start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1410818507 | 1410903433 | t3_2gi20c | t5_2to41 | 41 | Poem_on_a_Stick: TIFU by making a joke during sex for the first time.
My girlfriend and I recently decided that we were comfortable with engaging in intercourse for the first time. As we were getting to it, I prepared myself for penetration, however, disaster struck. No matter how hard I tried, [my pee-pee would not fit inside of her va-jay-jay](http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1036984/truck-stuck-in-bankhead-tunnel-76662.jpg).
We try this for 15 minutes or so with no success.
In a poor attempt to subdue the awkwardness and to lighten the mood. Without thinking I say, **"if a pedophile can do it, so can I!"**.
Let's just say all hope of losing my virginity was lost.
DasHeadCrapHGN: The first penetration is always the most awkward. It's when you see how professional porn stars really are with their line of work.
L3ftyrocks89: Because porn is just like real sex.
DasHeadCrapHGN: I didn't mean it that way at all. I just meant after my first time years back I thought "shit porn stars are good at putting their dicks in vaginas in under 5 seconds".
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1410817170 | 1410897992 | t3_2ghzj8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | krepasojo: TIFU by getting into an argument with my roommate about the Eagles.
Today I was eating lunch in my apartment watching SportsCenter while my roommate was doing his dishes. The TV and the sink are in close proximity of one another. As I watched a short bit about the Eagles football team I stated out loud "I really don't care for the Eagles".
My roommate, the kind of guy that loves to play devils advocate with arguments, says back "Why don't you care for the Eagles man? I think they are great."
Just for a quick backstory, we have both talked about disliking the Eagles franchise many times before (no offense to Eagles fans..) So naturally I thought he was playing devils advocate with me again when he said they were great.
I say back to him, "Man, I just don't care for them at all. I have said that before and I am just casually saying it again. I think that people who like the Eagles are annoying and they only seem to like them just because they have a reputation as "good" when really they are not that good.
I go on to list problems with Eagles fans talking about how they are loud and obnoxious always wearing those ugly shirts and slapping those massive eagles stickers on the back windows of their cars. As I do this my roommate informs me that I have said on multiple occasions that I love the Eagles and think they are awesome.
I argue back saying that I have never said such a thing and inform him that we have both talked about hating the Eagles and that he is just arguing for the sake of arguing. After we banter back and forth about who said what and when, I stop the argument and say "lets agree to disagree". But being an idiot I had to have the last word and I said, "You know man, that devils advocate game you play can come across as really annoying."
This offends him severely and he begins to tell me that I was the one playing devils advocate with him. After a 5 minute argument about who plays the devils advocate game more, the argument stops and he stops doing his dishes. He then says "Man, you play Hotel California and Tequila Sunrise all the fucking time, and you're telling me that you hate the Eagles?"
That was when I realized that for the last 15 minutes my roommate thought I was talking about The Eagles.... as in the band. A band that the two of us had listened to all of the time and talked about how awesome they were hundreds of times.
Upon realizing I said, "David, I am talking about the Eagles football team. Not The Eagles band....
We had been arguing about two different Eagles.......and through the process of the argument we had told each other how annoying, argumentative, and negative the other person was..
All because I was so focused on being right, I failed to realize we weren't even talking about the same thing and now we both know what problems we have with one another.
Pick234: soooo... you DON'T hate the eagles.. just the eagles fans...
that's like me saying I hate reddit because of its users..
:)
then again I hate all the sports fans to begin with..
no wait.. sorry I just hate people
jnewman1991: I'm a self loathing eagles fan I guess. I love the team, but the fans are usually retarded.
Pick234: indeed. fans are retarded.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410810453 | 1410840183 | t3_2ghmgf | t5_2to41 | 17 | Steph_WaHoo: TIFU by getting bored in class
Like many posts here, this did not happen today, but about 8 years ago, when I was in high school.
This particular day, my health class was relocated to the computer lab to work on a project. We were making diet/exercise logs to track our progress for the rest of the semester. Of course, this required about 20 minutes of explanation so naturally I got bored and decided to entertain myself.
For some reason, I had this stupid camp song stuck in my head, "Hi My Name Is Bob." For those of you aren't familiar (I'm guessing most of you), it goes something like this:
*Hi, my name is Bob,*
*And I work in a button factory.*
*I got a wife, two kids, and a FA-mily.*
*One day, my boss said to me,*
*"Hey, Bob. Are you busy?"*
*And I said, "No."*
"Push this button with your right hand"*
You (Bob) then move your right hand as if you're pushing a button. You continue this motion for the rest of the song, which basically involves repeating the same verse over and over with different body parts until eventually you're hopping up and down trying to push buttons with both hands, both feet, your head, etc.
Anyway, back to the story. This stupid Bob song is all I can think about, so I decide to type it out. I scroll a few sheets over on my excel doc and pop out about 6 verses before it's time to actually start working. I go back to the 1st sheet and knock out a fitness plan the governator himself would be proud of (and one that I would never actually complete). I send it to the shared printer and then notice a typo. I fix the error and send it again. Then I see a way I can improve it a bit, modify it, and send it again. I do this several times (I strive for perfection).
About 5 minutes before class gets out and just as I'm about to get up to collect my masterpiece from the printer, I hear the teacher bellow from across the room, "WHO IS PRINTING OFF ALL THIS 'MY NAME IS BOB' CRAP??"
My stomach drops. I realize I never deleted my ode to Button Factory Bob, and every time I hit print, six verses of that shit were sent to the shared printer. At first I just kept my head down, hoping against hope that she would just drop it. She didn't.
"WE MONITOR YOUR COMPUTERS, YOU KNOW! I'LL FIND OUT WHO DID THIS!"
I knew I was fucked. The teacher clearly thought it was some kind of prank and was looking for retribution. I ever so slowly stood up and shamefully went to claim my creation-and face my doom- in front of the curious eyes of the entire class.
TL;DR I pushed my teacher's buttons
xxKillerCrocxx: aw i thought you ACTUALLY pushed her buttons :(
Steph_WaHoo: My middle-aged, overweight health teacher? Nahhh
Evilkill78: Why do all health teachers have to be the *perfect* examples of health?
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1410820156 | 1410840667 | t3_2gi4x9 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by mixing alcohol and benzos
This latest fuckup happened this past Friday. A friend we'll call him Jack is moving to another province so we got together at a mutual friends house we'll call him Mark to pre drink and go to a local pool hall / bar. I've been taking benzos for years and I've drank on them before, although not a good idea a side effect is getting blackout.
So we start off at my friend Mark's place where I'd say a good 20 people were pre drinking and having a great time. Jack and myself have a history of taking swigs right from the bottle without mix or chase so we start drinking some Jager and Rum. Many drinks later we've gone to the pool hall and decide to leave, I'm feeling pretty smashed. This is where I stop remembering things, I'm going by what I was told from a friend of mine. Another friend at the hall and myself decided that even though my car was at Mark's (I like to crash wherever my car is) we'd go to Jacks for a few and then cab it to Mark's.
This is where the fuckup starts. Apparently my friend who joined Jack and myself and went to Jack's place wanted to leave but couldn't find me. After looking everywhere he walks to the front lawn to find me beating the crap out of the "For Sale" sign on my friends lawn. It was taking some heavy damage and I eventually fell over. My friend gives me his hand to help me up and instead of using my energy to get on my feet I use it to vault right through the sign and land on my wrist, fracturing it.
Apparently I was laughing my ass off until the morning when I woke up extremely hungover and wondering why my wrist is killing me. I'm sitting here in a cast for 6 weeks and being a big gym goer this is going to hurt my progress immensely.
TLDR: Got my ass kicked by a for sale sign, fracturing my wrist.
[deleted]: That is indeed what happens when alcohol and benzos mix inside you. Alcohol and benzo is a 1+1=3 situation.
Also id be getting liver checked out as you said youve been mixing em for years. Alcohol + benzo is far harsher than just alcohol or benzos (remember 1+1=3)
spicyboldbbq: I'm actually considering quitting drinking all together. Currently trying to get off benzos via a taper program given by a doctor. 4 years or so a stupid doctor i had thought it was ok to have me take 4mg daily.
[deleted]: 4mg a day for 4 years? Is this xanax, valium or klonoppin? Im assuming xanax? And you drink?
Straight up brah, get your liver checked even if you are quitting. If there is an issue catch it now, not when it short circuits.
Thats a hefty dosage for 'therapeutic' reasons. Thats a low end " lets get fucked up" dosage unless its valium then there might be rationality to the dosage. I say this as a drug addict so that might even be a " lets reenact The Hangover" dosage for some.
spicyboldbbq: Yeah I've been told by many doctors thats the max therapeutic dosage. I will actually get it checked out, cant imagine the damage i've done to it.
[deleted]: I said 'if' ;). Theres no guarentee you did anything, but that combo is known too. And 4 years of it raise the odds. Better safe than sorry.
No intent to scare you. Just letting you know so IF there is, you can fix it, if you werent aware.
Good luck on the taper tho.
Edit: I just dont see why someone would put anyone on 4mg of xanax (?) Unless anxiety attacks give them a heart attack or something. Blows my mind.
spicyboldbbq: Yeah I don't either but this doctor has his license revoked a few years after. He was always off, the big red light was when he used google to look up my symptoms in front of me at that and asked what I wanted to take as if I know. I'm on Klonopin.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1410819777 | 1410915804 | t3_2gi48w | t5_2to41 | 4 | Timshel213: TIFU by addressing my interviewer by the wrong name.
Had an interview today. Overall it went pretty well until the end when we shook hands and I called him by the wrong name. I didn't even realize my fuck up until I got back and looked at his business card and realized it was the wrong name.
wsgeorge_: Not a terrible fuck up imo
lord_sherlock_holmes: really? it's a huge FU because it shows the interviewer that OP can't listen or doesn't pay attention to detail. If OP can't remember a small simple detail like that in such a short span of time, how can the interviewer come to the conclusion that OP is reliable or can produce the work necessary for the business to survive?
Timshel213: I'm a worthless piece of 💩
| 4 | 1 | |
1410820800 | 1410851570 | t3_2gi5z1 | t5_2to41 | 16 | large_falcon: Tifu By not researching the source of the article I did a presentation on in class
So a little background info. I'm in a U.S. government and politics class in my high school. Every semester you and a couple of other students have to give a presentation on a "current event" that is happening in the world. This project is appropriately called: "current events."
Now on to the fuck up..
My group and I put together a half assed project with this: http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/world/2014/August/ISIS-Swallowing-Iraq-Theyre-Beheading-Children-/ as the main article. Well, being the geniuses that we are, we didn't notice that article was from a Christian news source. Furthermore, this news site was run by Pat Robertson who, for those of you who don't know, is that guy who believes natural disasters are caused by homosexuals. So there we were, my group and I, standing in front of the class presenting the views of a radical Christian news site seeming as though we were pushing our crazy christian beliefs on our classmates. Afterwards the teacher told us our source was a pile of b.s. and we were dumbasses. We still got an A.
poohspiglet: Still got an A.
That's all that counts. If you can learn from your mistakes, teachers and professors are usually very happy with that. When you can't see the mistake and fail to take a lesson, then that's wasted time and effort and the teacher feels they failed, therefore they fail you.
large_falcon: Thanks man. That's some good advice
LePizzeria2: Think the girls should've gotten a D
| 4 | 4 | |
1410820763 | 1410824111 | t3_2gi5ww | t5_2to41 | 8 | Tylerheretostay: TIFU by not asking the girl I liked out.
It all started in the 6th grade,there was this girl I liked.
Let's say her name is...Karie (Don't wanna use her actual name).
I really liked Karie.We met in the *6th grade but you read that already*.It was art class,6th bell
(Ironic huh,P.S. This is also where I met my two good friends Dakota and Caleb)
I was placed next to her at the group tables.At the time we were just friends.
*This carried on to 7th grade so ima jump ahead to 8th grade*
But when 8th grade came along we had the same Homeroom together.This is where my Feelings for her took off.I really started liking her and the time we spent together even if it was just doing class work.It meant something to me.
(I'm not that kind of guy that goes out with a girl just because or wants some action.)
When even our teach had us paired together as partners or in a group together ment the most because in our free time that we had we would just talk and talk.
(Probably really cheezy to you guys but not to me)
For my *New Years Revolution* I told my self I'd boost my confidence and ask her out in Highschool.
At the time I didn't have the confidence to ask her out yet so I spent a long summer thinking about her.
Highschool came around (It's where I am now.A freshie.) and it kinda sucks because I don't have any classes with her but I have plenty of classes with my friends in it so that cheered me up alot.It was about the time I was gonna ask her out since I don't have the balls to do it in person.I was gonna do it *ON THE INTERNET!!* And thank god I didn't ask her out at lunch the following Monday.Because someone already asked her out and I saw the post that just killed me that day *Karie is in in a relationship with BLAH*.That day..was Saturday (My friends cheered me up though so I'm ok...for now).
And that's my first reddit fuck up,Hope it wasn't too long.
tl;drhas long time crush on girl.about to ask out girl.finds out he is too late.feelings destroyed.
Electrivire: That happened to me in high school as well.
I can tell you from experience that relationships in High school feel like they are the most important thing in the world.
At best they are good experience, and at worse they cause you unneeded pain.
Don't let it get you down. Just remember that you might never talk to any of the girls in your high school again once you graduate.
Tylerheretostay: I'll probably lay off of relationships till prom time anyways so I can focus on school some more then get into a good college. then blah blah then settle down.
Electrivire: Have fun in High school, just remember that it's only 4 years of your probably 80+year life.
Tylerheretostay: True that.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1410823153 | 1410927177 | t3_2gi9z8 | t5_2to41 | 16 | minigrut: TIFU by eating chruches chicken and getting drunk
Well like most tifu stories this didn't happen today. And let me apologize now because this is my foray into posting on reddit and it's pretty long. This story is the reason i don't eat at chruches chicken anymore. So lets get this started. This happened about 6 years ago. I was nineteen at the time and like many other teenagers, dying of hunger after an all night and all morning battlefield 1942 binge. So me and my grandma went to chruches chicken and grabbed a 4 piece meal each. I was fucking hungry at that point, having gone the entire day before and the better part of this morning without eating, so i go back and order a six piece dinner. I ended up gobbling down the greasy chicken and proceed about my daily business. Later that night around like 10-11ish, I get a call from my best friend asking me if i wanna go out for some drinks. I tell him I'll meet him at his place and we'll go from there. I get to his place and we're kicking back shooting the shit when another friend comes over, lets call her Amy. Amy suggests we go to her house and party it up there since her parents are away. I immediately think hmmm......B+ girl inviting us over to her house for drinks.....hmm tonight could end well. How wrong i was. When we arrived, there was at least 3 other people there including her boyfriend. Fast forward 2 hours and six 36 can cases of booze later (i was a light weight at the time) we decide to call it a night (mostly because I've drinken 3 cases by myself and passed out twice). So i ask Amy for a ride home and she says no because in my drunken stupor i broke a piece of her drum kit that was really expensive. By the time i stumble outside everyone is gone, leaving me to my own drunken devices. So i did what any drunken teenager could do at the time: walk the 6+ miles back to my house, drunk, hoping that i would sober up before reaching my destination. So began my long journey back home. At the time i was wearing a pair of blue jeans, an iron maiden shirt, a black pull-down jacket with the one big pocket in front. As I was walking i discovered that my pocket had more of the tasty yet damming alcoholic beverages. If growing up poor taught me anything, is that you do not waste food or drinks. So i proceeded to drink the remaining 6 or 7 cans of beer further propelling my drunken state. I kind of faded out at this point but somehow i kept walking. The next thing i remember is the conversation me and my stomach had.
Stomach: hey bro you might wanna get somewhere safe.
Me: huh, why?
Stomach: remember those 10 pieces of chicken you had earlier?
Me: yeah....
Stomach: well turns out a gallon of alcohol plus all this walking has made me a little sick, sooooo I'm sending it all downwards. Me: oh...........well shit man.
Right after this exchange my stomach lets out a low moan that kinda sounded like a death rattle which was followed by the worst fart I've ever created. My eyes started watering and the smell, THAT FUCKING SMELL!! Like rotten eggs mixed with a rotten corpse that was covered in decaying beef that had been kept in a full leather jumpsuit in the sun for a month. As i'm walking down the street emitting this foul stench, i see a beacon of hope in the distance; a church. My booze addled brain thought it would be a good idea to walk over there, knock on the door and politely ask if i can use their restroom......at two on the morning. That was not the case. I got to the door banged on it for what seemed like an eternity. Finally some old lady threw the door open and yelled at me. It was around this time that many body decided to release another death fart which i had to cut short because of some minor spillage. Before the smell could hit her, i asked if i could use the bathroom with my best attempt at a sober voice. I thought i said "can i please use your bathroom?" Which drunk speak must of taken that and translated it into " Fuck you bathroom now please" because she had the most offended look on her face. Then the smell hit her like a saibamen hitting yamcha. She slammed the door shut and locked it tight. Well......fuck. After the door slammed shut i hurried around the back of the church too see if there was anything that could help me. What i found was a dumpster, a parking lot with low sitting wall no higher than 3 feet, that connected to a full sized wall maybe 7 feet high and ran the length of the street. With the levees of my ass about to break i moved the dumpster in front of the low wall, pulled down my pants and proceeded to rocket fire the most foul smelling shit at the wall. The release as well the relief felt amazing, but the smell killed those feelings immediately. After what seemed like hours of shiting i took my socks off to clean myself and assess the damage. It was everywhere, and when i say everywhere i mean fucking everywhere! It was on the ground, on the dumpster, all over the wall, in the parking lot, and on my shoes. It looked like someone struck oil on the grassy knoll of a church. Becoming more and more self conscious of what i just did, i got the fuck out of there. After walking for what seemed like another block i realized i was close to home and that my arms were covered in shit. I thought to myself that i can't go home and have my grandma seeing me in this state. So i walk over to the closest house and look for a water hose. I find the hose, turn it on full blast, and start cleaning my arms. As I'm cleaning a guy comes out of the house next door and sees me. At this point I'm completly oblivious to him, I'm just focusing on cleaning my arms and getting back home. The guy comes up and taps me on the shoulder and i freak the fuck out! I yell, jump up, take the hose and spray him with it, and run the next two blocks back home. Well that was a long story. There's a second part to the story if you guys want to hear it let me know but for right now im tired as hell of typing.
TL;DR: got drunk, broke someone's drum kit, walked home drunk, pooped on a church, tired to wash the poop off my arms and sprayed some guy with a water hose.
1st_lurker: You drank 100+ beers, forgot you had 7 beers in your hoodie.... I stopped reading there.
I smell steer shit.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: Apparently if you're OP beer comes in 1 Oz cans
1st_lurker: Lmfao...upped bro
| 4 | 4 | |
1410823654 | 1410897998 | t3_2giauh | t5_2to41 | 17 | Hello_McSwiggans: TIFU by hitting on a hipster chick
Reddit, TIFU by hitting on a hipster chick.
I melt at the sight of those skinny jeans and thick-rimmed glasses. The free spirit, the music-saaviness. Hipster chicks are my kryptonite.
For the past couple years I've lived in downtown Manhattan, but after some time realized I need to go straight to the Normcore source: Brooklyn, NY. To quell my unquenching desire to simply be in the vicinity of these curly-haired angels, I found a sweet apartment in Greenpoint, Brooklyn a couple weeks ago. It is the mecca of hipster chicks.
I live on the third floor, and right outside my apartment door is a ladder that leads to the rooftop. My parents are visiting so I wanted to show them the view of the city. On this rooftop there's a community garden where people in the neighborhood come by and grow plants. This is where I met said hipster chick.
We go up there and I spot her with a hose off to the side watering some plants ever-so-nonchalantly in basically a onesie, body-tight outfight. Slammin'. Just an overall very cute hipster chick.
I show my parents around and then send them off down the ladder. I stick around and turn to said cute hipster chick,
"Hey, what, do you guys take turns watering these plants?"
She responds ever so sweetly, "Oh no, I'm pretty much up here all the time. We've planted a lot of new things. Hey I'm actually going to be out of town for the next week, would you mind watering these new plants for me?"
I am mesmerized by her cuteness/hipsterness and try to be equally as cool. I don't realize she is unsuspectingly roping me in to some surprise responsibilities.
"Yeah definitely, I live downstairs anyway. Which ones?"
She proceeds to show me where all the new plants were planted, and how much water to give them for the next week. Sweet! Now I'm responsible for taking care of a garden having absolutely no gardening experience.
Really hoping I don't permanently stunt the growth of these plants...
5unbr0: Use weedkiller to prevent weeds from destroying her plants. Don't be stingy with that shit.
Water once every 2 days unless if it's really hot, then once per day. Water until the earth/ground becomes slightly moist (before puddle forms) practice on shittiest plant first.
Upload pics!
ZeroSumHappiness: Don't use weed killer unless you ask first. She may want the organic.
Hello_McSwiggans: She's a hipster. She definitely wants them organic!!
5unbr0: The joke was that the weedkiller would have killed the original plants. Hence making all future efforts futile. I'm evil, I know.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1410824556 | 1410825860 | t3_2gicfm | t5_2to41 | 3 | Fenix24: TIFU by deleting all of the photos of my first family holiday abroad with my 7 month old son
I got back from holiday today having had no internet for 2 weeks and after a lot of time in baggage claim, driving home and getting stuck in traffic, getting the baby bathed and put to bed then sitting down to catch up on things.
I had a little look at the photos I took whilst away (lots of them), my Day One journal where I posted about 5 items a day with photos that were then sync'd, albeit offline, to Drop Box and then caught up with things back on my laptop.
I'm a registered iOS developer so I thought it was about time I check out the iOS 8 GM and see how my apps get on with it and also have a bit of a nose myself. The nature of the iOS 8 dev previews is that you do an Option + Restore (thus wiping your device) and it didn't even occur to me to do a manual backup until halfway through the process ...
... from the title you can guess what happened next. Photo Stream seems to have got about 10 of my 100+ photos and the rest are **gone**. I've ran every piece of software I can find to try data recovery and they all find 2 voicemail AMR's that I received whilst away but no pictures.
I'm absolutely beside myself!
**TL;DR**: I got home from my first holiday abroad with my 7 month old son to then wipe my phone without taking a backup and lost all of my pictures and videos.
cbow120: Fucking hell that sounds bad
Fenix24: Yeah my wife's talking to me which is the amazing part. Not sure I'll ever forgive myself for this one though!
cbow120: Well you can't replace memories, but atleast there always in your head
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410826323 | 1410909111 | t3_2gifg4 | t5_2to41 | 637 | [deleted]: TIFU by jacking it near a fan. [NSFW]
So it's hot today, and it was really boring and I was really horny today, so I decided to just jack off right in front of my computer. Nobody was home so I had a pretty good time, until I finished and the steady stream of jizz flew over to the fan, and hits me in the eye. It stings like fucking hell and ruined my favorite shirt.
Fan in question: http://i.imgur.com/nZS77Zt.jpg
javaski: Man, if semen ruined clothing on contact, I would own no clothes.
TheStormSpartan: The stain is gone now, still a little dark since the shirt was red...
javaski: Saliva is the sure fire way to get it out. But you can't expose it to the air before applying it to the stain -- put it directly on the stain with your mouth.
joetrenhar: waaaat? really?
MexicanBeatle: Yeah totally. I do it all the time.
boxedmachine: Make sure it goes straight from your mouth to the stain, the air would cause the stronger enzymes to die.
i_pk_pjers_i: Chemistry major here, he's not lying. If it comes into contact with air, it will harden and be a lot more difficult to get out.
I'm not kidding.
imaybemeesh: Man, you guys are mean.
| 9 | 70.777778 | |
1410817453 | 1410841163 | t3_2gi02f | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by singing to a work client over the phone
This just happened about ten minutes ago.
Last week my manager told me to quit using both my ear buds to listen to music because I couldn't hear shit (and also I'm sure because I just can't fucking sing). I should have heeded that warning. Today, nearing end of business: I'm in the zone, knocking emails out, jamming out with both my ear buds in. I see the phone ringing but fuck it, ain't nobody got time for that. Well, the genius that built this phone decided to put the ignore button next to the answer option. BAM - IGNORE... so I thought. I'm continuing on for what has to be a solid ten seconds until over speaker phone and past my buds do I hear "Hello?". And what do I know, I've been giving this woman a mini concert. I'm sure it wouldn't be half as bad if I had even a mediocre singing voice but unfortunately I wasn't graced by god with pleasant vocal ability. Sorry lady!
1st_lurker: Please say seal...please say seal
Evilkill78: Seal?
1st_lurker: I wanna.....FLY LIKE AN EAGLE. .....TO THA SEA!!!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410826623 | 1410828283 | t3_2gifx3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Swarles_Stinson: TIFU by emailing somebody i haven't spoken to since high school
Currently a senior in college and i accidentally sent somebody that i haven't spoken to or seen since high school, study notes for a class. I was trying to send them to a different friend in my class and they both have the same first name, so naturally my high school friend's email popped up first when i typed in the sender's first name. I didn't double check and clicked send before it was too late. I was hoping he would ignore it, but he blew it up and now i am cringing super hard.
TerminusEst86: You accidentally sent study notes to the wrong person. Unless these notes somehow contained dick pics, I'm not seeing the real fuck up.
Lavalamps13: Please elaborate, op.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410826809 | 1410837474 | t3_2gig9u | t5_2to41 | 67 | bleeding_asshole: TIFU by showing a picture of my ass blood and pubes to the family [pics NSFW]
Actually happened today so hooray for acronym accuracy.
So, I'm back home with the family for summer break. I live on the other side of the country for school so communication between me and my parents has been sparse outside of occasional phone calls. Naturally, they wanted to see how my college experience has been the past several months. Having anticipated this, I was careful ahead of time to peruse through and remove any suspicious-looking thumbnails such as booze, partying, hookups, etc.
What I didn't catch was a picture of my toilet water I had taken after a (rather) painful dump and the toilet paper ran red upon wiping my delicate puckered orifice. Normally, I would've just flushed and been done with it but I felt a strange non-diarrhetic sensation dripping out of my butthole and falling into the clear water below. I peered into the crapper and saw that blood had dripped into the toilet water such that it spread in a ring-like pattern in the likeness of a red watery tree trunk whirlpooling into the delicate petals of a flower born from a bloody colon. Of course I had to take a picture of it. While photographing my ass art, I also ended up also taking a picture of my ballsack, which I later cropped out on my iPhone. WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW WAS THAT CROPPING ON YOUR PHONE DOES NOT ACTUALLY CROP THE ORIGINAL IMAGE.
So, of course, as I display my journeys in college from hanging out with friends to eating exotic foods to my family, BAM, there on the screen was a picture of my bloody ringed toilet water. Normally, it would've been somewhat hard to tell what it was out of context, but my FRIGGEN BALLSACK was in the picture complete with some fuzziness in its uncropped glory. Ensue awkwardness. Family pretends nothing was there, but the elephant in the room had been birthed, almost as disgustingly as what was on my screen.
[Picture that my family witnessed](http://i.imgur.com/RDexbHc)
TL;DR Showed family pictures of college life, forgot to delete picture of rippling ass blood in toilet complete with hairy testicles
MrWeebl: I don't know why my brain thought that looking at this picture before dinner would be a good idea.
arod944: Hope you weren't eating dumplings.
MrWeebl: No, but my red Kool-Aid did not quite quench my thirst.
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1410828259 | 1411096144 | t3_2giisc | t5_2to41 | 16 | chrysal: TIFU by talking to the love of my life after eight weeks of Basic Training.
I've known this girl for about 5 years now. I'm 18, and I just came back from Air Force (*Chair* Force) Basic Training. Like the title says, I was there for 8 weeks.
So. I get back. I missed her so much. She was an odd girl, but that's what I loved about her so much. She had some emotional baggage for years, but who doesn't? Its not my place to judge. She had been raped. And I came along shortly after that. Originally she was cold and distant. But, after time, she started to open up. Eventually, she was my everything. Everything but my girlfriend. Which was fine. She needed time to heal. She just told me that she would like to date me, but she wasn't ready. She kept to that for 5 years. It did get quite annoying at times, like when we would go on dates and be intimate, and she'd tell me that she loved me, then go on to say, "only a little more time to wait, Chrysal".
But I clung to it. So, after we graduated, I had to go to basic. She kissed me goodbye, cried on my shoulder and told me she'd miss me.
I wrote her dozens of letters, whenever I had free time. We'd write essays.
I come back, eight weeks later.
She's dating my friend. This crushed me, and still is. She told me sorry. I forgave her. I don't want to be mad at her, because I love her so much.
Its killing me on the inside.
Well, this was more of a venting than a TIFU. Sorry if I broke any rules. Have a nice day, guys.
Imthedaddy11: are you me?
chrysal: I just might be.
Imthedaddy11: hi future self
stay in drugs
eat your school
don't do vegetables
| 4 | 4 | |
1410828342 | 1410829233 | t3_2giiwn | t5_2to41 | 36 | tbagtrett: TIFU by masturbating with shampoo and accusing my girlfriend of having an STD.
to be completely honest, this happened years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school. I thought this story would still be best shared on this subreddit. on to the story...
I had recently started dating this girl who was a senior. I thought this was very cool, dating a girl who was two years older than me. I knew, when going into the relationship, that this girl had been around a bit. this genuinely didn't bother me, because I was 15 years old and having sex with a senior for a while seemed entirely worth it. we only dated a short amount of time before eventually having sex, and being young and naive, I didn't wear a condom. a week and a few more sexual encounters later, I was at my house and I was taking a shower. while in the shower, I decided it to be a good time to jerk off. then I thought "I wonder if shampoo is a good lubricant to make this process easier?" (stupid idea, I know. I was fucking 16.) So, I then whacked it with the shampoo, finished, and finished my shower.
the next day, I woke up to my penis having a strange crust of skin surrounding it, which was chafing extremely badly. my first thought was, "holy shit... I have an STD." so, of course, my first thought was to ask my girlfriend if she had an STD. when I asked her, she absolutely freaked out. she responded "why the fuck would you think I have an STD?"
the only way for me to respond was to be completely honest. I told her what I woke up to, and she was completely disgusted. we argued for a while, called each other liars and what have you, and it ended with her saying "well, I don't want to fucking date a guy who has an STD." and we broke up. I then started to think about what could have caused this if it wasn't an STD. it was the next time I was in the shower that I had my epiphany. I guess when I masturbated, I didn't wash off all of the shampoo suds that were on my penis, which caused my dick skin to start peeling. this is where I knew I fucked up. there was no way for me to tell her the truth, as she would most likely be even more weirded out if I said "hey, turns out it wasn't an STD, I just jerked off with shampoo! no big deal!" so, I kept quiet about my realization.
people in my high school then went on to ask me what happened between my ex-girlfriend and I, and I always just said "yeah... it just wasn't working out."
WWLadyDeadpool: That happened to me once. A guy I was seeing got jock itch and accused me of giving him herpes.
Also, some units in the Army started issuing lube because of poor choices in lubricant leading to sick call visits.
AnonForSenate: WtF were those army guy's doing? Using sandpaper and their rifles? Jesus Christ.
I can't be the only guy who doesn't rip his dick to shreds.
WWLadyDeadpool: I'd heard it was largely because a lot of body washes have those little micro beads.
| 4 | 9 | |
1410829689 | 1410831472 | t3_2gil8c | t5_2to41 | 8 | chowclee: TIFU by drinking my own piss
So when I sleep, I usually keep an empty plastic one gallon jug next to me, so when I wake up in the middle of the night I can pee in it instead of having to walk to the bathroom (I have a small bladder).
When I wake up in the morning, I just clean it out by flushing it down the toilet and rinsing it out in the sink.
Well, this morning I felt lazy watching Netflix in bed and decided to do it later.
After maybe 2 hours, I felt really thirsty, and I usually keep another gallon jug of water that I drink from, so without glancing away from the screen, I uncapped the piss jar and drank from it.
LittleLotusVixen: I can fap to this.
TiiiMMMaHHH: the real question is.... did he swallow?
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410830352 | 1410842614 | t3_2gima7 | t5_2to41 | 37 | candied_yams: TIFU by wearing a dress
This happened about an hour ago.
So I decided to wear a dress to work tonight because it's still relatively warm out. I was hungry, so I decided I would stop at a soup and salad restaurant for some take out. Now, as I'm pulling up into the parking spot, there are two motorcycles parked in the stall next to me. A girl was sitting on one while her boyfriend was standing near her. They were both glaring at me. I gave them a quick glance before I stepped out of my car to get some food. The way the girl glared at me made me really annoyed and uncomfortable, like what business does she have to glare me down for no reason?
As I am walking, I feel her eyes on me. There is a large vent on the ground, but I was unaware that it was blowing air straight up. I stepped onto the vent, and the strong gust of wind blows my dress up, revealing my ass. I can feel my bare ass completely visible to this girl and her boyfriend. I pulled my dress back down and kept on walking in embarrassment.
After I grabbed my food, I nonchalantly walked back to my car. The boyfriend grins at me while his girlfriend looks like she is about to pull out a machete and murder me for accidentally Marilyn Monroe-ing her boy.
So today I fucked up by wanting to look beautiful.
LavenderTownJpeg: > I can feel my bare ass completely visible to this girl and her boyfriend.
Were you not wearing any underwear??
candied_yams: I was wearing a g-string.
Medic_guy: G-string with a beautiful dress.
That's definitely upvote worthy.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1410830804 | 1410914908 | t3_2gin2e | t5_2to41 | 92 | MickIsCreative: TIFU by giving my GF money
I have been dating this girl for about 6 months we have only just started to have sex in the past 4 weeks. She has her own place and we both work bad shifts so she suggested a couple weeks ago that I stay at her place Monday and Tuesday nights because I have work these days and we can see each other at night.
So she cooks and I eat the food, I use her water, gas and electricity so its only fair that I give her some money for that. Last night was pretty intense, we stayed up for hours it was one of the best nights I have ever had. This morning I left her $50 with a note saying "Your Amazing, Your Perfect, Your Everything to me and I love you" (We always send each other little things like this).
So I left at around 3am and she gets up about 7am so I take my break at work at 7 to text her good morning but I see a text from her... It says "Screw you think you can just pay me to fuck you im not a whore we are done"...
Edit: I had told her that I would pay for food ect. The week before.
Edit: I tried to call and text her explaining what the money was for. Still nothing back.
TL;DR: Left money and a sweet note for my gf of 6 months she though I was paying her for sex.
Bees_kneess: text back: its not over until i say its done.
buy flowers
bite her ribs
pee all over her
mark your territory
jam flowers into her open wound
[deleted]: That is, seriously, the most fucked up remark I have ever read.
twotrailerpark-girls: This is harmless compared to what you could be seeing on the internet D:
[deleted]: In that I agree with you. I was more referring to the fact that, aside from being somewhat over-reactive, it is just plain bizarre.
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1410831164 | 1410836081 | t3_2ginpb | t5_2to41 | 498 | ThatGuyGetsIt: TIFU by driving a UHaul without closing the goddamned rear door. [Bonus video!]
This happened on Saturday (contrary to the date stamp on the dash cam video - I never bothered adjusting the date). I was helping a friend move and he had rented a 10' Uhaul truck and listed me as an additional driver. He gets anxiety driving in the rain, nevermind behind the wheel of a Uhaul truck, so I volunteered to drive it as I had no issues with anxiety.
He was going to drive my car since after this trip the truck was getting dropped off.
It hadn't been raining bad all day, but then there was this huge downpour out of nowhere while we were finishing up. "Throw me the keys man!! Hurry!" he shouted, frantically. I grabbed my keys and threw them to him and quickly jumped into the drivers seat of the UHaul to get out of the rain.
That basically explains the story right up to where the dashcam takes over, so I'll let the video take it from here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDBXknqqzUk
a_cool_goddamn_name: Psh. Josh left the door open and had his buddy film it for the karma.
If this is a true *Today* I Fucked Up, then OP's buddy's dashcam needs to have its date changed.
ThatGuyGetsIt: Your reading comprehension leaves a bit to be desired.
a_cool_goddamn_name: Hahaha I was just messing with you man.
I could hear the authenticity in the "NOOOO!! JOSH!".
ThatGuyGetsIt: Damnit, usually I'm pretty good at detecting sarcasm. Sorry!
a_cool_goddamn_name: I just did it to get a slight rise out of you for whatever reason. But I'm not really a full on troll or anything so I had to come clean.
I do appreciate you taking the time to share this with us. Even though it doesn't make the stuff less broken, it has touched lives throughout the world.
Makes all my fuck-ups look weak and unworthy of being shared.
| 6 | 83 | |
1410829805 | 1410907217 | t3_2gilff | t5_2to41 | 53 | Mcoov: TIFU a landing.
I am a flight student. Today, I messed up a landing so bad that I ended up off of the side of the runway, in the dirt. There was no damage to the airplane, its occupants, and surprisingly enough, to the airport infrastructure (I managed to thread around a taxi light), but it left me shaken, and my instructor pissed. I also closed a runway for 90 minutes, and shut down my flight school's operations for around two hours.
5unbr0: You should have said "oh boy I am never landing high ever again." Proceed to take a bottle of vodka (which you have replaced with water beforehand) and down it like a motherfucker.
Enjoy the respect you have newly acquired.
Elisimato: Sometimes I think reddit wants people to get in more trouble
5unbr0: Sometimes you need to give people stories to tell.
Elisimato: TIFU by listening to reddit
5unbr0: Today I got a great story
TIGAGS
Elisimato: This should be a subreddit
| 7 | 7.571429 | |
1410831587 | 1410833265 | t3_2gioh6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Wichita-: TIFU by spoiling a middle school girl's surprise birthday party.
When I went into work today (I work at a pizza/sports bar), I was told that there was to be a large party of people in the party room by 6pm. So by 5pm, many of the guests begin to show up. After about 15 people, I just started asking, "Here for the party?" As they approached the hostess stand. Around 6pm, two middle school girls come in by themselves, so naturally, I say, "Are you two here for the party? Everyone is already in the party room". They didn't say anything, just walked towards the room. I didn't think anything of it, because they were middle schoolers, and probably not that talkative around a high schooler (me). As they're walking away, I notice how quiet it has gotten, only to realize what I've done as I hear, "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!".
Later that night I noticed that the parents had even taped wrapping paper all over the party room window so their daughter wouldn't see them as she was coming in.
So yeah, I fucked up.
gored_matador: If nobody bothered to tell the front of the house that it was a surprise party, that's really not your fault. You were doing your job and herding people in.
Also, thank you for posting a story that doesn't begin with "this actually happened 8 years ago" or whatever.
Wichita-: But it's like I could *feel* the moment when her mom asked, "Did we surprise you?" Only for her to be let down.
gored_matador: True, and I totally understand feeling bad about it, even if you didn't mean to tip her off. But, if someone is planning a surprise party and doesn't tell *everyone* what's going on ahead of time so they're all on the same page, then they screwed up, not you.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1410832463 | 1410969106 | t3_2gipwr | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by surprise visiting my new girl at her place of employment.
My new girlfriend worked at a fish restaurant outside of Takoma Park, in Maryland. The place was like a prison...customers walked up to a sliding bullet-proof glass window and ordered their food, which was prepared and brought to the same window. High security deal.
I was going out with my girlfriend for a few months. I'd visited her place of employment once before, so I knew where it was. I decided to be cute and pay a surprise visit, to take her out for a dessert after her long shift. I waited in my car, reading a magazine.
I parked my car in the back lot, next to hers and waited.
Time came for the end of the shift. I saw her stick her head out, then bring it back in. She did that twice. I thought she forgot her keys. So I went back to reading my magazine while I waited.
All of a sudden I heard someone yell, "Freeze asshole!" I looked up and saw a man with a shotgun pointed straight at my head. I am not ashamed to say I pissed my pants straight-away. "What are you doing here?!?!?!?!" "I'M WAITING FOR MY GIRLFRIEND LUVINMCLOVIN'S GIRLFRIEND!" I said, frantically.
You are LUVINMCLOVIN'S GIRLFRIEND's boyfriend? He asked. YES YES YES I said. He lowered the shotgun and walked back across the parking lot to the restaurant.
A minute later, my girlfriend came running across the parking lot. It was then a remembered I also wanted to show her my new car.
EDIT: TaKoma park EDIT 2: As shotgun isn't a rifle.
op_is_fag_AMA: Sounds more like Tacoma, washington
LuvinMclovin: I was outside TaKoma Park (don't want to slur Takoma park). I guess there was lots of crime, or maybe the owner was paranoid. I found out he had a shotgun!
OutOfMoneyError: Maybe some background on the crime condition in Takoma park is needed here, because I could not comprehend the action of the owner, or the concept that a restaurant needing bullet-proof glass window.
pj134: You mean like most burger kings in cities? http://i.imgur.com/xHcp5Pb.jpg
TrickyXT: LOL. Most Burger Kings? Only if you live in Detroit or some other top notch city like that. You don't need body armor at any BK near me..
pj134: Parts of non Manhattan NYC, from everywhere from Jersey City to Camden and we'll probably get to add AC to that list soon enough, West Philly, North Philly and Baltimore (They seem to love their bulletproof glass in Baltimore) have had them that I experienced at some point in my life. This picture is from an LA one, so there are probably locations that have them in between. Sorry that many parts of the country aren't all that idyllic.
| 7 | 10 | |
1410832222 | 1410835246 | t3_2gipio | t5_2to41 | 5 | Desiredflunky60: TIFU by telling my friends that my girlfriend wasn't my girlfriend..
So today I was at school nothing special hanging out with my friends in the front, when my girlfriend walks up and is talking to me and I just keep nodding my head and looking down at my phone while all my friends are just waiting for her to go away (Keep in mind my friends don't know we are dating) anyway she tells me that she is leaving and so we hug and she walks away. Not 10 seconds later did one of my friends walk up and say is that your girlfriend? Me not knowing that she actually stopped and turned around to hear my response said no, which was followed by my friends comment "good, cause she was ugly as fuck", and I responded ikr and we started laughing... She poked my shoulder and I turned around to see her with tears in her eyes and makeup fucked up, my eyes widened and said we were just kidding and went to huge me when she pushed me and proceed to run away. Me being the genius that I am decided to text her saying "we were just joking babe(:" which was soon responded with, " I've been fucking my x the whole time".... Yeah today I fucked up pretty badly.
drysider: No wonder she was sleeping with her X, you sound like a charmer.
Desiredflunky60: I'm dying xD
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410835295 | 1410835938 | t3_2giuj5 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by meeting a girl at Starbucks, assuming it was a date, and ending up giving her advice on how to deal with her "insensitive" boyfriend.
I used to go to school with this girl. We knew each other, but weren't really close. I've known her for years, though. Facebook told me it was her birthday today, and like always, I message her and say "Hey, happy birthday!" (Yes, I message people to say "happy birthday", it makes me feel like I did more than the people who just post. It's the little things...)
We started talking. She was actually on her way home from school at the moment and her commute would take her past the area where I live. She then suggested she stops by and we go to Starbucks or something. It kinda shocked me, since we never really had a long conversation before. She seemed like she really wanted to, though, and who am I to turn down a meeting like this? So, I clean myself up a bit (like a gentleman...) and bike to the Starbucks we would be meeting at.
I get there, we hug (we were close, but not really close. close enough to hug), and we buy some beverages. (I, a hot chocolate, and she, some random cold drink. I don't know what it is, this is literally my first time buying something in a Starbucks. Tim Hortons anyone?)
We go to the back of the place and find some comfortable chairs to sit in. We talk a bit about how life's been. School, work, memories, all that stuff. Then she says, "So I need your advice on something" (I get excited now, because like the prideful jerk I am, I love bestowing my knowledge on lesser minds). "Sure, what is it??"
"Well, it's about my boyfriend... see, he's a year younger than me, and he's gone to a school that's one hour away and I just think that..."
...so... apparently, she just wanted a friend to talk to.
And guess what!
I actually sat there and listened, and gave what I would consider sound advice. We talked for a few hours. It made her seem like a real person to me. Before, she was just a face, but now, she's a human being, with feelings and problems of her own. I kinda felt like JD in that episode of Scrubs where he decides to just be friends with Elliot (I didn't tell her that though). It turns out, just being friends is not as bad as it sounds.
But still.... TIFU.
Diztruxion: OP, have you tried to dark roast from Tim's yet? I play a game, where the only time I order it is when they ask me if I want it. I never know what kind of coffee to expect!
complexor: I actually never got hooked on coffee. I drink water more than anything.
Tap water.
Usually filtered.
I'm uninteresting.
profoundWHALE: That's the way to go!
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410836093 | 1410909770 | t3_2givs2 | t5_2to41 | 19 | inevitabled34th: TIFU by turning away the greatest, most amazing girl I've ever met in my entire life
Heads up: this going to be a long one.
So I got back into online dating a few weeks ago, using Tinder and OKCupid. I know Tinder is the straight people's Grinder, but I don't fuck everyone I meet, so I like to think of Tinder as my less-effort OKCupid. I met a few girls, but all of them flaked on me the day before we were supposed to go out for coffee or food or whatever. Not to mention that they all just stop returning my texts. Which to me is the international sign of I'm not interested. I get that.
Well about five days ago I met this absolutely wonderful girl named Anna (fake name, obviously). Anna was (still is in my eyes) the most amazing girl I've ever met. More amazing than my ex who I was engaged to. She loved Star Wars just like I do. I even opened up our conversation by asking her what her favorite SW movie was. It was Jedi (awesome girl already). So we get to talking and texting and skyping and she has the most wonderful personality in any girl I've ever met. She's also super cute and short (I LOVE short girls), she has a fit body, loves God, and just has a wonderful outlook on life. I was like, "This is it. This is my soulmate." We texted every day and I don't think there was a period of more than 2-3 hours that we weren't talking about something. Then I asked her out and she was super excited. After trying to figure out where we were going to go, she suggested I come over to her house and watch movies with her. ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING!?!? That was greatest thing I'd ever heard!!! "I get to be in the vicinity of a magnificently beautiful girl who is also interested in me and I get to watch movies with her? Hell yeah!!!!" I was so excited and everyday I told her how excited I was for Saturday to come and she would tell me how excited she was to meet me. I was ecstatic and my depression was no where to be found.
This is where the fuck-up happened. But first, some backstory. My ex was a horrible person who treated me like shit and emotionally and psychologically abused me to the point that I wanted to kill myself. But it was in a way that I was depressed with or without her. Not to mention the mental problems that she had to deal with (eating disorder, no self-worth, tons of bullshit that she shouldn't have had to go through). One of the things my ex did was whenever we had plans, instead of canceling like a normal person and calling or texting, she would just ignore me until the day after our date. Only to follow up with, "I'm sorry, I had blah blah blah to do/going on/come up." I don't know why I stayed with her for a year and a half, so don't ask me. So you can guess that I have trust issues.
Anyways, back to the story. So this past Friday I was supposed to work, but I took my pill without water that morning and it fucked up my esophagus so I had to leave 20 minutes into work to go to Care Now. And the doctor told me not to go back to work because my throat could flare back up and the last thing I want is to be hauled off by ambulance at work.. So I had the day off. So I did what I normally did, texted Anna. No response. Now remember, at this point it's the day before our movie date. No biggie, she's not my ex. I waited 40 minutes, texted her "hey :)" again. She checked in periodically. So this goes back and forth until about 7:30 where I said "hey" a bunch of times to get her attention. And then she texts me. And my heart drills a hole into my chest. She tells me that I'm texting her too much and that I can't do that because she just got out of a controlling relationship and doesn't want that again. And I did what anybody in my situation who honestly wasn't trying to be anything but friendly would do: I apologized my ass off. I apologized for being annoying. I said I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to text with her because it made me happy and she made me happy. It's now Monday and I've received 3 texts from her since the text that brought my depression back. I, not my ex, I made the only girl that I've actually felt that 100% "this is my soulmate" connection with turn away from me and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't even want to get by anymore. I just want to crawl up in an emotionally depressed ball and just exist for a week.
I don't know if she uses Reddit because I never got to ask her, but if you're reading this Anna, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was an ass and didn't give you any personal space. My ex ruined my trust issues and I assumed you would be just like my ex, but you aren't her, you're Anna. And I'm sorry. Please forgive me!! I'll never do anything like that ever again. Please give me another chance!!!
Thank you for your time.
Tl;dr: Met my soulmate on OKCupid, turned her away from my incessant texting.
[deleted]: I think that you are putting a lot of pressure on a girl by tagging her as a soul mate in such a short time. This is something deep that takes time to develop. You are coming on too strong, too fast...and you suffered the consequences. Patience, young paduwan..
inevitabled34th: Padiwan, but I get what you're saying. Thanks :]
[deleted]: Actually, if we are being spelling stormtroopers, it's 'padawan'...you're welcome.
inevitabled34th: Depends on your source... Let's just leave it at that.
CaptainWobbles: It's padawan.
inevitabled34th: Not the books I've read
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1410836745 | 1410841013 | t3_2giwst | t5_2to41 | 6 | applesandatoms: TIFU by not arguing with psychiatrists.
“I don’t think I’m mentally ill.”
The sentence churns out of my mouth like warm honey, and feels almost as disgusting. I’ve been holding it in for a while in this last stint, but today I let my therapist take it in slowly. He is one in a line of about ten to fifteen therapists who have heard this sentence from me. I say it every time I work up the courage, but never outside of a clinician's office, until now. I explain to him that yes, sometimes I feel sad, other times happy. And perhaps my emotional response is different from that of others… as best I can remember, at least.
“Definitely, I was a bit of a mess when I first came into contact with mental health professionals, but you have to keep in mind that I hadn’t been sober for the previous… maybe two years. And now, I don’t have any clear idea of what my baseline of functionality is, because it has been fourteen years since I have been drug-free (alcohol, street drugs, or pharmaceuticals), and consider it for a second: if I actually were not mentally ill, and this pill wasn’t really doing anything except long-term harm (and making me feel like a forgetful, though contented, wet towel most of the time), nobody would really be able to tell any difference.”
My therapist looks at me and smiles. He presents his opinion of what is sometimes inappropriately referred to as mental illness (there are, after all, appropriate applications of the term). He says that it can be brought on (or at least, exacerbated) by the way our society is set up. From a young age, we are trained in schools and elsewhere to be “strapped to a machine,” in a sense, which just isn’t a natural state.
“Think of a terrier,” he says, “if you keep a terrier in a kennel all the time, it will likely get fed up and start acting crazy. But, if the same terrier is allowed to be outside a good amount, and to get exercise and run freely in the yard and beyond, it will likely be pretty well balanced and healthy.”
I try to feed the metaphor back to him, in another form. “So, what you’re saying is basically, it’s like we’re raised on cola instead of drinking water. Then, we get diabetes, and take pills to regulate it, but we’re still just drinking cola all the time, and our health is getting progressively worse.”
“Basically,” he says, “the trouble is that it’s harder and harder to find sources of liquid other than cola.”
The very notion of NOT being mentally ill has become terrifying and guilt-inducing for me, and somewhat devastating and upsetting to think about. For some of those I know, who have supported me through a lot of struggle and difficulty, even the possibility is out of the question. My job is based on the idea that I am not only mentally ill, but have achieved a state of recovery, within the paradigm of mental illness, that allows me to lend a hand, as someone who has “been there,” to those who don’t feel like there is any hope for their lives. The thought of not being mentally ill – or not having been mentally ill – with what’s been built in mind, makes me feel at once disgusted with myself, desperately sad that I had remained so tangled in the mental health care system for so long, and completely exhausted from the ordeal of repeatedly asserting “I don’t think I’m mentally ill,” only to allow myself to be argued down and re-medicated.
My therapist and I then talk for a little while about Ray Bradbury’s book, Fahrenheit 451, and the underground railroad that existed prior to and around the time of the civil war. By the end of our appointment, he’s talked me down from the anxious notion that I have just been living a lie for the last ten years or so of my life (as my other doctors and therapists have done, using an incrementally greater number of YEARS as time goes on). He encourages me to make the changes I think I need to make, but not to make any rash decisions. It makes me feel somewhat better to have talked about it, and I am starting to hope that I might actually be able to move towards a life I believe in, something closer to where I was originally headed.
I can’t help but puzzle over the truth of it. If I doubt the validity of a diagnosis, what are the chances that the doubt is truth, trying quietly and calmly to make itself heard? Perhaps you believe it is the other way around, but either way you slice it, I’ve gotten myself deeply entrenched in a system that grows economically by keeping me that way. Until I got a chance to step away from my life as it was for a couple of weeks, and then try and step back in, I experienced something like writer’s block—life block—a crisis of conscience and inability to continue that more or less forced me to begin exploring what has been happening, and what my part in it has been. I have come to realize that, over the years, I had gradually come to believe that I was wrong about myself: that I was mentally ill, and needed psychiatric and therapeutic care to function... when in fact I all I had been feeling was a general sense of apathy, hopelessness, and discontentment, that was mistaken for a psychological and/or nervous disorder. I haven’t been able to say it until now, mainly because of shame, fear, and a lack of confidence that has been corrupted into a lifestyle.
No one will probably ever know the objective facts of the past; I may never be able to prove that when I was initially diagnosed, I was just extremely intoxicated on a long-term basis. Consider the possibility that the ensuing symptoms and shifting diagnoses were actually side-effects of psychiatric medications prescribed to treat what started out as the after-effects of experiments in hallucinogenic drugs, and in the end became a chain of shifting symptoms and diagnoses. Yet somehow, engaging in the vulnerability of the honest conversation lifts my spirits, as setting this truth on the table allows for a better sense of perspective, and a closer look at what the next steps might be.
The raw fact is that I have been living a life that better accommodates peace of mind among those concerned about my level of comfort and ability to contribute to society. I no longer believe that it actually helps anyone to further alter my experience, ingesting chemicals to be a functional member of the human race. I also believe that I have some changes to make if I am to be able to look myself in the mirror, confident that I have at every turn made a decision based on what I truly believe.
And it starts here.
My confession is that I submitted to the diagnoses because it was easier than arguing with psychiatrists.
I didn’t consider that an agreement to disagree could be reached, but instead gave myself over to the assertions of people who didn’t know the whole story. I then began to force myself into an ideology of mental illness, long before I was convinced that the pills I was taking for my condition were necessary. Each pill I took, in retrospect, is the next in a chain of dominoes devastating my life and dreams, with no real grand finale, or even the promise of one.
It has been an uncomfortable and life-taking cascade of self-sabotage that has lasted for TEN YEARS.
At one point in time, before all this started, I wanted to speak out, to be an activist in the realm of the issues the plague our general well-being and sense of equality as a race. Now, I don’t even really know what the issues are beyond my own life, as there have come to be so many. I was beaten down and objectified, either by myself or by a series of disinterested medical professionals, or both, into the practice of marching without question into the skin of an equally or more disappointing self of tomorrow.
So gradual and deep was this violation of my agency that I also began to awkwardly and fruitlessly embrace the idea that as a Christian I’m not supposed to doubt or act against the dominant forces of the world in any way. In truth, I believe the absolute opposite. How could speaking out against injustice demonstrate a lack of faith?
At age 34 I am assessing fundamental questions that usually occur and are expressed during the initial years of adult life. Everything has been on hold while I immersed myself in the pursuit of forced harmony and the hope for some kind of perfect mental balancing act. I avoided argument and interpersonal conflict to such a degree that I wound up focusing intensely on stabilizing my mind and rationalizing living a life that reflects someone else’s beliefs.
So... what do I do now? I am swamped in hopeless debt, after half-heartedly pursuing a life that is ultimately both unsatisfying and unattainable for the last DECADE. In truth, I feel like I am completely uninterested and unable to take even one more step toward this force-fed dream of affluence and independence from anything and everything. And after spending so long burying myself impossibly in countless distraction and confusion, any alternative seems impossible to define, since the life in question—my life—feels shrouded in such a conglomeration of artifice.
However, let me be clear: I am grateful for the assistance of many a friend, therapist, and counselor in what have been dark and difficult times. It is only the resulting life of my own choices that I have become aware is unlivable. The conversations and relationships of close friends and family have helped me to develop on my strengths as an individual, and to see more clearly that which is important for an individual to focus on universally (such as compassion, love, and hope), whether at any given time (or for any given length of time) one’s life feels like their own or not. It is time, though, for me to own these choices and to be honest with my life and actions about what I believe, despite the opposition, whatever the cost.
Really, it’s no wonder I go through phases of sadness and happiness, seeing the world as it is today. Doesn’t any aware person? Injustice, oppression, inequality… the list goes on and is truly maddening. Trying to force myself into the formulaic rhythms of life within an abstract theory of political organization, ignoring the suffering and injustice that this organization not only allows, but at times helps to create, is this “life?”
In short, I think it is fair to say that, whether or not I could be considered mentally ill in some way (probably impossible to tell at this point), I have been more crippled by the mental health care system (if it is even organized enough to call a system) than by my initial "symptoms:"
• lack of motivation
• disorganized thinking
• periods of high energy and/or acting out of character
• periods of sadness, or low emotional affect
• delusional beliefs or beliefs that aren’t true
• inability to focus
tl;dr First-world problem: out of a weakness of character, general misunderstanding and probably uncountable other reasons, I submitted myself as a patient to the mental health care system of the United States, only to awaken from the mistake a decade later and pose absurd philosophical musings, and what seem like impossible questions, to the internet.
profoundWHALE: The psychiatrist is right though, at the start of your story, he talked about getting out of the cage right? Have you ever tried to train a dog? A dog that is always in a cage and let out will never want to come back, but usually has to, and progressively gets worse and worse.
applesandatoms: sorry, yes. I haven't cleaned up this story as much as I'd like... at the beginning it's a therapist I'm talking to, and who I do agree with. The psychiatrist never appears in the story except as the ... well, missing-from-the-narrative diagnose-er. forgive the disarray, I'm still recovering :)
profoundWHALE: Well I can only wish you luck with your financial matters. I'm not in debt, never have been, but I feel like life is a drag and I'm not really moving far forward.
I also recognize that this isn't a good way to look at life which means I need a change. In my case, I'm going to have to start reconnecting with friends and people outside of the workplace, but I'm procrastinating right now.
Also I should note: I have basically the same symptoms. Exercise should help and I was motivated for a while but then...
I realized that while I'm pretty introverted, I still feed off of other people's enthusiasm and encouragement. They make me smile and that's usually enough. Also in my case, I love games. Problem is that when I was younger games were easy to set up and go. But now you get all stinky and people have to schedule things. There's almost no time for any of this stuff in an average day.
applesandatoms: It's true, and it's hard to know what's important. Fortunately for me I have some resources financially, but they won't last terribly long (maybe a few months?). However, as I am drawn out, I feel the possibility to live up to the expectation I had set for myself before all of this happened re-emerging.
Glad to have somewhat of a grace period, though (we'll call it a decade or so ;) ) Games were a platform for me for a long time, too. Helps to interact without being unnecessarily vulnerable.
profoundWHALE: Everyone needs a break, that's for sure :)
And in all reality I know that I am moving forward. I just hate working 8+ hours everyday with the hope that one day I'll get to the point where I'll never have to work so long anymore.
Have a good night okay?
| 6 | 1 | |
1410837434 | 1410855027 | t3_2gixvt | t5_2to41 | 1 | damonsoon: Tifu by assuming my freinds mom was chill
Background info: I'm good friends with this family and his mom treats me nicely and likes me (I think).
I was going to my friends house after school today, and he called his mom to let her know, but she didn't answer so he told his dad, who was cool with it. We had to catch a bus right away, so we figured we'd get to his house then let his mom know when she returned his call. His mom was out, and finally half an hour later his mom returns the call and my friend tells her he's having me and one other buddy over. She says alright whatever. A minute after he hangs up the phone with his mom he gets a call from her again, and he says "hello"
She starts yelling (the volume was loud so I could hear) "DO YOU KNOW OUR SON IS HAVING FREINDS OVER AND HE DIDNT EVEN ASK ME FIRST! WE HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD TALKING WITH HIM WHEN WE GET HOME"
My friend replies "mom this is [insert friend's name]"
She's like "oh..." Then hangs up
VaalbaraMC: Everyone who uses the word "chill" deserves to be beaten.
[deleted]: Everyone who thinks violence is the answer should be beaten.
VaalbaraMC: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Islam
banyt: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigotry
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Bigotry**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigotry): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Bigotry__ is a state of mind where a person holds stubborn and complete views regarding other groups with fear, distrust, [prejudice](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prejudice) or hatred solely on the basis of [ethnicity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethnicity), [race](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Race_(human_classification\)), [religion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion), [national origin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_origin), [gender](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender), [disability](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disability), [sexual orientation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_orientation), [socioeconomic status](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socioeconomic_status), or other group characteristics.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Prejudice](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prejudice) ^| [^Anti-abolitionist ^riots ^\(1834)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-abolitionist_riots_\(1834\)) ^| [^Religious ^persecution](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_persecution) ^| [^Racism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racism)
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| 6 | 0.166667 | |
1410837690 | 1410844544 | t3_2giyc5 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU being seduced by low prices.
I stupidly bought an adobe software package for cheap (75% off retail value) on a seemingly legit online hardware/software business.
It wasn't legit.
$900 charge on my credit card I can't revoke.
I'm now one of those fuck-ups I thought I'd never be.
SuperFreakonomics: It costs $900 with 75% off? Wow. TIL
a_million_bunnies: Uhhhh. The $900 charge is because his credit card info was stolen and charged with something expensive. Software packages are like $20-70/month.
SuperFreakonomics: Well, don't I feel dumb.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1410836951 | 1410838834 | t3_2gix3x | t5_2to41 | 6 | brasize32G: TIFU by not being careful.
My phone is at 15% battery and I went to plug it in and I guess I was in a rush this morning cause my charger looks like this now.
http://imgur.com/gecArFg
Oh, and to top it all off it's 10 at night and I have to be at work at 7 am. Looks like defenseless female me is going to have to walk to the corner store in the dark alone in order to make it to work on time tomorrow. Fun.
samesies: PUT ON YOUR SCARY EYES
brasize32G: I don't have scary eyes. D':
samesies: BORROW THEM FROM FRIENDS OR FAMILY
brasize32G: If my friends or family were available right now I wouldn't hae had to walk alone in the dark.
samesies: BUY THEM AT THE STORE
| 6 | 1 | |
1410838317 | 1410942734 | t3_2gizhl | t5_2to41 | 25 | Dzioch: TIFU by being to damn horny...
This happened a year ago and, whilst it was potentially the worst incident in my life, it's pretty funny. Me and my girlfriend of 3 years were waiting for her mom to come and visit. Now a bit of back story. My girlfriend and I have known each other since we were born, quite literally. Our mothers are best friends, we were born on the same day, we practically did everything together. We knew each others' moms like we knew our own mom. And her mom was always late. She said she would be there around 2.00 p.m. At this point it's about 1.45 and the boner of all boners struck. After a bit of pleading she agrees to you know... sucky sucky. And well we're going at it, and HER MOM DECIDES TO ENTER OUR HOUSE QUIETLY TO SNEAK UP IN US ACTUALLY ON TIME in an attempt to present us with both of our families in tow. All of a sudden i look towards the door, and her mother is looking at me with horror. I practically just said shit, and my girlfriend looks up and i say hey Stacey... SHE BIT DOWN IN SHOCK. Now at this point I'm bleeding like Viagra Falls. (Get it) A hospital trip later ind 3 stitches, and well yea, it's fine.
My girl have me head and her mother walked in and she bit down and I needed stitches.
Edit: Our relationship is still going strong and we all joke about it, including my mother! Still embarrassing though!
easilypersuadedsquid: 3 stitches ... goddam
Dzioch: God Damn doesn't even describe it!
britfaic: Flying spagetti monster in the sky damn?
Dzioch: Sounds crazy enough to be plausible
| 5 | 5 | |
1410839075 | 1410967061 | t3_2gj0ok | t5_2to41 | 15 | brandonsousa0508: TIFU by going through my girlfriends phone.
Pretext: I'm 27, she's 19. Had been together for 9 months, and living together for the past 7 (no real issues between us other than this).
She's been acting not herself from the beginning of August, just small things. Pushing me away when I'd try to hold her hand or put my arm around her. Little to no sex(not a big deal just something I noticed). And always on her phone.
The other night she was pressuring me to go out with a friend. I had mentioned I might want to go out with him but decided to stay home. She brought up the fact that I hadn't hung out with my friends in a while and should go out because she was going out with a longtime girlfriend. So I went out, had fun with my boy and was walking home. I called her three times and no answer, so I drunkenly walked the 10-12 blocks home. I arrived at 1030, she didn't come home until 12.
We quickly went to sleep. I was just laying there thinking about things as I had been all month. I got the idea to go into her phone. It's not something I'm proud of, I respect privacy. But I felt like I talked to her, and her reasons just didn't seem to add up. When I checked the call log, the moment she had dropped me off at my friends house, she called this other guy. Someone she had mentioned once or twice, but never hung out with in our time together. I also noticed there was no phone calls or texts to or from her girlfriend.
I instantly woke her up, and had a discussion which consisted of her not being able to explain why there were no communications between her and her girlfriend. Her reason behind calling the man in question was to discuss with him, problems that we had in our relationship.
Without making this post longer than it is. I don't have any family to fall back on, and I had ran out of cash about August 12th (I lost my job on july 24, got another job a week ago). So I don't have a place to go or money for an apartment just yet. Now I sleep on the couch and have to live awkwardly together until I can save enough to move out.
TL;DR Went through my girlfriends phone, found she called a dude when she said she was with a girlfriend. She broke up with me, but we live together so now I live with my ex-girlfriend.
zdrxftcgyvhubjinkoml: > I respect privacy.
That is an outright lie.
Xof34k: Might get some hate for it but you seem to not have been in a similar situation. It is the pits to be in that situation. Constantly wondering whats up, being so invested and knowing deep down your partner isn't.
Its a shit move no doubt, but sometimes its the best move you got. The ol' "drastic actions get drastic results" comes into play
Good luck bro! I've been there and bounced. It was unbearably hard but you got this!
brandonsousa0508: Thank you X. That's been my mindset since everything started happening. Since I've been sleeping on the couch, she's been going out every night, staying out until 1-2am and when she's here, she's forever on her phone. I know that kind of thinking put me here in the first place and I shouldn't care but I stop myself.
Xof34k: It ain't easy brother, its a shit place youre in because it'll bother you until youre out of their. Dont let anyone shame you for looking in the phone. You know it was a bad move but the necessary thing to do. Try your best not to stay in too much, get out with the guys, even if its just for an hour at a time. Any little bit helps.
brandonsousa0508: Thanks X, you're exactly right. Advice like that, I now consider you a friend lol.
Xof34k: We'll always be friends b!
brandonsousa0508: They killed Killa b
| 8 | 1.875 | |
1410837047 | 1410841611 | t3_2gix9b | t5_2to41 | 8 | MrWeebl: Why is the T in TIFU so important to everyone in this sub?
I know the T stands for today so the fuck up should probably have happened today, but what's the big deal if it happened yesterday or years ago? The only problem I see with a fuck up not happening today would be that the post would not be as well written. If this was the case OP should receive grief for lack of details, not for the date of the fuck up.
BadSpellingAdvice: I rarely see anyone give a shit about whether something happened today or not.
The ones that do get shut down pretty quickly, it's in the rules.
MrWeebl: I actually did not know that :D thanks for the info
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410840240 | 1410935063 | t3_2gj2fx | t5_2to41 | 1,670 | [deleted]: TIFU I got a vibrator stuck up my butt [NSFW]
So my lady and I were discussing some sexual things we'd like to try iin the future, and we mentioned getting a strap on and trying anal (we're both female). We both enjoyed it by ourselves, and we were looking to share it with each other.
So I s masturbating with the vibrator, and fantasizing about trying anal with her was really turning me on, so I turned over and slipped it in the rear entrance. However, I had some lube on my hand, so I ended up losing control, at which point it got lost.
I tried pushing it out, but the end (with the speed control) was too big. This is why you can't always push an object out when it gets stuck. The inner sphincter can only dilate so far.
It's actually not too bad having a stick stuck up your ass - at least, if I can extrapolate from an eight inch vibrating dildo.
I realized that I just had to be honest about what happened. So I looked the triage nurse in the eye, and I told her that I had a vibrator stuck up my butt. She nodded encouragingly, and I went into the ER.
The first doctor just used his fingers, except that he only used a tiny packet of lube (fun fact: surgical lube comes in these little ketchup packet things) for all three chubby, fat fingers that he shoved in there.
The second doctor used something called a proctoscope to put a large pair of forceps up there. She kept turning it off and on, but couldn't get enough of a grip to remove it.
After that, she tried using a catheter to pull it out. The problem was that the vibrator's tip was so smooth that the balloon wouldn't catch on it.
They ended up taking me to the OR and putting me under, since I didn't 'tolerate' the largest sizes of proctoscopes well. The worst case scenario was that they'd have to cut the stomach open, and squeeze the outside of my colon to force it out. There was also a chance I might have needed a temporary colostomy.
Fortunately, none of that was necessary. The procedure only took about half an hour. I was admitted until noon, just to recover from the anesthetic.
The bill came when my dad was on vacation, so he ended up opening it. Fortunately, it was just the ER stuff. I told him I had a 'lady problem' and he didn't ask anything more than that. I told my mom, though, and we laughed over a bottle of wine.
It ended up costing about $900.
I guess you could say it was a real...
*sunglasses*
Pain in the ass.
Mimos: "What's wrong?"
"I can't tell you. I can only show you. Put your hand on my ass...
Feel that? Yeah, that's not me doing that."
telepaper: "Put your hands down my pants and I bet you'll feel nuts"
Whosethetank: You had enough of two hand touch. You like it rough your out of bounds
generic_brand_cola: I want you smothered, want you covered like my waffle house hash browns
Mysterious_Andy: Comin' quicker than FedEx.
Never reach an apex.
Just like /u/generic_brand_cola stock you are inclined…
some_creep: To make me rise an hour early just like daylight savings time
mintlydisturbed: Do it now.
i_pk_pjers_i: You and me baby, ain't nothin' but mammals.
Wiiplay123: So let's do it like they do on the discovery channel.
Hidanas: Do it again now.
neovidas: C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER
| 12 | 139.166667 | |
1410840275 | 1410845044 | t3_2gj2hh | t5_2to41 | 1 | determinedforce: TIFU by jacking it with the TV on. [NSFW]
I always have the TV on. When I get in the "mood", I turn it up so not to be heard squeezing one out. This particular day, I get in the mood so I go to one of my favorite porn sites, find a porn, get it started, and fast forward to the "good" part. Just as I get going, the show that was on was a western and lo and behold I'm looking up at one of the characters who was a nun. Second time this has happened. I looked back to the porn and finished off. As I'm getting up to wash my hands, I realize at some point during the night or day, a magazine I had with the front cover of the Pope had fell onto the floor and was facing right at me also! I couldn't see it before cuz it had slid off the foot of my bed the night before and I sit with my legs propped up on an ottoman usually. I'm not a religious guy, but I do read about religion. Still, to have the nun and the Pope watching me? Not cool.
EDIT: Enough with the "that's not really a fuck up". I've read plenty I thought weren't either. But I just read them, laughed, and went about my business without giving my 2 cents on how I thought they weren't fuck ups.
GSX-Rob: If you're old enough to beat off, the pope is no threat to you
determinedforce: Gee thanks. I didn't know that.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1410840330 | 1410875203 | t3_2gj2ke | t5_2to41 | 66 | akas3006: TIFU by wanting to learn Japanese.
I only realized it today, but apparently it's been going on for two or three weeks already. I've been using a program as a refresher course in Japanese. One of the cool things (and the main reason I chose it) is that there is an add-on to the program which allows websites to displayed learned vocab/kanji in Japanese. Basically, the English text is replaced by the vocab that you've already learned. See example: http://imgur.com/As8JYlQ
The one major flaw with the program is that it's dumb (no machine learning/context). So, for example, if you were to say "I may be interested" and had learned the vocab for the month of may, it would use that instead of the correct word.
I could (and did) ignore that until I found out my fuckup today. I had gotten so used to seeing this kanji/vocab pop up everywhere that I hadn't realized something important: when you set this add-on to automatically load, IT CHANGES THE ACTUAL WORDING IN TEXT BOXES. So for things like e-mails, what you see when you're sending an e-mail is ACTUALLY WHAT IS SENT.
So for the past two weeks, I've been posting messages and sending e-mails with random kanji to many important people. These include employers, classmates, department heads, professors, and governmental employees. Worse yet is that the sentences don't even make sense to a Japanese person because the program is dumb.
Instead of learning Japanese, I now appear like I'm an idiot otaku that is purposefully misusing Japanese randomly in his e-mails.
OutOfMoneyError: From the image, it looked like you learned the kanji for "in" , "up", and "today". Good progress :P
As long as the percentage of random kanji is at a minimal, they may think it's an encoding issue with their browser.
sxeQ: I think I also saw the kanji for 'before'.
| 3 | 22 | |
1410841176 | 1410842020 | t3_2gj3s0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | howverycleverofyou: TIFU making my husband falafel.
So. Falafel is a favorite of mine, as a vegetarian, when I'm feeling a little like deviating from my normally strict no-fried-food regimen. My husband also enjoys it, so it's win-win.
Except for tonight.
I made the falafel, no issues. But while I was making his wraps, I decided it was a good idea to put the little jar of chili sauce on the edge of the sink. I went to grab a couple little patties from the pan, and as I turned around, elbowed the jar of chili sauce, tried to catch it mid air, and splattered it all over the ceiling, the rug, and somehow straight into my face. While experiencing what I can only describe as lava in my eye, I screamed,"oh fuuuuuck!"
My husband, being the loving individual he is, turned and saw only red substance EVERYWHERE. He immediately thought I was bleeding out and ran to the kitchen to help, only to find everything covered in chili sauce. My eye still hurts, parts of my face are still aflame, and my rug looks like a crime scene.
Tl;dr: made falafel, elbowed a jar of hot sauce into my eye, husband thought I was dying. Still had falafel, still tasty.
aussieguy_01: damm waste of good chilli!...lol...I'm vego and like falafel also, and a chilli freak - we grow our own..:)...better luck next time with the chilli!..:)...
Heinous_Jay: This drives me crazy. Why are you being devoted? Maybe some people didn't like your liberal use of periods. Anyway, have an upvote sir.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1410841141 | 1410848204 | t3_2gj3q9 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my sister a minecraft account.
Hello all.
My sister, watched me play minecraft for a long time, and wanted to get her own username account. I found a friend that gave me one for free.
She has been playing for a long time, and had a skype to talk with her friends and stuff.
Well, lo and behold, some people messaged her that they want nudes, and if not, they were going to send pizzas and swat us. Then they posted an address I assume they got from our ip that is relatively close to us.
No clue what to do, and will post a follow up. If I don't, assume I died.
OP will commit.
Edit: Hello all.
Nothing has happened yet, It appears that they were trolls, and I blocked everyone on my sisters skype account in question. I may engage a conversation with the culprit, but am not sure about doing that. I think this case is solved, and will reedit if anything actually happens.
Ninshi: save the messages you're getting and just try to keep info on details regarding the messages
Proud_To_Be_A_Sperm: I blocked everyone on the skype in question, and changed the username to random digits, and also removed all connections to the skype.
Edit: I hate people that do this, and will now refer to them from now on as[.] (http://imgur.com/2sz3khN)
banyt: this is disturbing
do you have any details of theirs?
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1410842477 | 1410870695 | t3_2gj5j1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | evaneggnog: TIFU by calling the mentally challenged "retarded"
So this happened about three years ago when I was a senior in high school. I would like to preface this story by saying that I'm an asshole, but I'm not a shitty person (well I'd like to think) and I would never knowingly do what the title of this post suggests.
So senior me is in English class with a teacher that I really don't like too much, but she kisses the ground I walk on because I'm a part of her seniors only club and I volunteer quite a lot of them. So at my high school, like many others I have since been told, the mentally challenged students are....put to work I'd say. They have these students go around to all the classrooms with a big bin and pick up all the recycling on recycle day, but I guess I either never noticed this before or wasn't present on the day that everyone else was told this.
So I'm in class and my teacher hasn't put the recycling bucket out, which has happened quite a few times before, but due to my placement in the room I can't ever see who is at the door collecting it. So they come to pick the recycling up but it's not there. Teacher notices and proceeds to walk all the way to the back of the class to get the bin and then walk it back to the door, and put it back afterwards. Successfully ruining the class discussion which was pretty annoying. So me being the normal high school kid that I was says
"Why don't the retards just come get it?"
Now depending on your age or where you went to school you might just think I'm an awful person. But around me, and I think this is the case a lot of places, retarded is a **VERY** common word in schools.
Now here is where things get strange, class continues as usual and after class I head out to my last period. About five minutes into my last period I get called back to my English teachers class, being that she loved me I thought I'd be getting some sort of commendation or just helping her out. Quite the opposite, I show up to an enraged hormonal woman metaphorically breathing fire at me. She goes off about how inconsiderate and small minded I am for saying what I did (apparently someone had heard me and knew about the kids and told her they were offended). I let her scream at me then calmly explain my side of the story, and I can see her beginning to understand. Once I finish explaining she tells me that she can see where I'm coming from but that words are very hurtful no matter what. She proceeds to tell me that I have already been written up because she believed this person who told her what happened on the spot and there is nothing she can do about it.
So senior me is in about four different service and volunteering clubs and a leader around school, which apparently doesn't mean anything to administration. Get internal suspension for 3 days (which is basically just a white walled clock-less, reject filled hell), and get kicked out of all the clubs I was in. English teacher also continued to hold this against me and would always single me out in class for giving my opinion and other regular class tasks. Teacher was constantly out for "medical problems", found out two years later that she was trying to have a baby and had had a few consecutive miscarriages and when she freaked out on me (for about four months) was after losing the last (deff going to fuck up this grammar) invitro-fertilization baby.
TL;DR: High school senior me gets suspended and kicked out of all clubs for calling the mentally challenged kids getting the recycling retarded when I didn't know who was picking it up.
Spider8461: Yep, you definitely fucked up.
evaneggnog: Yeah....was not a good time, would not recommend
| 3 | 1 | |
1410842896 | 1410969604 | t3_2gj63z | t5_2to41 | 61 | gahdamn13: TIFU by showing up high to take my citizenship certificate picture.
I recently got my citizenship but a few months ago I went to get my picture taken to send to apply for my citizenship. However, beforehand I had finished smoking with a friend when my parents had called me to tell me we were doing this.
I showed up high as fuck and did my best to not look high. As the picture was about to be taken I thought of something funny and started to grin. Then the picture was taken and sent in.
My parents didn't notice how stoned I looked (then again the photographer made us all look like shit so I guess they didn't think much of it) so I didn't worry about it.
The day of my ceremony came and we were given our citizenship certificates. I'm clearly high in this picture. On top of that we were informed our pictures will now be in the immigrant citizenship database so our grandkids and other descendents can look back and see who in their family came to the U.S.
They're going to know their ancestor was a stoner.
Edit: Here's the picture.
http://imgur.com/OyYr0VW
gahdamn13: I'll be posting the picture in the morning. I gotta find it in our files and it's 1:24 A.M here.
expld: Please deliver OP
gahdamn13: I'll have to post it once I get back from class. I meant to do it this morning.
Zharikov: op pls
gahdamn13: I posted the picture. Link's in the story.
Zharikov: hahahaha damn yeah you're high as fuck
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1410843040 | 1410907553 | t3_2gj6cb | t5_2to41 | 72 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing a guys boxers.
Sooo...yes. Last night I had an unplanned sleepover with a guy I've been seening. Cut to 4am and I wake up having to pee badly and decide it's easier to just put on his shirt than my dress to cover myself for the trip to the bathroom. He has house mates, and as I run to the shy side I also opt to put on his boxers too - which I have hold with one hand to keep from falling off. I go to the bathroom and...do what I have to do...but then his boxers, being way to big have dropped right to the ground and in the dark I'm struggling to get my foot back into them as I stand up. I end up losing my balance, I reach out with a hand to steady myself but just find the towel bar that breaks off and end up doing a face plant into the end of the towel rack thing and then fall to the floor. It's enough of a crash that everyone in the house wakes up and runs in to find me. I managed to get up before anyone arrives but when they switch on the light everyone is screaming. I look in the mirror and I look like 'Carrie'. The white shirt is now mostly red and my nose is gushing blood like a fountain. In the end...lots of ice and no big deal, but everyone else was pretty freaked.
sticksofury989: OP, it seems like a fuck up now, but you will be laughing about this later. I laughed out loud! Thank you for sharing!
[deleted]: Hey thx! Glad you got a smile. : )
Other than the black eyes (I didn't know that happened from a bob on nose?) I'm pretty much laughing already. The housemate was almost hyperventilating and stuck in a verbal 'holyfuckholyfuck' loop for about 15 minutes - which has since become the focus of most of the teasing.
steezyvape: Black eyes are very common from injuries to the nose. I don't remember the technical reason for it, but they are.
doggiechewtoy: Blood moves down the sinuses.
steezyvape: There it is. I knew someone would either know it, or google it for me. Thank you.
Ah, the internet age, where you can be too lazy to open a new tab and google a thing because someone else will do it for you.
| 6 | 12 | |
1410843788 | 1410879489 | t3_2gj7bi | t5_2to41 | 14 | AutumnxRaine: TIFU by playing with a wax penis
Earlier today, I molded a 6 sided die out of the wax from BabyBel cheese. Since then, my roommate and I have been playing with the wax. I took the wax and made a bad attempt to mold a penis. He laughs, squishes it, then proceeds to make a better wax penis.
While he's molding, I make jokes like, "Oh yeah, mold it harder," and "You're great with the cock."
Afterwards, it was penis war. I tossed the wax penis at his mouth. He tossed it at my chest I tossed it at his ear. Then things got violent! He proceeds to roughly push the somewhat pointy wax penis into my arm and I let out a yelp of pain.
I'm in tears because he stabbed me pretty hard in a tender spot and I can feel the bruise forming. I try to scold him but every time I try I can't get out the words because I'm in between laughter and tears. Finally, I yell, "When did you think it would be a good idea to stab someone with a wax penis!?" We proceed to laugh, but I'm still upset so I yell, "Wax penises should not be used for violence!"
**TLDR:** Made a wax penis. Funny penis tossing game turns into me getting stabbed with a wax dick.
(edit: his rationale was that if he pushed the wax hard enough onto my arm that it would stick. It would have been funny, but it was not well thought out.)
dutchly: "A six-sided die". This is how I know you're a gamer. Normals call it a dice.
PerturbedPelican: Why would they call a single object by its plural term?
britfaic: ....Science?
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1410843944 | 1410892185 | t3_2gj7ic | t5_2to41 | 53 | therealcraig16: TIFU by misinterpreting a text
So I asked this girl to hang out but unfortunately she had made plans prior to me asking. We kept talking a bit more and eventually she found out that her plans were cancelled. We live very close by and its really easy for us to meet up. At this time it was already about 1:00 am and she texted me saying that she should probably going to sleep but she didn't want to (hinting I should come over) complete idiot one o'clock me replies with "goodnight". She then became confused and asked whether I was going to sleep. I replied with no and then the conversation ended.
Tl:Dr I misread a text inviting me over for a text saying that the person was going asleep
Sorry for bad English its not my native language
mystical_empath: You cockblocked yourself. No sympathy
Wolfie141: *You'll get no sympathy from me*
GenSec: Unless you are a friend that I fight for.
Wolfie141: If you are then you must *Prepare Yourself* for our friendship
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1410844164 | 1410848916 | t3_2gj7t1 | t5_2to41 | 29 | virginacc2: TIFU By being an inexperienced 24 y/o virgin [NSFW]
This actually happened [4 months ago](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/23tknp/virgin_here_is_this_smell_normal_for_a_woman/). And until now, I wasn't certain if all vaginas were like that or what.
But anyway, so I met this girl on Tinder, we start sexting pretty quickly - first red flag, or good sign depending what you're looking for. Obviously I'm 24, a virgin, I just want some ass. But apparently I got more than I bargained for. Due to health issues I'm on medical leave from college and living at home.
After about a week of s/texting we agree to meet up in person for some coffee, things go pretty well and we drive back to my place. As luck would have it the stars align and my mom wasn't going to be home when we get back. We were going to make some kind of blueberry coffee cake but instead just start making out in the kitchen. I eventually ask her if she wants to go upstairs, she agrees.
Right when I took off her pants I noticed a stronger smell than usual - that should have been my first clue. Since I had been in underwear with a girl before never noticed anything that strong.
Anyway she eventually ends up giving me a blowjob. And me being the over eager boy scout that I am I want to return the favor. I start going down on her. After about 15 seconds I have to stop and she notices my facial expression looks like I just ate a rotten berry. Without thinking I ask her: "Did you shower today?" She pushes my head away gets up and starts getting dressed while I go to the bathroom to start washing out my mouth.
**TL DR**; So 4 months ago I fucked up by agreeing to out a girl who either had a yeast infection or just a really stinky vagina.
Oh and now I have a GF, that's how I know something wasn't right downstairs.
colehock: this is strangely similar to my experience
virginacc2: Share?
colehock: met a girl through a friend, things progressed very quickly. I assumed it was normal thing, maybe it just took getting used to. but as i thought more and more it just seemed *to* strong of an oder/ taste. by the time i came to this conclusion we werent really talking anymore
virginacc2: But it wasn't so strong that it kept you from finishing? Did you go down on her or have or what?
colehock: For a very brief moment. it was kinda a "just fooling around moment"so it was pretty easy to not continue with out reveling an issue
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1410844124 | 1410845405 | t3_2gj7r3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | strmnorm: TIFU while being so sick im shaking.
While taking a very fluid number two, I had the urge to throw up. This warning gave me a 3.75 second chance to finish my buisness and assume the position.
I failed, not only did I shit myself on my own rug, but I also threw up so close to the water that it spashed back 1/2 watery poo and 1/2 bile and coca cola. That toxic mixture exploded in my face, and now I feel worse then ever.
Yeah , as of 10 minutes from this post I would say I fucked up pretty bad.
vickwill13: It's sad when you get so sick the toilet starts vomiting at you. Wait a spell for your stomach to ease and take a long hot shower.
strmnorm: Its been happening at nearly every 20minutes.
After the incident, I had recovered enough to roll into my tub.
vickwill13: I hope you work out your demons, mate.
| 4 | 3 | |
1410843393 | 1410852007 | t3_2gj6tg | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not telling a friend to avoid the Emergency Room.
He received a spider bite Wednesday. It was growing more red and bruising through the weekend, and he asked my opinion when he saw me and we both agreed he could ignore it (until he could arrange for a certain appointment with a professional friend next week.)
Tonight, after 8pm, someone convinced him to let them picture message the bite wound to two nurses. They, being medical professionals and not omniscient, robotic superbeings lacking empathy, erred on the side of caution and said he should go to the ER.
Being good friends, and me having seen it previously, he filled me in and asked me my opinion again, then sent me the newest pic. Not wanting to be contradictory with new perspective, I essentially offered him a begrudging, "There goes your paycheck this week."
2 hours later, after a quick consultation in which a physician who apparently *took a phone call* while still talking to him (see: non-emergency), an assistant physician walked out to him *in the lobby* and told him he basically had a Strep infection for which he could buy a $5 bottle of Cefalexin at a grocery store pharmacy.
$900 charge. Make that two paychecks. (He didn't have insurance.) $300 for the ER sometime that day/next day and then a later bill he is not too excited to see how to deal with, if at all.
So, PSA: The ER is still expensive (in the States).
Next beer is on me.
Waynezism: I'm going to safely assume/conclude you know absolutely nothing about bacterial infections... but Strep left untreated can be life-threatening. A lot of the skin infection symptoms share similarities, and therefore need the diagnosis of a doctor.
Today you definitely did not fuck up, because your friends life doesn't have a price tag.
slimfast86: Gold
| 3 | 1 | |
1410844900 | 1410895579 | t3_2gj8qt | t5_2to41 | 30 | SteveRogers95: TIFU by doing salvia while listening to snoopdog
So it started off as a normal day when my friend texts me that his GF is busy and we can have a bro day. Immediately i suggest we can finally try salvia. On his way back from work he picks up the goods and we are ready to have a good time. We take a few hits as instructed on google, lay down, dim the lights and wait. I saw Bernie Mac laughing at me and he saw himself as a dragon but nothing too crazy. He wants to try it again but I said it was lame because it was kind of depressing doing it one at a time. So we decide to try it while just hanging in the living room.
This is where I messed up. 5 Hits later I cant hold my saliva in my mouth and am drooling everywhere while trying to eat a cookie. Before i know it Snoop Dogg From The Church To The Palace comes on and I'm STUCK face first to the floor unable to move. The song was holding me to the floor as im screaming CHANGE THE SONG PLEASE, CHANGE THE SONG ITS HOLDING ME!! I physically cannot move as I'm on the ground screaming as my friend is laughing his ass off. Fast forward 10 minutes. Now he is as high as a kite and i decide to play "the song" sure enough he is now stuck to the floor as I'm laughing and yelling the beat of the song over and over DUN DUN DUNNN... DUN DUN DUNNN. Once its all over I'm going to my room and realize i also pissed my pants while being stuck to the floor.
TLDR; I got stuck to the floor listening to snoopdog and pissed myself
TheCowfishy: I fail to see how this is a fuck up, sounds like it was a riot.
SteveRogers95: You've obviously never pissed your pants.
| 3 | 10 | |
1410845559 | 1410882492 | t3_2gj9jh | t5_2to41 | 28 | RuinedTrousersOnDate: TIFU by defecating in my trousers on a first date due to nervousness.
rxcowboy: I envy your life if shitting your pants is the most horrible dating experience you've ever had
RuinedTrousersOnDate: Excuse me? What could possibly be worse?
rxcowboy: STDs, slashed tires, attempts to break up that involve suicide attempts and the police, having money stolen, having your stash stolen, having both stolen and your car wrecked, banging a girl and finding out that not only was she your bosses daughter, but she was barely legal, etc.
RuinedTrousersOnDate: I'd take any of those four times in a row rather than defecate in my trousers on a date.
rxcowboy: Well if you'd rather take two STDs and two wrecked cars over a turd in the trousers, you're a moron and I can kind of see why you have only been on three dates. Thanks for doing the logical thing and voluntarily removing yourself from the gene pool.
easilypersuadedsquid: harsh
rxcowboy: Not really, it's a troll account so I'm just amusing myself.
greet_the_sun: He wasn't saying it's harsh because he's worried about your karma dumbass, don't be a dick.
rxcowboy: Harsh.
| 10 | 2.8 | |
1410841500 | 1410850271 | t3_2gj48b | t5_2to41 | 15 | Stephaniegbc: TIFU by cleansing a cops palate
Im fairly new to working at the Publix deli. Basically I slice meat and cheese, and make subs all day. Today, a regular came in who so happens to be a cop.
She asked for a pound of corned beef to make Rueben's, and then asked for my suggestion on a cheese. She sampled just about every swiss cheese, and wasn't interested. So I suggested the butterkase because its mild, and melts well.
WELL, it just so happens that one of my very competent co-workers decided to place the horseradish cheddar where the butterkase goes. Every white cheese looks the same to me, so I need to go by the labels.
Anyways, I picked up the horseradish cheddar, thinking that it was the butterkase, sliced her up a big slice, handed it to her, she folded it 4 times so she could fit the whole slice in her mouth, and then BAM, her face, I don't even know how to explain her face, it was a mixture of pain, confusion, and anger. She immediately ran over to the fountain drinks, and started chugging. I was so embarrassed.
For anyone that doesn't know what horseradish cheddar taste like, its like a mild wasabi, but works just about the same.
rxcowboy: On a brighter note I love spicy food and will look for this cheese next time I'm at the deli!
Stephaniegbc: Horseradish cheddar is the cheese for you then! We have it in boats head, I'm not sure about other brands.
rxcowboy: I'm thinking about stopping at my 24 hour supermarket on the way home and getting some now so I can put it on a Reuben.
You may have fucked that cops day up, but you made mine better so thank you!
Stephaniegbc: Don't forget the sauerkraut and thousand island!
rxcowboy: Thousand Island? Thousand Fucking Island? Is this amateur night? Russian dressing bro, on fresh rye.
Stephaniegbc: Well damn, you're going all out. We're cheap at publix and use thousand island.
Enjoy your kick-ass Reuben, stranger. :)
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1410847075 | 1410848938 | t3_2gjb8z | t5_2to41 | 2 | Posing_Hipster_011: TIFU by spitting on a flute player
I'm in a marching band. We were practicing music and a flute in front of me was sitting and practicing. I spit when I'm bored in an effort to increase my range because I'm a jerk. My range is usually 2-3 feet. For some reason in this instance it was 4-6. I spit on her back. She noticed. TIFU
FullbusterXV: What instrument do you play? It's important
Posing_Hipster_011: Tenor saxophone
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410846966 | 1410974355 | t3_2gjb4q | t5_2to41 | 24 | twxx: TIFU by conditioning myself to get a boner when taking a dump
So I'm obviously using my throwaway for this.
I live in a house where privacy has never really been a thing. There could be no locked doors, closed doors never got knocked on before being opened and the only PC was in a rather public place of the house.
Also, the internet router stayed in the same room as the PC, so it didn't reach the entire house. Stay**ed** because recently I convinced my father to move it to the center of the house, where we now have access to it everywhere.
Going back to the privacy bit, the only place we are ever allowed to have doors locked inside the house, is the bathroom. You can see where this is going right?
With my new-found bathroom internet access, my recently purchased laptop and horniness, there was only one place I could now to masturbate in complete peace, with zero chance of someone catching me. It was heaven.
For a few months now I've been doing this: Pull down pants, sit on toilet, masturbate viciously to the most fucked up porn I can find that doesn't yet cross my line, take the opportunity of being there already with pants down to take a shit.
So yeah, just now I noticed that when I went to take a shit and do just that, I started to get a hard-on... So yeah, just shat and cleaned myself with a half-mast going. Not my proudest moment if I dare say so myself
junglestunta: That is fucking hilarious. You salty Pavlov Dawg
twxx: Glad my misery has brought joy to your life
| 3 | 8 | |
1410853268 | 1410872002 | t3_2gjhi2 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by FU oral sex.
Just this past week. I had a date set up. We meet for drinks at a bar and she is quite cute. All was going well: the conversation was easy, many laughs were had. We briefly kiss at the end.
She texts me after the date saying she had a great time and we should do it again. I agreed: I also had a good time!
Early Sunday afternoon she invites me over. Fine by me: don't be an idiot and keep the gun in the holster.
I go over there, she offers me a drink. Have another drink and just shootin the shit at this point.
One thing leads to another and now we're in her bedroom. Before I know it, we're 69ing. I'm on bottom, and it's getting fairly aggressive fairly quickly. Before I know it, she thrusts her ass into my face and since at the time I was essentially sucking on her ladybits, I accidentially bit on her vajayjay.
Of course she gets off instantly and is definitely in pain. I feel terrible...wtf can I do?
She runs to the bathroom, and comes and grabs me. I'm in there with a mirror inspecting the damage. There's two very tiny marks, no blood from what I saw. Based on my non-doctor assessment I'd say it'll heal in a few days. She then asks me to leave.
Ok, that's fine, not going to fight her on it. I feel like a complete fuckwit at this point and I'm not even sure what the best move is at this point. I oblige and leave.
I text her when I get home asking her how's she's doing and of course apologize. I would never EVER purposely do such a thing, and I've always prided myself on being a good ladybit pleasurer.
She says she's at the hospital. Shit, ok, wasn't expecting that.
I lay off the texting for a bit and check back in 1-1.5hours later. She says she is traumatized and doesn't want to see me again. Ok, fair enough, not going to push the issue.
So, here we are. She probably thinks I'm an absolute psycho that likes to bite on girls vaginas for fun. Idk...fuck. I feel absolutely awful.
Oh and I just got fired today. Life is good.
rebeldefector: >Of course she gets off instantly
Surprise!
Some like it rough ;)
raggedontheedges: Haha I read it like that too! Seriously though, OP had at least a 50% chance of kinky sex there - personally I can say it woulda got a 10/10 would bang again from more than a few of my friends!
Also I thought OP was a chick til I read the comments - I've never heard of a guy calling it a vajayjay before :D
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410853750 | 1410869059 | t3_2gjhyg | t5_2to41 | 4 | Lazymazytazy: TIFU by letting down my dad.
So to start things off, my dad is my idol, he's strong, funny, generous, successful, happy, grateful, smart, and can make the best decisions in the worst of times. I know my dad isn't perfect, he has done some things, we all have and he realizes I won't he perfect either, and my entire family is Mormon, born into it and I believe in what we believe, but that doesn't mean I can't rebel from time to time (16 male). I'm not sheltered too much, so I have friends who do drugs, have sex and party. Anyways, I was at my friends house and he smokes weed (respectively) and I flat out say, can I try that, being as curious as I was/am. I didn't regret it, I love smoking, it lets me express my highly energetic self with friends doing it with me. But that all change, It's like it hit me, I know that I'm not feeling bad because I broke the word of wisdom (for those who don't know what that is, it's basically "your body is a temple so take care of it"), but because I let my dad down. My dad has put so much trust into me, we do a lot of things together, he is honestly my best friend, and like I said he doesn't expect me to he perfect, but smoking is an extreme violation to our rules. And now I really want to tell him that I've made a mistake and I know it's frowned upon, but I don't find it bad enough to stop, (and I don't mean that In a addictive way). I feel like my friend ship will never be the same with my dad, and it would crush me to see someone I care about shun me. :( I'm so lost.
TLDR: I started smoking weed, love it, but it would make my dad feel like he failed at raising me, and it would kill me seeing him like that.
Any advise would be tremendously appreciated, ask anything you want, I'm open to your opinions and questions.
mawop: It's probably a better idea that you tell your dad before he has to find out himself. Make it clear that you know you've screwed up and that you never wanted to let him down. Hopefully he'll be understanding, and then he'll also know that you trust him enough to come to him about things like that.
You're incredibly lucky that your relationship with your dad is a strong one. Make sure he knows how much you value it.
Lazymazytazy: Thank you, for your comment, but I also forgot to mention that I have smoked in a while and that it's not a regular thing, it more when ever I go to a friends house which is probably every other Saturday, maybe every third even. So it's not a second life style, more of a relaxing session with friends to be able to kick back, if that makes sense.
5unbr0: No scientific evidence that the amount you smoke is damaging to the body.
"*Your body is a temple*" thing hasn't been violated so you're off the hook.
Source: God
Edit: kidding not god, *science*.
mawop: Any form of smoke inhalation is damaging to the lungs.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1410856165 | 1411069326 | t3_2gjk2r | t5_2to41 | 3,516 | TIFUTinder: TIFU by dating two chicks I met on tinder
Firstly I have never been in a relationship so a mate told me to start using tinder. I'm not a model, I'm just an average college guy looking for some girls to hang with so when I got matched with a few really pretty girls I was very happy.
So this all started around 2 months ago I started talking to a girl let's call her Ella, she was very pretty and we had a lot in common we went out 6 times we had fun and nothing was official. A month a go I got matched with another very pretty girl but at this point I was really starting to like ella but this girl let's call her Emily sent me two messages so being the nice guy I was I sent her a message back after a couple weeks of talking to Emily she wanted to get some drinks I thought what the hell I don't think Ella is really that into me anyway. Little did I know that I received a text from ella in the middle of the date I had with Emily asking if I was interested in becoming a little more serious (I was and she was one of the nicest and most interesting girls I had ever talked to).
So at this point I had two girls that where in to me, being a 20 year old nerdy virgin that sits on reddit all day I was stoked. After a few drinks Emily asked if I wanted to go back to her place, shit I panicked I wasn't expecting this I had no Condoms and was freaking the fuck out I said let's get one more round during this I rushed to the bathroom hoping they had those baby prevention machines that spit out condoms for a buck. Yes, they did I bought 5 I was that excited and who knows I might break one or something.
So I finish my drink and we start walking back to her place, a little bit tipsy I start talking dirty but luckily she's totally into it. We start walking up the stairs to her place and before she opens the door she says "shhh *giggles* my room mates a huge nerd and is probably in bed". So we get inside I try to take my shoes off and just my fucking luck my fat ass hits the small fish bowl next to the front door... Who the fuck puts a glass fish bowl next to the front door. Smash! Water every where she starts freaking out and I try to pick up the glass. But we both just start laughing.
Then I hear my Name "Mick, what are you doing here" totally confused half drunk and thinking that Emily was just playing with me I rambled "to fuck you obviously" I look up and turns out Emily and Ella are room mates and poor old Mick is still a virgin.
TL;DR: Virgin, started using tinder. Had two girls that turned out to be room mates. Still a Virgin.
christmasfine: I don't see the problem dude, you weren't dating either girl. You should've just been honest with both of them at that moment - Hey Ella, we weren't anything serious yet and went on a date, so what?
You can still play this to your cards dude. Which girl did you like more? If so, pursue her.
I mean you didn't even have sex with Ella, that's not a relationship. You went out 6 times and didn't have sex or think she was that in to you? Something is wrong with her dude, totally normal for you to take another girl out.
LRats: I don't think there is anything wrong with Ella. Emily took OP back to their apartment for sex. I would totally agree with you if it was just a date and that was it. But I can't expect someone to still want to go out with a guy who was about to bang someone else after the first date.
christmasfine: Why? If you weren't committed to anything, you seriously cannot expect someone to hold off all other prospects waiting for them.
Your expectations are ridiculous and absurd. Ella could have been an adult and stepped things up, gone for what she wanted, but she didn't. She played stupid games, and won a stupid prize when OP didn't fawn over her and found someone else.
LRats: I didn't say OP did anything wrong. You are right he shouldn't wait around for Ella.
You can't just sleep with whoever you want and expect someone to be ok with that, no matter how serious they are.
christmasfine: > But I can't expect someone to still want to go out with a guy who was about to bang someone else after the first date.
You did imply something was wrong, or that the OP would be at fault.
You can sleep with whomever you want if we're not together, I wouldn't fault anyone for that.
You, and Ella, are faulting OP for it, because you're crazy bitches.
LRats: You are looking for implications where there are none. I'll say it again. OP did nothing wrong here. But you can't expect Ella to be ok with what OP did.
1. I didn't imply anything. I just said that I don't expect Ella to still want to go out with him after trying to sleep with someone else.
2. I am not faulting OP for trying to sleep with Emily, that is fine. Like you said, he wasn't in a relationship with Ella. Again I'm just saying he shouldn't sleep with Emily and still expect Ella to want to be with him.
3. I'm a guy
christmasfine: > But you can't expect Ella to be ok with what OP did.
Okay... it's either wrong or it isn't. If OP did nothing wrong or at fault, then there is nothing for Ella to *not* be okay with.
I DO expect Ella, or any rational person, to be completely okay with what OP did - he wasn't in a relationship with anyone, particularly a girl who blew him off over 6 dates, and had other attractive people like him.
> I didn't imply anything. I just said that I don't expect Ella to still want to go out with him after trying to sleep with someone else.
Well I don't either, but that's because Ella is a fucking psycho bitch.
> I am not faulting OP for trying to sleep with Emily, that is fine. Like you said, he wasn't in a relationship with Ella. Again I'm just saying he shouldn't sleep with Emily and still expect Ella to want to be with him.
OP can go for whomever he wants, if he likes Ella then he should go for it, there isn't really enough info (ie who's hotter). He didn't sleep with Emily, and if OP wants to pursue Ella instead, he is totally in the clear to do so.
I just think Ella is a psycho and he should go with Emily regardless, but we don't know who has bigger boobs.
LRats: > Okay... it's either wrong or it isn't. If OP did nothing wrong or at fault, then there is nothing for Ella to not be okay with.
Things are never that simple.
christmasfine: It's pretty simple to me. Ella is a psycho with unreasonable expectations that some guy she likes should not date anyone else even though they aren't together and she has given no inclination that they will be together.
OP needs to be genuine and explain what happened. OP shouldn't have a problem getting back with either girl.
LRats: Again, if they just went out on a date I would agree with you. The dating is not the problem, it's the going back to their apartment to bang. Going on a date and sleeping with someone (or in this case almost sleeping with someone) are on different levels.
christmasfine: > The dating is not the problem, it's the going back to their apartment to bang.
Are you like 15 or something? What do you think happens on a date?
> Going on a date and sleeping with someone (or in this case almost sleeping with someone) are on different levels.
Not really... Are you saying that Ella should seriously hold OP at fault because he had sex with someone else (or would have) when they weren't even dating?
You are just as psycho and juvenile as Ella dude. OP had no commitments to anyone, including Ella. He was free to date or fuck anyone he wants. As if dating or fucking someone is different lol.
And you generally aren't dating someone *before* you fuck them. That's like fucking someone before you know their name.
Ella learned an important lesson - that you need to go for what you want. The only thing OP should have learned was that he should have explained the situation genuinely and gotten laid that night with Emily.
LRats: > Are you like 15 or something? What do you think happens on a date?
Are you fucking serious? A date does not equal sex afterwards, especially on the first one.
> As if dating or fucking someone is different lol.
It is. You can be dating someone without having sex. lol
> And you generally aren't dating someone before you fuck them. That's like fucking someone before you know their name.
Again dating means you are going out on dates, does not necessarily mean you have to have sex. Of course that will happen eventually if things go right.
You have a very interesting view on dating, or you're a troll. Bravo sir.
christmasfine: > Are you fucking serious? A date does not equal sex afterwards, especially on the first one.
I dunno, most of the time I go on a date it ends up in sex or *something* sexual afterwards, but whatever, by the 3rd or 4th date sex has happened. A date does not guarantee sex afterwards... but I like sex, girls like sex, I don't see why sex would not happen if we liked each other.
> It is. You can be dating someone without having sex. lol
Yea... I don't think so. Maybe if you're dating someone who doesn't have sex until married and you're a fucking weirdo with pent up and twisted views on sexuality and takes it too seriously and isn't in touch with themselves sexually.
You can go on dates with someone, without dating them. But I don't think you could date someone without having had sex with them. I mean you possibly could, if you're like in high school or something lol...
Dating means you acknowledge you are committed to one another, that you are not seeing anyone else. You can go on dates with someone, without *dating* each other.
> You have a very interesting view on dating, or you're a troll. Bravo sir.
No, I'm just an adult. Maybe you should stop working on the high school girls.
LRats: > No, I'm just an adult. Maybe you should stop working on the high school girls.
Nah, I think you're just really horny, and have to stop thinking with just your dick.
christmasfine: I'm only human, most people like sex. Men talk to women, and women talk to men, for sex. Grow up.
LRats: I never said I have a problem with sex. You're the one who calls people children and psycho when they don't share the same view as you. Maybe you should learn to be more open minded.
christmasfine: No, I just don't have my sexuality pent up. Adults have sex, adults like sex, adults usually have sex within the first couple of dates.
There's nothing wrong with being horny or acknowledging sexuality, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with what OP did. If you are not committed to anyone, than you are free to fuck or date or kiss or whatever to anyone else that you want, and if you did so I wouldn't think any less of you, if anything it'd tell me 'fuck, I need to snag this person now because I really like them, and should be an adult and explain to them I want something more'.
LRats: > No, I just don't have my sexuality pent up. Adults have sex, adults like sex, adults usually have sex within the first couple of dates.
I know that there is nothing wrong with that, I never said there was. What I don't agree with is your thought that you have to have sex to be dating. Will most people have sex after a few dates? of course. Does that mean you have to have sex to be in a relationship, no it doesn't.
> there was absolutely nothing wrong with what OP did.
Jesus dude, maybe if I put it in all caps you'll understand. I DON'T THINK OP DID ANYTHING WRONG!!!!!!! I don't think any less of him for what he did. My only point is that Ella doesn't have to be ok with what he did, and that doesn't make her a psycho.
christmasfine: > What I don't agree with is your thought that you have to have sex to be dating.
Well you don't *have* to have sex to be dating, I suppose, but that's kinda ridiculous just like it is to marry someone before having sex with them.
If you are dating someone, it's implied that you guys are having a sexual relationship.
So no, you don't *have* to have sex, it's just what most people would assume since, you know, that's what normal people do.
> My only point is that Ella doesn't have to be ok with what he did, and that doesn't make her a psycho.
It kinda does make her a psycho. I don't have to be okay with your use of reddit either, but that'd make me a psycho too.
LRats: > It kinda does make her a psycho. I don't have to be okay with your use of reddit either, but that'd make me a psycho too.
Not really you're entitled to that opinion. If you went around downvoting me everywhere and telling me that in every thread I post in, then you'd be psycho.
christmasfine: If I held you using reddit against you, like downvoting you everywhere because you use reddit, it'd be psycho. Ella using the fact that the single male OP went out on an date with an attractive girl (and we all know what the intentions of a date are - sex) against him, as a reason not to date him, is psycho.
She is entitled to her opinion and can do whatever she wants, including holding what the OP did against him... just if she does that, she's a psycho.
| 22 | 159.818182 | |
1410855331 | 1410884668 | t3_2gjjdg | t5_2to41 | 148 | [deleted]: TIFU by assembling an airsoft gun in a parking lot
A few years ago I was visiting family during the holidays and went with my cousin (I'll call him Lance) to buy him an airsoft handgun. I bought it just fine but instead of going home first Lance wanted to put it together in the Walmart parking lot. We were beside the building like the second row of cars back (still facing the building) and it was night and not very busy so I didn't think there would be any harm in it. With the dome light on the instructions were still hard to read. We were there for no longer than 15mins, finally its put together we drive to my aunt & uncles.
Under actual light Lance noticed he fucked up when putting the small co2 cartridge into the bottom. Its like a little metal tube that screws on in the dark he crossed the threads. After shooting it a few times Lance takes a pair of pliers and makes it worse by ripping off the flimsy metal handle on the bottom so now the cartridge is stuck inside. Since it hasn't even been an hour we drive back to return it.
On the way I get pulled over. I know I'm not speeding but maybe a tail light is out who knows. After about 5 minutes of waiting I see another police car heading this way and they U turn and pull in behind the one that's already there. After another 5 minutes there's a loud speaker telling "Everyone in the vehicle to put both hands outside the windows". And then they yell "Driver of the vehicle to get out face away and place both on your head!" I get out and they have my use one hand to lift my shirt up to my stomach and spin a full circle. When I turn around to look at them I see 3 police cars, 5 Officers with guns drawn, and a spotlight blinding me.
I'm a fairly good kid. When I see this I start freaking the fuck out! Heart pounding out of my chest, trouble breathing, the full deal.
They then have me get on my knees with my hands still on my head and fall forward on my chest. At least 2 rush forward pin me down, cuff my hands stand me up, search my pockets and then stuff me in the back of a police car. They do the same thing with my cousin after he's in a different police car they start searching my car and not even a minute later find the airsoft gun. I can hear one of them shouting "Its an airsoft!"
After some questions we both get pulled out and uncuffed. One of the officers started to lecture us about how even though it was just an airsoft gun if we pointed it at someone they wouldn't know. That could be assault by Missouri laws. And if they found the gun loaded we might still be in handcuffs. About this time one of the officers messing with the gun pulls the trigger... If you remember the whole reason we were going back to Walmart was because Lance got the co2 cartridge stuck in the gun. So even though it wasn't "loaded" it still released co2 made the firing sound and that officer yells "ITS LOADED!!!!!!!!"
**Push panic button**
Queue both of us yelling "ITS NOT LOADED!", Officer " I FIRED IT!!!! ITS LOADED!!!" And Lance an I talking as fast as we can at the same time trying to explain why it fired while all the officers there clearly didn't know what to do if they should cuff us again or shoot us. Some already had their guns out again. The panic was real.
After enough talking it got cleared up but I feel death by cop almost happened at the end.
**tl;dr** Put together an airsoft gun at Walmart, almost death by cop.
pooope22: brilliant ! similar thing happened to me and some friends in a local town, we were just harmlessly walking down through the town (bearing in mind this is a small local Norfolk village and nothing ever happens) just carrying our airsoft rifles, dressed in full camo when suddenly we hear sirens and the police pull us and shit hits the fan.. one of the pensioners must of thought we were some kind of death squad or something.
ArrogantWhale: >walking down through the town, just carrying our airsoft rifles, dressed in full camo
See that's where you fucked up
ctueddie: you forgot harmlessly.
ArrogantWhale: There is no such thing as harmlessly taking an airsoft gun out in public, let alone in the middle of town small or not
ctueddie: TIL sarcasm doesn't translate over the Internet.
ArrogantWhale: We'll shit dude just add /s at the end if you don't wanna be misunderstood
| 7 | 21.142857 | |
1410862285 | 1410886624 | t3_2gjph2 | t5_2to41 | 43 | alyxthealyx: TIFU by pointing out a boy's deformity
So yesterday, I went with my friend to the local urgent care. She had some stuff going on and asked me to take her and wait with her. Sure, no problem! So as we're sitting there, this boy sitting across from us is probably 6 or 7 and just being a silly kid. I happened to notice, he only had one hand. I'm not sure if he lost the other hand or was born without it but definitely only one hand.
So, fast forward to we get called back, she does some test, they send us back to the waiting room. They then call the little boy back and when he comes back with his mom, he has these latex gloves that they gave him to play with. He's enjoying the gloves, he has them on and he's flapping them around. He turns to his mom and goes, "LOOK MA!" and without thinking I turn to my friend and say "Look ma! No hands!" You know, like that Waka Flocka song...
I don't think I've ever turned so red in my entire life. I didn't say anything for the remainder of the time we were there. Thankfully, I don't think they heard me, but I know someone in that waiting room probably did.
TL;DR I quoted a song about "no hands" and it just so happened the boy had no hand.
handygoat: I gotta 'hand' it to you that was terrible
lord_sherlock_holmes: good thing you 'pointed' that out!
this_was_sparta: 2 thumbs up!
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1410864698 | 1410882469 | t3_2gjrou | t5_2to41 | 17 | OptimismIsFoolish: TIFU: I tried to bend a bad part straight, and ended up sledging my assembly stool in half.
Broke the assembly stool at work today. I had a derailleur guard clamped to it, and since it was bent, decided to bend it straight. I wailed on it for 3 whacks, and it seemed to be going good, so I hefted the 5 lb sledge, and gave it a mighty whack. I ended up breaking the stool in to 2 clean parts.
I was mind boggled for about 10 seconds, that I broke a stool designed to hold a ton; then I happened to remember, "Oh yeah, I have wood glue!". so I found the wood glue, and tried to apply it. It didn't work. So I uncapped it, and squeezed it. It still didn't work. So I put the cap back on it, (in case some of it was liquid), and flipped it upside down to see the store use date.
Initial store use date: 05/16/2005. My reaction: "Umm yeah, I need a new one." So I find an ASM, and show them the wood glue, (and why I need it, (because I kind of broke a stool, and I need to fix it). Since the store use glue was almost 10 years old, she had no problem. I went out to hardware, and got a new bottle, then gave the old bottle to the claims associate, so we can get a replacement.
Other than feeling like a moron for sledging a stool in half, no harm done. The stool will be usable tomorrow. (yes, I put a note on it: "DO NOT USE UNTIL 0849 16 Sept 2014!!! BROKEN!!)
I just hope my impromptu zip-tie clamp actually works.
soxordie: So what are you gonna do if you show up at 0845 and someone's sitting on it?
milofelix: Your gonna have to sledge them too. Hopefully there's plenty of glue left over
Gengarbread: "Oh, they're goin t'have to glue you back together IN HELL!"
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1410870686 | 1410871388 | t3_2gjy93 | t5_2to41 | 8 | seshhtito: TIFU: When I dropped the host in church.
I fucked up pretty hard reddit. It was Christmas Day and my family and I went to church for I'd say the first time in like a year or so. Anyway, the church was packed because it was Christmas. When it came time to receive the host I was contemplating on the priest putting it in my mouth or him just placing it in my hand. I was leaning toward him putting it in my mouth but then last second I backed out, I thought it was too weird. So when he placed it in my hand I literally fumbled it like a football and dropped it on the floor. Anyone's reaction would be to pick it back up, but stupid me decided to kick that thing right under the pue and just walked away in utter shame. Im pretty sure the whole church saw that.
DJShazam: Considering that [host desecration](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Host_desecration) is grounds for excommunication, I'd say that's a pretty big fuck up.
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Host desecration**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Host%20desecration): [](#sfw)
---
>__Host [desecration](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desecration)__ is a form of [sacrilege](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacrilege) in Christianity (most frequently identified as such in the traditions of [Anglicanism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anglicanism), [Eastern](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orthodox_Church) and [Oriental](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oriental_Orthodoxy) [Orthodoxy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orthodoxy), [Lutheranism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lutheranism), and [Catholicism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catholic_Church)) involving the mistreatment or malicious use of a [consecrated](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consecrated) [host](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacramental_bread)— the sacred bread used in the [Eucharistic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eucharistic) service or [Mass](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_(liturgy\)). In Catholicism, where the host is held to have become the body of Jesus Christ, host desecration is among the gravest of sins. Intentional host desecration is not only a [mortal sin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mortal_sin) but also incurs the penalty of [excommunication](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excommunication) [latae sententiae](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latae_sententiae). Throughout history, a number of groups have been accused of [desecrating](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desecrating) the [Eucharist](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eucharist), often with grave consequences due to the spiritual importance of the consecrated host.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/FVYe5ii.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:OHM_-_Hostienfrevel_Bild_1.jpg) - *Painting \(16th century\) showing the alleged desecration of hosts by Jews in Passau in 1477 \(detail\), Oberhausmuseum \(de\) \(Passau\).*
---
^Interesting: [^Blood ^libel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_libel) ^| [^Eucharist](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eucharist) ^| [^Sacramental ^bread](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacramental_bread) ^| [^Transubstantiation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transubstantiation)
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| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410872056 | 1410925619 | t3_2gjzz9 | t5_2to41 | 179 | davidwells65: TIFU by getting a boner during PE
My PE teacher is an unofficial paedofile. I am hardly joking; rumour has it that he once made a kid swim naked because he had forgotten his trunks. Probably bullshit, but I go to an all boys school and that shit spreads (no pun intended). Anyway...
My arsehole friend Chad stomped on my thigh after I had fallen over in football (soccer). It hurt like fuck and he left a massive bloody graze on my thigh. As I lay dying on the ground, the tears starting to form and the bastard seized his opportunity.
He ran over, grinning, with a massive fucking pot of antisceptic cream in his hand. Chad (being the giant cunt that he is) started to laugh as he realised what was gonna happen. At this point I must point out that everyone is watching my molestation (the game has been paused) and I am in too much pain to refuse.
He started to rub cream up my thigh. Wayyy to high. And I got a boner.
I don't even fucking know why, I guess it just started and then I couldn't stop it. And trying to stop it made the problem worse. So there I lay as an old man touched me up and I got slowly harder and harder.
I thought I was safe when he finally stopped touching me. But as Chad was taking me inside, he realised my shameful secret. And being the dickhead that he is, he shouted out
'OP has a boner!'
I tried to run and fell over in excruciating pain as everyone jeered and laughed at me. I walked slowly and solemnly to the school nurse and got sent home early. How on earth will I go in again tomorrow?
DeathAndRebirth: Damn thats embarrassing... i used to always get boners all the time in class... and it was an all boys school haha
i never got a boner from an old man touching my thigh but i would say just act like nothing happened and people will forget eventually
davidwells65: I guess I'll just have to do that :P the shame though...
DeathAndRebirth: haha in the grande scheme of things a boner in PE isn't a big deal, youll be fine, stay strong man
KickSoMuchButt: In my PE class a special ed kid took his dick out and put it on another kid's head. People forgot about that eventually.
Courtneys_Hole: You apparently didn't.
KickSoMuchButt: You're right...
OP, it's all over. Delete your Facebook and move to another state.
| 7 | 25.571429 | |
1410872710 | 1410894324 | t3_2gk0x1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | TheStoicHedonist: TIFU by dropping my ID badge
So, I work 12 hour shifts and the worst part is the last hour, I have extensive patient interaction then. Knowing this I planned on visiting the restroom first.
I sit down, do my business and stand up. I turn around to flush and suddenly hear a *clink*... I look down to see my ID, forever unclean, looking back up at me. But it wasn't floating in a pool of piss, no, it fell into a vat of diarrhea. Vile, putrid stool.
The highlight is: I learned my ID floats.
I proceeded to wash it furiously and now plan to blame everyone else for that "smell"
_DMAC_: uhhhh...get a new ID?
smjpilot: get a whole new identity... who'd want to be THAT person?
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410872342 | 1410935879 | t3_2gk0d7 | t5_2to41 | 156 | CrokeBollegeKid: TIFU by losing my teacher in a dark room...
This actually happened a while ago but here we go. Back when I was in 6th grade, we had a substitute teacher for science class. Awesome. That meant no work, no homework, and we were just gonna watch TV for the entire hour of class. I wanted to be comfortable before feasting my eyes upon the first episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy, so I asked the substitute to go to the bathroom. Obviously she said yes and I was on my way.
This substitute was a very sweet, older African American woman. She had substituted classes before and I had no problem with her whatsoever. She was actually one of the nicer substitutes. Anyway, when I got back to the classroom, the lights were now off because she had the whole room set up to watch some Bill Nye. I, being the idiot that I am, walked into this nearly pitch black room, took a couple looks around, and stated and I quote, "Hey guys, where's the teacher?!"
After hearing this, she opens her eyes in the front and center of the classroom and calmly says, "I'm right here. Sit down so we can start." I have never felt so bad/embarrassed in my life. To make matters worse, one of my best friends in the class started laughing hysterically, making me uncomfortable for the rest of class.
tl;dr I walked into a dark room and asked where the African American substitute teacher was when she was basically right in front of me
AskBoutMe: I was expecting you to accidentally grabbing a handfull of dat ass or something...
lololClopCloplolol: Whats your favorite show?
| 3 | 52 | |
1410875482 | 1410891174 | t3_2gk530 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Tauriel33: TIFU by trying to make friends
Unlike many posts on this sub, this actually happened today, around 3 hours ago.
I began university yesterday and had my second welcome lecture today. Afterwards we had a tour of the campus and I decided this was my chance to try and make my first friend. I began chatting to a friendly looking guy, asking his name, where he was from, etc.
I then asked if he was getting along with the people in his dorm and he replied (rather loudly)
"oh yeah, they're all cool. I'm a bit sad I've been unable to tell some of my cracking racist jokes though, because one of my roomies is black. Do you want to hear some of them?"
I kinda politely smiled, said "no, I'm all right". (it's a bit of an awkward time starting university when no one knows each other and everyone is reasonably quiet and trying to give good impressions, never mind when someone comes out with a line like that after 30 seconds of knowing them). So during this awkward pause in the conversation I glance around, only to see a black girl who is on my course (and will be for the next 3+ years) standing ~12-15ft away, giving me the most disapproving, cold stare I've ever had the displeasure of receiving.
I could only assume she thought I was the absolute imbecile that had spouted such a unthoughtful and disrespectful sentence. Tomorrow I will most likely try and make friends with a different person, hopefully with more success.
I know it's not even half as much as a fuck-up as others I've read on the sub, but the fact it happened today made me want to post it. Also the dread of having to potentially work with both the dude and girl over the next few years makes me cringe.
tl;dr - 2nd day of uni, first person I try to make friends with turns out to be a slightly racist fool.
imacyber: First thing u need to do tomorrow is say hi to her. Then let us know how it goes. :)
Phlack: I agree. Say hi, tell her that other guy was a jerk, and that you definitely didn't want to hear what he had to say.
If she gives you the brush-off, then don't push it, but still be polite. If you're around her enough, she'll figure out what you're really like eventually.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1410877361 | 1410881137 | t3_2gk7zt | t5_2to41 | 16 | theta2127: TIFU by scaring a schizophrenic.
Here's a fuck up from 2013 around Halloween. The summer semester prior to Halloween, I met this student who was a sophomore at my college, we'll call him David. In our conversations, he shared that he was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and that he had a difficult time distinguishing between threats from his delusions to everyday stuff. David even gets seriously freaked out on a regular basis when he sees the school mascot (an owl) in costume; he'll hide behind other students and ask if the 'giant fucking owl in the room' is real, to which they reply with a roll of the eyes and say it's just a costume. Now fast forward about four months later. I only own one costume and that's the three-piece Slenderman morphsuit, which comes with nylon pants, a top with a fake tie and dress shirt, and a white headpiece. I spend a good part of the day running around campus hiding behind trees and even stalking my peers in class; at least my professors appreciated the humor. However, I came back to the union still in costume and saw David on his laptop watching YouTube videos. Thinking it'd be funny, I hide behind a wide pillar nearby and watch him...all while totally forgetting the guy is schizophrenic. He notices me poking my white head from behind the pillar and jumps out of his seat and backs against the wall. He aims a finger at me and shouts, "Oh my god, please tell me that guy is fake! Fuck!" The other students nearby tell him it's just a costume and then it hits me.......I REALLY fucked up... When I pulled off the mask and told him it was me, David just laughed it off and said it was a good prank, but still...
TLDR I dressed as Slenderman and scared a paranoid schizophrenic.
finelife: I once hid behind a pillar to scare my wife. My wife is a black belt in taekwondo. I don't do that anymore.
ikerinepu: What did she break?
finelife: Nothing. Luckily I was far enough away that I had time to back up and try to get her to recognize me while she was rushing me with her fists up. If I had been closer or wearing a mask I don't think I would have done so well. I have no self defense training at all. Seeing the attack instinct kick in was enough for me to learn my lesson.
| 4 | 4 | |
1410879508 | 1410886455 | t3_2gkbn0 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Rokhard82: TIFU by showing my father in law what his daughter and I do in bed.
So I went to my father in law's house to setup his wireless Internet for him. He doesn't have a laptop or device with Web browsing capabilities to setup the router. So I had to use my phone. Backtrack to last night where I sent my wife some very kinky gifs to put her in the mood. So he says he wants to learn to do IT type things more and wants to learn how. So I am showing him how we would setup the router by logging into the proxy. I click the browser on my phone and lay it down as it loads and I go to do something else. About a minute later I notice a raunchy gif from last night is playing and he is watching it. Whoops. Sorry pops.
BayKidd25: You should have taught him where he can get that sexy content himself. That way he can get his wife in the mood as well. Then you can consider it a job well done
Rokhard82: No. I didn't explain it to him. So now he just thinks I look at nasty porn. *he's not wrong *
IDonthaveMeningitis: Whas it "daddy" porn?
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1410881239 | 1410886261 | t3_2gkesa | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by slapping my girlfriend
Wolfie141: Dude you sound like an asshole.
But to lighten the mood, Ray Rice is that you?
tifuanon: What about me sounds like an asshole?
Do I talk like this? pfft pfft pfft. pfft pfft pffffffffffffft???
Wolfie141: The ignoring part where you absolutely refused to talk to her, You could have easily told her you need some time to be alone because you're stressed out. Now I do realize she threw a glass at you am which *is not* okay at all, and I do realize that you acted in self defense but dont you think you took it a little far? I mean a shove would have been enough, you didnt need to choke her.
I see that in your other comment you said you had a fucked up childhood, have you ever considered going to see a therapist?
tifuanon: I've seen therapists. None have helped.
I just get tired of her after a while. And I don't want to talk. She does the same thing to me, but somehow her response to being ignored has to be trashing my entire apartment.
Wolfie141: Oh, well you know your situation better than I do. Hope things get better
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1410880414 | 1410897573 | t3_2gkdc0 | t5_2to41 | 20 | danithegirI: TIFU by dating my professor. What was I thinking?!
So, last year I dated my college instructor. He was only a few years older than me so that part wasn't out of the ordinary, and I'm an honors student who received absolutely no special treatment as a result from our little romance. It sort of just happened. I mean we were both obviously attracted to each other, and we even said we had planned on asking the other out after the semester ended... but that didn't happen.
Let me specify, I've never dated a boss, teacher, or anything like that before, and I'll admit I was a little worried about what people would think. There's a reason for that. Its fucking inappropriate!
After six months of feeling like Lulu White (a mammoth whore), and trying to graciously laugh off all the comments my friends "playfully" made poking fun at the situation, I couldn't take it anymore. We had sort of grown apart anyway shortly after the class had ended, so we called it quits. I realized I had just broken up with my teacher after I got an A (which I earned with my mind, not my body) in his class. Fucking lovely.
I can't help but hang my head in a bit of shame when this comes up in conversation. I'm sure he still gets high fives to this day.
TL;DR: Fell for my teacher. It didn't work out. I feel dirty :(
FlaccidBarnacle: It's not your fault, you can't help who you are in to.
danithegirI: Yeah, sometimes lady bits have a mind of their own.
[deleted]: Gentlemen bits have the same problem sometimes. Don't be to hard on yourself. It happens, don't feel dirty.
red4jjdrums5: I feel pretty, oh, so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity any girl who isn't me tonight.
| 5 | 4 | |
1410881572 | 1410882483 | t3_2gkfeb | t5_2to41 | 6 | FlavoringTheEggs: TIFU by confiding to a co-worker that I sometimes masturbate into my scrambled eggs when I am cooking them.
thats_mah_saster: www.cookingwithcum.com
FlavoringTheEggs: Ah, great!! Thanks!!!
| 3 | 2 | |
1410879829 | 1410893328 | t3_2gkc7v | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and not being a military veteran, apparently.
This happened last Friday, but I was at work and made what I thought was going to be a normal phone call to a "debt solution" company who had taken a payment of over $300 that I never approved of and wouldn't have approved of because the money wasn't available. According to the rep and his manager it "couldn't be reversed" even though it was still pending. Anyway, long story short, this triggered all my anxiety and aggression (mind you, I was outside the building). Luckily, one of my coworkers knows about my PTSD and knew exactly what was happening. She told my supervisor I'd need to go home and wouldn't be able to calm down. Fast forward to today and I get an email from my boss requesting a "secondary review". So now, thanks to something my biological father did 20+ years ago and something my adoptive father did 10-15 years ago (long term abuse), I now have uncontrollable anxiety, depression, and anger/aggression that I can't always control and now my job is at risk. Lovely.
ETA: This is in no way intended as a slam to military vets. It's just that as someone with non-combat-related PTSD it seems like I have a much harder time with anyone NOT in the medical field recognizing the fact that I have a psychological health problem.
TL;DR EDIT: I have non-combat-related PTSD and now I'm having to try to get FMLA for it to avoid disciplinary action at work.
jlet: I don't think your job is at risk, I am pretty sure they can get in a world of trouble for firing you over a medical issue.
[deleted]: I do hope you're correct. I'm rushing around to get my intermittent FMLA paperwork filled out and that means it will be on file and Friday will be covered as part of my FMLA. They're currently paying for my college education. If they fire me, they'll find they'll still be paying for it after I sue them.
computergeekguy: The best thing you can do is sit down with your employer and let them know what is going on. Do not try to throw anything in their face and just explain what happened, and why you reacted that way.
Unless they are extremely huge tool bags they will understand because they are people too.
[deleted]: Yeah, unfortunately I did that Friday. I didn't go into any details other than tell them I was going to try to get intermittent FMLA for that day and for any other days I may end up needing it. Problem is, they don't seem to understand the difference between every day stress and post traumatic stress disorder. I don't expect them to relate to me. I would hope they can't. But understanding would be nice. Unfortunately, I'm not in the "clique". That's what happens when you work in an office full of women though.
computergeekguy: Oh snap, Yeah I have been there. Well, good luck brother. We are pulling for you.
[deleted]: Lol I'm a female bro ;) Thanks!!
computergeekguy: ... still going to pull for you... :)
[deleted]: Lol, it's good. Rule 16 of the Internet: there are no girls on the Internet. And thanks :)
| 9 | 1.555556 | |
1410881895 | 1410926000 | t3_2gkfz7 | t5_2to41 | 50 | WellThisIsAwko: TIFU by trying anal
As many before me, this TIFU happened about three weeks ago.
So one night a few of my friends went out, bar hopping like normal college kids do, and trying to pick up women left and right. Somehow or another I got dragged into a bet that if my friend could down 5 shots of 151 then he would find any girl in the club and I'd have to get her number. Being stupid and young, I accepted, and he took the shots like a champ, and to my surprise, the girl he picked out wasn't bad looking, maybe a 6/10, a little thick around the hips, but she was hot.
Doubtful that anything would come from this endeavor, I walk up, get her number and call her that night, it turns out we actually hit it off pretty well. We can call her Mandy. We went out to dinner the next night and had an amazing night, with me ordering a steak, and her ordering a pork chop with Lima beans.**
The next night we went out clubbing again, and I invited Mandy to go with us, just to see if she would like it.
She did.
After about $240 of booze down our gullets I decide to call it a night and invite Mandy back to the apartment. Needless to say things got wild. She was all over me like white on rice, doing everything and anything I could imagine. Then she asks if I wanted to try the nasty.
Anal.
Wasted as all hell I agree and put it in, it felt great. Then I started feeling this really weird sensation on the tip of my knob, it was like it grew another head, or something was on it. I pull out to figure out what was wrong, and there, caked in shit and who knows what, was a Lima bean stuck to the tip of my dick.** Petrified I threw up all over her back and ran into the shower disinfected everything. We haven't talked since.
----
Tips for hooking up, if you EVER plan on doing anal, be sure to watch her diet for about a week prior. Trust me.
DivinePrince: When people have anal, they go to the bathroom 3 hours prior and dont eat anything before sex. If you do that, I can tell you it will be much cleaner.
SpectacularVernacula: You're a fountain of anal knowledge.
DivinePrince: I write erotic literature. That's why.
I'm just providing why it happened. A lot of people bash anal sex as disgusting when it's usually them not properly cleaning up first.
SpectacularVernacula: That's why you make fatuous statements?
DivinePrince: > fatuous
That wasn't even pointless.
And stop abusing the thesaurus- it doesn't make you look very smart.
http://socialtriggers.com/the-big-problem-with-big-words-hint-they-make-you-look-stupid/
SpectacularVernacula: Thanks for your advice but this is simply the first word that I thought to use. Some people are educated.
DivinePrince: http://socialtriggers.com/the-big-problem-with-big-words-hint-they-make-you-look-stupid/
SpectacularVernacula: And yes, it was pointless. You made an incredibly obvious remark. This is the meaning of 'pointless'. And the word ''fatuous' expresses my meaning a little more clearly than the word 'pointless'. That is why I used it.
DivinePrince: Well, have fun with that, then.
| 10 | 5 | |
1410882118 | 1410883352 | t3_2gkgdb | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by being way to tired to eat breakfast.
I left the house this morning at 5am to go to work. I was exhausted. I stop by a donut shop to grab a breakfast sandwich and a coke, the same thing I do nearly every morning.
I take a drink of the coke and think that something doesn't taste right. In my sleepy stupor I come to the conclusion that the drink must not be mixed up well enough, so without thinking I place the cap back on and proceed to shake it violently.
I open the Coke and it explodes over the entire car (what did I expect) from the dashboard to the backseat, everything soaked. Of coarse I'm drenched. I look down and realize that the "problem" with the taste is that the donut shop handed me a diet coke on accident. Tough way to start my day.
CaptainExtermination: Buddy...You shook it INSIDE your car. Yeah....You deserved it.
[deleted]: I definitely deserved it. It was embarrassing.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410882990 | 1410898856 | t3_2gkhy0 | t5_2to41 | 258 | [deleted]: Tifu by trying to be a decent human and helping a single mother of 3
So I used to have a best friend. She was 19 with 3 kids and none of the fathers were in the picture. She only worked part time and money for her was extremely tight. One day she asked if I could help pay her electric bill because its past due and her electricity will be cut.
I know there is a rule about loaning money but this was my best friend and my parents raised me with the principal of always helping others in need. At the time I was making good money so I said I would loan her the cash. She seemed grateful and promised to pay me back asap.
Not long after that she asked me if I could loan her 600 to pay her rent. She came up short again this was her 4th time and landlord was gonna kick her out. I did loan her the money. Over all I loaned her around 1,000. After a while I ask when she is planning on paying me back. She mumbles a reply and changes the subject. After that out friendship falls apart
A few more weeks passed and we no longer hung out but I kept asking about the money. Not 24\7 just morning a while I would shoot her a text asking. It came to a point were she straight up told me to leave her alone and stop bothering her. My reply was "that's fine, just pay me the money and I'll leave you alone" she went to the local police department and filed a harrasment report. I got a call from an officer telling me to leave her alone or I could be arrested. I tried to explain my side but the officer said she did not want to hear it. If there was a problem I needed to go to the police department and file a report.
I decided to cut the money as a loss and that was the end. How wrong I was. About 3 weeks have passed and Today I got a letter stating there was a warrant for my arrest and I needed to show up to the police station. I show up wondering what is going on and I am immidiatly arrested and thrown in jail for 6 hours while they procced me And my friend came up with bond money.
I am now out of jail but owe fees and have court coming up all for loaning money to help someone in their time of need.
Did I mention a lawyer will cost me 2,500 because of my income.
I'm scared this is my first time dealing with police. I'm depressed I can't believe my friend. A person that I helped could do that. I honestly don't want to deal with any of this. There are other thigs going on in my life. I have been having thoughts of suicide all morning
EDIT: let me start off by saying this is one of only a few times I have posted to Reddit so I don't exactly know how it works.
I also wanna say thank you so much for all the positive replies I have gotten. Talking about this and reading the comments have helped me out alot
vkguyy: I knew this was going to be bad when the first sentence said she was 19, 3 children, and NONE of the fathers were in the picture. I would have cut the ties of that friendship long before money came into the picture.
dezradeath: I'm shocked at how this mother didn't learn after the first child to start using contraceptives. I know abortion is expensive, but condoms are free in health clinics and Plan B pills are about 20 bucks. Unless she wanted to have 3 kids and her young mind thought she could handle it, I don't know how someone could fuck up like that.
Umufranker: But what if they are triplets... Hmm
sexylittleatoms: There was that part about "none of the fathers...." so probably not triplets.
| 5 | 51.6 | |
1410883035 | 1410887935 | t3_2gki22 | t5_2to41 | 13 | catfishingsuicide: TIFU by catfishing a suicidally depressed girl
I didn't mean for it to go down like this. I just made a fake profile on a site and started a bunch of conversations. I had no intention of ever seeing any of these people, but one in particular became very attached to me.
She basically put my fake persona as her only friend and now every day I'm talking to her to try to encourage her to keep working at life. She likes fake me so much she's been trying to research this imaginary person and there's nothing there.
So she doesn't know what's up, I feel guilty about coming clean or abandoning her, and I think there's a good chance she will go crazy if I disappeared now (related to her previous drama).
poohspiglet: Plot twist - she's catfishing you!
computergeekguy: Plot twist - this is a catfish dating site.
[deleted]: I'm a bass man, myself
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1410882117 | 1411000700 | t3_2gkgd7 | t5_2to41 | 399 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to have sex in a pool.
This didn't happen today, it happened several years ago, but it is quite the series of unfortunate events.
It was fall and the girl I was dating at the time had worked at a gym with an outdoor pool during the summer, and she revealed to me that she had been wanting to have sex in that pool ever since she started working there. I'm an 18 year old male... I'm down. So, we go to CVS to pick up some condoms and as we are checking out the cashier says to us, "Be careful guys!" If only we had listened.
We get to the gym and I hop the fence to the pool. As she is climbing over I playfully, AND LIGHTLY shake the fence. Well, that ginger shake was all it took for her to lose her balance and fall. There was a big stack of hard plastic chairs stacked up that she was planning to step onto from the top of the fence and when she fell, one of her feet goes right through all of the plastic chairs, and she gets a pretty significant gash down one of her arms from the top of the fence. So now her arm is bleeding a lot and her foot is in a lot of pain, but she's a trooper and wants to continue. Well, we hadn't anticipated quite how far away summer had gotten and the water in combination with the chilly fall air was too cold for certain organs of mine to function. So we decide to go back to her house to satisfy our teenage hormonal desires.
But first, back to CVS to get bandages and gauze. The same cashier is working the register and we joke about how we obviously weren't careful seeing as she's now injured. We get to her (parent's) house and her room is in the basement, and she assures me that her parents won't hear a thing. We start fooling around and begin to have sex. She was wrong. Halfway in we hear footsteps above us and she quickly ushers me into her shower to hide. So now I'm standing ass naked in her shower equipped with a condom-wrapped boner realizing how terrible of a hiding spot this is. Not only are the shower doors transparent, but with them shut I also wouldn't be able to run. Too late, her dad is in her room and I'm to scared to move. Somehow, she manages to hide her bloodied, bandaged arm and convince him that nothing was going on. Whatever, he's gone.
As if we hadn't received enough signs from the universe that we should just go to sleep, we decide to finish what we started. Towards the end of us having sex it started to feel way better. Like the best sex I had ever had. I was amazed at how incredible it felt until it was over. The condom had broken, and in my inexperience I was unable to realize that the reason it felt so good for the last few minutes was because we were having unprotected sex. She's not on birth control... awesome.
So the next morning I'm back at CVS, in the pharmacy section buying Plan B. As I'm leaving I make eye contact with the cashier from the night before... Plan B in hand.
The girl's injuries from the fence fall ended up being pretty significant. She fractured a bone in her foot and she still has a scar to this day about 8 inches long going down her arm.
TLDR; Tried to have sex in a pool, ignored shaman cashier ladies advice. Poor decisions were made leading to injury and a pregnancy scare.
PM_ME_SPACE_PICS: shes a keeper
computergeekguy: I second the motion. OP must now marry his girlfriend. :)
[deleted]: We didn't date long, but we are still good friends.
computergeekguy: A sad day indeed gentlemen...
CaptainExtermination: Yeah wow he could have at least lied
Austin_LeBlanc: So you f*cked up her foot, busted a bone her foot, busted a nut in her, and then broke up?
Dang.
Mr_Goop: Oh -puts on sunglasses- *SNAP*
SoggyMoldyWetBread: YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH
Mr_Goop: [YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH](http://cow.org/csi/)
FTFY
| 10 | 39.9 | |
1410880709 | 1410888805 | t3_2gkdtu | t5_2to41 | 4 | Lord_123: TIFU I called a mentally disabled kid a 'cheat'
It was sports day, like, two years ago, and the egge and spoon race is about to start. I'm shouting for my teammate when I realise a girl is holding her egg, so I tell my friends and suddenly everyone is chanting 'CHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT!' But suddenly an assistant teacher rushes over and tells us to stop at once. I then take a closer look at the girl and realise she has Down's syndrome or something. Oops.
TL:DR: I called a mentally disabled child a cheat on sports day.
[deleted]: This story got me down in the dumps :(
Lord_123: Oh.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410880409 | 1410885224 | t3_2gkdbm | t5_2to41 | 3 | platysaur: TIFU By driving through a puddle
So I guess the weather started to be a bitch and rain like a hurricane, literally. I live in hurricane country, and it flooded more in this rainstorm than it did the last hurricane we had.
Well, I so happened to be going home from college after classes on Friday and almost immediately it started to sprinkle a bit, but it was all good. But then, out of nowhere it's like the heavens decided to give my town all it had and let loose a downpour like I haven't seen in a long time. In fact, as an 18 year old and getting my license at 17, I'm a pretty new driver.
I was driving home and could only see the person's lights in front of me. Luckily I knew where I was going, and turned into my neighborhood. But I forget one thing about my neighborhood. The entrance, IT FLOODS LIKE CRAZY. So, with my old car (27 years old?) I drive through this puddle which I could not see. I felt like I was in a boat for an instance but got luckily made it home O.K.
Fast forward a day later and I'm driving to work and my car starts to rev back and forth, so I go to pull over and it completely stalls out. Well, called my parents and my Dad got it home fine. Let it dry out, he said.
It didn't. Finally I'm driving back to campus and stall out in an intersection, gas smell and I can't move the fucking wheel. Parents once again came to save the day and somehow my Dad got it back to campus by putting it in neutral. He said it stalled out on him about 50 times.
I'm a poor college student who probably DOESN'T have an operating car now.
**tl;dr: Don't drive through puddles in a low car, or else you're fucked. I'm a dumbass for not knowing.**
JeremyR22: Gas smell? When you say 'stalls out' do you mean it just dies, like you're out of gas?
Have you checked the fuel filter? On a lot of cars it's pretty exposed underneath. Probably a long shot because the connections *should* be pretty well sealed but in a really old car, who knows.
Anyway, it's something like a 20 dollar part if that's what it is so you should probably at least have a look at it if it's under the car and could have gone into the water.
platysaur: The wheel locks up and my lights go on when it stalls. I believe this gassy smell is from the exhaust, and I haven't smelled it from my car any other time.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410884552 | 1410924947 | t3_2gkkvh | t5_2to41 | 94 | Stactidder: TIFU by not knowing my girlfriend was adopted.
I had met my girlfriend through her brother, whom I worked with, and had been to her parents house on a couple of occasions and was familiar with them. I knew that her brother had been from a previous relationship, the man he called his father was actually his stepfather. By that logic I followed that she was actually his half-sister, but the distinction seemed irrelevant to them.
Anyhow we were watching football and it happened to be breast cancer awareness month, so many of the players and coaches were wearing pink articles of clothing. I launched into a mini rant about how breast cancer, a disease we have already made tremendous strides in treating, receives all of the media attention. I attempted to make the point that perhaps it was time to reduce the attention given to breast cancer, and instead shift awareness to diseases with a far worse prognosis. During this monologue, I receive a flat stare.
GF: “My mom died of breast cancer.” Death stare.
Me: “……what?”
So she went on to tell me that her mom, dad, and brother were in fact her biological aunt, uncle, and cousin. She had been adopted by her mother’s sister at a young age after her mom had died of breast cancer. She had been raised by them, and called them mom and dad because they were the only parents she had known. I told her brother/cousin about the incident, but he just found my misfortune funny. Heads up would have been nice, bro.
TL;DR- Unwittingly badmouthed breast cancer awareness to a breast cancer orphan.
Frau_Aeron: In all honesty you didn't know. Nor did she mention it to you. I mean I understand why she would get upset, but well you're not a mind reader. Sorry it happened to you OP, next time try not to rant about a disease or a kind of cancer.
Tattycakes: Its a valid point though. Breast cancer gets all the attention.
Frau_Aeron: That's cuz you hear about it so often, I'm sure if they make an awareness month for Alzheimer's you'll hear about that more than often. Besides "Breast cancer is the most common cancer among American women, except for skin cancers. About 1 in 8 (12%) women in the US will develop invasive breast cancer during their lifetime."
edit: Not trying to be preachy, and sorry if it comes off that way. What I'm trying to get at is that depending on where you live, like say America in general you'll hear about it more because it's more common here.
wOlfLisK: They have Alzheimer's awareness all the time but everyone keeps forgetting about it.
HwoThumb: Alzheimer's receives several trillion dollars of research each year, but nobody can remember where they put it.
| 6 | 15.666667 | |
1410885049 | 1410902737 | t3_2gklux | t5_2to41 | 105 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a move on the woman I loved
BigBobsBootyBarn: *You can't turn a hoe into a housewife.*
No but in all seriousness OP, I know those feels. Just realize that you're still great friends and that this is for the best. Why get into a relationship with her and lose her forever when you find out she's cheated on you? This way you still get to keep her in your life, as she obviously means a lot to you.
I am in a situation with a lady friend that is exactly as you've stated. We've been friends for about 10 years, have had mind blowing sex, and at first I thought I wanted to be with her. Turns out I loved the idea of her more, as she will even say that she makes a horrible girlfriend. So we got the best of both worlds.
I get to talk to her and joke as buds would, and we hook up when we're single. Life is funny at times, but I think you'll figure it out. Just be glad to still have her around.
[deleted]: Not this. Cut it off. Dont be her friend,shes clearly not got your best interests in mind
She's clearly not a committed person as your history together, including the most recent occurrence, suggests. She will keep cheating on him with you. She"ll probably go through with the marriage and continue on with you as her loyal side piece. Than one day it'll be found out. You'll both be assholes, and some part of you will think "hey now is our chance,now we can be together!". And she'll do the same to you. Don't put yourself through that, don't put some other guy through that.
JinKazamaAndJuice: I have always liked your comments but this one is clearly more mature then the rest so I feel ok telling you how much I like your comments now.
[deleted]: Outside of a small forum(~15 active members) I never really thought I'd have someone recognize multiple of my comments. This is oddly flattering,thanks for the compliment!
Neon_LoL: recognizable name.
| 6 | 17.5 | |
1410883867 | 1410912019 | t3_2gkjjj | t5_2to41 | 838 | bust-a-move: TIFU by not making sure my bus was empty
This happened last night. I'm 22 just graduated college but I still work at a University driving buses around campus and it was very late at night. Not that many students ride the later it gets and you have some time to pull over the bus and do whatever. I thought I had dropped the last student off and pulled over at an empty stop, turned the lights off in the bus, turned up the radio and started singing very loud and horribly but I didn't care I thought my bus was empty. I also started making fun of some of the other driver that I occasionally hear over our two-way radios. I made fun of how some of them say things because some have New York and Boston accents. Before I pulled away I rolled down the window and let out a huge fart. As I pulled away from the stop I heard the "Stop Requested" announcement and ding and my heart stopped. I turned on the light to see a cute college girl sitting in the way back. I asked her, "why she didn't say anything when I was sitting there for so long?" Her response was, "I looked like I was really enjoying the song and she thought it was funny how I was making fun the other drivers in the dark". She never mentioned me farting though and I know she heard it. From now on I will thoroughly check my bus to make sure no one is on it before pulling over again.
Dannjja_zone: That's not how quotation marks work.
[deleted]: [Actually, that's exactly how they work.](http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/quotation.htm)
Dannjja_zone: > We do not enclose indirect quotations in quotation marks. An indirect quotation reports what someone says but not in the exact, original language. Indirect quotations are not heard in the same way that quoted language is heard.
[deleted]: Are you talking about the "Stop Requested"? I thought you were referring to the conversation between the OP and the girl.
Dannjja_zone: That is what I'm referring to. The conversation he writes out is a pair of indirect quotes. If he were to have instead written
>Her response was, "*You* looked *you* were enjoying the song and *I* thought ..."
then it would have been the correct use of quotation marks. In it's current state the two quotes he uses are "not in the exact, original language," thus they are indirect quotes, which are not enclosed in quotation marks.
[deleted]: How did I miss that? You're right. I guess being up last night made my comprehension suffer.
| 7 | 119.714286 | |
1410883690 | 1410924725 | t3_2gkj85 | t5_2to41 | 85 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleep talking to my grandparents.
So I sleep a lot, I sleep talk a lot, and I'm pretty used to lucid dreaming and drifting in & out.
My grandparents were coming to visit and I knew this, but they turned up grandparentishly early, and I was asleep.
I sleep naked (I know you see where this is going, but it's slightly worse than you'd think) and I'm sprawled out on the bed, face up, legs apart, as usual.
So my grandparents knock on my open front door (it's a sunny day and this is standard), which isn't far away from my bedroom door.
Gramps: Harper? We're here!
Me: BRYEAHHA
Gramps: Can we come in?
Me: BEYEYAYAA
*knock on bedroom door*
Gramps: Harper are you in here?
Me: Yeah yeah.. yeah what's up?
Gramps: Can we come in?
Me: Yeah come in!
So they open the door, but the sound my door makes when it opens creates an alarm in my head that screams "THIS IS NOT A DREAM SOME SHIT IS HAPPENING IN REAL LIFE!"
So my eyes open INTENSELY WIDE and I stick my head up off the bed towards the door in a kind of "FUCKING WELCOME TO MY ROOM, MOTHERFUCKERS" way.
And grandma and gramps are just standing there, and I'm just stuck in this position because I don't understand what's going on, and then they don't understand why I would do this, and then I'm still in that position, and then they start fumbling and go to walk away, and I'm still in that position, and they're like "uh, are you okay" and I'm just still in that position, and then they're like "we'll be in the kitchen", and I'm just... still in that position.
And then I had to get up and go hang out with my grandparents.
computergeekguy: I hope "hang out" with your grandparents is meant figuratively since you got dressed... right?
harperleefinnigan: lol, I did get dressed, but also I have no penis to hang out.
rzmohno: what happened? did you get emancipated?
harperleefinnigan: I'm a woman.
| 5 | 17 | |
1410885324 | 1410903075 | t3_2gkmen | t5_2to41 | 4 | shitty_demon: TIFU by letting pms choose my snacks
sfitznott: Hi shitty_demon, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU by letting pms choose my snacks* has been removed because it violates RULE 10: "All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday." Please feel free to resubmit your story then.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
shitty_demon: Oops! Sorry. That's what I get for posting on mobile and forgetting to double check the rules.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410886776 | 1410899167 | t3_2gkp5y | t5_2to41 | 4 | the_awkward_fyaak: TIFU by portraying myself as a pedophile
So, obviously this happened few years ago.
Small back story: I have a good bond with my distant elder cousin lets call her (R), I respect the way she lives her life and how she has managed her family, she takes advice from me about her kid's education and stuff. She has 2 kids, one girl (09) and one boy (07), and since they are her kids I love them a lot, really a lot.
Usually, I meet them once a year when i visit my native place. So, this time when i went, it was the last year of college, and in the place where i live, getting married as soon as u complete college is a common thing.
So my cousin R started talking to me about marrying her distant cousin, lets call her S. And i hated S, she was the whore of that locality and i knew it. But, my cousin R kept on requesting me to marry S, I took that marriage talk for few weeks but one day i snapped, When she asked me again to marry S, i told her, the only girl i wanna marry from this place is your daughter..... Yes, I proposed to marry her 9 year old daughter. With a weird smile on both of our face we ended abruptly.
She stopped calling me or taking my advice, her daughter is not allowed to even stand in same premises as me. I really hate myself for doing that even after so many, i feel really bad. I lost a good relation with my cousin and also my niece..
As they say, be careful with your words
P.S. 1st TIFU post and since i found this thread my work life has been not so boring
throwawaychilder: Need more context. Were you just referring to a promise you m made to the daughter when she was younger or something, or did you mean what you said?
the_awkward_fyaak: No promise, its what came out of my mouth... and obviously saying such stuff to a mother of 9 yr old was not right....
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410883525 | 1410899171 | t3_2gkixt | t5_2to41 | 32 | sexylittleatoms: TIFU by having an orgasm at the doctor's office....
Where to begin....I'm not sure whether to be proud of this or just mortified beyond belief....
Yesterday I had an appointment to have my nexplanon birth control implant replaced (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nexplanon, for those unfamiliar). It is supposed to be a simple surgical procedure; in and out in under an hour.
So the procedure goes pretty well, except that my old implant had "migrated" a bit, and the doctor had to do some "hunting" to find it. Cue my initial unease when the word "hunting" comes out of the doctors mouth... He said the incision was just a little larger than usual but I shouldn't have any complications, and bandaged me up. Cool, we're done, or so I think....
The nurse has me sit up, tells me to stay put so she can get my care instructions, and everyone leaves the room while I recover. A minute or two later, I'm starting to feel sweaty and nauseated, I think because I was still squeamish about the incision and I could feel the implant in my arm every time I moved.
Suddenly, my vision gets narrow, and the edges are closing in, so I lie down and promptly black the fuck out.
I'm not sure how long I was out, but when I start coming to, I am having this vivid hallucination that I'm having sex. And not knowing that I was hallucinating, I start to get really into it. Moaning and rocking my hips, breathing heavily....until my eyes pop open and I'm laying on the table in the docs office. Fuck.
Lucky for me, no one was in the room. Not lucky for me, shortly after I realized what was going on, the nurse comes back in and sees me looking pale as a ghost and covered in sweat and wouldn't let me leave the office without a ride home. >.< That was an embarrassing phone call to make...
Tl;Dr: Had my birth control implant replaced, body was so excited to not be having babies that I had a spontaneous orgasm in the doctors office.
Bnlol1: You didn't tell the nurse you blacked out? That's not fucking normal, you needed to have told her when she came back in.
Also, if you were pale, having a hard time breathing, in a altered state of consciousness (hallucinations, blacking out) and sweating, it sounds like shock. Luckily it wasn't or you would be dead now, but that nurse (or anyone with even basic first aid certification) would immediately check if you're ok, and check for symptoms of shock. Did the nurse check your blood pressure or anything before driving you home?
sexylittleatoms: I told her, and apparently I was the second person that day to faint. It was very warm in the room we were in, something both the nurse and the doctor mentioned before beginning, so they brought me a fan and water and monitored me until I regained color and proper temperature. She made me first sit for a long time, then stand in place, and finally watched me move around a bit before releasing me and giving me an emergency number to call if i had any more issues.
I think I may have had low blood sugar as well, as the appointment interfered with my usual meal schedule....all around pretty good FU potential.
Bnlol1: Alright, good. I was worried she had just come back inside and drove you home. The way you worded it made me think that was how it had gone down. Glad you're ok though.
Just finished my First Aid, CPR and AED course, and im reading up on the EMT-B course i plan to take in a couple of years, so when i heard you had blacked out and thought you were untreated i just got kind of worried
sexylittleatoms: Lol, didnt realize it could come off that way. I had to call my rommate to pick me up, the nurse didnt drive me. But the call was like "hey, i blacked the eff out during my routine procedure, and i cant drive now....do me a solid and come pick me up?"
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1410887861 | 1410983632 | t3_2gkrd6 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Sgt_Bilbo: TIFU by listening to my doctor
Technically this was yesterday, but the effects hit me today. I had a follow up appointment with my doctor to get a med refill and he suggested I get a flu shot while I was there. Since I have two young kids at home, I certainly don't want them sick, so I agreed. So the nurse comes in with 2 syringes... That's odd, I just expected one. Turns out I was due for a tetanus booster, so I agreed to have both. No problems after the shots, so I go home and enjoy my evening.
This morning, I have aches and chills and feel like absolute shit. Serves me right for getting two inoculations at once. Thanks, Doc!
Stormygeddon: I doubt it was for taking them at the same time, it's probably one or the other causing the trouble.
Sgt_Bilbo: Probably so. However, since I can't identify the culprit, I'm blaming both.
RetroVirus001x: Its the Flu shot. You've basically got the Flu.
It happened to me a few years back and I know a few other people who have been ill after getting the shot
PM_me_your_evilgrin: Username checks out. This guy knows his stuff.
REPOsPuNKy: I haven't gotten my Flu shot in almost 10 years. Its been longer than that since i was last sick too.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1410889196 | 1410902609 | t3_2gku09 | t5_2to41 | 6 | 8lackJack8lack: TIFU by swearing while going through immigration at LAX.
My 2 week dream trip to Vegas began with a 36 hour transit from Australia via Hong Kong to L.A. I had not slept a wink during that 36 hours and as we begun the final hour of flight time into LAX, the hostess handed out immigration declaration forms. I asked her if my partner and I need to write out 1 or 2? The answer was "because we are together, just 1".
So we endure a 2 hour line in immigration and finally reach the desk. This is when things went downhill quickly. The immigration officer stated that we actually needed 2 immigration forms because our last names are different.
"Ohhhh... for fuck's sake!", I uttered in an extremely tired and frustrated mood.
(I need to clarify that in Australia, this is a common phrase of frustration)
We fixed up the problem and I turned around to 2 transit police officers with hands on their holstered guns. "Come with us, Sir".
So now I was marched off to the immigration detention room at LAX. During my 20 minute wait in the waiting room, there were 3 Asian girls quietly fixated with their smartphones. They also happened to be sitting under some obvious "no cellular phones" signs. Right before I was to be interviewed, a transit officer walked out to sight of 3 people ignoring some quite obvious signage.
"God damn! ... How many times do I have to tell these people!"
He walks along in front of the girls and quickly snatches up all the offending phones to howls of protest.
I am summoned to an interview room by the phone snatching officer, expecting to be grilled over some bit of my luggage or there being a problem with my Visa. No.... I was shocked when the first question was... "Sir, why did you swear at immigration"
I quickly explain that my cuss words weren't aimed personally at anyone, just that they are common expression of frustration in Australia. "Just like 'God Damn' is used in frustration in America."
The transit officer chuckled realising I had seen his phone confiscation and after a few bits of paperwork, he sent me on my way to enjoy my holiday.
... but "for fuck's sake" America. Does the 1st Amendment still exist or what?
BClark09: *... but "for fuck's sake" America. Does the 1st Amendment still exist or what?*
In the last decade and change, we've seen some erosion of the first, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eight amendments. But hey, feel free to buy a gun while you're here and have some (nonviolent) fun.
Hope the rest of your trip is slightly less eventful than your arrival!
ZeroSumHappiness: Need to have a green card to legally buy a gun. State laws may add additional impediments. Renting or borrowing are better options for visitors.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410882380 | 1411141172 | t3_2gkgu7 | t5_2to41 | 20 | here2live: TIFU by getting high before class.
Long story short. I got way too high and proceeded to go to class. Was watching vines with my headphones on. And of course one made me laugh so hard that I was Laughing out loud. Then I sneezed and a shit load of snot came running down my face, dripping all over my desk.
lakeweed: go on, I want to hear the details
here2live: I have been sick with a cold lately. And have had an abnormal amount of phlegm and snot. And it kinda just ran out my nose and onto My shirt, desk, and books. I was a mess.
Anyway, here's the vine that made me loose my shit if your interested: https://vine.co/v/M5eKhwLvFPg
lakeweed: i read that as boobs
here2live: Lol?
| 5 | 4 | |
1410890916 | 1410914261 | t3_2gkxe5 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Aspiredkiddo: TIFU by having morning sex.
Background: Day before incident, the BF and I were enjoying ourselves and he quickly brought me to intense orgasm. Let's just say, I was definitely squirting and he loved it!
Next morning, we were feeling it again and next thing we know - it's sexy time again. He really want me to squirt again, just like the day before. The similar feeling is here againn. It was that same feeling I got before squirting. He brought me to intense orgasm, once again. I was squirting way too much, I thought. So I ran to the toilet to pee. Well, a lot of pee came out so I thought maybe I didn't pee after all. As I was cleaning up, the BF ran in the restroom screaming, "it's pee!!!!" And hopped right into the shower.
TL;DR: TIFU by having morning sex and orgasmed by squirting pee on my BF.
smjpilot: doesn't matter; had sex
Devil_Dog_: I think she might have been a racist
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410891161 | 1410923843 | t3_2gkxuy | t5_2to41 | 38 | notValzor: TIFU by inviting 700 guys to lunch on tinder
So today I fucked up by making a fake account on facebook and creating a new Tinder account. The account was a very attractive female (I'm a dude), with about 30 minutes of swiping right and waiting like 36 hours I had 700 matches. I messaged a large majority of them offering them a lunch date at a local Qdoba. I responded to some of them who seemed interested to make it more real and persuade them to come.
So on the date, I went and parked in a parking lot near the restaurant to watch it all happen. As minutes went by I watched cars and cars pull up and single guys walk inside. There were about 50 guys or so that I estimated went in.
I had my fun and I was about ready to leave and my friend I was with got out of my car and ran over to the restaurant. I followed him. He was yelling at everyone what was going on and I was the culprit. I got back in my car and drove off.
hatefist: Wait... so you have nothing better to do than pretending to be a woman and luring guys in to Qdoba?
Is this legal?
[deleted]: More like nothing better else to do than pretending that he pretended to be a woman and lured guys to Qdoba. This seems pretty made up.
notValzor: this is not made up bro.. 100% real everything happened
PrimalPurpose: Yeah, but you would say that
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1410891417 | 1410906873 | t3_2gkyd9 | t5_2to41 | 93 | wpeu: TIFU by mishearing the lyrics of a Pink Floyd song
You probably know the song "Wish you were here". Now, I'm pretty good at understanding English and I do my studies in English. My problem sometimes is understanding what people say (that's a reason why I watch movies with English subtitles so I won't miss a thing).
So Pink Floyd at one point in the song says something like "For a lead role in a cage?" but that's not how I hear it. I ALWAYS hear it as "for a negro in a cage".
I always wanted to look up the lyrics but for some stupid reason I never did. So I was talking to a few friends (among them Africans of origin as well) and somehow Pink Floyd came up and without thinking I said "Hey, why does Pink Floyd mean by negro in a cage in this song? ". Well, turns out he didn't say that as I soon found out.
That was one of the most awkward moments I've lived through.
LegendofPedro: And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
HolyPixels: [Indeed]
(http://www.lyricsondemand.com/p/pinkfloydlyrics/wishyouwereherelyrics.html)
YCYC: Just like two fish bowls in the machine..
HolyPixels: I guess yours is fucked idk..
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1410891980 | 1411507289 | t3_2gkzha | t5_2to41 | 214 | [deleted]: TIFU my masturbating in front of my mom
Like most people on here my TIFU didn't happen today, this actually happened a few months ago, it's probably the most embarrassing thing to happen in my life. Worst of all it was my mother who witnessed this horrendous display, and I have to see her every day and remember it.
It started off by me returning home from school, I was tired so I proceeded to take a nap. Every now and then I have some ***wild*** dreams, and on this day I happened to have a *pretty wild one*. In the midst of this dream I was partially awoken by my mother shouting down to me "dinner is ready!"
I awoke in a state of sleepwalking and my first thought was "let's go to the kitchen to get that food!" but yet at that point I was still dreaming about banging... and there was food, yum.
I got out of bed, dick in hand, and started walking out of my bedroom to the kitchen (while masturbating). I don't know what I was thinking, I only know that I was mostly in dream land with models and had been told there was food in the kitchen.
When I stumbled into the kitchen I was greeted by the *horrific screams* of my mother, who must have been wondering why her son was jerking off in front of her. Shocked by her screams, I quickly dashed out of the kitchen and went back into bed to sleep. I woke up about an hour later and thought the whole thing was a dream.
So I get out of bed thinking "what a fucking weird, crazy dream"... yet I distinctly remembered my mom screaming at me and thought "wait a minute... that could have been real". I go to talk to her and attempted to phrase my question as best as I could. It went "did you call me to come get dinner and then did something happen?" Her reply was "I'm not going to talk about what you were doing"... Fuck my life, it **did** happen.
I went back into my bedroom and hibernated for a few weeks before returning to normal life and being able to see her face without cringing. Later that day I actually did end up talking to her again, I explained that I was sleepwalking and she understood; I commonly sleepwalk and she knows about it so this wasn't too extreme for her to comprehend.
TLDR; sleepwalking while horny caused me to masturbate in front of my mom and almost scare her to death.
Edit: added information regarding me discussing my sleepwalking with my mom.
smjpilot: what was for dinner?
SHEEP_SHAGGER_: Mom's spaghetti.
[deleted]: He's nervous
_V115_: His palms are sweaty.
Jansl22: His knees are weak.
Hunter_x1: His arms are heavy
listerinefreak: There's vomit on his sweater already.
HollywoodLook: But on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop...
| 9 | 23.777778 | |
1410891771 | 1410971356 | t3_2gkz2k | t5_2to41 | 531 | Bonergum: TIFU by eating cialis laced gum before walking into an exam.
Ok, so this spring my friend drunkenly gave me a cialis during a night out and I put it in my pocket and never took it. Upon wearing the same pants the next day I awkwardly pulled it out on accident and promptly stuffed it in the tiny top pocket of my back pack and have forgot about it until today. A few days ago it rained really hard on campus during my 20 minute walk to my next class and I got stuck in it long enough to have my backpack soak through. Today I arrived at class 25 minutes early to review some notes and relax before the exam and I found 2 loose pieces of trident gum in the tiny top pocket of my backpack to chew while I studied.
Anyway, I'm in class about halfway done with this exam and I start to get that little random boner tingle that *usually* goes away with some concentration. All of the sudden my Johnson is flooded with enough blood to potentially save a life and it's exam day at 8:00 am so naturally I'm in sweatpants and a hoody. My penis is now rock hard and very visible underneath the tiny desk that is covering it. I got finished with the exam and still was probably the hardest I've every been in my life. I had to sit and wait for all of the people surrounding me to finish and leave just praying nobody in the row in front of me or people next to me would notice before I could tuck and run.
The boner subsided once I made it out in the cold but before that I had to conquer the stairs and avoid any close encounters with any collisions in the hallway.
TL;DR- ate some gum in my bag that absorbed a cialis when my bag got drenched before taking an exam.
XMATIC_4: "my Johnson is flooded with enough blood to potentially save a life and it's exam day at 8:00 am"
I loled really hard
ChevroletAndIceCream: Op has a calling to emergency medicine.
Bonergum: Med student lol
SmokedBeef: Quick OP, add a minor in bio-chem then perfect this recipe of boner gum and patent that shit!!
annduz: THIS
| 6 | 88.5 | |
1410894331 | 1410895441 | t3_2gl426 | t5_2to41 | 7 | RedHotLedZep: TIFU by touching my "berries" after handling Habanero peppers while cooking.
Fellow men! Never repeat my mistake! I am sitting here with my manhood in an ice cold glass of water while my girlfriend is laughing her ass off. Wash your hands thoroughly after handling such spices.
Clarifcation: I finished the dish and then went to the bathroom to take a wizz.
Dr_Onion_Rings: Yeah, use milk. Then when you're done you've got a refreshing glass of warm, spicy balls-milk.
TerramuggusHolmes: Reminds me of christian finnegan's bit about using a cucumber as a dildo, and then "after you can dice it up for a tasty salad or something".
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410894441 | 1410958704 | t3_2gl493 | t5_2to41 | 13 | junglecrawling: TIFU by telling my gf she doesn't have to be clean shaven
So my gf and I have a healthy sex life, no problems there.
Anyway, I told my gf ever since we dated that I had no problem with her not grooming all the time as I don't mind some hair, just to keep it reasonable as I don't want to be taking the next tour through the amazon. Which has been the case since.
Well yesterday (she's a little hairy nbd) I flip her around and take her doggy, i found a one way ticket to brazil and that's when my fears came to fruition, the jungle between her ass cheeks was so bad I almost lost my erection immediately. I don't even know how to go about this without scarring her.
TheodoorfromJaffa: Why don't you shave her?
jdemo75: i shave my wife, it's kind of fun.
chickenfriedpossum: My pregnant wife wants me to shave her but im really nervous about it because i get muscle spasms and have cut myself before
jdemo75: i would start with her legs until you get comfortable with it. watch as she shaves the rest. for "learning purposes" :) my guess would be that your spasms get worse when you are anxious. get comfortable doing non-sensitive parts first.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1410895139 | 1410898146 | t3_2gl5kp | t5_2to41 | 5 | a-non-a-mouse: TIFU by peeing my pants...a little bit...and its reddits fault...kinda
This morning was super busy at work as I am now doing both my job and my employers job because he is lazy and knows I'll do all the work anyway. I bring my large metal bottle of water with me everyday to make sure I stay hydrated throughout the day. Since we were so busy I didn't even take the time to go pee and just held it all morning. Just as we slowdown and I have a free second I start reading reddit and get distracted. At this point I figure I will just wait till lunch as the bathrooms at work aren't the best. I get to the restaurant for lunch having had over a half gallon of water in the last 4 hours plus my 32oz coffee on my hour long commute this morning. I place a quick order and head for the restrooms. At this point the urge to pee has increased so bad I'm pinching my penis trying to hold back the pee. My bladder is actually pulsating its so full. Its a small family restaurant with one restroom and of course it's occupied. I stand there with the look of dismay in my eyes which I think were leaking pee not tears. I wait as the urge increases 10 fold. The door opens and I bust in there before the other person could even get out of the way. I unzip and BAM...freaking button up boxers, of course the only pair of button ups I have,...my hands were shaking as I fumbled hurriedly through the buttons when it happens. The pee starts to leak out no matter how hard I tried to stop it. The PC muscle just gave out. I had pee in my boxers, in my pants, and going down my leg. I got the button undone and managed to semi-aim away from my body towards the toilet. Now I have to go into the restaurant get my lunch and go back to work with pissy underwear and pants...If I would have just skipped checking reddit and gone to pee I wouldn't be typing this in wet draws...
TL;DR Peed in my pants because I was busy checking reddit and to dumb to go pee.
wwickeddogg: Pour water from the sink all over your pants and just tell people you turned the faucet too high and got splashed.
DoomTaru: true story.. i once worked with a alcoholic and we all knew he was a alcoholic despite him trying and for the most part doing a good job of hiding it. Well he was scheduled to close which hardly ever happens but he was covering someones shift. I guess being that it was later in the day he showed up kinda tipsy and then proceeded to drink his normal intake during the shift leading him to being a little more tanked then usual. Well at the end of the night there are a few cleaning tasks which got divided up between workers: vacuuming/restocking/mopping the tile area etc. For the mopping part we had a hose that attaches to the faucet so you could fill the mop bucket. he comes out of the back wet stain from dick to ankle of obvious piss down the front of his khakis and tries to tell me (then assistant manager) that he saw the hose but he just didn't know the hose was on and that somehow the hose drenched the front of his pants. I being the nice guy shrugged it off and told him to just go home and change and never reported him. but i totally knew. this excuse never works
wwickeddogg: Doesn't have to work, just has to make OP feel better.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410895078 | 1410909108 | t3_2gl5h5 | t5_2to41 | 90 | [deleted]: TIFU by complimenting a family on their gorgeous baby.
I just got back from the mall. A mall I will never return to again if I can avoid it.
After doing my shopping, I went to the crowded food court.
I sat down with my imitation Chinese food. While I was eating, I glanced to my left. At the next table, close enough that I could reach over practically, was a mother cradling her BEAUTIFUL baby. I mean, this kid was adorable! He was no more than 12 months old, and was exactly what you imagine a perfect baby would look like. Startling blue eyes, flawless skin, light feathery hair. Just a picture-perfect little child. Not crying, just peacefully being a baby.
I felt compelled to give my compliments to his equally attractive mother. I proceeded to give a 5 minute discourse on how cherubic the child was, how proud she must be, angelic demeanor, etc..... the whole nine years.
As I'm droning on, she is getting more and more uncomfortable. Toward the end of my spiel, her husband arrives with his own plate of food from another vendor. He immediately furrowed his brow and stared at me menacingly.
I thought to myself "what the hell, people, I'm complimenting you on a beautiful.....". Then I saw it.
She was breastfeeding the kid all this time. I had been too caught up staring at the kid's robin-blue eyes to realize. To her, it looked like I was perving out and had been staring at her partly exposed nipple the whole time.
I felt myself flush from head to toe. I gave out a "omg, I'm... I didn't realize... I". That's as much as I could get out. I grabbed my tray of completely uneaten food, dumped it in the trash can, and skedaddled away from there.
TLDR: Angelic baby eyes hypnotized me and kept me from realizing the sight-line made it look like I was perving out to an exposed lactating nipple.
ethicalpentester: Who breast-feeds in a public place and expects not to draw attention to their lactating nipple? It's as if a guy shitting in the middle of the street expects that people won't look at him.
HopelessSemantic: They're hardly the same thing.
ethicalpentester: Extremely similar, if not the same.
HopelessSemantic: How so? One is feeding a child, and possibly exposing a small part of a chest. The other is fully exposing your privates and doing something gross and unsanitary in a public place where someone will have to clean it up.
ethicalpentester: The guy mentioned 'lactating nipple.' And obviously, you've never been to India. People here shit on the roads all the time. You just have to NOT look at them and walk away.
HopelessSemantic: He mentioned part of a nipple. Oh my goodness, part of a nipple. How horrifying.
Well, that's just gross. We don't do that here, and it's still not NEARLY the same thing.
ethicalpentester: Lol. I dunno man, in India, that is considered pretty bad. Its like an open invitation to check out her rack, no?
HopelessSemantic: No. If a woman is breastfeeding, she is trying to feed her child. Its not an invitation to look. It's not about you. Avert your eyes.
ethicalpentester: Or she could do it in a way that doesn't expose anything. Then nobody would bother looking.
HopelessSemantic: Actually, I know from experience that even if the woman if fully covered, if someone knows what she's doing, she'll still get dirty looks and comments. The problem is that it is not at all easy to be completely covered since babies, in general, do not like having their faces covered.
ethicalpentester: Absolutely! I guess some women just don't notice!
HopelessSemantic: Don't notice what, that their baby doesn't want to be covered? I think it's more that some babies are more agreeable. When my son was young he just flat out refused to nurse if his face was even partially covered, and he'd kick/grab at blankets and such and pull them down so he wasn't covered at all.
ethicalpentester: This, I did not know. Look, it's a risk that women take. I'm not supporting the ones that ogle. But I'm not saying that its completely their fault either. It's a male instinct, tbh. But wow, what you just said changed my perspective about this.
| 14 | 6.428571 | |
1410896032 | 1410896199 | t3_2gl79a | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU BY SCREAMING OUTSIDE A FRIENDS HOUSE AT 1300 hrs
Its a normal day and we start planning out things for the evening and finally decide to watch a movie at our friend's theater ! we are 4 guys and i am supposed to leave the other two at their respective place. all goes good with the movie (we watched "fast and the furious")
which gave us an adrenaline rush , haha ! i go back to leave my friend at his place and we start shouting like crazy not noticing the cops who were passing by and then as i started the car this friend of mine shouts on the top of his voice saying we're robbers ! we managed to make our ways out to see a cop car following us and asking us to stop ! we stopped and we were taken for some tests because they thought we were high , after which our parents were called to bail us out for public nuisance ! so this is how we fucked up.
EDIT - i am not high ! i just mean 0100 hrs !
asharkey3: And this all happened at 1 in the afternoon....?
patronous77: this is the second fuck up ! i meant 0100hrs
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410896864 | 1410897883 | t3_2gl8ti | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by being so high I was fluent in spanish
This was actually back in highschool. I was just coming off being grounded for a long time. Friends of convinced me to wake and bake. Maybe the 3rd time I had ever smoked.
I agreed, we smoked, went to school. First class, Spanish 5 AP. We had a movie that day and Spanish snacks. Fucking stoked.
Start watching pans labrynth. Great movie. Had not seen it before that. I was sucked in. It was beautiful. Everything about it was amazing. Its about an hour in when I realize they are suddenly speaking Spanish. I was so mesmerized that I kind of forgot where I was. Out loud I abruptly asked "When did they stop speaking English?"
This was greeted by laughter, confusion, and annoyance from a couple people who realized how stoned off my ass I was. Evidently I was so high that while reading the subtitles, my mind was not processing the Spanish audio. I guess when it was wearing off I was more concerned with the audio but didn't realize that at the time.
I definitely did not blend in well in a fifth year AP class.
Kmonik: Sooo.... now u get high before spanish class for good grades? x)
smoketheevilpipe: Actually pulled an A in the class but failed the AP test miserably. In grad school now. Not for Spanish though.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410897540 | 1410976184 | t3_2gla4g | t5_2to41 | 12 | GoldenPiggey: TIFU by eating cookies
This happened a while back, when I was 6, but another story on here has inspired me to do this.
So young, innocent me goes to my grandpa's house while my parents are out for the weekend. I get there and my grandpa (a rather active old dude at the time) drives out to do something. I am left in a large house with television and food - heaven. I strut into the kitchen with a sense of ownership of everything in there, and I find the motherload. Cookies. **COOKIES**. I am a 6 year old child and I have found fucking **cookies**. I take out like 4 packets and down them all within the hour.
About an hour and a half after I finished the last packet of cookies, I feel like I have to use the bathroom, so I run to the toilet and proceed to take the largest dump of my young life. I clogged the toilet with my hard-as-steel poop, but being the young badass that I am, I walk away and dont give it a second thought.
After watching some tv for about 15 more min (my booty was burning for a while before that after the large poop) I have to poop again. I find another toilet in the house cuz im not poopin in no already-pooped-in toilet. I clog this toilet and feel like my anus is gonna rip and ill pull a [southpark](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/bczOxg2JoJM/maxresdefault.jpg). I shit the largest fucking shit in my life and tear up in the pain.
I eventually clog the second toilet and then go about my buisness watching tv. Grandpa gets back, goes to use the bathroom and finds a clogged toilet. Grandpa is now heated as fuck and he goes to find me, in a blanket of cookie wrappers, watching tv. "GoldenPiggey, why did you eat all of my digestive biscuits?" he said. *digestive biscuits*. **DIGESTIVE** **BISCUITS**. I have to unclog the toilets, and our story ends with me learning how to unclog a toilet as an innocent, young child with a painful ass.
tl;dr I eat grandpa's digestive cookies and proceed to clog every toilet in the house. I also has a painful ass afterwards.
WackyTheMadOne: Digestive biscuits?
GoldenPiggey: Basically the same effect as prunes. Old people eat em then they shit. **ALOT**.
WackyTheMadOne: But I eat them everyday in massive quantities and I didnt even know they were for shitting, you talking about the UK digestive bicuit right?
GoldenPiggey: Not the UK digestive biscuit, I'm Jamaican. This is a Jamaican digestive biscuit story. I don't know what was in that shit but we Jamaicans go hard. I wouldn't surprised if I met a Jamaican that brushed their teeth with goat blood.
WackyTheMadOne: Damn, and here I am sipping tea eating a UK digestive and you tell me about Jamaican digestive biscuits that make you shit intense as fuck.
| 6 | 2 | |
1410897932 | 1410917813 | t3_2glave | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking my email
Ever since I downloaded Gmail on my iphone i always got a notification whenever i received an email so I never actually checked my email manually, until today.
Anyway, I did my UCAS applications a year ago and my favourite university gave me a conditional offer but they didn't mention if there was a deadline for what they demanded from me, so I thought I'd take my time, turns out they emailed me that there WAS actually a deadline. Read that email a month after the deadline. And now I'm left with no university at all. Woohoo!
SheenLantern: That's why you don't just assume things.
himynameis000: "Because when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me."
| 3 | 2 | |
1410898061 | 1410902163 | t3_2glb3f | t5_2to41 | 13 | ifuckedupveryverybad: TIFU by leaving my Facebook logged in
Oh reddit, I fucked up bad...
Using throwaway account :P
**Backstory**
It all started way back 4 or 5 years ago, me and this guy were friends, we had been acquaintances for a few years before that, but never really good friends. We'll come him O. So me and this guy done everything together (no homo). We were literally the best of friends. But all good friendships have to end at some point. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend (we'll call her P) so as you can guess he was pretty pissed. He's a guy who will get angry at the slightest thing. So you can probably gather he was pretty pissed at everyone. I tried to comfort him but he was just to angry. So I told his ex-girlfriend to maybe try to talk to him, get him to come round. So all that happened. She later then came over to me and was telling me what he said. He seemed fine about it all and seemed to have calmed down. Later that night someone from school text me on Facebook saying, " Heard you're dating 0's ex. WTF dude, you are meant to be his friend." I didn't reply. Someone must have seen me and P in the corridor and decided it would be funny if they made a rumor I was dating P. I asked P if she knew anything about it. Answer was no. I slept a very curious boy that night. Word got round to O. He fell out with me and decided he was never going to talk to me again.
**Fast** **forward** **to** **today.**
So I was hanging with some friends watching Netfilx etc. I went on my phone to check Facebook, and decided I needed to release the kraken from my bowels. So I proceed to set my phone down, head off to the toilet. I came back and saw my phone missing from the table and in the hands of my dear friend. He was laughing like crazy. I snatched my phone from him. My face turned red. I saw a photo of O on the screen with the words 'HA GAY' written underneath it. With my name ontop of that dreadful comment. It was too late to delete as O had already commented saying 'Watch your back dude.' O works the fuck out now. He is the most muscular person in our school. I am scared shitless. Reddit please help. I will post an update as it comes. I fucked up bad.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: lol. are you in ninth grade.
joeym40: some bad grammar, my answer is yes.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1410898048 | 1410929157 | t3_2glb2l | t5_2to41 | 5 | EVAMK6: TIFU by microwaving chicken leg on a glass plate
So, hungry me wanted to heat up a delicious piece of chicken leg. Being a lazy ass, i grab the nearest object that could contain the chicken instead of using other trustworthy dishwares. Which happened to be this new promotional glass plate my mom got from buying stuff at the supermarket. As the microwave start spinning, the mouthwatering smell of chicken start to come out, followed by a not so pleasant sound of something cracking. After taking the plate out, i noticed there was really a small crack inside it. I dismissed it as nothing serious and just lay the plate near the sink. Later that day, when i'm back from school, i noticed my mom hand is covered in scratch and bandages. According to her the plate shattered and cut her hand,she didn't know why.
dralcax: What kind of shitty plate is that?
EVAMK6: buy 2 bottles of soy sauce get one plate for free
| 3 | 1.666667 |
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