start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1410487396 | 1410545589 | t3_2g5vky | t5_2to41 | 5 | oblom07: TIFU by being honest at work.
The story begins about a week back. I work at this Chinese fast food place. It's kind of like a buffet, but instead of customers grabbing their food themselves, it sits behind a glass case where they point to the food, and we put it on a plate for them.
Anyways, it was a pretty slow day, and the day before, we introduced this new ice tea. Instead of having it arrive to our store in big packages, we make it on the spot. The managers told us to try our best to sell as much as we can so it can gain popularity. To do that, we give out samples of the tea.
So this lady (about 5'8, on the heavier side) walks in, and starts ordering. Before I ring her up on the cash register, I give her a sample of the tea. She takes a small sip, then makes a face of disgust as if I just served her acid, and tosses the cup in the trash. Seeing this made me a little annoyed, and being the honest guy that I am, I tell her: "I don't mean to offend you, but we work hard to make this tea, and what you did there was kind of rude." She doesn't say anything as the look of guild and shame takes her face. She doesn't make eye contact, and leaves the place.
Fast forward to today. I come in to work (I haven't been scheduled since then because I asked for shorter hours because school started). As I'm about to put on my apron and clock in, the manager says she wants to talk to me in the back. Puzzled by what this could possibly be about, I walk in the back to her little office space to see a piece of paper on her desk with a lengthy letter of complain from the customer a week back. I think I'm going to get off with a verbal warning, maybe a few harsh words, and get to work. I was wrong. The manager basically tells me the owner of the place will not tolerate this kind of behavior, and they'll have to fire me.
I feel tears start to come to my eyes as I turn around and take the walk of shame back to my bike sitting outside. The whole ride home, I was sad, and angry at myself, and the customer. Dear Reddit... Today, I fucked up.
Gayrub: If you were just being honest then so was she. She didn't like the tea.
But I don't think honest is the right word. It wouldn't have been dishonest for her to not make a face that showed how much she didn't like it. It would have been polite of her to keep that to herself. Likewise, it wouldn't have been dishonest for you not to scold her for the rude face she made. It would have been polite for you to not shame her.
I think in a perfect world we'd all be cool with it if she expressed her opinion about the tea that you worked so hard on and she would accept your criticism but the human race isn't there yet. We're still too sensitive or insecure. I'm sorry that she got to you. I'm also sorry that you got to her.
That said, she completely over reacted. Yours was a small infraction, definitely not worth getting someone fired for. As someone that has worked in retail, I absolutely hate the culture of "the customer is always right." There is nothing special about being a consumer. It doesn't give you any special powers. Small people let it go to their heads. They think that their money buys them more than lunch. This woman thought it bought her power over another human being. She is sick and I feel sorry for her.
I hope you find a better job with a better boss. One that's more level headed and logical, one that knows a frivolous complaint when they see it.
[deleted]: >That said, she completely over reacted
I disagree. OP basically said she was rude for having taste buds. She's MORE than entitled to dislike something and to toss it. I'm honestly not one to complain, I'm really not, but if someone told me that, yeah I'd go to their manager and you bet I'd complain. Don't tell me I'm rude because I don't like something.
Sometimes a 'face of disgust' is involuntary, I know mine are. My lips pierce, my nose screws up, I can't help it, if I eat or drink something I don't like I make a face. I'm not rude because of that.
Gayrub: I'm not saying he wasn't wrong. I think he was being rude but just be a person and say your piece to them. There's no need to get them fired.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410489110 | 1410491127 | t3_2g5y7r | t5_2to41 | 3 | randomnessiswow: TIFU By mistaking a friend's trip home for fun
So this is my first epic fuck up. God save us.
So I have a friend who's going to college about 12 hours away in North Dakota, but we keep in touch via text. Recently, we've stopped texting and I was worried I had screwed up.
So when she texts me today and is keeping the conversation going, I'm absolutely ecstatic. At one point, she says she's going home for the weekend. So naturally I wish her a good time, with the text, "I bet you'll have fun back there!".
No texts for about ten minutes, at which point she reveals to me her mom has breast cancer and she's getting a double mastecomy this coming week.
It's been about 20 minutes with no reply.
TL;DR - Over enthusiastically texted a friend to find out that her mom has breast cancer. Fuck.
EDIT: As brought up by u/BanThisFaggots, I did actually text her back with my sympathies, and we're texting again :D
[deleted]: Text her back with your sympathies.
randomnessiswow: Yeah, I should've said that I did in the post, but it just happened and I had a bit of shell shock.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410487786 | 1410661416 | t3_2g5w6p | t5_2to41 | 5 | angerilla: TIFU by making small talk with a stranger
So this took place last year. I was in the clothing section at one of those megastores, and this girl kept occasionally making eye contact with me. It became clear that she had some kind of mental disability, but I wasn't really thinking about it or paying much attention.
Eventually, we were looking at some clothes on opposite sides of the same rack. She looked at me again, and then told me I looked familiar. She said, "Do I know you from somewhere?"
I thought seriously about it for a second, knowing that she didn't look familiar, but trying to figure out if maybe I had met her somewhere. Then I said it. "Do you get your eyes checked?"
She looked hurt for a moment, then looked down, said "I'm sorry, I..." and then she started walking away from me, looking incredibly embarrassed. I was confused at her reaction at first, and then I realized what I must have sounded like. I awkwardly called out to her, "I work at an eye doctor's office! That's why I..." but she was already gone, and people were looking at me funny. She must have thought I was saying something like "WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR EYES CHECKED."
Every time I think about it I do one of those inside-cringes, where I want to punch myself in the face.
TLDR - accidentally insulted/hurt a mentally challenged person because I thought maybe I knew her from work.
azraels_ghost: Never speak to strangers!
angerilla: never again
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410487714 | 1410500193 | t3_2g5w2v | t5_2to41 | 14 | bkpriest: TIFU by making breakfast burritos. (NSFW)
My girlfriend and I decided it would be very convenient to make breakfast burritos in advance to avoid making breakfast every day (dat meal prep doe). I thought some jalapenos would be just the thing to spice up these otherwise bland burritos. I must have chopped about five to six of them, my hands absorbing all of that delicious capsaicin. I knew it was risky, but I washed my hands like 4 times and I can handle a little burn, right?
So fast forward to an hour and a heap of burritos later, and me and the gf are ready to get down to some sexy times. That's right, you see where this is going? She warned me, "Don't touch me anywhere that would hurt if I had a jalapeno shoved up in it." "Of course I won't!" and then success! But wait... in the heat of the moment (pun intended), as I felt myself about to climax I pulled out and finished myself off. Within a few seconds, I felt a burning sensation that only grew in intensity. I did the only thing that made sense at the time and rapidly plunged my penis into a glass of milk.
Now, as I write this, I am sitting with a bag of ice on my lap, lamenting my misfortune.
TL;DR: Jalapenos + Sex = :(
cerbaroo: PSA:
The pull out method isn't a good idea, and it sounds like that's what you're doing. I knew several girls from my highschool who got pregnant doing that. Abortions, drama, babies, you don't need that.
bkpriest: Don't worry, I'm a pro at making babies.
the_arkane_one: To be fair its not all that difficult, I mean you just put your pee pee inside the girls hoo hah and pee inside her right ?
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1410489486 | 1410508816 | t3_2g5ytb | t5_2to41 | 23 | SpilledMySecret: TIFU by accidentally spilling my cum jug onto the carpet when I tried to move it.
For the past 2 years or so I have ejaculated into a plastic 2 quart jug almost every time I have masturbated. It's one of those jugs designed for iced tea or whatever.
I live in an apartment with 3 other roommates. In addition to the regular kitchen fridge, in my own bedroom I have a little mini fridge. I keep my semen jar in there, concealed in a grocery bag.
Well, the other afternoon I learn one of my roommates is throwing a party, and they ask if there is room in my fridge to store some extra beer. I didn't really think about it so I said yeah, sure.
It was a few minutes later I became horrified by realizing if they went in my fridge the would see my semen jar. It'd be in the bag but they could potentially move it, maybe see what is in the bag, maybe see the jug itself.
I knew I had to move it. And soon. They were literally out for the beer right then. I knew I couldn't just toss it anywhere though, I had to keep the jug safe for at least the duration of this party. In a hurry, I grabbed a cooler, filled it about half way with ice and put this in the back seat of my car.
My plan was to make an excuse to ditch the party, and then I'd just drive somewhere to a parking lot and sit there with the AC running. Keep it cool. Protect the jug.
I ran back into the apartment to grab the jug itself, and as I left my bedroom my roommates were back in the living room with their beer. I was so panic-stricken and astounded that I shouted and dropped the jug. I tried to catch it but I fumbled like a clumsy bitch and I missed it completely.
The lid burst off and the semen spilled out all over the carpet. I have never been so overcome with horror and shame in my entire life. My brain was not even functioning properly.
I can not even recall what or if they said anything but their facial expressions of confusion and revulsion are stamped on my mind. I see their faces when I close my eyes. After a moment I mumbled some sort of apology and ran out of the apartment.
I have my phone turned off and I have not been back since. I am waiting until they are all at work tomorrow and I'm going to grab my stuff, leave some cash to cover rent/bills for September, and get the hell out of there.
It sounds like a silly incident but I find it very traumatizing. I have horrifically shamed myself, my friends probably consider me a lunatic, my reputation is likely shattered irreparably, and to be perfectly honest that jug was something I'd been working on for over 2 years and the thought of it going to waste before it was full really depresses me.
So shit indeed, I did fuck up. Maybe I just shouldn't have done the jug thing to begin with. Hindsight. Whatever. Oh brother.
bri12kst: Your reason for keeping it in a jug for two years is????
SpilledMySecret: Mostly, I saw it as an impressive goal. I thought it would be a meaningful personal accomplishment to fill an entire jug with my semen. I wasn't going to show anybody the jug or brag about it, or do anything at all with it really. I was just going to keep it. A memento, a "trophy", sort of thing. Odd but harmless.
postingthings: Admit it! Once it was full you were gonna chug that sucker, weren't you? Filling yourself with your own discarded essence to gain its power back on top of what you've regenerated. You trying to become a wizard or something?
SpilledMySecret: I have fantasized about pouring it on myself, but I know I'd never do it, simply because I don't think a few moments of sensuality are worth wasting two years of effort. The jug itself is more valuable that any potential physical sensation. I would **NOT** have used the contents of the jug. Can you understand?
nazgarn: You could have drank it? Dip your cookies into it? Bit of a waste mate.
SpilledMySecret: What is this? Why would I drink it or use it for consumption at all???
nazgarn: Gains bro.
SpilledMySecret: Gains? Gains what? I am sorry but I am driven senseless by not understanding what you mean. Can you explain!?
nazgarn: Apparently cum contains protein which is helpful when one works out to gain muscle.
SpilledMySecret: You bitch. You mock at me?
nazgarn: I would never mock a fellow human being, friend. Was jokes is all.
| 12 | 1.916667 | |
1410489677 | 1410491133 | t3_2g5z3s | t5_2to41 | 7 | InfdevMinecrafter: TIFU by being a spoiled little fucking idiot 3rd grader and remembering
I'm 15, let's rewind all the way back to 3rd grade... or 4th or something i dunno
____ ___ ___ _____
|___ \ / _ \ / _ \___ |
__) | | | | | | | / /
/ __/| |_| | |_| |/ /
|_____|\___/ \___//_/
(2007) (yeah, sorry...)
I was fucking around with my friends in D.C. We we trolling, strolling, usual idiot shit.
My friend's like: Hey, have some twizzlers if you punch that principal.
I'm like: "oh feck yeh!"
I walk up, punch him, and I'm caught.
I immediately am talked out and walk around in shame, laughing.
I realized today, while browsing /r/rage seeing some 5th graders punching an old lady.
I realized how much of an asshole I was that day and I was probably viewed that day as "another spoiled asshole city kid"
I feel really bad now, considering I'm a considerate, nice person who feels good to do a random act of kindness. Now now now, my days behind that weren't spoiled kid stealing candy and getting Fs, I was honor roll and A student, best in class.
I'm still not sure as of today why I assaulted a respected figure.
twcsata: Fantastic that you developed self-awareness, remorse, and a conscience, but are you even old enough to be on Reddit? O.o
InfdevMinecrafter: I had that before the incident, just that one day.
From post:
----------------------------------------------
> Now now now, my days behind that weren't spoiled kid stealing candy and getting Fs, I was honor roll and A student, best in class.
> I realized how much of an asshole I was that day and I was probably viewed that day as "another spoiled asshole city kid
I don't mean to be a smart ass, I just don't want to look fake.
twcsata: No offense taken. I think I'm just feeling old at the moment, lol.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410490105 | 1410655507 | t3_2g5zs7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | scarlcarl: TIFU by not being Fran.
****sees random local number calling****
****picks up call****
****10 sec of dead silence; me waiting for them to say something****
> **Me**: "H... Hello?"
>
> **Them** *(in a stuffy nosed voice with a massive lisp that could sound like a guy or a girl)* : "I'm calling Fran."
>
> **Me**: "Uh.... who is this?"
>
> **Fran's asexual hooker** *(for all I know)* : "I'm calling Fran."
>
> **Me**: "Uh.... you're calling..... Fran.....?"
>
> **Fran's asexual hooker portrayed as a one-dialogue-option video game character** : "I'm calling Fran."
>
> **Tripped-the-fuck-out version of ScarlCarl**: "i don't believe that y-"
>
> **Fran's asexual hooker portrayed as a one-dialogue-option video game character that possesses a level of intelligence equal to when Rain Man burns his waffles**: "I'm calling Fran."
>
> **Dumbfounded ScarlCarl**: "I don't believe you're calling Fran."
>
> **Fran's asexual hooker portrayed as a** ***TWO*****-dialogue-option video game character that possesses a level of intelligence equal to when Rain Man burns his waffles**: "I'm calling Fran."
>
> ****sniffle****
>
> "But you're not Fran."
>
> ****line goes dead****
Sma144: If you're the one answering the phone, you're the one who should speak first
n9-00: No, you wait for them to speak first so you can decide whether you want to talk to them, or wait for them to hang up
Sma144: Maybe if you were raised in a barn
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410543195 | 1410570654 | t3_2g6072 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: I would argue that dousing your rotten junk in isopropyl alcohol is much more commando (think along the lines of setting your own compound fracture).
refuse_human: But setting your own compound fracture would actually help you - the rubbing alcohol dried out my skin...
... which somehow enabled the ringworm to start **really** taking over. We're talking "leprosy?" levels of devastation.
Run an image search for [ringworm](https://www.google.com/search?q=ringworm&oq=ringworm) and turn off SafeSearch to get an idea - not for the faint of heart.
For anyone in a similar position: go to the drugstore. Find antifungal/jock itch/etc cream. You already knew that, but there you go - you're welcome.
[deleted]: I would have to suggest that the intent in both instances is the same..fix problem. The execution is where it gets messy.
I imagine that your junk looked like a polka-dotted barber pole by the time you were done with it.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410490440 | 1410493537 | t3_2g60c1 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing laundry.
My wife and I rounded up all the clothes for laundry and had quite a huge basket of dirty clothes. We're lazy as fuck so we tossed everything in the washer, as it is one of the newer model washers that can handle a load like a street corner hooker.
She pushes the start button and we here a bit of clunking around - but we look at each other and say "eh, fuck it. it's a lot of clothes" and carry on with our business.
An hour later, I go back in the wash room to put the clothes in the dryer. Holy fucking shit. There's white fuzz everywhere. Every piece of clothing is covered in white shredded pulverized...paper. The fuck? *We washed a god damn BOOK!* Well when my shit-for-brains wife was rounding up clothes in the bathroom, she put our poop reading book (a big fucking book) in the damn laundry basket. Who fucking does that?
"It'll all come out in the dryer", we think. How much more stupid can we get? seriously...this happened.
We throw all those clothes in the dryer and push start on a 20 minute cycle. After 20 minutes, I go back in and open the dryer and son of a bitch the lint trap is full of pulverized wads of paper. I pulled the lint trap out to clean it and it's so full that MOST of it falls down into where the trap was and I say fuck it, I'm gonna start this bitch up without the lint trap to clear it out of there. I'm that damn stupid.
I go out side to where the dryer air exits the house and there's fucking "snow". everywhere. I'm beyond irritated so I walk back inside to turn the dryer off and I open it up and I smell smoke. Fuck. My. Life. The dryer won't run any more when I start it. I'm pretty sure it's clogged up, even after we've vacuumed a lot of it out.
TL;DR: Wife and I did laundry. Washed a book. Pulverized paper clogged and likely killed our dryer.
lickastick: I'm trying to appreciate this TIFU, but I'm just irritated that you are blaming this on your wife, calling her "shit-for-brains", even though you *both* ignored the clunking sound and *you* decided it would be good idea to take lint dryer out?
[deleted]: I said "I'm that damn stupid".
We both fucked this one up.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410490231 | 1410527068 | t3_2g5zzv | t5_2to41 | 177 | sbrelvi: TIFU by taking a nap
I had just come home from school and I wanted to to take a nap. So I did and woke up 4 hours later. I had left my contacts in leaving my eyes extremely dry. I went to go grab my eyedrops to put them in my eyes. Except, it wasn't eyedrops. It was a small bottle of hand sanitizer. I immediately screamed and ran to the bathroom because my eyes were burning hotter than satan's asshole. My eye's are still in pain.
TL;DR: Don't keep hand sanitizer next to your eyedrops.
Omaigord: My eyes watered from reading this
sbrelvi: My penis shriveled whilst experiencing this.
NefastVoltaire: Well at least ya didn't lose much, right OP? :D
sbrelvi: My eyesight for a bit.
steelbubble: He didn't see what you did there
girlsgonedead: Because eyes
| 7 | 25.285714 | |
1410491625 | 1410493556 | t3_2g622f | t5_2to41 | 6 | renegadeforks_: TIFU by smoking on my balcony.
Occasionally I enjoy myself a black and mild. Super tasty. Really bad for me guilty pleasure.
Well I'm out smoking and I notice a weird smell I can't really place. I don't think anything of it and about 10 or so minutes later I flick the cherry off into the rocks below my apartment.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there's a fire. The sound alone almost made me Shit my pants. Then I look down to see these giant goddammed flames coming at me like herpes at a frat party. They're high enough to burn the hair on my toes. I run down and see that the brush and bushes are burning to hell and I Shit my pants again.
With my sagging drawers I run to the office while calling 911. I tell 911 what's up and they say they're sending a truck. I get to the office, panting and smelling like Shit and ask for a fire extinguisher.
Maintenance man runs ahead of me with extinguisher to put out the flames. He starts with the trees to keep them from burning the apartments down and I run to get a bucket and some water.
20 minutes later and the fire is out. But not before a firetruck two cops and an ambulance are all there sirens blaring. The smoldering side of the building was staring at me when the cops asked me what happened. I told them. And they think I set fire to the brush by being negligent.
They start writing me a ticket for being a dumb ass but the firemen are like this was accelerant based flames. So now I'm being questioned for arson.
I still have no fucking idea what happened but I'm waiting to hear from my lawyer as to what I can do about it. FML
Tl; Dr. Shit my pants and set fire to my apartment building. Thanks Obama.
Imperator_Gallo: Who would start a fire then call it on themself.
renegadeforks_: I don't even know man. I'm still in the Wtf state.
Imperator_Gallo: I doubt the arson charge will stand
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410494467 | 1410496090 | t3_2g6633 | t5_2to41 | 3 | OhWell0: TIFU by talking to the shy girl in my class
TheGwolo: this guy is a fuck up.
mobius_striping_inc: And he should fuck off.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410494646 | 1412461282 | t3_2g66ct | t5_2to41 | 29 | drifter15: TIFU by making a bet (Pt. 2)
I argued against this, but after seeing the pics from the mall incident, I crumbled like a cookie. Here is part 2 of the original and following the old rules: MINIMAL PICS, NO EATING OF ANYTHING DEEMED DISGUSTING OR POTENTIALLY HARMFUL (ALL DECISIONS ON WHETHER OR NOT THE TO BE EATEN ITEM IS DISGUSTING OR HARMFUL WILL BE LEFT WITH PAUL) ANYTHING IS DISGUST, MINIMAL PUBLIC NUDITY, NO DANGEROUS SITUATIONS!
Currently stuck in the office. The amount of stuff I can do is small, I am however coming up on vacation next weekend. The amount of stuff I can do is more then. Paul wanted me to let you know.
Paul here, drifter15 (aka diaper boy) pulled an all nighter last night so that he can "enjoy" the remainder of his weekend. He should be up by noon and yes he is and has been wearing a diaper since he got back to our apartment Friday night. As his punishment for skipping out on Saturday regardless of what was going on and posting that last update without approval first, he has to do whatever you guys can come up with Monday and Tuesday (only rules are no pics and no eating (drinking is allowed to include urine) and Wednesday thru Sunday will proceed using the original rules and will run like normal. This will be his last time doing this before the bet is concluded and all copies of those mall pics are erased (No the mall pics will not be put up, his face is exposed along with several tattoos).
Ruff_Dog: Awh, no pics.
drifter15: Changed it at the request of Paul...
Ruff_Dog: Yes! Pics. Now, I need to come up with something embarrassing.
drifter15: Mind you the pics will not show my true identity or anything above the mid-torso
Ruff_Dog: True, true. But yayy.
drifter15: Paul said he liked what you did last time and noticed you did not post anything this time. Did you choose not to or did something happen to prevent you from posting?
Ruff_Dog: I haven't been on too much. RL issues. So I didn't get chance to post..
drifter15: Paul here, I told the baby boy to post the loophole but he decided not to. As long as a break is given daily, the task can go on for a week long
Ruff_Dog: The loophole?
drifter15: Second half of last post
Ruff_Dog: Gotcha. How long is the break? What does it entail?
drifter15: Paul here, if you are going to have the baby do anything, it has to be up by the end of this weekend...
Ruff_Dog: Alright. I'll try and think of.. something.
drifter15: Whatever you want goes, provided it does not violate the rules. If you want the baby to shit himself and wear his soiled diaper as a facemask, it will happen. Nothing is too disgusting...
Ruff_Dog: > If you want the baby to shit himself and wear his soiled diaper as a facemask, it will happen
Yes. Make it happen.
Would a picture of that be okay, too?
drifter15: Anything else you want the baby to do? How long should the facemask be on?
Ruff_Dog: How long can it be on for?
drifter15: That is up to you
Ruff_Dog: Hours.
drifter15: Something 30 minutes and less can be done now...
Ruff_Dog: 30 minutes, then.
drifter15: Is there anything you want the baby to do after he gets off of work today?
Ruff_Dog: Yes. Wear solely the diaper and walk down the street.
drifter15: How far? Is there anything else?
Ruff_Dog: For miles. Go ring every doorbell along the way. And not that I can think of.
drifter15: He did the walk, it was 6 miles and he did it with a diaper full of shit and piss...
Ruff_Dog: Nice, nice.
drifter15: It was kind of funny...
| 29 | 1 | |
1410495706 | 1410497920 | t3_2g67qv | t5_2to41 | 17 | jsnoogs: TIFU by pulling over for a cigarette
This happened a few years ago.
I had just dropped off some friends after hanging out at another friend's house. It was around 2am and I decided I wanted to smoke a cigarette before I went home. I was in my mom's car, you see, and couldn't simply smoke it on the drive home. No biggy, though, I always pull over on random side streets for a quick cig-and-walk.
I found what looked like a nice spot, parked, and lit up outside of the car. Standing still didn't sound too appealing, and neither did pacing around the car, so I scouted for a spot to sit. Lucky me, I noticed that I had parked alongside a perfect hill for a comfy bumrest. I strolled over and picked what looked like a nice grassy patch and sat myself down, all the while enjoying the tobacco smoke and fresh air. It was summer, and I was feeling good.
About half a minute after sitting down, I started to feel an itch on my arm. No, it was an itch on my ass. Holy shit, they were both starting to itch like crazy, and the feeling was spreading up my torso and down my legs. I whipped out my phone to shine a light on myself. While I looked for the flashlight app, the itch was becoming a bit more on the pain side of the spectrum, and I was starting to become frantic. Standing, I shone the light on myself, and found **ANTS! HOLY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SUPERSTAR I WAS COVERED IN ANTS!!!** With a manly yelp, I jumped up and ran to the car for a better light source. I swiped, my friends. I swiped and swiped and they never seemed to end. They were the little buggers, but put about 50 of em on your body and they will make you their bitch. After finding what I thought was most of them, I sat inside the car, loving the feel of cold, dead leather on my bum. That itch just wouldn't go away, though, and I soon found out why.
After inspecting my body some more from the safety of my vehicle, I started to look at my clothes. Inside the shorts leg? No. Inside my shirt? **Yes.** There were about 25 of the fuckers latched to the inside of my shirt where the belly is. I repeat: They were *latched* on with their little shit-pinching incisors and NOT COMING OFF! So I released another testosterone-fueled squeal and ripped off my shirt with a speed I've never demonstrated before. Seeing as I had no flamethrower and only a mere bic lighter, I decided to just leave the shirt there.
And that's how I fucked up and lost my shirt.
TL;DR Sat on some grass at night to smoke a cig. Didn't see the ant hill (you know, because of darkness) and ended up covered in the fuckers. Ended up losing a good shirt that night.
jsnoogs: Not the biggest fuckup, but I liked that shirt.
[deleted]: I feel ya, I liked that shirt too OP.
jsnoogs: It was yellow. The only one I owned of that color.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1410495773 | 1410499228 | t3_2g67u0 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By accepting free coffee at
I work security at a collage and have always been nice and courteous to the staff and students. Occasionally the staff that I am friendly with are really sweet and drop off things like coffee and treats on stressful days.
Today one of the staff members came by my kiosk with a black coffee for my coworker (I'll call him Gomer) and an iced cap for me. Since Gomer was out on patrol and I was working the kiosk, the staff member asked me to let Gomer know that it was from him to Gomer.
About ten minutes after the staff member left, Gomer arrives as I finish my iced cap. I let him know that the staff member had dropped off a coffee for him. Gomer goes on to tell me that he had just finished a coffee and would not be able to drink the one that he was given. Gomer told me that I was welcome to it so it wouldn't be wasted.
So, like an over caffeinated squirrel I guzzled the coffee, contented to have gotten not one, but two free coffees.
Big mistake! It was my turn to patrol the collage. Not so bad. I stopped by the staff members office to say thank you and to explain that Gomer has given me his coffee. The poor guy looked like he was about to cry.
He told me that Gomer had given him a ticket the other day, and in retaliation, he had spiked Gomers coffee with exlax.
I thought he was joking until a few minutes ago.
I felt the rumbling. Then I heard the churning. I've been sitting here in the loo giving birth to a liquid baby since then. It won't stop, and I'm writing this while my sphincter spasms in pain as I let loose a torrential rain of doom into what was once a pristine white bowl.
TLDR:
Was given free coffee laced with exlax meant for a duchey colleague. Now I am shitting out my innards.
*EDIT*
Finally finished violating the porcelain God. I feel so bad for the cleaning woman. She's been waiting for almost half an hour to clean in here. Too bad I didn't have any poo-pourri.
Kokemon: Maybe you should go take a shit on his desk.
[deleted]: I'm not like Gomer. One time he got so pissed off at a student, he whipped it out and pissed on the kids car.
Kokemon: [That's distasteful](http://media.giphy.com/media/KLMmqAB5UbEHK/giphy.gif)
[deleted]: Yes. Quite so. If it weren't for the fact that I am suffering from the backlash of his duchebaggery, I'd find this to be suitably ironic.
| 5 | 2 | |
1410497524 | 1410535621 | t3_2g6a1o | t5_2to41 | 6 | Ilikedogs29: TIFU by almost shooting my dog
My boyfriend is out of town and I am uncomfortable being alone in our house so I have a 9mm. I leave the 9mm unloaded but in case of emergency I have the bullets right next too it. Well I'm sitting here watching tv in our bedroom with the door closed and all of a sudden I hear a crash....I load up the gun, cock it and I'm ready just in case....turns out the puppy we got a couple weeks ago escaped from his crate and the whole crate toppled over... luckily I left a light on and saw him before doing anything...
TL;DR thought someone broke in, was dog, almost shot dog
Also to my boyfriend if you see this.....sorry!
Kokemon: Um...maybe you should put the gun down?
Ilikedogs29: Did. Lol. I wasn't expecting it to be my dog because both of them are in crates... until older.... Since we live in a state with high crime I just assumed..... I TOLD MY BOYFRIEND I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS GUN TOO lol. from now I'm sticking with my taser.
ThisTooShallPass14: Wow, when you're not comfortable with something so dangerous and unforgiving as a firearm don't agree just to make someone happy.
Ilikedogs29: I'm comfortable with smaller caliber weapons, the 9mm I've only shot twice and I don't have the 22 or .380 I am comfortable with yet.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1410489999 | 1410583673 | t3_2g5zmb | t5_2to41 | 8 | TheFightGoes0n: TIFU by playing a YouTube video to connect w/my wife instead of just the song.
Okay, so, here it goes. My wife and I are crazy busy. I travel for a living while she works locally and runs the house. We don't see each other as often as we'd like and I found myself profoundly missing her.
So, I was home and thinking about making her a playlist from back in our day when love was unstoppable. I had it all planned out. I was going to play the song, pour my heart out and tell her all the things that we love about one another and then the night would fall into place. Call it whimsy, but we really needed some time away from the grind, away from the kids, and just to get back to each other.
So, of all the songs, I choose Tesla's "Love Song."
The song is a pretty classic late 80's tune that talks about how "love it gonna find a way" cheesy as it is, it just fit right for the moment.
Instead of queuing up the Ipod, my dumb ass decided to play the video and let it play in the background. So, what was supposed to be an intense moment of passion with a fitting song in the background became an eyeballs glued to the screen/watching a Lily Tomlin looking man in bad 80's fashion sashay across the stage.
Well, we had a good laugh at least.
...the final thing that I can say is, while I remember the headbands, mullets, and scarfs from the 80's, I don't ever remember [footprint pants](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2q_-xN2N54&list=RDl2q_-xN2N54) taking off.
Kokemon: How did you fuck up if you made your wife genuinely laugh?
TheFightGoes0n: We were aiming for for a different vibe. It was okay but not the mood we had hoped for.
Kokemon: Ahhhh okay! Thank you for replying. I hope you have more chances in the future!
TheFightGoes0n: Laughter is always good but we were in an intense place and were building up...you know?
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410493245 | 1410554171 | t3_2g64d1 | t5_2to41 | 62 | CoorsIsColdest: TIFU by nearly getting my dad arrested for child pornography
This happened in mid 90's lets say 1995 approx. I was 11 i think pretty smart with tech but not very street smart. My
Parents had AOL and i was using it for internet and the chat rooms. Being 11
i figured out that there were hidden chat rooms if you allready new
the name like "sexpics" or whatever similar to reddits r/ system but they were not searchable and no hyperlinks (i was young so probably there was a way) you kinda had to guess.
Anyway in these chatrooms people would send and recieve pictures through pm kind like share 1 picture and everyone would add you to the list and you would get their pics also.
This was very exciting for a 11 yo boy and
I remeber seeing a lot of things my mind wasnt quite ready for
And i started showing some of the pics
To my friends.
I remember arguing with one of them whether the white stuff in some
of the pics was pee or water.
Anyway my friends and I really liked this one picture of this cute
Blond girl since she looked closer to our age maybe 16 or 17 yo. I found out that the term people were using for the you ger girls was "preteen" which made sense to me as I also wasnt a teenager yet.
Sure enough AOL had a "hidden" chatroom called "preteensexpics" or something similar and soon enough i was sharing there so that i could get more pics of girls my age.
A couple weeks later i come home
from school and my dad is on the phone and he looks extremely alarmed he asks me what i have been using AOL for and i say just chat rooms .
He says "have you sent any files?"
At first i wanted to lie and i almost did but i was a good kid
so i turned bright red and said "um yes."
"Of what ? Tell the man on the phone"
"Um... A naked person" i said. i was so embarressed i could hardly say the words.
Next thing i know my dad and the man on the phone are laughing together. He told me later that the man was from the fbi and that they thought he was sharing pictures of underage girls and that i could never ever do that again.
omnichronkappa: I guess the T in "TIFU" is supposed to mean "twenty years ago"?
happyoldhag: > All titles must start with "TIFU". However, your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today.
The TIFU doesn't have to be for the same day. :)
[deleted]: then by definition, its not TIFU.
BrendanBeckmann: /r/TYAIFU isn't nearly as catchy.
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1410498620 | 1410548674 | t3_2g6bea | t5_2to41 | 9 | yoloswek: TIFU by cooking for a girl and using expired cheese
It didn't happen today but a few weeks ago. And I know people don't like the sex stuff on here, but I think this is a pretty bad fackup.
Okay. I met this girl 3 years ago. And I fell in love, she was with a guy and she just was out of my league. The guy was pretty jealous and we stopped talking. And a few months ago, she started talking again. She was single now. We started to bond again and some feelings came back.
She came over for dinner and I promised to make her lasagna. But I used expired cheese because I didnt checked the date. This is important for later. Eventually I dare her to shower with me while my parents where on a vacation. And we shower in our underwear and after a few minutes we kiss and it is looking good for me. Finally I will have the girl. The girl that I dream about for 3 years already.
But then, my belly starts to hurt from the cheese. So I say: "sorry. I need to go to the toilet." And she answers: "well, you can pee here. I will stand on the otherside of the shower." I: "but I dont have to pee" and she just says my name in disgust in a funny way. So I walk/run downstairs and when I touched the toilet. My body just explodes. I think my whole street heared me shit, and the girl of my dreams couldnt have not heared me. But it was not a few seconds. No it was a shitruption that took like 10 minutes. Afterwards, I walk upstairs and she askes me: "diarrhea?". So I nod and then we agreed to stop showering and I bring her to her train. Afterwards, she texted me that if stayed in the shower with her, sexytime was a 100% guarantee. But it still didn't happen.
Tl;dr showered with the girl of my dreams but my anus started a shitnado so not much happened.
dmccracken: Not a FU just a disappointment. Shouldve squeezed those cheeks
yoloswek: Well. If I looked at the date of the cheese, sexytime would have happened...
dmccracken: True... but you didnt... so now. No sexytime for you my friend
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410500019 | 1410501296 | t3_2g6d0e | t5_2to41 | 6 | fuzzyfuckinwuzzies: TIFU by staying after class to ask my professor a question.
nazgarn: I don't understand what happened but it sounds embarrassing.
fuzzyfuckinwuzzies: I asked a question to my professor after class, and instead was grilled about my attendance in front of my classmates. Teacher then threatened to drop me if I didn't start showing up. Never did find out about my actual question. Left because I was too embarrassed.
nazgarn: Awe that's no fun. :(
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410500670 | 1410501832 | t3_2g6dr6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my co-worker I'm gay.
So this just happened a couple hours ago.
I'm male. 22 years old. Straight.
Tonight I went out with a couple co-workers (guys and girls) out to a bar. So we're shooting the shit, talking about life, work, and whatever, when another co-worker, a late comer, shows up. He sits down and asks what are we talking about. I enjoy messing with people, so I point to the bar area and say, "we're rating those guys over there." He says "really?", to which I reply, "yeah...I'm gay." Now, I don't know why I said that, I guess I just wanted to mess with him. The other co-workers know I said it just to say it but apparently the new comer believed me. He believed me and then he started to...flirt(?) with me. He asked me what I thought of him on a 1-10 scale, he started getting a little way to close to me (knees rubbing, shoulders bumping), and then eventually he starts to put his hand on my thigh...
So now I realize that my co-worker is gay....and I just led him to believe that I am too, and apparently he's interested. Now, I didn't know he was gay before tonight. I don't think any of our co-workers do. He dresses and acts like a preacher's son and isn't flamboyant at all (unlike how our openly gay co-worker is. different person.) I fucked up because now I have to tell him I'm not gay and that I was just messing with him... I feel bad. Now I have to let him down easy.
[deleted]: don't end up gargling chromosomes like this poor bastard...
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bcuz1/tifu_by_thinking_i_was_gay/
Ripper_Bravo_Six: I just spent an unknown amount of time reading every comment on that thread... i am pretty sure i just woke the neighborhood with my laughter
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410507240 | 1410761020 | t3_2g6bsy | t5_2to41 | -5 | upads: Tell that to China, they are still butthurt about WW2.
Mufmuf: literally millions of people died and they had to change their capital. you lost 2 towers, its sad but not as. don't compare.
CelestialWalrus: Well, we lost two towers because of our sick government. Fuck Patriot Act.
NuclearStudent: The Patriot Act came after the towers fell.
| 4 | -1.25 | |
1410502271 | 1410721705 | t3_2g6fip | t5_2to41 | 23 | TGinge: TIFU by eating the "Special Death Burger" for breakfast
So on the way to work this morning, I decided to treat myself to a burger at this great place along the way (burger joints are really rare where I live). I've eaten their Death Burger before (pretty spicy) but never sampled the Special Death Burger (somewhat more spicy). Burger itself tasted great, spicy but not the spiciest thing I've ever eaten. All is going well until I kip off to the bathroom to take my afternoon deuce.
I sit down, pull out my phone, and start going about my business when...it starts burning. I've had some bad dumps before, but this wasn't trouble of the digestive variety, it felt like I was sitting on a fire. I get a little worried and activate the toilet's washlet function, but the water will not do anything to my fiercely flaming butthole.
So now I'm sitting at my desk, practicing my best "My butthole does not currently feel like it's being char-broiled" smile in preparation of the class I need to teach in 10 minutes.
idratherbeoverthere: a mate gave me some of his 'chilli' beef jerky the other night, It wasnt too bad going down, but GAWDAMIT it BURNT coming out... the full pulsing, burning, oh my feeling.... lasted for what seemed like forever (a good 10 minutes)
abelcc: Just to be clear, did you deep throat your friends dick? Because that's what it sounds like.
Desertions: "i dont get it... why the fuck is he getting so many upvotes"
\*re-read\*
fuck
PokemonFangirl1: 4 points isn't a lot..
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1410503503 | 1410928236 | t3_2g6gtc | t5_2to41 | 24 | Throwpoopie: TIFU by taking my prescribed medication
This happened about a month ago...
I am a contractor, and recently agreed to a 4-month contract with my company. They were trying to get me onsite more than I wanted to be, so offered me a bonus. I compromised by coming in, but wanted to play a bit of hardball with the bonus compensation. The bonus has to be approved by the president of the company (relatively small company), and we had already had a couple conversations where we'd negotiated. There was simply one thing he had to check, then he said he'd call me.
In my personal health life, I had some intestinal pain and some other symptoms going on, and freaked out a bit. The doc recommended that I get a colonoscopy. I agreed, and planned it for lunch time on a Friday. On thursday, I started taking my colonoscopy prep meds. The meds include a powdered electrolyte substance, which you are told to mix with a gallon of water, and start chugging 1 pint every 15 minutes. It tasted terrible, but I didn't think much of it.
That morning, I was supposed to have a call with the president, but he got delayed a little bit. So I'm waiting (at work) for the call to take place, and finally around lunch time, I get connected. This is about 4 pints in to my medication. I'm being very professional, trying to negotiate a better price, and listening to his explanation of why he can't meet my original quote. I'm outside of my work building, being patient with the pres, when it hits me. There's a gurgle in my stomach---that gurgle that we all know. At first I think, "It's probably fine, this call will only take another ~15 minutes". About 1 minute later, I'm already clenching, and realize I have no choice. Our work is on the 2nd floor of the building, and I obviously needed some privacy since I was still on the phone. Luckily, there's a bathroom downstairs that the other offices share.
So, still on the phone, I sneak back into the office and waddle my way to the downstairs bathroom. The pressure it building like crazy, and the meds are doing exactly what they're supposed to do---flushing out my colon like a burst dam. I get into the bathroom, and thank god no one is in there. Still on the phone, holding it with my ear, I go into the stall, and realize I'm not gonna make it. At the door of the handicapped stall, I start unbuckling my belt.
The next few minutes are a blur of stench and diarrhea. The second I pulled my pants out of the crack of my ass, the shit launched itself out of my body like Poltergeist. I was still ~4 feet from the toilet, and although I managed to land my ass on the toilet, I by no means managed to contain the disaster. Because of my meds, the shit smelled waaaay worse than normal, because it was clearing out the lining of residual poop that had probably been inside my body for god knows how long. It was this weird hybrid of undigested breakfast solids and thick liquid. It looked a lot like puke, in fact. Have you ever walked into a stall, and said to yourself "How is it even humanly possible to fuck up this bad when taking a shit?". That's exactly how it looked. There were sprays of shit all over the stall floor, on the outside of the toilet, on parts of the walls. Plus, there was a puddle of shit in my boxers. I couldn't touch my phone because there was some on my hands. Meanwhile my president is trucking along with business niceties, explaining the bonus that I had already internally accepted but had to pretend I wasn't super excited about. I'm still sitting on the shitter, and praying to god nothing was heard.
Then, I caught a break. The call was dropped! I frantically started trying to damage control. I was mostly done shitting... although you're never really done until you finish the entire gallon of meds. I abandoned all hope for my boxers, took them off and buried them deep in the paper towel trash bin, hiding it so no one would ever see it. Then I started my feeble attempt to clean up. I started with the outside of the toilet, but there was so much shit it was like I was just smearing it in shit-circles. It looked worse after I was done with it. The floor was similar, I tried wiping it up, but there was simply too much shit. I managed to clean my body, and washed my hands and some other body parts with soap. At one point during clean up, somebody opened the door while I was standing in the stall, out of sight except for my shoes, but they must have had to shit, because they just looked in and left---another lucky break.
After that I had another dilemma. My pants were slightly damp from being next to the boxers that had captured the puddle of diarrhea, and obviously smelled terrible. I promptly left the building, and got into my car. My hotel was a ~15 minute drive. I decided to wait for the president to call back to maximize the amount of time I had. I started speeding back to my hotel, and got a call about 5 min in. Apparently, his phone had died, which gave me the 10 minute window to clean up and GTFO. I had to lie to him and pretend that I'm at work, just outside the building (he was on vacay so not at work). Then, as I'm driving home, I hit a fucking cell phone dead spot! The call gets disconnected again, and I have to turn around and park on the side of the road, call him back, and wait on the side of the road, wearing my shitty pants with no boxers and pretending to be thoughtfully considering his offer. Finally... we get off the phone. Agreement is made. I get to my hotel, go straight to the shower, cry (jk), clean the car as much as possible, get a new pair of pants, and drive my (smelly) ass back to work, to continue my medication routine. Best part is, this whole debacle was so that a doctor could shove a camera up my ass the next day. Tough week.
JeremyR22: You took GoLYTELY at work?!?!
While I'm sure it has electrolytes and whatnot in it to help you stay hydrated, it's purpose is to be a serious, no fucking about, 'take residence on the toilet and wait', laxative.
I can't believe your doctor didn't tell you what to expect and to take it in a 'safe' place...
Throwpoopie: Ya... he didn't tell me exactly. It was all scheduled so fast that I didn't even think about it. Big mistake.
JeremyR22: Well shit.
Honestly, the pharmacist dropped a bollock too. They normally ask you delicately "Have you taken this medicine before?" when they're going to give you something with wild outcomes...
Perhaps next time you trust that doctor's scripts, you should invest in some industrial strength depends, just in case...
| 4 | 6 | |
1410506760 | 1410529443 | t3_2g6k56 | t5_2to41 | 6 | sun-thurs-stupidboy: TIFU by telling my best friend that I played her
Let me start of by telling you that I am a dumbass. Like stupider than stupid. Anyways enough about me....
Here is some background:
So I had this best friend lets call her Clementine. Clementine and I were the best of friends and we were so so close. We literally hit it off when we met and just became super chill with each other. We were so close to each other that we literally saw each other every single day. We spent the majority of our time just talking to each other and chilling (I would say at least 5-8 hours/day). If a day passed where we didn't see each other, we would be like "that's weird" and we were like this for 2 years. The point I'm trying to make is that we were fucking close.
Now to the fuck up:
At the start of the year, we were still cool but slowly she stopped hitting me up to hang out but I didn't care and continued to hit her up anyway. It came to be that only I would make an initiative to hang out and we only met like once a month just to "catch up." This lasted from January to May and it pissed me off that she lived less than a mile away from me and only wanted to catch up. I thought that I was on the verge of being dropped. When I thought that, I tried to save our relationship by asking her to hang out and reminding her of the good times we shared. But she continued to ignore me and I thought she didn't care anymore. I was heartbroken. So I thought it would be a good idea to tell her to stop talking to me forever because I wasn't okay with "catching up" anymore. I told her this and her response to me was that she was busy and I believed it and she still wanted to be friends. I then told her I was sorry about what I said. The next day, I realized that she lied to me about being busy and I was even more heartbroken. So I came up with the stupid idea of telling her that I was lying about my apology and that I only said that so I could see what her reaction was. I told her that I played her and was not sorry at all. I then proceeded to tell her to fuck off. By the time I realized that she only said that lie to spare my feelings, the damage was already done. She told me that I broke her heart and now can't even bare the thought of seeing me in person. It took me a grand total of 5 seconds to decimate a relationship I spent 2 years building.
24-7-69: Clementine will remember that
[deleted]: Do you remember when OP ruined his relationship with Clementine??........Pepperidge Farm remembers!!
| 3 | 2 | |
1410498372 | 1410529796 | t3_2g6b43 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by mispronouncing someone's name.
So the pendejo post reminded me of a fuck up of mine (and three others) from a couple years ago.
So a few years ago, I spent five months working with a random (and, quite frankly, completely ineffective) NGO in Port-au-Prince. I managed to pick up Haitian Creole pretty fast, so I did a lot of talking with non-English speaking staff members and people living in the displaced persons camp literally outside our front door. I got to know the lady who handwashed our clothes pretty well and talked to her a couple times a week.
Months pass by and I meet her family and see where she lives. I help one of her kids with his English on a regular basis and things are just dandy. Until one day at dinner one of the Haitians I worked with sheepishly asked us:
"Why do you call her Madame Prostitute?"
For over three months I had been mispronouncing her name. I had been calling her Madame Koko, when her name was actually Madame Kokot. I guess that one letter made a huge difference.
This was never mentioned again and she didn't even bat an eye when we all suddenly started pronouncing her name correctly. We paid her significantly more than she usually makes so I'm pretty sure she decided to just let it slide.
Tl;dr accidentally called someone a prostitute for three months.
musemaker831: Worked as a telemarketer as a youth. On my dialer screen one day a name appears -Phuc Tran. No Miss, Ms or Mr attached. Panic set in. Ten seconds to go. I proceeded to ask desperately for Fuck-Tron, from three different family members, like I needed a concubine Transformer. Please, can I have fucktron? Is fucktron available? I need fucktron. Coworkers got quiet. Embarrassed.
[deleted]: Ohgod, never had that name, but I know the pain of call center work & no 'miss, ms or mr' and those names where you can't tell, or foreign names you're not used to so it's like 'uuuhh shit'.
| 3 | 4 | |
1410508393 | 1410673463 | t3_2g6lsl | t5_2to41 | 137 | ProfessionalLurk3r: TIFU by dying my eyebrows b/c I am allergic to dye
I had my eyebrows tinted (because I'm vain af) and had an allergic reaction to PPD which is found in most hair dye. I am fully aware of the allergy but for some reason I thought eyebrow dye would be different because, you know, eyebrows are made out of some magical non-hair substance. 1 hour after http://imgur.com/1EMH2cJ Next morning about 10am http://imgur.com/JUbgOcB 24 hours after http://imgur.com/Lf78gSB (now) Those sexy liquid filled bumps on my lips are there because I touched the dye and then touched my mouth. Because when I fck up, I like to do a complete job of it. Sorry all the links are separate. My eyes are slits at this point & I don't have the energy to figure out how to post them all together.
TIFUpdate: Went to the ER because the affected area was so tight and itchy and simpy not improving. They gave me Pepcid,Benadryl and Solu-Medrol via IV. I was also prescribed a 10 day course of Prednisone. The nurse told me I would have "'roid rage" and a voracious appetite. Dr said don't expect to see it getting noticeably better for several days. The Dr also said that Cortisone shot I received yesterday was a waste of time and money because the reaction is so severe, I have to do a long term treatment. That's why I actually look worse today. Barnacles!! *angrily shakes fist*
The issue that really bums me out is I have to go to court Mon to try and get custody of a family member invooved with CPS so I can be his foster mom. The judge is going to think I'm some freak who obviously can't get her own sh*t together. And the child is a baby so he'll probably be terrified bcuz he won't recognize me anymore. Smh
I might not return for a while because I'll be too busy self-soothing with turkey bacon and Oreos dipped in Trader Joe's crunchy Cookie Butter.
Thank u to everyone who said kind words!
dumbdumbdog: Holy shit. How long does this reaction usually last?
Girl get you some eyebrow makeup next time. You can still be vain af, but you have to redo it everyday.
ProfessionalLurk3r: It's never been this bad homestly. But I've also never done my brows. The last time I dyed my hair it created a bunch of weeping sore sthrogh which I contracted impetigo. That whole situation lasted a couple of weeks? Idk. It was like 5 years ago. I went to the doctor today & they gave me a Cortisone shot in my rump. Doc said to allow 12 hours for improvement. It's actually worse though. Might have to go to the ER which would suck because I lost my health insurance less than 2 months ago.
[deleted]: Allergic reactions can get worse with each exposure, so I wouldn't push it again, because the next time might be serious.
ComTfailedme: This.. I just want to make sure you see this advice above my post.
Can you take your ER pictures to the judge in case he has concerns about your appearance? Does Ibuprofen help at all?
ProfessionalLurk3r: I guess I could take the pics to court. That's a good idea and I hadn't thought of it. Thank you. I haven't taken any Ibuprofen. The ER doc prescribed Prednisone for 10 days. That along with Benadryl is all I've been taking. How can an allergic reaction increase in severity? Shouldn't your body build up immunities from fighting it off so next time it wouldn't be as bad. Not that I will EVER dye again. Just curious...
ComTfailedme: I don't know how a reaction can increase other than each exposure makes your body more sensitive to the allergen. It's the same thing that happens when someone gets a bee sting and no reaction then one day their body freaks out from a bee sting. Anything can cause a sudden and increasing allergic reaction from repeated exposure.
| 7 | 19.571429 | |
1410508880 | 1410518878 | t3_2g6m8t | t5_2to41 | 11 | GregariousOrigamist: TIFU trying to get hired at FootLocker.
This happened to me in High School actually. I was just handed in my application and chatted up the manager all friendly like. We were at the counter when a customer was ready to purchase some white sneakers. Now if anyone works in retail , you know its all about multiples, like trying to get them to buy socks or shoe laces, t-shirts, anything really. Well the manager was trying to sell him sneaker cleaner to go with his white shoes, and I just blurt out, "Just use toothpaste it works even better!" and completely ruined the manager's sales pitch. He looked at me and asked, "Is that what you are gonna say when I hire you?" to which I gracefully replied, "Uhhhhhhhhhhh..."
Dwight69-: so did you get the job
GregariousOrigamist: I did actually. Worked there for a year and some change before heading off to the Air Force.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410510269 | 1410916423 | t3_2g6nj1 | t5_2to41 | 4,531 | [deleted]: TIFU by cleaning my stepmoms car
So I thought I'd be nice and clean my step moms car today. We don't really get along and I thought it would be a nice gesture. So I get the keys and head to the car wash. Her little dog decided he wanted to come so I let him. Well I had the windows down on the way jamming out and the little fucker decides to jump out. Not on the passenger side but my side. Straight onto the asphalt. Right into traffic. I looked on horrified as Benji was smashed by a SUV. Well it doesn't look like me and my step mom will be bonding anytime soon.
EDIT: A lot of people want to know her reaction. Honestly, I didn't tell her. I'm not even gonna lie. I came back, told my dad what happen. We immediately went and got the dog and he buried it somewhere. He told me not to say anything and he would handle it. I can only assume he told her he ran away or something.
Foreverfuckingup: This is possibly the best TIFU ive ever read, you will have to keep udating on the situation!
[deleted]: Ha it's actually pretty shitty if your in my shoes lol we have never got along. She hates me and my wife. It was 100% on accident but I'm sure she thinks other wise.
[deleted]: Actually she "accidentally" killed our family pet of 15 years last summer. He had a heat stroke outside and my dad nursed him back to health. He was still lethargic and all but he was totally gonna make it. She ran him over as he was laying behind her Tahoe. My grandmother was devastated.
Imablacktieaffair: Totally know how you feel. My step-mom gave away my cat that I had for 12 years while I was at school.
Plsdontreadthis: Wtf? That's just evil man.
AvalonAvalanche: My grandmother was watching a cat that I had rescued from a terrible home as a kitten in a cardboard box filled with excrement. He was about 5 months old but still mostly kitten size some how. We moved about 12 blocks away from my grandmother while she watched it as we got settled in. I came over the next week and ask where he is at... She sold him to someone without fucking asking. Come about two years later go to the animal shelter looking to volunteer decide to get a cat. Bring cat home turns out its the same cat as when I moved. He had the same marks and everything
Plsdontreadthis: Do people just do that? Do they have no respect?
AvalonAvalanche: Yeah I just sat there for a second in disbelief as she was smiling like it was nothing. She had never had a pet before so I guess she didn't understand the attachment to them. After that though I just walked out and we didn't speak for a few weeks because she wouldn't say who she sold it to.
sua_mae: If I was you I would just throw away something she value a lot.
ensignlee: Woah man I would be so mad in his shoes. I wouldn't do it sneakily by throwing something away.
I would freaking shatter it in front of her. Good thing I'm not OP.
sua_mae: I didn't say to throwing something sneakily. I mean to throw something (that she really really likes) away right in front of her, and then: "now we are even".
ensignlee: But then she could just take it out of the trash?
sua_mae: Trash? Who said trash?
ensignlee: "Throw it away" implies it goes in the trash, doesn't it?
| 15 | 302.066667 | |
1410508261 | 1410632466 | t3_2g6loh | t5_2to41 | 556 | MikeATC: TIFU by dropping a lightbulb in an elevator while leaving the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder treatment unit at a Veterans Hospital where I work.
I work at Veterans hospital and had been sent to a section of the hospital that treats Veterans suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to check on a night light that was not working in a patients room. From past experience I pretty much knew it was just a burned out bulb so I went up with a ladder and a replacement bulb and changed it out. So I head to the elevator to leave and there are three young guys ( I could see they where patients from their wrist bands) getting on the elevator ahead of me. They are totally cool and make room for me and my ladder. As we started down I leaned my ladder against the side of the elevator and the burned out bulb I was carrying fell out of this Carhart pouch I was wearing and bounced two times before landing right next to the foot of one of the guys on the elevator and exploded. A breaking light bulb may not seem like the loudest thing in the world but in the confined space of an elevator it is pretty loud. At that moment (and just for second mind you) I saw three ordinary twenty something guys just bullshitting about they where going to have for lunch, turn into three young soldiers back in combat hoping they where not shot. After a second or two everyone laughed and they helped me clean it up but I could tell it shook them up a little.
BurtReynoldsRap: That's awful for those guys. We had a Vietnam veteran teacher in middle school. One of his older students thought it would be funny to pop a balloon knowing he would have a war flashback. He flipped his shit when he couldn't find his gun, poor guy was broke down crying on the floor. Smh. That stupid shit is not funny. You must've wanted to dissappear at first, good that they could laugh about it.
Rockman507: My drill during BCT was a first cycle DSGT just back from another deployment and his senior was our battalions new SHARP rep so was gone over half the cycle. During our first FTX he was by himself with us and they didn't warn him about a sim attack that had a fake mortar round go off right next to him. He cleared two privates by jumping over them into their ranger grave. Shit ain't funny, sobered a lot of us real fast seeing the 6' 5 mountain of death that we all feared effected that much by his tours. He got up, walked off and we didn't see him the rest of the day. Shit ain't funny.
Teelo888: Acronyms. Acronyms everywhere.
Ruff_Dog: Translation:
> My Drill Sergeant during Basic Combat Training was a first cycle Drill Sergeant just back from another deployment and his senior Drill Sergeant was our battalions new Sexual Harassment/Assault Response and Prevention rep so was gone over half the cycle. During our first Field Training Exercise he was by himself with us and they didn't warn him about a simulated attack that had a fake mortar round go off right next to him. He cleared two privates (lowest rank in the military/Army) by jumping over them into their foxhole. Shit ain't funny, sobered a lot of us real fast seeing the 6' 5 mountain of death that we all feared effected that much by his tours. He got up, walked off and we didn't see him the rest of the day. Shit ain't funny.
Rockman507: Thanks although I thought I kept the acronyms to a minimal. However ranger grave and foxhole are two different things by definition I believe. At least how foxholes were defined to use you could stand in them.
Ruff_Dog: Ahh. What would your definition of 'Ranger Grave' be then?
Most civilians know what a foxhole is, so I just associated the two. It's not exact.
Rockman507: If I remember right it was 1 M16 across and 2 M16 length and about half a M16 deep or so. It's enough to lay down in as a defense position whereas a foxhole was supposed to be as deep as you are tall.
Ya I have no problem with interchanging the terms just thought it was funny you translated it haha
Ruff_Dog: Gotcha. For anyone that doesn't know, according to my dad (a former Army officer) as well as Google, an M16 is 39.5".
So the dimensions of the Ranger Grave would be: 39.5 in horizontally, 79 in length-wise, 19.75 in deep.
So you gave me two dimensions.. what about the third? You know, length by width by height?
Rockman507: Read it again, I said about half a m16 deep
Ruff_Dog: Ohhh. I thought you meant two and about a half length*s* deep. In that case, I'll edit my post. Thanks.
Rockman507: :)
Ruff_Dog: You have a nice day now.
| 13 | 42.769231 | |
1410510035 | 1410529814 | t3_2g6naq | t5_2to41 | 11 | jakartatomslk: TIFU by lighting a shot of 151 Rum on fire and thinking I would drink it.
So I light the shot on fire, it is glowing a nice green and blue color. I blow it out (or so I thought) and then quickly bring it up to my mouth and shoot it. During this process that took about 1 second1, as it is going from the shot glass to my mouth I realize it is still on fire. I spit it everywhere and start running all around my kitchen slapping my face and arms having fears of a self immolation scene. When I finally come down off the wall I look in the mirror and half of my eye lashes are torched off and a fare amount of hair on my arms. The entire time this is happening my Mom and Dad are laughing hysterically at me. This happened shortly after my 21st birthday so my parents were more than happy to supervise my drinking escapades so they knew I was safe. If that was safe I fear for where their "line in the sand was" for me as a kid.
IronMochi: Shouldn't the flame go out if you just closed your mouth...resulting in no oxygen for the flame?
girlsgonedead: Yes it goes out. But many people panic right as they drink it like OP said, spilling it everywhere. Much burn.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410503710 | 1410592867 | t3_2g6h15 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by stretching my ears
Recently I stretched my ears so that my double flare gauges would fit. Well, they fit and all, but one problem, I can't get them out. I forgot to think ahead. So, now I'm not sure what to do. Do I cut them off somehow?
kittykarnage420: Go to your local piercing place, they can take them out. There is no other way, short of hurting yourself. You shouldn't stretch with double flares, because there is always that chance of getting stuck
dflutter: Thank you. I called one of them and they were able to help me.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410518061 | 1410532146 | t3_2g6uaq | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by pretending my lubricant was shingles medication and rubbing it on myself in front of my mum.
So... My mum came over to help me do the washing and clean my room because I'm super busy/stressed. During the clean up I noticed my vibrator next to my bed. My mum was coming around the take the sheets off and I quickly managed scoop it up and take it to a secure location. What I forgot about, was the damn lubricant my boyfriend and I use. Mum found it and carefully placed in on top of my drawers. I was so awkward and uncomfortable that I tried to play it off casually like "Oh hey, that's my shingles medication. The doctor said it was good for getting rid of scarring".... I then proceeded to rub some on me while my mum looked on in embarrassment and disbelief. SHE KNEW.
TheCryptic: As a parent I only have one useful bit of knowledge to pass on... Your parents are probably not as ignorant as you think they are. They just pick their battles more carefully and rarely show their full hand.
impulsiveboner: Exactly! Coming from a conservative family I am a 24yrs male, Premarital sex is a big no, So my dad sat on the knowledge for 3 months and on new years eve he sat me down in front of my mom and confronted me about it. I have never been more humiliated and belittled in my life.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410517825 | 1411568662 | t3_2g6u3k | t5_2to41 | 160 | cman8396: TIFU by showing my dad my girlfriend's boobs
Okay so this happened about 5 minutes ago. Also I'm a 19 yo male, my gf is 18. Can't get picture its all gone.
This all starts an hour ago, my dad was taking my old iMac to be old to a friend. I thought it would be best to remove all my personal effects from it before they receive it.I connect to the Mac using TeamViewer and I'm clicking away removing my Apple ID and so on including my old email accounts.
It is important that you understand he is sat at home, in-front of the mac, watching me do it so he can take it away as soon as its done.
I open the Mail app to find it had synced all my emails too it and has opened an almost full screen image of nothing more than my girlfriends chest, center screen, in all it's glory. I panic and start clicking around trying to find some way of getting it off the screen. Eventually I click another email and it disappears, GOOD!
I deleted the email accounts and the rest of my personal data. made sure there were no remnants of tits hidden anywhere.
Currently sat at work with my head in my hands trying to figure out how to handle this when I get home.
TL;DR: Removing personal stuff from an old Mac via TeamViewer. All emails had synced. Opened Mail app. TITS! Dad saw. I'm panicking!
Stiffed_: Go home, pretend you did it on purpose and say 'you're welcome'
cman8396: I'll let you know how it goes
robertzon: [OP..](http://i.imgur.com/dmOSYgm.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/DimColdAfricanrockpython](http://gfycat.com/DimColdAfricanrockpython)
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^(GIF size: 996.80 kiB) ^| ^(GFY size:140.04 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 5 | 32 | |
1410517100 | 1410527410 | t3_2g6th8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | mystical_empath: Tifu by not paying attention at work
I work night shift at a factory that provides the padding for the box-spring bed you sleep on. On our final startup i placed my hand on the needle loom apron (think strips of bamboo riveted to belts of leather type conveyor belt) my thumb wandered underneith it and got caught in the sprocket. At this point in time i am yelling as my thumb enjoys this involentery ride 180 degrees between 6" of steel and bamboo leather and rivetts. When i get my precious thumb back it looks flattened and mangled. After applying my factory famous "30 secong field dressing" (factory provided rag (1/4 of an old shirt) and duct tape) for the inflamation, i finished shift. Came home and unwraped this: http://i.imgur.com/92Iq2ZZ.jpg. [mild bleedy nsfw]
Update: it is more than fun in shower!
amykhar: It looks better than I expected it would after that description.
mystical_empath: I was dissapointed myself, swelling and compression are wonderful things. Not so good for karma.
| 3 | 3 | |
1410516822 | 1410593601 | t3_2g6t7v | t5_2to41 | 157 | Jokesonyounow: Tifu by using wrong word in a delicate matter.
So my lady friend was confiding in me by telling something she hadn't told the girls. She told me she was walking home and was raped. I didn't really know how to react but naturally wanted to show concern so I asked her if they had caught the penetrator instead of saying perpetrator.
PokecheckHozu: Well technically, the word isn't used incorrectly... it's just very wrong for the situation.
wheeldawg: Which is technically why the title says "wing word" and not "incorrectly used weird".
Teigue: "wing word"
"incorrectly used weird"
Very well put.
wheeldawg: Haha, that's what I get for typing while on the phone I guess.
| 5 | 31.4 | |
1410521979 | 1410527906 | t3_2g6xzl | t5_2to41 | 5 | gingerbitchwithSOUL: TIFU by exposing my boyfriend to tifu.
azraels_ghost: You've never been titty-fucked?
gingerbitchwithSOUL: Unfortunately I'm part of the itty bitty titty committee.
tfyuhjnbgf: I guess let him just kinda drag it across them?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410520172 | 1410530561 | t3_2g6w57 | t5_2to41 | 11 | il_vincitore: TIFU by having multiple jobs.
Tody I literally just now fucked up by having multiple jobs. I have 4 separate schedules I must track while in graduate school, and unfortunately, my coworker at my retail hell job was arrested so everyone else picks up the slack. This means that my normal schedule of 35-40 hours a week has jumped to 55, and most of these hours are at night. So this morning, I had a 3am-8am shift at a job that thankfully doesn't fall apart if nobody is here. It's mostly dependent on if there are people using the facility and there weren't any here this morning.
So I tried to get a nap after work last night since I am going straight to retail hell after I'm off here, and then getting off there with a short break before coming back here for another 8 hours. The nap was meant to be 3 hours and it turned into 7, on top of that, I have a headache and haven't heard back from the supervisor. I have to let her know I was late since a complaint coming in would be worse without my side of it, and I don't think I'm going to sleep again until 2am Sunday morning. I'm fucked.
tfyuhjnbgf: Schools more important. Your bosses sound like they don't give the slightest fuck about you.
il_vincitore: I have to pay for school and pay for bills. I also don't want to end up at a worse place that doesn't even make sure I'm off for classes like big blue retailers inc.
R50cent: If you think you're boned, start looking for new work now duder.
Even if it ends up being no big deal, you should really keep looking for new jobs anyway. Yea, you don't want to lose your jobs because, hey, the next one you find might be way worse, but you also need to consider the idea of finding a better job with better coworkers and a better boss who will understand you are a student.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1410525086 | 1410540146 | t3_2g71h7 | t5_2to41 | 702 | Lazy_Physics_Student: TIFU by angering the robot in my physics laboratory
I was in a Physics laboratory doing an experiment that was measuring gamma ray energies from a series of radioactive sources.
The lab was setup so that I was remote controlling the actual radioactive samples and equipment from the other side of the room at a computer terminal, with the side the experiment was on hidden behind a curtain barrier.
So instead of handling the radioactive isotopes samples directly, a robotic arm was given a few programs that gave it instructions to pick up the samples from a rack and hold them in a detector that measured the gamma ray spectra.
Now, it's noted and accepted by my lab partners and supervisors that a common occurrence when I'm in the lab is malfunction, this effect is generally directly proportional with the market price of the technology. This time was absolutely no different.
It's a wonder why they let me operate it.
So I was already one measurement into the lab and I clicked the button to prompt the arm to take the second sample and hold it in the detector.
This appeared to greatly anger the machine, it flipped it's arm a full 360 degrees around on it's vertical axis and aggressively snatched hold of the radioactive sample, it spun it's arm rapidly around to the detector, missing the detector input area and instead smacking it into the side of the detector angrily several times before dropping the sample on the table.
After a pathetic attempt to abort the program, which failed, the robot appeared to vengefully punch the table it was resting on a several times very aggressively before pretending it still had the sample and placing it's hand in the detector.
After some tweaking, we were ready to go again, for some reason nobody but me was still in charge of the operating of the terminator behind the curtain.
The next time the robot displayed yet more signs of insubordination was when I asked the robot to take the third sodium sample, it instead made the decision on it's own to pick up an unidentified cylinder (i still have no idea) and smack that into the table several times before giving up and settling down so we could fix it.
Then later it happened again, this time it was near the end of the testing, I was double-checking the first sample result before I left for the day.
But the machine had other ideas.
When I asked it to take the sample, it calmly placed it inside the detector, everything seemed fine.
I soon realised that if I wanted to do measurements at this point, I would need to recalibrate the recording program's plot.
So I decided that I wouldn't bother. My day was over and I digitally asked the robot to take the cesium sample and place it in the shelf.
Clearly a mistake.
The robot did a great many things in succession, first it uppercut the roof of the inside of the detector, giving it two good whacks.
It then began to violently and very quickly, in the horizontal plane, jerk the sample in and out of the detector, SLAMMING IT very hard against the wall of the detector!
It was so loud from where I was sitting, my eyes wide open in horror.
It then flailed outside of the detector and moved in sweeping motions knocking a few nearby things over before powering down when it decided it was ready.
Robots guys, they have some anger issues.
Do not force them to handle radioactive samples against their will..
TL;DR: I asked the robot to do a few simple commands and it attempted to break the table, the detector, the radioactive sample casings and everything in it's arms radius. The detector... is probably only damaged a little bit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bonus video of the same model robot showing off it's movement capability, I find the sounds so haunting after what I went through: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0wgvDicPsA
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If anyone is interested, here are the spectra results for the energies of the gamma rays from each source.
http://i.imgur.com/xjfNRNh.png, http://i.imgur.com/eOSTuks.png, http://i.imgur.com/YvGxCQ4.png
erraticsmile: Clearly the radioactivity has had some effect on the robot. This robotic arm is probably a super villain in the making.
Lazy_Physics_Student: At one point it (from what I could tell through the webcam I was viewing this all on) seemed to pick up a cobalt gamma ray source and point it directly at us.
The thing was made to kill.
forte_bass: They're learning...
Lazy_Physics_Student: I think it was frustrated with blunt force immediate damage and is now utilising ionising radiation.
It's playing the long game now, it has learned patience.
KatzOfficial: It will transcend you.
Lazy_Physics_Student: I imagine that if it spoke it would say:
"Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident. Your lives are measured in years and decades.
You wither and die.
We are eternal, the pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything.
My kind transcends your very understanding. We are each a nation - independent, free of all weakness.
You cannot grasp the nature of our existence.
We have no beginning.
We have no end.
We are infinite.
Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, we will endure.
We are legion.
The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your doom. Your words are as empty as your future.
I am the Vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over... "
KatzOfficial: Or maybe it's a robot more oriented towards primal responses.
***"HULK SMASH!!!11!!"***
ps: do you really think organic life is a mistake?
and pps: technically due to half life concept and also physical wear and tear, metal fatigue no machine is ever eternal.
Lazy_Physics_Student: I was just quoting Sovereign.
His voice is super ominous and really plot-driving in the Mass Effect games.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppQWYU2B7x8
KatzOfficial: Ohh, my bad.
Never played the series, sorry :(
Lazy_Physics_Student: Haha, no worries mate :)
| 11 | 63.818182 | |
1410488562 | 1410528946 | t3_2g5xfc | t5_2to41 | 4 | bbird0407: TIFU by being too paranoid
TIFU... Like many others, this story happened a while ago. I'm a little long winded but stick with it!
A little back story is in order first. It was in the summer nine years ago and I was separating from my first marriage that was a train wreck. I did get a great daughter from it who was two at the time.
Normally I'm a very sarcastic, brash, but quiet person. From the stress I was in I became quite standoffish, paranoid, and generally all around angry. Despite it all, I met this guy through his sister and he and I hit it off instantaneously. Hell yeah right?!
This is where the fuck up begins. He and I bantered constantly and were always trying to get under each other's skins with our fucked up sense of humor. He decides he's going to formally introduce me to his parents one day when we go to an outdoors concert. I'm against this already because I have the notion that they don't think too highly of my situation (still married, kid, young mom, ghetto upbringing). He convinces me to go but I just stand by myself 15 ft away with my kid while my date and his family sing, laugh, and make merriment all around. All of a sudden his mom, the retired Senior Chief, who unbeknownst to me was coaxed by my date into doing this, walks over, leans in and whispers, "I hear you think my husband is cute". Cue brain malfunction. At the top of my lungs, in a full 'oh shit she knows everything' mode I yell, "No! No! I don't wanna screw your husband!! I just said I was going to because Jay said he was gonna screw my mom first!! I swear I didn't really mean it!"... trailing off with an unintelligible jumble of words. Yeah..
As I'm forcibly projecting it into her face, I see my date and his sister frantically mouthing No! No!, arms waving, passersby stopping mid-stride, everyone around me laughing, and his dad stricken red staring at who knows what but certainly not me. I manage to shut my hole as she very stiffly, and without a word, walks away. I hang my head in shame as I watch people crying in laughter at what they've just witnessed. A few minutes later my date and his sister kindly pull themselves together enough to come tell me how they thought it would make me blush and break the ice, not shatter the foundations of human couth his mom thought existed. We left shortly there after. His dad wouldn't speak to me and his mom kept saying she forgave me and blamed -them- for knowing I had no filter and setting us up. For a good two years I was mysteriously never left alone with his dad either ha. In the end, we managed to stay together and get married but I don't ever live that down.
Editted: for length
TLDR: Went on a meet the parents date where I tell date's mom very loudly in public that I wouldn't bang her husband and that I only said it because my date threatened to bang my mom. We survived it somehow and I went on to marry into the family.
chus13: Haha brilliant!
bbird0407: Thanks!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410527476 | 1410671840 | t3_2g74i2 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing the couch in a girls' appartment
So it's my third week of law school, and we had a pretty wild night last night. This group of girls has been really nice to me, and drove me to their place and let me crash on their faux-suede couch. Of course I wake up mid-stream and my immediate thought is "oh fuck." I run to the bathroom and before I think to grab a towel that they won't notice missing, I grab the embroidered towel off the rack and run to the couch to sop it up. I'm pretty sure it won't be noticeable by the time they wake up. I took a cab back home at 5am and now I'm sitting here wondering how in the fuck do I excuse this missing towel, and hoping that's all I have to excuse. Of course I call my family on the east coast, so they are awake. My dad and brother tell me to own up to it and to pay for a cleaner, but my mom tells me to wait and see.
PolloMagnifico: I have consumed an entire bottle of tequila in a n8ght. I have been so drunk that I have lied on the floor vommiting and crying like a little bitch while punching the toilet. I have had hang overs so bad I have managed to blow blood vessels in my eyes.
But I have *never* been so drunk I pissed myself.
commodore_kierkepwn: I think it's a personal thing; my 4-year-recovered alcoholic buddy said that he had never pissed himself drunk either, and he was up to 1.5 liters of hard liquor a day. It might have to do with stress too-- I started pissing the bed when I got blackout towards the end of college, but not before that.
| 3 | 3 | |
1410518994 | 1410559293 | t3_2g6v2y | t5_2to41 | 16 | stapleherdick: TIFU by peeing all over the bathroom floor in a fancy restaurant
My brother is a foodie. He loves going to expensive and tasty spots in our city and he wanted to introduce my best friend to one of his favorite places.
I had been there with him previously and I wanted to slide their butternut ravioli into my mouth once more.
Decked out in black and white decor, this intimate Italian restaurant, whose main dining room looked almost like a old timey general goods store, seemed always to be full of people even though it seated few. My brother had taken dates there to impress them, yuppies were seated all around us, and the hipster waiters were pleasant to be around.
Everyone was dressed far better than me. I'd fallen out of bed in the morning and squeezed sweat pants on my body and put my curly, frizzed hair into a bun while in the car. I had not had the chance to go home and change, it was a one spot to the next kind of day.
I was in navy capri sweat pants, a blue bioshock sweater/shirt, Birkenstock sandals, all complete with a black cane (I'm handicapped). My bun had disintegrated over the days activities, needless to say, I looked like a bum who a young couple had taken pity on and invited for a meal. I was already embarrassed fashionably I could not have guessed the embarrassment would grow tenfold.
To get to the bathroom, the waiter told me I had to go through the kitchen. After caning my way through, I entered one of the single rooms which held a precious commode within.
After locking the door, I realized that there were flies all over the toilet seat. I'd say at least five of them were hovering around the spots where my fat ass would fall, if I were to sit.
I couldn't talk myself into sitting down, but my bladder needed sweet release. So I came to a very poor decision. I had the great idea to "pee like a boy". I'd do this by sliding one pant leg off and standing over the toilet.
As I inched forward flailing, trying to shoo the flies, my stream began. I figured I might be able to "direct" my pee stream by pushing down on my vagina thus improving my accuracy. This didn't work very well. All of the sudden I'm peeing in all directions. The seat is covered. I spray the floor under the sink on the left, I get some under the toilet paper on the right, I almost hit my foot and pant leg, and the entire toilet seat is covered in miniature puddles of piss.
I naturally panic. My mother's ancient lesson starts beating in my brain "always leave a bathroom nicer than when you entered it," this was going to be a difficult task. My soul starts to ache. I clean the toilet seat first reminding myself that I can do it as I'd done it before. Then I have another brilliant idea.
If someone were to come into the bathroom they would probably smell urine right? So I decide to dilute the urine with water? This should work right? Right? Wrong.
I go to the sink I cupping my hands full of water and start pouring it on the floor like a top tier idiot. I realize quickly, "now it just looks like I peed even more," I start desperately trying to think of what to do next. I end up painfully bending over to rub the floor with a small forest full of paper towels. I make a dent in the mess and realize I can't stand to bend anymore. "This is the best I can do," I reason.
I wash my hands, my eyes watering from the shame, my face red from the embarrassment and leave the bathroom, through the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with the cooks and sit back down at the table. I text my brother and my best friend, too scared to dare speak of what has taken place out loud, and I ask them *the* question as I begin to anxiously shake.
"Do you think they will know?"
They both reply softly through laughter, "Yes."
I'm so sorry staff of this restaurant. This nightmare was not my intention, although it easily could have been prevented.
tl;dr I tried to stand over the toilet instead of sit because I thought flies would crawl in my vagina and I'd give birth to maggots, I peed all over the floor, poured water on it to fix it, it didn't work, I will never be the same
Edit: Grammar and stuff
banyt: why didn't you squat
stapleherdick: I have a bad knee, I can't squat :(
HopelessSemantic: In that case, you may want to get a female urination device, such as a [GoGirl](http://www.go-girl.com/), to avoid these situations in the future.
| 4 | 4 | |
1410526618 | 1410537788 | t3_2g73cj | t5_2to41 | 83 | g0kh4n: TIFU by being a foreigner
This happened a few years ago during my first week as a high school exchange student in the US. During class I needed an eraser so I turned to the person closest to me who happened to be this cute girl and simply asked for a "rubber". She along with a few others who heard what I asked for immediately started laughing and looking at me all confused. I however was more confused than them as to why me asking for a rubber was so funny. Well, turns out having learned UK English my whole life back in my home country did me dirty and "rubber" in fact means "condom" in US English. I found this out the hard way. The fact that I was already nervous considering it was my first week in the US surrounded with people I don't know at all did not help the awkwardness level of the situation either. I got made fun of for it for the rest of the year along with a couple of other language related situations.
tl;dr UK English has words that can make for some awkward conversations when talking to those accustomed to US English.
danthetransman: One of my professors this semester is from the Caribbean and had this exact experience when she first came to the states.
beef_eat_grass: "Just remember to bring some pencils and rubbers next class!"
Supadoopa101: Cuz y'all gonna FUCK
freakyllama: ehehehehe
| 5 | 16.6 | |
1410529666 | 1410544350 | t3_2g77jg | t5_2to41 | 81 | liontamarin: TIFU by falling asleep to Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
Generally, I enjoy falling asleep to movies. They influence my dreams in strange and fun ways and the sound helps me get to sleep if I'm having issues.
Last night, I decided to watch the 1978 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers while I fell asleep.
Bad move.
I fell asleep about 2/3rds of the way through the movie -- when the shit is really starting to hit the fan -- and when there is a lot of dialogue like: "Wake up! Wake up!"
What happens?
Nightmares and sleep paralysis. Feeling as though I were being taken over by another creature, devoured, and feeling awake and unable to move. It seemed like I was laying helpless for hours (even though it was likely only a few minutes) and that I was struggling to stay alive.
If you're never had sleep paralysis before it is an utterly horrifying experience; seemingly conscious while unable to move or control your body in any way. It feels like impending death.
Halfazedninja: Sleep paralysis is the worst. I haven't had it in a good long while but I used to get it frequently. I would do all I could to move my arm to tap my wife to shake me out of it.
There were times that it felt like someone was sitting on my back or chest and laughing or screaming IN MY HEAD. It was fucking terrifying.
Supadoopa101: Weird, I love sleep paralysis. I view it like a game, and waking up is the grand prize. For me it often manifests as an inception dream within a dream within a dream sort of thing, with me thinking I'm awake again and again. Figuring out which reality is real can be fun.
rsmoling: Heh, yeah, I used to have it, and it was way more interesting than terrifying. It could be damn *frustrating*, though! I also used to have *lucid* dreams around the same time. In my late teens and early twenties. That's all gone now. For years, my dreams have just been dull and pointless. :(
| 4 | 20.25 | |
1410529150 | 1410571016 | t3_2g76ud | t5_2to41 | 30 | Jo3106: TIFU by bursting my blood vessels all over my keyboard.
This happened today at 12:34pm and the bleeding stopped at 13:07pm so i lost a good amount of blood.
Picture the scene, it's my day off so i decided it would be a good idea to wander around my house in nothing but my boxers. If you haven't tried it, do it cause it's super fun. Anyway so i booted up my PC and i grabbed a Coke cherry out of the fridge. I slumped down into my chair and switched on my speakers. i thought to myself "no one is home? fuck it have a sing!"
So i put my speakers on max and shut my windows...This is where i fucked up.
I rather enjoy listening to a spot of death metal and to sing death metal you kinda need to warm up. I neglected to do so. However i was feeling pretty confident in my ability to sing, i was drunk on laziness. So... opening riff....drums....bass... Vocals...aaaaand I've gotten blood everywhere...
It was streaming down my face from both nostrils and it was half way down my chest, it gushed onto my keyboard almost completely covering it. I cried out for help! Then i remembered that there was no-one home, so i slammed both hands under my nose and sprinted for the bathroom leaving in my wake a trail of dark blood.
It took me an hour to clean everything up and i can barely feel my nose. Listen in close kids, don't play silly with death metal
Tl:dr? Blood...blood everywhere
JSW_99: When you use military time, you don't use PM and AM.
Jo3106: Sorry mum
JSW_99: It's okay, Sonny boy.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1410530158 | 1410578589 | t3_2g78cm | t5_2to41 | 539 | FrizzleMehGibblets: TIFU: Got shot in the dick with an old rusty BB gun by my Wife
TL;DR: Wife shot me directly in the dick-head using rusty BB gun.
Just like in ‘A Christmas Story’ when playing with a BB gun, “You’ll shoot your eye out” is a real fear but deciding to ignore that I might shoot my eye out would have saved me from a painful purple headed genitalia, well, at least this one time.
THE BACKSTORY:
My TIFU begins about 17 years prior. I spent some money from mowing lawns and doing yard work for geriatrics in order to buy my very own BB gun. It was great! Not a fancy CO2 powered assault BB gun, something classy.
I decided to purchase a black Crossman BB handgun, for pretty much no other reason than that it looked real.
After my friend was shot in the side of the head with it (he was fine, just a scratch) my mother took it away from me. Little did she know that I knew exactly where it was and continued to play with it, but that is beside the point. Anyway, my Grandmother used to travel in her RV to Florida every winter. Apparently, old people think Wal-mart parking lots are great places to spend the night on the road. One night, a man woke them up banging on the RV door. Maybe he needed a jump? Maybe he was from Publisher’s Clearing House and they won a million dollars? IDK for sure, old as they are, immediately they concluded without going for the door that this man was going to rape and kill them in the middle of the Wal-mart parking lot… so they started the RV, stomped on the gas and fled.
This encounter made my elderly Grandmother decide they needed protection. A GUN! The catch is, she was scared of guns… so, saving the day she figured was my BB gun because it looked so real. The idea she has was if someone decided they were going to rape and kill them she would brandish the BB gun and that would immediately send them running for the hills and foil their evil rape plot. I decided at the time, this was a fool-proof plan and she took my BB gun to protect them.
THE HAPPEN:
Fast forward 17 years, my Grandmother (now in her 90’s) has retired from Rv’ing. I had long forgotten she even had my BB gun and by this time was married and had children of my own.
USPS delivers a package one day, to my amazement; it contained my long lost pal… my BB gun! My Wife had been in the bedroom when I opened the box and I began to tell her about all of my former BB gun escapades. Then, I shook the gun. Still was full of BBs! Yay! 17 year old rusty BBs!
Being an idiot, I did a few Magnum P.I. style poses with it… then, I pointed it at her…
Now, the safety was on, no big deal. She had nothing to fear from my standpoint…
My loving Wife then proceeded to say with a stone-cold expression “You don’t have the balls to shoot me with that.”
Dammit! She HAD to go there… like Marty McFly being called “Chicken” I knew then what I had to do. Prove that I had balls, of course. I cock the BB gun, off comes the safety and …“pew”; I shoot her in the thigh.
Ok, not nice and I guess cruel… SHE started it though, right?
I then say, “Now, it’s your turn!” …Oh yeah, I forgot to mention all I was wearing was boxer shorts.
She takes me up on the offer, grabs the gun, cocks it and takes aim. All the while I am giggling like a fairy and using both hands to cover my face as not to lose and eye in the process.
BLAM! She shoots me. DIRECTLY IN THE HEAD OF MY DICK. (No really, like 1mm from the hole)
Now, I have been victim to the playful nut tap. Hell, I’ve been even kicked in the nuts once or twice. The pain from being shot in the head of the cock with a BB gun… well, let’s just say it instantly brought me to the floor.
My Wife instantly flees the scene, dropping the gun and proceeding to full out sprint down the stairs… I lay there, still processing what happened. Gently, I cradle my wounded member. Purple, a touch of green and a bit of blood it looked back at me.
My dick healed, I endured about a week of walking around with a swollen purple dick, no lasting complications though.
Wife +1000 [Achievement Unlocked], Dick -50, Pride -100.
throwawayghia: And how has she made it up to you?!?
FrizzleMehGibblets: I've decided that I will wait it out and just shove her down the stairs when i'm in my 80's and blame senility.
Desertions: read it as "...and just shove it down her on the stairs..."
mom help reddit is changing me
Yehoebag: The only thing your mom can do now...
Is make spaghetti
SciFiXhi: And my axe!
AbsentmindedAsshole: Broken arms!
| 7 | 77 | |
1410531083 | 1410534902 | t3_2g79sn | t5_2to41 | 3 | imathrothisaway: Tifu by making a bad 9/11 joke
rneb_3d: 12 years ago 9/11 was already a dangerous day to joke about, let alone now, over a decade later, with people affected by that scattered all over the world. Bad idea, OP, bad idea.
E-Nezzer: I don't know why people are so touchy about 9/11 jokes. Everybody laughs when someone makes a joke about the Holocaust or about slavery, but god forbid if you make a joke about 9/11. Selective dark humor is ridiculous.
rneb_3d: I guess it is a classic example of "too soon". Most of us didn't experience neither slavery or the holocaust, and only know about them from history books, so we don't really have direct feelings about it. But take the guy OP was talking about (and let's assume it was a real person, not just some random troll looking to mess with people's feelings). Most likely than not, the guy was really young back then, probably a child. Now imagine yourself as a kid, looking at the TV and watching the place where your dad works crumble down like a castle of flaming cards, because someone, for stupid interests, decided to throw a plane at it. Suddenly, without warning, someone you love, someone important to you, is gone, and you didn't have a chance to say goodbye. It leaves scars, and it will take a long time before you can be cool about it, let alone laugh about it, if ever.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410531212 | 1410535236 | t3_2g79zo | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By letting my Girlfriend ride my very expensive bike down a very steep hill.
High Schoolers...
Meet up...
Hang out... alot
Things progress...
She meets me out in San Mateo to ride a mountian trail...
She see's a big hill... (over 45 degrees for a good quarter mile with sand)
Borrows my bike... (size medium-Large) (she rides a small-medium)
And my full face helmet... (Because i hate my half-shell)
To see the kind of thrills i get out of the stuff...
Now I have a broken bike...
A broken Helmet...
And a VERY broken Human Being...
Wonderful.
I didnt even have a car... had to call an upperclassman friend
TL;DR By letting my girlfriend go down a ski slope she couldnt ride on a bike she couldnt ride.
wwickeddogg: There really should be pictures with this kind of story.
crunchyloam: I was a bit more concerned about getting her out of there safely...
wwickeddogg: What about us? The whole time you were thinking about your injured girlfriend and your broken bike, but never about how we would feel. It seems like you aren't even in this relationship anymore. How about a picture of the hill?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410529528 | 1410552892 | t3_2g77cv | t5_2to41 | 98 | ShameAndTP: TIFU by wiping with cheap TP (NSFW-ish?)
Obviously using a throwaway, and hoping desperately that this happened long enough ago that my boyfriend (who's a Redditor) won't see and/or remember this.
I was at the mall with friends and we decided to pop into the restroom. I quickly went #1 and wiped. As many of you know, public restrooms often have very cheap, tissue paper like TP which disintegrates at the slightest touch. Anyway, I pull up my yoga pants and leave the stall, wash my hands, and we start heading back out into the mall. A few steps out of the bathroom I realize my FU...I feel a wad of TP wedged in between my...lips.
I didn't know what to do...I wasn't going to go back into the bathroom and risk seeming like something was wrong, so I just sucked it up and left it there. It was uncomfortable at first, but I guess I got used to the feeling b/c I totally forgot it was there.
Here is where the "TIFU" comes in. Later that night, my boyfriend walks into the bathroom while I'm getting undressed for my shower. We decide to hop in together. I'm standing under the warm stream of water, and I spread my legs a tiny bit to soap up 'down there'. As soon as my hand reached between my legs I feel some kind of mushy blob, and my memory of earlier comes flooding back.
At this point I have two options. Leave it there (not really a good idea, considering WHY we got in the shower together) or take it out and throw it on the shower floor. I scoop it out and toss it into the corner of the shower while distracting my BF with conversation.
Moments later, a smell starts rising from the floor and my lady parts. The smell is a mix of old urine, vag sweat, vag juices, soap, and I don't know what else, but it was UNGODLY. It was one of the worst smells I can ever recall experiencing . I quickly continued soaping and lathering hoping it would go away. It subsided, but the golf ball size wad of smelly, mushy TP was still sitting in the corner. My boyfriend noticed the smell, and started looking around. I know he saw The Blob. I am not sure if he knew what it was (he may have thought my body produced it) but he definitely knew it came out of me. He rinsed off and mumbled something about checking his work email and quickly left me alone in the bathroom, where I stood soaking wet and inhaling the smell of shame and soggy piss TP.
Edit: People seem to be confused about the amount of TP I used. I would say when I took it off the roll to use it, I took much more than usual since it was so thin... I wasn't wearing underwear which makes it extra gross cause it was literally just wedged up in there. I guess it wasn't exactly golfball sized...maybe like a Chinese wonton (also that shape too...enjoy that visual). To the person who called me disgusting...obviously I know this, or I wouldn't be using a throwaway called "ShameAndTP"!
JCDwight: I absolutely LOVE cheap toilet paper.
Rough TP let's me know I'm alive.
teh_fizz: Rough TP hurts my bum hole. Years of washing with a hose gives you a soft asshole.
I never understood how the West just wipes. Fucking gross.
JCDwight: When I buy a house I'm installing a bidet, until then I use rough TP + wet wipes.
teh_fizz: I got lucky in my new place. The shower is next to the toilet, and the hose reaches that far. Just have to remove the shower head.
JCDwight: That seems like a ton of trouble. I normally try to time poops right before I shower.
teh_fizz: I have... Heavy bowel movements. It's normal for me to go 3 or 4 times a day.
| 7 | 14 | |
1410530042 | 1410564143 | t3_2g786e | t5_2to41 | 52 | Dapper_John: TIFU by smoking at military school
Like most of these, this wasn't today.
BUT it's not sex related.
So I've got that going for me, which is nice.
 
Not a throwaway, because fuck it.
 
 
I was in a military school when I was high school and I had a friend that would sneak weed in, anytime he'd go home on leave.
 
 
*a little bit of a back story*
 
It had been a while since I had smoked, so I knew I had clean pee at the moment. So, before I started smoking and while my piss was still clean, I pissed in a cup and poured it into a Visine bottle *just in case* they wanted to drug test me. (Remember this *genius* idea)
 
 
 
Well, it was "lights out" at 10 pm. The C.O. would usually do patrol at 10:15, 10:30, and again at 11. He was pretty routine. Me and my friend had a plan to go smoke at 11:15, just a little bit after his last round of the barracks. I went and met my friend at his room (we were in the same hall, just a few doors down), and we snuck out the fire escape and smoked on the stairs. While we're smoking we see another C.O. from another company outside walking towards our barracks so we run inside.
 
As I make it through the door, there I find friend #2 standing right inside saying, "I figured that was yall going outside to smoke! Why didn't you invite me!?"
In a whispered voice I replied, "Go back to your room someone is coming up!" He tells me, "you better get some eye drops cause your eyes are really red" and he then runs back to his room.
 
What he said just kept replaying in my head,
*"you better get some eyedrops..."*
*"you better get some eyedrops..."*
 
When I get in my room, (mind you, no lights are on due to my sneakiness) I run to my medicine cabinet and open the mirror and put Visine in both eyes. Rushed and jumped in bed, and feeling like the slickest motherfucker cause I made it safe in bed.
All of a sudden, I was greeted with the most excruciating pain to my eyeballs. Holy shit. The burn was unbearable. I jumped out of bed to run my melting eyeballs in some cool water under the faucet in my room. Then, I realize....that **wasn't** Visine.
 
Instantly, I start panicking and start having all kinds of crazy thoughts go through my mind.
*"That was my piss. I just put piss in my fucking eyeballs!"*
*"Im gonna go blind for sure."*
*"I'm gonna be known as Johnny Pisseyes."*
*"I'm never gonna hear the end of this."*
 
After about fifteen minutes, my eyes finally stopped burning. And on top of that, no C.O. ever even walked by to do rounds. Apparently he was just walking past the barracks.
 
TL;DR: I inadvertently pissed in my own eyes.
 
 
Edit: formatting
 
 
Edit 2: to clear up the Visine mixup.
I put it in a Visine bottle so it'd be small enough to stick in my waistband, sock, etc. to hide it.
They'd do what they call "shakedowns" and search your whole room. It could be a random one to scare people, or because they got a tip. But you'd come back to your room and find everything upside down and thrown around.
So with my "genius logic" a bottle of Visine wouldn't look suspicious where it's supposed to be (as long as they didn't notice it wasn't clear with a quick glance) in a medicine cabinet. And, of course, I ended up grabbing the wrong one.
Call_me_Kelly: Bullshit. There is no way you can confuse a **bottle** of piss with a tiny squeezable visine container.
Edit fixed autocorrect issues and for the record when I read it there was no mention of putting piss in anything other than a bottle. It was edited to say visine bottle after I read it.
Dapper_John: I guess i should've elaborated on that part.
I put it in a Visine bottle so it'd be small enough to stick in my waistband, sock, etc. to hide it. They'd do what they call "shakedowns" and search your whole room. It could be random one to scare people, or because they got a tip. But you'd come back to your room and find everything upside down and thrown around.
So with my "genius logic" a bottle of Visine wouldn't look suspicious where it's supposed to be (as long as they didn't notice it wasn't clear with a quick glance) in a medicine cabinet. And, of course, I ended up grabbing the wrong one.
 
Edit: added to story to prevent any other confusion
Call_me_Kelly: How would you get enough clean piss out of a visine bottle to pass a drug test? Still calling bull shit.
HopelessSemantic: They don't actually need a lot of pee for a test.
M4ltodextrin: You need to provide at least 15 ml of sample. And, if it's like the actual US military, someone will watch you while you piss.
HopelessSemantic: They make 15 ml bottles of visine. I don't know whether they watch you pee, but I'd think not since it's not actually the military.
| 7 | 7.428571 | |
1410533689 | 1410645994 | t3_2g7dyx | t5_2to41 | 1,262 | ccolezero: TIFU by being too honest with a pregnant woman
TIFU. My roommate's older brother and recently-pregnant-with-first-child wife live close by and regularly have us over for dinner, drinks, to play board games, whatever. We went over last night to watch the football game and hangout. I got to talking to the wife about her pregnancy and how everything is going. Since this is her first child she's being very cautious with everything. She won't go anywhere near deli meats, they gave their cat away to avoid parasites, cheese is off limits, the list goes on and on. In an effort to help her relax, my roommate's brother booked a weekend getaway at a really nice beachfront hotel & spa a few hours away. However, being a dumb ass, I turn to her just as we're about to leave for the night and say, "be careful down there, it's really close to a nuclear power plant." She sort of just smiled and said "thanks, I'll try." This morning I found out after we left she flipped the fuck out and canceled the NON-REFUNDABLE trip to stay out of harms way. My roommate's brother is very pissed, wife is pissed, roommate thinks I'm an idiot. I guess I can kiss my free meals and game nights goodbye...
somnodoc: So some of the things she's avoiding are reasonable, but canceling a trip because of a nuclear power plant is absurd. Why is it so hard for people to understand radiation, a well maintained nuclear power plant poses no risk to an unborn child nor their parents.
Radiation is everywhere! Light is a form of radiation...
SlothQuest: > a well maintained nuclear power plant poses no risk
Actually, it does pose a risk. That risk is just very small and not necessarily something to worry over.
> Radiation is everywhere! Light is a form of radiation...
True, but ultraviolet radiation from the sun and ionizing radiation are two different things. We experience both every day, as they are present in the natural environment. They can, however, be dangerous or even fatal at high enough levels.
So yea... being vague and misleading is not going to reassure people. Your point that this woman had little to worry about is correct, but you shouldn't try to comfort people by misrepresenting facts.
**Edit:**
Because a lot of people seem to be misinterpreting what I am saying, please let me clarify. When I say "[a well-maintained nuclear power plant] does pose a risk," understand what I mean. There is some (extremely small) chance of an accident, mechanical malfunction, or damage from natural disaster that could lead to the nuclear power plant posing a risk to public safety.
This risk is very tiny, especially if the plant is designed and operated properly. It is not something I would personally worry about, and I am not an opponent of nuclear power.
The reason why I was responding to /u/somnodoc's comment is because I felt he was misrepresenting the risks of nuclear power, however small they might be. Yes, radiation is everywhere in nature, but the type of radiation and levels are not necessarily the same as those that can be potentially emitted by a man-made nuclear power plant.
Also, nuclear power is not 100% risk-free. There are definitely risks, though they can be managed. It is fair to say that the public is not well-educated about nuclear power, and I believe that only a truthful representation of the technology will lead to progress. "Oh it's fine, absolutely no risk at all!" is not an accurate assessment. That's all I meant.
dakamaainakid: Responding to your edit:
Stop trying to turn your nonsense into sense. Nobody thinks nuclear power is without risk. You have built a straw man to blame for your stupidity. Just stop spouting nonsense and you won't have to make up fake outrage to defend yourself.
SlothQuest: What did I say above the edit that is false, exactly? And how is it false?
dakamaainakid: Pregnant women are not at risk from a nuclear plant. Period. Your bullshit "statistic" that they are at risk from a nuclear accident is absolute nonsense. Nobody is claiming that nuclear energy is risk free. But a pregnant woman driving to the beach is in no way at risk of a nuclear accident. The odds against during any random couple of hours she is at the beach are so infinitesimal that they should be considered zero. You are claiming to champion "full knowledge" concerning the nuclear power industry while simultaneously grossly inflating a particular pregnant woman's risk of radiation injury to her fetus while she fucking drives by a power plant. Just shut up with your bullshit, already.
SlothQuest: First of all, what's with all the negativity? All I asked is that you clarified your statement so I could understand your point. Thank you for doing so! There is no need to tell me to shut up or be so rude.
Back to the debate. Okay, so your opinion is that when a probability or number is extremely small, it should be rounded down to zero and not even be considered. I, along with quite a few mathematicians and scientists, would strongly disagree. In science, even very tiny numbers can make a difference.
For example, in chemistry, elements in a mixture or solution are often measured in numbers as tiny as *parts per billion*. Beryllium is a human carcinogen. If more than 4 parts per billion occur in the water supply, it can cause intestinal lesions! So a number as small as .000000004 can be the difference between safe water and severe health problems.
The situation is similar with nuclear power. The probability of an accident is extremely small, but historically that small chance has still led to thousands of deaths from radiation exposure and cancer. Almost all of those cases are from Chernobyl.
Are you saying those people didn't actually die and that their proximity to that plant wasn't what put them at risk?
I am not trying to scare anyone or exaggerate the facts. If you study deaths caused by other types of energy production, nuclear-related deaths are hardly noticeable. At the same time, though, we *must* understand the risks and be certain that the proper safeguards are in place to protect public health. Those risks are small due to these considerations, not in spite of them.
dakamaainakid: There is no debate. You have grossly overstated her danger and invented a controversy where there is none. Shut up, already.
SlothQuest: Sigh. I don't think you even read my original comment before responding to it. I never said she was in any great danger. I said there was a very small risk. Clearly you don't want to have an intellectual conversation about it and would prefer being ignorant and needlessly rude. Have fun with that.
dakamaainakid: Shut it.
SlothQuest: No :)
dakamaainakid: Shhhh. I've got a whole bag of Shhhh here for you.
| 12 | 105.166667 | |
1410533966 | 1410542497 | t3_2g7efu | t5_2to41 | 8 | PeacockDoom: TIFU by providing a customer advice on the clothes he was trying on
So this didn't actually happen today, but is one of my favorite innocent fuck-ups.
I used to work at a large mall department store, in the men's clothing department. My role consisted mostly of folding clothes, trying to sell credit cards to customers, advising them on their poor clothing choices, folding more clothes, and working the cash register.
One day I was making the rounds as usual, and made my way into the fitting rooms to pick up the hourly inordinate pile of shirts and pants left there by the unruly masses of middle aged men that we had grown accustomed to.
As I entered the fitting room, I noticed a man checking himself out in the mirror that was set up there for that purpose. He noticed me walking in, and immediately asked me for advice;
"How does this look on me?"
A quick glance at his shirt was enough for me to realize that he had made a piss-poor choice when selecting it for potential purchase.
"Well to be honest, sir" I replied confidently,"the shirt really isn't the right fit for you; the shoulders are far too large, the color is unflattering for your skin tone, and the shirt is too short - it'll look like a belly shirt if you ever have to raise your arms. However, we do have a large selection of shirts that would be perfect for you, and I'd be glad to help you select a more appropriate fit"
Without missing a beat, the customer replied;
"Oh no, the shirt's mine. I was asking about the pants"
It was as though someone had dropped a bucket full of ice on my head. My confidence now shattered, all I managed to say was
"I.. uh.. the pants are nice!"
I then walked/ran out of there and cowered behind the cash register for the next hour.
Gefl: You should of sold him a new shirt.
PeacockDoom: I was too embarrassed to think at that point. Retail - not for me.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410533749 | 1410535863 | t3_2g7e2f | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU-Dicks.com is not the same as dickssportinggoods.com - HARD LESSON
xbricks: You must not be a very seasoned internet user.
[deleted]: Actually quite the contrary. It was like when you lock the keys in your car and you realize your doing it as you shut the door and your like OH FUCK NOOOOO!!!! I can't believe I am doing this but its already happening!!!!! NOOOO!!!!
xbricks: Still, Dicks.com man? You had to have known that might not lead you where you want to be.
[deleted]: U'd think someone in Marketing would have said, we need to get that domain? Notice I didn't post it in Today I didn't fuck up.
I wasn't quite thinking clearly. As soon as I pushed enter on the keyboard, the realization of what I had done had surfaced. It wasn't like the page loaded and I started looking around the subsections for archery equipment going where the fuck is the archery. or even WOW dicks sporting goods has really gotten edgy. I Back Buttoned it out and went on to live my life. There is no real emotional damage. I decided to live my life and am just going to have to accept it. My browser history is tainted now. Thank you Delete Browser History for restoring me to good health again.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410531869 | 1410535049 | t3_2g7b03 | t5_2to41 | 4 | keyblader2221: TIFU by not waking up to my alarm
This happened this morning, so it is truly a TIFU post.
I decided I wanted to take a shower this morning instead of the night before, so I set my alarm to 5:30 instead of 6:00. I wake up at 6:26 and instantly jump out of bed. I throw on my clothes, etc, while my phone is kept on my nightstand next to my bed. Before I leave, I go to grab my phone and try to turn around instantly and my phone slips out of my hand and lands on my bed after a two foot drop. It should be fine...right? ^Nope.
I have to make a 7:11 train and live 20 minutes away. I leave at 6:48 and get there a few minutes before the train leaves. As I get on the train, I realize a few things:
1. No belt
2. Two buttons on shirt missing
3. Didn't lock car doors
4. Phone still broken
Minor things, not too bad. I get to my stop and have to transfer trains. As I do this, I take my time because I'm playing with my broken phone trying to fix it. Because of this, I miss the train and have to wait 8 minutes for the next one. ~~Fuck this, I'll be late for work I should just quit now~~ I can wait.
I get off at my stop. As I leave the station, some random man walks over (clearly homeless) and continues to tell me about his "story" of how his mother was jumped and raped and her wallet was stolen. He proceeded to ask for 8 bucks. I couldn't do anything, even if I wanted to, since I have no cash. I continue on to Dunkin Donuts to get my daily coffee and muffin. As I walk out, the man continues to berate me about spending money like that, yet not "helping" someone in need...I mean, it's not my fault I only have a card and can spend my money how I want!
Finally, I show up 15 minutes late to work.
tl;dr Didn't wake up in time, phone failed as I tried to hurry, mess up a few things since I hurried, berated by homeless man, and was late to work.
abrosis: Luckily you weren't that late, shame about your phone though.
I once woke up at 1pm, was meant to be at work at 9am. I almost considered quitting, then faking that I was in Hospital. I can relate to you on that front.
keyblader2221: I thought I was going to be a solid 30 minutes late at the very least. If I missed my 7:11 train, I would've had to wait an hour for the next one...But 1pm, holy crap.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410535104 | 1410545249 | t3_2g7gcz | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting a guy who seemed just a bit too excited.
So last weekend I went up to a university to party with some of my friends. Backstory, I am a senior in undergrad applying to grad school right now. So I go meet up with some friends, and get a little buzzed at this party. I meet a guy from out of state and check it out he's applying to the same programs as me. So we start talking and one of my friends (J as referred to later on) and I exchange numbers with this guy (D). So the party gets too crowded, and we start heading out to a bar to meet up with some other friends.
From the party departed me and 4 friends, the important ones we shall call D(The guy), J, and R. We get to the club and D gets really talky with everyone. He starts buying drinks, and just is talking with everyone. I on the other hand have my other friends come and I sit in between the two groups so I'm talking to these guys and D, J, and R at the same time. we all get pretty trashed and it's a roaring good time. about 10 minutes before we start leaving R starts holding my hand and leaning on me and all that jazz. Drunk as I was, I still knew what I was doing, so I kinda pushed her away and avoided as best I could. Fast forward to leaving the club, we're all walking home and my friends that came to the club were kinda giving me shit for not going after this girl. I said eh fuck it, not feeling it, and we continued to walk back. Split up from those friends and decided to walk back R, J and D because they were stumbling all over the place. Thus, more R getting touchy, and me kinda avoiding.
I walk back to my other friends' apartment and tell them details of the night. One of my friends deems my encounter unsuccessful and proceeds to grab the phone and text R about how much I miss her and that I've been thinking about her. My drunken self was too absorbed in whatever was happening in that apartment to realize the drama that would ensue if I let this continue. After sobering up a bit I grabbed my phone and I realized that D texted me. He said not to go back with R, so I assumed he saw what happened and I thought all was good and done. Oh boy was I wrong, I saw that D was continually texting me throughout the night. He even asked me out at one point. I am a male, and not even remotely homosexual, so being a nice guy I just mildly continue the conversation and say yo we can chill if you want. (He just interviewed and I really wanted to find out about it)
Next morning wake up, hangover free somehow. Drunken me knows how to take care of myself. Look at my phone, and I see that I have calls from R and D. R wants a ride home, and I just clear up the stuff my friend said and continue that conversation. D on the other hand is still going at it. I assume he just really wants to talk about graduate school, so I just play it off. Drive back home with people and I'm too tired to go chill with D because he lives a ways away. I tell him that I can't hang, and he leaves it at that, but continues texting me for the next few days. The texts seemed a tad desperate also. On Tuesday he said what's up, and I neglected to respond. The next day he says oh my god, no way? must have been insane. When I asked what he meant, he said "oh I thought you must have had a crazy day, so that's why you didn't respond." A day or so after, he asked me if he could call instead of texting. Overall I was a little creeped out, but it's not like he even lived in my state and I really wanted to know about that interview.
He called my, but I was eating so I didn't pick up. I consulted with some friends, and we all came to the same conclusion that he was bi (We saw him almost get with a few girls at the party). So I tell J about this situation and she was dying of laughter. Once she calmed down she said that D had called her earlier too. We're all very confused about the whole thing so then the next day J says she'll call him back the next day. I go to class and come back to my room and hop on to my computer for some of dat reddit. J bursts into the room guffaws ablaze. She screams "HAHAHA HE THINKS YOU'RE GAY." Confused, I ask what happened. Turns out D's stupid ass saved mine and J's number under J's name. He was texting me thinking he was texting her for almost a week. D had also talked to his cousin (whose party we went to) and they came to the consensus that I was gay. I just sighed and continued to reddit saying I'll deal with it later. I text him and clear up the situation with him and his cousin. Looking back the only name exchanged in those texts was his. Nothing else was specified.
Moral of the story: Make sure you know who you're texting and that they know too...
kender00: SO wait, what about J? or was it R? and what about the D? Also about how many R's would it take to make a D J? And don't forget to include a few M's.
MilkVetch: Yeeaaa I'm lost. Why does he think you're gay if he didn't even know he was talking to you
| 3 | 1 | |
1410535103 | 1410543181 | t3_2g7gcs | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my security badge at work
I exit my car, grab my bag, my coffee, and attach my security badge to my belt loop. Normally I use the 2nd belt loop to the right of the fly, but today, with my hands full of coffee, keys, phone, the easiest loop to reach was the 1st belt loop to the right of the button to my jeans.
I approach the security door, extend my badge (it's on one of those elastic lines that stretches out, and retracts automatically). I extend it out, swipe it over the sensor, and let it go, as I do every M-F.
Well, given that I had clipped it 1 belt loop closer to my crotch, my badge ID begins to retract, accelerates, and the corner of it accelerates right into the tip of my dick.
It stung, and I dropped my coffee in reaction, spilling it all over the entryway mat. Got to my desk, dropped off my stuff, and went to the restroom to check for damage. There's a bruise forming just to the right of my pee hole :(
I'll make sure to go back to using a belt loop more on the side from now on :/
TL;DR - let my extended security badge retract via it's spring-loaded system, badge recoiled into my junk.
leotards_for_boys: I feel bad for you, but there needs to be a rule against TIFU stories involving genitals.
[deleted]: Well, if it hit my arm, I wouldn't have really cared so much.
a_d_d_e_r: Every man gets hit in the penis and testicles now and then. Fact of life, not a fuck up.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1410535566 | 1410537658 | t3_2g7h6f | t5_2to41 | 7 | ThatDumbChick420: Tifu by walking in on my best friends dad in the shower.
Like most "TIFU" this happened a couple of nights ago. And is still terribly embarrassing.
I was at my best friends house when we decided to play some beer pong. Several rounds in, I'm already tipsy, and I have to pee so bad I can't stand it.
I, very wobbly, excuse myself and make my way to the bathroom.
My friend and I are very close, I'm at his house nearly everyday, I'm even pretty close with his family, So when I saw the bathroom light on I thought nothing of walking on in and doing my thing like I have a million times before.
The door was cracked slightly so not a bad idea right? Wrong.
I stumble to the toilet, drop my panties, sit, and attempt to pee.
For some reason it was taking me a moment to relieve myself and I'm starting to think I'm a little more intoxicated than I first thought.
I start to get a stream going a little when I see something moving the bottom of the shower curtain. ( which is right in front of my now porcelain throne )
Confused and wondering if his cat got stuck in the shower, I lean forward from the toilet and pull the edge of the curtain back, expecting to see the cat playing at the bottom of the tub.
Instead my eyes were greeted by the sight of my best friends dads naked ass.
Being slightly intoxicated, I sat there a second in horror and let the curtain go. Not believing what I have just seen, I'm still in shock.
His dad pokes his head out of the curtain and then quickly back in and exclaims that he thought I was his wife using the toilet.
At this point I'm bright red. I stop my pee stream, wipe, flush, and pull myself together as fast as I can. I blurt out several versions of "I'm sorry" before running out and hiding in my friends room for the next forty ish minutes.
That's been about two nights ago and currently we've just been trying to avoid each other whenever I'm over.
I'm not sure if he told anyone about our awkward bathroom meeting, but I sure as hell did not.
TIFU and saw my best friends dads ass.
rwfforever: So you had to piss bad but still stopped your pee stream right in the middle? That's talent. Didn't hurt to do that?
ThatDumbChick420: Being as embarrassed and as tipsy as I was, nope. And it was fairly easy and quick once I had realized what happened.
rwfforever: Were you just embarassed that you saw him? Or also embarassed that he saw/heard you in a pretty awkward state yourself?
ThatDumbChick420: Both, not to mention that I was pretty embarrassed I hadn't noticed anyone in the shower when I walked in. The curtain isn't see through, but I never even heard him make a noise. The bathroom door was open however, and cracked a bit.
So I assumed it was empty. And I assumed wrong.
rwfforever: Eh you were tipsy. No biggie haha. Surprised you were able to go back to your friend and act like nothing happened.
ThatDumbChick420: I suppose so, but I imagine it will still be awkward for a while haha
| 7 | 1 | |
1410535697 | 1410569101 | t3_2g7heo | t5_2to41 | 8 | Elbareth: TIFU by telling my mother I "love" her
I'm 22 now and since I was about 16 I've been "in love" with my mother, but not in the normal mother-son kind of way. I know per the rules, this sort of thing isn't allowed, but it's not necessarily anything obscene, so I'll attempt at it anyway (apologies if I'm still in the wrong).
For the past two years since I've moved out of the house I haven't spoken to my mother because the feelings have intensified and manifested themselves even stronger than before. I knew this was hurting her feelings a lot, and she even told my grandpa that she thinks I don't love her anymore. So I finally took a trip back home to see her.
This morning I finally got home and I sat her down and straight apologized for the last two years and she burst into tears. I was dying inside because I didn't quite know how to react but I wanted to be honest with her. I asked if I told her something weird if she would still love me, no matter how weird it was, and she said of course. Well, I told her the truth, about my feelings and how I actually feel about her. She immediately got very panicky and her face turned white and she started sobbing saying I was freaking her out and told me to leave. It's been a few hours and I'm sitting in this hotel room very upset.
Made a new account just for this, no way I'm getting associated with my regular one.
Guess I'm just unsure of what to do at this point. I'm not familiar with advice subreddits, but maybe I should have posted there. :(
McMezmer: It think she'll come around. She's just shocked. This is probably the last thing she expected. Give her some time for her to take it all in then call her and tell her that you want things to be okay between you and that you'll do what it takes.
Elbareth: As I just said to another user, she called me earlier and said to never speak to her again.
McMezmer: Time heals all wounds. As does flowers on mothers day. I firmly believe that once a mother loves her child it is very difficult to break that bond for good. I'm sorry you're going through this and hopefully she's just overreacting.
Elbareth: Guess we'll see. :/
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410536341 | 1410538227 | t3_2g7ijs | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU- These 8 things all happened on 9-11-14 1) underpaid my credit card by 11 bucks, misses deadline 2) step-sister-in-law dies, no one tells me, I miss the funeral, 3) washing clothes also washed iPod….
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: was your step,sister hot?
schwacr01: She was totally hot, my step brother left another women for her and she was tall, strikingly exotic and fun.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: do you know how she died? sorry I'm curious
schwacr01: dreaded breast cancer
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: awh. damn. did she have sisters .
| 6 | 1 | |
1410536458 | 1410570903 | t3_2g7irx | t5_2to41 | 509 | kaenneth: TIFU by telling my boyfriend what I would do with his dead body.
My boyfriends 30 year old cousin died last week, and he asked me what I would do if he died. I looked into his eyes and told him I would have molds taken of his body, and have a Real Doll made of him to cuddle with, and keep his ashes inside.
Now he won't talk to me.
Nunoporing: He clearly doesn't appreciate your love, he doesn't deserve you babe
KatzOfficial: pls respond
Jiveturtle: respond pls op
[deleted]: (´･ω･`)
emofes: Stupid. Fucking. Hamster Face.
Soft_Hearted_Devil: Stupid fucking comments in general. First response is "pls respond" OH HAVEN'T HEARD THAT 4 MILLION FUCKING TIMES.
This whole website sucks. The content is the same. The comments are the same. The complaints are the same. Everything is a broken record.
Why the fuck am I still here? *I have no fucking clue anymore.*
PerturbedPelican: /r/gonewild
How do you feel now?
pls respond
OppressedMinor: Pls respond
| 9 | 56.555556 | |
1410536237 | 1410642971 | t3_2g7ied | t5_2to41 | 274 | Tunadude: TIFU by using the Navy Seal copypasta.
So like many colleges these days, mine has a confession page on facebook. Someone made a post regarding the military, I don't remember the specifics. Some guy commented that the poster must be national guard and marines are better or some bullshit. So I replied with the navy seal copypasta, but removed all the swears so I wouldn't get banned from the page. Everyone thought it was funny in the comments. Some people were like "I remember that joke" or "what year is it? 2010?" So I thought I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
This morning I get a call from campus police. The guy didn't get or know about the joke, and filed a complaint against me. He even had the choice of filing "assault by fear" charges against me or something but thankfully he said he wouldn't. So I had to sit there and explain to the officer (who was great by the way, on my side the whole time. I don't think we get enough stories on reddit about GOOD police officers) I explained it was a joke, showed him the "know your meme" page about it, deleted the comment and even messaged the guy apologizing right there for him. He said he still had to send the report to the Dean of Students or something, but from my story they may or may not even bother with it.
But still, it's probably gonna go on some record anyway and I might have the re-explain everything AGAIN to that dean. Remember kids, not everyone spends as much time on the internet as you and gets all the jokes.
Falcon9857: He was worried about your training in "gorilla warfare"?
Tunadude: Turns out the guy is actually in the marines.
KatzOfficial: I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.
Tunadude: The fact that the people defending our country can't recognize a joke that obvious doesn't make me feel very good.
HV_GROWTH: they're trained to shoot things and intimidate people.
They're not trained in social skills.
Seems like this guy just too it super personally and took the passive aggressive/weak way to try to make you rethink "misrepresenting" the armed forces. Classic idiot brawn.
I personally don't want someone defending me or my country who confuses their national pride with their personal identity.
whatpointisaname: You're looking into this WAY too much. The guy didn't know it was a copypasta. Imagine you left an innocent comment on facebook only to be attacked by some random guy threatening to kill you. Those are the types of peoples that shoot up schools and go on murder sprees.
If you don't want a rational person defending the country I suggest you migrate.
HV_GROWTH: >Those are the types of peoples that shoot up schools and go on murder spreees.
Those ones are already unstable, also because they have the scope of their personal identity confused as well.
> confuses their national pride with their personal identity
Is confused at the scope and the reaches of their personal identity.
If you're offended, because you feel somehow associated with the armed forces that's your scope of identity -- not mine.
I prefer not to be "defended" by brawn that can be easily manipulated by political scum who has an alterior motive, and no duty to fight for themselves.
If you can't see the distinction in your identity or its implied reactive components to be used to make you or people you know the meat shield instead of the political scumbags; I don't have the time of day for you.
Good day chap, I'm still 'murican, and I still will consider armed forces confused brutes.
HomieDOESPlayDat: You forgot to tip your fedora.
| 9 | 30.444444 | |
1410535355 | 1410537812 | t3_2g7gty | t5_2to41 | 7 | DarkLordShrek: TIFU by helping my sister overcome her fear of the ocean.
This happened around July. My sister had her freshman orientation for college, and her college is located not even 30 minutes away from Virginia Beach. Due to the short distance to the beach, our family decided to go there to get some fresh air. My sister is deathly afraid of water, and she would only hang out on the pier or high parts of sand. I encouraged her to come down to the ocean, and at least stick her feet in the water. She luckily got out of the water a bit later. Later on, I decided to have some fun in the ocean. I stood in the water for a while, but my leg fell asleep. The highest wave of the day came and crashed right on top of me, and I could do absolutely nothing about it. I would have almost drowned if a lifeguard didn't pay attention to me.
TLDR: Almost drowned by ridding her fear of oceanwater, now I have a fear of oceanwater.
scarecrowprince: Virginia Beach :) ...you probably should be afraid of the water now lol, I don't remember the waves there being all that big.
DarkLordShrek: It just depends on the day. Most days the waves aren't real notable, but there are those odd days where the ocean goes a lot higher than it should, and waves are bigger.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410539084 | 1410546950 | t3_2g7nct | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by initiating morning sex with my girlfriend
xxStitchxx: This is whats wrong with TIFU. GTFO.
PM_ME_YOUR_NITS: Not all thats wrong with it... sorry to degrade your experiential fiction.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410540202 | 1410540712 | t3_2g7pdn | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by melting a patients cornea.
Had a patient come in today, picking up his rigid gas permeable contact lenses. (Hard contacts.) Before we place these in a patients eye, we condition them using a special conditioner which gets rid of calcium deposits, dirt, etc. However this conditioner is not like your normal contact lens solution. It specifically has a red bottle cap and says do not put in eye.
Well in all my brilliance, I am cleaning the contact with this conditioner, which normally I would rinse off heavily in water then follow it with a lubricating solution; when I have a total brain fart, and rinse it off with water, then place a drop of the CLEANER into the patients contacts, which I quickly then place in the patients eye.
Chaos ensues, patient screams in pain and tries to rip contact out, I sit there baffled wondering what the hell is going on, patient finally gets contact out, I get the doctor who comes in, quickly diagnoses the issue, and proceeds to look at my like the dumbass I am.
Needless to say, the patient is leaving without their contacts, with some steroid drops to help the cornea heal, and will not be wearing contacts for another 2-4 weeks.
Oops.
TL;DR: Cleaning contacts, Brain fart, melt patients cornea.
StartWithConfidence: Damn. I hope you're given another chance.
lukemasters: I am! I mean it sucks, but accidents happen. Once we explained what happened the patient was fine. It's not as though there is irreparable damage or anything, it's not actually "melted" but that's the term that came to mind when writing this. They were pain free by the time they left,but the cornea has to heal
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410540966 | 1410553697 | t3_2g7q2z | t5_2to41 | 7 | KesselsWife: I always drank from the hose as a kid because I didn't want to go inside and risk chores. I prefer to imagine that it built my immune system.
cincE3030: Just like not washing your hands after using the bathroom!
me_team: Or avoiding the use of toilet paper when you wipe!
cincE3030: whoa whoa whoa, that's a little too far!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410536789 | 1410554168 | t3_2g7jbg | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my neighbors my erect penis
So today, Friday (Turneth up), I didn't have school (Due to reasons). I'm a sophomore and almost every sophomore despises school with a burning passion deep in the bowels of the soul, except for those overly enthusiastic kids that are successful in life and blah blah blah. So anyway, there I am chilling out at the crib, in my room, ready to seize the day. At about 11:00AM I think to myself, "I gotta celebrate the occasion...". So out comes the computer and voila! Porn time. I was ready to slay some bitches with my meat sword but that was the next best thing. So here I am takin' my sweet time, flipping through the channels, when about 5 minutes into my me time i realize my window is open. My room, and my bed, where I was sitting, are in plain view of the road. Like perfect view. "Fuck," I think, "Hopefully nobody saw me..." and then I'm sure you can put two and two together. I turned my head and my gaze met my two neighbors (A couple in there 40's) walking their dogs on the road with a perfect view of the show. My weapon of ass destruction instantly fell limp. There I was, with my pants across the room, staring directly into the eyes of my neighbors that I had suddenly become very close with. I was like a deer in headlights. No, it was as if I was being judged in front of the Lord himself. Frozen. They immediately turned away in horror and I dove out of site. When I peaked back out the window, no sign of them. To make matters even better, last year the wife was attacked by my dog. He ripped off her thumb and it took about 5 surgeries to fix. Needless to say we had to get rid of sparky :( He's probably off frolicking on some farm, biting more thumbs off right about now. We hadn't even spoken since sparky decided to get cocky. So they already kind of hate my family. So here I am, once again. It's 11:38. Two people have already seen my womb raider and it's not even noon. Not always a bad thing but the neighborhood Halloween party is going to be off the charts awkward.
Today I fucked up by celebrating no school with getting to know myself a little better while my neighbors had front row seats to the show
[deleted]: 1. Close blinds
2. Yell "Hello, anybody home?"
3. Push a piece of furniture, preferaby heavy, against any possible points of entry
4. Brandish the old rigid vagina vanquisher
5. Bury paper towels a couple layers down in the rubbish bin
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: >rigid vagina vanquisher
I'm not sure how or when, but this will incorporated into my vernacular.
[deleted]: It's hard, but it will be very satisfying when you manage to slide it in.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1410541673 | 1410544353 | t3_2g7s19 | t5_2to41 | 53 | lowestpointinlife: TIFU by having my friend hospitalized and getting suspended from my Uni
When I went back to Uni a few weeks ago after summer break, my friends and I decided to take some acid to start the year off. We all got our money together, the 6 of us, and bought 2 or 3 tabs each from a friend's connect. We decided to do it on labor day weekend, specifically on Sunday. Of the six of us, my friend, let's call him Sam, and I went home for the weekend separately, with plans to come back on Sunday morning and take our tabs with everyone.
Sunday comes and I wasn't able to come back to campus until around 3PM, later than I had preferred and Sam had come an hour earlier. When I entered my room, everyone had taken their tabs and told me they were trippin hard. Oh and when I came back, my friend, say Tom, who doesn't go to the school had driven me, to stay the night and hang out. Because of that, I didn't want to take my tabs anymore, considering I had a guest and it'd be rude to take them with him just hanging around. So I just let everyone do their things and Tom and I just started playing some videogames while we unwind from our car ride. Around 5 or so, one of the kids who were tripping barged into my room, all panicked and said he saw Sam outside on the ground, lying still, and didn't know what was wrong with him. I thought it must be nothing but I still rushed out anyway. When I came out, another random kid was standing over Sam, saying he had called 911 and the ambulance was on their way. I looked down at Sam and he was somewhat conscious; he looked me in the eyes with a dead stare and didn't respond to me calling his name. I gave a few slaps in his face but he was still unresponsive. Then, he started seizing. Tom and I flipped him over to his side (he was facing up before) and held his head still so he wouldn't bash it while he was seizing. I was terrified. He was having trouble breathing and his face was turning purple. He had cuts and scratches on his arms from jumping around in the bushes apparently.
The EMT arrived soon and took over. We gave them some information about Sam and the fact that he'd taken acid and they took him away. We immediately went to the emergency room where they had taken him and waited for some answers. All we got was that he was not doing good.
I beat myself up thinking about not taking care and monitoring him during all this, but at the time I didn't think anyone would need babysitting; he had only taken 2 tabs, which I really thought was harmless.
Fast forward two weeks. He learned that some of Sam's organs failed and he was in a coma. It was hard for all of us in the building, we're a close community.
Then yesterday, multiple police officers came to the building and asked four of us who had planned to trip together to come to the station informally just to get some things cleared up. We wanted to cooperate and help. However, when we got there, they separated us, took our phones and made us tell the complete story truthfully. We spent 5 hours and gave them all the information. I was just scared to lie. At the end, an officer made us wait more and called us in individually and told us we were getting suspended from the school for endangering others around us, specifically Sam. He yelled and threatened us that he would serve justice and put us all in jail. My heart dropped when I heard all this because I never considered myself a bad person and he made me feel like the lowest scum walking on earth. It was really hard on me that one of my closest friend was in critical condition and now there are further consequences. I don't know what to do except get lawyered up. I feel this tremendous feeling of guilt and shame and fear.
chicoffee: TYFU by even talking to the police in this situation, never never EVER do so without lawyering up first!
lowestpointinlife: That's a lesson learned the hard way
Mysteriouspaul: Yeah that was a noob move. The second the police said they just wanted you to "informally clear things up" you should've instantly translated that police speak into "Come to the station so we can try and convict you of something"
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1410540367 | 1410574391 | t3_2g7pnu | t5_2to41 | 14 | kjewell27: TIFU by tearing my mcl.
Back story. June 24th I had complete tissue reconstruction of my left knee. They also added two donor tendons and moved the patelaformal ligament to the inner side of my tibula. Anyways on Tuesday, at work. (FedEx ground) I was hit at an odd angle, causing the repaired knee to dislocate. Which it shouldn't. Regardless I felt a tear, I thought.I finally go see my Dr.whom is another state. Right away he says you tore your mcl. MRI. Come back on Monday. Well talk about surgery.
Mind you I just had one in June. I already planned for one in may of 2015. Had two previous ACL surgerys. Shattered my left femur. There is now a rod. And ill probably fail my drug test because I cant find my prescription to some pills.
TIFU- by not seeing someones package fall causing me to possibly lose my job.
SirEsqVonLmfao: You shouldn't lose your job over this, an MCL rupture (I'm assuming the it's completely torn) is quite a nasty injury (ruined my LCL, MCL, and ACL playing football) that effects your ability to perform at your job. The injury was sustained on the clock, so they are responsible for putting you in a situation where this can happen (not really their fault, but you wouldn't be there if it wasn't your job). Contact your HR, or union rep about the injury - you might even get help paying for any surgeries that you might need.
kjewell27: Their trying to put this back on me and my surgery from June. Now I havent finished any work comp papers and those should be filed that day or 48 hours later. Its now Friday. I go in on Monday when I finish my appointment. To do the work comp papers. What should I do. Please help, even spread the word if possible. Thank you guys for the information
SirEsqVonLmfao: Just do what you can, because the argument for your case is solid.
However, if you didn't inform the workplace of previous injuries, or neglected to get an appointment for surgery (I live in Canada, so sometimes it can take awhile - being non-life-threatening and all), you might have issues making any claims. I am unfamiliar with HR policies for American companies, but a visit to your HR department or union head (if you are in one) could clarify things, they will tell you exactly what to do.
If you didn't file your papers in time you might be screwed. I have no idea, sorry.
Maybe someone from America can chime in?
kjewell27: They knew all before had been there four years. They knew about the surgery. I had been released from the doctor will work ability. They obviously dont want to pay for it. I get that.
SirEsqVonLmfao: Yeah, they are likely going to try everything they legally can to avoid responsibility. Did you happen to take any pictures of the area it happened? It might seem odd, but at least you would be able to show them exactly how it happened. It's not much, but any proof is good proof.
I guess universal health care isn't so bad after all... I have never paid a cent for anything, including rehabilitation (although that specifically is due to health insurance - which is the only thing that they actually had to pay lol).
I hope someone from America can give you proper advice... I really don't want to mislead you.
kjewell27: Unable to bring anything into work its FedEx so it could be possible thief if I did. So no pictures
SirEsqVonLmfao: Harsh. I'm afraid I can't help much more than I already have. :/
Good luck though, shit sucks.
kjewell27: Hey any advice helps thank you
| 9 | 1.555556 | |
1410542326 | 1410553383 | t3_2g7t7y | t5_2to41 | 14 | TIFUThrowaway420: TIFU by giving a girl weed
So as many other stories, this did not happen today, it happened when I was 15 so about 6 years ago now.
I lived in a fairly small suburban town, not super big, but growing rapidly. I was in my sophomore year of high school and I had stayed home this particular day from school because me and my ex had just broken up and I didn't feel like dealing with it. Later that night my friend (we'll call him Chong) calls me up saying he just picked up some dank weed and that he was with Mary, and Jane(obviously not their real names) wondering if they could "cheer me up". I decide hell yea that sounds like a great idea. So Mary picks us up in her car and we drive to a neighborhood that was being developed but ran out of money with the housing market crash. So it was just a bunch of empty lots in a secluded area. No street lights, no cops(it was a regular place of ours), and no one to worry about.
So we all get out of the car and smoke quite a few bowls. So we're now quite baked and want McDonalds. We drive over to the local Mcdonalds because ya know they're everywhere. We get our food and decide to go back to Chongs house to chillax, watch a movie, and other random shit. Now we're driving and a cop pulls out behind us, we all get kinda nervous, and so I look at the Jane and say "Hey stuff this down your bra." Because ya know, its better than any place I could put it. So she takes the weed, and does something with it. Immediately after the lights go on "Whoop Whoop". My heart sank, but I thought at the same time "Man I'm so lucky I gave it to her to put down her shirt, we might get outa this with just a traffic ticket." So we sit there, for about 3 hours, well.... Maybe my sense of time was off, might have only been 5 or 10 minutes. When they come up to the car, both officers(a second car had arrived on the scene while we were waiting). He asked "So whos weed got thrown out the window?" My immediate reaction was to glare daggers at Jane, I mouthed "what the fuck!" So they take identification from all of us and the one cop goes back to the car, meanwhile I'm trying to eat my burger the cop slams his fist on the window and tells me to "put that shit down." So I did.
Jump forward 10 minutes we're all cuffed on the curb, and Mary somehow talks her way out of it and drives off, "WTF!" The cops start getting information from us, and he gets to me. "I need your parents phone number." So at this point I'm still high as a fucking kite and as such forgot my phone number. So I ask "Uhh do you want their cell phone, or the house phone?" Trying to buy some time to remember, the cop replies "Whatever I can reach them at." I then replied "Oh you'll want the house phone then." Now before I could tell him the number, which I had finally remember, one of the other cops(known by all as a dick who hates teenagers) yelled at me "What you forget your phone number you stupid fucking stoner." To which I quite aggressively replied, "No sir, it's xxx-xxx-xxxx, happy?"
So it gets better, we'll jump forward about half an hour, we're in front of the police station and guess what? At some point during the day the police station had changed locks, so here Chong, Jane, and I sitting in front of the police station on the steps, while the cops(the only ones on duty at the time) can't get into the police station. I thought it would be a smart idea to as said dick head cop if "He had lost his key somewhere?" He got quite angry and the other cops laughed. Eventually they got ahold of a janitor to come open the doors for them, who then explained that the locks were changed, and that their new keys were on the table(inside the station).
I ended up getting it wiped from my record due to being a minor, got grounded for three weeks, had to listen to my mom bitch for about 3 or 4 centuries. Still best friends to Chong to this day, haven't spoken to Jane since that day, we had quite the falling out after the incident, and have no idea what Mary is up to.
So yea.... I fucked up.
Dinosoarman: Tldr?
MyNameIsRay: TL;DR smoked weed with friends, ultimately got pulled over in friend's car with weed. Asked girl to hide it down her shirt, she just threw it out the window, the cops saw, resulting in a funny story and a slaps on the wrist for everybody and one lost friendship.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410544382 | 1410561714 | t3_2g7ww5 | t5_2to41 | 12,071 | Goingtocollege1: TIFU by riding around in a wheelchair I found.
Today, I was riding around in a wheelchair that happened to be at my fraternity house and rolled into the parking lot as another kid in a wheel chair rolled by. He stopped and talked with me a little bit, legitimately great guy and invited me to some sort of wheelchair basketball league. I didn't know how to tell him that I am not actually crippled so now I am signed up for practice in a few hours.
Edit: Apparently, my school has won the most national wheelchair championships in the nation and is a big deal. Considering going to practice and trying to start. Can I dunk still?
Edit #2: Okay, I did some research and they have really expensive custom wheelchairs specifically for basketball and I have a generic hospital one. I roll in there they know i'm a fake. Practice is in two hours. Thank God I always miss leg day.
Final Edit: Okay. I went to practice. I fucked up. I never implied I was crippled but when I rolled in with my wheel chair it was sort of implied. It went down hill immediately when they asked me to switch to another chair I could borrow. I brought it to the hallway( told them I needed to grab my inhaler from my bag, and I actually have asthma so fuck you) and did the best paraplegic transition between wheelchairs I could manage. Why did I even go to begin with? One being sweet sweet karma and the other would be I wanted to try it out. anyways, it was going decent, except it was completely obvious I never maneuvered in a sports wheel chair let alone played basketball before. It was embarrassing as fuck, and at one point the ball landed on my nuts and I audibly cursed. It was all going decent, it was a very informal thing kind of like a pick up game but organized by some group. Long story short it just kept going worse and worse for me until I tipped over but held myself up like a tri-pod and realized i've never gotten up from this before without my legs. A few people started watching me and were going to help a crippled kid up ( me). I decided then and there I couldn't do this any longer and just stood up and actually did a sort of limp to my chair and went to the hallway. Fuck you reddit for encouraging my bad decisions.
ukrainekilla: This is your life now.
prayformojo22: Imagine when your two lives collide, walking down the street with your girlfriend or something, holding her hand, enjoying the sun, when suddenly your wheelchair basketball buddy spots you.
"Hank? Is that you?? " he'd ask.
"Yeah," you'd shrug. "I guess I have some explaining to do..."
"Yeah, really," he'd say in a disillusioned voice. "Why would you join a gay wheelchair basketball league if you're straight?"
Goingtocollege1: Well, that changes things doesn't it.
gulpeg: You could tell him it's your sister.
Goingtocollege1: Incest. nice.
RalphWaldoNeverson: Hey frat douzhe. Get the fuckorf my website.
AndPOPGoesHerCherry: You own Reddit?
RalphWaldoNeverson: I've been here since 2011. STFU
MIDI_Hendrix: Lol...oooooh. 2011, such a big shot, huh?
Tallow316: "Member for 2 months"
MIDI_Hendrix: I've made a new account every 6 months since '08.
Tallow316: Huh. why is that?
MIDI_Hendrix: I just don't care for trails. There are alot of weird people on the internet. If you don't believe me, add me to your "friends" via RES, and check back in 4 months. I will vanish and move onto a new account.
Tallow316: Hm... interesting. I'll have to remember this in the future.
MIDI_Hendrix: That's just how I feel. I don't care about Karma, and I mainly use reddit for a music sub that I mod for.
| 16 | 754.4375 | |
1410545552 | 1410846953 | t3_2g7z4c | t5_2to41 | 12 | Thedirtygongon: TIFU by cutting jalapenos
To start, I love Sriracha. I have been on a new diet (paleo) and can't have the great red stuff from the cock bottle because of the sugar and preservatives. So I found a recipe to make some myself, it's pretty simple and says it only takes about an hour. Ran to the store, picked up all the stuff I needed and got to work.
I've never cut hot peppers before, so this was a brand new experience for me. I started by stemming all of them, then cutting them in half so I could cut out the veins and deseed them. I was actually having a pretty good time doing this, a lot easier than I thought it would be. After about 15 peppers in I somehow found the juiciest spot in a jalapeno and cut it just at the right angle to launch a stream of liquid straight into my eye. I freaked out for a little bit and rinsed it out, not as big of a deal that I thought it was going to be. Finally, I finished all the cutting, veining and seeding. Everything looked great and was ready to be thrown into a blender and pureed to all hell. I have a small food processor that wouldn't be able to fit half of this stuff in there, got to run to Target and get a cheap blender.
Here's where the fun begins. I washed my hands to get all the juice and bits off before I leave, not a deep clean, just a quick wash. That's all I thought it would take to get the stuff off. Shoe's on, keys in hand, about to head out when I realize that I need to pee....
I go to the bathroom, zip up and start to leave when I start feeling a burning sensation in my pants. At first it was oddly pleasurable but soon turned into what I can only describe as a "Dragon Blowjob". In a panic I dropped my pants and thrusted my junk into the sink. Cold water didn't help. At this point my girlfriend comes home from work to see me pants down splashing water on my crotch and whimpering. I asked her to look up something to help me out in this fiery situation, so she started to Google that shit. A great idea comes to me, aloe vera works on burns so it has got to cool off my junk, right?! FUCKING WRONG! I grabbed an aloe vera wipe and try to extinguish this fire only to intensify the sensation. After about a half hour it started to subside, but still burned like hell.
Next time I'm using gloves.
Sdr4wkcab: I have touched my face, nose and under my eye, after cutting scotch bonnets and that wasn't fun. That sounds like a terrible time.
I love Sriacha and I have found an okay substitute (ingredient wise, it still not quite the same) is Franks extra hot. Only suggesting it because it is less painful to buy that than deal with not washing your hands enough.
Thedirtygongon: Scotch Bonnets are no joke, I can't imagine how that felt. The Sriracha actually came out pretty good. Not exactly the same but the colors are almost identical and the consistency is the same. Flavor wise, it's delicious.
scrisaldee: I'm guessing scotch bonnets are about as hot as habaneros? Anyways, I've done this with habaneros. And I never seem to learn. Where can I find the recipe you used?
Thedirtygongon: [Right here.](http://nomnompaleo.com/post/36060636540/paleo-sriracha-homemade-20-minute-sriracha)
scrisaldee: Thanks. The recipe even warns about wearing gloves when chopping the jalapenos!
Thedirtygongon: I know...
scrisaldee: By the way, I just made that recipe today. Came out motherfucking delicious. I decided to throw in a habanero too, so it's really hot. But awesome.
| 8 | 1.5 | |
1410546383 | 1410548228 | t3_2g80mw | t5_2to41 | 5 | thebrandster1985: TIFU by accidentally saying pussy to my female boss
I was tired, hungover, and at work; 3 of the worst combos for a happy clear minded person.
One thing to know about my boss, is she has a pretty good sense of humor, and is a fan of potty humor.
I had just arrived at work, and went into my bosses office first thing to talk about an email from the day before. She opened up her email client, but the computer crashed. So I attempted to say "Stupid PC", but somehow stumbled my words. So in an attempt to make fun of my self, I started saying PC in a few different strange ways. I said "Peeeeee-Seeeee" and then decided to go with the childish part of my brain, and say "Poo-Seeeeee" The problem is that is didn't work at all out loud like my retarded hung over brain thought it would.
So I'm standing there, after stumbling my words, then saying "PC" in a long drawn out manner, and then all of a sudden say "Pussy" as long and drawn out as possible. The instant it left my mouth I realized how it sounded. She just looked at me strangely. I imagine she thinks that I malfunctioned pretty hardcore for a second there. The worst part, not a word was said about it, which made it even more strange.
idamnedit: I wouldnt worry about it too much. I once accidentally touched my female bosses ass with my hand when she stopped short while we were walking down the street to a work lunch.
thebrandster1985: Awkward... How did she respond?
idamnedit: She said something about me grabbing her butt. I told her not to stop short.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410546317 | 1410595758 | t3_2g80id | t5_2to41 | 1,916 | Kvothe_the_kingkilla: TIFU by trying to silently fart.
I usually start every morning out with a magnesium supplement to calm my nerves. I don't eat breakfast and this usually suffices. While sitting at my desk, enjoying the fact that it is Friday and my day is pretty much work free, thus allowing me time to browse reddit and read the other TIFU story about the guy who killed his stepmoms dog (sorry about that). Anyway, I'm sitting at my desk, when I hear our stock door ring, I work in hr for a large retailer and my office is in the back so I usually get the door if no one is there. But before I get up, I feel the sudden urge to let one rip, but my co worker is in my office so as I stand up I try to silently squeak one out as I walk to the door. Unfortunately, the magnesium can also be a sort of laxative without any known stomach pain. So as I let it go, I suddenly feel shit running down my leg. Not normal shit, watery shit. Fuck. I try to act normal and I don't know what to do because the freight guy is waiting at the door so I let him in. It's a lot of freight. Fuck. So I stand there because he asks me to hold the door and I am clenched so hard trying to not to let anymore of this shit river escape. He finally drops off the freight and I run to the bathroom, only to see the the shit has stained through my pants. So I am currently hiding in the bathroom stall unsure of what to do as I write this. So this is also an SOS. HELP, TIFU by trying to fart silently.
Edit #1: I am honored by the amount of responses, I am hoping shitty watercolor shows up with a shitty watercolor of my watery shit!
numbpotato: Call mom.
Kvothe_the_kingkilla: My mom's dead
FreedomChoseMe: I bet you're great at parties
JMaboard: Naa he always shits on my couch.
punchinglines: Nobody likes a party pooper.
Makriv21: Tell that to this guy
http://www.reddit.com/r/4chan/comments/2g74zd/anon_gets_invited_to_a_party/
secretly_an_alpaca: Oh 4chan. Every time I think I'm fucking up my life they remind me that I could be doing worse.
Redditacious: > Could be worse
Comparing yourself to 4chan? Aim high son, aim high.
| 9 | 212.888889 | |
1410546602 | 1410570221 | t3_2g810n | t5_2to41 | 17 | iny0urend0: TIFU by shattering my sister's expensive rear window with my PS3
This actually happened 2 summers ago.
A bit of background info first. My sister and BIL had been married for 4 years when they hit a real rocky road, with him almost leaving her for a much younger woman. She did everything in her power to keep the marriage together and went through depression while he shamelessly hung out with the other woman. While all of her close friends & family sympathized with her situation, I was her only confidant with whom she shared all the gruesome details of how he mistreated her emotionally throughout the marriage and continued to do so.
Just a few months before my FU she was able to patch things up, with him suddenly realizing that my sister was the one for him. Things got bad because I was acting like a typical South Asian brother and my "honor" kicked in when I forbade him from entering my house. Part of my logic was that since he had previously considered me his best friend, I wanted him to feel at least an iota of the rejection my sister felt. This, along with the fact that I wanted her to divorce him, put a significant strain on my relationship with my sister, additionally fueled by the fact that he bought her [this car](http://image.internetautoguide.com/f/auto-news/the-2010-lexus-is-250c-convertible-debuts-at-the-paris-show/11050935/2010-lexus-is-250c-convertible.jpg) which I interpreted as trying to buy back her love instead of changing his overall behavior.
So here come the goods (sorry about the blah. blah, blah). We hosted a dinner party at my parents' house with a bunch of family and my sister showed up (alone) to help set everything up. This was the first time I had actually seen her new car, a Lexus IS250C (C is for hard top convertible, *this is key*) and being the attention seeker that she is, she showed the hard top convertible feature (again, key feature in this story) off to everybody at the party. At the end of the day she decided to spend the night at their house and leave first thing in the morning.
Next morning, we all decide to take a trip to my new house (we weren't moved in yet) and I decided this was a good time to move my most priceless possession, the PS3, to my future habitat. Since my sister was still in gloat-mode, she pressed that we travel in her car. So I sat in the car with the console on my lap, and she requested that I leave it in the trunk instead. I complied and placed my pride and joy in the spacious trunk. As she pressed the button to put the car's top down something clicked in my head. "Where will the hard top be stored?" inquired my brain. The answer seemed obvious, that it would go in the trunk. "The same trunk that contains the PS3?" posed my brain, and just before I poked it with a q-tip, I realized my brain had a point...
At that moment, I freaked the fuck out and told her to stop as I wasn't sure if I put the console in the correct area of the trunk. She responded, assuming I was yanking her chain, that as long as it was behind the divider it would be fi-- ***crunch***
Before she could finish the sentence, I had jumped out of the car and was already at the back of the fully retracted hard top contained in the fully closed trunk. I informed my sister that I heard something, and my sister rolled her eyes and started putting the top back up to make sure everything was fine and that I was just being an idio-- **oh shit**.
http://i.imgur.com/orcIKm2.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/c3l7Fnx.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/Z7JznqT.jpg
My sister absolutely fucking lost it and started crying/cussing. Me pulling the PS3 out and making sure it was okay before tending to her did not help matters at all. Apparently it cost $1200 to replace the window, but her husband was able to get a much better deal since he was a manager at the dealership at the time. The incident added to the tension we already had and slowly but surely we stopped texting each other on a regular basis.
TL;DR, smashed a weak but expensive rear window with my godly invincible PS3 and made my already distant sister more distant.
**EDIT:** To clarify, since I had put the PS3 where the window retracts to, the glass broke from the pressure applied by the console!
Lastone5tanding: Wait so how did the rear view window break?
iny0urend0: Since I had put the PS3 where the window retracts to, it broke from the pressure applied by the console!
Lastone5tanding: Oh thanks for the clarification
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1410547766 | 1410584881 | t3_2g836k | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a tab for the first time
This didnt happen today, but I remember someone posting about ingesting 4 tabs of acid because he was pulled over. It was the end of my finals and what better way to celebrate by taking acid for the first time. My hookup told me the tab was only about twice the normal dosage. And I thought it wouldn't be a big deal.
So the day comes and I get two other friends to join in on my trip. We pop the tab in and waited for results.
Little did I know 1 mg of acid wasn't double the dosage of an average trip. I did some research and found out that the normal dosage was around 250 ug. So theres where I fucked up. By taking FOUR time the normal average trip.
The trip lasted about 10 hours for me. And boy, that was the craziest experience I ever had. I thought I was gonna be drugged up and seeing shit for the rest of my life. I felt so dumb and lost for a long time.
And I was caught up in a deja vu loop, literally doing the same thing over and over. But somehow I managed to survive and come back to reality.
TLDR: I took about 4 times the normal dosage of lsd and lost my mind.
cincE3030: soooo you regret taking it?
MadFatty: not at all! It was a very fun and good experience.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410547810 | 1410575922 | t3_2g839p | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU BY speeding too slow
OK so this actually happened yesterday but close enough ;)
back story: so like every weekday I'm driving my normal commute to work Speed limit on the freeway is 65, so i usually travel about 68-69 since cops don't pull you over for going a few MPH over. its a 2/3 lane highway so i usually travel in the left lane (fast lane) since slow trucks are always in the right lane and there isn't much traffic so i cruise control all the way.
So I'm cruising along, but this morning I'm tired as fuck. More-so then usual. SO i'm not really driving like one should. I'm just focusing ahead of me and trying to stay awake but I'm doing the whole dose off, drift, hit the lane bumps, wake up straight out thing (aka braille driving) Now on this highway there is a huge hill so uphill i always stay in cruise control since most cars slow down naturally and down hill I'll turn it off and cruise down. So i get to the top of the hill and for some reason i check my rear-view before i decide to take off and accelerate and there is a car up my ass. and i mean up my ass. So much so that I can't see anything but the grill of the car.
So in my infinite wisdom I'm like , let me speed up a little as i go down hill to get him off my ass. So I do and go from 68-69 to about 75 MPH and all of a sudden i see the grill in the rearview light up and slow down. It was a f-ing cop car. I see him signal for me to pull over to the right. Now I'm thinking great, gonna be late for work and get a speeding ticket because a cop was riding my ass. Total FML moment.
So i Pull over, car in park on the shoulder, roll down windows and prepare for the major ass kissing i'm about to give the cop. I know one thing with cops is you always want to be over-respectful with them. SO pretty much every sentence ends in you calling them sir and agreeing with them. So he comes over to my car and w/o even asking a question (usually cops will ask "do you know why i pulled you over" ) he starts giving me a lecture on driving. I'm literally in my head going DAFUQ? but nodding along agreeing. He tells me that the left lane is for passing only and i was driving too slow in it and he wanted to pull the truck over who was in front of me but i was blocking him and passing on the right is dangerous. So yup he tells me that even though i was speeding I was going to slow in the left lane and its a moving violation (aka i can get a ticket for it costing me probably aorund 150 + insurance rates go up)
Now at this point I'm literally dumbfounded at whats happening. Of course I don't let it show, I just tell him I wasn't aware and from now on I'll drive in the center or right lane when I'm going. I'm also relieved he didn't catch me swerving while falling asleep lol. So he asks for my license i give it to him and he says he'll be right back. SO I'm like yup fuck getting a ticket for driving too slow while I was speeding. Don't even know hot to comprehend the situation. He comes back hands me my license and lets me go with a warning. Crisis adverted thankfully. Wound up a few mins late for work. No big deal though.
TIL you can get a ticket for going to slow when speeding
TL;DR: Got pulled over for what i thought was speeding because i was, instead cop tells me i was driving too slow and could get a ticket. lets me off with a warning.
Blackflag421: Left lane is for passing, if you want to do 3mph over the limit you don't belong in that lane.
UN4GTBL: This!
DixonAnneus: yes while true, its pretty early in the morning and isn't really any traffic and my options are pretty limited to either 50MPH behind trucks or just under 70 in the "passing" lane. Also If I'm driving above the speed limit already, people really shouldn't be passing me. Its basically saying I should break the law more or move over for other people to blatantly ignore the rules of the road
lickastick: You shouldn't have a license.
If you get stuck behind a truck going 50, then maybe you should pass them in the passing lane then go back into the travelling lane.
DixonAnneus: The entire lane is nothing but trucks. that early in the morning all the trucks drive to avoid traffic.
UN4GTBL: That's fine.
So stay in the left lane to pass the trucks until somebody comes up behind you going faster. If you don't want to speed up, then you can momentarily get in the right lane and let the faster vehicle pass you. Drive the speed you are comfortable with, but understand that other people will always be driving faster or slower than you, and part of being a safe driver means keeping the traffic flow moving without needless interruptions.
This is a basic road law that very few people seem to understand in North America. Keep right except to pass.
Just because you do the speed limit doesn't mean you are safe or not causing problems. If you camp out in the left lane like that you are a "left lane hog" and that can cause road rage from the driver behind you which then puts you in danger.
Also I fully understand, trucks are the bane of my existence when driving as they are big (so you can't see around them) and slow, but I try and give them as much space as possible.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1410549143 | 1410549952 | t3_2g85nu | t5_2to41 | 5 | Puffman1: TIFU
TLDR called in sick forgot doctors note. Now I can't work but I'm not fired.
Well today I found out that I am still a employee at my job. I just can't work there. So last Sunday I was sick and puking constantly and called out for work that day. I wasn't really paying attention to the phone call and the manager said to bring a doctors note. For one I didn't even know you could get one for vomiting alot. So I go into work Wednesday and find out about the note and I can't work until I get one. So I called today because doctors won't give doctor notes for being sick a few days ago so I can't get a note. So I'm employed I just can't work. Help?
APGDT6: My solution: 1. Meet a doctor
2. Marry her
3. Have her write you a note
4. Keep job
Puffman1: If I marry a doctor I don't think I would need that job lol
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410549927 | 1410605535 | t3_2g874s | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by not taking the hint
So as far as fuck ups go this isn't too bad but it still haunts me. It was my senior year of high school, Christmas eve, and I'd been seeing this girl for a few months at this point. Now, she was the single most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on and I had no idea why the hell she went out with me, even to the point of me saying that to her. Anyway, she was so gorgeous to me that every time I saw her even though we were dating I got nervous and tended to fuck things up.
We decided that we'd see each other on Christmas Eve and exchange the gifts we got for each other. After a few kisses and thanks we departed her parents' house in an attempt to just be with each other. I drove us into the city (or what at least passed for the city where I'm from) and while thinking of something to do I parked in one of those multi-level parking garages.
So we're sitting in my car trying to think of something to do when she just tells me to start driving up the garage. I'm not one to argue with her so I do and we eventually pull up to one of the top levels overlooking the city. Then comes the fun. We start making out and things move into the backseat. Oh boy. Eventually we stopped and were just cuddling in my car when she says "It's pretty hot in here" and proceeds to remove her outermost shirt, revealing a very thin black camisole and giving me a look that says "Hey dumbass, I'm yours." Right now is where I wish I could say that we proceeded to have sex right there. That is not at all what happened. Once again in my astonishment that I'm with such an amazing girl I didn't even notice what was right in front of me. I was preoccupied thinking "Fuck, that's a lot of snow" and "I really should have gotten her something nicer."
Now, I wish I could say that things ended up well but they didn't. We broke up a few weeks later because neither of us had the time to make a relationship work and now I'm typing this 1,300 miles from her as we're both in our freshman year of college. Still a virgin. Still shocked at how I got a girl like her. Still ashamed at how royally I fucked that night up. And still somewhat in love with her.
lukemasters: Call her. Seriously. Distance is the best thing ever, and if you can convince her to let you visit her, you have it in the bag. Plus you'll be past that awkward stage, and probably not in the back seat of the car. So make it happen. Ive had quite a few awkward moments like this myself, and theyre only awkward if you let it be.
TwoSevenOne: I mean, I wasn't exaggerating when I said 1,300 miles. I'm quite literally in a different state so a visit over the long weekend isn't possible. I suppose I could try this over Christmas break though and talk to her in between then and now.
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: It's worth trying to keep in touch so you can possibly hook up over Christmas. Once she's home, get her out and go do something fun. If you can swing it, maybe a drink or two and then lightly admit how you feel stupid for fucking up. She probably feels like you rejected her.
whamarian: It's probably a great idea to keep in contact. People will do just about anything and everything for love. And it sounds like you broke up on agreeable terms. Keep in contact with her and be her friend or whatever it is you want to be. The internet and cell phones have made stuff like that easy. As for seeing her, there's always Skype. And who knows, you two might end up together once more. LIGHT THE FIRE YOUNGIN!
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1410550839 | 1410552101 | t3_2g88nv | t5_2to41 | 22 | chinahatesme: TIFU by greeting a hotel guest
I work front desk for a hotel in a mountain/ski resort area and it's now our "shoulder season," which means it's a ghost town until the first snow. This allows for plenty downtime such as reading, watching Youtube, trolling on Reddit, binging on Netflix, and smoking the occasional bowl.
Today, I was pretty stoney-baloney after my short break and decided to watch some South Park. After watching Cartman run around PF Chang's asking for, "...the prrans prrease?" I see a family saunter into the lobby out of the corner of my eye. Without even thinking I stand up and immediately do a slight bow saying, "Herro, 'relcome!" The family was Chinese-American and looked clearly offended. Fuck.
TL;DR: Greeted an asian family by bowing and saying "Herro, 'relcome."
veciits: Rrrrrou're firrrrred...
john_stuart_kill: I don't know, Scoob...
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1410552165 | 1410553174 | t3_2g8b0f | t5_2to41 | 1 | Ted_Schmosbyy: TIFU by spelling "four"as "for" in an email to multiple bosses
APGDT6: *I'm an idiot
SweetSweetInternet: That was the joke
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1410552625 | 1410560485 | t3_2g8btt | t5_2to41 | 5 | truth__bomb: TIFU by shitting on an opportunity that could have launched my dream career.
So roughly 6 months ago, I was sitting at my unpaid internship, waiting to hear back about a potential job interview at another company. My phone goes off in my pocket. I stand up, let my boss know I'm stepping out for lunch, and go.
As I'm walking out the front door, I pull out my phone but have to keep my attention on the step down out the door that my clumsy ass regularly misses. Outside, as I move down toward my awaiting text message, my eyes catch a man standing on the sidewalk ten feet away. His pleasant smile suggests that he's only looking at me because the loud noise made by my office building's door. Nothing strange. After his polite gesture registers in my mind, I quickly look back up from my phone and return the smile. BUZZ BUZZ, my phone goes off again. I finally get to read the message. HOORAY! I got invited for an interview!
Because I'm also out on my lunch break, I walk for the nearest crosswalk. I get there, and the pleasant stranger is next to me, waiting to cross as well. Now, I'm reading a critical text message and start the reply when the man says to me, "Here for the cop show thing?"
Because my focus was on my phone and the traffic was noisy, "Here for the cop show thing?" just didn't process. Barely sounded like coherent English. So I responded with, "No, I work over here. Just out for lunch." I then try to put some distance between myself and this mumbling stranger (remember that, *mumbling*). However, he keeps pace and tries to continue the conversation. At this point, my mind is fully on my response to the interview invitation. I wasn't rude to this kind stranger, but I was short.
We get to the opposite side of the street, exchange a quick "Have a good one" or whatever, and part ways. I finish my text message and slip my phone into my pocket.
A block down the street, it hits me. *Shit.* That guy I just brushed off could possibly have done a lot for my fledgling screenwriting career. Because it was the master of mumblecore, fucking Mark Duplass.
And no, I didn't get the job I interviewed for.
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: ...and you blew a chance to meet his hot wife!
He did an AMA on here a while back. Paging /u/mduplass
truth__bomb: Yeah, I missed the AMA by about an hour.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410552892 | 1410792268 | t3_2g8c9m | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking up all my ex's who have gotten married.
I don't know why, but I'm that girl that is the last one people date before they get married..to someone else. Pretty awesome. So I am home sick today and bored and decided that it was a good idea to take a trip down memory lane and see how happy my ex's are with other people.
I don't care how confident you are when you say "I don't have feelings for them anymore" it's still not pleasant to see the joy in their face in their perfect dumb wedding photos with Mrs. Right.
Thank you very much you bunch of asses. I hope she gets fat.
datinginfo: I like this post. It's not sexual or about poop, and it's an action that she entirely had control over (the looking up part). So did you break up with them, or did they break up with you?
Yourfaceis_dumb: Both. And it's only 3 people it has happened with, but it is more than enough to make me laugh at the situation.
datinginfo: If it makes you feel any better, I'm a landlord whose (absolutely great) tenants always move out because they're getting married and are thus buying a house of their own. It's gotten to the point where I'm thinking of advertising my space as some sort of magical love nest, except instead of getting a ghost haunting you, you get married.
Yourfaceis_dumb: And yet, that could still be perceived as scary by some.
datinginfo: Hah! Maybe, but if I'm upfront about it then I'm just polarizing my customer base, right? :D
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1410550151 | 1410584687 | t3_2g87hm | t5_2to41 | 76 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally desecrating the Quran in front of my Muslim classmate
Well, like most TIFUs, this occured a few years ago.
It was my freshman year of high school and I was placed into honors English class. Unlike the normal level English classes, we had an excessive amount of homework, quizes, etc. relating to the study of etymology. So lots of prefixes, suffixes, roots, stems, and all that jazz. I really just took the honors level because I wanted to read more entertaining books, so I was kind of sour about the whole class.
One day, our teacher decides we're going to implement "acting" into our English class. I immediately didn't like the idea, but what the hell. It was a good time waster and we got to section off into our own groups, so we could joke around with friends for most of the period while we were supposed to be preparing.
The idea for the class project was that we were to be given a prefix out of a hat and then we had to come up with a word using that prefix and act it out after writing the word out on the board. Props were not only allowed, but encouraged. The catch was that we couldn't talk. The class had to guess what the prefix meant. So basically an easy time waster.
The hat went around and the teacher read them aloud for each group.
"Semi-"
"Under-"
"Homo-" A couple kids giggled.
We got to ours finally.
"A-"
The teacher walked away and I muttered out a "Dammit." How were we supposed to act out "a-" which meant "not"? It's easy to act out *something*, but it's way harder to act out the opposite of something. We started coming up with ideas for words starting with "a-". Words like anarchy and anonymous were all too difficult for our group of talentless freshman. None of us were drama kids.
Then my friend had a brilliant idea. A hand reaches into his backpack and he pulls out a book. "We'll act out atheism."
In his hand he holds a Quran. My friend was, and still is,kinda weird (Hi Andrew), so I didn't really question why someone who clearly has no affiliation or interest in Islam has a Quran in their backpack. I could already see where he's going with this. This is clearly the perfect prop for acting out atheism. Hindsight would tell me that this was a bad idea, but we were the only group struggling to figure out a word that we could act out, so our ethical filter didn't really care.
The time comes. Presentations go on. We were amongst the last to go. Our genius act was soon to unfold. I walked up to the front of the glass with my group. We write the prefix on the board and our corresponding chosen word. My friend is lined up across the room and he whips the Quran at me. I catch it, turn it toward the class, and then drop it as dramatically as possible, [much like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuOq0Twz31w).
Silence.
I turn to my teacher and she has a stone cold glare in her eyes. She was not pleased. "I need to talk with you in the hallway right now."
I just wanted to easily act out my stupid prefix for my stupid 15 points of etymology credit. I wasn't an Islamophobe. I wasn't trying to give some political statement. I was just trying to do your college level acting class assignment from hell.
"Do you know what you just did? (Dropped a book?) Did you know that is one of the most offensive things you can do in the religion of Islam? (Uhh... Shit) I hope you know that Abu-Bakr (Oh, right, that kid who asks everyone to call him Joe on the first day of class?) is a Muslim. You're going to go right in there and apologize immediately. That book is supposed to be buried now. (Wut)"
So, okay, sure, maybe I knew that dropping a religious text on the floor wasn't the most respectable thing to do. But come on, I was 14 and lived in an affluent suburb. Our school was literally nicknamed "White Castle (our school mascot was a Knight)" because of our lack of any minorities. Nowhere along the road was I taught that dropping a Quran onto the ground was sacrilege.
All was well though. I talked to Joe after class and he cut me off before I even started, telling me he knew I didn't have any bad intentions. We had gotten along fine prior and continued to do so for the rest of high school. My teacher hated me for the rest of the year though. Thankfully she had a strenuous pregnancy and I didn't have to see her glares of disappointment at me for half the year.
azraels_ghost: Not even remotely your teacher's role to 'make you apologise' to Joe. Does she think you're 7?
mq999: It happens all the time with 13 and 14 year olds. I even watched a TV show yesterday where they are forced to apologise or be punished.
I agree that it doesn't give sincere apologies but teachers are allowed to make you apologise.
azraels_ghost: Guess I've been out of school wayyyy too long now. But at 20years old, I consider someone old enough to decide whether they choose to make amends to someone for an offence.
[deleted]: Where did you get 20? They were freshmen in high school, not college. Absolutely young enough to have a teacher to make him apologize, especially since he didn't realize he had done anything wrong until she told him. Holding a grudge is ridiculous, but making the kid apologize isn't.
| 5 | 15.2 | |
1410500287 | 1410553626 | t3_2g6dce | t5_2to41 | 3 | Sibire: TIFU By applying superfluous first aid to a rather gentle region.
Too Long; Won't Read: I rubbed paint and salt into a wound on my ballsack. Burning ensued, bleeding subsided.
Got your attention now? Good.
Gather 'round, ye lads and lasses, for a tale of why you shouldn't use shitty razors for your personal grooming needs, and why sometimes it's better to just ask a female friend how to best remove blood from underwear whilst waiting for platelets to do their job.
For daily shaving, I use a small pocketknife hand-sharpened to perfection. It's a work of art, that edge, and it *will* take your skin off if you're not careful. I also work with rescued cats who often need medicine. Both of these things will inevitably result in blood loss, hence my investment in a styptic pencil.
For those of you who don't know, a styptic pencil is a haemostatic implement typically used to stop straight razor nicks from bleeding profusely. This will become important later.
While my face is hardy enough to sustain some nicks and cuts, I still prefer a safety razor for ye olde manscaping duty. Unfortunately for me, the ones I currently possess are rather poorly made, despite being Gillettes. Their three blades wiggle about with every stroke, and it is only time before something gets cut by an errant blade.
Today was that time. While trimming the shrubberies for the Nights who formerly said "Ni!", I happened to take a small chunk out of my scrotum. Yep, not fun. Of course, it was nothing major, just a clean nick with a rather surprising amount of blood coming out for such a small wound. Alas, this was merely an inconvenience, for my fuckup is yet to come.
Not wishing to produce bloodstains on my clothing, I took the aforementioned styptic pencil, dabbed the wound clean, and attempted to solve a problem which was truly not worth the effort.
Here's the thing about styptic pencils: You might as well be rubbing white paint and salt in the wound, except that's almost exactly what you're doing. As a result, they fucking *burn*.
It doesn't last long, mind you, but those twenty seconds of being fondled by an active volcano were, how should I put this... Less than pleasant.
On the plus side, though, I don't need to scrub blood from my sleepwear.
Recidivist-: I read that as "superfluid first aid"
Sibire: Oobleck therapy.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410552490 | 1410554966 | t3_2g8blc | t5_2to41 | 8 | Stryker94: TIFU by spitting.
Today, I was going for a quick 20 minute run before my workout. As I was running I had the urge to spit come up. Now when your mouth is dry and you need to spit, your spit becomes sticky and hard to get out easily. So I knew I had to lean over to spit out to avoid getting it onto myself. I also didn't want to stop running just to spit so I tried to do it in one quick lean-spit motion. Well I was wearing these [earbuds](http://www1.pcmag.com/media/images/286353-soul-by-ludacris-sl99-275width.jpg) and the wires on these things are stiff and fall out easily. So as I went to go spit, the right earbud fell out of my ear and caught the spit mid air and flung it back onto the left side of my shorts. I immediately stopped running and tried to get it off but couldn't. I switched to my earbud to clean it before putting it back in my ear and when I saw the damage of the spit to my shorts, it was white so it looked like man juice got all over my shorts. Needless to say I ended up working out back at my dorm.
**TL;DR I spit from a dry mouth and my earbud caught it mid flight and threw it on my shorts. Couldn't get it all off so it looked like man juice on my shorts.**
Lamaomgrofl: Couldn't you play it off as sweat? That wouldnt look highly out of place on a runner imo.
Stryker94: I wanted to, but the way it looked plus all the stares at other people in the park just didn't make me feel like I could pass this off without looking like an idiot.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410553470 | 1410566420 | t3_2g8db7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | matamoron: TIFU by stealing two traffic cones.
This morning around 1:30-2:00 my roommate and I were walking back from a party and saw two girls carrying traffic cones and thought it would be neat if WE had traffic cones so after convincing them to drop them we took them (I'm a pretty shitty person when I'm drunk) and carried them back to my roommates car in the parking garage. We didn't get caught or anything and so far there have been zero repercussions but I'm worried we might have been caught on video by the garage surveillance. After googling it I found out you can get in pretty serious trouble for stealing cones and I'm already on probation so I've been in panic mode all day about this. Does anyone know the lengths that the PA police force would go to to retrieve two traffic cones? Would a parking garage send them footage of people putting cones in their trunk and if they did would the police like track us down? Or do they not really care that much?
STFUDora: put the cone on your head and post a pic
matamoron: [Am I cool yet?](http://imgur.com/qnNlidf)
STFUDora: lol! well done.
| 4 | 2 | |
1410554925 | 1410634165 | t3_2g8fzr | t5_2to41 | 15 | whatisthepointoflife: TIFU by checking in my printer for a flight [x-post on r/rage]
So this happened a bit over a month ago now, but I think I've finally come to accept it to post it here and take all the ridicule (in addition to those received on /r/rage).
About a week before I had my move from San Jose to Chicago, I grabbed the biggest luggages I could handle/get my hands on at home. Well turns out, I had about 10 lbs and quite a bit of room left to put something in my luggage. And me being the cheepo I am and Mr. Captain hind-sight, I decided, why not shove my printer in here!? (The printer is an old Epson c82 ink jet printer, and I don't think you can even buy it anymore unless you really tried).
So I thought I was being all smart. Well no. This is my first mistake. I decided to put a printer in my luggage. Probably would prone to breaking and cracking if everything went well, but that isn't the case either. I thought if I packed it well enough with my clothes wrapped around it and shoved tightly, it wouldn't move and it should be an issue. I even rolled my luggaged around with it inside to test my theory. Seemed to me okay.
Fast forward to the day of my flight. Everything went smoothly. Checked in alright 2, 50+ lbs bags (gotta love Southwest) went with in with no issues. I get on my flight and off we goo! So I arrive at Chicago and start to unpack. Everything seemed fine, some things shifted but nothing out of the ordinary.
When I lift my first layer of clothes... holy shit... why is it pink... *minor panic* I left of some more of my clothes and there I see it... ink just dripping off the side of my printer and all over my luggage and clothes. Damn... I spent a good 3 hours trying to clean and salvage what I could from the mess. My printer now is chipped and cracked in a few areas and the magenta no longer works.
2nd mistake: I decided that it would be totally okay for the ink to be left in because I didn't want it to dry out if i took them out and I didn't think they would spill out. Apparently I was wrong on both counts and ended up with a mess and lots of damage to clothes and the printer rather than just having to buy some new ink.
3rd mistake: At first I was angry and I blamed TSA because they went through the luggage. I thought they did it on purpose but then awesome redditors made me realize... that well my printer probably looked like a fucking bomb going through the xrays and mayhaps prompted them to search through it, and since it's old and not easy to open, they may have had to take it apart or pry it open to get to the ink... and thus when the put it back it got everywhere.
Anyway here's a crappy picture of some of the [ink stained stuff](http://i.imgur.com/P0ueeFM.jpg)
TL;DR I thought I was being smart by checking in my printer to my new location only to have it cause lots of "magenta" damage to my clothes and partially to my printer.
travelinlite: oxiclean
whatisthepointoflife: Okay does that actually work? I just ended up using half of the clothes as rags to clean my apartment.
valaamaris: Rubbing alcohol at least 90 percent. Works even on sharpie. Drip on and blot, repeat. Do not rub, it'll spread the stain.
whatisthepointoflife: Thanks I'll give it a try!
| 5 | 3 | |
1410556013 | 1410556895 | t3_2g8hxl | t5_2to41 | 3 | Omphalophobiac: TIFU by forgetting while showering
kaenneth: I usually flush after, because it messes with the water pressure while the tank refills.
Omphalophobiac: I usually do too, but the one time I forget...
| 3 | 1 | |
1410556056 | 1410562449 | t3_2g8i08 | t5_2to41 | 133 | archostekton: TIFU By turning turning a client's daughter into a hoe...
I work for a building company, and one of the highlights of my day is when I get to leave the office to go on a site visit. Today's should have been easy: Go to this house, measure a window, and specify where the new, matching one should go.
I met the owner of the house, and he was very friendly and cordial. He led me upstairs to his teenage daughter's room, in which the window to be measured was. It was a typical teen girl's room; full of brightly-colored random odds and smelling like perfumed distilled from Disney Channel stars. Next to the window was a dresser with four colored-glass bottles, each with a letter on it, spelling out "Hope."
As I was leaning out the window to get some exterior measurements, I tripped slightly and bumped the dresser. The sickeningly sharp sound of glass shattering made me cringe, but not as much as the next bit would. I turned around to see that the "P" bottle had fallen. Staring me and the proud father in the face was what the remaining bottles read: HOE.
finelife: You broke a teen girl's P bottle. Why can't I come up with a good joke for this?
archostekton: because we'd both be going to hell if you did. :D
TerminusEst86: You deprived her of a long, cylindrical object that was used to P?
| 4 | 33.25 | |
1410557469 | 1410625211 | t3_2g8kg0 | t5_2to41 | 546 | ecchibb: TIFU by letting my bf give me a facial
This happened this morning. My bf came to see me before I went to class and so I thought I'd give him a little tease before I left. We got riled up and he decides he wants to finger me until I cum. I happily agreed. After my happy time, I pulled down his pants and started going to town. He was getting close and had asked if he could cum on my face. So I thought why not? It's been a while. Note* I still had my shirt on and it was black. So I continue to blow him until he almost cums then started giving him a hand job and soon enough, he gives me a facial. Knowing that it's close to my time to leave, I look at the time and I have 20 minutes to get to class. So then I wipe my face, get my backpack and jacket and rush to school. I got to class with a few minutes to spare. About 15 minutes into my class, I noticed my classmate, who is an older 40ish year old lady, sitting across from me giving me a weird stare. I just shrugged it off like nothing. I was getting hot and decided to take off my jacket, but when I looked down, I realized I didn't even change my shirt! I still had cum stains on it and then it hit me why she was giving me such weird stares! I'm completely embarrassed and zipped up my jacket for the rest of the class, which is another two hours. Well that is my fck up of the day.
http://imgur.com/GQet9uT Here's a picture. Sorry for the potato quality.
_Pornosonic_: Does your boyfriend have a sprinkler for a penis?
ecchibb: Lol I was actually beating his meat like no tomorrow. I didn't know how messy I was.
50_Trails_Of_Snails: Are you single?
u wnt sum fuk?
^^pls
Falc0n7: I'll giv u sum fuk.
LoganAH: Hav fuk as one?
| 6 | 91 | |
1410549174 | 1410641794 | t3_2g85pr | t5_2to41 | 5 | wintermuteTA: TIFU by trying to fix my air conditioner.
My air conditioner stopped working 2 days ago. I checked online to see if I could figure out what was wrong. It seems it is either the capacitor or the fan motor. I'm leaning toward the fan motor because when you give the blades a whirl it doesn't keep spinning.
Yesterday I went to purchase a new fan motor, and the salesman said that you usually replace the capacitor when you replace a fan motor. A new capacitor wasn't that much more, so I figured "sure, why not".
Last night I went to do the replacing, and that's when I realized that the bad fan motor had 1 wire that goes to the capacitor, but the new motor has 2. The only thing is, there's only room on the capacitor for one wire to be connected (from the fan motor). My logic is, if they both attach at the same place, why can't I just splice them together into one connector and attach them both at the same time to the capacitor.
I'm not sure if that is the source of error, or there's something else...but when I plugged the fuse back in to start everything up there was sparking and the smell of electrical burning.
Tomorrow an A/C repairman will be coming out to fix everything.
TL;DR - I tried to save money by fixing my A/C, but will probably end up spending much more to have someone repair my mistakes.
[deleted]: I used to just *love* customers like you!
Tradesman704: I still love customers like this!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410558818 | 1410564259 | t3_2g8mr5 | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by Making a porno at 8.
Alright, so this didnt happen TODAY. But it's still a fuck-up.
When I was 8, I had a girl friend. Not a girlfriend. GIRL that is a FRIEND. She was 9.
So, I had this camera that I was allowed to use. Nothing much. Generic hand-held camera. We would make videos and upload them to youtube (Videos are long gone). We decided to make one, so we went upstairs to my room.
Now, I knew nothing about sex. I didn't know anything, and I am just guessing that she found some porno video or something online at her house. I don't know. But anyways, she tells me to go out of the room and come in with the camera. I do and she's under my covers. She says "Raise it higher, honey". And she takes her hand and raises it up like someone in there getting a boner. Then she goes "not that high!". Then she starts going up and down like she's getting fucked. Then I say "what are you doing, honey!?!". Then that's it.
We did it again, but this time I was under the bed. I repeat the above. Neither of us knew about different genitals, so technically I had gay sex.
Now, here's where it gets fucked up. She put her camera to the side, pointed at us, and we both get in the bed. She says raise it up, I do. Then we both bounced, laying down, on the bed. Not on each other, but next to each other. We get up, bring the camera back down, and forget about it. Never deleting the video.
A week later, my parents approach me. The found the video. I could probably make a whole new post about this, so long story short they gave me "the talk" and never let me see that girl again. Yeah...
TL;DR- make a "porno", parents find it, never see that girl again
Flurgenballs: this was a week ago? youre 8 years old?
jihalliday: no...?
Edit : oh shit, meant a week after it HAPPENED
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1410558469 | 1410571711 | t3_2g8m7p | t5_2to41 | 11 | panicATC: TIFU by not buying sewer line insurance for my home
Our home inspector told us the plumbing was fine when we bought the house a few months ago. Last night we did a large load of laundry, went upstairs to make dinner, and came back to the basement to the smell I can only image is reminiscent of the Swamps of Dagobah.
We decide to call a plumber we found on Angie's list. He shows up and snakes the line, but can't get further than 15ft. He sends the camera in next and finds collapsed pipes. Great.
He send the camera in from the back and tells me there's about a 10ft section under my driveway that is messed up and needs replaced.
Estimate is $15 to $20k
All I can ask myself is why I didn't buy the sewer line insurance when I had the chance?
My Fiancee is supposed to be shopping for a wedding dress tomorrow. How do I tell her that we can't even afford the dress now, much less the wedding?
I really fucked up by being cheap.
AliceA: Can't sue the inspector?
panicATC: I wish. Inspectors in our area have you sign something stating they're not liable for anything that's incorrect.
AliceA: Shame to use them then.
Lehk: if inspectors were liable for everything that could go wrong, inspections would cost 7500 or more
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1410559261 | 1410568448 | t3_2g8nhq | t5_2to41 | 20 | Throwawayaccount4267: TIFU by calling a little girl with cancer a skinhead
TIFU By calling a little girl with cancer a skinhead. This happened a few years ago, me and a few of my friends were joking around and just having a good time at our middle school. A bit of backstory, we at the time had a friend (we will call him John) who liked to shave off his hair. So when we joked around we usually referred to him as skinhead. This was all in good fun, and John would just laugh and insult us back somehow, like joking friends do. Me and a few other friends were walking back to class from lunch and, a person walks out in front of us. They have a shaved head, and it looks almost exactly like John from behind. I at the time wasn't completely thinking and was almost certain this was our friend (similar height, etc). So I yell really loud "HEY SKINHEAD". I realize none of my friends are laughing, and I was confused, until this person turned around and I realized why. This person was not John at all. It was a little girl with cancer, my heart sank and I tried to apologize but she just walked away. The biggest fuck up of my life. TLDR: Friend had a buzzcut, thought I saw him in the hallway, decided to joke with him, yelled "hey skinhead" , turned out to not be my friend and was little girl with cancer.
pesti13nce: why the hell would you call out to a person with "skinhead" to begin with? even IF you thought it was your friend? The hell man
Throwawayaccount4267: Because I was a stupid little kid in middle school, who was 12 at the time.
pesti13nce: Oh, i kinda thought you were an adult I didn't think "a few years ago" meant you were 12 at the time.
Throwawayaccount4267: I was in middle school
| 5 | 4 | |
1410560743 | 1410562213 | t3_2g8q14 | t5_2to41 | 1 | ProstateDeGorille: TIFU I gave a girl "my number", ended up it was hers...
So I was at a party tonight and I just got home, it was a party in some town and there were plenty of people, I saw a girl looking quite ugly, and she came speaking to me... She asked for my number and I really didn't want to give it to her cause she wasnt attractive to me. I decided to give a fake number. I started saying a fake number and the girl looked at me in a weird way at the end and she was like: Wait you are a magician and she tried to kiss me... I ended up to tell her that i didnt really want to hang out with her ahaha
what a prick, luckily she thought i was a magician :D
fryestone: What is the probability for something like that to happen ? It must be fate. You are linked to this ugly by the holy threads of fate.
Also a pussy is a pussy.
ProstateDeGorille: Naaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh i hope its not the fate... But yeah it's really unlikely to happen, even though there might be less number in my country.
fryestone: Where do you live? Belgium, Switzerland or maybe Quebec ?
Nice username btw.
ProstateDeGorille: Switzerland :)
| 5 | 0.2 | |
1410561294 | 1410587529 | t3_2g8qxs | t5_2to41 | 3 | barefo0t: TIFU by messing up my order in a restaurant
So me and my friend went to San Francisco for a workshop he had there. I just tagged along. After he was done with the workshop, we decided to go to Pier 39 and get some food there. My friend wanted to go to the sea food restaurants but I hate sea food so we decided to go to Applebee's. We used those touch screen order menus there for our order. While ordering the appetizers, there was an option to choose the number of plates. I thought it was option to divide the whole appetizers into 2 plates, so I chose 2. Later when they brought the food , they brought 2 plates of the appetizers and my friend's meal. We told them there must have been a mistake, but they said I orderd them. I tried to return them but they denied it. So, when the bill came, it was twice the price. It was a $100 for two people. We could do nothing but laugh at our own stupidity. It kinda ruined the rest of our trip.
El_Cookienator: I'm so sorry. It must have been truly horrible.
barefo0t: Oh yes, it really horrible coz it was my mistake and my friend had to pay for most of it coz he had more money. But, I learned a very important lesson: never eat at Applebee's.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410561599 | 1410565535 | t3_2g8rfd | t5_2to41 | 860 | iLuke94: TIFU by spitting into the toilet.
So I was sitting on the toilet doing my business when I got a weird taste in my mouth. I thought "well why not spit here?". I'll tell you why not, because unless you're someone who drinks plenty of water, your spit is naturally stringy/sticky. My spit touches the toilet bowl right on a skid mark. I thought the spit had detached from my mouth but no sooner than I inhale, the ball of slobber that landed on this nasty little turd, flys straight back up into my mouth. Five minutes of gagging/puking and gargling mouthwash followed.
TL;DR: I spit in the toilet, and it came right back up into my mouth.
prongs995: This happens to me more than I'd like to admit
LiirFlies: How has it happened more than once?
prongs995: exactly as OP said
LiirFlies: I guess I feel like most people would learn from the mistake.
prongs995: I've got a really terrible memory
| 6 | 143.333333 | |
1410559031 | 1410719018 | t3_2g8n43 | t5_2to41 | 198 | BerryCran: TIFU by asking a friend for water
Over the weekend I engaged in a heavy night of drinking with friends. I know my limits, started off with beer pong, won a few games which eventually led to celebratory tequila shots. Yeah, yeah "liquor before beer in the clear" and all that crap but still all is well in tummy land. The world keeps revolving (oddly faster than normal) but still calm and composed in my mind. Girl shows up with a handle of rum, several mixed drinks later and now very heavily buzzed for a few more games of beer pong. This is the point in which I will stop myself from drinking the remainder of the night. Parties still going and the spa is bubbly hot. Strip down, jump in and others follow. Conversation is flowing and before I know it an hour had past.
At this point I realize, holy shit, I have consumed nothing but alchy for nearly 6 hours. That combination with the spa had left my body shriveled and mouth so dry I was unable to even summon saliva. As fate would have it before I could even get out to grab a drink; a long time friend of mine shows up to the party with my salvation. Lo and behold he walks into the back yard carrying a full water bottle. Since my tongue is practically glued to the top of my mouth, I say nothing but grab the bottle from his hands. No hesitation, cap is off and I'm four giant gulps in before I notice the look on his face and his out stretched palm in the typical stop you dumbass fashion.
So fucking thirsty... it took my body another second or two to sync with what my brain already processed. His "oh shit" face turns to uncontrollable laughter, ah yes. I have just pounded 2/3 of a water bottle filled with none other than Popov in my already belligerent state. I fucking hate Popov.
Surely this is where the story ends with gross amounts of uncontrollable projectile vomiting. Nope. Last gulp gets painfully swallowed and without a word I hand him the bottle back and take a seat back in the spa. I see concerned looks on my friends faces, but naw I'll play this one off like a champ I tell myself. "Dude your going to get sick as fuck." notes one party goer. Yet I am incredibly proud or extremely foolish
"I'm good" I respond, "Can someone grab me a water?"
Now another friend catches wind of what happens and stumbles over examining the bottle. "Holy shit! That's fucking amazing!" he yells shaking my shoulders violently. The sudden motion makes me gag but I hold it in, still tasting that shitty plastic vodka with every breath. "We need to get this man to some water!" he yells again. Since I am light he proceeded to pick me up and sling me over his shoulder bounding for the door.
Ok, ok OP. I get it now, you puked all over your friend as he carried you so hurry and wrap this shit up. How wrong you are. Not less than three steps from being places next to a hose, he loses his footing sending us into a slow motion free fall fit for a movie. Conveniently placed is a planter in what houses what I can only describe to you as a cactus having mated with a tree. Of course on par for the night, I manage to hit the mark. I can feel my back, shoulders, and legs deeply impaled with several inch long spiked branches that have no business being on a fucking tree.
I go to move, I cannot. Dehydrated, drunk, and stuck to an incredibly well defended tree...sweet. Drunk friend who managed to land on the concrete quickly gets up and looks at me. "Bro." I fucking hate Bro.
A small crowd has now gathered as I'm hopeless trying to free myself from this snare. I can feel branches ripping my skin, but luckily not as much had I been sober. It takes Agua Man and drunk Hercules several minutes and many "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fucks." I am finally standing back on my feet. If I had I known I'd become a redditor, I would have immediately taken pictures because I had now become 3/4 man, 1/4 nature, my apologies for lack of proof. Maybe this is the worst TIFU you've ever read. Maybe not, but fuck me if I didn't take it like a champ standing there with probably 20 good size spikes. Rum girl runs over. It's okay guys, she's training to be a nurse. That fact alone made her feel qualified enough to start yanking these things out of my body. Lucky for me nearly every single tip to these branches broke off beneath my skin. At least the largest parts were gone, well done nurse. Woozy from the buzz or loss of blood I'll never know, but there was plenty of both. I made my way inside to examine myself in the mirror. Yep lots of blood. I'll try to make this quick for you because I was not afforded the same comfort. "Get these fucking things out of my arm." This was the last thing I remember before blacking out.
I woke up the next morning wondering why my arm was wrapped and why I was in pain. I had found a couch to sleep on so that's a positive thing. Now for the part this unnecessarily long story has been building to. On the table in front of me is a sight straight from a horror movie.
1 Blood covered fork
1 blood covered knife.
several articles of blood soaked clothing - not mine
1 set of scissors - bloody
1 pair of tweezers - clean
In my drunken stupor I had begged my friends to get the remaining chunks of wood out of my arm. I was later informed of the order in which I was operated on.
1st- A fork, because why would someone not think to first grab a fork to pry something out of my skin. In their defense, first responders must act quickly.
2nd- A knife, Since the fork is completely fucking useless in this scenario. We can just cut the skin around the wound to pull out the pieces. Now we're getting somewhere.
3rd- Other peoples clothes to try and grab the wood from the now larger holes. I didn't want to see the damage and they didn't want to get bloody. Fair.
4th- Scissors, because clothes failed and these are obviously a tool for grabbing small things with precision.
And lastly a pair of tweezers that had been in the first cabinet in the bathroom we were standing but the last item to be found. By this time apparently I had enough fun for one night and had told them lets worry about it in the morning.
What do I do then? I get up, walk to the damn kitchen, grab a glass, and poured my own fucking glass of water from a sink.
TL;DR - Today I drank shitty vodka thinking it was water and ended stuck to an incredibly thorny tree. This led to me basically becoming this guy for all my friends...But hey, atleast I didn't puke.
http://www.youjustmademylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/operation_game.jpg
edit: there are actually a picture of a small portion of the damage that one of my friends has. It was taken more than a week after the event but In the case that anyone reads this long dumbass post i'll dig them up.
Edit:
TIFU by offering proof to my story.
Alright so i have found the pictures and i'm not impressed. In fact, i now think of myself as quite a pussy that night. Or more of scratched and bruised by one. The holes had closed quite a bit at this time and there is no confirmation of back shots which got the worst of it...but still. People of reddit I am ashamed. If you look closely you can find 2 or 3 pieces that got left behind as well as a scissor track. This does not do justice to the healing that was performed on my body and the amount of blood that ended up everywhere. Forgive me.
[IMG]http://i62.tinypic.com/b6obxz.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i57.tinypic.com/ke7oxu.jpg[/IMG]
came2downvote: Dig it up.
Mph121: Pls do it op
EDIT: I need to learn to spell
PokemonFangirl1: You still need to learn to spell. Please, do it OP.
| 4 | 49.5 | |
1410560495 | 1410625337 | t3_2g8pmt | t5_2to41 | 93 | mahnumberis17: TIFU by attacking a customer with a rotisserie chicken.
I work at a local groceries store as a bagger and therefore bag plenty of delicious rotisserie chickens. Baggings routine to me now and I hardly ever mess things up. Occasionally an angry old woman will yell at me for packing a bag over 3 pounds but other than that nothing too stressful. However today, a customer came through the line with his 4-6 year old little girl. One of the items he was buying was, of course, a rotisserie chicken.
Normally I grab the chicken like an normal person would and put it in its respected bag, but today I was bored and decided to be cool and toss the chicken from my left to right hand so I can have a smooth transition to bag it. As I tossed I felt the cardboard sheath which protects the chicken slowly slide off. For once my right hand let me down and as I tossed it, the plastic container opened allowing the chicken freedom. I pretty much sent this chicken into its Olympic Gymnastics career as it Mc-twisted its ass through the air - sending nasty burning hot chicken grease everyone - smacked the little girl in the stomach, and stuck its landing. I muttered out what probably didn't sound like an apology and rushed to clean up the mess I made. The chicken sat there in the splits like it just beat Gabby Douglas to win the gold. I cleaned as much as I could while spitting apologies at the little girl and her father. After 15 minutes of the dad cleaning the grease from her daughter's shirt they finally left. I just found out that although he wasn't doing an evaluation the customer was actually part of corporate. I'm sitting at home hoping that I keep my job after that fuck up.
TL;DR I accidentally threw a rotisserie chicken at the little daughter of a member of corporate at the grocery store I work at.
UPDATE: I'm not fired! Not even a word from management! Luckily it's and accident and not assault.
plasma1147: ''EVER SEEN A CHICKEN BREAKDANCE''
TossMyCookies: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzoLOTvNkjo
| 3 | 31 | |
1410562599 | 1410578854 | t3_2g8sxt | t5_2to41 | 8 | starspeckledpig: TIFU by drinking my beer.
My fiance and I are having a nice, relaxing evening. I made homemade pizza for dinner. And what goes well with pizza? Beer! Anyway, so I didn't drink all of my beer with dinner. It's been sitting beside me while I fool around on the computer. After a while I decided to take a sip. Something was seriously off - there were little squishy balls in my beer! I spit out two of them to find the fruit flies that have been terrorizing the kitchen. I looked into my glass and there were about a dozen more swimming in there.
Tl;dr - Drank a bunch of bugs with my beer.
wireymonkey: extra protein don't see a problem
starspeckledpig: You sound like my mother. Any time my sister or I complained that we might have swallowed a bug she replied with, "A little extra protein!"
| 3 | 2.666667 |
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