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1410417440 | 1410454793 | t3_2g2z8u | t5_2to41 | 20 | poorlydrawndinosaur: TIFU by unknowingly asking an American if he was having a party for 9/11.
So I guess this is more of a Today We Fucked Up Story. I work on a military base in Australia as a groundskeeper. So yesterday, me and this old guy get sent down to one of the camps where the USAF is stationed to blow out all the leaves and dust and shit from the walkways, shaded areas etc. He's a typical old school Aussie. Every second word is cunt, or fuck or something of that nature. So anyway, the boss rings me up and says "go down to the USAF camp and blow it all out, there's a memorial on tomorrow." So I grab the old bloke and we head down there, I'm wondering to myself why they're having a memorial and literally nothing crosses my mind. So we rock up to the camp and we get all our gear ready, the Americans are really friendly. Everyone saying hello and just generally being polite. At this point in time I'm still oblivious to the fact that tomorrow is September the 11th. So I'm just about to start work when this one guy comes up and starts talking to us, and then the old boy turns to him and says with no malice whatsoever. "So what, are you cunts having a party or something tomorrow?" At that moment it hits me why we are there and my stomach drops. I look at the USAF dude and his face is blank. A couple other guys standing around him just stared at me and this old bloke with faces that can only be described as being in complete awe of our ignorance. He politely said it was a memorial for the 9/11 attacks and then left. And I dont know if I should be ashamed at myself for not realizing and telling the old dude, or embarassed at him for just being the way he's been for 60 years.
TL; DR : I went down with to blow the leaves out of a camp full of USAF personnel without realising it was for a 9/11 memorial and the old bloke that came with me called one poor guy a cunt and asked him if he was having a party all in the one sentence.
[deleted]: If you asked me to name the date of any Australian national tragedy I'd have nothing. Cept that time Nemo went missing I know jack shit about your country. I don't expect you to know all about mine.
FrizzleMehGibblets: ahhh... you forget about Steve Irwin... Aussies are highly sensitive about that. Do the Aussie cunts have Steve Irwin parties?
Bobblefighterman: No, it's too close to the day Peter Brock died. You guys were saddened over Steve Irwin, but we had to deal with both him and one of our most celebrated racing car drivers dying in the same week.
| 4 | 5 | |
1410417468 | 1410465878 | t3_2g2z9z | t5_2to41 | 3 | Joshywat: TIFU by getting ghost pepper oil in my eyes.
So this terrible encounter happened a few months back at school. Now if you don't know what ghost pepper oil is its the oil from a ghost pepper, the 3rd hottest pepper in the world. So there I was a happy boy after recently getting a small vile of ghost pepper oil. Some of my school friends wanted to try a bit so i bought it along to school just for a few friends to dabble in. Now all was fine until the end of my lunch break where the lid no longer attached to the bottle spilling some of the super hot oil all my sweater. No worries only 2 periods left i will tape the bad boy up and go about my day. First mistake. I walked to my next class, double math, and left the vile with crazy amounts of tape on my desk and I noticed something was in my eye so as you do I put my finger up to my eyes and rub. Something felt very wrong. The teacher is helping another student and with no time to explain I run out the bathroom to try get what I now realize is the oil out my eye. I get to the bathroom and wash my hands and put water on my eye. PAIN. sheering pain runs into both my eyes the oil had got into the water now tainting both my eyes with its devilish heat. I cant open my eyes without the worst pain I have ever felt rushing into them. I fumble round the bathroom to get paper towels i find them but its useless, still pain. I sit with eyes closed for 20 minutes until finally i can open my eyes enough to walk back to class. I get there and lay in my seat in despair, other kids asking if I am alright I brush it off and get my sweater to cover my eyes from the light which is making my eyes sting. I pull the sweater on my face. WRONG MOVE. remember how I said I got some of the oil on that sweater well that just went right back into my eyes reigniting the hot hot hot pain. I stumble around for a friends help and tell them I need to go to the sick bay. A friend helps me over to the sick bay where the nurses are really nice, give me an ice pack and laugh at my story I look in the mirror and look like I just did enough crack to kill a dinosaur but the ice pack slowly subdues the pain. I get up thank them for their help and make my way back to class. There I am greeted by my teacher talking to 2 other teachers and just waiting for me. They ask me what happened I tell them all I know but I did not know it all. During my 20 minute bathroom pain fest other students had been having dabs of the oil and running out of the classroom. I am taken to my deans office where I am told how terrible I am for bringing in the oil and it was a stupid thing to do. Long story short I got taken out of the math class for the next 2 periods to give my teacher a 'break' from me. My story goes all around the school and somehow the store that sells the oil finds out. They stop selling the oil because of me.
TL;DR. I got ghost pepper oil in my eye went to the sickbay after 20 minutes in sheering pain come back to class and get told off for it.
barryk013: It's a vial not a vile haha. And please format! It's a pain to read a huge wall of text
Joshywat: Sorry first time will remember thanks.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410417689 | 1410419653 | t3_2g2zi6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | whitesox619: TIFU by looking like a thief at a grocery store
This didn't happen today, but it happened within the past couple weeks.
A little back story: I'm a freshman in college, and I ride a motorcycle. I'm very tall (6'4''), and pretty skinny, but I do not look skinny/scrawny in the least when I'm wearing my plated hefty jacket.
So I had to go pick up some milk at my local grocery store. Since all I needed was a gallon or two of milk, I wanted to take my motorcycle. I did, and like always, put on all of my protective gear (helmet, jacket, boots, long pants, and my backpack to carry the milk in). Because I would only be in the store a couple minutes, I didn't take off any of my gear. Usually I take off my helmet, but I have worn it in various stores before without a second glance.
I went to the back of the store, and got the half gallon of milk that was needed (it was not for me). Being the milk lover that I am, I grabbed another two small bottles for myself, and then another gallon (also for myself). Now, this story as a whole may make me look pretty stupid, but I assure you, I'm not stupid enough to carry the milk in my backpack before getting to the register and paying for them. That is not why I was viewed as a thief.
Carrying the half gallon, full gallon, and two small bottles of milk, I went up to the front of the store to check out. Since it was busy, I used the self-checkout lane since I only had a couple of items. AFTER scanning the 4 items I had, I then realized that I had not brought my wallet with me. That could have been bad for a number of reasons (had my drivers license in it, had my money, had proof of insurance, etc.) Luckily, no cops decided to pull me over that day.
After realizing I didn't have my wallet, I rummaged through my backpack for any cash I might of had. I found $5, which was not enough to cover the full cost. So I figured for now, I'd just get the half gallon that was needed, and put the other 3 items back. Being the dumbass that I am, I had already put the 4 items in my backpack at the end of the conveyor belt before searching for my wallet to pay for them. Since I had to go put some items back, and people were waiting in line behind me, I grabbed my bag off of the conveyor belt, and headed back toward the milk section.
Now, this grocery store has a stupid path of travel. I had to walk several feet towards the exit in order to loop back around into the store (without bumping through the line of people waiting behind me). A combination of me wearing dark colored/black gear head to toe, looking tall and bulky, heading toward the exit with items in a black backpack, and a check out screen telling everyone behind me I hadn't paid for the items, caused someone to tell a worker, who happened to be a manager, that I was about to walk off with the unpaid "merchandise".
Without even realizing what was happening, I was approached by the manager and two security officers. Yes, apparently this super market had security officers. I did not know that either. Some people in this world aren't very nice. This manager was one of those people. He was personally offended that I'd try to "steal from his store". He threatened to call the police before I slowly explained my story to him. Even after telling him the truth, I'm fairly certain he didn't buy it, but let me get on with my life anyway. I ended up putting back 3 items, and only buying the one half gallon of milk with my $5.
I am not the one who normally gets into trouble, or gets into these sticky situations, so to make matters worse, the whole time I was stuttering, sweating balls, and acting like I had something to hide when I was just nervous. To make things even MORE worse, I go to this grocery store quite often, and would be pretty easy to pick out in a crowd because of my apparel. The manager sure as hell won't forget me. THANK GOD he did not call the police, because on top of looking like a thief, I also didn't have any ID on me (forgetting my wallet at home tends to present me with a lack of ID). After the huge altercation, I made it home, with my milk, and I have yet to return to that store. I'm not looking forward to going back.
TL;DR Went to get milk from store dressed as a biker, didn't have wallet/money, looked like I was stealing when putting items back, threatened by manager and beefy security.
chachachoudhary: I must not be the only one who analyses his actions every time they see a cctv/security at malls.
*Must not look like a thief*
*Must not look like a thief*
whitesox619: See, I would have probably thought the same thing, if I realized the store had security BEFORE I was caught in the act. I have never seen security there before...I think they go into hiding until needed.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410418496 | 1410429293 | t3_2g30b4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU trying to backbite someone who happened to be behind me
This just happened at around lunch and its 2:43pm as of writing. I happen to be a new hire and am in training. There is this girl that me and my batchmates(of new hires) find really cute. One time during lunchbreak, we were joking around after eating and suddenly I blurted out this girl's name trying to convince my friends that she's on the opposite side. One of my friends called my attention and pointed out to someone behind me. When I turned around, it so happened that it was her back facing me. I just thought she might not have heard it and let it pass. However, when I stood up to exit, one of her friends looked at me in the eye as I was doing my catwalk to the door. This made me think that she heard what I said.
The worse part is that she is on the team in which I would be assigned to when training is over. I don't know how if I still have the face to see her that time. Maybe I should just man up and pretend nothing happened.
TL;DR blurted a girl's name, she happened to be behind me
InYoFaceBeaches: What is backbite?
system3295: backbite - to say mean or spiteful things about (as one not present) Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/backbite
Pick234: Smooth move Don Juan. :)
| 4 | 1 | |
1410422614 | 1410457671 | t3_2g342e | t5_2to41 | 4 | PM_ME_YOUR_PLANTS: TIFU by going on the home computer after my dad was recently home alone
I was inspired to share this by [this TIFU post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2g2f6y/tifu_by_checking_the_browser_history_nsfw/)
So, like most TIFU, this wasn't today, but still.
Basic backstory: At the time, all I had in my room was a crappy laptop, so I used the super good PC out in the main room to do all my gaming and such.
So it's summer vacation and I get home from a trip at about 10 PM with my mother and sister and we all head back to sleep. I wake up and head out to the main room to do some gaming, with my dad sitting approximately 15 feet away in the token "Dad chair".
So I sit down and start closing some things like always. Chrome doesn't need to be open, or CCleaner, or this or that, but then I notice the vlc icon. So I look and think "Ok, my dad must have been watching some movies. I wonder which movie he was watching." So I click it.
I am greeted to two women scissoring each other on a nice white couch. In a hurry, I quickly close it and just sit there.
I still don't even know if my dad knows.
[deleted]: I was expecting you to find gay porn.
[deleted]: ....or a woman fucking a horse.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410424671 | 1410428435 | t3_2g35v9 | t5_2to41 | 2 | oopsypoopsie: Tifu by eating a dunkin donut bagel before a road trip.
So, right now I'm on a 15 hour trip to Orlando Florida with my girlfriend. We decide that we are going to split up the drive 3 hours at a time. We decide it'd be a good idea to grab a small snack before we head out. This was my first fuck up. I decide on a pepper jack cheese bagel from dunkin donuts and a coffee. The coffee tastes like it's 3 days old. The bagel on the other hand? Not so bad. It's no gourmet bagel but I'm certainly not mad about it. I decide to nap first so I can drive when we get to the mountains. Well as I'm sleeping it feels like there's a little person in my stomach trying to get out. I wake up eventually n luckily we stop so my girlfriend can pee. I tell her I have to pee too, as we are not in an open poop relationship yet. As I get closer to the restroom I feel a bubble bubble toil and trouble brewing stronger n stronger. I make it to the stall and i have to admit. This bathroom was immaculate! Cleaner than most people's home bathrooms. More than likely just cleaned. I feel a brown storm coming and don't even bother unbuttoning my pants. Turn around and start the show as I'm planting my ass on the toilet. Pure liquid. Chocolate syrup mixed with water. At this point I'm just happy it's gone quick n clean. Then i look behind me. It was.... All consuming. Everywhere. On the seat. On the back of the toilet. On the wall. On the stall. On the floor. I just destroyed this immaculate throne. It's like a poop grenade went off. So I decide to try n cover my tracks. Pointless. So somewhere there's a speedway employee hating their lives cleaning up the wretched goo I couldn't possibly clean myself. And did I mention I clogged the toilet in the process of trying to act like I didn't just explode everywhere? Sorry speedway guy. I can't talk to my girl about this so I turn to you, reddit. this is my first post. I had to tell somebody!
WantSomeNasty: Fake. Next.
oopsypoopsie: Tell that to the guy working at that speedway.
WeeHeeHee: This is your very first post... Sorry, but you're definitely on the back foot for this one.
oopsypoopsie: I'm not sure what that means lol. I've been lurking here for a long time n thought this was a great way to start. Probably throwing this account away after I'm finished here though.
WeeHeeHee: Basically your post looks fake. Better luck next time, I suppose.
Actually scratch that. No one wants a second post in /r/tifu.
oopsypoopsie: Hmm. Maybe I didn't fuck up hard enough? Haha idk what I did. I just want you guys to like me! I pooped everywhere!
| 7 | 0.285714 | |
1410426615 | 1410651955 | t3_2g37hj | t5_2to41 | 4,856 | Elyot: TIFU by deleting the entire mailing list acquired by my company at a trade show that we spent $6500 and 340 man-hours attending
I work at a small video game development studio. We recently attended a major exhibition/convention to promote our new title—a strategy game with real-time strategy and card game elements. We had a fancy booth with half a dozen computers set up and a full set of staff recruiting people, pitching to them, and showing them the game. The key "sell" that we were trying to make was to collect emails for a mailing list that we would use in the future for marketing, beta testing, and crowdfunding/kickstarter. Emails are the holy grail. Without them, showing off the product would be virtually worthless.
A few important things about booths at conventions/trade shows:
* There is seldom and cell phone reception because there are tens of thousands of people walking around.
* The wifi is unusably awful.
* Wired internet costs $700/day, or $2800 for the 4-day convention.
Fuck-up number 1: I had chosen to skimp out and skip getting the wired internet. Our game demo didn't require any internet connectivity.
Fuck-up number 2: All of our nice computers were being used as demo machines, and we were stuck with a Chromebook to collect the email sign-ups. Chromebooks don't work very well without internet, but I had managed to load up a Google Doc spreadsheet in "offline mode" to collect all of the emails. Or so I thought.
Over the course of four days, we collected hundreds of email sign-ups in the spreadsheet. Everything seemed just fine. However, when we got back to the office, the Chromebook reconnected with the internet, synced, and the entire spreadsheet was erased in an instant. Turns out that it wasn't properly set up in offline mode, so none of our edits to it were saved.
The entire product of our trip to the trade show, which required weeks of preparation and over $6500 in costs, was gone.
Edit: Yay, looks like this is actually the top /r/TIFU post that has nothing to do with sex.
Edit 2: As others have pointed out, the game is called [Prismata](http://prismata.net). I'm not sure if posting that is a violation of the rules on posting personal information; I will gladly remove the link if mods so request.
Edit 3: Thank you to everyone trying to help. We've tried just about everything. The chromebook is an HP CB2. The one thing we have not tried is scraping the hard drive, but every method I've seen for doing that seems to involve booting the device in developer mode, which apparently erases the hard drive. If anybody knows a method of actually doing this, we'll certainly give it a go.
Edit 4: Damn, now this is on top of all the sex posts.
Edit 5: Thanks to everyone who pmed me offering to sign themselves up to our list; you guys are awesome.
Edit 6: HOLY SHIT! I just checked our site stats; apparently THOUSANDS of you clicked that link above, and our list grew by more today than it otherwise has grown in the last MONTH! We added **more new emails than we lost at the exhibition**. Honestly, I have no words; you guys fucking rock.
Edit 7: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!?!?! I get in this morning and our mailing list has TRIPLED. You guys have added 2x more names than the rest of our company's entire marketing efforts to date. What is this shit?
Edit 8: So apparently the r/bestof crosspost is now one of the top links on r/all; here's what you guys did to our mailing list: [http://imgur.com/EDRQhjx](http://imgur.com/EDRQhjx)
Edit 9: Here it is again at the end of the day, it's literally 1100% times higher than it was 48 hours ago: [http://i.imgur.com/S33tyqY.png](http://i.imgur.com/S33tyqY.png) Just fucking unbelievable. Even a few media folks contacted me about the story. The Google Docs Offline team also contacted us to try to identify the problem and possibly recover our lost data. Thank you all for your interest in Prismata; we will try our damnedest to get the servers running at their max capacity so that you can all play as soon as possible!
idamnedit: Pull the hard disk and mount it up on another machine. The data may still be there. Was the machine turned off between the show and losing the document?
OliStabilize: Hard disk is on board on a chromebook and it is very unlikely anything was flushed to disk (as is the chromebook way).
idamnedit: Look for a linux boot disk that works on chromebooks. You may be able to boot off that and access the chrome disk. Then youvwill have recovery tools on hand.
OliStabilize: I doubt any of that data touched the hard disk.
idamnedit: Well if the machine was turned off at all between the show and getting back to the office it had to have been cached somewhere not in volital memory. Also with page swapping there is the possibility that it is written to some temp file. Its not going to hurt anything to look.
Elyot: Google tech support told us that we almost certainly won't find anything, but I wouldn't mind giving it a try. The problem is that every set of instructions I find for doing this involves first booting the device in developer mode, which erases the hard drive contents!
[deleted]: Wow... remind me never to buy a Chromebook
tru_power22: They actually kinda rock if you're looking for an >300$ computer for facebook + youtube. So long as you are connected to the internet you're data is always backed up to the cloud. Resistant to viruses, easy to reset (as everything is stored on google's end, and simple to use (basically a suped-up web browser).
panfist: They actually kind of rock...right up until the point you want to do something outside the lines, and then they actually kind of fucking suck a hippo's asshole.
tru_power22: Thing is, you aren't the person they are targeting.
Not to mention the google Chrome app store actually has a decent amount of content now. So they are making improvements
quigilark: The kind of person who doesn't want to lose important data due to a syncing error? Fuck that.
tru_power22: If you have a stable Internet connection, there is a protocol called TCP that makes sure that every packet made it.
quigilark: Yes, that's the problem. You shouldn't need internet to save offline data.
timbermar: You don't, I have created many documents (class notes) and synced them later with no issues. It just went wrong this time. It happens.
quigilark: >It happens.
I've had my Mac for four years and it's never failed to save offline data. "It happens" shouldn't be a passable excuse.
timbermar: While it's completely possible the technology failed OP in this situation; he provided no details on how he set up this spreadsheet so for all we know it was user error. There was a human involved so we can't rule out anything based on how little we know. Like I said, I've never had a failure. That's anecdotal at best, but that at least indicates that the technology works.
quigilark: That's a fair point.
| 18 | 269.777778 | |
1410482404 | 1410567507 | t3_2g371j | t5_2to41 | 0 | escott1981: Eating pot can be very dangerous, not as dangerous as cyanide tho, but still dangerous. I was using exaggeration for humorous effect, Guy.
gearofwar4266: How can it be dangerous? Frightening? Maybe. Dangerous? Not a chance dude.
zelaar: It can totally be dangerous. People can be allergic to it, or be on medications that conflict with it - making both significantly stronger. Use your brain. It's a CNS depressant, and is full of chemicals that will interact with medications.
Plus the anxiety caused from the altered state could cause a lot of trouble for someone with a heart condition if the trip goes bad. Drugging someone without their permission is never okay, and that kid is an idiot. He shouldn't be disowned, but grounded for a few weeks and made to apologize to everyone for being a retard would be a start.
What he did was stupid, selfish, and dangerous.
a_d_d_e_r: The stunning number of deaths from cannabis-medication-induced fright-deaths continues to shock and horrify us all. Cannabis is such a strong depressant, it also causes people to become literal holes in the ground. It is just that depressing.
zelaar: That isn't what I said at all retard. But weed has risks, it isn't 100% safe. For example, it lowers a person's seizure threshold, so somebody with epilepsy really shouldn't touch it. There are people who are allergic to it, and if somebody has a weak heart any sort of stress or shock is a legitimate danger.
Regardless, intentionally giving anyone a mind-altering substance without their permission/knowledge isn't cool. It shows a lack of consideration, respect, and judgement.
a_d_d_e_r: These are "facts". The difference between facts and "facts" is the first is rooted in context of likelyhood and research -- which, I will add, is very sparse for marijuana -- while the latter is discontextualized snippets of otherwise supported information used to mislead people into filling in the blanks with sensation.
Your "facts" are trash, go find some facts and represent them as such.
| 6 | 0 | |
1410404504 | 1410445771 | t3_2g2in5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting an old friend of mine know that his girlfriend sucked my dick in highschool.
I have known this guy forever, he lived one town over from me, we both lived in small towns where everyone knew each other. Our towns were so close that everyone knew each other even the next town over. Our schools were rivals in sports actually. Anyway, this guy, we'll call him B, dated this girl in my school since her freshman year, let's call her L. She was a notorious slut, even while they dated. I think people have told him before and he either didn't believe them or somehow they stayed together despite her being a slut, because she's a manipulative bitch. Anyway, I had broken up with my ex for the first time the summer before my senior year and was in a fuck the world state of mind. I don't know how we started talking, but she initiated it and we ended up trading pictures and she came over one day and sucked my dick. I didn't even nut. She had to leave because my dad would be home any minute and that would be really bad if he caught us, I have really strict parents. I didn't talk to her until the next day and told her I couldn't do any of that anymore because I felt terrible for getting with her while she was with B. I never talked to her again. I actually ended up becoming decent friends with B in college, we played football together. I'm a sophomore now, I quit to focus on school. I am still friends with a lot of the football players. Today some stuff comes up about his girlfriend getting with one of the football players last weekend. Oh by the way, B transferred to a different college this year. My friends are telling me about this and I tell them she has been with numerous guys and this really isn't old news that she is a slut. We talk about this for a good hour and I start feeling really guilty, I don't know why I didn't tell him before, I guess I just suppressed it and blocked it out of my mind. But I texted him and told him that I did, it was going to kill my conscious if I didn't, I don't know why it just did today. I'm a huge pussy for texting it to him and I absolutely hate myself for it.
Malamutewhisperer: If he is STILL with this girl, you only FU by not telling him sooner.
You are kind of a pussy for texting it...but it's done now. Overall, you handled it better than most in my opinion.
Thebigslate: Yeah, I know I am. It was a spur of the moment thing, my conscious took over.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410431100 | 1410466966 | t3_2g3bf9 | t5_2to41 | 25 | jakartatomslk: TIFU by going to a Mormon youth dance
So I'm in High School and one of my pretty good friends (who happens to be Mormon) talks me into going to a "Dance" his church is having. Being 17 years old and full of hormones it sounds like a good idea. I figure me being a non Mormon I am going to be the forbidden fruit and just have them lined up for a dance. Of course me not being much of a dancer (being white, just picture Elaine on Seinfeld episode and her dancing...yeah, that's pretty much me) never even comes into mind.
So I get there and am rather eager to make my rounds. But before the good times start I get pulled into a separate room with all the other non Mormon guys and am told how this dance is going to go down. I wish I had a photo of the look on my face as I was told the ground rules. Bottom line is that there was to be zero touching. If you even accidently made body contact you would be asked to leave. I thanked my no longer good friend for nothing. A few months later he tried getting me to go on a ski trip with his church group....fool me once..not twice.
DynaTheCat: My mormon friend asked if I wanted a free video about the mormon religion.
I said sure! What's the harm in getting a free video!
Turns out that free video came with two mormon sisters that came weekly for a house call preach session trying to convert me. Being a nice person, I was too much of a pussy to reject them.
During one session, I asked them about how they felt about males dominating clergy and how that's unfair (because they both wanted to go up in the church, but women aren't allowed that kind of position.)
And, also how justifying polygamy and second class citizening women on the basis that god made women from man's rib so women should be her husband's tool is wrong. (They kept saying this.... that a wife's place is beside her husband and to follow men's wishes.)
I think I struck a nerve because that was the last session I had with them.
I did see one of them a year later and asked what happened. She told me the other sister went back to Michigan to reaffirm her beliefs so... yeup...
TL;DR: Signed up for free mormon religion video. Got two preaching sisters with it. Made both question their male dominated religion. Feel bad :/
edit: This event happened 10 years ago when i was a junior in HS. Not sure how things are now. Just sharing my experience on being tricked into bible talks. Not a commentary on the mormon religion.
mrmcmaine: They fucked you over and you possibly stopped them from doing the same to others. There are those types of Mormons and Mormons who are just generally nice people. Try not offend the good kind.
DynaTheCat: My mormon friend is awesome. But he shoulda just told the truth about the free video. Pretty sure he was pressured by family or church to provide 1 name and address at least. And knew I wouldn't do the sisters wrong...
I did enjoy the sessions and chatting (over 1 month period). And yeah, I did learn a lot about the mormon religion.
He did end up a Bigham young university, so I was happy for him.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1410432387 | 1410465161 | t3_2g3ck4 | t5_2to41 | 4,372 | ntheg111: [META] TIFU used to be super fun and elaborate stories of royal fuckups. Now, its all SEX
Take a minute to scroll through the front page of /r/TIFU.
SEX SEX SEX. Being fingered or having someone pee in your mouth is NOT a fuckup. Some of these posts are [just uninteresting](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2g26da/tifu_by_enjoying_rough_sex/)
Can we stop with it? There is room for NSFW posts to be interesting, but sex alone, no matter how awkward, is not worthy of /r/TIFU.
To the mods, might I humbly suggest separating these somehow?
Thoughts welcome, thanks in advance and sorry if I am being annoying as fuck
**Clarification:** Sex-related TIFU and NSFW TIFU can be hilarious, when the **"FU" itself isn't sexual.**. When you have sex, however outlandish, and consider it to be a fuckup- it makes me feel like this sub is inhabited by immature teens, and I know this is not the case. Getting sh*t on your dick during anal is called life, its not special.
* * *
Edit: Thank you /u/ij00mini for recommending the fantastic /r/TalesFromTheSheets as a related sub, for anyone who needs to share his awkwards sexual encounters. Great Idea!
Edit 2: Thanks, stranger
Schnuckers: This sub has become an odd NSFW /r/thatHappened .
elarobot: This is precisely what has happened. Its the reason I've stopped checking out any new posts.
...It would be one thing as well, if say, these were stories written by ambitious and talented literature grad students working through a writing exercise. At least then, there would be stories well told. But in reality, the inability of most of these posts to sound mature and intelligent, let alone plausible makes this sub currently unreadable.
Hankvonstankname: Could you type like more of a pretentious douche? Leave the thesaurus on the shelf next time
elarobot: I feel pretty confident i *could* type more like that, if i put in any real effort. And *dude* (i'm speaking on your level now), my comment was pretty straight forward, with practically no SAT words. If you think words like 'unreadable' or 'intelligent' are foreign and esoteric gems i pulled from the depths of a thesaurus, you're a fucking mouth breathing moron. And an unnecessarily snarky douche-bag yourself. Congrats, cunt bag.
genitaliban: >i'm speaking on your level now
Congratulations, you retroactively proved an invalid criticism.
elarobot: ....sarcasm.
genitaliban: Well, obviously.
elarobot: sorry, that was supposed to be a '?" at the end... as if apologetically.
genitaliban: You seem to misunderstand what sarcasm is. It doesn't have to be ironic, any cutting remark can be sarcastic.
elarobot: Honestly, this whole conversation is over my head. Reddit is surely full of some really smart people. I am not one of them.
| 11 | 397.454545 | |
1410400131 | 1410483551 | t3_2g2blx | t5_2to41 | 4 | Globaltacocorp: TIFU by not understanding the origin of a saying
In a meeting with my female superior I was discussing how we made an improvement to one area but not the other and I was thinking of a clever saying to explain/hit-my-point-home.......so I went with,"...you know, does the carpet match the drapes???" Thinking this clearly didn't originate with pubic hair and must be a real saying for 2 things should match and that in any case she wouldn't know the other definition, well I was wrong on both accounts! She had a big laugh and HR came in the office but so far no harm no foul but I left the office immediately after so we'll see if my key card works in the am.
In the realm this is not that bad but I'm still mortified!!!! FME.....
Malamutewhisperer: Well...did she answer you?
Globaltacocorp: Great question, totally skipped my mind! Guess we'll never know, thanks for the laugh!!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410431564 | 1410537521 | t3_2g3bu3 | t5_2to41 | 1 | sun337: TIFU by fixing a girl's life
agentlame: Removed; this is not your fuckup.
sun337: Your ignorance makes me sad. Hope you get well soon.
agentlame: Could you elaborate?
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1410435743 | 1410467131 | t3_2g3fvc | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by embarassing the shit out of my GF in front of her new friends.
Background- My girlfriend and I had been dating for about 5 years when this fuck up occurred. We were both virgins when we started dating and were each others first time.
My girlfriend has always been a bit socially awkward and has trouble making friends. Over a few weeks at the start of semester at Uni she'd gotten pretty close with these 2 other girls in her class. All good so far. She invited them out to a nice dinner with us and said to bring their boyfriends along.
At the time I hated dressing up so I threw on a pair of jeans and polo shirt and met her and the other couples at the restaurant. Everyone else is dressed to the nine, nice dresses, suits etc. I looked like a hobo. We go to a bar near the restaurant before dinner and get a drink. I have an extra one because I'm a bit socially awkward too and a drink allows me to converse and connect with people so much better because I'm relaxed. We go to dinner at this pretty classy place. I have another drink. We're having a great time talking and everything is generally going well. They're all well educated and really nice people.
Order dessert and my girlfriend pulls the cherry off her plate and says to me "Do you want my cherry?"
I say. "No thanks" pause for a sec and a witty remark comes to mind "I've already taken your cherry, baby." One of the boyfriends chuckles a bit but everyone else is dead silent and shocked. As soon as I'd said it I knew I was in the doghouse. Needless to say I kept my mouth shut for the next excruciating hour. We said our goodbyes and I sat through a half hour ear-murdering from my girlfriend and loads of the cold shoulder.
After that we never saw the couples again. Pretty sure my girlfriend still holds that against me. Can't really blame her TBH.
TL:DR Dressed like a hillbilly I embarrassed by GF at a fancy restaurant in front of people she's desperate to impress with a "took your virginity" joke.
[deleted]: That's a funny joke they sound like Mormons. Fuck um.
Phoneking13: ......right in the pussy
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410435930 | 1410510963 | t3_2g3g1v | t5_2to41 | 66 | laho87: TIFU by not clearing my Google search history on my phone.
I don't always use my phone to look things up, but when I do it's to prove someone else wrong. (That's a lie, I look up pretty much everything I don't know.) One day a friend and I were discussing abortion (I don't even remember why), and she was telling me that Planned Parenthood doesn't perform abortions, they just refer you to doctors that do. Knowing that to be incorrect since I lived near a Planned Parenthood at one point that *always* had pro-life picketers outside, I pulled out my handy dandy iPhone and Googled "What is abortion like at Planned Parenthood" and "How much does abortion cost at Planned Parenthood" to show my friend that I am intellectually superior and that she should bow down to me at every given opportunity. I won.
Fast forward to today, when I'm laying in bed with my husband and his phone has died because the charger is *all the way* across the room. He grabs my phone to look up something, and the Google app on my phone automatically shows the recently searched list. "Why are you looking up abortion?! Why would you not tell me if you're pregnant?! You'd better not **ever** abort my child! This is the most fucked up thing ever to keep from me." He eventually believed the "It's not my search history, I was just looking for a friend" explanation once he calmed down and let me talk, but I would've freaked similarly if the situation was reversed. Thank goodness it was my husband that knows we're honest with each other that saw it instead of someone less trusting. Lesson learned…super obvious duh-moment lesson learned.
rlisboa: Yeah, not cleaning up history is mostly a guy problem.
laho87: Yeah, my husband's history is always entertaining. Reddit video game threads, porn, and random Google searches ("Why do cats have tails" is my favorite one of recent). I really don't care if he watches porn, but something he found was automatically saving pictures of titties to my computer, and I don't need all that--I know he didn't save them on purpose because he would do that on the desktop instead. His best friend taught him about Incognito Mode on Google, so he's a porn ninja now. Which is fine with me!
gubloid: Just out of curiosity, why are you okay with it? I personally am a bit of a prude and christian and would freak out if my husband was watching porn. Would love to hear your reasons and point of view :)
ChildishGambin0: Let him be. Guys need our alone time.
gubloid: That doesn't necessarily work in all relationships.
ChildishGambin0: No. You need to ask him what he wants to do and figure something out. I'm not sure if you noticed this, but men are a lot hornier than women. He doesn't expect you to please him all the time, so don't be surprised if he plays dead arm.
gubloid: Well I'm christian and plan on marrying a christian guy so we would have the no sex before marriage thing and I feel like his views would be very similar to mine. When I get married I will be there for his sexual need as much as I can and I will have his interests in heart with that but at the same time, I would expect him to have my interests in heart with how I feel about porn. Marriage is definitely a two way thing and there are sacrifices made on both sides. If a guy can't handle not watching porn for me than I don't think that is a marriage that could work.
ChildishGambin0: Every guy watches porn. You're going to have a hard time finding a guy unless you marry an orthodox priest.
gubloid: Not every guy, I probably spend time in different circles than you but that was my ideal about my future marriage, it doesn't really concern you that much.
ChildishGambin0: Yeah, my circles are filled with realistic individuals, not religious nutjobs.
gubloid: I wanted to understand that woman's point of view and I talked about mine. I wasn't opening myself up to be scrutinised by you and for you to make assumptions about me and my friends.
| 12 | 5.5 | |
1410439075 | 1410720571 | t3_2g3jv0 | t5_2to41 | 20 | ImapineappleIRL: TIFU by getting a boner
Currently I am lying in bed at the hospital wandering whether I can ever have sex again.
Ok, so I have this thing where the foreskin on the tip of my penis doesn't stretch all the way down. I don't really care too much about this because it doesn't really affect me at all. I am also too scared to get circumcised because of it
So this morning me and my fucking dumbass brain decide too see whether i could increase the elasticity of my foreskin by pulling it down with a flaccid dick and then trying to get a boner... *sigh*
And thats what proceeded to do..
When the blood started slowly flowing to my naked flaccid penis, I immediatly knew I fucked up...
Searing pain followed by tearing of my foreskin accompanied my screams of utter terror. Tears and blood fell to the floor. Blood from where I thought I would never bleed and tears I thought I would never have to shed.
I now have a half peeled banana for a dick
I got it stitched up at the hospital. I can't even piss without feeling paralysing pain. Trips to the bathroom are now my greatest fear
That is my fuck up of today.
Just a piece of advice guys... Never experiment with your dick.
TL;DR got boner with non stretchy foreskin pulled down and now i have a . Peeled banana.
ray2128: that sucks. i know what thats like .used to have the same issue. its called phimosis. got circ'd and have never felt better. even increased in size a bit. just get it done. it hurts less than what you went through
ImapineappleIRL: Sorry for the late response but, can you tell me about the process of getting circ'd and what it feels like?
ray2128: Sure. first time any one has asked me about it. At my doctors office there are 2 ways they did it. one is outpatient where i would have had to go to the hospital and be put to sleep while they did it and the other was then and there. i chose the latter because i had been putting it off for so long and it began to interfere with my sex life(besides your case, nothing is worse than being really into it with a girl and have her go so rough that she yanks your foreskin over your dick. it will either tear or get stuck. really kills the mood) so i decided to see a urologist and get it done asap. so i made an appointment and chose the faster process then and there. so i went into a special office where they had me lie down on a reclining table/chair. the doctor had me undress from the waist below, and began to clean and sanitize the area. after everything was clear he injected a local anesthetic at the base of my penis. we waited 15 minutes and once everything was numb he began. he went in the foreskin opening and separated the skin from the head so as not to cut the head. from there he cut the excess foreskin leaving a small amount to allow healing and stretching. after each cut he made, he cauterized it to stop the bleeding and seal the skin. after he was done he stitched it up, bandaged it and i was good to go. for the 1st 2 weeks it was really sensitive and sore but after the 3rd week,everything was good and i have never felt better. really regretted not doing it sooner. main thing to do is avoid getting erections for the 1st week. it is a little painful. make sure to ask the doc for pain medication because they help A LOT. they make the searing pain that last into a small pain that only hurts when fucked with. tip for fapping if you cant resist is use stay away from the cut and stroke near base instead of near cut.after the 3rd or 4th week it will look and feel like brand new.
ImapineappleIRL: Thanks.. I just wanted to know what it felt like getting it the normal way. But I think I would've wanted to be put under. [ Them fapping tips tho;) ].. Does the procedure hurt at all?
ray2128: the only thing that hurts is the anesthetic shot. it stung like a normal shot then everything went numb and it as all good from there. the reason i chose not to be put under is that there are more risks with that type of anesthesia. rather be awake so i know whats going on, and can answer questions if needed.
ImapineappleIRL: What happens if the nurse is hot and you get a boner during the procedure?
ray2128: trust me, while there are knives and electric cauterize-ers near your dick, you suddenly have a great amount of self control.
| 8 | 2.5 | |
1410431759 | 1410444926 | t3_2g3bzr | t5_2to41 | 13 | imabassist: TIFU by getting bit by crazy
What happens on tour stays on tour! I'm a bassist/backing vocalist in a band that just got off of our summer tour in the U.S. We were playing a show one night in WI. After we get done with sound check we were playing the "hurry up and wait" game before the show started.
When the doors opened I noticed this beautiful girl walk in (about 5'9ish', big blue eyes, a great rack, black hair, and she had this tight little black dress on, sexy as hell). Anyway, we were chilling in the back of the house watching the local opening bands. I kept glancing over at this girl who was continuously getting hit on by a bunch of the dudes that were there. She was aggressively pushing them away. I was thinking "damn, well there is no chance with her", little did I know that would change very soon.
We get our call time to get ready for our set. Right after our first song I see her make her way through the crowd and get up close to the stage , right in front of me. She stayed there the rest of the set, and kept giving me the "eyes". After our set I go back stage to sit and relax a bit on the couch in the green room before going to meet fans, sell merch, and grab some drinks.
I pass out for a bit and I wake up to that girl straddling me. "Holy shit, alright alright!" I thought. We talk for about a minute before we start making out, then fooling around a bit. This other guy walks in and starts telling her that they have to go, apparently this guy was her boyfriend. He is obviously pissed off but just lets out a sigh and leaves.
So we continue our fun time because "fuck it, I'm leaving tonight anyway to get to our next show". I figured I would just keep going for awhile, besides I didn't want to make her get off of me. She pauses and begins to tell me her life story about how she wants to get out of WI. She starts saying how amazing of a guy I am, and how she was so baffled as to why at that moment in time she met me. So I keep going to get her to stop talking. She stops again and tells me she wants me to take her on the road with us. (We had about a month left on the tour and we were going all the way to NY, then back across over to WA). She then says "I will do anything you want, just get me out of here. We can get married, I don't care. We can have three kids, I don't care". This immediately sets off several red flags. I knew she was crazy. I didn't want to scare her off though, as I was having a little to much physical fun. I know, I'm a terrible person....
Anyway we fooled around some more and eventually the show promoter comes backstage and tells us we need to get out of there as the headlining band of the tour needed it as they had just finished the show. So I get up and book it to the bathroom because, well, I had to go. As I go to close the door behind me I feel it tug on the other side. I was surprised to turn around and find her there. She comes in and locks the door behind her. "uh oh" I thought.
She pushes me up against the wall, drops to her knees, unzips my pants, and...uh...well... you know... As I get ready to finish she bites down on me. Not super hard, but hard enough. I freaked out! And let me tell you, having both of those things happening at the same time is one of the most weirdest and painful things ever. I didn't know what to do. In that split second I was unsure of whether I should push her off, hit her, or scream. I chose the latter, because the other two seemed like they would make her bite down harder. She lets go and apologized saying "I'm so sorry, I though you would like that". Well yeah I didn't, who in their right mind would?! She then quickly changes subjects and asks me "So, where am I gonna be staying with you for the next month?"
I walked out of the bathroom and went to where the buses and trailers were. She followed. I was thinking of a way to get rid of this girl on the short walk to the back parking lot. When we get outside, I very sternly say "I gotta go, we have a long drive" and I left it at that. I go back inside to get some drinks to try and numb what had just happened. When I came back outside to leave she was gone. Thank god...
Anyway we go down to Chicago the next day, then Indianapolis, after that. Well... it turns out Facebook is a cruel bitch... She had found the band on Facebook, and through that found me. Now I get notifications frequently and somehow I accidentally accepted her friend request. Whoops... she started sending me a but load of messages, and knew that we were headed back to WI the next day to Milwaukee which was just a couple hours from where we were the night I met her. She said that she was coming to that show. I figured I would just hideout in our rig the whole night after our set.
Well she showed up and asked around and eventually one of the guys from one of the other bands told her where I was. She knocked on the window, waving at me and stared at me with the crazy eyes of hers. I pulled down the curtain and went to sleep. I never saw her again.
TL;DR Watch out for crazy women on the road. They may be fun for a little while, but man some bad things can happen to you. Like me, I got my dick bit... It hurt for a couple days but its fine now, I definitely learned my lesson.
[deleted]: wait, wait, wait... accidentally accepted her friend request?
imabassist: oh, should clarify that. Never actually got her name until after the friend request. Profile picture was deceiving. She had a similar name as to someone I knew, so I though I was accepting someone else's friend request. Didn't pay much attention to it until after.
[deleted]: Ok then. We'll let that slide. Does your band happen to sing "Crazy Bitch"?
imabassist: Hahahaha nope. Though, that song would definitely fit this situation in a way.
[deleted]: Consider adding it to your set list. :) And sorry for your bitten dick man.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1410440316 | 1410582140 | t3_2g3lf4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | melonysnicketts: TIFU by not listening to my waxer (NSFW)
Unlike most of these stories I am sat in another branch of the bakery I work at drinking a sugary tea to get over the shock of what just happened:
Today I went to get a full leg and bikini line wax. No biggie, had it done before and I must say I enjoy the smoothness.
My waxist- is that right? Waxist?- is from an Asian country, possibly India (we've never actually discussed this) and retains quite a thick accent and an inability to use the English language correctly. She starts inferring I should try having it all off for once, it's so smooth and much better and you like, yeeees? And in my semi-conscious, not really listening and only agreeing out of politeness state of mind, I apparently agreed to have a Hollywood wax.
Fast forward five minutes, I'm naked from the waist down with one hand under my ass and the other stretching various parts of my nether regions. I am now as hairless as the day I was born and I don't think I like it.
TL;DR Didn't concentrate when talking to my very Indian waxist and now have no pubes, apparently won't for four weeks either.
EDIT: If my friend Seamus should see this, you are allowed to rip me for it.
Voyager5555: Thank you for recognizing that India is part of Asia.
melonysnicketts: I thought that was a thing no?
Voyager5555: Most people don't consider it to be, I'm Bengali by birth and often have to explain that it is.
Chimpeterson: Americans don't see India as Britain's dingleberry.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410443241 | 1410492936 | t3_2g3pj4 | t5_2to41 | 147 | Swiggityswagbitch: TIFU by starting a cold war with my neighbor.
Okay, so my neighbour is rather... how do I say it in English.. a *massive ass.* and looking to start, for lack of a better word, a cold war over *anything.* Today I gave him that chance. I had been making a model rocket the past few months, and decided to test it at the neighborhood park. it worked great, by fell on the head of my neighbor (it had a parachute, not sure the big deal) and now he's putting up a surveillance camera pointed at my house.
EDIT: Because I'm immature, I'm gonna build up a large amount of model rockets and turn on the Soviet national anthem every morning on a stereo. I'm serious about this.
EDITEDIT: Expect update in exactly one week from 3:27AM Iceland/viking time.
EDITEDITEDIT: [subreddit for updates](http://www.reddit.com/r/Coldwarupdates/)
natneo81: I love the ussr anthem.. I'm kind of a trotskyist though.
Swiggityswagbitch: *high five*
natneo81: Fellow commie or just like the song?
Swiggityswagbitch: Both. :D
natneo81: Awesome, great plan btw. You should totally get a ushanka or something to go with the soviet flags.
Swiggityswagbitch: Bro. This is Iceland. We have Soviet styled stuff.
natneo81: Out of curiosity, are you a stalinist?
Swiggityswagbitch: Ehh... He had some good idea in terms of how he decorated the Kremlin. I'm mainly a Leninist and Trotskyist.
natneo81: Haha, me too. /r/communism101 is a good sub for discussions.
| 10 | 14.7 | |
1410462897 | 1410489624 | t3_2g3phg | t5_2to41 | 8 | CubeFarmDweller: Oh, fine then! "Toaster" was the safe word and " strawhat" was the help word.
Fiery_Unicorn_Turd: How would you fit straw hat into a conversation without sounding suspicious?
"Oh hey mom! STRAWHAT"
CubeFarmDweller: A casual text like I'm checking the phone. Friend would call back in five to ten minutes acting like mom. Only had to use it once. Most of the guys I dated were fairly decent.
MilkVetch: Then why does it need to be a code word? I think you misunderstand the intent of codes...
CubeFarmDweller: I would text "toaster" at 2 in the frigging morning. It meant I was home safe and she didn't need to pay attention to who sent the word. If I just said "home", I could've been mistaken for one of her four siblings. Same thing with "strawhat", didn't need to look at who's sending it, she knew what to do.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410437497 | 1410476480 | t3_2g3hyn | t5_2to41 | 7 | blasphemicassault: TIFU by ordering the chicken pesto penne
So today after a memorial service held do those who have passed away in the past two months (including my grandfather), my family and I decide to go out for dinner. We went to a popular sit down restaurant known for their rotisserie chicken dishes. I ordered the pesto penne. I've had it before, it's quite delicious. Today was no different. Still tasted great! But the aftermath seems to have unleashed something horrifically ungodly into my system.
It's 6am and I've been spewing liquids out of both ends. Almost simultaneously. I have just enough time to swing whichever end around so it can spew it's fluids from hell. I'm just waiting for the moment where it comes at once. I'm super cold and can't stop shaking, I can't warm up, and I'm afraid to go to sleep incase I vomit or shit myself while passed out..
TL; DR: ordered a dish I liked and I'm positive it gave me food poisoning.
CubeFarmDweller: That sucks and is one of the worst things ever.
Had a similar thing happen back in March, but with a Caesar salad that consisted of a homemade dressing with raw egg. I think they prepped the salad and let it sit whilst my SO's food was being cooked. The cramps and pain were the worst of it and went on for nearly 24 hours. I went to the ER because of it. I've been hesitant to go back to the restaurant, even though I know not to get the salad again.
blasphemicassault: Sorry to add a little TMI here, but I'm also experiencing my monthly friend and my ramps from that have always been horrible. They sometimes bring tears to my eyes. The abdominal pain I'm feeling on top of those cramps is absolutely terrible.
CubeFarmDweller: My sympathies for that. I hate not being able to differentiate monthly cramps from GI cramps. Stay hydrated and cuddle your heating pad! /hugs
blasphemicassault: I've been chugging water like crazy. I don't have a heating pad here unfortunately. I tried to cuddle the boy but he kept moving and made me really uneasy feeling. Thank you!
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1410444250 | 1410543478 | t3_2g3r4p | t5_2to41 | 239 | smlimes: TIFU by opening a window
Monday morning, at work in the office.
It's about 11 am and my boss calls me in to her office to talk about some meeting shit, I wasn't really sure.
Anyway, I strolled into her office and took a seat. Now, my boss is the type of 50 year old Chihuahua loving bossy lady kinda Gal, and she kept her beloved dog in a small bed, in her office, all day. The little shit made so much noise i'm not sure how it was legal.
She started looking around for something and said "I've just got to go grab the papers honey I won't be a tick!"and darted off down the corridor.
It was REALLY stuffy in her office so i walked over to the Window near the dog and cracked it open to get a nice breeze in my face. as i was standing next to the window gazing out at the streets below, I shit you not, this little pooch jumped up barking at me, hopped onto window ledge drooling at me and slipped right the fuck out of the window. my head exploded on the spot. She was gone, right out of the fucking 8th story window. I honestly came close to pissing my pants because i knew what was coming. My boss walked into the room and just started at me with the Window open and the dog missing.
" I..I..she Just.. THEWINDOW.. i couldn't-" i cried.
then she just screamed. fell on the floor crying as my co-workers rushed in to help. "Gary" escorted me out of the room and we talked for a while and i explained what happened. My boss has taken the week off. Ill be meeting with her on Monday.
fuck
catawhat: It'll be ok. All dogs go to heaven.
Camilomilo: But their killers go to hell.
Sagebrush_Slim: No... Sheep go to heaven...
4th_and_Inches: ... Goats go to hell...
dancingmrt: I too enjoy the occasional Cake reference.
| 6 | 39.833333 | |
1410444994 | 1410450746 | t3_2g3sbd | t5_2to41 | 7 | Frankeh: TIFU by ordering an untoasted sandwich at Subway.
Right, so I walk into Subway a bit hungover and order a steak and cheese. He asks if I want it toasted, I monetarily thought he asked if I want extra cheese.
I say 'No'.
He says 'Are you sure you don't want it toasted' in a disbelieving way as if I'm some fucking moron that doesn't know if he wants a toasted or non toasted Subway (Which I am).
So I stick by my 'No' to prove that I'm not as stupid as he thinks I am, even though I am.
So now I'm sitting here, with a sub par sub in my stomach and a hangover that's not shifted.
Krossfireo: The subway I go to has a broken toaster now... The can Microwave it, but it's just isn't right...
rgnjg: They may as well just close down
SunMoonTruth: Or get a new toaster oven.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410445474 | 1410446950 | t3_2g3t2n | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU i broke up a 12 year friendship.
So basically when I moved to qld from vic I met a girl and we dated for 3 months then out of the blue she broke up with me through text :( and I didn't see her again for 6 months until I got this new job and move to My ex's town and work provided accommodation is a unit above her unit :o so we started hanging out a little and she was seeing another guy and they broke up and I told her how I still felt about her but got nowhere :( then one nite I was down the pub and she and 3 friends happened to be there and my Ex went home with another guy but all nite her best friend was all ways coming over to me talking and such. Any way her best friend ended up coming home with me and we got friskie and my Ex got all butt hurt over it and that is how I broke up a 12 year friendship between my ex and her best friend.
Guy914: So you hooked up with a girl **after** your ex went home with a guy and she is upset about this? Not your fault dude.
If your friendship is over, it's her fault and you are better off... honestly point that out to her. If you two want to be together, be together if not she has to act like a grown up if she wants you in her life.
Spanky_Spankpants: Its not so much my ex being hurt with me that i consider the fuck up its that i ended a 12 year friendship between my ex and her best friend and now they are turning there collective friends against each other that i consider the fuck up.
Guy914: If your friendships falls apart so easily.. it wasn't that good to begin with (think bro's before hoe etc). Not your fault.
Mediate if you can... tell them to grow up and joke that it's nice they are fighting over you but if they are up for a threesome you are too.
If that does't work, stay out of it. Do your own thing, if you like the friend you hooked up with, keep seeing her and keep talking to you ex. DO NOT GET INVOLVED if they drag you into the middle.
| 4 | 2 | |
1410444765 | 1410530095 | t3_2g3ryj | t5_2to41 | 5 | AskamilliusReddiquis: TIFU by going to an interview early.
This happened over the course of the summer.
Because my cashier work only gets me two to three shifts a week, I was in need of a second or better job. One day at the beginning of summer, I thought it would be a great day to hand out resumes. I bused out to a part of town I know I could hand out several resumes in one spot to avoid busing all over the town.
The first place I went to, a comic book shop, told me they just hired. Damn. Walked down the street and I was about to head over to the grocery store there (because cashier work is easy to get into) when I stopped myself. There was a Canadian Tire across the street, and I thought 'what the hell' and applied there before going to the grocery store.
At the grocery store, I was lucky enough to be directed to the owner of the store. I told him I was applying for a job, and the first thing he asked me was 'can you work.' Hell yes I can! 'Perfect, come in tomorrow at noon and see me.' Alright! Got a job on the spot!
The next day comes. I *hate* being late. I'm the type of person that would rather show up an hour early to a movie than be five minutes late. Interview at noon? I got there a little after eleven. (buses could be late, etc, didn`t want to risk it) I asked for the owner, and they told me he wasn`t in yet. Huh. Weird. I didn`t want to be late if he did show up at noon, but I had to do some banking. I waited a little longer and the workers told me he had not come in yet, and might not for another hour. So I bused out to my bank (just down the road thankfully) and called my boyfriend from a payphone to let him know what was going on. He told me to go back and try again. Can`t hurt, right?
I bused back, (now closer to 1pm) and the owner is *still* not in. I was able to talk to one of the managers came down to talk to me. Because the manager just got off of vacation, the owner wasn`t going to be in until 3. They didn`t want me to stick around for two hours, so she took my resume and would look over it for the owner or something like that.
Leaving, I had a feeling the owner wanted to hire me behind the manager`s back, and showing up early ruined that chance. If I had been late, there would have been a chance I would stick around for the owner to show up, but that didn`t happen.
The owner of the grocery store never called me back, but someone else did. The store directly across from the grocery store (Canadian Tire) called me a month later for an interview. Since August I have been working there. Better hours, better benefits, I get a discount, and it is not some boring cashier job! If I did not screw up the grocery store interview, I would have not gotten this now awesome job.
TL;DR: went to an interview early, ended up getting a better job across the street.
rainmanak44: TILO Today I Lucked Out.
supercompu2: Yeah, I fail to see how this went wrong if the job ended up better than the other gig would have, anyway.
rainmanak44: /r/TILO
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410446172 | 1410448385 | t3_2g3u8m | t5_2to41 | 24 | TAsareforchumps: TIFU by making a suicide bomber joke on one of the worst days possible.
Throwaway for obvious reasons. So I am a Senior in High School and today we were deciding on what are Senior Quotes will be for our school's yearbook. We are all sitting in the cafeteria with note cards and we have to write the quote of our choosing down on the note card and turn it in and we are done. However picking a quote can be difficult for most people especially for my Muslim friend who is sitting next to me. I am helping him out and we both share a dark sense of humor. He asks me, "What should I do man everything I have done is unoriginal and cheesy.""Why not 'Allah hu Akbar!*click*'" On cue the entire table of seniors we are sitting at go silent whilst me and my friend's sides are exploding. Mind you this is 7 in the morning and I haven't even looked at the date yet alone even looked at a TV or turned on the radio, and I am generally respectful person, yet I have a dark sense of humor along side my friend. I look up from laughing and everyone is glaring at us. "Bro stop pls." My friend can't stop, won't stop. Wearesofucked.gif. My friend finally collects himself and goes, "That was a good joke friend, *low whisper* why did everyone stop talking." Teachers are glaring at us at this point. Finally someone pipes up, *Thick southern accent* "Because you made a fucking suicide bomber joke on 9/11 assholes." I am now sitting with my friend typing this on my phone and getting ready to explain to the principal why we are complete idiots and now I feel like an asshole.
TL;DR: Tried to be funny with Muslim friend, probably going to end upon a watch list.
DARTHxNIHILUS: I accidentally told one of my teachers to "have a happy 9/11" today.
TAsareforchumps: There is socially awkward then there is this level of socially awkward.
forte_bass: Nah, what scares me is I could see myself doing it too.
TAsareforchumps: Simple solution just don't talk to anyone and browse reddit.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1410446031 | 1410448162 | t3_2g3tzr | t5_2to41 | 22 | CarryingxCarri: TIFU: by potentially ruining a marriage of a customer I helped at my job.
This was about a week ago. I work at a local bicycle shop (pedal bikes not motorcycles) and was dealing with a middle aged man who was looking for a little kid's bike.
As part of my routine I ask how old is your child, is he small or big for his age, what's your price range, etc. Well, he said it was for his secretary's son. He was getting it for her as a gift to show his appreciation for all her hard work. I thought it was cute and he sounded sincere (not at all like he was banging the chick).
He bought a bike and through our procedure I'm supposed to take down the serial number of the bike for our records; it's a legitimate law we have to follow... I forgot to take it down and the bike was gone by the time I remembered.
This is where is gets bad. I have the gentleman's number so I decide to call him and see if he can read it to me over the phone. The number I call is answered by a woman, it didn't surprise me because the man who bought the bike had a wedding ring. I kindly ask her if her husband is home. He's not. So I ask if the bike is at the house and if she could give me the serial number.
"What bike?"
Without even thinking I said, "the one your husband bought for his secretary?"
She has no idea what I was talking about. Her husband never said anything to her and I could tell she was getting angry. I felt horrible. Did I just unintentionally break up this marriage?
Update: finally got a call back from the gentleman today. He sounded happy on the phone and mentioned his wife hadn't known he was getting the bike. Duh! I apologized for calling his home and he said, "you were fine, just doing your job. My wife was confused because she knew I was getting my secretary a gift but she didn't know it was going to be a bicycle for her son." So it seems that everything is okay:) I don't feel so bad. Even though I'm at work I thought you guys would like to know the call I got :)
Ragdoll_Proletariat: If what I think was going on was going on, I think it's probably a lot fairer to say that he broke up that marriage.
yellsaboutjokes: BECAUSE HE INSERTED HIS PENIS INTO THE VAGINA OF ANOTHER WOMAN
forte_bass: Doesn't matter had sex.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1410447169 | 1410539530 | t3_2g3vyj | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by going commando
So I am in this almost chumming phase, so I had a lot of white-gooey-stuff on my panties. So during class I decided to just take them off and put it inside my handbag, and thought I'd put another one later. But because I ended up meeting someone that I had promised to go somewhere with I could not. And my periods started. In public. And I had no undies on. You can imagine the rest(or not).
raytulip: Pics?
[deleted]: [Here ya' go. This one's got double 'eww' for your buck.](http://youtu.be/Xt5DiphXfDs)
bjokey: That's a youtube video, not pics. Just thought i'd let you know
teiu88: It's just a ton of pictures played really quickly.
bjokey: You mean gifs?
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1410444017 | 1410460987 | t3_2g3qrt | t5_2to41 | 37 | in_nothing_we_trust: TIFU by setting myself on fire in a church
As a kid I used to be an alter boy in the catholic church, and before you ask, no I wasnt fucked by the priest. Clearly I wasnt good looking enough. Either that or he was racist (I'm Indian).
Anyway ... as with everything in the catholic church it happened during a service over easter that went on for an eternity. It also was at a point where everything was in darkness. I dont know, something about this jesus bloke dying meant we couldnt have light.
So as a part of the service I had to go around lighting candles. So at one point there is a row of candles to the side or the alter. I proceed to light the first row. I then go to light the second row, which is behind and slightly set back.
What I failed to mention was that as an alter boy you had to wear this big flowing white robe things. We looked like monks but dress in white. This meant that as I was lighting the candles the previous row I had lit was slowly setting my arm on fire.
At this point someone from the crowd rushes up and pulls me away showing me that I was on fire. At this point I rush over to the font (where they keep the holy water to do baptisms) and plunge my arm straight in to put the fire out.
AbsentmindedAsshole: If there was an award for bullshit, this would win it
gameboy17: At least it's not yet another post about sex.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1410431884 | 1410472591 | t3_2g3c44 | t5_2to41 | 13 | cotch85: TIFU thanks to my bladder!
I've read a lot of posts recently here many gave me a chuckle but I felt I owed you all something in return! So this was a couple of months ago, I'd just flown from England to Australia in search of new pastures. My cousin has been out here for 4/5 years, not seen her in that time spoke a few times but her and her boyfriend were letting me stay while I got things in motion.. I snore when I sleep and get very self conscious about it, so for the whole flight I didn't sleep, so to keep myself entertained I drank, free alcohol, gotta get your money's worth right?
After a very long day or 2 without sleep, I finally land in Melbourne and my cousin picks me up at 5am, we make the drive to hers as tired as I am, I don't want to sleep to help jet lag.. So we go into the city for the day.. I sort out my travel card, open a bank account, we go for beers and food, burn as much time as we can. We finally go back home, greeted by her boyfriend (first time I met him, really nice guy) and he's cooked dinner and we eat dinner and drink most of the evening, then it decide I should goto bed.. This reddit is expectedly where it goes downhill.. Due to my long flights and all the walking I'd done on top my feet and legs were balloon-like. I found out after when going to the doctor this can lead to needing to piss more to remove the built up fluid. But I goto sleep and a few hours later wake up with the worst cramp ever, finally get standing and decide I should probably drink some water. So I make my way to the kitchen and drink 2 glasses of water and go back to sleep. I eventually wake up at 7am in a pool.. I was sleeping on a blow up bed and it was all just resting on the top.. How long I'd been soaking and marinating in my piss I don't know, but there was a lot of it.. In my instant panic I've jumped up, Probably splashed it about and undressed, instantly tried soaking it up with tissue. Then take the mattress outside, put the bed sheet in the wash with my piss covered clothes and turn the washing machine on, all while fearing what the outcome would be, I was so embarrassed, almost reduced to tears. My cousin comes out and notices me naked and asks wtf I'm doing, instantly apologise and explain what happened. She said it was ok but jesus, 29 years old and I've just pissed the bed, I scrub it all clean and sit there thinking what do I do? Do I just get a flight back home out of embarrassment, do I run away, never to contact them again? Being British I apologised for 2 days straight, luckily they were cool with it and kinda understanding!
I haven't even told my friends this story, I hope my misery fills you with joy!
CubeFarmDweller: Dude, how do you not pee for two days?
Aside from that, I applaud you cleaning up your accident. That's the best thing a guest can do. It's unfortunate that you had to do it all in the nude though.
cotch85: It was just panic mode.. And oh I had peed many times! But a lot of my fluid was stored in my legs, it took 7 days for them to go down and cost me $400 to get scanned for DVT bad week..
CubeFarmDweller: Ouch. I hope things are going better for you now.
cotch85: It was, but this week work have cancelled my shifts which leaves me quite short for money, but enjoying myself regardless despite my previous awkward fuck ups!
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1410447817 | 1410458787 | t3_2g3x1k | t5_2to41 | 0 | DickLover20: TIFU by letting my father shower with me.
This past weekend I made a horrible mistake by letting my father shower with me. It started when we both woke up at 6:00am, me, for an interview and my father for work in which he had to attend an "important meeting". We both were in a rush and needed to get a shower before leaving. Obviously this wouldn't normally be a problem apart from my mother and sister both had a shower before us and had used up all the hot water. My father said the only solution would be to shower together, I declined straight away but after some thought I decided I'd have to if I wanted to get this job. It was extremely awkward at first, I instinctively covered my junk unlike my father who actually seemed quite comfortable about the situation. About half way through the shower I started washing my hair while my father moved out of the way so I got most of the water stream, this meant removing my hands and my father wouldn't stop staring directly at my crotch. I was confused and decided to turn away from him, he grabbed me by the shoulder forcing me to face him. My instincts forced me to push him away from me, he smashed his head against the bathroom sink and was bleeding profusely from the back of his head. I had no idea what to do, I grabbed him and placed him back in the shower while putting pressure on his wound. After around 10 minutes of this I noticed his chest wasn't moving, I quickly looked for a pulse but without any success. I sat back crying looking at my fathers naked lifeless corpse, I began to think about the situation and knew I had to dispose of the body. At first I thought about using hydrochloric acid like on breaking bad but didn't want to risk finding out if it actually worked. My next best option was to dispose the body by eating it, I was already quite peckish as I had missed breakfast after being in such a rush. I grabbed the butchers knife from the kitchen and began to chop his limbs, I was violently gagging during this and threw up numerous times over myself and him. I finally started working on the head, I was about ready to pop out the eyeballs when I noticed them twitch. I knew this was something to do with his nerves but suddenly I also saw his lips begin to move. His head began talking gibberish, I decided to get closer so I could get a clearer understanding of what he was saying. I'm not 100% sure but I would roughly translate his words to being "don't give dat damn monster tree fiddy" and he then began passing faeces from his neck hole while I tugged one out over his derrière. The end #rekt
TedVagina28: Bravo http://i.imgur.com/s3AoP.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/SparseSourKid](http://gfycat.com/SparseSourKid)
---
^(GIF size: 1.47 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:145.51 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 0 | |
1410448081 | 1410557150 | t3_2g3xje | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing Dracula
It started simple enough. "I Vant To Suck Your Blood!" I barked at her as I chased that cute little ass to the bedroom.
She giggled as i nibbled on her neck, but as I pinned her down so that she couldn't move, her giggles became grunts. "Don't leave any hickies!" She ordered between orgasms, but her pounding my head only made my instinct to bite down harder take over.
She finally lay limp in my arms, us both panting for breath. We cleaned up and went to sleep.
This morning as I was shaving she came into the bathroom and giggled when she saw the bite and suck marks on her neck. Her countenance changed quickly when she remembered her day... She has to take our teenage daughter (who retches at the thought of her parents having sex) to school, then two personal training clients, then two massage therapy clients, THEN go to the construction company to pick up their paperwork to update their bookkeeping.... And she'll look like a horny slut all day!
Instead of a kiss on the way out the door I got a punch in the gut... It's going to be long time before she lets me bring my cape and plastic teeth to bed again.
mechris445: Up vote for a beautifully phrased story
tikibowtiki: Thank you!
I'm a suck bastard. I found the whole thing hilarious. She was less than amused...
mechris445: I can imagine!
tikibowtiki: Still not happy with me this morning... She has more clients today too. No one has said anything to her, but she's gotten a few looks...
mechris445: Well I hope the sex was worth it, cause you ain't getting no more of that for a long time! :)
tikibowtiki: It's such a balancing act.... these women..
"Be rough with me more during sex..." "Don't leave any MARKS!!!"
"Be more gentle... You're hurting me..." "God! Will you just do something different! All you're doing is Frustrating me!"
I can't imagine how hard it would be to be a lesbian in a long term relationship....
Solving a Sudoku puzzle, in the dark, upside down, under 60 feet of water with a grease pencil and a pen light seems easier some days...
But I'm pretty damn good at upside down, underwater sudoku puzzles.. so yes.... It WAS SOOOO... Worth it!
and soon enough, she'll be bitching about not getting enough orgasms, so she'll be back! :)
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1410449389 | 1410539649 | t3_2g3zul | t5_2to41 | 38 | sekathon: TIFU by not reading the instructions on an exam.
So I was doing my History exam, genuinely believed that I got 100%. My points were well thought out and ordered correctly etc...
30 minutes to go. I finish the paper, job done.
5 minutes to go. Everyone is still writing. God these people are stupid.
30 seconds to go. Why is everyone writing? I finished half an hour ago!
I turn over the paper and there's another two questions on the back. Shit.
Surprisingly even though I missed out on 25% of the paper I still achieved a B!
greenvortex: I did this on the SAT verbal section. Finished the first page, sat back. When they announced "two minutes to go" everyone started turning pages frantically and I realized there were two more pages. I scrambled to do the remaining questions and at least filled in all the answers.
I got a 650 (out of 800). I aced the math and still had the highest SATs in my high school class. But in that moment I thought I had just screwed up my whole life.
rinemy: definitely asian
tfyuhjnbgf: He couldn't see to well because of his slit eyelids.
Thoru: I already have you tagged as a possible murder, but now you're a racist too?! I'm ok with this
bjokey: Murder + racism = racist murderer = only kills black people
tfyuhjnbgf: I could be a police man!
bjokey: Nah, here in England the police kill anybody from poland
| 8 | 4.75 | |
1410449321 | 1410452474 | t3_2g3zq3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | BlazingFist: TIFU by having unprotected sex.
Like most people, my tifu actually happened quite a while ago.
Back then, when I was maybe 17 or so, I had gotten rather close with a fair maiden of the opposite sex. We shall call her… Felicity. Felicity and I had been friends for a while now. I had known her since early childhood and, being my closest neighbor I often spent time over at her place. We did quite a bit together, and actually were pretty similar too. Her father was quite religious, and had always tried to instill “moral Christian values” on her. I don’t think any of it stuck though. My father was a missionary, so I had the same hardcore religious upbringing that she did. Neither of us wanted anybody else to know that we were heretics in the eyes of God, so I always put on a face for my dad, as did she, when it came to religion.
I suppose this was one of the things that drew me to her to begin with, not to even mention her looks. Felicity was very attractive, with straight dark-blond hair, light-blue eyes, and slim, fit build. I wasn’t unattractive by any means, but I don’t think anybody would have thought I’d have hooked up with her if you asked them.
In any case though, I happened to be staying over at her house for a couple of weeks while my father was away on a mission. He often left me in the care of Felicity’s father during his absence, and, as my mother had passed away shortly after I was born, I’ve come to regard Felicity and her father almost as my second family.
It was during one of these weeks that I made my move on Felicity...kind of accidentally anyways. We hadn’t had much left to do that we hadn’t done yet already, and her father was away at work for the day. We were both sitting in her living room when she asked me what I wanted to do next. Now was my chance.
“...Ugh...you…?” I asked in a half-joking manner.
“Well alright then, let’s get to it!” She said. Holy shit! Was this actually happening? Of course I really liked Felicity, but I had no idea she’d take me seriously right then.
“Wait, really?” I said. I wasn’t stupid enough to tell her that I didn’t really mean it, but I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting such a positive response from her. She leaned in to kiss me and I reciprocated. She then took my hand and brought me back to her bedroom and closed the door. It wasn’t until my pants came off that I suddenly realized what I had gotten myself into.
“Damn,” I thought, I was totally unprotected. Big mistake. I told Felicity that I really didn’t want to continue without protection.
“Awww c’mon! It’ll be real quick!”
“Sorry…”
“You can pull out afterwards though!”
“Felicity…”
“BlazingFist! I want you in me!”
Admittedly her frustration turned me on even more, but I wasn’t going to risk the consequences of not having protection on me. Felicity dumped her head in her pillow, and I went over to console her. I started rubbing her back when she had forcefully grabbed me onto her bed and gotten on top of me.
“This is not good,” I thought. And indeed, it wasn’t. It was then that I saw Felicity for what she truly was: a medieval succubus demon! She was quickly draining my life force as she pinned me down and started riding me. I opened my mouth to call for help but found that I couldn’t. Her dark magic had paralyzed me. If only I had remembered my sword for protection! Felicity was riding me to death, and I couldn’t do anything about it!
I had all but given up hope when the door broke open and in rushed my father.
“Get off my son you she-witch!” He yelled. He immediately broke out his holy bible and cross and started reciting scriptures. Felicity roared in pain and pinned my father to the ground, viciously scratching at him while I limped into the living room. I hurriedly rushed over to the fireplace and drew the family’s broadsword out from its scabbard above the mantel before returning to face the evil succubus. My father, too, I saw, was quickly having his life force drained. I knew I didn’t have time to waste. I tackled Felicity off my father and chopped off her head with the sword. Her blood-curdling shrieks, though they only lasted a second, will remain in my mind forever. By the time that her head hit the ground, I knew that my good friend was no more.
My father and I left that house, never to return again. I may have lost a friend that day, but I learned to always carry protection with me from then on. You can never trust people to be exactly what they say they are.
TLDR: Didn’t carry protection with me, lost a friend.
AGoodNameWouldBeNice: ROFL that escalated quickly.
kyfoxhead: Damnit!! That's what I was going to say!!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410448380 | 1410450240 | t3_2g3y20 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my co-workers to tone it down when discussing politics and religion in the office.
I am in IT, I have a cube in the corner, there are like 8 people on the floor I work on. Today the CFO comes out and starts talking about impeachments and war and sending all the naysayers overseas. Basically the same stuff everyone says whenever they don't agree with what is happening. Then goes on a big rant on religion. I just don't enjoy overhearing this stuff, and one of my earbuds is broken so I couldn't drown it out like I usually do. So it is the CFO, and the 2 really nice old ladies in credit all getting riled up about all sorts of stuff.
So I head over to put some toner away on the shelf near them and politely ask them to tone it down a bit. It is distracting me and I would prefer if they wouldn't discuss it right here.
IMMEDIATELY I knew I fucked up. I went and sat down back at my desk, instantly I heard footsteps approaching. fuck fuck fuck fuck its the CFO. He looms over me with, "So you don't care about what is happening in the world right now?"
I try to explain that I want people to think of me as neutral. I can't have people not wanting to call IT because "Oh, gwarsh doesn't share my opinion, I don't care if my computer breaks I just wont call him" (I live in Texas, so people can be really bull headed about religion and stuff) but apparently that isn't good enough. I then realize that now i fucked up and probably permanently changed my half decent relationship with the CFO. Now when I go to change out his toner, instead of lighthearted dadjokes, he will probably ask me about some current event.
Just the god damned last thing I needed. I should have just gone for a walk and "checked" some of the equipment on the other side of the warehouse or some shit. Or taken a long dump or something. All I can do is hope that he was honest when he said he didn't mind and it wont nag at him all day or something. This sure as hell will nag at me all day. You all just wait, couple hours from now I might fuck up again by asking him to just forget the whole thing!
TheGameDoneChanged: If hes a smart CFO he wont get too upset about being politely asked to not bring religion into the workplace. Although...it is Texas...
gwarsh41: >Although...it is Texas...
He is a cool dude, and for as adamant as he sounded a little while ago. He looks past the CEO being polar opposite in political views... so maybe I am just freaking out too much.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410448882 | 1410450574 | t3_2g3yx1 | t5_2to41 | 17 | Lockeid: TIFU by watering my plant
Before I begin, there's no pun in the title.
A couple of months ago, I bought a couple of plants, including a Strelizia, which looked really great. I read the instruction sheet which was given in the plant pot.
As opposed to the other plants, this one doesn't seem to die (I don't have a green thumb) and continues to look great. So I just continue to water it pretty often.
Fast forward yesterday, I'm back at my parents' and my mother comes in (and as opposed to the majority of people here, I wasn't masturbating when she came in). We talk a bit and when she's leaving she looks at the plant, tells me that it looks nice but a bit weird.
Today I was going to water it, so I come in and remember what my mom told me, and actually it does really look weird. I look at the instructions sheet to see if there's anything about it and I finally see the label : Artificial Strelitzia.
I had been watering an artificial plant for 6 months, there were instructions and soil so it didn't even occur to me that it could be an artificial one. I now know more than ever that I don't have a green thumb, and that I'm not a smart man.
MonarchGod: This was like life's version of training wheels so one day you can have a real plant.
Lockeid: Considering how every other plant I grew died quickly, I take it as "Stick to artificial plants, you're too bad for the real ones".
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1410444928 | 1410467877 | t3_2g3s7m | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving off half my eyebrow before picture day
Let me start off by saying that it was actually my sister who did this, but since she doesn't use Reddit I decided to post it for her (I'm such a good sister). So we share a bathroom and we were both getting ready for the day. She was trying to look especially nice because it was picture day at her high school. She had started this habit of using her razor to shave in-between her eyebrows in order to save time by not tweezing. She was almost done when I hear her gasp in shock. Her hand had slipped while trying to shave and now half of her right eyebrow was gone. She looks over at me with one and a half eyebrows and my jaw drops, I don't say a word. "What do I do?!" she exclaimed. My mouth still open i just shake my head to say "I don't know". I then start rummaging in my makeup bag for eye brow pencils and makeup, telling her to try and draw it back in. I told her was going to help her fix this. All we had to do was draw the missing half in and it would come out 'okay' in the picture.
Now, I love my sister but what she did next was the dumbest thing ever. *She shaves off half of her other eyebrow!* Now she has two, half eyebrows. "I was trying to even them out" she said. Still holding all of my makeup I can't help but start to giggle. She then gets really angry with me and starts yelling at me and saying it was all my fault. She storms out of the bathroom and I break down in to complete laughter, which she hears and causes her to scream more.
TL;DR: My sister shaved off both halves of her eyebrows the morning of picture day. I will be making fun of her sophomore yearbook photo for the rest of her life.
HythlodaeusRex: OP, we'd all love to see the picture once you guys get prints!
BlamelesslyShameless: I will definitely be posting pictures. She's blamed me for distracting her while shaving so it's the least I can do
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410450127 | 1410472897 | t3_2g416v | t5_2to41 | 12 | sekathon: TIFU by destroying a friend's iPad
So I'm at a party and its dying down so I thought i'd clean up. I take my arm and swipe the entire surface of cans, vomit, food, wrappers etc into this bucket. I look into the bucket as i'm about to leave and I see an iPad.
TLDR:
http://youtu.be/N9rXVJWEais
chachachoudhary: I'm confused, you swiped a Surface but found an iPad?
sekathon: An ipad was on the surface
r0b0torg: Emulator?
| 4 | 3 | |
1410450801 | 1410453048 | t3_2g42cl | t5_2to41 | 12 | BritishLibrary: TIFU by not locking the door at work
Today, I messed up.
I work in an office building. It's a pretty neat place, and I work with some of the most amazing people. The office is nicely decorated, has a few fun distractions around the office; free food, foosball, table tennis. We are all a really close knit bunch, despite working with 200 other people.
One of my favourite things about this office though, is the peace and sanctuary one is afforded in the bathrooms. *[Editors note; this story takes place in a bathroom, but isn't focused on defecating]*
My favourite bathroom; the unisex stall on floor one. It's got dim lighting - great place for a moment of contemplation - and the Wifi reception is great.
I share something with John Dorian here, in that I'm most comfortable when naked. I take a moment to carefully de-robe, as I take my rightful place on the throne. I take a second to select my reading entertainment from the day (tales from /r/pettyrevenge - I think), and proceed.
Now, it's hard to tell if the loos in our office are locked from a first glance - most of the time the doors get a good shake by a would-be-customer. After a fair few shakes and frights over the years, I habitually check the door, imagining my potential embarrassment.
Just as I'm running through this scenario in my head to day, the door busts open. I lock eyes with the new Front Desk girl, three days into the job.
There I am, in my knee-leaning back-hunched naked state. All I can do is muster a feeble... "sorry...?" as she backs off. I hide in the dimly lit room of shame for as long as it took for the colour to leave my cheeks.
Not surprisingly, didn't have much conversation as I strolled past her desk on the way home.
TL;DR - *You're right, my friend, man is the only animal that wears pants during twosies.* Perhaps for good reason.
chiikuroshitsuji: >I habitually check the door
Your habits should be more regular.
avocet00: Perferably, at least as regular as his bowel movements.
| 3 | 4 | |
1410447548 | 1410915665 | t3_2g3wl5 | t5_2to41 | 16 | flamedarkfire: TIFU By not Closing My Browsing the Night Before, and Browsing Reddit in Class [NSFW]
Never thought I'd be posting here.
Anyway last night I was doing my usual browsing, and just before I went to bed I found something good. Well I forgot to close it out, so this morning once I got to my class and BOOM! furry porn right on my screen. I closed out quickly but someone behind me must have seen because a few minutes later when I'm on Reddit briefly in a lull in the lecture I get a message calling me out.
So yeah, great start to the day.
Edit: And in addition to flaunting my deviances I was also late to class.
Kakkuro: Which sub reddit was that?
flamedarkfire: Wasn't a subreddit, was another site.
Kakkuro: Which site?
flamedarkfire: FurAffinity.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1410451553 | 1410452196 | t3_2g43sk | t5_2to41 | 5 | gopherdagold: TIFU by shaving my chest
The actual fuck-up was actually three days ago but am just now seeing the consequences. Anyway so I naturally have VERY thick VERY curly chest hair, and I finally got tired of it the other day and decided to shave it off. It takes about 45 minutes and three different razors and electric clippers to get it done. I finally finish and its amazing! So smooth!!! Fast forward to today... Its growing back, except now the ends don't taper off and they're curling around. The shirts I wear the work are a very well breathing cotton/polyester hybrid and it keeps getting Velcro'd (hooked and looped?) To my chest and I rip it off (you can actually hear it!) Besides the obvious discomfort its now begun to rash. Lesson learned don't shave
TLDR; shaved chest became human Velcro. X-men won't let me join.
MegaMenehune: Or keep maintaining it.
gopherdagold: Yeah I don't got the time or money for razors. Clippers don't cut short enough. Just becomes sandpaper.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410451870 | 1410463153 | t3_2g44e0 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Ibeinternetting: TIFU by eating subway and talking to a coworker
turtlesarerad14: people here whined about poop posts too so unfortunately you're going to have to repost on Saturday :\
I hate how that's a thing. If people have such a problem with it then there should be a tag with an option to have them hidden.
glottal__stop: I think it is a perfectly valid rule and helps to keep things diverse. Quite frankly, I think we should implement it for sex posts as well.
pharmaninja: Sex posts on Sundays only?
glottal__stop: I can't access the sidebar at the moment. Is that the same day as "Shiturday?" It'd probably be best to have its own day.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1410452646 | 1410471074 | t3_2g45ta | t5_2to41 | 2,176 | BleedAmerican: TIFU by going to the wrong class... for a month.
I'm a junior in college now and this isn't so much that I fucked up today or yesterday, but that I've been fucking up for the last 3-4 weeks of classes.
My Intro to Business class was added at the last second and all I had done was switch from one Intro class to another. It's now Monday and Wednesday at 9:30am in room 1202. Well, my professor doesn't see me on his roster list after we make groups for a project and after taking one quiz. I got to the Office of the Registrar to see what's up but they say "well, you have 12 credits, including Intro to Business Mon/Wed, so there shouldn't be an issue". I say okay and just assume its some computer error in the system (I had no clue what was up). Well yesterday I e-mail my professor, that's on the syllabus I have, and he responds with "Yes, you are on my roster, but you haven't been to a single class and didn't participate in the first Exam covering Ch. 1 - 5, so I suggest you drop." My heart just dropped. I was SO sure I had everything right when walking to class, but now that I think about it, there are two classes RIGHT next to each other, 1202 and 1201. I'm now 90% sure I've been going to 1201 and not 1202. So now I'm just fucked out of paying for a class with absolutely no chance at passing.
**TL;DR** I've been attending the class next door to the one I was supposed to for a month, missed an exam and every single class so far.
Yeah, this month I fucked up.
**EDIT** To clarify, I've been going to a different section of the same class. I haven't ever experienced a class where the exact same kind of class was being taught at the exact same time and days, but located right next door. I go to FGCU and we are still a pretty small college (14,000 students) which is why I think this isn't very common here.
Saxiest_Man_Alive: You should try to get into the class you've been going to, I feel like this is a special case and you could get in, unless it's a different class all together and not just a different section. Shit sucks man.
BleedAmerican: I hope they are lenient. Luckily (I guess?) its only a recommended elective. It's not like my Financial Accounting or Econ. classes. Still though, I need those credits.
a_flock_of_goats: Try speaking to the professor and see if they can help speak to the registrar about it. Since.. you know... it is the same class.
jthort4: I ended up showing up to the wrong class like that, they just switched me into the class I was in. Plus it was a class above the one I was supposed to be in so it saved me a few hundred dollars.
a_flock_of_goats: Having been an avid believer in the School of "D's get Degrees" thought process, I skipped out on 90% of classes. I went in for tests and paper due dates when the teacher wanted a physical copy. I still got A's in all of my major classes, and now work with a rather important company to the technology field. So, not to worry OP, you can make it work.
rayyychul: It totally depends on the university's policies. Mine had one where you must complete all required work to receive credit for the course. If you ended up with a B in the class, but you didn't hand in a paper, you won't get credit for the course.
a_flock_of_goats: Very true. Some places are way more strict than others. The professor for the course as well. Some of them will be super relaxed about stuff, while other's are 100 percent against you missing a class. Clearly people on Reddit believe schooling is important as judged by my previous comment.
rayyychul: Eh, I don't care so much about missing classes (I did it, too!), but the OP already missed an exam in that first class... so he may not be able to actually receive credit for the course. That's what I was getting at with my comment :) I just realised it looks like it came out of left field.
a_flock_of_goats: I see where you are coming from there. I sometimes forget that universities aren't always the same. You are totally good, I was referencing the fact that people seemed to disagree with my D's get degrees attitude. :)
| 10 | 217.6 | |
1410453189 | 1410454711 | t3_2g46rj | t5_2to41 | 8 | LyticPhage: TIFU by falling face first into a urinal
This actually happened about 8 years ago now, but thought it was worthy to post. It was my birthday and I had been out drinking heavily with a good group of friends. We had been going around to different bars, ordering drinks, attempting to dance with girls, and as the birthday boy, I was also provided with a hefty number of shots.
Cut to the end of the night. We were in an Irish pub with beers in hand, and I could barely stand up straight. I somehow let my friends know that I needed to go home, but that before I left I first needed to piss. I stumble into the toilets and immediately head to the urinal. Now, this wasnt a classy Irish pub, there were no small, clean, personal urinals here. This pub had the long metal urinals, complete with the metal tray that everyone stands on while peeing directly into a larger metal trough. I unzip my pants, flip my dick out, and let out a long needed piss.
As I was quite drunk and tired, I decided to closed my eyes and relax while peeing. At this point I slip. My feet fall out from under me and I plunged face first directly into a stagnant pool of other peoples piss, all the while my dick still hanging out, freely peeing. Cant stop mid stream, its not healthy. After my plunge, I quickly struggle back to my feet, pants and shirt thoroughly soaked in piss. It is at this point that I realize that I am not the only patron using the urinal. At the other end is another guy standing there peeing, jaw open, absolutely shocked at what he had just witnessed. I think at this point he asked me if I was OK, I mumbled a reply, and got out of there as quick as I could. I literally smelt like Irish piss for the shared cab ride home with my friends.
c1tal0pram: At least it took care of the jelly fish stings on your face??
LyticPhage: Ha that is one positive
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410452523 | 1410484609 | t3_2g45lc | t5_2to41 | 3 | laa-laa: TIFU by ruining the extremely expensive car that belonged to the lead singer of Green-Day.
[deleted]: >VMW
Was it a new Beetle or an old one?
laa-laa: really old
[deleted]: I guess at least the part about the battery checks out then.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410454205 | 1410490792 | t3_2g48mx | t5_2to41 | 11 | Joki9121: TIFU by playing with my legos
Built Millennium Falcon that my sis got me for my 24th birthday, showed gf and started to play with it by flying it around and "shooting" her.
Then I dropped it.
Soul crushing defeat as my gf laughs at me and my loss.
I was able to rebuild it well enough, but now I have more pieces left over and am missing a few aesthetic pieces. Sigh.
Since some of the pieces also blend well with my carpet, I'm afraid I will step on a piece sooner or later also.
Sigh...
*Also discussion, better to play with legos or have them as display?
CatKicker69: Never too old for Legos. I'm 26 and build with my 11 year old nephew regularly!
THEBIGC01: Im 27 and I still don't have the money to get me a Death Star :(
Joki9121: I've always wanted the super star destroyer. But that's also like 400. I don't think I can afford such a luxury item at this moment hahahaha. But that thing looks badass
THEBIGC01: Lego Star Wars is best Legos
Joki9121: Seriously. Sorta bummed they discontinued the older star wars ships. The new ones don't fit with my nostalgia. Although I wouldn't mind that yellow tatooine fighter plane from episode one.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1410452742 | 1410714405 | t3_2g45zn | t5_2to41 | 2 | Shitcicles: TIFU by accidentally going to a gay party
HankMardewkus: "Now I have nothing against gays but" I read to this point a then braced myself for the bigoted statement, "these guys really creep me out" Yeap there it is.
Shitcicles: I'm sorry if something about a guy dressed as a woman hits a nerve but I won't tell them not to, the same way I won't tell someone who likes a different sport that I don't like not to play it.
HankMardewkus: It's not like that at all though. Gender identity is not the same as liking different sports; It's a genetic thing.
Shitcicles: Are you telling me there aren't certain kinds of people in the world that annoy you? Certain aspects of some people's on this planet's personality that hit a nerve? Maybe they're egotistical, shy, easily angered? I'm sure you do.
HankMardewkus: There are definitely people in this world the annoy me. However, I try to make sure it's from things that people can control. An great example of this outlook is how you have annoyed me with your bigoted bullshit that you have tried to pass off as a normal, and defensible thing.
Shitcicles: Yeah you know what? Fuck off with your shit. Stop playing the homophobe card, it's a load of bullshit. You're clearly just looking for an argument.
HankMardewkus: What is this "Playing the homophobe card"? Do you mean calling someone out for saying bigoted things? I was not looking for an argument. I was just reading some TIFU stories. I guess it easier for you to call me the asshole then assess your own faults.
Shitcicles: As in you're calling me a bigot just because I have my own views and feelings. I could easily call you a bigot for getting at me as well. So seriously gtf.
HankMardewkus: That's not how bigotry works. You are making a prejudiced comment about a group of people based on something that genetic. Think of it like this, if you had said "I have nothing wrong with black people but, (insert some racist thing about black people)" I would call you out for being racist. It is pretty much the same thing here. I'm not calling you a bigot just because you have your own views and feelings that's fine. I'm calling you a bigot because this particular view happens to be bigoted view.
Shitcicles: If you said "I'm not being racist but I wouldn't really date a black person" then I wouldn't consider that racist either. It's your type. It's how you feel about a particular group of people but not saying that you think negative thoughts about them or call them out for it.
HankMardewkus: I would argue that specifically not dating a person based off of their race is racist. Finding someone unattractive, or undesirable because of their race is a negative thought. Furthermore, your original comment, which I see has been removed now, also had a negative thought in it. You said you were creeped out by a group of a people.
Shitcicles: No, I didn't say that they the thought would be they were unattractive in any way. They could be very attractive but would not be what someone was interested. Same way as a girl can say another girl is attractive but not date them because they are lesbian.
And I'm not sure which comment you're talking about but I haven't removed anything from this post.
HankMardewkus: The problem with that comparison is that gender affects sexual preference, whereas race does not, or I should say, should not, unless you are a racist. There is nothing inherent about a certain race that influences sexual preference.
Shitcicles: I'm fed up arguing with you.
HankMardewkus: Okay, just know that you really should think about what you say. Certain things that you might not think are offensive, are, in fact, quite offensive.
| 16 | 0.125 | |
1410448473 | 1410485724 | t3_2g3y7s | t5_2to41 | 189 | evilrobotluke: TIFU by wearing gray sweatpants to play basketball after an operation (slightly NSFW?)
So the embarrassing initial detail. I had an operation called a pilonidal sinus excision. Basically an ingrown hair at the top of my butt crack was causing pus and blood to pool in a little pocket there, causing discomfort and a horrible discharge every few days when it would burst out. The doctor basically cuts the infection out and let's your body heal itself closed.
Weeks later and the wound is finally healed and I can get along to my basketball game with my friends. The game gets a bit physical because we may be friends but we are all competitive. Comes down to the last play and I fail to block a three point shot on the buzzer, feel a little twinge down there but the humiliation of the loss pushes it out of my mind.
Hit the showers then change into my spare gray sweats to catch the bus home.
My friends get off at their stop and I change busses soon after. Waiting for the next bus, get a few weird stares from others nearby. Not sure why. Get on the bus, more stares as I sit down.
So I'm walking home from the bus stop and people are actively crossing to the other side to get away from me. I notice a faint metallic smell seeming to emanate from my body as well. I twist my head to look at my backside finally remembering that little twinge of pain. My gray sweats are blood red all down from my butt to my legs. I am bleeding from the top of my asshole but to everyone seeing me, it must look like I've just taken a big cock up the Arse and have torn it open. They'll be telling their friends about the gay guy's walk of shame, I'm sure.
Tldr; Re opened a wound playing ball. Caught a bus while looking like I was bleeding from the ass into my gray sweats.
DivinePrince: Sorry. dont see how this is embarrassing.
When I had my laparoscopic cholecystectomy I was so eager to show everyone at school the incision marks!
Also, I do not know where the fuck you got that dumb idea from. but gay sex is pretty safe, and if you're bleeding from the ass when it's done then you would need to go to the Emergency Room STAT because you could die because something went horribly fucking wrong.
evilrobotluke: That's a bit different to walking around in public unaware your clothes are covered in blood.
DivinePrince: I'd like if someone could tell me so that I could call up the doctor and make sure I'm okay and not going to get an infections or need more surgery to repair it again.
As for walking around unawares? boo-hoo, it happens, shit happens, life happens. Having my period show itself on my pants, or having a wound open up in public is perfectly fine with me, it happens all the time with other people. I just want to make sure I am healthy.
evilrobotluke: You're not even a good troll. Go pretend to be superior somewhere else.
DivinePrince: Troll? Now why would you think that? It's my honest views on the world.
Kind of saddening how ashamed society has become of purely natural things. You disgust me. If anything, YOU'RE the troll. Now go troll somewhere else, I can see right through your disguise.
evilrobotluke: Yes yes. There there. You're very special. Congratulations.
DivinePrince: Yes yes. There there. You're very special. Congratulations. :)
kenji226: I wish someone would tell me that I'm special.
DivinePrince: Such a shame :)
| 10 | 18.9 | |
1410451404 | 1410459503 | t3_2g43ht | t5_2to41 | 2 | jeeco: TIFU by using a ghost to sexually harass my friend
I'll start off with the obligatory "this didn't actually happen today." My story actually happened about three weeks ago now.
For the summer, I held a job as a secretary of sorts for an office at my university and the job entailed of me doing various tedious jobs for many people.
On this particular day, my coworker and I had to stuff nametags for the incoming freshman, and they were being organized by dorm. I happened to get the dorm that my friend is a RA for, so I decided to send her a message using the box.
Now, our freshman year we had a "ghostly encounter"of sorts where I saw something flick her dress although there was nothing around, so we just kind of referred to this as the "butt touching ghost." So, to satiate my immature urges, I decided to write, "Hi anon, I hate you, touch butts" in the box. I decided to wait until it was a little more filled to take a picture of it, send it to her, and then erase the message.
However I never got that chance. The woman in charge of this little project saw my message and started asking questions like "Is this the only box you wrote in? Do I need to check the others? Why did you do this?" And then confiscated it before I could do anything about it. My coworker laughed at me as we heard the woman go around freaking out to everyone in the office about the box, and that seemed to be the end of it.
My day was almost up, I was packing up and getting ready to leave but then the office phone rang. It was the guy whose office is right across from my desk calling to ask me to talk with him in said office. I went in and closed the door behind me, knowing this was going to be bad news. He pulled out the box and asked me to explain the story behind it, so I explained the little ghost sorry, which made me feel like an absolute ass. I explained that I planned on taking a picture and I was promptly going to erase it all. He didn't seem especially convinced and he told me that they were going to cross check my friend in question, but that the whole thing was being treated as a sexual harassment claim.
I tell my friend and she explodes, saying how I was so stupid for defacing school property and how she felt like an ass explaining the situation to her boss as well.
A week went by without me hearing anything, and on my last day of work I get called into the office again, and he explains to me that my friends was okay with the situation and it didn't make her uncomfortable and she wasn't bringing it any further, but I was still going to have a sexual harassment documentation on file for that department and that, had that not been my last day, I would have been asked to resign or just get fired outright. And that is my story on how I became a documented sex offender.
TL;DR Referenced an inside joke on school property and became a campus registered sex offender.
BladeMonkey: I feel like there's something missing. That seems like a pretty extreme reaction to such a small thing that was also verified by your friend.
jeeco: That's what my friends and I thought too. But that's honestly how it went down.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410453611 | 1410497280 | t3_2g47jy | t5_2to41 | 181 | ravagedtoast: TIFU by snot rocketing on my bosses kid
So this happened a few days ago, and I've been too embarrassed to even think about it, but here it goes.
I have extreme allergies, my nose turns into a faucet and my face swells up real nice, itchy eyeballs, the works. I was having an exceptionally bad allergy day, and it just so happened to be bring your kid to work day. I'm single and have no children, so bring your kid to work day for me basically means I get to slack off a little and enjoy my coworkers getting annoyed by their pesky little brats. This view is something that I have expressed to my coworkers, usually by means of jokes saying that they must be miserable with their children and how being a bachelor is the shit. So on bring your kid to work days, everyone brings their punks into my office to show me how wrong I am.
So I'm sitting in my chair, typing up a report (yeah right, sitting on Reddit) when my boss comes in with his daughter 'Sally'. She's a tween and is into perfume I guess. Her smell was very very strong, and it made me sneeze. I sneeze in triples, so 3 sneezes later and now I'm all fucked up. They're just staring at me, and I'm not sure why. My boss hands me a tissue and tells me I have a bat hanging from the cave. Its too late though, as a second round of sneezes come and I shoot my 'bat' right onto the tweens bottom lip. She vomited, I sneezed some more as the horrid smell of puke filled up my office. My boss told me to go home for the day and get better, all with a look of disgust on his face. My office still smells.
TLDR- Allergies make me sneeze, sneeze goopy blob of snot onto boss's daughters bottom lip. Making her vomit.
letmedrawthatshit: https://i.imgur.com/xV50ICp.png
ravagedtoast: omg this is great! im totally making this my background at work. no one ever see's my computer screen hahaah
cwpsti: TIFU to be continued...
| 4 | 45.25 | |
1410453798 | 1410539381 | t3_2g47wm | t5_2to41 | 29 | thewisevaloo: TIFU by shooting about 25 strangers with piss
So when was about 14, (25 now) I went to a music festival with my older brother. As he is about 6 years older than me, he didn't want to hang out with me the whole time, which is fine. That's how our relationship was at the time. We had an understanding. We're walking together and then he's like "I'm gonna go meet up with some friends" and dips.
So now I'm walking alone, from one tent to another and a guy walks up to me and asked if I wanted a free Super Soaker. (uhhh yes!) He's holding a pretty badass Super Soaker that looked brand new. He said "I'll give it to you if you promise to shoot as many people as possible...except me or my friends". Of course, I said yes. I mean, what 14 year old doesn't want a free Super Soaker? So I take it and act like I'm gonna shoot him real quick and he's like "NO DUDE!" But I wasn't really going to. So I left.
I start walking again, shooting people along the way and everyone thinks it's cool. It was a really hot day, so nobody had any problem with it. A bunch of people even started telling me to shoot them when they saw me with the gun. Everyone was older than me, so as a kid, getting attention like that from "cool teenagers" felt pretty cool!
So I'm still walking toward the tent that I originally set out for. After a little while, there wasn't anyone around anymore, so the excitement kind of wore off....So then I realize...this water gun smells...familiar.
Yep. You guessed it. It's filled with piss. I remember at this point that all of this friends were a little ways off, laughing and all staring at me. And the dude freaked when I acted like I was going to shoot him. I'm such an idiot.
My stomach dropped. I felt sick **immediately**. And now I'm sure that a gang of 20 guys are going to find me and kick my ass. I'm freaking out. So obviously, the smart thing to do it just to ditch the water gun and run as far away as possible...but I really wanted to keep it. I mean, human piss aside, it's a really good water gun. (typical 14 year old logic) So I decide to take the incredibly long way around, back to my brother's car, extremely paranoid someone is going to yell out and start chasing me.
But I got to the parking lot, found a hose, washed it out and put it in the trunk.
The End.
Yea, looking back as an adult. It was a really stupid thing to assume that anyone would give away a brand new gun for new reason. Anyway, that's one of my darkest stories.
whitegrapegame: At least it wasn't full of LSD
Babydoll__x: > Too bad it wasn't full of LSD.
Ftfy.
thewisevaloo: lol
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1410451164 | 1410781429 | t3_2g4321 | t5_2to41 | 8 | GuruLakshmir: TIFU by being retarded in a chemistry lab and nearly seriously injuring myself and others
So this was a few years back and I was enrolled in an basic chem lab at my university. Now for whatever reason, I tend to have a really difficult time not being a fuck-up in this sort of thing. I'll read what the lab procedure is and I'll try really hard to focus, but somehow manage to absent-mindedly do something that makes no sense. For example, once I hooked up an apparatus incorrectly because I wasn't paying 100% attention to what I was doing, and it resulted in water pouring all over the lab table and floor. It's gotten better over time, but there was one particular event that I have to share.
We were doing a procedure called a titration. This particular procedure involved us using some sort of weak base and a strong acid. The strong acid was a fairly highly concentrated 9M hydrochloric acid (HCl), meaning roughly **30%** of the mixture was HCl. For reference, most of the time in a chemistry lab, you're going to use acids at far lower concentrations. 6M is the maximum I've used (after 9M), and the typical range in chem lab use was a mere .5-2M.
In a titration, you have a very long, fairly thin tube that you fill with a chemical, which you then let drain into a beaker below. (Photo for reference: http://www.chemistryrules.me.uk/middle/titration.gif). The hydrochloric acid was filled to nearly the top of the long tube, as indicated by the directions. I think the tube was approximately as long or a bit longer than my arm and could hold up to 100mL.
Now, in one part of the procedure, barely any HCl was needed to complete it. So I finished recording my data and went to clean up. I needed to put the tube away, so I did this by picking it up and **hoisting it over my shoulder**. I heard liquid pour onto the floor and immediately had the worst "oh shit" moment ever. I had forgot that the tube was still filled with HCl (maybe 2/3 full).
By some sheer luck I managed to dump all of it onto the floor behind me and not onto my back or anyone else in close proximity. I leaned close to my lab partner and murmured "don't step back, I dumped HCl all over the floor." She said nothing, only giving me a look as if to say "you are the biggest dumbass on the planet."
In that particular class, I was also extremely intimidated by the professor. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I made another dumb decision to NOT tell the professor or the TA that I spilled dangerous chemicals on the floor. Instead, I grabbed some *paper towels* and bent down to just wipe the shit up. (Yes, I know I'm retarded.) When I bent down, the smell was overpowering and I realized it would be stupid to get it on my hands, so I at least realized to wipe it using my shoes with the paper towels.
It was all dry at the end of lab and no one got hurt, so I guess it ended up okay.
**tl;dr - Absentmindedly dumped a sizeable amount of very concentrated acid over my shoulder. Came so close to having to get naked in front of everyone for the safety shower.**
MassXavkas: I had nearly the same experience but instead of pouring the acid on the floor in early blew a hole in the roof.
So the experiment that I was doing made a lot of pressure to build up in a tube. We were told to keep as much of the pressure in the tube as we could. So everybody put in the chemicals in the right quantities, but I'm different... I fucked up by not measuring the quantities and put way too much in. So as the experiment went on everybody was completing their tests and a few people's experiment failed because the equipment failed to let the pressure in and the safety cap on their equipment opened and let the pressure out. Well for some reason the safety cap didn't open and release the pressure inside for another 10 or so mins, then it happened... There was an almighty crack from the back of the the room where the experiments were. And part of the ceiling had been split (which requires a lot of force cos it was a wooden cross beam thing) after further inspection the split had been cause by the safety cap itself breaking away and lodging itself into the cross beam. So yh read instructions and make sure the equipment works
GuruLakshmir: Haha. To be fair, that sounds like a rather dangerous excitement to begin with.
MassXavkas: That's the reason why they have the safety cap things so it's not dangerous but since that fuck up they've stop that experiment
| 4 | 2 | |
1410438829 | 1412672756 | t3_2g3jj3 | t5_2to41 | 196 | Antrikshy: [Meta] Read the top posts from /r/TIFU on your Kindle every week!
Are you tired of reading really long TIFU posts on your LCD screen? Ever wish you could read them with the comfort of your Kindle's e-ink screen? Well, now you can.
I am /u/Antrikshy and I come with [reddit2Kindle](http://github.com/Antrikshy/reddit2Kindle).
The mods will soon use it to publish weekly compilations of TIFU posts. Currently, we are planning to release the top 20 posts of the week, available to download as a .mobi file from the sidebar or in the subreddit header.
But these numbers are up to discussion. Would you be interested in less or more posts than 20?
EDIT: /u/charmzanth's idea of 30 posts sounds better.
---
**About reddit2Kindle**
reddit2Kindle is a Python app that lets you create Kindle book compilations out of *any* subreddit's top self posts. You can pick a number and even the time period (hour, day, week, month, year).
It is currently in beta and available only as a command-line app. Any techies here may be familiar with pip. You can download it using `pip install reddit2Kindle`. Also download Amazon's [KindleGen](http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?docId=1000765211) to fully automate conversion to .mobi format.
Detailed instructions on installation and use are available on the [GitHub page](http://github.com/Antrikshy/reddit2Kindle).
---
[**Download Best of TIFU #1 here**](https://mega.co.nz/#!C48GgaCI!3pj7R3_RYki2Qf0uPirg_nlyjMujo2rSfnx9KAOn4zA) (September 11, 2014)
[**Download Best of TIFU #2 here**](https://mega.co.nz/#!ekFCHZQb!MyKF1w0ECodq44mM03uHFv9lDkV6w27i61C1nAHzwW4) (September 19, 2014)
[**Download Best of TIFU #3 here**](https://mega.co.nz/#!349AyaaR!QMei-4kIfpKb0C5CoYKu6Oq7P6XYNbff-kEHTkKDd7c) (September 26, 2014)
[**Download Best of TIFU #4 here**](https://mega.co.nz/#!Op1jSCyb!0Ktl03mOOsjVTv2nvRNgian1PZ_PJqRIEJE4Z1iBM5c) (October 4, 2014)
[**Download Best of TIFU #5 here**](https://mega.co.nz/#!jkEyVKCT!ap1qK_9gGq7cjqemLhhun4yFPrdO27-1a1M9ljwZ9V4) (October 16, 2014)
[**Download Best of TIFU #6 here**](https://mega.co.nz/#!T11H3AjS!45tlngeX6qcm99f9xBwZLkKRiddsyrHztAgo8SleXVo) (October 24, 2014)
50_Trails_Of_Snails: More!
Antrikshy: New ones approximately every Thursday!
50_Trails_Of_Snails: Yay! I can finally put my Kindle paperwhite back to use :D I haven't been motivated enough to start a book but I would love it for tifu. Or even askreddit. I wish askreddit was on there.
Antrikshy: I might make something that compiles AskReddit style posts at some point.
50_Trails_Of_Snails: :o <3 Tagged as E-reader reddit master/converter
Antrikshy: Maybe I will start a subreddit if I can manage that. I'll have publications from many different subs in one place, perhaps with converters that are fine-tuned to the content of specific subs. I'm getting all sorts of ideas!
50_Trails_Of_Snails: Forgot to reply! I'll definitely subscribe to that! Just got the latest TIFU posts on my kindle! Time to read!
| 8 | 24.5 | |
1410457010 | 1410475135 | t3_2g4dq0 | t5_2to41 | 6 | saeljfkklhen: TIFU by showing an everyday picture of my friend to her friends.
I have(?) a friend. Let's call her Claire.
Claire and I have been friends for a long time. We met online when I was a teenager. I went on a trip to hang out with her once I got my license. It was a long drive, but it was worth it. We had a great time. We went to the movies, played video games, tried to go bungee jumping but it rained. We had a great adventure. We took pictures. Completely innocent show-to-your-grandma-when-she-asks-about-your-summer kind of pictures. Pretty sure I actually did that.
About a month ago, I went on a little trip to Atlantic City. I took a bunch of pictures. There was a really cool street performer who was beatboxing that I took a video of.
Claire and I have stayed very close, but we only rarely see each other in person. We play games online all the time, over Steam and MMOs we happen to have an interest in. In fact, we spend a good amount of time in a rather popular MMO, and we have for two years or so. We have(?) a lot of friends there. We shoot the shit, share stories. We've all become pretty close. I was there when one of our mates got married. I feel it's important to mention that this game involves a good amount of trust. People screw each other over sometimes, and it's allowed. It's all part of the game.
I was talking about my trip to Atlantic City with our friends. Claire wasn't there at the time, she has been away for the past few days. I was talking about the beatboxer and how cool his performance was. Some people wanted to see, so I happily obliged.
I keep all my pictures together on a popular site in albums based on when the were taken like a lot of people do. I tried to share the little video I took, but the game chat was messing up the link. I sent them a link to my albums instead and told them where it was. I seriously didn't mind at all if people went through any of my other albums. There wasn't anything private, and these were my friends. In fact, somebody asked if they could look, and I said I didn't mind. Nothing bad was going to come of it.
Or so I thought. See, Claire wasn't always Claire - when we met, she was Carl. About three or four (five?) years ago, she started to realize that wasn't who she really was inside - who she felt like she should be. She made a choice to do what was right for herself. I've supported her fully, and it hasn't always been easy for her. Her family has not been kind. Her old friends haven't been kind, either. I really think of her as Claire now, and 'lol ur really a d00d' doesn't cross my mind. She has made a lot of progress, and when it comes to her choice, she has told me that she sees it as a different chapter -- Claire and Carl are two different people, like how most of us see our 12 year old selves and our 24 year old selves.
She had made this change before we started playing this game. When she met people there, she was Claire. She sounds feminine in voice chat. She talks about relationshit with a boyfriend from time to time. She made real friends, like I did. I know it was a big deal for her, given her family and old friends not wanting much of anything to do with her anymore. Everyone she met in game thought of her as Claire. Thing is, she never told anyone she used to be Carl. I don't think she had any reason or obligation to. She's Claire. Honestly, I don't know if it crossed her mind to do so, but it never crossed mine. Besides, I think that's a private matter.
So, like I said, someone went through my old pictures. I had them tagged. He saw my old pictures of me and Claire when she was Carl. He saw the last name and asked if Claire had a brother, she never mentioned one. I didn't know what the heck he was talking about - which I guess was stupid on my part, but in my defense, Claire is a woman in my opinion, so I didn't put two and two together. He linked the album to me. I said something like "Ooooooh yeaaaaaah, yeah that's back from when I first met Claire. God that's old." I wasn't thinking the slightest about the politics of it all.
He went quiet. Next thing I know, I'm being yelled at for being a spy by one of our leaders in the game. That *is* part of the game. People *do* pretend to be women (or really anything) in order to get an advantage, or steal. It happens, and honestly I don't blame him too much - he was just doing his job and I can understand that. I tried to defend myself and Claire, but I was reeling from the situation and didn't do a good job explaining myself. I also wasn't sure what Claire would want me to say. I couldn't get in touch with her until the next day (today.)
Once the aftermath settled, I could tally the damage. We've been removed from our group. Nobody is talking to either of us. I cost Claire her friends. We're both branded as traitors, spies, and liars. She's very upset with me. She says it's my fault for being stupid. She says they're assholes like her family. She says it's her fault for being the way she is. She's very mad at the world right now. It hit her out of the blue and she had no way to defend herself, or her choices. She won't talk to me now. I tried calling her once, but her boyfriend told me to fuck off (though that could be unrelated. He's not my biggest fan anyways due to how close Claire and I are. Were.)
I'm just giving her space now. I really hope everything calms down, and I can mend some bridges. I know there are some I can't. I'm really hoping some of our closer friends will come around - I'm not even sure who knows what yet. Some people believe she is who she is now, some don't. I **do** know things can never **ever** go back to the way they were. Some people were chanting shit like "kick the tranny!" when we were removed, so even if people believe that we're not shady assholes, the environment is now too toxic. She can't ever go back somewhere that even one person would treat her like that. In part, I'm glad she wasn't around to see that, I really am. I'm hoping that time will help things heal, but in the mean time, I really fucked up.
Swiggityswagbitch: Okay. Just send her an email or a text saying the exact same thing as here. Trust me dude, if she's as close a friend as you say she is, she'll understand. I know how these things can be.
saeljfkklhen: Yeah, I'd like to explain my side. I haven't had much of a chance. I think she needs space for now. An eMail is a great idea.
Swiggityswagbitch: I'd send the email now, and just to be safe. And add that you'll give her all the time she needs
saeljfkklhen: Yeah, I'll write something now. I pretty much have in my head a thousand times, so it shouldn't be that hard.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1410446624 | 1410514207 | t3_2g3v0k | t5_2to41 | 25 | Paravin: TIFU by eating a beet salad before going partying
I live in Latvia, and we've got an amazing salad made from beets, sour cream, garlic and I have no idea what kind of amazing addition, that just makes it really tasty. However the combination does work as a real fart multiplier, as the more of this salad I eat the more (exponentially, of course) smellier my farts become.
I was enjoying a nice dinner of pasta with meat balls along with this delicious fucker salad one day before going to the Old City to show around the Erasmus students the best bars and clubs. Little did I know (ok i kinda did but I don't give a fuck) alcohol in conjugation with this salad makes my stomach into the meanest gas maniac since a moustached man ruled Germany. And did I drink! 3 liters of beer later we all moved out to the nearest club.
Inside, shaking my butt with three ladies from France I soon felt a familiar feeling - a bull rushing through my insides. But the alcohol in my veins said - fuck it, Paravin, no one will feel a thing, keep strutting! So strut I did.
AND FEEL THEY DID.
Immediately the prim and proper Western Europeans whiffed a full nose of Northern European processed cuisine. Shock and terror filled their eyes. I knew what was up, immediately starting to grimace. After a few minutes they gave up acting and just continued dancing, not like lightning can strike the same place twice, can it?
Yes it can. After I went to the toilet and took a major shit, I soon felt another cowboy try his luck in my bowels. It slipped out just as quick like as my dick does from a condom when the girls says "you can take that off". And the girls dancing were soon fucked more than they could imagine. And they knew the culprit. They stared into my eyes and exclaimed:" Paravin, que qous c'est !? (Pardon my french)".
I dropped all acting, stared at them for a moment and then just smiled.
At the end of the night I went alone and had a burger. Shit was tasty.
TL;DR: France came to Latvia, got Anne-Frankd
PM_MeYour_Louboutins: recipe for beet salad?
Paravin: I'll save your comment. As soon as I learn it I'll send it to you, ok?
PM_MeYour_Louboutins: awesome thanks
Paravin: Ok, recipe is extremely simple - grab garlic, boiled beets (just y'know boil some beets) and either mayonnaise or preferably good Eastern European sour cream.
Grate the beets, crush some garlic unto it and add either mayo or sour cream. Aaand that's it. Enjoy! Try not to fart.
| 5 | 5 | |
1410458053 | 1410477274 | t3_2g4fqr | t5_2to41 | 11 | Happy_Alpaca: TIFU By leaving my 'adult' toys out while my landlady shows my apartment...
Well, I royally fucked up.
This is happening as I post this, no time to fix it, she's already there.
Long story short, I have several... toys; I'm a gay man, so I have, you know, the usual: cock ring, a couple of dildos (including a double ended dildo, for when I hook up with a bottom and I want to bottom too) a rubber short with two zippers, a fleshlight and a lube bottle (spunk, yes, it's nasty, but whatever).
I'm in my last 30 days of my rental, I'm moving out mid october and my landlady (a lady in her late 40's) told me she was going to show the apartment today (a nice 2 bedroom in Los Angeles). As soon as she told me I started cleaning up, did the dishes, vacuum, etc. And afterwards I left for work, came back and completely forgot about the showing. One of my FWB texts me, comes over, we play around for a few hours, he leaves around midnight and I fall asleep.
Wake up today, late as fuck for work, shit & shower (S&S), clothes, run for the car, drive to work.
Around 10 minutes ago, the landlady sends me a text message "Hi Happy_Alpaca, I'm going in the property in 5 minutes, just to let you know, I know you're at work I didn't see your car in the driveway" to which I replied "yea that's cool". A few minutes later I realized...
SHIT, literally and figuratively, fucking bottom didn't do an enema and there might be some shit stains in my bed sheets, the bottle of lube is on the floor, THERE'S A HUGE DILDO ON TOP OF THE NIGHTSTAND, broken packages of condoms (3, one him, two me) all over the floor. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I'm so fucking embarrassed, I can't drive there (it's 45 minutes away, THANKS LA TRAFFIC), how am I going to ask her to not show the bedroom or at least go in first? and what? so she can grab gloves and disinfect the place?
I'm never getting my security deposit back, FUCK FUCK FUCK. I'll update if after but I just want to crawl into a hole right now
whiskeycats: Oh man. Hopefully she just calls the dildo a modern piece of art.
The bottom could've at least washed/changed sheets before he left!
Happy_Alpaca: It was late night when he left and I took a shower (I could smell it on my penis) and then just crashed, I'm sure there's some stains around.
I REALLY REALLY Hope she went in first before any potential tenants came, and at least hid the dildo. She knows I'm gay but she didn't know I was into stuff like that, I was always the 'nice guy' now she knows my fetishes and my private stuff. UGHH.
rinemy: at least you're on the last 30 days of your rental
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1410457524 | 1410514140 | t3_2g4epb | t5_2to41 | 3,323 | Helvetica2012: TIFU by using Raphael's Nick-name
From a few months ago - I figured I"d submit a post that wasn't sex related.
So I was managing a restaurant a few months ago. For those of you who have never worked in a restaurant, the majority of them are Spanish speaking in the kitchen. My other managers all speak spanish fluently, but since I"m a stupid gringo who studied French in high school, I usually have to communicate with my expo. His job is to make sure that your burger, your GF's salad, and your father-in-law's steak all arrive at the table at the same time. Here's the problem.
My Chef's name is GUSTAVO - but his nickname is PAPO
My Expo's name is JUAN - but he prefers to be called FRANK
My Dishwasher's name is Luis, but I have 5 other Luis's in my place, so we call him COLOMBIA (cause, you know, he's from COLOMBIA)
I have a new server tonight. His name is RAPHAEL.
I"m noticing a lot of items sent back to the kitchen tonight. Burger's not cooked correctly, or without cheese, salads that hadn't been fired as appetizers, cocktails not ordered correctly, etc etc.
So I go up to my expo Frank (A.K.A. Juan) and ask him what's going on?!
"It's Pendejo's fault!"
"Pendejo?" I respond? "What the fuck are you talking about!?"
"Him!" He points to Raphael " You know, Pendejo!"
At this point I assume that Raphael's nick-name is Pendejo.
Since I'm not an asshole I approach Pendejo and let him know that he's been sending a lot of mistakes to the kitchen. It's okay, but we need to fix the things he's doing wrong. So I begin to shadow him at his tables. "Pendejo, please make sure they get a steak-knife" or "pendejo please make sure we refill their water" or "pendejo plug their order in so i can check it."
Anyway, three days later he no-shows for his shift. I call up my other manager who does scheduling and he says "Yeah man, raphael said you were an asshole and that he didn't wanna work with you."
So I go to my bar - I sit down and talk to my bartender (who's peruvian) about "What does Pendejo mean"
**Apparently Pendejo translates as "pubic hair", but really means "dumbass" or "idiot" or "retard"**
So the next day I come up to my expo and ask him Why he let me call this poor bastard Pendejo for three days without correcting me.
"I'm sorry man, it was just too funny."
IN retrospect, I probably would've done the same thing.
neanderhummus: Literally everybody who has a rudimentary grasp of spanish, especially in a work setting, knows this.. I mean this is like that arrested developement episode where they think there is a guy named Hermano.
SnowflakeRene: *literally* everyone huh...
Sue me, I didn't know and I had three years of Spanish and spent a month in Ecuador with a friend, yet I've never knowingly heard that word used.
neanderhummus: knowingly
SewingLifeAlchemist: Exactly. He has a pretty food grasp on Spanish, but he didn't know that word.
neanderhummus: i'm assuming you mean 'good grasp' and if not I hope 'food grasp' becomes common parlance.
TheJynxedOne: The real judgement of how well you know a language is what level of food you can order.
Super Market self check out - No language skills.
Super Market counter checkout - Basic language skills.
Fast Food Chain - You're getting there.
High Class Restaurant - Congratulations A*!
Any of the above but with a butchered accent and being referred to as a "Pendejo" repeatedly - You're probably British.
Dakaggo: What grade is A*? Is it not really an A? Did you cheat to get it?
Ceegee93: A* is the British equivalent of A+ in America sorta, it's a grade above A.
Dakaggo: Really? That doesn't make a lot of sense. + is like addition so it's more than an A. * is an asterisk so it's like "It's an A but... well there is one thing I should probably tell you about that A..."
nickh93: Yep really, grades in the UK upr to the age of 17/18 are given + /- indicators. For example a high B is a B+, a midrange B is just a B and a low B is a B- .
The exception is an A* which as the top grade available, apparently justifies swapping the + out for a *. We call it an A star.
| 11 | 302.090909 | |
1410458232 | 1410508537 | t3_2g4g35 | t5_2to41 | 7 | penguinsinspace: TIFU by locking my keys to my stores money room inside the money room.
About two weeks ago, I went in to work to run an early morning stocking crew. We all get there at 4am and I start to open the store as I've done dozens of other times. I unlock the front doors, let everyone in, then lock them behind us. I punch in my code to the alarm to disarm it, then go to unlock the door to our money room (where we keep the safe, money, etc.) and here is where I FU. As I move my hand up to bring the key to the door, my keys fly out of my hand. They gracefully sail through the air and hit the door, plopping to the ground. As they hit the ground, my foot moves forward to stop my movement towards the door and connects perfectly with my keys, which then slide underneath the door I was attempting to unlock. I sat there in bewilderment for a few moments before going and getting some bale wire to try and drag the keys underneath the door. I was, thankfully, successful and proceeded with the rest of my morning like nothing ever happened.
neanderhummus: one time i had to pop the trunk using a stick on the ground I stuck through my cracked window to hit the 'open trunk button'and thats why hatchbacks are good.
suspectnumber3: yeah, back in the old days we had vent windows that seemed designed for just such tricks.
school , 12 miles, up hill, both ways, it took us so long to get there we had to get up an hour before we went to sleep
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410460631 | 1410469308 | t3_2g4ksw | t5_2to41 | 42 | UnculturedLout: TIFU by changing the litter box.
I've got two cats. They are furry little poop machines. I have a really strong aversion to bathroom smells (yes, even cat), so I try to get it over with as quickly as possible. I pick up the litter boxes, slide a garbage bag over one end, shake it a little and all the litter and assorted offal slide neatly into the bag.
Little did I know that one of my little darlings had scraped right through the litter and the bottom of the box was given a big sloppy kiss of the hersheys persuasion. A sticky sloppy kiss.
Trying to dump the box before I dump my lunch, I shook the box a bit too vigorously, while banging on the bottom. Just like when you break the seal on a jar of FUCKYOU, the bottom of the box POPPED, freeing the poo from the bottom. The poo, overjoyed at the prospect of freedom and, I assume, wanting to thank its rescuer, leapt immediately down my tank top, into the cleavage of my waiting bosom.
I've just now finished showering and dry heaving.
BigBobsBootyBarn: God that sounds horrible. When an ex and I split she left the cat (actually not a half bad one, I kinda like her) but that thing takes some serious dumps. The kind that will give you sea sickness and vertigo type of dumps. Couldn't imagine one sliding down my shirt and having to pick the remnants out of my chest hair.
On an unrelated note, and I'm just being too lazy to Google atm, isn't "offal" animal guts used for cooking? Liver, innards, brains, etc?
UnculturedLout: True. I mixed it up with ordure. That's what I get for trying to be fancy.
BigBobsBootyBarn: No no, that's what we're all here for. Polite grammar and actual definition Nazi's. *still fancy*
[deleted]: Ahem. Und vat are you doink wit dat apostrophe?
BigBobsBootyBarn: es tut mir leid!
| 6 | 7 | |
1410459086 | 1410673311 | t3_2g4hpz | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a bum to get a job.
I was walking down the street while enjoying my fresh bakery sammich when a bum asked me for some change and all I said was
"What's stopping you from getting a job?"
Apparently this was the wrong fucking thing to say because he got on his bike and followed me while yelling as if he were on top of a mountain. After a block of dealing with the yelling and him getting off his bike and running at me I decided to stand in a Chase Bank where there are guards and just watch him pace back and forth like a caged animal.
The bus I take from school is just right outside the bank so I had one of the guards walk me to the bus in fear of being stabbed (i'm 6'3 200+lbs) and he was just laying under the tree watching and planning his next move for when he has me all alone
GroundskeeperWillyyy: Kind of a dick move on your part but he clearly didn't help his case
DevQT: i dont think it was a dick move at all, theres not much stopping any one of them getting a job unless they have some form of illness but all major cities have locations that help the people out on the streets get cleaned up and find a job even if its just at a mcdonalds.
GroundskeeperWillyyy: That's like telling a fat person to go lose some weight. I agree more can be done but It's not just as simple as going and getting one
DevQT: well of course theres more to it than just walking into a place of business and asking for a job, but I just dont think you should sit in the streets cause it's "easier" to blame your problems and sit there just begging for money on the side of the street.
I personally do not give any of them any money as I have had 3 bad experiences where I gave money and each time have seen them later that day buying liquor at the store. I now just buy them some food at whatever place is near and hand it to them.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1410460810 | 1410668605 | t3_2g4l5t | t5_2to41 | 8 | it_was_an_emergency: TIFU by bleeding while taking notes
(My first post on reddit so I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing) So today I was in class when I felt my gift from nature coming on (essentially the feeling of a waterfall in your pants) Well, being not to fond of bleeding all over the place, I went for the hall pass to put in a tampon. My teacher then proceeded to tell me to sit down and take notes. I give her the eye and say its an emergency, and she proceeds to ask what kind. By then my face is getting red and obviously even the stupidest kids in the class know exactly what im talking about. She then treats me like a child and tells me to ask her if I can leave. I desperately wanted to just leave so I said 'can I leave the classroom?" She says "why?" At this point im incredibly embarrassed that my ovulation cycle has interrupted the whole class and everyones waiting for my answer. Being stubborn I then began to repeat that it was an emergency, and may I please use the bathroom. THEN it seems to dawn on her that i really needed to go as I was wearing white shorts. Well I was really upset by this point because i very nearly bled through in front of the entire class, and what was supposed to be a discrete way to slip out of the classroom turned into me being embarrassed almost to the point of tears (I'm very sensitive about my period for some reason, I hate even asking someone to buy tampons for me, let alone announcing to the class that I need to go stick cotton up my vag). I ended up going home after calling my mom and explaining the situation, and I am still trying to convince her not to say anything to the teacher or the school
DivinePrince: I go when I want to go. I never ever ask the teacher. that's just dumb lol.
those 'rules' of theirs dont exist because they are denying basic human rights to people. So therefor you're actually allowed to go out WHENEVER YOU WANT TO IF YOU NEED IT.
If your teacher gets mad, you go to the authorities.
I feel sad for you stupid people who actually think the teacher has control over your bathroom routine lol
it_was_an_emergency: That's what I was doing, in literally every other class you just take the pass sign your name and go. That teacher just doesn't like us to go during notes but I couldn't wait
DivinePrince: I dont even bother signing my name out or using the pass. :/
I go whenever I want to go. They can't stop me. and for the 4 years I have been doing it, no one ever has stopped me.
it_was_an_emergency: If you dont have a pass in the hall at my school you get a detention. Dumb I know but I'd rather not stay at school for an extra hour
DivinePrince: Again, I dont even bother. :) You are not obligated to go to detention if you were simply following nature's orders.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1410461894 | 1410465229 | t3_2g4n98 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU-I took a drink of really Pepsi from a can on my desk at work that is about 5 days since its been opened.
BigBobsBootyBarn: At least you didn't take a big ol' chug and get a mouthful of roach that was swimming in it. That happened to a buddies girlfriend of mine. FYI we're from the southern US, so we have those motherfuckers that can carry away a chip bag with your hand still in it. Monsters.
[deleted]: The more I think about it a roach is way worse...
BigBobsBootyBarn: They are both pretty bad. Chunky milk can make you shudder just thinking about the consistency.
[deleted]: If you hate someone, spill some milk on carpet in a place that will go unnoticed for a bit. It smells like dead cow I guess. I thought we'd have to replace the carpet, mabe even sell the house.
Did some research baking soda did some magik. An enormous amount of baking soda.
| 5 | 1 | |
1410462560 | 1410468875 | t3_2g4ok1 | t5_2to41 | 28 | samestuff: TIFU in a rolling chair [NSFW]
So like many TIFUs, this did not happen today, but last year. Baby sitter came by to pick up my kidlets and take them to the park, I had around an hour or an hour and a half to myself for once. Being the hornball that I am, I decided to break out my toys and watch some Bible Black. How I fucked up was... I had the choice of laying on a couch to do the deed or sitting in my husbands awesome rolling chair (no arms, but padded). I chose the latter and had either foot on the edge of the couch, one hand holding onto the back of the seat and the other hand ... well you know. I was getting into it and for clarification: I am LOUD. I was also living in a duplex. Normally the neighbors were out working and since the school bus hadn't come yet, I figured I had time. So there I am, getting louder and louder by the minute and furiously working it out... when I look up and to the right. I saw my neighbors son perfectly clear through the blinds, I screamed, he screamed, and I fell off the chair, onto my jelly dong. I had forgot to put the blinds the right way when cleaning them, and my neighbors son had been watching me (cringe). So after rushing to fix the blinds, wash and put away toys, I had to go to work. I didn't feel anything wrong at first but as we were in the dinner rush at the pizzeria I worked at, I started noticing a really bad ache. I was going to call one of my coworkers to come in for me but she wanted to know exactly why I would be leaving. I gave up and kept working, almost crying through the pain. When the rush died down, I checked around to make sure there were no more customers in the joint and called her back.
"So Why do you need me to come in for you?"
"I had an accident before work and I think I may need to go to ER"
"Uh huh...what did you do?"
And on it went, I spent nearly 10 minutes on the phone with her, trying to evade the question until I finally gave up and shouted into the phone
"I fell on a dildo dammit!"
She started laughing and agreed to come in, and I hung up. Turning around I noticed a very red very elderly gent waiting in line to pick up his pizza.
After a very embarrassing few minutes while I rang him up, he left and I was finally able to relax. Never been more embarrassed in my life.
Also, don't sex yourself up in a rolling chair. Really... Netherportal bruises SUCK.
TL;DR: Masturbating in a rolling chair and fell, exclaimed to coworker and customer how I fell on a dildo. Bruised my lady bits all to hell.
MonarchGod: I've got all sorts of questions so bear with me. First and foremost this "jelly dong" was it inside you at the time of the fall? Secondly did the neighbors confront you later, or did that little pervert just save that one for the spank bank? Furthermore did you finish after closing the blinds? Finally did you go to the ER? And if so what were the reactions you got from the nurses and doctor?
samestuff: Yes jelly dong was inside me at the time of the fall. I ended up moving to another city (not related to being embarrassed but for a better job) so thankfully did not have to deal with the neighbors, but I am thinking he didn't actually tell his parents (which I am eternally thankful for). I didn't get to finish either, after falling and landing on said jelly dong, my lady boner had retreated and all I wanted to do was shake off the feeling of shame. AND I ended up going to my gynecologist the next day, I had bruised not only my labia but my cervix (super ouch there). He smirked a little but gratefully, he didn't give me any flack for it. He did tell me not to masturbate on movable objects, good advice.
MonarchGod: Thanks OP for clearing up my questions. Sorry about your vagina injury. I tell my girlfriend all the time you can't break those things, that's why you've never seen one in a junk yard. She tells me "Honey you'll never have to worry about it."
samestuff: Don't think you can break them, but you can sure as hell bruise 'em. :D
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1410455479 | 1410531108 | t3_2g4aw0 | t5_2to41 | 343 | [deleted]: TIFU by using Oragel while flying a helicopter tour.
Let me start by telling you that I am a helicopter pilot. I fly tours over Las Vegas. A huge part of my job is narrating the flight and telling jokes and generally being a performer.
Now to the fuck up...
So the other day I bit my lip while eating. You know that moment when it happens, and you just know the next few days are going to suck. So I bit a hole in the left side of my bottom lip. Then, the next day I somehow ended up biting the right side of my upper lip due to favoring that side because of the pain.
Fast forward to today (last night, if you want to get technical) and I'm in pain. My canines are scraping against open sores on the inside of my lips every time I talk. I end up running to the pharmacy to buy some oragel. I buy this stuff with menthol in it, it turns out to be a thick blue paste in a tube. It is kind of hard to squeeze out since it is so thick, but it does the job and numbs the pain.
I'm using this stuff off and on all day to get by. Finally, the sun goes down, and it's time to start flying night time tours of the strip. I numb myself up, put the tube in my pocket and start the helicopter.
Each tour lasts 15 minutes, and after five of them the oragel has worn off, and the pain is killing me from all the talking. I have another five to go, so I decide to dose myself again. After the fifth tour debarks, the ground crew are working on wrangling the new passengers and I have a minute to myself. So I lock the controls and grab my tube of numbing salvation from my pocket, place the tip on the wound in my mouth and squeeze.
Mother. Of. God. The usually hard to squeeze tube completely empties into my mouth. The Vegas heat had made the paste thin out. I start using my fingers to scrap the paste off my tongue and out of my mouth. I have nowhere to put this blue paste on my fingers, so after a moments hesitation I start wiping it in my pockets.
After a moment I manage (I think) to get all the paste out of my mouth, but the damage has already been done. My tongue is a useless lump of meat, I'm drooling a little, and I sound like I'm talking with marbles in my mouth.
The next tour group is now loaded into my helicopter....
"Hi foksh" I say. Slurring my words. I see questioning eyes that wonder if I'm drunk or having a stroke.
Nothing short of a recording could do it justice. What's even more embarrassing is that not only do I have to narrate the helicopter tour, but I have to talk to other pilots, and the control tower over the radios fairly frequently as well.
The following two tours were the most embarrassing things I think I have ever experienced. I'm sure there are people out there telling their friends how they got a helicopter tour from a drunk pilot.
Venomade: You didn't bother explaining the situation to the tourists? Even gesturing to the empty orajel tube and pointing to your mouth coulda helped alleviate the embarrassment a bit.
Heli-pilot: Partly why this is a TIFU. Not sure why, but trying to explain myself seemed more embarrassing. I just focused on enunciating.
mattonreddit: When I was like 9, the whole family was gone and I was trying my damnedest to squeeze some super glue from the tube. It wouldn't budge, so I had the brilliant idea to use a pliers to *really* give it a squeeze. Just as I saw lights pulling in the driveway, SPLAT! My entire face is covered in quick-set glue. I darted from one end of the room to the other like a chicken with its head cut off and finally gathered the presence of mind to go to the bathroom. Water did nothing, and by now I hear my name called. I look in the mirror in horror. I saunter out with one eye glued shut, bangs adhered to my forehead - looking completely ridiculous. I decided not to make a big deal out of my little Elmer's bukkake party and casually said, "terpentine for super glue, right? Terpentine?"
BlknTan99: Sounds like you have a story to share post it m8 :)
| 5 | 68.6 | |
1410460532 | 1410469346 | t3_2g4klp | t5_2to41 | 26 | baby_mike: TIFU by peeing so hard I sharted
This took place during my college days, but a friend had just reminded me of it so I felt it fitting to write it up for y'all since you're all sadists anyway.
I was at a party at a sorority house at my college, and had imbibed a fair amount of alcohol. Due to said intoxication, I decided it would be a good idea to write my name (my full name is 20 letters) in urine all over the wall of the fence directly outside of the house. So I proceeded to have six more beers for fuel for the spray and forced myself to not relieve myself even though I felt like I was going to rupture my own bladder.
I head outside and steady myself against the fence, take out my "pen", and begin to write. I was doing quite well actually with a good amount of accuracy, and had pissed all over 16 letters. I was on the home stretch, but was running out fast. When I got to the 18th letter, I knew the tank was almost empty...so I started to push harder to get those last drips out. Turns out that pressure down there, whether it's intended to force excretion out the front or the back, will force it both ways without mercy. I end up sharting so viciously I yelped out of pain and fell against the fence, covering myself in aforementioned urine.
So there I am; shitfaced drunk and covered in feces and piss, and what happens? A rush of sorority girls bust out the door en route to the bar strip. I'm shocked and know that I need to save face somehow, so I begin army crawling away behind the building, but in the process squeeze the poop that was previously contained in the buttocks region into the perineum (read: gooch) and all over my testicles and penis, and covering the front of my shirt with dirt (the least of my worries at the time).
Thankfully I avoided the public scorn that would ensue if they had noticed me, but at this point I'm so ashamed and upset with myself the beer tears start flowing. I call my friend who is still in the party and explain to him the situation, hoping to God that he would come help me. Instead, he cuts the music and announces to the entire party that I am outside crying because I shit and pissed all over myself, and I hear him do this. Snap reaction: I close the phone and get up and start running down the street toward my house, shit flowing down my legs and onto my ankles. I'm fucking kicking shit off my heels onto the back of my shirt and head. Thankfully I see no one else on my run home, but holy shit (pun intended), it was close.
Finally I got home and disrobed in the middle of my kitchen and took the most shame-filled shower of my life. To this day I deny it because no one actually saw me and I maintain that I was joking when I called my friend...but I know he knows I wasn't lying. He heard the tears.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Such a shitty move by your friend. A hilarious one, but still shitty.
baby_mike: Haha yeah, we were just that kind of friends. One time he peed the bed with a girl in it sleeping and when I saw him he did the "SHUSH" sign with his finger and lips, and instead of being quiet, I loudly asked him "WOW, DID YOU PEE THE BED AGAIN? CAN'T BELIEVE IT, LOOK AT ALL THAT PEE, WOW"
BigBobsBootyBarn: Lmao, the "again" part is the greatest.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1410465327 | 1410640258 | t3_2g4ty2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by not paying attention back in second grade
Despite the title, this actually happened today, more or less exactly as written.
I rarely talk to anyone at my gym. The M.O. there is that everyone wears earbuds or headphones, and typically, the only interaction is the gesture that says, "are you using that {bar/machine/weight}?" Today was my "back and shoulders" day, and while I was doing lat pulls, this very attractive young woman catches my eye. She's doing her thing on a machine that's facing me from across the gym; our eyes meet, and she gives me a sly little close-lipped smile. Now, I'm not the greatest-looking guy, but I *am* quite fit, so I figure she likes what she sees. Our respective workouts progress, each of us moving from machine to machine, and every time I notice her, our eyes meet and she gives me that sly little smile. I start smiling back during these little moments. Wow, I'm actually sort of flirting with a hot girl at the gym!
"Back and shoulders day" always wipes me out for some reason. My heart races, and I have trouble concentrating (which isn't usually a problem). Add a little adrenaline and a few hormones, and my brain drops to about 30% capacity. After doing my pullovers, I step into the aisle between machines, and there she is, walking toward me. She's wearing a neon pink shirt with some words and pictures on it. I start toward her with a grin, trying to think of something to say. My grin gets distorted by my eyebrows raising as I read her shirt, which doesn't make sense to me. It says, "Sweat like a" and "to look like a," with silhouettes of animals after each line, and I'm having trouble identifying the animals - I'm pretty sure the first one is a pig. "Sweat like a pig," but the rest doesn't make sense. Still, it's a striking shirt, so as she gets within earshot, I pop out my earbuds, and say, "I like your shirt. But why look like a chipmunk?"
As that last word exits my mouth, two things happen simultaneously. First, I realize that the only sensible animal is "fox," not chipmunk, and that I'm an oxygen-deprived idiot. "Sweat like a pig to look like a fox" makes sense, and would have provided an excellent conversation-starter. Second, responding to the "I like your shirt" remark, she's finally given me a proper open-lipped smile - and she has rather prominent front teeth. Ouch.
I manage to stammer "I mean... uhh..." before she's gone, but the daggers her eyes shot at me during the interminable (one second) pause put an ugly end to my workout. I'm guessing she's heard that word before, probably in elementary or middle school, and it still stings. To make things worse, I have a thing for women with overbites - those teeth actually made her *more* attractive to me. Hell, she might have ended up being my ideal woman. And now I have to find a new gym, or start working out in disguise. Anybody know where to buy a fake nose and mustache?
TL;DR: I forgot my animal shapes, told a hot girl with big teeth that she looked like a chipmunk, and now need to move to another country.
Dave9557: Shit happens. Apologize. Tell her you were nervous and felt like a dork.
Nindescropt: No luck, she's actively avoiding me. I've been creepzoned. (Or maybe Bozoned.)
Dave9557: Sorry, man. Live and learn.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410464817 | 1422251719 | t3_2g4syz | t5_2to41 | 5 | dongley: TIFU by locking myself out
TIFU: So I go to take a shower in my dorm after a good run. I have an hour till my next class so I figured I should be good. I take off my glasses because I don't want them to get wet and stick them in my duffel.
I finish in about 15 mins and return to my dorm room, unlocking it with my ID card. As I get dressed I reach for my glasses and realize that they aren't in their usual place on my desk. I then stumble around blindly for a while and for whatever reason forget to check the duffel.
I return to the shower thinking that the glasses must have fallen. I'm Velma-level nearsighted and can only see fuzz more than 2 feet from my face, so it's entirely possible I could have missed them.
It's only when I give up and try to get into the dorm room again that I realize my fuck up just got a whole lot bigger: I left the ID card on my desk when I left the room while groping around for glasses.
Normally locking myself out wouldn't be a very big deal - I've done it four or five times since the beginning of the semester and usually just get my roommate to unlock the door. Unfortunately, he's booked solid with class from 9am-7pm AND I can't call him because doesn't have a cell phone since he didn't pay the bill. So I'm up the creek.
Now at my school you also need your ID to get food unless you have cash. I had cash, but guess what? It was inside my wallet which was also on the desk. So I think, shit, I guess I'll be going hungry for a while.
On top of all this my class starts in a half hour. Luckily I had everything I needed. That is, except working eyeballs which are probably the most important thing. So I go to math class blind and sit in the first row but still can't see shit. I sit there nervously as the TA wanders around the room and wonders why I'm only doing the problems that he says out loud.
By the time math class was over I was starting to get a headache and my stomach was starting to digest itself. I had a bit of time so I decided to do something about this instead of waiting till 7pm. I knew I could go to housing services for a temp card but didn't know where it was. So I wander around campus blind and hungry for an hour and a half asking people like the obvious freshman I am, going in circles and getting lost in my fuzzy world because I can't read the signs.
When I finally reach housing, I fill out a form and get a temp card. I walk all the way back to the dorm with the temp card only to find it doesn't work. Fuck!
I walk as calmly as I can across campus again and housing tells me that the PIN I used was wrong. Apparently I hadn't heard her say it on the way out. Just add that to the list of fuck ups for today.
So I walk across campus for the 4th or 5th time and finally get into my dorm, get my vision back and grab some food. Yeah, don't lock yourself out. Not fun.
td;dr: locked self out of dorm, locked glasses in dorm. Walked in fuzzy circles for several hours.
Teotwawki69: On the bright side, you were wearing pants when you did it.
dongley: Update: I did it again near the end of the semester. No clothes this time, haven't learned a thing.
Teotwawki69: You need to send me your address. So I can be there with a blanket or something next time.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410465978 | 1410545911 | t3_2g4v5w | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a dick pic to my ex-wife
Some background: Received a frisky text from my ex-wife, she was missing me and my member a lot, wanted a picture to remind her of the "good old days". I quickly snapped a decent pic, making sure it looks proportionate and all, and sent it by replying to her text.
So anyway, we sext back and forth, having fun for the first time since our marriage sank, remember all the sexual adventures we had, it was genuinely a nice moment in an otherwise brutal chapter of our lives.
Fast forward to today, I go to her house to spend some time with the kids. My ex's sister is living with her, she moved in after I moved out to help her with the kids + other things, and she is pretty cool. We talk a little, exchange small talk, and then she disappears off into the kitchen.
So I am playing fire truck rescue with my eldest daughter when my ex walks in all pale. She looks like she saw a ghost. She asks if I can join them in the kitchen for a small chat, and I say sure, thinking they wanted to ask what I wanted for dinner etc
Once in the kitchen her sister says to stop sending nudes to my ex, and that she did not enjoy looking at my junk or reading the things we've done. I realised then that my iPhone didn't reply to her text, it sent it as an iMessage, and at the time i didn't really question it. Her sister uses the iPad, which happens to receive said iMessages.
You would think that was the fuckup. It wasn't.
Without thinking I looked her in the eye and said the first thing that came to mind. Which I thought was "Oh I'm sorry", but instead out came "**Did you like what you saw?**"
I must have entered into a weird "embarrassment defence mode" as I followed it up with, "Don't keep your mouth open if you aren't willing to stick it in there" - In reference to her mouth hitting the floor after my initial comment.
Needless to say, I got kicked out and my wife doesn't want me to come round anymore. Now I have to stand outside and wait for the kids whenever I am picking them up/dropping them off.
Oh well.
MonarchGod: This could have gone a completely different way. OP-"Did you like what you saw?"
Sister-"As a matter of fact I loved it!"
OP-"You want to see it in person?"
Sister-"I thought you'd never ask."
(Que funky 70's porn music)
Ex-Wife-"No way this is going on without me!"
OP-"Shut your dirt whore mouth, unless you're licking my balls while I fuckstart your sister!"
Sister-"OoooooooPpppppppppp"
Too Far?
[deleted]: nope...not quite far enough. If you are going to do it right, there better be a clown or midget involved.
[deleted]: You forgot the donkey, man!
*That's where I usually start, anyways*
| 4 | 2 | |
1410465669 | 1410493659 | t3_2g4uko | t5_2to41 | 2,657 | dadontinder: TIFU by finding my dad on Tinder. (NSFW)
About a week ago, my immediate family and I were visiting a large group of family and friends out of state. My brother and I are in our twenties, and were drinking and catching up with everyone else our age while the older adults made dinner. I noticed my brother and our cousin browsing Tinder (new area, new girls) and as I got progressively more drunk, I let myself be convinced by them that it would be hilarious to make a profile with an extremely suggestive bio and see what came my way. The final bio ended up being: "Prepare your assholes, men, because I am a dungeon-trained dominatrix who is ready to plunder. I like men of all ages, shapes, and sizes. As long as you have an anus, I'll have a great time!"
We had chosen to be matched with men of all ages in order to elicit as many responses as possible. We went on a little swiping spree; not looking very closely at any particular guy. Until I saw someone who looked a little too familiar.
The profile was seriously titled "Husband Sub" and there were three pictures of my dad. One, of him blindfolded. Another of him tied up and blindfolded. And a third being his actual profile picture; our entire family on a trip to Hawaii. The bio was something along the lines of "Amateur wife and husband duo looking for a third to participate in a little bit of fun."
I got sober real fast.
TL;DR: Got drunk with my brother, friends, and cousins and made a fake and very sexual Tinder. Got matched with my dad and we all learned a lot about his sexual preferences.
KMilliron: Well... which way did you swipe?
InsaneP: Yes
Starting_over_IRL: No.
Elek3103: Maybe
nyseniorhappy: I don't know.
OldSeltzer: Can you repeat the question?
Girafarigging: You're not the boss of me now.
You're not the boss of me now.
You're not the boss of me now.
And you're not so big.
You would know if your dad's so big now, though.
uhdust: Life is unfair :(
| 9 | 295.222222 | |
1410466547 | 1410469226 | t3_2g4w91 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Swiftii: TIFU by writing "J. Gatsby" on my Great Gatsby essay
He talked to all of his classes about it. Not calling me out, but saying how "this student shows that he didn't read the book and just saw the movie". I felt so embarrassed as everyone laughed but hey TIFU!
WWLadyDeadpool: Did you just watch the movie?
Swiftii: no i read the book but saw the movie right after.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410468768 | 1410469253 | t3_2g50km | t5_2to41 | -2 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a friend at school
I HAVE A STORY FOR YOU PEOPLE.
The story of Balloon the 4th.
In first hour chemistry my teacher, call him Coach B, blew up a balloon. I asked if i could have it and he said sure why not. I got a marker and drew him a smily face.
This was his birth.
Balloon IV and i clicked instantly. He was my comrade, my partner in battle. I noticed his luster on his squeaky red surface - the shine on his black sharpie face.
The day continued. 2nd hour, Balloon IV and i played a delightful game of "kick him around the spanish class". It was truly a connection.
3rd hour came and went.
But then 4th hour happened.
Up to this point, i had weird looks. Questions why i (still) have Balloon IV. They mocked me, but it was for a good cause. However, 4th hour history brought the first menace.
No hope for survival. People with their points everywhere, wanting to pop him. BUT ALAS I WOULDNT ALLOW IT. The balloon and i had been through too much, id sacrifice myself for him if i had too. He was too far into life - by this point he even had facial hair.
Until IT HAPPENED.
Until i had to go to the library.
I left him behind.
As i walked i felt like i betrayed my best friend. We had so many memories.
I knew i'd return to his death.
When i got back, i slowly opened the door. Tears in my eyes, waiting for the horrors of his body...
But no. The poppers hadnt reached him. He fought them off. I took Balloon IV and saved him.
We left that class reunited.
5th, 6th, and 7th hour came and went. The amount of poppers grew larger. I knew i couldnt defend him.
Balloon IV now had gray hairs. He was suffering and couldnt fight off the sharp points. Watching my comrade suffer was like watching my own children suffer. I couldnt do it.
I even got angry at him for putting me through this. I didnt know that i wasnt protecting that shiny balloon anymore. He was protecting me - keeping me sane.
As the 7th hour bell rang, i knew it was over. The principal would take him away and he'd be killed, or a popper in the hall would get him, leaving me defenseless and broken. We ran through the halls. Poppers everywhere we looked. Balloon IV hardly made an effort to save himself. He was deflated, old, and tired. I didnt know what he wanted.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT DAMNIT?!" I cried, as sharp bits flew past him.
But i learned what he wanted. I stopped. I turned. Coach B and i caught eyes. He sighed, and suddenly had a pen in his hand. Then it was in mine. My eyes watered.
My chemistry teacher patted my back. He knew i had to be the one to do it. My tears dropped on his shiny red surface, Balloon The 4th looked into my eyes on last time.
And suddenly it was over. I dropped to my knees. I held his pieces in my arms. I had killed my best friend. After keeping him alive all this time. Coach B helped me up, told me it was okay.
It wasnt okay.
I was a broken man. a changed man. This world gave me a friend and popped it away. As i write this, my fingers tremble and my eyes water.
What do i do now that tje world has chewed me up and spit me out?
Ill never know.
TL;DR - i got a balloon, and after keepin it from popping or taken away ALL FUCKING DAY, i walk up to my chemistry teacher, pop it, and walk out.
losscandalous: Use paragraphs stupid bitch
FaceTheContrast: Fixed that, forgot how reddit spaced stuff out so yeah.
No need to be so rude though~
| 3 | -0.666667 | |
1410469100 | 1410472404 | t3_2g518a | t5_2to41 | 7 | Reach4sKai: TIFU By making an Omelette
Well, this is probably one of my most glorious moments as of recently.
My mother has a garden in the back yard which features all sorts of vegetables in it which I utilize in cooking all the time, with the exception of one that she grows... Banana Peppers.
The peppers being freshly picked, I was "forced" to use them in a dish for myself, so I figured the best way would be in an omelette in the morning, to just throw the peppers in, since I'm a fan of spicy.
I made a grave error after finishing cutting the peppers and starting to cook my eggs... I forgot to wash my hands *again* after cutting up the spicy pepper, and I definitely handled them a lot.
Now, most normal people would take this direction to somewhere of accidentally rubbing their eyes, but no, I decided to fuck up in a completely different approach.
I picked my nose.
HOLY HELL did the wrath of satan and a billion infernos unleash itself inside my nostril, a pain which I writhed with for well over 15 minutes, while attempting to flush my nose with water, which instigated even more problems.
Not only did the water I was flushing my nose with end up going up my nose and then having horrible banana pepper infused water going further up my nasal passage and down into my trachea, but my omelette stuck to the pan and I couldn't flip it with ease. So, as my nostril pain was in full force I tried to flip it, got it all over the stove, half the omelette was cooked into the electric stove-top and the other stayed in the pan.
**Moral of the story is don't not use non-stick pans for eggs, avoid electric stove-tops at all costs, and don't pick your nose after slicing up spicy peppers. Who knows how bad the damage could have been if it was truly a hot pepper.**
tcbringhurst: That banana pepper was jalapeño business
teiu88: Sounds like a sticky situation.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410471877 | 1410520708 | t3_2g56co | t5_2to41 | 107 | Jarrythecableguy: TIFU by letting my best friend of 18 years take and subsequently lose $8000.00 of my savings, that I'll never see again.
This happened a week ago today, but today everything changed.
Since I got out of high school I have been saving money with the intent to go travel for a year or two, backpacking. It's been my dream for as long as I can remember, but my family never had money to do it. I've always been terrible at saving money, but a family friend suggested taking 20 bucks and putting it in a safe place every week. With that plus some other added savings, it amounted to something. He said never look at it, never count it, or you'll be tempted to spend it. I had this old purple chocolate box I put it in and wrapped in a shoelace, and covered the top with old photos and memorabilia in case anyone ever found their way into it. It was tucked in a corner of my closet behind some coveralls.
That was mistake #1.
Recently, my room mate and best friend met a girl. Up until this point, he had never had a girlfriend and was a virgin. He's in his mid 20's. This girl lived down the street from us and they met by chance when she walked by one day and she asked if we had seen her dog. Turns out, we had, and were taking care of it for about a week before this waiting for someone to answer our ads or sign on the street. She turned up and gave me the weirdest vibes - something wasn't right about this girl.
So next day comes along and I find out that my friend went out into the bush with this girl, camping, totally spur of the moment. I was mostly super stoked for him, but partially, I was worried because I didn't know this girl but from what I'd seen she was trouble.
Fast forward a month and they're dating. She's going to meetings to help stay sober, and he's going with her. He helped her move into a new place after she'd been evicted, and all-in-all, things seem to be going really well. I have to say, I was super proud of my friend for handling this all so maturely, and taking really good care of a girl he'd just met. He was in love. She spent a lot of time at our place as for a while she had nowhere to stay. I wasn't sure how I felt about her being in our house, but he said he was always with her.
Then last week comes along, and I get a phone call. "Dude, I have to ask a really big favour, and you don't have to say yes, but let me explain".
He goes into this extremely long story about how she has been getting death threats from her old dealer, to the point of him showing up and tearing shit apart - the guy is for lack of a better word, completely fucked. Well, the last time, my friend was there, and this guy more or less said that if he doesn't get paid by the end of the week he's going to take it into his own hands, and that it "wasn't his fucking problem any more". So he asks me for money. 5 grand. I tell him I don't have that money and he brings up my savings.
At this point I hung up on him a after I told him to grow the fuck up and get the police involved. I was beyond angry that he wanted to take my savings. I couldn't get it off my mind though, and I started to worry about what would happen to my best friend. I was worried he would come between this dealer and his girl, and more than anything in the world I didn't want to lose my best friend. I called him back and asked again how much he needed. "5 grand, her mom is trying to come up with the rest." I believed him, and her.
That was mistake # 2.
The rest? Yeah, apparently 8 grand in total. So a few hours pass by and we find out she doesn't have two pennies to rub together, so it's up to us to come up with the money. So I did it. I put together all the money, my friend came over, and he agreed to pay this ass-hole dealer. Apparently, she owed over 10 grand but he was willing to let it go with 8.
All this time I kept asking, what kind of drug dealer lets someone get into that much debt with them? How does this even happen? I knew I didn't trust her after 5 minutes with her. Who's dumb enough to make that mistake? How did I get involved in all this shit? I work my ass off 40 hours a week, I don't party, I don't hang around these kinds of people, and now my life is all messed up because of this.
I lost so much sleep. I couldn't even eat for a couple days.
Today I got a call from my friend. He tells me she hasn't returned his calls since Monday, and she's moved out of where she was staying. When he asked her room mates where she went they said she packed her shit into a big black truck and left with some guy.
Big black truck, the same the "dealer" drove.
edit:06 jan, 2015
If anyone cares or checks back, guy was caught. Money is gone. He's got nothing, so I'm not going to bother. Sentenced to jail for the next 2 years.
Bwago: YFU indeed; she was the one that needed the money, you needed to talk directly to her and only her, and a story that's already silly on it's face would have completely fallen apart under closer scrutiny. Could have offered to give the money directly to the dealer yourself, for example.
Sorry man, and sorry for your friend as well. Don't let it ruin your friendship.
ed:grammerio
Jarrythecableguy: I will not. He keeps saying he will pay me back but realistically he can't and I told him not to worry so much about it. **It's just money.**
zebragoat: Dude I'm sorry that this shit happened to you because you're fucking awesome. What's your first name I'm gonna do some chants/ prayers wishing you beneficial circumstances in life.
Seriously, you're a person of outstanding character and you will eventually find great things in life
Jarrythecableguy: Thanks. Ubuntu.
dohdoh64: I just want to say you have an awesome name.
| 6 | 17.833333 | |
1410472890 | 1410505729 | t3_2g584r | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting 6 years of my original music onto an external hard drive as backup, and the hard drive failed.
As a composer, I spent countless hours working on orchestral arrangements, ensembles, piano works and the like. I recorded many improvisations and songs, many of them which were my pride and joy for my life.
Obviously I know this means nothing to anyone besides me, but I guess what you can learn from this is, don't just backup your data to one place. Backup to multiple places, because there is always a chance that one source could fail and the data will be irrecoverable.
In this case I stupidly put all of my stuff onto a Western Digital external HD. I got the click of death, and the repair shop says they tried and tried but could not get anything out of it. I would have gladly paid their 1300 fee for the data on the drive.
Landredr: Happened to me too with the same god damn device. Idiot guy who I hated being around was fucking with my bag and wouldn't let me have it. When I told him to drop it like the dog he is he literally did. The 10 gigs of art I had stored on it were lost and I almost shit my pants I was so angry.
[deleted]: Omg. Fucking Western digital man. Sorry for your loss. I felt like shit today too.
Landredr: Oh it was last year I forgot to mention. Still a year on and I'm still not over what a giant man child he was. What I can say is that like art, you'll eventually do better stuff and won't feel as bad for Not having the original stuff.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410455053 | 1411241025 | t3_2g4a52 | t5_2to41 | 5 | thomas47856: TIFU by playing with my brother
AGoodNameWouldBeNice: Wow.
thomas47856: MORE LIKE OW AM I RIGHT?
AGoodNameWouldBeNice: why removed? :(
thomas47856: removed?
AGoodNameWouldBeNice: yup for me
thomas47856: what do you mean by removed?
| 7 | 0.714286 | |
1410471877 | 1410583714 | t3_2g56cp | t5_2to41 | 14 | thistime_neveragain: TIFU: By being a Daddy (NSFW)
I'm at the age (45) in a gay man's life where I fall into the "Daddy Category", and for the past two or three years, I've been attracting guys significantly younger than I am. Today, while traveling on business, a guy messaged me and came on pretty strongly; he said he was an 18 year old who wanted to lose his virginity to me.
I met him at his parent's house since they were on vacation, and when he answered the door, I made him get his ID before I'd even step inside; he looked far younger than eighteen. His ID checked out, and we went inside. He made me an adult drink, and we talked for a while, eventually getting closer and closer, and then he was on top of me. We decided to move the festivities to his bedroom.
For those of you who haven't given it thought, it takes some prep to get a guy ready to lose his virginity. We did all those things and I got him to relax and we started slowly. After about 15 minutes of coaching, he was taking it like a champ and then started moaning and yelling, "fuck me Daddy! Yeah Dad, etc, etc, etc." After another 15 minutes of some hot and heavy, we both climaxed as someone started banging on the door like crazy.
We went downstairs, he answered the door, and I remained out of sight. The neighbors had called and reported him getting raped by his father. The police asked for his father and he told them that his father was on vacation. This aroused their suspicions and under the guise of "Probable Cause" and due to his age, and very young looks, they requested permission to enter and when he stalled them, they asked that he stand back so they could enter the house.
They found me sitting on the couch, still red-faced from our sexual activities and from embarrassment, certainly, asked for our IDs, separated us, and asked us for the story. We told our stories, they were somewhat skeptical that I wasn't his father somehow, but started to leave. As they were leaving though, one of them pauses at the bottom of the stairs, gets his partner's attention, and points at a family picture. I look over at the boy and he's buried his face in his hands. They turn to the kid and say "your Captain H's son"? The boy nodded, "yes", one of the officers looks at me and says "good thing he's on vacation, this wouldn't have gone very well". He and his partner pull the kid aside, have a quiet chat, make sure we understand that they are going leave some details out of the report, and leave. The kid still has to deal with the neighbors for sure: as I was leaving, walking to the car I'd parked on the street, I endured a walk of shame I'd never thought I'd experience...10 neighbors had gathered at the various property lines in order to rubberneck.
TL:DR: Police Captain's son lost his virginity to me and the cops were called on us.
ohsleeperarise: An adult drink huh?
Mr_Goop: That's what you go out of this?
nazgarn: Actually he makes a point. Who calls it an adult drink unless they are a kid?
McMezmer: I think the point was that the teenager looked like a kid but he wasn't because he makes adult drinks.
thistime_neveragain: No, I call them "adult beverages" or by some variant of that. I'm not trying to make a point nor is it code for something else. How about: alcoholic beverage?
McMezmer: Sure either or. I think we misunderstand each other. I wasn't implying that you were using secret agent code. It's just what can be gathered from the facts you gave us.
| 7 | 2 | |
1410473911 | 1410491038 | t3_2g59vz | t5_2to41 | 30 | Suszynski: TIFU by Not Locking My Door While Smoking
First post, please be gentle.
So it's 10:30 and I come home from class with a nice planned out evening of smoking up a tree and maybe a nice movie, then heading to bed early for a change. I eat a late dinner and settle in my room with a nicely packed bowl, some good music, and some ice water. I turn the fan on so that it's pulling air out and I can blow into it to avoid setting off the smoke detector.
I hit up and get my chamber all nice and milky, enjoying my music and the cool night air. One bowl later I'm feeling pretty good, life's great, music's rocking, school's amazing, and that's when my door opens and my mom enters.
"You need to turn down that music! It's late and the neighbors are probably cursing you! You're shaking this whole house up, even the skunk outside got mad and sprayed!"
First of all, it wasn't that loud, it's just that my speakers are right on the floor, so in our house the bass reverberates a little more. Usually I try to keep it down so my mom doesn't get mad.
Anyways, here I am, coming to the realization that my mom's not smelling a skunk and trying desperately to hold back a smirk that would ensure further questioning, when my mom's face gets all screwy.
"Wait... Your smoking in here!"
I can't help it, I burst out laughing and she proceeds to get exceedingly mad, telling me that I'm poisoning my brother (he's in bed) and my dog (he's in the kitchen) and asking me where I got it from, etc etc. The next 30 minutes was an interrogation, with her not realizing that my answers weren't fully... there.
Anyways, after the next morning my mom is a little more cool about it, but it's still a touchy subject.
514spacemonkey: Rule #1 of smoking inside while still living at your parents' house is: you don't.
I don't care how many tricks you have with having a fan blowing air out, setting a towel at the foot of your door, blowing smoke through a cardboard tube stuffed with dryer sheets while hanging halfway out the window, it's still really obvious and only a matter of time before you get caught as you've already experienced.
Just step outside for a few minutes and smoke there, hang out with yur ipod and stare at the moon & stars.
Maybe you live in an apartment complex, then in that case just take a walk around the block or something.
Suszynski: Will definitely do. I'm using the backyard from now on.
nhebert1987: Dude, don't even smoke near your house. You probably don't notice it because your nose gets used to the smell quickly, but you are making your backyard reek of weed. Most parents will think its a skunk (unless they know you smoke or were/are smokers.
putdownyourbong: > Most parents will think its a skunk (unless they know you smoke or were/are smokers).
So in other words, most parents will think you're smoking. Very few will probably think it's a skunk. Most adults in America/Europe have smoked weed at some point in their life (or at least know what it smells like).
Lehk: \*sniff\* \*sniff\* smells like the devil's lettuce
| 6 | 5 | |
1410472433 | 1410543297 | t3_2g57bu | t5_2to41 | 187 | grumpyguava: TIFU by picking my shower buddy while doing my time in the army.
so basically, every taiwanese male citizen has a mandatory army service of 1 year they have to serve. i spent most of my life growing up in cali, but i was still born in taiwan, so i still had to go through the whole process. (obviously, there are ways to avoid this but i love my home country, fuck me right?)
anyway, the story goes that on the first month we had boot camp. arguably the worst period of the military service cuz its where all the more-intense training happen. so when the first night rolled around, one of the sergeants that were incharge of us newbies told us that water was running out at the camp, and to tell us to pair up with someone and shower in twos. now, the first thing that pops into my head is this would be the most awkward conversation i would ever need to have in my life... like i guess some guys might think its not a big deal, especially if you are "comfortable" with your sexuality (or size?) but like, what am i supposed to do? walk up to a stranger and be like "yo, wanna shower together?" i mean, it was our first day as well so none of us knew each other.
a lot of commotion started right after the sergeant let us go off for showertimes, and i could sense a lot of eyes scanning the room for a showertimes buddy. now... my first thought here was: "hmm, lets find a guy i could potentially be good friends with and wouldn't make this super awks." but ultimately, what was really going through my head was "which one of these guys had a smaller pee pee?" (<--jokes) after some squirming around, i saw this guy who seemed pretty normal looking and didnt seem to have paired up with anyone yet so i approached him and was like..."umh. lets go shower?" hes like: "cool beans, lets go" thought to myself, that was ez enough and decided we didnt need to make this more awks than it already was.
the situation really didnt help tho, cuz the the shower stalls turned out to be friggin small. it was tight enough for one guy, let alone two. whatever, i thought. so we get into the shower stall and we both start to undress. legs kept hitting each other so i was like "yo, so is it cool if you just stand in the edge/corner while i do my thang and we can take turns?" hes like: "okie" and then he turned around to face the door while i was facing the shower. i proceeded to do typical showertimes activities.. rubbing on soap, ect. then, when i got to shampooing my hair, bubbles started getting into my eyes and despite the situation, i had my eyes closed for the time being. suddenly, i started feeling this poking sensation near my rear end, and my first thought was "hehe, is he trying to tickle me?" no not really. i turned around and there he was rock hard, poking me with his lovestick. i was like "holy shit dude, WTF BRAH?" and took my towel and stormed out of the stall.
the next day, i saw him during our training sessions but avoided eye contact. when night came around, sergeant be like "so find your shower partner from last night! one awks shower shuld break the ice between you and your partner, so they will be your shower partner for the rest of boot camp!"
my heart sank, and i slowly look up to where my partner was standing and through the midst of people shuffling around to get their showertime supplies, i could see a little smirk on his smug face.
TL;DR -- had to pick a shower buddy in boot camp. picked the worst possible person and get sexually harassed.
CopDogg: Just slap him in the dick if he try that shit again.
suckonmynine: >Just punch him in the dick and see if he tries that shit again.
nikalodean: Just suck him in the dick and see if he tries that shit again.
Mysteriouspaul: Wrap your anus around his dick and see if he tries that shit again
dancingmrt: Lovingly embrace his dick with the folds of your ass and see if he tries that shit again.
| 6 | 31.166667 | |
1410472700 | 1410558138 | t3_2g57s8 | t5_2to41 | 1,289 | MantisTobogganMDPhD: TIFU by accidentally abducting a group of children.
So I'm a high school student, and every now and again the school will randomly select kids to go down to the primary school to be "coaches" for their "sports day" teams. (This is not optional, and is basically just a "we don't have to work very much" day for teachers).
Six of us (no-one I was friends with. just my luck) were told to go down there in the morning and leave at lunch, allowing another six students to come down for the rest of the day.
We were assigned 5 kids each to chaperone. So anyway, I get there and the teacher says to these six year olds "Now remember kids it's important that you follow your team leaders *everywhere* they go". (Very poor choice of words).
Lunch time rolls around and the kids are sitting in their little group on the grass close by just waiting to be called in. Being a rather unenthusiastic individual, I was not particularly enjoying the experience and wanted to leave as soon as possible, so I just peaced out quietly without telling anyone, head phones on, swiftly out of the back gates and on my way back to school...
I was about a half a mile away before I realised they were *still* fucking following me.
It's safe to say many jimmies were rustled by the time I got them back.
I-am-War: You get caught?
MantisTobogganMDPhD: Yeah, everyone was waiting outside when we got back.
MSLB: What happened next
MantisTobogganMDPhD: Nothing really. Everyone was just really worried, and relieved when they saw it was all fine. I explained what happened and how it wasn't my fault (even though it totally was), and after some convincing they just angrily told me to go back to school. I, of course thought it was hilarious, because I'm a bad human being. Still awaiting further backlash.
Uzaka: How I personally would have handled the situation, especially if I got yelled at. "Kids, cover your ears." "Go fuck yourselves, and don't waste my time with this shit again." "FREE CANDY IN THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE KIDS!" And then I would have left.
raverriku: Oh I bet you would have you widdle toughie you!
Uzaka: Damn right I would have. Life's far more fun when you don't give a shit about being politically correct, especially with teachers and school administrators. They're fucking assholes a good 9/10
real-dreamer: What does this have to do with political correctness?
Uzaka: It's considered politically incorrect to curse out Teachers / School administrators, wether as a student or an adult. Hell it's "Wrong" to do it in general. Why?
real-dreamer: That does sound like a jerk thing to do.
| 11 | 117.181818 | |
1410476200 | 1410523304 | t3_2g5dph | t5_2to41 | 18 | lobzo: TIFU pissing next to the CFO
So I walk into the bathroom at work, and the only available urinal is next to the CFO already peeing. I unzip and begin my stream, but as we do our business, the bathroom slowly empties and it’s just us two. Per usual, I need to fart. Badly. I had a breakfast burrito first thing in the morning and a handful of sugar-free Haribo gummy bears for my mid-morning snack. I do not recommend this to anyone. Anyway, I would usually just let ‘er rip, but since it was just me and the CFO in the bathroom, I try to hold it in. The sphincter tightening leads to subsequent urethra tightening and this is quite uncomfortable. So here I am trying to sneak out this fart, but instead of releasing it stealthily, it comes out in short, bursts which causes my stream to start and stop as well. To top it off, the stench was worst than a month-old tampon that had been left inside Hitler’s vagina.
While it was happening I thought: “Maybe he didn’t hear it. Maybe he won’t smell it.” But when my sideways glance met his, the look in his eyes could only mean one thing. There was no getting out of this one.
So I guess I’m going to go pack up my things now.
itsjustmejoe: "Cindy, get me HR now! I need to fire this guy who found it acceptable to fart near me. Damn kids have no respect anymore."
Metal2theend: YES!!!!
| 3 | 6 | |
1410476741 | 1410477807 | t3_2g5en6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not thinking before I spoke
I'll keep this simple. I was in my class today and I was just having random thoughts when I remembered it was 9/11. I got up really fast and screamed "Happy 9/11 everyone!" with a huge smile on my face. To make matters worse I go to school in NYC and it turns out two peoples relatives died on 9/11. They broke down in tears and I feel like the biggest ass ever.
cherylannmarie: How old are you?
TheAppleCriesAtMidni: I'm 20 which makes me feel even stupider
Forever_Man: >stupider
It checks out
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410477412 | 1410548232 | t3_2g5fow | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by plagiarising at collage
Those typical weekend days before a major assignment is due. Saturday involves nothing but playing computer games and drinking. Sunday involves cramming what should have been 40 hours of work into an easy 50%er.
But this was different, as i have been riding the joyful demon that is 3rd year Law.
With my impending doom ahead, i knew i needed to call in assistance and what better than that friend (who isn't really your friend) who has already done the task last year. Que story and popcorn...
I proceed to alter the words around and use i would say about 40% + the basic ideas of the assignment in my own, and submit it that night by the deadline of 8am Monday morning.
With the satisfaction that is equal to that of not pulling out, i now know i have what i think is 2 weeks of freedom which involves drinking and getting hot chicks (not drinking and playing computer games lets be honest) before the stress of receiving my hopefully passed essay back.
Then the call, own the call, that fatefull call which i now dread
"[Name] come into the legal department office immediately"
As i enter i think to myself, oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit and think up 100 different excuses for 1 question im going to get
"You have been found plagiarising work and the collage will be taking immediate action, we know who you have taken the work from and she to will be getting the exact same consequences which are you will be evicted from the collage"
I laughed in response, then argued about the stress, they responded with their 0 tolerance policy, now im fucked
I am sitting as i share this stupid fucking story of my fucking stupid fucking fuck up to reddit, thinking about 1) the reaction my friend who isn't my friend and most likely wont be my friend anymore will have toward me, 2) how to explain to my parents that you plagiarised and got kicked out of collage... sorry mum
I have royally fucked up my life and i have no idea what to do and how to react, im hoping that somehow i can get an excuse together or work out what to do to get back into my collage
Goodbye reddit and goodbye any future prospects of me working in law!!! FUCKKKKKKK
TL:DR I ruined my collage career and a friend from plagerising
Sinuousity: *College
*College
*College
*College
*College
*College
yesmanthatsgood: collage?
Feedmybeast1: [College](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/College)
[Collage](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collage)
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1410475767 | 1410573161 | t3_2g5d02 | t5_2to41 | 51 | pictures_are_forever: TIFU by saving a picture from Facebook (NSFW)
This TIFU happened a few days ago, I was too embarrassed to submit it until now! Throwaway because I don't need this shit on my main account.
This whole thing started earlier this summer. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, so occasionally we send naughty pictures of ourselves to each other. Being a loving girlfriend, I saved some of the ones he sent me, but I was sneaky and hid them in a few levels of folders under Videos instead of Pictures. One night we were discussing women, and he found a few pictures of lady pornstars he thought I'd like. Saved those too, same folder.
About a week ago, my aunt and I both took a day off work and headed up north to a ranch she'd found that would take us on a guided horse ride. We had a great time, and the guide said we should check Facebook later because she'd post pictures from our ride. So a few days later, my aunt comes over. She doesn't have a Facebook so she wanted to know if I would look up the pictures for her. I find them, they're cute, and she says, "Oh, you should save that one!"
So I right-click and choose "Save As"
Now, apparently I hadn't saved any pictures from Facebook inbetween conversations with my boyfriend and today. Because instead of popping up with the Pictures folder, Windows gives my my super-secret-hidden folder to save it in. My aunt is looking over my shoulder as I'm trying to save it, and it took me about 3 excruciating seconds to realize we were both looking at five pictures of my boyfriend's erect cock and two of naked women. I panicked, clicked about five different places on the screen that all did nothing, and finally clicked out of it. Then we both sat there. She didn't say anything. And I said "...well, I guess I'll save that one, then..." and didn't move. I started moving my mouse around on my computer screen randomly, because I couldn't go in and save it until I could safely get out of that folder.
Finally she kind of walked away, and I frantically turned my computer screen so no one could see, clicked out of the folder, and saved the stupid horse photo. She hasn't mentioned it, I'm not going to mention it, all I can do is pray that she wasn't actually paying attention when I opened the folder.
TL;DR Tried to save an innocent picture from FB, accidentally showed my aunt pics of my boyfriend's penis.
InvXXVII: Windows key + D
Try it.
ZAGD: Thank you. Thank you so much.
[deleted]: windows key plus L is better because it logs you out, then you can refuse to tell them the password.
InvXXVII: That looks a little more suspicious lol.
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1410474446 | 1410490123 | t3_2g5auf | t5_2to41 | 329 | dr_smackdathoe: TIFU by telling my little brother to puke in the toilet.
My little brother (5 years old) had been feeling a little ill lately and had been having diarrhea. I heard him get up and run to the bathroom to take a shit and about a minute later he yells "Mom I think I'm gonna throw up", so I yell back "Puke in the toilet". Bad Idea. So I get up and go check on him and about that time he starts puking so he stands off the toilet and 180 hunches over the toilet and misses the toilet and pukes a little on the floor. While puking he starts to shit diarrhea all over the floor that was slowly mixing with his vomit. At this point my brother was hunched over the toilet with his knees in his own puke and is slowly shitting diarrhea down the back of his legs and the smell was so bad I cant put words on it. My mother helped him through it and had to clean up his concoction of vomit and diarrhea. I fled the house due to the lingering smell that I couldn't get away from. I love my mom now more than ever.
Tactical_Nick: [Instantly reminded me of this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlEYQyfqv8s)
InfdevMinecrafter: After 0:20 it kinda sounds like a song
| 3 | 109.666667 | |
1410478741 | 1410482056 | t3_2g5huq | t5_2to41 | 4 | BambooGamer: TIFU, by singing with headphones in my car.
2pacs: THat's illegal but funny as fuck
MurphsLaw83: I did not know that. I wear them all the time when I'm driving.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410475584 | 1410827865 | t3_2g5cp4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | pryrohead564: TIFU by getting drunk with my cousin.
Story goes one night at the cabin my cousin and I have been drinking. Heavily. I'm fucking smashed to all shit. The next morning I wake up in the grass outside and my face is in extreme pain so I look into the black screen on my phone and I have a fat lip, black eye, and a nose covered in dried blood. My cousin wakes up next and I'm like "what happened last night...?" He responded with "dude! You fucking swung at me because I wouldn't take out my pack of gum"
TL;DR- beat the shit out of my cousin because he wouldn't give me gum. (Also got the shit kicked out of me)
[deleted]: Can I get some gum? No??? *Everybody gets on the pain train*
Yeah, that's how drinking with my cousing usually goes, *mostly*.
pryrohead564: Mostly?
| 3 | 1 | |
1410479459 | 1410490593 | t3_2g5ixy | t5_2to41 | 6 | NeegeTheFeege: TIFU, by asking for my sisters netbook. (NSFW)
Tresdragones: Just big dicks and bondage? Sounds like healthy and sane sexual interests to me. Be glad it wasn't something truly traumatizing. :)
NeegeTheFeege: I know it's sane.. It's just that I know what type of porn my sister likes
| 3 | 2 | |
1410480440 | 1410498354 | t3_2g5ki5 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by saving pictures of my girlfriend on my computer.
Today, I fucked up. I am in a long term relationship with my girlfriend and over that time, she's sent me numerous "sexy" pictures and videos. Me being a dumb guy, saved them all. She knows. She's fine with it, doesn't care.
So fast forward to today. My best friend was dog sitting and I was gone. When I came back, I went on my computer and for whatever reason, probably out of curiosity, looked at the "Today" folder that shows everything that's been opened today. My heart sank. Everything. He looked through everything. Every photo, every video. Went through my Dropbox that had my vacation trip pictures to see if there were any there? Don't know. The thing is, these pictures are very well hidden so he had to go through everything to find them - but he knew exactly where they were. I guess he's done it before? I don't know what to do now. I fucked up by saving them and trusting the guy. I don't even want to know what he did after seeing them. I'm considering ending my friendship over this.
tl,dr: had saved naughty pictures, my friend saw everything
septicsmile: Did he save copies to a thumb-drive, or send them to himself via email? Seeing them is one thing, having copies is a whole new set of worries.
suspectnumber3: My biggest worry would be my wife finding out about my long term relationship with a girlfriend.
septicsmile: Certainly puts a new spin on the situation.
| 4 | 3 | |
1410480517 | 1410487107 | t3_2g5km7 | t5_2to41 | 23 | MuskOnTOR: TIFU By Letting My Uncle In My House
Background info; My uncle is homeless, & addicted to meth
I was left alone today at my house incase my package was to arrive early (a laptop.) So I was just chillin, waiting. Then I gotta phone call. I've been told time after time not to answer the phone, incase it was my uncle cameover & was trying to come inside. But I answered anyways. It was my uncle, my first immediate thought was, "fuck." So I opened the garage for him & said, "You have stay out here, gramma doesn't want you inside." He responded with, "Can I cook something up real fast?" Against my better thinking, I let him in. I went to the restroom for like 5-7 minutes.
Then the fire alarm started whaling.
I rush out into the kitchen & saw the most bizarre sight I've ever witnessed.
There's a kettle on the stove, my uncle was crying & there was fucking molten metal everywhere. There was lead on everything, including him. I was in awe. How the fuck did he manage to do this? I asked him why he did it, he replied with, "To get the gold out"
Now I have lead to remove all over my kitchen. Wtf
BigBobsBootyBarn: From my experience you can melt lead relatively easy (to make fishing weights, reload old bullet casings etc) but I've never seen it explode.
Also wtf did he think had gold in it?
MuskOnTOR: I guess he put water in it. Also, he tried smelting rocks in the lead to get gold out. Tweaker shit
bonerlizard: Maybe he's an alchemist
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1410480113 | 1410482713 | t3_2g5jxg | t5_2to41 | 5 | rdrptr: TIFU by asking a coworker if another coworker was gay. Advice and critique appreciated
Or, more accurately, yesterday I (straight 23M) fked up by asking a coworker (straight ~22F) if another coworker of ours (whom she was friends with) was gay. There were some obvious signs, he likes girl-ier music, kinda struts around in an odd way, and uses this accent or something one might attribute to a stereotypically gay person. I'm not a judgmental dude, and I'm not the type to go about assuming somebody's one thing or another just because they do a few stereotypical things.
Why did I have to know? I didn't, I was curious, and I figured if I asked her I could save myself the trouble of going through a big fuss about it. So sue me. She gives me this look, as though I'm a giant idiot, and tells me that yeah, he's super-gay, and we go about our business.
Later on we're all hanging out after work and chatting, when all of a sudden my gay coworker comes out and says, oh yeah, dude, btw I'm gay, and him and her have a little laugh about it. I give my female coworker the stink eye, apologize to him, explaining I was curious and wanted to avoid a big fuss, and that's that.
I've talked to other coworkers about it and they pretty much told me that he was trying to kid around, and I get that. I'm a little pissed that my female coworker betrayed me and crap for a quick joke, but all in all I'm not sure who's been more mature in this situation. On one hand, why do I care whether he's gay or not? On the other, why'd she have to take advantage of me like that? I thought I could trust her.
I'm probably overthinking this quite a bit, but I'd appreciate it if any of you guys or girls have any advice for how I could've gone about this in a better way. I'm just another flawed human, like you, trying to make my way in the world. Thanks for reading
Tl Dr: I stuck my nose where it didn't belong, got made fun of, and I'm wondering how I could've gone about this a better way
[deleted]: You didn't do anything wrong. No fuckup here except working for a company that employs several immature douches. (not including OP)
Forget about it.
rdrptr: Haha thanks man, that makes me feel better.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410482294 | 1410485117 | t3_2g5ng4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by pulling out my tampon too fast
I was on my first date with a guy out to dinner and toward the end, I went off to the toilet to tend to my vaginal vampire paradise.
The problem is, doing this procedure quickly while in a public bathroom is nigh-on impossible. You have to try to remove the tampon, dispose of it sanitarily, pee without touching the toilet seat and then squat to put a fresh one in with your already contaminated hands while trying to avoid your bare arse touching anything in the cubicle. As such, it takes a long bloody time which inevitably leaves the guy jumping to the worst of conclusions. Seeming like you’re in there taking a massive shit after dinner doesn’t make the greatest of first impressions and I can’t exactly say “Hey, I’m on my period so I’m just gonna go change my tampon. I’ll be quite a while. Heavy flow. Might be messy. Help yourself to my BBQ sauce.”
I had no choice but to try and get in and out of there as fast as possible without raising suspicion. I rushed in there and pulled my jeans halfway down my thighs as there was no way I was going to let them drag on the floor and went to pull at my tampon string with haste. Here’s where I fucked up, I tugged at the thing so hard that it came flying out me and swung around like a spirit pendulum in Auschwitz, slapping a probably medically abnormal amount of period blood all over the back of my jeans.
To make matters worse, the jeans I had on were a bright navy blue and so the lovely smear of dark red across them ended up looking a horrific shade of brown. And to just to add salt to the wound, in my haste to try and get out as much blood as possible before it stained, I SAT DOWN ON THE TOILET SEAT without even as much as wiping it and almost definitely contracting some kind of herpes. My pathetic attempts to remove the stain were completely in vain, I had spent enough time in the toilet to warrant a huge dump and a cocaine addiction and I was about to head out with what looked like a massive shit stain on the back of my jeans.
Luckily for me, it was pretty late and dark outside. All I had to do was make sure that he never walked behind me while we left the restaurant and then I think I was safe. I strolled out the toilet as casually as I could muster, we paid the bill and headed to the door, me making sure to trail behind.
We reached the door.
I could see freedom.
Everything was going to be OK.
He pulled open the door YES!! and stood aside NO!!
“Ladies first.”
GOD DAMMIT Why the fuck isn’t chivalry dead already!?
“Oh, thank you” I said.
I’m fucked.
There was still a chance, a tiny chance he wouldn’t notice.
I walked through the door.
“What the hell is that on your jeans?”
I panicked.
“It’s not shit!” I shouted basically to the entire restaurant.
“It’s just period blood!”
TL;DR - Went on a date with a guy, went to the bathroom and yanked out my tampon so fast that I dyed my jeans in period blood, contracted herpes and then declared this to the restaurant because it was better than seeming like I'd shit my pants.
FarFarAwayToday: Holy shit, girl, just throw some toilet paper on that seat and put your butt on it. It's really not that bad.
I hope the dude took it well, though!
THExenoch: Mythbusters did an episode on that. You're far more likely to pick up something by washing your hands in that nasty ass sink than by touching the toilet seat. That cheap pink shit isn't cleaning anything.
Use hand sanitizer. Unless, of course, your hands are covered in blood.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410482922 | 1410538469 | t3_2g5og5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Hosef91: TIFU by putting nail polish remover on a cut
But when I say cut, I'm not talking about a papercut. I put nail polish remover on the iPhone sized scrape I got on my leg because I like to slide between bases playing company kickball with non-clear footwear.
DeathAndRebirth: Why or how did you do this haha
Hosef91: I was trying to be safe by killing the bacteria and I thought nail polish remover and rubbing alcohol were the same thing
DeathAndRebirth: ahhhh ok... damn that mustve hurt
Hosef91: Definitely the worst pain I can remember.
| 5 | 1 | |
1410482574 | 1410483587 | t3_2g5nwf | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by feeling too great
So there are two things you should know about me:
1 - I have full beard, because I look 12 without it.
2 - After over a year of being lazy and completely sedentary, I recently started hitting the gym again. So here we go:
Today I was having a particularly good day because I've got some good news. So after work me and my girlfriend headed to the gym and I was feeling pretty nice and excited. We did our lifting and as soon as we got that over with I headed straight to the treadmill and went for a delicious 30 minute run, which, to me, is by far the hardest and most pleasurable part of the gym routine.
So after successfully doing that and realizing I'm slowly getting my shape back I head home feeling at the top of the world. Got home and grabbed a really cold bottle of water (that type you only appreciate when you're really tired) that I took into the shower with me because the water from the shower always makes me feel thirsty after the gym. So I'm washing my stuff and, like always, I grab the soap and rub it all over my face and beard. I wash the soap off my eyes (just my eyes) and leave the rest there for a while because everyone knows this way it kills like way more germs.
Shortly after that the thirst hits. It hits hard. I want to shoot my head up and open my mouth to drink all that delicous, cold, shower water. But that can't be good. So I have this brilliant idea instead. I'm feeling great and I have a really cold bottle of water waiting for me right there. And how do we drink water when we're feeling great after exercising hard? [Like one of those idiots on stock photos.](https://i.imgur.com/73VjOyi.jpg) So I do that. I do it just like in that picture. I literally pour the water all over my face and try to catch it with my mouth like I'm a fucking athlete. I swallow it in big culps and after about 3 seconds it hits me. Now 3 seconds drinking water is a lot of water if you're really thirsty.
Remember all that soap that was covering all of my face? I didn't. I washed it all off into my mouth and swallowed all that dirty, cheap soap water in big, pleasurable gulps. I can still taste it. So there it, that's how I fucked up today.
camischneider90: Babe, you're so stupid you're cute. Haha poor thing
sdkiko: hahaha I guess right :/
<3
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410473989 | 1410484894 | t3_2g5a1n | t5_2to41 | 10 | bluesheep123: TIFU by accidentally hitting an old lady with an umbrella
Yes, this TIFU actually happened today.
Today, I was on the bus with my blue umbrella in hand because I thought it was going to rain, but it didn't. I was standing in the front part of the bus because it is always super-crowded, which is normal were I live. Since I was in the front, I couldn't reach the "Stop Request" cord. I told the bus driver to stop at the next stop but he couldn't hear me over everyone talking and in the way. So I used my umbrella to pull the cord. I did, but with the amount of force I used I accidentally hit an old lady sitting down in the disabled/senior seating area on the top of her head. Suddenly, she starts yelling at me. I explained it was an accident but for some reason she thought I did it on purpose and everyone was staring at us. My friend in the corner was just laughing like hell. Once I heard the bus voice say "H Street" I hurried off and went to my next bus stop. And to top it all off, I left my umbrella at school.
**TL;DR:**
Tried to pull stop request cord on bus with umbrella and hit senior citizen on top of her head.
thisisridiculous93: You said you hit an old lady with your umbrella but then you said you left it at school. Im slightly confused lol
bluesheep123: On the morning bus ride I hit her.
thisisridiculous93: Ah i see. My apologies. :)
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1410478224 | 1410530181 | t3_2g5h1n | t5_2to41 | 13 | sailslayer: TIFU trying to be fancy
I just got some super fancy raspberry gelato ice cream, and I decided to take my enjoyment to a whole new level. I put the bowl and spoon in the freezer, to make the ultimate chilled experience. When I opened the door and took the bowl out, somehow it froze to the icepack I put it on and when I pulled on it the entire shelf came crashing down, sending frozen food aimed straight for my bare feet. The unforgiving frozen bombs detonated right on my toes, sending a mushroom cloud of frost up toward my face. When the carnage was over, I looked down at my ambushed toe warriors only to find that multiple toenails were already turning black. Now I'm using that icepack to mend my tarnished soldiers, and you can be sure as fuck I'm still eating that ice cream.
NoobGoneWild: I know that feel Opie bruv, hang in there
sailslayer: I'm trying to
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410484544 | 1410485768 | t3_2g5r1z | t5_2to41 | 4 | onceuponathrow: TIFU by convincing my entire school that I am a cross dresser
_Azweape_: Looking back, I think about 0.0001% of things that happened in junior high had any impact on the rest of my life. Maybe some indirect stuff, but nothing I can write home about. It was a sexless, still playing with toys because I was a fucking child, time of my life.
onceuponathrow: So your childhood means nothing to you? :(
_Azweape_: I didn't have a poor childhood, or a particular bad time, but it's not the first topic that comes up in conversation.
| 4 | 1 | |
1410475972 | 1410518748 | t3_2g5dcj | t5_2to41 | 65 | jerechox: TIFU by getting a kid made fun of for being fat.
This happened my final year of high school and I had always been known as the kid who never stops fiddling with things. So, my US History class had always been really boring. Like, excruciatingly boring. As a result, I came to the habit of messing with the screws under my desk. The desks were extremely old so the screws stuck out which made it easier to fiddle with, mind you. After slowly unscrewing the desk I sat at for a few weeks, it became really wobbly and hard to sit at, so I asked the teacher for a new seat. She agreed to find me a new seat and switched my seat with a chunky girls'. I saw her walking over to my old desk and instantly felt my stomach drop. When she plopped down on the chair the desk crunched and fell apart the class proceeded to laugh at her like the dickheads they were. They continued to call her fat and I never stepped up to explain what really happened. IM SORRY JOHANNA IF YOURE READING THIS! NO HARD FEELINGS?
Tl;dr Unscrewed desk at school, chubby girl sat at it, you can guess what happened next.
moochie94: I'm fat and in middle school we had these small-ass desks that were from the 50s or something. Anyway, on one particular day in Spanish class, for an assignment we had to get up and choose a random term out of a basket or something like that. When it was my turn to get up, I couldn't get out of the desk, so I ended up falling over/out of the desk, which fell over as well because part of me was still stuck inside of it.
blackjackthedog: Back in high school we had cheap chairs. They were just a metal frame, and the seat was covered with a thin sheet of wood. Anyway, one of my friends scratched at his all year with a pocket knife, in the shape of an X. Near the end of the year, the X is pretty deep. For some reason, during recess one day another classmate decides to stand on the chair, and of course the wood sheet snaps right along the X.
My idiot friends decide the best course of action is to tape the seat back with plain scotch tape. Once they're finished, they realize the chair now looks good at first glance but obviously it's going to break the moment you sit on it. So my friend switches his chair with the class's fat kid's chair.
Class starts, the rest of the students come in. Fat kid walks to his chair without paying attention... and it snaps the moment he sits on it. People laugh because they think his weight broke it.
But it's not over: fat kid's ass went right through the seat and is stuck between the metal frame of the chair. He doesn't even say a word or make a sound, he just waits there for something to happen, rolling his eyes around looking confused as fuck. Then he tries to get out of the chair, but he's definitely stuck and he can't remove it from around his ass.
Teacher comes in, sees the scene, and after a brief moment of "what the F- is going on?" steps in to help the kid. But the chair is very stuck and nobody can pull it off his ass.
In the end, they had to call the firemen who had to cut the chair apart to free the kid's ass.
moochie94: Damn...
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1410484627 | 1410487117 | t3_2g5r6m | t5_2to41 | 8 | RyanSaysThings: TIFU by Trying to Be Courteous to a Delivery Person
Earlier this evening, I ordered a pizza for dinner. It was a long day, the sun was setting by the time I got home, and I just didn't feel like making anything. Pizza Hut, save me!
Normally, even if it's not quite night, I turn on my porch light when I am waiting for food to be delivered, just to try to help them find the house (even though most of them probably use GPS these days). Tonight, however, it completely slipped my mind.
About half an hour or so later, my puggle started barking bloody murder at the front door, letting me know my food had arrived. As I was opening the door and could barely see the delivery woman standing right in front of me, it dawned on me that I hadn't and should turn on the light. Not wanting to blind her in the process, as I reached for the light switched, I said to her, "Close your eyes."
Almost immediately, I realized how that may have come across. *No*, I thought to myself, *why would she take it that way*? As her face became illuminated, however, it was apparent she had in fact taken it that way.
"Sorry, I just realized how creepy that probably sounded. Don't worry, I'm not planning on abducting you."
That didn't make it any better. She stood there silent, visibly uncomfortable. I smirked, recognizing the humor in the situation. She did not, and I scrambled for a way to smooth everything over.
"And I'm sorry I didn't have a surprise for you when you opened them."
Nope, that didn't work. Defeated, I sighed, muttering "Fuck it, here" while handing her the money, taking the pizza, and shutting the door.
No good deed and all.
TL;DR - I ordered a pizza, tried to be helpful, and now the delivery woman probably thinks I had planned on tying her up in my basement.
rdrptr: Man, that is awkward.
RyanSaysThings: Incredibly.
And with my personality, it's pretty easy to tell when I'm joking around, even if you don't know me.
Not this time. Not at all.
rdrptr: lol.
| 4 | 2 | |
1410489808 | 1410490460 | t3_2g5utp | t5_2to41 | 5 | Mikey_Bagadonuts: Did you just come from YouTube?
murph_diver: haha nah, just bugged me that someone would make a ridiculous story and try to get points out of it because it's 9/11... maybe i'm wrong and his story is true... i higggggghly fucking doubt it though.
Uzaka: Pics don't lie. Pics = It happened in these parts mate.
murph_diver: you've got a good point. i take it all back now haha.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410480537 | 1410491577 | t3_2g5knf | t5_2to41 | 41 | Weasel_Man: TIFU by asking a woman when her baby was due
So, right off the bat, you're thinking I'm an idiot for asking a woman when her baby was due. You *never do that,* I know, but I had not slept well the past couple of nights and I suppose my brain was not working at full capacity.
So I was on an elevator with two other people in my building. I get off on floor 41 (of 49) so I usually have to wait a while to go all the way up. In this time, it is not uncommon for awkward elevator conversation to ensue. Nothing like this.
There's a late-twenties guy that looks like he makes his own microbrews and a woman rubbing her very well rounded belly and a bandana on with long hair. I really hadn't had a good day, so I think that maybe talking to the woman would cheer me up!
I asked innocently, "When is your baby due?"
"The fuck are you talking about?"
So it was just a man with a potbelly. I don't know why I didn't notice the arm hair or his CLOTHES, but my mind just didn't register it.
Workout guy gets off the elevator at 19. He gets off at 39.
TL;DR: asked a fat man when another human was coming out of his vagina
voteforjello: NEVER EVER do you ever ask anyone that is portly when their baby is due. If she is tearing a t-shirt that says, "my uterus is swollen with child," you smile and don't ask. If (s)he was laying on the floor of the elevator fucking crowning and you see a head still never in the history of evers do you ask that question.
But in this case you asked a man…how the hell do you even manage that?
Weasel_Man: I will be asking myself for the rest of my life.
| 3 | 13.666667 |
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