start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1410896994 | 1410922912 | t3_2gl937 | t5_2to41 | 14 | CharlieM23: TIFU by forgetting to delete search history
A friend was suggesting an app, sitting next to me. Opened up Play Store, immediately shows my search history, the most recent search being for a vibrator app. -__
Baresark: "Oh I was looking for a joke birthday present for <insert friends name here>"
Or just turn to them and say "yeah? What? I'm a horny bitch!"
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Second one. Friends joke with friends about sex.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410896700 | 1410998183 | t3_2gl8im | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU I returned engagement ring by mail and it was lost
I've been dating my girlfriend for over 2 years now and I wanted to propose to her this October on her birthday. Two months ago I started looking for a ring. I don't have much money but I wanted to get her a nice ring. I went to sites like bluenile and local jewelry stores but everything was very expensive. I saw some ads for eBay and I saw some seemingly nice rings there for much cheaper (I know I shouldn't have ordered a ring from eBay). They were advertised as being new with real diamonds. I browsed eBay and saw a diamond I liked for a great price.
I ended up ordering a 2 carat ring for $5000 (I know too good to be true), but that is almost my entire life savings so it seems like a lot of money to me. I wasn't too worried at the time because the seller had eBay's buyer protection and guaranteed refund. I figured I'd return it if it wasn't what I wanted.
The ring was delivered to me mid august, and of course it wasn't as nice as described and there were some obvious flaws in the diamond and setting. I contacted the seller and they agreed to give me full refund once I returned the item. So I went to the local USPS and paid for shipping with tracking and registered mail. I didn't pay for insurance because it was a fair amount of money (I'm an idiot).
The item was being shipped to Israel so I figured it take some time. Initially I got updates the first few days until August 16 where it said it was processing at NY. There no tracking updates after that but I wasn't too worried because I read online that sometimes this happens with international shipping.
I contact USPS over this past weekend because eBay said they were going to close my case soon with no refund if the shipping didn't get updated. I contact the seller and they said they haven't received the package yet. Subsequently, I contacted USPS and they said they would have to open an inquiry which would take 60 days because Israel uses paper records. I notified eBay and they said I have until Sept 21 to give them updated tracking info with proof of delivery else my case will be closed without refund.
Overall this has been a horrible experience for me and I don't know what to do. I have no money for another ring and I don't even know who I can talk to about this. I know my girlfriend is hinting at getting engaged and we just went to her friends wedding together and everyone was teasing us about it. I just feel very helpless and have serious doubts of ever seeing the money again.
jonb622: Why would you ever buy something as serious as an engagement ring on ebay??? Seems like a necessity to see it and buy it in person. While it may ruin the surprise of your proposal, I'd probably tell your girlfriend about what happened.
pmrhobo: I definitely thought about telling her, but I don't think it would make anything better at this time other than we'd both me miserable. I don't want to have her engagement start into such a horrible way.
devals: I think it's considerate and sweet of you not to tell her, I'd certainly appreciate it. It shows you care for her selflessly. And honestly, I'd be pretty disappointed to learn of my bf's proposal plans this way- I'd feel bad for him, worried about the money, and always a slight, nagging sense of anxiety about the replacement ring as a frivolous expense.
Besides, marriage is a lifetime commitment, it can wait a few more months if worse comes to worse (if the relationship can't hold out for this delay, there'd be no point in getting married). No need to take the spontaneity out of things with a burdensome story when it solves nothing. Chin up, before clicking I assumed the reason for the return was a rejected proposal- things could be worse! =)
lord_sherlock_holmes: i would tell her in a way that would make her feel guilty. I would say that I was planning on doing this but there were some problems that have not been worked out. I promise to tell them to you when the time is right. Or....I would get a cheerio and do it and then tell her the story with promise to upgrade the cheerio when all is resolved.
devals: ^ This, all of it, sounds exactly like something my ex would do. Ugh..
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1410898470 | 1410956316 | t3_2glbx2 | t5_2to41 | 20 | Wanderer616: TIFU by not wrapping it up properly [possibly misleading title]
So I'm a cook in a restaurant down in Mexico and we make fresh juice every morning. Generally I am fantastic at this, but last night was Mexico's independence day, so I was out a bit late and a little slow this morning. We use this MASSIVE blender for making our juices, but being Mexico we don't have all the parts so it is lacking a top. To overcome this issue we wrap the top with plastic wrap. So I get it all ready and turn it on, everything is going fine and I shut it down. I notice it just needs one more second on there and this is when it all goes wrong. The moment I turn it on there is an explosion of green juice EVERYWHERE. So for the rest of the day I walk around looking like the grinch.
CheeseAddiction: Very misleading title.
_CARLOX_: Not really, thanks to the warning in the title I knew this was about using plastic wrap on the top of a blender because of it's missing top.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1410898675 | 1410967528 | t3_2glcbc | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU When my manager got an IM I mistakenly sent to her, about her.
Well, just got out of a meeting this morning which put all of us behind on our work by atleast 2 hours. So when i ran back to tell my coworker that "i've taken shits for 2 hours that were more productive than her meeting", and heard the "hmmmm" behind me.... i realized my mistake...
cherylannmarie: So how's the job search going?
[deleted]: Sadly enough, she didn't give me too much shit. Now i just get to hear about this incident everytime her bff comes by to chitchat.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410902880 | 1410980100 | t3_2glelv | t5_2to41 | 9 | hatefist: and alimony
cherylannmarie: Not a long term marriage to warrant alimony. Not only that a judge is going to tell her to get a god damn job because there's absolutely no reason WHY she shouldn't be working.
ThePlunge: With a good lawyer wouldn't the divorce favor him? I mean she hasn't really made a good faith effort at getting a job, and the issue has been discussed.
cherylannmarie: Absolutely.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410900932 | 1410936566 | t3_2glgsu | t5_2to41 | 10,884 | DanHero91: TIFU by defeating the Elite Four at the worst point in a very important conference call.
Do I get bonus points for this happening today? Little back story, I hate my job with a passion. I excelled very far in a certain field and got all other roles takes away from me to focus on this mind numbing process that I can apparently break records in.
I have a semi-private office, and can get away with playing on my phone most days, if certain people aren't in that day I can get away with Netflix. But the safe option has always been just playing around on my phone, since my data allowance starting taking a real chomp when I found a new way to speed up my working routine, I decided to switch to my old Pokemon games, Fire Red for those that must know.
So over the last two weeks, I've managed to train myself up a good little team, decided that I wouldn't use any legendaries or cheat codes to get certain Pokemon. Leaving the only real challenge for the most part was catching a Dratini in the safari zone. I hadn't played a new pokemon game since Silver/Gold/Crystal. And Fire Red was a recent purchase to relive old glories. So trying to remember the weaknesses / evolutions / everything else to be the best, like no one ever was. It actually turned out to be quite challenging, and really enjoyable.
Until the Elite Four, I was fucking up pretty much all day Monday, maybe two or three hours worth of playing and I'd fall at either Lance or the Ghost woman. Simple mistakes or risks that I shouldn't take, I had a splitting headache so I wasn't concentrating that much anyway. I gave up, turned my phone off and went back to work, for once. Then comes today.
I'm through to Lance, all 6 pokemon still going an healthy, I'm halfway through the battle, he's already lost three of his Pokemon, and I get a call from the other office telling me there's a conference on line 1.
This is an important phone call, there's our manager, his manager, the area manager, regional manager, regional director and that guys boss, I don't even know what that guys title is but he probably made what I make in a year just listening to the next five minutes of awkwardness.
I defeat Lance during the opening the conference, I lost two Pokemon, no revives left, a few max potions, so I restore my four remaining Pokemon and head off to face Green. I'm not involved during this part of the conversation on the phone, so I focus on my battle, it's tense, it's down to one on one, my Riachu hits a Thunder on Blastoise and I win! Forgetting where I am I shout "fuck yeah!" ...
Silence. And then... silence is broken...
"WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT? I WILL FIND OUT WHO SAID THAT AND I WILL MAKE SURE I COME DOWN THERE AND FIRE YOU PERSONALLY. GOD HELP WHOEVER THAT WAS."
End of phone call. I hang up, pretend not to know anything and go ask my manager in the other office what just happened, explaining that I wasn't listening to that part of the conversation since my part wasn't for another ten minutes in the briefings. The explanation is horrifying. This is pretty much a quote from what he said:
"It was insane, [Boss Man's Name] was talking about charity work and the collections in each of our stores, he said something like 'this is a charity that I set up in memorial for my daughter, who died last year.' and someone yelled fuck yeah. Whoever that is, is screwed. Just keep quiet the rest of the day and try to keep all queries in this office, give him time to find out who that was."
So that's where I am now... probably gonna get fired. At least I hated this job, right?
UPDATE: holy shit my inbox exploded, and front page, kind of awesome. For those wanting an update, I posted this about 11pm over here so I'll give a proper update tomortow when I'm back in and find out whats going on. The conference got rescheduled so hopefully I won't do the same thing again.
Also no, my phone did not have a mute function. Mute functions cost money.
UPDATE 2: Okay so most important question out the way first: my team was Charizard, Dragonite, Riachu, Pidgeot, Marowak(with that club that increases its attack) and Poliwrath.
Question 2: My phone really didnt have a mute.
Question 3: Yes in 2014, this phone did not have a mute. The other phones don't have a loudspeaker.
In all seriousness, in the mix of people wishing I'd get fired, calling bullshit or just crying about something else, some people asked for an actual update. I walked into work this morning and the big boss guy (who, as someone suggested) shall henceforth be known as Giovanni, has scheduled a new meeting and blamed "unfortunate timing and inappropriate actions on both ends" and the matter is pretty much over with.
Seems like all will be okay, I've decided to chat with my boss about incorporating new roles into my job and looks like I'll have some more things to do around the office. Yay.
I'll try to respond to replies on my lunch break, the nicer ones anyway, today this office shall stay Pokemon free. Although I've heard good things about Ruby...
javaski: Okay, I'm pretty sure you're fine if you're a good liar. But, **whatever you do**, make sure you don't post about it on a public website.
DanHero91: Everyone I work with is completely computer illiterate. I've posted worse things in more public places haha.
TheJonesSays: Use real names. Go all out.
tagen: then post nudes. of you and your boss. thatl show em
[deleted]: and his daughter to /r/CuteFemaleCorpses
That will really show him.
ThroughLidlessEye: Is... is that a real subreddit? I mean, hell, I *know* I'm on some lists but I don't wanna be on *that* one.
AngeredByStatistics: At firstI thought "it's gotta be a joke or satire subreddit, right?" And then I realized I don't want to check. So the link is remaining blue, and I'm going to assume that it's satire.
MyPervyAlternate: I clicked the link for you. Don't click the link.
AngeredByStatistics: [You took that risk for me.....](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2c1usr80P1ro1apoo4_500.gif)
KTY_: Jesus, even Assassin's Creed on the Wii U has more frames per second than this gif.
Gamiac: FPS are a myth. People talk about it all the time but I saw that Battlefield video and I honestly couldn't tell the difference between it and other Youtube videos.
KTY_: > FPS are a myth.
[wot](http://simplepimple.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/fps.gif)
Gamiac: See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. The top two look *exactly the same.* The bottom looks better, though, much smoother.
KTY_: The bottom two feel so much more ***cinematic***.
Gamiac: Well, the last one does because of the motion blur. u trollin m8?
KTY_: Sorry m8 quit trying ur not part of the console master race like me u sold ur soul to gayben it's 2 l8 4 u
opinionated_toaster: I r8 this comment 8/8 m8
| 18 | 604.666667 | |
1410901089 | 1410922829 | t3_2glh3x | t5_2to41 | 3 | IMayHaveFuckedUp2Day: TIFU I may or may not have seen my sister fucking...
So when I got home at about 3:15 pm, my sister and her boyfriend were here. He needed to flash his HTC One back to stock img but he didn't have enough time so he had me do it. My sister had to drive him to work so she left. I downloaded the stock img and then was going to copy it over when it said not enough space. So I searched to find something to delete. I checked a folder called "New Folder 1", seems harmless right?. There were 3 100ish MB videos around 40 seconds each inside it however, the thumbnails were pitch black. I don't want to delete anything important or what not so I open the video. The video is too quiet to hear anything however it is someone fucking some chick but only focused in on the chick's pussy with no view of the face. I immediately close the video, nope right out, and assume it was my sister as the few seconds looked like it was taken with a phone.
TL;DR: I now know my sister uses protection when she has sex.
mamdoj1: Always the new folder... Anyways, that's fucked up
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: One Key Recovery -> notif (hidden) -> .avi -> .rec -> .pir
| 3 | 1 | |
1410899275 | 1410986029 | t3_2gldhl | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by helping my science lab partner
Hooray! Not another sex TIFU!
Now first let me give you some background info:
-My Science class is made out of wood
-This happened less than hour before typing this
So after discovering this subreddit I always wanted to share a funny TIFU... *Until it actually happened*
So today in my science class we had to act as if we were foreign to Earth and study the living and or nonliving qualities of items.
Studying Plastic Flowers - Everything's going good.
Studying Beans - Good, good, science is good.
Studying Cereal - Nice very n- Ooh, we're studying fire next?
So here's where things get juicy. We get to study fire. Since you're not just gonna light a fire in a lab, we had candles to show the fire. Now my lab partner, we'll call him Adam, goes to the bathroom. So I'm writing down my notes about the fire.
After a while, Adam comes back. Without paying attention to anything else I was doing I turned to him because he asked me what the nonliving qualities of fire were. And then, the putrid smell of burning wood filled the air of the classroom. I turned to see a burning pencil. You see, while Adam and I spoke about the qualities, my pencil made a nice marshmallow over the fire pit that was the candle.
Without thinking to put out the fire with the sink that was right next to me, I threw it. Now here's where the wooden classroom part comes into play. I immediately regretted doing that, but I wasn't gonna grab a burning stick of flames after I got rid of it. So before I could tell anyone, aside from Adam who was staring out of shock and amazement, the ear blasting beep of the fire alarm filled the air.
In a panic, everyone rushed out of the building, and they were able to put out the flames before it destroyed the classroom. And a bit after that, the final bell rang so I got my ass out of there. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I don't want to know either. Will edit if anything happens.
**TL;DR** I almost burnt down my science class by helping out a student who was in the bathroom.
SuperFreakonomics: Bullshit
Commander_Luka: It is hard to beilive, what science lab is made out of wood?
lord_sherlock_holmes: This was 1885...give him a break. He was probably tired from the wagon ride to school.
Commander_Luka: And from whipping his slave
Beastness: Well Sambo needs to know his role.
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1410903695 | 1410904117 | t3_2glm0y | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not acting on feelings me and my crush shared
Back in 8th grade, I had science with the girl I still consider to be the girl of my dreams. Smart, tall(at least taller then me), beautiful black hair, beautiful brown eyes, beautiful olive skin, and very out going and successful( she had her own TED youth talk!). Through out the year, she made it plainly obvious to me she was interested in me, and I had been interested in her since the year before when I first saw her in the hallway. Being the dumb, socially-awkward, low self-esteem idiot I am, I don't act on it. Fast forward to now, my senior year, and I'm still fucking up. Haven't been able to say "hi" to her in the halls cause I'm dumb, sent her a friend request on Facebook, which was like a year ago and she hasn't denied or accepted it. And she is either forgetting me or purposely forgetting me. I had to reintroduce myself last year when I joined a club she ran, and the had to do it again when I went to the next meeting. It's my final year, and I'm still fucking up. The old club she ran the year before got disbanded (didn't have enough members) and she is now the head of the Red Cross club. I go to the first meeting, not knowing she would be the head of the club( I thought it was just for the blood drive which I always donate to). I don't even talk to her during the meeting, other then to ask questions, and don't say bye when the meeting is over, just slip out the room to go to the next club I was attending.
TL;DR: I basically fuck up every chance I have to talk to the girl of my dreams, and this will probably be the last year I have to try and correct that.
soalone34: You might as well try, think about it this way, rejection hurts for a second, regret hurts forever. Maybe get some advice from /r/seduction
Eclipse_Strider: Thanks, guess I'll try.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410903823 | 1410918185 | t3_2glm9y | t5_2to41 | 5 | denthil: TIFU by sleeping through school and blaming it on my dad
So, here's some back story. I am 13 years olf, and three weeks away from my bar mitzvah, so am working constantly and tired out of my mind. My parents both travel for work, and so right now my mom is in Saudi Arabia and my dad is in Ohio. My school starts at 8:00 AM, and to get ready and get there, I get up at 6:00 AM. Ok so, here goes.
I had scheduled an orthodontist appointment for 8:00 AM and was really happy because it meant I could sleep until seven. The orthodontist is right near my house. So last night I asked my dad to wake me up at 7:00 which, coincidentally was when he was leaving for Ohio. He said sure, and so that was that.
Fast forward to 3:35 PM this afternoon. I wake up and check instagram and clash of clans as per my normal routine. When I get up and prepare to go take a shower, I realize something strange: the sun is shining through my window, which only happens in the late afternoon. I run over to my phone to check the time and there it is. I have slept not only through my orthodontist appointment but through all of school.
Freaking out, I call my dad, getting mad and asking him why he didn't wake me up. He says that not only did he wake me up, when he asked if I was up ten minutes later, I confirmed it. I realize that I must have gone back to sleep, and was barely awake so answered as I normally do to that question: yeah, guys, I'm up. I then have to explain what has happened to my dad, my mom, my friends, my brother (who got home from school 20 minutes later), and worst of all my school dean who is really mean.
My dad is mad because I am applying to high school this year, and it looks like I have a ditch day, not to mention the fact that my initial reaction was to blame the entire event on him. My mom is mad for the same reasons. My brother is mad because my punishment (or at least part of it) is that I can't be at home alone when they travel meaning that he can't either. I'm mad because I want to be a professional computer programmer and I might not be able to go to a coding high school now.
Tl; dr: I slept through school, blamed my dad for it, and now will have a harder time going to a good high school. Today I really fucked up.
departedd: wtf?
You missed one day of school and now you can't go to high school? what kind of system is that?
denthil: Ditch days and missed days are different. A ditch day is when you ditch, which this counts as. Missed days are when your sick or out of town or something.
departedd: I kinda figured it
Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for you, not being able to do what you want is really frustrating
But schools shouldn't judge you like that, what you do once is school doesn't define who you are, your grades don't show how good or bad at something you are, this decrepit system is ruining the world and forcing people your age to do this kind of stuff and get that worked up over the future that early is just plain idiotic
I know it's probably the system you're used to, but it doesn't mean it works
Plus, think better about the whole programming carrer, just because you like to use the computer doesn't mean you'll want to make it a career.
denthil: I know I want to go into CS alright. I do HTML & CSS for a company in Portland, and have been doing C++ since I was 8... This is what I want to do with my life.
departedd: Holy shit
Then go for it man! GL on the high school thing, it'll probably work out
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1410904298 | 1410905773 | t3_2gln3f | t5_2to41 | 5 | MuffinMilitia: TIFU by walking into my boyfriends house
(This is not my TIFU, this is my friends. I will be telling it from her perspective. Therefore, I am keeping their names anonymous)
So, on Saturday, my boyfriend and his family went on vacation. His friend was supposed to check on their dog every day. Now, I know that friend that was supposed to check up on the dog: I knew he wouldn't do it. So, being the nice respectful citizen I am, I walked into his house which was **unlocked** (strike 1). Anyways, I walk in to the dog running around, food everywhere, and no water. So, I filled the water, and started to clean up the house. All of a sudden, I hear this knock, so I opened the door. Two of my boyfriends neighbors (who were smoking pot) walked in and asked what was going on. They knew me, so while they were **still smoking**, we had a little chit-chat inside.
Now, the reason the neighbors were there, was because they thought the dog was going to cause mayhem. They told me to put her in the kennel. I said I would, and they left. Now, after they left, I realized, it smelt like dog feces and really really REALLY nasty weed in here. So, when I left, I said that I would spray some air freshener later.
My friend, who gave me a ride to her boyfriends house, told me that we had to go back, because I wanted to stay at a football game. So, I put the dog in the kennel, went out and **locked the door** (strike 3).
The friend that was supposed to check on the dog came in the next day, and told my boyfriend that I put his dog in the kennel, then smoked a whole bowl in his house. When my boyfriend came home, he confronted me about it, and said our relationship was over, even though I wasn't smoking pot in his house! (This happened a few days ago, I will try to tide things over with my boyfriends family and update y'all about it.)
**TL;DR** dog shit + weed smoke + boyfriends unguarded house = no more relationship fun-times with said boyfriend.
**EDIT**: remember boys and girls, im a dude. This isnt my story, its my friends story. Again i dont have female reproductive glands.
U_believe_me: the "friend" who told on you, wanted your relationship to end.
MuffinMilitia: *her
Im a dude man, I was telling it from her perspective. Y'know, to liven it up a little
U_believe_me: i didnt put any specifics on gender
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410900495 | 1410913454 | t3_2glfxr | t5_2to41 | 4 | Starcfc: TIFU-By forging my parents signature
Note, this didn't happen today it happened a few years ago.
So i was about 13 and at my school we needed a parent to sign a form guaranteeing that we had read a reading book for two hours in the week, anyway i'm usually a good student and an avid reader, the teacher used to ask what book we were reading and commonly mine had changed every week. Anyway the majority of us forgot to get our parents to sign the form, so we just forged the signature, one week we just got out of the class were we had to show the form and me and a friend were laughing at how bad the forgeries were this week but the teacher didn't pick up on them. Later me and my friend got suspended for forging my parents signature and accused of not doing homework for the last few weeks (since the reading counted as homework). Turns out someone overheard my friend and then told the teacher. I did the suspension but my parents were very disappointed and i can't be a prefect anymore. I then tell everyone about the little shit who grassed, BAD IDEA. I got another suspension for alienating the little shit apparently. I serve another suspension which was total crap, and i was gaining quite a reputation as a bully. So then i confront the shit, tell him that he shouldn't grass on people, he then kicked me in balls, i then got given another suspension for getting in a fight, this time my parents got called in and i got a threat of expulsion. Thankfully i left that school two years later but i still hold a special hatred for that little shit. Oh and did i mention i always did the reading homework just forgot to get the form signed.
TL;DR: forged parents signature and got three suspensions thanks to some tell tale little shit.
GoldenPiggey: fuck that kid
Fahrowshus: with a rusty cactus
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410907072 | 1410982300 | t3_2gls46 | t5_2to41 | 233 | DownvoteMe_IDGAF: TIFU by quitting my job when I found out my company was changing how we are paid
Actually, today my friend fucked up. He works in the oilfield, and until today he was making $500 for every 12 hours he was on location and also getting a salary of $50,000 a year. If you aren't on location you work in the shop from 8-5 Monday through Saturday, which is what our salary is for.
We were called into a meeting and our boss told us that because a lot of people call in sick, make up family illnesses, say they have errands to run, etc. to avoid having to be in the shop (yet still collect salary for it), we would no longer be getting salaries or bonuses and would instead be making hourly. At this point my friend said "fuck this, I quit" and walked out because he though the hourly rate would be something pretty low comparatively ($20-$30/hr). After he left the boss told us the hourly rate was going to be $45-$55. I called him after the meeting and told him, and he immediately came back and asked for his job back.
The boss just laughed at him and told him he already made his choice and to deal with it.
Terragen: Talk to a lawyer (your friend) as depending where he works there might be some sort of cooling off period in which the employer might have to accept him back.
DownvoteMe_IDGAF: I've never heard of such a thing, and I hope it doesn't exist because a company shouldn't be forced by law to take someone back after that person quit.
XdannyX: "Friends" huh?
DownvoteMe_IDGAF: He's a grown ass man, if he can't handle sitting through a meeting without quitting then that's on him. I still don't think a company should have to take someone back that quit if they don't want them.
XdannyX: No I understand and I would laugh my ass off at the guy for being so stupid. But I thought the whole point of friends was you ignore that and watch out for each other.
thevigg13: His friend made a spur of the moment action, what was he supposed to do?
XdannyX: Nothing. But having an attitude of hoping there's nothing his friend can do isn't something I'd expect between friend.
I mean for fuck sakes do I really I have to explain that? What friendship is? Does reddit really attract the kind of people that take their time to be so fucking cynical?
| 8 | 29.125 | |
1410907098 | 1410915399 | t3_2gls5v | t5_2to41 | 5 | SparkyDogPants: TIFU by dating two coworkers
The tinder guy gave me the courage to post this
So when I was 19 I lived in NYC and was more interested in casual open dating than serious dating as I was young and just wanted to have fun. Being young and naive, when my very attractive co worker (will call him Yoseph) asked me out, I accepted. We dated, he was older and we established it was nothing serious and we could date other people. Fast forward many months later, another co worker (call him Radio) and I get close at a going away party and we start casually dating as well.
I think that nothing ill can come of this, the two weren't very good friends so I didn't feel bad. Then the original one asks me if I want to go climbing/swimming at the other gym he works at and I'm stoked because their day passes are $50 a day so it's fun to go to a big fancy gym. I get there and he says "Hey Sparky! Guess who's here? Doug (other coworker) and Radio!" my heart sunk but the four of us all climbed and hung out and it wasn't weird. Until Yoseph thought it would be a good idea to go swimming and we were all sitting in the hot tub together and I was sitting in between the two of them. They were both discreetly trying to play footsy/touch my thigh and it was horribly awkward.
Afterwards Yoseph and I were supposed to get food and then go to his place but he randomly decided to go to an art show while I was getting changed in the locker room. While he was driving there a drunk driver destroyed the passenger side of his car so I'm happy that I didn't grab me!
TL;DR Dated coworkers, ran into one on a date, we all hungout. I don't believe that anyone noticed and nothing changed with either one.
Walican132: So nothing happened this is literally just you bragging.
SparkyDogPants: It definitely goes down as top 3 worst dates ever. I considered it pretty awful. Learned my lesson more or less.
redditorrandom: I'd call two men I'm sleeping with groping me in a hot tub completely oblivious to the fact that they were both doing the same thing pretty awkward and uncomfortable.
SparkyDogPants: I wasn't sleeping with the second one but I'm happy someone else thinks this was shitty
| 5 | 1 | |
1410907722 | 1410908592 | t3_2glt9x | t5_2to41 | 5 | DomLite: TIFU by pepper spraying a tree
Okay, so not today, like most stories here it seems, but I was reminded of it just today so I felt like sharing.
A few years ago I was living with a buddy in Texas, and he had a girlfriend who lived a few hours away, further south. Well she came up to visit a couple of weeks after he had just adopted a new kitten. Said kitten had this tendency to try and climb the fake-as-hell ficus tree that we had sitting in a corner, which resulted in it toppling over from the weight of a tiny feline. We squirted her when she did it, made hissing noises, tried to run her off, nothing worked.
Fast forward to girlfriend arriving, and we go to pick her up from the airport together because she's a total brodette. We get home to find the tree knocked over as usual and explain our exasperated reaction to her. Then she has the brightest idea ever. "I have some pepper spray in my purse. We should squirt it around the base of the tree to keep her away!" We all think this sounds like a great idea so she very carefully and gingerly squirts a tiny bit of pepper spray around the base of the tree.
Five minutes later we're all sitting on the couch chatting and just start hacking and coughing incessantly, eyes start itching and watering and our throats feel all scratchy. That shit aerated all through the apartment in unbelievable time. Cue the three of us scrambling around desperately to fix the issue. She runs to open the windows, he darts for the balcony door and I grab the tree by the trunk and haul ass to the balcony with it, carrying it as far from my body as I can, as if it were some kind of nuclear dirty bomb.
We spent the next three hours chugging water and applying eye drops to try and relieve the burning, itching and coughing and it still didn't help. We just had to wait for it to dissipate and deal with it, even with all the windows open and the death tree removed to the patio, and the smell didn't leave my nose for at least three days. And this was all without any of us actually being sprayed directly or even having a large amount discharged in the vicinity. Moral of the story: DO NOT underestimate the power of pepper spray.
TL;DR: Roomies girlfriend convinced us that pepper spray would be a great deterrent to the kitten knocking over a fake tree. We suffered the consequences.
Father_Dougal19: Is it bad that I laughed? Like a lot?
DomLite: Not at all. I still laugh about it to this day.
Every now and then I catch a whiff of something that smells like pepper spray and when I mention this, I have to tell this story to explain why I know that, lest I get the look of "What the hell did you do to get pepper sprayed?"
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410908439 | 1410937312 | t3_2glujk | t5_2to41 | 116 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to save my dying neighbor
Unlike a lot of TIFU's as of late, this actually happened today. Also outside of the norm, and I'm sorry to spoil it for you, but it doesn't include sex, boners, Cialis, Viagra, masturbation, or any other sexual deviancy (all of the above found on the front page).
_____________________
I work nights and sleep during the day. I had just woke up. I took my two dogs, a Lab/Boxer and a Dane/Pitt, outside and stayed out with them, so as to smoke a cigarette. I was still in my underwear, but it isn't unusual for me to waltz around my property in my skivvies; Unless you're in my yard, you won't see anything. A few minutes later, after the dogs had done their business, I heard one of the neighbors behind my house talking. Naturally, my dogs heard as well and talked back by way of barking, "I don't know who you are, but I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
So, I rush them inside while I stay out to finish my smoke. A few seconds later I hear the man's speech turn from what seemed like casual conversation to, "Uh. Uh. Something's not right. Uh. ...Uh. Uh. I'm dyiinnnggggg. Uh. Uh." Whoa. Shit just got real. Dude's having a fucking heart attack or something.
I'm no stranger to people having heart attacks, however all of my experience with such things was by helping people out from the other end of a telephone at 911. No matter - I'm a man of action and I'd do whatever I could. I grabbed my phone from the table and queued up 911 as I ran to the back of my property. I burst through a couple of overgrown bushes and got halfway over the fence when I saw the man and a small child in their yard, looking back at me. It's a sight I'll not soon forget.
The child and I locked eyes first. The girl was sitting down next to the man, leaning over him. She looked to be no older than seven, wearing a pink shirt and blue jeans. She had shoulder length, curly blonde hair. On her face, she wore a sickeningly contorted smile. It was as if she was actually enjoying what was transpiring right before her eyes. Next to the child was the man. Her father, uncle, babysitter - I'm still not sure. He appeared to be a man in his 30's, with short, buzzed hair, wearing a dark blue hoody and blue jeans. He was laying on his side, facing me. His blue, panicked eyes bore into mine, appearing to be pleading with me.
As I kicked another leg over the fence, I continued to survey my surroundings, wondering where the other adults might be. As I scanned the dying man's yard, that's when I saw them. Two weapons, about three feet long each and looking like they were built to slice through any material brought before them, were laying just outside of the man and child's reach.
By now, I've landed in the neighbor's yard. It was at that moment that the man grabbed one of the weapons and sprung to his feet. He brought the weapon up, shielding himself and the girl. Standing there in my underwear, I froze in place as it quickly registered that the once-incapacitated man was now standing before me. The panic I saw in his eyes just a moment ago had completely metamorphosed into a mixture of both fear and anger.
Instinctively, I brought both of my hands up into the air in front of me as I took a half step back. All I could think to do was force a smile and say, "Oh, hey. Sorry. I thought you were in trouble." The man's face immediately relaxed and he lowered the light saber to his side.
**TL;DR: Wearing only my underwear, I jumped into the middle of a light saber fight between a man in his 30's and a 7 year old.**
bigbouncytits: What's up with the needy opening paragraph? Tell us your fuck up not some shitty point that you want to make.
dog_mask: Actually, I really appreciated that opening. Especially since most of the stories here lately have some sort of sexual element, and sometimes not much warning.
Medic_guy: +1.
Same here.
| 4 | 29 | |
1410910352 | 1410968378 | t3_2glxua | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to scare my housemate.
He was on the sofa watching tv, I banged on the window whilst recording a snapchat video (in my mind he'd jump in surprise, i'd send him the video and we'd all laugh about it). Well, my hand went straight through the window covering him in glass. He stood up and started shouting whilst the snapchat video repeatedly played on my phone whilst I fumbled to turn it off.
Picture of said window, for science: http://imgur.com/hENmg1s
arguewithidiots: When I was in high school a friend hid in the curtains right after we watched a scary movie in the theatre. As we were leaving he jumped out and startled me. I reacted and broke his nose.
lickmybrains: Oh shit- how did he respond?
arguewithidiots: He cried like a little bitch and whined about it. Tried to get me in trouble but our other friends backed me. I stopped being his friend after that.
DivinePrince: Bet you were the school bully.
lord_sherlock_holmes: why would you jump to that conclusion? Normal human reflexes can cause people to strike out at those things that startle/scare them out of nowhere...Not like he waited and punched him in the nose in the parking lot.
arguewithidiots: Exactly. I can't control it. I've almost hit my wife until she learned to announce herself.
after i hit hum I felt bad. But then his parents called the cops to have me arrested for assault. He told them I was laying in wait for him.
all our other friends told the same story, that he startled me and it was a reflex and an accident, then they all started treating him like shit for lying to the police.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1410909068 | 1410927221 | t3_2glvmm | t5_2to41 | 23 | zeke48: TIFU at the Go-Kart track
This happened a few years ago, and at the time I was 13, and I learned a very important lesson the hard way.
So I was in the Outer Banks, NC (beach town) with my family. My older cousins decided to go Go-Karting, and me being young, foolish, and wanting to be cool hanging out with older people, tagged along.
Fast forward: were sitting by the pit area waiting for the race to end so we can go on, when one of those double seat karts goes flying by, with this young boy in the passenger seat. He had his arms straight up, and was leaning out of the kart and screaming like a banshee. I said to my older cousin, again trying to be cool, and said, "What the fuck is up with that kid? He looks like an idiot."
Cue voice from the other side of me: "That's my son, and he has cerebral palsy."
I went whiter than Mitt Romney in a snowstorm. Absolutely horrified, I sheepishly muttered out an apology and basically sprinted to the bathroom. I felt, and still do to this day, like an asshole for saying that.
And that my friends, is when I learned not to make fun of others.
TL:DR: Go to go-kart track with cousins, accidentally call a kid with cerebral palsy an idiot.
dog_mask: Ooh, ouch. You were just a kid, though. Hopefully that other kid's parent realized that and didn't take it too hard. Adults saying stuff like that, on the other hand...not much excuse there.
zeke48: Hopefully, however I didn't stick around to find out.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1410913588 | 1410937613 | t3_2gm38e | t5_2to41 | 0 | ntuburculosis: TIFU by snapping at my Boyfriend
I have been feeling quite shitty the last couple of day just work and stress getting to me so I have been coming home all cranky and last night when he was nibbling at my ear he bit it and pinched the skin which hurt, I kinda yelled at him "Why?! That Really hurt. He went quiet and I kinda realisd that it was the incorrect way to behave and I shouldn't take my anger or stress out on him.... I made a mistake and I am going to learn from it.
Bonanza86: Make it up to him...with sex!
ntuburculosis: The plan is going to do it on date night, I should take him to a movie that he likes.
murderouspanda00: Something about snapping at your boyfriend for no reason, then making him take you on a date before giving him sex to make up for it...damn.
As a man, I could never get away with this.
devals: Bitterness is repellent. Just, y'know... fwiw.
(Seriously, this is the mildest transgression ever, relationship-wise. That she feels a disproportionate amount of guilt and the *need* to "make it up to him" is a bit much, imo, and yet you, "as a man", see only something that you could never "get away with". Jesus, the rate you're going you'll either wind up Forever Alone, or forever mired in bitter, resentful relationships. Work on yourself, man.)
murderouspanda00: Thanks
| 6 | 0 | |
1410913136 | 1410927444 | t3_2gm2h2 | t5_2to41 | 181 | BukakkeTears: TIFU. Got a crossbow delivered to my door today.
I have Amazon Prime. I use it a lot. Got drunk last Friday night and apparently went internet shopping. I'm not a hunter. I have some guns and like target shooting and I think crossbows are cool (thanks Daryl). So drunk me thought I should have one. It arrived today. And it's not the first time I've done this. I also have a $900 guitar drunk me thought I should have.
Have any of you Redditors gone drunk internet shopping? I'd like to hear some stories.
Flowers214: What's the problem. You now have a crossbow, Who doesn't want a crossbow?
TheJonesSays: I want one. I will take it, OP. Just bought a Smith & Wesson M&P Shield 9mm. I now want a crossbow.
[deleted]: Thanks to this comment I'll probably own an M&P Shield after tonight. You've planted the seed, all I need now is the beer
imacyber: （≧∇≦） too true.
[deleted]: Shit, I just bought myself some new multicam pants and 8" boots.
imacyber: And so the impulse buy wave begins...
| 7 | 25.857143 | |
1410901179 | 1410956365 | t3_2glha7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | kvng__: TIFU by leaving my wallet while trying to excuse my friend and a girl
This is my first post, basically happened some days ago. I was at my friend's place and one of his girls showed up, we were all cool and having fun but as a real friend, I excused them and got into my car to drive around the block then come back, they must have pretty much been done by then or at least, they'll be in the room so I can relax and continue with my game. Nothing was amiss when I came back and didn't notice my wallet had been swiped clean until the next day. I forgot about it, it wasn't a huge amount anyway. But today, my friend called me up and he had been swiped clean of almost 8x the amount I was cleaned out on (he doesn't keep his money as its always lying anywhere and everywhere). Turns out she came visiting yesterday too.
I feel like I've paid for the goodies I didn't get.
made234: And then? Did he confront her?
kvng__: She's supposed to come around today. Told him to confront her
made234: Keep us updated OP.
| 4 | 2 | |
1410914699 | 1410954743 | t3_2gm55d | t5_2to41 | 17 | bleepet: TIFU by leaving my porn open
My first post so be kind pls. This just happened today
So today started off like none other. Wake up, go to school, cry because I don't know how to math and go home. On a normal day my dad would come home half an hour before I do, but today I had to stay behind and finish some work, so I came home around an hour later.
When I came home my dad was there giving me an odd look, but I decided that it was nothing. So as usual I grab my tablet and go into my washroom to take my after school dump. But when I turn on my tablet the first thing I see is Faye Reagan's beautiful tit. I had forgotten to close last night's porn. At first I think nothing about it, but after a bit of more staring I notice that another tab open. It was Ups.com and I was 100% sure that I didn't open it so it must have been someone else.
Because my brother was at work and my mum was working than it had to be my dad. And now I'm hiding in the washroom not knowing what to do
Edit: my dad gave me the talk about how this is bad, and how girls should not be disrespected this way. I'm still gonna watch it.
Lytebyrd: Why were you dumb enough to leave your porn open man. Like seriously I thought guy code states that if you leave your porn open you deserve the punishment.
bleepet: Normal I would but that night I was up until 2am just looking for a video.
Da_FuzzMan: Been there.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1410915935 | 1410956292 | t3_2gm7b6 | t5_2to41 | 76 | cptaixel: TIFU by putting my suit away in a hotel closet.
After a work event, I checked into a hotel and was getting read for a shower. I took off my suit got completely naked, put it on a hanger and opened the closet door. Only it wasn't the closet door, it was the adjoining room door and my female next door neighbor made the same mistake as me at the exact same time, opening her adjoining door...except all her clothes were on.
We both slammed the doors at the same time, and both yelled out "SORRY!" at the same time. I don't think either of us are leaving our rooms tonight.
murderouspanda00: Show up to her door in nothing but a towel and a tool belt, knock, and tell her you heard the cable was going out and you're there to fix it.
DatGuy15: Is that what the kids are calling vaginas now? Cable?
VisceralVox: I call mine "free wifi"
GimmickNG: because it's invisible?
| 5 | 15.2 | |
1410916409 | 1410955529 | t3_2gm83y | t5_2to41 | 41 | Yrrem: TIFU by almost killing 13 people and blowing up 5 cars.
So I was at a bonfire the other night, and this girl, we will call her H, was bitching about the fire not starting. It had rained pretty well, and even though this wood was under a tarp, it still was pretty wet. The flames are small and spreading, but at the pace of some crippled turtle. I have had enough. I grab the jerry can. 1 gallon of gas. Now, i'm not stupid. I pour this shit on the *other* side of the fire pit. I wasn't going for a boom, just to scare H. Well my friend bumps into me. A trail of gas is made to a flame. Fucking boom. This shit ignited like satan's dildo under my ass. While i'm pouring. You can guess what happens next. The flame travels up the stream. Well I notice and turn the nozzle up fast enough to avoid it igniting all the gas. I have about enough time to shotput the bitch away from everyone. Some motherfucker (probably me) set everyone up with their backs to everywhere not foliage. So I've got a flying gas bomb going into a fucking forest. This shits leaking everywhere. Girls are pissing themselves and screaming. Everyone else runs to the fire. By this point I've managed to ignite some pine straw, a tree, and the gas can is still on fire. I run to the can and Sparta kick it hard enough to put the flame out, and run it away from any heat. Then I start stomping on fire. (More information) I end up burning my leg. The hairs on the lower half of my left leg are all but gone. It looks like im in some sort of indecisive hair care gang with my half shaved leg.
Now if you've seen breaking bad (possible spoilers, skip to the next paragraph to avoid them) then you know in the episode "Four days Out" that Walter blows up a generator, and Jesse puts it out with their supply if drinking water. Well to the T, I get the ice bucket challenge and re-enact the scene perfectly.
My friends manage to put everything out. Meanwhile there's no traces of intelligent life in my immediate vicinity.
People are yelling at me and cussing me to no end.. I don't blame them. I fucked up bad. By this point Im not even allowed work a grill.
So that's how I fucked up. And managed to do it bad. I realize that anything different would have resulted in me and about 13 others being consumed in a fireball, and after the woods caught, the cars would be soon to go.
PSA: reddit, don't make my mistake. I showed out like a dipshit/douche. And the results weren't worth the desired outcome. Never. NEVER pour anything flammable on a fire, no matter how small the flame. If it's that important to start it, get some sort of commercial starter log. Honestly I still am flustered from the event.
Edit: added a detail. It's just for fun, nothing integral to the story.
whatplannet: Reddit is gonna yell at you. (official prediction)
Yrrem: I know. I deserve it, cause i'm a dipshit. Can I change it? No. But nobody was hurt and now it's a chance to prevent it so I guess it works. I should note that alcohol was *not* involved.
Nan0u: You almost burned a forest and kill your friends without the help of alcohol? You must be some kind of party animal
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1410917554 | 1410918503 | t3_2gma24 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying something racist on accident
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A RACIST
However, I oftentimes have this problem where I don't think about things I say before I say them.
Anyway, I recently moved to a new neighborhood that is very ethnically diverse. White is probably the minority. My boyfriend and I were at the local grocery store perusing the alcohol section when out nowhere I practically yell, "Holy shit! I haven't had Parrot Bay in a coon's age!" As soon as I said it I noticed the black family standing nearby with their young daughter. I've never been so embarrassed in my life. I have no idea why I said it there or what I was thinking. I'm glad they didn't say anything to me even if I totally would've deserved it. I am currently hiding in the car while he pays for the groceries.
HoodieGalore: I don't really know why that phrase is racist, or the origin of the phrase at all, but to be honest, "coon" is one of those words that I just never ever fucking say, no matter what. Even a raccoon is *always* raccoon. Sorry about your brain fart!
panteraprncess: I don't know of it's origin either but I do know it's some kind of slur though I definitely never meant it that way.
HoodieGalore: According to Straight Dope, it supposedly refers to the lifespan of a raccoon, but a lot of the negative qualities of raccoons were also applied to black folks, enough to where "coon" is offensive, it's still offensive. Better luck next time?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1410917863 | 1410928566 | t3_2gmam9 | t5_2to41 | 15 | forgetsucha: TIFU by ordering a six pack of cinnamon roles.
It's only a Tuesday, so traffic is super light. I'm not worried. I've left the house in plenty of time and there's adequate parking at the airport. The check in area is almost empty and the TSA is twiddling their thumbs. "I think your flight is delayed", I'm told by the friendly airline worker. Sitting at the gate, I see that I have an extra half hour to spare. Storms have grounded the plane in its city that we are waiting on. But life is good.
Then I see the cinnamon roll shop.
It sits directly across from our gate. Seven slovenly steps and I'm standing before the world's heart attack doorstep. I burdened my thoughts with reason and logic, but their litany had fallen mute by the time I was stuttering out my order with quivering knees and buckling arteries.
Heaven and hell dined at the same table; their feast comprised of sugar, cinnamon, and an FDA warning. Washed down their chops was a river of coffee, and their dessert mint was a pebble of a heartburn pill.
An hour goes by. Patrons grow tireless, but their groans are only fed by an additional hour delay. Many are kind enough to float down to us their blow horn level conversations on their phones, desperate to find sympathizers as their eyes list from side to side. Mine see darkness, opening only to the narrowest of tunnels. My stomach begins to churn. I begin to fear the worst. I need to burp. Bad. Real bad. I begin to raise myself to my feet to find a place of relief, but my efforts are cut short.
It is time. We board. Joyous and glowing with the warm spirit of alcohol, my fellow passengers waste no time finding their seats as if we are rediscovering the western territories. Seat belts buckled. Bins are locked. Engines fire up. My belly is ready to explode. We are ready to rock and freaking roll. I am ready to die, a martyr to the peace and civility of those in nostril range.
Then lightening strikes. Rain begins to fall. The earth and all of its party ruining appendages are moving, but not us. Another hour ticks off the clock. I begin to see my childhood play before me at 1000 frames per second. More charges are aligned in the atmosphere to give me the impression that if earth were a child, it would dry hump an electric fence until its core was medium to well done. My insides are gargling. I scope out the blast radius. I send down the negative call and my Iron clad pipes hold firm, but are starting to show signs of failure. My eyes roll back into my head and my breathing halves its pace. They just announced another hour delay. I don't know how long I'll be sitting here tonight.
Help me reddit. Help. Please.
**Note:** It's not Saturday.
witchling_22: For someone so eloquent, it pains me that you misspelled 'roll'. Three times.
forgetsucha: Phone. Fixes will be made.
witchling_22: Oh good. It was disheartening, because the rest of it was flat out awesome.
forgetsucha: Thank you. The compliment helps quell the inner storm. The outer rages on. Hell is a quiet tarmac and I am its first class passenger.
witchling_22: I do what little I can. Surely the flight attendant has something to help? Shouldn't there be a little squirrel in a tiny compartment in front of you with Pepto?
forgetsucha: Relief and convenience is only available to the rich and actors. I have ginger ale and peanuts.
witchling_22: Ask for a peppermint.
forgetsucha: Great suggestion. I ended up making it to the restroom when we landed, though in the slowest form possible. I sat in the back of the plane. An older gentleman grabbed his things and battled making his way up to the front of the plane as if he were tackling the single most difficult maze Nickelodeon had to offer. If there were that stupid gorilla at the end for him to assemble, I believe I would have plastic wrapped myself to save the mortician some time, as I was behind him. God is apparently still peeved at me drunkenly peeing on the virgin Mary statue after a night full of eggnog and loneliness.
But he wasn't done, apparently, as I still had to walk behind the gentleman through the tunnel and to the gate. I guess when death is in front of you, you tend to walk slowly. It was excruciating. I darted to a safe zone and sweet relief was had.
witchling_22: Super glad you're feeling better. I pity the janitors.
| 10 | 1.5 | |
1410917405 | 1418573422 | t3_2gm9so | t5_2to41 | 4 | izakaman: TIFU I snap chatted my dick to everyone
Im an idiot. I went hunting for a week up in the mountains here in the west coast. I had just downloaded the snap chat app to see what it was all about. As I was on my way home my wife sent me a picture of her boobies with the caption "if you aren't shaved you dont get these".
So being the retard I am I sent a response " sorry been hunting for a week." And a pic of my pubes and the top part of my shaft. I didn't bother getting semi hard for the picture which is better for pics since she had seen me in all states of penis size. At that particular moment it was a little cold so I wad not at an impressive size.
So then I look to see where to add a recipient, and then it added it to "my snapchat story" where people can view the picture unlimited times which I did not know at the time. So doing the smart thing I realized I fucked up and panicked and deleted the app. And called my wife, "did you get a dick pic from me?"... "No?" She says. And im like ok good maybe I didn't send it to everyone. And resumed traveling.
Then I go home and my friend calls to help me get his boat out of the water after that, I then head home to wifey. So I get back and we had been having a little fight over the phone earlier since I decided to help my friend before I came home.
So then I apologized for being a douche over the phone and I brought her a bottle of wine. As we're sitting there she's like "my friend saw your dick pic. I had no idea till before you walked in" Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
I then realized I just deleted the app and not the account. So I deleted the account. My wife was dying of laughter and still is.
So now I am laying in bed drinking some rum. Im getting drunk tonight then im going to turn on my phone to see who saw it.
ForeverUnity: Who saw the picture?
izakaman: Well it didn't turn out too bad. Couple of my wifeys friends saw. And i deleted my account so not many
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410917782 | 1410945556 | t3_2gmagq | t5_2to41 | 126 | Pupmup: TIFU by telling six consecutive interviewers that I was obsessed with poo
Apologies, it's not actually about something that happened today, but if I'd known about this sub back then I'd have posted it.
About four years ago I was out of work for a year. I went to six or so interviews over this time for big firms. Banks and the like in fancy high rise offices in the heart of London. I'd been thinking about it and had decided in advance of the first interview that when people asked me "what's your greatest weakness?", or "what would you most like to improve about yourself?", I'd tell them I was a bit scatty. Sort of gently absent-minded, if you're not familiar with the word. It's not really that big a flaw as it normally refers to small scale stuff like losing your pen lids, I could say it with a smile; a pretty good answer all round.
But in the first interview, surrounded by all this mahogany and glass, I decided on impulse to be a bit posh and use the full word rather than the shortened "scatty". So when the kindly white haired executive asked me "what's your greatest weakness then?", I confidently leaned back, smeared an abashed little smile over my face and said:
"I'm really scatological".
He looked at me for a moment and asked "Uh, oh - really?"
"Yeah", I said, grinning in what I thought was a charmingly self-effacing way. "I try not to be but I can't really stop myself! Haha."
He didn't know what to say to that. Neither did the five who came after him, and EVERY SINGLE TIME I smugly congratulated myself on such a brilliantly disarming answer.
Eventually it came out in conversation with a horrified but hugely entertained friend that the word I was looking for was actually "scatterbrained", and not scatological, which for those of you who don't know basically means obsessed with shit.
I stopped saying it at once and got the next job I applied for. So that's something.
Propyl_People_Ether: That's such a fascinating malapropism and here's why. The word doesn't mean "obsessed with shit", it means "pertaining to shit."
So you're really pertaining to shit! ... wait, what?
To compound matters, it's sometimes used as a synonym for 'obscene'. Dictionary.com gives for 'scatology':
1. the study of or preoccupation with excrement or obscenity.
2. obscenity, especially words or humor referring to excrement.
3. the study of fossil excrement.
If I'd been your interviewer I imagine I'd have scratched my head about it and eventually guessed you meant you had a filthy mouth.
Pupmup: Well, obsessed with shit is more or less the same as preoccupied with shit, surely?
Propyl_People_Ether: I don't know, I wouldn't think of archaeologists as obsessed with shit. But opinions may differ.
| 4 | 31.5 | |
1410918690 | 1410970337 | t3_2gmbxx | t5_2to41 | 91 | Fleshlight_fuckup: TIFU by bringing a fleshlight to an interview
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
So this happen about a month ago. I have been searching for a job since i got laid off from my last one. It really sucks too because I was laid off only weeks after I moved into my new apartment. I still sleep on a sleeping bag and a pillow as Im waiting to furnish my apartment once I get a new job. I got lucky and got a call for a great position and was ask to come in for an interview.
I stayed up a little late studying my old college coursework reading through notes, and books so I could be fully prepared. After I finished my last minute cramming I put my books away and I was so excited that i just could not sleep. So i figured a good bit of fleshlight fun could assist me with it. Like any man would, I lubed up and stuck my dick in the rubber hole and that was that. I finished, put my toy back in my second backpack so visitors wont see it since my apartment is pretty bland and I was out like a light.
Next morning I woke up, and my alarm didn't go off. I rushed to take a shower, groom, and get everything ready. In the rush, I grabbed my pack and ran out. I was doing about 80 all the way to the office. Once I got there, I was pulled into his office and the interrogation began. After all the soft skills he started asking me some technical questions. A lot of numbers were being thrown at me and I did not want to get anything wrong so I remembered that I had a calculator in my pack. I unzipped and guess what fell out. Not only did my fleshlight fall out, the cap popped off and the toy rolled under the desk and stopped when it was up against the guy's foot.
So here we are, me sitting frozen, as the interviewer has Kayden Kross' rubber pussy up against his shoe. All I was able to say was "Wrong bag".
I picked it back up tossed it in the pack, and walked out without a word. Needless to say, I didn't get the job.
TLDR: An engineering firm now knows I touch myself at night... with a fleshlight
Finrod_the_awesome: I hope you are just skipping over the "I washed it THEN put it in my bag."
Yeah, no small discreet toys for men. When trying hide one I swear it seems like it's the size of a picnic table. I could never imagine traveling with one.
But to be fair when I was living in a hotel for eight months away from the wife the flashlight is the only thing that kept me married. Just saying.
Fleshlight_fuckup: Yes, I skipped over writing that part but i did. Those things require quite a bit of maintenance
i_pk_pjers_i: Just like a real pussy.
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1410919280 | 1410920027 | t3_2gmcx4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Electriranger: TIFU by eating.
(Like most of my TIFUs, this happened today [09/16].)
Today was one of the two days of the week where I go home, grab a bite to eat, and then take the bus back to college for my last class. This class, being Political Science, is a class I'm always fidgety in. Not sure why; maybe it's how the seats in the class restrict my thigh's blood flow.
Anyway, I went home, packed my PoSc book, and ate some food while looking through other fuck-ups. At about 2:20, I left my place and started walking down my street to the bus stop.
Suddenly, I get a call from my mom. I answered, and she asked me if I was at the University yet. I said I wasn't, and she offered to give me a ride. I thought, 'Sure, why the hell not?' and arranged a spot nearby for her to pick me up.
When she arrived, I got in the car and as we were heading down to the University, she said, "The new quesadillas arrived for the kids today and I brought you one to try."
(Keep in mind my mom is a supervisor at an elementary school, and ever since she was a cafeteria lady at a high school, she gives me spare food that she would've had to throw away.)
I took the aluminum-wrapped food item and I put it in my backpack, saving it for when I was hungrier. Then, she offered, "Do you want to try this soy milk?"
I, being surprised that the elementary school had soy milk, take the soy milk and drink it as my mom explained how only one kid is really enthusiastic about buying soy milk while all the other kids who can't drink normal milk don't want soy milk. I chug the whole thing on the car ride there, and I had the quesadilla in my backpack in case I got hungry. I thought I was good to go.
When my mom dropped me off, I immediately walked in the 100+ degree heat wave and went into my building. There was a class going on like there normally was when I got there, so I took out my PCT (Personal Computer Tablet) and went on Reddit for a while. I watched people come in and people leave, and when the class was dismissed, I walked in and took my normal seat.
Has anyone ever told you that drinking any sort of milk in hot weather without eating anything with it is a bad idea? That's what I learned the moment a girl from my class walked in.
She asked me if the seat next to me was taken. I shook my head and said, "You can sit there if you want. We have no seating charts, anyway."
I realized when I finished that sentence that I had really bad breath from the soy milk. I wasn't sure why; maybe it was my lack of talking to anyone for about half an hour before finally talking to someone again. Either way, my breath was bad. Worse, I had to keep going with the conversation, trying to dodge eye contact, praying she couldn't smell my odorous mouth.
After a few minutes of insecurities, she went to talk to another girl who wanted to sit next to her. I had no breath mints or anything, so my only option was to try that quesadilla my mom gave me. It was the perfect moment, so I fumble in my backpack for the wrapped pizza-like food item and tear out the tip of it.
From the corner of my eye, I could see the guy who sits diagonally behind me. He was setting up, taking things out of his backpack and talking to whom I assume was his girlfriend. I always (meaning all the lectures so far) thought he was kinda cute (not that I'm romantically interested in him; I have a boyfriend), but I didn't have the guts to really try and be his friend. New friends were things I didn't truly have so far in the college year, but with my shyness I couldn't start a conversation with him.
I turned back around with my backpack on my lap, hoping that maybe he didn't see me, and I observed the "pizza" tip in front of me. What was so different about this one? I noticed the crust was a different color than what it normally was, and I popped it in my mouth and started chewing.
'Eh, tastes a bit bland.'
I started chewing a bit more before I turned around to put my backpack on the ground. When my backpack was behind me, I looked up.
He was staring right at me.
'Shit.' I don't do too well when people I don't know are watching me eat. I always felt abnormal when someone did that.
The feeling he gave me when he was staring in my eyes, though... It was like he was bringing out the innocence I hid so long ago with his sight.
But at the same time, I felt kinda embarrassed. Did he see me observing the piece of quesadilla before I popped it in my mouth? Did I look awkward?
Not knowing what to do in the two seconds we looked at each other, I waved sheepishly (I couldn't really talk with my mouth full) and turned back towards my computer, continuing to chew.
Maybe he finds me weird now, but at least I got rid of my bad breath. Maybe he won't even talk to me, but who knows?
**TL;DR: Drank soy milk in a 100+ degree heat wave, got bad breath, observed a piece of food awkwardly before eating it to rid of said bad breath, caught the attention of a cute guy while I was chewing, sheepishly and awkwardly waved to him in embarrassment.**
slormer: Pretty sure he was just staring at you or your burrito because it's what we do. You're being paranoid as hell, you didn't fuck up.
Electriranger: It was probably just me because I ate a piece of it while the rest of it stayed in my backpack.
Then again, with how much I twitch and squirm in that class I wouldn't be surprised if at least one person in my class thought I had issues.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410919955 | 1410920334 | t3_2gme43 | t5_2to41 | 8 | ROWDY_RODDY_PEEEPER: TIFU by streaming porn to the wrong Roku.
After sharing a Roku with the family, I decided to get one of my very own. I loaded up the regulars (NFL, Netflix, Youtube, etc.)
Since its my own box, started doing a little research and found some free apps that allowed me to stream anything from my device to the Roku (porn).
The issue is that the device names for each Roku gets jumbled up, so to be safe, I stream a song to test it out.
So earlier Im just watching porn, and I accidentally beam it to what I think is my Roku.
I quickly grab the remote to shut it off.
The thing is that I was never prompted that it had received a beam.
A few seconds later from the kitchen I hear...
"wait, WTF?!?! Where did this shit come from??!?!"
I am currently sitting in my room, waiting on the outcome.
Astridasteroid: Dude I didn't even know you could do that?!
ROWDY_RODDY_PEEEPER: Yup, it definitely helps take the load off, but in the last hour or so, it is a load of trouble.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410919815 | 1410922554 | t3_2gmdv9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by answering an email
Happened today and I feel horrible. Nothing catastrophic and nothing to do with sex or shitting myself so don't waste your time.
My coworker forwarded me an email he got with a question from one of my clients. In his email he said "can you answer her PITA question?" I'm like "Pita? The bread? Weird typo"
I go ahead and reply to the email and add in the clients email so she gets it (duh). Few moments later my coworker comes up to me and says "Why did you send her my email? Why would you do that?" I say "I just replied and added her in I didn't think it was an issue?" He goes "Do you know what PITA means?" I say no and he informs me PITA means "PAIN IN THE ASS". SO he said "pain in the ass questions" .
I didn't fucking know that I thought it was a goddamn typo. So now the client (who is SO sweet and nice) thinks we were being a jerk to her and my coworker thinks I'm an asshole cause I'm I basically sold him out. I feel like such a dumb bitch.
mad-n-fla: Tell him you had a PEBKAC error.
[deleted]: Had to look that up too - and I don't think she noticed thank god.
| 3 | 3 | |
1410922367 | 1410925141 | t3_2gmi0c | t5_2to41 | 8 | ass_whuppington: TIFU by telling a classmate that I fucked his dad.
I was in the back of health class and a kid near me was flipping me off while maintaining steady eye contact. I decided to run with it, and got a little carried away. The following interaction occurred:
**Me**: "Yeah? Well I fucked your dad"
**Tough guy**: "That's gay"
**Me**: "Not as gay as your dad"
**Tough guy**: "Fuck you, my dad's dead"
**Me**: "Yeah, I fucked him too hard"
He now wants to beat the shit outta me. Oops.
karmalamma: if true find his grave, always be a man of your word
WastedKnowledge: Alpha ass fu...never mind
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410920045 | 1410925982 | t3_2gme9g | t5_2to41 | 20 | Austin_LeBlanc: TIFU by getting some action at 9.
Not making a throwaway, since this isn't too too bad.
This is my first post, so bear with me here. I've been lurking for a few months now, and figured it was time to contriboot.
Rewind to back when I was like 9. My mom had brought me and my family to some random co-worker's 4th of July party. Now, I was a 9-year old surrounded mainly by middle aged engineers. I scanned the premises, looking for something to occupy my ever-decaying attention span, and I spotted a 30's-ish lady with a baby. Now, she wasn't just cradling this baby. She had one of those weird cushion-your-fall-with-your-infant-child harnesses that basically smother the child in the woman's breasts. Anyways, I approach the baby-mama and ask if it's okay to touch it. (Don't ask why I was such a weirdo. It still remains a mystery to me.) So, I grabbed what I /thought/ was it's foot. The woman's face instantly began to flush with color. I wasn't sure what was going on. I asked, "is this his foot?" She shakily muttered something that resembled, "Nooo..."
It was then that I realized that I had been touching her left breast the entire time. How did I manage to confuse a baby's foot for a boob, you may ask?
Cut me some slack. I was 9. How many boobs had you grabbed at 9?
Tl;dr I was stuck at a boring party and violated a partygoer that was 4 times my age.
[deleted]: How is this something you fucked up today?
Roman_Statuesque: > All titles must start with "TIFU". However, your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1410922107 | 1410927251 | t3_2gmhls | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my first dick pic
This happened while cooking dinner one night. I am eating that dinner as I type this. A true TIFU.
I have a GF of 4 years. She is currently in the middle of a 3 week hospital stay. We have an American Eskimo dog that gets more action than I do. She requested that I send her random pictures of the dog while shes in. I am obedient.
But, not without flavor. After a few pics of him *smiling*, playing with a ball, and so on, I start to ponder. How do I jazz him up? How do I make her smile? It occurs to me. I've never sent her a dick pic before. She is easy going, so she'll laugh. That's just what she needs right now.
Response:
"what the hell is that pink thing on the ground? it looks like a severed hand"
-"that is a close guess. It is definitely an appendage."
"Just tell me what it is please! I'm on drugs and I cannot guess plus I'm on my way to passing out."
-"That would be my dick"
"omg"
"Never send me a dick pic again please!"
-"Had to happen sometime. Damned cameras and nudity all over the place."
"crying face emoticon"
-"I am sorry my penis upset you."
"I just didn't like it in a picture with my baby boy. And with no warning! It wasn't cool man."
-"I never drew a blue duck before. So I wanted to to draw a blue duck."
"You certainly drew something."
Additionally, TIL my girlfriend can't recognize my dick. =( /deadbedrooms etc...could cross post this everywhere.
S0LDIER-X: Today is a learning day for me... The fuck is a blue duck?
moondoggie_00: That is a movie quote from Billy Madison. First reaction I could think of.
S0LDIER-X: I remember a giant penguin from billy madison but i havent seen that movie in years.. that's the one where he goes back to school right?
moondoggie_00: Yeah. In this particular scene he passes the first grade by drawing a blue duck.
It was a metaphor for my first dick pic.
S0LDIER-X: I need to watch a bunch of his movies again.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1410924387 | 1411020106 | t3_2gml6i | t5_2to41 | 2 | scratchy_mcballsy: TIFU by texting multiple girls at work I love them.
Should have named this "TIFU by thinking I had my drinking problem in check."
So anyway, I set my alarm for 6 AM b/c I have a 7+ hour drive coming up. It's 5:29... I drunk texted a lot of people in my phone. A lot. Two of them are girls I work with and am crazy about, both with boyfriends. Texted one of them (at least once) "I love you" and more. The last thing I saw was "are you drunk?" Also drunk texted my mom- did not look at that one. Tomorrow should be fun. Also, I'm pretty sure I forgot to pay my bar tab tonight.
It also seems like my habit of punching walls when drunk is back. Can't wait to see what wall I punched a hole in this time. Now It's 5:49. I can already feel the hangover setting in.
Correction. Told both girls I love them. Will probably have someone confiscate my phone for a bit...
1st_lurker: Note to self. Keep drinking so I can have crazy TIFU stories.
check.
note-to-self-bot: A friendly reminder:
Keep drinking so I can have crazy TIFU stories.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410924229 | 1410926681 | t3_2gmkxp | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by lying about smoking weed
So long story here but I'll shorten it as much as I can.
Met this girl off Craigslist last night (start the judgment now) and we really hit it off. We saw a movie then came back to my place where I cooked her some dinner and watched some TV. Everything was going swimmingly until we started talking about drugs for some reason (I think Drugs INC was on TV now that I think about it).
She tells me how weed has always been a huge turn off for her, how every guy she's dated who smoked has been a complete asshole, how it makes you lazy (insert generic weed stereotype here) etc etc, how being around weed is like a second holocaust, whatever. I got the point.
So she then turns to me and says "hey, not to sound too shallow or anything, but I can't date you if you smoke." This was a huge red flag as I smoke pretty much everyday but I was really into her and said "psssh what do you think I'm still in college or something? haven't smoked that stuff in forever". She says "good" and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek.
This was when I fucked up. She asked to use my bathroom to which I told her where it was and continued to watch TV. At this point I'm getting tons of signals from her that sexy time is around the corner and getting excited. But right after she leaves to go to the bathroom I facepalm because I realize I hide all my stuff in the bathroom. And by all my stuff I mean my entire collection of everything weed related. So I get up from the couch and race to the bathroom only to see her standing there with a look of disgust on her face. There, inside the cupboard which she opened for some reason, is my bong, my rolling papers, my grinder, my 3 pipes, a vape, some more rolling papers, a couple high times magazines and of course a fat bag of marijuana.
I just look at her and go "I mean, every now and then...."
She leaves immediately, cursing me and saying shit about hating liars, etc etc
I get baked, fap, and cry myself to sleep.
imacyber: "I get baked, fap, and cry myself to sleep."
So you came out even, could have been much, much worse.
Next time you'll be a bit more honest :)
4edgy4me: Haha! Yeah, it was definitely a shitty way to end the night, but could be worse....I could be homeless and a paraplegic I guess.
imacyber: I've only been on TIFU for a few days and have seen some really messed up things happening to people on dates. you got off lightly ;)
4edgy4me: Haha I concur. I've seen the same! Some people have the worst luck...
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1410924054 | 1410961135 | t3_2gmknp | t5_2to41 | 3 | Elexaz: TIFU by wasting a day and a half getting my computer back to normal.
So I got an email a week ago from Comcast telling me that my computer has bot (virus). They say "Oh, you better take action, this bot can steal your info, make your comp go slower, keylog....yadayadayada. So of coarse I freak out and go into panic mode. I spent the day changing my passwords to my paypal, ebay, bank account--all the important things. I then decide to reset my computer to factory settings to make sure I get rid of this bot. I then spend all next day downloading all the games and other programs I need (ya I know I should have backed it all up--but I'm a paranoid person and I believe those programs might be infected). To top it all off I have all ready forgot half my passwords I re-made because I was in such a frenzy to change all of them and never wrote any of them down.
Now today I get an email from Comcast again basically saying, "TIFU lol, we screwed ~~up~~ you. There was no virus, it was an error on our part. That sucks for you, haha." (except they were much more formal about it).
Lesson learned- don't flip out and go ham on your computer if you think you have a virus. Get a mal-ware destroyer and run it to clean up your computer. Oya, and write down new passwords.
[Proof](http://imgur.com/a/X9Glm)
imacyber: How would comcast know you've got a virus? Are they wizards?
Elexaz: I have no clue. Kinda scary that they know that info though.
lord_sherlock_holmes: they...they can see what you download and if a file has been flagged as having viruses, etc, and you download it, they will sometimes notify you
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410924943 | 1410965278 | t3_2gmm2b | t5_2to41 | 614 | [deleted]: TIFU By Sword Fighting my Nephew at Toys R Us
Today, my pregnant sister asked me to accompany her to Toys R Us to pick out a birthday gift for our older sister's daughter and shop for a stroller. My 6 year old nephew and I being in Toys R Us decided to wander off and look at, well boy things because fuck shopping girls. We stumbled upon the Nerf section, and by stumbled it was a dead sprint to the isle with a lot of pushing and shoving to race, winner is king of the isle and can choose their weapon first. He won. We decide to Duel with Nerf Swords after he grabbed one, looked me in the with conviction and said, " My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." To which i readily grabbed a foam sword and began our duel to the death! After several minutes of hacking, slashing and name calling down isle after isle i decided i must play dirty. I turn and ran down the first isle grabbing a small rubber ball to hurl at my opponent I turned to throw and then... I stepped on a random toy twisted my ankle and fell hard on the floor, I could feel the instant karma radiating from my ankle. My nephew hasn't stopped laughing and decided to tell everyone that we met at the store, and my sister. I'm getting too old for this shit.
TL;DR - Sword fighting in Toys R Us. Tried to cheat and instant karma bit me in the ass.
exorciiist: A six year old who quotes The Princess Bride on command? Legendary
Malamutewhisperer: Legendary? Ok, fuck it, I'm just letting this one go...
lord_sherlock_holmes: Legen...wait for it..................dary!
BobVosh: [I'll see you shiver](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxPbu5LtXo4&t=0m8s)
| 5 | 122.8 | |
1410925138 | 1410926281 | t3_2gmmdq | t5_2to41 | 3 | BlueShire_Ace: TIFU by trying to piss off a tailgater.
Happened this past weekend,
I was driving back home at night on a two lane road with a 45 mph speed limit when I noticed a set of headlights coming up very quickly. Now I'm the kind of person that is usually going 10-15 miles over the the speed limit, a bad habit yes, but at least it justifies me being able to use the left lane. An SUV going at least 15 mph faster than I already am comes up behind me and starts riding my ass. Normally I would move over out of the passing lane to let people go by, but the fact that I was already doing 15 over and this guy was riding my ass kind of annoyed me. Being that we were in the left lane, there was much slower traffic to our right and merging over would slow him down even more, so he stuck it out. He was behind me for a good 2 minutes (tailgating the whole time) before I noticed that we were approaching the last car in the right lane for a good distance.
At this moment, I decided that I wasn't done with mister tailgater. I pulled along side my lane partner and reduced my speed to his so that the SUV couldn't go anywhere. I watched as he swerved lane to lane trying to bully one of us out of the way just enough so he could slip by and be on his way. After a good 3-4 minutes of fun messing with this guy, my new oblivious accomplice turned onto a side street and the SUV could finally blast on past.
This is where my enjoyment disappears altogether...
I notice the SUV turn into a complex, one that I am familiar with because I drive by it quite often. It's the center for the elderly that need living assistance..and connected to it is 24/7 ER. I watched as this guy pulled up to the entrance, jump out of his car, and run full speed inside. It was then that I realized that my harmless fun trying to piss off someone going to fast, might have cost them their last moments with a loved one. I am patiently waiting for karma to come bite me in the ass.
TL;DR: Tried to piss off a tailgater. Might have cost them their last moments with relative.
imacyber: Don't forget that his reckless actions put everyone on that road and nearby in danger.
JumboSlinky: But this is like someone driving their wife to the hospital when she is about to have a baby. For something like this, a police officer would give them an escort instead of a ticket.
imacyber: good point. Although with the power of hindsight, it may have been more effective to use less aggressive means of communication, perhaps a flash of the headlights from a distance, or a wave from out the window, signalling to move over.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410924951 | 1410926074 | t3_2gmm2o | t5_2to41 | 10 | murfyyy: TIFU By taking sleeping pills
This happened yesterday morning (its 1.35pm right now) but i haven't slept since then so it feels like TIFU. I found out I have Insomnia a week ago and have been taking prescription sleeping pills to put me to sleep. The issue with strong sleeping pills is that when i get up im still partly asleep and takes around 30 minutes to pep right up. I currently am unemployed because i just came back from a 3 month holiday and couldn't keep my casual job for when i come back, so this means I am home when no one else is, and this means i don't have to worry about wearing clothes or exposing my erect penis to women right? Wrong!
Every Monday the cleaner lady comes and cleans the house and i have never been home while she has been cleaning. This time i was. I get up feeling fresh as a not-so-fresh daisy as i am still half asleep, I take my clothes off in my room because i can and ignore that I have a raging boner to walk to the bathroom to have a shower. I walk in naked, shes on her hands and knees, i stop about a meter away from her and stared at her all confused in my drugged up funk, then after some time as my mind processed what i just did, i began to slowly back away with no words spoken, erect penis and all while trying to make it seem like it happens all the time so she doesn't get freaked out which now seems fucked up because that would freak her out more. Fuck.
imacyber: "back away with no words spoken"
omg dude I cracked up. This pretty much happens to me on a weekly basis, except its a team of cleaners. They've grown used to my naked, half-asleep self stumbling from room, to kitchen, to bathroom. no fear, no worries. ;)
murfyyy: So its not just me? This sort of thing happens to me all the time too! Seriously i get caught fapping way too often.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1410927296 | 1411151307 | t3_2gmpjz | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by pocket dialing my girlfriend
So I'm in the military and we have nightly formations here and there are girls that live in the same barracks as the males. Not the same room just building that's normal. Now I have been dating this girl for 3 years I have been hated by her parents for these 3 years just because I decided to date her but whatever most guys wouldn't put up with that shit for as long as me but I'm loyal. Anyway after a year I started getting accused of cheating with my best friends underage little sister. She's like my little sister so the thought made me laugh in her face. Fast forward to last month (meanwhile I've been dealing with the whole random cheating accusations up to this point) and I just skype chat and give her a tour of the barracks and there's a girl here and she flips shit I just yell at her calling her stupid because I gave her no reason that I would be cheating and all of her accusations are false and that she should shut the fuck up about the whole cheating thing because I'm a firm believer of if I'm willing to cheat then I should leave you. I hang up and she apologizes which is weird I won an argument. Now last night I'm talking to this girl who is engaged and we are just telling jokes. I pocket dial my gf leaving a voice mail of me and the engaged girl laughing and talking. Formation over I get a metric fuck ton of angry texts ending with I AM NEVER GONNA TRUST YOU AGAIN YOU LYING CHEATING ASSHOLE. I go get on skype walk over to engaged girls room knock and have her tell my gf herself she is engaged and getting married soon. After the short convo she had with her. I walk back tell her to quit her accusing bullshit and hang up I haven't been texting her since and all I have been getting is mood swinging texts from her the last one reads "Just go stick your dick in some random military pussy and get it over with" to which I reply your being stupid I spent 2.5 years with you without sex and I never chased you for it im not that type of guy. And now she won't talk to me without some sort of petty remark of me being a cheater so fuck it.
TIFU by telling jokes with my engaged friend and pocket dialing my insecure girlfriend who still doesn't get that I will never cheat after 3 years of loyalty.
imacyber: Sounds like she's alot of work, perhaps not worth man. you need to bring this up with her. She's making it difficult to remain faithful in my book.
GhostlyTempest: followed your advice thanks
| 3 | 1 | |
1410927094 | 1410985265 | t3_2gmp9j | t5_2to41 | 393 | MisterPresidented: TIFU When my company hired a girl named Diversity and I made a joke.
This happened this morning at around 11. I was tired and it was getting closer to lunch and I was very hungry. So, needless to say, I was in a foul mood. I work at a soul crushing job in assets management in New York City (Flatiron District) and that also doesn't help. It also didn't help that the G train smelled like vomit, the L train was late, and it was raining as I walked the last part of my commute to work without my umbrella.
Our boss likes to gather us around like sheep at around 11 for a meeting and this meeting was probably going to be the usual talk about how we needed to work harder. Instead, he introduced to us a new colleague saying that her name is Diversity.
In a micro-second I processed this and blurted out, 'Finally!' - I work in a office of almost all of white people.
No laughs were heard. Diversity turned out to be a white lady, also my new Supervisor, and that afternoon we all were going to have our Quarter reviews with her.
It did not go well.
EDIT: She goes by 'DeeDee' and has a strong Southern accent. The Quarter review was with my previous Supervisor and her tag-teaming me like a bad porno. I felt beaten down afterward :(
Daniel-H: The real people to blame are the parents. Who the hell names their child "Diversity?"
ethicalissue: And who the hell keeps that name into adulthood?
auhnix: Even shortening it would be better. "Versi". "Ersity". "Diver"?
[deleted]: Holy Diver
NRCSLC: You've been down too long in the midnight sea...
[deleted]: In an old wooden ship
| 7 | 56.142857 | |
1410928605 | 1410970649 | t3_2gmrfl | t5_2to41 | 5 | sockgorilla: TIFU by buying a milkshake
Some friends and I are going on a road trip. We're driving in shifts so we stop at a fast food place, and I buy a milkshake. Then when it's my turn to start driving, I milkshake in hand decide to focus all of my attention on the milkshake instead of merging onto the highway; I then proceed to go across two lanes of traffic, narrowly avoiding an accident, with everyone shitting their pants and forever thinking of me as a bad driver in the process. Good times.
michiganmade88: What flavor are we talking here?
sockgorilla: I decided to shake it up and go with a strawberry milkshake.
cd2007: I detect a hint of being defensive in your strawberry milkshake as well. Are you a guy?
sockgorilla: yeah, but I don't see what's wrong with strawberry, normally I'm a chocolate guy.
| 5 | 1 | |
1410915888 | 1410985012 | t3_2gm78t | t5_2to41 | 30 | internethertspert: TIFU by sending my gf a dirty text at the absolute worst possible time.
TIFU by sending 3 small texts to my gf. Let me tell you, this shit only happens in movies, I swear. It was my gf's birthday, and her mom (who i had not met yet),dad, and sister were all visiting for the weekend to sorta hang out and celebrate. We decided we wanted to take them to our favorite brunch place on Sunday and drink mimosa's for a few hours, eat an endless amount of food, and relax.
We showed up, got some food, got some mimosas, got more food, more mimosas, etc... After some small talk about this and that, the subject of Michael Phelps came up from the previous summer Olympics. It wasn't about the whole pot smoking issue, it was about his nike jacket he wore that reflects an absurd amount of light, seen [here](https://s3.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/c9nrO0zlenGNYJI78YsgZg--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7cT04NTt3PTYzMA--/http://media.zenfs.com/en/blogs/sptusolyexperts/149504644.jpg) and [here with a flash](http://reform.lt/data/images/2012/09/tumblr-matq6mwwjb1qdp36go1-1280.png). My gf was trying to explain how it only shows the nike swoosh, and he didn't understand so she was on her phone looking for pictures of it.
During this process, she was replying to a bunch of texts from her friends saying happy birthday and all and the rest of us were casually chatting.
Suddenly, a wild thought appears in my head and i must take action on this. I grab my phone and text with the phone under the table, near my lap and send 3 texts all back to back, saying "I really wanna...", "Fuck you", "Right now", in that order. They were all typed in rapid succession too.
Not even 2 seconds after firing these horribly immature texts (I'm 31 btw) to her, she blurts out "Oh dad, i found the picture, here, look" and proceeds to hand her phone over to her dad across the table. At this point i had some serious wtf did i just do thoughts going through my head and panicked. I reached across the table to her dad and said "Hey can i see that for one quick second", hoping that he would passively hand the phone over, i would play dumb and say "oh nevermind" and hand it back once the texts messages showed up. But nooooooo, he wants to see this damn picutre of Phelps wearing this jacket.
Sure enough, I am freaking the fuck out, looking at the screen from a sharp angle from where i am sitting with respect to him. Then i see it. A little notification drops down at the top of her iphone. It's too small to see what is being shown. Then another drops down. At this point I am thinking of those Southwest airlines commercials, "wanna get away". Absolutely. I decided that i'm going to tell them I feel sick and need to go home, must be from drinking last night. Then i hear from across the table from her dad, "What is your last name"?
I sat in silence for no kidding about 2 or 3 seconds. I knew he was asking my last name because some guy named <My First name> <Last Name> just sent some pretty dirty texts to his daughter while he was looking at her phone. As a side note, her parents are very reserved, european, and do not think we should even be sleeping in the same bed, even though we're both adults). Well, the first name of the text matched, and now i was sitting there deciding whether or not i should lie about my last name. I felt like there was an eternity of time that passed and I played out the life i would live saying one name or the other. I came to. As i was opening my mouth, my gf's mom asks "Oh, do you go by your last name"? , having no idea wtf just unfolded. I shakingly said, "Oh, no i dont, although some people at work call me by my last name". Inevitably I turn to her dad and say "It's <My Last Name>", from which he then doesn't reply and turns his head back to the phone. Quietly looks at the this picture, and hands the phone back to her with a stern look of disappointment. I quickly grabbed her phone and looked at the texts to see my three texts sitting there like cancer. I still had no idea if the text notification showed what i had typed or only showed my name. So quickly I texted my gf again while holding her phone and sent "Oh fuck". I waited patiently, calmly looking up and acting as though everything was great. The phone vibrated and there is my name popped down from the top of the screen with the whole text visible.
That's it, I was completely screwed, her dad saw it all, he's gonna kill me. He gets up from the table and doesn't say a word and goes inside the restaurant to get food. My gf gets up and says she is going in for more also, I follow suit. As we walk around the corner, I grabbed her in a frenzy and repeatedly tell her how fucked I am and that he is never going to allow her to hang out with me. The only reason i'm really freaked out is because her parents are so uptight about dating, sex, etc. She tells me "Don't worry, i'll take care of it". In my head i'm thinking, "how the Ffffffff are you going to take care of this"?
So my gf walks down the hallway to the brunch buffet and i look down and can see her dad fuming, blankly staring at the omelette bar. I proceed to walk into the mens bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror thinking how much of a dip shit I am.
After a minute of washing my hands for no reason, i went back out to our table. Althought I know this is long, i'm gonig to cut out the last part of it, cause i'm going on too long.
To make a long story not as long... Out of pure luck, my gf saw the first text that said "I really wanna..." and thought that was it, so she proceeded to hand her phone to her dad. Her dad then saw "fuck you", "right now". He was mad because he thought that I was cussing at her. Again, her parents are very formal types. When she went to talk to him he just said "Can you explain what is going on here". She really doesn't know what to say, and she realizes that after he said "why would he cuss at you? Why would he say fuck you right now?", her dad didn't see the first text at all, only she did. She tells him that we play a drinking game called buffalo (which we do), and if you ever drink with your dominant hand, then someone can call "buffalo" on you and you have to finish your drink right away. Well, she improvised and saved the day by adding "No, dad, it's a silly drinking game that you say fuck you right now, drink, if you mess up and drink with your dominant hand". To which he then gets more upset because he hates drinking, and more, drinking games. He lectures her about drinking, and bla bla, and she was on her way.
She texts me everything she said to him and that it's all fine and dandy, which i refused to believe because i was still worried he was going to come at me with a knife. Our waiter gave me shit for not drinking as many mimosas as i normally do, only because i was in a very uncomfortable position. End of brunch and her dad followed me into the hallway and asked what was going on, i told him the same story since she had texted me and apologized for the incident. He was still mad for another hour afterwards, but eventually got over it. Another lucky chain of events is that on the ride home they asked her sister about the buffalo drinking game and we just happened to mention it to her and she told her parents "yea, they were playing it at brunch" which really gave evidence to our explanation.
In the end our friends said "oh it would have been better if he saw the whole text".... absolutely not, it would have been worse. But i've told this a few times at parties and it's a pretty ridiculous story that people enjoy. I have extra details about how he pulled me aside right in front of our waiter n all if anyone cares.
TL;DR;
I texted my gf dirty texts right as her dad got her phone, and out of pure luck and timing, we avoided a nightmare of sex lectures.
878lettuces: Enjoyed the TIFU, nice save.
internethertspert: Thanks, I tried not to drag it on, but there was a lot to cover. :)
| 3 | 10 | |
1410929788 | 1410931065 | t3_2gmt0k | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally showing my little sister lesbian porn (nsfw)
TIFU, FUUUUUCK this happened a few minutes ago!
I was in bed, it was what 10:45? Thats really late for her! I thought she was assleep. I have to share a room with her. So yeah, I was watching it,im so embarrassed that I was...and when I was finished all I heard was of her moving and getting off her bed (her bed is like parallel to mine) and I turn on the light because she startled me, and I asked "w..where are you going?????" Her-"I have to ask my mum something" and all I could think of was 'fuck she saw me wtffffff do I do??' At this point im really scared because my parents are strict. Very fucking strict. and fuckkk she's little! Shes 6, shes never going to forget, and what if she does tell the whole damn family. Im screwed you guys
Tifu by ruining my baby sisters brains.
pm_me_tits_and_tats: Who the fuck watches porn next to a six year old
I_Will_Try_More: Sound off and under all the covers I hope.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1410930183 | 1410966669 | t3_2gmtiu | t5_2to41 | 3 | zuemoe: TIFU by scratching my nose.
I was sitting in my ecology class when I get an *itch* on the inside of my nose. It was starting stress me out and eventually piss me off so I couldn't help myself and gave in to the pressure it was building.
Huge god damn mistake.
As soon as my finger reached the inside of my right nostril, blood went absolutely everywhere, pouring on my shirt, assignment, desk, floor, (you get the picture) I sprinted out of the classroom rapidly sniffing due to the mass amount of blood pouring out of my nose, rushed for the nearest bathroom, grabbed as many paper towels as I could, and stuffed them up my nose.
Five minutes later I figured that the nosebleed would have stopped, nope, it poured out even faster than it started and covered the floor and my hands in blood.
A few minutes later one of my friends came in to see if I was alright and sure enough he was pretty shocked to see me standing over a puddle of blood with my hands looking like I just did a heart transplant. I told him to tell the teacher I wasn't coming back there due to the raging embarrassment I had felt.
TL;DR I scratched the inside of my nose during class and blood went everywhere.
SpinalTaper: Goddamn, reminds me of my nose problems. You also get congested and sneeze alot?
zuemoe: Yes....
SpinalTaper: I think it's because I blow my nose like Louis Armstrong playing a solo.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410930971 | 1410991364 | t3_2gmuh4 | t5_2to41 | 98 | Sonderer: TIFU by accidentally convincing a few hundred people that I am a terrible human being.
So my fuck-up happened yesterday (sorry, I know I'm already off to a bad start) when I chose to attend one of the distinguished science lectures that my school periodically hosts for students and other people in the surrounding community. Let me start off by saying that these things are well attended, I'm talking like a few thousand people or so. And yesterday, the speaker was Dr Sapolsky, a well-known neuroscientist and primatologist, and he drew an exceptionally large and high-brow crowd.
In short, Dr Sapolsky's lecture was about how humans are similar to and different from animals. This argument included one specific point about half-way through his talk about how humans have the novel capacity for empathy. In order to make his case, he starts talking about the genocide that took place in Rwanda involving the Hutus and Tutsis. In summarizing the conflict, Dr S says the name of these tribes, A LOT. And each and every time he says them he is so composed and so nonchalant but the words themselves are just so childishly ridiculous-sounding.
Naturally, at the first mention of these tribes, my mind immediately leaves the lecture and lands on the classic Cards Against Humanity card. Now this card is and has always been one of my favorite cards and I am instantly amused at the thought of it. But I am also aware that I am in public in the middle of a lecture and I know that this is the last place that I can display any sort of amusement and so I struggle to maintain a straight-face.
I then become aware of my best friend in the seat next to me and I can tell right away that she is dealing with a similar struggle. Naturally, this makes me laugh even harder to myself just knowing that she is an equally terrible person. This realization means that at this point, I am having to put some serious effort forth to maintain my composure and meanwhile, at the front of the auditorium, Dr S is continuing to sadden the empathetic crowd with his regaling of this tragedy. It is important to note that in doing so, he keeps saying "Hutus" and "Tutsis", over and over and OVER again, and every single time my amusement is bolstered to a more uncontainable level.
By now everyone else listening to the lecture is feeling down in thinking about the horrors that were committed and the entire hall is DEAD. SILENT. and then 2 things happen simultaneously: first, Dr S changes the slide to show a picture of a mountain of skulls and a field of mutilated bodies, which were the products of the genocide, and at the same moment I finally lose my long battle for composure at one last mention of the Hutus and Tutsis and I let slip a single cackle. I am instantly horrified and I do my best to pass it off as a cough or a sneeze or SOMETHING but it's no use. Heads of all few hundred well-dressed, prim and proper people sitting closest to us turn.
Neither me or my friend are straight out laughing anymore but we are both equally appalled and amused at what I just did and in trying to keep from laughing, we are helplessly and quite obviously smiling. So everyone in this lecture within hearing distance heard me laugh at the genocide and then turned to see me and my friend smiling manically at two horrible images on the screen. Needless to say, everyone was clearly judging me and I missed the entire second half of the lecture just trying to keep from bursting out in full giggle-fits at the situation.
TL;DR: I unsuccessfully stifled a giggle at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis in the middle of a lecture. It was not even close to subtle and now everyone and their mothers thinks I'm a terrible person.
Kazakulr: When you're not supposed to laugh at something, it makes it 100 times funnier.
King_Allant: "You know what's even funnier than 24?"
fabio_approves: Genocide
King_Allant: ...25.
| 5 | 19.6 | |
1410927636 | 1410935984 | t3_2gmq2l | t5_2to41 | 3 | JosephHowards: Tifu by downloading porn
I was studying modern greek yesterday, late at night, i am a single guy, i thought i might download some porn and watch it on mobile phone to while laying in bed. I could barely hold my eyes open. I fell asleep while waiting for my porn to finish, i broke my glasses threw my phone to the ground accidentally and i have no contact lenses so i am practically blind for the rest of the day without a mobile phone...
imacyber: Am I right in saying the porn bit was irrelevant to this story?
jammy_p: yeah, what?? guess OP knew "i dropped my phone and broke my glasses" isn't really going to draw a crowd on this sub.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410927666 | 1410988376 | t3_2gmq46 | t5_2to41 | 234 | emwardont: TIFU by slacking on my Kegel routine
I am a girl who lives in a three-bedroom, two bathroom apartment with two of my best friends (a guy and another girl). We're all pretty close, but we have our own schedules and this evening was a rare occasion that I had the apartment to myself because my female roommate had a soccer game and my male roommate had just left for a concert with his brother. I was really pumped about just kicking back on the couch and watching some HBOGo, when nature called. So, I queued up the second season of Veep and hopped about four feet over to my bathroom, which I share with my male roommate. Spurred by the novel sense of freedom I felt after only five minutes of solitude in my own home, I decided to leave the bathroom door open.
About three seconds into relieving myself, I heard the apartment door open, voices, and people coming up the stairs. Not wanting to be discovered on the toilet by my roommate and his kinda cute older brother, I leapt from The Seat to close the bathroom door, which suddenly seemed like it was twenty yards away. I made it to the door and slammed it shut before they rounded the corner. I was about to congratulate myself for the surprising amount of hustle shown, when I felt the unmistakable sensation of pee running down my leg. Standing right behind my closed bathroom door, with my jean shorts and underwear at my ankles, I realized I was pissing myself. And judging my the trail of urine leading from the toilet to the spot where I was standing, I had never stopped peeing during my entire maneuver.
I cleaned up my mess and was going to wait for my roomie and his bro to leave, but they just kept talking, and I didn't want to seem like I was spending a super-long time in the bathroom, so after checking my face, I opened the door and casually exited the bathroom into my living room. I was confused because I could hear them, but didn't see where they were standing. It's not a huge apartment, and it only took me a couple seconds to realize that the voices and sounds I'd heard were coming from the episode of Veep, which I'd apparently started on accident when I embarked on this whole free-pee adventure. I texted both roommates asking if they'd come home for a brief minute, but neither of them had. Thus, confirming my suspicion that I pissed all over my bathroom due to a false alarm caused by my TV.
TL;DR: I jumped up to close my bathroom door because I thought my roommates had come home, but really it was the TV that I heard. I didn't stop peeing when I jumped up from the toilet.
MuffinPuff: You gotta start practicing stopping your flow ON the toilet, love.
Aszuul: but it hurts.
MuffinPuff: If doing that hurts, I'd be getting checked for a UTI.
Aszuul: Um no... Peeing doesn't hurt, stopping the flow suddenly does.
MuffinPuff: And I'm saying it shouldn't. Any pain from that area could be a UTI.
Aszuul: Like doing curls can give you a viral infection.
MuffinPuff: ...what?
All I know is I've never experienced any pain from a sudden interruption. The only time I experienced pain and irritation from my urinary tract was when I lived off of sodas, was constantly dehydrated, and had a shit diet, and that was many years ago. To stop peeing just shouldn't hurt, period.
| 8 | 29.25 | |
1410930195 | 1410937103 | t3_2gmtjc | t5_2to41 | 4 | spruzo: TIFU by stating my love for anal beads.
Tonight at around 10pm my SO and I are a smidge high and want to go to the local grocery store for some Cherry Garcia ice cream. I tell her that I will buy if she drives. Her car is set up so the passenger side is facing the sidewalk. She walks around to her side and starts ruffling through her purse to find her keys. She can't find them and says, "Ugh! I can't find my keys!"
Now from time to time I like to joke and I say to her, "They're in my ass." Right after that sentence I hear a slight pitter-patter behind me. I think oh! Its raining! (I LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! It never rains. High me assumed it was rain... Internal face palm.) And continue my thought with, "Pull them out if my ass like anal beads." I then hear the pitter-patter again but louder. I whip my head around and in my dismay lock eyes with an old women, at least in her late 60's, and her dog. Trying to enjoy a nice walk. She looks back with the most disgusted 5,000% done with this shit stare. I turn my head back around and my SO and I just give that awkward laugh/smile.
Now keep in mind this women is old. She takes at least 30 seconds to fully pass us so we just stand in silence.
TL;DR: As a joke told SO to pull her keys out of my ass like anal beads. But I actually make the younger generations look like a bunch of heathens.
tantilatingty: Plot twist they really were in OPs butthole
[deleted]: http://i.imgur.com/NGcGvF2.png
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1410933433 | 1410998114 | t3_2gmxcf | t5_2to41 | 9 | FLJuggler: TIFU by reacting out of instinct
For background check out the username...
Now that that's done we can move on.
My girlfriend and I have recently moved to New York (2 months ago) and have been having friends and family come visit from Florida for unicycle festivals and mini-vacations.
This week we have her cousin and cousin's boyfriend sleeping on our pull out couch. After a long day of playing tour guides around the city yesterday we hit the bed pretty hard and didn't plan on waking up until absolutely necessary, unfortunately for me that was sooner rather than later. I was woken up by my girlfriend after a small but deep six hours of sleep to the request for the wifi password for her cousin's boyfriend; no big deal, find the sticky note it is written on and I can go back to bed. Sadly it was not that simple. After having rearranged the living room half a dozen times the sticky note has been misplaced, so now I must open up the computer and look for it under my settings. This is mildly difficult with a full morning bladder.
I decide to relieve myself while I let the computer boot up, thus sealing my fate for the day. Still groggy, I make my way to the bathroom and lift the seat and let the waters flow forth. Now I should mention that around our toilet we have one of those aluminum racks that fit behind and above the tank (to hold towels and such). This rack also happens to have small slots in it for whatever reason. My girlfriend's cousin has apparently rested her curling iron in one of these slots in a rather precarious manner but I do not take notice. At least not until I let the seat fall back into place, jostling said aluminum rack, and releasing the fiery rod of doom from its perch. Not considering that the curling iron may be turned on or even plugged in for that matter I instinctively reach out to catch the falling foreign object and save it from its certain demise. Proudly I embrace my trophy as though I had just caught the final club of a perfect routine and am beaming with pride.
I have typed this for you with my nose as I play the longest game of hunt and peck.
(I eventually got him the password for the wifi and have fortunately not blistered from the burn)
Tldr: Girlfriend's cousin's boyfriend needs wifi password and I am woken up to find it. Have to open computer to locate it but need to piss first. As I close the toilet seat, girlfriend's cousin's hot curling iron falls from towel rack and I save it from hitting the ground as any juggler would have done, thus burning my hand in the process.
[deleted]: C'mon guys, give him a break. He had just woken up
lord_sherlock_holmes: They are just saying this because they were hoping he would have dropped the hot iron on his cock and balls.
[deleted]: I was kinda expecting for that to happen to. But it did not meet my expectations.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1410934130 | 1653444418 | t3_2gmy3k | t5_2to41 | 22 | soggypaw: TIFU by putting hand sanitizer on my balls
So I was on break at work, sitting in my car, when I decided to go for a little pinch and roll action on my balls. Generally, I will do this when I have a little privacy to make up for all the time I can't scratch my nuts when I'm out in public, so for me, nothing out of the norm. I'm reading some ESPN on my phone, when I realize the sun is setting a bit so I decide I can take my sunglasses off. Naturally, I don't set my phone down and use that hand to take the glasses off and instead take my hand out of my pants to remove the glasses. It's then that I realize I've got a pretty strong odor of balls/Gooch sweat coming from my pinch and roll hand and I decide I have to do something about it. I remember I've got some hand sanitizer in the glove box and decide that it's a pretty good way to kill that smell. After soaking my hands in the sanitizer, I get the great idea that I can deodorize my balls as well with the sanitizer. I put a couple of pumps of the sanitizer in my hand and dive into my pants to rub the stench out. After one try, I decide a second slathering will certainly do the trick so I dig into my pants and get the sweet spot again. Satisfied with my decision making, I begin reading ESPN again. It wasn't 30 seconds later that I feel a strong, cool sensation intensifying in my pants. The intense cool feeling then immediately turns into an intense burning sensation and that "great decision" to deodorize my balls has become a nightmare. It felt like I set my balls on a stove top burner. For a solid 3 minutes I was in intense discomfort until the burning finally subsided. Today was one of the most terrible 15 minute breaks I have ever taken.
Tl;DR: On my break at work I smelt my stinky ball/Gooch sweat and decided to use hand sanitizer to deodorize. My balls burned like they were on the surface of the sun for about 3 minutes.
IEatBaconWithU: did this just now, 7 years later.
i kinda liked it.
soggypaw: 😂😂😂😂 how did you find this 7 year old post?
IEatBaconWithU: i got scared for my future kids and decided to go on google
soggypaw: Good news. You will be just fine. I have an 18 month old son and a daughter that will be here in a month or so.
Best of luck to you, random internet stranger that put hand sanitizer on his balls like me.
Curious-Car4201: so I recently found out, I had a bacteria on my pubic hair don’t know why because I shower but according this happens because of bad hygiene I believe its because maybe I dont shower with soap, just let the water hit and I saw somebody say hand sanitizer can help do you think its really dangerous or should I be fine?
soggypaw: Yes.
Curious-Car4201: Thanks sorry, will do!!
| 8 | 2.75 | |
1410930283 | 1410939769 | t3_2gmtnw | t5_2to41 | 3 | Yawgie: Tifu by taking a flight home...
This did not happen today...
A few years ago (2010 or 2011) I took a trip to Oklahoma, I stayed for a week to visit someone. Nothing bad or exciting happen during my stay, the week passed by rather quickly (lots of Patron was consumed). I took a plane home. One lay over in Denver and another in Chicago. I was sitting in the window seat after departing from Chicago. Next to me was a woman who appeared to be between 40-50 years of age, next to her was another woman, who appeared to be a little older. Anyways, nearly half way through the flight I asked the ladies if they could let me by so I could use the bathroom. They gladly got up and let me by. I strolled to the back of the plane, noticing both bathrooms were locked, I waited my turn. A brief moment passes before one is free to use. I go inside the bathroom, shut the door, undid my belt and pant buttons then proceed to relieve my bladder... About 15 seconds into relieving myself the door abruptly swings open...
Behold! The woman who was sitting right next to me had opened the door. I forgot to latch the door shut. I was just standing there, fluid expelling as she gazed down at what she walked into. I immediately appologized and frantically tried to shut and latch the door, while trying to continue relieving my bladder.
Absolutely the most embarrassing thing to have happened to me. Yes, I should have winked and invited her in, but I panicked. Needless to say, her and I did not speak another word to one another during the rest of the flight.
TheodoorfromJaffa: It was her tifu, not yours!
Yawgie: I'm the one who did not turn the latch to where it says "Occupied." So, it was my bad.
| 3 | 1 | |
1410933147 | 1410936730 | t3_2gmwzo | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a personal ad in r4r. I guess I didn't realize how many lonely guys are on here.
24(F) here. I made a personal post describing myself physically a little bit and mentioning that I was sad that I had been cheated on recently by my boyfriend while he was in a foreign country on business. I had no idea what shit storm it would bring. My inbox was completely flooded in a matter of minutes. I kid you not I got about 300 messages ranging from supportive and empathetic to completely disturbing. Some had pictures some did not. I never even provided a picture of myself. Anyway, I'm not saying that I didn't appreciate the messages that were nice and genuinely just wanted to talk or say hi, however I did receive some rather disturbing messages.
davidis1337: Her ex cheated on her? Better show her my dick.
[deleted]: ^ THIS.
davidis1337: Though the thread is still up and you did give your physical description as well as say my pic for yours so Idk what you expected.
[deleted]: No it isn't are you serious? I deleted it or so I thought...
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1410932804 | 1410937918 | t3_2gmwlf | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to get back at my roommate
I was trying to get back at my roommate for being a dick earlier, so I crushed up some laxatives and put it in his pasta. I washed my hands afterwards, but I guess I did not get all of it off because I have the runs now.
chintzy: This happened to me once but with LSD
chachachoudhary: I think that would make for a much better story
chintzy: I didn't actually give it to someone who wasn't expecting it that's just fucked up. But yeah even if you wear gloves that shit will absorb through your skin. Most people who sell it or handle it a lot are pretty much constantly at a baseline high
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410933878 | 1410940228 | t3_2gmxte | t5_2to41 | 9 | throwapledge: TIFU in my fraternities election.
Throwaway
So I'm a freshman and college and I'm pledging a fraternity, the names of both will obviously remain to myself.
Anyway tonight were the elections to hold positions among us pledges, and me being the clever genius that i think i am, decided to run for the position of Master Pledge (basically the president) at last minute. Like seriously last minute; I raised my hand when he asked who was running and I said "Fuck it" and shot my hand up.
I gave a short speech, it went well. then the brothers started asking me some questions:
"Who was your favorite president?”
“Kennedy. He fucked a lot of bitches. ” *Uproarious laughter ensues*
Awesome that went great! I just have one more question, theres no way ill mess this up.
Next question:
“Suppose we were at this house party. You see a few of your friends getting into a fight and also your girl is passed on the couch, and John(fake name) over there is on the prowl and he's about to take her to his room. *Points at big dude on the couch.*
I answer as follows
“I dont know about those 3 guys over there fighting, but if you're about to snatch my girl then we’re gonna have to step outside.” In front of all the brothers and pledges.
Now i have this one brother who probably wants to (and will) beat the hell out of me, and also became the ‘that guy’ of my pledge brothers. So yeah, just wanted to share my misfortune and a most likely difficult pledge process.
[deleted]: I don't get it. You are going to get beaten up for stopping one of your "brothers" date raping your girlfriend while she is passed out? He's exactly the kind of guy you don't want in your fraternity.
I would also hope the three guys fighting would stop to help you out in that situation.
PersonalsThrow: Agreed.
| 3 | 3 | |
1410937941 | 1410967941 | t3_2gn20p | t5_2to41 | 3 | MrJimMorrison: TIFU Buying an Xbox One
Before I get started with the story let me roll things back for a second. The day before the incident my mom received a phone call from Mark (my cousin) saying that he was on his way over to the house coming from Rogers Mobile/internet company. Mark had just signed another mobile contract concurrently with his previous phone to get a new one. Keep in mind that his ‘old’ phone is less than 4 months old.
When he gets to my place he decides to give me his Samsung galaxy S5, remember that, it’s important. Fast forward to the next day, Mark’s mother kicks him out and he promptly asks for his phone back to pay for ‘rent’. I agree to give him back the phone. As a concession he agrees to help me buy an xbox one.
So the deal was in place. I would trade in my Wii U as well as my copies of pokemon x, GTA V and skyrim and he would trade in his xbox 360, 3DS and various games. I also agreed to make up the difference by giving him my old iPhone 5 which Mark agreed to sell to a close friend for $200. We make our way to EB games and make the trade (getting abysmal trade value) and with the money remaining Mark purchased a case for his new phone.
After we finally get the xbox home Mark expresses his hunger to my mom. He explains that he is in the mood for mcnuggets. My mom tells him that she does not have the money to afford fast food right now and offers alternatives that she can prepare herself. He then expresses his disinterest for my moms offerings and decides to go home. Allegedly after leaving my place he makes his way over to the mcdonalds and spends his last $10 buying a mcnugget meal. Unfortunately for him he wasn’t meant to have mcdonalds that day and shortly after deficated in his pants and instead of promptly finding a change of clothes he decides to take a nap in the ‘woods’. Whatever that means.
A few hours later when I’m asleep my mom receives a phone call from Mark’s mother claiming that I had taken advantage of him and that he wanted the xbox back. My mom disagreed and tried to explain that I contributed to the deal and gave him my phone to absolve the outstanding balance. His mother insists that I exploited him and my mother decides to hang up.
In the morning I receive a Facebook message from Mark saying that he was in possession of my bike and that he wanted the xbox back. He expressed that he wanted to reverse the deal and if i declined he would keep my bike. He also said that if I disagreed to that he would get the cops involved. It’s about 6:30 in the morning and I briskly walk over to his house to recover the bike. Luckily he was asleep when I arrived and I was able to get it from his mother without issue. I knew at this point I had truly escalated the conflict to defcon 1 by removing his only leverage in the situation. It was pretty tense after that.
What preceded was hours of dead silence, no phone calls no messages nothing. Hours went by and the conflict seemed to have fizzled out. Later that evening I get another message from Mark saying that he was on his way over to my house to get the xbox. I tried to explain that we had an arrangement and I’m sorry that there wasn’t anything I could do. He then begins to threaten me by explaining that he will 'kick my door in' and 'beat the duck out of me’. Keep in mind that he is still using a new phone and it auto corrected fuck to duck. Frightened and equally amused i told him that if he stepped foot in my house he would be arrested. He replied by saying he too had called the police and that he would be arriving via police cruiser. I then called 911 and explained the situation and was told to keep the Facebook messages.
An hour later the police arrive and surprisingly Mark’s suspiciously absent. He bluffed, well unfortunately for him, I didn’t. I explained the situation to the officer showing him my receipt and Facebook messages confirming the deal we had along with the threats he made. He asked if I wished to press charges and I said no and that I just wanted to stop being harassed.
Another half hour passed and Mark still hadn’t shown up. The officer radioed dispatch to contact him and establish an ETA. It turns out that he went to ebgames to get another copy of the receipt to claim ownership. He was also on the bus, not a cop car and would be arriving shortly. Another officer arrived before Mark and parked next to the first. Minutes later Mark arrived and the three begin to talk in the parking lot outside.
The first officer comes back inside and pulls out a bag from ebgames. He asked if I was interested in exchanging the following items for the xbox. In the bag is a copy of Skyrim Pokemon x, the iPhone 5 and a Samsung Galaxy S5. The same S5 that he gave me earlier and had taken back, ugh. I disagreed to the deal and the officer told me to have a great night.
Whew, well at least that was over. I then remembered that my house keys were left at my Aunts house, so I called and asked if she knew where my key was. She said she had no clue and that she was at the hospital. I asked what happened and she said that Mark was admitted to the hospital. Still confused I asked how that happened. Apparently the second officer that arrived was trained from Canadian mental health and deduced that Mark was clearly unwell. I asked if he was ok and to keep me posted. The following morning I receive a voicemail from Mark saying that he will give me his wiiu until he can get me another one and continued to express interest in getting the console. Ugh, he just won’t quit Sorry that was a mouthful and I’m not entirely sure how to turn this into a tldr. Anyways I will keep you guys posted with any new developments.
Edit: In the interest of time I also forgot to mention that I had previously purchased a google Nexus 5. Weeks earlier I left the phone at his house and when I returned to pick it up he claimed it was stolen by 'bums'. The deal I had made with my cousin accounted for my stolen Nexus. I agree that the deal may be considered unfair without mentioning that.
highertellurian: TL;DR he bought an Xbox one instead of a ps4.
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: Instead of pc
highertellurian: Console territory ps4>Xbox one :P PC kicks ass any day. Years ahead of consoles in gaming!
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410933151 | 1410940072 | t3_2gmwzu | t5_2to41 | 4 | Gnarslogge: TIFU by accidentally destroying my bathroom ceiling
This happened about 8 months ago, but I never got around to sharing it. Basically, our bathroom has one of those ceilings with styrofoam tiles. Now, due to heavy rain from the days before, the tiles had weakened significantly. I went in to take your old run-of-the-mill shit. Apparently, I opened the door so quickly that the air pressure in the room sort of pulled all of these tiles out of the ceiling. The lights went out, with the last thing I saw being part of the ceiling caving in. I immediately tried to escape, but I had shut the door pretty quickly, and due to the darkness, I couldn't find the door handle. When I finally did located the doorknob, I bolted. My sisters (I am only 14, so I still live with everyone else) started yelling at me, the younger one being in tears. Here's where it gets worse: my mother wasn't even there. She had gone to the gas station to pick up some fountain drinks. And here is where it gets much, much worse. She left her phone. We had no way to contact her, so the second she came through the door, she wouldn't have any time to cool down. Being grounded was too good for me. I needed to be physically punished for causing a disaster that cost hundreds, if not thousands, to repair. The next day, my face was still as red as a tomatoe. Being slapped in the face hurts.
Propyl_People_Ether: ...you literally just used the door as it was meant to be used. And rain shouldn't be reaching the ceiling tiles at all, if the roof is any good.
Your mother should be in charge of keeping the house in repair, and should NOT be punishing you for her own failures.
Do you have trustworthy relatives outside the house? Your mom's house sounds like it's neglected in ways which are illegally hazardous for a house with children, and it's very important that you find a safer living situation ASAP. I wish you the best of luck.
Gnarslogge: Without context, it really does sound a lot worse than it really was. allow me to clear some things up.
My mother had a lot of health problems to worry about. She was constipated for days on in. Next, let's add the legal problems. She was fighting a raging war with my father over custody, as well as the fact that he never paid child support. Next, she couldn't keep a job very long, and when she did, it was a gas station (which burned down, therefore costing her job). We simply could not afford to fix the roof, let alone an entire ceiling. However, that was months ago. She reconnected with an old high school friend, and they got together. We moved in with him, and now, knowing what it's like to live the poverty lifestyle, I feel like we're rich (doing well would better describe it). Our lives are much, much better.
Propyl_People_Ether: That's good to hear. Your post was... kind of alarming. Your mom slapping you for the fact that her roof was unfixed, though? That's still "today your mom FU and got mildly abusive." Yeah, maybe she was under pressure, but it's still a sign she's not running on all thrusters. So I still say: cultivate allies outside the house and remind yourself regularly that her problems aren't your fault, even if she tries to make you think they are. I'm glad things are better for you, though; I hope they stay better.
| 4 | 1 | |
1410939898 | 1410983414 | t3_2gn3v8 | t5_2to41 | 144 | keiraB: TIFU by stenciling my ass with my period blood
Warning: gross.
This actually happened today.
I guess technically yesterday since it's after midnight, but whatever.
So shark week hit me Monday and on Tuesday it hit me hard, as it usually does by day #2.
To begin, I should say that I went shopping and got some new undies over the weekend. Left the bag by the bathroom sink and just kept forgetting to take it to the bedroom. Tuesday morning, I get out of the shower and I need some undies ASAP or I'm going to turn the bathroom into something that resembles the shower scene from Psycho. Decide I should just do the convenient thing and grab a new pair of undies. Yeah, I know. DUMB DUMB DUMB idea. This could easily be regarded as fuck up no. 1. But my reasoning at the time was sound...I usually like to wash undies (even ones that seem perfectly clean) when I first get them because of slightly paranoid reasons. I figured I could put a pad down and bypass washing them without worrying about anything gross being in direct contact with my lady bits.
So most of these undies were little flimsy things but there was one that was suitable for wearing with a pad. It had a lacy back but the pad stuck fine in it and I was good to go.
I went to work and all was going well. Right around the time I'm ready to go, I can tell Aunt Flow is picking up quite a bit. I get off of work at 3 on Tuesdays and I was absolutely run down and exhausted by the time I got home. I took the dogs out for a short walk, come back, take some ibuprofen for the cramps that were about to bring me to my knees, and lay down on the couch to wait for them to kick in.
The next fuck up was me falling asleep. I drifted right off and woke up about an hour and a half later, realizing immediately what a bad idea this was. I knew instantly that there had been a leak down there. Laying on my back, wearing a pad that should have been changed before I took a nap...you get the idea. It spilled right out the back and into the ass-cheeks of my underwear and pants.
I get up, my immediate concern being the nice pants I had been wearing. I ripped them off and threw them into a sink of cold water. That's when I remembered I had been wearing my new undies :(
I took them off and sure enough, the back part that had not been protected by the pad was SOAKED with blood. I threw them in the sink with the pants and went to start the shower.
And that's when I caught a glimpse of my ass in the mirror.
The lace back of the undies had acted as a stencil for the blood and there was a darn near perfect imprint of the lace design on my own ass. It would have looked cool if it hadn't been, you know, period blood.
TL;DR: Fell asleep during a heavy day of my period, made a lovely lace design on my ass with my own menstrual blood.
CMYK2RGB: I'm so glad to be a guy after reading this.
coochini_martini: I seriously think guys could not handle periods if it happened to them instead of us!
Dirty_Thunderstorm: but if it did, then we'd have a vagina...and the same hormonal makeup...so we'd kinda be the same.
coochini_martini: Just pretend your gooch has a hole with no other function than to bleed for 7 days.
Dirty_Thunderstorm: but the vagina has a function, plus the urethra is very close to it.
The fact is that saying "I doubt men would be able to handle periods" is the same as saying
"oh my god women are just better because vagina." which is a worthless statement.
coochini_martini: I was just talking about the hygiene part of periods. If men suddenly had periods... they would have a bad time.
King_Allant: Seems like everyone has a bad time with periods.
coochini_martini: I can only speak for myself. They definitely aren't fun, but I manage them pretty well when I'm not a complete fucking hormonal monster. Wait...
King_Allant: No matter how well you manage them, they'll never be a good time.
| 10 | 14.4 | |
1410943054 | 1410994158 | t3_2gn6k0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | senju_: TIFU Being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Ok so that is not entirely accurate I made some very poor judgments to get to this point but right now I am absolutely fucked.
I see a fwb once a fortnight some times monthly and we smoke a little meth and fuck, I see her a total of one or two hours. This has been going on for a little while now without incident but today when I went to visit two Gang Members burst into the room moments after I got there and accused us of being dealers.
They threatened and intimidated and searched us, I got a few smacks with a small club they raged thinking I was lying. But I could not prove a negative but that was lost on them. Things started to get really tense once the room was torn up and nothing was found.
There was talks of taking my cards and draining my accounts, putting me in the boot of the car. All this is crazy because I am a very casual user I am hardly there I know she does a bit but is in no way a dealer as far as I know, but it seemed they had me pegged as the supplier.
Luckily they started fighting among themselves the older guy started to yell at the younger guy he had wasted his time and had lied etc etc
They took my phone and it was my work phone so it has ALL my details they also took some cash I had on me only $200.
As they left the younger guy was getting a beating, the older guy telling us if every thing turns out ok in his "investigation" he would give back our stuff lol
I thought it was over and I got off rather lightly vowing to never go near that evil shit again. I was starting to feel ok sort of, then at work somebody called and asked if I could sell them something, I said I did not know what they were talking about some bullshitting ensued then the call ended.
Things had been quiet the rest of the day until two minutes ago my friend called asking me to come over trying to entice me with all sorts of promises. Pretty obvious set up I told her to say petrol if they were there she said petrol.
I turned off my phone and am huddled in the corner of my room. I am all alone I live by myself. I have tried to contact and old friend who has contacts but we have not spoken in years and there is some bad blood so that may not do any good.
I am seriously scared, I know what happens when they get their hooks in :( Sons Of Anarchy is bullshit these guys are animals.
Some of you might think I am getting whats coming to me, you could be right but it does not seem fair.
JordanGatsby: I could tell you fucked up by the second paragraph when you mention "smoke a little meth."
dishy_squishers: That was the second I thought "Wait, this shit might actually get interesting..."
MountainousGoat: And every ounce of sympathy I might have had went out the door.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1410944005 | 1410945692 | t3_2gn7cg | t5_2to41 | 22 | slept_in: TIFU by masturbating with habanero juice.
I love spicy food but I don't have very much experience cooking with super hot peppers. Usually when I get a spicy craving I just order out or add sriracha to whatever I'm eating.
Last week my friend told me the habaneros in her garden were done and asked if I would like some. I eagerly accepted her offer and received a freezer bag full of them yesteray. I wasted no time in cutting two of them up, removing the seeds and throwing them into my morning omelette with my bare hands. Maybe you see where this is going.
The omelette was a little hotter than I like but I still enjoyed it. After finishing my breakfast I went straight to the bathroom to take a shower.
My wife gave birth to our first child a month ago so we haven't had sex for six weeks with two weeks to go. Hornier than a moose in rut, I hopped into the shower and immediately went for the conditioner so I could get rid of one of the most uncomfortable boners I had experienced since middle school.
Little did I know that the habaneros had soaked my hands in capsaicin rich oils; they were mixing with the conditioner to make masturbatory napalm. Quickly I felt a tingle but was so eager to finish the job I just kept going. In about thirty seconds I had realized what was going on as my johnson went aflame. It felt like I dove dick-first into a fire ant hill.
Trying not to scream I grabbed the body wash and poured it onto my rapidly deflating and extremely painful member. It helped for a second, but then I got the bright idea of rubbing it in with a loofah to try to get the oils out. Turns out rubbing a chemical burn only makes it hurt twice as bad.
I sat in the shower wimpering for several minutes before it finally started to ease up. It's still a little tender but at least there aren't any blisters.
**If you handle extremely hot peppers use gloves and don't jerk off immediately afterward.**
dragonbud20: I grow ghost chilies, I once had someone rub their eyes after trying one even after being specifically instructed not to.
don't worry you didn't get off too badly.
OliStabilize: Jesus. I've had someone cough a speck of jalapeno into my eye. Possibly one of the most painful experiences of my life.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1410821459 | 1410957492 | t3_2gi73l | t5_2to41 | 2 | erictothewhat: TIFU by bringing up controversial Chinese/Quebecois politics with my (Chinese) math prof.
No, this wasn't during a lecture, but it was during her office hours.
I accidentally brought up subjects like the Confucius Institute to my math prof while getting help with an equation.
I don't know what came over me, I'm usually pretty quiet and respectful. In the moment I was hungry and tired, so maybe that's it.
After she helped me with a question I brought up what it's like to study in China. After that we discussed the value of learning things a computer could easily do for us. After that I brought up the Confucius Institute (i don't even know why) and then I brought up Quebec's approach to preserving French culture by cutting funding to English schools and institutions.
I feel so stupid right now and can't stop cringing at the though.
[deleted]: university de montreal?
erictothewhat: No, McGill!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410935096 | 1410946067 | t3_2gmz6r | t5_2to41 | 3 | drinkvoid: TIFU by not being at home
At the expense of my cat. She got overeager to get outside and got trapped in a half-open window. fuck... I hope she did not have to struggle for too long. I feel so so so very sorry, I even have been warned about the dangers of such windows for cat but dismissed them as she never tried getting out this way in my presence. which makes me even more of an ass. fuck. Friends helped me take care of the worst yesterday night. everything is horrible. i wish i could somehow undo this. how do i deal with this? ......
TheShpinx: /r/petloss
drinkvoid: thanks
| 3 | 1 | |
1410945309 | 1410946663 | t3_2gn8el | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally snapchatting a anti-cannabis, French girl that I really liked, a picture of a huge unrolled blunt at 1am
Things were going perfectly with 'Manon', I'm an English uni student and she is doing an exchange year in England, we are quite different people but we find that extremely interesting.
Anyway, she absolutely hates cannabis for some reason and anybody who smokes it, she is really straight edge, comes from a wealthy family, hard worker etc. And I kind of have a tendency to just fuck around.
One night when we weren't together I was smoking a little because I didn't get much chance anymore, we were texting, I was trying to act 'un-high' but it was difficult so I say I'm going to bed, to have some quality time with my bud. I say good night etc. and that's that, or so I thought.
Now is the time, she thinks I'm in bed, I'm going to smoke a huge blunt, the coast is clear, then watch a random documentary on Elvis or something in bed. I begin to roll the monster, half way through I realise this is a ridiculous looking smoke so I decide to snapchat my stoner friend a picture of it.
In my haste and excitement, and highness, I accidentally sent it to Manon, as soon as I sent it I just froze in an utter baked paranoid frenzy, with overtones of extreme dread. Then, I started laughing uncontrollably for a few minutes, realising the immense inexcusable fuckup I just did.
She replied instantly, 'weed?', and a few very awkward messages later that was the end of me and Manon.
OliStabilize: You could of saved that bro.
'Look what someone sent me, Isn't it disgusting.'
Rockery: Thing is with snapchat you can only send pictures that you've literally took that second, no saved ones, so there's absolutely no excuse. I checkmated myself.
TomW344: Nope. You can send old pictures too. Little bit of bullshit could've saved your ass.
Rockery: The old pictures are (or were) sent via the chat feature of the app though, which is different to the normal snapchat pictures. I tried to think of every excuse possible at the time
TomW344: 'Took a picture of my PC Screen'? Shit, I dunno. Did she pretty much delete you straight after, no exception?
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1410947622 | 1410968994 | t3_2gnafo | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by not deleting a joke Craigslist post.
I introduced a co worker to craigslist when he was looking for a new truck. His curiosity got the better of him and he started exploring casual encounters section and reporting his findings back to me. Another co worker and myself thought it would be funny to make a post describing him, something that would catch his eye. He discovered it we all had a big laugh and I forgot to delete the post. Now I woke up to find 50 emails from gay truckers, woodsmen, and other rednecks describing what they would like to do to me and a 12 pack of Old Milwaukee.
dishy_squishers: eeewwwwwwww......Old Milwaukee.
bestsmithfam: I think I'd rather swallow a woodsmans load than a sip of Old Milwaukee. (I am not gay, Old Milwaukee is just that bad.)
dishy_squishers: Pabst new motto - it's at least better than woodsman's splooge
bestsmithfam: Audible laugh when I read this. Upvote. Wish I had 5 accounts.
LiquidEpsilon: Reddit accounts are free...
bestsmithfam: So why did I give that guy at 7-11 my credit card and checking account numbers?
| 7 | 8 | |
1410951104 | 1410985369 | t3_2gndi0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By letting not peeing in my crush's house
First of all , sorry if there's some mistakes or misspelling words , I apologize.
TL;DR : Went to crush's house , can't piss , meet friend told her i had a boner(It was not).Told me I was creepy , and to leave her alone forever.
So yesterday , my crush's house is near ( I'm 20Yo male btw) our college , and she invited me to come with her to her house to take some books she forgot. Still now everything fine , we laughed and talked , everything was so FUCKING FINE , until I told her I need to pee.
Then , when I went to the bathroom , she joked with me saying don't close the door so I can save u if u fell and die ( she was joking , or maybe was she hitting on me ? OMG)Anyway , 20sec passed and still can't pee , WTF ? Am I this stressed ? she then said , are u peeing like girls with a sarcastic voice , I then told her , it's just a weird feeling , idk why , anyway 1 min and can't piss . I told her then I can't do it rigth now , maybe letter , she joked with me saying maybe i had a small penis and we started laughing , anyway untill now things are still cool.
When we was backing to college , We met my best friend and we started talking when she said that i couden't piss in her house cause i was shy , AND THEN MY FIREND SAID MEN CANT PISS WHEN THEY HAVE A BONER , and then left.
She gave me one CREEPY LOOK , told me to not talk to her anymore.
toolazyforaname: Was she actually sitting there watching you try to pee?
Ugradera: no from the back of the door
| 3 | 1 | |
1410950338 | 1410971028 | t3_2gnctn | t5_2to41 | -2 | JubalEarly1: TIFU I sucker punched an autistic person
So I am at a party the next town over through a friend but I don't know that many of the people at it. To give some background on me I'm 230 lbs and built and like a running back. I never start fights with anyone but I've never been shy about my lack of patients for nonsense.
So we are there with 10 or 15 people hanging out and about 5 people walk in the door, start shit, and start pushing people around. Most of them are near the door and I have my back to them as this dude walks over to me and the couple people I was talking to and starts yelling at us and posturing about some crap I had nothing to do with. I don't know if he was hoping we would be intimidated or what but when we weren't he walked over near the door where most of his group were at.
I look over and there and the main instigator from their group seems to be a dude in a blue jacket pushing them around. A couple people that came in the door with them are now rolling around on the floor fighting people in the house and it looks like a full fledged brawl.
I decide I've seen enough, I set my beer down, walk up behind the dude and just as he started to turn I rocked him with my best shot. He lands by the door and is completely out cold but I get a look at him. It's not a him, its an androgynous woman with short hair who I find out later has autism. Now it makes sense why the people I saw from across the room who looking to be squaring off with her were arguing with her, they didn't want to hit her.
I felt absolutely awful about it but the people at the party I was at sort of shrugged it off as no big deal. They weren't mad at me, she came in the door instigating fights and it was a misunderstanding.
But its an autistic woman. I'm a monster. Things cool off and I tell the host of the party I'm going to get the hell out of there before the police show up and ask her not to give the police my name and she says she won't but doesn't sound very convincing.
Before I leave I see a couple people watching a cell phone video of it, they started recording the argument when I walked over from across the room and smashed this girl who is probably half my weight and was completely blind sided. It's awful, what the fuck have I done?
You can barely see my face on the video but if this gets out I am fucked. I ask the guy about it and he said someone else sent it to him and points out a dude who looks just like Skinny Pete (Jesse's friend) from breaking bad. I explain to the dude just how fucked I am if the video gets out (and probably goes viral) but he is so high he barely seems to understand what I am saying and points me to a flash drive.
I throw it in the computer in the living room to see if the video is on it but it's just a bunch of other crap. I look over and the Skinny Pete looking dude is sleeping on the couch. What the hell am I going to do? How many people have copies of the video by now? Nevermind the legal charges, my life is ruined. I look up and see 5:38 projected on the ceiling from my clock. I'm going to go back to sleep but hopefully I don't have any dreams that weird again.
DivinePrince: I'd hit her.
I do not like autistic people very much. they are fucking annoying and never understand their boundaries.
Chubby_Unicorn35: Bro do you understand what autism is? You are an incredible asshole
DivinePrince: I have known 3 people with autism for 17 years.
They are all fucking idiots
https://31.media.tumblr.com/8c6ab1ecfa951f1ae6d552ccef04912e/tumblr_inline_n9v8im5oyK1s5g9m3.gif
Chubby_Unicorn35: Well you are just a terrible person.
Gibtohom: Check out her profile and previous posts she is a fucking nasty person with her own problems that should make her empathise a bit with other people.
Chubby_Unicorn35: Lol wow that's just ridiculous how mean she is. I've never in my life heard of someone thinking autistic people are assholes.
| 7 | -0.285714 | |
1410927400 | 1410959058 | t3_2gmpqe | t5_2to41 | 2 | Hermes002: TIFU by implying I had a gay relationship with my friend.
So I'm in high school and I have one of my really great friends for French. Anyway he and I usually talk a lot for that class an there's a girl that sits in front of me. Out of the blue she asked us, " Are you guys best friends?" I turn to him and ask him, " I don't know are we?" He looks at me and says, "Nahh!" She laughs, but like a dumbass, I keep the conversation going. I then say, " We have a love and hate relationship, where we like hate each other, then we make up." She giggles then turns around. Now looking back on it I feel she might think that my friend and I are gay.
Blood_and_Sin: well... are you two gay for each other? I notice you dont explicitly say you arent.
Hermes002: No we're not gay. That's another reason on how I fucked up.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410952309 | 1410955030 | t3_2gnepm | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling the guy everyone hates that I'm his friend
This happened on the day that the year was graduating. I sat right behind the guy everyone hates/dislikes and he started a conversation with me, lets call him Chris. Chris is hated by the year due to numerous fuck ups throughout his schooling, an example includes getting his rocks off at a camp that the year went to and being an overall douchebag by bullying people.
While I'm not a very popular guy, i am at least acquaintances with everyone in the year and have a decent social standing where i don't get bullied and get acknowledged, like everyone should, however i feel like I may have alienated myself from everyone when I said in sarcasm that i was Chris' friend. This may lead into our formal tomorrow, where i have to sit next to the guy.
chrschsch: everyone hates chris :-(
SilentOneBravo: chris should talk to Raymond
| 3 | 1 | |
1410953582 | 1410959443 | t3_2gnfzj | t5_2to41 | 269 | dezzybird: TIFU by wiping
Earlier today, I felt nature's call as almost every man, woman, child and beast does on this Earth does so ventured forth to the abode of my porcelain savior. I remove my lower clothing (as I am told is customary) and begin my business. However, I notice something glisten in the waistband of my boxers and upon closer inspection I realise it is a sowing needle, seemingly left over by whoever made or did the final adjustments on my cotton banana hammock.
I remove the needle (and a small amount of thread attached to it) to prevent any possible future punctures of the testicular variety, and decide this will provide adequate entertainment for the final moments of my bodily relinquishment. After a few more moments of twirling the needle in my fingers and generally playing with it as a baby does with anything jingly, I decide that my business has come to a conclusion and I must fill out the appropriate paperwork before going about my day.
However, ladies and gentlemen, I am not the brightest crayon in the tool-shed so, without thinking anything of it, I grab the toilet paper and begin the process. Unfortunately, the needle must have been held at a problematic angle for my good self so with the traditional flick of the wrist I feel a sharp pain, not too dissimilar to an especially bad cat scratch, as the needle scores a long, bloody trench into the inner part of my right butt cheek before I drop the needle and paper into the bowl from the shock.
Upon some more paperwork I am glad to see that the cut isn't too deep as there is very little blood, however I do not sit writing this in as a comfortable a position as I would care to.
Tl; dr: Like finding a needle in a butt-crack.
tfyuhjnbgf: You may want to consider going to a doctor or something. If you get some poop bacteria in the cut it could lead to it getting infected.
forte_bass: Yeah man, that shit can be dangerous!
whysoseriousgtr: All of this....OP....you two...
Epic.
| 4 | 67.25 | |
1410956573 | 1410982702 | t3_2gnjd9 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting really high in school
Aight', it happened pretty much like 1-2 years ago while I was learning software- and database management. There were two rasta guys who were selling that sticky icky, but they said that we really shouldn't hit it in the school. Unfortunately, we didn't want to wait and that's where we fucked up. That wasn't regular stuff you could buy anywhere, it was mixed or soaked with heroine before, so after first hit I had horrible chills and my friend was pale as fuck. Since the class was already started, then we had to join them which was also pretty fucked up idea. Anyway we got in the class and my friend sat next to me, he took out his notebook and asked me to lend a pen. Well, gave him mine since I forgot my notebook at home. Few minutes later he drew a massive dick on his notebook and same time laughing as hard as he can. Actually I was kinda scared, since our teacher was psychiatrist and we were learning customer interaction at the moment. Anyway, my teacher took out a camera and we had a game where I was roleplaying as company manager and my friend was unemployed and looking for work.
**Me:** Hello, take a seat...
**Friend:** *-mumbling-*
**Me:** So.. you look like a guy we are looking for, but we have some questions, so please answer them if you will.. Sooo you've been a maid for a two years, did you use a broom or...?
**Friend:** *-laughing his ass off, nonstop-*
**Me:** *-while terrified, I also started to laugh-*
*-Five minutes later-*
**Teacher:** Soo.. you want to start over or...?
Basically it was happy story, since we got at least C+, but after the roleplaying she presented everyone our 5 minute scene full of laughter. It was like chain effect, everyone started to laugh and thats how it basically ended.
Uggybuggy: No your just a fucking idiot.
GOASTT: You're*
You fucking idiot.
Hill_is4: You are all fucking idiots
XMATIC_4: ur al fkin idiotz
GOASTT: ua rl fnki dizoti
XMATIC_4: u l fk id
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1410957611 | 1410963639 | t3_2gnkrl | t5_2to41 | 6 | pschn: TIFU by hitting a family of Raccoons on my way to work. I think I killed all three of them. :-(
While I was driving to work this morning doing about 70 on a dark two lane road (the sun had not yet risen) I hit a family of three raccoons as the crossed the road. The sound was horrible and I could feel their little bodies roll under my car. Totally sucks. What a horrible way to start my day.
Zizekesha: This isn't exactly comparable and I'm gonna hop right over the standard defense mechanism because I'm in a hurry, but I killed a guy in Afghanistan once. Super ptsd later, needed extensive work. In the short term though, I developed a little thought that helped. You know Buddha's Four Noble Truths? Basis for his teachings? Well, the first is this: Existence is suffering. To exist is to suffer. No way around it. Consider those raccoons' lives. Flocking miserable, weren't they? Woke up every day and dodged cars to scavenge for food all day. They probably fight off a number of nasties in a standard week, all scarred up and... Eff that. I don't even want to think about what a raccoon deals with in life in the hours in between sleep. I'm guessing they don't have much of a capacity to even experience happiness. And you know what you did? You ended that suffering. You put that viscious, brutal life to rest. Where there was the suffering of existence, now there is the calm of the void. I saw a cat get run over last summer. I went over to make sure it was dead (didn't want to let it lie there in the worst misery), luckily it was. I didn't think "Aww, poor cat." That doesn't even make sense to me, I don't even-- someone would have to explain that to me. I thought "Rest in peace, brother cat." One day we'll all get there. There'll be turmoil. In life, maybe in death-- maybe you die a horrible painful death. But god, the sweet relief of knowing it'll all be over soon. I think animals experience this. Think about when you see a lion with a gazelle's jugular in its mouth. The gazelle's not dead yet. But it's stopped struggling. Look at the expression on its face: acceptance. Now it just waits for the end. This is life. I think we all need to learn that. Anyhoo, don't feel so bad.
pschn: Wow! Well, I see where you are coming from. I guess I feel a little better but in some ways a little more depressed about life in general. I guess there is truth in the statement "existence is suffering" but i've always felt that without suffering happiness has no meaning. I can imaging happiness in the raccoon. When he is successful in his endeavor to find food or protect his/her young I bet he gets some satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment. When you suffer/struggle and have a victory, no matter how small, there is happiness in that.
| 3 | 2 | |
1410962396 | 1411079512 | t3_2gnrhy | t5_2to41 | 53 | [deleted]: TIFU by being bored at work.
To start with, I'm a third shift Paramedic at a community (read "rural") hospital. We have a fairly low run volume at night so I spend most of my time waiting for a call to come in. Unfortunately, I'm easily bored.
So last night, bored again in between runs, I meandered over to the ER with my partner to chat. On the middle table at the nurse's station was one of the hospital's thermometers and in an effort to momentarily distract myself I placed a slip over the wand and popped it in my mouth.
"Maybe I have a fever and can go home," I thought.
"Or maybe my temperature will be abnormally low, that would be anecdotally amusing," supplied Counterpoint. All this to a background din of "Bored. Bored. Bored!!!"
To my dismay, in the middle of my diversion, which was only slightly more interesting than flavorless chewing gum, a nurse interjected, "That's the rectal one, dear." She then pointed at the device and added, "Red top."
Apparently, the only thing to stop a person from ass probing their mouth at my hospital is a red vs. blue top.
BLUMPKINFORCE: Only in the heat of the moment do you ever go ass to mouth.
[deleted]: You *never* go ass-to-mouth, *ever*.
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1410963891 | 1411015220 | t3_2gnu2w | t5_2to41 | 657 | Wambulance_Driver: TIFUpdate running over a bald eagle with an ambulance
[Original TIFU](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2gdrnt/tifu_by_running_over_a_bald_eagle_with_an/)
Updates:
* I will not be arrested, it was an accident. We called dispatch to let them know. They wrote the info down, not sure if anything else came of it.
* We drove past the location a few hours later when we were done with our call, nothing to be found in the area. Probably either picked up by someone, or dragged away by an animal.
* The location is close to our station on a main stretch of road we pass often. We have decided it will now be known is "Freedom Turn" and we will salute whenever we drive by.
* [Dramatic interpretation by /u/squiggle_master](https://i.imgur.com/bA5vVUB.jpg)
* America.
Houeclipse: TIL Bald eagle can't be killed in America
malz_: Same with Swans in the UK.
IRC you can be killed for it - obviously it's unlikely that would happen.
Dimsml: I thought it was ravens.
Mr_Cumbox: Don't you mean jackdaws?
^I'm ^^sorry...
RealJackAnchor: Jackdaws and ravens are pretty much the same thing.
sp00nzhx: He was referencing the /u/unidan scandal.
RealJackAnchor: As was I. I was waiting for the copypasta. It never came :(
sp00nzhx: ...I can't believe I didn't catch that.
Here, friend.
>Here's the thing. You said a "jackdaw is a crow."
> Is it in the same family? Yes. No one's arguing that.
>
> As someone who is a scientist who studies crows, I am telling you, specifically, in science, no one calls jackdaws crows. If you want to be "specific" like you said, then you shouldn't either. They're not the same thing.
>
> If you're saying "crow family" you're referring to the taxonomic grouping of Corvidae, which includes things from nutcrackers to blue jays to ravens.
>
> So your reasoning for calling a jackdaw a crow is because random people "call the black ones crows?" Let's get grackles and blackbirds in there, then, too.
>
> Also, calling someone a human or an ape? It's not one or the other, that's not how taxonomy works. They're both. A jackdaw is a jackdaw and a member of the crow family. But that's not what you said. You said a jackdaw is a crow, which is not true unless you're okay with calling all members of the crow family crows, which means you'd call blue jays, ravens, and other birds crows, too. Which you said you don't.
>
> It's okay to just admit you're wrong, you know?
RealJackAnchor: To be fair, raven was substituted for crow. Makes a little difference when you try to recall it.
| 10 | 65.7 | |
1410901460 | 1410969802 | t3_2glhts | t5_2to41 | 2 | RomeNeverFell: TIFU by breaking a Novara football player windscreen wiper
So all this actually happened a couple of years ago. I was in Milano Marittima, a famous beach locality in Italy, and I was with a friend of mine in a parking lot next to the beach and we both were completely shitfaced (we didn't get much luck with the girls so we decided to drink). Because of that I had the bright idea to break a random car windscreen wiper, as I was doing that the lights inside the car turn on and a black guy rushed out of it. Of course I ran, and of course the guy started running after me, I actually was outrunning him before I fell and bruised my arms and legs. When I stood up I was bleeding and I was also very scared of the guy just beating the shit out of me (my friend was screaming ''don't hurt him, please!''), but, instead, he just said something like: ''I'm not gonna do anything to you, I just want you to pay for the car part''. The guy also took us home and told us that he was a player for the Novara football team (we checked that out and it was true) and that he didn't actually need the money, he just wanted to teach us a lesson, he was also bothered because was inside the car with a girl. We didn't have the 200 plus euro needed for the reparations so we ended up selling all the we had and use all the money we had left.
TL;DR: broke a football player windscreen wiper, sold some weed, payed him back.
EDIT: Grammar.
lord_sherlock_holmes: I'd have had you thrown in jail for being vandal and a douche fucking bag!
RomeNeverFell: I know, I was drunk and I regret doing that. But unless you live in fucking China I guess you don't go to jail for vandalism.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410967483 | 1410999098 | t3_2go0jq | t5_2to41 | 144 | Bnlol1: TIFU by browsing Reddit in school
This just happened a few hours ago. Anyways, in my highschool we have wifi, which you log into with your student ID, meaning they can see every time you tip off their system and visit a "restricted" site.
Now, they usually don't care if you're trying to access Facebook or Twitter, or just some social media. However, if you try to access anything related to pornography, it's suspension.
Luckily for me, the school hasn't heard of reddit and it's not blocked. Ive been getting on it every day on my phone without a single problem. However, i decided to browse /r/wtf . Everything was fine until i click a link about a guy committing suicide or something. This linked to liveleak.
For some reason, this is set as PORNOGRAPHY/ILLEGAL ACTIVITY to the school wifi.
20 minutes later and I'm suspended and my mom wants to know why i was watching porn in school.
Edit: Talked to my mom. She didn't really care, she understands
And the suspension is only 1 day. Basically i don't come to school tommorow and that's it.
Bluesfire: Ironically I found this post while browsing Reddit in school. My school allows Reddit but the second a word is deemed "Inappropriate" anywhere on the page it gets blocked. Luckily there are ways around it, though.
fb39ca4: Does using HTTPS work?
Futuristic_: Reddit is blocked at my school, but HTTPS will work
fb39ca4: You're lucky then. My school's internet filtering is probably better than China's.
photographernate: You might look into the TOR project. /r/tor
fb39ca4: I have. Ultrasurf also works.
| 7 | 20.571429 | |
1410965946 | 1410980782 | t3_2gnxp2 | t5_2to41 | 163 | SmurfUnunoctium: TIFU by Not Obeying our Google Overlords
I had to catch an hourly bus to a very important meeting in a nearby city. Google told me to take a specific bus and leave at 8:30. Being the usual careful person I am, I left at 8:15 and grabbed a bus running the same route (same number, different letter). The difference between the two is that I would have to wait longer for the suggestion but I would save 10mins of walking. Also the bus Google suggested makes a turn one stop before where I should get off.
Well there was an accident right after the intersection where this turn would be and the bus I took was delayed. I watched my bus leave as I was trying to get the kiosk to print me a ticket, 10 meters away. Now I'm late.
Should have obeyed Google.
Bonus FU: I took the opportunity to have a Pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks as I've heard many good things about it (I almost never drink coffee or $5 beverages). There were some wasps flying around and one landed on me so I tried to blow it away. I'm blew it right into my barely consumed drink.
TheBakersSon: Pest Control Technician here. In the event that a wasp lands on or near you, run away screaming like you're a little girl. It's the only way.
redarrow420: I agree that this is indeed the only way to deal with a wasp, although I have found freezing in whatever position your in can also prove effective.
[deleted]: > freezing in whatever position your in can also prove effective.
Especially if they are swarming all over you and stinging you like mad.
| 4 | 40.75 | |
1410970297 | 1410971321 | t3_2go5te | t5_2to41 | 8 | WWLadyDeadpool: TIFU by riding my scooter to my night class
I had some car trouble, and still had to go to class, so I rode my 49CC scooter. It's almost an hour trip on the scooter, and class let out at 9:30 at night.
After being nervous almost the entire way, I get onto my street. I was half a mile away. I could see my house. Some drunk clipped me going 20 miles over the speed limit and destroyed my scooter.
I spent 4 hours in the ER, my wrist is insanely swollen but not broken, so I waited 4 hours for a brace I could've gotten at Walgreens, I'm covered in abrasions that won't scab over so my clothes keep sticking to them, and got shit from 3 people for not wearing a helmet despite not actually having a head injury.
Special bonus: my puppy's feet are right at knee level, and my knees are both raw.
Toke_n_Ride138: "TIFU by riding a scooter"
Fixed it
WWLadyDeadpool: It's not so bad for trips to the beach. It's definitely not made to leave the city.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1410970367 | 1411048704 | t3_2go5xh | t5_2to41 | 310 | whatthespicy: TIFU by sending a customer the wrong link
This actually happened about 10 minutes ago and I am still laughing about it. I work in tech sales and often give customers demos of our product over WebEx. Usually I send them the link to our meeting a few minutes prior so they know where to find it.
Last night, I was watching stupid videos on r/videos and came across [this one.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZY8qdCQovU). It nearly had me in tears I was laughing so hard.
So this morning I come into work and I decide to share my new favorite video with a few friends. I copied the link and sent it to them over facebook. Then, I realized my meeting was happening shortly, so I went into webex and got the link for that meeting to send to the customer in an email. Only I guess I didn't copy it right, because I sent them the link to the yodeling video instead. I didn't realize until 10 minutes later when they did not show up to the meeting. Then I checked the email thread and realized I had linked to the yodeling video.
The customer has still not responded and the meeting was supposed to be 20 minutes ago. TIFU.
spaceRangerRob: I'm in tech sales too. If your client is actually pissed you did this then you probably don't want them as a client...
korukyu: Unless their grandfather was killed by a yodeling gangsta and it just stirred up all the bad memories of the sordid incident :(
n1ggeritis: Why are you assuming those guys were gangsters?
L0VEME: , said 'n1ggeritis'.
n1ggeritis: Are you saying you never got the itis before?
korukyu: Well, it's never swollen up before...
| 7 | 44.285714 | |
1410970615 | 1410987927 | t3_2go6ec | t5_2to41 | 16 | choes35: TIFU getting caught absolutely jerking myself silly by my auntie
I had no idea my auntie had plans to stay over for the week as she has a checkup at a hospital near our house (my mother tells me nothing). I finished work early today so I came home with the nostalgic feeling i used to have coming home from school as i knew my parents wouldn't be home for a few hours. Masturbation was simply a habit in these circumstances. One slight problem though. My laptop is broken and after several unsuccessful attempts to log into my mothers laptop I decided to go to the shed, get the old vhs player out as well as dads 'hidden' 70's porn video tapes. I hook it up, press play (have to rewind the bastard, as this isnt the first time ive gone to these measures) finally get to a part which is 'wankable' and go for it. So here i am, pants pulled down to my ankles, standing no further than 2 metres from the television, wanking as if my life depended on it when i here a "ohh fuck sorry" (and footsteps running back down the hallway). I pause for a moment, gather my thoughts as to not only who that was but as to how I am going to squeeze out of this one. I rip out the vhs player go to my room and stay there, in sheer darkness hoping it was all just a terrible dream. My mother comes into my room when she gets home and says to me "have you said hi to your auntie?". Lets just say it was an awkward dinner.
tl:dr - was caught masturbating by my auntie in the awkward circumstance that i was watching 70's porn, standing up with my pants around my ankles in the living room
[deleted]: The power of a comma!
TIFU, getting caught, absolutely jerking myself silly, by my auntie
TIFU, getting caught, absolutely jerking myself silly by my auntie
DUCKFUCKER3000: shut the FUCK up, infidel
[deleted]: are you stalking me?
| 4 | 4 | |
1410970752 | 1411048592 | t3_2go6nc | t5_2to41 | 468 | [deleted]: TIFU by showering during a fire.
This actually happened a while ago but hey I thought I would contribute. So basically I was in my flat at university and I had a really important lecture that day, and so of course I wanted to look as glamorous as humanly possible. The lecture started at 8am and I wanted to grab a bite to eat before hand so I decided to have a shower at about 6:30. So I was going about my own business, having a shower when suddenly the fire alarm for my building starts blaring out. I had shampoo still lathered in my hair, in the shape of a pineapple, and I freak the fuck out. I had a huge internal debate at whether I should get the shampoo out and dry off properly, get dressed calmly etc or if I should get out the building as fast as possible. The latter is what happened.
I basically fell out of the shower and couldn't find a towel, so started sprinting butt naked around my room for something to dry off with. I couldn't find anything so would have to put my clothes on straight away as I was still dripping wet. As I ran to my wardrobe, my flatmates started banging on my door screaming my name to hurry up and if I was ok and to get out of there as soon as possible. Me, naked, terrified and panicking said I just needed five minutes to get ready. Of course they thought that meant make-up etc so they started trying to open the door, shouting at me and generally freaking me out further because I didn't know how serious the fire was.
I pull on a pair of jeans (with no panties) and the first top I grabbed (no bra) and sprinted out the door with no shoes. We all had to assemble outside (on the concrete) on a winters day. I. Was. Freezing. For some reason everyone else was ready and looking fine. I looked like a drowned rat. Better yet, the top I had put on turned out to be very thin and see through. Yep you guessed, the guys got an eye full of wet, clingy boobs through the top. We were out there for about an hour. Joy.
Oh my friends, it gets worse. I went back to my room and it turns out that I had left my key in the room in my panicked state. So I had to walk to the buildings help desk and ask for a guy with a master key to open my room. He took half an hour to come to my room and open the door. Half an hour of me standing outside my room wearing a see through top, the shampoo congealing nicely in my hair, freezing my ass off.
When I got in my room I literally threw on my business clothes and blow dried my hair. I ended up 5 minutes late to my lecture with the greasiest hair imaginable. At least I was wearing underwear.
TL;DR: Was having a shower when the fire alarm went off. Went outside wearing no underwear and locked myself out of my room.
UPDATE 1: Wow I didn't think I would make the front page! Thanks! And yes it was a drill. If I had known this I would have taken my time and leisurely gotten dressed, but thanks to my flat mates banging on my door and screaming for me to come out I thought the whole fucking building was aflame.
UPDATE 2: For all of you who are asking me to post pictures of my tits; no. Just no.
TangyToddler: The fire alarm wasn't the only thing that got them up before class.
stewbaroo: I don't get it.. Did they get up early for a good meal or something?
Da_Porta: You *can not* be that stupid
stewbaroo: You can't be so stupid to not understand sarcasm? Really?
Da_Porta: Your comment should read "you can't be so stupid **as** to not understand sarcasm. Really?"
stewbaroo: Your comment should read "I am an ass hole grammar nazi."
Da_Porta: This is how I see things: I correct your grammar, you call me an asshole grammar nazi (which I'm not. I'm Jewish). This is the internet. If you make a grammatical mistake, someone, somewhere, is going to correct it. End of story
stewbaroo: This is the internet. If you try to fix someone's grammar, you're an ass hole. If you can't take constructive criticism, get off reddit. Ass hole
Da_Porta: I don't think constructive criticism means what you think it means. It doesn't involve calling someone an asshole (one word, not two). It would involve you telling me how I'm wrong, while showing me how to fix it
stewbaroo: I am done. Goodbye
Da_Porta: If you have a valid opinion to express, I'd be happy to hear it.
| 12 | 39 | |
1410967015 | 1410980266 | t3_2gnzoa | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by making fun of my supervisor's acne on the first day of the job.
Hello Reddit,
Supervisor who was wearing glasses and had acne was giving us some training to help us get acquainted with our workspace and at one point I was amazed by his knowledge of everything so I was like "How long you been working here?" and he was like "5 years"... So I responded "Geez, five years, buy some sunglasses, and stop using acne cream and I'll be as smart as this guy."
A few others proceeded to laugh... he didn't... I eventually apologized to him as it was clear he didn't appreciate it.
We're cool now, but my god the things I say...
MistryMan14: Don't make fun of people with acne lol. My brother used to make fun of me when I had it on my forehead. Overtime, the acne went away but then my bro started getting it...and everywhere on his face. I was like "take that, motherfucker." And to this day, he regrets making fun of me.
throwmemars: I accept this possibility and will have the ability to laugh at myself if/when it happens.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1410973008 | 1410979748 | t3_2goaz0 | t5_2to41 | 20 | lucaio: TIFU by stalking a girl from Tinder
Over the past few days I have been chatting with some girl I matched with on Tinder, all is going well and seemingly pretty smoothly. I get her number and with a combination of this and other information I have learnt I decide to do some online "stalking" as you do to try and find out a bit more about your potential future wife.
I stumble across her facebook profile but it's locked down and there is nothing much I can see on there, but wait, what's that? A link? Where to? It was her personal website, a blog. Oh joy, this could be a gold mine!
I have a quick scroll through the front page and then click on to the "About" page. There are 3 social media icons leading me to further profiles (so I think), one for Twitter, one for LinkedIn and another for G+. "Great!", I think to myself. Click through onto Twitter, all is good. Then I remembered that LinkedIn tells you who has viewed your profile, so to avoid coming off as creepy I opened a different browser in incognito to check that profile, at this point I thought I was the master of online stalking.
Then there was that G+ link which I thought a simple click would bring me to her G+ profile, but no, I get a message box pop up with a message saying something along the lines of "You have publicly recommended this page as <insert name>".
Oh god, what have I done, now she will find out about my stalking activities.
Full panic mode engaged. I clicked the link again hoping it would undo my action but instead I just got the message again that I publicly recommended that bloody page. So I did what any sane person would do in that situation, I changed my name on my G+ profile, changed my picture and then deleted my whole profile.
I later realised this not only impacted my G+ profile, but every Google service I use (which is almost all of them). It even deleted my YouTube profile...
So far, she has not mentioned anything. I think I may have gotten away with it, unless she receives an email the instant anyone recommends her site.....
And I sure hope she isn't a redditor that lurks this sub....
Dagon_natas: You know....you could have just asked her whatever you were curious about.
lucaio: That's too easy
iliketowearhoodies: That's why you're on Tinder, and Facebook stalking people. Apparently you're much better at that. :)
| 4 | 5 | |
1410973299 | 1410977304 | t3_2gobjl | t5_2to41 | 14 | krazyflamez: tifu by buying a lemon car
B.C or Canada needs a lemon law. I recently bought a 2008 lancer from a dealer called Jordani Motors. He told me it was good, i test drove it everything sounded good. He said there was warranty and so I also bought a second warranty from him. Well it turns out the car was a lemon and the transmission blew up within 200 kms of driving it. I don't know what he did to make it drive decently when I was test driving it, but I do know he knew about the problem. I had the car for literally 3 days and it already blew up. I paid $12,800 for it.
Here's the better part, when I called him for the service history of the car, he ignores me and tells me he doesn't have it. Completely unhelpful and as though he knew what was going on. He eventually hung up and just told me to take it to warranty. How do I "take it" to warranty when the warranty requires I have the service history papers? Is this what we expect from Canada? Even the United States has lemon laws. How does canada not have it? If this was the case I could just drive right into his lot and give him back his car. Now I have to front a $5000 bill for a new transmission almost half the cost of what the cars worth.
The warranty he made me buy, turns out it doesn't cover pre-existing conditions of a car. This kind of stuff is hard to deal with when you're a student and working full-time. Life's hard man
krazyflamez: Yeah I'm getting to the carfax part right now, i'm trying to find out what dealership the previous owner brought it to because the car is from out of province. If I could even figure out where he had the transmission fluid flushed it'd be awesome. But thats going to take work.
The warranty he sold me is from a third party called coast-to-coast dealer services. They don't cover pre-existing conditions so it has nothing to do with this Jordani guy
idamnedit: How is it considered a preexisting condition? The tranny worked when you bought the car and the warranty. Now it does not. Thus it should be covered.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1410974918 | 1410978068 | t3_2goent | t5_2to41 | 10 | EvilKanoa: TIFU by not seeing a bus
This happened yesterday, not today. But I was a little too shaken up to write it then.
Anyways, I was on my way to school in the mourning, same as any old day. I had music playing through one earbud (broke the other side) and a light jacket. I may have been slightly tired since I had gotten up only 30 minutes before.
Now everyday I normally have to cross a pretty busy street that becomes insanely busy at this time. Today was like any other. I was waiting on the side walk, hoping that both lanes would be empty, but that is a rarity. The lane closer to me stops, turns out the light had turned ride about 20 cars down and it was backed up. I thought this would be a perfect time to go. I was watching the other lane to see when it was clear. Finally it looked empty, no better time than the present. I leisurely stroll in front of the stopped lane without a problem.
Apparently, when I was making sure the other lane was clear, I totally missed seeing one of those short buses. As walked past the car that was in front of the stopped lane I saw the bus coming right at me. "Well, shit."
I managed to dart back a little, only got hit by the side and the mirror. It was fucking terrifying. The driver of the bus stopped and decided that she had to call 911 and all that jazz. Turns out I was really lucky. Didn't have to go to the hospital at all. Got a few bruises that still hurt and a cut. But really, when you pick a fight with a bus, I come out better than to be expected.
In the end I was waiting there for about 2 hours. paramedics showed up, asked me if I was okay, I said it hurt but didn't the the hospital, he agreed. Police showed up and had to make sure the driver didn't purposefully run me over. Then do a whole incident report. Honestly, I'm probably going to be a little more careful while crossing. Also, it really must've sucked for the driver. It's not everyday you run over a stupid teenager.
I'll edit in some photos in a bit, but it really is nothing more than bruises and a little cut. I'm quite lucky.
Sorry for the wall of text, I'm on mobile and I am not good at condensing information.
TLDR; went to cross a road, somehow missed seeing a bus. I got hit by the side and mirror. Didn't die.
metalandfire: Now that poor bus driver has a mark on their record for hitting someone.
EvilKanoa: Nope, they got off without any problems. At least that's what the officer there said. If I had said it was their fault they would be in trouble. But since it was my fault for walking in front they weren't in any trouble.
metalandfire: Not with the law, but with that company. If your city works like mine, then no matter what an "Incident Report" had to be filed to his boss.
EvilKanoa: Ah, I'm really not too sure. The driver did say that since it was 100% my fault they would still have a perfect record. But I'm not sure if they actually knew.
metalandfire: lol, hope they dont. That sucks for both of you, at least your not injured. That could have been a lot worse.
EvilKanoa: Yeah, that's all I could think for awhile. It could've turned out a *lot* worse than it did. I'm really lucky overall.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1410972876 | 1410976364 | t3_2goapv | t5_2to41 | 4 | blazinazn007: TIFU By hurting myself with toothpaste
I'm 30 years old. I have good hygiene most of the time. I shower at least once a day and brush my teeth and wash my face at least twice a day. However, on some weekend evenings, after a long night of drinking, I fall asleep without washing my face.
Apparently my face still likes to think that I'm still 14. It produced one of the LARGEST pimples on my face that I have seen in a long time. It's about one inch to the right from where my right nostril ends. It looks like a combination of 2 or 3 zits decided to fuse together and have a friggin zit party on my face. I have no other acne so it stands out even more.
My wife believes in using toothpaste to help heal the zit. I've never heard of it before but what the hell, it couldn't hurt right? I took a dab and put it on before going to bed last night. It burned but not too badly. Maybe it means it's working? Anyways, I go to bed and at some point in the night, I wake up with a searing pain in my right eye.
You guessed right, I got some on my hand and then rubbed my eye in my sleep. Rubbed it some more in my sleepy haze to try to get it to stop. Well that made it worse. Apparently the real reason toothepaste cleans is because there are fine crystals in there that pretty much sand paper away the plaque on your teeth.
Woke up today and my right eye is a little blurry even with my glasses on. I think I scratched my cornea. Fucking toothpaste.
[deleted]: Toothpaste does work,mainly because the baking soda dries out the zit.
You can also use it to resurface DVDs that are scratched up,thanks to those wonderful tooth shredding crystals
blazinazn007: I don't know if I believe you, only because of your username.
[deleted]: Oh it's true.
If I were holding to my username,if have told you how the cool mint toothpaste makes great deodorant in a pinxh
| 4 | 1 | |
1410975263 | 1410980165 | t3_2gofbk | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by frying my balls.
agentlame: Hi deknegt, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU by frying my balls.* has been removed because it is not a fuck-up. The events were either not your fault, not preventable, or not a big deal..
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
[deleted]: Not a big deal? You try to eat balls that are blacker than darkness!
This is a serious social issue that must be addressed!
| 3 | 1 | |
1410976370 | 1411023710 | t3_2gohhz | t5_2to41 | 114 | EatYourPain: TIFU by unknowingly calling my girlfriend stupid
So a few months ago I'm doing art with my girlfriend at school. We're listening and singing along to Nirvana, one of our favorites, specifically, "In Bloom". My girlfriend and I have a little 'did you know' thing going around; we share lots of those little useless facts and trivia all the time. So the song gets to "And he likes to sing along/ And he likes to shoot his gun / But he knows not what it means / Knows not what it means when I say aahh".
I ask my gf, "Do you know what this song's about?"
She responds, "I forgot, what's the song about?"
I tell her, unknowing of what I'm doing, what the song's about: People who sing along to music without knowing what the meaning behind the music is.
Suddenly she shuts down like she does when she's angry at me. One word responses, snappy, ignores me, etc. Calls me an asshole, is furious with me when I ask what I did wrong. (I was very oblivious to what I just did) This went on for a while. Towards the end, I realized the tremendous dick move I just pulled without even realizing it. Of course she didn't believe me when I explained myself. I feel like I was set up by the ghost of Kurt Cobain. Fuck, man.
tl;dr listening to song about people who sing along ignorantly, ask gf if she knows what song's about, says no, tell her it's about people who sing along without knowing what the song's about.
miabelo: It wasn't a tremendous dick move, she's being an oversensitive drama queen.
Downbound92: Drama queen? I don't know, the post says she was doing art while listening to Nirvana at school.
CoffeeZombieV: Art queen?
| 4 | 28.5 | |
1410976410 | 1411045967 | t3_2gohl1 | t5_2to41 | 45 | skahler: TIFU by messaging a first-degree murderer
So this dude that I went to elementary school with kinda sorta killed a guy with a barbell, beating him to a bloody pulp. They found semen in the guy's rectum after all was said and done. No joke.
I'm a fucking dumbass because even though he's convicted and in prison, I figure it's ok to message him because he's messaged one of my friends with a phone he's managed to smuggle in.
Little did I know that in my analysis of his case, I would find several details which didn't match up and think I was the smartest motherfucker. I message him a fuck load of information and get him excited, and now he thinks I'm the smartest motherfucker and that somehow he's going to be able to get free of his sentence because of me.
I have no idea how to tell him that I'm a busy-as-hell med student and can't help him.
I don't have the heart to tell a convicted first degree murderer who knows me from elementary school, who is trying to hit on my current girl person friend thing (accurate description?), that I don't have the time for this and his ass is gonna have to continue serving that good ol' life sentence.
buprenorFiend_: Yeah he smuggled a phone into prison..and a charger. And it won't die because of all the wall sockets in prison cells...
foulmouthangel: WTF do you think they plug their cable TVs into?
SilkTouchm: Til prisons have tvs.
foulmouthangel: For real? In the US they sure do. Here's a list of stuff inmates can buy. [This list is Mississippi] (http://www.mdoc.state.ms.us/PDF%20Files/price%20list%202013_1.pdf), which was just the first one that popped up in google. Most state prisons are probably somewhat similar. You'll see there's a 13" TV for $200 on there.
SilkTouchm: Well im not from the us. Isnt that wrong?
foulmouthangel: Ah ok. I figured that might be the case. :) There's a lot of people who are still kicking because I really don't want to go to prison, TV or not. ;)
| 7 | 6.428571 | |
1410976720 | 1410989175 | t3_2goi58 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking the parents of a disabled child why there was foam on the tray.
Right.
I work at a cafe'. I was on break when the family came in. They got their stuff, which they put on a tray and sat down. They had 3 cappuccino's and a bunch of ice creams.
Now, before I continue, one must understand that sometimes there can be too much froth on a cappuccino, which sometimes people spoon off onto their tray.
I came back up and went around the shop floor to see if anything needed clearing.
Had a little stroll around and noticed a tray on the table next to the family, so I walk up to it and notice an odd looking type of foam on the tray.
So I said to the family, in a joking manor, "Oh wow you guy's are the messiest customers I've come across! What's all this!? Haha!"
The family looked at me, stunned, and said, "It was him". I looked opposite and there was a disabled child, about 16 I'd say, dribbling and creating a foamy substance which was dripping into a cup, which they then poured onto the tray.
His back was facing me, had I of noticed him I wouldn't have said anything. He looked like a completely normal person from behind.
Fuck.
_Azweape_: Why would they dump his 'foam' on to your tray? Gross.
AnonySeeb: Seriously tho!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1410977015 | 1411045115 | t3_2goip5 | t5_2to41 | 229 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting 'reply all'
TIFU [did I do this right? first time]
Thirty minutes ago.
So our retail company has an antiquated computer system, which has just recently been upgraded to 1990's technology. Part of the upgrade included a different version of Windows, which apparently some luddites are having difficulty understanding. With 160 locations, plus corporate, that makes for a lot of communication about the new systems.
Today, I click over from reddit to email just to see if anything is happening, and this email pops up: "If you get a call supposedly from "Windows" or "Microsoft" it is a scam, hang up now!" Of course, most people would know this, but if corporate felt the need to send the message out, it was because someone, somewhere in our company, fell for it.
Normally, when things come across email that I feel the need to make a reddit-esque comment about, I hit 'reply' and edit the names to two guys I work with who have the same laid-back attitude I do. Corporate doesn't really understand the meaning of the word "humor," and has been known to censure employees for responding to company communications with a less-than-serious tone.
So here is where I screw up. I hammer out, "Well, crap. Guess I won't be getting any money from that Nigerian prince, either. (And he seemed like such a nice guy)." and quickly hit 'reply' so I can answer the phone. I finish with the customer on the phone, and then re-read my email to admire my own cleverness. That is when I realize that I did not select the addresses of my two friends. I sent the email out to THE.ENTIRE.COMPANY.
My eyes got a little wide, and then I double-checked to see who the email was sent to. Yup. The whole sales force. My team leader. My district manager. The regional Vice-President. The COO. The CEO. Oh, wow. Everyone.
But here is what I totally did not expect. As I tried to process what this might mean, my inbox started to light up. Slowly at first, and then a deluge-- people all over the company writing back 'lol,' giving thumbs-up, and adding to my comment. Of course, they all were smart and just replied to me instead of the whole company. I did not see that coming.
Now, every time the phone rings I double-check the caller ID to make sure it is not corporate, and I kind of expect to get a call from my Regional Manager shortly. We'll see how it goes.
[UPDATE] The phone just rang, and I checked caller ID. Yup, it was corporate. I let it ring a few times while I took a big breath, and answered in my most cheery voice, "Thank you for calling (store), this is bronzeart, may I help you?" Thankfully, it was only Customer Service following up on a call I placed for a customer earlier in the day. Great. So now I get to sit in suspense all day. Me and my bright ideas....
[UPDATE] Well, it is 3:18 Eastern time. Corporate shuts down at around 7-ish (whenever the CEO is done or the first person is brave enough to leave, kind of like when Sabre took over Dunder-Mifflin, and yes, our CEO is a woman). If I don't get an email or phone call about it within the next four hours, I have probably dodged a bullet.
[UPDATE] (Copied from a reply to a comment, see below) If I had not already made memes of our new COO, who is a total hatchet-man, and given them out to my friends, I would probably not be worrying. Stupid me thought that my friends would chuckle and delete the files. No. They forwarded them. I also discovered that most files now carry metadata (I think that is what it is called), that list the 'author' of the original file-- me. I did a cigar-boss meme, a Prison Mike meme, and a Darth Vader meme. I thought they were a riot, but apparently the hatchet-man was less than amused. That week, I also happened to be the top salesperson in the entire company, so nobody said anything much, but it was frowned upon. Since this company practices "The Arbitrary Application of the Absolute" as I like to call it, you really never know you're screwed until they ask for your key. So we'll see if anyone remembers that little stunt, I suppose.
[UPDATE] 5:43 EST. One hour and fifteen minutes to go, and I will probably get off scot free. I just found out that the District Manager went to the hospital with his son who had an acute asthma attack, so he has other things to think about right now. The DM is a pretty cool guy, and he thought the memes about the COO were pretty funny (especially the Voldemort one), but he has to be all official in front of corporate. And I realize this is probably an Insanity Wolf Pup tifu, but hey, at least it actually was TODAY, right?
[HOME FREE] (maybe) Well, it is 7:34 Eastern, so corporate is probably shut down for the day, and as the old saying goes, "Out of sight, out of mind." On the plus side, I have enjoyed hearing from different people all over the country and seeing their witty responses. I'm calling this one a success, and I'll probably be just fine (until I run my mouth again).
wwickeddogg: They can't fire you if they laughed. (Fedoral Law)
LuckyStarBunny: |Fedoral Law http://imgur.com/L9Fapc0
bronzeart: I see what you did there. Hats off to you.
pvtfish: never remove a fedora you unfaithful heathen
| 5 | 45.8 | |
1410977210 | 1410979424 | t3_2goj3s | t5_2to41 | 7 | maccydee: TIFU by dressing up like a terrorist
I'm going to need to apologise for the length but I think it's all needed. Trust me it will be worth it.
To start this off i just need to mention that I live in the UK, meaning the police don't carry guns unless there is an immediate threat.
So around two years ago my friend Sam and i were invited to a fancy dress party last minute. Anyways the invite clearly stated that if anyone turned up without fancy dress they wouldn't be allowed in. Being skint at the time I had to come up with a cheap costume as soon as possible.
I went to the 99p shop in my local town and started looking for some inspiration. I stumbled across a toy AK-47 and thought Bingo! I'll go as an army guy, nice and cheap and i shouldn't need too much stuff. I already had a fake shotgun at home that my Grandad and I made when i was younger which actually looked pretty good had a black metal barrel and a wooden stock. I picked up a black woolly hat and which I decided I would make into a balaclava. I already had black clothing so I spent 99p in total for my outfit.
We then started looking for something Sam could wear; we only looked for 5 minutes before he remembered he had a Buzz Light-year costume from a previous party he went to.
So we were set. Costumes were sorted and we picked up two crates of beer on the way home.
We went back to my house where we got ready. I cut the eyes holes into the balaclava and put on the rest of my stuff. So there we were, me standing in an all-black outfit from head to toe with a large fake shotgun and my friend in his Buzz Light-year costume. Kind of wish i had a photo tbh.
We went to the party and had a pretty good time. The balaclava was pretty pointless as it was far too hot to even wear the thing. The party ended and we started the long walk home sipping on our remaining beers. Got about half way home when I realised I had left my beloved shotgun at the party. I decided to not go back and just get it another day.
So the walk continued, we got about 5 minutes away from my house when the heavens opened and it started chucking it down. To try and keep myself dry I decided to put my balaclava on, it didn’t make much difference as the wool just absorbed it all. So me and Sam were walking in the pissing rain. Me with my full black outfit and him in his Buzz Light-year outfit. As we approached the gate to my garden I notice a taxi pull up to one of my neighbour’s houses I turned and looked at them. Thinking back i remember the taxi door being open and the people inside just sitting there, but at the time i thought nothing of it and went into my garden.
We still had a couple beers left so we went and sat in my garage for about 45 minutes while we finished them so we didn’t wake my family up. When the beers were gone we decided to make a move inside. We went in and Sam put the kettle on to make a cup of tea. I started looking around the cupboards for some food. Just as i shut one of the cupboard doors i notice some blue flashing lights coming down the top of my road. No joke, I looked to Sam and said "haha, what would you do if that was the police and they came into my garden."
He chuckled. Literally two seconds later I see the gate at the end of the garden swing open. I see several police officers walking up to my house with what look like UMP's with torches on the end. I am completely shocked I look to Sam and say "I'll go get Mum".
I run up the stairs and go to my Mum and Dads room. I sort of whisper shout
"Mum, Mum. The Police are here" she sort of groans.
"Mum, they have guns hurry!"
She sits up confused and starts to follow me down the stairs. As we walk down we can hear extremely large bangs like they are knocking my back door down mixed with a dog barking. As i reach the bottom of the stairs Sam runs past me in a panic saying he is going to stay upstairs to drink his tea, I love how that was his main priority. Me and my Mum walk in to the kitchen and see the police by the back door knocking down the locked gate round the side of my house (I later find out that this was so they could prevent anyone leaving through the back entrance). I try to open the back door to talk to them they slam the door shut telling me to stay there. I didn't listen and decided to go in to my conservatory to see if i can get out that way. BIG mistake as i walk into the conservatory I realise how many police officers are there, I would have a guess at around ten and in my tiny garden there looked even more. I stepped towards the door when nearly all of them point their guns at me and tell me to put my hands up. I shit myself and do as told. The amount of noise was crazy. All of them were shouting at each other and that bloody police dog would not shut up. I then hear my Mum and the police officer talking, he then calls me round.
I walk to the door my Mum's face was a picture. The police officer asks me to step outside as i do he hand cuffs me and walks me to the end of my garden where I have a seating area he sits me down and explains that he needs to ask some questions.
"Where have you been tonight?"
"A fancy dress party"
"What did you go as?"
"A Terrorist"
"When you arrived home did you have anything that could resemble a gun?
"A beer can?" He looks slightly confused
"We have had reports that a man in a balaclava and what looked like a hand gun entered the premises."
I look down at the floor and realise what has happened. "I was wearing a balaclava" He looked extremely smug and asked me if i was with anyone.
I explained "Yes, my friend, Sam"
"Did he come to the party with you?"
"Yes"
He spoke to one of the other officers who went back towards my house. About 5 minutes later I see Sam head down in handcuffs dressed like Buzz Light-year, it really was priceless.
They sat him down the other side of the garden and began to question him to see if our stories matched.
After all of that the police advised me to not go as a terrorist to a fancy dress party again and to throw away my balaclava. I agreed.
They then left leaving a phone number to call to pay for my destroyed gate.
As me and Sam come back inside we are shaking with adrenaline, going to sleep was not an option even though it was around 4:30am.
At this point my Mum and sister are down stairs. I asked where Dad was... He was asleep. I still to this day have no idea how he slept through the whole thing. My neighbours were all awoken as they commented on the amount of police cars down my road. Supposedly there were three normal cars and two riot vans. Crazy I know. So yeah that’s my ginormous fuck up. Lesson learned don’t wear a balaclava to a fancy dress party.
TLDR: House got raided by armed police due to a fancy dress costume
maccydee3: I can confirm that this is completely true, as I am the sister mentioned in the story......
maccydee: Nice username -_-
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1410977746 | 1410987878 | t3_2gok2u | t5_2to41 | 39 | frumious_b: TIFU by getting high on percocet, sending an angry email to my superior officer, and then having a breakdown in front of my battalion commander
This took place two years ago while I was an army officer stationed in eastern Afghanistan. The story’s a little long and heavy on detail, but I think the payoff is pretty good. I’ll try to give salient details without bogging you down with the minutia of military life.
The year I was there I worked closely with a medical officer who was on the brigade staff (the brigade surgeon, for those of you with some military background). She was without question the hardest-working, most competent medical officer I have ever worked with. Unfortunately, she tended to be abrasive and short-tempered, traits she developed mainly as a result of the rest of the brigade staff being unable to comprehend basic principles of medical care and ignoring her recommendations. So most of the members of the brigade staff disliked her intensely in spite of the fact that she single-handedly maintained the medical competency of the brigade and indirectly saved the lives of dozens of soldiers.
Near the end of our brigade’s time there our end-of-tour awards were announced. Every member of the brigade staff was given a bronze star (pretty high military honor) except for her. Not only every member of the brigade staff, but all the individual battalion staff and all the company commanders. She was quite glaringly left out. I’ll forego a rant about how random, unfair, and meaningless military awards tend to be and just state that I and all of the other medical officers in the brigade felt like she’d been royally shafted.
A couple of days after I heard this and while I was still stewing about it I hurt my neck on a training exercise. I found out later I had a huge herniated disc with severe radiculopathy, but at the time I just knew that my neck hurt like mad. I asked one of the aid station doctors for some Percocet, which he provided, and I popped a couple. A couple of hours later I didn’t feel any better so I took a couple more. That still didn’t put a dent in the pain (opiates don’t really help with radicular pain, which I didn’t know at the time) so I took a couple more. By then it was in the middle of the night and I was out of my mind with pain and half stoned on narcotics and I was sitting at my desk in my office because I couldn’t sleep. I started stewing about the injustice of denying someone I thought was a stellar officer the recognition she deserved and I just got angrier and angrier. Then I decided to write an email.
I chose someone on the brigade staff (not the brigade commander, thank heavens) who I thought might have some influence and wrote the angriest, most vitriolic email I have ever written. I accused the whole staff of being incompetent sycophantic, misogynistic warmongers (I have no idea how that last got into the email). I told them if they didn’t start treating their medical officers better they couldn’t expect our continued loyalty (that is, I was threatening mutiny). I finished by stating that he could write me back when they’d corrected their mistake.
I feel like I need to clarify something here. For most of you reading this, some mild drug-induced inebriation doesn’t seem like it should be enough to induce that level of poor judgment. But I don’t drink alcohol, and this was literally the first time in my life I had ever had a pain pill stronger than ibuprofen. I am clearly not one who should be having his inhibitions lightened.
After I sent the email I was feeling pretty good about myself for having raised my voice against injustice in support of another soldier. A couple of minutes later I got an email back from him. Apparently he was up in the middle of the night at work. He very professionally and calmly told me that what I’d written was inappropriate and possibly worthy of UCMJ action (UCMJ is the Uniformed Code of Military Justice; he was basically telling me I could be court-martialed). He told me I didn’t know the full story about the bronze star issue and that I should have a little more trust in my leaders. He ended by telling me that because I seemed to be going to bat for another soldier, that my motivations were probably worthy and I wouldn’t be officially disciplined.
Once I’d sobered up and read the email exchange again I felt sick to my stomach. I still felt like she’d been shafted, but my email was so awful and over-the-top I’d probably ruined any hope she’d ever have for getting respect from the rest of the brigade staff. A couple of days later my battalion commander emailed me and told me he needed to talk to me about my email.
By the time I went in to see him my neck had worsened and I was out of my mind with pain. I had also lost all the strength in my right arm from the herniated disc pressing on one of my cervical nerves and I thought I was going to be paralyzed for the rest of my life (I’m fine now, thanks for asking). I hadn’t slept more than an hour or two in three days and I staggered to his office in a pain/sleep-deprived/drug-fueled/emotional wreck-induced haze.
He and his right-hand-man (actually a woman in this case), his executive officer (XO), sat me down and started to tell me about how military awards work. After a minute or so they asked me something and I broke down sobbing. I was trying to tell them that I really just wanted everyone to know that the medical officers in the brigade really liked and respected the brigade surgeon even though she’s hard to get along with. It came out like, “I just *sob* wanted someone to know *sob* that *sob* she’s a great officer *sob*…”
The battalion commander just sat there staring at me with his mouth hanging open. Part way through my breakdown he looked over at the XO, who was staring at me with a confused expression. She met his eye, shrugged, and rolled her eyes.
When I was finished I sat for a second and then all I could think of to say was, “I’m sorry, I’m on drugs.” Then I started giggling. Nice. Classy way to end a disastrous meeting with my battalion commander.
Our deployment was about over and I went back to the states while the unit I deployed with went back to Germany (I was on load from my home unit). Way to finish out my deployment with a bang.
Tl;dr I wrote an angry email to one of my superior officers while I was high on narcotics and made a complete fool of myself, then when I was confronted about it by my battalion commander I had a breakdown and started sobbing in front of him.
EDIT 1: Yes, there's more to the story, it's just not very interesting. The battalion commander already knew I was injured and was on pain meds because he had authorized my medical transport to Bagram for the next day. So he had a general idea of what I meant, it just came out incredibly awkwardly. Percocet, while not being terribly effective for radicular pain, is a very common medication for neck pain (or any kind of sever pain) and it's given frequently. It was a neurologist who told me that opiates aren't very effective for neuropathic pain. I went to Bagram the next day for an MRI and evaluation by a neurologist, who told me that these things generally tend to get better, which it mostly did. The last couple of weeks of the deployment there was a lot of awkwardness between my and my higher-ups, but no official repercussions.
fuzzywumwum: Thats probably the shittiest, uneventful, anticlimactic stories I've ever read on the internet. I was hoping for so much more. Please learn to handle your drugs, and then use them frequently. Maybe it will make you a more interesting person.
frumious_b: Sorry, maybe it was more interesting in my head. I'll be more brief next time.
easilypersuadedsquid: I liked it
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1410977471 | 1411052082 | t3_2gojkk | t5_2to41 | 51 | hank_moo_d: TIFU by letting my friend inviting his fuck buddy over.
**Before anything, sorry about my english. I'm brazilian.**
I invited 2 friends over (GUY1 and GUY2) to play some guitar and drink some beers. We're talking, and playing, and laughing, when GUY1 receives a text message from his fuck buddy (GIRL). He asks me if he can pick her up to hang with us. I say "sure, no problem", so he left.
When he got back, the 4 of us start watching a football game on TV. Suddenly, GUY1 and GIRL go to my bedroom. Ok, i've fucked girls in his bedroom before. It's only fair i let him do the same.
After a while, i realize my phone was inside my bedroom. I get up (little drunk now), and enter my room. As soon as i go in, GUY1 was lying in my bed getting head from GIRL. I politely say "Don't mind me, just getting my phone", and she gets back to blow him. I leave the room.
After half an hour, they leave the bedroom, and he leaves the house to take her home. When he gets back, he goes back to my bedroom to clean things up.
So, now it's me, GUY1 and GUY2 at the living room, talking and shit. This moment, GUY2 gets up, talking about some shit (i can't remember what), picks up a glass from the table, and fills it with beer. He then proceeds to drink the whole glass in one shot, without even looking at it. GUY1 yells "oh fuck, no!!!". Me and GUY2 asked what was wrong... And then he tells...
While GUY1 was getting blowed by GIRL, he was drinking his beer. He finished the beer before she finished blowing him. When she finished, mouth full of cum, she didn't want to swallow, so she grabs the empty glass and spits everything in there. When GUY1 went back in the bedroom to clean it, he put the cum glass on the table. The same glass GUY2 drank the beer.
**TLDR:** Friendship got stronger by cum beer.
DeaD_bAU5: Hey Stiffler hows the Man-chowder?
snoopdogg85: i thought he said "pale ale."
DeaD_bAU5: In the final cut it was changed to pale ale, but if you watch the DVD commentary on it the saying was originally going to be man – chowder, but the sensors thought that that was too raunchy.
Good catch though.
snoopdogg85: nowadays "man-chowder" seems pretty tame. i seriously love movie trivia like this. thanks for sharing!
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1410980119 | 1411007046 | t3_2goon8 | t5_2to41 | 355 | trex_pushups: TIFU by mishearing a conversation in front of me in the check out line
Sooo last night mildly intoxicated me was in line at the supermarket when I overhear one of the girls in front of me say"Porn is Disgusting!"
"How can you say that?" Replied the other. "I love porn" the debate goes on for another couple of minutes while I buy my beer, they're at the front of the store buying a redbox and the porn lover is cute, so I walk over and say, "I love porn. maybe we could get together and discuss sometime"
As she looks up like I am the most disgusting person in the world I glance in their cart and see.... corn. The whole debate was about corn.
TangyToddler: I bet you were stoked when they were talking about 'porn on the job' or 'sweet porn' or 'pornbed'.
Itorr475: I also enjoy porn on the job, porn anywhere really
scifiguard: I have an "office pop" atleast once a week.
| 4 | 88.75 | |
1410980738 | 1410984780 | t3_2gopvj | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost having sex with my best friend in an alley
Like most posts on this sub-reddit, my story is not from today. It’s from last night. I am posting it today as I am coherent enough to type it.
Before I start, some background information. I have had a friend for about 3 years now who I have always had a thing for. We have never been together, but have always flirted on and off since getting to know each other. It’s never bothered me too much that nothing has happened between us but I was always up for it if anything came along.
Last night, a friend was holding a huge party and me and my friends were invited. Her and her friends were too. Earlier in the day we had said we would meet up there and have a laugh. We joked about turning up drunk and messing around with our mates. Hours later my friends and I rocked up to the party having already commenced the drinking at someone else’s house. After settling in and finding some more un-needed alcohol, I set upon finding my friend and her group of mates.
A 5 minute scout of the party gave me no results. Unhappy with my search I consulted my friend would was DJ’ing and he pointed me in the right direction.
I saw her from across the room. She was dancing with her mates. I stumbled through the crowd of people to speak to her, and before I knew it she had pounced on me, hugging me in delight. I smiled and went along with the unusual action, as this is not common between the two of us. We chatted for a while; her mate whispered to me ‘she’s really fucking drunk bro’ and winked at me.
As this was said I noticed her reaching around me to hold on to my side. Almost too naturally, I put my arm over her shoulder in response. We stood for another 5 minutes, her pulling me closer occasionally. A friend came up to us, and told me that a mate I hadn’t seen in a long time was outside smoking. Drunk and in the party mood, we decided to go and meet him. Arms wrapped around each other, we walked outside and met our friend.
Hanging around outside, we chatted with my friends and her friends. Leaning into me and with no warning, she pulled my head next to hers and whispered into my ear ‘I’m really wet right now’. Astonished, I looked at her and couldn’t help but laugh. She told me not to laugh and that she was serious. I continued to smile, drunk and not really thinking about the effect of these events on our current friendship.
10 more minutes passed and I felt my hand being pulled out of the group. Turning to look, it was her, pulling me down the street. We walked around the corner of the road, some 50 metres away and continued down another 20 metres, before she pulled me into an alleyway between houses.
Pretty much knowing what was going to happen, I awaited my fate. We talked for a minute before she pulled me in and we started making out. She repeated into my ear ‘I’m really wet’ and grabbed my hand, plunging it into the depths of her pants. I can confirm readers, she was not lying. Knowing what my duties were, I got to work. Caught up in the moment, we forgot time and a good 20 minutes passed.
We continued our fun, without realising our friends had decided to make the house party a street party. Hearing this a bit too late, it was not long before the party extended our way, as people passed by our alley on booze runs. The first few didn’t see us, but as 2 of our friends passed, they stopped to see. After the past few people, we had learnt to look somewhat normal in the alley. However, my friends seemed to sneak up on us.
My work continuing, I turned to look at my lifelong best friend as he stared at us. Our eyes connected, we saw each other. I looked at my best friend as I fingered my other best friend. This is a moment I will never be able to expel from my mind. My slightly more sober friend caught on, as I retracted my hand, and pulled my best friend away.
Undeterred by this, we continued. Not long later, another 2 of our party going friends decided to offer us some drink. The same thing occurred. Slowed by the presence of alcohol, I looked into my other friends eyes. They quickly left, and we continued, again.
In the heat of the moment, she unzipped my trousers, and said ‘Let’s have sex’. The alcohol wearing off, and the reality of what was happening setting in, I declined. Unhappy with this, she insisted we continue, so another few minutes passed before we returned to the party.
I immediately lost her. I couldn’t find my friends. Unsure with my actions, I decided to head home.
The next morning I awoke, and it fully dawned on me what had happened. I liked this girl, but didn’t want this to be how things went, if anything was going to happen at all.
Picking up my phone I noticed my case seemed dirty. Brownish faint smudges covered the front and back. A lesson for you all, wash your hands after ‘playing’ with a girl, cus that stuff dries.
TL;DR I ruined a friendship by fingering my friend, whilst staring at my other friend, and then cover my phone in lady juices
ladyjuicesaregross: vag juice turns brown man, I know poo when I see it
astrocats: Yep, sounds like she was catching the last wave of the crimson tide dude.
ladyjuicesaregross: shit...
astrocats: DM;HS?
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1410981554 | 1410989240 | t3_2gorh8 | t5_2to41 | 59 | Neversafeforlife: TIFU by wiping my ass.
This just happened. I work construction, and after eating my lunch on the steps of the house, nature calls. So I go into the porto-potty to do my business, and grab a huge handful of the crappy one ply toilet paper. I wipe my asshole clean and go to toss out the TP when I see something moving on the shit tickets. Fucking greasy spider! Fuck. And not just one spider, a fucking shit ton of the little bastards. I proceed to lose my shit, ran as fast as I could with my pants down and jumped into the man made lake behind the house I'm working in. I fucking hate spiders.
Tl;dr wiped my ass with spiders. Shitty time had by all involved.
jonb622: They are currently laying eggs in your colon.
imabot777: lmfao this guy is probaly so worried now
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1410981599 | 1410983949 | t3_2gorkm | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting banned from posting on TIFU
This didn't happen today like most posts on here, but yesterday. So I'm browsing TIFU on my usual account (not this one) & I come across a story about a guy creeping out a breastfeeding mother by staring at the baby. Trying to be funny, I quoted a Daniel Tosh bit about babies (the one with the Brad Pitt & David Beckham kid), & now I'm banned from posting on here from that account. I'm 15 and now I feel like a child molester.
hxcrichard: Probably going to get banned again for bypassing a ban. Gg friend
R15K: But with his mastery of computer-ing he deleted the name that submitted this post from public view. Surely the mods could NEVER be able to view that sort of information.
Potato_Master_Race: I'm using Reddit Sync to view this on my phone. I can see his name before clicking into the post.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410981830 | 1410992884 | t3_2gos2r | t5_2to41 | 13 | Wopasaurus: TIFU by handling business before work
I used to work retail, and my usual shift was 1pm-9ish.... My at the time gf and I lived together, and she had a 9-5pm job.
One day before work I decided to crank one out, cause why not. I had the TV on as background noise (lived in an apt) and had my laptop goin on the coffee table. I am having fun, stoked about my late morning.
All of the sudden I hear the door start to unlock... So I go into panic-control-damage-mode... I only had time to pretty much do one thing, so in my infinite brain's wisdom, I decided to close my laptop... Boom.
So she walks in on... Me with my dick in my hand... Beating off to Walker: Texas Ranger on the TV.
Bonus - it was the episode with Rowdy Roddy Piper...
Needless to say I've never had anyone laugh quite that hard at me. I was too embarrassed to have it even play out like a B movie porn. It was probably the only time I've truly turned red in shame.
The theme from that show is still what plays when I call some of my friends.
TL;DR - the eyes of the ranger were upon me.
pentag0: Nice one.. So you don't really lock your shit up when you're going to town, aren't you? Who does that? Sorry, but you totally deserved it mate though you get some manliness points for not being gay so it's not all disaster, right?
Wopasaurus: We lived together. She unlocked the door when she came home. :(
pentag0: Interesting. Would you laugh at her if you saw her masturbate?
Wopasaurus: I probably would. Haha.
It was damn funny. Especially if the context was similar
pentag0: I wouldn't. I would probably jump in to help her..
Wopasaurus: Well yeah in theory....
But it would be the equivalent of me walking in on her DJ'ing to Over The Top.... I'd cry laughing
| 7 | 1.857143 |
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