start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1354159343 | 1354360696 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU: Woke up in the hospital with Alcohol Poisoning.
Today I woke up in the hospital after the worst night of drinking i have ever had. I had a buddy (who also is a coworker) invited my girlfriend and I over to his house to a party with a bunch of friends. I started the night off slow drinking Bacardi oak-heart and coke. As the night went on i finished my bottle and my buddies and i started doing shots of Bacardi 151. I am seasoned when it comes to 151, but due to my diet that i am on i had eaten next to nothing earlier so all of the alcohol went to my stomach with nothing to absorb it. I went outside to piss and felt light headed, so i sat on the front porch and took a break. Blacked out, woke up throwing up all over my shoes and jeans as well as my buddies porch. My friends came out and tried to help me stand but i was too fucked up. They started to help me walk to the car and i fell flat on my face in the yard barely missing a stepping stone. My girlfriend asked me if i was alright and in a drunken bitch tone i replied "call a fucking ambulance". I passed back out and woke up to a few trachea rubs in the ambulance given to me by a paramedic (from what i gathered they take a knuckle and grind it into the center of your chest).
I went into the ER with an IV in each arm. My girlfriend told me i kept saying that i had to piss and wouldnt get up... So they gave me a catheter... I was awake for it. Also since i was constantly throwing up they shoved a tube up my nose, thru my sinuses and down into my stomach (not sure what it was called but it fucking hurt like hell.) They cut my shirt off and ripped my pants to my ankles and for the record it was a cold night...
I woke up in a hospital bed to a large male nurse asking how i was feeling. My initial response was, "fuck... I feel like a bag of smashed assholes". The nurse laughed and told me i was lucky and stupid for doing that(i accepted his fatherly advice). He said i had alcohol poisoning and i could have died, if it was not for my GF calling an ambulance.
I had to wear the vomit covered clothes home that day and had to buy a scrub top to wear home. I left a note for the nurses thanking them for taking care of me.
My stupidity cost me roughly $4,000 +
pilvy: >My stupidity cost me roughly $4,000 +
....and this is why I love living in UK, done something rather similar but including a serious head injury...didn't cost a penny.
mochibunny: Well on the bright side, Americans don't have to pay OP's hospital bill because he was stupid...
sehkmete: If he doesn't pay, we still do. >.>
4amDREAMER: The good news is, most of his hospital bill is fluff being added to the actual cost of treating him. It sucks, but is true. So at least, if he doesn't pay, the actual loss that the hospital/American Taxpayers take is rather low, comparatively.
sehkmete: Have it happen millions of times a year and suddenly our healthcare costs are 3x to 4x higher than everyone else's.
deviantcrown: in my native country, which have probably the best public healthcare in the world, a homeless do that 3 nights a week on average, and cost to society around 30 kusd per week between ambulance / healthcare.
Beside that peoples who handle him are a bunch of benevols and professionals earning around 2000 usd / month.
And when the ambulance and first aid secours are out, going for him, they are not available for other people which may really need them.
That really piss me off to know that
OP paid $4000, and he will probably learn from that.
When everything is ''free'' people just don't give a fuck.
happlepaff: what is your native country? Because I can almost guarantee that the proportion of gross domestic product you spend on healthcare is lower than that in America.
deviantcrown: how much a country spend per GDP in global healthcare, is not something exploitable as a value.
Where does the money goes in ? structures ? equipment ? workers salaries ? drugs ?
As we are talking about end user fees while dealing with healthcare problem, the important part is to know which part of the cost is handled by gov.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_system
check the international comparison and the % of health cost paid per gov.
Also those % are not totally true, because IRL some countries (as mine) first handle the case and then ask you to pay for it (if needed) and if you can't they just do nothing.
happlepaff: >where does the money go in?
Maybe I should clarify: the percentages I'm referring to are calculated based on all spending attributed to healthcare by all parties. That is, both governmental and civilian spending on drugs, infrastructure, salaries etc (although for the end user, this is all consolidated into bills/taxes depending on where you live). Otherwise, the US would seemingly only spend a tiny amount of money on healthcare. Whether paid for by the government or by the users, that money is still going out of the larger economy, as it were.
I'm also fairly certain that pretty much everywhere they handle the case first and then charge. In the USA, for example, any private hospital will treat someone to stabilise them, and if they can't pay, they will be bounced to a free clinic.
The other thing is that those comparisons are made a touch more awkward by the fact that there is variation between the abundance of physicians in a country compared to the population, which does have an impact. I accept that this throws the figures out somewhat.
Finally, you said in your original post that it pisses you off when people abuse healthcare systems because they are free. I agree with this absolutely, but I question the assertion that the OP won't get alcohol poisoning again because he had to pay 4k. He'll probably be a touch more careful, but sometimes things happen by accident, because you weren't thinking, etc etc. Accident victims are the ones who end up having their lives ruined by paid-for healthcare.
Also, you still haven't told me which country you're talking about. I'd be interested to know.
Sorry about the wall of text.
| 10 | 8 | |
1354211455 | 1354212233 | t3_13z9k9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | fenixrising30: There should be a birth control that she can take with her meds. The reason sge is behaving the way she is is brcause of her hormonal ups and downs. Anger sadness joy and mania plateus. The point of her meds is they balance her hormonal levels. Perhaps why she cannot take normal birth control. Let me research on this and I can find some options of b.c. that will work with her bipolar meds. Perhaps you can suggest these to her if your comfortable. Also, let me find some support books you may want to read. On a personal note, my sister and I where severely abused which contributed severely to her mental instability and rage.
fenixrising30: Please excuse the spelling, damn phone.
fenixrising30: WWW.bipolarsupport.org one stop shop for your support needs.
fenixrising30: Also as far as b.c. options, she should talk to her gyno about nonhormonal b.c. I.e. Copper IUD, spermacidal and contraceptives. There is a way for her to have the best of both worlds with a little loving support and a little push.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1354163714 | 1354239174 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | Shane75776: TIFU - Destroyed my roommates Tater-Tot Casserole.. (info inside)
My roommate prepared a Tater-Tot Casserole for us for dinner, our first nice dinner since moving in (we are both out of money and she had a little and bought ingredients for it) she went to a movie with a friend while I stayed at home to take the Casserole out of the oven.
The casserole finished, I took it out and ate my share and thought it would be nice to put it back in the oven to keep it warm for when she got home. However, I forgot to turn the oven off.
2 hours later I went to see if it was still warm, found it as a burning crisp in the oven.
I feel sick, shes going to be home in a few minutes. :(
PraxAttacks: So what happened?
Shane75776: She didn't believe me when she walked in the door, thought I was joking until she saw it.
I managed to salvage a small bowl for her, however, the taste im sure paled in comparison to what I ate.
I owe her one big time.
Carnephex: Have you tried /r/randomactsofpizza and asked for potatos?
Not trolling, really.
mynameisnotjane: I've got one better. How about asking /r/randomactsofpizza and asking for...pizza?
| 5 | 11 | |
1354191421 | 1354197438 | null | t5_2to41 | 778 | [deleted]: TIFU by helping convince a girl to kill herself.
Well, it was actually a few months ago but this girl tried killing herself last week.
I was on Fb and being the smartass I am, I get into an fb fight. Needless to say I said some things that I've come to regret and today I decided to apologise.
She still hates me but accepted my apology.
I still feel pretty bad though.
If requested I can dig up a convo about it.
I'm not sure if this is in the right subreddit, but it's definitely a fuck up for me.
Edit: Thanks chaps for making me feel better and at the same time I still feel like a dick. For the privilaged few that now know my name in full: Please be gentle with this information.
thefatpig: Brother, what you have done is now a learning experience: Don't hurt people that are already hurtin'
Cunningham01: I will never do a thing like it again.
Mech1: Change your reddit handle to Cuntingham01, I think you have earned it lol.
thefatpig: Me and him have actually had to live through this nickname for too long...
**Edit;** I should explain myself, he's my twin
Mech1: Apparently not long enough to learn anything from it.
thefatpig: Different circumstances, this was in general bullying. He has also gone through a period of being down on himself. Not quite depressed, but it certainly was an emotional time.
Mech1: Well don't I look like an asshole now....
The_Zeus_Is_Loose: Hey man it's ok you didn't know.
Mech1: I don't think i have ever been called a urethra before. Interdasting,
The_Zeus_Is_Loose: What are you talking about? You are so silly.
Cunningham01: Boy's please.. No need for this.
The_Zeus_Is_Loose: Why is he being so mean?
Cunningham01: Mech1 yeah...
I don't think you're a bad guy though and that's all that matters really.
| 14 | 55.571429 | |
1354182533 | 1354330179 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | dennischan: TIFU I forgot to throw away the tissue papers before I left my dorm room
Okay. I left the tissue papers on my desk after I had a great time with my left hand. All of my friends that went into my room could easily smell my juice. :/
Reddit. Today I fucked up.
[deleted]: Sort of similar thing happened with me when every time I collect the bin bag from my brothers room, there are a lot of tissues and the strong smell of semen
Do_It_For_The_Lasers: What's semen smell like? Because I'm a gay lady, so I don't smell it, like, ever, and my brother's room constantly smells like an old hamster cage (this is also due to him leaving open bottles of piss every where, but it still smelled even after my mom made him throw those out. He's 23 btw).
DoctoryWhy: The only people I know who piss in a bottle (and keep it) are stoners. It may or may not be semen, but you are certainly smelling drugs.
Do_It_For_The_Lasers: Why stoners specifically? And he does smoke weed, but only with his woman friend. Also, it doesn't smell like weed in his room, either, just old...ness... And like, fart, and some unidentifiable stuff.
DoctoryWhy: I don't know. Ask him why.
doomgiver98: Relevant username. (Aside from it being a play on Doctor Who.)
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1354197289 | 1354739427 | null | t5_2to41 | 233 | StrwbryFlds4ever: TIFU by hitting 'Reply' instead of 'Forward'
I work in a call center. Our main objective: outstanding customer service. I was answering the email of an extremely irate woman (a Communications Director no less) asking that we replace some tickets that had been stolen from her wallet ($30 value, nothing enormous, but I do work for a non-profit, so that's kind of a lot to ask for.) I explained our policy that tickets cannot be replaced if lost or stolen and referred her to our FAQ website.
She proceeded to throw a first-class tantrum. Exclamation marks and capitalized words...you know the type. (Real professional, Ms. Communications Director...) She said she was going to FB, Twitter, and going to blog about her horrible experience with us. She ended her email with "Do not reply to my email again."
I think you can see where this is going...
So because of the social media blitzkrieg that she threatened, I needed to forward the email to my supervisor. Well idiot me, hit reply instead of forward.
Thankfully I didn't say anything regretful, like all of the names I wanted to call this woman. But, it was still incredibly embarrassing when my supervisor logged into the email account and was like..."Well, that didn't go according to plan..."
Needless to say, 32 year old tantrum-thrower got her tickets replaced. Which is a huge pet peeve of mine to begin with. You can be sure I will never be giving in/rewarding my future children when they throw such a tantrum.
Perhaps this is why I cannot find a better job...I haven't whined and cried enough to the right people...
lewzerkid: >I haven't whined and cried enough to the right people...
Sadly true.
Do_It_For_The_Lasers: Not necessarily. I've found that simply informing my boss that I'd "like to be able to contribute more to the company" at key times (see: after doing something awesome) is a good way to move ahead quickly.
Kancho_Ninja: every time I've done that, I've ended up with more work, longer hours and the same pay.
Do_It_For_The_Lasers: Maybe you should consider switching jobs. If you're trained in a wider variety of things, you can use that as leverage for higher pay elsewhere. And you're more valuable to the company with your assorted skills, so you might get a raise out of that too. Also, asking your boss for a raise helps, especially if you prepare a portfolio neatly demonstrating your skills.
[deleted]: I second this. If your company just isn't in a position to help you get where you want to go, it's time to look elsewhere.
Also, this is a sales blog, but it is something everyone can benefit from: http://www.jillkonrath.com/sales-blog/bid/122949/Here-s-the-Root-Cause-of-Most-Sales-Failure
fuckyerdownvote: Yeah, some guy's life imploding and ending up in jail and tortured in solitary is just like failing as a salesperson. Where did you find this article?
[deleted]: She's a prominent sales thinker. Sorry you didn't find it insightful! Hopefully someone else does. :)
| 8 | 29.125 | |
1354221354 | 1354234446 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | EU4IAN: TIFU by making that's what she said jokes in class with a buddy.
A buddy and I were making that's what she said jokes in class with a girl we know. She even made a few back. As soon as break hit, he pulls us aside and kicks us out of the class. Threatening expulsion should it happen again. She said that she didn't complain about the jokes at all. I'm currently in the office waiting to go home. Oh well. Shit happens.
ShadowBlade69: I assume "he" is the professor? Could he have just been mad you were disrupting class?
On an unrelated note, That's what she said jokes aren't even really funny even more.
Domriso: On the contrary! I for one have fallen in love with "That's what she said!" jokes having now graduated from college. The trick, however, is not to use them on stupid things, like "Oh, that's hard," but on ones that take a bit of imagination and thought to understand, like "Wait, is that a cat?" Getting a good one in makes everyone stop for a second and then either cringe or laugh (or both, if you get a good one).
ShadowBlade69: I'm not sure if your example is suggesting sex with a cat, or based off a cat being a type of pussy....
Domriso: That's the beauty of it! It forces thought and then gets cringes and laughs! I do nothing if not to unnerve people.
| 5 | 2 | |
1354234830 | 1354236185 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | ZeeEXOhAy: Dropped a baby niece on the head.
JustLetMeComment: Well, the good news is that if she's able to crawl around like that, her skull is much more solid than a newborn's, so hopefully there won't be any lasting effects besides those on your babysitting reputation.
ZeeEXOhAy: That was my greatest concern lifted:) . a bad babysitting rep for the best I'm actually really awkward with babies.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1354238916 | 1354340921 | null | t5_2to41 | 117 | Throwaway2345671: TIFU by calling my girlfriend the "C" word
Well TIFU. In my opinion it wasn't all my fault, but whatever.
My phone died and my mom was trying to contact me. I ask my girlfriend if I can use her phone in order to text my mom. She denies me, and says that it's her phone, and if I need to text my mom, she can do that for me. At first I thought this was extremely weird, do I asked again and she said no, again. I've been dating her for 9 months and I've used her phone multiple times, so now I got suspicious. I asked her if there was something she was hiding, and she said no. I asked her to show me who she had been texting because I had a really bad feeling. Note I didn't actually read any texts. One of the names that came up was the name of a guy that had confessed his interest in her, and as soon as she told him she had a boyfriend he backed off and cut all contact al together. Obvious that he was only interested to talk if there was something in it for him. I calmly ask what they were talking about and she said "I fucked him" angerly. I responded by saying "excuse me?" "you heard me, I fucked him" this is where I called her a cunt. She starts crying, runs away, and says she was just saying that because she was pissed off, and that that didn't even happen. She proceeds to be angry at me for even thinking of saying that. I feel like it was provoked.
She now says she doesn't see me the same way for speaking to her like that.
So, I guess I fucked up today?
atomic0range: Dude fucks up and calls his girlfriend a cunt - legions of 14-year-old redditors gleefully agree, bravely using the word in a sentence!
Azartic: Don't be a cunt.
atomic0range: Maybe if you're lucky you'll get the chance to call a black person a nigger! Won't that be hilarious?
Azartic: That's not even relatively the same thing, being black isn't a personality issue. It's a race, nothing wrong with it. Being a cunt on the other hand is completely avoidable.
atomic0range: Cunt is a gender thing in the same way nigger is a race thing. I have heard people seriously say, irl, that they don't hate all black people, just the niggers. Racists say its a personality issue, just like misogynists say its a personality issue when they start calling girls cunts.
Just sayin'... to many american women, when a guy says the word "cunt" it sounds a lot like "I really fucking hate women".
Azartic: I call men cunts too if that makes you feel any better.
Also, I don't hate women in general.
atomic0range: Are you from the US? It's typically used here exclusively to refer to women, and said with audible hatred. I understand in other countries it's used in a much more mild way, but I think the OP said it to his girlfriend because it was the most horrible thing he could think to call her. Pretty disappointing to see how many redditors came out of the woodwork eager for a chance to let their own hate out in an "accepting" environment.
Azartic: Yeah I am. Alaska.
But honestly, what makes "Cunt" so horrible? In comparison to calling a man a dick? I think people are way to sensitive to words.
atomic0range: History, intent. There's a big difference between calling a man gay and calling him a faggot. They have the same meaning but there are depths of hatred implied in the word faggot that just aren't in the other word.
Words are just sounds. The meaning behind them is what matters. People in this thread are playing at being transgressive and "brave" by using a word loaded with hatred in a casual way. The hatred leaks through though. Depressing thread.
| 10 | 11.7 | |
1354236918 | 1354402459 | null | t5_2to41 | 367 | kittensnomittens: TIFU by going to the hardware store
Not even a throw-away. Fuck it. So, my genius brain was on /r/pettyrevenge and decided I absolutely HAD to have a few tools of the trade, namely some duct tape, rope, superglue, and an air valve stem tool. Those items would be handy to be kept in the car for some petty revenge and I thought it was a fine idea as sometimes my temper gets the best of me. While I was at the store, I picked up a few other items I saw on sale (a crowbar) and got a new lock for my apartment, as there was sketchy activity in my neighborhood last night. Anyway, apparently I was acting weird when I came in because I asked to use the bathroom (I had to poop- yes girls poop) and when I emerged I wandered a bit seeming lost (because I had never been to a hardware store before).
I am socially awkward and that translates into "murderous" and "threatening" because after I left the employees sat around talking about for about an hour before calling the police to report my suspicious behavior.
I found out about all of this when the police paid a visit to my ex-husband inquiring about the nature of our relationship and my mental stability. He stated things were fantastic and initially misunderstood and assumed I had pissed someone off and the threat was on MY life. He became extremely upset when he realized that they believed I was the one who threatened HIM.
This was all brought to my attention while at work. I tracked down the officer who was apparently leading the manhunt to find me before I "killed" someone and explained everything, down to the locks for the door and my "strange" behavior. I am hearing impaired and need to wear hearing aids. One of them is not functioning right now, making me have to concentrate even more intensely to understand what people are saying. I guess that comes off as "disturbed". The officer then explained what happened when I left the hardware store, which included one of the employees being "scared" and going home, presumably to pray for my lost soul.
Thankfully, the investigating officer believes it was a misunderstanding coupled with some gossip and a few overly active imaginations.
So, TIFU by going to the hardware store to buy a few items commonly used to kidnap and torture. made a few bad jokes and then I got questioned by the police
TL;DR Read it or I'll kidnap, torture and kill
EDIT: word
pondiki: > (I had to poop- yes girls poop)
until this sentence I just *assumed* OP was a dude. I made an ass out of you and me, sorry.
Evref: TIL girls poop, but with rather bad form. A dude knows how to time his shits, a hardware store would be about the last place any good man would squat.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: I rolled one out at the Home Depot yesterday-I felt a peculiar sense of accomplishment..
4boltmain: Even if you didn't buy anything.
hearforthepuns: Especially if you didn't buy anything.
[deleted]: It's the power of doing
| 7 | 52.428571 | |
1354236494 | 1359196695 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Do_It_For_The_Lasers: TIFU: Thanks to my idiocy, my computer can't tell an Ethernet cable from a steak and cheese sandwich.
TIFU by uninstalling a bunch of device controller software on my computer, thinking I was uninstalling some shitty USB controller drivers that I installed months ago to play Skyrim (with a USB Play Station controller). The actually hand held controller didn't work, and genius me decided "welp I better uninstall that software now, while I'm in the add/remove programs section of my computer."
TIL: RealTek brand USB controller != handheld play station computer controller.
Not only that, but I got the Ethernet controller driver too, so if I ever wanted to have some actually fast internet, it'd about as helpful as sticking an aforementioned cheesy steak sandwich into my Ethernet port.
TLDR: I'm a fucking dumbass.
But wait, there's more! I tried using the "update drivers" part of my computer to fix it, and it failed to update. I tried going onto the Real Tek website for some help/how to, but they have very little that is either helpful or that I understand.
I'm so fucked!
christophertit: Give "slimdrivers" a go. It should find the driver you need. You can always uninstall it later and just keep a backup of the drivers it finds for the next time you reinstall windows etc.
Do_It_For_The_Lasers: Yo. I just wanted to say that, a month ago when you posted this, that I did what you said and it worked really well. I hadn't said thank you, but now I have the chance to.
So, thank you very much. =)
christophertit: Ah, good to hear! It's a decent program, if a bit naggy for registering at times. I usually just run it once then uninstall it (making a note of the drivers it finds for the next time).
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1354193596 | 1354367083 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | twiddlemyfiddle: TIFU my video interview
I had my very first interview for my internship at a very prestigious hospital. And since i'm currently not in my home country, i had to do it online.
I was fucking nervous when the screen flashed the faces of the two male consultant doctors who are about to interrogate me. At first i started it nicely by saying good afternoon, but i had to open my big mouth by asking 'how are you GUYS?' 'GUYS'?! I still cringe at the thought of calling them guys instead of calling them doctors. Blooper number one.
Then they start to bombard me with questions based on the answers i put in my statement of values. They asked me what i want to learn. I wrote something different then said something different. I was not consistent. Blooper number two.
They asked me if i am more of a leader or a follower. I said it depends on the situation.then i blabbered and did not make sense about being a leader, then i eventually said that i'm mostly a good follower. Ugh. Blooper number three.
Then they asked me what was my top priority from a list of five things. Since i can't remember good and i was so nervous, i had them repeat it and i wrote it down. Then i chose integrity. Then i again blabbered justifying my answer, completely forgetting the definition of integrity. They knew that i don't know what i was even saying so he asked again, 'so is what you said your definition of integrity?' I just said yes to make myself seem more confident but as a matter of fact, i was already a blubbering mess on the other side of the world.
I just hope they'll remember me, because they were laughing at the end of it.
TL; DR: Had my very first interview and i blabbered a lot.
master_mason: At least you did it. Some people couldn't even face that pressure. Keep it up. Each one you do will make you better. You've already learned a lot from it. You never know, they might call you back if they could visibly tell you were nervous or in the end it wasn't meant to be.
twiddlemyfiddle: thanks for the kind and wise words... i need a hug... i'll just internet hug you now if that's ok... -_-
happlepaff: if it helps, I had something similar happen at a med school interview a year back. Face to face. They laughed at me.
I think I knew i'd fucked it up then. Laughter doesn't signify anything good in that context.
twiddlemyfiddle: Ugh. I knew that i shouldn't trust laughter.
| 5 | 7 | |
1354213380 | 1354396733 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking a street lamp on school property
So I live in a boarding school and I was talking to a tutor. I walked out of the school building and I was really angry so I side kicked a lamp post and I just saw the top come smashing down the the ground. It was dark so I highly doubt someone saw or heard it. But I was the only person out of the residence building so I might be a suspect. Fuck.
TLDR; lamp feels my wrath.
HoneyBadgers_Forever: Street.....lamp...?
**OH!**
Brits.
[deleted]: Irish.. Big difference..
happlepaff: The british are second only to the irish in terms of alcoholism. That's according to the WHO.
Really, this whole section of Europe is just a mass of ruined livers.
[deleted]: What does alcoholism have anything to do with any of this? Just because I'm Irish? That's stereotyping and most people find that offensive, myself included.
happlepaff: more like just pointing out the one thing I know for a fact about Ireland because I read it in an article earlier.
Can see how it looks with hindsight, though.
[deleted]: On one hand I want to downvote you because it sounds like it's the only thing you know about Ireland, on the other; you realise the mistake. I'm torn..
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1354266948 | 1354271395 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | tbell07: TIFU a desperate chance to talk to an ex
I used my mom's cell to text an ex and tell her that i have been missing all day and to ask if she knew where i was... She texted my phone telling me to go home because my mom was worried, she never sent another text back.
crimsonking1: forget that bitch you cant dwell on an ex it only makes shit worse
tbell07: that's what i'm trying to do, it's taking time and i'm getting nowhere
hydrax: same here...
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1354266762 | 1354496664 | null | t5_2to41 | 221 | canipaybycheck: Fuckup Friday: Sex-related flubs
We're demoing a new feature here on /r/tifu called Fuckup Fridays. [It was suggested here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/11srdn/40000/c6pabhr). This is essentially a thread where you share your past fuck-ups within a certain category.
So, for this week's category: How have you fucked up, while fucking up?
an_ill_mallard: Not sure if it qualifies as a fuck up _completely_ but I still feel I did something wrong in some way. Was having sex with girlfriend, we were both pretty drunk. She fell asleep halfway through because I am just that poor a lover. I considered my options and decided on proceeding with the original plan, which was to have sex.
Finished the deed and lay in bed feeling like a bit of a weird rapist for a while before finally falling asleep. She is still snoring her head off at this point.
In the morning I still felt a bit weird about it and thought it would be best to tell her what I did. She laughed and said I can shag her while she sleeps anytime I like. Result, I guess?
My course of action not recommended for anyone not in a longterm relationship with a rad girl.
jutct: That happened with an ex girlfriend of mine. She asked me to videotape it next time it happened so she could masturbate to it. lol.
Sorthum: Yes, because I'm sure there's no possible way a videotape of you having sex with an unconscious person could *ever* come back to haunt you...
jutct: Yeah I stole the tape when I broke up with her. And deleted it.
krashmania: Deleted it, riiiiight
jutct: Haha actually it was on a digital videocasette. those mini-ones from around 2000. I threw the tape away. the girl turned out to be quite nuts and I didn't have any interest in ever watching it again. no interest in seeing myself naked on camera.
Lolworth: > the girl turned out to be quite nuts
Did this come as a surprise?
jutct: Not really, the fun ones usually are
| 9 | 24.555556 | |
1354288504 | 1354296899 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | nomanoid: TIFU: reset the counter, guys! I shat all over myself and my bathroom carpet.
What else can I say? I trusted a fart. A really nasty one that turned out to be explosive diarrhea. I'm not sure why people insist on the sunscreen bullshit. Want a real life savior advice? Never trust a god damn fart.
Oh, there's also one little extra detail: the carpet was white.
InstyKim: Please to explain "sunscreen bullshit."
nomanoid: I meant [this](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wear_Sunscreen).
jutct: That cleared nothing up. Explain like we're 5.
nomanoid: Based on a great article that went viral back in the day, people might try to convince you that the best possible advice on earth is to wear sunscreen. It's not, believe me. Best advice of them all, in my opinion, is to never trust a fart.
jutct: Oh haha. Thanks!
| 6 | 18.833333 | |
1354294930 | 1354359027 | null | t5_2to41 | 916 | nomanoid: TIFU by wasting over 60.000 litres of water.
Turns out I had a problem in my toilet flush. It kindda looks like [this](http://www.alwin-bathware.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/CH070901148L11.jpg). The flush button had been jammed down by the cleaning lady and, of course, she happened to jam the one toilet that we *never* use (it's located in a spare empty bedroom that we have at home). Needless to say, the flush mecanism tried to refill itself over a period of nearly 30 days untill I finally realized there was a problem with it this morning. Now I'll probably have to pay about US$250,00 worth of water this month. And being the extremely lucky guy that I obviously am, I'm pretty sure mother nature will also find a way to retribute this any time soon.
Henroc19: A quarter million dollars spent on water? You better tell your cleaning lady she needs to start using her own lemon pledge
nomanoid: Can you imagine that? Sorry for the mess up, I forgot you guys use the coma in a different way than we do down here (I'm brazilian). In truth, it was "only" 250usd. Had it been 250k, I would have titled this post TID, as in: Today I Died (most likely of a heart attack or probably even a stroke).
edit: come to think of it, this was my third fuck up today. FML.
Omnifarious: I like you, yer polite.
Why can't the Brazilians I meet in vidya games be more like you?
nomanoid: They're probably just after your monies. Gib them and it's all good, or else they'll reprot you.
Krisodd: huehuehue
tylercobra: morde es numero uno HUEHUEHUE
[deleted]: Yo no soy marinero
iniightmareav: soy capitan
cgbbcg: pollo tropical
thehotdelancey: Chica mala
| 11 | 83.272727 | |
1354299490 | 1354335480 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | captsky: TIFU with the wife's birthday sweater.
Thinking I am doing a nice thing, I did our laundry. Not realizing that her new birthday sweater from her mom was in there. I am proudly hanging up our shirts in front of her and she spots it. Me being confused by the look on her face, I wonder what's up. As she starts crying and shows me that it has shrunk so much, the sleeves only go down to her elbows.
This my friends, is where life went to a new low. Me just being a guy and not thinking about where this really was going to go, I start laughing my ass off at the site of the shrunken super short sleeve sweater and can't stop. The more she shows me the sweater the more I am laughing and the more she is crying. I am now in true husband HELL. She screams at me this is not funny, as the tears of laughter keep rolling down my dumb ass face.
sukit_tribeck: This is what you get for getting married man... Wow... the fact the people still do this boggles my mind.
alwh: What's so bad about getting married?
sukit_tribeck: This is a loaded question, so I'm going to try and tread lightly here... I've seen lots of people stay together, 35, 45, 65 years... Just never seen a couple, gotten to know them and thought to myself, "I would trade places with one of them." People go through personality and priority changes approx every ten years. learning to love the person your mate is changing into can be very difficult. I just don't see the reward in financially and legally tying your existence to that of another human being. This is just my opinion, there are exceptions to everything, and I wish any one who is reading this and thinking I'm wrong the very best of luck. I just wouldn't trade places with you.
lizzehness: I don't understand the downvotes you're getting for having an opinion. The first one, sure that was just a flippan answer, but you explained it and what you said makes sense and is genuine. Lame.
Marriage is hard fucking work. I've been doing it for over ten years and you know what? If it doesn't work out, I'm not goddamn doing it again. I love my husband, but I wish I knew in my 20's what I know in my 30's because decisions would be made differently.
sukit_tribeck: Thank you! I appreciate your honesty. I have watched so many people make the exact same choices as those that came before them, thinking they know more, or that for some magical reason things will be different for them. At age 26, having had 3 serious relationships that could have middled with marriage and ended in divorce, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I don't owe anyone alimony, I'm not a deadbeat that doesn't pay child support out of spite to my ex (not a parent at all). I thoroughly enjoy my free time, which I have lots of. I have a few speculations as to why people are downvoting me (spite, jealousy, etc) and I almost deleted it. I decided that internet points don't matter as much as standing up for what I believe to be true. Marriage is a religious institution that is indoctrinated on us as something that is glorious, sacred, magical, and inevitable. In reality it is a legally binding document that makes the more fiscally responsible person financially responsible for the other, and any children that come of the relationship, whether the decision to have them was mutual or not. IMO it goes completely against the "free" nature of our society. Thank you again, and I really do wish you and your hubby all the happiness in the world.
| 6 | 14.666667 | |
1354311471 | 1354313287 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIGFU (today I got Fucked up) For the first ti[m]e ever. [pictures] [not the dirty kind]. NSFW
Made sure to put the [m] so none of you got your hopes up on the pictures.
**TLDR**- First time I drank as ever so I drank 5 or 6 shots in three drinks.
At a family friend's house, hanging out and they make some drinks. I see one with no owner on the table so I grab it, no one cares I'm 19. I drank the first one somewhat slow because I didn't want to call for attention to myself (10-20 minutes). It tasted so good I asked for another one and they made it for me! Feeling like a boss at this point but I act like its no big deal because to them it isn't. I ate and drank the second one which had two shots of whiskey and strawberry mix like the first one. I drank this one faster (5-10 minutes). Now I'm starting to feel happy, the room is moving in an amazing new way I never felt before. Everyone is so much more interesting now and I'm just throwing my opinion in every conversation. At this point I noticed I was a little "happy" but I act a normal as I can because I don't want to make myself seem immature in any way nor like I can't handle drinking. Here's when it gets bad, I thought, 4 shots made me happy so 3 more will make me super happy! So I sneak into the kitchen and make me a new drink with three shots f whiskey. I drank this one withing 5 minutes too. Within an instant I couldn't walk, I was speaking badly and I knocked out the painting. I blamed this on being tired not drunk. Then it's a blur. Then it's me blaming myself and the last drink instead of letting the host who made me a drink take the fault. Then it's the food I ate but not in my stomach anymore. Then it's me waking up with someone else's shirt on. I knew I threw up on myself instantly. I felt so embarrassed I went the day after to apologize to everyone there. TIFU (last sat)
Me "tired": http://imgur.com/WAOZH.jpg
I couldnt come up with an excuse for the rest of these:
http://imgur.com/GN3uu
http://imgur.com/m667D
When it was over: http://imgur.com/HV89f
[deleted]: Dude everyone drinks. Everyone gets sick. No need to share a ridiculously long story wih the internet. Thats why people drink wih friends.
[deleted]: MUCH worse has happened. Ill give you an upvote cause i know im a dick
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1354299925 | 1354420049 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU: Told a female customer to "Go wash dishs"
So while speaking to a customer I was suggesting she call our corporate 800 number to request a discount. I was *trying* to tell her that if they seemed uncooperative to simply go busy yourself for a little while and then try back later.
Instead what actually came out was " Go wash dishs or something then call back"
I did save face and we laughed it off but really that could have went in a whole other direction really easily.
Kind_Of_Like_Butter: It's "dishes," by the way.
Son_of_jack89: King of the Internet.
Kind_Of_Like_Butter: Considering he spelled it wrong twice, I assumed he actually didn't know the correct spelling.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1354321355 | 1354802775 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | kire73: TIFU by falling prey to a "White Van" scam
I was on my way home from school, trying to make an appointment with an advisor as I stopped at a gas station. While I was on the phone some asshole rolls up in a hurry, with some other guy, and starts yelling something at me from his window. I wave him away cause...well I'm on the fucking phone but he persists, and won't get out of my face until I've gotten off. The only thing that was clear to me was that he was excited about something. He starts feeding me some horse shit about his boss being an idiot and accidentally gave him another sound system that he wanted to get rid of before he showed up for a job. He shows me the thing (legit looking box with an MSRP tag saying 2,000+), and even whips out a catalog to show me how good it is, but I'm not interested. I have maybe 600 in my account but in order to get him to leave im telling him im broke and can't help him. Finally the guy breaks down and just hands me the thing. I thought I was getting it for free but the next thing I knew I was handing the douche 200 bucks. I left feeling like an idiot, knowing the entire time that i should've kicked him in the nuts and ran, and sure enough when I got home the results were disastrous. Turns out the guy wasn't just lying, but there is this whole thing called "White van" scams, which on wikipedia describes what happened to me verbatim. The box, the magazine, the speakers, all totally fake, and I went from broke to broker...all for some speakers that I don't even come close to needing or wanting.
tl;dr: TIL [white van speaker scams](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_van_speaker_scam) exist
kiteless: This happened to me about 12 years ago. I was 22 and dumb.
I got my money back though by hunting down where they send out the vans from, getting there at 6am and demanding my money back.
kire73: thats awesome. How did you find the place?
kiteless: The name of the company (C&C?) was on one of those fake brochures and they left one with me (I assume accidentally because it was laminated and they didn't seem to have more than 2). I somehow found the address and it was about 15 miles away but I got up early the next morning, loaded the speakers in my car and camped out with my parked car blocking the vans in.
kiteless: C&C wasn't even close...
Jam Enterprises
1400 Adams Road
Bensalem, PA 19020
Phone: (215) 244-6847
Here is where I found it: http://www.scamshield.com/Help.asp?id=4
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1354321073 | 1354394219 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: [TIFU] While masturbating
So, this morning I was feeling kind of horny, and I saw a post about http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urethral_sounding on this subreddit, that was described as it felt pretty good. So, I tried it this morning... in the shower. Do you see where this is going? I couldn't find anything to stick in my penis, so I went in the cupboard, and got a q-tip. I pulled all of the cotton off, and tried putting it in. It wouldn't go in. So, I, in my infinite wisdom, even though I heard all the warnings against this, lubed it up with conditioner, and stuck it in there. It didn't feel like anything at first, so I kept it in there, and masturbated as usual. This is where the pain starts, right when I came. It felt like I was being stabbed, everywhere in my dick at once. I tried urinating to feel better, it got worse. I was going to post this when the pain stopped, but it hasn't. School was pretty fun today, especially gym class.
Update: Someone was asking for an update, so here goes. I took a shower late today, in fact I just got out. I also masturbated in the shower using the showerhead, it felt great (like always), until I came. There was only a slight stinging sensation, and now all pain is gone.
So there's an anti climactic ending.
dobbs2671: I know your pain... and I learned it when I was 12 or 13 (well over a decade ago). Nearly the same scenario... yes, I'll use SHAMPOO to make it better!
Came, it was awesome. Peed, it was not. I was hopping around the shower like I was stepping on hot coals, and it was because I felt like I was pissing hot coals out of my little dobbs2671.
Unfortunately, I don't know anything that I could tell you now to help make it better. Good luck, OP. :(
[deleted]: That reminds me of the first time my penis molted.Terrible, terrible times.
happlepaff: your penis... molted? As in, all the hair fell out to make way for a fresh winter coat?
[deleted]: Basically, I tried masturbating with conditioner once and some must have gotten in the tip. It got all inflamed and puffy and hurt while I peed for a week. After the week was up, the skin flaked off on the outside (sort of like a snake shedding). I then posted that story to some thread on reddit and someone replied "Ah yes, I remember the first time my penis molted."
happlepaff: jesus. that sounds horrid...
a disproportionate number of cases on TIFU are people ruining their genitals and/or shitting themselves. I worry about this website sometimes.
| 6 | 15.166667 | |
1354315425 | 1354476323 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | tlf9888: TIFU and killed approximately 300 gold fish.
This wasn't today, it was actually about 2 years ago but I though I'd share the story. Anyways, I was working at PetSmart in the fish and small animals section of the store and I happened to be training a new employee that night. I was showing her how to feed the fish which involves turning off the filtration system for the 3 separate tank systems. Well, the girl I was training was suppose to turn all of the filtration back on after we were done feeding the fish and she forgot to turn on the filtration on for the gold fish tank which ended up suffocating approximately 300 gold fish in their own waste and uneaten food. Even though she didn't turn it on, I was training her and should have double checked her work and not signed off on it without checking. I ended up being written up the next day and almost lost my job.
krashmania: ...charlie? Had a guy at my old petsmart do this, then another guy knocked a bottle of bleach into the goldfish system, killed somewhere around 700 all together.
tlf9888: Nope, I'm not a guy.
| 3 | 15 | |
1354312927 | 1354392987 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU when I accidentally stole a persons backpack who has been in Canada for only a week.
So I was boarding the light rail train(15 minute trip) when i noticed a backpack sitting behind after everyone boarded the train. I figured someone left it there so i brought it on the train to help them out. MFW i see the guy running up looking for the backpack. Pretty embarrasing. I call my campus security(this was at a university stop) to try and find the guy. I ride the train back to campus to try and find him. Now i feel terrible. So i brought it to the capus security office and leave it with them with my info. I go back to the station to see the guy talking to a transportation officer. I tell him what happened and he was extremly relieved. He was there with his wife and son. They were freaking out because their entire life was in that bag. Citizenship. Passport. Portfolio. Lol. His poor wife was riding the train back and forth trying to find it. They came from nepal not one week ago. I show the guy the way to the office and get him his bag back. I told them how sorry i was and hey were actually thankful(if his happened to an american hey mightve given me hell for fucking with their stuff). I was happy to get his bag back to him, but wow did that act of kindness ever backfire on me. I mean, i thought i was doing them a favor, but gave hem the scare of a lifetime. I told him Canada is a good country besides people not being able to leave things the way they are(in a sense). I am one clumsy idiot. Can i do anything right?
TL;DR I tried to help someone out, but ended up doing more harm than good. Luckily in the end it only cost time and he nerves of a newly arrived family from Nepal.
edit: i used "americans wouldve given me hell" because it is the closest place with more population. It is not implying all amercians are dicks, americans and canadians are highly similar, but most of us live in very different environments.
ZipZapNap: What idiot leaves a bag with their passport unattended at a train stop?
Dude probably needs some Darwinism applied.
Damnit_Take_This_One: >Someone made a stupid mistake. Let's fuck them over instead of trying to help out
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1354335781 | 1354399397 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU: Made a flippant comment about marriage and am being downvoted to oblivion.
SEE: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/142926/tifu_with_the_wifes_birthday_sweater/
scroll to the bottom, click the little plus sign.
gbromios: Who cares? Downvotes mean nothing.
sukit_tribeck: this was my point man... wow.
gbromios: so: wasn't really a fuckup then, was it?
sukit_tribeck: maybe I'm a /firstworldanarchist
gbromios: the impression I get is much more "/r/insecureinternetcommenter"
| 6 | 0.5 | |
1354336371 | 1354478367 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Nerfman2227: TIFU by getting Silly Putty on an expensive iPad case.
As I waited for a video game to load up, I playfully tossed some Silly Putty around..so innocent and beautiful...but this small ball of rubber-like material would soon become the greatest foe I would ever face. I set the putty down, grabbed my iPad, which has a relatively expensive case, to play while the game loaded. I quickly got bored, and, noticing my game was prepared to play, I carelessly set the iPad down. After rage-quitting, I picked up my iPad again. However, feeling the case, there was an irregularity... The material felt different. I turned it around to discover a horrifying sight...the Silly Putty had stuck to the case. I shockingly dropped the iPad onto my bed and freaked out. At first, I carefully peeled the putty off, but realizing this wouldn't work, I grabbed a house key and tried to scrape it off, to no avail. I took the device out of the case, if only to delay the inevitable. I knew there was one thing I had to do.
Stumbling into my bathroom, I scraped the goo off with my fingernails, which had little effect. I grabbed a few toothpicks, and scraped it off a little. It did some good, but no major removal. I ran the sink, and threw the case in to it. Was it hot or cold water that removed it best? I had no time, the putty could truly bond soon, and I threw the cold water on. The next 5-10 minutes was an epic battle between man and Silly Putty. I ripped it off, as if it were a symbiotic creature coming to infect my soul. About halfway through the war, I ripped my watch off with my teeth and threw it aside. There couldn't be any more casualties.I tried many things, hot water, tooth picks. It did great, but there was still plenty left. Knowing the end was near, I gave it my all.
I submerged the thing in my sink, doused it with water, hot and cold, assaulted it with soap, attacked it with toothpicks until they wore away, ripped through it with my fingers. I pulled the case out. It was mostly clean. I rubbed the sweat that was trickling down my face, and quietly acknowledged to myself that the battle was over.
The case is currently drying. The iPad stands bare and unprotected, except for it's plastic frame. The egg of Silly Putty has been sentenced to life in the Island of Misfit Toys. And here I sit, typing this to the people of Reddit.
boywithumbrella: > iPad stands bare and unprotected, except for it's plastic frame
*its* metal frame, you mean?
Nerfman2227: Whoops. Also it's plastic. The case is rubbery, and it stretches over a plastic frame that is snapped onto the device
boywithumbrella: I see. The wording suggested you meant the iPad's frame (which is metal).
Nerfman2227: My bad.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1354356624 | 1354419250 | null | t5_2to41 | 546 | [deleted]: TIFU and accidentally poisoned myself...
My mom was cleaning the tea stains off of a cup, so she rinsed it with a small amount of bleach. However, she didn't do a very good job of washing it out, and placed it with the clean ones.
I got a glass of ice water, and filled it, and chugged most of it. Then I noticed the smell and taste. For the next 3 hours I felt absolutely awful. I drank a lot of water (from a different glass), and eventually I started to feel okay.
So yes, TIFU and drank bleach water. Even Amanda Todd would have made fun of me.
edit: For all you naysayers, Yes, I realize I shouldn't freak out. But I didn't, I posted on TIFU and that's about it. And yes, something did happen, I felt sick. I didn't need emergency medical services, I didn't need my stomach pumped, but I basically huffed bleach (and swallowed some negligible amount of it). Afterwords, for about 2-3 hours, I felt nauseous and had to lay down.
crackpnt69: I once drank a cup of hydrogen peroxide.. just because.
alienware: I often drink dihydrogen monoxide.
InbredScorpion: Nah man, hydroxyl acid is for men.
osirus2010: My friend's crazy mom, for some reason, stored her vinegar in a large water bottle in the fridge. One day when we were returning to his house, I was extremely thirsty and went to the fridge and water-falled the first bottle of water I seen. At this point, I thought his mom just filled up water from the filter and placed it in the fridge to cool. By the third gulp in, I felt a burning sensation and realized that it was not water. Then came the flavor and I knew right away what it was.
willostree: I've drank apple cider vinegar before. It helps clean you out. It is quite fun. You can feel it work it's way through your system.
LancerSykera: Same with pickle juice, and it's delicious.
willostree: I use pickle juice to stave off hangovers. When I think it might be an issue I down a few baby gerkins and a few gulps. Tastes great and helps keep my electrolytes high.
TheNativeRaver: It;s what plants crave
| 9 | 60.666667 | |
1354343618 | 1354465472 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by blending
so, I'm now officially on holiday. while it is nice to relax, doing nothing all day can get a bit boring. so, with nothing else to do (I'd already satisfied my mansnake) I started looking for cheap christmas present ideas. I found this really nifty idea of putting moss in a jar; sort of like a miniature terrarium. i thought that looked pretty cool, so I figured I'd give it a go.
so, the following day, I went for a walk, grabbed some moss, and came back to get my inner-gardener on. this is where the problems start. instead of jars, I was using milk bottles, because reasons. now, there is *no way* you can fit a whole fist sized clump of moss into a milk bottle. so, I searched some more. I found out that, given some time, a blended mix of moss, buttermilk and water can grow to be quite healthy. awww yeah, this was gonna be great..... **wrong!**
so I still had alot of left over moss; no need to get more. I shoved it into my cheap-ass blender with some buttermilk (basically just lumpy milk) and water. now; this already looked rather nasty; the moss was kind of floating on the top, and the water - lumpy milk mix was gradually turning a shitty brown from the dirt on the moss. now, here's where the stupidity begins. In my haze of joy that I'd made it this far, I fucked up. hard. I didn't put on the lid. now, I don't no of anything worse to blend than a rancid, unholy mix of buttermilk, day old moss, and water. predictably, as soon as I turn it on, an explosion of moss and slightly-watered down chunky milk rains down on my kitchen. it's been 4 hours, and I'm still finding bits of moss in those hard-to-reach places!
**TL;DR I essentially got a liter of vegetarian diarrhea spread across my kitchen**
ElusiveGuy: I'm honestly surprised that blenders without interlocks on the lids exist outside of cartoons...
LaBubblegum: I've actually never seen a blender that did have interlocks on the lids. It seems logical though, and I'm now just as surprised about it as you.
ElusiveGuy: Turns out I was thinking of food processors (TIL they're different things): [that protruding bit of plastic has to be locked in the slot before it will turn on](http://i.imgur.com/xmm5Y.jpg). Still, blenders running without some way of making sure the lid is on isn't very safe...
LaBubblegum: I'm thinking it has something to do with how often you need to add more liquid, or like, move the contents of the blender pitcher around inside (things get stuck and you sometimes have to shake the stuff around to get it to keep blending).
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1354391203 | 1354402373 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by spending almost two hours on the toilet.
So here I go. It's 12:00 noon, and my gf and her brother came to pick me up since we were going to see Life of Pi. Right before I was about to leave, I wanted to just go to the bathroom real quick, and I told them and they said they will wait. So I'm in the bathroom, and I get a text from a friend. So me and him start texting and then he says he had to go. I check the time...
it's 1:26 PM.
I immediately try to just push, but nothing's coming. I try this for 20 minutes and then I just get up and move on. I look in the toilet and just relaize then that I already went before my friend even sent me the text.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that when I got out, my gf left a note saying to call me when I'm done. I called her and she told me her brother thought I was masturbating,(I laughed since i'm only 13) but she knew exactly what Iwas doing, and who I was texting.
So not only did I fuck up today reddit, I found out my innocent 12 year old girlfriend (once again I'M 13!!!) is a creepy-ass stalker and I will never see her the same way again.
[deleted]: You're 13?.....
joshlikesat: Yes. Is there a problem? Did I mishead bout 13 yr olds on reddit?
[deleted]: No problem I just think of 13 *year* olds as innocent children who don't go on site like this one..
crimsonking1: no way man i kinda think that now that im older but i remeber being 13 and i was in no way innocent or a child
Sorry_Im_New_Here: You don't seem that much older. how old are you now, 14?
crimsonking1: haha na im 12
| 7 | 1 | |
1354395009 | 1354575066 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending university application for English off with grammatical AND spelling mistake.
Now I await for rejection from all 5 universities I applied.
3141592652: This is why you proofread and then again after you think it's good. Have someone else look it over to. Although we all make mistakes. I hope they except you.
[deleted]: I see what you did their.
darthelmo: Eye see watt ewe did they're.
| 4 | 9 | |
1354412999 | 1354510405 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a girl, and bringing my female date to a Christian propaganda flick...
[This is the movie I'm talking about.](http://www.amazinglovemovie.com/)
I just thought it was going to be a typical, romantic makeout movie. I think that's what she thought too, since we're both atheists, and we never would have seen a flick like this knowingly. It was full of misogynistic, mood killing themes. It was a first date, too. We just both sat there laughing the whole time..
And no, I did not kiss her. The theater was full of Christians, and we got a lot of dirty looks from people on the way out. I did put my arm around her, at least. So, TIFU.
TL;DR: Had a God awful first date, but I'm still going to see her again.
DoctoryWhy: As a fellow atheist, to go to a terrible Christian movie and both laugh all the way through is my definition of a good first date. Especially if you both thought it was going to be completely different.
Also, thumbs up and making all the Christians give you dirty looks =D
Onslow_Skils: I can't think of anything better than laughing through a film and ruining it for everyone else.
DoctoryWhy: Only if it is a bad film, especially when this happens http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/144pxu/tifu_by_being_a_girl_and_bringing_my_female_date/c7a1uq5
Onslow_Skils: I was being sarcastic. My point was that even if you think a film is bad you shouldn't ruin it for other people.
DoctoryWhy: Obviously you were being sarcastic... Though I agree with that to a point, I would have to say for this particular situation, it couldn't have been helped. They payed for the movie thinking it was something else, however long through it find out it is a Christian movie, and probably started laughing at it before they realized. It isn't like they were yelling out and purposefully ruining the movie for people. They were probably just laughing at inappropriate situations. They didn't ruin it for others on purpose, but got a different type of enjoyment from it. Are you saying they only have the right to laugh at only appropriate times, where others were laughing as well?
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1354418079 | 1354908281 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TiFu my wife found a pinup photo of one of her coworkers on my phone
Now I don't know how to make my situation any better. In my defense it was sent to me by a friend of mine and not the girl in question.
Asimoff: We're going to need to see the pic before we can advise you properly.
unas666: For scientifappic purposes.
Suitablystoned: *For scientifappic purposes.* I see what you did there.
bored2242: I had to read this reply and the post 3 times before I realised it didn't simply say scientific purposes.. lol
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1354418468 | 1354421973 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | NarcoticNarcosis: TIFU and burned my finger. It hurts.
So, I go over to my mom's house for dinner. She pulls the Salmon out of the oven and sets it down on the counter, and then asks me to grab some bowls. At that moment, I noticed there were juices dripping on the floor. Having been raised to do such a thing, I asked my mom for a paper towel to clean it up.
Here's where it gets good:
In my eternal and infinite wisdom, I decided to lift up the pan to wipe underneath and nip the problem in the bud.
So I lifted the pan. The pan that just came out of the oven. Without any sort of protection.
Fortunately, I just used my left index finger (it's just a pan, not that heavy), so while It wasn't the loudest "FUCK!" I've ever uttered, it was definitely in the top ten.
I took a look at it, immediately realized it was gonna be a second degree burn, and sighed in resignation that I'm not going to be getting any wicked sick roflstomp CoD games in the next week or so, and then I ran some cool water over it, put a burn spray on my finger, and now it's in a bandage.
This is my mom's fault. If she had been a junkie crack whore that didn't care, I wouldn't have had to worry about this at all. Instead, she was a decent lady that raised a decent son to be decent to people around him. And it got him burned. Literally.
TLDR
My upbringing, sense of ethics, and absentmindedness resulted in a small burn on my finger. And I love you, mom, =D
Lordica: I'm soaking mine in a glass of ice water. Don't soften brown sugar in the microwave.
NarcoticNarcosis: IANAD
Actually, cold water can damage the tissue. It's best to use lukewarm water.
Lordica: Well, shit.
NarcoticNarcosis: I doubt you're actually in any real danger of it. Just keep it in mind for future reference, =D
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1354425831 | 1355185791 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | somedude0: TIFU - left a party, broke into someones house, got in a fight with a police officer
Yea, I was doin drugs and drinking at a party and got too drunk, left to go home.
broke into someones house to sleep, I figured it would be cool, then they called the cops
got in a fight with the cops
yea I am in trouble now
Mr_Hermitiowish: lol I don't believe you
somedude0: no seriously I am going to court on tuesday. 1 count of resisting a peace officer 1 count of criminal tresspassing 1 count of underage consumption and 1 count of public intoxication
I am going to potentially get into a mental health program that I just gotta check in every few weeks and the charges will get dismissed
Ghost17088: When did this happen?
somedude0: bout 2 and a half weeks ago
Ghost17088: Only 3 weeks between your arrest and court date? I'm calling bullshit. Post a pic of the ticket with your name blocked out.
somedude0: u can trust me nigga
Ghost17088: Now I definitely don't.
somedude0: I could care less to be honest. do u know who I am???
Ghost17088: You're an anonymous troll on the internet.
somedude0: no, it is a true story. I went tuesday met with my lawyer and plead not guilty. now he is going to make a deal with the prosecutor.
Ghost17088: Post a picture of the ticket with the name blocked out.
| 12 | 0.5 | |
1354479763 | 1357009516 | t3_144sx7 | t5_2to41 | 35 | withmorten: Seriously, that didn't work for me. Why do you think I was so dumbfounded?
I can click the picture as often as I want, NOTHING happens. The cursor doesn't even change hovering over it.
[deleted]: What browser are you using? Try right-clicking on the area and click "Open Image".
withmorten: Tried it in Chrome and Firefox. Open Image opens the thumbnail.
Photobucket is just weird. Sometimes it redirectes me to the page with the image embedded, sometimes it says "File not found", now it directly opens.
[deleted]: If you aren't using a browser that lacks in features (coughGoogle Chromecough), try disabling automatic redirection. As an example, Opera allows you to do this.
withmorten: That indeed is weird that Chrome doesn't support enabling/disabling that. Even Firefox does ...
[deleted]: That's because Firefox is actually an okay browser.
withmorten: Let's start not one of these discussions, every browser has its advantages and disadvantages, and everybody their own preferences.
[deleted]: There is absolutely no reason for you to stifle discussion here. Chrome lacks in features. No one in their right mind can dispute that. Sure, it contains the essential features that a browser should have, but it offers almost no customization options to the user. Firefox, Opera, even Internet Explorer offer more.
Defenerate: I understand that, but chrome is so much nicer for developers man, I can't turn away
[deleted]: How is it nicer for developers? Opera's Dragonfly is the perfect addition for debugging, and if you need additional functionality, extensions can handle it.
Defenerate: Chrome's developer tools cater the best that I've found. The timeline feature is great, as you can diagnose your exact framerate, then how much of the space of each frame is being taken by which processes, which really helps to optimize, as well as let you know if you're say, making unnecessary calls to the DOM. The memory graph is handy, and things like being able to take good Javascript CPU profiles, memory heaps etc.
<fanboy>Furthermore, while chrome has the least features, it is (quite possibly as a result of this) many many times faster than essentially any other browser, and has more support for things like html5.</fanboy>
However if you can prove otherwise I'd love to hear, I may be wrong, other browsers may have just as good tools, I just haven't seen them.
[deleted]: Hmm, timeline. I was not even aware of that tool! That does indeed make it better than Dragonfly. I won't get into the "speed" argument, though, because there are multiple things that go into that: javascript, css, and html rendering; cold boot times; string operations; animation; DOM transformations, etc.
Defenerate: I must say that if it were not for timeline I would use other browsers more, but the frame breakdown is just so beautiful.
| 13 | 2.692308 | |
1354416122 | 1354605732 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | stormaes: TIFU by getting a tick on a testicle.
Me and this girl have been sleeping together for a while now, and we recently spent some time down the coast.
And everything was great, until we had to come home.
We got home and were so wrecked that we went to bed for a cuddle without having a proper shower.
So cuddling turned into vigorous fucking. Both of us nearly at climax when... SUDDEN SCROTAL PAIN! Looked down to find a tick burrowing itself into my nutsack.
Both me and my girl freak OUT and move quickly and grab tweezers and dettol.
Drenched my nuts and the tweezers in dettol, and then realised that pouring dettol on your scrotum is a really really bad idea. Its like someone has stuck your nuts in a frying pan. And thats not to mention the bug that was still burrowing into me.
Blasting through the pain I managed to rouse the courage to pluck the tick from my gonads. But the "head" was still inside so i had to pluck that out with a needle.
Needless to say that neither me nor the girl finished that night.
Loutalking: no get yourself checked for Lyme disease.
stormaes: Already got an appt. with the doc.
bobtheundertaker: IS this the norm? I don't think you are supposed to get checked every time you get a tick bite. Just remember that one bit you in case you feel ill. I guess it wouldn't hurt to be safe, but I h (being from Arkansas) have had hundreds of ticks on my over the years and never once gotten checked or felt ill.
stormaes: No, but at the start of the trip we went bush bashing near the beach while hammered as fuck. Got a carpet of leeches all over and one of my friends got a kidney/blood/something-that -they-dont-know infection and had to go to hospital.
And I was the only other person to get as covered in leeches as she did (she took it really well considering all the other girls were freaking out, let me burn about 7 leeches of her legs, and then let me keep one of them in a jar for a couple of days).
catcradle5: You didn't mention that in the story.
If I was covered in fucking leeches of all things I would not be doing shit until after I was examined by some sort of doctor.
stormaes: Umm... I'm fine. The leeches got on us on the first day, tick on the last.
I didn't include that in the story because it wasn't exactly relevant.
Leeches aren't that bad, though.
| 7 | 11.714286 | |
1354427876 | 1354438410 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU: and drank hyper-saturated saltwater
Well i was experimenting with a friends idea to murder someone he had the idea of boiling water for it to retain more salt and taste less salty and i dumped 1 ounce of salt into a cup i while holding it because i was bored grabbed a straw and started blowing bubbles into it then i accidentally blew too hard on it and it squirted everywhere including down my throat to my stomach I instantly felt the effects of shock and started shivering (a noticeable symptom of dehydration) I noticed the dehydration and drank a fuckton of water the effects got more and more severe and I vomited 5 times I then went to the ER and they measured a bunch of stuff about my physical state and gave me an electrolyte solution allowing me to live through the night.The next morning i just experienced some shivering but after intense drinking it went away i fucked up so bad and i have a feeling that this level of dehydration can cause brain damage.
3141592652: Something seems odd about this story. I mean how much did you actually swallow for you to get that dehydrated, it seems fake. Still not sure though.
GrandKittah: I agree. Sounds fake. Not sure how even eating a tablespoon of solid salt would cause those type of effects instantly.
Ghost17088: Yeah, plus he was blowing out through a straw. How would it go down his throat.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1354469577 | 1354502849 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | SearchingforMemory: TIFU and made assumptions that my girlfriend was on a date before actually finding out the whole situation.
Today I royally fucked up.
So, I went to work where I begin at 3pm and work until 1130pm. The whole time my girlfriend is texting me that she’s lonely and depressed. I felt bad because she let me borrow her car therefore leaving her stuck at home. I work in a call center so its hard to have a convo with her. Anyways, I leave for home and stop by to get her flowers in hopes to cheer her up. I get home and she's not there. I look all over the house thinking she's hiding and trying to scare me. So after my search I finally decide to give her a ring. I call her and my phone drops the call. A minute later she texts me and says that she's with her aunt. I leave it at that. I know she was feeling lonely and depressed so I’m happy that she went out. While I’m at home I decide to cheer her up and clean the house. Top to bottom. Clean the living room, the kitchen, the dishes, the bathroom, bedroom, vacuum, etc. While I’m wrapping up my sister calls me asking what I’m doing. I say nothing just hanging out at home. She then asks me why my GF is downtown with another guy. Immediately I see red. I jump in the car and head down there quick. While driving I call her with no luck, call her aunt (she's really close with her aunt so she would know if something was going on) and it rings then goes to voicemail. I head into the bar to find my girlfriend talking to this guy and I say thats my girlfriend, as I push him aside to get to her. We go outside and she's furious. I’m having a rage blackout right now just yelling at her while she's yelling right back. She tells me that she was out with her aunt and uncle with these people and her uncle got sick and they still wanted to go out so they did, my girlfriend, the guys and five other people. While I’m trying to get her to see my side of the story she says that I’m psycho for showing up and says were done. I leave the bar alone. As I’m leaving I see the group that she's with, something that my sister who has had a vendetta for my (former) girlfriend failed to mention.
While I’m back at home her aunt calls and confirms and explains the whole story that they went out, her uncle got sick and had to go home. She gets home and explains that we are in fact done because I can’t trust her at all. Three year relationship, living together, getting ready to take a trip to the west coast where I was going to propose in the next two months, done.
TL;DR I fuck up and made assumptions that my girlfriend was on a date before actually finding out the whole situation and embarrassed my girlfriend amongst her friends.
Baroliche: I want to know why you have considered cheating on her? You can deny it all you want, but the only reason why you jumped to that conclusion so quickly is that your mind is already working that way.
Murrgalicious: So what, you have been suspicious of a guy walking down the street at night towards you because he could be a murderer, because you yourself have considered murdering some random that is walking towards you at night?
Flawed logic bro, suspicion isn't fed from guilt.
I myself would not cheat on anyone, and haven't. But I tend to be a little suspicious, because I may have trust issues but not because I would cheat myself.
prussianiron: Same exact thing here. I tend to be a little suspicious, especially if they delete texts, but I have never and would never cheat. It's against my morals.
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1354480556 | 1354671373 | null | t5_2to41 | 831 | [deleted]: TIFU by vomiting because my shit was so disgusting.
Last night I went out for a few drinks with my mates at the pub, nothing that amazing to report besides we got pretty drunk and laughed at stupid shit. The real event happened this morning.
I woke up hungover as fuck and decided to get myself a nice fry-up for breakfast. When I came downstairs I realised that I was out of bacon. No big deal since there is a corner shop literally 50 yards from my house. As I was walking I must have loosened up my bowels because the moment I walked into the shop the urge to shit hit me like a brick wall. I could feel it flowing down through me as a rate my asshole would never stop.
Now, is probably a good time to mention that last night I had 6 pints of Guinness (which gives you the shits as it is) followed by a HUGE chicken curry that my local Chinese serves. Quite frankly I had mixed up within me the worst shit imaginable. As soon as I got through the door I blurted to the clerk "Can I use the toilets?". She was a bit surprised by my urgency but pointed me towards them. I frantically rushed in and took my pants down. As soon as my ass hit the seat my body seemed to take it as the sign to fire at will.
A massive load of shit immediately spurted out to the sound of cannon fire, followed by a steady stream going to the tune of a series of loud cracks and creeks. This is a small shop so you can be guaranteed that both the clerk and the other customers in there heard everything. The uncontrollable farting was interrupted by 3 more eruptions to rival the initial blast. The sound was echoing around the toilet bowel, making it even louder. All through this ordeal I was sweating profusely and gripping the side of the tiny cubical for dear life.
When it was over I was physically drained. I sat there in pain and exhaustion for a few seconds before gingerly bringing myself to my feet. I looked into the bowl to survey the damage and the brown mess that met my eyes combined with the smell that hit my nostrils at the same moment summoned another beast from within me. I began to spew vomit into the already destroyed toilet. Well, not *only* into the toilet, the spread was so wide that it was splattering against both walls of the cubical.
It was basically the same stuff that came out of my ass, with the same rancid Guinness/Curry stench. At it's peak it came out with enough power to bring me to my knees which put me now face to face with the horror show in the toilet. As a reflex action I twisted my head to the side and puked directly onto the floor before eventually collapsing against the side of the cubical, drained and panting, my pants still around my ankles.
I must have sat there for 5 minutes before I heard the shout "Are you okay in there?!" from the shop floor. "I'm fine" I spluttered. I was not fine, I was soaked in vomit and so was the cubical. I began the messy process of cleaning up myself and the cubical. At first I was afraid this would cause me to vomit again but at this point I was numb, my body had given all it had. After 3 flushes worth of vomit and shit soaked toilet paper I walked out of the cubical and back home, not daring to meet anyone's eye.
**TL;DR: After a night of beer and curry I shit in a shop bathroom and proceeded to vomit on it.**
SwagMasterMo: i feel you man. i had a virus a few days ago, and i had diareah and vomiting. it was horrible. and im only 13. the virus was apparently gastrointeritus which is the inflamation of the stomach and intestines.
and i pretty much spent 3 hours of that day in the bathroom shitting, vomiting and sweating for 3 hours.
randomguy65: "only 13"
That explains the username.
[deleted]: And spelling... But then again I'm only 14.
Hazelrat10: That explains part of the username.
[deleted]: People born in 1998 are 14 now?
FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
adwarakanath: Holy shit I'm old. DAE feel like the clock stopped at 2000?
ApolloGiant: I used always forget to tack on the extra 5-10 years after 2000 when trying to figure out how many years ago some old-timey event was.
adwarakanath: Exactly. This is why I feel like the clock stopped in 2000
| 9 | 92.333333 | |
1354487474 | 1354502716 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | payrock469: TIFU the guy I hired to do my essay ran off with my money, essay due in less than 24 hours
Lady_McFuzzySlippers: Yeah, you should've hired me instead. I would've done it for $30.
payrock469: Lol would u be willing to do it though??
[deleted]: it's a trap
payrock469: At this point, i'm willing to do just about anything for a little help with this. (wonderful is someone can do the whole thing for me). Im just slammed with finals thats why I hired the dude in the first place.
bobtheundertaker: He is making fun of you. Are you that thick? Falling for it the first time was stupid. Do your own damn work next time. Start tonight and if you don't finish on time turn it in a day late. The grade you get will be better than the grade that you earned. The grade that you earned was a 0.
payrock469: Thats what im doing right now lol this essay is purely bs
| 7 | 0.142857 | |
1354484002 | 1354492637 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | Uber_Chicken: TIFU by farting at work and making my boss call out an expensive plumber
Basically, I farted at work (really badly) and my boss thought that the drains had made the smell and has now called out a very expensive plumber to sort out the problem. I could of just told him that it was me but didn't exactly want to admit that I had made that god awful smell and now I can't say anything because I will look worse than if I had just admitted it in the first place. The gas/wind has continued since that day, I think it is because of my recent diet change. Oops!
brandonopolis: Phyllis?
UnbredConstant: Oh god, I hope he's Phyllis.
Uber_Chicken: Sorry to disappoint you but I am not Phyllis
UnbredConstant: Damn.
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1354491522 | 1354529797 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | chilicookoff34: TIFU my relationship with my best friend/boyfriend.
I have been dating my now ex-boyfriend for the past 4 and a half years, it started off rocky but we got through it and we've been crazy in love with each other all these years and I became closer with him than I ever have with ANY person in my entire life.
Last February (2011) we got into an argument because I was somewhere that he did not want me to be because he thought my ex-boyfriend might have been there, which he was not. My boyfriend called me and wanted me to leave so he could use my computer because he had an assignment due at midnight that he had to email his teacher, I told him I wanted to stay out an hour longer and then I would come home (I do not go out very often). He wanted me to come home right then so of course I did. I got home and was upset because I was having a good time and didn't think it was fair that he was acting in such ways. He got mad, broke up with me, and left. We stayed broken up for a month, and then got back together. A few short days after we got back together he had gotten into a public fight with one of our mutual friends on Facebook, my friend said some nasty things to him as he did as well to the friend, I told them both I was not getting involved and I didn't. He got mad at me for not sticking up for him. A few days later he moved away to live with his family, I of course was completely shocked and upset, he said it had to be done. There was nothing I could really do about it. For the next 3 weeks he would come home on the weekends but he wouldn't even tell me I would have to find out from someone else, while he was gone at his new home he would never respond to texts or phone calls. I had taken it that it was over for good.
A guy that I had class with started taking interest in me and we began texting, nothing nasty or talking about how we like each other. A few days later my ex-boyfriend came home and I told him I had been texting this guy, he freaked out and left but said we would talk later. We didn't talk. I began dating this guy from class a few weeks later and ended up having sex with him. 3 months after the fight my ex-boyfriend decides to text me (telling me how much he missed me and whatnot). A few weeks later he comes home and I go over to say hi, we talked for a few hours and I told him about the guy I had been seeing, he went ballistic and left town again. A few nights later the guy I had been seeing from class pretty much tries to rape me so I ended it.
Ex-boyfriend comes back and says he is sorry for ever leaving and sorry he stopped talking to me, he wants to be back together and loves me and all that. We get back together in June of this year, it was hard for him at first, it was hard for him to get over the fact I had given myself to someone else, I tell him it never would have never happened if he hadn't left me, I'm sorry and I am disgusted (because I was) I want to forget about it and move on with our life together. It occasionally gets brought up throughout the months but we deal with it.
This Tuesday he told me there is someone else, a 21 year old black girl with a kid that is a year and a half old. Mind you I am 21, he is 24. He said he couldn't handle thinking about me being with someone else while he was gone and that it wasn't the same, he liked her because she made him forget about it.
So my question to you all is, did I really fuck up my relationship? Or does this sound like an excuse for him to be with someone else? What would you do in my situation? Is there anyway I could make him see the light in being with me? I'm a great girlfriend, I do everything for him and try to be the best, I can be crazy at times because it's my woman instinct. Any advice would be great.
Chainmail_Danno: Wow... A little too much detail, not enough formatting.
Here's a TL;DR for you: "Got into a fight with my long-term boyfriend. He then acted irrationally and broke up with me. Now he's dating some other chick to 'forget about me.' Is this my fault?"
And no. He sounds like someone you want to avoid.
chilicookoff34: I know it was a lot I just wanted to get it all out there before I forgot to mention any crucial details. Thank you for the advice.
ordona: Line breaks (press enter twice) really help, though.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1354504162 | 1354553876 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | EL_DIABLOW: TIFU: by ruining my christmas surprise from my girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I had planned to go to Boston, one of our favorite places in January. We were just gonna do normal stuff and visit my family but I am a HUGE Cetlics fan. I really really wanted to go to a game and had been looking up tickets. I talked to her about it and she just said "No, we're doing enough and spending enough money plus you know I'm not really a basketball fan" Anyway, I was determined to go so I kept insisting until finally she broke down and said. "Because I already bought you tickets for Christmas…" She is really upset and I feel like a huge jackass, any advice reddit?
tldr; prematurely christmased all over my girlfriends feelings and ruined something she put a lot of thought into.
Pvt-Richard: Women HATE when surprises are ruined ... I have no worthwhile advice for ya', maybe get her some ice cream, gals love ice cream ...
Erikster: Ice Cream just about always works.
Pvt-Richard: It's a miracle drug, much like chicken-noodle soup.
| 4 | 12 | |
1354507994 | 1354679820 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | Mudbloods4Voldemort: TIFU by cutting my hair wrong.
I (female) was cutting my bangs straight across. I got them even and straight across about at my browline...then when I looked in the mirror I realized I forgot that when hair dries it kinda shrinks upward with volume. It is terrible and so, so short. I look like an eight year old. I've cut my own hair plenty of times before, but always doing side-swept bangs which are hard to mess up and I usually leave them kind of long. My long distance boyfriend is coming in four days and hasn't seen me in person for two and a half years (we started dating four months ago). I seriously fucked up this time.
DSTakumiDerp: ever heard of extensions?
Mudbloods4Voldemort: I have very fine hair...and extensions for bangs would look extremely terrible and very noticeable. :(
DSTakumiDerp: oh... okay.
Mudbloods4Voldemort: Sorry I was being pessimistic. lol Update: I skyped my boyfriend and he said it looked great! (I think he lies because he loves me, but either way I'm not too stressed out about it anymore. :P)
DSTakumiDerp: yay! happiness for the internetz peoples!!
| 6 | 2 | |
1354502437 | 1354538945 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my friends discounts
Happened yesterday technically, but today was the ass chewing for it.
I'm 17 and work at a Dunkin Donuts. I typically work the afternoon/evening shift, which is slow as all hell. Like, sometimes there will be 20 minutes with nobody coming in.
So my friend and his girlfriend decided to ease my boredom and visit me at work. I was being good, everything maintenance, cleaning, and stocking-wise was done, and when a customer came in I would help them, so my friends being there didn't affect my work at all. At the end of my shift they decided to justify their coming in here and got some ice cream, at which point I gave them the employee discount. A grand total of $3.60 off of I think 20-something dollars of ice cream quarts.
Well apparently this was a no-no. I got yelled at this morning by the main manager because we're not allowed to give discounts to family or friends, and even though I didn't know this, it was my first offense, and it was only $3.60 (which, by the way, if it wasn't for me asking them to come see me, they wouldn't have bought the ice cream in the first place, so I actually made a *profit* for the store), I got a severe ass-chewing. She told me that she would fire me on the spot if it happened again.
Well this put me into a shitty mood, and I was already in a shitty mood with relationship issues, stress over my PFT that will decide whether I get into the Marine Corps Officers Program this year, and approaching deadlines for college classwork and exams. This was just the thing that sent me over the edge.
I was in a rage and, though I didn't actually do anything harmful, I made it very clear with my body language and how I was talking, the little I was. I was about ready to just explode. I was trying to vent to a good friend to cool down, when I then got pulled in the back for texting. She almost fired me, but I kind of broke down and told her all about my problems and how part of it was because I had no time to do schoolwork or fix my problems because they started making me work almost every day. She decided to give me the day off and a second chance.
Sadly this seems to be a cycle with me. I have time for a social life and schoolwork, but no money. Then I get a job and have to pick between them, and it ends up fucking up my sleep schedule and stressing me out to the point where I can't take it all anymore because they put me on the schedule too damn much.
On the bright side, they now know not to overwork me and my schedule is reverted back to just weekend afternoons, which I can definitely handle. I'm really hoping that everything starts clearing up when they stop putting me on the clock so much. Especially since next semester I'm starting calculus, english, history, and communications.
Wiggleman: man the fuck up son, it could be worse... you could have like, one leg or something
prussianiron: Did I say that I had the worst life ever? I must've missed that tidbit.
paio420: no but you sure as fuck are bitching about some ridiculous shit. like you were already in trouble and you were texting on the clock? getting in trouble for the discount is some BS tho.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1354525323 | 1354553124 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | mrblonde99: TIFU by not testing the outdoor Christmas lights before putting it up in the tree.
Well it says it all. I usually always test the lights before putting it up. Climbed up in the tree, had the kids help me. Spend 20 minutes making sure the lights follow different branches to make the tree look nice.
Climb down. Connect the lights to the power. Smack my palm to may face. The neighbor stood and laughed across the hedge. He suggested hanging a sign in the tree with the words "Nice lights!".
JustLetMeComment: I'm........I'm not getting it. Pic?
functor: The lights didn't work. He'll have to take down all the lights and replace them with ones that work.
green072410: Thanks-I didn't get it either.
| 4 | 10 | |
1354533507 | 1354567291 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending my Ex a friend request on facebook.
I guess this seems immature and lame, but when i deleted her it was kind of supposed to be a fuck you. Haven't spoken to her in three months and then for some reason I looked at her profile and accidentally clicked on the friend request button. I don't know why but it's really pissing me off cuz now if I can't just delete her...
syruup: Did she accept? If so, shoot her a message saying "F You AGAIN!" and redelete.
[deleted]: Yeah she did accept.
The thing is I don't want her to think I give a shit.
SpongederpSquarefap: Did you have sex with her? If so message her with a link to that Family Guy episode of AIDS.
[deleted]: Of course I had sex with her I'm not 12...
SpongederpSquarefap: Haha, good.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1354549733 | 1354603038 | null | t5_2to41 | 543 | tifuacomputer: TIFU my boss's computer
At work today someone had to use my computer for a minute, so I decided to use my free time trying to figure out the sound my bosses computer makes. I'm pretty sure its the harddrive but I wanted to test the fans.
I unplugged what I thought was the fan, but now know it was actually the power supply. This is while the computer is still on btw. Computer immediately shuts off, I think wtf the fan shouldnt cause that. Realize it was the power supply. Oh shit.
Now the computer wont turn on and idk wtf to do.
TIFU
edit: I told him I was running disk cleanup and it just shut down. I was indeed running the cleanup when it happened. I moved the hard drive to another computer and its undamaged. His computer wont power up but the on/off button is blinking like it does when its off. It just doesnt turn on at all. Am waiting for his files to be backed up before I put it back together and try again.
EDIT #2: I put the hard drive back in, popped out the motherboard battery, held the power button down for a few seconds, hooked everything back up. It turned on! But.. it's only staying on for a minute before shutting off. Fans are working at least!
SuperNinKenDo: Plug it back in.
tifuacomputer: I did :p
Friendly_Ax_Murderer: Did you press the power button?
s15slider: Have you restarted the printer cables?
Abezilla116: Jiggle around the antenna a bit, see if you get a picture.
crunktheremin: Blow in the cartridge then pop it back in and hit the power button
CUM_IN_THE_FISHBOWL: If that doesn't work, try adjusting the flux capacitor.
manwhale: And if *that* doesn't work, cum in the fishbowl.
| 9 | 60.333333 | |
1354553387 | 1354568159 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | magitoddw: TIFU attempting to try anal the first time.
Wasnt today, was years ago... let my shame be your lesson. Was with a now ex, and I had been barking up the anal tree for months and she must have decided to shut me up. She tells me that it might not be so bad for her if we use Orajel (an over the counter oral anesthetic) to make her anus not feel the pain of anal sex. I agreed, I mean.. hell I was going to get to stick it in her butt I would have probably agreed to anything.
Anyhow..
This.. was a terrible.. idea.
Perhaps the plan would have gone better with a condom.... Mere moments into the deed my dick IS ON FIRE.. and then suddenly I lose all sensation as Im pounding away on my then girlfriends formerly virgin butthole..
Me "Can you feel anything?"
Her "Nope."
Me "damn.. me neither.. guess we should stop huh?"
Her "if you want."
Yup.. took an hour or so then my willy was back, but we never tried that again.
RIPmarley: Why...why didn't you just use lube?
InstyKim: Ya! Or go all *Last Tango in Paris* style and use butter. I mean, well, if you didn't have lube or were too young to be doing that sort of....er...well, I'll show myself out.
Lolworth: mmm, buttered santorum
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1354556239 | 1354557723 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | nirdefchains91: TIFU by breaking a brand new 1.5 Terabyte external hard drive
My girlfriend got me an early Christmas present: a shiny 1.5 TB hard drive. I was so excited. I immediately started putting all of my favorite *legally obtained* files onto it. Last night I moved my laptop (with the hard drive attached) from one position to another and the hard drive bumped into one of my couch cushions. The hard drive started making a weird whirring sound and wouldn't read on the computer. So I ruined my girlfriend's gift to me AND all my files are gone.
Livesinthefuture: Be honest, external hard drives don't stop working when you *bump* them against a cushion.
Did you drop it? If your version is genuine then warranty it because it's a dud drive
iMarmalade: Yeah... the extent of the bump is important here. Hard drives have internal protection against head-crashes and should be able to handle moderate handling during use.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1354558005 | 1354587632 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | TheWindWaker01: TIFU by making myself throw up.
This happened yesterday morning. I woke up with a really sore throat and could barely speak. I had an hour before work (which requires me to be able to speak). I remembered reading somewhere about how "drinking" salt water would help make your throat feel better. I took a glass, got some hot water from the sink and salted up that shit. Took a huge swig, half of it made it into my stomach by the time my tastebuds realized what happened and I threw up shitty, salty water everywhere.
Edit: thanks everyone, I knew the second I regurgitated I should have just gargled it haha.
asiad0ll: You shouldn't swallow it, you should gargle it.
coveritwithgas: disco ball
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1354299395 | 1354598786 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | sukit_tribeck: TIFU: Masturbated in the presence of Kittens.
So I adopted two kittens on Monday. They aren't super young, maybe 4 months old. I am a pretty avid wanker and thought nothing of whipping it out and fapping away. About 5 minutes in I guess one of them noticed the wiggling tip of my wang and decided it was its mortal enemy. I of coarse am focused on my screen and have no clue as to the horror about to unfold. Out of the corner of my eye I see a gray blur racing across the couch, I try to move, but it's far too late. POUNCE!! SCREAM!! This was of coarse a natural reaction, which was followed by the cats natural reaction, sink claws in further... I am not smart man.
sonofstjames: Did god kill the kitten afterwards?
sukit_tribeck: Nope. I wonder why that is?
sonofstjames: Domo stuck in Japan?
sukit_tribeck: WHAT?! LOL
sonofstjames: Haven't you ever seen the "every time you masturbate, god kills a kitten" meme? Domo is the character chasing the kitten
sukit_tribeck: I guess I haven't seen this lol.
| 7 | 2 | |
1354562332 | 1354666107 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | EJlogic: TIFU by reading /r/TIFU posts about masturbation
STOP SHOVING STUFF INTO YOUR PENIS. For your sake and the sake of readers who will feel tempted to read anything masturbation related but end up reading a horrific story of sounding.
Walican132: Wait there was more than just the magnet guy post? Shit I missed it.
SpacemanStew99: Someone took all the fluff of a Q-tip, lubed it up with conditioner and shoved it up their little weasel. (Dick)
Walican132: Well that is better than magnets, when did the fuck up come in?
SpacemanStew99: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/142vg3/tifu_while_masturbating/
There ya' go
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1354564117 | 1354672179 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by recommending a sexually explicit gay romance film to Professor.
My Prof is German and she invited us out to a pub for drinks as it's the end of the course.
We started talking and I mentioned how much I loved a gay romance film called [Weekend. (2011)](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1714210/) That in itself wouldn't be a problem, but the film talks about graphic sex, drug use and shows men having hot sweaty sex every 10mins or so.
It's a great film, but damn if I'm not screwed if she's a prude.
underpantsking: As a gender studies student, I've suggested porn in classes before.
Procrastinate-engage: ...
How did that go down?
underpantsking: Oh there were things that went down, all right ;)
But seriously, one example was a conversation about what kinds of porn are feminist, which one are misogynistic, promote rape culture, etc. I mentioned some porn from a company that produces films that focus heavily on consent, safer sex, etc.
brickmack: What company would this be? And is there even a market for that? I find it hard to imagine someone getting turned on by the characters taking a few minutes to make absolutely sure both (or more) participants are absolutely sure they consent, and making sure the guy has a condom and everything.
underpantsking: Yeah dude, there's totally a market for it. queerporntube.com It tends to focus on gay sex, but there is hetero stuff on there if that's your preference.
Re: Consent - it's often just simply check-ins during the hot stuff. I mean, you assume that they discussed it beforehand, and then during the sex, they just like, have more communication than you see in typical porn. So just asking if partner 1 is ready for partner 2 to like, idk, lick their butthole or something. Honestly, I find people I'm doing it with checking in to make sure what they're about to do is okay sexier than them just surprising me with things I'm not comfortable with anyway.
Re: Safer-sex - They're usually wearing latex gloves, or using dental dams, or wearing condoms already, or else they open the package sexily or something. Aside from the sexiness of not risking pregnancy or STIs, there are also a lot of people with latex fetishes.
Another perk of this stuff is people don't have the dead-in-the-eyes look of mainstream porn because they're being forced to do things and people they're not comfortable with. Honestly, most of the mainstream porn I've been exposed to seems kind of rape-y because the actors are so clearly uncomfortable.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1354572577 | 1354642263 | null | t5_2to41 | 224 | fdup_throw: TIFU by making out with a married friend
Well, last night anyway. I got a phone call from a friend of mine, a girl that's I've known for about four years now. We've had the "playful banter" thing going on ever since we met... but she's been married for almost 20 years and almost 10 years older than I am, so neither one of us ever came close to crossing any kind of line, let alone talking about the state of her marriage. In fact, the bulk of our "relationship" involves texting the other person when we're about to eat something appetizing for lunch or dinner with a picture of the meal and a caption like "glad you're not here to ruin this for me."
Last night, I got a phone call from her. She's been to an event and got drafted to do a little amateur bartending. I was also out, separately, and had had a bit to drink myself. She tells me that I should roust myself out of bed because she's stopping by. She says she's sick of making drinks and knows she can drink my alcohol for free. This is banter and we've spent time, alone, at my place before without anything even remotely happening. When I tell her I'm out, she says "ok, I'll wait. But hurry, I have to pee." You'll wait? Not to distribute blame here because I did the kissing (we're getting to it, I promise), but why would you call me up to come over and then wait for me to get home? Oh, yes, alcohol. It doesn't lead to good decision making. But she's not a lightweight or a lush, so I head towards my place.
When I get there, she's about as sober as I am and we end up on my couch, first drinking bourbon, then port (does that even matter?). She's telling me tales of how, when she was in college, she got revenge on an ex-boyfriend by picking up the girl he left her for, fucking that girl, and then dumping her. Again, alarm bells should have been ringing. They weren't. I'm dumb. Then she's joking about her bra, how it's more of a sports bra and clasps in the front and how un-sexy that is. And I'm idiotically playing around as though I'm trying to figure out how to unclasp it. Her head ends up, non-sexually, in my lap a couple of times, and then I'm stroking her upper back and giving her a backrub. This seemed like a good idea at the time. It wasn't. I am dumb.
Eventually, I lean in (yes, I'm the asshole) and she says "no, no, we shouldn't" but I kiss her lightly anyway... and then she's mostly on top of me and her tongue is down my throat. It's 15 seconds of a very heavy kiss. Then she pulls back and says "oh god, what have I done!" and bolts for the door. She's drunker than when she came in, and my thoughts are "I'm an asshole for that" and "shit, she shouldn't be driving." I follow her out the door and catch up to her on the front walk. I say "you shouldn't be driving, you might..." and then she's in my arms, sobbing. "Oh, he'll hate me forever, I can't believe I did that, what was I thinking?" I'm trying to calm her down and doing a decent job, for a second.
Then I make another mistake. My thoughts were, get her calmed down, get her keys, call her a cab. But I say "ok, wait, just come back in for a second so you can collect yourself" and it hits me that that was exactly the wrong thing to say, it sounds like I'm trying to get her to do... something. She picks up on that too, apparently, because she bolts at that moment, sprinting for her car. I follow, but she's already in the car when I get there, frantically backing it out of her parking space. She almost hits an on-coming car, avoids me, and speeds away.
Later, I get a few texts from her. I'd tried to call so I at least know she's going to make it home or to confirm which ditch she's crashed into, but she hasn't answered and I'm worried. The first one says "He's checking AT&T to see who's calling so don't." I assume this means her husband, but he wouldn't know anything unless she's told him. Then I get "I am stupid" followed by "This is my fault and I hope you forgive me." I don't even know what to say at this point, first I'm thinking her husband is coming to kill me and now I'm thinking that it's not her fault, it's MY fault. I don't respond.
About 30 minutes later, I get "I am sorry about tonight. All my fault. I will return your books and delete your number." She's borrowed a few books from me, but at this point they're the least of my worries. I finally respond and say "Can I text you? As in, will you listen to anything I say? A) you are not stupid, please stop saying that B) why are you saying anything is your fault?"
I get no response. This was last night, about 11pm. I have heard nothing from her since and I don't expect to. Strangely, if she did tell her husband, he and I are still friends on Facebook. She doesn't have an account as of last year, but that had nothing to do with any drama, as far as I know. So, I fucked up by not just kissing a married woman, but also costing myself a very good friend. And I failed to mention her husband was formerly in the military, so I might end up a friendless, married-woman-kissing asshole who has been beaten to a bloody pulp.
**TL;DR: A married female friend of mine came over last night. I should have sent her home. Instead, I made out with her, which led to her having an attack of conscience and running out the door to tell her ex-military husband about it. So I'm not just an asshole, now I might die.**
Edit: I've replied to most of you in another wall of text, it's somewhere down there...
kapnmurphy: I don't that's a super huge deal
Synth3t1c: wat
kapnmurphy: Its... probably a big deal =/
theodrixx: You mean you DO that's a super huge deal?
kapnmurphy: I accidentally a word, my b
theodrixx: No worries, just poking fun. You know how it is.
| 7 | 32 | |
1354582030 | 1354705702 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | prussianiron: TIFU by having all my money stolen
Don't know how, or why, or who, but all of the money in my checking account was just stolen today. Now, 4 days ago this would be ok, as I only had about $30. Then I deposited my paycheck and now I have $0 and my almost $300 is out there somewhere because some sick fuck decided to steal a 17 year old's identity.
I really wish people like this would just fucking die a horrible, painful, slow death. I fucking hate people.
EDIT: Oh yeah. We're going to the bank tomorrow, not sure if they'll fix it or not, but they should, especially since it shouldn't be too hard to see where $283 magically disappeared to overnight. But it's likely to take more than a few days even if they decide to. Guess my siblings aren't getting any Chanukah gifts from me this year.
Ghost17088: You really didn't fuck up, but do you have a PayPal?
prussianiron: Nope.
happlepaff: 1. make paypal account
2. Receive what appears to be leading up to a $300 donation from some almost comically overgenerous redditor
3. ????
4. PROFIT!
prussianiron: I appreciate the offer, I couldn't take it though. But you are an amazing person and you should feel amazing.
Ghost17088: Well, you could always pay it back when you get everything figured out. This would just ensure that you and your siblings holidays aren't affected.
| 6 | 5 | |
1354597061 | 1354676810 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | imnotcooldude: TIFU by jizzing like peter north.
Not much to say, I hadn't had a sexual release in 5 days(usually fap erry day) and I had ended up with 6 consecutive blue balls having sex with my girlfriend becayse my dick wouldn't cum. When I came home, first thing I did was fap, it lasted 2 minutes but HOLY SHIT, my dick became a canon.
Jizz flying everywhere, a tiny bit on my forehead, allover my bedspread and some even on my laptop. Anyways, it was nice and I couldn't stop laughing, never thought it was possible to jizz on your own face.
VomitBin: 5 days is nothing. TIFU by unleashing 125 days of self-restraint in my pants (that I promptly proceeded to shart a few hours later).
Today was not a good day.
imnotcooldude: 5 days is nothing but when you have sex during 4 of those days and NEVER cum, its like next level edging dude.
So why did you let the dogs out after 125 days?
VomitBin: >So why did you let the dogs out after 125 days?
I accidentally fell in (deep) sleep on the couch while procrastinating. And then woke up drenched in cum.
imnotcooldude: Not the best feeling but atleast you could shower man, during those 4 days I couldn't change clothes and my boxers were drenched in precum.
Still wearing them though heh.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1354575467 | 1354662161 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | Dogon11: TIFU by chasing my mom down in her car on my pipestem... barefoot.
I had forgotten my Pink Floyd album in the car, which I really wanted, so I turned around to go outside and get it. I figured my mom, who was now on her way to the store, would still be there, after all, I had yet to shut the front door. Alas, I was wrong, and chased her barefoot down my pipestem to stop her.
To explain, I was barefoot because I always take my shoes and socks off as soon as I get in the door. No more.
And yes, I probably sound like I'm bitching, but it hurts like a mother right now. I'm surprised there's no bleeding. To add some details, I'm flat-footed and find running while stepping softly an impossibility... I'm pretty sure my weight had a little help in adding some pain as well.
tl;dr: I hurt my feet by chasing a car with a Pink Floyd album in it so I could listen to it while I did my homework because without music I cannot focus, and I had no shoes/socks on, so now my feet hurt and are nice and blackened on the bottom from the asphalt.
And yes, I did make that long on purpose. Screw tl;drs, just read.
PointyOintment: What's a pipestem?
Dogon11: It's a little branch of a road in a neighborhood that just sticks off the main neighborhood roads. IT goes nowhere, but has usually 5-15 houses on it. Mine's average, my good friend lives on an extremely large one.
PointyOintment: Like a [cul-de-sac](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cul-de-sac)?
SpacemanStew99: Cul-de-sacs for the win! Just learned how to spell it haha.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1354604987 | 1354811766 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | jewbixcubee: TIFU by getting arrested over an exit sign
Well, technically 2 exit signs.
So, I am a college freshman who just finished a final, and I don't have another one for 3 days. Naturally, I figured, let's throw a party.
Let me preface this by saying i recently switched rooms to live with my friend, David. Because both him and I are such assholes, we have taken up this hobby of decorating our room with the most obnoxious and awesome things we can find. A few days ago, my roommate stole an American flag from a car dealership. After a short conversation, we came up with a pact to steal an exit sign the next time one of us was drunk enough to get the nerve.
So, we have a little get together. Playing drinking games and just having a good time. Then, this girl I have a fling with invited me outside for a quick drunken make out session. After that was done I thought I'd look like a knight in shining armor if I got this sign. So I go down the hallway and yank a bright one down, wires and all. I brought it back to the party and was king for about 5 minutes as people stared at it illuminating the room.
Later on, the party got to big for my room to contain, so we brought it to one of my friend's suite. A little drinking and smoking later and I think it would be a great idea to snag another sign and give it to my lady friend. Same process as before, yank it down, and then we headed off to our dorm.
So somewhere along the line my dumbass didn't think that it would be an issue to carry a lighting up exit sign down the road at 3 am. Well, the cop that just happened to drive by afterwords disagreed. He shouted for me to stop, I attempted to drop the sign and run, but soon realized it wasn't happening. So I stopped, lied and said that was the only sign I had. Then he asked to see my room. There he found the other sign.
So, I was taken down to the police station, handcuffed to a bench for 6 hours, finegrprinted, the whole deal. Got charged with 2 charges of criminal mischief and 2 for petty larsony (2 for each sign). It's going to cost about 2000$ to get off my record, and I'm sure my parents will not be pleased.
qleblat: Did it open up your mind?
jewbixcubee: A lot, made me realize that being drunk doesn't give you invincibility. But more importantly it served as a final warning for me to get my act together.
Kazinsal: > made me realize that being drunk doesn't give you invincibility
This is not the lesson you should be taking from this. -_-
russian_afronaut: The lesson is "don't get caught." It seems that all would have gone well if he hadn't been caught.
bored2242: The lesson is "get caught". It seem that you might get more Karma that way.
russian_afronaut: "Steal the second sign man! Think about the karma you could earn!"
| 7 | 4 | |
1354622418 | 1354658664 | null | t5_2to41 | 286 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting friendzoned by a delivery
So I somehow get dream tickets to a basketball game for myself and this girl I've been into for a while. 11 rows up playing her hometown team, the perfect date. Everything goes perfectly well, got her to convert to my team, my team won, she's giving me the eyes... and my scumbag brain somehow freezes up when the kiss came comes on RIGHT BELOW. The cameraman looked to pan up to us but was cut off before he could. Night continues to various antics but end with me only giving her a hug outside her dorm. She lingered and goddamn did I freeze again. Something told me that this girl was worth more than that for some reason.
Now this is only fuck up number one of the weekend and this is only Friday.
Get a text the next morning saying that there is a date dash that night. Who would be better to bring than this amazing lady for a potential second chance?
Pregamed the date dash lightly as I don't want to be a complete retard in front of a girl I cared about. Turns out this was the entirely wrong drunk to be. Again, she's giving me all the right signs but I'm entering the point of drunk where I still have some semblance of morality and decide against making out with her on the dance floor when yet another opportunity arose. Night ended with me walking her back to her dorm but fucked it all up by not having my arm around her. Get the same goodbye as last time. Walk back in about 3/4 of a mile back to my apartment the rain, defeated, and pissed off, but not disheartened quite yet.
Fast forward to Monday and I get a delivery saying "I had so much fun with you this weekend! I'm glad we became friends". Friendzoned goddamn pretty hard.
Edit: Should have mention, deliveries are a tradition my school has between fraternities and sororities every week. Pretty much you send gifts back and forth every week.
Tl;Dr: I friendzoned myself with a dream girl by not making moves two nights in a row and received the friendzone in a delivery.
nogswarth: Be honest with her. Get in touch and say you were a bag of nerves, and that you intended to kiss her but you froze up. Try and make it a bit more in her favour, though. Don't say 'I'm a pussy, sorry for being a weasel', try saying 'I was just overthrown by how much I like you and although I'm really into you, I just didn't want to rush things too much'. Explain that you had hoped that something more could blossom between you, and without being presumptuous you thought you got the same impression from her too.
Girls like honesty, even if it means you have to take one on the chin, but really it seems like she already knows that it's mostly your fault and this could well be one of those sly female tests of your chivalry and honesty. If you're straight with her it shows you are willing to bare your soul a little too, which also might help.
Alex1609: Hey OP, do exactly what this person says, it's pretty much perfect advice for this situation.
What you have to lose: Nothing really. Things might be awkward for a little while if she isn't that in to you, but she'll know where you stand and will admire your honesty.
What you have to gain: Constant sex with a girl you fancy, a best friend, a loving partner.
Pro's outweigh the con's OP - I expect an update.
[deleted]: You sir, shall have an update. Wednesday night most likely... well, actually if all goes well I won't be on reddit at all Wednesday night.
Granpafunk: Looking forward to your post Wednesday night.
ky1e: Man that's cruel...but I laughed
| 6 | 47.666667 | |
1354636087 | 1355185207 | null | t5_2to41 | 332 | bleedingumsmuffdive: TIFU by spitting blood on a girl's chuff
This is my first throwaway account, I'm fairly certain this story justifies it.
Okay, so I recently moved to the big city to start a brand new life after ending a two-year relationship and desperately needing a fresh start. In the first week of being here, I met a pretty young girl at the housewarming party me and my friends threw, and we spent the night together. We have been seeing each other on a few occasions over the last month, the sex is outstanding and it's great to rest assured that neither of us are looking for any serious commitment. We just get high, bang like animals, and get on with our separate lives. Hooray for that!
Now, over the last few days I've begun to notice my gums were hurting - I don't take the greatest care of my teeth and I've been drinking probably ten times more than usual since I moved here - but we were having an extended weekend in bed together as neither of us had plans and so the infrequent pain paled to insignificance in light of how much of a great time my penis was having. We had been making like the beast with two backs all day and it was pretty steamy. Nothing short of a gory disaster could have killed the mood.
Cue the gory disaster.
Things were getting hot and heavy for the (insert number) time that day, and I pushed her back onto the bed and began making my way down her body. I could taste something weird in my mouth, but I had experienced such a vibrant cocktail of fluids that day that I thought nothing of it. I get down to between her thighs and decide to aid the natural lubricative course of action, so she opens wide and I let a long thick strand of saliva cascade down from my lips. Not wasting any time to look, I dive in and go to work with my tongue. Okay, now I know *this* isn't supposed to taste like *this*. Not wanting to arouse suspicion, I gently tilt my head back to take a look, and I just see red. My gums were bleeding, I had drooled a thick amount of it onto this poor girl, and then proceeded to spread it all around sensually with my bloody tongue.
I gasp and recoil slightly in horror. She looks down at my face and her eyes widen in shock. I can't lie, I have to tell her. "Oh my god, okay. Don't be alarmed. I have just bled on you." To make matters worse, we had no toilet paper left in the house and so I had to clean her up very delicately using my boxers. She didn't look impressed. She was remarkably sporting about it in the end, but it's safe to say that the mood was sufficiently butchered by this point.
I proceeded to wash my mouth out with copious amounts of warm salt water, and the next day the dentist told me very sternly that I have a serious gum infection, bordering on gingivitis, and gave me a pretty strict warning that unless I want to lose all of my teeth, I need to take serious fucking care of them. He also said I have mild tooth decay and at least two teeth need to be removed through "complex extraction", before slapping me with a nice bill for his time and a big prescription of oral medicine that has left me with a mere £10 to my name, and my rent is due tomorrow, and I don't get paid until the 22nd. As you can imagine, these last few days have been an absolute scream for me. I dun fuckt up good, ladies and gentlemen.
**TL;DR - got a gum infection, drooled blood onto the snatch of a supple young fawn, cleaned it up with my underpants and then got financially and morally flogged by the dentist for being such a fucking idiot and not looking after my teeth. Take care of your teeth, kids. Take it from me.**
adwarakanath: Inb4 bad jokes about British dental hygiene
Edit - oh. Well then.
jon2kx: /b/rother detected.
adwarakanath: Hah
jon2kx: and now for the circle jerking, oldfag here, reporting in, NC
moody942: Newfag reporting. Inb4 lurk more, and I can't triforce, especially on a smartphone.
jon2kx: you lie fellow oldfag, maybe even ancientfag.
| 7 | 47.428571 | |
1354638159 | 1354642119 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | nfitz88: TIFU shitting myself while playing DDR
you know that one fat kid whos really really good at dance dance revolution. Well thats me, and one time at the arcade (during a furious session i must say) i felt a fart coming up mid song. The idiot i am thought i could let it slide but i was on the hardest difficulty. I straight shit myself. Luckily enough though the song had just ended and i could escape before anyone realized i had actually fully shit my pants.
Procrastinate-engage: [I have a slightly browner version of this image in my head right now](http://www.netpaths.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/press-image-eleven.jpg)
RMYinYang: Well there goes my drink, all over my screen...
| 3 | 16 | |
1354655986 | 1354745469 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | date_fuckup: TIFU by failing to get a date
This is a long read so I've divided it into paragraphs. TL;DR below!
Today I was in the gym and after I did my sets I took a cold shower and then I went into the sauna.
I had a newspaper with me (gym has them inside) and I sat down and began reading. After a while a woman comes into the sauna.
The sauna is a shared sauna, mostly its used by men since the women have a sauna of their own now, but its still open to any woman who wants to use it.
She has a towel around her waist, but not around her chest. We end up talking for 45 mins, even when she is topless I am not nervous or anything, I was actually relaxed.
She sits down and talks about the cold weather outside, from there we went from small talk to talking about our lives, we talked about everything from our opinions on certain things, or we simply shared life stories. We get into talking about cultures, me being from the middle east and she being a native Swede. She mentions that she hasn't eaten pizza in 2-3 weeks.
We talk for about 45 mins and then 2 guys come into the sauna, the convo kinda died down after they entered so I took a shower, changed and went to get my shoes.
She comes out of the ladies changing room as I'm putting on my shoes, we begin small talking again for a few minutes.
She then asks me if I know any good pizza places nearby, and I say... no
As I'm walking out of the gym I take a few steps and then it hits me like a god damn wall. "Do you know any good pizza places nearby" and that I said no.
After I had said no she told me that she was going to be in the gym next week at the same day and same time because she is doing Yoga that day, and she "would like to talk to me some more"
I am obviously going to the gym next week but what can I do to repair the pizza place fuckup?'
TL;DR - Meet woman in shared sauna, talk for 45 mins, she then
asks me if I know of any good pizza places nearby and I say no..
I guess I have a nice face, but my body is a tub of fat, so I'm at the gym working out to improve myself, but somehow even when she has seen me and all my glorious fat and moobs, she still seems interested. I have no idea what to do..
nowa90: You can recover this, say "Hey ___, I found this great pizza place this weekend. Does the offer still stand?" Then precede to eat more than pizza.
date_fuckup: Yep, will definitely ask her to go out and get some pizza. Only thing that can ruin the fucking plan would be if there is a dude in there..
nowa90: or ask her when you both get out, just see how it pans out.
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1354658679 | 1354697031 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | Scatteredbrain: TIFU by pocket dialing my mom during sex
So my iPhone broke two weeks ago, and I've been using an old phone- the env 3. So last night I went to a friends birthday party thing and afterwards we all went to some bar. after the girl I had been hitting on and buying drinks for the whole damn night told me she had a boyfriend (what. The. Fuck.), I make my way to ol' reliables dormroom. I stroll in and she knows what's up.
So i hop in bed and we begin sexy time, and my phone is in my pocket during some of the foreplay activities. In my drunken stupor I forget the recent problem ive been having with my old env 3. The env 3 has a keyboard on the front as well as flip open keyboard capabilities. And recently I had been pocket dialing various people left and right. So in my infinite wisdom I forget to take my phone out of my pocket during said foreplay activities.
After foreplay, I proceed to the main course and finish up without ever taking my jeans completely off (I'm a romantic). I should add, we weren't too quiet in our activities.
Afterwards, I stroll out like a boss and take my phone out. And there it is, a text message from my mother. I open the message and it says "wtf? Fix your goddamn phone". I'm confused, but the wheels start turning. Frantically, I check my recent calls and that's when I see it. A 90 second call to my mom about ten minutes prior. Now I'm freaking out. I feel like the worlds biggest scumbag. There is no doubt in my mind that she heard us. So fast forward to today and I still haven't said anything back out of both fear and embarrassment. I fucked up big.
TL;DR pocket dialed mom during sexy time and am too ashamed to talk her now
Update: okay, so turns out she actually didn't pick up the call. But instead I left a voicemail. This explains why the call was 90 seconds. so no, my mother is not a pervert listening in on me laying pipe. She did, however, listen to the voicemail until she realized wtf she was hearing. And then-thank the sweet lord-she proceeded to hang up.
I talked to her earlier today, and she did not mention anything specifically about it. The whole conversation I could sense awkwardness, but she did tell me to fix my phone twice. I guess some things are better left unsaid...
flavroftheweek: You should be mature about it, own up to the fact, and talk to her. There's pretty much no escaping it now.
[deleted]: OP's in college. Seriously, nobody cares if you had sex, as long as you didn't get an STD or make a baby.
Scatteredbrain: she obviously knows I'm having sex, but for her to hear me having sex is another story. Like I said it wasn't like we were both mumbling under the covers...
adberq: Just lead in with 'well... the walls were pretty thin at the house and I could hear you and dad...'
| 5 | 22.4 | |
1354659254 | 1354761246 | null | t5_2to41 | 123 | [deleted]: TIFU and was mistaken for a pedophile
Today, it was really nice out so I decided to take my dog for a walk in the woods nearby. I brought a joint to toast along the way, as I do sometimes to spice things up. What could go wrong right?
Everythings as usual, I'm enjoying my carefree afternoon. I decide to leave, stumble out of the woods realize the local elementary students have been let out. I'm thoroughly blazed by this point.
Suddenly, my little brother and classmates being sheparded home by the safeties. He doesn't see me at first, so I'm walking fast trying to catch he and his friends. He turns around and begins talking to me, letting everyone go ahead.
Teachers take notice of suspicious hooded man walking out of woods & start walking over
"Hey, how do you know John?!
"....I'm his brother" I eventually stuttered.
"ok."
She quickly ushered him away in disbelief.
Then I realized what just happened. I behaved EXACTLY LIKE A PEDOPHILE. It also didn't help I had a grill lighter hanging out my pocket because I lost my other one. Fuck.
**Tl:dr Scared teacher by walking out of shady as fuck woods, approached her children and tried talking to one while ripped on some dank.**
jutct: Don't wear hoodies and walk around getting blazed around your little brother. He's going to emulate you. Don't be a druggy idiot in front of him.
FappingAsYouReadThis: It's not like he saw his older brother smoke; he doesn't know what *being* high looks like. 10 years later he might piece it together, but that's about it.
jutct: It's still careless. Getting busted with drugs around a school is a major fucking crime, you realize that right?
FappingAsYouReadThis: Well, now you're making a *completely* different point - one I agree with.
But before you were talking about his brother emulating him because he's high - my point is that his little brother almost certainly won't know what being high looks like at that age. If he lit up in front of him, that's one thing, but he's not going to know just by the way his brother was acting; he's too young.
jutct: It's both. There are a million reasons to not be high while hanging around little kids. When his brother gets older and realizes his brother was high back then he could very well lose respect for him.
UnsavedWork: Or he might just do what most people do and laugh.
jutct: I don't know where you're from, but most people don't laugh at teenagers smoking pot near a school. We call those people losers around here.
FappingAsYouReadThis: Did you read the original post? He smoked in the *woods* and walked by the school while he was high. He didn't "smoke pot near a school".
So what makes him a "loser"? The simple fact that he smokes weed?
jutct: I'm coming across like a total dick I know. I smoke weed occasionally. I'm not some anti-drug conservative. But I'm also older and made it past my 20s without a criminal record and look back and think some of the things I did were idiotic. But do you realize how big the radius is for a "school zone"? Smoking in the woods probably puts him near the area. I'm pretty sure that's a felony. And to be clear, I don't think he's a loser for smoking weed. I think he's acting like a loser for smoking weed in the vicinity of schools and doing so seemingly without concern for his younger brother seeing what he's doing.
[deleted]: I guess it just depends where you live, some areas are much harsher on weed than others. With that said, there's nothing inherently wrong about having a kid see you smoke weed, that's more of a societal issue.
jutct: I agree, I live in CT and our awesome governor just championed it being legalized here. Once it's legal there's no issue. It should be legal everywhere. But cops and judges are fucked and will screw an otherwise good kid for something as stupid as that. I'd hate to see someone get screwed over something they could have been a little more careful with and had no problems.
| 12 | 10.25 | |
1354663797 | 1354675092 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | shitmyself: TIFU by shitting myself in the middle of the busiest rush hour METRA station.
Like the title says, TIFU by shitting myself, right in the middle of rush hour at a busy METRA station. I've been very sick for the past week and have had some pretty bad diarrhea. For the past two days I've been constipated. As I was walking back from the store and I was about 4 blocks from home, I could feel it coming. I hastened my pace, but it was too late. About a block from the train station, which I have to pass through to get home, it came out; Nice and runny down my legs (which were in shorts), but luckily most of the chunks stayed in my boxers. I had a sweatshirt on, so I took it off and wiped up what I could then tied it around my waist and kept going. I thought I could make it through the station before the train arrived, but I was wrong. Just as I was about to leave the station, about 300 people got off the train for the waiting buses. I tried to lean against a wall so no one noticed, but it was obvious that a few people did. After about a 5 minute wait, I was able to walk the rest of the way home. Great day.
lacabra: The counter has been reset.
Ghost17088: Its still showing 1 here...
| 3 | 8 | |
1354664207 | 1354731121 | null | t5_2to41 | 954 | Anotherfuckwit: TIFU by playing "That didn't hurt."
Wall of text: apologies but this story from last night goes back a long long way.
When I met my ex wife she was in a job she hated. She was envious of the fact that I worked with children and that I was, in her words, 'making a difference.'
Whilst she didn't have any particular academic qualifications she had the most amazing, calming voice and so, I suggested she look into joining the Samaritans in her spare time.
She was really good at it, she became a trainer, and loved it so much that she stuck with counselling jobs for the rest of her career to date. The most recent being a regional co-ordinator for victims of domestic violence.
That was/is great. The only slight discomfort arising when anyone asks, "what does your ex wife do?" "She's a domestic violence counsellor... Erm... Let me explain..."
Skip forward to last night.
My current wife and I are in the mood for sexy times but our six month old baby is in the crib next to our bed and doesn't want to sleep. We rock him, we cuddle him, we sing to him and eventually he appears to be settle down.
"Shhh," whispers my wife. "Don't make a sound."
"Ok... Ouch!" as she pinches my nipple.
"Shhh!" She giggles
So I pinch her back.
"That didn't hurt" she whispers and pinches my bum.
"That didn't hurt." I reply through gritted teeth.
You can see where this is going... Before long we are pinching and biting and giggling then laughing all over the bed and a hot steamy session ensued.
Roll on this morning and my wife, who works in the same place as me is plodding along, doing her stuff when, in the staff room she takes off her cardigan to reveal an arm full of bruises.
A senior member of staff takes her to one side and asks if there is anything she wants to talk about. My wife laughs it off but her red faced embarrassment and reluctance to explain how she really got the bruises is mistaken for reticence to turn me in.
Cue a visit from the police to my office a few hours later. Someone had called them to report me and had even told them about how my ex wife is involved with the local domestic violence support scheme.
After a long, embarrassing explanation, including the story of ex wife, I eventually pulled my pants down to show the officers my own bruises on my arse. They shared a look and stuttered their red faced way out of the building shortly afterwards.
My staff still think I'm a wife beater. My wife thinks its funny and will, no doubt, reveal all the next time she gets drunk on a staff night out.
TL;DR played "that didn't hurt" with my horny wife. Ended up being accused of domestic violence and shoved my bare arse in the face of a policeman to prove my innocence.
Chainmail_Danno: Not many people get to moon the cops without getting tasered.
Today you won.
akeetlebeetle4664: New title: TIFU by mooning cops (and getting away with it).
Or,
TIFU by sticking my hairy ass in a cop's face (and getting away with it).
lol
Watch karma skyrocket.
Anotherfuckwit: Lol, yeah. Not telling for karma though. Could also be in r/offmychest
pilvy: Please don't do that, I fucking hate ambigious TIFU titles like "TIFU by setting my alarm clock"/"TIFU by watching the big lebowski".
c6balla: I'm with you there. I still haven't read the stories on the Fuck Up of the Week thing as a rebellion against those kind of titles.
| 6 | 159 | |
1354669845 | 1354731828 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | krasserkanadier: I fucked up, by using words without thought.
Today I fucked up. Why you may ask? I was walking down a hallway, with a couple of friends, one of them my crush. Let's refer to her as simply: Her. As we were walking, my crush, brings up one of her dreams she had. It was the dream of her wedding day. She told us how one of our common friends was there. She said that she didn't know what the fuck he would be doing at her wedding. This is what little dumbass me decided to say: "Maybe he was my best man."
>Best Man
Well, I fucked up. Bad.
DoctoryWhy: I call that a good pickup line, not a fuck up.
What was her reaction?
I_LIKE_THAT_SHIT: OP better fucking deliver. I'm willing to bet her dream comes true, and that dude is actually his best man. But it will only happen in the OP delivers.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1354671652 | 1356343543 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | [deleted]: By geting my foot stuck in a tampon dispenser.Also, I'm a guy.
Well its pretty self explanatory.And my teacher caught me.
[deleted]: Well, my friends dared me to walk into the girls bathroom and karate kick the first girl that came out of a cubicle and I missed and my foot went up the dispenser
xCassiopeiAx: Your friends are assholes. Just sayin'
[deleted]: Indeed they are
| 4 | -0.5 | |
1354685729 | 1354703680 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking into the girl's bathroom
I was done with class...finally, had the rest of the day to myself but boy did i have to pee. I usually make a right in the hallway that I get out into to go to my dorm room, but this time i made a left and forgot where the mens bathroom was due to tiredness and the need to pee very badly. I followed a guy talking to a girl then saw the bathroom and immediately went in. I look to the right and boy was that stall disgusting. there seemed to be coffee or something on the floor (if it was that idk, i'll never know) but immediately after i look to my right and see an asian girl looking into the mirror washing her hand. My eyes go O.O and i head out the door as fast as I can. I was too embarrassed to check if anyone saw, and just looked down the whole way through till I walked to the other side of the hallway to the men's bathroom. Boy was I glad to find cleaner stalls, and GUYS (in a non homosexual way). I immediately locked the stall and rolled toilet paper unto the seat to prepare for my deposit of feces. That load was the most comforting of all to unload in all my history of unloading.
edit: meant to say poop in the beginning
adberq: So you went to take a piss and ended up shitting?
Hanfyoghurt: an upvote for making me read it twice.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1354695125 | 1354768135 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU peeing in the dark
I woke up in the middle of the night and hit the light in my bathroom which has like a 4 second delay. By the time the light turned on I was already peeing, on the wall.
lizzehness: I awoke, it was nearly dawn
I felt the urge of nature call
By the time I turned the light on
I was already peeing, on the wall.
[deleted]: Got up in the night
Bladder full, the bathroom dark
Urine on the wall
[deleted]: is urine two syllables ?
cgome1: Yes sir.
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1354705128 | 1354769030 | null | t5_2to41 | 358 | Treycoolis: TIFU By shitting myself in class.
I woke up this morning in the best mood ever. I got dressed and headed to school, and as soon as I got to class and sat down, had the intense urge to shit. Usually I'm pretty good at holding my shits in, but oh no, this time. This time was bad. I was in agony for 30 minutes while being hit with people trying to socialize and multiple denied requests for a bathroom break by the teacher. I then realized what was causing this. Yesterday I got high as a kite and had the munchies. Well, the day before I went to the store and bought a LOT of...
Burritos.
Fucking burritos. I had the munchies and there was nothing in the freezer but burritos, and I felt the punishment in class.
I walked up to my teacher once more. I asked if I could go to the bathroom, and after an explanation filled with burritos, and seeing a hopeful look on this face, it happened. My bowels gave way. I have never felt more embarrassed in my life. Reddit, Today I Fucked Up.
**TL;DR: I looked my teacher in the eyes and shit on myself.**
EDIT: I got more feedback than I thought. Well I'm in class as I update this, and my teacher will NOT look me in the eyes. Also, just to fuck with him I asked to go to the bathroom. He said yes immediately!
Thanks for the support guys!
jutct: What the fuck is wrong with people? If you have to shit, go to the fucking bathroom. Why would you ask the teacher?
Autumnsprings: been a long time since you were in school then?
jutct: 20 years. And we never asked. You just went. There was no such thing as "the teacher wouldn't let me." Granted I was in public school, but it was an affluent town in new england, so still pretty uppity.
Autumnsprings: i had to ask to leave the room until college. there were certain teachers who had other policies, but in general, yes. you have to ask. can you imagine some of the kids today if they didn't have to ask? they would never been in class.
jutct: I don't know, we had some bad kids 20+ years ago, but there was no such thing as a 1,2, or 3 strike rule, so if not shitting your pants meant pissing off the teacher you'd do it without hesitation.
Autumnsprings: Oh i have no doubt there were bad kids 20 years ago. But i think the number of kids who, while not necessarily be 'bad.' are irresponsible enough to get out of class for any reason has increased. I used to be a reading tutor for at risk elementary age kids. I was teaching them the word horror. they had so much fun saying whore. and these were not bad kids. just immature.
as for shitting yourself or pissing off the teacher, i once had to pee pretty bad. after repeatedly being denied, i finally told the teacher if she didn't let me go, i would pee on the floor, and i wouldn't clean it up, she would, and walked out. when i was halfway to the door, she said you may go. i was in 6th grade at a private, Christian school, and i later found out she was the principle's sister. so yeah, i'm all for going when you need to.
jutct: Good for you! That's what I'm talking about. I can't stand teacher who make kids feel inferior. It seems like an insecurity/power trip thing.
Autumnsprings: It is totally a power trip thing, for some anyway. While I was tutoring, the teacher across the hall from me would routinely go over test scores by standing in front of the room, announcing the students' names and scores, and offering commentary like "You could have done better," or "Hey you got a 65, good for you!" (implying that even a failing score was good for that student.) There were other things, and I ended up going to the principle. He had me write out all the things like that she did. She got bumped from 5th grade down to 1st the next year. She totally used shame and embarrassment to 'encourage' her students to do better. It goes without saying that it didn't work.
jutct: I support teachers because I think it's a profession that you have to love to do. But this person sounds like they belong in another profession. Making fun of kids, acting superior, and embarrassing them doesn't sound like something that someone who loved teaching would do. I feel bad for her students.
Autumnsprings: i did too. that's why i reported her. at least in the 1st grade they don't have end of grade testing, so she didn't have to 'teach the test' like she did in 5th. hopefully she was better.
jutct: Cool, good for you. I hope that at some point we do something about teachers getting the pay that they deserve. It's funny that someone can be really smart and good at something like trading stocks and make a ton of money, but someone who teaches dozens of human brains to grow for the future of the country don't get paid well.
Edit: Some teacher are paid pretty well, but I think becoming a teacher should be more competitive and pay a lot more, so that only the people who really want to do it get the jobs and are rewarded well for it.
| 12 | 29.833333 | |
1354698223 | 1355004468 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | BirchBlack: TIFU by keeping the lube in the same drawer as my PS3 controllers
Went to do some cleaning just now and opened the nightstand drawer to find that the bottle of ass lube we keep in there exploded. All over my two PS3 controllers, two TV remotes, and a headset. Everything is really glossy and kind of sticky right now. Not sure what the best course of action is to get lube off of electronics.
Suitablystoned: make sure you put it in a bag of rice after to dry it properly for around a year or so
BirchBlack: Cooked rice, right?
DVentresca: No, raw.
darthelmo: And make sure you use instant (quick-cooking) rice.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1354707337 | 1354737403 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | ParkerZA: TIFU by not asking the girl of my dreams out
Not really today, more like over a month, but thought I'd share.
I'm in university. There was this girl that was hugely into me, but I didn't ask her out because I had a crush on this other girl, who is a goddess, and a decent one at that, which for us Indians is quite rare.
We were all in one big group, and would see each other quite often. Slowly but surely I was winning her over, but at the time I simply couldn't see it. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I always put off asking her out, saying things like "I don't have money to take her out, I'll ask her out next week" or stupid shit like that. Eventually the semester ended, and I still didn't grow the necessary pair of testicles required.
We texted each other for a bit afterwards, but now that has stopped as well, so she's probably lost any interest that she might have had in me. The other girl has moved on as well.
Sad thing is, now that I think of all the time I spent with her, I'm starting to notice all of the missed opportunities. For instance, as I was leaving one day, and had already walked quite a distance, she called me back just to give her a hug. If that wasn't the perfect opportunity to ask her out, then I don't know what is. And now I'm transferring to a new university, so I probably won't see her again.
I've learned from this though, and next time intend to do the asking out as soon as possible, not do the whole "is she into me or not?" dance.
[deleted]: Sorry to hear that you didn't ask her out, but at least you've learned from your mistake. Remember that fortune favors the bold!
green072410: >fortune favors the bold!
The hoo-ha tends to favor the bold, as well.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1354728891 | 1354748645 | null | t5_2to41 | 353 | DreamOfTheArcher: TIFU: Today I agreed to upload the pictures from my father's old phone to the family PC and discovered he's into sicker porn than I am...
As stated Today I fucked up by agreeing to help my Dad upload his pictures from his old phone onto the family PC, somehow either by fault of my own or him not deleting his cookies from his mobile browser every saved or stocked image view on his phone was also uploaded. I don't think there is enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo what has been done to me and I will never view my very christian and conservative father in the same light ever again. Today I really fucked up...
jutct: A conservative christian who's secretly a total perv? What an unexpected occurance! Also, you should probably say something to him since he acts like he's holier than thou.
adremeaux: He's a perv because he... looks at porn? TIL 99.9% of Reddit is total pervs.
syslinkdown: He's a perv because he engages in activities and fetishes that he overtly condemns. If you're into bananas and are cool with that, you're _not_ a perv. If you're into bananas and boldly proclaim that anyone who even thinks about fruit is an awful person and going to hell, you _are_ a perv. Anyone with that severe of a mismatch between what they profess and what they prefer is a creeper.
VeryTallDog: I think the word you're looking for us hypocrite, not pervert.
syslinkdown: Also that. But if you decry something as perverted and then go ahead and _do_ it, you're definitely perverted.
VeryTallDog: No that's still being a hypocrite... Being perverted is doing something that *other* people think is wrong.
syslinkdown: What? If _you_ think something is perverted and do it, that seems far more damning to me than someone else thinking it's perverted. You "know" it's perverted, and still get off on it. That's hella pervy.
MSN420: But many people get off on the "forbidden" kind of thing. The thing you explained is being hypocritical. What he did is being a pervert. What he did is perverted, but what you said, Saying someone is bad, and then doing it is being hypocritical. This shit is perverted in the sense that it's a pretty weird fetish.
syslinkdown: To me, the idea of getting off to something _because_ it's wrong is pervy. It doesn't matter how innocent the thing i question actually is; if you get off to it because you think it's wrong, that's pervy.
MSN420: I touch the wall when it saids wet paint. It's not right to touch this, it would mess up the wall, that's wrong. Is this pervy? I didn't ask for your opinion on this matter, you explained a hypocritical situation, and then said, isn't this pervy though? When someone explained it was hypocritcal, you asked how it was not pervy. Nobody said it wasn't pervy. All they said was, saying something is bad, and then turning around and doing said action is being a hypocrite. In this particular story, being hypocritical also made him a pervert, but these two words aren't exactly interchangeable.
syslinkdown: Yes, I agreed from the get-go that it was hypocritical. As you yourself has said, it was also pervy. I am not sure what you are arguing. I think we agree?
MSN420: I re-read, I didn't know you agreed, thought you kept arguing it was pervy. I think I didn't like how you said it was *also* hypocritcal, since it's hypocritical, and *also* pervy. Minor details, i guess. But yes, we do seem to be on the same page, my bad.
syslinkdown: No worries. Glad it's not _my_ dad!
MSN420: Heh you clever bastard.
| 15 | 23.533333 | |
1354733612 | 1354819041 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | couldbekidding: TIFU getting quarters for billiards
I was playing pool with my friends at the same bar we always go to. They have been doing some remodeling, so now the jukebox and change machine are next to each other (change machine used to be in a corner by it's self). I go to get the change for the next hour or so, walk up to the machine, put a $20 in, and as it takes the bill in, I realize I just put the money in the jukebox, not the change machine. I yell, turn around and my friends bust out laughing.
Herecomethedrums: what song did you pick?
couldbekidding: It was like an hour's worth of music. Dropkick Murphys, Franz Ferdanand, Queen, Rick Astley. Mostly just had my friends come over and choose. I always feel like I'm getting judged for my music.
depricatedzero: Good picks. :) Worth it?
couldbekidding: Not really. I don't have a job currently so it cut into my fun funds. Good for a laugh more then the music.
depricatedzero: I know that feel :(
still, good picks :)
| 6 | 3 | |
1354746799 | 1358895419 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,918 | issuesmayexist: TIFUpdate by combining magnets with my urethra [NSFW]
Greetings once again, all ye dwellers of TIFU.
[My last thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/) caused some considerable comment. Many of the comments were along the lines of "old man, you really ought to get a doctor to look at your area." This, combined with a certain odd sensation in my bladder, made me concerned enough to consider it. My main worry was that there were balls left inside me, and without an X-ray I would never truly know. So, last Friday, I went.
I made an appointment at the GUM clinic. GUM (genitourinary medicine) clinics are excellent for those, like me, who perhaps do not want too much documented in their permanent medical notes. They are, much like here, anonymous. Ish.
I arrive, I fill in a form (surprisingly enough, none of the questions were enormously relevant to my case) and in I go to speak to the nurse.
At this point I was concerned that I wound just freeze up and not be able to string together anything remotely coherent. Oddly enough, though, it turns out that (again, much like here) semi-anoynimity removed all barriers of shame. I was eloquent, I was articulate.
She was confused.
She went and got the doctor.
She was confused. This was new to her. But she was as old as God and pretty hardass, so she also mocked me appropriately (evidently something above the pay grade of the nurse). I had it coming. I didn't mind. She examined me (it was extraordinarily non-sexual) and, slightly fumbling for ideas, tried using the demonstration buckyballs I had brought along to detect any magnetism from the outside. This worked exactly as well as you might expect.
The next step was an X-ray of my gonads. Poor little fellows hadn't yet been through enough abuse, it seems, and a dose of gamma rays was their next challenge.
Thing with X-rays is, they don't normally do them for STDs. So I was sent up to X-ray with a brown paper envelope with a letter inside (which I did *not* look at but which presumably read "this guy..."). I was taken aside, ushered past the queue of old creaky people, and set up. The poor lady couldn't say "penis," which caused some trouble when I had to... arrange myself for the scan. We finally got things sorted. It's important not to have overlapping layers, you know.
Anyway! The part you all came here for. The X-ray was NEGATIVE. I have NO buckyballs inside me, thank all the deities (an operation would have been the only way to remove them, if there had been any stragglers).
I hadn't realised how nervous I was until the good news was relayed to me by old frowny piss-takey doctor lady. I punched the air. I may even have vocalised some sort of "awwww yeah." She was unmoved.
She told me not to do it again.
Listen to frowny old doctor ladies.
**TL;DR: surprised old lady, got lucky**
P.S. Apologies, this update doesn't really have the *pop* of the previous entry, does it? Alas, with updates, it is ever thus. Dipping greedily back into the depravity trough and coming up dry.
*EDIT:*
*[Shadekitty delivers a scintillating narration once again!](http://soundcloud.com/rac91790/gum-clinic-tomfoolery)*
Thanks, Shadekitty!
MandatorilyMatutinal: Just to educate you on this point, X-Rays aren't the same as Gamma rays. A dose of gamma to your genitals would be even less pleasant.
statsisi: Hulk balls?
MandatorilyMatutinal: Cancer balls.
manwhale: Hulk balls.
tanzorbarbarian: Loki-bashing balls?
jenjen3252: Puny god..
[deleted]: Puny balls.
toccasana: blue balls
darthelmo: Obligatory "That escalated quickly."
I_HateYouAll: Kill yourself
darthelmo: ~~Nah. I like it here.~~ GO FUCK YOURSELF.
EDIT: I forgot I was on Reddit.
I_HateYouAll: Jokes on you, my dick's too small to fuck myself.
[deleted]: And my axe!
| 14 | 137 | |
1354746071 | 1354862628 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Glucosa: TIFU by getting my dad depressed again after 4 years since his divorce
Sheet. Well, my parents divorced like 4 years ago. Mom met a guy. Sayin it was the most hardest thing we've ever been though (the family) is getting short. My dad got extremly depressed and he used to cry in my lap. Okeey, good thing is, he met God and started to getting better and slowly, he recovered, got a girlfriend and then he was happy again. I asked him several times if he was over my mom, and he told me yes, he still loved her though, for all their memories and she was the mother of his kids, but not in a romantic way. I didn't believe him until he accepted her boyfriend, nice!! A week ago i recomend him a greeaaat movie called "Aqui entre nos", (here between us"), a mexican movie. Well, it's about a guy that cheated on his wife and she kicked him out of the house and his attempt of win her and his kids back. My dad and I have watched a lot of movies with infidelities and he was ok, so i supposed wrongly he'd be ok. He called me today and told me he liked it so much, but then he started sobing a little bit, and said that it remind him his experience, "but with a happy ending". Holy funk. Both of our hearts broked again. I have never felt this guilty... not since the accident.
Knowing him, i know he'll be sad for some time. I re-opened his wound and I just hope he doesn't get that bad again.
cgome1: >I have never felt this guilty... not since the accident.
I'm not sure if you intended to do what you did there...
skimmboarder: It's referencing the fact that almost anything can be proceeded by "... not since the accident"
cgome1: I know that. But seeing as this was a rather serious post, I wasn't sure if OP actually meant to do that.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1354762559 | 1354764941 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | IHitACar1: TIFU when I hit a parked car.
Throwaway for reasons that will become fairly obvious.
Last night my mom woke me up, telling me that she had food poisoning from some McDonalds breakfast thing. She needed to go to the emergency room, but couldn't possibly drive in her condition of vomiting every minute.
Let me stop and say right here that I have driven a total of about five miles in my life, not including this drive. Technically I can legally drive (I have a learners permit) as long as she's in the car with me. But again, I have almost zero actual experience, and plus it's dark out.
Still, I figure I can manage it. The hospital is only a few miles away, and there were almost no cars out on the road this late at night. I managed to get her to the hospital without any trouble.
She goes in, gets an IV to rehydrate, some meds to calm the nausea, all is well. So some hours later it comes time to leave - And the doctor reccomends she leave in a wheelchair and I drive her home. So she waits by the entrance in her chair, while I go to bring the car around.
Now then, for the Fuck-Up. When I parked, there were no cars next to me, but now there was one to the left. I figure I can handle it. I get in, start to back out...
I hit that car. I made the mistake of putting the wheel all the way to the right, not realizing the front of the car would pivot so far to the left. Now, I felt the car bump, and stopped. At this point the damage probably wasn't that bad, but somehow I thought the best course of action would be to push on the accelerator to try and get myself out of there. I only wound up making a massive crunch in the door. Eventually though I managed to get out, picked up my mom, and gunned it out of there.
Me/my mom's car is a pretty old piece of crap (1997 Trooper SUV), and the incident hardly left a scratch. But the door on the other car was utterly wrecked.
I feel I should also point out that I'm not on the car's insurance plan, and really shouldn't have been driving it at all. It could've cost big if I got caught. I feel terrible about the damage I did... I can only hope the other car's insurance will cover the damages.
tlf9888: You do realize they have cameras in the parking lot and almost certainly have the plate number of the car?
I hate people like you.
IHitACar1: The cameras I saw were almost certainly too far away to resolve the license plate.
But I agree. I hate me too.
tlf9888: Not likely. If I were you I would hope you don't get charged with leaving the scene of a crime.
| 4 | 8 | |
1354765332 | 1354908866 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost killing my Dad
So I got home from a long day of school (9am-9pm) and I was pretty out of it. My Dad asked me to help him out real quick and I thought, "yea sure not a problem," my dad always has time to help me. I don't know exactly what he was doing, but it had something to do with fixing the washing machine. He asked me to grab him wire cutters and a small knife and then go downstairs to the electric box.
He yelled to me to turn the switch for the electricity for that area of the house on and off and on and off again, easy enough. Then after switching it on one more time he told me to turn it off. After that he said something like "Is it off?" or "Make sure its off!" and due to the back and forth nature of how I had been previously flipping the switch and the fact that I thought he said "turn it on"...I turned it on.
As you can probably guess about 30 seconds pass by and I'm waiting for his next call when I hear "AHHHHHHH OOO SHIT!!" as my Dad lets out a horrifying scream of agony. I was in shock, but quickly turned defensive. My dad yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU I SAID OFF!!!" to which I defended myself and said "I thought you said on." After we yelled at each other for about five minutes I retreated to my room where the guilt started to creep in. I started to cry for a little bit, due to the fact that I almost fucking killed my father, and when I went back down stairs I couldn't look or talk to my Dad. What was I supposed to say, "sorry for almost killing you, whoops?"
It was an honest mistake and really both of us should of made the effort to double check with one another. Really though, I'm the fucking idiot, I should of double checked.
So now I come before you seeking condolence or criticism, because this is all I'm going to be able to think of for a while and I don't know when I'll be able to look my dad in the face again.
**TL;DR: My Dad was working with wires and told me to turn the electric box off, I thought he said on and ended up getting him electrocuted.**
**EDIT:** Thanks for all the comments. We talked it over and hugged it out. All has been forgiven.
elaborateredneck: Don't feel too bad. If this was just household wiring and he doesn't have some sort of heart condition, it would be hard to kill a grown man with 120V AC. I've been zapped a couple times.
pilvy: [Could have been 240v](http://users.telenet.be/worldstandards/images/voltages%20around%20the%20world.gif)
kehlder: Its not the V that kills you, it's the A. The A across your heart.
Loggre: thank you for being smart!
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1354776770 | 1355693138 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by stepping in diseased cat shit
So, my cat, Shadow, has some serious body issues. Especially with the digestion end of things. As a result, she shits and pees all over the house, mostly in the wooded hallway, but sometimes in carpeted areas of the house. Which is worse.
So, this morning I come downstairs to grab some clothes that were drying over the fireplace overnight. Since I knew where they were, I didn't bother to turn the light on.
Splat. I stepped into the most repulsive puddle of cat shit ever. I then had to hop to the bathroom, which was down a few stairs and is colder than a freezer at this time of year, and wash my foot in the sink which is too high for me normally witg freezing water.
I now can't feel my foot. And still have to clean up the living room.
Reddit, today I fucked up.
P.S. Does the counter reset even though I didn't shit the shit?
cgome1: >Does the counter reset even though I didn't shit the shit?
I doubt it. Unless your cat posts his/her side of the story.
konekos_shadow: [Ask and ye shall receive](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/14e1xs/tifu_by_leaving_a_glop_of_diseased_shit_in_the/)
FluorescentShadow: Why was it removed :(
konekos_shadow: Here's what it was:
So I'm a cat, and I have some serious body issues. Most noteably in the digestion area. Unfortunately, this means I can't always make it to the litter box in a timely fashion. I usually try to keep it in the wooded hallway, where it's easier for my pet human to clean it up.
My human is so tolerant. Last night, even though I had peed in her shoes, she set out an awesome entre of meat-flavored cardboard chunks and water. As I chowed down, I thought to myself "YESSSS! Surely the fiber in this cardboard will stop up my bowels and give me a nice, solid dook!"
Boy was I wrong. After seeing my human off to sleep I went out into the hallway to contemplate why the door opens if I stare it long enough, when I felt that rumbly in my tumbly. I flinched and started walking towards the litter box at a casual pace. Then it really hit me - no, Shadow, no solid dooks for you tonight. As I bolted across the living room floor, I felt it start. I froze, arched my back, and let it all out. I tried to keep it in a relatively neat pile for my owner to clean up, but I'm not sure I managed so well.
So this morning, as I watched her from my perch, she failed to turn on the light before entering. I cringed as I heard her foot sink in to the pile of shit. Still, watching her hop around afterword was its own comedic reward.
TL:DR Today I fucked up by shitting in the living room and then laughing at my human when she stepped in it.
**edit:** [my human posted her POV earlier](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/14dfkx/tifu_by_stepping_in_diseased_cat_shit/)
koneko394: You are awesome. Thank you for this :)
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1354786519 | 1354794487 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | bounceme08: TIFU in so many ways (long but hopefully worth it)
A little preface:
1. This didn't happen today but I learned about this subreddit from a friend and decided to post my horrible day
2. I know everyone does crazy things when they panic, but my mind almost completely seemed to lose all powers of good reasoning whatsoever.
3. I'm on my 5th strike at work (I know)
Ok so I work at a before/after program for my local school basically watching kids and stuff so I'm off between 830am and 315pm. This particular day there was a meeting at 1pm and I hadn't washed my clothes in like a week so I decided I would have time enough to do that. I get home and put my clothes in the washer and, since I usually sleep during the day and my dryer only takes ~30min, I decide to take a nap until 12. When I wake up I find to my horror an error code F20 on my washer. I have no idea what it means but basically my clothes have been washed enough to get the soap out but not technically dry enough for the dryer. So I start to worry for a bit but think "the dryer should be able to do its damn job with this, especially if i put it on heavy duty". **Cue mistake #1**. I hop in the shower real quick and when i go to check on my clothes at 1230 they are still completely soaked, but now theyre hot as shit and just disgusting. Im really starting to panic now because I only have 1 old shirt and some sweatpants with a giant hole in the crotchal region, so obviously i cant show up like that. I leave them in for another 10min hoping theyll dry more but of course nothing significant happens. So I decide "ok just be cool, you can grab an outfit and lay it out in the car and itll dry on the way".
So i do this, run back in to get my keys, and when i go back outside my dog (a beagle) is being chased down the street by an alleged dog killer (a rottweiler). Now im really fucked because im already late, have wet clothes, and my dog is about to be eaten. Of course i care about her more than my job so i run into my garage and find the first weapon, a cherry picker (basically a big stick with a metal thing on the end of it). I see her runnin back towards me and i think "alright ive played dynasty warriors, so i know how to use a spear. When they come by just stick it in between her and the other dog and he'll trip and she'll, hopefully, run back in the house. I bide my time and as they come running by a perform a perfect thrust and....stab my dogs ass. **Cue mistake #2**.
The next minute happens very fast but basically since i pinned my dog to the ground, she can almost immediately change direction and makes a bee line for the house. Meanwhile the rottweiler tries to jump over her but since hes going so fast he loses his footing and does a horrendous looking skid across the pavement. As im running to the house, i look back and hes gaining on us. So i do the only logical thing i can think of (panicking) and spin and whip the spear (cherry picker) at him. It hits him in the neck and then gets caught in his legs buying me just enough time to open the door for my dog, SUCCESS! But not quite. He didn't trip up enough to keep him from being on my heels as im about to close the door and so i tried to slam it shut, not thinking that he would run up the steps and directly into it. Which of course he did. Head first. As im watchin this dog get battered by the door in slow motion i now realize "fuck, im alone outside with a huge rabid dog". I book it to my car, wondering why this dog hasn't caught up to me yet, and so i jump in my car and look back to see him laying in my garage twitching. FUCK. Although he was tryin to get my dog, i have still now sent someone elses animal into a seizure or something. I think about calling 911, but i remember that im still late for work so i decide fuck it, he wont be there when i get back. And he wasn't.
So now fully in panic mode and about to lose my mind over all the things that have just happened I try to think of ways to save time. Drive fast, check. No stop signs, check. Avoid lights, check. And then, for some reason, I come up with what i decide would be a brilliant way to save a minute. I could take my pants off now, that way when i get to work I won't have to hassle with it. **Cue BIG mistake #3**. I shred my bottoms as quickly as i can, which was actually a pretty nice feeling :/, and finally pull into work. AAAAAAAND fuck, i work at a school, a full campus school. Im now driving 40mph through the parking lot of the (in order) elementary, middle, and high school because obviously im terrified of random people seein me naked. At a school. As i come upon the high school i noticed fuck, its switching time. There were kids everywhere. I think "ok my normal spot faces away from the school so nobody will be able to see me throwing clothes on real quick". Of course, all those spots are taken, and the only ones available are along the sidewalk...with the kids.
So i park as quick as i can because theres a large group coming, throw my extra shirt over my privates and proceed to casually slip on my soaked shorts. I couldnt look out my window so I have no idea if anyone saw me but i hope to god they didnt. I decide its way too risky to take off my old shirt and put on a new one, so i turn my car off and step out. I think "finally, after all this shit ive made it and only 15 minutes late! I can still turn this day around." As soon as i hit the pavement....dear god it was a terrible feeling. After all this shit, after my terrible day was supposed to be coming to an end, my BARE GODDAMN FEET TOUCH PAVEMENT! **MISTAKE NUMBER #4!!!** FUCK! I frantically start searching my car for any pair of anything that can go on my feet and i practically tear the inside apart. After having no luck i sat down and started to tear up when a female teacher said "do you need any help?" Now i should have said no thank you and been on with it, but my brain was so horrible right now that i said "ma'am could i please borrow your shoes for an hour?" wtf. Of course she just gave me a weird look and walked away, and now i quickly realize im going to be fired and possibly charged for flying through a school parking lot or even worse showing up naked. I reach to the back to grab a cigarette, I had thrown them when looking for shoes and fuck it ive already screwed up enough so i might as well smoke one at the school. BUT O HAPPY DAY! When I reach my arm around i notice an old pair of sanuks deep inside the seat pocket!!! Im not gonna be fired (hopefully) and all the other things just went out of my mind! The only problem with this was the last time i wore these shoes, i had been treking through a swamp. Meaning they were covered in mud, which didnt smell initially, but since my shorts were absolutely soaked it activated the terrible swampy smell which then mixed with the damp hot shorts smell and just made for a walking pig sty. At this point though, I did not give two shits and i walked into that meeting happy as a fuckin clown.
TL;DR-I stabbed my dog, gave a rottweiler a seizure, showed up to work naked, went inside with wet clothes and a terrible stench about me.
Chainmail_Danno: Can we get some paragraphs, please?
bounceme08: I put em in but theyre not showin up on the finished product, is there something special i have to do?
Chainmail_Danno: Yup. Press enter twice, not once.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1354779400 | 1354812969 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | Basoran: TIFU my eye
As a tradesman, occasionally, I get to deal with that most irritating of wonderful inventions, insulation. Stuff that keeps the cold cold and the hot hot and I would rather run a marathon in a wool speedo than install it for a living.
Careful is careful but shit happens, and a piece landed in my eye. I rubbed a little (against advice but truly that usually clears it) to no avail. Went to some running water and tried to flush it out. Couldn't feel improvement after a few minutes so I manned up and went back to work.
Four hours later I get home and my eye is still asking for attention. I go in to the bathroom and get out my wife's contact solution. It is saline with a few enzymes to clear off proteins from the lens. Great stuff for a dry eye in a pinch, and enough to flush if you need to.
As I put the business end of the bottle up to my eye I notice, glaringly, the RED nipple. I thought to my self "self this is odd it is usually white". A quick glance at the label confirmed that it was indeed contact solution.
My loving wife... my better half... my reason for drawing and spending a paycheck... either didn't tell me or I forgot she told me, that she had switched cleaning methods for her contacts. The RED nipple was the last idiot proof warning the manufacture gave to tell the consumer that the contents of the bottle was **hydrogen peroxide**
I can't say the regret was instant, because I was balls deep into the cool relief the first few drops gave me. After that came...
thefuk?
this not right.
then regret.
**TL;DR** Got insulation in my eye, put up with it until I got home, flushed it out with hydrogen peroxide.
**edit** I flushed my eye under the sink for ten minutes. Blury out of that eye for only 20 minutes after (swelling I guess)
Other than gobs of eye buggers this morning eye see fine.
**Up date** Went to my optometrist, my eye checks out and I have a big bright blue bottle of saline solution of my very own.
JustLetMeComment: My eyes were in pain from just reading this.
EDIT: Holy fuck. Did some research. I hope you can still use it.
Basoran: Seems fine today.
I cannot recomend any one try this ever.
| 3 | 20 | |
1354810305 | 1354858216 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | iamatotalfuckup: TIFU: Dating 2 girls, and talking dirty on my intercom system
I'm recently out of a 3 year relationship and seeing two girls. They both know about the other one, and are also dating other people as well.
**Girl A** is the super cute midwest transplant to my major costal city. She's the kind of girl you introduce to your mom. I enjoy her on an emotional level but we don't really do any of the same stuff. We both recognize and joke about what an awful couple we would actually make.
**Girl B** is your typical music scene / hipster girl with artsy tattoo's, piercings, a cool bike, a great taste in music, and an even better taste in whiskey. There really isn't an emotional connection but we get trashed in dive bars, go to a lot of local shows, and have mind-bendingly excellent sex.
Anyway, my fuckup... I live in a loft kind of condo. There is a front door that opens to the lobby of a small 4 unit building, small foyer then stairs up to the living area. There is an intercom system that I use only in situations when I'm not expecting anyone. This allows you to talk to the outer door, and buzz people into the lobby. There are also a couple of other intercoms around the house, this is important later.
So I'm hanging out with Girl A cooking dinner and watching TV. I know that Girl B is in my neighborhood for a show last night, but I told her I was hanging out with Girl A that night and wouldn't be available.
At midnight the doorbell rings. WTF I think, I'm not expecting anyone. I go downstairs to the door and use the intercom.
'Hey it's (Girl B) let me in, it's cold out here, I'm drunk, and I've got a present for you.'
'Yeah, I can't right now I'm chilling with (Girl A) let's hang out later'
'Oh, the boring one. Yeah okay. Get rid of her I'll wait, we'll open some wine and fuck like animals on your couch (followed by some other dirty stuff that's not coming to mind). Come ONNNNNNNN'
'That sounds fucking incredible, but I can't tonight, I'll see you tomorrow at (some show we're going to), remember what happened last time we went to (venue with unisex bathrooms), so skip the panties tomorrow night'
'(giggles) until then I suppose'
I walk upstairs to Girl A crying. Apparently there are two intercom buttons, one that lets you talk to the front door from your intercom, and another that broadcasts your conversation through the whole unit. Guess which one I pressed. Girl A was a total wreck, she was really into me, thought I would change, and thought I would come around to seriously falling for her, etc. I never knew! I wouldn't have even guessed she wanted something serious out of me, and now I feel more awful than I did before :-(
**TL;DR** I hurt someone who I really cared about, and I'm not dating two girls anymore.
mochibunny: You kind of sound like a douche, so no harm done. Also, people are probably wanting to actually use the restrooms at that venue, not listen to a couple bang each other.
[deleted]: haha yes sorry sheldon.
mochibunny: Reference? I don't watch bad tv shows.
123GoTeamShake: Then how'd you know what that was in reference to?
mochibunny: I see people post about it.
Basoran: It is a reference to "big bang theory".
My wife loves it.
I think it is to geeks what sanford and sons is to blacks.
Walican132: oh i think that's to nice it's to geeks what Black Face is to Obama.
[deleted]: Bro, that was unnecessary. Witty, yet unnecessary. That's like saying supremacy is to white people.
Walican132: How was it unnecessary? Or is it comparing what you said, I simply said that BBT is to Nerds what Black Face an extremely insulting form of entertainment based around humiliating black people is to one of the most successful African American's in the country currently.
BBT and Black Face both have similar effects to the people that they are mocking.
[deleted]: Black face, my friend, was an actual make up pattern used in earlier times to make light skinned black actors meet the cultural stereotype. They were smeared with black make up, given big, pink lips and given dumb, often retarded parts. The comparison used in your comment is immensely more insulting than the showing of nerds in the BBT.
Walican132: Black Face actors were typically white in the beginning actually. I also just don't see a difference from what BBT does to Nerds. I mean have you seen BBT? it really is a justified comment, though I would like to apologize for offending you.
[deleted]: I wasn't necessarily offended, I was just pointing out that the way it was used wasn't correct. Yes, I have seen BBT, and Sheldon apparently reproduces asexually.
Walican132: Considering we are on reddit I think this is the part where we start throwing insults at eachother?
mochibunny: ... He is being very civil. Looking at your "you have no life comment" to me, it looks like I am the one you are throwing insults at.
Walican132: That was more sarcasm then anything else but ok Not the telling you you have no life, you don't and disgust me but me telling him it's time to argue.
mochibunny: You're not doing it right...
| 17 | 4.411765 | |
1354812458 | 1354815776 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | konekos_shadow: TIFU by leaving a glop of diseased shit in the living room
Bunch-O-Atoms: /bestof material right here.
canipaybycheck: Post it then man
| 3 | 28.666667 | |
1354815299 | 1354865269 | null | t5_2to41 | 340 | canipaybycheck: 50,000!
Congratulations /r/tifu, we've reached 50,000 subscribers!
It seems like just yesterday we were [celebrating 40,000](http://redd.it/11srdn), but here we are with 50,000! [Here are some stats](http://stattit.com/r/tifu/) and [our traffic stats](http://imgur.com/a/0fW2C).
We're gearing up for the Fuck-Up of the Year vote. We'll probably be able to give out a few gold creddits to the winner, too. More details on all of that later.
So now your friendly neighborhood mod team would like to ask for your help:
What ideas do you have to improve /r/tifu?
adremeaux: Pooping my pants in celebration.
canipaybycheck: A *true* TIFU follower.
Basoran: Correct me if I'm wrong, I think I posted the first "shit yourself" TIFU ("Trusted a fart that wasn't")
Down vote this comment after reading. I desire no recognition or acclaim if this is true. I am just curious.
Smasherrr: I upvoted you just because you told me to downvote you…
Basoran: don't give me $1000
WorkMode: I will send the money, but first we need you to pay a special clearance fee.
Basoran: from Nigeria?
sure here is my routing number and bank account number...
wait...
I better just PM you
you really are a prince right?
WorkMode: I am a Prince of the Nigerian foreign money trust, you can trust your money with me!
| 9 | 37.777778 | |
1354818650 | 1354918424 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | SplendaMan: Tifu by bombing my math exam which will bring my GPA below a 2.0, suspending me from college.
Unless I ace my finals I will be suspended, or expelled. Fuck college.
Edit: Good news everyone, I did pretty well on my chem test today, so hopefully that can make up for some of this lol. Now I wait for finals. Weeee.
DoctoryWhy: Ya... Paying for something and then not trying at it. Definitely the colleges fault. Fuck college. /Sarcasm
SplendaMan: Ya... Posting on something in an unnecessary manner. Fuck you. /not sarcasm.
DoctoryWhy: Lol... someone is seriously butt hurt.
SplendaMan: I am, I really need to stop sticking things up my butt.
DoctoryWhy: Well there you go. You solved your problem. Now you just need to know who to stick up your butt to stay in school.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1354819712 | 1354847973 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | the_slacker99: TIFU by shitting myself
Well I've had stomach flu since Monday night. The vomiting part is over but my stomach is still messed up. I've had pretty bad diarrhea every day. Last night my stomach was hurting really bad but I said forget it since I was really tired, and I went to bed. What a terrible idea. I woke up around 12 or 1am and my butt area felt weird. I ignored it but soon my stomach started rumbling again so I got up to...*go*. When I pulled down my undies, it was the smell that hit me first then I realized what had happened. And of course, it was my last pair of clean undies (I had to go downstairs for more).
Today I fucked up.
oOkeuleOo: i really think this subreddit should have a days-without-having-someone-shitting-himself-counter on the sidebar
do_hickey: ...... [*points to the "days since /r/tifu shat itself" counter on the sidebar*](http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&sa=N&tbo=d&tbm=isch&tbnid=S2Xai_MjgInjRM:&imgrefurl=http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3q3iv7/&docid=KzLqurR9A2x3mM&imgurl=http://i.qkme.me/3q3iv7.jpg&w=625&h=615&ei=wvrAUJb0OY382gXe4IG4CA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=576&vpy=341&dur=2018&hovh=223&hovw=226&tx=167&ty=158&sig=118317998008487347584&page=1&tbnh=142&tbnw=144&start=0&ndsp=31&ved=1t:429,r:19,s:0,i:144&biw=1280&bih=675)
oOkeuleOo: i didn't notice this
[deleted]: It's ok. It's just right near your comment is all.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1354819517 | 1356563696 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with the friend of a girl I'm into
Went out last night with a few friends. Ended the night after bar at my place. Somehow....I have no idea....I wound up sleeping with a friend.
Sounds awesome except that she's semi friends with a girl I've gone on a few dates with and I really like. There's nothing serious between us so I don't feel like I need to tell her but she'll probably find out eventually and it could really take a bad turn when she does.
Octopus_Tetris: Well, at least you didn't shit your pants.
mingling4502: truth
[deleted]: Not true. Shit cleans up. Emotions don't.
bosonfiver: Straight from your lips...
That's DEEP...
^philosophy^
[deleted]: I've shit myself half a dozen times in the past year. It does indeed clean up.
| 6 | 9.5 | |
1354829749 | 1356129322 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | donkeyslayer16: TIFU by giving a cop the finger
Tifu by driving home and saw a cop behind an oncoming car. Without thinking I give him the finger thinking, he wont do anything. As I watch in my rear view mirror he turns around so I turn down the closest road and try to hide. When he does catch up to me he turns his lights on and asks if I know the speed limit. I say 80 and it was a 50, let me off with a $400 ticket that would have got my license pulled.
Atmanix: ...why did you give him the finger?
donkeyslayer16: to be completely honest I still don't know what possessed me to do it. By far the stupidest thing I have ever done
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1354834748 | 1354849717 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | suckmybaconplease: TIFU by accidentally being racist
So walking to my car at school a black girl runs in front of me to hold the door open for me because my hands were full. After thanking her I said "YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD ONES" as I leave I keep hearing it over and over in my head and it occurred to me that what I said sounded racist.... I meant you're a good person....
sonofstjames: Did she react badly to your statement?
suckmybaconplease: she smiled.. Now when she sees me she looks down
nicko68: Just tell her you realized your comment earlier sounded weird and you meant she's a good person.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1354836948 | 1354837865 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | bzzman: TIFU my entire day
So today started out like any other, I woke up and got ready for school. I had been out for 2 days because of knee swelling; I could barely walk and had to use crutches. On a Spanish project, I partially used a translator (I finished the project two Fridays ago) and this is apparently against the rules, which I should have known. So, I'm in huge trouble for that unless they take pity on me, I'm otherwise a star student. So I come home already feeling horrible, and to top it off my knee pain came back a little bit. My lab results came back. Earlier I had blood drawn to see if anything was wrong, this was yesterday. Today, the lab called and I appear to have Lyme disease and now take Doxycycline 2 times a day for 21 days, ending on December 27th (21 days)
Well, this has been the worst day ever.
RetaEhtMaerd: *Common comment alert*
at least you didn't poop your pants...
But in all seriousness, sorry to hear about all that. Hopefully after 21 days everything will be awesome again =)
bzzman: thanks, I'm pretty sad right now. however yesterday I sharted.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1354839560 | 1354843493 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | iPNewok: TIFU: Glued somebodies mailbox shut. They came outside and . . .
he was swinging his sight stick to get down the stairs. yes he was blind. yes i drove away. today i fucked up.
xinxai_the_white_guy: Why'd you glue his mail box shut?
darthelmo: 'cause he (OP) 's a dick.
| 3 | 2 | |
1354829669 | 1355001808 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | kylechloe66: TIFU: By leaving the parking brake off a brand new £300,000 bus.
So i'm currently studying Bus/Truck mechanics in college aswell as working as an apprentice at a bus hire company in the UK.
So yesterday my boss bought a brand new £300,000, he asked me to move it over the depot to park it (our depot is on a hill) and I was so excited to drive the thing that when i got out of the vehicle i didn't put the parking brake on and it rolled into a wall and caused at least £80,000 worth of damage.
Today reddit i fucked up.
Anyone willing to pay for the damage would be awesome!
Suitablystoned: who spends £300,000 on a bus, dont worry mate its all your boss' fault.
kylechloe66: Who spends £300,000 on a bus? Were one of the UK's most luxurious coach companys.
jesus_christ_FENTON: National express?
kylechloe66: Richmonds Coaches...
jesus_christ_FENTON: Ahh never heard of em tbh.
kylechloe66: Only run about 15 buses, but there all top of the range.
jesus_christ_FENTON: Ah fair enough.
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1354849809 | 1354919838 | null | t5_2to41 | 498 | facetious_journalist: TIFU by playing golf with Brian, from accounting.
Golf is something I thoroughly enjoy. It's something I'm fucking good at. Today marks my fucking Christmas - Friday the 7th of December. A date that's been circled in blood since last December. Company golf day. Ambrose rules can be a blessing, or in my case, a fucking curse worthy of Horatio Alger himself. When I pulled his name out of the hat, the feeling hit me like a cop killer in a court room.
Brian is a terrific fellow and a very flexible accountant - every company needs at least one flippant person behind a cheque book. But fuck me, the guy is fucking terrible at sport. He has the hand-eye coordination of a Panda Bear with an extra chromosome. The time he came to shoot hoops with us one afternoon was just *so* entertaining - because he wasn't on my team. Picture this. About 5'9' with very thin hair on top. Lethargic pot belly and the fashion sense of Jeremy Clarkson. His wife is a lovely homely woman with the *compulsory* degree in psychology - so she is quite smug.
You can always tell the people who have a psychology degree because they'll tell you.
Nine in the morning. The dew is lifting from the first fairway - the kind of rising mist that you see in Lifetime movies. We pair up with my editor and Harry the sports journo. Harry is a fucking brilliant sportsman - state rugby player and Olympic swimmer. He does not fuck around when it comes to this kind of shit.
Our editor is old as fuck, by that I mean 60. He even struggled to toss a coin, let alone swing a club. Harry won the toss and lined up on the tee.
It went a long fucking way - pushing 220m. Brian started clapping before he looked at me and stopped. This wasn't a game of tiddlywinks - this was golf. It was Brian's turn now. At this point in time, I'd assumed that he was quite handy at golf, so I wasn't worried. As he set himself up, I was chatting away to the editor about this typhoon in the Philippines overnight. That's when it hit me. What the fuck was he doing? Why the fuck is he holding the club like that? His leading arm had a worse bend in it than David Spade's popularity. It went a total of 30 odd metres and came to a merciless halt at the base of a groundsman's spine.
You might ask why he was standing in Brian's "killzone". Well, he wasn't. He was at almost 90 degrees to the tee - and 30 metres away. In my time, I've done a fair amount of hunting, both large a small game. One disturbing fact about hunting is that animals and humans react eerily similar. The inital impact made him jump and run a few steps before collapsing next to the pro shop in furious agony. The screams will stay with me for the rest of my life.
"Ooops" said Brian as he turned around. Harry, the athletic bastard, was already half way there in a livid jog. The editor and I walked over to see if he was alright. Somebody called an ambulance as there was quite the crowd gathering around us now. The groundsman was quite old too - turns out his superannuation was lost during the GFC and he had to go back to work. So Harry notices that Brian is nowhere to be seen.
His clubs are gone and his car is no longer where it was.
This whole episode lasts about two hours, which really took it out of the editor so he went home in a cab. The rest of the company was almost around the front nine by now. Harry was fucking ropable - considering this stack of poor genetics we call Brian has totally fucked his day. Once the old codger was loaded in to the back of the ambulance, Harry and I decided to go to the bar and wait for the others.
It was getting late by now and the first players through were filling in to the bar. I'd been shooting pool and taking the piss with Harry all afternoon - having a laugh. Two baby-faced policemen walk in to the clubhouse and ask around for us - to which some idiotic goon from the advertising department was more than happy to point us out.
"Can you two accompany us down to the station to make a statement?" the taller cop asked.
"Can't we do it here?" asked Harry.
"Sorry mate, we're going to need you guys to come with us to ID somebody".
So now the day is totally fucked. Rabbit fucked. Harry and I get in the back of this police car, get stuck in traffic for an hour. I don't know about you, but if your five or six pints deep, you need to piss often. I couldn't exactly get out and piss on the road.
We get there, thristy as fuck and annoyed as Eric Bana in Munich.
"What's this about, sir?" I ask him.
"A hit and run"
"What?"
"There was a hit and run at the golf course this morning"
"But.. I."
"Just step in here boys, I'll be with you in a minute."
Harry and I shuffle in to a dark room with some DT's and a few lawyers. It's a fucking lineup. Holy shit! Level of engagement up ten-fold.
Out shuffle the men, one by one. No. Fucking. Way. It's fucking Brian.
"That motherfucker!" said Harry.
"Did you see any of these men at the golf course today?"
"Fuck yes we did. Number four."
"Cheers lads, you can leave now."
A day ruined.
I"m never playing golf with fucking Brian again.
**TL;DR: Played golf with a grown mongoloid who crippled an elderly victim of the GFC then ran a person over as he fled the scene.**
TheRumpletiltskin: haha.
sucks for brian, but was a hell of a story!
ElusiveGuy: [BLB](http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3s30kw/)
bongface: More like fuckin' Scumbag Steve. Dude might be an idiot, but he's clearly a dangerous idiot. I hope the groundkeeper and the person who got hit by the car are alright.
[deleted]: Someone was hit by a car in the story?
bongface: Yes. Brian from accounting fled the golf course by car (hence why his car was not there anymore), and according to the police he hit (and ran from) someone on his way out.
[deleted]: I thought the hit and run was Brian hitting the guy with the golf ball and then running. I guess police wouldn't refer to that as hit and run
bongface: Yeah, I think you're right on that last point. The TL;DR puts it pretty clearly though I think:
> TL;DR: Played golf with a grown mongoloid who crippled an elderly victim of the GFC then ran a person over as he fled the scene.
Although the wording also kinda makes it sound like facetious_journalist ran someone over...pretty sure thats not the case though.
brainmydamage: >TL;DR: Played golf with a grown mongoloid**(,)** who crippled an elderly victim of the GFC then ran a person over as he fled the scene.
Needs a comma?
bongface: Yeah that could work I think. I tend to be overly liberal with commas though. I believe an 'and' would work as well.
> TL;DR: Played golf with a grown mongoloid who crippled an elderly victim of the GFC **and** then ran a person over as he fled the scene.
Though I just realized that the 'he' near the end of the sentence pretty much clarifies it. UNLESS the 'he' is the now crippled elderly victim of the GFC. But...no.
| 10 | 49.8 | |
1354857100 | 1354914024 | null | t5_2to41 | 190 | TheOriginalGalatea: TIFU By Taking A Bath
I feel the need to preface this story with a couple of things. First of all, I am Anosmic, which means that I have no sense of smell. This will be important later on. Secondly, I have an array of vitamins in my bathroom, and many of them look alike. It is not unusual for me to leave them on the counter with the intent of taking them later in the day. It is also not unusual for me to forget to take them.
So, I was running a bath, added a generous scoop of Calgon bath beads, and went about gathering clean clothes to wear afterwards. Then, while bringing a stack of clean towels into the loo, I noticed a couple of capsules on the counter that were getting a bit soft, due to all the steam. No problem, right? I'll just add them to the bath. Vitamin E is good for your skin, even when used externally. Well, I won't bore you with the details, except to say that I had a nice soak.
It wasn't until later, after I was dressed and going about my day that two things occurred to me. I had taken my Vitamin E early this morning with my other pills. People were giving me odd looks, wrinkling their noses, and being more standoffish than usual.
Holy crap on toast, that could only mean one thing. The pills I had tossed into the tub were, as you have probably already guessed, fish oil. I have been running errands, gone shopping, and spoken with the school principal, all while smelling like an intoxicating blend of lavender, vanilla, and aged carp.
[deleted]: TIL that I am Anosmic. I never knew there was a word for that
strutter_78: TIL that there is a condition which means you have no sense of smell!
A_DEAF_DUDE: TIL that there is a condition which means you have a sense of hearing...
PGids: >Redditor for 5 months
Not bad, Not bad.
| 5 | 38 | |
1354857593 | 1354898705 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | The_Noah: TIFU: I lost my best friend
I'm not sure if this is the right place. This place is called Today I fucked up but this is a culmination of fuck ups that just exploded today.
I guess this is kind of a normal thing. I had a girl best friend I wanted to be with her she didn't want to be with me. However, she did say she would give me a chance before summer. During summer we fought and I lost that chance. I got over her. Fast forward and school starts up. I was fully over her. She tells me she misses me and doesn't want to lose me. I take the bait. We start sleeping in the same bed again and I eventually start staying at her place every night. Perfect two months. Topic of relationship comes up again. She says no and she never wanted to be with me. I get sad. I start to lose feelings for her. We fight again because things got too real and she didn't want to give me false hope.
That was a month ago.
Now things are weird between us. I have no feelings for her but she still thinks I do no matter what I say. I'm broke because I spent nearly all my money on her but she did help me by paying my $200 lease for my apartment next year. I have to pay her back but I don't have the means. I'm hoping my sister helps me out but I'm not sure. If I can't pay her back she can't pay her apartment bill. So I fucked up here. I shouldn't have taken the money.
I did ask my parents for help but my mom is against me living in an apartment and ever since finding out that I am she hasn't spoken to me so I'm getting no parental support. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to eat next week.
However, through all this I just want my best friend back. Today we tried studying for a final we both have tomorrow but it just turned into a conversation about how bad things got. It ended with a hug and a mutual things end here kind of thing.
I'm sorry if I'm just whining but between finals, my mom not talking to me, and losing the one person who I could always count on to be there I fucked up. Today was just the day it finally got to me. I really fucked up today and I don't really know where I'll be tomorrow.
If there's somewhere better for this please let me know. I just know I fucked up and I don't know where else to go.
LittleKey: I'm going through a similar thing right now; I as well have a best-girl-friend-with-whom-I-have-a-certain-type-of-romantic-history, and as of late she's simply... stopped talking to me. No idea why.
Anyway, I'm not sure if there's any solution for either of us, but I suppose at least it'll make us stronger.
The_Noah: It sucks. I'm just hoping things get better. Here's hoping the same for you. Best of luck.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1354858327 | 1354916999 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | Echothermay: TIFU my final
So this one time when I hadn't slept for 3 days, and by "this one time" I think I actually mean just an hour or so earlier today, I walked into my final 45 minutes late. The only open seat is right next to my professor. He's actually really nice to me as if I wasn't even late. He offers to plug my laptop in for me. I feel awkward so I tell him it'll be fine even though he can clearly see that my battery is really low. He looks at me kind of confused but I tell him i'm just going to race it. He nods. The final is handed to me. It's an inspirational quote about creativity. I'm supposed to free-write a response. No specified length. I turn the brightness on my laptop screen really low. I can barely see what i'm typing but whatever I needed to save battery power.
So my response starts off normal enough, the quote basically said that creativity is an intellectual spark that self-manifests an emotion that begs to be expressed so it can share that intellectual spark with the world, but after reading the quote again I thought it would be clever or funny if I wrote my essay as a short story where a very angry and egotistical version of me was hurriedly typing a rambling response to this bullshit quote while this insecure and sad version of myself occasionally interrupts him with nervous contradicting commentary.
I get distracted and realize that I'm writing about how I always feel overstimulated by all the people and the media but yet I also feel completely alone. That sometimes I'm not even sure if I have an identity that I can use to communicate with others because I live in the information age. I thought that was weird so I stopped. Instead I just wrote a whole line of nothing but repetitious "lly" words. Occasionally actually finally thankfully wonderfully, etc.
When I get bored of that I look up and realize the classroom is completely empty except for me and the professor. I'm not sure how long we've been alone. I start narrating my professor's life on my final. Making up VoiceOver for him. My professor is thinking about how his throat is dry and how he wishes he could grab a diet coke from his office but he has to stay here until I finally finish my final. Then he actually looks up from the book he was reading and locks eyes with me. It felt like we were staring at each other forever but it was probably just twenty seconds.
So I start back on my response to this quote and add a very concise grammatically correct paragraph that honestly thoughtfully analyzes my creative process but throughout it I make sure to keep dropping "lly" words every so often but each "lly" word would actually fit the sentence I was writing. Finally, I'm done with my essay. When I let my professor know, he seems relieved and tells me to email it to him. So I go to log onto my school email but it won't accept my password.
My professor is sitting there, watching me type in my 15 character password over and over again. My laptop runs out of battery so I have to ask him to plug in the power chord for me because the only outlet is down low like under his chair. He's actually an old man, he doesn't normally seem like it, so it is taking him fucking forever to bend over and get it into that outlet. I'm just watching him struggle when I start remembering all the really weird shit I wrote in my essay. I start getting freaked out. Did I really seriously truly write all that? I mean, this is a 6000 level course.
So I just grab my laptop and run, you know? My professor finally got the power chord in but he was still straining to stand up straight when I got out of there.
But I don't know. Should I send him an email tomorrow or what?
ResIspa: Submit it. Whatever crap you had written must have been better than a blank page.
UnCerveau: This. I don't understand people who seem to think that leaving something blank on an assignment or whatever seems to them to be a better option than turning *something* in.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1354865370 | 1355352293 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | Y0lo: TIseriouslyFU by bringing my camera with dirty personal pictures on it to work
I brought in my personal camera to work for some pictures I had to take. Our office camera sucks shit etc so I decided personal camera would be better. I haven't used the camera in a while nor have I bothered to upload pictures. When a coworker began to fiddle with it I didn't think anything until he very outloudedly asked me, 'so who's the girl' and gave a wink in front of a bunch of coworkers. Fuck memories came rushing of photoing my very hot girl friend dancing around in a towel and naked. Then I'm wondering if on this stick I have pictures of her... * ahem * on my stick. How much did he see!? Then followed by a round of curious insuations by all those who were to be involved in the photos I had to take. Then I felt really oddly dirty for using the same camera for said purposes. Not really the same camera but the same roll and afterwards when reviewing photos I was super super cautious.
Oh right, to make it worse, my g/f, yeah she's another coworker. This is very frowned upon especially because I am management level, the kid who saw my pics, receptionist level. Very well might now who my g/f is now. Fuck.
Edit, not put on a projector. I gave the 'kid' the camera, it was my own stupid fault and I'm not going to take it out on him. Also, my g/f is another coworker who according to company rules or at least ethic, I should be with. He now knows this. If in theory I wanted to come down on his shit, he could always talk shit and potentially get me into shit with the higher ups. Also, he's a good and I've got nothing against him.
filtersweep: What kind of 'manager' are you if your coworkers don't respect your shit?
Start cracking skulls!
Y0lo: I handed him the camera. It was my own damn fault.
ashgtm1204: Regardless of whether or not it was your fault you should have at least lectured him about discretion.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1354872173 | 1354910425 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | valet_of_destruction: Third day as a valet. Crashed a guest's rental into an employee's car.
GeorgeOlduvai: You do realize that all posts are required to start with "TIFU", right?
That having been said, whilst you did fuck up, you're nowhere near the level of fucked up that this subreddit is used to...see [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/) for an example.
[deleted]: > You do realize that all posts are required to start with "TIFU", right?
Now you mention it, why is that?
jesselikesfood: **DA RULES >>>**
| 4 | 5.5 |
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