start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1409999601 | 1410022022 | t3_2fmn5y | t5_2to41 | 374 | n0t_a_Bot: TIFU I decided it was a good idea to continue programming on my hobby project whilst drunk and tired...
and now I am faced with various nonsensical scripts full of code without comments and variables like "abcabc" and methods like "dostuff".I think I might have also changed a ton of stuff which was working perfectly fine. now nothing works :(. I will be spending my weekend reading through this gibberish and trying to fix this mess
rmas: Version control bro.
n0t_a_Bot: yeah, I should have done that. But github is only free for public projects , do you know a good free alternative ?
rmas: Git and github are separate, you can use git on its own on your PC. Pushing to github is just synchronising their copy of the repo. That said bitbucket is free.
n0t_a_Bot: cool ,I didnt know that, tanks :) . I am relatively new to programming
fezzo: If you are a university student (or have an email address with .edu) then you will get free access to private github repos until you graduate :)
wOlfLisK: What if your university doesn't use .edu?
n0t_a_Bot: yeah my uni uses .ac.uk
wOlfLisK: Looks like it should work. My school's generic .nl one seems to work fine.
| 9 | 41.555556 | |
1410000274 | 1410002864 | t3_2fmnod | t5_2to41 | 9 | theNICEguyagain: TIFU By complementing my girlfriend after receiving oral.
So the story begins with me and my SO laying on my bed. Like most couples you have probably seen the first 20 minutes of a half dozen movies before fun time. Well 20 minutes goes by and she starts to slowly go down on me. After another 5-10 minutes things are getting pretty heated and she starts kissing her way back up to my face to which I say in a very innocent and non sarcastic tone... "..That was nice..". From my point of view it was fine! From hers not even close. Both of us being Redditors and knowing a certain story "That was nice" quickly turned into our version of "you like that? you fucking retard". A good hour or so has passed... no happy time and she still cant look at me without laughing.
S0LDIER-X: "a certain story" I would like to see this story and why it caused laughter.
theNICEguyagain: [Story](http://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq)
S0LDIER-X: Wow. No idea how to respond to that
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410001171 | 1410005705 | t3_2fmod3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | HK_GwaiLou: TIFU by snipping my tip
Was at my girlfriends house today, randomly took out my member for her to take a gander at. I worked hard all week and I wanted to have some fun. She disapproved of it saying the pubes have grown too long. I walked away feeling dissapointed and went into the bathroom. I then saw a golden opportunity to fix the situation. I picked up a pair of scissors I saw in front of me and stood over the toilet. I was trimming away watching them all hit the toilet water, when my girlfriend suddenly knocked on the door. I twitched a bit and then felt a horrifying rush of pain around the tip of my little guy. I cut some skin off the side of my tip, it bled for a while and now I can't have any sexy time.
TL;DR: Wanted sex, forgot to manscape, cut my tip with scissors, and received no sex.
Edit: Changed "a scissors" to "a pair of scissors"
ieatbabies1: Click goes the dick.
S0LDIER-X: Snip went the tip?
Abergoon: Nick went the prick?
| 4 | 3 | |
1410000617 | 1410073565 | t3_2fmny2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by not saving my friend's phone number.
Alright so before I start this story we will need a little bit of backstory. When I was 13-17 I was in the boy scouts program where I made a lot of friends. The way it works in the program is boys from the age of 12-17 all do activities as a part of a troop.
Anyway when I was 13 I joined I became friends with one of the 17 year old. Eventually once we both left the program we somewhat lost touch, he joined the military and such and we just didn't talk as much as we used to. Since the last time I had talked to him I hadn't saved his phone number in my phone.
Fast forward to a week ago I got a text from a number I didn't recognize inviting me to a birthday party. I've been very busy with college as it has just started I never thought to actually call the number. So I read some of the previous text messages that was from around a year ago, something with iPhones saves texts for a long time. So from my quick scan I thought it was my older friend because we were talking about old hiking trips and such. I assumed it was either his 22nd or 23rd birthday so I decide to go and bring a bottle of whisky, the usual birthday present for 23 year old's party.
Anyway it isn't until I got to the door, bottle in hand, that I felt something was off, I just assumed he had moved and it was a new house. So I knock on the door and I am greeted by a 15 year old and his parents and some of my younger friends. It turns out that it was somebody who was in the same situation as me where when I was 17 I became friends with a 12 year old and he decided I should come to his birthday party. Safe to say this is the biggest I've fucked up in my whole life.
When they notice the bottle in my hand, they started drilling me about why I would bring something like that to their son's birthday party. Also because I was underage, I realized that I was in deep shit and I froze. I was at a loss for words for about thirty seconds when I then decided that to explain how this was not where I was expecting to be. The kid's dad took the bottle from me and invited me in where they let me explain myself. It turned out to be an awkward night of death stares and whispers about me that I could obviously hear and understand that they were shit talking me. After about 2 1/2 hours I decided to excuse my self with some bullshit excuse that I had to go pick up my sister across town. Never in a million years would I have thought anything like this would happen to me.
Another part of the story, I did ask him how old he was turning and I gave a number of 23 but since to the 15 year old it was so absurd he replied with 12 and I assumed it was just a joke.
TL;DR: Took a bottle of whisky to a 15-year-old's birthday party.
robturner45: Parents kinda sound like dicks, that is if you explained the situation properly.
Melad_S: I explained it thoroughly but they passed judgement most likely because I wasn't 21 and they thought I was a bad influence or something like that. Which I mean I guess it was wrong but really, it was for celebration.
robturner45: Totally forgot that in freedom land you have to be 21 to drink. Still dicks though.
frostyboy500: 18 here :)
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1410004548 | 1410084181 | t3_2fmr1v | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at the bedroom with a black light.
First of all, the building I live in is a nuthouse. Most people just wouldn't believe the shit that's happened to me since I moved in here. I haven't moved away in part because I didn't know how long I'd be in here in DC and getting a lease under a year is difficult, and in part because I like this apartment's layout and location, and in part because I won't be bullied out of my apartment.
Anway, I have new next-door neighbors. They have two cats, a male and a female. I have a tom cat, an unfixed male. Recently he's been doing a little spraying in the bedroom, which shares a wall with my neighbor's bedroom - figure he can smell their female cat. So around 5am this morning I smell some cat pee and I'm like, oh man, Oliver has sprayed again.
Sure enough, during the night I knocked a pillow off of the bed and oliver sprayed it. Shit.
I have a black light that I use to see exactly where the cat has sprayed, so I get it and plug it in. I see a splotch on the floor where oliver sprayed the pillow. I also look around the rest of that area of the room.
I see that someone has wiped the wall around a picture I have hanging up (along the left side of the picture and under it as well), with something that the black light picks up. They used their fingers because I can see the finger marks. I don't know if this is human pee or something else.
A few weeks ago there were a couple of maintenance guys in here doing some drywall work and repainting a bit. I guess they didn't like me despite the $20 tip I gave each of them.
[Here's a pic,](http://i.imgur.com/48Fcm01.jpg) I had to adjust the colors because I took it in the dark with the black light on.
Ick, and I live in a looney bin apparently.
rbear5: Maybe you should get your cat neutered.
dogwatchiscurtailed: I've been thinking about it! he's like 12? I'm concerned that he would suddenly get fat. He never gets outside so I'm not worried about him reproducing in the wild but it would be nice to not have to worry about pee. I think he's trying to tell me something but I don't know what.
rbear5: Well it would help with the marking. More importantly, with a female cat next door that is distracting him… Can't be a good time getting aroused all the time with no opposable thumbs (sorry its just the best way to put this into perspective for people in terms of animal happiness). His behaviour towards the cat next door won't change because he is a tom. The decision would be to correct behaviour rather than prevent babies. Worth talking to a vet about.
dogwatchiscurtailed: thanks! it's major surgery though, right? I don't really want to put him under the knife just for occasional peeing although it would be nice to never ever have to worry about it. I thought I read that it's not a guaranteed solution (so little in life is).
LBenDover: They only cut his balls off. Minor surgery for a cat. (Same day surgery) But at his age it is unlikely to change his ways.
dogwatchiscurtailed: thanks :-(
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1410004762 | 1410017083 | t3_2fmr7r | t5_2to41 | 14 | marco_cz: TIFU by getting drunk & high with our German teacher.
First, you have to understand, Czech republic is a place where 13yo girls get drunk and high, and nobody actually gives a shit. I understood this right after I got to this school.
I came to this school, and I thought, damn, it is said to be one of the best high schools in the country. I can't fuck it up. There will be no alcohol, no weed, no nothing..so wrong. The first week of school, it was Friday, and one guy said (his name, let's say Karma), hey, let's meet each other and go out tonight. We were 30 in the class and half of the class showed up in front of the school that day, expecting like going to drink tea and stuff. Me too, I haven't had anything else than one beer before that day (didn't like it though :) )
We went to a pub Karma knew and everybody got quite drunk and I think that's the reason why we all are friends, because we got first drunk together. We started to go out almost every Friday for a beer or two, and there were these friends of Karma I've never seen before, and every time we went to a pub he got high with them and some classmates were like "shit, I don't want that to get to me, ever." (He first got high month after)
Then we stopped going out, just few of us..
Once, it was in December and my parents were out, 4 of us said we gotta try the pub near the school, because we were tired of travelling more than an hour to a pub. I had a date that night too, so I said "I'll come an hour later or so, don't get drunk!"
After the date, I got to the pub, and there were two of our school's teachers, one was our German teacher and the second is a PE teacher. (not ours). They were sitting at a table near the entrance, and the first think on my mind was like "oh fuck, I'm fucked, what am I gonna do?!" and then I see my friends in the back, smiling, having beer and whiskey. I greet the teachers and go to the friend's table and say "What the fuck are you doing?! Over there's our teacher, he'll tell the headmaster and we are fucked!" (Drinking in Czech rep. is allowed from 18, we are 16, but the only ones who care are police.)
and I see their red eyes, that time, I was quite familiar with weed, and they say, "Sorry man, we gotta go get Bara (our classmate) to the bus home" and so they did. I sat there with Karma only and after a beer, we are about to go, we pay, and are ready to go, but since we pass the teacher's table, the PE teacher says "come here guys, we want you to help us resolve one thing." so we sit and help them (It was about drugs, if they should be legal or stay illegal.) After 3 beers, Karma, the biggest idiot of the table, and in that moment, of the world, says "hey, let's go out and get high." and he shows us the best Czech weed you can get (trust me, you fly after a hit) and they agree. FUCK, we are actually smoking weed with our teachers! We did a whole gram of that stuff, and got back, did some shots of Jagermeister, few more beers and all went home. Now it is the right time to say, the next day was Friday.
Friday morning, I felt like..yeah, I was hung over. I was so happy to make it to school. By that time I entered the classroom, everybody knew what happened, me and Karma and my other friend were so fucked we were happy to go to toilet and poke the shit out. I survived the first 3 hours without going to toilet again, but then, there was German lesson.
The teacher entered, looked at the three of us, sipped his coffee, hung over too, and just shaked his head. The whole class had a big laugh about that, and the lesson was spent doing nothing but going to toilet. Best night ever.
**TL;DR** Got to a pub and got high and drunk with my teachers and friends.
sophypophy: Not seeing the fuck up here
marco_cz: The class laughing at us? I know it's not a big fuck up but for me it was quite..
sophypophy: >The whole class had a big laugh about that, and the lesson was spent doing nothing but going to toilet. Best night ever.
>Best night ever.
Not a fuck up if it ends with best night ever = P
marco_cz: it was a fucked up best night ever haha
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1410007972 | 1410039064 | t3_2fmu8b | t5_2to41 | 1,432 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking an ex
This happened about a year ago
I was away for business and got hit up by an ex of mine from college. We'd ended things on good terms and remained friends, although we hadn't seen each-other in years.
Fast forward to dinner and I get a txt from her, saying she saw is was in town from my snapchat. She asks if I want to hang out, I've got nothing else to do so I agree and met her at a bar around 8pm.
We get pretty drunk and I end up talking a lot of shit, making her laugh. She tells me she recently broke up with her fiance, and starts asking me questions about business, travel and then starts to question me about my hotel room about how nice it was. Although I think that's kind of a weird thing to ask, but I just pass it off.
Fast forward to around midnight and I'm ready to leave, I've got a huge day ahead of me and need to be top of my game (sales). I say I'd better be off, but she wants to see my hotel room. I think fuck it, what's the harm so we grab a cab and go back to my room. When we get up she's amazed about how nice it is, and proceeds to jump the gun and makes a pass at me. I'm pretty shit faced, and she is still as hot as ever so I oblige. Keeping in mind this wasn't planned, so I had no protection and just assumed she was on the pill, we screw like old time and the next day she leaves.
Fast forward 2 weeks and I get this discomfort in my balls that persists for a few days, so I call my doctor and make an appointment. When I get there he insists that I take an STD test, although he can't see or feel anything weird.. The next day I get a call saying the results are back and that I need to come down. I'm panicking real hard, so I take the rest of the day off sick and rush down to the clinic. The results come back positive for fucking chlamydia! The little slut had obviously been on a breakup bender and been fucking around... Round of antibiotics later and I was all cleared up.
TLDR - Fucked ex who'd obviously been on a break-up bender and got chlamydia.
menn: Why is she a slut? it only takes one time with one person to get a std if you don't use protection..
You can only blame yourself for not using one either
prcslaia: Yeah that's abit mean to call her a slut given you did/got the same thing
Jrochks: I don't know, apparently it's okay for guys to be "sluts"
goldenmonkeyscrotum: A key that can open any lock, is a master key. A lock that can be opened by any key, is a shitty lock.
aspankdmonkey: You know there's about as many girls as there are guys in the world. That was pretty good logic in 6th grade though, so I applaud you for that.
goldenmonkeyscrotum: What....?
aspankdmonkey: It's an unrealistic standard. There's a near equal number of "keys" and "locks," yet we're supposed to use the keys liberally on as many locks as possible, because that means the "keys" are effective? Well, there's only so many locks, so I don't know how you want that to work out. Drop the shitty double standard.
goldenmonkeyscrotum: What are you even talking about? What does the amount of "locks" and "keys" in the world have to do with anything... the number of locks and keys has nothing to do with this. It doesn't matter how many locks there are. 1 or 1000, if any key opens it up, it's a shitty lock. How can you argue that?
Imagine you had your valuable locked away. Would you want a lock that can be opened by any key? No because that would be shitty. Anyone could open it right up, take what they want, and be on their wAy.
But if it were the other way around, and you had just 1 key. 1 key that opened any lock, that would be amazing. You could open any lock you wanted too. Who wouldn't want a master key that can open any lock? What Are some negatives about having a master key? I can tell you plenty of negatives to having a shitty lock.
aspankdmonkey: I'm also a little dubious that locks and keys are analogous to reproductive organs as well. A vagina isn't some sort of magical out of bound thing that needs to be guarded by a lock, and a penis isn't some magical tool to unlock hidden treasures. You're an idiot.
goldenmonkeyscrotum: So a vagina IS a magical thing that needs to be protected by a lock, but a penis ISNT the magical tool to unlock it. Yea, I'm the idiot.
aspankdmonkey: I actually meant to type "isn't." I fixed it now though.
goldenmonkeyscrotum: Regardless. It's a good analogy (:
aspankdmonkey: Disagree. Locks are meant to guard something, keys are meant to gain access to something. I don't see how a.) a vagina guards anything, or b.) a penis is used to gain access to something guarded.
goldenmonkeyscrotum: The Uterus. Where life is made.
aspankdmonkey: Man, you need to study your anatomy too.
goldenmonkeyscrotum: Can you enlighten me? Where else can sperm enter?
aspankdmonkey: Dude, it's a passage, not a guardhouse. It needs to enter to reproduce, and it's function is to reproduce. Why would a vagina guard against reproductive measures?
goldenmonkeyscrotum: The vagina doesn't. The person it's attatched too does.
| 19 | 75.368421 | |
1410008500 | 1410101841 | t3_2fmupr | t5_2to41 | 679 | [deleted]: TIFU by cleaning up litter that was not litter
I was walking my dogs in vast field by my house, in heavy winds. In the middle of the field is a copse of trees. When I got there I noticed a red cord fluttering in the wind. There was a huge length of red knitting wool that had wound its way around the copse of trees. I figured it had caught the wind and blown into the trees and decided to unwind it from the copse and get rid of it. It only took me 5 minutes and it was a bit of a pleasurable puzzle to solve. I shoved the wad of wool into my pocket and kept on walking. About 200 yards away from the copse I heard a small roar. I turned to see a group of about 15 8-year-olds in party hats sprinting toward the trees from a house on the other side of the field. I realized to my horror that the wool had been wound around the trees as a birthday party activity. The damage had been done... I just turned and kept on walking. Sorry kids!
Jetsfan81j: I read "corpse" in a field wayyy too many times before i realized it said "copse"...
escott1981: I didnt even realize it wasnt "corpse" til i read your comment! LOL. I had to go back up and double check. I've never even heard of copse. How is that pronounced? like "Cops"?
12_inch_clock: yes
escott1981: Thanks!
12_inch_clock: yes
gestube: You can stop now
12_inch_clock: yes
| 8 | 84.875 | |
1410013198 | 1410019377 | t3_2fmzzt | t5_2to41 | 17 | KurzWebber: TIFU by checking my facebook messages
This is literally my first post, could possibly be a throwaway account but seen as though I use this username for practically everything... Maybe thats not such a bright idea? Anyway, fuck it.
This happened last weekend and I've only realised how much of a fuck up this really is.
I'll set the scene, I'm a 21 year old male, used to be a fitness instructor but now I'm currently a debt collector. I have this laid back attitude that attracts the wrong attention.. Anyway.
I head to this place for a few drinks with some friends, this also happens to have beer pong. As I'm walking through the bar I happen to see my friend who I haven't seen in years on a work night out playing beer pong, I head over to hug him and this hot girl comes up to me and says how good I smell. (I'm thinking at this point she's keen for the D.)
A few bevs down and we continue to chill, she keeps flashing her tits while I'm playing against her and by this point I'm starting to fall for this chick because she's so confident. I pull her aside and we talk, shes really intelligent and she's ticking all the boxes. We head to a few bars as a group and it gets to about 1am and I have to leave as it was supposed to be an early night. As I leave this girl comes running after me, dragging me to other bars just me and her. I've never had so much attention from such a hot girl so quickly before, so I'm just lapping it all up. We talk A LOT. I walk her back to hers, we have the most incredible night of sex, and I'm talking incredible. I roll over and she tells me I have to leave because shes falling for me but shes in a relationship. Fuck. By this point I'm starting to get feelings for this girl. She ticks all the right boxes. She's been busting my balls all night, she's fun to talk to and be around, she likes the same music as me and she's amazing in bed.
I head home, very drunk and a little annoyed. Only knowing a few things about her; her name, where she works and how amazing this girl is.
Fast forward a week and I'm checking my facebook messages and I see a fucktonne of messages I've sent to roughly 20 girls called Lauren, not knowing her last name, they all look slightly similar. I'm checking each and everyone of them, none have replied (I said if this aint the person I boned, please don't respond, I'm very drunk - smart!) and literally none of the girls I sent messages to turns out to be the love of my life. This gets me curious (I know she has facebook, it was mentioned in the conversation. She has none of her work colleagues on facebook because she wants to keep her private life and her work life separate) and I eventually find her. She's just as beautiful as I remember. I wanted to creep on the guy she's in a relationship with and this is where it hits me. It's not a guy, its a girl.
Maaaaaaan.
TL;DR - Met the love of my life. Banged. She's in a relationship. Drunken sent messaged to who I thought she was on Facebook. Find actual facebook. Mind blown.
LaughingTrees: Cheating on her relationship is one of the boxes you're looking to tick?
KurzWebber: I only found out she was in a relationship AFTER banging.
LaughingTrees: Why did you try to find her on facebook?
KurzWebber: Drunk, messaged her something creepy.
Sober, wanted to find out who she was in a relationship with. (Creeper be creepy)
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1410014368 | 1410026590 | t3_2fn1iq | t5_2to41 | 18 | goofballl: TIFU [Meta] Can we have a day where we take the T in the acronym literally?
I enjoy reading this sub as much as anyone, but there's a difference between stories that happened weeks or years ago and recent ones. With fuck ups that are current, everyone gets the chance to experience the situation as it unfolds. People can offer advice and see the new developments as the OP edits them in.
I wouldn't mind seeing one day a week (perhaps Mondays, because fuck Mondays) devoted only to things that people fucked up in the last 24 (or maybe 48 at the most) hours. What do you think?
Also, since self posts get no karma, please upvote for visibility if you think this is something people should discuss.
McDonaldsEatsMeOut: Honestly, I really don't give a shit when the tifu happened. All I care about is if it entertained me. If it did, then great move along. What does it matter if it was thirty years ago?
goofballl: I guess for me there's just something about not knowing how the whole situation has happened. Like the OP comes in and tells us the fuckup, but we don't yet know the aftermath. It means that the commenters can participate in a dialog with the OP about the situation, which isn't really something you can do with old stories unless it's to ask for clarifying details.
HoodieGalore: Yeah, because OP is known for delivering.
I guess some people like dialog, but I *really* don't like anticipating updates that never happen. I'll take an old story with a resolution over an open ended current event any day.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1410015228 | 1410090377 | t3_2fn2mz | t5_2to41 | 46 | mvpnick11: TIFU by calling my Girlfriend by my Ex-Girlfriends name.
After a long day of fooling around multiple time and living off of about 4 hours asleep at 4 in the morning, my girlfriend decided she wanted to horseplay around. Well i was in zombie mode fading in and out of sleep and she did something to where i said "Babe Stop!" just kind of joking around. Well then, she did it again and I clearly just said my ex's names in a stern voice.
She then proceeded to loose her shit and ended up leaving my house. She's now wondering if I ever loved her and if we should still be together. I was so happy with her too. Everything was perfect. I hate my ex even more now.
MoisturizedGoat: I did this once at 4 in the morning before going to sleep. I rolled over and said "Love you Sophie" even though her name was Rosie. Then she give me a dirty look and I proceeded to then say "What's wrong Sophie". Took a few hours for that awkward silence to end. Still ended up fucking her that night as well.
Daniel-H: Wow...twice? Wow...
Let's just say I wouldn't put you in charge of mission control at NASA...
MoisturizedGoat: In my defense, I was half asleep. She was a pretty horrible person though, so it makes it better.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1410015033 | 1410039050 | t3_2fn2dr | t5_2to41 | 6 | fattyboombaladdy: TIFU by having sex in the living room NSFW
First post so bear with me. Visiting gf, who I haven't seen in a while. We go out to grab some food. First.. details.
To set up the scenario, my gf's apartment is a three room apartment where all the rooms lie parallel to each other. The first room where the door is is the main room where they all chill, the second room is their bedroom (they share a bedroom), and the third room is the kitchen area with the bathroom at the end.
So back to the story, we get back to her apartment and her roommate is out at a cookout so we decide to have sexy time. We couldn't do it on her bed cause it was a small single bed so we decided to do it in the main room on her couch. We figured we would leave our clothes somewhat on and the door locked so we could have time to get stuff on and look presentable.
So we get to the deed and literally right before we finish we hear the door being unlocked. My heart stops and I grab my undergarments and book it to the bathroom. I was running and made it through the second room and as I'm about to make it to the bathroom I feel a squishy material under my foot. I look down and my used condom had fallen off and I stepped on it. This makes me delay and pick it up which gives her roommate enough time to open the door and catch a glimpse of me naked running into the bathroom.
Needless to say it was awkward when I came out. She was talking and trying to play it off but she knew. gf and I laughed it off for the rest of the night.
tl;dr: gf and I had sex in the main room, roommate walks in, step on used condom and get caught in act.
unsupported: Doesn't anyone hang a sock on the door knob to indicate sexy time, and prevent this from happening?
timvri: you would stop in the middle of foreplay to hang a sock on the door?
unsupported: I don't know how you handle foreplay, but yes!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410015719 | 1410122123 | t3_2fn3ar | t5_2to41 | 249 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending dirty texts to my ex.
I was sending a dirty text to my ex I had been sleeping with for the last year since we broke up. He was going on his first date since we broke up and I wanted to seduce him. I told him that he does kinky things to me in my fantasies. His reply was, "Oh yea?" My reply was, " Mmhmm orgasims for days." Unfortunately, I just received a mass text from my son's soccer team and they received my reply.
CBSAclerk: [Made this for you](http://i.imgur.com/M8gjAdd.jpg)
Edit: [Add comment section here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/2fo3xk/had_to_make_this_after_reading_the_tifu_by/)
ahesson472: For the record, he did agree to it, but I didn't do it, even though it doesn't really make it ok.
CBSAclerk: He agreed to you texting him dirty messages on his first date with another woman?
ahesson472: No he agreed to having sex with me the night before their first date.
CBSAclerk: Did I mention having sex with him the night before at all? No, no I didn't.
ahesson472: I didn't text him dirty messages when he was on a date.
CBSAclerk: Sorry started to text him dirty messages but right when they started to get dirty you accidentally sent it to your kid's soccer team, still just as morally wrong (from now on I shall just refer to this as sending him dirty messages because it's quicker and easier and everyone gets the point)
ahesson472: He was not on a date and he has not been on a date with her actually.
CBSAclerk: So why in the fuck did your TIFU say he was going on a date if he has not been on a date?
ahesson472: He was going on a date that next day but she cancelled twice, but the date is rescheduled for today . I was more upset about her cancelling on him then he was, because he is my best friend.
CBSAclerk: Sounds to me like you're bat shit crazy
ahesson472: Hmm maybe, but you don't know me so ya.
CBSAclerk: You're right I don't know you but from what I'm hearing you sound like my roommates crazy ex who tried to climb in through his second story window with a ladder because he kept sleeping with her but didn't want a relationship with her because she was super clingy/obsessive, although I blame him as well as her because he was the idiot who kept sticking his dick in crazy. Anyways point is you sound like her
ahesson472: He watches my son, takes me to the hospital, we hang out several times a week, he tells me he loves me, we only have sex like 25% of the time we hang out, we text everyday. He really is a best friend.
CBSAclerk: Ok but why did you break up? because like I said just although you may be bat shit crazy doesn't mean he isn't also a fucking dumbass who is helping to contribute to your bat shit craziness
ahesson472: Nothing to say here. I am gonna go eat ice cream now.
CBSAclerk: That's about exactly what I expected
ahesson472: I appreciate you being a dick when you I am sad though.
CBSAclerk: Yeah crazy people are sad a lot
ahesson472: I think I am going to kill myself.
CBSAclerk: Like I said, bat shit crazy
| 22 | 11.318182 | |
1410012285 | 1410019676 | t3_2fmyw5 | t5_2to41 | 12 | cats_and_vibrators: TIFU by sleeping bottom-naked
Last night it felt warm, so I took off my pants and underpants. It was storming out. I am on my period. These things are important. Normally in my life, when I sleep, there is no flow. I never understood those extra-long and huge nighttime pads because that didn't happen for me.
Last night was... irregular. I woke up in the middle of the night and it felt sticky between my thighs. I ran to the bathroom using my phone to get me there to inspect the damage. I went to flick on the bathroom light and we had no power.
I tried to engage in the cleanup process. I pulled the tampon out of me and it flung out like a trapeze artist, flinging blood all around, most notably on the wall and on the light-colored bathroom rug. I used toilet paper and the phone light to wipe myself up. I tried to wipe the wall. I tried to wipe the rug. I used enough toilet paper to mummify a chicken.
I noticed my hands looked like I came right out of Carrie, so I tried to wash them, assuming there would still be water in the pipes. There was no water, just gurgling noises. I ran to the kitchen and rinsed my hands off using a half a jug of distilled water.
When I returned to bed, I discovered a spot that resembled the sheets shown in a movie after a woman gave birth. There was no way not to sleep in it and I was far too nervous to switch to my white sheets, lest it happen again.
I went into the bathroom this morning and it looks like I had a miscarriage. There is blood still on the walls and floor, all around the sink. It's up the back of the toilet and covering the shirt I am wearing. My sheets are a disaster and I still can't shower or flush the toilet.
[deleted]: Based solely on your username, I would love to meet you.
kenaireb: Based solely on her username, I expected this to be much more exciting.
| 3 | 4 | |
1410016354 | 1410084076 | t3_2fn484 | t5_2to41 | 43 | the_rolypoly_shitter: TIFU by going to Roly Poly after class
This happened yesterday not today but I could not bring myself to type this up after it had happened. I have never had a TIFU worthy of a story but yesterday changed all of that.
So a little background of myself to put this story into perspective onto why it is such a big fuck up. I hate shitting in public, I refuse to do it. There is just something about going in your own home that beats everything else. It is relaxing, not stressful at all, and there is no time limit. I could take an hour shit if I wanted to without having to worry about someone else having to use the bathroom. I could not even tell you the last time I took a shit in a public bathroom. Until now. I could tell you now that the last time was yesterday.
Yesterday, I had 8 hours of classes 2:00-10:15. Before my last class I decided to run to the local Roly Poly because I was starving and had not eaten all day. It was right down the street so my plan was to grab a bite to eat, kill some time on Reddit, and then head to class. So I get to Roly Poly order a chicken ceaser wrap, sun chips, and a Root Beer and sit down to eat. As I am eating, out of nowhere my lower intestine screams out to me that we need to shit and it has to be now. I try to ignore it and think to myself, “nah, I can hold it until after class.” Very soon it became obvious that it wasn’t going to happen. I pack up my stuff, throw my sun chips in my bag, and throw out what was left of my food and run to the bathroom. I stick my backpack on the far corner of the bathroom (it was a pretty big single person bathroom) and go head to the porcelain throne. I wipe off the toilet seat and sit down to do the deed. After I get done shitting, I turn around and realize that this goliath of a shit was not going to flush. It was easily a foot and a half long and sitting in a poor excuse for toilet water. I debate whether to flush or not and decide to go for it. I flushed and instantly regretting doing so. The water came rushing down and the turd instantly clogged the hole. “Fuck” water was quickly filling up the toilet and there was nothing I could do about it. So what do I do? Step back and let it do its thing. Now luckily there was a drainage pipe on the floor so some of the water went into that, but the rest of the water….right towards my book bag. So I look around at what to do and in my panicked state of mind I grab the plunger. Now did I use the plunger correctly? No. I decided that I would probe the shit with the opposite end of the plunger in some attempt to pierce a hole in the wall of shit that was blocking the only thing between me and leaving with dignity. You are probably wondering if it worked. Of course not. So now I have a shit covered plunger, a clogged toilet, and am standing on a floor of shitty water. So I pull up my pants and put my backpack on my back and head to the sink to clean off the plunger. After cleaning off the shit covered plunger, I put my backpack in the sink and actually plunge the toilet correctly. What do you know, to my surprise it actually worked (I am a fucking idiot, should have done that in the first place). Now I sit back down and wipe my ass to the best of my abilities then decide fuck it I will finish wiping my ass in the school bathroom. Now I wanted to leave the bathroom in some sort of a normal condition, so I went over to the paper towel dispenser and….FUCK! These geniuses decided to put a hand sensor paper towel dispenser that put out one paper towel at a time. I was going to clean up all of the water but now that wasn’t looking like it was going to happen. Instead, I picked up all of my shit on the floor and threw that out. I was at least going to leave the bathroom looking better than what it actually looked like. After some cleanup, I put my backpack on my back, washed my hands, and headed out the door. Now of course it doesn’t end there. As I am walking out of the door an employee was walking past the bathroom at that exact moment, and had to have seen all the water in there before I shut the light off. So that was “fuck me” number 1, and “fuck me” number 2 is, because of all the water I was standing in, my shoes squeaked the whole way out of the establishment. I can never go back to that Roly Poly ever again
TL;DR: Had long day of classes, went to Roly Poly, needed to shit, shit, flood out the bathroom, shoes squeak the whole time I am leaving.
creason08: Damn! I haven't had Roly Poly since the only one in my city left. Santa Fe steak is the fucking bomb!
the_rolypoly_shitter: Yes it is
n1ggeritis: Lol
the_rolypoly_shitter: That username
FlyingMug: I have an odd sense of deja-vu now
the_rolypoly_shitter: Yeah?
mystical_empath: Watch your back, its a glitch; *they* have changed something.
| 8 | 5.375 | |
1410018842 | 1410052388 | t3_2fn7ib | t5_2to41 | 10,231 | SporadicGenius: TIFU by underestimating the power of my anus
This happened about 30 minutes ago.
I've been living in Asia for about two years now and during this time I've avoided doing "number two" in public restrooms that don't have sit down toilets.
For those of you unfamiliar with the alternative, it's basically a porcelain hole in the ground with a foot enabled flusher. These are very popular here but growing up in America left me without any crouch-poop training.
Well today the inevitable happened. While taking my father in law to the ER and waiting for hours I found myself in a bad situation. Diharrea. I could feel it coming.
You know how you test the waters by pushing just a little bit to see if it feels like an explosion waiting to happen? I pushed just enough to arrive at my anus and I could feel the cannons loading, full blast was approaching.
I walked myself into the bathroom, took a squat and let loose a fierce stream of poo. Unfortunately I missed the hole on the floor entirely, instead coating the wall and flusher with my failure.
TLDR: I chocolate rained all over the flusher.
Edit: and there goes my inbox, thanks for making my day!
Edit2: Thanks for the gold, you're awesome.
Blight327: You just didn't get low enough you poor fellow. Did you try to clean up or did you bail.
SporadicGenius: I bailed :(
dkdankong: No blame
red_redditor_: No shame
Spicy-Rolls: Just chocolate rain.
http://youtu.be/EwTZ2xpQwpA
Edit: Wow! First time I've gotten gold! Thanks!
Edit Edit: I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about.
capncrooked: * I move away from the mic to shit all over the floor
Edit: thanks, generous gilder!
InternmentCamp: Jim, is that you?
aboyd656: No, this is Patrick!
Eddie0309: The amount of references in this thread is too damn high
10J18R1A: Hide yo kids, hide yo wife
They referencing everything around here
afrustratedfapper: Like a reference in the wind, I soooaa-
DefiniteMethAddict: He's not real, I ca
Eddie0309: He's not real? Damn, that's tractor man...
| 14 | 730.785714 | |
1410018100 | 1410020960 | t3_2fn6jn | t5_2to41 | 11 | readanddream: TIFU by microwaving my sushi
Well, instead of defrosting it, I must have pushed the wrong button and I microwaved it... I don't know how the fucking defrosing works....
nerdmob: Your first mistake was buying frozen sushi.
readanddream: I love sushi, and sometimes I don't have other choices. I love sushi.
toprock30: Sushi is like sex, it's amazing but you have to get it from reliable sources.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1410017479 | 1410063990 | t3_2fn5qe | t5_2to41 | 75 | wow_such_dog: TIFU by making people laugh.
Yesterday, I went on a date with my girlfriend. We got Taco Del Mar, played Frisbee in the park, went and walked around the mall and then went to the movies. It was awesome and because we hadn't seen each other for a while, we were getting really handsy. Anyway, we went and saw Neighbors at the local theater and when we got out of the movie neither of us could contain ourselves. We drove home, got naked and were starting to do things.
After a bit, I asked her "Honey, where's the lube" because I wanted to start the main act and she cant handle it without lube.
fuuuuuuck!
the lube was empty and we had forgotten to replace it. Que frantic getting dressed and driving to the pharmacy. I grab the KY jelly and we walk up to the counter and hand it to the lady.
The tube promptly slips out of her hands and lands on the floor. Something in the back of my stupid fucking mind thinks that I should say something. "Shits pretty slick, huh!" are the first words which come to mind and I said them without thinking.
The silence was palpable. the tension lasted a good 30 seconds and it was like being in a surreal movie. It was like everything had stopped and other than the sound of the cars driving past outside there was absolute quiet.
Then a snicker. then a full on laugh from the guy behind us. soon, all ~15 people in the entire store had caught on and were absolutely dying. I'm talking tears in eyes, struggling to breath style of laughing.
I'm sitting there choking from the laughter and I look up at my girl.
she's not laughing. She is the opposite of laughing. I'm pretty sure that if she was angry enough, she could literally evaporate a country with her eyes and that's the stare that she's using on me.
I don't know how I survived her death-rays but I'm still alive so I have that going for me. ah well, I guess that I'll just have to go and get her a nice bottle of wine and some chocolate or something.
cannibalcalypso: I take it you didn't get to the Happy Ending.
wow_such_dog: No :(
It's okay, my hand and I have a solid relationship. You could say that we are really connected to each other...
cannibalcalypso: It's not the same though... Too bad.
PBJellyghoti: That's what [the stranger](http://www.mademan.com/mm/5-fun-ways-masturbate.html) is for!
cannibalcalypso: The Stranger never works for me. I guess I'm like a chick that sticks with good old missionary. Ha.
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1410018662 | 1410242017 | t3_2fn7ae | t5_2to41 | 109 | omgfuckedupbyturtle: TIFU and got beaten up by a turtle I thought was my friend.
Yesterday evening, I was taking a walk with my friend and we decided to stop at our neighborhood playground. It's dumb because we're both college-aged girls, but we mostly just sat on the swings and talked about shit.
She decided to see if she could do a pull-up (spoiler: no) while I sat on the springy riding turtle. We had fun. I named him Raphael. When I was ready to get up, I leaned all the way back and dropped off, letting the turtle fly forward. What I wasn't expecting was for him to snap back and nail me right in the crotch. I spent the next fifteen minutes rolling in the mulch, clutching my vagina and choking back tears. My friend was also crying in pain, from laughing her ass off. I thought it was funny, too, once my girl-parts started hurting less. I limped back to her place with her and iced it. My lady business was all bruised to shit, yo.
That was last night. It's still sensitive to the touch, but has returned to its normal, peachy (lol) color. I don't think I'll be touching it recreationally for a while though.
MechaMew2: At least you weren't in front of the turtle and only got the kickback. I once met a guy who put his face in front of a springy horse and got his skull caved in. He needed major reconstructive surgery and still kind of looks like a puppet.
TuMadreTambien: I do not doubt this at all. The springs on those things are just as large and strong as the ones used on cars, if not more (at least the ones I have seen). Ask any mechanic who works on suspensions and they will tell you that they have a healthy respect for and possibly a bit of fear of those springs. Knowing the power behind those springs personally, I am surprised by the fact that they are used on a playground. Here is a post from a subreddit frequented by mechanics that shows a similar spring that has slipped out of place in a tool designed to compress the spring for installation. Read the comments from several professional mechanics (even the title), and you will see that these are dangerous things. The spring in the photo is compressed about the same as you would see on a playground: http://www.reddit.com/r/Justrolledintotheshop/comments/27d68u/run/
[deleted]: Weight of child and a playground toy - not much.
Force applied by garage grade spring compressor - many many tons.
So not the same at all. In a playground the force is a lateral one, and no tension is held in the spring other than a small amount when a child gently rocks back and forth.
Retarded adults pinning it to the floor and then firing it into peoples heads/crotches is dangerous. By the same token a door is dangerous if you stick your head/testicles in it and some moron turbocharges it shut at 100m/s.
Misuse of equipment doesn't make the equipment bad.
TuMadreTambien: I did not say it was necessarily bad, but I do not like the things, particularly when I see adults on them. There is far too much potential energy in those springs. I'm sure the guy who needed reconstructive surgery on his face would agree. As far as a spring compressor is concerned, you are correct, there is a lot of force behind it. But the spring in the photo is not really compressed at that point. It is just not secured. You can see that much or more flex in a spring on the playground with an adult in the seat. The real danger, and the incidents that make me really nervous are when there are adults riding on these things with children nearby. An adult acting stupid could very easily kill a child with one of these things.
| 5 | 21.8 | |
1410021562 | 1410022183 | t3_2fnbj9 | t5_2to41 | 1 | brows141: TIFU by letting my wife use my tablet.
I had been perusing the newest posts on /r/gonewild last night and decided to get to bed early for once. Forgot to close the explorer window I was using and left a picture of a lovely lady's ass, hand between the legs fingering herself. My wife decided to use my tablet today since hers wasn't charged. Well she used it for about an hour and didn't say a word. I know she saw it because when I took my tablet a short while later it was on the front screen as soon as I unlocked it. I feel embarrassed and don't think I can bring myself to discuss this with her. We have a perfectly normal sex life and to make matters worse we did it this this morning right before she used my tablet.Oh well I guess I'll just play dumb and hope she doesn't say anything.
MasterBBVD: Why not say "hun, I've been browsing this sub Reddit and I think you should post a picture of yourself" make her feel like the fact that she'd post on there turns you on more than any other woman
DadMomUncle: I'll be there waiting. ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1410015501 | 1410030327 | t3_2fn30m | t5_2to41 | 7 | Figjewtons_: TIFU by running out of post-it notes.
A few days ago, I decided to start making a triforce on the wall of my dorm out of post-it notes. I messed up by misjudging the amount of post-its I had, so I ran out. At this time, my roommate left to go grab food. I also had my boyfriend over, and we wanted to have some fun. So, I shoot my roommate a text, "hey, can I have the room for a bit?" She replied, "sure," and we were off. We finish up, and suddenly the door handle starts wiggling. The boyfriend leaps out pf my bed, runs toward the bathroom, and shuts the door. Now I'm naked, trying to scramble a blanket to put on top of me, and our clothes are all over the floor. She comes in, looks at the floor, looks at me, back at the floor, and asks "what happened?" I hid my face under the blanket, and the only thing I could say was, "I ran out of post-it notes."
PvtJepperson: What happened to getting some time? My roommate does this to me too.
Figjewtons_: I honestly think that she forgets.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410021743 | 1410526362 | t3_2fnbt7 | t5_2to41 | 42 | drifter15: TIFU by making a stupid bet with a friend
I made a bet with a good friend yesterday on who would win on Thursday between the Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks on Thursday 4 September. He is a diehard Seahawks fan and I have little interest in football, I was bored and slightly drunk. The bet was the loser had to wear diapers all weekend long and do whatever the winner says. I lost and had Friday to collect the diapers and the punishments start today. He started off leaving my punishment in the hands of you guys. Only rules established were to avoid anything illegal, avoid public nudity if possible, no pain, no blood, and no eating or pics. He wanted me to add for the 'fun' of it, that anything goes if it does not violate the above rules and that he encourages the use of bodily waste.
Update #1: He has me now in only diaper and pacifier while home. Anytime I have to go anywhere in my car, I have to put on a pair of beige shorts, unbutton and unzip them, and use the diaper before I get back home or I have to go on another walk and the distance will increase incrementally.
Update #2: That was humiliating, just got changed by my buddies gf and all he could do was laugh hysterically. I was stuck on the ground with her changing me, I just couldn't hold it any longer.
[Pacifier](http://i.imgur.com/QQFwZE3.jpg)
[Diapers](http://i.imgur.com/HpNuYmF.jpg)
[Harness](http://i.imgur.com/c6c96jN.jpg)
[Me in diaper](http://i.imgur.com/CM13HpN.jpg)
This is Paul, the friend mentioned above. The diaper-baby is currently being changed out of a piss filled diaper. I think you guys can come up with some better, weirder and crazier stuff than this. These are good and all, but let's take it to the next level. Get him dancing outside in only the diaper or smearing something all over himself, just think of the craziest thing you can and post it... He is coming back, so get weird and messy. Thing embarrassing and humiliating.
Ruff_Dog: If this is still happening, make him have fits in public and freak out. Really, really make a scene. Then announce to everyone that he has wet himself.
drifter15: Paul again, he is being changed out of another wet diaper. You think he should be changed in public with his pacifier in mouth?
Ruff_Dog: Hell yes!
drifter15: You think I should have him walk around in it wet until he poops as well, or would that be too much?
Ruff_Dog: It's never too much! Make him do it.
drifter15: Paul here, the amount of attention drawn to us while this was done in the middle of the mall was astounding. He refused to and began to throw a tantrum, so we changed him while he was standing up. As soon as the diaper was seen, people really started to watch and laugh. Once the diaper came off, he began to cry and whimper, the crowd howled with laughter. Once everything was done, I forced him to walk back to the car in only a T-shirt and diaper because he refused to cooperate.
Ruff_Dog: Oh, God. You should've taken a picture or two for ultimate humiliation and blackmail.
drifter15: Was too busy laughing my ass off
Ruff_Dog: It would've been the *ultimate* blackmail!
drifter15: Who said I didn't have pics?
Just let a friend take them and send them to me. Not posting pictures to protect what little bit of dignity he has left, but this weekend's events may be repeated for future enjoyment and ridicule...
Ruff_Dog: Sweet. I hope to see a new thread like this one.
drifter15: [Part 2 is up](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2g66ct/tifu_by_making_a_bet_pt_2/)
Ruff_Dog: Sweet.
| 14 | 3 | |
1410022186 | 1410055226 | t3_2fncho | t5_2to41 | 179 | [deleted]: TIFU ripping my anus with a killer poop
This happened few years ago when I liked testing all kinds of diets. For a time I've been on keto diet. For those who don't know it's a diet where you can eat everything except carbs. That mean lots of proteins and fats.
For a while it was going well, but after some time I've started noticing a bit of constipation. I quickly googled food with lots of fiber and little carbs. The best solution was some kind of nuts. I chose peanuts because I fucking love peanuts. So I bought a huge sack of peanuts and started stuffing them to my mouth expecting for a nice poop tomorrow. I ate like 500 grams of them and was sure it would be enough.
Next morning I felt super full and quickly went for a poop. I sat down and was ready for a bliss. But it never actually came. I couldnt get the poop out no matter how much I've tried. So I thought I'd try it tomorrow.
So. Another morning came. Today I was ready to conquer the stubborn poop I couldn't give birth to. I sat down and started straining. Finally something huge and incredibly painful started to come out of me. I had constipation before, but this time it was different. I felt like the poop was cutting my asshole. The pain was excruciating. I quickly realised what a mistake I made by eating so many peanuts. Most of them werent properly digested and now turned into small sharp bits which encrusted my hard poop like diamonds encrust a bracelet.
So there I was having a huge poop stuck on it's way out cutting me and making me pray to all deities of the universe. I kept straining and straing. Finally, after few minutes the poop at last went out and I quickly looked down to check the baby I've just birthed. There it was. Huge and long. And it was FUCKING COVERED IN BLOOD. I was terrified because I never saw blood coming out of my ass. I wiped until TP didnt have any blood on it. I quickly googled ripped asshole and found out I had anal fissure.
The following week was torture. I quickly stopped my diet and started eating shit ton of vegetables. But still, my poops were rippimg my ass all over again each morning. It was real pain in the ass. 1/10 experience. Would not do it again.
Tl;dr ripped my ass while giving birth to peanut encrusted poop.
DadMomUncle: Maybe go to a doctor?
LightInMe: It happened few years ago :) I'm good as new!
lexbi: I would still get a doctor to put a finger in there, just to check...
lenswipe: maybe get someone to put a dick in there...just to be sure?
| 5 | 35.8 | |
1410023579 | 1410034210 | t3_2fnemw | t5_2to41 | 4 | The_Babby: TIFU by buying a headset for my computer.
So I bought a gaming headset for my Mac today (I have windows on it so I can still play games). I don't know much about headsets, so I just grabbed a Turtle Beach X12 gaming headset, which claimed to have PC compatibility. I get home, tear open the box, and start setting up. This is where the problem shows up: my Mac has a single headset thing in the back of it. This headset needs one for headphone, one for the mic, and a USB port. I have everything but the hole for the mic. Any ideas would be appreciated.
TL;DR: I bought a headset that doesn't work with my computer.
Deathice94: try switching to pc, much better for gaming and actually have the ports you need. Also, try returning headset and buying one for mac
TheStrokerAce: Try returning your Mac and buy a PC.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410025132 | 1410028918 | t3_2fnh2l | t5_2to41 | 8 | iWhisky: TIFU by fucking up a neighbor's car
This happened to me back in 2008, I was 11 years old and didn't have anything to do as we were in summer in our apartment (back from vacations for one night my parents had something to do) so I was bored like hell and my older sister was using the computer. I was chilling, reading some funny comic books those one page gags, and one of them featured someone doing a prank on his schoolmates throwing water balloons at them and this is where I fucked up. I thought of filling plastic with water instead of balloons and throwing them off the balcony, fourth floor apartment would be fun but I've never been so wrong. The problem is there's a parking lot down there, so after a couple of bags my hands were watery and throwing the third it kinda slipped and went down 25 meters right on a car's roof, making a huge sound and the car's owner was just below me, saw his car then looked right up as I went back in the living room just as he saw me and realized what just happened. At first I thought " Meh nothing bad must have happened to his car it's just water " but then again I was wrong, 10 minutes later the concierge ringed from downstairs asking me what the hell did I do and why did I fuck up his car. My heart beat was increasing more and more, but I ignored him and tried to calm myself. When my parents got back home an hour later, they were REALLY pissed at me and asked me a lot of questions thinking I threw a bag full of stones. They said His car roof was fucked badly, luckily he was so nice he didn't even ask them for repair cost (something like a hundred bucks). I've never felt so retarded that day.
TL;DR: Was bored as hell, imitated something funny I read in comic books and fucked up someone's car.
This isn't his car but it looked like this:
http://img.thesun.co.uk/aidemitlum/archive/00835/SNN3023A-682_835168a.jpg
Social_Norm: I'm not an auto body specialist, but that seems like more than $100 of damage.
iWhisky: Actually yes, but I wasn't sure because the impact was more centered so the wind shield and windows didn't crack.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410025388 | 1410027144 | t3_2fnhgv | t5_2to41 | 39 | Dereavy: TIFU by saying two words.
I am now banned from my computer for a week. My sister was working on a presentation, and apparently was doing a lot of important stuff on the internet, I didn't know any of this, so when my sister asked me how to take a screenshot, I naturally replied "Alt F4". All was calm for a bit then I heard my name being screamed throughout the house, it was hilarious, until my mum (who doesn't know anything about internet history) went on about how it's been hours that my sister has been looking up for all the different sites and that she will have to start all over again.
TL,DR: My sister asked me how to take a screenshot, I replied "Alt F4"
(P.S. do not try Alt F4 right now and FYI: My sister got everything back in place 5 minutes later.)
Big_Phat_Doobie: Dude that ain't your fault, she should've known.
Next time she asks how to do something tell her to delete system32, it'll be hilarious. Also make sure to post here about how you 'fucked up'.
yellowtag: Yeah, she actually trusted his advice because she's computer illiterate.
Well at least now she won't bother asking him for computer help anymore.
| 3 | 13 | |
1410026201 | 1410141885 | t3_2fnipx | t5_2to41 | 77 | johnforner21: TIFU by going to my dead cousins birthday party
okay I'm still hungover at this moment so if there's some misspellings or anything like that please forget me this happened last night.
now let me give you a little bit of background first my cousin committed suicide on April 17th of this year I was unable to attend his funeral I was unable to attend his funeral partially because I was out of town at the time and also because I didn't want to me and him never really got along. so last night when given the opportunity I said why not I put all my shit aside go over there meet up with some of his old friends and talk about the few good times that I had with him I was not informed that we were going to be drinking so but it was his birthday we were celebrating his life so why not. well after three hours of drinking and constantly hearing how great of a guy my cousin was I was pretty drunk at the time and my anger got the best of me I said exactly what I thought of him. and how I thought it was ironic that over a hundred people showed up to celebrate his birthday celebrate the birthday of a meth head alcoholic steroid using hypocritical piece of shit who shot himself in the head to avoid child support payments and then just like everything else in his life blamed it on his mother. needless to say everybody there was pissed off at me and pretty much wanted to kick my ass I managed to get out they were out getting my ass kicked but I don't think his dad is going talk to me for a very long time.
TIFU:by getting fucked up and telling the truth
TheDemonClown: I've never understood this behavior of hero worshipping every single dead person. Someone like Robin Williams, sure - he was a fucking awesome human being. But your cousin, like lots of others, sounds like a fucking asshole, but everyone magically forgets that and tries to make them out to be a saint. Fuck that - if someone was a complete piece of shit in life, we shouldn't forget the hell they caused just because they're dead.
[deleted]: Robin Williams did hurt his children terribly by killing himself.
TheDemonClown: His kids are all adults. It's not like he left an infant to be raised in an orphanage or something.
1v1mecunt: Emotional pain u insensitive tool.
TheDemonClown: I'm aware that it sucks - I'm not insensitive to that. My point, though, is that he wasn't a piece of shit who left his kids to starve & was a dick to people his whole life.
[deleted]: That's funny. I thought he was a dick all his life. That manic energy was insane. I couldn't stand the man. Once his oldest son was hanging out with him and he had to ask his dad to stop doing the bit. And please act normal. How would you like a father flapping around constantly like Williams? His bit was all on the outside. When did he ever come down and act real and not do the annoying voices and waving hands?
TheDemonClown: Have you never seen like, interviews with him? He was much more subdued than you seem to think he was, he just tended to play to his audience and ham it up a lot.
| 8 | 9.625 | |
1410027043 | 1413024984 | t3_2fnk2o | t5_2to41 | 3 | strapiton1: TIFU by fucking my bf in the ass.
I'm a female. I met my (now ex) bf online. He lived about 5 hours away. The very first day we met, he drove the 5 hours to my place just to catch a movie with me and then drove back home. He was gorgeous and I was instantly attracted.
Fast forward 6 months, we decide to move in together. He packed up his things and moved to my city. We got an apartment together.
One night he asked if I'd be interested in bringing some sex toys into our lives. I thought, 'why not?'. He said he'd go and pick some up while I was at work. When I got home from work, he showed me his purchases: a dildo, a vibrator, and a strap-on. Now, I had never thought about using a strap-on, unless of course it was on another girl. That wasn't his intention. He told me he'd always thought about using one and asked if I'd be down. I thought again, 'why not?'.
That night we decided to use it. I strapped it on myself and put some lube on it. He was in a doggy-style position. I asked if he was ready and he told me to go ahead. Much to my surprise, it glided right in with no resistance. Now, I've had anal sex before and it had never been that easy for me to take a dick in there. Yet, here my bf was taking it like a champ.
Fast forward another 2 months and it was nearing Christmas. I was using his laptop and it was open to his email account. Of course, I decided to snoop since it was opened already, and boy, was I glad I did!
I found a whole bunch of emails from him to random transgender men on craigslist asking them for sex - even offering to pay for it. Then there was an email from him asking a man for tips on how to pass as a woman himself. I then went into a snooping frenzy and found things like brand new XL women's panties, women's clothing, a used buttplug and anal beads, and a pamphlet on male breast implants.
Anyways, we broke up. I got tested for everything under the sun. I'm clean, so that's good.
TLDR: Fucked bf in the butt with strap-on, went right in, should've taken the hint. Bf was banging transgenders on the side, wanted to become one himself.
[deleted]: Great story, to bad it's fake.
strapiton1: I'm flattered that you think it's so great that it couldn't possibly be true.
[deleted]: Explain to me what exactly "Male breast implants" are and how they are different then other breasr implants. Also before you try this again you do realize transwoman, the proper term, grow their own breast. 3/10 obviously fake.
strapiton1: I have no idea what the difference is, I only know the pamphlet I found was targeted towards men. Also, just because I don't know all the 'politically correct' terms for transgender/transexuals, doesn't mean I'm telling a fake story. It means I'm ignorant.
[deleted]: Maybe so but the fact that you refuse to change your post proves you are a bigot at least.
WingedEgg: I'm a transgender girl and I didn't take offence by the term 'transgender'. Some people generalize everyone and just say 'tranny' or w/e which is wayy more offensive.
What I did find disrespectful is where you put 'wanted to become transgender'. It should be 'become a woman' or something like that, although some people have this weird sexual fetish by getting breasts, wearing female clothing for the sole purpose of some getting off it without being transgender at all. He sounds like one of them to be honest, didn't know like he was serious about it at all, although I could be wrong.
Being a transgender girl, I find it hard to believe a transgender woman would even date or touch another girl.
just_temping: > Being a transgender girl, I find it hard to believe a transgender woman would even date or touch another girl.
I know lot's of trans women who exclusively date other women, and some of them specifically only date other trans women. It's definitely not unheard of.
| 8 | 0.375 | |
1410025655 | 1410126635 | t3_2fnhvc | t5_2to41 | 2,361 | ASlimShadyLurkin: TIFU by turning on my old phone and sending a picture of my penis to a girl
So this started way back on my birthday in 2012. I decided to treat myself for it and bought a new phone. On my way home a girl I had been going out with sent me a sexy pic wishing me a happy birthday. Great, as soon as I got in the door I took one of my erect penis to send back to her but as I hit send it said "Sending Failed" (My appartment has shitty reception) so I click retry and place it by the window, at which point in dies. Instead of charging it and pressing send I realise that this is the best time to test out the camera on my new phone. I take out the sim card, out my old phone into a drawer, turn on my new phone, send her a picture of my penis.
Me and this girl dated for a while longer but she wanted to be serious and start focusing on her career. I wanted to travel and experience as many things as I could. All in all in was a pretty nasty break up, much worse than it should have been for two people that wanted such different things.
At the start of this Summer I was going to a festival with my current girlfriend and didnt want to bring anything of too much value so I go and find my old phone. I had that little moment everyone has had thinking about how I used to use a phone so small compared to the phone I use now. Plug it in to the charger, put my old sim card back into it and finish off packing. I didnt turn it on until I was on the bus nearly at the festival when my girlfriend asked if she could ring one of her friends to see where they were. Turned it on and as I was handing it to my girlfriend it vibrates with "Delivery Successful" on the screen.
I think nothing of it and give it to my girlfriend to call her friend. By the time she's off the phone 3 texts have come in. I was being a man and carrying most of the stuff so I asked her to read them out to me. Well holy shitballs was that a bad idea. They were all from the ex, getting angrier - "What the actual fuck" "What the fuck is wrong with you" (This is when I start to wonder whats going on). "You dont talk to me in over a year and the first contact is a picture of your dick" My girlfriend stopped walking and her tone changed significantly halfway through the last one.
It took about 15 minutes of me swearing to anything I could that I didnt send anyone a picture of my penis for her to let me see my phone. When I finally got it I checked the Photo gallery and the date on the picture that was sent in the message was taken back in 2012.
I may have proven myself right, that I wasnt cheating on her or flirting with anyone but fuck was that a rough start to the weekend.
TL;DR Turned on my old phone, sent a picture of my penis to my ex, asked my current gf to read the texts I had received
DjManEX: A TIFU 2 years in the making
XPVids: Sounds like a movie trailer.
**This fall, prepare yourself for a TIFU 2 years in the making, as /u/ASlimShadyLurkin is thrown into a world of danger with the delivery of a single photo. He can trust no one, and must prove his innocence, or face dire consequences. In theaters 9/6/14.**
yomandenver: *Adam Sandler stars in 'Wrong Number.'*
MitsuneBewbs: *Featuring Rob Schneider!*
Mysterious_Andy: *… as the penis!*
ottothepup: What a dick
| 7 | 337.285714 | |
1410028427 | 1410029699 | t3_2fnm7v | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to a strip club
So I was bored and wandering around my town and I was approached to go to a strip club and said yeah why not, anyway as I get there a woman approaches me flirts with me and asks if I want to use my dance card with her she looked amazing so why not, like an idiot she says we can have longer if we pay more so I end up paying £100 for a 45 minute dance because she told me we would get very naughty.
After the dance she tells me she escorts and that we could go for 1 hour so me being a complete fucking and idiot and being drunk as fuck say fuck it sure, she tells me I could pay by cash or card in the club then she would meet at a hotel she was staying at nearby, never saw her and the club was closed when I got back, so I feel like shit and I'm down £240 (Paid by card in the club for the hour). I feel terrible that I even went in, then paid for a dance and then even paid for what would have been sex :( not a good day at all
Edit: Formatting
darjamsin: There are two sentences in that paragraph.
Justvotingupordown: I thought this was /r/todayjamesjoycefuckedup?
darjamsin: This is /r/tifu/
| 4 | 1 | |
1410030191 | 1410041711 | t3_2fnovw | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching a video of fishermen using kittens as bait
I used to have actual emotions but now I just feel some sort of weird John Travolta nothingness..
Abergoon: You have become desensitised. Watching LiveLeak (and other, much worse sites) did that to me years ago.
[deleted]: Same here. But I can't be watching Animals getting hurt.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410030981 | 1410048810 | t3_2fnq3t | t5_2to41 | 101 | kill-me-pls: TIFU by having diarrhea and a boner during a meeting.
This happened yesterday in a meeting at work. I'm still utterly reeling from it.
The back story is that I've been sick the past couple of days, but nothing that I couldn't go to work on. My stomach was giving me problems and I had a head cold, but it was manageable for sure. I've also been on no-fap about a month and half now.
Then yesterday I was sitting around a table in a meeting that was incredibly boring. My mind was wandering by about 20 minutes in, and I started to think about the last girl I had sex with, getting really horny. Being on nofap for so long, I got a boner. But midboner, I felt my stomach going crazy. Not a problem, just need to go to the restroom.
No one cares if you slip out of meetings where I work if I have to, so I planned to get up after I fixed with the boner situation. I'd read from reddit that if you squeeze your thighs and buttocks together, the blood from your dick flows into those muscles and the boner will leave. So I start squeezing them and my butt a bunch of times.
As I'm doing that, though... another wave of upset stomach hits me, and I shoot out a shart. To make things exponentially worse, I do one of those incredibly embarrassing what-the-fuck-was-I-thinking things where I tried to move around in an attempt cover up the sound. Only I was so surprised that a shart came that I ended up flailing and drawing more attention to myself. The girl next to me is looking at me like, "Are you okay?"
I'm sitting there with no idea whether or not the shart was now seeping through my khakis, and I had to get the fuck out of there fast... But I still had the boner. I did my best to get it to at least a semi in about 5 seconds, but eventually had to stand up like a fucking idiot not-so-subtly placing my hands in front of my crotch. I just zoomed out to the bathroom. Shart had, indeed, seeped through to the back of my pants.
I am never going there again. I can't.
TIFU.
Jarbatalapus: Plot Twist: OP only got the boner *after* the shart.
thatguy2137: Double Plot Twist: OP got the boner *because* of the Shart
Jarbatalapus: \>Implying that wasn't what I was implying
| 4 | 25.25 | |
1410032273 | 1410126606 | t3_2fns3u | t5_2to41 | 34 | Megas_Matthaios: TIFU by peeing on my girlfriend's brother.
This was actually a few years ago. I didn't have Reddit at that time. We've broken up since then, but not because of this. So, to get to the story. It was my girlfriend her brother and me in her car. She was driving, I was in the passenger seat, and her brother in back. We were driving down the interstate when I said “I have to go to the restroom” She said, “Then go, you’re a guy”, her brother agreed. I said, “Okay, well first get in from of this truck.” A couple minutes later, we pass the truck and it’s far enough behind for me to do what I want. I roll the window down, and try to figure this out. I couldn't stand out the window, with half my body hanging out, while driving down the interstate. I decide lean my seat back a little to try and angle myself, so I could plop “it” out the window. It seems to work, so I start peeing out the window, when all of the sudden I hear her brother yell “AHHHHH STOP, STOP, STOP IT” I’m thinking…what why is he saying to stop…he agreed for me to do this. I look back over my shoulder and his window is down. My pee is going out my window, and flying back into his. I then turn around to look at him. This guy is sitting in the middle of the car, with not 1 seat belt on him, but THREE seat belts. I don’t know how he managed to do this but he did. His arms were down by his side, with his forearms and hands in the air still yelling. It was all over him. I assume he got some in his mouth from yelling, pretty gross. We finally get off the interstate and now my girlfriend is mad. It confused me, because she was just laughing hysterically. Her brother was even laughing in the end.
TL;DR don’t leave the back window rolled down, if a person is peeing out the front.
Jarbatalapus: TIFU by misreading, "peeing on my girlfriend's boner"
Also, how I imagine this situation: http://i.imgur.com/7kHDFiP.jpg
Megas_Matthaios: This was really funny imagining.
Jarbatalapus: The drawing, or the boner?
Megas_Matthaios: I was imagining if that's how it really happened :P
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1410032658 | 1410034433 | t3_2fnspk | t5_2to41 | 7 | DeWittness: TIFU by Shitting My Shirt.
I just started working for a multimillion dollar fashion company. It was my first day in the office of their headquarters. I was wearing a brand-new, button-up shirt, all business-like. I'm nervous, but have myself disguised as a young professional.
One too many coffees (which is one single cup) and my IBS came pounding at my backdoor. I ran to the bathroom, barely made it to the bowl, and unloaded. After a relieving, pure liquid shit, I wiped. To my horror, when I stood up I could feel a warm, wet sensation on my lower back. "This can't be happening. I can't have given myself a brown, damp tramp-stamp."
I panicked and took off both of my shirts. It seeped through both of them. I left the stall, quickly wet a paper towel, and squirted some soap on it. I return to the safety of the stall. I just rubbed it in, making it much worse. Shit. Literally. I threw away the undershirt and returned to my desk with a big wet mark on my back.
The friend that recommended me for the job was the only one who noticed. He asked "Dude, what happened to your shirt?" I replied, "Maybe I'll send you the TIFU link." I sat in my chair smelling my own feces all day. Off to a great start.
TL;DR I wiped poop on my shirt on the first day of a new job.
Jarbatalapus: >I sat in my chair smelling my own feces all day.
The word "like" can be *very* important sometimes.
DeWittness: Like, I sat in my chair smelling my own feces all day.
Jarbatalapus: [Click](http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/12/124784/3536876-5081392435-idont.gif)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410030401 | 1410118997 | t3_2fnp8a | t5_2to41 | 202 | thewrongword: TIFU by being a horny college student in a nasty dry spell.
My TIFU, like many, did not actually happen today.
**Some background:** I was an engineering student who was going on a bit of yearlong dry spell. I had transferred schools and blah blah blah [insert engineer time excuse here]. I was living with one of my best friends from high school who took it upon himself to break my chaste existence. We started going out nightly on the weekends ("My that's expensive for a college student!" you might say but our bar had $1.00 PBRs on tap).
So this one night comes along and we make it out. We start dancing and within 5 minutes I'm dancing with a very nice looking girl. 2-3 hours after some not-suitable-for-young-audiences dancing and a few adult beverages we leave to get some shitty Mexican food at the only place open at 2:30 in the morning. We're making out, dry spell me can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
*Quick sidebar: I seem to attract only women who are looking exclusively for relationships or those who are already in relationships, without finding out which until later.*
So I do find out some basics about this soon-to-be-closed deal: name, recently graduated student, etc. and one more crucial bit about how she's staying with a friend because she's not from here. "Perfect" I'm thinking, NSA for sure. So we make it back to my place, a couple short blocks from shitty Mexican food, and the deed is done, hallelujah!
I'm feeling great, I just got laid and broke an extremely long dry spell. **Mistake 1:** she stayed over and we watched the football game the next day because her friend had to work all day. **Mistake 2:** we talk all day and I didn't realize until now "visiting" means she's from 30 minutes up the road at another, lesser school. So fuck. Stupid me, in my haste, hooked up with a girl who, odds are, is looking for a relationship or is already in one and lives over the hill and not so far away.
She leaves after an afternoon quickie and I get to talking with my roommate about my broken streak. This is when he nonchalantly mentions he's met her through friends of friends and, btw, **Mistake 3:** she's married.
***Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck***.
Horny me was stuck in a pickle. The sex was amazing (and also better than none at all) but she now knew where I lived and I really didn't want an angry husband knocking on my door. So, being a dumbass, I hook up again and ask her about it afterwards. Apparently she is married but her and hubby are split up now for a while after some infidelitous acts on his part. Cool, now we start having regular sexy time because "It's fine, they're split up." Now, big red flag that I missed, I didn't meet her friend group, ever, because her and her soon-to-be ex had been putting on a facade for friends and family while they quietly split things up.
Fast forward a couple months, dead week of particularly hard quarter. I'm neck deep getting projects done and studying for exams and she comes over, stressed and on the verge of tears.
"I'm late"
Mind you, she claimed to be on BC and we used condoms **every** time. To this day I don't know how this happened but she ended up having many a screw loose so I'll chalk it up to that. She has taken several tests and confirmed the bad news. I have zero doubts on the course of action but she is maybe **Mistake 4:** super religious. We talk and talk and talk. She knows that I'm moving in a couple months and we were never really going to last beyond that. Despite her devotion, she can be logical at times (thankfully this was one). She's struggling with the decision though, even though we both agreed that it is the best course of action. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with finals and eventually have to take an incomplete (super cool prof, thanks for your help) in a class. After the termination she goes into depression. She doesn't talk to me very often and we decide to go separate ways. Whew.
I've been seeing another girl now, a great relationship, for almost 6 months while I've been in the city working. Out of the blue, I'm contacted by her. She's in town visiting family and wants to catch up. **Mistake 5:** I agree and we talk for a while. Turns out she got back together with her ex and then split again (like I said, screws loose), her newest job is crazy, she's super stressed, seeing a counselor and taking meds for depression. We talk for a while and eventually go back to my place because she's parked there. Things got a little heavy and she admits she still has feelings for me. Dammit. I though this was going to be clean. Also, her brother lives two blocks away from me. Great. *Fast forward to yesterday*, I get a text from her saying she is leaving Old College Town and moving up with her family, possibly her brother. Now I will likely have a crazy ex who partially blames me for her now shitty life living 600 meters away.
**TL;DR** Hooked up with a crazy married chick while in college, she got pregnant, had an abortion, we broke up, she got more crazy, now she is going to live right next to me.
Sorry for the saga but had to get it all out. Feels good.
Hamypig: I think the main fuck up is continuing to have sex with her after finding out she's crazy.
thewrongword: Yeah, I was an idiot. I even disregarded some friends suggestions to bail out...
[deleted]: You are still an idiot. I'm going to give you the best advice here, stop talking to her completely. Block her number, etc, and move on. Also move.
alpinegirl14: She seems to just be a grieving girl. Clearly not a smart one, but still a person. Instead of just completely ignoring her, at least give her the courtesy of knowing how you feel and your situation. Just try to be friends with her, and if that doesn't work, then cut off contact.
| 5 | 40.4 | |
1410034847 | 1410119887 | t3_2fnw4t | t5_2to41 | 8 | meepmeep723: TIFU Feel like crap. Ran over a dog.
Was leaving an acquaintances house, was backing out of a dead end street (culdesac) and had a car waiting to get past me, I went forward felt two thumps and when I looked back I see a small black dog and blood. Fuck. Owner was outside, I got down to check guy charges at me cusses me out I apologize frantically and tell him I own two dogs and that it was a complete accident, woman runs out of house screams guy is grabs me from the neck screams in pain and tells me to leave. I'm guessing the dog was asleep in the sun, ugh. Just mad at the fact the guy in the oncoming truck didn't say anything or warn me. But why allow your dog to sleep on the middle of the road. WHY.
Was going to post this in legal advice but I read that there's not much to do, or that can be done to me. Although I feel like crap I'm relieved I can't really be held liable, financially I am not well off at all, (recent college grad). But the image of blood and pain is more than enough punishment. ;___;
my_meat_is_grass_fed: I'm so very sorry this happened to you. One of my biggest dreads, whether it's somebody's pet or a squirrel running in front of my car. You're right, though, somebody - whether the driver of the vehicle if he could see the dog, or the dog's owner (who, ultimately, had complete responsibility for the safety of his dog), should have advised you the dog was there, and made sure the animal got out of the way. Legal liability or no, this was not your fault, and while it is normal to grieve, I hope it doesn't upset your life for too long.
meepmeep723: Yeah at this point I am more upset with the owner, the middle of the street is no place for a dog to sleep.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410024430 | 1410043892 | t3_2fnfzf | t5_2to41 | 2 | Chem_chem: TIFU by almost drowning at Dongfest 2010
As with many of the submitted TIFU's, this did not happen today. Back in high school I lived in a 'normal' suburban neighborhood, but attended a public school in an extremely affluent town. I hung out with most of the normal, but one of my friend's parents did exceptionally better than the rest. What that meant is he didn't have a job because of Daddy money, didn't give a fuck about grades because he was guaranteed into any B-List 50K/year private school, and because he had no apparent self-worth (he was massively insecure about himself) he always gave away free shit and favors. We all know that kid, let's call him Gatsby.
So Gatsby and I have been tight for a few years, and he tells me he finally got a hold of a keg of… (I forget, some Generic American Pisswater) didn't fucking matter it was a fucking keg. Every year Gatsby throws this summer blow-out party and I've never been able to go, I had a job and my days were taken up. This was a night party; a 16-year old me was all like 'fuck ya'. Beer is scarce when you are five years under the legal age minimum. Now I see this kid texting and Facebooking ,and for some fucking reason Myspacing (it was 2010), every person in a 30 mile radius of his home. This was a bad sign.
Here is something you need to know about Gatsby, he's not the most popular guy. Oh, ^(how ^do ^I ^put ^this ^gently) he's kind of an asshole to people by acciedent. He's not offensive or malicious to other people, just off. He tends to say stupid shit, talk twice as loud as the room volume, sucks at grammar, is clumsy and just a general air-head. Now people don't like him because he personally offended them, but his social reception rivals that of [Ralph Wiggum](http://media3.giphy.com/media/9jy651RcYYBGw/200_s.gif) from the Simpsons; blissfully unaware that he is the ass-end of an ongoing joke. For those in the room where their heads are so firmly in the sand that you never read *The Great Gatsby*, or seen any of the two movie adaptations, Jay Gatsby throws wild blow-out parties in a cute-but-sad effort to attract the love of his life to house. Welp, my Ralph Gatsby threw parties hoping anybody with opposite genitalia would show up.
Let's do some shitty math for a moment , he invited about 60 people. Now with any party the rule of thumb is only 1/10 would not reply, 2/3 say they are going to come, and then only ½ of the original do but they bring guest so it evens out. He invited 12 guys and the rest female. 1 guy said he won't show up, 12 girls said they would. Including me, 11 people show up. All guys. Every girl who told him they would show up bailed. Every. Single.[ One.]( http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/e4/80/74/e48074ffb9cec4aff659c49cb18f3e72.jpg). This will kill the vibe for the rest of the party.
Oh, remembered why I don't remember what beer there was, because there wasn't any. His guy fell through. Now for this reason alone I wanted to bail, but out of some weird mix of loyalty and pity I stayed. This is my fuck up #1 for the night. Dongfest 2010 is underway.
So the party was a flop for the most part. Just talking about stupid or useless shit, a game of basketball, some burgers and shit in the pool. The pool was nothing special, diving board at the deep end and plastic basketball hoop at the other. There was really nothing going on but the dudes casually throwing a tiny rubber ball into the hoop or attempting something stupid off the diving board. I was so fucking board I made planking cool again.
Buddy of mine gives me an idea, tackle whoever is currently holding a rubber ball. No double-dog dares, no "5 bucks says you won't", just do it. And I did. Thrice. This is my fuck up #2. I done goofed. Naturally the kids in questions were upset, I just tacked them in the pool for completely no reason, and I don't have any defense for it. It was an ass thing to do. But now there is an air of vengeance around the pool, and TackledKid ain't taking of my shit. Fast forward about 94 seconds, TackledKid gets me back, hard.
I'm going to try to explain this to the best of knowledge, as I was experiencing this in the first person and details do get fuzzy. When I got hit I choked in a large amount of chlorinated water. I rush to the side of the pool and got fucked up hard. I blacked out. It was TackledKid, it was Ralph Gatsby. See, he thought I was chocking and since he decided right then and there to become a veteran lifeguard he thought he could help. He dragged me out of the pool and slammed my head against the concrete, and proceeded to give me 'CPR' by punching me in the chest. No seriously, he had no fucking idea what he was doing. After no response he started open hand slapping me in the face to get a response, some point during this I came through.
The next hour was people checking in on me making sure I don't have a concussion. How did they do this you ask? They stuck me in a hot tub so every time I dose off the hot water would shock me back up, they were just making sure I didn't drown. I ain't even mad at TackledKid, we're cool and I started shit for no reason. I can't be mad at Gatsby, because deep down he seriously thought he was helping me out in his own retarded sense of the word.
I had bruises on my body for over a week. I couldn't stand up or move to a sitting position without holding my breath. And the worst part is, I went back to that party the next year.
*If I get enough request, I'll post TIFU for Dongfest 2011*
TLDR: **FUCK YOU. IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO WRITE THAT SHIT. SCROLL UP AND READ IT.**
booskia: "I was so fucking board I made planking cool again."
^Not sure if subtle pun or common spelling mistake........
ColonelCrackerzz: Took the words right outta my mouth. And I was at this shindig.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410035335 | 1410035728 | t3_2fnwuu | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by meeting up with a transvestite on craigslist.
I woke up this morning with a penis the size of about 3 inches. Which means I am horny as fuck. Whats better then craigslist when you want to release your "man"naise? Type in your city, go to personals, and then casual encounters... boom. You're getting laid in an hour. Well craigslist wasn't too good today... Normally I go on there and see some sexy ass ladies... Well that wasn't the case... Today the craigslist women searching for men section looked like the Hippo exhibit at the zoo... I might fuck a rotisserie chicken... but a fat chick? No thank you... At-least the rotisserie chicken doesn't want to hang out after you fuck it. Anyways not to get off of the point of the story. I am horny. and there are no girls that look appealing to me... So I go to the transvestite section... I see Ru Pauls on television maybe a tranny would suffice. So I email this beautiful tranny... Sexier then most girls I have ever even seen before... We start messaging back to get to know eachother... get a little comfortable before meeting back at my house. Well an hour goes by and me and this tranny are happy, comfortable, and ready to get jiggy with it. I log off my email and wait for her to knock on the door.
I am panicking going back and fourth thinking to myself "This better go good, she better be cute.".. 100's of thoughts just going through my head. All the sudden I hear a loud knock on my door. I walk up to the door slowly, heart racing... and then I begin to open it.
The first thing I noticed was the height. She was literally twice my height... and she talked like batman mixed with sarah silverman. Her bicep was the size of my head. and I am standing there thinking "What in the hell did I get myself into." I tell her to come in with that fake smile thinking "omfg please get the hell out of my house" but I'm a nice guy I couldn't say that... Specially because she drove a half hour away...
We go sit on the couch and talk for a minute all the sudden she starts sucking my dick and I'm like damn well it's not that bad... Then she pulls her pants down and has a 9 inch cock. I literally felt like steve irwin holding that thing in my hands... Anyways she bends over and I am thinking omg I am seriously about to do this... I slide it in and start going at it looking at it and try my hardest to finish as fast as I could... Finally I finish and she turns around and says my turn...
ArminscopyofSwank: You can get laid in craigslist in an hour?
What kind of people are these?
longtimewin: I always thought casual encounters was a scam, what are some tips at getting laid?
ArminscopyofSwank: Just leaving a long relationship, so you are asking the wrong guy.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410035717 | 1410040934 | t3_2fnxgx | t5_2to41 | 145 | _Hennessy_: TIFU and read a text message my mom recieved
It was not today that I f'd up, it was a few weeks ago. I was stopping by my rents place to do some laundry, per the usual Saturday thing. It was just my mother and I in the house. I hear her phone go off and derp my way over to it. I see that my mother has received a text message from my father.
I think, "Hmm, wonder what dad wants." I open the text, and to my dismay I read the following two words followed by a question mark....
"Pooter tonight?".... I died inside a little, and I'm sure made a face of someone who just saw a brutal beheading.
I paused and immediately thought, well now it shows the message as read... do I dare delete it... no I'll just put the phone down and my technology inept mother will know no different.
Nothing has been mentioned yet, I could have unintentionally cock blocked my father.... oh well.
headingtoabyss: I had to google this.
>Pooter - redneck term for pussy.
So you are a redneck? TIFU is destiny, embrace it.
_Hennessy_: YES! We are from southeast Missouri. Definitely redneck.
edit- spelling
BeardsuptheWazoo: How defiant ?
| 4 | 36.25 | |
1410037887 | 1410043777 | t3_2fo0su | t5_2to41 | 5 | dopadelic: TIFU by zapping my brain for an exam
For my neural implant engineering class, my TA told us that the exam would mostly be regurgitation of the papers. I should've known better that it was an engineering class that it would be more about problem solving.
Needless to say, I thought it would be nice to use tDCS, a brain stimulating technique in which you can enhance function of targeted areas of your brain, however often at the cost of other opposing faculties. In this case, it's been shown that you can reduce false memories.
http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0004959
However, it's also been shown that your memories compete with your creative solving ability as they bias your ability to think outside the box.
http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0016655
And you will notice that the stimulation protocol between the two is the direct opposite of each other with the anode and cathode leads reversed. So essentially by enhancing my memories, I hindered my creative problem solving abilities.
Well exam day came and there was pretty much no regurgitation and all and we were given unique scenarios and needed to solve the problem. Needless to say, I bombed the exam. TIFU
Mustaka: Well what you did was over think the problem. The problem for a student is learning. You tried to game and failed.
Your job for the rest of your education is to not be such a dumb fuck again.
dopadelic: Regurgitation of facts, if that's what it was, is hardly learning.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410037607 | 1410203709 | t3_2fo0cn | t5_2to41 | 10 | Pritulas: TIFU by not training the girl I'm seeing
I am a certified personal trainer, so is the girl I'm seeing. Her family is in town, and so she is busy with them for the weekend.
She just finishes up with her last client and gets ready to train herself. I come to say hi, and she asks me to train her for the 20 minutes she has before she goes home. I am nervous since I focus on strength, and her focus is functional training/yoga. I can't think of a great workout for her, so I decline and decide to head home after some small talk with her.
Walking home, stop, realize she just wanted to spend some time with me for the next little while before she had to go home.
I am now kicking myself in the head because I love spending time with her, but my nervous brain is not smart enough to read through the lines.
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: Invite her over, and leave the door unlocked.Tell her to go into the bedroom. There , you will be ready, lying on the bed, naked. Then you look her in the eyes and say:
"I've got some intense work-outs to train you on".
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Then bust out the whistle, tell her to drop and give you 50.
When she's done there, throw 80kg bars at her and make her rep her delts and all those other words that people who work out use.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410038922 | 1410042302 | t3_2fo2bn | t5_2to41 | 22 | 50poundsofwater: TIFU by drinking too much water.
tl;dr I drank about 50 pounds of water in 4 days, and acted extraordinarily high.
(Alt account because I'd rather not have this connected to me.)
So, I had always heard that you feel fuller if you drink water. I have the problem that I always get hungry during school, no matter if the size of my breakfast and lunch. So this week I decided I would try to drink a lot of water to curb that hunger.
I have a 32 oz water bottle I use. I just started by refilling it a whole bunch. The first day (Tuesday) I had 1.8 gallons or so. I peed a lot, and I felt a bit weird, but I shrugged it off.
The next day (Wednesday) I had about 1 gallon of water. I had a similar weird feeling, but again, I didn't think much of it. My mood was a tiny bit swingy. I felt a bit...hyper at times. Like drinking a good amount of caffeine. Other times I was a bit sleepy.
But I'm a teenager so I sorta thought it was hormones or whatever. And I didn't think it was serious.
Thursday I had another gallon. Same weird feeling, except a bit worse. But only a bit.
Friday I had 1.8 gallons. Then...stuff went downhill.
I was acting noticeably weird, like I had a LOT of caffeine or something. And I felt nauseous on and off. But again I decided to shrug it off. When I was about to leave to go home, I decided to check WebMD because I was worried about over hydration.
The symptoms matched up fairly perfectly. And there were was a possibility of death.
I begin to get nervous. I have vasovagal, which basically means when I get nervous the veins in my legs hyper expand and the blood pools in my legs and I faint. So I start to feel vasovagal coming on so I pull over at sorta sketchy looking immediate care place.
They rush out and don't really know what to do, so they call an ambulance. Said ambulance comes and the paramedics spend a bit of time with me and eventually come to the conclusion that the biggest problem when my vasovagal.
I told them the dealio with the water but they seemed to think it wasn't super big of a deal.
So I go home and lay down. Have a few pretzels. I'm beginning to feel a bit...loopy. I'm forgetting words, replacing them with the wrong ones, having trouble reading.
I call my doctor to check in with her. She says I should go to the ER, pronto.
Well, by now the loopiness is getting worse. I would say things and then think of them moments later. So I'm not in any condition to drive, so I call my mom to ask her to drive me to the ER.
So there was a huge storm earlier that day and nearly all of the lights were out on the way. So it took forever.
And I couldn't stop talking. It was scary. I would hold my hand out in front of my face and just stare at it.
My mom has problems with anxiety, so she's a bit crazy.
We finally get to the ER and by now the loopiness is at it's worst. I can't focus on what people are saying. I have to have people repeat everything multiple times. I'm making a fool of myself. I pick up a penny on the counter and just stare at it. I'm loud.
So I get shuffled to a room.
They end up thinking I did drugs. I've never done drugs. I never want to do drugs. But I'm acting like I had ecstasy, not that I would know, I was told after the fact.
So they tell me to pee in a cup for a drug test. I have trouble doing so for some reason. I make a fool do myself my looking and my penis and telling it to "pee" multiple times. A couple minutes later I actually accomplish this, but it was awkward at best.
I turn up clean, of course. But if I had had ecstasy, it wouldn't turn up on the test anyway.
So a special doctor well suited to...getting teens to tell them about this sort of thing comes in. We talk for a while but he's not super satisfied by my answers. I'm still very loopy. I say crazy things, things that sound...druggy at best. "OHHhhhh I hate drugs. I never wanna do drugs. Because...I hate them. I promise I wouldn't eeeeever do that."
So he decides to talk to me alone. I don't quite get that he's trying to see only if I'm doing drugs primarily. He's stressing that he won't tell anyone. I, for some reason, decide to tell him all sorts of random, inapplicable secrets. Bluh
So at least he's convinced I didn't do drugs. I lay down and try to sleep. They put me on a saline drip.
Apparently my kidney couldn't process all that water. So it floods to cells, or something. And most cells can...do that. But not brain cells.
So I'm feeling a bit less loopy, but I'm still having trouble focusing, but I have a pounding headache.
It was awful.
So eventually they move me to a different hospital because it's more specialized apparently, but likely it was for liability reasons.
I wake up (today) and am no longer super loopy. Still on a drip. They're planning to release me soon.
Seth-mars: Today I learned you can get high off of water.
candyxmuffin: Today I became scared of water.
50poundsofwater: Me too XD. I'm never gonna put myself through that again if I can help it.
candyxmuffin: I'm actually drinking water right now so I got over it pretty fast.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1410039999 | 1410063194 | t3_2fo3we | t5_2to41 | 112 | Searacine: TIFU by demolishing a Starbucks restroom
TIFU... This is something that happened nearly three weeks ago, but I can still see the look on their faces as I exited the restroom.
I took a trip to El Paso to cover a story and had driven from Dallas to there, straight through. I first stopped at my hotel but my room wasn't ready. I'm dead tired and need to go to the bathroom. I say screw it, I'm just going to get hopped up on coffee at Starbucks while I wait for my room to be ready.
I went to the Starbucks just down the street and decided I would use the restroom first before ordering or lugging in my laptop and all. Smart move on my part.
Unfortunately, I arrived at Starbucks during the morning rush when working class folk and business professionals are getting their coffee fix before heading off. Not so smart move on my part.
I sat down, never mind the fact that I'm not particularly fond of using public restrooms. I feel like I take forever ensuring the seat is covered by the sanitary seat cover things, or TP. Then I sit down to do my business.
I swear I didn't think it would be as bad as it was. I mean, I knew I had some trouble brewing but nothing major. Apparently sitting down/driving for 10 straight hours without taking care of the ole' bowels is a poor decision.
As I'm preparing the toilet seat two people try to open the door (it's a single) and/or knock. As I sit down another person knocks. Then, while I'm taking care of my business at least four other people knock.
I'm going....and going...and going. Turns out my log didn't break off or anything and instead was just a continuous turd. We're talking at least a foot and a half (maybe I'm exaggerating, but that's what it looked and felt like).
At this point as I'm wiping, and wiping...and wiping some more. Another three people have knocked. I go to flush and the giant mini-me in the commode essentially gives the toilet a shit swirly and my log had painted the inside of the toilet seat, rim, and bowl a certain shade of brown.
I'm sweating, that place was a heat box. Even my own nose didn't get used to the smell. I wash my hands, dab my forehead with a paper towel and walk out. There's a line of four different people waiting on me, just making very awkward eye contact.
Instead of sticking around, as I had intended, I bolted out the door, got in my car, and drove to another Starbucks down the street to get my needed caffeine boost and get some work done while waiting for my hotel room to be ready.
005cer: It's like you gave birth to a snake made of shit.
Searacine: That's literally what it looked like. And it refused to go down the drain without a fight.
I just wish I would've stuck around long enough to see the look on the guy's face that came out after me.
Vaulttechceo: Should've posted to rate my poop
im5ofluffy: I... I can't believe that's actually a [thing](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.splashpadmobile.poop).
Vaulttechceo: Well. /r/spacedicks is a thing. You shouldn't be to surprised
| 6 | 18.666667 | |
1410040380 | 1410056294 | t3_2fo4ig | t5_2to41 | 7 | AvengerGeni: TIFU by not drinking enough water. (NSFW)
This happened at around 1:30 AM, so technically today. My boyfriend had been gone on a work trip for 4 days. We were both really excited for him to come home so we could get some sexy times going.
He woke me up around 1 or so and just immediately jumped me. I was already naked and ready for him so it didn't take much effort on his part. About 10 or 15 minutes into it, my leg started cramping up. I tried to ignore it. Eventually it became so painful I had to tell him to get off me so I could stand up and stretch and walk it off.
Talk about a mood killer. I'm walking around the room practically crying and apologizing to him over and over. He's lying in bed looking annoyed. I know I fucked up. I know that the reason I cramped up so bad was because I had definitely not had enough water that day. I always get terrible leg cramps when I'm dehydrated.
At least the story has a happy ending. The leg cramp went away, he got a blowjob, and I got the sex I'd been waiting for all week. Bonus morning sex before he went to work today too.
TL; DR Leg cramps ruin sex.
[deleted]: I'm so lonely.
TheGwolo: I hear you
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410036188 | 1410043225 | t3_2fny6h | t5_2to41 | 7 | taxlike: TIFU by climbing a tree in kindergarten
Basically this story follows me for my whole life and I used it to introduce myself in my new courses in school this year.
So back in kindergarten there was like a v-formed tree you could climb up by pressing yourself against it.
I'm not the most talented person in this kind of stuff but atleast I tried it for the first time.
Climbing up the tree like a real boss I accidentally slipped away and somehow 1 leg was stuck in between the V because there was a bump. Being 4 years old and having no clue how that worked ( I still don't know today) I could not get my leg out of the tree.
A kindergarten worker noticed it and asked me I'f im okay.. Well everything was fine I just could not get my fucking leg out of this tree.
I tried really hard but nothing worked. Another kindergarten worker had the idea to put oil on my leg so it's greasy and can slip through the tree. Well if was a good idea indeed but it didn't change the fact that I could not get my leg out of there.
Being stuck in the tree wasn't really painful but the fact every and I mean every kid in the kindergarten was staying 5 meters away from the tree looking at me was really really akward.
The kindergarten called my mom and as soon as she arrived she was so worried about how I got stuck their. My mom is very very caring so you maybe can imaging how my mom acted when her 4 year old lovely son is stuck IN A FUCKING TREE.
I thought maybe I will be stuck there forever when a trainee had the idea to call the fire services.
They arrived pretty fast like in 20 minutes and had a look a this situation. Imaging this now I probally would have laughed my ass off about it. They decided to cut the tree down (the tree was like 15 meters or so). As soon as it falled every kid from the kindergarten ran to it and ripped out branches to play with it. So basically I created a new game for them to play.
The only thing I suffered from were some trade marks but I was not really that big of a deal.
Many of my friends and my pedagogy and english class now know me as the kid who was stuck in a tree and the firefighters had to come to cut it down.
flywheel1983: trade marks eh? What kind of trade marks? did it look like arches?
taxlike: Yeah it did. :D
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410041111 | 1410046249 | t3_2fo5lm | t5_2to41 | -5 | TheDaycreeper: TIFU By taking signals wrong
Sophomore here, the fuck up ended today. I am by no means the best looking, but I also don't look bad. She is a Freshman on the Cheer leading team, good looking, smart etc. So in lunch I was sitting alone, Don't like eating with people, I know I'm weird. I walk over sit at the table, they go on and on saying she likes me, do I like her. She is in my Algebra class, yes i failed. So i go over talk to her and ask what they wanted blah blah blah. After class she gave me her number, I didn't ask or anything. So today i texted her asking if she liked me as much as i liked her. She responded saying her friends were kidding and just messing with me. I respond by saying why could you not just tell me? She has not responded yet. Any girls help me XD. TL:DR I am not good with girls, never trust there friends.
EDIT: Spoke to soon, we went out. TL:DR I am shite with girls.
MonarchGod: Your admission of having feelings was your first mistake. Look I could go on and on about how you should of handled this but it's over now and that's pointless. You my son need /r./Redpill
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Redpill is for reclusive butt hurt losers who are betas that desperately want to be alphas but never will be because they're abusive, insecure, idiots. They're hypocrites and when I responded to them I got back lash about how I was a weak pathetic man. I replied with the fact that I'm a battle proven soldier who loves his family and have no fear of death in their defense and will always support them, love them, and treat them like gold. I was banned for stating how backwards low life they were for being upset over ridiculous things. He needs life lessons, not redpill hate speech from inbreed wanna be shit heads who believe women should be treated like dirt. RedPill is garbage, and deserves to be treated as such.
MonarchGod: Sounds awful Beta crying about this. Look dude I'm sure of one thing. This "kid" is being toyed with emotionally by some girl at his school. He needs motivation to become better than the rejection he is received from stuck up brat chick that thinks her shit doesn't stink. I'd hate to see this kid on Reddit 10 years from now posting like a pussy and trolling because his wife carries his testicles around in her purse....like someone I could name.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: How about knowing that some girls are mean? And that some guys are too? That not everyone is super duper nice? That's no reason to be butt hurt about things and take it out on everyone. Sorry, I'm just passionate about getting rid of redpill, I get a little over the top on it some times.
MonarchGod: The funny part about this is I'm not even a RedPill subscriber.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Promoting bad organizations is still bad, wether you're a part of them or not.
| 7 | -0.714286 | |
1410042933 | 1410077470 | t3_2fo8aj | t5_2to41 | 22 | MiloisLyfe: TIFU by showing my mum the wonder that is meatspin.
This happened about an hour ago.
So little bit of information first, my mate has recently put a program onto my laptop which opens meatspin and blasts it full volume randomly between 5 minutes and 2 hours which then repeats if closed, he has also hidden it so it doesn't show up anywhere on my laptop.
So me and my girlfriend, both 16, were lying together on the couch watching Shaun of the dead on the TV which was playing through the laptop. And as my mum walks into the room meatspin opens. She just stands there not moving or saying anything as I jump up and quickly rip out the hdmi cord, as I'm running to my room to close it the song keeps playing. I close it, walk back into the room where mum is nowhere to be found and my girlfriend is pissing herself laughing. I don't think I'm going to be able to look my mum in the eye for a while.
Cheeseburger_Bandit: Never let a friend on your laptop unless you're watching what they're doing.
Daniel-H: This is like rule #1 of having a laptop.
Especially if you have friends like this guy's mate.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1410043168 | 1410045805 | t3_2fo8mi | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my friend to cut her lesbian act.
This happened a couple months ago.
A little backstory. I'm 21 year old guy and my friend is 20 year old girl let's call her Jane. We've been friends since high school and both ended up moving to same city for university so we've managed to stay good friends. In our group of friends from high school, the girls all seemed to have an experimental lesbian phase (dating other girls and making out at parties). It always seemed like they were fishing for attention to me as all of them quit and ended up with boyfriends again. Well my friend Jane just recently entered her lesbian phase after breaking up with her boyfriend of 3 years.
Now here's where it starts leading to the fuck up. Jane's mom was just recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and is now at the hospital in our city. Jane asked if I would like to come visit her mom with her. "Sure, I'd love to", I said. I drove to pick up Jane and walked into her house. As Jane and her girlfriend got up off the couch I said, "Wait whoa. Jane, I don't think she should come". She insisted her girlfriend would be coming (It would be the first time Jane's mom met this girl and found out that Jane is "lesbian"). I tried to tell her that in a few years when she's over her phase and remembers her last visits with her mom, she'll regret bringing her "girlfriend" and possibly giving her mom unnecessary stress. I haven't talked to Jane in these past couple months. I tried calling her yesterday and she didn't answer. Reddit, did I do the right thing or is this my biggest fuck up to date?
midnightassassins: Seems right to me. Most people end up regretting their phase so it be better off to let the lesbian lover at home.
kaleidoscope_eyez: you are the worst.
| 3 | 0 | |
1410043865 | 1410112015 | t3_2fo9mp | t5_2to41 | 26 | Kate96320: TIFU by teaching my aunt how to use skype (NSFW)
So my aunt lives right around the corner and two days ago she got the old tablet from her grandson (he has a new one apparently). They explained how it worked and stuff like that so she could skype with them.
So, yesterday came to our house because my aunt had some trouble with her tablet. Me being the good girl, went directly to her and asked what the problem was.
Turns out she turns of the router when no one is using the internet. After a while she was finally connected to the internet and I showed her how to skype and how to use google and stuff like that.
Now here comes the TIFU, the tablet used to be from her grandson, who is in college. So, when I opened a new tab in chrome the recent closed pages were showed in miniatures. Well, me and my fat fingers accidentally clicked on a recently closed tab from redtube :( The bad part is that I didn't noticed it at first because I was writing down all the different steps for her.
When I was writing I suddenly felt that something wasn't right and when I looked back up I saw my (70+ old) aunt turning all white while a girl got straight up fucked in a cab. I closed the tab as quickly as I could but the damage was done.
She gave the tablet home with me so "I could check it out in a more private sphere" :/
At home I removed all my cousins accounts that were still on the tablet and also deleted the internet history.
When I returned the tabled my aunt was still pretty quiet.
Now I feel super guilty towards my aunt for showing her porn and towards my cousin. FML
DeadpoolRules: I wouldn't even say you fucked up. Ur cousin fucked up
Kate96320: But I think he didn't know his tablet would go to his aunt. I feel like I violated his privacy
DeadpoolRules: Regardless of who it went to u wipe a tablet before getting rid of it. Plus its not like u took it from him and gave it to her. She had it so u helped
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1410041516 | 1410205220 | t3_2fo67m | t5_2to41 | 31 | givemesomefood: TIFU by giving a girl my number
So today i went to a fairly large mall and I accidentally bumped into a very attractive woman. After that fateful encounter we began talking and realized we had a lot in common. So when I was about to leave, I decide to give her my number. But to my stupidity, I gave her my phone number from my old phone which I recently got rid of.
brberg: Why would you just give her your number? You always get hers.
sanmadjack: This is true. Don't be a "ball's in their court" guy (assuming you're a guy).
brberg: If you put the ball in her court, you'll never put your balls in her court.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1410045920 | 1410047947 | t3_2focnz | t5_2to41 | 27 | Qomolangma: TIFU by confusing the 'password' box for the 'username' box.
This actually did happen today.
My boss was showing me how to do something on the computer, so she had me login. Unfortunately, I somehow managed to type my password where my username is supposed to go.
So she saw my password. No big deal, right? Wrong. My password, because I couldn't think of anything else when it made me change it the last time, contains the word *twat* among the numbers that are mixed in there. Her face was a mix of shock, horror, and disappointment.
Worse still, this boss was my neighbor while I was growing up, and she has known me since I was a kid. She goes to church with my parents, and is one of the nicest people.
tl;dr: boss saw my work password, which is filthy, and was disappointed and horrified.
wujoh1: your boss must be a little bitch if the word twat offends her
cherylannmarie: Agreed.
| 3 | 9 | |
1410045813 | 1410046418 | t3_2focig | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by using a public toilet
Sofly_sky: I always wondered how shit spattered hits the wall behind the toilet. ... I thought it was always done on purpose!
redditorrandom: Hahahaha! In this case it was completely unintentional. I would rather not be a filthy scumbag like that, but that place was NASTY. My shit was probably the cleanest thing in there. My aim was just way off.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410046275 | 1410080430 | t3_2fod3g | t5_2to41 | 6 | DarkoTheGreat: TIFU by blundering miserably and running from the field in tears
When I was sixth grade, I was a goalkeeper for my (local) football club. We had this tournament every year in december, when teams from other cities and states would come to my town to play (I am from Serbia), including the best ones. Two main tournaments were for 6th and 8th graders, so me and my teammates were in the spotlight as we played for our hometown and were that old. The stands were full, and the match was in the prime time (20h), so the stands were stacked with people - families, other teams waiting for their game, friends, girls from the class (unfortunately :/ ), other people we knew (in small places, everyone knows everyone) etc. I was pretty lousy in goalkeeping, I wanted to quit it like 10 times, but my dad and coach always somehow persuaded me not to. I hated games and was very scared before this one (knowing I sucked contributed a lot to that) - the first game of the team everyone was expecting a lot from, in front of my WHOLE TOWN and ALL THE GIRLS. When the game started, the oposing team had the ball for a kick-off and they didn't return it to their side and tried to pass it around, but took a shot at my goal right away. I don't know what happened to me or what did I do or think, but I received a goal from the centre of field (it was on smaller field) RIGHT THROUGH MY LEGS in the first second of the match. Everyone was shocked, I most of all. My entire child world fell apart. I put my hands over my head, started crying, ran away from the field and ripped apart my gloves as I was crying in the dressing room 20 minutes later. I guess it was so that no one would say anything to me. I was such a ______ back then... That was really traumatic and humiliating for me and even now (I'm 21) when some asshole wants to ditch me, he would bring that joyful event up. That was the worst moment of my life, I still feel a little bad and weird when I think about it now and am very glad to get it off my chest here :)
TL;DR: Received a goal as a goalkeeper through my legs in the first second of very attended football game from the MIDDLE OF THE FIELD and ran away crying in front of my WHOLE TOWN, my family, all the hot chicks from the class and other people I wanted to perform great in front of.
my_meat_is_grass_fed: It's your juvenile friends who should be embarrassed for continuing to bring that up after all these years. My goodness, you were a **child**, and you behaved as a child would. Could you have done anything differently? Of course, as could everyone who has had anything embarrassing happen - which would be every single person over the age of 5 on this planet. It's over and done now, though, so don't let it bother you any more. Next time someone brings it up say something like "Really? That's the only thing you can come up with to embarrass me? I guess I've done pretty well, then. How about we take a look at the list of all your flaws?"
DarkoTheGreat: You are right, sir.
Thank you for your support <3
| 3 | 2 | |
1410047011 | 1410076767 | t3_2foe58 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By Losing My First Kiss to a Stranger (mildly NSFW)
For context, I am already in university but I'd never dated anyone seriously or done, well, anything. I'd been on a few dates, but there were never sparks, and definitely never any action. I'm also really awkward about physical contact, which comes up later.
This night, I get to be DD for some friends, which is pretty usual as I don't like to drink. So, after pre-gaming at a friend's apartment, we go to a night club in town. This is the first time I've ever been in one.
Everyone's pretty drunk and dancing, but I don't really dance, so I just sort of stand around in proximity to my friends and consider getting a table. But, instead, a very attractive guy approaches me, and asks to dance.
When in Rome, right? My heart's pounding. I'm pretty nervous. I shout over the deafening music that I don't really know how to dance (especially the kind of dirty dancing everyone seems to like to do in clubs). But he keeps assuring me it's fine, it's fine, and he wraps his arms around me and grinds. A lot.
Of course, 'weird about touching' me is freaking out. His hands are roaming a lot, now, and he keeps sliding them upwards, taking the hem of my skirt with them. On one hand, it's not so uncomfortable that I push him away and leave, but it is uncomfortable enough that I'm way too aware I'm uncomfortable.
But, hey, a good looking guy is interested in me. I should be excited, right? So, I let him hold me, and do whatever while I try to keep up.
A few songs later, he pulls me from the dance-floor towards a wall near the bathrooms, and he goes for a kiss. I hesitate, saying I've never kissed anyone before. He doesn't believe me at first, but keeps saying it's fine, it's fine. He kisses me, but not in a way I had expected my first kiss to go.
My first thoughts were, exactly: kisses look way different from how they feel. And should he be using this much tongue? Oh god, I'm terrible at this. I keep apologizing between kisses. He laughs, saying that I need to be more confident, that I'm really pretty and that he can't believe that he's my first kiss. He also admits he's a little drunk.
Now, for all of this, my friends are still on the dance floor. But a male friend is hovering now, a concerned look on his face. He asks if this guy is bothering me. That should have been one of many red flags. But I'm embarrassed, now, and I say no, he's not. After all, I chose to dance with him and I chose to let him pull me away, and I chose to let him kiss me. If I'd wanted to, I could have chosen not to do any of these things.
Male friend says okay, but the guy I'm with then pulls me by the hand out the door and onto the porch, where all the smokers and those getting fresh air are at. I say that I'm driver, I can't leave, but he says it's fine, it's fine, and we kiss a little more. He initiates most of them, but now he's saying for me to try to kiss him first. I'm majorly embarrassed.
Right on cue, his friend walks out the door, obviously looking for him, and says something like 'she could see you, you know.'
Now I freak out. 'You have a girlfriend??' I ask, but they laugh a little. 'No, he's *really* single." The friend says, implying something I'm unsure of. But the guy's friend pulls the guy back inside, leaving me on the porch to realize what I just did.
Later in the night, another male friend of my group says how they were concerned that the guy I was with was kinda sketchy. He also thinks he saw the guy kissing a different girl.
Now I'm really embarrassed. I had let myself get swept away in the moment with some stranger, and it could have been a way worse situation than it already was. There were enough red flags that once my head cleared a little, I realized, yeah that guy was *way* sketchy.
The rest of the night I'm incredibly embarrassed when he's nearby. If we make eye contact, he smiles and winks, and he tries approaching me a few times but I duck away or escape. At some point I'd gotten his number, but I don't remember exactly when, or if I'd given him mine. I'm relieved when we finally leave.
But, he'd said he lived on campus, and that he'd see me around. Because, that's exactly what I want, to awkwardly avoid him for the rest of my college career.
**So, tl;dr, lost my first kiss to a sketchy stranger in a club, could have been a dangerous situation, and I should have known better**
OldButStillFat: Ah, yes, nothing like a drunken clubbin' whore.
uncanneyvalley: Take your slut-shaming and go fuck yourself with it.
To OP: not slutty at all. Kinda adorable, really.
AbsentmindedAsshole: This guy has a point! OP, no shame in it.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410047289 | 1410188761 | t3_2foel9 | t5_2to41 | 21 | soulruler: TIFU by showing my daughter "E.T"
Here's my self nomination for father of the year...
So recently my 4 year old girl wants me to tell her stories to help go to sleep, as opposed to reading a story from books. When I do this I usually think of a story I already know and then shorten it and modify it to have the best ending possible. Anyways last night I thought of the story of "E.T" and told that to her, HEAVILY abridging the story to basically just be "Boy finds Alien, boy brings Alien home, cops show up, Alien files over cops, Alien goes home." My kid seems to enjoy it and goes to sleep. So I think "Well, she enjoyed my version so much, I bet she's really like the real thing!"
Now keep in mind, yes I have seen "E.T." before, but I probably haven't seen the entire movie in about 25 years (I'm 33 at the end of the month.) So my memory of it is almost nothing. I just remember the main points as I mentioned in my story to my child. I don't remember all the subtleties or specifics of the movie.
So today it was hot as fuck so I say, "Let's watch a movie!" I load up "E.T." and we start watching. The girl is a little apprehensive while watching. She seems to not be enjoying it completely (and also while I'm watching I'm starting to feel like this may not be the BEST movie for a 4 year old to watch with phrases like "Penis Breath!") but we keep going.
Eventually, we get to THAT scene.. You know the one I'm talking about.. when NASA appears. Well, that was it for her. She starts CRYING and yelling "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! DADDY I DON'T LIKE THIS!" I turn it off but the damage has been done. Then she says, "Daddy, why would you show me that movie?" I apologized and turned on "Thomas the Tank Engine" to calm her down. Since then she's been asking constantly about what happened to the Alien, the entire time sniffing like she's going to break down again. I can only pray that she doesn't have nightmares because of this...
As I'm typing this I have the rest of the movie playing and I must say I was really fucking bonkers thinking this was appropriate for my 4 year old. This is SOOO not a movie for young kids. Maybe next time I should do some fucking research before I bring back stuff from my own childhood to show my kids.
TL;DR: I was a bad daddy who showed his 4 year old girl the movie "E.T." Sick E.T. and NASA made her cry.
Pug24: I made that same mistake when my daughter was 4, 3years ago big mistake. Someone got her an E.T. Keychain when she was 5 and she made us hide the thing. We just got him out of hiding the other day and now I can't find him.
soulruler: Also the following day I was putting a movie on for her and she said, "Daddy, this isn't the alien movie is it? I don't like the alien movie. It's too scary for me." Nice to know she's not letting me live it down.
Pug24: Oh yea you never will. She will always remind you! Lol
soulruler: >She'll forgive, but she'll NEVER forget!
-Chris Rock
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1410046795 | 1410049451 | t3_2fodue | t5_2to41 | 10 | huntercrow22: TIFU by using a scented lotion on a fresh tattoo.
It fucking burnt but I didnt rinse it off right away cause it was the only lotion on hand, A couple hours later I got a hold of some fragrance free shit. Hope I didnt damage my new piece.
lickastick: Ouch, the tattoo should be ok. As long as you don't make that a regular thing xD
huntercrow22: Ya it was an unmarked bottle of lotion that had no smell, yet as soon as I put it on wham the burn. I shoulda rinsed right then just didnt want it to scab
lickastick: Just want to point out that scabbing is expected/good when you get a tattoo, there SHOULD scabbing! But DO NOT pick it.
I'm sure your tattooist mentioned this, but just in case.... :P
huntercrow22: Ya im good thanks
| 5 | 2 | |
1410045974 | 1410059549 | t3_2focq0 | t5_2to41 | 64 | goddamnitpandora: TIFU by using Pandora while having sex (NSFW)
I'm starting a new job this week and my girlfriend (appropriately) thought a day of having sex and eating pizza/watching movies would be a great way to prepare for the oncoming week.
We wanted to spice things up, so we bought shitty clothes from a local thrift store thinking it'd be funny to wear what we find prior to having sex. She ended up buying what appeared to be a Native American vest and I bought a hooded vest you'd see in a Lil Jon video. We laughed a bit but quickly ditched clothes and got down to business.
I restored my phone this morning so I didn't have any music on it yet (restoring now), so I opened Pandora and selected film scores, thinking instrumentals would be good background music.
Balls deep, me on top, the song from Up comes on. The one played when the movie rips your heart out. We both pause, laughing while trying not to cry.
Later on, after several commercials and (awesome) LOTR songs I'm helping her finish and something familiar comes on. That's when it hits me: it's the score to Schindler's List. Neither of us made eye contact, though she somehow came, albeit not to that song.
God damnit, Pandora.
tl;dr: I was dressed like a white gangsta rapper with no pants, she was dressed like a Native American; proceeded to have sex and almost cry to the song from Up and I fingered a woman to the score of Schindler's List.
_CARLOX_: Doesn't sound like you fucked up. At all.
tonefilm: He fucked to Up, close enough.
jarejay: Bravo
| 4 | 16 | |
1410047618 | 1410065806 | t3_2fof1w | t5_2to41 | 6 | killzmylandlord: TIFU by letting my foot slip off the brake
Many years ago.
Worked a job where I had to wear a shirt and tie. on the way home one day I decided to pull into a stop-n-cop spot for some weed, reefer, maryjane.
I pulled my sedan type vehicle into the apts. and rolled to a stop in a parking spot that was pointing downhill. I kept the vehicle in drive with my foot on the brake.
Soon after, Weedman comes from around the corner of the building and asks me, "what you need?" I reply, "Two." Dude says, "I don't know, you look like a cop."
I reached into my pocket to retrieve cash and as I did, foot slipped from brake, car lurched forward and slammed into one of those concrete parking spot stop things. Weedman took off like a shot. I exit vehicle yelling, "come back man, I'm not a cop. Come back." Dude never did and I was left w/o weed for that evening
JSW_99: That's why you don't do drugs, children. Well, and the fact that you'll become brain-dead.
killzmylandlord: Actually, marijuana is a weed, plant or herb depending on ones perspective. But, with that notwithstanding, I didn't do any 'drugs' that night so there the argument becomes convoluted.
JSW_99: It acts as a drug and has the same effects and consequences.
killzmylandlord: disagree w/same effects and consequences. lack addictive properties is one example
JSW_99: Not physically addictive, but definitely psychologically addictive. Regardless, drugs are for losers.
[deleted]: Addiction has more to do with the persons suceptability to being addicted whatever the case. Human beings can be addicted to gambling, shopping, power anything you can think of. Moderation is key to any healthy habit obviously. Im not disagreeing with you though hard drugs are for fucking losers.
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1410049700 | 1410097218 | t3_2fohyz | t5_2to41 | 14 | kikme_KittyGunsGoMew: TIFU by drinking some of my dad's piss. (NSFW)
This happened a while back (2008 to be precise) and here is a little backstory to get you set up.
I used to be an active drug user in my late teens (25 years old & sober now) and I did A LOT of drugs with my parents. My folks would come home with a new substance to abuse on an every other day basis and I always happily partook. When my grandmother passed away in '08 she left my mom and dad some money. This story starts a week after we received that money.
We were two days into a crack/cocaine binge, my parents and I. After taking a particularly large hit from our glass crack pipe I exhaled and burnt my fingers on the tube of it and dropped the pipe shattering it. We couldn't smoke any more crack until we got a new glass tube to make into a crack pipe. They sold little tubes at a small market a few blocks from my house and because I had broken the pipe, I was nominated to make the trip to pick it up.
The thing about crack is that after hours of doing it, you become slightly paranoid, and by slightly I mean you tend to thing that everyone around you is plotting something. As I left the house I had this delusion that my parents would hide the crack from me before I got home and that they would tell me they lost it or something along those lines. So I began sprinting (I was intoxicated and didn't want to drive) to the store, hoping I'd make it back to the house before they finished hiding all the drugs from me. By the time I reached the corner-store I was drenched in sweat and panting heavily. I picked out the glass tube, handed the cashier the money and began sprinting home.
My chest was on fire when I finally made it home. My heart was beating through my skin and my mouth was the driest it had ever been. I raced upstairs to my parents room where we'd been hunkered down the last two days and burst in the door to see if I could catch them hiding the goods. The drugs were still there, nothing had moved. I immediately sought to quench my thirst and spotted a half drank bottle of Sobe (the green tea variety). I ripped the lid off and began to chug. After a few big gulps I noticed something was off. I pulled the bottle from my lips and looked to my parents for an answer. The look on their face, ill never forget. Half disgust, half wild amusement. I managed to choke out the words "Is this piss?!" as soon as they started to burst into uncontrollable laughter. I frantically began to scrape my tongue with my fingernails trying to get the taste from the back of my throat.
The lesson to be learned, don't do drugs. Ever. You may just end up drinking someone else's urine.
Edit: Don't be afraid to talk to someone you know or care about that is facing problems like addiction. I didn't choose to get help and change until I had an honest and open conversation with my brother. Seeing how much he cared and how much it hurt him to see me destroy myself was a big stepping stone for me. His words got cogs in my heard turning, made me actually want to fight for a sober life.
Oltum: So this didn't happen Today?
kikme_KittyGunsGoMew: Like I said, it was back in '08.
Oltum: The name of the subreddit...
kikme_KittyGunsGoMew: Rule number 1.
"All titles must start with "TIFU". However, your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today."
Oltum: woops. You are correct. My bad~!
kikme_KittyGunsGoMew: Also, if you are on mobile, its harder to see all the rules for posting. You on mobile?
Oltum: Nah I just never noticed for some reason. Only recently subbed to this /r/
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1410061348 | 1410098191 | t3_2foiu9 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Kodiak_Marmoset: Have you read the books? There's only a single character he *could* be talking about in ADwD.
AbsentmindedAsshole: I have no idea which one either. Please inform
Kodiak_Marmoset: If you seriously want spoiler, just let me know and I'll PM you; I'm not going to run my mouth where the unspoiled can see.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410049467 | 1410104784 | t3_2fohmn | t5_2to41 | 147 | soffo26: TIFU by helping a man in a nightclub bathroom.
I was enjoying a night out with some friends in a nightclub. Now just to set the scene be aware that this is a grimy sort of place, actually once voted as the second worst club in Europe, before the supposed worst burned down, and punters go there well aware they're not in for a classy night.
This particular club has two sets of toilets, one downstairs and one upstairs. The downstairs ones for whatever reason are for whatever reason always far busier and I think that many people may not even know about the existence of the upstairs set.
After a couple of happy hours drinking shitty vodka, selling shitty Spanish cigarettes for a 1000% profit and being pushed around the sweaty dancefloor, I felt the need to take a piss. No problem there, I slip off to the upstairs toilet which was quiet as usual and start to piss into the urinal. A shaky voice suddenly comes out of one of the cubicles, "Is somewhere there? Please, you have to help me..."
Feeling every bit the good Samaritan, I tell my new friend that I was there and was happy to do whatever I could to help. What was his problem?
His reply, "I've done a big shit and there's no toilet paper..."
No worries, we've all been there. Hold tight, I tell him, I'll grab some more for you. I check the other cubicles, none in there. Not surprising really given the quality of the establishment. I decide to check the ladies', it's thankfully completely empty, free from the vomit, tearful girls and make-up wars that such places seem to attract, but no paper in any of the cubicles there either.
Shit. What do I do? That's when I notice a big pile of toilet paper on the floor, only slightly soggy. Meh, I think, he's probably very drunk and in a real tight spot, this will have to do.
I pass it over the top of the cubicle to him, he's so gushingly grateful, "thank you so much, you've saved my night, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it".
Feeling pretty good about myself for helping I go back to the urinal to finish the piss I started before. The voice pipes up again, "Erm mate? Do you realise you've just given me a used tampon wrapped in toilet paper?"
I crack up laughing but feel guilty enough to go and find a bouncer and explain exactly what's happened. He gives me a fresh roll with a look that says he's seen worse.
TL;DR: Made a stranger wipe their arse with another stranger's monthly flow.
[deleted]: This sounds like my kinda club! Where is it?
soffo26: Durham, England. It's a town with a huge student population that keeps the club in business. The locals avoid it like the plague for reasons that can be discerned from my original post.
[deleted]: Fairs mate. I'm a student in Leeds, I've yet to whiteness anything that horrific. Feel sorry for the bloke.
Brutorans: Never seen a guy passed out in his own vomit in the urinal of the gents bogs in Carpe Diem? How about the near ankle deep urine ocean of the Cockpit pisser?
[deleted]: Oh yeah I've seen my fair share of shit, maybe it's just my immaturity of finding a used bloody tampon grotesque to a next level.
Brutorans: Perhaps we are both just bitter veterans of the horrors that one can encounter on a proper night out through the bowels of Leeds.
There was nothing quite like getting a kebab from the big eat and walking home through Woodhouses to Meanwood and seeing people passed out in gardens, bus stops and random doorways. I miss uni.
[deleted]: Hahaha true that! I lived in Meanwood last year and there's a surprisingly high amount of very ketty individuals you bump into on your way home from a Sunday night. The walk to Headingly isn't half as bad.
Brutorans: Meanwood court? Bishopdale reporting in!
[deleted]: Farndale!
Brutorans: What year were you in halls? 2009 to 2010 I think I was there. Its a little hazy.
[deleted]: 2013/2014, fresh out! Loving the UPP free life.
| 12 | 12.25 | |
1410050527 | 1410057032 | t3_2foj38 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Dickdestroyer96: TIFU by sending a picture of my dick to a girl
Like most TIFU's, mine wasn't today. It was about 4 years ago in 8th grade.
I was at a friends house during a sleep over with my other friends when one guy, let's call him Kevin, got a random facebook message from this girl no one knew. We, being 14 year old kids with no previous female contact, decided to push him into asking her to send us...NSFW pictures of herself. She replied that we'd all need to do the same. Out of the 4 people there, I was the only one who did it.
I had taken the picture sitting on the toilet in his house with my old laptop camera which wasn't adjustable. Thus making my package appear small. I sent it and I got boob pictures but that person turned out to be this guy who used to be our friend back in kindergarten. He had a grudge against Kevin and he only did this to get Kevin to do it. Luckily he never made friends with anyone else at our school before transferring.
I was panicked when we all went to school the Monday after. I was quiet all day until lunch, that's when Kevin told everyone at our table. Everyone was shocked. One person told me they never thought I'd do something like that. I wanted to die.
For two months Kevin only called me "shrimpy". Eventually I matured enough to let it go. My friends still joke about it to this day but it's nothing more than just joking.
TL;DR: I was tricked into sending a picture of my 14 y/o dick to an old friend seeking revenge on another friend.
[deleted]: The jokes on him, he got sent a dick pic
PeteMullersKeyboard: Yeah honestly if anything...he's the one that has explaining to do.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410050678 | 1410073766 | t3_2foja3 | t5_2to41 | 2 | ISortaFuckedUp: TIFU by offering to buy a stranger Sims 4
I know this isn't the best story/usual fuck up and sorry for grammar mistakes I'm currently sick but here goes nothing. I offered to buy a fellow redditor Sims 4 because it was his birthday recently and he didn't have any money to buy it. Long story short the game was too expensive for me to purchase so I offered to buy him a less than $8 game for Steam on Amazon. He coudn't find anything he wanted so he asked if I could buy him a ebook. I bought the book as a gift using my real name in a hurry not thinking it would show him my name and sent it to myself so I could send it to him. I realized my mistake when it was in my email and it said the gift was from me. I then only gave him the redemption code hoping it wouldn't show my name and guess what. It did. Now I'm paranoid something's going to happen. He says he won't use my name in any way and he forgot my last name. He's pretty young though so I'm not too worried but still paranoid.
Again sorry for the grammar and wall of text. I have a 101F Degree fever and am really tired
running_zombie: Your name *shouldn't* be too much of a problem...
Deathiaz: Genuinely what's wrong with showing your name. Now see I would never so it because I dun wanna but he acts like someone from the FBI or equivalent to his country is going to come snatch him I and shoot him
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410051848 | 1410115702 | t3_2fokwy | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling off a ladder 3 days ago and they fired me today for it.
I was a temp for a winery in the Northern California Central Valley. I love my job as a cellar worker. I thought I got along with everyone. But the other day I had to put a ladder inside a metal wine tank to hang up oak sticks. As I climbed up about 5 feet it slid out from underneath me and I fell on my back. I wasn't hurt, I got up quickly as nothing had happened and went back to work. The next 2 days were smooth, doing tank transfers, measuring tanks and got a call today that my assignment has ended. I called the winery and said there has to be some mistake, (they wouldn't give me a reason why the let me go). I got dressed and headed over with my 2 baby boys and calmly walks into the office and asked politely for my job back. They said the supervisor reported me as a safety concern. So I fall off a ladder and I'm a safety concern. They fired me for falling off a ladder 3 days ago and allowed me to continue work that has to be illegal, but since I'm a temp they said they can let me go for anything the want.
[edit] here's then link for the YouTube video http://youtu.be/N51w8ixPHrw
tamiam: HR lady here! I'm not trying to be mean, but:
>I wasn't hurt, I got up quickly as nothing had happened and went back to work [...] allowed me to continue work that has to be illegal
Nope. You decided not to seek medical attention because as you said, **you weren't hurt.** According to another comment you made, you didn't even report the accident. That alone is grounds for immediate termination.
>I got dressed and headed over with my 2 baby boys and calmly walks into the office and asked politely for my job back.
This is extremely unprofessional. Did you really think that would work?
>since I'm a temp they said they can let me go for anything they want.
Yup. Now go file for unemployment benefits, NOT worker's compensation. Because that would be fraud.
killzmylandlord: > Because that would be fraud.
bullshit. pain from injuries can take days, even weeks before appearing. go back to your desk corporate bootlicker soulless one
tamiam: I'll go back to my desk if you go back to your bridge. :)
But before I do, OP isn't a "safety concern" because he fell off a ladder. He's a safety concern because he failed to report an unsafe condition that could reoccur and result in injury to other workers. Had he reported it and then been fired, he'd have an argument for retaliation.
~~Now OP, if your temp agency never trained you about proper accident/incident reporting procedures, a wrongful termination suit may still be a viable option. Again, file for unemployment first. Keep food on the table while you're looking for a new job.~~
~~Next, [file a complaint with OSHA.](
http://www.dir.ca.gov/dosh/Complaint.htm) Workers have the right to report unsafe conditions and practices, and OSHA will share the results of their (unannounced) inspection with you. What they find will inform your next step.~~
**Edit:** Wow, that video was excruciating. OP, go back to the temp agency (your actual employer) and request a new assignment. **Don't bring the kids.** File for unemployment or apply to other jobs while you're waiting. Also, you might want to stop recording people without their knowledge. California is a two-party consent state.
killzmylandlord: > He's a safety concern because he failed to report an unsafe condition that could reoccur and result in injury to other workers.
He's a temp worker, improperly trained and forced to work in an unsafe manner due to the fact he needed the job. It's not his place to report unsafe working conditions. If he did, HR people would of labeled him as a trouble maker and fired his ass on the spot.
Bridge? You suggesting I jump?
tamiam: >improperly trained and forced to work in an unsafe manner
Did OP say that? No. We have no idea what kind of training he received or what other hazards were present.
>It's not his place to report unsafe working conditions.
Bro, do you even [OSHA?](https://www.osha.gov/) This is one of the most basic rights all workers have.
>HR people would of labeled him as a trouble maker and fired his ass on the spot.
It's "would have," and maybe. [But not without consequences.](http://www.whistleblowers.gov/)
>Bridge? You suggesting I jump?
Not at all. I thought that was where trolls came from.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1410039973 | 1410065426 | t3_2fo3ut | t5_2to41 | 4 | Laststand12: TIFU by letting my husband finger me.
So this happened a few years ago when said husband was boyfriend. We love cooking together and use the time for bonding. One day we decided to make a dish involving jalepenos (can't recall what we made). Fast forward a couple of hours later and we are in bed fooling around. My husband puts a finger in me and after a few moments my cooter felt like it was on fire! It took me a good 10 minutes of washing to cool it down. Mind you this whole time he is laughing his ass off which is infuriating me. It's ok now because we laugh about it together and we have an inside joke asking if one another would like to add jalepenos to food.
GalaxyPhi: Puts a whole new meaning to Fire Crotch.
Laststand12: Ha! Never thought of it that way! I'm going to have to tell the husband this one. It's sure to get a laugh.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410046626 | 1410066025 | t3_2fodls | t5_2to41 | 6 | svanis: TIFU by doing unsanitary multitasking
Brushing your teeth on the toilet is old news, I dare say it is one of the first efficient combinations we learn as human beings. However, TIFU.
So there I was, getting ready for bed. I had just started brushing my teeth when I feel the sudden urge to make a sacrifice to the porcelain God. I houla out of my undies and sat down on the porcelain throne while still going at my toothbrush like I a girl it had just proposed to.
Anyway, after a while my mouth filled up with toothpaste foam
and I had to spit (I'm not a good girl).
Turning around trying to figure out where to spit (I have reacently moved and did not account for the sink being out off reach) it struck me, I was sitting on the soluotion, it was right between my legs, all I had to do was to spread and aim.
As you may have guessed where this story is heading you may also have guessed that I am not an expert marksman. I ended up drooling the foamy toothpast all over my junk.
At first, I just sat there not having the strength to deal with my dissapointing failure. Then the burning feeling begun, soon followed by the realisation that the strong peppermint toothpaste was proabably not ment to be applied to dicks.
After a race wipe and emergency shower I atleast ended up with a minty fresh penis, recomended by four out of five dentists.
TL;DR - TIFU by drooling strong mint toothpaste on my junk while sitting on the toilet.
(Also, I am so sorry for my spelling. I can't even spell in my native language.)
sidarian: > I'm not a good girl
>the strong peppermint toothpaste was proabably not ment to be applied to dicks
I was very confused while reading this. Clearly you are not a good girl, because you are not a girl at all, thus invalidating the first statement.
5chmuk3r: It's a joke about not swallowing cum like a good girl
| 3 | 2 | |
1410051694 | 1410054068 | t3_2fokp3 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: Tifu by telling my besties bro she had a fetish
Well I'm drunk right now and I basically admitted to my friends brother she had this fetish of being tied up by my best mate, he then told his parents about his sisters fetish...I'm really distressed right now because i think they hate me
Ripper_Bravo_Six: Ah yes. I love alcohol too.
ForestOnFIRE: I had to go home...he acted like he was going to passive aggressively stab me...
Ripper_Bravo_Six: Damn o.o
ForestOnFIRE: The drunk feels I am having....
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1410053980 | 1410089300 | t3_2fonup | t5_2to41 | 89 | [deleted]: [TIFU] By showering without a change of clothes [NSFW]
I love TIFU and I finally have a worthy post! Unlike the rest of the stuff on here, this just happened an hour ago. Also, no throwaway cause I am a NSFW kinda gal anyways.
I decided to have a routine shower in the bathroom. I normally never bring a change of clothes with me because my bedroom is just down the hall from the bathroom (important bit). My parents had told me they were expecting guests, but me being the lazy gal I am, I thought "oh I can quickly shower and get dressed before they arrive. I don't need to bring a change of clothes with me into the bathroom!" I do my thing and as I walk out of the bathroom, I hear loud noises from downstairs. I eavesdrop and within seconds I realize that there are guests downstairs. "Oh fuck" I think and assess my situation. The [hallway](http://i.imgur.com/2xnLDHJh.jpg) to my bedroom can be seen from the living room, where the guests are sitting. I can either dart across in my [towel](http://i.imgur.com/LiYtmiLh.jpg) and risk being seen, or hide out in the bathroom. It takes a few minutes before I hear my name being called from downstairs, and I quickly dart across the hallway. I am fairly sure I was seen in my compromised state. I had to go down after and greet everyone. I pretended nothing had happened, but the looks I got said otherwise...
__Viper__: I feel like the only reason you posted that towel picture is to show us your boobs.
shortbusondubs: i'm okay with this.
jiggy_fish: I too am okay with this. In fact, I need more evidence.
CelestialWalrus: http://www.reddit.com/user/Goldsilk/submitted/
jumb1: TIL about /r/tributeme
| 6 | 14.833333 | |
1410037298 | 1410122149 | t3_2fnzuk | t5_2to41 | 12 | DropTheGrace: TIFU by trying to use imbalanced muscles on a girl
Ok so like many TIFUs, my story involves me embarrassing myself in such a way that the girl in question refuses to deal with me. If TIFU was a film genre, this would probably be its cliche, but alas.
Anyway this happened about a year ago now. I'd just come fresh out of a school with a shit boy to girl ratio and I had joined university, so as far as I was concerned I had been starved of female company for the past 6 years and this was my big break. I'm funnily enough reasonably confident when it comes to girls, I find it relatively easy to make them laugh and be a bit of a goof, but anything beyond that and I'm borderline socially retarded.
Anyway after a few unsuccessful "flings" with various girls, from all of which I had learnt a new lesson from (basic lessons, probably stuff must people had learnt by about the age of 15), such as not being clingy, persistent, a show-off.etc. So by the time I got to this girl I felt pretty confident that I knew at least the basics of having "a thing" with a girl. I'd made out with her in a club one night and we talked quite a bit for a while. I did ask her out but she didn't want anything serious, which was ok. But she still showed interest, she showed up at my room a few times unannounced, even stayed the night a few times. Me being the clueless kid didn't realise that whilst she didn't want a relationship or anything, she may have wanted to still mess around and have some fun with me.
Anyway after a while I think she realised I wasn't going to catch on, and so sort of distanced herself from me. I thought I had done something wrong, and so kept trying to get back in this girl's "good books" so to speak. This feeling culminated in me doing something pretty fucking dumb.
I've been a gym goer for a few years on and off, but never a serious trainer. At university I would hit the weights a few times a week, but being completely clueless I would use mainly isolation and machine exercises and therefore I wasn't actually getting any stronger, even if I looked a little bulkier.
Fast forward to a scene where I'm at a bar with my friends. I'm having a good time, getting a little too drunk and generally just having a decent night out. Then this girl (we'll call her Grace) walks in with a few of her friends. I naturally go and say hi and have a tiny bit of small talk, before she goes to hang with her friends. In reality, she probably had no issues with me, but being drunk I still thought I was in her bad books for some reason, and contemplated what I could do to impress her (a rational non-drunken thought of course….). Anyway whilst I'm pondering in the corner with my buddies, one of Grace's male friends enters the room and meets her by giving her a giant "lift hug" (you know the one, where the guy lifts a girl up high whilst hugging her). It was at this moment that I had my genius/absolute moronic idea.
I thought to myself "Hey! I can one up that dude! he barely even lifted her off the ground! I'll show her what a real man can do!" (or something along those lines.
And so I walked up to this girl in a manner that can only be related to the way that all action heroes in any given movie walk up to their arch nemesis, the one they have been pursuing and fighting for the whole movie, and now it's time for the final battle. A stride that reeks of confidence, that screams "don't worry guys, I got this!" to any one who happens to realise what is about to happen.
I don't speak a word to Grace. In fact she doesn't even notice me until I lay my hands on her. I was unstoppable, I was The Rock, Arnie and Zeus rolled into one. At least in my mind I was. With all my might I lifted this girl onto my shoulder, so that she was basically horizontal. All surrounding conversation had halted because of this bizarre occurrence, even she was speechless, dare I say in shock. My mission was complete.
Except it wasn't. Remember how I said I only did isolation exercises in the gym? Remember how I said I had no functional strength? I'd never done a standing press in my life, or lifted anything like that over my head, especially while drunk as hell.
I dropped this girl flat on her ass from a good 1.8 metres high onto concrete. The slap she made when she hit the floor sounded to me like what Thunder sounds like to an Astraphobic. It was horrific. You know that moment where you sober up instantly. Regardless of how wasted you are, all your senses suddenly spring to life again, and you realise you've done something horrific.
As I'm stood there in shock, her friends come over to assess her. She was mildly concussed. I looked over at my buddies, and indeed around the bar, where everyone was stood mouth open. I felt horrific. Like the weight of a thousand wrong-doings had just crashed upon me like Grace had crashed upon the floor.
I ran out the bar and sobbed my way home out of pure pure embarrassment.
Anyway I managed to get an apology in, but I never really associated with her again after that.
The moral of the story is - If you're going to lift weights, lift them properly! And don't ever try and impress a girl when your drunk, but thats a given I'm sure.
TL:DR
Social retard with girls, isolation exercises only in the gym, put imbalanced muscles to work for the first time by lifting a girl up in a bar, drop her flat on her ass
Volatilize: Er, how heavy *was* she? If she could drop a few that's one thing. If she's a rib cage with legs that's another.
Volatilize: Oh come on. There's a difference between 'my muscles weren't as strong as I thought' and 'she's heavier than she looks.'
| 3 | 4 | |
1410054666 | 1410063224 | t3_2fooq5 | t5_2to41 | 867 | [deleted]: TIFU at work. I accidentally said a penis joke and it got me written up.
This happened a few hours ago. I work at a restaurant with a really funny African American colleague. Any time someone says something negative even if not directed at him, he says "It's because I'm black isn't it?" Just to laugh and make the few white people that work at the location feel slightly uncomfortable on purpose. Anyway, we laugh a lot and have similar senses of humor. At this restaurant we serve 32oz drinks that are all black with the restaurant name on it. During the Sept/Oct months we switched to an all white cup with pink lettering for the Susan G Komen charity fundraiser. So an african american female comes up to both of us with a cup and asks "Are these white ones smaller?" And without even thinking about it my smart ass blurts out "It's because they're white".
Well, colleague loses it. Literally laughing so hard he can hardly stand at my obvious embarrassment for not realizing the subtle penis joke (black penises supposedly bigger than white penises, old cups black, new cups white) when I was just trying to copy his race joke and this female employee gets furious. She thinks we're mocking her/making fun of her she gets angry and yells at me "that is so unacceptable in a place of business, I am reporting you to (boss's name)!" and storms off.
Yep, 15 minutes later, lecture, and write up.
[deleted]: your coworker sounds like an uptight little bitch.
[deleted]: She's the goody two shoes/snitch. If anyone gets in trouble for something, she's involved somehow.
The_Tumblr_Police: It's because she's triggered and oppressed by your misogyny/racism, and is most likely going to post about you on tumblr, as will I. You are oppressing us (even though I'm a straight white male) and we shall insult you behind your back. That's what you get.
thehamburgertrain: so is this a troll account? It has to be
thenagainmaybenot: Of course it is. These fake SJW accounts are all over popular sites. They don't like SJWs so they... fake exaggerate what they think SJWs believe to... do something? I don't understand the motivation personally.
You basically end up with anti-SJWs complaining about fake SJWs made by anti-SJWs. It's farcical.
thehamburgertrain: Quite possibly the most meta thing I have seen all day
thenagainmaybenot: How so? I'm not lying or joking here.
thehamburgertrain: Because they've created parody accounts of something that they don't like to anger people over something that they also dislike
thenagainmaybenot: Ah! I see. Yes, you're right.
| 10 | 86.7 | |
1410050909 | 1410058991 | t3_2fojkw | t5_2to41 | 17 | Robobb: TIFU by giving my dog a bath.
Gave my male bullboxer a bath today and from the minute he got out of the tub my other little dog, a male Dachshund had been trying to hump the shit out of him. He wouldn't stopped and growled at me when I try to intervene so I had separated them. I went out for a bit and somehow while I was gone the small one managed to circumvent the gate I put between them. When I came home I found them in my bedroom laying on my disheveled bed, calm and acting dogish so I thought nothing of it. A few hours later I went to take a nap and got under the covers only to feel something slimy. I bounced up, ripped off the blanket and much to my horror there was a large goop of what appeared to be dog semen all over my bed. So instead of taking a nap I gave myself a long bath and I now wait while my sheets finish drying so I can go to bed.
TL:DR My skin touched dog cum today.
Cheeseburger_Bandit: Have your pets spayed or neutered!
aquias27: Best thing you could do.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1410056314 | 1410073587 | t3_2for1o | t5_2to41 | 7 | itscommingout: TIFU by farting in anal
justa-bloke: Seriously I read about so much sharting on TIFU. Is there something added to your food over in the states?
Deathiaz: Nope I guess you could say its It's the air :)
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410056463 | 1410056835 | t3_2for7w | t5_2to41 | 14 | wittaz_dittaz: TIFU by denying a girl to bring her friend along to our first "date"
Yesterday I (20/M) mentored at an event that teaches girls doing programming.
There was a girl who is short, cute and wear glasses. When I saw her my heart skipped a beat, I chose to mentor her and her friends and at the end of the event, I asked for her number and she gave me.
When I got back home, I decided to add her on facebook first and message her.
I was very very straightforward and said I wanted to ask her out, and then I suggested a place, she wanted somewhere with public transport, so I chose a mall with train station.
And then she said she wants to bring her friend (also my mentee) along.
I said "No" "I only want you"
And then she didn't reply for like 20 minutes until I resend "Alright you can bring her along, but I would like to bring a friend of mine too"
And then she just said she found it odd for me not allow her friend to tag along, since she wants to be safe and has some boundary in first meetup.
I feel like my game is gone at this point.
tl;dr: Met cute girl, wanna date her alone, denied her friend to come along and feel like dying
Update1: Yea she said its not happening this time. She wanted to get to know each other better over the net before we go out. Thats after I backoffered to go out with her and her friend.
JohnQK: That's a tough situation to get presented with. She should not have made the request, but at the same time you can not say no to the request.
wittaz_dittaz: She is only 17/18 and we are from a conservative country.
My close friends are shocked when I insisted her to come alone* and said she will be scared. So yea that's what's happened.
JohnQK: Oh, I didn't realize she was so young and that you were from a different country. That changes things.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1410057791 | 1410126019 | t3_2fosvr | t5_2to41 | 45 | bbbIIIbbb: TIFU by leaving a used condom + wrapper in my bathroom
So today I invited my girlfriend over for the first time. At the time, my parents weren't home so I thought we would do the dirty in the shower.
Fast forward a couple hours later after we're done and she's gone, my parents come home, my mom goes to take a shower and BAM there's the condom with my jizz in it and wrapper on the side of the shower.
I end up telling my parents that I like using condoms to masturbate with to not make a mess.
Now they think I'm some sort of lunatic.
[deleted]: Awe fuuuuuck. I'm sorry, buddy, should'a just blown that man-sized load down the drain.
Propyl_People_Ether: Pulling out doesn't actually work as birth control, on account of pre-come. I realize this may be obvious to the majority of readers here, but in case your comment wasn't sarcasm or someone under the influence of bad US sex ed reads it, I feel the need to point it out, because unwanted/unexpected pregnancies suck for everyone.
shits_mcgee: idk about you but my sex ed covered this. Not all schools in the US have shitty sex ed
Propyl_People_Ether: I'm glad your school covered it. The reason why sex ed in the States is non-ideal is that it's variable from place to place; Google "abstinence only sex education horror stories" and it won't take you long to find someone whose school failed horribly. On purpose. Because of state laws passed by religious cults. It's pretty fucked up out there, and it's gotten worse in the last twenty years.
| 5 | 9 | |
1410058439 | 1410061527 | t3_2fotqp | t5_2to41 | 8 | elfliner: TIFU by giving my friends my phone (and i need advice lol)
I saw a similar post to this a couple weeks ago but here is my story:
So I am at a buddies house and they wanted to joke around and fuck with some prostitute on craiglist. Whatever, I give them my phone. What could go wrong? Well they end up texting some tranny on there. Fucking with her/him whatever. Tranny gets pissed says they (i) need to give him $50. They give me my phone back so now im left dealing with it. She returns my name, my parents name, and where I work. Says if i don't bring her $50 then she'll call my parents and my work. I saw an earlier post about a kid who this kinda happened to only the guy had naked video of him and the kid gave him all his money. Whatever, its obviously not that bad because all the info he has is public information. I'll tell the story to a couple people at work just so they are aware but i'm still kinda freaking out. Any advice from anyone would be helpful. Thanks.
[deleted]: My advice is just admit to your parents that you tried to hookup with a Tranny. It will soften the blow to hear it from you instead of from some stranger.
elfliner: lol
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410059061 | 1410060902 | t3_2foum4 | t5_2to41 | 17 | inflatablegoo: TIFU by giving my friend's phone a milkshake surprise.
This happened a couple of hours ago. A group of friends and I had gone out to eat and we started messing around with one of group. We'll call him R. We had taken R's credit card and his phone and started passing them around underneath the table to screw with him. Eventually, the credit card landed in the hands of my friend next to me (we'll call him A) and R's HTC M8 was in my pocket.
All was going fine and dandy until R got up to go to the restroom. A quickly took R's credit card and dunked it in his milkshake.
You can see where this is going.
I decided to completely blank and follow instinct without any thought of the consequences and took R's phone and followed suit. The bottom part of the M8 up to the screen (which would be the 3.5mm port, the USB port and the bottom speaker of the phone) was submerged in the milkshake and stayed there for a solid thirty seconds until I pulled it out.
And then put it back in.
Another thirty seconds passes and R comes out of the restroom. He sees the triple shake-card-phone combo and is pretty understandably pissed. I'm still laughing with the others, until he tries to play music on the phone. And of course, there's no sound coming out.
Now I know I'm fucked. The repairs for the phone are $400 if the old bag of rice trick doesn't work, and I don't have cash for that. The only solution is to ask my parents for the money. For those of you wondering why this is such a TIFU, I'm 17. $400 is a lot of money for me. $400 from my parents because of something I did is basically a death sentence.
We tested to see if the phone charged via the USB port in A's car in the parking lot. Luckily, that works, so R will be able to make backups. Unfortunately, the speakers still haven't showed any sign of life.
I pretty much spent the rest of that dinner staring at the small card in front of me. I'm fairly certain I have it committed to memory.
Oh man, I am so fucked.
[deleted]: This is less a fuck-up, and more a milestone on the road to maturity.
inflatablegoo: I know I might look back at this one day and laugh, but holy shit I would give anything to cringe myself out of existence right now.
[deleted]: Laugh? Oh no, you won't laugh. Sixty years from now, you'll still be shuddering at the memory of today. However, I'm sure you will never do something so idiotic ever again.
inflatablegoo: Yeah, you're right. I'm probably gonna randomly remember this sometime in the future and get a roll of cringe just wash over my face.
[deleted]: Hopefully not during sex.
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1410058443 | 1410087345 | t3_2fotr0 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by mistaking my little brother for a leprechaun
This happened 12 years ago when I was 14 years old. My 2 years younger brother was having some trouble with his stomach and stayed home from school.
I did what any good brother would do, trying to cheer him up a bit. So I quickly as fuck ran into his room where he was resting in bed. I ninja-kicked a case of lego in front of his bed and stepped up on its lid. I quickly pulled down my pants and underwear, reaching for my feet with slightly bent knees. I didn't want to disappoint him, so in order to make the loudest fart in history of man, my whole body prepared itself for unleashing the supersonic air cannon.
Little brother's bed is placed along the wall to the left. I was on the right. I looked him into his eyes and let go. A millisecond later I realized something had gone horribly wrong. He wasn't the only sick person in this family. Above his belly shimmered the most glorious of brown rainbows ever witnessed. I was trying to keep eye contact the whole time. He was truly horrified. He twitched his head from right to left and left to right. Me with the most stupid of smiles to the right, and the target spot on the wall to the left. Droplets going everywhere. The wall was receiving massive splash damage. The stench was unbearable. I couldn't stop going and it felt like ages of humiliation before I was done. I quickly pulled up my pants and ran out of the room, leaving small brown dots everywhere and a puddle of awesomeness right under lil brother's bed.
Still today, I cringe when I think about the most likely weirdest wtf-moment of my little brother's life.
**tl;dr**: I painted my little brother brown and got forced by my parents to clean and paper his room.
Thromnomnomok: Did... did any of it end up on your brother?
agile_wigger: Oh yes! Oh yes
| 3 | 2 | |
1410060450 | 1410068486 | t3_2fowd1 | t5_2to41 | 12 | oorahduc: TIFU by singing to my wife
I've always been fairly self-conscious about singing around people, but in an impromptu situation I sang SoMo's "I do it all for you" to her. A song I'd been practicing in my helmet on the ride to work for weeks so that I could sing it to her by heart at some point when I mustered the balls.
No, honestly, I'd been planning on recording my rendition for her at some point and sticking the mp3 on her phone so that she could hear it without me actually having to embarrass myself singing it to her directly.
So it happened. I sang.
And she fell in love with me all over again. I haven't seen her so excited and adoring in ages. She had me sing a few alternative songs for her afterwards as well so she could prolong the experience.
So, reddit, did I lose my man card?
kaosdaklown: Dude, you nailed it. Man card recertified for 2 years, on the grounds you made a woman fall in love with you without buying here a damn thing. thats a win, my friend. I
TheDInho510: Seriously, OP. I had to buy my girl at least 3 pizzas before she put out.
| 3 | 4 | |
1410060354 | 1410065328 | t3_2fow97 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating too many jalapenos
So this actually happened a few weeks ago, but you know about TIFU.
I went to the movies with my brother and enjoyed some delicious popcorn and, as I always do, gorged myself with containers of jalapenos until I had such terrible stomach pains that I couldn't eat anymore.
After the movie, I went over to his house to pick up some stuff and as I left, I grabbed a container of Jello's Chocolate Pudding and began to eat it. On the way home, disaster struck.
My stomach churned in a way that I had never felt before and it was like the pitchfork of Lucifer himself stabbed me in the stomach. In horror, I remembered my brother's comment about his power going out for a few hours and his food being unrefrigerated during that time.
I ran immediately to the porcelain throne and I will never forget the instant and searing pain as I shat undigested jalapenos.
TL;DR: Ate too many jalapenos and bad pudding in a very short amount of time; shat pure, unfiltered jalapenos.
Areostationary: You should have chased it with some expired milk!
Teshinator: And orange juice
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410063008 | 1410064350 | t3_2fozm4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | TickleMeGio: TIFU by turning a bus into tool of torture
**NOTE:** this is indeed a real fuck up. And it happened today and since it's Saturday its allowed. This however is not my fuck up but my friends. I insisted he post it but he said I should do it for him. Here are his exact words...
"Minutes turned to hours as my college soccer team traveled to Cincinatti from Chicago, my precious after game meal had long digested and it was that time, I had to take a shit. Could I wait for a hotel? Still 2 hours away from our hotel or a rest stop? I could not. I sat in the middle of the bus as I looked forward to the girls soccer team who was also traveling with us...I then looked to the bathroom in the back which seemed a safe distance. So any smells by the grace of God may remain far from their noses. I took the risk. As I headed back to the bathroom I saw a few heads slightly turn to me, but most assuming a common piss and paid no extra attention. As I struggled to fire out the days lunch I began to regret the extra hot sauce I pailed onto my burrito. I released the pressure of a thousand atom bombs beneath me. I had restored my faith in heaven above because I knew I had just created a hell below. After a solid 10 minutes I unlocked the door and began to walk back to my centrally located seat. As I journeyed back, a smell too foul for satan himself followed me back..the damage was done... Dirty looks and "oh my Gods" berated me.. I prayed to The Lord above to send the stench back before it reached the girls but my prayers went unanswered. The bus was in an all out frenzy and I knew my sex appeal has disappeared as did the white from my face. I quickly grabbed my cologne from my bag and emptied about $30 of Nautica throughout the bus.. It helped the stench, but my pride was long washed away. A girl called me out from the front of the bus screaming "did you even flush??"... My [coach then texted me with a mix of anger and disappointment telling me to fix the problem I had no answer for](http://imgur.com/tJr14uK), as well as the question floating in everyone's mind "what the fuck were you thinking??".... I curled back into my seat, a shell of my former self, and a scar upon my name and ass for life."
Raiden_Gekkou: >So why do it?
Does your coach expect you to shit in your hand or out the window or something?
TickleMeGio: I'm assuming he's just not that great at confronting problems
| 3 | 3 | |
1410063250 | 1410063493 | t3_2fozw3 | t5_2to41 | -2 | [deleted]: Tifu by using my mom's warming face wash.
TIFU. Bad.
I work for my dad (he owns a construction company) and had a really long day today. I got home at about 8:30 and was just dirty as fuck. I was tired and needed to take a shower badly because I had forgotten to put deodorant on that morning and smelled like death. I got in the shower and did the usual routine. Washed my body from head to toe. But my face still felt gross, and I noticed my mom had left her warming face lotion in the shower so I decided to use that to get a nice cleanse going. I followed the instructions and put the shit on my face as directed. I then washed it off after the two minutes and let me tell you, that shit lit my face up. It felt like a demon shot a firey load in my face. But that's not the worst part. The worst part was that I was still ass naked in the shower and the remaining lotion washed off my face and right into my DICK HOLE. I have been on the floor for the last 15 minutes writhing in pain because my urethra is on fire.
TLDR; used my mom's warming face lotion, washed off my face and into my dick hole.
kabin_is_awesome: How do you know what a hot load in the face feels like
satan__mcrape: Yeah, you gei or something
| 3 | -0.666667 | |
1410055623 | 1410065147 | t3_2foq5c | t5_2to41 | 9 | farts_n_darts: TIFU by having a drink with the guys
The guys in this situation are my dad and one of my besties. I was in town picking my dog up from the vet and let him chill at dad's place while we go to our usual spot for a beer.
I remembered that my pal was getting off work from a place right up the road, so I called and told him I'd give him a ride to the bar when he got off. He agreed. Awesome. 2 of my favorite dudes at my favorite place that serves a few of my favorite beers. I don't make it into this town very often, so needless to say, I was really excited that the stars had aligned.
I asked dad to let me borrow his truck, and told him I'd be right back. He reluctantly agreed. I gleefully trotted out the front door, down the steps and off the curb while on the phone with friend to say I was on the way... Wait there's a fucking curb? Yup. I fell down with feet pointing downward and heard a loud *ssssssNAP*. Holy shit that hurt. Caught my breath for a second.
Whatevs. There is beer and friendship to be had! I go pick up my buddy, drive back to the bar, go in and sit down for a few minutes before I realize something may be really wrong. Tears are in my eyes. Dad and pal both get me to the ER and I have broken my left ankle and right foot. I am completely hobbled.
TLDR: Don't drink high gravity beer. It increases gravity's effect on you.
about_that_crazy: If you ever have a dull story like the one typed above, it is better if you admit it and end with, "and then I found five dollars."
farts_n_darts: And lie to my fellow redditors? Never!
| 3 | 3 | |
1410064693 | 1410105565 | t3_2fp1vj | t5_2to41 | 51 | BeanieBooty: TIFU by having sexytime with my boyfriend
My boyfriend and I haven't been able to have alone time at all for about... A month. So, we finally get to hang out and things go as expected- we put on a really bad movie on netflix, watch it for about .3 seconds, then proceed to try and consume each others' faces. Well, things progress to the funnest of all things, and he gets up. "One second, I'll be right back," he says, motioning for me to stay put while he leaves the room. I assume the best, and get ready. He comes back in, still in his undies(frickin briefs man; like, tightie whities but black) but, I look up, and he's wearing SAFETY GOGGLES.
"I have protection."
The rest of the time, he proceeded to make the worst puns.
sobok: TIFU by not having a de-briefing before sex. :)
BeanieBooty: oh god is that a fucking pun
kable69: Its called a tailboard. :)
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1410063681 | 1410104657 | t3_2fp0ha | t5_2to41 | 41 | joshhdan: TIFU by bleaching my dick
This happened about 5 months ago. I went out to dinner with my girlfriend at the time on a friday night. We drank a lot with dinner, so when we got home we were pretty tipsy. On top of the alcohol, we also smoked a joint . Needless to say, we were both smashed and very horny.
Fast forward after five rounds of sex that lasted a pretty long time: I sweat very easily, so I walked to the bathroom in a crossfaded delirium looking for something to clean myself up with. I find what appears to be baby wipes underneath the sink, and begin to wipe myself down with several of the wipes (including my junk and by butt). About 5 seconds after wiping my junk with the wipe, I feel an insane burning that is extremely unbearable. Turns out they were bleach wipes. Mind you, we had unprotected sex and my junk was pretty raw. I fell asleep crying on the bathroom floor.
TDLR: I wiped my penis with a bleach wipe post-coitus and fell asleep crying on the bathroom floor.
NSFW
JoeBeastly: This story makes me think of the show The League.
On a similar note I got bleach in my eye once cause my brother had it in a eye dropper bottle
Pycorax: Taking eye bleach to a whole new level. On a serious note though, is your eye fine?
JoeBeastly: Yeah I think so, I mean I can still see out of it fine. Although, there is a slight difference to the tint of colors in each eye.
Pycorax: That's surprisingly tame. I didn't bleach my eye but it sort of has different tints too. Shouldn't be because of the bleach I think.
JoeBeastly: Oh, I didn't really notice it before it happened. I only got 1 drop off bleach in it but holy shit did it sting. My eye got red as shit and I'm pretty sure a layer of eyeball peeled off
| 6 | 6.833333 | |
1410065597 | 1410233623 | t3_2fp314 | t5_2to41 | 59 | gredgex: TIFU by not checking my pants for foreign objects.
A few months ago I was walking around a store, minding my own business when I felt something tickle my leg. I brushed it off as being my leg hair against my pants. I took a few more steps when I realized that it wasn't the case.
I took my shoe off, opened my pant leg and kicked, and to my horror a giant cockroach flew out. I flailed around like an idiot before composing myself. I then made the terrible realization that we had been having a roach problem at home for the past month, and the pants I was wearing had been on the ground for about a week. The worst part was that I was about 20 minutes from home, which means I had been carrying the cockroach the whole time.
Pic of me and my lil buddy: http://imgur.com/I1e1khe
tl;dr Wore jeans infested with la cucaracha, became king of the bugs.
callie_fornia: hello there, OP *swoon*
gredgex: Will you still love me when I turn into a walking vessel for the bugs?
callie_fornia: always. <3
gredgex: You are the best <33
callie_fornia: I'll check your pants for foreign objects
YEEEEEAAAHH
gredgex: You're too kind!!
| 7 | 8.428571 | |
1410067256 | 1410126034 | t3_2fp4zh | t5_2to41 | 34 | Firearm2112: TIFU by going to Starbucks
So I was at the mall, alone. Just there to buy some pants. Anyways, I was quite thirsty, so I decided to visit the Starbucks in my mall. I just got off line, and with my cup in hand I was ready to go to my car. Then all of a sudden out of no where I see someone call my name. I turn around and its this girl (we will call her Kate) who I asked out several months back, But she denied because she was busy with school and what not.
Anyways, I walk over to her, and notice she is with a few other girls, and this guy (who we will call Juan) who has a reputation at my school to be the tough spanish guy. He is much taller and built then I am.
After the girls finally stopped laughing for no reason, Kate asked me
"Hey, hey, so how big is your dick?"
I was completely thrown off guard. Here we have this sweet, cute girl who is practically a sweetheart, asking me how big my genitals are? What is this?
There all giggling and shit while I just look at them with the blankest expression ever.
You see, I thought she was joking until she said: "Well come on, tell us"
Shit, she is fucking serious. I simply reply with "Well its obviously bigger then Juan's" Which was a fucking stupid thing to say. Immediately I knew that those combinations of words should have never left my mouth.
Juan's face is a blank sheet. He punches me right in the head and I fall back into the starbucks display thingy. Kate and her friends shriek in terror.
Just as the mall cops came to restrain Juan, I found myself being helped up by Kate. She looked at me and was about to say something, but the cop interrupted asking me if I wanted to press charges or something. I said no, and got up.
She later told me how sorry she was, and asked me if I wanted to spend the night at her place, and I agreed, not thinking anything of it. We got to her place, and decided to binge on some netflix. She went to get some popcorn, and when she came back I noticed she sat closer to me, and eventually one thing led to another, and we had sex. It wasn't rough what the hell sex. It was real, and intimate.
Now you may be thinking, HOW THE HELL DID THIS GUY FUCK UP? HE GOT LAID!
Now now little Jimmy, let me finish.
One week later, (this happened yesterday, hence why its in past tense) I went to my scheduled doctors appointment. This was the first year I checked off the "Are you sexually active" check box on the patient info sheet, So my doctor wanted to run some tests. And guess what. I got genital herpes. I immediately thought back to last week. The doctor asked if I had any idea who I might have received it from, and I said maybe and left, with a sick feeling in my stomach.
I got home, and was very, very worried. I started texting some of my friends asking if Juan was dating anyone. And guess what little Jimmy? He WAS dating Kate. I was immediately flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say.
I plan on confronting Kate next weekend. Sorry if some things are misspelled or grammar is incorrect. I'm writing this very late at night as a way to relieve my anger. Will update with any info.
proletarian-: Well Juan may have punched you in the face, but at least you gave him herpes.
Firearm2112: he gave me herpes lol. Meh the sex was good so its a win win
Xanderdipset: More of a lose, win, lose
AKBlackWizard: a lose, win, win,lose if he didnt have to pull out.
johnnywacko: Wasnt going to read that wall of text but I am intrigued by this string of comments.
EDIT: glad I read. Juan is a little bitch. Has to hit you for saying your dick is bigger? You should have told him, while you were still on ground, that your dick is still bigger.
AKBlackWizard: Lmao im not the OP of this post, but yeah i would have too
| 7 | 4.857143 | |
1410059061 | 1410073381 | t3_2foum3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | kreest0pher: TIFU by mishandling my girlfriend's used tampon [NSFW]
Today, my girlfriend and I took a break from moving and packing our things to have some sexy time. She's on her period so she was wearing a tampon, but we've been too busy cleaning and packing the past few days to be intimate so I may have been a bit overeager to get on with it. When I went to grab the string, I also grabbed one of her labia and yanked that shit out like I was pulling weeds out of a garden and the result was like stretching out a rubber band and letting it snap back into place.
After she finally stopped yelping in pain and I stopped laughing, I tossed the tampon on the floor and got right back into it. This is where I fucked up. Knowing that all our roommates had moved out, we left our bedroom door open. We finished and knocked out for a couple hours in a post-sex bliss, but when we awoke we noticed the tampon was nowhere to be found. Our mini-pinscher had found her way into our room while we were napping and ate the used bloody tampon. We immediately took her to the vet and it was still early enough for the vet to induce vomiting and get the tampon out. Don't worry, she's fine now but we'll definitely be making sure to dispose of her feminine products appropriately in the future.
TL;DR: Super eager to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period. Tried pulling her labia out along with the tampon that was in her. Tossed the tampon on the floor only for our min-pin to eat it while we napped after sex
wally_gockit: Why do dogs love things that come in contact with genitalia. Christ.
Deathiaz: GG
Have a upvote
| 3 | 4 | |
1410068016 | 1410076724 | t3_2fp5tl | t5_2to41 | 8 | RektbyDealer: TIFU By paying too much for a new car :(
Today I fucked up by paying far too much for a new car. The sticker price was $26993 which was a little high but an OK deal on the car. I thought I could talk the dealer down to about 23K. He brings my a financing offer of $400 a month. So I jumped... not realizing it said 72 months instead of 60 months. So I'm paying MORE than the advertised price. HELP ME. TIFU.
hudson1998: Most states have a 24 or 72 hour period in which you can return the purchase. Check your state website. Goodluck.
RektbyDealer: Unfortunately, my state does not have this law. I just FU big time lol.
cwpsti: You can trade it for another car and even get a pro-rated check from the first dealer if you got an additional warranty
| 4 | 2 | |
1410068768 | 1410069722 | t3_2fp6ms | t5_2to41 | 12 | doublepoly123: TIFU by applying Vaginal lotion all over my body.
Ok so this happened when I was about 10 or 11 years old. It was summer and for some reason my house was full of mosquitos. Of course being a sweaty kid I attracted all of the mosquitos. I woke up one day full of little itchy bited. I went to the bathroom so I could get some anti-itch ointment. I got a tube that said "itch reliever" or something along that line. I spread it all over my body. My mom came in the bathroom and saw me rubbing it all over me. She burst out laughing and told me that was Vagisil. Everyone started laughing and now its like an inside joke.
Seelystak: I suppose it makes more sense than spraying Deep Woods Off on your vajj.
doublepoly123: Lol yup.
| 3 | 4 | |
1410071289 | 1410110624 | t3_2fp92p | t5_2to41 | 14 | Historical_Elf: TIFU by giving my friend a pot lollipop
So, earlier tonight, was out with a good friend. The night before, another friend had given me a bunch of leftover pop lollipops that they were taking. So tonight, I offered my good friend one who I've smoked with before.
About an hour after ingestion, she started feeling very paranoid. We left the bar and her attack continued all the way to her place. At her place, she didn't feel any better and she called her parents.
Just some background. I'm 36 and she's 37. So now her parents, worried, drive an hour into the city to take care of her. When they arrived, I got the stinkeye and I left to go home.
As an added bonus, her father used to be a high-ranking VP at the company I currently work for.
FML
steezyvape: You guys are in your mid thirties and can't handle the anxiety of some pot lollipops without calling your parents? WTF man...
TIFU by being pussies. What happens if you lose your job over this?
Did you not try and talk her down? If you were at her place, you should have gone into "bad trip" mode and let her know she's gonna feel a lot better in about an hour or so.
Historical_Elf: Definitely tried talking her down. She wasn't having any of it. She wasn't exactly in a rational state.
I've never seen her like that before. It was completely unexpected.
It would suck if I lost my job over this. Obviously.
steezyvape: Shitty situation for sure, live and learn I guess.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1410072338 | 1410075530 | t3_2fpa11 | t5_2to41 | 18 | P00PJAR: TIFU by holding my pee
So this fuck up happened when I was fifteen. I didn't have my driver's license yet so after school one day I found myself being carted around, this way and that, by my older sister, in her Buick Riviera. After about three hours of driving around to random places, I informed my sister that I had to "Piss like a racehorse". I had already been holding it for about two hours, so the build-up was becoming more than just uncomfortable. She informed me that we were going to stop at Goodwill so she could shop for some retro T-shirts and that I could release the dam there. I have always hated secondhand stores, not sure why, but on this particular day I was actually eager to go there, if only to use their secondhand bathroom. If I only knew how many "hands" had come before.
The Goodwill in question was about twenty five minutes away, five minutes past emergency status for me. I had already started the "dance of bladder distraction" in the passenger seat of the car, so when she finally parked, I bolted out of the car with my destination clearly branded in my mind's eye. I speed-walked like a 60 year old mall walker at 9am. Being unfamiliar with the store, I had no idea where to expect the bathroom to be, so I paced around in circles, desperately searching for that man-line-lady sign where my oasis of pissing surely existed. Just before I conceded to pinching it off (last resort that males only do as children or when really, really drunk riding home, sorry ladies you're SOL), my piss-warped vision fell upon the holy grail. Man-line-lady. It was twelve paces away. I leapt the last three. My hand fastened around the door handle. I was there. I was safe.
I turned the handle, opened the door and was inside in a flash. But I wasn't ready for the unholy scene unleashed upon me, no one could be. It was Hell incarnate. The smell hit me first. It hit me hard, that rank smell of shit, causing me to cough and gag at the same time. My eyes burned, but enough vision remained for me to seek out the source of the smell. The sight that greeted me was appalling.
A mound of shit filled the toilet and rose three inches out of the water like a smaller scale rock of Gibraltar. When I say mound, it was more of a pyramid, as if an ancient Egyptian, time/space-travelled right to that toilet to recreate the Great Pyramid of Giza with his asshole. I gagged, coughed, then gagged some more. I retreated from the bathroom. Outside of the door, my mind cleared by the air of freedom as well as the pain in my bladder, I knew what I had to do.
I took the deepest breath I could muster and plunged back into Hell. I saw Khufu's shit pyramid and thought; "fuck that, shit-backsplash is unacceptable", so I started pissing in the sink. It was an epic piss, shivers caused my stream to wildly spray about the sink while I just kept pissing and pissing. And pissing. It kept going like fucking Austin Powers and I was still holding my breath. My lungs started to spasm, clearly stating that oxygen was becoming scarce. Still I pissed. The spasms grew stronger until it looked like I was "Popping & Locking", while pissing. My vision started to go dim around the edges, but I knew that if I breathed in that foul air, I wouldn't make it out alive, so I held it. And held it. Finally, the river relented, my piss was quenched. I hastily stowed my dick away while I barreled out of the door.
I was immediately doubled over, sweating, coughing and gasping for breath. I looked up just in time to see a man swiftly move past me into the now vacant bathroom. Before I could warn him. Then the thought hit me; "he just saw me come out of the bathroom gasping and sweating and now he is looking at the mound of shit in/above the toilet. Clearly he thinks that I just had the labor-of-the-century giving birth to a ten pound pyramid of shit."
Needless to say, I speed-walked even faster than before, back to the car. I hid lying down in the backseat for an hour, in the heat of summer, whilst my sister found and bought just one T-shirt, that said 'Dinosaurs' on it. She showed it to me immediately upon arriving back to the Buick and I'm sure you can guess just how happy I was for her. Fuck Goodwill. I've never been back.
TL;DR Held my urine too long until the only thing available was "The Worst Toilet In Scotland" (too bad if you don't get the reference).
McpxPhantom: Good God you have a way with words! This was amazing to read all the way through... That man must have been really disappointed when he went to wash his hands.
P00PJAR: Hahaha, depends on how long he could hold his breath, I suppose.
| 3 | 6 | |
1410072839 | 1410116460 | t3_2fpahg | t5_2to41 | 31 | QuirkyCorki: TIFU by eating buffalo wings
This actually just happened tonight, and it's a double fuck up, so stay with me! A group of friends and I (3 guys, and 3 girls whom we had just met last weekend) went out to a sports bar to watch college football. We ordered some Caribbean jerk buffalo wings and they were absolutely amazing. Super spicy, but also sweet. I ate 20 of them to myself! Not only were the wings great, but me and the other two guys were getting along with the girls really well! We were making them laugh a lot, and they were being VERY flirtatious. I lost count of all the sexual innuendos that were made! Unfortunately, I had been experimenting with a gluten free diet for the past 3 weeks. I was unaware of the fiery hell that awaited me when the wings digested.
**Part 1**
At first it was just a normal feeling of having to poop, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I wasn't able to get anything out the first time, so I went back to the table. A few minutes later, the pressure in my stomach came back. I didn't want to go to the bathroom a 2nd time in front of the females, so I tried to wait it out. After another 5 minutes passed the pain had increased so much that I was concerned my abdomen would explode! I quitely excused myself again and ran to the bathroom. I'd never truly understood explosive diarrhea until tonight! The second I sat down, piles and piles of shit violently exited my asshole. The worst part is that the wings were super spicy, which made it feel like my asshole was an uncontrollable flame thrower. After it was all over, I went back to my table. It turns out the girl who I thought I'd be able to bring back home knew exactly what was going on, and left without even telling me!
**Part 2**
Once the game was over I started driving back home when all of a sudden round two kicked in. I almost had to pull over because I feared I wouldn't be able to hold all of it in for the 10 minute drive home! As soon as I got back, the hoover damn exploded. It was literally liquid. Lucky for me, that was the last of it, and I felt much better. Since I wasn't able to make sexy time with the girl, I decided to jerk off. It turns out I didn't quite get all the sauce off my fingers. My dick was on fire for an entire half an hour, and still burned mildly for another hour after that!
From this point onward, I will never eat gluten again.
TL;DR - Got cock blocked by buffalo wings, which also made my dick burn
[deleted]: Next time rub your pee pee with milk, i think that would work but i can't test that theory.
camel_style: im just trying to imagine how :/
Maxibor42: Dip it in a cup?
adamdabadboy: Don't forget to twist and lick it before you dunk it.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1410071141 | 1410095240 | t3_2fp8ww | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending a $1000 payment on PayPal as a "Gift".
I havent heard anything from the seller in a couple hours, I'm starting to feel like he realized I sent it as a gift and is trying to scam me. My payment was for $1030.00 for some car parts, I paid using my bank account not a credit card so I'm not sure what I can do. TIL not to send PayPal payments when you're tired...FML
jaiy0: I guess this on eBay and if you charge back you lose some reputation not sure anyway you can easily get your money back PayPal always one sides the buyer just dispute a claim and say your account got hacked and that someone sent the money to the account it's happened to me before
XJ95: Pretty sure they would check the IP addresses when he logs in and sends money. They would quickly realise that it came from his computer/device.
jaiy0: Yeah true but it worked for me.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410073885 | 1410075647 | t3_2fpbf5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | PlazmaPlatypus: TIFU by wanking with anti bacterial soap..?
This happened about 3 hours ago,
Before i head off on the bus I decide to have a shower, and like any guy you just have the urge to wank.
Since I wash before I do that stuff, I had some soap (antibacterial) still on my hand, after the deeds done I need to piss so I do, but it felt like satan just gave me a bj and ripped my dick off.
TL;DR got antibacterial soap in my dick and when I pissed I felt pain that no human should feel in their life.
Roxymcstagger: Why?
PlazmaPlatypus: Didn't realise it was on my hand and only realised when it happend, didn't do it on purpose.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410074174 | 1410106564 | t3_2fpbn4 | t5_2to41 | 5,764 | Enteraze: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend at my grandparents
So first post ever, I thought i would share this with you guys, here it goes.
This didn't happen today but i figured that would be okay. I'm in a branch of military service and it had been some time since i'd been home and for those of you who don't know on government holidays most of us get the day off so we get an extended weekend. So I traveled all the way home and didn't arrive until around 5:00 AM so I immediately went to sleep. My girlfriend and I had planned out that she would come wake me early in the morning and well... as a 19 year old guy who hasn't gotten laid in a while was pretty horny.
She texted me as soon as she left and it woke me up and i couldn't sleep anymore from the excitement. I wont go into too much detail because i'm not sure if i should or not but anyways she came straight into my room and we start going at for a while and things are going smooth and i'm doing all my favorite positions. I decide to be the big spoon and keep going, all of a sudden a hear a knock on the door and pull the blanket over us and i'm still inside.
From my grandmothers perspective it would have seemed like i just wasn't wearing a shirt (being fully naked) and my girlfriend was fully dressed (with her pants off). Anyways my grandmother walks in and doesn't expect a thing we just both smile and say hi innocently like we weren't in the middle of having sex. My grandmother pulls out her new camera and snaps a picture of us laying in bed... I was absolutely mortified. I can imagine looking in photo albums years from now and seeing our shame and sweat...
And that's that. Now it seems pretty funny my girlfriend is still super embarrassed.
TL;DR Went home to visit girlfriend, grandma unknowingly took picture of me and my girl friend having sex
Edit: So for everyone asking did i finish? Of course I did. Also a big thank you i'm glad a lot of you liked my story and I really appreciate the advice i'll try to incorporate all of your tips into any, if at all, future stories.
Oh, also its not like my grandmother let us do what ever we wanted, we've just been together for 3 years now and me being gone so frequently doesn't permit us to be together much, so my grandmother doesn't mind when we lay down together.
p.s. I'll think about rewording the title next time... gross but hilarious you dyslexic folk.
Daniel-H: That's hilarious.
If your grandma is anything like me she knew and did it on purpose just to mortify you.
tobobo36: To be old you must have once been young and chances are grandma knew exactly what she was doing.
MegaRapist: Grandma knew exactly what she was doing ;-)
tallboyballer: THEY CAN SMELL YOUR CUM.
jpdubbbs: BROKEN ARMS! YOU LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKING RETARD?
EDIT: Well fuck you too.
1Ders: then his mom could just masturbate for him
maree96: wot.
hiawatha07: You must be new here.
1Ders: He must
| 10 | 576.4 | |
1410077554 | 1410204590 | t3_2fpebj | t5_2to41 | 8 | badwolfdexter: TIFU by letting my guy friend go through my photos on my laptop.
Edit: I'm a girl.
So this happened today. So I was chilling at home with one of my best guy mates, we'll call him Jack. We were just watching movies and eating food. We decided to take a break from watching movies and Jack decided to look through my photos on my laptop and I thought nothing of it. Until that was jack said 'I shouldn't have gone onto that photo album' and I look and I start freaking out. What I didn't realize was that I took photos of myself to send to my boyfriend and I thought I had deleted them all but I was wrong. Luckily you couldn't see my face so I tried thinking of an excuse. I told him that it must be random pics of some other chick that my brother saved when he used my laptop. I think he believed me but I'm not sure. I'm now just sitting here freaking the fuck out. I hope he believes me and that things don't feel awkward. He probably doesn't believe me but oh well. I know it's kond of my fault but I seriously thought I deleted them after sending them to my boyfriend.
TL;DR: my best guy friend went through my photos on my laptop and found nude pics of me that I thought were deleted my face wasn't shown so I made up an excuse.
kixl_: Just talk to him it'll be more weird if you just hope he believes you. It will become awkward
badwolfdexter: I would but I don't want him to look at me differently.
kixl_: He already does. Its not a bad thing unless you let it be. Just be like look we both know those pictures were of me. They were for my boyfriend and I thought I had deleted them. I just don't want you to think any less of me. I know its easier said than done, but I think you would feel better. Good luck with the situation.
badwolfdexter: Yeah I guess you're right. I'm going to have to find the right time to do it.
sanmadjack: kixl_ is absolutely right. The dynamic is already changed and you need to defuse it or you'll risk making it even more awkward. And don't procrastinate finding a "right time" to do it. There's never a "right time" for awkward convos unless you make it so, so make it so!
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1410078406 | 1413599073 | t3_2fpeyf | t5_2to41 | 3,082 | IMA_CAVE_MAN: TIFU by walking in on my brother doing it and said something super awkward out of seemingly nowhere
So It's late, almost 1am and I'm still up because my sleeping schedule is all messed up right now. I step out to grab a late night snack when i decided to pop into my brothers room because i heard his music on and i was bored. Now i usually go in there with a reason, whether it'd be saying something random, stupid, or sharing something cool i found. I told myself that i should say 'Ima caveman!' since i have not shaved in a while (my sense of humor is weird, i know). Little did i know that his gf was still over and that they were doing it doggy style on his bed. So i open the door unaware of what was going on, they shuffle around mid heart attack and my brother points and says 'Get out of here!' as he approaches me. I was lost for words, looked him dead in the eyes, and yelled 'IMA CAVEMAN!' and walked out. I heard her laughing afterwards but I'm not sure if it was a masked sort of laugh. They haven't come out since and idk how this will pan out O_O
**EDIT**: Walked out as they were getting ready to leave. Some small talk, nothing really. Then i threw a peanut and almond at my brother and told him to eat it. Maybe they just want to forget that this happened and not talk about it.
[deleted]: Did you also hold up a spork?
IMA_CAVE_MAN: .....
Do you know me by chance? I seriously have a metal spork and love the thing. It sits on my desk when not in use.
Stubbly_Man: Hi, my name is Katy.
IMA_CAVE_MAN: Hi Katy.
Stubbly_Man: *holds up spork*
thecolourbleu: Nope
Stubbly_Man: thank you
BUMBLEORE_BUMS_HARRY: Fuck it.
hey very1 im new!!!!!!! *holds up spork* my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol...as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me ^_^... im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol...neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again ^_^ hehe...toodles!!!!!
love and waffles, *~t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m~*
TheTiminator2010: I don't think we need to include the other versions do we? We've all seen them, yes?
fllwthewolves09: I havent
teiu88:
holds up spork
WOW!! cool! awesome!!!! those are things ppl (me lol :3) say to about you!! YES Im srs!!! but not all the time haha i like being random LOL so i wannted to ask u WAFFLE lol see? im random !!! hahahaahah r u laughing with me? :3 we should be friends if u r if ur not that ok 2 i guess... but ur still cool!!!!! hahahah anyway, ima RRREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLY big FAN! of urs :3 PUMPKINZ! lolz can i be in 1 of ur videos? im ok with not being the main charecter... i can be even in the background!! maybe i can say something funny like "omg he stole my taco! or something funny like that haha! ur videos r rly good and i want to be like u 1 day! man, i want to have lots of fans like u do! and then we can hang out together and donate 2 me... LOL ok anyway just feel free to reply if u want me in ur videos! if i dont reply its usally cause im offline... i can only use computer between 6 and 7.. mom doesnt want me staying up l8 but thats fine... (shes an evil evil witch right? LOL pancakes!!!!" im ur biggest fan btw! :P haha lol see u soon! PS: omg i wrote a lot LOL
Pps: uh oh! the cakes r attacking!!!!
Ppps: panckes lol
Pppps: hahah if u laughed with my jokes send me a video of u (irl please) of your reaction i want to see your face when you laugh on my jokes!
Ppppps: ur amazing keep up the good work partner
Pppppps: im not a crazy stalker in case ur wondering...
Ppppppps: hope we can be best friends one day!!!!
PPpppppps: LOL PIE IS ON FIRE!!!!!
Ppppppppps: YOUR THE BEST!!!!
Pppppppppps: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH &lt;---- me when i watch ur videos!!!
Ppppppppppps: when i play videogames i pretend 2 be u cause being u is the best
Pppppppppppps: my mom keeps yelling at me to get of... ._. she doesnt understand us famous ppl right? haha
Ppppppppppppps: i named my cat after u :3 it used to be called Mittens (my mom named it UGH such a lame name right?...)
Pppppppppppppps: :3
Ppppppppppppppps: when im in school and bullies make fun of me... i turn slowly to them with a srs look on my face and say "im friends with Alex549us3" and then they get scared... then i say "he will kick ur guys hinies and ull be sorry..." and then they run LOL!!!
Pppppppppppppppps: see you soon!
Ppppppppppppppppps: when can we talk? can u come to my place in 10 minutes? i told my mom to wait for that long... she wont regret it when i get to meet u &gt;:3
Pppppppppppppppppps: OMG someone just messaged me asking to donate... WHAT. A . NOOB. XD
PPPpppppppppppppppps: i spelt "friends" wrong at the beginning but i fixed it! no need to worry hahaha TAKE THAT SPELLCHECK!
Pppppppppppppppppppps: i turned around and pretened to have a roblox sword and hit my mom.... shes so scared now! LOLLLL NOOOOOOB!!!!
Ppppppppppppppppppppps: theres a noob hAXxing your place atm.... im gonna fight back for u! LIKE A TRUE NINJA!
Pppppppppppppppppppppps: i like banananas (lol not really ok?)
Ppppppppppppppppppppppps: wooooooooooooow the haxxor just said that ur a noob... imgonna teach him a BIG lesson...
Pppppppppppppppppppppppps: i just pictured in my head me and u having fun and laughing on the beach ahhaah one day it can be true :3
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppps: in minecraft i built a statue of you.... its not VERY good... you can forgive me right?
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppps: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFFLEZ!!!!
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: Pies our totally epic and those noobs r not like pie.... hahahah THEY WISH.
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: I wish my mom was cool like my gf.... my gf is hot and cool
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: hot and cool LOL that makes sense... NOT! like a waffleburger haha
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: im not lying about haaving a gf..... trust me :3
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: i know u trust me cause YOUR AWESOME!!!
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: UR THE ONLY ONE I WATCH ON YOUTUBE!!! ok? no need to be jealous sheeeeesh....
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: im kidding :p LOL did I get you?
PPpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: im realy strong... i can beat up haxxers....
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: do u have an arch nemesis? im gonna beat him up for you...
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: my arch nemesis is haxxers, BUT THEY DONT STAND A CHANCE!!! hahah and im ur sidekick so ur even stronger....
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: Someone on youtube is copying ur videos...
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: can you tell me 5 things you like? :(
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: sorry im sad :( i have to get off computer...
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: CHEEEESE!
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: cha-ching- thats the sound of me making money in future with my fans giving me donations!!!
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bye bye now
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: i told my mom and she telled me i can have 5 more minutes :) yay! lets play a game?
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: hahaha can we hang out? ;)
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: Lets internet high five! ready? 1 2 3 HIGH FIVE!
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: my mom yelled at me for hitting the computer screen too hard &gt;_&gt; LOL
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: imagine if u dont respond to this pm.... LOL that would be so akward! XDDDDD
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: stay awesome bros :3
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: i updated my game, u can join now :3
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: I have to go now :((((( sheds tears see u tomorow then! okay? bye!!!
WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZWAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ
duckvimes_: If I had you, hitler, and a gun with two bullets, I'd shoot you once for writing that and shoot myself so I could forget about reading it.
teiu88: A friendly reminder:
>holds up spork
WOW!! cool! awesome!!!! those are things ppl (me lol :3) say to about you!! YES Im srs!!! but not all the time haha i like being random LOL so i wannted to ask u WAFFLE lol see? im random !!! hahahaahah r u laughing with me? :3 we should be friends if u r if ur not that ok 2 i guess... but ur still cool!!!!! hahahah anyway, ima RRREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLY big FAN! of urs :3 PUMPKINZ! lolz can i be in 1 of ur videos? im ok with not being the main charecter... i can be even in the background!! maybe i can say something funny like "omg he stole my taco! or something funny like that haha! ur videos r rly good and i want to be like u 1 day! man, i want to have lots of fans like u do! and then we can hang out together and donate 2 me... LOL ok anyway just feel free to reply if u want me in ur videos! if i dont reply its usally cause im offline... i can only use computer between 6 and 7.. mom doesnt want me staying up l8 but thats fine... (shes an evil evil witch right? LOL pancakes!!!!" im ur biggest fan btw! :P haha lol see u soon! PS: omg i wrote a lot LOL
Pps: uh oh! the cakes r attacking!!!!
Ppps: panckes lol
Pppps: hahah if u laughed with my jokes send me a video of u (irl please) of your reaction i want to see your face when you laugh on my jokes!
Ppppps: ur amazing keep up the good work partner
Pppppps: im not a crazy stalker in case ur wondering...
Ppppppps: hope we can be best friends one day!!!!
PPpppppps: LOL PIE IS ON FIRE!!!!!
Ppppppppps: YOUR THE BEST!!!!
Pppppppppps: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH <---- me when i watch ur videos!!!
Ppppppppppps: when i play videogames i pretend 2 be u cause being u is the best
Pppppppppppps: my mom keeps yelling at me to get of... ._. she doesnt understand us famous ppl right? haha
Ppppppppppppps: i named my cat after u :3 it used to be called Mittens (my mom named it UGH such a lame name right?...)
Pppppppppppppps: :3
Ppppppppppppppps: when im in school and bullies make fun of me... i turn slowly to them with a srs look on my face and say "im friends with Alex549us3" and then they get scared... then i say "he will kick ur guys hinies and ull be sorry..." and then they run LOL!!!
Pppppppppppppppps: see you soon!
Ppppppppppppppppps: when can we talk? can u come to my place in 10 minutes? i told my mom to wait for that long... she wont regret it when i get to meet u >:3
Pppppppppppppppppps: OMG someone just messaged me asking to donate... WHAT. A . NOOB. XD
PPPpppppppppppppppps: i spelt "friends" wrong at the beginning but i fixed it! no need to worry hahaha TAKE THAT SPELLCHECK!
Pppppppppppppppppppps: i turned around and pretened to have a roblox sword and hit my mom.... shes so scared now! LOLLLL NOOOOOOB!!!!
Ppppppppppppppppppppps: theres a noob hAXxing your place atm.... im gonna fight back for u! LIKE A TRUE NINJA!
Pppppppppppppppppppppps: i like banananas (lol not really ok?)
Ppppppppppppppppppppppps: wooooooooooooow the haxxor just said that ur a noob... imgonna teach him a BIG lesson...
Pppppppppppppppppppppppps: i just pictured in my head me and u having fun and laughing on the beach ahhaah one day it can be true :3
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppps: in minecraft i built a statue of you.... its not VERY good... you can forgive me right?
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppps: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFFLEZ!!!!
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: Pies our totally epic and those noobs r not like pie.... hahahah THEY WISH.
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: I wish my mom was cool like my gf.... my gf is hot and cool
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: hot and cool LOL that makes sense... NOT! like a waffleburger haha
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: im not lying about haaving a gf..... trust me :3
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: i know u trust me cause YOUR AWESOME!!!
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: UR THE ONLY ONE I WATCH ON YOUTUBE!!! ok? no need to be jealous sheeeeesh....
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: im kidding :p LOL did I get you?
PPpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: im realy strong... i can beat up haxxers....
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: do u have an arch nemesis? im gonna beat him up for you...
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: my arch nemesis is haxxers, BUT THEY DONT STAND A CHANCE!!! hahah and im ur sidekick so ur even stronger....
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: Someone on youtube is copying ur videos...
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: can you tell me 5 things you like? :(
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: sorry im sad :( i have to get off computer...
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: CHEEEESE!
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: cha-ching- thats the sound of me making money in future with my fans giving me donations!!!
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bye bye now
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: i told my mom and she telled me i can have 5 more minutes :) yay! lets play a game?
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: hahaha can we hang out? ;)
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: Lets internet high five! ready? 1 2 3 HIGH FIVE!
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: my mom yelled at me for hitting the computer screen too hard >_> LOL
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: imagine if u dont respond to this pm.... LOL that would be so akward! XDDDDD
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: stay awesome bros :3
Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: i updated my game, u can join now :3
Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppps: I have to go now :((((( sheds tears see u tomorow then! okay? bye!!!
WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZWAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ WAFFLEZ
duckvimes_: Please go use a cactus as a butt plug.
teiu88: ok
duckvimes_: ...huh, that was easier than I expected.
teiu88: Now what?
duckvimes_: Uhh... you doing anything tonight?
teiu88: No...
| 20 | 154.1 | |
1410078917 | 1410123031 | t3_2fpfbx | t5_2to41 | 103 | TIFUSKYPE: TIFU by Accidentally Having Skype Sex with my Mother
This just happened 1 hours ago. For a little background, I am a recently married female in her mid-20s. I left my family in my home country to start a new life with my husband. The difference in timezones between cities is about 15 hours so if it's midnight here it's past noon over there. In spite of this, I regularly chat with them over Skype or Facebook. Sometimes you really forget to note the time in the other end of the phone before you hit the call button.
Another important thing to know is that, I have my skype on auto answer. This is so I can use it as a monitor for when my husband and I leave our puppy home. My husband has complained before that we should turn the feature off because we might get caught doing something in our bedroom but I kept it on anyway. Even if there have been a few close calls before when we are about to get naked, I kept saying there was nothing really to worry about. Supposedly, I taught myself to close shut the lid of my laptop before we do anything naughty. Supposedly.
Fast forward to today, my husband, inspired by a previous TIFU, has accepted the challenge of also expressing milk from my breasts. For about three days now he has taken to fondling them and sucking on them for at least five minutes, but I was having some cramping pain so I told him "Not tonight". He persevered and any girl who says they aren't turned on by someone sucking on their tits hard for that long is lying. In the heat of the moment, I stripped for him rapidly and told him to take me. Remember that I wasn't intending to have sex that night because of some cramps? Well I left my laptop on my bed because I was checking some emails. As for me I didn't remember any of that. I felt bad for originally refusing him and I was so overcome with want that I started talking dirty to him, and I painted a picture of his fantasy of a threesome.
Then we both hear a sweet voice say "hey baby". It was disorienting because I was saying "Yes baby" and he was saying "Oh baby" or vice versa. We had no instantaneous reaction because of how we were talking. And then the oh familiar skype ring tone finally registered in my sex adled brain. We pulled apart with a look of horror on our faces and I slam my laptop shut. The first thing that came to mind was "I hope that wasn't my mother." The skype call is forwarded to my phone, and the caller ID displays my mother's name. We realize we may have been heard worse seen by my very Catholic, very religious, sometimes sanctimonious mother who would have found this at best sacrilegious. We make up excuses and the best thing we could come up with was "We were watching a movie" At that point we knew we couldn't just let her deal with this alone and have her imagination run wild. We placed the call and she did her best to avoid eye contact, or in this case, avoid looking at her video feed for a good few minutes. Her reply to our excuse was "Okay..." and a long awkward silence.
TL;DR Was having sexy times with my husband and skype auto answer allowed my mother watch us have sex.
MrAlarming: The title is misleading
PM_TIT_PICS: Technically true and it drew your attention. So I'd say she did the right thing.
MrAlarming: Yeah but there's a difference between having sex with your mother through skype and her watching you.
TIFUSKYPE: Honestly, I thought it was all one and the same. Having a long distance relationship previously, my definition of skype sex includes that: me being watched doing it. However if you feel strongly about it, I can change it. (wait can I? This is basically my first post in Reddit. I've always just watched him read it)
MrAlarming: Don't change it. I was just saying it wasn't what happened. Where did you move to?
TIFUSKYPE: Thought about whether I should answer this but hey, it's a throwaway account. I moved to the US.
MrAlarming: From where?
TIFUSKYPE: I'll have to refuse to answer :p Sorry.
MrAlarming: Why? I have no way of finding you if that's what your worried about.
TIFUSKYPE: Husband vetoed answering it :P
[deleted]: Not sure if that is a novelty account being creepy or not but it seems hes downvoted all your shit, have upvotes back from me.
TIFUSKYPE: Thank you!
| 13 | 7.923077 | |
1410083582 | 1410094887 | t3_2fpij5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing my cleanse at work.
sfitznott: Hi fakenametotellyousuk, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU by doing my cleanse at work.* has been removed because it violates RULE 10: "All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday." Please feel free to resubmit your story then.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
MonarchGod: How is this possible I just read the post? Your post was 2 hours ago?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410086377 | 1410094486 | t3_2fpkjr | t5_2to41 | 21 | gotsomegainz: TIFU by peeing on my sister's cupboard.
It is always this thing with alcohol. You start boozing and you're getting comfortable with boozing HARD. Tonight I hit the birthday party of a friend and was kind of motivated to drink all the fucktons of alcohol stored at his place. Party was boring, so we decided to have some more shots to get a little more excited. Unfortunately I drank too much. Oh yes, too much, so I lost memory. However I can't remember the last two hours of the party and my way back home. Today's morning still wastedpieceofshitofme wakes up, my mother's coming into my room, telling me that I fucking peed on my sister's cupboard when I came home. All.over.the.fucking.cupboard. Including her discs, her CD Player and her purse.I couldn't calm myself down and started laughing hilariously. But it becomes even better. My sister started screaming when I peed there, because it's besides her sleeping place. After that I approached my sister's balcony, peeing from the balcony in our garden. That's really strange (because I usually pee at our WC, believe it or not). Can't believe it by now cause I am normally comfortable with being drunk. Oh, and I emptied a bottle of water in my own bed. My sister is pissed of, don't know why, and my mother wants me to clean this whole Shit of her room. That will be a great adorable Sunday. I won't booze for the next three weeks. But I will return. Looking forward to have lunch in a restaurant with my grandma. Hope I don't pee on the table or whatever. Sorry for spelling mistakes, still drunk.
cragkonk: Seems like she's pissed off
gotsomegainz: Agree. She's really pissy about it.
marsmanMe: [Ba dum tss](http://www.timelinecoverbanner.com/cliparts/wp-content/digital-scrapbooking/happy-ba-dum-tss.png)
| 4 | 5.25 |
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