start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1410658985 | 1410660089 | t3_2gc4lv | t5_2to41 | 21 | ijustsitinsilence: TIFU by shitting in a ditch to avoid fapping (X-Post from /r/NoFap)
So after I got home from my long work day today and was feeling the urge and began edging. To beat that I decided to go for a six mile run around a nearby uni right after dusk in the rain. I was feeling great doing a maybe 8min/mile pace until about four miles in, while running on a busy road, I felt a STRONG need to take a shit pronto.
Immidatley, I started looking for any roadside cover because it was coming on quick. I ended up seeing a ditch up ahead of me and vaulted into it. I pulled my pants down and ducked to avoid cars headlights. An extended and loud fart was released from inside followed by a massive amount of explosive shit. What I did not notice was in the house beside where I stooped a frat party was just starting and the noise from my ditch sharting was very noticable. A couple of the guys came running to investigate the goings on of my ditch escapade. Upon seeing them coming a proceeded to yank my pants up and take off running the other direction.
After about 30 seconds I began hearing yelling/cussing from the guys following me who had either smelled or stepped in my mess in the ditch. Thankfully at that point I was rounding a street corner and didn't see them the rest of my run back home. Now I'm home showered, tired, and feeling disgusting, but with no desire to fap tonight.
tl:dr I overcame fapping tonight by taking an explosive shit in a ditch.
Buck_Nastyshire: I could perfectly picture the old man from Billy Madison that opens the door and yells, "IT'S POOP AGAIN!" Except with frat members stepping in your poop because they've most definitely dealt with at least 3 poop related incidents before your's.
ijustsitinsilence: Yes, the only thing that makes me feel ok about the incident is it was a frat member who I'm sure has seen practical jokes with shit plenty of times.
Buck_Nastyshire: They probably thought the worst but then saw it was just a steaming dump they became immediately relieved.
ijustsitinsilence: Yep, buisness as usual for a frat member
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1410647617 | 1410664318 | t3_2gboh6 | t5_2to41 | 6 | JakeGT: TIFU by Drinking a protein shake
I get home from the gym and decide to make a protein shake. Grab my cup in the sink, rinse it out and make my shake. I figure I'll throw some dishes in the dishwasher while I'm at it. I state rinsing things out and start the dishwasher. I take a break to go piss and there's an instant burning sensation... Like my shit feels like it's literally on fire... I just found out my roommate chopped and dried out habeneros(sp) two days ago and didn't rinse the dishes he used out.
Now I'm sitting here writhing in pain getting ready to shower...
Dovikiin: I've done this more times than I care to admit...
JakeGT: I've read about it may times... I'm honestly surprised it hadn't happened sooner.
Dovikiin: It sucks, and I also tried to jump in the shower but I used mildly warm water instead of cold water. The pain was horrible.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410659162 | 1410660546 | t3_2gc4ut | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving the fappening on my computer
I downloaded a zip of some of those pictures and accidentally left them. She found them. I get home from work and she was gone but the pictures were up on the screen and the clay frog I got her from my trip to Colorado was broken all over my computer desk. On top of that were pictures of us that had been ripped up with 'fuck you' written on one of them and a note saying 'move out creep'. This is my girlfriend of 3 years that I live with. I have no phone at the moment and all I've gotten out of her on facebook was that I'm disgusting and that she's leaving me. She assumed that I had been building up this collection myself for some period of time, meticulously organizing each one alphabetically by name. Fuck....
TLDR: Left fappening pics on comp and may get dumped because of it
EAGStheOgre: Personally as a woman I don't understand why so many women get this upset over their boyfriends or husbands fapping to porn. It's human nature to want to look at or watch sex involving people you know you will never have sex with. It doesn't mean you don't love your s.o. or don't find them attractive anymore. It would be one thing if you were fapping to it with her in the next room or something but oh my god what an overreaction.
Joe434: Geeze I could've used you two relationships ago to explain that to my ex.
| 3 | 6 | |
1410658572 | 1410688162 | t3_2gc420 | t5_2to41 | 9 | whatifitriedthisname: TIFU by making a tasteless joke about down syndrome to a girl with a sister who has down syndrome
Okay so we were in class and divided into groups and given an exercise. There is 10 people on a boat that's sinking and we decide to save 6 and kill 4. But the catch is each person has some sort of valuable contribution to society for example one was a world renowned cancer doctor so we would want to save him because he can save many lives in the future. Anyway at the bottom of the list of people is Joe, Joe has down syndrome. So I'm in a group with 3 other girls and one says "okay who shall we kill first?" And me thinking I was funny said "Joe because he has no life ahead of him" then they all laughed for about a second then looked at me and turned to one of the girls who then said "my sister has down syndrome"
Needless to say I felt horrible and had to get up and leave the room.
efie: You heartless sonuva bitch
I bet that wasn't even today, I bet it was like 2 and a half months ago
Pick234: Ha! I'll take that bet and up it .. I bet it happened three years ago! What do you got to say about that ya punk?
Three years ago is my bet! Yeah what you too scared to take my bet?
Lol I dunno just kidding man it's a prank it's a prank! STOP KICKING MY ASS OH GOD HES GOT A KNIFE AUUUGGH HE STABBED ME! ITS A PRANK MAN WE GOT A CAMER.... NO DONT STEAL MY CAMERA ITS A PRANK A PRANK..
(Dies of stab wound last words "it's a prank...."
S0LDIER-X: Every time I see someone with a comment like this, either on here, or twitter. It reminds me of a video i found on facebook full of "pranks" specifically targeted at black guys. like walking up to one and asking if he wants to buy a gun(the idiot prankster has what appears to be two water guns) the black guy then says "bitch I already got a gu" and then it goes to another prank clip. in that video at least 4guys started kicking the pransters ass, which it looked like the pranks were done by two different guys. Three guys pulled out guns, one pulled a knife and his friends backed him into a corner before the clip ended.
Pick234: I've seen those videos too and it is what I was referencing :)
S0LDIER-X: Someones going to die doing those "pranks"
Pick234: I'm expecting it to show up soon enough, pranker gets stabbed/shot during prank.. Realizes he's not funny.
S0LDIER-X: or the camera guy realizes he's a moron and it's not actually a prank as he stares at his dead friend.
Pick234: Yep. People seem to forget, pranks are supposed to be funny.
| 9 | 1 | |
1410658574 | 1410726467 | t3_2gc425 | t5_2to41 | 83 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to pawn a stolen item
This is the biggest fuck up in my life so far, and the worst thing was it wasn't really my fault. So I'm a 35 year old guy from Illinois. I've never been in trouble with the law in my life, and live a regular, normal existence. I unfortunately, however, have a brother who doesn't lead such a good life, which he has kept hidden from the rest of the family for a long time. My brother is a drug addict and a kleptomaniac, and it wasn't until after this whole ordeal that we discovered he has stolen thousands of dollars worth of merchandise from stores and people's homes.
The relationship between my brother and my family had been rocky for several months, but we were not aware of his stealing. On Christmas, he gave me a PS4 with 3 games. Great, awesome gift! Except that I already have a gaming PC, so I didn't really need the PS4, but I was thankful for the gift anyways. I decided to pawn the PS4, and gave the pawnshop my ID and information. All good, right? Little did I know that the PS4 was stolen.
One week later, I have just come home from work when I get a knock on my door. It's the cops. They ask me if I'm XeroxMan, and I say yes I am, and ask what the problem is. I am then notified that I'm being placed under arrest for stealing and breaking and entering. Apparently, the PS4 was stolen from a family's house in my neighborhood, and one of them went to the local pawn store (which by chance I went to) and managed to identify something unique about the PS4, which they identified as theirs. The item was then tracked back to me. So I am told I have the right to remain silent, I'm handcuffed and frogmarched across my lawn into a police cruiser. I'm driven to the local police station, and assume this is all a mistake that will be cleared up. I was very wrong.
I get to the police station, and a clerk collects my personal data while I sit handcuffed in a chair. It's Friday evening, and the jail is loud and filled with crazies. I get uncuffed, and patted down, and have to surrender my shoes, wallet, keys, belt, phone and watch. I get a mugshot taken and get fingerprinted and I'm then put in a large holding tank with 20 other guys. I sit in the corner and try hard to mind my own business, hoping I'll get out soon. Two fights break out, but luckily I manage to shut up and avoid attention, despite being the only white guy in the cell. 6 hrs pass, and we are then told that we will be seeing a magistrate on Monday because it's a weekend. At this point I'm freaking out, because I have to go to work on Monday.
We each get put in a waiting room, while each person is called. I get called, a bin is placed in front of me and I'm told to remove all my clothing piece by piece. After being forced to strip naked in front of an officer, I have to undergo a degrading body search, which includes lifting my genitals and spreading my ass cheeks. I'm then issued a blue inmate uniform, flip flops and a wrist band. I'm given bedding and brought to my cell. You are only allowed out of your cell to eat and then for one hour. I wake up the next day and have some shitty breakfast, and then sit in boredom in my cell, wondering how I got into this situation. Saturday and Sunday pass without incident, and early Monday morning I'm told I will see a judge. I get put in shackles and go to my arraignment, where the judge gives me my bail amount. $10,000? For what? Well, I can't afford it, and the jail doesn't allow me to look up any phone numbers of relatives.
I can't post bail, so I am forced to wait until my trial. I sit in jail until Wednesday, when I'm told that I am going to be transferred to the county jail. I get put in cuffs and leg irons, with my hands attached to a belly chain, and get attached to several other inmates. We are then loaded up into a van and driven to the county jail. We are then brought into processing, where I have to endure another 6 hour procedure. I am brought into a large room with several other inmates and have to undergo another strip search. Lift your arms, bend over and spread em, *cough*cough*. I then have to shower and delouse, and am issued a bright orange jail uniform. I am then put in an overcrowded cell with five other guys.
I end up spending 2 and a half weeks in county. I am forced to talk to my relatives and my lawyer behind a glass screen in an orange jumpsuit, and suffer through endless boredom as I sit waiting for my trial. Still no idea when my trial is going to be. After two and a half weeks, I'm notified that I am going to be transferred to another jail due to overcrowding. I get shackled up again and get transferred to a jail 5 hours way. Processed again, strip searched and given a yellow uniform. 4 weeks in that jail.
Finally, my trial. I have to appear in court in my yellow jumpsuit, with my hands chained to my waist in front of all my relatives, while my lawyer delivers my case. And I am acquitted of the charges due to a lack of evidence and an alibi. I go back to my cell and have to wait 8 hours until I'm processed out. After almost 2 months in jail, I lose my job and have to rebuild my life. The evidence eventually does point to my brother (who is unapologetic by the way). Luckily, my brother did eventually get caught stealing, and is now facing a lengthy jail sentence. It's just a shame I had to be punished for something that wasn't my fault.
CJM8515: Wait something isn't adding up here. You state that they arrested you at your house ad then take you in but never questioned you?
that doesn't make sense. They would have questioned you before you getting put into lockup or during your time at the station.
Is there more to the story your not telling ?
thathr0waway: there's no need to question him if they already have enough to arrest him, this isn't law & order
S0LDIER-X: Where the fuck was his one phone call. When my brother got busted he called me and told me what happened. Where was OP's one phone call?!
kmarple1: He said they wouldn't let him look up numbers, so he got a phone call, but not a phone *book*.
Anyway, the "one phone call" thing isn't really a right, despite what TV tells people. You have the right to an attorney, who can contact people for you. They don't actually have to let you use the phone.
S0LDIER-X: Well about 5 minutes after the police called me, my brother called and told me he'd been arrested.
kmarple1: They'll probably let you, they just aren't required to.
grizelin: All depends on the nature of the offence, if it's a civil offence, often they won't prevent access to a phone.
Source: I regularly text people during arrests :P
trajon12: Regularly?!?!
grizelin: Yeah... Once every year exactly.
| 10 | 8.3 | |
1410659891 | 1410676066 | t3_2gc5t4 | t5_2to41 | 28 | TheIXPredator69: TIFU By playing Fallout 3
Before I start this I have to say that I am in no way racist at all, now that's cleared up lets begin.
So I just brought Fallout 3 GOTY for PC and I had never played any of the DLCs that were on offer so I decided to have a crack at Operation Anchorage. So I start shouting things as I'm killing the Chinese soldiers. (I tend to get worked up over my games and get quite into them and act like the protagonist).
After about 20 minutes into the DLC these shouts start to become quite offensive. One I clearly remember shouting is "Take that you fucking slanted eyed squints!".
About 20 meters away from my house is a main road that splits the town in half and is used my nearly everyone in the town on a daily basis.
As I was screaming this incredibly racist comments a large group of Chinese were walking down the street at about 2am, obviously very drunk. As they were walking by my house I let out at the top of my lungs "You fucking Chinese squints open your eyes and you might be able you hit me you cunts!". I proceed to hear shouting coming towards my house and I take a quick peak out my window, I see around 7-15 Chinese men coming to my house looking like they're out to murder me.
I quickly sprint faster then I've ever run before and closed all the windows and drew the blinds hoping they would go away, but they didn't... My parents returned about 30 minutes later with a large group of angry Chinese men on the doorstep. I'm hiding in my room now after my parents shouted louder then I had ever heard them shout. Now I have vicious, blood thirsty Chinese men after me and my parents treating me like I'm a spawn of satan.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. TAKE BACK ANCHORAGE
FleetMaster_Daedalus: THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR FREEDOM!
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: RED CHINESE THREAT DETECTED!
| 4 | 7 | |
1410657197 | 1410699022 | t3_2gc26k | t5_2to41 | 3 | zengoblin: TIFU by Overdosing on Inulin, the fart fiber.
Darth_Rick_Grimes: Ahh the infamous gummi bear diarrhea syndrome.
zengoblin: That would be lycasine, ive heard about it.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410659972 | 1410749789 | t3_2gc5xa | t5_2to41 | 11 | ThrowawayIdiot4: TIFU by forgetting something in my pocket.
My dad was driving me home from work when he turned down the radio and said "Your sister found a used condom in the bathroom, don't let that happen again". It must have fell out of my pocket during a laundry load. I'm going to apologize by leaving [this](http://imgur.com/SkpRoEw) on her bed or something. Fuck.
EDIT: I don't throw them away at my girlfriends house because I'm paranoid someone will find it in the trash, so I pocket them and throw them away at my house.
scottmac34: You should always put the open wrapper in the condom, tie it in a knot then flush it down the toilet.
thathr0waway: PSA: never flush condoms, ever, that's as terrible an idea as bacon grease down your kitchen sink
the_human_oreo: What exactly is so bad about doing that?
thathr0waway: it's fucking terrible for sewers, especially tying it in a knot with the wrapper inside, why would anyone ever do that?
the_human_oreo: How is it terrible, you aren't giving any reasons...
thathr0waway: are you incapable of basic research? you aren't supposed to flush anything that won't break up in water, it will eventually cause clogs, condoms float which is also bad, the nice people who run the sewers like to plan on everything moving in a predictable manner.
the_human_oreo: I'm just saying, you came here saying it was bad with no actual points, you've got to back your arguments up with facts and evidence.
thathr0waway: "don't flush condoms" is common knowledge, though; that first comment made me cringe so I just mentioned that in case someone thought that guy wasn't joking.
the_human_oreo: People keep saying you shouldn't flush them, every time I ask why they never actually give any reasons, most I've ever gotten is a "because you shouldn't"
| 10 | 1.1 | |
1410661047 | 1411340238 | t3_2gc7d6 | t5_2to41 | 8 | secudrone: TIFU by accidentally turning down a BJ.
I work security for a mall and was doing mobile patrols (ride around in a truck) just before closing time tonight. This is the second busiest time of the week (after closing time Friday), and I was pulling up to do a scan at a location which is very much covered by 2 cameras.
So I pull up, hop out of the truck, and a pretty good-looking woman in a wheelchair calls me over. She asks me to help her out, and I do. She just wanted someone there because it's dark and it takes her a second to get in the car. Normally we can't do shit like that (and I would get in trouble), but she was in a wheelchair so I figured it'd be okay.
After she's done, she offers to give me "something". I tell her we can't take any money, and even if I wanted to, we're on camera right now so I'd get fired. Then she offers me a hand warmer (?), and I say no. Then, right after that, I'm pretty fucking sure she said "how about some head?"
I was in the middle of a long line of declinations, so I just said "nope" before I even realized what she said. But she said it so low and quickly that I may have misheard her (like a 20% chance). Realizing this, I say "we can't accept any *cash*", hoping she thought I misheard her. But she just kind of ignores me from then on.
Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. Pornography should have prepare me, but I ignorantly assumed scenarios like that never happened. I think I'm going to become a pizza delivery guy now.
89bBomUNiZhLkdXDpCwt: Ok, so I only read the title: But SERIOUSLY, how do you "accidentally" turn down a BJ?
secudrone: Read the rest.
89bBomUNiZhLkdXDpCwt: Touché.
| 4 | 2 | |
1410660777 | 1410680710 | t3_2gc70r | t5_2to41 | 70 | Obtuse-harp: TIFU by flashing everyone
This was yesterday.
I was in the city with my best friend and got an overwhelming urge to pick her up and spin her around. Unfortunately, in my state of supreme happiness, I overlooked the fact that the skirt she was wearing was probably too short for that kind of thing. We were coming out of a hallway of shops (arcade) and I decided to allow myself the pleasure of picking her up. Three seconds later she ordered me to put her down (this was in a scary voice, so I decided to obey). It was then that I realised I had exposed my best friend to what could potentially be about 20 people.
She is now refusing to talk to me (or that is how it appears to be playing out).
Mikasa_Sisterzoned: If she's really your best friend I'm surprised a simple mistake like that would cause her to stop talking to you. Keep us updated yo
Quetzhal: I would guess she's not really mad, but pretending to be just to get back at OP a little.
| 3 | 23.333333 | |
1410660570 | 1410674905 | t3_2gc6rr | t5_2to41 | 519 | Riddly_Diddly: TIFU by selling weed to an old lady.
For this story to make any sense, I probably have to give you a little background. I am a senior in high school and a major ent. I have strict parents who really don't like that I smoke weed and have caught me multiple times. After getting caught the 2nd time, I decided to outsmart them by setting up little weed-cache's around my house in Altoids tins, hidden throughout our house. While this may seem risky, I kept close tabs on where everything was, and if my parents did find a stash box, they would only end up taking dime-bag instead of my entire stash. When it came time for college applications and SAT's, I decided it would be best if I cut back on my smoking habit for a little while. I collected every stash box I had, and gave it away to all my friends, or so I thought.
With my brothers and sister all in or heading to college, my parents decided now is as good a time as ever to downsize our house. Today we had a garage sale because there won't be enough room for all of our junk in the new house when we move in less than a week. About halfway through the day, my father asked me if there was anything I wanted to sell besides furniture. I figured why not, and headed up to my room to see what I could clear out of my closet. I found my childhood guitar that I hadn't played since about 5th grade. I had bought 2 other guitars since then and selling it seemed like a good idea. As soon as I walked out the front door, guitar in hand, an old lady approaches me saying how it would be perfect for her little granddaughter. Awesome, I thought, being able to sell it this quickly. She asks 20 for it and I tell her its 30. I was about to meet her in the middle when she asked me what that "shiny box was doing taped inside the guitar". Sure enough it was one of my weed-caches. Fuck. Of course my mother who is standing 5 feet away overhears, and walks over to us. Thankfully, my mother wasn't able to tell what it was either, but grabs the guitar and starts trying to pull it out. Holy fuck. As if it wasn't bad enough, a cop car pulls up out front. The cops in our town have little to do, and today one decided he wanted to shop at our yard sale. Jesus fucking christ. I had no idea what to do. So I shouted 20 dollars at the old lady, took her money, and snatched the guitar out of my moms hands. I took the guitar and walked right past the cop, visibly nervous. I opened the old lady's trunk and put in the guitar. I tried, but there was no way I could grab the box with 5-10 other customers walking around me. I slammed the trunk shut and told the old lady that it was a pleasure doin' business with her. After that whole ordeal I decided that I'm gonna take a break from this whole yard sale thing and headed up stairs. Well reddit, we don't move for another 4 days. I'm seriously hoping she doesn't call the police or whatever, cause there is nothing I can do at this point. All I can hope is that we've already moved by the time she discovers a gram of OG dankity-dank inside little-Susy's guitar.
tl;dr I sold an Ent campfire kit to a senior citizen.
sekathon: This is amazing.
Riddly_Diddly: HA! I wish I could say that about my situation right now. Maybe in 5 years I'll look back on this and laugh. Or not.
sekathon: Who knows, maybe she's 420 friendly.
[deleted]: 4friendly20me?
Am I doing this right?
| 5 | 103.8 | |
1410661429 | 1410720440 | t3_2gc7v6 | t5_2to41 | 67 | pabloporkbutt: TIFU by making faces at a baby
I was walking out of an appointment in midtown when I see this pretty woman, with a stroller, approaching. Now, I like both babies and ladies, so when she strolled past I made sure to make a funny face for the little guy. ...It all happened so fast. We crossed paths and she shot me some of the sharpest daggers in existence. It took me a second to register what happened, but as she was speeding off I had noticed that the baby was challenged (helmet and all). I feel like a dick, but that wasn't my intention.
Tl;dr Woman thought I was mocking her mentally challenged baby with my silly baby face.
Harlequinphobia: I once threw a ketchup covered pickle slice from a Whopper on the cheek of a baby in a high chair from two tables away.
progress_dad: please explain. I think my life may depend on it.
Harlequinphobia: I was with my buddies at BK, we were high as kites at the time. These two soccer moms were gabbing away a few seats away ignoring the small baby in the high chair. The baby was being loud so I tossed a slightly warm pickle slice at it and it stuck to the baby's cheek like a leech. The baby was confused but didn't cry, we were laughing our asses off.
Its_not_a: You horrible bastard, have an up vote.
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1410660797 | 1410663354 | t3_2gc71r | t5_2to41 | -19 | kristjkm: TIFU when I spit my gum out the car window
Not today, but yesterday on my commute home from work, I opened the window and spit my gum out. I did not think to look for the guy in my blind spot who was speed past, catching the gum I spit out on his windshield.
Side note: something that I do when I spit out my gum is turn it into a little disc sort of shape and spit it and spin it with my tongue, kind of like a frisbee.
It landed on his windshield and he honked, moved in front of me, and cut me off if I tried to switch lanes. I couldn't find a way to communicate an apology and I knew I deserved it so I dealt with it for 20 mins til I exited...
To this guy on Rt 1 S. in North Brunswick, New Jersey, I'm so sorry.
SpecOps2000: That was me! Apology accepted mate :)
LetMeBeDumb: was it really you?
| 3 | -6.333333 | |
1410662927 | 1410667129 | t3_2gc9t8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | SHUMAGORATH7: Tifu by almost helping someone commit suicide
I'm on mobile forgive any grammatical errors.
So I'm driving today through my old neighborhood, a block away from my old high school for nostalgia. Pick up fried rice from the Mexican restaurant all the kids used to fight at on lunch break and head back towards my uncles shop to talk about sports, then head home to play destiny. Well I've got my route set and I'm passing the bus stop me and my prom date sat at and used to hold hands and make out at, with all the nostalgia washing over me I don't notice this kid in my peripheral with his arms out and his head down as if he's surrendered to impact. I immediately stop, my ice tea spills in my lap and I give the loudest "WTF MAN" I can muster. He puts his arms down and stares for a second then slowly walks out of the road, back onto the sidewalk where he had come from. As the adrenaline wears off I realize he couldn't have been crossing the street and I kinda get emotional. I wanna go back and talk to him but it's too late.
I could have helped him, I shouldn't have yelled at him. I hope he gets it together.
klkevinkl: Usually, the interruption actually does a lot to stop people from committing suicide.
SHUMAGORATH7: Hopefully it scared him enough to stay away from it. I almost pissed myself. I keep seeing him there in the road. Thank god I wasn't fn with my radio or something
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410662387 | 1410697166 | t3_2gc948 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By throwing money at a homeless dude
It happened in mid summer this year in Oakland CA. i'm visiting some family in california. Me and my older cousin had this video shooting and audio recording at a club where my cousins older brother (my other cousin) was DJ'ing. We arrive and park right across the street from the club and there are those 3 homeless dudes old black guys sitting on the sidewalk on the side where i exit the car that start friendly chatting with us NOT at that moment asking us for any change. We were in a hurry so we greet them while we're on the move to the club and all good with that.
Inside the club when we are about to start we realize that we forgot our microphone at a friends place, so we rush out to the car and when we reach the car the homeless dude asks me "sir you must have some change for me?". Before i keep on with the story i must tell you that in my country we don't have any homeless people very visible and asking for change and i am not used to seeing them like in america so i really feel bad for all of them and i wish to give all of them change.
Anyway while in a rush mode next to the car and my cousin already inside i don't bother to take the 5 steps to give it to him so without thinking i reach down my pocket pull out a quarter and i flipthrew it at him with my thumb and it lands on him and while it's still rolling on the street he asks me "Heads or tails?" i couldn't hear him because at that moment i was drunk and also high from a joint i smoked earlier and it looked like i was ignoring him completely so he asks again and again before checking and this 30-35 year old black lady is walking up to them she probably knew them and while i'm closing the door after me on the car we hear her shouting "WHAT THE FUCK!?" while looking at us while we drive off. and the second i close the door i realize what i did and how racist i must look and my cousin asks me "Did you just throw money at a homeless person in oakland?" and he follows it with "that's the most disrespectful thing to do ever" i was shocked over my action and really felt bad. when we got back from with the mic we park 2 blocks away to guarentee our and the cars' safety and we snuck back to the club because they had a clear view of the line..
i didn't mean anything bad, i tend to do misread situations alot especially when i'm high
kwyjiboner: Are you still high?
Because I don't understand half of that.
AudioThor: grammar or just word use? no i aint :)
| 3 | 1 | |
1410665067 | 1410842113 | t3_2gccj0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | twinsahoy: TIFU by taking my offspring shopping by myself
Long-time lurker, first-time poster.
I have three-month-old twin boys. They are eating and pooping machines. Since they were born I have been combined breast and formula feeding them due to the fact they are hungry little f*ckers and gives me some reprieve with night feeds.
Yesterday I decided to take them out by myself for the first time ever. Usually I take my mother with me but she had plans and I really needed to buy a wedding gift for a friend before her registry dried up. I told my husband of my plan and he looked frightened and tried to talk me out of it. I'll be fine, I told him. If they both need to feed at the same time I'll just give them formula. Easy! I can do this!
My friend had registered at a high-end store. I was walking around with both boys in the double stroller - the seats are side by side and face me so I can see them, but I often turn them to face away from me as I find this puts them to sleep faster for some reason.
I printed the registry and took my time perusing items. At one point, both boys cracked up and I had to madly mix formula bottles for them and feed them. They guzzled them in record time and we kept walking. Normally a bottle plus walking is magic for putting them to sleep, but they kept fussing so I figured I'd give them. Bit more formula in case they were hungry. They guzzled another 150ml each. One twin fell asleep while his brother kept crying. I figured he had wind so I carried him on my shoulder while I walked, hoping he would burp, fart and drift off.
Five minutes later I was talking to a sales lady at the counter and she was on the phone trying to see if she could order something in time for the wedding date. All of a sudden her eyes got big and she started pointing wildly at my son on my shoulder. I glanced at him but he was sound asleep. Finally, she interrupted the person on the phone and said to me, 'Um, Miss! Your baby is leaking poop!' I looked down and saw yellow-green sludge flowing out the legs of his onesie onto my arm. It was like a volcano, it just kept flowing.
'WHERE IS THE PARENTS ROOM????' I screeched. 'It's one floor up, you'll have to take the elevator,' she told me, watching he poop fountain work it's way down my arm onto my shirt.
I ran, clutching my poop-volcano child and the bulky pram. Finally, we made it to the parents room. Thank god for parents rooms. I had to disrobe pooping twin and bathe him I the sink, there was so much shit. It was all over me. My white shirt was covered in it. The smell wasn't awful, thank god, because infant poop isn't all that smelly.
I put a diaper on him and dressed him in a spare coverall I had in my nappy bag. I was about to make a hasty dash for the car park when I decided to check his sleeping brother. On lifting the wrap that was covering his capsule, I realised things were about to get a whole lot worse. He was sitting in a pool of mustard-hued sludge. An entire packet of baby wipes and a sink bath later, I had to wrap him naked (apart from a diaper) in a blanket and sit him in the soiled capsule.
We made it out of there but not without a whole lot of stares from passersby. Moral of the story: don't double-feed babies unless you are prepared for a poo-splosion.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Wait...so why didn't the Dad offer to go with you?
1st_lurker: Dad was working to pay for the little fockers.
No shit sherlock!
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410665238 | 1410712279 | t3_2gccr1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By having a coughing fit before bed.
Last night actually. I'm laying in bed, and I got some phlegm caught in the back of my throat, so I try and cough it up. This sends me into a coughing fit, I'm coughing really hard and loud, and I can't control it. Then, as I'm pushing out one big cough, I fart really hard at the same exact time. The pain from this fart is so intense it knocks me out of my coughing fit and I'm wincing in pain. I think it was supposed to be one of those long, drawn out farts, but the spasm from my huge cough shot it out of my body in .2 seconds. After regaining my bearings, I feel the inside of my underwear to make sure it was only gas that shot out. It's dry, good, now I fall asleep.
Today I wake up with my butthole hurting. It's 10:22 PM now, and my butthole still feels incredibly bruised. I've never shoved anything up my ass before, but it feels like a coke can passed through it. It hurts to even squeeze my sphincter.
[deleted]: lmao a coke can
jova33: I should've titled this "TIFU by coughing my asshole out"
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410665721 | 1410669296 | t3_2gcdd2 | t5_2to41 | 11 | wutinwong: TIFU by not paying attention in class
This happened during Friday, but I didn't get the chance to post this since I was lazy and whatever. Anyways, I'm a senior in High School but in my Portuguese class it's filled with Sophomores. If you want to know why, it's because I went to a middle school in a different town and they didn't offer any language classes. My guidance counselor would also fuck up my schedule, so I didn't get to take a language class till Sophomore year. Blahblahblah, kids got a two year head start so I'm stuck with Sophomores. Continuing with the story, since I don't know any of the kids in the class due to the fact I don't talk to Sophomores, I tend to just do my work and procrastinate on my phone when it's groupwork time or kids are just simply talking.
Well Friday was a day where all the band kids would go to an Elementary school to play them a little concert. Every single guy but me would leave for it, so I ended up being the only guy in the class with fifteen other girls. I was really scared, since I'm very socially awkward and that was a living hell for me. I resorted to my phone to browse instagram and reddit to relieve myself.
I'm a very oblivious person, so I had no idea what was happening the entire time I was on my phone. Apparently, my teacher thought one of the girl's shirt in the class was very pretty. She thought it'd be funny to switch shirts with her. However, it obviously involve taking off the shirt in the class. She didn't mind since she thought everyone was a girl anyways. "Everyone was a girl anyways." Then she realized there was a boy in the class. That boy was me. Some dumb blonde girl made the assumption that since I was on my phone, I was ready to take a picture. The girls started laughing, because they all thought I was a pervert. Me laughing and telling them I had no idea didn't really help. Now, from that day on - I think every girl is going to think I'm a pervert for the rest of the semester. I should have just sleep in class...
cutoff_khakis: Well to be fair, your teacher is an idiot and that girl who switched shirts with her in the classroom is probably one too.
wutinwong: Well I don't know my teacher lived in Portugal for 20 years before coming here for studies and teaching...maybe it's a Portuguese thing? I don't know...I mean I was in a programming class with all boys and we all did some stupid/weird stuff.
cutoff_khakis: A teacher taking her shirt off in class is never appropriate. Regardless of the gender make up of the room.
wutinwong: Well they ended up switching shirts in the end at the bathroom, I thought it was kinda funny and I didn't really mind IF THEY DIDN'T THINK I WAS A PERVERT argggh
cutoff_khakis: Don't worry. Once you're out of high school you'll forget all about these dumb cunts and will never have to see them again. Leaving high school is only the start of the journey bro. You'll be okay.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1410666162 | 1410719968 | t3_2gcdwa | t5_2to41 | 5 | AngryJawa: TIFU by having my ex GF over and what she saw
jfb3: It's only a FU if *you* wanted her back.
AngryJawa: Well its a FU because I care about her... I dont want her back.... but I also dont like seeing her sad....
IronMochi: The mythical friend zone from a boy to a girl....
AngryJawa: Ya strage eh..... karma will bite me in the ass and Ill probably be alone for the rest of my life now.
| 5 | 1 | |
1410664440 | 1410702036 | t3_2gcbpz | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by pulling out my penis before I got into the restroom.
So I've done this for as long as I can remember, just seems more convenient for whatever reason! Never had any incidents until now!
So I came home from college for the weekend to spend some time with my parents because it was my dad's birthday! Sitting here watching my football team play with my mom while my dad is in the garage working on his man cave! Commercial break comes around so I get up and tell my mom I've gotta, "drain the main vein." So I leave the living room walking down the hallway to the restroom! The garage door happens to be directly across from the restroom door! About halfway to my destination I whip out my tallywacker and let it hang there in all it's tiny glory(I have on athletic shorts so I just reached down there and pulled it out)! A split second after I whip it out my dad comes in the garage, blocking my path and immediately sees my junk!
Dad: “Whatcha doin?”
Me: “Just headed to the restroom!”
Dad: “Alright then!” *Goes back into garage closing the door behind him*
My tic tac stayed out for the duration of that exchange! He's been in the garage since and although it's only been about an hour, I'm gonna do my best to avoid discussing it with him for as long as I can! I've never brought up all the times I've seen his dick as a kid so hopefully he'll be a bro and not bring it up, too!
Terragen: >Sitting here watching my football team play with my mom
And you didn't pull your dick out *sooner*?
[deleted]: That's funny because I go to UT! Haha
Ajsriracha: First your Dad sees your dick, and the Bruins spank you. Kinky.
[deleted]: By no means did they spank us! They were ranked 12th, the Horns aren't even ranked! We lost by 3!
Edit: Just realized the joke you were making! I like it! Sorry I'm still a little emotional from the game!
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1410668309 | 1410669400 | t3_2gcgl8 | t5_2to41 | 3 | fancypants7777: Tifu by getting my 3rd ticket as a wreck
I am male 17 years old had license for almost a year. So I got a ticket a while ago for running a stop sign. I am going to court for that one tomorrow. And then I got ticketed going 25 over 8 days ago.
And today I got in a "wreck". I was lost and was being stupid and unaware of my surroundings and ran a stop sign and almost t-boned a car do I stopped looked at my car. No damage. So I left. Worst thing I could have done. So I got pulled over later for "fleeing scene of accident".
Then they revoked my license for 4 years and gave me a 600 dollar ticket. I had "hit" a 2014 van with 3 children in it. They wouldn't let me get out of the car so I couldn't really see the other car but it didn't look like it was damaged and I certainly didn't get hit. Cause I had no damage to my car. I was fortunate to be going the speed limit though. So yeah.
Today I fucked up by getting my license revoked for 4 years and a 600 dollar ticket. So I ruined my life.
fancypants7777: Is there any way I can reduce the ticket or time of revoked license
nharding92: Maybe, call the dmv. I called the dmv customer service here and they gave me all the information I needed when there was a clerical error with one of my tickets and was a couple weeks away from having my license suspended. I ended up having to write a letter to the comissioner but everything got fixed :)
| 3 | 1 | |
1410671409 | 1410912275 | t3_2gcjxj | t5_2to41 | 593 | Throwaway4Prez2016: TIFU By making a 13 year old girl think I'm into her
Unlike most other TIFUs, this actually happened today. Hooray for accuracy!~ This will be a long post, so I'll try and give a Tl;Dr
So sort of a backstory for this that kind of ties in but kind of doesn't, I work as an usher for some theater, and during our last season we hosted a Bat Mitzvah (A jewish coming of age party held for girls for when they turn 13[And 12 for some sects of Judaism. Do you guys need to nitpick everything? Shit man, just enjoy the story], for those of you who are uneducated swine <3) for a set of twins. After the Mitzvah was over, we were in charge of giving out t-shirts to the children as they left. This one girl comes up all nonchalantly, and says hey in this 'tryinghardtosoundattractive' way, and then immediately asks me how old I am (The answer to that is 17). Thankfully a coworker of mine steps and immediately shuts her down saying "He's too old for you" and stuff. Besides the 13 year old girl walking up to the table really often, it pretty much stops there. The party is eventually over, and we go home. Needless to say, this becomes sort of a joke between my coworkers and my friends, painting as some sort of pedophile studmuffin.
My boss, glad with how well we handled this one, asks us to work for the next one as well, and we all agree. Fast forward to today.
So our shift started at 6:15pm, to allow some time for minor setup before the party actually started at 7:00pm. Of course, one of my coworkers (The same one who stepped in the last time) remembers the entire thing and teases me about it before hand. I brush it off as unlikely to happen again. So time ticks away and we eventually have to take our posts. This time around, we are just welcoming and giving directions at each gate, and rotating every half hour. First post goes by no prob. EZ PZ. Then I get to my second post, and things go smoothly there too, until about 5 minutes before switching.
These two girls hop out of some car, and start walking toward the gate. Lets recognize them by their dress colors: Red and Black. Out of my peripherals, I can see they are both kind of staring at me. I turn my head to look at them, Red and Black duck their heads, cup their hands, and start whispering/giggling some shit. I obviously can't hear anything, but I just assume it's the regular middle school gossip bull. Brush it off, whatev. Eventually, I end up in the shift inside (Where I spend the rest of my night with the deafeningly loud music, thanks coworkers), standing watch over the party and serving as a guide. I notice the same two girls always standing together, glancing at me, and walking past me to the bathroom waaaaay too often (I mean really, who has to pee like 4 times in a half hour?). Anyway, one time on her way back Black says "Hi" in a very sheepish way, and just keeps walking. Like before I could even respond, she was back in the crowd. About half an hour later, she does another dive by, although this time she stops.
"Hey" Black says
"Uh...hello" I respond (Such smoothness, wow, much manly)
"So my friend likes you..."
"Yeah?" (Smooth, so smooth)
"yeah"
And she walks away back to Red. These two go back to the bullshit of standing far away and glancing at me, but now Black is clearly trying to convince Red to come talk to me, even almost pulling her sometimes. They walk by together a few more times, and only glance at me as they pass. So another hour passes, and I almost forget about them. Im about 15 minutes from being cut, when Red and Black show up with a third friend, Blue (AWW SHIT SON SURPRISE PLAYER COMIN IN FROM THE LEFT FIELD). They park right in front of me and a brief second of silence commences. Black breaks the silence:
"So my friend likes you...Can I have your number?" She says
I begin to say *No, that wouldn't be professional* but after I say "No"
Blue interrupts with "Can I hug you?"
I say "Sure" (You fucking idiot this is so unprofessional)
Black asks again, "Can I have your number?"
And here it comes: Like a dumbass, I instinctively say yes and **actually go through with it**
So I give her my number and the three walk away in a quiet little giggle fit. (I realize and this point how bad I fucked up)
So I'm riding home when I get a text from whom I assume to be Black (And this is literally word for word): "Red wants to f u"
And now I have Red texting me.
Tl;Dr
Worked a Bat Mitzvah filled with horny teenagers, and gave my phone number to a 13 year old girl. Her friend claims she "wants to f [me]"
I know that's what a Tl;Dr is for, but please read the entire story. I put my heart into it :(
JohnyCalzone: She's a girl. A child. Not a woman. Block her number,tell her off about you're to old for her, or tell her you will make a rain check on the "f u" part in 6-7 years from now ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
PerturbedPelican: If she's 13 OP only needs to wait 5 years.
OrangeKlip: In some states, only 3 years.
UNZxMoose: He doesn't just stay 17. In three years he is 20 and she is 16. Still not that right.
[deleted]: Wait, 16 and 20 isn't right? Someone help me break this news to my boyfriend.
moustachemall: ok its not right bf let her grow some more hair on it
[deleted]: I'm 19 and he's 23 now. We've been dating for three years man if there isn't a bush now there isn't ever going to be
moustachemall: 16 and 20 is weird but 19 and 23 isnt. Maybe its just general life experiences. Im happy you've spend three years together thats pretty awesome!
arturod8: Age/2+7
moustachemall: .....Yeah that works pretty good. I wish I would have used that when I was younger my ex was legal but so immature compared to me. :'(
| 11 | 53.909091 | |
1410673180 | 1410700465 | t3_2gclk6 | t5_2to41 | 129 | pardon_the_mess: TIFU by not realizing a girl was asking me out.
I worked for a certain store in my city for a month. When I started, I met this really cute girl there.
Today was my last day, and I knew I had to ask her out now or never. She had mentioned she was planning on walking home, and I suggested I drive her, since it's not a safe walk at night. She accepted.
We're having a really good chat on the way to her place. She's talking about how much she loves to swing dance, and that the swing club she goes to is only a few steps from her house and that I should check it out sometime. Even though I'm listening, I'm devoting most of my mental energy into figuring out how to ask her out.
I dropped her off, and we exchanged numbers, but I didn't ask her out. Five minutes after I left, it hit me like a ton of bricks: "Dude, you doof! She was asking YOU out by suggesting you go to her swing dance club!"
*facepalm*
**UPDATE: So I just chatted with a female friend of mine about this. She said, "Hold on there... she was telling you she still wants you around in her life, not asking you out. Don't move so fast. So I suggested to my friend (not the cute girl) that maybe I'll just show up to the swing club unannounced and say, "Hey, I was free tonight, so I thought I'd come check this place out." Thoughts?**
Sighters: call her!
pardon_the_mess: Soon as I realized my error, I messaged her asking, "By the way, when does the swing club meet?" She responded about 25 minutes later, even though it was past midnight and she has to be up early tomorrow. Guess I'm still in?
[deleted]: Like Flynn, my man..
SamGill: Yes, he's in!
| 5 | 25.8 | |
1410676144 | 1410705603 | t3_2gcmhd | t5_2to41 | 7 | nharding92: Not slutty, just... rude.
redditration: She's been in a relationship, and engaged for a long time. Still fucks another guy on a regular basis...she's a slut.
nharding92: No, sluts sleep with a lot of people. She is just a normal girl who happens to have an ongoing affair. If it were a guy cheating on his fiance with one person ever, it would just be a stupid mistake. But it's a girl so she's a slut?
Shelookslevel18: No, regardless of gender, if you're in a monogamous relationship and you cheat you're a slut. If you're single, then you can fool around with whoever you want without slut shaming, again regardless of gender.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410675415 | 1410699982 | t3_2gcnhn | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU Today I Fucked Up.
Teotwawki69: I think people might get the joke if you'd typed Today I fucked "Up".
lord_sherlock_holmes: what's more, OP should have said DVD, not CD...
| 3 | 1 | |
1410658424 | 1410754526 | t3_2gc3we | t5_2to41 | 29 | ZaercoN: TIFU by throwing away months of work in one fell swoop of stupid.
Today was my last ACT test. I didn't get favorable results on the last attempts so I studied my ass off for months over the summer. Today was the big day. I took the English and Math sections. Then we had a break.
And I took out my phone to go on reddit... Yep, the number one rule for all standardized tests that they tell you over and over and I broke it. Someone found me and escorted me to the office and said I have to go home and my other sections won't be scored. Fuck me, I'm an idiot.
Volatilize: Well if you're gonna say you took a test, you have to also tell us what you got on it.
Or, in your case, what you got before. What do you consider 'favorable'?
Because you might not be entirely screwed if this particular test is invalidated.
ZaercoN: They said this test will not be scored, I previously got a 25. I was hoping for a 1-3 point boost.
Volatilize: That's not horrible. Was it all around 25 or is there a big difference between your highest a lowest?
What kind of college do you plan to go to?
ZaercoN: Pretty sure all around like a 24 in science maybe?
I plan on going to Art college... heh but I guess any edge I can get on these tests will help. Plus, I was doing this particular one for the writing test because I need it for some schools.
Volatilize: Pssh you'll be fine. Honestly, I took it once. Average of 26, 30 in reading, 22 in maths, and everything else was in between. I'm going for engineering. Not gonna lie, engineering usually requires more numbers than art, and I got in with a 22 and crappy transcripts. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.
ZaercoN: I'm mostly just trying to get as much of an advantage as possible because my grades aren't up to snuff and straight A's won't help much at this point.
Volatilize: Seriously, though, what kind of college is your ideal choice? Ivy League? Community? A nearby state college?
ZaercoN: Out of state private, but I'm looking at unis with good programs as well
Volatilize: Fun fun fun. I do still think you'll be ok, but if you disagree, then I wish you all the best on future tests and whatnot.
ZaercoN: Thank you! I think I will too but I want to give myself the best chance possible.
Volatilize: May you do the arts better than anyone else does arts. Make the best arts that you can. I think oil paints are kind of neat, but beyond that it's basically a different language. Whatever floats your boat, kid.
| 12 | 2.416667 | |
1410675932 | 1410682700 | t3_2gcnvu | t5_2to41 | 69 | hoodled: TIFU by smelling my friend
So I'm in class learning, I sniff the air and smell this body spray that's very familiar. I realize that it's my friend sitting right next to me. I remember it's the same body spray that my deceased grandfather used almost every day. He recently passed away, and he was my favorite relative ever. I struggled to hold in the feels, but avast I could not hold the emotions in. Then commence me randomly crying for no reason in the middle of the class.
Teotwawki69: This isn't a fuck up. It's called being human and having feels. And our sense of smell, being one of the most primitive senses we have, is very much more tied into emotions than our other senses.
Internet hug and sympathy to you.
hoodled: I consider the awkward staring at me for crying a fucked up moment. Also, I'm quite a big fat guy, so I'm generally classified as manly.
Teotwawki69: And... let all that the fuck go. You're human. You cried because something reminded you of a deceased loved one. Nothing else matters...
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1410676481 | 1410678893 | t3_2gcoar | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by messing up my relationship
Seeucme: At least you're not in limbo wondering if you are in the friendzone. Because , "fuck that". You're college my friend enjoy the shit out of it. I'm pretty sure she's not the only girl there.
mrmellowfellow: I dropped from highschool, i met her the week before it. Im 16, its gonna be hella hard for a shy guy like me to find a nice girl my age.
So yeah, shes a freshman of highschool, I think our relationship wouldve went smoother but my work schedule did not work with her fucking fathers demands, he did not want us going on on school days and nothing past 5, so i had only been able to go out on the weekends but i work from 9am-4pm, so i basically had no way to even see my GF. I really fucking hate him, but im the one to blame for dropping highschool.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410677623 | 1410706768 | t3_2gcp71 | t5_2to41 | 70 | britfaic: TIFU by being honest with a girl.
Background: I'm a fairly lonely guy, and I wanted to make a few friends, so I joined a social media group, and started talking to this random girl. And we hit it off, we have a lot in common, but shes seeing someone. Fast forward to today, I ask her If I can be honest. She says sure, of course you can. I tell her that I think shes awesome, and I would date her if I could, but I am perfectly okay with being her friend. The very next thing I see is her blocking me. Ugh, Today I fucked up.
Edit 1: Well, Finally talked to her, and you guys were right, she felt uncomfortable. I'm not sure if she's willing to repair the friendship, but at least I have some closure now.
Edit 2: nope, that friendship is over, and threatened to call the police If I talked to her again. I may have dodged a bullet here
jontarist: When it comes to guys talking to girls online, there's a very fine line between being interpreted as "weird" or "not weird. Don't feel bad, because 99% of guys cross that weird line many, many MANY times.
I recommend talking to lots of girls online and getting a sense of where that "weird" line is. Of course all girls are different, but you generally get better at avoiding it with practice.
Here's some rules I've learned to go by that made a huge difference -
1) Never compliment a girl on her looks. Don't say anything about her physical appearance. They're used to all guys doing this and you instantly stand out if you don't. In a good way.
2) Don't talk about "dating" or anything to do with a relationship. When you said "I would date you if I could", that was crossing the weird line, sorry to say. Although, if the girl brings it up, then it's ok. Just don't sound overly enthusiastic about it., the key is being non-chalant.
3) Don't talk about being depressed or sad about anything. Girls talk about liking "sensitive" guys, but what they really mean is sensitive to THEIR stuff, as in, you'll talk about what they wanna talk about. They don't care if you're upset about something and if you whine about it, you come off as a panzy ass, and cross that "weird line" in their eyes.
Some of this may sound unfair, yes...but I speak the truth. Just trying to help. Good luck!
Sivalion: What an awesome friendship to develop. Can't talk about myself or my feelings (regarding anything)? Really?
This just sounds like something out of a bad movie.. "girls only want to talk about themselves", such absolute horseshit. This is called being self-centered and doesn't just apply to girls. You don't want a relationship (or friendship) with a **person** like this anyways. Unless you're into that sort of thing, of course.
The only thing I agree with is talking about dating her, saying what OP said is a little off. But, if you've known the person for a while and you think there's a connection (and if she's available), bring it up in a proper manner. And to an extent, the mentioning looks.. dont go off on a rampage telling her how amazingly good looking she is everytime you see her or something. That's just weird.
Girls aren't aliens or unicorns. They're humans, treat them as such.
jontarist: Sorry I forgot to specify, but what I said was more in regard to meeting girls. When you've known one for a while and have a rapport developed, then of course you should let your guard down some and be more genuine with them. But it's still a good idea to know that the things I mentioned are what commonly sets off the "weirdo detector".
The fact is that women meet weirdos all the time and most will just cut a guy off at the drop of a hat at the first sign of making them uncomfortable in the slightest. If a guy wants to keep the communication going, he's gotta pull the reigns back some on the weirdness at the beginning.
Also, I'm not claiming that every girl is the same. Some will find little things to be weird that you can't possibly predict. Some will have a very high threshold for weird behavior (usually unattractive ones or otherwise low self esteem, sad but true). This is just a guideline to help someone out who's having a problem with being interpreted as weird...and a LOT of guys have this problem.
And not to be disrespectful, but girls are often full of shit when they say something is "ok" or "not ok", then totally go against what they said. These are guidelines that I've personally used for years talking to hundreds, or probably more like thousands of girls online. And I've noticed a SIGNIFICANT improvement over how many girls just suddenly stop talking because I weirded them out in some way or another.
When I first started talking to girls online nobody wanted to talk to me. Nowadays it practically never happens that I weird anyone out, I can't even remember the last time I scared someone off.
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1410664239 | 1410713404 | t3_2gcbhp | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by clogging the toilet
This is a recent story, happened a few months back in March.
So I went with my mom to visit my mother's aunt, she is in her 80's and she was going to be alone for a whole week, so we decided to go help her out during that week. She lives in a very small apartment with only one room, my mother and her slept in her room.
I of course got the best place to sleep, the couch with a huge TV in the living room, let me also say that the living room is also the kitchen so I'd say I got the best deal out of everyone there, sleeping in a couch, huge TV, fridge right next to the couch.
Anyway I'm going off track here sorry. One day late at night I was watching a show on the tv and I had a feeling, the feeling of my bowel movement, I had to crap ASAP, I jump out of the couch/bed go straight to the bathroomand let the explosion happen, I drop this huge brown guy and I finally finish the job, I clean up and look at the toilet, and IT IS HUGE, there's no way the toilet can eat up all that shit and toilet paper, nevertheless it is 4 a.m. and I had decided to give it a try, I flush it...
The toilet got clogged. Shit, I start panicking I already flushed it once and it made a huge noise I'm sure if I keep doing this they will wake up scared and wondering who keeps playing with the toilet at such a late hour. Regardless I flush it again in hopes of defeating this evildoer who is fighting to stay on the toilet, the toilet again screams in agony as it makes a huge noise spreading throughout the apartment as the water rushes through the pipes and into the toilet and to make matters worse the water is not going down anymore, I can't flush it anymore or it'll overflow. I curse the damn small toilet and look for a plunger or anything that can help me win this war. Nothing, there are no weapons to be found, and after almost an 1 in the bathroom smelling my own feces thinking desperatly how to solve this I give up. There is just no solution. I go back to the living room and have an idea, I'll just set up my alarm clock to a very early time like 6 or 7 a.m. and try to solve it once again, if I fail I can just secretly go get my mother without waking my grandma/aunt. Genius plan I think as start falling asleep in the couch. The next thing I remember as my consciousness is coming back is hearing two faint distressed voices talking to each other, but wait my alarm didn't go off, in a panic realising something must've gone terribly wrong with my master plan I race for my phone and check the time, it is 5:47 a.m. It is then I realise the flaws in my plan, I didn't think anyone would wake up and use the bathroom during the middle of the night, my mother then realises I am awake and asks me to have a talk with her.
Apparently my grandma (I'll just call her grandma since I have no idea what she is supposed to be, I only know she's my mother's aunt), had to take her medication at 5:30, and she went to the bathroom since it's closer than the kitchen and it wouldn't wake me up by coming into the living room, and since she was already there she decided to pee aswell, turns out she didn't notice the toilet was clogged since the poop and paper were stuck under the toilet all that could be seen was water, but even that she didn't see because she has bad eye sight already. So she did what every normal person would do, she flushed.
It is only normal that it would overflow, fortunatly only water came out, but in a panic she dived her hand in the ocean of filth and started pulling everything that was stopping the river from flowing, all that paper and poop in hopes for the water to stop invading our bathroom, she suceeded but she wasn't the same afterwards...
I apologized as much as I could and promised to do everything I could to repay her and help her for as long as she wished, she only asked for me not to stay at her house again.
Tl;dr I clogged the toilet at the middle of the night, couldn't fix it, went to sleep, grandma woke up and flushed, it overflowed and in a panic she dove her hand and unclogged it.
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: If she's your mother's aunt, that would be your great aunt.
Insoel: Thanks for clarifying =)
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: You're welcome (:
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1410683838 | 1410840312 | t3_2gctky | t5_2to41 | 13 | buprenorFiend_: TIFU by kissing my best friend's girlfriend
I never in a million years thought I would be in this predicament but here I am. So my best friend's girlfriend is really attractive and we've always gotten along really well. He's been with her a year but today she found out he cheated on her a few months ago. I ended up going out with her and some mutual friens after we got off work (we all work together) and we got pretty drunk. I'm outside smoking a cig and next thing I know she walks up to me, grabs me, and starts making out with me. I've always kind of had a crush on her so i kiss her back. Then I realize what I'm doing and push her away and tell her we can't do this. Well she keeps saying it's okay because her bf cheated on her but I still feel like it's fucked up. Anyway I keep vocalizing my doubts but she keeps kissing me and I keep giving in. Now I'm at home and feel like shit for what I've done. I know how fucked up it is but I can't stop thinking about how badly I want her..I also have to see my best friend/her bf tomorrow and don't know what I should do
[deleted]: Have they broken up though? If they have, usually its fair game. Like with my best friend, we both agreed that its cool to date each other's exes.
C3H7COOH: Im curious about this. Is this an agreement still simply a theory or have you actually put this in practice? I only ask because id expect a little emotional vulnerability post break up. They aren't even broken up. In the case of cheating most break ups are immediate. If they want to work it out however difficult that might be to understand they should be allowed to do so without OP interfering. Sounds to me OP is villianizing his love interest bf (i won't call OP and him friends because along with talking shit about him to strangers he kissed his girlfriend). Some friend you are man. You are no better than him. Plus hate to tell you this but she isn't into you. She wants to hurt him the same way she felt he hurt her....by fooling around with someone she believe is close to him.....you. why dont you cool your jets tell your him what happen face to face and wait for things to settle down. If she truly wants to be with you today she'll want to be with you 3 months from now.
[deleted]: It's is just a theory, but I'd still choose not to date his ex. I wouldn't mind if he dates my ex, I mean who am I to stop my friend from having feelings for a girl I don't have feelings for anymore? But for me, I'd imagine it to be awkward if I were to date his ex.
C3H7COOH: You're assuming the break up was by your choice or design at the very least mutual. That said I imagine if your gf broke up with you out of the blue. Then weeks later was dating your friend you'd question both their loyalty. Did he undermine your relationship the entire time? Doubt can break up any relationship platonic or romantic faster than anything ive seen. My advice the whole not dating your friends ex are good guidelines to follow. Sometimes the girl is worth the friendship. But for the most part immediate bedding of your friends ex is a bad idea
[deleted]: Well, everything was under the assumption that the breakup was upon mutual agreement between both parties that we weren't right for each other. Obviously, if it were for any other reason, dating one another's ex is highly not advised, nor will my friend nor I will even try. I know how much damage can break up any relationship, be it with an SO or a friend. I've been down that road, and it nearly killed me.
Despite the agreement, I still value my friends over a potential SO. Friends will be there in your life 30-50 years down the road. An SO is a gamble, for a lack of a better word.
C3H7COOH: So basically we concluded you in fact dont have a standing agreement with your friend that makes it okay to date each others ex's. Or at the very least is so convoluted and restrictive that it is impractical to apply it in real life. Im just saying.....
[deleted]: I don't see how its restrictive. The agreement is that we're allowed to date each other's exes. However, if the break up was due to cheating etc (ie the bad kind of break ups), we both would choose not to date that ex. And in my case, personally, I wouldn't date his ex regardless.
How is this convoluted??
C3H7COOH: Ill just wait for you respond back with proper imperial feedback after you have applied your Marxist woman Sharing ideology to practice.
BadSpellingAdvice: It's empirial. But on a real note. I'm now dating my best friend's ex. They had a rather tame break up where they both realized they weren't interested in each other any more and were just keeping the relationship going because they didn't want to hurt the other.
We started hanging out just as friends 6 months or so after they broke up, watching TV shows, going to the library. Then we both realized we wanted to start dating. I just told my friend that we started dating, and he was fine with it.
C3H7COOH: Well again if you put it in the context I said OP was wanting to pursue something immediate with said girl. 6 month is enough time to really explore a relationship. I was aware of the spelling btw my phone auto-correct seems to think it knows better.
BadSpellingAdvice: Fair enough. Just giving my 2 cents. Was more commenting on the practice of dating an ex, not so much about the time. Being open about the fact that a relationship has started tends to be better than just starting it and hoping no one cares.
| 12 | 1.083333 | |
1410684020 | 1410802174 | t3_2gctpv | t5_2to41 | 97 | Sinom: TIFU travelling 10 hours to surprise my girlfriend
My partner and I live in different countries, approximately 800km away from each other and we decided to give the long distance relationship a go.
We haven't seen each other for about 2 months but we spoke most days via phone call or messaging each other. We both work in really busy restaurants and as it is the 'season' there hasn't been an opportunity to see one another.
I took it upon myself to drive the 10 hour drive on wednesday to surprise her after she finished work, which I did, she couldn't believe I was there.
She then broke up with me.
ImissMyBtc: Happened to my friend too. The only difference is that she was dating another guy locally.
Sinom: Yeah, luckily that wasn't the case here. I would hate her for that.
Red_Letter_Day: Are you sure...?
[deleted]: Dude, don't be a dick. They have broken up, no need to try and make it worse.
Red_Letter_Day: Can't really gain life experience from an experience you're not willing to look at.
No one is being a dick.
[deleted]: What are you on about? He already said she wasn't cheating and you're trying to put doubt into his mind for no reason. You don't know either of them. By saying that you may be putting doubt into his mind and potentially making him paranoid for future relationships, for no reason.
Red_Letter_Day: Unless, you know, it makes sense. He doesn't know whether or not she cheated. It's a worthwhile topic of discussion.
[deleted]: Too many commas in that first sentence.
He does know whether she cheated or not because, and I quote, "Yeah, luckily that wasn't the case here".
How is it a topic of worthwhile discussion? Stop being a dick, leave the poor fella alone and stop trying to make an already bad situation for him, worse.
Red_Letter_Day: Stop being a naive asshole fighting battles no one is asking you to.
>and I quote, "Yeah, luckily that wasn't the case here".
Idiot; do I have to explain the difference between thinking something and knowing it?
[deleted]: I'm not being naive at all. Not every relationship ends through cheating. I am fighting my own battle, against some prick who is trying to cause problems for no reason. Stop commenting on a relationship you have not got the first clue about. The fact you're being downvoted show you're in the minority.
Nope, no need to explain. Although I think you may need to look up the definitions.
Red_Letter_Day: I'm not causing problems for no reason. I'm just not willing to ignore huge red flags, like you are doing and jump onto some poor, emotionally wrought schlub's take on things.
You are believing a bunch of shit at face value and seeing things as you'd want to see them.
It doesn't speak to intelligent or life experience. And now you're being a condescending, pretentious idiot to boot.
Feel free to stop.
[deleted]: You are. What red flags?! They live apart, in different cities and growing apart and the relationship ended. In OP's own words, the LDR suited him as he had his own friends and own life, that doesn't sound like either of them are invested that much in the relationship.
You clearly have some kind of chip on your shoulder. Just because some girls cheat, just like some men do, doesn't mean she did.
I am taking the word of the only person in this thread who knows the girl and was in the relationship. Not some guy who is bitter and twisted and wants to make everyone feel the same.
I don't need to explain my life experience or intelligence (I assume that was what you meant as the sentence was poorly constructed), but I do know that one bad experience does not mean everyone is then tared with the same brush.
Red_Letter_Day: You conveniently leave out the part where he surprises her and she immediately dumps him. And the part where other people who went through the same chain of events tell the OP he was likely cheated on.
>Just because some girls cheat, just like some men do, doesn't mean she did.
Well, shucks it's a good thing this argument isn't resting on the fact that because some girls cheat, she will have cheated.
>I am taking the word of the only person in this thread who knows the girl and was in the relationship.
You're taking the word from someone who admits to lacking information, is confused and hurt.
God forbid we let people with life experience weigh in.
>I don't need to explain my life experience or intelligence
I will explain it. You severely lack both.
[deleted]: No, I didn't leave that out, I just explained the reasoning for why she broke up with him when he turned up.
"She will have cheated". What a stupid comment, you have NO idea whether she cheated or not.
I bet I can find the same number of people who have gone through that situation without being cheated on. AND just because others have, does not mean this girl has. Why should you decide what someone you do not know has or hasn't done? Lets let the guy you knows her, the situation and how they broke up give his explanation of the situation, shall we?
Oh, that burn. You're right, person who has never met me and only replied to a couple of my comments on the internet, I have no intelligence and life experience. You know me show so well, it is like you touched my soul with that comment.
Red_Letter_Day: >AND just because others have, does not mean this girl has
Do you really need to be informed of the mechanics of induction and inference?
I can tell so far from your arguments and your quick descent into sarcasm that you are young and stupid. Or perhaps just stupid.
I'm making what adults call a "likely inference". Feel free to look that up and reply when you're mature enough to handle things like life.
[deleted]: Nope, don't need to be informed about those, but thank you for the offer.
You do realise that each situation is different? That there are many variables in a situation which will lead to a different outcome? You do not know all the variables in this situation. She may have liked the idea of a LD boyfriend, as she gets to have her own life without the worry of being single and have a reason for turning away guys hitting on her. Plus being able to see her boyfriend whenever she wanted to, the fact they hadn't seen each other for 2 months suggests this. OP turning up like he did may have reminded her that she doesn't want to be in this relationship and saw him as more of hindrance to her having a good time that weekend than being excited at seeing him. Which is a perfectly reasonable reaction to the situation.
My decent into sarcasm is due to my efforts to refrain for getting into a personal argument. The fact that you are "losing" the argument has resulted in you calling me stupid, immature etc, which is fairly ironic, so I am rising above it and not engaging you.
Red_Letter_Day: > she doesn't want to be in this relationship and saw him as more of hindrance to her having a good time that weekend
Mhm. How could she be cheating on him? Literally unfathomable.
[deleted]: How? Wow, all this time you're talking about cheating and you don't know how it happens. I think that might be something your mum and dad should be explaining to you.
It is possible to have a good time without banging everything you see. I, and many people, are able to do it. Both in and out of relationships.
| 19 | 5.105263 | |
1410684677 | 1410685413 | t3_2gcu6v | t5_2to41 | 5 | Pizzafacecunt: TIFU by buying a stranger subway
So I was at subway, making my sub and all, carefully concentrating on what I wanted to put in it (shits hard to decide sometimes). I get the end, pay and this is where I fucked up, I wasn't really paying attention as I was paying (eftpos), was looking over at my mate seeing what he was getting in his sub.
After my mate pays, we sit down and start eating, and as we were about halfway through, a guy starts to exit, but before he does so, he put a hand on my shoulder and said "thanks for the meal", and left. I was confused, I had thought he mistook me for a worker on lunch break or something. After we had done eating, I pulled the reciet out from my pocket and noticed I had payed $22. I was shocked, how did my sub cost that much?! This is where It all linked up, my sub should of costed $12 (I got bacon which was a extra $2, and a normal sub without bacon would of been $10 (as was my mates).
I started thinking, wait, how did this even happen? Did he seriously tell the register person something like "he's paying for my meal" as I was looking the other way? I went and asked the register but they said they couldnt really remember what had happend (only been like 20 mins or so but I guess there was quite a bit of people who got subs before and after me).
TLDR; Always pay attention when paying for shit via eftpos.
darth_hotdog: Sounds like the subway's fault, and you should have asked them to refund the difference.
Either that or accept that you accidentally did something nice for a stranger somehow and be happy about it.
Now I want subway...
Pizzafacecunt: Yeah I asked but they said someone has to pay for it, and if that guy didn't then it's my fault :(
That's my good deed for... the year.
darth_hotdog: You could have fought that, said "Well you have to then, I never agreed to." Or you could still refute the charge with the credit card company.
If you don't want to keep it as charity that is.
Pizzafacecunt: Yeah I guess, but was kind of shy and didn't want to get mad over it and go off at the workers, just sucked it up and laughed about it really haha.
| 5 | 1 | |
1410685153 | 1410687954 | t3_2gcui3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | ima-ginger16: TIFU by asking the girl I like about her life
[deleted]: What the fuck is hardcore cuddling?
Anyway, that sucks bro but it is not a TIFU.
ima-ginger16: so my real fuck up is posting to this subredit? can that count as a TIFU????
| 3 | 1 | |
1410687173 | 1410729978 | t3_2gcw7k | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by deleting my porn archive
pentag0: I never understood stockpiling porn. I mean, theres quick selfhelp like redtube, youporn, whatever.. wtf dude?
Sivalion: For when the internet goes down.
Also it's just easier to access..
pentag0: Easier than hiting a bookmark?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410684574 | 1410716558 | t3_2gcu3s | t5_2to41 | 13 | ArtOfTheKnight: TIFU By Fucking Up More Than Once With Puerto Rican Sisters
With Halloween fastly approaching, I figured I would share with you all my biggest fuck up to date.
Last year I went to Universal's Halloween Horror Nights with a large group of about 20 people. The group I was with had more guys than it did girls and most of us being around the 17-19 age range had decided that we would attempt getting girls into our group.
Here's the thing about the crowd, they like to talk, but that's all. The night mainly consisted of these guys just exclaiming, "Look, there's a chick there! Let's go!" But not one person approached anyone.
As we approached midnight, a portion of our group had left, and those who had stayed were with us entering the 1 hour long wait line for Transformers: The Ride. My brother and I were ahead of our group and in front of us stood two beautiful, amazing women. The guys from behind were excited once more that they were uncontrollably giggling to themselves and encouraging me from behind to talk with them.
"It's all you!"
"If you don't talk, I will!"
Now here's the thing, when it comes to me, I can be either incredibly shy or very much confident. There's never an in between.
I got annoyed and told the guys behind me to shut the hell up already. Anyway, we got onto the ride, and afterward decided to head down to the backlot where another two mazes were held. In order to reach the backlot, you need to sit inside a bus which takes you to a small distance from the mazes. As we stood in line with our group, we noticed that the two girls were in line with us as well. When it was time to enter the bus, our group was so large that it took up an entire row, and I was forced to sit a row ahead of them. As I took my seat, the two girls took the seats next to me. I immidiately began hearing the group from behind whisper things as one started poking me from behind. I just sat there calmly until we reached our destination.
Once we came down to the backlot, we noticed it was smokey and set up to be creepy prior to reaching the maze lines. I was walking ahead of the group and the two girls were behind me. That's where my opening occurred. An employee dressed as a zombie jumped out and screamed and more Horror Nights actors began appearing and attempting to frighten people, and the first two people to get scared were the girls! They both jumped forward from behind and grabbed onto me as one tried hiding her face. She began apologizing as I began laughing and told her it's alright and we started talking from there.
I asked for their names and asked if they were alone, and once they answered, I asked if they'd like to join our group and they happily agreed. I turned around and introduced them to the group and all the guys with happy smirks began introducing themselves. We went into the line for the Walking Dead maze which took us a little over an hour to reach the entrance of the maze. But during the entirety of the wait, my brother and I were talking with these girls, whom we found out were Puerto Rican sisters, both in their 20's, and on vacation here just for the event. We continued talking and cracking jokes and having them cover behind me and in my arms throughout the two mazes, while the others stayed back and said no words whatsoever.
It was now 3 AM and the park was closing as it started to rain. We left the park and the girls asked how they can get a cab to go back to their hotel since their phones had died. Me being the nice guy I am, offered to drive them to where they were staying. That's when the group began interfering and offering rides to which the girls rejected and accepted from us.
FUCK UP #1: As we entered the parking structure and reached the car, the first fuck up occurred. My brother being the teenage weasel that he is, without thinking of the possibilities of the night, opened the door to the passenger seat and sat down. In my head, I believed this to be impossible. One would figure that if you're having two sisters in your car at 3 AM, one would sit next to the driver and the other in the back with the other male passenger and that's where the night would've truly begun....apparently my brother had not thought of that.
We continued talking all through the drive until we reached their hotel in Burbank, the time being around 3:45 AM.
FUCK UP #2 & 3: As we reached their hotel and entered the driveway, I drove to the front doors and put the car on park. I don't know how I had lost my realization of the situation and I simply said, "Well, here we are." Rather than parking my car and using some line such as, "Allow us to walk you to the door" or some shit, I instead asked for one of the sisters' phone number. At this point, I had fucked up one too many times to the point where they had realized that too. She gave me a number, which turned out to be fake. I didn't check on the spot when she gave it and that's where I knew I had fucked up. They left the car and wished us a goodnight and thanked us for everything and headed towards the door. With disappointment on our faces, my brother and I looked to each other realizing that we had probably just let all of the male population in the world down, as I turned on the car and began heading home.
On our drive back we also got pulled over for speeding. The cop was female and asked the basic questions to which I honestly replied. I hadn't realized I was speeding given I was still thinking of the god awful turn of events which happened. I told the officer the story and I assume she realized that I had fucked up, and perhaps in sorrow, she gave us a warning to drive safe and head home. Two minors going 20+ over speed limit at 4 AM and getting pulled over by a female officer which leaves them with a warning, who's heard of such a thing?
Once we reached home, we noticed our parents were still up and waiting for us. We ended up telling them everything that had happened and I will never forget my dads reaction. He leaned forward from the couch, looked up at me, dead between the eyes and said, "You fucking idiot! You weren't supposed to come home tonight!", as he began laughing hysterically at me. To this day he still laughs and calls me an idiot when the story comes up in conversation...
TL; DR met Puerto Rican sisters at Horror Nights, spent the time at the event with them, drove them to their hotel at 3 AM and didn't get laid.
[deleted]: This reminds me of a TIFU that I had some years ago. I went to my friends house for the weekend (Mobile Bay, AL) thinking that we were gonna do guy stuff and chill. Instead, his gf came over and he spent nearly every minute in bed with her. I decided that I wanted to go grab some grub, so I borrowed his car and headed out. After finally picking up something to eat I noticed an attractive gal standing outside the joint and screwed up the courage to talk to her.
I asked her if she wanted to hang out and she said yes. I asked her what she would like to do and she told me she had a hotel room nearby. What's this? I am going to get lucky...yeeeaaaahhh! When we arrived in her room she asked me what I liked. I was confused. This all seemed a bit too business-like, but my little head took control. She asked me if I had any money and I became somewhat uneasy as I had never been with a prostitute. Apparently, she took my silence as assent to the transaction and said "are you ready" kinda loud. Next thing I know three police officers burst in the room and arrested me for solicitation of prostitution. I was very fortunate that they ended up believing me and let me go. Moral of the story? Don't talk to strange women at 4 in the morning!
ArtOfTheKnight: Hahaha oh man, at least you got off the hook there. I think it's a bit different given the event is a nighttime event and people do go ik groups usually. Plus, I don't think someone would attempt prostitution in a heavily guarded area. My issue was that I just didn't pay very close attention to all the signs in the end.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410687164 | 1410895241 | t3_2gcw77 | t5_2to41 | 11 | hilly_wa: TIFU by getting my nipple ring caught in my loofah. possibly NSFL
Surprise surprise, this actually happened years ago. Seven years ago.
A little back story, when I was 14 my cousin made me get my nipple pierced as a birthday present for herself. My cousin loves making me do things I don't really want to because she's evil and likes to make me suffer. Which is why this was a gift to herself. Why didn't I fight back and say no? There's no arguing with her. Ever. And as I'm sure people will ask, how did I manage to get my nipple pierced at such a young age? Her mom payed for it and since we have the same last name she just said she was my mom. Also, what kind of place agrees to pierce an underage girl's nipple? The kind that is set up in a swapmeet. Yeah.
Anyway, I got it pierced and it actually didn't hurt. At all, for an hour, then the 3 month healing period started and that was a bitch. But I loved it. My god did I love this thing. I took care of it too. I cleaned it regularly, I had many rings for it, and I loved showing it off. Especially because I was so not the kind of person you'd expect to have a nipple piercing. I was that girl that sat in back of class reading books the entire time and never talked to anyone. I loved this thing so much sometimes my friends would catch me pulling the neck of my shirt open so I could admire it.
Onto to the sad part. Three years later. I was showering. I was scrubbing my chest rather vigorously with my loofah because I used to get horrible acne there if I didn't exfoliate often. I swiped across my chest and my nipple ring got caught in the loofah. Now, I wasn't wearing a regular doorknocker that day. I was wearing an eyebrow ring with cones instead of balls, why? Because it looked cute. Like a little devil. Well, I yanked that loofah. I yanked it hard. And I felt pain. True pain. Pain starting from my nipple and spreading to my armpits then my navel. It felt like hitting your funny bone. Multiplied by a million. I fainted in the fucking shower. Remember, when I got it pierced, it didn't hurt? But this. Oh. My. GOD. I still haven't felt anything that painful ever since and I kicked a sea urchin once.
Well, when I came to, I looked down at my nipple expecting the worst. But it was totally fine! It was tender, but it was fine. Or so I thought.
Two weeks later I was changing the ring and I noticed the skin around it looked dry and little scaly and swollen and it looked crooked. So I picked some of the skin near the inside of the piercing, and I had to tug at it. At first nothing. But a few tugs and it tore a little! and pus came pouring out! At this point I thought I might loose my nipple. I love my nipple you guys. I almost cried. But I didn't. Instead I took my boob in one hand and with the other hand I pinched my nipple and squeezed. And so much puss. And then blood. And then nothing. And then the tears finally came.
I never put the ring back in. My nipple has two scars now. It still makes me sad. Especially because one scar is lower than the other. I have a crooked nipple piercing scar.
tl;dr
I got my fabulous nipple ring caught in my loofah while vigorously exfoliating my chest, it tore and got infected and I never put the ring back and I still miss it.
thinkstuffz: Something similar happened to me. I am one of those people that liked to be naked whenever I can, and I decided one morning a few years back to change my sheets while I was nude. I used to have two nipple piercings. I was putting on the fitted sheet and somehow got it caught on my left nipple barbell. Not realizing, I pulled vigorously because this particular sheet was very tight fitting. Intense pain. I look down and see a very small amount of blood but went to the bathroom to give it a saltwater soak since it didn't look too bad.
Fast forward a few weeks and I have an explosive fight with my mother. I proceeded to go downstairs and write an angry facebook message to a friend and called her some mean names. Left laptop open. Mom goes to grab something in the basement, sees open laptop and furious capslock and reads my message. At this point I'm in the shower noticing a little red line going from my nipple to my armpit and some tenderness. Shit. My tit is infected. As I'm examining it, mom bursts in and starts to yell at me about the message I wrote. She goes upstairs in a huff and I'm still contemplating the cellulitis of my left breast.
I walk upstairs after getting out of the shower and dressing and explain to my still irate mother that I need to go to the emergency room. Queue freak out and me calming her down. Before we leave, she tells me I have to tell my father. Shit.
My dad is a god fearing Catholic extremely conservative man. This was horrifically awkward. I told him, and he just stared at me, finally saying after what felt like forever "thinkstuffz, why the hell would you do that to yourself?"
Pause.
"You don't have the other one done do you?!?!?"
Replied "nope!" And proceeded to drive to the hospital with my very irate mother.
hilly_wa: Omg. What happened at the hospital? How bad was it?
My mom is a Jehovah's Witness so I know about conservative parents.
thinkstuffz: The infection was initially very startling to the ER doctor, but he examined it more thoroughly and decided I didn't need to sit with an IV of antibiotics for a while. Just get a good few weeks of strong antibiotics. As for my dad, he just was confused, but he loves me regardless. Just more funny because he was like what the helllll are you doing?
hilly_wa: That's good. Ugh. I don't even want to think about what my mom would have done if my infection had gotten that bad. Yeah, when I was stretching my ears I got caught in a hanger and it almost tore in half and my mom said, that's what you get for putting holes all over your body. No sympathy.
thinkstuffz: My mom just told me to have my right one be my last one.
And that sounds HORRIFIC.
hilly_wa: Still not as bad as the loofah. I stopped stretching my lobes though, and my ear is still sensitive to heavy earrings.
thinkstuffz: Nipples are generally more sensitive, so it makes sense... But ahg...
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1410688968 | 1410720033 | t3_2gcxjw | t5_2to41 | 4 | jelmund: TIFU by taking a shit in my friend's fridge
So this happened a few months ago.
I was staying at a friends(lets say Jason) house for the night(he is living there with his girlfriend, an important not since I took a shit in their fridge).
So all is well as we eat some dinner, have a drink and talk.
As we had made plans to go out that night, we went to a local club around 11 PM.
Now I already felt a bit tipsy at this point because we already drank a few beers, but nothing prepared for the kind of shit-face drunk I got after we got few to much shots of tequila. And of course, we kept drinking beer the whole night
So fast forward to the end of the evening, we found ourselves stumbling home, smoked a joint(don't ask me why), and went to bed.
The next morning I wake up(yes, bad hangover), get to the toilet to take a piss, get some coffee, and proceed to make some breakfast.
All seems normal, nothing special has happened right?
As I sit on the sofa watching some TV or whatever Jason joins me and we talk a little about all the stupid stuff we did at the club the night before(you know the drill).
At some point Jason walks to the kitchen to get some more coffee, after 2 minutes hear him shout "What the fuck!?".
Several seconds later he comes back with one of those plastic drawers we all have in our fridge, only this one was filled with a MASSIVE turd.
The thing was a fucking monster, I have never seen a longer, fatter turd produced by a human being in my life.
Now we start asking ourselves questions like who the fuck could have done this? We both didn't suspect each other because we had been talking so natural the moment before, but slowly some memories start leaking from my, still hammered, brain. Like a dream of some kind I start remembering how I needed to take a shit and got up at, lets say 5 in the morning, unable to open the door to the toilet(their toilet has 2 doors, and its never really clear which one is locked when you want to enter)
So... I(in my truly most fucked up state i have ever been in) got to the first door, and as you guessed it, I couldn't open it.
Apparently my drunk brain thought the best option to go with then obviously is, taking a shit in the fridge.
While remembering all this, my friend kept talking to me and kept asking me stuff. I had to stay focused to not wander off in my own thoughts of how I took a shit in their fridge again.
The funny thing is that we left the front door open that night, so we actually discussed the possibility of a random person entering the house, taking a shit in the fridge, and leaving.
I think they still didn't figure it out... at least, i like to think so.
So folks, please learn from my mistakes.
I hope you had a good read.
TL;DR:
Stayed over at a friend's house, we got way to drunk and I took a shit in their fridge(living there with his girlfriend).
Steenbo: I never understood how people can do this. I've been super fucked up before many times, and I always knew that the toilet was the toilet and the fridge was the fridge.
jelmund: Yeah well keep that i had just woken up, combined with the alcohol and weed x)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410689310 | 1410693545 | t3_2gcxsg | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to outsmart some girl on the train
I live in the suburbs of Melbourne and I was in the CBD on Friday. I was at Flagstaff Station, waiting for my train to arrive to go home. I don't go into the city often, but I was there on a school excursion. When I do go into the city, I like to take photos of the buildings, streets, trams, trains, and other interesting sights. I was taking a few photos of the station while I waited (although you're actually not allowed to). That station in particular is virtually empty during off-peak hours (when I was there), so I had a bit of freedom to move around. I left the platform to photograph the escalators and such, and eventually returned at the other end of the platform to where I was before. I honestly wish I had've stayed where I was, in hindsight.
My train arrived, so I grabbed my stuff and stood up. A carriage aligned to where I was with two really cute girls at my end. One of them looked at me and smiled. I should note that I haven't had a girlfriend before, and I don't see myself as that attractive. I suppose my next action stemmed from my primary school instincts of talking to girls. I smiled back at the girl, and then walked to the other end of the carriage and boarded it. The thought went through my head that they were betting on whether I would pathetically board the train there to try and have a shot with them, so I felt like I was beating them at their own game by not doing that. It wasn't until I sat down on the train that I realised how fucking retarded that is, and how stupid I was to think they would actually do that. I missed a chance with a girl who was probably genuinely nice because of some childish bullshit I'd made up in my head. I've never really had a girl talk/signal to me, and I'm a pretty nerdy kid, so I guess my instincts assumed I was being teased.
I thought long and hard about my life on the trip home. The girls got off the train at Box Hill. I think I saw the girl look back in my direction, but I looked the other way to avoid any awkward embarrassment. Fucking hell.
TL;DR: A really cute girl smiled at me when I was about to board the train, so I assumed the worst and tried to be passive aggressive.
Edit: spelling and added line breaks
imacyber: It's alright man, everyone's done this one. Take it as a learning experience and you'll do much better next time :)
CaptainPlanks: This.
| 3 | 7 | |
1410689688 | 1410789719 | t3_2gcy1z | t5_2to41 | 98 | imacyber: TIFU by showing a stranger my you-know-what
A few months ago; at the girlfriends house, Valentines day. GF lives with her Dad, who is out for the night.
We put a movie on, things get exciting, we give it a go in the living room.
Things are going well, and then there's a knock at the door. (forgot we ordered pizza) (GF lives in small apartment; front door opens into living room) I answer while GF hides from creepy pizza dude. I'm butt naked, rock solid and completely shameless as I take pizzas. Creepy pizza guy laughs, shaking head as he leaves. I close the door, placing pizzas on the table. GF re-emerges, I spontaneously break into the doodle dance.
Shrill voice comes from across the hall, "DO YOU MIND?!". I look up to find front door didn't close properly, has swung wide open exposing me and my dance of glory to the lady cooking her dinner across the hallway (she's got her door open to ventilate). I crumple into a quivering ball of hysteria while GF rushes to shut door, whispering "she's a cop! I'm never going to be able to talk to her again..."
TIFU.
Edit: So it seems everyone's pretty concerned about the pizza guy. Let me elaborate; this all took place in a pretty rough part of Australia where the humour is mostly less than savoury. He was a good sport and had we both had a smile; he knew what was up, and I'm sure it's not the first time he's experienced something like this. A few of my mates deliver pizzas and they have some crazy stories. :)
Edit2: omg! I left out one of the most important details! When we ordered the pizza (online) we put in the special delivery note section thing "send sexiest delivery guy keen for threesome", he was a creepy middle aged indian guy. Yes, im the naked one... our house our rules.
SamGill: Which suburb and state of Aus?
imacyber: Dee why, NSW
kattieelove: You are probably the only person I have ever heard of who would consider Dee Why a "rough" place!
imacyber: Really? It's got a pretty low socio-economic makeup (which is admittedly changing). The teens are pretty territorial, I've had nearly a dozen scruff-ups with 'locals'. They have police presence at the bus stop at night. The general consensus of the northern beaches is that Dee Why is pretty rough. It is cleaning up though, especially on the beach side. I do have a pretty good idea of it though; I've lived in Longy for 10+ years and go to freshie. (LAST DAY TOMORROW!)
kattieelove: As someone who grew up out west I cannot take a bunch of freshie kids getting in scruffs seriously lol. When I was in high school we had two people stabbed, over 15 teenage pregnancies (In my year alone) and one death by heroin OD. The list oes one really.
I don't mean to put you down or anything, just showing you a different perspective :)
I hope your last day went well, GL with exams! School ending was the best thing to ever happen to me haha! Any big plans for next year?
imacyber: haha, point taken.
Cheers :)
I'm looking into the ADF as an Airforce pilot, will be getting my recreational (previously GFPT) license this sunday!
kattieelove: Good for you man that's awesome!
| 8 | 12.25 | |
1410691346 | 1410766901 | t3_2gcz8c | t5_2to41 | 11 | DeliciousGrapes: TIFU By walking into my parents room.
Okay, so Background story to set the scene:
I am a teenager girl and this literally happened 30 minutes ago.
My parents room is RIGHT next to the lounge also coincidentally right next to the television and couch (it's a pretty small house). The door to my parents room was also fully open.
So, I was watching a movie on T.V 30 minutes ago because I dunno I guess I just wanted to relax a bit since I have 2 practice exams tomorrow which I am extremely nervous about.
Anyways, I'm watching this movie with my bro and then an hour into the movie I decide to get up and get a glass of water to drink since I haven't eaten anything and my throat was dry as shit. So, I stand up next to the couch standing with one of my leg swinged to the back, with my foot facing upwards placed on the ground ( get it? )But, also at that exact same time an exciting scene was showing up so I was just standing next to the couch in that position. Coincidentally, my mum walks past me and she accidentally skins my foot with her slippers (it quite hurt ). Naturally, I decided to joke around with my mum and make a big deal about it by saying "OMG, YOU TOUCHED MY FOOT MUM!" My mum just laughs and walks into her room (parents room). I follow her into the room ( remember the door was fully open) and there it is.
My. Fucking. Dad. Lying on the bed with just his underwear on and his PENIS showing in FULL view.
I just pretended to not look and just turned around and walked straight into my room. Now I'm scared for life with this mental image of my fathers penis lurking out from his fucking underwear.
I may also have forgotten all the revision material I was memorizing for tomorrows practice exam as well. FML.
P.S. Dad, you have a tiny penis. Okay, I've seen better.
TL;DR: Teenage daughter saw her fathers penis lurking out from his underwear.
grizelin: /u/DeliciousGrapes
Still don't understand the foot position, any chance of a pic or crappy job in paint?
tfyuhjnbgf: Can op post a pic of the foot position?
grizelin: Hurry OP!
DeliciousGrapes: OP, delivers!
Sorry, just came back from school and I've never linked pictures before so, I hope this works. *fingerscrossed*
http://i.imgur.com/ZGxNHu5.png
grizelin: That image just confused me more...
DeliciousGrapes: Yeah, it was already in an awkward position to begin with.
grizelin: Still confused...
DeliciousGrapes: It's alright buddy. Just go get some rest.
grizelin: If I sleep more I'll die
| 10 | 1.1 | |
1410693447 | 1410694911 | t3_2gd0ss | t5_2to41 | 121 | BREAKFASTmaster: TIFU by thinking that Zion was a country in Africa
I was having a conversation with my boyfriend about our favorite places we've been. I say the south of France. He says Zion.
I say "WHOA THAT'S AWESOME, tell me about it!" Of course, me thinking that Zion is a country somewhere in Africa, I start asking him all of these questions based on a different friend's trip to Zambia. I start asking what animals he saw, did he have to carry his water in a bucket, was there internet, did he see any huge spiders, did he have to sleep in a tent, did he go to a small village and meet any villagers?!
He's answering these questions with an increasingly confused look on his face. "We saw a bear. No, we had water with us. Yes part of the time we slept in a tent. What do you mean, villagers?"
Finally I said that I've never had authentic African food and asked if he ate any traditional Zionese food while he was there.
"Uh...Zion is a national park. In Utah." Then he laughed at me for about ten minutes as I turned ten shades of red.
chachachoudhary: Up until this moment I thought Zion=Israel 'cos zionism.
IronMochi: Same here...I thought I'd learn more about Zionism......slightly disappointed.
| 3 | 40.333333 | |
1410694560 | 1410716341 | t3_2gd1pu | t5_2to41 | 651 | BisFitty: TIFU by getting in a fight with my dad.
So, this actually happened over 10 years ago, and it happened to my little sister, not me, but it haunts even me, and I felt it needed to be here.
My little sister fucked up about a dozen years ago when we were kids. She got in a huge fight with our father and stormed off to her room after screaming "I hate you and I never want to see you again!" She woke up early the next morning and felt guilty, so she went out to apologize to dad. When she walked into the living room, she found him lying on the floor, cold and unresponsive. He passed away in the night, of an aneurysm in his lungs while on his way to the kitchen. To this day it is something my sister never speaks of, but you can always see it in the sadness her eyes took on that day.
TL;DR: You never know how long or short life may or may not be. Cherish every moment like it is the last one you will every get.
IMYmittens: My grandfather told me "Once words leave your mouth, they're out there and you can *never* take them back. Don't say anything you would want back. End every day with love". Context: he was giving me a speech on why his marriage has lasted 60+ years.
BisFitty: I wish I had the ability to upvote this 5 times!
areyoukiddingmemate: Be Unidan!
smellymut: Something something too soon something something chris hansen
| 5 | 130.2 | |
1410697537 | 1410751082 | t3_2gd49g | t5_2to41 | 73 | holsandbike: TIFU by not recharging my phone. Now stuck on the toilet.
Down to 3% battery.
Lactose intolerant and I had a lot of dairy today because #yolo!
... shit.
sluttingcunt: Hey guys lets laugh at OP while he cant see us!
HAHAHAHAHA you idiot
holsandbike: *she. Laugh all you want. I made it out alive!
sluttingcunt: same time next week?
holsandbike: Usually I only purge once a month with a dairy day. Just overdid it this time.
[deleted]: Lactaid?.? Im lactose intolerant too and Lactaid doesn't do what it says it does for me..
holsandbike: No I just eat the dairy and then deal with the consequences ;)
Evilkill78: Odd, as a non lactose intolerant, I've had lactaid (dad and his gf are dairy free by choice) and I experienced stomach pain afterwards. Any ideas as to why?
holsandbike: No I mean, I've never used lactaid. They don't have it in the town I'm in.
| 9 | 8.111111 | |
1410702004 | 1410741978 | t3_2gd8ps | t5_2to41 | 12 | teeopolus: TIFU by ordering a coffee on a plane
So on Monday this week I went on holiday to Berlin with some friends for an end of summer blowout sorta thing and stayed til Friday. After having two hours sleep on Thursday night and a week of having ze party, I was über tired when I got on the plane at around 6pm on Friday and for some reason I thought it would be better to get a coffee on the plane instead of just sleeping it out. So there I am, barely able to hold my eyelids up, holding a coffee, 10 miles in the sky - this is where I fucked up. I must have underestimated exactly how tired I was, because without realising, I'd fallen asleep before I'd had time to put the coffee to my lips, and woke up covered in hot brown caffeine juice. Fortunately the seat next to me was empty, but the lady sitting in the next seat had put her purse and book there which got a little bit soaked. Also, she hadn't noticed the whole incident so I had to point out to her that her stuff had been affected by my spillover. The worst part was that the coffee had specifically attacked my crotch area, making it look exactly like I had a terrible phobia of flying and couldn't handle the rough take off. Also, I didnt have a change of trousers in my bag so had to spend the rest of the day sitting in coffeeballsoup.
The stain left on mein trousers: http://imgur.com/EOTCQsc
TL;DR - Fell asleep with coffee in my hand and woke up with a suspicious looking coffee stain on my crotch area
moronmonday526: Holy crap every sentence is pure gold. Twice I've been so exhausted that I forgot how to make coffee. I failed the same way twice. Once on a plane, I poured the sugar packet out on the tray and threw the empty packets in my coffee. Another time, at a hotel, I poured sugar in the little trash can at the coffee station and again threw the empty packets into my cup of coffee.
I know the feels.
teeopolus: Suppose it makes sense that you're always brain dead just before drinking coffee. But on the plane, why?
moronmonday526: I travel a TON for work. Like 45 weeks a year in hotels. The airplane story happened when I was commuting from Philly to San Francisco for a few months. Fly out every Monday at 8am, back every Thursday at 2pm. The hotel story happened in Savannah, Georgia. It was during one of the 40 some odd times I've driven from the Northeast to Central Florida and, again, I was completely exhausted.
My first level of exhaustion means that my eyes can't even focus on my laptop screen. The second level means I don't know where the sugar goes and where the paper trash goes.
| 4 | 3 | |
1410701530 | 1410806461 | t3_2gd87t | t5_2to41 | 1,029 | KnightOfSunlight: TIFU by bringing orange juice to bed
I brought a cup of orange juice to bed and put it on my nightstand. I went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night. It was dark but I took a big drink of my orange juice. It seemed kind of thick like it had a lot of pulp. When I set down the glass I noticed the "pulp" felt like it was tickling my mouth and lips. I turned the light on to observe an inch-thick layer of ants across the surface of my juice.
therealbman: Do you want ants? Because this is how you get ants.
rayrayrex: Season 6! :)
IamNotDrinkable: When is it coming out?
rayrayrex: January 19th, 2015
HBilicke: What about season 5 on Netflix?
SnapCrack1ePop: Probably in like December/Late November.
TheRealMcCoy95: Why not use the piratebay? Why not Zoidberg?
| 8 | 128.625 | |
1410702632 | 1410718782 | t3_2gd9fl | t5_2to41 | 7 | le_super_genius: TIFU by getting caught peeing on the floor
MisterDiablo: This story should be in /r/talesfromatard
jasonh300: Disappointed that this is not a real subreddit.
MisterDiablo: Maybe /r/tardtales will cheer you up a bit. Enjoy!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410701375 | 1410715823 | t3_2gd82r | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to my friend's house
Today I fucked up. This morning, I took a walk to my friend's house so we could play video games or look up stupid youtube videos like we always do.
Anyway, I got to his house at about 9:00 am, and noticed that only his father's car was there, and his mom's car(which they normally use when the whole family goes out) was gone. Me, having not had my morning Red Bull yet, didn't process this and I went to knock on the door.
I knocked once, and didn't get an answer. Then I knocked again, this time a bit longer and a bit louder. No answer. I waited about 25 seconds, then I knocked once again, really loudly.
I think I should mention that I am wearing my all black hoodie, and I probably looked really suspicious. I waited about 30 seconds and then called his name. At this point, I thought he was playing a prank on me and I was extremely pissed. I banged on his door as loud as I could while saying something like "if you don't answer the door, were not friends anymore!" I knew that he wouldn't give a shit if we weren't friends anymore, because he knows he's one of my only friends.
I try knocking one more time, wait about 20 seconds, then turn around to leave. I was met by a man stepping out of a police car, saying "Sir, can I check your pockets, and your jacket?" I responded with"Umm, sure I guess." I took of my jacket and handed it to him, and he looked through it, and checked the pockets, then he checked my pants pockets.
"Sir, your under arrest for attempted Breaking and Entering.""What?!" I responded. Then told me my rights, anything you say can and will be used against you... blah,blah,blah. Then he put handcuffs on me, and told me to step into the car.
He told me that the neighbors had called, because I was "extremely loud".
They took off my handcuffs and I sat in some room. They got my fingerprints and took my picture, and through the window, I can see a police man on the computer.
It's now 9:29, and i'm scared.
Update: 1:26 pm. Turns out there wasnt enough evidence to convict me so yay, i guess.
imacyber: Is this for real? How old are you? This sounds fake, a police officer needs reasonable suspicion that a crime is, has or will take place in order to search or arrest you. A phone call is not reasonable suspicion, and your full compliance, as well as lack of compelling evidence leads to an unlawful search and arrest. That is of course if your telling the entire truth...
trulyannoyin: 1. Yes this is real
2. I am 16
3. The only reason I complied was because I was scared
| 3 | 1 | |
1410701978 | 1410873859 | t3_2gd8os | t5_2to41 | 5 | theoriginalpugmuffin: TIFU by drinking too much coffee
This was probably a developing problem as I used to work in construction and to get through a 12-14 hour day, I drank 4-5 mugs of NesCafe 45 (Satan's personal brew) a day. Fast forward a year...
The time I fucked up by drinking 2-3 large cappuccinos religiously every day for an entire semester which resulted in the swelling of my epididymis, that sits on top of the testicle, resulting in some very sharp pains and some crippling pain. I often do self testicular checks (so should you all guys!) so when this crippling pain came on, and I did a check I knew something was up. Pushing through the pain, and too afraid to go to a doctor I went to the doctor I knew best, Google. After some serious research (like probably 30-40 pages later) the common feel was 'go to a doctor' or cut back on caffeine. Most of the stuff was anecdotal, but that's what I went with and after I cut back I never had the problem again.
As far as I know, there is little medical literature on this, but hey, it worked for me when I cut back on the caffeine and no more problems! Please let me know if you know otherwise though!
tl;dr: Caffeine intake too high, swollen testicles.
yarnandbeer: Oh, I didn't know there was a guy version of this! I used to drink 4 cups of coffee in the morning, grab a sugar-free red bull on my way to work, make a cup of coffee on my first break, and then drink a coke with my dinner (my lunch break was 5pm). Then I found a lump in my breast. At 26, the doctor refused to schedule me for a mammogram because I was "too young." I instead had an ultrasound, and the doctor said "yeah, how much caffeine do you drink?"
theoriginalpugmuffin: Oh shit! That's Cray. Did everything subside eventually? Or did you have to get surgery :s
yarnandbeer: No surgery necessary! It was just breast tissue that became a "breast ridge" (as the doctor put it) because of several things. He said in my case, it was most likely caffeine and stress. I worked in a customer service call center, so I needed the caffeine and I had a ton of stress.
theoriginalpugmuffin: well im glad it worked out!
| 5 | 1 | |
1410706403 | 1410706837 | t3_2gde6h | t5_2to41 | 1 | michaelwang33: TIFU by going on 7cupsoftea
imacyber: I dont get it?
michaelwang33: You arent supposed to get it.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1410706820 | 1410707380 | t3_2gdeqc | t5_2to41 | 37 | throwaway693127: TIFU by not talking to someone who killed herself
glitcher21: Perhaps this can be a learning experience for you. I'm sure that next time you're in the same situation you'll talk to the person.
throwaway693127: Of course, it has definitely been a learning experience. I feel so terrible. Just knowing that I could have saved someone's life but I didn't.
glitcher21: I can only imagine. You care enough to feel guilty and that's a good thing. Maybe you could still do something for her. Maybe start some sort of program at your school for suicidal teens in her name?
throwaway693127: I might but I am heading into my last term of school. I will be doing my final exams. I will do something to remember her.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1410709612 | 1411883620 | t3_2gdis9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | tafutrell: TIFU by forgetting an online exam
I remembered around 3am that I had an exam due three hours ago. It's not a good feeling
VegMan20: I know that feel all to well OP, I've missed 2 out of the last three online tests in one of my classes and it's only week 4.
tafutrell: It's nice to know we're not alone
GoingFor200LBS: Thanks again OP. I was going through my comment history and saw this thread. I have an exam due tomorrow. Stay golden OP.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410709631 | 1410725778 | t3_2gdit6 | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my ex girlfriend I wanted her on my face.
So, this literally just happend a few minutes ago.
I broke off a 20 month relationship two months ago, and this specific ex girlfriend I owe a bit of money to which I plan to pay back at the end of this month. She had texted me asking if it was the 1st I was paying her back so she was on the top of my text list.
I had also been texting the girl I'm currently seeing, I had written out a message saying "Yaaaay, I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I want you on my face right right now<3"
To my horror I didn't send this text message to the girl I'm seeing.. I had sent this to my ex..
Today, I fucked up.. Hard.
I've apologised profusely but this is gonig to become a shitstorm of a situation soon. I'll keep everyone updated. If you don't hear from me soon; assume I've been decappitated.
EDIT: Anyone selling a bulletproof vest? She pissed.
[deleted]: Lol just tell her it was for someone else.
billiardwolf: Pretty sure that's the issue here.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1410710096 | 1410711087 | t3_2gdjij | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering pizza with pepperoni
So, a bit of background, as per the norm:
I'm an only child, currently living with my parents. Both my parents are religious (Muslims) so no pepperoni or anything of the sort, but I identify as agnostic, so I'm fine with most things (granted, with restriction) but my parents dont know.
Today they left and said they'd be out for about an hour, so I ordered some pizza, with pepperoni. It will arrive in 20 minutes. They just called me and asked what size I ordered, I said large, and they said they'd share with me, and that they'll be here within 15 minutes.
Shit. What do i do.
UPDATE: it arrived early! I now must eat all the Pepperoni's off of this in 4 minutes, simple!
imgur.com/YDlLuH3
SleepyIX: Tell them the delivery driver crashed and hide the pizza.
Gee, thankfully my father ain't so religious nuts.
CeauxViette: Or one of those crazy vegetarians.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410709649 | 1410725674 | t3_2gdity | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU Dropping my phone into the sink on purpose
To start thing's off. I have been texting a girl I have a crush of recently, things were going well until recently when she didn't reply my text for days. (4 days)
So as my desperate genius brain instinctively tells me to text her back. I was worried that I might text the wrong thing and plus I was very tired after sleeping late last night.
All the quantum physics calculations going on in my mind was driving me bad shit insane. That was the moment when I knew I was such a genius ._.
I took my phone to my bathroom sink, turned on the tap and let my phone to drown in a pool of water. I was fascinated at that point for at least 5 seconds, standing in front of the sink admiring the fact the phone is still working underwater. Then after that 5 seconds. My brain was like WTF!?
Took out the phone used a shit load of towels to wipe it off, wiped it all over my shirt, shake it a million times and it wouldn't boot up. ._.
I'm crying over the fact that I won't be able to text her than ever having my phone being broken. T_T
Tldr: Brain went full retard, dipped phone into a sink full of water o_O
ekoth: Put it int a bowl of uncooked rice. That should get the water out.
The_Serious_Account: And do *not* turn it on. Remove the battery (if you can).. Water does not (usually) ruin your phone. Having your phone on while wet does.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410711672 | 1410928979 | t3_2gdlxj | t5_2to41 | 56 | Throwaway_fordayss: TIFU by having sex with a freshman
I really did fuck up today because it was about two in the morning when the shit hit the fan. Now just a little background info I'm a sophomore at college in the US and I'm actually not much of a ladies man but I've had my fair share of experience.
Anyway the story starts as many college mistakes do, with a party and alcohol and ends with me and this girl that I had met last week, who I had been texting quite a bit, in my room and things were getting pretty hot fast. So we have been making out for a while and I start to make some moves as anyone would expect and she seems to be into it because she was taking off my clothes and I was taking off hers. So next thing ya know we're naked and I ask her if she "wants to" and she says yes, so I go grab a condom and we start going at it. Now to start it, was pretty good, we were both having a good time and everything seemed great. This where it starts getting shitty, so we are doing it for a while when suddenly she stops participating so I ask her "what's up?"
and she doesn't really say anything so I ask her "Is something wrong?"
Now at this point it is very clear something is up so I put on my underwear and ask again what was wrong, so she says to me "I don't know if I should have done this" so I say "ok we can stop" and she follows up with "I should go." So at this point im pretty freaked out about what happened and what went wrong, but I don't really voice it because she's grabbing her clothes very hurried and putting them back on quickly. After she's fully dressed she goes to leave the room and a ask her again what happened and what was wrong and she said "I'm not going to talk to you about it." Now she said this last thing with more disgust in her voice than I thought was possible and then she stormed out.
So now here I am the next morning and she hasn't responded to my texts at alland I'm kinda freaked out because our school has somewhat of a reputation for freshman girls making false rape claims on older guys. So I am freaked out right now because even if there is no evidence, the school has expelled several guys just on the claims, so I am completely at the will of this girl. If you guys have any advice on if I should be worried or what I should do, it would be greatly appreciated.
callmejenkins: It's illegal to make a flase rape claim, massively so. If you have ANY witness, (friends, acquaintences, anyone), that saw you leaving together intoxicated, then take her to court if she tries that shit and you get expelled. If you win she will owe you your tution plus damages. (I.e. lots). People who do this shit are despicable. Just because you're drunk and made a bad call doesn't make it rape, it's called being intoxicated. They wonder why so many rapists get away with it...
Throwaway_fordayss: It may be illegal but that really hasn't stopped any of the girls who have done it and it almost never goes to court because the schools like to handle it themselves
callmejenkins: The school doesn't GET to handle it themself. Being accused of a felony crime, then being punished for it, can lead to serious problems, (i.e. your life is ruined), so if you didn't do it, take her ass straight to court for slander and or libel.
banyt: slander = spoken, libel = written
callmejenkins: You can write down an accusation and verbally accuse. Idiot.
banyt: why are you so bitter?
also, do you have any actual legal experience or knowledge...?
callmejenkins: Why are you explainging slander and libel to me, I know what they are. To have someone removed from a college you would need to formally accuse them in writing and then verbally accuse them during the "investigation." Since this is not a legal trial, lieing in the investigation is not perjury, it would be slander, and the written accusation is libel. Ergo, slander and libel.
banyt: it's not that simple, which is why I asked about your level of legal knowledge
for starters, perjury and slander are two different things. perjury is a crime because you are legally bound to tell the truth in a court of law. it's a strict liability offence.
slander/libel are specific instances of the *tort* of defamation, which is why fair/justified comment is a defence to a slander/libel claim. slander/libel exist as torts not to protect the truth in any way, but to protect one's *reputation*.
moving on from that, this is a case of an official complaint, which does not often give much room for a defamation claim. there might be internal sanctions for knowingly having filed a false report, but doing so is miles away from maliciously publishing false information with the intent to damage another's reputation, which is basically what defamation is.
so, do you know what you are talking about?
callmejenkins: Explain to me exactly how knowlingly filing a false report about a serious crime is not harmful to a reputation. Please do so. The intent was to file a report to ruin the reputation of the accused, which, the school then suspends because colleges reserve the right to suspension, (but the accusor CAN still be charged). That doesnt mean the accused's reputation isn't permanently damaged due to a false accusation, which, by definition, is slander / libel. But hey, it's clearly not a crime according to you, so why don't we all just let people know you're a rapist. Not like you can do anything about it, because according to you it is not a crime because your reputation isn't harmed. If you are 100% confident then tell us your work, name, and the name of your supervisor. I'd be interested to see how he would react if you were accused of rape.
Oh and just incase you wanted to argue some more
This is my state (NC) defamation laws.
http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/north-carolina-defamation-law
And cleary stated as always defamation is an accusation of a crime, which rape is.
banyt: your argument doesn't make sense...
charging means "accusing" in the informal sense. it's not the same as making a false report. it is an offence to falsely report a crime *to legitimate public authorities*, not to a private tribunal such as a school's administration.
seriously, go take courses in public, tort and criminal law. I'm done here. the law is far too complex for people like you who can pull up some random website and think they know everything.
but whatever, right, it's not like I have a legal education or anything...
edit, if you're so intelligent, name *one* legal precedent involving a defamation suit based off of a spurious private complaint. go ahead.
| 11 | 5.090909 | |
1410712267 | 1410718186 | t3_2gdmvj | t5_2to41 | 4 | serenesloths: TIFU By rsvping for a party
Last year, I was just casually scrolling through Facebook, and it was being more laggy than usual. There apparently was some party/ event that people were rsvping for, and I wasn't invited so I didn't think anything of it and scrolled by. Right when I was scrolling by, the screen completely froze, and I kept tapping on it hoping it
would help it load. After I had given up,
exited the app and restarted it, I got a message from the guy hosting the party. He
immediately told me that I wasn't invited to
he party, and proceeded to tell me he didn't particularly want me there, and asked if I would please delete my RSVP. I apologized profusely, being as I just rsvp'ed for a private party that I most definitely was not invited to. It was just extremely awkward that I hadn't realized I had done it, and that the guy felt the need to personally tell me that I needed to make sure I didn't go. Still friends with him to this day, didn't know him as well back then. Sorry for the huge wall of text
steezyvape: Was this like a formal event? Or like some guy throwing a kegger when parents were out of town?
serenesloths: It wasn't formal at all. Usual group of younger friends all get together once and awhile and I'm friends with all of them but don't hang out with them. So I honestly have no idea what they were going to do but I don't think a kegger was far off
steezyvape: That guy is a fucking douche then.
| 4 | 1 | |
1410713322 | 1410725384 | t3_2gdoi9 | t5_2to41 | 45 | darth_noob: TIFU by cutting chillis then scratching my balls.
I had some rice on the boil and I like mine spicy, so I cut some chillis up all the while thinking, reminding myself to wash my hands after. I didn't. I sat down at my computer from where I'm typing this up, then about 5 mins later I just grabbed a hold of my junk; balls, dick and all. It feels like I just had sex with the devil.
Daleks_Extermin8: At least you can say you have a hot dick
[deleted]: If you subscribe to tifu and you a)finger your gf after eating hot wings b) touch your genitals after cutting peppers...
You're retarded. This is 90% of this sub. Yawn.
Bensrob: Still after knowing the pain yourself it can be quite amusing to laugh at other peoples pain
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1410715234 | 1410773344 | t3_2gdrnt | t5_2to41 | 10,501 | Wambulance_Driver: TIFU by running over a bald eagle with an ambulance.
Came around a bend and there he was, just sitting there in all his majestic glory. Then all his majestic glory was all over the road.
I'm sorry, America.
Edit:
A few notes:
Yes he was splattered, no chance for feathers.
Not going to jail, I didn't do it on purpose.
Edit 2:
Drivers Ed 101, don't swerve to avoid small animals that won't hurt you. It wasn't a human, so calm down.
MisfitPsycho: Well, assuming the ambulance was American made he didn't die in vain.
You are now required however to wake up every morning and sing our National Anthem to the rising sun.
Wambulance_Driver: I thought we already all did that.
A_Typical_Noob: You just went from "Full-blown Terrorist" to "National Hero/Superior Patriot" in the span of one short and beautiful statement. To show my respect, I shall now stand and salute your user profile for exactly five minutes while holding a puppy that I have painted Red, White, and Blue.
plasbhemy: Where are the stars ?
A_Typical_Noob: The stars were carved into my bare chest using an authentic, handmade Apache arrowhead that has been in my family lineage for generations.
not_legally_rape: Oh, an Apache arrow head has been in your family for generations? I assume that was taken from an Indian burial ground, *patriot*, and not that you need to be escorted down the Trail of Tears.
Daveezie: It was taken from his great great great great grandfather's chest, actually, who was an escort along the aforementioned trail.
not_legally_rape: I almost cried a single patriotic tear, but I am incapable of crying. Luckily I was able to use my eye dropper full of Indian tears to achieve a similar effect.
forte_bass: I was going to gild this but it won't load them right. Carry on, you True Patriot!
not_legally_rape: Don't worry, I can live without gold. The only colors I need are red, white, and blue.
DiamondKiwi: You'll take your gold and you'll like it.
not_legally_rape: Thank you. Even though gold is a color on the flag of a certain Communist nation, I can sleep patriotically knowing that your American dollars, though ill intentioned, have traveled through a capitalistic process to an American company.
DiamondKiwi: You make a good point about the gold/communist connection. I propose that we democratically elect a new name for Reddit Gold. Freedom Currency? Liberty Points? DGAF Dollars? I'm exercising my freedom to allow you to exercise -your- freedom to weigh in on this matter.
iguessimaperson: Well technically we are a gold country. Thank the lovely patriots of California, the end destination of our great manifest destiny.
Vefantur: End destination? I wouldn't call our Manifest Destiny over. We will continue to spread Freedom!
| 16 | 656.3125 | |
1410834635 | 1411337993 | t3_2gdrqb | t5_2to41 | 4 | 25yearsofidiocy: You are also thinking you know how others feel. You said yourself you don't know this girl. And you also think you know anything about me. I'm painfully aware of what it's like to be alone and desperate for someone. I'm also painfully aware of what it's like to have my SO cheat.
So, I'll say it again (mostly because I know it pisses you off). They're both assholes and whores.
Applebomb511: Just saw this guys new "Tifu"....... Whore and prick
25yearsofidiocy: Just checked your profile -that beer will have to wait a few years. I forget the internet has no age restrictions. Haha!
Applebomb511: I'll keep you to that, give it 4 years ill be over there haha
| 4 | 1 | |
1410716946 | 1412764475 | t3_2gduh3 | t5_2to41 | 108 | FetusChrist: TIFU by Zangief body slamming my wife
So we got a little tipsy last night and brought the party into the bedroom. Mid doggy style I thought cowgirl would be fun and she enjoys it when I just kind of pick her up and move into new positions. So I grabbed around her waist and pulled back to place her in the top position. Sadly in my drunken state I didn't take into account how much bed we had behind us. We toppled off the back side and landed on our heads. She's got a huge goose egg today and I twisted my neck and landed on my ear tearing a bit of the top of it.
I don't think I'll be living this one down for a few months
UmbreonsRings: Im going to *c-c-COMBO BREAKER!*
just_another_hobo: This is the only time reddit has made me laugh out loud. Upvote for you for making me make a fool if myself.
johpick: http://www.wtf-secrets.com/
Read the 6th story (with the green box).
just_another_hobo: O.O
johpick: I just found out about the [origin](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4ilkt2). Pics included, SFW.
| 6 | 18 | |
1410715894 | 1410720287 | t3_2gdsr2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | iwozza: TIFU by making myself some cereal
So I am a uni student, first year. New to the moving in. I got the essentials before hand and I feel I'm all sorted out. When I arrived I unpacked everything got started and set myself up for the first few weeks of uni!
On of the things i bought was a combo lock for my food cupboard, it was a simple 3-dial briefcase style lock. When I finished unpacking my food, i put the lock on the cupboard and sealed away my glorious food.
Roll on to the next morning when I go to make myself some cereal, I place a bowl on the counter and get a spoon out. I then proceed to unlock my cupboard and get out my cereal, (Krave if you must know) I pour a moderate amount into the bowl, then seal up the bag and put it away. This is where the story begins, I reach up to grab some sugar to sweeten up the cereal a bit more, as I pull it down it caught the ketchup I put next to it, the ketchup came crashing down and smashed into my bowl knocking it to the floor, I look down, krave and smashed bowl everywhere. Best off I'm not wearing any shoes...
I grab the dustpan and brush in the kitchen, clean up and sort myself out. because I keep the bowls in my room I had to go back, but before I did I put the combo lock back onto the cupboard and lock it. so I go back to my room and grab the 2nd bowl I have, rush back to the kitchen and go to unlock the cupboard.
Now when I put the lock back on the cupboard I must of changed the combination on accident to it, leaving me with my food locked away unable to get to it unless I guess on pick the lock open. I'm boned most of my food was in there. I try for a good 5 minutes random combinations trying my hand at some luck, but to no avail.
At this point I'm panicking a lot, my food is locked away and I have little to no means to get at it. I go back to my room to cool down and chill. I stay in there for about 10 mins looking online about pick locking combo locks, stuff comes up but none of it is useful to me.
I go back to the kitchen to try again, but this time there is 4 other people in the room, I think to my self I cant just try and pick this lock with 4 other people staring, can I? I decide against it, go back to my room, have a shower, new change of clothes, and have a lovely game of Dota 2 (which I lost), it comes to 11am I'm feeling hungry at this point and there is only 4 things not locked away.
-Bread
-Butter
-Milk
-Cheese
I decide to make my self a sandwich, I butter the bread, add some cheese, cut it in half, and a delicious cheese sandwich was born. Now I am standing right below my cupboard, and I decide to try the combo lock once more, I keep the first 2/3 the same, and turn the 3rd to 0. I pull, and it seemed as nothing happened. I then proceed to change the 3rd number again, but its not letting me. I let go of the lock and to my amazement the combination I just put in unlocked it. (on this lock you cant change the numbers if its unlocked)
At this point I felt sad, happy, and embarrassed. But alas it was finally open, and my panic was over.
TL:DR don't put sugar on your cereal
UmbreonsRings: You could of made grilled cheese.
iwozza: ketchup was in cupboard, I always have ketchup with grilled cheese :(
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410717647 | 1411222268 | t3_2gdvn2 | t5_2to41 | 100 | shower_pooper: TIFU by pooping in the shower, and claiming it was coffee grounds.
A few months ago I accidentally relieved my bowels in the shower, and much to my surprise, it was quite liberating. It washed down the drain, and I felt so alive, from that day forth I planned my mornings accordingly. I did have one issue, there was a foul smell during this process, and I wanted to hide this from my boyfriend. I decided that I would disguise the smell with coffee grinds, and sure enough it worked well enough. Until recently he caught on and approached me, I told him I was using coffee grinds as a facial scrub.
Do I tell him the truth, or continue the web of lies?
technofiend: The most amazing thing about this post is that "shower_pooper" wasn't already taken.
nottrollbutthrowaway: So true story, I have legitimately pooped in the shower, like a whole log. Took like 15-20 minutes to wash it all down the drain.
technofiend: Oh yeah. There was an extended discussion here or on fark about how Lindsey Lohan would regularly "heel one down" during her daily shower. Of course the general neck beard consensus was don't care, like anyone on either site has a shot. LOL.
nottrollbutthrowaway: Ha, that's hilarious!
| 5 | 20 | |
1410717709 | 1410743358 | t3_2gdvqq | t5_2to41 | -1 | blackyezzuz: Tifu by telling a girl I just met to suck di*k nfsw
This just happened like 2hours ago I feel like shit..
This girl was a keeper I could tell ..she was roughly a nine in scale .
Lemme just tell the story
Okay so I was at home watching the inbetweeners..just Google it readers ..
Okay so I'm this show its based in the UK ..
So when guys in the show see if a girl is cute or hot they call her fit .
I know right.
So am idea came to my head that I will use this word to any girl that I see is hot ...
So this is where my fuck up begins
So I went out with some Buddy's of mine..
We hit up the club and have some fun .
I had some shots ..so I was kinda I'm a buzz
So I see the girl by herself in the bar ..and started chatting her up we had a lot in common and she was perfect.. DM I fucked up bad ..
So I tried my line ...let's call her Susan ..
I wanted to say Susan your fucking fit !
Bit it came out ..Susan you sucking dick
Wtf !I don't know where that came from ...
Her eyes widened and she threw her drink at my face ..
And walked away ...
Am literally slapping myself now ..I fucked up today.
And it turns out that Susan ..is literally in my same campus.which makes this fuck up worse .
.
blackyezzuz: I don't see her seeing humor in that .
She looked really pissed!.
Smh.
Don't do shots bruh.!
fucking_web_dev: You need to reply to the individual comment by clicking reply under it, not making a new comment every time. Also, smh and other retarded ass things people never say will get you downvoted.
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1410717037 | 1410718546 | t3_2gdumy | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying a sex toy on Amazon [NSFW]
So at the recommendation of a friend, I decided to buy a sex toy to use with a friend with benefits of mine. I look on amazon and find the perfect toy, toss it in my cart with a hoodie and a CD, and complete the checkout without thinking twice.
Today I was reviewing the order and noticed something about the shipping address. I accidentally set it to the address of the dorm I lived in at uni last year. I figured no big deal, they'll see that it won't go to anybody and I'm just out some money. Until I remembered that it's likely for whoever will be working the mailroom to put the package in the mailbox of that dorm without checking the name on it.
A friend that still attends the university mentioned that the people who moved into my dorm were just a few girls she hadn't met. I'm thinking right now about the possible outcomes. Best case scenario is that the mailroom guy doesn't put it in the mailbox because the names don't match. Worst case scenario is that they get the package, open it, find the sex toy, and assume it's an attempt at sexual harassment, look at the billing info, find my name and address, and I get charged with sexual harassment.
I'm trying to determine if I should get my friend to introduce herself to whomever would receive the package and explain the situation (obviously leaving out the contents of the package) or call the mail office and explain what happened there.
sumonte: Just change the address on the website. I did it for all my college books when I accidentally clicked ok before checking to see everything was ok.
RredTheCollie: I tried that already. It's already shipped out and I can't change it.
sumonte: You could try both ways then. I doubt you'll be carted off to pedo jail for accidentally putting the wrong address on a sex toy.
| 4 | 1 | |
1410714891 | 1410748959 | t3_2gdr3r | t5_2to41 | 7 | tophatmaggoo: TIFU by giving my coworker a blowjob under a hidden camera at work. [NSFW]
Let's start by laying the foundation of this story. My coworker is a 38 year old, verified sex-addicted, very homophobic black man, and I am a 22 year old, white, liberal gay man. For some reason we hit it off the day i started work three years ago. I would even go as far as to say he was my best friend. However, i never let him know i was gay. That was going to stay a secret. For two years, no one I worked with had any idea. (I live in the Deep South, and I know for a fact that I would lose several friends if it came out).
About a year ago, he managed to get me to admit it. He lost his shit, but not how I thought. He was happy for me, kept saying things like, "I knew it! I'm so excited!" or "You're still my nigga!" Two days after I told him, he came up to me and (jokingly) said, "I've decided, I'm gonna let you suck my dick." I knew he was joking, and was the furthest from gay anyone could ever be. The number of women he has slept with is in the hundreds. I responded, still joking, "I'll call your bluff. Let's go, right now." This was at work, so we went out the back door to the 'ready yard', where we put our finished products. It is very isolated with no chance of anyone finding us. I knew he was gonna smoke a cigarette, as he did 3 or 4 times a day in that same spot.
What I did not expect was for him to tell me to get on my knees. I did (I've been attracted to this guy for years, not that I would have ever admitted it), and I watched as he pulls his MASSIVE penis out. This penis was the penis of the gods, making all other small, less divine dicks quiver in fear before it's glory. So i did what anyone would do in this situation. I gave that man the best blowjob he's ever had. After all was said and done, after i had swallowed and smoked a cigarette, we went back in. He wouldn't say anything but 'wow'. He informed me that that was going to have to keep happening. I wasn't going to argue.
Skip forward two weeks. My boss calls me into the office and on the computer monitor was a video playing of me going to town on my coworkers dick. I had no idea there was a camera out there, and in hindsight, realized it was pretty stupid of me not to count that as a possibility.
My boss started threatening me with my job, which I need, and implies that I'm going to have to suck him off to keep him quiet about the whole affair. Which, while I really enjoy giving blowjobs, was not how I like to be wooed. So i blew him. And blew him. And blew him. I was giving this guy 2 to 3 blowjobs a week for about 3 months in his office, hating every minute of not being allowed to say or do anything about it.
He got bolder and bolder with time, eventually giving me the ultimatum of letting him bend me over the desk or get fired and have everyone know about my being gay. So, out of necessity, i let him fuck me. It really was more like rape. I'll spare you the details, but it was not enjoyable.
I was so shaken by the experience that i broke down after work that day and told everything to my coworker/friend with benefits. To say he was furious would have been an understatement. He started losing his shit, telling me how he was going to take care of it for me. Then a miracle happened. Two days later, my boss was in the hospital, apparently the victim of a mugging. He had three broken ribs, a broken wrist, and his face was barely recognizable. My coworker never admitted to doing it, but my boss quit two days later while still in the hospital and hasn't talked to either of us since.
Anyway, I fell in love with my coworker and we now live together, raising his 3 year old daughter together. And i still have my job.
EDIT: To clarify, I am not in a relationship with my coworker. He still won't admit he's attracted to me, and he'll die before he admits to being in a gay relationship. I do live with him however, we have sex regularly, and I consider his daughter my own. I'm completely in love with him and am content with where we are.
mq999: Surely this is fake. Especially the boss raping you part.
tophatmaggoo: It wasn't rape. I willingly had sex with him. I skimmed past the details. I don't know if you've had anal sex, but being nervous/anxious and tense mixed with having a dong shoved in your ass hole does not lead to a good time. I simply meant it was LIKE rape. It hurt, I got no pleasure from it, and I would not have fucked him unless he held that above my head. He did not rape me though. Not physically at least.
toooquiet: Sex by coercison at the risk of losing your job and being exposed? That's pretty much on the line of rape if not over. Enjoying the sex in a rape does not negate a rape. Many rape victims male and female actually orgasm from their rape, which is pretty fucked up, and even more fucked up with people use that fact to discredit their claim as a rape victim.
tophatmaggoo: My coworker says the same thing. I have to disagree though. I could have walked out of there without him stopping me. I made the conscious decision to allow him to have sex with me. I pretended to enjoy it and complimented him afterwards. Yeah, I was scared for my job and didn't want me and my SO exposed, but I could have easily said fuck it and walked out. I don't know. For me, it's not a matter of black and white. There was some gray area there and I was at fault as much as he was.
sessuna: It was rape, dude.
wOlfLisK: Why are you arguing over whether or was rape with the "victim"? If he's ok with it and says it wasn't rape, it wasn't rape.
sessuna: I wasn't trying to argue, merely pointing out the obvious. Sorry you got your knickers in a knot about it, that wasn't my intention.
I'm concerned that people don't acknowledge this kind of event for what it actually was. Nobody should feel coerced into being intimate with somebody, and allowing something to happen does not equal consent. OP obviously did not want to be violated in the manner which he was.
If you found out that something like this had happened to your Mother/Father/Sister/Brother/Girlfriend/Boyfriend etc would you be okay with it? Would you still think that the person had not been victimised? And what about Stockholm Syndrome. People who are held captive are often free to mosey on out the front door of a dwelling but they don't. By your logic, these people are not being held captive and are not being victimised.
We need to stop turning a blind eye to this kind of shit. It's not okay and that person had no right to behave the way he did.
| 8 | 0.875 | |
1410719579 | 1410749578 | t3_2gdytj | t5_2to41 | 569 | [deleted]: TIFU by reading my boyfriends Facebook messages. He has been cheating on me while on business in India. We were supposed to get engaged when he came back.
24[F] here. First of all I am absolutely devastated that this has happened. We have dated and lived together for over a year. We picked a place together and even picked out a ring for when he came back. I knew something was off with him, but I just talked myself out of it every time. I know this isn't right, but I logged into his Facebook and found what I was looking for. He's been talking to another girl, meeting up with her, telling her he can't focus on work because she's so beautiful and a princess and wonderful... The same lines he used and continued to use on me. I sent him nudes the other day, because he asked for them (Before I found this stuff last night).I feel violated, sick to my stomach. I guess he forgot that I knew all his passwords. I feel like I want to exact revenge, but I don't want bad karma in my life. My heart is broken. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's a pervert, and a liar. I had seen some signs previously. For example, he had an ungodly amount of porn on his computer that I accidentally found (specifically Asian.) He had said to me once that he didn't believe sex offenders should be stigmatized for the rest of their lives (not even child molesters). He also talked about how the legal age of consent should be 14 like it is in other countries. He told me he thought my 16 year-old sister is pretty and cute. (He's 31) He lied a lot, saying he DJ'ed at orgies, and would talk about how beautiful other women were. He also drugged me once by dissolving xanax in my drink and having sex with me that I couldn't remember. I rationalized all of this, and thought he was talking about it objectively. I found out he was talking and seeing one of his exes, but he said it was strictly as friends. He told me he hasn't even looked or talked to anyone while in India and I believed him. I feel like a fucking moron.
EDIT: I forgot to mention he gave me HPV. I found that out a week ago, but more recently found out about his cheating. I told him he is dead to me and to never contact me again. I'm living at home now with my mom and my sister.
EDIT 2: Thanks for all of the support you guys. I'm really glad that I am on reddit. It feels good to have people cheering me on and making me feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel, because I feel like curling up in a ball and dying. So I decided to expose him to the women he's been talking to in his workplace on facebook. They needed to know, and I think someday they'll thank me. I risk being exposed now because I sent him nude photos of myself. YIKES. Any advice about that?
EDIT 3: How do I report him to the police? How would they even know to believe me? What could they even do about it? I don't even have proof and I sent him nude photos. How would that look?
witchling_22: Move. Gtfo before he comes back. Also, get tested. You're blaming yourself for something he did wrong. It's not your fault. You see the warning signs now. Take it with you and learn from it. *hugs*
[deleted]: Short and sweet! Thank you so much. I'm already outta there. Hugs!
Drewdoggg: Did you tell the other women about him?
[deleted]: No. I didn't feel like it was my place to get involved. She works at the same company with him, and I just felt yucky about doing it. Maybe, she won't believe me even if I do tell her.
Drewdoggg: If he crushed your heart or mine I would crush everyone he cheated with.
[deleted]: I just feel like that's bad karma for me. What would be the point of hurting other people? Maybe you don't believe in karma, but still I just don't see the point in doing that. I'd feel worse honestly.
Drewdoggg: Nope I don't believe in karma.
valoopy: Then you won't mind these Downvotes.
Drewdoggg: Nope
| 10 | 56.9 | |
1410719782 | 1410761190 | t3_2gdz6k | t5_2to41 | 78 | jiimmyp: TIFU by trusting a vasectomy...
Back in June I had the ol' boys snipped. My SO already has a child and doesn't want more and my ex-wife is getting enough money for the child we share to ensure I never wanted to have kids again.
Last weekend I got back from a short trip and my girl was acting moody as shit. We have a pretty laid back relationship so I didn't bring it up. Sunday night before bed she asked why I had been so quiet all day, and I laughed and said because she had been kind of a dick all weekend. She says, "I think I'm about to start my period. I've been pissy all week."
I'm glad the lights were off because I know my eyes were popping out of my head. Since we have been together she always gets the visit within the first 4 days of the month so to me she was already a week late at this point.
So now it's been 11 days, and Aunt Flow hasn't called or written. We're starting to worry.
bingcrosbyb: Vasectomy failure is incredibly rare. Either you are one of the unlucky few or your lady has been with another man. Get the swimmers checked 1st before you start making accusations.
jiimmyp: Her being with another man is unlikely, but even if she were she is smart enough to make him wear a rubber. If she's gonna cheat, she's not gonna be able to explain an STD...
[deleted]: You'd be surprised at how many cheaters don't use protection—the majority, because it increases the excitement even more. Other times, the condom breaks and the woman gets worried because she doesn't know if she's pregnant or not.
Check your swimmers and if you're in the clear, well, the next step is up to you, but a serious talk and, if nothing comes up, then a paternity test would be recommended.
Teddie1056: Well, she isn't pregnant, just late. He should probably wait for that one first.
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1410720568 | 1410739158 | t3_2ge0ih | t5_2to41 | 13 | justpeachy13: TIFU by generously insulting and ripping off a boy scout.
I walk out of store and gasp! Chocolate popcorn! Yum! I shall be a nice person and go buy the expensive popcorn. I pay five dollars for a tiny box of cookies so eight buck popcorn will be worth it.
F-up #1: I was behind a couple of people and could not see the boy scout. I look down at the table as I approach. I say "here you go little buddy. This is aaalll for you. Keep every penny." I look up to see a 14 year old boy staring back at me like [this] (http://cdn1.disneybaby.com/images/2012/11/MG_4985.jpg)
F-up#2: I clear my throat and say "all I want is this little bag of popcorn right here. Boy stairs at me and then looks at his scout leader like [this] (http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/14kwrhk.gif). The scout leader starts to " uh...him...haha..er...well...huh HA!" I look down and [internally die] (http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/rosemary.gif) the price of the small bag of popcorn was $40 dollars.
F-up #3: I laugh nervously and say "oh ill be right back I didn't even see the price there." I walk away and I probably looked like [this] (http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/omgwtf.gif)
[deleted]: I loved this. Immensely. Probably too much in fact.
justpeachy13: At least his cause was helped.
[deleted]: Pretty sure OP didn't buy the popcorn.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1410722604 | 1410751551 | t3_2ge3wm | t5_2to41 | 126 | ncshooter426: TIFU by letting my 7 year old daughter watch the Never Ending Story
So we're cruising Netflix on a rainy Sunday, and I see the Never Ending Story is available. I say "Hey! I haven't seen that since *I* was a kid..." and started telling the kiddo about Falcor the flying dragon and stuff. So, we put it on.
She's enjoying it, calls the rock biter "The rock gorilla" and is overall having a good time. I step out of the room for a second to grab a drink, and then get caught up in a small email thread issue with work.
I hear cries and running from down the hall all the way up stairs, and the slamming of a bedroom door. I go up to check on her, and she's bawling her eyes out. She won't even talk to me. I have no idea what's going on, I can't make out a single word. She's got one of her my little pony stuffed animals clutched so tight her knuckles are white. Then it hits me.
**Artax**
Ar - "Fuck it, I'm going to drown in the mud and ruin everyone's day" - Tax.
Odin's beard...how did I forget? I can now vidly recall how sad I was in the theater seeing him die, and now my animal loving daughter is going ape shit because she just watched him commit suicide.
She's calmed down now, after about 20 minutes or so. I've told her over and over that Artax is ok, and he comes back in the end... but she doesn't want to watch it yet :(
I am not a smart man.
PS: ...those sphinxes...
jorgepal02: I tried to watch this movie again as an adult, and was very disappointed :(
VITALY_CHERN0BYL: As much as it pains me to say it, I had the same experience.
Did you see The Dark Crystal as a kid, I think that one aged way better. I really got a kick out of seeing it again a few months ago. The skeksies were awesome.
TRIAL BY STONE!
Locrian_DM: Yeah, Falcore just looks too fucking stupid now that I'm not 8. I can't watch it again.
thebestaccountant: Falcore looks and talks like he is stoned the entire movie. What would I expect from a luck dragon though?
| 5 | 25.2 | |
1410722389 | 1410752009 | t3_2ge3kl | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking for answers to a homework problem while having le Reddit username be my real name.
So I posted in my major's subreddit two questions that were on our 20 question homework that I could not seem to get.
This class I have has the notorious strict teacher who is known for his constant hard quizzes, and not giving leeway to students on assignments, very black and white.
So going back to my post seeking an answer for it, there were two comments. One comment basically said do your own homework, and another comment was a link to the online homework (simple to find if you copy the text I posted to Reddit), saying that I should ask more specific questions.
Now fast forward to yesterday, Boom, get an email from the Dean's office saying that I am being investigated for academic dishonesty and trying to cheat. Possible consequences range from 0 on the assignment, to being put on academic probation.
tldr; Posted a hw question to Reddit, teacher found it and referred me for academic dishonesty.
What are good ways to fight this?
MyNameIsSkittles: Fight what? You cheated. Now you have to deal with this.
Also who the hell makes their reddit username their real name? That's just calling for shit to happen.
goblinthunder: Goddamit skittles.
| 3 | 0 | |
1410724158 | 1410730267 | t3_2ge6ia | t5_2to41 | 13 | stained-ipad: TIFU by staining my iPad with jizz
TIFU by using my iPad to consume certain media. Since I got myself a MacBook and an iPhone, my iPad has mostly been relegated to a fapmachine. It really is the perfect size for consuming that kind of media, it's handy and light. So, for about a year, I always managed to contain my ejaculations - until today. I found that I must have gotten jizz on my hands and touched the iPad afterwards - its right side is now covered in a gross layer of dried jizz that has sucked into the bezel. Thanks a lot Jony ive.
TL;DR: Covered my iPad in jizz.
rawker86: Jony ive?
like...johnny five? similar to mrs palmer and her five daughters? i'm confused.
JimmySavillegang: Johnny five is alive!
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410726098 | 1410779974 | t3_2ge9to | t5_2to41 | 306 | FlagrantLieBelow: TIFU by showing an entire church a picture of someone's cock and balls.
I made this a throwaway account because I post a lot about my church on my real account and I don't want anybody making any connections.
This morning, like most other Sunday mornings, I found myself at church. We're a modest church in a rural area, the congregation averages between 100 to 150 parishioners depending on the time of year. Since we live in a rural (yet relatively wealthy) area, our church is a technologically well equipped yet extremely fundamental facility.
I volunteer at the church as a media A/V tech; this means I sit at the back of the sanctuary, equipped with a dual monitor computer set-up to signal and queue slides that contain song lyrics, visual aids, and bullet points for the sermon. The program on my main monitor queues a display on my second monitor that also relays the image to the front of the church, which is projected onto a large 20-foot or so screen.
During worship, I was queuing slides for song lyrics and, inbetween my queues, browsing Reddit to fight off the boredom. Keep in mind I had listened through the whole set during the earlier morning rehearsals, so my attention span was waning at an alarming rate. Now, I don't know why in the world this happens to me, but while scrolling /r/all I just open everything. It doesn't matter what the title is, I usually just open the image and read the title afterward. So after queuing a slide, I hopped back onto Reddit, clicked a few links, and one of them was a gif of a guy slamming a woman reverse cowgirl. Both parties had their legs splayed open, meat slapping meat in glorious motion picture, hips gyrating with shameless earnest, and, fearing that anyone would possibly see over my shoulder, I immediately closed out and returned to the slide program.
I look up. On the projector was an image of my desktop. Oh Jesus, no. I must've accidentally exited out of display mode. My heart started beating out of my chest. I just showed an entire room full of little old church ladies a moving picture of some fat dude hotdogging a pornstar. How long was that gif up for? A second? Five seconds? I wanted to vomit. I still want to vomit.
The Assistant pastor confronted me after church and, without even letting me explain, told me I was barred from participating in any aspect of the Sunday morning services until the church elders could have a meeting. The head Pastor spoke with my parents and they are now arranging a porngraphy addiction counseling session for me. Today I really, genuinely fucked up.
fantasyfool: Link to the gif? No reason...
GenocideCobra: Found [this (NSFW)](http://i.imgur.com/IIcveYS.gif) on /r/all and it fits the description.
stilesja: That will do
Razlyk: Pig
| 5 | 61.2 | |
1410727731 | 1410831526 | t3_2gecog | t5_2to41 | 9 | somanywtfs: TIFU - Dropping shit in the wall
Our house has baseboard heating. With the cold coming, and a small daughter, her and I decided to get the heat going for the year. My last day off before back to the cube, and her mom is at work all day leaving us with a 'daddy daughter day', always fun just us home alone.
In order to get the boiler fired up we usually go around to various air wastegate/bleeder screw caps, give them a 1/4 turn, let some air out, done.
Today I was standing on an office chair (the kind that turns), well 1/4 turn became 1/2 turn and the cap went flying. Behind that cap is basically the full pressure of the system backed by the city water, a leak with this type of heating system and city water is a BIG DEAL, you are talking ruining computers walls, floors, every mother fucking thing.
Unfortunately, I seen exactly where the cap went. Right between the block wall of the basement and the insulation. Gone forever without tearing paneling and shit out. All I could do was put my finger over the fucking hole that is shooting water everywhere and ponder was the karma I might get worth the damage.
My 1 y.o. assistant's face shows the same concern. I was on the phone explaining the situation to her mom (who thought it was hilarious). Thankfully mom works very close, as is a hardware that has replacement caps.
There is a shutoff right at the bleeder BUT for those unfamiliar, it is a complete loop. The other shutoff is on the other side of the basement. With that whole section of the loop isolated the pressure is off, I just couldn't get there without sacrificing computers etc. that were nearby.
All in all, we turned both shutoffs and put the new cap on with just some insulation and a drop ceiling tile getting ruined.
[for the laughs](http://imgur.com/a/eB0yQ)
goldfishgraveyard: Well now you know the value if keeping done spares on hand. ..
somanywtfs: yup, went and bought a second pack just to keep around.
Mouler: Just make sure to actually take them with you next time you bleed...
somanywtfs: Or keep them in a drawer the baby can reach!
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1410725039 | 1410744355 | t3_2ge7zn | t5_2to41 | 12 | Catcityusa: TIFU by helping my neighbor break into her house
Today I fucked up by helping my neighbor break into her own house. The night started with my neighbor, my girlfriend, and I going out to some bars for a few drinks. We go out to two or three and then my neighbor realizes that she may have left her keys to her house in her living room and locked the door behind her when she left. We rationalize not going back right away by saying, "well if she is locked out then going to another bar isn't going to hurt." So we continue drinking and make it back home pretty drunk around 2 am. We discover that my neighbor is in fact locked out and there is no way we could possibly get in (windows, back door, etc.). It so happens that her front door has a large, flimsy plexiglass plate that takes up most of the upper half of the door. So we decide to just cut into it and remove it. The reason, by the way, that it is so imperative we get in is that she has a dog and her landlord sucks so he probably wouldn't have gotten around to letting her in for a couple of days. So we begin to cut away at the plexiglass along the frame with a knife from my house. We try to push it out but it doesn't move. I drunkenly decide that a well-placed kick is definitely the solution to our problem. I kick the plexiglass and of course it breaks into many large pieces making a lot of noise. The three of us sit there for a second and appreciate what just happened. We cleaned up the glass and the frame around where the plexiglass was and make plans to help install a new one the next day. Just as we are about to call it a night a police car with its siren on comes speeding up the street. Sure enough two New Orleans police officers jump out of their car, draw their pistols, and aim them in our direction telling us to get on the ground. Apparently one of the neighbors heard the noise and thought we were breaking in. It took my neighbor about 15 minutes to convince the cops that she lived there and the what exactly happened. They let us go and tell us to fix it and don't be so stupid in the future. Overall, great night.
[deleted]: Have you had the thought, "how frequently do I get myself into these situations?"
[ ] once
[ ] twice
[ ] a lot, stopped keeping track
[deleted]: You accidentally a word.
[deleted]: I got it, good one...have an upvote
| 4 | 3 | |
1410728580 | 1410744787 | t3_2gee3y | t5_2to41 | 17 | elitedragon4: TIFU by showing my parents my math test from Friday.
So I'm the average high school Asian kid, and I made an unintended slip up on my math test. It was a measly 0.5 mark off out of 40, but that itself is not a perfect mark, and therefore, was unacceptable. I had forgotten about my mistake until the test was in their hands and at that point, I realized what I had done and I ran like Usain Bolt into my room. My parents rampaged in and gave me a 4 hour lecture repeating over and over about how I should be more careful, be less stupid, work harder, and etc.
TL;DR: I'm Asian, my parents are Asian, and I show them not-perfect math test.
NATAAAAN: You *Doctor* yet?
elitedragon4: Not yet, dad.
***Not yet.***
teiu88: Why not now?!
elitedragon4: My skills are currently inadequate.
\*Braces self\*
teiu88: ...oh, okay
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1410728953 | 1410777841 | t3_2geepd | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my fiance a fake fetish.
So me and my fiance are open sexually. I have told her my kinks and she has told me hers. Keep in mind we're virgins due to waiting until we are married, or so I thought.
I would go from telling her I wanted to do certain things and everyone she would say "I'll do anything as long as it makes you happy" so naturally I pushed the limits and wanted to see what kind of things would make her say "eww no" or straight up "wtf". To my surprise everything I would suggest she would be ok with.
Until I brought up a random kink that I found online. It's not my thing I just thought it had a total WTF factor. It was Furries. The following is what happened and I don't even know what happened.
Me: "babe so you'll let me do *anything*?"
Her: "of course!"
(Getting ready to let her have it) Me: So I've always wanted to tell you my ultimate fetish and now I have enough trust to unleash the beast (heheh). I want to dress you in a rabbit costume and fuck you"
Her eyes fuckung lit up. "Oh my god you're a furrie too?!?"
Me: "...." O.o
She then proceeds tell me that she's been in sexual relations with other furries and she even had videos :(
Guess who is in a motel now piss drunk? This guy. I have to go to work so yeah today is going to suck. This happened yesterday btw.
DivinePrince: Furries are wtf? Oh man, you haven't been on the internet very long.
What about Unbirthing, cock vore, guro, shitting dick nipples, scat, waterspots, baby, etc
cr15py_ch1ck3n: Please explain these
DivinePrince: Oh dear. okay.
Get the mind bleach ready.
Unbirthing is the act of 'swallowing up' a person/furry/whatever through the vagina. hence 'unbirth'.
NSFW WARNING GIF
https://41.media.tumblr.com/2c4f5e86ac2729e5d36cdf41685508ea/tumblr_miue46a2Rj1rq8pjto1_500.jpg
Cock vore is 'swallowing' up a person/furry/ect through the penis. Not sure exactly how- uh, I think it splits in half and acts like a mouth, and/or it goes in through the urethra.
Found a gif.
NSFW WARNING: https://33.media.tumblr.com/dbe1195700885725604e29888de2b73b/tumblr_myovoxwfCF1rjt1ojo1_r1_500.gif
guro is basically gore/ people being killed, burnt, torn apart ect... in a sexual way.
Here's an infamous guro gif.
NSFW WARNING
http://i.imgur.com/UG4us.gif
Shitting Dick Nipples:
i really have no idea what the fuck people are trying to do with this one. It combines scat with putting dicks on different parts of the body, and boobs.
NSWF WARNING
https://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m54tmobLcf1r2cn18o1_1280.jpg
Scat is basically a fetish for poop. Unlike the other ones, people actually do this in REAL LIFE.
NSFW
https://38.media.tumblr.com/10d131b05714dc83affd48e6250699c7/tumblr_nbv4vyUFJj1tevimpo1_500.jpg
Watersports is a fetish for people peeing/ being peed on/ pee in general.
People also will do this in real life.( and honestly, While I dont think I really like it, I dont hate it either. I'm neutral about it. Mostly because as long as you dont drink it, urine is actually pretty sterile.)
NSFW:
https://31.media.tumblr.com/871eb11c9d2d2266f1bfd713fdc2ff5a/tumblr_nbw6f6xQQN1txijlbo1_500.jpg
And Baby, is dressing up like...a baby. And being treated like a baby.
SFW BUT STILL DISTURBING
https://41.media.tumblr.com/f9f5a6aa04af84adefd30cf9766b8180/tumblr_n5sdbewC8z1rl4xw3o1_500.jpg
cr15py_ch1ck3n: Thanks kind stranger. New Trophy unlocked: confused boner to weird fetishes
DivinePrince: lol!~
| 6 | 4 | |
1410730202 | 1410768553 | t3_2gegrq | t5_2to41 | 168 | KingsCounty: TIFU by not properly disposing of my condoms.
I usually wrap my condoms in toilet paper and put them in the garbage under my desk and sometimes forget to take the garbage out.
I also have a dog that for whatever reason loves to eat and chew toilet paper.
I got a call today from my mom saying she just spent 20 mins chasing down my dog in the backyard trying to retrieve "a balloon" that was dangling from his asshole, only to realize after pulling it out with her BARE HANDS that it was in fact one of my dirty used condoms.
Sorry Mom!
SpinningNipples: Why would she touch that with her bare hands...
littospoon: she thought it was a balloon
SpinningNipples: And she touched a balloon hanging from an animal's ass with her bare hands. Who would do that...
martensit: someone who just spent 20min chasing a dog and doesn't want to spent another 20
| 5 | 33.6 | |
1410730688 | 1410731057 | t3_2gehko | t5_2to41 | 8 | Valkrane: TIFU by buying a stranger a beer...
So it's Sunday, the photo shoot I was supposed to go on was canceled and I have nothing better to do, so I decide my apartment could use some cleaning. But first, to fuel my domestic pursuits, I need some caffeine. The gas station is right down the street, nothing would be better now than a nice, cold half sweet/half unsweet ice tea. So I put my iPod on and start walking to the gas station.
Down the street from me there is a house that always has about three rednecks sitting on the porch. When I walk by we always have a casual, friendly exchange. They say hi and wave. I say hi and wave back. A few times they've asked me for a lighter but I don't smoke so I always feel bad for telling them no.
Well today there was an old man with long gray hair sitting there with a younger man who I'm guessing was his son. They looked alike. I walked by, and they asked if I had 50 cents. I told them no, I don't have any cash on me, all I have is my card. This was true. Then they started talking about my shirt (A Bathory shirt.) And that lead into like a half hour discussion about music, specifically Pink Floyd.
Music is something I'm passionate about and I'll talk about it with anyone. So I was truly enjoying the conversation. I would rather be out in the early evening sun talking music than at home cleaning my apartment anyway.
So as I was leaving to head to the gas station, the older one asked me if I could get him a beer. Maybe he was kidding, idk. But people have always told me I am too nice. And he was such a nice... But he was such a pleasant old man, and we just had this good talk about music, so I thought what the hell, and told him I would bring him a beer from the gas station.
So I went to the gas station and on the way back I handed him a tall boy. He told me I made his day and he was so happy. He acted like he was going to shake my hand, when he took my hand he put it up to his mouth like he was going to kiss it. And then... in sloppy, disgusting display, he stuck out his tongue and full on licked my hand! WTF?
I politely said my goodbyes and left.
Eek... I couldn't get home to the hand sanitizer fast enough. Now I'm sitting here worried about what I might catch.
caffeinefueled: yeast infection
Valkrane: Lol... hope not.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410731728 | 1410771852 | t3_2gej8f | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by being forced to listen to my parents have sex.
My story: I am 15, and this was last night. My parents and I had traveled somewhere for a wedding and since the reception was held at a hotel, they decided that we would just spend the night there and head home the next morning. The room had two beds in it so we ended up sharing a room. I left the reception early to head up to our room because I was tired. They got back very late, and I was sleeping (I woke up long enough to know they were back).
I wake up again at around 1 AM to weird whimpering sounds and heavy breathing. I turn over to see what's going on and I see my dad doing my mom. Hard.
What. The. .
Too scared to say anything, I pretended I was still asleep. But I had to listen to everything. And it was not quiet.
Looking back at it, my parents were very drunk that night. Under normal circumstances, they would never have done anything like that.
I have no idea how to deal with this. I feel sick all the time. I can't look my parents in the face.
maltedbacon: They didn't intentionally subject you to any trauma, and although it can be a bit shocking to realize that your parents are passionately sexual creatures, it's actually very healthy, and this is far preferable to any situation where they are no longer attracted to each other.
in very many parts of the world families live together in one room. This would be something that you would have regularly been aware of, and expected to refrain from noticing or commenting on.
The best way to deal with it is to find the humor in it.
ladlpslr: And yet you are dealing with a TIFU story with not even a bit of humor :]
maltedbacon: Damnit. Alright. Point Ladlpslr.
| 4 | 6 | |
1410725641 | 1410738813 | t3_2ge90u | t5_2to41 | 184 | johpick: TIFU by accidentally defrosting ice cubes
So I had an opened bag of ice cubes in the freezer. Just a normal bag, bought in the store with finished ice cubes, no cubeshape.
Yesterday, I wanted to cool down some bottles of booze before heading to a friend. There wasn't enough space in the freezer, so I just moved the cubes to the fridge and said to myself "it's cool in there, too", not giving any thought about them to be melting.
Now my whole fridge is flooded and I have no idea why I did this.
bootsandpearls: Haha, I seriously can't stop laughing right now... Probably because although I have a master's in science this is totally something I would do.
LGM30g: Masters in science? How specific. I happen to have a P.H.D in timey wimey stuff. Oh, and a real life rocket scientist.
bootsandpearls: Oh, the sarcasm. +1 for being a Doctor Who fan though.
| 4 | 46 | |
1410717277 | 1410765484 | t3_2gdv1n | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU By dealing with my psychological issues by having sex with someone who has been through the same stuff
I have a history of childhood sexual abuse, and I started discussing it with a friend with a masters in psychology. She had been through the same thing, and we talked about it for a few hours, then had passionate sex all night. Maybe 7 hours or so. It was great.
The problem is I have a 6 year relationship with a wonderful, challenging person that I know loves me in spite of all my short comings.
She had said on a number of occasions that it's o.k. if I see other people, she just doesn't want to know about it.
I don't feel like I wronged her, but I feel like I shouldn't do that to someone I love.
On the other hand, I got more therapy from this experience than I ever would have from thousands of dollars of therapy.
!?!?!?!?
fucking_web_dev: If you didn't feel you wronged her, you wouldn't have felt the need to tell the world you fucked up. Yes, you wronged her and to be honest, you don't deserve her.
goblinthunder: Why did he wrong her? She said it was 'aight.
fucking_web_dev: If you actually believe it then you don't understand women. Unless she's fucking around, she's not actually going to be ok with it, and probably still not then.
goblinthunder: It's not fair to say something's okay and expect someone not to do it. And it's especially unfair to expect guys to know this.
ladlpslr: Tell me more about women. She said it's not okey, then no, it's not okey. She said it's okey, then no, it's still not okey.
goblinthunder: Okay?
ladlpslr: http://www.drawnfrommybrain.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Okey-Dokey.png
goblinthunder: okey-dokey then, neighbor.
ladlpslr: good bey
goblinthunder: have a great time
| 11 | 2.272727 | |
1410732423 | 1410738842 | t3_2gekd9 | t5_2to41 | 37 | Locrian_DM: TIFU by learning the true definition of "tearing myself a new one"
Last night I was watching a show, sitting on the couch with my wife. My couch is cheap and uncomfortable, so I'm constantly readjusting how I'm sitting. My legs are up with my knees close to my chest and my feet under my ass. A flexible position considering my size (bout the size of Jack Black in weird Al's Tacky video).
I go to readjust again, using my hand to scrootch my undies as I slide my ass downward. Then something....
~riiiiipppp~
Instantly my finger felt wet. I brought it up and saw blood. Calmly, I stopped the show and asked my wife to assist. Her sharp intake of breath said it all.. I had quite literally tore my ass at the seam. Right where the asscheek meets my leg, about 2 inches from my taint, is what can only be described as a perfect tear in my ass. Its like a paper cut, but only if you used a lid of a can to do it.
We did some first aid and bandaged it up. There's no more bleeding, but if it isn't closed in the morning I'm going to get it looked at. The cut is just under an inch long, so it's kinda small, but FUCK ME my ass KILLS right now.
Reddit... Today I tore myself a new asshole.
TL;DR - I don't want to give you one. Please read the whole thing so that you know this can actually happen and avoid it. That being said...
TL;DR - I ripped my ass, but not in a fun way. Now I can't walk right.
Edit - minor spelling issues.
Update - it closed up and now just feels like a paper cut. A little uncomfortable, but I don't have bleeding anymore.
MonarchGod: Go on with your kinky ass Couch, last time I fucked with you, I didn't shit right for a week!
Locrian_DM: Cmon now baby, you know you like Willy! I'll even wear the suit!
MonarchGod: I've fucked a lot of fat chicks in my day but, I've never fornicated anyone!
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1410734280 | 1410804959 | t3_2genaq | t5_2to41 | 10 | Soupynorman: TIFU by scratching the shit out of my new car
My driveway isnt that wide, a brick pillar either side...any lapse in concentration will lead to bad stuff.
I reversed in, concentrated too much on one side...yes, cars have two sides.
Fuck it anyway, was having such a good day. Going to costs 100's to get repaired.
caffeinefueled: post pictures, hopefully the scratches aren't too deep and might be buff-able
Soupynorman: Dont think they're buffable http://i.imgur.com/VSdzlJl.jpg
caffeinefueled: unfortunately deeper than I hoped
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1410733203 | 1410885064 | t3_2gellu | t5_2to41 | 25 | codesimmian: TIFU by sending a dick pic to my wife's cousin.
Actually it was yesterday but anyways:
I upset her [edit: my wife] last week by finally telling her that I was a porn actor for a few years before we met and got married. I spent a night on the couch and she said she understood I am not the man I used to be. She still hasn't let me touch her.
When we met she was dating a guy named Tyler L. He's an asshole. After she dumped him he kept calling her asking for a booty call. When she started dating me he kept trying to get her to cheat on me but every time he'd text, call or email her she would forward me the message and say pathetic. I'm not the jealous type but you can see why I would treat him as a threat.
As much as I'd like to see this guy disappear from my reality he remains friends with my wife's best friend. She's got a high tolerance for assholes I guess.
I now know my wife blocked him on Facebook years ago and he seemed to get the hint at that time.
Yesterday, I see this text from Tyler L. and it said, "What are you doing? I'm going to be in town for a few days maybe we can see each other." I see the text and the name and I'm thinking maybe I pissed my wife off enough she's thinking of having an affair just to get back at me. Even if she isn't thinking of it, I'm tired of this prick it's been 12 years, give the fuck up. So I reply back, "Sorry ____ is busy with me. [nice hard dick pick]"
Turns out I need reading glasses and some counseling for my trust issues because I sent a very graphic reply to my wife's cousin Tyla L.
[edit] I should mention that I don't know all my wife's cousins ages and I'm terrified to ask how old she is.
[edit: Update] I've been hiding in my office, I deleted the message off my wife's phone and sent another with an apology and my phone number. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.
[Edit: Update I told her]
Update: I told her, it went like this.
Me: Remember when I asked you the last time you heard from Tyler.
Her: Yeah, why.
Me: I thought you got another unsolicited text from him so I sent him a dick pick and a note that you were busy.
Her: OMG, serves him right. What did he say?
Me: It was Tyla not Tyler.
Her: What... very long pause. Are you fucking stupid?
Me: Yes, I am fucking stupid. I was going to try to hide it but I don't want to.
Her: Hide it how?
Me: I deleted the texts from your phone and sent her an apology and asked her to delete it.
Her: And what did she say?
Me: I don't know she hasn't responded.
Her: What the fuck were you thinking?
Me: I then explained, exactly what the fuck I was thinking. I apologized to my wife and told her I would get help and asked if she was going to divorce me.
Her: And miss all this fun? Get the fuck out, I'll call her, poor girls probably traumatized.
Me: How old is she?
Her: 23
Hurray, I don't have to worry about any charges for exposing myself to a minor.
[Update]
I am either lucky as fuck or being set up:
(http://imgur.com/TRy3Y0J) and my wife asked if I wanted to have sex tonight because, "obviously if you go to long you actually get dumber."
I am not this lucky, someone is going to die.
[update] rephrase that: I am not this luck, Karma is going to kill someone. I am not going to kill anyone.
[update]
I need to talk to my wife seriously.
(http://imgur.com/9ZU3y53), (http://imgur.com/8fjRl4p)
[update]
How do I move this out of Today I Fucked Up, to Today was Fucked Up?
[update] Need to cross link this to Epic Win.
My wife gave me the green light on Tyla. I'm gonna tear that poor girls pussy up. Turns out that family can't keep a fucking secret. I thought the fact I fucked my wife's little sister was a secret, both my wife and Tyla know about it.
Baresark: Duuuuude... if you weren't in the doghouse before, you certainly will be now!
Can we get updates on this and how it pans out?
Also, I can see how its hard for your wife. Who's the most famous porn star you were with? Then look at it from the angle that your wife may always compare herself to those from your past. Maybe.
codesimmian: I honestly don't know who was the most famous one I was with on screen. I was popular because I looked under age, I worked with either new talent that also looked under age or older ones. I remember one girl who seemed to be treated better than most my co-stars, it was a mom-son shoot, I didn't like them because they usually partnered me with someone who actually reminded me of my mom.
Anyways, her name was Claire with an accent mark on the e, I don't know if that was her stage name or her real name but that's what they marked her stuff with.
Baresark: Interesting.
Thanks for the reply and all the updates, dude.
Tyla sounds like an... interesting girl
codesimmian: Yeah she wants to get back at her BF or EX not sure which. She's a cute girl but she just wants to blow me. If I'm going to use a hall pass I probably shouldn't do it with someone I'm going to see face to face with my wife at family gatherings. Her family is stressful enough.
Edit typo
Baresark: Wow. Pretty keen of her though. Keep that one for the bank!
codesimmian: She's really cute. I'm tempted to just text her my counter offer, "why don't you let me fuck you so hard you'll limp for a week.". I can film it and she can tell her BF let's watch porn while we fuck then turn that on and say, woops wrong video.
Baresark: Do it. Then send me a link and I'll subscribe haha
| 8 | 3.125 | |
1410734663 | 1410736950 | t3_2genwh | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting the wrong hotel room key.
My job requires me to be out of town and on the road for five weeks at a time. Because of that my company pays for me and my crew to stay at a hotel. Today was just another weekend. Wrapping up laundry, procrastinating doing the mountain of dishes built up in the sink. I rolled outside to burn a quick bit of tree and enjoy the sunset when suddenly I realize I forgot my key in my room. (Happens all the time, I wasn't surprised.) I got up to the lobby, committed to the current [7] I was riding out, and requested a key to my room. I utter out the wrong room number and she gladly hands me the key. I speed up the stairs to go finish watching anchorman and my last bit of chores when I slip my key in the door and swing the door open to find my colleague who is apart of upper management engaging in intercourse with a fellow colleague who is just a minimum wage hand. We are all men. My manager just got married last weekend and now I find him in this. Tomorrow is going to be awkward.
murderouspanda00: so you not only said the wrong number, but ran to the wrong number room as well?
MortalComcast: Sounds legit
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410736049 | 1410760950 | t3_2gepyu | t5_2to41 | 119 | fiber_one_happened: TIFU and destroyed Toys R Us **NSFW**
fiber_one_happened: I'm seriously considering going back and giving someone a bunch of money. They had nothing for me to clean it with. I don't want to get poop all over my hands and them my car. I also just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.
EDIT: How much.money is that worth?
ZenConure: $50, at least. I mean, it's human shit...
fiber_one_happened: That's what I was thinking. Thanks. I really do feel horrible.
ZenConure: The trouble will be getting it to the right person instead of having the first employee pocket it. You'll have to come clean and ask who cleaned it before bringing up money.
fiber_one_happened: My kid is taking $60 up there now. She is a bad ass. She'll make sure it gets in the right hands.
ZenConure: You're a good man.
fiber_one_happened: Check the OP for update.
el_crunz: The story is removed now! What happened? Please.
| 9 | 13.222222 | |
1410734968 | 1410738262 | t3_2geocy | t5_2to41 | 10 | Tysonus: TIFU by playing poker
I was at the casino tonight playing progressive Texas hold em. Its essentially Texas hold em, but playing only against the dealer. There's the option of a jackpot bet, which costs $5. Jackpot wins if you make particular hands on the flop.
Jackpot wins:
Flush $500
Full House $1000
4 of a Kind $2500
Straight Flush 10%
Royal flush 100%
The percentages are of the number on the screen. At this point, it was about $434,000.
Now, I normally play the jackpot, if I have enough chips. This time I didn't, so I played the box without betting on jackpot. I was dealt 3 and 6 of clubs.
Out comes the flop. I saw three clubs. FUCK! I just missed out on $500. On closer inspection, the flop was 4,5,7 of clubs. I had a straight flush on the flop. If I'd put the $5 down like I usually do, I would've won $43,000. But I didn't.
TIFU...
clayandstone: if Frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.
Tysonus: Just that I've NEVER seen a straight flush dealt, and it would just so happen that it happens on one of the few times I don't place the bet :(
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410738188 | 1410743275 | t3_2get8a | t5_2to41 | 24 | gfssthrowaway: TIFU by telling my friend that I want a girlfriend.
I recently got out of a long relationship. I am a female, I was with a guy. My friend is a female as well. We're both bisexual.
Basically, I told her about how the guy I had been talking to probably only wanted to have sex with me and that's most likely why he stopped talking to me after I stopped sending him nudes. So then I was like "Fuck this, fuck asshole guys, I want a girlfriend."
My friend joked around about how she is boyfriend material, minus the penis. I laughed nervously because I knew where she was heading with this, but I really wasn't trying to lead her on or anything. So then she said "We're dating now," and I was just kinda like "Haha, I didn't agree to that!" Trying to joke about it while also letting her know I don't want that.
There's nothing wrong with her, she's just not exactly the type of person I would date. She is into BDSM and is kinda hardcore for me, and she isn't exactly the body type that I'm attracted to, her breasts are larger than I like.
I don't want to hurt her feelings or anything because I've known her forever and I know how often she gets rejected. I feel bad for saying no to her, so I don't know what to say to her, but I don't want to be in a relationship that I don't fully agree to.
TL;DR Told my bisexual friend that I want a girlfriend, she joked about being "boyfriend" material, then said we were now dating. Don't know how to let her down easy.
GerrardsClaw: You are sending a guy nudes and you worry all he wants is sex? What are you, 14? As for your "problem", just fucking tell her, not that hard.
CrunchyBunches: omg, but that's, lyk, the adult thing 2 do!!1
| 3 | 8 | |
1410738722 | 1410740240 | t3_2geu2w | t5_2to41 | 16 | itisapersonalmatter: TIFU by masturbating too furiously
Ok how do I start this..
This has been more of a regular problem for me and I'm not actually certain on what to do. Back to the story, So being the horny young person I am, and being single I like to get frisky every now and again...ok almost everyday. This can be anywhere in the day. Morning, afternoon or evening.
But what my problem is that I tend to get a bit too into it with my sick fantasies along with the pictures / video I'm looking at and start to gradually get a bit rough on myself and the little fella and a couple times I have actually damaged my foreskin. But over time it has gradually gotten worse and worse.
Sort of off topic, but the other day I was just browsing pictures on the internets for about an hour and a half with a constant boner regularly, and most likely, damaging and stretching / hurting my skin..but I've lasted longer than I ever have before, so I have that going for me, which is nice.
So as of now, I have not been able to stretch my foreskin over the head for about a year and therefore have not properly cleaned deep for ages. If you look down at the skin you get a pleasant surprise of seeing an overgrown skin at the tip due to the skin growing thicker to prevent more damage and a lovely few millimetre wide gap for me to pee and well...you know...pleasure myself through.
It looks like a wrinkled lip in the shape of someone trying to kiss you with a slightly brighter shade of the inside of a flower where the extra skin is. Now picture that on a set of balls and a sack. You're welcome for that image in your head by the way.
So now I'm tied with the option of either trying to gradually stretch this overgrown thick skin or actually go the doctors and see if they know what to do.
TL:DR - got too horny in sad single session over the years and made my skin too tight to stretch more than a few millimetres. Don't know whether to try and stretch or go to doctors. Fuck.
djent_gent: We need to get you one of those cones dogs receive after they're neutered, and slap that bad boy around your package until your junk heals up. You beautiful, disgusting bastard you.
itisapersonalmatter: I'm not sure how to reply to that?
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1410739135 | 1410808531 | t3_2geuq7 | t5_2to41 | 54 | AxRandomxMoment: TIFU by not realizing a cute girl was hitting on me... multiple times.
TL;DR Girl I had a huge crush on flirts with me throughout my entire senior year and I never notice.
Ok so like most TIFUs, this happened a while ago but I was recently inspired by another TIFU to write about my experience.
So during my junior year of high school, in my biology class, there was this super cute girl who sat relatively close to me. We'll call her Ana. Without exaggerating, she had the most beautiful face I had ever seen on a girl. Honestly, I found her face utterly captivating. She wasn't very curvy (really skinny actually), but her face made up for that.
Anyway, she didn't talk much in that class, and sometimes skipped or left to another class when she could, so I never really got a chance to talk to her.
Fast forward a year, and there she is in my Statistics class. However, this year there where loads of hot chicks in all of my classes, so I was a bit distracted. I did talk to her every now and again, but I didn't really pursue her.
One particular Friday, I had to dress in a full business suit for my business class. I figured I'd use the opportunity to dress really sharp and break some necks. I put on my best suit and tie combo and went to school that day. I had received a couple casual compliments, but when I got home that day I was a bit disappointed that I didn't really get the results I expected.
The next day of class was a Tuesday since Monday was a holiday. So at the end of my Stats class, I was just sitting next to my friend James and talking crap. Without my noticing, Ana gets up from her seat and walks straight toward me. We're not close friends, so she never went out of her way to talk to me before.
"Hey AxRandomxMoment," she says smiling.
"Hey Ana, what's up?" I reply casually.
"Oh I just wanted to say you looked really nice last class in your suit."
"Oh really? Thanks, I appreciate that." Then, I turned back around and starting taking to James again. I noticed that she stayed standing there for a few seconds after I abruptly ended our conversation.
A few weeks later, I was talking to another female friend (Jessica) in the same class. She brought up how I had let my beard grow out (I usually have a clean shave), and asked why. I told her I had just been too lazy to shave, but would probably shave it by next class. Suddenly, Ana, who was sitting behind Jessica, jumps into the conversation saying "No, don't shave it! It looks really good on you, you should keep it like that." I respond with "Eh, I'll think about it," and went back to back to working.
Things like this kept happening for the rest of the year, and I never realized she was flirting with me. That is, until I graduated.
Teotwawki69: Ironically, your nonchalance toward her is probably what made her keep pursuing you.
AxRandomxMoment: Yea I tend to be smooth with girls whenever I don't try.
TheRealMcCoy95: Ask her out now, perfect time.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1410740920 | 1410797351 | t3_2gexhi | t5_2to41 | 7 | sekathon: TIFU by shitting the bed
There really isn't much else to say, I go to bed needing a shit and my body wakes up in the middle of the night so I could go and relieve myself but I had a job interview today so I needed my sleep so I just ignored it. I wake up today an and my dick, my legs, my stomach, an entire patch around me is absolutely covered in my own piss and shit. Didn't even realise until my girlfriend screams when she goes to give me my morning blowjob, very awkward.
Moral of the story:
Shit>Sleep
Bradthedutch: The only good part of this story is "my morning blowjob." You are a lucky man.
sekathon: What do you mean? Don't we all get them? Wow.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410739714 | 1410799165 | t3_2gevnf | t5_2to41 | 6 | protrudingfalace: TIFU By wearing the wrong pants [NSFW]
So a few plugs before I start; Throw away cuz you know. Long time lurker first time poster, etc.
It all started when I got my new pair of bright white cargo shorts. It was the middle of my first semester in grade 11 at high school when my new shorts lost the button above the zipper. I always wear a leather belt so it didn't really matter to me, I wore them anyway. I then decided to wear a pair of baggy boxers, the kinds that have an opening at the front with a button keeping it closed. Basically a shorter version of [this](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41elJKY3obL._SX342_.jpg)... Big mistake...
Now a little context on my commute from my car to my locker. It's about 150 feet from my car to the side doors of my school. I then have to walk another 150 feet from those doors to the staircase. As soon as you walk into the building, you have to push you're way through 1000 students and their axe body spray to get to the stairs located at the centre of the school. It's a horrible cluster fuck until you finally get to the third floor which isn't as crowded. Most people I know are on the third floor because that is where most of my grade's classes are. After pushing through those 1000 students, reaching the third floor, and pushing through another 500 students, I finally make it to my locker.
I made my commute, greeted like 5 people along the way and opened my locker. As the wind passes me from the swinging metal door, I experience a chill breeze where I'm not accustom to. I look down and to my horror I see my zipper wide open, my boxers also wide open, with my 'huge' obvious phallus sitting there like it had opened the curtains for a show. My butt hole puckers and I nearly scream, zipping up my pants and trying to figure out how I could have possibly walked 400 feet, up 6 flights of stairs, and through 1500 people without noticing my dick was on display the whole time. The lack of a button on my shorts caused the zipper to drop. I also just had shit luck on the boxers. No one ever spoke of it, not even the few I greeted. I either horrified everyone or they just didn't notice. I stopped wearing those shorts.
(TL;DR) I walked over 400ft, up 6 flights of stairs, and passed 1500 people while my dick was on display for everyone to see at my high school.
le_mous: Phallus.
I think the word you used actually described your genitalia as deceitful or deceptive.
protrudingfalace: Fuck...
[deleted]: Phallus = erect penis.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410742035 | 1410817077 | t3_2gez63 | t5_2to41 | 2 | rexjenkins: TIFU by getting caught in a stall at a nightclub with another guy.
rabbitfoot409: holy fuck this is crap! waaaay to long, and this definitely belongs in another subreddit? This is just a pissed off gay dudes rant. Jesus man
rexjenkins: Lol, thanks for reading :)
rabbitfoot409: reading what? i didn't read that shit. there is nothing there
rexjenkins: Than thanks for not reading, but taking the time to post *shrug*
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1410741143 | 1410840964 | t3_2gexts | t5_2to41 | 32 | paintedcones: TIFU by flushing twice.
About 45 min ago, I decided that I wanted to take a nice leisurely poop. Sadly, my girlfriend didn't change out the toilet paper, and I had to waddle over to get some more. Naturally, this caused a little bit of smearing, and I had to use a little extra toilet paper.
I clogged the toilet.
I haven't bought a plunger yet. (it's a new apartment)
Figured I'd just go ahead and flush once more to see if it'd all go down, so I could avoid telling my roommates I'd clogged the toilet.
Next thing I know, the floor is covered in water, and I had to run out of the bathroom for paper towels, since we don't have a mop. Now I'm being shamed by my roommates for flooding our bathroom, my shower mat is soaked, and I'm out two rolls of toilet paper.
Spitalian: One thing I've learned is to never overestimate the amount of toilet paper you can flush down.
GimmickNG: Or just use water to clean your ass, like 75% of the world does anyway
Spitalian: That's not really possible since I don't own a bidet and I live in the US where no one owns a bidet.
GimmickNG: Excuses, excuses! I don't have a bidet either; when it comes time to clean ass, I fill up quarter a bucket and use a mug. Not a lot of water is required, and you'd be lying if you said there were no mugs available in the US of A.
In NZ I came close to this situation (using TP the meanwhile) but I found a measuring / graduated mug in a chinese store.
(And no I didn't use that mug for anything else, even though there'd have been no problem in doing so...)
paintedcones: Wait what??
GimmickNG: ?
| 7 | 4.571429 | |
1410743707 | 1410744678 | t3_2gf1sw | t5_2to41 | 18 | kirisafar: TIFU by losing my passport before boarding a cruise with my family who I haven't seen in ages.
Hi there, I'm a Mexican visiting Miami for a cruise trip with my family whom I haven't seen in years due to living in New Zealand. Leaving the hotel I did a quick search for my passport and couldn't find it. I managed to convince them to leave without me as all of them (parents and my sister's family) traveled from Mexico to be all together on holiday.
I'm used to be by myself but seeing my mom heartbroken was very sad. Anybody who could help me out?
kirisafar: I flew from LAX to Miami so I had to have lost it either on the plane or at the airport.
camopdude: http://www.google.com/search?q=what+to+do+if+you+lost+your+passport&source=lnms&sa=X&ei=HD4WVK-QEIWtyASspIHoCg&ved=0CAQQ_AU
kirisafar: Yeah, that's for US passports. I am a Mexican living in NZ on holiday in USA.
camopdude: Call the Mexican consulate.
kirisafar: I did, I'm going early morning. I was just wishing somebody could help me find my passport. Reddit sometimes work in mysterious ways.
camopdude: Good luck with that.
kirisafar: Thanks man. =}
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1410743875 | 1410744995 | t3_2gf21l | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by squashing my cat
This happened not half an hour ago.
I was taking a bag of shredded paper downstairs to the recycle when I passed by my cat sleeping peacefully on the couch. My first thought was, "hey, I wonder what would happen if I lowered this trash bag full of shredded paper onto this cat." My intention was to lower the heavy bag slowly until the cat reacted by squirming or squeaking or something.
Boy did I get what I was asking for.
As I started lowering the bag, and the cat didn't do anything except wake up and flick it's ears. Boring. So I kept lowering the bag until the the cat was bearing the full weight of this kitchen-sized trash bag full of shredded paper. This is when things started to go wrong.
First, I heard that squelching stomach sound that cats make when they are about to throw up. Uh oh. I pulled the bag off of the cat, but it was too late. The cat kinda sat up a little and just tossed it's cookies all over the couch and the blanket it was sleeping on. Great.
Moral of the story: Don't squash your cat.
TL;DR: Squashed my cat, cat puked all over the couch.
thatgirlcray: Really glad this story didn't end with you crushing your cat to death...that's honestly where I thought this was going.
[deleted]: Haha yeah no that would have been bad. Probably illegal too, animal cruelty and all that.
The bag wasn't that heavy though, just enough to make it puke apparently.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410743312 | 1410759764 | t3_2gf17k | t5_2to41 | 6 | NauseatedBison: TIFU by burning incense.
I have asthma and knew absolutely nothing about incense. Pretty much smoked myself out of my own home.
benes_the_menace: Oh dear. I suppose I shouldn't be laughing...are you OK?
Love the username btw.
NauseatedBison: Yeah I'm fine now. The only thing hurt is my pride. Thanks for the compliment!
| 3 | 2 | |
1410768098 | 1410840454 | t3_2gewq7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | BadSpellingAdvice: Everyone does it. It's sterile anyways. Be glad it is in the pool and there is chlorine. I've heard stories of swim teams collectively peeing on the deck.
Madisonsavenue_: I'm a swimmer. Can confirm we do pee in the pool and sometimes on the pool deck
BadSpellingAdvice: Swimmer too...I just never wanted to pee on the deck. Yet I never had a problem putting pool water in my mouth and spitting it at people.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410742501 | 1411065924 | t3_2gezw6 | t5_2to41 | 56 | Manbearphoenix: TIFU by eating a cockroach
Yeah of course this didn't happen today. This happened about 5 years ago in Tokyo, Japan.
So while in Japan I had a pretty irrational fear of cockroaches(didn't stay irrational for long). And since I stayed with my grandparents in a small small apartment there were always cockroaches running around and I'd pretty much freak out and jump a little bit when i see one. My mom bought a small rubber cockroach to prank me while I was sleeping. I woke up and saw a freaking huge cockroach on my face and flipped my shit. Then I figured out it was fake and got real pissed. Then for the next few weeks they kept doing this for me and since my natural instincts told me to flip my shit that's what happened pretty much every time... Then one day I wake up in the morning and I see something resting on my chin and I finally had enough of this shit and since my mouth moved a bit it fell into my mouth.... Me being a dumbass and thinking it was fake Just to prove a point I bit the damn thing in half and spat it out. Right away I realized that was not rubber and that in panic I swallowed one half. The other half was squirming on the floor and I proceeded to scream like a girl and run to the bathroom and try to puke that shit out. Wow was I freaking out and my family didn't understand what the hell was wrong with me until I gave up trying to puke and they asked me what was wrong. I then point to the floor where there's a little half cockroach still moving (they still move even when bit in fucking half) and they just start laughing because they're all assholes. I didn't get sick surprisingly or anything and not my irrational fear of cockroaches is multiplied so much and now when I sleep I have to cover my fucking mouth in a bandana or blanket so I feel like I'm not gonna swallow another cockroach and die....
TL;DR : Tried to assert dominance over practical jokers by biting a rubber cockroach in half, and it ended up being real.
EatsWithChopsticks: How do you swallow something in panic?
Spit out something in panic, sure. But swallow something? Especially something as big as half a cockroach? Here they're as big as your thumb. I'd have to chew that thing for a few seconds before being able to swallow it at all.
That seems like a very deliberate and conscious thing to do.
Manbearphoenix: I spit out one half and i kinda gagged and swallowed the other half. It wasn't really "half" but more of just the head of the cockroach. I died inside.
EatsWithChopsticks: It did too, I suppose.
Manbearphoenix: I think it died everywhere.
EatsWithChopsticks: When they die, they usually do so all over the place, yeah.
| 6 | 9.333333 |
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