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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1409808483 | 1409809553 | t3_2ffhmh | t5_2to41 | 5 | Iamdefinitely18: TIFU by cussing in front of my mom.
This actually happened today, so I thought I'd share. I was driving with my boyfriend and my mom when I nearly missed a turn I usually take to get onto the freeway, so I said to my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me, "I fucked up." I totally forgot my mom was in the car sitting in the back seat, but I instantly remembered when I heard her gasp after my statement. She's a very devout Christian, like end-times-are-coming/"heck"-is-a-bad-word Christian, so she was extremely offended at my language. We spent the rest of the ride listening to my mom go off about my "potty mouth" and how detracting it is to hear a young woman curse. Not a huge fuck-up, but still awkward.
ThisPostIsShitty: #
Iamdefinitely18: Good thing my mom won't see your username.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409807888 | 1410535409 | t3_2ffgyv | t5_2to41 | 885 | [deleted]: TIFU by fapping to pictures of my sister
So earlier today I get a text from my best friend and told me he had the day off, and as a lonely unemployed depressed guy, I was happy to go over with him and watch some Netflix and drink some beers.
Me and this guy have been friends since kindergarten. We were enemies in pre-school but we made up and remained friends to present. We are both 23. He, has graduated from college and has a good job. I, am unemployed, living with my mom, with no degree. Since we've known eachother for so long, we are comfortable and trust eachother with anything. He's dating my sister, which he met through me. They have been dating for about ten months now.
So, anyway, I go over and we begin the Netflix-beer thing we do whenever he's off work and not busy. He obviously watches porn, and shows me pictures of porn stars and we browse /r/gonewild together. Some may consider him watching porn and other girls as "cheating", although he loves my sister and is just doing it for the kick since they don't have much sex (I'm guessing, he's never mentioned it). So he gets a call from work and for whatever reason he has to show up, due to some required signatures on important paperwork. He leaves and I'm just sitting there. I, being the virgin I am, decided to go for a quick fap while he's gone. I minimize Netflix and (I know where his porn stash is hidden) go to his pictures. He has pictures of tons of naked ladies. Some of which I have seen in /r/gonewild. They're all organized in numbers (001-024 I believe). I click on a random one, and there's this gorgeous girl with a stunning body. She has a perfect pussy, some nice round titties, and an overall beautiful body. In some pics she has a butt-plug in her asshole, which is a big turn on for me. She had a tattoo on her lower back and one sentence written in cursive along her spine (some tattoo of some sort). Bummer no face was shown in any pic. I was stunned by this chick's body, and I HAD to jerk off. So I jerk it. I jizz. It was a nice orgasm and a much worthy fap. God, I loved this girl's body like crazy.
So, buddy comes back about 45 minutes later. First thing I do is ask who she is. He gives me this worrying-look, probably because he though I disapproved of him having those pictures (you'll see why). He was acting as if I already knew who was in those pictures. I keep asking until he really starts questioning if I know or not. I tell him I don't know what the hell he's talking about and I just want to know her name. This next part left me paralyzed for about a minute:
"Bro, it's Claire. I'm sorry, man. I'll delete them if you want."
Claire is my fucking sister. THOSE WERE NAKED PICTURES OF MY SISTER. I act like nothing happened, finish my beer and go home. I ask sister if she has any tattoos on her. She shows me. It's her. Dan is the only one who knew about the tattoos. (My friend).
And reddit, that's how I fucked up today.
chiveon4: The way you described your own sisters body, even after knowing..is so creepy dude
mihaelaxx: That's the part of the story that made me cringe the most
Poops_McYolo: That's nastttty.
shivboy89: whats wrong with being attracted to your sister? this website has a love relationship with the LGBT community yet cannot tolerate a bit of incest?
Poops_McYolo: Can't tell if serious or not.
shivboy89: im serious dude
Poops_McYolo: Are you legitimately supporting incest?
shivboy89: yep
Poops_McYolo: Thats disgusting.
shivboy89: and a dick going in a mans ass is totally ok..
Poops_McYolo: So you're telling me you're pro-incest and against gays.
shivboy89: im okay with all consensual sexual activity...
Poops_McYolo: > and a dick going in a mans ass is totally ok..
Not only are you supporting incest, but you are also a hypocritical cotton headed ninny muggins.
| 14 | 63.214286 | |
1409808190 | 1409853752 | t3_2ffhb8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | perimason: TIFU by setting a rat trap
This was far from my finest moment.
About a week ago, I had noticed a big, black, hairy rat scoot into the foliage right next to my garage. While these plants are neither dense nor thorny, I decided not to follow it or try to chase it out, as I was wearing shorts and sandals at the time and the prospect of getting bit by a rat on the foot seemed less than attractive to me. Nevertheless, despite the fact that my neighbor has a(n unfortunately lonely but friendly-towards-the-neighbors) rottweiler and I have two dogs, myself, I decided that I should set a trap in or near the attached garage to prevent said rat from making any incursions toward the house.
The next day, I went down to Walmart - and found mouse traps. The following day, I drove a few miles further down the road to Lowes and bought a rat trap. In retrospect, I should have immediately set the trap upon getting home, as other issues pressed to the fore and the "rat problem" became back burnered.
Fast forward to this afternoon. Remembering the rat trap as I pull into the garage, I decide to set it in the area I first saw the rat and shortly do so. In the back of my mind, I wonder if I should have instead set it just inside the garage door.
The answer, of course, is yes. There was no reason to set the trap in that area, as I could just as easily have caught any invading rats inside the garage as where I set the trap (between the garage door and the trash bins). Instead, my flashlight exposed as I took my dogs out for their evening walk, I had caught a house mouse. (*Note: Anyone who is squeamish should stop reading here.*)
The trap caught the mouse on the hind legs and tail, breaking them to the point of nearly severing them. Later, I would be close enough to see bone and sinew and the meat of the tail. Although clearly in pain, it would not move, even with my dogs curiously investigating the smell of mouse blood a few feet away. Not wanting either dog to eat the mouse (or in the case of my black lab, *another* mouse), I quickly pulled them away and brought them back into the house. The walk would have to wait.
I admit to pausing, briefly, to research humane methods for disposing of the creature. Gassing it was not an option - I did not have the supplies. I also did not think I could not break its neck cleanly, given the circumstances. I opted for option #3 and improvised.
I put on gardening gloves, layered nitrile gloves on top of them, then grabbed a shovel, two plastic bags, - and a tool I call a "spud bar." It probably started life as a tool used to remove ice from driveways; it's about four feet long, is made of iron, has a chisel edge on one end and a spike on the other.
He struggles when I lifted the trap to place it on the first bag. I tried to do it quickly and gently, but I can't imagine that made much of a difference. The second bag went around the chisel end.
I reconsidered, briefly, when he twisted too close to the trap. For a few seconds, I couldn't have gone through with it if I wanted to, for fear of making bungling it. It may only be a mouse, but even a mouse deserves a humane death when I am the cause of that death.
Then it stretched out head first, as if to say it understood and was ready. I paused, only long enough to apologize and brought the chisel end down hard. The spud bar struck the driveway with a metal *TWANG*, and I pulled my instrument of execution back to see if I had managed to even strike him.
I note that I normally have abysmal accuracy with the spud bar, sometimes missing my intended target by up to six inches or more.
The decapitation was as clean as I could have reasonably hoped for. The head was still attached - barely - by a strip of skin, which I quickly severed with a second, less powerful blow. There was surprisingly little blood and no splatter at all. I'd like to hope this means the mouse felt nothing from that final blow.
I buried him in the back yard. But coming back around the garage, I had another *oh, shit* moment. The neighbors across the street had their curtains open, and the wife usually practices piano well into the evening. She was no where to be seen. As I put the shovel away, I realized that I would have been backlit throughout the entire execution process.
Reddit, today I fucked up...
DefJessard97: Don't worry man, you may have looked like a serial killer at that moment if she saw you. In reality you were doing the right thing, putting the mouse out of it's suffering. Good man.
perimason: Thank you, I appreciate it. I thought I'd screwed up enough as it was by placing the trap where I did and maiming the mouse; having a witness to all of that would just have made it worse.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409811896 | 1409884157 | t3_2fflc8 | t5_2to41 | 198 | plateletP2Y12: TIFU by standing to wipe (NSFW?)
This wasn't today but more like a decade ago while I was in bootcamp.
For some reason when I was little I would always stand up to wipe my butt after pooping. Don't know why I just always did. Also it is important to note that I would stand up and then turn around to face the toilet so I could then see where I was dropping the toilet paper after each wipe.
Fast forward to early adulthood and this habit has pretty much stuck with me. Never even thought about it, it was just how I did things and it isn't like you ever share a bathroom with someone to compare wiping strategies. So now I am entering boot camp, a place where all privacy goes right out the window. In the barracks I believe there were about 80 of us in one big long room with a bathroom on one end. Now when I say ALL privacy is gone I really do mean ALL privacy. There is no such thing as a shower curtain or even a stall door. It was the lack of a stall door that would be my downfall.
In bootcamp you are kept busy every minute of the day. Everything is scheduled including the bathroom breaks. So one day we are back at the barracks and told to go to the bathroom if we needed to. I have to take a dump so I head to the toilets and am followed by about 20 other guys. Now with a line to use the stalls and no stall door the people pooping are facing the people waiting to poop and trying desperately to not make eye contact. Unfortunately I did too good a job of ignoring the people facing me. As I finished pooping I stood up, did an about face, and with one hand spread my butt stained cheeks and with the other began to wipe.
I realized exactly the picture I had presented to the other men I would be sharing a barracks with as soon as I started to wipe and heard a chorus of gasps and not so silent "what the fuck man!" I have never been more embarrassed in my entire life and don't think I ever will. This is the moment my brain still brings up when it wants to fuck with me.
tl;dr: I wipe sitting down now
payattentionimsmart: I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't think I could ever wipe sitting down. I even tried for a while, after realizing that I was in the minority about 5 years ago. Standing asswipes= clean asshole FTW
BarryMcCackiner: How would standing give you a cleaner asshole? When you are sitting on the toilet that thing is isolated with the cheeks spread apart. As soon as you stand up now you have to part the ass like a stubborn curtain and then start wiping away. I've seen people do this in the stall next to me and I will never understand why anyone does it.
fingerthief: You don't stand straight up, it's more of a half squat so everything isn't all smushed together.
Plus dat leg workout.
BarryMcCackiner: My theory is that this starts from when your parents are first wiping you post-potty-training and that those people never thought to do it any other way. You are making it way harder on yourself, seriously. The toilet is designed to expose your genitals and allow easy access to them (from the front, in between the legs). Why anyone would forsake this and stand up and make what could be a very easy operation, to one of some difficulty. It really makes zero sense.
People are going to continue to do it, and I don't really care. But you are not using any kind of logic whatsoever. There is no reason that anyone can come up with that would convince me that standing is a superior way other than "that is what I am used to".
fingerthief: Are you telling me you wipe back to front going in between your legs?
BarryMcCackiner: Yeah.
fingerthief: I'm not one to judge, but that's gross.
BarryMcCackiner: I don't get what is gross about it. Easy access, toilet bowl is right there. Cheeks are spread apart. Maybe you are implying that shit gets pushed into the taint and that is the gross part? Well I would say that messy shits are messy shits and that you need to clean up all of it regardless. Not sure what is specifically gross about wiping that way.
Jrochks: As a woman, that's gross.
| 10 | 19.8 | |
1409812932 | 1410007745 | t3_2ffmfe | t5_2to41 | 85 | KoboldCoterie: TIFU by poking a hole in my ceiling.
This past Saturday, Andy, a housemate, was reading in our dining room, and called me in, telling me he thought he heard something strange, and wanting to know if I could hear it, too. I listened carefully for a few moments and sure enough, there was definitely a sound - a sort of light scratching - coming from the ceiling, in the corner of the room.
The room is not used often, and it's usually fairly dark in there, so we hadn't noticed until I started examining the area, but there was some definite discoloration on the plaster on the ceiling, akin to water damage. My first thought was that we had mice living in the ceiling, and that they were peeing in that corner, causing the discoloration. This is obviously not a good thing.
I climbed up on a chair and took a closer look... I couldn't smell anything unusual, which, I reasoned, probably ruled out mouse pee, but there was definitely something wrong there. So, in a moment of inspiration, I poked it.
I didn't poke hard - in truth, I barely touched it, but that's all it took - the area was extremely mushy (also lending credence to it being water damage), and a very slight poke is all it took to make a small hole in it. And then there were wasps.
I feel I need to take an aside here to properly set the scene. We aren't talking about a few wasps. This was a goddamn army. Wasps came pouring through the hole like an angry, stinger-laden tide. I yelled to Andy, who promptly vacated the room, and nearly fell off the chair in my haste to do the same. We both ran into the adjoining room and watched as the wasps poured into the dining room. Thankfully, they seemed disoriented and didn't come after us; they were more interested in exerting their dominance over their newfound domain, and being stymied by the windows.
We alerted everyone in the house to the developing situation, and after some very brief deliberation, I made a run for the car and headed for the local Home Depot to purchase an arsenal of RAID to deal with the insect air force. Meanwhile, everyone else grabbed some duct tape and some spare sheets and cordoned the area off. Upon my return, we lit some incense in the room (an idea gleaned from a recent, similar TIFU post - thanks for that!), and went outside to analyze the situation.
Wasps were teaming all over the windows, trying to get out, but unfortunately we had no way to open the screens from the outside. We did, however, find their means of entry - a tiny hole up near our gutters, which we promptly filled with two cans of pesticide.
Back inside, another housemate, Dustin, suited up in his best war gear - long pants, sweatshirt with a hood, goggles, gardening gloves, sneakers. (The pants were even camo print. They'd never see him coming.) He took the last can of pesticide and prepared to make a foray into enemy territory.
He fought his way into the room - thankfully, the incense had kept them mostly isolated into their corner of origin - and sprayed the shit out of everything, killing wasps innumerable. He took a few stings in the process, but like a true trooper, he pressed onward until he reached the hole in the ceiling, emptied the can into it, and used some expanding foam insulation to plug the hole. We dealt with a few stragglers, and it appeared that we'd won... for the time being, anyway.
As anyone with a little sense will, at this point, realize, there was a wasp nest *in our fucking ceiling*. This was sub-optimal for a number of reasons, and would have to be dealt with... obviously plugging the hole is not a permanent solution. We debated a few options for their eviction but ultimately decided that enlisting the help of a professional was the safest course of action. And holy shit were we right.
The exterminator came today, and emptied 4 more cans of pesticides into the ceiling before cutting a hole out of it to survey the enemy's camp. Dead wasps dropped out of the ceiling like sand through an hourglass, but still there was a very loud buzzing sound coming from further in. Cutting more of the ceiling away, it became clear why - the nest was absolutely massive. Seven layers thick, and a full foot and a half across, this thing was a buzzing fortress. The insecticide couldn't penetrate all the way through it, so he ultimately had to pull down a layer, spray the shit out of the next, wait for their armies to die, then repeat on the next layer. All told, he was there for 4 hours removing this monstrosity. As a quick estimate, I'd say we had 175-200 dead wasps littering the floor and windowsills by the time all was said and done, and that's not counting the colony of larva in that nest.
The scariest thing about this is that in the end, it would have been a bigger fuck up to have *not* poked the hole in the ceiling - otherwise, we might not have discovered this until the plaster had become destabilized enough that it fell apart on its own, dumping wasps into the room en masse onto whomever happened to be unlucky enough to be present at the time.
[Pics or it didn't happen](http://imgur.com/a/8oLGG)
horseface312: Make sure you replace the wood and ceiling where the nest was instead of just removing the nest or else they will come back. My boyfriend had the same problem twice
KoboldCoterie: Can you elaborate on this a little? Do you mean to actually remove the wood that's there and put new wood in, or simply repair the damage they did? (I assume they leave some sort of pheromone trail or something so they can find the nest...) I have essentially no experience with this (aside from the obvious recent episode), but I would absolutely love to keep this from happening again.
horseface312: You said it was yellow jackets? I could be wrong honestly, I'm no bee expert! But I read online that some bees will continue to come back to the same spot, but yellow jackets (I just read actually) won't come back as long as the best is removed and the entrance hole is sealed off!
KoboldCoterie: I believe yellowjackets *are* wasps! But yeah, they were yellowjackets (according to the exterminator, whom I'm inclined to trust on the topic)... so this is good news. We filled the hole with some insecticide foam, so hopefully that'll do it.
| 5 | 17 | |
1409812493 | 1409813263 | t3_2fflyf | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by having the most epic bachelor party ever, consequently destroying families along the way.
Let me start off by saying this is 100% true. This bachelor party was like something out of the movies. Strippers, hookers, drugs, alcohol, fighting, and just all around total fuck ups.
We will start off on Friday. We meet at (we will call him Tony) the house of Tony and his fiance. Who just had a baby like a month before. Craig arrives with me and we chill and wait for everyone else. My fiance arrives shortly after with a huge fucking basket of liquor. Win! Should've known this was a bad idea. Matt and Nathan arrive soon after and we set out on our way. We pound back Jim and coke left and right. Soon we kill the entire handle. We arrive in NOLA highly intoxicated. Every one showers when we get to the room. Our hotel was a block away from Bourbon. First night was mainly bar hopping and getting a feel of the town. Nothing too crazy. Hit a few strip clubs, in the first one I get in a fight with the towel guy in the bathroom. He tells me to give a tip so I pull my dick out and walk towards him. The mother fucker pulls a blade. I was swiftly kicked out. The guys minus me and Matt get BJs from a rundown strip club. We head to the casino and gamble. Matt wins about 4 grand. Gives me 500 and I blow it at the black jack table. Night ends. Nothing too bad happens.
Next morning. We feel like we were ran over by a Mac truck. We eat breakfast on Matt. And then do a little shopping before we settle down at a bar and watch the SEC championship game. We are devouring oysters and mixed drinks at an alarming rate. Its only about 4pm. After the game we walk the strip and continue heavily drinking. We end up on a balcony at the cats meow and start throwing beads. Matt went and bought about 400$ worth of beads and boas. We fucking owned that bitch. Hugh Heffner has never seen that many tits. Before we know it we are surrounded by 20+ people. They are handing out shots we are getting smashed. Two of the guys befriend two lesbians and we head to the strip club. Somewhere between here and their we are involved in a huge fight but we escape with our lives. (Also in between the balcony and now I called my wife and told her we killed a hobo? My phone dies and she freaks out. We didn't kill anyone.) FFW to the strip club. We are kings in there. We are making it rain. We are unstoppable. Balling out of control. This is where the fuck up happens. Tony wants to borrow my card. That's cool. He'll pay me back. I think nothing of it and we go back to partying. By this time I am beyond drunk. I'm surprised I haven't pissed myself. Me and Tony end up shutting it down. We walk out and it's daylight. The street sweeper is cleaning the street and people are walking their dogs. My best guess would be 6AM. Well Tony still hasn't had enough. He pays a homeless guy to take us to a strip club. I can't let him go alone so I follow him. We miraculously make it without being murdered. I'm still pounding drinks and it has to be close to 7. We have been drinking 16 hours straight. Long story short Tony pays a Mexican stripper/hooker to come with us. We go by the casino. I drink more. This is where I go black. I can't remember anything after this. I wake up at 10AM in my hotel room. Every one is getting dressed. Btw I had about 800$ cash on me at the casino. I put my pants on. My pockets feel light. I had probably 300$ in 1s stuffed in there from the strip club. Gone. Open my wallet. Money gone. Matt opens his wallet. Money gone. Everyone's money was gone. The fucking hooker robbed us. Turns out I passed out as soon as I got to the room. Tony fucks the hooker while everyone videos. Then passes out. Some time after that she robbed us. I'm pissed. We get loaded up. And head out. I look at my bank account. 1200$ in withdrawals from the strip club. Tony had got 1200$ out. He acts like he didn't. I get pissed. Fiance calls. Sees money is gone. Flips her shit. I tell her the run down. She tells me to get the money back. I end up getting all 1200$ back the next day. Still I'm out another $800 from the Mexican whore. On the way out get hit by a guy on a motorcycle. He kicks our vehicle. Nathan proceeds to ram him. He pulls a gun. We end up in a high speed all over the 9th ward. We finally lose him. The ride home is unbearable. Oh yeah all the money missing was from our wedding account. So my wife was pissed. Anyway I get home start unpacking, open my bag. 7500$ fucking dollars. I stuffed it in my bag before I passed out I guess. Turns out I won a shitload at black Jack and eventually got thrown out for being loud.
Tony ended up losing his fiance and child after she found out about the sex and BJ.
Nathan lost his GF over the BJ.
I cover for Craig and he is good. He's the only one I'm allowed to hang with now.
I'm not sure about Matt. Turns out Tony got money from him also but never paid him back.
I ended up getting married and still am.
So I broke up 2 relationships and lost 3 friends but have one hell of a story.
TL/DR we kidnapped a monkey and dressed it like a midget.
tbagman: Totally plausible. It's the details that sell it for me.
Especially tony. and the monkey. (unless the monkey *is* tony?)
[deleted]: I left out a lot of details. I just tried to include the most relevant ones. I haven't been back to NOLA since.
| 3 | 3 | |
1409814355 | 1409826194 | t3_2ffnoy | t5_2to41 | 15 | Brorly: TIFU by borrowing my best friends motorcycle.
So this happened a couple of weeks ago. Me and three of my friends were on motorcycle vacation.
We stopped at a dealership because one of them wanted to try out a new bike. The sales dude recommend a route since we weren't familiar with the town we were in.
Anyways, when my friend is about to test this bike (aprilia rsv4) I asked him If I could join him on his
BMW S1000rr(I regret asking)
He says "of course" (he regrets this).
So we get on our route and I let him pass me before a long appendix(?). I see him disappear and I think this is the perfect moment to feel the power of his bike.
it wasn't.
I accelerated up to around 170mph/280kmh and then I woke up at the hospital about to enter a x-ray machine.
Apparently I drove straight in to a roundabout, I hit the curb in (according to the police measuring) in 100mph/160kmh. I landed in the roundabout about 160feet away from where I hit the curb (50m).
In some miraculous way I ended up with 2 bruises and no broken bones.
The bikes is totally fucked up obviously and the insurance doesn't cover it, I bought him a new bike 5 days later.
TL;DR: tested my friends superbike and smashed it.
I apologise for the grammar and shit, English isn't my first language.
barryk013: Woah how long were you in the hospital? Doesn't sound like a crash like that would only result in a few broken ribs and bruises.. And how much was the bike? If you don't mind me asking.
Brorly: I came to the hospital in the afternoon and left around lunch the day after.
I was really lucky, my friend was sure that I was dead.
I guess I have good irl karma. Or at least someone upstairs who likes me.
The new bike was around $18000.
I don't mind, ask anything you like!
pcgamer99: which country is this?,and did you get charged or fine by police?
Brorly: This happened in Sweden. I will get a fine eventually. In Sweden the rules around motorcycle drivers license is a bit weired. We have a license for light, medium and heavy which is regulated by age. I only have the medium one meaning I can only drive a motorcycle with max 35kw effect. This BMW has 142kw (193hp).
So technically I don't have a drivers license for the bike. The fine is based on my salary and will land on around $2000.
I don't really know what charges I will be accused on yet. This happened in another police district than I live in so it will take a while before I'll know.
pcgamer99: dangg hefty fine but on the bright side no broken bones somehow and you survived at that speed
Brorly: Yea. You could say this is the most expensive vacation of my life, so far.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1409813870 | 1409816617 | t3_2ffneg | t5_2to41 | 29 | masterkittens: TIFU by enabling push notifications on the "Glow" app
So for anyone (mainly guys) who doesn't know what the Glow app is, it's basically this thing that tracks your menstrual cycle and will chart out your expected date and also useful stuff like when you're most fertile for if you're trying to conceive, risk of pregnancy, ect. It also will put cute little updates like "pamper yourself!" Or "eat a chocolate bar!".
Well, I downloaded it yesterday and was like "this is fuckin rad" and then went about my day as usual. Fast forward to tonight at work. I work at a pizza place and we have a shelf over the dough stretching table where our boss lets us put our phones. He's always been cool about texting as long as guests aren't around. It's kind of a routine with the coworkers that whoever is at the dough table will read the text for you if you are otherwise busy. If you don't want your texts read than you turn your phone face down.
I was at the bench (pizza making station) and my boss just so happened to be stretching dough for me. He's always desperate to fit in with us young folk so my phone lit up and my boss goes "OOOH! I'm gonna read it!" And I didn't stop him since I wasn't expecting anything raunchy or otherwise nsfw. This was a very grave mistake because my boss goes "Glow says 'perform your daily self-breast exam now- oh my god". All of my coworkers -drivers, grill cooks, cashiers- in unison go quiet and all turn to try and process what just happened.
I was reaching for the sauce ladle and got so startled that I violently plunged my whole arm into the sauce bin and then just stood there wide eyed staring at my 36 year old male boss staring back at be after just telling me to do a self check on my boobs. Finally I just pull my hand out of the big thing of sauce and scurry to the dish area to wash myself off and I come back and he's in his office. Also my phone was turned face down. One of my coworkers who saw the whole thing just shook her head and was like "that was fucking brutal to see".
I'm hoping it all blows over but for anyone out there I'll leave you with this bit of advice. Don't enable push notifications on the Glow app. Either that or don't have an open text reading policy with your coworkers. Ugh.
ImPuntastic: Maybe he went into the office to take Glow's advice?
masterkittens: That comment possibly just made the whole thing worth it.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1409814254 | 1409843468 | t3_2ffnle | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by feeding my new girlfriend bugs.
I have just starting seeing this lovely lady I've known for quite a long time, it's all been building up and we've finally got together. Great success.
I like to think of myself as a pretty good cook, and she is a big fan of Kraft Mac & Cheese. "Perfect!" I thought - I'll make her the best Mac & Cheese (I like to call it Matt & Cheese, because I'm super cheesy) ever.
Really, this Matt & Cheese is the bomb. three types of cheese, ham, panko bread crumbs. It's mental. Takes like two hours to make, the effort is worth the reward though.
So I'm prepping everything, I've grated up my [bigass pile-o-cheese](http://i.imgur.com/JgPCVBk.jpg), it's all good to go.
I'm getting ready to make the roux for the sauce, knowing full well I'd already bought some flour a month or so ago. I measure out my flour straight into the pan - bad mistake.
There's these little bugs in the flour, but it's too late to go buy more.
"Ehhh.. what's a little protein.."
I wrestle with my conscience - do I deny her the best Matt & Cheese ever, or do I go ahead.
I went ahead.
So I make everything up, never ever giving away my 'secret ingredient'.
As she's digging into my protein-enriched Matt & Cheese, "this is the best thing I've ever tasted!".
No shame.
justa-bloke: It ain't easy being so damn cheesy
TypeZ_Sonic: Applause
| 3 | 5 | |
1409815332 | 1409875708 | t3_2ffopk | t5_2to41 | 13 | OPPro: TIFU by trying to clean
tl;dr: took a laxative, backed up my toilet, cleaned up shit water for two hours, did not get laid.
I clean when I'm sick. Today I was sick and decided to clean. I grabbed all my toilet cleaning stuff, scrubbed the shower on my hands and knees, yada yada yada. I tried to get fancy with it by putting in one of those toilet cleaner tablets that turns your water blue. I did not realize (though in hindsight I'm an idiot) that you don't actually put it in the bowl and the reason it lasts 16 flushes is because it DOES NOT GO IN THE BOWL. Apparently it didn't dissolve fast enough during the day because I went to poop before sexy times (important to note I had taken a laxative earlier in the day because of my upset tummy) and ended up having my toilet back up with shit water. I tried not to freak out and cleaned up as I took buckets of toilet water to my outside sink, and then I made the mistake of trying to flush and overflowed it AGAIN. Well after fifteen minutes with the facking plunger, the toilet finally receded and I spent another 1.5 hours cleaning up smears of liquid poop off my tile floors. No sexy times ensued.
kirigherkins: this is amazing
OPPro: I'm glad getting covered in shit water pleases internet strangers! Seems like an easy route to karma...
kirigherkins: Something good had to come out of this whole thing, right?
OPPro: My bathroom is spotless now.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1409817770 | 1409829495 | t3_2ffqvb | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my boyfriend do anal with me.
This was a few months ago. Now me and my boyfriend had tried anal a couple times, he loves it but I'm not too keen on it, it hurts a bit and I'm very self conscious and aware that he's sticking his dick where I shit from.. It's weird.
So anyways I thought I'd be nice and offer for us to try anal again since it's been a while. So we do.
At the end though he pulled out and as I sat up I see a small bit of poo on the bed which must've come out of me when he pulled out. And he saw it too! I was so embarrassed, but he said not to worry and it can happen.
Long story short, he's not getting anal for a long time until I forget what happened.
Joker4479: [Bye](http://media.tumblr.com/7fb71cffb7ee77df420943ba10ffaa33/tumblr_inline_mtalu3KYcV1ruudvl.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/BrokenHandmadeBarbet](http://gfycat.com/BrokenHandmadeBarbet)
---
^(GIF size: 969.32 kiB) ^| ^(GFY size:180.70 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409817671 | 1409819978 | t3_2ffqri | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my face close to my FWB's butthole while getting him off. [NSFW]
Me and FWB were messing around, having fun times. I can't have sex for at least 24 hours (gyno appointment) so I wanted to help him out. But no matter how hard I seem to try, he couldn't cum.
We found out the reason a moment too late. He was blocked up, had been all night, and right as soon as he was cumming, he let out the nastiest, wettest, longest fart mankind has ever heard. It was the fart heard around the world. I'm pretty sure he woke up his sister in the room next door. And the smell, oh god the smell. It could kill a horse. I evacuated the room as soon as possible with the excuse that I was getting cleaned up. I couldn't handle it. Even after I came back a good chunk of time later, it lingered. I think it might be permanently etched into the chair he was sitting on.
I will never forget. And he will never live this down.
**TL;DR: My FWB's tried to kill me via gassing me. I'm sorry if it disturbed your day.**
platoprime: What is a FWB?
FunkItUpX: Friend with benefits :)
platoprime: lame
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409819432 | 1410647554 | t3_2ffs85 | t5_2to41 | 9 | NoxiousKnocks: TIFU by stating my fake penis size!
MrCrippl3: Would make it clearer if you had of said "4 point 10 million" inches, which is the same as 4 inches instead of 4.10000000 since that still looks like a small number :3 May want to fix gramma errors. Still funny though, have theoretical gold.
SirPankake: Hehe "gramma errors"
MrCrippl3: I just see the potential in this story, if only it were told better :D
Oh I get what you mean, I did that on purpose, I tried to be funny...
SirPankake: Please take your meds, gramma
MrCrippl3: Yeah I get it and did the "gramma" things to be a smart arse
SirPankake: I like that word. "Arse"
MrCrippl3: Australian way of spelling "ass". Atleast TRY to be a better Grammer Nazi
SirPankake: I just said that I liked it :(
MrCrippl3: Well I'm not letting you. In fact, you make me Führious.
| 10 | 0.9 | |
1409820677 | 1409905468 | t3_2fft97 | t5_2to41 | 25 | Admiral_Jawa: TIFU By having a blacklight in my room and showing it off before testing it
I decided to add blacklight-illuiminated posters to my room because they look awesome. The place where the posters are at is right by my desk and my bed is nearby.
Anyway, I installed these large blacklights near my poster and desk during the daytime and wanted to show it off to my friends who were coming over for a BBQ later on in the evening.
For the record, since I currently don't have a boyfriend, I jack off at my desk watching porn at least once per day.
So my friends, one of whom I am...enamored with but is straight... come over and we eat. It's pretty much close to dark and before we chill out and watch a movie, I show them my room.
I turned on the lights and damn it all to hell, the area around my desk and some at the foot of my bed was covered in splatter stains. It looked like a brutal crime scene if it was blood.
That was, by far, the most embarassing moment of my life.
TL;DR - Installed blacklight in room by fap desk. Showed it off to friends. Cum stains all over and around my fap desk.
kjwx: Photo please OP
jonesy0412: For science.
payattentionimsmart: Yes:
For Science!
whiskeyandtravel: DO IT FOR SCIENCE
| 5 | 5 | |
1409820962 | 1409859958 | t3_2fftid | t5_2to41 | 5,020 | OptsDan: TIFU By going HAM on a girl update
The morning after,
The sun did rise,
I looked below,
To find no surprise.
Penis in trauma,
Writhing in pain,
Dried blood around me,
Bedsheets now stained.
I got up and ready,
A piss I did need,
So I went to the loo,
But continued to bleed.
Now I was In agony,
Help I must seek,
My injury had stopped me,
From taking a leak.
So I left my house,
To go see the nurse,
For the next situation,
I could not rehearse.
The nurse said to me,
What is the matter?
My response was,
My dick is in tatters.
So I whipped out my dong,
And showed her my plight,
Viewing the damage,
Gave her a fright.
"How did you do it?",
I gave my summation,
Plowing a chick,
Without lubrication.
So I was silly,
And wrong to assume,
That I could have sex,
With a dry and tight poon.
The damage was done,
The outlook looked bleak,
My penis must heal,
Until no longer weak.
No sex for 6 weeks,
And no masturbation,
Devastated I was,
From this information.
So I sit here now,
Posting my story,
About this one time,
When my penis got gory.
Stay safe everyone,
Thank you for reading,
But now I must go,
My penis is bleeding.
___________________________________________
e: Thanks for the gold stranger, don't even know what it means but it looks cool.
e2: I've just realised how lucky I am that this happened AFTER the fappening. Silver lining.
kirigherkins: I love you
th4tgen: Slow down there, he said no sex for 6 weeks.
grrrkgrrrl: Not all sex will involve OP's penis.
perotech: Because apparently butt-vaginas exist.
la_flojera: The only way to have sex is by putting a penis inside a vagina until the man orgasms and ejaculates.
frakkinadama: I feel sad for your sex life :(
DCMFDOOM: Pretty sure that's a joke, bud.
frakkinadama: You know, I gathered as much. Was why I upvoted him. I was just hoping it would come off as a witty reply and I could reap the benefits of sweet internet karma. But now I'm just sad for myself. :(
Head_Wumbologist: This is better than the original response. I give you internet karma anyways.
la_flojera: It got more upvotes than my original comment which was sarcastic and thus not really open to response to begin with...
| 11 | 456.363636 | |
1409819685 | 1409862953 | t3_2ffsga | t5_2to41 | 17 | charcoalsky: TIFU by eating raw hash
My story begins yesterday, when I was sitting here at my desk and decided to eat a little raw hash. I think altogether I ate about 4 pea-sized pieces, not thinking they'd get me high (I've been reading up on eating raw cannabis lately, which is why I decided to eat some of the hash).
So I totally forget about it, then 4 hours later I'm still sitting here eating some food when I suddenly realize that I feel different. Fairly quickly, the high completely kicks in and I can tell that I'm getting more and more high.
So I was laughing at the TV, at every single line said. Even if things weren't that funny, they became comedic masterpieces for a second until I heard the next line.
After a while, my thought-tangents start to become really weird. Really deep, complex thoughts occur. Then I realize that I'm leaving my bedroom constantly and going to different places. Not good when parents are downstairs, and they're pretty anti-drug!
I lie down in bed and go to sleep, thinking I can maybe sleep it off. When I wake up a few hours later, my dark bedroom is warping like mad, and every particle in the air can be seen. It feels like everything is alive, although it's also an extremely intense feeling.
More concerning, though, is the fact that I can't think straight. If I think of something, I start to 'fall into it'. This really weird sensation of coming back to myself, and then realizing that I'm still not back to myself.
Very strange stuff. My heart was pounding for a while, and I just tried to meditate and breathe deeply throughout and not freaking out. Part of me was wondering if I'd lost my mind. I kept thinking that I was a piece of wood, or a power adapter, but that deep down I knew that all along, anyway?
So I'm freaking out, finally manage to get back to sleep, until I woke up just now (which is 8 hours later). I am still high. But the bizarre thought-process thing is more or less gone, which is nice.
I'm impressed I got through the whole thing, because there was a part when I was wondering if I needed to go to the hospital! Mental.
Alright, so the moral of the story is, don't ever eat raw hash and if you do then dose it properly. You'd be surprised how strong that shit is. I saw it all last night.
steezyvape: What food were you eating?
charcoalsky: Fish and chips.
steezyvape: I don't believe this TIFU.
charcoalsky: You know what, I wouldn't believe it either if I hadn't experienced it. Everything I'd read about needing to decarboxylate thc for it to be an effective edible makes me wonder what actually happened..
All I did was eat some sticky hash that really tastes like weed. I can't think what else may have been in it? But my friend sold it to me, and I would think he only sells legitimate stuff. Who knows, though?
Anyway, definitely one of the most intense trips of my life. Which makes this all the more unbelievable. I don't know what to tell you, though? Except that I understand why you wouldn't believe it.
steezyvape: Well that lends some credit to it.
I was put off by the insane come up time, typically anything consumed kicks in within 1-2 hours, and an empty stomach only further facilitates it kicking in faster, although eating fatty foods does give it something to bind with to be better absorbed.
But the effects you listed are rather incongruent with edibles. But I guess it is possible, if you have super low tolerances and if the hash was really high quality. Even when I got so high I greened out, I didn't experience anything like that.
Pretty wild.
charcoalsky: Yeah, wild indeed. I mean, I've not been smoking really for a few weeks at all, except a couple of joints at the weekend, so there's an idea of my tolerance.
I usually eat lots of stuff in small amounts as the day goes on. That was just my proper evening meal, and it kicked in right then. I'm not sure if it's possible that the heat from the food could have anything to do with it, although that's probably impossible. Maybe it was more to do with the fat, like you said.
I've had edibles before, and I got properly wasted but nothing like this. No tripping. No open-eye visuals. Complex geometric patterns forming in my third eye, in 3d too.. just crazy stuff.
I can't recommend it, though. The ego-death bit was terrifying, and I really was considering going to the hospital which would have caused a *ton* of shit in my life.
steezyvape: Yeah, ego death is a very intense thing. I smoked out a friend on salvia once and we way overdid it and he experienced ego death. Took him like 3 weeks to really get past it, I felt really bad. (Though it wasn't on purpose)
charcoalsky: Damn! I guess though, it's par for the course with psychedelics. It's not your fault, man. I think they're interesting experiences to have, and maybe beneficial in some way, as long as things become relatively normal again. I hate to think about being stuck like that!
| 9 | 1.888889 | |
1409822688 | 1409834940 | t3_2ffuxs | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by implying I had ordered Fifty Shades of Grey nipple clamps on Facebook
So a couple of weeks ago I ordered a Lone Ranger Crystal figure for Disney Infinity from Toys R Us. I got the card for it today to exchange for picking the parcel up at my local post office/newsagency.
I walk to the PO and do the whole "Hello, here to pick this up" schtick. The girl working there looks at the card, and for a split second queries herself on where it is, before immediately knowing "it's the ripped one".
Like a ninja, she positioned the package so I couldn't see, but she also wasn't hiding the fact it was ripped. I was expecting a cardboard box as most of my international orders come here in boxes, so was surprised (and dismayed) to see this in a yellow bubble bag (with the bubble wrap inside).
I simply went through the motions; signed, smiled everything like that. Put it in my bag, because I had to go pick up pizza.
I get back home with my 'za and immediately sit down and take the parcel out of my bag and take pictures of the rip, a picture of how easy it is to get inside to see what's in it or take what's in it, I ripped it open and took pictures of the bent plastic at the front.
I uploaded the pictures to Facebook, put them in order, and then tagged Australia Post, calling them drongos, and then made a joke about how I was lucky these weren't "the Fifty Shades of Grey nipple clamps I ordered", as a joke to highlight the privacy that may have been invaded and simply a lighter way of looking at the situation. I then proceeded to be serious, listing what went wrong with the parcel. I clicked submit.
I immediately started freaking out. I have liked "Fifty Shades of Grey" on Facebook, so people might think I'm being serious. I quickly edit it to remove the joke entirely.
Thirty seconds later I'm still freaking out and I delete the entire post.
I've got no clue how many people saw it, or if anyone from my family saw it, but I wouldn't be surprised. And no, I'm not expecting nipple clamps in the post.
TL;DR: I received a damaged parcel, complained on Facebook with pictures and made a joke about how it was lucky the parcel wasn't nipple clamps and immediately deleted it in fear of relatives thinking I was being serious.
TheThinMan34: OP's a jumpy one isn't she? Imagine if someone was standing behind her with a riding crop
Chattery: [* cough *](http://i.imgur.com/wgitQQR.jpg)
TheThinMan34: Well that makes much more sense then
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409818963 | 1409823605 | t3_2ffruo | t5_2to41 | 11 | OptimismIsFoolish: TIFU: I hit a woman with a cart today at work
Had an accident at work today. I was pushing a line of 4 carts, and some customer darted out. I didn't have the carts pushed together enough, and one got loose and hit a 75 year old woman. I had to write up an incident report. Security camera footage was reviewed, and my report coincided with it, so no disciplinary action will be taken. But I'm making sure that when I move a train of carts that I'm standing in front of it from now on.
I apologized and offered to get her medical assistance. She denied medical assistance, so I apologized again, and made sure she was OK. She said she was, so I left her be. I would have called a code white if she needed medical assistance, and got on the phone to 911. I tried to jump in front of the cart that hit her, but I realized that I would have to tackle her to get her out of the way, so I left it carry on. A 40 lb cart v. a 138 lb man, I'll take the cart. So I let the cart hit her. Yeah, if it was a truck going to roll her over, I would have jumped her, but a 40 lb cart will surely hurt less then me football tackling her, so I let it hit her.
Even though she was uninjured, I still feel bad about letting the carts out of my control.
[deleted]: U shrekt her
OptimismIsFoolish: I asked 3 times if she needed emergency services until I was sure she didn't want them.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409829032 | 1409880917 | t3_2fg0jr | t5_2to41 | 127 | shrek8me: TIFU by committing one of the worst atrocities to mankind.
I found my old Nickeback cd and blasted the shit out of it in my car. I realized what I had just done but it was too late. I felt dirty and ashamed.
Ianrathbone: If it makes you feel better, you didn't play your Lostprophets CD
Heetler: What's wrong with Lostprophets? I actually enjoy most of their music. :(
maniaxuk: Not sure if your question was serious or not but if it was this is why Lostprophets are now generally considered unsuitable listening material
[Iain Watkins Sexual Offences](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ian_Watkins_%28Lostprophets%29#Sexual_offences)
Heetler: I hadn't heard of that. As horrible as it is though it only changes my view on the band as people (or more specifically Watkins) , not as music producers. Does that make me a bad person?
Akela_The_Wolf: I think you should look at the full report before you cast it aside.
Really, rose tinted glass can't mask that shit.
Shame for the other guys in the band who weren't (as far as we know) peadophiles.
| 6 | 21.166667 | |
1409829986 | 1409830238 | t3_2fg1gb | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating someone else's Poptart
So I'm walking past some desks at work this morning and I see this Poptart left out.
Well I was really hungry and I left my wallet at home and couldn't buy breakfast. I just couldn't leave it so I quickly swooped in and ate it right there. Clean, easy, simple.
Turns out it was one of those weird 'Wild! Berry' ones that some people like. I hate them, they taste like someone poured washing up liquid over a cheesecake.
Ended up being sick and feeling even more hungry and had to go home and change my trousers.
tl;dr: There is such a thing as Poptart karma
degrees97: This is entirely made up, couldn't make it more obvious dude. GTFO.
Ianrathbone: ah well thought it would be funny, must be the wrong time of day
| 3 | 0 | |
1409830310 | 1409870605 | t3_2fg1s2 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Homeskewled: TIFU by not moving the plant a litter further.
Dear reddit, this is my first post and I feel it necessary to announce that I am posting from a phone. Please forgive any bad formatting/grammar.
This incident occurred yesterday, but let's start with a brief backstory. I am a full time college student, I work at a jail, and on the side I do lawn care/manual labor. At the current time I work for three different dentists that work at the same practice. I started with lawn care at their office, and have been working at their houses since then. I have been doing these types of side jobs since I was 12. By now you may be thinking to yourself "what does any of this have to do with not moving a plant?" *dramatic Law N Order dundun* We'll get to that, be patient!
Yesterday began like any other day, I went to college and got some edumicationz, and on the way home I stopped by the dental office previously mentioned to see if they had any work for me. I needed the money because the cost of textbooks is too damn high. I was in luck! One of the dentists wanted me to beautify his lawn. He was willing to pay me $40 for about 1.5 hours of mowing. I took him up on his offer and went to his place to mow. This is where the fuck up began. I should have gone home, done my homework assignments and played Runescape. Yes, I play Runescape and I feel your judgement D:. So I got to his house and began to mow the front lawn. I was appreciating the weather not being too hot. I live in Texas so sub 100 degree weather is always appreciated. I finished the bulk of the front yard and was getting ready to bask in my glory as the conqueror of grass. All that stood between me and my triumph over all that is green was this 10' long patch of grass in front of my vehicle. As I eyed my prey like a hawk about to take a dive after a fish, I noticed 3 huge potted plants that were in my way (3×100 =300, 300 =Leonidas, that makes me King gaylord... Half Life Three confirmed.) My initial thought was that I should use a line trimmer to slay the flora around these potted plants, but I decided that would add unecessary time to my task. This is where I made a life altering decision. I decided to move said potted plants out of the way, do a couple runs with the mower, and then move on to the back yard. Young homeskewed in his 20 year old wisdom decided to move the plants not far from their original home. (They were heavy mmkay.) I then proceeded to mow 2 lines into this spawn of Teemo himself, as I'm pulling the mower back for the third and final passover one of the demonic flower pots reached out and grabbed my leg. Perhaps this was revenge for murdering its grass breathren, or pissing on trees throughout most of my life. Honestly I will never know because all this plant kept saying is "I am Groot." It's at this point that I wish I could tell you I fell, had a good laugh, and that was that. Alas, not all stories have a happy ending. As I fell, my right foot somehow ended up underneath the lawn mower. I didn't feel much, but I heard a grinding noise similar to what you hear when mowing over a stump. I let go of the mower as fast as my mind could process what just happened. I take one look at my shoe and the worst of my fears had become a reality, I just just trimmed my own foot! In a brand new pair of NB shoes. SHIIIIIIT. Luckily, even though there was a deluge of crimson flowing out from my foot, I managed to quickly hobble over to the door, thank goodness the Dentist's wife was home. I asked her for help and she quickly carried me to the ER. I have since been through surgery, the only part of my foot that was damaged is my big toe. They managed to save a little over half if it so I will be able to walk again. Now I'm going to be even more asymmetrical... to top it all off, I am uninsured and have no idea how I am going to pay all of the hospital bills. Today I fucked up on a colossal level. I'm very scared of where I go from here and really needed to vent some of my feelings.
TL;DR: took the task of being the slayer of grass, grass has blades, lawn mowers have blades. Coinidence? I think not. The mower extracted its revenge on me for all of the grass I destroyed over the years.
I do have pictures if anybody would like to see. They're very gory though.
MrCrippl3: Could have been ALOT worse. Upload the pics for sick fucks such as myself :D
Homeskewled: http://imgur.com/XneauRC
http://imgur.com/H5sanc6
http://imgur.com/V9VFpgl
Pics for the sick fucks. I'm sure there is a more efficient way to post them, but I'm so doped up I cbb learning
MrCrippl3: Nasty man, what does it look like now?
Homeskewled: It's wrapped up. Can't see anything. Hurts like hell though.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1409831227 | 1409849925 | t3_2fg2qf | t5_2to41 | 7 | dick_bastard: TIFU by eating someones Poptart at work!
Normal morning, got to work, saw a wildberry Poptart just lying there on the floor, picked it up with me and ate it. Worst decision of my life. I'm writing this on the toilet cause i got explosive diarrhea. The asshole laced it with prilosec or something.
BlknTan99: Just wondering are you that guy that stole that other guys poptart from a more recent post?
dick_bastard: I wouldn't call it stealing, it was on the floor.
BlknTan99: Still that other guy got his pop tart stolen while he was in the bathroom. And it's like the Geneva convention up there it's like an atrocity was committed
edit: a word
dick_bastard: I wish i wouldn't have eaten that shit. My insides are still burning.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1409825394 | 1409834646 | t3_2ffx8v | t5_2to41 | 12 | leoclancy: TIFU by not remembering a customer
So, context. I currently have summer job working in a local amusement park in a small town within Northern Ireland. One of the requirements for this job is to operate the ghost train carts as they go in one door and come out the other, while allowing customers on. Using a operating desk, with three buttons on it, i am able to control when cars go in, when the ones in the middle can be moved up and when the ones that have just come out the bottom (with people in them) can be moved up once the customer has left the cart. So...When the customer comes out the bottom door of the ghost train, they are about a 20ft gap away from due to the space for the other carts to take up. Because of this I try to make them leave their cart asap to prevent another coming out and crashing into them, and some times i'll press the button to control that cart just a tad to move it so they get the idea to move out quickly. One day a woman comes out the bottom of the ghost train....and just sits there. It's a busy day, im trying to deal with a lot of customers, and I have 6 other people breathing down my neck trying to get on. I tell them I need to get this woman off before they can go on. So, i hit the bottom and shunt her car while she's only starting to try and sit up, she looks shocked at me. I do it again, she looks even more shocked. I start staring at her, implying "please hurry up. you're taking your time" and she slowly moves her way out of the car, grabbing the bars around her and slowly pulling herself out. The I notice something odd, a man starts hugging her as she exits the cart, as if she can't stand...and then I remember. I look behind me, and there lies the wheelchair she asked me to look after while she got on the ride. She said her husband would collect it after the ride was done... and in my rush I had forgotten who she was and that she had cerebral palsy. I felt disgusting.
TL;DR: I tried to get a woman out of her ghost train cart quickly by shunting it, I forgot she was disabled.
MrCrippl3: Had a similar experience today friend, commented to one of my friends that the guys struggling to get into the car looks dodgy, perhaps he is a thief! I then see the man walk away...limping dragging his foot behind him. Turns out he had a brain disease...
leoclancy: Today just isn't our day it seems!
| 3 | 4 | |
1409832949 | 1409852654 | t3_2fg4n1 | t5_2to41 | 459 | Friendlyneighbour69: TIFU by getting a blowjob [NSFW]
OK guys first of all, this is my first post on reddit and my first language is not english, so sorry for bad formatting, spelling etc. .
So i'll start this off with a little back story, me and my girlfriend are happy together and things like sex or similar are becoming almost daily.
But the thing is recently her parents found out that we have been having sex and they are totally against it and would probably chop of my dick if they would catch us doing anything.
Well today i ask her to come chill at my place to watch a movie or something because she's on her period. A few hours later she's here and because of our young hormones we get wild and furiously start making out. So after a while when things get really frisky she whispers in my ear if i want a blowjob, me nodding like a little baby say yes a few times and she goes down on me... Well it was awesome, best blowjob i've had in a while. As i'm about to finish i tell her to stop and almost push her off of my dick to avoid me cumming in her mouth which i knew she didn't want. so after i finish everything is good and i'm laying there all happy, but she just walks off into the bathroom saying nothing and i have no idea whats going on. First i thought it might have been because she wanted to "freshen up" before kissing me goodbye and then leaving back home to see her parents... After a long wait of about 10 minutes she comes back out of the bathroom and cuddles with me for a bit but doesn't say a word, i really didn't know what was up and ask her whats wrong, but she doesn't reply.
After lifting her head she shows me her phone which she has been playing on for the past few minutes and i read a note saying:"I can't close my mouth!" I kinda freak out thinking about what will happen with her parents, because they will probably kill me after finding out i've destroyed their daughters jaw and she can't close it.
After a while we decide to go to the doctor near my house and get her jaw popped back in which happened quite fast. Well but i have to say, the doctors visit was one hell of an awkward visit because i came along, had to explain everything, and the doctor just looked at me smiling and trying to maintain his laugh. Well everything ended up well and know her jaw is fine but im Pretty sure i will get no blowjobs anymore for a while.
TL;DR Got an awesome blowjob then dislocated my girlfriends jaw.
chiveon4: I've decided people say English isn't their first language to keep from getting railed by redditors
corellian86: Seriously though, reddit! I bet that at least to 30% of the regular visitors English is not a first language, myself included.
Volatilize: Honestly I think people who apologize for their non-native English write a lot better than many, many native english speakers.
SoupOrJuice13: All of this. I honestly do think though, that quite a few that say "English is not my first language" are just trying stay under the radar from Grammar Nazis.
Even then, honestly a lot of the people who you would THINK aren't native speakers from the way they talk . . . probably are and just awful.
Volatilize: yeah. I've personally never seen this, but, for example, if someone says 'English is not my first language...' and then tells a story about growing up in the middle of Kansas.... it would be a little fishy.
SoupOrJuice13: Just a suspicion I have when someone says that and has almost 0 grammar mistakes :P Of course, that WOULD indeed be fishy.
Volatilize: I for one really try to write well. Gotta represent. Set a good example. God I sound like my English teacher. This is what happens when you get old, kids.
| 8 | 57.375 | |
1409832883 | 1409884866 | t3_2fg4k2 | t5_2to41 | 31 | lucasrks10: TIFU by drunkenly having sex with my girlfriend and eventually finding "Nemo"
This happened a little over a year ago, but after reading another post that had a similar experience, I decided it was the right time to share my girlfriends and I "finding Nemo" fuck up.
My girlfriend, who is 10 years older (I'm 25 and she 35 at the time), and I work together in the same office. We had recently discovered that the spacious office next to ours was not only vacant, but also unlocked, and it made an ideal mid-work sex location for when either of us felt the urge. As you can imagine, lunch/smoke breaks were basically spent humping in the office next door, literally a wall separated us from our offices main conference room. It was awesome.
So my girlfriend shows up to work with black tights underneath a plaid skirt and all I can think about is sex. Something about tights does it for me... I don't know. We proceed into the vacant office, and proceed to do the naughty (standing up - her facing the wall) and out of nowhere I get a whiff of something awful. This wasn't a fart (hers are pretty bad), or even a dirty/sweaty smell... It was on a new level of odor that I had never experienced up until that point. I looked down and noticed some brownish stain had formed at the bottom of my shirt. I couldn't help myself and blurted out loud "What. The. Fuck." She too started to kind of panic because the smell is not only strong, but it's quickly taking over the empty office. This was not awesome.
As she did her best to squeeze together her legs to go to the floor bathroom, I sat on the ground of that office trying to understand what had just happened. Maybe it was the tights? Maybe they tramped in some sweat after she worked out in the morning? Maybe she murdered a homeless man and somehow stored his decomposing body in her snatch, the smell was THAT bad. She comes back into the empty office, it was noticeable she had been crying, and says she has called our doctor friend and that she will be leaving work early to go pick up some medication for what she thinks is maybe a really bad yeast infection of some sort. I agree and to make her feel better, I try to downplay the extent of how horrid her pussy smelled by making a Nemo joke. Kind of a "guess we found where Nemo's been hiding" to try to ease the tension and calm her nerves, while also pointing out that Nemo is a famous fish that smells like, well, a fish.
Fast forward to a couple days later, after some antibiotics and apple vinegar baths to rinse her area out... we resume our sexy time while at my house. For the last couple days there had been no sex, but also no smell. So te medication has worked! Initiate sexy time! Sure enough, everything is good up until about 5 minutes into it. Same smell, same mutual reaction - horror. Cue the tears, the confusion, the me reassuring her it wasn't a big deal (it was), and the occasional Nemo joke for good measure. The next morning my girlfriend goes to our doctor friend, only this time she wanted a full exam. Legs up, clampers out, the whole thing.
Meanwhile, I'm at work and notice that my gf (who should be coming in to the office any time now) has called me like 10 times and texted me saying "just got out of the doctors, I know what you did to cause this, call me now", which made me think "holy shit, do I have a fucking STD?!" I ran outside and called her, anxiously hoping that whatever I, and now we, have is at least curable. She answers and explained her visit with the doctor:
She explained what was going on, and the steps she took to fix the issue. Immediately after she put her legs into the clamps, the smell filled the entire room, to which even the experienced doctor was noticably grossed out. She spread it open, and when peering inside she discovered the problem. But she needed back up. So she called in the other nurse, who also was taken aback the moment she walked into the room due to the smell. She reach her tongs in, and pulled out a blood/sweat/cum soaked tampon that had been lodged deep in her for two fucking weeks. See, two weeks ago she was on her period, and we had gone out for a friends birthday party and got absolutely hammered. Me being horny and drunk, I must had ignored her warnings that she was on her period (I'm very much against sex while she's on her period, not a fan of blood) when I apparently bulldozed the tampon that was in her. She woke up the next day, hungover, and completely oblivious I hadn't pulled the tampon out before sex, so we carried on with our lives for 2 whole weeks while that thing was soaking up everything I put in it. The doctor explained that the brown juices were actually a mixture of old blood and her natural juices, and each time I went in, my dick was like a hand squeezing a water soaked sponge, causing the vile substance to squish out and cause such a harsh smell.
In the end, it all worked out fine. Which is good considering the doctor was very clear that had she not taken that out for even a couple more days, that a very serious infection could have occured. Death by tampon. But we dodged a bullet. There were no hard feelings, I (we) didn't have any crazy STD, she wasn't storing a dead homeless man in her crotch, and we ended up finding a little Nemo blood/cum soaked 2 week old tampon that gave us a memorable TWFU.
TL;DR sexed my GF drunkenly, not realizing she had her tampon in, which then soaked up blood, cum, sweat, and various juices for 2 weeks unleashing a gag inducing stench
tonefilm: What is it with ladies and their [cavernous netherparts](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fc62m/tifu_by_letting_my_boyfriend_finger_me/) recently...
lucasrks10: That's the one I referenced. Really makes you realize though that somewhere out there, this very second, there's some sort of object that's been stuck deep in a woman's meat wallet for days, just begging to be taken out. Read that in a Sarah mclachlan voice.
StratosBeta: Thanks OP between this and the fingering story I'm pretty sure I'm now gay.
lucasrks10: I have a suspicion that blood would be a much more common occurrence sexually in a gay relationship. Just saying.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1409833414 | 1409862130 | t3_2fg571 | t5_2to41 | 24 | PM_ME_BOOBIESplz: TIFU by having too many covers
So, today I decided I might try out one of those hypnosis "hands-free orgasm" audio files on /r/gonewildaudio
So as I got to bed I put on my headphones and tried to get comfortable before putting on a >40 min clip. First off it was fine, I was becoming relaxed, had steady breathing, everything was great, until I started to get hot.
Because I didn't want to "break the trance" I decided to leave it and carry on with the hypnosis
Fast forward 15 minutes and it is starting to get really hot under there, like sweating like a pig hot, but because I was convinced that the climax was going to be utterly bloody amazing, I decide to carry on.
Fast forward another 10 minutes and I swear to Christ it was like a volcano down there, but I was nearing the end so I carried on until it felt like I was just about to cum, which was strange because I didn't think you actually came from these things.
Just as the voice in my headphones was yelling at me to cum I felt a liquid start to erupt from the tip of my dick, but, it wasn't cum and It wasn't for a while that I realized I was pissing at extreme high pressure all over the roof and my bed
Finally i managed to get up and try to aim towards the door to the bathroom (soaking my work uniform in the process) and finish before dealing with the mess
So I don't think I'm trying that again anytime soon unless I need more sweat/piss covered sheets and clothes
Tl;Dr: go too hot during alone time, squirted my super soaker everywhere
PS: sorry for grammar/spelling issues, I'm on my mobile
Also I'm not very good at writing
Whobeyourdaddy: So you had so many covers that it made your crotch a volcano, but your super piss was able to penetrate them all and still hit the ceiling? I'm calling shenanigans.
PM_ME_BOOBIESplz: Dual streams are chaos indeed
| 3 | 8 | |
1409833457 | 1409856979 | t3_2fg59h | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting on a handicapped girl
This happened a couple of years ago.
I was standing in the vestibule near the front entrance to my son's school, waiting to pick him up at the end of the day. Other parents were gathering around and quietly socializing. A friend of mine came up to me, and we started BS'ing about the day's happenings.
About 5 minutes into the conversation, my stomach started to cramp up a bit. The feeling was such that I thought out-loud: "Damn, what the hell did I eat today?", so I started to step back into the brain fog that is my short-term memory and recap the meals for the day. It didn't take me long to remember that I had some relatively old leftover broccoli, rice, and chicken casserole for lunch.
I assessed the situation. The conversation in the area was light, but continuous. I was standing in a pretty wide-open area. Based on this, I decided that it was all clear, so I slipped out a volcanically hot, long, deathly silent & humid fart. I immediately felt better.
Within a second, the expression on my friend's face changed. She immediately realized what had happened and started laughing. She goes "AlpineYJ, you are BAD." Within 3 seconds, I heard some coughing directly behind, yet slightly below me. I turn around to see a girl in a wheelchair furiously wheeling herself forward - while simultaneously asking loudly: "What smells like rotten fart?!"
She was directly behind me, and my butt was about a foot from her face upon release.
Oops.
TL;DR - Farted in the face of a girl in a wheelchair at my son's school & got called out.
Jarbatalapus: More like handicrapped.
DeathAndRebirth: i lol'd
LeKa34: Did you now? Such a curious phenomenon
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1409831811 | 1409840451 | t3_2fg3dg | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking the wrong pill
Woke up at 5 to get ready for work. Half asleep in my semi-dark apartment, I reached for the medicine cabinet to take a tylenol for a mild headache. I'm currently sitting at the computer at work high as shit and realized I took a percocet from when I was hit by a truck in a car accident.
therealteej: like a boss
daroo10: That's the issue: I am the boss and I have a meeting today :/
theshotgunhobo: where's the problem when you are the boss?
this will be the best meeting you'll ever attend.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1409833983 | 1409836931 | t3_2fg5wz | t5_2to41 | 15 | matt23a: TIFU by getting drunk with familiy NSFW
This is my first time posting. My TIFU happened last night. I am an 18 year old who is a very light drinker. I am usually very shy and I do not speak much at all.
It was my mums birthday so my familiy(my dad, mum, sister, sister's BF, my grandmother and me) went out for a meal. I was only going to have one drink of wine as I had college the next day. I had that then another wine just to help finish the bottle. By then I was not compleately drunk but I was getting more talkative. My sisters BF offered to get me a pint. Being erm... less than sober I said yes. Along with that we had a bottle of champagne of which I had two glasses. At this point I was pretty drunk. We then decided to go to the pub after the meal.
They got me to order. I am 5 foot 2 and look about 15 so they wanted to see if I would get served. I did so I had a pint of Guiness (it was horrible). At this point I was very talkative and my mum who was probably drunk as well said that I needed a girl to erm... 'practise on' some of the familiy did not understand so I came up with the phrase 'girls who say yes' (I am very sorry). I kept repeating this for some reason.
This is not the worst bit when we were going home I was with my mum and sister. My mum used my drunken state to ask a lot of questons. The one I remember is whether or not I had any porn magazines to which I repiled I dont need any and I then asked 'is it better to see the computer screen or my cock'. She said that see would just leave the room.
When we got home I proceeded to sit in the bathroom saying i was in hell. I somehow got into bed. Now it is the next day my mum does not seem to bothered by everyting nor my dad, he did not bring it up, have not spoken to anyone else yet. I have gone off college and have been sick a couple times and I still have a headache. Sorry if this is a bit long.
TL;DR I got drunk said embarrassing things to my familiy.
Ingens_Testibus: I can't figure out exactly what you said to your family or why it was bad.
matt23a: saying cock is the main one my sister did not like it at all she turned the music up really loud to make me stop. it didnt work
Ingens_Testibus: Because you said the word 'cock?' Man, my sister is so freaking vulgar that if I felt weird about saying cock she'd call me a pussy.
matt23a: My familiy can be quite traditional especailly on my fathers side
| 5 | 3 | |
1409834876 | 1409889223 | t3_2fg6yu | t5_2to41 | 15 | jambawilly: tifu by logging into fb
Currently my gf and I are doing long distance. Right now she's in Tahiti for a study abroad program. She's been there for a little over a month now. We talk maybe once a week and only on fb chat. It sucks but were making it work. I deleted my fb long ago and made a new one specifically to talk to her. So yesterday I open my browser on my phone(i usually use the fb app) and i went to the inbox.
I didnt recognize what I saw. I was logged into her fb account. I do remember her using my phone to check fb and I guess she never logged out. So now im in her inbox. I do what any person would do, I start to read messages. Nothing bad or out of the ordinary, just her telling her friends about her Tahiti experience so far. Then I see it. She messaged some guy who's from Tahiti 2 days ago. Heres the convo they had:
Him:What up boo!!
her:did you get hard when I sand to you in spanish? dont tell anyone I asked?
him:Wtf!! when was that?
her:yesterday at carrefour
I dont wanna over react, but right now Im feeling preeeety shitty. and when I went through her tagged photos when Iim logged into her page I see lots of tagged photos of them posing for photos. Nothing too racy, but too much for my peace of mind. When I log in on my fb account using the app, I look through her tagged pics and I dont see those photos. So she's hiding them from me? Should I confront her about this, or wait it out. Since I do have her login on chrome, I should be able to see how this convo goes(as long as its over fb and not in person)
TLDR:loggin into gf's fb account, saw her asking about another guys peen. what do now?
Level8Zubat: > We talk maybe once a week
You call that a bf-gf relationship?
jambawilly: thats because she's in tahiti and she doesnt have access to wifi at all times.
| 3 | 5 | |
1409836272 | 1409885734 | t3_2fg8wy | t5_2to41 | 53 | [deleted]: TIFU by picking my nose at a red light
This happened about a decade or so ago.
I was single at the time, and (as such) preparing for a get-together at my first apartment. We were out of beer, so a friend of mine and I headed to the store to get some good supplies for an evening of euchre and booze.
On our way back, I was sitting at a red light. It was relatively late, so it was dark. I had a "sharpie" in my nose that had been bothering me, so I decided to liberate it. I did gross things around my friends pretty routinely, so I didn't think twice about clearing the nostrils at this moment. I started digging, and my friend just started laughing like a hyena.
I kept saying "Dude, what is so funny?" All the while, digging and probing at my left nostril. He leaned back in his seat to get below "sight" level & laughed even harder. The light turned green, we pulled off, and he didn't stop laughing until we got back to the apartment - at which point he broke the news to me.
Apparently, there was a car in the turn lane to my left with two *VERY* attractive women in it. They were staring and smiling at me for a little bit - until I started picking my nose. Their smiles immediately faded and turned to horror and disgust. They just kept staring, I kept picking, and my friend kept laughing - all until the light turned green.
TL;DR - Picked my nose at a red light, hotties watched
TypeZ_Sonic: It was a scratch!!!! Not a pick!
UncleJackdeservedit: What's the deal with boogers?!
Jrochks: They're basically face poop
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1409837759 | 1409898380 | t3_2fgaz8 | t5_2to41 | 1,586 | watching98: TIFU by trying out my new Aneros when my wife was out shopping NSFW
I am a 100% straight male, happily married for 2 years. Before we married my wife was asking me about ass play and trying to push me to try it. I said I would think about it and we dropped the topic for a while. She enjoys anal and wanted to share the pleasure. I was against it and I could tell it bothered her a bit.
About 18 months after we married I was getting really bad headaches. Doctors couldn't figure out what it was but my wide was worried. (this is important later). I was talking to my brother about it and he told me he used to get stressed out and get bad headaches too. He started to meditate and do "sex stuff" (i.e. prostate massage) to better relax.
I decided to get a prostate massager to see if that would help with my headaches and, as an added bonus, try to accommodate my wife's desires.
I bought an Aneros prostate massager and decided to get used to it to surprise my wife on our second anniversary. I would try it a few times when she went out with friends but didn't really feel relaxed. The directions say you should relax your breathing and meditate while you get used to having this thing shoved up your ass.
My wife left for an afternoon of shopping with her friends one Saturday and so I took out my toy, put in my ear plugs to play a meditation tape to help me relax and figure out the mechanics of the toy. So, I'm laying in bed, have my toy properly placed and lubed while listening to mellow music in a meditation tape through my headphones. After a while I succeeded in getting my first HUGE orgasm. I mean I am shaking and convulsing like I never have before- complete loss of control of my body. It was AMAZING... until my wife walked in.
So my wife walks in and sees her husband ( who has a history of bad headaches) convulsing under the sheets in the bed. She thinks "seizure!" and calls 911 while crying in fear. I'm oblivious since I have the ear buds in and am out of my mind with a super orgasm.
My wife comes over and starts frantically shaking me, asking me what's wrong and am I okay while 911 is on the line. She pulls out my ear buds and I am returning to normal to see my wife in a full blown panic and so I start to freak out because I think something is wrong with her. I jumped up out of bed to see what I can do to help and this look of "WTF" comes over her face. She yells "whats wrong?? what's happening??" as I stand there buck naked, obviously aroused and shaking legs due to my prior euphoric state.
Meanwhile, I am asking her what is wrong and why are you home now- are you okay. This continues for about a minute until we both realize the other one is okay... while 911 is on the line. I tell my wife I am fine and she tells 911 to disregard her call. Well, they can't because when 911 is called, they are required to send someone to check out what is happening.
We get our wits about ourselves, catch our breath and she tells me how her friend wasn't feeling well and so they cut their shopping trip short. She called my cell to say she was on the way home and I didn't answer. She came into the house, called my name and heard no response. She came upstairs and saw me convulsing in the bed (my super-o) and thought I was having a seizure (because of my earlier bad headaches)
A rescue squad and fire truck show up, come in to check out the scene and my wife explains she called because she thought I was having a seizure but I was okay. By this time I have a pair of shorts and a shirt on but am still shaking from the big O and the adrenaline rush. one EMT asks if I am okay, can he take my BP, what happened, etc.
I realize I have to come clean and tell him and my wife what I was doing. To his credit, the EMT maintained a professional demeanor and advised I be more careful in the future, closed his notebook and left.
Then the neighbors started to ask what happened, is everyone okay, why were the rescue squad and firetruck here, etc. My wife just said I was having a seizure but it's fine now.
We can laugh now but we still can't maintain eye contact with our neighbors.
TL;DR- Secretly tried out my prostate massager but attracted the attnetion of the Rescue Squad and my neighbors
EDIT: I read some of the comments on here and want to clarify I am not a shill for Aneros. I have no financial interest in their business. I just call it "Aneros" like I call tissues "Kleenex." There are plenty of other brands out there so please look at the others as well since they may be a better fit (no pun intended)
DynaTheCat: Well, time to go massage my prostate.
Free_Blowjobs: I started with external stimulation before progressing to internal. You should try that if the idea of sticking something up your hole seems scary.
But, really, regular "dick" orgasms are nothing in comparison. Those are like, "Well, that was nice. Time for dinner." Anal orgasms *require* basking in it afterwards:
An anal orgasm, when done right, feels like your entire body is pulsing in pleasure—literally, your hole will *pulse* involuntarily from the pleasure of the orgasm. It's like a whole other bodily function being unlocked, like discovering masturbation for the first time all over again.
It's so much more than just some good feeling along your shaft. I'm really sad for those who think that's the pinnacle of orgasmic pleasure and never experiment anally.
Edit: Oh, I'd also like to mention a silly notion: it's pretty ubiquitous the idea that guys aren't vocal during sex, or at least not as vocal. Women will moan or scream or at least do something vocal. Do you know why? It's because guys are only using a small part of their pleasure potential. I only get vocal from anal orgasms because *the pleasure is just so intense that I can't help it.* I think if more guys took use of their other centers of pleasure, they'd be just as vocal as women. =]
[deleted]: Women are actually not very vocal when alone, either. They're much more vocal when with a partner. People have actually studied this and don't really know why, but apparently it's common.
Free_Blowjobs: Oh, I'm the same way. And isn't it kind of obvious why? It's arousing to vocally evince the pleasure your partner is giving you. It *feels* better when I moan for the guy I'm with.
I'm not vocal at all when alone with just normal fapping. But if I'm alone and have an anal orgasm, I cannot help but cry out. I don't even have a choice over it.
I just feel that it's more common for women to be vocal in this aspect, since their main pleasure centers are located conveniently in the same area. I'd bet that even alone, women are on average far more vocal because of this ease of access, engendering greater pleasure.
In any case, I have no evidence to support this conjecture, but it doesn't seem unreasonable to infer, given my experiences.
Doom2508: *Reads username*
Hi
Free_Blowjobs: You do know I'm a girlboy, right?
sjvmi87: I'm a boygirl. We can make it work.
Free_Blowjobs: Aw, you're so sweet. <3
ikoniq93: ...and so begins the romance of /u/Free_Blowjobs and /u/sjvmi87
Adorable little shits, they are...
Free_Blowjobs: Wait a minute . . . You've totally reddit stalked me! ^I ^feel ^so ^honored.
ikoniq93: Oh, I'm a nobody. Just wait until someone actually worth something starts to stalk you! I'm small time <3
| 12 | 132.166667 | |
1409838082 | 1409843677 | t3_2fgbgm | t5_2to41 | 13 | windows013: TIFU: My Little Porny
Sure, my personal porn is not on the cloud or in heaven or whatever. It's on my hard drive.
(sexy female whisper): . . .'your secrets are not safe' . . .
When my PC fumbled and failed due to a blower fan issue, I turned to my Christian-dude tech-wiz PC-geek wizard friend to fix it. Turned out what I really needed was a bigger hard drive, a better card and better fans. No problem. Everything seemed fine and a breeze.
(sexy female whisper): . . . 'your secrets are not safe . . .'
Until the call came from his house.
"Uh, to move all of your VERY LARGE photography files to the new TB drive, um, it wouldn't allow me to move them all at once, so uh, I had to break them up into small blocks --manually-- and move them one by one.
I saw a lot of things I should never have seen and I wish I could erase them from my memory."
(upset female shrew screech) . . . 'our secrets are not safe?!?!? . . .'
I had tons of photos and videos of not only my wife and I engaged in hardcore porn but also of about ten girlfriends before her.
My friend and I are not friends anymore.
DeathAndRebirth: LOL damn that sucks :( and wtf is with the female voice for hahahaha
windows013: It's like in those TV perfume ads... use your imagination.
Big_D_Man: Oh, don't worry we all used our imagination...
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1409799683 | 1409856974 | t3_2ff5g9 | t5_2to41 | 16 | kindpotato: TIFU by fixing my allergies with peppers.
Well I don't know if it's normal for this time of the year but I have REALLY terrible allergies, and I was producing shit tonnes of snot and having crazy sneezing fits. So naturally I look up how to get rid of hay fever on the internet and VOILA capsaicin (the oil that makes peppers spicy) naturally cleans out your nostrils. So I went into my cabinet feeling high and mighty and got the hottest peppers we had. I don't know what variety these peppers were but holy shit they were hot. Well, I'm not too smart, and I started challenging myself to eat more. So I put the pepper in some water, and then I suck the water out of the pepper and I'm guessing I got quite a bit of capsaicin because that shit was terrible. After getting freaked out, I was starting to feel alright. And my nose was kind of clogged so I picked my nose, and I basically touched my face a lot. Next things I know, it feels like people are stabbing me in the eyes. Well that was sort of anti-climactic, but it hurt like hell for me.
**TLDR; I got pepper oils all over my face**
Iwillnotcheck: You should do this every time you have an allergy attack.
dam1985:
Agreed. I can only hope this medical advice came off of Web MD.
That's where I go for my medical advice. I had some chest pains last week and went to Web MD for advice. I diagnosed it as severe heartburn. Later I came to find out it was more than likely a mild heart attack, but I'm glad I didn't find that out at the time or I probably would have gone to the hospital for real medical attention because, you know, it's a heart attack. Those hospital bills might have been really expensive so Web MD saved me a bunch of money. Damn my well being.
I can't believe doctors have to go to school for that long when you can find out anything on the internet.
Web MD - for hypochondriacs and people who should see a real medical doctor.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1409838076 | 1409960175 | t3_2fgbg5 | t5_2to41 | 37 | shittyideas69: TIFU by drunkenly logging into my old work's facebook and twitter accounts.
Back story time: I worked as head chef and back of house manager for a low quality, independent bar/restaurant in the centre of a major British city. By the time I quit my job, I had become very close friends with the general manager, but was hated by the assistant manager, who I hated equally. And the owner was, for all intent and purposes, an idiot and a person who would make terrible decisions, then blame it on his staff, calling up daily to threaten to fire them.
I wound up quitting unceremoniously, with no notice, leaving a snotty letter to the owner explaining why I was leaving to work somewhere else.
fast forward 3 weeks...
I was 3 weeks into my new job. Pay increase, better food, better co-workers, exciting job.
I had finished working til midnight, came home to my partner asleep, so I decided to drink some wine, then more wine, then smoke a few bowls, then drink more wine.
I was logging into facebook and noticed in the e-mail field, the name of my old work's e-mail - But surely a good business would change the passwords after a senior member of staff quits? Nope -
So what's a man-scorn to do on their work's facebook page?
first off - block all admins just so they don't prematurely stop my fun.
second - Delete boring promotional posts and things
third - change the profile picture to a doctor'd image of Justin Bieber performing fellatio, an anime-porn adaptation of Hank Hill for the cover photo
fourth - Reply to non 5 star reviews with badly spelled, all caps responses like "WELL FUCK U U FAT TWAT" etc...
fifth - post pictures of hitler with captions like "FROM TODAY NO JEWS ALLOWED IN *pub name*"
feeling satisfied, i roll to bed and dream about the funny response.
-Following Day-
i wake up and check the facebook page, the pictures had been changed back, all replies deleted, and a basic apology. - no major repercussions...
so i check the twitter account, same login details...surely after a security breach on their facebook the first thing you would do is change all other passwords...nope
so I quickly tweeted the two local football teams, explaining why they were banned from the pub (it's a big sports bar), then some terrible jokes like
"what has no customers and sucks? *pub name*" etc.etc.etc...
then a few pictures of hitler, with the quotes "*pub name* is my favourite place to drink" - nothing harmless.
then logged off and went out to work.
- here's the fuck up -
I get home to find my friend - the general manager of the pub had been messaging me like crazy.
the staff had seemingly rubbed 2 brain cells together and after 24 hours worked out it was probably me (who cares, right?)
but within the same period of 48 hours, Numerous bad reviews had been left about the pub on their facebook page and yelp from at least 5 people for general complaints...Staff being crap, food being bland, drinks being warm, etc. And a person had found one of the barmaids on twitter and was sending threatening and creepy stuff to her.
so their logic?
BLAME ME!
my first reaction to being asked "was it you?" by my friend, was laughing and saying "of course, but what's the big deal"
if you've ever seen what happens when a restaurant/bar starts to reply to genuine complaints by calling them a troll/liar, it's pretty cringeworthy.
it's even worse when the official facebook page, and 4 members of staff on their personal facebook profiles start spamming all negative reviews with insults, criticism and accusations of being a creep, stalking, etc.
what's even worse is when the legitimate customers who left legitimate complaints are middle-aged, wealthy people, who immediately came straight back into the pub to file formal complaints to my owner, demanding he drive the 50+ miles to meet them personally.
So my now-nervous-wreck friend told me how some members off staff have lost their jobs, others have been demoted, she almost lost her job, and that the owner is going to attempt and pin some "loss of revenue" crap on me - very unlikely, it's still annoying.
all over a bad, drunken and sleepy joke that nobody seemed to get. Great.
Tl:dr :
i drunkenly logged into my old work's facebook page, posted a lot of troll-level-9000 crap, which apparently started one of the most confusing and hysterical breakdowns within the business, causing numerous people to get sacked, lost a few buddies and there's a slim chance i could be taken to small claims court for an undetermined amount. - grrrrreeeeaaat
mattluttrell: This might get you fired from your current job. (You're proving very irresponsible and not trustworthy)
shittyideas69: nope, told the new boss and he laughed. reputation speaks for itself, the twitter accounts had less than 200 followers, and the facebook wasn't updated much. people just overreacted
GoldenChrysus: You sound like you genuinely don't understand the effects of your own actions, and if your new boss dismisses pathetic behavior like that, I imagine that business and consequently your job won't last long.
Reputation is built by customers. You can have the most amazing restaurant in the world, but if no one ever says so, then there is no reputation. So when customers start "overreacting," that damages the reputation regardless of whether their reaction is valid or not.
The number of Twitter followers is hardly relevant. There is generally no reason for most people to follow a restaurant's Twitter unless they are loyal customers who want event information, discounts, etc. But when a new customer is looking for restaurants in town - and every restaurant desperately wants new customers - and they find a Twitter with Hitler pics, you can be sure they aren't going to eat there. It doesn't matter in the slightest if they're following them or not.
In the same regard as the Twitter, it doesn't matter if the Facebook is updated regularly because you directly contacted people who had posted on the page. Not only that, you contacted people who left bad reviews, meaning these are people who have already demonstrated that they will go out of their way to hurt a reputation, and you only fueled their reason to do so. When you contact people directly and give them a reason to act on your words, it doesn't matter if the Facebook has a lot of likes, posts, etc. - you've exposed yourself to a chain of people connected to that one individual who will all hear about what you (or the restaurant) did.
It's alarming that you seem to think it was a joke and everyone else is to blame for not getting it, i.e. "so their logic? BLAME ME!" as if it's absurd to think you had something to do with the situation. You should be receiving full blame for everything that happened, and you can certainly be sued for more than the loss of revenue. Lawyers can often find ways to pursue 3-4 times the actual damages, and since the restaurant *most certainly* will have a drop in revenue because of you, they can wait until their revenue is back to normal, then sue you for the unnatural revenue drop between now and whenever the revenue is back to normal. Note that would also include any damages such as unemployment benefits if they were forced to fire staff, the cost of finding new staff and training them, the cost of hiring any reputation management firms, the cost of advertising to restore business, etc.
And it definitely won't be small claims court. You'll be in big boy court, you'll need a lawyer, and you will lose.
shittyideas69: i'm glad you spent so long writing that out. i didn't read it apart from the last paragraph.
no i won't - i'm fine :)
GoldenChrysus: Not a problem. Just thought you may benefit from some knowledge from someone who runs a few multimillion dollar companies versus your experience working in a kitchen and quitting every time someone makes you cry.
Anyway, it doesn't matter if you end up in small claims court (usually for 10,000 GBP or less) or a larger court for tens of thousands of dollars. The judge/jury will see you've accessed business accounts without authorization, deliberately tarnished their reputation, harassed legitimate customers, quit without notice, wrote an immature letter to the owner, and probably will ask people to testify to your behavior when you worked there, which I'm sure reflects the same behavior in your comments here which is why 2/3 of the senior staff hated you. That information alone would cause you to lose no matter how strong you think your "it was just a joke" defense is.
shittyideas69: [Wow, you make how much?!](http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/dont_believe_you_anchorman.gif)
i'm sure i won't go to court for more than tens of thousands of dollars. this is why i'm lucky i'm not in the US. more shit Shitty States of America. am i rite?
and good job for assumptions. of 3 members of staff, i was one and mates with the other. good maths, mr millionaire.
what multimillion dollar companies do you run o sensai? i'm ready to be impress!!
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/FlatHalfHarpseal](http://gfycat.com/FlatHalfHarpseal)
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| 8 | 4.625 | |
1409838829 | 1409840343 | t3_2fgcjc | t5_2to41 | 18 | Webley_Webb_THREE: TIFU by answering the door whilst covered in stewed fruit
Yesterday I had the day off work, got up at about 10.30am, and looked around in the kitchen for something to eat. There was a pan of stewed plums on the hob, left over from what I cooked up the night before. I poured them into a tupperware container and was about to put them in the fridge when I suddenly had an urge to put my face in it. I quite often feel the urge to put my face in food, often cereal but other foodstuffs will do, it is something to do with the sensation of the cold texture of the food on my face, so I put the tupperware down on the kitchen table and I sit down and I put my face in the cold stewed plums. I am there for perhaps half a minute when suddenly I hear what sounds to me like an intense hammering on the door. I stood up, and without thinking went over to the door and opened it. There is the postman and behind him my landlord, who by coincidence had arrived at the same time. The reason the hammering was so loud is that the bell has been broken for a couple of days and my housemate had asked the landlord to fix it, he had arrived at the same time as the postman who had been pressing the bell and was hammering on the door, I stand there and greet them forgetting that my face is covered in purple viscous fruit juice, take the parcel off the postman and then show the landlord where the bell is, both him and the postman ask "are you ok?" and I just smile and say that yes, of course, I am fine, I make the landlord a cup of tea and myself one and I chat with him and we drink the tea as he repairs the bell, once he has fixed the bell he asks "Are you sure you're ok?" and I reply yes again, it is not until he has left that I realise that I am still covered in stewed fruit. Now I am concerned that my landlord and my postman think I am some kind of stewed-plum-face-dipping-freak.
tl;dr - Covered my face in stewed fruit and forgot about it whilst undergoing house repairs.
DeathAndRebirth: wtf could you elaborate on why do you like to put your face in fruit pls
Webley_Webb_THREE: I will be honest with you, it is usually cereal. I love the feeling of the cold milk and the crunchy cereal on my face. However I recently have been experimenting with different foodstuffs. Nothing hot though. I thought the fruit would feel pleasant on my face and it did.
DeathAndRebirth: haha you actually might convince me to do this, the only thing i like to do alot is pull fuzz that gets stuck in my scabs when i get hurt and put Elmers glue on my skin and peel it off.....
Kasianic: The Elmer's glue thing is awesome. I still do that and I'm well into my 30's. The only thing leftover from elementary school that I love doing.
DeathAndRebirth: Haha yea its the best!!! Classic
| 6 | 3 | |
1409839962 | 1409845938 | t3_2fgeba | t5_2to41 | 10 | Kasianic: TIFU by embarrassing myself with poor spelling
This is obviously a mild fuck up and nothing near as mortifying as many of the TIFU stories on here but it's still embarrassing.
I just realized today that I've been spelling my son's teacher's name wrong. He's in first grade and has been in her class for the last two weeks. Every note (there's been about 3) I've sent to her has been addressed with a huge mistake.
Think "Mrs. Silverman" instead of "Mrs. Silverburg" similar but very very different (not her real name just an example).
She must think I'm an idiot. What a great way to start the year!
idamnedit: Hey if your kid fucks up any school work, make sure he says, "Daddy (or mommy not sure which you are) helped me."
Kasianic: I'm mommy and I might as well do that. Let me absorb some of his mistakes so he can get good grades.
idamnedit: You could also just blame it on daddy.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409844839 | 1409928155 | t3_2fgmq7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by washing my eyebrows with hair conditioner?
So I took a shower the way that I would on any other normal day, only today I massaged some deep hair conditioner into my eyebrows. I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea, but I did it anyways. Now my eyebrows are sticking together and falling out.
It felt like I'd washed all the conditioner out, but I was in a hurry to get to my morning class so maybe I just didn't notice that I hadn't gotten it all washed out. I've never heard of conditioner making your eyebrows fall out, but I can't think of anything else that would be making them fall out? They were totally normal before my shower, and the hair on my head is fine despite using the same conditioner on it during my shower.
I'm not entirely sure why that happened, but now I have balding eyebrows.
mobscene944: There is usually quite a bit of eyebrow hair that is loose but due to it being so packed together, just sits in there. Perhaps what you are noticing "fall out" is just all the loose eyebrow hair that you managed to unsettle. As a nervous habit I tend to pull on my eyebrows when studying (weird I know) and there is a lot of hair that comes out. I have never had a problem with my eyebrows thinning.
StacheBox: Grow a mustache and then you can stroke your glorious stache in deep reflection. Nothing compares to the majesty.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409846533 | 1409865229 | t3_2fgpq6 | t5_2to41 | 21 | airresistanceisabish: TIFU a nice lady's internet connection
An older woman was having networking issues and she asked me for help because I'm "good with computers".
The problem was that the internet doesn't work when connected with an Ethernet cable but wifi still works.
So after spending 2 hours of her time and multiple modem and router resets, cable internet AND wifi don't work anymore. Shit.
She thinks that the wifi still works but it doesn't cause I completely screwed it up like a dumbass. She even thanked me for my time for "helping her".
ogodifeelsobad
TL; DR - a poor soul has no internet because I'm an idiot.
DeathHaze420: Chances are all you had to do was disable the wifi card on her PC. That's what I have to do to my desktop. Then the Ethernet takes over.
viper689: This. OP not a smart fellow.
airresistanceisabish: I did that and the Ethernet did take over but it just couldn't connect to the net.
rjbriggs26: you check to see if it has manual IP/DNS settings attached to the NIC
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1409846816 | 1409861966 | t3_2fgq7i | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my friend mace the hell out of me.
I had a few last night and was feeling like a tough guy, so I told my friend I wanted to know what it felt like to get maced. I gave her permission and we went outside where the deed was done. She got my whole face and neck from about a foot away. I immediately started coughing, my eyes immediately shut and couldn't be opened for probably a good 45 minutes, I doubled over and any skin that came in contact with it felt like somebody was pressing a hot iron onto. To top it all off it was also difficult to breathe at times.
I knew it was gonna be bad, but I didn't know the extent or ever think my face would still be burning a couple hours after it. In the future if I was faced with the choice of being kicked in the nuts or maced, I'd probably go with a good old fashion nut kicking.
Would not recommend getting maced. I need to look at my decision making skills.
Kilomega: What kind of mace was it?
phantom_phallus: I hope it was a flanged one
katapad: Flanged mace is the only respectable type of mace. Otherwise might as well be a metal club.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1409845563 | 1409870566 | t3_2fgo1i | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my girlfriend a concussion
Technically it was yesterday, but I gave my girlfriend a concussion. For future reference, we are all seniors in high school, that's why this all seems so childish.
It was by accident, but here's the situation. When my girlfriend and I were eating with friends at Panera yesterday, we all sat in two booths because there were so many of us. So naturally the GF and I sit next to each other with some other friends next to us and across from us. The GF is sitting on the inside spot next to a head-tall wooden divider between us and the Panera kitchen. So we were playing around and she got me with the thing where you make someone look at their shirt and you tap their nose with your finger, you know? Well I waited a minute or two until she forgot and did it back to her and everyone laughed and all that; it was harmless fun. Anyways, she then starts messing with my face and jaw to get me back after I got her in front of everyone, and she accidentally made me bite my tongue really hard. So out of reflex, I pushed her arm that was on my jaw pretty hard I guess and her head hit the side wall on a corner of the wood. Nobody knew it then, but later she said she felt like blacking out at that instant and she was very dizzy and her vision was blurred the rest of the time and unsociable and not her normal self. I don't think anybody really noticed or thought anything was necessarily wrong in the moment except for that she pointed out a rather large bump on her head a little while afterwards.
So she tells me today that she couldn't sleep last night and that she thinks she has a concussion. I looked up symptoms and it all made sense to me with how she was acting. Her vision is still impaired and she still feels nauseous today. Now she has to go to the doctor today and her parents are making her pay medical bills.
**TL;DR: Pushed girlfriend and her head hit a sharp wooden corner and now her parents are making her pay her own medical bills.**
viper689: There's only one type of wood your girl needs to hit, and that's not it
ColonelCrackerzz: Oak?
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409851205 | 1410027675 | t3_2fgyic | t5_2to41 | 1,185 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving the house when my Mom told me she had given up on life
I've posted a couple of stories in the past few days that everybody seemed to enjoy. Again, I'm bored at work, so I figured why not another one. This one is a not very happy and funny like most posts on this sub are, but I think it's probably the single most important lesson I ever learned in my life, and I'd like to share. I have written parts of this story in other threads as comments a while back, but oh well, hopefully it's new to some people.
This isn't a suicide story and I'm sorry if the title lead you to believe it is, but I didn't know what else to name it. So, with that out of the way:
I grew up in a house with my Mom, my aunt and my grandmother. My grandmother had passed 5 years prior to this. Being 'the man of the house' at age 6 is a weird experience. I never understood that my upbringing was different from my friends, until recently actually. I just assumed that all boys growing up did anything physical for their family because their family members were all sick as well.
My Aunt had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer before I was born. Though she lived a rather long life for someone diagnosed in the late 1970's, her quality of life was nothing like a normal healthy person's would be. Growing up I also took care of her as if she was my own mother and she treated me as such. She never had children, or was ever married, and she viewed me as her son as much as my mother did. My father decided he didn't like children, or my mom's family and was very much out of my life until my late teens. I maybe saw him 8 or 9 times in a 12 year span, when he lived within a 15 minute drive the entire time.
So, when I was 15, I get called out to the guidance counselor's office one day. She looks very upset and being as we had a good relationship, I knew it had to be something pretty bad. She told me my mom was sick and that my cousin was coming to pick me up. I was confused and didn't really get it but whatever, I got to go home early from school, that's a win every time in my book.
My cousin picks me up and takes me to the hospital. My entire family is there. I mean everybody. My aunt pulled me aside and told me that my mom had a pneumonia and that they were giving her medicine to fix her up. I thought nothing of it and took a seat on a chair next to my cousins and we talked about the new Eminem album. I remember the conversation very vividly.
I was called in to visit my mom and she looked awful. I'll never forget her face. She looked like she had seen a ghost and didn't know how to react. She just started crying and crying and crying. I had never seen her cry in my 15 years of life.
It turned out that she actually had Ovarian Cancer and the doctor had just told her that she probably had somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 months left to live. She made the entire family promise to lie to me about it and to tell me she was going to be ok becuase she didn't want to upset me. I didn't find out the truth about her diagnosis until later that night when my dad called me, drunk. He asked me what happened today and I told him my mom was sick and in the hospital. He told me he knew, that she had called him, and that she was going to be dead in 3 months. I had no idea what to say. I hung up the phone and sat in the corner of my room. I didn't cry or anything. I just sat there staring at the wall. In retrospect I realize I just couldn't deal with the emotions, but at the time, I honestly couldn't even compute what he just said to me.
-----------------
6 years go by. My mom, is still alive. Chemo, doctor visits, scans, tests, tests, and more tests. Somehow she is surviving. She is essentially the shell of the person she was, but she was still here with me. The day I turned 17, and got my license, I became her permanent driver and errand boy. I resented her for it at the time, but now I'm older and I'm happy that I was able to do all that for her. I took her to all her treatments, got and made her food, got her meds, etc. She depended on me and I hated her for it. I just wanted to be a normal teenager. I didn't get it.
I wasn't able to take a academic scholarship for college out of state because I had to take care of her. I went to college in state, which was a good school, but it wasn't what I was hoping to do. Frankly, I was in no position to be in school either way. I had no drive or ambition at the time. I was just living in a world where my life was dictated by chemo treatments and doctor's visits. Again, I was young and didn't get it.
------------------
I would wake up at 6:30 to drive from my dorm, to pick up my mom, to make the trip to the cancer clinic 2 times a week. We would be at the clinic until at least 5pm, and with traffic and getting food/meds I wouldn't get back to my dorm until about 9pm or so.
One day, we are going through the routine and my Mom just seems annoyed all day. She's being short with me, being aggressive, essentially just acting out of character. We get back from chemo and she's sitting on the couch in the living room. She had lost about 70 pounds at this point, for someone who was 5 foot 2 inches, that is a LOT of weight. She was wearing her baby blue cotton pajamas and her baby blue matching bandana. She was so embarrassed of her bald head.
As I'm preparing her medicine and getting the food out of the take out bags she is just staring at me. She sits tells me to sit down next to her on the couch as she turns off the TV. I, annoyed by the request, roll my eyes and sit down. She begins to tell me that she is done. Done? I didn't get it what do you mean done? Done with what? She was done with life. She explained that she had been doing chemo for 6 years straight. It wasn't fair to me anymore to have to take care of her and she didn't want to live life like this anymore. She had a colostomy bag, she couldn't make her own food, she couldn't drive herself anywhere, she couldn't even walk to her room without help at this point. She didn't want to do it anymore. She had decided she was quitting treatment, and essentially giving up the fight to get better.
I just looked at her puzzled. I didn't say a word. She was waiting for me to say something. I assume she wanted me to tell her that she had to keep fighting, that she could beat it finally, etc. I couldn't say it though. I just stood up, looked at her with disdain, and walked out of the front door.
I went to a friends house and smoked a lot of weed, played a lot of online poker, and just forgot about that conversation even happening. She called me several times, I didn't answer any of the calls. I slept at my friends house (Rich from the previous story if anybody read it) and woke up the next day in the late afternoon. I didn't go home, I didn't answer phone calls. This went on for the next week. I didn't go home, or answer phone calls. My aunt eventually came to Rich's house, and told me it was time to come home. I sheepishly walked to my car and drove home. When I got there, my Mom was gone.
She had been taken to the hospital. By the time I got there, she was so drugged up and out of it there was no way I could ever attempt to have a real conversation with her. It started to finally hit me, that she was at the end of her road. I hated myself. I stayed the hospital with her for the next several days, sleeping on the floor or on a chair. She slowly was slipping away, not talking anymore, not eating, etc. She couldn't muster the energy to speak. There was a point where everyone was out of her room talking about what to do and I stayed in there and stood over here just looking. She opened her eyes a little and cracked me a smile.
I began crying immediately. I explained to her that I was sorry for all the fucked up shit I had done in my life. All the fucked up situations I got myself into that she had to get me out of. How I'd been acting these past few years she was sick and dying. I told her I loved her over and over again. She just smiled and said "I know, go home". I couldn't believe she had the energy to even talk let alone raise her arms to give me a hug. I bent over, and hugged her, crying all over her. She knew it was over, and I think that gave her the peace she needed.
I stayed a few more hours, until I couldn't see straight. I decided to take her advice and go home. She died as I was pulling into Rich's driveway 15 minutes later. She literally didn't want to die in front of me, told me to go home, and waited until she knew I was one to die. I'll never understand how that happened, if it was just coincidence, or what. But, it happened, somehow. She saved me from that. She saved me from myself one last time.
--------
I was a bad kid growing up. I always got into trouble. I was an even worse teenager. I had to be an adult and take care of sick and dying people my whole life essentially. I never got a chance to have that rebellious period of time. So instead, I just did outlandishly rebellious things when I got the opportunity in an attempt to make up for missed time. This never worked out well for me.
I think of my mother every day. It'll be 9 years since she passed on October 3rd. It's still very fresh in my mind. I remember the entire process, including the disaster that was the funeral. I had nightmares every night for about 5 years about her funeral. Reliving it every single night. It was miserable. I couldn't function as a normal person.
I realize now that I just have a lot of regrets. Why didn't I just treat her better? Why didn't I do more to make her comfortable? WHY DID I WALK OUT WHEN SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD GIVEN UP?!?!?! Why didn't I just tell her to keep fighting and that I needed her?! Could she have somehow gotten better? I have no idea. I will never have any idea.
Those years of chemo were brutal on all of us in my family. I know everybody generally thinks their mother is the nicest person, blah blah blah. But, hands down, all my friends who had met her, it was a consensus that she was the nicest and sweetest of all of our parents. It was just an accepted fact. She was a genuine, decent, hard working person. She never made more than $30k a year in her life, but I never went without anything. I always had food, clothes, a bed, and money to hang out with my friends if I needed it.
I fucked up really bad by not doing more for her and now when I think of her, I have gotten over some of the regrets. But, what I miss is something that is not quantifiable in reality.
There is a certain feeling you get when you see your mother or father that you know that they love you, no matter what. There isn't a word for this emotion. It's just this weird feeling, that you're probably not even aware of. I wasn't until it was gone. That's what I miss the most. I miss that no matter what I did, she would always be there for me and love me. I just miss giving her a hug and knowing how much it meant to her. I miss just seeing her light up when I would walk into the room. I was her only child, and I was the only thing that mattered to her and I fucked up and was selfish. I was so selfish that I diminished the last few years of her life by my actions.
I have forgiven myself for a lot of what happened and I understand I was too young to be dealing with such intensity. I get it. It doesn't make me feel better about myself, but I do get it. Soon after my mom passed, my aunt's cancer came back, and I was forced to care for her the same way as I did for my mom. I didn't fuck up this time though. I took care of her for 4 years. I righted all the wrongs I made the first time around and I rest easy because of it. I know I learned from my mistakes. She died, and I was sad, but it wasn't the same. My family had splintered when my mom died. She was the glue.
So like I said, don't fuck up today by not valuing your loved ones, and how much their love means to you. Tell them you want them in your life no matter what and do whatever you can for them.
EDIT: Obligatory thank you for Reddit Gold. Also I guess there are enough people interested in the story of the funeral, based on my PMs, that I'll post the story about it tomorrow. I actually did make a huge fuck up during that as well, so it would fit in really well.
Part 2 - http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fk3m2/tifu_by_leaving_the_house_when_my_mom_told_me_she/
broadfacebook: > WHY DID I WALK OUT WHEN SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD GIVEN UP?!?!?!
Because apparently you think drugs, gambling and hanging out with friends is more important then your dying mother.
CocoLeFleur: Until you've been in the same situation, kindly shut the fuck up.
broadfacebook: Even if my mother was dying and on her last leg, I would pay more attention to her. Not doing illegal drugs and hanging out with friends.
CocoLeFleur: It's easy for you to say that. If you haven't been through it, you have no idea.
broadfacebook: I don't need to be in that situation to decide whether I like drugs or my mom better.
I choose my mother over drugs. But that's just me.
CocoLeFleur: That is such a massive oversimplification. It can be a complex situation, extremely scary, and you may just need an escape or release.
You DO need to have been in the situation to judge.
| 7 | 169.285714 | |
1409854241 | 1409917005 | t3_2fh1hl | t5_2to41 | 282 | javaski: Just stare into his eyes and piss in the corner of the kitchen to show your dominance.
grizzlychamp00: my cat does this bullshit. what a dick my cat is.
[deleted]: Just pee on your cat to show your dominance
masonsdad1288: I honestly really can't think of any better way of asserting dominance than that. If cats are being ass holes, piss on em'!
tishstars: Cats will be assholes no matter what you do to them, trust me, I'm a cat.
| 5 | 56.4 | |
1409853147 | 1409957149 | t3_2fh24d | t5_2to41 | 7 | Critanium: TIFU by giving my steam profile to a friend.
So, today during my late lunch, the girl I sit with mentioned that she had a steam profile and plays CS:S and CS:GO. I was interested, so I gave her my steam profile name.
Now, my steam profile is usually seen only by my friends (Who understand my crude jokes) and online people who can only judge me on a computer screen.
This is my profile:http://steamcommunity.com/id/johnmaddensbrother
So, now I have to rush back home and change it before she adds me.
The race begins.
UPDATE: I think I was successful. Not sure.
Hastilygrim: Use a proxy site, such as: roguebunny.ml or surfwecan.net
waitwhyworry: Nice. I'll have to bookmark these.
Hastilygrim: There is a small chance that they might have been blocked. When I was repeating my As levels, we would just sit on reddit and other sites all day, until they got blocked, then we used surfwecan, it eventually got blocked, then roguebunny, same story. Eventually every proxy site we could think of got blocked, and we had a very hard time getting them to work, utilising various loopholes in the system, I can't think of them now because it was about 3 or 4 months ago. I don't know how your school network works, by ours was a country( Northern Ireland) wide system, c2k, and I'd say they would have seen trends and investigated, and blocked accordingly. If your system is just school specific, then, of course there would have been less people than a whole country (albeit small country) so maybe they won't be blocked, just use one at a time, so if one gets blocked, you have a backup. And don't tell too many people about it or it will be noticed far more quickly.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1409854135 | 1409866466 | t3_2fh419 | t5_2to41 | 68 | CucumberBear: Tifu, by going to Panda Express.
Unlike most fuck ups, this happened literally 15 minutes ago.
I work a security job across from Panda Express and decided Chinese sounded awesome today. Oh, how I was wrong. I enter the store and the smell of fresh chow mein and egg rolls filled the air.
I order the chow mein and orange chicken, when suddenly the manager asks if I'd rather have the BACON orange chicken. I nod and say of course because bacon.
I'm starving at this point and happier then a pig in shit to have a steaming plate of Chinese peasant food. First bite, orgasmic. I went for another piece of chicken and then it happened.
It was crunchy but REALLY fucking crunchy. I spat it out to find a small chickens head lying on my plate. I'm so shocked I don't know what in the sweet slippery Sapper baby Jesus to do.
I chose to go to the manager. You know what this bitch says? "Oh, that again? Here let me get you another plate". Yeah, okay. I declined and promptly received my refund. Guys, please always look before you eat.
Tl;Dr: Wanted Chinese food, got 100% real chicken.
DADDY_TSUNAMI: At least it wasn't cat.
AnonySeeb: or dog
whotfareu: Or a fetus
AnonySeeb: That escalated quickly
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1409856178 | 1409879078 | t3_2fh7sy | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: TIFU by cunt punting a girl
Well in short, we were playing football and she wanted to be the QB. Okay, no harm in that. Well... when she called "hike" I kicked the football and it slammed the living shit out of her vagina.
She went down. I fucked up
Edit1: She texted me saying "so you made my vagina sore! and as funny as it sounds, id say you "scored" haha... asshole" lmao
monochrome83: Needs update, I would assume this would be for some kind of "field goal" scenario??
[deleted]: she texted me. read the edit
still_futile: So did you put points up on the board later?
[deleted]: bruh, i had point up way before that lol
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1409857773 | 1409860178 | t3_2fhb13 | t5_2to41 | 10 | TIFUby11: So, TIFU by leaving the door just open
This story is about as predictable as they cum. Just trying to get it off my chest (hence the throwaway account)
I'm a male in my mid twenties, with a girlfriend that lives really far away. I live in an apartment complex, and I'm relatively near the main entrance, which can only be accessed via password...but I'm one of the first few doors there.
So earlier, when I walked into my place, I thought I closed the door. It's a little sticky though, so it just kindof jammed about halfway through the frame (I think). Closing the door also locks it.
My apartment is tiny. If you walk in, you can see my bedroom, bathroom and kitchen table.
I was bored, so I decided to jerk off, which I normally do in bed. I was careless, didn't check the door. So I do my thing, clean myself up, wash some dishes, and go to take out the trash.....and notice that the door was still halfway closed.
I'm pretty sure I made very little noise, and I don't think I heard anything during...but I will never know for certain whether anyone walked in on me.
And to make things worse, I work with a number of people who live in the building.
TLDR: will never know for sure if anyone walked in on me masturbating.
stingships: I saw everything.
TIFUby11: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DJFhCeiwlU
stingships: Well, what you're dealing with here is essentially The Theory Of Yes Or No..
TIFUby11: I'm not really too worried, honestly. Worst comes to worst, it's another of many embarrassing things about me.
If someone really walked up, saw a partially open door (almost totally closed, it was wedged in the frame), heard something, didn't knock, and then just opened it without my hearing... I'd be kindof surprised. It's just one of those things that makes me realize what a moron I am.
stingships: That's actually more of their fuck up than yours. Taken at the extreme, it's like breaking and entering, just without the breaking. Should this moment ever repeat with someone actually coming in, you need to make some kind of promise with yourself that you will just stare them straight in the eye and continue.
TIFUby11: haha, I think that might make the story a little worse from my end. I guess dominance comes at a price
I don't think it's unreasonable for a neighbor to see an open door (however closed it seems) and go "hey he probably didn't mean to do that." If I saw it, I'd probably leave it alone, but some people would either
a. shut it completely
b. Poke their head in to say "hi I'm closing your door"
c. knock and do b.
regardless, I think this would be something I'd rather not have publicized about me...so of course, I put it online where it will stay forever.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1409859655 | 1409860229 | t3_2fheze | t5_2to41 | 12 | --LookOUT--: TIFU by purchasing NFL ticket on craigslist
Look, I'm no dope. I've been around, you know? I got all caught up in the hype and screwed the pooch.
I'm heading out to San Francisco in a week and looking forward to seeing my Niners in their new stadium. First regular season game at Levi Stadium - I'm pretty excited.
I placed an ad on craigslist - and boy did I get offers! Some were honest, and one hooked me. I should have known from the poor spelling, lack of email, phone number. After 15 emails, I bit, contacted Paypal and made my purchase. The offer WAS too good to be true, the photo was altered but I was blinded and my bud, coming out with me said, 'just do it'. Buyers remorse immediately set in, I tried to contact the seller - no response. Several attempts over several minutes. You see, up to this point he was very quick to respond to me. Not any longer.
I called Anthony at Paypal - "I really fucked up" Anthony took pitty and it looks like I won't be getting screwed after all. He explained that I was protected from scams and put a claim in. I won't be getting charged. I did learn a valuable lesson. Research that shit, before you push that button!!
[deleted]: What a fuckhead. I wonder how they do those reprisals? Will the scammer keep the money that you paid or will they be able to get it back?
--LookOUT--: The thing of it, he was a verified contact on Paypal! All of my information was exposed: where I'm staying in California, my full name, my home address. I didn't bitch the guy out and hope he's in another country unable to contact me again. Since he was supposed to mail me hard tickets, it was easier than if it was an electric transaction. Money hasn't left my account.
| 3 | 4 | |
1409859843 | 1409894237 | t3_2fhfb5 | t5_2to41 | 9,878 | ireallyshouldknock: TIFU by barging into my sister's room
Yesterday afternoon, I was just finishing my homework and ready to unwind with some Mario Kart. Last time I saw the game was in my sister's room. I thought she was at a friend's house, so I barged right in to take it back.
I opened the door, and my heart stopped. My sister was home after all, and she was… having a moment with herself. No covers, shorts down, everything on display. She screamed like something from a horror movie, and I slammed the door.
I stood there in shock for a moment. "Are you getting dressed?" I asked, hoping to convince her that I didn't realize what she was doing. No way she'd fall for that though. I very clearly got the full show, an image that I fear will be burned into my brain forever. Fuck, this is my little sister. I'm not supposed to see her having a hand party.
I've been avoiding her since.
chaingripped: Did you get Mario Kart?
AnonySeeb: I'm here still wondering also
GhostOfWhatsIAName: You guys ~~are~~ have your priorities straight.
*ninja edit: stumbled over the language barrier first.*
*edit edit: I'll go to sleep.*
goatcoat: Are they have them?
GhostOfWhatsIAName: I are not surely. (Oh my.)
TheTrueAlphaSeal: I R Baboon
PaulaDeenSlave: uooqɐq ᴚ I
ilove2poop: (╯°□°)╯︵ I R Baboon
FALCONN_PAAWNCH: uooqɐq ᴚ I ノ( º _ ºノ)
ilove2poop: (╯°□°)╯︵ I R Baboon
FALCONN_PAAWNCH: (ノಠ ∩ಠ)ノ彡( \o°o)\
ilove2poop: -( °-°)- ノ(ಠ_ಠノ)
FALCONN_PAAWNCH: (シ_ _)シ i apologize
[deleted]: I forgive you.
qlb1234: NOOOW!
(ノಠ ∩ಠ)ノ彡( \o°o)\
TheStaffmaster: I am Weasel! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ
I shall put a stop to this bafoonary!
qlb1234: (ノಠ ∩ಠ)ノᕦ(ọ־ọ)ᕤ\\(ಠ_ಠ\\)
[deleted]: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 19 | 519.894737 | |
1409858317 | 1409862500 | t3_2fhc99 | t5_2to41 | 10 | Spizam71: TIFU by snorting a mound of urine soaked baking soda
This actually happened last night before bed....
A little back story....last Saturday the wife and I are at a neighbor's house drinking heavily and having a great time. After many shots and beers my wife decided to head back home. Everything was a typical Saturday night of drinking. She fell in the shower, kicked me repeatedly in the balls for trying to help her etc etc. All normal. We've been married 14 years so this stuff happens. I finally got her dried off and into bed where she promptly passes out. I shower up myself and head to bed.
At about 3 A.M. I wake up to a wet feeling around me. I realize she's peed the bed. GREAT! At this point it's still a pretty normal situation. I get her out of bed, change sheets, get laundry going and get back to bed.
2 days later on Monday my wife mentions her side of the bed smells like cat pee. We look up some solutions for getting the urine smell out of the mattress. One solution is to use baking soda to soak up all the urine smell. We spread out a bunch of baking soda and let it, hopefully, soak up the smell. If this doesn't work we decide we'll just Fabreze it to death and flip the mattress over.
Now we come to last night. My wife is in bed with our kids in the other room so I decide to check the mattress and see if it smells ok. I stick my face right down to the mattress and inhale like I've been holding my breath for 5 minutes. Instantly I get a flash back of younger days and realize I've just snorted a huge Scarface mound of baking soda that's been soaking up urine for 2 days. :-/
My sinuses are still completely clogged today at 3:00 and I still have urine post nasal drip.
theshotgunhobo: wtf? It's normal thing that your wife pees in the bed regulary on saturdays?
still sorry for your nose
Spizam71: It's fairly normal when she drinks a lot. Of course it was all my fault since I didn't follow Rule #354.32 of the house and make sure everyone went to the bathroom before going to bed :-/
throwaway243907: That doesn't seem normal at all, especially at your age. Have you guys considered AA?
Edit: And you have kids? WTF?? You guys are awful parents. Even if they were properly watched and everything, that's setting a horrible example.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409860998 | 1409874442 | t3_2fhhej | t5_2to41 | 20 | MrsQueefqueg: TIFU by queefing on my husband's face
Husband came home from work this afternoon while Child was still napping. We decided to try to sneak some sexytimes in while we could. I'm not a big fan of PIV these days, thanks to lasting damage from Child being born, so I was sitting on Husband's face. (Edit: Husband mentioned that I should clarify to tell readers that he enjoys this! He gets attention too! And it was his suggestion as PIV sex is usually a no-go for me.)
Now, it so happened that I was feeling particularly prolapse-y this afternoon (see: lasting damage), so I asked Husband whether I had anything bulging out that shouldn't be. He answered that he didn't see anything out of place. To examine closer, he pushed a finger inside, which let in an audible rush of air. He apologized, realizing he'd filled the proverbial whoopie cushion. Thinking it was no big deal, I said "meh, no big deal."
A couple minutes later, I turned just slightly to my right to make sure that the baby monitor was on as we expected Child to be waking up any minute. Somehow, that was enough to free the trapped air all at once, and I queefed loudly right in Husband's face.
Husband is a trooper because he didn't let it kill the mood or anything. Thankfully, he realized it wasn't a fart. Sounded like a fart, though. Slightly embarrassing.
toastiscoolbro: >I'm not a big fan of PIV these days, thanks to lasting damage from Child being born, so I was sitting on Husband's face.
"Sorry honey, we can't have sex, but I'll sit on your face?"
zoidberg1339: Just taunting him with it...
toastiscoolbro: Just trying to rub in the fact that she doesn't want sex completely in his face.
Edit; missed a word.
| 4 | 5 | |
1409857314 | 1409966986 | t3_2fha0i | t5_2to41 | 8 | jayurbzz: TIFU by bringing a trumpet through Canadian Customs.
This happened yesterday. Posted this on Facebook and realized I had written it in the tone of /r/TIFU, meaning I spend FAR too much time reading y'alls fuck-ups. So here's mine.
A funny thing happened at the airport(s) today. The attractive Canadian Customs officer sees a trumpet sticking out of my broken-zipper backpack and reasonably assumes I would be playing the brass for money. "No, I suck at this thing, it's only with me to practice," I respond with full honesty. After a few questions of who I was staying with (a jazz band) and what I had planned in Vancouver for the week (seeing the jazz band's gigs), I notice what this could easily be portrayed as. She then continues to ask how I knew the band, if I had met them in real life (they're onto us Couchsurfers!), where they lived, what they liked for breakfast, etc. It's a real 'zoom out' on my life when I tell the officer that I had met them in New Orleans and drove across the country with them earlier in the year. "What's your job?" comes next, and I hate that question because I'm not so traditional like that, I'm a bit of a nomad and make ends meet here and there with computer and music gigs. So saying "I'm a freelance web and video designer based in Los Angeles" as a simplification does not bode well either for my "personal visit" to Canada, as I realize that now it probably sounds like I'm totally up here exclusively for some kind of paid gig, as a freelance computer dude or as a professional musician (the kind that doesn't travel with his instrument in a case). Great.
What's funny is that I WOULD HAVE BEEN here to play music for money had I brought my accordion. That had been my plan, after all. However, several hours prior due to 405 traffic in LA I arrived at the airport only 30 minutes before takeoff (thanks a lot, Obama). As a result, I couldn't check my accordion and its big case that held all most of my clothing and toiletries, as well as my low-end trumpet wrapped in a flannel jacket--so with but minutes to spare I hurriedly opened the accordion case and from it stuffed the trumpet, two pairs of underwear, my bag of tea and spices and a few shirts into the old bag to carry on with me. Trumpet peeking from the top of the bag, I waved goodbye to mother who continued to impressively deadlift the accordion into the back of the truck.
So anyway I guess it made sense for the Customs officer in Vancouver to write a fat red '502' on my customs card. So as I think I'm home free, ready to skip on into Vanny C, I get to the door and they say "over here, sir." Next thing I know my bags are on the table and I'm in a questioning-like scenario for another ~15 minutes while they interrogate the hell out of me: my 'career,' my friends, my college degree (yes, really), and my life in general. Heart pounding because it's one of those psychological 'you're already guilty bro' scenarios akin to getting pulled over for having a headlight out, I do my best to look him in the eyes as I tell my weird life story. "I'll be right back," the Customs man finally says, leaving me to wait with my thoughts as he undoubtedly Googles my name, reverse image searches my photo, checks my email, reads my Facebook statuses and gods know whatever else they do in that back office as you 'wait just a minute' which really means 30 intense minutes making awkward eye contact with the limping Turkish guy and the little Asian kid who forgot his green card at home (yes, really).
Having watched enough Locked Up Abroad and Mr. Nice in my life to know that this whole situation has the potential to go horribly wrong and I could somehow end up in a Thai prison for the rest of my life hooked on HIV-infested heroine needles if I don't play my cards right, I practice some legit ujai deep breathing as every possible scenario goes through my head: "What if they think I'm here to work and they deport me?" "What if I'm mistakenly on some terrorist watch list?" "What if they saw my satirical TSA tweet from earlier?" "What if I accidentally packed my leftover mounds of cocaine?" "What if they're in cahoots with the US government and think my lifestyle isn't conformist enough and I'm a threat to the status quo and it's best to get me out of the picture as subtly as possible and I never see daylight again?" My mind races frantically, asking these questions as I try to focus on slow exhalations to get through this catastrophe created in my mind.
I begin plotting my escape with Google maps on my iPhone just in case things get sticky. Right as I finally calculate the distance I would have to jump for a tuck-and-roll over the desk to grab a letter opener to use as a threat to the green cardless Asian kid whom I would use as hostage-leverage to get out the door, the Customs officer finally comes back out, hands me my passport and directs me to the exit, wishing me a grumpy good day.
Then I spent $9 on a tram ride to town. That's right, $9. Never felt more ripped off in my life.
Blackflag421: I had a similar experience when flying to China (though not with the work history issues that would make you more suspect). My flight to China was the next day (long story).
During the long search through my belongings, the Canadian customs officer pulled out one of my copies of High Times.
"Is this what I think it is?"
Me - "Yes"
Eventually when he found out I'd told the truth about not having anything illegal (and swabbing me for narcotics residues) I got to leave. Still took like 90 mins tho.
jayurbzz: It's kind of silly for any kind of Customs to think that one would bring actual narcotics into a country. Even if you're doing it abroad, who would be stupid enough to bring it back with them? And proof of it, no less...
Blackflag421: People do dumb shit like that all the time ;P
jayurbzz: Yeah I guess I don't get it
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1409864140 | 1409864317 | t3_2fhn81 | t5_2to41 | 8 | thedigitalmilk: TIFU By Cunt Punting a Girl With a Hockey Puck
So this fuck up, as to be expected was not today. Rather it was last Friday, the day of core P.E in my High school. Now I am not a particularly athletic person but I am not that bad at sports (I know Shock). In P.E we get the choice of what sports we would like to do, I chose Hockey. Now to be clear my main intentions in hockey is to hit the puck as hard as I can in the general direction of the opposing team's goals. However that tactic took a turn for the worse as I eye up the goals down the other side of the hall. I see a clear line of sight but I am way to far up the hall to shoot. The score was pretty close and we were about to run out of time so I thought to myself fuck it why not. I bring the hockey stick up to just about shoulder level and let at it. I hit this thing about as hard as I physically could. Now it was my belief that hockey pucks where designed to stay grounded, Well today this thing decided to make like Icarus and take flight. This puck had some serious speed and curve on it when out of nowhere comes this girl on the other team. I mean like if I had seen her there I wouldn't have hit it. this thing slammed into her right at crotch level, there was a sound that echoed the entire hall a sort of high pitched yelp and muffled thud. That was when I knew I had fucked up. Surprisingly enough the girl wasn't all that bothered about it considering the circumstances but was definitely in pain, so I did the decent thing and apologised more times than whats worth counting. I assume that the girl has a rather impressive bruise but I'm not going to ask to see it.
**TL;DR-**The Puck decided that it wanted its hole and it certainly got it.
Hondros: If she's attractive I'd totally ask to see the bruise.
thedigitalmilk: Nah not really :(
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409866795 | 1409870303 | t3_2fhs6e | t5_2to41 | 13 | cmf194: TIFU: taking prescription drugs (some NSFW language)
UK here; I've had hypertension (high blood pressure) for some time and a little while ago it seemed to be creeping up from 'medicated, under control' to 'getting scary'. So the doc gave me a new prescription, this controlled my blood pressure but also stopped me being able to, shall we say, behave like a husband shoud. Ho hum. So I went back to the doc - who seemed younger and younger each time - told him I couldn't get it up since starting the new drug. So we stopped the new drug, and tried me on an alternative. No problem. I understand how these things can be a little hit-and-miss.
Anyway, the next day, I took the new, new drug. 4mg. No obvious effect, so off we go to the shop - me, my daughter and my wife. At check out I start to feel sick and like I'm going to shit myself. Go and sit down; my daughter comes and holds my hand, but I don't remember this. I pass out, wake up about 10 minutes later with my wife on the phone to the paramedics. She's great: a nurse, was keeping a hand on my pulse, I "looked a bit cardiac". Paramedic turns up, my blood pressure is through the floor. I forget what, but something like 60/30. My vision was - well, it was pixillated, which was interesting but unsettling. The paramedic, who carried out a full ECG there at the supermarket, arranged an ambulance to hospital, where they did some blood tests and agreed that yes, the GP's prescription as a bit on the hopeful side and I should halve the dose. This I have done, and my BP is now around 130/80 - where it should be. And everything else works just fine :-) I love the NHS... no one is perfect and my GP, who prescribed the initial 'overdose' was acting in my best interests.
Edit: it's a couple of weeks since this happened, I should have said this beforehand.
Uncle_Hairy: Glad you're Ok, mate. That must have been one helluva scary episode.
cmf194: I wasn't really scared, most of the time I was fairly 'fuzzy around the edges' - side effect of a low BP - but it's something I'd rather avoid again. It was worse for Herself who had our 11 year old in tow... and the first aider who attended from the supermarket, who'd just had defibrillator training that morning, wondering if he was gong to have to use it on me! Luckily my wife and the paramedic in particular were able to keep calm enough that my daughter did not realise what a jolt I had given them.
Uncle_Hairy: Not a bad idea to keep some jump-leads in your back pocket - just in case eh?
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1409867167 | 1409867690 | t3_2fhsul | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: Tifu by trusting my ex-fiance
So I'm sharing this, not only because I hope you guys and gals can learn from my mistakes and not make this your own, and this woman really fucked me over, and damn do I enjoy this subreddit.
So, here's my story:
My now ex-fiance and I moved in together about two years ago. We picked the place out together, and agreed the place was perfect(rent, not own). So we start to go over finances, and she says she can't cover her half, even though I know for a fact she paid the same amount where she was currently living. Being the nice guy I am, I tell her it's fine, she can pay a bit less and I'll cover the extra $200 or so because I can afford it.
As months go by, she's giving me less and less, working less hours, but still keeping the same luxuries she "needs." I practically had to beg her for a rent check every month. It gets to the point where she's paying around 25% of the rent. This really sucks. Not to mention she insists she can't contribut toward any bills, except for the gas bill, which was $35 a month tops. She said I got the cable hooked up, so it's my problem, and she can live without it(even though she used the tv as often as I did). I work hard for my dollar, people, I don't mind being generous, but selfish people really irritate me.
Fast forward to our engagement ending, for the best. Our lease break stipulates that we are responsible for the rent from the time we move out until a new tenant moves in. Fine, I just need this to be over, I had faith good vibes would come my way and someone would move in.
The apartment manager explains to us that we'll be getting a temporary bill for the full potential amount we could owe, then a final bill once someone has moved in.
Good vibes indeed came my way, as someone moved in just a month after we moved out, so we only owed one month. Not bad, right? Could've been WAY worse! That's when I start getting the non-stop frantic texts from my ex; she obviously has gotten the POTENTIAL bill, which we both were aware of, and is freaking out thinking that we owe that amount. I try to talk sense into her, and in her typical fashion, cannot be reasoned with. So here's where the fuckup comes in(on top of all the rest).
I volunteer to be the good guy and sort out the situation. I call the corporate office to find out exactly what I already knew; we only owed one month of rent, that's it. I ask when it's due, she said "today." Well I've worked very hard to have a good credit score, and I'll be damned if I'm going to put a dent in it. So I transfer the money from my savings right then and there, and pay the balance. Bad idea.
I try to call her to tell her the good news that we're all taken care of, and she can just pay me her half, and she won't answer. To make another long story short, she was upset that I took care of things and said she didn't need me to do anything, and that this was a problem. I'm an easy going guy, but at this point I'm fed up with her and her attitude. I express my anger with a tad of logic and a few childish insults. Sure, not the adult thing to do, but I was angry and appalled. She said she was no longer responsible for paying because I called her a name, and blocked my number. *sigh*
So, after adding up all of the financial damage she has done from unpaid rent and screwing me out of the lease break, it's well over $10,000. This girl was a financial nightmare. Yes, I was plenty responsible for enabling, but I was just trying to be good to the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. The moral of the story? Don't give in to selfish people, you are worth more than that. And if your SO tries to guilt you into taking care of things they can handle, they're probably not the person for you, and you deserve better.
Tifu : tried to be a good man to my then fiance, was taken advantage of and lost thousands of hard earned dollars, not to mention years of my life.
[deleted]: Take the hit, count your blessings and move on. It could have been a lot worse because you could have ended up marrying her.
Never give money to a relative or a friend. You either lose the money or the relative/friend or both
redditorrandom: You're quite right. The happiness I've had ever since we split has been amazing. Thanks for the support!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409867624 | 1409868538 | t3_2fhto4 | t5_2to41 | 14 | plying_your_emotions: TIFU by naming my son Mohamed Mohamed Mohamed.
First I'm not sure if this post violates the rules if it does I have no issue with it's deletion.
A friend of mine recently moved to this country and has had a child. Now, where he is from Mohamed is a common name, so common in fact that it is his family name, his father's given name, and his given name.
So if you're following he is Mohamed Mohamed son of Mohamed Mohamed, no middle names. Now he has had a son and decided that a middle name sounds like a superb idea....
I agree with him that Mohamed is an excellent name, but I cringe at the thought of school children, teachers, and future employers reading out his full name.
Anonaire: Title and details disjointed. You say my son then your friend's kid?
plying_your_emotions: Didn't know how to word it to have the right meaning, since it wasn't "I" who fucked up.
Anonaire: If he moved to this country he could change the name, right? Or would that be ill advised?
_Azweape_: Asians are advised to pick a north american name... If my name translated to 'stupid-lisa-garbage-face' in another language, I would have no problem going by a pseudonym
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1409867246 | 1409914192 | t3_2fhsze | t5_2to41 | 202 | elkarcher87: TIFU by not shaving my balls.
This happened 2 years ago so fuck you.
I was a senior in high school and was a three sport athlete. Around December I started to notice the size of my right testicle was growing at an astounding rate. So fast that people would notice it in the locker room and freak the fuck out. I was a wrestler, so it was noticeable through my singlet.
Anyways, I decided I needed to get checked out and told my parents. We went to the doctor and they found out that I had a very large hydrocele. It is when fluid is unable to exit the testicle so it swells. Being the three sport athlete that I was, I didn't want to ruin my last year of wresting and track. We waited for the surgery until school let out for summer.
A couple of my buddies had had hernia surgeries in the past and they said that they had just woken up with their balls shaved. So I decided that I wasn't going to worry about grooming for a month before my surgery. Well, my buddies must have gone to different hospitals for their surgery because as I was lounging in my hospital gown the day of the surgery, A 50-60 year old male nurse comes into the room with a pair of clippers. So I had to sit there while this stranger shaved my balls before surgery because I didn't shave them the night before.
TL:DR- Thought when I went into nut surgery, doctors would shave my balls while I was unconscious. I thought wrong.
thejewgrinch: Did you pop wood? I bet you popped wood.
elkarcher87: I did not pop wood.
WolfyCat: You popped wood didn't you?
masonsdad1288: He totally did, I am the doctor...
shortbusondubs: i'll vouch for the wood popped. i'm the male nurse.
beeraholikchik: I'm the clippers, I think I'd know better than anyone.
khenry666: I am the alleged wood. I popped like corn.
Schen5s: Uhh sounds painful
khenry666: Agonizing.
| 10 | 20.2 | |
1409868526 | 1409931984 | t3_2fhv8c | t5_2to41 | 5 | Mcholypotato: TIFU by not holding the elevator
I had just bought food on the lower level of my office and got into the elevator alone, headed back up to eat at my desk. As the doors were closing some Guy Fieri looking woman with a bright pink silk collared shirt yells, "Hold the elevator!". I start spamming the close button while saying to her through the closing gap, "The open button isn't working!".
The doors come to a close and I start to ascend with a maniacal smirk on my face. As I lean back the elevator suddenly stops only having moved about two feet towards the floor above. The doors start opening and I see Ursula like finger nails coming in and grasping each side of the doors while she tries to bowflex this fucking elevator open.
I stand in silence as I watch this woman still wanting to get in after the elevator has clearly left the station. She hulks open the elevator doors to about 8 inches and tries to stick her head in and she sees that the elevator is above ground level. At this point the doors won't open any further and they won't close either, worse yet, I can't fit through an 8 inch gap to get out.
The woman starts shouting, "Help! There's a man stuck in the elevator!" A couple minutes go by of yelling and a crowd starts to gather, each taking turns peering into the narrow gap into my lonely room. After what seemed like an eternity of judgement, one of the building managers comes. He hands me the elevator keys through the door gap and I try the auto-run feature to no avail. After 10 minutes of taking verbal instructions on how to work an elevator, I hand back the keys with a heavy hand of failure.
Finally the building manager and some others each start pushing the doors of the elevator back to their original state, before my ride was rudely interrupted. The doors close and I ascend, my 10 minute run down to the lobby for food turned into a 40 minute excursion.
TLDR; Didn't hold elevator for woman, woman tries to force open doors, woman breaks elevator, people judging me, elevator is fixed, I ascend.
barryk013: Yeah. I don't believe that happened lol..
[deleted]: Yeah....why not spice it up and also add that he whipped his 12 inch schlong out and put it through the 8" gap like an office glory hole.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409868614 | 1413500481 | t3_2fhvda | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not speaking to this girl on the train.
sytycdc: Good luck finding her!
DeanH1996: Thank! I'm currently searching facebook by School/Town. Unsuccessful so far. I'll let you know how it goes.
sytycdc: I'd love to hear how everything turns out!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409863994 | 1409877702 | t3_2fhmxx | t5_2to41 | 10 | Quick_man: TIFU by paying my phone bill for the next 5 years.
Usually I am responsible and am ahead of the game with most things, this was almost one of those things. A couple weeks ago I decided to quit putting off paying for my university tuition and join the world of broke college kids. So with a heavy heart I opened up my online banking and transferred the money.
Fast forward to today when I get a email from the university saying that I shouldn't forget to pay for the schooling. I think its curious so I go in to see the finance department, where they tell me I did not in fact pay the $4,084.84 needed for the year of school. I try to provide proof that the money was transferred when I saw it. I transferred the $4084.84 to my phone company. luckly I still had enough money to pay for school(Luckly I took a year off).
I also called my bank to see if they could try to get the money back and they put in a claim. I'm currently on hold with my phone company, which will hopefully get me my hard earned money back. I'm really starting to rethink my choice to go back to school now.
barryk013: Oh that sucks :( don't reconsider education just because of one thing! I hope you can get your money back or at least most of it! Good luck :)
Quick_man: thanks, Its the money and all the stress I've been having before the first class has even started.
Soldier_A: School worth the pain. However lame on the phone company for not double checking with you the fact you over paid, oh I'm going to guess by 4000 bucks.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409869070 | 1409874352 | t3_2fhw4d | t5_2to41 | 25 | awesomedan24: TIFU by having unencrypted porn on the desktop of my computer and making this evident to a girl on the first date.
This happened last night:
Like any college kid, I decided I'd use tinder to try to find a nice girl. One in particular stood out to me, this cute nerdy girl with the same sense of humor as me.
We hit it off on Tinder, exchanged numbers and last night we decided to meet up and go on a night walk. It was lovely, time flew by. We walked around the whole campus and I decided to show her my dorm room. It's not *that* kind of story so you can re-buckle your belt now.
We just sat on my bed and kept talking. I mentioned that I used to have a beard and could show her pictures if she wanted. But then I remembered my old phone pics were just backed up to my laptop and I had since gotten a new phone with no beard pics.
Now, when I'm at home, my computer is locked down tight, clean desktop, file encryption, strategic folder naming ect, but since I didn't expect anyone else seeing my laptop in college, let alone inviting a girl in, I was not prepared. Porn strewn about my desktop.
In my nervousness I blurted out something like "I just remembered, the beard pics are on my laptop and I don't wanna show you my desktop right now."
*silence*
I could have said my laptop battery was dead. I could have said the pics were at my desktop computer at home. I could have said anything but I had to be so blatant about my porn watching.
But she played it off pretty cool. Some people are good at laughing off awkwardness I guess.
But then came awkwardness round 2: I tried to show her my beard pics anyway, so I opened the laptop and tilted it away from her but I COULD NOT find my phone backup files. So there we are, staring at desktop with scraps of porn on it while I desperately scan the page for the right folder. "I'm not looking I'm just looking at your wallpaper I promise" she says.
Ok one more awkward snippet:
"I love brunettes." "I'm actually a dirty blonde." "Well uh, it's the right color."
This would have been much more of a fuckup if she wasn't so cool about everything. I hope to see her again soon.
[Pic related, my old beard](http://i.imgur.com/VEVfq6d.jpg)
OliStabilize: Encrypted porn? That's uhhh... Normal?
awesomedan24: I'm kinda paranoid about my family going through my shit. But it's just a simple password protect software, I'm not some kind of hacker.
OliStabilize: I was only kidding bro :).
awesomedan24: : 3
| 5 | 5 | |
1409867738 | 1409870445 | t3_2fhtuz | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be interested in football
My boyfriend is really good friends with a family full of football buffs. All three boys in the family either starred on their high school football team or play in college (the ones who are in college did both). Their team is the Miami Dolphins. When I say they are fans, I mean the whole nine yards, they have the Miami logo on just about everything you can think of. *Their garage is even painted the team colors.* Yeah.
I have never really had an interest in football, and have recently been trying to get into it for my boyfriend's sake.
So last week, my boyfriend and I are over at their house, and the father mentions a Miami game they're going to in October. I offer up the suggestion that me and my boyfriend could go to and possibly meet up with them. Getting a little excited, I exclaim, "I've never been to a college football game before!"
The most awkward stares and silence followed... I'm still cringing.
Edit: Seriously? It's not awkward because I've never been to a game, it's awkward because the Miami Dolphins are NOT a college football team, and I was implying that they were (we were talking about going to a game and I was getting excited about it.)
ricebasket: That's really not that awkward
tastes-like-chicken: I guess not without context, but if you knew how intensely devoted to the Miami Dolphins (and football itself) this family is, it was awkward.
ricebasket: Yeah, I'm from America I know how people are about football. Not attending a college game isn't awkward.
tastes-like-chicken: The Dolphins aren't college football though... that's why it was awkward. We were talking about going to a Miami game.
ricebasket: Oh. Yeah you fucked up.
| 6 | 1 | |
1409858122 | 1409873951 | t3_2fhbuh | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by Starting a Grassfire
Little background here, because context: I live deep in the sticks, several miles away from a small town. My father is self employed, with his own business in this town. Our family is well known throughout the town. I used to work for him, as did another guy. Both my dad and this guy are on the town's volunteer fire department, as are many of the guy's friends. There aren't many fires, so when there are, the department goes all-out.
Now, being in the sticks means lax rules and little enforcement of what rules there are. My nearest neighbors are a half a mile away, far enough that I can do whatever I want without noise being a problem. This means shooting high powered rifles in the back yard on a regular basis and whatnot. No one cares. We also do pretty big fireworks.
Now, I'm nowhere near being a pyromaniac, but one time for shits and giggles, I picked up a parachute flare, http://cdn2.armslist.com/sites/armslist/uploads/posts/2012/02/13/304704_01_german_red_parachute_flare_640.jpg exactly like these.
One night in late July my younger brother and I decide today is as good a day as any to set it off. My house is surrounded by alfalfa fields, all of which had been cut, so it wouldn't have been able to burn. Good, said we, we'll just shoot it from the yard towards the field, so we can find the parachute. That night there was a slight breeze blowing from west to east. No problem, says I. We'll shoot it from east to west, so when it gets up high, the stronger wind will blow it back towards us and it'll be easier to find. Our house is close to the road, which also runs east-west. So, along the road, is our house/yard, and next to the yard is a field. Next to the field, is a swamp with no water that is now just tall dead grass. Next to that is some woods, and after that is our neighbors house. The rocket was to be fired at a slight angle, parallel to the road, so it would land in the field and not the grass that lie beyond it. We waited for a car to pass. I took the rocket, unscrewed the safety cap, and gave the string a tug.
FWOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHH and off it went.
Now, when I had pulled the string, the rocket had been at the correct angle. When the propellant ignited, however, the recoil forced my hand down, so the rocket actually exited the tube near parallel to the *ground.*
This was bad. This was very, very bad, and I knew it as soon as I saw it fly away. It never got more than twenty feet in the air, and it just kept *going* and *going* until it suddenly popped and lit up like a thousand red suns, slowly drifting to its resting place on a tiny parachute. As soon as it went off, my brother and I were sprinting after it, hoping it would drift down onto the very safe, cut field.
Nope.
Down and down it went, finally falling somewhere past the field in the swamp. Fuck. We got to the edge of the field and stopped. There was a bright red glow coming from what looked to be 20 feet ahead. We tore through the 7-foot grass, and after going 20 yards realized it was much farther ahead of us than we had thought. The red phosphorus glow had now been replaced by orange flames and crackling. 'It's too far ahead,' I shouted. 'We'll get back to the road and run along it until we see it, and then cut over!' My bro agreed. It'd be faster. So we cut across and got to the road.
The road is three feet higher up than the swamp, and we were able to see it more easily. It had been at least 50 yards further into the swamp than we had gone previously. We got to where it was and dove back into the grass, finally reaching the fire. A 15-foot circle was burning, and expanding quickly. We started stomping down all grass that was on fire, in an absolute panic. If this got out of control, or if a car went past or ANYTHING, the fire department would undoubtedly be called, to respond to a grassfire, that the son of a prominent firefighter and business owner had started. Plus, there was no fucking way that my neighbors missed the fucking flare 100 yards from their yard. For all I knew, the department was already on its way. That *could* *not* *happen.* It would be horrifically embarrassing and we would forever be branded as the retards that started a grassfire. And in a town with 900 people, brands stick for decades. Hell, I might even get a misdemeanor. If dad didn't kill me.
This fire *had* to go out *NOW.*
So we stomped the shit out of that grass, and we kicked the dirt around as much as we could and we stayed there for fifteen minutes, just walking around and making sure nothing was going to flare up and start again. When we finally thought we had it out, we got the fuck out of dodge and headed back to the road, so if anyone went past, they'd see a couple guys just walking down the road. Much less suspicious than a couple guys wading through the swamp. Once on the road we ran back to the house as fast we could and sat on our deck chairs waiting for our heart rate to slow down and to catch our breath. We left our smoky shoes outside to air out and then went inside like nothing had happened. To this day we were just 'playing with fire crackers and bottle rockets.' We have told perhaps two other people, but otherwise our lips our sealed. Except for now. But whatever.
Anyway, my bedroom is the only room with a window facing out towards where the fire was. I stayed up till 3 am watching for any flames. There weren't any, but I ended up going outside twice that night because I *thought* I *might* have seen something. But nothing ended up happening, thank God.
So, kids, I learned that day that parachute flares are not neat toys. I knew there were powerful, and I did do a quick look-around for planes before I shot it, on the off chance a plane saw it and called the FAA or some shit. However, I completely underestimated just how far they go or how powerfully they burn.
TL;DR: I am not a rocket scientist.
super quick edit, tried to indent and it did the weird code thing. Oops.
TonytheGemmer: At least you fucking tried taking out the fire instead of running away.
Volatilize: Fuck no. Running was never an option. At least 10 acres of grass alone could have burned, and then it'd have made it to the woods.
| 3 | 6 | |
1409869768 | 1409952715 | t3_2fhxat | t5_2to41 | 566 | deaddogkillacat: Tifu by not getting dressed after sex
So this was about two weeks back. I was over at my boyfriends having something like a date night when he gets a little frisky. So we head to his room ( he lives with his parents and they were supposed to be out for the night) and get down to work... Fast forward 3 hours of some bdsm, oral, and other foreplay/ dirty stuff. He finishes on my back and unties my arms we snuggle for a while and fall asleep. When we wake up ( still covered in cum) his parents are looking over us in pure shock ( they didn't even know he was gay. Before we can explain his dad grabs me and is about to punch my out, thankfully his mom fainted and I could run, so there I was naked covered in dry cum with day after sex limp running to my car with his crazy ass dad following me with idk what about to kick my ass.
Update: today the 5th my bf was able to sneak out and is currently sleeping in my bed. His parents seem to be mostly over it but don't want us to see each other.
TheStateOfDreaming: So how are your boyfriend and his parents now?
deaddogkillacat: Have not been able to contact him last thing I heard they burned my clothes and made him delete me on facebook
cantbrainIhasthedumb: You guys must be really young...
deaddogkillacat: 18 and 19 :3
txchris: What part of the world do you guys live in?
deaddogkillacat: Texas
txchris: Ah :/. Like in one of the small towns or a big city? I live in Houston. You'd think in a larger town or city they'd at least be more aware of the possibility, but you never know with this kinda stuff, especially if they happen to be religious zealots. If you live somewhere rural, I would suggest moving somewhere more urban like Austin, SA, Dallas, or Houston in a few years.
deaddogkillacat: I actually live just out side san Antonio but there is just so many crazies in texas
txchris: Lucky; I'd be going to the river like every weekend in the summer if I lived there.
deaddogkillacat: It doesn't rain enough water level is like 5 + feet down
| 11 | 51.454545 | |
1409869856 | 1409878273 | t3_2fhxg4 | t5_2to41 | 25 | therealpeej3: TIFU by telling a homeless person to get a job
Reddit. I fucked up. I was walking down Boylston street, middle of the afternoon. Now I play college baseball and my parents give me a weekly allowance of 25. (Cool one bottle a week thanks mom and dad!) Me and a few friends decide to go to Wendy's. Well lo and behold when we walk out is some fat homeless lady sitting on some stairs in front of the GNC.
"Spare change?"
"No lady I don't have any change.
"Get a job." She says. "Why don't you, I reply?"
Oh shit. Wrong move. Lady starts chasing me down Boylston yelling at me to get a job while trying to hit me with her fanny pack. Friends died laughing.
Tl:dr told homeless lady to get a job. She chased me with fanny pack.
EDIT: TO ALL YOU PEOPLE SAYING IM A DICK. SHE STARTED IT BY TELLING ME TO GET A JOB. THIS HAPPENED A YEAR A GO AND I POSTED WHILE I WAS AT WORK AND I LEFT SOME STUFF OUT. HOLY HELL ITS NOT LIKE I ENJOY PISSING ON HOMELESS PEOPLE.
tfyuhjnbgf: Why didn't you turn around and hit her with your bat?
therealpeej3: I'm a pitcher and I don't think she would take kindly to an 85mph pitch at her noggin :/ or anywhere for that matter
tfyuhjnbgf: Would you post a pic of your triceps?
therealpeej3: Most random part of my body I think I've ever been ask to take a picture of. And no. My tris aren't huge but I know how to use my whole body when I pitch and not just my arms/shoulders or else you fuck your shoulder like I did my junior year
tfyuhjnbgf: Do you use your calves? Would you post a pic of your calves?
therealpeej3: Do you want me nude too?
tfyuhjnbgf: No the calf is fine, you can take it shoe and sock less if that makes you feel more *comfortable*.
therealpeej3: I'm actually really tempted. You're fucking hilarious.
tfyuhjnbgf: Do eeetttt!
therealpeej3: http://icecreamhasnobones.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/calves-whispering.jpg
Trust me I don't understand how they are different colors. Maybe I just tan weird.
tfyuhjnbgf: I don't know what everyone else is talking about. The fappening is happening *here*.
therealpeej3: Someone anyone give this man gold. I would but we all know my struggles in this thread.
| 13 | 1.923077 | |
1409870533 | 1409932771 | t3_2fhykw | t5_2to41 | 1,341 | notafanofincest: TIFU by matching with my cousin on Tinder
So for anyone who doesn't know what Tinder is, it's basically a hookup app. The app shows you pictures of people nearby, you right-swipe someone if you like them (and left-swipe if not), and if they like you as well, you can message each other.
I've had Tinder for a few weeks now, and my technique is to basically right-swipe (ie. 'like') everyone in the hopes of getting as many matches as possible (yes I'm shallow I know). A few hours ago I opened up the app and got into my usual swiping frenzy, only half paying attention to what I was doing. Amidst that chaos one girl popped up, who the app informed me I had mutual Facebook friends with, and whose picture and name I recognised from Facebook, but before my brain kicked in my finger had already swiped right, and it was then that I immediately realised I just right-swiped my cousin.
OK, so no biggie, right? It was a mistake. And I'm sure when I pop up for her, she'll realise who I am and maybe giggle, and she'll left-swipe me *because we're related*, and maybe she'll even give me a bit of ribbing next time I see her because the two of us joke around like that.
Well that's not what happened.
Because an hour ago, I received a notification on my phone that I had a new match, and then a minute later I received a notification that I had a new message. It was from my cousin, and this is what it said
http://i.imgur.com/Ba5KCTo.png
>so relived (sic) you feel the same way about me as I do about you I know its wrong but nobody has to know x
Fuck.
I haven't messaged her back. I don't know what to do. I've considered blocking her, but maybe that will make things more awkward?
Just for a bit of context, she's a year younger than me, and we're reasonable close, we see each other probably a few times a year and we always get along and have a laugh. She's a bit odd, but it never once occurred to me she was perhaps romantically interested in me.
**tl;dr I matched with my cousin on Tinder and it turns out she wants to hook up with me**
Edit: OK so I messaged her this morning on Facebook. I basically just said that I accidentally matched with her on Tinder and that I don't feel the same way about her. She has 'seen' the message and hasn't responded. I feel like our next family get together could be veeeery awkward. Also I'm 99.99% sure she wasn't joking, that's not her sense of humour at all. And for everyone asking, yes we're first cousins.
MonarchGod: You really need to man up and do the right thing here. Message her back and ask for some nudes, then decide the best course of action.
Baresark: You're my hero.
dancingmrt: The hero we need.
my_lame_life: He's the hero Reddit deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Monarch God.
bumbleeds: a 4chan user?
MindBurst: I thought 4chan is a person?
Jiveturtle: But is it a crow or a jackdaw?
GoingBackToMyWays: God I need to get off reddit I understood all these references.
| 9 | 149 | |
1409871076 | 1409896319 | t3_2fhzg0 | t5_2to41 | 94 | Lurkinalldayy: TIFU by masturbating with a UTI.
I'm not the most eloquent writer on the planet, but I'll do my best.
Just like many other FU's here, this was not today, rather it was some 5 years ago when I was a junior in high school.
For starters, I am a male. That being said, a urinary tract infection is (as I understand it) quite uncommon and very painful in comparison to the equivalent infection in a female, which makes this so much worse.
I remember it as if it was just yesterday, it was a typical day as a 17 year old student. I went to school, hung out with my friends and then headed home for dinner and some family time. Just the same as every other day of my life thus far. Except I was wrong. Oh God I was so very wrong.
At the end of the night, I hopped in the shower before bed. Obviously as a 17 year old with raging hormones, I was horny pretty much 24/7, and it just so happened I thought it would be a good night to jerk it while I was in the shower. This is where it all went wrong.
When you have a UTI, any fluid exiting your member might as well be lava. I did not know this. Nor did I know that I had contracted said infection, so in my 17 year old brain it was the same as any of the other thousand times before. False.
I hop in the shower and wash up, I've got a pretty solid boner going already and there's ample soap left over from washing my body, so I just let it lube up my man meat and go with it. Fast forward to the point of climax.
The first shot fired is when I realized my horrific mistake. As I began to ejaculate it felt like fire had engulfed my entire penis, but at the same time the sensation of an orgasm was still there and felt awesome. At this point there's nothing I can do, and so here I am on my hands and knees in the most bittersweet moment of my life, as the sensation of the orgasm and UTI come and go simultaneously. "Ahhh...uuughhhh...ahh yesss...NOOOO!" The worst part was I couldn't stop it, the train had left the station and it was full speed ahead at this point. It felt like years, years of agonizing pain mixed with intense pleasure, I was so confused at this feeling, it's difficult to describe, but I was extremely confused by the end of the ordeal.
So there I am, lying in the fetal position in the tub wondering what in the hell had just happened to me. Needless to say I didn't tell my Mom, thinking that maybe this is a side effect of constantly jerking off, and she would know the second I told her what was happening; until the next morning, the burning sensation was still there and even a short squirt of pee felt like Satan was having a house warming party in my urethra.
Went to the doc and everything got settled fine. To this day though I have no idea why I contracted it or how, especially being that I was a virgin at the time.
TL;DR: If you jerk off with a UTI, you're gonna have a bad time.
EDIT: Ladies, my apologies. UTI's are extremely painful for either sex. Thanks HopelessSemantic for the clarification.
EDIT 2: TIFU mistaking a UTI for some soap in my urethra.
red4jjdrums5: Can confirm the feeling. I kind of... passed out... on my SO at the time. She thought it was just an amazing job-well-done on her part. She was half right. Dumbass me waited until it spread to my kidneys. Don't ever do that....
Lurkinalldayy: Your kidneys?? What the hell man..
red4jjdrums5: I couldn't explain if I tried...
pennywhistlesolo: I'm so glad I'm not the only person on the planet to have done this. I still can't drink dark liquors.
| 5 | 18.8 | |
1409871468 | 1409874373 | t3_2fi03s | t5_2to41 | 5 | Tncolin: TIFU by not putting Food in the Freezer
So i live with my mum and my sister, and my sister and i share washing the dishes per week. And this week is the week before my exams and i was busy doing my assignment (cause i love procrastinating) and my mind was completely blank and i forgot to do the dishes as it was my week to do them. The next morning i woke up and realised that all of last nights dinner was still on the table. I could have sworn i saw a fly around it. I hurried to glad-wrap it and put it in the freezer. All of last nights dinner was like just made last night. Should i fess up that i forgot or should i see if they get sick from overnight dinner?
peachesonmymeat: Uh, you need to throw that food away. That's nasty and completely unsanitary.
Tncolin: Is it that bad?
Random_Dawn_14: Yes! You shouldn't eat food that has been left out over night uncovered. That's just gross...
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409872539 | 1409948492 | t3_2fi1xp | t5_2to41 | 69 | weCouldSellGoats: Tifu by going to take a shower
So I was 13~14, below average height and regrettable judgement. Earlier that day, in school around lunch, some 6-foot bear guy, for some reason, jumps and swipes his arm up and the tips of his fingers brush the ceiling. Seeing this I think "Cool, I'm the shit, bet I could do that" (I couldn't).
This kind of bothers me for the rest of the day, as I think I should be able the reach the ceiling(I'm the shit). I try the same jump again on the way between classes. At home, I try to reach the ceiling at least once every time I walk to my room or the kitchen, I go to boxing (I'm jumpy there too). I return home go to my room (swipe at ceiling) and get ready for a shower.
At this point dark out and I'm the only one in the house. I walk into to parents bathroom(where the good shower is), undress, throw sweaty clothes outside door. I then lock the door, because only spiders scared me more than the thought of opening my eyes in the shower to a guy with a knife. I was scared shitless by the idea of crazyShowerKnifeGuy. Something about the figure appearing out of nowhere in the few seconds of vulnerability, it took me to clear the water from my eyes, haunted me. It didn't help that I probably watched Psycho or one of the Halloween or something recently(/s "people in showers don't live"). I took the key out of the lock...
Feeling relaxed, safe and naked I open the door the shower and stop. My eyes drift upward. I leap, convinced this time will be different. Nope. Once again, closer but nope. I couldn't reach the ceiling, that was becoming clear now, a misbegotten dream of a wayward youth. There was nothing to do about it but accept my limitations, that there were some obstacles that one could never overcome no matter how hard or long(couple hours) you persevered, that I must grow up...
Although, I could probably reach the light bulb. And I did it. The moment I felt the gentle golden caress of the underside of the light bulb was the greatest moment of my life, nay of any life. Looking back, a part of me died then. The single greatest moment of euphoria having passed, come and gone, leaving only a shadow of decline behind it.
I leap one last time, slightly higher and catch the bottom of the bulb.
It shatters spectacularly. Shards of glass scatter everywhere in the en-suite and it is suddenly very dark. I am naked, I cannot see anything and I'm surrounded by broken glass in a locked room.
Murts32: What happened next?
Landredr: He died
jahannan: rip in peace op
tater-nuts8: rest in peace in peace?
A_favorite_rug: It's a reddit joke
tater-nuts8: ahhhhhhh
A_favorite_rug: I'm due time you will know.
Your first lesson will be to look up maggot girl, one of reddit's most historical posts.
| 8 | 8.625 | |
1409871862 | 1409880134 | t3_2fi0s8 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Snoosnoo_Fish: TIFU by forgetting about my brothers history with alcohol, and the terrors of the Booze Poos.
So this actually happened today...
So, according to the title, today I suffered from the Booze Poos. I'm sure that nearly everyone that reads this is aware of the incomparable sensations this causes in your gut/bowels.
But of course, my fuck up did not start this morning, but the night before. I recently turned 21 and enjoy going to the country dance hall with my friends. In order to prepare for dancing, my two brothers and I devised a plan that would get us feeling good prior to arriving at the dance hall. This would not only save us some money, but also keep us from getting to "fucked up" (yes, how ironic).
Fuck up #1: This is not my fuck up, but my brothers. I have two brothers, and we are all close in age. My oldest brother, lets call him Bro #1, does not partake in the consumption of alcohol because he doesn't like the taste. Also, Bro #1 is introverted and normally does not come out to the dance hall. You could imagine my surprise when I received a text that day stating that he would be going out with us and have a few drinks. AWESOME! So I picked up a bottle of rum so we could do some shots before leaving. Keep in mind, I am not experienced with purchasing alcohol of any sort. Due to my inexperience, I selected a bottle of 94 proof spiced rum.
Tonight, we would be like Captain Jack Sparrow. This was going to be awesome.
When I arrived at their place, Bro #1 and Bro #2 were playing super smash bros on the game cube. That was cool, we all enjoy that shit. Anyways, I opened the bottle of rum, poured three shots, and laid them out. We toasted to the evening, and drank them.
This is where his fuck up started.
Bro #1 never drinks. Therefore, is not good with shots, or alcohol in general. He kicked back the little shot glass, and tried to drink it. But his body gave him a quick "What the hell is this shit" spasm, and it shot out of his nose/mouth onto the carpet. Bro #2 and myself looked at him in disbelief as he was coughing and choking for air. This wasn't good. He ran to the sink and started to heave. I looked at my bro #2 and he looked at me. I have never felt so bad. Here was Bro #1 coming out of his shell, drinking, and going dancing, and I ruined that. Needless to say, after heaving for a bit he ran to the bathroom and deposited his dinner in the toilet. Shit. Not only did I, once again, turn my brother off of alcohol but I made him waste his meal. Damn.
After all this went down, Bro #1 turned out to be a trooper. He changed his pants (puke gets everywhere yo) and we left.
Night went great and we all had a good time, he just ended up being the DD so we could enjoy ourselves without worry.
My fuck up: So upon waking up, I was greeted with a hefty headache, and a rumble in my gut. Great. I stumbled over to the restroom and let demons fly. It was a rough one, and I almost cried. However, it all ended pretty quickly and soon my headache was gone. I decided that it would be good to grab a quick bite to eat before heading home. I stopped at the nearest Whataburger and ate. Feeling better, I decided that instead of going straight home, I would stop at the Walmart and get some groceries. This is where it started. While on the road, I started to feel (what I thought was) gas brewing. Well, no big deal! I will just crop dust the chip section. Bad move. I got inside of Walmart and started to shop. I could feel the brew getting heavier and heavier. So I made my way down the isles and leaned to the side to let some gas out.
It was not gas.
This was the leftover squirts.
It was too late.
My heart started racing, and I started to sweat. Not only had I just shit my pants, but it was running down my leg. I booked it to the nearest bathroom and tried to hold the rest of the stew in. As soon as I started to open the door to the stall, it hit me again. A sudden rush of liquid started to flow as soon as I was pulling off my belt. Shit was going down. Literally. As I seated my self onto the toilet, I observed the damage. Socks are ruined. Shit. Boxers are ruined. Damn. Pants somehow untouched. Thank God. I ditched the socks and boxers when I was done, and bolted out of there. I will never go back.
TL;DR: Gave my brother a shot that he could not handle, karma spewed out of my ass.
manny2259: Swear on my life my brother walked in on the bathroom you destroyed.
Snoosnoo_Fish: Tell your brother I'm sorry....
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409875005 | 1416658974 | t3_2fi5zm | t5_2to41 | 69 | Twist28712: TIFU by cheating on a girl on our first date
Ok, truth be told, this was about 4 years ago. I was 28 at the time, and I met this girl who was 20. We worked together, and one day I asked her out. My usual spot to take a girl on a date is Chile's (it works, and they're decent on food and price). I picked her up at her house and headed that way. On the way, she mentioned that she has not been feeling well all day. I offer to postpone the date, but she refuses, says she is fine. When we get to Chile's and start walking up to the front door, she suddenly runs to the bushes and hurls. I run over and help her as best I can and try to comfort her a bit. We decide that postponing the date would probably be best. So, I take her home. Like I said, she was 20. She lived at home with her Mom, the only child of a split family. When we got to her house, I walked her inside. Her Mom asked what happened, I told her the story while the girl decided to go on to bed. As I was about to leave, her Mom asked me if I wanted to hang out for a bit and keep her company. I figure my nights pretty empty now, so, why not? We sit down on the couch and chit-chat for a bit. She offers me a drink, vodka, my weakness. We talk some more and get a little buzz going. That's when things go to porno plot mode. The Mom was 47 at the time. She was hot, a definite MILF. Think Michell Pfiefer, you can't tell me that she is not hot at 56. She starts flirting with me a bit, asking very personal questions. Then the touching, then a bit of kissing, then I'm plowing her like a farmer in his field in the fall. It was great. I ended up staying the night in her bed since I was a bit too drunk to drive, and we were up late doing the nasty.
In the morning, I collected my stuff and proceeded to sneak on out of the house. When I got downstairs, I ran into trouble. The girl I had originally started the night with was there. She didn't know I was still there until I came downstairs. She had a look of disgust and shock. I had a "deer-in-headlights" look. I didn't know what to say. "Hey, your Mom's awesome." No, that would be so wrong. "Wanna try our date again tonight?" Nope, can't ask that, I think that ship has sailed. I ended up going with "Are you feeling better?" She responded "Fuck you, get out of my house!"
I worked with her for about 6 more months before I left that place for a better job. In all that time, she never talked to me. She would give me dirty looks, and I heard from others what she was saying about me. I hooked up with her Mom a couple more times, but never when she was around.
**TL;DR** Date with a girl fizzled out because she got sick, so I took her home and fucked her Mom.
desperatengineer: Wait, where did you fuck up?
crispAndTender: He didn't fuck them both
llewlem888: Specifically, he didn't fuck the girl before the mother, and he didn't ask the girl's opinion first.
In a non-sexually repressive society, the girl should have been okay with that, but we live in 'Murica.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1409872173 | 1409945221 | t3_2fi1bl | t5_2to41 | 89 | uga2atl: TIFU by answering the door at 3 am
We had a party a few years ago in college. Nothing ridiculous happened at the party, but once everyone had left and the roommates were all passed out, I noticed some flashing blue lights out my window. I went to go see what was up, and this random girl from the party comes knocking at our door. She was from out of town and her boyfriend had gotten a DUI, so she told the cops to take her to the only place she knew. We let her crash on our futon.
Fast forward to the next morning, which is a college football gameday at an SEC school. We planned to have dozens of people over to our house for a tailgate, and many arrived before we were all awake. One of my roommates was giving some parents a tour of the house and noticed some dirt in the kitchen. He picked it up with his hands and threw it away.
That's when it hit him. He smelled his fingers. This wasn't ordinary dirt, it was shit. There was SHIT on the kitchen floor.
And then we noticed a brown streak on one of the nearby walls. And another one leading to the next room. The futon was smeared with shit, and next to it was a brown handprint of shit on the wall. The sheets from the futon were missing, and we found them stuffed in the washer with...you guessed it...more shit. There was shit in the hallway, leaving a trail to the bathroom where there was shit on the toilet, the floor, and the cabinet doors. There was shit in every downstairs room in the house, and at the time, nobody knew who did it.
There were several possible culprits, but I had my eye on shit girl, who at this point was stranded at our house with 1 shoe, a dead cell phone, and no ride.
She eventually snuck away, never to be seen again, and only then did we figure out the identity of the one true shitter: shit girl.
tldr; The shit hit just about everything but the fan that night.
Cyberpork: What the fuck is a DIU ??
lacrimaeveneris: In case you actually don't know, it's a "Driving Under the Influence" charge. That is, drunk driving. Big no no in the States.
sirdevinstine: Thats a DUI not a DIU
lacrimaeveneris: The only reference I see in the original post that /u/Cyberpork might be referring to was "DUI," unless there was a misspelling that was being referenced. I assumed that /u/Cyberpork was asking about the DUI that OP comments on.
| 5 | 17.8 | |
1409875811 | 1410226978 | t3_2fi7d3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Enthereal: TIFU by going to the beach
The following takes place in Southern California.
Today, a buddy and I decided it would be a good idea to go to the beach since the local schools just started and tourist season is over. We arrive at our favorite beach and theres not a soul there. No lifeguards nothing. We're absolutely stoked and run into the water as fast as possible. We think the water is around 70 or 71 degrees, which is incredibly warm compared to our average 66 to 68 degrees. The waves aren't too big or too small. It was the perfect day.
After bodysurfing for about 15 minutes, I try and ride a wave thats a little too big and it throws me onto the ground. Panicking, I stand up as fast as possible. My foot slides off something slippery in the sand below. A singular "fuck" crosses my mind. Something penetrates the arch of my foot and I sprint to shore screaming "I got stung! I got stung!". I arrive at our stuff, take out a water bottle and pour out some water to clear the sand from the wound. Blood is seeping out of my foot from a hole just bigger than the tip of a pencil. I take my shirt (RIP shirt) and use it to apply pressure and stop the bleeding while my friend calls 911 and looks for help. At this point the pain is slowly creeping up my leg and i'm beginning to panic. I didn't know this before but stingray stings hurt more than anything ever. Ever. We wait around for 4 minutes until 3 firetrucks and 1 ambulance arrive (great response time). Unfortunately there's a gate on the side of the road that was locked, so access to the beach is currently not available to the emergency personnel. After another 10 minutes of waiting, the firemen decide to hop the fence and open it from the other side (i'm not joking it took them 10 minutes to figure this out). One firetruck leaves and I'm left with 2 lifeguards, 2 paramedics and 6 firefighters, my friend and a random old French couple that appeared out of nowhere.
The firemen do a routine Q&A session before taking my blood pressure 4 times because it was all over the place (from 131 over 97 to 92 over 51). Eventually I get put onto a backboard and brought to the lifeguard building, where my foot is dropped into scalding hot water for an hour and a half. Then I went home.
TL;DR My foot was penetrated by a sea creature.
BumBaDumBum: I know they hurt like a bitch, but for the most part stingray stings are mostly harmless. All that would be necessary to solve it would be to head back home and stick your foot in some very hot water with some Epsom salt. Happens to the best of us every now and then.
lordkiwi: tell that to Steve Irwin
BumBaDumBum: Notice how I said for the most part. Stingrays in Southern California are typically very small so it would take you falling onto it chest first for it to have a chance of hitting your heart
| 4 | 3 | |
1409876910 | 1409955516 | t3_2fi941 | t5_2to41 | 24 | megaofthebyas: TIFU by eating too many shrooms and lying
Couple of months ago, me and a group of friends decided we were going to end the summer semester by doing shrooms together. Our experienced friend suggested we all do an eighth for our first time trying it. Such a terrible, terrible idea.
Everything was going well until I decided to shut my eyes and falling asleep upstairs in my friends room while everyone else was downstairs. During my sleep I started having nightmares and was moving unconsciously that I have no recollection of. I was told I was rolling around on the ground, playing music on the laptop, and uttering nonsense. With all my friends high on shrooms, nobody knew what to do and they had no idea I wasn't acting on my own.
They tried waking me up to no avail. They soon got desperate because they didn't know how to control me while I was sleep flailing. They then come up with a brilliant plan to try to knock me unconscious by punching me as hard as they can. One of them punches me in the stomach, another punches me in the chin, and another punches me in the eye. Apparently I was unfazed and still rolling around and rambling nonsense.
The final resort was calling 911 on me. I understand they did this as a last resort and that they were scared, but because they called 911 I was taken to the hospital and had my swollen face checked out.
I lied to my dad about the shrooms and told him I only went to the hospital to get my swollen face checked out from falling down the stairs. Now the insurance bill came and his insurance doesn't cover the county hospital I went to and every lie I foolishly made is going to come full circle and nip me in the butt.
Sven_88: Just because an ambulance comes doesn't mean you have to go with them. You can refuse treatment.
megaofthebyas: I was in an altered state and couldnt really refuse to say no. It was a pretty stressful situation for my friends at the moment.
Sven_88: Sorry I thought you were Ok when they arrived. After reading it again I don't know where I got that from. Hope your face is better.
randomreasons: Don't worry about it. He was "in an altered state and couldn't really refuse to say no". What are you on now, OP?
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1409879209 | 1409937969 | t3_2ficq8 | t5_2to41 | 5,306 | spidergoat85: TIFU by having sex with my pregnant girlfriend.
So this all takes place last week Friday night. My girlfriend was 38 weeks pregnant and we were both waiting for her to burst anytime now. That night we watched some Breaking Bad and passed out. In the middle of the night she wakes me up by giving me oral. So she throws down for a few minutes and decides to get on top of me, which by the way I'm not to fond of because of her being pregnant and all. Also my girl is a squirter and things get pretty wet. As she is riding me all of a sudden it's as if a waterfall came out of her. As I lay there swimming in this warm fluid it never occurred to me that this could be out of the norm. Finally she got off because she noticed it too. So I jump up to grab a towel, which is a necessary when having sex, and flip on the lights to asses the situation. That's when I see that her water broke with my dick inside her and I have some kind of amniotic sac membranes all over my man mane. I flip out and start dry heaving profusely. All the while my girlfriend is laughing her ass off. Also the fact that I'm being cocked blocked by a unborn baby. Thus started a trip to the hospital.
FredLives: Baby didn't cock block you, it just got tired of being poked in the face by your dick
Miseru: /u/shitty_watercolour
Neroxela: /u/shitty_watercolour
literal-hitler: Beetlejuice.
I mean /u/shittywatercolour
PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS: Someone please don't tell me if this actually works.
Stiggy1605: Saying Beetlejuice three times? Nah, it's like saying Candlejack, nothing's going to ha
Dus10_: I have always wondered if Candlejack presses the save but
Edit: I do
PmButtPics4ADrawing: Wtf is candleja
Elek3103: Candlejack is a charac
juggalo122390: Serious question though, where did candlejack origi
Elek3103: Candlejack originated from a carto
jimbojangles1987: Ok seriously guys I just wanna know the story behind candlejack. Will someone please expl
| 13 | 408.153846 | |
1409875239 | 1409941053 | t3_2fi6e2 | t5_2to41 | 86 | permanentthrowawayay: TIFU by passing an off duty police officer
Before I tell this story, I'd like to say that regardless of being pulled over ~14 times before the date of this story, I have zero moving violations on my driving record, which includes speeding tickets.
So this happened probably 4 years ago when I was 17. I was driving home around 8 or 9 pm and like I normally would do, equipped with my $40 radar detector. I drive an 07 VW GTI, which isn't an insanely fast car but definitely encourages a teenager to have irresponsible amounts of fun. I came up behind some type of SUV (think of a nissan pathfinder) going about 5 below the speed limit, so I waited for the hill to crest, and overtook that slow sunumabitch. I distinctly remember wanting to give the other driver lots of space because the road was very straight and there was no reason to cut him off. So downshifted to 2nd, and red-lined the engine; something I would do often because in cars with small turbo charged engines, it allows you to accelerate very fast without actually going too fast for regular "street driving".
So as I rejoined the right lane after making the illegal yet safe pass (the yellow line was solid, regardless of the half-mile arrow straight road) and the guy in the SUV immediately accelerated and high-beamed me obviously trying to read my license plate. I realized what was happening, as a I had a healthy level of paranoia developed from fulfilling my role as a complete dick driving around with my friends on the roads of Massachusetts. Deciding that whoever was behind me was already unhappy with my decision to overtake them over a solid yellow line, I decided to simply shift back down to 3rd gear, accelerate away, and drive the remaining mile to my house where I could then park in my driveway, run inside, and hide. After what felt like a movie scene involving screeching tires and 3 hard 90 degree turns, I turned onto my street, took the final turn before my driveway, and braked just in time to see a police cruiser coming very fast around the turn I had just taken. Lights came on, loud ass siren blip, I was being pulled over in my own driveway.
TL:DR; the only thing worse than being asked for your license/registration is being asked to shown to your front door where your parents are waiting with their arms folded.
TheJonesSays: The off duty cop sounds like a complete prick.
TheXEADragon: For enforcing the law?
TheJonesSays: It was uneccessary. Like arresting someone for having a tiny little nugget of weed. Circumstances.
TheXEADragon: It's their job.
TheJonesSays: Yeah, I don't think you understand the point so we are done here.
TheXEADragon: The laws are there for a reason.
If you can't understand that then I feel sorry for you.
Hizakix92: Even the laws have regulations.. sounds like entrapment to me.
| 8 | 10.75 | |
1409881911 | 1409932562 | t3_2figtn | t5_2to41 | 7 | Yup_I_Fucked_Up: TIFU by hinting that I am going to propose to my GF to my GF
While heavily drinking this past holiday weekend, and just getting home from an extended assignment, my GF was telling me about how all her friends are getting engaged and getting depressed about it. With being all depressed about it, she starts talking about her wedding and planning for it won't be as extensive as her friends. Just going on and on about it. My thinking is that she is trying to get out of me if I will propose to her. We have been dating for 3 years now. In my infinite wisdom (thanks Mr. Daniels), I dropped that I had a 'plan' and nothing more. Now she's asking me when will I be leaving my current job, housing (I still live at home), and the like. Mind you, my current job has me sitting in the Gulf of Mexico from 1-2 months on a rig with 3-5 weeks off. I make stupid money that helps pay for vacations that I take her on and if I try to find a new job where I live, that pay get cuts more than half BEFORE taxes.
TL;DR - Hinted at proposing, now getting hounded to find a new job.
Otolia: You should not propose, you should discuss and then propose.
chickenisfowl: unless what you really want is just a wedding and not a necessarily a marriage.
after discussion... if you have to get rid of either the job or the girl ... ditch the girl... you wouldn't make a good team anyway
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409879150 | 1409910958 | t3_2ficn6 | t5_2to41 | 29 | warshadow: TIFU by having a drawl.
Unlike most TIFU, this happened about 2 hours ago.
I walk into the office next door to my own early this morning to discuss some business with a supervisor. There are two ladies I work with sitting at their desk putting on makeup and doing their morning gossip before work starts. It's pretty normal.
This morning as I walk out of the office, moving past them, I catch the eye of one of them. Men, as you know, women are typically grouchy in the morning, especially if they aren't fully awake and or clad in all their womanly creams and beautifying makeup.
"Uh oh, the saw me, I shall now sneak quietly past while the women put on their war paint."
I said this out loud. I have a drawl a mile wide, and was pretty tired myself.
All hell breaks loose. I'm getting yelled at, called a rat bastard, and being threatened that they are going to file an EO complaint on me or sexual harrasment.
All the while, I stand there, confused as fuck. It seemed such as such an over reaction to the term "war paint". I grew up hearing my mom, her friends and the women I went to school with calling makeup war paint.
And then one of them says " I can't believe you would call us whores!!!!"
"Oh my god!! I said war!!! W. A. R!!!!
There was a moment of awkward silence as they started trying to say war and whore, in what they perceived to be my accent. Apologies followed with much laughter on their part, as I stumbled outside to smoke and be thankful I just didn't get a career ending sexual harassment charge.
TDLR: Texas drawl; two women thought I said "whore paint" in reference to their makeup. Whore and war apparently sound the same...
Dodged an EO/sexual harassment case.
travlinjones: fuckin whores..learn to listen
beeraholikchik: "I said WAR paint, you fucking dirty whores!"
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1409875582 | 1409939539 | t3_2fi6zv | t5_2to41 | 12 | Nonosethegreat: TIFU By getting ass juice in my face (a poem)
My significant other
Is like no other
A slight attraction to pills
Fondly, he called them "the dills"
Dilaudid was his drug of choice
And despite the hesitation in my voice
I agreed to oblige in a peculiar way
To get him high for the day
He mixed the the crushed pills in some water
And warmed it up so it was a tad bit hotter
I was handed a straw and told to suck
"Help me put this up my butt"
I stared in dismay at his request
"But babe, this way is the best!"
I let out a great sigh and he laid on the bed
Ass in the air, cheeks spread
Solution in the straw, careful to not let it touch my tongue
I slid the straw into his bum
With his brown eye staring into my two
I tried to ignore the faint smell of poo
With one deep breath I blew as hard as I could
And then I heard the sound of creaking wood
My boyfriends cousin just burst in
Why of all people did it have to be his kin?
Startled from the sudden invasion
He left as fast as he has come in
But not before witnessing the atrocity
Of opiate ass juice being squirted on to me
Completely disgusted I flew backwards in shock
All while he tried to his hide his cock
Embarrassed and ashamed I still had to laugh
And wiped off some juice that had ended up on my calf
I learned my lesson
And never again am I messin'
With the risky business that is getting high
By blowing opiates into the ass of a guy
TonytheGemmer: Someone sing this please.
Blindman_: This.
| 3 | 4 | |
1409882947 | 1410019438 | t3_2fiigd | t5_2to41 | 4 | program_this: TIFU by being legal in all countries except the U.S. to drink alcohol
Third year at college, and I'm feeling pretty confident at the whole partying aspect whilst being under the tender age of 21 (or so I thought...). Two weeks ago, Saturday night rolls around and my friend group and I decide to go to a house party in a part of town we had never been to before. An hour into the party, I'm not even buzzed so I decide to go get my even younger friend and blow that popsicle stand. Suddenly, the boys in blue show up, and thinking that my younger friend would get in even more trouble than I would (she was a student-athlete), I take her beer (I was empty handed before this) and BOOM age, id, etc.... The drinking ticket and lawyer will be about $1000, which is exactly what I made this past summer.
Kids: don't take the fall for your friend. We're all guilty.
fucking_web_dev: Wtf is your friend not paying this?
program_this: I should ask them to help out, but no they just gave me a thanks.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409882651 | 1409884126 | t3_2fihzk | t5_2to41 | 29 | ForgottenPhenom: TIFU By Putting IcyHot On My Ballsack [NSFW]
Whelp, this is how it started:
I was in the locker room at a local gym with some friends. We know each other very well and one of my friends had one a IcyHot roller thing. One of my friends needed it and applied it to his skin. Then one of the five guys decided that "we need to all get some and put it on our dicks."
So we did. We were already in a circle and we each rolled three or four times on our hands. Then we applied them to our ballsack. Immediately 1 of the guys was flipping out, laughing and such.
I thought it didn't work on me because I didn't feel anything. Then it set in. It hurt like A MOTHER FUCKER. Don't get me wrong, the cold felt great, but holy shit. When it got hot...I wanted to cut my balls off.
So yes. Here are five guys in a public locker room in a popular gym acting like little kids. It was honestly the worst pain I have ever felt down in that region.
I do not have an STD and if they feel ANYTHING like that, then I never, ever want one.
It lasted for about 1 hour and all of our balls were bright red like a Christmas tree.
**tl;dr:** long story short, we didn't work out due to our ball sacks being on fire. 2/10 would do it again.
teiu88: 2/10 would do it again...
2/10 is equal to 1/5
Five guys were there
So who's doing it again?
ForgottenPhenom: Ah I was hoping someone would catch that! Hahaha definitely not me
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1409883520 | 1409896870 | t3_2fijb9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to impress a girl at school
Didn't happen today, but this haunts me.
I was 10 at the time. Around that time I used to wear jogging bottoms to school, because I was too cool for the set clothes you had to wear. Also, at this point, I happened to really like a girl. I was chubby and dorky, so I gave up hope. That was until a day I was given a bright hope at love with this girl. While walking around the playground, I felt a strange sensation in my bottoms. I didn't know it at the time, but I was erect. Badly. Instead of trying to hide my happy helper I strolled around the playground thinking I'd finished puberty before anyone else, and got close to this girl multiple times, hoping she'd take a glance at my trooper. It didn't feel weird at all. It felt so right.
Well, I "accidentally" bumped into the girl front first, forgetting my little guy, and must've severely stabbed her because her face was that of shock and terror. She looked up, because she was on the floor, and saw my penis poking through the joggers at her. She told the teacher and I got punished. Punished for being a creep.
I never saw that girl again.
**tldr** wasn't aware to why my penis was hard, nearly murdered a girl with the knife in my pants, got punished and never saw the girl again.
CodyWilson7: Dominance established
billycro1: What's step two?
| 3 | 2 | |
1409884398 | 1412790276 | t3_2fiko0 | t5_2to41 | 12 | EyrionOfTime: Tifu by not eating leftover chicken
Okay.. so this happened yesterday but the effects of my Tifu are still in effect as I type these words.
A little backstory~
Me and my brother were going to visit our grandparents, our parents were going on a business trip to Las Vegas so we thought we'd help our grandparents out. My grandfather is a home improvement type guy, he built the house they live in now. So we were planning on helping him with a few projects he can't do alone, 2 strapping young gents could help out a great deal, maybe even get some quick cash.
So the last day where my family (mom, dad, brother) is at our home, we all decide we'll just get a quick dinner so we don't have to worry about cleaning up, etc. I go down to the store and pick up a rotisserie chicken, the ones that come in the small bag. I bring this bird home, and it smells really good. Can't wait to cut a slice and make a chicken sandwich. However, it seems my parents just ordered a pizza and some random Chinese food while I was gone. I was really craving some Chinese food so I dug in, even managed a slice of mushroom pizza. After I finished, I saw the poor bird, neglected and forgotten, sitting on our counter. I said "I'm sorry" to the poor fowl, opened the gates of Leftover Hell, also known as the "Fridge", and placed the forgotten bird on the second shelf down, next to a block of Trader Joes' Rosemary Asiago cheese which has no place in the story whatsoever.
Fast forward 8 hours. I get up, make a bratwurst for breakfast, and remember we have orange juice! Man I could go for some orange juice! So I (really fucking weird goat sound outside my window as I type, like a frog crawling into a goats anus using mustard for lube) open the fridge, and spot the accursed bird glaring at me, accusing me of not eating it to be shit out that morning. So I grab that bird, and proceed to throw it into the trash bin.
I'm guessing when I say an hour later, but roughly between the time I discarded the chicken and when I got out of the shower, I found the trash bin on it's side. First thought was a bag of uneaten poultry came back to life to exact it's revenge on me, second thought was my dog ate it. I have a Blue Queensland Heeler, part Jack Russel, so he's pretty smallish, but can knock the trash over easily. I walk around the corner and see that fucking bird haven been ripped apart, and shredded to oblivion, with my dog looking like Shrek made him one of the balloon animals (Snake and frog) in the movie. I thought that abused chicken carcass the worst mess I'd clean up that day. I was wrong.
Since no one would be there to take care of the dog, we decided to bring the bloated beast with us to our grandparents home. It's an hours drive, so we thought it best to get going before we have to drive in the noon sun. Packed our stuff, got some sodas, and we're on our way. We put Frost (our dog) in the back seat, and drive. About a hakf hour in we hear... gagging? This horrible, yacking sound. I look back and see Frosts' body convulsing, eyes bulging out his head pleading "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, KILL ME!!!", and out shoots this white gob of half digested chicken, flying in a glorious arc and promptly landing in the unused cup holder. My brother screamed, having been on a SciFi movie spree so God knows what he thought was happening, and Frost dropped to the seat, a look of pure relief on his face.
10 minutes to go, we hear that awful hacking sound again. Not 2 seconds after we heard it, that vengeful bird was sprayed over the car seat, and IT DID NOT STOP, for an entire minute, Frost projectile vomited every square inch of the back seat, with the car going 40 MPH he was rolling and vomiting, trying to stand up but loosing all motor functions to the vomit cough. His body locked into one position and puked, slamming into the floor, helplessly succumbing to the bird of Hell crawling out of his throat. At last, his body just fell, giving up any hope of movement. The rest of the drive to my grandparents, he puked periodically, laying in his one spot, never moving.
I had to clean it up. My tiny dog couldn't handle an entire chicken in his stomach.
Always, always, eat your leftover chicken.
arod944: You should probably take him to a vet to get an x Ray. Chicken bones can cause serious problems especially in small dogs when ingested.
EyrionOfTime: Probably should, I'll bring him in when I get home. He's been shitting on every available surface since the vomit episode, not sure if that's a symptom O_O
arod944: Is your pup alright?
EyrionOfTime: He's fine :)
Yet another reply I never got a notification for. Odd.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1409885025 | 1409951239 | t3_2fillx | t5_2to41 | 12 | Dirtydirtysouth305: TIFU by causing my husband to get stitches
This actually happened today. For real. Woke up at 5:30 am for work, it's so dark, I'm so tired. I go into living room and see that my wonderful spastic cats have knocked over a huge ceramic vase that was on top of one of the towers of my entertainment center. Glass all over living room. Vase smashed in lots of little pieces and a few huge pieces with big nasty points. Ugh! Worst thing to wake up to. Stupid little adorable cat monsters.
So, I picked up the big pieces and put them in the kitchen garbage. Well, of course I wouldn't normally do this. Duh, it can slice through plastic garbage bag while you're taking it out and spill everywhere. But today when I opened the garbage lid, it was really full, like to the top. I know my husband tends to take the garbage out every morning. So, I figured well, it's right on top of all the garbage... It's not going to cut through the bottom of the bag... he'll see it right on top and carefully tie up bag and take it out. Ummmm.... No.
He drops me at train station and I'm downtown at work by 7:40 am. He calls me screaming like a crazy person that the glass gashed his leg and that he's gushing blood and has to go to ER ASAP. I'm stuck. I'm downtown without car. And he's got our two kids home with him getting ready to take them to school and he's bleeding everywhere and alone. Omg. I calmed him down and told him to tie one of my bras tightly around his leg below the knee and to wrap his leg real tight with a t-shirt. He brilliantly added duct tape to the mix (of course he did), dropped the little one off at school and took our teenager with him and drove himself to the ER. And yes, it was his right leg-- the driving leg.
So, the glass went in 2 inches deep and sliced into calf muscle. He got 6 stitches. Not too long but real deep. He's an umpire and couldn't work tonight. Can't run for 2 weeks. Oops. Yup, I fucked up. Against all my common sense, I threw super sharp broken glass into a plastic bag. Stupid stupid stupid.
Proof (gross) http://imgur.com/a/qOeEd
TLDR- TIFU by putting a broken glass vase into the kitchen garbage, which caused my husband to slice his leg up and get stitches when he took out the garbage this morning.
samestuff: Yeouch! Hope he has a speedy recovery!
Dirtydirtysouth305: Back to work today, woo hoo!
| 3 | 4 | |
1409887724 | 1409894694 | t3_2fipq6 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by flunking my first college quiz
This is a mild TIFU, but it happened today at least. All throughout high school, I loved History. It's my favorite subject and I always got pride in how much more I knew that my classmates. Well, I just started college last week. I had two online quizzes to do today. The first was geography in which I got a 9/10 on my first try without even touching the book. I felt like a total academic bad ass, so I trucked straight into my history quiz. Awful. Either I didn't read questions right or just didn't know as much as I thought, but I made an atrocious grade. With my ego in tatters, I panic clicked the retry button (you get two tried for a quiz, which makes this even more painful). I only had 20 minutes to complete the quiz. There was no way I could read the chapter in time. I skimmed through the book and in the end, I got a 50. Luckily I have a super lenient professor, he drops the lowest test grade and quiz grade. I was just hoping that my lowest wouldn't be my first. Lesson learned.
CANiGETaWHAT_WHAT: You didn't fuck up at all... C's get degrees bruh I'm sure you can get enough 70s and 80s to turn that right around... And if not, there's always McDonalds
Thornbearded: In high school, D is for Degree/Diploma.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409887585 | 1409922429 | t3_2fipja | t5_2to41 | 40 | helloclams: TIFU by treating myself to steak
So my girlfriend and I are grad students coming home exhausted after 8 straight hours of school. We head out to the grocery store and I decide to treat myself and get 30 dollars of ribeye steak. I've been eyeing this [recipe](http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2011/03/perfect-pan-seared-steaks-recipe.html) for months now and was hyped to try it out.
Queue dinnertime. I've salted these two beautiful steaks for a little over an hour now. We've nearly finished the corn chowder side dish we're going to have with our steak. I am so ready for this steak. I pull out the cast iron skillet, stick 2 tablespoons of canola oil and crank that sucker to high. The recipe says to cook the steaks when the oil starts smoke, so I throw those suckers on when I see a few wisps. As the seconds tick by the smoke just builds faster and faster to the point where the kitchen is thick with it. I realized the smoke is from bits of burnt stuff still on the cast iron that I missed while cleaning. I think to myself "Whatever, this totally happens cooking steak on a skillet." Then the fire alarms go off and I think to myself "Too late now, this steak is halfway there. No turning back." 30 seconds later I'm choking on the smoke, eyes are tearing as I'm trying to flip the steak. My girlfriend runs around the house flipping all the windows open like a rational person. I can barely see anything and have to duck down to breathe but my stupid mind is fixated on finishing this so I keep the stove on and try to finish this thing. End up covering our entire town home in smoke, scaring the shit out of my girlfriend and cat, and experience smoke asphyxiation.
To be fair though, that steak was the best one I've ever made. The crust on that sucker was immaculate.
TL;DR: Choking on smoke while cooking a steak. I keep going. Steak is tasty though.
I_Will_Try_More: Sounds like you need a BBQ.
helloclams: I do. Just too damn lazy to light the coals and clean up. Next time it's definitely going on the grill though.
SexBobomb: Got any questions about propane, or propane accessories?
| 4 | 10 | |
1409891362 | 1409902412 | t3_2fiur6 | t5_2to41 | 63 | ShamedAboutMyPrank: TIFU by pranking my friend by defecating in his fiance's sink at their engagement party.
My best pal has become engaged. I knew I had to perform a memorable prank at the engagement party that was being held at the fiance's house.
My choice of prank was to blast ass directly into the sink in the bathroom. I got up onto the counter, squatted over, and I did indeed defecate right into the sink. This was some hardcore fecal sludge as well, not just some lamefucked solid shits. This was all sorts of slop.
Yeah in hindsight it wasn't a great prank, but in the moment I just thought it'd be hilarious. I thought it'd be something we all looked back on in later years with some merriment. I know the prank sounds extreme, but the extremity of the prank to me is what made it hilarious. The point was that it was *so* fucking absurd that you'd *have* to laugh. I thought I took it beyond the gross point to the realm of the completely over-the-top absurd, a realm I believed would default to automatic hilarity. Such was my logic.
To make a long story short, the entire party freaks the fuck out. I copped to the deed and tried to explain the prank. Did not fly. Fiance literally cried, screaming, the whole bag. My friend was "outraged". They made me leave the party. They say I am not invited to the wedding anymore. The only one at the party who thought my prank was funny was the damned demented cousin.
I have lost my greatest friendship due to a miscalculated prank. Yes, I fucked up.
iammacman: Why would anyone do shit like that at a party?
ShamedAboutMyPrank: As I explained, my intention was to perform a memorable prank.
joelwinsagain: There's a fine line between a prank and being a dick, but you leapt across that line, ran for an hour, and then took a shit.
FuckOffINeedToStudy: Holy shit filled sink. My sides.
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1409885755 | 1409892461 | t3_2fimrn | t5_2to41 | 13 | Giggatron: TIFU by heel kicking a 7 year old right in his face
We were having a family bbq and some friends and co workers of my parents were invited. Naturally after one solid conversation most of the adults are too dull from years of the constant grind that I politely excuse myself to get on the sticks I have set up in their garage (NES, SNES, N64). Low and behold the my parents were repainting the guest room so there was a bed perfectly set up right in front of the tube, I fire it up and after a while I got into 8 year old mode and lay down on my stomach and move the bed even closer as I munch out and down cans of soda like its going out of style.
Well a nosy little boy heard they faint sound of Mario Kart and the "FUCK YOU"s that were coming from the garage after every match. He does have the common decency to ask if he can come in and watch and I say sure and make sure to turn the censors on my vocabulary. Well he goes around is is kinda looking all around in the room when he asks me if I'm ticklish, which I very much am. I tell him no because when you grow up your feet get really hard like a rock and you don't feel anything.
He decides to test this theory, He tickles my foot and out of years of being teased about my sensitivity I had instinctive skills that immediately incapacitated any threats. So I pull my knee up to get away from the immediate danger and then lash out to repel and cock it again in case a second hit is needed. My foot and heel went right across his face and eyes knocking him back and immediately letting out a huge cry.
Everyone comes into the room, and from their perspective it totally looks like I lured this little boy with video games, candy and soda then botched the the actual molestation. Well his parents leave immediately and I'm sitting there for the next few hours waiting for the cops to come get me for questioning. Nothing.
I saw them at a restaurant about a week later and this kid looked like uh, like if you would have put a ski mask on em, you would have sworn he was black. But the parents are pretty crass with the fact I basically entrapped their young boy to get kicked by a size 13. I payed for their dinner and they're still cool with my parents.
Tl;Dr Entrapped a little boy with a lie about rock feet, Crime Scene looked like an attempted child rape with child assault thrown in and paid for some Italian food in the end.
AreYouTicklish: Your punishment will be being tickled while completely restrained. No parole.
Giggatron: I'd rather you shot me in the face with a shotgun.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1409891212 | 1409921648 | t3_2fiuk1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Faster_Dear: TIFU by going into work early an hour early
kirigherkins: Wait, how the heck can she get away with that?
Faster_Dear: A lot of things employers do are not quite legal, but they know you won't refuse because you want to keep your job.
| 3 | 3 | |
1409894740 | 1409897237 | t3_2fiyx8 | t5_2to41 | 10 | xandirs: TIFU by opening my front door
st3dit: How is that a fuck up? You answered the door like any normal person would, the police came in and searched for someone. So you aided and investigation by letting them in. And it's not like you were hiding anything... You did the right thing.
The only thing that could be a fuck up, is the fact that you cried. o_0
Seriously dude, I'm afraid you're gonna have to turn in your man card...
xandirs: I'm female, and I feel like I fucked up by answering a door with the peep hole covered. It couldve been thieves doing the exact same thing.
st3dit: Ah okay. That makes more sense. Sorry...
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409893690 | 1409896670 | t3_2fixpt | t5_2to41 | 18 | stabinthedark_: TIFU by accidentally having a moment with another train passenger
So I was on the train coming home from work and I was holding onto the overhead bar for support. I saw a seat open up so I let my arm drop as I moved to sit down and as I did my finger tips ever so gingerly caressed the hair of the man next to me. I mean this was a full on romance novel status tender spine tingling caress that I very accidentally gave this man. I thought about suicide but I didn't have anything handy so I just sat it out. He was mortified obviously but he was a trooper and just pretended like it never happened.
amazishh: what is there was lice?or dandruff? what then eh?
stabinthedark_: No lice or dandruff, just a remarkably awkward moment.
| 3 | 6 | |
1409897550 | 1409929494 | t3_2fj1vn | t5_2to41 | 25 | i_am_a_dumbass_ama: TIFU by fighting my friend's dad
This happened two days ago. I (male, 14) was hanging out with my friend (female, 15). We're very good friends- we've known each other since 6th grade. Now, to skip a bunch of unnecessary stuff, I'll just say that we were having sex. At her house. She lives with her mom and dad. So right as I finished her dad walked into the room. Dad instincts engaged, got mad, asked what fuck was happen. I tried to explain but he got mad and I don't know exactly how we got to this but we were really pissed, and I just punched him in the face. Note that I am 6'1" and pretty athletic while dadmode is 5'10"ish, 42, and overweight. After a few punches I realize I'm about to break something of his (namely a bone) so I get up and sprint two miles home. She and I have talked briefly, she says she's not mad and her dad is okay but he wants to press assault charges. So I'm going to court next Tuesday with my cousin Vincent (just graduated from law school) representing me as a lawyer, mostly because we're broke. Fuck
Tl;dr- had sex, then fight
PM_ME_YOUR_CHINS: Doesn't sound like a fight, sounds like assault. Quality fuck up dude. I'd try thoroughly apologizing to your friend's Dad, and maybe have your fight/flight reaction scale calibrated.
i_am_a_dumbass_ama: I'm gonna try apologizing.
ThisTooShallPass14: Wait. Your cousin Vinny? That just graduated law school? Hilarious.
i_am_a_dumbass_ama: I think I might be better off representing myself but not having a lawyer will make it seem like I don't care about the case..,which I do.
ThisTooShallPass14: I'm just amused with the situation
Vaulttechceo: Good ass movie
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1409901662 | 1410011300 | t3_2fj5vw | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by "spooning" with my gf.
Actually happened last weekend. I'm 27 and have been dating my gf for 3 months. We visited her father's home last weekend (about 2 hours away from where we live) so we spent the night there.
Long story short, we started going at it while her father and step-mother were out by the pool when all of a sudden, he knocks and then comes right on in. For whatever reason, we were "spooning" underneath the blanket and as soon as he walked in we both pretended we were napping.
He instantly apologizes fro waking us up but instead of leaving, he SITS DOWN ON THE BED NEXT TO US. I was kinda freaking out, but also kinda excited (we were fucking, naturally). While he was trying to convince us to wake up and come to the pool I had the bright idea to turn things up a notch. I started moving slowly back and forth, not thinking he would notice what was going on. He did. He insta-freaked and asked what I was doing. He demanded that I come talk to him.
Now I'm completely naked with a boner inside his daughter and I'm supposed to just get up and leave the room to talk to him? I told him I will be out by the pool in a minute but he seemed pretty upset. By this time I had completely shrunk outside of the vag...
He told me to meet him outside now and walked out. As soon as he walked out I threw on my clothes and followed. He told me he knew what was going on and just found it ridiculous I would continue with him right there on the bed. In the most polite way, I asked him why he sat down on the bed and talked to us if he knew what was going on. He got really fucking pissed and told me to leave.
I didn't want to get murdered so I got my stuff and left, all the while my gf was yelling and telling me not to go. She eventually got in my car before I left and then we left. Soooo, that was the first time meeting my gf's father. Hopefully we don't fall in love.
grapedamnpopcicle: Should have pulled the blankets back and asked if he wanted in
MexicanSpaceProgram: "Nearly done mate, you wanna tag in now or good for sloppy seconds?"
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409901270 | 1409913584 | t3_2fj5ia | t5_2to41 | 8 | csangle1: TIFU by finding out where my ex husband lives
Since my ex is bringing me BACK to court again to try and lower his child support payments, I decided to pull his address up online.
Seriously? He lives in a $250,000 home. In a great city. It's beautiful there. His new wife is a lawyer, so they can afford it.
Meanwhile I'm stuck in my $600 a month shitty apartment in the ghetto where the cops are called almost nightly. I struggle to pay my rent even with his money. Oh, and now I get to fork out money to my lawyer on top of barely being able to feed my family.
But he's right, he can't possibly afford to pay for his child.
scrotobaggins13: Maybe you should have told him to pull out instead of soaking in it
csangle1: You're absolutely correct. It's my fault for wanting to start a family with my husband. Why would anyone want that?
TheNinjrKillr: Very good question.
| 4 | 2 | |
1409902409 | 1409903375 | t3_2fj6lh | t5_2to41 | 12 | Vagabond21: TIFU by getting in my rear ending someone.
Basically I was driving down this road I take when the freeway is slow. The road was slow, but around this time it usually started to pick up pace. The road itself is narrow, only one lane per way and you can't really see ahead of the car ahead of you when it's slow. For some reason, I thought the flow of the traffic was speeding up, so I floored it. By the time I realized traffic was still slow, I hit the brakes. I didn't react quickly enough as I hit the car in front of me. I don't think I was going more than 20 mph, maybe 25 mph (i highly doubt this thought), but I don't think I could have gone that fast given the distance between me and the driver ahead. The damage to my car i hardly visible. The other car sustained a slightly dented bumper, nothing really serious.
I still feel bad about this, especially considering this was my first time hitting someone.
while i waited for the highway patrol to come, at least 7 cars almost crashed in front of us. one had to cross over to the other lane, another had to break loudly.
official4chanuser: You... might want to repost this with an updated subject
Vagabond21: i'm not an analrapist
| 3 | 4 | |
1409901120 | 1409913613 | t3_2fj5cs | t5_2to41 | 10 | mydickhurtz: TIFU with inventive masturbation
I squirted suntan lotion into a latex glove, crammed it into a paper towel roll, then fucked it silly. Now I have a rash/hives on my dick. That is all.
infiniteredeye: wtf
mydickhurtz: don't pretend like you haven't tried to fuck something you weren't supposed to
TheNinjrKillr: Definitely never did that.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409904143 | 1409924988 | t3_2fj82k | t5_2to41 | 15 | MrMoonMoon: TIFU by trying to talk to Mo Farah
I was working out at my university gym and in walks Mo Farah. I've seen him around campus before but i was determined to get a picture with him this time. I waited a moment whilst other gymmers shook hands and took photos. I couldn't wait any longer. I decided to go for it whilst a bunch of staff were talking to him.
I walk up. "H-hey, are you...you know?"
Fuck. Why am i being a spastic. I know who he is. HE'S A FUCKING OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL WINNER!!
Mo: "Who?"
BOLLOCKS!
Me: "You know...that runner?"
Fuck. Great, now he knows I don't know him when I do...
Mo: *face turns to disgust*
Me: "err nevermind, thought you were someone else"
He walks away.
Fuck, fuck, fuckedy fuck fuck!
TIFU by trying to get a picture with Mo Farah and completely spazzed out.
Jack1066: Are you sure it was Mo Farah? Not just someone who looked like him?
MrMoonMoon: Im definite. He went to the same university I am currently at. Plus he had all his athletic coaching around him in a sort of human shield.
Jack1066: I agree with the other guy, it reflects more poorly on him than you. I also agree with the other guy, he probably *does* like Jello
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1409904309 | 1409954217 | t3_2fj86y | t5_2to41 | 474 | bestworstteacher: TIFU by joking around in class with one of my favorite students.
This happened around 2 years ago. There's a lot of background information that you don't really need, but would be nice if you could read to get a better understanding of why I did what I did.
**Background:** I was a high school math teacher (but not an English teacher so try and forgive spelling and grammar mistakes). Growing up all my favorite teachers were the ones that were hilarious during lectures, strict when needed, and above all else they explained things well. I wanted to be one of these kinds of teachers, and it fit well with my personality so that's what I became.
I graduated college during the super fun financial crisis, so I had a really tough time finding a job that year (although 2 years earlier schools were begging for qualified math teachers). I ended up getting a special education job. Now I had always dreamed of teaching Honors/AP classes because those were the ones where I had the best teachers. I thought that these were the studens that could keep up with my banter, would act better, would actually care about school, and would be the dream class I always wanted. So year after year I slowly moved up the totem pole and after around 4 years I finally got to teach some honors classes.
I tried to math my teaching style with the teacher's I loved growing up. I made a lot of jokes to ease the craziness that is learning math when you hate it. I had a lot of fun bantering and talking with the students. But for one reason or another, although the students liked me and thought I was a great teacher (supposedly), they didn't respect me the same way as I respected my teachers growing up. They kind of treated me like I was their older brother, instead of their wise uncle.
**The TIFU:** It's Valentine's Day and I'm in one of my favorite honors classes with some of my favorite students. I usually start the period by talking to them a little, and after a bit of asking what students will be doing for VD, one of my favorite students (we'll call him GD) asks me, "Oh bestworstteacher, what plans do you have? Nothing right?"
The class turns to me and lets out one of those generic movie "ohhhhhhhhhhhhs". So in the moment I decided to fight fire with fire and say "Oh I got a date tonight. With your mom!" in the corniest voice I could manage possible.
The entire class bursts out in laughter and embarassment, but GD, who usually would be the loudest laugher, is kind of silent. Oh god. I definitely went too far. I'm an awful teacher.
I scan the room and see three or four of his friends exchanging nervous glances at each other. These are usually GD's hype men. I take it that I really went too far. So I just started teaching. I just pretended like nothing happened and pretty soon everything was back to normal.
I planned to talk to GD after class to apologize, but as class ended I had a bunch of students come ask me questions and I got distracted and he slipped out. I didn't think too much of it at the time and just kept moving forward with my day.
As a teacher my one off period is the only time in the day where I can sit down and have some time to think (and hopefully reflect on my failure), but today I had some parent emails to respond to. After a couple of awesome emails, I got to an email about a parent who had missed parent-teacher conference day a month earlier and wanted to meet me.
Oh fuck. Parent-teacher conference day. I had met GD's father that day. The other teacher took me aside before meeting him and told me that GD's family was going through a rough time. They had just adopted multiple children from Africa. The father was a doctor who worked all the time, so a nanny, GD and his brother were the ones taking care of their adopted sibilings. I asked about the mother, and she said that the mother had cancer and died earlier in the year.
**TLDR:**I told one of my favorite students that I had a date with his dead mother for Valentine's Day.
ariadawn: I can so imagine how crappy you felt about that. If it's any consolation, your feelings are an indication of how much you care about your students. Since this was awhile ago, did you ever get a chance to talk to the kid and apologize?
bestworstteacher: I planned to talk to him the next day expecting it to be awkward. But he acted like nothing happened and I was so embarrassed that I chose the coward path and just never mentioned it.
BeatlesForSale: Eh, I'm sure he doesn't judge you for it. How were you to know that? It's just a generic joke people throw around, if he likes you I'm sure he'll let it slide.
ChocolateSporks: Because parent-teacher meeting was a month before, and the student's father told OP the mother had died. It would be different if he didn't know at all, but he knew and forgot so I think that makes him feel worse. I know a lot of people who have made the "your mom" jokes and later found out the mother is dead/ abandoned the family, it happens.
Qwintro: Yup those are the awkward moments. Most people I know who's mother/father is dead act cool about it though, if you just apologise.
| 6 | 79 | |
1409899390 | 1409936018 | t3_2fj3r8 | t5_2to41 | 96 | DrunkFapAdmission: TIFU by telling my crush I got off to her
Alright, so earlier tonight I had a few to drink and was feelin pretty good. The girl I have a crush on, we'll call her M, texts me and the texts get flirty and shit. So we're asking each other questions and I think "Huh, I wonder what she'd think if I told her I get off to her...", purely out of drunken interest to see how she'd respond.
Now, immediately after thinking that I figured it was a hit or miss thing there, there's not much grey area with that. And when you're drunk and immediately second guess something...probably a pretty stupid fucking thing to do. But anyway, I roll some mental dice and say fuck it, why not? So I ask, "M" responds, "Seriously?". Followed quickly by "When? To what?" and if I played it off there I'm sure it'd be fine...but instead I just went on to explain the last fantasy in detail and the last time I did and how much and it was just fucking weird. I misinterpreted her genuine curiosity for interest and went Captain Awkward all over that shit.
M's next response was "Ummm....this is a little weird....not gonna lie" and before I could save face she said "Off to bed...night". Andddd here I sit, extremely embarrassed, figuring out how to avoid her, and going to finish drinking all the alcohol in this house.
*Edit:* I just want to say some of you are marvelously positive people, and if I do end up getting with this chick I'll do it in your honor. But anyway, two-ish hours ago I text her saying that I wasn't in the right set of mind and that I'm sorry it made her feel weird and awkward, and there's been no response. And I'm pretty sure she saw it because she called me on accident and hung-up before I could answer. But all is not lost, for I successfully polished off all my liquor and I have today off to drown my sorrows more.
ZombieDrums: Oh boy... if you have romantic feelings for someone, expressing your sexual feelings towards them is not your best option if those feelings aren't invited. Seeing as how it's too late, you could try to explain yourself. Let her know you were drunk, being stupid, and apologize to her. I don't know if it will help the situation, but it can't hurt. You need to address the situation if you want to fix it.
obscure_renegade: > You need to address the situation if you want to fix it.
Yep.
Be honest. Tell her that you know it creeped her out, that you're sorry for being so explicit, and you won't behave like that again. Leave it at that. Don't get weepy, don't get an attitude, just be cool and calm, and accept whatever it is that happens after the fact. If she comes back around, that's great. If not, it sucks, but there will be others.
Be grateful in either case, because you have picked up a valuable lesson. You always learn more from your mistakes than you do your successes.
Miorde: The problem is that sober me usually deals with the consequences and learns, but drunk me is such and asshole, and never learns not to drunk text.
obscure_renegade: Then I'd suggest not getting drunk any more, before you *really* fuck up.
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1409906272 | 1409930001 | t3_2fj9sm | t5_2to41 | 8 | PutinCrimeaRiver: TIFU by putting the wheel back on my bike.
So like most of these on here this didn't happen today. Originally i wasn't going to put it up on here buuut so be it :D . So, 2 days ago I had a pretty messed up day at work and really wasn't in the mood for anything. I had just repaired my inner tube for my wheel yesterday so i thought i would take my mind off things and spend a few minutes in the garage collecting myself and calming down. I took out my phone turned on the flashlight and got to work. The inner tube looked like it had sealed so i slowly but surely got it back inside the tire and onto the frame. My phone runs out of battery. *great*. I have one of those garages where there's a light that says on for 10 mins after you open or close the door. I do so and I am granted with very poor light, better than nothing really. My bike lay on the floor upside down so i could easily re-attach the tire(quick release). Once the tire was placed in the frame i spun it to make sure it was running true. "Bloody hell finally" i exclaimed and quickly hit the quick release, locking the tire to the frame. I was greeted by a quick spurt of blood. I instantly knew my finger had gotten stuck in the disk brake and had a abrupt meeting with the frame of my bike, thanks to the spinning wheel. I thought it was just a nic on the side of my finger and quickly rushed to the house where i was able to see what i really did. You know when someone says they get weak at the knees in books and stuff, well it a thing. I slumped to my knees at the sight of the end of my finger dangling, only held by skin. The inner weight reducing holes in the disk brake had driven into my nail slicing clean through and shattering the end of my bone. Currently running around like a headless chicken, dripping blood everywhere my wife snaps me back into reality with a scream. She was more concerned with the amount of blood on her $400 white rug. I quickly wrapped it up with some melanin(non sticking bandage) and drove myself to the hospital where a kind plastic surgeon removed bone fragments and gave me 9 stitches.
Picture: http://imgur.com/gallery/c8zjPNd
I may upload more if needs be :)
TLDR: Moving disk brakes and finger really don't mix.
acun1994: Ouch...
I guess one could say that was 'bone-crushingly' painful.
No?..^I'll^show^myself^out.
P.S. Glad you had it fixed though,and also,get a good flashlight for heaven's sake. It ain't expensive!
mikerowphallice: Get a shop light. way better.
| 3 | 2.666667 |
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