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1410341302 | 1410360764 | t3_2fzpca | t5_2to41 | 37 | mars4242: TIFU by not eating enough, and scaring my little daughter for life
Today i Fucked Up, or rather Saturday I fucked up.
A neighbor collapsed Friday evening from an epileptic seizure. While he was at the hospital with his wife, I took their two boys (11 and 8) over, entertaining them with a movie and some snacks.
Long story short, I got to bed rather late (past 1am), and was extremely tired the morning after. We had to wake up at 6:30 am, because my wife was going to a marked-thingy.
My 7 years old boy was at my in-laws, so I was alone with my 3,5 years old daughter. She was supposed to be at a play date at 12, so I thought 'yay - a morning on the couch, just watching cartoons with my daughter and sleeping!'.
I set my phone to alarm me at 11:30, so I would not accidently sleep from the play date.
Now, I am a type 1 diabetic, and I must have been eating less breakfast than I thought - and thus taken too much insulin. But sleeping relative heavy, I didn't feel anything before 10:30 when I woke, feeling a clearly low blood sugar level. I go the kitchen, measuring my blood sugar - it's at 1.7 (normal healthy people is about 4-7) - Way to low!
A bowl of jelly from the night before was on the kitchen table; I take a handful and stuff it in... And I'm gone...
The alarm on my phone wakes me at 11:30 (about one full hour later), I'm on the couch (have no idea how I got there). It HURTS - from back of my head, from my right shoulder and in general from my entire body.
My daughter, sitting in the other end of the couch, burst a happy (relieved?) "DAD!". I look at my hands, they are covered in blood. The back of my head hurts, and my hair is dripping with blood.
I stumble to my feet, and make it to the kitchen where a large pool of blood is on the floor, and the kitchen cabinets have blood splattered.
I eat some to make sure I won't pass out again. I remember my daughter, asking her if she's okay. She looks a little scared, but confirms.
So I clean up the mess, and heads for the bathroom to see how bad I look (still planning to drive my daughter to her play date). My face is covered in blood... Well, time for a bath.
I DID deliver my daughter to the play date just a little late. Went home tried to relax a little and clean up the rest of the blood. The back of my head wouldn't stop bleeding, so I eventually went to the hospital. They sewed the rather big gash together, and sent me home.
Now 4 days later, it still hurts, but at least it seems my poor little daughter handles it quite well :-)
- Oh, and by the way, the neighbor with the epileptic seizure is just fine again :-)
UPDATE:
Thanks a lot for many kind concerns :-)
Some questions have been about the 1.7 I measured. It's 1.7 mmol/l - which is the SI of measuring blood sugar levels. In America, apparently, you use some other unit mg/dL. According to http://www.onlineconversion.com/blood_sugar.htm 1.7 mmol/l = 30.6 mg/dl.
Normal values range 80-100 mg/dL.
Some others have commended on my daughter. She still seems to be doing really fine, and I'm pretty proud of her :-)
I went to the hospital yesterday, talking about insulin - I have had many more blood sugar measurements too low or too high since I switched from Novo Nordic's Levemir to Lantus Solostar (I reakted to Levemir). The doctor recommended that I get a insulin pump, so I'll try that :-)
Lakonthegreat: Uhm what type of meter are you using? I call bullshit. Glucometers measure in milliequivelants per deciliter and are denoted without decimal points. Normal blood sugar readings for adults are 80-100, anything lower is hypoglycemic and anything over is hyperglycemic.
mars4242: I use this: https://www.accu-chek.dk/dk/produkter/apparater/mobile.html
It's a danish site as I live in Denmark. Here we measures in mmol/L - you can read about units on wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_sugar
edit: spelling
edit 2: 1.7 mmol/l = 30.6 mg/dl according to http://www.onlineconversion.com/blood_sugar.htm
Lakonthegreat: I stand corrected.
That's what I get for being a menial American respiratory therapist.
mars4242: No problem :-)
You american just need to convert to SI units ;-)
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1410342231 | 1410355119 | t3_2fzq6i | t5_2to41 | 15 | burritobattlefield: TIFU: By accidentally telling a girl on snapchat to kill her brother who has severe down syndrome with fire.
I considered making a throwaway for this one but I'm too lazy. Around 30 minutes ago I was scrolling through my snapchat story feed. My feed usually has a shit tonne of stories because I once thought it was a good idea to chuck my snapchat name in some stupid facebook group, this causes me to skip through a heap of random people so I can only view my friends snaps. Today however I was really bored and going through everyone's stories. A few snaps in I happened upon a story of a particularly ugly spider. I decided it would be funny to send a snap back saying "Ew, kill it with fire". After sending that snap and having a little chuckle to myself, I went back to browsing and the same girl had updated her story. I opened it. It was a picture of her and her younger brother who has severe down syndrome. Realizing my mistake I quickly switched back to my feed to send her a snap explaining myself.
"Opened"
"Screenshot"
And now I am constantly getting snaps from her friends abusing me, she has not replied to me over messenger, snapchat or text.
Tl;dr Told a girl to kill her severely disabled brother with fire.
Silverlight42: maybe I don't understand snapchat, but how does a reply to a pic of a spider get confused for the other pic of her brother?
Is it like she edited it, and changed the pic? Why would they allow this or still link the replies to it when they're obviously not going to be relevant at all anymore.
burritobattlefield: Snapchat doesn't work in a reply to each picture type thing like facebook or reddit, it's more like messenger, actually, I'd describe it as picture messenger. It's like if I send you a pm, and as you are replying I send you another pm, but the pms are pictures of spiders and my brother. By the time you reply to the spuder picture, I have sent the other picture to you. That is exactly what happened except I was you, and that girl was me. Also the snaps self destruct after 10 seconds.
Silverlight42: aha. that makes sense. though if she'd just sent the spider pic, and brother pic.. you'd think she'd understand that kill it with fire obviously is in reference to the spider... wouldn't she?
burritobattlefield: You'd think so, unfortunately not.
| 5 | 3 | |
1410342457 | 1410362508 | t3_2fzqch | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU By body slamming a girl WWE style on my coffee table
So this is about 6 months back with a girl who I had been hanging out with and had casual sex with. Got off work and we decided to hang out with a bottle of champagne and some weed. We hang out for a bit talking and shoot the shit in my backyard for a while. She lives nearby and so it's super low key. She is really rad to hang out with. We end up on my couch making out. I'm sitting on the couch and she is straddling me. It's getting a bit hot and heavy along with that whole make out touchy shit, but it's getting late in the night, close to 4am. I'm done fucking around and decide its time to make a move. My drunken self thinks I am able to pick her up...cause you know, I'm a man and shit. Well my balance was a bit off...especially when I stood up. She is not huge but has some thickness to her. The thickness any guy who likes a good ass would be in to. I reach around her legs and decide to be fucking Hulk Hogan. Well, I'm not Hulk Hogan. The moment she wraps her legs around me and I pick her up to carry her to my bed, I realize I should not be doing this. I immediately get top heavy as I straighten my legs and lock them like I'm in the goddamn military or something. I quickly realize my center of gravity is very high with her koala bear grip. I'm not centered at all and start falling forward. My coffee table is in front of me and there is nothing I can do but accept the inevitable. I drop her on my table, some would say slam. I would assume if there was a person watching this encounter they would have seen me pick her up and smash her into my coffee table. Well, I try to catch my fall as we are headed down but the fucking table explodes into kindling as gravity proves the winner in this game. While doing so I put my hands out before she crashes through the table smashing it on top of my hands. Because I catch myself and not her, the table destroys everything in its path. I end up ripping a huge part of my thumb skin off as well as the flesh between my thumb and pointer finger off. It's deep. I will have a scar here for the rest of my life along with a great(fake) story for the grandkids. I apologize profusely while she is laughing hysterically because she has suffered no injury whatsoever. My hand is fucked badly. She is okay but I have messed up my hand pretty bad and am bleeding a lot. She is so nice that she helps me clean the wound and wrap it up.
Now, this is where you have to understand that we are not on the same level when it comes to relationships and stuff. She wraps my hands with gauze and is still willing to hang out with me after I go all Steve Austin on her. So we end up back in my bed. Continues to get steamy. We have had sex several times before mind you. The only thing you could call clothing at this point would be the shit wrapped around my hand. We are completely naked in my bed. My P is touching her V, not in it but rubbing. Forget the whole slamming her through my coffee table garbage. I've 'worked' hard for this and have the(soon to be) scars to prove it. Well as my cock is rubbing against her clit and she is super into it, she stops.......
She pulls away slightly and says that she does not want to have sex. Now, understand I am super cool with not having sex with people. Who doesn't enjoy a warm body and a nice snuggle, but literally less than 60 seconds before she mentions her preference to cuddling, she was grinding her labia upon my boner. I'm confused, drunk, hurt(physically), a bit frustrated, and high. I decide to say the most gentlemanly thing I could think of which was "Well then why the fuck are you here? It's 4am, we are naked and you are grinding your pussy on my cock."
This comes to her as a bit of a revelation. She sits up, stares at my wall for a quick second and says "You're right."
Stands up and walks to my bathroom where she takes a piss.
As she walks out she begins to lecture me on her viewpoint of relationships. She wants a prince. Someone who will love her when she is a bitch and irrational. Who will just do what she wants and how there are no good guys out there who love God and want to treat a woman like the little orchids they are.
I'm floored. Even my hammered self can't understand this logic. I apologize for not making my intentions completely clear. I explain to her I believe the male/female interaction is based on mutual respect and autonomy. I want to be with someone who loves themselves without needing another person for validation.
I understand the influence of alcohol and it's sometimes frightening relation to physical attraction with other people. Most people have woke up with the "ohhhh fuuuckk that's not what I wanted to do." I know I was drunk and a bit brash, but I don't want to be with someone who feels like they are owed something based on fucked up social expectations. Do you girl.
Anyways, she left. I went to bed. I really enjoyed the freedom to spread out over my whole bed.
TL:DR Hulk Smash turned into a lifetime scar and a painful explanation to someone about how I view male/female interaction.
definingcat: This sounds fake. I don't know why, but it sounds fake...
BigBobsBootyBarn: Why does it sound fake? He tried to fuck standing up and fell over. Of all the bullshit posts on here I find this one pretty plausible.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1410343313 | 1410385943 | t3_2fzr2v | t5_2to41 | 465 | faerietale: TIFU by having a bad sense of humour at work.
An older work colleague stated she had "lost her cursor" on her computer screen. Me being the witty fellow that I am replied "I'll be the replacement for you! Shit, fuck, bollocks! Hahaha. Get it? A person who curses = a cursor?"
Needless to say, she was not at all impressed. (Either by my joke or the cursing, I'm not quite sure.) She has requested a desk-move and I've been getting dirty looks from her all morning.
DigitalFruitcake: I hate people like that. Lighten the fuck up, am I right?
faerietale: I know, I can't tell whether I feel bad for what I said or annoyed at how she took it!
dongSOwrong68: Dont ever feel bad for some one else being a humorless old crusty hag.
AjaxLeGreat: Crusty
FmMan3: Watch your language, you filthy swine!
I'm going to have to ask for a change in seating now.
roytheshort: If we all say Shit, then you will have nowhere to move.
fucema: shit. shit. shit.
| 8 | 58.125 | |
1410346770 | 1410360606 | t3_2fzubx | t5_2to41 | 14 | altnabla: TIFU by dropping a bag of spaghettis
OliStabilize: Was it moms spaghetti?
Koalaeater: Knees weak
OliStabilize: Palms are sweaty
Midnightbacon101: I guess that's why he dropped it
BigBobsBootyBarn: He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop spaghetti
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1410350700 | 1410385782 | t3_2fzygp | t5_2to41 | 34 | pardragon8: TIFU by saying yes to waiting in line with someone
Come to lunch she said, it will be fun she said.
I have been waiting in line for 1 hour and a half
_Pornosonic_: You should cough violently and pretend to have tuberculosis. Helps me sometimes.
pardragon8: Damn should of thought of that
OdiousMachine: Not to be rude, but it's should've, never should of.
iamthejed: "should have" works as well.
OdiousMachine: It's the same.
iamthejed: But different.
| 7 | 4.857143 | |
1410350072 | 1410397676 | t3_2fzxrh | t5_2to41 | 12,068 | BackJurden: TIFU by doing what my girlfriend asked
Last night, we were in bed and my girlfriend was scratching her eye viciously, complaining that she suffers from Chronic Dry Eye and not from Leaving Contacts in for Too Long. As we're in the spooning position, she finally sighs and asks me to "Make her cry" so her eye gets some moisture. I quickly think of how to do that on short notice.
Should I tickle her relentlessly?
Do I need to Ray Rice her?
And then a lightbulb goes off in my brain. I lean close to her ear and whisper to my girlfriend of over three years: "I've never really loved you."
Needless to say, tears were had. I'm not a smart man.
Edit: wow, my inbox. So a lot asked what happened afterwards. She was caught off guard because I said it so sternly like I meant it. I did not. I reaffirmed my love and did not have to sleep on the couch!
turtlesarerad14: are you both aware that there are things sold called eye drops?
[deleted]: What? What sort of nonsense are you toting?
pattybak3s: I think you buy someone else's tears and put them in your eyes.
YourWatchIsBroken: What? I'm starting my own business! yea^:(^here^comes^more^supply
Edit: about to start a surplus sale
Mehkiism13: Nobody ever wants to buy from you.
(I'm helping him increase his supply)
audentis: He's never gonna turn a profit like that. His inventory costs will only keep increasing.
retidder51: Inventory effects cash flow, not really profit ;)
Edit: besides for maybe tax purposes
audentis: Inventory brings extra overhead costs and, unless it helps you avoid missed sales by selling out, brings no extra revenue. Therefore it does affect profit, though not always negatively.
retidder51: >Inventory brings extra overhead costs...
Not exactly, overhead if I remember is distributed over inventory/mfg, if I remember correctly. That way inventory can actually bring down your overhead ratio, because it most likely will be the same costs. Storing inventory, at least for normal stuff, is usually no extra (or very little) expense besides negatively effecting liquidity (cash on hand/cash flow) because you used assets to acquire it. Does that kind of make sense? Many companies will raise inventory near the end of the taxable year to lower the taxable profit
Edit: clarity
audentis: I guess we have to zoom in a level, as it depends on what you're storing (edit: and how). Goods like food will need cooling, for example, costs of which scale with how much inventory is stored. Especially at bigger volumes this adds up as the cooling installations will have to work at higher capacity.
Edit: To get back to the original matter, if your inventory keeps increasing you will at some point need to get extra space though. With the joking parent posts, of never selling the collected tears, that would imply an ever growing inventory which would results in growing inventory costs because of the extra space required. Hence my comment of the costs increasing.
Your points apply in general, but only if the inventory doesn't grow past a particular maximum.
Doucheon_Mandick: I predict in the prolonged life of his business if inventory is considered, his marginal cost will more than likely exceed his marginal profit thus putting the "Tear Business" in a terminal state.
| 12 | 1,005.666667 | |
1410351678 | 1410390242 | t3_2fzzki | t5_2to41 | 1,421 | UnfortunateSword: TIFU by Plowng something I shouldn't
So, over the summer I'm working as a farmhand on a county-wide spread in the Texas Panhandle. 12-hour days for $10 an hour and weekends off. I string fence, I punch cattle, I bust my ass here for 4 months in 100 degree heat.
I am on my last week before leaving for school again. The bossman puts me on a tractor after I wrench my back pulling out a t-post and sets me out plowing fields.
This tractor he sets me on is less a tractor and more the result of a semi and an F-22 having a drunken one night stand. There's GPS steering, there's suspension so good I can't even feel bumps, there's a radio and sound system, and an AC that would give the devil frostbite!
For 4 days I ride this bad boy across field after field until Halle-friggin-lujah, my last day of working arrives! I spend the last 6 hours of my shift ploughing row after row when it starts to rain.
My boss, being the kind of guy who doesn't like equipment breaking or farmhands getting hurt, decides to call it a day 2 hours early. I geek the hell out and decide to head for the nearest road, seeing as I'd gotten previously unstick-able vehicles stuck in mud less thick than what I was in.
I kick the tractor into high gear and fly at a cool 12 miles an hour over the dirt of this field. I'm just about to get on the road where I can drive this big bad boy to the barn and go home.
Then I feel the rumbling.
I look behind me and double take at what I think is mud coming off of my plow, realizing a half second later that it was pavement from the road flying 5 feet in the air because I forgot to lift my plow blades.
I quickly freak out, brake the big SOB tractor, raise the blades and hop out to inspect the damage. My perfect last day fades into oblivion as 90 feet of ripped up county pavement looks back at me.
Edit: (Going to apologize for the misspelling in the title. Just came off of an all nighter)
Addendum: Someone asked for a picture of the road. [Here](http://imgur.com/uQUqCNk) is a picture me and a buddy took about an hour after.
catawhat: You feel bad because you think the county workers will have to fix it. In reality you should feel good because now you gave them a full 8 hour day to stand there and talk about it before they even get started repairing it.
nocenstutus: Ahhh, construction in Texas. Three days of standing about, one day of fixing it, four months of shitty traffic.
catawhat: Fixed...
> one day of the prison trustees fixing it
ThetaDee: Not in Texas(at least where I am.) County usually fixes it with low-payed, unskilled workers. Most of them are recently graduated high school students. I was invited for a job a few weeks ago, but they drug test.
[deleted]: Perhaps, and I'm just spit-balling here, but perhaps if they paid decent wages to skilled workers, then maybe the construction would be done faster.
ThetaDee: They have the one or two skilled workers who run the machines, but besides that they're usually normal people who come in for a job. And they do get paid pretty decently(around 12$/hr for starting).
[deleted]: $12/hr is terrible for construction, even starting out.
nodivisionhwm: O.o I've never had a construction job over $15 so ~~either~~ at least one of the following is true:
I'm terrible
you're wrong
we're in different parts of the country with different payscales.
Edit: see following comments.
sasquatchcrotch: There's no reason they can't all be true.
nodivisionhwm: O.o great Scott! You're right! Fixed.
[deleted]: I love happy endings.
| 12 | 118.416667 | |
1410352968 | 1410427154 | t3_2g010h | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to break up a fight
Well, this actually happened last friday night. Anyways, me and some friends were out gettin shitty and bar hopping. We decided to go this local college bar for the last stop of the night before the gf takes me home. So as were walking in, one of my mates gets into it with some other guys that are walking in. Next thing I know he gets jumped by three dudes and me and my friends jump in trying to break it up. Well one of them sucker punched me. Fractured my jaw in two places and now ill have it wired shut for 6 weeks.
TL;DR Got my shit rocked.
Update: Now officially two days post op. Teeth ache alot but its gotten better. Discovered I can crush up my oxycodone and mix it with liquid ibuprofen. Really helps. Appreciate the sympathy guys, hopefully ill survive this shit.
0xyidiot: Hi Friend,
Similar story for me.
A couple months back i decided that going with my new friends to that dodgy bar was a good idea. After having a pretty sick time drinking playing foosball and watching live bands we decide its time to go.
Unfortunately on the way out the one girl in the group decides now is a good time to cause shit with the first person she passes. So after she argues with some dude for five minutes (I am really keen to just get home at this point), the whole time saying don't worry its just a joke. Now i am standing the general vicinity of this saying "Hey, how about we go home" and speaking to one of the guys friends like ah its all chilled just a joke.
Anyway just as i am starting to realize that i should back the fuck away, some just fucking hits from the side. Didnt see it coming.
Jaw bone broke in V from the point of contact. Had the whole 6 weeks of wired shut jaw, One tooth is still kinda loose and have to go check if the roots are cracked on the effected teeth (3).
All i can say is enjoy the liquid food. And waking up and moving your jaw back in place.
Needless to say I haven't gone out those people again and will NEVER go back to that bar.
[deleted]: What did you mainly eat? i cant really find anything my stomach will hold down. But then again, im only 1 day post op.
0xyidiot: Well i didnt have an OP thank fucking god. There is a really good jaw surgeon. Like best in my country level. Who put some wires between my teeth and elastics to keep everything in place. Also the break wasnt terrible.
Didnt have any issue with keeping food down. The issue for me was getting it in.
But anyway here is a list.
- Drinking yohurts (Would literlly buy a shit tonne of these every week)
- Regular yoghurt (Problem was actually getting the spoon in your mouth)
- Flavoured milk (A PATTERN DEVELOPS)
- There is this breakfast cereal which is pretty much just powder? Its called pro nutro in South Africa. What you can do is mix that with a shit tonne of milk. About a quarter the cereal the rest milk in the glass. Drink that, it helps with the hunger. (Protein Shakes are the same kind of thing. Just get whey Protien)
- Soup. I had all kinds of soup during, including one that tasted like old socks smell.
Mainly i had to deal with hunger. You get hungry about every two hours because there is literally nothing in your stomach. Even if you are getting enough nutrients.
Anyway i still have the improvised shake for breakfast every day. It was quick and easy an i kinda liked it. About the only positive thing that came out of this. That and the various broken jaw jokes i could crack after this period.
[deleted]: Yea i had to have an op. My break was really bad and had to have both archbars top and bottom put in as well as a cracked tooth removed. But thanks for the options! Ill try some of those. Ive stocked up on Yogurt, i think thatll be my first go to.
jlet: Scrambled eggs and milk shakes were my M.O. I still lost like 20 lbs in 2 weeks tho, it is a great diet plan!
[deleted]: Ugh ive been trying to put on weight! Atleast maybe that hidden 8 pack will come out now right?
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1410355030 | 1410458508 | t3_2g03p6 | t5_2to41 | 249 | acatisnotahome: TIFU by shaving my vag while high, with headphones.
This happened a while ago. I was home alone, in the morning, getting ready to go to the beach. I woke, baked and started shaving for my bikini. It was only when I got near my labia that I realized I wasn't alone at all... While I was utterly distracted, relaxed and singing aloud, I felt a cold (monster cold, freezing) hand grab my arm. Now I thought I would at least get raped and killed by a cold blooded monster. At times like these you completely forget you have a razor all up in your vulva. I jumped, as part of a self defense "gonna kick yo ass" movement and let out a scream that started out as menacing but ended in expressing the pain I felt when the razor cut my labia. I look up to see my husband, back early, cold beer in hand looking in awe at the blood. SO. MUCH. BLOOD.
A plastic surgeon and 8 stitches later, I still have a scar on my perineum.
*TL;DR:* While shaving your labia always be aware of your surroundings, or else it might get gory.
Ferl74: What the hell were you using a straight razor?
acatisnotahome: It was a cheap plastic men's razor. It was all they had at the drugstore. Never again...
Ferl74: Really? I didn't think those razors could cut deep enough to need stitches.
JosephineRyan: I'm sure you could get it tangled up in your inner labia pretty bad if you tried.
Or it might have been dragged sideways.
acatisnotahome: It was sideways, I had the razor parallel to the labia and pulled it towards me
Scynthious: Confirmed.
Sauce: I use a Mach 3 to shave my head, and if I fuck up at al and slightly strafe sideways with it, all 3 blades take out a divot.
acatisnotahome: Sorry but your sauce sounds pretty gross
Scynthious: Never notice until I'm wiping down with seabreeze after the shower...
| 9 | 27.666667 | |
1410352674 | 1411531114 | t3_2g00p5 | t5_2to41 | 34 | t3rrapins: TIFU Trusting the gaseous nature of my gas
eightNote: hey there: thanks for posting, however, TIFU is currently only accepting posts about shit on Saturdays. Please repost your story on the weekend.
RG3ST21: please repost your "today I fucked up" story on a day that isn't that actual day.
eightNote: whatever brought you to this post?
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1410355587 | 1410356881 | t3_2g04kp | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by overcoming my writers block
This just happened about thirty minutes ago and it's killing me. I went over to my neighbors house at five in the morning today to keep an eye in her two sleeping children while she went over to the airport. All I had to do was sit here and make sure nothing caught on fire or nobody broke in and get paid a few bucks for it.
So last night I had a sudden burst of inspiration when it came to my writing and so naturally I brought the notebook I was writing in with me and my nice ball point pen that I loved because it wrote really nice and smooth though it did smear really easy and once you got a little on your skin it stained it. I'm laying on my stomach and got really into it, writing my little heart out, excited that my creativity finally came back when their puppy jumped on my and my pen slipped and drew a giant black stripe on their nice brown sort leather couch. Fuck! I thought and when I ran to get a rag my pen slipped and drew yet another giant slash through the back cushion. I scrubbed and scrubbed but this fucker just didn't want to get out. And I went to carefully pick up my pen again when that stupidly cute dog tried to play with me again and I drew an even larger slash through it. Why did I use pen and paper to write you ask? Why didn't I just type it and have this whole thing avoided? Well that's easy. It's because I'm a lazy idiot who didn't want to have to log into my computer.
So I panicked and covered it up with the kids' blanket and hope no one notices. While I'm here at least. I'm really hoping that the kids get blamed for it but who knows. If they get pissed they get pissed but I'm just gonna try to take my money and run. But the good thing is that the scene I wrote is actually really good.
Tl;dr: broke my writers block causing me to draw all over my neighbors couch, making it look like shit.
BigBobsBootyBarn: 1. As someone who's a grammar Nazi, your writing needs more (I mean this nicely) punctuation. When in doubt, throw in a comma!
2. I could see the first line happening. I'm having a hard time following the events that lead up to another *two times* however. It almost comes off as a bad Saturday Night Live skit, and I really hope you don't have that bad of luck.
3. [Here you go, good luck.] (http://www.wikihow.com/Remove-Ink-Stains-from-Leather)
[deleted]: Sorry half asleep and typing on my phone.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410354147 | 1410360321 | t3_2g02fp | t5_2to41 | 24 | ohthisgirlofmine: TIFU by eating the wedding cake before the bride and groom
I've always found it fun to go to the wedding of a couple I do not know. The anonymity is freeing, to me, I could pretend to be anyone I want, and best of all if I end up making an ass of myself, which can happen from time to time if alcohol is involved, nobody can attach my name to any incident that may arise.
So I was invited to my man's co-worker's wedding. It was a lovely, kinda hippy-flowery little shindig in a park. After the vows, we moseyed on over to the reception area where there were a few bars set up, and a couple grazing tables lined up next to each other. You know, the standard stuff - veggies, cheese and fruit, a candy table, and a cupcake table.
So we get settled at our table, and talk amongst ourselves before I'm feeling my first drink from the bar. Gettin' buzzed and hungry! We and another couple go to get a closer look at the munchie tables. The variety of the candy was awesome, and boy! The broccoli was so green! I saw the cupcakes, and they were these little gourmet beauties with little candy pink pearls and sprinkles (rainbow jimmies, to be exact) on them. There were other people checking out the cupcakes, too. But I was pretty tipsy so I was really just focused on my own plate. I took 3, put it on my plate and strutted back to my table, noticing a few stinkeyes from random women on the way back, which I'm sort of used to, so I didn't think much of it.
They were simply delightful little things... blueberry cheesecake, and strawberry shortcake, and mocha something. Another gal next to me was eyeing them so she went to get a couple herself. My boyfriend then said "Are you supposed to be eating those?" I said "Why not?? They're right there next to the candy." Besides nobody stopped me, there was no sign or anything! Rainbow jimmies for cryin' out loud, it's not a wedding cake!! It's fine, right? Right..? I stopped chomping down on the cupcake. Fuck.
When the other girl got back, she confirmed it. Some ladies stopped her from taking them. Where the hell were the guards when I was up there? Where the hell was the sign? There was no sign!!! Who the hell would put yummy pretty cupcakes with candy on them next to a candy table and expect you not to eat them?
Our whole table found it pretty amusing. Oh, guess where our table was? Right up next to the wedding party. So they may or may not have seen me so happily devouring their wedding cake before they got a chance to. I don't know if they saw, because I don't know them and they don't know me. Whew!
When the actual cake-cutting ceremony happened, I made myself scarce, having already indulged.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Well, maybe the cheap fucks should've spent the extra $12 on another table, or not used *cupcakes* for the wedding cake.
ohthisgirlofmine: The cupcakes were on their own table, right next to everything else you're allowed to eat.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Well damn, was trying to help you save face...but that's all I've got. :P
| 4 | 6 | |
1410358136 | 1410375062 | t3_2g08cr | t5_2to41 | 30 | Rosabella_honey: TIFU by monkey braining my future in-laws
My SO and me have been engaged for the past 6 months.We live in India,so it's a bit of a task to ~~spend some quality time alone~~ have any sort of physical relationship before marriage.We've lied at home about conferences and gone on little romantic getaways...but they are hard to come by and require a great deal of planning and dodging calls.
So back to my story...we were feeling quite frisky one day...renting a hotel room was out of option...My SO had an idea...Her parents live in a penthouse and they have 3-4 parking area's in the basement of the building with those automated doors.As the wedding was in a few months and all the pre-wedding rituals had started...they had put extra mattresses in the garages should anyone need them.
Not wanting to left with an extreme case of blue balls I readily agreed to her plan...Her parents were out shopping and after making sure that the coast was clear she snuck out the garage keys and in we went.This was around 6.30 pm.
Again as we didn't want to alert anyone that we were in there...we switched off the lights in the garage..laid down the mattresses and went at it ;)Because it was getting quite hot in there and sweaty...and I didn't want her to feel all stifled and sticky because of the sweat...so I asked her to ride me Cowboy style..And as I was huffing and puffing and grabbing her ass...
The gate went up...Apparently lights had gone out...we had no clue about it as we were anyway in the dark...Around 8 pm her parents returned and seeing that the lights had gone off came down to see if anyone was in the garages.So when the lights go out the door's can be opened only from the outside...so everytime the lights went out they had to make a trip down to the garage to see if anyone was locked in.
And this is how I monkey brained my future in-laws.
Edit : We scrambled up...Her parents walked away from there...I thought this was THE END...SO was hyperventilating...calmed her down first...I asked her if I should go up and talk...she said no.Anyway we had lunch planned the next day with our respective families together...My in-laws were pretty normal...I asked my SO if her Mom said anything to her later that night...She said nope...So all in all a pretty close save...:)
Edit 2 : Monkey brain meaning I showed my In-laws my nuts as well as my ass crack
KafkaTamura90: Came here expecting a story about a guy spitting exotic food across the table into his in-law´s faces.
1uck: Same, I was expecting a rehearsal dinner, ala Temple of Doom.
I've never heard the term monkey brain, and still don't quite grasp its meaning from this context.
DatGuy15: From what I grasped, basically they opened the door and all they saw of him was his ass crack and his balls? I don't know how the name came about but that's what I would guess it is.
Dragonbane269: According to Urban Dictionary...yes.
| 5 | 6 | |
1410359663 | 1410367377 | t3_2g0aui | t5_2to41 | 146 | kyrieileison: TIFU by letting my girlfriend experience ghost pepper hot sauce at the wrong time. NSFW
Recently, my lady friend and myself got back from a road-trip across the southern US. One of our destinations was New Orleans. During the visit, I decided that one of my souvenirs would be a bottle of Ghost Cap hot sauce - a naga jolokia ghost pepper based hot sauce rated at 1.5 million scovilles. I refused to open it during the trip, as I reckoned driving after consuming that would be... uncomfortable.
Cut to the other day.
I finally decide to open the hot sauce, on the premise of at the very least smelling it. I peel off the wrapper, unscrew the cap, sniff, and replace the cap. Whew, it was strong, just like I remember ghost pepper apple jelly coming off. Definitely not ready to try this yet, I replace it in the refrigerator.
In some short time later, I realize that my lips feel like they're on fire. I figure out in a minute or two that it's because (probably) I touched my lips in passing, after opening that hot sauce, and I might have gotten oil on my fingers from opening the bottle.
I wash my hands, but neglect to rinse off my lips or rinse out my mouth. I reckon it'll just go away and with my hands washed I don't have to worry about rubbing my eyes or anything.
Eventually, bedtime comes, and with that, comes pre-sleep foolaround time. We didn't get to enjoy closeness as much as we would have liked during the final parts of our trip, having slept in the car the last two nights, so our sexual energy was pretty well overflowing. During our romp, I decide to do something to set her off that I haven't done in a while.
While doing her doggy style, I pull out momentarily and lean down and tongue her asshole. She loves it, and, satisfied by her reaction, I return to what I was doing prior.
Minutes later, she's crying out in pain, complaining about her asshole burning. She asks if I had some of the sauce in my mouth. I go to say no, but then I remember, and immediately laugh about it, that I had gotten it on my lips, and therefore by proxy, my tongue. And never washed it off.
By this point she's just about crying, and I'm thinking that she probably wants to immediately rinse it off. I jokingly ask if she wants to finish or to shower.
She, to my surprise, decides she wants to finish first. I shrug, and proceed. She's by this point sniffling and pouting, however. Borderline crying still but managing to tough it out.
We finish in due time, and she rushes to the bathroom to take care of herself. By this point she IS crying.
Next day, she's still unable to sit without a yelp. And using the toilet is still kinda out of the question too. I feel bad.
**TL;DR** Consumed ghost pepper sauce during day, didn't rinse mouth, tongued girlfriend's asshole during sex, caused burnin' ring o' fire, now she can't sit or shit.
SDGrave: It's always better if they're crying.
Jokes aside, how is she? That must've burned like a motherfucker.
kyrieileison: She's better now, and we have a fun story to share. I doubt she'll be willing to actually try the sauce now though. :)
jchabotte: yes, share this with everyone.
"Hey Pops, want to hear a fun story about what happened when i stuck my tongue in your daughter's ass?"
kyrieileison: In all honesty, they would probably laugh about it and one-up it with their own story.
| 5 | 29.2 | |
1410359759 | 1410380625 | t3_2g0azq | t5_2to41 | 277 | cjdeck1: TIFU by threatening to murder a customer.
Like many TIFU posts, this actually happened several years ago but I decided this needed to go here.
In high school, I worked at a fast food restaurant. One day, I went to work on zero sleep. There'd been a church lock-in with my youth group, and in the party that was that night, I never had time to shut my eyes. So the next day when I had to go to work, it's pretty needless to say that I was really fucking tired. Coffee got me through the lunch-time rush of customers, but afterwards it slowed down a lot.
The store was pretty much empty, and only me and one other employee were behind the counter. At the time, the both of us played a lot of Team Fortress 2, so the conversation turned to that. I was talking about killing some opposing player in game, when I heard the beeping that signaled a car at the drive-thru. I put on the drive-thru headset and say "Welcome, how may I kill you." when, of course what I meant to say was "Welcome, how may I serve you."
I didn't even realize what I said until I looked at my coworker and saw his jaw hanging open so far you'd have thought we were in a cartoon. I immediately began apologizing to the customer, and prepared to watch my boss come out from his office and fire me.
But the customer laughed. It ended up being a couple of young people in the car who just found what I said hilarious and were cracking up at how embarrassed I sounded. And somehow miraculously, my boss either didn't hear or didn't care (presumably the former).
In the end, nothing really came of the incident aside from extreme embarrassment and the regular joking from the coworker I was with while we worked there.
SeveredHead: To be fair, you didn't actually threaten them. You politely offered a service.
cjdeck1: "Hi, I'd like the guillotine please."
"Sure thing, that'll be $5.99. Would you like to upgrade that to a draw-and-quarter for an additional 60 cents?"
Falcon9857: "Would like to sharpen the blade? That'll be extra."
Guinness2702: "OTOH, we have a 2 for 1 special on cyanide today"
Falcon9857: "You should try one of our NOS 'Happy Meals' for the kids."
rawkthisfistred: "Can I have that with guac?"
VIOLENT_COCKRAPE: Hah, more like can I have that with COCK, amirite?!
[deleted]: You, sir, are definitely not "right"
| 9 | 30.777778 | |
1410360463 | 1410362272 | t3_2g0c3u | t5_2to41 | 21 | kattieelove: TIFU by congratulating my boss on her birth
So a few months back I was working in my home town at the local corner store, where I had a very pregnant boss. I then moved to the city for a few month's to study.
After coming home for the holidays, IFU bad. I went to the store to pick up a few things and bumped into boss lady. Me being the total airhead I am totally forgot she was ever pregnant. A few minutes into the conversation after the standanrd hello, how have you been, I remembered, and got very excited...
"Oh my god I totally forgot you had your baby, CONGRATULATIONS!!!..."
"Let me just stop you before you ask, I had a stillbirth".
After apologizing profusely and heading home to tell the family what happened, I was met with "Oh isn't it sad what happened? Sorry I forgot to mention it"
I feel like shit. Thanks for the heads up, mum.
idamnedit: Its not your fault. No one told you. What could you have done, started the conversation by saying "If your baby wasnt stilborn, congratulations!"
specialsnowflake13: Agreed. The best thing to do in that case is immediately offer sympathy and move on from the conversation unless it seems like she wants to discuss it. It sucks, I'm sure you felt like shit, but you had no way to know.
| 3 | 7 | |
1410360689 | 1410362617 | t3_2g0ci8 | t5_2to41 | 33 | omahaspeedster: TIFU by not saying anything.
So I was at the barber last night, all dudes, and the ray rice stuff is on the TV. A dude a couple chairs down from me makes some crack about well what did she expect she already had 2 black eyes and then said I bet she will listen to him from now on. Made me uncomfortable but I did not say, hey man that is not funny. Now I wish I had said something about that not being funny, if not one calls people when they say stuff like that they keep saying it. TIFU because my silence makes it seem like what he said was acceptable.
Biscuitbaiter: Well what do you expect? She already has two black eyes.
omahaspeedster: Really seriously that is not funny.
Biscuitbaiter: Don't you feel better now?
mattluttrell: Downvoted your first comment. Then I un-downvoted it. Now I feel like I need to upvote it. This is complicated.
Biscuitbaiter: I always say first thoughts are usually the best thoughts, unless you are me.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1410361318 | 1410369196 | t3_2g0dn1 | t5_2to41 | 16 | ouifrancois: TIFU partying with a hobo
i hope you saw this: i was in chicago my first time on monday looking for a party. i met dwight the pickpocket and he found damn good weed and talked up every hot lady we walked by. then he popped off beer caps with his teeth and we drank ipa. i was fucked up for a minute and then i noticed my phones were gone. i leveled with dwight to trade me back what he stole for my cigarettes. he denied it for a couple minutes but FINALLY fucking gave my stuff back.
atragicoffense: I don't see the FU. Sounds like Dwight is pretty cool.
ouifrancois: i shouldnt party with hobos, but its way more fun!
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1410361001 | 1410362509 | t3_2g0d2l | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a strippers number. NSFW
About six months ago I went to a strip club with a few friends, got a strippers number (she was probably the most ridiculously attractive woman I'd ever seen) - didn't think anything of it, I'll usually get a stripper's number when I go (I'm a good looking, rich and charming in a corrupt/cynicalsort of way), they pretty much universally flake out and I've already tried that route once before, way too much likelihood of extreme "might get murdered" level of crazy.
I texted her once, a day or two later - she told me to come visit her at work. Fuck that, despite her hotness I realized it was a lost cause. Then three months ago she calls me completely randomly out of the blue wanting to hang out and go back to my place. She doesn't have a car so wants me to pick her up 45 min away. Fuck it, I live adventurously and love doing really dumb shit. Anyways, I picked her up, she was on the phone non stop with a guy (clearly her boyfriend but she claimed it was just her loser guy roommate - she's really really dumb and thinks everyone else is equally dumb.) Eventually she gets off the phone, gets me to pull over, we make out, she gives me a blowjob in my car. Shit is weird, she even makes a comment about getting married. Afterwards, her bf/roommate called her again and she decided she couldn't go back to my place afterall because he was being suicidal. In my head, perfect, blowjob and I don't even have to deal with crazy in my apt, good fucking night.
Now couple nights ago this same girl calls me up again crying on the phone that she has a stalker (I'm assuming said "stalker" was her bf and she just has a habit of putting other guys penis' in her every time she gets in a fight) and needs to get away for a bit. She wants to spend the weekend at my place. My roommate is out of town so I feel like I'm in a pretty good spot to deal with crazy - mostly I'm just bored and horny.
She comes over, I ask her if she wants to have a couple drinks and stay in or head out to the bars. Bars it is. We get there and she's kind of getting a few looks - she weighs about 90 lbs with huge tits with barbie like proportions, just looking way too hot to be in these random bars. I'm loving it. We're dancing and she's grinding and making out with me sluttily as possible, she's even lifting up her shirt every now and then flashing her bra around. Just hot as hell. She starts demanding we do more and more shots (though she was very hesitant at first, I should have taken that as a sign). Eventually its getting to be around 1:30 a.m., we decide we're going to leave. I'm ridiculously pumped to hook up with this girl for the first time, she's been saying all sorts of dirty things in my ear all night. Of course, as we leave the bar, she's yelling, bieng loud, the fucking cops arrest her for public intoxication - as I'm holding her god damn arm, are you fucking kidding me? Piece of shit cops just wanted to rough up the super hot girl - the one female cop was just standing there like it was the most super sketchy shit she'd ever seen.
Anyways, I'm absolutely hammered and figure I'll drive first thing in the morning to get her out (I'm actually a lawyer, albeit just outa law school for a year.) I work relatively close to the jail where they took her, so first thing in the morning I head down there. Learn that apparently they turned her over to her town 45 minutes away (we're basically just in different suburbs to a big city.) I've got her full name and birthday on her drivers license, so I get online and look up her criminal record to see what the hell is going on - I know they wouldnt generally transfer you to another county unless you've got something going on over there. Long story short, she has a fucking criminal record a mile along including meth (explains her ridiculous skinny body anyways!) and several different assault charges. Her latest is a domestic assault charge from, you guessed it, the fucking night she called me. I also notice there is another domestic assault charge from, you guessed again, the exact night she called me three months ago.
Anyways, I look up when her next hearing is going to be, she's not set for another five days. Her latest arrest was a second violation of her probation within the first month of being on it - that is bad. There is a possibility she will legitimately have to serve a decent amount of time.
Now here's my situation, this girls car parked illegally in my apartment lot. I have her purse with all of her money, credit cards, drivers license, you name it. Probably a few hundred dollars worth of clothes and makeup in her car (I don't have the key). Im really really hoping none of the cops involved recognized me - I may or may not have started yelling about different judges and attorneys I knew (I vaguely recall being that guy.) Basically, the problem is I don't know what the hell to do with her stuff. I know nothing about this girl, I don't know any of her friends or family. Basically, apparently I'm a penis to her every three months she gets in a giant fight with her bf. I feel really really dumb. Stay the hell away from strippers.
Biscuitbaiter: Just turn the shit into the cops and let the car deal with itself. The apartment complex typically will tow at the owners expense. The impound is a perfect parking spot for the car.
[deleted]: Yea I guess I have to, I'd really rather not be associated with anything involving this sort of crap - I'm just not sure if any sort of record will be made. I've spent my life maintaining my perfect, gentlemanly prince charming reputation while getting up to debauchery - I want to eventually go into politics or be a judge - mostly for the laugh.
Biscuitbaiter: It's a slippery slope once you start into those types of situations. One second you are in control and the next you are smoking crack and running ~~Toronto~~ ~~From the cops~~ for you'r life. Better to cut you'r losses before she gets out and decides you were there for her during the hard times and then you really have a dependence issue.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1410332608 | 1416002888 | t3_2fzhvu | t5_2to41 | 10 | nachonaco: TIFU by putting my dog in his crate.
Unlike most fuck-ups, this actually happened within the last 48 hours.
Unlike most fuck-ups, this does not involve poo of any kind.
As my dog is still a puppy (he will be five months old). I am training him to sleep in a crate and he tends to get cranky/fussy at night if he's up too late. Sounds strange but it's true.
Anyway.
I put little Felix to bed, and it's dark in my room. Whatevs. I know my room.
I go to close the cage and I have to push him back because he's trying to be bossy and get out.
I close the door without thinking, and I bow my head down.
Somehow (it's been 48 hours and I'm still trying to figure this out), I managed to get part of the wire door corner to hit me in the eye between my eyeball and eye socket.
I am still in pain and if I'm not better in a couple days i am going to the doctor. I can still see, the eye seems to respond to light as far as I notice, I can follow my finger....etc.
Dinosoarman: > in a couple of days im going to the doctor.
Go now, dumbass
Thatclockonthatwall: Yeah, I can totally see another TIFU post in the future titled, "TIFU by taking my sweet ass time to go to the doctor."
nachonaco: Actually, I do have a TIFUpdate.
I AM PERFECTLY FINE!
Thatclockonthatwall: Good to hear.
| 5 | 2 | |
1410363621 | 1410365136 | t3_2g0huk | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By using my sock as toilet paper
T_Dumbsford: Sorry, removed per rule 10.
SimpleYetHard: Aww I completely forgot!!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410365186 | 1410381606 | t3_2g0kmd | t5_2to41 | 37 | WigglyWormx: TIFU By Prank calling the cops
This didn't happen today, happened many years ago but I still remember well.
So I was a kid in my house on the weekend, I lived in a small Australian town and I was bored with no one in the house, I didn't have any video games or anything, So I decided calling the police and saying bitch 3 times was a good idea.
So after that I was watching TV, Still bored and I hear a car outside, couldn't be my mum she's at work, I look out the window and there is a police car, I shit myself and run upstairs, then I hear knocking and i'm certain he heard me run upstairs so I decide to face him like a man.
I went to the door and I just looked at him and he said "We received a call from this house was it you" So I shit myself again and say "Yes i'm so sorry please don't arrest me" (I was like 8 or 9 at the time) He replied and said "Its ok but never waste the polices time like that again" I quickly say sure and he heads to his car so I go back inside.
That is not where it ends, So I realise after like 5 mins of regret that he hasn't left and my mum would be home from work soon, just literally JUST as he started his car my mum came home ran into the house and asked what I did, I said that he got the wrong house but i'm pretty sure she talked to him and knew it wasn't true, So I just run up to my room and lay down and I thought it would be fine, then she comes running up stairs yelling about why that was the stupidest fucking thing I could ever do, It still doesn't end though, I was playin with my wee wee like all young boys do sometimes when she came up, much yelling ensued.
Boomkin1337: Reminds me of Breaking Bad.
telijah: 8 or 9 year olds playing with their junk does...?
dvaunr: Is that all you remember from the story?
telijah: I couldn't find anything relating to Breaking Bad somehow, other than the word "bitch" being said, so that's what I latched on to.
Wombatmanchevre: I can find a lot of thing related to Breaking Bad.
For exemple OP mention a house, I think I saw that 1-2 times in Breaking Bad.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1410366002 | 1410422007 | t3_2g0m2s | t5_2to41 | 126 | Cancrene: Tifu by dressing smart for a change.
So I woke up this morning, with an early morning flight and an unusual desire to look dapper for the journey. Normally I enjoy taking the plane in track suits bottoms and a baggy tshirt for comfort, but today I thought I would wear a nice shirt and nice trousers. I also tucked my shirt into my trousers, in the name of ultimate smartness.
Throughout the check in process I was really enjoying my decision, and the mutually appreciative looks I was gaining from airport stewards and other smart dressers alike. This euphoria wasn't due to last though.
Sometimes, not always I should mention, I have a bad reaction to the increased cabin pressure in planes. More specifically I feel very queasy and restricted and my sphincter loosens up for some unknown reason to me, this was significantly worsened by the fact that my trousers were tight and were pushing against my stomach. And I found that by the time I got up from my window seat and sidled past, my sphincter had a momentary lapse of control and I felt myself letting loose a bit of shit.
When I got into the bathroom however, I found no traces on my boxers no matter how hard I looked. During the ensuing (and rather watery) release I continued to look but found nothing. I pulled up my trousers, much looser and untucked this time, as to free up my stomach a bit.
As I was walking down the aisle though I could hear a Ruckus of people behind me, and I could also still smell the odour from the bathroom following me. When I turned around I noticed that there was a trail of shit following me from the toilet. It turns out I had tucked my shirt into my boxers and my earlier release had gone directly onto my shirt. Needless to say I went from looking like a smart individual to a human purveyor of shit,
TiFU by dressing smart and shitting on myself
[deleted]: Please oh please let there be a redditor who saw this...
going-in-dry: Can confirm. Saw the shit trail.
[deleted]: Proof required
edditme: >**Poo** required
FTFY
| 5 | 25.2 | |
1410368252 | 1410386715 | t3_2g0q8r | t5_2to41 | 8 | rawrtherapy: TIFU by leaving my cars windows open overnight
There's a HUGE FUCKING SPIDER WEB in the backseat off my car...
Scary part...
I can't find the Spider...
So I'm just wondering... in fear
[deleted]: Throw another bug into the web and wait for it to come out to eat it and bam vaccum it all up!
rawrtherapy: Idk if that's the best idea...throw in a bigger spider to kill the already deadly spider theb be left with an even bigger spider? Sounds like a whole bunch of nope, but thanks for trying!
quezlar: i think you need more cats, dont worry a bunch followed me here
rawrtherapy: Alright lets get started, we just throw em in there?
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410360627 | 1410372488 | t3_2g0cel | t5_2to41 | 7 | flacidfruit: TIFU and it turned out ok.
First some background:
I seriously have some time management issues. I've struggled with undiagnosed ADD all my life (just got on meds) and recently I've had troubles managing my time. Instead of being too distracted to remember appointments and class I find I get too involved in projects and don't watch my time.
Now for the story:
I'm in graduate school and I am enrolled in an advanced stats course with a super strict Indian professor. I was once late to class ( due to a meeting running over) and had to sit on the floor. Today I was studying to refresh myself for a quiz we were scheduled to have today. I look at the clock in my apt and thought I had an hour; however the glare from the light made the metal hand look as if it was a different time. 10 minutes later I decided to get dressed and head to class. I check my phone and it's 10am not 9:30. Well fuck, I'm late. Now this guy is not going to let me take the quiz or enter his class if I'm even a minute late. I speed drive as fast as if I'm trying to find the only toilet left before I shit myself. I park on campus ( which is a last resort as it's super expensive) and run as fast as my little stumpy legs can carry me. I'm just about to the door and it's 10:21, class starts at 10:20 and I'm trying to thing if any lame fuck excuse to save face. I arrive at the door, head down with face shame, expecting my professor to start lecturing me in my tardiness. I look up as I sit down when I realize how silent it is: the entire classroom is EMPTY. Now I'm half elated half believing I'm in a dream. After a few minutes I check my email on my phone ( I already had before class but my phone has a delay). Come to find out the professor fell off his bike yesterday and needed to get his grill stitched up; class was canceled. I'm still riding the adrenalin high as I write this.
Tl; dr: was late to class, didn't have class
bla5toise: you stopped writing why?
King_Allant: He didn't stop writing, he just didn't use correct punctuation. Or rather, he used no punctuation.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410369744 | 1410376092 | t3_2g0t4g | t5_2to41 | 2 | GunLyght: TIFU by forgetting how elevators worked.
So I am starting my senior year in college and all of my classes were moved to a new building my college is experimenting with and because they did not complete the building in time a lot of things do not work properly.
Now after finishing my final class of the day which has about 5 people in it and I haven't really talked to anyone yet because of it being so early in the semester. So after class I left and walked down to the elevators and a classmate of mine gets on with me.
I walk in turn around and see another classmate of mine turning the corner, we make eye contact and I quickly move my hand and press the "Door Open" Button. Then the door started making closing noises, I looked back at her and started to really slam on the button but as I aggressively pressed "Door Open," the door closed and she was left on the other side.
So now I looked like I was aggressively trying to close the elevator door before she got on, as I was going down in the elevator my other classmate laughed, and I realized I could have just put my hand in the door like a normal person, but no I didn't think of it. The worst part is I waited at the bottom of the elevator for a good 5 minutes and she did not come down, so now she will hate me for the next few days until I can explain the unfinished elevator and the non-responsive "Door Open."
bristolstreet: Why didn't your classmate stick his hand out?
GunLyght: I have no idea, she is really the worse of the two of us at least I tried.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410366124 | 1410390093 | t3_2g0mc3 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming things at work
This story actually happened roughly about a year ago, and it's not awful but it's one of those things my brain brings up every time I accidentally think about my most embarrassing moments. Anyway, on to the story!
Background: this happened at work, at the small hardware store I am a cashier at. At the time this occurred, I had been at the job for about 3 months, and had just started taking closing shifts. Closing shifts are different because it's just the cashier, a manager, and one or two floor people. The cashier is not allowed to leave the register except to vacuum around 8 (we close at 9). This is all necessary info.
Story: It was my first closing shift with Awesome Manager. Previously, I had closed only with Strict Manager, so I had no idea about how Awesome Manager handled things, and assumed everything was by the book. With Strict Manager, everything *was* by the book. I was off register to clean at exactly 8:00, and we closed exactly at 9:00. Anyway, so it hits 8:00, and Awesome Manager is nowhere to be seen. As I mentioned, the closing cashier isn't supposed to leave the register for any reason. But stupid me decides to *go find him* and ask if I'm supposed to be vacuuming. So I do exactly that. Of course, I waited until there were no customers in the store, of course. I get to the back of the store, and the following conversation ensues.
Manager: what are you doing?
Me: I wasn't sure if you wanted me to clean now...
Manager: you know it's against store policy for you to leave your register
Me: there are no customers in the store
Manager: doesn't matter. Get back up front and wait for me.
Which I did. Hurriedly. The memory of that conversation and how I could be so stupid (especially with the line about there being no customers in the store, which was basically arguing with the manager) haunts me to this day. Awesome Manager and I are friends now though, so this event didn't fuck up our work relationship at least.
TL;dr: new cashier me leaves register, breaking store policy, and then attempts to make it ok by essentially arguing with the manager
swarmleader: if you could make that fuck up a little less vanilla that'd be great
squidbasket: Nowhere does it say that fuck ups have to be huge and life-changing. If you don't like it, down vote it.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410368541 | 1410385225 | t3_2g0qrg | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming on my face [NSFW]
let me just start off by saying that i had not masturbated in a while before it happened.
I would occasionally visit massage parlours as my work involves doing a lot of physical things. so just like any other day i went to a massage joint near my house. I was serve by this chinese woman whom i had met before and her massage was not bad.so once we got to the ending,laying on my back now, she started playing with my dick and with my dick pointed towards my face, i ejeculated so hard it shot through my hair hitting my forehead. she burst out laughing and i was scrambbling to find a clean cloth to wipe the shit off me.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Wait...You're laying on your back...and it shot through *your* hair and then hit your forehead?
*TIL man has jizzums that can enter orbit*
REPOsPuNKy: I once ejaculated hard enough to hit my ceiling from my computer chair. It hurt.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410370187 | 1410374566 | t3_2g0txk | t5_2to41 | 52 | LoydeReed: TIFU by Answering a Job Interview Question With a Meme
quick background: i'm an engineering student doing second-year-in-two because field theory is a nightmare. as a result, i have a three day week and decided to get a part-time job because i didn't work over the summer.
one of the places i applied to called me in for an interview this morning. the interviewer asked me what year i was in after looking at the date i started university.
what i meant to say: "second year due to circumstances i'd rather not discuss."
what i said: "second year because of 'reasons.' "
she just kind of looked at me and continued the interview, ending it with a "we can't hire right now... because of reasons... but we'll be in touch."
tl;dr: answered interviewer with "because of reasons." was not hired "because of reasons."
Jader14: That's when you say you were tired and not paying full attention to what you were saying, and quickly correct yourself.
LoydeReed: i maintained a straight face and stared directly at her to assert my dominance
ThatYellowCard: Did you pee on her when she broke the eye contact first?
| 4 | 13 | |
1410368151 | 1410378688 | t3_2g0q2j | t5_2to41 | 23 | effinguud: Tifu by setting my helmet on fire..
So this happened in the last 24 hours. I was casually doing homework when I came to the conclusion I should do something different. I wander up stairs and into the kitchen where I decide I should make some habanero sriracha. I complete the task, and then head to a colossal chain store with my wife because I needed a new wifi router. This is where the fuck up starts. I walts into the restroom, and whip out my male genitalia. (I like to call him Douglas.) I do my business and go to join my wife in produce.
Then there was a feeling.. distant at first, almost felt.. cold.. instantly I froze.. was Douglas out in public? I look down, and with a bit of relief I realize the cold feeling now feels like burning.. its growing.. im trapped, I don't know what to do.. im wandering around with the tip of Douglas on fire. I thought of penetrating a jug of milk but i didn't want to look like a fool. I couldn't go into the bathroom drop my pants and wash him. Its a public place.. what if a kid comes in? I had to man up, and wander around the store with my dick on fire.
tldr; cut up peppers, touched dick, dick caught on fire, wandered around store in pain.
BaalsPal: Naming it Douglas made me think of Doug the dog in Up. Next time you get an erection, you'll have to say, "Squirrel!"
effinguud: Will do
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1410371486 | 1410373649 | t3_2g0wev | t5_2to41 | 7 | KarmannosaurusRex: TIFU by talking at the urinal.
So, TIFU.
*A smidge of background:*
I work for a large multi-national Engineering company who caters to the Oil & Gas industry – people around here are pretty serious; in particular the Sales Director (mid/late 40s, overworked, and very conservative).
I am in mid 20s and not the manliest of males (my sexuality is on occasion questioned). I also work in a completely different department so my interaction with this Director is basically zero to none.
The company is going through a bit of sales slump, so to promote some form of camaraderie the sales floor now has a bell outside this Director’s office to be rung in the event of a sale.
*The story:*
One of my good friends works in the Sales department, so I was down on his floor having a quick chat when I had the urge to relive myself. Too far from my office bathroom I figure I’ll just use the one nearest to me…boy have I been missing out, this bathroom was the beezkneez - fully encapsulated cubicles, perfect WiFi reception, hand crèmes, potpourri, the works.
...In hindsight, this was the Directors’ bathroom, as an EPM I did not belong.
All I needed was a whizz, so I rock up to the urinals – I had my choice of the three. Not being able to decide which was nicer; left or right, I went straight for the centre as I figured it was best of both worlds, not even once thought about where I was or how I shouldn’t be here let alone appearing to be asserting dominance by taking all the space.
Half way through what I swear is the longest evacuation of my bladder of my life the Sales Director comes in. He is now faced with the dilemma of left or right as some asshat took the centre. I try sway his decision by turning ever so slightly to the right – he takes the hint like a champ and uses the left urinal.
I am now thinking; boy wouldn’t it be swell if he and I were best friends, let’s think of something cleaver to say to spark up a conversation. A few seconds go by. I’m feeling awkward as I haven’t made an effort to talk to him. He is literally just minding his own business, not a care about me.
I know! I’ll tell him about how I’ve heard his sales bell being rung a few times and things must be turning around, that’ll be nice to talk about.
Nope.
Turning towards him slightly with a smile on my face, “*I like your bell.*”
I kept my gaze for a second or two, met with a blank expression with my new found pee buddy. Until I realised what I had said. No time for shaking dry, washing my hands, or anything – just head down walk out.
I don’t want to go back to work.
**TL;DR**
I complimented a Senior Director’s penis while asserting dominance at the urinals in a bathroom I should not have been in.
kender00: okay three major bathroom ediquette mistakes I see here.
First you took the center urinal. I looks like you already identified this as a bathroom fopaux but always remember the 1,3,5 rule.
Second you turned to face him to speak. If you are going to talk you should always be looking straight ahead or up at the ceiling while whizzing.
And finally, you spoke. Now some people talk in the bathroom, that's fine but you should never do it with someone you don't really know and never do it while at the urinals, wait til you are at the sinks.
JigzyFish: Fopaux??
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410372407 | 1410411154 | t3_2g0y5s | t5_2to41 | 107 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my girlfriend a text
My girlfriend and I have been dating for the better part of a year, and in that time we've gotten to know each other's quirks and preferences.
One of the things she enjoys doing is calling any penis a wiener, specifically my penis. It makes her laugh, and even though I don't care for it, sometimes I indulge her. Another preference of hers is for me to manscape. I also indulge that.
Anyway, she was out with her mom shopping while I was taking a shower. I was talking to her about my sister visiting town and some other mundane things. I took a shower then used my trimmer to shave my nether regions.
So I texted the following: "I shaved my wiener for you!"
Unknown to me, my girlfriend was driving at the time and so she asked her mom to read the text to her.
"zz4 says, "I shaved my weinnnnn......."
At that point she stopped and then they preceded to have a conversation about my pubic hair and if I was capable of using adult words like 'penis' instead of calling it a 'wiener'. My girlfriend decided not to tell her that wiener is her word, and instead let her mom believe it's my word.
On the plus side, the girlfriend's mom bought me sheets and pillowcases for my new bed, which was an unexpected surprise.
BigBobsBootyBarn: That's some bullshit. If my gf's mom started asking me why I wasn't "mature enough" to use the word penis, I would've ratted my girlfriend out in a second. They'll forgive their child, I'll be damned if I'm known as Wiener Man.
dmillz89: Now tagged as "Wiener Man".
[deleted]: How do you tag people? Is it a Reddit preferences thing, or are you just taking a mental note?
dmillz89: Reddit Enhancement Suite
[deleted]: > Reddit Enhancement Suite
Thanks!
| 6 | 17.833333 | |
1410371494 | 1410405336 | t3_2g0wf6 | t5_2to41 | 396 | [deleted]: TIFU by miscarrying while doing a presentation about abortion
This is pretty morbid and I'm feeling kind of sensitive about this but maybe telling 70, 000 people on the internet will help. About a month ago I had some drunk sex with a guy I met at a party. I'm not on the pill and I thought he used a condom but I can't really recall the details. Last Friday I took a pregnancy test after my period was 2 weeks late and it was positive.
As you may know, school just started. I'm an early 20's student who's living in a different city about 2.5 hours from my GP and I have a pretty irrational fear of other doctors so I called the office on Monday and made an appointment for Thursday, which is the first day I would be able to make the trip home and not miss classes, as well as hopefully no one finding out.
Anyways, yesterday I started having some spotting which made me kind of concerned but I figured I had the appointment for Thursday so I just stuck it out.
Today I experienced every woman's worst nightmare. I had to make a presentation which just so happened to be about a recent news story in which a single mother purchased abortion pills online for her 16 year old pregnant daughter and is getting jail time for unlawfully performing an abortion. As I stood up I felt the really uncomfortable wet slimy feeling of when you get your period unexpectedly and don't have proper provisions so contain the flow. My underwear was already wet, I could feel it, but ignored it as I walked up to the front of the room before a TA caught my arm and pulled me aside and told me I had already leaked through and stained the back of my pants.
Now I'm mortified and experiencing a pain like nothing I've ever felt before. I don't want to tell anyone because I'm humiliated and I'm also so embarrassed that I'm such an irresponsible idiot and got myself in this position in the first place. And I guess I'm kind of sad too. I knew I couldn't keep it either way but this is just so unexpected and... isolating I guess is the right word.
EDIT: Thank you all so much for your support. It has made me feel so much less isolated and afraid. Since so many of you have asked how I'm doing and told me I need to seek medical attention, I went to the hospital. The doctor said it should pass naturally and to come back if the bleeding worsens and I will do so. For now I'm just going to take it easy for a few days. Thank you again for your kind words. It's been very comforting.
octoberx13: Have you gone to the hospital? If not - fucking GO! You're putting yourself in serious danger by not seeking medical attention immediately.There is no reason to be mortified - your class (if they saw anything) probably just thought you started your period. No big deal, it happens. You haven't done anything wrong - don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sorry that this happened to you, but mistakes happen. You're young, and you have your whole life ahead of you - don't freak out.
[deleted]: Thank you very much for your kind words. I haven't gone to the hospital, I figure since I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow it should be fine, no?
simkonis: Go today!!!!!
[deleted]: You might be right. With how much it hurts I don't think I could drive safely tomorrow. I just REALLY hate going to see doctors, let alone a hospital. Fuck.
ArrogantWhale: This is bigger than that this is an emergency, you need to go now
[deleted]: Alright, I'm going to haul myself out of this bed and to a hospital. Thank you to all of you for your concern.
system3295: This is really dangerous. You have to have your uterus cleaned up.
[deleted]: Hahaha. Clean up on aisle U.
| 9 | 44 | |
1410364724 | 1410379019 | t3_2g0jqz | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by Calling My Entire Class Short
So my class is set so I am taller than 95% of the class.
My friend walked up to me and said she's taller than me. She is about 3 inches shorter than me. So I reply, " I know because I'm so short."
Then I realized that I'm taller than almost everyone in the class, teacher included.
I am gonna pay for all my fuck ups one day...... again......
Edit: I should note I have only 4 classes that have the same group of people in them......
Meat_Monster: "Today I Was Set Back By A Minor Inconvenience."
YesItIsMaybeMe: "Today I Was Set Back by a Small Inconvenience For a Short Amount Of Time".
I am mean sometimes, but I'm the worst when I accidently say things like this.....
| 3 | 1 | |
1410373536 | 1410440923 | t3_2g10do | t5_2to41 | 252 | Getz15: TIFU by being a dick to a pooping coworker.
I just fucked up. Not even 5 minutes ago.
I'm a psychotherapist in a mental health agency affiliated with a large hospital in my state. My office is in a hallway of my building with 6 other therapists, and I'm one of only two male therapists in this agency. Because I'm one of the only males, I typically have the large restroom in my hallway to myself. BUT NOT THIS DAY. No, on this day as I was washing my hands our ~60 year old IT guy walked into the restroom. He smiled and nodded at me and I, being caught off guard by another human in my restroom, just stared at him blankly in the mirror. He walked into the stall and sat down and I dried my hands and walked out of the restroom, but not before instinctively turning off the lights in the restroom. I realized what I had down 4 minutes later.
Here I am now, sitting in my office with the door closed. Fuck. I know how to handle this situation, but even therapists don't like uncomfortable apologies.
Update: I ran into IT guy this morning coming into work. I mentioned that I hadn't realized what I had done until 5 minutes later and we had a good laugh. At least he isn't in the dark about what happened anymore.
BigBobsBootyBarn: "Hey I just realized what I did earlier, I'm sorry and I promise that wasn't on purpose! I wanted to apologize so you didn't think I had some personal vendetta on you and have you hack my computer." *then laugh*
Fixed.
Jan_The_Man: "Ok, but can you please leave my stall now?"
BigBobsBootyBarn: It's fine, I'll wait til your finished. We are bros now.
Jan_The_Man: "well, could... could you sing for me?"
| 5 | 50.4 | |
1410368434 | 1410393338 | t3_2g0qkq | t5_2to41 | 34 | LizzyLovesLancer: tifu by letting my bf use my car
He swerved to miss a deer. My car ended up in a swamp. It's been totaled.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Were you there? Let's think about this...did he **really** swerve to miss a deer, or was he getting roadhead from a ginger tranny while snorting coke off her ass cheeks?
*I'm just saying to think about the rational possibilities*
J30H30: i logged in just to say i love you
MimeGod: I just logged in to say how much I care.
Western93: I just logged in because I wanted to.
dogcatcher408: and i mean it, from the bottom of my heart....
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1410374592 | 1410399849 | t3_2g12f7 | t5_2to41 | 17 | throwaway_353: TIFU by losing my condom inside an escort
Well, fuck...
So I was with an escort today in Dublin, and around 1 or 2 minutes after a position change I saw my penis is uncovered... I put it out and realise with horror that I do not have it anymore, it is inside... so I ran to the shower to clean it up. A mix between the lubricant and a very tight condom probably the cause...
She didn't look worried at all, and offered to continue with another one. She is around 25yo and looks healthy, actually the kind of girl I would try to hook up in a bar.
I am (obviously) concerned, I don't know what to do, I just read I have to wait 3 months to test for AIDS...
advice?
pobody: Calm your tits, the transmission rate from straight sex is very low and that's *if* she's infected. You're more likely to get into a car accident in the next 3 months.
SakaraJoe: It's always a good idea to wear two seat belts. I mean condoms.
DatGuy15: I recall hearing that's a bad idea. Friction or something is the reason.
SakaraJoe: It amazes me people took me seriously.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1410372277 | 1410378219 | t3_2g0xvc | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by wishing severe injury on my friend/roommate
This happened several years ago. I was living in my old college town (had dropped out already) with a bunch of friends who were either doing their masters, or working and wanted to still live the college life. My friend Tony, was one of those people.
Tony is and was a pretty sad man. He had awful luck. I mean luck that movies are made about. But, through it all, he was a genuinely sweet and nice guy. Quite frankly, he was/is one of the nicest and most dependable people I have ever known.
Tony and our friend Billy worked together at a large financial company at the time. Billy had moved back home after graduating and stayed there, but he didn't live far. They took the same freeway on their commute to work, Billy usually showing up much later than Tony because that's just the type of guy he is.
I was asleep (not working at this time) and at about 10:30am I get a phone call from Billy. He is unbelievably frustrated, and irate. He was ranting and screaming. "I hope you fucking die you mutant." "You piece of shit fucking jerk off learn how to fucking drive." It should be noted that Billy is an italian kid from Staten Island New York. These sorts of rants, full of over the top anger and cursing, were pretty much the norm for him. I started giggling, half asleep, and started making fun of the driver. Pontificating on the assumed injuries the driver had or should have, or deserved to have for making Billy late. We continued coming up with more and more gruesome theories as to what the driver deserved to have happen to him for making Billy late for several minutes.
He explains to me that the freeway is at a dead stop because some moron about 20 cars in front of him drove his car into the median and the car was now on fire. So they had shut down the freeway and were waiting for a firetruck and he was at the point of no return. In the left lane, no way to move over, no exit in site. Just stuck. As Billy and I are talking about the presumed fate of the driver in the accident and making fun of said driver I get a call on call waiting from Tony (Yeah I get it, I was being an asshole, we were just joking around, if you don't joke around with your friends the way we joke around, that's fine, I just don't feel like hearing your judgement's about how we humor each other).
I tell Billy to hold on and switch over to Tony. "What's up?".... Long pause, with a lot of noise in the background. "So, yeah, I need you to pick me up". Tony needed me to pick him up? What? "From where? Didn't you drive to work?". "Yeah about that.... I'm on the side of the road on the Parkway, around exit 135".... Yes, suddenly it clicked, like a lightning bolt striking me. Tony was the guy who's care was on fire, and Tony was the mutant jerk off who was making Billy late for work. I literally couldn't stop laughing for a strong 3 minutes. Tony was dying laughing also. At this point, his bad luck had just become a part of our lives that we all just laughed at.
I switch back over to Billy, still laughing hysterically. He asks me what was so funny, and I told him to just call Tony, he had a story to tell him.
Tony was driving down the Parkway, in the middle lane, in his very old Chrysler LeBaron, I think it was a LeBaron at least, I don't remember the model actually now that I'm thinking about it. The car was Silver, but from a previous accident, the Hood and front bumper were now Maroon. After seeing the repairs, and new parts, I named him 'Two Tone Tony' and the name sort of stuck, and still sticks to this day, all these years later. Anyway, Tony was in the middle lane, a driver from the left lane, going way past the speed limit, cut him off and cut across all the way to the farthest right lane. As he got into the right lane he saw the traffic in front, and then cut all the way back to the left lane, again across all 3 lanes. Tony, tired and not paying as much attention as he should have, didn't slow down on this drivers return path. The driver clipped the front right side of Tony's car and sent him straight into the concrete freeway median. As soon as he hit the median, the front of the car went on fire, and Tony apparently just sat their and pondered his fate. He eventually came to his senses and got out of the car.
I get in my car, weave my way around the back roads, and get near the Parkway. I had told Tony to walk towards the nearest exit and walk down the ramp and I would pick him up there. As I pull up, I see Tony. Wearing his favorite egg shell colored button down shirt, his tie barely still hanging on, his slacks rolled up to his knees, holding a pair of Air Jordan 8's in his hand, leaning up against the "Enter Parkway" sign. He gets in and I ask what the deal was with the Jordans, and he said it was the only thing he thought to save before his car went completely on fire. WHAT?! The only thing he thought to save, was his newish sneakers, because, in his words "I'm not going to sacrifice my sense of style just because my car went on fire, bro".
That my friends, is Tony. He left his work bag, iPod, various other clothes, sports equipment, etc. But, he had the wherewithal to get out of the car, pop the trunk, sift through some shit he had back there, find both of feet of this pair of sneaker, and pull them out. I imagine he looked similar to Michael Douglas in 'Falling Down' walking down the freeway in his current state.
Again, that is just Tony.
bartendr412: What happened to the driver that hit Tony's car?
dmt13: He sped away, he didn't stop and nobody knows what happened to him.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410374958 | 1410401926 | t3_2g133l | t5_2to41 | 14 | lonely_poet98: TIFU by checking the history
So this didn't happen today, but last summer.
Back story:
So, my brother (14) and I (16)
Shared a room for about 4 years. In that room we had Google TV, and being the teenagers we are, we would exchange the names of porn actresses for research purposes.
Enough backstory.
One day we were browsing Chrome on our TV and we came across a Nirvana article mentioning Kurt Cobain being friends with Layne Staley. Now whether or not it was true, it was still an interesting read.
We never got to finish the article because of Summer homework, but I still was fixated on reading the rest.
But neither of us bookmarked the page so I proceeded to check the history.
Now, my brother is infamous for spending long periods of time in the bathroom and I'm a patient guy, but he's request to wait until he was out to read it was ridiculous. (He can spend an hour in there, no problem.)
so I proceeded to check the history.
Problem was, we didn't bookmark the page. Eh, no big deal I'll just check the history.
So I did.
What I saw...changed how I felt about my little brother.
Gay Porn
Gay torture
Gay gangbang
Gay bukkake
Step Brother porn
He Even had some gay actors by name by the looks of the history
Gay.... Everything
Now don't get me wrong I'm fine with gay people. I'm all for equality.
But he's always the first person to "gaybash" people regardless of sexual orientation.
I left the room in a laughing fit.
I think I left the screen on the history page because when I came back it was deleted.
Needless to say I didn't find that article...
TL;DR
Little brother is into gay porn
BigBobsBootyBarn: "Little brother is into gay porn"
You mean **Little brother is gay**
*Not that there's anything wrong with that*
878lettuces: Well not necessarily I know people who just enjoy watching it and are straight but yeah probably.
steezyvape: Dude, no straight guy watches gay porn. It doesn't happen. You know people who pretend to be straight but are secretely gay.
ScalemateHime: Yeah. His "gaybashing" sounds like he's very insecure about it. I hope he can feel more comfortable in time. That kind of thing has always sounded like pure hell to me. Also, this is kind of unrelated, but to satiate my curiosity without looking anything up: Is porn usually that extreme or have I just introduced myself to a world of mental trauma in the form of "yep all porn is like this"?
lonely_poet98: No, not all porn is like that, but if you delve deep enough you can find some pretty (for lack of better words) fucked up things that can and will traumatize you.
steezyvape: Dude, we're already on reddit, it's not like you have to go any further than any search bar anywhere on the internet. lol.
| 7 | 2 | |
1410376127 | 1410377216 | t3_2g159h | t5_2to41 | 7 | Harpo3: TIFU by taking about a FWB behind her back
I'm a senior in high school, and for the past couple of days I've had a friends with benefits with a girl a find attractive, however some of my friends find her "repulsive". Well everyone found out, of course, and was making fun of her and I at lunch (she wasn't there). They were saying some really hurtful stuff about her being gross.
For a little bit of context we eat lunch in a hallway in a hidden between the theatre and the lobby. So meanwhile the bashing of this girl is going on and I start to agree with them. Well because peer pressure. Might I also add that we are talking fucking loud. All of the sudden out of the lobby doorway storms in one of my better friends Logan who is also the FWB girls best friend. Uh-oh.
Turns out they were sitting in the lobby and heard it all. Oops.
He says "you're acting like a little douchebag. You need to stop."
She's in my 7th hour and didn't show up. Turns out she left school early. Oh man did I fuck up.
steezyvape: Yeah you did, why did you start talking shit about her? This is high school, everyone talks to everyone. Even if she hadn't shown up and heard everything you said, someone would of told her.
Also, why would you talk shit about someone you are sleeping with?
Harpo3: The people I was talking to made me regret it.
steezyvape: That was your first fuckup, listening to peer pressure.
Fuck the haters, do what you gon' do.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410376633 | 1410445054 | t3_2g1676 | t5_2to41 | 2,949 | nh2d: TIFU by taking an upskirt of my students and presenting it to the entire class.
I'm a 24 y/o male software developer who is participating in a volunteer program which aims to promote Computer Science education in high schools.
I teach one section of a Post-AP Data Structures Course at an all girls catholic high school.
I was presenting in class this morning and my stupid surface pro 3 kept going into standby so i would have to walk over and swipe to unlock it again... One time I mistakenly (still unsure how to even do this intentionally) swiped to the camera, and the way the surface was angled it was upskirting the entire front row of students and presenting it on the big screen.
I freaked out and started swiping around like a lunatic and ended up TAKING A PICTURE. So then I angled the surface away from the front row while I figured my shit out (whole class is laughing at me and I'm red-faced and sweating bullets)... My solution at this point was to continue frantically swiping around the screen... As a result I ended up swiping to the picture I had just taken (see aforementioned upskirt)...
Oh and since this is my first year teaching the principal of the school chooses random days to attend my classes to take notes on my teaching "prowess" (or rather lack thereof). Today was one of those days.
TL;DR 3 weeks into class I upskirted the front row of girls and presented it to the entire class and also the principal of the school.
EDIT: As per request I can elaborate a bit... While I was in the process of partially accidentally plausibly incriminating myself as a sex offender / introducing Linked Lists to the class, the principal of the school was (to my relief) cracking jokes: "Uhhh what's going on over there Mr. _______?? You having some technical difficulties??" And I also had several students simultaneously telling me different things to do to get the camera off the screen. Not a single one of which my panicked, horrified self listened to. After a tantalizing ~15 seconds spent with the picture displaying on the screen I finally noticed the "unlock" icon. I was able to get back to my presentation, and I proceeded to apologize to the students in the front row for indecently exposing them. I have a feeling the principal will let this slide, but I have not spoken to her about it yet. Were I the principal I would have absolutely no idea how I would start the conversation discussing what happened today...
EDIT: Just making it clear I do not have the picture. The surface pro 3 is school-issued and does not leave the school. I will ask the principal to remove the picture assuming it was automatically saved to the HDD. And also please be careful ppl because moderators [will ban](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2g1676/tifu_by_taking_an_upskirt_of_my_students_and/ckesna5) if you ask for pics :)
[FOLLOW-UP] EDIT: [Diagram](http://imgur.com/IhcyMdd) as requested by so many. Today we had a faculty meeting, and before the big faculty meeting we had a small get together for the Post-AP Course Teachers with the principal. We were discussing how we would have the students save their work/progress (exporting/importing from eclipse onto thumb drives, just directly using a workspace that is running directly off the thumb drives so we don't have to worry about import/export at all, etc.). The conversation circled around to the topic of switching off of the surface pro 3s and moving the classroom into a computer lab with desktops, and I decided to try to use this as an opportunity to bring up yesterday's incident in a joking manor: "And if we switch to classrooms with desktops we won't have to worry about any technical difficulties like yesterday with the camera...haha" Fortunately we all laughed it off, and the principal said "Yeah that's just a weird situation. There are some mistakes that can be especially uncomfortable at an all girl's catholic school, as you've learned." This was such a huge relief. But then later on we were discussing alternate forms of checking homework besides having the teacher(s) walking between rows and looking at all the students' computers individually, and I brought up how it gets really crowded and cramped trying to walk between the rows. And my co-teacher joked "Yeah especially since the students think you are going to take pictures of them now" and I kind of ducked my head down and puttered "Can we please put this behind us..." in a somewhat self-deprecating / joking manor. The principal got a bit more serious and said "Yes, let's not talk about this anymore." And so... we won't be talking about this anymore. Thanks everyone for the advice / feedback!
PS I told the principal and the other teachers about this post at the meeting^
chachachoudhary: TL;DR Software engineers nowadays can't even exit cameras.
agentlame: Correct. It took me like 10 minutes to actually figure out how to send a pic with snapchat.
SDION: To be fair, that UI is pretty fucking unintuitive.
...also terribly ugly.
flugsibinator: I hate how I can't rotate to take pics or videos.
_Quadro: Hold the 'capture' button. It works because of things.
flugsibinator: I know how to record video. I meant that I want to be able to take pics and videos in landscape mode.
sransbury: Why do you need a landscape mode?
Don't you just take the picture holding the phone sideways? Then when you are reviewing the picture/video (before you send it) you can keep the phone sideways and add a caption that will be in the correct orientation (the caption does rotate depending on how you were holding the phone when you started it).
When the person gets the picture/video they can just rotate their phone to read the caption and see the picture/video the correct way.
flugsibinator: That doesn't work because I keep my phone orientation locked. Oh well. Thanks though!
Dumblydoe: I unlock it
Add text
Send snap
Re-lock it
System0verlord: Is it time-formatted?
Dumblydoe: How do you mean?
System0verlord: Daft Punk reference. Sorry
| 13 | 226.846154 | |
1410379071 | 1410379707 | t3_2g1aub | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking it was ok to tell one of the worst jokes I know and never being allowed back to my friend's birthday parties.
It was a really close friend's birthday. It is tradition we go to one of my favorite beer fests with a large group of her friends. This is one of the few times of the year I truly let loose and get completely smashed. I even go as far as tossing on my lederhosen for this momentous occasion. So the day is going great and I befriend my close friend's other close friend, "Lauren," from out of town. My friend has told her a lot about me and we clicked pretty well.
After an intense 4 hours of drinking over 30 samples of beer, I blew into a breathalyzer a .212. So let's just say I was pretty hammered. However, I am a very happy drunk and get silly. I am also known for having off color humor but most people (even strangers) know it is meant as satire and not serious at all.
In true celebratory fashion we follow up the beer fest with a wine bar down the street from the venue for cake and yes... more drinking. Lauren took on the role of taking care of me so I didn't get into trouble for the 4 blocks it took to walk there.
At the wine bar, Lauren sits me down and drills me with questions about myself and why I don't date the birthday girl. I am polite and tell her no, we are just friends and it's better that way than to mess things up. She then asks me where I grew up. I tell Lauren and she gets excited because she's Jewish and my hometown is 80% Jewish, however I am one of the few non-Jews. I make my typical joke when somebody assumes because I am from this area I am Jewish. "I am not Jewish but I've been to temple more times than church" (which is true because I never went to church growing up but went to synagogs in the area for all my friends bar/bat mitzvahs. She laughs but during all these questions she starts to become increasingly rude toward other friends of mine at the party calling them freeloaders. I stick up for them and say no, they're actually really cool people and they'll look out for Emily. I point to some other people that I knew were freeloaders.
So, Lauren tells me she heard I was pretty funny and wants to hear jokes. I say well... do you want really stupid jokes or really fucked up ones? She's like oh what kind of really fucked up ones? I say well... how about some Jewish jokes? I learned them all from my Jewish friends. So I go ahead with some of the lighter jokes like "Why do Jews have big noses... Air is free." She laughs and wants more and more. I abide but then she asks for more, I said I better not the other ones are seriously really fucked up and given I am wearing traditional German/Bavarian clothes, I really better not. She insists so I first say... "Oh, I forgot to tell you my grandfather was killed in a concentration camp.... A bunch of Jews threw him off a guard tower" (My G-Pa was actually a US Army Air Corps Bomber Pilot). She looked at me horrified but she still wanted more. I reluctantly obliged and even told her I didn't want to say it ... "What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? ... Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven." After a long awkward pause, she takes one of the cupcakes smashes it in my face and moves away from me. I go about my business because I was incredibly smashed, I just though oh she's just being pissy in general.
I go about my night and continue being silly with other friends. A couple days later I reach out to my friend who had the birthday and talked about how it was a great time and her friend Lauren was pretty cool but then she got all rude. My friend tells me... Yeah she said you were being really anti-Semitic. I asked if my friend believes I am and tried to explain but she would have nothing of it. My friend says she knows I am the furthest person from being racist or bigoted, but I still offended her other close friend. My friend decided to choose her side and tell me it is probably best NOT to come to any of her birthday celebrations in the future.
This happened almost a year ago and her birthday is within the next month so I am curious if it was forgotten or wound that will reopen.
TLDR: Amazing beerfest, got drunk, asked to tell Jewish jokes from a Jew, now labeled as Anti-Semitic and no longer invited back to a close friend's future birthday celebrations.
[deleted]: If she really asked for it then she has no right to be offended.
Bigringcycling: Thank you and agreed.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1410379550 | 1410452331 | t3_2g1bph | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by downloading torrents
TIFU by downloading torrents. I received an email from my ISP letting me know that my ip address was used to download music. Torrent in fact, and i had received over 300 emails regarding different songs. I dont want to mention too many details as im not sure everything is resolved, but after calling and talking to a representative I was told that i was being charged with over 700 counts of copyright infringement. they only wanted 20$ per infringement to settle, so what only 14k? Fortunately for me the rights group advocating for the company (BMG) decided to settle for a total of 800$, im quite worried that the lady on the phone was completely incompetent and just had me pay 800$ for nothing. Either TIFU by downloading torrents or by actually paying for something that would have gone away.
TL;DR Paid 800$ to escape litigation for torrenting 700 songs.
QuiteCertain: You could have just used youtube-mp3.
g-six: Some people like their music with a certain quality.
fezzo: 720p and above on YouTube has 320kbps bitrate which is quite acceptable. Definitely not FLAC style quality but good enough for most people.
| 4 | 4 | |
1410379125 | 1410396444 | t3_2g1ay5 | t5_2to41 | 99 | ShartsofEndeerment: TIFU by talking a walk with my girlfriend.
This isn't from today, this is a couple years ago. It was a Sunday afternoon, a gorgeous summer day. I was off of work, and it was suggested by my PETA member, vegetarian girlfriend at the time for us to take a walk in the park along the river. We dress for summer city park hiking(shorts T shirt and sneakers for me, Short skirt, tiny tank top, and flip flops for her). So we get out the door, and being that we lived not even a five minute walk from the river, we were there in fairly short order.
The walk in was fairly uneventful. We were harassed by some geese on the way onto the trail. I know we were talking while walking the path, no clue what about anymore. We get towards the end of the park trail, and see it's blocked by a fence that extends out into the river a few feet with a gazebo right there. We decide to just sit right there and take in some whiskey and nuggets. Not too much time passes before she starts getting amorous, and starts giving me a hummer right there in the gazebo.
So, I'm thinking to myself that this is the best possible outcome for the walk. I was half right. It was the best part of the walk, definitely the peak of the day(ba-duh-duh). I should have realized that when there are peaks, there are valleys as well.
After hanging out around the enclosure at the end of the trail, we decide to walk back out. It's nearing sunset, and all I can hear is a goose honking up the trail past the top of the hill we're coming to. I honk back. Of course the goose sounds off again, and of course I respond in kind. This goes back and forth with my girlfriend warning me not to antagonize the goose. I really should have listened. No one has ever accused me of being fluent in goose. It'd be like those scenes in movies where the idiot starts making fake French language noises to a native Frenchman. Ok, maybe a bad example using French. You get the point.
I've been quiet as far as goose noises go for a couple minutes now. We crest the rise, and there's one goose, an all white goose, at the right side of the trail. My side of the trail. There were two others about fifteen feet behind him. Clearly his backup or witnesses or some shit. We walk past this goose and as soon as we cross it's face, the thing drops it's head and goes at the back of my ankles!! Apparently I had called it's mother a molting old duck jizzmopper, or perhaps it was something more personal than that. No clue. Again, I don't speak goose.
I spin and start hopping backwards away from the goose, deflecting it's head with my foot. I'm not trying to hurt it, just discourage the damned devil fowl. After a short time of this, the goose notices my girlfriend laughing hysterically off to the side. It's having no luck getting through my foot helicopter, so it charges the girl wearing a short skirt and flip flops.
"Oh FUCK NO!" I scramble to my left getting myself in between the creature and her and boot that malevolent, waterborne, menace in the head. I kicked it hard. The thing was unfazed. Turned it's head and came at me again. Of course I go back into my newly patented backwards hopping foot helicopter anti goose defense as I had before. This motherfucking goose has other ideas about that. It feints right and left quickly, and I start to get the idea that this goose will not stop. Like it's some sort of T-101/goose hybrid. Suddenly, as fast as a goose has any right to be, this fucking goose jumps, flaps it's wings and uses it's snakelike neck to snap at my face.
Time seems to slow down, almost like bullet time from Max Payne. I lean backwards, and swing my open right hand in a wild arc. My hand connects and I grab on as I open my eyes. I have this goose by the neck just under it's head. Now, this goose and I kind of have a moment where neither of us know quite what the fuck to do. The goose is trying to swat me with it's legs and buffet me with it's wings. No luck there. I'm just stunned. I'm holding a goose off the ground by basically it's head and neck.
I can't just let this shithead go. It'll attack us again. So I spin and swing my arm with the goose in an underhand arc. A hammer toss if you will. This goose soars about 30 feet, like a North Korean ballistic missile before crashing to earth with a belly skid. The thing stands up turns to face me again, and puts both of it's wings up as if it had won the exchange. Then saunters off with it's buddies.
I'm left speechless with my girlfriend at the moment, the vegetarian, card carrying PETA member. We walked home kind of quietly, neither wanting to talk about the incident until we have a few more drinks in us and the adrenaline cools off a bit. As you can imagine, my girlfriend was not overly thrilled about my having to MMA fight a goose. Even less so, being the animal activist that she was. Fun thing is, she still let me abuse her clam later that night.
Edit for spacing. Thanks RmRxCm.
Edit 2: Just looked at a photo on a link below. The bird was all white. Maybe there are all white geese? Though I'm thinking it's possible that I flung a swan.
TIL I don't know much about asshole birds.
Oh_great_: Reminds me of the time I was ambushed during my paper run by about 5 geese. They jumped me from behind, I felt a nip on my ankle and I involuntarily swung around and kicked one in the head. Dropped like a sack of potatoes. I felt terrible, and started to check to see if it was alright, and I was suddenly surrounded by the rest of the geese, all there to protect their fallen brother. I bolted, but the geese gave chase! I had no option except to fight. So I did. I fought a group of geese. And won. Mainly because the one I had kicked had thankfully gotten back up and barked orders at his army, who had then slowly retreated. I sat there for 5 minutes in stunned disbelief.
ShartsofEndeerment: Geese are the psychopaths of the animal world. They give zero fucks generally.
TerminusEst86: Swans are worse. Trust me.
ShartsofEndeerment: How so?
TerminusEst86: Had a family member attacked by one. It broke her arm, and she had to get multiple stitches.
ShartsofEndeerment: Fucking hell, we may have to form a coalition of the willing against these strongarm demonfowl.
| 7 | 14.142857 | |
1410377975 | 1410440566 | t3_2g18so | t5_2to41 | 70 | snickers_and_doodles: TIFU Wrong Cream on the No-No Zone
A while back I was vacationing with my fiance at his parent's house. They have a rule about not sleeping in the same room until you're married so I was on my own in an unfamiliar room. I had been getting the early signs of a vaginal infection and wanted to treat it before it got any worse. With all the constant visiting and getting-to-know-you's the time was extremely limited, and I didn't have access to a car to take a quick spin to the drug store. I made do and tried to cope with the intense itching that was getting nearly unbearable.
Let me tell you about the WORST freaking time to want (NEED) to scratch your nethers...
I didn't want to tell my fiance, because "Ew, gross.", but I was getting desperate. I was certainly not going to ask my soon-to-be mother in law if she had any spare Monistat, so I took to scavenging through medicine cabinets while no one was looking, but I still couldn't find anything.
Late that night while lying in bed I was dying. Seriously. I thought for sure I was going to tear skin and I couldn't sleep with the unbearable compulsion to jam a hairbrush up there and go to town. Seriously. After an hour of torturous unrest I flung myself out of bed and sprinted to the guest bathroom. I didn't want to wake anyone, so I didn't turn on the lights. I emptied the cabinet as quietly as I could in one last desperate search for some relief. In the dark my hands found a small, tube-ish feeling thing and not having my glasses on, read the print on the tube as "C-something." Ahh! Yes!! Cortizone!! My poor throbbing flower had been spared!! Anti-itch cream was exactly what I'd been searching for and would definitely tide me over till morning. I tip-toed back to my room and feverishly gooped my fingers full of the paste. I spread myself open and smeared and sighed with satisfaction. FINALLY. I could sleep.
For the first 2.2 seconds I was unsure, but thought maybe the warming sensation was just my abrasions from so much scratching being medicated. But then...like the sensation you get after sitting on a too-hot pleather carseat...the heat turned from a slight warming to "HOLY EFFING SHIITE MUSLIMS."
It was like sitting on an anthill. Or straddling a volcano. Or using a branding iron as a dildo. Tears instantly starting flowing. This was horrific. Again I sprinted to the bathroom this time not giving two shits who heard me and turned the faucet to full blast. I soaked the hand towels in cold water and hurriedly stuffed them betwixt my now flaming loins. Nothing was helping. I seriously thought I might pass out. I thought about calling for help, but decided I'd rather die of a first degree flaming labia than embarrassment so I steeled myself against failure.
For what felt like FOREVER I rinsed and re-soaked the towels with cold water and cleaned myself off. After a while I felt the intense burning subside to more of a tingling numbness so I gave up and hobbled back to my room. I grabbed the tube and my glasses and slapped on the light switch. "Capsaicin." Not cortizone; but capsaicin. Oh. My. God. TIFU by applying the heat of a thousand suns to my tender bits.
AbjectUnicorns: The real question is why is there capsaicin inside of your fiance's guest bathroom.
Tolger: Seriously, why is this not being focused on?
That's the strangest place for that...accidents are bound to happen.
JimasaurusRex: Capsaicin is now being used as a treatment for arthritis. It numbs the pain I guess.
anonymousforever: it's a counter-irritant, is the technical name for the product, same idea as icy-hot etc. the heat generated by menthol, capsaicin, etc is basically a sensation distraction from the pain/discomfort of your injury.
Yep... that's what op got... a distraction indeed, and a very potent reminder to turn on the light and read labels carefully when one intends to apply said item to one's tender bits.
snickers_and_doodles: Glasses. And light! Always lights. A lesson I shall never forget!!
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1410379775 | 1410556166 | t3_2g1c38 | t5_2to41 | 2,489 | streamsidecoconuts: TIFU telling my boyfriend to pee in my mouth. NSFW
This past weekend was fun and I'm seeing this very nice man with whom I spend most evenings. We had been out to dinner and a movie, and after some beers we settled in for sleep, maybe sexytimes. Now, weekend or no, he will get up literally ten times to pee before going to sleep. He says he just wants to make sure so it won't wake him up, and no he doesn't actually have to go that much, he is just a teeny bit anxious. He's very sweet, docile, and kind of submissive.
Well I was wanting to fool around after our romantic outing, and there's some nice foreplay and things are heating up and he sighs, says "hang on, I just want to go pee real quick."
I'm leaning over the bed, we are both nude, and I say "don't leave, just pee in my mouth" and I do an exaggerated porno open-mouth face. He put his stuff above my head, bursts out laughing and says he can't do it and starts to walk out the door. I was still in kinky vixen mode and now I know he can't do it, just as I figured, so I say all sexy-like "you're not leaving this room until you pee in my mouth."
Ok, I know. Bluff once, sure. Twice? . . .in my defense the exchange happened very quickly.
So, he resumes the position. There was this moment then where I could tell he was holding his breath, and I think, "waiiit a sec- " PLOP. Big droplet right on the center of my tongue.
I literally didn't think he had it in him.
Tl;dr Asked jokingly for piss mouth. Learned once is joke, twice you get what you ordered.
Edit: I've seen the hate toward "that ain't a tifu" and "why so much sex tifu" and I can understand it. I've been a lurker here a while and I get sick of repetitive reddit too. This story is true, it happened in the past few days, and people seem to get a kick out of it. If there's a better forum so be it, my first contribution just happened to be this.
itssallgoodman: On a side note, if your boyfriend has to constantly pee, make sure he isn't diabetic.
streamsidecoconuts: I was waiting for this comment, and the...fluid, it was kind of sweet. Since I'm a doctor (I mean redditor) I did address this with him. Apparently he had urine and fasting blood work recently and all is well. Thank you for the thought.
omnipotant: What a great way that would be to find out you have diabeetus. If I ever date a doctor, remind me to pee in their mouth.
streamsidecoconuts: I think that doctors used to do that. A while ago there was a TIL in which a guy found out he was diabetic from a similar incident to my tifu, and his doctor friend clued him in.
PixelOrange: Yes, it is how they used to do it. That's also why diabetes insipidus is named how it is, despite not technically being a form of diabetes that everyone knows.
I would have him checked for iabetes insipidus. It's likely he has that and it would not show up on a diabetus mellitus test.
thatoneguy172: I have diabetes insipidus, please tell me more!
PixelOrange: I first learned about diabetes insipidus when my wife believed she had it. She hasn't been tested yet, but her excessive thirst has diminished somewhat so we're not sure that's what was up now.
The etymology of the word comes from the Latin word "diabetes" (siphon, to pass through) and "insipidus" (tasteless).
All urine should have a scent and taste to it. Those with diabetes mellitus had excess glucose in their system which would result in sweet urine. It was one of the first diseases described, found in an Egyptian manuscript.
What some doctors found was completely tasteless/odorless urine in patients with excessive urinating (so still diabetes because of the siphon effect). This is diabetes insipidus.
The mechanisms that cause the two are completely different. Diabetes mellitus is a result of pancreatic problems. Diabetes insipidus is a result of neurological or kidney issues. In some cases, people with alcohol or drug abuse can also form DI.
http://io9.com/5953234/urine-flavor-wheels-helped-doctors-diagnose-patients-pee-centuries-ago is a source which contains some legitimite medical sites that say that there were urine taste wheels and "mellitus" means "to sweeten with honey". Egyptians couldn't tell that there was excess glucose in the urine. They didn't have microscopes.
Edit: I temporarily forgot how to read.
TonicClonic: Good thing we have microscopes today to see the excess glucose
PixelOrange: It's more effective to just take blood samples now anyway.
TonicClonic: You are trolling right? You know you can't see dissolved glucose under the microscope right?
PixelOrange: Not a chemist so no, I assumed that it would be visible since it wasn't processed.
Anyway that wasn't the point. The point was the only option they had was tasting piss compared to now where we can test for it with more scientific methods.
TonicClonic: Well it's alright. Glucose molecules are really really small, you can only see with an electron microscope, which uses electrons to detect small things like atoms. With a light microscope (the one the magnifies images by 'focusing' light in a specific direction) you can only see a couple of micrometers, maybe a couple hundred nanometers, I'm not sure about the best newest light microscopes. The glucose molecule is composed of 24 atoms which is too small to see under the microscope. The principle behind that is that visible light, in other words the one detectable by the human eye , has a wavelength of a couple of nanometers. For you to see something, light has to bounce in the object. According to Wikipedia, a glucose molecule is only 700 picometers, which is orders of magnitude smaller than the wavelength of visible light, so it would not be detected by visible light. You might be able to see atoms using smaller wavelengths, like x rays.
You can see crystallized glucose because it is composed of million and millions of glucose molecules. Glucose dissolved in water is all by itself so it's not visible. Once it starts cristallizing, for example when the concentration is way too high, like in candy or when you put too much sugar in your coffee that it won't dissolve anymore (although sugar is not technically glucose but succrose, a molecule of both glucose and sucrose together) then you can see it.
The most common way to detect glucose is to transform it into another compound that can be easily detected or quantified , either chemically or with a color reaction. The most modern methods use enzymes to transform glucose into other stuff, and the electrons involved in the chemical reaction are then detected and quantified electronically. In simple words, depending on the amount of electron detected you can calculate glucose concentrations.
:) have a nice day
sryii: Well saying the electrons are detected is somewhat misleading. Glucose blood tests are done through ELISA, if I remember correctly.
| 14 | 177.785714 | |
1410379594 | 1410571850 | t3_2g1brs | t5_2to41 | 20 | saxophonefartmaster: TIFU by cultivating a monster fart and letting it go at the wrong time
Oh Reddit, today was a day of true fuckuppery in saxophonefartmaster's catalog of life.
Background:
I am a music education major at one of the most highly rated universities in my state. I apologize for all the musical jargin I will be using, but it is all relevant, I swear. Anyway, every music major or minor must take a large or small ensemble as a class, and I chose concert band. Obviously, by the name, you can tell that I am a saxophone major-Baritone sax, to be exact. Anyway, today was a concert band rehearsal, so I had to prepare some music and get things going. In the basement of our music building are some tiny practice rooms where musicians can spend a few hours practicing. I chose one and went over my music before leaving for the band rehearsal.
The Fuck-up:
Last night I ate $17 worth of Taco Bell, and it started to growl during rehearsal. I could feel every muscle in my butt, legs, and even my lower back clench as I held the cloud of methane inside of me. Every time my director would say "runs" or "Blast it, guys!" my innards would turn with discomfort. Fast forward about an hour and he finally lets us go. Now it's time for me to let this beast go. But where? I couldn't go to the restroom, my colleagues were on their way there. My dorm? Not a far walk, but too far to make it. I wanted to be somewhere discreet where I could hear this thing fire off but also be near a toilet in case of a change of state. Finally, the perfect idea came to mind-a practice room! The acoustics were great, they were soundproof, and best of all, there's a restroom not more than 10 steps away. I ran to the basement, leaping over stairs and found my practice room from earlier. This thing was just calling my name. I opened the door and quickly stuck my butt inside the room. And then, blastoff...
When I say this thing sounded like a tuba full of pudding, I am not exaggerating. It made my legs shake. I felt like I just had a gaseous baby. Finally relieved of the pressure, I had to turn my nose into the cloud, just to see if it was worth all that effort trying to hold it in. Let me tell you, I could've singed hairs off of a lesser man. I was truly satisfied-until I opened my eyes.
There she was-One of the cutest girls I have ever seen, yoga pants and all, watching me in horror as I wofted in this gigantic fart that she obviously heard. I mean, I'm surprised it didn't break windows. She kinda smiled and said, "This room is occupied, bud." Of course, in my haste to beat a retreat, all I could say was, "Excuse me." Of all the things I could've said, I said, "Excuse me." She giggled at the irony and again shooed me out the door. As I left, I regained my dignity and shot a quick smile and wink, before booking it to my dorm room, where I currently reside.
Let me tell you this now, because it is a lesson I learned the hard way-Look through the window before the room is safe to fart in.
AMPtastic: You need to totally find that girl again and go out on a date with her!!
swarmleader: agreed
saxophonefartmaster: If only I knew her name. She thought the whole situation was hilarious, considering I played it off all smooth and what-not. I bet I'd actually have a chance, to tell you the truth!
AMPtastic: Fart in an empty room, if she appears, you guys are meant to be
| 5 | 4 | |
1410380426 | 1410384532 | t3_2g1da5 | t5_2to41 | 3 | thatblackbrownguy: TIFU by drawing a puppy
So my teacher asked us to draw a symbol to represent love and i decided HEY why don't i draw a puppy why not I mean puppy's are cute and if you have one they love you (most of the time). So i drew a puppy and she walked by and it looked like a penis she said it out loud to the whole class and refused to listen to me until the end of class.(rip my dignity is gone)
missy070203: love usually leads to the D at some point. Unless you are a lesbian then it's all about the V.
DondeT: And here was me thinking D&V was for diarrhoea and vomiting. Now I know the real reason people were calling in 'sick' to work...
| 3 | 1 | |
1410382299 | 1410383153 | t3_2g1grg | t5_2to41 | 4 | CantKeepItInHerPants: TIFU by talking about safe sex
So I’m 15. I’ve been dating my brother’s 16yo best friend for like 6 months now (though he and I have actually been friends for like 4 years). My parents do not know, because I’m not allowed to date and they also dislike my boyfriend for stupid reasons.
My parents are really overprotective and say that they’ll consider let me date when I’m 16 but even if they decide to let me they will be very restrictive.
They’ve also said that they think I’ll have trouble keeping up my grades and my sports stuff if I also have a boyfriend. Which is ironic, because a) he and I play the same sport and we run/practice together sometimes, and b) my boyfriend is in the grade above me and helped me get straight-As last year.
My parents are pretty big on abstinence so asking my mom to help was not an option. But I’m not an idiot so I went and got a prescription on my own.
My boyfriend was over at our house and came in to help me do the dishes. My mom overheard my boyfriend say that he would drive me to something the next day, and I said that I needed to swing by the pharmacy to pick up my birth control as well. My boyfriend obviously agreed, and I made some dumbass eyebrow-wiggling comment about how it was in his best interest to take me.
My mom came storming into the room and completely freaked out. She made him go home right then and there. And pretty much said he wasn’t welcome back. My mom wanted to know if he had been taking advantage of me and even though I said over and over again that he wasn’t I think she only half-believes me. Like I said, she doesn’t like him for a really stupid reason.
She just kept saying how it was irresponsible of me and that she was so disappointed.
So now I’m so fucking upset and feeling so stupid for letting that happen. My mom and I argued for a bit but my parents are just kind of bulldozing over everything so I’ve kind of given up. My brother initially played dumb but then he fucked it up by trying to defend my boyfriend by saying that he knew my boyfriend loved me. So now my parents are angry at my brother at being like complicit.
**TL;DR: My parents think my boyfriend is taking advantage of me, and I'm still out of birth control.**
ayala965: Soo why doesn't she like him?
CantKeepItInHerPants: So they don't like him because
1. He and my brother got into trouble for something that was kind of out-of-character for my brother, so they kind of assumed it was really my boyfriend's fault.
2. My boyfriend and my brother became friends when they were 11, and then my brother got older and started being more of a teenager. My mom (and kind of my dad) blame some of his behavior on my boyfriend's influence rather than just being in middle/high school.
3. My boyfriend makes me more kind of brave and more likely to challenge them on stuff.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410382728 | 1410383490 | t3_2g1hlv | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU, broke up, on the street, the floor, my pants, my shoes, my socks...
So none of my close friends is a redditor, so not a throwaway.
This happened the other day, could be a week, a month or a year for all you care, jut read the story.
So me and my ex planned a date for a Tuesday lunch, which was not-too-cool-for-me because it meant skipping class(again, as the best day to see her was during Stat 102), so ok, i decide to eat CHEAP dinner and go all out and pay for nice Japanese food, balloons, roses and the works.
So, on the way home from work I find a grill with a little woman on the other side making some meat sticks, I would guess 50g of meat per stick, 0.16$ each stick(USD is not the currency here, this is a conversion). so I eat a bunch, according to me have a hefty dinner consisting of 10 sticks of meat, and proceed home.
Next day I wake up, take a shower, get myself nice and ready, take short walk to the Japanese restaurant, buy a heart shaped balloon and some roses and a little card. This was valentines day so i wanted to earn points to score a win later that day. Get to the restaurant a few minutes early, get a nice table, pre-order her favorite dish, write something nice in the card and wait.
[stomach growls violently]
I get a urgent summon from a toilet, but restrooms are out of order. fuck so i hold it in.
So she arrives late[GRRR], by 30 mins and is very apologetic about the tardiness, i go "nvm, this day is for you", and such. She starts to rant about some surgery she spectated earlier that day(she 3rd year med school, I am not) and goes on and on and on. I was used to this as she is very passionate about her future career, blablabla[GRRRR].
Food arrives on cue[GRRRRR],(good service at the jap place) we eat, take a walk, snog our faces off, walk to a nearby park[GRRRRRR](fell like i am about to die but hold it), and proceed to fight over how her parents hate my guts(very religious family, she does work in her community and i keep her from it and tempt her into lust)[GRRRRRRR] so I snap.(the gut had a strong drain on my willpower)
She had had been consistently late to all appointments, inconsiderate, unthoughtful, uncaring, frigid and only on rarely has she redeemed herself with some gesture or action to the point where it looked like it maybe was worth it(in hindsight it was NOT). I say mean things about all this[RAWRRRR] and send her home on a cab(she pays this). and walk/run home[**RAWWRRRR**](omg i am so dead!!!!).
I start to walk faster but my gut feels the increase pressure, so no running. I walk by my BF/EX's house (best friend of girl i had just broke up with and person who introduced me to her, also started dating out of spite for this girl, but that is another story, and shall be told another time) and feel the cap pop. out starts to come a stream of feces like an iv drip. By this time my eyes where leaking shit, my brain just screamed for me to give in and explode, but I resist.
Eventually I walk the last meters home and feel the stream jump a notch in flow by now I have a visible line of brown running down my leg. As I enter my house the stream becomes a river and as I hurry to my bathroom The spray is stopped only by my shorts. I drop pants and the situation is so aggravated by now that all is brown, I am about to pass out. and then it stops. I crawl into the shower and strip while the water is running on me.
Here I pass out for a solid 30 mins, afterwards follows the humiliating task of hosing down all remains of brown from anywhere around my house. As if pitying me, fate deems it not a soul from the neighborhood notices anything.
The day is lost and I take a second shower. as I do that a second wave hits. By now I am so incentive to all that is feces that i just let it rip in the shower, clean up afterward and continue to lie on the cold tub as wave after wave passes.
The Ordeal ends an I still live. And not a soul has known... until now, that you have read this.
TLDR: ate cheap food, held it in all morning, and exploded on the way home, leaving a brown trail of shame.
Also. Lost the course, burned my clothes, and by miracle, was not seen by anyone i know.
ACURA_NSX: Mike? That u bro??
chachachoudhary: Go away man, he said none of his close friends is a redditor. He obviously doesn't want to talk to you. . .
ACURA_NSX: Chad? that you bro??
chachachoudhary: Yes.
Source: am Chad.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1410377205 | 1410395825 | t3_2g17bq | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling the Police
This actually didn't happen today but around 2002.
I was around 6 years old and my relatives had emigrated to the UK from Sri Lanka. At the same time my cousin was arriving as she was only a teenager my mother went to pick her up. At the time I had a very strong bond with my mother and would go wherever she went (besides the obvious places). 2 weeks before, I had gone for a blood test and from that point despised hospital more than school. To prevent me coming to the airport my mother said she was going to the hospital (which I assumed was a blood test) So that was an immediate nope.avi
She left my relatives to watch over me. As they were both very jet lagged they passed out and once Pokemon ended. I was bored so I decided to call the only number I knew 999. (For those of you that don't know this is the emergency number in the UK). I spoke to the operator (my friend) and said I was alone at home and my mum went to the hospital to get 'needles poked in her'.
Around 5 mins later 5 police cars turn up and my very jet lagged cousin answers the door to be pepper sprayed by Police and restrained. They arrested my aunt and found me in the kitchen balling my eyes out. A hour or so later my mother arrives and has a large discussion with the police officers. She narrowly missed a charge for child neglect.
How do I know this?
Well my mother told me this story a while back and I thought this would be an interesting story to share.
ShowMeYourVegtables: Call me crazy but I don't think this happened.
ScalemateHime: Yeah, it does seem a little *too* OTT to keep my willing suspension of disbelief up.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410383416 | 1410388649 | t3_2g1iul | t5_2to41 | 42 | SavioSega: TIFU by making a dead baby joke at work
This took place a few years ago. At the time, I was 17 and worked at a grocery store.
I was prepping the grocery store for closing with a coworker. We were about the same age and had similar twister senses of humor. We are going back and forth with jokes, raising the bar each time. I decided to tell a joke that I just had heard the other day:
"What's the difference between dead babies and dead baby jokes?"
"Dead baby jokes get old."
We both started laughing after that one, but I had made the mistake of not checking our surroundings before I said it. Luckily, no one heard the joke, but a coworker did hear us laughing and became curious.
She was new to the store, and I did not get a gauge on her sense of humor yet. She begged to hear it, and I kept telling her she wouldn't like it and that I don't want to say it. I finally gave in and told her the joke (which in all seriousness, isn't even that offensive. I have about 10 other dead baby jokes that so much worse).
I will never forget the look on her face. It went from smiling with anticipation to shock and disgust. All she said was "Oh my god!" and walked off. I couldn't believe how negatively she reacted. I figured she was just going to go work with another group of people, but it turns out she went to tell a manager about how inappropriate I was. What a bitch.
I get called in his office over the PA system and it was the longest walk of my life. Would I get written up? Suspended? I didn't know what was going to happen next. I get in his office and all he says is "Tell me the joke." I replied "Are you sure?" "Just tell me the damn joke" he said sternly. "She wouldn't repeat it."
So I quietly said the joke, expecting the worse. He paused...and then started to snicker. "He said that's one is pretty good. No more dead baby jokes though. Get back to work." I'm convinced that if it was another manager, I would have gotten in a lot more trouble.
LucasZero: Your manager seems awesome. Also that girl seems like a tool. She made you tell the joke despite you warning her that she wouldn't like it, then got angry with you when she didn't like it. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?
TerminusEst86: Don't be bringing your LOGIC into this!
| 3 | 14 | |
1410385315 | 1410508290 | t3_2g1mee | t5_2to41 | 17 | DickScooterMcGee: TIFU by, accidentally mistyping /r/tifu at work [NSFW]
So, this happened a few hours ago, and the work day was coming to an end. I work at in IT and its not uncommon for a few of us to browse reddit in between work. The fuck up comes in when I leaned my head back, eyes closed and confidently attempted to touch-type reddit.com/r/tifu. Confident as I was in my ability to touch-type, I typed in /r/yifu....which....is....well...I think the only way for you to find out is to just click the link... Be warned fellow redditors, it is a nsfw sub-reddit and it is sexually disturbing to say the least. In my relaxed state, I kept my head leaned back for a few seconds before I realized my colossal fuck up. A colleague walked by in that few seconds before I could close it. After explaining my situation and scrambling to close the tab, my new nickname is "Guy with the granny porn fetish."
awokenx: Just leaving a Comment so i can find this Post again whem im Home, i wanna click this godamn link.
Idimmu_Xul: You dont srsly.
awokenx: im too curious to dont do it.
Idimmu_Xul: Tell me how it worked out
awokenx: It was dissapointing, i thought it would be worse.
Idimmu_Xul: TBH, i'm proud of u.
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1410386515 | 1410390137 | t3_2g1oki | t5_2to41 | 16 | Dynamicgoat35: TIFU by farting in front of my co-worker
I was at work today and had really bad gas due to the Taco Bell I had earlier, like it was AWFUL. There were a couple times it was unbearable so I decided to just hold it for the remainder of time I had left to work. So I'm in the hot kitchen (I work in a restaurant), and I've been holding it in for a bold hour and a half. I'm clenching my butt cheeks with the force of 100 suns and its hurts so bad. Eventually I look around to check to see if no one was around so I could release the power within and there wasn't at the time so I fart for a good solid couple of seconds. It felt so good, but then I turned and saw that one of my hot co-workers walked into the kitchen just as I had finished the deed, and walks behind me. I felt so bad because she walked through the no-go zone but felt worse when she had a disgusted look on her face as she walked away. I couldn't make eye contact with her for the rest of the day. Fuck.
Muchhappiernow: Ah the old Hot Poo Cloud. Don't worry, she does it too.
joeym40: Haha yeah hopefully you catch her in the act then.
misf1ts: Whoopi cushion her...
| 4 | 4 | |
1410385084 | 1410418543 | t3_2g1lzb | t5_2to41 | 5 | Hillo1212: TIFU by playing dodgeball with a cricket ball
A bunch of my friends are going off to university in a few days, so we were reminiscing about old times, and this piece of gold was brought up as it always is in these moments.
So there was a time when we used to hang out behind the music blocks at our old school by this tree. We often got bored and played games like "Let's throw shoes in that tree" or "Let's put friends lunch in that tree" .. needless to say that tree meant a lot to us, before those damned builders chopped them all down to build an ugly ass changing room block. Any-who, on one of these days we found this cricket ball, but obviously didn't have a cricket bat so we decided to play dodgeball. The game went along the lines of everyone run the fuck away from the guy with the cricket ball until he threw it at your legs, crippling you. One time though, I saw my friend running passed me, about 20 feet away, so I threw it casually in his direction, however my sub-conscious aim is apparently infinitely better than my conscious, and all I could do is watch as my friend jogged along, watching the ball slowly move close to intercepting his path. I just remember seeing this ball collide... and him, slowly but gracefully, smash his fucking chin on the dry mud ground, and stay still.
After a minute or so of slapping his face, he came to, and we are all convinced that, about 5 years later, he is still not the same. We think we may have rewired his brain.
Edit: Splelingz
torgoatwork: That kids name ... Ben Affleck.
Hillo1212: Everyone in my school was balled Ben Affleck. It was Ben Affleck Community College, so yeah, everyone was a future batman
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410388418 | 1410388988 | t3_2g1rwc | t5_2to41 | 9 | HelloWalt: TIFU by making ravioli on my birthday
So today I turned 20. I’m a college student and was having a long and boring day full of classes and homework.
I finally was all finished, had just gotten home and was feeling pretty good. Instead of taking a nap I decided to make the pork ravioli that I had spent all week thinking about.
Midway through making it I began to think that maybe I should be treating myself to some takeout since it’s my birthday and all…but whatever, too late to stop now, and the ravioli will be delicious. Anyways, I barely overcook it but that’s OK---it will still taste delicious…
So I grab my plate and a glass of water, and am walking up the stairs to my room to enjoy some internet and ravioli when shit hits the floor…I fucking tripped and smashed my plate into the stairs.
After gathering my pissed off self I decide that I’ll be alright, I can just go eat out. I go grab another plate to scrape the ravioli and broken glass onto. I still can’t believe what happened so I take a picture of what I thought was a pretty pathetic sight.
http://imgur.com/L4Wyj87
However, the most pathetic part was yet to come. The ravioli never make it to the second plate.
For the next five minutes I celebrated my birthday by sitting on my dirty ass floor and eating the ravioli off of it.
TL;DR – spent my birthday eating ravioli off the floor
fellaphant: Yeah, those stairs look nasty. Weren't you worried about eating a piece of the plate?
HelloWalt: I figured since the pasta was so mushy I would be able to tell if there was any glass in my bite...but yeah I probably ended up digesting some. I was not thinking too clearly.
| 3 | 3 | |
1410389779 | 1410451700 | t3_2g1u64 | t5_2to41 | 841 | thetimetabler: TIFU by accidentally sexting a 15yr old girl instead of my girlfriend NSFW
Me and my girlfriend took some pretty explicit pictures after having sex this morning. These included me completely naked, laughing at the camera and a few of the red handprint on my girlfriend's naked arse.
She grabbed the phone and told me she was sending them to herself (on her phone), so I left her to it.
Later that day I get a phone call from an unknown number. This turns out to be an extremely angry father threatening to call the police on me for sending massively inappropriate images to his 15 year old daughter. When I say extremely angry, I mean **extremely**! His voice was shaking and he was properly shouting at me. I had absolutely no idea how this happened and started to panic. After spending a few minutes trying to convince him that I was not some malicious creep, he calmed down slightly and accepted that this was an accident.
Turns out her old number was saved in my messaging app, despite deleting the number a while ago from the contact. The number had been re-used by a different phone company and had been given to some innocent 15 year old girl who was, to quote 'luckily very mature for her age'.
Here's to hoping a picture of me doesn't appear on the web.
TParis00ap: Technically, your girlfriend sexted a 15 yr old girl. And I'd go with that defense when the cops arrive.
chodeking: This is one small reason on how to get dumped, hated, and murdered by an ex.
ShadowStalker22: But at least you're not branded as a pervert.
YouGotAte: Nah, just as a dead guy.
LegendaryPrimate: In this society, I'd rather die than be labeled a sex offender. It's a sad statement, but true.
GimmickNG: I read that as "I'd rather die then be labelled a sex offender"
TraumaticTuna: What the fuck?
uberpandajesus: I read closer, he meant he thought the comment was he'd rather die and then still be labelled as a sex offender
jjungsch: This is a case where italics or bold really comes in handy.
| 10 | 84.1 | |
1410387866 | 1410396535 | t3_2g1r04 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU: Capscium Cream on BFs Inner Thigh
This was Winter 2013 - I purchased a joint and pain relief medicine from a local pharmacy. BFs mother swears by it and I decided I would try it. That night I put it on my ankles and instantly felt like I was walking ankle deep in hell fire. It numbed the pain shortly but was only replaced by the pain of an inferno on my skin. I ran to the bathroom and washed it, furiously, for 25 minutes. The pain finally subsided and I went back to the room to find him wincing and grunting in pain. His lower back was hurting and he had an itch in the thigh area. ...well, let's just say it took longer then 25 minutes for his burning to go away.
Safe to say, I won't be using capsicum cream anymore.
Teotwawki69: >I purchased a joint and pain relief medicine from a local pharmacy.
They sell pot at pharmacies in your area? Wow!
guiltydreams: Not yet.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410388945 | 1410392506 | t3_2g1srf | t5_2to41 | 4 | tatonka96: TIFU by trying to be a manly wilderness guide
As you can guess, this took place a few months ago.
A little backstory: over the summer I was a wilderness canoe guide at a Boy Scout camp in northern Minnesota. My job was to take groups of kids and adults into the woods for 5-9 days and teach them the ropes of paddling and navigating the Minnesotan/Canadian woods.
So this happened on my second trip of the summer. We were 6 days into a 9 day trip in Canada, and we were about half a day behind schedule due to inclement weather(mostly dangerously high wind/big waves). I knew that this day was gonna be a rough start, with 6 portages(which is where you carry the canoe over land because the lake ends) in the morning alone. It starts out well though: we hammer out the first two and are looking for the third by 9 am.
Now here's the thing about Canada: Ontario Parks Service really tries to make it a WILDERNESS, so trails are quite rugged. Some disappear into the woods, some are consumed by swamps, and some are plain gone. To compensate for this, during training I was taught how to distinguish spots where a trail should be, like finding rocky landings and dips in the treeline.
Getting back to the story, were on this lake forks off on the end where the trail is. According to our 35 year old maps, its on the right end of the far side. As we get closer, were having a helluva time trying to find it. But wait, whats this? A patch of rocks about 2 feet wide! Why, that could be a portage! So myself and one of the adult leaders land and check it out. Now I think I see a trail and tell him that I'll check it out. I said that it looks like a decent trail and that I shouldn't need a buddy. Before I leave, though, he gives me his whistle, so that, just in case the canoe guide gets lost, I can signal where I am. So with no map, compass, or water, I confidently head into the bush.
It takes me a solid five minutes of fallowing I don't even know what to realize that this is not a trail at all. I say alright, we'll look elsewhere and try to keep moving, no biggie. I turn around and start to head back. Now I don't know how I didn't notice but it takes about twice as long for me to get to the edge of land, and at that it's not even really water that I hit. It's a swamp! So great, I made a wrong turn. No big deal, because I remembered from the map that it was located just past the left point of the lake my crew was on. I just had to turn towards that and walk a ways. Easy.
No, not easy. Apparently I have the directional skills of a headless chicken on a turntable, because I ended up AT THE NEXT LAKE OVER!!! This is where I realized that I've fucked up pretty bad. I think that if I find the trail that I'm sure is there, then I can take it back and find my crew. But after walking in the water along the shore for a few minutes, I got tired and gave up. So break out the whistle, prepare myself, and let out a 3 second blast. It not only shattered the quiet of the woods but my manly man ego. How could the WILDERNESS GUIDE get LOST!
Anyways, I start making my way back, sweaty, thirsty, and well bruised from bushwhacking. Following a few more quick blasts from the whistle, I finally hear the cries of my guys calling out for me. I follow the call, and come across one of the adult leaders, who also looks pretty winded from having to brave the brush.
"Oh man, we thought you were gone there for a while." was the first thing he said. Gee, what an impression I made on my scouts.
Now, here's the worst part. When I got back to the group, they informed the that they found the portage, ON THE SIDE BY THE SWAMP! I practically walked right over the trail and didn't notice! What a guide I am, right?
Overall, that little adventure cost us about an hour of our time and my credibility as a wilderness guide. My crew ended up forgiving me and they had a great trip overall, but that colossal fuck up was definitely a stain on the trek.
TL;DR Tried to find a trail for a group I was guiding by myself, ended up getting lost.
1st_lurker: Bear grills?
tatonka96: Man I wish :P
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410391586 | 1410392915 | t3_2g1x94 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU Dumping my Gf to chase a gril I think I love and getting back with my Gf after she rejected me.
TIFU this is ongoing.
I have been with a lovely woman for almost 2 years. I enjoy her company and we get along; however we have completely different interests and ideas about life. I realised recently I didnt love her, because I dont. Could I see myself marrying this girl? Yes because we get along and I know thats what she wants.
I have a female friend, which I have had since childhood. We are pretty much identical when it comes to interests, and its never really been awkward or sexual and I can honestly say until recently I just havent seen her how I see her now. She is slightly overweight and not conventually attractive (this isnt really relevant.) The point is I think I love her.
So I was stirring in my feelings for around a month and decided to take the plunge. I broke it off with my gf which was heart breaking and told my friend about what I was feeling and she was shocked I could tell and pretty much told me I was crazy and no.
So I spent 2 weeks by myself in a bath of self pitty thinking mainly what have I done. I have broken the heart of a woman who has been an amazing life companion and someone I truly get on with. I went back to her on my knees apologising and begged her to take me back and after 2 weeks of playing hard to get. She made it truly awful for me which is nothing more than i deserve; she agreed.
Approximatley 24 hours after my gf took me back; my friend text me and said she been thinking about everything and she wants to give it a go. That was 3 hours ago. I have work in the morning and its 12:30 here.
TL;DR I am a truly horrible person.
Edit: People are really angry with me. I know I fucked up. It's called today I fucked up, thinking that I fucked up is a given; its in the title...
kflores1013: Sorry for being an ass, but you don't deserve either of them, really. You don't love your GF, don't drag her around and marry her because you "know that's what she wants". Let her go find someone who will actually love her. And your friend you say you love? You bounced back pretty fast to your GF. I say you move on, let them both be.
Palex95: This is very likely true. As someone that has been in this position, I can tell you the problem is the OP, not the women. OP....grow up a bit first.
| 3 | 7 | |
1410391536 | 1410393649 | t3_2g1x51 | t5_2to41 | 3 | the_sweetest_fetus: TIFU by being invited
I get a phone call from my son's father at 5:45 pm. I answer and say " oh you're just now getting back to me? I called you at 4...
He tells me he is dropping his partner off and will be home in 5 minutes to jump in the shower to go meet his mom and our son at the fair(this is the first I've heard that this was happening also..she picked him up from prime time), and said " do you want to come" .
I was so excited and said yes immediately...we Never do anything as a family, he always has friends around. I had to hurry up and get ready...we were leaving asap.
So, before we were about to leave we went outside to smoke. He mentioned at that point " i don't know how much it cost to get in"
Keep in mind...i got pretty dressed up, and did my hair and makeup, so i could look decent after working since 6 this morning.
I went back inside after that, and sat on the couch...realizing, he was not inviting me, i was expected to pay. I don't get paid till next Wednesday.
So, he asked if i was ready to go. I said " i guess not, i don't have any money...i gave it all to you monday ( i pay him $125 a week to live there) He said " well that's your fault for assuming. And left.
So, I get to cry on the couch for a few hours. I'm a fucking idiot.
LucasZero: "my son's father"... What?
the_sweetest_fetus: "Baby daddy"
| 3 | 1 | |
1410392225 | 1410452368 | t3_2g1ydc | t5_2to41 | 10 | achoosier: TIFU by accidentally mocking a mentally challenged girl
First off I want to be clear and lay it down that this was in no way shape or form intentional. I don't condone any sort of making fun of or mocking of someone with a disability. I myself have a mild physical disability so I know how shit it can feel when people stare, etc.
ANYWAY. I work with very high functioning special needs adults who need some assistance in everyday living and to honestly just kind of be a buddy. I have one girl I work with who genuinely has a bunch of fun with me and we get along great, have NEVER had any issue.
But one day she decides she wants to play her favorite game Uno so we do. We're so comfortable around each other at this point we don't monitor ourselves too much and say whatever and you can see where this begins my problem.
You know how in middle school and high school you say/do stupid stuff that you would never imagine murmuring or doing now? Well, at one point I played a card that got me rekt by her and I go "Oh my God how dumb of me." And I proceed to take my hand and hit my chest with it, like you did when you were mocking a mentally handicapped person. I immediately realized what I did after I did it and my stomach dropped and hit my colon so hard it nearly collapsed on itself.
I waited to see if she noticed and of course she did, she said "Ally Cat don't do that, that means you're dumb and you're not dumb." Thankfully she was very understanding and I apologized to her multiple times. I never got a call from my work as a complaint from her, but oh my god I felt like the scum of the earth.
And of course I hadn't done that gesture in years. My luck.
FiFiLaRoux: Quick edit: you DON'T condone it I hope! :P
It'll be alright! People make mistakes, and I'm sure we've all done something similar!
I've asked Visually Impaired colleagues if they've seen the football, or see you later all the time!
Personally it's nice that the disability isn't at the forefront of your mind when dealing with these guys! And it shows that you're nice that you actually saw how you could have caused offence- mean people might not have felt so bad!
Don't beat yourself up sweetie!
achoosier: thank you :)
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410392763 | 1410412354 | t3_2g1z91 | t5_2to41 | 27 | jonnydaman19: TIFU by quoting South Park
So today I was sitting in class, daydreaming about South Park. I've always lived the part where the guys are swearing at each and Mr. Garrison is pissed at them. Suddenly, I hear:
"Why don't you come down to the board and do a question, jonnydaman19?"
And without thinking, in Cartmans voice, I say:
"Why don't you suck my balls?"
RedditRegisturd: And what happened? TIFU usually tells us the ending. Plz deliver OP.
trewqpoiuy: he died
| 3 | 9 | |
1410392711 | 1410398358 | t3_2g1z6e | t5_2to41 | 104 | mybossesvibe: TIFU by forgetting to log out of my bosses Amazon account
Throwaway account.
So this happened last night. My boyfriend and i were chatting on the phone and somehow the topic of sex toys (specifically vibratos) comes up. I have one, but have been meeting to step my game up a bit and my boyfriend couldn't have been happier to help.
So here we are chatting away, I'm looking some stuff up he's emailing me product links on amazon I'm checking them out, this goes on for about half an hour. Eventually i come across one i particularly like and notice that the price is actually very decent considering the product, so i add it to my cart.
Now this is how TIFU. As I'm checking out i notice there's ink toner and cat litter in my cart and I'm thinking "Hmmm i don't own a cat OR a printer what's going on here"...that's when i realize I'm logged into my BOSSES amazon account! I've been browsing sex toys on my bosses amazon account! I quickly removed the vibrator from her shopping cart, but the damage had been done. Next time she logs in her recommendations are going to be a series of brightly colored, waterproof vibrators.
beautyintragedy: You can remove/edit browsing history on amazon, for future reference.
misf1ts: I think you just made OP's night
beautyintragedy: Hope it's not too late for you OP!
mybossesvibe: BUT IT IS! I logged out of her account (to make my purchase) and i don't know her log in info!
ThatGuyGetsIt: So you said "fuck it!" and proceeded with your purchase? That's pretty impressive dildocation.
mybossesvibe: Of course! not under her account, but you know. I had things i needed to purchase.
| 7 | 14.857143 | |
1410395450 | 1410474127 | t3_2g23t6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Stabfacenotback: TIFU by not having the ex arrested
Typical victim mentality. Last year my ex husband threatened my life while leaving my home that he had illegally entered while I was at work. It was three days befor Christmas...cops wanted to arrest him. I said no. I didn't want to disrupt the kids Christmas, but I would press charges.
Today I found out he negotiated a deferred judgement. He goes to anger management class, doesn't bug me for a year and the charge disappears.
There is SO much more to this story, but the point here is, I fucked up by not having him arrested when the offense occurred.
[deleted]: Sounds like you are bitter that he's out of your life.
Stabfacenotback: Whaaaaaa? I'm bitter he keeps coming INTO my life. Five years divorced. FIVE. He remarried. I'm engaged. I blocked him from any contact. He broke into my home and threatened to kill me.
Fuck head- sounds like HE'S bitter that I'M out of HIS life, you asshat!
I'll probably get banned for saying the obvious. Sorry. Not to ass hat. Sorry to reddit. I really like this site.
Edit for typo
[deleted]: You said last year he broke into your house.
You didn't mention rape.
You said the guy has disappeared.
Go back and read what you wrote.
>Whaaaaaa? I'm bitter he keeps coming INTO my life. Five years divorced. FIVE. He remarried. I'm engaged. I blocked him from any contact. He broke into my home and threatened to kill me.
>Fuck head- sounds like HE'S bitter that I'M out of HIS life, you asshat!
>I'll probably get banned for saying the obvious. Sorry. Not to ass hat. Sorry to reddit. I really like this site.
>Edit for typo
shy_fem: ... what the fuck does rape have to do with this?
(and didn't say *he* disappeared, she said the deal he worked would make the **charges** disappear)
[deleted]: "He goes to anger management classes, doest bug me anymore..."
shy_fem: "I found out he negotiated a deferred judgement. He goes to anger management class, doesn't bug me for a year and the charge disappears."
Sounds like she meant it as "I found out he negotiated a deferred judgement: if he goes to anger management class and doesn't bug me for a year, then the charge will disappear."
Only OP can confirm, though.
(still don't understand what rape has to do with any of this)
[deleted]: Another user mentioned rape....
Mistake....
Anyway, if the OP is not being bothered and her ex is out of the picture.... what's the big deal? She wants revenge?
Stabfacenotback: Ok everyone. Im still trying to figure out the rape thing here. I didn't mention that.
But he did attempt to rape me twice, previously, which led to me punching him in the face. Another story. Which, again, I did not mention here...so weird that this was brought up and not even by me. Bad on me. I was convinced it wasn't attempted rape since we were married. Have you ever had someone try to force sex while you were sound asleep or at a party and shoved into a dark room? Kinda not ok. Really NOT ok. I do NOT want your skinny tiny hard on shoved in my pretty dress or my pajamas right now. Didn't you hear me shout NO!? Well maybe my fist will make this perfectly clear to you.
He and I live in same town, 1590 ppl, across the 900 acre lake from one another.. Neither of us "went" anywhere.
I keep to myself. I have him blocked on all communication except email for the court ordered purpose of reporting variable expenses.
I pay 4 kids health insurance and all sports, education and traveling expenses. He has never paid me. Not once. Court date for this before winter. He owes me over $20,0000.
He is remarried. To my ex friend who, at the time of affair with my then husband that I didn't figure out, told me the man she was publicly dating won't do because he doesn't make enough money. She now resides in the $2M home I own that is for sale, with my abusive ex husband.
Like a flipping soap opera. Only worse because it's real.
| 9 | 0.555556 | |
1410393556 | 1410463736 | t3_2g20lt | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by sexting a pharmacy rep instead of my BF.
I am a medical resident in a big city and am currently in my second year. Every now and then big pharma companies pitching a new drug have drug rep dinners that are essentially to wine and dine us and try to make us prescribe their drug to patients. They are usually at very fancy places, think steakhouses, and the tabs are usually open so us poor residents usually eat and drink to our heart's content.
This pharm rep dinner was a bit more different since the guy who was there was an ex boyfriend of my friend. Long story short, I entered his name in my phone to contact him tomorrow about getting some samples for us to give to our patients and entered the drugs name instead of his name, which has the same first 3 letters as my bfs name, IRONICALLY.
later that night, i get home, and my bf, who is doing his residency in a diff state, had been out drinking called and asked to send him a little NSFW strip video. I was drunk and figured why not, he'll get a good fap and then knock out. I mistakenly sent this to the pharm rep, and realized RIGHT AFTER I SENT IT. I texted and called profusely apologizing for my mistake and i was ashamed.
I saw him the next day, samples in hand, and with a few of my other colleagues he said maybe the next pharm rep dinner should be at a club since he knows some of us are good dancers. Everyone thought hi humor was terrible, but then he gave me a weird little smile. AHH.
MonarchGod: We need to see the video. For medical science and stuff.
stevea6969: Trust me I am a doctor
| 3 | 7 | |
1410393217 | 1410463740 | t3_2g201n | t5_2to41 | 34 | SquiIIiamFancyson: TIFU wiping my own semen in my face uncontrollably NSFW
It all began earlier today. I had contacted one of my friends about buying some marijuana. I used to be a more frequent user, but it had been about two months since I had any. I picked some up, went back home, and lit up. After a about an hour of internet browsing, my mind wandered to the dirtier part of the internet. I pulled up some quality internet porn and the fapping commenced. I finished up and everything was fine and good. I took off my shirt which contained the load to throw it in my laundry basket. Unluckily for me, my hand brushed into some of the semen. I tried to wipe it off, but my hands got all sticky. I went to the bathroom so I could wash my hands. Upon looking in the mirror, I noticed my goatee wasn't properly aligned. I grabbed my razor and tried my best to fix it up. I didn't feel the need to use shaving cream since it was just a patch up job. I quickly realized this was a mistake. My skin is very sensitive, and I could see my face starting to sting and turning red. I touched where it hurt to get the pain to go away. The pain instantly doubled as the (assumed) extreme saltiness of the semen still on my hands added to the extreme irritation of my skin. Being high, the pain freaked me out, but then I soon forgot what had happened and moved on. I was somewhat in a daze but then I felt the stinging on my face. I reached up to itch it, and another dose of my load was introduced to my face. I was stuck in this cycle for what seemed like hours, wiping my face, cringing in pain. Finally, I snapped out of it and looked in the mirror. From my lips down, my entire face was bright red. Boy do I feel foolish.
Hope this made sense I'm still high and in pain.
JSW_99: Lesson of today: stay away from pot.
__Tyler__Durden__: Don't keep wiping jizz on your face. Get Directv.
Phoneking13: Hahahahahaha!
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1410390374 | 1410403238 | t3_2g1v6g | t5_2to41 | 21 | Alias416: TIFU by telling a girl I was listening to Queen.
There's a female person in my life who I find somewhat attractive. the thing about this girl is that a defining trate of hers as an attractive person is her sizable ass. The rest of her isn't overly large but that aspect of her is. I don't think of her that much though because we don't play an overly significant role in each others lives in fact I hadn't really spoken to her all summer. I just started another year of college and I was on the subway going to school today. I was listening to Queen a band that's got to be in my top 5 favorites I was listening to the Greatest hits cd. I had just finished hearing "Somebody to love" and the next song was "Fat Bottomed Girls"
The Song started and I was tapping my feet to it when all of a sudden I saw this particular girl on the subway with me (In Toronto we've got subways that are one long car so you run into people a lot) we made eye contact she said "Hey" and we started having a back and forth about our summers she said to me when we were running out of stock small talk questions "What are you listening to" I said "Queen" She said "Oh I love Queen" "Yeah me to" What song were you listening to" she said "Fat bottomed girls funny enough" I said. she seemed taken aback and I don't doubt that she realised that what I meant by funny enough was "I was listening to a song called fat bottomed girls and then low and behold I run into you which is ironic cause you've got a wonderfully large ass yourself" I wasn't trying to be cheeky I just said it without thinking
Waterwind: Listening to a CD? Nice try, grandpa. FAKE
Alias416: The CD that I have on my iPod (I just thought the fact that I put the cd on my iPod would be a given) I wasn't suggesting that I had a physical copy. You're welcome to not believe my story but the fact that I said CD is a bit of a silly reason not to.
| 3 | 7 | |
1410392483 | 1410475761 | t3_2g1yt3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | azsincitymagic: TIFU, actually not today but in HS I totally fucked up.
This was a 1 time only fuck up so I did learn from my mistake and so far it hasn't happened again lol.
So in HS my first real GF stayed home from school one day. Now normally I plan out all the fun times we had in bed, but this one time I let her convince me that coming over to her place was a good idea. Since all the blood was already rushing out of my head (hormones man...they suck) I didn't think and said "sure! i'll be right over". Needless to say after I walked in we got hot and heavy pretty quick. We bee-lined it straight to her bedroom and got undressed and got right down to business. We got so in the moment we fucked up twice, #1 we didn't shut the door to her bedroom because she said her family was going to be away all day. and #2 I can honestly say I didn't even check if the front door was actually locked before we went to her room. Needless to say we got caught, by her father, while I was going down on her. He's an old Mexican dude, so not surprisingly first thing he did was grab the biggest kitchen knife he could find and come at me. Lucky for me I knew where all my shit was and booked it out of there half dressed still stuffing my shirt, socks and boxers into the hoodie I was wearing. LMAO I ran home un scathed, but in case he followed me I hid behind an apt for like an hour before I made it home. trust me that was the last time I let my partner pick the place we'd have fun at (and I have been adventurous since then in the places i've done it in) but man I will never forget it. lol btw we still stayed together for a few more months after that lol had tons of great sex and never got caught again, but man that was to close for comfort.
LKJ55: OP says but man alot.
fedoraincarnate: yeah I noticed that too man
OliStabilize: So much man, man.
fedoraincarnate: man he says man a lot, don't you think man?
OliStabilize: Man, everyone is saying 'man' a lot around here. Hopefully the Man doesn't come around and complain that we are sticking it to the man, Man.
fedoraincarnate: Gosh, I'm just so sick of working for the man, you know man?
OliStabilize: God damn it man, stop saying man, man.
fedoraincarnate: Hey man I noticed you've been saying man a lot man, just go easy on the man's, ok man?
| 9 | 1.333333 | |
1410396739 | 1410397243 | t3_2g261e | t5_2to41 | 2 | ajtrns: TIFU by leaving a lb of butter in my car all day
Not as bad as it could be. But... bought it last night and left it in a wooden toolbox on my front seat. Completely melted, leaked out of the cardstock package, and soaked the box and its contents... just poured it all out into the bacon fat jar with added sawdust. Will this tool box live on? Or will it go rancid?
Rickardo_: All you need is toast
ajtrns: Oh, I've buttered a lot of toast in the past hour, with some sandpaper, a hammer, flat crowbar, squeegeed out notepad, box of nails...
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410396513 | 1410398058 | t3_2g25nw | t5_2to41 | 8 | ChronosCog: TIFU by antagonising a convicted murderer
This happened about 6 months ago when I lived in a big lot that squeezed 6 townhouses onto it and was also on a very busy road. Naturally, parking was a bit of an issue, especially for friends or girlfriends that came over to visit. It would generally spill out onto the street and sometimes they would have to park quite a few houses up.
This particular day was a Friday, and my then-gf was over for some fun in the afternoon. People had already started getting home from work or started having people over by the time she arrived and, not wanting to walk for 10 minutes, she figured she had enough room to squeeze between a car and the entrance to my neighbour-from-the-next-lot-over's driveway. She did.
My bedroom window looked out onto the street and not long after she got there I noticed the neighbour had gotten home and parked his big SUV in a weird way I hadn't seen before. Half in the driveway and half poking out onto the street. I didn't really think much of it at the time and just got back to business.
After my gf leaves I get a call from her a minute later asking if I could come down and help get her car out. I don't know what the hell she could mean so I go downstairs and get outside to find that the neighbour has parked the way he did quite deliberately. He wasn't even fully lined up with his driveway, he had parked off to the side quite a bit so that he was basically half on, half off in both directions. His car was about 6 inches from hers, and with her having already parked very close to the car behind the result is that she is completely boxed in. We look at it in disbelief at first, assuming he couldn't have done it on purpose. Why would he? It didn't take long to realise he absolutely must have meant it. Whatever, I just help her with her 50-point turn and she drives off eventually.
Halfway through helping her I notice this 60-something-year-old guy come out of the house and stand next to me. I can't believe he's actually come out to watch and I don't really know what to do so I just ignore him and continue helping my gf. After she's gone he laughs and says that next time she'll learn not to park so close, as if he expects me to laugh along with him. I look at his car again and how far off the driveway it is and I'm just angry. I tell him he didn't have to be a cunt about it, that she wasn't even covering any part of his driveway and he could clearly get in and out just fine.
He obviously didn't expect me to drop the c-bomb at him so now he gets visibly agitated. He tries to tell me something about a law requiring cars leave at least a metre and a half of space either side of the entrance, and at the time I wasn't sure if he was right or not but it sounded pedantic even if he was (I later looked up the Australian road rules regarding it and she was completely in the right - she did not cover any part of the driveway or the "lip" thing on the curb that curves down to the road on either side. He pulled his "metre and a half" directly from his asshole. Ironically, he was actually illegally blocking pedestrians on the sidewalk so could have been issued with an $80 fine). At this point the argument just devolves into shouting and name calling so I just move towards my house so that it doesn't get physical and go back inside with a few choice last words for him.
I'm feeling pretty good about myself at this point. I'm angry as hell and worked up for sure, but I'm generally timid and one that avoids conflict so I was proud that I stuck up for myself when I was faced with someone like that.
That night me and my housemates go to another townhouse on the block to have some drinks with friends we've known forever, and who actually got us the place we were in. I tell everyone all about the episode and at the end of it one of the girls goes "You know he's a convicted murderer right?" I did not. Apparently he killed his wife with a shotgun and spent a few decades in jail. A quick googling of his name, and checking with our landlord who lived in yet another townhouse, confirmed it. I spent the next few months in that place lying low.
TL;DR I finally stood up for myself by calling out a dick on being a cunt, turns out he's a convicted murderer.
patienceisforwimps: I think maybe you should buy the guy a case of beer and say sorry, even though you are right. Just to be safe. That would scare the shit outta me.
Or maybe just move to be on the safe side.
ChronosCog: That was suggested to me and I thought about it, but I felt safer trying to never see him ever again. Moved now so crisis averted
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410393409 | 1410399268 | t3_2g20dc | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling in love.
Her name means Little Appealing Warrior of the Water. She is jazz, simultaneously more innocent and more mature than rock and roll. And she broke me.
I’ve always believed our names hold secrets to our destinies. Little clues to who we are and what we will become. I take hers to be a sign, as if the heavens had rolled back and I’d seen the greater things written on the fabric of the cosmos. Though I knew her long ago, she only recently came back into my life. Our first reunion leaves me whispering her name under my breath. I am smitten by her magnificent charm. But I am only smitten, at first.
She is nearly silent by way of an injury, but it only makes the words she lets go of seem all the more important. Her silence is mysterious and alluring. But it is the fact of her lost voice that intrigues. She is renowned for her phenomenal voice. She sings before great artists. She is a great artist in the making. The loss of her voice seems like a sign. For her, to watch for something great to happen in her life. For me, it is evidence of a great story assembling around us. Themes and events manifest themselves in our lives like the pillars and bricks of some grand architectural wonder. I, and only I, have the trained eye to spot them.
She dances in the chapel, and I watch. She dances with abandon while the music plays. She dances because she cannot sing, and she throws her entire being into it. There is nothing sensual or licentious in her dance. It is innocence taken form, and can birth only innocence. When she dances she holds my eyes captive. I know I should not watch. Her dance is not for me. Yet, I cannot tear my eyes away, but for short bursts. Her beauty becomes expressed in dimensions beyond the seen. Beyond what can be known with the mind.
Her voice improves. We talk. We talk of life and its complexities. We speak of the future, and all it holds in our individual lives. We talk about inconsequentials and universal secrets. We talk about dance. I confess to watching her. She blushes and laughs, but pretends not to hear me. But the smile will not leave her face. She goes to speak again, and I don’t let the moment pass. I tell her she dances beautifully. Her face glows crimson, burning into my memory like a hot coal. Her knees bend, and she starts to fall. Another catches her, and she comes up welling with mirth. Her laughter is intoxicating. I am powerful in this moment. I do not breathe, for fear my breath might become a consuming fire. I do not move, for fear lightning might discharge from my fingertips. I only smile. I smile because that’s all I can do. And all at once, my power leaves me. My rusted heart is pried open, and she rushes in. I am powerless against her.
But I don’t let out my breath. She leaves for a month. I rush from place to place, trying to erase her from my heart. Trying to occupy my mind with other things. But she races through my mind, sending my heart into convulsions. Life is a game of tetherball, and the more I try to push her out, the faster she swings back around, coming back at me from unexpected angles. I pace. I tear at my hair. I lift weights. I fast, hoping to bribe the Creator with an act of sincere devotion. Into giving me her heart, even as she has taken mine. And she has rampaged into it as a conqueror. In love, she is as fearsome as Genghis Khan.
She does not return as planned. I ask questions of our mutuals, and find she has taken ill. Not serious, but her adventurous ways have taken a toll. She loves adventure. She dives into rapids. She hangs from canyon walls. She lives life with a fiery zeal that is at once challenging and exhilarating. She makes me want to jump from airplanes. But she is promised to return, and so I wait. I continue to hold my breath. I hold it for longer than I ever thought I could. A month behind me, I wait another week. Then two. Finally, when I think I will either explode, or wither into nothing, she returns.
Somehow, she has become even more radiant. I worry I will lose my words. I worry I’ve held my breath too long, and my lungs have become useless. But I gather a strength beyond the natural, and I approach. She smiles, happy to see me. We embrace, still the embrace of simple friendship, but her warmth is thick in the air. She lights a fire in my soul. I am passion embodied. Compliments flow from my mouth like whiskey from a still. I burn to let them out and we get drunk on them. I swim, but the fires are not quenched. I leap from high places. Three times in the physical realm, and once outside it. I ask her a question. She promises to consider it. I have discovered elation.
We have conversation like a composition, hitting point and counterpoint, high and low, harmony and melody. She dances around the subject at hand. Nothing important, but nothing trivial, either. She wields her tongue like a rapier, while claiming to be a poor fencer. She bleeds still more compliments from me. She sheds my regal blood.
The next week, she is struck silent again. We make what conversation we can, but I say little for fear of provoking her into speech. I tell her she is one in a billion. The brightest star in the nighttime sky. I tell her I will wait as long as she needs to give me my answer. Her face goes white. Her mouth is a thin line. I cannot make sense of her expression, but she is torn away by social obligation. I spend the week convincing myself I have misread what I saw. It was only a flash, after all. Or, she may have been thunderstruck. I do not know.
When I begin to feel all hope is lost, a siren sings to me in a park. A red-haired vixen in a mermaid tale. Surely, this is a sign that our destiny is already woven by the fates. I imagine next, a surly Jamaican will serenade us on a rowboat ride through a lagoon. I wonder at the thought of restoring her voice with a passionate kiss. Life is a fairytale again, and I will whisper, “As you wish,” in her ear soon enough.
I write to wring out the pain.
I bleed out the black.
I dip my quill in my vein.
For she gave me an answer.
She used the word “friend.”
The love she inspired
She didn’t intend.
She said “no.” I never had a chance. I am ill with misfortune. I am sick with regret. Try as I might, I cannot keep my shame private. Every consolation is another stab wound. Every salve applied burns me anew. I am handsome, I am told. I am cunning, and clever. I am talented and faithful and destined for greatness. And for each I shed a new tear. Because despite all of these things, I was not good enough for her. And so, now, the only words I can find to say to her are, “As you wish.”
But do not fret for me, dear reader. I have heard a local legend of an elixir of life that will liberate me, located deep in a hidden cavern under the city. I will not rest until I am repaired. And love awaits me somewhere else. Somewhere I have not yet uncovered.
Ripper_Bravo_Six: Tldr man!
cptn_floopy: amen!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410397100 | 1410399996 | t3_2g26lw | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to move my semen jug and spilling it all over the living room carpet when my roommates came in.
unknown error
WPBDoc: <My brain was not even functioning properly.>
Your brain was not "functioning properly" a LONG time before you spilled your jug of cum.
You. Sick. Freak.
I-Spilled-My-Secret: What is necessarily sick about it? Surely keeping my own jug of my own semen to myself is very harmless.
mnova35: What next to your collection of human shit and fingernails? Is this semen hoarding? My mind is blown.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410396940 | 1410452760 | t3_2g26da | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU by enjoying rough sex
ShawtySayWhaaat: This isn't even tifu, I don't even know what to call it
[deleted]: TIHMINB
ShawtySayWhaaat: What?
dongSOwrong68: Today I hit myself in the balls?
E: also relevant user name
ShawtySayWhaaat: Ohh okay I get it
And not in a million years would I think my name would be relevant. L
[deleted]: Hwat?
^^^I ^^^can ^^^be ^^^relevant ^^^too, ^^^see ^^^guise?
ShawtySayWhaaat: I just read that in Hank Hill's voice.
| 8 | 7.375 | |
1410392589 | 1410415072 | t3_2g1yzb | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying something that made my calc teacher assume i was calling him a fatass
So really quick backstory, at my high school I know a kid who I will call Doug. Everyone in my group of friends agrees doug is an asshole. Like no matter who it is he has something bad to say about them and can't really keep his mouth shut. So basically imagine kramer walking around a modern school full of kids with swag.
Anyway, I am walking to physics class with a friend of mine and the first thing he tells me is how doug was saying how there french teacher looks like a wombat in their previous hour. Doug then proceeded to go to the teacher and ask why they look like that (yes makes no sense to me either) cause he has no filter on his mouth . I then comment out loud, "damn, hes a bigger ass than any i have seen at a medical weight loss clinic." yes that saying that makes me a dick, but to make it the worse case scenario my obese calc teacher was walking right behind me...! Fuckkkkkk. So my calc teacher is pissed off since he thinks i called him a fatass to his face and i tried to explain it was a joke about a friend of mine and not him, which made it worse since he said thats disrespect to my peers. He wrote me up for a discipline referral and then had to meet with the principal and my mother got called in. I am now suspended for 3 days, but my mom actually laughed at the joke so im safe at home thank goodness.
TLDR; Said, "damn, hes a bigger ass than any i have seen at a medical weight loss clinic." in front of my fat calc teacher. get sent to principal and suspended for 3 days. Mom laughed at joke though so i aint getting lectured at home
BHS94: you got suspended for 3 days even after trying to explain it was a misinterpreted joke? That's some shit right there.
Goldenaries: Yeah man, what kind of tight ass school do you go to op? I remember cracking jokes to my French teacher about her date night and how she was going for some relief from school and her response was "you're mad because you can't get any action"
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410401354 | 1410449935 | t3_2g2dly | t5_2to41 | 79 | tbagtrett: TIFU by trying to make a joke in class.
while in my Western Civilizations class, my professor was discussing the Iron Curtain, an imaginative barrier that isolated the Soviet Union and it's allies from the west and other non-communist countries (as I'm sure you all know). then, my professor went on to mention how the Bamboo Curtain was a similar concept that existed during the cold war to isolate communist China. he then went on to mention something about apartheid in South Africa. he said "There was a large segregation in Africa..."
he then paused for a second, where I said "what was that called, the AIDS curtain?" after I said it, I gave out a small chuckle, which was then followed by complete, awkward silence. I personally thought the joke was hilarious, but then it dawned on me how racist and insensitive that comment was. a black woman who was sitting near the door slammed her notebook shut, angrily gathered her belongings and stormed out while mumbling "racist-ass motherfucker." the professor just looked around for a second and then reluctantly continued his lecture.
I'm really not looking forward to my next class.
prayformojo22: Ouch. I'm really sorry to hear you're not funny.
prayformojo22: :D
tbagtrett: xD
prayformojo22: What's that face mean?
Kalibos: ecksdee
teiu88: XXDDDDD
| 7 | 11.285714 | |
1410399310 | 1410471732 | t3_2g2a7z | t5_2to41 | 6 | Ultraimagination: TIFU by not clearing my browser's tabs
Its 2 days before Christmas a while back. My penis wants some entertainment so naturally I go on my phone for it. I find some good porn and fapping ensues. I'm thoroughly done with my fapping and tired so I turn it off, forgetting to clear the tabs. Remember, I was sleepy.
The next morning my mom asks to go on my phone (hers was dead, but it took like 10 more minutes to finally make it 1%). She is impatient and paranoid of my internet usage, and so I reluctantly hand it over not realizing the porn was still there. When she opens the phone, she screams in horror. **THE PORN HAS BEEN FOUND**. Word gets to my aunts, uncles, and cousins staying over and I get a thorough chewing out by my parents. I'm fucked.
My presents were not taken away somehow.
TL;DR: Forgot to close my porn tabs on my phone, my mom goes on it, caught.
[deleted]: She will never let you forget it, either. It will come up at every family gathering for decades. Trust me on this one.
Ultraimagination: She has already embarrassed me about deleting my godbrother's Minecraft world for a while now. His family has a grudge against me.
Sibire: So, what kind of porn was it, *Satan*?
Ultraimagination: Hmm how can I describe this... mostly bodyshots and r/nsfw content. I'm not a pizza delivery/roleplay/casting couch etc fapper
Sibire: I like how you don't even care about deleting the kid's Minecraft world, you little devil, you.
Ultraimagination: There were some wood/sponge/diamond block buildings, pretty derpish, typical for a little kid. I was teasing him about doing it, but I deleted it "accidentally". I dunno if he has moved on about it or still wants to kill me.
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1410402583 | 1410474142 | t3_2g2fld | t5_2to41 | 530 | milkeater: TIFU by having sex with a cancer patient
TIFU This all happened several years ago. I ended up getting out of the Marines several years back and started bouncing at a bar nearby where I moved to so I could use the GI Bill for college and have a night job for some extra cash. It was a pretty great place, lots of great people, one of the few jobs I really enjoyed.
There was one girl who would come in fairly often. She was extremely attractive, but wore a very obvious 1980's style wig....think Wham! era Ski Lodge Chick hairstyle (You know what video I'm talking about) or for younger kids, Wedding Singer (Hopefully that movie isn't out of style yet). I love everything about the 80's so that didn't bother me one bit.
She would always come in with the same guy and they would sit up at the bar. They were a good looking pair so I assumed naturally they must be dating.
One evening it was pretty slow and they ask if one of us wants to get cut early. I decide I'm done working and instead play some pool with one of the regulars. She comes up and invites me to sit with her and her friend at the bar, offering to buy me a drink. Sounds great to me so I sit at the bar with them. The guy doesn't say a word, just sits and stares at us talking so I ask what the deal is and she says the dudes her brother. Kinda awkward, kinda weird, but whatever. We talk a bit more and I just get that weird vibe so after I finish my beer, I go back to my buddy I was playing pool with. She comes up a little bit later and says, "Do you want to come over to my place."
Mind you, I just got out of the Marines a couple months prior, these things don't just throw themselves at you like this, and I'm in a completely new world where I know absolutely nobody (Grew up in MI, didn't want to go back after getting out so I settle in the CHI where the fam moved to), so I say, "Of course".
I get in my car to follow her and realize as I'm driving, literally anything could happen to me given this scenario. My immediate thought is this guy she was sitting with at the bar will be in a closet at her place, and ultimately will be wearing my face like a mask before the nights over....so in preparation for my demise, I start texting my brother the streets I'm taking and turns I'm making to get where I'm going. The girl is driving like a maniac, I don't even remember if I actually sent the text to my brother in the end. Even if I did, I doubt it would have made much sense considering I had to do everything in my power to not lose this girl.
She lives in one of those monster apartments that pack people in like sardines right next to the train station which she commutes to downtown on every morning....you'll realize why I know this in a minute.
We go up to her apartment and when I walk in it looks like something from Silence of the Lambs. There are wigs all over the floor, it smells like cat piss, and there was just shed cat hair everywhere. She tells me,
"By the way, I'm wearing a wig".
Gotcha.
We go into her kitchen to do a lemondrop shot.....why do I remember, because that was literally the only thing in her fridge, cheap vodka and lemon juice..... I definitely wanted the alcohol in me.
I don't shy away from much, but all of this had actually got me quite on the fence as I'm still waiting for her "brother" to randomly appear from somewhere. After the shot we sat down on her couch, after a few minutes of me creepily sliding and inching my arm closer and closer to her she gets up and tells me she'll be right back.
She leaves the room and comes back in just a few minutes later completely naked (Wig still on) and she has the most beautiful body ever. Smooth, perfect, proportionate. She comes over to me and, like a 15 year old boy, I'm ready to rip off my clothes and bang on the dirty cat hair floor. I reach out to grab her and she says,
"No, I don't want you to touch me, just look at me."
At this point, I'm done. I get up and say I gotta go, this has gotten way too weird for me, I'm not even feeling it anymore. She stops me and tells me to come into her room....I'm back in. I go into her room, which is just as much a trainwreck as the night has been and we start having sex.
It was great, but the whole time we are banging her wig is slowly rotating, to the point her bangs are creeping off to the side of her forehead. She puts her hand up on her wig holding onto it like a cowboy hat. At this point I can't stop thinking about the fact there are some people with tupee's who have little buttons sewn into their scalps to snap their wigs onto....and I'm just thinking about this wig spinning around on a button on top of her head.....just spinning around it, and how it would have looked if she just let it spin.
When I'm ready to get off she looks up at me and says, and I will never forget this till the day I die, "You can cum inside me, the radiation will kill it." It was like an explosion came out of me. It was the most fucked up thing I had ever heard and it turned me on more than anything.
After that it wasn't anything spectacular, we fell asleep together, she ended up oversleeping, so I drove her down to Chicago where she was an accountant at some company. After I dropped her off, I almost immediately started getting these really wild and sexy texts from her. Probably any guys dream, but it was soo much, I'm not kidding. The tame stuff was like, "I'm going to suck your dick dry when I get out of here". The girl didn't screw around and I was sure she meant it. For me, I barely knew this girl 12 hours now....ultimately I never responded.
She came into the bar one time a while after. I actually was just carding people and just took her card without paying attention, until I looked at the card, and then at her.....we just looked at each other and never said a thing. That was the last time I saw her. Turned out that dude was not her brother, as some of the guys who worked there clearly remember him making out with her at the bar. Otherwise they had a hell of an interesting relationship.
I will never forget that girl, and I will never stop feeling horrible about it. She was fucking incredible to say the least.
EDIT: Sorry for the lengthy post....
TL;DR; Invited by girl with cancer to her place to bang
TL;DR; Wig spun around her head like the exorcist while we did it.
TL;DR; She told me the most messed up thing, which turned out to be the hottest thing my ears had ever heard while I finished.
Saturnalia93: >When I'm ready to get off she looks up at me and says, and I will never forget this till the day I die, "You can cum inside me, the radiation will kill it."
I'm sorry, but I literally could not stop myself from thinking immediately of *Fallout 3* when I read that.
ItsMeIsaac: She's like, "and take some rad-x before you finish"
OffTheGridAndy: He definitely needed RadAway after fucking that ghoul.
Taazokaan: Remember, only **YOU** can prevent human flesh fires!
ItsMeIsaac: Am I the only one who absolutely hates Three Dog's voice? It's annoying as shit
| 6 | 88.333333 | |
1410402334 | 1410423310 | t3_2g2f6y | t5_2to41 | 181 | Has-seen-bad-things: TIFU by checking the browser history. [NSFW]
So I was just mucking around on the home computer today, and curious me decided to check the browser history (actually I was covering my tracks, I use incognito but you've gotta make sure). I thought my little brother might have been stupid and looked up porn without using incognito, so being the good big brother I am I was gonna delete it all for him.
So a quick search in the bar for 'por' finds me what I need, a couple of videos. They get deleted real quick. But I'm still not convinced, so I keep scrolling. And there I find them. Videos with titles like "amateur beauty fists her engorged pussy" and "long tongue, deeper asshole" and other assorted (mostly lesbian) things. Things that are a little bit too specific. I'm starting to get suspicious.
This is where it gets worse. I check the date. The last time this website, one I don't recognize at all, had been visited was Tuesday, at 6:35. My mother and brother went away for a few days on Tuesday morning, and I start work at 6. The only person home was my dad. Thanks to his inability to incognito, I now know what kind of porn my father is in to.
Today I fucked up. They say curiosity killed the cat, but the truth is much, much worse.
TheAC997: Seriously though, whose dad *isn't* into lesbians?
Has-seen-bad-things: It isn't the lesbian stuff that's scarred me. It was the specifics that went along with it.
Deltamelon: You'd be amazed how specific porn searches can be.
http://www.pornmd.com/live-search (I just saw "toothless blowjobs" come up on here among other things)
ShrekLovesYou: First thing I saw- Asian gangster. thank you.
karmawhore39: Lesbian army... lotta women
| 6 | 30.166667 | |
1410402204 | 1410433708 | t3_2g2f09 | t5_2to41 | 3 | FScottTitzgerald: TIFU by telling my young autistic step brother to "ask me about my fucks"
This was about a week ago.
I had taken his iPad because he had been misbehaving. He said "FScottTitzgerald, that's my iPad."
I responded with "ask me about my fucks," as I ordinarily might say when I have none to give.
So the little man looks me dead in the eye and in an inquisitive manner says "fucks?"
I then, without thinking, said fuck again because I'm an idiot and his mind is very mailable. Whoops.
Today we got a call from his middle school because he said "fucks" (entirely out of context) during class. Shame on me.
Harshlife14: Why would you fucking do something like that?! Lol
FScottTitzgerald: Just ask me about my fucks
Malamutewhisperer: http://weknowmemes.com/2014/02/behold-the-field-in-which-i-grow-my-fucks/
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410401271 | 1410452332 | t3_2g2dgu | t5_2to41 | 136 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting trapped in a changing room.
This didn’t actually happen today, it happened some years ago when I was 14, but oh well. So the story goes like this: I was on vacation in another country and was shopping at the mall with my mom and grandmother. I needed to pee, but found that the bathroom had no toilet paper available (as is common in that country), so I decided to just hold it and wait till we got home (you all know where this story is going now). We continued shopping and I went to try on some pants in a store. As I was trying them on, the urge to pee suddenly became overwhelming. I felt like I was going to explode. I quickly got changed back into my own clothes but found that the door of the changing room would not open. Oh shit. I felt the pee start to come out and suddenly I was pissing like a racehorse in a changing room stall. I remember thinking that it was just a bad dream and I would wake up, comfy in my bed, pants dry. But alas, this was my reality, and to make matters worse, I discovered that I was on my period when I looked down to find that I was standing in a puddle of bloody urine. My mom starts calling me to come out and show her the pants I was trying on. I told her the door would not open. She starts panicking and tries to climb in from under the door, sees the puddle of blood... proceeds to yell at me for embarrassing her (because she’s the one who should be embarrassed /s). NOW I manage to get the door open, and the staff come around all shocked. Everyone is staring at me in my piss-and-period soaked pants... on the upside, I did buy the pants that I tried on... so that’s a win in my book.
TLDR: Got trapped in changing room, pissed myself while on my period, hilarity ensued (not really).
buprenorFiend_: You happened to piss yourself while at the same time starting your period? In a dressing room that typically only locks from the outside and has a large gap at the bottom you could have crawled through? And you just relieved yourself at that moment because going to a bathroom with no tp was out of the question? Too many coincidences for me
ipeeedmypants: Yes, periods are tricky like that. Also, dressing rooms lock from the inside. As soon as my brain registered that the door was stuck, my body decided to be a jerk and release the floodgates. And I don't know about you, but if I don't wipe after peeing, I get a nasty stanky crotch with piss stains in my underwear, and that's never fun, so that's why I chose to hold it.
SilverManGold: Good lord you are a disgusting person.
ipeeedmypants: Sorry if me being female offends you. Wait, I'm not sorry. Grow up.
SilverManGold: You being female has nothing to do with it.
ipeeedmypants: Is that so? Would you be so kind as to elaborate on what makes me "disgusting" then?
SilverManGold: Peeing your pants, peeing without wiping, your language, etc.
ipeeedmypants: Yeah, because I intentionally peed my pants all those years ago, it's not like it was an accident or anything but thanks for not being a judgmental asshole about it... Also, I clearly said that I refused to pee without wiping because that is unhygienic. Sorry if you're offended by my choice of words, you should probably get off the internet, just a heads up. :)
| 9 | 15.111111 | |
1410404295 | 1410404649 | t3_2g2icc | t5_2to41 | 6 | cokeandfries: TIFU by getting a $20000 drone stuck in a tree
I work for a company that builds drones for the agriculture industry. I was test flying a unit when I got blinded by the sun. Ended up getting stuck on top of a 60+ft. tree. We still haven't got it down. We're going to call a tree service company tomorrow to climb up the tree to retrieve it. My boss is pissed.
thatguyjeffrey: Good cover, Mr. NSA.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: drones used by the NSA are 6 digit numbers. if they have any.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410401832 | 1410405971 | t3_2g2edm | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking my own piss
TL:DR - One plastic bottle for beer, one for used beer. Mix up, calamity.
I'm experimenting to see how long I can live in my car before I break down and just get a place, saved a good bit of money so far. On my lunch break I bought two 40 ounce beers. After work I parked, began drinking, killed one 40 and started on the second one while browsing reddit. I had to piss after a while so I grabbed the empty bottle and pissed away. A few minutes later I went to take a drink of beer and grabbed my piss bottle. Only took a small sip (if that) before I realized what had happened.
Also TIL a decent beer piss fills ~ one half of a 40 ounce bottle.
[deleted]: What brand of beer were you drinking?
aquias27: Also, what brand of piss were you drinking?
[deleted]: Bud Light is a viable answer to both our questions.
| 4 | 1 | |
1410404552 | 1410405560 | t3_2g2iph | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by fingering my girlfriend
It was a romantic night. It was our last night together before I left on a plane, not to see her for months, and we were about to get it on.
I wanted to fuck her right there but she was spending a long time on the perfect foreplay. I was ready to fuck her like animal.
We slowly get naked and touching each other to build up suspense, and I decided to finger her to make her moan louder.Suddenly I feel something inside her vagina, slightly warmer than it's surrounding.
"There's something inside you", I said. I was very disturbed at this point.
"There's nothing... don't stop..." she replied, uneasily, moaning. I removed my finger from her.
"No, there's something inside you. It feels plastic.", I said feeling slightly disturbed.
I really hoped it was not what I though it this. Let me tell you guys Ive done my share of goofin' n watchin' so I am not very squeamish. But suddenly I smelt this pungent smell..
"Its my menstrual cup, can you help me out of it?" she asked me as I had this sinking feeling in my stomach. HOLY SHIT.. it smelled like an eviscerated decomposing body mixed with rotting broccoli, sewage, and rotting eggs ALL IN ONE. And the smell JUST KEPT GETTING STRONGER. She threw out the cup and its contents, but the stench of 14 day old rotting blood and uterine gunk remained there. I was trying really hard not to vomit.
She decides to go to the bathroom to freshen up. After she left maybe it was because the pungent smell was slightly gone now that she was out of the room, I decided to man up (I was confident on myself. Now, I realize that was really a bad idea) and cheer her in the bathroom. I joined her and I immediately knew that was a really bad idea. Her vagina suddenly emptied a massive glob of this filth and it splattered a surprisingly large amount of brown rotted uterine filth all over my LEG. WHAT THE FUCK? MY LEG SHIVERED WITH DISGUST. I PRACTICALLY EMPTIED A BUCKET OF WATER ON MY LEGS AND RAN HOME. FUCK THIS, I AM BREAKING UP WITH HER.
milkeater: Well....unless this is an insanely small world....your girl already posted this one....you're late.....
TrasherD: It's almost like it was copy/pasted with some added wording.
milkeater: I see what you did there....
| 4 | 2 | |
1410405297 | 1410435873 | t3_2g2jvg | t5_2to41 | 759 | throwaway111873: TIFU by giving a blind guy a blow job at a party.
SOOOO this is something I am going to take with me to the grave. Last night I made the trek up to my boyfriends college for a night of partying and fireball infused sexytimes with the boyfriend. The night was going perfectly, good music, good alchohol, and a fuck ton of people in this bigass two story house owned by my boyfriends trust fund baby ex-roommate.
As the night starts to die down, my boyfriend comes up to me and whispers in my ear to come upstairs with him, I tell him Ill meet him up there Im just going to grab some water first (I had cotton mouth for days) so he tells me to come meet him in the room on the far left.
So I go grab my water, quench the weed breath and run upstairs for what I thought would be the perfect end to my night. So. so wrong I was. I enter the room and its pitch black, and jump on the bed and immediately start to (incredibly drunkenly) make out with the lob that was on the bed. I move down and get to work and I hear grunts that dont sound too familliar, I brush it off as my boyfriend being drunk. Then I hear "who ever you are thank you, its been so long"
It takes half a second to register that A. that is not my boyfriends voice and B. I went right at the top of the staircase. The very microsecond this all registers I enter full on 100% oh-shit mode. This mode includes running to the bathroom, crying, and then crying some more with the lights off hoping whoever I just gave half a blowjob to dosent come and try and figure out why the girl he was getting head from bolted out of the room at 68% the speed of light. After half an hour, I make as little noise as possible getting back to the CORRECT room and cry some more and sleep next to my passed out boyfriend.
The next day, I'm hungover as hell, and almost forgot what happened untill the host came downstairs and said "someone gave my brother a blowjob last night, my brother's blind and can pull chicks better than me" BRAIN BLAST ofuckofuckofuck I gather my things, and leave as stealthily as I can.
witchling_22: He never saw it cumming.
I'll just show myself out..
oldschooI: ---------> []
goofballl: Those are some strangely-shaped genitals.
Volatilize: May wish to see a doctor, both of you. Not that he'll really want to look.
oldschooI: An arrow pointing out of your groin cannot be ignored.
rp23: Is this why people are generally compelled to move away from my groin?
Volatilize: Yes, seeing as you *ahem* come with a warning sign. I'll see myself out too. But I'll leave from the less-popular door.
| 8 | 94.875 | |
1410402710 | 1410408709 | t3_2g2fs7 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking up Maslow in my Nursing textbook. NSFW
I was trying to find what chapter Maslow's Hierarchy of needs was on. Instead I found Masturbation. Being the hormonal man that I am, I decided to indulged and followed to the appropriate page hoping to find some pictures. The text was rather interesting so I kept reading into the "Anal stimulation" section on the next page. Next thing I know, I'm reading about the appropriate use of water-soluble lube and the positions that make gay sex possible.
I did not need that much detail.
Senecatwo: Why is all that in a nursing textbook?
SuperFreakonomics: Good question
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410408288 | 1410408852 | t3_2g2o9k | t5_2to41 | 4 | Boomer2142: TIFU By Telling My Neighbor She Had Nice Nudes
So about a year ago I am fixing my dad's friends computer and his wife's nudes happen to be on there and I couldn't resist looking at them, then one day as I am walking my dog she comes up in a see through shirt with her breast all out and I just stare she invites me in and we start chatting and I thought I'd test the water and say "you are pretty hot naked" them she says she has to shower and leave soon come to find out she tells her husband what I said and to make it better I told him the situation and deleted the pics so he looked into some more and come to find out she was an escort and they got a divorce.
lewd_operator: If it was in her best interest not to get caught, why would she turn herself in?
Boomer2142: Well I think she was trying make it seem like I was a creep and she seem like the innocent wife and he'd be to angered at me he would take her side.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410407895 | 1410470467 | t3_2g2noq | t5_2to41 | 29 | Ithaqua: TIFU By letting a cute girl sleep in my bed.
This happened this morning/last night. I had a few friends over last night due to the fact I got my hands on a Half Gal of Woodka. One of the people was this really cute chick who i've been friends with for a while, she ended up getting HAMMERED just like myself and everyone else there because I make sure everyone has just a good time as me. Fast forward to about midnight, people are starting to wind down, and everyone is leaving. The cute girl stays however because she lives somewhat nearby but is too drunk to even walk home. As soon as everyone leaves we go and have a cigarette on my roof -- We get this perfect view of an almost full moon, we're scrunched together keeping warm too, it's beautiful. All of the sudden she hands the cigarette we had been sharing (which was only halfway done) and says, "shit, I can't do this right now" and goes back inside through my window (I was so worried she'd fall and eat it). I knew she was gonna pass out on my bed but it was no big deal as she had done it once before on a similar night. She was knocked out on my bed basically, so I went back to the living room, cleaned up a bit, played some soul calibur 5 for an hour or so before going to bed. I get up there and she's still fast asleep. I knew I wasn't going to get any action that night but I was still happy because I knew I could still get drunk cuddles (Aww yisss). So I lay down and cuddle up and just immediately pass out. I wake up 5 or so hours later (a half an hour before I needed to get up for school), and I notice she's gone. I figured she went downstairs to sleep on the couch, so i decided to take advantage of the fact I have the full bed to myself. I roll over and notice its PRETTY DAMP. I feel around a bit and realize that atleast 40% of my bed was pretty damp. I thought to myself drunkenly (Maybe she just was sweating alot??), but I then got up and realized what really happened. She pissed my fucking bed. I wasnt even mad about it but it was more of an inconvenience because I had to get up anyways. I find her sleeping on the couch downstairs and she left me a couple of drunken notes saying she barely remembered last night and said she doesnt know or not but she may have pissed the bed and felt really bad about it. I sighed and woke her ass up and walked her home.
TL;DR: I let a hot drunk girl cuddle in my bed with me and she ended up wetting it.
beardlessclamlover: Did anyone else read this in an russian accent?
PerturbedPelican: In Russia you don't pee on bed. Bed pees on you.
beardlessclamlover: Need some woodka
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1410408679 | 1410429276 | t3_2g2otk | t5_2to41 | 160 | DocUSA: TIFU by being a teenage boy NSFW
I'm on a rowing team. The one where we get into long skinny canoe-like boats called racing shells, and use oars to make them go fast. I sit in the front of the boat facing the coxswain, or the person that's short and yells at us to go fast.
Anyways, our cox today was a girl, one that I thought was quite cute. She happened to have a boyfriend who was on the team however.
We were taking a break between drills when all of a sudden my hormones kicked and got a random boner. Now in rowing we wear spandex trou kinda like bike shorts, but without the padding. So of course, my boner is quite easily visible, and the cox noticed.
She started looking away uncomfortably, and for some reason this made get way harder. Now I've got a massive boner trying to rip through my shorts. It didn't help that our coach was having row "arms-only". This meant our legs were out flat and straight, giving the cox a great view of my predicament.
The drills we were doing weren't very physically hard either, so I couldn't get the blood to flow anywhere else. This lasted the entire practice including when we got back on land. Afterwards, I heard her talking to her boyfriend about the "creep rowing stroke". Well, guess it's time to move on to the next one.
TL;DR: Got a random boner, girl saw boner, couldn't get boner to go away. Suffered the consequences.
Moderatecalf: Should of just yelled "boner aboard" and dove into the water as if it was a thing.
LittleSugarBabysBabe: Should have or Should've, not should of.
ZombieDrums: Shoulda
propper_speling: Also not a thing.
ZombieDrums: That's why I said it.
I can't stop laughing at the irony in your damn username
| 6 | 26.666667 | |
1410408682 | 1410442679 | t3_2g2otp | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU: I was so oblivious to sex at 16 I missed my chance with a girl I now like.
When I was 16 (4 years ago) I was friends with this girl who I kind of liked more than a friend but I was so fucking shit scared of getting into a relationship with her that I kind of just blew off any advances she made. one day She literally told me she wanted to see my penis, and she was sober, we were alone in a room, and I said "no." Being 16 at the time seriously didn't help the fact that I was obfuckinglivious to any hints. That exact same night we were watching some boring ass movies on netflix, and she lifted her legs in the air and said "this position really tightens up a girls pussy." and I was like "really? That's neat." and continued to watch the movie. 4 years later I think about it and I just go "holy shit what the fuck is wrong with me."
bitchredditor: "this position really tightens up a girls pussy"
what the fuck was she thinking?
someguyfromtheuk: 16 year old girls are just as socially awkward and nervous as 16 year old boys.
| 3 | 16 | |
1410401193 | 1410483635 | t3_2g2dc2 | t5_2to41 | 43 | IRipShirts: TIFU by laying my head on a girl
Last summer, a girl who I was kind of friends with invited me to a party she was having on her houseboat. I go to said shin dig and it was a pretty good time. We never actually left the dock, but it was fun nonetheless.
Anyways, at night, we're all in chairs on the dock, and my "kind of friend" was sitting next to me. Out of the blue, she leans on me and rests her head on my shoulder.
At this point, my thoughts are a mixture of, "FUCK YEAH! This never happens." and "Alright... now what do?" The best thing I could think of at the time was lay my head on top of hers. I did this without thinking...
Next thing I know, she yelps with pain, yelled my name, and went back to sitting upright. I had completely forgotten that she had surgery on her head not too long ago and her stitches were still tender. I felt like such an asshole. And about 15 minutes later, she was sitting in some other dudes lap.
tl'dr: Brushed heads. Didn't go over well.
aido727: > 15 minutes later, she was sitting in some other dudes lap.
Meh, nothing lost then.
EatATaco: Unless he was just trying to get some. Then it was very likely something lost then because it seems she was likely just trying to get some too.
aido727: Short term, maybe. Long term, nothing lost.
Plus, if it hurt her so bad just by lying his head on top then I'd imagine the sex would be overly tame trying not to hurt her during that either.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1410410720 | 1410420945 | t3_2g2rjj | t5_2to41 | 34 | OnMy3rdPC: TIFU by having my would-be SO pleasure me at school
Hey guys, first time on reddit.
So, Context: What i mean by "would-be SO" is that we are best friends (i'm 21, he's 20) that would have been SOs if either of us was a girl or if he wasn't straight. We've shared a number of sexual experiences and this one was by far one of the more unfortunate ones. The nature of our relationship is complicated to say the least but we love each other very much romantically or otherwise.
To start the story my friend had to come to my school 2 hours away to get some formed signed from various advisers. Skip ahead to after we're done and we're discussing whether or not he wants to stay over a night before leaving the next day. We are currently looking for a place to live off campus and I have two places that I'm going to check out the day after and I thought it'd be good if he could see the place as well. He usually has trouble deciding things. But eventually he said he would leave which meant I had two hours to spend with him. So i took him to the 3rd floor of like a student center like place where i got to rest my head on his lap while he browsed the web on his phone and play with my hair. ( Reason being: the 3rd floor is near desolate at this time of year and day)
It's fine for a while but I start to get really horny, so I ask him to jack me off here and now. Of course being the careful guy that he is, he didn't want to at first. We were in a relatively open space where the area was accessible through two hallways. I had assured him that we'd be able to hear someone if they came through either corridor and so he started to go at it. Feels great and as i'm climaxing a person walks around the corner. I quickly close my legs and hide my face as he walks by. I'm not sure how much he saw but I'm pretty sure he saw enough. After he leaves I started laughing about it but of course my friend is less than amused.
As punishment, he made me choose between him not ever pleasuring me anymore or me not showing any PDA. He had always not wanted this kind of relationship (though it just sort of happened and stayed that way) so i picked the former since i knew we'd be better off like that.
That said, he challenged me to create a reddit post and said if it made the front page of TIFU he'd retract the punishment, but that's up to you guys. I'll check back periodically and answer upvoted questions.
**tl;dr We got caught and now I'm being punished unless this post makes front page of /r/TIFU **
EDIT: so i'm Bi. He considers himself mostly straight. In the beginning we jerked each other off due to curiosity. But since that's no longer the case he doesn't want to do it anymore but will do so to make me happy. On the other hand he doesn't really let me touch him. we tried anal and oral like once or twice but he didn't like it so we don't do it anymore.
BitchyMaleWhite: So you guys are like gay friends with benefits but he considers himself straight? Do you guys do oral and anal also? Which does he do or get? I'm really confused.
OnMy3rdPC: added edit. sorry bout not being clear
BitchyMaleWhite: How old were you when this started? I'm guessing young.
OnMy3rdPC: freshman year
BitchyMaleWhite: I don't understand if he is straight wouldn't you just jerk him off instead of him jerking you off? Why would he want to jerk you off if he doesn't like cock? I'm not hating I'm just educating.
OnMy3rdPC: that's why i said it's complicated. I don't think he's revolted by cock but he does it cause it's me or something like that. To say the least he says it doesn't turn him on
BitchyMaleWhite: Do you guys kiss at all or show any signs of affection towards each other besides him jerking you off? Also if you are bi-sexual I got to imagine its hard for you to not do any other things with him. I would also imagine you have strong feelings for him. Does he have these feelings for you? Is there any love or is it just pleasure? I find this to be fascinating and I'm deeply interested in the dynamics of your relationship.
OnMy3rdPC: we've made out like once in the past and he didn't like it.
In terms of showing affection, it's mostly me to him, at least on the surface. I like putting my arms around him, hugging him, resting my head on his shoulder, and sometimes give him a quick peck (to which i usually get a glare). With a little more privacy he'll pet me (which i love).
Yes i do have strong feelings for him. Like i said, if some circumstances were right, we'd be going out for sure. (we had this discussion before). And it is hard to resist. If he wavers for a second, or i end up guilt tripping him (intentionally or not) we do things my way.
What we feel towards each other is definitely love. but while my feelings for him are romantic, his feelings for me are more platonic than romantic or sexual.
EDIT: oh. i should add HE say "mostly straight" because he has fapped to me before but that was a while back while we were still curious.
BitchyMaleWhite: It sounds like your relationship is very one sided at this point. I'm sure you would like to do more physical things with him that he refuses to do. Its like you have been friend zoned to hand jobs. Maybe you should try and tell him how much you love him and how you need to express that love through other things besides getting masturbated by him.
Maybe if you try and take it slow and say that we don't have to be public with our relationship right now but you would like a deeper relationship with blowjobs and such. One step at a time maybe. I mean it sounds like he pleasures you with his hand regularly. He may not want to do other things for a certain reason that you don't know about. Relationships are all about compromise and it sounds like you are putting more into this relationship than he is.
Maybe he really does love you and is afraid to show it because he is afraid of what that makes him. It just seems odd that he is okay with giving you hand jobs but nothing else. Tell him how much he means to you and what it would mean to you if you could take your relationship to another level.
The situation doesn't sound fair to you. You are not going to be young forever and these could be some of the best years of your life. You should really try and get what you want out of this relationship. If what you want is what you are doing now that's great, but it doesn't seem that way.
Try and communicate with him more about how you feel and what you want. See if you can get him to open up more. I was also wondering if you guys have to be drinking or using drugs sometimes when you fool around? Or does he act like he doesn't like doing anything sexual with you? I think if he is okay with pleasuring you with his hand he might be willing to go further at a certain point or the right time.
OnMy3rdPC: I already told him how i feel about him. His response was just something similar to "i'm not turned on by you." But he does say "i love you" from time to time. At this point i'm still glad we're friends. honestly, it doesn't even need to have sex or anything risque. I'm actually relatively happy with how things are. It's just that he does so much for me and there's so little i can do for him. i would LIKE to pleasure him but he's doesn't want it nor anything else (he's a guy of little want and low maintanence). So if there's any sort of frustration in this relationship it's that i can't do enough for him since sexual means are out.
We don't "play" too often actually. for the past 2 years it's been a long distance relationship (for reasons i will not mention) though we are going to be living together this year. Needless to say this year is going to be interesting.
and no, we don't drink or do drugs. more often than not it's just like a heat of the moment thing.
(oh i forget to mention we shower sometimes together. granted absolutely no one is around)
BitchyMaleWhite: Well hopefully you two can work things out. Maybe if you live together it will make things better. You deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship that makes you happy. Not every bodies relationship is the same. Maybe by living together you will grow closer together. Also whats he like with girls. Does he date girls? Would it bother you if he is dating a girl or started to?
OnMy3rdPC: he's very shy. He hasn't dated any girls but he's turned on by them for what that's worth to you. He has had a crush on a girl before and I was all for it, though of course it did make me a little sad. If it's what going to make him happy this is the least i can do for him.
| 13 | 2.615385 | |
1410410913 | 1410498049 | t3_2g2rsl | t5_2to41 | 241 | GameSultan: TIFU by looking for Q-tips in the tampon aisle at Wal-Mart.
So, I wanted to buy Q-tips today, reddit. I went to Wal-Mart (only out of necessity) to get some. I could not find them. I wandered the "Health & Beauty" section for at least 10 minutes looking for those cottony little fuckers.
Somehow, my situational awareness got compromised and I wandered into the feminine care part of the health/beauty area.
A Wal-Mart employee asked me if I needed help finding anything, and she chuckled.
I told her I was looking for Q-tips and she jokingly said that I wasn't going to find them in the aisle we were in.
Not thinking, I replied something to the effect of "I thought I'd find them here because they're made of cotton and go in holes".
I immediately realized that my mouth had betrayed by brain. Where the fuck did that thought come from? Why the fuck did that come out of my mouth?
The employee just stood there, mouth agape, along with a fat elderly woman on one of those motor scooters who I assume overheard my fuck up.
I didn't know what to do at that point so I just left. I can never shop there again. Never.
pbae: >"I thought I'd find them here because they're made of cotton and go in holes".
You were technically correct since nowhere on the Q-Tip box says to stick them in your ear.
edthomson92: In fact, in warns people not to do it
[deleted]: Why the hell listens?> pfff
edthomson92: I don't. That's the only way I know how to clean them
[deleted]: LOL I meant "who". Yeah, neither do I. The worse that could happen is I would go deaf. Then, I would do it more anyway!
edthomson92: But then you couldn't hear zeppelin ever again
| 7 | 34.428571 | |
1410396701 | 1410440477 | t3_2g25z5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be funny with colleages during 2 year of university
I do not really know who is the asshole here, but sure there is one, since one guy who I though was my friend said I was an asshole. But I think he is the asshole. You decide.
This is the thing. We are studying English along with other stuff, and we get to this point were we have to simulate interviews. Nice. We team up 3 friends, and start making it. I get a copy and add my lines, trying to make funny of my fictional self by saying dumb things during the interview.
Finally the fuck up, I do not know by whom. I send the changed file to facebook, and this guy confronts my and says I should be ashamed of myself since it is not clear if I am being serious or not.
Here is the interview with the modifications I sent:
Good morning, thanks for coming
1-Good morning
2-Good morning
As you surely know, we're looking for a software engineer. I see from your CV you have lots of experience.
1-Yes, I've worked in two international companies and I've worked for Motorola for 3 years.
And what did you do on those 3 years?
2- I was studing the rest of the career.
I see.
-Why do you want this job?
1-I want to keep growing and face new challenges. And working in this company has been my goal for a long time.
2-I want the money.
Anything else?
2-Nah, that is pretty much it.
I see.
That's great, what would you say are your strenghts?
1-I have good problem solving skills and I'm a quick learner. I'm really dynamic.
2-And mine are more of the physical kind of strenghts.
Excuse me?
2-I can program for hours, no break needed.
Oh, for a moment I thought you were joking. So, do you like working in teams?
1-Of course, in my previous job I worked full time on a team, and I have lead lots of teams too during my career.
2- Yeah, we both get really well. We graduated from the same college, 3 years apart. :)
Do you have any hobbies?
1-I like reading books, travelling and riding my bike. I like to keep active on my free time.
2-I do like free time too, for sure. And I like extreme sports.
Like skiing?
2- Wrestling... with kangaroos!
Is that even legal?
2-It is in Australia. I am a fun kind of guy.
Yeah, I see. Do you have any questions to ask us?
1-Not really, thanks
2- When do I start?
You dont. You dont start.We'll keep in touch then, thanks for applying.
1-Thanks for considering me, I hope to hear from you soon.
2- ... awkward...
mav3r1k: I find it hard to believe that someone who studied English at a university writes like this....
[deleted]: ouch
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410410918 | 1410424813 | t3_2g2rsv | t5_2to41 | 14 | class6F: TIFU by recognizing an old customer NSFWmaybe
little back story, I was a Body Piercer for over 10 years but have been out of the business for a few years now, occasionally I see old customers and we make small talk
now I believe the first telling is always better so I will just copy my texts to a friend right after
<me>So I see a guy with big loops in his ears at Safeway, I think about it cause he looks familiar. I think, I think I pierced his ears, no, no I didn't, I pierced his dick, just keep walking
<friend>damn I just busted out laughing.....to reddit!
<me>Worst part about this is after texting all that I realized there's a cop behind me, I am like, well shit if he pulls me over I will have to explain that I was texting about piercing a man's cock, I am just going to punch him in the nuts so he just takes me to jail instead of having to explain that
<friend> Haha, this just gets better and better.
<me> no that is worse, there's a difference
<friend>yes but all of friends on facebook and reddit will think it's better
cheeseflap: Don't text and drive, you halfwit
AnalystOfFinance: Yeah not a good combination. Also, is this really TIFU? You just did your job and ran into a client.
class6F: closest I could come up with, didn't see a /holycrapthatsembarrassing sub, but almost went worse cause I almost walked up to him and asked how his piercings were doing, might have been way more awkward
ladlpslr: "I cut it off. What?"
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1410412376 | 1410416063 | t3_2g2tln | t5_2to41 | 5 | nsammons23: TIFU by pushing away this girl I had an amazing connection with
So long story short, I was texting with this girl everyday for like 4 months straight, but I was barely seeing her and it was annoying. At first we went on a couple if dates and everything was going perfect, but then we had sex and she started distancing herself from me. I thought it was the sex, but she had an orgasm and loved it and said it was the best most passionate sex she'd had in awhile except I didn't orgasm and she was a little concerned. So like a week after we had sex she said she was starting to get strong feelings for me and she needed to back off from me. That was confusing but I pressed on and continued like whatever it's all good she's just crazy like most beautiful women I know lol. After a while though it was becoming annoying that she didn't want to see me. A little background on her. I know she just got out of a relationship so I was taking it slow and she already told me that she was talking to this other guy but I didn't really care so I kept at it. Finally one day I was like look we talk all day everyday and we have this amazing connection and strong sexual tension why are we not seeing each other more often this is crazy. Then she texted back like this was only a one time thing and id appreciate it if you would leave me alone for awhile. Needless to say that sucked and I virtually dint talk to get anymore and will probably never see her again. She texted me like a month later saying she was taking about mozzarella sticks and thought about me (inside joke) then said hope all is well. We talked for a little bit but then it just ended. I don't know what to do help me guys!!
Mikasa_Sisterzoned: Give it time, sounds like she needs space for whatever reason.
nsammons23: Thanks man
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410413137 | 1410414772 | t3_2g2uid | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU I FUCKED MY MATHS TEACHER
MysticRyuujin: Math*
Teotwawki69: PREY*
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410408637 | 1410418591 | t3_2g2orq | t5_2to41 | 5 | BitchyMaleWhite: TIFU by acting like a serial killer.
I called Best Buy today to cancel a order I placed. The cashier that helped me over the phone had a really cute voice and playful personality. I immediately grew a crush on her over the phone. Had to see what she looked like in person. I drive to the store with some sexy cologne on and moose in my hair, looking good. I hear her helping a customer and know its her. She is good looking and my crush continues to grow. I needed a reason to be at the store and that reason was to order some movies that would be shipped to me. I don't tell her who I am at first (the guy she just talked to on the phone an hour ago.) I give her a list of the movies without the names just store identification numbers. As she is pulling up the movies by number she starts reading them out loud one by one.
Cute Cashier - "Maniac. The New York Ripper. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Rob Zombie - The Zombie Horror Picture Show. Marilyn Manson - Guns God and Government Live in LA."
Me - "Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes."
I am so uncomfortable at this point due to these really sleazy slasher pics and trashy concert movies that I am buying. Now comes the fun part. She needs my information and realizes I was the guy that talked to her on the phone an hour ago. We start small talking and she doesn't seem too wigged out yet. I tell her its Halloween soon and I would feel uncomfortable buying these films if it wasn't Halloween soon. She says Halloween is her favorite holiday and I say the same. I thank her for not judging me on my interests in such trashy entertainment. I tell her that I love Halloween but never get trick or treaters anymore even though I buy lots of candy. I really wanted to ask her for her number but felt way too conspicuous doing so after just purchasing what I can only describe as Dexter Morgan and Patrick Bateman's treasure trove of cinema.
I might as well of told her I had to go return some videotapes. I leave the store and on the way home I hit green lights all the way home to a scary extent. I have never hit that many green lights all at once in my life. It was like her timing somehow gave me traffic superpowers. I really want to go back and ask for her number but I feel like I already ruined things and going back would make things even more uncomfortable. She could see my address in the computer and knew this store was out of my way. If I was her I would of been freaked the fuck out. To make things worse I sent her manager an email saying what an excellent employee she was and said her name and my name in the email. I feel like I'm definitely on a list now.
ChrisPkMn: So? What are you going to do? I would personally go back, be true about my intentions, and tell her that I only wanted to see how her angelical voice matched her face. Then, I would tell her that I got a friend that has this company that does voice overs and that if she wanted, that I could arrange a meeting so she could earn up to 5 times more than she does at Best Buy. Of course, this would all be a scheeme to get a date with her. If she says no, then convince her. Then when "my friend" doesn't arrive, fake call him.
I would then tell her that he mixed dates, but he is at his office and that I can take her after the meal (We are already here, so we better enjoy it). Following to that, at the moment she enters the car just go somewhere near the private warehouse that we all have somewhere outside the city. Give her a piece of cloth with chloroform and ask her if it smells good.
As the golden touch, I would ~~kidnap her~~ get her inside the warehouse while I crash the car outside of it. After making everything look like if someone tried to kill us, I would drag her into the asphalt and just let her wake up on my side. Tell here the whole lie, and after she expressed how grateful she is to the great hero, ChrisPkMn, I would ask her out.
66% of the time, works every time.
BitchyMaleWhite: I was just gonna go back and pass her my number, but fuck. We'll do it your way.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410416284 | 1410467607 | t3_2g2y10 | t5_2to41 | 21 | MadDogMax: TIFU by grabbing a mosquito by the wings
So last night I was at my computer, and a bug lands on the screen. Not wanting to mush little bits of bug into my monitor, and not having any tissues nearby, I decide to grab it by the wings like a ninja and flick it away.
So. I go in for the grab. Thumb and forefinger gripping one wing. This fucking KARATE mosquito bends around and bites my finger just below the end knuckle. I don't know if mosquitoes are normally just fucking with people when they bite them, but this guy was fighting for his life and I have never had a mosquito bite so painful.
It's been around 18 hours now and my knuckle has been itching like a motherfucker, swollen up and is about to be amputated by a rusty spork.
TL:DR Don't ever grab a mosquito by the wings.
chachachoudhary: I'm having a hard time imagining the size of this mofo
MadDogMax: Pre-bite, about twice the size of a flying ant.
Post-bite, about the size of a pitbull.
chachachoudhary: yeah that happens when I have a hard time too.
NawThing: I see what you did there
| 5 | 4.2 |
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