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1410271781 | 1410314576 | t3_2fwoxl | t5_2to41 | 35 | hectron: TIFU by deleting ALL my company's git branches
Be weary of what you find on the internet, even within accepted answers in StackOverflow.
Luckily, we are pretty good when it comes to merging branches. There were about 1200 branches, of which about 20 were active.
**Tl;dr**
I renamed a local branch, then used the command `git push -f --mirror`. This deleted every single remote branch except for those I had.
**EDIT (Sept 13):** Luckily, I contacted GitHub and they were able to restore all the branches. A co-worker also was able to recover MOST of the branches. He did this by forking the repository and keeping it up to date with the main repository. He was a month or so behind, so not ALL the branches were there but 80% of them were.
MrTwisT007: Moral of the story - don't use git and move to subversion ;)
Ari_Rahikkala: You're right. That way branches will be so much of a pain that no-one will use them regardless!
MrTwisT007: At least it's easier to understand and you don't have to deal with push/pull requests and a nightmare hierarchy. Why the downvote?
Ari_Rahikkala: Wasn't from me (I ended up upvoting you because your post shouldn't be in the negatives). My guess is that there's git fans about who haven't internalised reddiquette too well yet.
| 5 | 7 | |
1410272157 | 1410360067 | t3_2fwpje | t5_2to41 | 188 | [deleted]: TIFU by absolutely wrecking a girl's cupboard... [NSFW].
This has been the worst week of my life... So on Saturday afternoon I'm chilling over at my friends flat near Georgia Tech, eating pizzas, drinking beers, playing Xbox and shooting darts. By the evening we were feeling in the mood for dancing and hopefully scoring. So we get showered, nicely dressed and drive down to MJQ Concourse to see what's going on. Get there, the vibe is kicking.. We spent about 30 minutes trying to get our drinks, the place was packed out. And the girls...HS. So after about an hour of drinking and mingling, we hit the dance floor and let rip. While my friend danced with some blonde chick who was longer than him, I left to get some more drinks. At the bar while I was waiting for the barman to get to my side of the bar, this chick pushes in next to me. And she is smoking...
Now, I am not shy or anything, but you know some girls just make you go all numb and retarded. So she asks me if I'm from around Atlanta. I said "yes, I live not far from here", sounding way more excited than I should. Fucking cringing thinking back to it now. Anyway, so we get our drinks, continue the small talk and end up dancing together. This chick is digging me I thought, not sure how sober she is exactly. But who cares. So after about 40 minutes, she tells me she is heading "home". I'm like 'but its still early, what's going on?' And then she starts with this flirting shit where she puts her hand inside the top of my shirt an my chest and tells me that her parents are out until later that evening and she wants the "house for herself" for a bit. Now I was starting to get the drift, but it was fucking surreal.
I've score before, but this is the jackpot, no effort required. So I didn't even had time to tell my buddy where I was going and we headed out to her car. She was telling me that she lived about 10 minutes from MJQ, near the Golf club. Now I'm sitting there feeling like I'm in a movie, talking to her about what she studies, where she grew up, shit like that, all the while realising that something is not right with my stomach. You know that dreaded feeling when you can feel it rumble and that something big and possibly horrible is on the way. The cramps would come and go, while I'm trying to think how the fuck I'm going to get it out. I'm thinking, when we get to her house, shall I try and fabricate a moment alone to try a fart at least? But that is too risky, what if I sоil my pants. It was one of those borderline ones which I wasn't exactly sure where it would go. So scrapping that idea, I though, okay I will just tell her I need to go to the toilet when we get there. Then again, bringing a guy home for some sexy time, you probably don't want him disappearing for 10 minutes into the bathroom first. The risks of the sounds, the smells... No fucking way, this sewer trout will have to stay inside no matter what.
I starting clenching my arse so tight, hoping my intestines will get the idea and back off just for an hour or two. So we get there, she was still living with her parents, but quite a nice house. To get to the point, we got to her room, she showed me around, we were making the usual small talk, waiting for the right moment.. So as we sit on the bed I leaned over and kissed her. We kissed for couple of minutes when her hand started moving onto my leg. I could still not believe I'm with this girl in her house and going to have sex. She unclipped my buckle and pulled my jeans off when there is the dreaded noise of keys in the front door ringing down the hallway. I swear I've never gone limp so quickly in my life. We both look at each other in total shock. She pulled her top back on and pointed me towards her cupboard, her face panic stricken and I'm also freaking out.
So I jump into the cupboard, pulling my jean (which was inside fucking out!!), my shoes and my socks in with me. I still had my boxers on. The cupboard was a bit cramped, but not too bad, with dresses hanging in front of my face and sitting on shoes or something. Trying to be quiet, with my heart beating out of my chest, I could hear voices in the corridor and this girl greeting them. You must be fucking kidding me. At that second, while not realising that all that pizza and beer has crept up on me again, without thinking I let slip what I thought was a fart, and fucking shаt myself. That second when it was too late I realised what happened, and I nearly fucking died. Most of it was inside my boxer briefs, but a tiny bit it came out and onto her shoes. And the smell was fucking overwhelming. Semi-drunk, it was too much and I puked against the side of the cupboard on the inside. That was it, I was fucked no matter how you looked at it. I decided to run. I opened the cupboard door, and the bedroom door was still closed. So I gambled..
I jumped into my jean and shoes quick, not even bothering with the socks. I stuffed them into my pockets. I opened her bedroom window, never looking back to see if her carpet survived, and jumped into a flower bedding. Thank god there were no dogs, I climbed onto a wheelbarrow against the wall and over the side gate, running like I've never run before. It took me about 45 minutes to walk / jog back home. Luckily it was dark and I kept dodging the couple of people on the side walk I passed. Threw my clothes in a black bag and took the best shower I've ever had in my life. My friend came back in the early hours the next morning, still tripping. He asked if I scored. I said "Yes, I did".
TL:DR - Threw up in and sоiled a girl's cuboard while hiding there.
infection212: You didn't walk 45 minutes with shit in your boxers, did you?
[deleted]: No I stopped by the neighbour first. Of course I did, what else could I do?
infection212: Ditch the undies and slip on the jeans
Silverlight42: perhaps you missed the part where he was walking home. Ditching undies without access to a private area such as a bathroom wouldn't be a good idea. Also nothing to wipe with.
Protagonists: he couldve gone into a dark area or behind a car (still risky thou) and took off his boxers, wiped with them, and then slip on his jeans and ditched the shit covered boxers.
| 6 | 31.333333 | |
1410272644 | 1410410549 | t3_2fwqc5 | t5_2to41 | 534 | DadGameFail: TIFU by buying my son Destiny...
A while back my son had asked me to pre-order a game called 'Destiny' for him (son is 18 years old btw), so being the polite man I am, I did. Fast forward a week before release and all of my sons friends have decided not to buy the game, so naturally my son asked me to cancel the pre-order for him (EDIT: For clarity, I did try but I couldn't). Instead I decided this would be a cool lesson for him to learn about spending money and impulse buys etc. Clearly my son has taken this the wrong way because he had a massive fit about it, flipped his mattress in his bedroom and starting using some nasty language. Finally, I wake up today and my son has disappeared and ran away from home to live at his mentally challenged friends pub. I've decided to just leave him there until he grows up a tad ").
[deleted]: 18 years old and throwing a tantrum like that?
No offence against your kid, but in your place I'd call him an ungrateful little shit and tell him to buy his own fucking games.
My daughter bitched once that her new tablet wasn't a fucking iPad, I just laughed at her and walked away with my new tablet. Didn't take her long at all to smarten the fuck up. (I gave it back to her eventually, once she realized what a little twat she was being.)
Crossbowshootr: My sister pulled the same shit with my mom when she got her an iPhone 5c instead of the 5s. She wanted a fancy gold and glitzy iPhone like her rich friends, so she took the phone in her tantrum and threw it against the wall, saying "I never get anything nice!"...while surrounded by the piles of designer clothing she *never* picks up or cleans herself and her fancy MacBook computer I bought for her Christmas gift (Top of the line at the time with the largest and best HDD/video card/CPU you could cram into the thing. She aspired to be an artist so I got that for her as well as a Wacom, now only uses it for bitching people out on Facebook and making edgy "me-me's".)
We're not exactly well off, so needless to say she eventually became grateful her phone still worked, even with the down volume button missing and the screen cracked in 3 places.
patx35: As a guy with a mutilated Dell and a cheap ass Windows laptop, wa dafuq bitch. My parents never buy any of my electronics. They either come second hand, or a pawn shop.
Bundt_Force_Trauma: I'm reading this on an abacus I picked up at goodwill!
patx35: Did you solder a network card into it?
Bundt_Force_Trauma: I'm using McDonald's free wifi. I'm not sure how my abacus connected, but I'm not one to look gift whores in the mouth.
patx35: God damn it, you have the self powered steel version with carrying handles. How did you afford it?
| 8 | 66.75 | |
1410271400 | 1410285406 | t3_2fwoco | t5_2to41 | 23 | linziwen: TIFU, locked myself out in my apartment balcony and had to climb down half naked.
Washed my shoes, was taking it out to dry on the balcony. It was raining outside. The balcony was a little bit untidy and dusty, so I though maybe I could wash it up. Without thinking, closed the door. Suddenly realized, oh dear, I locked myself out my own room. Oh shit, I was half naked, it was raining. Hard. I didn't know how to get inside. Shout towards to room besides me. No one answered. What the hell am I going to do. Tried to nudge my door. Unsuccessful. Eventually decides to climb down the fire escape, no shoe, saw some cables dangling, the ladder was wet. Please don't let me die like this. I looked like I was escaping from an angry husband because of a secret affair. Climbs down two level, thank you lord, found one room with their lights on. Shouted. The door opens. It was a group of boys. Thank the lord again they were not girls. I tried to explain but hurried out. Ran back up to my room. I looked the door in front as well. Decides, it couldn't get any worst. Goes to the apartment office to get my spare keys. No one is there. I had to slowly sneak outside. The manager saw me, started laughing before I could explain. She proceeds to run out and called one of the girl she was having a conversation with to see me. My face was burning. FML
**tl,dr: locked my self out my balcony, climb down fire escape half naked. Got laughed at by building manager.**
PouncingPoundcake: Why were you taking your shoes outside to dry while it's raining?
mercury996: probably an overhang above the balcony
PouncingPoundcake: It's dangerous to assume.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1410273153 | 1410274459 | t3_2fwr8w | t5_2to41 | -3 | KurzWebber: TIFU by calling my FWB, my other FWB's pet name.
FWB = Friend with benefit.
So, this happened literally a few days ago and I'm still trying to dig myself out of the clusterfuck I've gotten myself into..
So anyway. It's late, I'm texting both girls and I'm really sleepy. I've had a long day at work and I'm nodding off, when the fuck up happens. Have you ever text/said something when you were on the verge of sleeping that makes no fucking sense? Well, this happened.
But before that, a little background. Lets call FWB #1 Chloe and FWB #2 Nikki. Chloe is an absolute babe, she's funny and very attractive. Nikki is average, very tempremental and in all honesty, a psychopath with nothing going on in the bedroom.
So, I'm messaging Chloe before bed and I keep falling asleep, so I figured I can't take this anymore, I'll hit the sack, but before doing so, I'll send her a nice text message...
This message reads "I am sleep. I'll text you in the morn.
Night night Nikki Nuu Nuu x"
SHIT. THE. BED.
Needless to say, she isn't pleased. After trying to sort this out with Chloe, Nikki starts being all pissy with me and I end that.
I'm left with no FWBs. le sigh.
Dinosoarman: What is fwb? Op pls
KurzWebber: Friend with benefit. I'll edit my post!
| 3 | -1 | |
1410273867 | 1410278373 | t3_2fwseu | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by having two job interviews for separate companies inside the same office space.
I recently graduated from University and gave myself the summer to chill out. When I finally got around to applying for jobs I was (un)lucky enough to get two job interviews on the same day. One was early in the morning whereas the other was mid-afternoon and they were both in the same city, so I figured I'd focus on the first before prepping for the second afterwards. Stupidly I didn't check where the second interview was located.
I arrived at the office block in the morning and was sent up to the fourth floor by the receptionist. When I exited the lift I noticed that it was actually a shared office space housing two companies; the company I was interviewing for this morning (1) and the company I was interviewing for this afternoon (2). Fuck. What are the odds of that?
I was greeted and made to fill in an application form, sat in a reception type room with two desks, one bearing company 1's logo and the other bearing company 2's. When it was time to go through to get interviewed my name was called and I stood up, only for company 2's receptionist to say quizzically 'hold on, aren't you interviewing for us this afternoon?'. I smiled and said 'yeah that's me!', trying to speak confidently despite dying inside. My feigned confidence was rewarded by a room of stink eyes from both companies' receptionist and the other applicants.
I did the interview and was made to answer questions about why I chose that company specifically, despite the fact that they now knew I was also interviewing for another company, on the same day, in the same building, on the same floor, in the same office.
I came clean during the interview and explained I hadn't realised they were located in the same office space, managed to have a bit of a joke about it to cut the tension slightly. Obviously I cancelled job interview 2. I know I have the right to apply for more than one job but I figured they already think I'm a wanker so why waste their time!
ptrix: if they both called you for an interview, and we're both there, you could have possibly leveraged that to your advantage.
they BOTH wanted you, and thought you had something good to offer, or you wouldn't have been there, and if you didn't flub the interviews (if you had done both on the same day), they would have been in a position where they'd have to compete internally for you, which could have helped you argue for a higher salary. Because neither company would want to end up losing face internally for 'losing' you as a hire, and they'd both want to 'win' you for the experience and skills you were bringing to them.
all that aside, good luck
spaceofwaste: Sigh. You're right. TIFU by NOT attending two job interviews for separate companies inside the same office space.
Chinalatina: Aw man. Those looks where of jealousy and thinking"is this guy that good" you should have stayed.
| 4 | 3 | |
1410273850 | 1411156318 | t3_2fwse6 | t5_2to41 | 927 | ProfessorAwesome1: TIFU by being a smart ass and assuming that my professor can't speak a second language
I'm a smart ass little shit from the Czech Republic who is studying at a college in the US. My Czech friend and I decided to take Professor Awesome's psychology class over the summer. All month we got to class early, sat in the front, and chatted in Czech while our handsome professor prepared his materials. We talked about girls we want to fuck, our classes, and how much we hate Professor Awesome. We loudly mocked his clothes, his haircut, his lecture style, his grading policies. Even his shoes! It became an everyday thing to point out one of our professor's deficiencies. How would he know?
The problem is that our knowledge of Professor Awesome was lacking in one key area. His mother very courageously fled communist dominated Czechoslovakia in the early 70s. She eventually got to the United States, married an American man, and had a family. She taught her native language to her children. Thus, although Professor Awesome has a common English name (think Jones or Smith) and he speaks perfect English, he happens to be fluent in Czech.
On the day of the final exam, when Professor Awesome was handing out the test, he asked my friend and I how we liked the class...in Czech. We were pleasantly surprised and had a nice conversation in Czech. We received our exams and started writing. Two minutes in, my friend and I both shit ourselves. We realized that our glorious professor must have understood everything we said about him the entire semester. We looked at each other in horror and then at the front of the class. Professor Awesome was sitting there staring back with a tremendous smile on his face. RIP GPA.
crashbangboomerang: Maybe you foreigners should realize that Americans(even though he wasn't, yet you assumed) aren't stupid- as you tend to perceive- thus the reason you attended school in America. Czech trash
thlyn: you are the type of person that makes me feel ashamed to call myself American
crashbangboomerang: That was a proud American statement. Every post is "Americans are dumb and fat".... Grow a fuckin brain nimrod. We are the best. That's why he came to get schooled HERE.
thlyn: lol, what are we the best at, exactly?
crashbangboomerang: Everything.
thlyn: Statistically, we're better at almost nothing.
crashbangboomerang: Stats don't mean shit. I knew you would bring up the "stats". We have all of the necessities and are the police of the world. A few bad apples bring the stats down. The rest of the world strives to be like America. We fuckin rock
thlyn: Bad apples, fitting word choice ;)
crashbangboomerang: Go fuck yourself if you're implying me. I have a job, am well educated, and do my part. I was simple saying this kid thought his teacher was dumber than he was, probably thought his foreign language would be gibberish to his teacher. It's like Europeans who don't tip- they know exactly what they're doing. They think we are all stupid. We aren't. Just saying. You're not even a real american, said you're ashamed to be American after my FREE SPEECH statement. Go fuck yourself, saddam. You fucking halfwit American. You suck
thlyn: Lol
crashbangboomerang: Probably wouldn't even fight for your country, Move to North Korea
thlyn: You do realize that every single American is part immigrant, right?
crashbangboomerang: Obviously. Unless you're a stinky Indian
| 14 | 66.214286 | |
1410275297 | 1410375621 | t3_2fwuws | t5_2to41 | 417 | zissoum: TIFU by pretending I heard what my friend said on a noisy bus
It happened a few years ago and I still cringe when I think about it.
I was on a bus when an old friend got on. I said hi and I asked "what's up". She replied but I couldn't hear her. Asked her to repeat, so she did. Didn't understand her yet again. Asked to repeat once more and once again I didn't hear what she said. I was too embarrassed to ask again, so I just smiled and said "nice".
After 15 minutes or so it finally dawned on me what she had replied when I asked her "what's up" - it was "my father died last week".
Let me just repeat - I smiled and said "nice".
And that's why you NEVER pretend you heard the other person.
U2CH: Damn those low talkers.
telijah: Seriously, fuck them. I've had my hearing tested, yet all my friends look at me like I have a third eye when I constantly ask them to repeat something. Fucking mumblers.
misspigeon: With my friends I skip the "What?" and "Can you repeat that?" and go straight to, "I didn't hear a damn thing you just said. Speak up."
jayhawx19: Congratulations, you're an asshole
OdiousMachine: He is talking with his friends, not his boss.
jayhawx19: Your point? I said he was an asshole, not unemployed.
OdiousMachine: You are allowed to use informal language or you don't have to be super polite when talking to your friends. Unless you treat them like they are your boss, then you have different kinds of friends than I do.
| 8 | 52.125 | |
1410275116 | 1410282962 | t3_2fwul1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | I-Made-A-Mistake: TIFU by masturbating at work and accidentally cumming all over my desk.
sonofstjames: This is a near repeat of one last week... Lame!
[deleted]: Nope...this is an EXACT repost of the one last week.
Eyevoree: Link?
[deleted]: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2f0tft/tifu_by_cumming_all_over_the_place_at_work/
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410276893 | 1410315916 | t3_2fwxss | t5_2to41 | 6 | monkey_dg1: TIFU by breaking the single most important unspoken rule of humanity.
Five days have passed. 15 hours with a psychology therapist. Countless hours trying to my justify actions. 200$ spent in alcohol to drown out the voices pressing in on me, constantly reminding me of the horrors I've done. I've decided to finally come clean about it.
___
I stole the poptart.
[deleted]: Strawberry?
monkey_dg1: Wildberry
notmyfaultyourwrong: As long as my blueberry is safe I'm ok with it.
Ajsriracha: Woah I am surprised someone in this world actually likes blueberry pop tarts.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1410276937 | 1410285148 | t3_2fwxvk | t5_2to41 | 7 | GlorkFarb: TIFU by making a mockery of somebody who was having a bowel movement in a restroom.
Ever since I was a kid I have had this habit of making mock at people who are having a bowel movement in a public restroom. Generally what I do is wait until I hear a "noise", you know...a fart-type sound, a plop-splash sound, whatever. When I do, I loudly laugh in a very exaggerated way and I make obnoxious fart noises to mimic them. Then I shout something like "Taking a duuuuuuump" in a mocking, odd voice. Then I quickly exit the bathroom.
Although I am now 32 years old, I still do this whenever I find myself in a public restroom and somebody happens to be involved in a bowel movement. I recognize it is a bit immature but it brings me immense pleasure and satisfaction.
The other day I made a horrible mistake. I was at an office for a job interview and I had to urinate. This was prior to the interview. When I went in there, I noticed an occupied stall. I didn't even think about it, I am just so used to this behavior it's something of an automatic reflex. As soon as I heard a shit-sound I did my thing.
Something new happened. The person in the stall immediately stood up. He bolted up, actually, thrusting his head right over the stall to look at me. I was astounded and terrified. I mumbled an apology and basically ran out of the stall.
I was nervous. An employee had seen my face. If hired, how could I avoid this person?
Turns out I underestimated the severity of my mistake. When I went into the interview, the interviewer was none other than the guy from the bathroom. He just looked at me with a sort of baffled/disgusted expression.
I knew I was screwed, so I told the guy to fuck off and I just turned around and walked away. But I was crying.
I am so shamed that I fucked this up, I really wanted this job. I know I need to stop this bathroom thing but even after this I probably won't. So stupid. God damn.
blzy79: This just let's me know that not everybody on reddit is good, there are still fucking 32 year old grown men who yell childish things at people who are using the bathroom. Hell I'm only 18 and I've never done that.
melongtimelurker: you thought everyone on reddit was good??
blzy79: Reedit seems like a community of good people but I suppose just like everybody else reddit has idiots, pedophiles, gays, heterosexuals all kinds of people are on here.
ICriticizeYou: Wait..... there's GAYS on reddit????!?!??
blzy79: I was gonna say something but then I saw your username
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1410276508 | 1410313195 | t3_2fwx49 | t5_2to41 | 24 | a300zx4pak: TIFU by telling a co-worker I didn't know she was pregnant
This happened at my previous job. First of all, I'm a guy. I work with this nice lady who is my age (early 30s). She's a great co-worker and we help each other a lot when it comes to work. We get along well and are very friendly to each other. Since it's important to the story, I need to add that she is a rather large woman. I'm not trying to be a dbag, it's just the truth and there is a reason I'm telling you this point. Read on.
So, she is in my cubicle and we are discussing some work stuff. Then she casually says "I'll have Scott send this stuff to you while I'm out of the office for 3-4 months". To which I respond "Why are you going to be out of the office that long?". She says "I'm 8 months pregnant and am about to go on maternity leave." Up to this point, it's not that bad. But then without thinking I blurt out "I had no idea you were even pregnant!"
Immediately after I said that, I knew I fucked up. She kind of gave me this look like "are you serious? how did you not know I was pregnant?" But honestly, even at that point, I just could not tell she was pregnant. Like I said, she is a BIG woman and it wasn't easy to tell. I immediately felt like shit b/c I didn't mean to be an asshole. It just came out wrong. I genuinely think she's a great co-worker and person. We awkwardly finished the conversation and she left.
Over the next week before she left, we had to cover some more stuff before she left on maternity leave, and although it never came up, I think it was okay. She didn't seem to hate me and was still friendly, so I didn't bring it up. Lesson learned: think before you speak.
valaamaris: As a woman, that's not really an insult. You just play it off as she's not showing much. When you know she's in earshot say to another co-worker, "I can't believe co-worker is 8 months pregnant. She's barely showing!"
I lost 25 pounds during my pregnancy (severe morning sickness.) I was mildly overweight before having my son. 6 months later I'm playing with my son on the grass and my neighbor came over. She asked if the little one was mine and I said he was. She also remarked she didn't know I was pregnant and she saw me several times in the 8th and 9th months.
That said, never ever ask a woman when she's due unless you know she's pregnant. That one will get you into trouble.
a300zx4pak: thanks, makes me feel a little better about it!
5unbr0: Alternatively don't assume all fat people are pregnant.
tl;dr fat chick came in tube at rush hour, gave up my seat because thought she was pregnant, has a hissy fit about fat acceptance and other tumblr shit. *lady I was trying to be polite so stfu*.
| 4 | 6 | |
1410278472 | 1410285310 | t3_2fx0jt | t5_2to41 | 4 | Ificouldslaynoise: TIFU by standing up for an autistic guy.
First of all some background info:I'm a 15 year old male i have autism and live in Belgium and go to a school for 'autistic people' so everyone there has a form of autism some worse than others.
My story starts in late june on the playground of our school,theres this guy who is really really awkward,defenceless and is the perfect bully victim.He simply cant stand up for himself so he is getting bullied repeatedly everyday.Me and my friends watch him sometimes and feel bad for him(atleast i do) So this one morning he's getting bullied again by some girl who apparently decides everything he does and can do like he was to ask her if he was allowed to read ect. like really fucking with him and laughing at him so i go to him and invite him to stand with us (me and my friends) at this point the girl tells him to leave his bag,so he comes with me leaving his bag so i get his bag back for him and ask for his interests and such. And that was it since that moment he began stalking me following me around everywhere,when i'd go home he'd walk 5 meters behind me watching me,following me.Then he'd like awkwardly sit as close as he can to me on the bus and make an attempt to ask something like how my weekend was but he is so socially awkward that he would stutter and be nervous as fuck when asking me,so everytime he does i reply and get on with what i was doing like reading or something but lately it has been getting really anoying and i'm trying to think of something to make it stop but everytime i'm about to tell him go away or something i simply feel to bad for him.(i hope this was relevant for TIFU and please suggest something i should do to make this stop also sorry for my english,i am not a native)
needmylifebak: wow, i never knew autistic kids could get bullied at autistic schools. that being said- be patient and honest with him..not too honest that could hurt him but you could just play a big brother role..
Ificouldslaynoise: anyone can get bullied anywhere at any age pretty much it's something that exists and you just cant get rid of it.If everyone knows you won't defend yourself you're gonna get bullied its that simple =/.
as for the big brother role there are times when im just fed up with someone bothering me 24/7 i have problems too like everybody i feel like i cant really change him or make him a better person,he is not getting bullied anymore though i tend to interfere and help him but it's not always possible,call me a jerk but sometimes i feel like ignoring him or try to tell him to leave me alone.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410279238 | 1410281149 | t3_2fx1yd | t5_2to41 | 9 | Taazokaan: TIFU by pulling out a pack of gum in front of a friend
So this FU happened around 10 minutes ago (scary right?)
So my friend and I are chit-chatting in class when I pull out a pack of 5 gum because I'm craving for a piece, and then my friend asks "does my breath stink or something?" I completely froze. She is insecure about her appearance since she is a rather... Plump woman.
I told her that I don't think her breath stinks, just that I wanted a piece of gum that I wanted to chew on. She doesn't believe me.
Now, she's mad at me and more insecure than before. Fuck.
tempus_fugit_: You didn't fuck up. Your friend is super insecure and it sounds like a number of things could set her off. I hope she calms down and will eventually learn to love herself. Thanks for being an understanding friend OP!
Taazokaan: Fuck it, have an upvote!
| 3 | 3 | |
1410271543 | 1410444074 | t3_2fwokd | t5_2to41 | 7 | The_Automator22: TIFU By Reading An Email About A Coworker Regarding His Employment
Yesterday, actually, I went to grab something from his bosses desk(a normal thing to do). Noticed she was gone and glanced at her computer screen. There was a email up that started with our plant manager, then went to HR and then her all talking about how he does sloppy work and how he is going to be dismissed on his next review. The last email in the chain was from my boss asking her to come into his office to talk. About 10 minutes earlier I had gone in there to get something signed and saw they were talking quietly about something. Most likely the emails I read...
Now I like this guy and I share a small office with him. I don't think it's really a good idea to tell him what I know, but I don't know what he's going to do if he gets fired. I'm afraid if I tell him somehow they will find out that I was the one who told him. I feel bad, I kind of wish I didn't know what I know.
leemanfor: I had something similar happen.
I quit a job in IT and if you dont know, usually when you give your two weeks in IT they let you go immediately. Well this company didn't, and I decided to snoop in my bosses' boss email to see if they were going to counter offer. Found out they had hoped my boss was turning in his letter of resignation, and not me. They also sent an email to HR to bring up his last writeup, and that they were very unhappy with his performance.
I told him to watch his back. That was in February and hes still there.
The_Automator22: You could read any email sent with your work sever? That's pretty powerful.
leemanfor: Yes. I had access to EVERY email inbox.
The_Automator22: Scary.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1410281109 | 1410320902 | t3_2fx5gi | t5_2to41 | 8 | Just_some_n00b: TIFU by not being good at lying.
**Not as shocking or cringey as a lot of TIFUs, but it was actually today.. and I actually fucked up. So here goes:**
I woke up this morning thinking, "Why does my alarm sound so weird today?"
After rubbing my eyes, scratching my nuts and coaxing myself out of bed as per usual, I realize, "OMG that's a meeting alert, not my alarm."
At this point I had about 13 minutes to make it to an exceptionally early meeting with a few directors, a VP and an EVP. Fuck.
So I do what any sensible adult would do and run around the house yelling and screaming about how angry I was with myself, the plight of the working American, how I should quit and become a landscaper or a dog walker, WHERE MY GOD DAMNED SOCKS ARE... you know... normal, reasonable things.
In the midst of the chaos my GF says "Hey, you got in an accident on the way home from work yesterday, why don't you just email them a pic and say it was this morning?"
"Nah, I'm not much of a lier.. I'll just get there late and deal with it."
Eventually I find my stupid socks, kiss her goodbye and head out the door.
About a block from my house I realize my gas light is on, check the *distance to empty* readout on the trip computer thing.. 11mi left. Work is about 13mi.
Defeated, I pull into a gas station to fill up; and start writing the big fat lie of an excuse email that my GF suggested earlier.
*Got in an accident on the freeway on the way to the office. Will be there asap.*
Attached the pic I'd taken of the accident damage to the email, hit send, finished filling-up and drove off feeling relieved - for about 15 seconds - until I realized that I just sent an excuse email to 12 people, including 4 that are director or above, with a picture with the file name **20140908_171108.jpg**.
As in, yesterday.
All replies were "Hope you're ok" or "Aww that sucks" except for one... which was just "LOL".
Sitting in the meeting now. I know they know. But maybe they don't. But then they probably do. Well, at least one does. OMG somebody shoot me.
Worst part... some other dude showed up 5 minutes after I did, which is a total of 35min late.. and just said "sorry, there was traffic."
I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned here... probably about not listening to your girlfriend, or something like that.
**TL;DR I lied about why I was late for a meeting, left a gaping hole in my alibi, at least one person knows. Now I'm sitting here with the beating of my tell-tale-heart ringing in my ears and I could have just said "sorry, there was traffic"**
thpowaguey: Set the date on your phone a day back, and say, "oh golly gee whiz, I just realized the date on my gol'durn space phone is wrong. Oooh that's a whopper"
Just_some_n00b: Was going to say I set my phone clock forward and backward to get candy crush lives, but it never came up.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410281903 | 1423909201 | t3_2fx6xc | t5_2to41 | 140 | arktosmormont: TIFU by queefing in my boyfriend's face
TIFU by going along with a very dumb idea. My boyfriend and I were fooling around and post-orgasm giddiness had settled in for both of us. Somehow we got on the topic of queefing and he asked me what it was like. After explaining that it's like farting out of your vagina, he asked me if he could try and make me queef.
This is where I fucked up. I let him.
So down he goes to my womanly parts, where he starts blowing in (mind you this feels weird but good), and then out comes not one, or two, but a series of solid, wet queefs. He falls off the bed in hysteria and as I try to clench and hold in the rest until I can make it to the bathroom but it only makes it worse. They come out faster. And not to mention I was still wet from our post-fool around sesh so they were like a machine gun of wet farts out of my vagina. I sounded like Donald Duck was laughing out of my fun-hole.
TL/DR: TIFU by letting my bf blow into my vagina and queefing donald duck-style
Talidaar: "I sounded like Donald Duck was laughing out of my fun-hole."
I just about lost it! I seriously had to cover my mouth so my coworkers wouldn't hear me! Thank you for the best laugh I've had today. XD
ChrisDnmnm: I'm in the exact same situation, just on a train. Trying to cover up my hysterical laughing, but just can't. I'm crying now.
Sweet_Dreams88: I am on train just now. O M G
| 4 | 35 | |
1410281294 | 1410320942 | t3_2fx5s0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a co-worker a question at work
Back when I was in high school, I used to work at a fancy grocery store. It's an southern chain that focuses on "customer service" and that gives them the right to tack on a 25% surcharge on every item.
On the day in question I was working as a cashier and one of my friends was helping me out by bagging the items at the end of the conveyor belt. One of the store policies was to never let the customer be involved in the check out process. They aren't to lift items onto the belt and they aren't to bag anything. This tends to slow the process down a little due to the way the store is designed and we were swamped and understaffed. People were getting agitated from the long wait.
Finally, we got a bit of a break and I start talking to my friend who was helping me bag items. He mentioned that he's getting a new console, but before we can finish the conversation another customer comes up. I go through the standard routine, how are you ma'am? did you find everything? do you have our membership card?
She barely grunts in acknowledgement and I shrug, so we get to to work. After a little while, she walks back in the aisle to look at the candy. I ask my friend which console he's getting while we continue to work. He responds and the woman walks back. I make the mistake of saying that I prefer one over the other and she explodes. Out of nowhere. I felt like I jumped a foot in the air. I can't exactly remember what she said but it went something like this. "You are working for me! YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME! YOU EITHER TALK TO ME OR SHUT THE FUCK UP" She goes on for a good minute before the store manager (the guy who runs this branch. Not just some manager, THE manager) comes to address the problem.
He sends my friend off to help someone else with bagging and sends me to his office. My aisle was just in front of his office so I could hear their conversation. She's still mad and tells him that she drove OUT OF HER WAY to come to this store and that I disrepected her. She also refuses to pay for her groceries, which I hadn't finished scanning but had already totaled to over $150. He says she doesn't have to pay and she's still not happy. She wants disciplinary action. Manager comes back and tells me to take an early lunch. By the time I come back, he says that I'm not allowed to continue working today as a cashier. He says I can wear their furry mascot costume if I want to continue at the store.
I'm unclear if he meant that I would be working as the furry mascot indefinitely or just for the rest of the day, but telling your boss to fuck right off is a fireable offense. Who knew?
BatCat12: Had the same thing happen lol I included the customer in the conversation and everything was okay, then she went to complain to the manager that she didn't want to talk about how her weekend was and that we weren't nice enough to her or asked her if "she found everything okay"
I got in trouble for making conversation with a customer as a cashier.
barryk013: That's fucking ridiculous
[deleted]: Some adults are really just overgrown children.
| 4 | 2 | |
1410282391 | 1410392924 | t3_2fx7t9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | throwaway90914: [TIFU] By stealing some things from my (ex?) neighbour.
This happened last night and wasn't me, it my was brother and some fri ends. Having a few bevvies around a fire on a nice evening.
We found out that our neighbours had moved out. They were a strange bunch with about 9 or 10 of them living in a 3 bedroom, semi-detached house. They were of the eastern European ethnicity, I'm not sure which exactly.
We found out that they were moving out because they owed a few months rent to the landlord and they were hitching up and doing a runner. They'd packed up their cars (about 4 of them) with belongings and left on Sunday. We hadn't seen them at all yesterday and they left two car wrecks and a load of parts on the driveway.
Cut back to last night whilst I was at work, my brother hopping over the back fence and thought he'd be nosey and have a mooch. Back door was locked but the rear entrance to the garage was open. Inside there were car engines, car parts, speakers, stereos, tools. A TV, some bikes, a large gym punch bag, fishing rod and various other pieces.
Being drunk he and his friends thought they'd have some fun and decided to take a couple things, albeit only a fishing rod, the punch bag and a couple deck chairs.
Got it over the back fence, placed it inside the house, job done.
Two hours later a car pulled up next door (one of them with one of the families in) and they started to load more belongings into the car from the house. We shat ourselves (me being home at this point discovering what had happened) and the rest of my night ended up sitting in the house in darkness watching out the window.
No commotion followed and they left. *phew*.
Except this morning I get up and there's a different car outside (one of the other families that lived in there) and they were loading up things from the garage into one of the wrecked vehicles on the driveway, which was then towed just hours later.
There's now nobody there and only one of the wrecked vehicles. We're shitting it and don't know what to do with the stuff, do we load it and ditch it somewhere? We can't put it back, they'd have noticed by now. (Hopefully they're just unsure if someone else took it)
I said to a friend we should just own up to it next time we see them, give it back say sorry, you were drunk and thought it a good idea, no harm done? But he said we can't trust them to let it slide.
I'm expecting a knock on the door to ask if we've seen anything, which I said the response should be "I haven't, heard some people there yesterday but they were speaking another language and assumed it were you guys." (I honestly couldn't tell you who lived there if I saw them, there were different people every week)
tasidhtli: My husband and I lived next door to another family that sounds the same. About 3 or 4 eastern european families (they were actually slovakian) crammed into one 2 bedroom townhouse. They were awful neighbours, always leaving shit laying around the yard, probably also in rent arrears. When they finally did get around to yard work they would always ask to borrow tools from us, lawnmower etc and take ages to return them or we'd never see it again, so we quickly learned to stop lending things. The families would rotate and change, there was always one consistent family but its like they were helping their european buddies get set up and learn the ropes. Basically the point of my comment boils down to, your neighbours probably deserved having some things took off them cuz they likely took them off someone else anyway.
878lettuces: Flat out racist. "It's cool to steal from these people because I met a family from a massive expanse of land and they sucked" seriously, fuck you.
tasidhtli: you're funny. racist, no. stereotyping, maybe. I've actually been to the country as well and the people are lovely, yes. I don't hate slovakians, or anybody for that matter. Every single family though that had been through that house next to us (not just one if you'd actually read my comment) was the exact same. So go ahead and call me racist if it makes you sleep better, but if you'd been living next to them you'd probably have a different opinion yourself.
878lettuces: Nope not moronic eneough to have an opinion on a whole massive geographic zone on the basis of having some bad neighbors... that is just brain meltingly stupid.
Not to mention on that basis justifying theft is even more disgusting.
That is literally the definition of racism.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1410280139 | 1410284527 | t3_2fx3of | t5_2to41 | 5 | Eyevoree: TIFU by printing out my extensive letter to my coworker and forgetting it at work.
Like most posts, this happened a couple weeks ago.
I'm in the military and work with a couple medics and one civilian nurse. Over the past (almost) year, she's become like a crazy aunt to me. Not quite a mother, but she's amazing and we love her.
But she is bat shit crazy sometimes. She's very adamant about keeping things the way they are, therefore, whenever I come up with a new and efficient way to do things, she puts her hand up and wants no part of it. In the military, everything is constantly changing and we always look for better ways to do things, so I always try to pitch new ideas to my sergeant.
Over the past few months, I've been trying to get her to follow the new rules that were put out last May. We work under a doctor over at our other clinic and she made it very clear that she wanted things to be done her way, since we work under her license. I feel like she has this right, you know?
Our nurse, let's call her Linda, does not want to follow these rules. Whenever she sees patients, she puts them in the computer *her* way. I've been trying to get her to switch over to the *doc's* way for months now, but she won't do it. Which in turn, makes it so I either have to fix all of her mistakes or they slip past me and we get chewed out. I had to stay late sometimes because I had to fix all of her shit. Being military, I have no choice, but she would leave early because they can't make her stay as a civilian.
I finally got fed up and wrote a 3 page long letter to her, with the intent of being read aloud. I called my sergeant and told him that I wanted a meeting between the three of us and I was going to read my letter so there was no "he said she said" and maybe we could fix this crap. I write it, refine it to perfection, and print it out.
Now, here's the mistake. I was in a rush to leave that day, so I accidentally left it on our shredder. This new medic we had is a moron, so she finds it and goes, "Linda, is this yours?" and hands it to Linda. I'm already gone by now, so Linda read the whole letter. She calls up my sergeant ranting and raving, very convinced that I "left it there for her to find." I'm not the type of person to be that passive aggressive, so why she thought that, I don't know.
But my sergeant calls me angry asking why I left it there. It turns into this big shit storm and he's so worried about her health and sanity that he literally has to seperate us. The letter was very professional, but she just lost it. He ended up moving her to the other clinic while I worked at ours, and then moved me once she got back.
**TL:DR** I left a letter at work that consisted of chewing out my coworker about all the mistakes she's been making and she read it before I could discuss it with her in front of our boss. Resulted in us having to be moved to different clinics because she freaked.
Smitty9913: Damn she sounds like a bitch, keep us updated. Also what is your rank?
Eyevoree: I'm a PFC. Basically zero voice and power.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410284338 | 1410286768 | t3_2fxbj7 | t5_2to41 | 12 | PM_ME_MY_PIC: TIFU by pretending to know to what I agreed last saturday while beeing drunk. (TIFUinProgress)
First off, I think Iam slightly before the major fuck up takes place... next Saturday
Last saturday I went to a party and got drunk..
There was a friend a mine(Alice) with her bestfriend(Clara) I saw the first time.
We talked the whole night and drank alot of different stuff, meanwhile Alice got annoyed by not getting enough attention from everyone.. (isn't exactly true)
Here I have to say, Alice is a little bit weired and gets alot of those 'issues' but iam not here to judge her mental health.
I was distracted because I desperately tried to get the number from Clara,
no attention to spare here....
After I had to leave hastly the party in the morning, with the phonenumber, >winning, I thought everthing is fine..
until today... i got a phonecall from Alice, didn't answer, cause... you know .. crazy women .. dont want to know what she is up to.. but at this time Iam only 4 hours away from a date with her bestfriend Clara.
Alice called again... didn't answer..
In the end I had no choice.. rly i thought about it for an hour.. i texted her back that iam in a meeting and asked what she wanted.
This text came back: 'Only wanted to know if everything is alright with saturday, so i can buy the tickets in advance'
me:Uh, shock, nonono, nope, NOPE! ... hell no!.. argh, fuck.
If I would have said: 'Uhm no idea what you are talking about'
Hell would break lose over me.. AND more importantly my chances with Clara would dwindle.. So I pretended to know what she was talking and wrote back: 'Yes should be no problem, lets talk about the exact time tomorrow'
Now Iam sitting here, in agonising fear of the event on saturday, waiting for my date with Clara in about 2 hours.
Which should go fine except I talked 5 hours to her and I dont know anything about her. Fun times ahead!
I will deliver updates :)
---------------------------
UPDATE:
Date went well, 10/10 would do again!
I have no idea how I managed to ger her number in the first place, but its definitely worth the hassle with her friend.
Unfortunately I got more infos about the current situation then I asked for.
It seems ms. crazy Alice, who is the girlfriend of one of my best friends for the last several years,
wants something from me.
...More than the 3meter saftydistance I am willed to offer...
Aaand to give this situation the icing on top
-> last saturday i agreed to go, with her, Alice, to something akin 'Oktoberfest'
(Big tents, all you can drink beer, lots of drunk people.)
Now Iam really fucked, but at least Clara gets her chuckles out of it and demands updates :)
weoewopwe: First off, I think Iam slightly before the major fuck up takes place... next Saturday
Last saturday I went to a party and got drunk.. There was a friend a mine(alice) with her bestfriend(Bimbo) I saw the first time. We talked the whole night and drank alot of different stuff, meanwhile alice got annoyed by not getting enough attention from everyone.. Here I have to say, alice is a little bit weired and gets alot of those 'conditions' but iam not here to judge her mental health. I was distracted because I desperately tried to get the number from bimbo, no attention to spare here.... After I had to leave hastly the party in the morning, with the phonenumber, >winning, I thought everthing is fine..
until today... i got a phonecall from alice, didn't answer, cause... you know .. crazy women .. dont want to know what she is up to.. but at this time Iam only 4 hours away from a date with her bestfriend/bimbo. alice called again... didn't answer..
In the end I had no choice.. rly i thought about it for an hour.. i texted her back that iam in a meeting and asked what she wanted.
This text came back: 'Only wanted to know if everything is alright with saturday, so i can buy the tickets in advance' me:Uh, shock, nonono, nope, NOPE! ... hell no!.. argh, fuck.
If I would have said: 'Uhm no idea what you are talking about' Hell would break lose over me.. AND more importantly my chances with bimbo would dwindle.. So I pretended to know what she was talking and wrote back: 'Yes should be no problem, lets talk about the exact time tomorrow'
Now Iam sitting here, in agonising fear of the event on saturday, waiting for my date with bimbo in about 2 hours. Which should go fine except I talked 5 hours to her and I dont know anything about her. Fun times ahead!
I will deliver updates :)
weoewopwe: See ;)
PM_ME_MY_PIC: I see, but iam more the A/B guy, clean, easy to see, see? ;) But I appreciate your input. :)
| 4 | 3 | |
1410284154 | 1410352504 | t3_2fxb6s | t5_2to41 | 63 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally having leaked celebrity nudes projected on large screen at baby shower
This actually happened over the weekend - I'm DJing my sister's baby shower, and we're having some technical difficulties with the projector, the screen going on and off for no reason. Suddenly, the projector decides to come back to life right as I accidentally press the windows button, and for those of you not familiar with windows 8, the start menu will conveniently have thumbnails of recently viewed items pop up in front of you.
Luckily(?) it was family and friends only, and not a professional gig... The irritating thing about the whole incident was that I even took the precaution of temporarily deleting the files so this exact scenario can't happen...
TL;DR: DJing sister's baby shower, and BAM!, 10ft titties on screen for the viewing pleasure of around 40 guests
r3solv: "OMG my computer was hacked! How did this happen!"
Nice save OP!
xxruruxx: The hacker named The 4chan is to blame! I swear!
| 3 | 21 | |
1410284482 | 1410381475 | t3_2fxbt0 | t5_2to41 | 408 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on an OKCupid date... that lasted 3 days
Quick background: I'm new to Texas from the east coast, I moved here less than a year ago for a girl who broke my heart the first week I moved here. She cheated, I caught her, it sucked. It took me several months to get my life back together, that sucked as well.
This story takes place about 3 months ago:
Anyway my friends told me to get on all the regular sites to meet girls, Tinder, OKCupid, Match, etc. I wasn't really into it at all when I first started, but as I started feeling better about myself and getting good reactions from girls, I started going on a couple dates. I was terribly nervous, didn't really know what to talk about, and they were generally awkward. Then, I ran across a profile of a girl who I was drawn too. Let's call her 'Sam' for the purposes of this story.
We began chatting via the messenger on OKC, and within 3 messages she did the "I have had a hard life, you wouldn't understand". This, to me, because I am very mentally ill man, is a challenge that I can't let pass me by. I assured her I most definitely could, and she began to emotionally unload a full magazine of bullets at my brain/heart. I took them all in stride, I understood a lot of what she was going through and I thought I could help talk her through it. We exchanged numbers and ended up talking on the phone for a long time that night.
It should be noted that I fully understand how stupid I am. But, I am a sick person when it comes to emotional health. I was not in a good place mentally. I have always tried to 'fix' people, stemming from my relationships with the women in my family, and my romantic relationships are no different. I am attracted to women who most would consider to be troubled, and it's a very dangerous thing. Anyway back to the story.
The next day we're texting, she tells me her mother kicked her out of her house and she doesn't know what to do. Again, I have not yet met this girl. So I tell her I'll come up and hang out with her and we'll figure something out. Worst case scenario should would have fun bullshitting with me. She said ok, and gave me an address to meet her at. Now I am not familiar with Texas at all, and certainly not familiar with the backwoodsy area outside of the major cities. The drive from my house to meet her was about 2 hours North, which is a direction I have never driven.
I get to the address she provided, which was a rundown, very redneck gas station. Straight out of a movie type of redneck. I haven't changed my license plates yet since I moved, so as soon as my car pulled in you could see everyone look at me. It was like in a movie when the record scratches and stops and everybody stares at the main character who awkwardly says hello.
I sit quietly in my car, I now have no phone service because I am in the middle of nowhere, until she arrives. She shows up with her dog, in a extremely beat up and dirty truck and I introduce myself. I could tell she was attracted to me, and I was attracted to her, so I thought, at least this isn't going to be a complete disaster. I ask her what she wants to do, and she says she really just wants to sit down somewhere and relax for a little while.
I follow her to a Sonic, we eat, talk, and end up getting along famously. She seems just smart enough to not be stupid, but not to smart to think she knows everything. She's cute enough, and sort of fits into my type. Things keep going well, we talk for an hour or 2 after we finished eating and then she started telling me how she has nowhere to stay for the night, etc. She also tells me about her ex-husband (she is 25 years old) that she had been married to for 8 years before divorcing earlier in the year. He is a meth cook/dealer and she was really into meth for at a point in her life. He was abusive to her (obvi) and she left him and he is looking for her. Well, don't threaten me with a good time. Crazy meth pussy and psycho ex husband? I'm in. I look across the street and there is a La Quinta, so I tell her let's just go there, I'll get a room and she can stay in it for the night.
We head across the street, get the room, hang out some more, take the dog out for a walk, come back in... All just random shit you do. She eventually says she's really tired and lays down in the bed next to where I am sitting. One thing leads to another, and the magic happens.
It was nice, I enjoyed it, I needed it at that point. She falls asleep very soon after and so do I. I end up waking up in the middle of the night and trying to escape but she wakes up as I'm walking out. My plan was foiled, but whatever, I like this girl, she's cool and we just had sex so I'm not going to be an asshole. We talk for a little bit and she again gets upset about how she has nowhere to stay the next night. I explain to her that I think it's inappropriate for me to pay for the hotel for another night, especially as I'm not going to be staying there another night, but I'm sure she'll figure something out.
She assures me that's not what she meant, it was just that she felt a connection with me and wanted to share how she was feeling. Whatever. I tell her I'm going home to sleep and she says she wants to come with me and stay at my house. I explained to her that being as I already paid for the room, she should stay and when she gets up just come to my house and we can hang out for the day in the city. She says ok.
I go home, as soon as my head hits the pillow, she's at the door. Fine, whatever. She walks in, with her dog, which sucks because I live with roommates and we don't have any pets, nor did we pay the pet deposit, but whatever, it's just one day. Also it should be noted, that this dog didn't take very kindly to me and was essentially an asshole overall.
We hang out for a bit, have sex, watch some TV, get food etc. We go drive around for a bit, come home, have sex, eat dinner, standard shit I suppose. Come home again, have sex, go to sleep. The next morning we wake up, and it's now Sunday. This whole thing started on a Friday, and I literally haven't had more than a 2 hour drive of separation from this strange jezebel in over 2 full days. I wake her up and let her know that I'm going to run to the store to run a few errands, take a shower, etc. Just get on with my day, as I work the next day and I have things to do that I neglected all weekend.
She said, yeah sure do what you need to do. Then entire night, both nights we were in the same bed, this fucking dog would jump on the bed and wedge himself in between me and her and stick his ass in my face and/or on my face. Literally over and over again. It sucked. So when I come home from running my errands, I see the dog standing at the door, actually happy to see me. I was taken aback by this, but whatever, dogs usually like me, maybe old Fido just needed some time to warm up to me. I walk in my room, she is on her phone, and there is a big pile of dog shit on my side of the bed, just below my pillow. I look at her, and point to the dog shit, and she just starts laughing hysterically.
This was clearly not funny to me. I look at her puzzled, not knowing what to do or say. Did this girl, who I just spent all this time on, all this energy on, all this money on, really just let her dog take a shit on my bed, in my home. Furthermore, she didn't have the sense to clean it up before I got home, and even further than that, she didn't have the sense to apologize upon noticing it and not laughing??!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
I don't say anything mean, I kind of just grunt a couple of times, ask her to get off the bed and I remove the sheets. I go and throw them in the wash, and ask her what her plan is for the day. She says nothing, probably she'll just do whatever I'm doing. I look at her puzzled and try to nicely tell her it's time for her to go back to her home. She isn't getting the hint. I tell her I'm really busy today and I have to get my shit ready for work tomorrow in the morning. She still doesn't get it. Then: "Listen, I think it's time for you to go home". She looks at me completely dumbfounded. She begins to cry, uncontrollably.
I stand there, shitty hands, pissed off, stupid dog licking my leg. "Why? Why can't we just hang out more". "Because, I have shit to do, that I don't need or want a companion for". Again, tears start flowing and flowing and flowing and flowing. At this point I know what is going on. I have encountered a Stage 6 clinger. The worst type of clinger. She isn't going to understand anything I say if I say it nicely. "Listen, you're really nice, but I really have to get back to my regular life. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but that's honestly not my problem and you crying like this is really unattractive. I haven't done anything but be nice to you and you're trying to fuck with my head." She now starts laughing, uncontrollably. Laughing, laughing, laughing. I have no idea how to react. She begins to explain to me that she just really likes me, that I'm really sweet, and she thinks we should spend more time together.
This goes on for another few minutes. As this is going on, I see the dog from the corner of my eye pissing on the floor, near the wires and surge protector for my computer. I now, completely lose my shit, and she begins to laugh again. Never gets up to clean it, doesn't even offer. I pick up her bags, put them on the front steps, with her dog and tell her it's time to go. She sheepishly give me my shorts and shirt back that she was wearing, and stands there naked in front of me. Essentially baiting me to fuck the shit out of her one more time, but I stayed strong my friends. I turned around and walked away.
She gets dressed, in her own clothes, and meets me by the front door. She asks if we'll see each other again soon, and I said "Highly unlikely". Still she doesn't get it and begins to ask why, I just sort of ignore her and hurry her out the door.
Over the next week I got numerous texts, what I think are drive bys in front of my house, and weird phone calls. It stopped eventually, and I learned my lesson. No matter how attracted I am to crazy, I will no longer insert my penis in crazy. I will no longer engage in coitus with crazy. I will have normal intercourse, with sane women, and enjoy that, because that's what sane men do.
TL;DR - met a crazy girl on OKC, ended up spending an entire weekend with her, her dog shit on my bed to spite me, she laughed and didn't clean it, she was nuts, probably bi polar, kicked her out, never spoke to her again.
[deleted]: TL;DR OP stuck his dick in crazy
TParis00ap: She sounds like a good booty call - keep her number for when your lonely lol
ACURA_NSX: Did this when I was younger but it blew up on me. She'd threatened to cut herself every time I leave afterwards and one time she'd walked into oncoming traffic to commit suicide because I told I needed to go home.
Blauwvinger: Wait, did she succeed? If so, that's harsh man
ACURA_NSX: Thankfully no. A car barely missed her. It veered off into another lane and almost cause a major wreck. Never again
| 6 | 68 | |
1410278458 | 1410516013 | t3_2fx0j0 | t5_2to41 | 25 | revelationsperminute: TIFU by unknowingly laughing at an amputee
I work extra as a cashier during the weekends at the local gas station.
Im turned away from the entrance and didn't notice this guy enter. I turn around to see him limping with a crutch in front of the counter (didn't see his legs). He dressed like someone that would be mountainbiking or hiking, or anything else that could hurt you. So I though I should joke with him a little bit and asked while laughing "Fallen of the bike?" He gives me a very strange look (by then I knew I had fucked up) and replies with "not really" as he lifts the stump up to show me(it was cut by the knee). I've never been so embaressed in my whole life but fortunately he told me he was cool.
BloodyasHell: Oh shit. Cringeworthy for sure…
revelationsperminute: Spot on
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1410275537 | 1410297084 | t3_2fwvbh | t5_2to41 | 11 | BunsOhSteel: TIFU by being a dumbass drunk American abroad
Spring break 2010 - I'm studying abroad in Florence and go to Barcelona / Valenica for 10 days with my best friend. Pretty fucking awesome. Fast forward to an incredibly wasted night where my friend had already gone back to the hostel. I'm wandering the streets of Barcelona slowly making my way back to my hostel when I get approached by some girl (may or may not have been attractive) who proceeded to walk right up to me, grab my crotch and start saying sultry stuff. Mind you, I'm a wasted 20 year old who suddenly has validation that he's the hottest shit in all of Europe. Never did I question why it happened, I figured life was finally playing out the way it was supposed to. Within seconds another girl came up to me and started rubbing me while the first girl slid a hand down my pants (albeit over my boxers). I was the fucking man. Then one of them started saying sucky sucky and I finally realized that these were just cheap whores. Said realization resulted in me pushing away from them only to see my wallet fall to the ground. Suddenly, my Jew senses kicked in and I realized I was getting robbed. So I pick up my wallet, said fuck you and turned around to continue on my way. I then examine my wallet and notice that my 100euros are already gone and they took my shitty europhone. Fucking assholes. Luckily I had all of my ids and what not. Definitely the most expensive fake-handjob I've ever gotten in my life.
TLDR: wasted stupid American spent 100+euros to have an unattractive street urchin almost give me a handjob.
bcrabill: It took two different girls molesting you in the street and saying "sucky sucky" to realize the girls with their hands down your pants were prostitutes?
BunsOhSteel: Only one had a hand down my pants. But otherwise, yes.
Barcelona is one hell of a city
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410284871 | 1410298499 | t3_2fxchr | t5_2to41 | 5 | jennihopeless: TIFU by joking around with a stranger about poor education choices
This has happened to me twice. And somehow I do not learn.
The first time, I was at a launch party hosted by a wedding planner. As I was mingling with a group of people, the host mentioned that she was looking into switching her profession back to her original choice, just because she spent all this money on university. I replied, "let's not hope it isn't an useless degree like psychology, haha".
The group went silent. Yup. It was psychology.
The second time I did this was with one of my patients, who was in the midst of completing her 4th year in criminology. I should really ask people their major before making this joke. By the way, I don't think the majors are useless, I just make terrible jokes.
balLZ112: How about not saying anything?
jennihopeless: Word vomit is a serious condition.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410284899 | 1410321040 | t3_2fxcjn | t5_2to41 | 19 | PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: TIFU by vomiting on an officer in the United States Navy.
To provide a little backstory, I am in an NROTC unit. This basically means that I joined the Navy as something technically in between an enlisted person and an officer, and the government pays for my college. In return, I become a commissioned officer after college and pay back my education with time in the Navy.
A big part of being in an NROTC unit is the PT (Physical Training). I had a stomach virus that was pretty brutal, and working out as hard as we did often makes me feel nauseous.
As a buddy and I walked into the restroom, I felt a terrible upheaval in my stomach. There was a recycling bin right behind me, so I spun around to make sure I made the smallest mess I possibly could. Unfortunately, I couldn't hold it in, and I projectile vomited all over the shoes of an officer who was standing right there. She just looked at me in shock for a few seconds, and I retched into the little blue bin. I recovered and attempted to apologize, but a second wave of sickness seized me and I turned back to the vomit-filled plastic container. When I was able to look up again she had walked away.
I still haven't been able to look her in the face since the incident.
TL;DR: I sprayed bodily fluids all over a female officer who just happens to be one of my direct superiors.
mcwap: Fairly relevant story: I went through Navy OCS several years ago and there was one guy in our class who always fucked up everything- as in his subreddit would've been "EIFUE- Everyday I Fuck Up Everything. Our DI affectionately nicknamed him "Shenanigans." Well, a few weeks in and our biggest inspection is happening. RLP (room, locker, personnel) inspection is probably the most time-consuming and stress-inducing moment in OCS because it is essentially the make or break moment of your training. We spent weeks preparing and he, unfortunately for him, has the eyes of all the DIs and RDCs on him like hawks. The only female DI, who also happened to be an incredibly intimidating lady, walks up to him to do his inspection. "Shenanigans" squares up to salute her and in bringing his hand from his side to his brow he basically "bean dips" her right in the boobs. I've never seen DIs flock to one candidate like that and an immense ass-kicking ensued. Just thought I'd share.
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: This is beautiful. We have a guy in our unit like that.
[deleted]: What do you mean? The whole Navy is like that.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1410286404 | 1410298936 | t3_2fxfa6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking an aqua-dump
sdneidich: Please refer to sidebar rule 10.
TRWN: Wow, they have rules for everything.
But this is centered around hydrodynamics.
Ok, I will remove. Sorry.
sdneidich: No worries dude-- save it and repost on Saturday!
| 4 | 1 | |
1410287800 | 1410315078 | t3_2fxhxi | t5_2to41 | 4 | OfficialRcade: TIFU by eating very, very greasy food. [NSFW]
This happened on sunday.
So, every Sunday morning I will meet my dad (it's the only time every week I get to see him) at McDonalds, where he will buy me lunch. I usually only get a Double Cheeseburger since they are godly and small. So, I get there, gobble down said burger, chat with my dad and go on my merry way. Bear in mind that McDonalds burgers are very greasy.
Later that day, I go to meet some friends outside my local Sainsbury's. I was getting hungry by that point since I had walked there, and decided to go buy a hot sausage roll from the Bakery aisle. These are also very greasy.
Some more time passed and some of my friends thought of the idea to get Fish n Chips.We all agreed, and went to go buy some fish n chips. These are also very greasy. I also pounded down about a litre of Coca Cola.
We then decide to go to the local lake, and around the time we get there, I feel a pain in my stomach. I pass it off as nothing and keep going.
The pain didn't stop though. I kept it inside my stomach and did nothing, and eventually (after about an hour) the pain stopped. I felt better, but then I felt it move towards my anus.
There were no public toilets nearby, and i was getting desperate, so I ask my friend who lives closest to the lake if we could all go to his house. He lived about a mile away.
And so begins the walk of terror.
I was clutching my anus so hard, trying not to let my shit seep out. The walk seemed to take forever, but I made it. I got there, and headed immediately for the toilet.
So. Much. Shit.
And this wasn't regular shit. This was diarrhea standards of shit. I have never been more scared for my health than that moment on that toilet. Imagine 6 shits all at once in diarrhea form. It was nasty.
I cleaned up, wiped my ass a hundred times, sprayed some axe in the bathroom and flushed. It took more than one flush, trust me. I near enough destroyed his toilet.
I immediately headed home. I felt - and still feel - utterly disgusting.
TL:DR ate some greasy food, followed by more greasy food, followed by more greasy food, and a huge stomach ache. Went home and destroyed my friends toilet with large amounts of shit.
littlecreamsodapop: I couldnt help but think.... This is a very american accident
all_teh_bacon: Can confirm, happens all the time.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410288015 | 1410302829 | t3_2fxiae | t5_2to41 | 20 | damnpaperclips: TIFU by lighting a fire in class an electrocuting myself
Sitting through one of my business classes today in college, I was bored and started poking the object in front of me with a paper clip... Needless to say the object was a power outlet and I had the misfortune of actually stabbing it into the outlet. In the middle of a boring class, a loud crackling erupts and sparks begin to fly everywhere. I got it out just before my note cards caught on fire and burnt my hand a bit. Teacher said it reminded him of young frankenstein, and moved on
JeremyR22: You clearly didn't electrocute yourself on account of you being alive enough to post this.
aquias27: I've shockes myself from an outlet before. It wasn't that bad, it felt more like an electric fence.
JeremyR22: Shocked, sure. You didn't electrocute yourself either, though.
Electrocuted very specifically means dead.
aquias27: Fair enough.
| 5 | 4 | |
1410287399 | 1410313528 | t3_2fxh5o | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking an iced coffee
Well let me start off by saying I'm an aspiring Music Producer that's addicted to iced coffee (Iced because I live in Florida, the capital of broken A/C's when it's 100 degrees fahrenheit out). Needless to say the desk I work at is covered in old moldy starbucks cups. I went out on a coffee run this morning before getting in the zone and I picked up my normal (Caramel Iced Coffee with cream and sugar) and went back home to work. About 30 minutes in while working on a track that had me stumped, I went to take a huge gulp out of what I thought was my fresh coffee but ended up being a warm chunky soup of mold and whatever bacteria was living inside it, following that was my entire stomach of dollar menu items being emptied out all over my keyboard, reference monitors, and computer.
TL;DR: I drank a 2 week+ old Coffee leading to my puking all over my equipment.
Bakeey: The question is; why did you have an old coffee on the desk and why hadn't you drunk that ice-cold greatfulness two weeks ago?
5unbr0: Have trouble imagining how mould would grow on a liquid; is that even possible?
easilypersuadedsquid: you have a lot to learn ...
5unbr0: Stop stalking me or else.
Tim_Kaiser: You've got to give him an argument as to why he should stop stalking him. Shouldn't be too hard considering he's easily persuaded. Good luck, Praise the Sun!
5unbr0: \ [T]"/
Praise the Sun!
| 7 | 5.142857 | |
1410289042 | 1410303983 | t3_2fxk7x | t5_2to41 | 5 | NCSU_Tree_Whisperer: TIFU by eating Chipotle for dinner
So like many of these TIFUs, my story didn't actually happen today. It happened Sunday.
I was waiting for my boy who works at Chipotle to get off work so I could take him back to his house and we were gonna smoke some bowls and watch Attack on Titan as well as a few episodes of Bojack Horseman.
Of course I haven't eaten since three in the afternoon and I was hungry as fuck, so I figured I'd go in to Chipotle while he was working, see how much longer he had to work, and get myself a double shell steak quesarrito. This is where I fucked up. Not even an hour after I eat I immediately start getting cramps and feel like I've made a huge mistake.
Well he gets off work, we go to his place, smoke our bowls and watch our shows, then returned to my dorm to catch some zzz's.
All day yesterday I had terrible gas, cramps, and shits like you wouldn't believe. Instead of going to class all day I ended up going from bathroom to bathroom with class in between as opposed to going to class and the bathroom in between.
I'm finally feeling better today, but even after 24hrs I'm still feeling like shit.
Moral of the story: Chipotle is delicious but comes at a terrible price of intestinal suffering.
beat_bobby_flay: [Light a match!](http://media20.giphy.com/media/11O1XkT7plOmZ2/giphy.gif?w=320)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/PointlessSaneBluejay](http://gfycat.com/PointlessSaneBluejay)
---
^(GIF size: 1.91 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:448.76 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410289068 | 1410292448 | t3_2fxk9s | t5_2to41 | 9 | bobieses: TIFU By saying my friend's roommate looked like she was hit by a bus.
We went to visit my friend at her new University apartment and her roommate was sitting eating dinner.
When she left the room my friends commented on how good looking she was (she was a solid 9/10 - 10/10) but me being an arsehole I thought it would be funny to to disagree with them and say that it looked like she had been hit by a bus. If you were apart of my friend group that would be known as a 'classic Bobieses thing to say'.
I am just finding out today that (it happened last night) SHE FUCKING HEARD ME and not being a part of my group assumed I was being serious.
P.S. I was drunk.
TL;Dr Jokingly called extremely hot ugly thinking that she had left the room and my friends would find it funny.
Senecatwo: Psychology says she is now more attracted to you than your friends. Way to go!
bobieses: Yeah... :/
| 3 | 3 | |
1410290052 | 1410296374 | t3_2fxm3m | t5_2to41 | 16 | JimCe-_-: TIFU by making small talk with an old guy
OK so I've been going to the gym for a couple of weeks now and still getting to know people.
I'd just finished a workout and was about to get in the shower (totaly naked except for the towel around my waist).
An old guy has come in (he looked about 70) and started getting changed
Him: Nice tattoo (I've a huge angel tattoo on my back btw)
Me: oh thanks - I like yours (he had an arm tattoo)
Him: no I really meant it, it suits you
Me: Ummm, thanks
Him: It's really sexy!
Him: I bet the ladies love it
Me: O...k... W- I'm gonna get in the shower now
Him: Oh, ok, I'll join you
Me: Ummmm.............
TL;DR I made small talk to be polite to an old guy and nearly ended up sharing a shower 'prison style'
kaosdaklown: Prison style? I take it you dropped the soap, the Old guy beat your ass and raped you in the shower or vice versa?
JimCe-_-: I did say nearly!!!! Lolz
_infiniti_: Ah "nearly" so he got the tip in but never came?
| 4 | 4 | |
1410290094 | 1410290813 | t3_2fxm6i | t5_2to41 | 56 | Why_ohWhy: TIFU by not listening to age old advice.
TIFU - Tried to turn a hoe into a house wife. Fucking cheating bitch.
BigBobsBootyBarn: You can lead a horse to water but it'll suck every dick along the way
*...or something like that*
Teotwawki69: You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1410290696 | 1411073161 | t3_2fxnfc | t5_2to41 | 3 | Fargu: TIFU by getting high and playing Destiny
Not much to say. Got High. Played Destiny. Ate most of this weeks groceries. Gf mad. Sitting in the corner about to cry
Zippy1776: This is why you shouldn't smoke that stuff. I just quit a couple months ago and have pulled off impressive things since clearing my head and putting the nose back to the grindstone. This includes a new job, new car and eliminated almost every stressor in my life. Once the head is clear, the path becomes obvious. Hope this helps...
Fargu: Helps with my anxiety bruh
Zippy1776: I used that same excuse for years. I'm not here to tell you that you need to do anything, just that when you WANT to I've been there too and feel free to PM me.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410291955 | 1410446502 | t3_2fxpsy | t5_2to41 | 5 | Tbrahn: TIFU by attempting to buy Destiny...
So I'm a college student and I work a part time job for a little extra money. I get paid on Tuesdays. I didn't have the money to buy destiny but I typically receive payment at midnight so I headed off to the midnight release expecting to have $140 delivered to my account just before release. I arrived and for some reason It was delayed. I decided to buy it in the morning when gamestop opened. On my way I stopped to get gas. I used my card to purchase the gas at the pump without realizing paying for gas with debit automatically puts a $100 charge on your account regardless of how much gas you actually purchase. Having no idea this had happened I walked in to gamestop to purchase my game and when I attempted to pay the cashier informed me there was only $40on my card. I then realized what had happened. The cashier had already charged the $40 to my account though and so now I have no money in my bank account and the $100 charge from the gas station will not be updated to the correct amount until next Tuesday effectively leaving me completely broke for the next week and without destiny.
TLDR: bought gas. It overcharged my account leaving me completely broke for the next week.
Ghostofazombie: Don't ever use debit cards to buy things, use cash or a credit card. This is a perfect example of why.
Fargu: Or better yet, dont use a bank debit card.
Use a Credit Union debit card
Ghostofazombie: This is one of the stupidest things I've ever read with regards to personal finance. There is no difference between a bank debit card and a credit union debit card, in terms of the legal protections and control over your own money during these types of situations.
There are plenty of reasons to switch from a big bank to a credit union, but this is not one of them.
Fargu: Lol ok bro. Not all things are the same
Fahrowshus: the way transactions are processed, they are.
Fargu: Nope
| 7 | 0.714286 | |
1410272131 | 1410350404 | t3_2fwphs | t5_2to41 | 2 | Bill_Casbay: TIFU by using a wet Ove Glove...
Your hands will burn. I saw this on a comment but still ignored it. ouch
mr_indigo: I once thought "hey, if I moisten this tea towel it will be cooler when I pick up this hot baking tray with it.
I remembered my science degree less than a second after I grabbed that tray.
Bill_Casbay: at least you burned yourself for science? maybe?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410294041 | 1410379408 | t3_2fxtvd | t5_2to41 | 6 | Reclusiarh: TIFU By being a nice guy
Hi guys, new user here, not a native speaker so please excuse me for any mistakes, hope this is the correct subreddit for this story.
So first a little context. In my country prom is a big deal and we need to get a date at the start of senior year and we have dance lessons together all year and then there's a big parade and dance and everything sometime in april.
So all summer I was building up the courage to ask a girl from my class that I like to prom, and one week before school started I finally got the opportunity when we were both at the same party. She said she hasn't really thought about it and if she can give me my answer when school starts.
Naturally I said ok, since I liked her and didn't mind waiting. So once school started she said yes, and I was really happy to have found a date, since many of my friends hadn't yet.
But today she called me. At first I was really excited, but as soon as I answered my heart dropped into my pants. She said that a guy she likes asked her to prom and if she could dance with him instead.
Being a nice guy I instinctively said yes sure, no problem. She said she was sorry and that she would help me find someone else to dance with, but that's not really the point is it. She only asked me because she knows I'm a "nice guy" and wouldn't say no to her.
So now I have already paid for the dancing lessons and I have until friday to find another date. All my friends have dates and so do all the girls from my class, and also nobody likes being second choice, so there's that. I really don't want to go stag since this really is a big thing here and I would be made fun of, but I just don't know what to do.
Please help.
tl,dr: I asked a girl to prom, she said yes at first, but then somebody she likes asked her and she dumped me.
UPDATE : So it looks like I'm going to prom stag. I don't hold a grudge against the girl or anything, bit I'm definetly not attracted to her anymore.
Thanks for all the support guys, reddit really has an amazing community :)
TParis00ap: Ouch, my friend, I am very sorry to hear this. It sounds like she "wanted to think about it" for a week because she wanted to wait to see who else would ask. She didn't seem committed at all. You got played and she bears responsibility for her actions.
I don't know what to tell you about prom. About this girl though, I hope that this has enlightened you about some part of her personality and that has had some effect on your admiration for her.
Nice guys deserve nice girls. Find a nice girl.
878lettuces: Seems pretty harsh to blame the girl to me. She said she needed time to think about it and you can hardly blame someone for wanting to go to the prom with someone they have a crush on. Especially if she offers to help you find someone.
TParis00ap: She needed time to see if someone else would ask her. No one needs a week to think about prom. When no one did by the beginning of school, she accepted the OP's invitation so she wouldn't have to go alone. He became her backup plan. She used him. Upon finding a better suitor, she ditched the OP knowing that her commitment to him could be shrugged off because he is a 'nice guy'. I feel really bad for the OP and I don't think it is harsh at all.
But even, let's assume, she just wanted to go with someone she liked. #1, that means she doesn't like the OP and he still should find a nice girl and not be this girl's lapdog. #2, She was willing to hurt someone so she could enjoy herself. #3, she has very little character to understand what a commitment is - if she wanted to go with someone else she should have declined from the get-go. That's what people with character do.
878lettuces: OR she said yes and then got asked by someone who she really wanted to go with and asked OP if it would be OK if she did.
I feel bad for OP too it's a sucky situation but there is this weird undercurrent in the comments like she owes OP a trip to the prom and her wishes on the matter are irrelevant, god forbid she change her mind and politely inform him. How evil.
TParis00ap: You seem to think that it is morally-right that she crush someone's feelings after making a commitment just so she can enjoy herself. If your moral center is based on self-satisfaction and fulfillment, then you have a very narcissistic view on life.
| 6 | 1 | |
1410295243 | 1410717380 | t3_2fxw8u | t5_2to41 | 21 | noramacsbitch: TIFU by gifting 150 lbs of alpaca feed to squirrels
So my husband and I recently came into possession of four alpacas. We're breeding them and trying to make some money, etc, and we bought all these 50 pound bags of feed to store, because we know funds are going to be tight down the line.
We kept three bags (150 pounds) in our hay barn, which is basically a three-sided shed with a tarp covering the front opening. I should mention that these are THICK bags of feed, more like plastic than paper, like a high-quality dog food bag.
Today we went out to the pasture to transfer the feed into our storage buckets, since our current supply was low.
EVERY. GODDAMN. BAG. WAS EMPTY.
*Groundsquirrels* had tunneled up under the bags and chewed holes through them to get at the feed. I mean, there wasn't a single fucking oat left. They ate 150 POUNDS in two weeks!
So, that is how we fucked up by basically handing a very expensive buffet to some groundsquirrels.
lalalalainey: How the fuck do you just "come into possession of four alpacas"
noramacsbitch: A woman literally walked up to me while I was working at the Oregon Aquarium and just offered me some free champion alpacas. So now I have an alpaca farm.
lalalalainey: That's the best thing I've heard all week.
noramacsbitch: You too can randomly attain several camelids! Just belieeeeve!
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1410295358 | 1410420023 | t3_2fxwfy | t5_2to41 | 1,366 | Medicalproffesional: TIFU by sexting my loan manager. (Nsfw)
So this actually happend today. Busy day working at the hospital and I get some very sexy pics of my girlfriend. So I start talking dirty to her, getting her all riled up and whatnot and then continue my work. About 5 minutes later i get a text from my loan manager and received very good news that I am a homeowner. I do a lil dance and get back to work. So a little later on I decided to talk dirty to my girl again. Word for word. "Hey been thinking about you. Can't wait for you to sit on my face and lick you out" andh it send. Didnt think about who i was sending it to cause I normally just text her. Realized who i sent it to and thankfully the loan manager (a guy) was pretty cool about it. He made a comment sayin hes been out all day so his ass is pretty sweaty. FML.
Skitzic: Haha this is exactly why I triple check who I'm sending stuff to. Email, text messages, it doesn't matter. Triple check. I'm terrified I'll end up sending something unintentional to my boss or something.
djmor: I'm so happy google labs has an unsend button for those ohshit moments.
5unbr0: You what? Does this really exist?
djmor: Yeah, in gmail you can activate "beta" features by google labs. One of those is an unsend button. Rather than sending the email right away, it queues it for a certain amount of time and sends it then. While waiting, it presents you with an "unsend" button. I believe they also have a drunkmail which makes you answer fairly complex math questions late at night before sending your email. Seriously fun stuff.
abstergo_clicker: Not sure about "unsend" but the math questions would make so much sense if you ever watched "The Internship" with Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson. I'd like to know who had the idea first.
arsci991: Google came out with it way before the movie.
ICriticizeYou: But you don't know how long the movie was in development.
arsci991: Google did not take that from a movie in development. Gmail has had that feature for years.
| 9 | 151.777778 | |
1410295821 | 1410296416 | t3_2fxxcu | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a male customer, who bought a female customer a drink, that she wasn't interested because she was married.
Not today, but recently. When I brought the drink over to her and her girlfriends, she didn't look impressed. Usually they let me know to say thank you, or to buy a round back, but she just stared at her friends. I noticed her ring, and so I just made my own excuse up for her, and let the guy know she says thanks, but is married. Anyway, I tell her what I told him, and she gets mad at me, asking why I would ever do that. Turns out her fiance died only a month or so prior. Now I feel like an asshole, no way I could have known, but still.
So she decided to talk to the guy and apologize to him for my mistake I guess, turns out his GF had passed away about a year ago. Go figure! These 2 end up having a very deep conversation for over an hour, tears included. The guy's buddy just sat at the table on his phone not sure what to do. It was pretty awkward.
_infiniti_: If anything you just helped them out you little cupid, you. :)
[deleted]: I should note, they did not get together. They chatted then went their separate ways.
_infiniti_: Atleast they shared a precious little moment lol
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1410294621 | 1410355284 | t3_2fxuzx | t5_2to41 | 120 | 24islife: TIFU by browsing "porn" at school
So it's third period and I'm surfing Reddit. I click on a post of the weirdest pictures people have on their computer. I click on this not knowing what it was.. http://i.imgur.com/e9CzoMQ.jpg so basically the teacher see's it on her computer while watching me and tells me to log off. She obviously writes me up to the principal. So the next day I'm in class and I get called down. So in the principals office I had to explain that I wasn't viewing porn at school, and that imgur isn't a porn website. He then calls my mom (I mean I didn't know i was still in middle school when I do something wrong they call my mommy) I get the option to either get suspended for one day or do some stupid ass digital drivers license test on the computer which is two hours (fuck me). Still funny as shit though.
[deleted]: That was so weird....where did you find that.....
spencer707201: one of those weird porn sub reddits.
but which one op?
24islife: No no, it was on the main newsfeed thing. Go to ask reddit and it's like "what's the weirdest picture you have on your computer". Definitely not clicking shit like that anymore.
BUMBLEORE_BUMS_HARRY: Main newsfeed thing isn't probably the best way to go whilst at school. You should stick to safe subreddits like /r/spacedicks
gmaster32: Im with this guy, /r/spacedicks is the most child friendly subreddit out there.
| 6 | 20 | |
1410289385 | 1410298210 | t3_2fxktq | t5_2to41 | 7 | JamRel: TIFU by Failing 4 exams and telling my mum i only had 1 to do.
So to start i need to explain the Irish College system. I got a grant paying for my tuition for 2 out of 6 semesters. I needed to pass all 6 classes to go into my 3rd semester and 2nd year but long story sort i partied too hard the first semester and failed 4 classes and was too depressed to study all summer for the repeats. I told her i only failed 1 and would cost €200 but i failed 4, €800.
So im screwed and think i will take a year out, get a job, and help pay myself.
Update: She saw how upset i was about it and thinks a year out would be a great idea so i think im going to Australia to work thanks to an invite by my aunt.
culhanetyl425: well you can look at it this way if you were us the same amount of classes would cost you around 6200 euros
JamRel: Yeah true but i wish it would cost nothing if i past
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410296313 | 1410336242 | t3_2fxy97 | t5_2to41 | 85 | [deleted]: TIFU By having sex with my lesbian friend (nsfw)
Today I Fucked Up. My friend is a lesbian (18f and butch) and me (18m and moderately masculine) had sex. Like really good sex.
We were at my house just watching some tv when she broke out some whiskey, which being very smart teenagers trained by years of schooling to say "no", promptly enjoyed with abandon. From what I mostly remember it we were both rather drunk rather quick and I was telling her that she was beautiful and she was trying not to puke from the whiskey (romantic I know). Well after about half an hour of serenading her with praises she leaned in and kissed me, honestly I tasted was whiskey but I didn't care much. One thing led to another and it ended up with her face first into the couch and me nailing her bum.
Well now, about a week after, we still kind of awkwardly talk to each other but we both try to keep it short. I know we'll get over it eventually but holy hell was this a fuck up.
listerinefreak: Doesn't matter had sex.
CrystalGlassDoll: She put a bag on my head!
Lakonthegreat: Still counts!
| 4 | 21.25 | |
1410296924 | 1410337079 | t3_2fxzgv | t5_2to41 | 116 | [deleted]: TIFU by ripping a blanket off of a couple having sex, thinking it was a dead body, and then running away screaming.
I was going for a run at around 11:00PM, and on my normal loop I pass by the high school. There's a section at the end of the parking lot where the streetlights don't reach, and just as I run adjacent to this spot I see a creepy rusted-out old Suburban parked sideways in a space.
I slow my pace a bit and strain my eyes in the darkness, and my heart leaps into my throat. A few feet in front of the rusty old SUV sits a blanket sprawled across the grass at the end of the parking lot. My eyes do not deceive me. There is a human shape under this blanket and it is not moving.
I have seen enough horror movies and played enough Fatal Frame in my day to recognize this shape. I am almost walking now, darting my gaze between the blanket and my surroundings, looking for the driver of the SUV.
I just know it is a dead body, and in my mind I work out a plan that if it is, I will sprint to the local fire station a block away and wake up the firemen. I didn't have a phone on me. In the dark, running around without a phone or a weapon and suddenly faced with a possible corpse (and a possible killer), I can feel the adrenaline pumping in my ears.
I walk up to the blanket, looking around for a crazy guy with a knife in the bushes all the while.
"Excuse me," I say authoritatively. "Is somebody there?"
There is no response from the blanket.
"Hello," I say again. "Is somebody under that blanket?"
Silence.
I run up and throw off the covers and am met with screams. The screams of two naked ~18-20 year olds seemingly having sex under the blanket.
**"OH GOD I'M SO SORRY AHHHH I'M SORRY,"** I scream back at them, and take off sprinting like a madman in the other direction.
I'm not going to let this cut into my run so I finish my lap and the SUV is gone. In hindsight, I should have just gone home in case they called the cops and reported some creeper throwing blankets off of them while they were "hugging."
*(I think about it now and realize that they might have been thinking I was a cop or a creeper with my "Excuse me, is anyone there," and decided not to move. Regardless, I felt bad.)*
**tl;dr:** jogger cockblocked a dead (?) body
edding3300: Are you male or female? I need that information to accurately reconstruct that scene's scream in my mind.
blackgift: 0->
edding3300: k, thanks. so I'll make it more of an "AAAARGH" than a shriek.
hilly_wa: My brother is a huge burly manly man beast, but he screams like a little bitch baby. His screams are more high pitched than mine, and since he screams often because he happens to be terrified of bugs (all bugs, even ladybugs), I always imagine guys screaming like little bitch babies now.
| 5 | 23.2 | |
1410297503 | 1410324116 | t3_2fy0is | t5_2to41 | 43 | YesItIsMaybeMe: TIFU by Rudely Shooting Down a Creeper (NSFW)
I was walking to third period today. Of course some random creeper I have never met before walks up to me and says, "Mmmm, that's a nice ass you got there." I probably have a WTF face on, and in all my brilliance replied, "If you think that's impressive, you should see my dick, it HUGE!" He looked at me like I had a third eye. Then walked away. Really fast.
I felt victorious before realizing that the same kid sits next to me. In every class. Damn I really fucked up.
Fricking mouth of mine just keeps on going.....
dvsmoi6: I think you over reacted. Alot of wemon expect guys to make the first move... then they like to get creative when they shot is down which isn't cool. You could've told him that your not interested and that that is a really unflattering affiliation... I think that would've made him a better man, instead he probably went home and checked put tranny porn... You made him gay,.you therefore hate baby Jesus
YesItIsMaybeMe: That's deep.
5unbr0: Not as deep as... [penis joke+op'ass reference+originality]
Edit: it hit me;
.
.
**That's what he said**
YesItIsMaybeMe: You have recieved:
Respect × 30
Edit: extra respect earned.
Edit:....... again. ^same as above.
5unbr0: Cool, can I trade that for a stuffed animal or a hot dog?
YesItIsMaybeMe: Sure my class neighbor would be happy to "give you a hot dog"
:)
5unbr0: I forgot, I'm vegetarian, no meat for me thankyouverymuch. I'll still take the cuddly plushie though.
Edit: woah extra respect :D
YesItIsMaybeMe: How do you forget your a vegitarian?
That's like my friend who said that she was going vegitarian for her New Years Resolution. The same weekend she came to my house and are extra meaty chili. O.o
5unbr0: > my friend [...] came to my house and ate extra meaty chili.
Is that what you call yours? ;)
YesItIsMaybeMe: I accept defeat. But this is not over yet....
5unbr0: You *came*, you saw, **I** conquered.
YesItIsMaybeMe: Until I spring the trap!
This is getting so off- topic. Lol.
5unbr0: I'll make this easier for you, I'm free Saturday night.
YesItIsMaybeMe: ..........
...................
...........
Me: *blows whistle*
:)
5unbr0: You're a good blower ;P
YesItIsMaybeMe: That's not me.....
And if that's not me, then this is not you. *Who am I blowing?!*
Answer: Plot twist- my phone
NeverHadChikFilA: but then who was phone?
YesItIsMaybeMe: I was blowing my phone. And I didn't know it. My phone is a ninja!
-I am so random when I'm tired.
Edit: forgot to add:
I love ur uusername! But is it true?
NeverHadChikFilA: It's true. There is no Chik-Fil-A's within 3 hours of me.
YesItIsMaybeMe: Wow. I used to have that proble too. Then, earlier this year, they built one really close to me. And a Chipotle. I am so blessed by fast food :)
NeverHadChikFilA: oh sweet baby Chipotle, that restaurant is better than life itself
YesItIsMaybeMe: One of my all time favorites.
| 23 | 1.869565 | |
1410297834 | 1410384825 | t3_2fy16z | t5_2to41 | 40 | rowingisatrap: TIFU by teaching AP Chemistry students about midget porn
So I go to a pretty nice private school in a sorta small town, and most people in the school know each other by name because it's so small (like 200 per grade with grades 9-12, which is pretty small compared to other schools). Tuition is pretty high so now the school made everyone rent ipads and we use them in class. The school isn't stupid as it installed a lot of measures to keep us from going on porn and what not. However reddit wasn't blocked, and I decided to browse some r/midgetporn. Apparently, the teachers had a secret tool where they can lock our ipads and project any ipad they want onto our big screen for the class. My teacher sees me clicking and moving a lot more than I should, and without checking what I have, puts my screen on the smart board (our big giant screen) and locks my ipad. There, in all of their nasty naked stature, are a bunch of midgets just destroying the midget girl in the middle. Like, it looks like they pounded her as they'd pound a piece of meat for preparation. I've never seen so many looks of disgust on teenagers as I have now. I got sent home for the day, and I came back today and my new nickname is MidgetLover.
TL; DR I didn't know that my ipad could be broadcasted on our class's board and I showed everyone a midget gangbang.
dvsmoi6: I guess you fell shorter then expected
adamcel6: His classmates don't think very highly of him anymore.
CaptAhabsMobyDick: teacher probably got mad, I heard he has a short temper
REPOsPuNKy: I knew they would be here! All hail the puns!
| 5 | 8 | |
1410298434 | 1410299178 | t3_2fy28e | t5_2to41 | 4 | Throwaway1212135: TIFU by being retarded in front of a hot girl I like
[deleted]: First of all, have you even started packing your bags? A sane individual would be half way around the world by now with a brand new identity.
Throwaway1212135: Yeah I have my passport ready as well as my clothing. I was thinking of heading to the West Indies and changing my name to Red Fighting Cobra. Think that'll work?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410297970 | 1410345956 | t3_2fy1fp | t5_2to41 | 57 | Death-Cab: TIFU finding out that i destroyed 2 iMacs during the summer holidays
So basically i'm in a Media class, in which we all use iMacs daily. My school year (UK) finishes in late July and starts again at the beginning of Septmber.
The last project that we were tasked was to create an animation. My friend decided to create his using plasticine.
So here's where I fucked up.
Basically, I decided it would be funny to leave a message made out of plasticine (the message was an inside joke) on the back of two of my friend's iMacs.
These iMacs were released in 2012, they're lovely and incredibly expensive.
Well, me being the retard that I am forgot to take off the plasticine before the end of the school year…
Apparently the plasticine melted into the iMac's and completely destroyed the hardware inside, beyond repair. Culprit is yet to come forth.
[deleted]: Don't worry about them tracking your IP, they use Imacs.
5unbr0: Don't worry about them investigating, they use iMacs and are *therefore* stupid and gullible.
[deleted]: This guy gets it.
5unbr0: >Inb4 downvote apple brigade
[deleted]: They know how to use a mouse?
5unbr0: *Why would you even need a mouse when you can scroll with your hand on your iPad*
| 7 | 8.142857 | |
1410298883 | 1410300952 | t3_2fy2zh | t5_2to41 | 62 | Dassssit: TIFU, by returning an iPad.
Today, I fucked up. This just happened. It goes to show that no good deed goes unpunished ... literally.
So just a few moments ago, I was at my school's computer lab. I noticed somebody left their iPad by the computer I was sitting at. Obviously, I did nothing. I figured I'd look after it, in a way, until the owner came back. 30 minutes go by and I have to go to class. What do I do? Leave it? No. Somebody is bound to steal it. I take it. I leave the lab, go down to the first floor and before handing it over to the security guard at his desk (I've had bad experiences in the past with security guards and their less than honest ways), I sit down and open it up. Let me see if there's any information or pictures so I can figure out who it is. I'm in a school and it shouldn't be so hard? Stupid mistake. Nothing. It's in Korean. No idea who that is. Fuck it. I have class. I hand it over to the officer.
What does he do? Ask me for all of my personal information and tells me to wait for the cops to show up?! I'm freaking out. I'm not going to get expelled or be in trouble with the law for trying to be nice! I give him the wrong address, right phone number. Not that it matters, he asked for my school ID and jot everything down. I tell him I have class, tell him I found it at the 4th floor lounge instead of the 4th floor computer lab (idk why?! I wanted to separate myself from the situation as much as possible and I freaked) and went to class. As I'm leaving, away from the security guard's view, I see the owner walk up to him and tell him he lost an ipad!
I can't hear them. He's still there. I got a bit closer and overheard "pressing charges" and now I feel like I'm going to get arrested for trying to do a good deed. Shit...
TL,DR: returned a left-behind iPad, owner is pressing charges against me, probably thinking I stole it.
Landredr: What kind of pro thief brings their booty to a security guard. An unemployed one.
YesItIsMaybeMe: Good point. The kind that's hardcore.
"Yeah! I stole ur iPad! Now I don't have to pay for one."
5 minutes later your like, " I guess it's time return it"
If I was a thief that would be my logic....
Landredr: Hey dude I just swiped your iPad now what oh hi officer.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1410295870 | 1410316091 | t3_2fxxgk | t5_2to41 | 11 | Holy70sBatman: TIFU... By watching porn in class, NSFW...
So I am 26 year old male and am still trying to finish a degree in history. And being that I live alone and all my girlfriends end up being lesbians at some point, I get to spends loads of time by myself. And because of all of these things, I have fallen into a routine where I wake up in the mornings, exercise, and then watch a little porn, rub one out, then head to class... Well on this particular morning I was running a bit late but was still dead set on my morning ritual, and so I quickly showered after exercise and then arranged myself on my couch and turned on a little porn via my phone. (I don't have a computer... For various reasons unrelated to the story). About 10 minutes later I realized I was indeed late as fuck so I jumped up, dressed, and ran for the door. As I was locking the door, I realized I had left my phone and wallet inside. So I ran in quickly, grabbed both and then drove like a maniac, and barely was able to park, then run across campus, and make into the class room before the professor locked the door. I decided as I was sitting down to make sure phone was on silent, as this particular professor hates phones going off in class, so I pulled my phone out of my pocket and clicked the on button and began to turn down the volume but as I clicked the down button I realized there was some very loud and very erotic sex noises coming from my phone, and as I looked down I realized that the porn I was watching was still cued to my phone screen and that as I jumped up to get dressed I didn't close my web browser, just paused the video and then turned off my phone. So, yeah, everybody in that class got to watch some bimbo get railed by a foot long dong, on my phone, during class....
YesItIsMaybeMe: Once, I was in class and there was a substitute. We were watching a movie. Then I realize that there are sex noises coming from in front of me. The kid accidentally turned the volume on max. I laughed my ass off...
Holy70sBatman: I wish I was that bold man, but no... Sadly I'm a pussy
5unbr0: >Sadly I'm a pussy
How can you even be surprised that all your exes are lesbians if you specifically are what they look for in a relationship?
Holy70sBatman: Obviously my intended sarcasm was not apparent enough. I apologize sir, and will endeavor to correct this grievous oversight in the future...
5unbr0: Mhm *-nods-* Good, yes.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1410298827 | 1410441329 | t3_2fy2wa | t5_2to41 | 153 | TheRealCharAznable: TIFU by skipping my heart meds. NSFW
This is my first post on Reddit, so I'm sorry if I do anything wrong.
Due to a heart condition I'm required to take medication to slow my heart down and lower my blood pressure, due to this it acts as an unintentional depressant. So when I miss my meds I am highly active and excitable.
I just started in a new school last week, and on Fridays we are allowed to eat upstairs in desks. So last week on Friday I was eating lunch with the people who's desks were in my vicinity. Now one of my new friends decided to bring her friends along, she wasn't that hot, but were friends were smoking hot. One of them sat on top of a desk right ahead of me and begun talking to me, boy was I in for a treat.
Now, my friends call me the anti-womanizer because I have the social skills of an autistic turtle but somehow I attract girls and not realize it. Thus ruining the fun for everyone. I didn't know exactly what I was doing, but somehow I managed to hit it off. My teenage hormones were racing and before long, she had managed to unsheathe my saber. By that I mean, I BEGAN TO HAVE A RAGING ERECTION!
I began panicking profusely and the excitement made it much worse. It wasn't long before she would notice it, SO I HAD TO THINK FAST! I remembered a post on Reddit about flexing your legs to draw blood from your erection into your muscles. But the idiot that I am confused flexing with stretching and only did it with one leg.
At this point she began to notice I was acting strange so she asked me "What are you doing?" To which I responded "I have a cramp.", WHICH WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA, BECAUSE NOW SHE PULLS OUT A BANANA OUT OF HER LUNCH BAG SAYING "Here, have this you need some potassium," AND PROCEEDS TO WALK OVER TO ME!
At that point I was engaging full panic mode making it even worse and painful. I tried to tell her "no thanks", but panicked me jump out of my seat to tell her with jazz hands and all. IN THE PROCESS I OBLITERATED MY NETHER REGIONS ONTO MY DESK. I played it cool, but inside I was crying.
TL;DR: A girl tried to give me a banana, smashed a different banana onto my desk.
Update: I just back from school and haven't checked this post since last night. But here's the break down, yes I did get her number,but every time I see her I am reminded of awkwardness and pain, and also someone has beat me to her. However I did meet another girl who shares the same interests as me, so hopefully that doesn't go south.
BlknTan99: Damn man I'm just saying if there is can someone link this to cringe posts/pics or whatever it is. I feel like that last sentence is cringe worthy.
TheRealCharAznable: I wish I was lying, but sadly no. It's still better than a girl seeing your pants tent though.
BlknTan99: I know them feels I spend about 90% of my school time trying to hide my erection :( what are you I'm a sophmore
TheRealCharAznable: Im a junior
BlknTan99: We'll then, just wondering (if you don't mind) what's happened since then with the friends and the girls etc?
| 6 | 25.5 | |
1410299201 | 1410299733 | t3_2fy3ht | t5_2to41 | 2 | Muscular_jerkoff: TIFU by jerking off in the gym.
bthefreeman: Man, you really did fuck up on a minor scale. Look on the bright side, at least they refunded the September fees and didn't tie you into a year long contract that you'd have had to otherwise pay. Also, you didn't shit yourself in front of the nice lady. That's always a bonus.
Muscular_jerkoff: was small local gym, you pay 3months at time. thank you for support,
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410301474 | 1410365311 | t3_2fy7pa | t5_2to41 | 5,952 | [deleted]: TIFU by starting a war with my neighbor.
We have the antichrist as a neighbor. She has called child services on this perfectly nice family multiple times. She complains to my cousin about letting his mentally handicapped child play outside. Any toy that the neighborhood kids loose in her yard is gone forever, and no, she doesn't have a fence. She gets off of her porch and comes down into her yard and takes the toys and breaks them. She truly harasses our entire neighborhood.
A few weeks ago, some of the teenagers in our suburb blew up her mailbox with what I assume was a rudimentary IED. They did a damn good job of it, because there was nothing left of it the next day, and nobody really heard a loud bang. The mailbox was just scattered in every direction and partially melted.
After this happened, she freaked out more than usual. She decided that she needed better visibility in her yard to "see the evil ones", so she cut down every tree in her yard. She calls everyone in a fairly large neighborhood every day to ask if they terrorized her yard. She's flipped so much that most parents won't even let their kids outside of their house, let alone walk to their friends houses.
One of her recent decisions was to put custom "No Parking" signs in front of her house. She claims it's illegal to park in front of mailboxes, and threatens to call her son, who is a dick of a cop and will try to find some sort of violation on your part. This would have been no big deal, except for the fact that I live in an apartment across the street, and I literally have no driveway, and it's only legal to park on her side of the street.
The other night, it was really late, and since all other spots were taken, I parked with my bumper in her no parking zone. I woke up the next morning to a call from my cousin, and he said that I was getting a ticket. I rush outside to see her son walking away from my car, with a ticket on the windshield. I was 2 inches farther out than I was supposed to be. 2 freaking inches.
Instead of fighting the ticket, it was only 20 bucks, I decided that two could play at her game. Someone, not saying it was me, bought around 40 matchbox cars. One day after she left to go to her weekly exorcism er church service, someone, again, not necessarily me, glued all of these toy cars in front of her house in her no parking zone. Whoever it was used the good glue too, not some cheap adhesive that would come up easily.
She came home, and thought these were some happy little 10 year old's toy cars, so she went outside with a garbage bag to throw them all out. Watching her try and try to pick them up was one of the most satisfying things I have ever seen, even if it did only last 5 minutes. She called her son, who took a shovel to them, and did a number to the road getting them up. The big homeschooled family in our neighborhood all went outside to watch from the safety of their porch. One of the kids actually taped her screaming at her son to get them up. I hope to get that video soon. They went inside after she started screaming at them.
After the damage had been done to her road, she tried to deduce who would do such a thing to her. Eventually, she decided that I did it, since she had been nastiest to me lately. She began by posting "police notices" on my door that said "we know you did it" and "you are guilty". She went as far as to make a fake court notice. And yes, it was fake, I checked.
My boss gave us today off because we reached our monthly quota really early and she's awesome like that, so I planned on spending the day relaxing, catching up on some Grand Theft Auto. Crazy Lady saw my car in my cousin's driveway (I've been parking their for safety) and decide that today was the day she was going to act. She walked over to my apartment's door with a lawn chair, and sat down in front of it. She called me multiple times to explain that she knew it was me, and that I wasn't allowed to leave my house until I confessed. Normally this wouldn't phase me, but despite her age, satan flows though this woman and she is very capable of inflicting harm upon me. I would call the police, but I'm worried her son would respond and not do a thing about it. My floor is the second floor, so jumping out would be a conceivable option, but I'm in a sling right now because of a skateboarding accident.
So I'm stuck in my apartment with no escape, being tormented with phone calls by my psychotic neighbor who will not let me out. I cannot call the police, and I am out of milk. Any way I try to get this woman away from my door will result in her either suing me or pressing charges against me. I'm a prisoner in my own man cave. And that is how I fucked up.
Update: As of 8:52 pm, she has retreated back to her lair. I'm going to make sure she doesn't see me slip out, then spend the night at my cousins a few doors down. I'm then going to set up a video camera at his house and I'm recording all of my phone calls. Hopefully she repeats this behavior tomorrow.
Update: As of 9:09 pm, I am safely at my cousins house. I left the lights on so she'll think I'm home, and I'll use my phone to turn on some music in the house tomorrow. My boss gave me another day off, so I'm going to watch all day.
Update: Who took the lids off of her garbage cans? It certainly wasn't me!! Oh well, at least our local raccoon population will eat well tonight.
Update/edit: She appears to have gone to bed so she can be up early to make sure the neighborhood kids don't step in her yard while walking to school. I also believe that the amount of rodent activity on our street is slowly increasing. I know a lot of you have said to call the police, and I know I should. However, after discussing it with my cousin and phoning a couple more neighbors, we decided it's best just to let her go. If we call the police, they aren't really going to do anything other than tell her to stop. I'm too poor to be able to afford a lawyer or to go to court, and she's not worth that amount of effort or money. While she has cost the neighbors lots of toys and outdoor time, and me my Destiny fund, I'd rather make her life as close to hell as I can imagine as opposed to taking legal action. No punishment from our legal system would do this woman justice.
Update: Landlord returned my call around 10:20pm, he says he's had a past of dealing with her. He's a strict Catholic and she's some sort of anabaptist, and evidently she came over and broke his statue of the Virgin Mary and his one of Saint Francis. He says she's been told not to set foot on his property again, and will deal with her when he gets home from vacation. I told him to not worry about, I hope I didn't ruin his vacation. Anyways, he'll be gone for the 5 more days, so until then, I'm going to keep pranking this lady in any fun and safe way I can.
Update: As of 6:08am, she has risen from depths of her house and is gazing at the street. Today I watch for her to retaliate. Upon her retaliation will my iron fist come down with Old Testament fury.
Update: As of 6:45am, the kids are safely on the bus. No problems this morning. She has returned to her home where I believe she is watching the mean streets of my suburb from her bedroom window. I have a camera ready in case she emerges from the depths.
Update: 8:06am, my cousin leaves for work around 9, so I'm leaving to go get breakfast for him and his wife for letting me crash at their place. Upon my return, I will take some pictures of her latest "No Parking" Sign, create an Imgur account, and post them. Just as a pre warning, I will be taking these photos from some distance. I will snap until I get one that can be read. I apologize now for the potato quality to come.
Edits from reading the comments: Thanks for the tips guys!! I read the local parking laws and checked to make sure what she did was illegal with the parking signs. Needless to say, many of you have great ideas for harmless comedic revenge. I promise to keep posting with photos the next time she does something to me, my neighbors, or my house. In the meantime, I will ponder on more harmless revenge tactics.
Mobile Update: As of 9:00 am, I received a text from my cousins wife. Apparently shes out in her yard mowing, so I wont be able to return for another hour.
Update: I'm home as of 12:13pm. Nothing crazy has happened yet. She sits, ever vigilant upon her wicker throne. Only two missed calls from her today. Once again, she phoned all of our near neighbors about the mailbox. I have a picture of her no parking sign, and I will post it as soon as I am finished editing all location information out of it. Conversing with another neighbor, he had a darwin fish on his car when he first moved here, now it's gone. He suspects it was her that removed it. I have to go back to my house to get my stuff for work at some point. While there isn't much, my movement is impeded by my cast. I'm going to try to get my stuff at the same time the school kids come by and there's more people outside. Wish me luck!!
Edit: For those saying that she has a legitimate medical problem, I assure you, she does not. She has been nasty her entire life from what I've been told. Other neighbors have tried being nice to her, the homeschooled family even invited her to dinner, which she promptly refused because they were "Mary worshiping demons." This family is one of the nicest I have ever met. They routinely give me food and invite me over to do stuff at their house, even when they didn't know me that well when I first moved in. This family isn't even Catholic either, I'm pretty sure they're part of a separatist Mormon group, but I could be mistaken. Regardless, their kindness did not work on Satan, and she called child servies one time, claiming that the parents were giving their kids alcohol. Child services showed up, the family let them search, and surprise, surprise, they didn't find a drop of liquor in a Mormon family's house. If I so much as thought for a moment that this woman was mentally disabled in any way, shape, or form, I wouldn't do anything to her, but she is simply innately evil.
Update: As of 8:15pm, all that was lost today was my time. I think she knows she screwed up, and won't retaliate today. I've decided to go back to my apartment. I will post the imgur album from there. Thanks for bearing with me everyone!! Oh, and for those that said I should write a script for a show revolving around this lady, I have. I scripted 2 full episodes of it for a writing class, but didn't submit them because I thought they weren't very good. They're written in the exact style this entire post was, so apparently someone in this world will like them. If I get the nerve, I'll upload one of them and post a link to it here.
Update: As of 10:05am, she has called me twice. She held a cross up at the door when I drove past, and she yelled at some kids for cutting through the corner of her yard. Just a normal day for the time being.
Update: I'm very sorry for being so late with this, I know I've gained a lot of skepticism because of it. Here is the photo of her sign. Once again, I apologize for my lateness and the blurriness of the image. I'm in a cast, give me a break.
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/oeLyu8r)
Edit: There are three more of these signs, just like that one. This one is on a telephone pole about 6 feet from her new mailbox.
Edit: I'm sorry I've been away for a while. Life cae between me and reddit. As a neighborhood, we decided to have an independent investigator observe her for a day to record her various actions against all of us. We all also recorded her phone calls and recorded anything we saw to compare with the P.I.
In total, the entire neighborhood of about 40 houses received a total of 204 calls from her in a day. She was taped taking a football from a group of kids, she was taped posting fake notices on my door again, and her son, the cop, was taped sleeping in front of his mother's house while on the job. We are trying to use all of this as evidence to get her with harassment charges and forced to move from our neighborhood. The dad of the homeschoolers brother is a lawyer and is taking care of all of the legal matters. I'm out of my cast, and I just bought Destiny. I will post the videos if I'm ever legally allowed to.
Thanks for the gold, and thank you guys for reading!!
Update: We lost our case. There is a for sale sign in my yard. The landlord is selling the place. I'm moving to a nicer apartment. The neighborhood kids stole her new mailbox. Numerous mystery pizzas have been delivered to her house. I may have my buddy come over with his old monk costume and act like he's performing an exorcism on her house. I'll post a video if he does.
Highside79: Her son being a cop can work to your advantage. Keep making police reports of her behavior, harrassment etc. It *will* get around that his mother is nucking futs and he might do something about it out of embarassment.
fucking_web_dev: This should be higher up. Def call the cops and demand a different officer since it involves his mother. Make sure you follow up and get a copy of the report to make sure it was done.
ctueddie: Please do. They shouldn't be sending him to respond anyways, this is a conflict of interest.
UnreachablePaul: What if that woman was a cop breeder?
RoXaSMasters: what's a cop breeder?
Edit: I don't know who felt the need to downvote this, but I'm not a native speaker and really don't know what it means.....
mihor: Yea, is that like a pig farmer or smth?
RoXaSMasters: Are you mocking me?
simulacraddison: Lol, chill bro. He wasn't mocking you. He was agreeing that "cop breeder" is a puzzling term.
RoXaSMasters: Allrighty then
PolishHammerMK: OINK OINK
| 11 | 541.090909 | |
1410302363 | 1410403123 | t3_2fy964 | t5_2to41 | 7 | chickenfuk: TIFU by peeing in a stairway
Like many stories here, this happened years ago.
Back in the day when I attended summer school for SAT's I'd usually hold my piss for until class ended. But for some odd reason, the fucktard of an instructor held us in until the school itself closed, and I was left with what felt like a gallon of piss. the summer school was located in the eighth floor of a building, and I went down to the first to ask the security for the public bathroom key. He said he didn't have one, which I knew was complete bullshit, so I said Fuck it and waited for my ride back home outside. Traffic was really bad that day, so the stream just wanted to let loose. So and behold, there was a stairway that led to the parking lot downstairs to a parking lot with one of those water drains. I hold that door to the parking lot shut, and released the waterfall. I couldn't stop and I knew some bad shit was imminent. And of course, the Mexican security guard that lied to mr comes out and says 'Ey muddy fuker, that shits illegal, wait here for me to call the cops". AS IF. I sprinted all the way home (probably a good 2 miles) and had pants semi drenched in piss. My pops couldn't stop laughing and my mom nearly killed me. After that day, I never went back to the after school.
TL;DR: there was no bathroom so I pissed in a stairway. Security told me to wait so he can call the cops, I booked it, and made a memory that makes me LOL every time I think of it
5unbr0: >'Ey muddy fuker, that shits illegal'
all_teh_bacon: Words to live by
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410302266 | 1410534108 | t3_2fy90l | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being attracted to my so's friend
Long story shorter but not as short as it was before I reread it. We've been friends for a few years through my boyfriend and other mutual friends. I've had a crush on him for some time and have successfully told myself otherwise until....
This weekend we went on quite the 'E'xperience and hung out for a few days (4 of us in me and my bf's apt). We talked a lot and spent a lot of time together. He listened to my drug induced babbles wonderfully :). Saturday, we were sleeping on the couch (sectional) and our heads were pointing the same direction near the corner and our hands touched and we ended up holding hands until we got up. Pretty much until I drove him and a friend home today, we'd find a way to hold hands touch feet under the blankets. Being around him made me feel so clam and soothed I really liked holding his hand.
No consequences came of it except for that I feel SO guilty and now also confused since this person seems to have some attraction to me too.
It was something very innocent but also meaningful (to me anyways) . I'm not sure where to go from here. Ignore it? pursue it? talk to my so? break up and wait a while ( so and I have been having issues for some time now but are trying to make something work)? talk to this person?.. we haven't talk about it. He's quiet- so honestly, I don't want to do anything since I don't really know how he feels and I don't want anyone to get hurt or lose friends. Which seems like it will happen in time, regardless..
I'm just not sure what to do with my feelings in a perfect world, I'd like to have my cake and eat it too. ei both. I don't post. ever... but don't really know who I can talk to since we are all in the same circle of friends.
RANT OVER- THANKS INTERNET!
Edit: removed and in from "(4 of us in in me and my bf's apt)"
nateabcdefg: Are you fucking 13 or something? I hope your boyfriend leaves you for an ugly bitch.
[deleted]: But, wouldn't that suck more for him and the ugly? How at all would that be hurtful to me? I feel like it would be great for my self esteem!
nateabcdefg: And you're manipulative! Just let the thread die for everyone's sake. Ugly bitches be loyal lmao.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410304013 | 1413344166 | t3_2fyc64 | t5_2to41 | 11 | writeintherain: TIFU by browsing Craigslist Casual Encounters at work
So, I get sent all over the place for work, and whenever I go someplace new, I like to get a feel for how crazy folks are where I'm going. Trust me, it's a good guide. My phone is connected to the office's wi-fi because I was downloading app updates. Forgetting to switch it back to the security of my 4G network, I browse away. After I close the app, I INSTANTLY FUCKING REALIZE that I may have fucked up big time.
Here's hoping no one in my very small company is monitoring web traffic, let alone willing to trace it back to the culprit.
JayzusCrust: Serious question...may be really obvious to some, should I be aware that there is someone within the walls of a business I am at (not just work) that can monitor my internet usage while connected to their wifi with a personal device? I didn't think this was that easy and considered unethical/illegal.
Silverlight42: It's super easy to do and I guarantee most places log all traffic like this (larger they are, the more corporate they are, the more likely it is).
Usually they'll have a proxy like my work, they run squid.. and that'll log every http:// your browser looks at.
Now because my company has a TON of people worldwide that go through this, it's impractical to ever look at it unless necessary for internal investigation or criminal activity/police warrant/etc....
Totally fine for work to look at the sites you're going to if they wanted though. It's even in my contract. There's no expectation of privacy when their computers/systems are involved.
JayzusCrust: Just logged in after posting this. Thanks for your response! Always heard "you're fine on a personal device, just watch your shit on company computers" but then again what of any privacy applies anymore...
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1410304160 | 1410473470 | t3_2fycdr | t5_2to41 | 11 | Ryanjarrad: TIFU by urinating in my girlfriends parents bedroom and not knowing a thing about it
rhgla: Time for AA. seriously, only alcoholics black out.
Ryanjarrad: It was the magic cigar that made me black out.
rhgla: Not likely, honestly. Stop into an AA meeting. I don't drink but I did go with a family member for a while. Eye opening!
Ryanjarrad: I rarely drink, like once a month if that. Beer + draw = Your on the floor.
rhgla: Beer + Blackout = Alcoholic is all I'm sayin.
Ryanjarrad: Sorry man I'm gonna end this thread now, you are such a dumbass I can't bear to talk to you anymore.
rhgla: That's okay man. One day after you get the help you need you'll be back to thank me.
Ryanjarrad: Haha nice one dude. I'll be sure to think about how dependant I am on alcohol. For me alcohol = Life.
rhgla: See, admitting you have a problem is the first step in the process. This wasn't a total waste then!
Ryanjarrad: Jesus is speaking through you to help me, the world is so much clearer to me now.
rhgla: Actually it was purely common sense but, whatever floats your boat.
| 12 | 0.916667 | |
1410305293 | 1410385541 | t3_2fyeg4 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Snazzlo: TIFU by attempting to enjoy a jawbreaker.
Today, I took my little cousins to a theme park about construction equipment. After a few hours, they had been on all of the rides and so we decided it was time to head back home. Now, because the park is geared toward little kids, to exit the park you are forced to walk through the gift shop with all kinds of toys and candy. So of course, they wanted to buy some candy which I allowed them to. After they picked out their candy, I decided to get a little something for myself. I decided on a rather large jawbreaker so I could have some candy while on the drive home. Fast forward a bit and now we are all on our way home. Road is clear, little cousins in the back seat enjoying their candy, and I am enjoying my jawbreaker. Then, one of my cousins asked me when they can go back to the park. Now, because I didn't want to deal with green dye and spit all over my fingertips I decide to just finesse the massive ball of candy in between my teeth and my left cheek so I could answer him. Afterwards, I attempted to move my jawbreaker back onto my tongue so I can continue eating it. The only problem was that the jawbreaker didn't move. That thing did not **BUDGE**. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't manage to get my jaw open far enough to get it back into the main part of my mouth. After about 10 minutes of swinging my jaw around, I decided that all I could do was to sit and wait for the jawbreaker to get small enough for me to dislodge it. So I am now sitting here writing this with a huge bulge in my cheek and a mouth full of green dye while waiting for the damn thing to dissolve *just* enough to end this nightmare. I suppose I didn't fuck up that bad, but man do I feel like an idiot.
TL;DR: Bought a huge jawbreaker, got it stuck in my mouth, and can't get the damn thing out.
Edit: No I did not die, and I managed to get it out! I'm still keeping this here thought because it was still quite the fuck up.
returnable1981: Has your jaw breaker dilemma alleviated itself?
Snazzlo: To a good degree, yes. I expect to be able to get it out soon. After a while I just lost feeling in my check from constantly being stretched out and my teeth were aching from the being pushed towards the middle of my mouth. Hopefully, it will be over soon though.
glottal__stop: I am confused. You're driving and posting to Reddit at the same time?
Snazzlo: No, I was posting from my home computer. I got home not to long after getting it stuck.
Online_Again: The thought of you pulling up next to someone at a red light like that is hilarious. Did anyone see you?
Snazzlo: As a matter of fact, I stopped next to some lady in a minivan at a red light. She looked in my direction and did a double take. Her eyes widened and it was obvious that she was confused. It was quite funny.
Online_Again: NOoooo!! Haha!
| 8 | 2 | |
1410304931 | 1410307293 | t3_2fyds0 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally being rude
I go to college on the East Coast. I was hanging out with some other students on my floor that I was meeting for the first time. We were in my friends dorm room, but I hardly knew anyone there. There were about 10-15 people, most of whom were Korean and already good friends. We had all had a few drinks and were sitting together on a couch when I leaned over to the guy next to me and said loudly, What's your name? He said, "Hiro." To which I exclaimed, "HERO!?" and he looked at me strange and said "Yeah, Hiro man". I looked up from him and everyone else was staring at me. I quickly realized my mistake.
I_kill_humour: Hiro sounds Japanese -not Korean. You may be making a double mistake there.
wheeland: TIFU by thinking my Japanese friends were Korean
I_kill_humour: Oddly enough, /u/hojae *is* a Korean name. I sense OP has some ethnic identity issues.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1410304623 | 1410353710 | t3_2fyd9e | t5_2to41 | 5 | chickenchinese: TIFU by not waking my friend up for work
So long story short, we were drinking last night and I remember asking my friend if he had to be up early for work tomorrow and he said yes. Fast forward to this morning when I wake up before my friend & for some reason I didn't think to wake him since he usually sets his alarm if he has work. My friend wakes up about 45 minutes after me & checks the clock, realizes what happened & calls out of work. All this time I'm feeling so stupid because I clearly remember my friend telling me he had to be up. Why did I do such a mindless thing? I just got a text from him saying he got fired. I feel terrible. :(
YuffiesMateria: Hey, OP
You clearly knew that he had an alarm that was special for work, and you were probably a bit hungover. so you thought that it would be just like normal. That's probably okay.
But then again, you were out drinking with your friend, and you remembered that he or she needed to go to work in the morning; and you knew that your friend was still asleep. You ignored that... Pretty lacking on the responsible-friend deal, I guess.
Butthenagain but then again, your friend shouldn't've drunk so much that his or her usual alarm couldn't wake him or her up.
idkthisisjustamessafterabitofadrunkennightifeelbadforyouandyourfriendman
chickenchinese: Yup, quite the mess. I should be less of a stoner & more of a mindful person, & my friend should be a bit more responsible. Lesson learned!
On the bright side, we live in a city where jobs are more common than not. I offered to help him in any way he needed, hope he gets a job soon.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410306807 | 1410327590 | t3_2fygxu | t5_2to41 | 218 | PM_ME_UR_BREASTS_NOW: TIFU by leaving my bedroom door open
This was actually last night and is also my first reddit post! Hooray for glorious fuck-ups!
Last night I (26M) had just gotten home from work and decided to take a shower. My sister's (22F) friend (Ari 23F) has been sleeping over the house for two weeks since she had been kicked out by her unfaithful boyfriend. As I was in the shower Ari went into my room to grab my DVD player as I said they could use it whenever they wanted and to just run up and grab it.
I began to have a little crank time in the shower and decided to finish myself off in bed. I got out of the shower and realized I had forgotten my towel in my room. I was unaware that Ari was in my room looking through my DVD rack! I got out of the shower, soaking wet with full throbbing erection, and went to my room to dry off.
I walked into my room with my big ol' boner and picked up the towel and started drying off. Stroking my penis while doing so. Ari stood there with her hands covering her mouth and let out a squeaky "Oh my god I'm so sorry" then scampered off. Now, my DVD rack isn't visible from when you first walk into my room so I didn't even know she was there. Also, my raging boner and horniness made me oblivious to everything around me.
I jumped and frantically tried to cover up. I apologized profusely. Part of me wishes it was the beginning of a porno since Ari has enormous natural tits. We haven't looked at each other since.
TL;DR: My sister's hot friend saw my erect penis.
Edit: I should mention that had I not left my door open I would have heard Ari open the door and go into my room so I would have stayed in the bathroom until she was finished.
Lefty1979: Who gets out of the shower to finish off in bed? Unusual, but to each their own.
PM_ME_UR_BREASTS_NOW: Can't watch porn in the shower dude. Plus, I don't like cumming in the shower because it gets all clumpy and weird in texture.
arod944: Galaxy S5 bro. Or the old Ziploc bag.
clutedog: Just open the shower curtain and put the tablet on the toilet...I mean I heard that works too.
LordSyyn: Even better if they're in adjoining rooms, not the same one.
| 6 | 36.333333 | |
1410305756 | 1410309118 | t3_2fyf7u | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by Almost Misplacing My Friend at a Water Park
I was at Aquatica some months ago and took my friend and my mom forced me to bring my brother. After we get off a slide, we go to get something to eat. And my brother starts talking to me and my friend is to the left of me, my brother to the right. We get to the buffet amd I turn to say something to my friend and she wasn't there. I had an Oh. Shit. moment. We looked everywhere before returning to the place we put our bags down. And there she is. Turns out, she zoned out while walking and almost walked out of the park.
To this day, I'm still trying to figure out how this is possible. How could she not see when we turned while walking in front of her? My diagnosis: I am secretly a ninja and don't know it yet.
freeroof: >Misplacing
TL;DR: My friend is an inanimate object.
YesItIsMaybeMe: ..... shhhhhhhhh! Who told you?!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410307584 | 1410310577 | t3_2fyi9x | t5_2to41 | 48 | KosmoCramer: TIFU By Swallowing Gum
Sunday evening before "relations" with my SO, I decided to chew a piece of 5 Gum. Nobody wants to be kissing up on a stanky-breath mouth.
Things got hot and heavy pretty quickly. Being the gentleman that I am, I didn't want to interrupt the flow of events by getting out of the bed and throwing my gum in the trashcan. So I swallowed it.
Fast forward 24 hours and I find myself on the toilet of my apartment. I'm first struck by the smell: minty. Thinking that this is odd (and assuming it's a normal corn kernel situation), I go to wipe. I see identifiable gum on the toilet paper. As someone who has had a noteworthy poop or two in his day, I hop right into the shower to clean myself, knowing full well that Quilted Northern isn't up to this challenge.
I wash my body leaving my hairy crack for last. The more I go to scrub it, the more I'm surprised by how much gum is there. I scrub and scrub, but I can't get it all out. Soap alone isn't doing the trick, and I'm afraid of spreading peanut butter down there to loosen the remaining pieces from my hair. I've sat here all day with a slightly tingly and minty butt, resisting the urge to fart and see if I can blow bubbles.
TL;DR: Swallowed 5 Gum. Learned what it **really** feels like to chew 5 Gum.
beleedatbae: Anyone else read TIFU By Swallowing Cum
I_Will_Try_More: That is why I clicked on the link in the first place. Turned out to be a good story none the less.
| 3 | 16 | |
1410308325 | 1410309572 | t3_2fyjip | t5_2to41 | 23 | Jackswagga11: TIFU by not knowing how to reply
So this was actually a few years ago while I was in high school. I was always socially awkward as a kid, so you can imagine my surprise when a girl I had always kinda liked started being my friend. It just kinda happened, I never made any moves and we just hung out a lot. I knew she had had issues with her family growing up, but I never asked and she never told. It was a good friendship, and she had a lot of hot friends that I got introduced to (One I'm currently dating). It was all going smoothly, until one night during the summer of my senior year.
We were riding back from the movies, and she had had a bit to drink. My radio in my shitty jeep had stopped working, so we just conversed for a while. Then she just starts spilling her guts about her family life. She tells me about all the guys she's slept with and how all of her exes threatened to kill her and she always felt scared around most guys. She said that she had been molested by her stepfather when she was younger and never told anyone.
Me, being from a happy family with no real problems, didn't know how to respond. So, being the idiot I am, said "My dad told me to shut up once as a kid"
Silence, the rest of the trip.
We're still good friends, but I don't think she'll ever open up to me again.
TParis00ap: You could just explain that you didn't have a frame of reference to go by and felt totally inadequate to do anything but listen and when you felt you had to respond, you blurted out something that you realized immediately didn't even remotely compare and ask for her forgiveness and tell her that you really appreciated the trust she had placed in you and you're sorry that you let her down and see how it goes from there.
[deleted]: OP listen to this person. Your TIFU made me cringe but this can make it right.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1410308241 | 1410336222 | t3_2fyjdq | t5_2to41 | 108 | A1caligirl: TIFU by letting my kid borrow my ipad
This just happened. My kid is super into Minecraft and I dropped him off at Nana's house to have some quality time, they live close by. Nana doesn't know what Minecraft is and was curious and my boy was excited to show her all about it.....no biggie. The thing is that I am divorced and dating. I'm dating a few guys right now and they all have imessage. So, since it is my parents' house I automatically log in to their wi-fi and my texts pop up when they are imessages. Right after I dropped my boy off, I started texting with my male friends. Things got very, very steamy, not just with one of them, but with 2. Very inappropriate texts. Didn't even think about the ipad situation until right now. So, my mom and possibly my dad read all the dirty texts between myself and not just one, but two different men. So, now they probably think I'm the biggest slut ever. Both of them are dropping my son off in 15 minutes, I'm freaking out!
A1caligirl: Oh god. They were supposed to be here at 5:30, it's 5:53 and they still aren't here!
5unbr0: >They were supposed to be here at 5:30, it's 5:53 and they still aren't here!
Oh wow, you're one of those...
Also "the battery died" is a good excuse that allows you to retain your dignity.
*Maaaaybe* the battery didn't die that early.
A1caligirl: Wow. A true negative thinker. Trust me, if they saw those texts my dad would not be able to look me in the eyes! I definitely got away with it.
5unbr0: Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
| 5 | 21.6 | |
1410308919 | 1410372449 | t3_2fykh1 | t5_2to41 | 7 | MegaDuckDodgers: TIFU by having a fling with my ex
So a little backstory here, I'm 20 and my ex is 22. We dated on and off in highschool but she moved to out of state a while ago (a year or two). Anyways we've been flirting with each other (dirty pics) via text on and off since we graduated, I've seen her at parties and other social gatherings since until she moved but we never hung out or anything. Anyways, she tells me she is coming back to town for a week so we decided this is a perfect opportunity to actually hang out and and get drunk and play some league. I go over there for a couple days before she has to leave and we spend the entire time drinking and playing league and fucking like we're mad. It was amazing, neither of us had been laid in a while, and during highschool she was too nervous to ever have sex (and I tried a LOT) so it was years of pent up sexual energy just culminating in hot drunken passion. Anyways the day comes when she has to leave and we have sex one last time before she leaves and we go on about our ways (this was about a month ago). But just an hour ago she texts me with the bomb, she's pregnant.....Fuck.
TL;DR hooked up with my ex because she was back in town for a week, had a lot of sex, she leaves, tells me a month later she's pregnant. Fuck.
weoewopwe: In hindsight: Morning after pill? ;)
A buddy of mine slept with a chick at a party last month, just found out she's pregnant. Seems she had unprotected sex with 10 guys at the party though.. So good chance he's in the clear! \o/
MegaDuckDodgers: I completely forgot about the morning after pill >_>
Can you take it multiple days in a row with no side effects?
Also, that chick your buddy slept with is a super whore. 10 guys at a parts? Holy cow.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410309597 | 1410381263 | t3_2fylkk | t5_2to41 | 46 | dave51541: TIFU by making fun of my co-workers dead baby.
I won't make this too long but basically at my job we all like to fuck with each other a lot. I have two co workers named Chris and Jeff who have pregnant girlfriends.
We were on the conversation of sex and I said to Chris "Ha you can't fuck your girl cause she's pregnant." (yes I know you can still fuck your girlfriend if she's pregnant. It was a joke)
Then I saw the other Jeff the same thing only this time Chris was behind me giving the hand-across-the-neck shut the fuck up signal but it was too late. He just looked at me heartbroken and said, "She lost the baby." And then walked away.
I didn't know what to say at that point so I just walked the opposite direction. Later on I went up to him and just told him how sorry I was and I had no idea. He assumed that everyone else had told me, but he wasn't too upset with me. It could have went a lot worse I guess.
TL;DR: Joking around at work told co worker he couldn't fuck his girlfriend cause she was pregnant. Turns out she lost the baby.
chokemo_girls: Plot Twist: OP is the only one not in on the joke.
bdawgsupreme: Plot twist of the plot twist: OP is the baby
dave51541: Ya got me.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1410311752 | 1410397011 | t3_2fypah | t5_2to41 | 10 | Nytim: TIFU by thinking it would be funny to start the blind date of with a joke
Maybe too early.
The waiter comes to ask for my date's order while she was deciding on her side dish and it was taking well over 5 minutes, so I blurted out," Hey, if you don't decide soon the waiters going to get you the Ray Rice with that." I turned to the waiter and said, "Am I right or what?" At the point I made the joke it got eerily quite in the restaurant and I'm sure everybody heard it, even the kitchen staff that didn't speak English understood it. He politely excused himself.
I didn't think she would understand the joke but by the time I turned my head my face was soaked with white wine. She left with her last word,"asshole" and never returned my calls. Turns out she was previously domestically abused.
smokedstupid: You totally deserved that buddy. Next time you want to make light of physical abuse maybe consider if you would find the comment (I'm not going to call it a joke) amusing had your mother, sister, or girlfriend suffered such abuse.
Nytim: You're right, taking my mother to a 3-star restaurant is torture. I will only take her to 5-star restaurants from now on.
Lastone5tanding: Listen man you didn't deserve that. It was clearly a joke, who would have ever guessed she was abused before. Also that bitch took over five minutes to choose a fucking side dish. Who the fuck takes over five minutes to decide what side dish they want?
smokedstupid: Jokes are funny. Domestic violence isn't funny
Lastone5tanding: I assure you it isn't. But I use humor as a defense. Since I'm one of the person who smiles the most since I'm actually really sad inside. I joke about everything because that's just all I know. So if I'm at a funeral I'll just crack a joke about the person to lighten the mood but to generally insult them.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1410313261 | 1410317677 | t3_2fyru4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a nice guy?
Ok so I've been dating this girl for about a month now. I thought everything was going great. We saw each other once every other weekend and I just took the next three weekends off to hangout with her. However, today she called me and said that she lost the 'spark' and that she always wants something bad for her. She says she feels bad because I'm so good to her. We haven't broken up (I'm giving her space) but she seemed so angry at me because I have been nothing but good to her. I just don't know what to say or do.
[deleted]: Don't be submissive to her. Be dominant, be assertive. Make plans, don't ask for input. Tell her where you're taking her, don't ask where she wants to go. Be the dominant man you know you are. She wants to submit to you.
HumbleDT: As an woman who has stayed with a "good man" and likes the "bad types", SnarkySpaceHeater is 100% correct. That's all it will really take to meet her needs. Don't be mean, or abusive, but be dominate and assertive.
cjstine8585: That's the thing. I'm always the one making plans. I just feel like I put all this effort into this and she doesn't do out any effort at all. I also forgot to mention that she has told me on several occasions that she is extremely self conscious.
cptengoat70: on the other hand she did marry ray rice after the giant left hook in the elevator soo..... maybe just be a crazy rich football playier. and who hasnt dont acid lol heroin run away she'll steal and sell ur car but a little acid no biggy
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1410311849 | 1410314633 | t3_2fypgm | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by running from the woman I love.
In her bed, just a nap. Suddenly I get the shakes again. I get up. I grab my stuff. I'm gone.
I met her maybe three months ago. Me, the kind of dude, who hits on everything that doesn't run and doesn't look like a flap of ballsack, but in the end's extremely picky and still didn't hit the high number of partners after 20 months of being single.
She comes into that club, walks up to me and our friends. Stunning. Amazing.
For a second I'm just **.....**
Full blown single that I am, I go for it. We hit it off.
I had a few relationships, swore to stay the fuck away for it a while, enjoy my twenties, just some nailing, railing, ramming, whamming.
Everything's alright. What a *perfect* life I have. Some sex here, some sex there, no feelings, no responsibility. Boot out n run after shooting the gun, *perfect*. A few friends made here and there, *perfect*. Enough money to spend on dancing and drinking, *perfect*. Suddenly a woman I have regular, nearly daily and amazing sex with, *perfect*.
Feelings, **fuck**.
It burns hot and fast, weeks ran past, last Friday we got drunk together and both just spilled out our guts. She loves me, I love her.
Fuck. I'm scared.
The moment I developed feelings for her my old demons came back up again. I've been working hard to cork up all my emotions over the last 20 months.
She comes over and just **pop, pop, pop**s the corks. I'm done for.
I was scared that everybody's out to get me and kick me in the ass. I was scared that I'm an imbecile and everybody's just being nice to the retardo. I was scared that everybody's just lying to me. I was scared that the women I find interest in will always be interested in fucking me over. Bottled it up. My dick was the cork, a few vaginas were the bottles, get those feelings away from me, fuck'em dead.
**pop, pop, pop**
I slept at her place nearly every night since somewhere around the beginning of August. This was bound to happen. Somehow I wanted it to happen.
So I'm next to her in bed this morning. Just a nap. She's beautiful. She snores a little. Fuck, she might just pity me. "I feel responsible for your feelings now." is what she said a day before. Fuck, no. Don't, please. Suddenly I get the shakes again. I get up. I grab my stuff. I'm gone.
Not quietly enough. I'm still walking down the staircase as she texts me "wtf?!" ... And I, again, start spilling my guts out, this time while walking away instead of having her in my arms, this time not smelling the amazingness that comes from all over her body. Over fucking whatsapp I lament. Let her see how fucked in the head I am.
In the end, I turn around, already on my way home, walk back to hers, she lets me in. We go grocery shopping, she cooks, we eat, watch a series, she decides to take a nap, falls asleep in my arms. Fuck, she might just pity me. "I feel responsible for your feelings now." is what she said a day before. Fuck, no. Don't, please. Suddenly I get the shakes again. I don't get up. I don't grab my stuff. I don't run. This time I stay.
She texts that she doesn't really feel comfortable now. I wanted her love, but was also scared of it and I thought that I somehow accidentally manipulated her into sorta loving me, wanted her to be free again and that's why I ran. Wrong decision. Now I fucked it up even more. We kinda just dropped it. "Let's just not talk about it." Alright, beautiful. Just please let me look into those eyes a few more times. She's amazing. I'll sleep over at hers tomorrow. We're exited. What comes next?
cowsgoroar: What?
5unbr0: I have no fucking clue mate. Let's just pity upvote and run.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1410313525 | 1410381865 | t3_2fys8t | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by allowing my gf to suck on my tongue (slightly nsfw)
This happened early today at a local college we attend. I was waiting in one of the building's staircases waiting for her to get out of class when she messages me that she's coming to where I was. Didn't expect that to happen. She arrives at the staircase and seems to be a bit off. I ask what's wrong and she just sits down next to me and starts making out with me. Alrighty then. She then starts playing around with my tongue by using hers. I thought that was normal and okay. Boy was I wrong. She then starts sucking on it and being extremely rough. I didn't expect any of that! Being the horny teen I am, I allow her to continue doing. Since I enjoyed it a lot. Well fast forward 2 minutes, She starts getting REALLY rough with it. It was actually starting to hurt. I didn't get too worried until she did it rough enough to wear I felt a stinging pain under my tongue. Not just a small sting, but a really big fucking sting. I motion her to stop and I start to taste blood. I feel under my tongue and it fucking hurts when I poke it. Oh fuck. As it turns out, She had sucked too hard and she tore the frenulum of my tongue. More than half of it was torn. You can literally see where it separates into two. Since that happened, I haven't been able to eat or drink anything without experiencing an extreme amount pain. No making out or shit like that for awhile.
DivinePrince: Go to doctor plz.
That's a pretty important part of your tongue that keeps it from sliding back down your throat.
Lakonthegreat: Says the man who has no clue how the human body works.
Your frenulum is attached in order to increase the tensile strength of the muscles in your tongue, and provide a leverage point. There are plenty of people who have had their frenulums severed and suffered no long-term adverse effects.
Plus now you can probably go all Gene Simmons on her cooz when it heals up.
DivinePrince: I am a Woman. Not a man.
Koolaidwifebeater: >Says the woman who has no clue how the human body works.
>Your frenulum is attached in order to increase the tensile strength of the muscles in your tongue, and provide a leverage point. There are plenty of people who have had their frenulums severed and suffered no long-term adverse effects.
>Plus now you can probably go all Gene Simmons on her cooz when it heals up.
DivinePrince: There we go! :D
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1410311370 | 1410315440 | t3_2fyoof | t5_2to41 | 4 | gingerkid1234: TIFU by trying to build a PC
So, this fuckup did happen today, but it began a few weeks ago.
This summer, I graduated college and moved to a new city for a new job. My college laptop was reaching the end of its useful life--even simple tasks, like streaming movies or playing a game (even an old one) proved a challenge for it. Work has a laptop for me to use when I'm on business trips (which is a lot), so I decided a desktop made the most sense. On the advice of internet-people, I decided to build one. More bang for my buck, easy to upgrade rather than replace (for even more bang-for-buck), simple "like LEGO" to assemble, and a cool DIY project.
So I made a list of parts, designed for upgradeability. Hooray! Many of the parts I got for my birthday, some lucky timing that. Assembling was a bit more difficult than advertised, but hey, it's my first time. A few speedbumps on my way to a swanky new PC.
But no. Turns out I'm cursed or something. First, it wouldn't turn on because the power cable for one of the parts *just* doesn't fit in the slot quite right, so it didn't work in unexpected ways. Then, even when appearing to work, nothing will display. Without going into the nitty-gritty, something is going horribly wrong, multiple reddit and non-reddit forums can't help, my girlfriend's dad in IT says it's a particular part's issue and I should talk to the company, and the support for that part sucks ass.
So for now, instead of playing KSP on a brand new computer, I'm redditing on my crappy old laptop, with a very expensive box sitting next to my desk.
all_teh_bacon: Ouch. Did you reseat the RAM?
gingerkid1234: Yep.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410314235 | 1410379232 | t3_2fythi | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by sharing my opinion on a controversial topic.
So I've been flipping threw the channels today and I've been seeing analysts talk about Ray Rice's domestic abuse charge. They've been doing something that in my personal opinion is bothersome. They're trying to tell us all what his wife is thinking even though they've never spoken to her before. That to me isn't right. I wanted to get that off my chest and so I went on Facebook and gave quick post about what was on my mind in which I said just that. "They've got the nerve to try and tell me what she's thinking when they've never talked to her before." I still feel that's true but a few minutes later I realised that facebook wasn't a place where you truly gave your thoughts on controversial topics. Facebook is for cats and selfies. A statement like that is what reddit is for where you can say as much offensive shit as you want and not have to worry about the consequences because it's anonymous. I went to take it down because I figured that it wasn't worth the trouble. now I'm freaking out that people in my personal life are going to make me pay some sort of penalty because you know how mob like people can be when discussing something controversial. I don't care if someone disagrees with me but I think a statement like that would've been better suited for a face to face discussion as opposed to putting it in writing and now I feel like I'm going to have to pay for it. Freaking out right now.
DivinePrince: If they gang on you for having an opinion, then they are not your friends. Unfriend the ones who call you out, they aren't worth it.
you have a right to your opinion and a right to not be discriminated against because of your opinion.
I get called out for my opinions all the time, it's only exposed to me who my true friends are.
lord_sherlock_holmes: true friends dont necessarily have to have the same opinion as you. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I could disagree with OP on this subject (i don't BTW) but it could be civil.
DivinePrince: Oh no, I just mean that people shouldn't be assholes to you just because of your opinion, that's all. And that if you don't want an argument, they should respect that and back off.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410314409 | 1410325211 | t3_2fytrr | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying a social experiment
to start off and give context I work got a seasonal job at a big amusement park chain of which I wont name for privacy purposes. as an employee we get free tickets and passes. one of the rules that come along with them are that we are only allowed to give them away and not sell them. well on Facebook i tried to see how many people who i don't regularly talk to would suddenly want to be my best friend when i offered to sell these passes at a discount rate. after a few hours of it being up and getting the results i was expecting i deleted the post.
today i was called into the security office of my job and they interviewed me in a small room for about a 1/2 hour before telling me that i was suspended and would be under investigation. kept my cool because i did nothing wrong and never actually sold them but still it means less hours this week and a smaller pay check
TL;DR pretended as if i was going to sell free shit given to me from work and got suspended from work while they try to find a reason to fire me.
Infant_Infidel: Uh-huh, "pretended." And then you make this "alibi" post? Yep, seen it before. Classic case of the "Post Fuck-Up, Reddit Cover My Ass" post.
Yep, classic.
ray2128: nah, just regretting the experiment. sorry you feel that way.
Infant_Infidel: >Yep, classic.
BigBobsBootyBarn: He'd be much better off by playing ignorant. "I completely forgot, it'll never happen again."
I promise you OP that will sound a lot better than trying to convince a panel that you were doing a social experiment. Do you know why?
Because their first question is going to be "If you were going to see how many people would respond to your social experiment for discounted tickets, why didn't you offer them for free? It would get an even better response rate."
Infant_Infidel: Still, completely **classic**.
ray2128: well none of the tickets have been used. and it really was that, an experiment to see how many people would respond. why didn't i offer for free? because no one offers anything for free without a catch.
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1410314339 | 1410343741 | t3_2fytns | t5_2to41 | 9 | heorhe: TIFU by sneaking out to my friends house last night
So today was the start of second week at college so in order to relative stress and have a good time before work piled up, I decided to go over to my friends house to a small party at 1 in the morning. I knew my parents would say no so I snuck out of the house. Now for some context on why this was a F up.
Recently I have been considering watching an extremely sad anime called Clannad/After story and I had been talking to my mom about how sad even hearing the theme song made me. Also she had seen me watching a bunch of sad anime theme songs and tearing up a little so she must have thought I was depressed.
When I got home today my mom was practically in tears. She thought that I was depressed from this anime and I had snuck out to commit suicide. I have never felt so awful and confused before in my life. TIFU hard
BigBobsBootyBarn: Sorry to hear that. Also, you're parents need to understand you're your own person and trying to stop someone from doing what they want as a grown up in college is not healthy for you.
I know they want what's best, but from what I've seen that kind of overbearing behavior is what cases these issues in the first place. Glad you got to have a good time bud. Talk to the rents, explain the situation!
heorhe: Yeah I told my mom I just needed a fun night before everything went nuts and some de-stress time and she understood for the most part. doesn't mean she was any happier about it
| 3 | 3 | |
1410315131 | 1410352342 | t3_2fyuzp | t5_2to41 | 11 | flynnzarkade: TIFU by giving a coworker a pep talk
Like most things on this sub it STARTED weeks ago, but the consequences have since slapped me in the face the last two days. Weeks ago several coworkers came into my office to vent about how we don't get paid enough for the work we do. This isn't uncommon, apparently I'm easy to talk to and empathetic. I thought nothing of it as I had the same pep talk with 3 or 4 other people in this time period. Yes our job is hard, yes it sucks but well get through it, we always do. I also confided to these people (who were relatively new staff) how great it was to have them on board. Honestly, office morale has never been so high and I thought we had finally assembled a really great team. We talked about raises and I told them that it was hard to get a raise at my job, we are small business and time had to be put in. I'd been with the company 5 years and JUST gotten a raise, I never told anyone any numbers, and when asked if is gotten a raise I answered honestly: I got a modest raise but I'd been working for years towards it. The truth was I did get a nice raise, it still didn't equal my workload, but that's how you piss people off. I'm a people pleaser.
At around the same time I had manage to balance my budget and was spending a little extra on myself. Geek stuff by nature is a little expensive so I also fucked up by gloating about it. That was weeks ago, some personal shit came up and I found myself in a hole again.
Fast forward to the present. My SO had an emergency and I took a day off work to take him to the doctor. I also had a job interview for a weekend job to help me out of the hole I found myself in. In the ONE DAY I was gone somehow I managed to piss one of the coworkers I had comforted weeks before (the worse part is I can't remember who) who started to spread a rumor about my salary. It was so fucking LUDICROUS I could hardly believe it. They inflated my income by an additional $5 an hour, never mind I never said what I actually made! This led to about 5 people storming into my manager's office demanding to make equal pay.
When I came back into work (having nailed my interview and asking for a week off with no pay to complete training) not only was I denied, but I find myself in DEEP SHIT for "discussing and inflating my salary" to my coworkers. All of the new equipment I got to do my job (a new printer, a headset, dual screens for my computer) were seen as "favors" an special treatment. My vacation has been taken away and I have to use it to do the training at my weekend job, my employers aren't writing me up as this is all politics and hearsay, but I'm feeling the cold shoulder. Worse, NO ONE will come forward and say I told them "my salary" and the clinic team I relied on to do my job hates me.
TL;DR - comforted a coworker about having a dead end, low paying job. She then lied to our management department and all our coworkers inciting a VERY hostile work environment with me at the center.
annaleaf: This sucks. Go talk to HR and explain the whole story. They might talk to the managers for you.
flynnzarkade: It's a small private practice. Sadly the managers who are pissed off at me ARE HR. And taking this matter to the owner would only piss everyone off further.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410314228 | 1410413949 | t3_2fyth1 | t5_2to41 | 77 | [deleted]: TIFU and now my bed smells like milk
So this FU happened 12 hours ago on this fateful day. I had a break between work and class and decided to treat myself to a nap. But what better way to go into a nap then after a yummy bowl of cereal? And smart me last night bought some milk!
There were no bowls clean but I wouldn't let this hinder my journey. I painstakingly hand washed my favorite cereal bowl: a deep blue the color of the ocean and the size of what I assume a dinosaur egg would be.
I then get the cereal box and--lucky me--there is only one bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with vanilla clusters left. Today would be a good day. I pour the perfect milk-to-cereral ratio and ascend the staircase, barely containing my excitement.
In my left hand was my phone, and in the right hand was the cereal. I make it to about three feet away and toss my phone down on my bed. But the second it left my hand, something felt wrong. I couldn't quite figure out the root of this feeling, this imminent dread masked with confusion, but then it hit me. I always carry my phone in my right hand. My body took over and instead of releasing my phone, I released an entire bowl of cereal. It crashed onto my bed, the contents splashing out to cover my entire twin size mattress. I began crying as my dog jumped up on my bed licking around, laying in the milk and spreading it around.
It took me another second to figure out what to do. But I still haven't come to terms with it. 12 hours later as I write this, after a long day filled with many other unfortunate occurrences, my eyes water. I should have never left my bed this morning. RIP cereal. And now, despite a thorough scrubbing and sheet changing, my bed smells like milk. And I didn't even get to take my nap.
TL;DR Went to throw my phone on my bed and my body mixed up hands and I ended up throwing a whole bowl of perfectly good cereal on my bed.
DouglasTQuaid: TL:DR: OP almost cries over spilt milk.
I can only imagine seeing this in slow motion. My condolences.
Lakonthegreat: *slash cut to slow motion black and white shot of OP slowly and dramatically throwing cereal bowl on bed while Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek 'ooh whatcha say' part plays*
REPOsPuNKy: Reminds me of a post somewhere here that talked about a guy skipping rocks on a beach while eating a sandwich. Dude threw his sandwich in the ocean and then bit a rock. I think he fucked up worse than you.
Lakonthegreat: Dude I fuckin remember that!! That was so goddamn funny.
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1410316589 | 1410318549 | t3_2fyxak | t5_2to41 | 70 | almack9: TIFU by accidently fucking my wife in the ass
We were going at it, normal missionary style, it started to get a little rough. Found my way into the wrong hole, she cried, I sighed and neither of us got to finish.
ShartsofEndeerment: In limerick form:
I was with my wife humping in bed,
By mistake slipped into her butt instead,
She let out a cry,
And my boner did die,
So I made it all better with head.
Snlseanconnery: Upvote for poem and relevant username
| 3 | 23.333333 | |
1410316886 | 1410798855 | t3_2fyxrx | t5_2to41 | 14 | codesimmian: TIFU friend found an old video.
A friend found a video on the internet of a guy that looks like me but younger. It's porn. He showed it to me on his phone and asked if it was me. I said no and it's a lie. Our spouses are friends and I don't know if I can trust him enough to admit how I paid for college. Worst, my wife doesn't know. When she asked how many girlfriends I had before I said 3, and that also became the number of women I slept with.
My wife came from a nice middle class Christian house hold. I've been a good and loyal husband, but I'm still afraid my past could crush her.
I'm lucky my porn days were from early age of the internet when VHS was still king, resolution was poor and the camera rarely pointed at my face. The video is out there.
The damning evidence will be the video if my wife sees it, that's me, I have a mole down there and she knows it. We have dinner with my friend and a few other couples every Friday. That video is something that might come up they'd find it funny.
Do I call him and tell him it's me and to stay quiet?
Or, Do I come clean to my wife and tell I lied to my friend?
[Update]
I told her and she took it rather well. I showed her the video. She didn't watch it all but was upset. I spent a night on the couch and a few days of hands off. My wife skipped our Fri night thing, I went and the video didn't come up. My wife was pissed I hadn't told her, but she said she understood why I did it at the time but not why not since. In my fear over her doing something wrash to get back at me [I fucked up Again](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2gellu/tifu_by_sending_a_dick_pic_to_my_wifes_cousin/).
Update for typos
I seriously can't believe how this shit turned out.
blondewithambition: Yeah I think telling your wife is the smart move here especially if you love her she will understand if she truly loves you. As for your friend it's up to you. If you tell them then the fear and danger of being discovered as a porn star will not be hanging over you besides blackmail wouldn't work because they know already your conscious would be clean.
codesimmian: Thanks. I have two days to tell my wife. I'm trying to find the video, if my wife asks I don't want it to seem like I'm hiding anything anymore.
BigBobsBootyBarn: I don't know about this. I would much rather ask my friend to respect my privacy from something that was 20 years ago than hope my wife would understand something like that.
Consider it like this, in couples therapy they always tell you what you do is your business before and after the relationship. If it will potentially hurt your spouse (and it will) it's best to leave the past in the past. I am not saying lie to her. If she finds out I would admit to it. I would not however bring it up first.
I'm sure your wife loves you dearly and you her. You didn't do anything wrong IN the relationship. This was way before her. However, she may start to question herself and wonder if you've held anything else back from her if you tell her. She is going to wonder why you are telling her now, so she will most likely know the only reason you're saying something is because someone found out.
I am sorry you are in this situation and I wish you the best.
codesimmian: I told my wife if they show it she can say it's me if she wants it will probably blow their minds. I'm just not that comfortable with my friends seeing that much of me anymore. I've developed boundaries.
BigBobsBootyBarn: So how did it all go? Update when you have a chance please.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1410279135 | 1410383304 | t3_2fx1s3 | t5_2to41 | 13 | bobthebutler: TIFU by telling a parent I couldn't care less about his kids after a Tennis lesson.
I taught tennis once a week throughout the summer to a group of kids in which we ran 3 different classes over a 3 hour period.
Each week, a father came with his two daughters and patiently sat and watched for two hours, one hour/daughter.
He was always very pleasant and always enthusiastically thanked me after both of his daughters had finished their classes. I'm still not sure, but I got the impression that English might not have been his first language.
On the last class of the year, with my brain still partially asleep after waking up at 8:00 and teaching until noon, he approaches me and thanks me so much for the summer. He tells me about how his daughters loved the classes and want to pursue the sport. I'm smiling and nodding the whole time, loving the praise. He concludes by saying "*And you know, this was the first time they've ever played the sport!*".
At this point, I fully intended to tell him that I couldn't tell and that they were fantastic kids.
Unfortunately, that's not what came out. Much to my confusion and horror I ended up saying "*Oh really? I Couldn't care less!*" - some terrible, deformed baby of the two phrases I meant to say: "I couldn't tell" and "It didn't end up mattering, they were great".
He smiled and walked out with his kids after a touch of hesitation while my co-worker looked at me like I just stepped out of a spaceship from Mars. Once I realized what I had actually just said, I tried to explain myself to my co-worker, trying to redeem myself after saying such a heartless thing, only to end up failing miserably.
We ended up laughing about it with me crossing my fingers he didn't understand, because he and his kids certainly didn't deserve that kind of response and I didn't get a chance to apologize.
TL;DR - Told a father I could't care less about his kids the second I was free of them
PM_me_your_evilgrin: Upvoted, because you said it correctly even if it was unintentional.
LifesABowlofJerrys: man you dont need to justify your voting to me man ya dig?
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410314659 | 1410357969 | t3_2fyu6b | t5_2to41 | 16 | OACyberiad: TIFU: When i confessed my love for a metrosexual friend.
So this happened today, over the past few weeks one of the seniors who had stayed back had been in most of my classes and i had made friends with him. up until today i was pretty convinced he was gay... well i found out i was pretty wrong when i confessed my love for him and he just stood there and gave me a blank stare before saying "dude im straight" at that point being the heavily shy and non confrontational person i am i exclaimed "Oh" with a very badly timed voice crack and walked away... The End
BigBobsBootyBarn: You did nothing wrong. Plus, you didnt pursue it after you found out. You don't abandon your friends for their lifestyle choice, and hopefully he would respect you in the same manner.
Dex22er: "Lifestyle choice"
BigBobsBootyBarn: *"Unnecessary use of quotations"*
You take that too literal. If I'm saying that his friend should be okay with him being gay, I'm obviously not a homophobic that believes people can "turn their gay off" or are infested with the sin of Satan.
Dex22er: I figured, I was just pointing out how it reads!
BigBobsBootyBarn: Haha, all good. My apologies!
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1410319297 | 1410344156 | t3_2fz1jo | t5_2to41 | 10 | applegun: TIFU by calling out my professor on facebook for being a dickhead
So today I had a new professor do something to exceptionally piss me off, and me being the fool that I am decided to post a facebook rant about my anger. This is dumb by itself, but I brought it to an even moronic level by doing two things: first, I named the professor. Second, and this is the worst part, I forgot that I am facebook friends with another professor, who definitely saw my post calling their colleague a nominee for worst professor ever. Ugh
twelvedayslate: Man. This is shit we learned about Facebook in like, 2008. You really did fuck up and it'll be difficult to repair this. As a general rule going forward, NEVER post negative shit to Facebook, not even annoyingly cryptic negative shit. Vent over coffee to a friend or write it in a diary. Nothing good ever comes from talking shit online.
jburr008: Pretty much. Employers look at FB now for a judge of character.
S0LDIER-X: This is true. I had a teacher tell me that if the person hiring has to choose between you and another, and you're more qualified but your facebook shows you out partying all night, they'll skip past you.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1410319911 | 1410326345 | t3_2fz2j3 | t5_2to41 | -2 | PM_ME_TITS_FOR_HUGS: TIFU by petting my cat
So today I was home alone just petting my cat, feeling lonely my natural instinct is to pull up some porn so I did that. After about 5 minutes I feel a burning feeling in my urethra. This is when I had my "oh shit" moment and realized what I had done. After 10 minutes I was in so much pain it was unbearable. I eventually got the hairs out after quite a bit of pain. LPT: always wash your hands before you decide to jerk it. TLDR petted my pussy and my dickhole was in a lot of pain
Move_Weight: Cool story. So you found out why humans like to masturbate?
PM_ME_TITS_FOR_HUGS: I don't see how this has anything to do with the TIFU
Move_Weight: Relates to you though
jburr008: Wat
| 5 | -0.4 | |
1410317325 | 1410350566 | t3_2fyyhb | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex in the Bath Tub.
So I decided to have sex in the bath tub, and in my tub there is a Shallow Section, and Deep Section.
I Decide to Fill it up enough So that way my chest is underwater while she holds my head above water.
Due to me being bald, my head can be quite Slippery when Wet, So Guess what Happened?
Yep. Her hand Slipped, My head went under the Water.
Que Panicking. I Start to flail, and in the process, i kick her in the tit.
TL;DR Panicked and kicked SO in the Tit.
LandonCassill40: How Fucking Big is your bathtub?
[deleted]: Not Massive, but its longer Length Wise (Roughly 8 Feet Long, 4 Feet Wide)
glottal__stop: That is a long ass tub.
[deleted]: It does have a good width Shelf, So while its 8 Feet long, theres roughly 6 Feet laying distance.
glottal__stop: Man, I used to love a good bath when I was younger. But even though I'm fairly small, my tub is far too small for comfort. When I own my own place, the first thing I'm buying is a large, jetted tub.
[deleted]: Yeah, Its a good thing when you aren't getting Fucked and drowned.
totes_meta_bot: This thread has been linked to from elsewhere on reddit.
- [/r/nocontext] [Yeah, Its a good thing when you aren't getting Fucked and drowned.](http://np.reddit.com/r/nocontext/comments/2fzxy1/yeah_its_a_good_thing_when_you_arent_getting/)
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| 8 | 3.375 | |
1410322139 | 1410356553 | t3_2fz5j3 | t5_2to41 | 6 | jojolar98: TIFU by wiping my mouth with the boxers I use as a cum rag.
I was having a vape (shout out to /r/electronic_cigarette) and got e juice in my mouth. Reached for the nearest thing to wipe it out of my lip and grabbed my cum boxers.
jburr008: So you wiped E Juice, with D Juice. Interesting trade off. Bold move Cotton.
jojolar98: Did not pay off...
| 3 | 2 | |
1410322425 | 1410326615 | t3_2fz5w0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | jsolowa: TIFU by telling TIFU that they FU but not T
Seriously? TIFU ... Today I Fucked Up. Not Y(esterday)IFU, not T(his) O(ne) T(ime) F(ive) Y(ears) A(go) IFU.
advocate_devils: Rule number 1 from the sidebar:
>All titles must start with "TIFU". However, your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today.
So, I think the only problem here is you.
Doktag: TOPFU
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410313713 | 1410371070 | t3_2fyskz | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by Riding the School Bus that Hit a Truck
This isn't really my fuck up, but it must be posted. So here it is.I left for the bus stop on the first day of school. Totally normal: did my make up, ate breakfast, etc. I got to the stop and waited. Eventually everyone at my stop was there. No bus. We waited. My school starts at 7:10, the bell to get to class rings at 7:00. The bus was supposed to be here at 6:35. It was 6:50. At this point I was like, "Where the fuck is my bus?!" One of my friends asked someone who rode the same bus but was the stop ahead of us. She said, "Oh My God! The bus just hit a truck!" At that moment my parents drive up and are like yeah, what bus do you ride? We hear that the bus for route [bus route omitted] was hit by a truck. I found out that the bus driver didn't want to stop at the intersection for the truck and kept going. The windshield of the bus popped out. It was hilarious. The worst part: the same bus driver was there the next day! Damn bitch. My fuck up was trusting the school system to provide a responsible bus driver. The bus driver was awful (I had her last year also).
BigBobsBootyBarn: Side note: People keep complaining about no seat belts in buses, but you don't need them. We got hit at a railroad crossing (where buses have to come to a complete stop) on a highway where the speed limit was 65. There was a slight nudge in the back, and then the remnants of a car went flying by. Luckily the person was okay, and that's the day I realized that school buses are in fact giant yellow tanks.
YesItIsMaybeMe: "Giant yellow tanks"
Lol!
I heard that on the bus it felt like a tap. The entire front end of the truck was annihilated.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Yep. Throw a dirt clod at a boulder and you always know what the outcome is.
YesItIsMaybeMe: Pick me pick me!
The boulder shatters! I know it!
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410322514 | 1410330529 | t3_2fz60l | t5_2to41 | 14 | i_am_a_dumbass_ama: TIFUpdate- Fighting my friend's dad...in court
The first part is here. Read it befroe reading this. http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fj1vn/tifu_by_fighting_my_friends_dad/
First I'd like to clear up some things. There were a few misconceptions about the first part. First, some people (sorry can't format properly, on mobile) like this guy http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fj1vn/tifu_by_fighting_my_friends_dad/ck9qfem and this guy http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fj1vn/tifu_by_fighting_my_friends_dad/ck9svtn misread that she is 14 and I am 15. Other way around. And some people thought I just randomly started hitting her dad. No, it got to angry argument beforehand. Anyway, on to the rest of the story.
As some of you may know, my newly-lawyered cousin Vinny is representing me in court against assault charges. I called him before court today basically to say I'm sorry and ask how he was doing. Apparently he got a broken nose. Then at 3:00 PM court starts.
Apparently my phone call had some effect- he didn't seem very mad. Long story short, it ended with the decision that I played for his hospital bills (I can pay it on my own, I've got about $3000 saved up. I can still be friends with his daughter but I'm likely to never step foot in his house again. He was trying to get some more money out of it too (considering the fact that just the hospital bills isn't much for something as stupid as what I did) but Vincent was pretty damn good. I talked to her (my friend) and she's not mad at me (for whatever reason) and overall, I still fucked up, but I lessened the fuck up (or more specifically, Vince did).
Smitty9913: You said that he herd you guys, what was she doing screaming?
i_am_a_dumbass_ama: Nope, apparently their walls aren't as soundproof as mine. Although we (mostly her, she's noisy) were making a fair amount of noise he wouldn't have heard it very loudly if the walls weren't shit
Smitty9913: So you guys are just "friends", I am assuming you lost your V-card to her. Do you think the father will ever forgive you?
i_am_a_dumbass_ama: You're right and I'm not sure but probably not. He's been a nice guy before but what happened is definitely crossing the line.
Smitty9913: That sucks (again no pun intended) Just wondering what state or major city do you live in, Want to no if part of Bible Belt.
i_am_a_dumbass_ama: I live in Wisconsin. Nice place but cold.
Smitty9913: Chicago all the way!!! Do you know were green lake is in wisconson?
i_am_a_dumbass_ama: Yeah. Also Chicago is in Illinois iirc but maybe I'm getting it mixed up
Smitty9913: yea I know but Chicago is close to the border with Wisconsin
i_am_a_dumbass_ama: Ah, I see
| 11 | 1.272727 | |
1410322819 | 1410359904 | t3_2fz6fl | t5_2to41 | 7 | leduardo: TIFU by telling a Army recruiter I didn't want to join the reserves after going through some paperwork.
A little background
I got +20 credit hours in my college transcripts, I'm not a US citizen yet for what I thought it would be a good idea to serve in the military to get my citizenship and some college money. Plus the college credits would give an opportunity to get a higher rank or something like that according to the recruiter.
So a few days ago I decided to go talk to the people Navy recruitment office because why not mofuuggah I like the sea. After taking a asvab practice test they told me I could get more info if I scored more than 50 pts. So I say well shit, let's go home and study for a couple of weeks and then try to score higher than 50.
As I walk towards my car a US Army intercepts me and say hello to me squeezes my hand and ask me to stop by his recruitment office, so me being a introverted dude who doesn't know how to say "no thanks" I walk in and tell him more about what are my goals and why I'd join. He starts telling me how other branches of the military suck and that I should join the US Army. So we keep talking and he ask me more about myself and then hands me a bunch of sheets to check boxes in just to see if I pre-qualify. He says "it's fine we just wanna know if you don't have any problems to qualify" After I'm done I say I truly want to become in the nurse corps or anything related to healthcare in the military. So I'm about to leave and he tells me we should go to a SSN office to check my name matches my social and greencard and other documents. And that's when I say to myself "well I think I'm ok I'm just requesting information" but I don't say shit and I agree to meet with him again the next day (for fucks sake leduardo). So there I am at school helping a lady that doesn't know English to enroll in classes and then I get a call - fuck I forgot I agreed to met with the recruiter.
So he tells me he's in my school looking for me and I'm thinking - why the fuck did I agree to meet with him if I just wanted to know about the reserves. So we go to the SSN office and we wait for our turn. Then we talk more about all the benefits about joining and the like.
There comes our turn and we go, after that he talks to me about testing and the kind of occupational positions I can have after basic training and then I realised, 'what the fuck dude, you don't really know you wanna do this, you were just requesting information and you're already scheduling for testing.' he drops me and he hands me my documents but then he says he's going to keep my social security card and I stupidly let him take it because he says he needs it. Then I study for a little but at the library until I pick my dad up.
First I am feeling a total badass walking with soldiers behind me in my college then I start thing about what I just did and I start to feel an intense feeling of regret, I'm home all sweaty and nervous can't do homework or anything else but thinking about it. Then I talk to my parents and they says the benefits sound nice but that I should do what I want since I am an adult 'confident' of himself. Hours go by and I say to myself 'dude, this is not a decision you make from one day to the other, and feeling like a pussy I send a text message to the sergeant telling him I'm not really psychologically prepared to make a decision (I hadn't signed any contracts, or sworn anything) then I get a text back from him, and I'm sure as shit he was pissed the fuck off, telling me why the hell we spend so many hours talking if I hadn't made up my mind. I got a letter from the nursing school I applied for that I was selected for an interview and before anything I wanna know of I was going to get accepted or not. Then I would talk to recruiters. He had already scheduled my test day and all that, he
TL;DR I done fucked up by not knowing how to say no to an army recruiter. He still has my social security card. And I don't have the balls to stop by the office and ask him to give it back to me.
shroomigator: Or you could just call his superior officer and explain that the guy took your social security and tried all kinds of shit to pressure you and won't give you your card back, and i guarantee you'll get your card back and if you ask for a pizza you'll get that too.
banyt: do this.
that dude was out of line.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410326732 | 1410331151 | t3_2fzbnl | t5_2to41 | 10 | leduardo: TIFU by telling a Army recruiter I didn't want to join the reserves after going through some paperwork.
A little background
I got +20 credit hours in my college transcripts, I'm not a US citizen yet for what I thought it would be a good idea to serve in the military to get my citizenship and some college money. Plus the college credits would give an opportunity to get a higher rank or something like that according to the recruiter.
So a few days ago I decided to go talk to the people Navy recruitment office because why not mofuuggah I like the sea. After taking a asvab practice test they told me I could get more info if I scored more than 50 pts. So I say well shit, let's go home and study for a couple of weeks and then try to score higher than 50.
As I walk towards my car a US Army intercepts me and say hello to me squeezes my hand and ask me to stop by his recruitment office, so me being a introverted dude who doesn't know how to say "no thanks" I walk in and tell him more about what are my goals and why I'd join. He starts telling me how other branches of the military suck and that I should join the US Army. So we keep talking and he ask me more about myself and then hands me a bunch of sheets to check boxes in just to see if I pre-qualify. He says "it's fine we just wanna know if you don't have any problems to qualify" After I'm done I say I truly want to become in the nurse corps or anything related to healthcare in the military. So I'm about to leave and he tells me we should go to a SSN office to check my name matches my social and greencard and other documents. And that's when I say to myself "well I think I'm ok I'm just requesting information" but I don't say shit and I agree to meet with him again the next day (for fucks sake leduardo). So there I am at school helping a lady that doesn't know English to enroll in classes and then I get a call - fuck I forgot I agreed to met with the recruiter.
So he tells me he's in my school looking for me and I'm thinking - why the fuck did I agree to meet with him if I just wanted to know about the reserves. So we go to the SSN office and we wait for our turn. Then we talk more about all the benefits about joining and the like.
There comes our turn and we go, after that he talks to me about testing and the kind of occupational positions I can have after basic training and then I realised, 'what the fuck dude, you don't really know you wanna do this, you were just requesting information and you're already scheduling for testing.' he drops me and he hands me my documents but then he says he's going to keep my social security card and I stupidly let him take it because he says he needs it. Then I study for a little but at the library until I pick my dad up.
First I am feeling a total badass walking with soldiers behind me in my college then I start thing about what I just did and I start to feel an intense feeling of regret, I'm home all sweaty and nervous can't do homework or anything else but thinking about it. Then I talk to my parents and they says the benefits sound nice but that I should do what I want since I am an adult 'confident' of himself. Hours go by and I say to myself 'dude, this is not a decision you make from one day to the other, and feeling like a pussy I send a text message to the sergeant telling him I'm not really psychologically prepared to make a decision (I hadn't signed any contracts, or sworn anything) then I get a text back from him, and I'm sure as shit he was pissed the fuck off, telling me why the hell we spend so many hours talking if I hadn't made up my mind. I got a letter from the nursing school I applied for that I was selected for an interview and before anything I wanna know of I was going to get accepted or not. Then I would talk to recruiters. He had already scheduled my test day and all that, he's fucking pissed.
TL;DR I done fucked up by not knowing how to say no to an army recruiter. He still has my social security card. And I don't have the balls to stop by the office and ask him to give it back to me. He hasn't answered.
[deleted]: Hey. Fuck him. You owe him nothing. This was a learning experience and no, you DIDN'T fuck up. Tell him you want your SS card back. You aren't less of a man because he'd intimidated you. .. he's TRAINED to intimidate you.
I love the military but you aren't ready. Give it another few months or a year. This is your decision. Stop sweating it. If you don't get your SS card back, you have two choices: Tell him you want it or you'll call his commanding officer OR forget about it and get a duplicate.
Again. . Don't sweat this. ENJOY YOUR LIFE
leduardo: Thanks, I'm really interested but I need to put my priorities in order (plus my dad doesn't give a fuck about us). There's a lot going on in my household. I'm grateful I was allowed to live in the US I love it here. I want to contribute and give back. We're going through financial hardship and that's why I considered the military, I'm sure I can do it but I won't decide it over a night.
[deleted]: Good for you. I'm a dad with several kids. I'M proud of you. .. you are a credit to your family and you ARE a better American in my opinion than so many of the morons born here.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1410327278 | 1410349151 | t3_2fzc9z | t5_2to41 | 7 | mikenikepro: TIFU by dropping my phone
Today started out as a great day. I got out of school, drove over and picked up destiny, and drove home swiftly to play. I'm getting ready to play for hours, so I grab a drink which I have in my right hand and destiny in my left. I place my phone on the destiny case and make my way upstairs to the ps4. I make it all the way, almost to my door and *woosh* my new Iphone 5s soars off the game and miraculously through the dowels of the hand rail... Now its completely demolished and won't start *greaaaat*.
Proof: http://i.imgur.com/YCQHVJs.jpg
hazardousduke: At least on the bright side I have a boner currently.
uui8457: TMI, but ok, good for you.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410327717 | 1410377666 | t3_2fzcs2 | t5_2to41 | 173 | EvilBrennan: TIFU by telling my boss my family cannibalized little girls
I can joke around with my boss. She's great! This time I went a bit too far me thinks.
So, I get to work and we start talking about what sort of illnesses run in out family. She doesn't have a lot, but I tell her that my family have a history of heart disease, bad vision, insanity, and one instance of cannibalism.
I get a raised eyebrow so I tell her the story.
In our history book that my great grandmother wrote, there are a hundred little details on weddings, births, and travels. There is exactly one tiny footnote about how a family got trapped in a snowfall and resorted to cannibalism to stay alive. And seriously, that's all it fucking says. Really wish we could have not known the colours of my great great great great aunt Mildred's bridesmaids dresses for a little more detail on that whole, 'eating people' thing, but what can you do?
I paraphrase that to my boss, and she laughs and says, "Well sometimes you hear about little girls, and sometimes you hear about cannibalism."
Then, of course, like a fucking maniac, I go, "Sometimes they're not mutually exclusive!"
If pins fell from the sky, I could tell you the exact number that landed.
She gave me that look that said, "There was a line there and you just jumped the fuck over it."
I went back to work. Quickly.
5unbr0: She wants the *D*.
wraithpriest:
But she gave the *D:*
Chicaman: Or just eat her D;
teiu88: ;D
The_rusty_sausage: Penis
| 6 | 28.833333 | |
1410326648 | 1410350335 | t3_2fzbjs | t5_2to41 | 16 | Rantte: TIFU By Grabbing My Bra Instead of a Weapon
So this probably isn't all that funny, but here goes..
About a month ago, my husband and I moved into a new apartment -- nearly twice the size for the same price and a good part of town. We'd lived in the building before, so when we found the opening we were thrilled. The only problem? There are reports of units broken into and pests. I have anxiety issues anyway, so we armed ourselves with tons of plastic containers to keep critters out of our food and an alarm system. We informed the manager of the alarm system and even gave her a code just for the maintenance guy to use when he comes in.
About a week and a half ago, we had the electricians in because neither of the sockets on the wall outlet worked. As he tried to diagnose the problem, there was apparently a power surge, outlet my computer is plugged into let off and large spark that made everyone jump and then there was a smell of something burning. Turns out, my battery backup, my husband's charger and spare battery for his drill which was in the same socket, and a stereo in another part of the living room were all fried.
Fast forward to today. I'm getting ready for work. With butt-length hair, I tend to get undressed, put on pants, do my hair, then go find a bra and shirt. This morning, it's about 8:30 and just as I'm in the "do my hair" phase, I hear the alarm begin beeping, as it does when one of the sensors is tripped.
Okay. No big deal. Normally, my husband would be gone by 7:30, but he had an appointment at 10 and decided not to go to work until afterwards. So I assume he just ran out to get donuts or something. But.. the beeping doesn't stop. And I hear voices, including the manager. Oh, she must have let herself in for some reason or he flagged her down about something. Okay. I'm sure he's talking to her and the alarm will stop any time now. But.. it's been about 15 of the 30 seconds until the alarm goes off.
I dash the eighteen or so feet from the bathroom to the laundry basket of my clothes that are worn more than once -- jeans, pajamas and, most importantly to me at this moment since I'm topless, my bras. After a frantic search that felt like it was forever, but really only a second or two, I find a bra, fumble to put it on... just as the beeping starts to double-time, telling me I'm in the last five seconds until the alarm starts.
A smart woman probably would have grabbed a tank top instead of a bra. Or, even, ignored the bra and shirt altogether in favor of the 5 inch folding knife or one of two handguns in the bedroom. Nope. Not me. I'm still sure my husband is going to get to the alarm before I do or that I must be perfectly safe, because I'm sure I hear the manager.
So now that I have some amount of modesty, if no way to protect myself, I run the 30 feet down the hall, around the corner and to the keypad, past my husband's closed office door, past the two electricians who are standing in my living room and past the manager, just as the alarm starts to go off.
I yell at her, asking why she didn't ring the doorbell as I punch in the wrong code -- three times. Once the alarm is off, she tells me that she knocked, twice and called "Maintenance" when they opened the door. All I can figure is that she didn't call very loudly, since I heard the beeping as soon as it started, but didn't hear her yell anything.
At this point, I become even more aware of the two strange men standing in my living room and the fact that they're seeing more of me than I'm especially happy with, retreat to open my husband's office door so he can deal with them while I put on clothes and find him only zipping up his pants. Apparently he didn't hear the warning beeps at all over whatever tv show he was streaming, and by the time he heard people and went to deal with them, I was charging down the hall, so he decided he could take the time to put on pants, instead of greeting them in his boxer-briefs.
TL;DR: Manager and electricians come in the apartment without warning while I'm getting dressed. I decide my modesty is more important than arming myself at a potential robbery and go to turn off the alarm in just my jeans and a bra.
Edit: Minor typos.
878lettuces: I don't know about where you live but here a manger/landlord coming onto our property without 24 hours warning (or legitimate belief of a critical emergency) is breaking the law big time.
As a tenant you have a right to privacy and to feel safe in your home. You didn't fuck up they did.
Rantte: Yeah, I'm in SoCal. I know she's absolutely not allowed to enter without notice I don't know why in the hell she would, especially with workmen a half hour before she even starts work for the day. If anything remotely happens like that again, I'll be raising hell with the landlords.
Worst part is, the building is hotel style and all the even numbered apartment doors are in pairs. She's in 2 and we're in 4, so our doors are in the alcove together. She could have left a note on the door to have us come pick up the battery backup, which is what the electricians were delivering.
She DID leave a mortified apology note between when they left and when I left for work.
Silverlight42: Don't wait until it happens again.
Either
1 - you don't want it to happen, so talk to her and remind her that it's against the law and you'll pursue it if she does it again -- doesn't matter if you're there or not.
2 - you want to nail her for it.. see a lawyer, etc.
Ignoring the situation and waiting for it to happen again is kinda childish.
| 4 | 4 | |
1410325128 | 1410352808 | t3_2fz9pe | t5_2to41 | 10 | Jack_Pepper: TIFU by insulting the the president of the company I work for
This happened several weeks ago, but I just discovered this subreddit and thought it would be a good TIFU.
I work at a pizza place that is part of a corporate restaurant group in my city. I'm a delivery driver but I also answer phones to take carry-out orders. I have hearing loss and our phones are pretty crappy, so its sometimes difficult to hear. I asked the callers name, and I heard something like "Mucky", which didn't sound right, so I asked him to repeat it.
"MAH-KEY" I heard again.
"Markey?" I asked?
"No, MAHN KEY"
"Are you saying Monkey?"
"Yes!"
(Uh, ok? Moving on...) I took his order, which was a complicated order with gluten free crust, several double toppings, ect... all the while I'm thinking "This guy is spending a fortune on two pizzas". After I got off the phone, I verify with the manager on duty how to handle all the upcharges and he commented on the 'Monkey' name. "I don't know, that's what he said" I said shrugging.
Fast forward 10 minutes and a guy comes up to a counter and says he's there for a pick-up. "Are you Monkey?" I asked.
"You want to keep your job after calling me that?" he replied.
He didn't look pissed and the manager was standing right there so we both kinda laughed it off figuring he was just messing around. I told him his total, and he slid a card across the counter. It wasn't a credit card, but a manager discount card with his name on it.
My heart stopped when I saw it. "Monty [Last Name]"
Monty, the owner of Monty's [Name of restaurant].
Monty, the president and CEO of the company that his restaurant and the restaurant I am working at are part of.
I had never met the man and only had seen him briefly in an orientation video, so I didn't even recognize him and neither did the manager on duty.
"Oh my God. MONTY... I am so sorry, it was hard to hear you, blah, blah, blah...." I was stammering. My manager took over and helped him from then on out. I was completely horrified, totally embarrassed, and feared I just lost my job. I just kept working, answering phone calls, and avoided eye contact with him. After the manager got his order to him, he handed me a fiver and said "Thanks for being a good sport." I was still on the phone, so just smiled and nodded.
Luckily there were no repercussions. My General Manager heard about it and laughed. It was pretty much the talk of the restaurant for the next few days, so I had to relive the embarrassment as I retold the story several times. Occasionally someone will make a Monkey comment as well.
The lesson learned was: No matter how awkward it might be to do so, ask for a spelling of the name if you're not sure.
TLDR version: I called the President and CEO of the company I work for "Monkey"
hazardousduke: Next time he orders smear your dick in the pizza next time.
weoewopwe: FIRE FIRE FIRE!!! IT BURNSSSSSSSS!!!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410331452 | 1410363652 | t3_2fzgox | t5_2to41 | 49 | pnrlover: TIFU by trying to get my mother to like my boyfriend.
catsnstuffz: "without giving away too many deets" what is her mom on reddit too? 100 golds to whoever can find ops mom
EvilAbedsBeard: Im the mom, gimme gold
BAM5: Fuck the comment. You get an upvote for that username!
EvilAbedsBeard: Cool, cool cool cool
BAM5: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SygxXD68Ex8/UURV0KqCilI/AAAAAAAAARY/vGMAndEjNig/s400/nv5xsz.gif
| 6 | 8.166667 | |
1410332863 | 1410337513 | t3_2fzi44 | t5_2to41 | 8 | kmarens: TIFU by accidentally finding boyfriend watched porn
So as the title states.
I was messing around on the PS4 today and made my way to the web browser, low and behold it shows you "recently viewed websites ".
My boyfriend and I have been together 5-6 months. When we first met he told me he was active with NoFap, which clearly isn't the case any longer...and I can't unsee what I saw and he has definitely hurt my trust because I've asked him if he watches porn and he lied...oops
DivinePrince: NoFap is very unhealthy.
Watching porn is very healthy.
Losing trust because he watches porn is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
He was probably afraid that you would judge him for doing something that any man in a relationship should be allowed to do. :)
kmarens: It's not that hes not allowed to do it, I was under the impression he was doing the NoFap thing so it just came as a shock to find that.
DivinePrince: A lot of guys can't do it for too long. It's not healthy because a lack of release of stress will make you grumpy, anxious etc... Masturbating is a way to relieve stress healthily.
elit69: said a creepy anon typing from his right hand
DivinePrince: Who would that be?
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1410333029 | 1410336100 | t3_2fzi97 | t5_2to41 | 20 | hornyassshorthairedc: tifu by calling my ex a "horny ass short haired fuck bag"
this literally just happened, but heres some backstory
so i broke up with my ex today, it was bad. real bad. we had been together for 13 months, and a series of shitty things made today happen. I've been taking it super badly, she was one of those girls where you're just like "theres no fucking way I'm actually fucking this girl right meow." so anyways, we got in a fight today, she was yelling, i was yelling, the cat was scared shitless. so ya know i left to go kick it and hit some bowls with a buddy, take my mind off it as much as i can
my bud said, hey man go on *tinder* and bang something tonight. well, i swiped and swiped and swiped some more. i had a few matches (I'm honestly not bad looking, not to brag just for context) within a couple hours. i had been talking to this damn cute girl, small, cute green/blue eyes, and one of them short cuts, i like it.
so we're talking and talking, i eventually ask her for her number. we keep talking and we both just start getting more into it with the flirting, we're basically fucking over a text message at this point. i was gonna take off from my homies to go meet her and in one of those "wow I'm fucking stoned and just blew it" moments, i had sent a text saying "I'm on my way to you my horny ass short haired fuck bag" to my ex, instead of tinder girl.
she has yet to respond
i am on my way to the bag now!
_Pornosonic_: Woah. You are an ass. That is disrespectful even by my low standards of talking to girls.
hornyassshorthairedc: you should have heard what she called me;)
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1410338298 | 1410366729 | t3_2fzmts | t5_2to41 | 165 | Kroenen97: Tifu by meeting my girlfriends parents
My gf of two months decides it's time for me to meet her parents for the first time. Naturally I agree and on the day am very nervous. We meet and I drive her to her parents house for lunch, on the way we have an argument and she is silent the whole way there. I asked her if there is anything I should know and she ignored me. I knock on the door and am greeted by a very large black woman and, as my gf is the whitest woman you will ever meet, I exclaim "you're black!" And stared at her. My gf failed to mention she was adopted.
Tl;dr met my gfs parents and shouted at them "you're black" and stare, only to find out she was adopted
_Pornosonic_: Came to my gf's place. Turns out my dad is her dad's boss. Her mom works for my dad, too. Uncomfortableness ensued, because my dad is not nice people to his employees. Pay is good, but he is extremely demanding and not nice.
dontdoitplz: Tell your dad they are your gfs parents and to be nice to them. Who knows they may be grateful.
crander47: Hmm your words say yes your user name says no....what to do, what to do.
DevinEngland: Why did I read that in Cartman's voice?
| 5 | 33 |
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