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1410174958 | 1410529490 | t3_2fsr75 | t5_2to41 | 50 | Rinderfiletsteak: TIFU by not controlling my body in sleep
Hello guys!
This is my first post in reddit and I hope I do this right. I'm no native english speaker, so with the power of my dictionary I hope I can serve you well. The story itself happened about a week ago, but now I found time to write it down here, since I'm a big fan of this subreddit.
Some infos here: This story contains me, Rinderfilesteak, my GF, not-Rinderfiletsteak and my nightmare version, Rinder "The Rock" Filetsteak. We are all 21 years old. More Background: I'm living together with my GF and the blanket in our bed is quite too small to cover her, me and the 13 or 14 plushies in our bed (yeah.). So sometimes some blanket fights start to happen, where everyone starts pulling on a side and tries to cover himself with the most he can get. Bonus: [The height of the bed is 7 Bananas!](http://imgur.com/ABJQ7dN) So, here we go.
*It's dark. I'm hearing voices. The pain in my face makes me feel alive. But the same time I'm losing control and all turns in oblivion.*
My alarm rings, it's 6:30am so my GF should be awake since she gets up 5 - 10 mins before I do. I'm getting some undies and walk towards the bathroom, where I can see, she is in. I'm knocking since I dont wanna disturb her if she's on the toilet. She asks me to come in and the sunshine that I am, wishing her a great morning and wanna give her some kisses. As she refuses, I figure out a demon glimpse in her eyes.
I really don't know whats going on, so I'm asking is everythings alright. This is where the story happens. She told me the following:
The night before, we were going to bed, same stuff as usual, doing some spoony, then after bout 10 mins I'm turning around, since I just can sleep with my face to the wall. The cuddle animals are in between us. After some time the blanket contest started. Here I gotta tell, I'm sleeping like a rock and my GF often tells me she talks to me in the night when she can't sleep, but I really don't remember, its some kind of sleeptalks for me (I guess you can understand what I mean). Most of the time I just talk rubberish. So she started the war and tried to fight for the blanket. I was asleep (I can't remember anything) and my natural, human urge to survive was strong enough in my sleep to counterattack the attempt. So we end up both clinging the blanket to have some warmth for the night. As my GF was close to win, I was using all my power of my [OBERSCHENKELMUSKELN](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/BI3gUnPRQTA/0.jpg) and did a sick kick right into her body what made her drop out of the bed the whole distance of 7 Bananas. (I wondered some time how can I kick her that hard she dropped out, I came to the conclusion that she was struggling so hard with pulling the blanket to her she throw all her weight in it, so it came to a reaction like someone pulling a rope and the other one let loose.)
I shall tell you now, since I'm forced to it, she is the great winner of the blanket contest, as she took the blanket with her while flying out of bed. She totally enraged slapped my face (what I have some dimmed memories) and some hits to my body. I guess I slept fine tho.
TLDR: My GF contested the blanket, but you better not fuck with me
Edit: looking over this again, I used a ton of commaronis. Sorry englishmen, but this is how my german brain works. SCHMETTERLING!
impulsiveboner: here's a TL;DR: Got into a blanket fight with GF while sleeping and kicked her off the bed, lost the fight and the blanket all of it still sleeping.
Rinderfiletsteak: I still doubt I lost it, one does not win the blanket contest against me
impulsiveboner: dude she got kicked in the gut and flew off the bed. You should be grovelling in front of her and beg for mercy and try to make it up to her.
Rinderfiletsteak: no worries, everything's fine! Ofc I was very sorry, but she understood it was an accident
impulsiveboner: good for you! I wish we could have taken a look at her face in the morning when she told you all about it and you claimed you were sleeping through it all! :P
| 6 | 8.333333 | |
1410184316 | 1410283862 | t3_2ft2fk | t5_2to41 | 7 | nosexytimesforme22: TIFU by sexting my boyfriend
I sent him a snapchat of me playing with my boobs and a text saying
"I'm feeling naughty. What are you up to tonight?"
He responded "I might crawl in to bed and watch a movie."
PM_ME_YOUR_CUTE_LEGS: Relevant username.
In all serious though if any straight male interested in you got a message that contained you playing with your boobs and saying "I'm feeling naughty" they would be all into that. Wouldn't even have to be someone you are dating.
georgekart: H8 all those throwaway names. Ppl y u do dis?
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: For the love.
georgekart: Judging by your name you are same guy that I responded to in the first place, if I'm correct you can answer with username like YOU_ARE_CORRECT
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: I'm not the same person. I don't want pms.
Ha. Menstruation jokes.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1410185185 | 1410193909 | t3_2ft3q4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Throwerfa: TIFU by flirting
Background story: we used to be best friends (still in high school) and I thought she liked me. We used to live on the same street. Then I and her moved to different towns.
So we were talking back and forth for maybe an hour then I said I didn't want to got to school. She asked why and I said cause it's school and I can't talk to you (we were on the phone at night) and then she said she had to go to bed... Now she hasn't texted back yet
AthenasCurse: You may be reading too much into it. She probably didn't know how to respond in the moment and if this was like yesterday or something, relax. You guys are still in high school, home of over reactions and dramatically dramatic situations. Don't dwell on it and just text her something neutral later today or tomorrow.
Throwerfa: She texted me this morning. Saying good morning
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410182572 | 1410282806 | t3_2fszxz | t5_2to41 | 23 | ThrowawayDABBLE: TIFU by mistaking back fat for a vagina
last night i was at a party, I got wasted and ended up going to bed with a rather large girl. She was layed on the left facing the wall and i was on the right facing the roof, i was flicking through some dirty photos on my phone when i got a boner. This girl suddenly turned over and saw my boner and started to rub it and then turned away as if to tease me. I tried to spoon with this girl and started thrusting against her, i thought i had penetrated her when i heard her say "why are you poking my back?" the whole time i had been poking her back fat with my penis.
therealteej: I don't understand the physics... is she a giant or are you a midget? Or both?
ThrowawayDABBLE: I am a tall person, she is fairly tall but more round than expected. there for making it difficult to figure out if my penis went in here back fat or some where else.
praticle: But like... the back is no where near the vagina...
make_it_clap: virgin
ThrowawayDABBLE: All of the above
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1410185057 | 1410294890 | t3_2ft3is | t5_2to41 | 1,415 | wilburnicus: TIFU by asking my French professor about her genetalia
This happened during my junior year of college two years ago. It was French 102 and we were practicing asking questions. Our exercise for that class was to pretend we were offering a room for rent. We had to ask nearby classmates three questions then explain who would get the room based on their answers. I thought of my three questions then spent the next 10 minutes asking my fellow classmates. Finally the professor had us sit down and say what some of our questions were. One girl raises her hand and asks "Est-ce que tu fumes?" (Do you smoke?), another raises his hand and asks "Combien de pièces avez-vous besoin?" (How many rooms do you need?). I raise my hand and ask my question "Madam, est-ce que tu as une chatte?" My French professor suddenly looked extremely horrified followed immediately by confusion. She responded "As a matter of fact I do." She said this in English (she rarely said anything in English during class). "Do you know what you just asked me?" "Yeah," I said, "Do you have a cat?" She smiled and said "Not quite. You asked me if I had a pussy." Lesson of the day - all cats in French are masculine.
TL;DR Tried to ask my French professor if she had a cat. I ended up asking if she had a pussy.
wilburnicus: She then proceeded to tell the class about the time a non-French friend of her's was at a party and complimented the hostess' beautiful black pussy
Submitterher: I guess French is different in different areas, but at my school "une chatte" is just referring to a female cat, like "une chienne" is female dog.
crimefightingrabbit: Where do you live? Is French your first language?
Submitterher: Second, I do work in a French school, though. In the daycare with 2-4! Year olds.
That is now we teach them.
crimefightingrabbit: I think that might be wrong but am not certain, best to check with a French person. Source: I'm half French, spoke French daily till I left home at 18. Don't speak it often now though so get things wrong sometimes. "Une chatte" is definitely not something I'd say to my Mum!
Submitterher: Well you have an entire French school/ community to convince on that. Paris French and Acadian French can be quite different.
I would like to think also that in a school of 1,500 people that one of the parents would have corrected us by now as there are about a 50% chunk of the school who have French as their first language.
Photark: French is my first language and "une chatte" as well as "une chienne" have double meaning. Every french speaker I know (which is pretty much everyone I know) acknowledge it. But yeah, I don't know about Acadian French, but Quebec's French and France's French certainly has that double meaning
SnowFoxyy: Yes, it's not filled with the double meaning when taught, you learn it as you grow up.
You're not gonna tell young children the '' nasty '' stuff it's attached too.
epimeral: Just like with English, really. Doubt anyone goes into details when it comes to double meanings of cream, buns, sausage or riding until they get a bit older. (Or stumble upon them on the internet...)
| 10 | 141.5 | |
1410188607 | 1410191250 | t3_2ft94z | t5_2to41 | 42 | joecooool418: TIFU By sharing my Amazon Prime account with my wife
My wife needed to order something off of Amazon and used my account because I pay for Prime and get the free two day shipping. A few days after she placed the order, she went into the account settings to track the shipping.
A couple of months ago I went to a bachelor party and had bought several DVD's and other assorted "adult" items. That was the first thing she saw under her order she was trying to track. Needless to say, a rather unpleasant discussion ensued.
I had forgotten that stuff was still in the order history. I do remember trying to remove it after I ordered it, because the whole family has access to Prime to watch movies. Unfortunately, once you order something from Amazon, its in your order history forever. There is no way to delete or hide it.
So let that be a lesson. If you don't want anyone to ever see what you ordered from Amazon, either never share the password or don't ever order anything that might embarrass you.
Zymaxid: I don't know why wives think shit like that is a big deal. Guys like porn. Hell, some women like to watch or even read porn like that Fifty Shades of Graytard. Why is the latter more socially acceptable than a hard working guy buying porn and stuff to smack his salami with?
Edit: words.
joecooool418: It wasn't the DVD's, it was the other "adult" items. She wanted to know who was using all the toys I bought.
r3solv: Now I want to know who used these toys. What did you hire for the bachelor party, a hooker instead of a stripper?
joecooool418: We gave gag gifts for the groom.
r3solv: Oh...funny. I know girls love to give dongs and crap to the bride but never heard of it for a groom really. Guys arent usually comfortable with penis stuff, envy and all haha.
| 6 | 7 | |
1410190696 | 1410237868 | t3_2ftcvr | t5_2to41 | 123 | jschu2: TIFU by being 6"1 in asia and giving window seat to a lady in her 50's
It's been a long day. Woke up at 4 am to catch the earliest plane to Hong Kong. Ran loads of errands there under 90 degrees (32 C) weather. After a long day, I was finally on the bus to go home.
As the title suggests, I took the aisle seat on a packed bus and an obnoxious lady in her late 50's wanted the seat next to me. I was tired, instead of moving in or getting up to give her easy access to the window seat I sat up straight to let her in. There was just enough space for her to squeeze through. As the asian lady approaches her target, she assumed she could step over my 6"1 legs, but instead went off balance and sat on my knees. Rather than getting off and gather herself together, she chose to keep trying. As she was struggling towards the window seat I was receiving the most unwanted lap dance--from an obnoxious Chinese lady in her late 50's under the witness of the entire bus. I got her off with a little push with my knees. She tried to play it cool by commenting, "Thank you young men, you have strong legs." I fucked up... should have moved in or stand up. Now my knees got violated and i don't know how to make it up to them.
PS: I swear I saw her smirking the entire ride back.
ReferenceMaster: >I got her off with a little push with my knees.
Strong legs indeed.
Psychlone23: Um, phrasing?
ReferenceMaster: Are we not doing phrasing anymore?
2gudfou: If I had gold I would give it to you sir
| 5 | 24.6 | |
1410190696 | 1410207114 | t3_2ftcvu | t5_2to41 | 3 | all_teh_sandwiches: TIFU by describing Raiders jerseys
So this happened a couple of weeks ago.
So I'm from Seattle, but I go to college in the Bay Area. I've been a fan of the Seattle Seahawks for my entire life, and they were coming down to Oakland for a preseason game against the Raiders! I found tickets online for around $10, and three of my friends and I decide to go.
I'm super excited to see my team, obviously. And as we get on the train, I notice that not everyone is excited to see the same team I was. McFadden, Carr, and Ray Guy jerseys (among others), fill the train car.
As we approach the Coliseum (the Raiders' ugly-ass stadium) we're shooting the shit, talking about classes, and so on. All of a sudden, one of my friends, Thomas (name changed) turns around and points at the skybridge, saying "I wonder how many Seahawks fans are out there?" I looked at the skybridge and the huge number of Raiders jerseys, and dropped this gem:
>**They must be Raiders fans, they're all black**
I didn't quite realize what I had said for a moment. Then, it clicked.
> WEARING BLACK. WEARING BLACK! LIKE THE JERSEYS!
A couple of Seahawks fans in front of me started laughing, while this massive, 6'7 (i'm 6'4") black guy in a raiders jersey slowly turned around and raided an eyebrow. I thought I was going to get stabbed right there.
On top of all that, the Hawks lost that meaningless preseason game.
*TL;DR They must be Raiders fans, they're all black*
AnonySeeb: Not a huge Raider's fan here, but do not talk shit about the Coliseum.
More history has been made there than there ever will be in the SeaCocks'
all_teh_sandwiches: Come on, in all fairness, isn't the baseball diamond in the middle of the stadium incredibly distracting?
AnonySeeb: In all honesty, The A's are a much better team and franchise than the Raiders, including the Mariners.
Rather see the Raiders move than the A's.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410191063 | 1410385326 | t3_2ftdiv | t5_2to41 | 5,671 | OverzealousCop: TIFU by trying to shave off a full beard with a bar of Dove and my gf's Venus razor 5 minutes before I leave for a new job.
I finally succeeded by basically pressing the razor as hard as I could and vigorously rubbing it back and forth as fast as possible, but I'm so, so raw, and incredibly late.
http://imgur.com/rNOIGe8
I guess I should edit this since it's getting a lot of attention.
I was planning to use my electric clippers, but they had been unused for so long they didn't hold a charge, despite being plugged in all night.
I did cut the beard down with scissors after discovering the clippers didn't work. It was originally 3 or 4 inches long before I cut it. But I didn't have time to cut it super well cuz I was late, so I sorta panicked and tried to improvise.
It wasn't a job interview, I was returning to work after being on disability for awhile. Yes, I still have the job. And yes, my boss is already well aware I'm a dumbass.
As to why I waited until the last minute, it's kind of a long story, but I was sort of living out of my car/couch surfing the prior week, then I moved into a new place over the weekend and just finished unpacking the night before. I'm also very lazy and like to sleep in.
I'm gonna dip out now and let you all enjoy my stupidity. No further questions.
After work edit, because I care enough to show everyone who's freaking out about me being a waste of human life that I was ultimately successful, an [after picture]( http://imgur.com/F9QVLVJ ) (now with slightly less Muppetface).
nombre_kj: Dude...
nombre_kj: Sooo are you still employed...?
OverzealousCop: Yeah haha. My boss and I had a good laugh. It's all good.
parox91: dude, i hope you went out and bought some after shave during your lunch.
or at the very least used lotion when you left...
i've shaved full beards many times with just a razor it sucks. I couldn't imagine using my gf's razor...
Soccadude123: Why wouldn't you use an electric trimmer to at least get it short enough to shave
Areumdaun: And if you don't have one.. At least use scissors to cut it down first! It's insane to tackle such a full beard with really long hairs with just a razor..
hellaradbabe: Yeah, this also works for your underbrush.
PowerliftingMolester: I bet that's what people with neckbeards call it so they don't have to say neckbeard.
derek_jeter: I thought he meant pubes
hellaradbabe: More specifically I was referring to bushy vaginas, but yes. Pubes in general.
TheHaleStorm: Haha, you are a he.
hellaradbabe: why can't you ever come across my cool posts?
| 13 | 436.230769 | |
1410191331 | 1410202417 | t3_2ftdy1 | t5_2to41 | 30 | darnuworld: TIFU by letting my daughter appear in my car commercials.
I let my 12 year old daughter appear in my car commercials. Where she says you should give Cox a try. Now the boys in school keep telling her they have a cox she can try .
r3solv: Really. Really? This cant be real. You had to know this would happen. Why would you do this?
JeremyR22: It seems to be real, the video at least - it's on Youtube. Dunno if it's really OPs daughter, of course.
I'm not gonna link it because I'm sure it's a little close to the line on personal info but it's really not had to find given that clever OP told us the name of the dealership and gave us a catchphrase to search for.
The video has been up for almost 2 years, though and has a whopping 150 views but I guess it went out on local TV too. Really fucking dumb, but I guess OP realises that now.
Phoneking13: You should see the father's name lol. No offense OP
JeremyR22: Yes, I may actually have snorted with laughter at that. I wonder how he survived highschool?
| 5 | 6 | |
1410191973 | 1410222788 | t3_2ftf38 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by having the cops called on me for wanting to borrow a phone.
Went to a party last night and drank way too much to the point where I was kicked out of the party (due to a fight). My phone was dead so I knocked on several doors to ask if I can borrow a phone so I can get a ride. Unfortunately, the person who came out was shit faced and didn't like my attitude because I cussed. I apologized and asked politely. Next thing I notice, I'm surrounded by all his drunk friends trying to explain why I wanted to use the phone. I accidentally cussed again in which everyone acted like it was the end of the world. They said I crossed the line and threatened to call the cops to which I agreed to since I thought I've done nothing wrong. I was obviously mistaken because they put me in handcuffs and took me away (public intox). I know what I did was dumb and I did learn my lesson. Now I'm trying to get an attorney which is gonna cost me and trying to not get kicked out of the army. I sent a message to the host of the party apologizing for my behavior because I felt pretty bad. On top of that, I have to pay 2000 dollars to a phone company because I used the internet three times while abroad. Apparently, they charge differently according to the site. Things have been looking gloomy so I needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading and good luck to you all who are going through tough times.
Lessons learned: Dont get hammered in public, read every word before you sign anything.
Tl;dr Arrested for public intox and also in debt with a phone company (broke college student)
MrPoppadopolus: I know in my state public intoxication is just a summary offense. Just bite the bullet and pay the fine then, if your a good boy or girl, in a year or two you can have it expunged from your record. Granted having it expunged may cost as well at least it won't haunt you. As far as not getting kicked out of the army I seriously doubt they will for public intoxication.... That's not that uncommon in the armed service as far as I know.
As far as the phone company goes call them, a lot of the time they will work with you, especially because you're in the armed service. I used to work for a cell phone provider and you'd be amazed what can be done if you just call and ask.
This is all assuming that you are in the U.S. Which may be a big assumption but what I'm saying is don't sweat it too much. Just see how it plays out I have a feeling it'll work out better than you think.
Flourisher: Thanks a lot, I feel a little better reading that. Im doing a pre trial diversion program but I dont quite know what that is so I need to look into that.
MrPoppadopolus: Hey anytime, I've had a few instances where I've done some stupid stuff and you always assume the worst but it always works out in the end. Just hang in there and it'll be over before you know it. I managed to get my record expunged and my charges were a little heavier than yours so I can't imagine they won't let you it's just a mater of how long you have to wait before you can.
Good luck and rest easy it's not as bad as you think.
| 4 | 1 | |
1410193141 | 1410246103 | t3_2fth7m | t5_2to41 | 115 | CalvinTheCat: TIFU by letting my christian host parents catch me having sex
This happened yesterday and i still can't look into my parents eyes.
I am a highschool student from Germany and I am doing an exchange year in Costa Rica to learn spanish. I came to a very nice and religious family (catholic), they go to church every saturday and pray before doing nearly everything.
When I came to the high school i already noticed every girl looking at me, because i have blond hair and blue eyes and i am just different to everybody. On the first day all the girls already told me about how all the girls "love" me. Me being a normal horny teenager, I of course saw my opportunity in that to have some fun.
Forward two weeks, I have been taking to this one girl, lets call her fabi, and already met her and made out with her. One saturday after church i go to cut my hair and my host parents go with the kids to the house of my host grandmother. When i came home I invite fabi to my house and when she comes we start watching a movie. I told her my parents where not there and after that we started to get freaky. We started making out in the living room, but went to my room when it got to the more nude stage. We undress each other and she is laying naked in my bed. Just when I´m about to go in, I hear something in the corridor.
I stick my head out my door and see my host dad coming down the corridor, he walks past my room without my door closed, i don't have a normal door it´s a sliding door, and sees fabi laying naked in bed and me only in boxers standing in the door. I put my pants on in super speed and throw fabis clothes at her. I go out my room and my host father tells me she has to leave NOW. She leaves and my host dad is nearly crying. It ha been akward ever since and i don't think i can handle this situation for 10 more months.
TL;DR : I didn´t hear my very religious host parents come home while i was about to bust a nut and they saw me and her naked.
waffleninja: Pretty funny. Don't worry about it. Just make sure you are safe (condoms) and have fun. Try to keep your host parents out of it to save their feelings. Worry about yourself most of all before others. You are going to hurt people whether you like it or not even if what you are doing is objectively moral. Just try to keep them from getting hurt, but if they do, that's life. The easiest way to not hurt anyone is to live your life in a way that hurts yourself. I'm 30, and this is the advice I would give my younger self.
DropBearBait: This is terrible advice and don't listen to it OP. They have allowed you into their house, follow their rules. Feel free to smash these women behind the sheds but not in their house.
waffleninja: Haha, you have no idea.
DropBearBait: And you are a disrespectful person. More people seem to think you have no idea based on the response to your post.
waffleninja: WRONG. RTFP. I never said to be disrespectful. I said have fun while hiding it from the host family. GG MOTHA FUCKA.
DropBearBait: What the hell does half of that mean? RTFP? GG?
I said you are disrespectful - not that you said to be. Read my simple responses a few times before you respond, pumpkin.
waffleninja: I never said do it in the house. Jesus Christ.
| 8 | 14.375 | |
1410194032 | 1410253735 | t3_2ftis1 | t5_2to41 | 142 | TactfulGrandpa: TIFU by walking across campus while my D said "hi" to everyone. [NSFWish]
Let me set the scene: It's a cold, dreary day on a community college campus. The birds aren't chirping, the sun isn't shining, and it's not even snowing (fuck the cold when there's no snow). The fall semester was wrapping up, and I had just finished a couple final exams. Just one more exam and I would be free to enjoy the rest of winter playing video games, away from this weird real life thing. Ha, that's a joke; community college isn't real life.
Anyways, being enrolled at a community college means a lot of things. Here's 3 of those things:
1. I don't know what the fuck I want to do in life.
2. Mommy and Daddy aren't paying for college.
3. Campus is luckily just a baby campus. It's like the special Olympics compared to the real thing. Everyone is proud of you for navigating, but you're not actually all that special compared to university students.
However, being the ignorant community college student I (and everyone else enrolled) am (is?), I complain about the "long" walk from the APC to Bodie. Insert whatever two building names you can relate to, imagining they're about 1000 feet apart. And man, let me tell you, FML if I park next to Bodie and end my day at the APC. It's a solid 3-minute walk that gives me time to further contemplate how I don't know what the fuck I want in life.
Continuing this lovely story, like I said, I just finished a couple exams and had one more to go. My first two exams were at the APC, and my final one would be at Bodie. I finished my second exam a little early and had some time to kill. I figured I'd head over to Bodie and see if one of my favorite teachers was free to chat for awhile before my semester was over. So I headed to the bathroom, took care of my business at the urinal, washed my hands, mentally prepared myself for the trek across the frozen campus, and headed out.
*Damn* it's cold out, I thought. It felt even colder than when I got here at 8:00 this morning. Fuck Illinois winters. I set myself at a brisk pace; maybe I could cut down the 3 minutes to just 2.5. At least the wind was at my back, so I didn't have fierce, subzero bitches slapping my face the entire way.
I didn't pass too many people on my way, but everyone that I did pass gave me the strangest looks. Like a mix between frightened, amused, and disappointed. Some of them even seemed a little angry. Picture [this](http://aofg.blogs.com/.a/6a00d83451c7bb69e20120a94ed609970b-800wi), I suppose. People were just stressed about exams, I guess.
After about half the walk, I thought *Wow*, my legs are really cold. I look down at my pants, and *holy shit that's my dick*. Apparently my little (emphasis on **little**) pal wanted to get a peek at what he'd been missing this past year and a half of treacherous back and forth walking. My jeans, fully unzipped, could not contain the curiosity of the determined D. The strange expressions and the cold legs made sense now.
Naturally, I covered that shit up as quickly as I could, being sure not to catch the lil' guy in the zipper on his way in (though I'm not sure I would feel it at this point). I only passed 6 or 7 people before I realized my dick had come out to play, so at least 6 or 7 peoples' days were made, I hope. I didn't know how I felt about my first public nudity experience, and I still had that time to go talk to my teacher, so that's just what I did.
His office door was open, I walked in, and he's like, "Ahhh, Dan, what can I do for you?"
I say, "You know, Mr. Smith, something just happened and I gotta tell someone about it. I was just walking across campus, I felt a little cold, I look down, and my dick was hanging out."
He looks at me, mildly amused as he pushes his sliding glasses back up towards his forehead, and says, "Ahhhh, that happens to the best of us."
What does that even mean?
TL;DR: I walked across campus with my dick hanging out.
ShredderRhodes: Don't worry about the disappointed looks. It was cold.
Ah_Q: It shrinks??
[deleted]: Like a frightened turtle!
DivinePrince: I'm a girl who likes girls so I don't know about this stuff. Does a guy's dick really shrink in the cold? What does it do when it'
s hot? I'm actually really curious.
oldtobes: drastically. It's essentially a thermometer and fluctuates size based on temperatures. It's also very emotional. There are fear boners, some times you get nervous and it's like i'm outa here man, you deal with this shit on your own.
DivinePrince: fear boners?
But why would your blood go to your dick? During fight or flight, shouldn't it be going to your legs?
oldtobes: Our dicks are on our way to our legs! I actually don't know.
DivinePrince: It's ok! I wonder if I can find something about it on google.
oldtobes: It's a truly mystifying and erratic organ.
| 10 | 14.2 | |
1410193382 | 1410208944 | t3_2fthm6 | t5_2to41 | 10 | blzy79: TIFU by calling my girlfriend another girls name.
I called her Alexis and now she said she's not sure if she wants to keep dating we love each other but she won't understand it was a simple mistake what can I do?
BigBobsBootyBarn: I do it all the time on accident. I have a lot of friends both male and female and that shit happens. If she can't laugh it off, she's too young for a serious relationship in the first place. Bitches love drama.
blzy79: She takes medication for depression, maybe she is too young.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Man, I'll give you some serious advice now. Depression is a real thing, but too many people are running to medications to try and treat it. If you don't have it, that shit ends up doing more harm than good. There is a reason that one of the side effects of anti-depressants is suicidal thoughts.
There's a difference between depression and just being sad and not wanting to make life changes to fix the predicaments you're in. I'd talk to her, try to make positive changes in her life, and see if it helps. May be the reason why she's so angry over something so little.
blzy79: So bigbobsbootybarn how do I go about doing this because right now she says she doesn't know if she wants to keep dating and she says she wants time to think.
BigBobsBootyBarn: If that's the case it sounds like she's vying for attention. Give her what she wants, space. Because that's exactly what she doesn't want. She really wants you to apologize until your blue in the face and show how much you care for her, all the while degrading yourself.
But don't do that. It makes you look needy and it will not work whatsoever. Also, to your question about helping her change, you can't. Not unless she wants to. There's an old saying that goes "You can lead a horse to water but you can make it drink." and it is very, very true.
blzy79: You're a literal fucking genius last night I spent the entire time trying to apologize and she said ok like she didn't care what I said I kept trying to apologize and she said she has to think about it, I tried talking to her today, you think completely ignoring her will work?
BigBobsBootyBarn: It's called no contact, and it works. Look, if you have someone chasing you nonstop, it's off-putting right? This is true in facets off life and love, whether it's someone coming on too strong before you even date, or an ex that you're "over" and all of a sudden they want to change. Being desperate is not healthy nor is it attractive.
Tell her you will respect her wishes and leave her alone. Leave it at that. Nothing else. Don't add to it. Don't change it. Don't think what you say is going to connect with her on a deeper level. It won't. She still loves you, but being that annoying fly buzzing around her ear is not going to make her miss you.
We are programmed to miss what we used to have. If you are an adult about this and you're not doing this to toy with her emotions (she asked you to leave her alone, you're not being childish) giving her the space she wants will ultimately make her miss you. This is not the movies. Blaring your love song outside of her window will only make her talk shit on you to her friends, not realize her undying love for you.
Once she feels like she's had the space she wants, she will contact you. Be there for her, be funny, and don't be sappy. No "I was miserable without you babe" type bullshit. This will help you with two things, you're preparing yourself for the ultimate reality that you two may not actually get back together. But if you do, you will show her you are an adult, capable of understanding and honoring her wishes, and you don't look like a needy bitch.
There are thousands upon thousands of books that talk about relationships and no contact periods and how they are ultimately the best way to try to rekindle a fire with someone you lost passion with. I know it sounds shitty, but it's true. Never, NEVER has being a needy, whiny, apologetic-about-everything spouse gotten their ex back. Be a man, both grow as people, and talk about the problems when you're both ready. No contact should be about 30 days.
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1410192991 | 1410372693 | t3_2ftgy2 | t5_2to41 | 28 | mikerowphallice: TIFU by golden showering the owner of the Gentleman's club.
As is customary, this story happened a couple years ago.
Me and a group of chums were gearing up for a night on the town at an old apartment of a friends. Drinking, smoking and all that jazz and we end up getting pretty lit. So when it comes time to decide where to go for the evenings festivities one of the guys chimes in and suggests going to the Gentleman's club in the shady part of town. We all concur that this would be a good jumping off place for the beginning of the night.
Now it should be said that this Gentleman's club is the last one standing in my province (Nova Scotia, Canada) and its a wonder to me it is still operating. The service is shit, the bouncers are dicks and the ladies are very sub par. C-section scars, bruises and saggy titties a plenty. But hey, fuckit, naked girls dude!
So cut scene and we're all piling out of two van cabs we took to the cesspool of a place. Some boys start to line up and others hang back for a dart or to finish up any booze they smuggled. I decide I really have to rock a piss and looking at the line up I don't want to wait the probably only five minutes to get in.
So I walk to the side of the building whip out my dong and get to business. Due to amount of alcohol consumed and trying not to break the seal for as along as possible the piss is pretty glorious. Up and down side to side even making little swirly patterns on the side of this building, but what I didn't notice was the door in the wall I was hosing down. One of the bouncers inside must of spotted me and alerted the other guys inside cause next thing I knew this door blows open and there's a ~300lb 6'0" wall of Lebanese man meat barreling me down and two handing 140lb 5'7" me, airborne and onto my back.
All of this happened so fast and due to my state of inebriation my reaction time was extremely low so the fire hose was still stuck on full PSI all the way to the ground leaving me with my cock in hand and registering what just happened. Because of my trajectory the trail of piss started at his shoes and worked its way up his pants leg onto his shirt and then blasting him in the face. Seeing what happened a couple friends ran over and helped me up just in time for this guy to realize he was covered in my bladder splatter. " y-you fucking pissed on me!" he yells, you can see the vein in his head bulging and brow furrowing in rage. " I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!", but at that point it was too late. My two buddies and I were already half way across the parking lot in full flight mode and didn't look back. I have no doubt I would of received a good ass whoopin' if we didn't GTFO that situation.
TL;DR good n drunked up on a Friday, relieve my self before entering "da club", piss on owners door and he gets a head to toe wash down of my wee wee
hackist8286: downvoted for obvious lie...there is no way you were hit onto your back by a door opening and then managed to piss into a dudes face wow this sub is rediculous
mikerowphallice: If you read it I was facing the door and he two handed me in the chest to the ground
hackist8286: he handed you? what does that even mean lol if by handed you mean hit in the chest then that would mean you got hit onto your back this story is just so dumb
mikerowphallice: Pushed dude
hackist8286: k... instead of editing it to say two handed next time maybe just write pushed instead of handed lol...
Liveforthereddits: Or maybe you could just understand different descriptions and not be such a dick.
hackist8286: sorry dude, handed just isn't a commonly used word and sounds stupid as fuck
| 8 | 3.5 | |
1410193875 | 1410198277 | t3_2ftiht | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU By Letting My Little Sister Play my 3DS
So we had gone on a family trip to the other side of the state i live in, me and my sister were riding with some family friends. I was board and wanted to play the new game i had bought on my laptop, it was pretty graphic game and i didn't want my 9 year old sister to see that. So i asked her if she wanted to play my 3DS, i hadn't used it since the last pokemon game came out last year, so it wasn't a big deal to me. I started playing my game, she started playing pokemon, watching the Nintendo videos. After about 30-45 minutes, i noticed she got very quiet. she quickly throws my 3DS at the window. I pick the 3ds up, and im greeted with 2 lesbians, wrestling, naked. I explain "umm i, erm, didnt know that was on there" i proceed to explain that virus's do that some time. she still hasn't said another word.
TL;DR: let little sister play 3DS, had lesbian porn on it from a year back.
steezyvape: I, erm, didn't know you could put porn on a 3DS.
Then again, I know almost nothing about the 3DS.
Dinosoarman: The sd card supports all picture formats, but reformats it to .AVI when downloading from the build in browser.
steezyvape: That's pretty cool.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1410194068 | 1410205605 | t3_2ftiut | t5_2to41 | 27 | MrPoopnoodles: TIFU by passing up on the bombshell girl everyone wanted at work...while she laid in my bed.
So there I am, laying in bed next to this bombshell of a girl....
I know, I know....This wasn't today, but please try and enjoy my fuck up.
We were 17 or so. Maybe 18? We worked together at a restaurant. Very much in the same way all restaurants are, young kids, they party together, hang out together...it becomes a close knit family of sexy, drugs, debauchery, and all things you do not want around your food. There was a guy...we'll call him "Guy", to protect the innocent (I know, it's overly creative.)...and Guy was pursuing Girl. One of the sexiest girls that worked there, easy 8/10. Amazing body, very pretty. Girl and I would get very flirty from time to time, but she had a boyfriend, etc etc. So there we are, closing up from work, and she says she doesn't want to go home. I ask if she would like to hang out, and she accepts. Conversation progresses, and we go to my place. Not sexy flirty progresses, just "hey, we can go crash at my place, my parents won't care".
Fast Forward.
We're laying in bed, all pajamma'ed up, and I brush her side. I apologize, and say I don't want to come off touchy like Guy. She says, "*It's OK, You can touch me.*"
But I didn't. I guess I just blanked, or something. I don't even remember the rest of the story, I guess the fact that I passed up on it, scared me for life.
**TL;DR** Cock-blocked myself. Gave up on some sweet teenage tail (as a teenager), Kind of white-knight, kind of scared. Became a misogynist asshole after that, and did pretty well in the fur-trapping trade.
1st_lurker: I had a girl that was 3 years older than me tell me that when I was 10 at a sleepover at her house.... I went straight for her pussy.
First time feeling pubic hair and a clit.
That was a good night. I still remember her name-crystal. Her dad was a geologist and she had a huge crystal collection, she gave me a big piece of quartz crystal and I still have it in my collection.
xwhocares3x: This is amazing
1st_lurker: Upvoted.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1410195994 | 1410265910 | t3_2ftmfk | t5_2to41 | 51 | World_Needs_More_Sex: TIFU by giving my fiancee an orgasm [NSFW]
This happened a couple of hours back. I’m a 27 year old guy and getting married in a few weeks. My fiancee and I are usually very active and like getting into each other’s hooha. However, we’ve fallen behind quite a bit because of wedding preparations and her going for a month-long work trip did not help.
Today when I returned from work, I asked her to go on a walk with me because the weather was lovely. She made some excuses about being too tired from work but I managed to convince her. We walked for quite some time and she said she was getting tired again so we decided to head back. In the elevator, I put my lips near her ear and tell her, “So Mrs. World_Needs_More_Sex to-be, where do you want to go for honeymoon?”. The next thing I know is that she’s pushing my back to the elevator and kissing me hard. And then all that pent-up hooha energy came back to me and I kiss her back even more aggressively. Our hands start going all over each other’s body like we're sex-crazed teenagers. The elevator stops at our floor and I try picking her up so we can continue this inside.
Immediately, she says no and puts my hand inside her jeans. I have never felt her get so wet. I flip her around so that her ass touches my crotch and I start fingering her. I will never forget the feeling of her grinding against me, while my fingers are going to town on her in an elevator where anyone could see us.
I then sense that she’s close to orgasm and pinch one of her nipples. That drives her over the edge and she mumbles something before I could feel her start orgasming.
I realise that her whole body is shaking. For a split second, I think she’s having one of those really strong orgasms that I had only heard of. And then I see her lose balance and start falling. I catch her hand so she doesn’t hit the floor but she doesn’t stop shaking. I’m now in shock and panic and think she’s having a seizure. My brain freezes for a moment because it takes time for the blood to travel up so I can think.
I then pick her up, run to our apartment, open the lock and put her on the sofa. As I start running towards the phone, she asks for water. I am now extremely confused but get some water before starting to dial someone for help. She asks me not to, while I stand there in shock. I am now sweating and my heart is beating a million beats per second. She then gets better after a few minutes and tells me that she’s not been feeling well and hadn’t had anything to eat and passed out from exhaustion. I want to take her to a hospital but she says she’s too tired and I can take her in the morning.
I am still awake and can’t sleep due to this insane turn of events.
TL:DR: Gave my fiancee an orgasm so strong, she passed out from it’s awesomeness.
jar3dp: I call bullshit. No one that can bring a woman to orgasm uses the word "hooha" to discuss their genitals.
DatGuy15: He's obviously doing something right since they're getting married.
VIOLENT_COCKRAPE: No man. He's at the end of the rope. The end of the plank. The end of his libido. He's done for. Done-derkins. Dunzo Washington. He's fucked in half drunk, getting pounded in the ass while someone screams the name Cockhammer Rambunctious in his ear and slams his face into the pavement repeatedly. He. Is. Fucked.
DatGuy15: W-what?
VIOLENT_COCKRAPE: NO MAN. HE'S AT THE END OF THE ROPE. THE END OF THE PLANK. THE END OF HIS LIBIDO. HE'S DONE FOR. DONE-DERKINS. DUNZO WASHINGTON. HE'S FUCKED IN HALF DRUNK, GETTING POUNDED IN THE ASS WHILE SOMEONE SCREAMS THE NAME COCKHAMMER RAMBUNCTIOUS IN HIS EAR AND SLAMS HIS FACE INTO THE PAVEMENT REPEATEDLY. HE. IS. FUCKED.
World_Needs_More_Sex: ummmmm... good pep talk sir! Oh wait..
| 7 | 7.285714 | |
1410191100 | 1410198246 | t3_2ftdkt | t5_2to41 | 52 | nombre_kj: TIFU Talking to the wrong girl in another language
So I live in a pretty small beach town in Costa Rica. +/- 1,200 residents and population doubles on the weekends with tourists. I've been living here about three months and have gotten a pretty good grasp of Spanish.
Last night I was out at the bar, there are two major ones in town, and I was with some friends doing what we always do, having some drinks and talking to the ladies. There was one particularly gorgeous girl there I had never seen before. I was sitting at the bar, talking to the bartender about the surf today when Ms. Beautiful sits down next to me. She introduces herself in Spanish and we get to talking, as best I can. She seems amused with my attempts at Spanish and never stops smiling or breaks eye contact. I think things are going great. One way or another, the topic shifts to something about the weather. I comment on how hot it was today. She laughs when I say 'estoy muy caliente' She then excuses herself to the bathroom and I turn back to my beer. No more than 30 seconds later, I'm lifted off the bar stool by my neck and being dragged outside. I'm thrown down the stairs and into the street in front of about 50 people. I turn around to the see the 300 lb bouncer coming at me screaming at me in Spanish. In my haze, I don't understand a word. One of the onlookers outside helps me up and keeps the bouncer from continuing to pummel me. They exchange a few words in Spanish and I walk away. The kind stranger informs me that while I was describing the weather as hot, I inadvertently told the owners wife that I was horny.
TL;DR Told the bar owners wife I was horny in my second language and now I can't go back to only decent bar in town.
[deleted]: I imagine if you explain you're not a native speaker, he'd write it off as you being a dumb gringo and let it go. It's an incredibly easy mistake to make,and frankly, if she could tell you weren't a native speaker, she shouldn't have freaked out and assumed you meant you were horny
lespaulstrat: She didn't this is just another made up variation of the same tale that gets told over and over with minor variations. They always forget the part that you mentioned. Besides "estoy muy caliente" means I am very hot.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1410196843 | 1410206511 | t3_2fto42 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my ex-girlfriend.
A little backstory, I broke up with my girlfriend about a month and a half ago. We had that "known each other for a long time" relationship and we were super comfortable with each other. We did everything together and it got to the point where we were over-comfortable. It's like what kids are to their parents, they are so comfortable they don't give a shit to respect them. I'm not saying she had to respect me like a king, but I am saying we fought about pretty much everything (one of which being my Kate Upton desktop background). Of course a girlfriend who's more maternal than spouse-worthy isn't desirable - unless you're into incest or something weird - so we broke up.
Fast forward to now. A month apart and she still admits to not being over me. She's been hanging out with other guys but whenever we talk she defaults to the "it's nothing like kissing you" or whatever she thought I was good at. Anyways the desperate and horny me wanted sex. The normal jack-off maintenance wasn't doing it for me, so I decided to invite her over before class started (around 9:30). I woke up around 8, got dressed, and picked her up. After some talking things started getting spicey. It was normal sex, me on top of her. Nothing seemed unusual. Nothing. That changed when she flipped over for doggy. So I'm doggin this chick, and I look down, as every self respecting man would, at her butthole. Wrong choice. To my surprise - and disgust - she had a nice bevel of shit lining her asshole. This was wet too, almost like she deliberately left it there. A spec of shit was already on my dick and with every thrust I was pushing the shit back into her muff. I promptly told her to get on top, hoping the shit would stay where it was. After the deed was done I pulled out, expecting the worst.
Brown. The condom was brown. She saw and insisted that her period was due and that it was just blood, still nasty but not as much. I went into the bathroom and got a rag and pulled the condom off. Shit covered the area around my dick. Little poop crumbs were caught in my pubes. The rag slowly faded brown with each wipe. As disgusted as I was I l wasn't going to point her out for it. I drove her back to class where I am now.
Dopeaz: Meh, do it in the pooper enough and you'll get hard at the smell of brown fuckpaste.
_marshmellon_: why
Dopeaz: [Feels good, man.](http://i.imgur.com/fYzTE0q.jpg)
_marshmellon_: you sicko
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1410187084 | 1410204549 | t3_2ft6oq | t5_2to41 | 28 | Mazer_I_Am: Tifu by taking a shower.
I have been away from home on a long business trip. After staying in a hotel for nigh 3 weeks, I was glad to get back home. So I could use my desktop, play some vidja and importantly take a proper shower. While the hotel shower was fine and all I left my luffa behind [\[this kind\]](http://i01.i.aliimg.com/photo/v0/622212697/Organza_Shower_Ball_Mesh_body_sponge.jpg). A shower with a well soaped one of these bad boys is like cleaning your body with liquid sex. Needless to say after 3 weeks and no luffa I was fiending something serious.
The first day back I worked up a good sweat by working on my wife's car so when bath time came around I felt like a guy from /r/nofap with 2tb of porn and a gallon of lube. I almost ran to the bathroom. As I was picking the luffa up I noticed a few pieces of dust coming off of it. No biggie, it had been sitting for almost a month. I took my glasses off and hopped in the shower. I shook the dust off lathered it up and went to FUCKING TOWN. Just feeling the suds across my body was ecstasy. I had a bit of car grime on my face so I scrubbed extra hard. It was like Scarlett Johanson had liquid queefed in my face. Pure bliss. I toweled off put the luffa back, picked up my glasses and left out.
The next day I again had car stuff to do (damn VW's) so I again was covered in filth and grime. Even before I was halfway through I started thinking about my luffa. I couldn't wait to feel its gentle touch across my body. Its sudsy euphoria spreading across me me. It again was going to do down.
Shower time rolls around. I got the water going, nice and hot. I was out of gel soap so this time I was force to use regular soap. This was disappointing but ok. Its was like finding out the two japanese twins you are about to have a threesome with have A cups instead of C's. You can live with it ya know?
I step into the shower with my glasses on this time as my plan was to wash my face last. Plus who doesn't like to see their dick while they clean it? I picked up my luffa and start lathering it up. I quickly noticed the hard soap required more work to get a good lather going. So I started to work it, really grind it in there. As I was doing so I noticed a bit more of the debris from the prior day. I looked closer and I started to notice this was too big to be dust. I shook it hard and brown pieces start flaking out of it like a person with a sunburn.
Feeling rather confused I kept inspecting it in the shower wondering what these weird brown debris could be and that is when I see it.
See the prior day when I hopped in the shower the first time, I had my glasses off and a luffa full of suds. What I could not see was embedded in the fibers of my beloved luffa was a small roach that had gotten stuck and died. The "dust" I saw was the roach's body being shredded as I scraped it across my body.
This...this was bad, it was liking finding out the two A cup twins also had dicks too. I ran naked to the trash in the kitchen and tossed the thing, and proceeded to scrub myself raw with the bare soap mourning the loss of my dear luffa.
Tl:Dr: went ass to mouth with a cockroach
pigsg0rawr: I read the entire post thinking the dust was baby spiders.
Mazer_I_Am: If it would have been baby spiders my screams would have made the bloop look like a quite whisper.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1410200346 | 1410202718 | t3_2fturd | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU with an at-home bikini waxing kit
(Technically, yesterday I fucked up.)
I've never tried waxing, because I know how much it hurts to rip things like athletic tape off of skin. I've been intrigued and on the fence about trying it for some time because of an impending trip to Costa Rica we were planning.
Then a friend of mine recommended her favorite waxing kit that magically "didn't hurt at all!" So I spend money on this thinking it'll be great, and I can give it a test-run before leaving the country.
Didn't know I have a Lidocaine allergy so, while it definitely wasn't as painful to actually wax as I was expecting, now my junk is half-waxed, and covered in itchy-ouchy red swollen hives. So much for pool day.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Shouldn't be more than another day or so and it'll clear up. Although if it seeped into your newly irritated pores it may take a little longer...You can always play it off by getting some of those booty shorts swim suit bottoms.
*Besides, the men won't give a shit, I promise you.*
carbonarbonoxide: Lol, that's what I'm mostly worried about. "Oh baby, I promise this rash isn't contagious!"
BigBobsBootyBarn: *I'm fine, all the tests came back positive! ....wait where are you going?*
You'll be fine. Have a blast, drink a rita for me. Laugh off the STD-like symptoms. :P
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410202753 | 1410210148 | t3_2ftzha | t5_2to41 | 4 | TouchyJoFeely: TIFU By making it to second base... (semi NSFW)
So today started like any other day.. Woke up, had my coffee, ate a little breakfast and decided to mow the lawn.. I've been living with my new roommate for about a month now and had never used the lawnmower he own's before. It's one of the "Lazy bastard" models with a smaller handlebar below the main one that you squeeze and it operates the front wheels and propels itself forward. About halfway through mowing, I notice the clippings are beginning to make it difficult for the wheels to gain traction. So rather than utilize my awesome manly strength, I thought it would be easier to just squeeze the handle harder.. I grip the handle as hard as I can, only to realize too late that the tip of my meatstick protruded far enough into the handle that it was crushed, like the jaws of an Alligator, clamping down on an unsuspecting fish.. And it gets worse.. As I'm half crying/half laughing at my stupidity, my neighbor wanders out to find out what all the commotion is. Only to find me laugh/crying, rolling on my half mowed lawn, cupping my genitals.. He gives me an odd look, turns tail and walks briskly back inside.. I assume I will not be invited to join the Neighboorhood Watch and I'll bet I'm being added to a list somewhere..
TL:DR Stuck my dick in a lawnmower, neighbor thinks I'm a sexual deviant
jlet: Last I checked, second base was feeling up some boobies...
TouchyJoFeely: Second base is using hands or extremities to touch genitals. So technically, my lawnmower got Touchy with me.. relevant username
Special_McSpecialton: I thought that was third, and that boobies was second...
| 4 | 1 | |
1410201045 | 1410292670 | t3_2ftw5w | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by not plugging it in
At some point in the past, I got a new wifi router. Around that time I realised my xbox could no longer connect to the internet. I didn't really get why and passed it off as the credit card for gold expiring or something, but I didn't mind since I didn't play it that much anyway.
Sometimes it was annoying because I couldn't play battlefront or anything but I just kept forgetting about it.
Then today I realised the ethernet cable was never plugged in to the xbox. After 2 years.
TIFU by forgetting to plug in my xbox for 2 years.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Wait, how could you have XBOX Gold if you never plugged in your ethernet cable to begin with? And yes, I realize that XBOX 360s have wireless access, but then that would completely negate the fact he said he left his ethernet cable unplugged as that wouldn't matter
Eat_The_Muffin: I had it plugged in and then I changed router
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410204832 | 1410205980 | t3_2fu3fo | t5_2to41 | 26 | nehcylime: TIFU by putting on pants
This actually happened to my boyfriend but he was too embarrassed to put it on reddit, so I'm doing it for him :3.
So he has to wake up at 6am for his internship and he was really tired when he was putting on his clothes in the morning. He ends up pulling up his zipper super fast and his balls get caught on the zipper. He ended up with a nasty cut on his ballsack. And worse yet when he was working, his sweat dripped down to his ballsack and started stinging the cut.
So this is just a friendly reminder to always be careful when zipping up your fly :) .
PMyoBEAVERandHOOTERS: How'd you get the beans above the frank?!
nehcylime: I'm confused by this o.o
Beans= ballsack?
Frank=penis?
lol...
PMyoBEAVERandHOOTERS: [Droppin' some context](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzRuKnb2uuY)
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1410205678 | 1410209913 | t3_2fu519 | t5_2to41 | 11 | flamingfaps: TIFU By fapping after eating a 7 Pot Jonah
Throwaway for obvious reasons. So my fuck up happened about 30 minutes ago. My friend came over to try a piece of a pepper I was growing: the 7 Pot Jonah. It is rated at several thousand SHU over the Ghost chili for comparison. Anyway, my friend and I ate chunks the size of a grain of rice, and I did the cutting. Spicy as hell, don't recommend these for the faint of heart.
After eating the pepper, I washed my hands with hot water and soap. I did this about 4 times, fairly confident that I cleaned them thoroughly. Mistake number one. After he left and the heat wore down, I proceeded with my daily afterschool fapping session. Mistake number two. Now, when I fap, I lick my hand and rub my dick for extra pleasure. Mistake number three. About 2 minutes in, my dick starts to tingle. Nothing much, actually felt kinda good. So I continued warming up the altar boy's dinner. 5 minutes in, I'm really starting to feel the heat. It is spreading around my foreskin and into my urethra. Fuck. I continue anyway, finishing up about 7 minutes in. Dear god, the pain was unbearable. I felt like my man meat had been cut up and set aflame, then put out with rubbing alcohol.
The pain lasted for another 20 minutes before steadily decreasing. I still feel it, but it isn't so bad now. I have to go to work with a smoldering dick though, which is gonna suck. Anyway, moral of this story is wait at least a few hours after eating something spicy before rubbing one out.
*Update: After my shift, my thumb is burning like hell under the nail and my whole right hand is burning a good bit. Definitely wearing gloves next time...
largerthanaverage: You washed your hands, then spit on them with the pepper juices from your mouth. I think moral of the story would be use lube, not spit when eating peppers
BigBobsBootyBarn: It's not just that. A ghost pepper (bhut jolokia) is about 1,100,000 (yes 1.1 million) scoville units. A jalapeno is about 8,000 on the scale. An orange habanero is like 40,000. The oils were still on his hand as well, lube would've been just as bad. That shit does not come off with hand washing, it takes hours upon hours and a good two dozen rinses.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410205092 | 1410286185 | t3_2fu3y1 | t5_2to41 | 80 | PM_UR_TIT: TIFU By accidentally instigating a fight between a special needs kid and my teacher
School recently started and I've been taking a foods class. My class was pretty small and there was only about 6 kids. We go into groups when we cook and I voluntarily paired with a special needs kid. So we're cooking and we run out of flour, I asked the kid to go get some flour from the teachers kitchen and she goes only to tell me that the teacher didn't have it with her. I went to go ask the teacher for the flour, and he told me that I shouldn't send the kid to get the flour because he was clumsy and would spill it everywhere. The kid asked were I got it from and for some reason I told the kid what happened. He FREAKED. He started crying and sobbing, and making a fuss. I tried to calm him down by saying don't listen to the teacher, he doesn't know what he's talking about and the kid suddenly goes calm. He's like, " Berrijuice you're totally right, I need to show him whats up!" Before I could say anything he ran up to the teacher and threw flour all over him. The teacher staggered and coughed and then got tackled by the kid. They're rolling all over the ground and some kids called for help some teachers arrived to the seen and pulled the kid off, but he was screaming rubbish saying "Berrijuice told me to do it!"
I was given some pretty dirty looks after that
TL;DR Special needs kid misheard me, fights teacher. Lots of flour
MantisTobogganMDPhD: So.. is the special needs kid a male of female?
"and ***she*** goes only to tell me"
"***He*** FREAKED."
Either you're awful at proofreading, or you made the whole thing up. Which is it, OP?
d20homebrewer: What if he wanted to keep this kid in the story gender neutral...do you REALLY need to know the gender?
MantisTobogganMDPhD: Yes. It's very important...
...No not really, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't intentional. I think OP's just a bad liar.
Volatilize: Stating the gender of the involved parties certainly adds context. But if it was supposed to be neutral, why use one and then switch? We already know it was one kid so you could just say 'they used tactical pocket sand' or 'they' were mentally challenged. For the sake of coherence.
MantisTobogganMDPhD: Exactly.
| 6 | 13.333333 | |
1410206265 | 1410206629 | t3_2fu65z | t5_2to41 | 22 | nowimblushing: TIFU by sending a female co-worker very graphic porn.
I'm a late-20's male working at an ad agency. We don't have web content filters at my job, and everyone gchats all day because it's easier than calling each other or constantly walking around the office. Anyway, I was reading a non-porn yet NSFW subreddit discussion, but someone linked to a very, VERY NSFW video that piqued my interest. I copied the link and pasted it into an email to my non-work account for home viewing pleasure.
About a half hour later, my very attractive co-worker, who I am friendly with but not exactly BFF's with, asked me for some copy. People do this all the time, and I quick open a document, highlight the requested info, copy it and paste it right into the chat. I do it about 20 times a day without even thinking.
Except this time, I must not have actually hit Copy, because when I pasted and immediately hit Send, it was the very NSFW link I copied a half hour prior. I saw it as soon as I sent it, turned bright red, and IMMEDIATELY followed with DISREGARD and SORRY WRONG LINK and PLEASE DO NOT CLICK but quite frankly the cat was out of the bag.
Obviously I'm mortified, not to mention concerned about my employment status. I saw my co-worker a few minutes later and when I made eye contact she just said "thanks" and kept walking. So maybe she didn't click the link, or did and realized it was a mistake, or something. But it's an hour later and my palms are still sweating.
Griffin72: If nothing else, she won't think you're boring.
nowimblushing: She'll just think I'm creepy.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1410206638 | 1410284796 | t3_2fu6uf | t5_2to41 | 52 | FertileLionfish: TIFU by holding a fart in too long
So this happened just a few minutes ago and I'm able to write this out before class starts.
I'm currently in college and halfway through my schedule I have a three hour long break where I usually chill in the library and try to study/do homework and instead sit on reddit. Well today was different. Halfway through my three hour long break I start to feel a fart come on and since I'm in a room with a ton of people I decide to just hold it and wait till I get to the IT building where my next class is. The problem is it keeps building. I keep getting the rumblies and just clench my iron cheeks together as hard as possible to not let any leakage occur.
Thirty minutes before my next class I decide to leave so I can get to the IT building before people start to leave class and snag the bathroom while it's empty. So I head to the third floor(top) and somehow manage to make it to the bathroom and this huge nerdy dude is just standing there washing his hands. I head to the urinal and just try to bide my time AND HE DOESNT LEAVE! So I just say screw it and head to the stall. I immediately drop my pants and instantly a hailstorm of feces fly into the toilet and the sound could only be described as somebody throwing paint onto a wall and the deepest sound of an elephant yelling. The smell I don't want to talk about, it was awful.
Instantly the kid turns and looks directly at my stall and says "WTF!?" and finally runs out of the bathroom. I finally finish up and feeling 10 times better make it to class.
TLDR: held in a fart WAY longer than I should've and ruined some nerdy kid's life forever by listened to me explode a toilet.
rowdy_flamingos: Hail Southern?
FertileLionfish: How do you know this?!
rowdy_flamingos: Your previous comments gave it away and I'm an IT major
FertileLionfish: Being a computer science major I wish I knew to how do all of these wonderful IT magics but soon.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1410205416 | 1410373337 | t3_2fu4ka | t5_2to41 | 10 | LadyInRedIt: TIFU: By taking a piss in my Boyfriends Mother's Oven and then trying to piss in her Reading Chair
Okay- This is a little long but worth it so bare with me. This is not a recent story (a little over two years) but the Saga is forever continuing when I'm involved in Black-Out drinking...
A little background: I am 25 now, have been with my SO for almost 5 years. He's a musician so we go to shows and party maybe a little more than we'd like to admit but fuck it, we're awesome, right? Now, I come from an extremely long line of black-out drunk sleepwalkers. My dad, particularly is known for pissing in hampers after a night of Whiskey. So, I get it honestly, I guess you could say.
My fuck-ups actually started for the first time on St. Patrick's day 2007 when I was 17. I mistakenly awoke in the middle of the night, proceeded to make a wrong turn in a friends apartment, opened her refrigerator, pulled out the crisper drawer, squatted and pissed right the fuck in the fridge like it was nothing. I then stood up, pulled my pants up, closed the door, and attempted to flush... the refrigerator. I often joked about "pics or it didn't happen!" because honestly, what group of late teens sees their friend piss in a fridge and no one takes pictures, amirite?! Right.
I digress. Cut to: about 3 1/2 or 4 years later, I am now with my boyfriend for about a year, I've had little to no piss problems (that are worth mentioning), and it's 2 days before Thanksgiving. My bf and I had been out having drinks with my Parents at a bar down the street and after copious amounts of Jäger and Budweiser, it's time to go home. I remember leaving and getting into bed and after that: nothing until morning. I wake up and roll over to love on my bf and he wakes up half fucking mad and half fucking laughing as he recalls the night before. Apparently after we got home that night, I got up out of bed to use the restroom. Bf saw me go right rather than left (left to the bathroom, right to the...KITCHEN). He lays in bed for a while (knowing almost nothing about my urination past) before he decides it's probably best to check on me. As he gets to the kitchen, he sees me, oven door open, sitting ON the door (I'm not obese but I'm definitely not petite), just pissing away. He stops, begins to yell at me very confusedly, I stand up and have the nerve to yell back, storm to the bedroom, and slam the door. Poor BF in a fit of rage probably wondering where the fuck he found such a disgraceful human and already being on the brink of vomiting, starts cleaning the oven, slams the door shut spraying all of the pee-soaked kitchen rags hanging on the oven door ALL over his body, face, and in his MOUTH. Therefore, without choice, forcing him to vomit all over the counter... Which he now ALSO has to clean up. Upon hearing this story the next morning, I'm mortified but I have a sense of humor and thankfully, so does BF and thus, it became a fan favorite story among all of our friends. I beg my boyfriend to NEVER tell his Mother what went down that night but I should have known better. Months down the line, he spills the beans and BY THE GRACE OF GOD, she too, is a wonderful woman with a great sense of humor who thought the piss/vomit story all over her kitchen 48 hours prior to Thanksgiving Dinner was as hilarious as everyone else did (it also doesn't hurt that BF is a very funny and animated story teller).
All is well.
2 years later, we go out for my 23rd birthday. BF and his parents have now moved to a different house but same shit, different Black-Out story. I wake up at BF's house with a hangover from hell and I'm naked. This did not startle me in the slightest. What did startle me, however, was waking up on the wrong side of the bed, LITERALLY. BF and I are very choosey about our sleeping arrangements so this was extremely out of the ordinary and a huge red flag. I wake up BF and say "Babe, babe. I'm on the wrong side of the bed." He's like "We were just drunk, we probably fell asleep this way." But all day something is just not feeling right. Mid-way through the day we get a group text from BF's mom, we'll call her GJ. GJ's text reads "Puuuurty Girl (me) woke up last night and I found her naked in my Reading Chair trying to use the restroom. I got Puuuurty Girl safely to the bathroom and back in bed but please be on the lookout for other wet spots throughout the house :)" FUCKING MORTIFIED. MOR.TI.FIED. I could have just rolled over and died that very moment. TWICE. TWICE I have pissed (or attempted to piss) on GJ's property and this time, SHE SAW ME NAKED... Which also means she saw MY NIPPLE RINGS. My boyfriends mother now knows I have Nipple Piercings. PERFECT. That's just fucking fabulous.
Thankfully, she was cool about it again but FUCK, dude! Like, what?!
Since then, I have had yet a THIRD instance of black out-induced stories involving my BF's family but the most recent wasn't that bad nor did it involve piss, so there's that.
Craigangus: I once peed all over some girl when I was in hospital...
camburgler: i peed all over my ex girlfriend once. we were having sex in the dark, pulled out because i thought i was about to bust but it just didnt stop. turned on the lights to find i pissed all over her and her bed.
Craigangus: At least you didn't piss inside her?
camburgler: very true. i dont even want to think how that would have ended up
| 5 | 2 | |
1410207559 | 1410209149 | t3_2fu8n4 | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by choking on water during anniversary dinner
This happened just a few months ago. My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 3 years together. He knew that I love jazz so to celebrate be booked a table at a fairly expensive jazz club for us, table right in the front of the stage. He'd planned to take me there the day before our anniversary and celebrate into our anniversary date so we could be with each other at midnight.
So we get in and a very very beautiful singer starts singing, she starts on a love song and looks at my boyfriend and starts singing to him. I'm sure it's a trick a lot of singers do. My boyfriend is a fairly shy guy, so as soon as she starts singing to him he got super embarrassed and had the most awkward look on his face. I found that absolutely hilarious and started laughing like crazy under my breath. I went to take a sip of my water while laughing and I think I inhaled a bit and started coughing like crazy. At that time midnight comes around my boyfriend looks over at me and says happy anniversary, I love you. While I'm choking and trying to catch my breath and manage to croak out a I love you too. So the romantic moment that he'd planned for us was pretty much wrecked because of me.
KRONOS_415: Pretty sure its not TIFU worthy. Enjoy your downvote.
Craigangus: Get lost with your nasty comment!
KRONOS_415: [Just saying you don't have it anywhere near as bad as other TIFU](http://i.imgur.com/6N2Fa.gif)
| 4 | 0 | |
1410198305 | 1410208392 | t3_2ftqu8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | joker231: TIFU by trying to break into my own apartment while heavily intoxicated.
So this happened about 2-3 months ago but I just finished up everything last week. I went to the bars one night with a couple friends and a girl I was interested in. My friend was going to drive us home in my car and I was going to sleep on his couch if I didn't end up getting with this girl. It came time to leave and both the girl and I didn't want to leave so we stayed. I gave the key for my car to my roommate which also had my apartment key on it.
Later in the night when we finally decided to leave, I got so drunk I split up from her and walked home. My phone was dead so I was unable to get in contact with her. I was so drunk and frustrated I just decided to walk home. Once I got home I realized I had no key to enter my apartment. The apartments I live in are 2 stories and there's a small overhang I could have gotten on to climb through my window. I walked over to my next door neighbors to grab a chair to hopefully climb up on the roof. At the time I had a broken middle finger on top of being heavily intoxicated so I could not climb the roof. A short time later a police car rolled up into my complex and I walked up to it saying "you are probably looking for me". After proving I indeed lived there the police asked if I wanted a ride to a friends house. They wanted to call and make sure they were up first though. Since my phone was dead and I don't have friends numbers memorized, they proceeded to tell me they would be taking me to jail.
For those of you who haven't been to jail, DON'T EVER GO. I was in the drunk tank with a couple of people but this Mexican man stood out to me who was there on his third DUI. He constantly kept asking me in broken English "why am I here I was only drinking tequila!" The jail was cold and there was no place to sleep. I ended up sleeping on the cement floor trying to ignore the people in the cell with me. After the deemed me sober, they left me in a waiting room which had maurey playing the entire time. They ended up releasing me without having to pay bail. As I was walking out I was trying to figure out how I was going to call someone to get me picked up. When I walked out a group of my friends were sitting in the waiting room for me. I almost burst into tears when I saw them.
So fast forward to last week. I had a court hearing and they required me to pay nothing and dismissed me without any charges. That was about the only good thing that happened. Jail was a terrible thing though. I hope to never go back there.
jlet: You weren't in Jail...you were in the drunk tank. Most of us spent some time in there during college...
joker231: Yeah, guess the fuck up was not taking my house key off the car keychain so i could have gotten in my house and avoided it all...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410207964 | 1410379398 | t3_2fu9em | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating
So my girlfriend was just recently put on the shot for birth control and one of the side effects is that she can have a prolonged period.
this particular one lasted 11 days. 11 hell raised days.
anyways, she had given me head for several days straight and i know she must be getting tired of it, so when we went to bed, i simply kissed her goodnight and cuddled until she fell asleep. i stayed awake and little did i know it would be a horrible idea.
i sneak off into the bathroom and rub one out, and i promptly go back to sleep.
so my lady wakes up in the morning and can't find her phone, half asleep, i tell her to use mine and call it.
She gets my phone and unlocks it and all i hear is the loud moan of sasha grey. She gives the most horrified look i have ever seen. i guess i forgot to close out of my browser. i just hit the top button after i was done.
and of course she badgers me with questions and calls me a creep for watching it and touching myself in the bathroom.
N_Howl: You can still have sex with girls when they are on their period. I don't know if you were aware of that. Hth
jtkills: that doesn't really sound like an adventure i want to take, good sir.
N_Howl: Why not? You'll get a cool nick name, like Captain Redbeard!
| 4 | 1 | |
1410208959 | 1410210653 | t3_2fub9u | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by hugging people at a party and breaking my boob
This actually happened on Saturday, but the effects of that Saturday continue until today. I was at a party when I remembered a fun prank to play on people. You ask them for a hug, and when they're hugging you, stab them in the shoulder with your chin as hard as you can and they'll collapse. It's not as mean as it sounds, I promise, and most people collapse and start laughing afterwards. Someone must have hit me in the chest when they went down because after I came home from the party, I had a mild pain in my left breast. No biggie, I just bruised it, right? Wrong.
Basically, I broke my boob.
My left breast is swollen and hot and is turning all shades of red. It hurts to wear a bra and feels as though someone is stabbing me in the tit all the time. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to have my breast evaluated. My entire nipple is swollen and purple and there's a large mass beneath the skin. No one I know has ever had, or even knew of this injury.
So yeah, TL;DR? I broke my titty and it feels like it has booby fever.
Anonthius: Pics or it didnt happen
Bitch_Karma: Do your homework before posting. Pics of a 15 year old are not what you want.
FreddyMercurysGhost: Wait, did you actually stalk my account to find my age?
gnarledout: What you don't do that? And this isn't facebook. You're on reddit. Your account is open to everyone. There's no "stalking."
Edit: Thank you very much.
PM_ME_CLOTHED_GIRLS: Oh yeah. Be more careful which personal info you share on here... *gnarledout*.
I bet you're wondering how I found out your username. Just a bit of good old fashioned stalking, that's how.
gnarledout: http://imgur.com/9oKoRCS
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1410211115 | 1410260353 | t3_2fufba | t5_2to41 | 255 | Just-me123: TIFU by having butt sex.
Sorry in advance for the wall of text.
The wife and I were partaking in little post snooze hanky panky this morning, as you do. I decided I was a little too sensitive so I got a little kinky.
I placed a sleep mask over her eyes and prepared her nice big floppy dildo for service.
After some time things got a little heated and I thought I'd try to get a little dp going. This is big for me as we've done anal maybe three times in our five year long relationship. It's just not something she's into.
To my great surprise she didn't stop me and we started going to town. After much fun she told me to cum inside, so obviously I obliged.
You may think this is a TIW, however as it was unplanned anal I wasn't wearing a condom...
After cleaning up an what not we mooched about in our pjs (hers being my t-shirt and some undies) and play The Sims 4. A while later she came over and perched on the edge of the sofa with me to chat, snuggle and annoy me. As part of her evil plan she decided to fart.
This of course left the heady aroma of old cum and farts. She ran to the loo giggling and left me to revel in her gift.
After about five minutes I realised the smell was still oddly strong so I stood up to ask the wife if she could smell it too.
Upon standing I noticed a lovely cold, slimy and smelly goo spreading between my toes. I stood in shock for a good ten seconds before being woken from my stupor by my wife entering the room. She put two and two together and broke into gales of laughter.
I immediately went to the bathroom to scrub my toes. Upon walking back into the lounge I see my wife still giggling manically at my expense.
TL/DR: butt sex - cum fart - bad smell - cum toes - sad
mootbeat: The Good ol' KFC Mashed potato & Gravy Toes
dildony_a: I'm going to vomit.
EroKintama: Second that......
| 4 | 63.75 | |
1410212018 | 1410214612 | t3_2fuh0h | t5_2to41 | 2 | ray_rice: TIFU by beating my girlfriend.
So a few months ago, I was at a hotel in Atlantic City. We were at this party and she started getting real uppity so I decided that it was best to just leave. This bitch wouldn't shut the fuck up the entire time we were walking to the elevator. So i tried to keep my cool, but you know how bitches are. Then the bitch attacks me like a wild hyena so i decide to lay down the law and I end up knocking the bitch out cold. It was all in self defense man and now she forced me to marry her and she has me by the balls. And today, my boss just saw the video of me in the elevator and I got fucking fired. Now i got no job. What the fuck am i gonna do? This bitch is gonna get all my shieeett now.
basketball161: That's sucks Ray
ray_rice: thanks for the support man it means alot.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410212054 | 1410229756 | t3_2fuh3h | t5_2to41 | 15 | TenebrasNoctem: TIFU by accidentally saying no to a threesome.
This tifu didn't actually happen today but quite a few years ago.
The night started when my girlfriend and I decided to get high. She invited her two friends so we would have more company and more fun all together. We hot high as soon as we all met and as the night progressed, one of the friends left. It was only my girlfriend, her friend and I at that point.
We were still high and started talking about our sex lives when the friend openly told us she wouldn't mind watching us have sex with her in the room. At this point you have to remember that I was intoxicated and wasn't thinking as best as I usually would. So I asked her what she would be doing while my girlfriend and I had sex and she replied with "I'd find something to do" and I started wondering how weird would it be for her to watch us and play with her phone or whatever she would do. I asked my girlfriend what she thought of this situation and she said she wouldn't mind having her there. She then asked for my take on this and I responded saying that I would find it very strange. They quickly stopped talking after my response and I found it odd that they really seemed to dislike my answer but I didn't think too much of it and just enjoyed the rest of the night being high.
Needless to say, I missed on a golden opportunity and never got such an open invitation for a threesome.
PM_me_your_evilgrin: Most people are not, if they are honest with themselves, capable of being ok with their significant other having sex with another person. It (threesome) SOUNDS awesome, but a lot of the time one partner ends up unable to deal afterward.
SirD1rk: This is just wrong. Many happy couples indulge in this sort of thing, sometimes it can save marriages.
PM_me_your_evilgrin: I know that there are some, i'm not denying that, but the ones which are ok with it are probably more emotionally mature and self assured. I obviously can't put numbers on it but I still maintain that most people are not at that level and their insecurities will get the better of them.
Edit: a word. Silly tiny keypad....muttermutter...
SirD1rk: Fair point
| 5 | 3 | |
1410212420 | 1410293015 | t3_2fuhqz | t5_2to41 | 17 | cuntfucker123: TIFU by telling my mom i found my math teacher on a porn sight
TIFU: So this happened a few years ago but i will share it. One day i was home alone and just trying to jack it like all guys do. I go on to the home computer used by everyone in my house.(I just didn't want to use my phone) so I start to do my thing look up some videos exploring sights you know the usual. I come across a sight and start scrolling down when all the sudden I see a girl that looks like my math teacher.(She is a new teacher and fresh out of collage. I find her hot to so I am exited to find it and naturally want to tell people.) I pick up my phone from beside me and start to text a few of my close guy friends saying "bro i think i just found my math teacher on a porn sight" i am a bit lazy so i just copy and paste it to the text under, forgetting that my mom texted me, and without looking at the name i paste it and send it. As soon as i sen it i look up at the conversation and realize that was not my friend that i sent it to, but my mother. I start to freak out but first i send the text to my friend. In this freaking out i call several people including the two friends i sent the text to and my older brother asking for advice on what I should do. One friend doesn't not have a clue and the other just says to keep calm and appologize to her. When I call my brother he just starts to laugh on the phone. I take my friends advice and apologize to my mom multipule times. Then i just wait. She does not respond. When she comes home she is mad because "porn is degrading to women" and "it is wrong to watch it" we start an agrument about it but lets get into that later. after a week or so i go into where my brother works at a restraunt where he and his coworkers are close and the start to ask me about it. i dont really mind it actually is funny.
TIFU: by telling my mom i found my math teacher on a porn site
barryk013: Um just so you know, its 'site' not 'sight' haha
cuntfucker123: Thank you for that please exuse my horrible spelling.
The_rusty_sausage: *you're
Mr_Goop: I get it, but im not laughing
The_rusty_sausage: *You're
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1410203374 | 1410238550 | t3_2fu0oj | t5_2to41 | 6 | Not_Invited: TIFU by kissing a co-worker
Got very drunk on a work night out, my boyfriend left, so I was just drinking myself into oblivion. Next thing I realise is myself and a coworker being seperated by another coworker, asking what the fuck was going on. Then I cried a lot, almost pissed myself, and woke up knowing I'd fucked up.
Bradwan1990: Was this just an equal level coworker or was this like a boss? I need details of how bad of a fuck up with was.
Not_Invited: A little higher up than me. He's perm contract and I'm only a temp.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410213334 | 1410228903 | t3_2fujeo | t5_2to41 | 7 | -CassaNova-: TIFU by having a dirty room.
Yesterday was Sunday, I forgot that little tidbit and decided to go for a run to the bank to drop off my latest pay check. After 45 minutes I get there and its closed, no big deal I'll come back tomorrow. Get home after an hour drop my shorts with my check still in the pocket and jump in the shower. Fast forward to today, got home from work at noon and low and behold my rooms spotless, beds made, everything's dusted and all the clothes on the floor are gone. Even my shorts.
After a frantic search I come up with nothing, then my blood runs cold as I hear the sound. An intense beeping signalling the end of a cycle. Of what you may ask. The laundry. Inside of which are my running shorts, inside of which is my check, which has been completely turned into a ball of soggy wet mush. The likely hood of getting a replacement is slim to none as my boss hates me.
All of this ^ because my mom felt like I'd "never get a girlfriend if she say your room like this"
400$ literally washed away and any chance of getting destiny gone for another 2 weeks.
awaythrowtwo: youre dumb. of course your boss has to issue a replacement, you're protected by labor laws. grow a backbone, and stop relying on your mom to do your laundry. sorry son, lifes a bitch
barryk013: Exactly! Just because your boss hates you doesn't mean he can make you work for free.. And also, don't keep important things in stupid fucking places next time. Buy a small desk cabinet or something and put it all in there.
awaythrowtwo: bingo
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410213447 | 1410216498 | t3_2fujlk | t5_2to41 | 9 | networthinwallet: TIFU by spending all of my money.
Welp, I've pretty much reached the line between being 'debt free' and 'in the red'. The last few months have been a bit shitty, but more-so the last few weeks. Today i guess is like the start of a new beginning, a shitty one, but a new one. *Ahhh*... where should I start.
Well I guess I should state my debts. Im young, and I dont have '*too* much' debt, well I know there are certainly people in a worse position than I am, but anyways. I have a balance of about $800 on a Wells credit card. Around December, I ran into some mishaps with my automated payments, and ended up using my limit twice ($750 was the limit, I was charged $1500 in one month). I've been trying to pay this off since, but I'm a young student, I was making a couple hundred a week, and I need to live.
I also have $500 out in PayPal credit. Im trying to pay it monthly, but I can barely afford the minimum without struggling.
I owe $450 for my college classes. Im in a payment plan to pay $120somthing every month, but I cant afford that. I skipped class today to try to figure out the situation :(
And to top it all off, I lost my job 2 weeks ago. It wasnt much, but I had been there like 4 years, and it made ends meet, even if just barely. I've been looking for another job, but I havn't had any luck, other than my old boss saying he'd try to get me a spot when he comes back from vacaton.
This brings us to today. I had an emergency savings my parents set up for me when I was really young. There was around $6,000 in it. In a matter of 2 or 3 years, I managed to drain it. I called to wire $500 to my local bank account so I could pay for my college classes. I received a call from the bank saying the account only had $200 and some in it. This fucking broke me. I was speechless on the phone, before I muttered to the guy in a shakey ass voice 'oh, well okay man. Thanks for letting me know' and i hung up.
I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with this point. I have a little over a hundred bucks in my wallet, but a few hundred worth of bills due this month. I have a checkings/savings at 2 banks. One has a combined total of almost $20. The other is at -$35.
I just needed to vent guys. I needed to type this all out in front of me so I could truly see what I've done to myself. I need to face it now, and solve my problems. Wish me luck guys! Any kind words could really do something for my mood right now. I just feel so broken down. Im in a hell of a hole. I really fucked up reddit.
jeroentjo: Can someone explain this credit system to me? It seems logical for me but there are still a couple of things i dont get as a foreigner.
ILoveYou_Jenny: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Credit_(finance)
this explains at length :)
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Credit (finance)**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Credit%20(finance\)): [](#sfw)
---
>__Credit__ (from [Latin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latin) credere translation. "to believe") is the [trust](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_(social_sciences\)) which allows one party to provide [resources](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resources) to another party where that second party does not [reimburse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reimburse) the first party immediately (thereby generating a [debt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Debt)), but instead arranges either to repay or return those resources (or other materials of equal value) at a later date. The resources provided may be financial (e.g. granting a [loan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loan)), or they may consist of [goods or services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goods_and_services) (e.g. consumer credit). Credit encompasses any form of deferred payment. Credit is extended by a [creditor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creditor), also known as a [lender](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lender), to a [debtor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Debtor), also known as a [borrower](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borrower).
>====
>[**Image from article**](https://i.imgur.com/vpwOdhc.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:BilleteiNTER_II.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Finance ^Credit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finance_Credit) ^| [^Kostyantyn ^Zhevago](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kostyantyn_Zhevago) ^| [^Finance ^and ^Credit ^\(bank)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finance_and_Credit_\(bank\)) ^| [^Secretariat ^of ^Finance ^and ^Public ^Credit ^\(Mexico)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretariat_of_Finance_and_Public_Credit_\(Mexico\))
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| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410214478 | 1410266034 | t3_2fuldi | t5_2to41 | 4,485 | tifuteacher: TIFU by asking my class how their weekend was
I still feel like a huge jerk
I'm 34 years old and I teach Grade 10/11 History. School here started last week and obviously the first weekend just finished. I was in last period with my Grade 10 advanced class, and I asked them how their first weekend of the new school year was. No one raised their hand so I randomly chose a boy in the back of the class. "It was awful" he replied. I decided to say in a joking voice "Well anything is better than being at school, right?" He went silent for a few seconds and said in a low voice, "Well, my dog passed away on saturday and my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, but I guess that's better than school, right?" The room went dead silent, and I had to leave the room for a few minutes.
Dammit
northernberry: Ohohoho that sucks. I mean but on a serious note, it wasn't even your fault or anything.. How were you supposed to know this kid had the shittiest weekend in the world?
Possummz: Exactly. All the kid had to do was simply say, "It's uncomfortable, don't want to talk about it", something to get the message through. Of course, I respect his situation, but this way he made OP look like a complete jerk, for trying to be nice.
KoboldCoterie: To play devil's advocate, the kid was probably in a pretty rough emotional state, and was probably at least a little offended or put off by the comment. Not saying the comment was inappropriate (OP had no way to know) and the kid could have handled it better, but given the circumstance, I don't really think he can be faulted for it. If he'd said "It's uncomfortable, I don't want to talk about it," all of his classmates would likely either have assumed it was something embarrassing and poked fun at him later for it, or asked him about it later. By handling it this way, he made sure everyone knew in a way that may have even gotten him some "cool points" with his friends because he embarrassed a teacher in the process, and in this case, I think having his friends' support or at least understanding of the situation is probably more important to him than being nice to a teacher.
MandaloreUnchained: All the fly young people trynna get them cool points
GringusMcDoobster: I love me some CP yo.
Vexing: Who doesn't love some CP to brighten your day? When you're in a rut, getting some CP always makes me feel better.
Johanson69: I love going to bed after having consumed a hot and salty CP (we're talking cheese pizza, right?)
edit: since some people apparently didn't realize it: /s
Alphax45: CP can also be child porn which makes your comments terrible :D
RenaKunisaki: Whoosh.
Johanson69: Damn, not writing an /s really makes some people miss it.
hi-BoB: How does putting /s at the end of the sentence make people miss a pun?
Or is this a new in-joke I missed?
Johanson69: **Not** putting it there made people miss my joke apprently.
| 13 | 345 | |
1410214654 | 1410215701 | t3_2fulor | t5_2to41 | 6 | Viperdream: TIFU by telling my most embarrassing moment this holiday on national radio
This fuck up only came out today, so it kind of counts.
So I'll have to start at the beginning:
This vacation I was into a girl and even though we didn't get a relationship. So we went more like the best friends forever route (even though I'm still chasing her).
Thus, one night we get drunk and hands start to go places where they shouldn't and I won't have to describe it too much as most people here will know what happened.
Days afterwards we felt embarrassed about what happened and it did bring her trust level to lower levels and our friend relationship cooled down a lot.
Then 2 days ago, I went to a festival and whilst walking around some radio broadcasters asked me and my friends our most embarrassing story from this holiday. The drunk me thought it was a great idea to mention this because I thought no one would ever find out that it was me saying that anyway.
Today I logged into my Facebook account and guess what popped up on my page?
A full length article including a section for me (with my face) mentioning the story.
Girl read it and now our friendship (and probably any hope for something more) is pretty much obliterated.
GattsUnfinished: Er... did she start to distrust you just because you two had sex while being drunk?
Anyway, if your relationship resented on her side because of what happened, I'd say she has no interest in you whatsoever, so you can stop chasing her.
Viperdream: Yeah pretty much, and I'm planning to.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410214882 | 1410295058 | t3_2fum4n | t5_2to41 | 13 | le_wild_troll: TIFU by eating too much carnitas.
This happened less than 4 hours ago. And advanced apology for any grammar mistakes as I am typing from my phone.
So today after school, I went to get a sports physical and all day I was holding gas in from the carnitas I had eaten yesterday.
The doctor was a lady in maybe her 50's and she had brought with her an intern to teach her how to do a usual check up. So far so good until it came to the usual hernia check up. I slip down my pants and she puts her hands on me and tells me to cough. I wasn't thinking of what could've happened at the moment so I used force to cough and that's when I let out a nice loud fart.
I know the intern heard me because she started laughing immediately. As for the doctor, I'm not sure if she heard it because I saw no suprised reaction.
TL, DR: FARTED CARNITAS ON A DOCTOR'S FACE.
[deleted]: It wouldn't have been professional for your doctor to laugh at you, she was probably trying to be nice. But thanks for the laugh... I laughed probably as much as the intern did from just reading this!
le_wild_troll: I don't think I would've seen it like she was laughing at me. But I see what you mean
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410213110 | 1410215848 | t3_2fuj06 | t5_2to41 | 17 | falconpunch1995: TIFU by buying a college textbook.
[Light] Well I bought a Psychology textbook that was like 100 dollars the other day. Found it online after the fact and can't return it now. Feel like a giant dunce and feel pretty guilty because my grandparents bought it for me. Sorry grandma and grandpa for being a goon.
barryk013: Why would you go online to find the book AFTER you bought it? Sensible thing would be before..
falconpunch1995: Yes exactly that is why I am dumb.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1410215287 | 1410260731 | t3_2fumuz | t5_2to41 | 51 | uploadking: TIFU by telling my girlfriend to get off my back.
So, my girlfriend and I are both 17 and we were at an Ingles today. Now, before I go any further its important to know that my girlfriend has the biggest fear of turning into an old couple that always argues; anyways we were looking at cereal when she kept complaining because I was "picking the wrong type". Well, I was getting frustrated so I jokingly said "Nag, nag, nag, that's all you do, you're just a stupid nagger. " Bad choice. Right as the last word left my mouth, behind me I heard in the deepest voice, "the fuck did you just say?" My heart dropped; I turned around to see this Terry Crews sized black guy standing there and I was horrified. I did my best to explain what I actually said but he was not having it. My girlfriend and I just bailed.
PKMNFireRed: I imagine after the fact, the guy sat back down and enjoyed the rest of his meal, left the waiter/waitress a tip and politely excused himself from the table. Exited the restaurant and tipped his hat. Walked over to his car and then drove away. Like nothing ever happened.....
Dynamar: 2 things wrong with this, neither of which you may be aware of.
1. Ingles is a grocery store and 2. They have a strict no tipping policy because they unload your cart, check you out, bag your shit, load your cart, then take it out to your car for you and load your car, all as part of the normal experience.
It's pretty impressive service actually; even though I would feel like a giant bag of dicks if I were to actually let them take it to my car and load it.
I actually end up helping them bag if the cashier is by themselves.
minimur12: In England, we pack all of our own stuff, sounds like such a luxury lol, but there's this one shop, Lidl, and they're so annoying. The little overflow bit where the food goes, but its like they've been told if you don't scan it fast enough , you're fired. So all this food comes flying through onto the small overflow, and you gotta bag it as quick as possible.
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1410215952 | 1410217126 | t3_2fuo2s | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking back over my shoulder just in time to see the gyno with a disgusted look on her face while i was bent over the exam table, pulling my ass cheeks apart, showing her the sore near my asshole.
maybe i should have shaved my asshole before going
:(
barryk013: Oh God... Was it at least clean? Or did u have shit hairs?
FlatlinerG: Dingleberries
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410216346 | 1410303346 | t3_2fuoqt | t5_2to41 | 42 | stlknowswhy: TIFU Before my job interview
I woke up with great expectations! I sang in the shower excited to be having the opportunity to be employed again. I got out of the shower and grabbed a fresh Bic razor! Great deal of a 10 pack for $2! One stroke of the razor and my face started pouring! [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/hbA1Xg8)
I thought it was a nick, but no! I basically sliced my face like a piece of cheese. It kept bleeding. my interview was in 30 minutes and I tried my best to stop the bleeding. [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/rthAych)
Finally after 20 minutes the bleeding was starting to slow. I proceeded to drive to the interview. Half way there it started again! I had to stop by the walgreens bleeding all over my dress shirt and tie to buy band aids. I felt the interview went good, on the way out, I noticed my fly was unzippeD... FUCK
bvkeys: Those cuts that never stop bleeding always happen when you have important stuff you're about to do. I hope you get the job anyway.
stlknowswhy: I know right! You wanna know the most fucked up part about the situation. my fiance found a ridiculous remedy to stop bleeding from shaving. It said use a bar of deodorant.. I tried it and it burned... It burned really bad and kept bleeding! I really felt like a dumbfuck after trying that
bvkeys: Oof, that doesn't sound like fun. Styptic pencils are supposed to work too, but they don't feel so good either. I'm not sure if they work on big slices either. Update about the job though!
stlknowswhy: I got the call today and landed the job! woo!
bvkeys: Awesome man! Congratulations! Now go get yourself a respectable razor!
stlknowswhy: Most def, thank you lol
| 7 | 6 | |
1410217155 | 1410291513 | t3_2fuq6e | t5_2to41 | 20 | 42069911: TIFU By Saying "OH BABY A TRIPLE"
So this happened to my friend.
So he and I are absolutely in love with Montageparodies and whenever someone mentions something to do with 3 we always scream out "OH BABY A TRIPLE"
Anyway he was at a father's day gathering with his family and he was talking to some girl that he didn't know when she mentioned her triplets being miscarried so he instinctively screamed out "OH BABY A TRIPLE" and she ran off crying.
He plans on apologizing to her some time soon.
EDIT: Pretty sure it made sure it made sense but the triplets would have been her children.
EDIT 2:He messaged me on Facebook about telling his dad about it and apparently the woman drank and smoked during her pregnancy and despite not apologizing to her he said he somehow feels better about it (probably because that would've caused some sort of birth defect). That's still like 8/10 on the fucked scale.
Superamazingname: Okay, what?! Why did he even do that?! There is no way in HELL he didn't hear what she said! No offense, your friend is an idiot.
Mr_Goop: Its a reaction, like flinching... when ever someone says "Major Issue" or something akin to that i have to salute and say what they said again
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1410217684 | 1410218626 | t3_2fur2i | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU with that Tinder Pussy NSFW
FLGulf: Just go back and try again. Show up unannounced and to help your confidence, try wearing a ski mask.
jacketsarekindacool: they say guns build confidence, maybe I'll bring one of those too
| 3 | 1 | |
1410219292 | 1410219586 | t3_2futur | t5_2to41 | 5 | MissKensington: TIFU by trying not to hit another car.
So two hours ago, IFU. It's dark, and I'm walking the walk of shame to the trash can, when I see my car and am like "Ooooh, I could gas up a tad cheaper now and surprise my parents with breakfast tomorrow!" since I planned on going home for a few days. Anyway, I throw away my trash and get in the car. Now there's an obese old hag parking to my right that pesters me to park more to the left so she can get into her car more comfortably - by that I mean she sends her lumberjack son if I forget. I am a tiny blonde woman. The white delivery van to my left has a similar problem with the lady on his left, so he was rather close to my left side. There is also a grey car right behind my car, parked parallel to the sidewalk. In a no parking zone. At night.
I get into my car and think "Hm, don't wanna hit the grey car so I gotta start steering a little earlier since I got less space behind me. Also gotta be careful not to scratch the white va-" Screetch. Boom. Hit the grey car. Freak. Call boyfriend. Call cops.
The cops arrive and think I must at least be borderline retarded because I am shaking and sniffling telling them my story of what is essentially a simple insurance case. Told me it happens. Not sure if I should mention the fact that the grey car is in a no parking zone to the insurance company since it sounds like it's gonna be a lawyer shitfest. Still have to tell my dad. Today, I fucked up.
reddit_big_ass: Next time...don't call the cops lol.
MissKensington: I had to, it could have been no other car from that angle. And even if I had bailed, the janitor know that this is my assigned parking spot, so then it would actually have been worse because it would count as a hit and run. Still FML.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410217955 | 1410221988 | t3_2furj9 | t5_2to41 | 3 | PM_YOUR_TITAYS: TIFU by going to the wrong house
This happened last week.
My girlfriend and I got into a dumb argument. She was at work for the whole night and I had just got off work but we were angry at each other for stupid shit.
Anyways I decide to go to my buddies house a few minutes away. I don't get to see him much and he said he had some really dank weed so of course I was down. He lives with four other guys in a big old house in a basement.
On my way to his house(it's midnight by the way) , I'm still angry from the argument and I'm not really thinking straight. I pull into the driveway, slam my car door and walk up to the front door and begin to knock on the door pretty loudly. A minute goes by and I figure they are down in the basement. So begin to bang on the door and I even tried to open the door by jiggling the handle (sometimes they have it unlocked and it's not unusual for me to just walk in, in the past). However, I soon realized the door wasn't the right door and the cars weren't the right cars. I hurry to my car and see the people inside looking through their Windows at me. I just tried breaking into their house basically.
I pulled out and went up the street one house to my friends. They laughed at me but I felt bad at the time.
xwhocares3x: You could have gotten shot for that shit.
PM_YOUR_TITAYS: I know!
| 3 | 1 | |
1410220049 | 1410236915 | t3_2fuv4n | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my virginity [NSFW]
Hey. So I'm 18, I'm a freshmen at a community college.
I met some girl and she was really flirty. She was making it clear she wanted to sleep with me, and me being a virgin still while I'm starting college, I really wanted to change that. The problem is she's really ugly. A butterface you could say.
We say goodbye, and then the next day we run into each other again. I agree to go back to her apartment where we watch a movie. Until she started kissing me. We got undressed, and I couldn't get hard. I got a semi but things weren't looking up for me.
She cums twice from me eating her out/fingering. At this point she was questioning if I actually was a virgin. 10 points for Slytherin.
I'm still not hard. I have a semi, so I go for it (condom on, I didn't fuck up that bad).
I get hard-er but not a full on raging boner. But she was fine with it because apparently I'm big. Maybe she was just really small. I don't know. I don't come, but she does for the third time that night.
Now we're cuddling. She wants me to stay but I get up and start getting dressed and I leave. I made up an excuse so I could go.
Two days after she contacted me. She told me she had changed her relationship status on Facebook and that we are "official". She told me she loves me. She also said she would move across the country for me after I move.
It was good sex, I think. Nice ass. It was dark so I couldn't see her face much. The only problem is I now have a girlfriend. And I didn't know I did.
SN. Met some really attractive girl today. Got her number but I gotta get rid of the other girl first. Wish me luck.
UPDATE: "Broke up" with her just now. She started crying. I was really uncomfortable because she had intense feelings for me when I barely knew her name. 10/10 asshole feels. But at least she doesn't think we're in a serious relationship.
Some more background info: I was slightly drunk and extremely high when we did sleep together. She's probably a 5/10 or 6/10. She also told me about her family "liking" her relationship change on FB and she had 32 likes. That's how I found out she thought she was my girlfriend. I was at a loss for words so I smiled uncomfortably and went to do "homework" when in reality I was trying to make sense of what just happened. I cleared it up when I realized how fucked everything got.
lickastick: Yeah there is a serious misunderstanding. You need to clear the air asap. Like right now. Why are you putting this off. Now. Go do it.
Paxtun: Air cleared.
A wild asshole appeared.
lickastick: You or her? Nah man, you dun good.
Paxtun: I feel like shit lol
lickastick: Bound to happen when someone gets attached. I mean, you could have said nothing and been unwillingly part of a relationship that you didn't want any part in, and been feeling like shit anyways. Sorry mate, you'll both get over it with time
Paxtun: I've known her for 3 days and she's talking about love, and moving across the country with me. That's not too much? haha
ladlpslr: 3 days, ugly face, and had sex. She won. lol
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1410220744 | 1410286267 | t3_2fuwa2 | t5_2to41 | 99 | butifkupeveryday: TIFU by having anal sex with my boyfriend.
Apologies for bad grammar, a bit gluggy at the moment.
My boyfriend and I have been going steady for around 2 1/2 years now. He has begged me for anal throughout that time, but I was never interested. Anyway, one of our favourite DJ's was in town playing at a club, and we wanted to make a good night of it. We dropped our 1 year old daughter off at his parents and started getting ready for the night.
Earlier that day I had lunch with an old friend who mentioned he had some MDMA. Considering I never get the chance to really 'party' any more, I stupidly asked if he had some for me. He did.
I presented the capsules to my partner that night. He was pretty excited and keen to REALLY party. We eventually got to the gig at around 11 pm, we met up with some friends and I was already so wasted from all the pre drinking we had done. Being stupid and drunk, I whipped out my capsule and took the entire thing. I remember little from this point on.
We were thrown out of the club 15 minutes into the set because I was acting a damn fool. We got into a cab and apparently I thought the driver was my best friend and crying on his shoulder how much I 'love' him. We got home and before 2 minutes had passed I began sucking my bf dick. Considering how wasted I was he thought It was a good idea to take advantage in the nicest way. He bent me over and had his way with my butt. Unfortunately drugs often loosen your guts, which he found out the hard way. Immediately after he finished I shat myself on the rug. The smell was so bad. I had only eaten a bowl of soup that day so you can imagine the texture.
Bf had to throw the rug on the street and hope no poor sod opens that little present up. The next day I awoke with awful pains in my abdomen, closer to my bladder. I brushed it off as a hangover because I had never been as drunk before. A couple of days passed and I still had the pains but getting worse. It was a burning sensation when I peed and crippling pains in my bladder. I went to the doctor on the 4 th day and was diagnosed with a urinary tract infection. I had never had one before so I was silly for letting it go for so long. I was put on antibiotics and the pains eased after a day or so, but I still had a temperature and generally felt ill. I went back to the doc after a week with the pains still persisting.
Currently I am writing this from the ER on a couple of drips. I was given a second diagnosis of a bad kidney infection. The bacteria was getting into my blood. This could result in septic shock, which is a consequence of a blood infection, which furthermore can lead to amputation of limbs and even death, I have been told.
I haven't the proof but I assume this happened due to shit particles entering my vagina and disrupting my bladder. ( the doctor told me anal sex is a major cause of UTI, small traces of faeces can be transmitted into the vagina and reek havoc .)
Moral; don't do drugs, they butt fuck you causing UTIs and shit.
hellionnm: So basically your boyfriend date raped you, and you ended up in the hospital because of it.
Classy guy, I think you've found a real winner.
butifkupeveryday: Pretty much yes,
I hadn't really thought of it that way.
What a bastard!
Buk_lau81: You're the one who asked for the drugs, took them, and got wasted. stop blaming your boyfriend, take responsibility for your actions.
butifkupeveryday: I was joking ...
blaine64: but really, your bf sounds like a douche...
[deleted]: And the OP doesn't?
A mother, with one year old child taking X and getting blackout drunk...
blaine64: OP sounds like a douche too, but I was focusing on the fact that OP's bf slipped in anal when OP was beyond gone
edit: both indeed sound like white trash, or the equivalent.
poop_squirrel: Why they gotta be white?
blaine64: > or the equivalent
| 10 | 9.9 | |
1410219924 | 1410252935 | t3_2fuuw2 | t5_2to41 | 17 | elma3allem: TIFU by walking to the restroom at work while staring at my phone
Unlike most stories I've read on TIFU, this one actually happened today. It happened FEW MIN AGO!
I just started this new job two weeks ago. I like it and I was hoping I could spend many years here. This just changed.
I got up from my desk and started heading to the restroom to pee. As I started walking, I did what any person from this day and age would do, I pulled out my iPhone and started fiddling with it. Like a boss, I proceeded to walk down the hallway to the restroom without taking my eyes off my iPhone's screen. Eventually, I unzipped my pants and reached in with my left hand to air my junk. After all, it's been crammed in my slacks for the last god knows how long in this heat. The second my dong smelled the fresh air, it became full of life and started expanding a bit. After all, I just allowed a little more blood to flow into it. Still staring at my phone, I proceeded to pull it out of my pants. The problem is, I hadn't made it to the restroom yet. In fact, I was right outside facing the door opposite to the men's restroom, which is nothing but the women's restroom. This all could have not been a problem if the women's restroom's door hadn't opened and pulled me out of my zombie-esque walk to the restroom. I lifted my eyes up to look at the face of the one who dares disturb me as she was moving her eyes down to look at my dick in my left hand half way outside of the zipper. She looked back up at me with a horrified look on her face. I smiled at her as if had nothing happened and walked into the men's restroom.
I'll do what I can to convince her that she'd imagined the whole thing. I just don't know if that's possible. In case I fail, I'll start working on my resume.
BlondeFiction: aw Im sure if you just explain to her that you did not mean to be creepy-she will understand!but I still want to know how this turns out!
ZombieDrums: I gotta be honest, I would have a difficult time being understanding of a new co-worker who introduced himself with his penis - then smiling, as if proud about it.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1410220885 | 1410511764 | t3_2fuwih | t5_2to41 | 1,621 | newtothegym: TIFU by Fucking the bride
I was out last week at one my friends parties. Everyone was having a great time and getting a little drunk. I was watching a pretty intense game of beer pong and started talking to some girl who was watching too.
I didn't know her and she said she had come to party as a friend of the hosts girlfriend. We got on straight away and were drinking and joking all night.
Next thing I know we're upstairs in the spare room making out and we start having sex. It was amazing.
In the morning we wake up and she seems kinda embarrassed and tells me she has a boyfriend and nothing can happen between us again. I was confused but accepted it.
Now today I came to work at the 5star hotel I work at as a barman and we do a lot of wedding throughout the year. There is a wedding on today so I was working away when the bride and groom came around the corner into the reception to applause of all the guests. I freeze when I see who the bride is.... It's the girl from the party. She saw me behind the bar after a bit and got real flustered and walked away.
I'm down in the canteen on my break and I don't know what I should do, should I tell the groom? Should I talk to her? Should I just leave it?
TL.DR - Slept with a girl at a party last week who turned out to be a bride at the wedding im working at today
Thanks for all your advice over the last 12 hours. I finished last night and didn't say anything but I got home, opened up a bulmers and thought hard about it.
I'm on my way into work to work on their after wedding day BBQ so I've decided that at some stage today I will tell him.... Or as one of you suggested, tell the best man and leave it with him.
I'll update as soon as it happens. Here's hoping I have a job and a non beat up face after.
Update : The best man and groomsman came into the bar to get a drink so I decided this was my chance to tell them. I decided against telling the groom.
Once I told them what happened the groomsman looked shocked with his mouth open but the best man look calm and a little sad. He then sighed and said 'theses two deserve each other if they're just gonna keep cheating on each other' and walked away leaving me and the shocked groomsman.
The groomsman then turned to me, picked up his drink and said 'I think I'll need another, mate'
So it seems that it wasn't a first for her and the groom apparently does the same from time to time so it's a match made in hell.
Can go home tonight and sleep well. Thank you all.
THE-1138: Tell him. You could save some guys life.
BigSankey: This. If someone would've told me important information, I wouldn't have tried to turn a hoe into a housewife. Prevent some future children from experiencing a messy, life ripping event. Also update us if you do.
newtothegym: Would I be better off telling him tomorrow when he's not surrounded by all his friends and family?
smartstuff14: You're not the relationship police and you don't know the dynamic of their relationship either. Physically abusive partners is one thing but it's not your place to try and mess with their lives. Keep it for what it is now, a funny story.
[deleted]: Is this what a feminist answer looks like?
Are you saying that if you see a man hit a woman, you may intervene, but if you know a woman is cheating you may not?
I'm a man who has never hit a woman, except jest ofc. But if my wife cheated I would want to know for the good of my family.
smartstuff14: No it most certainly is not, I am a male and generally feel that feminism is counter productive. And yes, you're right. I generally would intervene to prevent violence but not cheating. Would you refuse to sleep with someone if you knew they had a boyfriend/girlfriend? People are allowed to make those kinds of choices, it's not up to the rest of the world to police them for it.
Would knowing if your wife cheated really be for the good of your family? It may have been a once off or she may have realised it was a huge mistake. Ultimately, it should be up to the person in the relationship to make that decision, not some guy she slept with once.
[deleted]: The whole point of being in a commited relationship is that you're commited.
When you marry someone, the whole point is you're attempting to create a stable environment to start a family and raise children according to a set of moral values.
smartstuff14: News flash, whatever fundamentalist church raised you isn't the final word on how people should live. Not everyone getting married wants to have kids or even be in a monagamous relationship. And whose moral values are you talking about? Has it occurred to you that they are intrinsically related to people and they don't need to share yours?
[deleted]: Your arguments amuse me, your just getting further and further into the lunatic zone.
Everyone knows what marriage stands for in our society, the basic principles are set in stone. Individuals may under agreement with one and other do whatever they feel like.
Sleeping with a guy just before you get married and covering it up does not sound like the husband knew what was going on.
I really hope this is just internet bravado, for your sake, as I seriously doubt you will ever have a meaningful relationship with this attitude.
smartstuff14: You know how I know you're an American? You can't stop being the police, everywhere you go. What business was it of the guy that had a one night stand with the bride to tell her fiance? I've had more than one "meaningful relationship" you condescending neckbeard. One day you'll grow up and realise you don't need to stick your nose in everyone's business to make sure they live by your morals.
[deleted]: What, the morals of not being a shifty person?
smartstuff14: Live be your own life by your own morals is what I'm really saying. Maybe the bride is a total whore and sleeps around all the time. It's no one's job to 'warn' the husband.
[deleted]: Holy shit, that's the exact reason he should know... It might not be the first time, it might not be the last. Better to get out early!
| 14 | 115.785714 | |
1410221808 | 1410239618 | t3_2fuy6l | t5_2to41 | 189 | labcoat2: TIFU by letting my brother wander around at a home hardware store
Today I fucked up.
I was walking around a home hardware store with my little brother by my side. I was taking measurements of some wood when I noticed my little brother (age 6) began to wander around. I've always done this as a kid every time my parents took me to any store and so, I let him wander around in the hopes that he would learn a thing or two on his own. After I was done with my measurements, I began looking around. My brother was nowhere to be found. I recalled that he told me he needed to use the wash room earlier, so I checked in the bathroom. Nothing. I start looking everywhere. Then suddenly, a stench. A horrid stench and a crowd of people, all visible from the next aisle. I run over to the next aisle and what I see is absolutely horrid. My brother had pulled his pants down and already began taking a shit on one of the toilets that were on display. And just because life hates me, it was the most "premium" toilet in the store. Guess who also bought a toilet today?
northernberry: Wow you really had a shitty day, pun totally intended. On a serious note though, be careful letting a six year old wander around, you never know what kind of creep might be lurking.
arod944: My grandma's brother let his little daughter run around in the office and she ended up cutting two fingers off in a paper cuter. Lesson is never let your guard down when around children.
etchtech12: >[Hanging out with [...] any two-year-old is basically one big suicide watch](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/435212-hanging-out-with-sam-or-any-two-year-old-is-basically-one)
-Michael J. Fox
I think this applies to all children (ages 0-any)
| 4 | 47.25 | |
1410223148 | 1410223810 | t3_2fv0mi | t5_2to41 | 4 | Tifusnap: TIFU by sending a snap to the wrong person
So I was having fun sending not so fully clothed pictures to my girl on snapchat. I took one picture showing all of me when i clicked on the wrong person, a friend of mine instead. I tought no big deal, just press the back button, but back and send are a little too close aaaaaand the picture is sent. I suspect it will get screenshotted and haunt me a long time since he loves to bring up embarrasing stuff, especially when drinking so everyone hears it.
Tifu by sending pictures of me nearly naked to a friend instead of my girl
TParis00ap: Make a joke out of it - ask him to send one back.
Tifusnap: Its a good idea, only i blocked him since i hoped that would delete the snap before he opened it, unblocked him again but he's no longer on my friends list, and I dont remember the username xD
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410225191 | 1410541106 | t3_2fv4a5 | t5_2to41 | 95 | innogenchia: TIFU by checking the sex offender registry
I was checking the sex offender registry in my area with some friends for shits and giggles. Everything was dandy until my coworker's face pops up. It's definitely him- same name, face, and address. This guy is someone I consider a friend. I really wish I didn't know what I know now.
SarcasmWow: As a parent of young children I would rather know. I wouldn't ask him what happened, but the charge should give you a good idea. Maybe he was 19 and dating a 16 year old. Not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but still illegal in many areas.
innogenchia: Yeah, I think it was a sad situation all around. He was 14 at the time and the victim was under 12. So, optimistically, they were 11 and 14? Still messed up, but less so? I don't have kids, and we don't work with kids, so that helps.
TickleMeGio: It's just me but i dont think you should let something that happened when they were 14 effect your friendship
innogenchia: It won't. I don't even have kids in my life, so even if I thought he was a danger, it wouldn't matter.
overunderdressed: Ehm, I might be wrong... But if it's something like that at 14 don't they only stay on the list for a short time?
It's only when it's something worse that they stay on it longer and where everyone can see it??
Not sure if I read that somewhere or if I made it up...
arktosmormont: Right? I thought their record was (for the most part) cleared when they turn 18?
I've definitely heard that before, too
mandiblebones: IANAL, but that's for criminal record. The sex offender registry is a different animal entirely.
And if you think *this* is unreasonable, think about the kids who are put on that list for producing / distributing child pornography... for sending someone pictures of themselves.
"Protecting the children" indeed.
overunderdressed: Hmmm no i don't think so... I think it has to be something real bad to still be on the list!
dreogan: Nah, mate. The registry is the registry. There is no distinction, or separate lists, or levels. It's one list; if you are required to list as a sex offender, you will be on the list until the day you die. I've had friends almost put on the list because of them sexting girlfriends. If you are 14, and your SO is 14, you can be put on the list for having sex(if someone decides to press charges for it.)
The Sex Offender Registry and corresponding laws are absolute shit in America. You can take a piss in a public place and get registered for it.
overunderdressed: Can somebody google it? I would...but I'm on a monitored connection
renuf: http://www.criminaljustice.ny.gov/nsor/faq.htm
Under item 15: "A juvenile offender convicted of a sex crime is required to register."
| 12 | 7.916667 | |
1410227517 | 1410315199 | t3_2fv87l | t5_2to41 | 108 | 20slash200: TIFU by "helping" a hot girl with her homework
This happened almost a decade ago, but I'm still treated to this night when my idle mind treats me to a highlight reel of my greatest fuck ups (Now That's What I Call Fuck Ups! Vol 3).
I was a few weeks into my first semester as a freshman in college. I was hundreds of miles away from home for the first time, and the heady breeze of freedom was full under my barely post-pubescent wings.
A girl stopped me after physics class and asked me if I would mind helping her with the homework we'd just been assigned. This was odd, but not odd enough to make me notice. Our class had roughly 30 students. We had never interacted. I didn't raise my hand to answer questions in class, smirking about my mastery of the course material. I hadn't dramatically finished any tests 30 minutes before everyone else. There was no evidence for anyone (even me) that I was intelligent enough to help anyone. Like I said, I thought it was odd, but chose to ignore it. That was fuck up number one.
This girl was cute. I mean she was steamin'. She had the tall and toned body of a consummate athlete. Her style was casual and practical, but her looks were still miles ahead of any other girl I'd seen on campus. I was so caught off guard seeing her up close that I stared. I noticed the baseball cap she wore- I'd seen her wearing it but never really saw who was hiding under it. Awkwardly I reeled in my gawking and agreed to help her. We'd meet in the library the following night. She seemed really pleased that I had so readily agreed. What a weirdo, I thought. Who gets happy about physics homework? Was this girl some kind of NDT/Serena Williams love child?
I was somewhat annoyed. I'd been shirking most of my physics homework, and now I had to actually learn the material well enough to: A, finish the homework and B, finish it well enough to explain the problems without using google. I'm fairly smart (although this post will make that claim questionable) so it wasn't impossible, but just more time than I was really happy to spend away from Halo.
I showed up at the library a half an hour early. I chilled, read, and eventually bought a drink from the cafe. when it was about time I staked out a few computers in view of the door. She was exactly on time. I got the impression that she had gotten there early and waited outside out of concern for being too late (and/or too early?). I waved her over, and she immediately smiled and waved back. I tried to ignore my grumpiness and smiled back. Judging by the way her smile faltered, my smile must have looked like my dog had died in a humorous way. I failed to take note of how she was dressed. She'd traded the gym chic look for something decidedly more alluring and feminine. (Do I hear fuck up number two, anyone?) She came over and dropped her stuff down by mine. She asked if I wanted something to drink. I waved over to my half empty lukewarm latte and told her that I already had grabbed something. She paused, and then sat down without going to get something for herself. (oops.)
We got into the homework, and uh yeah. It was almost immediately obvious that she knew the homework well enough to not need any help. Since this is my story, and I'm in charge here, I could leave out the detail that she knew the homework *better than I did*. Yeah, I think I'll do that. She let me stumble through explanation after explanation, nodding with relief like I was taking her through physics epiphany after physics epiphany. But her expression was that of mirthful patience and pity. like a mother watching her child walk head first into wall after wall, mere inches from the doorway.
She submitted the last problem, with my "help." 100%. I'd scored in the high 80s. She thanked me for my help and sat back in her chair. I filled the silence the only way I knew how- by signing into the PC and checking my email. after 6 or so minutes, she tapped my shoulder and asked if I wanted to meet up again sometime. No mention of homework. My mental gears whirred madly. I didn't want to commit to doing any more homework, but I didn't want to sound like an a-hole (not realizing that I'd been just that all night). But when a girl asks you out, like Jeopardy, there's a time limit. I heard the buzzer in my head when she got the hint and just said that maybe we could talk about it during class some time. On went the baseball cap. Out went the girl. I never saw her again for the rest of the semester. I suspect she avoided me. I transferred out of that school, and have no clue where she ever ended up.
The thing is, I'm gay. 100%, 6 on the Kinsey Scale, honest-to-goodness homosexual. I'd known since the onset of puberty, but at that time in my life I'd been so far in the closet that I could see Narnia. Teenaged freshman me was beating on the closet door, but was still pretty much what you'd call "straight-acting." So I didn't react to a metric shit-ton of hints and advances because I had a few dozen boys dominating my thoughts at any given moment. That being said, if I wasn't such a textbook example of the elusive *homo oblivious* I could have maybe spared her what had to be a really sucky night for her. Now knowing that she *obviously* didn't ask me because she needed help, I must have looked like a total dick who rebuffed her at every turn. Gay or not, I fucked that one up.
So uh yeah, if you're out there, sorry, but I'm gay. Maybe we can go shopping sometime?
DIA13OLICAL: Hot girl in physics class? Do you take us as idiots, OP? /s
lungi_chor: There were quite a few "hot" chicks in my first sem of eng. but that number went down exponentially each sem.
SpeedOften: I know a bunch as well...
DIA13OLICAL: In all seriousness, I'm starting an engineering degree next year, you guys better not be jerking me around...
The_rusty_sausage: Nah we'll leave that to your hand.
5unbr0: **Rekt**
| 7 | 15.428571 | |
1410227789 | 1410237659 | t3_2fv8o0 | t5_2to41 | 6 | iGouger: TIFU trying to get gum off my shoe
Not the most dramatic story, but a screwup on my part nonetheless.
Stepped in gum on my way to class today (around 3 PM), in my new shoes nonetheless. Sat through class (mostly forgot about the gum because of funny professor and cute girl sitting next to me, but I digress), ate dinner, came back to my room around 6 PM-ish, and by now, the gum's an amorphous, black, caked-on blob of goo on my shoe. So I look up methods online for how to get gum off a shoe. One of the first links I found linked me to wikihow, and the only method there which I could try was the "peanut butter method" wherein you spread peanut butter over your shoe, let it gestate for 10 minutes, and then scrub it off.
For whatever reason--possibly used peanut butter that wasn't "creamy" enough; didn't have a wire brush around so I resorted to paper towels; etc--this method was completely ineffective. The end result was that the peanut butter ended up CLINGING TO THE GUM, so as I type this, my right shoe has a brown-and-black blob of even more putrid smelling gunk on it.
TL;DR: Got gum on my shoe, listened to advice on the internet, and now I have gum AND peanut butter stuck to my new shoes.
If there's anything to be learned from this, it's to not trust wikihow.
steezyvape: Try ice and a razor/knife.
The ice makes it brittle and the razor/knife is for obvious scraping purposes.
iGouger: Thanks. I would try that, but I'm at college and nobody around has ice, unfortunately.
Managed to scrape enough of it off with a paperclip. I'm glad I had kept that paperclip.
steezyvape: Ah, the essence of college, where basic items like ice and pocket knives are too expensive/impossible to find.
Glad you got it off.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410228009 | 1410275944 | t3_2fv8zl | t5_2to41 | 86 | kswift1991: TIFU by going to outback steak house to watch a football game
Well this is my first post here. Not a huge fuck up, but enough to affect my life.
I was at work today at a call center, and a co worker and I decided to go to outback to watch the Lions vs Giants game, and get a free bloomin onion and a beer. It was a hell of a first half, my #1 pick in fantasy had 100 yards basically, and 2 Tds in the first quarter. Well only had a hour lunch so had to go back into work. Take couple calls, then my manager pulls me into a office with ALL of the managers. Basically to sum up that convo with them, my manager was at outback also, and seen me and co worker had beer. Well, I guess it's "against" our company policy to have a drink OFF the clock on lunch, then come back in and work. So I just found that out today and it's a automatic termination.
So over a football game, bloomin onion, and beer, I lost my only income.
Not as great as some of reddits TIFU's, but it thought it should be on here for some reason.
EDIT: I also forgot to mention, that because it's around so many bars, it's their policy. That's why I'm calling HR
Edit: question to people with some legal knowledge. Would my HR rep be able to call Outback and request to see our tab? Is that legal on Outbacks half?
Markbuar: This is very random, but you don't live in NY do you?
kswift1991: I do live in NY. Why? Lol
cosmicchasm: That game started at like 8pm. How was that lunch time?
cschrader: not everybody works 9-5?
VIOLENT_COCKRAPE: But almost nobody calls "dinner" their "lunch"
EDIT: apparently a lot of people do. Worked the night shift security gig in California for a number of years, but apparently never ran into this
samandfrodo: People who work shift work do.
| 7 | 12.285714 | |
1410227422 | 1410237888 | t3_2fv823 | t5_2to41 | 22 | beardyzve: TIFU by reading TIFU
So after a long day at work i wanted to unwind by browsing TIFU and having a solid chuckle reading about others screwups. Once i start getting a few pages in i start to get hungry, and being the man that i am, i go to the kitchen and start cooking some meat and potatoes. Mind you, this is not just any meat, i bought some filet mignon from the grocery store the other day. you know, those 2 packs that cost around 15-20$? Yea, one of those. So i throw the steak into the oven, hit broil, and go back to my room to continue browsing.
i check the clock- 2 min, still red
4 min, nope not yet
So i keep reading and am coming across some real gems, hollywood production quality mishaps. The next time i looked at the clock, twenty eight goddamn minutes have gone by. I run to the kitchen and check the oven to see my once beautiful, red, juicy steaks have turned black, hard, and dry. My potatoes are fine but...godamn, i was really in the mood for some good steak.
TL;DR Started cooking steak, started reading TIFU, totally forgot about/ ruined my steak.
steezyvape: What kind of person doesn't set a timer when *broiling* such precious cargo?
I'll set a timer for 2 minutes if I have to, just to be sure I don't do exactly this.
Sorry for your fuckup.
beardyzve: After posting this, I sat in remorse, eating my potatoes and a cliff bar, thinking about how the slightest bit of arrogance and lack of planning can ruin a day. The worst part was i was completely sober, no excuse.
steezyvape: No excuse.
Again, sorry about the steaks. A shame to see them go.
Fun story, in my first apartment with my wife she tried to broil some steaks, but failed to notice the amount of grease/fat on the pan (they were cheaper steaks) and when I smelled smoke I checked the oven. The pan had caught fire altogether and plumes of smoke rushed out.
Panicked and having never put out a fire this size, I freaked out and tried to blow this thing out (which did nothing) and my wife turned around and tossed water on it, which put out the fire with a giant plume of smoke.
First thing she says? I hope the steaks are ok.
Spoiler: they were a little soggy and smokey, but otherwise edible.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1410229298 | 1410262286 | t3_2fvb61 | t5_2to41 | 6 | 01zer0ne: TIFU wasted around 1200 euro's
TIFU Instead of upgrading my old phone plan online I accidentally took a new one 2.5 years ago and did not cancel the old one because DERP I thought the phone company would do this. So basically I have been paying 40 euro's a month for 2.5 years for nothing. And the guys at customer service were laughing in the background when I told them this. I found out after 2.5 years when I was looking at my bank statements and found it qurious why the phone company was withdrawing money every 2 weeks.
HotaGrande: Wow this is a huge fuck up. How did you know notice??
01zer0ne: I saw the same company removing money every 2 weeks, that's how I noticed something was off.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410229369 | 1410239999 | t3_2fvba2 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU but accidentally snorting molly
So today I came home from school and noticed a blue pill on the ground just laying in my driveway. I have no idea how it got there, but my brother had recently gone to a party so I suspected he dropped it. Very intrigued I picked it up and pocketed it and immediately went to the bathroom to open it. By the way this isn't a high quality pill we are talking about we are talking about a homemade pill. So I open it up to find a white power with tiny brown speckles. So I bring the pill towards my nose to smell. I currently have a stuffy nose so I took a huge sniff to try and get the sense of what it smelt like immediately I knew I was in for a ride because it shot up into my nose and I tried to wash it out but it didn't work. The rest of the day was spent in my room freaking out hiding from my parents.
Ajsriracha: Should have turned on some Madonna, got some orange soda and made it into a real party.
MattStancil13: The fault in that was that it would be a one man party+the voices.
camburgler: if you were hearing voices that was not molly. sounds like your brother is doing some other fucked up shit.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410228863 | 1410234378 | t3_2fvaf3 | t5_2to41 | 21 | __rachelkitten: TIFU by giving my roommate's dog cum breath.
Last night I was fooling around with my ex-boyfriend, and one thing led to another, and I decided to give him a blow job. Well I decided to spit out his spunk into a tissue, and use another tissue to clean up everything that didn't make it into my mouth. I then threw both of those tissues in my bedroom trash can. Fast forward to tonight, I'm cuddling with my roommate's dog, and I notice her breath smells like jizz. I figure I'm imagining it, and ignore it. I got up a couple minutes later and saw that the tissues from my trash can were ripped to shreds and partially eaten. That's when I realized her breath totally did smell like cum... because she ate cum. I told my ex about it and all he said was, "Well it looks like you two have something in common now."
**TL;DR**: Cum tissues.
Tallpaul07: That's what you get for not swallowing.
__rachelkitten: Normally I do but he had soooo much more than usual. I swallowed some and what didn't go down the first time was spit out. He hadn't gotten sucked off for a couple of months
| 3 | 7 | |
1410230389 | 1410288325 | t3_2fvcya | t5_2to41 | 15 | Shinerhead: TIFU by answering the door while watching Reservoir Dogs
This happened 20 minutes ago. Reservoir Dogs shows up on IFC (unedited but with commercials) and I haven't seen it ages. I start recording so I can blast through the ads. I get hungry watching inane BS so I order a pizza because there is no decent food in the house. Usually delivery it takes about 45 minutes but this time it's 20 when doorbell rings. I'm waiting for a friend to drop so by I open the door without pausing the DVR or bothering to look through the peephole. I was expecting the regular guy: older, beer belly, sagging pants, with a handlebar mustache, named Rick. (The guy's name, not the mustache.)
Instead I open the door to find cute, pixieish, redhead, that totally fits my type. The site of her leaves me momentarily speechless while my brain tries to reconcile this change of unexpected events. At this precise moment the soundbar begins blaring the second after the Mexican stand off resulting in Mr. Orange's death scene: male grunting and groaning and ahhhing and ooohing.
The first thing out of my mouth is "It's not porn." She awkwardly hands me the pizza, I tip her, sign the receipt, and hand it back. To compound the awkwardness I nervously add "You can come in and see for yourself."
She looks at me like I just took a dump in her grandma's open casket. I guess I'll be changing pizza joints.
TL,DR - Cute delivery chick thinks I'm watching gay porn and looks revolted.
AsaKurai: Are you a doctor? Answer me please. Are you a doctor?
Shinerhead: I'm not a Dr. but I play one on TV.
Mr_Goop: Actually? What show?
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1410232039 | 1410291548 | t3_2fvfkv | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU By asking my grandmother if she ever went to the glory hole.
I live near a place that has a tourist attraction called "the glory hole", it's a giant mine that got flooded over the years, and people swim there a lot, take pictures and all that stuff. Today, we were eating out all together as a family. The subject of cool travel locations came up and I asked "Grandma, have you ever been to the glory hole in cobalt?". Everyone just stared at me in awe, it hadn't even processed in my mind what I had said until everyone went quiet :/ We left a few hours ago and I got an earful before I got the chance to explain what I meant.
EDIT: My family is very religious, that's why they all over-reacted.[Here's the glory hole in question](http://imgur.com/kHv5MmI)
rise1fall2: It could have worse... much worse if your Grandmother replied.
macaroniemaniac: Please no ;-;
rise1fall2: sorry. had to say it. sorry for the nightmares.
canyewknot: Why yes honey. Grand daddy and I use to go at it like kinky wild rabbits.
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1410232298 | 1410257903 | t3_2fvg0l | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a wet dream in class
In the past weeks, I been having constant/random wet dreams. I believe this is due to my attempt for no fap.
On with the story... I am a freshman in collage taking calculus. And the day before I happen to buy a new pair of gray adidas sweat pants aswell as a matching shirt. So today I decided it would be a good idea to wear my new outfit. I put it on, look in the mirror. Looking Sharp. I drive to class, get there, take my seat, wait about 10 minutes and class starts. Our classes are about two and a half hours long, so after a hour or so of notes I'm getting bored... So I start dossing off.... And I fall asleep. And this is where I FUCK UP.. I wake up to my name being called. I get startled, look up at the professor, then look down and see my sweat pants have wet marks all over my crouch area. I panic. Our class has a rule; if your caught sleeping, you have to stand for the rest of class. Looking back up at the professor, he says for me to stand up... I'm terrified. Everyone was looking at me, I'M FUCKED. I slowly standup, gather my things and leave... I ran to my car immediately and drove home. Luckily no one was home so I changed of clothes. Now I have no idea what to do, everyone saw my wet spot. I'm freaking out. We meet at this class five times a week. I'm gonna die of embarrassment.
Edit: Here some answers to the questions bellow.. Its Calculus 2, Class originally meant to meet 2 hours but the guy doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut do the class continues on for a extra half an hour. Please excuse my English for it's not my first language. The professor is a bit of a nut, and I try to respect all staff so I follow (or at least try to) all commands. I came in and met with the professor on a personal level before college started. He got me into Calculus 2 because I took Calculus in High School and it counted for a college credit.
Edit 2: Today I awkwardly walked into class, got many glances and giggles. Kept quite the whole time and didn't interact with anybody.
rise1fall2: Any hot girls in that class? I mean... "I was dreaming about you" (or something cliche like that) might work.
On a more serious note... I do not think there is a way to avoid the embarrassment. They might assume you peed your pants which is not much better than having a wet dream. Also try to get more sleep and not falling asleep in class.
claymcdab: You should 100% take this guys advice and ask a hot girl in your class out. Start with this line "Hey guh, the other day when I creamed my pants, I was thinking about you. Now that we have the pre-mature ejac out the way, you should get a taste of the real deal."
Do not be afraid, this is guaranteed to get you laid.
oldschooI: ***"Don't worry, this is guaranteed to work! Only for the small price of $99 a month!***
| 4 | 20 | |
1410232703 | 1410270013 | t3_2fvgml | t5_2to41 | 8 | Gumpyyy: TIFU by trying to talk to a Girl about baseball
I live in Nashville, TN which is Atlanta Braves country. I went to take out the trash in my apartment complex, right as it was getting dark. A young, skinny blonde girl was walking her dog right next to the dumpster, and she was wearing a Braves "#2 Upton" jersey. If anyone knows the Braves, Justin Upton, #8 kicks ass. BJ Upton, #2 stinks out loud.
So I pipe up and say "You dont see too many *BJ* jerseys around"
She instantly gets a confused look on her face, jumps back, and acts like shes going to run. her dog freaks out. At this point I realize this poor girl was surprised by my statement, half heard what I said, and only heard my emphasis on BJ. She reacted like she may have went to a game with a boyfriend or friends and knows nothing about what player shes representing. Meanwhile, I'm the weirdo yelling about BJs.
"NO NO! BJ! The baseball player!"
TL;DR: I tried to talk baseball with a girl in a BJ Upton Jersey after dark, and she thought I was yelling about Oral sex.
ReferenceMaster: The worst and most expensive BJ in the history of man.
rise1fall2: Monica Lewinsky?
dam1985: Well played sir
rise1fall2: thank you.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410233433 | 1410465642 | t3_2fvhoy | t5_2to41 | 9 | HisFaithRestored: TIFU by letting my girlfriend shave me
So I had wanted to shave off my pubes, thus my girlfriend said she was willing to do it as she could probably do it better. Everything was going well, all the hair was off, then we had the brilliant idea of getting the hair off my balls too...Note this was with one of those electric razors, luckily, not a straight razor.
I proceeded to have a tissue in my pants for a few hours afterward to soak up the blood.
FatAjani: Always use a guard for an electric trimmer ;o
HisFaithRestored: Even when you're shaving the hairs directly on your balls?
FatAjani: I mean I never go all the way to skin on the balls simply because of my irrational fear of blades near my genitals, so I use a pretty close guard and get as much as I can and use like an un guarded buzz clipper to get like the taint region, around shaft, etc. I just refuse to put anything directly on the sack lol
HisFaithRestored: You're a smart man lol
FatAjani: I've had a time where the clippers have pinched the sack and that day I stopped applying any sort of danger to the boys lol
HisFaithRestored: Owwww I can feel that imaginary pain... *cringe*
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1410231973 | 1410271156 | t3_2fvfhj | t5_2to41 | 8 | Saboteure: TIFU by trying foreskin stretches NSFW
This actually happened today, but I'm gonna start with some context.I've been reading TIFU from the front page for a while, and all this starts when I read the post about TIFU by not washing my penis for 17 years or whatever it was called. Besides being funny, it actually enlightened me. See, I'm not circumcised, and I, much like this guy, was never told to pull back my foreskin and wash. So, seeing as this was kind of worrisome considering the context, I start trying and discovered it was excruciatingly painful to pull it back even a bit. So I googled solutions to this, rather panicked, and discovered that it's actually somewhat common and that practicing it by stretching it bit by bit when erect is a good way to work on it. I've been practicing foreskin stretches in my shower for a bit, and there's been a bit of progress. Today, though, I managed to pull it back further than ever, and stopped when I experienced a lot of resistance and unmanageable pain, and let it go. Except my foreskin didn't want to go back to its normal position. So I tugged on it a bit, and searing agony just overwhelmed me. I keep trying though, because my head is still sensitive and any touch beyond gentle rubbing hurts like hell, so I keep trying to sheathe my sword, TO NO AVAIL. So, at this point, I'm freaking out a bit, and just decide to wait for my erection to go away. Except, subconsciously, I kept tugging at it, because it was still super sensitive, and kept causing me pain, and I guess I'm a sadist because my fucking erection was stiffer than ever. So I just try to ignore it, and put on my clothes, and my boxers kept rubbing my head and causing pain, so I got on my bed and just whipped out my penis through my boxers little opening which appears to be redder than usual either from irritation or being suffocated by my foreskin. So, I'm sitting on my bed, watching TV, when my youngest (15 year old) sister comes in without knocking and looks at me and starts talking to me when she sees my rather red, stiff penis peeking over at her with my face showing red with embarrassment and pain, because I immediately stuffed it in my boxers. She just tried to play it cool, and asked me for a car ride to her friends. I still think she thought I was masturbating, which, quite frankly at this point, is probably way better. Oh, and my foreskin is still a bit stuck and not completely covering my penis like before despite being flaccid, so I figure now I have to go ask my parents to see a doctor or urologist and try and explain why, and pray to god my sister doesn't find out or overhear any of this.
TL;DR: My foreskin got stuck and caused constant, searing pain by not sheathing my sensitive head which caused me to sit down with my erect, suffocated penis exposed as my sister walked in.
jjgonya: Yay [phimosis!](http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/777539-overview#showall) But really, I'm very sorry, bud. Definitely one time I'm glad I do not have a penis. I hope you will not need surgery for this.
Senor_Taco29: That link is staying blue
jjgonya: Why? Honest to goodness, it's a medical website explaining what phimosis and paraphimosis are. Are you afraid you'll learn sonething?
| 4 | 2 | |
1410234260 | 1410252990 | t3_2fvj0h | t5_2to41 | 19 | Nanookthefallen: TIFU BY SPEAKING MY MIND... AT A FAMILIY REUNION.
First time post, here we go!
Over the weekend I went back to my home town to see family that I have not seen since I left home at 16. The majority of the family members there are, lets say, religious and don't like that I left my family and home in order for me to get past some issues. Anyway, I get there in the morning and I feel good because every one of my family members fucking called me telling me that I should come, and that it would be a great opportunity to, "catch up." Red flag number one. I walk in and I have like 15 people staring at me, like they have never seen me before! Feeling on the radar, I sit down next to a younger brother and start to talk to him and my aunt, both of which are happy that I have come. In about 5 minutes, my cousin (who I thought I was close to) comes in. We make eye contact and she glares at me and turns her head to greet everyone else. Know I'm thinking "what the fuck? why does everyone have to stare at me when they see me? I am dressed normal and I am not doing anything odd." Red flag number 2, as soon as all of my cousin's family is present, everyone joins hands and prays. Look, I respect their beliefs and I wanted to join them, BUT NO ONE WOULD JOIN HANDS WITH ME OR MY BROTHERS! I start to become just a little agitated. And after the prayer, I try talk to my cousin, seeing what see has been up to for the last couple of years. She gives Vague ass answers, deflects the topic, or just doesn't respond. I give up and start looking at Videos and stuff on my laptop for the next couple of hours, trying to let everyone have their space, because, by now, I have guessed that they really don't want my there and they just invited me to be nice... After a while, I get bored and start trying to talk to my extended family again. After being Shut out of conversation multiple times, they get one the topic of dating and on how my older cousin met her husband. He tells his version of the sappy tale... how he STALKED HER AROUND HER COLLEGE AND HER APARTMENT BUILDING! He said that that was the easiest way for him for figure out the best time to ask for her number. Eventually we get to the part where he gets her number and after a few weeks of dating, he tells her that he stalked her in order to get her number. She says, "Yeah, it was really cute, I am glad he stalked me, otherwise we wouldn't be together." In my mind, I think, "I think that is fucking creepy, but she likes it. Whatever sinks her ship..."
But right then things started going down hill in the "I respect my family" bobsled. She then added, "It is only cute if a cute guy like him stalks you though. Otherwise, it is way creepy." Everyone in that room but me and brother agreed with that shit! I LOST IT! I started yelling, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS THINKING! IF ANYONE STALKED ME I WOULD FREAK THE FUCK OUT! THAT SHIT IS CREEPY AS HELL!" Everyone stops and looks at me. "Why are you yelling?! What's wrong?" My cousin asks. I then go on a rant saying everything wrong with that way of thinking. And after about 20 minutes of back and forth between me and almost all of my extended family, I start to explain that they are, "All fucking stupid, close-minded, sheltered, shits!" That is when they started to yell at my for coming over to "their" reunion. I GO BALLISTIC. I whip out my phone and start to read off all of the texts and all of the phone calls that I had received from them, inviting me to come over. I say somewhere in my hate filled speech, " I know that I fucked up. I know that you all think that I am some sort of violent, crazy, fucked up person for doing what I did. But you know what, I did my time and went through fucking HELL to make sure that I have a better hold of my anger. If you didn't want me here all you should have done was tell me, you wouldn't have hurt my feeling, I actually would be grateful. NOW EXCUSE ME! I AM GOING TO GO HOME! I grab my brother and on my way home, he says, " Nanook, I have not seen you that mad for like... 5 years. But I think that you had to do it. It seemed to me that they were treating you like shit and it needed to stop." I start to cry and I pull over. It then hits me that I did what I had been trying not to do for years. I just hurt a lot of people, and my mind relapsed back to where it was before I started to get help. I FUCKED UP!
alanwins: are all of you missing the subtext? he's obviously done something to them all in the recent past, and they haven't forgiven him.
>I know that I fucked up. I know that you all think that I am some sort of violent, crazy, fucked up person for doing what I did.
what'd you do, OP? why were you in jail?
Nanookthefallen: To put it simply, I was being physically and sexually abused at school and to cope I started attacking my family. (I know, doesn't make any god damn sense. I could tell you the way I rationalized it in my head, but that would take forever.) And to top it all off, I put my abuser in the hospital, I was arrested at 16 and was put in intensive therapy in a lock down facility. I graduated the program when I was 20 (and yes they can do that. The juvenile justice system can hold you until you turn 21, I believe.) I met with my family that I had hurt in order to say that I am sorry. They said that they forgive me for what I did. I didn't want them to feel like they had to forgive me, because they don't. They don't even have to love me. I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I got mad because my views shifted and I got the feeling that they told me I could come so that my feeling wouldn't get hurt. I got mad because I realized that I should not have been there.
alanwins: they invited you to see if you've grown up. you proved to them you haven't.
saying sorry means fuck all. saying you get it means fuck all. saying anything means fuck all. what you do matters, and what you did was make people uncomfortable and then unload on them.
your contention here is that you feel you understand what you did wrong and are trying to be a better person and therefore everyone should accept that and move on.
but it doesn't work that way.
because no on gives a fuck about *why* you do things. no one on reddit, certainly, and no one in your family should. we all have a story. we all have our reasons, and triggers, and crazy.
what matters is that you don't regurgitate your crazy onto the rest of society, in any transaction, macro or micro. whether you're buying smokes or at thanksgiving dinner, be a fucking adult.
which entails admitting you're wrong, and asking for help. there, presumably, your family might feel obligated to rally 'round, depending on your sincerity.
good luck.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1410221598 | 1410264558 | t3_2fuxtd | t5_2to41 | 23 | ThEuNkNoWnxX: TIFU by calling my father while watching porn (NSFW)
As are most TIFU posts, this one is from a while ago.
So I was sitting at home sick one day, and I got really bored. I decided to get out of bed and sit at my computer to check my email. I was scrolling through the meaningless messages when I came across an email from my brother. He had sent me a link to some German fetish video, as to why I have no idea. Bored out of my mind and in need of something to laugh at, I clicked on the link. Back then, I had one of those old phones that would always butt-dial people without your knowledge. So with my phone in my back pocket, I sat at my desk watching these random German fetish videos, silently laughing my ass off at the morbidity of it all. This is where the fuck up occurs. My father had just pulled up into the driveway, being home early from work. He burst into my room, screaming at the top of lungs wondering what the Fuck was going and why it sounded like I was having sex. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, seeing as how I closed the internet tab before he came in. When he calmed down a bit, he explained to me that I had apparently called him, and all he heard was loud moaning and screaming. It was then that I realized what had happened. While watching German fetish porn on full volume, I had butt-dialed my own father. He hasn't looked at me the same ever since.
TL;DR Watched German porn while unknowingly on the phone with my Father.
Just a little tip, be sure to check and make sure you aren't on the phone with anyone the next time you decide to jerk it, guys.
DivinePrince: I'm an 18 year old girl who watches Hentai.
My dad thinks it is absolutely hilarious. One time there was a scene with bugs and he started rolling on the floor laughing 'cuz he was walking down the hallway and saw it.
XMATIC_4: You need doors
DivinePrince: My computer is in the hallway. I dont have one in my room. Dont need one either. I draw, read and watch porn with no shame :)
XMATIC_4: god damnit,why cant I get that kind of freedom.
You wanna show me some of your work?
DivinePrince: Well it pretty much always features gay men. You into that?
If not I can just give you some hentai links.
XMATIC_4: lesbian women are hot to men
gay men are hot to women
true or false?
DivinePrince: True :)
But I also like softcore Lesbian stuff too.
As long as it's porn.
Just porn.
I'm Asexual.
| 8 | 2.875 | |
1410237013 | 1410240653 | t3_2fvn3c | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU into the future by developing a humiliation fetish
So, I'm not exactly sure why, but I've been getting more and more turned on by being "dominated" by a girl. Well, a certain girl ( who is married) and I have kept a relationship of this type online through e-mail, and I've sent her a multitude of pics over the past year, including pictures of her name on me ( on my ass ), fully naked -- me wearing a pink thong with a hole in the front for my pipi, and more humiliating pictures as well as a video that starts with my face and goes on with me fingering my ass then fapping.
Well, I'm not sure how this will play off into the future if I am ever in a public career -- and there's a good chance I will be in a "respectable field".
Also, I just gave her my debit card info today.
Not sure how bad I've fucked up -- it's possible that it can not turn into a fuck up -- but my odds aren't looking too good.
Ohmybryan: Dang, I guess it'll be pretty humiliating if any of that gets out, so you got that going for you.
peaweav: Yeah this is gonna be like the biggest humiliation induced orgasm ever..he should go pro
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1410238555 | 1410240466 | t3_2fvp5b | t5_2to41 | 17 | Manzo21: TIFU by telling a girl I'd take her on a trip.
So here's my story. It was last Saturday and I was enjoying my alcoholic beverages while watching the virginia tech v. ohio state game. So far so good right? During this time I'm texting this girl I know. Cute girl and we tried to start something before, but I just wasn't feeling it and decided to just stay friends. She agrees, but still tells me she still has feelings for me. Anyways so we keep texting and I keep drinking and before you know it I'm drunk. Throughout the night she's telling me about how things aren't going so well and the other hardships in her life so I feel a bit bad for her. Later on in the night she tells me about how she's always wanted to go to the grand canyon, and me being from Arizona and having gone there before I'm like "fuck it, let's go!" She asks if I'm serious and drunk me replies with a yes. We talk about it for a little awhile then I head to bed. Next day she's telling about how excited she is and when we're planning on going and basically asking me for trip details. Now I have to either crush her heart and cancel, or go on this out of state trip with her.
peaweav: Yeah I would make sure to tell her real soon if you decide not to go on the trip. You said she has a crush on you so she's probably really excited and telling all of her friends about it. She's going to be upset either way but try and minimize the humiliation by letting her know ASAP
Manzo21: Fuck man I totally forgot about the possibility of her telling friends.
peaweav: Yep. Gonna be really embarrassing for her to have to tell them you cancelled..or I guess maybe didn't even mean to invite her in the first place. All & all I don't think you should go. If you have a great time and find out you have a lot in common, well hooray. If you go on the trip and nothing changes..well let's just say her expectations will have increased significantly. I'm not sure where you live relative to AZ, but a trip longer than a few hours that potentially requires a hotel, tent, or other shared sleeping quarters sends a message I do not think you are trying to send here dude. Source: Female.
Manzo21: It's roughly an 8 hour trip so a hotel is definitely in account. On the upside (but not really) I am in the military so I could just pull the "oh balls duty calls" card. At least that way it's a legit excuse and it's not as embarrassing.
peaweav: Problem there is if she believes your excuse she is just going to try and re-schedule the trip. I'm not saying that won't work. But it is a short-term solution. I'm pretty big on the "Honesty is the best policy" though. It's like ripping off a band-aid. It will hurt for a second but at least it's over.
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1410235604 | 1410296379 | t3_2fvl3f | t5_2to41 | 38 | Idunpunchedup: TIFU by punching a vulnerable adult
I work in adult foster care, and I came into work about an hour ago. I was talking to my coworker, and she asked me to grab the med count book. I said sure not thinking anything of it. Well, I was in the middle of telling her how I broke our work cats water bowl last night by knocking over a step latter with my butt. I grabbed the book from the closet not paying attention in to anything in the walk in closet we have.
Then walked out and handed her the book. She laughs and I just think she finds it funny that I destroyed the cats bowl. When I turn around the character from scream was standing in the fucking closet. I automatically freaked out and punched it in the face. Rather than nope-ing the fuck out of there like I should have.
Turns out it was my client playing a joke on me. I gave her a black eye. And had to write an incident report on it. I feel like a totally assshat.
TL;DR- I went to work, punched vulnerable scream face in the face. Turned out to be my poor client playing a joke on me.
camburgler: hahahaha. hard to blame you, i think the majority of people would have had the same reaction
Idunpunchedup: I felt so bad. I was like... "This is so illegal. I hope I don't get fired." But I doubt my boss will blame me. Hopefully.
Gman325: As someone who works in a similar field, I would be far more afraid of licensing and state agencies than my boss over something like this...
Idunpunchedup: Oh I know it. I don't think I'd be the one in trouble as much as the girl who allowed her to hide in the closet to scare me. My company doesn't tend to have a lot of issues with people in our homes so hopefully it's not a big issue. Meetings with the Feds are scary.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1410238996 | 1410295157 | t3_2fvppn | t5_2to41 | 293 | boros_charm: TIFU by fucking my best friend one time too many
This actually just happened this weekend. So I(F) was at the home of one of my best friends who I also regularly have sex with. He works nights so his schedule has him waking up in the afternoon. This day he was off though and I went and woke him up with sex. (I have a key to his house)
So everything is fairly normal. We have sex. I jump into the shower. He goes downstairs to do whatever. We're going to head out soon to a party another friend is having.
I get out of the shower and call down stairs to him,
Me: "Hey, I'm going to stay here tonight since we're all going to be out late." (Note: we've been doing this for like 12 years now, we're *well* past the point of asking 'can I' in this relationship)
Him: *stumbling "Are you sure? Don't you have work to do tomorrow?"
That's kind of odd since he's always asking me to stay. But he's known for doing odd things at times. So jokingly (really, I don't actually mean a word of this) I retort;
Me: "Oh I see how it is. You fuck me then throw me out into the street. I'll remember that come Christmas."
And I proceed to walk down stairs in nothing but a button down flannel shirt drying my hair in a towel to find him in the kitchen with the girl he's been trying to woo for a few weeks now. A girl I had really hoped he would start dating because I actually liked her.
1st_lurker: So what did she stop by while you were showering?
He's an idiot for answering the door.
Today HE Fkd Up
boros_charm: She walked into the house at exactly the moment I was getting out of the shower, or near as I can tell.
He leaves the door unlocked for the most part unless he's sleeping since his house is Grand Central Station to our friend group. There's a second building on the property we've turned into our hang out spot, but it has no water and hence no bathroom. That's why two other people, one being myself, have a key.
She came with another one of our good friends, the other key holder, who thought nothing of just coming into the house as is the norm.
Even if he had let her in he really couldn't have anticipated the timing would happen that way.
1st_lurker: Well...everything happens for a reason.
I'd keep fucking him if I were you. Might as well!
boros_charm: I plan to. Probably forever.
Ges_Who: I am so confused about what kind of friend/person you are.
whitebean: I think the takeaway of this TIFU is that OP is also confused about this friendship.
boros_charm: Not in the least. This is how it's been for twelve years and will probably be so forever.
AngelicKitty: You mean, until he finds a girl he truly cares about. Don't be *that girl* lol.
boros_charm: If he could find a sane, educated, employed woman to have a long term relationship with, I would be thrilled. I would probably petition the state to create a national holiday memorializing the occasion.
But that hasn't happened in 12 years. And as we climb in age, his odds get less and less.
AngelicKitty: > If he could find a sane, educated, employed woman
It sounds like you make all his decisions. Somehow I feel like it would be impossible for him to find one and those girls are smart to stay far away.
boros_charm: If I made all his decisions, he wouldn't have been married to an un-medicated crazy person for 18 months that was the opposite of what I listed.
Since when is being sane, educated, and employed really such a high bar to obtain? All the other girls in our group have managed to get there.
AngelicKitty: No, you're misunderstanding what I'm trying to say. Basically, you need to butt out of his life because you're not his mother. Of course we all want those same characteristics. Who doesn't want a sane, educated, and employed SO? Everyone, duh. I'm not saying he shouldn't look for that. What I'm saying is, it's not up to you to decide who is all of those things and who is "perfect" for him. You're overstepping your boundaries and the sad part is, he allows it. Hence my statement about good women being smart to stay away from him. No one in their right mind will come near a man who is fucking his best friend or has a best friend who is practically another girlfriend. Duh, right?
boros_charm: If he asks me, I'm going to tell him what I think of her. I'm not sure why that fact that I'm sleeping with him automatically means I don't want him to find a good woman. He's a friend, that I also sleep with. I wish all the same characteristics in the women any of my friends date.
From a woman's point of view, why on earth would you not give the guy who can maintain a 12 year relationship a chance? Would you rather go date those other guys who can't keep it together past the three month mark?
AngelicKitty: A 12 year relationship with who? You? His so called "friend"? No, thanks. Pass.
mallopotamus: Exactly. I wouldn't touch that with a 100 ft. pole. I'm not necessarily against the general arrangement they have, but she is most certainly butting in and trying to control his "non-platonic" life. And her answers reek of her trying to keep him for herself.
boros_charm: Um. No. But thanks for playing
| 17 | 17.235294 | |
1410238362 | 1410245042 | t3_2fvovc | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU, by trying to help a friend
Today or should I say tonight I fucked up by trying to help my friend sell his car before he goes back to his home country. We went to the location to do the meet up and everything went well the buyers wanted to buy it for 2000 we wanted 2200 so we wanted to think it over. My friend who just worked a double shift was tired so I wanted to drive him home. As I drive him I hit the curb with the back wheel and the transmission got fucked.
He explained to me that it wasn't my fault but I know it is and now I need to get it fixed before Sunday so we can sell it.
College kid with debt now with extra debt! Looks like my wedding will need to be put on hold.
ReferenceMaster: If you are insisting on paying for the damage and the transmission needs to be replaced, you might be better off just cutting him a check for $2k and scrapping the car. Transmissions can easily cost $1500-2000 and if there is any other damage you might eclipse what you were hoping to get for the car in the first place.
NightSage: I wish I could do that, I'm running around to find out how to solve this issue in 4 days.
I got 1k to my name right now and my paycheck isn't until next week. I should get some rest but I need to solve this problem.
lunderdeamon: Go take a break, drink a beer or what ever you do to relax, try your best to not think about it. In an hour or so, come back and start thinking with a clear clam mind.
Maybe that will help, if not sorry man
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410217631 | 1410320619 | t3_2fuqyj | t5_2to41 | 5 | NeverHadChikFilA: TIFU by playing League of Legends
Alright, I was playing League of Legends at my aunts house, get all queued up, champ select is over, loading screen starts, and then I notice that someone is taking awhile. I seize the opportunity and go to grab a Gatorade. To get to the kitchen in that house, you walk from the living room, through the "man cave" (where the Xbox is), and into the kitchen. As I'm walking into the man cave, I look over on the couch, there's my brother slappin' his salami. We're not even in our own damn house, and there he is, donger ablaze to some porn. All I can mutter is "Dude...."... He tried to play it off as he was scratching. I >totally< believe he was scratching with his dong hanging out his shorts.
*TL;DR: Played League, went to get Gatorade, some floppy wiener in my face like a Game of Thrones episode
camburgler: i thought it was gonna be my same feelings of hating my life after i lose 90% of my ranked games. this sounds much worse.
NeverHadChikFilA: it was. im a straight male who don't need no dong in his life.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410240244 | 1410241209 | t3_2fvrc8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Eastcoastpal: TIFU by "over connecting" with the job interviewer
I was told that the key to having a good and successful interview is to connect/relate with the job interviewer. So today, after I did some research on the company and I looked up the profile of my interviewer, I went into the job interview. Towards the end of the interview, I looked her in the eyes, smiled, and nodded my head in agreement with her, on how my previous work experience is similar to her company. That made her uncomfortable, because shortly afterwards she lean back on her chair, crossed her arms and gave me a cold stare. Than she got up and said "let me see if anyone wants to interview you". She left the room and two male jr employees came in to interview me. I think I "over connected" with her and made her think I was a lesbian. I am not a lesbian btw. I just f-ed up a job interview I really need. fml
Edited: better discription of her body language
Eastcoastpal: Should I email her and say "sorry I made you uncomfortable. I did not mean to do it. I was just overly enthusiastic about the job."
Yes, I really need that job.
zuni_: No, addressing that you made her uncomfortable will only make her more uncomfortable. Send a nice, professional 'thank you for your time and consideration' email to all of the interviewers. And the rest is out of your control.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410240739 | 1410283919 | t3_2fvrx6 | t5_2to41 | 556 | kit_carlisle: TIFU by reading my girlfriend's texts while on our vacation.
TODAY I fucked up. This all went down this weekend/this morning. Pardon the longevity of the post, but I think background is important. I'm now 30. Met a girl at a conference a while back and we started being exclusive in April. It's a long distance relationship but we get along great, Skype a couple times a week, go and visit each other twice a month. Awesome. We make plans to take a vacation together in Puerto Rico to celebrate my 30th birthday.
We make plans and meet up mid-day in San Juan on Thursday. She says she's tired because she was up late last night getting some last minute work done for her business (she runs a very successful Etsy shop), she didn't even shower she was so rushed. So Thursday is relaxed, we see a couple sights in Old San Juan, fool around in the hotel room, beautiful dinner. Friday is my birthday, so the day starts with breakfast and a nice card and more foolishness. We travel to another part of the island, check out some waterfalls, a splendid time is had.
Saturday is a beach day. Here's where the story picks up. While at the beach in the morning she sits down next to me and says that she's sorry, but she just doesn't think the relationship is going to last and wants to call it off. She wanted to go on this trip to give it one last go, but alas. We got along great, but are very different people... so I'm not surprised by this, as we're both looking for something very permanent and this probably wasn't it. We make a pact that we'll continue a very fun vacation with the understanding that at the end of it we'll part ways amicably. Saturday is AWESOME. Best sex in ages, best conversation since we started dating.
Sunday is the complete opposite. She turns into a mega-bitch and just snarls at every thing I say. I can't figure it out, it's like something snapped and I confront her about it. She says I've been wearing her down, and she can't take it any longer. I call bullshit, and we end up having a heart to heart that turns out great. We both end up asking all the questions we wanted to know about each other. She asks me what I saw in her at first, I ask her if she's ever cheated on anyone, I get the same question in return. Obviously the answer is no for both. We head to bed after shedding the bad blood and the night's great.
**Monday** (today) morning while cuddled up in bed, her phone rings with a text msg from a name I didn't know. I FUCK UP and read the text, it's from an author friend of hers. She had sent him a picture of herself reading his latest book on the beach on Saturday... I continue reading previous texts and find out that she had to convince him not to fly to Puerto Rico to meet up with her (...) for the weekend, his very lengthy apology about talking in his sleep, and what a wonderful time he had... on Wednesday night.
I blew up. I left the girl bawling in a parking lot in Old San Juan this morning after publicly browbeating her for almost 30 minutes.
TL;DR - Girlfriend fucked another guy the night before our vacation, didn't even shower, and joined up with me in Puerto Rico later that day.
Burt-ReynoldsMudButt: You didn't fuck up. you were the proper amount of nosy to keep yourself from going deeper and farther with someone who clearly didn't deserve you @wink wink@ meant that how it sounded too
-Isaac: This basically ^
Yeah thats not really a fuck up on your part IMO.
oldschooI: If anything the girlfriend fucked up.
spaceofwaste: Yeah! You're a catch and she fucked up, you can and will do better. Fuck her.
narayans: Not anymore, he won't.
| 6 | 92.666667 | |
1410239728 | 1410271617 | t3_2fvqno | t5_2to41 | 11 | justtoventimadethis: TIFU By getting a surprise
This girl and I have been talking for a few weeks, texting throughout the day, she sent me some nudes, you get it. Problem is, she always had a boyfriend and didn't want to cheat. She knew she was going to end it before she met me, but she didn't, yet. Yesterday, she texts me at like 9 at night and asks if she can come over. She ended up just breaking up with her boyfriend and getting into a huge fight. Some cuddling on the couch leads us back to my bedroom. So we start the foreplay kissing each other all over, then I head south. Now that I think about it, she was very hesitant for me to be down there - I could tell from some body language, but I'm fantastic at eating pussy, so I can't resist another rug to munch up. I go down on her for a few minutes which leads to her orgasming and me being completely suffocated while she squeezed my head like an old filled up balloon that had wilted a bit but just won't pop.
She comes over tonight and we are back on the couch and she stops and has to tell me something. Turns out she has had herpes since birth because her mom had them when she gave birth to her. To note, she was very clean and there were no bumps or sores. She said she has had two flare ups in her entire life.
The best part about this? I'm actually a virgin. I've never had sex, but I've done my fair amount of oral sex and fooled around.
So, here I am, the virgin with herpes. I guess it's time to actually get tested.
TLDR; Virgin got herpes.
peaweav: Couple things here: Firstly, yes go get tested immediately. There should be a free clinic in your area. Just google it. I'm not 100% on this (but this is reddit so someone more knowledgeable should be along shortly), but I think it is somewhat more difficult to get herpes when the person is not experiencing an outbreak at the time of intercourse or oral. Secondly, if I were you, I would consider whether or not this is someone you should really be interested in to begin with. It is unclear from your post whether she was sending you nudes WHILE she had a boyfriend or after. Sounds like WHILE she was with him. So you already have some insight into what she considers loyalty/ fidelity. I would not be comfortable with my SO sending someone nudes. But that is your call. Also, I realize that it is difficult to tell someone that you have an STD. But she should have told you. Period. Especially when it's a more serious infection like "the friend that keeps on giving."
justtoventimadethis: Honestly, I wasn't interested in her more than someone to have on the side in the first place, obviously this new news changes things.
But yes, from the research I did in my panic last night, it seems really harder to get it when someone isn't in an outbreak.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410230616 | 1410257220 | t3_2fvdb4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Ajsriracha: TIFU by getting head on Labor Day
Context:
I live in sunny southern California and on Labor day most people are grilling, hanging out at the beach, or out on a date with their significant other. The point is everyone is outside. (trust me this is important)
I was on okcupid a couple weeks before and came across a girl, lets call her "Stacy". Now if you are not familiar with OkCupid it is a dating app and site that allows a user to create a profile and stalk, I mean talk to potential people that they want to have sex with, I mean grow an lasting relationship with.
Now, I convinced Stacy to go out with me on Labor Day and telling from our late night sexting escapades I was pretty sure things were gonna get weird. I am still a gentleman, so I took her out on a proper date. I took her to the beach, dinner, and a romantic view. This story begins around midnight at that view...
The Story:
I drove her to a view in my hometown that I had taken other girls before and it always seemed to be a panty dropper. The city lights acted as mood lighting and the team of guys rolling their faces off usually provided some very romantic trap to add some ambiance. We arrived at the view around midnight and as usual there was a bundle of bros hangin' and blastin' some trap. We got out of my car and went to one of the many benches there, we sat and looked out on the view, but we both knew what we were there for. So, as we proceeded to unceremoniously start making out, which was surprisingly loud, the batch of bros got the hint and left. After a good hour and a couple of bases rounded there were no people coming anytime soon for the foreseeable future. So with that I summoned the courage to ask for a first date beej. Yes, a first date beej, the stuff they don't write about in history books, but fucking should. I am almost sure every president has had a first date beej, its imperative in order to run this country. Politics aside, I asked and I received. Unfortunately like many men of our generation and few of the past, I suffer from a rampant disorder affecting our young male population called "Death Grips". Pretty much I cant ejac unless you have the grip of Ivan Drago and my dick is Rocky's face. Basically, you gotta work the body, and swing for the head. After about a half an hour of what I am considering starting my memoirs with "I remember my first, first date beej." I just couldn't nut. So, growing restless Stacy oiled up her mits and went in for the twelve rounds. I was loving life, getting a vigorous handy while watching the city lights flicker in the distance, I am pretty sure this was how every Marvin Gaye song was written. Until I felt a strong beam of light hit my face. I like many stoners can distinguish a police spotlight from a mile away, I was pretty much fucked. I had my pants around my ankles, dick out, and hitting a mean vinegar strokes face when the cop spotted us. I quickly turned to Stacy and told her to put her tits away. I heard the cops door open and shut at that point, and all I had time to do was put my peen away. He stayed about a good 15 feet away from the bench and shined his flashlights at us asking " You know this park is closed right?" we plead ignorance until the cop gave up and let us leave. Things got difficult here because I still had the problem of having to pick up my pants, so I pretended to drop something on the floor and pulled my pants up as I stood up to pick up what "I dropped". I didn't have time to zip and button so I just tucked the flaps into the elastic band of my underwear and hoped for the best. I walked carefully to the car so as to not destroy the structural integrity of my make shift suspenders. We got into the car and pulled away. About 1/4 of a mile away the cops left our tail, we looked at each other and busted out laughing. It was great, she took the situation very well, but I was still rockin' a full fear chub. You don't just rub the lamp and not get the Genie. So, I asked if she could finish what she started, but she said no and left me with the gnarest of blue balls imaginable. Now I haven't masturbated or cummed in a week since then so that I can cure these death grips so that next time the cops come, I will at least have got my nut.
TL;DR, couldn't cum, Got caught by a cop getting a first date beej, got the gnarest of blueballs.
-Isaac: Ah man that was a good read, haha goodjob getting away with it!
Ajsriracha: Thanks! It still amazes me a week later.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410242610 | 1410467243 | t3_2fvu1p | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking a girl gave me a fake number and how I woke up in a pink waterbed [NSFW?]
This FU happened my senior year in high school, and being your run-of-the-mill 17 year old, I was on the hunt for a mate from the opposite sex.
This takes us to my Spanish Native Speaker class, which out of all 5 of my classes, was the majority shareholder in My Type of Women, Inc. Out of the approximate 20 girls in the class, 16 met and exceeded my standards for personality, looks, and attitude. Which were "does she have a pussy?" "does she have a pussy?" and "does she have a pussy?" So when I get seated next to this flat-assed, flat-chested pale hippie who doesn't brush her hair, I think, "OK." So after a couple of weeks we know each other somewhat. We are exact opposites of each other. Where she is an environmentalist I am an industrialist and where I am for black she is for white on basically every count.
Now, at this point in my life I really enjoyed difficult women, a strange fetish for which I still have no explanation. Whenever a woman was "not having it" or was frustrated most of the time, my little Django would become unchained, and relentlessly hunt her Broomhilda. So naturally, seeing as me and "V" never saw eye to eye on anything, she was a perfect fit for everything below the waist.
I work up the nerve to ask for her number, and after about 1 week of wusses out and near misses, I catch her walking to lunch and begin talking to her.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Listen, I think you're pretty cute and I'd like your number."
"Oh, OK. I've been wondering if you like me back for a while now."
"Oh, really?" (UGHHYEAHGREYSHIRTWINS)
"Yeah, give me your phone."
So yeah, I feel pretty good, I think "Oh yeah I'll wait a day just to make her more excited for my Dartanian." So about a day and a half passes and I text her some stupid little joke, and I am met with utter confusion on the other end of the line. I ask if its V, and the guy in the other end immediately lets sympathy pour out, with bro text after bro text telling me it'll be fine (2 texts total). I'm not that bummed but I am pretty bummed. So for the rest of the year I don't talk to her and I avoid her and such, but she always keeps looking at me, confused. I knew in my gut it wasn't pity stares, but I didn't know why she would look confused. I ignore it.
The end of the year comes around, and the seats in my Spanish class are rearranged, putting me and her next to each other again. I'm a month and a half away from graduation, and I plan in leaving the state the second after I walk. So after a couple if days of silence we begin to talk. She comments on a book I'm reading and I give her shortstick answers, still a little bitter about the number thing. She gradually eases into me until finally I get into it and we start talking again. Its all cool and we actually get along again, but its nothing that big.
Its a week away from Graduation, and in my school seniors don't attend the last week all the other grades have to attend, so its my last day, and I'm sitting in my Spanish class talking to V.
"You know, I'm gonna miss you, you're really fun to talk to," she says.
Never once had either if us brought up the phone thing, mind you. I still want to try my hand at getting in this girl so I invite her to my graduation party, the all-friends-no-family-lets-die one. She agrees and I giver her the address and time and everything and let the week pass by.
The party comes around, and I've completely forgotten about V. I'm pumped for the night itslef. The plan was for us to all go to a downtown restaurant to eat, where we would also pick up the drinks on the way home from my acquaintance named, I shit you not, Jinx. After having the wild party life at the 50's Diner (sarcasm) we hit up Jinx for the drinks. I ride in the car with him, which is actually a funny little TIFU on its own, but anyways we get what we need and head to my friend D's house. We get there and among the people waiting is V, looking as fucking good as a flat hippie can look, and thence we commence the party.
Its a good time and everything is going well, usual party stuff and things you can expect from your friends when you're leaving the state. "I'll miss you" s "I wish I had gotten to you you better" s and the like, when later on after the Calvin Harris album was over (or I thought it was Calvin Harris) I went into my friends bedroom to find the Drake album, you know, the intellectual stuff, when V comes into the room, drunk as the house, and closes the door behind her.
"Why did you never text me?"
What.
"I thought you gave me a fake number."
I love the honesty only alcohol can give us.
"No, I gaaave you the right number, Greyshirt."
"There was a guy at the other e-"
Well she was in top of me. I don't really know how I got to the bed but whatever I'm on it. We start making out and going at each other like wild angry geese until it evolves into, you guessed it, sex.
My performance was a 6.
Hers was a 7.
Pretty good.
After we are done with the deed she lays back in the bed and trys to go to sleep whilst I continue partying. Eventually I go back to the room and decide to sleep with her, she's still naked and I lie down next to her.
The room starts spinning, and I realize that I'm alive.
Next thing I know, it's daylight and I'm covered in puke. I'm not sure if it was the sound of V puking or of it was the impact that woke me, but either way, I found my way back from oblivion to a hot pink mess. The chain reaction begins, and I run to the bathroom to try and puke in the toilet, catching my projectile in my hands until I reach the toilet, at which time the tank is mostly empty and on the hallway floor. V quickly dresses and leaves, leaving the mess to me and my friends.
I still didn't get her number.
TL;DR: Fucked her. She threw up on me.
GilbertCode: This story is so fake. You're telling me you have 20 girls in your class and 4 don't have a pussy?
ZombieDrums: The 4 must have been dog owners instead
KatzOfficial: Hey dad, what are you doing here?
ZombieDrums: Trying to be cool, son.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1410243278 | 1410266802 | t3_2fvuqp | t5_2to41 | 6 | CUNTASAURUS_REX: TIFU by trying to hit on a pharmacist
A few days ago I was doing errands before driving out to an overnight party. I was pretty confident as I already had a date to hang out with at the party a though she lives out of state so it was really just hanging out
So I pick up paper plates, some fire wood, get gas, and remember my pharmacy had left me a voicemail to pick it a prescription. So I go to the pharmacy drive thru.
This mid 20s gorgeous girl is behind the window and asks me what I need etc. I get my prescription refill, she asks me if I have any questions on how to use it. I laughed and said I'm pretty sure I know how to use it, as I had been getting this stuff for several months now. Finecia and hydroxizine, a cream to prevent red blotchy areas on t section of your face and the hydroxzine is an anti itch sedative to help sleep, for when I had a brief eczema flare up over winter.
Anyway the girl goes "oh so you're telling me you're a pharmacist?" Which I laughed at and thanked her. I was not expecting her to be playful and after I parked to put my cards back in my wallet I thought she must have been flirting with me. Too late though, so I put on my Gunther and The Sunshine Girls playlist on Spotify and sang Teeny Weeny String Bikini on my way home.
I was getting ready to go to the party but realized I probably fucked up by not flirting back with the pharmacist, it was 830 and I figured they closed at 9 so I got in my car and drove back, after writing my name and number on a slip of paper for her.
When I pulled in a different girl was working the window. She asked what I needed and I told her I was looking for the girl who was at the drive the about 20 minutes ago. She asked me who but I had no idea what the girls name was so she grabbed another girl and I was like no it wasn't her. By now the 2 girls were very confused and asked what I needed. I told them I was trying to get the girls number who I just talked to. I said she was about 25, they thought it was someone else who had already left so I put my info in the drive thru slot and asked them to give it to her when she came in tomorrow. Then they realized I was probably talking about a younger girl, and went and grabbed her.
The girl looked concerned and asked what I needed. The other 2 left now btw as they probably knew a train wreck was about to happen. I told the pharmacist that on my way home I realized I might not be using my prescription correctly and asked if she would want to get together some time and show me how to use it and pointed to the slot where I had already deposited my number. She said she would call me and I said goodbye and left.
As I was leaving I immediately realized how bad that sounded, as it would have been approiate if I used that line on the spot when she asked. But the fact it took me 20 minutes to think of and had to drive back to use it made it the unsexiest pickup line ever used. I am not expecting any phone calls from her.
In a way though, I feel relieved that that was probably the worst thing I will ever say in my entire life. Still went to party and got some, but am now seriously thinking about switching pharmacies.
TL;DR asked hot pharmacist if she wanted to get together to show me how to use my dermatitis cream
ZeeyardSA: experience something you get only after you need it!
Medic_guy: Yep, experience is a catch-22. It can be a bitch.
ZeeyardSA: Never, its awesome once you have it. this poor dude never knew that he should strike when the iron is hot. Now that he knows i hope he never makes the same mistake again
CUNTASAURUS_REX: I have struck in other situations, just this one I went complete brainfart
ZeeyardSA: dont let beauty dazzle you, she must have given some dude before you shit
| 6 | 1 | |
1410246469 | 1410393692 | t3_2fvy22 | t5_2to41 | 9 | serpentwhistler: TIFU by asking for help in identifying a snake
Had my wife not seen it she might have stepped on it. Five out of six people identified it as a rattlesnake, including me. One of our friends identified it as a gophersnake. I asked /r/snakes, members of which berated me for trying to kill the snake.
The more I defended myself, the deeper the hole I dug. Ultimately, the need to erase the thought outweighed the need to defend myself, and I deleted the query.
How does an honest question become such a mess?
sykonaut92: If I see a snake and it seems to be minding it's own business, I'm leaving it alone, but if it looks like it's going to attack then I'm killing the snake, fuck that.
Crotalus: Rattlesnakes don't "attack" you unless you're food.
serpentwhistler: Not exactly. A buddy of mine was hiking one day in AZ. Up ahead of him on the trail he spotted a rattlesnake. The snake showed signs of aggression. My friend responded defensively. Even throwing rocks at the beast did not dissuade the snake from advancing toward my friend.
Not all rattlesnakes are scaredy cats. The only good rattlesnake is a dead rattlesnake.
Crotalus: So if your friend walks up on a snake, that then sits there and gives warning not to come closer, and then your friend starts *throwing rocks* at it instead of just walking away, that's a "snake attack"?
Yes, they'll defend themselves when attacked. Your friend could just walk away, but it sound like he did what a lot of men do who can't just leave shit alone, and chose to prolong the situation. If your friend told you that the snake was laying on the trail and just came after him, he's lying to you.
serpentwhistler: Maybe the rattlesnake was really hungry.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1410251514 | 1410316985 | t3_2fw2ot | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally ejaculating on a stranger in college.
Hey guys.
A couple of weeks ago I decided to try this Nofap thing. In case you don't know what it is, check out r/nofap. You basically stop watching porn and jacking off in order to improve your life.
Anyways, yesterday I couldn't resist the urges. I live in Sweden, and in my campus I see hot chicks everywhere.. So to calm myself down, I had to fap so I could be relaxed and focus more on my studies in the library. So I went to the bathroom and brought my phone so I could watch some porn while I was fapping
I sat down on the toilet seat and started to fap. When I was about to cum, I stood up and aimed at the door. Just when I was gonna shoot my load, a cute blonde girl opens the door (I forgot to lock the door.... fml) and I came a HUGE load on her blouse and her skirt.
She yelled at me, saying: "WHAT THE FUCK!? YOU FUCKING CREEP!" And slammed the door, and ran away.
Fuck my life guys... I don't know what to do. I really hope the word doesn't go around.
Edit: Damn.. I just got a text message from a friend about the situation. It turns out that he knows what happened and that he actually knows the girl.
TheJizzBot: Who just opens a toilet door without knocking?
Zachyboi: Well, I forgot to lock the door. So I guess she just asumed that no one was there.
TheJizzBot: I dunno bro if your furiously beating the sausage why would you not lock the door? And how could she not hear you goin at it?
Zachyboi: I was in a hurry bro. I was horny as fuck and I had a class in like 15 minutes. And Im kinda used to not locking my door, since I've lived alone in like 2 years now.
5unbr0: Sounds like bs. Trying too hard.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1410251581 | 1410263659 | t3_2fw2qr | t5_2to41 | 5 | DoctorBlueBox5: TIFU by dousing my mom's garden
mist_opportunity: And this is what's called "a shitpost"
Skylord_Aaron: Indeed
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410122647 | 1410292038 | t3_2fqx93 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Quietjedai: TIFU by forgetting my debit card.
Rolled a monday.
This morning I woke up and stumbled through my morning routine and ordered a taxi to pick me up for work.
Taxi shows up 6:10am in the wrong driveway...trip goes fine until we reach my work and I realise my card is still in my shirt at home. Curse and ask how to pay when my pay pass tab fails...get driven to nearby shops to use carless cash to get $40 out.
Take the trip again to work and pay $38 for the trip.
Fack!!
EDIT: Later realised the paypass tab was a fault on his end with the EFTPOS modem.
TLDR;
Forgot card, paid taxi driver too much.
ayoantony: The question is, did you smoke the Monday and roll a Tuesday?
Quietjedai: Tuesday turned out pretty good.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410254595 | 1410302190 | t3_2fw5b7 | t5_2to41 | 237 | Chuckaluffagus: TIFU by losing my home, job, wife, and car.
My wife left me for my friend, took my son with her. Won't let me see him. Due to the shit that went down, I was late to work and lost my job. My wife usually balances the bills, so when I get home, eviction notice on my door.
Worst day ever.
How did this happen? My wife worked at a grocery store, doing overnights. She began getting close with a married man working there (and his wife worked there too.) I found out, we fought, she told me she was going to leave me for him. He turned her down, so she left me for one of my friends.
A few months ago my phone broke, and since money was tight, we shared a phone. My schedule was on her phone. Without a phone to call and find out my shift, or to call in, I walked to work (she took the car, too.) I explained to my boss what happened, and she told me it was one time too many. Fired.
Got home, eviction notice on the door. My wife had apparently been stashing money from our bank account into one she opened, and she took all our bill money for the last few months and used it to leave.
How did I fuck up? It all started when I got drunk the night before my son was born. It was also the night my phone broke.
It was my best friends bachelor party, and my wife called. I go to call her back, and my friend screams, "BRO CODE MOTHER FUCKER," and slaps my phone into a puddle. We fight, I head back to the hotel, pass out, wake up to my friends banging on the door. My wife's mom called all my friends trying to find me.
I missed the birth of my son.
PM-YOUR-SECRETS: Your fuck up of over a year ago is irrelevant. Your wife is now screwing you over, don't sit there and just take it.
- Get a lawyer. Now. Look one up online, don't delay it, call one now. Open google and type in divorce lawyer + your area. Call that guy right now.
- Apply for some new job next. Have some interviews set up. Jobless dads dont get custody.
- The eviction and money transfer are net loss. Take them and reboot your life. Start with calling that lawyer.
XWing-Pilot: Do this as fast as possible!!!!
TXhype: LIKE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!!!!!
flamedrace: LIKE BEFORE YOUR LOSE INTERNET ACCESS.
EndlessKillz: WE AREN'T KIDDING.
Vashiebz: I'm sorry for your loss but don't take this lying down Op! You can get back on top.
aquias27: But you must take action now!
| 8 | 29.625 | |
1410248588 | 1410312054 | t3_2fw06a | t5_2to41 | 21 | madeyouangry: TIFU by scratching my dog
Ok, not a biggie but this just happened.
So I'm redditing as usual and I feel my small dog come next to me and I absent-mindedly reach down and start scratching her chest as I often do.
Except it wasn't her chest. I look down and realise I'm giving her butthole and vag a nice tickling.
balLZ112: How?
madeyouangry: Well, she's half pug, so her tail goes straight up back over her back and her behind is at the same level as her chest.
| 3 | 7 | |
1410254518 | 1410279337 | t3_2fw595 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by maybe implying that a girl I really, really wanted to bone had family ties to Mengele...
Backstory: Gorgeous Teutonic-in-the-best-way blonde girl, totally Americanized as far as accent and everything goes, reveals that she's from Argentina, starts talking about how different it is growing up there and then going to college in the US. She began talking about her parents (her father is childhood friends with Pope Francis), then her grandparents. Her grandfather started a small ranch out in the middle of nowhere and ended up doing rather well at the whole ranching thing.
I ask what he did in Germany (his name is (still alive) Kraut Von Something, it seemed logical) before he...left in a hurry after suffering some misfortunes...
And two minutes later I realize that, regarding my fantasy of banging her ever becoming a reality, that U-Boat has sailed.
DildoMissile: His name was kraut? really? the slur used during ww2 was his name?
trxarc: I assume OP meant "Graf von XYZ" not Kraut :>
It could sound familiar.
lord_sherlock_holmes: I would have assumed OP meant "Kraus" not Graf, if he meant something else.
| 4 | 1 | |
1410263602 | 1410309293 | t3_2fwdqo | t5_2to41 | 10 | nsfwgonewildwarning: Please read if you like posting "pictures" because TIFU!!
TIFU.... OKso several months ago I did.
Ok... so I just started a new screen name. Gonewild is fun ad long as all the other subreddits, but if you don't want your pictures literally EVERYWHERE, DO NOT POST! I WAS ONLY POSTING TO REDDIT AND NOW MY PICS ARE EVERYWHERE AND ON SITES EVERYWHERE and if I type in my username even though it had been deleted it comes up in a lot of other sites ad well. Do a Google image search with you username and see if it has happened tto you. I ONLY POSTED TO REDDIT and now they are on 10+ other sites, even after I deleted the reddit posts, pics, deleted from imgur and cancelled tthat account. Just warning. If you don't care if your pictures get taken, have fun posting! I'll just enjoy everyone else's! :)
a7h13f: As a general rule, if you post something on the Internet, it's going to be on the Internet forever. There are no takebacksies.
nsfwgonewildwarning: Actually ..... there are apparently takebacksies!! I just found out yesterday that the stuff I posted on Reddit is being used on other sites and I've already had quite a bit removed! So now, instead of a LOT of pictures of me there is now only a handful! But it did take quite a bit of work to do. I already knew that it was bound to happen, I just couldn't believe how many websites picked up on them in just a short short time!
a7h13f: Awesome that you're able to get it taken down! You may be able to do a reverse image search and see if there are any other sites hosting the image, if you haven't tried already
nsfwgonewildwarning: I've found a lot of the sites by my old SN.... I don't know if that's what you mean by "reverse image search". But yes, it is pretty cool that I've had a lot of them removed already. I had a LOT of pictures floating around and now I'm down to 2 sites with just a few pictures ....
a7h13f: If you're using Google Chrome, you can right click on the image and select "search google for this image"
You can also drag and drop an image onto [google image search](http://images.google.com/imghp?hl=en) to search for that image online.
nsfwgonewildwarning: So I did just that and did find just a couple more additional sites.... it was actually really easy to have one if them remove my stuff today. I just got lucky! I'm on a roll with getting this done!
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1410263156 | 1410296538 | t3_2fwd8z | t5_2to41 | 54 | Dont_overthink_it: TIFU by destroying lifes on the doorstep.
Dear Reddit, last week I fucked up terribly. I'm in college and work as delivery guy for and Italian restaurant on the side. I was making a pizza delivery at an apartment wednesday night. A man opens the door in a pink bathrobe. 'Nice robe' I say. He grins and replies: 'thanks man'. He pays me and I leave.
So, last friday my girlfriend of 4 months tells me she's going to her parents for the weekend and the moment I've dreaded for a long time has arrived. She wants me to come along and meet her parents. "Don't be scared babe, they'll *love* you". I yield.
Saturday afternoon. I'm pretty nervous as we walk up to the house, I'm dressed in my nicest casual clothes, got them flowers for the mother figure. We rang the bell, and the door opens. (Y'all can smell this one coming, obviously.) It's the mother figure, and the Pink robe man. Me being the dense motherfucker that I am, exclame as an idiot: Hey, pink robe man! Girlfriend and motherfigure are flustered, so I tell them of the encounter, grinning about this funny coincidence. Meanwhile Pink robe man's head has turned *purple*. It takes a full few seconds for the mum's face to turn in to a silent thundercloud, as the severity of the situation starts to dawn to me. She then shakes my hand and introduces herself *like nothing happened*. My girlfriend avoids eye contact with me, her dad avoids eye contact with her mom during the most awkard half hour of my life. After half an hour of terrible small talk my SO says that we "have to leave".
In the car she tells me how her dad was caught cheating once before and it nearly destroyed their marriage.
She still hasn't talked to her parents yet. I feel like I'm off to a really good start. ^not.
Roben9: For those that aren't seeming to quite grasp what occurred here we go. OP delivered a pizza to an apartment on Wednesday night and met Pink Robe. Later that week OP went to meet his GFs parents at their house. He once again met Pink Robe, who turns out to be GFs dad. Turns out that OP caught Pink Robe, possibly, cheating and unwittingly outed him in front of everyone.
smjpilot: moral of the story: If you're out cheating, don't be the one answering the door for pizza.
Roben9: Or do it in your own house?
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1410267288 | 1410405233 | t3_2fwibj | t5_2to41 | 44 | todayireallyfu: TIFU by making my boyfriend puke after sex.
I was on my period and has a weak stomach. I thought he could handle it, but when he saw blood on his hand/penis he freaked out and threw up. I don't think we'll be doing that again.
BartyB: It doesn't bother me when my girl is on her period.. Would I go down and eat it probably not.. but he needs to man up.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: I'll just be over here then...
vivkikiwi: Upvoted for appropriate username.
TitanHunter0: Upvoted for upvoting for appropriate username.
Western93: Upvoted for up voting the up voter of the appropriate username.
ladlpslr: Upvoted for..
Oh nevermind I have to stop this
Fahrowshus: upvoted for being the bigger man.
| 8 | 5.5 | |
1410267505 | 1410342923 | t3_2fwilu | t5_2to41 | 45 | castawayhanks: TIFU by telling two of my best friends something that happened when I was a kid
So I've always had very shaky hands and get very anxious very easily. People always ask but I don't talk about the story much because it tends to change how people think of me.
Today, I decided to tell two of my best friends for a number of years (both girls if it matters) about the incident. The story is basically that I had a group of 'friends' who would put me in a corner and beat the shit put of me. This messed me up socially in a couple of ways with dealing with people and making friends since I was pretty young at the time (about 10-12, it's been several years now) and didn't go to anyone for help because I didn't even understand what was really happening.
Now they're both being really awkward and whispering to each other whenever I don't pay complete attention, which is really unusual. I think either I was right about it changing people's minds or I'm just suddenly paranoid because of telling the story, but either way I'm pretty sure talking about it was a mistake.
TL;DR Told two friends I was bullied when I was young, now they're acting really weird
ihaveabeagle: Firstly, I'm sorry that had to happen to you. That's real shitty, and makes me feel sad about the world. I'm sending you virtual hugs and good feels.
As to your friends whispering, they might be whispering a plan to treat you/do something nice for you cause they feel so awful about what happened to you... if they are your good friends and you trust them and know they care about you, hopefully this is why they are acting a little strange, not because they view you any differently. Big hugs!
Pete_TopKevin_Bottom: lets not pretend it was some necessary occurrence for the world to continue spinning, it didn't have to happen. some dickheads decided to make it happen. the tides have to change, the poles have to reverse, the sun has to rise. these things have to happen, this not so much.
ihaveabeagle: Huh?
ImConfusedBot: ^ this.
| 5 | 9 | |
1410269885 | 1410273264 | t3_2fwm2v | t5_2to41 | 80 | TheJizzMeister: TIFU by entering a contest with an e-mail address that I barely use.
This is literally few minutes ago. Wow, fuck my life, I'm gonna cry.
So, the story, yes. I am a multimedia major, and there is this agency that makes banners and advertisements for road safety that made a deal with Renault the car company. The deal was creating a banner for them and the winner gets a car. All this was to motivate us, graphic designers and multimedia majors across Morocco.
So, a team from the agency toured every graphic design school in the country and explained the contest, rules, how to enter and all of that.
Now, I wasn't very interested because I am not so much into graphic design, I more into web development and animations. But, since I was bored I thought okay, I'll make something and enter for the hell of it.
Here's the fuck up, I entered while using an email address that is not my main one, an email address that I never check the inbox. I completely forgotten about the contest because the entry was back in June and I thought I just didn't win and moved on.
Few minutes ago, I logged into facebook and I noticed a message in the ''Other'' section, it was from one of the contest team, the message said that I fucking won but they gave the first prize to second place because I didn't reply to the email they sent me. I logged into my second gmail account and there it was. Sent yesterday. Asking for confirmation and to get in touch asap. FUCK.
TL;DR: I used an email address I barely check in a contest, won the first prize they gave it to second place because I didn't get in touch.
**EDIT**: This is how it went and I have no idea what kind of rules they are following but since I live in fucking Tatooine, I just won't even bother to try to understand. Tusken cunts.
The liste of the TOP 20, my name on the top was announced on the facebook official page at 10:54
I was emailed at 11:28
The new list without my name on top of the list was announced at 4:59
RyDog1210: Have you tried to get back in touch with them and explain what happened? See if you can land another job with them
TheJizzMeister: I just sent them an email back explaining my situation and now the waiting game begins.
IHatePublicToilets: Gl OP
| 4 | 20 | |
1410268085 | 1410399089 | t3_2fwjfs | t5_2to41 | 113 | KvotheArcane: TIFU by making a your-mom-joke to the wrong person
This happened a few weeks ago. Like every monday, I had judo lessons that afternoon. Our group is fairly small, so we know each other well enough to be casual and confident. One of our inside jokes is the your-mom reference, which we make at every opportunity we get (when it is raining and someone says he's soaked, we answer in unison "Not as soaked as your mom last night.". Stuff like that.)
This particular afternoon, I walked into the dojo and saw two of the guys talking, waiting for the lesson to start like always. I walked up to them and catched the words 'my mother'.
Casually I joined them saying something along the lines of "So I guess you heard about last night then. Me having fun with your mother and stuff."
I was waiting for the "f*ck you :D" response, or any acknowledgement, but one of them stared at me with open mouth and the other at the floor. I thought they misheard me, so I continued: "You know? Your mom and me? Last night? At my place? .... your mom? No?"
The guy who had been looking at the ground suddenly turned to me and mechanically said: "My mother died. Two days ago."
As these words struck me I mumbled some kind of apology and walked away, to no specific place. Your-mom-jokes have never been the same.
_infiniti_: Don't worry, back when I was in highschool I was walking down the hall and heard some kids that I was approaching. talking. I heard one of them say "She has been in the coma for 12 days now."(In regards to his mother who was in a car accident.)
This is where you take notes: I casually kept walking by them, held up my hand for a high-five. Him not knowing why subconsciously gave me a high five. As he did I said "My bad." and kept walking like a boss.
Damn I was a dick in highschool...
SkulduggeryDude: get rekt
_infiniti_: Is that a form of jargon?
SkulduggeryDude: rekt is a slang term for "wreaked" its kinda a meme
_infiniti_: Wrecked*
| 6 | 18.833333 | |
1410271620 | 1410289867 | t3_2fwoor | t5_2to41 | 6,003 | today-i-effed: TIFU by joking with a customer
I'm a cashier at a grocery store. One of my friends is a regular and we joke around a lot, usually it starts by me refusing to ring up her groceries and we have a few laughs from there.
Yesterday was a fairly busy day. I see her get in my line behind the customer I was ringing up. I finish the transaction, so my friend is next. I'm still putting money in my drawer, so without looking up I loudly say "Ma'am, we don't serve your kind here." Usually at this point my friend laughs and makes a remark right back at me, but this time there was only silence. I look up and see not my friend, but a black woman with a shocked look on her face. My heart drops into my feet and I start to apologize but she puts her basket on the floor and walks away.
The front end manager was running the next register over and saw the whole thing. I was fired on the spot. I tried to explain the situation but she just said "Punch out and leave right now."
I later found out that my friend had forgotten something and had to get out of my line. The black woman took her place. If I had looked up I would have seen.
Unemployment hearing is next Thursday.
EDIT: Gold on a throwaway account???
SirLazarus: Don't leave us in the dark, what happened next?
today-i-effed: I don't know what happens next till next Thursday during the hearing. My friend thinks that this whole thing is hilarious and is texting me black jokes so that's kinda cool I guess?
SecondTalon: No, not really.
If you want to say racist shit to your friend all the time, that's fine. Keep that shit out of the workplace.
TheSparrowStillFalls: His friend was white, it was a non-racist joke until the customer he said it to was black. Just two kids screwing around and some bad luck.
SecondTalon: Your thing have "We don't serve your kind" as ever being part of the joke?
It's racist as fuck and you keep it out of the workplace. Doesn't fucking matter if the speaker and target are friends of the same race, ethnic group and religious background, **No one else witnessing this knows that**.
thegrassygnome: WTF are you talking about? That could mean anything. It's not directly racist at all.
[deleted]: Where do you think that phrase comes from?
david-me: > We don't serve their kind here. Your droids will have to wait outside.
[deleted]: yeah it didn't originally come from star wars dude. Star wars was referencing racist segregation.
david-me: Did it come from the Norman - Saxon conflicts?
[deleted]: Do you really, really honestly honestly think that for a black american the Norman - Saxon conflicts and Star Wars are going to have as much cultural meaning as racism in the USA?
david-me: But you're Australian and preaching about racism in the US.
[deleted]: Racism is racism buddy. People dismissing it and reply with weird self-justifying comments like yours the whole world around.
david-me: I'm not dismissing it at all. I'm poking fun at you for getting your knickers in a twist.
[deleted]: Mmm. Respectfully, I think you should maybe wonder if/why you think people who take racism seriously should be ridiculed.
david-me: I'm not commenting on the racial issue. That's a given. I'm just playing with you because you're so upset. You're entertaining. I'm not ridiculing you and my comments have nothing to do with *why* you are upset, just that you are. I hope your day gets better.
[deleted]: lol, your comments about racism weren't about racism because you think it's a given that you aren't racist?
Dude.
david-me: Silly you. Reading comprehension is your friend.
[deleted]: ok smugsly, bye now.
david-me: You're too cute.
| 21 | 285.857143 |
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