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1410088611 | 1410098489 | t3_2fpm85 | t5_2to41 | 14 | I_Hate_Starbucks1: TIFU by throwing out 3 shots worth $30
So this all started last night. Now normally I don't drink but I have found that Gin & Tonic is worth an exception occasionally, so of course when my friend came over with all the cocktail stuff i couldn't say no. About 16 shots in, it's about 3 O-clock and we decide to go bare foot longboarding. i was nicely drunk and felt really good so i started to do a bit of fancy footing and ended up almost running into a guy that was walking. This guy was 30ish and looked wasted as fuck, after quickly apologizing we started talking about longboarding and then he started talking about this party he was at. After a bit more talking he handed me a box he was carrying and said that he was too drunk and didn't want it. It sounded like beer so i thanked him kindly and went on my way without opening it. I then went home and met my friend that had already made it back while I was talking, and after i told him about this really cool longboarding enthusiast I met he then asked about the box. I was pretty drunk by then and had completely forgot about it. I then told him about how the guy gave me some alcohol before he left and proceded to opened it so I could check out my haul. To my surprise there were three 40's of scotch which i didn't read the names of. Two were full but one only had three last shots which we poured into a shooter to save on space but it was almost five by then and we were both still drunk so we poured it out. Morning comes around and I go to check out the bottles to see what I actually had and found 3 johnnie walker bottles, one was green label, one was double black label and the one we threw the last bit out of was a blue label -_-.
TL;DR Got free booze last night, threw out three shots of 300 whisky that I've always wanted to try.
S0LDIER-X: Title says $30, but I agree that sucks.
I_Hate_Starbucks1: $30 worth of shots bro, buying a full bottle is 300
S0LDIER-X: Oh.. well. Never mind then xD sorry haha.
[deleted]: It's $200 - $230 a bottle and IMHO it isn't as good as the Black Label. Double Black has more smoke to it but I also prefer it to Blue Label.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1410085443 | 1410105889 | t3_2fpjvd | t5_2to41 | 49 | mwba: TIFU by sucking a marshmallow too hard
Today I decided it would be a good idea to buy a hot chocolate. I head down to my local cafe, and order a large takeaway hot chocolate. Finally it comes and I leave. A few minutes pass but it is still too hot to hold, let alone drink! Anyway I was getting desperate and I could see the froth beckoning me in. So i slowly began sucking in the froth, until I hit the lucky marshmallow. It tasted so good so i tried to suck it through the lid - to no avail. I was fixated on getting that marshmallow so I sucked harder. Still, nothing. I was frustrated, I just wanted m marshmallow, so I sucked that little bit too hard. In goes the marshmallow, along with a shitload of boiling hot chocolate. I ended up burning my entire mouth, and couldn't, still can't, taste anything.
On a plus though I asked for extra vegetables at dinner - I got my 5 plus a day!
iamurrgod: Who drinks a hot anything through a straw?
Thepitt101: It was obviously in a to go cup. A lid not a straw.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1410096264 | 1410097822 | t3_2fpsxj | t5_2to41 | 9 | agile_wigger: TIFU by painting my little brother brown
turtlesarerad14: holy shit! what did your parents do?
agile_wigger: At first they were really shocked and wondered why I would do such a thing. They realized quite fast that it was a stupid accident and they laughed a lot. They forced me to clean and paper the room. Meanwhile my brother lived in my room. Kind of awkward...
turtlesarerad14: I think that's the best outcome considering you diarrhead on your brother :)
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410101081 | 1410188828 | t3_2fpyng | t5_2to41 | 2,068 | Vish76: Tifu by cumming in my wife's pants
I am a musician with four kids and a great wife. I work at night and am with the kids all day. One Friday a few weeks back, I had bought my wife a new pair of yoga pants. That night I had a gig so after dinner I got all dressed up and ready to go. I had about a half an hour left before I had to leave and I casually mentioned to my wife that she should try on the pants. I figured if they did not fit I could return them on the way to the gig.
The kids were in a trance in front of the TV so they didn't notice when we both retreated to our bedroom.
I was sitting at the edge of the bed and my wife began taking her pants off and I immediately got hard. Then she, in a very sexy way, began shimmying into the new yoga pants. They fit.
At this point I knew I couldn't perform when I was all wound up. I knew I had no time to have sex so I ask my wife if she could give me a hand job. With a little more convincing, she said yes. As I was sitting on the bed, she stood over me, pulled me out of my pants, and started stroking. Just as I was about to finish, I remembered that I was all dressed up for work and wouldn't have time to change cum stained clothes. At this point, with some quick thinking, I pull open my wife's new yoga pants and came directly into them. She began screaming at the top of her lungs, "you asshole, you came in my new pants" and other expletives. I started laughing and walked out of the room. I walked into the living room to find my kids still watching TV but now my wife's mother, 2 sisters and brother in law all sitting on my couch. The kids must have let them in while we were busy.
My wife soon followed after me and the look on her face was so hilarious that I couldn't stop laughing. I bolted for my gig laughing all the way. I know they heard her yelling about cum in her pants but they never let on.
DonkeyTooth: You got a hand job and shot your load into your wife's pants and you fucked up? What dimension am I in?
UrsaPater: Almost none of the TIFU stories are actually fuck ups. 90% are just bragging about something sexual.
DatsStreetsAhead: You consider a handjob from your wife as bragging? That's like a Wednesday afternoon.
UrsaPater: So are you disagreeing with my point that the vast majority of these stories are NOT fuckups, but just bragging about sexual experiences?
SomeGuyNamedCraig: So ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY!?
UrsaPater: Did you LIKE THAT YOU RETARD?
dropkickderby: *Fucking retard. Come on, get it right.
UrsaPater: OOPS. I stand corrected. *facepalm*
dropkickderby: Today YOU fucked up, sir.
| 10 | 206.8 | |
1410102453 | 1410155531 | t3_2fq0kf | t5_2to41 | 26 | sagull: TIFU by attempting to trim my anus hair
So a little backstory to this, I'm 16 and a late developer. I didn't really start puberty until I was 14, and even now, at 16, I'm still pretty far behind everyone else. I can't grow any facial or chest hair, but of course I can grow a nice bushel of hair inside my asshole. Having all this asshole air is a problem for me. When I'm wiping my ass it tugs on them and its painful, when I'm sweating it feels like theres a jacuzzi party inside my asshole because all the hairs get clumped together with warm sweat. Its just not fun having all this asshole hair. So I decide I'm going to try and cut it off.
Now, being 16, I can't really go to a waxing parlor or something and ask them to wax the inside of my anus. I believe its illegal if you're under 18. Besides, it would be pretty embarrassing. So I decide I will do it myself. I'm going to trim the rim, snip snip.
I go to my bathroom, which is the only private place in the house, and I look for a small sharp pair of scissors my mom used to cut my head hair when I was younger. I eventually find them in a small cubby where all the brushes and combs are. They're tiny and pink but you can tell they're really sharp. I'm ready to this. I pull down my boxers and I put one leg up on the bathtub, and leave my other on the floor, so i'm in this kind of wide squatting position. I positioned myself in such a way that I could look into the mirror and see my ass. I spread my cheeks and look into the mirror, but I couldn't really see much, the bathroom had shitty lighting. I figured I didn't even need a mirror, I know my own body and I know where everything is. So I keep my cheeks spread and I get to it. I can easily feel the hair the second I put my hand in there, really nice bushel. I bring the scissors up to my anus and I'm doing it. I'm trimming my rim. I cautiously make the first cut. *Snip*, and I see some hair fall to the floor. I feel inside it again to see how much hair is left. There is still a good 3/4 of the bushel left. Gotta keep snipping. I get through another two good snips and there is only about a quarter of the bushel left. I'm getting really excited because my anus feels so free, its like the hairs were a prison and now my anus is being released on parole. My anus is almost free. So I get a bit cocky and I go in for the last snip. As luck would have it, my hand slips. My hand slips and I nick the inside of my anus. Hot damn. I *promise* you, you will never jump higher, you will never scream louder, you will never clench harder than when you've nicked your anus. I swear I almost swallowed up the room with my anus because I clenched so hard. The last snip was a fatality, my anus had been nicked and it was bleeding. As blood dripped from my anus I waddled over to the toilet and I got some toilet paper. I just shoved a bunch in my anus and hoped that it would stop the bleeding.
It worked. Eventually the bleeding stopped and I flushed the bloody papers down the toilet. I figured I have to disinfect my anus though. That cut could lead to an infection. I grabbed some rubbing alcohol and I squatted over the bathtub again. I tilted the nozzle of the bottle in between my spread cheeks and allowed the alcohol to infiltrate my anus. I couldn't have anticipated the pain that came next. I could only describe it as my anus being covered in gasoline and being set on fire and simultaneously stabbed with a rusty fork. I pulled the nozzle away and I felt tears welling up. I wasn't done though. There was still a quarter of a bushel in my anus, but I gave up. I *half-assed* the job, and that is how I fucked up today, snipping my anus bushel.
Wichita-: Squat over a large hand mirror. Or use a trimmer.
Zizekesha: Seconded, buy a soft trimmer specifically for this or body hair trimming in general. Tell no one its purpose and hope no one ever uses it for anything else.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1410103735 | 1410306475 | t3_2fq2c2 | t5_2to41 | 84 | SnipingLeprechaun: TIFU by opening a NSFW post in the middle of church.
This happened about 30 minutes ago. I was sitting in church, and the sermon portion of the service was about to start. Well, I have been on Reddit for about 2 months, and I have formed this habit of going on Reddit whenever I open my iPad. As I'm sitting there in church I pick up my iPad and right away I go to Reddit. I am looking through my home page; going down the feed, clicking one link right after another (life is good). Well, as I am going down the feed I lift my head and click the next link; without realizing I clicked a NSFW [post](http://www.reddit.com/r/guns/comments/2fm628/forget_the_gat_catsdogs_gat_tits_weekend_or_gtfo/). I look down at my iPad and there it is... A topless woman, with big tits, and a big gun between her tits. As quick as lightning I close the app and look to see if anyone saw. Looking to the left; I was good. As I looked to the right; there is this little old lady looking at me with this mortified look on her face. As if she was looking directly at the devil himself. My heart dropped... she saw the topless woman, and I sat there melting in my own embarrassment. I quickly looked forward; not even attempting to apologize, I knew the deed had been done, and there was nothing I could do. I sat there for the rest of the service looking straight ahead. When it was over, without making eye contact with anyone, I left with what little dignity I had left (life was no longer good).
Edit: Link to the post.
sjohnson11: Church is pointless brainwashing.
carpiocc: Everyone is entitled to their opinions but there's no need to be putting other people's beliefs down like that.
sjohnson11: It is pointless to believe in something so irrational as a "higher being." I have the right to state how fucking stupid I think it is.
PeanutButter_Bitches: Why do you have the urge to say such things?
sjohnson11: What?
PeanutButter_Bitches: WHY DO YOU HAVE THE URGE TO SAY SUCH THINGS?!?
sjohnson11: Are you stupid or something? What did I say that was so offensive? Get your head out of your ass.
PeanutButter_Bitches: Someone calling what I believe "fucking stupid" tends to offend me.
sjohnson11: Get over it. I could give a fuck what someone thinks of my beliefs. Offended? Oh boo fucking hoo... Go cry to mommy and ask Jesus to do bad things to that guy on reddit.
PeanutButter_Bitches: I don't ask bad things upon people because I'm not a bad person. I think that if you were to become more tolerant of people then you'd be happier.
sjohnson11: I couldn't be happier with life. I just do not see it as acceptable to allow or encourage people to swim around in their own stupidity.
PeanutButter_Bitches: Well why is it stupidity?
sjohnson11: There is zero evidence of a God. Is it a possibility? sure, but there is also an equal possibility that unicorns, fairies, and yetis live in a mystical land. The bible was written by *men* over 2,000 years ago. You are blindly and irrationally following a religion just because that's how you were raised. I am sorry for being an ass, but that's just who I am. Just think about the reason you believe what you believe.
PeanutButter_Bitches: I can reason that there is a higher being. Not necessarily the Christian God which I believe in but a higher being.
sjohnson11: Can you give me that reasoning? I would love to hear it. It is completely pointless to waste your entire life following a religion when you could be out enjoying life to the fullest without worrying about "sinning." There is some pretty stupid shit that is considered a sin. Other than that, there are various reason to not follow a religion. I see it as beneficial to a person's health and well-being to leave a religion.
PeanutButter_Bitches: So the principle of causality states that every material effect must have an adequate antecedent or simultaneous cause. So anything that happens must be caused by something that can make the event occur. Rationally, this cannot be denied. Using this law, I can reason that there is a higher being because there must be something that is able to be the "first causer." Because the law of causality cannot be rationally denied, this reasoning cannot be rationally denied.
sjohnson11: Yes, but what are the chances of your god being the one. There is no more proof for Yahweh than there is Zeus. Just think about it. *Who created "God?"* You contradict yourself right there. God apparently has just been hanging out in space for googls of years. So who created him? Yes, your statement can be denied. The universe was arguably sparked by the big bang. After that the universe evolved very slowly forming planets, moons, and eventually... Earth. Billions of years later, here we are. Evolved from space dust. Quite extraordinary when you think about it. It is beautiful.
PeanutButter_Bitches: It doesn't contradict itself because there MUST be a first causer. And god is the first causer.
sjohnson11: You are contradicting yourself right now. Who was the *First causer* of "God?"
PeanutButter_Bitches: Exactly, so if God has a causer then that causer would need a causer and so on. This will regress into infinity. However we know that the earth has a beginning and if the earth has a beginning then something had to have caused that Big Bang which was the beginning. This something then must have always infinitely been and always infinitely will be. This something must have the power to create the universe and the knowledge to make it so complex and diverse. This something is god.
sjohnson11: You have no scientific proof to back your claims. You are going from what delusional pedophiles 2,000 years ago said and you were taught. You never answered the question... Who created god? As for what caused the big bang is a puzzle, but it will be solved one day. Out of all of the things that are a possibility a God is very low on the list.
PeanutButter_Bitches: No one or nothing created God. My proof is logic and reason. Rationally, you cannot deny what I've told you. It goes against reason and it goes against logic.
| 23 | 3.652174 | |
1410102514 | 1410143873 | t3_2fq0ms | t5_2to41 | 103 | Lexi8745: TIFU by making my team name ''Schlong Brothers''
So in our math class, we got to play a game. We had to create teams.
But before this, we had sex ed where we also had to create names. Because it was sex ed, we made funny dick jokes and one of them ended up becoming our team name. Our motto was to ''Keep our schlongs and morale high''. My group of friends and I won that sex ed game and got some candy as our prize.
Anyway, we had the same group for math. So, because we were still not thinking, our team names were either ''Sex Machines'' or ''Schlong Brothers''.
We chose ''Schlong Brothers.'' Needless to say, it didn't end well.
Our math teacher didn't understand what schlong meant, but the other teacher whose room we were working in did.
As soon as our math teacher wrote schlong onto the board (in big, block capital letters), the other teacher instantly had a shitfit. His face went red, he started shouting about how we are not allowed to use this kinds of words in class, but then he instantly pin points his rage towards me, and asks:
''What does schlong mean, Lexi?''
''It's slang for p-p-penis.''
''If you can't even say it properly in class, why do you think it's allowed here?''
''Because it's funny.''
Suspended and note sent to parents.
tl;dr: named our math game team schlong brothers, teacher went mad.
johnnywacko: Suspended?! ROFL you are old enough to have sex ed but then you can't say schlong? What if you had said penis pals instead?
Arsestolemyname: Welcome to north america
mastersword83: I don't buy it. In North America you're not allowed to have fun in sex ed, you have to sit there, blank faced or you get lectured
Evilkill78: *and get lectured
| 5 | 20.6 | |
1410103992 | 1410105889 | t3_2fq2pd | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by being disrespectful to my dad
Dinosoarman: Sooo, not a fuckup
[deleted]: no, more of a, did I fuck up?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410104495 | 1410121321 | t3_2fq3gi | t5_2to41 | 13 | SinisterEcho: TIFU by commenting on Facebook.
So this happened about a month ago, haven't posted been busy (I broke my femur recently).
So this emo/scene girl posts on Facebook, screenshots of messages between her and an ex-boyfriend all lovey dovey and shit. With the caption "I told you we loved each other..." So I comment saying "We get it, you miss him, move on."
Comment gets deleted and she blocks me (as expected). So fast forward a day or so later, I'm waiting for my friend to finish summer school class so I can get a ride home. And the chick shows up, I'm thinking to myself "please don't notice me." She sees me immediately comes over and says "You are a fucking asshole to mock someone after their fucking boyfriend dies. (My eyes widen, I begin to feel like shit) I hope you go to hell you fucking cunt." And all I could bring myself to say is "Oops" she goes off like Nagasaki. I leave while being yelled at/screamed at, and decide to go wait by my friends car feeling like shit.
tl;dr make comment about girl needing to move on, find out her boyfriend died two days later.
coccyx420: I heard broken femur is worst pain ever. How bad? How was it or howd it happen?
SinisterEcho: I was longboarding with my ex. Was sliding the board, my left leg came off, just stayed in the same place, but the rest of my body kept moving. That inertia caused it to snap, for 30 seconds it was the most intense pain, after that I was calm. I knew what happened and my ex does not deal with panic well. I called my mother in a calm voice "Yeah you should come pick me up, I broke my leg." http://i.imgur.com/2JMazu0.png Was at hospital for a long time until surgery, because you cant eat or drink for 12 hour or the anesthesia will make you very sick. http://i.imgur.com/byMJNE6.png They put a titanium rod and two nails in my leg. The surgery took longer than expected because they had a difficult time lining the bones up. I have nerve damage in my foot from the injury/surgery. I am in a wheelchair at the moment and will be for half a year. So yeah. :/
EffiesCet: Damn, that's a really bad break.
SinisterEcho: Yeah, doctor was amazed at my pain tolerance.
SilithDark: Holy fuck.
I don't think that's pain tolerance, I think it's pain *overload*.
SinisterEcho: Well I broke my arm before so I wasn't that scared, I was aware, I'm pretty sure it wasn't shock
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1410105016 | 1410106514 | t3_2fq474 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Random_Expletive: TIFU by not going to the doctor.
This has actually been this month I fucked up, due to the course of action I took over the last month leading to this ultimate crescendo of pain. Ok.....
So. About 4 weeks ago, i got a UTI. For those of you who don't know that is a urinary tract infection. Basically means you need to pee all the fucking time, you feel sick and peeing feels like Satan's firey wrath coming out of your bladder....you feel this way 24/7 until you get it treated.
Well I woke up one morning experiencing this awful thing and suffered through the day, telling myself I would go to the doctors tomorrow. However the next morning, I woke up and my symptoms were much less severe.
"Awesome" my idiot brain said with glee "I don't need to treat this infection! I'll ignore it and it will go away!"
No
Although the symptoms were somewhat muted I was still a bit uncomfortable. But I continued to ignore it. Rinse, repeat this cycle for three more weeks and we get to where I am now.
Yesterday I woke up with a bit of pain in my abdomen and back. Throughout the day it got worse and worse until my dad took me to the doctors in the evening. By then it felt like I was giving birth through my ribs.
The doctors took my blood, and did an ultrasound, and if turns out I now have a kidney infection. They gave me some antibiotics and sent me on my merry way. But I still have to come back because the antibiotics are only for the UTI and not the damage I've done to my insides.
Well now it is 1:16 am here, I need to be up in 4 hours and I'm writing this post whilst my kidneys scream at me in pain. I can't sit still, I can't lie down, I certainly can't sleep, this pain is unbearable.
Go to the doctors kids, or else you might send your organs on strike
TL;DR I broke my kidneys
mamaswirl: Urinary tract, bladder and kidneys? They're all connected.
Random_Expletive: Well yeah I know that now that one of them is having a tantrum
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410106049 | 1410177734 | t3_2fq5ug | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by checking my girlfriends icloud account!
I usually just check it to see where she is and to know when she will be home. Not a big deal, but she does not know about it. Anyways, with all that has been Fappening, apple now sends notifications to users cell when a login has been make. Now she thinks someone tried to get into her account! Hahaha. I blamed it on our iTunes sync software. She bought it, I hope. :).
CakerShaker: Let me add that it's my cell account, I bought the phone for her, we share the phone, and I opening use the phone. Not sure if that makes a difference.
TIFUOutOfContext: I mean if you share the account, no big deal there. But you might want to tell her about said features.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1410106151 | 1410128011 | t3_2fq5zv | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to a strip club and getting a lap dance with my fiancee (Wall of Text - NSFW?)
So let me preface this with the fact that my fiancee is not a wild person. She is normally reserved, doesn't drink much, never partied hard, no drugs, serial monogamist, etc. It's part of the reason I am marrying her, I love that she isn't the kind of girl who used to make out with her friends for free shots at frat parties.
Also, I hate strip clubs. I get very depressed when I am in a strip club. I can't stop thinking about the percentage of people there (employees and customers ) who are just super lonely. I hate club music. I quit smoking and sitting in the smoke makes me want to smoke so fucking bad. I don't like the girls who pressure you into giving them money just to leave you alone, I hate paying cover to get into a place, and the drinks are always way overpriced.
My friend and his wife have been breaking our balls to go out with them before the wedding and he kept telling me I had to go to a strip club before I got married. I tried my to avoid him but when he pressed for a couples dinner date, I thought it would be harmless. How could fine Italian food turn into strip club night?
We get to the restaurant and we're drinking and laughing and out of nowhere my buddy brings up the strip club. He keeps saying that we need to get out of our comfort zone and we're square. This guy is one of my tripping partners so he knows I am far from a square, I just would rather smoke weed in my pajamas then sit in a strip club spending my hard earned money on something I can't eat and won't get my high. It's about priorities. At 31, I know what I like and what I don't as far as things I have already experienced go.
My fiancee was playing off of me. She kept saying that she had never been to a strip club and it would be cool. She is trying to be the cool one for once and it is pissing me off because I KNOW I will be getting into a fight if we go to this strip club. I can't even go to a fucking diner with her without her telling me I am looking at a waitress or something. She presses for it anyway. I very vocally expressed my hatred for this idea and it only made things worse.
Next thing I know, the four of us are in a strip club. My fiancee points out that one of the girls was the cutest. She keeps saying things like: Why do you think this is a depressing place? These guys are lonely and they're getting company and these girls are getting paid to basically cuddle these guys. It's not sad and lonely. She keeps telling me to stop acting like an asshole and it's fun.
When my buddy offered to buy us a lap dance, I knew she would hate it, I knew she'd be mad, I knew it'd be a fight the next day but I went with it because I wanted her to to lay in the bed she made. I was trying to teach her a lesson by making her learn the hard way since she wouldn't listen to me. I told her before we went that there was no way my extreme friend wouldn't have us on stage or something before the end of the night. I tried to warn her. I went ahead with the lap dance with a huge smile to teach her a lesson.
I have never seen her so awkward. The stripper didn't touch me, only her and she HATED it. I stared at her face the whole time, relishing her hatred for it. She just looked straight ahead like she was being tortured at Abu Gharib.
She faked being happy the rest of the night but when we got home she wouldn't talk to me. She even flushed my fucking weed down the toilet just to piss me off. We got in a huge argument the next morning and she tried to blame me. I told her I did it to teach her a lesson. When I say I don't want to do something for two hours, she should trust me. Apparently, I'm the asshole here even though she is the jackass that landed us there in the first place buy trying to be one of the cool kids.
Ugh, I had to get that out.
TL, DR: Prude fiancee thought she was cool by accepting friends invite to strip club then flipped out on me when they made us get a lap dance and there was a dirty stripper ass in her face.
TallGear: Perhaps she isn't the one if she intentionally pushes your buttons and blames you for her issues. You aren't even married yet and she's picking fights and antagonizing you in ways reserved for married couples.
If I were you (and I am not) I might be looking to break it off. It sounds like to me that marrying her would make your life quite miserable.
WowMuchShiba: Yeah, may be too late to pull out (for various reasons), but you never EVER want to live with someone like this. If their life gets worse then they will blame you for it. Same for the guy or girl. People gotta build eachother up or a marriage won't last.
TallGear: It's not too late until the papers are signed and the rings are put on.
| 4 | 5 | |
1410101108 | 1410128866 | t3_2fpyos | t5_2to41 | 26 | MikeHuntIsHuge: TIFU by eating lasagna
This all began a little over a week ago when I was at my sisters birthday party at my parents house. Our family was sitting around the dinner table as my grandma did the last minute preparations before it was time to eat. She then brought out the lasagna to the table. I was hungry as hell because I pretty much always am- thus, I was paying no attention to anything but my dinner. While eating, I did overhear my grandma complaining about her mouth. Wasn't really a concern of mine because there was still food in front of me and priorities are priorities.
So fast forward a little over a week. I am now back at my house near my university. I just got off work and thought that the lasagna in the freezer sounded amazing. So I went home and defrosted it/heated it up. I then began the last square of lasagna I'll ever eat.
I was eating, near done with my lasagna, when something odd happened. I bit down on one of the last pieces to find what I thought was a VERY hard noodle. I tried to bite again- it will not crunch. I then spit the hard part on my plate to find my grandmother's tooth. As you can imagine many thoughts were going through my head. I sat there in shock for about 10 minutes then went to the bathroom blew chunks.
Since the occasion (about 3 days) I've only been able to eat cereal.
Tl;dr- I ate lasagna and munched on my grandmother's long lost tooth
LasagnaTheories: Interesting...
oddastronaut: omg this is fucking incredible
LasagnaTheories: Hey! Happy Lasagna day!
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1410106639 | 1410113121 | t3_2fq6q3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | darthjammer224: Tifu by forgetting. And possibly ruining a semester.
So this happened last night or this morning however you look at it.
Let's start off with the basics. I'm a junior in high school taking a dual credit college algebra class. The homework is not for a grade. Bit the quizzes are. The catch is the quizzes can't be done without doing the homework first.
The deadline for homework is Saturday at midnight however I am not used to this as it is a new concept and this is the first week at our school. So after work today I'm exhausted from 8:30 hours. I completely forget. My brain will not remember what it is I'm forgetting to do tonight. Oh well I'll remember later... Later like 2 am when I look at the clock and realize homework is due over the weekend. Not Monday. And realize I got a 0 on four quizzes. Now my only grades are four goosegs.
I have a zero in my class. And I have no clue how hard it will be to make up. I may have fucked my entire semester before I even really started it. FML.
I emailed my teacher to kiss ass a little and tell him about how my brain didn't register what needed to happen tonight. And that I felt terrible for letting him down. And that I was going to do everything to 100% that I possible could right that fucking minute ( and I did). And asked if there was a possibility for me to take the wuizes tommorow for a lesser grade. Obviously I don't have a reply at 4 in the fucking morning. But here's to hoping I don't have a zero in the class. I really fucked up here guys. And now I'm scared shirtless of my parents and my teacher. I just want to sleep for a year and try again in 2015
dat_karp: Just drop the class. It's not worth stressing yourself over it if your professor doesn't allow you to make-up the grades.
darthjammer224: I think its too late for that. I'd still have to pay for it
dat_karp: Whether or not you're getting a refund for the class, you should be getting a grade of W (withdrawn) for the class if you drop it. This grade does not affect your GPA.
Well, that's how it is in my state anyways.
darthjammer224: he said it goes as a f on transcript... Missouri
dat_karp: Well, I guess there's not much to do then. I wish you the best of luck. It won't be easy, but 100% everything is still possible.
darthjammer224: yeah. Im going to go in early tomorrow and apologize and explain myself to him... I guess i just forgot. This week has been hectic as hell. new school new form of homework on computer. new schedule. I just go overloaded and blanked. maybe hell take mercy on me being the first week and only a 4 day week at that
dat_karp: I'd bring your work schedule just in case he asks for it, or at least to show him how hectic your week has been.
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1410106870 | 1410127748 | t3_2fq72t | t5_2to41 | 63 | DMFthrowaway: Tifu by assuming the door was closed.
Throwaway because reasons.
So I was at my girlfriend's house a few days ago. We went out to dinner, came back, walked her dog (a small fluffy lapdog), and watched Netflix. After a while we went up to her room and started messing around. We make out then I go down on her(my favorite hobby btw, also yummy). After she arrives at the station, it's time for her to return the favor. I lay down and she starts working her magic on me. She is amazing and just mmmm.
About 10-15 minutes into it, I hear a jingling at the bedroom door. It's her dog trying to come snuggle. I assure her I closed the door. Not even a second after those words leave my lips does this fucking guy jump up onto to the be and sit down next to my girlfriends head. Now, this dog is super friendly and will lick your face off it he gets a chance. We try shooing him off the bed, but he just lays down with a goofy dog-smile on his face. Both of us are in a state that's a mix of sheer terror and uncontrollable laughter. This entire time I'm still in her mouth and the dog is starting to get curious.
As her dog starts sniffing everything out, my girlfriend keeps taking me deeper into her mouth to keep him off of my junk. At the same time though she can't stop laughing, which is a problem because whenever she laughs her mouth closes. So as she's taking me deeper and deeper, her teeth are clamping down like an enamel vice and her dog is sniffing around my junk.
And then it happens. Cold wet tongue right on the base of my shaft. The same tongue he licks his asshole with. Lap. Lap. Lap
My girlfriend gags and laughs uncontrollably. I immediately scream "NOPE, nopenopenopenope" pull out, and assume the fetal position. She finally gets him out of the room and we have a a laugh, the same kind of horrified laugh you have after a shocking event. Then after copious amounts of cleaning, we went back to it and got her off a second time.
To;dr my girlfriend is da real MVP
MOIxROCKT: I'm not even a guy and my non existing balls are all cringing.
LewisLewis: Oddly enough this was just the right amount of erotic reading material mixed with wtf to leave me with a very strange boner... I'm gonna go now, uh, cause reasons.
Gotta look at some gore or some pictures of Joan Rivers or something to get rid of this thing.
dapablke: > Gotta look at...some pictures of Joan Rivers or something to get rid of this thing.
Too soon
LewisLewis: No such thing when you've been using her image to get rid of awkward boners for the past decade.
Mika_Waya: He has a point there.
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1410109141 | 1410118111 | t3_2fqar0 | t5_2to41 | 21 | lvandril: TIFU by joyriding w/out license while parents are out.
I've observed this subreddit for about a month and my heart has gone out to you all. Now as of this morning I have my own story to share. I'm 15 years old and my 16th birthday is tomorrow. I have a driving permit and I don't get my license for another 3 months because Illinois law requires 9 months with a permit. As a passive-aggressive and rebellious statement, I've taken out 1 or the other of my parents' cars (a GMC van and an Audi convertible) out for a spin, like if they go out somewhere and i would order a pizza and pick it up. It's very risky and illegal if I were to ever get pulled over by "Officer Friendly". However, I trust myself behind the wheel so I did it many times. Here's where I fucked up: last night my parents went out to the city so I drove the van to a friend's house for a party. When I returned I neglected to park it in exactly the right place in the driveway, enough for my dad to notice, and when he checked the next morning he FOUND MY SUNGLASSES. I got confronted and got a whole lecture and I have no idea what will happen now. So the moral of the story is quit while you're ahead. Things could have ended much worse for me. TLDR: Frequently drove without a license, dad found my sunglasses inside van, whoops.
Bdizzle420247: I live in Illinois and I've never met an officer friendly in my life. I've met officer beats his wife and officer coke head many times, but never officer friendly.
lvandril: The police are pretty vicious here. This white collar town that I live in probably has them bored. I put officer friendly in quotes to emphasize my sarcasm.
Officer_Friendly: Hey I exists!!
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1410108799 | 1410371645 | t3_2fqa73 | t5_2to41 | 127 | KingR10: TIFU by giving a strip club access to my debit card
Hey guys, first post here and it's a pretty big fuck-up on my end. You see, I'm just an average U.S. college student at your average U.S. university, and naturally I go to parties, get drunk etc. Friday night rolls around, I go to hang out with friends, get drunk, go to a party, meet some new guys and just like that I'm at a strip club pretty heavily inebriated. Now, this is my first time at a strip club, but even I know you ALWAYS use cash, especially if you want a private dance. So I go up to the ATM when some strippers ask me if I want to "have fun". I told them that I had to get some cash first when they told me not to worry, that I could just use my cards. Being a complete drunk and horny moron, I listened to them and trusted them. They seemed nice, real nice. So all of a sudden I'm in a private room with three or four strippers. But before anything else happened, they made me sign some sheets and got my fingerprints. Little did I know that instead of the $500 ~ or so that they said 4 girls for an hour would be (plus tips), the sheet actually stated around $2,500, which is pretty much my whole fucking checking account (keep in mind the room was really dark and I was also drunk and horny). After that everything seemed all fine and good (it was honestly pretty fun in the moment) and I went home with my cards intact. However I went to check my balance at an ATM the next morning and was fucking shocked to discover I had but $70 in my account. I had to cancel my card, call my parents, try to get at least SOME of my money back (still a microscopic possibility, mind you; the bank's doing everything they can, but the club has my fingerprints and signature) feel ashamed and betrayed, and just really fucking mad at myself. That was a least a whole summer's worth of working at a theme park plus some from when I was bagger at a grocery store. It's not all bad news; I still have enough money in my other account and my last paycheck coming from the theme-park, and I did learn some very valuable life lessons. But goddamn does it suck. All well, things can only get better from here, right?
*EDIT* The club dropped $600 from the charges thus far (on their own). I also just filed a dispute claim and the bank is further investigating.
goldustwoman: You don't happen to live in LA do you? If you do, was this at Skin? I used to work there and we had to get fingerprints on any guy who ran dances on a credit card because while we didn't sell alcohol, we could never be sure who was drunk as shit, sort of drunk, or high on drugs, or actually sober. When most of the girls and some of the management are also inebriated, it's kind of necessary. And I hate to be like this, but it's no one's job to baby sit you or figure out how intoxicated you are and to tell you what to do with your money.
IfGirWasAGinger: I've worked at some clubs in the southeast that used the same system. Though I'm sure this was not the case with OP, I'm fairly certain that it's to keep patrons from lying and saying that they didn't agree to the charges. It is a lot of money after all. A signature can be forged, but a fingerprint is unquestionable.
goldustwoman: It's also used in overseas transactions that include large sums of money on credit/debit cards. But yes I'm sure it happens at other clubs as well. Guys wanna act like somehow it's the stripper's job to mind read where they've come from and how much booze and drugs they've had prior to arrival and then to be some naked Florence Nightengale and just "be nice" and comp dances to dudes who "didn't know!" after we've told them 10 times how much dances are. If we strippers acted like that we would all go out of business. Honestly. If you're an adult male with a checking account you do not need a stripper to baby sit you. Man up.
KingR10: I'm not saying I'm not totally responsible (because I definitely am), but I wish they would have told me how much they were A) actually charging and B) not bring in more girls than I originally thought (somehow I ended up with four, not two). The club took complete advantage of me. They pressured me into signing and I wasn't in the proper mindset to rationally think my decision. At the time I thought I was legitimately paying $500 because that's what the strippers told me, $900 at the max if I went over the first hour. But certainly not $2,500. Just because you're a strip club does not excuse you from scamming your intoxicated customers out of all their hard-earned money.
goldustwoman: And how do you know that these strippers knew how much you had had to drink prior to entering their club? Did you tell them exactly how much you had imbibed? Did you tell them you were not in a correct state of mind? Because let me tell you it's not always easy to determine who's really intoxicated and who isn't, based on, say, smell of their breath or their words or their actions. I've dated men who could drink a bottle of Jack and still hold entirely coherent conversations and not slur or stumble. So to assume that everyone around you knew how drunk you were is erroneous. No one can know these things with an exception of actually passing out which from my reading of your story, you didn't do. As for other women, you could easily have asked them to leave. If you were coherent enough to ask one woman to dance for you, you were coherent enough to ask two more women to stop.
KingR10: Honestly I didn't even ask them to dance, they just kind of snatched me up and did all the work for me. Surely I must have seemed pretty intoxicated just to let it all slide without a second thought, which I was.
goldustwoman: Some guys just go along with things. In the past, I have had customers who would drop $20-250k a night, just having every girl in the club dancing for them in VIP. No problem. Would do this multiple times a week for years at a time (obviously very wealthy men, some young trust fund kids, some older) but my point is just because you went along with the dances doesn't mean to a stripper at least that you're intoxicated it simply means you want tits in your face and you have some money. I mean even if the girls had been explicit about the prices and what was going on wouldn't you have been too intoxicated to really understand anyways? Im just trying to give you a different perspective here as someone who was a dancer for many years. What you see as malicious I see as a mutual misunderstanding. I promise you that girls don't just sit around waiting for drunk men to come in to rob. We have bills to pay and crazy managers on our asses to get dances and if some guy rolls up and wants dances we just do it. I've had instances where a guy falls asleep in VIP and I would tell the manager to stop the charges because well he's asleep but the manager wouldn't stop the charges! So if anyone is to blame blame the management they are often slave drivers and don't really care about the dancers or the customers. I've wheeled out drunk guys and called them cabs myself. So instead of this narrative of "all strippers are opportunistic bitches" keep in mind we have huge house fees to pay, we get fired if we don't make certain quotas, and the managers often are the ones with the final say over the charges. And let me tell you if you succeed in getting that charge back, those dancers who you paid will have to pay out of their own pocket for between 20-50% of the total of the dances plus whatever fees the club ran up with the chargeback hassle. So they will pay out of pocket and possibly be fired and the manager will blame all it on them when the owner complains. So the dynamic at the very least is not simply one of some shitty dancers screwing you. If anything it's a club managed by someone who wanted as much money from you as possible and told girls to get it on pain of being fired. So let's at least look at this angle instead of just saying strippers suck.
| 8 | 15.875 | |
1410107930 | 1410219382 | t3_2fq8td | t5_2to41 | 34 | rgb003: TIFU by telling my best friend's girl I don't like her.
Literally 5 minutes ago...
My buddy has been dating this girl for over a year now. When he first introduced us I told him i didn't approve, but he kept seeing her anyway. After a few weeks she sorta grew on me and I was able to look past nearly all the reasons I had originally disapproved.
You know how in the first episode of /r/HIMYM Robin has friends then after that episode we never see any of them again? Well thats how it worked with this girl. Some how I had become her closest friend along the way.
Jump to a few months ago my buddy and her begin to always be fighting, and i seem to always be there when it occurs. It begins to wear on me and I begin to distance myself from the situation. My buddy comes to me time and again talking about how hes not happy in the relationship, and other stuff. I basically reminded him of how I told him from the beginning I did not approve. He says "you're right" and somehow over time decides he's going to end it, and tells me this.
I'm not a bad guy but this gave me a bit of relief that I wouldn't have to witness any further fights and would have my best buddy back.
Then I realized it wasn't just the fighting it was her personality also, all the reasons I hadn't approved before we now plainly evident in everything she did or said. To explain, she was captain of her High School cheer squad, emancipated herself at 17, got pregnant, and it seems like she is still living in the past (shes now 25).
Fast forward to the past few weeks I haven't been hanging out with my buddy at all and apparently She has been asking why and after a bunch of nagging he told her "/u/rgb003 is mad at you". So she texts me (again Im basically her closest friend) and asks what the deal is. I explain that i'm not directly angry with her but that... and heres where the TIFU occurred...
> I don't like you. I don't like your type of girl. I've put up with it for over a year now and it's all just wearing on me. You still have a mentality of being a stuck up high school cheer captain and I hate those kinds of girls. The kind that say they are independent yet rely on everybody around them for everything. I've noticed a distinct difference in my own personality when I'm around you. I feel just... sad. So yeah I haven't been coming to the apartment. I don't really want to go on anymore trips. And when my best friends tells me about how he's thinking of leaving the person that makes me feel that way and then he doesn't, it hurts my feelings even more and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells around you in fear I'll finally tell you the truth. I dont think you're using him for his money, I think you might actually love him. Great but I have a recorded conversation of him saying "I have loving feelings for her, but I don't think I'm in love with her anymore". So yeah. Sorry I'm not mad at you I just don't enjoy being with you.
[I done goofed!](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l72rzfBYDz1qca759.gif)
Her next response was
>well, bye
I told my buddy that i had snapped and finally told her the truth and now hes not talking to me either. I hope I didn't just lose my best friend over a girl.
Will update as the situation unfolds.
**tl;dr** told my best friends girl of 2 years (who thinks i'm her best friend also) "I don't like you. I dont like your type of girl.... I hate those kinds of girls" and now my buddy won't talk to me.
**[UPDATE]** We've been communicating briefly the rest of the day. He said "I just wish the two people that mean the most to me could get along, but thats not going to happen." He knows i'm here for him through whatever but right now I can't physically be there, hanging at their apartment and what not, for him because I can't stand to be around her, or just people like her in general. He has asked me to "fake it" for the trip to Punkin Chunkin next month. Which i told him i would do my best.
As for the people in the comments saying they would *kick my ass* for me revealing that info to her about what he had said to me, he knew he was on tape and when i recorded it I even told him, she will probably hear this as it will be in my video project most likely.
Was it a shitty thing to say? **Yes**.
Do I wish I could take it back? **Yes**.
Does that change the fact that hes said that to me on numerous occasions? *No*.
fucking_web_dev: That's not why he's not talking to you. He's not talking to you because you threw him under the bus. Maybe he wasn't ready to tell her and was just venting to his friend (who records conversations between friends anyway)
rgb003: lol I'm working on a video assignment for my senior thesis and he happened to talk about it while I was filming
SolidSmoke2021: The whole telling her what he said part was fucked up. You were only doing it to validate your reaction to her, not because you thought he wanted to.
If he wasn't ready to break things off, or if he decided he was being rash and doesn't want to break things off, you just decided for him that he did. You pretty much called him a bitch in the most passive aggressive way possible.
If I was your friend, I'd kick your ass.
rgb003: *update posted*
5unbr0: Fuck the negative karma, I think you did the right thing. Kudos to you.
rgb003: Thanks. It's whatever. Some random internet people don't like me... At least my buddy forgives me
5unbr0: You got it bud, keep doing your thing (as long as it's legal yo).
| 8 | 4.25 | |
1410110864 | 1410719713 | t3_2fqdis | t5_2to41 | 4,678 | antlife69: TIFU by fucking my aunt for months.
ElbowStrike: I recommend you keep seeing her and act like nothing happened.
antlife69: The sick part is when I weigh the pros and cons and think of her BJs I actually consider this.
UrsaPater: OK I'm going to be serious, although I'm enjoying the jokes. First, you MUST tell Aunt Sharon. You can't just disappear on her, and she has a right to know. I mean, you could disappear, but that would be a total douche move and she deserves better.
After telling her the truth, ask how she would feel about continuing to see each other. You're not talking about marriage. You deserve whatever happiness you can get in this life because all too often, *life sucks.* She probably won't want to keep sexing you. But if you both can look past it, why not? What's the difference at this point?
theodrixx: She also has the right to not know. I think people get overzealous about transparency sometimes, especially when it's a situation they're not personally involved in.
Basically, I think I personally would prefer to have a fun younger lover disappear on me than to discover that the two of us are related. Of course, this is assuming that the truth wouldn't come out eventually. Even so, I can't say that hearing such a truth earlier rather than later would even help.
veggiter: You can't have the right to not know something, because you'd need to know it in order to make an informed decision about whether or not you'd prefer to know.
theodrixx: You don't make decisions about your own rights, though. There are some things that we (the human race, more or less) have agreed that nobody wants: unjust imprisonment, being killed, being raped, etc. You have the right not to experience any of those things whether or not you personally would enjoy them. Why shouldn't ignorance of a terrible truth be a human right?
veggiter: You absolutely make decisions about your own rights: *you have the right to remain silent, to an attorney, etc., you have the right to free speech, to vote...*
You can totally choose not to invoke or take advantage of those rights.
In certain situations a right to ignorance could make sense. For example, if you put a baby up for adoption I imagine you could request to not know about who it went to. The same if you donate sperm or an organ or something.
The difference is, these rights to ignorance allow the person to invoke or revoke their own rights. If you can't make that decision, then it isn't your right.
A right to ignorance simply doesn't make sense in this situation, because you'd have to know about it to decide.
theodrixx: That is what I meant, so we're on the same page at least.
I still contend that a right to ignorance does make sense, inasmuch as there are truths that can cause harm. Of course, there's no way of knowing if a truth *will* cause harm, but that applies to the "right to know" as well.
And a right isn't defined by your agency in exercising it. You have the right to life, but if someone kills you, that's a crime whether or not you wanted to die. Another person just can't make that decision for you, even if that decision happens to align with your interests.
veggiter: >Another person just can't make that decision for you, even if that decision happens to align with your interests.
This is exactly what you are suggesting in telling OP not to tell her.
theodrixx: I did say she *also* has the right to not know. Telling OP to tell her would also be making the decision. I was basically saying that an alternative course of action exists. I do think that less damage would be done by not telling in OP's case, but that's impossible to confirm.
veggiter: And I'm saying that that is impossible.
theodrixx: What is impossible?
veggiter: Having the right to know and the right to not know in this circumstance.
It would make sense, say, with parents concerning the sex of their child, but they can make that decision because they already know the context (their child will have 1 of 2 sexes).
In this circumstance, you can't be aware of the context without really being aware of the entire thing.
We could say they have the right to know, because they have the right to know some basic, crucial information about their frequent sexual partner that might make them rethink the relationship and frame it differently.
If you say they have the right to not know, then you are inevitably making a decision about their own life for them. That is, you are deciding to wave their right to know for them. The two can't exist simultaneously, and I think the right to know must exist. Therefore, the right to not know in this situation can't exist.
You could argue that not telling them is a morally superior choice (I don't think I'd agree), but it would involve waving their right to know and would not involve the invocation of another right.
theodrixx: > they have the right to know some basic, crucial information about their frequent sexual partner that might make them rethink the relationship and frame it differently.
Why? First of all, it's not like the relationship has to continue. Secondly, I believe you're contradicting your earlier statement that the right to know doesn't make sense either in this circumstance.
veggiter: I didn't say the right to know doesn't make sense. I say the right to know **and** the right to not know don't make sense. That is, together.
You have the right to know basic shit about a sexual partner because it is the most intimate interaction you can have with another person. She has the right to know after the fact, because her memories/feelings about the situation are based on false or limited information.
theodrixx: I think we're going in circles here because you're just repeating your personal feelings about the situation without making an effort to make them relevant to me.
None of what you said convinced me, because that's just what you believe and it's not what I believe, and you have provided no real arguments, possibly because you think it's a given that people engaged in a sexual relationship should necessarily share everything that has to do with the relationship.
Well, I disagree. Total transparency is overrated. Why should you tell someone that you're not likely to see again something that will confuse and upset them? Just for your peace of mind?
Telling her would not be morally superior to not telling her, because knowing something is not really a moral right. In this case especially, not telling would most likely cause less distress, so I'm personally inclined to say that not telling is a better course of action.
veggiter: I'm not making it about my personal feelings.
In your first comment, you said this:
>She also has the right to not know.
This implies that you agree that she has the *right to know*, but also feel she is entitled to the *right to not know*.
My entire point is that these two rights cannot logically coexist in this scenario and that, really, a *right to not know* is irrational in this scenario on its own.
I think I've made it pretty clear why they can't coexist.
---------------
As far as a *right to not know* goes, it involves withholding information from her. That is, it requires a decision on the part of an outsider concerning her knowledge of her actions. You could say the same about a *right to know* as it involves an outsider deciding to tell her something. However, in this case, *telling her* provides her with the option to do something about her actions (confronting her estranged family about it, deciding on whether or not to continue this bizarre relationship, taking a very long shower, etc.). *Not telling her* removes her out of the equation entirely.
In other words, there is no *right* that's being invoked when you don't tell her. You are just withholding information from her on your own accord. Telling her might be painful, but it's providing her with something she is arguably entitled to. That's what a right is.
Blissful ignorance, what you would prefer over knowledge in this case, is not, in my opinion, something you are entitled to.
-----------------------
You may, however, argue that blissful ignorance is a better option. I think that's the center of your argument.
You are trying to make it about a *right*, when it's not about that at all. Your argument is an ethical one that claims that sometimes your own happiness outweighs your rights.
That's fine. I disagree, but I'm not willing to dispute it, as I feel its an entirely subjective point of view that would be pointless to argue about.
theodrixx: >This implies that you agree that she has the right to know, but also feel she is entitled to the right to not know.
Yeah, and then I clarified that I believe that knowing something is not a moral right to begin with.
>As far as a right to not know goes, it involves withholding information from her. That is, it requires a decision on the part of an outsider concerning her knowledge of her actions. You could say the same about a right to know as it involves an outsider deciding to tell her something. However
There's no however, because you *can* say the exact same about the right to know, because the situations are entirely similar. Whether or not you reveal some information to someone, you're making a decision about the information they have. Whether or not telling them would increase their options is irrelevant (in that it has no bearing on knowledge being a right), and in this particular case, all the new options would probably cause greater discomfort that if she were just ignorant.
>In other words, there is no right that's being invoked when you don't tell her. You are just withholding information from her on your own accord.
Again, the same can be said of telling her. There's no moral right to knowledge, and by telling her, you're giving information to her of your own accord, necessarily without her informed consent.
veggiter: >There's no moral right to knowledge
I think you'd have an extremely hard time arguing this. The right to information is a pretty well-established, and internationally recognized right:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_of_information
The only thing we have to designate something as a moral right is people agreeing that it is one. If something is recognized internationally and institutionally as a right, it's a pretty good indication that it's also a moral right.
That said, I think it goes without question that you have the right to knowledge or information that directly concerns you.
I've never heard of a right to ignorance outside of this conversation. That's not to say it isn't something worth considering, but it doesn't have the evidence for its existence (the only evidence for a right being that many people agree that it's a right) that the right to knowledge does.
-----------------
You quoted the points I made, but conveniently left out what I provided to support it, acting like I had no support for it. That is, you completely disregarded this:
>there is no right that's being invoked when you don't tell her. You are just withholding information from her on your own accord. Telling her might be painful, but it's providing her with something she is arguably entitled to. That's what a right is.
Again, you may feel that she isn't entitled to that information, but it seems like the nearly the entirety of human culture and philosophy would disagree with you.
You need a lot more reasoning than you've provided - that is, simply stating that it doesn't exist - to discredit this established right.
theodrixx: I don't know if you actually read the wikipedia article, but from an admittedly cursory glance, it seems like "freedom of information" is more like freedom of expression (let's call it free speech) in that you are free to give people what information you like and how you like. In fact, I think the article supports my argument more than it does yours, because according to free speech, it's up to the person with the information whether or not they share it (i.e. there is no inherent moral obligation to share information).
| 21 | 222.761905 | |
1410110923 | 1410136281 | t3_2fqdm7 | t5_2to41 | 53 | Shotgun10ga: TIFU by pissing my self in class
So its 10:30 am. I am in high school and at 10:30 i have science class. Half way through i fell asleep for about 30 minutes. our classes are 1hour and 15min long so i woke up in time to jot down some notes. About 5 minutes before class ends, i notice my shoes are squeaky and i look down to find a puddle of piss surrounding my desk and a few other peoples desk. I wait out class and as soon as that fucking bell rang i booked it out of class and to the wash room. When i cleaned my self up and came out of the bathroom the principle and vice principle were standing there with the science class teacher. I got suspended for 3 days.....
Jarbatalapus: You got suspended for that?
I realize it's gross, and weird, but suspension?
Shotgun10ga: I dont know. But i dont got school for 3 days now lol
ndt28570: I understand getting suspended. Sleep in class can get you in a lot of trouble in some schools. And it doesn't matter what school you go to. If you piss in class you are fucked.
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1410108050 | 1410158898 | t3_2fq8zy | t5_2to41 | 18 | MyAlteredEG0: TIFU by having an "accident" in the middle of sex.
OK. It’s my time to shine or more precisely, to be humiliated. Therefore throwaway. Also this happened many years.
I (male) chatted with Paul (not his real name) for a few weeks before we finally decided to meet for our first date. Since he was nice enough to drive a long distance (about 3 hours) to meet me at my place, I thought I would be extra nice for him as well. Instead of taking a shower, I smoked some weed and did a douching (I wasn’t gonna let him drive 3 hours for nothing) and took a nice relaxing bath. But when I greeted him at the door, I was disappointed with his looks. He was shorter than me which I already knew. But he was also bald, not in a good way. But beauty is skin deep right? What he lacked in physicality, he made up in other ways – he owned a house with a pond (he had pictures of his house on his profile) and he was really sweet towards me.
After a nice leisurely walk in a park, we rested on my bed with a glass of wine. Before I knew, we were making out. But I felt a discomfort in my lower stomach as he was pounding my ass as I was laying down on my stomach, which was my favorite position. He was average in size so I thought the discomfort would go away soon if I just put little more lube in there. Suddenly Paul stopped what he was doing and said, “MyAlteredEg0, look at this!” I noted his concern on his voice and turned my head quickly to see where he was pointing at. His genital area was all covered with chocolate water which extended to my thighs and ass and the mattress that touched them – all brown and wet. I was still hazy from the weed but it hit me that it was the douching water that was somehow retained in my body was finally expelled with all the contents.
OutOfMoneyError: > I thought I would be extra nice for him
and made him a cup of hot chocolate
Lewisplqbmc: Pity it was too hot. Paul still managed to inhale the entire marshmallow, however.
| 3 | 6 | |
1410113553 | 1410114604 | t3_2fqhw0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | FancySandvich: TIFU by leaving my headlights on.
So me and my girlfriend and both in high school. She is a boarding student and I am a day student. So we had just spend an evening together: swimming, picnic, movie all good stuff. Then comes time for me to drive her back to the dorm. We are both feeling desire an decide to go to an empty parking lot. We shift to back seat and start getting frisky. So a bit into it a campus security drives by. I didn't think much of it; BIG MISTAKE. We go back at it and then a few minutes later headlights are shining through the windows. Fuuuuuck. Pretty sure my heart stopped. We struggle to get ourselves put together and face the campus security. So they give us the whole speech, and then tells me that they knew cause my headlights were on. Now my girlfriend is grounded by the RA's, possible going to get a suspension or even expulsion, we'll have be to the subject of gossip for 2 years of high school, and my parents might be informed. All because I was too stupid to turn off my headlights when we got frisky.
G_Wizzy: Did you get to finish?
toastedcolacake: This guy asks the tough questions.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410112811 | 1410185870 | t3_2fqgof | t5_2to41 | 65 | zoricabrunclik: TIFU by taking my gf to my favourite classy restaurant
Basically we had clams and decided to go for a dessert. They bring out finger bowls for each of us as we wait for it (you know, bowl of water and lemon to rinse your fingers as you've just eaten with them) and she asks why they brought it out and I, thinking she's fuckin with me, sarcastically reply "it's a refreshment before the dessert". She takes that literally and drinks from it at which point it seems to me like the entire freaking restaurant is looking at her doing it...
Still not sure whether I fucked up or she did, but in any case it was embarassing as hell! McDonalds it is next time...
themonkery: Never been to a fancy restaurant, never heard of finger bowls. You should probably realized that the *majority* of people have no idea what a finger bowl is mate.
kittens_in_mittens_: Finger bowls aren't that uncommon, at least in the states. Even non fancy places have them in they serve messy foods like ribs or bbq chicken.
themonkery: I live in the states, been all over. Never heard of em.
TILmonstaar: Me too. I've been to 44 states and have never heard of them. Maybe I'm just too poor.
themonkery: Nah, OP just doesn't realize he's high class. It's not that you have to be poor to not know what they are. It's that you have to be wealthy to know what they are. Most people have never even been in a fancy restaurant.
| 6 | 10.833333 | |
1410110019 | 1410217846 | t3_2fqc63 | t5_2to41 | 5 | tellor52: TIFU by getting caught pirating the kim kardashian sex tape.
so my mom got a cease and desist letter from Comcast saying I downloaded the video. so my mom wasn't even mad about the video but mad about the letter. still, extremely terrifying and embarrassing
IDonthaveMeningitis: Holy shit, this sort of stuff actully happens in America! Im from Norway and if something like that would happend would it ether go to the media or the police at once, i mean how do you accept such obvious breach of privecy?
tellor52: It was just a cease and desist letter. But technically I stole something copyrighted.
IDonthaveMeningitis: No, om talking about the fact that your internet provider is monetoring and acting on that information, what would they do if they saw you on 4chan?
tellor52: Nothing. They didn't do it. IIRC it was a complaint by vivid entertainment who was monitoring that specific torrent
| 5 | 1 | |
1410115300 | 1410150406 | t3_2fqktg | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by being terrible at flirting when a girl i'm into sent me a super sexy pic.
Background:
This girl ive started seeing (both in our late 20s) has been pretty hard to read, which has turned my (usually more forward) approach into one thats a bit slower. We met online and had a few dates but nothing physical, I tried to make a move on the second date after ending up at her house but she resisted, and said she felt confused because we had been splitting the bill, and assumed it was a friends thing. We were both drunk, I tried to sleep on the couch, she asked 'what the F are you doing?' and told me to come upstairs but nothings going to happen. We later talked and joked about the awkwardness and made it clear im into her for more than just friends.
Third date i kissed her at her house but it was super late and she said she was tired, I ended up leaving and got another kiss on the way out.
There were times that night where i could have made a move earlier, but i was trying to avoid another awkward moment and wasnt getting a good read on what she was in for. Maybe played it too safe, but whatever.
So in my mind shes just taking it slow, nice girl type, which is fine, im into her.
We text almost daily, on thursday she texts me saying she must have missed some holiday cause her roommates both got roses from their guys. I send her a pic of a rose and say dont be left out, and wish her luck on the interviews she had that day. She texts back that you cant just give someone a rose, you have to take them on dates first. Tone is obviously tough to read through texts, especially since we're still getting to know eachother, i got a -joking but sorta not- tone (could be wrong).
Anyway cut to fri night, its my birthday and im out of town with friends for the weekend. We're texting, she jokes that im being taken to a strip club, I said im not and sent a pic of me being goofy that my friends just took. She says she has a stripper pic to send me in return, but she doesnt know if ill appreciate it. I tell her I think I will. I did not expect it to be her in sexy lingerie looking ridiculously hot. which it was. It was awesome. My exact initial response was was "ahhhh yes I absolutely appreciate that, that's way better than anything I have going on here".
Kinda lame maybe, but i was taken off guard and we havent hooked up other than a couple kisses.
She calls me out, says "that was a boring response... what am i supposed to say to that?? I was waiting for a 'I cant wait to pull your hair while i give it to you in that outfit' ".
Feeling a little like i insulted her, I try to recover with a dirty message about sending her a pic of the hard-on her picture gave me. Im out with friends, I wasnt going to send it, just trying to be dirty. She says she doesnt want it, just wanted me to tell her dirty things i want to do to her.
The thing is im usually all about dirty texting, and im usually the one who's prob dirtier. And somehow i found myself feeling awkward with this unexpected opportunity to tell this girl how much I wanted to give it to her.
I'm feeling like i totally dropped the ball at this point, I'm with friends (and people are trying to see who im texting which not helping) but i step aside and call her, I tell her a few dirty things, (still not feeling in the zone about it after being called out for being lame) and thank her for the sexy birthday present, and she says she'll let me go get back to my friends. I tell her enjoy the rest of her night and ill be in touch with her over the weekend. She gives me this "be in touch???" line, maybe i was being awkward, I dont know. She says just talk to her when im back home.
We didnt text on saturday, and today (sunday) after i got home i sent her a message asking how the rest of her weekend went, thinking about just asking her to come over tonight. still no response though. Feels like missed the opportunity to have some fun dirty texts all weekend and ruined the vibe.
How do i salvage this?
---
**tl;dr**: TIFU by failing at flirting after girl sends me super hot pic of herself.
ScallyGirl: She's playing games. Drop her.
Rzrsharpe07: like she's hot?
| 3 | 14 | |
1410116713 | 1410180464 | t3_2fqn5t | t5_2to41 | 4 | t_claudiu: TIFU by instinctively pushing my girlfriend in front of a car
My girlfriend and I were walking from one part of our city towards home (it's our small daily routine). The only thing that was different about today, was the fact that I was super-stressed and panicked due to my exams. My brain didn't work properly and neither my reflexes or "primal instincts".
So... we were crossing the street and some jackass with a car thought it would be "cool" if he came speeding, so that we will cross faster. I instantly went into save-your-own-ass-mode and unwillingly pushed my girlfriend in front of the car.
She's fine, the car didn't hit us or anything.. but it was the gesture that counts. Now she keeps making fun of me, telling me stuff like "now I know who's the one that needs to be protected in this relationship".
BMTHyaw: Yes.
t_claudiu: "Yes" to what? :D
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410117756 | 1410137577 | t3_2fqozc | t5_2to41 | 136 | slickrick24: TIFU by showing my coworker the leaked nudes
I deliver at a pizzaria where me and my coworker were talking about the recently leaked celebrity nudes. He asked if I had any of the pictures on my phone which I replyed "Yes." He looks at the nudes then turns of my phone screen and hands me my phone. I then have to take a delivery to a local company where this really hot girl that Ive had a crush on, but always been to embarresed to talk to works. I get to the company then go in the back room and start laying the pizzas on the table. As im doing this the girl Ive had a crush on walks in. I deside to talk to her dispite how nervous I am. We have a great conection both of us laughing at each others jokes, she also admits shes been too nervous to talk to me in the past as well. We figured out that we both own pit balls, so I hand her my phone which has my dog as the back ground. With my phone still in her hand she says "can I put my number in your phone?" I said of course. At that moment she swipes to unlock my phone. Her face lights up with a look of discust. Apparently my coworker did not hit the home button after looking at Duffs muff. She unlocked my phone and saw straight vagina. Before I could explain she called me a pig and left the room.
Stretch92009: You must have an awesome time playing with the pit balls. More so than playing with a dictionary, I'm just assuming.
slickrick24: I actually spend most of my time playing with your mom
Midnightbacon101: What are you, 10?
Ireland55: No but I'm 10 inches in your mom
Midnightbacon101: My mom's dead
-shitgun-: 6 feet and 10 inches then
Midnightbacon101: She was also a midget
Bootswithderfuhrer: Last time I checked the bury midgets at the same depth as the rest of us
Midnightbacon101: For some reason, I thought he meant something about height.
| 10 | 13.6 | |
1410119572 | 1410172562 | t3_2fqrz6 | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU By Not Seeing the Window.
This is my first TIFU post so here goes. I recently bought a new house and it has a feature with the sprinklers that makes them turn on and turn off during a time that you set. Well, that would be really convenient and helpful but, the second part is broken so I have to manually turn off the sprinkler after around 15 minutes. Also, the cleaners just came so all of my windows were squeaky clean.
Now for the story. My wife had just left for work and I was in a rush to choke the chicken really fast before i had to leave for my job. I took off my pants and started stroking. Then, I realize that I left the sprinklers on for way too long and was in a rush to get outside to turn them off. BUT, I didn't realize that the wall-sized window was closed so i ran penis first into the window. I immediately stopped and fell to the ground in pain and i had to call my wife to take me to to the hospital because I was pretty sure my dick was broken.
TL;DR I ran penis first into a crystal clear window.
[deleted]: Tell us how it all went.
jerechox: Went to the hospital, had to get immediate surgery for penile fracture. Now my penis has stitches, it's bruised and i have to pee like a girl. :(
HulkThoughts: Fuck are you serious? You can actually break your dick?
5unbr0: Yup, it's hard to do so. Props to OP for doing it. You need to bend an erect penis at around 40° or higher.
| 5 | 12 | |
1410120123 | 1410275576 | t3_2fqsup | t5_2to41 | 4 | WomboYourCombo: TIFU by almost ripping my dick off [NSFW]
This was last night, but whatever. Something you should know about me is that I'm a pretty jumpy and clumsy person, I'll flinch at the sight of a fly buzzing by my hand. Anyway, to add some context to the scene, I was home alone last night, sitting in my room and decided to jerk it. My room is in the basement, with a small window near the ceiling, it would be at about ground level from the outside of the house. The way my room is set up, I was sitting there jacking off right underneath said window and it had gotten pretty dark outside and I couldn't see much but I wasn't expecting anyone to come home for another hour or two.
I was just about to finish off when out of no where I hear a loud ass **BANG BANG BANG** from right above my head. I wasn't using any lotion. I jumped up, squeezed and yanked on my dick all at the same time out of panic and fear and then immediately fell to the ground, withering in pain and regret. It had been my brother trying to scare me after he got home with my family, and I had to try and not show any sign of pain while they were coming around the house. After everyone had gone to bed, I limped to the freezer and began icing my wiener.
TLDR: Jerked it, brother scared me pre-climax, most painful edging in history.
What have I learned from all this? Always use lotion. Better to be a slipper than a ripper.
[deleted]: What you should have learnt from this:
Masturbation is bad.
IIKaDicEU: What knowledge was actually attained: you talk bullshit
[deleted]: I don't talk bullshit, other people are supposed to touch your Penis.
It's perverted, being sat in a room going to town on your Dick
BloodyasHell: Pretty sure if I wasn't supposed to touch my dick it wouldn't be somewhere so convenient. Maybe like the middle of my back or back of the neck or something.
[deleted]: You're supposed to touch it to guide it into a Vagina.
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1410121655 | 1410158408 | t3_2fqvhu | t5_2to41 | 51 | DownLowsANoGo: TIFU by leaving a pregnancy test out
Throwaway account for obvious reasons, this happened about a month ago.
I'm 17 in high school and have been going out with my bf for about seven months at the time, and have been sexually active for a little over one month. We use condoms, but I was three weeks late for a period. This being my first pregnancy scare I was scared shitless and ended up having a breakdown at the target pharmacy before buying a basic pregnancy test.
Because I was freaking out, I really wasn't thinking and took the test at home and then hid them in my backpack (in a wrapper) to throw them away somewhere when I have the time. Turns out that was a very bad place to put them, because my mom bought school supplies the next day and went to put them in my backpack. She's very Christian so needless to day she was not very happy.
The kicker? I got my period two days later. Mother nature's a bitch sometimes.
BelovedofRaistlin: Good for you for using condoms, but they have the same failure rate as pulling out. You might look into birth control pills or the IUD (go to planned parenthood if your mother won't help you with this responsibility) for more peace of mind since getting pregnant doesn't seem to be an option for you even though you're sexually active. Your BF can help pay for whichever method you choose.
MountainPercussion: Condoms have the same failure rate of pulling out? Care to link that study?
BelovedofRaistlin: Whoops, forgot this is reddit. The rates are not identical but surely close enough to give pause.
http://youngwomenshealth.org/2009/11/03/success-and-failure-rates-of-contraceptives/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_birth_control_methods
http://www.arhp.org/Publications-and-Resources/Quick-Reference-Guide-for-Clinicians/choosing/failure-rates-table
MountainPercussion: Thanks for at posting something to look at. Still seems like using a condom is more intelligent than going for the old pull out method, but then maybe thats just because my luck is shit.
BelovedofRaistlin: I hear that, it's at least worth the effort.
Edit: Honestly, if it wasn't for unwanted pregnancy or the chance of STDs, I'd be sleeping with A LOT OF PEOPLE. But now I'm so careful it has definitely hurt my game :)
MountainPercussion: Haha. I have to remind my dad of this when I've told him about turning down women. That lucky bastard lived in a time where the worst that would happen was getting a Rx from the doc for a couple weeks
BelovedofRaistlin: oh yeah the good old days. you definitely have to go with your gut also!
| 8 | 6.375 | |
1410121718 | 1410210239 | t3_2fqvmu | t5_2to41 | 2 | sederts: TIFU [Meta]
Should we start posts that didn't happen today with IFU?
[deleted]: Perhaps in the future suggest your meta questions and ideas to a moderator instead.
PM_me_yourkittens: Yusssssssssssss :D
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410122773 | 1410137854 | t3_2fqxgz | t5_2to41 | 4 | puppiesr4pussies: TIFU by letting my friend use my phone in front of her bf.
Ok, so we were at my house and talking when suddenly friends gf wants to use my phone. I say ok no problem. The girl takes like 8 selfies with her bf next to her while I talk to him. He looks a little irritated but I think nothing of it because I did nothing. So afterwards, the girl gives me back my phone and her bf acts weird the rest of the night. So then I call him later and he's obviously mad. I can tell that he's mad by his one word responses and I confirmed that he's mad from mutual friend. At this point, I'm confused as to why. I still don't get it. I'm assuming he's jealous for some reason. I don't know why he's mad at me and not at his girl. I done goofed.
Astridasteroid: Are you a guy or girl
ewok_ranger: Girl.
Plot twist: she's been doing the friend and he's pissed because she found out by messing with the phone.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410121160 | 1410136675 | t3_2fqumc | t5_2to41 | 7 | Imsofnstupid: TIFU by jacking off....
...when I didn't know my door was slightly open.....and guess what!? My sister walked in, then told my mom... I'm so fucking stupid
evanthepanther: Here's what you should say if it gets brought up: "yeah I masterbate, everyone does, im just not afraid to admit it" and then go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Imsofnstupid: That's actually really great advice, thank you!
evanthepanther: No problem man. It was weird watching movies that showed sex with my parents (sounds funny lol) but once I realized that yeah, obviously they've had sex, and I enjoy sex, so whats the big deal? Pretty much like everyone does it, why be embarrassed by something that 1- doesnt hurt anyone, and 2- feels good. It's a personal thing so keep it behind closed doors, but if an accident does happen just don't give it too much thought.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410121344 | 1410173231 | t3_2fquyz | t5_2to41 | 75 | zeinshver: TIFU by tricking a blind woman into walking into a pole.
This was way back in High School. My English class from Southern Long Island went on a trip to Salem Mass. We had just finished reading The Crucible and it made sense to take a trip to the sight of the Salem Witch Trials. This is only tangentially related to what happened, but it affected my mood at the time.
Salem, for those who've never been there, is also full of strange people. It is ironically a huge spot for [Wiccans](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wicca), (tl;dr)the religion of witchcraft. So, there are a lot of strange folk walking around. Because of this, I was a little twitchy. After all I was 15 and had spent most of my life in the suburbs.
So, at one point the class was standing on the street when a woman was a walking by. She was black, very thin, bald, and blind or possibly just a had bad vision. She was walking with one of those canes that blind people use to feel the ground in front of them. She bumped into me slightly, which is understandable and I didn't mind and she uttered a slight "excuse me." I looked up to accept her excuse me and saw that she was headed straight for a lamp post. Horrified, I shouted the first thing that came to my mind,
"**WATCH OUT.**"
She, not seeing the pole and thinking that I was mad at her for bumping into me, turned around and started screaming at me. "Can't you see that I'm blind." etc etc" I couldn't blame her. Even if I wasn't being rude to a blind woman, taking unreasonable offense for her mild bump, I was stupid enough to say "watch out," to someone incapable of watching anything.
Of course, when I said this I was using it in the figurative sense, to warn her of the impending obstacle on the street. But she had no way of knowing this.
I was all the more frightened, by her odd appearance, which seemed to increase the effects of her misplaced anger.
Anyway, after she was finished yelling, she wheeled right around and smacked her face right into the pole, making a dull, hollow, banging sound.
Now if i had just kept my stupid mouth shut, she probably would have felt the post with her feeling cane and sidestepped it. But because I was a silly stupid teenager who had to get involved, I distracted her and caused her to hurt herself.
I didn't feel very good about myself that day.
TL;DR I distracted a blind woman while she was walking and caused her to walk into a lamp post.
edit:formatting
Harlequinphobia: I bet she didn't see that coming.
mrhankey129: [r/imgoingtohellforthis]
(http://www.reddit.com/r/ImGoingToHellForThis)
payattentionimsmart: OP did, and he's going to hell for it
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1410123971 | 1410127879 | t3_2fqzjc | t5_2to41 | 14 | kabbage123: TIFU by swatting a fly
It was 3AM and a fly was flying around, keeping me awake. I turned on my light to see where he was, went in for the kill, then...
[...this happened](http://i.imgur.com/Sbk2LeI.jpg)
[At least I got him!](http://i.imgur.com/6OXsFPA.jpg)
So I was too tired to go back to sleep, so I lay down a towel and slept on top of the shattered glass all over my bed. Haven't done that since my Catholic days.
moonkeh: I was expecting a story about calling in a bomb threat while the fly was live-streaming, catching the whole police raid on the gopro attached to its head.
kabbage123: He probably would have preferred that.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410118820 | 1410191384 | t3_2fqqrf | t5_2to41 | 3,153 | TheBagelGuy: TIFU It's ok, I'm wearing pants.
So this is an old story, happened in my freshman year of college about a decade ago.
I had a Monday evening statistics class that ran from about 6:30 to 9 o'clock that I went to once a week. It was fall and had just gotten to that point where its cool enough to switch from wearing shorts to pants. I take my seat in the back left corner of the class. So in the middle of this long class about math my mind starts to wander and I kinda gaze out the window and doze a bit. I shift in my seat to get a little more comfortable when suddenly something brushes up against the calf of my leg. Scares the absolute hell out of me. I leap from my seat spilling my book and papers all over the floor standing ready to fight off whatever thing was lurking beneath my desk. Everyone in the class including the professor has stopped to stare at me. It dawns on me, the thing that brushed against my leg was my pants, I had been wearing shorts for so long that I had forgotten that pants legs do that sometimes. So with the entire class staring at me I have to offer an explanation so I calmly say "It's ok, I'm wearing pants." and gather up my things and sit back down.
No one in that class ever looked at me the same way again.
Overachieving_rabbit: "It's ok I'm wearing pants" should be a regular thing now whenever something big happens.
BatBro52: I really hope this becomes as quoted as "Yeah, you like that, you fucking retard?"
I_have_aladeen_news: Or, "Are you fucking sorry?
banana_slap: Can't forget "It's ok I'm wearing pants"
SwiftToStreetlight: Aaaaaand we've come full circle.
Faesir77: Wow, this is tractor as fuck, i'll be using this new one.
ATyp3: Oh god, I've seen this reference before but I can't remember what it is. Anyone?
Faesir77: Some kid was talking about a potential break in and went to the door with a gun, opens the door and it was someone who had just got in an accident down the road and lost their best friend in the accident. Then he went to say it was tragic as fuck but he typed tractor.
Take this with salt, i seen the original when it happened but its been a bit of time ^ this is close but also way off.
ATyp3: I feel like I remember this haha. Years in internet time.
LintGrazOr8: Barely a month ago :p
atheistman69: he said *internet* time
LintGrazOr8: Whoops! Er, a decade then.
| 13 | 242.538462 | |
1410125865 | 1410127323 | t3_2fr2ts | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by going back in time for a month.
dz-porkchop: Pics or didn't happen!
Rayof2k: http://i.imgur.com/RoowebC.jpg
That's me with the balloon hat. Our mysterious friend took the picture while my wife was staying at the hotel room.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410125844 | 1410152376 | t3_2fr2so | t5_2to41 | 112 | [deleted]: TIFU By watching porn with Bluetooth enabled
I was sitting in my room on a Saturday afternoon and I noticed that my family was all leaving to go shopping, so I thought to myself "Hey, this would be a stellar time to get my fapping on." So I said goodbye to my family and wished them well on their endeavors, and headed upstairs to my room where I would open my phone and carefully select the right video and get started. At this moment my entire family (My mom, my stepdad, my little sister, my little brother, and even my grandmother) were all in the car getting ready to leave. I found the video I was going to fap to and I clicked play. The first thing I noticed was the lack of audio coming from my phone. At first I thought my volume was down, so I repetitively clicked the volume button on the left hand side of my Iphone. Little did I know, that only made things worse. I immediately head the car door, followed by the house door, open. I had the Bluetooth enabled on my phone, while the car and my phone were sync'd. Causing, not only, softcore porn to blast through the speakers of my mother's minivan, but traumatizing my younger siblings. My stepdad waddled himself upstairs and opened my door and yelled at me for 10min, and then waddled himself back down the stairs and got back into the minivan and drove off the Walmart. It truly was an eventful evening.
TL;DR: I watched porn and it played through the speakers of my moms minivan while my family was inside.
ohboyohboyphbhbtbh: You didn't even wait until they had pulled out of the driveway before turning the porn on? Bullshit.
What the fuck is the point of all these fake TIFUs?
Thapple: I live on a farm, it's quite the walk from the house and the car, and they had to feed some of the animals before they left.
thesnugglypuppies: I'm just impressed that your Bluetooth will work from that far away.
Thapple: So was I. I wouldn't have guessed it would have had signal from my room.
thesnugglypuppies: Yeah, ours stops working about 10 ft from the car. Crazy!
Thapple: My room is above the garage, so I would say the car was about 15 feet away from me. I've witness it go farther than that before, thou.
| 7 | 16 | |
1410126067 | 1410127163 | t3_2fr35n | t5_2to41 | 3 | LolaFrisbeePirate: TIFU by going on Reddit
So today has been shitty anyway. We were having a delayed birthday party for my sister and the immediate family (me and my parents) were berated by my grandad for turning up late. So everyone has been in a shitty mood.
Fast forward a few hours to being back home and I'm browsing reddit; /r/diy and /r/edc. I'm using the household iPad because my phone sucks for viewing imgur albums plus it just happened to be there.
Later when I'm catching up on tv in my room my mum calls me downstairs about something.
Step-dad: "Can you please explain to me why there are pictures of daggers on the ipad history?"
Me: "...what??"
Then the penny drops that it must be pics of somebody's knife or something on /r/edc
Me: "oh it must just have been reddit."
Step dad is now giving me 'daggers' and proceeds to go on about how when he plugs the iPad in at work how it's going to 'scan' that photo and he'll be sacked for viewing inappropriate sites on the work device. To which I profusely apologise and explain the innocent nature of what edc entails and why a photo of a "dagger" may have shown up. I then insist that I can delete the history and that it won't be a problem.
But he's adamant that he's going to be sacked for viewing nsfw content. Me and my mum insist that all the 'scan' will show up is the reddit link and that there weren't any over 18 warnings or anything so it won't be a big deal. He's still saying he has a serious problem and has the look of death in his eyes. To which I say; well we shouldn't be using the iPad for anything like that if they're so strict then. Including peppa pig videos and whatever else but I didn't know what the photo was or that it was so strict. He then goes on about how betting sites and news sites etc are ok (even though they could all be classed as nsfw and the betting site has an over 18 warning...) but that my link was too far and there's going to be serious consequences and he may have to get rid of the device or be sacked.
I don't know what to do and I can't convince him to just explain to work that his stupid step-child clicked on and inappropriate link.
Tldr- /r/edc has photos of knives on it so don't use a work device to view it because you'll be sacked.
Old_Bag_Hamster: Doesnt sound like it was work related. sounds like everyone was having a bad day. If hes still adament about it tell him to do a system restore. should clear any issues up with "inapproriate images". Hopefully your sister had a good time. Thats the important thing.
LolaFrisbeePirate: Yea I'm sure he's just taken his crappy day out on me, which I can understand but it's not really fair. I think my sister had a great day, i mean she's only small and she got cake and presents so that's a good day. I might try the system restore if he's calmed down and is accepting of conversation tomorrow.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410128465 | 1410197106 | t3_2fr72j | t5_2to41 | 2 | Buts1999: TIFU by killing a frog
Tifu by killing a frog in science class. Well the other day we were in science class learning about the food chain. Near the end of class our teacher asks us to go find primary consumers,secondary consumers and so on. So the class heads out (without the teacher). the class is outside the front of the school and there is quite a few frogs in the grass. all of the kids are trying to catch them and what not. One of my friends steps on and I stab it with my pencil. then me and my friend head inside and I am carrying the pencil with the frog on it. I told my friend that Im not carrying the frog into the classroom so he does it. We get into the classroom and he starts chasing people with it and what not. After that it ends up on a chair and then on the floor. The teacher then comes in and asks who killed it and I admitted to it. The teacher then tells everyone except Me to leave the classroom. Once everyone is cleared out he starts telling me that it is seriously messed up and that things like that are what serial killers do. He then asks me if im going to kick a cat on the way home or cut its tail off. also to add in I have never tortured animals in the past or anything along those lines. He then gets the vice principal in and they just say that we will deal with it Monday. He did tell us to go get animals of the food chain. He did not say that they had to be alive. I feel like he may have made a mountain out of a mole hill and the people I have talked to about it feel the same. Do you guys think this is messed up to the point he took it to?
Caerum: That's so messed up. You don't kill a friggin frog. :/ Poor thing.
Buts1999: alright so they can kill cats and use them for science but i kill a frog FOR SCIENCE im just messed up in the head
daikarasu: You mean they humanely put down stay cats, and donate them for science, and you painfully crush and stab one for fun. One is a necessary method of population control, the other is senseless killing.
Buts1999: I guesse I honestly don't think it's a big deAl there all over the place where I am from
lord_sherlock_holmes: And that's exactly what serial killers say...i honestly don't think it's a big deal
| 6 | 0.333333 | |
1410129475 | 1410129906 | t3_2fr8mu | t5_2to41 | 5 | Antofuzz: TIFU by losing a contact lens
I actually fucked up about 2 weeks ago but I only found out about it today.
About two weeks ago I had just broken my glasses and so I had switched to contact lenses while I waited on a new pair. One morning I was putting a contact lens in and accidentally blinked when I was placing it on my eye. I don't wear them very often so I'm generally not very good at putting them in and this isn't uncommon for me, so I didn't think much of it. Once my eye calmed down I put a new one in and located the old one on the floor. I thought I was good, except my eye was unusually red and irritated that day. I thought that I must have simply scratched my eye when I put the contact in, bought some eye drops, and went on my merry way.
As the week went on it started to feel better until one day I woke up and it was even more irritated than before. I was a little worried, but my allergies have been getting worse and I figured it was just a mixture of that and rubbing it in my sleep. Again, all week the eye started to get better and be less irritated and eye drops helped to calm it down.
Today I decided to take a look at it now that it's the least angry it's been all week. As I inspect it in the mirror I notice that there's a spot on my eye that's a little discolored, and it's hard to move my eye in the direction of that area. I touch it and prod it a little and to my horror and disgust I find that sitting partially behind my eye is a contact lens. Very very carefully I proceed to pull the contact out from behind my eye and then off the surface. But my horror was not over. It's only half of the lens. I grabbed my eye drops and soothed while I carefully inspected the corners and edges of my eye and found, in the opposite corner, another piece of contact. This was much deeper and took a much longer time to coax out, but in the end I succeeded in removing both whole halves of a contact lens, which had been sitting behind my eye for two weeks. That one I found on the floor must have been my girlfriend's, I have no other explanation for its existence. I'm horrified and disgusted and I don't know if I can wear contacts again for a while after this shit. Fuck.
**TL;DR: I accidentally broke a contact lens on my eye and both halves managed to hide behind my eye for two weeks.**
connors53: Should have gone to specsavers.
Antofuzz: Nah man, Zenni Optical. $8 for a new pair of glasses is unbeatable.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410126496 | 1410164004 | t3_2fr3ug | t5_2to41 | 136 | pissgirl12213: TIFU by peeing on my friend's floor.
This happened in the late 90s, when I was in 5th grade.
My parents were pretty average people, but they decided to have me apply to an extremely exclusive private school. To give you an idea, this is where Robin Williams' kids went and most of the silicon valley billionaires'. I got in on a large amount of financial aid, after an IQ test and other bullshit.
I was very, very shy at that age but everything was going well, and I was making friends. Up until now, I had only had friends who were pretty similar to me-- my parents had a house in the suburbs that they bought for $100,000 in the late 80s (which is nothing in the bay area). So my life was pretty normal.
I started hanging out with a girl in my art class, and we got along really well. Eventually she invited me to come spend the weekend at her place.
We got out of art class and I kind of needed to pee, but right then my friend's mom pulled up in a really nice SUV. I decided to just hold it. It turned out that she lived about an hour away from school, so by the time we got close to her house I was about to burst.
We pulled up, and I was stunned into complete silence. This was far nicer than any house I'd ever seen on TV. It was a giant mansion, and had its own fucking private lake. In the bay area. What the fuck. Looking back, it was probably worth at least $15 M.
We go inside, and my friend asks if I want to play cards. I nod, still too shocked to speak. She lays out the cards, and all I'm thinking is "come on, just ask to use the bathroom. You can talk, it'll be MUCH worse if you don't say anything..."
Of course, I piss myself. We were sitting at her dining room table, and the pee just starts flowing out of me and onto the marble floor. What followed was the most embarrassing couple minutes of my life-- my friend started looking around the room, trying to figure out why she could hear running water. She went into the kitchen to see if the tap was on, and when she came back she was greeted by the sight of me covered in my own urine with my face burning with embarrassment.
She got her parents, and they were all super nice about it. They washed my clothes and had me take a shower. We spent the rest of the weekend having a great time swimming in her lake and stuff.
I don't think she ever told anyone what happened, for which I'm eternally grateful. We stayed good friends throughout middle school.
MrSargasm: Out of curiosity, are you still in touch now? She seems like a pretty good friend not to have minded too much about the piss on floor thing.
pissgirl12213: Nope, we lost touch after middle school. I would hit her up, but from her facebook it seems like we don't have that much in common any more. She still seems chill, but very intensely invested in theater and stuff like that. I got more into the rave scene as I got older.
DropC: You should still return to the mansion, you already marked your territory.
EroKintama: I second this. You have to check and make sure no one else tried to mark it after you. You must defend it to the end.
| 5 | 27.2 | |
1410130053 | 1410136040 | t3_2fr9j4 | t5_2to41 | 62 | nudecart: TIFU by ridin' white n' dirty.
So about a week ago, Sunday, I woke up and decided to test drive my go-kart. However, this hot summer morning severely affected my genitalia. If you've ever had a cool breeze up your shorts you know what it means to be truly free. Now bear with me I usually do this at night. But I've gotten away with it enough to feel overly confident. I disrobed and sat my ass on the cool leather seat. My sphincter loosened. I drove to the school where there is a track enveloping the playground. The breeze was better than I could have ever imagined. The rush was amazing. I'm not sure how this happened but somehow my chain got mangled with the belt of my torque converter and destroyed my sprocket guards effectively leaving me stranded with a 400lb piece of metal. My sphincter immediately tightened. Stories about registering as a sex offender ran through my head. I did the only thing I could and started running home. I'd come back for it when I'm dressed. I was still quite sweaty so as i ran, every step had a thunderous clap. I heard the giggles and screams of a chorus of school children who looked upon me in horror. They were exiting the building. It was Monday. I ran through the parking lot dodging behind each car and eventually through my neighbors yards and into the back door of my house. After I got dressed I looked up the hill to the school and saw 3 police cars. My go kart was not worth it.
TLDR - TIFU by driving with my juniors out and lost my go kart.
Yes I know I'm an idiot.
iwearcowhats: So you pulled the naked man and it wasnt successful?
CamoKiwi: Was the one in three
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1410128068 | 1410135119 | t3_2fr6g8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by not kissing my date
Well this happened a couple months ago.
I had a major crush on this girl from my class since I started high school (we were on the last year), but I never got the nerve to ask her out, until the last two months of the school year. I said "well, screw it" and asked her to go out with me and have some ice cream. She said yes (to my surprise, I was waiting to be rejected since she was stunning and I am just average looking.)
So we went out and it was great. I wasn't planning on making a move, since we barely knew each other, so it was just about spending quality time together.
Anyway, I asked her out again a week after, this time to go to the movies, and this is where the REAL story begins: It was all fun and games until she got scared by a scene and grabbed my hand. Then, being the good guy that I am, I put my arm around her. I said to myself "This is it!" and tried to lift the arm rest up, to make things easier for us. But that damn thing was stuck! I tried harder, but it was worthless. The whole time the girl was staring at me, and I could see the pity in her eyes. After a moment she said "Relax, I'm good" and leaned to the other side, getting away from me. After that, nothing happened between us, and I spent the whole night silently cursing the poor motherf***er who broke the damn thing.
TL;DR: Because of a malfunctioning arm rest at the movies, I didn't get to kiss my high school crush.
ColtonHD: It's not all lost friend...they're is the chance of another date.
[deleted]: Actually, a few weeks after that little "incident" I asked her out again, and we did make out. But something went wrong, and we eventually stopped seeing each other. But that I'll save for another TIFU ;D
| 3 | 3 | |
1410130516 | 1410198086 | t3_2fra8f | t5_2to41 | 62 | ukrain3: TIFU by having sex with a hooker
So this had happen about an hour ago one of my buddies has been wanting to go to those "special services" massage... So went to go pick him up told him in good I'll just wait for you cause I'm broke... Then he was just like here's 300 use it it's on me... Met with one of the organizers at the motel and had told me to go knock on the room and wait for it to open. She opens the door and closes it behind me. Right away she starts undressing me then we both head to the shower, she rinse me off cleaned me and walked back to the bed (this girl is quite absolutely stunning painm she starts getting things started sucking the shit out of me then she puts on the condom and rides me... Rides me hard but I'm not feeling it so she asked "do you want me to take off the condom" knowing my dumbass said sure she takes it off sucks me again and then she got on top of me and started riding me in all sorts of positions.. But no luck I couldn't cum so I just gave up and sat back up and notices there's blood stains from my penis... Just thought "oh it's been many years since I last got laid" she took me back to the showers cleaned me up and I left...
TL;DR TIFU by having unprotected sex with a prostitute
ukrain3: She's one of girls from the Asian continent over here on student visa or whatever it is
fleton: swallow a bottle of antibotics ASAP
King-K: Don't forget to take them out though.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1410127825 | 1410136568 | t3_2fr62d | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by going hiking with my friends
There's this great place about an hour and a half away from where I live called Whiteoak Canyon. There's a natural waterslide that goes into a deep pool of freezing water from snow at the top of the mountains, with cliffs you can jump off from 20-40 feet high into the water.
My MMA instructor who also goes to my church was talking to my friends (Cole and Braden) and I about this place, and he invited us to go along with his family and another family. We meet at his house at 9 and head out.
Being only 16 years old, my friends and I can legally only drive one other person in the car with us. We didn't want to risk getting pulled over, so we took two cars. Cole and Braden drove in one car and I took Cole's little brother. The other two families took their own cars.
After about half an hour of driving, I miss a turn. I call Cole and get back on track, but I'm still about two minutes behind them. He tells me to just catch up so I can just follow him from then on. I start speeding up to about 75 on a 55 and make progress. About thirty seconds later I see a cop and slow the fuck down. I thought he might not have seen me as I kept driving for another thirty seconds and I think I'm free, but when I see those blue lights in my rear view mirror I know I'm fucked. I get written up for a $175 ticket for going 19 over.
After my first run-in with the police in my life and the first moments of life with a criminal record, I try calling Cole to tell him what happened and ask him to stop. But then I lose service. I have no idea where I'm going, but I just keep driving and think I'll figure it out.
Three hours later, having asked for directions six times, I finally make it to the canyon. My friend's brother and I hike up and meet the rest of the group AS THEY'RE FUCKING LEAVING. When I tell them what happened they just laugh it off, no apologies for leaving me behind or condolences for my criminal offense.
TL;DR I got a $175 speeding ticket, got lost for three hours, and only got to cliff jump twice. Also I got my driving privileges taken away by my parents as soon as I got home
PhishnChips: You were 3 hours late and expected an apology for them not waiting for you?
jakeburton__: Expecting an apology for them not waiting while we were still all driving, I didn't have directions to the place we were going to from the beginning and I was supposed to be following my instructor.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410134548 | 1410147035 | t3_2frgc7 | t5_2to41 | 81 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying my girlfriend a soda
So, here's a bit of information about me, and a bit of background to my story.
I am a female, and I am bisexual. I have a girlfriend whom I've been dating for a few months. She absolutely loves Coca-Cola. And she's also very jealous of my female friends.
So today I had went out with two of my female friends and we went shopping. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go with us, but she said no, she wasn't feeling well. I felt bad, so I decided that I'd pick her up a soda and bring it to her on my way home. Me and my friends went out for a few hours, went to a few stores, and just had fun. I was on my way home at about two in the afternoon, and I stopped at a gas station to pick up a coke for my girlfriend. Now, as you may know, the Coca-Cola company has been putting labels on coke bottles with random people's names. Without thinking, I grabbed a bottle with the name James on it. I paid for it and headed to my girlfriend's house. I got there, knocked on the door, and she let me in. We sat inside and talked for a bit, then I gave her the soda. She took one look at the bottle, then asked me who the Fuck James was. I didn't think she was serious, so I messed around with her and told her he was just some guy I sucked off at the gas station. That's where I fucked up big time. She started freaking out, calling me names, and even slapped me a few times. At the end out the day, I ended up at home with a black eye and single.
TL;DR Bought my now ex-girlfriend a soda with some guy's name on it, she went bat-shit crazy, and now I'm single and bruised in the face.
I_kill_humour: You didn't fuck up; you just saved yourself from a whole lot of grief.
ThEuNkNoWnxX: True, but I did sleep with her brother before we dated, so I guess we're even.
Lefty1979: You should probably sleep with him again now after. Show her who the alpha is! :)
ThEuNkNoWnxX: If I really wanted to show her who top dog is, I'd probably go for her single lesbian mother.
Lefty1979: Ok you win. That's funny. I bow to the master!
ThEuNkNoWnxX: The moment you submitted that comment, her mom asked me out. Best. Luck. Ever. XD
corndogRobber: woah so you broke up with your girlfriend today and now 5 min later her mother asked you out... wtf
ThEuNkNoWnxX: Yea. Needless to Say, the world is fucked in terms of Karma and compensation for mental stress.
bicycle: You just made all this shit up
| 10 | 8.1 | |
1410130531 | 1410135533 | t3_2fra9c | t5_2to41 | 10 | DogWHOspeaks: TIFU by putting my dog in a hotel bathroom.
I'm staying at a hotel and have my pitbull mix Lana with me. We've been here almost a week now and house keeping has only bothered me once until today. This literally just got resolved 30mins ago.
So the lady knocks, Lana charges the door and I scoot her into the bathroom so I can promptly open the door. Cleaning lady asks "I clean?"(no bullshit) I say no, but I have some trash and need towels. Trash bag rips 6 beer bottles spill into the hall she goes to get a bag and the towels. I throw the towels down and try to open the bathroom door. No. Fucking. Dice. What the shit!?!
I leave the room ask a different housekeeper if she has a pin or something. She doesn't so I high tail to front desk get a paper clip to try and free Lana myself, to no avail. Call the front desk and he says no normal maintenance people are on hand. 10 minutes later I go for a cigarette to try an calm down. Desk guy says to head to my room someone is coming to our aid.
Get to my room and a Russian guy is waiting with what I believe was a drill bit. No luck trying the easy route he goes and gets a chisel and a hacksaw. Hacksaw wasn't going to cut it, so prying away with the chisel was the option. After struggling with it he leaves again and finally returns with a pry bar and the 45 minute ordeal is over in two good yanks on the pry bar. Gave the guy $30 and took Lana on a walk and gave her dinner. The worst part is I had a towel draped on top of the door but it didn't stop the door from shutting. Neither myself or the dog locked the door the latch mechanism seemed completely disconnected from the handles. Also [pics.](http://imgur.com/a/XGNbi) Time for a beer.
positiviti: Lana looks like she took this pretty hard. Give her ear scratches for me!
DogWHOspeaks: All the treats, and all her favorite scratchy spots!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410136422 | 1410136547 | t3_2frj95 | t5_2to41 | 4 | ShrekTheJellyRoll: TIFU by writing this story
magicdeathtaco: Absolutely tear jerking. Can't wait for the movie!
ShrekTheJellyRoll: I made 4 of them.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410130958 | 1411770208 | t3_2fraxn | t5_2to41 | 4 | Throwawayawaworht333: TIFU By shouting an inappropriate word on a cruise ship
So, yeah i'm definitely using a throwaway for this one. Btw, and this is important, I was only 7 when this happened.
So during the summer of 2007 ( I was seven at the time) My family and I went on a cruise ship with some family friends and their children. I was 7, my friend was 9, and my friends sister was around 14. Not much back story for this one except that we were on one of those elegant cruises that everyone goes to eat at the same time in a giant dining hall with fancy suits and crap. Anyway, a couple nights in and we were eating, us kids at one table and the adults at another. We were chating and the my friends sister says something that i remember annoyed me, but i doubt it was bad enough to provoke my response: I shouted at her "Shut your vagina!".
Yeah, not very elegant. Now I know lots of you will say "That doesn't even make sense" So ill tell you guys what my 7 year old mind was thinking. I had recently learned about the vagina but all I really knew was that it was a hole. Now I was thinking "people say shut your pie hole, and the vagina is a hole, so saying shut your vagina would make perfect sense". But enough about that, lets get to what happened afterwords. Immediately some people around us started glaring at us and went silent. Then my friends sister all of a sudden jumps up and runs to the adult table and told everyone what went down as she was crying for some stupid reason. I was so embarrassed that i just crawled under the table until dinner was over. Worse enough I had to eat dinner with them for another 5 nights. Talk about awkward.
TL;DR I fucked up when i was young by shouting vagina on a cruise ship
ThEuNkNoWnxX: You didn't fuck up, man. You made one hell of a joke. Be proud. ^_^
rohishimoto: Sorry im late to respond, still new to reddit and how it works. Thanks though!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410140221 | 1410180511 | t3_2frp3x | t5_2to41 | 8 | CakeIsALieCakeIsALie: TIFU by pretending to be crazy.
This is a throwaway account. I shouldn't need to explain why.
So I'm a college student. I live in a residence hall with tons of guys, so for a prank I thought it would be funny to leave some creepy messages on the bathroom stalls. I took a marker into the bathroom and started writing "The cake is a lie" over and over and over repeatedly, in reference to the lovely game that is Portal. I started writing a few other Portal related messages on the stalls to the point that it started to look really terrifying. Tonight, it was revealed that the culprit would have to pay for new bathroom stalls, and that if no one admitted to it everyone would have to split the cost.
Moral decision time: let everybody pay for it or take the fall and have everyone I go to college believe I'm a paranoid schizophrenic (and also have to pay for $100s of dollars in maintenance costs)?
Update: So apparently hand sanitizer is great at removing Sharpie stains. I went back and wiped up some of my messages and they disappeared easily. Someone else cleaned up the rest, so evidently I'm home free. Pretty sure everyone knows it was me though.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: >thought it would be funny
And people say kids are turning into entitled, obnoxious little dickheads!
CakeIsALieCakeIsALie: Thanks, asshole.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: Boohoo, little shithead who thinks it's funny to scrawl asinine bullshit all over someone else's property, boohoo
CakeIsALieCakeIsALie: People tell me I shouldn't kill myself because I'm such a great person who has so much to offer to the world. Then there's people like you who see the truth.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: On the bright side, its never too late to learn how to stop being an entitled little shithead. Give it a try sometime.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1410141177 | 1410157787 | t3_2frqlz | t5_2to41 | 14 | volnix: TIFU by exposing myself to a bunch of kids
So, I mountain bike, and today I had a race. I was pre-riding the course a bit and had to take a leak. If you're unfamiliar with bike bibs (the spandex shorts), you have to pull the front down, exposing err'thing to pee. So as I'm mid-stream I'm startled by a noise coming around the corner. I turn around to see a wave of children on bikes and startled as I was, turned to face them, showing all these little kids what they have to look forward to in about 10 years. They'd just started to junior race, and I had no clue I was on the trail they were riding. I quickly tucked everything back in as a couple kids giggled as they rode by. I'm still humiliated and wish I could apologize to every single one of their parents for my mistake. TIFU
[deleted]: Don't worry about it. People get so worked up about such petty bullshit these days. Stuff like that happens. It's no big deal.
People have lost their minds. Intent is everything.
[deleted]: Indeed. They just saw a guy taking a leak.
Lewisplqbmc: Excuse me. This man should be contained as a sexual offender. He was raping them. clearly.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1410141412 | 1410144711 | t3_2frqym | t5_2to41 | 7 | kimberdaly: TIFU by insulting my fed-ex guy
I work in a hospital and while on a particularly important round to the ICU I ran into my Fed-ex guy. Clearly I'm used to seeing him in a completely different setting (and we have a pretty good rapport) so jokingly I said to him "Hey! You're in the wrong place!" all smiles without thinking THIS MAN IN IN THE ICU AS A VISITOR. He just looked down and said "yea, well this is the wrong place to be for anyone." BURN. That particularly important round to the ICU? Yea, it was for a live saving factor (to help with clotting essentially for someone who is bleeding to death) FOR HIS MOTHER.
Here's to a future of "lost" or "misplaced" packages.
Devil45: If he was in uniform, you can recover from the fuck it but if not then let the ass kissing being
kimberdaly: No uniform, definitely street clothes like he was out enjoying football Sunday. I'd consider sending him a sympathy card if it weren't a HIPPA violation.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410141157 | 1410226571 | t3_2frqkl | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by meeting up with a chick on Tinder
Like many f-ups, this one began by swiping right on Tinder. (~12 weeks ago) She was, shall we say, "well endowed," and posing seductively in a bikini. It was immediately apparent that she had "bad idea" written all over her. Between the "simba" tattoo and metal stud piercings on either side of her bikini line, she may as well have had a bullseye on her. I'm assuming she's what most guys on Tinder are looking for (myself included).
It turns out she also swiped right. We get to talking, and chat a little bit each day for about a week, before she asks to grab a beer after her shift (as a bartender...at a local strip club). Understanding where this is going, I naievely accept. She shows up, no longer in her black corset and red panties, but in a skin-tight striped dress. We sorta hit it off, grabbing one drink after another until it's close to 2am. Since her ex-boyfriend had her 1y/o for the week, she tells me that "she's all mine for the night." Awesome, I think. We go back to my place and throw on a movie and pop another beer as its starts. Girlie starts putting on the moves, and before I know it, she's on top of me; the ladies are out, and from then on, there's no stopping what's bound to happen.
So we have sex. It's not spectacular, but still sex. So far, so good, I think. I got what I had intended, now how do I get this girl to go home? Before I know it, she starts off-loading all her life's regrets and pains on me. Turns out she's fairly unstable (and has been off her Olanzapine for a few weeks). As a medical professional, this is a big red flag for me. The alcohol that has been keeping me in a haze suddenly subsides to perfect clarity...just in time for the kicker. She forgot to pick up her Azithromycin (for her STI, Chlamydia). And she's got a court date tomorrow for her pending domestic violence charges (she got in a fight with her boyfriend (she said that she had been separated for several weeks).
At this point, I'm highly uncomfortable, and incredibly happy that I used protection (I knew she worked at a strip club...and was going to have sex the first night I met her; I'm going to hedge my bets every time). I eventually got her to leave by frankly telling her I wasn't comfortable with her staying the night. Problem is that she won't stop calling me, and sending me lewd snap chats. I feel fairly guilty for hooking up with her, and I worry that this poor decision may later impact my life and relationships in negative ways. I suppose time will tell.
TL;DR - Met loose strip-club worker on Tinder. Hooked-up. Found out she was unstable, unclean, and unrelentingly clingy. Regret ensued.
Mayson023: >It was immediately apparent that she had "bad idea" written all over her.
Dames, am I right?
5unbr0: >Dames, am I right?
Saying "Ladies" in French doesn't make it sound classy or anything else for that matter. It makes you seem retarded, sexist and douchey.
Also if you write in a foreign language, make sure it makes sense. It should have been "Les femmes, am I right?" because translations are not litteral.
/rant
P.s: You can tell I'm from Paris right?
embs: So very parisien of you to not realise that dames is a word in English, too.
There's a reason that the entire western world stereotypes your city as being full of pompous assholes.
5unbr0: >So very parisien of you to not realise that dames is a word in English, too.
Hey I did not know that, thanks TIL (no matter how I write it it sounds condescending, I really do appreciate you teaching me)
>There's a reason that the entire western world stereotypes your city as being full of pompous assholes.
I'm not going to pretend most Parisians aren't arseholes, most I know are; hell I can be a dick (am usually 60% if the time)
I do apologise for that, the city is amazing, food is great, people *eehhh* not so much. We even hate ourselves.
Sorry for being a pompous dick. I know that you probably don't care whether I apologise or not and I'm fine with that, I was a dick. Again I'm sorry. I'm also a bit drunk and have had the shittest day in a year, really puts how petty I was yesterday. Thanks for making it this far, have a good life and all.
embs: Apologizing on the Internet? Et français ? You can't be half bad :) I'm sorry you had a bad day - go read a book in the musée Rodin tomorrow. I'm sure you've been - but that place was always therapeutic for me. Hopefully you'll feel maybe just a little better.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1410130086 | 1410143910 | t3_2fr9ko | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU By Almost Drowning In Rotten Umbilical Cord Mud
I'd bet the title got you, didn't it?
Anyway, this happened a few years ago:
I was visiting the big island of Hawaii with family, and we spent a day at Mauna Kea, one of the large mountains on the island. You can drive to the top of the mountain (~14k feet) and visit the astronomical observatories and a few other notable locations. Among the points of interest at the top of the mountain is Lake Waiau, which is one of the highest-elevation lakes in the U.S.A. and a sacred site for the local Hawaiian natives. The guide at the visitor center gleefully informed us of the fact that aforementioned natives have been climbing the mountain for many generations, placing the umbilical cords of their infants and the bones/ashes of their dead relatives in the waters of the lake. For whatever reason, after hearing of this, we decided to take the brief 1 mile hike to the lake later in the day.
After walking for a very short distance, the small party I was hiking with was having a hard time, as the lack of oxygen at high altitudes makes hiking even the shortest distance a difficult task. As I was significantly more physically fit than the rest of the party, I (stupidly) continued ahead at 2-3 times their pace. Soon, I crested a ridge to view the lake, and was surprised to witness such beauty amongst the desolate landscape at the top of the mountain. As I really wanted to see if the water had any...parts...within, I walked down to the edge of the lake.
Now, what I did not while see walking to the edge of the lake was the fact that the ~3 feet surrounding the water was comprised of thick, deep mud. Clumsy hikers or a mild breeze must have brushed some of the surrounding dry dirt onto the mud so it was not visible. My confident self stepped out near the water, and immediately sank past my knees into the deep mud. I soon realized that I could not move my legs, and I was in fact slowly sinking deeper into the mud. At this point, sheer terror took over, as I looked around and called out for help. Sadly, none was to be found (I later learned), as the rest of my party had fallen far behind due to altitude sickness. It was at this point that I realized that I could die on this lonely mountain, drowning in the rotting remains of generations of Hawaiians.
Well, this obviously didn't happen. After my life flashed before me for a few seconds, I started to think about how I could get out of the mud. Luckily, I remembered a survival TV show I had seen a while back ([thank you, Bear Grylls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJTGwZM05lQ)) and redistributed my weight to crawl my way out of the mud. I squelched my way back to the parking lot as fast I could, without looking back.
For the 'pics or it didn't happen' types, here is the best I got:
[My shoes, back at the hotel.](http://i.imgur.com/PkNNNUf.jpg)
[The lake, before I went down to the water.](http://i.imgur.com/R5EQQoS.jpg)
tl;dr Watching TV saved my life.
DaAzn: Calling bullcrap. OP did not have sex with or in unusual places or crap himself in tifu.
raebakat: It sure smelled bad, though.
| 3 | 11 | |
1410142262 | 1410144241 | t3_2frs9p | t5_2to41 | 8 | en0rt: TIFU by wearing pyjama pants with holes in the crotch
This didn't happen today, but the chick who got her vagina attacked by a cat reminded me of something that happened to me a little while back.
I was sitting on my couch playing xbox 360 in my favourite PJ pants. I had them for a good 5 years and they were starting to develop smallish holes in the crotch area. I had also acquired a puppy that was about 3 months old and he was in his "teething stage".
To make a short story short, I am now a man with a little puncture mark in the tip of my foreskin.
PM_ME_YOUR_TUMMY_: I'd say that someone needs to create "At some point I or someone else fucked up", but knowing Reddit, it's already a thing.
S0LDIER-X: Why do people care so much that stories didn't happen on the day its posted. It wouldn't be fun to read if everyone kept their old hysterical stories unshared because they are old. the rules on the side even say "though it doesn't have to be from today"
PM_ME_YOUR_TUMMY_: Because the title of the thread always starts "today I fucked up".
S0LDIER-X: Well honestly, in my opinion, it doesn't bother me about stories being from another day. people want to share stuff, but they don't aleays have fuckups from today, so they share old fuckups.
PM_ME_YOUR_TUMMY_: Hey I'm not saying we should start rounding them up and executing them. Just a more appropriate name...
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1410141618 | 1410142975 | t3_2frral | t5_2to41 | 3 | 214-2315126: TIFU by trying to clean my fishes tank
Today I was cleaning my room up and thought it was about time to give my beta's bowl a good deep cleaning as I hadn't in over a month. (I usually just change out about 3/4 of the water weekly)
So I take the bowl into my bathroom and grab my secondary bowl where I would put Barbarossa, the beta, while I cleaned his bowl. I managed to pour some water in to the bowl and get Barbarossa in there without incident. Then I went to town cleaning this nasty bowl out. Gleaming glass, fresh pebbles, clean silk plant, and cool water. The whole nine. He was going to love it. I set it down next to sink and get the other bowl so I can dump him in.
This is where things got hairy...
I pick up the secondary bowl and hold it right next to/over the top of the opening of the big bowl. I began to slowly pour the secondary bowl and guide Barbarossa into his tank. All of a sudden, he flips out and fricken jumps dolphin style out of the bowl and flops straight into the sink. I panicked because my sink has no drain guard. Dropping the second bowl, I threw my hands toward the drain to try and stop him from flopping to his death. Despite my efforts, His slipped down the drain.
I could here him flopping in the bend of the pipes. A this point I was crying. But it doesn't end there.
Now, in my hysteria, I threw on the faucet holding onto my false "Finding Nemo" given hope that "all drains lead to the ocean"; hoping that maybe he would at least not die such an indignant way as flopping in the pipes. Somehow my brain forgot that my sink was broken. You see, it only puts out scalding hot water. I tortured the poor creature.
I'm a murderer.
This all went down like fifteen minutes ago. I'm just sitting here now. I can't stop crying. There is broken glass everywhere. I think my bathroom is haunted now.
RIP Barbarossa
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: it's a fish you cunt and why did you use your phone number.214-2315126
214-2315126: It's not, it just appears that way.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410144958 | 1410172717 | t3_2frwfu | t5_2to41 | 27 | 41FLOW: TIFU by accidentally texting my boss
Today I fucked up by sending a text about my boss to my boss.
Backstory: My girlfriend is leaving for a semester in London tomorrow, and since I've been busy with school was only able to see her today before her flight. I have a work meeting tomorrow (I work retail) and was trying to see if I could skip/make the meeting up some other time so I can say goodbye to her at the airport before she leaves.
I texted my coworker to see if he could cover my shift and he was cool about it so I tried to text my boss and sent him my story about how I would like to make the meeting up and get my shift covered. He basically told me it would count against my attendance, which I can't really afford during the semester.
I decided to text my buddy and let him know he no longer had to take my shift and he asked what my manager had said to me. Because I was driving I didn't want to explain in a long text message, I decided to take a screen shot of the conversation between my manager and I with the caption "weak sauce."
I received a text message saying, "Excuse me?"
I then realized I never switched back to my coworkers conversation and had sent the screenshot/message to my boss.
I immediately apologized and let him know I was texting someone else, and he replied, "Let's talk about this tomorrow." So now I wait.
I don't know what to expect and I've taken 10 mg of melatonin already to help me sleep.
xzt123: Screen shot his "Excuse me?" message and send it back to him with another message: "rofl"
5unbr0: > 4 & 7 decide what to reply
| 3 | 9 | |
1410144654 | 1410145780 | t3_2frvyx | t5_2to41 | 10 | caboosecrimson: TIFU by having my wiener out and my sister walked in on me
TIFU: So im new to reddit and i love the TIFUs so far so i decided to share one of my own. (This was about a year ago)
I live with my dad, and my sister lives with my mom. (Obviously theyre divorced) Now every week or so, my sister will come stay with us for a day or two. My sister has a bad habit on opening doors without knocking. And one day when i had thought my door was locked, my "piece" started to itch (no i dont have a std) so since the door was supposably locked, i whipped it out and started scratching. My back was to the door because i was sitting down in a small modern rocking chair in my room, so suprise on me when my sister walks in the room. She didnt see it because i leaned over it. But my sister decided to start talking about her girl problems to me. So imagine how awkward it was, my dick was out of my pants, covered by my chest (i was shirtless btw) and she was sitting across from me on my bed, looking at me, and just wouldnt stop talking.
Jdubs31: That's when you maintain eye contact establish dominance and continue scratching til she leaves or the itch goes away.
caboosecrimson: Ignoring an itch, is ignoring a bullet wound
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410144078 | 1410145894 | t3_2frv3r | t5_2to41 | 12 | kokokovacs: TIFU by pissing on my best friend's face
So it was my birthday and the last Thursday of the semester, and my best friends and I are getting ready to go to the bar. I make the mistake of saying, "Damn, I haven't blacked out in a while". This is the moment when I realized the night would be getting out hand because my friends insist that my streak will end tonight.
We go out to the bar, my friends are feeding me shots of god knows what, and the next thing I know I'm awake in my bed the next morning. I look over, there is my phone and a half finished bottle of Gatorade. I think to myself, "all is good in the world". I walk upstairs to go to class with one of my roommates and he starts laughing hysterically. I ask "what the hell happened last night?"...
Well through my drunken haze, I woke up in the middle of the night, and began to piss on my best friend's face who was sleeping on my floor. He woke up mid piss and tried to push me away. Now I say tried because he had a broken elbow and a broken opposite wrist, so it barely gave him enough time to get away. He proceeds to storm out of my house and drive straight home...at 3:30am....
Learning of this news, I call him multiple times throughout the day in an attempt to apologize, but no response...
TL;DR: Got blackout drunk on my birthday, pissed on my crippled best friend's face
neutrino4: That will teach him to get you blacked out drunk.
IHaveDoneEverything: Unless it was all part of the plan:o
| 3 | 4 | |
1410145497 | 1410154951 | t3_2frx8o | t5_2to41 | 8 | FartStorms: TIFU by farting in front of my girlfriend
So today, me and my girlfriend went to the movies. We were talking outside, I was sitting down, and she was standing. I had actually had the urge to let out the biggest fart mankind has ever witnessed, like the whole day. Everything was going fine, up until the moment I stood up. Yes. I farted when I was getting up. I literally only lifted myself up only a few inches **and alas, the biggest fart to be ever released...was released**. It was huge, and it was embarrassing. At that point though, my girlfriend was checking the screen above the counter where it shows the schedule for all the movies so her attention wasn't toward me. But I swear, I really think she heard me. I couldn't tell. But I felt so stupid, I wanted to just disappear.
*TIFU...*
Biscuitbaiter: This is completely natural and not something to be embarrassed about. Soon you will discover how much she loves them by placing a few strategically in the sheets while firmly holding her head under them. You are on you'r way to great things my friend, great things!
thesetheredoctobers: wooden shoes and a fart powered oven; what will the dutch think of next
Biscuitbaiter: Those silly Dutch lol
| 4 | 2 | |
1410146256 | 1410212734 | t3_2fryaz | t5_2to41 | 296 | Brenvol: TIFU by taping Armageddon
Alright, the back story. I have Dish Network and about once a month they have free previews of the movie channels. Since I don't normally have these, I take advantage if it. I usually go through the guide setting my DVR to tape any movies that are coming on during the preview so I can watch them throughout the coming weeks. I set a ton of stuff to tape, including one of my favorite movies, Armageddon. I made sure it was set to tape and that my hard drive had enough record space.
So today, 2 days later, I invited my family over for dinner. My sister and her new fiancé were in town, my mom and dad didn't have to work, and my nephews were allowed to come over to hang out with the rest of us. We had a very nice dinner and played a couple games of cards. It was a very nice evening. We all moved into the living room and decided to watch a movie. Since I had just taped so many movies on DVR, I started scrolling through my newly taped movies and asked them if they saw anything that looked good. Amazingly, everyone (aside from my nephews, who wanted to watch Spongebob) decided on Armageddon! I was thrilled. I selected it and hit play.
Now, I have to explain briefly for those who don't have Dish Network how the default record settings work. You can set recordings to start early or end late. I have my default settings as all recordings start 3 minutes early and run 5 minutes late. This ensures that if something happened to be slightly off it's planned time, it will still catch the beginning and end. I must also mention that Armageddon happened to come on Cinemax, which is known for its... ahem, late night adult oriented films, at 3:00 in the morning. So Armageddon just happened to be preceded by an adult film, Eve's Secret.
As soon as I hit play, I was right in the middle of some guy going doggie style on who I'm guessing is Eve in front of a fireplace. My wife and mom screamed, my dad jumped up and spilled the bowl of popcorn, and my nephews yelled, "Awesome!" and saw what I'm guessing was their first set of tits and bush that they've ever seen. My mom started crying because those kids will "never be able to get their innocence back."
Everyone decided they were ready to leave after all and decided to head out instead of watching a movie. So now I'm sitting here by myself, watching Armageddon and listening to the dog eat spilled popcorn off of the ground. If you ever decide to watch a movie with your family, just pop in the DVD. It's much safer.
tl;dr Tried to tape Armageddon, got Deep Impact instead.
eqleriq: i can tell how young you're not by your use of the term "tape" instead of "record"
Brenvol: I'm not even 30. I'm not supposed to be old yet!
eqleriq: Yes, in that case you'd be at the end of a noble, but dead, tradition.
Behold, the newest generations who've only watched movies and listened to and shared audio on some form of optical disc or other digital formats!
Telespentry: Tropical what's?
| 5 | 59.2 | |
1410146225 | 1410197006 | t3_2fry8x | t5_2to41 | 1,997 | whyismyipadsticky: TIFU by letting my sister discover I lezzed out with my dormmate [nsfw?]
I'm back home after summer semester study abroad. Parents saw the opportunity to take off to their property in Mexico, leaving me to look after my little sister while they were gone.
My sister is quite a bit younger than me. Relatively cool with things, normally, but still a bit immature at times.
I had brought my PS3 home with me so I could catch up on my backlog of games I had neglected while studying. Threw in Dark Souls and commenced having my ass handed to me.
After a while of watching me die over and over again, my sister pipes up, "This is boring, can I watch Netflix?"
Told her no, I've been waiting months to do nothing but sit on the couch and play games. She asked if she could use my iPad to watch stuff, then, while I played.
I'm not one of those newbs who doesn't clear their browsing history or leaves embarrassing photos or videos unsecured on their hard drive (external drives, baby), so I had no concerns over letting her use my tablet.
I pulled it out of my bag, passed it over, then continued playing.
After dying more times than I can remember to that stupid wolf, I decided to take a break.
Told my sister I was going to the store and asked if she wanted anything. She had headphones in so didn't respond. Whatever. Left the house.
While I was in line for the checkout I got a new email notification. Looking at my phone, I saw it was from my dormmate I had while I was overseas.
I kinda had this friends-with-experimentation-benefits thing going on with her, but we're not going to get into that today. I'll just say it's still pretty much closet zone. No one ~~knows~~ knew about it but me and her.
Anyway, the subject line on the notification read "HOW MUCH I LOVE YO TITTIES <3"
I laughed, but obviously I wasn't going to check it while I was in line, so I just stuck my phone back in my purse.
I get back to my car, check my phone, and... the message is showing up non-bold... as in, read.
That's when the cold sweat started.
I opened it.
The message was pretty explicit. And there was an attachment. A video.
One my friend had made before we left to go home... Starring me.
I think I peed a little, then.
Pretty certain I reached mach 2 driving home.
I sprinted inside. No sister on the couch. No iPad, either. But there was a smell. A familiar scent. The distinct odor of hormones and shame.
Knocked on my sister's door.
"Hey, can I get my tablet back?"
Could hear some shuffling from the other side, then the door opened a crack and my iPad was passed through. I caught a glimpse of a very red flushed face before the door was closed again.
*sigh*
"So... I'm guessing you saw that, then."
Thereafter followed a torrent of sobbing apologies and stream of conscious mutterings that culminated with,
"AND I THINK I MIGHT BE A LESBIAN NOW 'COZ--" followed by incoherent wailing.
I tried all the typical "it's okay, everybody does it", "you're still young, you don't know what you like yet" and "that's not how it works, but even if you are it's okay" reassuring comments through her door, but all I ever got back was sobbing.
I gave up and went back into the living room to continue having my ass handed to me in a manner I had a bit more control over.
She's been avoiding me ever since.
She'll get over it, but... man, I don't know who to feel worse for, me or her?
**TL;DR** : my younger sister saw video evidence of my girl-on-girl sexy times and I'm preeeetty sure she masturbated to it. Not sure, though, because she can't even right now.
**Update**: got her to respond over chat. Yep, she's literally dying right now. Nope, still too embarrassed to come out of her room. I told her again that A) she's not old enough to know whether she likes girls yet, and B) even if she does, no big deal, I do too. Apparently she had been questioning before, going as far as kissing her friend, but this pretty much pushed her over the edge. Didn't have the guts to ask her if *all she did* was watch (how do you ask your little sister if she tickled her tuna sandwich while watching your sextape?)... She agreed to go get Starbucks with me tomorrow (thanks, DrSteveBrule_FYH!). God willing, we'll be able to get her to even once again!
**Update 2**: Ok, we talked. Or rather, I talked. Mostly she just sat there huddled up on the passenger seat in red faced silence. I let her know I wasn't mad, but what she saw wasn't meant to be seen by anyone but me and my friend. I confirmed that, yes, I liked girls, but I also liked boys. That must have helped because she relaxed a bit and started opening up. She just had a few questions about my sexual history, like how old was I when I knew I liked girls, first time I tried anything with another girl, etc. It was a little embarrassing, but nothing too bad. I reiterated that most people don't know for sure what their preferences are until they're older, but if she felt she was gay, then cool, obviously she had my support. We both agreed to keep everything talked about on the down low from our parents until one of us decided to come out. Probably still going to be a little awkward for a while but at least she's no longer being a recluse.
I didn't bother asking if she had done anything more than just watch it. I think I'm ok with not knowing the answer.
Sorry if this update isn't as entertaining. I'm tired and cranky. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on how to approach this.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go kill that Comstock bastard and rescue my darling Elizabeth.
dude21862004: Haha, you hate Sif? Wait until you reach Ornstein and Smough.
whyismyipadsticky: ... do I even want to know what they are?
dude21862004: A mixture of frustration, hatred, and bullshit all mixed into one.... And that's just on the way to the white door.
JordansEdge: 4 kings were worse for me, it took ~30 deaths for me to stop being stubborn and take off Havels armor so I could roll and sprint faster.
dude21862004: Nope, the single hardest boss(es) for me was Ornstein and Smough. Took me at least 100 deaths to beat them. I just could not kill the last guy. To be honest many of my deaths were just frustration based and trying to either get there too fast or rushing the battle. The worst part was that after I beat them I got invaded, died, and then died on my way to get the souls back :/. Lost millions of souls on that part, but also leveled up like a mother fucker.
BloodyLlama: That's what a ring of sacrifice is for. Your bloodstain won't go away if you die with a ring of sacrifice on.
dude21862004: I don't remember that, so I probably didn't have it. I think I had the ring that increases carrying capacity so I could use the Silver armor and sword.
BloodyLlama: Rings of Sacrifice only cost 5,000 souls each. You should always have one in your inventory.
dude21862004: I finished the game at least a year ago. So just a bit late on that advice, lol.
BloodyLlama: Replay it!
| 11 | 181.545455 | |
1410117271 | 1410207345 | t3_2fqo3y | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking out of my downstairs faucet.
I was downstairs in the unfinished bathroom and decided to get a drink directly out of the sink. Little did I know there was a spider on the bottom of the faucet. Before I realized it I had swallowed the spider and part of its web along with a bunch of water.
I promptly threw up and told myself I'd never drink out of that sink again.
ElementOfWater: k
DanGleebitz: k
kswift1991: k
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1410147304 | 1410179732 | t3_2frzs0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | SusqueHanah: TIFU emailing my professor
So I was in the computer lab real late at night all by my lonesome trying to complete a project that I LITERALLY was doing at the last minute. I was clearly on the struggle bus, and there was no one around to help me. So instead of continuing to freak out, I decided in a desperate attempt to email my professor. The email was simply a few lines stating my problem in the project, asking if he knew any way to correct the problem.
I waited for a about half an hour for a response and ended up just submitting something crappy. So the next day I check my email before class and I find a response from the professor. *A little late, but it was my fault in the first place for waiting so long* So I open the email and he has answered my question. Perfectly professional and to the point, but I notice something on the bottom of the email.
It was an audio file of the Boyz II Men song "I'll Make Love to You". I start freaking out, because I think that maybe in my exhausted state of project completion the night before I had sent him the file. Then I realize that I have never even heard of the song and there was no way I would have had that file on my computer. I mean, it 99.9% probably wasn't for me, but he had answered my questions in the email! Like, I would have understood if it was just the song in the email, but it was clearly an attachment. So, I went to class like nothing happened, and he never said anything about it. That was three years ago, and I still have the email just in case I ever need some blackmail.
Zizekesha: I'm now going to start messaging girls I'm talking to with an attached audio file of the Boyz II Men song "I'll Make Love to You."
Zizekesha: Wait. I'm going to attach it to EVERY correspondence.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410148696 | 1410149824 | t3_2fs1q0 | t5_2to41 | 32 | DanjerBob: TIFU by getting wasted and disappointing the girl of my dreams
This won't seem as bad as a lot of the posts on here but to me it was one of the worst things I've ever done. I have to get it off my chest.
I'm just starting dental school and I really like one of the girls in my class (let's call her "S"). We've been hanging out a lot and we've gotten really close and even though we haven't known each other for that long I really feel amazing about this girl and I think she may be the one for me. Both of us are the quiet shy types and not really into big parties. This weekend we had our final orientation week event: an overnight trip to the beach in a nearby beach town. We stayed in some cottages and had a little yard to ourselves and all of us being students, of course there was a massive party in the evening. The second year students who were running it surprised us with two kegs and we had a huge flip cup tournament. Normally I wouldn't drink as much but there was so much free beer and I was just a giant idiot that night and kept drinking. I started trying to hang out with all the "cool" party animals instead of with S and the other quieter people I've gotten close to. I ended up vomiting and probably lost a lot of respect from my new friends.
This morning when I woke up I felt like shit and could barely drink water. I was feeling ok for a while but started feeling nauseous. Around this point I took S to go grocery shopping and was feeling pretty terrible but I thought I'd be able to hold back from throwing up. On the way back to my car I told her I was too sick to drive and asked her to drive and I brought a grocery bag with me. In the middle of the ride I ended up throwing up in the bag right in front of her. I've never been more embarrassed in my life. She said she was really disappointed in me and that she won't forget this. I feel like the worst person in the world; even in the short while we've known each other I'm developing feelings for her and her disappointment is killing me right now. It's not even just her I'm disappointed in myself because I know I'm not that type of person. There was no reason to get that drunk just to please all the party animals who I'm not even friends with. I ended up talking it out with her this evening and while she says she forgives me she said she won't forget it. I deserve all the shame and embarrassment but at the same time I really want her to still like me after this.
I know most of you have experienced being super drunk and won't think it's a big deal but I really fucked up. S is really disappointed in the fact that I wasn't able to have self control that night and tried too hard to be something I'm not. I lost a lot of respect last night from her and from the other people I want to be friends with and I don't know how I'm gonna fix it. To whoever reads this: remember my story next time you plan on getting shitfaced and I hope you learn from my mistakes.
Serbmatic: Not sure how this would be considered a huge fuck up, sounds like you had a wild night in a stressful time of your life, apperently this girl a perfect in every way imaginable that she never got drunk and threw up. I'm surprised she didn't stay to help you get better instead of saying I'm disappointed, what kind of friend needs that when their sick.
Serbmatic: Also saying that she will never forget this a is really bitchy thing to do to someone you just met I'd reconsider choosing nicer people to be with
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1410149032 | 1410162460 | t3_2fs277 | t5_2to41 | 14 | LifeOnTheAwkwardList: TIFU by wearing cheap perfume.
So I'm getting ready for work. Normally I don't add any fragrances to my wash cycle, but THAT day, I wanted nice flower scented clothes. I poured in some super cheap Wal-Mart body spray, thinking that'll do the trick since I don't have any fabric softener.
Fast forward 4-5 hours, and my clothes now reek of cat piss while I'm at work. It didn't smell like urine at first, but I guess the compounds in the fragrance broke down over a few hours and left me with pure uric acid and ammonia emanating from my body.
TL:DR: I baked piss fragranced body spray into my clothes and everybody at work now thinks a 23 year old woman peed her pants.
DrSteveBrule_FYH: I only use the finest fragrances from Walmart, may i suggest lady axe?
kriegsnebel: Or my personal favourite, " Old Hag Spice".
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410149769 | 1410150418 | t3_2fs36d | t5_2to41 | 6 | Greasy_bacon25: TIFU by signing up for zoosk.
So I have been single for about 3 months now and I thought "Hey! I'll try zoosk out...seems popular and haven't heard anything bad about it!" this was a bad idea. Upon signing up for free I set my profile up and derped around liking profiles and trying to message women when suddenly I receive a message from a pretty cute woman my age and relatively close to me. I go to click on the message as I am curious to see what she said. A window pops up saying I need to subscribe to see the message... so I purchase a 1 month subscription for $29.95 thinking eh whatever if I don't like it after a month I'll just get rid of it, it's only 30 bucks... so I view the message it is irrelevant garbage. After a while I open my email and I see zoosk emailed my receipt for my subscription. These scammers charged me $54.95!!!!!!! Nowhere was it shown that there would be a 1 time activation fee of $24.99 which is ridiculous to charge such amount especially when they raked me over the coals with the $29.95 1 month subscription which i so stupidly agreed to. This is a cautionary tale DO NOT SUBCRIBE TO THIS SCAM DATING SERVICE! STAY AWAY!
TL;DR zoosk isn't free and they will over charge you don't subscribe to this scam of a dating site....
kyfoxhead: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxm401HWJO1r14hyao1_500.gif
Greasy_bacon25: Yep. A little voice said "you're gonna regret this." I didn't listen...
| 3 | 2 | |
1410138276 | 1410150905 | t3_2frm2s | t5_2to41 | 19 | reddvl5: TIFU by accidentally party-crashing a NASCAR luxury suite
This happened back in 2000 or 2001 a little bit before Dale Earnhardt passed away. I'm not into racing but one of my best friends was a true NASCAR fan and visiting from the midwest. My cousin was the gas man for a driver, #43, and so he hooked us up with some pit passes so we could see the action up close.
We drove down to Fontana (near LA) for the race, got the pit passes, and parked the rental car. We were more than an hour early and so strolled to the track. There were luxury boxes and one of them had a #43 sign so we went in to kill some time. We were both in our 20s at the time and had never had more than a few dimes to scratch together so what we encountered blew us away -- full buffet, beer, top-shelf liquor, and a hostess in a black and white uniform, neck ruffle and bow tie. She welcomed us, took our orders and so I was feeling pretty good about myself, scoring points with my best friend for the VIP treatment. I'm already writing the thank-you note to my cousin in my head.
After about an hour of stuffing ourselves, and getting waited on hand and foot by the hostess, a few more people started showing up and I figured they were cousins or friends of my cousin the gas man. I did notice that they were significantly better dressed than we were, but what the heck - it was NASCAR. They weren't very friendly, though, and congregated by themselves in a corner.
To set the scene a little better, we have a group of 50-somethings with ties, sport coats, sipping whisky neat and two 20 year olds wearing jean shorts, t-shirts and "Intimidator" baseball caps double-fisting beers.
I'm usually pretty quick in social situations but having never been to a NASCAR event, or a luxury box, so I was a little slow and still hadn't figured it out . I ordered another beer and got a stern 'not impressed' look from the hostess - the only thing a #43 car and a #43 luxury box have in common are 4 and 3. Uncomfortable. We made like we had somewhere more important to be and took off.
cerjam: why would you leave VOLUNTARILY? epic fail bud do you know how much that sorta deal costs? YOU WAIT TILL YOU GET THROWN OUT ON YOUR ASS!
Colalbsmi: Or he could not act like a scumbag
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1410151094 | 1410173081 | t3_2fs4w3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by blindly grabbing a towel.
Today, I was getting ready to go to bed, so I washed my face. My bathroom has a hamper for used towels, and at the top was one that I used yesterday after a shower. I, assuming it was still clean, dried my face while I was still blind from the soap.
I thought to myself, "Wow, this towel smells familiar." I wasn't sure what it was but I thought it must have been the smell of my new hand wash or something. Nope. It was cat vomit.
TL;DR: My roommate cleaned up my cat's vomit with a towel and I used it to dry my face. :(
EroKintama: oh gross..... my stomach and face just cringed after reading that. Hope you washed your face after that?
XJ95: Na, I have a feeling he left it and walked around with cat vomit on his face imo
EroKintama: Hmm.. maybe its a new skin treatment method. I mean, people do smear mud and other crap all over their faces sometimes...
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1410151516 | 1410154299 | t3_2fs5dj | t5_2to41 | 5 | YepYepThatHappened: TIFU by getting caught jerking it while I'm high.
This is a fuck-up on multiple levels; not to mention that I'm still pretty high and typing is ultra surreal. Like this just happened ~15 minutes ago.
Anyway, to set the scene, I'm laying in bed, listening to The Strokes while browsing random shit on my phone. I had some Gold Dragon (weed tincture) and have mostly just chillin' with myself and messing around on my phone for the last hour or so. Almost out of nowhere, I get the idea to jerk it thinking that it'll be super fun and stuff. So I pull out my dick and jerking it with my fuzzy blanket thing. (Don't dis soft fabrics, they're ultra great for jerking it and allow for easy clean-up cuz ya don't have to wash ya wiener if ya shoot it into a tissue.) I've got noise-cancelling headphones btw so I'm listening to The Strokes while I do this cuz like why not enjoy both? So my sister must've been knocking or something and since I was high I didn't think to lock the door or at least turn off the light. And I had my eyes closed cuz I was getting pretty close to the big finish. So she walks in real quick and closes the door real quick without saying anything. I didn't know it was her until a couple minutes after. I didn't even realize what had happened at first so i decided to keep going cuz she left and i finished and cleaned up in the bathroom. I thought it was my brother. So in all smarts that I have, I went straight into his room and was like, "that was you, right?" I really wanted it to be my brother cuz he'd be the most cool with that kind of thing. But he was like, "hey your sister got home just now. You fucked up." So now I want to confront her and apologize for what she saw but I know I'm way too fucked up to even attempt keeping being high a secret. I mean my brother knows I get high so I just told him the whole story from my end. Sorry if it's confusing. I just wanted to get it off my chest. My friend just got here with some food so I've gtg. I'm 19 btw.
YepYepThatHappened: I made an account just to post this. Been lurking for like 2-3 years. It's OC I guess.
Aldente_jewfin: Hehe. The "Strokes"
thesetheredoctobers: best part
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410151971 | 1421038547 | t3_2fs5wm | t5_2to41 | 42 | thelegendhimselfJUKE: TIFU my first blowjob
So me and this girl were talking and I asked her if she would blow me and she said yes. A couple weeks later I ask her to come over and you know start to get into it. So we do the easy stuff, making out and stuff, and then she goes down and starts sucking me up. The thing is, this was my first time and she was really good at it. She like sucked it from the bottom of my dick to the tip and im really sensitive. I couldn't hold it in any longer so I nut her mouth. She was extremely mad and started punching my leg and spit it all over my leg and it got all over the bed. My leg was numb, like what you would get from a charlie horse. She left that day and have never talked for the longest time.
Aiof: I guess you can say bitches cum and go
[deleted]: Saturday through Sunday, Monday...
Kingx2000: Just sit your bum ass on that fuckin runway yo.
soggywaffles24: I'm here to save you girl, come here to Shady's world
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1410152394 | 1410198074 | t3_2fs6fn | t5_2to41 | 1,024 | coffeeonsunday: TIFU by being a doctor at the wrong time [NSFW]
This just happened.
She just left.
I have been talking to a lady on an off for a few weeks. I have a busy life which includes medicine, so I have trouble finding time for some encounters with potential for passion and intimacy. I just drove back 10 hours from a conference in Boston to my locale in Toronto. She planned on meeting me at my place. Though exhausted and my legs were like jelly from the drive, the anticipation of intimacy was overwhelming (It's been a while[months]).
She gets here, hops on the couch, says all the right things, does all the right things and the moment transpires rapidly into foreplay. Since it had been a while, I throw her back on the couch, lights dim, good slow, deep sexy house music playing and start exploring. With the moonlight breaking through the crack of the curtain on her body in delicious lingerie, my hungry was rapidly increasing. She gets on her side, legs on top of one another, throws her hair over exposing her neck, sexy as fuck. I guide my hand down to her pussy; feels delicious. I play around, not penetrating, building the craving. Then, I put one finger then after getting her super wet...
And that's when it happened.
The whiff. Intense. It took me back to so many gyne exams where the smell overwhelmed the room and I, though having to be professional, felt squeamish inside. After all, I love them.
I immediately lose my rock, and tell her I can't do this tonight. She, confused starts asking me what's wrong. For 15 minutes I bite my tongue and try and play it off as the drive getting to me and me not being able to perform. She doesn't buy it. I tell her, very particular with my words, that sometimes during pelvic exams, you can 'sense' symptoms before actually examining. Her eyes open and jaw drops at the realization. I quickly tell her it isn't chlamydia or an STD, that it's BV, but the damage for me had been done. My experiences had brought such an intense response that all mood was killed. I apologized a million times,
She thanked me for my honesty/steps to treat, then She left.
No text received yet.
Did I do the right move by being honest?
As I type, my finger, after vigorous washing, still carries detectable evidence.
TL;DR - Did a whiff test on a girl I was getting busy with, smell sent my body into shock and shut off immediately by reminding me of all the clinical encounters with patients who had similar and more intense scents.
note: I understand this condition is common among women, and I don't want to offend anyone, but it's worthy of elaboration since it still NEEDS to be addressed with medication/intervention.
EDIT: I neglected to mention the fact that she gave a delicious 'you're honesty is admirable' BJ from heaven. Painted the walls when I was able to calm down and push the thoughts from the previous 20 minutes out.
Bongoo7: If it smells like trout you better back out
CBRN_IS_FUN: If it smells like trout, pull it out. If it smells like salmon, keep on jammin. If it smells like bass...
The_Lurking_Archer: ...drop it?
CBRN_IS_FUN: Brrrrrtttttttttbzzzzbzzzbzzzbzzzzzzbzbzbzbzbuuuuruuuuuuuuurrrrrrr
guinader: Is this a reference to dubstep?
ArtThouAngry: No, it's a 56k modem reference.
R009k: As in dropped packets?
ArtThouAngry: Yes?
CBRN_IS_FUN: I maybe didn't take all my pills this morning.
^but ^yes, ^totally, ^that's ^my ^dubstep ^impression.
| 10 | 102.4 | |
1410144647 | 1410262251 | t3_2frvyg | t5_2to41 | 16 | positiviti: TIFU by giving my chest eyes
Silly shirt!
Medic_guy: While I do think the shirt is awesome, the only flaw I can see is you being nice and accepting of others, if that is a flaw. No other flaws noted from what I'm seeing.
positiviti: That makes me kinda sad. But thank you, the back of the shirt is pretty kick-ass. Too bad it will never be seen! (Macy's mannequins are the best salesmen, I swear.)
Medic_guy: Sorry, I wasn't trying to insult you. I just meant that I thought you were a beautiful person, inside and out.
You_Got_Gold: Enjoy the Gold!
Medic_guy: Wow, pretty sure I didn't do anything to deserve that, but thank you. I just wanted the OP to remember that sometimes it the good others see in us that help remind us who we really are. This is especially true when we're not feeling that great about ourselves.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1410153918 | 1410154445 | t3_2fs88u | t5_2to41 | 156 | Aiof: TIFU by accidentally showing children my ass
I was home alone, just got out of the shower and what i usually do when I'm home alone is that i go butt nekkid with only socks. Went into my room to dry off and I noticed a loud ass sound screaming "WTF IS THAT," I look out the window (still butt nekkid) and i see children running, I thought oh why the fuck are they running, but some kid yelled out "SHAVE YOUR HAIRY ASS." I forgot I lived right in front of the park and forgotten to close my blinds, while I was drying my body. Turned out these children were right and I proceeded to shave my hairy ass.
My ass is silky smooth now, look who is laughing now
Suuupa: [Oh Shit]
(http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html)
Sopilano: Well now OP will have a vacuum sealed ass
| 3 | 52 | |
1410151050 | 1410229854 | t3_2fs4ua | t5_2to41 | 12 | natos20: TIFU by not looking both ways and getting hit by a car
This happened 2 and a half months ago. I was walking, and I didn't look when crossing a street. I walked into the street and BANG a car hit me. It was going slowly, and I went on top of the car before continuing in forward motion and landing on my right elbow. A person who's name I do not know called 911, and an ambulance showed up. I hadn't been severely injured, but I had one hell of a cut on my elbow. They brought me to a hospital, patched my elbow up, and confirmed that nothing else had happened. I left the hospital walking, and got a ride home.
I am more than lucky to be alive after this incident. Even though I was fine, I couldn't do anything without thinking about how it may have gone worse. I locked down for a few days, completely swamped by the endless possibilities of ways it could have gone worse.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS WHEN CROSSING. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW CRUCIAL IT IS UNTIL YOU DON'T LOOK, AND YOU GET HIT. LEARN THE LESSON THE EASY WAY, NOT THE HARD WAY.
TL;DR: Didn't look both ways, got hit by a car, and forever scarred my memory and elbow.
ayzee93: I saw my friend get hit by a car a few years ago. He was way worse than you but he got out ok in the end. I saw everything and it was traumatizing for both of us O_O. His head shattered the windshield too.
natos20: I'm glad he's fine. But his head shattered the windshield? That seems a bit off...
| 3 | 4 | |
1410147001 | 1410184764 | t3_2frzcg | t5_2to41 | 10 | PukerAnon: TIFU by choosing the wrong option. (NSFW possibly)
This literally happened 2 hours ago, unlike most other posts here.
So some background context to clear things up and set some things straight. Sorry if this post is ridiculously long. [WARNING: if you don't enjoy graphic descriptions of flu-like symptoms than don't read ahead (But who doesn't right??...)]
tl;dr Ate too much chicken parmesan, drank too much H20, went to horny gf's house, faced with dilemma: poop or puke? Choose poop, get both and a puke covered gf's bathroom.
I am a post-secondary student living off campus. I have a girlfriend who also lives off campus with a bunch of other smoking hot chicks. My favourite soup is 'bean with bacon' and is my go-to, quick meal while away at school. I have class tomorrow morning at 8:30am. Now off to the story. Oh btw I aint(intentional attempt to prove a point) no English major so please don't rip me apart on grammar or writing technique/diction. I have quite the reputation for my unique diction and actually have the nickname "Yoda" so don't go pointing out the obvious! Unless its genuinely hilarious. Anywho:
My cousin, who attends the same school as me, was moving into his new house today off campus. His parents came to lend a hand and decided to pick me up to go out for dinner with them. We all place our orders and I smartly choose the best meal at this joint, the chicken parmesan. Now this isn't your typical frozen, cardboard box, chicken parmesan. This is some real banging food. Oh and btw there is endless caesar salad and freshly baked bread. So dinner finally arrives piping hot to our table and I decide that I'm really going to stuff myself since this will probably be the last good meal I have in a while. Dinner comes and goes and I leave the restaurant totally filled to the brink with this heavenly deliciousness. We head back home, they drop me off at my house, and we say our goodbyes. Everything is normal, my stomach is feeling extremely bloated, but nothing to worry about. I then head inside and think that maybe all that cheese wasn't the healthiest thing and I recall back to something my mother had brought up: 'that you should drink a bunch of water after a not-so-healthy meal to help flush everything through'. So I get out the Brita (water purification container in fridge) and continue to down the entire jug. Now I start to realize that my belly is feeling quite top heavy but whatever, nothing too crazy, just a couple of gurgles. Maybe a good lay down may help. So I head down to my bedroom in my rental house and lay down for a couple minutes.
Then a txt from the gf appears urging me to come over for some post dinner, full belly, sexy time. Now there's no way I'm turning this down and succumbing to my belly's evil plea. So I jump outta bed and make my way over to her place. By the time the bus dropped me off at her house my stomach was gurgling itself apeshit so I hoped it had gurgled itself out. I knock on her door and like always I'm let in by one of her drop dead gorgeous housemates. I meet the girlfriend in the kitchen as she is filling up a glass of water. This glass of water reminded me, again, of my mother's advice so I continued my water binge now at her place. After my 3rd or 4th tall glass of water she starts becoming impatient and tries pulling me up to the bedroom upstairs. I tell her to let me finish this glass of H2O as she goes and gets ready, so she goes and runs up stairs.
This is when things really started to go downhill. My stomach immediately bloats to the max, probably rejecting the copious amounts of water I just guzzled, and I start to feel the strong need to lay down immediately. I begin pacing, trying to convince my insides that their devilish dead can wait. I then start experiencing the feeling that I may need to puke (vomit) and try to shoo it away as well. Nothing seems to want to sway these feelings as they only grow in severity as I holler up to my now anxious gf upstairs, 'one second', in the most wobbly vomit clenching voice ever. I make a break towards the bathroom and immediately come upon the decision to end all decisions. I understood the severity of this decision and that it must be made immediately. "To sit and address issue #1: defecation, and risk the almost impossible to hold back vomit gag, or #2:vice-versa and succumb to the mouth fountain experience while holding back the need to relax my bowels". I weighed the options and decided hastily that #2 was more urgent, I had more experience holding back the bottom end of the system. All in all I was trying to do this without any of my gf's housemates wondering that the hell was going on in their flower scented powder room. So I did what one normally does in such a situation and attempted the puke gag... except that it was dry, and I couldn't bring any of my recently enjoyed chicken parmesan back to life. So I quickly made a reversal and proceeded with option numero 1. It was halfway through this experience that I made the heartbreaking, startling discovery that I now in-fact had to perform both actions at once. Boy of boy did I realize I was in for a trip. I once again was face-to-face with a haste collection of what my options were and before I could come to any sensible solution my delicious dinner was plastered on every inch of the bathroom in front and below me.
I sat there, simultaneously spewing excretion from both ends of 'the spectrum' while my gf was waiting for me upstairs all horny and shit. I quickly emerged from the fog and realized/assessed what damage had been done to her rental house's bathroom. The smell of 30 min's ago's flowery bathroom had been engulfed with my previously enjoyed dinner and unfortunately I made the inexplicable relation to my favourite soup, Bean With Bacon, it even sort of looked like it (too much information?). I quickly stood up in my puke soaked shorts, boxers, shirt, socks, and belt and evaluated how the clean up was going to take place. I understood that I must remain in the small ass bathroom until everything was spotless to minimize any chance of someone thinking something was up. I decided to clean the floor first with 3 rolls of toilet paper and my boxers, before disposing of them straight to the bathroom garbage. I then washed out the rest of my clothing into the sink and rung them out as best I could. And this was when I realized I had submerged my shorts in water with my wallet and cell phone snugly in its pockets. Could anything else go wrong? I am covered and smell of vomit and decided I should shower so I sneak upstairs naked to discover someone else is showering. The rest is rather uneventful, comprising of me sneaking out of the house all smelly with soaked clothes, and a garbage bag of puke and boxers, and making up some shitty excuse I couldn't do the deed with my gf tonight.
Why me?
Also, there is no way I can ever eat Bean With Bacon soup EVER AGAIN:(
MuffinPuff: This is how I imagine my life will be in the future; we have the same shitty luck.
PukerAnon: I would never wish this upon ANYONE. The feeling of hopelessness as I sat there covered in puke with no apparent way to clean it up was something I never wish to experience again. Although if you really do imagine your life to be like this, its not really that bad since I'm the luckiest guys alive as I still have a banging hot gf who doesn't have a clue of my destruction.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410155815 | 1410189966 | t3_2fsae2 | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming in my face
I've had a long distance girlfriend for about 4 months now and we have just started getting into camming. She really gets off and seeing me cum so I try to put a close up when I do. I normally don't come too hard so I didn't think it was a big dealing If I leaned forward a bit. And for the first time ever I shot longer than a foot. And directly into my nose mouth and eyes. Yes both freaking eyes.so blind and trying to not taste and inhale my own jizz I dropped my phone and tried to find a towel.Meanwhile my girlfriend who is dying laughing on the other end of the FaceTime call and when I finally cleared eyes and nostrils of (most of) the cum I just hung up the call.
notmyfaultyourwrong: You better hope she wasn't recording, cause alot of people record.
Zoe-PhD: I'm not shy
BlazeJeff: In that case I sure as hell would be, if I were you!
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1410156273 | 1410236160 | t3_2fsavy | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating in the women's locker room
I recently started a membership at a local gym, and I had only been there one time before. I got there and went into the locker room to change into my workout clothes. There was no one else in the locker room when I walked in. I had just took off all my clothes, and was about to put on my gym clothes, but first had to apply my jock itch powder that is recommended by my doctor. To apply it, I have to put it all over my balls and around the area. That was exactly what I was doing when two girls walked in, saw me and ran out screaming. I could hear them just outside the door, shrieking to someone, something like "OMG, there is a guy in there jacking off". Obviously I knew they were talking about me, and even though I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, I got real embarrassed. Anyway, after a lot of drama, we found out that their was a problem with the sign outside the door. There is usually a letter "W" that is posted there, but a couple of the nails holding it to the wall fell out. This caused the "W" to pivot around and look like an "M". Either way, I don't think I'm going back there again. FML!!!
[deleted]: Any woman who acts like that is a complete fucking airhead. Don't let airheads mess with your mojo. People like that are less deserving of consideration than bugs.
zanda250: How were they airheads? That sounds like a perfectly natural reaction to seeing someone inside the womens locker room jackin it. What do you expect them to do? Ask if he wants some help?
[deleted]: You're probably an airhead, too. I think most people would probably just walk out and keep quiet, not go into headless chicken mode.
zanda250: You're getting real upset about this, is there a reason you feel the need to insult everyone who disagrees with you? And no, it’s fucking stupid to say that the natural reaction to suddenly seeing someone jacking off in the women’s locker room is to just leave and say nothing. That would be weird as fuck. The women have every right in the world to tell someone that there is a man masturbating in the women’s locker room. Do you really feel the need to insult and pass judgment on someone you know nothing about, simply because they reacted to something that could be considered a crime if it wasn't a mistake?
[deleted]: I'm not upset at all, but yes. I believe life would be a much better place without spastic airheads.
zanda250: Well the simple honesty is refreshing at least. Have an upvote.
Edit: Nice ninja edit. From a simple yes, then boom, back to the insults and lack of a real response. Once again, people who are surprised at seeing a crime should just keep quiet and hang out. Not tell anyone at all. Then Enjerin can live the life he deserves. Without all these women whining about indecent exposure and stuff. Whiny airheads evidently.
[deleted]: I don't care about those, either. Go gather all of your facebook friends and have them downvote me.
zanda250: O you so edgy. Guys, this guy doesn't care about the downvotes! So badass.
This one doesn't get an upvote, because it is just the same comment that everyone makes. So boring.
[deleted]: You brought it up. I was just informing you that your gesture held no meaning, either way.
zanda250: That's fine, never said you couldn't. I just made fun of you for taking the time to post letting everyone know about how much you don't care. So much not caring that you have to edit your comments and continue posting. You ambivalence is cutting and obvious.
[deleted]: Whoa now with the big words. If you find it "cutting and obvious" then you lack common sense. But, I think we've established that at this point. A desire to accurately convey one's consideration for an issue does not have anything to do with ambivalence. Of course I care about you having a correct understanding of my view point. I don't care how you feel about that. Two very separate issues.
You need to learn your words better before you start slinging them around. Either that or develop an understanding of nuance in language. Ehh, just do both, airhead.
zanda250: So, let me get this straight. You don't care about upvotes, which are an indication of what people think about you, but you really care about what people think about your viewpoint on whether or not you care about upvotes. It must be fun being you, with all your desperate attempts to get people to care about your cool guy lack of caring. Of course, you still seem to lack the ability to justify your assertion that women who observe a crime and complain about it are airheads, so we will just go back to you insulting people without reason. Nice.
| 13 | 1.846154 | |
1410157153 | 1410188506 | t3_2fsbse | t5_2to41 | 344 | [deleted]: TIFU by dry humping my cousin (NSFW)
BirdofPrey343: NOICE
Blazed_Bit: NOICE
Ryaed: NOICE
TheIronGolemMech: NOICE?
Blazed_Bit: NOICE.
Bananaboatsunshine: NOICE.
Ges_Who: NOICE.
TrippyToast0: NOICE
Ru93: NOICE.
| 10 | 34.4 | |
1410157290 | 1410784249 | t3_2fsby4 | t5_2to41 | 878 | mythical_cam: TIFU by punching a mentally handicapped girl in the face.
I was in my high school's gym today and during P.E, my friends and I were playing basketball (we were in the team, and this was our only practice for the week because our coach was very sick). The rest of the class was doing normal P.E routine. Anyways, my friend David keeps thinking it's a good idea to run up to me and semi tackle me (not to the ground) whenever I go to take a shot, and I'll admit it was pretty funny the first few times, but after the 5th time I was starting to get majorly pissed off. The next time I take a shot I awaited the gripping arms that would seize me from behind. Sure enough I felt them round my waist. I dropped the basketball and yelled, "I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT DAVID". I then proceed to do a full 180 spin with my arm out (like the bride in Kill Bill when she kills that Japanese school girl chick). The sound of my furious back hand connecting with a human skull echoed through the whole gym. I felt so satisfied until I realised my horror. I had just given the mentally handicapped girl in my class the biggest smack I have ever delivered in my life so far. I'm pretty sure she was trying to hug me. My life went I'm slow mo as I watched her topple to the ground. The whole gym goes completely silent. I felt sick. I was 99% sure that moving schools would be the only way to remedy this problem. Just before things got way out of control, David jumped in and explained everything. How he provoked me and how I had no idea. He vouched for me and I owe him big time. I fucking salute you buddy. Anyway, after walking this girl to the sick bay at our school, I met up with the rest of my class. Who (despite the whole high school cliche) were very understanding. Still one of the worst days in my life so far...
Raiden_Gekkou: Was she fucking sorry?
DylanFucksTurkeys: I bet she liked that.
[deleted]: Yeah you like that you fucking... oh
PM_ME_YOUR_ZIPPER: It's ok, I'm wearing pants.
staytrill77: That's so tractor
Wiiplay123: Something something something something
VIOLENT_COCKRAPE: Take a dump
Get raped
Never look back
Wiiplay123: Relevant username.
ChapWOP: This whole comment tree made me dribble with laughter
| 10 | 87.8 | |
1410157960 | 1410207588 | t3_2fsck2 | t5_2to41 | 113 | blackmaple: TIFU - I forgot lube was used for regular sex too.
Me and a now ex-girlfriend were having sex, which quite frankly happened often in this relationship (gotta love college). Things were getting pretty rough (in a good way) when she pulled a bottle of lube out while I was doing her from behind. In the past whenever we used lube it was for the very few times we did anal sex. So, I took this gesture as "stick it in my butt" needless to say it was not. She screamed, obviously surprised and preceded to call me every name in the book, cried, did all the fun stuff girls do, as I sat there utterly confused.
Lube is for regular sex too. I know that now.
ABoutDeSouffle: But, hm, well.. Let's just say if I want to stick my dick into someone's ass, I
1) lube up said ass. That alone should ring a bell at the receiving side at what I am up to, after all it's rare I lube the ass to penetrate the vagina.
2) do not simply ram home, but either insert one, than two fingers or very gently start to press against that spincter
3) go double slow after entering
TheLaramieReject: This was my thought. Who just shoves it in there fast enough to surprise someone? No wonder she was crying. That would fucking hurt.
inculcation: someone who watches porn and has never had anal sex.
let me just spit in your crack aaaaaand it's in and i'm doing my best impression of a rabbit.
VIOLENT_COCKRAPE: Yeah I mean, rough sex is rough sex, but I can't think of a single situation where I've poked the wrong hole and gotten anything other than a stream of extremely loud expletives and a bad case of blue balls. Always prep your orifices, kids
| 5 | 22.6 | |
1410158194 | 1410161403 | t3_2fsct8 | t5_2to41 | 7 | I_Will_Try_More: TIFU by assuming it was just my hair.
I work on a dairy farm in Australia and I have long hair. I always put my hair up into a hat so it doesn't get in my way when I am milking. Running hands all over my hair when I have poo hands is not something I want to do.
Between milkings I keep all my poo clothes in the office, which is just the end of an open barn. It is my usual practice to shake my clothes out before I put them on but today I was running a little bit late so I rushed to get dressed.
Setting up was going great until I felt a tickle on my forehead. I assumed I had missed some hair so I reached up to shove it back under the hat. I was poking it back when my brain registered that it felt different from my usual curls. I pulled the object down to have a good look at it.
It was a huge black spider I was trying to shove into my hat. I dropped it on the ground with a very girlish shriek and yanked my hat off, shaking it frantically in case any other spiders were in there. There wasn't but I know never to make the same mistake again.
TL:DR Rushed into work clothes and never checked for spiders.
revengz: Rule number 1 in Australia.
Always check for spiders.
Kid_Icarus42: Rule 2
Learn all the rules to knifey-spoony
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410159058 | 1410159745 | t3_2fsdni | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing the girl I'm dating a close up a pussy pic I had just received from another girl
This happened earlier tonight. I was on a date with Sarah. It was our fifth date and we have been hitting it off pretty well at this point. She wanted to take me out for my birthday, so of course I gladly accepted the invitation. She took me to this really nice steak house, and then we went to this cigar bar where we drank some scotch and had a cigar. The date was going great, good conversation, good laughs, and a beautiful girl. She sees my thumb and asks what happened. I have a blood blister on it from a few days prior from some pliers at work so I told her the quick story of what happened. I tell her how it was funny because I couldn't use the fingerprint identification on my phone because the blister made that not work. She had never seen a phone with fingerprint recognition before and wanted to see it. I let her try it and obviously it didn't work. I use my good thumb and open it up for her to show her it work. To my horror, it opens up to a text message pic of a girl's pussy that she had sent me a little earlier. I had forgotten that I had went to the bathroom a bit before, checked the text, and had closed it without "exiting" the message (so it would pop up when my phone was first unlocked). What were the odds of her looking at my phone? That was the last thought on my mind. The look on her face was horrific. She is a pretty conservative classy chick, this was shocking to her. The look on my face must've been pretty bad as well. I have a pretty quick wit, but there was nothing to say. No way to play that one off. I think she said "Wow that's gross." My response was something along the lines of "Yeah, that was. Sorry I'm a perv." I tried to keep talking about something else to change the subject, but it was a wrap at that point. It was quickly time to go, and I offered to walk her to her car but she wasn't having it. She gave me an awkward hug and was on her way. I'd like to think I can somehow salvage it but that would be quite the miracle. I think I might as well throw in the towel and move on to the next. What a dummy.
Burt-ReynoldsMudButt: Yeah thats a deal breaker
Jsch2384: Yeahhhhhhhhhh I think you're right. That was a pretty epic fail.
Burt-ReynoldsMudButt: Maybe she has terrible judgement and you can talk her into a 6th date = )
Jsch2384: Haha! Hey, ya never know. There's a lot of women out there with just awful judgement. Maybe she will be in that category. I mean hey, she must have some pretty questionable judgement if I made it this far with her ;)
Burt-ReynoldsMudButt: true there hahaha
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1410161038 | 1410258942 | t3_2fsfhr | t5_2to41 | 9 | throway69420: TIFU by finding my mothers " toys "
This happened about 30 minutes ago ( I know a story that happened today SHOCKING )
I was looking for something in my mothers room.
I found a small bag.
Guess what was inside?
A heavily used vibrator and dildo
Never going in there ever again scarred for life
TL;DR Founds bags bag
Burt-ReynoldsMudButt: giggity: what do you mean by heavily used?
lord_sherlock_holmes: yes..OP needs to expound on how he knows these are heavily used...were they encrusted with poon juice?
throway69420: Dirty, disgusting and there was a very strong scent considering I was nowhere near them.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410163571 | 1410174772 | t3_2fshlm | t5_2to41 | 11 | EroKintama: TIFU It's all farts and giggles....
So this one happened years ago when I was in high school.
I was in math class and met a girl that I thought was really cute. To my delight we became friends. Hurray. To further my delight, the next time seat assignments were changed, we happened to sit next to each other! It couldn't possibly get much better than that right? Of course not. In fact it got worse... much worse.
Now, math class came right after lunch. I must have ate something weird that day because my stomach was killing me. I swear I must have had enough gas built up to blow up the room. Anyways, the teacher was explaining a more difficult concept so everyone in the room was very quiet. Between focusing on what the teacher was teaching, the hot girl next to me, and my stomach I must have just lost control. The next thing to break the silence is the sound of one of the loudest farts I have ever made in my life.... That abruptly stopped the teaching and resulted in everyone looking back at me. Wasn't hard to figure out since the people to my left and right were looking at me.
Well needless to say that certainly changed things. I don't think people ever saw me in the same light after that. I also got a good comment from the girl asking if I had control of my ass muscles or not.... Apparently my fart surprised her too... fml.
TL/DR I farted and scared the hot girl next to me
Auditor-Of-Reality: Judging from many other TIFUs, at least it was not a shart, so you have that going for you, which is nice...
EroKintama: Yes, thank goodness for that. I suppose things can always be worse right?
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410163076 | 1410187833 | t3_2fsh74 | t5_2to41 | 7 | DrFunPolice: TIFU by baking and eating mint chocolate chip cookies [nsfw?]
I have been craving chocolate chip cookies lately and I made the mistake of mentioning this to spouse. As a result, I got elected to make said cookies.
Yesterday, while at the store, dazzled by the vast array of chocolate (and non-chocolate) chip options available to us spouse and I decided that mint chocolate chips bits were the way to go. We picked a well known after dinner mint brand (not mentioned because I don't want them to track me down), bought the ingredients we didn't have, and went home.
I patiently followed the instructions on the back of the package (spouse is usually one to make cookies), even chilled the dough for an hour, and placed them in the oven. By the second batch a mint smell began permeating the kitchen. It smelled...too minty. But I really wanted cookies so I baked at least 3 dozen before I got tired of smelling mint.
Spouse woke up from a nap, wandered into the kitchen and commented on the smell. Tasted a cookie and mutter it had a weird after taste.
I ate a cookie - the mint from the chips had permeated the whole cookie so that you couldn't get away from it. I thought that it was overly minty, but maybe not too bad.
Today after lunch we tried the cookies again. I really wanted cookies so I gobbled at least 5. Spouse meanwhile kept commenting that there was a funny aftertaste, but I didn't taste it, all I tasted was mint with some chocolate in it.
An hour later I couldn't get the hint mint taste out of my mouth. The cookies upset my stomach and I kept burping up mint. We had to throw away the rest of the 3 dozen cookies.
Later after my stomach settled I decided to head for bed. I hit the bathroom to empty my bladder beforehand. It crept up on me, the smell of mint. It was worse then when I eat asparagus. Throughly disgusted I went to report the phenomenon to spouse, who didn't want to hear about it. So now I'm telling you.
tl/dr - i wanted cookies and was punished with mint smelling pee.
Bfcishard: I made waffles with those same chips earlier, same problem. Had to throw everything away.
DrFunPolice: good to know it wasn't my crappy baking skills.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410164520 | 1410211520 | t3_2fsie4 | t5_2to41 | 162 | LeoLiam: TIFU I dont even know how to title this fuck up....but its bad....and I ended up in the paddy wagon to the police station.
TIFU Well...not really today but a few weeks ago. I went into Melbourne for a night out and got completely fuck eyed drunk. I was with my best mates and one guy new to our friendship group called Ben, so five of us in total. So before we left he said it would be ok to crash at his place since he lives only half an hour out of melbourne. And since I'd been to his house once....MONTHS ago, he just assumed I'd remember where it was and how to get there, and since I was pissed, so did I. Early in the night we lost Ben and I got a message from him saying he got the shits from being kicked out of the club and the bouncers not letting him in and caught a cab home. So at about 3am we caught a cab to his place under my directions and found the front door was unlocked to this two story home. We all crashed in the living room and were talking for about 15 minutes until we heard a noise up stairs. We immediately thought it was Ben, so we raced up stairs to go jump on him. We ran and opened the door to what looked like the main bed room only to find ben....Only it wasnt Ben....It was a lady that was huddling over her three 3 petrified kids and yelled " Just take what ever you want, just dont hurt my kids or me!!". My face immediately went red with shock and horror as the realization washed over me as we were in the wrong house, the wrong neighbour hood, and the complete opposite direction of where ever the fuck Ben's house is! I still dont even know! I yelled "FUCK!!! Wrong house we thought this was our friends!" We sprinted out as quickly as we could out of the house and down the street, still being blind drink it wasn't long before the cops picked us up and took us two the station. As soon as they told us to stop we fessed up and down at the cop shop we explained and so far she has thankfully not pressed charges by some miracle.
BeardsuptheWazoo: You are lucky you didn't get shot.
[deleted]: This happened in Australia.
BeardsuptheWazoo: Ok, Stabbed? Boomeranged? Kangerooed? *other things Americans think of when hearing about Australian?* ... guns aside, He and his mates are lucky that they didn't accidentally intrude into a house with someone inclined to attack burglars. ( I know they WEREN'T burglars, but if some guy came into my house, I would assume they were until proven not )
BTW, what are gun laws in AU? Rifles allowed for hunting?
KrustyMcGee: Very strict laws on guns in Aus. Since the Port Arthur massacre, they tightened up big time, it's very difficult to get guns these days without very good reason.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gun_politics_in_Australia#Firearms_categories
DaDigz: TIL to never go to Australia in the midst of a zombie apocalypse.
[deleted]: I think you would actually be better off. There's a huge percentage of the country that is uninhabited and has great visibility. I'm assuming the zombie virus can't be spread to animals, though. If there are zombie crocodiles, you're fucked.
UrbanJesus: Wouldn't zombie crocodiles go about eating the brains of other non-zombified crocodiles? And thus pose no threat to humans? I dunno how zombie animals work.
[deleted]: Me either. I just figured that if the virus spread like in Resident Evil, we might get zombie-crocs.
DaWizuhrd: All I know is that I'd protect you because I don't want no iron zombie monkeys on the loose.
| 10 | 16.2 | |
1410164561 | 1410187400 | t3_2fsifa | t5_2to41 | 5 | Booman246: TIFU by mocking a Paraplegic
So I'm staying in campus residence this year and there are all sorts of people in our building. On top of that, there's a whiteboard on everyone's door.
A few nights ago, I went around with a few friends and we left an interesting message on everyone's door. For example, "A$AP Alec" and "fucking Phil of the future".
There's one door on the first floor that no one had ever seen open, which we thought to be vacant. We wrote the Kid's Help Phone number on the door, then laughed loudly to ourselves and walked away. As we're halfway to safety, the door opens, and a girl on a wheelchair rolls out.
"I'm disabled, so I don't come to the door often, but I think this is very disrespectful and I will be calling resident services in the morning."
I haven't been contacted yet.
[deleted]: Dude, you're about to be kicked out of university forever and you'll end up homeless jerking off dudes under a bridge.
Booman246: That sounds way more drastic than the scenario I envisioned
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410168857 | 1410173237 | t3_2fslwq | t5_2to41 | 3 | Cleric-Lifa: TIFU by kissing my boyfriend
This happened only happened a few hours ago and my aunt is still mad.
This all started with a call from my aunt in the morning, apparently my little cousin wanted me at her birthday party. I declined because I just got recently returned home from a long visit to another state and I had planned a date with my boyfriend. Then my aunt puts my little cousin on the phone...
I didn't have the guts to tell her I was blowing off her birthday to go on a date with my bf so I ended up agreeing to come to the party. I then had the brilliant idea to just drag my bf to the party with me. Things go better than expected, we actually had fun at a young girls birthday party. But this is where it gets a bit messy. Shortly after cutting the birthday cake, me and my bf forget that we are at a kids birthday party and we go into an insense passionate kissing session. After a bit, we break off and I go to get myself a drink. I walk over to where the kids are and I'm greeted to the sight of two little kids kissing with tongue and everything. Needless to say, in a little freaked out and speechless. My aunt wanders over and sees what's going on. She screams for them to stop and asks why they are kissing. "We saw that lady doing it with the tall guy and it looked cool" says the little boy.
Thanks kid, I really needed that. Now my aunt is death glaring me and my uncle is too busy snickering at my predicament to help me. Then I get a speech about how I should be careful of what I do in front of impressionable kids. And then my bf walks up. My aunt looks like she's about to lose her shit when she sees him. My uncle takes her inside before she explodes. My poor bf has no idea what happened.
tl;dr: impressionable kids watch me and my boyfriend makeing out, I am now branded as an irresponsible young adult.
Cornbread52: How does one go to a kids birthday party and forget kids are present?
Cleric-Lifa: Well, It's rather simple if you are a derp of my caliber.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410168221 | 1410219008 | t3_2fsld0 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By giving a girl the wrong number.
Okay, so this actually happened Saturday night, but I've been working all weekend and just got chance to go on Reddit.
So for the weekend I've been working on a stall/bar at a festival. Very long hours, but you get to meet a lot of new people so it's a good laugh.
Anyway, Saturday night. There is this girl stood in a group a bit in front of where I'm working. I see her looking at me, we make eye contact, she looks away. Nothing big, happens all day with folk (I'm English, eye contact with strangers is a no go for most). But a few minutes later, I see her looking at me again, she gives me the cutest smile I've ever seen, then looks away again. A few minutes later, same thing happens again, but I smile back, she seemed to smile even more this time and again turned her head.
This goes on for a little while. When I realise my shift is up, but I can't stay and try to talk to her as I had to drive one of the lads I was working with home too. So I quickly write down my number, go over to the girl. I introduced myself and gave her my number and said she should text me sometime if she fancies it. She seemed to blush, smiled and said 'I definitely will do' with the almighty cute smile of hers. So I go back, grab my things and leave.
But now I realise. I do no know my own mobile number by heart, but something in my head that night told me I did, so I've written down the wrong number and given it to this girl. Man, I feel like such an idiot.
TL;DR Cute girl makes eye contact with me and seems interested, I proceed to give her a mobile number that isn't mine. Forever Alone...
5unbr0: Who doesn't know their own number?
You're slacking dude, better fix that shit before you get branded with **beta**
Edit: you have 24h to learn your own number or I'm tagging you as beta
WingedEgg: What does it mean being branded beta? I haven't learned my cell number and I've had it for like over a year LOL
5unbr0: Gr7 b7 m7 I r7 7/7
verytryhard: +1?
5unbr0: +7
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1410170295 | 1410175420 | t3_2fsn3r | t5_2to41 | 15 | eddiescissorshandjob: TIFU by getting blackout drunk on a date
An alright looking guy who goes to my college hit me up on Grindr and asked me if I wanted to go out for drinks. I just worked out so I was feeling cocky and with a few hours to kill, I figured why not? It was 6:30 p.m. and I was meeting friends at a club around 11 so I thought "hey, why don't I do shots before I go? It'll be waaaayy cheaper than trying to get drunk at a bar." So a shower beer and three shots of Evan Williams Green Label later, it's about 7:20 and I head to the bar where I am meeting said guy. He isn't quite as attractive or fit as looked in his profile picture on Grindr, but he was still alright. So we go in I have a couple of beers and talk about our classes and about 9:30 or so he suggests we get out of there. The last thing I remember is closing my tab and going outside. I came to about 2:20 a.m. with no clue where I was. I apparently took a tumble somewhere because I am sore everywhere and I woke up with my legs all scraped up and a deep gash in my hand. Luckily my phone wasn't dead and I was able to use google maps to figure out what street I was on and stumble home. On the way home he sent me a text that said.
"I'm really mad that you lead me into the middle of nowhere instead of back to your place and then you just found someone to sleep with. Yeah I was pissed. Then I had to walk back downtown and then walk back home. I was really pissed. It was kinda shitty of you."
I don't even know who else I found to sleep with and I never met up with my friends at that club. Two of them are moving to Toronto. They leave in two days and that was likely my last chance to hangout with them.
FilliamHMuffman1: So he was "really mad" and "really pissed", but it was only "kinda shitty of you"? What state was he in that he let you lead him into the middle of nowhere and then just left you with someone while you were blacked out?
5evrblond: I agree. Any half decent ~~guy~~ *person* would have known ~~she~~ *their date* was fucked up and tried to get ~~her~~ *them* somewhere safe.
Edit: better? :)
eddiescissorshandjob: We are both gay dudes
FilliamHMuffman1: I figured as much after you found each other on Grindr. But a decent guy would not have left you regardless of your sex.
| 5 | 3 | |
1410171275 | 1410236531 | t3_2fsnxg | t5_2to41 | 124 | thurg: TIFU by talking to my secret crush and my friend on FB at the same time.
So I was chatting to this girl I have a secret crush on and my friend on FB.
My friend and I have are very close, so we talk about just about everything.
In this particular conversation, we were talking about relationships and the importance of physical attraction.
So I thought, I should link my friend the girl(who I was also chatting to) that I have a secret crush on and see what he thinks.
So I typed "Dude, rate this girl, [crush's fb link]"
Except I messed up the chat windows and typed it to the crush herself.
I immediately realized the mistake and embraced myself for the inevitable.
She saw after a couple of seconds and replied "what the hell? did you mean to send that to someone else?"
At which point, I close my browser entirely and have not gone back to FB.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Or...you could have just said "yes, that was supposed to go to someone else...I was just trying to verify that the 10 I see is evident to everyone else"
propper_speling: OP has no game
thurg: 24 y/o and still haven't had sex yet. You were spot on
propper_speling: It's alright buddy. Sex is just sex. Relationships are more important. Relationship *with* sex, however, is the goal.
But seriously, don't approach it like "I'm 24 **and still haven't** had sex yet"; that's giving into society's sexual pressure. Your time will come, and so will you.
thurg: > Your time will come, and so will you.
peotry
| 6 | 20.666667 | |
1410176337 | 1410193128 | t3_2fssj8 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by possibly impregnating the girl I've been dating for 3 weeks.
She doesn't use birth control and despite using a condom it somehow flew off my dick mid sex without either of us noticing right before I was about to cum. The dynamics of this honestly escape me. It magically jumped off my dick where I had snugly secured it and then appeared on the edge of the bed as soon as I pull out. I have no idea how this happened. The look of horror on my face seeing my cum leaking out of here must have been incredible. Lucky for me she now tells me she is ultra conservative and abortions are out of the question. Please let plan b work. Please. Please. Please.
Fuck.
nothrowawaypls: Wow. I impregnated my friends with benefits (+flatmate! double-yey) 1 1/2 months ago. She aborted and is still crying herself into sleep every night.
Good luck to you, I hope she's not pregnant.
mankstar: D:
Fuck how awkward are things
nothrowawaypls: Awkward as shit, man.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1410176829 | 1410213830 | t3_2fst0y | t5_2to41 | 395 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently becoming a sex offender.
Thebubumc: I feel so sorry for you. Nobody should have their child taken away because of stupid laws like this.
[deleted]: ~~I agree, but you don't need to feel sorry.~~
Thebubumc: I have 2 feelings; sadness and anger. Anger at these stupid laws that allow this kinda stuff to happen. I never thought the US had a good law system, far from it; but I would've never expected something this unfair to actually happen. Maybe people over there are used to this kinda stuff but I'm from Germany and stuff like this just horrifies me and makes me feel glad to be a citizen here...
I wish you, your wife and your child good luck for the future.
ParanoidPotato: This is not the norm and has not happened the way OP indicated. I hope that you don't actually believe any of it and can smell the shit from this post all the way across the pond.
Thebubumc: What's your reason not to believe it? Do you have proof?
ParanoidPotato: Yes. Reality.
Do you know anyone who's parents don't have a naked picture of them when they were a kid? I'm a parent now myself and I don't know ANY other parents who don't have a picture or two of their kid(s).
If you're familiar with America's Funniest Home Videos (it's a home video/funny clip TV show- google it) it takes no effort to find TELEVISED clips of funny videos involving naked children doing "the darndest things."
While it's fun to label entire nations with ridiculous stereotypes, America is no more chronically homophobic while punishing "teh gayz" in our corrupt legal system than Germany still is a bunch of nazi's.
No country is perfect but this post is a raging anti-America joke in order to find gullible Redditors from around the world.
Thebubumc: I'm not so sure about that. Why would anyone post a horrible story like this if it didn't actually happen?
He also responded to a lot of comments.
ParanoidPotato: You've never read a horrible story on the internet before that wasn't true? You've never met a person IRL or online who tried to keep a lie or untruth going?
Have you ever heard a news story where a parent killed their kids by driving a car into a river but before they were caught, claimed someone stole their car and sparked a manhunt to find the thieves/killers?
I cannot explain to you why people online or IRL lie but the two largest contributing factors that I am aware of are: 1.) for the attention/pity/etc or 2.) for shits and giggles.
Thebubumc: I just don't expect people to be so stupid and disrespectful.
ParanoidPotato: You don't expect individuals to be so stupid but you can believe that an entire nation could function this poorly?
Do you think it is possible that Germany's legal system could function this poorly?
I'm not German nor am I familiar with Germany's legal system but I will give you the benefit of the doubt that if a situation like this was attempted by ANY German citizen in Germany, not only would the defendant's NOT give up so quickly but they wouldn't give up without an enormous fight and it wouldn't be so completely private and hidden that no information or verification existed on the internet. No calls to local media for assistance and to bring this injustice to the public eye? No petitions to give back a parents child? Being a sex offender DOES NOT automatically remove a parents rights. Especially in this situation where there are two parents (you cannot take away an innocent parent's parental rights under any circumstance- because they're INNOCENT.)
Thebubumc: I think you're right. Guess I fell for that one...
ParanoidPotato: Initially- so did I and I am American. It wasn't until I realized that they had no kid anymore (or ever again) and that the TIFU was about becoming a sex offender (and not having their kid anymore) that I started to get suspicious.
I'm a dad and I'm pretty crazy about my kids. I'd go Liam Neeson to get them back and be willing to forfeit any future voting rights I had to keep them with me. :-P
Lastly, you've been a great person to talk to. I hope I didn't come across short or impolite and I truly apologize if I did. Tone is very hard to express sometimes and no one deserves to be treated disrespectfully (even an OP who may have made up a story because she wanted the attention.)
Anyway, I won't clog your inbox anymore. Thanks for your responses, it gave me a chance to actually think about why I thought what I did versus just reaching for the pitchfork I keep beside my router and trying to chase down OP.
Best wishes.
Thebubumc: Thank you. You weren't disrespectful at all and it was nice talking to you.
| 14 | 28.214286 | |
1410178454 | 1410314553 | t3_2fsuvt | t5_2to41 | 423 | [deleted]: TIFU by having unprotected sex.
About 3-4 weeks ago me and this broad hooked up, I didn't wrap my willy. Then all of a sudden my peen started to itch and burn *uh oh* so I got it checked out, turns out, not only did I get Penile Yeast infection but also Gonorrhea as well as Chlamydia, maybe next week she'll tell me she's pregnant. But for now I'm on some pretty gnarly antibiotics hoping to get rid of this "Triple play" of raunchiness.
Needless to say I'm going to be using a condom from now on with randoms.
TL;DR: greasy chicks= dirty dicks.
Saturnalia93: >"Triple play" of raunchiness
That was beautiful.
CheeseAddiction: Does anyone know how long it takes to see the effects of an STD? I had sex with a girl who I found out was a stripper and didn't use a condom and I've been terrified ever since. It happened 2 months ago and nothing weird has happened with my ween, so I'm hoping I'm in the clear. I don't want to pay for an STD test and the closest free clinic is far away from me. I've been trying to wait it out and just keep my fingers crossed, and I've made sure to use a condom with any girls after that incident just in case. Do you think I would've noticed something off by now if I had contracted something?
Saturnalia93: BRUH. Go to the doctor or at least the motherfuckin' free clinic.
dancingpandapants: BRUH!
Saturnalia93: Crème brû(h)lée
| 6 | 70.5 | |
1410178987 | 1410376612 | t3_2fsvhm | t5_2to41 | 393 | obsidianConquistador: TIFU by not considering changing my battery of my laptop.
Today I done fucked up good ma, however for this fuck up to make sense a context is required.
I am in my final year of high school.
I am a teenage boy.
I have a laptop, and i call it's charger, the cha cha.
I like to relax my mind via the medium of sensual self massage.
The laptop's battery is fucked.
Last night, when I happily clambered in bed, scantily dressed in my birthday suit. I happened upon one of them famous erections we all love so much. The one's that don't just stick up, the one's that sort of throb....
Tissues are summoned in a blaze of passion and pornhub is loaded up.
It has begun...
Czech Streets, a favorite style of video was selected. Some nice looking blondey. I was hooked.
All of a sudden, the ever opportunistic laptop decided to bite me in my most vulnerable time, that chime of terror as my laptop indicated that my laptop was low. A solitary bead of sweat appeared on my head as I quickened the pace to make sure I didn't lose my visual stimulus. Oh holy jesus. 7%.
This is cutting it close.
Finally, 4 minutes of stiffened breathing and various clapping noises seize. It was done, in my ultra euphoric moment, i soak in my ambiance and become one with the bed. I manage a quick clean up and my laptop dies.
The video was still playing.
10 hours later, I activate my favorite cha cha and plug it into the porn machine, and proceed to load that miraculous whiz bang of electronics.
My heart skips a beat. Blondey is still moaning.
English is silent, as we were writing down ideas of our book study. Blondey is loud.
My teacher wasn't born yesterday and is a feminist, I shrink and feign "youtube video..."
She knows and I imitate my own form last night of dripping with sweat. Oh holy jesus. Today I fucked up.
sennzz: 7% of battery... holy shit man. I can fap 3x times to those 'czech streets' with that amount of battery life left.
gergy008: Perks of a MacBook
sennzz: u think i'd waste my money on that shit?
PilotFriend: They are good computers even if they are more expensive than they should be. Also, some of them get 10 hour battery life and can run just about any game at relatively high settings. The only issue is that to run a lot of games you need to be running a virtual machine.
eyusmaximus: *cough* Desktops don't need battery, thus are better in every way *cough*
FreakTalent: *cough* you can't carry a desktop to your english class *cough*
eyusmaximus: That's a good reason to bring a phone and say that you don't have a laptop.
PilotFriend: Why would you type a paper and do all necessary research on a phone?
eyusmaximus: Well, you're suppose to do necessary research at home anyway.
PilotFriend: You aren't supposed to do it anywhere specific. This is college were talking about, right? Maybe in middle school they would "make" you do it at home. Also, I have a 3 hour break between two classes, so instead of driving 30 minutes home and 30 minutes back, I will do it in the classroom my last class was in since it is empty for the rest of the day.
eyusmaximus: Why do you keep referencing to Middle School? Also, by research at home I mean before your next day at college.
| 12 | 32.75 | |
1410179117 | 1410188713 | t3_2fsvn7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Tifu_hard: TIFU by letting it get to me.
##Background of me.
Im a 18 year old guy who has had rough times.Few years ago my mother went to hospital after she drove into deer, she had concussion and some internal bleeding...
On the same day when she got into hospital i caught my dad cheating on her, and decided to wait til evening that i would tell mom. My mom also had a BIG health insurance, so after her death my father got it all to himself. I hadnt got along with my dad, never. So after few weeks that mom had been gone, my dad marries again, Yes that was the chick who was he cheating with. I moved out after a month, I now was 16 and had to go to school + half time job luckily I got a place without rent to myself for 2 years (owner is at uni few thousand kilometres away)
I have 2 younger brothers and a younger sister, they dont know about how big scumbag my father is and I hope that my siblings wont get that until they are atleast 16+, also my youngest brother is now 4 my other brother is 8 and my sister is 11.
Btw : My dad is basically a millionaire after he got the insurance money.
#The actual fuckup
So few days ago it was my youngest brother´s birthday, I went to there and had fun with them. My dad was also there and was very angry because he saw that i showed up. So when everybody started to go home I went to put him to sleep, I took his Mac (YES 4 year old has a MAC) and went to youtube, then i searched for somekind of cartoon I think it was Thomas the train or smth like that. So my dad comes in and starts yelling that he has workers to put him sleep and asked why the fuck im touching his Mac. At that point he accuses me of stealing and states that if I dont get out of his house in 1 minute hes going to call the police.
Im very poor so I basically dont have money for anything and it kinda gets to me that he accuses me of stealing, I get more and more angry.
He then called security (Yes he also has paid for 24/7 security that has 3 men stationed at the house). Those guys who showed up were like 15 Cms higher than i am and standed next to me waiting for orders from him. He then starts to whip with his hands in front of my face and yells to my face full volume he could, at that point my younger brother was crying and i went to calm him down, he then pulled me away from him and I hit my head against flat surface of some marmor table or something that kind (it happened quick i didnt saw it correctly) then i stood up and he was yelling even louder, at that point i was so angry that i hit his face with my bare hand. Result : I hit his nose with my hit and i hear a cracking voice. I immeadility go to bathroom to search for med kit. When i went back to room to help with his bleeding, I started to clean up his face of blood but he orders the security to put me against the wall. He then takes a sweep at my stomach but im strong enough to take it and it didnt leave any bruises.
Then the police comes and arrests me for assault and maybe because i hit a millionaire and he has many connections.
Now im writing this from jail....
**TL:DR Mother died few years ago and my dad who cheated on him got the insurance money, now he is millionaire and lives with new wife and with my siblings, im the only one who has moved out. Went to brothers B-day party and got accused of stealing and got yelled at me alot, then i punched his face so i could hear his nose cracking.
Now im at jail**
edthomson92: You're allowed to use a smartphone in jail?
Tifu_hard: Yeah I was but they removed my SIM so i couldnt call anyone cuz ive made already more than 3 calls...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410170082 | 1410218984 | t3_2fsmx9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | 5unbr0: TIFU by walking on poo
All happened a couple of hours ago.
As I tried to follow my newly planned morning routine, which involves waking up, 1min shower (to wake up *wake up*), do some stretches, praise the sun, run 5 miles, shower properly and get started on the day.
On my morning run however I inadvertently stepped in dog poop. I could feel the squishyness through my running shoe and definitely knew it was a fresh one. Stopped for 3-4min to clean up the poop off my shoe and then resumed jogging.
Can barely see/smell it, but my foot knows and it'll never forget.
JeremyR22: That's nothing mate. I stepped on fresh, warm cat shit with bare feet a few months ago. It squelched between my toes.
Never before have I come so close to barfing and not done so.
(We have a kitten and unbeknown to us, he'd got stuck in a bedroom for a while without his litter box....)
5unbr0: Fuck, take my upvote and I'm sorry but I hope I never get as close encounters with poop as you did.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410182606 | 1410188642 | t3_2ft005 | t5_2to41 | 4 | notgayinathreeway: TIFU by subscribing to /r/TIFU
And as a result I had to sit through asinine posts that were made up, not even remotely believable, and 90% of them are just pandering to horny little boys.
Plus, half of the frontpage right now breaks rule 7, and nobody even cares any more.
This place has become /r/incestfantasies and I'm sick of it, I'm unsubbing.
I remember when this place was new, and it was amazing, and now it is total shit and I'm just sick of it.
BigBobsBootyBarn: I think you're forgetting something..
The more popularity a site/sub/anything gains, the more followers it gets, and the more it gets flooded with bullshit. This does not mean it has been ruined, it just means you have to sort through more turds to find the diamonds. Complaining won't change it unfortunately, and life's too short to abandon something that used to bring you joy. Have a good Monday my friend.
notgayinathreeway: BUT THE BULLSHIT GETS UPVOTED.
EVERYTHING I SEE IS A STUPID NSFW STORY TRYING TO GET ATTENTION BECAUSE SEX.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Yep, and I agree with you 100%. However, once again, there are 1 million+ subscribers here so trolling and lies will run rampant. I wish there was a simple way to fix it but there's not. Even if you multiplied the mods x100 there's just no way of verifying certain stories.
Just upvote the ones you believe and leave the ones you don't.
| 4 | 1 |
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