start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1410562743 | 1410564587 | t3_2g8t4z | t5_2to41 | 7 | Earl_Grey_Esquire: TIFU by getting piss on my computer
Background: My college semester started a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t been able to find an affordable place to live, so I’ve been living out of my car.
I always park in unobtrusive places; I don’t want to draw too much attention to myself. So last night I parked in one of the campus’ massive parking lots, away from foot traffic, with other vehicles parked overnight, and about a quarter of a mile away from the nearest building that stays unlocked all night and has facilities.
Here comes the TIFU.
In the wee small hours of the morning, I woke up needing to pee. I wasn’t about to go traipsing a quarter mile through a deserted campus to find a bathroom. I found an empty Starbucks cup. Now I filled this thing pretty full – in coffee terms there wasn’t any room. I figured I’d pour it outside the car…I was fumbling around over the stuff in my car, and failed to balance that brimming cup of piss. Some of it spilled on my laptop. It went right into the speaker. I turned it on an edge to hopefully get the moisture out. I turned it on in the morning, and the screen was nearly black.
I took it by a computer repair place (I told the guy it was water), and he told me it fried four pins on the motherboard, can’t be repaired, and a new motherboard is stupid expensive (>$150), and I should just think about getting a new laptop. (Not that I have money to do that.)
TL;DR – Got piss on my laptop and fried the motherboard.
pixelated_fun: Why didn't you at least get out of the car to piss? Out of curiosity, where do you shower?
Earl_Grey_Esquire: I shower at the school's gym. One good thing about this situation, I'm incentivized to exercise so then I can shower.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410563390 | 1410583491 | t3_2g8u59 | t5_2to41 | 8 | TheCokeBandit: TIFU by buying an air soft gun
This happened yesterday. I have a full metal 1:1 scale Colt 1911 air soft gun and it's cool as hell. Naturally, as dumb and cocky teenager, I'm going to try to spin it like in the cowboy movies. (Not loaded, mag nor CO2, safety on) So I'm lying on my couch with the pistol, spinning it and shit, and then I try to do something fancy. Some loop-around-hand-backwards thing.
Nope.
I looped around backwards right onto my balls. Not even the shaft, the tender and unsuspecting balls. Still cringing thinking about that, both at the stupid and the pain.
Im-Probably-Lying: is it the Colt Defender one?
if so I have the same bb gun for messing around / practice in the back yard without having to go to the range.
heavy as shit. especially with the co2 loaded. lol
TheCokeBandit: Don't know the specifics; can confirm is heavy as shit though. Balls can too.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410554104 | 1412348006 | t3_2g8eh4 | t5_2to41 | 21 | Hokil: TIFU by frying my graphics card and proceeding to torture my neighbors this morning for 2 hours.
So the story starts with me buying an HDMI cord to play some vidya games on a pretty dated HD TV I have in my living room. I have a Dell Inspiron, with its stock graphics card, nothing fancy however it had an HDMI port. So I was like hey I wouldn't mind the extra screen space, even though the games won't look OMG amazing. I proceeded to plug the cord into the back of the TV and then my computer.
Well fuck me.
The cord, a [Rocketfish from BestBuy](http://www.bestbuy.com/site/rocketfish-6-in-wall-hdmi-cable/2634897.p?id=1218343205770&skuId=2634897) wouldn't fit in all the way. Upon closer inspection I noticed the metal shell for gripping just behind the gold tip was hitting my case and preventing the tip from going all the way in. So I decided to loosen the anchor for the graphics card (small metal bar that holds any PCI express hardware in place on the case) so I could move it oh so slightly. Behold the tip went in fully and I could jam!
Turn TV on.
Picture is kinda off.
Hey lets push the cord in a little bit more and it'll be fine!
So my dumbass completely forgetting I loosened the anchor pushed the cord in. Now when I say push, I mean I recklessly and forcefully pushed the tip, which inevitably caused the graphics card to slide out of the PCI express slot and my retina proceeded to get burned from the resultant flash of electricity.
FUUUUUUUUCK I just fried my motherboard! Or so I thought at the time.
I turn off my computer and turn it back on. Nothing just the fans making some noise and silence. Fuck it's done. Well shit shit shit shit.
Fast forward 30 minutes I'm over it (as in theres nothing I can do because its like 2am in the morning now) and decide to watch some TV in my room. Ender's Game in case you're wondering. Passed out beautifully in my room after it ended, not knowing that my computer lived in all actuality. Before I gave up I turned it on but never turned it back off thinking that it never turned on to begin with as all I saw was a black screen.
At this point in the story I'd like to add that I have an alarm clock on my computer. I was gonna turn it off as I had nothing to do in the morning, but oh yea my computer is fried. When it went off it played [Alaska by Between the Buried and Me](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snujDM7mpyI) because it's loud and obnoxious when you first wake and and you immediately wake in a rage to turn it off.
So I passed out comfortably, in my room with the door shut, while my computer just waited in the living room for it to turn 7 am in the morning. And as I commanded, it played that song loud as all hell because I left my speakers on and because the speakers were not facing my room and my door was closed I did not get awoken from my deep slumber. However my neighbors heard EVERYTHING because my speakers are near a window in my apartment unit.
I slept like a baby until 9:30 am.
I got woken up by frantic doorbell ringage and music. Upon partially waking up I'm like who the fuck is ringing my doorbell like that AND thinking to myself who is playing that music? Answer the door and it's my downstairs neighbor. Lovely lady, but today she looked deadbeat tired and desperate.
"Hokil can you PLEASeeeeee turn down your music. Today is my day off and I wanted to sleep in."
I immediately realize what song is playing and I DASH to my living room which is not as close to my bedroom as the front door. I see my computer's speakers are BLARING (hear rather) and I'm just confused as I thought it was completely broken.
Turned it off. Apologized to my neighbor who apparently went to my house on behalf of all the neighbors who were in earshot of my speakers and could no longer withstand the pummeling of my metal music.
After all was said and done. I say to myself "Well at least my whole computer isn't fried, but damn I still fucked up big time. I'm going back to sleep."
TL;DR: Shocked my graphics card, but not my motherboard. Thinking my computer was completely fried I passed out without turning off my speakers, which then proceeded to play the loudest metal song that I had set for an alarm clock at 7 am in the morning, to the discomfort of all my surrounding neighbors
Bundleojoy: Lesson learned, glass wasn't half empty but in fact it was full. At least you now have an excuse to get a better card
Hokil: Yes and Yes! I already scouted out my next baby
Bundleojoy: This comment made me look at cards again, how are we already into the fucking 900 series with nvidia? I'm sitting here like "oh my 560s aren't that old"
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1410564387 | 1410627062 | t3_2g8vmx | t5_2to41 | 258 | [deleted]: TIFU by shooting a cop with a fake gun
So I have this job and ive been in some trouble lately. Basically im on thin ice. Lately ive been trying really hard to get into work on time because one more day late will likely result in my termination. So I am on my way to work well ahead of schedule and im blasting some KRS-ONE - 9mm goes bang. At exactly one minute and fifty eight seconds into the song KRS makes three gunshot sound effects and im really feelin it so I shoot 3 imaginary gunshots out of the imaginary fucking finger gun in my hand. As I do this I accidentally make eye contact with these two cops that are parked in this gas station parking lot. I check my rear view mirror and watch both of them peel out and follow me. Shit.
I get pulled over and explain that I just was listening to music and this was all a misunderstanding. I get grilled by this dickhead cop while his friend is behind him smirking the whole time. He gave me a ticket for an expired inspection sticker and another for not having my insurance card on me.
I was late for work, got fired, and have two tickets to pay.
tishstars: A good example of the perversion of justice that is so omnipresent in the American justice system.
FleetMaster_Daedalus: Yeah man, fucking people doing their jobs make me sick.
tishstars: Oh look this man wasn't doing anything wrong-- let's try to find something we can fine him for anyways. All whilst actual crime runs rampant. Get a life you sycophAntic douche
ElGoddamnDorado: Driving around with an uninspected car isn't doing anything wrong? TIL.
tishstars: Never said he wasn't in the wrong on that account, just that it was aside the point from why the cops pulled him over in the first place. It's quite evident that they were irate at the situation and looked for an excuse to punish this man. So in the end it becomes a legal runaround while more substantive crimes that actually require the police's attention occur.
FleetMaster_Daedalus: So if a guy hits your car and has no plates, then he shouldn't be punished for having no plates? I mean having no plates isn't as bad of a crime as arson or murder, so then he should just be allowed to have no plates with no repercussions because comparatively the cops have better things to do.
| 7 | 36.857143 | |
1410566490 | 1410578504 | t3_2g8yry | t5_2to41 | 9 | shitmyselfgapingass: TIFU by firing a shitball out my ass cannon
I was home alone letting a bandaid on my ass heal so I was on my bed with my ass up in the air. I can do this thing where i make myself gape super easy and my butthole goes FLAFF FWAH FLAFF FWAH. So anyway im on my bed youtubing and i start doing it. In an instant I felt something wrong, a solid mass exiting my butthole at supersonic speed, I pucker up but it's too late, a small rum ball shaped mass of hard dark poop has splattered on my wall and bounced back on my bed. Now my butthole hurts and my room smells.
stabinthedark_: Why... why would you casually make your ass gape?
MurphsLaw83: I know what those words mean individually, but strung together I choose to not understand.
stabinthedark_: Too late it's in your subconscious.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410564867 | 1410575752 | t3_2g8we4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by small talking with a cashier
I was fixing my bike all day and aftewards I went to the store. In the checkout the cashier mentions I have a grease stain on my cheek and I thank her for telling me and say "I wouldnt want to be walking down the street with something black on my face". The customer behind me was black and clearly heard it.
MrMedicine: Black guy here. This is fucking hilarious
[deleted]: "can't touch this"
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410567836 | 1410587077 | t3_2g90oq | t5_2to41 | 24 | volkachu2: TIFU by rejecting a guys homecoming invite
So today started out like any normal day: tired, cold, and lots of me not wanting to be there, and considering I had three tests coming my way there wasn't much to be happy about. So first period went smoothly,well as smoothly as math class can go. But then second period came around, and this is where it allllll went downhill. I'm walking, listening to music when I see my teacher outside the class room (she hates phones and such so we have to put them away before even going in) so I do so and she is standing there talking to me, asking about drama club and if I was going to join yadda yadda. Then I entered the room...and there I see in right in front of me, is this guy, who I'm not even very good friends with, standing in-between two of my guy friends holding a cookie cake and the two guys holding a sign each with balloons in the background that alllll said "Homecoming?". He asked in front of my class (btw hes a senior and I'm a sophomore) "Will you go to homecoming with me !?!?!?!?", to which I started hyperventilating, and in a not-knowing-what-to-do, panicky state, I threw my hands over my eyes and told him really fast and slightly shouty that I already had plans and I couldn't go with him. To be quite frank I wanted to go with the cookie cake more than I wanted to go with him, because he would cling to me during the night and weeks after like saran wrap to a bowl, and I was not going to have any of that. But anyway after my frantic but nice-ish rejection his face went from happy to tears in probably 5 seconds flat, and he left in tears and I'm pretty sure went home after that. Now since it's high school this spread like wildfire, as if people yelling at me in class that I "did a nono" and that I "wasn't supposed to do that" wasn't bad enough, now half the school knows and everyone is calling me a bitch behind my back... Fuck my life.
Oh and heres his facebook statuses showing a complete 180
http://imgur.com/6AMbo9K
ryancarp3: What happened to the cookie cake?
volkachu2: I think he ate it which I'm kinda upset about...
neanderhummus: ask him to make you another one this is how love works
| 4 | 6 | |
1410566796 | 1410596076 | t3_2g8z8r | t5_2to41 | 11 | interestingsoup: TIFU by falling asleep
First post ever. Be gentle.
EDIT: Sorry for the wall of text.
This happened a couple months ago, but still makes me cringe daily.
My buddy, we'll call him Ryan, and I went out to Las Vegas for a few days for a conference and to do all of those other Vegas things. When planning this trip, I told my long distance girlfriend the dates and she convinced her family to stay for a couple of nights in Vegas so we could see each other for the first time since May (she still has a year left in college, lives in CA, I'm from PA.) This is great for every reason INCLUDING the fact that her parents aren't huge fans of me. We figured this would be a great time to possibly mend some bridges.
Context of their disdain for me: My girlfriend and I are sexually active and one fine day back in September 2013 she started seeing things around her naughty bits that didn't belong. At first we thought that maybe it was a UTI or possibly that she was allergic to the condom, but after getting tested it was determined that it was HSV 1, the mighty herpes. We were both pretty perplexed since we've been faithful to each other and couldn't understand how this happened. I got tested, and it turns out I gave her herpes unknowingly because I'm asymptomatic. Which makes me wonder how many people now have cold sores because of me. Ugh. Anyway, she obviously told her mom, who was obviously not happy that her daughter now had herpes, but at least she kept that secret from her dad....for a while. Smash cut to a month later, everything is beginning to get back to normal when my SO finds out in the worst way possible that her parents can read her imessages. She sent an explicit message to her best friend about one of her escapades, her mother saw it, told her father everything and ensured 100% parental hatred.
Back to Vegas. The first night goes very well, all things considered. We go out to dinner, then drinks, then more drinks. I offer to pay, they refuse. My SO and I get some alone time for drinks and sexytime (her parents forbade her from going to my hotel room, but that request was ignored.) After that, we met up for MORE drinks with the family and then called it a night around 1:30. All in all, its a good night. Her mother was a little overbearing at points, demanding in all seriousness why her husband hasn't grilled me more. Nothing too serious though.
The second night, I took my SO out for dinner alone while her parents went out for dinner and a show. We had a great dinner and awesome sex. After the sex, I called Ryan and we met up with him to go out. We make our way around to several clubs and drink our fill, Ryan more so. 3:30 rolls around and we leave the club, but Ryan gets separated from the group and isn't answering his phone. He's also blacked out at this point. My phone's running low on battery, so, in my drunken state, I decide the best course of action is to return to my room with my SO, charge my phone for a little bit, then walk her back to her hotel. Everything was going according to plan until I laid down on my bed and promptly passed out with my SO passing out shortly after in a chair.
About 40 minutes later, my hotel phone starts ringing. I'm seriously confused, it's still dark out and I definitely didn't ask for a wake up call. Oh but did I get one hell of a wake up call. I answer the phone. It's her dad. Fuck. What time is it? Double fuck. Five missed calls, four texts and three voicemails. Goodbye, world. "Get my daughter home, right now." "YES SIR!" And out the door we went as fast as our legs could carry us.
We haul ass up the strip. Her hotel was on the other side of it and takes us about 20 minutes to walk (probably should have taken a cab, wasn't thinking clearly.) As we start getting closer to the hotel my SO starts crying and telling me that her parents are going to be super mad and that she doesn't know if we can get through this. I tell her everything is going to be ok and that we got through herpesgate, how bad could this possibly be?
Once we got to the hotel, her parents were waiting for us in this corridor that connects their hotel with the one next to it. I walk up to her parents and before I can get a single word out, her mother rears back and slaps me across the face. Her father had to restrain her from hitting me some more. She goes positively nuclear. Some choice quotations: "You're not fucking right from my daughter, you just use her!" "You look insulted that I hit you, I bet you beat women." You're lucky my daughter is so fucking stupid or else she wouldn't be caught anywhere near you." "My husband would beat you if he had any balls and wasn't scared of going to jail. My grandfather would just fucking shoot you." "Did you know I brought my children up to think that 'shut up' was a curse word? How fucking dare you to even jokingly tell my daughter to 'shut up.'"
That went on for an eternity. She demanded my father's phone number to tell my family. I refuse multiple times. She dismissed me when she knew she wasn't going to get it. I'm walking back to the hotel, head spinning, chainsmoking, when I get a call from a number I don't know. I figure its one of her parents and that I need to answer it. It's my SO.
"Hey...my parents don't want me to come home with them. Can I stay with you?"
What. The. Fuck.
I agree and start heading back to her hotel. When I finally find her room, its nearly 5:30 am. I knock on the door. All I hear is the mother. "There is no fucking way that piece of shit is coming in here." I wait in the hallway. Mother keeps screaming. She insults me more, insults my parents (whom she has never met) and my job (I work at a carwash.) Eventually, I get tired of standing and sit down. I pass out.
I wake up at around 7:30 am. There's no more yelling, no more talking or anything. At this point, I figure they've relented and let her go home with them. I get up and head back to my hotel, head spinning from the massive shitstorm that ensued over the past few hours. All due to a drunken decision to charge my stupid phone.
Ryan woke up when I got back. I asked him where he went after the club. He said he went to the casino and won some money playing video poker. The bastard.
TL; DR Unwittingly gave girlfriend herpes, made parents hate me, tried to salvage their respect for me, torpedoed it further.
Moral: Make sure your fucking cell phone is always charged.
Teotwawki69: I'm not sure from the story, but what exactly made her mom turn into psycho bitch?
interestingsoup: I think it was the fact that she wouldn't believe that we weren't having sex when we were actually asleep. I understand that that looks bad, but as far as the slapping and verbal abuse goes, not too sure.
Teotwawki69: I guess it was the "Shut up" part that threw me off. But, seriously, dude -- her mom straight out assaulted you. That ain't cool...
interestingsoup: Not a huge fan. And if it was anywhere but vegas, probably would have dealt with it
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1410567591 | 1410572766 | t3_2g90cz | t5_2to41 | 6 | dangfuckup: TIFU by jokingly calling my brother's girlfriend a prostitute
First you have to know that I make mean jokes about pretty much everyone who knows me good enough, including my friends, my family and so on. I try to make sure that everyone whom I make these jokes about knows that I am not trying to be mean; I make them for good punch lines (and mostly they're really good, if I may say so).
She's my brother's girlfriend for quite a long time now and she pretty much knows my family. She's heard the jokes I make and usually laughs. I thought that she had already noticed that i make these jokes for the laughter's sake. Yeah, I was wrong. I might have to mention that she works in retail.
So they were about to go somewhere. She was looking at something on her phone, my brother was sitting next to her and I was getting something to drink. Anyway, she said "I think I might buy these shoes. But they are expensive, they cost 50€." My brother answered saying "Why do you think about it? You have the money." She said "But I can't stop thinking about how long I'd have to work for it."
Then I blast the words "1 customer?" grinningly towards her. My brother bursts out laughing. Her face goes into pieces, she yells at me. "What is your problem? I did nothing to you!" She goes upstairs. I'm puzzled but I don't think that it is so much of a problem. I go back to my room.
After roughly a minute my brother comes in and tells me to never say something like that again to her and he also tells me to say sorry, which I of course do. Apparently she's really angry now. Oh well.
So, today I fucked up by making a joke implying that my brother's girlfriend is a prostitute.
Lehk: she's mad because you know.
dangfuckup: I'm sure it would be a good idea to tell her that the only reason why she's angry is that she's on her period.
I might do that tomorrow.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410570358 | 1410616465 | t3_2g946b | t5_2to41 | 41 | YeahTifu: TIFU by meeting my gf's dad!
Ok, so I'm really shy and so is the girl I (unsure at this point what we are) am seeing. We have been going out and chit chatting for the last 2 months we have established we are dating although we have not done anything in bed.
She invites me to meet her parents she hasn't told me a single thing about them so I ask but she said you will just have to see. It's now 11 am and I pick her up from her place and I ask the address, she said I will just show you. At this point I'm a bit confused why she isn't telling me a single thing... After about an hours drive we pull into an estate that looked fancy. I thought ok they might be a little bit wealthy maybe retired here or something. What I found out next, her dad is (was going to say the name but for my privacy and hers I won't) a well known politician here in Australia whom I do not like and I have told this girl that I don't like this politician before.
This man was involved in raising prices for uni and tafe students and the reason behind making a lot of people quit because they simply couldn't offered it. I shake his hand and at the exact time of touching his old wrinkly hand I splurged out the words "Wish I had a big house like this, I might have been able to finish my degree" .... Yeah, he pulls his hand away and asks me to leave. But no that wasn't the fuck up.
As I pull out of the drive way in complete anger that this girl didn't tell me who her dad was I backed into the huge gate at the end of the drive way. I panicked and drove off, 3 mins later I was getting pulled over by 6 police cars, 20 mins later I was in lock up and 9 Hours later I get a court date for vandalising and assaulting a politician.
I'm waiting to see if I make the newspaper or news I kinda hope I do it will really top everything off.
TL;DR: met gfs dad, turns out his a politician I hate. Smashed his gate and got put in lock up for 9 hours.
AbsentmindedAsshole: Federal or Local politician?
hamsterjames: Fairly sure it'd be a federal politician, as federal government has the primary responsibility of tertiary education funding.
As some have mentioned, it sounds most likely to be Christopher Pyne, the Federal Minister for Education.
AbsentmindedAsshole: Not Abbott? He has two daughters. And Pyne's daughter is 13
hamsterjames: I'm fairly sure Pyne has two daughters.
I'm assuming it wouldn't be Abbot because I'd assume he'd already know the girlfriend was his daughter, either by asking about the name or simply their media presence. Plus, I think there might be much more to call Abbot out on than just the education cuts.
Another possible choice could be Joe Hockey, as he was in charge of the budget responsible for the education cuts.
AbsentmindedAsshole: Hockey sounds right to me. Fairly common name and not neccessarily the first you think of
| 6 | 6.833333 | |
1410568174 | 1410618757 | t3_2g915l | t5_2to41 | 18 | Ithswo: TIFU by.....
TIFU by realizing for the first time in 3 years that the room I wack it in (bathroom) is directly above my usually heavily populated family room and that everyday for the past 3 years anyone who is in the bathroom can hear a very noticeable thumping when I'm doing my business....
Ferl74: That's why you should jerk off in the basement, sitting in the dark, with a belt tight around your neck, like normal people.
KatzOfficial: Honestly, what is the belt for? I've never used one.
Autoerotic asphyxiation?
Ferl74: Yes, but I was joking, don't do it. You will die.
KatzOfficial: Testing it, for science.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1410570544 | 1410573667 | t3_2g94fm | t5_2to41 | 8 | silentdragoon: TIFU by convincing my roommate to buy a PS4 and a copy of Destiny so we could play together
Destiny looked awesome in the previews - a future sci-fi world, Borderlands-style loot to find and character upgrades... and it's made by Bungie, who made the Halo series and just recently bought back their independence from Microsoft. It must be good, right?
I convinced my roommate to pick up the game, and then a PS4 so that he could actually play with me. (We have the other three consoles the game comes on, but there's no kind of cross-platform or even just split-screen play...).
We've had an OK time so far, but at level 10 of 20 the bosses have been boring bullet sponges and he hates the multiplayer. Reviews of the game came out today, so I read them to see if there was anything else to look forward to... and the answer is "no, not really."
So now I'm terrified that we'll get to the end of the game in another couple evenings of playing, and we'll be like... we paid $400 for that? And he'll hate me forever, for wasting his hard-earned cash.
TIFU.
Sven_88: That's why you research shit before you buy it.
silentdragoon: Good idea, but the reviews for the game came out a week after it was released
Sven_88: That makes no sense. They really should come out before.
| 4 | 2 | |
1410570087 | 1410593319 | t3_2g93sd | t5_2to41 | 62 | fractionofasecond: TIFU by falling asleep after masturbating.
Okay, so this happened like an hour ago. I'm fucking embarrassed. It's almost 5 am.
My mom is out of town on a business trip, so my brother and I are alone. We always go out when she's away, but I wasn't in the mood to go out tonight, so he went alone.
Anyway, I was playing a little Xbox in my room, got bored and decided to watch the movie Looper in the living room.
At the scene where the girl climbs into the bed with JGL, my mind dwelled and I got horny as fuck. I went to my room to get my laptop, went back to the living room, lay on couch, pants down, browsed some porno sites and jacked off.
When I was done, I put my laptop on the floor. I use the "dickskin-over-dickhead" technique when I'm done masturbating, so that my dick gets flaccid and I don't have to struggle getting the semen out later.
While I was waiting for my dick to soften up, I dosed off. The next thing I know is that my brother wakes me up while laughing. I knew what happened. I panicked and jumped up, without pulling up my pants, to get to the bathroom. I stumbled and saw 3 or 4 of his friends, who all looked weirded the fuck out. Not that I blame them, because I was running butt naked with semen all over my dick hair and legs.
I heard them leave a couple of minutes later. I only got out of the bathroom a couple of minutes ago when I heard my brother going to sleep.
I'm not going to sleep. I can't.
Tl;dr; Fapped. Dosed off. Brother and 3-4 of his friends saw my dick and semen.
Just_a_smuck: Embarrassment, not a f/u. Everyone does it. And then there are people who lie about it.
THE_IRL_JESUS: He still fucked up by going to sleep in that state.
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1410798223 | 1410979842 | t3_2g95r3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | TruthNukes: > Sure, but I have standards that none of them have met.
Dude, I'm sure that there are at least a few attractive women who live in your general vicinity.
> Implying that this person couldn't have fully represented herself honestly, then disappeared anyway, is a failure of imagination on your part.
After about age 22, when I more or less figured out how people operate, any woman who ever flaked on me in even the slightest way never got even another thought from me. Flaking is a sign that she has a complete lack of value for you. I once left a woman in a restaurant for taking a call while we were on a date. My time is far too precious to me to yield any of it to someone who shows such a lack of interest. Next batter up.
> Also, you're speaking like someone who has never gone through any of those things yourself, which makes it pretty ironic that you'd insult all these people for having troubles you'd never have and simplifying their problems.
My life has been, objectively, far more difficult than the vast, vast majority of my feeble countrymen. I grew up in poverty (first world type mind you), have lost numerous friends and family members, and have come within a hair's breadth of death multiple times. The things that "troubled" people find overwhelming are laughable.
As for my children, the will never go through a "crippling depression," because I will not suffer to raise them to be weak. I teach them to reject excuses and pretense, to embrace challenge, and to rise again and again after defeat. Like me, they will see the constant bombardment of "therapy," "life coaches," anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, nootropics, and on and on for what they are: a money-making scheme that preys upon the weak.
DaystarEld: >Dude, I'm sure that there are at least a few attractive women who live in your general vicinity.
Yes, and I've dated some of them. But just being attractive is not enough.
>As for my children, the will never go through a "crippling depression," because I will not suffer to raise them to be weak. I teach them to reject excuses and pretense, to embrace challenge, and to rise again and again after defeat.
...Good luck with that. I really hope I'm wrong in saying this, but your confidence that this is all it takes to ward off any such things is going to make it that much harder to deal when your expectations aren't met and one of your kids has a hard time. With this attitude you're likely just going to double down and make life harder for them for not being able to meet your standards.
Again, a pretty bad failure of imagination, not to mention ignorance of just how mental diseases work.
TruthNukes: Look, I get it. You're invested. It's important for you to believe that clinical psychology is more than just modern witch doctor magic.
When I was in the military, I really wanted to believe we were "spreading democracy" in order to make the world a better place for everyone.
I'll leave you with a story.
A friend of my family is a psychologist and social worker. She's a very nice lady. Literally every time she sees my sister and I she marvels, "how did you two do so well!" It literally astounds her that the two of us, growing up as we did, are now quite well off. It doesn't fit with her worldview, whereby humans have no agency and are simply victims or benefactors of their environment.
She asked me once if I ever had therapy and I laughed. She said, "how can you not have needed that?"
I replied, "I'm not weak."
It's that simple.
> Again, a pretty bad failure of imagination, not to mention ignorance of just how mental diseases work.
Did you know that 1/4 of adult women are on some form of anti-depressant? Did you perhaps know that 1/5 of boys under the age of 18 are considered to have ADHD?
Now, I'm not a psychiatrist, but my math skills are pretty reasonable. It strikes me as odd that we have such an explosion, an "epidemic," of these types of "illnesses" that didn't seem to affect humans over the vast majority of recorded human history. Perhaps such "illnesses" are merely a normal part of the range of human psychology.
Thus, we are labeling normal conditions as abnormal. Now, why would we do that?
A wise man once told me, whenever you want an answer to why this or that has occurred, ask yourself one question: who profits?
DaystarEld: So every neurologist and biologist who studies, say, depression, and the physical causes and symptoms of it are... lying? Faking it? There's a global conspiracy? You're not going to start talking about "thetans" now are you?
Look, I get it. Your ego is tied into the idea that you're a superman, the captain of your ship, and that the frail masses are no match for your towering strength of will. Overcoming phobias and addiction is just a matter of "willpower" and not being "weak!"
But chances are, you're just a healthy person who was resilient enough to overcome whatever hardships you had without damage. Well, unless rampant egotism and arrogance can be considered "damage."
Because as right as criticizing the pharmaceutical industries is, and as terrible as pathologizing psychiatrists are, your leap from "some people don't really have mental issues" to "mental issues are a hoax and people are just weak" isn't just illogical, it's ignorant of the wealth of research on the topics.
TruthNukes: > So every neurologist and biologist who studies, say, depression, and the physical causes and symptoms of it are... lying? Faking it?
One could say that it's not dissimilar from studying phrenology. Sure, there's all sorts of things you can say or write about, but it's not indicative of any actual cognitive processes.
Truthfully, that's not totally fair. The mind is a machine, and any machine can be studied. Nevertheless, when you have an explosion of mental "illnesses" over one or two generations, one must question whether or not said "illnesses" are merely overly broad diagnoses. That's really the root of my argument.
> There's a global conspiracy?
It's not conspiratorial to seek profit. Nothing unusual or profound about that.
And, it's certainly not "global." From the largest pharmacy to the individual practitioner, there is money to be made by convincing people they have problems that can be cured, if only they will pay you a bit of money. Even better, let's convince the masses that said issues are "very important" and "we as a society" are responsible, thus forcing *everyone* to pay for it! Brilliant!
> You're not going to start talking about "thetans" now are you?
I'm not the one peddling vague and poorly documented maladies for which I have a cure, if you will but pay me.
Someone in this conversation is, but it's not me.
> Your ego is tied into the idea that you're a superman, the captain of your ship, and that the frail masses are no match for your towering strength of will.
This is not about me. I didn't discuss myself until you claimed that I led some magical life, free from all the ills that have befallen your clientelle. I'm the one who's trying to hand people back the reigns to their own lives; you and your kind only seek to convince them that they need crutches, which you will provide, of course, if only they will but pay you.
> Because as right as criticizing the pharmaceutical industries is, and as terrible as pathologizing psychiatrists are . . .
Why is one different from the other?
Both are profiting from convincing others that they are in need of some cure, based on maladies of dubious credibility. Some are just more successful at it.
By the way, I do not scoff at all psychology. The field is full of excellent work. Bodies of data related to IQ are some of the most robust data ever collected on human cognition. Experimental psychology, to include neurobiology, is simply full of excellent work. One of my favorite books of late is, "Rational Choice in an Uncertain World," by Hastie and Dawes. It draws heavily on psychological experiments of the previous three decades.
My issue lies with those who abuse this science, taking up the mantle of credibility dishonestly, to peddle false wares. Of course, this is done routinely in a vast array of disciplines. Hell, I suppose I don't even have a problem with it. If you can get people to part with their hard earned cash, good for you! We all have our gifts; use them how you see fit. Personally, I just couldn't keep a straight face.
DaystarEld: >Nevertheless, when you have an explosion of mental "illnesses" over one or two generations, one must question whether or not said "illnesses" are merely overly broad diagnoses. That's really the root of my argument.
Over broad diagnoses is a world apart from "these things don't actually exist and people suffering from them just lack willpower."
>It's not conspiratorial to seek profit. Nothing unusual or profound about that.
The vast majority of researchers are not making money hand over fist. They're not getting kickbacks from Big Pharma. You're confusing the doctors who are trigger happy to prescribe medication with the researchers who study the illnesses. The reason conspiracy theories like this are so out of whack is the utter ignorance of what it's like to actually be in the field.
>I'm not the one peddling vague and poorly documented maladies for which I have a cure, if you will but pay me. Someone in this conversation is, but it's not me.
You're the one with absolutely no knowledge of a field that is utterly sure you know better than the people working in it what's going on. The only difference between you and people who deny vaccines is you're so utterly ignorant of how the brain works that you think mental issues are less "real" than physical ones, despite the mind residing and relying utterly on the physical organ we call the "brain."
>This is not about me.
Passing judgement on others for not being as strong or wise as you absolutely makes the discussion about you.
>I didn't discuss myself until you claimed that I led some magical life, free from all the ills that have befallen your clientelle.
Reading comprehension fail. All I said was that you clearly have not experienced the things my clients have, such as depression and phobias and addictions. Which you admit. You just attribute it to your ubermensch status rather than taking the time or effort to educate yourself.
> I'm the one who's trying to hand people back the reigns to their own lives; you and your kind only seek to convince them that they need crutches, which you will provide, of course, if only they will but pay you.
Doubling down on the ignorance, I see. Therapists don't try to fix problems: they give people the tools to fix their own. A successful therapist is one that never sees a client again, and a therapist who has seen the same client for years and years on end is considered a quack among "my kind."
>By the way, I do not scoff at all psychology. The field is full of excellent work... My issue lies with those who abuse this science
The fact that you can't actually distinguish real science from false is what makes this statement so bemusedly sad. You've read a few books sampling a few fields and you think you're an expert on all of them. Truly, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
But I'm clearly not going to change your mind about this, because you're not here with the idea that you might be wrong: you've already made your conclusions, wedded your ego to them, and have a narrative that fits everything in its place reliant on your assertions being correct.
So I'll end the conversation with a book recommendation (not related to mental illness at all). Since you liked "Rational Choice in an Uncertain World," check out "Thinking, Fast and Slow." It's a great review of cognitive biases, heuristics, and thinking patterns that we've discovered, all backed up with the research and with examples that demonstrate how we fall prey to them in our daily lives.
Hope you enjoy it, and cheers.
TruthNukes: I've read "Thinking." It's not a bad read at all.
A couple notes.
1. One need not be an expert in a field in order to judge its worth. I'm quite certain Astrology is complete horseshit, but I couldn't tell you the difference between a Capricorn and a Virgo.
2. What matters in judging the worth of a field, or sub-field, is evidence. For example, why do I tout IQ studies? Perhaps it is because the vast array of data generated by various IQ has been shown to provide exceptional predictive power along a wide range of cognitive task.
3. So, with that in mind, I will apply the same standard to psychotherapy. All I want is some robust data that shows that psychotherapy reduces (insert issue here) in a population versus a placebo. Pretty simple, and I think Karl Popper would approve.
DaystarEld: >One need not be an expert in a field in order to judge its worth. I'm quite certain Astrology is complete horseshit, but I couldn't tell you the difference between a Capricorn and a Virgo.
Comparing a superstition with a science, again, shows the ignorance from which you're arguing. The epistemological basis of astrology is completely different than that of therapy. If I asked you whether the brain was part of the body, you'd probably say "Of course!" But somehow you can't seem to grasp the concept that, as an organ in the body like any other, the brain might also have ailments that can be studied and treated: your ego and self-worth are tied to believing that the mind is immune to such misfortunes, because it puts you a step above everyone suffering from them.
>What matters in judging the worth of a field, or sub-field, is evidence. For example, why do I tout IQ studies? Perhaps it is because the vast array of data generated by various IQ has been shown to provide exceptional predictive power along a wide range of cognitive task.
>So, with that in mind, I will apply the same standard to psychotherapy. All I want is some robust data that shows that psychotherapy reduces (insert issue here) in a population versus a placebo. Pretty simple, and I think Karl Popper would approve.
You mean like [this](https://www.apsa.org/portals/1/docs/news/JonathanShedlerStudy20100202.pdf) or [this](https://www.apa.org/education/ce/effective-therapists.pdf) or [this](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3481424/) or [this](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11039685) or [this](http://www.nrepp.samhsa.gov/Norcross.aspx)?
Does that mean all therapists utilize effective, evidence-based therapeutic methods? [Of course not.](http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/03/25/looking-for-evidence-that-therapy-works/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0) "According to Dianne Chambless, a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, some therapists see their work as an art, a delicate and individualized process that works (or doesn’t) based on a therapist’s personality and relationship with a patient. Others see therapy as a more structured process rooted in science and proven effective in both research and clinical trials."
And that means that some therapists will be better than others (I graduated with at least two people who I think should never practice therapy, and hope they did not go on to attain their license), and some therapeutic techniques will have more evidence supporting their effectiveness than others (if you ever meet someone who's trying tout the virtues of psychoanalysis, grab your wallet and run).
But the problem with your perspective is, again, you're completely ignorant of the actual field you're criticizing, so all details or nuance escape you. Your position requires a massive, global conspiracy in which every established professional and student is blindly carrying on and dismissing the supposed gaping lack of evidence you assume exists.
And if you try to bring up Big Pharma again, learn the difference between a therapist and a psychiatrist. The former cannot prescribe medication, and the prevalence of pill-pushing psychiatrists in our culture is not an argument against the reality of mental illnesses or the effectiveness of therapy.
TruthNukes: I haven't had time to read all of these studies, so I can't dismiss them. However, I am *very* skeptical of any analysis that ultimately rests solely on subjective judgments. It is especially important to be skeptical when said judgments are made by those with a stake in the observation at hand.
This just doesn't fly in science or engineering.
For example, the 1983 Lipsey and Wilson Meta Analysis lists "various therapies and disorders." How are these things defined?
A psychotherapist meets with a person and says, "you have depression."
Then, he says, "do three Hail Freud's and see me in the morning."
The next morning he meets with the person again and says, "you're cured!"
Now, he records this data, and this guy is a data point that shows a very strong "positive outcome". Shit loads of other therapists do the same, and voila, you have some very nice looking effect sizes.
Color me unimpressed.
Now, I haven't dug into these specific studies. But, I would be willing to bet that the baseline data ultimately rests solely on subjective reporting by (noneother than) psychotherapists for the vast, vast majority of the data sets. Is this not the case?
DaystarEld: >But, I would be willing to bet that the baseline data ultimately rests solely on subjective reporting by (noneother than) psychotherapists for the vast, vast majority of the data sets. Is this not the case?
Subjective reports like what? The number of anxiety attacks someone has in a month is objective. How much weight someone with anorexia gains is objective. How many months/years someone remains sober without relapse to an addiction is objective. And of course studies conducted by the therapist themself would be worthless.
You're making a number of assumptions, the two major ones being a) that all therapies are the same, and b) that a therapy's success is judged by subjective measures.
Obviously how the client says they feel is important: they are ultimately the one with the expertise in their own mind/life. But even the more subjective problems have objective symptoms. Someone with depression who cuts themself isn't going to be seen as a success just because they say "I feel happier" if they're still cutting themself. Someone with anger management issues isn't going to be considered a success just because "I feel calmer" if their family still reports them throwing things and yelling every day.
>This just doesn't fly in science or engineering.
"Science" is a process. Simplified, science is just the testing of hypotheses and recording/comparing of the results to minimize biases and errors. That it's harder to eliminate those biases and errors in softer fields like psychology than harder ones like engineering doesn't change the value of the process: it just makes it harder to get good data.
TruthNukes: You know, I'm still not sold on clinical psychology, but I must admit that your arguments have won some respect from me.
In any case, I also just looked back at this thread and realize that I came at you pretty hard given the content.
So, for what it's worth, you seem like a reasonable person. I wouldn't waste anymore time with the flake, which was the original topic at hand. Good luck and happy hunting on the dating scene!
DaystarEld: Thanks, and I take back the comment about you not being open minded :) Let me know if you're ever interested in some other book recs!
| 12 | 0.666667 | |
1410569326 | 1410576231 | t3_2g92q8 | t5_2to41 | 186 | TheMapesHotel: TIFU by misplacing my post surgery, heavily drugged up husband and making his mom think he was dead.
Note: This actually happened today and does not include sex or excessive amounts of poop.
Yesterday my husband had surgery (three different sinus procedures and had his tonsils and adenoids removed) during which he had complications so we stayed overnight in the hospital. He was in an incredible amount of pain so the doctor responded with an incredible amount of drugs creating a gelatinous mass of husband that could not stay conscious and did not know his or my name nor where he was or what had happened to him. The doctor actually had to break his cheek bones to make room for the sinus procedure so his face and eyes were black and blue and he was bleeding from the nose. In short he was a mess.
Well our insurance would only cover one night in the hospital so this morning they further drugged him up and sent us off. After packing up all his belonging and post care items they got him into a wheel chair but could not find anyone to wheel us out. We were quickly approaching the hour where his bill would begin coming out of our pocket so I offered to wheel him down to the car in the garage and leave the chair by the door.
My fuck up came when I got off on the wrong floor of the parking garage. Before I could turn around the doors had shut and the elevator was whisking my blacked out husband four floors back up.
I ran to the floor where the elevator was going but he wasn't there. It was at this moment his mother called me to check on him. I was frantic, stressed, and hadn't slept in 48 hours so when she pleasantly asked how he was I told her "I lost him okay? I fucking lost him and I have to go." click. His family knew he had had complications with the surgery so his hysterical mother begins calling his brothers, his dad, his grandparents etc. telling them husband was dead.
I ended up going to the information desk and asking for help. It took us two hours to locate my husband as someone had intercepted him thinking he had been in a fight and taken him to the ER on the other side of the hospital. He had no idea who he was and I had all the bags with his wallet, phone, basically anything that could identify him.
When I did find him they had him in the ER tied down to the bed since they weren't sure what was going on with him. By the time I got him rereleased and we were on the way to the car his meds had started to wear off at which point he near sobbing said "you promised you wouldn't leave me, why did you leave me? I needed you!" As if I didn't feel bad enough. I also got a fair amount of tongue lashing for worrying the entire family and had to deal with a hysterical mother in law, even after she knew he was fine. Oh and I was late getting home so the dog had shit on the floor from not being let out for so long. Fuck, I lied this story does include shit.
TLDR; got off on the wrong floor of the hospital, elevator stole by drugged up post surgery husband who ended up in the ER. I accidentally told his mother he was dead. Dog shit everywhere.
mathingjay: That sounds so awful. One door closes and suddenly you're getting blamed from all sides. At least you got a great story?
TheMapesHotel: Right?! What happened to opening a window when you close the door God?! Just kidding.
mathingjay: Wait I thought another door was supposed to magically open!
TheMapesHotel: Shit I didn't even check the other elevator!
| 5 | 37.2 | |
1410573032 | 1410587631 | t3_2g97r2 | t5_2to41 | 465 | hugs_and_drugz: TIFU by showing my lecture hall my nudes. (19F)
This happened last September when I was a freshman. Seeing all the new froshies made me reminiscent of when I was entering the brand new world of university and fucked up on my first day of class.
So I was sitting in my first lecture of the year with a couple of new friends that I had met during Frosh Week (Freshman Orientation). My lecture hall is auditorium style and can easily seat up to 1500 people. Im in the second or third row, and there are about 12 levels of rows behind me, and they are filling up quickly as the lecture is about to start.
So as I am socializing with my new buddy, I plug in my iPhone to my new Macbook as I notice Im a running a tad low on battery power. Since I am new to this laptop, I didn't realize that the iPhoto library syncs up with the Camera Roll on the phone, and automatically imports the new photos to be saved onto the iCloud. I was turned toward my friend and wasn't really paying attention because I was chatting away, but suddenly my friend went completely silent. He gave me an awkward look and pointed at my screen, and by then an entire *album* of about 25 nude photos of both myself and my boyfriend at the time had popped up and began to upload onto my laptop. I slammed my screen shut, but not before giving everyone in the levels behind me a little slideshow of some particularly racy snaps.
My friend was cracking up, so I turned around to see if anyone else had seen. I saw some giggles, and a few girls gave me sympathetic looks, but I was so mortified I picked up my bag and relocated to the other side of the hall.
There you are reddit, thats the story of how technology inadvertently showed my peers pictures of of both my naked body and my boyfriend's. Fuck you iCloud.
urbansasquatch: Should've had an Android.
ReferenceMaster: Either that or a V8.
iTookThis1: 1. Pour V8 on Android device
2. ??????
3. Profit! ...actually no, just a ruined Android device. And V8 everywhere.
notapiffle: what a waste of V8
The_rusty_sausage: That's what it's like to chew 5 gum
| 6 | 77.5 | |
1410575614 | 1410577051 | t3_2g9b5y | t5_2to41 | 8 | imamsobeast: tifu by getting clothes to take a shower
So I'm typing this on an iPad so ignore shortens like u instead of you.
Back to topic so I'm 14 and my mom is 42 dad like 46. So I come home from me and my dad dropping off my mom at work. I get clothes to change in after taking a shower. Kind of a routine for me. I see what appears to be a plastic wrapper
Boy,was I wrong
It was a condom wrapper. Yep. I would think that my parents don't have much of a sex life because their getting to that age where there sex activity goes down (I think but I'm not an expert). Here's the biggest problem. IT WAS UNDER MY BED. So my parents just fucked on my bed and left the condom wrapper there. Now I'm thinking about my parents doing doggy style on my bed FML
Edit: i took a picture sorry for resolution I did this in a rush http://imgur.com/WfPCivW
northernberry: Uh yeah no people's sex drive can go all the way into their 60's. How do I know? Well I'm definitely not 60 years old but I do like to have sex and know for damn sure I'm not stopping in my 40s. It's alright man, you only got 4 more years but until then try not to think about it.
imamsobeast: keep thinking that it's on my bed and my parents doing doggy style I got no siblings too so I was most probably my parents I'm still throwing up in my mouth
northernberry: Unfortunately that probably won't be the last time you're disgusted if you intend on having kids. You have no idea how many people's kids have sex on their parents bed and there's a good chance yours might too. Welcome to this disgusting place we call Earth dude.
imamsobeast: Yeah guess so. At least they won't know. God dammit dad next time throw the condom wrapper away. I wondering if my dad has a secret stash of condoms somewhere...
northernberry: Obviously. How else are they going to have sex everyday? Duh!
imamsobeast: I do go to my grandmas house I'm thinking while I'm there they have sex
northernberry: Yeah you're probably right. I'm assuming they have a weird fetish going on with your bed so I hope you wash your sheets and blankets, otherwise that'd be gross.
imamsobeast: Oh my bed looked the same but it looks like they just copied me and I don't see anything but I'm takin no chances
| 9 | 0.888889 | |
1410575823 | 1410581518 | t3_2g9bg1 | t5_2to41 | 11 | imabeerye: TIFU: By losing my I.D.
Today was supposed to be a glorious day. On Tuesday I got a text from a girl who I met last weekend at a city drinking tent. She was single, three years younger than me, and pretty good looking. She also wanted to know if I would take her to a 21 plus show this weekend to see her friends band play. I ask who's gonna be going with us just to make sure. Of course two of her hot friends are going with and they want me to buy booze. Well, three girls and a handle of captain has never done me wrong before! So I tell her yes, pick me up Friday after you get the girls. A couple days roll by and it's finally the weekend. Time to let loose! Three girls and me. I'm not complaining. So I get ready and wait for them to pick me up. It's been awhile since I've been out too so this is exciting. Time hits and the girls show up, I get in, meet all of them personally. Drive up to the liquor store and ask the ladies what they want. Bottle of jack please! Perfect, I walk in, find the biggest bottle they have and walk up to the counter. The nice lady asks if I'm going to have a good night which I reply, of course and beam proudly on my bottle. Then comes the question of the night, my downfall. "do you have id sir?" I start searching my pockets sure that I have it as I've used it in the Last two hours. I come up empty. No id. No booze. I try my hardest but no cigar. I trot back to the car defeated. I tell the girls what happened and they took me home. Now I'm doing wax dabs by my lonesome and hating my brain
ReferenceMaster: Man I bet they're having a threesome right now.
imabeerye: They totally found another dude. Make it a foursome.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410661148 | 1410665523 | t3_2g9bqb | t5_2to41 | 12 | DORAKKINGOFFISH: Well sir, is it accurate?
the_human_oreo: On mobile, link plz
DORAKKINGOFFISH: The only problem is im not sure if the same images will appear in the mobile version of imgur. Sorry, bud, you'll have to wait for a computer.
the_human_oreo: But we have to try, for science!
DORAKKINGOFFISH: Theres a link at the end of my comment! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT! PLEASE SPECIFY FOR SCIENCE!
the_human_oreo: It's a really low res ass pic
DORAKKINGOFFISH: Listen mate, I literally went back in internet time to manifest a few pixels from a NON EXISTENT pic. Makes it seem a bit more valuable now doesnt it?
the_human_oreo: Yeah, but I still have to wait to use a pc since my screen's fucked and I can't zoom in, which is my fault but if you weren't so good at your job I wouldn't be in this mess
DORAKKINGOFFISH: If you were so good at YOUR job you would have a decent PC. [;)] (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5mxdnrZOtv0/TyRkHTtyySI/AAAAAAAAbNs/-X-VkB-iKlI/s1600/AF3J5.gif)
the_human_oreo: That's not your job to judge me, your job is to find the pic the internet has lost, not bitch at the people who you're doing your job fir, get back to work and find me some katy perry leaks
DORAKKINGOFFISH: Im not a hacker sir. Internet detective. Now if i needed to retrieve and find taken down leaks, that I could do. Later hombre. Message me if you ever need some.. how do you say... investigating.
| 11 | 1.090909 | |
1410578868 | 1410579105 | t3_2g9ffz | t5_2to41 | 7 | lof7: TIFU by jumping on a couch and cracking a bone in my foot.
not sure if this is the right sub but still a fuck up.
Did not happen today but when i was a kid. 15yrs old i ran jumped on a couch after the door bell rang and landed feet first on the cushion that just happened to have a toothpick stuck inside. long story short i jumped on the cushion and the toothpick went more than halfway through my foot and cracked the bone.
[deleted]: Your parents told you not to jump on the furniture
lof7: And now i see why
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410580585 | 1410581525 | t3_2g9hmh | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by using the big bathroom stall
This happened last week, but whatever. So, since there is a significant population of special needs children and teenagers at my high school this year, the school decided to renovate all the bathrooms in the school so that they have a HUGE stall with a bigger toilet with pedals, better toilet paper, a sink, etc. Unfortunately, the staff have been heavily reinforcing that NO ONE should be using the mansion stalls, except for the disabled kids.
Anyways, during class I really have to go take a shit, so I go excuse myself and head the washroom. Upon entering, I noticed every single stall was taken except for, you guess it, the mansion shitter. Since my ass is about to explode, I rush into the stall, lock the door, and manage to pull my pants down just before my tail comes out. Diarrhea. Oh boy, I'm going to be here a while. Five minutes later, just about finishing up, when I hear this clumsy, stomping, kind of walk coming into the bathroom, and then stopping in front of my door.
That's when the moaning started, getting louder and louder each time. Oh shit. There's a severely handicapped kid in front of my stall, and he doesn't know what to do. He then proceeds to start pounding on my door, moaning as he does it. I'm trying to wipe as fast as I can and get out, but the shit is still getting out. I hear a zip. Oh god. He falls onto the ground in something resembling the fetal position on the floor, and I start to hear water hitting the floor. I finish wiping and open the door to see the grisly sight of this poor kid covered in his own shit and piss. His aid starts calling him. I panic and yell "Help!" and book it out of there. The aid was too pre-occupied with the kid, and didn't try to pursue me.
Nothing's come out of this so far, so I think I'm home free, but I feel like shit nonetheless.
TL;DR
I made a disabled kid shit and piss all over himself, and didn't take accountability for anything.
smokeyust: Unavoidable dude. It happens, don't feel bad.
Yoshi001: Agreed
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1410581176 | 1410651378 | t3_2g9idq | t5_2to41 | 7 | fuzzytigerturtle: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend - (NSFW)
After a long week at school I was stoked it was Friday. Not only was it a long week but my girl was on her period but was clear for the D today since she is a "Saturday morning starter". All day I think about all the dirty things were going to do since we've been deprived of it for this whole week. Right when I get home she's wanting it, but at this point we both hadn't eaten anything all day so we began to make some food. As we wait for the oven to heat up, we start to heat up! She begs me to just slide it in a couple times. I try to play hard to get but I know I'm about to bring down the hammer. I throw her back and slide it in. Now two or three thrust in is when it all went south, and sadly I don't mean her butthole. Because It's been so long I decide I'm about to show her a thing or two. I go to go balls deep as I feel a huge pull on my foreskin. I pull out only to realize that I instantly begin to bleed from my dick, I lay down so I don't bleed to death out of my dick since I had such a ranging boner. Her being tight from the sexless week literally made me tear my dick....
TL;DR: I fucked my girlfriend's tight vagina after she finished her period to only start my own by tearing my dick.
nothinbutdumbshit: So her cervix ate your foreskin? Or was she just dry as sandpaper?
fuzzytigerturtle: Balls deep was not the best approach to start when she was so tight!
nothinbutdumbshit: Or this is what her cervix looks like http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/20207416.jpg
Mattaflap: Is that a real creature? It looks freaking badass, tell me what it is if it's real please.
nothinbutdumbshit: It is a real creature... It's called a Lamprey... AKA: OP's girlfriend's vagina
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1410579736 | 1410604410 | t3_2g9gjm | t5_2to41 | 14 | slippery_floor: TIFU by ejaculating on my bedroom floor
A little background info: I'm a 24 year old single male. This happened about a month ago
I had recently moved into a new apartment about a week before this story takes place, and hadn't had anyone over to visit yet. I had been living about 3 hours away for two years, and I was now living closer to family, so I organized a little evening get together at my place on a Saturday. I invited my parents, but they already had plans for the evening with my aunt and uncle, so instead they suggested that they all come to my place. No problem there, the more the merrier.
So now it's Saturday afternoon and I have a couple things prepared for the evening, but since everyone was also bringing food, my preparation was done and I had about an hour to kill. For some reason, my libido was heightened all morning so I figured heck why not, I'll rub one out real quick. I went into the bedroom to get the laptop, sat on the side of the bed, and about 10 minutes later, was done. My mess landed on the wood floor.
I closed the laptop screen and put it on the bed, then got up, and headed to the bathroom to clean up the little guy. The bathroom was down the hall. While in the bathroom, I decided it would be a good idea to take a dump before everyone arrived, and I still had about 50 minutes to kill. So, I plant my rear on the throne and browse reddit on my phone. Twenty minutes fly by before I notice the time and put the phone aside while I wipe up. As I'm wiping, I hear a knock on the door.
Damn, they're 30 minutes early. They aren't the type to be early, but whatever. I very quickly rinse my hands off and greet them at the door.
We all make small talk for about 15 minutes before everyone has taken off their coat and shoes and is ready for the grand tour of the place. I had painted the kitchen so I had been looking forward to giving the tour.
We all walk around the kitchen, living room, bathroom, closets, and were now coming down the hallway to the final two rooms: my bedroom and the second bedroom. Then it hits me like a freight train, I forgot to clean up the ejaculate on the floor. We are already all walking down the hallway, and I'm leading the group. My father is right behind me, and the other 3 trail on behind. I'm straight up panicking. I need to get into my room alone, just for a second, so that I can clean up the mess using the kleenex that's only an arms length away, on the night table.
I can't have them turn back because we've already seen everything behind us. My only hope is to get them into the second room, but it's pretty much just unpacked boxes in there. So I announce that we are approaching the second bedroom, and I shuffle towards the door. Unfortunately, the door to the second bedroom comes after my bedroom door, so I walked right by my open bedroom door, and hoped everyone would follow. As I walk by, I say something about how interesting the view from the second bedroom is (it's not), and hope they take the bait. As I open the door to the second bedroom, I turn back and see my father adjacent to my bedroom door, but facing me. I'm waiting for the other 3 to catch up. Milliseconds feel like seconds. I think I only inhaled once.
Then my father turns to my bedroom, right as the other three arrive. He slowly walks in. I'm fucked. I take a huge step forward to cut off the other three, then scoot beside my father to pass him from behind. The mess is only feet from the door. As I practically hop towards it, I my father looking right at it, eyes fixated on it. He knew exactly what it was. Simultaneously, he turns away and I step on the mess to hide it. The other three were entering the room, but were preoccupied with their own conversation, so I really doubt they saw what was soaking into my socks. But my father knew.
They all walked around the room, and I stood in the exact same spot the whole time, just letting the mess seep deeper into my socks. I answered their questions like, "oh when did you get this?", and "I didn't know you went to _____, how was it?". Then they walked out. I noticed my father had left the room before they did.
The moment they all walked out (they didn't even enter the second room), I whipped off my socks, wiped up what was left, and threw them out.
The evening progressed normally. My father didn't give me any looks, or show any sign of awkwardness. Despite that, I still couldn't look him in the eye for the rest of the night.
wherestheblacksmith8: He's a man too, I bet he's had his share of awkward jerking off stories
KatzOfficial: Maybe you could take your dad to the bar and ask him about them. :)
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410574466 | 1410584195 | t3_2g99mo | t5_2to41 | 8 | cool12y: TIFU by accidentally shoving someone into chair who is now getting stiches
I'm not sure if the title is explaining, so ;
It was Short Break and I was writing something on the board (usual teenage crap). He started tapping with the duster on my back, and I sort of pushed him. And he fell back and started bleeding. He's getting stitches.
LIKE WHAT IN THE WORLD? It just... happened! I did't even MEAN to shove him, nor did I intend to hut him.
The Problem? I've been an idiot and have gone super hulk and beaten others before. I don't do it for "fun," I just get super pissed at people.
I have controlled for several months, and all was coming back to normal and then this happened.
I was not angry nor irritated. And now i'm known as the guy looking around for his *"next victim"*
Au54: I don't know about all that angry stuff but I want some of them moths you're so obsessed with.
cool12y: -_-
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410581536 | 1410587736 | t3_2g9it6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing issues out of nothing leading to no sex, a lot of hurt and a possible ex-friend
So I've been sleeping with my best mate (which in itself is a massive fuck up) and everything was going ok. Then today I end up being a dick and causing problems for no reason (in the heat of the moment obviously my mind thought there was a valid reason). So my friend and I ended up having an argument about pretty much nothing which has now resulted in us completely stopping the sex and everything else that came with it.
I don't see how we can go back to being how we were before, I didn't want the sex etc to stop so it's going to be hard, especially due to feelings
I don't understand how we got to this point! I never expected us to have sex, nevermind fucking up a friendship in the process
dogcatcher408: There seem to be elements missing from your story. What exactly did you do to fuck up a good thing?
lazy_blazey: I think it's clear that he/she F'd up by ________ -ing with his/her ________ , until ________ expected more ________ for his/her ________ . The argument must have been heated, because he/she can't ________ because he/she wants _________ and he/she isn't going to ________ unless his/her friend _________ __________ , and __________ his/her _________ ________ bacon bits _________ __________ . __________ sometimes __________ __________ _________ yellow muppet, which was enough to __________ __________ and _________ over _________ .
Hope that explains things.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410582258 | 1410648178 | t3_2g9jnp | t5_2to41 | 20 | meepham: TIFU by spraying Tinactin on my lady bits
To start my room mate knows my username and if you read this and make fun of me I will pee on your bed!
Anyhow Last week I had a yeast infection. As the ladies will understand it creates a burning maddening itch that if you scratch only tears the skin and makes it a hot swollen mess. So in an act of desperation late one evening when there was no possibility of a drugstore trip I started to search for a cure. I used diluted vinegar which helped for a bit, until the clawing fiery itch returned. I tried a shower which only made it worse. I searched the cabinets and came across Tinactin foot fungus spray. Anti-fungal it says. I know yeast is a fungus the light bulb went off above my head. Yes use it!! You will feel so much better!! So I did. Let me tell all of you I am 33 I should know better. I squatted down and sprayed the contents of the hellbeast onto myself. Taking good care to spread everything apart so it could work its magic. The first two seconds were fine and then my brain registered how bad I fucked up. It felt like alcohol and paper cuts , the fire of a thousand suns, the imploding of stars and Hawaii volcanoes all in one. I let out a strangled errrrmmmphh noise and could not move. The heat radiated to my thighs! Once it dulled to a furnace temp I read the ingredients alcohol is a main one. I sat on the floor for a while and reminded myself I am not smart. Bonus it did kill the yeast but I would rather cut off fingers joint by joint than suffer that again.
witchling_22: Oh sweetie... just.. No... next time use plain jane (not vanilla) yogurt and use an applicator. It works with or without monistat. My vagina is cringing for you right now....
ironfist1994: How does the plain yogurt kill a yeast infection?
witchling_22: The bacteria naturally occuring in the vagina are the same as those in yogurt. The most common reason for a yeast infection is an imbalance between the yeast and bacteria that naturally occur. They are their own checks and balances system. Yeast tends to be the one to overcome the system the easiest. It could be from taking antibiotics, which indiscriminately kill bacteria. The good bacteria that the vagina needs is attacked and the yeast can take over. Or extreme heat, such as a person riding a horse constantly.
The bacteria from the yogurt helps to restore the checks and balances by eating and destroying the candida (the most common yeast, though it helps with the others).
Also, the yogurt is cold, which helps with swelling, itchung and burning. It is messy, I suggest a pad or sleeping on a towel.
ironfist1994: Wow, thats actually really cool.
| 5 | 4 | |
1410583788 | 1410586712 | t3_2g9lfe | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU when driving home from a water polo game
I_kill_humour: Water polo seems highly relevant to this story. I'm so glad you brought it up.
IMYmittens: OP should just rename the post "I play water polo"
| 3 | 2 | |
1410584242 | 1410588570 | t3_2g9lwm | t5_2to41 | 7 | Rowdycock: TIFU by messing with a homeless guy
Today I fucked up by screwing with this crazy homeless guy. I'll go ahead and say that this guy was an asshole and initiated it.
Anyways, I was working for my dad in DC. I had to show up at 4am every morning. As you can imagine, this is less than ideal. To make matters worse, this homeless guy would sleep at the entry way. His name was Bear, and he insisted on being a hell raiser. When he spoke, he sounded like Jim Carey's The grinch character. Bear's hobbies included littering on the property, and talking shit to me. I never did anything to the guy prior. He just insisted on being a complete dick. I suppose I should have expected it from a guy wearing a t-shirt that says "ladies show me your tits".
After a few weeks of taking his heckling, I decided to turn the tables. I brought a laser pointer from home and decided I would shine it into his eyes while he was sleeping. I did it from multiple stories of the building, which confused the hell out of him. After the third laser to the eye, he flipped out and charged the door. He started screaming "I know the FBI. You are fucked. You'll get yours you little shit". I knew this was a bluff, but I was concerned that he would confront me. Unfortunately, after this occurrence I did not see him for three weeks.
After the three week hiatus, I saw him in the paper. Bear and his wife robbed a bank. I'm now concerned that I'm on his hit list. In all likelihood, I fucked up
Cafris: Something tells me that a homeless guy wouldn't rob a bank because of a laser shined in his eyes three weeks after the fact.
acetea: He didnt imply such a thing.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410585020 | 1410632014 | t3_2g9ms1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | 1BlueWahoo: TIFU by getting in the wrong car
Few friends and I decided we didn't want to risk getting rained on while walking to the on campus cafeteria so we decided to hop in my friend's car and enjoy some delectable $5 subs. (I didn't say we were smart) Right as we paid for our food, it starts pouring outside. We decide to make a break for it with me in the lead. I run to my friend's gray car and get in. In about a 5 second span, I realize a couple of things. 1. I'm sitting on leather seats, way out of the price range of us poor college kids. 2. My friends are running towards the other gray car in the parking lot. 3. There is a miniature pinscher in the backseat next to me wearing a spiked leather collar. Oh shit, time to get out! The dog latches on to my leg as I fall out of car and slam my head on the concrete. Fortunately, the little bastard does not get my sandwich. Unfortunately, the old couple who own the car and dog are yelling at me about my attempted dognapping as I'm laying in a puddle. I quickly get up, put their dog back in their car without so much as a thank you, apologize profusely and run to the correct car to go home soaked to the bone and with a headache. For those of you wondering, the sandwich made it home without so much as a tear in the bag.
WEIRD_ASS_NAMES: OK. How was the sandwich though?
1BlueWahoo: Under normal circumstances it would have been acceptable. But after that ordeal it was fantastic! Mmmm oven roasted chicken
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410582189 | 1410604725 | t3_2g9jl7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | n00name: TIFU by peeing in a McDonalds cup
As I was leaving work today and heading up the elevator to the parking garage, my bladder decided to be a scumbag. I jump in my car and couldn't hold it so I search for anything in my car that I could pee in. I find a McDonalds cup, unzip and let it go. Feeling relieved I drive to the bank and run some other errands before going home. Flash forward to the next day and I jump back in my car to head to work only I notice a puddle in my cup holder. I sit there and stare at it hoping I'm just seeing shit but nope, it's my pee, my pee is all over the center console and cup holder. Needless to say I called in late and went to get my interior detailed.
TL;dr I peed in a McDonalds cup and it floods the cup holder.
[deleted]: Well that's not so bad. I expected to read about you finding out your SO drank it or something...
KatzOfficial: Wouldn't be surprising, considering how /r/tifu is these days.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410587389 | 1410588501 | t3_2g9p7g | t5_2to41 | 7 | WizCatchAnon: TIFU by masturbating with noise-cancelling headphones.
I awoke this morning with a screaming erection that needed to be dealt with. It was roughly 9:40 am, and I didn't have class today so my parents wouldn't expect me up by roughly 10:00am, so I thought I had enough time to jack off.
So I set it all up. Locked the door, found a good video, put on my headphones (love hearing moans), and started to five knuckle shuffle. It was going really well, everything was happening as it should.
As I am about 4 strokes away from cumming everywhere, my door swings open and my mom sees fucking everything. She starts screaming that she thought I had stopped breathing because she had "knocked on my door for 3 minutes!". She had gotten a knife and broken the lock and came in, ready to call the ambulance.
We haven't spoken for the rest of the day, and I don't think we will any time soon.
TL;DR wore noise-cancelling headphones for multi-sensory jack-off experience, mom barged into room, saw me jerking off.
Shinyfrogeditor: Wow. Your mom sounds like a nosy cunt.
Maybe you need to break both your arms and have her "help" you.
[deleted]: Have an up vote for being my first wtf today.
Shinyfrogeditor: Thank you kind sir
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410586915 | 1410592960 | t3_2g9opx | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a dump in a dirty toilet
LyricalMURDER: No need to go to the doctor just for getting pee on your butt. If you're ever curious about whether you should go to the doctor, think about what they'd actually be able to do for you. What do you think that doctor would say when you told him this story? Just wash yourself and you're fine.
hardcorvd: Could not agree more. Just wash yourself and maybe apply a bit of dettol for a peace of mind.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410588544 | 1410706266 | t3_2g9qch | t5_2to41 | 288 | cCheaterPumpkinEater: TIFU by having Skype sexy time with my husband who is away for work, now his family think I'm cheating on him..
First off: throw away because too many friends/family on reddit. And this all started last weekend...
Now a little background:
My new husband and I are currently 26 and have been dating for over 9 years. We have a 2+ year old beautiful daughter together :) My husband (was my boyfriend until about a month ago) got an amazing job offer on a whim! This also meant he would be moving out of state and away from our family :( We decided before he left that we would run to the courthouse with our daughter and get married! Yay us! But there's a catch. We've always had this perfect wedding in our minds so we don't want to tell our families until we have the money for a proper ceremony. This is where the fuck up starts:
My Husband left the day after our courthouse wedding. He moved 2,000 miles away to make about 3 times the amount of money he was making. Let's just say it's a really great opportunity for us but the place he is moving to isn't a feasible place for is to raise our daughter (very expensive city) plus we just got a house here for my daughter and I. Anyways it's been about 3 weeks since the hubby has been gone and the two of us decide to watch a movie over Skype and have some drinks together. Well, one thing led to another and I decide to put on a little show for him. So I go get my little outfit with the heels and stockings.. Whole 9 yards. Decided to take the session into the bathroom so I can give him a little shower scene. I do the strip, put on a little show, hop in the tub, more show... You know how this ends. We were both pretty tipsy, spent, and ready for bed. We say our 'love you's' and 'good nights' and head for night night. Next morning my mother, father, and sister in law come over unexpectedly and say they want to go out to breakfast. No problem. Free food, I'm hung over and STARVING. Plus I always love some good family time. Mother in law and sister in law have the worse stomach problems ever and have to use the restroom before we go. Mother in law goes upstairs, sister uses the downstairs.... Anyone see the fuck up yet? Totally didn't pick up my mess from the night before. Also, still didn't even remember until I got home that night, but thought nothing of it as I put everything in it's place.
2 days later all hell starts to break loose. My phone is going crazy with stuff from my sister in law and my husband, aunties... Everyone. My mother in law saw my heels, teddy, nylons, panties, lube, and a toy just sitting there in the bathroom. Her son hasn't been home in 3 weeks and she knows I keep a pretty tidy house, so it hasn't been lying around since.
So now my mother in law wants my husband to break up with me because she thinks I cheated (husband totally understands what happened) but she doesn't even know that we're married. So tomorrow we are all going to Skype over dinner and tell everyone we are married and it was all just a misunderstanding. So I extra fucked up because my mother in law is still going to be pissed that we got married and didn't tell them... Ugh... No sleep for me tonight...
Story breakdown:
Sexy time skyped my husband who is away and left all the goods lying out on the floor for the mother in law to discover the next morning after a surprise visit. Now she thinks I cheated and she wants us to split up..
Alcwathwen: I seriously don't undeestand how it's any of their business. Maybe you like to spoil yourself. Or you know...you have a Skype date with your SO.
The snooping and then getting to a random conclusion makes no sense. And I don't understand why that would warrant telling them you're married. I don't understand the connection?
Why can you not have your hubby say "Look mom, OP and I were just having fun through Skype. She wore this and this, which you saw lying on the ground. I know she's not cheating and I trust her." In what way is there a need to tell them you are married?
in_the_airoplane: ...is she Indian? The drama and nosiness make complete sense when seen from this cultural context. Use of the word "auntie" also contributes to this guess.
Alcwathwen: I think you replied to the wrong person?
in_the_airoplane: It was a question/response to you asking how the matter was any of their business, and how the matter didn't make any sense. Obviously you don't know if she's Indian; I was hoping the OP could respond, but I commented on your post because it related to the family's nosiness.
Alcwathwen: Ah, ok. Thank you for clarifying!
| 6 | 48 | |
1410590390 | 1410591273 | t3_2g9s3l | t5_2to41 | 1 | I_will_have_revenge: TIFU by taking too long to get to her house
[deleted]: more like today you fucked up by wasting your two days on a cocktease...
I_will_have_revenge: Also, I am no good at talking to chicks. Nor, do I have this so called "game." I'm just an honest dude and I'll take what I can get. Honestly, I didn't expect this to go anywhere.
[deleted]: you dont need to be - just sucks she put you through that...
I_will_have_revenge: Agreed!
| 5 | 0.2 | |
1410587631 | 1410624700 | t3_2g9pfl | t5_2to41 | 18 | gbinasia: TIFU by ordering with my roommate, who proceeded to kill 3 koi fishes in the night by feeding the pizza leftovers to them
And they died. All 10 pounds of dead stinky dead fish rotting in a pond of them
misformalin: Are you in Kolkata? Something of this sort happened yesterday near my friend's house
gbinasia: Nope, Vietnam.
misformalin: I was actually eating Koi fish when I saw this
MizzleFoShizzle: You can eat Koi? TIL!
misformalin: Yeah. Not the colourful variety though.
NeverWantedABlonde: Also known as carp.
misformalin: Ah. Didn't know the english name. search for Koi Mach on Google Images, and you'll see what we eat.
NeverWantedABlonde: I'm not nit picking. We feed them table scraps in the U.S.. I'm surprised pizza kills them. I've literally thrown whole ice cream cones into schools of these fish just for the show.
misformalin: I never implied you were nitpicking. Sorry if I rubbed you the wrong way.
NeverWantedABlonde: You didn't. No worries.
| 11 | 1.636364 | |
1410591023 | 1410634939 | t3_2g9spa | t5_2to41 | 93 | Jadefox123: TIFU by telling a girl I find her attractive and asking to kiss.....in Thailand
So we are this group of friends , two guys and a girl and we end up doing every thing together..even Thailand. It should be understood that this was all platonic and there was no funny business here. Now throughout the whole trip Jane ( not her real name ) gives me subtle hints, or so I thought they were, you know stuff like she is just going to brush her teeth for in case any of us tries and kiss her in a joking way. Or she would read us texts about her friend saying that Thailand is the perfect place for an one night stand.
On the very first night we went out partying and the drinks was flowing and as we were heading home my other friend said he needs to smoke a cigarette and he will get us in the room....As we board the elevator at the Hotel she touched my shirt ( new one I bought ) and says, this fits you really well makes you look buff...Now at this point I though, nay I "knew" I was going to make a move..As we entered the hotel room I sat next to her on the Bed took a deep breath and say that I find her attractive and would like to kiss her........She looked at me and said that it would not be a good idea as it might ruin our friendship...So very embarrassed I agreed and thought that would be the end of it....
Long story short the following day I received a call from her family that they bought plane tickets for her to come back as she feels severely threatened and fears for her safety. My friend feels he cant let her travel back alone ....So I am stuck in Thailand for the next week , with practically no money and most probably no friends at home...
TIFU by misreading signals
_____DEADPOOL___: You didn't fuck up actually you handled it like an adult. She is over reacting and making it a bigger deal then what it is. If I was in Thailand I would totally buy you a beer and hang out, but I am not so warm wishes and up-votes for you.
maaghen: assuming OP gave us the full story, normal people do not react like that to something like that so either she is heavily over reacting or he didn't tell us all of it.
Jadefox123: We have been friends for years and been on many trips , this was the first time though I told her how I feel about her. This was literary all I said ... Hay I like you , do you want to kiss... the odd thing at that stage was that she gave a slight chuckle and said no it will mess things up between us as friends to which I agreed and I thought that would be it... any-who managed to get a flight back home and its the end of this holiday...thanks for the other replies made me feel better about it all...
TheRealMcCoy95: Not your fault bro, I'm sure she is a nice gal but deffinatley over reacted in this situation. You will do fine, if she is really your friend she wont let it come between ya. One of my closest friends zoned me and I'm actually happy it went that way looking back. Keep a chin up there is one out there for ya.
P.S. Never ask for a kiss!! Just lean in and go for it, easiest way!
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1410593402 | 1410624367 | t3_2g9urb | t5_2to41 | 68 | ReCat: TIFU by using the handicapped bathroom in Walmart
So, One time I went to the bathroom in a walmart and I took the handicapped bathroom out of habit. I'm not handicapped, I just figured it would be OK because I have never seen a handicapped person use the bathrooms in walmart. The regular ones are absolutely tiny.
So then of course, a minute later, a guy comes rolling in on a wheelchair, and tried to open my door. Of course it was locked but my heart sank immediately as I realized i fucking am using a handicapped bathroom when an elderly handicapped man needs it.
He got very angry and started swearing as he had to fuck about with little to no control in his legs to get into the tiny regular bathroom next to me. He ended up falling on the floor in front of the bathroom stall and being unable to get up. A number of people looked but nobody helped, one guy just said "I'll call someone(employee) to come and help you"
He was swearing like a sailor and I felt like if I said anything, I would be mauled. I felt like shit and was scared shitless so I didn't talk until a few minutes later.
Nobody was helping him so after a bit I got my ass up and and said "Damn sir i'm sorry, i've never seen anyone use this bathroom". He was quiet.
I opened the door and told him "c'mon, i'll help you" and offered to help him up to his chair. He was kinda pissed and ignored me for a moment but later just let me and I helped him get back up to his chair. I honestly didn't expect for him to seemingly have no control of his legs.
Then I was just saying "man i'm sorry, i'll never use the handicapped bathroom again, it's just that i've never seen anyone come here and use it" and right after it's as if he had a complete change of heart, telling me "It's okay, i understand" and then "you're a good man" and such as I was going to leave.
I still kinda felt like shit and to this day I never use the handicapped bathroom anymore. I also avoid that walmart because I don't want to have to confront this guy again, even if he forgave me.
notProfCharles: All you gotta do is limp out and say "someone stole my crutches!?..."
ReCat: Haha. Do you need to use the handicapped bathroom if you're in crutches? Thought that's only for wheelchair use.
Kingsgirl: Handicapped bathrooms aren't *only* for the handicapped, but if there was an available toilet in your gender assigned bathroom it's kind of a dick move to do use it.
stevethecow: I always thought that it can be used by whoever, but if there is a line and a handicapped person shows up, they automatically get to be next in line for that stall.
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1410593758 | 1410623797 | t3_2g9v0u | t5_2to41 | 6 | Halo2Pee: TIFU by peeing all over myself while beating off and playing Halo 2.
To set the stage for this TIFU, I was 14 years old (a guy) playing Halo 2 in my room. My parents were gone, and it was some Saturday before a baseball game.
I'd been choking the chicken for a year or so at this point and, of course, took every chance to get better at it. While playing Tombstone [Tombstone](http://halo.wikia.com/wiki/Tombstone), I decided to whip out my dingus and give myself a go. I was playing with some cool high school kids I'd met that live on the east coast. ^Ryan ^Taranovich, ^if ^you're ^out ^there, ^I'm ^talking ^about ^you.
Mind you, all of the action was taking place when I died. Remember that 5 second respawn in Halo 2? Yeah. Then.
Well, I was reaching the grand finale when all of a sudden, this incredible urge comes from deep inside my stomach. I say #yolo and let it go.
Sure enough, I fucking piss everywhere. When I finally realized what was going on, I aimed my dick at my stomach in the hopes that I wouldn't soak the chair I was sitting on. I managed to find a towel and run over while some of the piss was still pooled on my concave belly.
I suck.
tl;dr peed all over myself thinking I was about to have a cool orgasm.
[deleted]: And they say men can't multitask.
came2downvote: This should have been the entire body of the story, I think, with the same title.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410600338 | 1410639760 | t3_2ga003 | t5_2to41 | 17 | Swagwise: TIFU by not having a big enough SD card.
Today Nintendo released demo codes for 'Super Smash Bros' to select 3DS owners. I want Smash Codes. Of course I do. Who doesn't? They are a hot commodity these days. I have been searching the deep dark of the internet for what feels like an eternity to find some codes. After hours of searching and typing and failing, I come across a lone post on Twitter. A smash code! I type it in, and get ready for failure once again, only this time it was different. The prompt was taking longer to open. Then suddenly BLAM! Super Smash Bros demo! But all is not right in my life. I don't have enough free blocks. That's okay though. This code is now tied to my account, right? I go and delete my 'Sonic and Sega All Stars Racing' demo, and return to the eShop. I wait for it to load, shaking in anticipation, when.... I get a prompt. It tells me that this code is already used.
>***FUCK MY LIFE. RIGHT IN THE BUMHOLE.***
*Sorry about this. I just really need to rant. And my cat doesn't seem to care*
UPDATE: Just found a code on Tumblr! Downloading now!
[deleted]: you mentioned your cat. upvote
monochrome83: Upvote for mentioning aforementioned cat
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1410591666 | 1410689492 | t3_2g9t8y | t5_2to41 | 1,560 | GeordiePie: TIFU - My American Pie shower
So here's my most embarrassing story that I thought I'd share.
A couple of months ago, I got out of bed early Sunday morning to go for a run as I was training for the Great North Run (2hrs16mins). However I'd tweaked my right knee earlier so thought it best just to go on the exercise bike instead. Fast forward 40 mins and I'm sweating and in need of a shower.
On arrival into the bathroom I think, "hey, why don't I treat the wife and do some manscaping down below" - I'm a true romantic.
So, I step into the bath / shower and proceed to shave. No drama, but the bath is now full of pubic hair. I step out to put my shaver away and, this is where it starts to go wrong, upon stepping back in the shower I slip, hard. Unfortunately my wife likes ornamental candles and one of them fallowed me in the fall.
After the initial shock of falling pretty hard I notice blood running between my legs. Naturally I check the tackle, we're all good! However at this point I notice a pretty long and deep gash in my left arm with blood pouring out. Shit. There's broken glass all over the bath with little bits stuck in my sides and everything. I am also, unfortunately, covered in bloody, wet, pubic hair...just picture that, a grown man covered in bloody pubic hair.
Great.
So I get out of the shower and call to my wife upstairs, standard man talk - "love, I've slipped in the shower and cut my arm, probably should go to a&e".
I then proceed back into the bathroom and taking the shower head of the wall, proceed to clean myself over the bath.
Next thing I know, I'm waking up on the bathroom floor, naked as the day I was born (substantially better endowed though). I felt sick, my first thought was that I got drunk with my friends the night before and have made an arse of myself by falling over in the bathroom, also that my wife is going to kill me! However I sit up and notice the blood every where. Few! Slipping in the shower and covering myself in bloody pubic hair is real, I didn't make a drunken tit of myself...I just passed out...wait...
After a few seconds I hear my wife frantically calling my name and telling someone to come over. It's my mam and dad who live NEXT DOOR.
My Wife later told me that she was trying to get my Mams attention through the window and all my mam kept doing was waving back...
Thankfully, I've recovered enough mental capacity to think I need a towel to cover myself or this will be embarrassing (obviously not too much mental capacity, as this was already embarrassing). So I get a towel over my privates just before the parent squad kick down the front door and come to the rescue. At this point I'm hovering over the toilet being sick..
Dad walks up, "Alright son?", " bit rough dad", whilst he rubs my back. Now I'm thinking few, not too bad, got a towel on me, got most of the pub...shit, I look over and the bath is still full of bloody, wet, glass filled pubic hair.
(Mam is comforting my wife at this point as she watched me pass out earlier and it scared her. She was great though, and was able to catch me/lower me against the bathroom door instead of just watching me fall and smash my head of the bathroom floor tiles, good lass)
I look at my dad, he's noticed the bath. "Dad, of all the days for this to happen.."
He just looks at me and says, "don't worry son, I'll sort it". He then proceeds to wash away the blood and then just starts scooping, with his bare hands, the glassy, slightly bloody pubic hair from my bath and putting it in the bin. Like a trooper. Never said a word, just back for forth, scoop, walk, bin, walk, scoop...
At this point, I'm thinking can this morning get any worse. Yes. In case you're wondering it does.
I'm sitting on the stairs at this point waiting for an ambulance that my wife rang whilst trying to get my mam's attention after I passed out.
She's still a bit shaken so I'm trying to tell her I'm feeling OK, then I notice blood running down my leg. Strange, I then stand up and there's a bloody patch on the towel where my left arse cheek is. Nope.
My mam and wife both notice and ask me to lower that part of the towel and they both cringe back. On my perfectly formed left arse cheek is a nice new, 6inch gash, trickling blood down my leg. Yay. Oh but wait, there's still more embarrassment to come.
The paramedics arrive and naturally I have to stand in front of my parents, practically naked whilst a paramedic slaps a bandage on my arse. Still unable to make eye contact with my dad, I keep saying sorry, he keeps saying don't worry about.
So, I'm taken to hospital in the ambulance. At this point I've got a gash on my left wrist and left arse cheek but I'm pubic hair free (in areas where they shouldn't be pubic hair, like open wounds).
Fast forward a bit, I've seen the doctors and they want x-rays of the wounds to make sure there is no glass in them before stitching them up. At this point I've had to show my arse to about 5 people so it's no longer embarrassing just an inconvenience.
Waiting in the x-ray ward and I see someone out of the corner of my eye walk by, he was wearing hospital scrubs, he looked familiar, but it couldn't have been him.
15 minutes later my name is called, and there at the entrance to the x-ray room, is my friend from Uni, a guy I went to Malia with. A big grin is stretched across his face, at this point I thought I had stepped into an american pie movie.
(It turns out, he'd saw my name, saw where the wounds were, did a walk by to check it was me and then told his colleagues he's doing my x-rays, bastard.)
I get to the door and he turns into the room, still laughing he says, "right mate, turn around, drop your kegs and show is your arse."
Fuck sake. The most embarrassing day of my life.
Any who, as you can imagine the next fee weeks, sitting down was a delicate operation and I couldn't properly train for the great north run for 3 weeks in case the one on my arse split open. Which it sort of did just before the event, but bugger it, still ran it anyway. Was running for a good cause.
Thanks for reading, wish I could have told it better, but I'm on my phone.
Tl;Dr fell in shower after manscaping, broke candle cuts my arm and arse, dad scoops out pubic hair and glass from bath. Friend from uni needs to xray my arse. Died of shame / embarrassment.
pot-oooooooo: Oh my gosh. The amount of British in this story is amazing. Also, so is this story. Best tifu I've read.
GeordiePie: Yep, definitely British! Ta pet!
Doooooduh: Sorry, I'm American. What does "Ta pet" mean?
AttacktheFort: Thanks friend
CreativeWorks: Jeezus ive been living in england for 8 years and just when i thought i knew all the weird stuff british people say....
Tony49UK: Aye but you've been livin down south probably in that there London. Where folks don't speak proper.
dancing_raptor_jesus: I say! We southerners do speak proper English, it's you northan louts that speak incorrectly, with your "ta-ra's" and adding a 'T' to every other word!
Tony49UK: Eh up by gum thems fighting words. Bloody southners coming round ere telling us hot to speak like.
Aye I'll let you off for tree fiddy
cherryflav0redpez:
wot the fok did ye just say 2 me m8? i dropped out of newcastle primary skool im the sickest bloke ull ever meet & ive nicked 300 chocolate globbernaughts frum tha corner shop. im trained in street fitin' & im the strongest foker in tha entire newcastle gym. yer nothin to me but a cheeky lil bellend w/ a fit mum & fakebling. ill waste u and smash a fokin bottle oer yer head bruv, i swer 2 christ. ya think u can fokin run ya gabber at me whilst sittin on yer arse behind a lil screen? think again wanka. im callin me homeboys rite now preparin for a proper scrap. A roomble thatll make ur nan sore jus hearin about it. yer a waste bruv. me crew be all over tha place & ill beat ya to a proper fokin pulp with me fists wanka. if i aint satisfied w/ that ill borrow me m8s cricket paddle & see if that gets u the fok out o' newcastle ya daft kunt. if ye had seen this bloody fokin mess commin ye might a' kept ya gabber from runnin. but it seems yea stupid lil twat, innit? ima shite fury & ull drown in it m8. ur ina proper mess knob.
grizelin: Translation: What did you say friend? I'm a failure, with little to no job prospects and as such feel the need to assert my dominance as a beta male through the use of vile language and violence. I steel and claim the be able to fight, but in reality I would probably lose to a three steal old, so have called all of my friends to organise a fight. I dislike you and your entire family and wish you all to come to harm unless you leave the Newcastle area.
NB. I can't spell
| 11 | 141.818182 | |
1410602547 | 1410637485 | t3_2ga1kp | t5_2to41 | 2,274 | Iheartcoookies: TIFU by putting my hand in an unknown liquid.
OK while my parents where away, I decided to play :)
Their place is awesome for parties so last night I invited all my friends round. We all got shitfaced as you generally do at parties and passed out.
One of my female friends took the sofa.
She woke up and left quickly this morning. Out the door quicker than she could say bye.
Anyway cut to the cleaning up and me and my bro (who also partied with us) decide to go in the living room to sit down for a little rest. He sits on the sofa where my friend slept and jumped right back up shouting 'its fucking wet!'
Well I go over and put my hand in it to see if its booze been spilled....
Nope. It was Piss. Stinky horrible Piss.
And on turning my hand over I noticed it was now also covered in blood. I looked at my bro who's pants were now also covered in blood. Period blood.
I puked. He puked. I puked some more.
TLDR; my friend pissed period blood all over our sofa and left without saying a word. Bloodbath ensued.
**Edit; wow my top post... but a few points. 1. Im a girl. 2. Friend is in her late 20s. 3. She admitted to it via text and hasn't even apologized. Just said 'oops'. **
KatzOfficial: At least you could disinfect it and wash it off.
A friend once accidentally got me to drink sulphuric acid, it wasn't pleasant. I was literally salivating foam.
Iheartcoookies: Wth. How did you accidentally drink it? Back story plz.
KatzOfficial: It was only 0.5 molar and it looks surprisingly like water. Put it in a tall, neat glass and i'd be awestruck if you could tell the difference.
tishstars: Isn't half molar pretty fucking strong in human terms? That's a pretty strong acid. Not sure what kind of a fuckwad thinks this is funny.
Anyone who has taken chemistry lab in college knows the wonderful feeling of nitric acid being spilled on one's hand. Oh the stinging
Wilson_ThatsAll: yes. for example, stomach acid is ~0.1M HCl. multiply that by 10 and it'd be roughly the same as 1N (0.5M) H2SO4
KatzOfficial: Yes, I was rushed to the ER.
It wasn't a prank, it was a mistake. He was working on something and he used whatever container he could to hold it.
Hoihe: That was very bad lab practice, wherever he was...
One of the rules of my laboratory is to label EVERYTHING that is not clearly in use by someone.
KatzOfficial: We were doing this in our room.
And I'm an Indian, we're not known for our good practices anywhere.
Hoihe: Even better reason to label deadly stuff!
KatzOfficial: Let me just grab this handy label maker I happen to carry everywhere... *Oh wait*.
Lmitation: ways of labeling things:
-sharpie
-sticky note
-putting container on top of paper with contents written on it.
------------------
Either way it was stupid to leave it unlabeled as well as to drink from an unlabeled container when there was the possibility that your friend was working on a chem experiment. Where was this?
| 12 | 189.5 | |
1410604643 | 1410728043 | t3_2ga33h | t5_2to41 | 9 | supah: TIFU by delaying the decision to buy airline tickets for trip of a lifetime!
For few months me and my wife were looking for a way to spend our vacation, we decided to go to a beautiful place this time, as we have never went anywhere outside our Eastern European country beside our honeymoon trip to Croatia 4 years ago. So we didn't go anywhere during summer to work more and save more money and go off season somewhere nice!
So about 2 weeks ago we found a great offer for a trip to fly to Barbados for a bit more than we decided we want to spend but we thought that it's a great opportunity, because we don't have kids yet and this offer may never happen again. The tough part was it was a flight from Amsterdam so we first had to get there. But the flights were nowhere cheap or fitting, so after a research we were sad and moved away from the idea to go there. Few days later I decided I will try to find similar offer from a place we can afford to go. And after few good hours I found same offer but this time flight was from Norway and it was easier and cheaper to get there for us - great news! Now it was time to decide when will we go because there were a lot of choices. We narrowed our choice to either end of january or mid february, but we had no time to actually decide for sure because we both work 10-12hr/day and we come back really tired after work so we decided this weekend (today) will decide to buy the tickets.
Here came today. My wife's at work and I opened a website with the tickets to think about it myself before she comes back today in 3 hours from now. And the offer expired :( With no similar cheap offers we are left with no plans and I have to tell my wife..
TL;DR: Saved for a long time to go somewhere nice, found a trip of a lifetime, delayed tickets purchase because tired in working week, decided to buy tickets on the weekend. Offer expired. Wife comes back in 3hours from work, about to tell her we dun bad :(
Kill_The_Dinosaurs: Son of a suck shit!!
That sucks.
Keep looking, though, you would think something else would have to come up.
supah: Thanks, decided to wait for something to come up again.
| 3 | 3 | |
1410605044 | 1410609202 | t3_2ga3fz | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by sticking my finger up my bum.
a
cherylannmarie: Ok I gotta ask the obvious question, why would you stick your finger up your ass?
prayformojo22: Well, now we know who's boring in bed!
| 3 | 1 | |
1410609495 | 1410613632 | t3_2ga6u8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Throwawayyy702: TIFU by sticking my dick in crazy.
Superamazingname: Real quick, take my advice with a grain of salt. I no nothing about being in this situation and have no experience in psychology or anything else.
Either she's doing it for attention or she needs help. In the latter case, ask about the cuts. Stuff like why did you do it. Ask her if she's suicidal as **CAREFULLY** as possible. If she responds well ask her if she wants to talk to someone about it, or call a suicide helpline. And, uh, that's all I got. Once again take my advice lightly. I bet someone else can come up with a better answer than mine.
cherylannmarie: Cutting is not a form of suicide. It is also not for attention because most cutters hide their scars in fear of being caught. It is their way of turning inner emotional pain into physical pain. It's an emotionally distraught persons way of controlling their own pain. A person very close to me was a cutter and with a lot of counseling and a great support system was able to finally stop.
Superamazingname: So, OP? I found the person I was talking about.
Throwawayyy702: She's also pretty addicted to drugs.
| 5 | 1 | |
1410609560 | 1410777572 | t3_2ga6w2 | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my boyfriends best friend I thought we had a connection
Me and my boyfriend have a couple we hang arround with a lot. I considered her to be one of my best friends and my boyfriend thinks the same about the guy. 2 weeks ago we where at a party and getting a little drunk when my boyfriend decides to strike up a conversation about relationships. it was a really down to earth conversation in which the other guy said that he thinks that you can have a connection with lots of people outside of your partner but that that doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. Drunk as I was, I told him (with my boyfriend there) that I felt that kind of connection between him and me and he said he felt the same....I thought that was that.
Fast forward to a couple of hours later when me and the guy are walking arround together. He starts telling me that if we'd both been single, he would have taken me home in a second. Next thing I know his hands are all over me and and he says he's been wanting me for a long time now. I was to drunk to resist it and we kissed.
Long story short; I told my boyfriend the truth about what happened and decided to be up front about the fact that yes, i do have feelings for the other guy but i never thought about doing anything about it....I just did not take into account that he might. This has cost me my friendship with one of my best friends, my friendship with the guy and has put my relationship at risk.
DAT-Z: Alcohol does not magically absolve you from being responsible for your actions. In the end YOU made the choice, not the alcohol. And if your boyfriend is still with you he obviously doesn't respect himself enough to date someone trustworthy.
seppty: It's scientifically proven that alcohol makes you care less about the consequences of your actions.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1410612339 | 1410615558 | t3_2ga9eu | t5_2to41 | 18 | Boomkin1337: TIFU by sharing a bed wit my dad.
Like many TIFUs, this happened a few years ago, when I wasn't a redditor. Before we start, I will give you a bit of info about me. I am a male, I got my own room when I was 12, and since it was literally in the attic, I was afraid to sleep there alone (because of all the horror stories and games), so my mother would sleep there (the bed is for one person) while I would sleep in my father's bed with him.Now here comes the fuck-up. I had two weeks without school, so I would sleep until 10-11 AM, but my dad would wake up at 5AM to go to work. One morning, I woke up at the same time my dad woke up. I was standing on my side, unable to see him. What woke me up was a light pounding on the bed, completed with whispered moans. Yes, my dad was hacking the hog right next to me, since he didn't know I was awake. I stayed like that until he got out of bed, got dressed and left for work. Just because of that, I started sleeping in my own bedroom. I will never see my dad the same again.
BUSDRIVERFARTED: What did your dad's jizz taste like?
Boomkin1337: Ask your mom.
burritobattlefield: Ask *your* mom.
SpeckleDorf9000: /Thread
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1410612394 | 1410735620 | t3_2ga9gw | t5_2to41 | 535 | Pribprib: TIFU by letting my dog eat anything he gets his paws on.
Today, I fucked up by not caring when my dog was eating random crap around the house.
It was a nice day, just walking the dog with my friend on the way to buy chips (fries for you non-British people) at the local chip shop. Well, we walk through one field and fail to notice the large group of cows (these cows are *evil*. They will kill you!) to our left. We crossed over to the second field where my dog decided to take a fat dump.
Or so I thought. We waited for him to do his business and when he was done we went to pick it up in a doggy bag. There was nothing there! My friend and I looked at each other in horror, then to the dog. He had a long black, crap encrusted string hanging from the butt. He the started to scoot his butt on the floor, which was worrying.
I called my mother to explain that the dog had eaten something and it’s now lodged in his butt. She explained “oh, it’s probably just a pair of stockings” quite casually. I held my breath and took a closer look. She was right, oh dear God! There was nothing more I could do than pull it.
At this point, we’re all on top of a hill in the field that is quite visible from 15-20 houses. I took a deep breath and pulled the stringy stocking from his ass. I kid you not, it was at least 15 inches long. The dog didn’t seem to mind but I could feel the disgusted eyes of people that saw the act from their windows. My friend just laughed the whole time.
We never made it to the chip shop because the cows blocked us in and we had to sprint home.
TL;DR Dog ate stocking, I had to yank in out his butt hole while people around in houses probably watched in horror.
95PercentGorilla: Years ago we had a cat who unknown to us had eaten some tinsel at xmas time. Sometime later he walks past me with about an inch of it sticking out of his bum, still shiny and not poo encrusted at all. I held onto it as he walked away. The look on his face as he walked away was a strange mixture of pleasure, surprise and disbelief. I'd never seen his eyes open so wide as he looked over his shoulder at me as the end of this 2ft glittery string finally popped out. Still makes me smile nearly 20 years later.
purpleflowers123: I laughed so hard at this
actuallycheetah: I laughed until I cried, and couldn't even keep it together to read it to my fiancé. This is HYSTERICAL
mr_pablo: Just cried reading this to my gf. Brilliant
HeckMaster9: I crie everytim
| 6 | 89.166667 | |
1410614138 | 1410680062 | t3_2gab8v | t5_2to41 | 3 | exortelemental: TIFU By sticking a lit branch up my cousins ass
BTW this happened 2 hours b4 I post this
So, a lil' backstory.. Every year I come to Japan to visit my grandparents, this year was a bit special because we were celebrating my grandparent's anniversary. So, my aunt thought it would be a good idea to play with some miniature fireworks.
So, we went to the part which has a large amount of open space to play with the fireworks. After a while, I ran out so, I took a branch and lit it on fire. After I lit it, I saw my cousin bending over, so, I did what I thought would be funny;shoved the lit branch up her ass. Then my cousin looked at me and laughed. A few seconds later u noticed something ; her sweater had caught fire. I kept on saying sorry while she threw the sweater to the floor and tried to beat out the fire. After the fire was extinguished, there was a giant hole in it
My cousin cried.. Later I found out that that sweater had quite allot of sentimental value because it was given by our great grandmother..
Now I feel like a total dick
Superamazingname: So your cousin was okay with you putting a fiery branch up her ass? ....../r/wincest
exortelemental: Its a common joke in Japan
| 3 | 1 | |
1410615489 | 1410616487 | t3_2gacpf | t5_2to41 | 7 | sfxblade: TIFU by taking vodka with my medicine.
Two days ago me and my girlfriend got invited to a small party at a friend's apartment, im not a big drinker, but when i do, i usually drink pure vodka, since it makes me drunk, and i am never sick on it, and often i can leave the place without a problem if i drink water during the night.
I've been on an anti depressant called Celexa for almost 2 years now, normally they told me to never mix this with alcohol, but i don't drink often so i don't really respect this rule and never had a problem. This week i started on another medicine called Vyvance, for my ADD, it greatly helps in classes and work, and again, doctor told me not to mix this with alcohol, but since last time they told me the same thing, i just didn't pay much attention to it...boy was i wrong.
Everything was fine, we were playing some drinking games, i was having my usual vodka shots, i was only drinking a 375ml bottle, since i didn't want to get too wasted. I was feeling a bit drunk, but nothing that could prevent me from driving or something, then it hit me like a truck while i was talking to friends and blacked out. This is what my girlfriend saw.
Apparantly i was talking normally, and suddenly i fell asleep with my mouth hanging like a zombie, she told me "are you okay?" but i wasn't answering, so she started playing in my mouth thinking i was joking...no reaction, some guy we just met was like "oh shit this is bad", so they all take me to a room and lay me down, sometimes i would wake up and talk in an unknown language and blacked out again like 3 times apparently. A few minutes pass and i woke up and ran to the toilet, and puked for around 3 hours.
My girlfriend had to call her parents to take me home with her, since i was way too wasted, and kept loosing consciousness and puking. Once at her parent's place i went to sleep and everything was fine.
Fast forward a few hours, i am still lost as hell, i wake up and go to the bathroom, and when i came back, i went into my girlfriend's parent's bed naked, and started to take all the bed sheets for myself, while her mother was there, they were not angry and actually found that funny, but man...i am never going to drink while im taking these meds.
I don't recall any of this, this what the people and her parents told me.
somnodoc: There are very good reasons not to mix alcohol with antidepressants and stimulants. Just because you didn't notice a difference drinking with the antidepressants doesn't mean you didn't do yourself serious permanent damage. Your doctor isn't giving you these warnings to be a drag, take them all seriously.
sfxblade: Yep, not doing that again.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410616155 | 1410631165 | t3_2gaden | t5_2to41 | 8 | zAstonish: TIFU by using an iPhone.
So my friend introduced me to this really hot guy on Whatsapp. We were hitting it off and I was going to send him my picture. I kept using the retake function because none of the pictures turned out correct. When I pressed done, every single fucking picture got sent. Like what the fuck? This'd never have happened on an Android. Ruined my chances with him. He was okay with it but I'm super embarassed right now, and I blocked him.
FUCK YOU ~~APPLE~~ WHATSAPP.
coreygrandy: You realize this is likely a problem with how WhatsApp was programmed for the iPhone, right? Apple didn't do that, WhatsApp did.
And, honestly, if he was okay with it, you probably could have made a joke of it and moved on, instead of blocking him over something silly.
You should take a chill pill.
zAstonish: I can't, like holy shit it's been half an hour since i blocked him, how am I gonna talk to him he knows I blocked him
and if we actually do meet, if he brings it up or something, me being the socially awkward piece of shit i am will probably drop everything and run
Krynique: Just tell him you freaked out and apologise. If he likes you, he'll be cool with it. If not, then there's no need to worry anyway.
And if you do end up meeting and he brings it up, just laugh it off.
zAstonish: I can't keep calm ><
Krynique: Just chill, unblock him and explain.
Good luck.
zAstonish: I'd, but I'm somebody whom most would refer to as a female private part, a cat, or a willow.
Krynique: Nothing good ever came from doing nothing.
Try it, and see what happens. The longer you wait, the less likely it is that he'll forgive you.
Deafboy_2v1: > Nothing good ever came from doing nothing.
[September 26th, 1983: The day when one guy saved the world by doing nothing](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-505009/September-26th-1983-The-day-world-died.html)
| 9 | 0.888889 | |
1410617458 | 1410622783 | t3_2gaew8 | t5_2to41 | 182 | 2Writes1wrong: TIFU by sneezing while taking a dump
Fair warning: this is going to get gross and intimate.
So I am currently on a Eurotrip and a week ago I was in Spain. I made the mistake of drinking the local tap water (which isnt bad for you but as an australian apparently im not 'used' to it) anyway as a result I was shitting liquid for most of my time in Barcelona. This inevitably lead to the haemorrhoid to end all haemorrhoids.
Now im travelling europe, I wasnt about to let a little thrombosed arsehole stop me having fun so I purchase some cream and continue on my travels. The haemorrhoid had me walking around like a south park crab person but I soldiered on. Which brings us to my fuck up today.
Im in Berlin, taking my regular morning dump. Being extra delicate as to not antagonise my arsehole. I start to look around the room and appreciate that I am in Berlin, Germany. This hostel has a nice bathroom, theres floral patterns, I'm planning to go and see the sights of one of europes major cities, the sky is blue and the sun is creeping through the window. And thats when it happens, the sun hits my eyes. I guess its important to mention that I am one of those people who sneeze profusely when looking into bright light.
Cue the nose tickle.. and then while a brown snake pokes its head through my already tender anus I let out a thunderous body shaking butt clenching sneeze.. followed by another and another... and then PAIN! The likes of which I have never experienced.
When I regained equilibrium and essentially consciousness from my ordeal I checked the situation... the bowl looks like a Jackson pollock painting.. its a murder scene. I struggle my way out of the toilet clean myself up and lay on the bed contemplating my life choices and options.
Right now I am in a proctologists waiting room which was conveniently around the corner from my hostel. So I guess I have that going for me. Ive already met the big burly german proctologist so now im just trying to sit comfortably and ready my anus for the intrusive inspection to come.
Wish me luck.
TL; DR: Took a dump, sneezed really hard and blew a gasket (haemorrhoid).
UPDATE: So the kind Dr.Tenberken cleaned me up with his strong but effect fingers of purification... honestly I feel like a new man. It looked a little sketchy when he invited a young attractive female nurse into the room, but she didnt know much english and left fairly quickly. However she did have an inquisitive look at my butthole that diminshed any porno-based fantasies I had envisioned. Now i am feeling refreshed with a new outlook on life and I even played ping pong against some people in my hostel. The doctor told me I just have to keep it clean and take some pain killers :)
_Pornosonic_: Just remember that the proctologist is going to be a huge ripped German guy called Hans, and he will most likely have huge fingers.
Raven_Morde: op please. was proctologist guy named hans
2Writes1wrong: I didnt ask his name, now I feel like a whore... ill check my prescription
_Pornosonic_: http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://i.imgur.com/TEztp.jpg&imgrefurl=http://forum.outerspace.terra.com.br/index.php?threads/xena-a-princesa-guerreira-esta-de-volta.388181/&h=367&w=431&tbnid=BFBjuVOhadBcmM:&zoom=1&docid=u6XNAZFqfIyaQM&hl=en-gb&ei=DWMUVM-fCMH8ygPPrICwCg&tbm=isch&client=safari
2Writes1wrong: It was only a small tube he inserted but damn did it feel like that gun... I was hoping at least for some prostate action. But nothing just pain, tears and "oh yah yahs".
| 6 | 30.333333 | |
1410618590 | 1410620000 | t3_2gaga6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my friends dead dog stolen
So the story starts of with my friend who went on holiday and asked me to dog sit. The dog was on its last legs but I wasn't expecting it to drop dead. Any way the story continues with this dog passing away, I immediately phone my friend who asked my to get it to the taxidermist as soon as possible, but I don't drive. I searched the house for a suitable travel case to take the dog with, I found an old suitcase that would do the trick. I hopped on the train after struggling with the heavy case and when I got to my stop I began shuffling the bag off. After a gentleman saw I was struggling he offered to help, I obviously accepted the help as I had to get off the train. As he is lifting the bag up he said "cor this is heavy, whats in it?" I was far to embarrassed to say the truth and lied by saying "just my work stuff, laptops paperwork etc." After a brief silence he picked the bag up and run as quick as he can. I was in shock and tears and stumbled back on the train. I don't know how to explain this to my friend that her dead dog was stolen from me.
GIZLOAD: I can't even put any words together except I'm sorry you're in this position.
Did the dog have a collar on? Any identifying info on suitcase?
jacobharris1: Well I took the collar of once I found it dead, and the travel case was some old generic case with no significant features. I'm waiting for my friend to get back so I can find out if it was microchipped
GIZLOAD: Why don't you ask your friend now? Once the guy saw it was a dead dog, he probably ditched it. Time is of the essence with decaying matter..
jacobharris1: She's on her way back now, 7 hour flight :/
GIZLOAD: Well fuck. Good luck.
If anything- one hell of a story. I'm sure if you can't recover the dog... Eventually you guys will be able to laugh about it. Eventually.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1410619286 | 1410648894 | t3_2gah5k | t5_2to41 | 137 | Tissuespleasezzz: TIFU by blowing my load on a stranger
So I've had a really nasty cold for the past week. Had to run some errands this morning so, although still feeling crappy, got myself showered and dressed, and drove to the mall.
Was at the post office when I realised I didn't put any tissues in my handbag. I was still pretty snotty but had to make do by just sniffing back the snot to keep my nose from running.
Forty or so minutes later I was ready to leave. Had heavy grocery bags in both hands and walked to the mall exit, still sniffing and wishing I had tissues.
Now, I happen to be one of those people who sneezes when first exposed to bright light.As I walked outside the mall into the sunlight, I automatically, and without warning, sneezed the biggest, most uncontrollable sneeze ever. The pressure was insane. I couldn't cover my nose because of the heavy bags I was holding, and within seconds I realised I had a string of oozing snot dripping down my mouth and chin.
At this point, I also realised the woman in front of me had stopped and turned, and was staring at me in absolute bewilderment and horror. She had what seemed like a bucketful of yellow-tinged snot all over her neck and shoulder. It was even in her hair. Her companion - a 20-something girl who I assume was her daughter - shrieked, "Oh my god, what the hell?!" and began trying to sop up the snotload on her mother's back with something from her bag.
Still dripping with snot myself, I mumbled something like, "Aghhhhi'msoooooorrrryyyyyy!" as I made a mad dash to my car. The look of complete disgust and terror on that poor woman's face will stay with me forever. Need to find a new mall to shop at now.
somnodoc: > Forty or so minutes later I was ready to leave. Had heavy grocery bags in both hands
None of which contained tissues?
Tissuespleasezzz: Had tissues in the car and was planning to keep sniffing until I got to the car. If only I'd known.
somnodoc: But you sneeze when you change environments... I think you knew
DinosBiggestFan: Point isn't that he didn't know, really, it's that he wasn't thinking about that specifically at the time.
54697473: From the context I'd reckon OP is a woman... (It could of course be a guy with a hand bag, but I think it's probably safer to assume that that's not the case)
| 6 | 22.833333 | |
1410618981 | 1410664637 | t3_2gagra | t5_2to41 | 40 | Colin151: TIFU by having a girl as my life-guarding class partner.
So, backstory.
I wanted to be a lifeguard this year at the school pool. It suddenly dawned on me that I could make 12 bucks an hour and meet chicks.
Sweet, sweet chicks.
Anyway, I put a priority list for classes I want, and Life-guarding is at the top. I get my schedule, and see that I have it for a class. oh yey.
I get there, and the first thing I see is this absolutely gorgeous woman. Just sitting alone.
I hang back a second and think about this plan of attack to see if I have a chance with this girl.
See, the thing is, I have a very terrible history with women. Whenever I try to "woe" or "whoah" a woman, I just end up looking like a creepy corner creep.
So, I am determined to make this time different.
So, I decide to walk over to her and try to start talking to her. I instead run directly past her to the locker room out of fear. When I got closer, I realized that she looked a lot older than me. Im a high school sophomore if that needed to be put into perspective, and this girl looked like a JUNIOR.
So after I throw my stuff into a locker, i came outside of the locker room to see her still sitting alone. Unfortunately, it was time to take attendance. But even more lucky for me is that she is right next to me for her last name. I am still really shy though, and I kind of freeze up a bit when she says hello.
She sounded like she was scared about something.
Like, she was scared to say hello to me.
We actually talked for a little bit, and it turns out she liked video games.
Holy shit.
A girl.
Who likes my kind of videogames.
And is not morbidly obese.
We had to go later, though. So, I waited until tomorrow. But then I realized I had never asked her her name.
I still haven't asked, on the day of this posting.
Anyway, we had to dress up in suits and get in the water tomorrow. We also needed partners. I forgot to mention this, but I did not know anyone outside of a few people, in that class. And half the class was women. Scratch that, more than half the class.
The first person I think of is her. And she apparently had the same thought process, because we both walked toward eachother and asked at the same time.
We both got in a lane, and the first thing we needed to do was laps. So, I let her go in front of me.
Bad choice. See, Im a terrible freestyler, and I usually just have my hands slap the surface of the water.
I can tell some of you know where this is going.
I eventually catch up to her, and slapped the back of her leg, and then her ass.
The worst part about this was that she fucking SCREAMED.
I immediately start to get the fuck out of that pool, and run to the locker room to hide.
Luckily, I wasn't found in there, and they assumed I was just using the restroom. So, I got dressed, and went out of the locker room to see her standing right there.
Looking at me.
And then she just starts crying. I try to comfort her, but then she just runs away.
And I had a nice 3 hour chat with the chiefs of staff at the school. I am now suspended for 5 days.
TL;DR: I went to try to get a job for a lifeguard through the school, meet a girl, get to know her a bit, and then slapped her leg and ass.
Edit: I had to go see her today, apologized to her. She said she overreacted and she'd forget it. Had my punishment reduced to a detention since I ran off without telling the teacher. Thanks for almost everybody calling me a creepy neckbeard.
[deleted]: Seriously? All that for accidentally touching her butt?
As someone who was a competitive swimmer for 14 years, I can say that stuff like this happens literally all the time. No one does more than mention that it happened as a way of embarrassing the person who did it. The most it every becomes is a joke.
AsinineToaster27: Butt, boobs, having your dick grabbed (doesn't feel good), slapping people's heads, you name it, it happens.
Source: am a competitive swimmer for 9 years and counting
Colin151: Oh, I have had that before, not comfortable.
| 4 | 10 | |
1410620818 | 1410709061 | t3_2gaj29 | t5_2to41 | 237 | [deleted]: TIFU by teaching a kid the Nazi salute.
This happened this morning.
Background: I'm Asian. I'm about to board the train heading to work, and there is this kid (8-9yo) on at the door (He's white). He clasped his hands together and bow (like TV monks do). Anyways, I took offense to that. Anyways, without thinking, I sternly saluted him with my hand at a 45 degree in the air and said the first German word that popped in my mind, "Nein!" I don't know why, and in retrospect, that's pretty stupid. Anyways, the kid was with his grandparents, and they told him to sit down. I sat about 4 rows away from them. The kid starts asking questions about what my gesture meant, and the grandpa was silent; grandma said not to do it because it's bad.
This is where the fuck-up begins.
When you tell a kid not to do something, he will do it just to annoy you. He ran up and down the train with his hand in the air, the Nazi salute, screaming "Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine." I'm sure I said "Nein" with a thick German accent, but nonetheless, it was amusing to watch. Other passengers were murmuring. The grandparents gave me the death stare, and I avoided eye contact. Got off at my station, amused and began thinking about it and realized I was a total dick.
TL;DR: I'm a dick because I took offense to something small and taught a kid something we need to avoid.
CeauxViette: You took offence to him making a gesture of respect towards you?
CreativeWorks: Not sure if sarcasm, so im sorry if it was..... But just because hes asian doesnt mean he is budist. Its like going over to a black person and making rastafarian relegious movements (i dont know if there is such a thing).
AFCWithAA: What does this have to do with being Buddhist? He just said "like a monk" for descriptive purposes. That gesture is not only associated with Buddhists. With that said, it is done in a lot of *Asian countries*, Buddhists or not. OP got offended because he doesn't live in an Asian country which means people generally don't bow to him and he does not view it as a gesture of respect.
CeauxViette: Exactly, the kid was being multicultural, which people will consider to be the opposite of racist. But when put in practice, a lot of people don't like multiculturalism. They get possessive of their culture. And usually in a hypocritical, one way street kinda way.
| 5 | 47.4 | |
1410622151 | 1410634047 | t3_2gal0l | t5_2to41 | 1 | tishstars: TIFU by trying to help convert this subreddit from sextifu to normal TIFU's
A few weeks ago I posted a meta thread on here with regards to the over saturation of mainly sex related tifu's on this subreddit. Not surprisingly I was met with vitriol and downvotes for pointing this out and asking for them to be relegated to one day or something. Lo and behold a few weeks later some dude uses upvotebots to get the same thread I had posted to the front page and actually gets the change implemented. And damn right I am salty about it, especially considering I reached out to the mods about it.
Quick_man: Its been under our consideration for a while, even before these meta threads came up. Although these meta threads have told us the communities opinion, we're still going to have people who cry out about the censorship. We've been trying to decide which directions (ie. limiting the sexual posts) we will turn to in order to keep subscribers happy, while still giving them the freedom to post their fuck ups.
poohspiglet: > we're still going to have people who cry out about the censorship
This is a given. How about the others who cry out for variety?
Myself, I'm tired of the oops, on my period, oops, peed my pants, and still the oops, shit myself posts. Blood, sex, pee, and poop all happen, all the time, everyday, to millions around the globe. Parents have seen your genitals, so have siblings. All those things are not even mildly interesting. What is interesting are fuck ups different from those I just mentioned. Set the bar a little higher here, and see what happens.
PS - not even interested in your fuck ups from kindergarten either. Somedays it feels like lunchtime in middle school cafeteria here.
Quick_man: yes, that is why we are working on a solution. I agree that most fuck ups aren't unique.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1410623078 | 1410624246 | t3_2gamdx | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by stoping to help an injured bird
On my way home from work I had a minor collision with a large turkey vulture. I was just driving along and in front of me was a large pile of road kill with many of these vultures enjoying their afternoon snack. I was a bit bored and I thought "Hey, I wonder if these birds will continue eating their decaying snack or fly away before they are hit by a car?"
Well, there always has to be one daredevil in the group and as my car approached, it held fast to its food. At the last second it tried to flee but was forcefully introduced to the grill of my car. I was in shock, I really thought the bird would move. I wasn't sure if I had killed the bird or just injured it so I stopped the car and got out to investigate the "crime scene."
This is where the TIFU comes into play. Vultures smell awful! They also apparently have the ability to projectile vomit when they feel threatened. As I approached the injured bird I was greeted with PROJECTILE DECAYING ROAD KILL VOMIT. The bird threw-up all over me which I then proceeded to throw-up and cry. I had to clean myself up before getting back in my car and driving home. The bird was too far gone and I should have just reversed the car and did a "compassion killing" but no, I had to stop and check.
Take Away: If you hit a vulture with your car, never stop and check. Reverse and repeat until you are sure the bird is dead.
OldButStillFat: > was forcefully introduced to the grill of my car.
Love that line. :)
Vultures are federally protected, by purposefully hitting one with your car you may have committed a felony.
notapiffle: **post deleted**
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1410623211 | 1410625126 | t3_2gamk1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying something sexist on accident.
Last night I met a friend at a bar for a quick drink. When I arrived he was talking to a girl friend of his. He introduced us and we began with the pleasantries.
I asked her where she worked and she told me "Nordstrom". Since we live in Seattle the common follow up question is "Do you work the floor (retail) or Corporate?" Only that's not what came out of my mouth. What came out was "Do you work the floor or HR?" as if those were the only two options available for women in the business world.
It went from 0 to awkward in a second as she responded "corporate!" with an obvious hint of anger. I tried to explain the mistake but it was cringe-ville population me for the rest of the conversation.
[deleted]: I don't understand why you'd even ask that question in the first place. seems kinda rude.
JF425: To ask where someone works?
[deleted]: no to ask them if they work on the floor or in corporate. It's a tad rude I really don't understand why you would ask somebody that.
JF425: Maybe it's a regional thing? It's a really common question in the Seattle area given there are 4 Nordstrom stores in the area plus corporate HQ. It's just kind of a "what do you do for them?" type thing only using Nordstrom lingo.
It's not like I was going to think less of her if she said retail. It's well known that those retail jobs are difficult to get and the employees can make a lot of money. It's not a gender thing either, I would have asked a guy the same exact thing if he had said he worked for that company.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1410624592 | 1410627111 | t3_2gaokc | t5_2to41 | 29 | ShartsofEndeerment: TIFU being drunk and stupid.........and playing with swords.
A couple months after the September eleventh attacks, I was in Transitory Personnel Unit(TPU) at Naval Base Norfolk, processing my paperwork to come home as a civilian. A couple of us from the unit went out drinking that night, as sailors are oft to do, and needless to say we got smashed.
I was riding shotgun in my buddies IROC-Z, we came to the base gate. The driver slowed up as we approached for the I.D. check. As the gate guard opened his mouth to ask for our credentials, my buddy gunned it, and ran the gate. A few quick turns and we're gone. He pulls up on the waterfront past Pier 12, and we proceed to drink the cold twelve pack we brought with us.
After not too long, the beer is gone, and my buddy says there's more beer, a thirty pack in the trunk. I offer to go and grab it. When I look in the trunk I see the worst possible thing for a drunk to see at the time, aside from the warm thirty pack of Stroh's. Three motherfucking swords!!! A short sword, a long sword, and a bastard sword. Soooooooooooooooo.........................
Of course we end up drinking and dueling on the shoreline by moonlight. We were so stinking drunk that we forgot all about the fact that we had run the gate less than thirty minutes previous during a very stressful time. Of course base security did not.
With delusions of being a great sword master, I'm hacking drunkenly at him with the two smaller swords as he's blocking and countering with the bastard. Then the lights hit us. Like god's flashlight exposing all our stupidity. Beer cans and piss are all around us, standing there huffing and puffing pointing swords at each other. When we look up, we see the swords in our hands are no match for the at least ten base security personnel in kevlar and armed to the teeth.
The drop your weapons command came as loudly and intense as you can imagine. I don't know what was going through the other guys head, but I thought my life was over. Slowly, ever so slowly, both of us lowered our swords, and placed them quietly on the ground. They ordered us to take three steps away from the weapons. No arguments from either of us. Then told us to kneel then lie prone on the ground arms out in front of us. I'm not sure what the puddle was that I had to lie in. I tell myself it was beer instead of piss, somehow that makes me feel better.
Ended up cuffed until they ID'd us and cut us loose with a warning. They kept the swords, of course. We kept the beer, and finished the thirty pack in front of our barracks.
jaberwockie: You should have said
"you guys are wired fucking tight, you know that"
In a British accent.
ShartsofEndeerment: I was so drunk that might have came out sounding like an Arabic accent. Nope!
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1410616189 | 1410655515 | t3_2gadg4 | t5_2to41 | 182 | carsandgrammar: TIFU by telling the bus driver I accidentally signaled for a stop
This was probably five years ago. I was on a bus on my hilly university campus, and thought mine was the next stop so I pulled the wire to request a stop. The bus stopped at the top of a hill and I realized I'd messed up. Noone seemed to be moving, so I yelled 'I made a mistake; mine's the next stop!'
The bus driver closed the doors and started driving, and then from somewhere behind me came a 'Wait! I need to get off!' This poor fella on crutches with a big cast was slowly working his way up the aisle, glaring at me. I hoped maybe moving forward a bit had put him closer to his destination, but nope: he got off the bus and started going back in the direction of the stop...uphill.
Sorry bud.
cantpissoffmods: The guy was wearing crutches but he could speak right? Why didnt he say anything? doesnt seem like a fuck up to me. And you double checked.
carsandgrammar: You're probably right. Still felt bad, but you've cleared my conscience a bit.
cantpissoffmods: Well if it didnt felt bad, you woudnt be human.
But not your fault entirely.
| 4 | 45.5 | |
1410625945 | 1410650725 | t3_2gaqku | t5_2to41 | 8 | MikeHockherts: TIFU by having ingenuity
Ok, so my parents are away for the day.
So I woke up this morning thinking "Sweet I have the whole day to myself alone". So what do I decide to do? Of course I'm getting high as shit.
Fast forward to when I'm setting everything up. Shit. Lighter didn't work. So me being the clever fuck that I am thought, "Oh! I'll just spray axe on a tissue, spark the lighter, catch the tissue on fire and light a candle." (I planned on lighting wick with the candle) So everything goes to plan but after I lit the candle I had a flaming tissue in my hand. I waved it around like a madman trying to put it out but it was to no avail. I threw the tissue on the floor and beat it with a sock to put it out. I picked it up and fuck, there's a burn mark on my carpet.
My parents are due home around 7 or 8. If my dad comes home and see's this burn he will be pissed beyond belief.
Of course I did manage to still get high and now I'm baked trying help my burned carpet.
moustachemall: stove stove stove. Electric gets hot enough to ignite things like cigs. gas stove no brainer there.
MikeHockherts: The only problem is I don't know how I would have lit the candle with a stove. I probably still would have caught a tissue on fire
moustachemall: piece of spaghetti
MikeHockherts: Very true. Thanks
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410626183 | 1410762319 | t3_2gaqyr | t5_2to41 | 61 | FriendsWithAPopstar: TIFU by not skipping leg day.
This royal fuck up really did happen today.
I'd just begun to exercise once again after a year long break because of a collapsed lung. Even after just one week, I was already feeling great and excited about my results.
The one regret I had about my previous experiences working out was how often I skipped leg day. I ended up with long slim legs that made my body look like a pizza slice. Therefore, this time around, I was determined to hit leg day as hard as I could... And so I did.
I hit those weights with no mercy. I hit my legs from every possible angle with every exercise imaginable. I felt damn good about myself.
Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished. I ended up with sorer legs than I'd ever experienced before. After the second day of soreness, I figured a little Bengay wouldn't hurt.
I was wrong, so so so wrong.
I applied the cream to my leg liberally. The familiar waves of cool menthol relief began to hit me and I relaxed immediately. But suddenly there was another sensation. But this one was much less friendly. It started off just as cool as earlier but then, with no warning, began to burn like an icy hell.
It was then that I realized that the cream had rubbed onto my balls; the feeling was unlike anything I'd ever felt. I started to scream and began tearing off my clothes, intent on jumping in the shower. I ended up running through three different rooms in my house clutching my balls as I darted for the shower.
The shower didn't help at all for the first five minutes so I ended up crying as the water fell on my balls, ever so slowly relieving the pain.
**TL;DR: Skipped leg day, ended up visiting Satan's ice box.**
Calisur: Reminds me of my high school freshman year and my first experience of competitive tackle football.. I had pulled my groing and was looking for something to alleviate the pain. I had always seen those Icy hot commercials and thought to myself what a great idea!!! Boy was I wrong it felt like 1000 needle pricks on my balls at once.
supertowel: This. Tried it with extra strength gold bond. Powdered me noogies and felt like screaming within 30 seconds.
| 3 | 20.333333 | |
1410626672 | 1410671173 | t3_2garse | t5_2to41 | 12 | Awkwardpandas: Tifu by masturbating in the morning
So I usually stay the weekends with my mom, my parents are divorced, we have a split time schedule, etc. so when my mom remarried, she married this guy who has no sense of personal space and kind of just does what he wants. Also, my moms house is very small, and with 4 of us, including our new baby, it's hard to get some alone time, let alone just peacefully sleep in. So the past two days I had felt this discomfort in my general female area and I have tried to make it go away. I wake up this morning and it's really bothering me, so I am brainstorming ways of how it might go away. I then think that since the discomfort is in that general... Sex area... Maybe a good old orgasm will do the trick. Going back to my house being small, I then go out of my room and casually tell my mom I was going pee and then going back to sleep, I was actually seeing if my stepdad was around bcuz I wouldn't be able to do this If he would come barging in. I go back to my room and fire up my favorite porn website and start going at it. To be safe I pull the blankets completely over my head just for safety. Everything is going the same way it always does and then I am right about where my orgasm will come and I hear the door open. I then flatten out completely on my back and act like I am casually stretching... With the blanket completely over me in 81 degree heat. He quickly walked in and out because I think he had a general idea of what was happening and that was extremely embarrassing. I really hope he doesn't bring it up to my mom.
To;dr I tried masturbating to take away discomfort and my stepdad walked in at my orgasm
rwfforever: Did you finish?
lildansonman: Jesus Christ man! There's some things you don't talk about in public!
Pick234: Love the mall rats reference, Brody man!
I'd also like to cum laude.. Preferably in a sixty nine.
Can i interest you in a chocolate covered pretzel?
They're a little melty but damn are they good!
lildansonman: "Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies."
Pick234: Adventure, excitement, a Jedi craves not these things.
| 6 | 2 | |
1410627658 | 1410629600 | t3_2gatb6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | mcfuddlebutt: TIFU by swearing in front of corporate executives.
This was several years back but I just remembered it. Quick story.
I used to work at Best Buy, I started there when I was 16 and worked there until I was damn near 30. I was a really good salesman and had a really great relationship with all of the managers (before I became one)
There was a point of time where I had a supervisor that would take abnormally long lunches. I mean like 2 or more hours. This was infuriating because it threw everyone else's lunch schedule off since no 2 people could be on lunch at one time. The most annoying thing was that he would just sit in the break room and veg out staring off into space.
So one day I'm waiting to get off my shift, but I can't because this dude is topping off his 2nd hour of lunch. So I walk into the break room to get him. The thing about this break room was you entered the door and there was a wall on your left, and lockers on your right which made a 10 foot hallway before you entered the main break room. So I walk into the room, blood boiling and yelled "DUDE, WILL YOU PLEASE HURRY THE FUCK UP?!" I finished my sentence as I turned the corner to see my Sales manager, General manager, and 10 company executives sitting at the table having lunch.....I froze, I just looked stared at them...I remember muttering to myself "Oh shit, I'm fired."
"Walk with me" My boss tells me while shooting daggers through his eyes. I was so embarrassed.
I got put on final warning that day, oddly enough it was my first ever write up in my tenure with the company. I was just grateful I still had a job. I heard some time later that my GM told all of the managers that I was having a lot of issues at home which is why I needed to leave so quickly. I was forever appreciative of him for doing that for me.
He actually died a few years ago, he was a really great man. He changed the direction of a young kids life which is something most people will pass up if given the opportunity.
Itchy_Rabbit: > He actually died a few years ago
Geez, OP. Way to end on a happy note. Now I'm depressed.
mcfuddlebutt: I know but I felt the need to give him a shout out haha.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410627065 | 1410712531 | t3_2gasey | t5_2to41 | 30 | Siestasam: Tifu by quoting salad fingers
I met a girl recently from ok cupid. She told me about her love of salad fingers, so I checked it out to have something to talk about.
Fast forward to the end of a successful date. We're in my car in an empty park and things are getting hot and heavy. Suddenly, she stops me and tells me she's on her period and asks if that will gross me out. My response, and my most accurate impression of anything ever, was "I like when the red water comes out." This didn't just dry her up. This made all moisture evaporate out of the air. I'm pretty sure I sealed her shut.
zenithica: I feel like there is a comment that can be made here about rusty spoons but I'm honestly struggling
Sentient_Star_Stuff: Looks like OP won't be spooning with anyone tonight. He needs the practice because he's a little...Rusty
| 3 | 10 | |
1410627515 | 1410644251 | t3_2gat2p | t5_2to41 | 16 | INUNisNOTHING: TIFU by not getting this girl's number.
I was at work and there was a customer that needed help, long story short, I've never been in love before but I've always had the idea of a dream girl and this was her! I talked to her for about 40 minutes before realizing that I didn't get her name or number. Now all I have is the mental image of her and her friend's Instagram username.
I also know her age, oddly enough.
Now I know this isn't /r/askreddit, but should I follow her friend on IG so that I can find her and ask her out to lunch or something? Is that creepy?
This feeling sucks, man.
Update #1: Finally got the balls to message HER not her friend, so I'm awaiting a reply. (09/18/2014 11:07PM)
daddydragon420: Tell her friend the situation then ask her to ask her friend if you can have her number. Before it's too late and your just a stalker lol
INUNisNOTHING: I did it! I just messaged her friend, I'll see how it goes!
TheRealMcCoy95: Just message the chick and be like "I met ya the other night, i think your really cute but couldn't get the words out to ask you on a date. I think you are really cute and would love to take ya out :)" Chicks dig that shit, worked for me with a girl i found on fb who worked at this place i went to alot. Ended up she was hooked up but thats a card i can play later on. Also dont hesitate to message them chicks, you never had them in the first place, nothing ventured nothing gained.
INUNisNOTHING: See that's the problem, I can't directly message her. I only have her friend's Instagram, so I had to message her friend to see if I can get the girl's info! I'm waiting for a reply now tho, so I'll see how it goes!
TheRealMcCoy95: Ahh i see what you mean. Ah well if you think you have a good read go for it and best of luck!
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1410627092 | 1410763913 | t3_2gasgi | t5_2to41 | 53 | MeatloafWiz: TIFU by helping old people
TIFU by helping an old couple. A cold and rainy Minnesota day, typical. I was leaving work and noticed an old couple trying to start their car and having troubles. So I walk to my car hop in and pull into the spot next to them. I roll down my window and the old man in the drivers seat attempts to roll his down, but can either not find the right button or the battery was dead. So in order to talk with him I decided to get out and stand next to his car so he could just open his door. I have one foot on the pavement when my car lurches forward. Shit, I forgot to put the thing in park. I hop back in real quick and slam on the brakes. Only because it was raining my foot slips off the brake and falls onto the gas pedal with adrenaline fueled force. VROOOOM! My car launched forward and smashes into the concrete base of a light post. Thankfully minimal damage occurred, unless you count the damage to my ego of course.
nanabuuui: did the old couple say anything to you? :[
MeatloafWiz: Yeah I had a conversation with them about their car troubles. I suspected their car needed a jump which I could handle, but the driver thought it was something else so I couldn't help and left.
nanabuuui: you're a sweetheart for trying to help them!
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1410629806 | 1410670641 | t3_2gawug | t5_2to41 | 92 | GrimMind: TIFU by not watching my fucking mouth.
First of all, I feel like the worst piece of shit ever and here's why.
I go to this track that's near my home, it's very convenient. I jog there every day.
About six weeks ago, this rather large group (about 30) started showing up on saturdays. They all wear the same red shirts and have the same slogan which I couldn't read because I cannot read from a distance without glasses but it's pretty obvious it's the same design.
They mostly use the grass area near the track to work out and warm up. I get there before them so by the time they start to use the track I'm usually leaving.
I hadn't paid much attention to them except for the first day because they were new and because half of them were rather plump and shortish and the other half were VERY fit.
Again, my eyesight is not great at a distance but that much I could tell from their silhouettes.
But after that first saturday, I hardly noticed they were there.
Fast forward to today, Saturday. I get up a little later than usual, but still early enough to go on my daily jog and I don't want to miss it because I've finally managed to break the ice with this cute girl that jogs there too.
Now, there are some implicit rules to the track. If you're walking or going slow, you stick to the outer lanes and you usually stay in one unless you need to pass someone.
About halfway through my routine the aforementioned group makes their way to the track. I think nothing of it, I'm trying to think of something to start a conversation with the cute girl. She's about half a lap ahead of me, I can catch up to her. But then I notice that the plump ones of the red group are just messing around in the inner lanes running like kids without direction. Cute girl gets to where they are and has to **VERY** awkwardly make her way past them who barely even notice her and keep running like idiots.
I catch up to her and say **"Fucking retards, act like humans instead of monkeys for god's sake".**
She gasps without stopping and after like 3 seconds of staring at me she picks up the pace and gets to where tone of the fit ones is and starts talking to him.
I have no idea what's going on but I keep running. Suddenly the guy running behind me shoves me with his shoulder. It's one of the fit ones in the red group. I yell at him to be more careful and call him an asshole. But even before I start running again, I get shoved again by another one.
I am now fucking pissed and start going to where they all are.
I get close enough to be able to read their slogan: *"Keep running, it's just one extra chromosome"*.
**FUCK ME**
I look over at the plump ones who are still oblivious to what's going on.
All of them have down syndrome.
I don't even remember what I said but I was trying to apologize but at the same time how do you even apologize for calling them retards and make the rest understand that you don't see well? It must have sounded like the petty excuse of a coward that's being confronted.
It was so fucking embarrassing and I felt like the biggest asshole in the world. The guy the girl talked to starts yelling things at me I'm feeling so sick with guilt I barely hear what he's saying.
Every single person in the track is looking now and by the look on their faces they understand what's going on.
Someone else just says "go home, you piece of shit". Which I did.
I'm not showing up in that track until next saturday to sincerely apologize and after that I'll probably have to find a new jogging spot.
I am never using the word retard again.
[deleted]: You made a mistake. You're NOT a piece of shit
GrimMind: This is what my friends are telling me and I get why but if you were in that position how would you feel?
Edit: I apologize if that sounded rude, I'm still frustrated with the whole situation. Thanks for the words of support.
[deleted]: You weren't rude. I understand how you feel. .. now here's some advice from a mid 50s dad with kids.
Don't apologize for everything. If you must, then be sincere but brief. You can't force people to be reasonable and forgive minor mistakes. You learned a lesson but you can't be afraid of getting pissed off and expressing your opinion. Next time just make sure you have as much info as possible before expressing a negative opinion. This comes with age and experience, but mistakes will always happen. Don't beat yourself up over this.
WPBDoc: I'm a mid-50's dad with kids and the above is not good advice. Don't be afraid to apologize. Do it once sincerely and not over and over again or you send a signal that you didn't mean it the first time and repeating it doesn't make others more willing to accept it. Be in control enough of yourself that you wait until you aren't pissed off before you open your mouth and then, when you are calmer, make your words matter. This was something which calls for an apology. If they accept it great; if they don't -- well you don't have control over other people's actions, just your own. Sleep well knowing that you did your best to make things right. unfortunately, you can't unring a bell.
[deleted]: You are a moron. You obviously didn't read what I wrote because much of what we both said is similar, though not 100% the same.
Geez...really?
Didn't you even see my username?
Volatilize: Oh shut the fuck up.
[deleted]: Smile when you say that
Volatilize: Do you recite that monologue to everyone who doesn't like you, or am I actually that special?
[deleted]: I just find that the typical person who randomly attacks me when I have done nothing to them is a typical loser. A fat slob who sits home all day in moms house with nothing better to do than attack people personally as you did.
So, fuck you. Go back to your box of twinkies, and please accept my sympathies because your parents failed you. Really, I feel sorry for you. Have a nice day.
Volatilize: Just because you live with your parents doesn't mean everyone does. I know I certainly don't. And in fact, my parents haven't failed me at all. They taught me the skills I needed to live on my own without anyone's assistance. I'm putting myself through college right now, so I can be an engineer. However, you're right about one thing: I am fat. But I want to change that. I don't eat twinkies. You mentioned them twice already, so you probably have one hand in the box right now, and the other on your dick, furiously masturbating to your own comment.
I told you to shut the fuck up because you have the most enormous ego I have ever seen, and just as you have the right to state your obnoxious opinion, I have the right to state mine.
Good night.
[deleted]: Finally, something we can agree on....the have a "good night" part.
I wish you no ill will.
Volatilize: No ill will to you either.
| 13 | 7.076923 | |
1410626242 | 1410639562 | t3_2gar1g | t5_2to41 | 38 | mcfuddlebutt: TIFU by sneezing while peeing.
I've had a rough week. I've been working 80 hour weeks for a month and it finally caught up to me when I got sick earlier in the week. I was taking a piss this morning and I had the uncontrollable urge to sneeze. I tried to fight it but all that ended up happening was I took all of the energy meant to come out of my mouth and directed it to my dangle.
I think I broke my penis. I called my doctor and told him what happened. When he stopped laughing he told me I probably just strained my urethra and it's going to take a few days to heal. I just took a piss and it felt like I dipped my dick in battery acid.
Have our bodies not evolved enough to know that a sneeze is never appropriate when you're peeing?
martian_pride: Bro, at least you didn't shit yourself.
YouWantALime: Hey, it's saturday, where are all those posts?
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1410631306 | 1410663509 | t3_2gaz5t | t5_2to41 | 27 | Jerrchi: TIFU by watching Bojack Horseman all night.
mitch_h_30: Out of curiosity, how much is Netflix paying you to write about the *Netflix Original Series Bojack Horseman*?
Jerrchi: They don't pay me shit!
ScalemateHime: They're clearly paying you bucks, asshole. It's not even a good show, imo. Netflix should spend less time funding these terrible ads and more time actually making a good show (That isn't Netflix Original Series Bojack Horseman which we keep reminding you of every ten seconds and oh hey have you watched Netflix Original Series Bojack Horseman yet because it's so good yup yup yup).
Jerrchi: Netflix, if you're reading this, don't forget you owe me money for writing this poop ad for you.
Disproportionate1: Keep digging, man. Just keeeeeep digging.
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1410631647 | 1410641030 | t3_2gazq4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | michaelwang33: TIFU by not investing in dogecoin.
DeltaPlayMusic: ..ok?
monochrome83: I agree, that seemed a bit over-critical....
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410633253 | 1410647476 | t3_2gb29n | t5_2to41 | 14 | driesdries: TIFU Trying to connect my old HDDs to my laptop
I wanted to find out if I could connect my old HDDs from high school to my laptop but I forgot for a minute that I can do nothing right.
Touched my motherboard with a screwdriver.
While it was on.
Spark.
Fucking unbelievable. How could I not think of this?
Ofcourse my laptop went dead immediatly and I'm unable to get it running again. Will replacing my motherboard make it work again?
estXcrew: I don't think they replace motherboard of laptops, and if they do it will most likely cost you the same or more than a new laptop.
five_magics: Some techs will do it but yeah it will be costy.
Not to mention you short-circuited the board with that screwdriver, potentially damaging your power supply/battery and I/O board aswell(if that applies to your laptop).
Sorry but you might as well just get a new one.
driesdries: looked it up, would cost me €400 for a replacement motherboard.
guess I'll start looking for a new one.
luke10050: I guess if you can take a photo of the area you hit? You may have just taken out a surface mount fuse, see if there are any places around that offer component level repair (if its a good laptop)
driesdries: Just tried my laptop again and it booted! There was no damage visible and for now it works like before... must have had some safety fuse i think. wow i'm so glad it still works. its an HP Probook 6550b from 2010
luke10050: Nice!
| 7 | 2 | |
1410635887 | 1410637058 | t3_2gb6ig | t5_2to41 | 12 | Bluerinho: TIFU by getting into a fight with a big shot's son.
This happened a few days ago, when i went to play football along with my friends. We were supposed to face another team and the match was supposed to kick off by 8 am. I'd reached there early and none of my team mates had made it yet. But our opponents were already there, practising while i stood and watched. After a while they asked me to join them as they were about to start a small sided game. Obviously i agreed and just as we kicked off, i got the ball at my feet first and a dick barged into me (clearly a terrible challenge) and while i fell, i twisted my ankle badly. I knew I'd done something terrible to my ankle as I've had recurring injuries there over the years. So this guy who fouled me, showed no signs of regret. That made me furious and i called him a fucking idiot.. at that point he said it was just a shoulder push and that I'm the one who's a fucking idiot. I ignored him as i was in terrible pain, and i limped off and went back home. That evening, whilst my friends were asking what happened, i told them some cunt did a terrible barge on me and i hurt my ankle badly.. what i did not know that the cunt was already on that particular WhatsApp group and then he started provoking me. He said terrible vile things to me and to my family, but I'm the kind of guy who always looks to avoid any kind of conflict, so i aked him to let it go and move on. Needless to say, he didn't. He made atleast a 100 threats, but i did not respond. At all. One of my friends personal messaged me and told me that his father is a very influential man, and that i should avoid any kind of conflict with him. I had already been doing that, but this guy refuses to give up. He's tried everything in the world to provoke me, from mocking and abusing my late mother to threatening to kill my dog. I've managed to keep my calm but i don't believe i can keep it any longer. This guy seems to be getting angrier everyday and more and more fixated on hurting me or my family. He wouldn't listen to any of our mutual friends and given that fact that his father works as an IG of police, he has a big ego. Only this much has happened so far, but I'm expecting more from him soon.
cherylannmarie: He's trying to get a reaction from you, don't give him the satisfaction. This guys sounds like a psycho so just continue to ignore him, he'll eventually get bored and stop.
comedygene: He smells weakness and won't stop. He thinks he can do anything because daddy will protect him.
| 3 | 4 | |
1410637733 | 1410638588 | t3_2gb9db | t5_2to41 | 9 | Thathiphopvideo: TIFU by cleaning the garage
Well I TIFU'ed when I was about 8 or 9 for context.
So my half sister who was about 28 at the time, moved back in with our mom and I because she was having a baby and needed the extra help. This took place after the baby was born.
We decided to set up the garage as an extra living space for them. The garage had a lot of boxes and yard stuff and bikes in it and was a mess. So we cleaned out a 10 by 8-ish area in the middle and put down a rug with a sofa and TV. They had the extra bedroom too but this way the baby could cry and not wake up the whole house.
The garage still had shelves full of stuff like paint and tools and shit you would find in a garage. So 8 year old me decides to go clean the garage up some more to make more space.
So I'm short, but I can reach a lot of the stuff on the shelves and I'm pulling down gallons of paint and other large bottles of cleaning supplies. I reach up and try to grab a gallon water jug that is labeled ["Infant formula water"](http://www.crystal-springs.com/images/brandsite/nurserywater.jpg) thinking it is just an old jug of water for the baby.
I can't reach, so I tip toe and hop because it is on the very top shelf at the very back. I finally get some kind of grasp on the jug and start pulling it down when it spills all over my hands and arms.
I put the jug down and go get a towel. While I'm drying my arm off I get a whiff of something that is just awful smelling. Is it the towel? No. Is it my armpits? No. I sniff up my arm and smell it where I was wet and it smells awful. Like burning compost and socks. I wash my hands about 20 times trying to get it off and it just won't come off. It is like the smell has permeated my skin and is now a part of it.
I accepted my stinky fate and went back to cleaning.
Fast forward to adulthood.
I'm with my stoner friends and they are talking about how awful bong water is and it clicks.
I spilled my sister's bong water all over me that day.
Edit for clarity- My sister was a "closet stoner", my mom would not have been ok with her toking anywhere even near the house. So she probably would smoke out with her bong while we were out and use the jug as a place to get rid of her bong water to more easily hide the bong.
edit2. the picture link was borked, now its fixed.
svensudels: So ur sister would empty her bongwater into a gallon water jug and would just save it in the garage? Y would someone d o such a thing??
Thathiphopvideo: yes.
| 3 | 3 | |
1410636998 | 1410659206 | t3_2gb88z | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by restoring an iPhone
About a year ago, I was desperate for a smartphone (Back then I was a freshman in HS, snapchats and instagram and fb, oh my) so asked my parents if I could have one. Being raised in the Soviet Union, they dropped an Iron Curtain between me and any kind of smartphone declaring that because they survived without one, so could I.
I took one of my mom's old iPhones (They each have iPhone 5's, mind you), and restored it completely at my friend's house. I felt as if they smoke had cleared, and I could finally send pictures that people could only look at for 10 seconds.
Today, my mom barges into my room and demands her iPhone back. Apparently she had some **really** important recordings on there, and I have no idea where they are. To put in perspective, she said she'd pay 300$ for at least one of the recordings. iCloud backups are nonexistent, and the only thing I can think of is the backup at my friend's house (Which I'm not sure I even made)
Welp, any help? Or is my Soviet Russian mom going to beat my ass into the ground?
Mitchhhhhh: What kind of recordings would she pay 300$ for? Is she KGB or smth?
wreck-your-shit: def KGB
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1410638301 | 1410707155 | t3_2gbaae | t5_2to41 | 49 | craigdowning95: TIFU by trying to kill a wasp.
I recently trained for a job at the local park. It is really laid back, and easy money.
Today I was working mini-golf. At the time only about 3 groups had shown up so far so I started browsing reddit to pass the time.
When I got to about the eighth page of TIL, I wasp the size of my thumb (I shit you not.) flew into my office. Attempting to eliminate the threat as soon as possible (Very allergic), I grabbed the nearest bottle of bug spray and attempted to drown the insect in bug spray.
I ultimately triumphed over the wasp, it's poor dead body curled up on the floor. After having celebrated I looked around the room. The whole place had the glisten of about three layers of bug spray. Every wall, window, paper on the desk, were covered in bug spray.
As I noticed this my boss walked in. She said nothing, looked around the room, and took all of the bug spray cans out of the office.
[TL;DR] I tried to kill a wasp and covered the room in bug spray.
OctoberRust13: KILL IT WITH FIRE
Pick234: Agreed.. Burn all the bees 2014!
hokiefan240: No, we leave bees alive, they're beneficial to the ecosystem, we kill wasps. Motherfuckers live to piss us off
aggron306: i kill them if they refuse to piss off
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1410636038 | 1410734222 | t3_2gb6qk | t5_2to41 | 5 | RADDJGUY: TIFU by admitting I J/O at work
My co-worker said that it was "disgusting!"
Me:"But I do it in the bathroom..."
Co:"that's so unsanitary"
Me:"We shit in the bathroom, how is this any worse?"
pentag0: Many males that, it's a normal thing, your can't choose where it's going to happen same way as you can't decide where you're going to start feeling hungry.
That guy was retard and/or a fucking kid. Don't worry about that.
If that was chick, they hardly ever admit they masturbate at all but we all know the truth. Fuck'em.
Your perfectly normal human being.
nhebert1987: Um... you CAN choose where its going to happen. Do you not have any control and have to jerk off every time you get a hard on? Its a normal thing to do in the privacy of your home or residence, not at work (unless your a pornstar or something)
pentag0: You chose not to understand what I was referring to so I'll ignore you, kido.
lord_sherlock_holmes: nhebert1987 probably understood you just fine...i agree with him/her. It is NOT normal to jack off at work and anyone who does has issues.
pentag0: Bunch of fucking idiots.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1410641998 | 1410721909 | t3_2gbfwo | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by not following my family's advice; I am a survivor.
I am a skinny Asian male who goes to college around a... ghetto. 5 days a week, I take the bus going to college and walk home to save some cash (I'm very frugal). My family dislikes me for trying to save money by walking through a ghetto and urged me to always take the bus home. Class ended and my walk home started. Today, I had an umbrella, backpack and a jacket. The walk is about 3 hours instead of a 40 minute bus ride. About halfway in my trek home, 3 males of African descent leave a fast food chain and walk ahead of me. One was skinny but tall (Ill give them names, this ones Skinny), another was Obese maybe half a ton in weight (Fatty) and the other was this muscular guy with a durag (Marine).
They noticed me and started to walk slowly. I was walking in the sidewalk with lots of cars passing by on my right which made me feel safe... As we were right next to each other walking, Marine approaches me and greets me "How are ya?". He held his knuckles up and I knuckled him. I felt great meeting a stranger and felt like making a friend today.
ME: "I'm OK" with a thumbs up.
MARINE (walking with swagger): "I'm fucked up (probably from drugs but his eyes weren't red), got a dollar?"
ME (in my head): Shit's about to go down O__O
ME: No, sorry, sir
They kept at it by harassing me about if I had money (around $8 was all I had) or a cellphone asking me for the time (I have a really old phone, its got a keyboard XD). I couldn't tell if they were just fooling around or serious. Gangsters or stoners. I tried to power walk through the left but Marine was all over my face.
MARINE: Gimme a dollar or Imma shoot ya in the head!
I just looked at him with disbelief but in reality, I would like to consider myself suffering from depression sooo... he would be doing me a huge favor . This isn't some white person depression... I'm Asian so it's maybe 10x worse than white person depression (not being racist but from the stories of depressed white people told in my HS, I just compare that to the poverty and hardship I saw 1st hand in Asia). He still was blocking my way with Fatty on the left and Skinny behind me so I move to the right, close to the road where people can witness. No firearm... Disappointed....
ME (with a projected voice): I'm walking here!
FATTY (shouting): He (pointing at me) owe him (pointing at Marine) some money.
ME (yelling): I don't know you! (while pulling out my umbrella to look like I can defend myself :D)
At this point, I wanted to cross the street to distance myself. Didn't want to take chances of me injuring myself from a car accident or anyone paying for damages/insurance but I saw a gap at the left side of the sidewalk. I jogged until I was around 30 meters ahead of them. I looked back and no one followed me. Marine was nowhere to be seen. I gave Skinny and Fatty a pleasant middle finger and walked away from the scene with swagger.
3 Things that I won't do after that incident:
1. Will not call authorities
2. Will not consult a physician due to my so called depression
3. Will not take the bus home... until it gets cheap to ride the bus home.
Negative from the story: I didn't make a friend today
Positive from the story: I found 30 cents on the way home
Ask away! This is my 1st TIFU post... and its really happened. I wished it didn't but I haven't felt this alive in such a long time.
xbricks: Dude, take the bus home.
Also you contradicted yourself, at first you said that you had "asian people depression" which is apparently worse than 'white people depression.' Then you downplayed it by calling it "my so called depression."
Sounds like your definition of 'white people depression' to me.
guntobad: I'm not seeing why I contradicted myself. I just don't want to add more issues to my family's wealth of issues... by giving them another bill to pay for medicine and visits to physicians. I'm big in history so just think about all those peasants, indentured servants and slaves who lived back then... They made it through somehow. Why can't I cope with it alone?
Taking the bus home? I'm broke... plain and simple
Propyl_People_Ether: Guess what? When you wait instead of getting medical conditions treated early they get worse and cost more money. Plus they can make it hard to get/stay employed. Your parents probably don't know this, but I bet there are lots of scientific facts they don't know. You aren't "adding more issues" by addressing ones that exist, any more than you are "adding more issues" by showering when you are smelly.
All those peasants didn't have Reddit either. This world is not that one. There's no shame in adapting to things as they are.
guntobad: I hear you. I understand you. I just don't see myself living that long. If it ever comes to a bad state then I could quickly pull my own plug. Very bad and distasteful read for some of you but that's genuinely my plan.
Propyl_People_Ether: So you're saying you want to ruin your family's lives rather than let them see that you're dealing with a speed bump on the road.
That, right there, should show you that your judgment is clearly and obviously impaired.
Edit: also, suicide is incompatible with pacifism.
Pretend your life is the life of a third party that you have been entrusted with. Pretend your life is the life of a sibling. Would you kill a brother or sister and leave your parents to pick up the rubble? If that prospect fills you with horror, bring it to mind whenever you get the impulse. Prevent it.
guntobad: Yes, sir! I've been doing my best to prevent it... its been a few years.
Propyl_People_Ether: Thanks for taking my message the way I intended it, man.
Just remember. Medical science exists. You don't need to reinvent it singlehandedly and what's more, it would be a waste of resources to do so if you could. As others have mentioned, being a college student means there's probably a 2/3 chance your school has professionals on staff who can help you solve this problem, which your tuition has already paid for... but if you wait, *that* will waste time and money. So that's one good, solid reason to consult them now.
Hang in there, do the brave thing, remember that your own self-care is of value to other people. Good luck.
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1410630777 | 1410652929 | t3_2gayby | t5_2to41 | 7 | GroundedKush: TIFU By Grabbing a classmates bosom accidentally on the log ride at DisneyLand
Sorry if this was a bit long to read, but I hope you enjoy my FU ;] :
This actually happened years ago while I was in high school. During my junior year of high school, I was signed up for a tutoring program by my parents just so that they have that reassurance that I'd be doing homework and not hanging out with friends doing drugs and what not (I'm asian btw) The other kids that were in the tutoring program as well were about my age, half were boys and the other half were girls.
Summertime had come around and the program directors had a surprise for us and told us on our last session that they were going to be taking us all on a one week, college visiting, disneyland/ universals studio trip. Fast forward past the first couple of days of the trip seeing colleges and onto the trip to disneyland.
I was so excited to be there, as I've never been able to travel much and this was one of the few times that I was actually away from home away from my parents. Anyways, The group had split up into smaller groups so that we would be able to ride the rides without having to worry about too many people.
The group that I was with had maybe about 5 girls and I ended up being the only guy with them and so we went around finding rides to go on. We soon came to the log ride and I decided that when it was our turn to get on that I would hop into the far back of the log and let the girls have the front (BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE). As the ride was going along, we had hit the top of a hill before accelerating down, I started to panic as we were nearing the top because I couldn't see anything to hang onto to brace myself for the ride and so when the log made its descent I had reached forward... to the girl in front of me and fully cupped her bosoms in my hand and squeezed slightly... It was like time was frozen for that very moment but at the same time I knew I had FUed...
After getting off of the ride though, she didn't say anything nor look at me for the rest of the trip... I wonder how she's doing?...
TL;DR: Went on a trip with tutor group to see colleges and theme parks for a 1 week tour of socal, ending up cupping a girls bosom...
TheRealMcCoy95: Whats a bosom?? Ass? Titties? Meow?
GroundedKush: titties
TheRealMcCoy95: Nice juan! Well you should talk to her about it. Who knows, maybe she enjoyed it.
GroundedKush: Lost contact after that year, so I don't think so.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1410631316 | 1410652653 | t3_2gaz6f | t5_2to41 | 3 | sekathon: My TIFU in video form
Maker01: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2g3zul/tifu_by_not_reading_the_instructions_on_an_exam/
You already posted this.
sekathon: I am aware of this.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410635893 | 1410648228 | t3_2gb6in | t5_2to41 | 1 | lapogo: TIFU by leaving my stuff outside.
Last night a friend and I (Both 18 and living with our parents) got really high and i left my bowl, grinder, & weed in a DS Case outside next to my pool. My very religious dad found and it and called the cops. When i found out he did that i proceeded to walk up into my room and take the 3 non-prescription 30mg XR Adderall and 8th of weed i had hidden in my room. The cop did not search my room. all of this before noon. It's gonna be a long fucking day
pentag0: Don't take this personally but your dad is an idiot, same as mine. Only difference is that I fucking bashed his fucking face. Yours pretty much deserves the same.
lapogo: I've been pretty mad at my dad. Your comment was angry enough to calm me down. I know that wasn't your intent but thanks anyway
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1410646941 | 1410653761 | t3_2gbnex | t5_2to41 | 177 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my dying grandpa to "fuck off"
Here's a little backstory:
My grandpa got a new phone about 3 month's ago. He lives quite far away from me, and i have my grandma's number on my phone, so i didin't feel the need to save his phone number since he never called me.
Now , my grandpa had a brain haemorrhage, and a heart attack 2 days ago. I was preety concerned and i talked to my grandma about it for 2 hours and that was about it.
Today, i was playing some CS:GO, and i had a call incoming. It was from a number i did not recognized, but i decided to pick it up anyways. The voice just repeatedly said my name, so i have decided it must be some childish prank and said "fuck off". That voice turned out to be my grandpa's voice. He called my mother and now i feel really bad.
liloce: So then you called him back and apologized, right?
kris1111: Yes i did, but i still feel like i should do something more
liloce: Grandparents are SO forgiving - since you called and apologized, I think he has forgotten it already. You will feel bad, but grandpa loves you and just wants to hear your voice. Keep in contact, that is the best "more" you can do.
IlIlIllIlIlIlIllIlIl: I love how you assume that this story actually happened.
kris1111: Because it did.
i_pk_pjers_i: Well in that case, visit him and spend some time with him if you still feel bad and if you can.
| 7 | 25.285714 | |
1410638192 | 1410842502 | t3_2gba4k | t5_2to41 | 31 | Ninmir: TIFU by letting my SO pack up the living room
Flash back to a week before the fuck up. we're moving out of a horrible apartment complex. It's unfortunate because it's such a great place and the landlord bends over backwards for you (so long as you pay rent on time), but the building is in such a bad area, he can't feasibly raise the rent and he gets all kinds of shady characters moving in. And nothing kills your boner faster than the woman beating a hysterically sobbing 4 year old upstairs. So yeah, we moved. Police sirens are hard to sleep through.
I packed the bedrooms, dining room, and bathroom, and my SO, we'll call him John, was tasked with the kitchen and living room. All was going well for the week or so we were working. I have a bad habit of hovering so I tried my best to stick to the back rooms while he broke down our bar and bookshelves. We ran out of boxes on the last day, so all of the leftover knick knacks went in laundry baskets and trash bags. Which included a nice bottle of whiskey (John L Sullivan Ten Count if you were wondering. Not the nicest bottle, but pretty extravagant for a couple of college kids) which we left out to toast our last night in hell.
Fast forward to the day of the fuck up. We moved all of the boxes in and called the Internet provider from our area. I was in dire need of some sweet sweet bandwidth and I had spent the morning with the technician. He let me know that they don't have wireless routers and I would have to rent one from them, or buy one myself. Not a problem, I have a badass router that can handle all of the laptops, tablets, consoles, cell phones, and gaming PC's (mine isn't wireless because duh, but my new roommates is) in my new household. So I went searching for it.
Pretty sure you know where this is going.
I should have hovered. I should have watched John like a damned hawk and let him know putting a bottle of whiskey in the same basket as my router was stupid. He should have realized that nice whiskey and nice routers don't like each other very much. The top of the bottle had been jostled open in the move and half of its burning, delicious insides had poured out all over my router. Who the fuck puts expensive electronics and booze in the same fucking container?! I'm out almost $450 of products.
Tl;Dr assumed my SO had common sense, he didn't, whiskey spilled over my nice router
plasma1147: do you still love him?
Ninmir: *sigh*
Yeah. He's a historian and a generally smart person, but goddamn the man can have zero common sense sometimes
1st_lurker: He must be your bitch.
Bitches can be stupid!
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1410643834 | 1410652327 | t3_2gbiqz | t5_2to41 | 19 | FrankNB3anz: TIFU by turning my oven into Mousechwitz
So my GF and I were shopping for groceries, while out I got the urge to bake. I wanted cookies and figured it'd be nice for the rest of the family to come home to fresh baked cookies.
So I get a box of mix, come home to put groceries away and immediately start mixing ingredients. I preheat the oven and toss in the pans of cookies.
It's important at this point to point out that since the weather has turned cold, my home has been fighting field mice on a regular basis. We have a few traps set throughout the house. I know this and I also know the mice like to hide in the drawer under the oven to stay warm.....
Well cookies get baked and served, then my mother remembers she set a trap under the oven. Today I fucked up by accidentally melting a trap and a mouse while baking delicious chocolate chip cookies for my family.
Mondonodo: That pun though...Mousechwitz.
FrankNB3anz: Yeah it left my gf giggling for longer than we both felt comfortable with.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1410649280 | 1410651854 | t3_2gbr2u | t5_2to41 | 92 | vonJetpacks: TIFU by my six year old finding my dick pic
Mrs vonJetpack has on a number of occasions jokingly complained that she has never received a dick pic. "No! Not even on Snapchat!"
So one night when she wasn't home, I missed her, got horny, and snapped one. It wasn't bad, but not great either. The angle made it look a bit grotesque. So I deleted it, of course.
I thought.
A few days later I was at the museum with my six year old. He borrowed my phone to take pictures. A couple of minutes later he comes back, laughing, waving the phone around and says, loudly, for all the other museum goers to hear:
"Dad, what's wrong with your dick?"
As it turns out, synchronizing your mobile photos with Google+ (which I do) can make them show up again, when you least expect it.
Midnightbacon101: Why does your six-year-old son know what a dick is, and one that doesn't look right? J/S
newera14: Yeah I'm more concerned about this use of the term dick
Midnightbacon101: Why would that be?
newera14: Because kids don't know what is proper and what is not and when to use what term when. "Where are you hurt Jane?" "In my cunt." "My dick is irritated." "I saw his dick."
These are all phrases that can draw unwanted and or unnecessary attention from the wrong type of authority figures.
Midnightbacon101: I asked why a six-year-old even *knows* the word dick
newera14: Ha! right. My bad.
Midnightbacon101: It's fine
| 8 | 11.5 | |
1410650293 | 1410656992 | t3_2gbsj3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | MaskedSociopath: TIFU by having to poop.
This morning started off rough. I woke up to knocking on my bedroom door. I looked around to see laundry hanging off everything because the dryer decided to die last night.
I jumped out of bed and opened the door. My roommate was standing there dressed with his backpack on. "Do you have class today?" My alarm hadn't gone off. So I jumped in the shower and threw some clothes on. 5 minutes. Good recovery!
We get in the car. We go pick up some friends. They had a rough time getting up too. We had to wait a few minutes. And we're heading heading to school. When all of the sudden...shit! Literally, shit. I have to go to the bathroom so bad.
We get to school and I figure I'll get to the classroom and make sure I have enough time to go before class. I get there, but because we had to wait for our friends, I don't have time. So I take a seat. Already shaking from the urge to release what's sure to be a poopsplosion.
I soon learned that my professor was out of town and we had a grad student teaching today. The guy is wearing all black. He had one of those nose things that looks like it should be coming out of a minotaur's nostrils. A beard that ZZ top would be envious of. And the guy used to wear guages. His ears are stretched to he'll and back. This is fucking great because the pressure is rising to unstable levels.
Thing is, the guy starts teaching, and he's a hundred times better than my normal professor. He's teaching inverse trig substitution (maths) and I'm understanding. So I have to sit and endure this.
All the while, the kid next to me is rocking the bench with his leg shaking. It's like shaking a two liter of carbonized diarrhea.
I actually make it through class. But I have no clue where the nearest bathroom is. So I gamble on there being an easy to find one in the nearby library. It was a good gamble. I made it. But I had to sit and wait for my intestines to feel okay after I finish, I've just been holding onto a weapon of mass reduction after all.
So here's the thing about public bathrooms. Nobody uses them by choice. So the odds of something normal happening in there aren't high.
So while I'm waiting on my intestines, a guy runs into the stall next to me, sits down, and starts groaning. His feet are pulling back on their heel. And he goes, "awwww shit." Well I loose it.
Under the stalls barriers I see the guy walk to the door of my stall, pants still around his ankles. He bangs on the stall door and shouts "You think that's funny! I'll ..." then he makes a sick groan and waddles back to his stall. I pulled up my pants and made a quick getaway.
Overall that turned out pretty well.
TL;DR: Laughed at the shit slinging slasher and he tried to fight me.
Imthedaddy11: so he shit himself? sorry im a little slow can you please explain
MaskedSociopath: I don't know he had to go and I ran.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410650316 | 1410712526 | t3_2gbske | t5_2to41 | 195 | stache13: TIFU by snapchatting the wrong person
About twenty minutes ago, I was browsing good ol' Tinder when I found a super pretty girl and swiped right. To my surprise, we matched seconds after. So, I send the chick a message and we start talking. Things are going awesome (common interests, similar stories, all that jazz). She thinks I'm this awesome dude and she is shocked that there are even guys are Tinder who aren't all about hooking up and asking for nudies.
Well, I go on to get her snapchat name and send her a snap. The first two snaps go great and then I send the one that can never be unseen. My roommate and this girl share the same first letter in their names and I went to send my roommate a picture of me taking a big ol' sheeter. Me on the pot, stupid face, dick straight chillin' there. My heart dropped as I saw it was her name that I clicked and not my roommate's. As I'm sure you could guess, she was anything but pleased. I am currently apologizing profusely and she is having none of it. I've explained that it was not intended to go to her, but that's hardly a decent answer for what just happened.
*This* is why I can't have nice things.
ZTriv: This amused me.
Fair play for you trying to patch things up. You should have tried a line about how you felt so comfortable with her that you thought you could share such an intimate moment with her. The fact that she's not understanding shows that she's the one in the wrong OP, not you.
stache13: I wasn't even thinking about a line. I was just trying to not cry. She is slowly losing steam though, so *maybe* this will be okay in the end.
easilypersuadedsquid: > trying not to cry
:(
| 4 | 48.75 | |
1410651319 | 1410658068 | t3_2gbtww | t5_2to41 | 8 | r0b0torg: TIFU messed around with my best friends wife
r0b0torg: We agreed not to mess around anymore ..seperate couches
lildansonman: Yeeeaaahhhh I'm gonna go ahead and say that's not gonna keep your bodies from wanting to make human spaghetti with one another.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410651355 | 1410710846 | t3_2gbtyw | t5_2to41 | 90 | Gravytowns: TIFU literally by missing a close friend's wedding (NSFW)
Since I had the day off, my live-in GF and I decided to take it easy today, and spent the morning playing some SSB. We tend to get a little competitive, and this was no exception. We ended up moving to the bedroom for some very messy sex.
Afterward, she headed for the shower, and I went to mark off our encounter on the calendar (we're keeping track of her orgasms for reasons). And right away, I realized why I had today off.
Two of my oldest and closest friends just got married two hours ago. I thought the wedding was *next* Saturday.
metalandfire: I'm sure if you explain that you forgot because of SSB and sexy times they will understand why you ditched out on their wedding....*NOT*
TheIncredibleInk: Are you seriously trying to bring back "not"? What's next, "said the liar"?
BeardsuptheWazoo: liar liar pants for hire
AHSBALLER: Right no one says "not" anymore. Kappa
Pola06: Shame!
| 6 | 15 | |
1410650281 | 1410653089 | t3_2gbsij | t5_2to41 | 9 | Richmass1: TIFU by going to a club..
PIRATEghost85: But... your jacket?
Kfitz21: It's all I want to know about really.
| 3 | 3 | |
1410650267 | 1410733077 | t3_2gbsho | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to catch a spider.
This happened just now.
I know that being scared of spiders is a very common thing and that many people are scared of them, but my fear for the fuckers is on a whole new level. If I see a tiny one a few meters away on a wall or something, I run out of the room squeaking like a little girl (and I'm a 15 year old dude). Even at zoos or something when they're locked up behind glass I don't want to go near.
Today my (single) mother left the house, leaving me alone with the dog. I was sitting upstairs enjoying my time watching youtube videos when my dog had started indicating that she needed to pee. It was like 23:30 so I didn't want to go outside, and at times like this we just let her out into the garden instead of walks.
Anyway, I go downstairs to open the door for her, and as I turn back to go to the kitchen (felt like having a drink) I notice a fairly large spider just chillin' on the ceiling. Usually I'd get someone else to get the spider away but I was alone and had to take the matters into my own hands. After about a minute of standing there, looking at the spider making sure he wouldn't move or something, I decide to man up and deal with him.
I go to the kitchen & take a massive fucking glass bowl and fill it with water in order to capture him. As I mentioned before, my fear for spiders is extreme, and just getting a jar or a cup would mean being in fairly close proximity to the thing, while using a big bowl could let me avoid that.
Holding the glass bowl in both my hands I walk up to the spider, stand on the sofa & put my hands up, sort of attaching the bowl to the ceiling so that the spider was trapped. Step 1 successful. Step 2 is to get the spider to fall into the water. I try to move the bowl, hitting the spider with the edge in order for him to fall. After a few tries, he finally stopped clinging and fell into the bowl. Unfortunately, he landed on the side of the bowl just above the water...And directly next to my hand. Sudden panic. I drop the bowl, letting out the cry of a falcon, and jump away. The bowl drops to the floor, the glass shattering into a million pieces, spilling water everywhere.
The spider is out of sight now, so I sprint out of the room, my dog after me, and I slam the door behind me. The backdoor downstairs is open and there's glass and water everywhere. I do not plan on going down anytime soon.
TL;DR - Tried to capture a spider, ended up shattering a massive glass bowl and spilling water everywhere.
PIRATEghost85: Next time just get a phone book and launch it at the ceiling. The only good spider is a dead spider.
wrakk_: > The only good spider is a dead spider.
Words of wisdom.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410653696 | 1410688035 | t3_2gbx8g | t5_2to41 | 219 | zayetz: TIFU by getting herpes from my mom..
Earlier this week, I was visiting my mom and noticed that she had a pimple or two on her lip. Thought nothing of it. She kissed me on the cheek, maybe close to my own lips, I didn't really notice.
Today I woke up and discovered a huge, red bump on my own lip. When I called her up (for other reasons) and casually mentioned this, her voice lit up:
"Oh! I went to the doctor and he said I have herpes. I must have given it to you!"
MFW: ^ಠ ︵.^ಠ
rxcowboy: I got herpes from your mom too, and as a straight man it's a blast explaining to women why I have a sore near my anus.
IWantToGoToThat: I believe that's a...different type of herpes.
rxcowboy: It's my own fault for letting that herpetic harlot tongue punch my fart box. Sure a tongue in your shitter is great at the time, but at what cost?
Terragen: I thought we'd already established the exact cost.
rxcowboy: Not quite, no ones crunched the numbers on a lifetime supply of Valtrex.
Terragen: That's like getting a ransom call for five hundred grand and just before the kidnappers hang up you say "WAIT! five hundred grand... *and how many cents????*"
| 7 | 31.285714 | |
1410629221 | 1410655634 | t3_2gavuu | t5_2to41 | 14 | serberis8: TIFU by falling asleep.
Alright, so this happened I think exactly a year ago.
My girlfriend at the time (Lets call her Liz) was going to school and working at Cracker Barrel at night. I was a full time employee.
So, one Friday night, I got off work around 8PM. Liz was working til about 12 that night, had to close and do the rest of that kind of things. I didn't want to go home and just be lazy that night, so I decided to visit Liz at work. Surprised her by being in her section, ordered a Chicken Fried Chicken, joked around and laughed with her while she worked.
Well I finish my meal and I ask if I can have her key. She lived in some really nice dorms at the university. I'm talking like kitchen, living room, and 3 individual rooms with showers/bathrooms. Pretty nice shit.
I take the key, head over to where she is staying. Park on the 3rd floor parking garage. Really sketchy place, had to put very bright lights in it after someone got stabbed a couple years ago.
I get to the door, open it and walk in. Her 2 other roommates are out (Friday, college, probably partying). I had some spare clothes in her room so I take a shower. Lay in her bed, its about 11:30. Its getting late so I turn my phone to the loudest setting for calls.
Yup, you guessed it. Fell asleep. Woke up around 3:45, and as SOON as my eyes are open, I get this "Oh fucking shit" feeling. Look at my phone. 19 missed calls, 3 voicemails, 2 texts. I call Liz and she is in the parking garage trying to sleep in her car. She comes to the dorm and I hug her. She is covered in sweat. I cant stop apologizing. She doesn't care what I have to say and just wants to shower and sleep.
Pretty sure this is why she is my ex. I fucked up
Imthedaddy11: her call?
serberis8: Car* lol edited that
Imthedaddy11: thanks im tired and it was fucking with my brain
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1410653550 | 1410668615 | t3_2gbx1l | t5_2to41 | 5 | dukey01: TIFU by telling a cab driver he needed a piece of my pizza
MuffinPuff: How is this a fuck up?
CharacterMilk: I think OP means he told an Ethiopian man that he looks like he needs something to eat and its "offensive" because there is a lot of starvation in Ethiopia
MuffinPuff: I suppose so, but it's quite a stretch to assume the guy would actually get offended at being offered a slice of pizza, especially after mentioning he's probably been driving all night.
CharacterMilk: I know I don't think it was a big deal either I'm just saying thats what I think he meant.
| 5 | 1 | |
1410655122 | 1410696255 | t3_2gbzag | t5_2to41 | 152 | Slowpre: TIFU by forgetting to tie my athletic shorts
Let me start off by saying that this happened a few years ago when I was in high school. Sorry in advance for the length, but the full story is definitely worth a read if you have the time.
When I was in the 11th grade a couple of friends and I decided to sign up for a volleyball tournament fundraiser that the school was putting on. The tournament took place in our high school's gymnasium, and there were around 400 other students sitting on the bleachers to watch the games. My team decided to wear matching uniforms to look more legit, so we all wore the same t-shirt and athletic shorts. Unfortunately, the only pair of clean athletic shorts I had left were fairly old and the waist had been stretched out considerably. I ended up wearing them anyways, and just tied them the best that I could to keep them from falling down during the game.
After winning our first game, my team had to wait for the rest of the teams to play the first round so we decided to take a seat on the bleachers. Before sitting down, I ran to the bathroom with one of my teammates to take a leak (we'll call him Dave), and in the process forgot to retie my athletic shorts. As we were walking over to the bleachers to take a seat, I noticed a good friend of mine (we'll call her Jane) sitting in the front row. Nobody was sitting next to her, so Dave and I strolled over and I sat down with her.
I should probably point out here that Jane and I had been fairly close friends for many years. She lived about a mile down the road from me and we rode the bus to and from school together every day from the 4th grade on. She was also my first crush, and our families were good friends because we lived so close together.
Anyways, back to the story. Sometime while watching the game, sitting with Jane on my right and Dave on my left, another friend of mine called my name from somewhere else in the bleachers. I couldn't see where he was sitting, so I stood up (keep in mind, I was sitting in the front row) and turned so that my front was facing Jane. At this point, Dave decided that it would be funny to pants me, and rips my untied athletic shorts down to my ankles. Unfortunately for me, he accidentally grabbed my boxers too, and I was left standing bare ass in front of the whole school.
It gets worse. For whatever reason, I had decided that it would be a good idea to tuck my junk up into my waistband during the game, something that I normally never do. The force generated from my pants being pulled down sent my flaccid dick flying around. At this exact moment, Jane turned to witness what I can only describe as a full 360 degrees of unintentional helicopter dick. Needless to say, Jane started screaming, drawing the attention of everyone who hadn't already seen me standing bear ass in the front row of a bleacher packed with students. The speed at which I pulled those shorts up still amazes me to this day.
TL;DR: Accidentally forgot to tie my athletic shorts and as a result helicopter dicked about 5 inches from the face of my high school crush.
Edit: Since people have been asking: My team ended up losing in the second round of the tournament. I still talk to Jane occasionally, but now that were both in college I hardly ever see her. To be honest, after the "incident" it wasn't ever very awkward. I'm sure she just blocked out the mental image and moved on.
thewbfrog: What happened between you and the girl?
LavenderTownJpeg: OP plz!
CharacterMilk: OP PLZZZZZZZZZZZ
NativeCameo: OP I'll break your crayons if you don't.
| 5 | 30.4 | |
1410656094 | 1410656339 | t3_2gc0oj | t5_2to41 | 14 | stungdick: TIFU by getting my dick stung by a bee!!!
how you might ask? well i was running down this trail near my house with headphones on and I really fked up by not going to the bathroom before i went running, 2-3 miles in on this run i couldnt take it anymore so i went off the trail to go take a piss, got my dick out and started pissing. For some g0d damn reason bunch of flies were around and i didnt care that much at the time, and i was listening to a good song...(taylor swift shake it off)..dont judge me...anyways as i was pissing this bee..(i wasnt paying attention), just CAME OUT OF NOWHERE and stung my DICK, worst pain in my life!!! this fking bee stung my dick!!! i couldnt believe it, i was SHOCKED,FLABBERGASTED,BAMBOOZLED!! it was insane, i quickly took the stingers off and put my dick in my pants and it just hurts. FK U BEE, I HOPE TO G0D U HAD THE WORST DEATH, just ridiculous how a bee would sting a guy on his dick, anywhere would be better.
crckz: song choice is the perfect amount of ironic
stungdick: i'll never forget that moment
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410654681 | 1410684546 | t3_2gbyml | t5_2to41 | 315 | GallagherJohn: TIFU BY leading 300 people the wrong way
So i have been running cross country at high school for four years and i would classify myself as the best of the rest. Where i'm good enough to be respected on the team but not good enough to run the races that actually matter. So last year i'm put into the open race, and for those who don't know the open race is filled with every girl and boy of all shapes and sizes. From the 300 pound kid trying to lose weight to the kid wearing brand new Jordans because he needs to look fresh to death for his 3 mile race.
Anyway my school is good at XC and me and my fellow open race teamates knew we had this race in the bag; an easy run for a Win. The gun goes off and by the 400 meter mark we finally overtake the kids who believed sprinting the first 200 was a great strategy. We get to a point where our path is kind of like a trench and little did we know at about the half way point of that trench there was a line that veered to the right that we were supposed to follow. We did not see that line and we kept on following the path. Well that path led straight into a parking lot about 250 yards away from where we were supposed to be.
O geez well that sucks, stupid god damn mistake and our coach will be mad but i guess no harm done we thought. But we forgot that all of us were in the lead and i guess the people behind us believed we knew where we were going, and the people behind them, and the people behind them... We looked back to see the entire race of 300 hundred girls and boys running aimlessly through a parking lot dodging moving and honking cars. They just followed us like we were god damn moses leading the exodus. Also all those runners move at different speeds so that line of 300 runners probably didn't end for about ten minutes, which backed up the parking lot and caused a huge traffic jam on the street leading into the parking.
Knowing that we were directly responsible for this clusterfuck of a race was one of the worst feelings i've ever had, it felt like i was Custer and i just lead my men on a suicide mission. After the race everyone looked at us like we just smacked the ice cream out of the hands of 1000 kids with cancer.
crckz: I thought the hot gates was the right direction?
KatzOfficial: "Those behind cry 'FORWARD!', those in front cry 'BACK!'".
djanskjdnaskjdnaskj: "We must reach a compromise! Everybody, stop, hammer-time."
| 4 | 78.75 | |
1410656667 | 1410661766 | t3_2gc1go | t5_2to41 | 5 | fritodelay: TIFU By being not taking my shirt off
So basically my mum walks into my room while i was browing and proceeds to bitch about the huge mess my room is. , Granted i am messy as fuck but she was talking about a pair of jeans next to my bed. My mom has a shitty job , 4 AM to 4 PM cafeteria , She usually comes pissed so today like any other day she arrived heated , Fast forward to now , She tells me to take off my shirt so i can change it I say "Ok but please leave my room so i can do so" (Im a guy) and a bit self concious , That set her the fuck off. She started bitching about how either im a retarded or im an asshole , I jokingly tell her that i've got schizofrenia because she kept saying i must have a mental problem. (pardon my spelling) She keeps on rambling about back in our home country (cuba) she beat the shit out of my sister for calling her mean and about how i am so lost in life , I proceed to point out how she's freaking out for no reason and i tell her she's pissed at her boss and taking it out on me , She begins to bitch even harder about how my dad "babies" me and treats me like a pussy. She does not use Logic , We Cubans use a Philosiphy called Asshitting with a belt , If i keep trying to rationalizing with her My ass is going to end up hurting alot... Reddit she is an angry person but a good person , Help me my ass depends on it.
CaliforniaSun19: well she's working a shitty job for you and your family and probably doesn't enjoy doing it,so even little things like your shirt will set her off,the best thing you can do is be as passive as possible and to not fuel the anger,and maybe attempt to ask about her day or something else that's nice(being nice most of the time should totally reverse her mood).Wish you luck man = )
fritodelay: Yeah sometimes i can reverse her mood but it takes literally 2-3 hours of complete niceness and not fucking up which is pretty hard dude. Wurf though because it saves my ass for about a week amd a half
createanewaccountuse: You're also lucky for the [wet foot, dry foot policy](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wet_feet,_dry_feet_policy). There are many kids trying to get to the US through Mexico. But because of where they're from, would most likely be deported to their shitty situation. Not sure how she got to the US, but if she had to go through shit to get to the US just to get a shitty job, I think it's understandable why she'd be pissed.
Do something nice for her. Like get her flowers and make dinner.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Wet feet, dry feet policy**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wet%20feet,%20dry%20feet%20policy): [](#sfw)
---
>The __wet foot, dry foot policy__ is the name given to a consequence of the 1995 revision of the [Cuban Adjustment Act](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuban_Adjustment_Act) of 1966 that essentially says that anyone who fled [Cuba](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuba) and got into the [United States](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States) would be allowed to pursue residency a year later. After talks with the Cuban government, the [Clinton administration](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinton_administration) came to an agreement with Cuba that it would stop admitting people found at sea. Since then, in what has become known as the "wet foot, dry foot" policy, a Cuban caught on the waters between the two nations (with "wet feet") would summarily be sent home or to a third country. One who makes it to shore ("dry feet") gets a chance to remain in the United States, and later would qualify for expedited "legal [permanent resident](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Permanent_resident)" status and eventually [U.S. citizenship](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._citizenship).
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/om6Ep8D.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cuba-Florida_map.jpg) - *Cuba is 90 miles \(145 kilometres\) south of Florida*
---
^Interesting: [^Operations ^Safe ^Haven ^and ^Safe ^Passage](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operations_Safe_Haven_and_Safe_Passage) ^| [^Operation ^Sea ^Signal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Sea_Signal) ^| [^Balseros ^\(rafters)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balseros_\(rafters\))
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| 5 | 1 | |
1410657459 | 1410742509 | t3_2gc2i7 | t5_2to41 | 107 | metagorngg: TIFU by getting horny during a cycling race (slightly NSFW)
Throwaway account because you know.
TLDR; I got a boner during a cycling race, still had the boner while on the podium
So I live in a small town; we do a small charity bike race once a year. There are ~100 people in the race, to show how small it is. The top 20 people in the race are in it to win, so we're wearing all the typical cycling clothes and shit, complete with the super [fucking tight pants.](http://ep.yimg.com/ay/yhst-50333102007840/classic-padded-bike-shorts-made-in-usa-by-aero-tech-60.gif)
I'm chilling in third place behind this girl with an AMAZING ass - long story short, I start daydreaming about her ass and get a hard-on while still cycling. With a mile to go, I slip out from behind her and finish second. When we finish the race, we instantly ride to the podium (if you place first through fourth). I don't want to get off the bike until the boner is gone, so I delay a little bit and eventually feel like it's gone so I get off and step on the podium.
What I don't realize is that my penis had shrunk to the state where it's in between a boner and its usual dormant state, so I look like I'm having a boner with an insanely small dick. Long story short, people/media are taking pictures, and it eventually makes its way to the front page of the fucking newspaper in our town.
I haven't been outside my house since, I have to go to work tomorrow and have to face my fucking coworkers, my boss doesn't have a sense of humor either, so I might be fired for getting a hard-on.
Xperiencedsyd: You can't get fired for being aroused. That's illegal. Straight up. Well at least it is here. Unless you have a no-notice-can-be-terminated-whenever-for-whatever kind of contract.
Otherwise hilarious. And good ride
johhan: Most work in the US is at-will employment. He can be fired for anything if this applies to him.
Xperiencedsyd: Fuck that noise. NEW ZEALAND #1 IN HUMAN FREEDOM. Just saying.
| 4 | 26.75 | |
1410657774 | 1410726869 | t3_2gc2ye | t5_2to41 | 5,471 | poopstorythrowaway__: TIFU by (not) asking my girlfriend if she has been pooping in the shower
So as the story goes, my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 years, but just moved in together about 6 months ago. She is very smart, clean, fun, and generally just an all-around good person to live with. Until about 5 months ago..
She typically wakes up earlier than me and hops in the shower right away, so by the time I get up she is finished in the bathroom. One morning as I was getting in the shower I noticed some brown... stuff near the drain of the tub. I thought nothing of it really, and made a note to clean the bathroom later that day as it had been a couple weeks.
The next day I hopped into a freshly cleansed bathtub and to my dismay, there again were traces of some brown material in different areas of the tub floor. Concerned and a little disgusted by this mysterious matter, I rinsed it away the best i could. It couldn't be what I thought it was, right? Maybe we had mice! Yes, mice. I should tell my girlfriend to pick up some traps on her way home.
Fast forward a few weeks; completely empty mouse traps, zero evidence of mousey activities, yet still almost every morning I was met with a greasy brown substance hastily mashed around the shower drain.
I planned my words carefully; it was not my intention to embarrass her, as I would expect this type of behavior would indicate some type of underlying mental disorder or strange fetish that I was somehow unaware of. Whatever her reason, we would work it out together and move on with our lives.
The moment finally came after dinner tonight. I took a deep breath, put my hand on her knee, looked her in the eye and asked, "Laura, have you been pooping in the shower?" A mix of confusion and mild amusement crossed her face and she responded with, "Um, Excuse me? Is that a serious question?" I guess my uncomfortable body language made her realize that I indeed was serious, and she immediately became alarmed. I explained the strange matter that I would find in the tub every morning, and it didn't look like residue from any of the products that she used, so I couldn't imagine what else it could be.
There was a pause before she began giggling hysterically. "I use my morning coffee grounds as a face scrub!"
The amount of relief that washed over me was intense, but I was only able to enjoy it for a few seconds before she stood up and said,
"Wait.. how long have you been suspicious exactly?"
"A couple weeks after moving in was the first time I noticed, why?"
**".........YOU THOUGHT I WAS SHITTING IN THE SHOWER AND YOU WAITED 5 MONTHS TO CONFRONT ME ABOUT IT?!"**
Edit: to those of you saying I'm stupid for not being able to tell the difference between coffee and feces, you aren't understanding the *amount* that was in question. It was never a massive clump of grounds, but more like a half of a teaspoon of an oily residue. Maybe I am profoundly stupid.. but some of you are WAY too angry about it too :( buck up, kiddos!
Edit 2: yikes. Some of these comments and angry PMs make me feel like I posted to youtube accidentally. Yeesh!
nemoe1sta: Wait, wouldnt it have smelled like coffee? And something else coffee usually tends to be tiny pieces.. doesnt usually smear.. thanks for the read made me laugh :)
poopstorythrowaway__: Apparently she also mixes it would some king of oil, which is why I couldn't easily identify it as coffee. I asked the same exact thing! She demonstrated for me and the resulting concoction is very sluge-like.
jumpiz: Oh ok, because I was gonna suggest a coffee enema, but maybe she was afraid to tell you...
poopstorythrowaway__: coffee enema..? Please. Elaborate.
Dittorita: 1.) Make coffee enema.
2.) Stick it up ass.
3.) ???
4.) PROFIT!
DMAredditer: Instructions unclear. ? stuck up ass.
Dittorita: I hate it when hook shaped objects go into places they weren't supposed to.
Throwaway_697: Seriously though, ass-hooks are fairly common in bondage scenarios. Hook her, then tie it to her hair so she can't move her head.
thekeemoman: And if she spasms and jerks her head? Wouldn't that... you know...
DZCreeper: Exactly, what do you think the point of the hook is?
a_drunken_monkey: Cause everybody likes a game of go fish?
| 12 | 455.916667 |
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