start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1409907126 | 1409908236 | t3_2fjahs | t5_2to41 | 62 | Weewillywhitebits: TIFU Not flushing the toilet before I lifted the seat lid
TIFU. So I work in construction and usually I always flush before I lift the lid as I have seen too many surprises left . So I started work today and got that familiar rumbling in stomach of needed a shit quick style . So I proceeded the 5 minute walk through the site to the toilet. all the while holding my ass cheeks together to keep this monsterous log from breaching my asshole. So I get to toilet now here is where I fucked up . Usually I would flush but in my panic to get this shit out I just
Lifted the lid right up. Revealing what looked like a volcano of shit and what looked like a green mist coming from it . The smell was like nothing I had experienced before and what felt like torched my nasal hairs and eyeballs. So then I vomit up my scrambled eggs and toast I had for breakfast all over the cubicle floor. Then I remember I need a shit so I hightail it into the next toilet cubicle and get the shit out my ass all the while I am still retching (dry heaving) at what I have just witnessed in the toilet next too me. So I finish my business and get the fuck out of there. I now feel sorry for the next person who will visit the toilet in what must smell like a sewer on a hot summers day .
themodestninja: Awesome mental imagery. I can neither shit in public nor eat eggs again.
Weewillywhitebits: I'm sorry about the eggs that was never my intention !
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1409910140 | 1409931789 | t3_2fjcvl | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by Confessing my feelings to a coworker
I had put in my my two week notice at the job. Starting grad school across the country in 10 days. We've been best friends for a year now, and things have always been "platonish". She had a boyfriend, but she was never shutting me down either. (Everyone at work always suspected something between us.) I hung out in the friendzone and with a few days left at work I confessed to her that I was in love with her, and I don't want or expect anything, I just needed her to know at least once, before I move.
We talked for a while She went through a whole range of emotions from reciprocation to flattery before landing on panic, and saying she resents me for being a major obstacle in her current relationship with her bf, (because he's always jealous). She then said "I can't work with you anymore. If the roles were reversed I think you would freak out" She went to my boss saying she felt uncomfortable and needed space from me, my boss automatically followed protocol and shot a message to HR. HR told me that they were conducting an investigation, and so rather than deal with that I quit the next day, a week short of my notice, defriended her on fbook/snapchat/twitter etc and cut off contact.
TLDR: told crush and bff i had feelings for her, she went to HR
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: Hahaha. What did you expect, some Jim & Pam relationship? Was she a receptionist?
mikerowphallice: its like the office but with an alternate ending
TheJonesSays: Real world ending.
mikerowphallice: yes i debated on calling it that too
TheJonesSays: Both are correct.
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1409911405 | 1409934502 | t3_2fjdxd | t5_2to41 | 191 | roulettedares428: TIFU by applying the five second rule
Last night after I had just finished cooking some grilled tuna and had cut my tuna steak into pieces about the size of chicken nuggets, I decided to dine in the living room. On the way there I dropped a piece on the ground. Mind you it is dimly lit. I quickly picked it up without thinking and toss it in the my mouth. My brother has three small dogs. I think you know where this is going. Immediately I realize the consistency of the tuna was a little more squishy than normal. Then the taste hit. I've brushed my teeth six times and still can't get the taste of dog shit out of my mouth.
itsallhank: So you're saying you dropped a piece of tuna on the floor, leaned down in a "dimly lit" room and picked up a piece of shit, and ate it? So we can assume:
*Your brother lets the dogs shit in the house, and nobody cleans it up or even notices shit on the floor in a well traveled area. (from the kitchen to the living room)*
*You didn't notice the difference between a piece of dog shit and a piece of freshly cooked tuna in your hand?*
*In a house with 3 dogs, you haven't been conditioned to look at a piece of food from the floor to check for hair?*
I call BULLSHIT.
Tom_44: I believe this story. I have 3 dogs and just the other day I walked into the kitchen and found a huge pile of harden shit, suggesting it had been there for at least a little while.
My one dog is old and literally can't be let outside often enough
arcticblue: I think you might be a little too used to the smell of dogs/dog shit. As a non-dog owner, the smell of a dog or dog shit is pretty obvious to me. I have two toddlers though so I can totally understand how you can become numb to certain smells. I hardly even notice the smell of milk vomit or piss these days.
Tom_44: I may be numb to it, but then again my sense of smell is impaired I think. Because about 80/85% of the time (and that is not exaggeration) I can't smell something when everyone around me can.
So could be that.
| 5 | 38.2 | |
1409900526 | 1409927811 | t3_2fj4tw | t5_2to41 | 4 | computerfluff: TIFU by turning my blinds the wrong way, giving my roommate(s) full view of my bedroom.
I moved into this basement suite last month. There are six roommates in total. My room is the only room that has a window next to the entrance where the rest of the roommates come and go.
Outside my window is where the clothesline is.
My bed faces the window and pretty much takes up my whole room. When I have my blinds open, there's a perfect upward angle of the clothesline and the rest of the backyard. But when I close it I can't see anything.
To the story: When I got home from school this afternoon I saw a bunch of clothes hung up to dry. I go into my room, browse the internet for several hours. It gets dark. I get a massive tension headache and decide to masturbate the pain away. I hear noise, so I pause a lot, wondering if I'm being too loud--then I hear someones grassy footsteps outside my window and the door shut as they come back in. I'm a little paranoid on the off-chance someone can see my bedroom, so I go outside and see the clothes have been taken down. I slowly walk toward my window and hope to god their isn't a good downward view to my room.
There is. There really is. I realize that I can't see anyone, but they can see me. Especially if they are near that clothesline. Or if they are anywhere near my window.
95% sure whoever was drying their clothes/walking by the window saw. I still have a headache.
------
And the way I decided to masturbate today. GEEZ
tldr; don't over-estimate the privacy of blinds, be sure to make the blinds face up, and not down if you don't have a curtain.
just_another_hobo: So you're in pain and decide that tugging on your weenie will make the headache go away. Genius op. Genius.
A_cat_named_Ziggy: The chemicals released in your brain after orgasm actually help relieve headaches.
just_another_hobo: I'd rather take an Excedrin than get caught maaturbating by a roommate though.
| 4 | 1 | |
1409916487 | 1409916764 | t3_2fjil6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by reading /r/tifu
emilskoda: TIFU by reading this post.
[deleted]: I feel you bro
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409915864 | 1409925475 | t3_2fjhyc | t5_2to41 | 64 | MitchellFarted: TIFU by sticking a Marker into my urethra
I've lurked here occasionally, but after a pretty bad fuck up today, I think I've got a good enough story to post. Probably should put a warning for the squeamish, I'm not exactly going to spare any details, so be prepared for that or whatever.
I suppose the only way to start this is to say that I'm into urethral insertion, and recently I had been using [A Sharpie Marker](http://i.imgur.com/2GcMrlW.jpg) (instead of a proper sound, because I don't own any). Now there was nothing wrong with that, very smooth surface and all, but today for some reason I used it without the lid on. If you look at [This Picture](http://i.imgur.com/eZASAmQ.gif), you can see there's a sudden dip inwards at the end of the body on the left. When that entered the urethra, there was an extremely noticeable suction that pulled it inwards, it had really popped into place. The whole thing didn't get sucked in, most of the end of the pen was sticking out, but the problem was that I couldn't actually pull it out now. The pen had clicked into place, and it REALLY didn't want to come out. So now I had a dick pen.
Thankfully I had remembered from a bit ago that heating something up allowed it to expand a bit*, so I went and had a hot shower. In only a few minutes I had managed to get the marker out without much pain. There was a bit of blood coming from a small split in the lip, but other than that I ended up fine. Very glad that it all ended up fine, because it really could have went a lot worse. Will certainly be thinking twice before using improv items for this stuff.
**TL;DR:** Don't stick things into your penis, kids, you'll end up with a dick pen.
**EDIT:** *[I got science'd](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fjhyc/tifu_by_sticking_a_marker_into_my_urethra/ckabpkx). Either way, the water helped in some way or another, so I was on the right track.
Thanks for all the comments, the laughs I got from posting this and replying was well worth the small worry of the fuck up. Hope you got a good laugh out of this too.
AltaEgoNerd: I wish I could help you get a proper sound.
Try to find something better than a sharpie please.
Also, get some alcohol to clean your instrument of choice prior to insertion.
Good luck!
MitchellFarted: This probably isn't the place for asking for advice on such a topic, but what what exactly would you suggest? I most certainly make sure to wash it with warm water and soap, but what type of alcohol are you talking about (I can't imagine you mean a drink).
apostrophie: Why don't you buy a sound from Amazon? I found [this](http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00IBUEWIW?pc_redir=1409636237&robot_redir=1) one for $8 with free shipping. There's also another one . [This one](http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00KHQ2MW6?pc_redir=1408666682&robot_redir=1) seems nice; it's $18 with free two day shipping through Prime.
Investing in sex toys is a really good idea. It's safer and Amazon is really good about sending them in confidential packages. I've bought 3+ sex toys from them and it's never been an issue.
MitchellFarted: I can't figure out how to view those links in the non-mobile site, but I have looked into proper sounds and such, I just never found anything that cheap. Plus, Amazon really dislikes shipping to Australia from my experiences, if the seller actually allows it, it's normally pretty expensive.
apostrophie: Take out the m. at the beginning of the link. Living in Australia might be an issue, yes. Hmmm, I've got nothin', sorry. :(
MitchellFarted: I don't see the usual m. in the url, that's why I'm confused. Here's what I see for the first one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00IBUEWIW?pc_redir=1409636237&robot_redir=1
apostrophie: Works for me! Maybe it's a US thing, idk.
MitchellFarted: Maybe Mobile link was a bad way to describe it, but it's certainly extremely different from the usual amazon pages I see. Like unfortamted html or something. http://i.imgur.com/zwG7Op4.png
| 9 | 7.111111 | |
1409916160 | 1409929591 | t3_2fji9j | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU so much.
For the past few days I've been hanging out with this girl, lets call her Alexia. So Alexia and I are getting to the point, and pretty quickly she wants to go for it. I find out mid penetration that she's a virgin. A way too tight virgin. Finding this out, I think "hey, I can't let her down. Need to try to get her to enjoy her first time." alas, no such luck. She leaves after a while because my roommate barged in, both of us unsatisfied. I end up browsing reddit for about an hour before I get up to go piss. I feel something weird in my right testicle, so I feel it. I proceed to pass out, dropping everything (phone, etc) on the ground. I get back up promptly, and continue to the bathroom. I run into someone brushing his teeth and go to the toilet. Cue passing out a second time, very briefly. At this point I decide I need to seek medical attention. An ambulance is called. Only to have them tell me it's a waste of money and I should take a taxi. They bill me almost $200 for that alone. I then end up going to the hospital for an end diagnosis of, essentially, "sleep it off."
Tl;dr had sex, strained my balls, passed out a bit, went to hospital and incurred a bunch of costs for no reason.
OliStabilize: You strained your balls having sex?
Was she swinging on them, or did you try and insert them?
mikerowphallice: You've never had ball pain post coitus? Happens, usually to me only after a bang-o-thon and not after a failed short episode with a virgin.
OliStabilize: Sometimes when they have been swinging a fair bit but not enough to pass out on.
mikerowphallice: definitely not that bad
| 5 | 3 | |
1409921407 | 1409925117 | t3_2fjnvu | t5_2to41 | 53 | ki77erb: TIFU by chromecasting the Fappening leaks on my livingroom TV in front of several family members.
I was trying to pull up some recent vacation photos from a trip my wife and I took. With my Wife, her Aunt and my Mother-in-law in the room, I preceded to open up the Android photo app while I was screen casting. Not even thinking about the fact that I had all the Fappening leaks saved in the root directory of my phone. There for all to see was the lovely JLaw in all her glory....several photos mixed in with my own. I quickly hit the home button and made up a 1/2 true story about how a bunch of naked celebrity photos had been released and they were being posted to Google+ (which I claimed I just opened by mistake). Needless to say, after some nervous laughter, I opened Facebook to show the vacation photos instead. No one has said anything about it since.
RandomG1rl: Hopefully wife looks nothing like JLaw because that could have made things really awkward.
Whitebrickshit: I'd rather have an awkward moment and a wife looking like JLaw
ncorys: TIFU: Getting my wife mad by saying I'd rather have a wife looking like Jlaw on reddit.
SOON
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1409922816 | 1409923505 | t3_2fjpl7 | t5_2to41 | 97 | Don_chingon: TIFU by popping my girlfriend’s mucus plug.
Happened a year and a half ago
I wake up at 5am to get ready for work, and my girl could not sleep well and well you know, she’s awake I am getting ready for work, why not a little sexy time before work. She is 8-1/2 months pregnant and forplay is somewhat of a challenge, its really more ear an neck action. Then we get to it an I have her on her back on the bed as I am standing on the edge of the bed, we finish in about five mins. As I pull away, I see a little yellowish color, thick. I asked what it was because I have never seen it, I asked if it was discharge, she did not know. Its 5:20 by this time an I am fully dressed and about to leave as I see her on her back holding her belly with this face : /, I ask if shes ok, she mentions she maybe having contractions, but for me not to worry an go, and she’ll get ready for work also. I get to work, and get a call from her around 10am that they contractions where getting worse an she was going to the doctor. get a call around 11:30am that her mucus plug was popping an they would go ahead an induce her labor. That evening our baby was born.
TL;DR I had morning sex with my 8-1/2 pregnant girlfriend before work and popped her mucus plug, baby came later that day.
LuckyNumbrXIII: Congratulations!
And hey, that's totally normal, definitely not a fuck up. Baby's good? Healthy?
Way to go to your wife working 8.5 months pregnant. My wife did that too, and I think it helped her a lot.
Don_chingon: Yes!! THANK YOU MUCH, Everything is great, but that afternoon I Felt I was the cause of it all, but in the evening it was forgotten! Until I read about a similar story here in tifu, that reminded me of it, HaHa.
LuckyNumbrXIII: When I was taking birthing classes (those classes where they teach you how to breathe and control contractions) with my wife, the instructor said if you want to induce labor naturally, intercourse is the way to go.
Don_chingon: That morning it did airtight!! LoL
| 5 | 19.4 | |
1409925371 | 1410273900 | t3_2fjt5x | t5_2to41 | 297 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost having sex with my girlfriend at a handicap restroom
It was 2 years ago, I was 16 and very horny. My parents were out at the time, so I called my girlfriend to come over so we could make out and play some video games. She was virgin at the time, she said she was keeping herself and blah blah blah. I respected her choice, but constantly making out, reaching high peaks of arousal and being turned down was frustrating. Though she was keeping herself, we both knew that postponing it was just making us hornier. The time for her to go home came and we decided to go to the bus station. We kept stopping in the way to make out. The bus station is 5 minutes on foot from my house. We took 40 minutes to get there. When we got there, we were still very horny and didn't want to let go of each other. So we had the brilliant idea to make out just a little bit more in the handicap restroom. We entered the male stall, seperate from the other common stalls. After little time kissing hard we started taking our clothes off, wich is the part I regret the most, after all, it was a public toilet. 10 minutes later we heard a knock on the door and a guy asked what were we doing there. I thought "FUCK, that's the security guard", but, in panic, I didn't say nothing. My girlfriend had more balls than me and said "Just a minute, we're coming out". When we ended getting dressed, my girlfriend flushed the toilet, opened the faucet and I tought "WTF is she doing?". When we opened the door, there was this huge security guy asking what we were doing there for all this time. Before I could open my mouth, she angrily said, like it was too obvious "This is my cousin, he is mentally ill, he can't use the restroom by himself." She grabbed my hand and we simply walked away. After 10 or more nervous steps, I noticed the security guard wasn't following us and did not ask anything else. We entered the next bus, just to get out of the danger zone and catch the right bus in the next bus stop. Today is still hard for me to believe that worked.
TL;DR Me and my girlfriend used the handicap restroom to make out, a security guard showed up and she pretended I was mentally ill to get out without any questions.
Tinkle84: Yeah, you like that you fucking retard?
General-ColinBile: Reminds me of 'Joe Dirt'. "I'm your **sister**. I'm your **sister**."
FnURmom: "Ohhhh you're my sister"....
| 4 | 74.25 | |
1409926545 | 1409935739 | t3_2fjuvz | t5_2to41 | 12 | imar0ckstar: TIFU by wearing a sleeveless blouse
Ever wear a sleeveless blouse to work only to realize a few hours later that you forgot to shave under your arms? Yeah…that happened.
redbluehue: Some people like that, though.
imar0ckstar: Not in America...
Blackflag421: It's sort of like not shaving your face (as a dude) before going to work. Some jobs, no one cares. Some jobs it's expected, and some it's mandatory (investor relations for example).
redbluehue: I get that, being presentable and whatever, but it always seemed strange to me that women have to shave their whole bodies to be accepted as "normal and clean" - again, outside of the work environment. My firends act disgusted when they see hair on a woman, yet they look like fucking cavemen in their shorts and sandals.
Blackflag421: Eh, some people are hypocrites. I just wish I could selectively turn off my hair follicles cuz shaving sucks.
| 6 | 2 | |
1409926986 | 1409933466 | t3_2fjvle | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing at my father's death
Dad was some miraculous combination of the best and worst luck bestowed upon a man. The bastard was fucking invincible.
When he was a child, he was run over by a car, giving him a head injury that led to epilepsy through his entire life. Over the decades, he was hit/run over by several more cars.
The kicker came several ago. Because of course life wasn't content to leave it at just cars injuring the poor bastard.
He was taking a shortcut down the train tracks to get to the store. Luck declared this to be a perfect time for him to have a seizure. He ended up laying on his back right between the tracks. The man was 5'11, but hardly 120lbs soaking wet, so he fit like a Tetris block right in place.
And now, a three-car passenger train came. The engineer tried to brake, but couldn't do it in time. The train went clear over him and finally managed to stop once all three cars were past him. Somehow, Dad only had a collapsed lung, broken thumb, and a bunch of scratches on his arms and face. He was released from the hospital on the same day.
Now that we have that out of the way and you're aware that my father was the real-life version of the Road Runner--
Five years ago, I was in my room playing games on the computer. My mother knocked and came in.
>**Mom:** Dad's dead.
>**Me:** *Laughing. Laughing hard.* What ran him over this time?
Well, turns out he *was* dead. After an autopsy, it was revealed that his heart just kicked it during a seizure one day and he died.
I do miss the bastard, but I know he'd be laughing with me at Mom's announcement that he was (somehow) dead.
RIP, you lucky fucker.
http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=85036209
[deleted]: I sort of know the feel. My dad is basically a walking symbol for unfuckingstoppable. He's pretty much both feet in the grave, but he's just the most persistent son of a bitch. He has COPD, Diabetes, Arthiritis in most of his body, I'm sure, and he still smokes like a goddamn chimney and talks trash. They made them tough as nails in '59 (Also when my dad was born)
purckle: Jesus. Dads and cats have one thing in common at least.
This is mine's story of invincibility. He was attaching a sheet of corrugated iron to the roof once. For reference, his house is 2 stories high. The sheet gets hit by a tug of wind. Of course he doesn't have scaffolding, or a safety harness, of any kind. He goes sailing down the side of the building and lands on the fence, on his back.
The neighbour finds him, still bent backwards over the fence, a faint smear of blood down the side of the house. Refused to go to the hospital, limped around with a broken toe and a neck brace for the next week.
He faints whenever he gives blood though...
| 3 | 12 | |
1409928009 | 1409954933 | t3_2fjx7w | t5_2to41 | 8,406 | LeftNut66: TIFU by going on a date with a girl I met on tinder
So I met a girl on tinder and she seemed really nice and pretty, so after a week or so of talking we decided to meet up, before I even met her at the bar I get a text that says you better not be in this for the sex... I didn't even bother answering, I get there and she is 50lbs heavier than in her pictures and later find out they were from 4 years ago... She eventually starts talking about how she isn't happy with her size. I am a bigger guy myself so I told her why don't you do what I do, I go to the gym and diet and I'm down 20lbs so far, she called me an inconsiderate asshole... So then later we started talking about snowboarding and I showed her pictures of my Vermont trip and she saw one of me and my close friend who happens to be a girl, well apparently she didn't like the fact that I had a close platonic friend because all she did was question me about her for an hour, I eventually said I'm sorry I have to go and left her with the bill for my two beers. As I'm on my way home I get a text that said look what you are missing out on, it was a nude picture of herself and two videos of her masturbating and the last text said she would have played with my g spot... It was not a pretty sight and I just blocked her number... So yes that was my crazy date
Edit: Plutonic to Platonic
cincE3030: Today you did not fuck up
koldlol: What ^ he/she said. If you showed up, looked completely different and I found out your pictures are from 4 yrs ago I would have cut it off then and there so props to you for sticking it out for as long as you did.
_My_Angry_Account_: Some of the photos I use are from about 4 years ago. Although I post dates with the pics and look the same as I did when the pics were taken.
nitrofan112: Sure thing Fatty Fatty Boom Ba Latty
Huh, my highest voted comment was a Bloodhound Gang lyric.
chaingripped: I gotta lament, You are not a girl you were an experiement
mr_ewe: Professor? Why?
chaingripped: Cuz your pretty when I'm drunk
Boosted-Vulpine: You're pretty when I'm drunk.
HappyTopHatMan: And I'm pretty fucken drunk.
shitdoubleliftsays: relax I've had a few
Naggins: (It's regrets, not relax)
First and foremost, I'd like to mention, *you*.
nitrofan112: Ragraaatttsss
| 13 | 646.615385 | |
1409929046 | 1409940912 | t3_2fjywi | t5_2to41 | 69 | frankfurtur: TIFU by eating breakfast
Hi reddit, first time poster/ regular lurker on here unlike a lot of the submissions in this sub this acutally happined to me today. So i woke up and felt my somach agrowling. I went to the freezer took out a hotpocket, threw it in, and did my happy dance as the last 10 seconds counted down on the microwave timer(dont judge me). As i took my first and only bite into it everything started to go into slow motion as a stream of hot molten lava cheese from MT. Ham and cheese spewed slowly and dramatically from the middle of the thing right into my left eyeball. You think these things burning your mouth is bad? Try scrubbing crusty cheese out of your eyeball after its been seared. I still havent gotten it all out and i can hardly see out of my eye.
TL/DR; Just tried to have a delicious treat and the hot pocket gods decided to jizz in my eye
Skyline969: I think the biggest question here is... how in the *fuck* were you eating this thing that it could spill out and into your *eye*?
MindBurst: My thoughts exactly. Were you eating it while upside down?
| 3 | 23 | |
1409929409 | 1409977218 | t3_2fjzhm | t5_2to41 | 121 | mart4606: TIFU: A Story of Eating Weird Smelling Chicken with Unexpected Consequences
I like chicken. Few people don't, I suppose, except for those that think it's bland, or vegetarians.
If you like chicken, or any meat, really, and you've cooked it, you'll know if you've been in my spot. It's an important decision: to eat or not to eat.
It all started at a Costco in Mountain View, CA, a month ago. I went shopping for groceries. Strolling aimlessly through the aisles, I found it. Three pounds of chicken thighs with a whole bunch of adjectives that made it more expensive. I immediately saw the value and took it.
Fast forward to that evening. Looking forward to a healthy, delicious dish, I tore open the package and was greeted with an unpleasant surprise. The first thing to strike me was the color: I hadn't noticed it in the store, but the chicken was somewhat yellow. Then I noticed the smell.
The best way to put it is sour, but that doesn't quite cover all of the notes of odor that this chicken had. It was like cheese mixed with ammonia, not strong enough to be overwhelming, but certainly enough to be noticed. After some googling, I decided not to risk it, and threw the chicken out. I opened the next package, and it was the same. The third was too. Nothing expired, not left out in the heat, just yellow and smelly. I tossed all of it and cursed my luck.
I was baffled: I had cooked chicken many times before, and never had this problem, what could possibly have gone wrong? I brushed the whole ordeal off as a fluke and went about my life.
I spent the month eating overpriced ($6.49 a pound!?!) chicken purchased at Trader Joe's, never letting it spend any time in the fridge, just buying it and eating it that day. I never had the same problem again.
Fast forward to yesterday, when I went to a local Safeway in Washington, DC. I discovered that chicken without lots of adjectives is cheaper, so I walked out of the store with four pounds of chicken. I let it spend ONE day in the fridge (what could possibly be the problem with that?) and I opened it FOUR DAYS before its expiration.
Upon opening that package, and giving the chicken a sniff, I met my old enemy once more: the smell was back. It was fainter this time, but undeniably there, and it permeated through the meat evenly. The meat didn't LOOK bad, and if it weren't for the delicate aroma of ammoniacheese, I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong. It would be wasteful to throw out a whole pack of chicken just because it didn't smell *exactly* how I expected it to, wouldn't it? I mean, think of the people that have nothing to eat, what if this chicken is good, and I'm wasting food that...(and so on, and so on, I'm just rationalizing at this point.)
So I ate it.
The chicken was prepared thoroughly, and when I say that, I mean I cooked the ever-loving shit out of that chicken. If any microbes existed in there, I would be sure to destroy them. Once united with a gloopy Campbell's Marsala Skillet Sauce (I really don't recommend it, it's basically corn starch, salt, and water), I was ready to eat.
I gingerly took my first bite of my meal, and nothing seemed wrong. Nothing but the ghost of the aroma of ammoniacheese on my palate.
Now you, dear reader, may expect me to say "I spent the night curled over a toilet, retching my guts out, and that's why TIFU."
You would be wrong.
I woke up early the next morning to go to the gym, pleasantly surprised that my GI system was still intact. Nothing seemed off.
I returned home after the gym, took a shower, went to get dressed, bent down to pick something up, and then it hit me.
I stuck my nose into my arm, inhaling deeply. It couldn't be possible, could it?
I smelled like ammoniacheese chicken.
I was shocked. I took another whiff, and it was faint, but undeniably there. Some goddamned odor molecule must have made its way from my stomach to my blood to my sweat glands, where it was now haunting me once more. My hands, my arms, they all smelled LIKE BAD CHICKEN.
So here I am, right now, a double-dose of deodorant later and crippled by insecurity over my condition. Another batch of chicken must go to waste. How long this will last, I have no idea, but take it from me, if you EVER encounter ammoniacheese chicken, don't eat it.
Exercise your power as citizens of a wealthy world and THROW STUFF AWAY, and then let the guilt consume you. It is a fate far more kind than smelling like chicken. Don't eat it.
Just don't.
^^^my ^^^first ^^^post ^^^please ^^^don't ^^^be ^^^mean
tn_notahick: I'm curious, what adjectives make chicken more expensive?
Superduper-awesome-tasty-delicious chicken is more expensive than "chicken"?
octobereighth: Free-range, antibiotic-free, organic, to name a few.
I had no idea there was such a thing as organic chicken. But there is.
Edgelord: What does that even mean?
drummel1: No antibiotics mostly
Edgelord: Then what's the difference between antibiotic-free and organic?
ihavechickens: Organic chicken is fed an organic diet. Also no antibiotics or hormones.
Edgelord: I see. Thank you.
| 8 | 15.125 | |
1409932439 | 1410012416 | t3_2fk4nb | t5_2to41 | 440 | JoeLatics: TIFU by locking myself out... (Advised to repost from r/facepalm)
About a month ago I'd just moved in to my new flat and was sat in my room when my girlfriend buzzed to be let in. I went out to the hall to let her in without realising that my room had one of those self locking Yale locks on the door! So obviously it swings shut and I'm locked out because my keys were on the desk inside the room!
We spent 5 minutes trying to pick the lock (without a clue what we're doing and not so much as Google to help us as I've not set up the Wi-Fi yet) before giving in and calling my landlord figuring their office is only 20 minutes away, and we could easily walk down to pick up the spare keys. Amazingly they inform me that they don't have spare bedroom keys?! The woman on the phone gets in a bit of a panic and says says she'll try to figure out what to do and call me back.
Various cricket bat/roundhouse kick attempts at busting the lock failed. Sat there in desperation staring out of the living room window, I remember that my bedroom window had actually been left open. I briefly considered trying to jump round from the adjacent living room window but the 25ft drop rather scared me off the idea!
The woman at the landlord's calls me back and says it'll cost me £50 as they'll have to send round a locksmith! Just as I'm on the phone, my girlfriend notices a van with a ladder pull up outside - we went out to try to find the owner, but of course he'd disappeared by the time we got down.
So we go outside, phone the number on the van and explain the situation to a fella who clearly found it all hilarious but agreed to let me use the ladder! I shinned up it, and heroically rolled in through the window to my room and rescued my keys!!
My girlfriend is still locked outside of course so I go back out of my room to the hall to let her in - realising a nanosecond too late that my keys are STILL in my bedroom as the door slammed behind me... I don't think I've ever facepalmed so hard in my life!
TL;DR: Locked myself out, heroically got back in with assistance from a stranger with a ladder - rinse and repeat...
Noupoi: Damned [doorway effect](http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-walking-through-doorway-makes-you-forget/). Happens to me way too often.
swimtothemoon1: That was a very interesting read.
| 3 | 146.666667 | |
1409931837 | 1409948425 | t3_2fk3m2 | t5_2to41 | 184 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving the house when my Mom told me she had given up on life PART 2 - The Funeral
Here is a link to the first part if anybody hasn't read it and wants to after reading this. http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fgyic/tifu_by_leaving_the_house_when_my_mom_told_me_she/
So a bunch of people have asked me about what happened at the funeral (trust me I fucked up there too) and about what my relationship with my dad is like since her death and today. So here goes:
--------------
We're a middle eastern family. I was the first person in the my family who was born in the US actually, which is weird if you knew us. We aren't religious at all. We have no middle eastern tendencies other than we like some of the food. We are about as whitewashed as you can be, for lack of a better term. My mom had 11 brothers and sisters. 6 of them were half brothers/sisters. This is another long and convoluted story of my Grandfather having 2 families, who didn't know about each other until his death. It's longer than all the stories combined so I'm not going to get very into it right now.
My eldest uncle, in times of great turmoil, all of a sudden becomes very muslim. He lives in London, but when he arrives in the states, it becomes all about him and what he wants/likes. My mom passed away at 1:30 am, around that time. By the next evening most of my family from across the country and the world (most of which I have never met or even heard of at this point) are flying in from all over the place. I spend the entire next day as a taxi service to and from the airport. I was numb, tired, and not very friendly, as you could imagine.
It kind of bugged me. All these people, who I'd never met, who I'd never heard of, telling me how much they wish they could have done something to help, how they wish they could have seen her one last time, etc. By the 4th time I heard this story I just snapped and said something along the lines of "well airplanes weren't just invented today, you could have come to visit any time in the last few years, but you're lazy and chose not to". I said this to my second cousin, whom I had never met or heard of. She was shocked, and her husband was even more shocked. We sat in silence the rest of the car ride. After I dropped them off at their hotel, she turned to me and apologized for making me upset. I said nothing.
The following day was the funeral. My asshole Uncle had decided we were going to have a muslim ceremony for her. I argued with him that she wasn't muslim, and that none of us are. For fucks sake, my mom went to Roman Catholic boarding school in Iran as a child. We celebrate Christmas. We literally have no affiliation with anything muslim other than the country where are family comes from. He dismissed me and it was going to be as muslim as it could get.
-----------------
I was told to dress up and arrive at the Mosque at 9am. I had no idea why I was going their but I did. I arrive to see 3 or 4 of my cousins and 4 of my aunts and uncles all waiting for me. They told me to come with them inside, and this lead to truly the most fucked up, terrible and nightmarish situation I have ever been in. I have relived this exact series of events so many times that I have become numb to it, but as I write it, i'm 100% sure I'll stare at the words in bewilderment all these years later.
So there is this wooden box/coffin. They have my mom on the ground, mummified, wrapped up in cloth. We're all dressed up in our black suits and all the things you'd typically associate with funerals. I am standing there and everybody is staring at me like they're waiting for me to do something. I still stand there, staring at the mummy on the floor that was my mother. The Imam motions for me to walk over to the casket/my mom, so I do. He then does the thing where you sorta kinda points at the casket as if he wants me to do something with it. I have no idea what he is doing. I stare at him blankly.
He then asks me if I know why I am in there, and why they were all in there. I shake my head. He then explains that it's muslim tradition for the children of the deceased to be the ones to place the corpse in the casket and to help seal the top. I honestly started to laugh. Is this guy serious? He wanted me to pick up my dead mom and put her in a casket? WHAT THE FUCK?!
After I realized he was serious, I said "Go fuck yourself" and walked out. I heard a couple of my cousins laugh, but they followed me outside. I started smoking a Newport as aggressively as anybody has ever smoked a cigarette every before. I literally smoked the entire thing in 2 drags. My cousins tried to calm me down as I was really livid at this point. I was screaming and ranting outside of a holy place, which obviously was not cool of me to do. They told me it would take only a minute to do this, that I had to do it, and to just calm down and walk back in and be an adult. After about 7 or 8 minutes of this, I realized that there was no way out of this, and I had no choice but to go in and do what that maniac asked me to do.
So, I walk in, I assume a deadlift position and attempt lift her up. Keep in mind, we're in a cold room, the floor is all tile, and it is very slippery from people tracking in water from the previous nights rain. I pick her up, and as I go to shift my wait and turn to put her in the casket, my feet slip out from under me and I fall, with my mother falling on top of me and then rolling off of me. I was mortified. I fucked up. Why did that just happen?
Everybody just looked at me, jaw dropped, in complete amazement. I started screaming about how I told them this was a bad fucking idea, and that it's ridiculous that I am the only person doing this, blah blah blah. I was acting out.
I get up, pick her up again, somehow get her in the box, and throw my hands up and walk outside. My cousins are following me out but I don't give a shit. I hear them talking, but none of it registers. I get in my car and drive the cemetery as fast I possibly could.
-------------
When I arrive, I'll never forget the scene. A bunch of my friends were there, a lot of her coworkers, extended family, etc. My Dad had sent his younger brother, my uncle, as his representative also. Most of the people didn't know me, had never seen me, nor did they say anything to me. At the time it was fine by me, in retrospect I find it was really rude of them to not at least acknowledge me. I stood towards the back as people started to show up. It was surreal. I hadn't told very many of my friends, maybe 10 people, and to be honest, I was genuinely hurt. Some of the people I had told, who I considered my very best friends, didn't show up. A bunch of people who I didn't know very well, didn't consider very close friends, wouldn't have expected them to show up, did. That day altered the entire shape of my friendship circle. All the people who did show up instantly became very close friends of mine. I couldn't thank them enough for showing up and being there for me.
The casket arrives, they start the ceremony and I just start wandering around towards the back of the whole deal. I again start chain smoking cigarettes. I lean on my car about 300 or so yards away from everyone and just watch it from a distance. It was honestly like watching a movie. One of my friends noticed me standing by myself so far away and came over put his arm on my shoulder and brought me back over to the crowd. At the end of the ceremony, I guess it's a custom that each person walk over to the ground where the body was put it and take a handful of dirt and put in on the box as a final goodbye.
Nobody wanted to do it though. I just stood there and watched as everybody went up, said a few words and walked away. The Imam was trying to get them to use the shovel or use their hands to put dirt on her, but they all refused. I got extremely frustrated and just ran up in front of the entire line, grabbed the shovel and started shoveling dirt on her. I did it as fast as I could. I must have put 20 shovels full of dirt on her, and probably would have completely filled the hole back up if my aunt hadn't come over and stopped me. She realized what I was doing and told me I did enough and to walk away. So I did.
After everybody had their turn it was time to go to this restaurant that we had rented out for everybody to eat and say a few words. As I was getting in my car, my oldest cousin told me that he was going to ride with me but we had to make a stop first, I said fine.
-------------------
He tells me to take him to his house for a minute, which was not far from the restaurant. We get there, go inside, and he has one of the biggest joints I have ever seen rolled and waiting for me. He lights it, and we sit in silence smoking. This is probably one of the 3 or 4 most high experiences of my life. To be honest, it was the best decision of my day. I finally wasn't tense, and I could look at what was going on objectively. I started to laugh and he started to laugh and I'll never forget what he said "Well, the hard parts over, you'll never have to do that again". I nodded and said "It couldn't have been much worse, so I guess that fine". We finished our joint, got back in the car and go to the restaurant.
Everybody was inside seated at their tables. There were about 100 people there. The only people who weren't seated were all my friends. They were all outside, standing there, waiting for me to show up. I love them for having that level of respect for me. They didn't even want to walk inside until I got there. As soon as I saw them, they knew I was high, and we all got a good laugh out of it. We sat down and I'm full of smiles. Given they were the 'nervous, high as fuck, this can't be my life' giggles, but they were giggles none the less.
They asked me how I was doing, and I just sorta shrugged. I stank of weed, but I didn't care, nor did anybody in my family. Another one of my cousins, who was very close to my mom, and his dad ,which is my uncle from London, got up to say some words. My Uncle started talking about her life, and how she had given everything to me, and that I was the most important thing in her life, etc. He then pointed at me, everybody snapped their heads around and looked directly at me. I couldn't handle it. I put my head down and start sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't even look at anybody to even accept their acknowledgment. It sucked.
My cousin then gave the funniest speech I have ever heard anybody give, in context of course. His first line was "I'd like to thank the great folks at Pfizer for providing me with Xanax on this day." It went on with a similar tone. He hit some key points, that my uncle missed. I'm glad he was there to clean up the mess.
As people started leaving, everybody now knew my face and who I was. They all came over and wished me well, said some nice words, and left. When it was all over, it was just my family and my friends still there. I asked them all to leave, because they had done enough. They all left, but one of my best friends, who is this girl who was really close with my mom. She was still in shock. She asked me to give her a ride home so I did. On the way all she did was ask me how I felt, and what it was like. I tried my best to explain and then she said "You're gonna be fine in the end. You're the strongest person any of us know. That's what we were talking about before you got there. We couldn't believe how you've done all this in your life already". I didn't know what to say. I started to cry. We got to her house, she got out, and I went home. I slept for about 15 hours.
That is the story of my Mom's funeral.
-----------------------
For the people curious about my dad. At some point as my Mom had gotten more and more sick they had a face to face conversation. I didn't know this until much later after the fact. She basically told him that she was on her way out, and that he needed to step up and be a part of my life. He said he didn't know what she expected him to do, blah blah blah. She also told me, at some point that she expects me to take care of him and build a relationship with him, and made me promise. I keep my promises. So I did.
As it stands now, we have more of a 'bro' relationship than anything else. After my mom died, he was a little more present, we'd go out to eat once ever 2 or 3 weeks, but that was bout it. In my entire life, after the age of 6, I haven't spent more than 45 minutes with my dad at any given point. In my entire life he has told me he loved me 2 times. When we see each other he doesn't even give me a hug, he shakes my hand. I'm ok with it now though. I resented him for a long time, but I get it. He was a very bad alcoholic, he had/has a lot of emotional pain from his childhood, and he doesn't know how to show emotion properly. I understand it now, but the damage between us has been done and is too deep to ever be what I would consider a healthy father-son relationship.
I bought him a small house to live in after his liver failed and he couldn't work anymore. He still lives there today. I enjoy that he is in my life, even though it's more as a friend.
This anecdote should put into perspective what our relationship is. About 10 months ago I moved to Texas. I drove my car here with all my shit to start my new life with my girlfriend (now ex) and my new career. I told him we should go out to get lunch before I left so we met up at his favorite place, TGI Fridays (smh, he's weird), and we ate. He berated me about my life choices for 40 minutes, as he always does when we eat, and then it was time to go. As we walked to our cars he asked me when I was leaving to drive to Texas, and I said, right now. He looked puzzled and then looked at my car and saw that it was packed with my entire life in it. He asked me when I'd be back home, I said I had no idea, probably not for at least a year. He said ok, I guess I'll see you in a year then and turned around and walked to his car, then left.
Normally I would be hurt, but I know he was sad I was leaving. He didn't now how to cope with the emotion of the situation. Instead of giving me a hug, or telling me he'd miss me, he had to just disconnect and not feel. I don't respect the way he is, but I understand it. He's an old school middle eastern guy, who made his way to this country with nothing, got an education, and built a life for himself. If not for being a severe alcoholic for 30 years, things would have been very different for him. But, things happen the way the happen, and it is what it is.
__Viper__: Just out of curiosity, what part of the MEA are you guys from?
dmt13: what's MEA? middle east? Iran, if that is what you're asking.
BestIsMatty: MEA is "Middle East and Africa" most people use MENA
dmt13: Ah ok.
| 5 | 36.8 | |
1409929928 | 1409950594 | t3_2fk0dj | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: Tifu by not reading the street signs, getting my car towed, and getting kicked out of my house.
So last night I went to a show to see a guy I was really digging. We get there and everything's great. He's standing super close, laughing at all of my jokes, and introducing me to everyone. I think things are going very well. Wrong.
Right before his set I notice a girl standing behind me. His girlfriend. I'm instantly crushed and decide to just leave.
I walk outside and go into instant panic mode. Where the fuck is my car. I'm crying at this point, calling the cops. Which looks super awesome as I'm outside of a venue. The cops get there and they figure out it was just towed. So now I have to find a taxi while my phone is dying on 10%.
I recently moved back in with my mom because my bf broke up with me. She's telling me I need to get home in 30 minutes or I'm out. Did I mention in 21?
So the taxi gets there and the guys super nice. We get to the tow place and it's gonna be 220 to get it out. I panic because I know I don't have that. We go to the atm to withdraw some money. I have barely enough to cover the taxi.
The cabbie drives me home and starts schooling me on some words of wisdom. He's saying I'm a very beautiful girl and that everything will be okay. That we all fuck up sometimes and to not worry. We finally get to my house and I am 15 bone short on the taxi fee. He tells me if he didn't have to drive 30 minutes away, he wouldn't even make me pay. He takes what I have and tells me to cheer up. He even waited for me to get in my house.
I get inside and my mom's screaming at me in for the of my entire family. I'm mortified. She tells me she's done with my shit and to get out. I slept on the floor that night.
So here I am trying to find someone to pick me up to get my car so I don't miss work.
tl;dr tifu by not knowing how to read, losing my baby, and having the devil for a mother.
veganmeatpole: Your mom sounds like an asshole, reminds me a lot of my mom actually. Get out, as soon as humanly possibly.
lochnessjess: Oh trust me I am. My bf and I are getting a place. I can't take her shit anymore. It's poisonous
bedroom_strobes: That probably isn't a good idea, considering you said earlier you two broke up. Maybe stay with a friend?
lochnessjess: We broke up on good terms and stayed friends. I see him almost everyday. It won't be longterm either. I'm moving downtown in February m
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1409934871 | 1410059447 | t3_2fk8sp | t5_2to41 | 309 | [deleted]: TIFU by signing into Gmail at work...
So today, Friday, I came into work to prepare for my Friday workload, happy as hell that it was the end of the week. I'm the IT guy, so life is pretty peachy, because my Boss is pretty computer illiterate, which allows me to essentially dictate my job.
My boss pulls me into his office, telling me he needs to speak with me.
**Boss:** "So, when you got hired a few months back, do you remember when I told you we'd do random computer audits, just to ensure that you were doing your job accordingly?"
**Me:** "Yep."
**Boss:** "Well, I noticed you were visiting some non-work related sites and some other inappropriate activity."
**Me (mentally):** "Fuck, he's talking about reddit..."
**Me (aloud):** "Yes, I think I know what you're talking about."
**Boss:** "Nobody else knows about this. I'm trying my best to work with you because I value you as an employee. Clean up your computer and stay on task. Delete Chrome, we use Firefox here."
Mind you, I know for a fact my Boss doesn't know how to do anything besides check web history, so I ensure that whenever I am on reddit, I'm using the private browser under Firefox, so when he mentioned Chrome I was like "dafuq?"
So I head back into my office, fire up Chrome. (I hadn't used it for weeks, I only downloaded it because I believe I was doing something with gmail, but I logged into my personal gmail account when I did it because most of our work calendars, docs, etc are linked to our personal e-mails. This is an office-wide thing.)
I fire up Chrome before I go to uninstall it, just to see if I can figure out why he singled out Chrome. I open up the history.
XVideos.
Weed.
4Chan.
Torrentz.
I literally shit myself. Google Chrome, because I had logged in using my personal e-mail, had synced the history from my iPhone Chrome browser as well as my MacBook Chrome browser, making it look like I was being a complete degenerate at work.
**tl;dr** If you use Chrome and you choose to sign in, don't ever sign in to Chrome at work using your personal e-mail as it will sync your history across all devices.
**EDIT:** Seriously guys. It's 2014. Are we still bashing Macs? Sidebar: Rule #4.
BlackForestMountain: Wait...you literally shit yourself?
Dristone: He used it correctly. They've updated the definition to also mean "not literally"
http://i.word.com/idictionary/literally
Sad, but true.
QuackWhatsup: You can't use a word to mean the opposite of that word, that's some circular shit.
Dristone: I agree completely, but apparently that is no longer the case since it is so widely misused that it is now acceptable.
GuardstheGrey: I call out people all the time for saying 'literally' when they mean 'figuratively'. Fuck those people.
skookybird: Oh, then you’re wrong twice. 1) There’s nothing wrong with using it in a figurative context, 2) Using it in a figurative context does not mean it means *figuratively*.
>I literally shit myself.
In this sentence, *literally* means *figuratively* as much as *I*, *shit*, and *myself* do. Not at all.
GuardstheGrey: That seems counter intuitive and totally opposed to the actual definitions.
skookybird: Once again, it is not taking on the opposite meaning *figuratively*. The original sense emphasizes the sentence by stressing that the event really happened. The “new” sense has the same function, emphasizing the sentence, minus the bit about saying that the event really happened. What’s counterintuitive about it?
GuardstheGrey: You are saying literally which means, "taking words in their usual or most basic sense without metaphor or allegory." So you are saying it actually happened. Figuratively basically means, "not literally." To use 'literally' in a figurative sense makes zero sense because you should then use 'figuratively' or the original phrase without 'literally.' Now I know there is an informal definition saying literally can be used in a figurative sense... but I think that is ridiculous and only agree with the formal definition.
Edit: Anyway this has gone on too long haha. I respect your opinion and can even admit it is not wrong, however, I don't agree with it. I am waving my figurative white flag. If you respond I will read it but not reply. Take care.
skookybird: >you should then use 'figuratively'
For the third time now, the “new” sense of *literally* does not mean and is not synonymous with and cannot be replaced by *figuratively* unless you’re doing that thing they do on *Archer*, but that’s just only a joke about the whinging surrounding *literally*.
ThoracicPork: Three wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do.
skookybird: Oh. You’ve convinced me. Yep, *literally* now means *figuratively*, as do all words ever used in a figurative context, which is like most of them. Oh no, our language has become entirely figurative.
ThoracicPork: Well you believe the bullshit about the "'new' sense of literally", so why not?
skookybird: What does it matter what I believe or not? It’s still going to be true either way.
ThoracicPork: [relevant](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cs4Gj7JsET4)
skookybird: From the guy whose comments are basically “lol u r wrong”.
ThoracicPork: As if yours are any different? Look, you're not going to convince me with your arguments, and vice versa, so...moving on.
skookybird: Well, yes, they are. I actually said things about the topic instead of just (snarkily) saying that what someone else said about the topic is wrong with no further explanation! Putting aside our opinions on the issue, you really can’t see that difference in our comments? Anyway, I’m not trying to convince you. I’m just replying because you’re replying and I’m bored.
| 19 | 16.263158 | |
1409933697 | 1409941694 | t3_2fk6sm | t5_2to41 | 9 | elkarcher87: TIFU by bringing brats to a camping trip
This happened a few weeks ago so fuck you.
I was camping for work and we were in charge of our own meals. Being the meal loving American that I am, decided to bring some Johnsonville brats. I put them on the grate above the fire and cook them perfectly. The skin was crunchy and just perfect. I let them cool for a good five minutes before I take my first bite.
I put one on a bun and take a bite, but the juice from inside the shell squirted straight up my nose all over my upper lip. I had a massive blister from my upper lip into my nose for two days before it pooped.
creat2: based on the title, I thought this was going to be a story about bringing some little kids (that were total shitheads/brats) on a camping trip.
this was a story about bratwurst sausages instead. I'm disappointed. so fuck you.
PM_ME_YOUR_PRETZELS: First I though that, then I thought he meant those little doll things. I still thought that when he said "Skin was crunchy", then he said he took a bite and I was like "Woah" so I searched for these brats.
| 3 | 3 | |
1409935964 | 1409946129 | t3_2fkam6 | t5_2to41 | 15 | heyheyhey007: TIFU by getting caught in a public washroom with my GF
This happened about a year ago, but the shame still remains.
Me and my gf were in need of some sexy times, but both our parents were home. That's when she thought, "oh why not use the public washroom? It's mostly unused anyway."
There's a public park nearby and we sneak into the women's washroom at the middle of day, go inside a stall and proceed to make out. Fifteen minutes later a woman comes inside the washroom and sits on the stall next to us. We try to quiet down and not move but she somehow figures out there's two people in the next stall, she goes outside, calls security, and stands on the toilet and looks over to tell us to get out.
The security was just a few young university students volunteering, they just give us a warning and let us leave. Regardless, must have been the most shameful experience for both of us, we never spoke of the incident again.
Tl;dr made out in a public washroom, got caught by security, didn't get to have sex either
n0_fat_ch1x: That lady is a jerk for calling security!
heyheyhey007: She even came back, stood on the toilet next to our stall and told us to get out. She was a jerk.
SpeedOften: She was jealous.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1409933786 | 1409941993 | t3_2fk6xr | t5_2to41 | 15 | Sendu: TIFU by remembering a quote from South Park
First of all, sry for my english. I'm someone who lives in Germany.
Like the most of the posts here, this didnt happen today, the fuck up took place three weeks ago.
So we have vacation in Germany and me and my family + one cousin, went this time to Canada, Ontario. The first week we stayed in a relatives house, more like two houses, which were kinda together. The problem is that the both families where we stayed (Uncles) have together 5 children, one is 12 and the others 5 year-old. In the morning i was with my cousin in the living room and took care of them, one of them ate a croissant with Nutella. His bro, the 12 year old boy also had a croissant in his hand and went to his little guy and diped his croissant in the Nutella. The litte one starts complaining about that and screams "HE TOOK MY NUTELLA", immediatly my first though was the quote from South Park "THEY TOOK MY JOB". So the have this SmartTV from Samsung in their living room and i go to youtube and search for this, im like all hyped, wanting to show it my cousin. So i find [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZBYLIUqmIs).
The first fuck-up was at 0:40 where u see a bunch of naked guys saying "They took our job". I totally forgot about this scene, even tho im a huge SP fan. Lucky the kids ignored this, until the scene from 0:51... where these bunch of naked men have an orgy, moaning the quote...to this scence made the children going "EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW". Never though they would rly see what they saw...buttnaked men, having an orgy.
I shut off the video after that and just needed to laugh my ass off with my cousin. I'm a huge lucker that they forgot about all this and didnt told they parent what their innocent eyes saw. All 5 of them..
**TL;DR** Showed my five little cousins in Canada an orgy scene from South Park, because Nutella tastes too fuuuu*cking awesome
[deleted]: "We're goin' back in the pile!"
charltonhestonspenis: "Back to the pile guys!"
| 3 | 5 | |
1409937967 | 1410031344 | t3_2fke6z | t5_2to41 | 106 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating two Fiber One bars in a single day.
Every morning along with the rest of my breakfast I eat a Fiber One bar, for the health reasons, but also because they taste so dang good. Because they taste so dang good, I thought that eating two this morning would be a fabulous idea.
Right now I'm currently at school, and I've had to hold in the most turbulent, bone shattering flatulence of my entire life. It's a battle, and my stomach is the war zone. Every ten minutes or so I need to excuse myself to the restroom and release a gigantic fart that has slowly been building in magnitude like Godzilla rising from the depths of the ocean.
^Why ^oh ^why ^do ^bathrooms ^have ^to ^echo ^so ^loudly?
ThrowThisAway10101: I once ate an entire box of them. Never again.
dub_side: Are you the guy who wrote about it on reddit a minute ago?
ThrowThisAway10101: Me? No. The entire-box-of-bars was around a year or two ago and I'm a girl.
dub_side: There was an epic story with wonderful descriptions of the experience
ThrowThisAway10101: I'll check it out, then :p
dub_side: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1an9bh/tifu_by_eating_3_boxes_of_fiber_one_bars/
| 7 | 15.142857 | |
1409939521 | 1410002105 | t3_2fkgzt | t5_2to41 | 24 | rager32: TIFU by minding my own business
I was happily minding my own business in a back seat of a bus, until a rather obese man gets in a bus. I've made a chronological list of events that happened shortly after:
Holds a taco in his hand.
Gets in a bus.
Bus starts moving suddenly.
Smashes taco in woman's head.
Taco shrapnel everywhere.
Pickle on my shorts.
Cheese/meat in her hair.
Woman is cute ~20 y/o Asian.
Woman starts crying.
Dude sits down behind her.
Doesn't say a word.
Eats what's left of taco shell.
Now this is clearly not my everyday situation, so I just did not interfere (or knew how to anyway). I come back home, tell this story to my girlfriend and of all things to say she gives me shit for not standing up for taco victim, which ultimately makes me feel bad about myself.
What was I supposed to do?
rollmop1: nacho problem
masonsdad1288: Wait a minute lets taco bout this...
rollmop1: too enchilada back
| 4 | 6 | |
1409939468 | 1409943686 | t3_2fkgw0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Love_and_Beer: TIFU by fingering my date with Jalapeño fingers.
It started off innocent enough. I really liked this girl and wanted to do something I never tried before and decided to make fish tacos. So through a quick google search I found a recipe for a batch I can cook up in about 35 minutes. Part of the ingredients was mixing it with jalapeños and me being a guy who loves spicy food, decided to go bold with 3 peppers. The finished product turned out delicious but between the numerous wine and beer I had gulped down, I forgot to wash my hands. Sexy times inevitably commences. I decide to go full fingers deep inside her. REALLY going at all. And from her reaction, I thought I was hitting the spot. Turns out, it was just her vagina being put on fire.
She yells out "oh my god, you didn't wash your hands!"
"Uh...No. No. Looks like I didn't...."
She LEAPS off her air mattress and sexy times effectively halts. I couldn't help but laugh and she started to bust out in laughter.
So in conclusion, fish tacos are delicious and don't forget to wash your hands.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: >She LEAPS off her air mattress
Air mattress? Were you camping?
Love_and_Beer: No, she just didn't have a regular bed. Air mattress was still a pretty good size.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Rough life. 1/3 of your life is spent sleeping. I'd make an investment.
Love_and_Beer: Not my bed, this was at her place.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1409936845 | 1409943699 | t3_2fkc5m | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by googling bed bug bites while I was eating.
I've been noticing red spots on my legs the last couple days and I was concerned about bed bugs because my boyfriend had bed bugs last year, so I'm still a little paranoid. I looked up pictures on my lunch break so I could see if they looked anywhere near the same, and was bombarded by the most disgusting cases imaginable, including many that were of people with bugs crawling on them. Needless to say, that somewhat ruined my appetite. But on the plus side, I'm thinking they might not be bed bugs. Still checking my bed as soon as I get home though!
Voyager5555: If you have them you'll know, the most telling mark is a row of bites.
[deleted]: Yeah, I have several that are somewhat grouped, but when my boyfriend had them, his were clustered closer together. They don't itch, but then again, some people don't show marks even if they have bed bugs. My boyfriend's brother was living with him when they discovered the infestation and his bed had bed bugs too, but he never had bite marks.
Voyager5555: Uggg, I only wish I couldn't say it from personal experience... It's generally because they're (shudders) eating their way up your body, but have also had the isolated ones. Hope you don't have them!!!
[deleted]: Thanks! Me too! My bf had them plus my old job had them in the office. So I'm paranoid anyway .
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1409939784 | 1409941867 | t3_2fkhhf | t5_2to41 | 10 | NeverForgetrne: TIFU by stealing a fry.
My friends all went to dairy queen. I went to subway and was gonna meet up with them when they got back to the high school. Two girls I know notice me sitting by myself, and come over to talk to me. I talk to them, and leave once my friends get back. I immediately steal a fry from my friend's box of fries, and eat it. All of a sudden my friend chokes on his drink and starts dying laughing. I notice that everyone else is looking at me with expressions of horror... The fry I ate was already on the table when they had sat down. One part of it was in some water that had collected in the middle of the table. There had been dirt all over one end of the fry. Now this is inside me.
tl;dr: I stole my friends food and I now probably have aids.
ThoracicPork: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
NeverForgetrne: If I don't die of some exotic disease I will thank them.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409941381 | 1410279559 | t3_2fkkcv | t5_2to41 | 122 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with a Rotisserie Chicken.
My girlfriend left out of town for a week and by the fourth day she was gone, I was sick and tired of the handfap. So I stood there in silence and thought to myself... "There has got to be something around the house I could fuck." The search was on. After about 10 minutes of walking around, I noticed bagels on top of the fridge. I tried measuring the radius of the hole and comparing it to the radius of my Meat Popsicle and surprisingly the bagel was too small. Here I am standing in the Kitchen thinking what is something else I could use? I remembered that I had a Rotisserie Chicken in the fridge.
Me and this Rotisserie chicken start getting dirty. When all the sudden I hear the door of the house open. I literally lay there in shock thinking who the fuck is in my house. I hear fast footsteps I am running all around trying to put shorts on and I throw the rotisserie chicken on the side of my bed. Turns out my friend forgot his fucking phone charger. So he goes to the side of my bed to see a rotisserie chicken with a condom wrapper and astroglide lubrication oil next to it.
My friend looked at me like he just seen a ghost and runs out. I haven't talked to him since. Will update when I do.
[deleted]: Chicken fucker!
xShad0x: http://i.imgur.com/1a5rd3y.png
Sciencedragon: Risky click of the week!
[deleted]: No shit. I'm at work and was honestly scared. Clicked it anyways. Balls out bitches!
| 5 | 24.4 | |
1409938998 | 1409954921 | t3_2fkg1p | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking to long in the bathroom
Well I was in the bathroom for at least an hour taking a shit. So now my mom thinks I masturbate. Which is true. But I know she thinks I was in there spanking my meat stick. So now It's really awkward for the rest of the day.
therealteej: Tomorrow, keep your bathroom time down to 59 minutes. You'll throw her off and she won't suspect you masturbate anymore.
TheCamelKing: Fool proof
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409942227 | 1409947950 | t3_2fklup | t5_2to41 | 22 | bucksman2415: TIFU by breaking my girlfriend's nose
This one actually happened this morning... I'm in college, so I decided to sleep over at my girlfriend's house last night after we got done doing some homework. After doing our work I set my alarm for 8 am, put it on the charger, which is behind the bed, and went to sleep... no big deal. I woke up to that 8 am alarm and then fell back asleep for somewhere between 10 seconds and 5 minutes. I woke up again to my alarm still blaring. Like every other morning I went to turn my body to grab my phone and turn it off. Well, at the same time my girlfriend decided to do me a favor by turning it off for me (without saying anything). Her rising head connected with my swinging elbow, and what resulted sounded like a baseball bat being broken. Cue a crying girlfriend, a frantic boyfriend, and a wonderful way to start to the day.
Edit- Told my brother about it... he laughed then proceeded to group text our fantasy football league. Just received news from my commissioner that they will be voting on my punishment Monday. This may be the worst part of the fuck up.
TL;DR Woke up and elbowed my girlfriend in the face. Punishment for domestic violence from my fantasy football league TBD
OctoberRust13: you spelled "because she talked back" wrong. really wrong.
constantly_never: Yeah! That bitch will be grabbing your phone for you now, wont she! Fuck yeah
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1409942460 | 1412385486 | t3_2fkm9k | t5_2to41 | 111 | FuckHerRiteInDaPussy: TIFU by killing my neighbor's cat to have sex
So last night I got a text from this girl inviting me to go bar hopping with her friends. We met a couple weeks ago at a club and she had been sending me horny drunk texts every weekend so I figured I'd get my ass over there and see if I could get laid. It was her last night in town and I had already bailed on her twice so this was my last chance to see her before she left for college.
It was already getting late around 11:30 so I manscaped, showered, and got my clothes on as fast as I could. After pulling out of my driveway I floored it and made a turn onto the next street. Then out of nowhere an orange cat bolted right into my path. I swerved but the cat kept running and I heard a gut wrenching thump. This was my first time hitting an animal so I started to panic and drove around the block to go back and see if it was still alive. When I came back there were already two cats sitting next to their fallen brother. He was a goner... Tire went right over his head and popped his eye out like some cartoon. I wasn't sure which neighbor the cat belonged to since it didn't have a collar so I dragged it to the curb and took off.
I was kinda bummed out for the cat but nevertheless I headed out to bar and finally met up with the girl. It was already past midnight when I got there so I had a beer and danced with her before the bar closed. After that we went with her friends to get pizza and I offered her a ride home so I could finally seal the deal before she leaves. This leads to the best 5 minutes of reverse-cowgirl I've ever had in the backseat of my kitty-slaying vehicle.
TLDR: Accidentally ran over pussy to get pussy
Landredr: Great way to prevent your cat not getting run over or eaten by predators late at night is not let your cats roam the neighborhood. They're indoor pets.
bloodkid187: My cat roams the neighborhood, I think he has a second home because he will disappear for 2 days and return squeaky clean...
Landredr: Maybe. Cats are also incredible neat freaks when it comes to cleaning. I'd keep him indoors. He may not like it but it's for his own good. My best friend used to let his cats roam and his neighbor decided to kill it because they could get away with it.
Sivalion: Thats got nothing to do with cats being indoor pets and everything to do with having a psycopathic neighbour.
I've had a lot of cats growing up and everyone of em ran outside during the night and slept inside during the day, we had a cat door so they could get in/out whenever they wanted. never had a problem.
yes, accidents happen.. but cats should have the option to roam free outside.
Lehk: indoor cats live 12-20 years outdoor cats live 1-5 years.
Imthedaddy11: i have had 4 outdoor cats in my lifetime, one died because he got hit by a car when he was three, one we had to get rid of because we got a new cat and he started pissing everywhere, one is still alive and she is 6, and one is still alive and she is 12 and still going strong
Lehk: are you a necromancer? that thread has been dead for almost 4 weeks
Imthedaddy11: yep
Lehk: you wanna try working your magic on my radiator? car is leaking coolant like a mofo.
Imthedaddy11: presto, you don't have a radiator anymore, it is now working for me killing carburators
| 11 | 10.090909 | |
1409942047 | 1409946112 | t3_2fklhp | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by coming inside right after her period
My life has been a huge fuck up so far, but this one could haunt me for long time (20-25 years to be more precise)
I contacted her on Badoo (a dating website popular among Hispanics) in early September 2013. I told her that I was not interested on a relationship, that I was just looking for a fwb. We went to my place to have sex for the first time. I was about to get a condom when she said “I just finished my period, so no need for that” I saw her a few more times, we kept doing it without protection, but I came inside her pussy only that first time, I came inside her ass every time after that(and I know it’s not guarantee of anything, since precum on her vagina is enough to do the trick). On December, she told me that she was pregnant. I offered to go with her to terminate the pregnancy, and to pay for everything. She refused. She wanted me to get involved with the pregnancy and be a father for the child, which I refused. I told her from day one that I do not want to be involved in the life of the child. That was the last time I saw her. The baby was born in late June. She claims that is mine, I haven’t done a DNA test, so I do not know. I haven’t heard from any lawyers yet, but I won’t be surprised if I get a letter one of these days.
I know that I’m an idiot, I could have gotten a nice hot cup of HIV, so I was lucky in that regard.
Edit: She says that the baby is mine, and I did ask for a DNA test, and she stopped contacting me. We got into an argument(texting), and she afterwards claimed that her sister was texting me using her phone without her knowledge.
cherylannmarie: Wtf were you thinking having unprotected sex with some girl you met on a web site. Who gives a shit if it's right after her period. First of all that does NOTHING to prevent a pregnancy as you NOW know and secondly it doesn't prevent you from getting an STD. No guy should EVER fall for "hey its ok I'm on the pill" or any other bullshit excuse not to wear a condom with a girl he barely knows. There are girls out there (sad to say) that try to get pregnant in order to trap a guy. If you do hear from her looking for child support you better demand a god damn DNA test. If you ARE the father then you better man up and help take care of the child who by the way didn't ask for this.
ChocolateSporks: Exactly. As an adult, he knew damn well that any unprotected sex carries risk, and unless they can show you the implant in their arm or you've watched them take the pill every day for the past few weeks, pregnancy is always one of them. The real fuck up is OP not admitting his stupidity in the first place and agreeing to help with the child. The DNA test might prove otherwise, but OP should be in his child's life, if not, OP should organise financial support, just like you said, this child didn't choose this, not it's fault it has a pair of idiots for parents.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409942288 | 1409948412 | t3_2fkly8 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Syn_Claire: TIFU by trying to quit smoking
I haven't smoked in a while, and dealing with cravings can be pretty challenging. Different people have different reactions from nicotine withdrawal, and for me sometimes that's anger and frustration.
Not anger directed by anyone or anything in particular, except from this now empty glass on my desk.
So in trying to combat my body's urge for nicotine, I got kinda irritated when my printer just wouldn't print and I whacked it in a fit of rage, knocking over a glass of Fanta that was on my desk in the process. If that wasn't infuriating enough, the Fanta went all over my lap and my fairly new mechanical keyboard.
**It wasn't diet fanta...**
So now I'm sitting here with a sticky desk, a sticky lap and a fanta-logged keyboard in rice trying to type this up on my old crappy backup keyboard with faulty WASD keys.
I'm so 'bleh' now I'm not even angry any more. ._.
TL;DR: Don't smoke or you'll be sitting one day with a sticky lap contemplating your life choices.
slibsirk: did you follow ripsters cleaning guide?
what board do you have?
Syn_Claire: DuckyShine 3. Took the keys off the effected area, dabbed it down and stuck it in rice in some tupperware.
slibsirk: Are any keys sticky?
If so get some warm water on a straw and spam the switch.
Syn_Claire: I washed the sticky keys, and I might try that with the key connectors, thanks :)
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1409855037 | 1409945179 | t3_2fh5nw | t5_2to41 | 4 | iamsocool123toaseat: TIFU by being afraid of moths
This happened about 4 years ago.
I was laying on my bed and reading a book, when suddenly a moth flies out from wherever it is moths come from. It flies over to the lamp, one of those lamps were the shade is pointed upward and you have to screw the bulb in to hold the shade on. I have a phobia of moths and other flying insects, so I rush and get a spray bottle of disinfectant to kill the moth, just as my parents taught me. The moth flies away from the lamp and lands on a nearby wall, where I spray it, but alas the moth remained alive. It continues a cycle of flying around and briefly landing on walls, leaving just before I spray it again. Eventually, the moth began to fly around in the lamp shade. By now I was eager to kill the insect, so I don't hesitate to spray the moth as it flutters around the light bulb. Being adrenalized by my imminent victory, I forgot that hot and cold react. When I sprayed the lamp, the light bulb shattered and the room went dark. Instead of checking my face and body for scars from glass shrapnel, I ran out of the room screaming "Bad idea! Bad Idea! Bad idea!" After calming down and confirming I was unharmed, I grabbed a flashlight and went to check my room. Shattered glass was laying all over the floor and my bed, and I had to wait until I had actual light to be able to clean it up. I ended up sleeping on my cold hard floor. At least I killed the moth.
TL;DR killed moth with Edison grenade, had to sleep on floor.
waitwhyworry: Edison grenade... I've never heard this before. Impressive.
iamsocool123toaseat: Well thank you.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409945230 | 1410105228 | t3_2fkr35 | t5_2to41 | 9 | ThisLaptopSucks: TIFU by buying a $600 laptop brand new and being forced to spend $120 to fix it. And it is still broken.
**NOTE: Long Story, TLDR available at the bottom**
Back in May of this year, I bought a laptop from a store in the USA, brand new for about US$600. It is a Toshiba Satellite as my laptop of several years old is no longer up to the task of Video Editing in HD.
Everything was nice and happy, and I brought this laptop back in Canada where it was mostly trouble free for one month. Then something happened.
First, as I was browsing, some pages would not load and some images would appear discolored and 8-bit glitchy.
Then, some files I downloaded were bad and corrupted and no amount of redownloading would fix it. Rebooting the system may get the system working properly again, but I suspected network issues. When fixing the network didn't help, I suspected the laptop itself.
Memtest86 was run because I suspected a memory error or RAM failure. However it passed.
I then ripped out Windows 8 and installed a legit copy of Windows 7 Ultimate, yet the problem persisted.
As time wore on, the corrupting data and frustration in browsing the internet made the laptop very annoying to use. Furthermore, I work in Engineering and corrupting data is unsafe to work with on the systems I design.
I then ran a Memory Test and there and then I saw the RAM was faulty. Rebooting the system,the RAM errors disappeared. Rebooting it again makes the RAM errors return. I then determined that the RAM Modules were faulty, and I needed to perform a warranty claim.
The problem was intermittent, and totally random.
Then I proceeded to make the first calls of many.
---------------
THE SAGA BEGINS
---------------
**CALL 1: Toshiba Canada**
Toshiba Canada was no help. They firmly said that only Toshiba USA will be the only one to help me. They gave me a phone number, a reference number and hung up.
**CALL 2: Toshiba USA #1**
Toshiba USA was more listening to my story. However, when it came to actually getting the service done, they informed they cannot help me as my laptop was purchased in the USA and I am in Canada.
They then proposed a "proxy claim." I would be sending my laptop to a relative or friend down the USA, and they will claim the warranty under my behalf. I then said I would be calling my relatives and arranging the "proxy claim."
Toshiba then said that these will be on my expense, and they won't be covering a penny for it.
--------------------------
Troubleshooting
--------------------------
Performing this proxy claim would involve me spending a good chunk of money. I would have pay to ship my laptop down to the USA, then pay for the shipping of the fixed laptop back to Canada. And everything in between. So why not try to fix the laptop first?
I went to Canada Computers, very nice people. They allowed me access to their technician's area after a bit of talking and convincing. I then swapped out my Laptop's RAM Modules with their "known to be good" RAM sticks.
After running Memtest for two hours (again, thank you Canada Computers for your patience), the Memtest returned GOOD. I then spent $100 for 8GB of So-DIMM DDR3L and returned back to the Technician's area. I installed the RAM sticks and then ran the memory test for two hours again. Passed!
So satisfied with the results, I gave my thanks and left.
--------------------------
It Returns
--------------------------
Like a bad diarrhea that resurfaces back after every flush, the Memory Errors returned. It started with the same symptoms: First bad pictures, then pages loading forever, then corrupted data and downloads.
Running Memtest again, the new RAM that I purchased failed the Memtest *again* Oddly enough it was on the same Memory Address, so I determined that the motherboard itself is faulty and I have no choice but to ship the laptop out.
I went back to Canada Computers and returned the stick of RAM. They gave me a full refund, thank goodness.
--------------------------
Setting up the Proxy Claim
--------------------------
I rung up my relative down in the USA, the same state I bought my laptop in. They were understanding of the issue and then offered to do the proxy claim. After a bit of talking, she agreed to handle it, and I will wire money to cover shipping back to Canada and prepared the claim.
However, as I was preparing the Claim, the credit card I have was not accepted by Toshiba. It had to be a United States credit card.
I apparently had to pay for the prepaid shipping box my laptop goes in. Why should I pay for the broken laptop repair they sold me? Ugh...
**CALL 3: Toshiba USA #2**
I called Toshiba USA again. I brought up the reference number and the Proxy Claim. I then said if I could pay for the Prepaid Shipping Box from Canada.
After putting me on hold for 5 minutes, they returned with their slow sorry sorry voice that I have to use a USA credit card.
I was irritated already. For the very first time. I have dealt with CSRs before and generally was very nice.
After all, reap what you sow is what I believe. I wanted to be nice to these people so they would help me.
However all these roadblocks in my way were starting to wear down my patience.
I then ended the call quickly, and rung up my relative again.
-------------------------
A lesson in asking nicely
-------------------------
I then talked to my relatives again, and after explaining the situation, I was ashamed to ask for more money but I convinced them to let me use their card number. Promising to pay it back. This is probably the worst feeling I have gotten in years... Asking for someone else's credit card number made me feel like a scamming crook.
But, the payment processed, the form filled out, and the box was on it's way. The only thing left is to ship my laptop to my relative and all should be taken care of.
I sent them US $60 to cover the return ship and the prepaid box.
"Final Stretch" I said.
I was wrong.
**Call 4: Toshiba USA #3**
I inquired about clearing data from the laptop before sending it in. I specifically wanted to use Darik's Boot and Nuke to ensure it is all securely deleted before it leaves my hands.
The call went like this:
Me: "Am I allowed to clear all the data from the laptop before sending it in?"
Toshiba: "Yes sir, you are encouraged to delete all the data before doing so."
Me: "Would it be OK if I used software to sanitize the hard disk and make it totally blank before sending it in?"
Toshiba: "Yes, that would be OK."
Me: "Could I leave it totally blank and not have anything installed on it?"
Toshiba: "Yes, the technician would be able to deal with that."
Me: "No need to run Windows 8 recovery disk?"
Toshiba: "No need to reload Windows 8."
Me: "Thank you. I will get to it."
I then fired up some imaging software to back up my laptop, then nuked the hard disk with Multipass DoD, leaving it totally blank.
-----------------------
It's Packing Time!
-----------------------
I went to a place where FedEx Ground ships. Unfortunately they didn't have the Fedex Laptop Box. So, grudgingly I took the bus to Staples where they sell shipping supplies.
So I took my laptop, taped on some documents and screenshots (details later) and bagged it in preparation for the ship.
I bought a shipping box, bubble wrap, some packing tape and peanuts. Total cost was $20 Canadian (US $17). With daylight fading, I wrapped the laptop in plastic, then in bubble wrap of many layers, taped it up really good and Tetris'd it in the box with foam and pieces to hold it secure.
The manager of Staples was, again, thankfully helpful and understanding, allowing me to stay past closing time.
I had a small chat with him, explaining my laptop needing servicing and pretty much the entire story so far. He then replied with a really good solid explanation of warranties and their laws, then name dropped their laptops to me.
I definitely remember saying "I would buy my next laptop from here for sure." He then pointed out helpful tips in packing and I completed it.
With Canadian politeness of excessive Thank Yous and You're Welcomes, I departed back to the ship center.
-----
One hour and 16 minutes later, I managed to reach the ship center. Too late.
The person who deals with shipping left. I then left my laptop with them and have to return after the weekend.
-----------------------------
The Send-Off
-----------------------------
I returned to the ship center, money in hand. I then plonked down $50 Canadian (US ~$45) to send the laptop to my relatives. A few days later the laptop arrived to them, then they packed it in Toshiba's box and sent it to Toshiba. At long last it was going to be fixed.
"The final stretch is here. At last."
I was wrong.
-----------------------------
Suspicion
-----------------------------
I received an email on my phone, acknowledging the laptop was received. I smiled.
About a few hours later, I received another email, saying it was fixed and is being sent back. I was worried.
How could they diagnose and replace the electronics of this laptop so quickly?
-----------------------------
Disappointment
-----------------------------
A week later, the laptop came back to my relatives. They immediately called me.
Relative: "There's something wrong."
Me: "I was scared you would say that."
Relative: "Toshiba has this paper form, NONE of the boxes were ticked."
Me: "Really!?"
She then sent me a picture. The form has a long list of possible repairs, including "replaced system board" and "replaced system memory."
NONE of them were checked.
Me: "Wait, so they did nothing!?"
Relative: "No! They did something. Let me take a picture."
There was a picture appeared on my phone.
"Reloaded System Software."
I swore. I paid a lot of money for shipping and repaying my relative. All Toshiba did was to reinstall Windows 8.
Me: "How can this be possible? I taped on a document describing a HARDWARE error, with pictures on it showing Memtest and Windows Memory Diagnostic pointing to a RAM failure!?"
Immediately, I realized:
"The technician must have wrongly assumed that the blank hard disk is the problem. But how could he ignore the pictures I taped on the laptop itself!? And the CSR said I could wipe the hard disk with no issues!"
I ended the call to my relative, and I placed another call to Toshiba.
**Call 5: Toshiba USA #4**
This cannot be possible. I described a RAM Problem, a hardware fault, dot by dot with all possible details. I sent and attached pictures of Memtest showing RAM errors. By all means this should have been at least some hardware replacement. Not a software install that I could have done and have done myself!
I then rang up Toshiba.
After entering my serial number, an automated voice said that my phone assistance has expired and to get my credit card ready.
"GRRRR."
I then got a hold of a real person. I explained that my laptop was not properly repaired, that a hardware problem cannot possibly be fixed by simply installing Windows 8.
The CSR agreed with me and it was a possible source of confusion. And they put me on hold.
Unholding, the CSR insisted that they done all they can (BS) and that the laptop went through a full inspection (is that possible in a few hours?) and they didn't find any issues. After explaining the "Proxy Claim" scheme, I talked:
Me: "What if, I receive this laptop back in Canada, it fails again on the same problem you did not fix??"
Toshiba: "Then we will be able to do another repa-"
Me: "You mean I have to ship it back AGAIN, AT MY OWN EXPENSE because your technicians did not care enough to read the report I sent in and assumed it needed an OS reinstall!? You should have REPLACED the laptop already!"
Toshiba: "I am sorry sir, but we do not replace entire laptops-"
Me: "Then why did you sell me this laptop which had defective parts in it!?"
Toshiba: "..."
After a few moments of silence, they responded.
Toshiba: "Okay, we will schedule a call with our Level 2 Technician, and they will talk to you on the best course of action."
I then left my number, a time for them to call, and now I wait. The time goes past midnight without a call.
Therefore it should come tomorrow.
------------------------------
Tech Support, and a few drinks
------------------------------
I then talked to my relatives. Unfortunately they are not exactly technically inclined. I spent an hour just getting them to run Windows Memory Diagnostic (WinMD).
It passes.
Of course it would pass, WinMD has less depth and intensity compared to memtest and will not stress the hardware too much.
I then instruct them to run as many tests as they can. Hoping to catch the memory error, which is completely intermittent and may appear and disappear at random.
My laptop stays in the US, as I don't want to spend more money moving and shipping the laptop across the border.
-THE END-
To be continued?
**SUMMARY, TLDR**
1. Toshiba sold me a laptop that had faulty RAM in the USA three months ago. I live in Canada.
2. After replacing the RAM, the errors persisted. This points to a faulty motherboard.
3. Toshiba Canada does not repair USA laptops.
4. Toshiba USA conjures this weird scheme where I have to send the laptop to my relatives and have them claim the laptop warranty on my behalf.
5. Under Toshiba USA's approval, I wiped the hard disk blank and sent the laptop to my relatives.
6. My relatives sent the laptop to Toshiba USA under my behalf. (The "Proxy Claim" scheme)
7. Toshiba USA ignores all the text and documentation I sent them, assumes hardware is perfect and the blank disk is causing the problem.
8. Toshiba USA reinstalls Windows 8, does not replace any hardware (thus not resolving the hardware issue) and sends it back.
9. Now I am out $120 on repairing a $600 laptop. Which was not repaired at all.
10. I am poised to lose more money out of this.
**LESSONS LEARNED:**
1. Don't expect electronics to work well out of the box. Surprising, I know!
2. Burn in your computer ASAP after you buy it. Prime95, Memtest86 and even Windows Memory Diagnostics on several passes over several days is a must.
3. Beware intermittent hardware issues. Periodically retest every few weeks, catch the issue early and return it!
4. Buy local so you don't have to deal with cross border warranty issues.
5. Don't buy a Toshiba. I have went through many computers (a FOSA, Acer, HP netbook, a Compaq Netbook and a Fujitsu-Siemens) and NONE of them have serious glaring hardware fault like this. And the treatment my laptop gets at the service depot is not the brightest either.
**TOTAL MONEY WASTED:**
Laptop: $600
Packing: $17
Shipping 1: $45
Shipping 2: $30
Shipping 3: $30
TOTAL: $722
Should have not bought a garbage Toshiba.
TIFU.
LuciaCassandra: This seems to be a trend with any sort of non-face to face customer service and large manufacturer. It's so horrible the way people get treated these days. But the companies keep getting away with it because they can, and it doesn't hurt their profits. There should be some sort of accountability as motivation for them to do better but what? Obviously whatever we have now isn't working.
ThisLaptopSucks: Unfortunately, this seems to be the case. The "Level 2 Technician" did not call back despite many assurances that an appointment is scheduled.
I'll follow up tonight.
| 3 | 3 | |
1409943829 | 1409947668 | t3_2fkoo4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | tifu_throwaway42: TIFU by giving my lady-friend oral sex last night...(NSFW)
In an effort to keep up, I strained the ligament in the underside of my tongue and am having difficulty speaking clearly today.
Athena_Nikephoros: I'm sure she appreciated it.
tifu_throwaway42: She did. Many times.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409946125 | 1409946714 | t3_2fkso8 | t5_2to41 | 15 | phukingfacebook: TIFU by accidentally leaving facebook up while wanking.
This happend yesterday and everything is OK now, but good God I thought I had brought hell down on me.
I have dual screens, that's important to know. And obviously this is a throwaway.
So I have facebook up on the right one and reddit up on my main one(the left one). Nothing new on reddit and I'm really bored so I scroll through facebook for a while.
Low and behold, an old(busty) classmate just posted a bikini picture. Instant hard on(not by her really, more like I got reminded that the biggest porn collection in history is right in front of me). So I go to the bathroom, take some TP and put it down on the keyboard so I can grab it quickly when I need to. Then I open up a tab in incognito but I find the light from the right monitor disturbing so I shut it off.
2h later me and my SO is sitting in front of the computer editing pictures. I go to grab some cookies and she sits there by herself for 2 minutes. When I get back, there's a panorama-like picture up on the main screen.
"What the fuck is that?" I think.
It's a girl being fucked from behind, and right next to it is a picture of a facebook friend of mine. Turns out I must have hit the "printscreen" button while going for the TP and since I my dropbox uploads all of my screenshots it got saved.
I don't even want to talk about the shit that went on with my SO after that but it's OK and she understands that it was just a mistake.
Today I fucked up, and then some.
**Tldr; If you accidentally "liked" someones bikini picture on facebook, you got off lucky.**
mathingjay: Us girlfriends can be a pain sometimes, but we're not all bad. Glad it worked out.
phukingfacebook: > Us girlfriends can be a pain sometimes,
Yeah but she had good reasons!
| 3 | 5 | |
1409947901 | 1410015790 | t3_2fkvp0 | t5_2to41 | 3,385 | SibcyRoad: TIFU by putting in a tampon
My cat was sitting in front of me. The tampon had a string. Cats like string.
TL;DR: My pussy attacked my pussy.
sellmeyourusedtampon: See username.
Ohyeskatie: Why would you want a used tampon...
thelieswetell: There's a subreddit I could link you that would ruin your day.
Ohyeskatie: What?! Are you serious?? I need to see this
thelieswetell: /r/ttotm I'm sorry
Chromehounds96: Nope, not clicking it.
[deleted]: How about you click these
/r/CuteFemaleCorpses
/r/WatchNiggersDie
/r/SpaceDicks
aspohr89: The top one might be the first subreddit that truly disgusted me. Why the Fuck did I click that?
[deleted]: They all Disgust me. Welcome to the Internet.
Just be happy that i didnt Remember to put in LiveLeak Links.
Also, How did /r/WatchNiggersDie and /r/Spacedicks not Disgust you?
Virginia_Dentata: S/he didn't say the others didn't disgust him, just that the female corpses one was the first to do so.
I'm so grossed out by reddit right now. I mean more than usual.
[deleted]: Its more of the internet rather then reddit.
Virginia_Dentata: True. I just meant that I sort of thought reddit was a little better than the internet in general. Although I don't know why I would think so. :(
[deleted]: or 4Chan. The /b/ Board....
| 14 | 241.785714 | |
1409946949 | 1409957214 | t3_2fku34 | t5_2to41 | 10 | witch-hunted-doe: TIFU by causing a witch-hunt in class
This happened a week ago. An alternative title would be: "TIFU and nearly got my head lopped off in class"
I recently re-started school (I was home schooled for a while) in this international school, that's supposedly one of the finest in the country.
I typically enjoy History and Social Studies - this year should be no exception, eh? Flash forward to two weeks into the school year, we're having a test. The teacher's a funny guy, so he adds a bonus question, "Are you wearing underwear?" LOL.
A couple of days later, while discussing school stuff with my parents, I mention the bonus question. My dad's a teacher himself, and he does make a lot of jokes in class, so I figured, he and the History teacher would get along.. Well, snap my neck and call me broken..
In our next class with the teacher, he pep-talks the class. "How long have I known you guys?" he asks - mainly directing the 'old' students. He talks about how he got pulled into the headmistresses office after someone complained about a bonus question. THEN, he talks about how this time he'll let it go, but should someone complain again, he'll take any and every measures to find out who did it.
The class erupts into a silent discussion - who did it? Does that mean that the person complaining didn't wear underwear that day? I look over to my seatmate - she knows. She saw me writing up a journal entry about it. I'm relying on her to keep her mouth shut - but the witch hunt has already started.
So yeah.. *I really should complain about a teacher threatening the class.* Ahem. Really, though, I didn't have any problem with the bonus question. But the school does have high standards, and it's a bit unprofessional for a teacher to ask such a question.
Tl;dr: Teacher asked, "Are you wearing underwear?" **Casually** mentioned it to parents. Parents took it as personal harassment of a teacher to a class. Commence a witch-hunt on the "inconsiderate snitch"
PS: I'd give you guys a proof (the test paper), but he hasn't returned them yet.
EDIT: Wow.. definitely opened up my eyes to the issue. I'll take it up to case - if he does anything else creepy, I'll be a trigger-happy snitch for the headmistress. Thanks you guys.
ZeroSumHappiness: Not a fuckup. That shit is not cool. Walk straight to the headmaster and get the fucker fired. (His response is not cool. The original bonus question was a little creepy.)
baussrickross: Agreed. The bonus questions is a bit weird but threatening to call someone out in class like that is awful.
rod1g: Yep, what kind of teachers would ask their underaged students if they are wearing any undies? Especially for the girls? Has he been keeping count? WTF. Your parents are in the right, that guy should definitely be checked out. If it were my kid's teacher who did this, I'll definitely bring it to the head of the school.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409949838 | 1410066763 | t3_2fkz2u | t5_2to41 | 564 | pantherasolutions: TIFU by slapping my cousins ass.
This just happened like 5 minutes ago, and I am still in shock.
So me, my mom, aunt, and cousin are sitting outside on the deck.
Keep in mind, that our pool connects right to our deck.
I am 17, and my cousin is 25.
Here's when the moment of terror begins...
So were talking, and all of the sudden two god damn bees decide, "hey let's fuck with this kid today." So naturally as the bees come buy, my mom, aunt, and cousin freak the fuck out. Me being a badass decide, "let me hit this fucker out of the sky, and into the pool with my bare hands." You probably can tell what happens next. The bee flies buy, and just as I swing my hand, my cousin decides that the be is going to sting her, and jumps up like a fucking kangaroo, and uhh, yah. My hand smacked the shit out of her ass. To make things worse, she had come over to tan in our pool, so she was in full bikini. The looks on all three of their faces, will terrorize me until the day I die. I literally said, "Oh shit" and ran inside to my room.
Tried to kill be, swung, missed, and slapped cousins ass.
friend_of_bob_dole: Ran inside to your room.... to fap?
Jok3rlynx: You forgot to mention to fap with the same hand he slapped his cousin ass with.
n-f-chambers: That is a necessary component to the fap
TheNordicninja: There should be a rule book.
colonel_goat_banger: There IS a rule book.
| 6 | 94 | |
1409949792 | 1409961059 | t3_2fkz03 | t5_2to41 | 17 | hithrow4way: TIFU by leaving my receipt out on the table
I'm a stay at home mother while my husband works. We have a son. He recently just started got back to school and we signed him up for the after-school program. (Yay, for free baby sitting.) My son doesn't arrive home until later in the day around 6:30 pm , and my husband around 7:00 pm.
I do house chores, and prepare them dinner. I make sure that the dinner table is sit by the time my husband comes home. It was simply another day of living in routine, but the week worth of grocery was running out, so I decided that to make an errand run to my local grocery store.
Grocery shopping is done, and I begin to cook.
Fast forward, my son comes homes. Shortly, after my husband comes home. We eat dinner together, but he notices that I left the receipt on the dinner table. He took a quick glance and looked at it. He noticed what I purchased. It was a box of condoms. Then, it all begin to down from here.
My husband and I never used condoms as of lately. He put one and one together and finds out that I am having an affair with him. I'm home alone from 9:00 am to 6:00 pm, so it wasnt hard to do so.
Now, our marriage is soon to be over. It's been about a week since I was last kicked out the house. I'm trying to salvage our marriage after realizing what a shitty person I am.
TL;DR
Went to grocery store and purchase box of condoms. Left receipt out on the table. Husband finds out that I purchase box of condoms. Finds out that I am having an affair.
chump3: Well, really you fucked up by having an affair...
wally_gockit: Seriously. If this is where you think you fucked up you obviously aren't ready for a marriage.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1409950992 | 1409951939 | t3_2fl0x6 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with with a girl from OKcupid.
So I just moved to a new town and I've been looking for companionship. I turned to the internet to help me. I invited a girl over to my place to hang out. Anyways I've never met this girl in person before. She comes over and is big but has a cute face I guess. Ok w/e what did I expect from literally pulling a girl off okcupid to come over. Anyways we hook up for a bit her mouth is minty and her hygiene seems fine. I finger her and don't notice anything that out of place I mean it smelled a little bit but nothing alarming. Just a normalish stink.
Anyways we start fucking and holy fuck it smelled wretched. I don't know if it was her asshole or what but holy fuck shit I wanted to vomit. I continue on like a trooper but I now realize the war wasn't worth fighting. Anyways we go to bed. This girl idk is sleeping over. w/e.
Then here's the biggest fuck up. I fuck her again this morning because sometime is the 4 hours of sleep I got I forgot she smelled terrible down there. So I fuck her again and I'm pretty sure I didn't come from pleasure but for a reason to get away without hurting her feelings. I shower for like 15 minutes and head to work. The whole day at work my hands smell like shitty pussy and I when I pull down my pants my dick and pubes still smell terrible. I can't shit without gagging.
I've been interacting with coworkers in my office all day and I think they smell the stinky puss on me.
Guys I really fucked up. She wants to hang out again but I don't want to. While reading my fuck up if you have any advice on how to get out of this situation without hurting her feelings please let me know.
Sincerely,
shittypussydick
see here for more context.
http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/2fk08q/i_cant_get_the_smell_off_me/
gaegogi: did you say anything to her about it? maybe her sense of smell is just as bad as her punan stink.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacterial_vaginosis
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Bacterial vaginosis**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacterial%20vaginosis): [](#sfw)
---
>__Bacterial vaginosis__ (__BV__) or very uncommonly __vaginal bacteriosis__ is a [disease](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disease) of the [vagina](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina) caused by [bacteria](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacteria). According to the U.S. [Centers for Disease Control and Prevention](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centers_for_Disease_Control_and_Prevention) (CDC), risk factors for BV include [douching](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douching) and having new or multiple sex partners, although it is unclear what role sexual activity plays in the development of BV. BV is caused by an imbalance of naturally occurring bacterial flora and is often confused with [yeast infection](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yeast_infection) ([candidiasis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candidiasis)) or infection with *[Trichomonas vaginalis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichomonas_vaginalis)* ([trichomoniasis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichomoniasis)), which are not caused by bacteria.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/1THDgfs.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Vaginose-G15.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Candidiasis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candidiasis) ^| [^Vagina](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina) ^| [^Metronidazole](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metronidazole) ^| [^Gardnerella ^vaginalis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gardnerella_vaginalis)
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| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1409948505 | 1409954934 | t3_2fkwrk | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to take my permit out of my pocket.
I came back home after some driving, and it was time to do the laundry. So I put my pants in the washing machine, completely forgetting to check the pockets.
The next day, I couldn't find my permit. As I thought hard, trying to remember where they were last, I shit myself, realizing my fuck up.
The damn thing went through the washing machine and dryer, while inside my pocket, and was nothing but a mush of paper pulp.
CocoLeFleur: Your drivers permit? They aren't made of plastic???
[deleted]: No, I'm in California...they're paper.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409951280 | 1409951994 | t3_2fl1gz | t5_2to41 | 6 | Thunder21: TIFU by spilling boiling hot nicotine on my dick.
Well this morning (Yes. It actually happened today.) I woke up. Being the new college student I am coupled with a couple bad decisions last night, my hangover felt like I've had a huge erection the last 3 days and had been starving my brain of blood. It was bad. Well This was about 7:30, and I had class at 9:10 so I though "Cool! I've got some time to chill and stuff." So I ate my cereal and decided it was time for a shower to rinse the previous nights bad decisions off of my body and out of my head. Well I decided I needed some nicotine to help my head feel less like the Hindenburg. So I grab my e-cig. Well I've got a decent setup, and, for those not familiar with e-cigs, what is called a dripper on top. Basically it's has two coils that heat up juice wrapped around some cotton that you then drip the juice onto. It has a cap on it that must be removed to drip the juice, and there are two decent sized air holes on the side of said cap. So i go to the bathroom, turn the shower on and grab my ecig. I take my clothes off and start to put some ejuice into my dripper. I dripped a little too much but figured it wouldn't be that bad. I put it up to my mouth and fire it up. Well, the air hole on the side was John Wilkes Booth and my dick was Abraham Lincoln's head. Like a trained military sniper, a huge glob of excess ejuice that was sitting right on the coil shot right onto my unsuspecting cock. It hurt. A lot. I threw my ecig down and screamed out in pain. I grabbed towel and wiped it off, but it was like throwing a bottle of Ozarka onto a forest fire. The damage was done. I got into the shower and tried to make myself feel better, but it was in vain (or vein. I don't know, I'm not an english major.) I went to my 9:10 class and sat through my professor taking about engineering ethics while my dick sat in my pants still mad at me. The pain has subsided, but the memory is still burned into my memory.
TL;DR: My dick is not on talking terms with me because I fucked up.
CocoLeFleur: Dang. It must have been painful. I bet your dick was smoking.
FaceOfHo: I guess there won't be any type of blowing soon.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409950627 | 1410012081 | t3_2fl0d1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Pat_Magroin89: TIFU by forgetting how to "ninja-pee"
The year was 1994. I was a 5 year old kindergartner living in Cornelius, OR going to Echo Shaw Elementary School. I lived with my mother, father, and little brother. All my life my parents taught me the value of the little things in life, one of my favorite "little things" that my dad taught me was my god-given mother nature-endorsed right to pee outside on to the eternally judge free earth. Everytime our family went camping or visited a relative who had a home in the countryside, I would take full advantage of this incredible opportunity and find a tree or bush (I was small, it concealed my whole body) to pee behind. Being 5 years old, and with very few cares in the world besides how in the world I was going to be able to beat "Super Mario World" in under 15 minutes, I also indulged in one other thing you may have seen other little people do when peeing... I pulled my pants down to my ankles before letting forth the golden shower. Whenever I was busted going to the bathroom outside, the one thing that always gave me up without failure was my bare behind. You'd think I would have learned, am I right?
One day I was at school with my fellow kindergartners playing on the playground frollicking about having a grand old time. I remember we were playing "Titanic" which was remarkably similar to the game "Lava". You could not, I repeat, COULD NOT, once more for effect, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY COULD ABSOLUTELY NOT... touch the ground. If you did, you got dead and had to wait until the council of children deemed it time for the next game and you could play again. You remember this game? Many played it in their living rooms and would make bridges out of pillows. Good times... good times. Anyways, Titanic and 45-minutes recess, a child's favorite thing in the day. After playing and frollicking about for awhile, I found myself building up the urge to (you guessed it) go pee. I was not a savage and I respected the rules, I was not about to simply pee on the playground where all the other children played, yuck! So I walked over to the teacher on duty, I was a semi troublesome child so she knew me by name.
"Miss lady? I have to go to the bathroom." I pleaded with her while doing the pee-pee dance.
"Pat_Magroin, there's only 15 minutes left. You can hold it for a little while longer." She replied. She could not show weakness by letting me go inside and use the bathroom... or something.
Whatever, no big deal. I was a child, and a heroic one (in my mind). I can easily face the trials of a full bladder. So I went back to playing Titanic.
After 5 minutes, I realized I was not clearly as legendary as I thought, and now had to go incredibly bad. I pee-pee danced my way back to the teacher on duty.
"Miss lady? I REALLY have to go, can I please?" I pleaded with her once more. I was raised that manners are of the utmost importance, this is how I spoke. I was not a disrespectful little shit of a child.
"Pat_Magroin, there's only 5 or so minutes left. You can go when the rest of the kids go in, you can hold it." She replied.
"Okay..." I walked away in defeat.
It was at this moment I devised a plan. I'll go back to the playground and act like I'm having a fun time. As soon as that vile woman was not paying attention, I was going to quickly run to the edge of the opposite side of the playground outside her field of view, unzip and do my business quickly, and get back to playing before anyone was the wiser. What could go wrong?!
I put my plan in to action. Within minutes the watchwoman got distracted with a rowdy group. I sprinted in to action out of sight and ran to the edge of the playground. Having to go pee as bad as I did, I forgot I was not in the middle of the wilderness and pulled my pants down to my ankles and let 'er rip.
I remember feeling not only the relief of a quickly emptying bladder, but a feeling of success as my flawless plan was flawlessly executed... or so I had thought. As I finished up my business with I. P. Standing, I pulled my pants back up. At this point I realized "Aw shucks, all my friends saw my butt cheeks. Oh well." As soon as I pulled up my pants, I felt a hand grab my shoulder.
"Pat_Magroin, you're coming with me." Miss lady muttered surprisingly calm under her voice. A feeling of dread swept over my body and remained with me all the way to the principal's office.
While Miss Lady explained what I did to the principal (my principal was also female, so I received no sympathy!) I sat on the chair across from my principal's desk. At least I didn't have to pee anymore!
The principal dialed my parents phone and put it on speaker so that I could receive the full wrath of all parties involved.
"Mrs. Pat_Magroin, I have Pat_Magroin here in my office. He thought it was OK to pee on the playground." My principal informed my mother.
"I don't see the issue here." My mom defended me. The principal immediately turned red in the face, took the phone off speaker and picked up the receiver to her face.
"It is against school policy blah blah blah urinating in public blah blah blah I'm sending him home please come pick him up... Thank you, have a good day." The principal hung up the phone and avoided my eyes.
My mom picked me up out front and I hopped in the car with my backpack.
"S'matter with you boy? You know you're only supposed to do that at home or where no one can see you!" My mother was trying not to laugh, but wanted to make sure I learned the lesson here.
The next day at school, a girl named Kayla walked up to me first chance she got and said "I saw what you did yesterday."
TL;DR I tried to get away with peeing on the playground out of sight and forgot rule number one of the art of ninja peeing, don't pull your pants down to your ankles. I was busted, my mom supported my actions... sort of.
unfickwuthable: sooooo did you ever stick it in kayla's butt? i'm assuming you're married by now
Pat_Magroin89: No, alas I did not. I got married to a much more beautiful woman, sorry to disappoint
| 3 | 2 | |
1409949981 | 1409961205 | t3_2fkzat | t5_2to41 | 15 | wally_gockit: TIFU by telling a 3 year old his dad didn't love him
So this happened to me about a year ago when I was teaching preschool. As many of you may know it is not uncommon for kids to cry when they get dropped off. So I have this little boy crying and crying on my lap and a couple of other kids sitting on the floor next to us.
The little boy is upset his mom left so I tell him, "Don't worry, mommies and daddies always come back."
One of the little boys sitting on the floor next to us says, "No they don't."
I'm a bit peeved because I'm trying to get the other boy to stop crying. I tell them all, "Yes they do because mommies and daddies love us. Since they love us, they always come back."
Same boy says, "No." I reply, "Yes." And leave it at that
Another teacher comes up to me and informs me that that boys father died of a heart attack two months before he started school. Needless to say I feel like shit.
So TIFU by telling a 3 year old his dead dad died because he didn't love him.
Queentoad1: I can tell you that a three-year-old can comprehend death as "never coming back." All that little boy was saying is that even if people love you, sometimes they don't come back. That is the truth, from the mouth of a babe. Adjust your verbiage. Dealing with kids is tricky.
wally_gockit: Yeah I was mostly concerned with calming the crying child and didn't think of what the kid was saying. Years of experience and still put my foot in my mouth lol
Queentoad1: Hey, me too. A crying kid gets first priority. You were trying, and learning. Good on you, and best of luck in the future.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1409952394 | 1409985025 | t3_2fl3ex | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting mad at my cat
I want to start by saying that my mother can be a fairly emotional woman. Even though she can be frustrating to deal with at times, I will always love and respect her. I would never denounce or attack her in any way, emotionally or physically. This background is helpful to the story.
Anyways, early today, everyone in my house was getting up and leaving, my mother and I being the last two out the door. The order my family usually leaves the house is my father, then sister, then mom, then most days I get the house to myself for 10-20 minutes. On this particular day, my mom and I got our goodbyes out of the way, and she went to her car, at which point she doesn't come back into the house for a long time, after I leave.
Once Mom left, I heard scratching and went to my living room to investigate. Sure enough, my cat was at it again. She has a bad habit of scratching up any furniture, carpeting, whatever she can get her little claws on that isn't a scratching post. So, I go pick up my cat and say blandly in one of those speaking-to-your-pet voices, "I hate you."
Unfortunately, at this moment, my mom had chosen this exact moment to reenter the house and thought I was talking to her. She ran off before I could explain and I could see her starting to cry as she pulled out. I sent a text trying to tell her that I was talking to the cat, but she refused to respond and I found out she thought I was lying. I feel awful about it and she still won't talk to me at all.
LynwoodAvenue: Tell her to stop over reacting.
sirchafesalot: I don't think that's the best course of action but I appreciate the effort. If I do that then she gets mad and my dad has to take her side in it.
LynwoodAvenue: That's what I do with my mom. I have no time for stupid drama because my mother decides to be an idiot and not respond to reason.
sirchafesalot: Well you're lucky. My mom doesn't work like that, it only makes things worse.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1409953020 | 1410037426 | t3_2fl4iq | t5_2to41 | 152 | RobinHoodSniper: TIFU by ditching a girl on a "date"/meetup.
Inspired by the recent "TIFU by going on a date with a girl I met on Tinder." Saw that post and decided to share my story. Sorry in advance for the terrible formatting. Warning this is a bit of a long read but I promise it is worth it!
Recently I've had a rough time getting over a girl I was seeing at work and decided to meetup with a girl I met on okcupid. There wasn't much to her profile, except a few pictures (2 of which were taken on the same day, same shirt, etc.) and where she was from. She's got a cute face, but it's a bit hard to tell whether she's a bit more curvy than I'm used to. This in itself was a bad sign but she seemed interested in meeting up and since I was not doing anything I decided to just go for it, what do I have to lose RIGHT?
So we decided to meet halfway at a local mall. I've only met up with one other girl through this type of thing and so I like to pick a public place to make us both feel at ease about meeting each other in case one of us thinks the other is a serial killer or something. So I pull up next to her car and walk around to meet her at the door. She steps out and immediately I went "Oh Fuck". Now, I'm not a complete shallow hal, but I do of course have standards. To give you a comparison, I have an athletic build and 5' 11''. Now, out steps a girl who's photos I had tried to imagine in my head multiplied by two. The photos she must have put up were definitely outdated and very misleading.
So, me being a gentleman and all, trying to look past her appearance, I think "hey maybe she has a great personality" so I decide to offer to take her out for ice cream (since she's not 21) just to chat and get to know each other more, but she said she wasn't in the mood for Ice-cream. In my head I'm thinking "really... YOU are not in the mood for ice-cream..." I then rattle off a few suggestions of things we can do, one of which is to just head into the mall. All of which she replies with "mehh... uhmmm". Then the following happens:
Girl: "umm.. do you smoke?"
Me: "No, I don't"
Girl: "Oh... umm... yeah... I didn't really plan this out"
Me: "Okay well what would you like to do"
Girl: " Ummm we could just hangout in the car and drive around?"
At this point I'm willing to do anything to get this night over with. So I agree and she asks which car and I say mine (No way I'm going to be stuck in her car). We get in and I think "Wtf am I doing, I am not wasting my gas on this girl who has no idea what she's doing here in the first place", So I tell her "Hey, let's just go to the mall". With much persuasion she finally gets out of the car and heaven permits... it starts to rain, no it starts pouring. So I run to the nearest entrance and turn around to see her halfway through the parking lot sloshing about through the storm. At this moment, I get a brilliant idea to get myself out of this mess... She walks into the mall entrance behind me and I tell her "Hey, you know what I forgot my wallet in my car, I'll be RIGHT back". I run to my car, and peel out. Feeling like an asshole but knowing I did my very best to make things work. I block her number to squash any retaliatory voice mails or texts.
So I drive home, maybe 10 minutes and I pull into the driveway and get a phone call from an unknown. I figure it's probably her friend calling on her behalf to give me a piece of my mind and so I ignore it. I take the keys out of the ignition, open the car door.. and staring at me on the floor of the passenger seat is.. her purse.
Immediately, not going to lie my first impulse was "hey what if I just bury it! Nobody will ever find it!" But my sanity comes back and I realize the number who called me was most likely her parents. I immediately call back and it's her mom...
Mom: "You better fucking give back that fucking purse"
Me: "I'm extremely sorry, I had no idea your daughter left her things in my car, I apologize."
Mom: "I don't care, you better bring that back right now and you will wait for me to get there so I can check that every fucking thing is in that purse, you better hurry because they're looking for you"
Me: "Alright, Alright, I'm on my way! I'm very sorry, I had no intention of stealing or taking anything I promise you that."
So I drive my sorry ass back to the mall. I pull up and there are 4 headlights, two from a cop car and two from the girl's car. I step out and place her purse on the back of my car, exclaiming how sorry I am and apologize profusely for what happened and how much of an asshole I am. The cop walks over and asks "hey man, why'd you bail with her purse?" ... I honestly tell the officer how "awkward" and "indecisive" this girl was and how I wanted nothing to do with her after 15 minutes of standing outside the mall. The cop goes "So you basically just wanted to bail", and he looks over at her and gives me a funny look. "Yeah, pretty much".
I start to remember how crazy her mom was on the phone and I am not about to wait around for her to show up. I turn to the officer and say "Am I being charged with anything" ... "No you're not in trouble" .. "okay am I free to go?" ... " are you done with him?" ... "yeah, it's fine". I hop in my car and drive away.. noticing a van pulling in with a woman inside... I turn to her and she turns to me, the glare in her eyes told me it was her.. so I gave her the finger...
**tl;dr**I ditched an awkward girl on a "meetup" who left her purse in my car, thought I stole her purse and cops got involved, got bitched at by her mom on the phone and then I gave her the finger.
fundayz: So you are not an asshole but you ditched her:
1. Without a warning
2. At the mall
3. In the rain
4. Without her purse
Riiiiiight.... Next time grow a pair and just say it like it is, instead of running away like a little boy.
behringer__: So true, and as I'm guessing you're a m'lady, I just want to tell you that I would never treat you as such. *Tips hat*
fundayz: It's not about being a gentleman, it's about being an adult.
myepicdemise: Sometimes the bigger problem is whether the girl can be the adult. If I feel that she may not react well then I'd rather pull a quick one on her than be upfront about it and receive even more repercussions for that.
| 5 | 30.4 | |
1409954752 | 1410357690 | t3_2fl7fn | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU and made my neighbor think I have a dogshit fetish
This happened a couple months ago. I'm noticing that people in my apartment complex aren't picking up after their dogs. There are maintenance landscaper guys, but really the lawn and even the sidewalk are getting nasty between cleanings. I get my shoe messed up like 3 times in 1 week, because late-night walking and what's a flashlight?
I tell the super. Super wants to know who. I don't know names, man, just put a sign up or something. I happen to bitch about it to cool neighbor who always cleans up after his dog. His deluxe pro opinion is that I should take a picture of it happening and give it to the super.
Fast forward to nighttime, which is when covert neighbors sneak out with their smelly dogs. I'm walking my dogs and texting and I happen to see newer neighbor glancing around while he lets his dog dump by the picnic tables. I've seen him before but I don't know which apartment.
Fumble out my phone like life depends on it, point at dog crapping from a distance, flash goes off and phone makes obnoxious picture sound. Forgot to turn that off. Blurry useless pic of neighbor looking up at me. He has rageface when I glance at him for comparison.
I hunch my shoulders and jerk my dog's leash a little and go "BAD DOG" for no reason at all whatsoever, because some part of me couldn't leave awkward enough alone. Speed-shuffle out of sight.
tl;dr- I tried to covertly capture my neighbor letting their dog crap all over the shared lawn and accidentally used flash, then loudly blamed it on my dog as if it were their idea.
zub74: Post centered around defection, try reposting tomorrow. C:
Tarantulady: Aw darn. New, so thought that rule meant humans only ._.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409954244 | 1409955882 | t3_2fl6k6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Tad4828: TIFU by letting my sense of humor dictate my actions ...
Today, I'm in a weird mood and not really thinking things through. I'm standing in my bedroom, trying to find something on TV for background noise while I work. My wife, I knew, had just gone outside to take laundry off of the clothesline because the sky looked dark and we'd heard rolling thunder. Then suddenly, it's like a rain cloud exploded. The house is practically rocking from the amount of rain suddenly coming down. I hear my wife yell 'HELP!' and look outside to see her frantically trying to get clothes off the line.
A few seconds later, I run downstairs holding a camera and a thin white t-shirt. That, apparently, was NOT the kind of help she had in mind. Instant tears and screaming. That's when I realized: It's PMS day.
I STILL think it's funny. It's been several hours now. She still isn't speaking to me.
Tried to help by being funny and playful at a time when my wife's cycle does not permit that sort of thing. Probably sleeping on couch.
zmaragdus: Hilarious.
My goal is to find a woman who would laugh at something like that even if it were that time of the month.
NeverGuessItWasMe: Yeah but you had better get it right before trying, or you'll be on the couch with OP
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409955079 | 1409964856 | t3_2fl7y5 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Annibal: TIFU by giving my number to a friend I used to know 25 years ago.
So after more or less 25 years I see this guy at a local bar. We start talking briefly recapping our past lifes. I'm going through a difficult and busy period and I share with him some of my current issues. He start saying that I should pray since the Lord helped him in very tough moments and He is always there for us. I'm not that much religious but I believe in something like God so I kind welcomed at that moment what he said to me. I had to rush so He ask me for my number that I gave him. The day after he wrote me a message saying that I should read Jeremiah 33:3, inviting me watching a guy on youtube that (I've looked it up) is into conspiracy theories and fight satan. He ended the message saying that I could call him even at night and saying like "I hug you in the Holy, Amen" whatever that means. I never replied to that message. Yesterday night at 1:00am while I was sleeping I've got a message from him saying "Why?? I love you!!!" and than he called me. I didn't answer and I block his number.
So I gave my number to a mentally disturbed religious fanatic.
Bye
[deleted]: My advice and this is completely immoral would be to call him and start speaking in tongues pretending that Satan is using you as a vessel and his text messages weaken the barrier between hell and earth which will eventually lead to demonic hordes destroying the land.
MSLB: OP do this
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1409955379 | 1409963112 | t3_2fl8gc | t5_2to41 | 26 | rainbowfuckedme: TIFU by wearing the wrong shirt, and learning my best friend was gay.
TIFU by wearing a Rainbow shirt.
(Throwaway for obvious reasons)
Background : I'm in a big school that takes students from 5 to 20 years old (sort of complex with multiple schools) and because of the number of people there, every student can create it's own sort of group, don't really know what they're called, and their goal is to support, like there's one against racism, one against bullying aaaaaaand one to help gays. The thing is they often organize events to show their work, and it turned out that yesterday they left notes in the school's walls because today was supposed to be some sort of "gay day" or something like this were people who are gay are told to wear a shirt with a rainbow on it or the equality logo. But I didn't noticed any of the papers telling about that event.
This morning : As always, I'm wearing metal shirts and for some reason I decided to put the Rainbow one, that had a giant rainbow in space on the front. First fuck up. Then I went to school as usual and was supposed to met my best friend (let's call him joe) at the bus stop. So I and Joe went to class, no problem, except he looked strange, like something was bothering him. At around 1 pm, after lunch time, he brought me into a room in wich there was 3 of his "friends" as he calls them. Then they left the room and he told me to sit down and he had something important to tell me. At this point I was so fucking confused I couldn't even make a clear answer. He waited for around 2 minutes and started to speak about us, how we became friends etc. At the end he said "It's not easy for me to tell you this, but I love you" And then I was even more fucking confused I stared at him for a good 5 minutes without a word, and then his "friends" got back into the room and looked at the confused me. Then I asked Joe "Wtf you talking about?" And he replied :"Don't be stupid, I knew you were gay since you left (ex gf name here)" I panicked and yelled "DUDE NO WAY I'M GAY, FUCK!". Second fuck up. And he started criyng. I didn't know where to go, so I left the room. One of his "friends" went outside with me and said "What have you done?" And I replied :"No idea, I'm straight and I don't know what made Joe think I was gay" Then the guy told me about the whole event and he told me that Joe wasn't sure if I was gay or not, so he waited and because I was wearing a rainbow shirt he thought I was really gay. Then I told the guy about the metal band Rainbow and that it was pure coincidence. He just said :"Go away" and left. I spent the rest of the day thinking about it, and the fact that Joe never told me about him being gay. I didn't talked to him since the incident and I'm now writing from my bed waiting for him to answer my texts.
Tl;Dr : Didn't know about gay event, wore raibow shirt, best friend thought I was gay and asked me out, panicked, and didn't talked to him since.
Sorry for not-perfect grammar, English isn't my native language.
foxy1167: Why does a grown man own a shirt with a rainbow on it?
TerminusEst86: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_(rock_band)
Dio, yo.
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Rainbow (rock band)**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow%20(rock%20band\)): [](#sfw)
---
>__Rainbow__ (also known as __Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow__ or __Blackmore's Rainbow__) were a British [rock](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_music) band led by guitarist [Ritchie Blackmore](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ritchie_Blackmore) from 1975 to 1984 and 1993 to 1997. They were originally established with American rock band [Elf](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elf_(band\))'s members, but Blackmore fired all the members except [Ronnie James Dio](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ronnie_James_Dio) who would leave in 1979. Three British musicians joined in 1979, singer [Graham Bonnet](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graham_Bonnet), keyboardist [Don Airey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Airey), former Deep Purple bassist [Roger Glover](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger_Glover), and this line-up gave the band their commercial breakthrough with the single "[Since You Been Gone](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Since_You_Been_Gone)". Over the years Rainbow went through many line-up changes with no two studio albums featuring the same line-up. Other lead singers [Joe Lynn Turner](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Lynn_Turner) and [Doogie White](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doogie_White) would follow, and the project consisted of numerous backing musicians. The band started out combining mystical lyric themes with [neoclassical metal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neoclassical_metal), but went in a more streamlined commercial style following Dio's departure from the group.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/Hf6BmrT.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Rainbow_27091977_02_500b.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Ritchie ^Blackmore](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ritchie_Blackmore) ^| [^Ronnie ^James ^Dio](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ronnie_James_Dio) ^| [^Joe ^Lynn ^Turner](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Lynn_Turner) ^| [^Deep ^Purple](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deep_Purple)
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+ckadww7) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+ckadww7)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1409955860 | 1409957213 | t3_2fl987 | t5_2to41 | 9 | ohgodtheitchthrowawa: TIFU by trying to shave my nether regions
Backstory: I'm an average 15 year old guy, who happens to be developing a healthy patch of hair down south. Or should I said, "who had a healthy patch of hair". I tried shaving it today. I have an electric razor I normally use for my face, and while I was sitting across from it today in the bathroom, I got the bright idea of ridding myself of this long, nasty, sweaty, pubic hair that was always in the way and making me rearrange my underwear.
BAD
FUCKING
IDEA
I got rid of all the hair. No cuts or anything (god bless electric razors). I also have an insanely irritable patch of stubble residing in my loins. It itches. It scratches. Its chafing. God help my pubescent soul. I have to photograph for a football game tomorrow morning. Its going to be 90-100 degrees out. Fuck me.
JinKazamaAndJuice: I think we all learn this lesson at some point in life. The key is to trim not buzzcut.
ohgodtheitchthrowawa: Like with scissors? Or just a different kind of razor?
JinKazamaAndJuice: Clippers with guard or scissors, chick don't like bald eagle's as much as dudes do. Just make sure your not a hairy monster and it's trimmed and most ladies will be aok with it.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1409956657 | 1410271294 | t3_2flaiu | t5_2to41 | 13 | PMinisterOfMalaysia: TIFU by wearing my hemp Toms onto a military base.
So to start things off I'm in the Air Force and I own a pair of these hemp toms that absolutely reek like weed. Anyways, I was scheduled for a dentist appointment on my day off so I wake up, shower, throw some clothes on and walk out the door. I get to the base dental clinic and one of the hygienists mentions that it smells weird in the room but I didn't think anything of it. After my cleaning is finished I go to walk out the door and there's three cops with guns and whatnot standing there waiting for me. God dammit. They take me into a little room, read me my rights, and start the interrogation. From there they proceed to search the shit out of my car and making everything really messy. They find a pair of moccasins I had in there and tell me to put them on so they can take my shoes back to she station. So I do that then they make me get inside their car and they drive me over to the base drug prevention center so I can take a piss test to prove I hadn't been smoking that devil's grass. I get there and the Staff Sergeant that has to look at my peter while I piss is my co-worker, talk about awkward. I ended up getting stage fright the first time and I made everyone wait about an hour on me to finish up with the piss. My first sergeant had to escort me back to my car and it was really embarrassing. Thanks for listening to my fuck up!
snuke_snizz: It is the flowers that contain the odoriferous oils, hemp does not.
PMinisterOfMalaysia: Are the flowers legal to have? I did a quick Google when I got home and found that there had been a few other people with the same problem.
snuke_snizz: Flowers are likely not legal in the US Armed Forces. That story was a cringe-worthy lie IMO, not sure what the point of it was.
PMinisterOfMalaysia: Cringe worthy lie? There's no point in lying on the internet. I think the point was just to vent?
snuke_snizz: Look I'm not trying to insult you but it just doesn't make any sense. As I and the other user explained, the flowers house the oil which cause that notorious smell - not hemp which are just plant fibers. Unless you stashed a pipe or some nugs in your shoes, forgot, then jammed your feet in there and waltzed onto your base there would be no suspicious smell.
PMinisterOfMalaysia: They've been that way since I bought them. If you do a quick google you'll find that other people have had the same problem.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1409957227 | 1409977477 | t3_2flbdv | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by positioning my penis wrong when taking a shit at my girlfriends house.
I was at my girlfriends house for dinner, about an hour ago. I was excused to go use the washroom, i was holding this in for about 2 hours. It had to come out. Now. So, i sat down on the toilet and began feeling the sweet release, and well. There really is no way to go about this without being graphic. My penis was positioned inbetween the toilet seat and the actual toilet- so when i started to urinate the piss literally just created a massive puddle on the floor around the toilet.
*Now, here is a semi-NSFW Illustration I drew for you on how this happened, for the ladies, or anyone who doesn't understand this common(?) occurrence: > http://i.imgur.com/3XQWmRw.jpg < *
Now, you may think ''Hey! just clean it up! no big deal!'' or, ''Pft, clean it and pretend it never happened''. This is where i fucked up, i didn't notice. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands and headed back downstairs. After i came down, her father went up to use the washroom, when all you hear is a ''What The Fuck!?'' coming from the hallway. He thought the toilet was leaking, till he realized that someone had literally pissed all over the bathroom floor.
My heart began racing. What did I do? Did i flush? Did i smear a chocolate bar all over his bathroom mirror?
when i went upstairs, i immediately knew what happened. I heard a strange noise of running water coming from the toilet, it was the urine running down the side. I glanced into the toilet when i stood up, the water was pretty much clear, it all dawned on me. I just pissed all over my girlfriends family's bathroom floor.
I of course did not admit to this, although i think he knew that it was me. We all kind of came to the conclusion that the dog must of lifted his leg and urinated on the side of the toilet and it ran almost all the way to the opposite side of the room. But not me, I knew what happened.
brandwinchang: wait why were you sitting?
ToxicSandwich: Taking a shit, read.
| 3 | 8 | |
1409956636 | 1409960563 | t3_2flahq | t5_2to41 | 3 | Drim498: TIFU (almost) by almost talking about Reddit in a job interview
**TL;DR - I almost mentioned spending a lot of time on Reddit as part of how I keep up with the latest in tech news.**
The organization I work for is dissolving at the end of the month, so I've been looking for a new job. Tuesday I sent a resume to a company we had worked with in the past via email and just said "if you know of any positions open that would fit, please let me know".
That same day, I got a reply back that they didn't have any positions open at the moment, but still wanted to sit down and talk with me about seeing where I could fit. I thought "great, they really want me to work for them, they want to find a place for me!" So I agreed to the sit-down.
Fast forward to today. I was sitting and talking with their business manager (the guy who I had worked with the most from their company) and he was just getting more info on me, my skills, background, etc. Then he asked me "how have you kept up with the changes in the tech world? Classes, self taught, etc".
This is where I almost fucked up. The first thought that popped into my mind was "Well, I spend a lot of time on reddit, which is great at keeping me in the loop on new technology."
And I got as far as "Well, I spend a lot of time" before I caught myself and remembered that I probably shouldn't admit I spend a lot of time on Reddit, and while it's true that Reddit is a great source for new tech, that's not what most employers what to hear.
I did manage to save it by changing it to "Well, I spend a lot of time online researching new technology and learning how they can be implemented within my organization."
So yeah, I didn't fuck up, but I almost did.
Jordan1303: did you stutter or was it a smooooooth save?
Drim498: I think it was smooth. I think. I paused for a second before I said online, so that might have given away that I was about to say something else, but I didn't stutter...
I'll say it was a good save, but not a smooth one.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409956326 | 1410031721 | t3_2fl9y5 | t5_2to41 | 167 | QuesoTaco: TIFU by getting blue toilet water in my asshole
Today, I bought $16 worth of Taco Bell, relishing every bite. It was the perfect food to my high. I went home, took a long sobering nap, and woke up to a rumbling in my stomach that was the fury of cheap fast food. I made my way to the bath room, lifted the lid and was graced by the bluest of toilet water, here in my own home. It was then that I knew I'd be christening this freshly cleaned bowl with some raunchy stank. I sat down and prepared for a liqiudy shit and was surprised when a good push squeezed a solid log out. I heard the plop in the water seconds before I felt the back splash. That's when I realized. I waited several long seconds before I felt the excruciating burn of bleach in my asshole, which was still flowered out in an attempt to not get it further inside me. I rinsed and cleaned as best I could, but reddit, my asshole is on fire.
tfyuhjnbgf: I picture your anus like a flower blooming, with the petals opening.
Piplup22301: What a beauftiful flower! I gotta go plant some assholes in my backyard!
6apcyk: Well... your backyard is going to smell bad, [but here you go](http://plantgasm.com/archives/5868)
Piplup22301: *sprints to nearest Home Depot*
| 5 | 33.4 | |
1409959170 | 1409992896 | t3_2flefk | t5_2to41 | 1,688 | exus666: TIFU by ripping my coworkers heart out.
Hello Reddit.
This is my first ever post so please forgive me if I am somewhat out of form.
This TIFU happened today at work. In fact I just got home and felt I needed to share it while the agony and pain is still searing.
First a little background:
So I work in an office with about 20 other people. One of my coworkers, we'll call her Sarah, and I get along particularly well. Sarah is 21 years old, about 5'5 and brunette and a very sweet girl. I think she is cute and we often chitchat in the hall. We like to flirt with each other and she's often quite touchy-feely during these exchanges. I've been totally getting the "I've got a crush on you" vibe from her which I'm certain I reciprocate. Sarah is also a bit sensitive about her weight...while she is by no means overweight, she is definitely a curvy girl (which I don't mind one bit). She often makes little comments such as "Oh I think I need to go on a diet and lose 20lbs" to which I reply with something like "Oh fuck that, I think you're gorgeous the way you are!" In fact I've been thinking of asking her out on a date sometime....but not after today.
Today had a new girl, we'll call her Allie, come in for a working interview. Sarah was charged with showing Allie around the office and introducing her to everyone. Allie is probably the same age as Sarah. She even looks like Sarah; same height, cute face, but a bit skinnier. I met Allie briefly and we exchanged pleasantries.
Now here's the level 90 FUCK UP:
I had a late lunch and was sitting in the lunch room alone with Allie who was also on a break. We were making small talk when she said something like "Oh I really like it here. I hope I get the job!" To which I replied, right as I was walking out the doorway into the hall "Oh I'm sure you'll get the job! You're like a skinnier better looking Sarah!" .....
There I stood just barely out of the door looking at Sarah standing two feet in front of me.
My heart drop kicked my stomach.
Sarah's eyes teared up and he lower lip was trembling. She looked at me like I was the most vile wretched creature to ever walk the Earth and in that moment I was exactly that.
I froze. A noxious swirl of panic, self loathing and guilt floated its way from my head into the deepest recesses of my soul. After what felt like an eternity of standing there like an idiot with my mouth half open I managed to blurt out "Oh my god Sarah I'm SO SORRY, wait please! I didn't mean it like that, Sarah wait!" By now tears were rolling down her cheeks, she turned around and walked away. I didn't have the courage to chase after her.
The rest of the day wanted so badly to throw myself at her feet and beg for forgiveness. I don't even know why I had said that terrible thing in the first place. It just came out...and Sarah is the last person on earth I would want to hurt. I decided to try to plead my case to her at the end of the day only to find out she had left early.
FUUUUUCK. I feel like the biggest douche ever and I have no idea what I'm gonna do come Monday. I've never felt so guilty in my life. I know I really hurt this sweet girl who didn't deserve any of it.
Anyways thanks for reading through that...wish me luck
TL;DR I am an insensitive prick who deserves to be kicked in the junk by a racehorse for saying stupid shit within earshot of a co-worker and really hurting her.
***UPDATE***
This all happened around 2pm, and for the last 5 hours I have not been able to think of anything except for my dickhead behavior. I couldn't take it anymore. I called Sarah... she actually picked up! I pleaded with her to let me apologize in person. I'm going to meet her at 8 at a local pub. Going out the door RIGHT NOW. gonna buy the most expensive flowers I can find and beg at her feet for forgiveness.
Will update again when I get home....if she doesn't rightly slap me to death.
*********UPDATE 2******
To all those who've been supportive with advice and condolences, thank you!
To all those calling me an asshole/idiot/douche bag. I deserve it!
I wont try to justify what I said because there is no justification. All i can offer is a little more context within the minutes leading up to my verbal diarrhea. When I was talking to Allie in the lunch room she was saying how nice Sarah was and how Sarah seemed to get along so well and be on such friendly terms with everyone at work. Allie said that she hoped she could be as well liked if she were to get hired. I'm sure you can all appreciate having put your foot in your mouth at some point in your lives. I fucked up. Dunno what else to say, except that I had a colossal fuckup and just blurted out the first thing that came to my mind which was (scroll up).
So now for what happened tonight:
I called her, she answered. I begged for a chance to apologize in person. Being an angel from heaven, she agreed to meet me at a local pub at 8pm. With some advice from friendly redditors, I rushed over to the grocers and bought some very nice flowers. Got to the pub at 7:50...had a shot of liquid courage. She walked in about 8:06. I said "first of all these are for you" and handed her the flowers. She accepted but with a sad look on her face. I really wish I could have given her those flowers under different circumstances. We sat down in a quiet corner in the pub and i started to plead.
I said "Sarah, I am so deeply sorry for what I said. It was insensitive, rude and extremely hurtful. There is no justification for what I did. All I can offer is my deepest apology and pray that one day you'll forgive me" She asked "why did you even say it in the first place?" "I dont know...i honestly dont. It just came out, I didn't run it through my filter, I'm a shitty person for even thinking it, and I completely understand if you never want to speak to me again."
The conversation continued for a while, we had a couple drinks and I think she was slowly starting to forgive me. She told me that she had liked me for a while and was hoping I was going to ask her out (my heart drop kicked my stomach again) and that's why she was so hurt by what I said. I told her that I really valued our friendship and that I had liked her too.
At no point during the conversation did i try to justify what I had said, all I offered was sincerity and remorse. We talked for a good few hours and by the end of it I think she was OK. I walked her back to her car and she even accepted a hug from me (she really is an Angel). I held her tight for what seemed like a good minute and gently rubbed her back. I asked if there was anything else I could do to make it up to her and she just replied "it's OK...thanks for owning up to it"
As she drove off I think I breathed the biggest fucking sigh of relief ever.
I still feel like a complete asshole for what happened. At least now I think I've set it right and she doesn't despise my face anymore.
Thanks for all the feedback fellow redditors!
lolretrorat: Mate you're a dickhead. Why would you say that?
exus666: yes...yes i am. a complete and utter dickhead. I dont even know why i said it i just blurted it out not thinking anyone else would hear it...
deliberatesabotage: Nah. Just grow the fuck up and learn to think before you speak. Props for making a TIFU to admit it, I think you qualify.
OnlyALawyerOnReddit: Objection, intrusive thoughts happen to everyone.
kineo: I want to say, "But don't say every thought that occurs to you." But then tomorrow I'll be the one saying TIFU after saying something really fucking stupid.
exus666: updated, i think i dodged a bullet
Kenseilon: Glad to hear that you manned up and apologized. Not everyone would have the balls to do that, so kudos to you. I hope you can go on a date with her when things have calmed down if you still feel like it.
| 8 | 211 | |
1409959415 | 1409962603 | t3_2fless | t5_2to41 | 8 | riograndekingtrude: TIFU by shaving my index finger [pics] [slightly gross]
http://imgur.com/a/tE3HZ
Today I started to clean out some moving boxes. I have put it off for nearly six months now. I dug into one that was bathroom toiletries and with little care as most of it was just dumped in by the movers. Right away I felt something cool on the tip of my index finger. Shit my finger was bleeding and a nice slice of skin was hanging by a thread. I wrapped it up in gauze and got a band aid on it.
I dumped the box out and the cause was my double edge safety razor, I had shaved my finger. I f-ed up by not taking out the blade, not packing it myself, and not being careful unpacking.
DeathAndRebirth: you dun goofed
Anonthius: I should back trace him :^ )
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409960313 | 1409981490 | t3_2flg6j | t5_2to41 | 666 | CommandoInClass: TIFU by going commando in P.E.
This is my first real TIFU, so excuse me if I say it wrong, I also linger here on my main.
It all started in the morning, I'd just woken up by my alarm, and took a shower. I got back to my room and got clothing on. To some minor annoyance, I realized all my underwear was dirty and gone. So I just shrugged it off and walked to school. Fast forward to about 5th period when my p.e. class is. We just got dressed and went outside to play our sport. About 15-20 minutes in, I'm really in the game, hyper and ready to win. I have the ball and I'm about to kick it in the goal, when the crush I have runs at me and attempts to steal the ball. Someone runs infront of her, and causes her to trip at me, pulling my shorts down at that moment. So there I am, with my shorts on the ground, the entire 32 person class staring at me. I look down, and she's directly fucking staring at it, I just give her a weird look, and pull up my shorts. I finish the game really awkwardly, we lost...
**TL;DR** Went to school without underwear, got pantsed in p.e. by crush who stared at my dick...
xwhocares3x: Did she smile or frown?
CommandoInClass: She was sort of wide-eyed about it... It happened pretty fast. So yeah.
xwhocares3x: I guess wide-eyed is better then her squinting.
CommandoInClass: Much better.
literallyicanteven: OP: "Well, it aint gonna suck itself!!"
DRUMS_: "don't just look at it--eat it."
sycodubby: American Psycho reference gets a point from me!
ReferenceMaster: Drives me nuts when people misquote things. Especially when it's a favorite of mine.
| 9 | 74 | |
1409961452 | 1409970154 | t3_2flhuu | t5_2to41 | 3 | Edthebig: TIFU by going out with a girl that saw my penis hanging from my shorts.
DeathAndRebirth: shoulda gave her [a buck fiddy](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=buck-fifty%20(also%20buck-fiddy)
autourbanbot: *Here's the Urban Dictionary definition of* [***buck-fifty (also buck-fiddy)***](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=buck-fifty%20(also%20buck-fiddy)) :
---
>1. n. a wound produced by sudden violent contact.
>2. n. a wound that requires one hundred and fifty stitches.
---
_"If she keeps talking shit I'm gonna give her a buck-fifty to her eye."_
---
[^(about)](http://www.reddit.com/r/autourbanbot/wiki/index) ^| [^(flag for glitch)](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/autourbanbot&subject=bot%20glitch&message=%0Acontext:http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2flhuu/tifu_by_going_out_with_a_girl_that_saw_my_penis/ckadd8p) ^| ^(**Summon**: urbanbot, what is something?)
sidarian: So that means she gave him the "buck fifty" instead?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409961776 | 1409996956 | t3_2flic6 | t5_2to41 | 18 | nailartthrowaway: TIFU by making my womb festive
I like nail art. It's like having a little picture that you can look at whenever you want! I know that there are some "professional" methods, but I really just like to draw on/stick stuff to my nails and see what happens.
Today, I had a day off of work, so I painted my nails pink and decided that they needed some excitement. I'd used most of my nail supplies aready, so I was looking around my house for something new. I found a tiny bottle of sprinkles that I'd bought for my friend's birthday. The sprinkles look like tiny, sugary confetti, and they don't really dissolve, so I sprinkled some onto my nails and covered it with topcoat. It looked great.
Later, I had completely forgotten about my new nail art and decided to have a wank. I finished and got up to wash my hands, but as I was turning on the water I realized something: THE CONFETTI WAS GONE. I'm freaking out, TIFU. There is *edible confetti* in my *vagina*. I tried googling "debris in vagina," but no luck. *Damn.*
TheGwolo: rubble in vagina
baozichi: http://i.imgur.com/Y0KbD6X.gif
| 3 | 6 | |
1409961173 | 1409971487 | t3_2flhg8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to get a woman i trust to give me sex toy pointers for use on my girlfriend...she came home and caught us together. NOTHING HAPPENED
(i traveled cross country with this woman for three months, and there is NOTHING sexual between us...we just dont hold back, and i have always enjoyed her perspective on things)
so i ran into a woman ive known for about five years , havent seen her in at least three. We get to talking, i tell her about our toy collection, and ask if she would be willing to LOOK at them, and give me some suggestions on how to make things better in our kinky little bedroom.
I thought my gf would be home in 4 hours, i was trying to "sneak " her in and out of the house again, as i doubt roomies would understand. This is not a woman i would ever have sex with.
Less than five minutes had passed and (as i was just getting home from work, )started getting things together to take a shower. i locked the door to the bedroom just out of concern for getting caught. (not thinking my gf would be knocking on the door in less than 3 minutes.) she knocks, im half naked, and theres a collection of vibrators, inflatable plugs, and assorted things layed out on the bed.....
needless to say i was very vehemently demanded an explanation of, which when i tried to tell her, she just got more pissed off, accusing me of being on drugs, fucking around on her, etc.....i just left to take my friend home, and got a mean ass message from the gf. At that point i just give up, and say"Fuck it ,I'm sleeping in my van tonight"....two police wakeups, followed by sobriety tests and a barrage of embarrasing questions later, i just drove to work and slept in my van next to the dumpster.
Now im home again, waiting for her to get home so we can"talk"''
I love this woman, however, there is a limit to what i will accept as "punishment" for this sort of thing.
looks like I'll be packing.
What a great way to live.....
GoodGuyGuard: You misspelled ex-girlfriend
Kobe509: You misspelled ex-girlfriend
GoodGuyGuard: Lol curse you tiny screen
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1409962687 | 1409967341 | t3_2fljnl | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunk dialing my boss
So I have been drinking pretty hard in the last few months because I have been sinking in debt and wasn't handling it very well. I have been at my current job for over 2 years and have never been given a raise. It's very low paying, so all of my savings and credit have completely depleted over that period of time. I have also given up my car, and had to move apartments as i could no longer afford the rent. I generally have a really good attitude and work hard, but the last year or so, I have been slowly declining and making it more and more obvious that they need to raise my income, or find another employee. I really like working there and everyone I work with, which is why I've held out so long.
Well last night, I had a few too many and blacked out. When I went to work today, my friend told me that I had drunk dialed the boss last night, yelled and swore at him, and was just generally...not very nice. I have no recollection of this and my boss never brought it up to me. I assumes he knows I don't remember either. Also, I get a raise on Monday.
Piplup22301: Op, you have to assert your dominance. Bring alcohol to work everyday, stash it around your place of work, and piss all over his stuff, especially his wife and wig. Remember, while pissing all over his stuff, keep constant eye contact, to show your alpha status. If anything goes wrong, pin him by the scruff of his neck, and growl loudly while pouring alcohol over him. Remember to keep eye contact.
ToastnEggs: We actually have alcohol at work..everywhere. Every section of the office has a beer fridge. Also, I actually like my boss so I was surprised when I learned I verbally melted his face off
Piplup22301: Well that's to bad. :/ Maybe piss in the beer fridge?
| 4 | 5 | |
1409962678 | 1410155702 | t3_2fljmz | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU Swag walk
I was at the bar last week and hung out with a few buddies i knew and some new people. We were outside the bar just hanging out just talking. This new person i met offer me a cigarette for a smoke out. So I took the offer and we were just hanging out having a weed sesh outside the bar. Later that night I was just hanging out inside the bar having a beer when all the sudden music came on the juke box. And as soon as the music started the guy from earlier that offer me a cigarette walked in...and he was doing a swag walk. Before I had time to think i said "HAHA! your walking funny!" thinking that he was just joking around and doing a swag walk to the music. But he gave me the most bone chilling stare and walk past me...continuing with the swag walk......to find out he was a survivor of an automotive accident and was a quadrapledric. So I'm going to hell.
lord_sherlock_holmes: quadriplegics can't walk or move their arms. hence the "quad"...paraplegics can use their hands but can't use their legs
chipper90: That's what my buddies told me what he had.So I'm not to sure what it was exactly. but i was told that when he had the accident, he was told he would never walk again. Now he's able to walk just not able to walk like someone would normally.
Anyway, in the end i ended up smoking him out more with weed. I didn't point out my mistake because we were around people. But im sure he got the hint that was my way of saying sorry.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409964141 | 1409993118 | t3_2fllrr | t5_2to41 | 7 | TheKrazyR: TIFU by getting a text
GattsUnfinished: Shame on you. He really, really thought you were a wizard.
No doubt he looked disappointed.
TheKrazyR: Hahahaa. Too right! I wish i was a wizard.
Teotwawki69: You have to know how to spell it before you can become one.
TheKrazyR: Well, hopefully Hogwarts teaches English then!
Teotwawki69: Nope. You'll have to go to the wizarding school in Romania...
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1409964737 | 1409975008 | t3_2flmnj | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by blowing my nose before speech
I'm currently a senior in high school. Every year in the beginning of school, we have an assembly for the new students. I'm a good student, always involved in extra curricular activities so the principal actually had a talk with me and asked me if I can give an encouraging speech to the freshmen (give advice, a sense of "nationalism" to the school).
On the day of the speech, it was a cold day. My nose is a waterfall. 5 minutes before they call me up, I blow my nose with a tissue paper. I walk up the stage and hear a bit laughter (didn't think of it much at the moment.) After giving a 10 minute speech, I scratch my nose and realize there was a huge ass booger sticking out of my nose. No wonder the teachers avoided eye contact with me...
Piplup22301: You've got to assert your dominance op. Sneeze all over people's stuff. Volunteer to pass out paper, and-while using a carefully stashed away jar of your boogers- smear boogers all over people's papers. Make sure to maintain constant eye contact, this is important, as it shows you're alpha. When people eventually start to respect you as alpha, you have to mark your territory by pissing on the superintendent consistently for at LEAST 180 days, maintaining eye contact with her/him. They will bow down, op, they will.
pakman17: I see a common thread in you posts. Eye contact and a sense of encouragement to an OP. Keep up the good work Piplup.
Piplup22301: Thank you very much, kind sir.
| 4 | 5 | |
1409966830 | 1410016018 | t3_2flpma | t5_2to41 | 3 | Drfool: TIFU by going on a blind date...
So this actually happened yesterday, which is rare for a TIFU I know, but none the less it was kind of a shocking story...
So I have been chatting, texting, snapchatting with this girl, let's call her E, for the past few weeks. She is a friend of a friend, and a regular at one of the bar's I frequent so I really didn't think much of it. These things happen, albeit not to me since I have made a rule too not go home with bar girls.
Anyway, E and I decide that things are going pretty well, and agree to go on an official date. I pick her up (very far out of my way) and bring her back to a bar I frequent, as she is not a citizen of the country and has 'lost her passport' in a larger near-by city. Everything goes great, the owner of the bar agrees to give her a job, and my life seems to be on easy street. We get back to her place, she introduces me to her father who seems to like me and gives me consent to spend the night with his daughter (I thought this was wierd, but it's also important.)
So we spend from about 3am - 6am fooling around and getting absolutely nasty. Eventually its time to sleep, and she drops the bomb. ALTHOUGH she had told me she was 25, and certainly looked and acted the part, she was in fact only 16... which is why she introduced me to her father for consent.. I'm 30. i didnt panic, and still spent the night in her bed, but come the next day i am left speechless, unsure of how to continue this 'relationship.'
tldr: i brough a minor too a bar i frequent, got her drunk, than proceeded to sleep with her with her fathers consent. fml
deadlee_: not a fuck up in my book. I call this a major score.
DicevsMice: A 30 year old sleeping with a 16 year old, even if legal there isn't a country in the world that that isn't creepy if planned or a fuck up if unplanned.
deadlee_: creepy to you. not to them obviously. get off your high horse, white knight.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409966529 | 1409967477 | t3_2flp7k | t5_2to41 | 18 | alissaeileennn: TIFU by letting my dog hump me and now he has blue balls.
My boyfriend and I recently adopted a puppy who is about 8-9 months and isn't neutered. So naturally this dog is going to hump everything in front of him. Well the past week he's been trying to hump me and it's just like humping the air so I thought whatever I'll just push him away. He's a very persistent fucker. Since he was just air humping and his little red rocket wasn't showing, I decided to just let him go and tire himself out, right? So this little shit is humping away, my boyfriend and I are laughing, he's taking a video, blah blah blah. Eventually I push him off cause he's destroying my arm from biting it. Mind you, this was for about a minute or two. It's not like I just let my dog hump me forever.
Well afterwards we look down and see little tiny dime size wet spots on the blanket... And more... And more... Until there's this huge fucking spot of DOG. SEMEN.
Now this asshole keeps walking up to me and licking my arm. My dog is trying to initiate sex with me because I cut him off mid-cum.
TLDR: My dogs been humping a lot, let him hump me for a minute, pushed dog off mid cum and he keeps trying to fuck again.
Edit: I guess I should mention it wasn't a continuous hump for the whole minute I PROMISE IM NOT DISGUSTING
insighted: Get the dog neutered.
cholby3: And when you're done neuter yourself.
| 3 | 6 | |
1409968213 | 1409969459 | t3_2flrik | t5_2to41 | 11 | demoniccircle: TIFU by sneezing while peeing
sophicyogastudent: hahaha did you really need a TL;DR?
TL;DR: was TL;DR necessary?
Powermant: Tl;dr: unnecessary tl;dr
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1409969422 | 1410366904 | t3_2flt70 | t5_2to41 | 3 | thebigswole: TIFU by painting myself with house paint
Long story short my favorite team had a football game tonight and in the spur of the moment combined with alcohol I ended up painting my entire chest with house paint instead of some kind of designed for human use body paint. Behr to be exact. The paint dried and cracked and was actually suprisingly easy to get off, I would say I had the paint on for 3 hours or so. How bad did I fuck up/how much toxic stuff did I absorb?
scratch_043: Most likely latex paint.
I'm pretty sure you'll be fine.
Note, I am not a toxicologist.
scratchy_mcballsy: IANAT
| 3 | 1 | |
1409970327 | 1409973445 | t3_2flt5a | t5_2to41 | 7 | tybacore: Some hate being around people but also don't like loneliness. It's a quirk of humanity and I've never been able to get a solid answer as to why it is or how to solve it.
iwishiknewme: it doesn't make any sense, I just want to love and be loved. Whatever happened to that? Now people need everything to themselves, space, time, money and love but we forget that all of those things can be attained quite easily other than love. Love is conditional and can't allow you to be too selfish because when you are you lose out on the greatest thing the world has to offer.
tybacore: Do you love yourself? It's kind of a cliche to say love yourself first but it is an absolute must.
iwishiknewme: I can't love myself right now... I feel like I'm losing everything. I made the mistake of dating my best friend and i needed my best friend now I have no where to turn to because I feel like I'm pushing him away with my feelings...
tybacore: That's the risk you take when you "date" your friends. It can ruin everything. Personally, I don't like to label things anymore. Even if I'm "dating" someone I just consider us good friends. I would never marry. I prefer just good friends over ruining relationships with labels.
iwishiknewme: It kills me to have used words like love with him knowing now they can never be taken back. I just want my best friend. I just wanted to fall in love with my best friend. My fucking everything..................
tybacore: Take some time to find yourself. Do things you like to do. This will all be resolved if you put some distance between you and the situation. It always hurts worst right away. It gets better with time.
| 7 | 1 | |
1409967271 | 1409997889 | t3_2flq7s | t5_2to41 | 10 | LittleHummingbirdy: TIFU by getting flustered and putting my foot in my mouth.
I'm a hairstylist, and I've never noticed that when I enter what style/haircut I give someone, apparently I say "we did a nice___" (whatever it may be).
Anyways, I was cutting this guys hair that was about my age. He had come in with his girlfriend and we just chatted about them and me and my boyfriend. Definitely no flirting. lol.
Anyway, I take him up to the reception desk and start typing my notes into the computer. I said "and today we did a nice fingerbang". I meant Finger LENGTH bang. I caught it as soon as I said it, but my receptionist didn't. She just kept repeating "finger bang.... Finger.. bang" despite my quiet plea to stop. Finally, I guess she actually realized what I said, and burst into uncontrollable laughter.. I don't even know how many shades of red I went. Didn't help that his girlfriend was glaring at me.
It was incredibly embarrassing but I can laugh about it now.
MonarchGod: Just wondering what your schedule is like tomorrow for a haircut? I'll take what this guy had.
space_hulk: I think I need a haircut too. Same thing with what's he's ^ having please.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409969537 | 1409972094 | t3_2fltcn | t5_2to41 | 3 | WisconsinBBO: TIFU because I used spray foam to fix a few cracks.
I'm on my way to bear hunt with my 5 year old daughter. We are headed to a big enclosed shooting house, complete with stairs, Marvin windows, cedar siding, and a shingled roof. I have only had a small bear coming in to the bait, so I had no intentions of killing a bear tonight, this was supposed to be an opportunity for my daughter to see a bear in the wild. Well, I baited the bears earlier in the day and spray foamed the window cracks in the shack and around the door. I carried in my gun and camera gear and left it all in the shack earlier, too. Later in the day, my 5 year old daughter and I arrived to hunt. As we are walking to the shack we see a big bear in bait. We both hurry up stairs and go to open door...can't open it. Glued shut. Gun in shack.
Erzs-bet: well... what happened next?
WisconsinBBO: I pulled the handle off the door. Bear left. My daughter and I both left to grab a pry bar. We arrived back at 7, got the door open, still managed to see a decent sized bear before dark. I'll try again tomorrow.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409971437 | 1409982639 | t3_2flvqb | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my friend know my throwaway gay username
So I was on reddit mobile at school with a good mate (in a circle of friends) and he suggested a funny comment to write on a post. Okay, not that bad, just posted it from whatever account I was on. He then goes "okay i'll find it and upvote it so you can get to the top :D".
Well at that point I realised I posted from a user name I've posted to a whole bunch of porn related gay subreddits. including pictures of myself.... yep. So in a rush to stop him from looking for my comment amongst this post which had maybe 20ish comments, I quickly show him another post. do the fakest fucking laugh possible. "HA HA HA bro CHecK this Cat OUT its on the BOAT LOLOL ha HAHAHA"
honestly, it was that bad.
but he falls for it.. or so I thought.. he continues browsing the comments and sees my comment. My username. He sees the username "ilovesissycock" (not my exact username but v close) and clicks it.
We were sitting in a group of about 5 people at the time all loosely in conversation with each other. I swear to god you could just see his face the moment he realises who I am inside. Who I've been this whole time. Laughing about cats and boats when really I've posted pictures of myself deepthroating dildos, taking it in the ass, wearing panties and heels, photo of my FACE with CUM on it.
He looked up at me, nervously laughed and joined back into the conversation; we were talking about cards against humanity.
My day continued as normal. As if nothing ever happened. I know he won't tell anyone.. but the mere fact that he knows EVERYTHING -- it's so uncomfortable.
Still haven't talked to him about it.
Reddit, I fucked up.
TIFU: Letting my friend see my username, and all the weird fucking things I posted with it.
Landredr: I'd apologize to him in any case. Nobody really did anything that needs apology but apologizing even when it's not your fault helps smooth things over. He'll be heavily tempted to respond positively to an apology. Then you guys can just laugh about it and he can feel special knowing he's the only one who knows this about you.
[deleted]: And then maybe you can have his cum on your face!
Landredr: That's in the off chance that this is one of those cool friends who will basically do anything. Lets keep things in baby steps before we try to get OP's hopes up.
WEIRD_ASS_NAMES: Haha yeah babies tend to like cum on their face
Landredr: yo who doesn't
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1409972410 | 1409987048 | t3_2flx0r | t5_2to41 | 25 | throwawayaccount156: TIFU by snapchatting my crush
So this night I had a major fuck up. I have pretty close friends where snapchatting each other while shitting is no big deal. I decide to be funny and snapchat my friend a picture that was obvious I was pooping with the caption "when the shit big and ur butthole small" and sent it to who I thought was my friend. Nope. I was talking to my crush at the same time so she was the most recent and I thought it was my friend. So I hit send and see it sent to her instead. At this point I'm freaking the fuck out.
I send a bunch of other snapchats in order to cover it up thinking she wouldn't see it, and decided fuck it she'll see it anyway. So I'm sending tons of snaps profusely apologizing asking her to ignore and and she sends a message back.
The moment of truth.
I open it up and by some fucking miracle she thought it was hilarious and had a really good attitude about it. I'm still super nervous about it and reluctant to talk to her in person again.
MonarchGod: You have a great opportunity to Alpha this. Go over to her house, kick her door in and grab her by the hand forcefully into the bathroom where you immediately drop your pants and underwear together, take the throne and shit like you've never shit before. Look her dead in the eyes and proclaim "This kinda shit happens".
EnigmaticAmarok: Then sex?
lnrstnr: No.
A fifty piece McNuggets.
Direlynx: And then sex.
| 5 | 5 | |
1409973248 | 1410036738 | t3_2fly4n | t5_2to41 | 136 | welp-: TIFU by learning Tagalog to surprise my in-laws but not telling them about it.
So recently I got married. My wife is Filipino and I'm White.
I thought it would be really cool if maybe I could learn more about Filipino culture and maybe even learn to speak a dialect or two.
So I did. I took night classes for 2-3 months until I felt I got it down pretty well and it's turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.
What a fucking waste of time.
Anyway this past week we've been staying at our in-laws house because our house is being fumigated and I haven't exactly told anyone that I've learned to speak Tagalog yet (except for my wife of course).
My father in-law was on the phone and I couldn't help but listen in with my newly acquired skill. I know I shouldn't have but I did anyway. I was mainly hoping he would say something he needed help with that way I could help him out somehow.
For about 30 minutes he was on the phone and he pretty much spent the entire time talking shit about me. Things like "I'm useless" and "I wish my daughter never married him". He called me rude and inconsiderate and said that he absolutely hated the wedding and my family and resents his daughter even more than before.
Fast forward to later in the day my wife ends up telling them that I've been taking a few night classes to learn their language for the past few months and he gets up and leaves the room.
He knows I overheard him talking on the phone. I know he knows. Not only do I feel like a sack of worthless shit, but now I feel like I'll never be able to get close to them.
I never knew my parents growing up. I've never met my father and my mother past away a few months after I was born. My older sister raised me pretty much. So for me I was really excited to have an actual family. I want my kids to have what I never did and now it all just seems so..... unrealistic.
Naturally I don't necessarily know how to handle this. I don't know why he thinks I'm useless. I'm self-employed and doing really well. Enough so that our house is already payed off at least. Money isn't an issue. I coach high school football in the fall after work with my friends. My wife is happy and I was up until this past day.
I know that all of this doesn't sound that bad and that a lot of other people have problems far worse, but I feel pretty sick to my stomach thinking about it. Time to just man the fuck up and deal with it I guess.
BobaFetus: This is unusual. Filipinos *Love* white people, but they are a little...judgemetal. They like to know what kind of people their family is associated with and when they start talking shit, take that as a cue to start showing off your success. Also this is not your fuck-up. Next time you visit, bring a kareoke set. Trust me.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: This story seems like bullshit. He claims to have learned a language in 2 months of takung night classes.
Alexander_Maius: I earned to understand English is 3 month. Whats your point?
Learning to understand is fairly simple. Learning to articulate speech on the other hand.... takes longer.
Banker928: Right... It took you 50% longer... Also judging by your user name, you weren't a native Asian language speaker learning English..... It is much harder for a western language speaker to learn an Asian language (or vice versa) then it is for a western language speaker to learn another western language.
[deleted]: If you get enough practice it is fairly easy to understand a new language. I learned English by listening for a week but I was in school most of my days and I only heard English so it wasn't that hard. I would say it took me longer to actually start speaking.
Banker928: What's your native language?
[deleted]: Tagalog
| 8 | 17 | |
1409974415 | 1409975254 | t3_2flzlp | t5_2to41 | 20 | CuddlyMango: TIFU by swallowing when I should've spat
This actually happened about 2 years ago.
It was a school morning and I woke up late. About 30 minutes late. With my mouth open and drool on my pillow. Yeah, not a great start to my morning. So I went to the washroom to quickly shower and get ready, and in my hurry, I forgot to brush my teeth, out of all things. I only realized this when I got in the car. I thought it was not a huge deal since I had gum and gum would suffice for one day.
I quickly ran my tongue over my teeth, trying to see how dirty my teeth were when I felt it. There was a thing in my mouth. A thing that felt like it had long appendages connected to another thing, the entire thing was about the size of a nickel. I thought about spitting it out but I really didn't want to know what was in my mouth so I swallowed it. About 5 seconds later, I regretted it.
TL;DR: I think I swallowed a spider.
smasters908: You... swallow foreign objects?
CuddlyMango: apparently yes
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1409975038 | 1409979029 | t3_2fm0di | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my girlfriend or whatever that I didn't like the way she was treating me last night.
God fucking dammnit this is fuckin' fucked. She told me a week ago that if my relationship with her causes me so much distress maybe I should consider what it is worth. Last night she was being extremely flippant and sarcastic with me and said some hurtful things right before. I said that I didn't want to be treated that way and that following her would be like saying that was okay so I slept in my room. Now I'm worried she is going to say that again that its causing me too much distress. I don't want to lose her and she isn't responding to my texts anymore and I think I really fucked up. I want to marry this girl how could I ever pass up the opportunity to sleep beside her I'm so FUCKING stupid.
Edit: edit
RunAMuckGirl: People have to have a standard of decency about how they are going to treat each other in a relationship, no matter how angry or upset they are feeling at the moment. That level of self control takes time to develop and mature. If that's not there the spirit in the person being disrespected fails to thrive. Relationships should build us up, not tear us down. The human spirit can be broken and defeated. If you are being treated poorly, and it sounds like you are, it's not good for you in the long run. Today you are hurting and grieving because you have been deeply intimate with this person. That's normal and you will get through it. You deserve to be treated with kindness. There really are other options for a partner for you. Let this one go. (((Hugz))) I'm sorry you are going through this.
Queentoad1: Very thoughtful and right on comment. OP should let this one go. This girl sounds abusive and he should steer clear and find someone more worthy.
RunAMuckGirl: Thank you. Yes, she does sound abusive, sadly to say.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1409975316 | 1409978066 | t3_2fm0q5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating Habanero Tabasco Sauce
Now let me just let ya'll know that I like to eat spicy stuff (mostly Frank's Red Hot Sauce). I would usually get used to the heat, and I started to move on to eating Tabasco Hot Sauce.
So last night, I had chicken nuggets with habanero flavored Tabasco Sauce; it was my second time trying the sauce. The first time wasn't too hot, as it tastes a bit like the original flavor and ketchup mixed together. So the second time I had it, my mouth was like literally up in flames, as my gums felt like they were being dissolved and my nose started to get runny.
This morning, I wake up with an incredible amount of sickness in my stomach. I go straight to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and behold - **IT BURNED SO FUCKING BAD!!!** It felt like my intestines were being yanked out, and my shit pretty much looked like there was blood in it. Took me like 5 to 10 minutes to wipe my 3rd degree burning ass while trying to hold back my tears. Of course, 15 minutes later, I go back to the bathroom because my stomach still hurt, dropped a few more burning feces, and this time, there was a little bit of blood while wiping. Again, I almost cried like a little bitch.
By the way, I had a Pepsi with the nuggets, which might have escalated the heat in my mouth. So next time, I'll make sure I have the biggest cup of either ice-cold water or (chocolate) milk with my nuggets and sauce.
wujoh1: sounds like you're allergic to it
[deleted]: I don't think you read the second paragraph right.
Edit: When you eat stuff that are too spicy, they can upset your stomach, as there are some different mixtures of spicy ingredients.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409976207 | 1409978207 | t3_2fm1u5 | t5_2to41 | 37 | SMASH917: TIFU by helping a drunk get home
So tonight I was on a train and a young guy got really sick from drinking. Most people moved away but I've been there so I wanted to help and make sure this kid got home safe. Unfortunate this kid's destination was a train stop past mine. Soooooo I had to get a taxi back to my train stop and I accidentally left my backpack (that luckily had not much in it) on the train. I'm proud of what I've done and I wish the best for this kid.
Queentoad1: Sorry you lost your backpack. But this doesn't sound like a fuckup. More like a deposit in the karma bank. You're a good guy.
GenieWang69: Totally agree. Way to help out someone in need! The world would be a better place if more people performed admirable acts like this. I'm proud of you too.
Queentoad1: Oh, you...
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1409976964 | 1409978204 | t3_2fm2rx | t5_2to41 | 2 | Foolishdogs: TIFU by forgetting I was in a League of Legends game.
I feel so bad haha... The game started, and during the load screen I went and got some water. Ended up talking with family, and forgot about the game. Came back twenty minutes later and face palmed.
Oh well if I get banned I deserve it. Sure showed that teammate who was threatening to feed, and was just being a general dick. Sucks for the other three people who werent dicks though... Im sorry Im a moron!
Raiden_Gekkou: AFK Varus?
Foolishdogs: No I was a Trundle jungle. Name summoner name as my Reddit name.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409976261 | 1410029459 | t3_2fm1w7 | t5_2to41 | 184 | DreamTherapy: TIFU by walking in on my mom's naked friend (PART 2)
Part 1 Here: http://redd.it/2f25qb
This is still a fuck up on my part, however I do not consider it as bad as the one in part one
So fast forward roughly a year or more into the future of part 1. I was out with some friends at a movie (I believe it was the Dark Knight Rises) and I came home afterwards. When I came to the house I could see two unfamiliar cars in our driveway. I walked in and see Mom in the living room with two friends (lets call one Jen, and if you have read my first post you can guess who the other friend was, Patty.
Now, I haven't been in the same room as Patty since the first incident, as mom doesn't usually have friends over, so I'm basically holding back a black stink from soiling my underwear due to the fact that I was not expecting to see her, even though I saw the two cars out front.
I awkwardly say hello, trying not to make eye contact with Patty even though I can sense her eyes staring at me. Like I said in my previous post, Patty is a really attractive MILF. Jen is also attractive but she doesn't rise my empire like Patty does. Mom cracks a stupid mom to son joke, and this is when I notice all three of them are plastered, wine in hand and all.
I then leave the room and do my own thing for a while. Fast forward a few hours and its around 12:00 PM, and Mom tells me she's going to bed. Jen follows her up the stairs and goes into the spare room. I swiftly notice Patty say she will be up in a bit, she wants to call her husband, telling them she's staying the night because she's drunk as all fuck.... she never called her husband.... I was in the other room listening.... she waited about 20 minutes before coming into the room I was in.... which was the kitchen/dining room.... where she preceded to sit down at the table where I was on my laptop.
She looks at me and asks how my night was, and I say it was fine. She looks down at her phone and back up at me and again remember she is drunk, otherwise I doubt this would have happened, she says to me "remember when you were watching me sleep last year". My heart racing I say "ya, sorry about that, I was trying to get my-" she interrupted me by saying "its fine, you don't need to make up excuses, we have known each other forever, however I have a request". I say "ok, what is it?" Now, you can choose to believe this next part or not, I couldn't believe it that night when it repeated in my mind over and over again, and again remember, she's completely drunk out of her mind. She says "I think its only fair I see you naked".
I am astonished at this point, as what I expected would happen in the following hour is things I have watched countless times on pornhub. Now while I was shocked, I was also horny and I have wanted to slip her the rod of legends for a very.. very long time. So I obliged, my heart was racing, and as I was sliding my boxers down she says "woah what the fuck are you doing?" "I am doing what you asked" She laughs and says she was kidding and cracks a stupid joke. I'm embarrassed. She says she thinks I am cute and winks at me and kisses me on the cheek and says good night and goes to bed. I then release a load of unborn possibilities and go to bed embarrassed and disappointed.
TL;DR Patty played a mean trick on me :( and she nearly saw kernel foreskin.
MrFann: I think you meant Colonel Foreskin, but goddamn if "kernel foreskin" didn't make me laugh out loud...
BlueBerry-Nectar: Patty should have stood to attention when the colonel made an appearance.
kingeryck: I think op was the one at attention
| 4 | 46 | |
1409979962 | 1409990385 | t3_2fm66r | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting cancer
MonarchGod: I'm going to get a lot of negatives for this but I've got to say it. You kinda seem like a prick from what I read here. I hate you got cancer and all but I think that maybe you should stop and think that the world doesn't revolve around you even if you're diagnosed with cancer. Focus on being well....less of a prick.
S0LDIER-X: Actually sounds like someone who's breaking down and needs help to me, also, I'm new to reddit and I'm not exactly sure on how to upvote things. is it the up arrow next to your name??
Edit- By needs help, I mean someone caring and lots of hugs.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409980755 | 1409985286 | t3_2fm733 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my ex-gf too many questions and separately derped hard in front of my family, but as I was opening my laptop to post this I had an epiphany regarding a headcannon philosophy. I'm at a [6] and falling. NSFW?
^(let's call her)Monique and I have been officially exes for two years, ex-fwb's for a little over one. We've remained friends despite some rough patches, and for the last month or so (since she broke up with Jose^(let's call him)) we've been hanging out every weekend.
Today I was on the phone with Monique, making plans for an event tomorrow. I asked if she wanted to meet in person, and she said no because she was tired now and had plans later "at midnight."
Here's Derp #1: I only think, "that's a weird a time to make plans," so I ask "What 'midnight' plans?"
"Plans with Jose." ...great, so now I know they're having sex tonight, and things might be awkward with her later.
This was kinda bumming me out, so I called my cousin to smoke me out (I'm staying at my mom's because of the event, though I live kind of close by). After smoking[8], on the way out, I'm chatting with my aunt.
We're talking about apartment hunting, and I mention an area my mother said always had roaches. My aunt starts laying on the roach talk thick, talking about some places she's lived with lots of roaches and how her current house never had any. And I've started to catch on to Derp #2. When she turned and giggled at my uncle after a particular roach description, I was sure.
My mom didn't used to be racist. It's only been since she dated a black cop who turned out to be married and dating four other women.
edit: **tl;dr** Learned my ex-girlfriend was having sex with a more recent ex-boyfriend of hers, and didn't realize my mom was being racist and mentioned it to other family.
[deleted]: What the fuck are you talking about?
larticzone: Yeah, I'm confused too.
[deleted]: Added a tl;dr.
edit: which I now[3] realize probably won't help explain missing details. Ask questions where clarification is needed.
S0LDIER-X: So, your ex said she had plans to fuck her ex, and your mom was talkin about roaches (black people) right?
[deleted]: yeah
S0LDIER-X: First time i've ever heard the terms roaches describing black people.
[deleted]: Me too, but the way my aunt was talking made it seem like it was obvious to them. They did grow up in the area.
edit: Now that I think about it, maybe they're Mexicans. This is Texas.
| 8 | 1.5 | |
1409980215 | 1410021135 | t3_2fm6h7 | t5_2to41 | 21 | rpnewton: TIFU by watching porn at the airport
My computer has this annoying habit. In the event the laptop is closed while a video is playing, upon opening once again, the same video will play for a few seconds regardless of keyboard actions. This was particularly annoying last Wednesday. I was sitting in front of Gate 2B at the airport with my parents, and the other people flying to New York City. This was particularly problematic because the previous night I had watched a graphic pornographic video. Hardcore stuff.
I looked around. It was close to boarding time, some of the more impatient flyers had already formed a line, eager to sit on the plane. In front of me was a large man and his children were playing tag around me. My mother had a glass of wine and played words with friends, my father was on his phone. He held his iPhone in his right hand, jamming his left index finger into the screen so hard his fingertip was white. It reminded me of my grandmother: she had this theory with cell phones. She assumed that the farther away two phones were from each other, the louder you had to scream into the receiver. But I digress, back to the airport issue.
I wanted new music for my ipod, and the plane ride was long. The company of my favorite artists trumps hearing Jabba the Hut snore and the babies crying about how much their ears hurt. My dilemma: open the computer, risking embarrassment in front of my parents, several children, several old couples, and a bunch of people I never met in my life, or go musicless throughout the flight. I needed my music, so I formulated a plan. Open > Mute > Apple Q > Apple Q > Apple Q!
I put on my best “I–know–this–is–annoying–for–you–but–I–don’t–care–I’m–doing–it– anyway” face. If this is not imaginable, think of the asshole who cut you off in his Prius and looked at you with that DGAF face. My bad, bro. I silently prayed to the porn god for it to be “softcore,” just a girl touching herself, or some righteous P in V adult entertainment. But, apparently I had no porn-karma. I opened my computer and I find myself looking at a orgy gang-bang. Legs and arms are everywhere, skin slapping and moaning coming from the speakers. I manage to mute quickly, but not quickly enough. One of the girls moaned out a long, loud, “OHHH FUCK ME!!!” I squinted and scrunched my face, like when your friend sounds awkwardly terrible at karaoke or when you watch a nasty leg break on Youtube.
As I mashed “command-Q” I found myself staring at this orgy in anger, resentment, embarrassment and a little humor, because it went from bad to worse. The epitome of evil, of frustration, and in the name of all that is unholy, the spinning rainbow wheel of death spun in between tits flopping about and cocks ramming away. Malevolent, horrible, contemptible spinning wheel, oh how I loathe thee! Why must you come now*, at the worse possible time? Finally after what seems like an eternity the window closes and I stare at my homescreen, heart racing. Unfortunately my wallpaper is of a half naked woman. But hey, baby steps.
The entire section of the terminal got quiet, and everyone looked in my direction, at my pained face. Suddenly the little girl who had been playing tag with her brothers, ran to her hulking father, screaming: “Daddy!”
The Hulk stood up, staring directly at me. He slowly walks towards me. I was prepared to be strangled right there right outside gate 2B, never to make it to New York City. The Hulk was going to wring my neck like I was daffy fucking duck.
Suddenly my mother, sitting right next to me, cracks up. She laughs and laughs and laughs so hard the wine starts coming out of her nose. She tries to cover it up but it just spills through her fingers and down her chin. Next my father starts to bellow, a deep, harmonic cackle. Next I manage a grin. Then a smile, which turns into a giggle, and now I find myself bent over laughing as well. Everyone else chimes in too, and the entire terminal is having quite the guffaw. Even the children are laughing, either at me or simply because everyone else is. The Hulk manages a giggle though he tries to fight it back through his teeth, and looks contemptuously at me and shakes his head before returning to his seat.
Laughter is truly the best medicine.
* Here my mind goes yet again to the gutter, and I silently thank the very porn-gods I cursed that at least the men of the video weren’t doing their own version of coming now.
steezyvape: Hey bro, do apple computers not switch automatically to headphones when you plug them in? When I plug in headphones my computer automatically switches to headphones and shuts down the speakers.
SilentGaia: Last I checked they do.
Source: I own a 2013 Macbook Pro.
steezyvape: So this whole TIFU could have easily been solved by plugging headphones in first and then opening laptop.
There was a fuckup alright...
DreadPiratesRobert: Or by closing your Damn porn when you're done with it.
steezyvape: True, I'm not a savage.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1409981506 | 1410000783 | t3_2fm7wj | t5_2to41 | 4 | anhyzerguy: TIFU by bailing out my junkie nephew who promptly disappeared.
He managed to slip away before we were able to pick him up at the remand centre, in spite of promises to go to detox, etc. Goodbye $500. Last bridge burned, more warrants to come. Good luck pal, we tried...
anhyzerguy: I just feel bad that I've let him back out to steal, or pimp out his 'girlfriend' for the next fix. Shame on me for buying his bullshit. Maybe some people never do hit bottom...
Relaxativity: He would've gotten out again sooner or later. It's not a life sentence, most of the junkie stuff. You hit the point where you can honestly say you did your best you could for him. Move on.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409978097 | 1410011044 | t3_2fm46m | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by not paying attention to my crotch (NSFW? Idk)
This is literally the most embarrassing story of my life, but nobody knows me here so I totally feel like I can do this.
Story:
Had a huge final exam in a hall about a half-mile from my dormitory. Stressed out, in the middle of so many exams everything is a blur. Also on my period, meaning I am cramping and uncomfortable, but I can do it! I push myself to study the night before, and wake early the morning of the exam.
Super hot out because it's Mississippi; I shower, prepare, and trudge the half mile to the exam room an hour earlier than the final. I'm nervous about time because the instructor has made it clear that once the exam begins (on time), the doors will be locked. I also want to study in the nice, cool snack lobby while waiting for the exam to begin.
As background for this delightful tale, I suffer from intermediate-level social anxiety that is made worse by stress and generally makes me paranoid about people looking at me. Every interaction is a story in my head that it doesn't need to be, and at this point it's something I work on a lot with my counselor.
Thus when I stroll by two fairly hot guys in the hall, I try to play it cool. They are studying intensely but seem to do a double-take when I walk by. They aren't the only ones, it seems like a few have been a few doing that, but these two seem particularly riveted. I resist the urge to inspect myself, my clothes, my hair, like I always do when I'm afraid someone looked at me funny.
"It's not about me. Nobody is actually looking at me," I reassure myself. Like my counselor says, it's just not that big a deal. Always imagining things! Stupid brain.
I go into the snack lobby to sit and study, reassuring myself that I have more to worry about than imaginary side-glances from guys I don't know. I study hard for half an hour, then get up. Time for pre-game bladder emptying!
Cross the hall to get to the bathroom. Two guys are sitting there, look again at me.
"I don't care! Maybe they think I'm cute!"
I float by on manufactured clouds of confidence (and desperation, as I always wait too long before bathroom breaks) into the restroom, and duck into a stall.
"GAME TIME GAME TIME," my excitable brain crows as I relax and psych myself up.
Then I see it.
......
......
......
You know how when something really shocking happens, you get really cold and then really hot?
The chill of horror settles on me. in the back of my beautiful, favorite khaki shorts is one large, long red streak. What happened?? Then I realize that I did not, ahem, install my hygiene product properly.
No.
Nope.
Nope nope nope.
Those guys were not just looking in my imagination.
I don't even know how I even get through the first thirty seconds. I seriously begin to feel as if I am going to pass out; my head grows light light and the stall door in front of me looks swirly.
I sit dumbfounded for I don't know how long. This isn't a small blotch. These aren't dark shorts like jeans or something that could hide it. These are light khakis. I sit there, stumped and sickened.
Finally settle on it: there's only one thing to do. I flip my shorts around and yank my (Thank you, Lord Jesus) longish shirt down over the front. I swing my backpack around to hold in front of me, run out without even washing my hands, and avoid eye contact with the two guys with the religiousity of a devout social outcast.
I have never walked a mile that fast or changed clothes at such a light speed.
TL;DR: I didn't pay attention to my situation and ended up walking a half-mile next to a public road desperately trying to hide an embarrassing stain.
TL;DR Moral: Always pay attention to your crotch and your intuition.
Realistik84: I'm really sorry this happened. I really am. It sounds like everyone was cool about it. Hopefully it's a big school so no concern of seeing them often?
booskia: Yeah it is. Thankfully!!!
| 3 | 7 | |
1409983569 | 1409991349 | t3_2fm9zx | t5_2to41 | 17 | Varriable: TIFU by defecating behind a 7/11...
So I've always had a sensitive stomach. Theres things I avoid such as heavy butter, a lot of chocolate, subway meatball marinara, (specific things ive learned to avoid) and so on. Well one of those things is garlic covered hot pockets. Well, working late as my usual night goes, my buddy throws heats one up for me and hands it to me. I scarf that little bastard down because its' at the perfect point where its not lava and not ice (impossible I know).
No sooner did I lick my lips did I realize I tasted garlic... I sat patiently waiting for the armageddon that was about to perturb my anus. The hours passed as each hand of the clock mocked my dreary and dark future... but oh, what is this? It's been a while and I haven't felt anything... perhaps my stomach is ok! No. FUCKING NO!
I had left work and gotten on the train and the SECOND i stepped off it hit me. My stomach registered a quake harder than the movie 2012 where the tectonic plates were sinking into the earth. I realized I couldnt make the 10 minute walk home in time. I began to panic. I looked around to all the closed shops (it was 20 passed midnight). In the distance I see it! The mekka! My hope! A 7/11!!!
I had visited this 7/11 station before for various snacks and what have you. But on this night, my mission was different. I approached the establishment, walking as straight as possible when I asked the owner if he might have a restroom. He shook his head.... my soul broke as I feared the worse. I walked around the back looking for another store and before I could move a step further I felt the roar of my stomach. I dropped my pants and leaned against the wall below the security camera (out of sight) and blasted the wall and floor.
I went home and showered instantly. I can never go back.
tl;dr: Hot pockets. 9/10.
Boourns-Boourns: Just imagine the look on the owners face when he noticed your impressive masterpiece decorating his outside wall the next morning
Varriable: Theres no way I can brush this off. Like what are the odds:
"Do you have a bathroom?! I really need to go!"
"No sorry."
"Shit ok...."
----
Next morning:
"Fucking christ"
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1409986116 | 1410058906 | t3_2fmcb2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by knocking over my water bottle
Onto my bed which had my laptop.
And water got in it and it won't turn on. It won't charge, and it keeps trying to use the fan.
What makes it worse is this is my life line. I need it for school, games and work. My job isn't enough hours to get a decent computer.
This actually has fucked every aspect of my life. Wat do? Reddit, please help. I need advice too.
GreyWalker: WARNING: WindAeris is going to multiple subreddits asking for money to buy a new laptop. His story in those posts is that it was a leaky air conditioner.
microappleseed: I was also solicited by this user asking for a loan with the lie that it was a "leaky air conditioner".
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409986212 | 1410010533 | t3_2fmce3 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by appearing to jack off into my cereal
So this actually happened to a good friend of mine a few hours ago. He told it to me and I thought you guys may enjoy it. (This is what he sent me. I edited it because he can't spell.) "So I have this Cinnamon Toast Crunch right? And I haven't showered in a two days, so I'm smelling like a dog covered in semen, vomited up by another dog. And I thought "Well I need to shower, but I also really want a bowl of cereal." So I came up with the brilliant plan that I would bring the bowl into the shower! So about 5 minutes into the shower I spilled the entire bowl on myself, so I thought I would just go get another bowl. So after rinsing all of the milk off I walk into my kitchen, fully naked. I neglected to close any or all of the windows in my house. I also neglected to realize that my neighbor was approaching my door. So the scene is me, fully nekkid, shaking the cereal out of the bag, making it seem like I was jackin it into a bowl. I turned around just in time to see her walk away quickly. Fuck."
Raiden_Gekkou: You should knock on her door while naked and ask if she has any milk. Might as well do the full monty.
TooLazy4AName: While she's naked?
Raiden_Gekkou: Her being naked is optional. Him being naked is mandatory.
TooLazy4AName: If it was her, this'd be relevant.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uOX_hbkAMc
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1409986854 | 1409987643 | t3_2fmcyh | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting how to have a period.
Today I went to the bathroom in the afternoon after getting home and noticed that I had started my period. Luckily I was home so I could quickly swap my gross blood-soaked panties for my first fresh pair of period undies. I put in a tampon and called it a day. A couple hours later, I am rushing out the door to get to a volunteer shift (I volunteer at a crisis line call center) and I grab two tampons. Important to note, when I got to my car, I did not throw said tampons into my backpack; instead I threw them on the passenger seat along with all my other crap. So I get there, start my shift, it’s all good except it’s a slow night… then I realize I forgot to change my tampon, and it had been too long. With a sense of dread, I march toward the bathroom. Plopping down, I hear a soft dropping sound and now the tampon that has been soaking up all my leftover uterine lining has plopped out of my poor vag and even worse must be flushed down the toilet. I know this is bad because when I was in sixth grade I used to flush my tampons down the toilet until a plumber came to fix our pipes and pulled out the problem aka my collection of sixth grade toilet tampons. I feel especially bad because this is a NGO and I don’t want to make them pay a plumber to pull out a dumb tampon. Now I’m realizing that I forgot to bring my tampons in to replace the one that is now underwater, so I look to wipe all the excess blood and then create a makeshift pad with toilet paper but the toilet paper is GONE. Now I am left with only paper towels. So I wrap the crotch part of my underwear in 5 paper towels then bunch two together to create a softball-shaped blood catcher which I smash into my lady parts and then quickly pull my pants up to keep it all in place. I walk back down the hallway to the office to find that I’ve missed two calls (I had only had four in two hours up to that point) and that, you guessed it, I had no tampons. So I sat in my paper towel diaper thing until my shift ended. To add to all this, the janitor came in to quickly vacuum the call center, and then went down to the bathroom… where I realized he must have found my horror scene: an unflushed toilet (I got distracted!) with a tampon in it and period blood on paper towels that I had used to wipe, piled in the trash for all to see. Poor guy. I could just picture the sweet man who asked me how my day was fishing out my tampon two minutes later, and I felt like a piece of shit. I know whenever I use a bathroom and there is period shit everywhere I wonder how someone could have fucked up so badly… now I know.
shady-pines-ma: A menstrual cup would save you the trouble next time!
KafkaTamura90: Just don´t leave it in for 14 days ^*shudders*
shady-pines-ma: You read that too, huh? I can't even imagine!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410017120 | 1410131420 | t3_2fm00h | t5_2to41 | 5 | Volatilize: Oh yes. We're all idiots. Out of curiosity, how do you not have to pay for it?
lord_sherlock_holmes: OPs car insurance pays for the repair...
Volatilize: Assuming OP has collision coverage. That's pretty expensive.
And wouldn't OP still have to cover the deductible?
lord_sherlock_holmes: No...deductable only applies to your own car
Volatilize: Oh. I should really know this stuff.
| 5 | 1 | |
1409988291 | 1410021617 | t3_2fmee6 | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by flatulating during an Magnetic Resonance Imaging appointment.
For the past three years I have been experiencing low levels of chronic pain in my hand/wrist area. With my current work in finishing carpentry this pain has steadily and increasingly got more and more excessive to a point that I have had to move out of that career path and temporarily pursue other work. Today I went in for an MRI as was recommended by my doctor after an x-ray a while back. I went for sushi at lunch, eating a relatively large amount and rinsing it down with a good old Coca-Cola, then proceeded to the hospital.
I arrived early for my appointment, yet they were ready for me and immediately sent me up for an x-ray and a dye-job. That passed smoothly, my hand had been anesthesized and was feeling pleasant and I was walked back down into the basement to wait for the MRI. At this time it has been a few hours since eating and I am feeling okay. I am a bit thirsty and have a faint urge to urinate, but nothing immediate or threatening. I decided to forego drinking anything as I would soon be sitting in an MRI machine without the ability to move. I am handed a pair of beige pajamas and told to take off any jewelry, piercings, etc beforehand. I do as I am bid and go sit down in the waiting room. My need to pee has built slightly and after seeing a bathroom sign I move to get up and at that moment the nurse comes and gets me. I don't say anything as I didn't want to be a bother so we went right in and I am greeted by this large, forbidding white machine that looks identical to all those I have seen in TV or film. I am told I will be laying in a 'Superman' position, on my stomach with my injured hand stretched out in front of me. I get into said position, the nurse clamps my hand into a padded box and place pillows underneath my chest and knees and elbow. Needless to say, I was quite comfy, for the moment. I am given ear plugs and a headset and asked what radio station I would like to listen to.
"103.8 please."
I am then inserted into a small cylindrical space that compresses my shoulders together and pushes my head down into the relative comfort of the stacked hospital pillows. My arm is now at an awkward angle, which puts pressure on my wrist/hand, elbow and shoulder. Painful, but acceptable for half an hour or so. I am slightly claustrophobic and imagine myself in a drain pipe underground, pinned, unable to move, trapped, but the moment passes and I snuggle my head into the sterile cushion and close my eyes.
Now moments after closing my eyes I am feeling a pressure on my bowels and the gaseous contents of my stomach and bladder are being condensed and looking for escape. I leak a hot and dry little toot out, silent and seemingly lacking deadliness.
"Are you comfortable in there Croemato?"
"Yes, thanks."
"We will be starting the first scan, it will be a quick one."
"Sounds good."
The world around me starts unleashing a series of strange and alien noises. What sounds like a mechanical dog barking, and then a more rhythmic hum of someone banging indefatigably on an aluminum garbage can underwater. Within seconds it becomes white noise and another wave of calm creeps into me and I lay my head back into the pillow, thinking of a girl of course.
Now this is where it gets weird. Having nothing to do, my imagination runs rampant and I start to get a slight boner from my thoughts on this girl and at the same time my stomach is becoming more and more uncomfortable. I release another fart but this time it isn't so dry and after a few moments the malodorous scent dances into my nostrils and greets me. At the same time my imagination has me in a scenario that is increasingly erotic and pleasurable and the vibrations of the machine are not helping with my erection. The machine stops and the nurses voice comes back on the intercom.
"How are you doing Croemato?"
"Fine thanks. Quite comfortable."
"Ok. Our second scan will be about 54 minutes."
"Ok."
My arm is starting to throb now and my asshole is quivering like a dog shitting razorblades. My struggle has turned into a battle, and that battle has just begun. I hum along to the music and ignore it as my imagination allows me to moderately well.
"Next scan will be 6 minutes Croemato."
"Alright."
These interruptions are arresting my rhythym and I let out a juicy toot as the machine starts its incessant clanging again. This time it sounds different, like a semi-truck fucking a Lotus coupe. The smell that hits me is nauseating, I tend to enjoy the smell of my innard concoctions but being trapped in a narrow tube, assaulted by violent bangs and clangs, I am hardly happy. My sexual fantasy is still in full swing and now my ass is unleashing hell into this metal burrito. Indeed it smelled like a burrito. I think I hear someone gag through the plugs and headset but I figure it is paranoia.
"Remember to keep completely still Croemato, your next scan will be six minutes."
"Ok."
My farting doesn't stop and the smell seems to be building up into something tangible, as if I swung a fine net through the air it would come back with a layer of shit on it. My fantasy is fast evaporating with my bowels being released and tightened, released and tightened I feel the urge to pee. A very large urge to pee at that. In my next fart I dribble a little out of my half-erect penis, and the one after that a little more.
By now I am in a state of surreal disbelief. I am sitting, marinating in a tube full of ass particles, shoulder and elbow and wrist throbbing, sweating with the effort of maintaining closed gates, listening to Take Me To Church by Hozier, the tip of my penis is sitting in a cold wet spot on the front of my underwear, my ass feels a bit damp though I figure it is just my imagination and somewhere in there I am still experiencing some semblance of fantastical sexual intercourse with this girl I like. The machine is quiet again and I am ready to get out of there. The pressure in my stomach seems to have been quelled slightly with all the gas released and the urge to pee is not so great. I believe I can control myself now.
"Sorry Croemato we were just looking over the images, we are going to do one more scan quick."
"Ok."
The last scan went by with no problem and I was relieved as the pulled me out of there. Though as I sat up that feeling vanished. My cheeks squished on a slimey substance and the smell perforated the beige pajamas and the wet spot from the trickles of urine had seeped through on the front to make a small dark beige circle on the front of the pajamas.
I flushed with embarassment, unable to meet the eyes of the nurse, or even utter a single word. She muttered something about me being okay to go and I shuffled quickly into the dressing room. Removing my pajama pants I was relieved to see that nothing had leaked through on the back, but the smell would have been obvious to a dead dog.
After getting dressed I pretty much ran out of the hospital, to my car and breathed a sigh of relief as I was back on the highway, knowing I would never, ever, go back to that hospital or within ten miles of it.
**tl;dr Malfunctioning bodily functions in a functioning magnet.
**
Citizen_Bongo: What does shit look like in an MRI scan I wonder, do tell us OP!
Meganisium: Well, it looks for hydrogen if I recall correctly, so probably just a blot on the image with all the water in watery shit.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1409988836 | 1410120507 | t3_2fmew5 | t5_2to41 | 285 | [deleted]: TIFU By giving oral sex to my girlfriend.
Was my girlfriend's birthday..took her to her favorite place to get some spicy Indian food. Started to take care of her lady bits with my mouth only to realize that some of the spicy was still on my tongue.
Never again.
KafkaTamura90: Had a similar post-Indian dinner situation once, so I had the grand idea to prevent burning her with my "Indian fire" by washing my mouth with Listerine.
10/10, would recommend.
If you´re into getting slapped in the face really hard by your lady friend.
PM_ME_UR_CATS_TITS: You're keyboard settings are fucked up.
PM_me_your_nokia: No, **your** keyboard settings are fucked up.
PM_ME_UR_CATS_TITS: No, *your* fucking reading the wrong error.
Kwally55: No, YOU'RE fucking reading the wrong error.
PM_ME_UR_CATS_TITS: No, *YOU'RE* fucking, reading the wrong error.
FootofOrion: No, YOU'RE fucking the wrong error, reading.
swrgh: ERROR, reading you're Fucking. The wrong NO!
ColeTheo: UR both morans
Lern 2 spel idiets
(I apologize for that)
PsychoticWhispers: That one hurt to read.
| 11 | 25.909091 | |
1409990354 | 1409991714 | t3_2fmg52 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU By bringing a girl over and letting her fall off my roof.
TL;DR Brought a girl over, she falls off my roof and breaks her wrist. Also burnt dinner.
SO earlier this week I met a girl in class who was super cool, so I asked her to hang out. This was our first time hanging out outside of class. So we go to some art gallery stuff, walked around this fair thing and then came back to my house so I could make dinner and watch The Life Aquatic. Dinner was going to take 30 minutes in the oven, so naturally I said "Hey, wanna sit on the roof and wait?" She said fuck yeah so we took the ladder up and sat around talking and star-gazing. When our food was ready we headed down.
She was in a dress so she wanted to go first. I wanted to hold the ladder to be safe (couldn't from the roof), but I decided to be all respectful and junk. That was fucking dumb. Once she gets both feet on the ladder, it slides out from under her, and I couldn't catch her.
The image her falling is literally haunting. Her legs kicked out from under her and she flailed one arm back trying to brace her fall. The feeling of seeing her falling with me being able to do nothing but watch was pretty gut wrenching. I don't think I've ever felt so helpless.
When she hit the ground, she let out a sound that I can only describe as a wail. It was the kind of sound that let me instantly know that she was really fucked. Not like, ahh man my ankle, but like, HOSPITAL NOW! So I jumped off the roof and landed next to her. I looked to see how bad she was hurt. Her wrist was super broken. Her hand was an inch higher than it should of been. Her arm looked like a lightning bolt. She also landed right on her back.
I ran and got my roommate and we rushed her straight to the ER. She was screaming in pain the whole way there. She was begging me to help her, which felt REAALLLLYY shitty too because there was literally nothing I could say or do.
Once we got to the ER, the doctors put her under and set her wrist, then scanned her back. Luckily there wasn't anything wrong with it other than bruising. Her wrist was wrecked. But everything got fixed up as good as it could be.
After that I drove her to CVS to get her meds, which I payed for out of guilt as well as bought her a bunch of chocolate. I took her home and got her in bed.
Also, I forgot to take the food out of the oven so that shit got burnt. To be fair though, I was kind of in a hurry.
I'm hoping that class isn't too fucking weird on Tuesday! I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to sit near me :P
S0LDIER-X: First, you say there was nothing you could say or do, wrong. You can simply say "everything will be alright" second, hope everything goes ok and maybe in a few weeks you two can laugh about this together on a date :D
ryanisawesomish: Haha I definitely was saying stuff like that, but she was way too in shock to hear a word I said.
S0LDIER-X: Sounds about right, I don't remember much from my ambulance ride after I'd cut my leg open. But I do remember watching when the doctor stitched it up, which my mom couldn't watch.
ryanisawesomish: Yah I stayed with her for almost all of it. They made me leave when they put her under to set her wrist. The ride there is intense, ya know? Idk if its different in an ambulance, but man was I fucking freaking out.
S0LDIER-X: My mother told me she almost fainted when my friends helped me get to my house after I ripped a chunk of my leg out haha but like i said, I don't remember much at all. If my mom was there she was probably freaking out, I was probably trying to stay calm.
ryanisawesomish: Haha that sounds prettttyy crazy bud! I was pretty calm on the outside trying to be cool and under control, but inside it was nuts. I'm sure you mum was the same!
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1409991271 | 1409993535 | t3_2fmguf | t5_2to41 | 0 | throwawayHERO151: TIFU by asking my girlfriend's best friend out on a date with intentions to fuck her
so i been w/ my gf (who is a 9/10) for 6 years and hit a major opening with one of her (8/10) best friends this summer. hot tub. mixed drinks , etc. we never closed but i always thought there was an opening to be exploited. exactly a year ago this evening i was laid off by a fortune 500 company that rhymes with horizon and decided to celebrate my one year liberation with debauchery. my gf works nights and i text her bf with the intentions to wine her dine her and hopefully 69 her. all the signals were wrong after i confessed my sexual appetite for her and now i risk losing my 6 year relationship over her friend that i needed closure over. FML
TL:DR hit on my gf bff. didnt work. pretty fucked when my gf finds out.
FuckyFuckyTime: Wait, she's going to tell her about you? Didn't you 2 mess around?
throwawayHERO151: The signals were all there ( my bf aint fuckin me right etc) so i went for it and she freaked the fuck out. im flipping the fuck out now drinking vodka straight waiting for my girl to get home shittin brix
FuckyFuckyTime: Let the friend know that she's fucked too if she tells on you.
| 4 | 0 | |
1409988249 | 1410020476 | t3_2fmecn | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being intensely stupid
As with most posts, this did not happen today, but in fact a year ago.
It was a cold winter day in late December. Snow was everywhere and I did what I usually do in that weather- go to a friend's house for some vidya gaem. I'm going to call him Matt. Matt and I had been friends for eight years. After a long and perilous journey to his house, we decided to boot up his old Wii and play Super Smash Bros. Brawl. (I am badass with marth) After a while of me losing because my giant hands press eighteen buttons at once, we decided to relax and watch The Simpsons because why not. We started talking about basic things like sports. Then he started talking like he never does- complimenting me. I go along with it, whatever, probably leading up to a joke. Looking back at it, it really sounded more like flirting, the same can be said for what I was saying. My mind was essentially running on autopilot for a few minutes. The details after here are fuzzy, autopilot is not a good strategy. He gets closer to me, not picked up by autopilot. A few minutes later, sparked by something I said, he leaned in- to kiss me. Note that I'm straight. Autopilot disengaged. Now, my options here are-
a) push him away. I'm a strong guy.
b) release my inner gay and make out with Matt
or c) girly scream and fall back onto coffee table, knocking me out
I chose c. I woke up between 10 and 20 minutes later with a headache. I had been bleeding after my idiot-fall, and Matt had gauze'd my head. I thanked him and left awkwardly.
Tl;dr- I was stupid and as a result was concussed and created the most awkward situation I've been in
[deleted]: How is your relationship with Matt now?
TILmonstaar: We're still friends. Thankfully this incident didn't really change much.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409991554 | 1410001377 | t3_2fmh3e | t5_2to41 | 3 | DarknessRain: TIFU by trying to wash a pillow.
Background: I'm renting a room from this nice older couple in a city away from home for uni. I have my own room and bathroom, and access to the kitchen, wherein there is a washer and a dryer.
There was a bed already in my room with pillows and blankets, but I brought a pillow and blanket with me, which I prefer to use because well, they're mine.
I had been instructed that I should wait until I have a big load of laundry before doing it, so as not to waste water. I had my own bottle of detergent, and prior to today had used it one time with their machine, with success.
Story: So I wanted to have a laundry session, but I thought I might have two few things to wash, so I was looking around for more stuff.
In the absence of enough dirty clothes, I added some old shoes, a backpack, and a pillow case to my load. I had washed these things at one time or another over the years at home, so I assumed they'd work here too.
Once the pillow case was off my pillow, I noticed that the pillow itself was pretty dirty, so I threw that in the load as well, on a whim, but I had never washed a pillow before (after the fact, I realized I should have looked this up online first)...
So I brought all of these things into the kitchen, stuffed them in the washer, poured the detergent in, turned it on, closed the lid, and set the detergent on top.
Everything was going swimmingly for a minute or two, until the washer just stopped. There was still a lot of time left in the cycle, and it was making this ticking noise.
Immediately I panicked. I thought that in my effort to get a full load, I must have tossed in too much and jammed the thing. I reached my arm into the soapy water and tried to tug at anything near the bottom, and nothing seemed to be stuck.
I closed the lid and it was still making the ticking noise. I didn't know whether or not this was part of the normal operation, so I assumed the worst. I thought that the now-soggy pillow must weigh too much and not allow the center to spin.
I lifted the pillow out of the machine, (it must have been about 15 lbs by this point), squeezed it out over the top, and tossed it into the dryer.
The washer door was blocked from fully opening by a shelf, meaning that if one is not holding it, it falls right back down, which it did, starting the washer again.
I had used a dryer many times in the past, but only after washers had completed their normal cycles, so it guess it kind of went over my head that things were supposed to be more or less only slightly damp going into a dryer, instead of soaking wet.
The pillow left this trail of water on the kitchen floor from the washer to the dryer, and I panicked even more. There was a roll of paper towels, so I tried to get some and soak up the trail, but it kept growing bigger.
I also heard a loud *SMACK*, and noticed the detergent bottle lying sideways on the floor. Assuming I had accidentally knocked it over in the confusion, I picked it up and set it atop the washer.
At the same time, I thought that if someone heard me fooling around in the kitchen and came to check it out, only to find the trail of water leading to the dryer, they would look inside, see a pillow, and get mad at me.
I somehow reasoned that the best way to hide the pillow while it was in the dryer would be to take a few "normal" things (shirts, a towel) from the washer prematurely and stick them in the dryer as well. This way, if someone looked inside, they might not notice the pillow being tossed around with the other stuff.
I got the "normal things" out of the washer and tossed them into the dryer, the washer lid slammed shut again and kept violently spinning, and the normal things left another huge trail of water across the kitchen floor.
I was terrified, I kept repeating in my mind "I'm so fucked, I'm so fucked, I messed up so bad, I'm so damn stupid..."
I got more bunches of paper towels to soak up the water, and two things happened almost simultaneously that shattered what was left of my resolve:
First, I noticed that water was pooling out from under the dryer, and it suddenly made so much sense that the dryer was not in fact waterproof, and that a person was not supposed to stick dripping wet things in it. There was probably more water under, behind, and around the dryer than I had initially seen.
Second, I heard a loud *SMACK* from the washer, and saw a big pool of blue had magically appeared from that area, making its way toward me. The washer had been shaking so much, that it had knocked the bottle of detergent off the top, shattering it.
I realized that the first time the detergent fell, it was probably also due to the shaking, and I, not knowing this, had unintentionally set it up in the same place to fall a second time, only this time it broke.
I was about ready to cry, but with my brain racing, I realized that this could be my scapegoat. I could hide everything, the clothes, the pillow, the shoes, and ask for a mop.
If I was questioned about why I would need it, I could give the true story of the detergent falling, because that is just a simple mistake that could have happened to anyone; no one would get mad at me, no one would think I was a dumbass. The huge puddle of water around the dryer could just be played off as a result of me trying to mop up the detergent.
I ran downstairs to my room, and cleared off a transparent blue storage container/laundry basket, and ran back upstairs with it.
So far, so good, no one had seen anything. I opened the washer and dryer, and tossed everything in the storage container. A Thick pool of soapy water gathered in it, but I could deal with that later. I ran downstairs with it, hid it in my room, and ran back upstairs.
I found this Mexican lady I rent from in the living room watching TV and talking on the telephone. I asked her for a mop, and she followed me to the kitchen, where I gave her the story about the detergent, conveniently leaving out all of my fuck-ups.
I down-played the water as me having tried to get everything out of the way while I dealt with the mess. She said she didn't have a mop, but she got some old towels and started cleaning it up like it was no big deal.
She then had me bring up the clothes to finish the cycle. I brought up only the clothes, and left the pillow, the shoes, and the backpack downstairs, not knowing whether she would get angry if she saw.
The clothes were taken care of, but I still had the pillow, backpack, shoes, and the container with about two inches of water in it to deal with. I stuck the pillow, shoes, and backpack in my shower, where any water coming off would go down the drain, then I snuck around the side of the house in the darkness, and dumped the container out into some bushes.
When the normal clothes came out of the dryer, I took one of the towels, lined the storage container with it, stuck the soggy pillow inside, wrapped the towel around it, and stomped on top of it. I think time will fix the rest.
Everything went better than expected.
KindJester: Next step: bodies disposal.
DarknessRain: I would definitely be cut out for that.
...maybe...
| 3 | 1 | |
1409999510 | 1410000927 | t3_2fmn32 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my insecure roomate a lesbian TWICE!
Hello Reddit!
So a bit of background:
I am currently on erasmus in The Netherlands and I share a house with two random girls I met back home but that were going to go on the same erasmus. One, lets call her Dany, is great, she's 25, nerdy and sweet, the other one, Beatrice, is 30, a meter and a half tall or 3 feet 3⅞ inches, and very insecure about how she looks.
Anyway, Beatrice is very shy and doesn't enjoy leaving her room and having firiends makes her uncomfortable so what I did must have put her in hell. She was already mad at me because once when we were hanging out with other friends I jockingly stated that Beatrice preffered women's company, but I meant it as a joke not wanting to hurt anyone, I have nothing against homosexuals in any way. So she was pretty mad at me and shunned me for about four weeks.
Now the action:
So four erasmus weeks later she actually speaks to me, she didn't mention the incident and we were having a good time toghether, I was nervous because I hate this situations and usually fuck up with something, kind of a bit like Chandler. So she says "I'm going out today with Alexandra", and I respond to "I hope she introduces you to a girlfriend of hers" she screams whaaaaaat to my face, runs to her room and slams the door. I just stood there with the whitest face I have ever seen. What I said is something I usually say to my friends but somehow it got in my brain at the time. I cried for about ten minutes just wondering what the hell is rong with me. Dany laughed but then got pretty serious and a bit cross.
So now I'm pretty sure Beatrice will not speak to me for the next 12 years and I have a greater chance of playing spock in the new Star Trek movie than getting her to pardon me.
What shall I do to get her friendship back?
Chukwuuzi: Take her out for dinner (not necessarily as a 'date' but just go out and pay for her food and talk to her)
Despensito: Thanks maybe I should, but she doesn't really like to leave the house... thanks anyway!
dchero: Offer to make her dinner. I vote tacos
Seriously though, no one can turn down home cooked apology food
| 4 | 1.5 |
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