live in now and am still very unfamiliar with the area. So when she told me her address i just google mapped it completely unaware of where I was to be going.
Well.....after about 20 minutes on the highway and 10 minutes on back streets i realize im slowly making my way into what i can only describe as the FUCKING HOOD!!
I arrive at her house: There's like 3 and a half bicycles on her front yard. The Porch is falling off, holes in the side of her house I mean if Deebo opened the door I would not have been surprised.
She opens the door and it is in fact the girl from the pictures. She comes to the porch and begins talking. Now im originally from the North East part of NJ and I am aware that our accents may be strange to some but this chick was on some next level shit. It was like some sort of southern twang mixed with crack head and retard.
We go inside and her house is a complete disaster. Its filthy it smells like an old lady farted piss then set herself on fire.
I want to RUN. but at this point I am already committed so I trek on.
We commence joint smoking and I learn that the reason she doesnt have a car is that is was stolen at gunpoint from her by what she described as just some 15 year old kids, she herself has 4 kids of her own, has been married twice and has no job.
As were smoking she out of nowhere says " So you want to play bingo or what?" Between now being pretty stoned and her cracked out accent I laugh in her face. Her response from that was "what you don't like to gamble?"
I'm like "not really but ill give it a shot" At this point I honestly thought playing bingo stoned would be fun.
We get in my car and start driving. She then asks if its ok if we pick up her 16 year old daughter. I oblige. her 16 year old doesnt live with her she lives with her grandma / aunt or some shit. All I can think is thank god this poor girl doesnt live in that shit hole.
As we are driving there she keeps asking me how much money I want to spend on her and her daughter. She also explains to me how many bingo cards she needs. i understand none of it cause im not a degenerate bingo player, but it sounds fucking like a crazy amount to me.
So we pick her daughter up, who is very sweet, and head to the bingo hall.
Now i have never been to a bingo hall before but the place was SERIOUS. There were two buildings. One for daytime Bingo and one for Night time Bingo. We go into the night time bingo hall and its exactly what you would expect a bingo hall to look like i guess.
We grab some seats and go up to get our Bingo cards. This chick orders $60 worth of Bingo shit which included a stack of paper cards and two of these machines with kind of looked like sets of electronic battle ship. Me and her daughter opt for the one card.
We sit down and asks if i want something to drink. Im like sure a coke. Shes like well you got money. I give her a ten. she buys two sodas and then just spends my change on these like side bets.
So we play bingo and it FUCKING SUCKS!. I am having no fun and this chick is like shaking cause she isn't winning.
There are these ladies going around selling these things called "last Chance" which are some sort of like extra bingo cards or something. And as she comes around to our table my date looks at me and is like " you dont got three dollars?!" I give her $6.
As we are playing bingo we were talking about going to my place afterwards and chilling, smoking again etc. But the whole time in my mind im set on dropping this chick off as soon as I an.
So we leave, drop her daughter off and I very politely say " I do not want to be rude but I think im just gonna go home"
Shes like ok no problem. So we drive a little in silence and she has the balls to say to me " Well you still gonna give me weed and cigarettes?" I keep my cool and say i dont have weed on me but I will give you some cigarettes.
i drop her off at her house. Give her my entire pack of cigs minus a few for me to chain smoke to get over this fucking nightmare of a night.
She leans in to kiss me goodnight, i turn the cheek so she kisses me on like my ear. Gives me a weird look like, what you dont like me? and gets out.
Sunday she texts me like 5 times and invites me to her family BBQ. I finally respond several hours after last text with "look I think we should just go our separate ways"
Haven't talked to her since then.
**edit** For all who are wondering the City I am talking about is Houston. There is no zoning in Houston so especially if you are un familiar with the area as I am its very easy to crossover into the abyss with out warning.
And Babies carry guns in Texas so yes the thought of getting robbed and or shot was running through my mind.
And if it was just me and her i would have had no problem just Shitting my pants at the bingo table and been like " Yo bitch....i just shit my pants so I GOTSTA GO YA DIG!" and turtle walked my way out the door leaving her to her own devices.....but i couldnt just bounce with this kid there. Its just not the right thing to do.
Thanks for the upvotes.
**edit2** She was indeed a White chick....think she had a little Mexican in her.
2pacs: Damn this is funny as hell to someone who has used Tinder. This has happened to me as well, on a much smaller scale, but here are a few examples of what's happened to me:
-Biologist lady I went on a date with ends up being a stripper (Found out when I was out with my friends at the strip club and she was there working)
-Brought another tinder girl home after a successful night of drinks, slept with her. Woke up and she was gone and so was all my cash and a few other small valuables from my apt.
-Multiple times the girl has looked **nothing** like their pics. Usually 20-30 lbs over their visible weight in the pic.
-Girl tried to introduce me to her parents the first night we went out. She's 24...
percpetionisreality: Whats wrong with her being a stripper (assuming she doesn't have sex with clients)? Out of all your examples that one sounds like least like a dealbreaker.
SlaughterKnife: Don't date strippers. Just don't. I've seen guys try, and it's just a life ruining experience.
MBII: Go on...
SlaughterKnife: Smartest guy I knew decided to date one of his stripper friends. Bought a house with her. Every time I hung out with him from that point on, there was some problem, some huge problem, some issue, some dramatic outlier for his life to tackle that had nothing to do with anything other than his decision to nest with a stripper. Eventually, she stopped paying her half of the mortgage, and they start growing apart. Three months later, he finds out that she's fucking her boss on the regular and just using my friend to solve her problems and pay her way. He bought her a car, paid utilities, all this other entrapping shit.. and she just doesn't give a fuck. A woman who sells herself in that way doesn't give a shit about herself, so why would she give a fuck about you. My friend was a moron though, not like people weren't telling him this shit from the start, myself included. He'd just get all punchy about it, saying "you don't know her," and shit like "we're soulmates." Fucking idiot. Russel, if you're reading this, you're a dumbass.
MBII: Well damn, that sucks. Sorry to hear.
SlaughterKnife: Eh, I think he learned a valuable lesson. That lesson being, your friends don't want your money, so you should listen to them when they try to warn you about fucking landmines. That, and your hearts a fucking liar.
MBII: Whether your heart's lying or not, it's nearly impossible to not listen to it.
SlaughterKnife: Not really, once you see the pattern.. you learn to say nope.
MBII: Well apparently I haven't learned yet.
SlaughterKnife: Well learn to stop worrying, and love cynicism.
MBII: Yeah that's not happening
SlaughterKnife: Saying that is two steps prior to the next step where you realize that only a very tiny percentage of people ever achieve their dreams. A few steps after that, people you love start dying, and then they start dying around your age. It's coming for you, it's gonna happen, you're not special. Best prepare mentally for it, because it's no cakewalk. The real solution is to just be happy in the now, do whatever the fuck you want all the time, and tell your heart to fuckoff when it wants to chain you down.
MBII: You say all these things as if there's a button I can press to make them happen. If I could stop caring I would have done it a while ago.
SlaughterKnife: Eh, just do it. Nike. Swoosh.
| 16 | 54.4375 | |
1412114717 | 1412132901 | t3_2hxku8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | periperiprick: TIFU by not washing my hands
I was browsing reddit as I do and got an unexpected, though not unwelcome, boner as my frontpage seemed particularly saucy this evening.
I'm already lying in bed, keen to get my head down so I waste no time in grabbing some tissue and going to town. I was surprisingly efficient considering that I was going by mostly my imagination and had finished within a few short minutes of the idea popping into my head.
As I lie there, content, and thinking about a shower, my urethra starts to have a bizarre sensation. I start to worry a bit about my ejaculate giving me irritation, and start pondering the possibilities of an STD (maybe my girlfriend is cheating on me!?) kind of stupid thoughts, when I realise that the grilled half chicken I'd got from the place round the corner about an hour before - extra spicy of course, is probably leaving tiny spicy particles in my pecker.
I had torn this chicken to shreds with my hands, the only way to eat it of course, and just wiped my hands with the paper towel before chilling on my bed with a bit of reddit.
By now this bizarre sensation is full-blown burning, and a shower has not helped the situation in fact I'm pretty sure it's just spread it around, or rather *further inside* somehow... (the shower gel, it does nothing!)
I'm lying back in bed now with a burning penis, and not feeling too proud that my first TIFU is in fact, a masturbation story (sorry!)
**TL;DR: Ate spicy chicken, masturbated, urethra in fiery pain. :(**
quietanatomygirl: Try applying milk maybe (to the outside)? (I don't actually know if this will work, because female, but it's worth a shot)
_You_Cant_Trust_Me_: What she said. Stick your dick in milk.
| 3 | 3 | |
1412117276 | 1412117932 | t3_2hxpez | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving the bass boost switch activated on my monitoring speakers
the_dinks: Hi D00p3r, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU by leaving the bass boost switch activated on my monitoring speakers* has been removed because it violates RULE 2: "Posts without context will be removed. Tell us the full story." Please feel free to resubmit your story after fleshing out your tale a bit..
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
the_dinks: I personally would like to hear this story, so pm me if you re-submit :)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409746053 | 1409758968 | t3_2fclrd | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by wetting my bed.
I'm 20. In college, in a dorm, with a roommate. The roommate sleeps less than 6 feet away from me.
I woke up with this wetness around my crotch, which I thought "hey, that's weird."
At first I thought it was sweat (I do sweat a lot down there) but then I checked my bed, and there it is. A small circle piss stain. AND I JUST CHANGED THE SHEETS.
I think the worst part is that I rarely ever wet my bed as a kid. I remember the times I did, and the last time I did wet my bed was when I was 9 or 10.
This is a whole other degree of embarrassing. The only nice thing is that my roommate didnt find out (yet). So now I'm a nervous wreck. I hate myself already enough, but then fate decides "Hey, let's fuck with Waldoz53 today!"
"How? His life can't possibly be shitty enough."
"No, let's make him WET HIS BED."
Yeah. Wonderful. If I never have to step outside this dorm again I won't.
Limlamb: >his life can't possibly be shitty enough
You could have shit the bed
Clarrington: Been there, done that. (was about 13, had gastro, sharted at least five times before I knew what was happening)
It's worse. It's *SO MUCH WORSE*.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410199880 | 1410207048 | t3_2fttut | t5_2to41 | 418 | myredass: TIFU by fucking the hell out of my husband's face with my ass
I am one of those rare women who have anal orgasms in addition to clitoral orgasms. (I almost never have vaginal orgasms, so yay for anal.)
Anyway, he was tongue fucking my ass and I was enjoying it sooo much. Too much. I fucked his face with my ass for probably a half hour straight without stopping or slowing, feeling the edges of orgasm but never quite getting there. The closer I got the more he stroked himself while I sat on his face, til eventually he shot all over himself and me. I was incredibly horny and this almost put me over the edge... But not quite. I finally stopped, switched to a 69 and came on his face from the other direction.
I could feel that my ass cheeks and my hole had become quite tender, but I can never tell how worn out I really am until the excitement dies down. When I was calm again, I felt like I'd been ass fucked by a cactus. My husband had just recently shaved, but not scrupulously and I was rubbing HARD for a long time. I couldn't walk. He said my ass was so red it looked like he'd been beating me. I went into the bathroom to look at my ass with a hand mirror, not believing that it wasn't bleeding.
I got on all fours and stuck my ass up in the air so he could ice it down in front of a fan, then he put aloe on it. I screamed through most of that. I tried to sleep but was constantly woken up by my sore ass. This morning it's better, but still very red and sore and I'm still walking very gingerly. Sitting hurts.
TL; DR: in search of an orgasm I fucked my husband's stubbly face so hard with my ass that I rubbed my ass raw, now having difficulty walking and sitting.
BigBobsBootyBarn: A good ol' fashioned tongue punching the fart box story.
I always try to be careful about stubble when I'm going down on my girl, but face-sitting seems to negate all efforts at that. Either have him grow it out or shave minutes before.
telijah: The answer is *always* grow it out... I am not allowed to shave my face for the foreseeable future. I currently look like a walk on to the set of Vikings now. My gf says it's like sitting on a pillow... with a tongue.
BigBobsBootyBarn: I have to keep mine trimmed on about a 3, but still gets the job done without discomfort. I'm all for pleasing my girl, but I can't look homeless while I do it!
telijah: I don't look homeless, but it's longer than most guards on the trimmers you find. I work in a fairly professional place as well, so I cant let it go all hippy on me.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Sorry, wasn't implying you look homeless, was referring to what I look like without a weeks worth of shaving. Still, +1 for the hippy comment.
| 6 | 69.666667 | |
1409745742 | 1409797783 | t3_2fclfc | t5_2to41 | 140 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my fiancée that I am not sure about the marriage, four days before the day
This happened yesterday. We got into an argument, and I told her that I'm not 100% sure because she is passive aggressive sometimes, and that of course hurt her a lot. Now she questions the whole thing, while I am more certain than before. We're both in our 30's, living together for about six years now, and we're really happy together, but now that the day approaches, we seem to fight more than before.
I really fear that I irreversibly destroyed something, hence TIFU.
Edit: typo
**Update:** She didn't cancel the wedding. And I realized that we're already living the life I want and that the wedding won't change that, which is good.
Thank you all for your kind words and advice, you really helped me today!
Round2VNichols: My ex boyfriend would threaten to break up with me every time we would have a disagreement. That gets old real fucking quick.
If I love someone and we're having a disagreement, I don't stop loving them. I can disagree with them and love them at the same time. If you make her feel like she has to be afraid of losing your love all the time, you'll either emotionally drain her or she'll leave you.
This could be entirely off the mark, but that's just what I got from the post. Don't use that in a fight. It implies that you're not too invested in the relationship.
_clever_nickname: Thank you, you're right!
The thing is, I really want to live with her and to marry her, but whenever we fight I get this "maybe I should leave her" feeling. I think this is really something I have to work on. :(
throwaway243907: I don't really think you're ready to get married if you feel like you should break up every time you fight.
mynameisalso: It is just wedding jitters. They didn't fight like this before the wedding got close.
throwaway243907: Where do you get that from? It sounds to me like he has always felt like this when they fight:
> It took me a long time to decide to ask her to marry me, because even when I was really happy, any fight would "reset" this happiness counter.
| 6 | 23.333333 | |
1412119371 | 1412215643 | t3_2hxt4g | t5_2to41 | 5 | MasterSt1CkY: TIFU By Peeing On The Carpet In My Bedroom
So this happened early Sunday morning. Well I've been in the field since September 11th. Well last weekend we were allowed to go on liberty for 24hrs. Well I get dropped off at the barracks Saturday at 1620 and my wife picks me up. We get home and we do our thing. Eat dinner put kids to bed then she hands me a 40 that she specially picked up for me. We head up stairs cuddle in bed and watch tv. I finish the beer and we do our thing again. I roll over and immediately fall asleep. Next thing I know I wake up and hear my wife saying "MasterSt1CkY your not in the bathroom" I come to and I'm standing in the dark By the wall pissing on the ground. I have No idea why this happened.
So that's it. I fucked up.
Cianistarle: You should at least aim for a plant. I mean...gheesh.
MasterSt1CkY: Haha I was pissing/sleep walking.
Elisimato: *Woosh.*
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409747450 | 1409754860 | t3_2fcnfh | t5_2to41 | 5 | ControI: TIFU by Eating at WhiteCastle
So early this morning my Mother and I decided to go shopping in Michigan as we are from Ontario, Canada and we usually hear about the good prices and clothes in the States so we decided to make a day of it.
After the early morning and afternoon of shopping we got hungry and decided to find a place to eat. I've always wanted to eat at WhiteCastle after watching "Harold and Kumar." Well lets just say the experience was God AWFUL.
It was obvious from the moment we walked in, it seemed like a ghost town in there and we soon found out why. Right from the start it was obvious the cashier didnt care for his job or didnt care to listen as we ordered two #1 combos and we asked for them plain with just cheese nothing else. He asked for a name to put on the order and we gave him one, only to hear him read it back completely wrong but whatever what could a name do so we left it.
After recieving our order we get our drinks and sit down for a feast of the century, only to find out when we pull out the burgers we get everything on them including pickles, onions, ect... So we brought our order back to the counter only to have the cashier complain that we didnt specify what a plain cheeseburger meant. Luckily the cook understood and made us some "Fresh" hanburgers. So he gave us another set of burgers free and told us to keep the others, even though we wont eat them. Take out the 2nd set only to see what looked like mush between two soggy buns. My Mom was scared and saying it wasnt even beef patties. It looked terrifing, I'm not sure what beef standards are in the States to Canada but oh boy was that some of the nastiest burgers I've ever seen in my life I wanted to throw up so bad. Not sure what they were we left the food on the table and took our fries and got a quick refill of our drinks and walked out 12 bucks down the drain.
AdmiralLobstero: That's not a fuck up, that is White Castle. You cooky Canadians with your Tim Horntons and healthy food. If you fucked up at all, it was by looking at the menu and thinking that was what you were going to get.
ControI: Harold and Kumar made it look delicious, the burgers looked nothing like they did in the movie and not even close to the menu TBH.
AdmiralLobstero: Haha, I know, that's the magic of White Castle. As soon as you said "mush" and "soggy bun", those are the first things I think of when I think about White Castle.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412119343 | 1412157712 | t3_2hxt2y | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving the bass boost switch activated on my monitoring speakers
I am a music tech student/small time producer. I do work for myself, small bands, and whatever I can get for experience.
On the back of my monitors (speakers) there is a Bass Boost switch and as any producer will tell you, you shouldn't have it on while mixing as you will get a distorted field of frequencies (bass will be mixed to quietly).
I switch it on occasionally if I have some friends over and we listen to some tunes, but it is essential that I turn it off as soon as we are done as it is on the back and I can easily forget about it.
I was moving my studio setup around this evening and to my horror I noticed that it was switched on still. I must have accidentally left it switched on a couple months ago and forgot about it. Normally it might not be that bad cause its only my work I messed up and that's fine but in the past couple months I have done 2 tracks for a band that approached me a while ago who trusted I was able and wanted to pay me (not a whole lot but a lot for a n00b). I listened to the tracks with the bass boost turned off all the way and they are fucked to the point of it being quicker for me to restart.
I am meeting up with them in 3 days so they can have a listen to what I did to decide if they want me working with them to finish the album.
TL;DR I mixed 2 tracks badly for a band who paid me and I have 3 days to fix it.
UPDATE #1: I contacted the band and they were glad that I told them. I said I'd have the work done ASAP. I was talking to one of the audio technicians at my colleges studio and I mentioned it and they said they would give me a hand (or better said an ear) so it should all be fine and no one is mad :)
TheReverendWillyG: so you didn't check your mix on anything else???????? you should start doing that
Evaaaan: First rule of mo downs, that and A/Bing the mix, should've listened to another professionally released track on your speakers and you would've realised that the bass boost was on.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1412120191 | 1412143554 | t3_2hxui0 | t5_2to41 | 13 | JustAMomentofYerTime: TIFU by having a threesome with my friend's sister and roommate [NSFW]
My first TIFU, so here-goes.
Up until Saturday night, My university homecoming was a pretty sober weekend for me. My housemates decided to host a party, and hosting a party usually keeps me sober and on-edge. That evening, however, some of my coworkers (all of us close friends) invited me to a pre-drink and were later going to head out to another's house for a big house party. I get to the pre-drink and two of my coworkers, A (who I've known for a few years prior) and B (whom I previously dated) are there, and A's sister who is visiting for the weekend. The sister is younger than all of us and I'm the eldest by a couple of years. We're all in our early to mid 20s while the sister is 18. More of our team shows up, and it gets to the point where we're all getting along and head out with some housemates in tow.
'A' has a bit too much to drink throughout the night and gets walked home by another friend, leaving her housemate and sister at the party with the rest of us. Sister starts getting cuddly with me but I try to brush it off as just her being cute to her older sister's friend. Later that night, the housemate starts doing the same. I guess I found it to be a little more appropriate since we're closer in age, so I spent a little more time with her throughout the night. As the party dies down, the two of them decide to head home and invite me to walk back with them.
Heading down an unlit path, we spot a shooting star and the three of us find an open meadow, lie down on the grass, and do a bit of star-gazing while I tell them stories of how the constellations came to be.
--Here is where the fuck-up happens--
The two of them start to cuddle up to me, the roommate guides my right hand where she pleases, the sister starts nibbling on my left earlobe, and, before I know it, I'm deep into a threesome with little inhibition and even less forethought. My conscience told me that it wasn't a smart choice, but the part of me that had to deal with what was happening right away just said "Ah, screw it" and so I did.
I spoke to the sister a few days ago and we both agreed to never speak of the night outside of the two of us. However, I was never able to get in contact with the roommate. I fear that the roommate will let it spill about what happened. I figure that A will never speak to me again. I'm also afraid that I'll have screwed up the good friendship I have with my other coworkers, many of whom I've known for longer than we've been working together.
bullshque: Wait until it turns out they are both pregnant by you (assuming you had no condoms in the middle of the field) then post on tifu.
JustAMomentofYerTime: Dude. Don't even joke about that.
bullshque: So no condom then. You poor bastard.
g0ldbar: Yup, dude is fucked, hope your job pays well, double child support is gonna drain your funds, hope you like having roommates. Just don't get a female roommate, might get her pregnant too...
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1411884327 | 1411900651 | t3_2hofuo | t5_2to41 | 22 | reibekuchen: TIFU by storing a bottle beneath my car's driver seat
So, this just happened.
I went to the store to buy some water, back at my car I stored the bottle beneath my driver seat (well, rather between my feet and my seat).
After a short 5-min drive I arrived at my rather long driveway which is downhill...so as I was approaching the garage, the water bottle slipped between the seat and rolled under my brake pedal so I wasn't able to make a full-stop and slammed my car in the garage door...
TL;DR: water bottle rolled under brake pedal, couldnt brake and slammed into my garage door.
oreomon: Have you not seen Final Destination?!
reibekuchen: Unfortunately not, is there such scene?
And I'm glad it was just the garage door, could be worse!
anothererror: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfDLkem6iEs&t=3m20s here's the exact part of the scene where it happens. Final Destination 2 is the movie it happens in, near the beginning.
reibekuchen: wow, this is exactly what happened! thanks for sharing
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1409749718 | 1409894806 | t3_2fcqb2 | t5_2to41 | 124 | Dallinaway_throw: TIFU By having phone sex on the house phone... [NSFW]
This is technically an older story, but I just found this subreddit, and haven't had a proper opportunity to tell about this horrifying experience.
So, I'm sure you can see where this is going, but I'll tell it anyways.
I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone, so I used the house phone to talk to my girlfriend all the time. And, we were still in a *puppy dog love* sort of stage, so I snuck the cordless phone in to my room to talk for hours all night. This happened basically every night, where neither of us wanted to say goodbye first and what not. One night we were feeling attracted to each other('s voices?) that we started talking about like sexual fantasies and what we'd like to do to each other.
"What if we were making out, and my hands started to wander..." and "I'm feeling of myself right now." things like that started escalating to the point the she was moaning loudly in a really sexy way like she was almost at orgasm.
Just then I hear a strange tone and small noises on the other line. I whisper to my girlfriend "Wait wait wait. I think I heard something on the other phone" like i said she was almost at orgasm and her mind was obviously pre-occupied and she *can't stop* so she says like "Oh baby, yeah, I'm almost there!"
I wasn't sure actually sure I heard something so I was listening carefully when all of a sudden I hear my dad's voice "HELLO?" "WHO'S THERE?" she screams and everyone hangs up.
OH fuckfuckfuck christ no. This sucks; I'm dead... I would like to pause to add that I come from a devout Mormon family, and pre-marital chastity is taken pretty seriously...
Anyways... I had a very shameful conversation (while i was naked and wrapped in a blanket) with my dad. I'm 18 but was treated like a kid after this. He immediately trashed the house phone.
**EDIT**: If you're commenting just to be prejudiced to an entire religious population, be my guest I'm more than used to it. Also: Please don't use this story as your basis of how Mormon people are, because I'm not the best example.
**EDIT 2** I feel so dumb. That pretty much sums up the comment section.
ckiertz4887: It's customary for Mormon children to get naked and wrap themselves in a blanket when addressing their parents.
Ah_Q: No, that only happens in the temple.
Only half joking.
Dallinaway_throw: Haha what now? pretty sure we don't wrap blankets around ourselves or be naked or address our parents (unless you count God, you know.) in the temple.
Ah_Q: I was referring to the pre-2005 [initiatory ordinance](http://www.ldsendowment.org/initiatory.html).
Initiates basically wore nothing but a blanket (called a "shield"), with the sides cut out, and were completely naked underneath. Certain body parts were then ritually anointed with water and oil.
So you didn't have to address your parents, but you were wrapped in a blanket while naked.
Source: Went through temple before 2005.
Dallinaway_throw: Unless you have been baptized and received a temple recommend then you haven't been through a sealed temple. you're saying you're a member then? great! Then you know that things like that are falsified all the time. I bet you won't find anything about that on an official church website (E.g [this](http://www.mormon.org/searchresults#?query=initiatory%20ordinance&filter=site), or [this](https://www.lds.org/search?lang=eng&query=initiatory+ordinance) These are search results for "initiatory ordinance"
xyandro: I'm another ex-Mormon and can confirm the shield and touching part.
The official Mormon church website leaves out a LOT of things.
Dallinaway_throw: Have you been through the ceremony? Because I'm a CURRENT member. My entire family are member my grandfather volunteers at the D.C temple. Just to be sure I'm not lying to you I asked him what all this was about, and he says it's false anti Mormon material.
To be clear: He is a high priest, and would know/ be involved with a ceremony like this.
Who am I to believe? Though I've only been to the temple a handful of times this is the first time im hearing about this. I've sat through many lessons about the happenings in the temple.
missbteh: The denial is strong with you. Maybe open your mind and do some research that isn't asking other members?
Dallinaway_throw: Once one gets defensive its hard as hell to slow down.
missbteh: Super true! But putting down defensiveness and hearing what people are trying to tell you (in any situation), and waiting to name judgement until after you have listened and contemplated/researched is rewarding, no?
Dallinaway_throw: I guess that depends on how you receive it.
But, come on what about the person who just claimed the temple workers threatened to cut out his throat and disembowel him. There's no way that isn't completely blown out of proportion. You gotta admit, i had a target painted on my head from before any of these comments started.
missbteh: You painted the target, dude. The whole church did. Wear it proudly if you believe, but there are facts (FACTS!) that really don't jive with what the church teaches.
That's why I left. I stopped plugging my ears and justifying that things were blown out of proportion. When I put down my defenses I realized that it couldn't be the true church. And it hurt. And I flip flopped. But at the end of the day it just doesn't work.
Dallinaway_throw: So you're an atheist, then?
Or is it the hypocrisy of man?
Or is it the Book of Mormon?
For you personally. Because I'm curious.
missbteh: All of the above? The money hungry, sexist, racist, homophobic practices of a church started by a crook. The more you know the less there is to like about the church.
Dallinaway_throw: The world is full of corruption. A church is never an exception. I still identify as LDS because I believe in the doctrine in it's simplest form. The doctrine which I feel to be irrevocably independent of mortal man.
...Its all i got, honestly. I don't want to go on existing blindly. I would probably just end it now if I believed life sucks and then you die.
Its always in the back of my head somewhere that maybe there really is nothing else out there, but wouldn't it be great if there were? What if I make it to the end and am, at long last, welcomed into the gates of paradise.
Or if not, and everything just goes blank and my entirety becomes another part of the world. Well.. What did I lose by holding unjustified faith during my life? Nothing. I came from nothing and went right back to nothingness. My course is complete either way.
Do you mind if we shake hands now, and part ways?
missbteh: Well, the church controls your life. It takes money for profit. It will teach your daughters some pretty ducked up things about their bodies and their roll in the world. It hampers your ability to enjoy the world without shame. It supports shaming others for the way they were born. Why would you support that?
The doctrine is incredibly false. Have you looked at the CES letter? It's at some points directly plagiarized. The book of Abraham? Totally made up. A translation of nothing. Don't cling to that.
I urge you to check into these things and I bear testimony that they are 100% true. Seeing the truth will make you want to leave the church no matter what version of eternity replaces the Mormon one.
| 17 | 7.294118 | |
1409749613 | 1409830414 | t3_2fcq6a | t5_2to41 | 451 | MythTestament: TIFU by asking my 3 year old daughter to go to the store by herself.
Before the insanity of "What kind of parent are you?" floods my inbox, first I had been awake all of 10 minutes. My daughter comes running into the living room where I am counting change. In my sleep induced coma like state I ask her if she will go to the store and get me something to drink. If anyone else in the house had asked her she would have played coy and said no. But instead Daddy asked so she was more than happy to go. She got her shoes on, came back in and said "I go to store now dada, need monies." Now I have to let her down gently and tell her she is not going to the store (15 blocks away) by herself
EDIT: Dear daughter was thrilled to be able to go to the store, she just didn't end up going with me. She was beaming with pride when her and her mom walked out of the house. "Don't worry dada, we get you a drink now."
Sypher0110: Whilst cute definitely not a TIFU
MythTestament: You say that now, want to babysit?
Sypher0110: No thanks lol
lovelimadness: Wife here to assure you that you made the correct decision and dodged a bullet. She and her siblings managed to convince the babysitter that the 3 year old shit on the floor. Fun times
Sypher0110: Thats excellent, I have a brother and when we got babysat our favourite game was for one of us to distract the babysitter outside and then the other would run around the house and lock all the doors, and this was before mobile phones, my mum arrived home from work one day and found her crying outside whilst I had my face pressed up againt a window blowing rasberries.
lovelimadness: I was never babysat as a child but that sounds like something me and my cousins would have done if ever given the opportunity. I'll admit, I'm curious to see the kind of schemes they come up with as they get older and manage to get their little brother (who is only a month old currently) involved. It's a scary proposition.
| 7 | 64.428571 | |
1409751690 | 1409783827 | t3_2fct6e | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking eight cans of RedBull
A few years back I had to travel for London for business reasons and to be on time for the coach we had to be up at 5am. This isn't something I was accustomed to but it was promising to be a great trip, so I was looking forward to it nonetheless.
By the time the afternoon came around I began to waver somewhat, so I thought energy drinks would be the perfect answer to this problem. I had anticipated my exhaustion by bringing a couple of cans of Redbull along with me, so I sipped them for the rest of the day.
Eventually work was done with, so my colleagues and I decided to head to the pub while we awaited the coach home. The boss was buying and got a few rounds of vodka and Redbull in.
Upon returning home at around midnight I decided to take advantage of the coach dropping us off in the city centre to meet with some friends at the local metal club. I was buzzing by this time and since all the Redbull had done such a good job and I wanted to remain on a high, I opted to getting a couple more cans of Redbull so I could dance until 3am.
The next morning, my mother called my home phone.
"Hi honey, what are you up to today?" She said.
"Hi, I....." I suddenly burst into tears and began sobbing uncontrollably.
"What's the matter?!"
"I don't knowwwwwww" I wailed. "I feel like I'm in a hollllllle" I could barely breathe in between sobs. I just felt SO FUCKING DEPRESSED.
What's worse is that I discovered I'm apparently pretty sensitive to caffeine anyway, due to barely ever having fizzy drinks and having a dislike for coffee. The crash hit me BIG TIME.
To this day I still refer to that time as The Great Comedown of 2010. Never forget.
Moral of the story: Redbull is worse than cocaine.
DeathAndRebirth: how did you not shit your pants from that much caffeine
alexmikli: Caffeine doesn't actually make you poop more but it does make you feel like you have to, which is why you constantly go to the bathroom at work and nothing comes out.
1uncomfortabletruth: i thought i was going in there for reddit time
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1409750930 | 1409783967 | t3_2fcs00 | t5_2to41 | 32 | Trust_No_1_: TIFU by drinking too much alcohol
This happened on Boxing Day. I was at my ex-girlfriend's sister's house for a Christmas party and the guys there all got together as they do and start drinking. I'm naturally the shy type so I reluctantly hang out with them drinking to make my ex-gf happy, trying to be part of the family.
As I'm drinking I loosen up having a good time and they keep pouring me drinks. It was Jim Beam self mixed with Coke. Up to a point I couldn't pour my own drinks so the guys were pouring it and I was getting funnier and funnier because once I'm drunk I come out of my shell and do/say the funniest shit.
By the time it was time to go I had finished 1 750ml bottle of Jim Beam, and half the next 750ml. I don't remember the party but I do remember getting into the car.
I remember bits and pieces of what happened next but had to be told all the gory details...
When we got home I couldn't get out of the car by myself. My ex was trying to help me and I ended up hitting her in the head. She's by no means a pussy so she hit me back and dragged me inside with the help of her mum. They got me into bed and I was asleep and then it happened... I was on my back and volcano vomited everywhere.
I ruined my ex-gf's mattress and her and her mum dragged me into the bathroom and put me in the bath. I was naked, vomiting and trying to hit everyone.
Not my best moment....
tl;dr I drank too much, became a human volcano, ended up naked in the bath in front of ex-gfs mum.
Yaka95: Remember this: There is no such thing as "too much alcohol".
grimmy97: Death by alcohol isn't too much?
gabrieltan_: Depends, are you Irish?
grimmy97: Not far off only accros the small pond (U.K)
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1409772685 | 1409777486 | t3_2fcve6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: > It may be in the right sub*...
FTFY
[deleted]: Info on your controller...
FTFY
http://www.xboxachievements.com/forum/showthread.php?t=353074
[deleted]: LOL, jokes on you. I've already contacted Xbox and I'm now using a spare and if you would have looked through the thread, you would know what the cause is. Nice try.
[deleted]: I'm actually happy for you. I've grown to like you through today's conversation. You've got kids and you're in school... I commend that. Not easy to do.
[deleted]: Seems like you haven't grown at all, searching for GI Joe and you're 35. You've got to grow up sometime.
[deleted]: LOL, it was actually for a friends birthday who was born in 1974. Making one of those "in the year 1974" posters.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1409754510 | 1409802589 | t3_2fcxht | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally committing a hate crime
OK so here we go. I go to school and just started Y11 so I'm 16. I know too young for reddit. Anyway, today was our first lesson of Performing Arts with a new teacher. He was Australian.
One point in the lesson we had to go in groups and act out small skits. The skits had to follow a format of having one item, one location and one animal. These three aspects that had to be in the skit where decided by the teacher/prof. himself. Our group was the last one to go. The three key words we got where; lipstick, anaconda and mars. We were given a few minutes to think up what was going to happen before performing. Someone though it would be funny if it was set in a bar on the planet mars (a play on words on the popular candy called "mars bar") Now for those of you who don't know a Mars bar is a gay bar. None of us in the group knew that therefor the catastrophe could take place.
First you must know that this play is the most unfunny thing ever, and I'm very aware of that. Unfortunately my character was a man trying to hit on a woman. I had to pretend to put makeup on and try to hit on someone by using lines such as and I quote: "What is a woman like you doing in a MARS BAR" and "is that a anaconda in my pocket or am i just happy to see you" Also my character was also a complete looser. Then someone had the bright idea to make me have the most flamboyant walk ever. By the end my character was a crude stereotype of a homosexual. This din't cross my mind at all until we finished our crap performance. I looked at the teacher that had a cringe smile on. He commented on the play in general, how loud our voice should be and stage position. When then he said something ; " Yeah , in Australia Mars Bars are something else" At this point my skin crawled and my eyes opened what he said next made me realize the colossal size of my fuck up. "But you know if someone into that type of thing" At this I realized what i had just done and buried my face in a stare of comatose. Which he then made worst by clarifying to everyone and hammering the final nail to my metaphorical coffin that a mars bar was in fact a gay bar. Some may not think this is a fuck up. Please convince me
Tl:dr In drama class I played a stereotype without knowing
Edit: Paragraphs matter.
Trust_No_1_: Well I'm Australian and never heard that. Googling found it's some gay bar in one tiny city that no one cares about.
Clarrington: Hey, Adelaide is still a capital!
At least it's not Whyalla. Or Darwin.
Trust_No_1_: Heh I've been to Adelaide and the only good thing is the roads, so smooth compared to Melbourne.
joshshat: That would be the lube.
Trust_No_1_: I feel dirty now.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1409754719 | 1409813852 | t3_2fcxtd | t5_2to41 | 98 | [deleted]: TIFU by flashing my coach
So since summer is still here, the swim team is doing some dry land training outside. I had forgotten we were doing this today so I ended up having to do our dry land training in jeans and a t shirt. It fucking sucked, and it was hot. But that's not the real fuck up.
So the coach tell us to run around the track a few times and I take off. She's encouraging us as we pass by but after a couple passes I notice my coach (who is a woman,) doesn't encourage me but rather is looking away. I think "that's odd, but ok I guess." As I come to the end of the track I notice a middle aged woman looking at me funny and I'm thinking "what is going on?" I pass two of the girls and a few steps beyond them I feel a breeze on a certain area of my body. I look down, horrified to see that my fly is wide open and my dick is hanging out the front of my jeans flopping away as I'm running.
I have no idea how I didn't notice this before. I zipped up, kept running and didn't say anything. So far no one has said anything to me about it.... and I'm kind of hoping to not have to have that awkward conversation.
[deleted]: Do you not wear underpants?
theshotgunhobo: underpants are for the weak
XDSHENANNIGANZ: I believe in panties.
| 4 | 24.5 | |
1409756880 | 1409771530 | t3_2fd1hi | t5_2to41 | 284 | freshboyardee: TIFU by also letting my boyfriend finger me.
Recently, I was at my boyfriend's house. He was telling me about these hot ghost pepper wings he had earlier and wanted me to try them. I'm kind of a wimp and told him to shove off. I hopped in the shower and he was eating his leftover wings (only one had the ghost pepper sauce, the rest we're just regular spicy wings) and told me to try the ghost pepper wing again. I told him to just put some of the sauce on his finger and I'd lick it off. He did, I tried it, it was awful and I demanded a glass of milk. After the milk soothed the pain, and after a sexy shower/milk shower photo shoot, he was so turned on that when I got out of the shower he was naked and ready to go. So we start making out and he starts touching me, I start touching him and he starts fingering me. It felt real warm, like the fire and ice lube or something. Then It started burning. It felt like I had just put jalapeño juice in my vag. I tell him to stop and get back in the shower trying wash it out, mood was killed, we laid there naked while I yelled at him for not washing his fucking hands after handling FUCKING GHOST PEPPER SAUCE!
tldr; boyfriend fingered me with ghost pepper sauce on his fingers.
LickedThatBitch: Should have poured the milk in that vag.
shinydragonite: [Mmm milky vag.](http://i.imgur.com/veDLZc6.gif)
theartofrolling: Risky click of the day!!
therealpeej3: In class, tempted but I wont.
AndFallAsWell: Its ok. Its just squirtles
shinydragonite: And a wartortle, yo.
| 7 | 40.571429 | |
1409755912 | 1409878760 | t3_2fczs2 | t5_2to41 | 299 | [deleted]: TIFU by blasting a teacher with a deadly fart
First, please note that I am a female and that the mere admittance that I pass gas is an unbelievable and extremely embarrassing notion to me. Sometimes I'd rather just pretend it doesn't ever happen. It's almost like a gas-related mental illness, I do not want to believe it even exists and am therefore still in the denial stage.
Fast forward to this last week. I had spent a good amount of time getting myself ready for my weekly piano class. I had noticed that earlier in the day my tummy had the rumblies. I tried not to think anything of it, pretending instead that my body was the definition of humble and would never try to purposefully embarrass me. After coaxing myself through the continual rumblies, I made my way to class.
This classroom was only filled with a handful of students (8 maximum, including myself and the professor). Normally, the professor has us all playing chords and notes at the same time- and therefore no one really hears what the other people are doing. The rumblies kept happening: each time they occurred, I'd flex my stomach to try and suppress whatever beast dwelled within. After sneakily looking around the room, I realized no one else was hearing this sound coming from me- so I began to worry about it less.
And here is where the fuck up happened. I felt a pressure in my stomach, which was the tell-tale sign of impending gas. Normally, I'm able to pass gas quietly- and therefore sneakily. The piano professor was instructing everyone to play at the same time, and the noise was too loud to hear anything but the loudest of farts. I breathed a sigh of relief, and proceeded to let out a carefully conceived gas-bubble. Not wanting to have the accidental "gas cannon" go off (which is what I call it when you try to fart quickly and it makes an audible BOOM sound in your underwear region) I tried to stealthily let out a continuous slow stream of gas that was quiet. It took perseverance, as the piano seat squishes your ass cheeks and makes this hard. But I was determined.
As soon as I had finished, I noticed the smell. I panicked for a moment, but then realized that you really couldn't tell in this room where the smell had originated. It was bad. Like rotten-eggs dipped in more rotten-eggs topped with rotten-eggs kind of bad. That smell. That kind of smelly smell that smells... smelly. It was at this exact moment that the professor announced that he would be coming around behind us, one by one, to listen to us play. I was the first student he approached.
He dropped his headphones, then bent down directly under my ass so that he could plug his headphones directly into the piano and hear my work alone. A moment of realization passed his face and his eyes met mine in helpless terror. I got goosebumps, actually, from the sheer terror I saw on this mans face. He quickly got up, coughed, then said "good job" as if he had heard my playing, and walked on to the next student.
I still have 10+ weeks of this class.
This grown man knows of my horrendous gas.
I have shamed my family.
TL;DR tried to be sneaky about a fart, piano professor stuck his face right in my stink-bubble. Much shame.
bjokey: >my tummy had the rumblies
Who even says that IRL?
Shinybobblehead: *Caaarrrrrrllllllll*
50_Trails_Of_Snails: Someone please explain this to me.
Nottan_Asian: [Here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZUPCB9533Y)
50_Trails_Of_Snails: Ah! I've seen that before. How does "Who even says that IRL?" have to do with that though?
Shinybobblehead: I was playing off the "my tummy had the rumblies", which reminded me of when Carl says "my stomach was making the rumblies, that only hands could satisfy".
50_Trails_Of_Snails: Ohhhhhhhh I get it! Thanks :D
| 8 | 37.375 | |
1409755680 | 1409792754 | t3_2fczd3 | t5_2to41 | 42 | Michael_Garry_Scott: TIFU by buying some sex toys
So yesterday I had handcuffs on me, all because I wanted to masturbate.
Let me start with this. I never tried any sex toys in my life, until yesterday. I felt especially horny, and remembered all the stories of guys here on reddit saying how magical a prostate orgasm was, so it was decided right there and then, I'm getting me some prostate massager TONIGHT. My curiosity drove me all the way to the sex shop. I picked a massager (and a rubber vagina, and lube, this was going to be the peak of my masturbational career), and started heading back.
Now, where do you go to stick a massager up your asshole, and stroke it with a rubber vagina at the same time, if you can't do it at home?
If you do in some plaza in the corner, you're running a risk of not just getting caught, but being tagged as public masturbator, or pervert, or some other messed up thing. I wasn't planning to be tagged by police as a parking lot perv.
So, in my moment of brilliance, I decide it's best to head north where the field are. Not a single person there, no chance of getting caught.
I'm there, besides me are just fields. Light pollution isn't as bad, so many more stars are shining. It's beautiful.
I pull out a small joint I had with me. Spark it up, life is good. I'm stoned, and about to penetrate my male G spot.
Suddenly I hear a car coming. I'm thinking "what are the chances that somebody takes this road now? Wow". But I'm not bothered. What is some stranger going to stop and me what I'm doing?
That's where it begins. The car, turns out to be a lady cop. She asks me what in a doing there?
I'm stoned out of my fucking mind.
I tell her I just stopped here because I was texting and didn't wanna text and drive. As soon as she comes up to me, the smell hits her in the face like the light of Jesus's second coming.
She starts pressing on me, asking me a million questions. Considering the situation that I was in, with an anus penetratory device on my passenger seat, I knew that I'm fucked sideways.
So I tell her the real story, that I came here to test some new sex you. (I have no idea how she didn't just burst out laughing in my face there).
But she not letting me off, instead she calls for 2 more cops. I am now being questioned by 3 cops, as to why I'm in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, with a smell of weed surrounding me like an aura. They find out the real story too.
Thing is, there's nothing on me, that small j is all I had. They search the whole car, while I keep repeating that I got nothing.
I'm handcuffs now, because they found a j nearby, but that's not mine! Obviously.
This story got too long, in the end they didn't find anything on me, and I got released. I could not believe that just happened to me.
Moral of the story is, if you want some anal pleasures, do it behind a church or something.
Also, I bet all the cops in the area will hear about this.
P.S. I masturbated in a Walmart parking lot later. It was amazing. Both times.
Mind-Candy: Why couldn't you masterbate at home?
Michael_Garry_Scott: Family is at home. And the way my room is positioned, everyone can hear anything I'm doing here :/
adamdabadboy: You're a guy and you make sounds when you masturbate?
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1409759894 | 1409851406 | t3_2fd6ul | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by forgetting I was looking at porn
So I was sitting at home, rubbing one out per usual. I finally finish and I start getting ready for work. My baby cousin runs in and asks if he could use my phone. I say yes because I love his little ass. Next thing I hear is "Uh, what's this?" Fuuuuuck. Forgot to log out of my porn. I quickly grab the phone and he awkwardly leaves my room. Now I have to go through the garage to go to work from embarrassment. Maybe it's just time to move out.
tl;dr My cousin saw my porn. I'm a pervert.
PM_ME_UR_NUDE_VAG: That baby is smart to be able to ask what porn is and know that it's weird.
babynoxide: Does your username ever produce results?
PM_ME_UR_NUDE_VAG: Not yet. This account is pretty new though
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409760710 | 1409762969 | t3_2fd8ai | t5_2to41 | 5 | bloodedcat: TIFU by not finding out about the fappening an hour earlier
So this past Sunday a friend with benefits and I agree to a "no fap" pact until we see each other on Friday...
TL;DR Stop! Can't touch this. \**Cries*\*
LsDIsMyHoMeGuRL: itll be a quick engagement, thats forsure
bloodedcat: So fast that iCloud errors. "Video duration must be a positive number"
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409761702 | 1409786348 | t3_2fda1c | t5_2to41 | 3 | ThatHcDude: TIFU, by laughing of an handicap
I'm currently in my 3rd year of a design program. We have our own Facebook group for everyone of all years to post their artwork. A frist year had posted something really bad, worthy of a 4ear old drawing on a fridge.
I commented
"The sarcasm in this one is strong"
He is handicapped and in a wheelchair, and the whole programs hates me now.
minminminmin: Dont apologize. Maintain the position that the course isn't for handicapped persons, and that the only reason there is one is because of feel-good politics.
[deleted]: Art is for everyone, handicapped or not. Say it's bad all you want, that's fine, but they had a right to post if they chose to, don't be discriminatory. Just makes you look like an idiot.
As for OP, you didn't know, it was just a joke, I guess just make sure you know who they are before making comments! Sorry it turned out that way for you though, bro.
minminminmin: OP, look at this persons comment. Do you really want to apologize to this kind of people?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409761876 | 1409767447 | t3_2fdad5 | t5_2to41 | 12 | CREEP_CITY: TIFU by texting the girl I met at a bar.
This happened about a month ago. So my buddies and I decided to go out for some midweek drinks as we do every so often. Nothing really ever comes from it, but this time we met some girls and started chatting. I ended up getting one of the girls numbers and felt on top of the world. I woke up the next morning extremely hungover, remembering the events from last night I checked my phone for the girls number. Nothing. I gave up on the search through phone. Now from what I remembered this girl seemed amazing, definitely my type. I was pretty bummed when i figured i'd either imagined or she pretended to put her number in my phone. Flash forward to about a week ago. I was searching through my contacts for some reason and there she was first and last name. I wasn't too sure it was her, but a quick facebook check confirmed. I felt pretty bad for not contacting her and decided to make up a story to text her on why i did not. This is where the cringe begins. This is the conversation.
Me-In my hungover state, I sat there filled with sadness. Was last night real? Did I actually meet, what seemed to be someone whose spirit felt so free and was so refreshing to talk to in ************? I searched my contacts list, but it seemed there was no evidence such an encounter had taken place. Regrettably, I gave up that fateful morning in my haze filled search through the depths of my overcrowded contacts list. Flash forward to today and the unfortunate circumstances of life that require on to obtain currency to live on this planet, which is work, I decided I no longer needed a case on my unscuffed, mint condition S4. As I exited my vehicle in my cloudy stupor of morning, I forgot that I had laid my freshly naked phone on my lap and in what had seemed to be slow motion, watched it fall in much remorse to the ground. I picked up my freshly shattered communication device, hoping for some sort of life to be found. Alas, no inkling of light cam from the once nearly perfect screen. To be continued.....
Her-?
Her-Who is this?
Me- While transferring my contacts onto my outdated, last legged droid razor, I noticed someone I hadn't that morning. A number with not only a first, but last name also. So it seems I did not imagine that night, but just had convinced myself that what had taken place was merely just a drunken hallucination.
Didnt mean to creep you out with this. I believe I met you down at the ******* about a month ago. I though you had gave me your number but wasnt too sure the next morning lol. Just seen it in my contacts list. Looked up the name on Facebook and remembered getting your number that night. Sorry didnt mean to freak you out, was just trying to have some fun with it.
Me-This is **** ********correct?
Me-If this is you, my name is **** ****. It was good meeting you that night.
I didn't receive text back. Shocking i know. Couple days later im eating lunch downtown and as im finishing up guess who comes rolling in. Her and her friend sit down at the table next to mine and the very first thing they talked about was this creep who had texted her. I'm pretty sure she knew it was me and was talking extra loud just for me to hear her, and i honestly was too embarrassed to say anything. I booked it out of there and decided to text her once again.
Me-First off I want to apologize for the previous texts. I understand how they could come off as creepy and want you to know that wanst my intention. Honestly I was just trying to be funny and creative. But again I apologize for any discomfort or weirdness this has caused you. I was the guy in the blue polo who left shortly after you arrived at ****** * *****. In hindsight those texts were probably not appropriate. You dont have to worry, Im not some creep, just regular dude who made the wrong call in this situation.
Its been a week and she hasnt text back. Not that im really waiting for one, But some type of closure would be nice. Oh well, on to the next one.
TL;DR- Sent a girl a creepy made up story to explain why I didn't text her after getting her number at the bar.
Gibtohom: How about just texting hey nice to meet you the other night want to meet up for a drink again.
Your text messages were pretty creepy
CREEP_CITY: Felt bad for not texting her for three weeks. Wanted to make up a cool story to explain why. The cringe I've been feeling for the last week is overwhelming. Good advice.
Insecure_Batgirl: Please tell me you're not the real life Schmidt from New Girl.....
CREEP_CITY: I Fucking love that show.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1409765053 | 1409783767 | t3_2fdg67 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my supervisor my laptop. NSFW
So I was working with the photography department of my university on a sort of study abroad advertising project. I had met with several people from the department last year, and, after being abroad all summer, finally returned to transfer the photos and videos from my laptop to their computers.
Unfortunately, my class before the meeting ran late, and being the absentminded sort that I am, I forgot my laptop in my dorm room. Meaning, I had to sprint across campus and back in order to make the meeting on time.
This is where I start fucking up.
Usually, before giving my laptop to anyone, I clear the browsers and make sure it's presentable. Because I am a young adult male, and porn.
Now, unfortunately, a few days ago, several dozen celebrity nudes were leaked, and I had saved several of them.
You're thinking that the supervisor saw some nude JLaw, right?
Well, after having access to these photos for several days, I began to crave more exotic, hardcore material. Soft core can only last so long, you know?
Anyway, as he starts moving windows around to transfer the pictures, I see a window in the background that instantly makes my stomach sink. I won't go into too much detail about it, but it was the sort of depraved, embarrassing, downright silly pornography you'd find in the depths of 4chan. Time seemed to slow down as I realized my absentminded mistake. He quickly minimized the screen, but I'm certain we both saw it.
To make things better, the transfer is incredibly slow. I had to wait in the office for over twenty minutes as everything transferred. All we could do was make small talk about former professors I'd had, who happen to share the same office space as he does.
Once the transfer was up, I bolted out of the room, wishing only to crawl under a rock for the next year or so.
TLDR: I forgot I had embarrassing porn left up on my laptop behind the chrome window, supervisor saw it, had to wait 20 minutes before leaving.
ZombieNinjaJudo: I don't get why people think no one watches porn and if you get caught its bad.. Who cares.
BenjaminB_: This is "depths of 4chan" porn we're talking about here... It ain't no pornhub
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1409764233 | 1409781054 | t3_2fdemh | t5_2to41 | 80 | germybarner: TIFU by petting my cat
About three weeks ago I was laying in bed about to go to sleep with my girlfriend. It was about 2 AM so needless to say I was a little tired.
We have two cats, one is a black domestic short hair and the other is a seal point Siamese and its not unusual that the cats sleep in bed with us. Loki, the black one, normally sleeps on my chest or between us while Opal, the Siamese, sleeps at the end of the bed.
While we are laying there one of the cats jumps onto the bed and starts walking around and kneading as if about to lay down, so I reached out to pet him and slightly undershot his back and my middle finger damn near penetrated his hidey hole. Needless to say he was not happy, and I was brought back into a full conscious state with claws and teeth.
He still won't sleep in the bed.
TL;DR: going to sleep, wanted to pet my cat, fingered his ass, claws and teeth.
horneydude69: Lmao! Cat fingering at its best!
nighttarga: Ah, the [ol' reddit beastiality-a-roo](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/2fddke/iama_walgreens_photo_specialist_and_ive_seen_some/ck89pmn?context=3)
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1409768989 | 1409773446 | t3_2fdnfz | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally flashing someone.
This actually happened a few weeks ago. I was on the train on my way home, Whatsapping with my girlfriend, when all of a sudden a man sat down across from me. He looked... well.. a little.. different. He wore extremely baggy, black clothing decorated with big silver chains, he had long hair and lots of tattoos. I guess you could say he was a goth. So, I tell my girlfriend that I'm sitting opposite from this really weird looking dude and she asks me to discretely take a picture. Sure! Why not? I open Snapchat, carefully aim my camera - without being noticeable of course - and take the picture.
FLASH
Fuck. Flash was on. Fuck. Maybe he didn't notice? But the look on his face said enough. He stared at me with an expressionless face, but there was anger in his eyes. For a second I thought he would start yelling at me. Luckily he never did. He grabbed his bag - which was also covered with chains - and sat somewhere else, as far away from the dangerous flasher as possible. His chains made a lot of noise.
I felt so bad. Maybe I ruined his evening, maybe I destroyed his confidence.. Oh well, at least I got his picture! And my girlfriend got a good laugh at my embarrassing mistake...
rhart6: Well, that's not what I thought that was going to be about.
OnMemoryLane: I know, I just figured it would be a good way to attract people!
| 3 | 2 | |
1409768860 | 1409869499 | t3_2fdn6u | t5_2to41 | 119 | Predatorftfw: TIFU By Fucking My (Married) Boss. Sticking It In Crazy.
This happened a year+ ago, but this is the first time I've told the story, so bear with me.
I worked at a restaurant, a locally owned/operated place. They hired a new manager in July. Like any other girl I've ever dated, I knew the MOMENT I first talked to her that there was "something" there. Us employees of the restaurant got along really well, and we joked around with eachother a lot. Hell, most of us could of been charged with sexual harassment if someone took anything we said seriously. So of course, her and I would have suggestive/joking conversations. But something was different with her, we were much friendlier, talked more, and generally wanted to be around eachother. Usually one of us would find a reason to be near the other. This was all unspoken of course, as neither of us wanted to admit having feelings for the other. She was in her mid 20s and married, and I was just 17. (Age of consent in my state so don't deletekthx) . Fastforward to the end of our time at the restaurant. The other managers had caught on that something was off with her and I, so we weren't scheduled again. At this point we still hadn't actually talked about feelings or anything, but I was pissed. I paid off another girl to switch me 3 shifts that week so I could work with her. At one point, we were both outside on a break. I had told another friend how I felt about this girl, and my friend gave me the advice I gave to him a few months back. Just kiss her.
It took forever, but I finally did it. It wasn't my first kiss by any means, but this girl was different. Married, much older, and I was not sure of the situation whatsoever between the two of us. It was the most amazing kiss of my life. Just a simple peck, but with all the anticipation, wow. I finished my shift, and left, we didn't discuss the kiss. Later I decided to text her and figure out what "we were" or if it was anything at all. Her husband was gone for awhile for work, and somehow or another we decided that well, for a week we'd be "together" and after that it's over. I still can't figure out what in my mind decided any of this was a good idea, but my thought process at the time was "Well, this is what I want. I'm going for it.". The second day we were "together" we ended up having sex. Which was funny, earlier that day we talked about going slow and possibly not having sex.. Anyways, she felt guilty and told her husband she was divorcing him. (She was planning on doing it anyways, but after he returned).
He comes back, and it becomes quite the mess. He goes to the restaurant, finds out my name, looks me up on facebook (my profile was public, whoops) and has my personal info at his disposal. Name, phone number, parents, etc. He tells the owners of the restaurant. Her & I had already quit because the place was closing, but they then proceeded to tell people we were fired. (Funny because I have a paystub dated for work a week after we were "Fired"). They threatened lawsuits etc, but it never happened.
This guy, is fucking crazy. Granted, he DID just lose his wife to some random guy. She leaves and stays somewhere else. He goes to where she's staying in the middle of the night, steals her car (while drunk), hits something and scratches it up and breaks a mirror. He goes back, beats on the doors, windows, etc, screaming. She didn't answer so he found my house. Beats on my door like crazy at 3am threatening etc. Dad answers the door with a shotgun and tells him to leave. Obviously, I had to explain to my parents at this point why some guy is beating on the door threatening me. They were of course, pissed, but to their credit they let me do what I wanted, even though they hated it. Eventually the girl had to get a restraining order on the guy, which pissed him off even more, and led to him following me if he saw me driving. Harassing me at my new job, and endless calls/texts of mixed threats and "Please just talk to me. I'll pick you up and we can talk about it". I tried to be respectful at first, because I WAS clearly the bad guy. But I didn't care. I liked the adventure. I got fed up with his shit and not leaving me alone, so I told him in detail, everything I was doing with his ex-wife. This enraged him, honestly I've never seen anything funnier, him flying up in his truck, running up to the house and trying to break down the storm-door. We called the police and he was escorted away from our house. We didn't press charges, just wanted to prove a point. At some point he took her phone, and read where she had said that I was better than him in bed, and he got pissed, and yet again, came to beat down my door. (There's more psycho-guy stories, but I think those get my point across)
Fastforward a few months into the relationship. Psycho-Guy won't stop bugging the girl to please "Have sex one last time to say goodbye". The girl keeps complaining again and again about it, I got annoyed and said "Just fucking do it if you want and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know" Apparently, it pissed HER off that I didn't want to know if she did or didn't do it, so she did it, and then told me. Whatever I thought, it's all over and it's past me. Well, come to find out, she's just as psycho as he is. She would go to the bar, get completely shit-faced, and end up flirting/grinding/etc with other guys. I got pissed and called her out on it, and she got all defensive saying it was all good fun. Whatever, I'll deal with it, I thought. She ends up having sex with her ex yet again, and then on me a THIRD time with another guy. I loved this girl, but I forgave her too many times and I couldn't keep getting hurt anymore. I broke up with her. She didn't act phased, didn't care, whatever. Two days later she calls crying saying she was sorry and regrets what she did, and how she want's to get back together. We talked it out and agreed. Things were great for the next month, until one random day she breaks up with me. Her reason? Because she was pissed I broke up with her and she wanted to "Get back" at me. Obviously that hurt, big time. But we broke up and stayed broken up. A few months later she called me just wanting to "Keep in touch" and decided to describe her past few boyfriends and sexual ventures (in way too much detail) . Which of course upset me so I hung up and eventually forgot about it. Fastforward to now, she's been texting me, bothering a few of my friends about me not talking to her, and just general craziness. I confront her about it, and she calls me a "Dick, Asshole, Bad Person, etc". I had enough and finally just blocked her on all social media, and called my cell carrier and had her number blocked.
Hopefully I wont have to deal with it again. I'll admit, I was the bad guy. I fucked up. Posting this mainly for a background for another "Today I fucked up" post in a minute.
tl;dr Fucked a married woman. Husband went psycho on me, employers threatened lawsuits, woman cheated on me and broke my heart, started bothering me again after over a year.
I fucked up.
umop_episdn_: You Completely, 100%, deserved all of that.
albinoballer: i think he deserved most of that, but not all of that. mayble like 85% of that. i also think 17 year olds aren't known for their ability to fully consider all consequences of a potential situation.
VeraciousBuffalo: Having sex with a married woman? The consequences of that seem pretty obvious, imo.
albinoballer: yea, cause every instance of a cheated on woman results in being stalked, threatened, and harassed for weeks. c'mon, that's not obvious.
VeraciousBuffalo: Bad things come from it. Period.
| 6 | 19.833333 | |
1409770157 | 1409780265 | t3_2fdpmd | t5_2to41 | 7 | ta1920: TIFU by punching a tailgater...
So I was on the highway today, from behind came somebody that was in a hurry and I wasn't driving fast enough, he was tailgating... so I hit the brakes *first mistake*
Then he drove off and I was pursuing my way, until I see him in front of me in my town taking the same road I need to drive to go home.
He sees me too and thinks i'm following him although I keeping my distance. Then he slows down and shows me his expandable baton.
That's when I start to follow him *second mistake*, he stops at his work a factory where he is a security guy. I parked my car and just ran up to his car and asked him quite irritated if he wants to hit me with his expandable baton, he answers no I can take you like this gets out of his car and starts to back me up.
I warned him 2 or 3 times I make a fake move and punch him right on his cheek. This guy is bigger then me and I just try to get away while he is realizing what just happened to him and asked his buddy to call the cops.
I drove away, he probably called the cops has my license plate and I will have to explain all this to some state attorney... go to my lawyer and all that BS... :(
DragoonARC: Whatever you do, don't call his place of work and file a complaint and leave your name
ta1920: lol no i wont...
DragoonARC: Yea , that was experience. Was almost side swiped by a some guy in a company truck, followed him got the company number and licence plate. Guy used my name and called the cops on me as a reckless driver and attempted assault.
tonefilm: So you're saying he *should* call the cops on him?
DragoonARC: In my situation, it seemed to be who called the cops first and not who was at fault
tonefilm: Better beat the other guy to the punch then.
| 7 | 1 | |
1409771142 | 1409813385 | t3_2fdrf7 | t5_2to41 | 47 | Buseysrevenge: TIFU Sleepwalking
This actually happened over the weekend, but here goes. I wake up very early on Saturday morning in the bathroom in the middle of taking a dump. I'm not much of a morning person, so I just figured I was too groggy to recall getting out of bed and going to the washroom. I go back upstairs to the bedroom, and there's my girlfriend looking quite confused and upset.
GF: "Are you going to clean that up?"
Me: "Wha?"
GF: "The pee all over the air conditioner and the window!"
I haven't sleepwalked since I was a little kid, I'm 28 now and it's never been an issue... until now. I guess I got out of bed, started yanking on the front of our window AC unit in the bedroom, opened the filter flap and just started peeing in it. If your AC unit has ever gotten water in the fan, you know the sound it makes. It was making that sound... but from piss. The blowback from the fan caused my pee to spray all over the window, all over the floor, and it was this point when I noticed I had a pretty good sprinkling of pee on myself as well.
I guess while I was doing all of this, my gf was yelling at me, and I just kept mumbling generic guy responses like "Yeah", "I will", and "I know", then just turned around and left the room. Once she realized that I had been sleepwalking and had no idea what I was doing (and after I cleaned up all the pee and showered) we had a good laugh about it and she wasn't mad at all. That is how I know she's a keeper.
Also, I should mention I do remember having one of those "I really have to pee" dreams at some point that night, and the window in question overlooks a busy park...
TLDR: Sleepwalked for the first time in over 20 years, peed into a window AC unit in front of my horrified girlfried.
hoopycat: My superpower is being able to engage lucid dreaming mode and abort sleep when I'm having a "really have to pee" dream.
Took some training.
TopherBaggins: I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE!!
Thank you. It is nice to not be alone in this.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1409768337 | 1409773081 | t3_2fdm8f | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying Dynamite in Chinatown and blowing up a log
I posted a TIFU yesterday about my first trip to Vegas and it seems like everybody liked it, so I figured I'd post another one as I am bored at work... again
This story takes place about 17 years ago, when I was 13 going on 14 years of age. It was after freshman year of high school and probably in my most destructive phase. Most of the people me and my friends knew were out drinking, smoking, snorting, fucking, etc already. We, on the other hand, were very much into explosives, egging homes, and mayhem.
We lived in a nice northern New Jersey suburb, about 10 minutes away from the George Washington Bridge, for context. In the summers we would generally meet at one persons house, and 6 or 7 of us would sit around all day figuring out what type of shit storm we could cause that night. This day, my friend Ben had an idea he was pretty adamant about doing. He wanted to take the bus into Chinatown and buy as much fireworks as we could, go to the field behind the high school and then set off as many as we could before the cops showed up. We all shrugged and said why not, lets do it.
Our friend Kevin, who is Chinese and who's dad owned a restaurant in Chinatown, told us that it's not that simple anymore. Rudy had taken office as the Mayor/King of New York, and Chinatown was very much a different place. When we were younger you could literally walk into any store front and they would sell you some form of explosive. Now, all the business owners are too afraid of being shut down. Ben rejected this assertion and we walked down his block to the bus stop.
Ben's parents, both of whom were extremely absent in his life, were very wealthy and had good jobs. He was the friend, who could always buy whatever he wanted, always had a lot of cash, and never gave a shit about what he spent it on. I on the other hand, never had money, my Mom never made more than $30k a year in her life up until she passed away, and literally could never buy anything of any value. I was always the wingman on these missions because it was so baffling to me that someone at our age could just go wherever he wanted and buy whatever he wanted with no consequences, it gave me a great rush.
We get to the bus stop and most of our friends decide they are just going to go to get pizza and ice cream instead, so Kevin, Ben, and myself are the only ones who end up making the trek into Manhattan. Pretty standard and boring bus ride, but it takes forever. Once we get dropped off, we hop on the subway down to Canal Street, and boom. The sweet/gross/vomitous smell of Chinatown has wafted over us. We had arrived.
------------
We begin walking around aimlessly. Going from shop to shop asking for fireworks. Ben purchases a butterfly knife, a couple of zippo lighters, and other trinkets you find in Chinatown. after about 3 hours of this we're all pretty dead tired, and haven't even sniffed a Roman Candle. Kevin and myself try to convince Ben that it's just not going to happen and that we should go home, he isn't giving up. He engages in one of the most bizarre things I remember ever seeing.
Picture it. A small, 15 year old boy, extremely chubby, very pale skin with blonde hair, standing in the middle of the sidewalk in Chinatown in the middle of the day, with his arms stretched out. As people walk around him, he literally asks every single person he see's if they know where he can buy fireworks. Most ignore him, some laugh, some look worried. Me and Kevin stand by trying to convince him to stop and that he's going to get arrested. He ignores us.
Finally, a younger looking Chinese guy stops, looks at him dead in his eyes and says the following "Come with me to Burger King". Without hesitation Ben follows him to the Burger King across the street, and me and Kevin follow closely behind. We sit in a booth at Burger King with this man and he asks us what we wanted. Ben says "Everything". The man pulls out a sheet of paper with a list of different types of fireworks and their prices per unit. He instructs Ben to mark down what he wants. As we all scan through the paper, all of our fixate on on one specific item, Dynamite. Really? Dynamite? This is being sold on the black market in downtown Manhattan? Ok.
The price was $20 per stick. Ben pulls out his wallet and he has $440 cash on him. He marks down that he wants 20 sticks, and then hands me the other $40 dollars and tells me to make sure he doesn't spend it because we still have to get home and eat something. I agree.
Ben hands the sheet back over to the Chinese guy and who gives us a chuckle and says "ok, money and bag". We look at him not knowing what to do. Why would we pay upfront, and moreover why did he want Ben's backpack? We asked, and he told us that if we wanted it he'd need the bag to put it in and he'd need the money upfront, that was the deal. Ben agreed and handed over $400 and his backpack. The guy stood up and told us to go across the street and make a right on Lafayette, there will be an apartment building 2 doors down on the right, and to wait for him in the lobby of it. We sheepishly agreed.
We all leave together and as we are walking to Lafayette, we see this Chinese guy with Ben's bag go into a dead sprint. I was convinced he was just running away with the money, but Ben had faith. We see him go from storefront to storefront. Go in for a few seconds, come back out. I saw him do this at least 3 times as we were walking. We get to the lobby of the apartment and the security guard stares at us. I tell him we are waiting for someone, and he knowingly nods his head at me as if he knew we'd be coming.
The Chinese man returns with Ben's backpack, 20 sticks of dynamite, and a business card for any of our future return trips to buy explosives. We thank him and leave.
---------------
We meet up with everybody and try to formulate our plan as we lay out all of our new explosives in Ben's basement. It was such a beautiful site. We had set off 1/4 sticks before, and they were loud and destructive, I couldn't even fathom what a whole stick would sound like or what type of damage it could do.
We gather our things and head out to the high school. Ben lived about 2 blocks away, and we had previously cut a path through all the backyards between his house and the back of the school with hedge clippers. We spent a lot of time running away from police and back to Ben's house at this time in our lives. Also, Ben had recently bought a police scanner, and 2 walkie talkies. Our friend Rich was to stand near the street with the scanner and one walkie, while Ben had the other taped to his arm. Our friend Sam was the lookout on the other side of the school, and Kevin, Ben and myself were to be the ones lighting the dynamite.
The high school had recently just installed something called "Project Adventure". This was basically an elevated obstacle course consisting of wires and ziplines. It was propped up and held up by these 20 foot logs that they had put foot holes into for climbing. It was really fun to use in gym class and was to teach us proper climbing safety techniques. Anyway, Ben hated it and wanted to blow it up.
We decided it was best to test the strength of one and to see how loud it would be first. We took a large mouth Snapple bottle, put the stick in it, then placed one of those heavy duty plastic garbage pales over it. Leaving just the end of the wick sticking out from under it. Ben lit the wick and we ran and turned around to see what would happen. BOOM. The can literally flew up in the air at least 30 feet. I can't accurately describe what the sound was like. It was literally the loudest thing I have ever heard, even to this day. We were all shocked and blown away.
Within 10 seconds Rich's police scanner was going nuts and he was communicating with Ben that we should leave. Ben said, no, we have to get Project Adventure.
He hands me a stick of dynamite, and hands Kevin a stick as well and we walk over to where the logs are. We each jam a stick into one of the foot holes and start to countdown to lighting them. Rich is now very nervous and yelling to us through the walkie talkie that we had to leave. In the distance I see Sam has already started to run, which means we were no longer alone behind the high school. I say fuck it and flick my lighter, set it to the wick and experience the longest 2 seconds of my life.
If you don't know, a wick, especially for a full stick of dynamite talks a considerable amount of time to burn before it explodes. I'm talking anywhere from 20 to 30 seconds from my experiences at the very least. The first one we set off took about that much time as well. It's a very slow burn that you can see. Well, the one I lit, happened to be the dud of the pile. I lit it and ZOOM, it started flying down the wick. All 3 of us realized this at the same time and went into a dead sprint in 3 opposite directions. I ran towards Rich and the escape route, Kevin ran towards the front of the school, and Ben ran towards the back where Sam had been. As I'm running, I get maybe 6 or 7 steps from the log and BOOM, it goes off and almost knocks me over from the sound and my momentum. I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my left calf and look down to see I am gushing blood.
I stop, look back and realize that a huge piece of the log had blown off and hit me directly in the back of the leg. I look up and see cop lights coming from all directions, so I run, and run and run. I see Kevin I run right by him. I run right to Ben's patio and sit down. The cut was pretty superficial. So I just wrapped a towel around my leg and tried not to walk around or run around after I got to Ben's house. I waited there for a while and nobody came.
It turns out Kevin had been arrested, Sam had ran to his own house on the opposite side of town, Rich had also ran to his own house, which leaves Ben. Ben, saw the cops coming, so he jumped into the sewer. There was a small bridge connecting the parking lot of the high school and the main building. The sewage ran under the bridge. In a panic Ben jumped head first into the sewage and crawled under the bridge laying face down in it. He didn't make a noise as the cops were standing above him on the bridge. He didn't get caught.
2 or so hours later, I'm still at Ben's house and he walks up and tells me what happened. From that day on he earned the nickname Sewer Fingers.
Kevin didn't get into any legal trouble, but his dad had to pick him up from the station. His dad is an old school, very strict Chinese guy. Let's put it this way, I have known Kevin since I was 4 years old. I have been to his home over 1,000 times. His father, has only acknowledged me twice. Both times with a grunt and a look of disdain. Anyway, Kevin's dad shipped him off to boarding school out of state to escape Ben and our friends as he felt we were going to ruin his life.
And that is the story of the night I set off a stick of dynamite.
EDIT -
TL;DR - I took a bus to Chinatown with my friends, bought dynamite, blew shit up at our high school, got hit with shrapnel, friend got arrested in the process, was shipped to boarding school never to be heard from again.
thisisme101: tldr?
dmt13: I'll add one
| 3 | 12 | |
1409773784 | 1409779023 | t3_2fdwet | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by ALSO letting my boyfriend finger me
My boyfriend and I were having sex, and he came before I did. So he pulls out and starts fingering me while I'm rubbing my clit, and just when I'm about to come, he says "what is this?", and pulls out a soggy condom. Now, he and I never use condoms, since we are supposedly monogamous and I am also on the pill. So he has this horrified look on his face and I'm just speechless. I literally could not think of a single thing to say. The night before, I had fucked another guy. We were both pretty drunk, and the condom got "lost", so we just put on another one. Little did I know it was lost in my pussy, and I was so busted. He got dressed and left while screaming at me about what a whore I am, within earshot of our housemates and neighbors. This is my personal low I'm pretty sure.
TLRD; fucked another guy, boyfriend found condom in my pussy while fingering me.
samestuff: Ew? Not going to call you names, but next time, take a deep cleansing shower before getting into bed with someone else.
cheating_gf: Maybe u are unfamiliar w female anatomy, but a shower, no matter how "deep cleansing", will not remove a condom, or anything else, from inside the vagina.
samestuff: As a female, I know it can. Well with a movable shower head anyway.
cheating_gf: Okaaaay... So you are saying that you are able to somehow douche with your shower head? How does one do that? I'm not talking about stuff in the labia, but INSIDE, like where a tampon would be.
samestuff: Fingers and enough water pressure I suppose. I have had to do something similar although because of another reason. And obviously not talking about the labia, I think you might notice a condom hanging from your netherlips, eh?
cheating_gf: LOL, I would hope so! But I think I'll pass on powerwashing the inside of my coochie. Even douching is supposed to be bad for you, so I would probably just use my fingers to check, assuming it ever comes up in the future!
| 7 | -0.142857 | |
1409773488 | 1409775992 | t3_2fdvtm | t5_2to41 | 116 | Dayowulf: TIFU by taking ecstasy while in the military.
Not actually today, but I think I decided to finally tell the story today.
Back in 2010 I enlisted in the military and thought that I would have a pretty promising career with it. Anything that was put in front of me I was able to conquer, and I was very popular. I was doing so well that in 2012 I was accepted to go to a military academy. This is where things start to take a turn for the worse.
I did pretty well there, but hated everything about what was going on. Saving details, I ended up discovering the world that is the rave scene, and LIVED for the weekends I could go there. No one outside of a group of 5 knew about it, and one day they decided to come with me for one of these adventures.
We went to a club, I found us a way to get some E through a friend I made at a concert, and we had a great night. Unfortunately, one of the people in the group got drug tested the following Monday and results came back positive. It is now October 2012. The spiral begins.
Everyone else was separated from the military with an article 15 and a general discharge. I was special though. The academy took the view that without me, no one else could have been involved and thus they went the route of military court marshal. I was pulled from classes and was forced to stay on base doing "details" for 3 months. This period was exceptionally hard for me. I lost almost all of my "friends" and went from being someone people looked up to to the black sheep. I went through counseling and even turned to religion. At the end of January 2013 I was charged with distribution of a controlled substance as well as possession, and sentenced to 6 months in jail 2 days after my 21st birthday.
I was released at the end of June (1 month taken off for good behavior) and was separated a few weeks later. I had an uncle that had worked for the Department of Corrections. He had since retired and was moving to a new state. He said that I could stay with him and that he would help me find work. I took him up on his offer. Best case scenario, I would establish a new life out there. Worse case scenario, I could just rebel and spend 1 year there before moving on to something else. Truth be told, I did a little of both.
While here I got into the F&B world and had a great job as a busser. I traveled to music festivals, made plenty of friends, and got to learn that I wasn't the only one with a story. The only problem was that I really wanted to go back to school. I was accepted to a school for Engineering but deferred it once due to money, and then ending up deciding there was no way I was ever going to focus on my degree while I was living the lifestyle I was. It was during this time in my life that a friend came back into my life. They knew the full story and agreed to help me leave so that I could continue moving forward. This is July 2014.
I now live in a new state with my friend. I'm staying on his couch and its been a little over 2 months. I currently am employed by a local grocery store as a cashier making $8/hr. Self esteem is pretty much at an all time low and I'm back in counseling. I have an exciting chance at working for a bank here soon, with a start date of next Monday. It's not guaranteed though because I have to pass a background check and not even the lady who hooked me up with this job knows if I'll be disqualified for it or not.
This morning I woke up with a message from my friend's mom. She essentially said that her son is super nice, but that I a burden and have been there too long. She wants me to be out two weeks from today. She's a wonderful person and I understand where she is coming from, so we're currently messaging back and forth. She sent it while at work, so responses are slow and I do intend on talking to her about it on the phone since this is not exactly a Facebook conversation.
All I've got, thanks for reading.
**TL:DR Took drugs, ruined career, homeless.**
Edited: took out specifics. Realized a lot of people involved in this read Reddit.
Edit #2: I had believed my friend didn't know about his Mom messaging me. Apparently she told him. He's also still working and messaged me saying how he doesn't believe his parent's "two week notice" plan is reasonable, but does agree that he doesn't feel the urgency of me leaving, even though he knows I hate being on his couch. Feel a lot of different ways about that, but for now I think the Mom is right. My time here is up.
Edit #3: The parents will be visiting in two weeks and have offered to "help me move." The message is clear though, the 2 weeks is non-negotiable as far as they're concerned. I now just feel like a retard. Of course shit wasn't okay with me being here. The fantasy world I had created is shattered, and it wasn't even that good of a dream. Time to start seeing how good the friends I've made out here so far are, and to pursue the VA route tomorrow morning after counseling.
Edit #4: thanks everyone who has been giving me positivity. Really need it. Have decided to spend the night away from my friend's. We'll talk in person tomorrow. Although turns out his roommate is also ready for me to be gone. From what we've discussed via text though, he (my friend) agrees that his mom messaging me via Facebook was not the right route, and that his folk's 2 week notice plan is retarded. Also tried reaching out to my parents and found out they're losing their home. Decided not to bring it up to them.
Edit #5: So I called the bank today to check on status and start date. The recruiter says they have all my information now, but still don't have a decision made. My start date has been delayed, and no one knows for how long. Not good.
Kilomega: Just read all of that, wow. As a USAF Veteran myself keep your chin up. I'm guessing that you are ineligible for VA services due to your discharge status.
I work with a non-profit that specializes in Homeless Veterans (and trust me, if you don't have your name on a lease you are homeless) if you have any questions pm me and we'll talk.
Dayowulf: My discharge status is a general w/ honorable. The only thing I have tried to do with that is GI Bill / Post 9-11 but that didn't go so well. Should have known "eligible" doesn't mean they'll approve it. I would greatly appreciate any information you can give, as I'm pretty much at the end of my rope.
Kilomega: Wow. Just wow that is great and makes all the difference in the world. You are so lucky to have w/ honorable. I am shocked but good for you.
So the first thing we do with guys here (Silicon Valley) who are in danger of losing housing is refer them to shelter programs with Veterans areas. This is to take care of the immediate crisis. Then we refer them to HUD-VASH which I checked and is available in Nebraska.
Are you ready to learn that you qualify for a program which will pay your rent, and you only have to pay 30% of your income? For your own apartment in your own name? That's HUD-VASH and more information is available [right here](http://portal.hud.gov/hudportal/HUD?src=/states/nebraska/news/13-14). Are you ready to make that call?
How it will go down is this; you will call and schedule an appointment to meet with a HUD-VASH counselor who will walk you through the process. You will be given a form to fill out to chronicle your period of homelessness. READ MY WORDS: You have been living in a place not fit for human habitation for more than a year.
If you don't say that on your application you will not get housing. You can be staying in a car, outside, and the reason you never went to a shelter is fear, pride, whatever. Don't say couch surfing.
Dayowulf: Yeah out of everything that happened that discharge classification was the only silver lining. It happened because when I was sentenced to jail, I wasn't separated then and there. The judge gave me reduction in rank and forfeiture of pay. So when I was released from jail, I was still an airman, just an E-1. So my commander had to administratively separate me at that point and it would've been about a 6 month process to get me anything lower than w/ Honorable. She was tired of me being there and the new cadets were coming in, so she wasn't willing to fight.
I followed the link and will be looking more into this. Thank you so much. I had no idea I was eligible for anything. It more just felt like the military had washed their hands of me and I feel like shit mentioning to strangers I had served, there was no way I was going to look into programs.
Kilomega: Get yourself connected to the VA as soon as you can. You would be amazed at what they can do for you. I know there have been a lot of negative stories in the press recently but I have had great experiences with them.
| 6 | 19.333333 | |
1409772921 | 1409774667 | t3_2fduqw | t5_2to41 | 5 | lostbreeze: TIFU by making tacos
We had all of the supplies for tacos, but no cooked taco meat, and I figured I could do that myself. I enjoy cooking and didn't think it would be that big of a deal. The meat was coming out well, making all kinds of progress, I decided to lightly season it.
I dig through the cabinet for various seasonings, and am about to sprinkle in a hint of red pepper...and as I'm shaking in some pepper flakes, the lid explodes.
Almost an entire jar of pepper ended up in my tacos.
I tried toning it down a bit with some salsa, cheeses, etc, but fail. My mom is the only one in the house who can tolerate spicy food, and she tried some tacos when she came home for her lunch break. She went back to work with her eyes watery and puffy.
Today I fucked up, and learned to always check the lids on my seasonings!
Insecure_Batgirl: Here's a tip, do check the lids and put the seasoning in your hand for measurement away from the food then add it into the food.
**Also I've heard from my own mother that if you season taco meat with too much pepper rinse it off under running water, strain it in a tight colander and then try to season it again. (Don't add more heat at this point) add Cumin, lime or chili powder
**Salsa also adds heat btw so you just added more flames to your fire.
lostbreeze: Oh it was homemade salsa that wasn't really spicy :P
These were like hugeeee pepper flakes overrunning my entire pan, but thanks for the tip :)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409778673 | 1409783676 | t3_2fe5nx | t5_2to41 | 16 | Kensin: TIFU by taking 12 hour allergy medicine to relieve my runny nose only to notice too late that it was a decongestant.
My supply of Kleenex is rapidly depleting. :(
Sorry this wasn't about sex or boobs.
kwyjiboner: >Sorry this wasn't about sex or boobs.
If you have boobs, could you post a pic of your snot-covered titties and rectify that oversight?
Kensin: sadly(?) I am boobless. After reading your comment I'm not sure I'd want boobs involved in any of this. The dripping continues.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1409779138 | 1409779438 | t3_2fe6ha | t5_2to41 | 4 | Drewdoggg: TIFU by helping my mom
happened a few minutes ago.
Si i was trying to help my mother cook dinner. (being a good son) well i go to find some spices our cabinet is full of different spices. well i find the spice i want and well taking it out i knock over a glass container full of garlic pepper SALT blend and well it lands right on my foot so i got a giant cut (might need stitches) with salt and garlic in it so to say the least today sucks...
not gonna cook for a while
EDIT: i did attend to the wound
[deleted]: and
you ran to tell reddit instead of actually attending to the cut? Bravo!
Drewdoggg: i attended to it... i washed it out and disinfected it. my mom is trying to find her stitching kit )(she used to be an EMT)
[deleted]: ok then, good for you /sheepish-grumble-for-assuming
| 4 | 1 | |
1409778689 | 1409858531 | t3_2fe5p6 | t5_2to41 | 6,016 | ClassyChameleon: TIFU by leaving my Poptart unattended
Someone stole my wildberry Poptart when I went to the bathroom. What kind of asshole steals another mans Poptart?!
EDIT: I just noticed that cool gold thing. Thanks kind stranger!
cherylannmarie: Wtf is the world coming to when you can't put your poptart down for one god damn minute.
JasmineForsythe: This post has sent me deep into a crippling depression. What's the point of anything anymore
Ice_tail: I...I was going to make a poptart but I just...I just can't anymore.
I just know people out there are going to take it from me.
ThePurpleHayes: I definitely value my poptarts more now, that's for sure.
Tasty_herASSmints: Honestly i only value the frosted part of the poptart.... The thieves can have the crust
ShawnBootygod: But I only like the crust....
KarateF22: You thief.
ShawnBootygod: If the toaster fits
TheKingofKats: To test this, provide instructions to anything and wait until dick becomes irremovably stuck.
EDIT: Plan worked well, now we must inspect the penis of /u/alexhfl/
alexhfl: My penis is gone, it got too toasted...
TheKingofKats: Or maybe you left it unattended and your asshole coworker stole it.
alexhfl: Yeah! I went to take a piss and when I came back someone had stolen it! What a dick.
| 13 | 462.769231 | |
1409780288 | 1409805590 | t3_2fe8ny | t5_2to41 | 40 | JonJonDuhPhenomenon: TIFU by telling my wife to continue spraying the giant black bug with water
Background: I live in S. California and I'd like to think I seen my share of ugly bugs through the interwebs, hikes and common strolls. I'm not necessarily scared of any spiders nor any kind of bugs. I'm definitely not saying I'm super alpha, I'm just confidant enough to know that I have bug spray readily available and a nice size shoe to smash those little bastards with. More background: my wife and 5 month year old son (uses a baby carrier) love to water the plants and grass every other day outside.
Wife: I'm heading outside with baby.
Me: no problem Imma put away his clothes.
5-10 min later...
Wife: holy $hit... Hun, come out here, there's a giant bug.
Me: a huh... Like a cockroach or waterbug
Wife: no... It's freaking huge. Looks like a giant ant.... It's ugly... But has pretty wings.
Me: thinking *another over reaction from my wife, might be just cockroach; then I remember the part of pretty wings* hun, keep hitting it with water. *running to front and open the screen door and that's when I see it... Right outside front porch. Had to be about 2 1/2 maybe 3 inches long. Looked solid black, bright orange wings and just as she described... Super ugly. Eyes got big and I froze. I never seen this bug before and why the hell is it living in my front bushes. I reach for a shoe (front of my door cause I'm Asian) and go to smack it as wife continues to spray it with water. The bug was super strong as it was inching towards my wife against the water and I just stood there frozen.
Wife: fucking kill it
Me: that's the biggest ugliest bug I've seen, what it it's fast too and jumps on me. *Inch closer and start my progression to smash it. It jumps back intro he bushes...*
Wife: no fucking way... Its in our front bushes again.
Both of us: *standing in front of bush just staring and wife shaking her head at me in disappointment.*
Wife: now what?
Me: got me... You know you could've stepped on it too.
We call it a day and stop blaming each other. I go on the computer and google black bugs with orange wings. I find it...
Tarantula Hawk!!!! Wtf... Is this real life... it's a giant wasp that lays it's egg in a tarantula and the larvae eat it's way out.
More... Stinger is 1/3 inches long. It's sting is regarded as the most painful sting in north america.
Me: hun, stop watering that bush... More importantly stop watering the front with baby altogether.
Wife: why?
Me: it's not an ordinary bug. It eats tarantulas and people are saying the sting is equivalent to dropping a hair dryer into a bathtub.
Wife: WTF... I told you kill it...
Me: you're joking right. One failed attempt and I'm screwed. They said just leave it alone.
Wife: even worse... If that's here, does that mean We have tarantulas too.
Both of us: *from kitchen window looking at bush with scared and confused face*
TL;DR... tarantula black hawk monster jumped out of bushes to kill my family. I pussed out and froze instead of killing it. Wife blames me and we're afraid of walking by that bush...
Question: any dealings with this and/or recommendations? How does one kill a tarantula hawk without actual physical confrontations (e.g, bug traps)? Am I obligated to tell my gardner?
I told my friends and they all said the same "it's too late....burn down you house....
dahakon: [Wikipedia's entry on the Tarantula Hawk](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarantula_hawk)
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Tarantula hawk**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarantula%20hawk): [](#sfw)
---
>
>A __tarantula hawk__ is a [spider wasp](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider_wasp) which hunts [tarantulas](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarantula) as food for its [larvae](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larva). Tarantula hawks belong to any of the many species in the genera *Pepsis* and *Hemipepsis* in the family [Pompilidae](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider_wasp) (spider wasps).
>The more familiar species are up to 5 cm (2 in) long, with blue-black bodies and bright, rust-colored wings (other species have black wings with blue highlights), making them among the largest of wasps. The vivid coloration found on the bodies, and especially wings, of these wasps is an [aposematism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aposematic), advertising to potential predators the wasps' ability to deliver a powerful sting. Their long legs have hooked claws for grappling with their victims. The [stinger](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stinger) of a female *Pepsis grossa* can be up to 7 mm (1/3 in) long, and the sting is considered the second most painful insect sting in the world.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/vRomwA3.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Tarantulawasp.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Tarantula ^Hawk ^\(band)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarantula_Hawk_\(band\)) ^| [^Spider ^wasp](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider_wasp) ^| [^Tarantula](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarantula) ^| [^Pepsinae](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepsinae)
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+ck8e3uy) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+ck8e3uy)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
turtledude347: What's the most painful?
JonJonDuhPhenomenon: They say bullet ant...
turtledude347: Oh yeah, I should have known.
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1409780607 | 1409787847 | t3_2fe98m | t5_2to41 | 6 | thatcrazyfucker: TIFU by making my girlfriends pussy bleed while fingering her...
this fuck up happened sunday evening I was staying at my girlfriends house for the first time and we'd been planning this night for a while anyways we'd hung out for friends earlier that day and after they'd gone she forced me into watching twilight in the living room....so me being the average guy needed some way to save myself from this fate worst than death so I started kissing/touching and well yep i got lead to the bedroom -wink wink- at this time we were both pretty hot under the collar, now this is where the fuck up happens I hadn't cut my nails and they were pretty long and sharp and we were in a full on grope fest and I was fingers deep in her before giving her a pounding......so she went to the bathroom come back and these were her exact words "you made me bleed" and I shit you not there was blood on the sheets some on the blankets and i died from shame
#shouldofcutmynails
#sexturnedintosomethingfromahorromovie
Jarbatalapus: What's with all the fingering stories lately?
mahlihsah: I second this.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409783194 | 1409783689 | t3_2fedxq | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants at work.
[deleted]: All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday. These grew extremely tiresome and there was great clamor for their removal. So kindly post them on saturday only.
NoMoreMrShyGuy: Ill remove it, but that's kinda funny because it actually happened to me today, kinda defeats the purpose if I post it on saturday. Mind as well delete it i guess.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409783741 | 1409797394 | t3_2feew8 | t5_2to41 | 36 | HashtagWorth: TIFU by ignoring my girlfriend's advice
A couple years ago I met this cute girl at camp counselor training. Now I'm not exactly a shy guy, but I'm terrible at taking to girls I don't know. When I won movie tickets on the last night of training, I decide to ask her out. To my surprise she's up for staying out late that night. We go out and have a great time, spent a lot of time talking and get a bit romantic.
The rest of the summer only got better, we started sleeping together and hung out whenever we could. I turned our sexcapades into a game: we had to fuck in a different location each time. We went everywhere from my hot tub, to a church parking lot, to the top of a waterfall (still one of my proudest moments.)
Near the end of the summer I got permission from her parents to take her up to my river house for the weekend. This was a little weird that I needed permission considering she was 21 but her parents are ultra conservative and try to shelter her as much as possible.
I felt like a fat kid in a candy store, there were so many places we could cross off the list during this trip. I arrive at her house packed and ready to get on the road. This was my first time in her house, conservative parents, no boys allowed yadda yadda. I remember her mentioning she's never fucked in her own bed and I know my duty as a man. She protests that her mom will get back soon and we should just leave. I'm already set in my decision and proceed to rock her world. Soon after finishing her mom walks in the house shouting at her to come out.
This is where I fuck up. While she frantically puts some clothes on I decide to hide behind her butt naked. Finally her mom barges in knowing I'm here and I get up, still naked. Her mom is FURIOUS at me! She starts threatening the cops, telling my parents, if I ever contact her daughter again she'll kill me; normal stuff. I put my pants on, grab my clothes and get the hell out of there.
TL;DR: meet cute girl, meat cute girl, caught by mom, see username
Kasianic: Forgive my ignorance but what does "see username" in your TLDR have to do with the story? And "meat cute girl"?
I am so confuddled.
Omnobo: Meet cute girl. Meat cute girl (put your meat in cute girl ie sexytimes). Caught by mom. #worth (It was worth it.)
Hope that cleared things up for you.
cerjam: proof that hashtags are FUCKING STUPID.
SenpaisLove: Proof that you didn't take a second and think about it.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1409784554 | 1409841525 | t3_2feg7m | t5_2to41 | 14 | casuallyconfused: TIFU by writing in code
So, over the summer, my school wasted thousands of dollars on an "innovation lab." This lab consists of some cardboard boxes, a 3D printer, and blank walls **that the students are allowed to paint whatever they want on.** So of course, me being the sneaky sneak that I am, I decide to have some fun with this.
A little backstory here: About three years ago, I invented an alternate alphabet. It's phonetic, so it's harder for people to decode than just a simple cryptogram. Whenever I want to write something that I don't want anyone but me to be able to read, I write it in this code.
Anyway, so what do I do in this "Innovation Lab"? I grab a can of paint and write "FUCK" in my invented alphabet. Now I can smirk at this flagrant violation of school policy whenever I want and nobody will be any the wiser.
The only problem, though (which I realized about an hour after I had done this)? To the average observer who knows nothing about my invented language, the word that I painted on the wall looks exactly like "POT."
TL;DR: It looks like I painted the word "pot" on the wall of a classroom in huge letters. Explaining what it actually says would be even worse.
EDIT: bolded a key statement
eyamil: POTATO. That's what you should've changed it to.
casuallyconfused: Well, I just got back from turning it into a giant green blob. Better than nothing, I suppose.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1409785455 | 1409878948 | t3_2fehti | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating something with dairy for breakfast..
So today I went to take my new car to get this protector stuff on it so I had to leave it. As I waited I decided to go get something for breakfast. I didn't want some Mcds or any fast food, but rather some original shit. So I am lactose intolerant, or how my gf says it, I am a lactose. I proceeded to go to some new place we will call "The Spot", because of the stuff on the menu. Some of the names consisted of "yolo", "the rolex", "jean claude van hamm", which made it interesting. I decided to get "the rolex", which was some organic made shit. I didn't exactly read everything it contained, but I told the employee no cheese. Now for those of you that don't know what it is like being lactose, IT SUCKS ASS. It like sucks air out of your ass. Anyways, you are either super lactose, moderate lactose, or light lactose, because not everyone reacts the same to the same amount of dairy. Of course, I happen to be the super ass ripping lactose. A teaspoon of milk will make me feel like a balloon. So as I am eating this organic tortilla rolled with scrambled eggs, soft chewy avocado, crisp tangy bacon, and saucy red sauce, wait a minute... Wait a damn minute... Saucy red sauce??? Shit... The smoke tomato spread that was in the name was actually heavy whipped cream and tomatoes blended together.. FML..
I was already 3/4 of the way done with my breakfast burrito when I started feeling my stomach churn. Luckily I received a call from the dealer letting me know my car was ready. I rushed back to the dealership and was told it would be 5 more mins, as they finished cleaning the tires. So I went into the waiting room. My stomach at this point felt like a car tire was on my stomach and burning rubber on my stomach. No one around, I let one go... This is where I fucked up. It was quiet and really hot. I think it was warm enough to burn a hole through my underwear. This thing smelled worse than a 10 week old corpse stuffed in a plastic bag and left in a car sitting in the sun.
One of the sales persons came in and asked if I needed a water or something to drink. As she started getting closer she coughed a little in disgust. I could also see her tear up a little. She smelled the nuke. I quickly got up and headed to where my car was. I got in and quickly left. I know I won't be going there for my free 2 years of service :(
TL;DR, I ate some shit I didn't know had dairy, farted at the dealers waiting room, temporarily blinded a salesperson, and lost out on 2 years of free maintenance.
Fluffynutterbutt: Lactaid, dude. It contains the lactase enzyme your digestive tract lacks. It's a lifesaver, and means you can eat all the sweet sweet dairy products you want :)
squirtlegang: I tried that once, and it didn't help AT ALL. I am saddened I can no longer enjoy dairy without having to be in pain or discomfort. It is funny because I would eat all the dairy I wanted until I started lifting and taking whey protein and casein. I stopped for a while and I think my body just got so used to it that it no longer supported it :(
Fluffynutterbutt: Oh, then you have a milk allergy or sensitivity. If taking Lactaid does nothing for you, then it isn't the lactose (milk sugar) that is causing your reaction, it's another component. Lactaid contains lactase, the enzyme your digestive tract needs to break down milk sugar. Most common is an allergic response, which has no cure. Most unfortunate :/
| 4 | 2 | |
1409786609 | 1409787467 | t3_2fejsj | t5_2to41 | 4 | hugo9u76: TIFU by accidentally touching a girl's butt
Soulpaw: Is this serious? I can honestly say you are going to be fine (unless you full out grasped her ass cheek)
hugo9u76: Actually,we are fine.
I just feel weird.
mahlihsah: you must be new. everything will be ok.
hugo9u76: Thanks.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1409787768 | 1409789226 | t3_2felmi | t5_2to41 | 74 | DoubleThink1990: TIFU by not muting my office phone on a project conference call
I am a recent college graduate to a very large corporation. I've only been there about a year now but I've done very well and as such I've been given more responsibility. This does not change the fact that I'm still a college kid at heart.
So I've recently been given a great opportunity by taking on a project that will effect our entire national organization. There is only 1 person from each region representing their region (8 people total) and we had our first conference call today. And boy did I make it a memorable one.
Before the call our Vice President of Operations (who hired me which is why he probably asked me to do it) asked me to be a note taker for the call and record any ideas and suggestions people had to address when we all get together in 3 weeks at HQ. I told him of course. But like any normal person I didn't want to do it. I was nervous and had no idea what to take notes on. I thought "I've only been with the company a year, this is silly for me to take the lead on really anything. I don't know shit". Then my college buddy called.
I THOUGHT I pressed mute. The conversation went something like this:
* **Me** Hey man what's going on
* **Friend** Not much you coming up for the game this weekend?
* **Me** Hell yea man I wouldn't miss it. Plus it's been a while since I've partied. The real world sucks and I need to get away. They keep giving me more junk to do like I know what I'm doing or something.
* **Friend** Like what?
* **Me** I'm about to get on a conference call and I'm supposed to take notes and I have no clue what I'm supposed to pay attention to. If I take to detailed notes they won't read them and I won't be able to listen. If I don't take enough they'll think I was being lazy. Plus I don't even understand what the project is fucking about!? I've never done this shit
I then hear roars of laughter and tell my friend I'll call him back. I turn up my volume and hear our Vice President say "You know Doublethink1990 you're really making note taking way more stressful than it needs to be."
I was mortified. He was really nice about it and everyone else all just laughed it off and made it seem like it was ok. But I know I will forever catch hell about that call through the remainder of my carrier there. Not looking forward to our first meet up.
**TL;DR** Dropped multiple cuss words on a conference call with very high ranking people in my company, said I had no damn clue what I was doing, and talked about partying and getting drunk. The first meet up may be weird.
kirigherkins: Who knows, maybe they all loved how you lightened the mood?
DoubleThink1990: ....I really hope so. I'd completely agree if it was people on my level. But there were people my level, a little above me, and WAY above me. That's what makes me scared
kirigherkins: "ooh arr, takes me back to when I was young and didn't know what I was doing! gahaha!"
...trying real hard to stay positive lol
DoubleThink1990: Ha I appreciate it. Hoping it just breezes over
| 5 | 14.8 | |
1409788261 | 1409899139 | t3_2femf0 | t5_2to41 | 160 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my girlfriend detail my car while I was at work.
So last week, my girlfriend was staying at her friends house and his grandparents found weed in the house. He blamed it on her and she had to move out with nowhere to go. So I suggest she stay with me until she gets one her feet. And it was amazing. We had so much fun and it was never a dull moment. Then yesterday she says she wants to detail my Evo for me and also install and alarm. Which is awesome cause it would save me money. So before work I give her my keys so she could work on it. I get home from work 10 hours later and she is still gone. I send her a text and she says she is still working on it and is almost done. An hour later I call her to see where she's at and she says she is leaving in about 10 minutes. Nothing after that. No text, no phone call, not even a Facebook like. I figure it's late and her phone died and she crashed on a friends couch for the night. Today I wake up and start calling her. Still no response. I call her best friend and ask if she has heard from her. I inform her of what's going on so she helps out by trying to contact her. We both got nothing. Now I get to feel like a dick and file a police report. Can this also be a FML?
Edit: I finally got ahold of her. The jacks gave out as she was putting the tires on and crushed her arm and was passed out for awhile. She went to the hospital not too long ago but she didn't know which one. Unless she really is playing my like a lot of you say.
Nothing of value was gone and there is quite a bit in my house. So I really doubt she ran of with the car
Update: Since yall keep asking for an update.
I was at work all night yesterday and just got up a few hours ago.
She was trying to surprise me by installing a clutch and change my brake pads for me when the lift came down. Her arm isn't too bad. I didn't bother asking her why she waited to go to the hospital or not call me. I didn't care I was just happy to see her. That's all I feel like talking about. I'm not gonna update this anymore.
http://imgur.com/YHRnld7
http://imgur.com/UYtbIGD
Pics of my car for those who asked.
domlang: Since when do women know how to install a car alarm?!
dreams_of_ants: Since when do cavemen use the internet?
firstoddity: Considering the jacks gave out while she was putting the tires on, I'd say it was a pretty accurate comment.. And i'm a girl. I was pretty surprised when he said his g/f was installing the alarm. I'm good with my car, but I still wouldn't touch that without a guy that knows what he's doing being there to help.
I'd say wife her though just for the effort
dreams_of_ants: Its not accurate at all. Shit can fail, misstakes can be made. Its not always ineptitude that causes it, sometimes its just plain old arrogance. I wouldnt call you good with your car if you arent confident enough to touch your car without having a strong man that knows what he is doing being there to hold your hand, but thats not because of you being a girl.
Special_McSpecialton: The big question I (and others) have is why was the car on jacks for a car alarm install and/or detailing?
I'm a woman who is mechanically knowledgeable, but I wouldn't mess with the electrical system unless I had someone around who knew what they were doing. My brother is a mechanic who can change a transmission like Ralphie's dad in Christmas Story can change a fuse, but I have never known him to use a jack when he was by himself and/or unlikely to be quickly discovered in the event of misadventure.
dreams_of_ants: I disregarded that detail and chose to believe that the car needed to be on a jack "for some reason" for arguments sake. I dont know OP's gf, maybe she was changing tires, fixing his brakes or whatever. The story seems like bullshit but I reacted to the "Since when do women know how to install a car alarm?!" comment.
| 7 | 22.857143 | |
1409789490 | 1409953501 | t3_2feoep | t5_2to41 | 721 | uteruinestench: TIFUpdate: TIFU by letting my boyfriend finger me.
[Here is my previous post.] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fc62m/tifu_by_letting_my_boyfriend_finger_me/)
Don't continue reading if you want to keep the menstrual magic alive.
I have been cackling at the responses to my earlier thread for most of the past 18 hours. I was a little too shy to respond to individual comments, so I am just going to answer many questions at once. Here is some long-winded background information that will not be of interest many:
I thought I'd die of TSS too, but turns out I was totally fine. I guess it just smelled like I had been dead for weeks. I must have an iron vagina. I didn't use my menstrual cup again after that, half to help cure my boyfriend's PTSD and half because it had the lingering stench of eviscerated bodies. That he enjoys eating me out again is probably proof that he's better now, so there's hope for the ladies who have fucked up like me.
I have a few reasons why my cup was left in so long.
- My boyfriend was away for part of that time, and when he returned, I let him know I was on my period and so we delayed sex. I sort of was on my period, too - the hole in the bottom of my menstrual cup had been leaking small amounts of foul brown fluid starting about 24 hours after I had put it in. I had chalked it up to crazy hormones. By the time it was the last night, I decided to try having sex anyways in the hopes that the flow had faded out and my two-week "period" had ended.
- The cup I selected is actually was a pretty small one, because I have a small frame and hadn't given birth. It was comfortable to the point where I didn't feel it. I had accidentally trimmed the poky stem on the bottom with scissors to be too short, so it would sometimes take me 10 minutes/broken nail to take out the small cup. This inconvenience which is why I ignorantly requested my boyfriend's aid in removing it.
- I generally don't put my fingers inside myself, but if I had, I wouldn't have been able to reach the bottom of the cup very easily anyways.
- As a matter of fact, I come from a distinguished line of stupid. Seriously, my family has a genetic history of forgetfulness. Not that it can excuse pungent brown uterine broccoli, but maybe it can help you understand. I was the kind of kid whose parents forgot her often and the kind of woman who frequently lost things. If you are like me, I recommend a lanyard and a well-updated calendar. Not quite Alzheimers, but that runs in the family too. Go figure.
My transitions from outdoors to indoors to bathroom happened a little quickly for some in my abbreviated post. Let me put it in sequence for you.
1. While we are outdoors, boyfriend scents the sewage stench. Instinctively, boyfriend runs to the bathroom in my house, (even though we are wild deer and the forest is also our bathroom.)
2. I freak out, and throw my disgusting menstrual cup and fluid into the bushes. Which was actually a great idea, since it meant the smell didn't get all over my house.
3. I wash the nasty off my thighs. I take about 2 minutes to soap everything down. He returns to the bathroom to wash his hands again.
4. Massive queef-tastrophe - just when he thinks he's clean, my vagina explodes. The brown chunks that miss his leg splatter onto the floor then bounce back onto and under his feet.
5. He washes up briefly and goes home, apologizing. I don't blame him at all.
6. We had a fond farewell the next afternoon, but did not bring up the incident for months. We briefly laughed about it a few months later, but haven't talked about it in a very long time. Perhaps ironically, I had forgotten about it too until yesterday.
This actually happened a while ago. We are still together. He is a keeper. Moral of the story: Life can be gross sometimes, especially if you leave your menstrual cup in for 14 days. But at least I turned my pain into something beautiful.
I'll let you guys know when my novel gets published. Here's hoping broccoli owners and menstrual cup companies everywhere don't send me too much hate mail. If you puked/spilled on anything electronic, try putting it in rice for a while.
robotortoise: This will someday be told along with legends like the Jolly Rancher. Op, you are a legend.
lonelyteddybear: Can thou send me the jolly rancher thing my curiosity is making my ears itch
st_smashing: Nope. The thought of that store still makes me gag. I haven't had a jolly rancher since.
lonelyteddybear: Oh the thing where he snacked on pus chunks?
st_smashing: Ugh. I just vomitted a little. Gives me the heebie jeebies.
lonelyteddybear: Haha best way to get over that is looked at fucked up shit everyday and just get more fucked up every day until you look at something like that and just smile because hell you've seen worse
st_smashing: I think for me, the jolly rancher is the worst because pus is so unbelievably gross, but brown rotted uterine filth doesn't bother me as much. This tifu was pretty hilarious.
lonelyteddybear: The main cringe for the gonorrhea is the fact its gonorrhea in your mouth and that's contagious haha have you read the cottage cheese pussy one
st_smashing: Nope. At least I don't think so. Something tells me I would remember.
lonelyteddybear: Oh man that one is rank haha
st_smashing: I was hoping you would link it. When I get home I'll have to search for it.
lonelyteddybear: Oh I'm sorry man give me a sec
| 13 | 55.461538 | |
1409788550 | 1409846601 | t3_2femun | t5_2to41 | 5 | sekathon: Tifu by eating
Sometimes at night i sneaks downstairs when mum doesnt know and I grab myself an apple. And then i make toast. Then chocolate. It is a nevereding feeling of the NEED TO CONSUME. I CAN'T PURGE MY HUNGER AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I NEED TO CONSUME. WE HAVE NO FOOD AND MUM THINKS WE'VE BEEN ROBBED. i can't tell her what i've done.
Opticalgangbang: She knows it's you, but she doesn't want to make her fat little baby feel embarrassed
sekathon: UPDATE: she won't let me have water because i ate the kitkats
ELiMAC85: KitKat> Water
sekathon: she took my kitkat
| 5 | 1 | |
1409790053 | 1409794677 | t3_2fepci | t5_2to41 | 9 | Deathiaz: TIFU by being obnoxious at night, when everyone in my class is probably sleeping.
Nope not today, 6th grade actually.
My school in 6th grade it used to go on field trips a lot. like 7th grade there was a detroit science museum visit, and 8th grade Cedar Point, but for 6th grade it is the best, go from Michigan Genesee County, to Chicago. it was a LONG trip and our bus was ok it had about 3 tvs per strip of seating spaced out, so it was bearable, until the night when we were coming back to school. Around this time i remember a brand of chips called Jengos and in the commercial all the people were yelling the name. it was decently funny.
On the bus ride back it was night time and everyone was asleep and a chaperone thats actually a staff member that took place of a different person , was just perusing around making sure nothing stupid like affection or anything was happening, and i was sitting next to my best friend , we will call him E . E was a really silly guy who did really well on his school work, and we were pals since about 3rd-4th grade. well, he was up and tried getting my attention and tapped my shoulder. I instantly, no thought no nothing screamed JENGOS. I about pissed myself when the chaperone got superbly irate.
She starts asking who did that and why they were stupid yada ydada yada, and my pal E helps me out . He says "Well it couldn't have been Deathiaz, because he is asleep and i can't seen to wake him up hes so knocked out." and i about orgasmed with relief. I still thank him to this day for doing what he did. He probably saved me from suspension. and it was night time so , no one could've seen me move or analyzed the voice cause everyone was pretty sleepy.
tl;dr a lot of people were sleeping on bus , i screamed obnoxiously pal helped me out.
errbodiesmad: Formatting maaaan
Deathiaz: ;c
errbodiesmad: Just edit it so it's easier to read
Deathiaz: And now?
errbodiesmad: Much better!
Deathiaz: Hmm ok, i see. Gotta paragraph it out , but its different and strange, because you have to hit enter twice to make a new paragraph. Thanks for the tip. New to redditing
errbodiesmad: If you haven't yet, get [Reddit Enhancement Suite] (http://redditenhancementsuite.com/). Will make browsing much better, and there's some helpful tools for posting and commenting! Hope you have fun!
Deathiaz: <3333333 Thank you!
| 9 | 1 | |
1409789192 | 1410126703 | t3_2fenxc | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by stealing from a friend
I'm seriously crying right now...
I met a really nice lady last month. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I ended up needing a place to stay. She let me stay on her couch for a week. Then I stayed a hotel for a week, then she asked me to cat sit for a couple days.
She asked me not to smoke pot in the house; I did.
She asked me not to sleep in/on her bed; I slept on top of it. AND had sex on top of it.
I drank some of her tequila and filled it back up with water.
And I stole two THC lollipops and a cannabis chocolate brownie.
I am a drug addict; I am a kleptomaniac.
I did all this a couple weeks ago.
Today she facebooked me...
"I find that if everyone can be honest, trust-worthy and respectful... (Which does remind me of an issue you and I should discuss, in-person, sometime...) "
We have become really good friends. I always tell my therapists and boyfriends that I am a bad person and they never believe me, and tell me I'm giving myself a hard time. I see this as proof.
What would you do when confronted?
rod1g: The hardest part about telling the truth is telling the truth. Just be up front with her, admit you have a problem and be genuine about everything. Obviously you can't pay her back now but be sincere and try to be the most outstanding person she has yet to see. Of course it is hard but she is a person who gave you a place to stay for a bit. Repay her not in the wealth out of your pockets but in kindness. She probably doesn't expect anything in return (because she willingly took you in) so just try to talk things out with her. The worst that can happen is that she doesn't want to see you anymore, hey it's not the end of the world. But I highly doubt that would happen, she seems to be very understanding so as long as you are willingly to admit truth then the truth shall be served and you can enjoy being a person again and maybe become friends for life.
ohwellithappens: How bad is it if I wrote her a non specific apology letter saying at this time, its better we take a break. She has a history of letting people take advantage of her. It wad hard enough for me notntobhrab a fistful of weed. The alcohol and lollipop were cheaper. I gave $100 for letting me stay and $20 for gas money and helping me move. Fuuuuuck. I cant do this face to face but I do owe her an apology. #chicken #coward?
rod1g: > I cant do this face to face but I do owe her an apology. #chicken #coward?
It's natural to feel bad or scared to face her confrontation. If you are truly sorry then you'll have to muster up the courage at some point to talk to her. It's better to talk to her face to face sooner rather than later. If you try to avoid her and not speak to her, it probably means you aren't as sorry as you say you are. Instead of saying you don't want to take advantage of her, become her friend. Show her what it is like to care for some one and apologize the right way. Anyways, good luck to you. Hope you and your friend don't lose contact forever. Make things work and update me soon. Best of wishes.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409792921 | 1409793387 | t3_2feu50 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking too much weed and passing out at my local mall
So a couple of years ago a friend and I from my high school lacrosse team were chilling on the roof of a mall parking garage. We were planning on smoking a couple bowls and then going to watch a movie. We hot boxed his car for around an hour and I was feeling pretty good, so we left the car and headed down to the movie theater.
Being typical high kids, we decide to get food first and munch, so I head to the Arby's in the food court. Everything is going smoothly and I've just ordered my food when I start getting really light headed. Apparently I can get anxiety issues when I'm super high around lots of people and this was one of those times. I decide to say screw the food for now and go back to our table with my root beer to sit down and chill.
Midway through my trip back to the table the light headedness becomes unbearable and I essentially black out in the middle of the food court in front of EVERYONE and spill my drink all over myself. I was probably out for a couple seconds and regain consciousness to some random guy giving me what was clearly inexperienced CPR (my chest hurt like shit for a week). At this point I'm in no condition to get up, so I stay on the grimy floor of my mall until a stretcher comes and I'm taken to an ambulance. I was then interrogated by a power hungry mall cop asshole trying to get me to admit to smoking on mall property or something like that so he can charge me. This was one of the worst parts of the experience because I was fine at this point and trying to taken this angry mustachioed man seriously without cracking up.
I end up getting taken to the hospital (which was pretty unnecessary but I didn't really have a choice), getting blood drawn, and then having to explain the situation to my parents who are there to pick me up and take me home.
TL;DR I smoked too much weed and passed out in the mall where I received terrible CPR and was taken to the hospital.
rumpleforeskin83: You always think you're high. Then you go into public and realize you are much much more than just high.
TheDudeeeee: yeah haha it's always a rude awakening
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409790287 | 1409811575 | t3_2feps8 | t5_2to41 | 117 | tifubusboy: TIFU by driving home from school [NSFWish]
This happened about 15 mins ago, and it was such a terrible experience I feel the need to share it. Throwaway because real life.
So I was driving home from school on one of the busy streets in my city when I noticed my balls were stuck to the inside of my leg. Driving in this position is FUCKING AWFUL, because every time you change pedals you run the risk of pinching a nut.
Being the daft mother fucker that I am, I thought to myself, 'hey! I can just reach in my pants, unstick myself, and no one around me will have any clue about what I've done!'
So I commenced my grand scheme at a particularly long red light. I was in the left lane and the lane to my right was sailing by. No one would even notice. And if anyone pulled up next to me, they wouldn't be able to see in.
I reached in my pants and unstuck my sac from the inside of my leg. However, while I was down there I realized that I had to scratch. So I began scratching. I started scratching like my life depended on it.
This is when I fucked up.
I looked up and to my right to realize that the righthand lane had come to a halt. This wouldn't have been a problem had the car that stopped next to me been a honda or some small vehicle. But that wasn't the case. What stopped next to me was a FUCKING BUS. This bus' angle let everyone on the left side of the bus to see into my car.
I looked up and made eye contact with probably one of the most attractive females I'd ever seen, hands still in my pants. I stopped my scratching and pulled my hand out.
She just looked at me with this look. One I will never forget. One that said, 'WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU.'
I wanted to leave. I waned to get the fuck out of there so bad. But my light was still red. So I had to sit there, music playing and this girl staring at me like I was some sort of pervert.
TL; DR: Was driving home from school and had to unstick my balls. Scratched them like a fucking fiend under my pants and the bus next to me watched.
garveyboy: She definitely enjoyed watching you go at it. Put a missed connections ad on Craigslist, " I was the attractive guy in the car scratching my balls, you were the hot girl who pretended not to enjoy watching"
"
tifubusboy: I feel like that could be a really shitty remake of HIMYM.
garveyboy: Cue the it was a hot day, and my balls were itching for a scratch... and that, kids, is how I met your mother
tifubusboy: That's EXACTLY how I see it in my mind. Exactly. Well done.
pm_me_for_happiness: I still remember the blue balls that your mother gave me when we first met...
| 6 | 19.5 | |
1409793952 | 1409889183 | t3_2fevw7 | t5_2to41 | 221 | Throwaway_Cock_Up: TIFU By hitting a girl in the face with my erect penis
Okay so first things first, I'm Sixteen and like most 16 year old boys, I have raging hormones. The story starts in my English class where we are studying the works of Shakespeare. I happen to sit next to an extremely hot girl and we get on well. I am casually taking notes on what we are learning when she drops her pen down near my left foot. At first I was going to grab it for her but before I can even move, she's bends down, over my body to get it. Her head is right next to my crotch and because she is bent over, her too drops a bit and I get a grand look at her cleavage. To make matters worse, she can't quite reach her pen and starts making noises as she reaches for it. I try with all my might to keep my cool but alas, I was not strong enough. I feel the blood race to my genitals and the imminent boner occurs. At this point she realises that the reason she can't reach her pen is because I'm in the way so she quite angrily tells me to get up. I'm still stunned by the view of her chest I'm getting so without a second thought, I comply. I'm sure you can see where this is going. I stand up, forgetting all about my protruding sexual organ and consequently hit her in the face with it... Luckily she has a good sense of humour and promised me she wouldn't tell anybody about it but I'm still super embarrassed!
TL;DR Got an erection, stood up, hit a girl in the face with said erection
Update: So I grew some balls and I rang her. She picks up, I say hello and my voice breaks. Fuck. Not off to a good start. I thought I was done with voice breaks! Anyway, I proceed and ask her "Do you want to go to town?" Not the best way to ask someone out, I know, but that's what I said. There was a bit of a pause and then she said "Are you asking me out on a date?" I knew there was no going back now so I said "Yes, do you wanna go on a date with me? We can walk uptown, get something to eat, go Ice Skating. All on me of course" There was another pause and then she burst out laughing... Shit. My heart sank. I was just about to hang up in humiliation when she said "Of course I want to go on a date with you, I didn't get cock-slapped for nothing!" VICTORY! We went uptown, ate at an Italian restaurant, Ice Skating was closed so we ended up going to Park nearby and just chilling by the river but it was just as good. We ended up making out for a bit, which again was awkward for me at first because i had never actually kissed a girl before and didn't really know what to do Haha. But I had such a good time! My dick never made it back up to her face but hey, there's plenty of time for that! I walked her home, kissed her goodnight, she did ask if I wanted to come in but I had to get back home or my parents would get pissed (Angry, not drunk) :/ But overall, it was brilliant! I just want to say thank you for all the support you having given me! I would have never of taken the leap if it wasn't for you guys. Thank you so much! I love you all Haha!
vanderswag_: Did you get her number?
Arkvaledic: Op deliver!!
Throwaway_Cock_Up: Deliver what?
SirPremierViceroy: The Pizza! It's been 45 minutes, what the hell are you doing?
black_george: I actually waited over 1 hour and 15 minutes for a pizza delivery one time.... the puns on the box half made it worth it though
SirPremierViceroy: Pizza puns? What have I been deprived of?
black_george: Yeah! Just request them in the note section in your order next time ;)
SirPremierViceroy: Oh man I don't know if my body is ready for pizza *and* puns...
black_george: ok then just take it nice and easy, pizza, and then puns... and then shhhhhhhhhh, be quiet. no tears, just dreams.
| 10 | 22.1 | |
1409794981 | 1409796422 | t3_2fexkz | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my boyfriend I liked it rough
After reading this [post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fc62m/tifu_by_letting_my_boyfriend_finger_me/), and the many people saying that they turned gay because a dick could never be this gross, I thought I'd share my story.
So sex with my boyfriend was always pretty rough, but we both liked it, our bodies never really had a problem with it. I was on the pill and we had been with each other for quite a long time, we had passed all the medical tests and I had no reason to think that he was cheating on me, so we never used a condom. One night, one thing led to another, and it started getting pretty rough. Everything was normal, everyone were enjoying themselves until my boyfriend screamed his lungs out. He was on top so I raised my head to see what was going on and I saw blood coming out of my vagina. I wasn't on my period or anything so I got pretty confused, until I saw the look on my boyfriend's face. He looked horrified. The tip of his dick fell off. Now that sounds pretty impossible, but let me put it in context: After a really hard thrust, the skin and a piece of flesh of the gland ripped off because of the friction, I guess. Since a hard penis is full of blood, you can only imagine how much blood there was. There was a pool of blood inside of me, along with a pretty much big piece of flesh/skin. There was also blood everywhere on the bed. Even though I almost fainted from all the blood, that didn't really ruin the relationship, but the doctor telling him he could not have sex for a month pretty much did.
Ragecity540i: How does that even happen?! Normal?! Everything was normal??? I guess normal is a vagina so dry it rips your boyfriends dick off. Not normal at all.
yeah_its_mike: Right. Dry ass woman. Get some fucking lube.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1409794517 | 1409885287 | t3_2fewuh | t5_2to41 | 9 | iwrkatsbux: TIFU by telling a customer I was working like a slave.
This was actually on Monday.
Labor day rolls around, my manager scheduled me to work. Ugh, whatever, at least its time and a half. It starts to get really busy during the middle of the day, and a customer rolls up to the drive thru window. She ask me how my day is going, and i smile and shake my head saying "THEY'RE WORKING ME LIKE A SLAVE!" and once I look up to smile at her, I realize she's a customer that we've had problems with before.
She would call corporate on us all the time if her drink wasn't PERFECT, and her excuse was because "I'm a black lady and your employees are racist!! GIVE ME FREE STUFF!". So I pretty much got an earful on how I shouldn't be saying those things (which is ok, I understand, but man come on...). My boss just got an email from corporate this morning ..wish me luck!
Dimsml: Those negros can shut up, I live in a country where we had slavery during the reign of Empire, then we had Commies with прописка (Оne has a page with an address he's registered at in the passport. You can't move away from the city you are registered in. If you try, you are caught and thrown to jail or worse) and тунеядство laws ( An obscure term, but the gist is: you have no job - you are a тунеядец, either you accept the first job offered or you are in jail and you are made to work. You know, like digging and tree-chopping. In Siberia). Yep, no living off welfare, like sone guys of certain ethnicity do in America.
iwrkatsbux: Even though there's a lot of people that I think take advantage of the welfare system here, I also think it's because we make it so easy for people to abuse it. If my job didn't send her $50 every time she called and complained, maybe she wouldn't be so mean every time she comes around.
Dimsml: The problem is, that I honestly think that wellfare is a good thing, but uncontrollable application ruins the whole principle.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1409796978 | 1409846954 | t3_2ff0w6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Braindeadgenius: TIFU by trying to use reddit at school.
As almost always it was not today but rather Friday and I was at school trying to use reddit and I found they put a web filter up so I cant use it well I tried to get around and I was successful briefly and only briefly because the tech guy was there and noticed I had tried to proxy and get around it he told the principal and my teacher and I almost got expelled for it today the reason I almost got expelled is because I messed up while proxying and pressed a wrong button and shut down the lan network for the whole district so it had to be reset. At the time the only guy who knew was the tech guy but now everyone at school knows I did it.
brainwired1: Not doing so well in Grammar, either, hmm?
Braindeadgenius: nop.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409798348 | 1409838014 | t3_2ff38v | t5_2to41 | 15 | mrethridge: TIFU by redditting too much at the office
Because when I went to refresh the front page, it was blocked by the corporate firewall.
kirigherkins: A warning for those of us redditing at the office right now.
edthomson92: and at school
HanLeonSolo: I use my schools wifi on our student account. If they block it I'll use my data. They can't stop the masta!!!!!
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1409795162 | 1409802683 | t3_2fexvx | t5_2to41 | 14 | K-Hour: TIFU by pissing with earbuds in
At about 1:30 AM (it's 6:30 PMish where I am) I was listening to a [podcast](http://roosterteeth.com/podcast/) and had to take a piss. In a state of somewhat consciousness, I hobbled to the bathroom, phone in pocket, earbud in ear, and dropped trou. When that was through with, I straightened up, yanking my earbud out of my ear and sending the already dangling one careening into my own piss. My right ear no longer enjoys the melodious tune of Gus Sorola.
alwayslucid: I guess you can piss that earbud goodbye, then.
K-Hour: managed to stop laughing long enough to say thank you for that comment
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1409792891 | 1409823027 | t3_2feu2t | t5_2to41 | 3 | A_favorite_rug: TIFU I thought that a dude was a woman. (The other side of the story)
I was minding my own, while scrolling TIFU, never did I suspect I will be a victim on the thread itself.
I gone to this thread
I look at this pic of the woman.
I posted during moment saying I almost thought it was a boy.
I was wrong, oh so so so vary wrong.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2f4jgy/tifu_by_sending_this_to_my_ex/
LocomotiveSkullfuck: I clicked that link trying to figure out what you're talking about, spent 30 minutes looking at and reading about a dude with some serious cleavage, and I still have no idea what you're talking about.
A_favorite_rug: Ok, brb posting pic.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409793195 | 1409834542 | t3_2feum1 | t5_2to41 | 7 | who-let-it-rip: TIFU by drinking my coffee
I just got home from my first day of high school and stayed up pretty late for my summer homework yesterday, so I went to the kitchen to make some coffee because I need some caffeine.
Usually I drink my coffee black with two teaspoon-full of brown sugar, but instead I just felt like it needed milk. So I added milk.
As I was drinking milk, my stomach began to rumble but I ignored it because I'm tired.
Thirty minutes later I end up having to take a huge dump and just left the bathroom after being cooped in there for an hour. It is then that I remember that lactose intolerant runs in my mom's side of the family.
Yay for pooping!
edthomson92: get some Almond, Soy, Hemp, or Coconut milk (i'm pretty sure they're all lactose free)
steamedcat: *Hemp* milk?
edthomson92: No thc
steamedcat: Well I know that.
edthomson92: You sounded surprised
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1409800352 | 1409854581 | t3_2ff6k7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | SheZowRaisedByWolves: TIFU by...I don't even know
Setting: Tuesday morning. 8 am.
As I awoke from my slumber, I felt the grumbling of my tummy. The grumble of the hunger for the meal known as the breakfast.
I popped two toaster strudels in my toaster and headed to my garage to get a drink from the refrigerator inside. Seeing that I was out of milk and OJ, I grabbed the next best thing: Vanilla Coke.
I opened up that God nectar and started sipping my sleepies away when disaster struck. The door was locked.
I don't know why I did what I did next, but I did it.
In a state of panic, all of the memories of scary movies with doors that locked and usually a monster or demon came and killed someone, I started flipping the light switch.
Again, no idea why I started doing it.
I got a grip on reality and opened up my garage door so that I wouldn't die in my garage.
I called my dad to tell him what had happened and he was pissed.
"Hey dad, I kinda locked myself out of the house..."
"*groan* god dammit SheZowRaisedByWolves! How does something like that even happen!?"
"I don't know. Just come home and open the door for me."
"I'm in a meeting on the other side of town. I'll call your uncle to open the door for you if he hasn't left for work yet."
"Alright, thanks, bye."
Minutes turned into more minutes as my uncle still wasn't at the house yet. Even though he lived like seven minutes away.
With my soda can empty and appetite ruined, I decided that i had waited long enough and decided to try and kick my door open.
First I started tackling it. Then Butt-slamming it. Butt finally, I decided to marine style kick it.
I rembered hearing something about if you're kicking a door down, aim near the door knob. So I tried and succeeded.
*CRACK*
"Ah, fuck."
Door frame: gone. Door itself: fucked. Sense of ass whoopin' when my mom got home: over 9000.
My uncle arrived a few minutes after that with a key to the house. I quickly closed the garage door and ran outside.
"Hey, SheZowRaisedByWolves. How do you get locked out of the house?"
"I don't know, man. I don't know..."
He opened the main door and let me in the house and went on his way.
He never saw the garage door.
I went to inspect the damage and saw that the door knob had partially locked when I initially went into the garage (I tend drag my hand across door handles when I twist them).
I didn't even try to cover it up.
My parents got home later that day and saw what I had done.
You bet your ass I got my shit pushed in.
The strudels also burned.
TL;DR: Got locked out of my house, kicked the door down, got Jo Jackson'd, and didn't eat breakfast.
Pick234: wait..
you didn't give us the important part..
who pushed your shit in?
your dad?!--
your mom?!--
your uncle?!--
all three?! --
...isn't getting your shit pushed in another way of saying getting fucked in the ass?
SheZowRaisedByWolves: I'm using shit pushed as a way of saying ass whopped. Both of my parents whopped my ass.
Pick234: I know, but my mind instantly went to the movie training day.
the particular scene when the guys at the poker table ask the rookie if he ever got his shit pushed in.. lol
| 4 | 1 | |
1409798406 | 1409824191 | t3_2ff3co | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to Swim Practice and showing off my bare ass.
Okay... unlike most TIFU's this actually happened today...
After a rough week, going back to school and all, I (16M) was looking forward to going to my swim team practice and blow off some steam in healthy exercise, it's not like this is going to be some fuck up, right? WRONG! So this is semi-structured off season swim training, so there are people from ages 6-18 enjoying my schools large 8-lane pool, about 50 of us (boys and girls) there today. Now the fuck up begins. Towards the end of this practice we do starts, what are, if you don't know, where we go up, one by one, jump off the diving block and swim to the other end while two twenty-something girls/trainers watch and critique us. It rolls around to my turn, I bend over to jump off of the block and riiiiiiip, the back of my swimsuit rips open, not to my knowledge. (My swimsuit is one of the compression short type ones) I stop at the end, waiting for critiquing, while feeling up my behind, and realize that i only have one have of a swimsuit on. Girls my age saw it. 8 year old girls saw it. My friends saw it. Pretty sure my crush (who was there) saw it. One of the trainers starts saying "Umm..." but I didn't hear what else she said. I was in complete shock, as public nudity is one of my most crippling fears. (Isn't it everyone's??) I just see flashes, I get out, run to my locker, get my stuff and leave. Drive home. Curl up in bed. This happened about 4 hours ago. My towel and swimsuit are still at the pool. RIP towel and swimsuit. :(
I have a few pics of my suit if people need proof, should be able to post tomorrow.
Has anyone else had embarrassing public unexpected nudity happen to them?
cutoff_khakis: Damn, you are a gigantic pussy. It's your ass cheek bro, no one cares. At all. Not the kids there, nor the people of Reddit. Sack up already.
BenchoteMankoManko: Agree with this guy, anyone above the age of 10 wouldn't care nor find it funny
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409801811 | 1409806237 | t3_2ff8tq | t5_2to41 | 4 | NarcissisticBrownie: TIFU by going on a road trip
I FUCKING MISSED IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE I FUCKING MISSED IT! I thought a nice 5 day road trip down the pacific coast on labor day weekend with the girlfriend would be nice, and it was, until I got home today. I have searched throughout the internet since than only to find small pieces of this land mark occasion. I can't believe I missed The Fappening.
dr_pheel: If you scour Reddit, you can see that a large number of Jlaw and Kate Upton's pics are still up.
NarcissisticBrownie: I found three of Kate Upton and not one not so good one of Jlaw. r/thefappening seemed to be the most help
rob_var: Torrents are harder to take down just look up the fappening on torrentz.eu
| 4 | 1 | |
1409800203 | 1409901382 | t3_2ff6b4 | t5_2to41 | 17 | JJ0992: TIFU by smelling a beautiful pink panty [NSFW maybe]
So this happened couple of years ago when I was a horny 13 year old teenager. My older brother would bring his girlfriend home to do whatever they wanted while I would play Gears of War online the whole day.
One of those days they left the house and I stayed alone , for one reason or another I went to his room and into the restroom to pee. There I glanced into a beautiful pink panty , then had flashbacks (Porn , hentai , movies , you name it ) about man sniffing female underwear. So what happened , I fucking did it. Big mistake. After smelling it for a while I put it down where it was. I thank god or whatever deity is out there that jacking off didn't come to mind.
Forward during the day , my mother was getting clothes to do laundry. My brother is still out so I go to his room and get his clothes along the pink panty.
Me : " Look what I found in my brother's restroom" , me laughing.
My mother : " Oh yeah I took a shower there this morning and left it there" , laughs too.
As soon as I hear that something pretty much like this happens in my head : http://i.imgur.com/JuwKW.gif
As I said before , I am fucking glad jacking off didn't come to mind.
TL;DR : Read it.
Pick234: never will understand the desire to smell used panties..
mmmmm the particles of your shit smell so nice, I have a raging boner now.. mmmmm nom nom nom the taste! oh yeah...
you're basically one step away from a scheister fetish.
UGH! nobody has ever taking a dump on your chest before?!
JJ0992: Seems you have never watched old school anime
Pick234: I watch anime all the time, what does that have to do with smelling someone's ass?
Edit: I get that they do that in anime.. But I'm still confused by why anyone would want to do it, that's basically the same thing as sticking your head into a toilet bowl after someone has finished using it and taking a few good inhales.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1409802424 | 1409855512 | t3_2ff9pg | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU By spending $1500 of my father's money on internet strippers.
So, I'm going to assume that most of you people out there on reddit are familiar with the adult site "MyFreeCams". For those of you who dont, it's a place where you can go and pay mostly college students to do lewd things on a webcam in similar fashion to sites like "Chaturbate" or "Cams.com".
I discovered this site when I was about 17.
So at first when I discovered this site, I did as many of the users do, and just sat in on other shows in which other people are spending their money so I can get my jollies off. However over time, I became more curious as to what it would be like to have a "private show" with one of my favorite girls. So I did as any broke modern high schooler does and stole my dad's debit card information, and used that to buy $20 worth of tokens, hoping he wouldn't notice. He didn't.
Jump forward about 6 months, I kept spending my dad's money with reckless abandon, paying no mind to how much I was spending. One day, my dad freaks out because he goes to make a somewhat large purcase, and his debit card declines with an "insufficient funds" error. Long story short, my dad calls the bank, who then tallies up the strange looking charges reaching back 6 months and comes to find that a total of around $1500 was spent over about 6 months. Naturally, having a teenage boy in the house, my dad questions me about the large amount of money spent on online smut. I managed to convince him that I did make the account, but it was stolen, and someone else had been using it.
So... of course, the bank files an investigation with the FBI for card fraud....which could have possibly led back to me...lucky for me, there were no traceable IPs.
TL;DR Wanted to learn more about the female anatomy, got addicted, spent $1500 of my Dad's money, might have been arrested by the FBI.
EDIT: The $1500 worth of stripper coins weren't an all at once purchase, this was over the course of about 6 months.
EDIT: For reference, this happened about 2 years ago.
EDIT: Changed the story to make more sense, after reading it again, I realized it was a little misleading.
ACURA_NSX: They won't be knocking on your door anytime soon. Still trying to find that hacker that released the nude celebrities pics
misformalin: ""A Hacker named "4Chan" "" :P
ACURA_NSX: He must be Chinese!
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1409802448 | 1416267099 | t3_2ff9qi | t5_2to41 | 39 | rby623: TIFU by waiting for someone with 'Face Blindness' to come find me. Also, TIL that 'Face Blindness' exists.
I'm a tennis pro, and at my club there is a bubble with six courts, three on each side of basically a dark hallway (easy to see into the courts, difficult to see out). A few weeks ago I had a lesson ending at 4:00 and a lesson beginning at 4:00 on the same court. So, like I always do, I just waited for my second lesson to come out onto my court. He never did, but it's not uncommon for people to be late, so I just sat on the court bench for a little while texting. 15 minutes later, still no kid. So I walked out to the hallway, and there he is just sitting there staring at the table. I ask him why he didn't come out, and he just gave some typical teenager non-answer, so I let it go.
Today, talking with his mom, she told me he has [Face Blindness] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxqsBk7Wn-Y). So literally every time I give him a lesson, he's only recognizing me based on my voice, hair, dress, etc. His mom said he doesn't even recognize her! Woops.
zirbee: Correct term is prosopagnosia. Learned about it in a video game lol.
rby623: Yes! They kept saying that word in the video but I figured if the mom called it Face Blindness it was probably OK!
Kafke: I have it, and call it Face Blindness. The other word (prosopagnosia) is too hard to pronounce/remember :P.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1409800724 | 1409844935 | t3_2ff76e | t5_2to41 | 110 | Radgasm: TIFU by going in for a routine physical. [NSFW]
So I've already told this story a couple times on Reddit, but it was always a bit too late in the comment section, so I figured I would tell it again.
Anyway, this happened six years years ago during my painfully awkward first year in high school. Up until this point, I had never received a physical. The topic never came up and I, being the self conscious kid that I was, was not overly eager to have a stranger fondle my yum-yums, so I never brought it up.
This year, however, my family was switching to Kaiser Permanente and my mother decided it would be a good idea if we introduced ourselves to our new family doctor by having him grab on to my balls for a while. She set an appointment and about a week later I was sitting in the waiting room... With the **hardest** erection I have ever had in my life. I don't know if anyone else experiences this, but when I'm nervous, my shwing-a-ling goes into full panic mode.
So I'm trying to think this beast away while my horny 14 year old mind is popping up images of sweet double dudes (breasts) like no other. I decide to try to pee it out, because that helps with morning wood. To my relief it *kinda* helps but by the time I get called in I'm still rocking a half-mast. So I go in and wait on the table after the nurse finishes all the standard health-check nonsense. Eventually the doctor comes in and starts with the normal physical stuff. He was very nice and had great table etiquette.
Eventually he sits down and says something like "Now comes the part that neither of us like, stand up and drop your pants". I do and he rolls over and starts... you know *doin' it* and it is at that moment that I realize for the first time that I have an **EXTREMELY** ticklish ball sack. So I'm there, trying desperately not to lose it when he reaches a spot near the gooch area...
It's too much...
I jump...
And watch, as if in slow motion, as my semi-flaccid 14 year old penis gently slaps my new doctors face. I'm frozen, but good guy doctor handles it perfectly. He gets up, pulls off his gloves, tells me everything checks out, and shows me the exit. Needless to say I pulled my pants up as fast as I fucking could and got the hell out of there.
He's still my doctor.
Jeronimo654: 14 year old penis and a 13 year old mind. I smell bullshit. The whole story seems fake
SoupOrJuice13: Does the penis develop faster than the brain? xD
Jeronimo654: I don't hope so, otherwise we'll have an old man's scrotum in our late 20's.... I don't want that :(
| 4 | 27.5 | |
1409802313 | 1409806939 | t3_2ff9jj | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing with knives.
I like to make little clay figures, but since i only have one square (of white), i dont make them permanent for long. a few minutes ago I was trying to cut a piece off of a small circle i made while texting (holding clay steady with left hand and texting and cutting with my right hand). i was using a really sharp rainbow spring knife that my boyfriend gave me ([exactly like this one](http://www.swordsknivesanddaggers.com/assets/images/spring-assisted-knives-TF-509.jpg)) and ended up cutting my finger. It wasnt deep, by any means, but i felt like an idiot.
claymcdab: ...
minefat: I am not a smart person.
kelthalas4: Don't worry there are plenty more stupid people out there. ( ͡ᵔ ͜ʖ ͡ᵔ ) More stories please.
minefat: Trust me, school starts in about 5 hours, i will definitely have a "TIFU by not getting any sleep"
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1409798759 | 1409828458 | t3_2ff3y4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Jawnyan: TIFU by having a phobia
So today I really fucked up. Or more tonight. It is currently 3:30 am. In the last half hour I have set off a fire alarm, met my new housemates by doing so, and killed my phobia in a 1 hour battle. Let me explain.
I have a phobia of wasps. I don't know why, I just do, I've always been terrified of them since I was a child, and as a 21 year old man I still am. Now I've always known I'm scared of them, but I kind of ignore it and if I see one outside I just avoid it.
But this wasp. It crossed the line. It flew into my room at 2am. Whilst in the middle of a skype call I froze. I could hear this buzzing and I hoped it was a fly, but of course, it was a wasp. And so, at exactly 2 minutes past 2 the battle commences. The wasp has flown into my lampshade, which looks like this: http://www.luxurylighting.co.uk/ekmps/shops/luxurylighting/images/globe-paper-pendant-lamp-shade-350-oaks-lighting-26901-p.jpg
This made it a hard target. My first attempt to kill the wasp was to spray it with deodorant. But I was too far away and failed, pissing it off causing it to fly faster and faster inside my lampshade bouncing off the edges sounding pretty pissed.
So then I up the game. I pick up a shirt and some antiperspirant deodorant, which I thought would be more potent and thus a better wasp killer. A repeat of the first event occurred, apart from it flew out of the lampshade into the top corner of a wall. The corner, right where a shoe couldn't smash it's evil little body into nothing.
So the wasp knew how to play. So I start weighing up my choices, looking for corner wasp in a corner murder weapons, until it flies right at me. So I scram backwards into my bathroom (I have an ensuite room) and lose the fucker. Whilst I'm in my bathroom, it was as if the Gods themselves had sent me my own weapon to defeat this evil. Hairspray (it's not masculine, I know) was in there.
So out I come feeling braver with a can of wasp death to go back into battle. Of course, I can't find it. After throwing pens from a distance at the wasp it finally emerges from my lampshade and flies straight onto my fire alarm. Right into a gap in it where I can't easily get it.
So I bring up the hairspray again. This is my moment. The killing chemical blow. And I unleash all kinds of sticky hair hell at the wasp. It doesn't die, it instead flies straight back to the lampshade (much slower this time). At this point I was considering lining up another attack. But then it happened.
The fire alarm went off. The brand new, INCREDIBLY loud complex wide fire alarm. Went off. In every. Single. Room. At 3am. This insane racket even pissed off the wasp which started buzzing around again. But with the fire alarm obliterating my eardrums I'm forced to make a tactical retreat outside to follow everyone else.
Which is another point. I've just moved into this place (shared student accomodation). I haven't met anyone yet, and there we are, all outside, with everyone tired pissed off and confused. I consider saying sorry guys it's my bad but then I realise how stupid I'd sound. So I say nothing. And then I realise the hard way how accurate this system is. "Oh wait the screen by the front door will tell us where the fire alarm was set off" says one of the mystery flatmates.
And of course, it's my room. Everyone else confirms they don't live there, and suddenly all eyes are at me. "Oh shit that's my room I think". So now all my flatmates think I've been smoking in my room or something and as such I'm the reason they're all now out of bed on the street outside their rooms.
After a 30 minute wait the warden arrives, deactivates the alarm, asks me if I've been doing anything I shouldn't to which I give a firm no and then she goes back to bed giving me a suspicious look. Boy have I fucked up.
TL;DR. Wasp flew into room. Sprayed hairspray at it whilst it was on a fire alarm. Fire alarm went off. At 3 am. Woke all my flatmates up who I'd never met before. They and the warden all know it was from my room. Great first week.
Pick234: its not a phobia..
the little fuckers need to all be placed in a large barrel with snakes and set on fire.
Jawnyan: I really couldn't agree more
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409803903 | 1409822786 | t3_2ffbtu | t5_2to41 | 22 | Throwaway1142069: TIFU by getting high. (double TFIU)
Let me start this off by saying I've only been smoking weed for about 2 months so I'm not the most experienced.
My best friend (let's call him bill) was spending the night and I had a couple of grams on me so might as well smoke right?
Wrong.
I don't have a lot of privacy at my house so we had to go to the local Park (walking distance) and smoke there. When we got there, there was one car in the parking lot and a light on in the place where they keep all of the sport equipment. We didn't think anything of it (stupidly) and kept on our marry way.
We find a spot behind a tree that covered most of the places that could see us. So we lit up and everything was fine. But we were baked as fuck and could not go back to my house in this condition. So we go chill at a bench in the park until we cool down and hopefully my parents fall asleep.
While waiting there, we see that one car leave and think we are in the clear. Except when a cop car rolls through the parking lot about 2 minutes later. (that fucker called the cops on us!). So naturally we freak the fuck out and jump into a nearby bush near the street. We had no idea where the cop had gone and whether or not he saw us on the bench, so we had to flee. We end up hauling ass through a couple of streets and through a neighborhood running for our dear lives.
We both make it home, surprised the cop did not see us running though a 6 Lane Street. I was still freaking the fuck out though. So what would a 16 year old boy do to relieve some stress? That's right. Knitting. No, I choked the fuck out of my monkey. The only problem was I couldn't bust! I was still high, but that's no excuse for taking a whole hour.
When I finally feel it coming, I'm glad because I kept getting cramps in my hand. So here's the big moment, I was cumming! The only problem was that I was so high I forgot the fapkin. And with the upward arch of my dick, I came straight onto my face.
TL;DR: Got baked at a park, ran from a cop, came on my face.
claymcdab: Didn't see that cumming.
Throwaway1142069: Neither did my face
payattentionimsmart: And that's what I call, a sticky situation!
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1409804500 | 1410028203 | t3_2ffclg | t5_2to41 | 8 | TopEchelonEDM: TIFU by installing Linux.
Hi guys. This just happened, and I thought I'd share this story.
TL;DR I want Linux. I get Linux. I lose Windows. Oops.
So, I'm no genius when it comes to technology, but I am very familiar with computers and how they work. To the point where I am the go-to guy for computer help. In fact, I'm probably going to major in computer science, and see what I like within. Sysadmin sounds nice.
Anyway.
I've always heard how Linux was the operating system of choice for those who know what the hell they're doing. So I figured, "If I can find a decent guide, I'm pretty suite I can follow directions." I quickly decide I want a dual booting setup, where I keep both Windows 8.1 and Ubuntu (the particular distribution I chose). I test everything out before I install it for good, and encounter zero issues (except with Flash, but that's a non issue and not relevant), so I move forward with the install. At this point my success was almost certain.
Almost. But someone somewhere decided today would not be my day to shine. The installer, at it's designated time, could not detect my current OS. Odd. Cue an hour of trying to figure this out, and finding out it's not just me. A few solutions are proposed, so I try them, but none of them work. One involved making a small but important change to the hard drive. I follow the directions...except I selected the entire hard drive instead of the area (partition) I wanted. It essentially made all of my data unrecognizable. I panic and reboot my laptop, only to find that it doesn't detect Windows 8. It literally thinks no OS is installed.
At this point I knew I was fucked. I mean I backed up my files, but not the *entire system*. And I don't have recovery disks. It was gone. But, being in college, I needed to have a working computer. So I sullenly installed Ubuntu (it was on a flash drive) and wiped my disk. I held my face in my hands, and tried to convince myself that it would just be like getting a new laptop.
But Ubuntu works (well, I switched to Fedora), so I got that going for me, which is nice.
random_anonymous_guy: You don’t learn more about computers with out fucking up once in a while. It is part of the learning experience.
I used to fuck up my Windows 3.1 computer that my dad built for me for my 14th birthday. Nowadays, I run openSUSE Linux on a server and laptop exclusively (used to dual boot with WinXP), and know how to unfuck up my computer when I fuck it up.
TopEchelonEDM: Hi God. Mind telling me how to get WiFi working on openSUSE? I chose that distro and am now unhappily lost. If I can get WiFi working, I am switching back to Ubuntu for familiarity. Could you tell me how? I found the network settings panel and added my access point, with the scan feature to fill in all the relevant data. It's WPA secured, so I put in the password in the next tab, and hit apply. So it's added (I think) now how do I get it working?
random_anonymous_guy: May I assume correctly that it did detect your wireless nic?
When I had an HP laptop, my system “detected” my Broadcom wireless driver, yet the driver it wanted to use that was included with the kernel did not work with it. I had to download the right drivers from the Packman repo.
If the drivers are working, I just go through NetworkManager. This is a setting you change in YaST, and then run a tray icon in whatever desktop environment you use (I use KDE).
First, could you paste the results of executing "/sbin/lspci | grep -i Network" from the command line?
TopEchelonEDM: "No such file or directory."
random_anonymous_guy: O.o
That’s odd... Try just /sbin/lspci and PM me the results.
TopEchelonEDM: I went ahead and downloaded Ubuntu on my tablet and transferred it over. Burned it to a DVD, and installed it. Thanks for your help. :)
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1409806598 | 1409819427 | t3_2fffbo | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by killing a spider.
Not only did this happen today, but like 10 minutes ago (I'm still pumped with adrenaline).
I had just got home from work and sat down at the computer to do some redditing and drink a beer or two when my wife came in to tell me she was running to the gas station for something to drink. I said "fine," after which she just kind of stood there. When I asked what was wrong, she said "There's a spider on the porch and you need to kill it so I can leave." Okay, not that big a deal. I really don't like spiders, but I can squish 'em when I have to.
So, I go out on the porch and there's this tiny little thing (a little bigger than a nickel) sitting right in front of the door. I walk over, step on on it, and then proceed to turn around and jokingly give my wife shit about not being able to squish it herself.
Well, as I'm talking to her, I feel like something is brushing my leg (I'm wearing shorts), and I look down to see what looks like a gray(ish) stain on the concrete around my fucking sandal. It wasn't until I looked closer that I saw what it was: more spiders.
That's right, boys and girls. I stepped on a spider only to have hundreds of its fucking 8-legged progeny go swarming all over my porch, feet, and leg. Holy. Fucking. Shit.
p42o: http://38.media.tumblr.com/28320a4f4c00feb9cf2904a88f51d15e/tumblr_myn4nnNiIF1s02vreo1_400.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/GrouchyObviousArmadillo](http://gfycat.com/GrouchyObviousArmadillo)
---
^(GIF size: 1.65 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:459.04 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409798097 | 1409821147 | t3_2ff2tb | t5_2to41 | 3 | dicaparly: TIFU with a $10,000 typo
I work for a nonprofit that relies on sponsors to fund our organization, and we have a few major sponsors that provide the majority of our income. One in particular is a large international bank that donates enough to cover about 1/3 of the expenses of our main yearly event.
With that in mind, I had to type their name in a document which was going to be used for a voiceover script for the event this year. Unfortunately, I made a typo in the name and didnt discover it until now. The voiceover was already recorded. The event is in three days. This typo will likely anger them so bad that they walk out.
I now have a $10,000 source of income hanging on a single promise by someone who has no reason to keep it (other than his friendship with our organization) and only one day to fix it.
p42o: Measure once, cut twice.
oiraves: wait...
| 3 | 1 |
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