start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1410747001 | 1410750960 | t3_2gf6wm | t5_2to41 | 35 | TheBulletMa9net: TIFU by trying on condoms
After dealing with the embarrassment of buying condoms, naturally, I tried one on to see if it was the right size. So I was sitting on my bed, door closed, ears open in case my mom were to come in. Lucky for me they were a perfect fit.
Just then I hear footsteps coming through the hall, I'm prepared for this. Fast as lightning; got the condom off, into it's wrapper, in the nearby bin, tucked and zipped my manhood back in, put the test condom on the bottom of the trash out of sight, straight up ninja. They were just passing by my room to go downstairs but it doesn't hurt to be careful. I put one in a side pocket of my wallet and carried on with my day.
Later that day, my best friend, his girlfriend, and a particularly attractive French foreign exchange student that was staying at her house, had gone go-karting and then to a nearby restaurant to eat. After a little while I needed to use the bathroom, I get up and go. I step into a stall, unzip and begin to answer the call of nature. To my dismay, I had forgotten to wipe the lubricant residue after trying on the condom. So my stream split into four; of which, none of them went forward. It hit my shoe, my hand, my pants, and the floor. Immediate panic pinch. I grab nearby tp and wipe myself and my surroundings, and assess the damage, nothing major thankfully. I figure she won't notice my shoes but I had to do something about the spot on my pants. There is a hand dryer and towel dispenser combo on the wall, so I used both at the same time.
So I'm leaning there, crotch out forward with one hand funneling air and making sure the blow dryer stayed on and the other holding a paper towel to help dry. Just my fucking luck, another dude walks in, sees me, pauses and continues into the stalls. I just want this day to end. I figure the spot is relatively gone, I was up and leave. Nobody noticed a thing, well apart from that one guy.
Happy birthday to me.
TL;DR: I tried on condoms and didn't wipe off afterwards, ended up pissing on myself. Which lead to an awkward meeting in the bathroom.
WWLadyDeadpool: Quick protip: it's not a great idea to keep your condom in your wallet. It's a bit too warm and they become more likely to break.
murderouspanda00: Quick protip 2, son of protip: Condoms can also be used to make animal balloons if you're in a pinch.
WWLadyDeadpool: The mouth is somewhat wide, and they taste horrible, but the lubrication might make some balloon animals easier.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1410745407 | 1410748486 | t3_2gf4dr | t5_2to41 | 3 | pcgamernoob: TIFU: by deleting all my files
Today I fucked up by deleting all my files on my pc. I copied them from my SSD to put them on my hard drive. I then deleted my files on the SSD but it deleted all of them. I then tried to restore from previos version it didnt work. I tried to reset my PC it wouldn't let me because files were missing. Finally I restored to the very first previous version I could. Now I put in my microsoft password and it loads but won't start and asks me to do it again.
chokemo_girls: At least it is an easy fix.
pcgamernoob: I haven't fixed it yet
| 3 | 1 | |
1410747918 | 1410753348 | t3_2gf8at | t5_2to41 | 47 | Phillyfan10: TIFU by forgetting to mute my phone in church
Today's service started like any other day. My family is in church, and were singing the hymns and prayers and all that. I keep my phone on in church because I often receive important work emails and texts, even on Sundays, but I always silence it, for obvious reasons. Today we were running late, and I forgot to silence my phone. Big mistake. My phone goes off during the middle of a silent prayer. Normally, this would be annoying and a big mistake, but nothing too serious, but just wait, this story gets better. My buddy Chunky decides to give me a ring to see where we were watching the games today, and who was grabbing the beer and snacks. I have a specific ringtone just for when Chunky calls, and it just so happens to be the "mulatto butt" ringtone from Archer, because of an inside joke. The entire congregation went silent and the old ladies in the pew behind us looked at me like I had 4 heads and flames shooting out of my ass as I fumbled for my phone trying to end the call. My wife said she has never been so embarrassed, and even already talked about transferring churches out of embarrassment. Today, I fucked up...
ReferenceMaster: When I read the thread title my first thought was man it would be awesome if his ringtone was Mulatto Butts.
Wolfman92xx: Me too! I read the title and started singing the beginning of Mulatto Butts to myself... I busted up laughing when I read that's what happened.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1410746260 | 1410748889 | t3_2gf5qf | t5_2to41 | 6 | Animela: TIFU by not Vaccuming
Technically this was yesterday but I didn't find out half of it until Today.
_____
So I have this deal with the older woman I live with because of my Fiance(His mother) where I have to Vaccum every day in order to live there since I cannot pay her rent(No Job and no one around here is hiring). I do a lot of other things but Vaccuming is what we agreed on.
So Two days ago we decided to take our Son(Fiance's from another Woman) to the park to burn off Energy because he's been a bit overactive and has been getting into trouble like a dog that hasn't been walked in a while. On the walk home it started Raining. I have this issue with Scoliosis in the T9 vertebrae area of my spine(It's missing its processes) so when it rains my back starts hurting. By the time we got home my back was in a tremendous pain, my right hip was shooting Pain down into my knee and I could barely sit upright without back support let alone push around a big purple Dyson vacuum. As a result, I couldn't vaccum and ended up not doing it. I probably should have asked my Fiance to do it for me just this once but I couldn't really think straight.
So YESTERDAY morning his mother started ranting about how I didn't do the vacuuming and because Pain isn't an excuse to not vaccum(even though she can't do housework because of her knees, which is why I do it) she and her Son got into a verbal spat which resulted in me getting yelled at by her for 2 hours while I was doing online work to go and call my own Mother to come and get me, I was geting kicked out. She also had a very long string of choice words that I would prefer not to write here.
Eventually I finish the online work I was doing(I'm working on a spriting contract at the moment so I submit an average of 8 sprites a day) and get told by my Fiance's Father that I need to go downstairs and pack. I assume this means I need to call my mother to come get me so I grab the phone and head downstairs. In reality he wanted me to go downtairs so that he could try and convince her to stop trying to kick me out over this one instance.
Anyways I call my mother: "Hi Mom!" annnnd imediately break down. "Guess what? I'm getting kicked out!". It's been really stressful here because his mother isn't exactly the most agreeable person in the world so having to call and admit that to my own? It didn't really take much.
Unfortunately I'm blubbering almost the entire time but manage to explain the situation, get off the phone with her, go to do some of the other housework and get a call from my Father because apparnetly she'd called him asking if he could send money for Gas to come pick me up. They divorced when I was 8 so he lives almost the opposite side of the country but he's helpful on most occasions for these types of things. I explain what's going on, including whymy Fiance's Father had sent me downstairs and since I do want to stay here for my Fiance and Son we agree that he doesn't need to send money for the gas to come pick me up since the situation was fixed. My sister's on the otherend because he'd added me to their call via a conferance feature on his phone so she tells everyone else in the house she's at and that's all good. So we all hang up and I head off for the rest of my day, still stressed but relieved.
Sadly I forgot that I couldn't trust the rest of my family with something like this so things continued on elsewhere.
To quickly explain, my mother and sister lived with her brother and his wife and have been doing so since an accident that happened a couple years ago. My mother mentally cannot live without another adult in the house so this is good. However my mother and my uncle's Wife do not get along and my cousin and my sister do not get along, so this is bad and my call is what resparked the situation.
Now I don't have the full situation because I got these details from a former Employer of mine/family friend over a phone call today but I can give what he gave me.
So according to him and the story my sister gave him(Playing childhood telephone so let's hope this is accurate) My aunt started making rude comments about me to the rest of the household because I'd called needing a ride out of here and about my Dad because he wasn't sending the money afterall even though they had the new situation explained to them. This of course pissed my mother off, who was washing dishes at the time. So due to bad anger management skills she threw the food contianer she was holding at the time in a random direction. Just as she threw it, my sister stepped out of the hallway after using the restroom and get hit in the face with said Container.
My aunt, obviously still not liking my mother, uses this as an excuse the call 911 saying my sister had something purposely thrown at her by my mother even though it was an accident(Though she shouldn't be throwing things) and it didn't leave any marks.
This still results in a couple different things.
For starters my Mother has gone to Jail. I have not been told a time to which she'll be getting out.
Secondly, my Sister is now at said Family Friend/Former Eployer's house, who called me. However they cannot take her for too long so in the morning he's going to be getting in contact with my Mom's older Sister (My Aunt Eve) and is going to see if she'll take my sister. If she can't, my sister will be going back into Foster Care. I really hope not because that system sucked.
Third this still affects me because in October, me, my mother, and my Fiance were going to move back to my Hometown so my Fiance and I could look for Jobs in that area because their local work force is current dying off (I'm sorry old people!) and the graduates have been leaving for college/bigger citties so it's being depleted which is good for job hunters at the moment. However if my mother isn't going to be able to go then we won't be able to make the trip and I'm pretty much screwed unless I can find a friend who hasn't managed to leave the area yet/has moved back, that I can crash with until we can live on our own.
_______
TL;DR
I couldn't vaccum, got in trouble, had to call to get a ride. Aunt made remarks, Mother got pissed and now all plans have pretty much be screwed up the butt. FML
On the bright Side I don't have to call home next time I get kicked out, I just get to go live on the streets/in the woods. At least I know how to survive... =/
samestuff: Sorry things suck for you right now, could look into emergency housing if they have that in your area.
Animela: Yeah I'll see if I can't do a bit of research on that while I can in case I do have to look into it. Thank you for reminding me of that option.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410742013 | 1410851706 | t3_2gez4z | t5_2to41 | 27 | accidental_pedo: TIFU by grabbing my cousin's leg
Throwaway for reasons that will soon be clear.
Today I went to dinner with my mom, and we met up with her brother, and his family. He and my aunt have two kids, both boys. One is 7 (we'll call him G), and the other is 9 (we'll call him R). I'm 18, and holy shit did I fuck up.
So we're sitting in a restaurant, and I'm sitting in between G and R. I like to mess with them and make them laugh, so I'll randomly poke them or tickle them or whatever. Both of them are obviously bored, so I start telling them corny jokes that they think are hilarious. I'm poking and tickling G, when R starts being moody. So I start telling him jokes and stuff, trying to cheer him up. I go to lightly squeeze his knee under the table.
This I where I fuck up. I went too far, and ended up grabbing his dick. Holy. Shit. I didn't realize what I had done until he smacked my hand and looked at me like "what in the fuck". Now, I'm one of those people who laugh when they're embarrassed. So I look him straight in the eye and smile and start giggling. Seriously, what the fuck is even wrong with me. It's been a few hours, and they since left to go home. But I'm terrified I'm going to get a call from my aunt/uncle any second now and they're going to yell at me for groping their son.
TL;DR: I squeezed my nine year old cousin's dick, then laughed in his face.
The_Gaming_Unicorn: OPs name, OMFG SO RELEVANT.
PR4Y: he said it was an obvious throwaway... more like... "Intentionally-Relevant-to-make-a-one-time-post" ?
The_Gaming_Unicorn: Why... My 12 year old brother has been commenting some stupid shit, he used caps too!
accidental_pedo: Nice "save"
The_Gaming_Unicorn: I'm 19... Who is 19 and says that, I'm kinda fat to be honest.
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1410750586 | 1410751473 | t3_2gfcc5 | t5_2to41 | 10 | shame_over_me: TIFU by kinda sleeping with my best friend ex
It happened last week, I went to the bar with a friend and I've seen my best friend ex of two weeks (they've been together for a year and were living together). I was in good terms with her before their break up. She tries to convince me he'd been a jerk with her for the last couple months and blablabla, and I'm like what are you even trying to do, he's my best friend. So later that night, kinda drunk and everything she's trying to convince me to go sleep over at her apartment. I'm replying by saying no, she's insisting and later I don't know why but I'm changing my mind and going to her apartment. So at her apartment things are getting a little hotter, in her bed clothes off. We did some preliminaries, and when we're about to get it to the next level, my conscience coming back and telling me to get the fuck out of there cause I wasn't living by my values. So that night, I feel like a part of me died... Since then she tried to convince me to go back having fun with her, haven't told that to my two best friends. I'm too scared of their reactions towards me...
TL;DR: Was about to fuck my best friend ex, got the fuck out now feeling ashamed
raf1182: You're a better man Then me. My best friend in hs did that too me. He told me the next day and tho it took me a while to forgive him. Him manning up and apologizing first helped
shame_over_me: Ya, I'm in the process of convincing myself to tell it to my two best friends, since they're gonna live together in 3 weeks
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410750530 | 1410779281 | t3_2gfc8k | t5_2to41 | 145 | chefslapchop: TIFU by spitting diarrhea into my open eye ball.
ReferenceMaster: Gouging your eye out won't stop the AIDS from spreading. It's too late.
uui8457: Amputation of the head is the only option now.
adviceKiwi: remove the head or destroy the brain.
EroKintama: And don't forget to burn it with fire at the end. You don't want that crap spreading.
| 5 | 29 | |
1410736260 | 1410768336 | t3_2geqak | t5_2to41 | 3 | jumbee424: TIFU hoping for aliens.
TIFU by checking the window when I swore I heard War of the Worlds ships coming. It was the guy weedwacking outside my window.
goblinthunder: Yes, and where's the fuck up?
BadSpellingAdvice: TIFU by being dumb, and then posting about it on r/TIFU while continuing to be dumb.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410751253 | 1410752995 | t3_2gfdbv | t5_2to41 | 15 | AlexGuyzor12: TIFU by telling my girlfriend I think prom and homecoming are stupid.
We're seniors in high school, been together for 2 years.
She's really social and fun and I'm not. Homecoming is coming up and I told her that I thought it was dumb but we would still go.
She said it was fine in that annoyed girl voice. You know the one.
What have I done
ReferenceMaster: If you're lucky she just breaks up with you eventually because "You're not outgoing enough" or some such bullshit. If you're unlucky, she keeps the relationship going and nags you until you steadily become a shell of your former self. Good luck!
AlexGuyzor12: ;-;
Thanks friend
ReferenceMaster: Hey man any time.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1410752078 | 1410753858 | t3_2gfei0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | ThrowawayPisser2: TIFU by peeing on my roommates dog
I'll start by saying my roommate is a horrible dog owner and doesn't know how to raise/train/take care of his dog properly. The dog, who is now a year old, slobbers on everything in sight and several times a week he pees on the carpet in various locations around the coffee table and TV. My roommates way of dealing with this is cleaning up after him and spraying carpet cleaner or various air fresheners. If you try to lay on the couch to watch a movie, all you can smell is dog piss. We've gotten into arguments about it before, and they always end with him doing a half assed cleaning job and saying he's going to do better, but he's fucking lazy so it never works out that way. I'm only living with him for another month so recently I've just been ignoring the issue.
Today, surprise surprise, my roommate forgot to take his dog out before he left for the afternoon and the dog decided to relieve himself with no warning, right in front of the television while I was enjoying football, my favorite part of the week. Irritated, I whipped it out and decided to pee on his dog. I have no clue why I did it, it was childish, but at the moment I was fed up and thought it would be funny. It was a tiny amount, the total urine would MAYBE fill the cap of a bottle of soda. Confused, the dog pawed his head where the pee was, smelled it, then laid down.
Now fast forward a few hours and I'm in my room talking on the phone to my best friend. I don't see him a lot so I was very caught up in the conversation and oblivious to pretty much everything else going on around me. I start to hear a sound that I don't recognize and look down to find my roommates dog, who NEVER comes in my room, pissing right next to me. The puddle spreads and reaches my feet before I can realize what's happening. I yell and push the dog out but it's too late. That little fucker got his revenge. I never even saw it coming.
TL;DR: Peed on roommates dog, hours later, dog peed on me.
ReferenceMaster: Man this story had everything. At first I was all like "Yeah good for you! You show that dog who's boss!" But then I was all like "Oh shit the dog pissed in his room! And don't think he didn't know what he was doing! He knew exactly what he was doing!"
ThrowawayPisser2: The dog is very standoffish, he doesn't get excited over much and usually lays and stares at you all day. Up until this moment I just thought he was dumb, that is not case haha
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410752618 | 1410755163 | t3_2gffb9 | t5_2to41 | 103 | I_gave_birth_to_you: TIFU by fucking my ex 2 months after we broke up
I fucked her and then she told me she has herpes and left.
[deleted]: But, I hope, you are lucky enough to not have caught it.
I_gave_birth_to_you: We'll see... at what point do I know I have herpes?
ReferenceMaster: When you either (a) have an outbreak or (b) get tested for it.
I_gave_birth_to_you: Even if I do get herpes I will remember today forever. It was the best sex of my life.
YUHDEW: Doesn't matter had sex.
Actually... wait... you will remember today forever, everytime you take your herpe medication. For the rest of your life...
| 6 | 17.166667 | |
1410753005 | 1410770479 | t3_2gffuq | t5_2to41 | 7 | cooningthedog: TIFU by submitting my essay
Earlier today I was writing my essay for class and I really didn't want to do it so I wrote the title as "Fuck This Bullshit" and told myself that I'd change it later. I submitted it a few hours after I wrote it and forgot that I didn't change the title. My teacher just e-mailed me about it..
ReferenceMaster: I had the theory that my English teacher sophomore year didn't actually read our papers and just handed out grades based on reputation. Tested it by writing "Go go Power Rangers" in the middle of my paper. She never commented on it. I got a B-.
So the moral of the story is my situation worked out fine.
FascinatedLobster: Knew someone who did something similar with a 7 page history paper! Wrote a paragraph about baseball in the middle of the paper, got an A.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410753063 | 1410757901 | t3_2gffxr | t5_2to41 | 17 | mtk992_: TIFU by investigating a vibrating sound from outside my room. Possibly NSFW.
I was laying in bed with my boyfriend for the last hour or two of tonight. I kept hearing this weird buzz, kind of humming, from the hallway outside of my room. We have a noisy fan in our attic so I disregarded it for a while but it seemed off from the normal whining the fan makes. This is where I fucked up. I decided to walk outside of my room and loudly say "what in the fuck is that noise?!" My mom always gets paranoid about noises coming from inside the house so she came running up the stairs. She thought it was the attic fan as I did. But as I moved back out of her way towards my sister's room, I noticed something that made my stomach knot. The humming got louder. I backed up a little more and again, it got louder. I talked my mom into getting a flashlight and a step stool so she would go downstairs. My boyfriend told me to go hurry and find out what was making the noise. I already knew. I approached her closet and the hum was coming from near the floor behind some clothes. I pushed them aside and saw what I knew would be there. It was a vibrator, which managed to turn itself on. I was shocked even though I saw it coming. My boyfriend says in a stern whisper "hurry up, she's coming up the stairs!" Oh fuck, what do I do? I grabbed the box and opened it and out came one of those rabbit vibrators. I just wanted to die. There was about 7 buttons on the damn thing and I started hitting them all in hopes it would shut off. Of course it didn't. It vibrate even faster and the top half started gyrating. At this point I wished I just died. As my mom got to the top of the stairs I just pulled the battery compartment open and threw it back into the box and shot out of the closet. She didn't even see me come out of the room. It took every fiber of my being to keep cool and pretend that I heard the noise go away when the" fan shut off when she went downstairs." I convinced her to just go back downstairs and everything would be okay. But no. My dad came home and had to investigate the fan too. He went into the basement to play with the circuits to see if the fan would go off. I followed him and all I said was "dad, I don't know how to put this but that vibrating sound was coming from *my sister's* room. I had to turn a vibrator she recently used." He didn't know whether to laugh or cringe but him, my boyfriend, and I managed to convince her that the fan should be okay. No amount of soap will be enough to remove this from my mind.
Tldr; I had to disable my sister's schizophrenic vibrator.
Morophin3: Why would you tell your dad but be afraid to let your mom know?
mtk992_: I need to shelter my mother to these things. She's the kind of lady that thinks I'm a degenerate if I have a beer on a week night after school and work.
Morophin3: That sucks.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1410753766 | 1410756691 | t3_2gfgxv | t5_2to41 | 36 | pancakesausagedog: TIFU by accepting a bet to stick my penis in an oscillating fan.
Well, it ended as badly as it sounds and I'm grateful I'm still in one piece and don't need stitches. I've learned a valuable lesson today and that is not to stick your penis in an oscillating fan for ten dollars.
ReferenceMaster: I'll stick my penis anywhere for $10.
ekoth: How about a blender?
GiggleMaster: Ouch.
Err0rbot: It's okay if the blender's unplugged.
upads: I have one that runs on batteries. It's unplugged. Come on in!
| 6 | 6 | |
1410753699 | 1410806046 | t3_2gfgtv | t5_2to41 | 62 | NeoshadowXC: TIFU by watching Gravity with my mom
I had Gravity downloaded to my computer, so we used the HDMI to hook it up to the TV. My desktop became the screen.
We started watching the movie and everything was fine, but around halfway through, I get an iMessage to my iPhone (*relevant) from the random Tinder girl I was with last night.
It says "my pussy is still sore from last night lol"
Then another that says "when can I have your cock again? i want you to cum in me this time ;)"
Then I look up to realize that iMessage also goes to my computer, and my mom is reading all of these texts on the screen.
The rest of the movie was very uncomfortable.
Runga: Does tinder work?
NeoshadowXC: Definitely.
Vladi8r: Yeah but, even for neckbeards?
treefrump: For every neckbeard, there is a m'lady ready to rustle that bearded neck.
shawarma_llama: She'll strip right down to her "ironic" little girl kneesocks and horn-rimmed vaguely cat's-eyed glasses, and get busy "quoting Kierkegard".
treefrump: Stop... My penis can only get so erect.
| 7 | 8.857143 | |
1410754072 | 1410754795 | t3_2gfhed | t5_2to41 | 2 | Imyouronlyhope: TIFU by not closing the door
First off to describe the scene so you have a rough mental picture of how it went down. My house is old so the main floor has a bathroom with a toilet tub, and sink, no shower. So only the basement bathroom has a shower. It is a room with a toilet and a shower, since there is no sink it is rarely used for the toilet.
I am 19 years old, a female, and I live with my parents because college is expensive and I like eating more than once a year. Currently in my house I have my mother, father, sister, and one of my brothers. So I am fairly used to people being around.
It was 10 o'clock or so and seeing as school is tomorrow I needed to take a shower. I bring my bed clothing (not really pajamas but you get the point) down and put in on the table next to the shower so I can get dressed right away.
I hop in the shower and turn the water on hot because it's kinda cold and I wanted to be warm,I left the door open because "hey it's the basement and people can hear the water running so they'll stay away. And it's getting really steamy, so I'll leave it open to let the air clear out."
As you can probably already assume I was wrong, oh how could I be so naive?
I was texting in the shower, because it's not like the person I was texting can see me so why not? My arms covering the nipples and that's pretty much it (so technically I was covered up top because that's the "illegal" part right guys....right..? No I didn't think so either).
My family isn't quiet doing anything, it's like living with stampeding elephants. So of course what a better time for them to be quiet than when I'm in the shower! So I'm texting, a long thought intensive message mind you, and my father appears at the door like the super ninja he isn't and sees full frontal of his daughter he hasn't seen since I was 10 or 12 (I was a weird kid I used to run around with just underwear/nothing on for a looong time, longer than most people would find acceptable. Hell I'd still do that if I lived by myself, I hate wearing clothes)
Leaping (more or less) into action I twist to the side and try my best to cover my chest up (ever try to cover up big boobs with little arms? It's like hiding a whale behind a french fry).
Honestly now, you hear the water running, it's getting late, and there are clothes on the table, I think it's safe to assume someone is in there or call out to see. He's a bit of a dunce, but José Christmas that was dumb.
I think my only options are avoiding contact for a week or more or wear clothes while showering.
Hopefully my tale amused at least one person. Let me know what you think!
ReferenceMaster: Obi Wan Kenobi? Is that you?
Imyouronlyhope: No sadly, but I have met Darth Vader twice
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410755265 | 1410756724 | t3_2gfj20 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Duskyhaired: TIFU by showing my mom my furry porn [NSFW]
[NSFW]
So, today I was texting my girlfriend because we had both just woken up.
I was browsing a website for some new shirts to wear, and wanted my moms opinion on them. So I walked into the livingroom and was holding my phone showing her the shirts I was thinking about buying, and she said "let me hold your phone because I don't have my glasses and can't see right now."
I was skeptical about letting her hold my phone because she has no sense of privacy whatsoever (I'm 20) and thinks it's just alright to go through people's conversations.
While she is looking at the shirts she decides to go through my phone and look at my text history.
Earlier that morning me and my girlfriend were basically sharing nude drawings back and forth that are furry related. (We are both furries). So while she is going through my phone she ends up seeing [this](http://m.imgur.com/Vi7lre1).
At this point she begins to laugh at me and make fun of me and question me on what I'm sexually interested in and all. It was not a good morning because it led to an argument on how she has no respect and it's not cool to look through my stuff. It got pretty verbal and now none of us are on speaking terms and I don't know how to feel.
[Shirt Website](http://thatshirtwascash.com)
Thragetamal: My mother use to pry and kept doing it while I tried to keep it from her. So I changed tactics and started being quite open and frank about what happened when I went on dates going into enough detail that she would tell me to stop before walking off probably in disgust. She now no longer sticky beaks into my life and is happy to only get the information I wish to share with her.
ReferenceMaster: Probably the best strategy.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410756156 | 1410864452 | t3_2gfk67 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking through an ex-girlfriend's instagram page
TIFU, well ust about 5 minutes ago I was curious how my old high school sweetheart was doing in life. The thing is, I went through much sorrow and depression getting over her since i graduated in 2013. Just about until 3 months ago I nearly got over her thanks to my friends and /r/seduction. But today my curiosity took over and I viewed her page. OH MY GOD. SHE IS SO FUCKING HOT NOW. I looked at myself in the mirror and I'm a mess! I loss a good amount of gains because of an injury and my wardrobe is outdated. I AM SAD BECAUSE EX GF HAS A GREAT BODY AND I'M ON REDDIT DEVASTATED.
FlashZapman: See being all fucked up because you think she's hotter than you might be why she's your ex. You know who complains about shit like this? Women.
Harden the fuck up and grow a beard or something.
BlknTan99: You don't have to be such a giant ass. But hey, that's just my opinion.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410756923 | 1410864302 | t3_2gfl5e | t5_2to41 | 2 | secretreddname: TIFU using towels as a cum rag
So I have a lot of extra towels that I accidentally take home from the gym. They are those small hand towels so I just use them as all purpose rags. I figure they'd be perfect for my fap sessions. I use them and throw them in the bin for laundry that's in my room.
Over the last couple of days I've been noticing more and more ants. I figure it's just because of the warm weather. Well all of a sudden I notice an ant invasion over the laundry basket. The ants were swarming over my fap juice rags.
Ugh now I have clean this up.
PBnJ4Me: As an interesting plot twist.... OP doesn't spell so well, he's really talking about his mom's sisters.
Awaiting an update OP
BlknTan99: Up voted for silliness
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410756957 | 1410817626 | t3_2gfl6y | t5_2to41 | 5 | dropkickderby: TIFU by kayaking under the influence
This weekend, I went out of state to visit my sister and her family to celebrate my nephew 10th birthday. Going with me on this wonderful adventure, my right hand man *ad lip masturbation joke* who we'll call "Steve".
The drive took us about 6 hours, all of which I had to drive because Steve doesn't know how to drive a stick shift. Fuck Steve. After arriving at my sisters house, along with my other sister, her husband, and two small kids, we all settled in. To preface this, they live on the bay. After the women went to bed, Steve, both of my brother in laws, and myself took their boat out for a midnight ride.
We had a great time speeding along the water having a couple beers, chit chatting and shit. A great weekend in the making… Or so I thought. Once we get back to the house, the in-laws go to bed. Steve and I have a couple more beers and pass out on the air mattresses that were nicely laid out for us in the living room.
I'm then awoken by a soothing kick in the head courtesy of my niece, Leslie. There is a total of 5 children jumping on our beds, and I only know 4 of them. Yeah, theres this other little shit sitting next to me on my mattress that I don't even know, and I can't move because the blanket on me is the only thing between me and being underexposed to a little girl.
After my sister (the one who we're visiting) clears out the room, we get dressed and have a nice party. Cut to around 10pm. Steve, my sisters and I are in the kitchen watercoloring and drawing pictures. We all drink expect 'Sissy' (the sister that came with us). Steve and I are about 7 beers deep by 12pm. At one point I tried to steal a swig of Steve's drink and ended up drinking a cup full of watercolor. First fuck up of many.
Sissy gets up and leaves for bed at 1am, and Steve and I tend to my other sister, who is at this point wasted. As I'm carrying my sister upstairs Steve remembers that there are kayaks out back. We get excited. We tell wasted sister our poorly thought out plan, to which she drunkenly approves. I leave Steve inside and go to drag the kayaks out on the dock. We assemble the essentials for the water; our cellphones, 3 beers each, a 2 liter bottle of water, hoodies, and 2 tins of tobacco.
We get off the dock into the kayaks and enjoy the beautiful scenery. There are cranes off in the distances illuminated by a beautiful skyline of boats owned by douche yacht club goers glimmering off the water. We pull the kayaks together and float off. My phone dies shortly into the trip, which is a bummer, but I shrug it off.
We make sure to stay in a straight line away from my sisters house, as to not get lost, because it was quite dark. As we float and drink, Steve tells me he has to tell me something. After making me pinky promise I won't be angry, he spills his guts.
"… I kissed your sister when you went to get the kayaks. She kinda kissed back." Now personally, I find this hilarious, but he was actually pretty nervous about it. It wasn't a full on make out session, but he recalled it as 'magical'. At this point I punch him and we both end up laughing, still floating parallel to each other in the bay.
I have to pee and I'm too drunk to balance in the kayak so I begin to pee into a beer bottle a la Dumb and Dumber. It fills up quickly and begins spraying everywhere, including onto Steve. The conversation went something like
"YOU'RE PEEING ON ME!"
"FUCK YOU, YOU KISSED MY SISTER!"
After asserting my dominance, we packed lips and continued floating and talking. The weather is perfect, and I'm with my best friend. We've been floating for a while but its okay, we can still see the-- wait, where the fuck are the cranes?? We had been floating for much longer than we thought. This is bad.
Steve gets out his phone and punches in my sisters address on google maps. We are over three miles away and no matter how hard we paddle can't seem to get anywhere close to my sisters house. We start to freak out. Eventually we decide we'll pull the kayaks onto the nearest dock and walk home. We're stumbling drunk at this point, but we manage to get to a dock of someones house and pull the boats up. It's at this point Steve realizes his phone is about to die, and we're stuck 3 miles away from home with two fucking kayaks.
It's around 3:30am at this point, and we being to loose it. I do the only thing I can think of and get Steve to call Sissy.
We give her the street address just before his phone dies and stay in the middle of the road by the kayaks. The booze is hitting us in full force and Steve is gagging himself off to the side. The smell of his puke makes me puke and we both end up laying the middle of the road soaked in vomit with two FUCKING KAYAKS.
Cue Sissy. She pulls up and gets out of the car. She's pissed. She doesn't speak but I immediately feel like the biggest asshole in the world. The kayaks don't fit in her car but she gives us directions home.
We had to carry two kayaks two miles to my sisters house at 4am. We get home and I feel so bad about waking my sister, I write her a note with 30 dollars inside (it seemed like a fair trade) and stuff it under her door. I stumble to bed.
My phone is broken with water damage. My sister won't talk to me. Steve kissed my other sister. I have to drive 6 hours home. Today I fucked up.
TDLR; I got lost in a kayak and had to carry the it 2 miles in the middle of the night, all while completely wasted. And Steve kissed my sister.
nhebert1987: For some reason I thought this was going to end with you and steve hooking up
dropkickderby: Thats a fair guess.
crimsonchin45: That was their other trip to the lake ;)
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410759703 | 1410824286 | t3_2gfolk | t5_2to41 | 232 | Loststriaghtboy: TIFU asking my gay friend for butthole advice
So today I decided that I should let my girlfriend go where no person had gone before. I decided to let my girlfriend finger my butthole.
After 15 minutes of feeling like I had to poop, I told my girlfriend this was not working. I was very frustrated. I had heard amazing things about how glorious anal orgasms were. I quickly searched the internet for solutions to my unpleasured asshole.
"Why don't you just ask your gay friend Brandon?" my girlfriend asked.
Great idea, my ass spelunker of a girlfriend.
I quickly text to my gay friend Brandon, "Hey, I need help with butt stuff. I am a lost straight boy."
Send...
My heart sinks deeper than my girlfriends finger was in my butthole.
Instead of Brandon Gayfriend, I sent it to potential employer and dad's best friend Brandon.
Quickly, I text him that it was one of my friends playing a prank (hah, that will work) and to disregard it, or make fun of me. I said I didn't care.
Then the panic sunk in. This was it. My life is over.
He hasn't responded. I am shaking while writing this.
Fuck.
TLDR: Don't text and buttplay.
DalekMD: I just imagine your girlfriend standing there, fingering your ass for 15 minutes in silence, getting bored and checking her watch.
thecrazysloth: Anything? How about now?
i_love_sex_: Yea I'm about to poo, keep it in.
Weeeeeman: Lmao!
^_^
K3NN3Y: LTSOOMA more like it.
| 6 | 38.666667 | |
1410760282 | 1410762835 | t3_2gfp8o | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU and hurted my girlfriend more than I ever thought it would be possible
I'm 30 years old, I lived with mi girlfriend (no kids) for the past 5 years. We've had our up and downs, but she loves me and I love her more than I ever loved anyone.
This TIFU started a few weeks ago, when I started taking German lessons at my local University.
I am a kind of antisocial and shy person, and also an idiot. Being the quiet guy I am, I rarely get to be friends with other guys, besides I'd rather stay at home whenever I can so every single guy friends I've had (or most of them) eventually get bored of me and we distance each other. On the other side, being the quiet dude it seems to be attractive to some girls, so one of my female classmates started talking to me one day. She is pretty funny, we talked and got along really well. She followed me on Twitter and one day started to chat via DM about some lessons. I really hate twitter DMs, so I suggested to exchange phone numbers and continue through WhatsApp. I made clear that I had a girlfriend, we even talked about that a few times. I never intended or thought about her in a sexual way, she just was a friendly classmate to me.
But, knowing that my GF has some jealous issues, I never told her about this girl. Even though I knew if she ever found out about the message exchange I would be in for some trouble, I never thought of it as something wrong because there were no hidden intentions for cheating on her.
Well, tonight I was in the shower and my classmate sended me a message, my GF grabbed my phone and saw the conversation. She flipped out, said that if I really had no intentions of cheating I would have talked with her about my classmate, and that the trust she had in me was over, along with our relationship.
I fucked up real bad. It's one of those life changing fuck ups. There's no way to undo this. I've lost her for good. The woman that loved me the most, the woman that stood by me on the hardest and more difficult times and decisions of my life. I feel like dead inside, I'm so sorry for what I did.
Teddie1056: Your ex was psycho. That's a ridiculous reaction.
JuamPiX84: Well, I may have skipped the part where 5 years ago she found out that I sexted with another girl, she never could get over that. She made clear that if she ever found something similar it was going to be the end of everything, and it was. I'm an idiot.
Teddie1056: Did you sext this girl, or just talk to her? If you are just talking to someone, that is a normal human thing to do.
JuamPiX84: I've only talked to my classmate, never had any sexual innuendo. I send her a perhaps too friendly happy birthday message a week ago, too friendly because I just knew her since two weeks earlier. That's one of the things my girlfriend is mad about. The other one being, obviously, that I lied to her.
Edit: spelling
Teddie1056: Did you lie to her, or did you just not tell her that you were talking to someone for two weeks. If it is the latter, you gotta realize you did nothing wrong. Literally not a single thing wrong. You can't beat yourself up about this. You are 30, you can meet plenty of women, you can be happy. I know this sucks, because you just lost your partner of 5 years. But think of it as a new road forward. Good luck, internet friend.
JuamPiX84: Thanks, I don't know you but your words help a lot in this desperate moment. I really appreciate your gesture.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1410761060 | 1410762094 | t3_2gfq3p | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by commenting on my GF's body
So we've been having a bit of a rough patch lately. Nothing major, but sex has been sparse. This evening (morning) we were laying in bed discussing what makes us feel loved. She mentioned us being intimate (touching, kissing etc.) makes her feel connected to me. We started to make out and she asked of I like our sex life. I answered with an enthusiastic "I love it". She then stands up, turns on the bedside light and gets naked. She's just dynamite. Total knockout, 11/10. She looks in our mirror and asks " Do you like my body?" and lays down next to me. I look her up and down and say "You're very sexy. Why my favourite part of a woman is this right here..." "What do you mean women?". Lights off. Clothes on. Me on the couch. Fuck...
nickf579: I don't understand what happened. What do you mean "this right here"?
WEIRD_ASS_NAMES: He went to touch the vagin, but it hang loose like sleeve of wizard
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410761173 | 1410770339 | t3_2gfq7c | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending nudes to a stranger
I jumped on the opportunity to make easy money by agreeing to send nude photos and videos to a total stranger in exchange for a large sum of money. Its been nine days so far and I've fulfilled all of his weird requests but yesterday, all of a sudden he stopped asking for more and he hasn't sent any money to my bank account because he only said he would after 15 days. I hate everything!
Kirkzhom: This is a complete fiction right? I mean should I 'whoosh' here or what? No one can be that intellectually deficient and on reddit right? Did he promise you "about tre-fiddy"?
HollowPointBullet: Fake modeling tryouts?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410760100 | 1410762660 | t3_2gfp0a | t5_2to41 | 33 | ohcumonman: TIFU by cumming on my sisters dog
at least it is about to become a huge fuck up. I just came on it probably like 5 minutes ago because the fucking dog came in my room when I was jerking off and I wasn't paying attention and it got all over her face and she instantly ran off to my sisters room and the door fucking closed seconds later so I think she is awake and is probably noticed by now jesus fuck I'll update this. throwaway because friends know my name here.
murderouspanda00: [probably nsfw](http://img.chan4chan.com/img/2012-01-18/cum_snorting.gif)
ReferenceMaster: Probably? Have an upvote.
| 3 | 11 | |
1410760598 | 1410812594 | t3_2gfpm5 | t5_2to41 | 12 | alphafloor: TIFU by not securing a hose on my 55 gal fish tank.
I was just getting my 55 gallon salt water tank ready to go. I had it full of water, salt and sand just perfect. Laying in bed tonight I could hear the worst sound in the world - the sound of dripping of water. I ran out to find the tank half full. Then, a sinking feeling then came to me, my fish tank was right on top of my home theater. I ran down to find it raining in my basement. Sparks were shooting out of my receiver and my PS4 was drenched. I quickly unplugged everything but it was to late. It's all gone.
Went up to find a hose that I had connected earlier had come loose and was siphoning water out of the tank.
I know it's just stuff but I feel so sick right now that I let that happen.
tl;dr Fish tank half leaked out, ruining my home theater and new PS4.
GoldenPiggey: Can we take a moment to think about the fact that this man has a 55 gallon fish tank and home theater?
alphafloor: Yea, when you put it that way /r/firstworldproblems
| 3 | 4 | |
1410763459 | 1410764845 | t3_2gfsod | t5_2to41 | 22 | greevesy: TIFU by becoming a home invader
Cat sitting for sister while she's away. Get back to hers at stupid o'clock after about a litre of gin. Wake up and think I'm going to throw up about 3/4am and go to the toilet to vom. Not the toilet, I wandered out the door and have accidentally entered another neighbours house who's door doesn't lock properly. I'm now a home invader. They wake up. They scream as I enter their bedroom and turn on their light I scream a bit too. Everyone agrees to screaming. It probably didn't help that I was only in my underwear and that I tried to get into the bed for when I got in the room thinking it was mine. For that I received a swift up-kick to the face. By sheer luck the girl that kicked my in the face is someone I knew years back from high school days. After long and understandable panic from them I am welcomed to new territory. Trying to explain that I have locked myself out of the flat, I explain to her that "I've got the wrong cat" again and again until she lets me sleep on the sofa. Wake up a few hours later and don't know where I am but I'm definitely in my underwear. Go to the flat downstairs now I'm still outrageously drunk and convince them to help me scale the building to break I to the flat via their garden like a bit drunk half naked king kong. Back in flat now, cats fed, mission accomplished. Overall strong night out 8/10. If anyone needs a good cat sitter or for their neighbours to be scared the shit out of by an intruder and has gin, I'm available from next weekend. Special thanks goes out to Jesse and her husband for not beating the shit out of me when I woke them up. Good times all round.
[deleted]: Wow! So you started in the wrong flat?
greevesy: Started in the right flat, my sisters. Then woke up and went out the hall and the door must of shut behind me. Completely didn't know I knew her neighbours. Pretty lucky they didn't choose to beat the shit out of me. If this was in America they could have shot me too!
[deleted]: This was very entertaining! Thanks. Im glad you are ok.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1410764341 | 1410814132 | t3_2gftkl | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally taking my wife's dog for a speed walk.
Guys I messed up big time. Like biiiiiiiggggg time. My wife has been gone on a trip with our church this weekend so I have been tasked with taking care of her lab.
This happened today and I need to just get it off my chest and also so what you guy a think I should do.
So about 3:30 I decide I'm going to take the Dog to the reservoir to play in the water and do dog stuff. He is very prone to chase stuff through our neighborhood so I have to keep him close. Any ways we get outside and I notice our next door neighbor is outside cutting his yard with his weed eater. I tie the dogs leash to the ball of my truck and go offer my mower to him.
Well I get in the truck and head for a glorious day at the lake. I'm cruising down the highway and cars start passing me honking and waving me down. Then a cop flies in behind me and pulls me over. What is going on?
He runs up to my window and I almost shit my pants. He tells me to get out of the truck. By now I'm freaking out. But never did I expect the horror I was in for. Behind my truck still tied to the ball was my wife's lab. It was the most horrific sight I've ever seen. What wasn't scraped off by the asphalt was a mangled piece of fur and guts. I puke. Puke again. I can't stop. I sit down and start crying. The officer offers to take care of it for me but I refuse. He gets a garbage bag from his cruiser and puts the dog in it. I thank him and once I regain my composure I head back home. I've been drinking ever since. There's no way I'm working tomorrow and my wife gets home tomorrow night.
I don't want to tell her at all but I feel like I have to. I don't want to ruin her trip so I think I'll wait on her to get back but it's gonna be hard to look her in the eye and tell her the truth.
murderouspanda00: say what you want, but this made me laugh my ass off
Shadrixian: Deep down you have repressed memories of the same thing happening to a close pet of yours. Would you like a hug.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410765951 | 1410801596 | t3_2gfv4b | t5_2to41 | 267 | broseph_daniel: TIFU by having very particular bathroom rituals.
murph_diver: *when there's lights in your mirror
and somethings coming out your rear
diarrhea*
Lakonthegreat: When you're trying not to spill
And cops get in your grill
Diarrhea
shitass70: When you gotta hit the head
But you get stopped by blue and red
Diarrhea
Lakonthegreat: When your insides start to wail
But you have to go to jail
Diarrhea
HammyFresh: When nature calls
But the cops are on your balls
Diarrhea
kaelhazee: When your bowels are overflowin'
and the cops are still patrolling
Diarrhea
Murais: When you hear those sirens blarin'
And you feel your sphincter tearin'
Diarrhea
[deleted]: When your anus starts to buzz
And you're hounded by the fuzz
Diarrhea
| 9 | 29.666667 | |
1410767169 | 1410768670 | t3_2gfw88 | t5_2to41 | 32 | turk1ish: TIFU my entire life by cheating on my ex ...with crazy (part 1)
First and foremost: Sex is actually a very minor part of this story. Don't worry.
It wasn't one FU, this is a series of FUs over about a one-year period. It did not happen today, but today is the day I'm hoping it ends.
This is going to be an extremely long post. So here is my **TL:DR -
Lost my job, my home, my GF, my car, and my best friend of 18 years because I couldn't keep it in my pants.**
Apologies in advance if this story doesn't make sense - it's past 1am and my keyboard is broken.
July 1st, 2013. I dropped everything I knew and moved out to the mountains to live in a party-town ski resort with my best friend of 18 years. As a guy who recently lost his virginity and left the church, a land of hookups seemed like a great idea. [Proof](http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/1gu8dq/after_spending_every_penny_i_had_moving_away_to/) on old account
Skip a few black-out months later, I have found a girl I like and we start dating. Great girl, works as a server, makes a lot of money, is really nice, caring, and wonderful. Everything you want in a girl. Except she's really boring in bed. Like we're talking starfish here. Now as a sexually inexperienced man, this was my very first relationship, and I was enjoying the same girl every night.
As a young man, rather than talk to her about being bored in bed, I let it fester and fester until one drunken night I fucked up (1). I ended up cheating on her with a girl who I sort of knew (we worked at the same hotel, about 1200 employees).
Long story short, I told my GF what happened and broke up with her. She was extremely hurt from it, but we remained on speaking terms.
Fast - forward a few months. GIrl I cheated on ex with becomes roommates with my best female friend. We too become best friends. We hook up a few more times. End up dating (2).
Again, I am trying to keep this concise, so things will be skipped.
The longer we date, the more I learn about her... issues. Apparently she's been seeing something she described as a demon. Me and her both being from religious backgrounds, we believed in that sort of thing. And, unfortunately, so did her family. So for the last seven years they've been praying for her to get better. Obviously this hasnt been helping. But she said every time I was around it went away. And I believed her, because I felt a... presence. I dunno. That hotel was haunted as fuck.
Skip forward a few more months. My best friend who I moved out there with has just been fired. With his job went his accomodation. Him and his girlfriend lived together and he had been staying with her for a few weeks since he'd lost his job while looking for another one. Finally, he brings up this great idea: Let's move to the town 15 minutes away and find a job and a home there. I said yes. (3)
One thing you NEED to understand is that vacancy rates in this place are 0%. Finding a place to live is nothing less than an act of God. We decide to go home to visit our parents and then find a place to live AFTER we get back. Foolishly, I agree to this, and put in my 2 weeks (4).
Again, long story short, while on vacation, my GF tells me she loves me. We've been dating 3 months. I tell her back (5). She says she wants to live together. I agree (6).
When we get back, I have 1 week before I lose my home. With one, and only ONE day to spare, we find a 2-bedroom hotel to stay in for $1600 a month. Expensive for me and my buddy, but not for us and our 2 girlfriends as well. So we get them to move in with us (7).
I`m going to make this short I swear. I found a job after 2 weeks. My buddy took over a month. The stress of him not being able to possibly pay rent made everyone on edge. In the end, we all survived.
Now, keep in mind I`m the only one here with a car. So guess who`s driving our GFs to work every day (Who still work at the other town BTW). There`s bus service, but I have a car, so I can totally drive them. That`s no issue (8).
Eventually, the stress gets to be too much. My GF starts going heavy on the weed. She starts looking into buying a car, and her daddy ends up buying her a brand-fucking-new car so she can drive to and from work. That takes a lot of stress off. So that's nice. Oh yeah - forgot to mention her dad is a rich, pompous asshole. This will come in later.
Big surprise here - the weed makes the "demon" come back. Slowly at first, until finally, one night after her telling me how me and my buddy are just children who can't live with other people (in my defense, me and him have been living with other people for the last 3 years, she's never been out of her parents house until she moved here), I finally snap on her. I tell her off, say something to the effect of "you're not fucking babysitting us, don't act like we're paying you." (9). She starts to tear up and hangs up the phone.
So this is where it gets dark. She starts texting me. Telling me "She's here... She's calling to me." I ignore it. I'm sick of her shit. (10) This eventually escalates into her refering to herself in the third person. When she gets home from work with buddy's GF, she's in bad shape. She goes up to our room and starts packing her things. I don't stop her. I watch her go. I'm pissed off, I'm stressed out, and I need a break. And a cigarette. I walk up to the room just in time for her to show me that she's carved 666 into her leg. Yup. Fucking great. Now I need to get the police involved.
So she goes out to her car and starts bawling. I can hear her from the deck where i'm having a smoke. And another smoke. And another. Finally, I muster up the courage to call 911 and get the police in there.
15 minutes later, I get a call from her brother. He's PISSED. When I asked him what I should have done, his response was (And I quote). "I dunno, maybe you should have prayed with her, rather than just sleep with her."
Well, you can imagine my reaction. After a very colourful conversation, we both hung up very angry.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night.
Part 2 to come tomorrow after I wake up. Will post before I leave for work.
EDIT: [Part 2](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2ggku6/tifu_my_entire_life_by_cheating_on_my_ex_with/) is out!
banyt: poor thing.
turk1ish: That was only part 1.
banyt: yeah, I noticed
I actually just wanted to tag this thread so I would remember to come back for part 2
turk1ish: Will link it tomorrow morning.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1410768550 | 1410775169 | t3_2gfxf0 | t5_2to41 | 164 | throwmeawanus: TIFU by talking after having sex with a milf.
I'm using a throwaway since my friends know my main account and I am not to open with my milf hunting expeditions. This happened 2 days ago.
So a little background information. A couple weeks ago I went out bar hopping solo to pick up some dates. Anyways you could say I'm into milfs and I ended up talking to a pretty attractive one and we hit it off pretty good, she's in her early 40s and I am in my early 20s. We made it clear that we didn't want a serious relationship so we would talk as friends with each other and also had a very nice friends with benefit relationship. So after a few weeks of this casual relationship we end on where I was at two days ago.
After we finish having sex we laid in bed just talking and catching up. At one point she turned to me and asked "I'm just curious, but what is it that makes you attracted to me?" She looking at me all sexy and seductive. Well let says in my moment of Kenjataimu ( jap word for a mans state of mind after sex, thanks for that one reddit) and also being caught up in the cool friendship we had I replied back, "you know..I think the only reason I find this so hot is that I know somewhere right now there is a kid, young or old, and I'm fucking his mom. We may not know each other but I will always know I fucked his mom". In my mind those words came out as seductive and sly as I imagined it would, on the other hand it was a terrible choice of words for the moment. She ended up telling me to get the fuck out while breaking into tears.
She texted me yesterday , other than the usual "you're a pyscho, fucked up in the head person bs" she told me she lost her son to a car accident a few years ago and I somehow implied that I get off on knowing her son is dead and am laughing at how I fucked his mom. Weird shit I know, but I like them crazy.
Well I can say were pretty much done after that and now I have a funny story to tell over beers.
MarcusDahkness: >Kenjataimu ( jap word for a mans state of mind after sex, thanks for that one reddit)
And thank you for that one, good sir.
throwmeawanus: You are most welcome. I hope that you find the answers in life that you are looking for in your state of kenjataimu my friend.
platoprime: If that was the answer every thirteen year old in America would be Enlightened with a capital "E".
[deleted]: Why just America?
platoprime: I'm not willing to comment on teen masturbation in places I haven't been.
[deleted]: I think you can safely assume it will all be pretty similar.
platoprime: What about North Korea? There's an information blackout there, for all we know they could be taking extreme measures to prevent this. They know if their young people masturbate then there will be a revolution. You know because of all the Enlightenment.
[deleted]: Sure
| 9 | 18.222222 | |
1410775909 | 1410796982 | t3_2gg3o1 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by winning a bid on an eBay auction...
I rarely bid on anything due to the high amounts of stress that auctions usually cause, but I made an exception for this particular item.
The item started at $599 and quickly rose to about $800, at this point I thought to myself, "Gosh darn it, that's *waaay* out of my price range. Guess I'll attempt to troll bidder 'n***l' and make their wallet cry a little harder". Confident this bidder would overpower me again, as they did for the last 9 bids, my hubris cost me $1063.99. Oops!
Ended up borrowing $$$ from my SO for this lil' guy:
[Pinoak, by Amanda Louise Spayd](http://www.strangerfactory.com/files/database/events_stranger/23/Pinoak2.jpg)
TL;DR Got petty and raised the auction price of a doll, only to end up with that doll.
abrosis: I know it's bad etiquette, but that's a lot of money, could you not of ignored the seller, told them your 'child' did it or ask them to ask the previous bidder.
senor_louse: You'd probably get banned. But OP said he doesn't bid much anyways.
Story is probably fake so it doesn't matter.
abrosis: Yer totally, I don't condone it. But if you have to borrow money, then somethings gotta give.
And who knows about the validity....would be good to get an ebay link OP.
made_her_squirtle: http://m.ebay.com/itm?itemId=291238366793
With shipping it comes to about $160.
demobile_bot: Hi there! I have detected a mobile link in your comment.
Got a question or see an error? PM us.
http://ebay.com/itm?itemId=291238366793
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1410783186 | 1410786246 | t3_2gg4y4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | poohspiglet: I didn't make the rules. I am not a mod. I'm just pointing out the fact.
Dallinnnn: guess what? The post is still up.
poohspiglet: Not only this is a lie, it's a repost. Read the other comments.
Dallinnnn: I noticed.. and downvoted because of that, but still. You remind of this kid in school who always reported people for breaking any rules.
poohspiglet: Oh yes. There's always that ONE person who will point out the rules of the game. With the quadrillions of users of TIFU, there's gonna be one in the crowd.
You remind me of the whiner who would cry because they can't play by the rules.
Dallinnnn: It's not *my* post, man. Miraculously a bunch of people still upvoted because they were entertained. People liked it, so what's the big deal? Leave it to the mods, huh?
poohspiglet: Why do you think they have the "message the mods" link? A person can not only leave a comment to OP to give them a heads up, but also message the mods. Isn't that terrible?
What's your big deal?
I find reposting and lying to be two unsavory characteristics of a fellow redditor.
Dallinnnn: Alright man. I'm not trying to antagonize; You have free will.
| 8 | 0.625 | |
1410778403 | 1410808185 | t3_2gg62b | t5_2to41 | 23 | Boredzap: TIFU by giving my cousin the wrong flash drive and scaring the hell out of her with my porn.
This happened these last few days, so "this week I fucked up".
I have a lot of flash drives. I get some for free from work (I fix computers) and as bundles with computer components that I order for myself and customers. They give them out like candy. Because of this, I tend to just grab a random one when I want to transfer something, be that an install package for a new computer fix or in this case... one of my porn folders. Usually I CUT/PASTE those when I'm moving them around, usually to my laptop connected to the TV.
Fast forward to the fuck up: I gave my cousin one for school (she's a junior in high school) since her old 2gb one was garbage. Yesterday morning I get a call from her freaking out that the thing has a bunch of my little pony porn on it and she thinks shes carrying around a bunch of illegal files on campus. I half pretend it must have been infected and half tell her cartoon porn isn't illegal and to stop freaking out and just delete it. She threw it away apparently, but hasn't texted me back or answered any calls since then.
I've been sitting here wondering where this will lead. I'm guessing she didn't buy my infected excuse. As someone with a relatively conservative yet large family that loves it's gossip at the same time, I doubt it's going to stay quiet. Hopefully my endless kindness at giving her the drive in the first place will stop her from blabbering.
TL;DR Wipe your flash drives before giving them to people and stop clopping to cartoon horses.
caring_gentleman: My little pony porn?!
OP, Please explain.
LuckyStarBunny: /r/clopclop <---stuff like this.
TheRealMcCoy95: Risky click of the day.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1410776705 | 1410793097 | t3_2gg4gq | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my boyfriend make the guacamole [NSFW]
My boyfriend and I have crazy schedules so whenever we have the same night off, we make a nice dinner and enjoy each other's company. He's a little inept in the kitchen so this particular night I let him chop up the ingredients for the guacamole while I prepare the main dish. We have a delicious dinner with wine and then head to his room to watch a little television while we digest. The wine kicks in and we start fooling around and the next thing you know he has his hand down my pants. It was pleasurable at first but as it progressed, it started to get more and more uncomfortable. Next thing you know, my vag is burning like hot fire and I run straight to to bathroom and hop into the shower. Turns out there was still capsaicin on his hands from chopping jalapeños for the guacamole. My lady parts are still recovering.
BlknTan99: Why does it seem like these kinds of post are poping up all over this sub reddit recently, come on guys it can't happen this often :/
MonkyThrowPoop: The League season 5 on Netflix. They do a hot sauce/vagina joke like this that may have started a trend of posts, real or fake.
BlknTan99: Just seems pretty excessive and un necessary.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1410767181 | 1410804133 | t3_2gfw8m | t5_2to41 | 390 | Goose420420420: TIFU by strolling into my gf's brother's room naked
So this happened last thanksgiving. My girlfriend and i had been dating for about 5 months at this point. I had met her parents before but for thanksgiving i was invited over to meet the rest of the family. I had actually never been at her house before since she lived with her parents and i had my own apartment. My place usually seemed like the better place to hang out.
In attendance that night was her older brother (my age; 27) and his girlfriend, her parents, and her grandparents. All really cool people. Her family is irish/newfie so as you can imagine, the drinks flowed through the night. We laughed, played darts, tasted fine whiskeys and got pretty lit altogether.
Fast forward to about 4am. We had all gone to bed a couple hours earlier. My girlfriend and i were sleeping naked. I groggily woke up realizing i needed to go to the washroom. Having never been at her house before, i shook my girlfriend to ask where the washroom was. Now i guess this is where my first fatal mistake was, but for some reason, in my drunk, half awake frame of mind, i didnt see any problem with just walking naked to the washroom. So i shut the door behind me and did exactly that. Coming out of the washroom i realize that the doors all look alike and i don't remember which one is my girlfriend's. But, still drunk and half asleep, i'm for some reason not worried yet and i take a guess and walk in.
Now i should have known the room i had walked into was the wrong one. For one thing it was white, whereas my girlfriends room was pink. But it wasnt until that moment, that sobering moment when i saw two figures shift under the blanket that i realized my error. In my panic i grabbed a corner of the blanket and pulled it up to cover myself. But then i could tell the disturbance had woken her brother and his girlfriend. Not wanting to explain what i was doing naked at the foot of their bed at 4 am the same day i met them, i turned and bolted and thankfully ran into the right room.
I nudged my girlfriend when i got in and said "baaaaabe....something not that chill just happened" (we had just watched This is the End the day before)
TL;DR: walked drunk and naked into the wrong room in the middle of the night. G/f's bro and his g/f were in there. Awkward breakfast
Handsof87: On the other hand her family sounds chill as fuck!
cjgroveus: Most UK and Ireland parents are pretty chill with you banging their daughter in their house. Its amazing but weird ...
Anhanguera: What's weird about not forcing their daughter to sneak around and sleep with strangers in stranger's places? Better to know the guy, make sure he's decent and have them do it in a safe environment isn't it?
ZenConure: Stop it with your rational thinking
| 5 | 78 | |
1410779167 | 1410909827 | t3_2gg6sl | t5_2to41 | 12 | scrubthescrotum: TIFU by accidentally writing the word "erotic" instead of "exotic" on an in class English Essay.
To be honest, I see the word erotic so many times I've grown to think that it's the same as exotic. Still very embarrassing when I saw the red mark around the word filled with question marks.
coreygrandy: Dare I ask for the rest of the sentence?
scrubthescrotum: Something like Holden's behavior was erotic (catcher in the Rye)
CaptainWobbles: Hahahah i actually didn't read that and wrote an essay on it today.
| 4 | 3 | |
1410782486 | 1410794119 | t3_2gga4s | t5_2to41 | 15 | chiefyurt: TIFU by cooking for myself NSFW
A little bit of context before the actual story of the fuck up. I am currently unemployed and have much free time on hand. And everyday at lunch time i cook and then take a nap afterwards.
Today I also followed that routine. I cooked myself chicken with curry rice. I like my food a little bit spicy, so I add some chili from our garden. I cut that shit and throw it into the pan with the chicken. So after I finish my meal I head straight to my room.
Then a genius thought strikes, "you will sleep much better after a fap".
-Before I continue I have to state that I don't use lotion and for the last days my skin was rather thin around the tip.
I start the notebook and head to a generic porn site. And while I search for a fitting recreational video I start touching myself. After some stroking I feel a little sting in the tip of my penis, but didn't think much of it. So I proceed until it gets so painful that I had to stop. But I still wasn't sure why it hurt. So I think to myself, better take a piss.
I head over to the toilet and finished my business there, but the pain only increased. Better cool your dick with some cold water. So I go to the tub let the water run over my hands to the tip of my dick where it hurt the most. And that was when SHTF.
I now know that there was still some spicy stuff of the chilis on my hands, not visible but still there.
So all the water did was wash the spicy stuff from my hands into all the little cracks of my skin. And now my hole dick burnt like fire. I started to realize the cause of the burn, but the damage was done. But as if it wasn't enough that half of my dick was in severe pain, the sting started to also come from my balls. I think I must have plucked out a hair or so which left some torn skin. Now the whole package was on fire.
I couldn't figure out how to stop the pain, I started crying like a baby winding myself on the floor. I tried to apply Bepanthen and ice cubes nothing really helped. I was even afraid of cupping my balls in fear of increasing the pain. The pain subdued after 5 minutes which felt like days.
Now I am lying in bed with a ice cubes on my red dick trying to fall asleep and forget those miserable 10 minutes of my life.
I'm not a native in English.
edit:spelling + update: I washed the dishes, thanks to the hot water the chili worked its way through my skin. my hand is now pulsating.
caring_gentleman: You need to fuck some yogurt
chiefyurt: i had the idea to pour myself a glass of milk and put my dick in it. it would have had the same effect as quenching scorching steel into water
[deleted]: TIFU and teabagged a glass of milk after jerking with chilis.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1410783642 | 1410810274 | t3_2ggbgu | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by strategically masturbating
Okay, so I don't masturbate very often, but when I do, I like to make sure I know for certain my roommate won't be around.
Last night, my roommate went upstairs with a girl. I figured he'd ended up spending the night, so that morning, I jacked off as soon as I woke up. Then I got up and took a shower. When I came back, my roommate was in bed, looking at his phone.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER HE NOTICED. HOW CAN SOMEBODY NOT NOTICE? WOULD HE CONFRONT ME IF HE NOTICED? I DO NOT KNOW.
tl:dr I jacked off in front of my roommate without realizing it
lord_sherlock_holmes: Dude, he jacked it watching you jack it! He just finished sooner...so you got that going for ya!
da-blingking: Which is nice......
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1410784584 | 1410794151 | t3_2ggcjl | t5_2to41 | 659 | leisiko: TIFU by blowing a raspberry on my boyfriend
goldfishgraveyard: Could have happened to anyone. It snot your fault.
QwertyTheKeyboard: No one ever nose when something like this is about to happen.
xROSSTHEHOSSx: Yeah don't let anyone get yah down just forget flem
Vid-Master: Sorry Ross The Hoss, that one was pretty bad.
xROSSTHEHOSSx: maybe i just wanted to cause some....congestion....yeah i suck at this im sorry.
Vid-Master: I rarely comment on those because I am terrible at them too.
xROSSTHEHOSSx: practice makes perfect or you know makes you cry
Kynandra: You need to pick your battles son.
| 9 | 73.222222 | |
1410786144 | 1410802415 | t3_2ggen4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | OKELEUK: TIFU by forgetting to feed my cats
Context: I live at my moms house and we have cats, we live on the basr floor aswell.
My mom recently got a accident and was brought to the hospital with a expected time to stay there for+1 month and i decided to live with my dad for the while, we live quite far away so i packed a lot of stuff which would allow me to stay at pops for atleast a week
So my dad arrived with his car and after locking the door and doing all the bags in the car.
However, i forgot to close the door to my garden in the back and forgot to give my 2 cats more of their food.
After 2 days i realised after visiting my mom in the hospital, we Quickly went to my home.
The entire garden, eaten basically, luckily enough they still had water, i quickly gave my cats to eat and decided not to tell about that 10 years of my moms work was destroyed.
TL;DR: forgot to give my cats to eat while moving houses temporarily, they ate the garden basically, 10 years of my moms work destroyed.
gwimmerr: at least you didn't find them dead and fermenting in the house.
OKELEUK: Yup... Thats.. Good.. I guess?
BigBobsBootyBarn: "Your garden is destroyed" vs "Your garden is destroyed, Mitsy and Sir purrs have moved on to the better life, and oh btw we need new carpet."
OKELEUK: I really love those cats though im just used to them getting fed by my mom :P
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1410787245 | 1410811712 | t3_2ggg77 | t5_2to41 | 33 | Edrondol: TIFU by air drumming in my car
So this morning I'm on my way to work and a song I really love - Time by Pink Floyd - came on the radio. As usual, I do the drum part on my steering wheel. So I'm really getting into it and I am just *killing it* when I happen to look over at the car next to me. A couple of young girls were staring at me with weird expressions. I thought they were laughing at my getting into the radio so I smiled at them snagging me. They looked like they were going to throw up and drove away very fast. It was about that time that I realized that I was drumming on the lower part of the steering wheel and in the minivan I was in it must have looked like I was doing something other than drumming.
I hope they didn't call the police because I'm not sure if they'd believe me.
[deleted]: I would have figured they were impressed....2 hand jerking while driving. That takes talent.
Edrondol: We were sitting at a light at the time.
[deleted]: so...TIFU...was sitting at a light beating my meat when 2 girls spotted me and I played it off like I was air drumming. :)
Edrondol: Dude, it was Pink Floyd. You can't jerk it to Pink Floyd!
Michael_Goodwin: Yes you can.
Edrondol: [Sigh](http://imgur.com/sKeJzrZ)
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1410787059 | 1410827552 | t3_2ggfw6 | t5_2to41 | 4,034 | OwowowOwows: TIFU By realising my entire life I had been doing something the wrong way.
Reddit, My whole life, I have been fluffing up, and here is why.
You may think the Shampoo before Conditioner rule is simple, no? Well, so do I now, but, until less than a day ago, this was not so clear too me. I'll start at the begging. My entire life I have been washing my hair the incorrect way. I have been putting conditioner in before my shampoo. Every morning I would get up and assume that everyone experiences their hair to be a texture like the dried up ground of mars, or to think that theirs was very similar to thousands of pieces of straw. But no, it wasn't until I was talking to my friend about how they wondering what would happen if they put conditioner in before shampoo, that I have been doing it all wrong.
This morning, I tried putting my conditioner and shampoo in the correct way round. After my shower, I put my hands through my hair, and it felt like a great goddess and had got a beautiful piece of silk from heaven and replaced it with my hair. It felt so glorious, I realised what I had been missing out on.
So yes Reddit, my whole life I have very much been fluffing up.
monkeypunchluff: As a guy who has never used conditioner, I feel like I'm missing out on something important here...
DondeT: Find a girl with long hair - or a guy, whatever, the best place is in a supermarket queue. Run your hands through their hair, then tell them they need to wash it so you can conclude your experiment. Maintain eye contact the whole time so it's not weird.
purpl3un1c0rn21: I have long hair (guy) and I don't condition it, it gets smooth enough just with shampoo so I have no need for conditioner, infact all the conditioner does is make it greasy.
DondeT: In which case, you are:
a) Lucky with your hair type
b) Using the wrong conditioner
c) Putting the conditioner on your roots where it's not needed - add it to the lengths of your hair to make it manageable. If you slap conditioner on your scalp everything will get lank and gross.
Also "smooth enough" probably uses a different scale for men and for women...
purpl3un1c0rn21: I think I'm just lucky with my hair, although it is kept under good care ( for a guy ) with washing every day ( with long hair this really isn't optional ) and brushing before leaving the house.
beaniepoodle: If you started skipping washing days, your hair would be less oily. I see the effects pretty quickly--if I skip a wash day or two, next time I wash my hair, it stays clean longer.
beetus_wrangler: Yes! /r/haircarescience has some great info for those interested. I started co-washing a few months ago (washing my hair every day with just conditioner and occasionally using sulfate-free shampoo) and my hair has become so much less oily. It feels cleaner than it did when I used shampoo.
hollyhood: If you haven't tried a baking soda rinse followed by an apple cider vinegar rinse, I highly recommend it. I use less than a table spoon of baking soda mixed with about 4 cups of water, same with the ACV. Your hair will have the most amazing texture and will feel so silky smooth.
sir-winkles: Do you condition it after this, or is that the whole routine?
hollyhood: That's the whole routine. Sometimes if my hair feels excessively dirty (post camping or workout) I pour the baking soda solution and then sort of scrub like I would with normal shampoo. Usually though I just pour baking soda solution and then rinse, repeat with ACV. It's super quick and easy.
sir-winkles: Neat thank you!
hollyhood: Anytime!
| 13 | 310.307692 | |
1410788701 | 1411012739 | t3_2ggi9k | t5_2to41 | 817 | Hamzabaig: TIFU by poking my teacher with my erection
I was getting up to do my presentation but had an awkward boner (great timing). So yeah, i was walking towards her, tried to slide past her, felt the head jab into her abdomen. I fucked up indeed.
Brians89: *dominance intensifies*
Hamzabaig: *Doesn't break eye contact with teacher*
Syn_Claire: Did you get an A for your presentation? If so then you can be proud of your manhood.
Hamzabaig: I think it's safe to say, I got a D.
slento86: *She* got a D.
I_lost_my_negroness: Maybe it was a male teacher and he truely got the D.
K3NN3Y: He got the double D.
arod944: Just the tip.
[deleted]: Just for a minute..
| 10 | 81.7 | |
1410789461 | 1410789996 | t3_2ggjdj | t5_2to41 | 10 | higgsboson1997: TIFU by drinking the wrong drink.
I woke up thirsty in the middle of the night. Grabbed a bottle from the table next to the bed and took a swig... Turned out to be vinegar, and tasted like eternal damnation. I couldn't sleep after that, and I'm really groggy now.
BTW, the vinegar had been in a clear jar, so I'd presumed before going to bed that it was water instead and had taken it to my bed. Little did I expect tragedy that would follow.
cincE3030: why do you have jars of vinegar lying around?
higgsboson1997: I don't. My mom does- it comes in a bottle.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410787995 | 1410974656 | t3_2ggha1 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by moving to another state for someone I loved, then getting dumped a week later.
To be fair, the reason behind the breakup was 100% my fault.
I just moved to a new state where I know nobody, I have a new job that's super demanding, and my home isn't even ready for move in yet. It was all worth it, though, because I loved everything about this man. We had plans for the future together and I have never had a relationship like this before.
Friday we broke up.
So, here I am living in hotels with my two young kids and dog and wanting to drink lots of wine and cry. At least I'm not pregnant (I hope).
Edit: I hid something major from him about some stuff with my ex husband/child's father. It's something I just really don't want to bring up with anyone. He found out part of it and so he ended things and blocked me from every aspect of my life. I know I fucked up and betrayed his trust. I never really was able to explain everything to him.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Ahem:
1. You need to give details.
2. Your past is your past, you can't be held responsible for something you did when you didn't even know your current lover existed.
3. He was probably looking for a way out and used that as an excuse.
Seriously, think about it hard for a second. If he felt the same way as you did, he would've been heartbroken about the lie but still wanted to be with you. People who don't even give the relationship a chance are most likely not 100% invested in the first place. It's a sad truth but it exists.
mtersen: No, your past very much matters to every lover. Just because I robbed a bank IN THE PAST doesn't mean im not still a horrible person. And if they did know the current lover existed and altered their behaviour because of it then that shows dishonesty and very poor character, which means you are definitely not marriage material. The people who say "the past doesn't matter" only say that because they have a past to hide, and it usually because they were a total whore before meeting their SO.
BigBobsBootyBarn: This is not true. Also, robbing a bank is illegal and causes detriment to others. Sleeping with someone or having more past partners than your current spouse would care to know about is not illegal, bad, wrong, nor is it hurting anyone in any way.
Your "the people who say the past doesn't matter have something to hide" argument is completely flawed. We ALL make mistakes. We all have something we've probably not 100% divulged with our partners. Most couples talk about their previous partners and mistakes, but in no way do you have a *right* to be mad at them for their past. If you think otherwise you're going to have a hard time finding a meaningful relationship.
mtersen: Okay, so what do you say when you find out that your wife was a prostitute for 5 years before you met?
BigBobsBootyBarn: Do you love her? Do you believe she has changed? What if you found this out 5 years into your relationship? What if she gave you no other reason to doubt her other than the prostitute past that you recently found out about? Once again it's not fair.
If you love the person and believe it was a bad decision (paying for college, making money, just being a whore etc.) Then why ruin a good thing?
mtersen: If she told me up front, thats one thing. if she hides her past, that means she hasn't changed and does not feel remorseful until she is found out. And no one wants a wife that has done everything with hundreds of people, let alone kiss a person that disgusting.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1410788867 | 1410791469 | t3_2ggihy | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By (almost) hitting a pedestrian
This actully happened twenty minutes ago. Sorry for the formatting as I am typing this on my phone in my organic chem class. Well there I was, slightly late for school. My school must have a hard on thinking about four way stops because my school has about 40 of them.No one in this state knows how a four way stops work. It was my turn to go and 40-year old John Jenkins who is way too old to be going to school tried to force his way into the middle (almost hitting me). Of course I was irate and giving him the dikembe mutombo, "no, no, no... Not today" head shake and finger wag. When I see the kid in front of me. He was quick on his feet thank God. Jumped out of my way and all I could do was scream I'm so sorry. Let's just hope I don't get my car keyed.
TL;DR: Got pissed in a four way stop. while irate with another driver I almost hit a kid. HE WASNT EVEN JAYWALKING.
DreamTherapy: The real question is, how's organic chem going?
readyforhappines: Ridiculous. Just got done with HOMO and LUMO of aromatics. Didn't understand it at all. I'm amazing at all of the synthesis and radical reactions. But I don't understand the molecular orbitals at all.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410786005 | 1410866473 | t3_2ggefd | t5_2to41 | 124 | reatrocity: TIFU by touching a rabbi.
TIFU by almost kissing a rabbi on the cheek at a Bar Mitzvah. When he backed away I instead shook his hand. Little did I know they aren't supposed to touch other women but their wives, for fear the other woman is menstruating. Well, I am menstruating. So the rabbi needs to go get some kind of Jewish baptism.
I was horribly embarrassed, to say the least.
Lookatmybeanie: This is a throwaway. Nobody in my community needs to know I browse here. But I'm an Orthodox Jew and there are some things wrong here.
Not touching women doesn't have anything to do with menstruating. The rabbi doesn't need to "get a baptism." There's no ritual at all. Every time I get on a subway, I end up accidentally touching women. It isn't a problem. It shouldn't be a cause for awkwardness.
Which brings me to...
The Rabbi shouldn't have reacted that way. Embarrassing someone is a much bigger problem in our religion than receiving unsolicited friendly hugs from nice ladies. He should be posting the TIFU.
jewami: > Not touching women doesn't have anything to do with menstruating
Except that that's not true. I'll agree that there are other issues as well, but how can you argue that touching a niddah is not an issue? How else can you explain the issur of men and women touching before marriage (since the girl is a niddah starting from her first period until she goes to the mikvah the first time). True, other considerations make it not a good idea, but the fact that she is a niddah makes it assur.
Lookatmybeanie: Except that you're wrong. If she was not niddah (menstruating), it would not change whether I'm allowed to give her a hug, etc. It wouldn't change a thing. You are mistaken. I understand why you have this mistaken understanding, in that I am very familiar with the sources. But you are nonetheless mistaken.
jewami: ??? The only way to remove tumah status is through a mikvah. If she has never been in a mikvah, she is a niddah. Even if she is not currently menstruating, she's still a niddah. Derech chibah is then assur at least d'rabbanan if not d'oraisa. What is wrong with what I said?
Lookatmybeanie: Look, this is not really the forum for this conversation. But to be clear, if she had gone to mikvah, it would not change a thing.
5unbr0: >Look, this is not really the forum for this conversation.
By all means continue, this is like watching people argue over which pokemon is the strongest, meaningless yet entertaining.
No offence intended.
Lookatmybeanie: It's friggin' Charizard, ok?! How many times so I have to explain this!?
| 8 | 15.5 | |
1410788872 | 1410804759 | t3_2ggiib | t5_2to41 | 8 | LeeChurch: TIFU by trying to unclog a toilet + more
(ok it wasn't technically today)
I was on rugby tour in Chile. me and the rest of the team had just arrived in Santiago after a 12 hour flight and went out to a steakhouse to eat.
the steak was stupidly expensive, so I had a burger with pulled pork and bbq sauce (9/10 would eat again). a few drinks were had. but only a couple of pints , nothing excessive.
I don't drink fast very well. so after downing a pint (peer pressure ftw) I felt like I might throw up. In order to be discreet and not make a scene, I quickly went to the toilet. I needed a dump anyway so it made sense.
I got into the loo, walked into a stall (the only one) and sat down. I did my business and stood up. after standing over the bowl for a few moments, I threw up. mission accomplished. nobody was subjected to wretching or a dirty restaurant to clean, and I had kept my dignity.
I flush and put my jacket on to walk back out. TO MY HORROR, the waters in the bowl don't recede. they just stay at a higher level mocking me. I panic. I flush again (bad move) and the level rises again. I frantically look around for a plunger and don't find one.
there's only one thing for it. I roll up my sleeve and plunwge my arm into the mixture of Pisa. shot and sick I had just deposited. I feel around for the blockage and pull it apart with my fingers. pulling my arm back out. I tense and flush again...... the water rises.... and rises.... and flows over the rim and onto the floor.
I do what any reasonable person would do and gyro.
I wash my arm off in the sink and one of my mates woke in. standing in front of the one cubicle I tell him "we gotta go dude, now".
we paid the bill and went back to the hotel. it was horrible.
now, it gets worse. the hotel decided that I no longer had my room (duck me right) so I had to find somewhere else to sleep. I put my bags in some friends room and said I would be bck for them when I sorted it out.
at 2am I walk back in after arguing with the hotel staff and sleep on the floor in their room.
TWICE THAT NIGHT they went to the bathrooms and stood on my head/body.
all in all, an interesting and in hindsight pretty interesting night.
BlknTan99: Interesting read op, interesting read, I would have just left it alone after the second flush but you sir have balls of steel.
LeeChurch: I didn't want to leave the cleaning up people something quite that bad. I know it's their job.... But still
BlknTan99: I could see where your coming from.
| 4 | 2 | |
1410789120 | 1410792656 | t3_2ggiwj | t5_2to41 | 34 | peeenuuus: TIFU by fucking my best friends sister in front of him
You know, the usual saturday night...
The story begins when I'm ending my work shift on Saturday night. I wont tell you where i work so no one can make connections. I get a call 4.45 am from my friend who's been drinking heavily to come over to his dads place where he and his sister are getting more wasted after a night out. He wants a ride to his apartment from his dads house where the said sister lives also. I'm going to refer the friend as A, me as B and the sister as C. I'm borrowing A's car by the way to get to work.
So, I arrive and A and C are ossified drunk. They've just finished downing a bottle vodka together. I'm very annoyed at this point since I'm stone sober. We proceed to hang out for half an hour eating and talking etc. Then A gets a grand idea to go to a nearby gas station for breakfast because they have a great breakfast buffet that opens at 5.30. I'm like "sure whatever I'll take you. We'll just have to wait for half an hour" A says: "I'll just get 20 minutes of shuteye and we're off" Mr.A then proceeds to passing out on the floor. C decides shuteye is a good idea also and goes to bed which is right next to where A is laying down. C then asks me over to the bed "for company". I'm like "sure whatever bitch"
So, I'm laying next to C while A is going in and out of consciousness while talking to me and C. As feet are pointing to the bed while I proceed to under the covers with C. I decide to start inappropriately fondling C just for the lulz totally expecting me to slap my hand away. She does not hinder my exploration in any way. Oh this is interesting and start going further. I go from boobs and attempt to get to flesh curtain city. Now she puts on the breaks. At this point C is laying on her right side. I'm laying behind her and A's feet are pointing at us on the floor where he is now talking with C. I can't, for the life of me, remember what they were discussing, since I was preoccupied. You'll soon learn why. This was playing in the back round during all this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hp6CcqKLcL8 (I don't know how to hyperlink)
C starts taking off her pants while she and her brother are still talking I'm like W T F. But hey, who am I to say no to her, she's actually quite hot. His eyes are closed at this point. Conversation is still going on from bed to floor while her pants are slowly coming. Slowly, because it's difficult to do this discreetly while C's BROTHER is laying 2 feet away. Eventually, all the pants are gone on her part and kicked under the covers. She directs my fingers to her flesh cavern and I enter. The squishing sound is quite loud at first and it can actually be heard over the music. But who cares. After a couple of minutes A falls asleep and I see my opportunity. I direct her hand on my nether regions and in my mind go "fuck me, this is actually happening." I start discreetly taking my pants off. The fucker is still sleeping next to us. It takes a good 2 minutes to get the pants off and she starts jacking my fun stick which is like a noodle. She can't get it hard I can't get it hard. It's too god damn never wrecking I can't harden.
Then I do something that requires a massive effort on my part. I go from her side to her front where she is well spread touching her self. I'm having performance issues since when I turn my head to my left there's my friend sleeping who's sister I'm about to fuck. He can literally just open his eyes look up and see us naked from the waist down, her spread wide and me over her jacking my cock trying to get hard. I'm also doing the 90 day Nofap challenge and I'm contemplating wheter this is cheating or not. I decide it isn't. So, I'm mushrooming my half flaccid dick inside her with both thumbs to the beat of Madonna while his brother is 2 feet away from us.
Eventually we're off to the races and we start both partaking in teh sexy times. After 5 minutes of humping and paranoia ends one of the most serious fuck up I've ever made in my life. My insides feel like they've been sucked into a black vortex while i watch her pushing out my white load on her bed. I then take my white naked ass, stand next to my friend and put on my pants as FAST as possible. I then go lay next to her with my clothes on contemplating my life. It smells like cum in on the bed. I am disgusted. A and C are both passed out at this point. I go to the living room and stare in to the void for a good 10 minutes. I then take HIS car and drive it to his house (we live close to each other). He was passed out on the floor still. He never got his ride.
On Sunday me and A go golfing and to dinner. He's clueless.
Ya, so that's that..
PM_ME_Booty_PicsPlz: ...Since no one else is saying it and I don't care about my karma history I'm going to point this out: it's not super ethical to be sober and sleep with a chick who is trashed dude. They killed an entire bottle of vodka, they were on the verge of passing out drunk, and that's when **SOBER** you decided to start copping a feel?
Was she drunk enough she doesn't even remember having sex with you? 'Cause it doesn't sound like you talked to her about this yet. I'm not going to flat out call you a rapist, but you're not terribly far away from being one either. For that matter, if she wanted to press charges against you and make you a rapist/sex offender for the rest of your life, she'd be perfectly capable of doing so. And I'm not entirely convinced from your story that she would be in the wrong for doing exactly that.
peeenuuus: She was more into it than i was. She was saying it felt good during the act and she wanted more after we were done. Wasn't rape.
PM_ME_Booty_PicsPlz: What'd she say the next day?
peeenuuus: She was only concerned with whether his brother had any clue.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1410790445 | 1410792280 | t3_2ggky0 | t5_2to41 | 36 | rockaroni: TIFU by trying to give reddit gold
This just happened. I admit it's not the most royal of fuck ups, but I still feel like a jerk for this. I'm also hoping wiser redditor a than myself might have suggestions to fix this. I tried to give some awesome redditor a little gold for their heroic story.....and since I'm on my mobile at work ( safest way to browse reddit given the environment ) my not so delicate fingers hit the "report" link instead of the "give gold" and the story disappeared. First off why is the report button next to the gold button? Second this probably would have been avoided it I just zoomed in. I have no idea how to remedy the situation.
Sorry fellow redditor! I didn't mean it.
Edit: /u/Anonforsenate made a wise observation that I had, in fact hidden the story from myself. Being that I'm on my phone I didn't even see the "hidden" tab. Welp I feel stupid...but gold was given. So ends well
S0LDIER-X: I'm browing on my iPod, and I guess I'm not on the mobile site. I've accidently downvoting 3 people that I tried to upvote bevause my finger was slightly to low. I quickly upvoted them though. I've also hit report a few times but it always had a "Are you sure?" type thing appear, so I was able to hit cancel.
rockaroni: That's happened to me too. I was rather confused when the whole story just disappeared. I thought I had hit a filter of sorts. But I can't see to find it at all.
S0LDIER-X: well, I don't know how stuff after reporting works but I hope everything turns out ok :D
rockaroni: Thanks!
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1410790225 | 1410799743 | t3_2ggkmd | t5_2to41 | 2 | tifu_throwaway_man: TIFU by taking DXM before my critical writing Class
[10:08] : I can't tell if my face is melting and if anyone else can notice probably not. Yeah i'm good. right?
Man this class is bullshit this teacher just keeps jumping around from topic to topic. I can hear my pores
Sir_not_sir: Watch out for the spiders.
[deleted]: Spiders is DPH.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410793450 | 1410837877 | t3_2ggpwe | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking off my jeans during class
This FU happened today in the Signal and Systems (SS) class.
It was a boring day as usual.Every SS class is super boring with nearly everyone in the class sleeping and the professor teaching the few awake students for 2 hours.I usually sit somewhere in the middle and sleep.
Today I came to the class late and sat at the last bench as there was no other place.Our classroom is long and rectangular so the professor hardly came to the back of the class.I sat down and decided it would be good if i removed my jeans and sleep in the boxers i was wearing inside. So I stripped down to my boxers during the class,shoved the jeans in my desk and slept.It was a good 90 minutes sleep until I woke up when the professor from the front screamed "**You at the back sleeping.Stand up!**".I put up my head and looked around to see my friend on my left and the one on the right sleeping with their heads down.Then I saw the professor staring at me and said "**Last bench Two boys,stand up!**".I quickly woke the guy next to me and we stood up.He came to the last and told us to stand on the bench so the whole class can see who was sleeping.I stood there for 30 seconds not standing up on the bench because I was wearing my boxers.Then I finally stood on the bench and the whole class started laughing.Then after the class, I wore my jeans and everyone was thinking from where I got the jeans from.
TL;DR:Took off my jeans in class to sleep comfortably and teacher made me stand on the bench while I was wearing my boxers.
mypethuman: Do you have aspergers or something? Who the fuck takes off pants in class?? What?
RandomG1rl: How would being an Aspie make someone take their pants off publicly? Source: am an Aspie wearing pants in public.
mypethuman: I was under the impression that aspies have difficulty judging what is appropriate in social situations as well as interpreting social cues and stuff. Just read a bit, looks like I was largely mistaken
RandomG1rl: Somewhat it's more like misunderstanding things like body language, tone, and facial expressions. Things like I mess with you and you say "get the fuck outta here." I may think you are upset and really want me to leave. We interpret things very literally.
The social awkwardness can also be if I am telling you a million facts about my pet lizard and I think you are enjoying listening and don't pick up on you checking your watch or things like that.
Often with Aspies we are intelligent but just not great at interpersonal communication and we have difficulties expressing empathy. Not that we don't feel sad when your grandma dies we just don't get how the appropriate way is to show that we are sad for you.
If you ever want to know more stuff feel free to pm me any questions. I can't speak for every aspie but I might be able to offer more insight.
mypethuman: Very cool.
I mean, not for people with aspergers. I mean for me. To learn. Thank you
| 6 | 2 | |
1410790378 | 1410810375 | t3_2ggku6 | t5_2to41 | 100 | turk1ish: TIFU my entire life by cheating on my ex ...with crazy (part 2)
Part 2:
In case you missed part 1 - It's posted [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2gfw88/tifu_my_entire_life_by_cheating_on_my_ex_with/).
Very long post, but you may enjoy knowing that someone, somewhere, is making worse deicisions than you.
So in the morning I get 3 phone calls. One from my ex in the psych ward. One from the doctor in the psych ward. One from her daddy (Who, by the way, was on vacation with her whole family. Oops.)
2 days later they all fly out (minus him, of course). They pack up her things and give me looks like they want to kill me. And I don't blame them.
One week or so later, her daddy finally shows up. Tells me not to worry though, he won't charge me for the plane ticket. I was ready to strangle him. Seriously. Fuck this dude. He proceeds to tell me that he does not want me to ever speak to his daughter again, tries to get a restraining order, and tries to get me banned from the hotel property. Being as I had to drive my buddy's GF to work again, that shit didn't fly with me.
So yeah, I'm back to driving this ungrateful bitch to work every day (I forgot to mention how much I DETEST her. She never puts gas in my car, because she spends it all on dope. She also was dealing to my GF, so I hate her even more for contributing to her craziness.). My buddy has to pay for her gas, and he can't really afford it. So guess who's putting an extra tank and a half of gas in his car every week? Yup - yours truly. Turkish. I did it because I had put us all in a tight spot financially with one less roommate and felt bad about it.
So that's extra stress. Now needless to say I did not handle this breakup well mentally. About a month and a half later (ish) and ~$600 in whiskey, I try to handle this like an adult and get a second job to handle to stress (11). Yeah, so I'm over-working myself now. Extra stress, and a new roommate who was kind of a moron. Also he kept borrowing my car every day to drive around with his GF and also didnt put gas in it. I let this continue cause at this point I was like a walking empty shell. (12)
Finally the stress snapped all of us. New roommate and best friend got in a fist fight. New roommate got kicked out of house. Oh yeah, this also happened while I was at work. What did they fight about you ask? My car. Straight up. MY fucking car.
Well that was it. I went on Kijiji and found a nice bedroom to live in. I moved out at the end of that month and took my car with me. No more free rides for bitch roommate, no more rides for best friend. At this point, I hated my best friend as well, and was ready to bring a shotgun to work.
So after a couple months in my new place, I finally start getting stir-crazy. I meet this nice-ish girl (who I saw tonight and made me want to write this whole thing) and we start hanging out. On Canada day, we decide to go out for a drive (13). What a terrible idea. We live in a tourist town, so the streets were just... horrendous. So bad, in fact, that I got rear-ended. As a matter of fact, I posted a TIFU about [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/29lozr/tifu_by_going_for_a_drive_with_a_girl_i_like/) story too. Got some spare time?
If you didn't go down the rabbit hole I left, allow me to explain - I got rear-ended, totalled my car off, and had to miss over a month of work. Me and that girl are no longer speaking (Turns out she had a 2-year-old daughter and her baby daddy wanted to slit my throat. I sure know how to pick em hey?).
So, 13 fuck ups and a few thousand dollars later, I've learned my lesson. Hopefully the Karma god will forgive me now.
For those of you who would like to know, I am currently still holding down both jobs, but I'm too stressed to operate because one is 40 hours a week and one is 30. I can't quit either because I need the money to finance my new car and afford my rent. This is the most expensive place I could possible live.
The good news is this:
My new roommate and I get along great!
I managed to secure a bank loan and am financing a used car which is amazing!
Me and my best friend are talking again as of 2 days ago.
After writing this post, I feel as though I may finally let go of my ex and be able to sleep at night again.
And finally, I'll have enough money saved up to move and start my life over again come the end of my lease. I guess that maybe the harder you fall, the farther you bounce back. You're all beautiful, Reddit. Have a kick-ass Monday.
If I missed any important info please comment it and I'll do my best to fill you in.
EDIT on both posts: Formatting/grammar
Swiftdeus: Place, Provence.... Has to be...
edit: FIXED
turk1ish: shhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I don't want anyone to know I lived in Canada's STI capital
kowanian: Craven/Regina?
turk1ish: Mountains
ore_no_tono: Vancouver? Baniff?
turk1ish: Secrets
ore_no_tono: Dang it. Can you at least answer me this? West coast or east?
turk1ish: West coast. In the aforementioned comments it is the sti capital of canada. Im sure you can figure it out
ionizable: well at least you didn't get an sti on top of all that... unless you did... #silverlinings?
turk1ish: #silverlinings
| 11 | 9.090909 | |
1410794335 | 1410821375 | t3_2ggre9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | AcolyteZ: TIFU - Buying a new car for my pizza delivery job
Really simple and stupid on me. I had been looking for a cheap car for about a month and my mom, told me my aunt was selling one for 900 dollars. I didn't even ask what it was, what it looked like, or when I could get it. Five minutes, and 900 dollars later and I'm standing in front of a 1996 Oldsmobile Bravada. I think, oh dam. Gas mileage isn't good, I can't exactly deliver fast, and it was all my fuck up. Don't buy cars like I do.
R15K: You bought a car without even asking what type or make/model it was for a job that requires driving it around? You deserve whatever stupidity comes out of this.
AcolyteZ: oh well. that's what i get for helping family. it, saddly, gets better gas mileage than my 70 chevy love truck i was previously using
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410794315 | 1410808526 | t3_2ggrd8 | t5_2to41 | 58 | Shotgun10ga: TIFU By showing my neighbours my dick.
Ok so I am a try hard gamer. I was playing gta5 in my underwear and my mom comes in my room to tell me to move sand bags off the front porch. So I can't find pants and I'm like "fuck it. I'll go in my underwear". So I ran down the step out side in my underwear and I proceed to move the sand bags. I am about to carry the last sand bag to the backyard and all of a sudden the neighbours come home. I am like what ever and proceed to keep moving the last bag. They beep their horn at me and I drop the bag and I wave. I picked the bag back up and I dropped it in the back yard and walked to the front doer of my house . Half way there the neighbour came out of the house with 2 little girls and I say " how's it going"? The girls scream and run inside. I thought to my self what happened? I look down and my dick is hanging out of my underwear. I had a boner at the time. I will update when something else happens.
EDIT: Added some details.
rzmohno: boxers suck
ShowerThoughtsAllDay: My boxers have a button in the front, SPECIFICALLY to prevent this from happening.
Before I that, I bought little snaps and installed them. I like walking around in boxers, I don't like walking around with my wang dangling free.
rzmohno: two words: boxer briefs.
men's undies masterrace.
ShowerThoughtsAllDay: I wear them while working out, but I want more 'freedom' while going about my daily business.
Not to mention the front flap is horribly constricting when trying to pee. It's like a hose draped over a fence; half of it can never get lower than the faucet until you put it away.
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1410731365 | 1410881554 | t3_2geina | t5_2to41 | 5 | noobplus: TIFU by eating spicy food while being sick.
I got some Chinese food, and covered it in the crushed red pepper/chili oil. I had a big mouthful of spicy food when a sneeze came on. I had two choices.
1. Sneeze through my mouth and spew a mouthful of chewed up chinese onto my monitor, computer and speakers.
2. Sneeze through my nose and face the consequences.
Since I like my computer more than myself, I went with option 2, through the nose. This resulted in some of the food I was already in the process of swallowing coming back up and out my nose. Well, most of it went out the nose...some of it is still lodged there. Burning. It's been burning for a while now.
lord_sherlock_holmes: uhm...why couldn't you just turn your head and sneeze away from your computer? Seems like the MOST logical thing to do
noobplus: Still would've sprayed chewed rice and chicken all over my couch and carpet...
lord_sherlock_holmes: Yes, but computer would be safe and so would your nose. Seems like the least troublesome place to do it.
noobplus: My computer is at mouth level. It has 2 intake fans on the front.
| 5 | 1 | |
1410797629 | 1410886702 | t3_2ggxml | t5_2to41 | 22 | lotulaii: TIFU By kissing my housemates best friend.
Background: 20 [F]
I've lived in this house for about a month and she and him had been friends forever.
This all happened in a week's time. He and I knew there was something between us from the moment we saw each other. We flirted a bit, made a lot of eye contact and eventually kissed. Little did we know the problems we just made.
Apparently my housemate and him have a bit of history together with all kinds of complicated stuff like feelings. I did not know that.
So now they are in a fight, my housemate won't talk to me and he and I had to make the decision that we could never be together because of her. We had to break things off even though we really like each other.
I really don't know what to do now. I tried to talk to her but she doesn't want to see me.
Today, I fucked up.
TL;DR: I kissed my housemate's best friend and now it's all fucked up.
~~First post, but I had to tell my story~~
knowsomeofit: Find a new housemate. Tada.
lotulaii: if only it was that easy :')
knowsomeofit: No really. You are not responsible for other people's complicated feelings. She can either get over it, or you can find a new housemate.
lotulaii: Well me and the guy decided not to pursue anything romantic since she will flip out, and we hope everything just blows over.
knowsomeofit: That seems like an unfortunate decision.
lotulaii: It is, because we were really into each other. But I guess it's for the best and the peace in the house.
[deleted]: This is really sad. He's interested in you, obviously. It's kind of selfish of your friend to prevent you from being happy just because her feelings for him are complicated. If he wanted to be with her, that would've happened by now.
lotulaii: Yeah that's the past thingy, they used to have something going on, but he didn't have the same feelings for her, hence the complicated situation
[deleted]: I totally get that you don't want to mess up the friendship. I don't think the two of you kissing is bad or wrong. Your friend doesn't own this guy.
Life is really short. Is there a possibility that you might talk to this friend about how you're feeling about this guy? Don't you think she'd rather you be happy?
lotulaii: I haven't talked to her yet, but yeh you're kinda right. All I know is that he said it would hurt her a lot to see me and him together.
[deleted]: It sucks. It's a crappy position, especially for you, to be in.
lotulaii: Yeh it really is. I hope she wants to talk to me today and that we can solve this. You can cut the tension with a knife..
[deleted]: Keep us posted!!
lotulaii: Update:
Me and my housemate spoke about it and she's not angry and luckily everything is back the way it was. But there's absolutely no chance that me and him can ever get together for as long as either me or her still lives here..
| 15 | 1.466667 | |
1410793621 | 1410800398 | t3_2ggq6s | t5_2to41 | 4 | Hawtplejt: TIFU By not going home when I noticed a bad omen
I started my day off fine, took a shower, brushed my teeth, left at the same time as usual and somehow ended up at school 30 minutes earlier than I usually do, I have no idea how, but I knew the day would suck then. (I take any differences in my daily routine as bad omens) So to start it off I take a math test which I completely misunderstood because I thought it would mostly rely on applying problems to formulas, which the teacher wrote down on the board.
Boy was I wrong. I failed pretty much every single one of the 5 out of 17 questions that I actually answered.
But I already was aware that there is no person shittier at math and better at not studying than me, so I got past it quickly. Skip to the end of the day when I was showing my friends some funny videos I found on Reddit, I accidentally ended up revealing my username to one of my friends who had been searching for it for a year, it revealed some embarassing and personal stuff so I had to delete it, 981 comment karma down the drain. That was worse than failing math for me, so I decide to head home when I come across this new scottish guy who's skating on a mini board or whatever and I ask him if I can try it out, and he let's me. Now I'm the type of person who has nearly zero shame and thats how I get most of my attention and friends (Sad, I know) so I decide to push myself down my empty school hall with my knees on the board. I'm looking down the entire time and end up skating into the strictest teacher in the school and she confiscates the board and gets both of our names while some people in my class watch laughing they're asses off. WHen it comes to teachers knowing about my wierdness I kind of draw the line so this broke me. I left school that day embarassed, ashamed, without a reddit account and I found out later from others that I smelled like shit all day, which I can vouch for, since I just came home and the stench is real. And it's freaking monday.
**TLDR My school reputation is ruined and I smell like utter shit**
Weasel_Chops: I'm glad you've had an eventful day....
Hawtplejt: Yeah my life's rather dull.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410791692 | 1410818814 | t3_2ggn19 | t5_2to41 | 12 | aguamineral: TIFU by trying the FORD method in a conversation with strangers.
So I work in advertising. I had a meeting with potential new clients and everybody was there when I got to their office except for their boss. So we had to make small talk.
I went for the ford method, family, occupation, recreation, dreams.
Except I confuse the terms and, for some reason, confused the O with origami.
So we started talking about origami. They never done origami in their lives, neither have I, but I was trusting the ford method.
It was very awkward and the meeting got awkward too, while I was presenting in the middle of the meeting and they started joking around about origami.
Needless to say, we didn't get the deal.
samestuff: ...How do you confuse Occupation with Origami?? Unless your job is folding pieces of paper, jeez.
Ghostofazombie: There's no limit to the things you can confuse for one another when you're completely and utterly making up a story.
| 3 | 4 | |
1410799779 | 1410993829 | t3_2gh1k6 | t5_2to41 | 474 | Wellhellooothere25: TIFU by having The swat team, FBI and state police come armed to my house.
This past weekend my buddies and I were going up to the Pocono’s for a weekend of beer drinking, and fishing. When we arrive we find out that there was a shooting at the state police barracks less than a mile from our house. (RIP to the officer lost) I hope they find the scumbags who ambushed them. Anyway, they had all the roads blocked and no one was really allowed to go anywhere. Bored from not being able to go to the store/bar, we decided it would be fun to light the fireworks I brought up. Around 8:30 Saturday night we light off a 12 shot, 200 gram firework (nothing to crazy). This is where we FUCKED up.
Within 8 minutes we have 9 state police cars, an FBI SUV, and a swat team out front of our house with gun drawn and ready to go at the top of our drive way. My brother, who happened to be outside in the driveway at this point was put on the ground face down, he was quickly able to explain to the first arriving officer that it was just a firework not gun shots. The cops understood and explained that someone called for reported gun shots. At this point we are all outside apologizing to the cops for wasting their time, and wishing them condolences on their loss. The cops tell us to continue what we are doing and to have a good night.
Rest in peace: Cpl. Bryon K. Dickson II- Thank you for your service to the community
TL;DR: Lit off a firework a mile from a shooting at a state police barrack, Cops come combat ready looking for shooter.
coutisking: I'm assuming you're white or else this story may have played out differently knowing how the US cops are portrayed to be..
TheStabbyClown: Reddit tends to get a hard on whenever cops are mentioned. I've had very few encounters with them, but the few I have met were reasonable people.
The only reason they're portrayed so negatively is that our only source of comparison is through the times when an article is written about a cop that didn't perform duty the 'proper' way. Very rarely will you see an article on a cop that decided to put forth an extra few hours, or maybe one that let spent the weekend patrolling a neighborhood after a series of bad events. No, the media knows Reddit will upvote any negative cop story into the heavens and gets their publicity from that.
It really isn't fair to assume all cops are douche bags that want to abuse their power when only a fraction of them are in that mindset.
SailsnTails: Fair point, I'd love to hear more from the other side. Facing the kind of danger cops take on every day can't be easy.
That being said, tasing a pregnant woman wearing a seatbelt after you pulled her over for speeding because you didn't like the tone of her voice is fucking crazy. http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Seattle-to-pay-45000-to-pregnant-woman-Tasered-by-cops-273786571.html
My uncle is a cop. All his friends are cops. I'm terrified of these psychos.
HighsenbergHat: You are smart to be afraid of anyone that has a badge. You have to be a psychopath and very stupid to seek out a job in law enforcement.
TheStabbyClown: >You have to be a psychopath and very stupid to seek out a job in law enforcement.
How so?
FleetMaster_Daedalus: I'm gonna assume his response will be something to the effect of," They are all child killing murderers who spend the day raping women and tazing old people because all I see on the news is Police abusing power, but I've never actually tried to be friendly towards a cop aside from saying,' Am I being detained.'" But that's none of my business.
HighsenbergHat: Nope, my response is as follows:
Anybody who willingly seeks out a position of power which requires him to enforce rules and laws that inherently violate not only the constitution, but the most basic of human rights, is a literal psychopath. Second, these positions require people like you, who have much lower than average IQs. This is required because those of us with intelligent moral standards would never put up with the corruption.
FleetMaster_Daedalus: So I was close?
HighsenbergHat: No, not close at all. The low IQ thing I mentioned before seems to be affecting your reading comprehension.
FleetMaster_Daedalus: Since you are obviously the most bright person here why don't you go ahead and list all of the rules and laws that inherently violate the Constitution and basic Human rights, give a definition of psychopath, give the requirements to be a police officer, and a list of your moral standards.
I ask all of this because, as I'm sure you already know in your intelligence, you have to provide undeniable evidence to your claim. I look forward to your response.
HighsenbergHat: I dont HAVE to provide anything, and I'm not in the business of educating fools.
FleetMaster_Daedalus: Well if you had anywhere near the intellect you claim to have you would understand that after making a claim the burden of proof lies upon you to support your claim. Just goes to show how much you know or in this case don't know.
HighsenbergHat: Wait, we have been in a court of law this whole time?! I thought we were on an internet forum where there is no burden of proof inherently set upon me. My mistake.
FleetMaster_Daedalus: You were the one looking for a fight; can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
And as any intelligent person would know, burden of proof applies everywhere.
| 15 | 31.6 | |
1410800953 | 1410814179 | t3_2gh3ud | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to homemade cremate my wife's dead dog.
Previously I fucked up royally by killing my wife's dog. http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2gftkl/tifu_by_accidentally_taking_my_wifes_dog_for_a/
I was unsure how or if I would tell her. Today my best friend Joe comes by and we talk about it over some ice cold Busch lights. He thinks I should only tell her part of the truth and do something nice. Well we decided to burn the poor little thing and put its ashes in a jar for her.
Well that shit didn't work. I don't know if you have ever smelt animal skin and fur burning but it's horrible. I don't see how those Germans did it. We ended up with just a big fucking mess. Burnt dog carcass and ashes were everywhere. He ended up taking the dog and disposing of it. We are gonna go weld some shit up and make a cross. Still haven't decided on my story yet but I seem to be fucking up more and more.
Don't burn a dead dog kids. Its not gonna turn out right.
charscene: Fake your own death.
ThePlayfulPython: I'm pretty sure this may be the only solution.
beetus_wrangler: He'll just fuck it up and actually die.
Azure_phantom: Sounds like a small loss there. Based on his decision making skills, he's long overdue for a Darwin award.
| 5 | 18.2 | |
1410800996 | 1410840076 | t3_2gh3wv | t5_2to41 | 67 | pr0dig3y: TIFU by sending an 84 year old man a picture of my dick
A few years back i had been texting this girl on and off for awhile. She got to the point every weekend she'd send me nudes and beg me for a pic. Well one weekend i was rather intoxicated and thought id finally send her a D pick. After i snapped the marvelous picture i was having trouble figuring out how to send the pic and couldnt figure out how to add a contact. So i wrote the number down the best to my ability and hit send i waited forever and got no reply feeling rather stupid now i went to bed. the next day at work a number kept calling me and finally i answered to a man screaming at me for sending a picture of my dick to his 84 year old father.
Kilomega: The number of mis-sent nude pics is too damn high!
Senor_Taco29: And yet I never get any
| 3 | 22.333333 | |
1410801188 | 1410801374 | t3_2gh497 | t5_2to41 | 14 | synergyx: TIFU by fighting for a girl that ultimately had commitment issues
I'm sorry if the story doesn't make to much sense, it is a little late and way too long to explain in mass detail!
I had decided one day to stay after school to watch a couple volleyball games and my friend introduced me to this new girl. She was pretty hot and later we realised that we had a mutual friend that wasn't from our school and we started chatting about it. We clicked pretty well and we continued to talk and build a friendship for about 3 months before ultimately, I got "friend-zoned" and she started dating another guy. At this point I had feelings for her and I got rather upset about the whole fact and I continued just being her friend.
During Winter Break a friend of hers comes into town and I end up hanging out with both of them. Her friend asks me if I like the girl and since she wasn't around, I told the truth. She convinced me that I should man up and tell her the truth about my feelings because maybe it would change things. I waited a couple of days before actually telling her the truth and things went okay. Time passed, we hung out some more and we got pretty close.
I continued to try to fight for her, to show her that I cared and although it seemed like a pretty dick move to go for a girl that already had a boyfriend, she was worth it **at the time**.
It wasn't until February where she tells me that she had feelings for me as well and that she was kinda torn between the two of us. At this moment I thought it was the best opportunity to really attempt to land the girl of my dreams so I went for it. It took until March before she finally broke up with her boyfriend and started paying closer attention to me. Although we hung out a lot, at her place, we never really did anything that would be deemed unfaithful, most we did was hug. We finally got together by the end of March and things were going great. She taught me a lot considering she was my first. I also promised to always be there for her, which now seems like an almost impossible task.
Jump to the end of the school term and she leaves for another country and school. We spent our last few days together and jammed as much as possible in the short time we had before she left. It was fun and amazing, something that became really difficult to forget. We decided to try long distance and we went about our ways. Come the start of the new school term, out of the blue in one of our conversations she decided to dump me. Nothing really changed, but she just couldn't "deal with it". Frankly I was a bit surprised by the sudden change of events but I let her go anyways.
As time goes on, she insists that we continue to be friends despite her need for other guys in her life and she starts to neglect me a ~~bit~~, **LOT**. Despite dumping me, she tells me that she needed a rebound which lasted a week and continues to drag me on. Me being the stupid kid I still am, stayed around.
I finally go to where she moved in an attempt to see her. I managed to get a little time with her but she was pre-occupied with another person that had came along with me. It was to the point where she barely even talked to me despite me making the effort to spend time with me. I start fuming and just ignore her but she has the audacity to say sorry and that the next day will be different. She lied... and when I finally got back home, I start ignoring her.
I recently got a random message from her saying how much she missed me in her life and how she needs someone like me. At this point I'm sick and tired of what she says because of the countless other times she betrayed my trust but I also promised her that I would be there for her. Unfortunately I don't know what to do anymore but this bitch has gotten outta control. When we were together, we were more than a thing, we were each others best friends and I've basically lost that person as a result of dating her.
TDLR: Meet a girl, became best friends with the girl, started dating the girl but after she moves, she breaks up with me and starts neglecting me which leaves me in a bit of confusion.
[deleted]: TL;DR OP had relationship with a drama queen
synergyx: lol yeah thats probably worded better. thanks!
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410802912 | 1410835763 | t3_2gh7oz | t5_2to41 | 8 | gross_potato: TIFU and left bluetooth on
Visited my parents from college to celebrate my birthday, and my dad really likes my taste in music so he had me play some music at supper over his bluetooth soundbar. Afterwards, I figured I would utilize the wifi that doesn't block certain sites like my dorm's wireless. After playing some rather interesting shemale porn for like 15 seconds with no sound I realized that my phone was still connected to the soundbar.
Let's just say that returning to the table for my birthday pie was pretty uncomfortable.
[deleted]: Bluetooth has a limited distance range. It probably didn't broadcast. Go play some music from your room to the soundboard and see if it works.
gross_potato: It was in my bathroom on the opposite side of the wall to the soundbar...
5unbr0: Should have said you were playing "dubstep" some new genre of music clubby-technoey-sexy music.
Good luck keeping a straight face when saying this.
| 4 | 2 | |
1410801981 | 1410809069 | t3_2gh5s3 | t5_2to41 | 47 | Superman403: TIFU by throwing away my girlfriend's baby album
There are no copies. I feel absolutely horrible. I've been having this feeling of throwing up all evening / morning. I woke up hoping it was a dream, but no such luck.
I'm usually the I.T. guy, and I'm into photography. So of course I offered to digitize her album (to avoid this sort of thing), and I thought it'd be a great way to surprise her with a present with old photos one day.
I'm such an idiot because I didn't do it right away. Instead I kept it in a storage room which I thought was safe. I've done spring cleaning of that storage room a couple times, and this weekend when she asked to see the album, and I went searching, I COULD NOT FIND IT!..
She is obviously heart-broken.. and I can't do anything to cheer her up at this point.. I'm going to scour the entire place today/tomorrow, but after my first pass so far, I cannot find it...
What makes it worse is today is my birthday, and she threw me an incredible surprise weekend.. It's as if this is how I thank her...
I can only pray it comes up somewhere in the house... She doesn't deserve this..
IAmTheTrueSocrates: Contact her parents and see if they have any copies.
Superman403: We tried last night.
They came from over seas. No copies unfortunately...
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1410802542 | 1410904605 | t3_2gh6xh | t5_2to41 | 90 | throwawaythissucks12: TIFU by shopping at Dillard's
Okay so this happened about a year ago. So basically, I was going on a trip to Switzerland with a few friends, and I only really had clothes for where I lived, so I had to get some new clothes fitting for the weather and temperature in Switzerland.
Anyways, after I buy a few scarfs and hats from Macy's and Sears it was time to drive to a whole different town just to get to Dillard's. I go inside, and right now it's like 8:30 and they close at 9:00PM so I had to just skim through everything. I walk through the store and grab about everything that looked fitting for Switzerland, and after about 10 minutes I head to the dressing room. So I had this huge pile of clothes to try on, and a good amount of time to do it (20 minutes) so I start with the pants. After about 5 minutes I'm done trying the pants, and I move on to the shirts and I thoroughly make sure they look nice, feel nice, and are plenty warm. So it's been about 15 minutes and I have only a few things picked out, and then I get asked "are you alright in there". "Yes" I replied. I didn't think much of it at all, cause I have been in there for quite a bit. Then later, a different voice asks me "how long have you been in there?". WTF? I'm sure plenty of girls have been in there for more than an hour before. Anyways, the door is one of those things to where you can look out like this http://i.imgur.com/ctJaxJt.jpg with the shades. Anyways, then about 5 seconds later I see an eye peeking up one of those shades while I'm half naked. Then I say out loud "What the fuck are you doing". Then she said "That's it, I'm calling the police" like it's my fault, and then I heard like 8 voices agreeing. 8 PEOPLE ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM WONDERING WHAT I'M DOING?!??!?!? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES! So anyways, she comes back saying "I've called the police because you're stealing" and then she locks the dressing room so I'm trapping. Holy shit, what the fuck. So 15 minutes later, past closing time, with me trapped in the changing room, the police arrive and I'm wearing my regular clothes by now (of course) and the police are these two arrogant douche bags. They ask me what I am doing in the Dillards. "Buying clothes for travel" I say. "Are you leaving the country" they asked, "Yes" I calmly replied"...
5 minutes later of answering the same questions basically in different words, they unlock the door and they say they have to check the cameras (Cause they actually have same gender security in the changing rooms". So there I am, on the camera changing, and they're watching the whole thing which was like 35 minutes and it's basically me putting clothes on, taking clothes off, putting clothes on, and repeat. I couldn't believe it. Everyone in the store, even some who weren't my gender, were watching me get undressed repeatedly.
So after proving to those dumb, ignorant, perverted, arrogant losers that I wasn't stealing in the dressing room, they finally let me go. I will never go to Dillard's again.
Comandercody: BS. Major department stores do not have security cameras in dressing rooms. It's illegal.
throwawaythissucks12: http://www.corvetteforum.com/forums/off-topic/1771301-so-macy-s-has-surveillance-cameras-in-the-changing-rooms.html
lord_sherlock_holmes: the cameras are not on the inside of the dressing rooms themselves, they are on the outside monitoring what is taken in and out of the rooms
throwawaythissucks12: There is a camera inside the changing room. The signs says "Fitting rooms are surveillanced by same gender personel It may not be legal in your state, but it sure as hell is in Illinois. When I moved here that was the first time I ever saw that sign.
| 5 | 18 | |
1410801946 | 1410967405 | t3_2gh5po | t5_2to41 | 8 | thebreakingmuse: TIFU by not restricting uTorrent from using data network on my Note 3. Used 75 percent of my plan in a few days from seeding.
yup. upgraded to a Note3 from s4, and also switched to Verizon from T-Mobile. Under T-Mobile I had the unlimited data plan, so this wasnt an issue. Woke up to a data usage warning and SMH.
MonarchGod: I've done this same shit before and it sucks. On a lighter note, what did you download?
thebreakingmuse: Been watching The Strain and the John Oliver show. Seeing they are both new and popular, many people grabbed from my seeds :@
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410802687 | 1410828507 | t3_2gh79u | t5_2to41 | 816 | Woodland_wanderer: tifu by not hanging up the phone properly.
So unlike a lot of posts , this did happen today. As in three hours ago.
I work in the office area of a small manufacturing company where we regularly page people over an intercom system which is broadcasted throughout the entire company.
Having to do just this I reach over towards my phone. As I'm changing my position I notice something is stuck in my shoe. I finish my page , set the phone down and proceed to take my shoe off and remove the offending object.
Now , I have a tendency to voice my thoughts aloud when I'm alone. Which I did , by clearly and loudly stating "man , my feet fuckin reek!".
I failed to hear my voice in stereo , but I could not fail to hear the gails of laughter erupting from my co-workers.
I pretty much hid in my office until lunch time , and then snuck out quickly and quietly as possible.
Upon return from lunch I find a small bottle of Goldbond medicated foot powder sitting on my desk. Attached to the bottle is a note that reads "after you freshen up your feet do try and freshen up your language"
At least my boss has a sense of humor.
TL;DR I announced to my whole company that I have foot odor issues...
mpls_hotdish: Make this announcement tomorrow: "Oh, and just an update. My feet smell much better today, thank you for listening."
Woodland_wanderer: It would actually have to be " today my feet smell slightly more tolerable!"
louie119955: Hey, grammar nazi here! When you use the comma, you can use it without a space after the word! Like this: My balls hurts so much man, I wish I can just take the pain away.
Have a great day!
Edit: I got raped so hard.
Marine08902: Hey, grammar nazi here! Since "balls" is already plural you should use "hurt" not "hurts".
Have a great day!
scratch_043: Hey, regular guy here! You should both STFU, since you ~~just used a run-on sentence while correcting his correction.~~ have a missing comma after the introductory element.
Have a great day! (Also, go fuck yourself)
Edited to satisfy those who downvoted.
backwardsfeet: Show me where his run-on sentence is.
scratch_043: More like a missing comma. Like I said, I just a regular guy, not a grammar Nazi.
| 8 | 102 | |
1410803281 | 1410810187 | t3_2gh8dt | t5_2to41 | 108 | [deleted]: TIFU by adopting a kitten for my mother in an attempt to cheer her up
We had received the news that a close family friend of ours had passed away. He was my mother's best friend, she had been crying for days on end to the point where her eyes were swollen.
I was trying to think of something I could do to cheer her up, that's when I came across the most beautiful kitten online. Nobody can be sad whilst in the presence of a kitten. I drove a few hours out and back to pick up this little bundle of fur, to bring her home. I introduced the kitten to the family and everybody was in a temperamental state of happiness.
We let her explore the house, keeping an eye on her the entire time as she was tiny and could easily get lost somewhere. We took our eyes off of this kitten for two minutes, before hearing the most horrendous noises coming from outside. It was my dog, and the kitten. We have fly screen covering a metal frame of diamond-shaped patterns for our doors, apparently the kitten was tiny enough to fit through the frame and explore outdoors, too.
I fucked up by trying to heal a death by introducing new life, resulting in another death. It was absolutely traumatizing.
[deleted]: If my dog did that to my kitten I'd shoot it. No questions there... This upset me reading I need to get off this subreddit
pilvy: [Not the best option](http://imgur.com/bHLDwLP)
[deleted]: I really don't care.
pokemonisforkidsandf: You would afterwards you dipshit.
[deleted]: no I wouldn't. I've had my pets murdered infront of me by other animals before. You don't know me, don't try to. If my dog killed the kitten he would deserve it.
pokemonisforkidsandf: You'd kill a dog for following you instincts. I don't need to know you, I don't want to know you, but that tells me you're a fucking spastic.
SpottedParsley: Seriously. He's nuts and stupid. That's just the worst.
| 8 | 13.5 | |
1410801765 | 1410847780 | t3_2gh5dd | t5_2to41 | 3 | Ylzzirg: TIFU By trying to be nice
So theres this girl I went out with for a short period of time she dumped me and then friendzoned me. I was crazy about her and desperately tried to get her to reciprocate the feeling, but she was having none of it. I kept it to myself mostly for the first year or so, but then one night I got fed up with it and called her up, and asked her to go on a date with me. When she said no after a year of being strung along I just fucking exploded. I was a real asshole ill admit it . I was in the wrong I was a dick. I didn't talk to her for months. We keep bumping into each other at school, because we have lots of classes together, and mutual friends. One day I finally said fuck it im gonna do the right thing. I asked if I could talk to her and she just looked at me with a face of disgust, and said "I guess". I apologized told her I was sorry told her I was an asshole, and that it would be nice if we could be friends again and just friends. I talked to her for a solid 10 minutes just apologizing. She eventually got up and walked off.
The next day I bumped into her and said "Have you given any thought to what I said?" She said "Yeah. I don't care." "I don't want to be friends with somebody who has absolutely no future and will end up being a fucking bum."
She proceeded to chew me out and tell me I would end up addicted to crystal and living under a bridge. I know im a bit of a hypocrite for exploding at her, and then getting mad when she does it to me, but she had strung me along for almost 2 years, and on top of that she told my mom that I was growing weed, and then I FEEL BAD. I go and apologize. And she meant what she said. When I exploded at her I was either drunk, or filled with rage. She was cool and calm and meant every damn word of what she said.
So I fucked up today by trying to right a wrong.
tl;dr Went out with a girl for a while. She friendzoned me/strung me along ratted me out to my mom for smoking weed. I got mad at her and cursed her out didnt speak to her for months then after bumping into her several times I spoke to her and apologized and she spat all over me.
major_b: You sound like an enormous manbaby. You were literally dumped, couldn't let go for years, then you yelled at her because you felt entitled to her due to ~*~*~feels~*~*~. And then you still couldn't leave her alone, wanting to be "friends" again. You already had a shot to be friends, and you couldn't handle it by moving on from your old relationship. There was no way in hell anyone would want to deal with you again after your childish outburst. She tried to let you off easy by walking away during your 10-minute rambling opus of an apology, but once again you could not LEAVE IT ALONE. So she made sure you knew the bridge was torched. Did she handle it maturely? No, but neither did you. Sorry about your weed, brah- if she really wanted to fuck you over, she wouldn't have gone to your mom. It would have been the police. Idiot.
Apologizing wasn't "trying to be nice." If you really thought you had fucked up, you would have just moved on.
Ylzzirg: Wow. Fuck you dude. Did you even fucking read the story?
I did move on for months but after bumping into her and having to be around her I thought it would be a good thing to attempt to clear the air and make things less awkward.
hyde16341634: After bumping into her and having to be around her. sorry, bro. Thats a lame excuse.
Its a good thing to clear the air and try to male things less awkward.
No, dude. Stop making excuses to talk to her.
Just leave her alone.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410806034 | 1410838087 | t3_2ghdn6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Not-a-feminazi: TIFU by jokingly telling my father I'm a feminist
So like many posts on here, this actually happened last week and I'm still not 100% over how my dad reacted. It's probably also important to note that I have never had a boyfriend all throughout middle school or high school. Being in high school my friends and I are really into the social media craze. Everyone has a Facebook, and Instagram and most of my friends have a Tumblr, but its not my thing to be honest because all I ever found was porn, or crazy obsessed fans of TV shows or people who should be in an insane asylum. Anyway so they are all feminists or what I now know are called "Tumblr feminists" where they basically try to pin all the world problems on men. I swear to God at first I thought they were joking so I joined in, but then they started talking about it A LOT and it became obvious they were believing the things they read.
So anyway before I knew they weren't joking they all talked about their experiences of "coming out as a feminist to their fathers" and I guess it was supposed to be an empowering thing for women or something, so two or three of them decided to record the conversation, to see if their father's were accepting of equal rights towards women or "a conservative, misogynist, pig." I actually wanted to test to see how my dad would react, hes a basic Catholic not a crazy southerner type just normal type, but I wanted to know so I tried it. And that was a dumb decision.
I went up to my dad while he was watching TV and asked him if I could speak to him. I never do this so right away he turned off the TV to listen in case it was important. As I said before I thought this was a joke thing to do so I just went on with it, kind of trying to get in the mind set of what a gay person must feel like before coming out to their parents. So I looked him in the eyes and told him.
"Dad, I want you to know that I'm a strong, independent, young woman, and I am going to join a lot of strong, independent, young women, in the fight for equal rights."
Dad: "You mean feminism, you're a feminist now?"
Me: Yep sure am
So he went over and gave me a huge hug and told me that I didn't have to do something like that. One day I'll meet a nice young man or woman, and they'll love me no matter what. I was super confused so I asked for clarification and he said and I quote
"Kids your age are only interested in looks right now but in a few years they'll care more about personality and then you'll have your chance. The women nowadays who join a hate group like that have basically given up on ever finding a man to love them but you still have loads of time left before you have to make a decision to be part of a group like that."
TLDR: Found out my dad thinks I'm not attractive, and thinks modern feminism is a hate group.
[deleted]: I'm not too sure about the attractiveness but your dad is right about feminists being a hate group
Not-a-feminazi: Yea I agree with that part too. Whenever my friends bring it up I just zone out and have started jokingly telling people around us "I'm not with them." Makes me giggle at least.
gonzopixie: Oh dear,
I understand that being in high school you still haven't experienced much, and I respect your opinion, I refuse to force someone think the same way I do. But please don't let groups from Tumblr and other sites distort the real meaning of feminism. Its not about hating the opposite sex and finding ways to make it seem like its all their fault. Its about just having the same advantages in life. Not every feminist is a Feminazi, that is one thing that needs to be cleared up. Please do some reading from actual feminist that will explain what its all about. Everything has the extreme sides, you can't judge an entire movement because of the very few crazies out there. You wouldn't say that all Christians are flipping insane just because of what the Westboro Baptist Church are doing all this crazy things.
DivinePrince: I am not a feminist either. i am an Egalitarian- a person who supports men's rights and women's rights equally. I hate feminism because by definition it only supports females. Feel free to look it up in a dictionary for proof :)
I support equality and understand that men are oppressed just as much as women are.
If you disagree, it's likely that you are a sexist indeed.
btransam: You are wrong. From Meriam-Webster: Fermisism is, "the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities;" and "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes." That is the definition of feminism as a principle. Feminism as an activity is "organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests." But that is in the context of the other two definitions. It is an organized activity on behalf of women't rights, i.e., to try to rectify the areas where women have historically been discriminated against.
DivinePrince: yeah, see? It focuses on women.
Gross.
I'll stick to Egalitarianism, fighting for the right for men to speak against rape and show their feelings, and fight for women to have equal pay and freedom in other countries.
I hate sexism. And men are just as oppressed as women are.
So, go into the kitchen and commence the sandwich making.
btransam: And how can you say, "Yeah, see?"
You said:
>I hate feminism because by definition it only supports females. Feel free to look it up in a dictionary for proof :)
And the dictionary defines feminism as:
>The theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
So, no, I don't see. It seems to me like the dictionary does not actually support you. At all. I think the logical fallacy you are making is equating caring about something with *only* caring about something.
DivinePrince: I just took a nice hour long walk and came back and...
yeah, I dont care any more.
So lets all listen to cute music instead of arguing about crap i dont care about right now!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gATwngi9FV0&list=PLCrHryL0GLzo-V-cIuZS5_JvajoPIsZ_y&index=13
Jip777: I've been proven wrong, so let me change the subject!!
DivinePrince: Penises are cool!
| 11 | 1 | |
1410806017 | 1410912658 | t3_2ghdlp | t5_2to41 | 448 | dylson129: TIFU by trying to kill myself.
To preface: If you are feeling suicidal, call someone. Or call 1-800-273-8255. If you're not in the United States, here's a list of suicide helplines throughout the world: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
I'm Dylan. I did an AMA on here, a few months ago. (http://redd.it/26kv9p) I really fucked up this time. I'm writing this not to be funny, but to show that you can look back on a horrible situation, and make light of it. I want to spread some awareness, and hopefully help some people out.
So, like most TIFU posts, this didn't happen today, it happened a month ago. I'm not using a throwaway account, because I need you all to know that there's no shame in admitting to even the slightest mental illness.
So here's where the story begins. I was feeling very blue. I just moved to my new apartment, after being fired from my previous job as a building manager. It was an abrupt firing, and I had to move quickly to find a new place to live. Luckily, I had a friend who was also looking to get a place. He and I moved in together. It's a nice and quaint apartment that's super close to where I was living.
Growing up in foster care, moving is a trigger for me. It's horribly stressful, and not a fun thing to do. Years of being told by foster parents that I wasn't good enough, and I had to pack my bags really took a toll.
I was at my new apartment, on a Tuesday night. My friend had called me to see if I'd go to work in her stead. I said yes, but my job didn't need me, as it had died down when I got there. (I'm a bartender) So I had some dinner at my place of employment, and headed home. When I arrived home, I became very, very sad. It struck me odd, because I'm usually upbeat, and positive. I'm on a medication called Vyvanse. It's a stimulant, used in the treatment of ADHD. If too much is taken, horrible things can happen, including death. Well, due to my suicidal feelings, I took nearly 1200mg of the medication. Thinking this would kill me, I called a car service to pick me up. I asked the service to take me to my parent's old home, on the other side of my town. I arrived, and decided to walk around. I really started to feel the effects of the medication. It was becoming harder to breath, and much harder to stay standing. I'm sure my heart was beating faster than it ever had before. During this journey, I posted to facebook that I overdosed and was dying, and I had said goodbye to everyone. (Way too much information to share, I know). So, my wonderful friends called the police. So many people called the 911, that hundreds of police had started their search for me. Keep in mind that this all started around 12am on a Wednesday (morning?). Continuing on with the story, I was stumbling around in a cemetery, slowly losing steam. I vaguely remember the cemetery guard dogs barking at me, so I quickly high tailed it out of there. Walking through the streets of the neighborhood I was in, I walked into a local park. It seemed to be a very large park, with bike trails, and such. At this point, I was hallucinating quite badly, and I was deathly afraid the police would find me. I walked through this park, and fell into a shallow creek, getting wet, and cold, and very icky. I continued to walk through this park, all whilst getting slower, and slower. My breathing had become extremely labored, while my heart beat got faster and faster. My hallucinations started after I couldn't walk any further. I sat down in the mud, and just stared at my surroundings. I thought cops were all around me, and I was freaking out. Any movement (my hallucinations) scared the life out of me, and caused me to try to get up, and run. I couldn't get up, and was sure I was going to have a panic attack, and at that point I remember wanting it to happen.
As dawn came, I heard a lot of movement around me, and I was sure the cops would find me any minute. Through fear, I got up, and stumbled to what I thought was the road. Unfortunately, I fell into a hole. A hole that was muddy and horrible, and I fell into it headfirst. I remember when I fell in, that my feet sunk into the mud, and were stuck. I pulled out one foot, and unfortunately my boot didn't come along. I somehow managed to climb out of the hole, and stumble onto a bike path. Here's where things get even weirder... In front of me was a frog in a police uniform. A green, slimy frog, standing upright in a police uniform. Believe me, I was scared shitless. The frog policeman asked me what my name was. I said "Dylan....." and the frog policeman then said "Come with me Dylan, let's talk". In my state of wanting to die, I did my best to run away from the frog cop. He called into his radio and several more frog cops appeared! At this point, I was heaving, and I really thought death was upon me. During my attempted escape from the frog cops, I grabbed a stick to defend myself, and started yelling "It can't end this way. You can't take me!"
I made my way into the back yard of someone's house, as a cop car filled with frog cops pulls in front of me. At this point, frog cops are chasing me from behind, while a group of frog cops are pulling in front of me. I'm surrounded, and freaking out. The only thing I know to do is to grab my stick, and wave it around, while walking around in a circle. The frog cops pull out their tasers, and tell me to get down. One frog cop said "We're not all bad guys. You don't have to be afraid of us. The news makes us seem bad, but we're really not. We do things like this to help people like you." I didn't care what the frog cop said. He was a frog, I was a human. I was sure I could get away from a bunch of frogs. So a larger frog cop tackles me, and held me down on the ground. At this point there were at least 6 frog cops all around me. It was horrible, and I was scared shitless. The frog cop handcuffed me (it was quite painful, as my hands were behind my back, and they made me lie on my back) and put me in an ambulance. The EMTs had no idea what was wrong with me. (They all looked human, but they just seemed so ugly. I wasn't sure if I as hallucinating or not.) An EMT asked me if I was high on cocaine. I told him I was high on Vyvanse, and they actually had to Google it on their cell phones.
The EMTs took me to the hospital, handcuffed to a stretcher. I looked like a criminal, and actually felt like I was one. So many stares, and sneers, and looks at the hospital. I was sobered up at this point, yet my breathing had become sharp, and my vision was becoming blurry.
I had one friend visit me in the emergency room. She knew I was there, only from my post on facebook, where my current status was being discussed. According to friends, it wasn't "Is Dylan okay?" It was "This is a cry for help, and Dylan needs to reprimanded for this foolish behavior". I spent the entire day in the emergency department of Metro Hospital. I entered the hospital around 11am, after being missing for nearly 12 hours. At around 8pm, my bed was moved into the hallway, where I would wait for 5 hours for a room in the hospital to be available. They finally had an opening in the stroke unit. Oh, I forgot to mention. I wasn't allowed to shower for the first two days of my hospital stay. As a risk to myself, they wouldn't allow it. I argued, and argued and argued, but ultimately couldn't persuade them to allow me the privilege of a shower.
Psychologists, and psychiatrists questioned me, and questioned me for a day, to determine if I was still a danger to myself. I told them that things didn't seem good in my life, at the time of my suicide attempt. Upon further reflection, my life wasn't that bad. Many stresses came upon me at once, and I overdosed on my medication. The hospital put me on a 72 hour hold, and released me within 2 days. The psych ward was hellish, and scary. I felt like I was entirely normal, compared to most people there, and I really wanted to shed some awareness on mental health issues, the best way I know how.
Suicide is no joke. It's not an answer to your problems. It solves nothing. There are people who loved you. (I realised this when I had 25 messages, and scores of missed calls from people who were worried about my well being). If you feel like you could possibly harm yourself, call someone. Call 1-800-273-8255 if you're in the USA. You can speak with a trained crisis counselor.
I wrote this to point out that attempting suicide is something tragic. Committing suicide is much more tragic. There's such a negative stigma attached to suicide, and mental illness. It's not fair to those struggling, and here's hoping that with the right amount of effort, that will slowly change. During my entire stay at the hospital, I was judged, and made to think that I committed a heinous crime, by attempting on my own life. I felt like a criminal, and honestly felt worse than I did when I tried to end my life. That shouldn't happen.
Thank you for reading. Seriously.
tl;dr I was upset, and tried to kill myself by overdosing on ADHD medication. I hallucinated that cops looked like frogs, and I was rescued and put in the hospital, where I was endlessly judged and made to feel like a criminal.
Murais: A couple months back, I had a really, really bad night.
At the time, I was dealing with a lot of things. Losing my job. Having absolutely no money to buy anything (even food). Being incredibly hungry. Facing the notion that I would likely be homeless in the next two weeks. Failing a bunch of my classes because I essentially wasn't able to function for any of them. Having next to no friends or interaction with the outside world. And this scenario with a friend of mine that I wanted to date that went pretty south (realized I was subconsciously manipulating her, felt like a complete piece of shit.
I had a cigarette on my porch, came back and closed the door. I then looked at my living room floor, and my head began to swim. It looked like the only place I wanted to be then and there. I collapsed on the ground and began to cry in one of the worst ways that I have ever cried. My lungs heaved with every breath. I screamed, I moaned. I kicked my feet into the concrete underneath until my toes were bloody, periodically punching and headbutting the ground to try to let out frustration in any single way that I could.
And then I snapped cold. I stopped crying and lay motionless. My mind flashed to the giant kitchen knife that I kept in the drawer, and all I could think of was how good it would feel to have it bite into my flesh and keep rending until I couldn't feel a goddamn thing anymore.
I got up to my feet and walked into my kitchen like a robot. I opened the drawer, and I began to ply the knife on the back of my hand to see if it was sharp enough to do the job. It drew blood. We were cooking, now.
I was pressing in on the first cut, when my phone rang. My phone never rings. I go to answer it. It was one of my few friends who still lived in the area. He was stuck by the side of the road and needed me to give him a ride home.
For whatever reason, the notion that somebody, anybody needed me right now, was the most reassuring thing to me ever. It snapped me out of whatever the fuck came over me, and I told him I was on my way.
I picked him up, and debated on whether or not to say anything to him. I was just in crisis mode, and it felt incredibly unsafe to speak of something so... personal and emotionally charge. But I knew that if I didn't get it out now, I didn't think it would be something I could cope with later that night when I went home. So, I sort of blurted it out, expecting the worst... and then we just talked about it. We talked about everything going on.
He gave me some solid advice. He re-assured me. And he gave me a hug. And I just felt... relieved. I was still absolutely fucking terrified when I thought about what I almost did a few hours before, but the majority of the pressure, and sense of meaninglessness and self-loathing were gone.
He saved my fucking life that night. I am typing this right now, because a friend reached out to me, and he was there for me. That feeling of support is something that always gets me through the night.
I still have my bad days (because yeah, depression!), but I'm on meds and seeing a therapist regularly to kind of keep myself in check. It's already working quite well, and I would advise that anyone who has the opportunity to take advantage of the same, and are in similar circumstances as myself, don't you dare hesitate. And to those who can't (I know there are quite a few of you) look up guides online. Talk to friends. Talk to family. Talk to strangers in earnest. Look for local, free group therapy sessions (they exist).
I got lucky and somebody saved me, but I will always say that it is FAR better, and FAR more reliable to take those steps yourself.
And if you're really down, you're on the edge, and really need to talk to someone, ANYONE for just a little while, feel free to PM me, and I will help as best as I can.
choloopies: Him calling you was no coincidence. At all. I'm glad you're alive.
dankman13: so you assume i know how to time travel, but not that i know that nicotine is bad for me... weird ways of thinking, you have. much like Yoda, did i just sound.
edit: even if i *could* go back in time and stopped myself that would mean i wouldn't post that part of the comment, meaning you wouldn't have told me to go unfuck myself.
choloopies: What??? Lol
dankman13: wow i was fucking high. responded to the wrong person i guess... weird. got upvoted anyway! gotta love reddit.
Edit: actually for some reason it posted the response both to the correct thread and this one... i really dont understand this. my original response to this thread was "Well, no. His car breaking down was."
[deleted]: Why does 80% of Reddit seem to be high all the time?
dankman13: this seemed more like an actual problem with Reddit itself than it had to do with me being high. (i use RES, so it was more likely a problem with that than reddit itself im guessing). 80% of us seem to be high to you because we are awesome and have the most memorable comments.
| 8 | 56 | |
1410805681 | 1410807491 | t3_2ghcyt | t5_2to41 | 60 | britfaic: TIFU by taking prescription painkillers before class.
This happened to me just 30 mins ago, and I'm still very flustered.
Background: I just had my wisdom teeth pulled, but I couldn't afford to miss class, so I'm going through the pain. I had been prescriped Oxycontin and Ibeprofin-4. I have been given the black box warning, not to take it while operating heavy machinery, etc.
I had been off my medication for a good few days, my gums are starting to heal, and the pain was very manageable. I thought, Hey, maybe I can have some hard food today!
I was wrong.
The second I bit down pain rocketed throughout my entire head (Damn nerve endings.) I quickly ran for my pain meds for sweet sweet relief, before I remembered, "Oh wait, Oxycontin makes me tired, I'll just take the Ibeprofin because I have class in 10 minutes." I downed two pills, and raced off to my class.
To understand this fuck up, you need to know 3 things.
1. This computer class was a class I tended to nod off in half of the time.
2. There's an exam today.
3. In my pain induced state, I accidentally grabbed my sleeping pills.
After getting to class, I sat in the front, watched as my professor handed out the exam and explained it, and I passed out.
My professor was kind enough to wake me after class. He says he wants to see me in his office tomorrow to talk about the consequences of not only missing this exam, but dishonoring him by sleeping in his class. I fucked up.
TL;DR To take care of my massive dental pain, I took what I thought was Painkillers, but turned out to be a sleeping pill, and missed an exam.
Edit 1: Going to his office today. I got a stern email from the Dean of Students this morning. I hope this shall go well, but my hopes are not high.
Edit 2: I met with him, and it started out as well as you would expect (If you expect hell that is). I tried to explain the drugs, and he told me that abusing drugs of any kind is against the student handbook, and he could have me expelled. My anxiety kicked in, and I started having a panic attack, and I just started screaming that they were perscription and I had surgery. By the time I stopped shaking in the corner, the entierity of the hall was watching me. Needless to say, in front of all these people, my professor said I could re-take the exam, with 10% off. All in all, I guess I got lucky.
ZombifiedAtoms: Just calmly explain to your teacher what happened. Bring the medication and any proof of going to the dentist. That should help prove that you aren't lying. Shit happens. Don't beat yourself up over it.
P.S. Hope you feel better!
britfaic: Thank's, and I will. It might be a bit difficult because the sleeping pills weren't prescribed by the dentist, but by my GM, but Maybe If I bring both so he can see how similar they are in shape.
ZombifiedAtoms: This is college right? Make sure before you show them medication that you aren't breaking rules by bringing meds to school. I know that was the case in grade school here. Worst case scenario he gives you a zero for the test and doesn't like you. Either way start busting your ass in that class. It'll be best in the long run.
britfaic: The sleeping pills were prescribed by my College's Student Health, so I doubt they can throw a hissy fit over that.
| 5 | 12 | |
1410806905 | 1410811301 | t3_2ghfcw | t5_2to41 | 8 | TheExpected: TIFU By Breaking My Uncle's Computer
Me being a 16 year old, trying to help my uncle with a problem he's been having with his computer lately.
I come over to my uncle's house to check out his computer (which by the way is a very old computer with windows XP), I notice he uses the guest account. He says it is because he doesn't remember the password to the admin account, so since I cannot use the admin account I suggest we reboot the computer. So I turned off the computer, went into the BIOS settings, and somehow deleted RAID settings on the harddisk which I think also deletes all the files.
I panic and tries to reboot the computer, it says "no boot device available". So I suggest I bring the computer to my house (which is about 50 metres away from him) so I can try to fix my FU without him watching every single step. I go home and try to format the harddisk and install windows XP again. Still it says "no boot device availabe", so I try to upgrade to windows vista. It still says "no boot device availabe".
I don't know what to do, so I'm going to bring the computer back to his house tomorrow and hope he doesn't get mad at me.
Mostcub: So I'm assuming you just deleted the boot loader.
Use the boot disk that you have and boot up from it.
Click on the repair your computer button and then open up the command prompt.
Use these commands to try to get it back:
1:
bootrec.exe /fixmbr
2:
bootsect.exe /nt60 all /force
3:
bootrec.exe /rebuildbcd
That should work and you will be all set.
Longer tutorial if you need/want it:
https://neosmart.net/wiki/recovering-windows-bootloader/
**Edit:**
Try taking a look here: http://www.blifaloo.com/info/no-boot-error.php
If not, you could always head over to /r/techsupport/ they will probably be able to help you more than I could.
TheExpected: I tried to boot up with a boot disk, and also a usb. It still says "no boot device availabe".
Mostcub: What does the boot menu look like? Does it show anything?
TheExpected: No
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410807319 | 1410812107 | t3_2ghg80 | t5_2to41 | 4 | slurpiish: TIFU because I ate to much cheese
Over 1.5 hour later im still lying around on the floor not able to move. We made enchiladas and we split 1 kg (2 pounds) of cheese on three people now none of us can move and we all just wish we were dead...
TL;DL never underestimate the cheese
[deleted]: 2 words - explosive diarrhea
JudgeMx52: Actually, he probably won't shit for a week. And THEN comes ED.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410807107 | 1410837946 | t3_2ghfsb | t5_2to41 | 17 | rev3la7ion: TIFU by pulling something out of my dogs butt.
Some back story; I live with my girlfriend and my two dogs. Back story done.
So this past week my g/f was on her period and disposed of such undesirable things in the bathroom trash bin. I leave my dogs out when I go to work because they're generally well behaved. I come home from work and immediately take them outside. Both dogs go to the bathroom but one of them has been hunched over for a solid 3 minutes. I go to investigate and see some poo clinging to a white string. I think to myself, "I'm a responsible dog owner, I'll help you out buddy!"
So I lean down, take a leaf, wrap it around the string, and pull. It turns out that the clinger my dog was desperately trying to get out of it's ass was a used tampon it had eaten. The mixture of dog shit with old period blood was a little overwhelming and I almost threw up on my dog. I go back inside and realize to my horror I forgot to close the bathroom door before I left and the dogs had gone through the bin...
I forgot to mention my dogs greet me when I get home by licking my face...
Coming to this realization I almost threw up again.
TL;DR - dogs got into trash bin, ate used tampon, licked my face, got period blood smell on my face, then pooped out a used tampon which I had to pull out of him.
Rebellious1: Worked at a dog daycare. Elderly couples dog liked to eat used condoms. I removed many used condoms from said dogs anus. I feel your pain.
wherestheblacksmith8: Why did an elderly couple need condoms in the first place?
Rebellious1: I never asked. We just told them that it looked like their dear dog had been eating out of their garbage.
wherestheblacksmith8: Yet it happened multiple times? They should probably have hidden the trash or put it outside or something
Rebellious1: Yup. At least 3 times while I was there.
wherestheblacksmith8: Bless you
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1410805240 | 1410832455 | t3_2ghc49 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Studlymofo69: TIFU by having the craziest weekend of my life.
To start out this story let me give you the backdrop. So my buddies and I go to the other big college town in our state for the instate rivalry football game. This school just happens to be the number one party school in the country. We knew it was going to be a wild weekend from the start because there were 20 of us staying in a 4 bedroom apartment. My buddy, who lives there,who we will call {Tom}, had his cousin and some of her friends staying there also.
We get there about 7pm thursday and didn't stop partying until sunday morning. So lets skip to sunday morning I wake up and the place is absolutely trashed, (I truly felt like I was in the movie the hangover.) There was puke on the kitchen stove, beer and trash on every surface in sight, your shoes stuck to the ground as you walked, both toilets clogged, water wouldn't go down the sink, used condoms on the floor, the stench of old beer, puke, and weed, a bong sitting on the coffee table, and Im sure there was all sorts of other disgusting stuff all over the place.
So "Tom" and I are sitting there using the bong and we are absolutely baked, there are girls that a few buddies brought home the night before barely clothed, and about 15 of us sitting around at the apartment when the door opens and it was "Tom's" cousin and their aunt and uncle and little baby.
Toms cousin had to get picked up by their aunt and uncle because she said she stayed at a guys place. (I think she got arrested) So the aunt and uncle and their little baby decided to come by and check out the apartment. When they opened the door you could just see the haze we had made in the past 20 minutes and the look on the aunt and uncles face was priceless and all they could get out was "Oh wow"
Instead of turning around and leaving they sit there stand there and start talking to "Tom" while him and I look at each other and just lose it. We could not stop laughing to save our lives so after about 2 minutes of this and his aunt and uncle just staring at us with a stunned look on their face, I get up and go into his room to get away from the situation and tell the people that are in there whats going on.
I get into the bedroom and still can't talk because I can't stop laughing, a few minutes later I finally pull it together, when "Tom" and the rest of the family walk in. The husband sees one of the used condoms on the ground and says "Looks like you guys brought home some whores last night". This is right as one of these "Whores" and my buddy who brought her home was standing right there. The wife then says "I think she might still be here" This was then the most awkward moments of my life. Finally they turn around to leave and on the way out they say "Tom you got a long way to go bud" and leave. I couldn't think of a more fitting way to end such a crazy weekend.
1st_lurker: A story. Not TIFU.
Studlymofo69: Yeah my bad. I couldn't find a better place for it.
1st_lurker: All good...was a good story
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1410807396 | 1410811859 | t3_2ghgdn | t5_2to41 | 41 | MistahZig: TIFU at work because of my leftover meal.
The day before we ate spaghetti. The leftovers were put into an empty margarine bowl. Next morning, I put the bowl into my lunch bag and go to work like usual. Come lunch time, I put that baby into the office's microwave for 4 minutes and I go take a piss. When I come back, there's this overwhelming smell of popcorn on the whole floor.
Yep, I microwaved about THREE POUNDS of margarine instead of my leftover lunch...
kittens_in_mittens_: So, did you eat it anyway?
MistahZig: I'm so single-mindedly stupid that it took me putting the spoon into the melted margarine for me to figure it out. I thought I had put too much CheeseWhizz with the sauce.
So, no, but it was a close call
toooquiet: What in the actual fuck. I hope you don't work around heavy machinery.
MistahZig: HELL no I'd be dead by now
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1410809846 | 1410825467 | t3_2ghlar | t5_2to41 | 11 | gottosuck: TIFU by being too nice
This happened Saturday... I was walking down the sidewalk. And there was this bald guy standing on the corner. He stopped me and started talking to me. I humored him a little bit and then told him I had to leave. As I was walking away he said "I'm Portuguese, what are you?" and I said "Me too". He yelled "Really? Hey wait a minute you're not Portuguese, but I still love you!".
Later on I met up with a friend, we went to a bar, got some beer and sat down at a table outside. About 10 minutes later I notice the bald guy sitting 2 tables across from us. Did he follow me here? He approaches us and says "No, way, remember me" and I said "yeah" he said "May I sit down here?" and he sits down right beside me. He says "If you want me to fuck off just tell me". I didn't want to be mean so I didn't say that.
My friend looked visibly upset. Anyway, he asks me what my name is and I lied and I said "Robert" and then he said "You look Italian, you must be Italian" and I agreed. He then started calling me "Roberto". Then he started talking to me about how he doesn't really have any friends and he's so happy that he's sitting here with us. Then he said "Roberto, my brother has huge gallstones and he has to get surgery in a few days, I'm really depressed I hope he makes it". So I said "Yeah". He then says "Roberto, can I let you in on a little secret? My brother is gay, I mean he told me he was I was cool with this. But do you think that could give you gallstones?" I told him "I don't think so"
After about 20 minutes of awkward conversation he heads to the bathroom and comes back. Shortly after I decide to go as well. When I started walking down the steps I noticed there was a fog that smelled funny. Then I noticed all the bartenders gathered at the staircase freaking out, panicing and getting angry. I panicked and quickly went back up the stairs. One of the bartenders ran down and shortly after brought up a fire extinguisher and said "Someone used up this whole thing in the bathroom"
Then I went back to sit down and I see the bald guy run inside. I start hearing an alarm going off and then I see him running outside with members of the staff chasing him shortly after. I see him running away into the distance with members of the staff chasing him but they never caught him. When the staff failed to catch him and came back. I said "I think I'm gonna leave..." The guy said "You have to stay here until the police arrive and explain what your friend did".
Then these fire trucks and a police car showed up. I can see the look of disappointment in their eyes. Then a female police officer started talking to me and said. "Did you know that man?" I said "No, I just met him on the street". She said "Yeah....right. Well tell your friend he's an asshole that wasted our time".
neujersey: You can't blame yourself for the actions of a crazy person.
dogcatcher408: But you can find him and beat his ass thoroughly. What a douche.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410808971 | 1410832446 | t3_2ghjib | t5_2to41 | 5 | chopsuey84: TIFU by telling my uncle about google camera
So we were at a birthday dinner for my grandma and I was telling him about photo sphere. After we took the picture I went into the gallery to look for the picture and in one of the thumbnails I saw I guy with his foot long erect dick in his hand. I quickly exited out and told him that it didn't work luckily, our meal had just arrived so we didn't have to try for another picture
practicetoast: Long angle lens?
chopsuey84: Photo sphere
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410810242 | 1410844798 | t3_2ghm1w | t5_2to41 | 29 | reneefk: TIFU by letting my husband wash our kids hair, in urine
I was debating whether or not to post this, but I haven't seen anything like it. Like most TIFU's this wasn't today, it was 6 or 7 years ago. I swear this is 1000% true:
When I wash our son's hair, I rinse it under the shower or under the running tub water. Our son was old enough to be in the tub alone for short periods of time, but still needed help with washing his hair. I rarely ask my hubby to help with baths, but this day I did. So, I hear this huge commotion coming from the bathroom, and run in to see what was wrong. My husband washed our son's hair and grabbed a small toy watering can from the side of the tub to rinse it. It was one of those fat water cans, with a small hole that is tilted in the back behind the handle (tried to find a pic online of one, but I guess they don't make them anymore). Anyway, our son, when alone in the tub (and maybe at other times too) had been peeing in that watering can. I don't think it was full, but I think it was close. Or at least had a pretty fair amount. My husband washes his hair, picks up the watering can, and proceeds to dump a small bucket of piss all over our son's head.
We ended up re-washing his hair many, many times and scrubbing him like crazy.
[deleted]: It's not that big of a deal. Urine is sterile.
Medic_guy: Only when it's still inside your bladder, or freshly expelled.
After that, it can be a hotbed for bacteria.
[deleted]: I had no idea. TIL... that urine in fact isn't always sterile!
reneefk: Yea..I think it had been sitting for awhile. If I remember right, he said it stunk. I have no idea how we didn't smell it before.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1410810855 | 1410888860 | t3_2ghn9z | t5_2to41 | 27 | salad_dressing_dude: TIFU by not looking at who I was texting
This was a couple years ago but is still my biggest dodging of a bullet in my life. A little backstory..
I was moving across country and decided to drive it, and decide to leave a day early to stop in my old city for one last night with my high school/college friends. As we're driving to the bars a old crush of mine texted and said she wanted to see me before I left. I told her where we'd be, and she ends up meeting us with her friends an hour or two later. By this time I'm pretty drunk and she happens to be the sober driver, but that doesn't stop me from laying on the advances. She's shooting me down nicely the whole night, but finally she says, "Alright salad_dressing_dude I want you, but not like this. Tell you what, if you remember this conversation in the morning, let's go to breakfast near my house tomorrow and we'll pick up where we left off." With that we pretty much part ways, and we end up going back to my buddy's place to continue the debauchery.
The next morning I am groggy as all hell. I wake up from my friend's couch and stumble to the bathroom. My roommate from the city I just moved from texted me and asked how my last night out was. Sitting on the shitter I responded
"Excellent. Eating snatch for Easter breakfast. Check out the chick on my facebook from last night."
Yep, I somehow sent that text was sent to my friend from the night before. The realization hit me like a ton of shits, emptied my bowels in a second flat and sobered right the fuck up. Immediately I'm thinking damage control..how the HELL am I going to play this off? It's one thing to not get some nice loving from a long time crush, but we have a TON of mutual friends, and needless to say it was not going to bode well for me.
I go back and read the text. Jesus it sounds terrible. She hasn't responded. I keep reading the phrase "eating snatch". Good job you fucking idiot. Suddenly it hit me - search restaurants and hope to god someone was dumb enough to name a place Snatch. Sure enough, Snatch's Irish Pub pops up. Now I've got something to work with. I open up the text with the girl, pretending not to realize I sent that last text and just said "Good morning! I was thinking about breakfast and was wondering if you'd want to try this Irish Pub my buddy works at" Longest hour of silence ever. Finally I get a response: "Snatch's?" I think it's working! "Yeah but honestly it's a little out of the way and I don't think he's working, so we can just do something closer to you instead". Another long silence, followed by "hmm". I'm done for.
Finally she calls and we decide on a place and time. Of course she asks about it over breakfast and I was like "Oh jeez I meant to send that to my buddy who works there! You pervert what did you think it meant??" I sold that shit as best I could, looking dumbfounded and innocent and totally not like a guy who would talk like that to his friends. She bought it. I was back in. After that though I really felt like an asshole if I ended up sealing the deal after saying that and was happy to just be able to leave on good terms, so we kissed a while in the parking lot and I told her I had to hit the road.
TL;DR - Texted a girl that I was going to Munchma Quchi. Ran the choir boy play and saved my reputation.
NCSU_Tree_Whisperer: Perfectly executed deception.
2 Punches in your Man Card for you!
britfaic: Get an extra one for not taking advantage of her after that
GoldenPiggey: And another for "Texted a girl that I was going to Munchma Quchi."
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1410810547 | 1410886164 | t3_2ghmnn | t5_2to41 | 2,911 | Sazura: TIFU by accidentally calling an African orphan "Starvin' Marvin."
I really fucked up, reddit - and this one might just get me sent straight to hell.
A little over a year ago now, I spent a couple months working as a volunteer in an orphanage in Northern Tanzania - and I had an amazing time doing it. The kids were all nothing short of fantastic, simply ecstatic to be alive each morning. While I was working there, my daily duties included some English teaching, and helping with the cooking and cleaning. I'd go back in a heartbeat if I could.
For some background: In the first season of South Park, there's an episode called "Starvin' Marvin," in which an Ethiopian orphan is sent to South Park. [Here's how he appeared in the show.](http://imgur.com/5TiBspD) My friends and I are all long time fans of the show, and we would say we're "Starvin' Marvin" whenever we were hungry, and it kind of caught on after a while.
As I was handing out lunch to the kids at the orphanage, one of them said to me "thank you, I'm really hungry today." This particular boy was especially skinny. He was healthy otherwise, but he had arrived at the orphanage incredibly weak and stunted.
So I responded, out of simple habit and without thinking: "Oh so you're Starvin' Marvin, hey?"
As soon as I said it, I realized what I had done. I immediately said "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" Thankfully, he just kind of looked at me, a little confused. I don't think him or any of the other kids nearby knew what "Starvin" meant. But right after, the girl standing beside him pointed at him and said "Starvin' Marvin!"
And it stuck. For the rest of the time I was there, the other kids called him "Starvin' Marvin." The few local teachers didn't know where it came from, and tried to put a stop to it, but it spread though the entire orphanage within a matter of hours. I never told them it was me.
So what was the legacy I left behind in Africa? I gave an orphaned, hungry child the nickname "Starvin' Marvin."
Edit: formatting.
NCSU_Tree_Whisperer: So many up votes for the hilarity of this
Wasted_Plot: SO, MANY!!
me_can_san45: I upvoted him like, literally, a hundred times
PamShelan: Fuck off Unidan
cakeandbeer: Oh snap!
TheCowfishy: THIS!!!1!
| 7 | 415.857143 | |
1410811783 | 1410855798 | t3_2ghp4f | t5_2to41 | 288 | ComaderPoop: TIFU by headbutting and then slamming the door in a girls face
TIFU
little bit of context i am a 16 year old male who is very unsuccessful with girls, i have never even kissed a girl. Everytime in my life anything has ever been about to happen i fuck up, today was no different.
My parents have a strict no girls rule in the house so when they both went away to take my siblings to college i saw this as a golden opportunity to invite a girl round and finally not be mocked by all my friends. so i invite this girl round she's quite pretty and has liked me for a while always asking when we can meet up etc. so i'm pretty excited and expectant of big things (if you'll pardon the pun) . I put on my nice clothes and my nice aftershave, i even gel my hair.
Finally she arrives, she's wearing a shirt that is buttoned low enough for a lot of clevage to be showing and leggins in my head i'm thinking please don't fuck this up. After some general chit chat and fifa playing she suggests a tour of my house which of course finishes in my bedroom, she jumps on my bed and asks me to come join her, we end up staring at each other and talking for a good 10 minutes the anticipation was killing me. Interupting me she says 'suprise me!'
Me oblivious to her clever move continues to inform her about the success of my fantasy team, so she say's
'no stupid i meant kiss me'.
I have never been more nervous in my life i lean in for my first kiss and then BAM i get a spasm in my neck and end up headbutting her, blood gushes out of her nose all over my bed with nice white sheets, i grab her and get her to follow me to the bathroom as i open the door i forget that she is still holding my hand and the door swings open straight into her face cutting her forehead. she then proceeds to walk straight out my front door call her parents and tell all her friends.
Today reddit i fucked up.
UPDATE :
Update: So I have just seen her in school and she have me the worst Evils you have ever seen, however instead of all her friends hating me for it they found it hilarious and were all anxious to learn how it happened so that's a positive I guess. Just had a quick chat with her and after apologising she has forgiven me however she said it's best we remain "acquaintances". But started talking to a couple of other girls about it. Which is good
UPDATE 2: talked with her at lunch and she has agreed to come to my house on Friday!!! Finally an op(me) has come out on top yes!
Falaron: That was hilarious. I hope she can see the funny side too else you are screwed. I advise you to laugh about it too else you will feel a lot worse.
EDIT: Scrubs season 4, My Lips Are Sealed if you're into that sort of thing. Couldn't find the clip on YouTube.
ComaderPoop: Unfortunately she didn't find it funny however the rest of the school did so I guess it's a positive of this TIFU that I think I have come out of with more friends than before
en_rov: Have a good laugh about that, and ask that girl out. She'll understand you didn't mean to hurt her, and maybe turn out to be a nice person to be with
| 4 | 72 | |
1410811232 | 1410921228 | t3_2gho02 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by responding to a Craigslist personal with my company email account
I was being naughty and browsing Craigslist personals and sent a response using Craigslist's email link.
It was short and to the point, but I unfortunately attached a NSFW photo of myself in the body of the email.
After sending, I looked through my gmail sent folder for the message and didn't see it. Weird. Then it hit me. I looked in my work email's sent folder and there was the dirty email! The link that Craigslist opened when I hit reply was my work's email account! (I have both of them open during the day. For the record I use my own personal laptop in the office.)
I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know whether emails sent through my company's account are monitored. It's a young, entertainment company so I kind of doubt it, unless it flags keywords or photo attachments.
There's nothing I can do now but wait in anguish to see if I'm fired by the end of the day.
Lesson learned: if you're going to reply to Craigslist ads, COPY the email link and use your private account rather than blindly hitting the reply link.
1st_lurker: Note to self
Be productive and don't fuck around on the net when I'm SUPPOSED to be working.
you and Kruz should both be fired.
note-to-self-bot: A friendly reminder:
Be productive and don't fuck around on the net when I'm SUPPOSED to be working.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1410812479 | 1410827479 | t3_2ghqge | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By being a pervert
Today, I had a test in my history class. The day before I was studying super hard. When I got done studying for about two hours, I was for sure ready for my test. The next day comes up and I walk into my History class ready to ace the test. Near the end of the test, out of the corner of my eye I see movement. The girl to the left of me was messing with her bra. It looked like she was trying to fix it. Being the pervert I am I lose focus and I guess I start to stare. Suddenly, the teacher calls out my name. The girl turns and sees me looking at her boobs. Not only that I got a zero for my test. Then I got grounded.
azraels_ghost: How can a teacher possibly give you a zero for looking at someone? He assumed you were trying to cheat? Just tell him the truth, offer to retake the test alone.
caffeinefueled: because feminist teacher
azraels_ghost: Hmm, good luck with that. At least let your parents know. Im sure they'd rather know that you were just distracted by hormones and not actually cheating.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410813098 | 1410972322 | t3_2ghrn7 | t5_2to41 | 19 | bighert23: TIFU by being unintentionally racist.
On the weekends I work at a convenience store in my rural town. Well last weekend I was working the register out front dealing with customers. And I had a group of people come in and one asked me if the tall-boy Budweiser cans were warm.
And I ignorantly say, "No way José, they should be cold."
They were Mexican.
They all turned, looked at me, and walked out. I swear it just came out, I didn't even think about it. Then I had a nice talk with my boss who happened to be about 20 feet away.
Bucketheadcase: Strike Juan
thursday_13: You can get your Juaquin papers talking like that.
dralcax: Was that supposed to be a pun? I don't get it.
acun1994: Walking i guess?
thursday_13: Walking papers is a euphemism for getting fired. "Juaquin" is pronounced like "wa-keen" sometimes. Hence, Juaquin papers.
dralcax: I thought it was pronunced "Jew-whackin" and that you were racist.
thursday_13: Well, I did make a pun of a common Hispanic name to imply that he would get fired for making a racially insensitive comment. So it's kind of racist.
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1410811926 | 1410824285 | t3_2ghpeo | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by rubbing my dogs belly when I came home from school
So, as I got in from school my small dog was excited to see me. As anyone would, I start petting him. He rolls over, wanting his belly rubbed. As he does this I proceed to give him his belly rubs as needed. About ten seconds into the belly rubs a stream of pee starts coming out of his penis and onto my face, and in my mouth. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced. Even after using mouthwash I can still feel the taste lingering in my mouth.
boss_rokky: That's nothing, my dog took a shit on me once when I picked her up by the stomach.... she was dead at the time, too...
swiiing: At least you didnt have to handle 6 half dead and dying puppies because your parents were too lazy to get them immunized for parvo.
Edit: sorry, not trying to play the one up game, I was just reminded of dead dogs and poop, and felt the need to vent for a second.
boss_rokky: Whoa that sounds bad.
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1410813331 | 1410891273 | t3_2ghs31 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Yellow_Math_Man: TIFU by punching toilet paper
So whenever I watch TV, I see a lot of commercials about charming ultra soft toilet paper being like clouds. I went to costco yesterday, and in the back corner, there is a massive stack of 14 pack charmin.
It being a bit late at night, I snuck a quick look around and there was no one around. For some reason I've always wanted to punch a cloud, and charmin seemed like a good first step. So I quickly step back and swung a punch at the stack.
Let me tell you, a compressed stack of toilet paper is nowhere near as soft on your fist as it is on your ass. I collapsed to the ground clutching my hand and it felt like I had punched a wall. To add insult to injury, the top toilet paper pack fell onto the ground, making a slamming noise in the quiet store. I quickly ran out of there as fast as my injured hand would allow.
practicetoast: I'll bet Mr. Whipple is pissed! - http://youtu.be/WQurmhwP3ag
lord_sherlock_holmes: no no no...punching OK, squeezing is bad
| 3 | 1 | |
1410813925 | 1410826875 | t3_2ght92 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking for love on Craigslist
My first submission ever! Anyways...
So, I've always heard of the Craigslist personals. For those who don't know what it is, it's a section where you post an ad about yourself and what you're looking for and people reply via email (or phone number should you choose to post that). I'm in New Orleans, LA and I posted an ad in the strictly platonic section of Houston, Texas. Driving wise, it's about 5.5 - 6 hours away from each other, roughly 300 miles.
So I get a lot of responses from this ad that I posted, and after seeing lots of penis pictures, I finally come across a normal guy. We chat and we hit it off. We exchange pictures and then numbers, so I guess there was some mutual attraction there. In my opinion, he was just average, but talking to him and getting to know him was what had me hooked. So we both enjoyed each other's company so much that I decided to come see him for the first time and STAY with him for 4 days. Needless to say, we were both excited, because of course we talked about being together and getting to cuddle and you know what that leads to..
Fast Forward to time to go. I didn't feel like driving, so I booked a ticket for the bus. It was waaaay cheaper than what I would have paid for in gas, and I could have just slept on the way there. I arrive to Houston, TX at 7 AM, and he was suppose to pick me up. Boyyy, was I surprised when I saw him. Let's just say he was about 70-80 lbs heavier than the picture he sent. I quickly overlooked it, because I'm not exactly skinny minny myself, and besides, I've always had a thing for cuddling a little extra meat.
So we go back to his place and get into bed since it was still early in the morning. We made out, cuddled, and fooled around, but did not have intercourse. We spend all day Thursday together and then he starts acting distant. He kept asking ME if something was wrong and I kept asking him the same because it was like this: I felt like something was wrong so I looked kinda upset which made him upset which made him ask me what was wrong. Fast forward, he was up late doing work, so he told me to go to bed first and he'll be in later. I fell asleep, woke up around 1 AM and realized he wasn't in bed. Went out to the living room and he was sleeping on the couch. Woke him, he didn't come, so I just shrugged it off and went back to sleep til the morning. I woke up, and we both still look bothered, so I just asked him straight up what the deal was. He sits down on the bed and goes "it's not you, but you have a great personality, but I'm just not physically attracted to you."
Now, this hurt my feelings but I was pissed more than anything because 1) how the hell are you going to send me an OLD picture of you and didn't think I would meet you sooner or later, and 2) wouldn't you know if you WEREN'T physically attracted to me when I sent you MULTIPLE pictures throughout the 3-4 weeks that we were texting. Seriously, I sent him the most ratchet and ugliest pictures of me I could find just so that he wouldn't be "ambushed" like I was about my looks and physical.
Needless to say, I changed my reservation and went home that Friday. So I literally was in Houston for 1 and a half days.
That's what I get for looking for love on CL. He's going to regret it though. I'm still in the process of losing weight, so I'll be fine in no time. I just couldn't believe he had the nerve to say that he wasn't physically attracted to me after how he purposely sent an old picture of him.
Sorry for the incorrect punctuation and grammar. :P
EDITED:
For the kind commenter who's curious :)
[Selfie 1](http://i.imgur.com/eXyKOAb.jpg)
[Selfie 2](http://i.imgur.com/0TCDR9e)
[Seflie 3](http://i.imgur.com/f905piI)
UnknownUserlD: So, pictures of you are forthcoming, yes? Inquiring minds want to know. (And won't be rude about them, no matter what.)
CatfishedAndPlayed: Picture above :)
UnknownUserlD: Damn. You've got some muscle in those legs! I was hoping for a bit more skin, but wow.
CatfishedAndPlayed: Haha trying to keep my identity a secret ;)
| 5 | 1 | |
1410813523 | 1410900514 | t3_2ghsgq | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU the iPhone I bought off eBay on Sunday was legit burgled today
I bought an iPhone 5s on Sunday, and received this message today:
>Hello,
>Thanks for your message. I was actually going to message you this evening anyway as I have some bad news regarding the phone. Unfortunately, I came home to this (see attached pic) today, my door smashed and so many belongings taken including all of the phones etc sold over the period from Thursday - Today.
>They stole lots of things including my wife's car which they were seen in just a couple of hours later by police who chased them and they crashed the car. This phone and one other were recovered but the police would like to keep these to check forensics etc. I have told them the situation and that these were sold on eBay and were already packed in bubble wrap to be sent . They have recovered them in this condition so rest assured, you will get your phone if you can hold on until the police have done all of the necessary tests for fingerprints / DNA. I would ask if you could please, please hang on for this until Friday/Monday when the police have processed all DNA / fingerprint information and released the phones back to me. I simply do not have the funds to refund you immediately, however if you would prefer a refund, I completely understand and I will process that for you as soon as I have the funds.
>My apologies for this situation, I am truly sorry. I have attached a pic but also, here is the crime ref number for you to double check with *(censored)* Police if you wanted to. This is: *(censored)*
So yeah, this was the weirdest thing to have happened to me on the internet so far I guess.
Tl;dr: Bought iPhone off eBay yesterday, item was burgled off seller today.
DoubleLoop: They can get DNA with a swab that won't affect the phone. Processing for fingerprints could severely damage the phone. If it was still in the packaging, then the suspect never touched it. You should follow up and further verify his story. Also, make sure he requests that your item not be processed in a way that would damage your phone.
Hudzster: The seller mentioned that the phone was packaged and in bubble warp ready to be sent, so I assume the swabs are on the packaging surface.
| 3 | 3 | |
1410814030 | 1410814818 | t3_2ghtgi | t5_2to41 | 5 | cam110: Tifu with a cat that loves water
So I was at my uncles place, like every normal weekday, studying for my up and coming tests. I was petting the incredibly friendly cat that loves to sit on my notes. After I shoo him off so I could continue I stand up to get some more water. Have you ever had the feeling of only needing to pee because you stood up? No? Well it's the only time it's happened to me. I waddled into the bathroom pulled the lid up and started peeing whilst I shut the door with one foot. The cat loves running water he jumps into pools into baths which to me is completely contrary to what a cat should be. The cat ran in to the bathroom jumped and fell straight into the toilet whilst I was trying to stop peeing on his head. I finally accomplish to stop peeing and just start laughing incredibly hard at which point my auntie knocks on the doer and asks if I'm alright.
tl;dr I had to explain to my auntie why I peed on her cat
pineapplestrummer77: My cat loves running water too. My brother will come home and yell "Shower timeee!" and my cat will run to the bathroom and wait for him to turn the water on so he can take his own "shower". Tbh I think he just prefers it to licking himself clean, which is actually kind of genius
cam110: I usually check the bathroom to see if he is in there because he opens faucets/taps by himself and plays plays with the water for hours.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410814209 | 1410818585 | t3_2ghtt9 | t5_2to41 | 22 | Maeghun: TIFU by peeing in the dressing room of a mall
I generally don't have a bladder problem. I'm 28 [F]. That day I had a hectic work day and had to catch up with friends after work. So I rushed out of work and as usual didn't use the wash room there.
We are meeting up with friends when girls decide to go shopping. So we go to a mall and I puck out few dresses I like and go to the dressing room to try it on.
The temp in the dressing room is exceptionally low and it signals my bladder to pee when I'm midway through a dress. Not fully dressed not fully naked.
I peed. On the dressing room floor.
And then I tried to mitigate this by covering it with brand new clothes. To absorb the flow and not spread to other rooms.
As I move out, a lady rushes past me in the same cubicle without even noticing me.
And comes out in 2 mins with disgusted look on her face.
I make my exit swiftly. Point to note, I was wearing my tan trousers so the wet patch can be seen. People gave me looks outside but then I was sitting next to a fountain.
After that I've been very regular with my pee timings.
TL;DR peed in a dressing room and covered it with new clothes
djajay: ..and then you ran. You ran very quickly and never turned back.
Maeghun: I went outside and found myself a seat next to the fountain and waited for my friends to finish their shopping. Told them the wet trousers are cause I sat near the fountain absent mindedly
djajay: *slow clap* nicely done. Hope that wasn't a store you liked.
Maeghun: It was a store I liked but this particular branch was not the one I could visit often as it was on the other side of city.
I'm just afraid they would've printed my picture with a banned sign on it and stuck at the entrance
djajay: They probably do, with a picture of your pee spot on your tan pants.
Maeghun: The nightmare!
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1410814958 | 1410815808 | t3_2ghv8e | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU...by talking to my RA
Tifu: I have been fucking up for a while and today learned why. Note this takes place in the USA.
Well story beings a few weeks ago as collage just began. It was a nice Thursday night and I no classes the next day. You know what that means **Turn up** so we go clubbing and drinks were had mind you that I'm not 21 so its illegal. I come back to the dorm a little buzzed and because of that I am un-normally chatty. Well I unlock the door to the dorm and guess who sitting at the front desk my RA yeah for me! So being drunk I think it a good idea to have a talk about whats up in the world. Now mind you I'm not slurring words or other very drunk behavior just in the happy drunk mode. So we have a chat and go to bed. Now fast forward a little bit. As it turns out my RA is very busy and I never see her unless its on a Thursday night and I'm buzzed or whatever. For once I see her in the hall and I'm sober and she begins talking to me. Being sober now I'm very talkative a all....to the point where she asks if I'm ok... So here's my fuck up my RA thinks the drunk me is the sober me... Fuck
*TLDR: RA only knows me when I'm drunk and thinks There's something the matter if I'm talk sober.. Also drunk while writing this*
josepph: you seem drunk while writing this... so much for "not slurring words or other very drunk behavior"
comaman: Talking not typing.. Typing is hard. Was drunk while writing this.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410810767 | 1410965866 | t3_2ghn34 | t5_2to41 | 13 | yawgmothvape: TIFU By putting the battery in my car the wrong way.
So I got off of a 12 hour shift at work my car has been having troubles because the battery I had in it was old and worn. So i go to autozone and get a new one I was rushing to the fact I needed to be someone early. Take about 3 minutes to change a car battery. Well I let my OCD kick in and reversed the battery because the post were different on this battery and I turned it around, I noticed sparks come off as I did this and thought "man that is weird never seen that before" so I get in the car and try to start it. I then notice no light no head lights and the car wont turn over. I go in autozone and say the battery won't start the car but the old one will. Guy goes out and looks at it and says "uhh its reversed". "FUCKKKKKK MEEEEE" is what i said. panic set in as I took off the connections. I put it in the right way this time double checked and everything. Go to start the car same shit. I called up my mech(25yrs of exp) friend and he says "well...For sure some fuses broke check those ooorr you could have just fucked your car" he lists off stuff that could have broke. Fuel pump, alternator etc. etc... So I go searching for broken fuses. nope nope nope here is one 15amp on nope nope i then break a 10amp and a 5amp fuse while trying to look at them... ok replaced all the fuses. Bam the car starts. But wait there is no dash board lights or headlights, I call him and he says "did you check the big fuses?" I say "what big fuses?" He looks up my car and tells me about this little box in the engine compartment and I go looking for it after 5 minutes I found the little bastard and sure enough the alternator 100amp fuse is trashed. fix that and boom car works again after 2 hours of panic. Then a old man walks out and says "I knew that is what happened I have 45 years of doing this then laughs and walks away" in my head I was like you couldn't have told me that sooner huh. He wanted me to do it on my own I guess.
TL;DR Rushing to get someone put battery in wrong made a 3 minute job in a living nightmare for 2 hours. Got laughed at by a old man that knew what was broken and didn't say.
JeremyR22: > Well I let my OCD kick in and reversed the battery because the post were different on this battery and I turned it around,
You mean they weren't marked - and + and coloured red and black to match the cables?
Just a little tip for you, almost any place you buy a battery from (including Autozone) will put it in for free.
yawgmothvape: No my cables are marked and the battery was marked. It was a dumb mistake everyone makes some time in there life if they work on cars alot.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Nope, not everyone...now if you had said it was an easy mistake to make by inexperienced people, then I could agree.
yawgmothvape: Well I know two professional mechianics one thats been doing it for 25 years and one thats been doing it for 30 years each one of them has done it atleast once. and the guy that passed me in the story said has done it before. So if the likely hood that someone will do it if they do it all the time is higher then the avg joe. when my friend worked at a dealership someone forgot to put oil back into the truck they were working on. ended up blowing the motor down the road. my friends boss has forgotton to put the parking break on when they were testing something on the car and smashed the car into the wall. shit happens doesn't mean you have to be inexperienced.
lord_sherlock_holmes: My point was with the "everyone" portion of the comment. For all the guys you named, I know just as many who have never done that, myself included. So don't make such broad statements about "everyone". You didn't state "everyone makes mistakes". You said "It was a dumb mistake everyone makes some time in there life if they work on cars alot" directly referencing your mistake just prior.
yawgmothvape: Jah correct.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1410815905 | 1410819856 | t3_2ghx1n | t5_2to41 | 10 | Futuramafryday: TIFU By letting my cousin visit me at school
TL:DR Let my cousin stay with me at college for a weekend and he dropped acid at a party while I was at work.
So right now I'm in college and I usually spend the weekends back at home and the week in a dorm. I decided that since there were a few parties this weekend I would stay in town. My cousin (just turned 18, senior in high school) heard I was staying at college, and asked to come tour the college, because he wanted to go there. My roomate also goes home during the weekends so I asked if he could sleep in my roomate's bed and got permission. Groovy, he gives my cousin permission to sleep there.
So, he got here Friday. Went about my days, normal stuff. Showed him around campus, and here is where I fucked up. We're passing a few frat houses on the way there and I said "yeah there's a huge party going on there tomorrow, but I'm not going anymore, to chill with you." He said "oh cool man thanks" and we left it at that. We get back, play some PS4, hang out, go to bed. Next day we hang out with my friends, I chill in the lounge, trade some pokemon, go to work, get back, and he's gone. Shit. Shit shit shit. I lost my 18 year old cousin on a campus full of alcohol, weed, and probably worse. I call him, phone's off. I text him, no response. All I could think is don't panic. He's probably hanging with my friends. He's probably in the lounge. Or maybe he drove to McDonalds. No, his car is still here, he walked to wherever he is. So, I call up some buddies, none of them have seen him.
So I start to think. Where could he be? I walk myself through everywhere I took him and sudden dread filled me: the party. I walk in and immediately see him in the corner freaking out. Some kids are around him laughing. I walk up to him, pick him up, and bring him back to the room. I give him some water, he's still tripping. Finally I get him calm and sleeping. I stay up for the rest of the night, heart still pounding from the intensity of the situation. He gets up the next day, and tells me what happened. He took acid. Stupid kid.
Sunday comes around, I keep him on lockdown. I'm not going to tell his parents what happened if he doesn't tell mine. I glare intensely at him for most of the day, not knowing how he could be so stupid. My roommate walked in on the intensity Sunday evening and awkwardly walked out. Finally, Sunday night my cousin is gone, and my problems are over.
Oh wait, no they aren't. I get a phone call this morning from my mom. Ever see the scene from Harry Potter where Ron gets the letter and it screams at him? It was sorta like that. "HOW DARE YOU LET MY SON TRIP ACID, HE IS A YOUNG BOY! WHY WEREN'T YOU WATCHING HIM? WHY DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT THE PARTY? YOU KNOW HE HAS A DRUG PROBLEM!"
From what I understood he smoked weed once or twice, that was his drug problem. Needless to say, Christmas with the family is going to be awkward.
QYVXXT: No, you did not fuck up. But his parents did by hiding his drug problem.
Futuramafryday: Sorry if I worded it wrong, his drug problem is smoking weed a couple times. That's all he's done. Unless they really are hiding a worse drug problem, that nobody knows about but them
QYVXXT: I suspect that they were hiding it from you. I doubt there are many these days who think an 18 year old has a drug problem for smoking weed a few times.
easilypersuadedsquid: oh they exist alright ...
| 5 | 2 | |
1410816593 | 1410817596 | t3_2ghyer | t5_2to41 | 15 | RICHARD_CRAN1UM: TIFU by nut tapping myself
I was doing laundry, dropped a sock and tried to catch it mid-air against my body. I completely missed the sock and ended up hitting my self in the nuts so hard I dropped to my knees.
DETRITUS_TROLL: I hate when that shit happeens.
Teotwawki69: Hap-peens?
DETRITUS_TROLL: I would like to claim I meant to do that.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1410817427 | 1410826244 | t3_2gi00q | t5_2to41 | 8 | TwentyfootAngels: TIFU by insulting a classmate during an epileptic episode.
An old one, from before I learned of reddit.
Anyways, in high school, the girl who sat next to me in computer class suffered from epilepsy. I had no idea, since she only told her teachers and close friends. I'll explain that later. Regardless, she was really sweet, and you wouldn't know of her condition unless you were told.
One day, we were practicing on PowerPoint in a rowdy classroom, and the girl asked me to show her how to do something. We were somewhere between classmates and acquaintances at this point, so I showed her and made a few jokes along the way. In fact, I used her own mouse to hover over the area and rapidly squiggled it over the area she had to click on. You know how you use the mouse to "circle" an important area on a screen without touching it? Yeah, I did that.
At that stage, she sat really still... she was just staring at the screen. Motionless. She had a focused look on her face, so I assumed she was just staring at the screen as if to silently say, "the heck?" So I laughed and expanded on my explanation. Still no response! Huh... did I really explain it that badly, or was she just being silly? I decided that she was just being silly, so I waved my hand in front of the screen, laughed again, and said "Helloooo....? You listening?"
And just like that, she was fine. She didn't look at me, but she was fine. Instead, she said, *"Please don't, I just had a seizure..."*
Over the next two minutes, along with profuse apology on my part, she explained that she had been epileptic all her life, suffered from petit mal seizures almost every day, and feared that everyone would treat her differently if they knew about the disorder. I apologized some more and promised not to let on to it again. She laughed about it later, and I was the butt of her friends' jokes for a few days, but I still feel bad.
TL;DR Moved a mouse too fast, gave my classmate a seizure, embarrassed her because I thought she was goofing around. She was conscious the whole time.
op_is_fag_AMA: You are a secret keeper. She owes you sex.
TwentyfootAngels: I'm a girl...
op_is_fag_AMA: Giggedy Giggedy Gigg-E-dy!
| 4 | 2 | |
1410817890 | 1410873908 | t3_2gi0wb | t5_2to41 | 89 | hamisdelicious: TIFU By telling a Ray Rice Joke in my Women's Studies class.
Well, I fucked up big time today guys. First off this weekend I got drunk and decided to ride my bike home like an idiot, but on the way I flew off and hit the pavement resulting in a wicked shiner. So today I head to my class and immediately the professor asked me what happened to my eye.
I proceeded to tell her in a joking manor of course, "Oh I ran into Ray Rice on the elevator." Boy I tell you what she was fucking livid, the men in the class were laughing their asses off, but the teacher and the females in the class were pissed. She then when into a ten minute lecture on why it is not funny to crack a joke on sensitive issue, especially since she was a victim of domestic abuse, I mean fuck my life right.
TiiiMMMaHHH: Its a fucking joke.. it's a shitty world where you have to tailor your humor so as not to offend the meek.
If only Ray could have averaged more yards per carry and beat up a kid instead. He'd be playing on Sunday. Although if the current reports of AP beating a SECOND child last June are true, he might actually get a 2 game suspension.
throwawayea1: To the contrary, it's a shitty world where it's more important that you get a cheap laugh than someone else gets to feel secure.
logic11: No... just no.
Look, I've been on the receiving end of some horrific shit in my life, and I joke about it. That actually helps me to get over it. There is literally no topic that won't offend or disturb someone somewhere, if we start couching everything we do in terms that avoid offense we will not talk to each other at all.
Papa-Walrus: This is one of the most slippery slopes I've ever seen.
Do you actually, seriously believe that being careful about the context you make certain kinds of jokes in is going to lead to the end of communication as we know it?
logic11: No, however enforcing that people not make jokes that make some people uncomfortable I see ending meaningful communication. Not as a slippery slope, as a direct consequence. Say whatever you want, criticize the jokes (and the joker) all you want, and I will defend them all I want. The day you gain even one ounce of power to prevent them from making those jokes we are all in trouble.
Papa-Walrus: Ah, okay. I misunderstood your original comment then. I thought you were saying that the criticism itself, not the possible enforcement, was going to cause the problem. And I can totally agree that bringing in any kind of enforcement into the issue is going to cause trouble.
| 7 | 12.714286 |
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