start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1410983446 | 1410985345 | t3_2gov6s | t5_2to41 | 4 | ImRightBehindYou8: TIFU By almost getting arrested.
I'm at the station and swipe the card they give students so they card so they can ride the bus/el for free. I swipe mine and got through, then my friend, but my other friends wasn't working, so I walk back through the thing to help him, and it won't let me go again, so I crawl under, and there are these undercover cops who see me crawl, they call me over, and say "You crawled under," so I say "Because my transpass wasn't working," so they take it, look at it, then say "Okay," so I apologize and they forgive me, then I walk away.
at0mheart: Go commit a real crime
ImRightBehindYou8: I have. I've brought a knife to school and someone ratted on me.
at0mheart: don't kill your schoolmates..enough of that already
ImRightBehindYou8: Wasn't planing on hurting anyone, it's a long story.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1410983308 | 1411070521 | t3_2gouwn | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by pretty much degrading my gf
So yesterday me and my gf were talking about what we are going to do for christmas. I mentioned that we should have sex for the first time! Seemed like a good idea until she asked why, and I didn't have a solid answer. I kept saying "because" and "well why not babe!". Yeah that wasn't a good idea. She got pissed. Btw she's a virgin and I'm not. She wanted me to say I wanted to because I loved her or because it will bring us to the next step in our relationship.
So now she's barely talking to me and I dug a hole I can't get out of and I get to sit here and bask in my own stupidity until she decides to talk to me.
I don't think words can fix this.
itsagiven21: If you don't love her then you shouldn't be asking her to have sex with you.
usernameiscrafty: I do love her! We've been together for 6 months now.
itsagiven21: I'm glad to hear that. But why wouldn't you tell her that you want to make love to her because you love her?
usernameiscrafty: Because I'm dumb and didn't think before I spoke hahaha
itsagiven21: I hope she forgives you and starts talking to you soon.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1410985645 | 1410997573 | t3_2gozhv | t5_2to41 | 6 | ShartsofEndeerment: TIFU being too inebriated for a very serious conversation.
Like most of the posts I'm going to put on here, this is from several years back. My best friend was home from the Army(We'll call him Freddy), and was hanging out at a house party that my housemates and I were throwing. There were all sorts of party favors going around, and my buddy decides he wants to drop LSD with me for the first time. As that was one of the things circulating the party, it wasn't too hard to procure.
About thirty minutes after three of us ate nearly a quarter sheet(we'll call the other Jake), the army guy was complaining that he wasn't feeling anything and was thinking we got ripped off. I assured him that this wasn't the case, and went back to partying. I'm inside with the other guy that dropped with us(Jake), while he's(Fred the army guy) outside talking to his ex-girlfriend. Apparently there was a noise complaint because the cops show up. Being the newly brainwashed guy he was, Freddy just opens the door for them and they stroll right in. Jake looks at me and just flings the blunt he had to his lips past the cops faces behind the stove. The police ask us to empty the house, and gave us a warning to "be mouse quiet or disperse" because they knew they didn't want to do the paperwork for all the shenanigans we were involved in.
Freddy remembered that his parents wanted to talk to him that night after we were done with the party. Since Jake and I were always invited we went too. It was about a fifteen minute walk from where I lived to his parents house, Freddy was bitching the entire time about not feeling anything. Jake and I were already nearing another plane of existence. A half of a block away from his parents house, Freddy stops mid stride, looks up at the sky, and starts cackling at absolutely nothing. He's starting to feel it. Awesome.
Going in the door, of course we had the whole keep it together talk. Mom and Dad can't know what's going on. Yeah, good luck with that. His parents are lovely people. They were still waiting up for him, and since we were all so close with them, Jake and I might as well hear this too. We should have aborted. Just walked away, said we were too drunk. Something. From the beginning of the conversation about his father's health, one of us would catch the other smiling goofy like, and start laughing. Which in turn caused the one smiling and the other one to laugh hysterically as well. We couldn't help it. This went on for about a half an hour until they got to the point. Then it was said point blank. Bombshell. Freddy's father has less than six months to live. All three of us are splitting our sides, screaming with laughter. We just couldn't stop. One of us would get the beginning of a sentence out, probably something stupid, it didn't matter. We were laughing in his parents faces after being told that Fred's dad is dying.
Jake ratted me out to them, I took the fall. They forgave.
The old man lasted eight years after that.
Except for him, we still laugh about that to this day. Even Fred's mom.
Edit 1: for clarity
Palex95: I had to break up with a woman in a similar circumstance. It makes a great story, but it was hilarious and terrifying at the same time and it stuck with me for a long, long, long time.
ShartsofEndeerment: Link?
Palex95: Link?
ShartsofEndeerment: Thought you may have posted your story.
Palex95: No, I have not....but yours was similar. Except that the both of us probably could have gone our entire lives without that experience, well at least her anyway.
| 6 | 1 | |
1410986261 | 1410988546 | t3_2gp0pv | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing the tough guy in Football practice (no, not Handegg)
So first of all, this is my first post on Reddit.
Some background knowledge, I'm a 20 year old student who is currently having a working experience in a neighbor town i've just moved to. I haven't checked my neighborhood too thoroughly in the 2 months I've lived here so I never noticed that I had a football ground about half a kilometer from me (roughly 2165 Bananas). A week ago I noticed the football ground, and today I was adventurous enough to actually go to practice.
I'm a lazy ass when it comes to cardio so I haven't really been in shape for a year (that's the time I quit my old football team). For some reason I thought it was a good idea to play today and this is how it went: I play the tough motherfucker as I forgot my shinpands at home. When asked I just said I wasn't going to women's practice and earned a few smiles. I introduce myself with my last name and proceed to show off the few "good" tricks I knew. I think I left a decent impression and said Hi to everyone. Training begins, I meet our coach, your typical mid 50's coach who just had to pissed with his team (just my luck) and decides that today it was all going to change. No messing about, just lot's of running. I was fucked. We started running, and I decided to stay right next to their team captain who was leading the run. You know, to show what a great stamina I have. I barely survived the run and then this fckn coach decides "that the team was talking too much". From one second to the next we were punished by doing sprints. Again, I decide to play the tough guy and start in the front row (which is frowned upon as you are the first to realize the instructions your coach is giving you).
First round goes okay, about 150 m of sprinting. I come in second, everything okay, just had to catch my breath.
Next round of sprinting however was about 300 m and everyone was pissed off. I think "this is your chance" and just start sprinting like a mad man. My legs felt as they were about to collapse when I made it to the finish line and my coach and teammates were quite impressed that I came in first. For about 1 minute. My coach was just about to tap me on the shoulder to congratulate me when I just started vomiting on the ground. Right there. After 20 minutes of training. I went from zero to hero to zero in that minute. My team mates just stood there... I couldn't get up, my legs felt like butter. I was close to being unconscious because I instantly stopped running and dropped to the ground.
After 10 minutes of recovering I had to take the walk of shame and aborted mission "Dude, let's just randomly go to football practice and get wrecked by your pissed off coach" and left.
My coach just laughed at me and said come back on Friday, there was more to come...
At least I did 20 minutes of excersising, impressed my coach and teammates for about 1 minute and ... well, my Pizza is nearly ready (so deserved after all that sport). Yay.
TL;DR random unfit guy plays the fit guy in football practice, vomits within the first 20 minutes and leaves right after.
Edit: some formatting done
Kawabangaaa: I'm afraid but this doesn't belong here. This is not a fuck up. Go get some friends or a therapist that you can talk to when it's "that time of the month" again. Dude man the fuck up.
I'm sick of fags like you, the only fuck up i can see is how this subreddit gets less and less funny.
GoldenPiggey: No need to be a dick.
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1410990079 | 1413041045 | t3_2gp892 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Hankvonstankname: TIFU by burping on the phone
So last night I was out with the boys and the girls after work, living with y parents, and I'm in university. Now don't judge but I have a curfew, and forgot to tell the home-dwellers that I was out, so I call around 1 to tell them I'll be home at 2, here's how the call with my mom goes.
"Hey I'll be home by 2, sound good?"
"Alright, take out the garbage when you come in"
"Sounds go-BUUUUURRRRRPPPPPP"
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
"Did you just burp?"
"Maybe. I CANT HOLD THAT IN"
"Never do that, it's extremely rude"
Then she hangs up, no bye or anything.
I laugh it off, get home by 2, then this morning I'm eating before I go to class. She gets up, comes to tell me that living in this house is a privilege, and that she won't be letting anyone disrespectful live under her roof, and that I had until the end if the month to move out.
Tl;dr I burped on the phone with my mom and now have 5 courses, 2 jobs, and 2 weeks to find a house. Did I mention I'm a minor? Yeah. It's an awesome situation.
Fahrowshus: sounds alot like first world problems to me...
Hankvonstankname: Getting kicked out and being unable to support myself. Yeah I'm a real privileged asshole.
Fahrowshus: I didn't say it didn't suck. but getting an education, and having two jobs when there's plenty of people out there unable to find jobs (or too lazy, but I'm not talking about those)
Hankvonstankname: I've had to work for all of that, no entitlement here, but hey thanks for being a dick
Fahrowshus: so you're angry at me, for pointing out that there are worse things in life then growing up? I'm sorry for bringing the real world to you at such a young age
Hankvonstankname: Well no shit there's worse things, your condescending attitude is one of them, but jus because Ebola exists doesn't mean getting illegally dumped on my ass unable to currently support myself is just fuckin awesome.
Seriously what's the point of going through TIFU saying "oh hey it could be worse" like that's your contribution? Good shit.
Fahrowshus: > Condiscending - having or showing a feeling of patronizing superiority
I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but just because I tell you to man up, doesn't mean I am better than you.
and what's the point of minimizing your actions, and trying to get some random group of strangers to have pity for you on the internet?
Hankvonstankname: What is your fucking problem? Seriously are you an autistic robot? Get it through your fucking head, what do you think TIFU is for? I'm not asking for pity, I'm telling a story, then weirdos like you show up.
Not to mention I doubt you know the first fucking thing about manning up but that's another story
Fahrowshus: I don't have a problem. Yes, you caught me. I'm an autistic robot.
I think TIFU is for Today I Fucked Up, not My Life Is A Fuck Up. they're two different things.
although you didn't mean to mention it, you did, and I'm glad you doubt random strangers on the internet, that's a good habit to get into. I'm actually glad you've finally understood what my original thoughts were.
Hankvonstankname: There's seriously something wrong with you.
| 11 | 0.272727 | |
1410989851 | 1411003278 | t3_2gp7rw | t5_2to41 | 156 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to my roommate's dog
Happened five minutes ago. I almost always get home from work significantly earlier than my roommate. He's got a pretty chill dog that's always happy to see me and I usually talk to him as I take my shoes off, just random stuff like "Met any nice bitches lately?" or "sup dog?" just inane shit that people say when they talk to animals.
Well I haven't fulfilled my manly duties to myself for a while now, and I was distractingly horny all day at work, so I was going to take care of business as soon as I got home. So when I was taking my shoes off I told the dog, "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to jerk the shit out of my fat cock. Long and slow, just the way I like it." And I added some groans and grunting to emphasize the effect. 30 seconds later I walk around the corner to go through the kitchen to get to the stairs and there's my goddamned roommate, face red as hell, awkwardly holding a slice of bread with peanut butter all over it. Turns out he came home early today. No words were said and I think we'll be avoiding each other for a while.
thebrandster1985: That is definitely not the inane stuff you say to a dog...
Malamutewhisperer: 'Sup dog...."I'm gonna jerk it nice and slow...."
How'd you get from A alllllll the way to B without some lead-up? No foreplay? Nothing?
thebrandster1985: He didn't even pet the dog first!
| 4 | 39 | |
1410991137 | 1411142581 | t3_2gpa7d | t5_2to41 | 337 | LargeMidget: TIFU by getting impaled on a wrought iron fence.
Hey you know that episode of the Walking Dead where the young fellow gets his leg impaled on a fence spike? Well that basically happened to me except I wasn't being chased by zombies, I was just drunk.
Flashback to Labor Day (I know it's "today" I fucked up but come on honestly who cares it's still a funny story). I'm drunk as all hell, visiting some friends in South Tampa where I used to live. It's about 5am and I convince one of my friends to come and watch the sunrise on the bay, because it's a fucking beautiful sight and whatnot.
Well the gate was locked but I wasn't about to let that stop me, so I tried to climb the wrought-iron-spiked fence to get to the pathway out to the bay on the other side. Drunken idiot that I was, I slipped and fell on a spike which went nearly all the way through my leg. I was impaled and stuck on the fence about 6 feet off the ground. My friend who came with me put his hands under my butt and helped lift me off the spike, immediately my leg starts gushing all over the deck. I'll never forget the sound of my blood spewing out and hitting the ground like that, it sounded like somebody was hosing off the patio. My drunk ass tried to reason that I was fine and pleaded with my friend not to call 911, thank god he knew better or I probably would have died from blood loss. Paramedics came and scooped me up, took me to Tampa General.
The funny part is when I get to the hospital and the doctor goes to put my I.V. in... He says "Ok, you're gonna feel a little prick." To which another doctor replies "he came in because he got impaled on a spike, I don't think he's worried about a needle."
TL;DR: I tried to climb a spiky fence and done got my leg impaled.
Roman_Statuesque: Your friend really should have called 911 before pushing you off the fence. You're pretty lucky you didn't bleed out. Did it puncture an artery?
yellowtag: Maybe his friend took a picture before then, I really hope so
Roman_Statuesque: OP pls.
Deathiaz: pls OP
DaHoova: OPls
| 6 | 56.166667 | |
1410991774 | 1410993222 | t3_2gpbem | t5_2to41 | 7 | DarkVoidize: TIFU by smashing my friend in the face with a badminton racket
Today, we had a P.E lesson, and in that very lesson, it was required that we play badminton. Not everyone was pleased; though I was ok with it because I'm actually alright at it despite being awful at most other things.
We all split up into fours and played doubles. Fun was had, crippling aces slam dunked with vicious taunts and it was merry fun for most involved. One of my mates - the one on my doubles thing - told me he was going for a piss. The three of us just decided to do rallies until he returned.
It was alright fun, and progressively, our serves became more wild and unruly. Can you see the pattern falling into place?
It was my serve, so I decided to do a fucking colossal one. The big bastard serve. My time to shine, or something.
If you don't know how serving in badminton works, it's pretty simple; you just flick the shuttlecock into the air and tap it with enough power to go over the net. Simple, right?
Well, my friends and I are teenagers, so that could explain a lot. Anyways, we always served with max super ultra power in order to show off our genital size or somethings - I never quite figured out why - and so I started up my serve and went to whack it as hard as I possibly could. Except I missed. *Fuck,* I think, *unlucky.*
Unfortunately, I didn't stop serving. In fact, my racquet carried through and slammed into my mate coming back from the toilet. Right into the fucking face. Wham. So shit, I pull back and shout an apology.
He shrugged and said it was an honest mistake, before calling me a dozy cunt with no sense of coordination. I stopped in my tracks, mainly because there was a pretty big cut on his forehead and the traditional criss cross red marks accompanying it.
"Fucking hell," I say, "you've got a cut."
"What? Oh, for fuck's sake," followed by more expletives.
The cut was bleeding a bit so he went off to the toilet to get some tissue.
After that, we finished the lesson and he complained of being light-headed, to which I apologised again for about the tenth time. Everyone was having a hearty laugh, but it's evening now and I still feel rather bad. Ugh, this isn't probably as bad as shitting in an exam or a restaurant or anywhere other than a toilet, but hey, it's something, and it happened today at least.
TL;DR Smashed my mate in the face with a metal racquet doing a 360 noscope badminton serve
soylent_me: Does he look pixelated now?
DarkVoidize: I hope so.
soylent_me: Sounds like you have a checkered past.
DarkVoidize: It was no picnic.
soylent_me: Yeah you were really out to lunch.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1410995029 | 1410995634 | t3_2gpfdp | t5_2to41 | 3 | lucipherous: I don't. It's a new phone and boy does this sucker get hot!
DisablingRiver: What kind of phone is it?
lucipherous: HTC One
| 3 | 1 | |
1410994764 | 1410999723 | t3_2gpgo0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | JaredTheComputerGeek: TIFU by using Windex on my Son's Custom Built Gaming Computer.
Guys, I'm on my son's account right now, because I don't have a Reddit account. So, I'm trying to give everything a good polish and cleaning, and I decide to wet a paper towel with Windex for his glass L shape desk. I'm wiping, and I notice his computer has some fingerprints on it, and I Windex it. With my sheer luck, some of it gets into the fan holes on top of his Corsair Obsidian case. Now he's blabbing on about how I shorted his mother circut thing (I don't understand computers very well.)
I really need help.
JaredTheComputerGeek: I am on his ACCOUNT. Not computer. I am on my laptop.
MountainousGoat: Why did he leave his reddit account on your laptop? Why is he even using your laptop?
JaredTheComputerGeek: I didn't. (It's me, Jared, OP's son.) She just happens to know my Reddit password because I use one of my older ones from the days of when Yahoo!™ still wasn't dead.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1410990334 | 1411003647 | t3_2gp8pf | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by spanking it 'quietly' in my room...
This TIFU actually occurred some years ago, but I had the thought that my first (I could post many) TIFU post involve manually agitating my penis until it puked. I remember checking the mail one day and finding a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog. This was a fateful day, for I had a strange, yet wonderfully tingly sensation begin *down there*. I didn't know what to do, so I just started kind of tugging on it, smacking it, twisting it. Fuck it, it all felt good. Then I jizzed for the first time...and squirted myself right in the face (I was lying down in my bed). What the fuck! Oh well, it felt really good, so I kept at it and improved my technique. I did have some shame at this behavior, so I kept it very quiet, or so I thought, because one day (weeks later), my mom burst in while I was in the middle of some intense self-love and said, "Quit fucking touching yourself, I can't fucking stand hearing it any more!".
Now, decades later, this shit comes up at every family gathering. I can't get away from it because my mother won't let it rest (Thanks Mom!). Also, my wife has decided that she likes to fuck with me about it as well. Oh well, it still feels great, so I ain't gonna stop.
GaryColemansRevenge: Do you have hearing problems? How is one person's "very quiet" another person's "I can't fucking stand hearing it any more!"?
[deleted]: Yeah, it came out that she could hear the "squishy noises and heavy breathing" through the vents.
GaryColemansRevenge: On the plus side, "Squishy Noises and Heavy Breathing" would be a great album title.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1410996220 | 1411010645 | t3_2gpj8v | t5_2to41 | 29 | jimmiewhiper: TIFU By stepping on a beetle...
A couple of weeks ago, I accidentally squashed a beetle right outside my room. I killed it in cold blood, stomping on it with my bare foot. I apologized, cleaned it up, and moved on with my life. At least, I attempted to.
A few days later, the same type of beetle showed up again in my room. I decided it was probably a relative looking for the one I had killed. I apologized, explained that it was an accident, and asked if it could move on its way. I thought I had made the right choices and the past was behind me.
Over the next three weeks, this beetle has shown up multiple times in different areas of my room. Every time I am starting to relax and think I won’t see it again, I bend down to pick something up off the floor and THERE IT IS!!! I don’t know how many times I’ve apologized, or very gently moved it out of my room, but it keeps coming back!
And at this point I am incredibly paranoid anytime I am downstairs, always turning on lights and watching the floors as I walk, to try and ensure I don’t complete a double homicide. I can’t even get up to go to the bathroom at night without getting a flashlight. I lie awake in bed for hours, afraid this will be the night the beetle climbs up and into my face.
I’ve been suffering in silence so far, because I felt it was only fair and just since I did, in fact, kill the other beetle. But now I suspect it is not a different beetle, but is actually the ghost of the first beetle! And I am researching beetle exorcism to try and find a way to get rid of the spirit.
But last night it went too far: a completely different kind of beetle showed up and started tormenting me as I was reading before bed! This one could fly, and it would not leave the light alone. I was so afraid of retribution that I fell asleep with my sheet over my face.
And now, friends, I don’t know what to do. This beetle war is taking a toll on my health. I am afraid to move around my own house, and I feel like I am always on edge. I am barely sleeping, I am too nervous to eat, and my thoughts won’t stop revolving around the beetle I killed, its relative/ghost, and now this new beetle added to the mix.
Do you have any advice on how to deal with a beetle haunting? I am at my wits end!
MarrowTheWolf: Murder.
Murder them all.
zeo50900: Fire is my personal choice of weapon.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1410996370 | 1411033869 | t3_2gpjic | t5_2to41 | 120 | [deleted]: TIFU Exposing my raging erection to our foreign maid while holding scissors
So the story begins with any other day. I wake up eat food and hide in my bedroom.
But today my girlfriend was coming over, we do a kind of thing where I pick her up after school every two days and see her. I have just left college and she is in her final year.
So I wait until the afternoon to see her and at some point I need a piss, so I make the long trek downstairs to the bathroom and pee. I thought I was alone at this point as my au pair, like an exchange student who lives in our house and does the housework for money, is at college or at her day job so I leave the door open.
The au pair, I will call her Sophie, is a Spanish 26 or something year old who doesn’t speak the best English and finds it very hard to understand things when I try and explain them to her.
Back to the story; I leave the door open and let out my warm yellow jet when I look down and see how unbelievably hairy my pubes are. I mean I hadn’t trimmed these for weeks; it was like the forbidden forest down there. I could see centaurs prancing beneath the thick undergrowth and the shell of Voldemort sucking shiny white goo from unicorns.
So I grab my trusty pair of pubic scissors, I use an old pair we don’t keep anymore and hide it pretending it has been lost. I call it the Pubescizor.
Now I don’t know how you guys trim your pubes but I do it with a full on erection as it just helps keep my penis out the way you know and I can trim around it. So I use harden and my body is fully ready.
Just before I begin the gardening I remember the door is still open, now I am alone except for my family’s two dogs who wander around the house trying to sniff and lick people so I think it’s not a good idea to have the door open while I have my pants around my feet as I am standing over the toilet cutting away with the pubescizor. So I head over to shut the bathroom door.
Now little did I know that while I was upstairs hiding the au pair must have come back from her job/college and had set up her laptop in our study and was happily doing whatever a 26 year old Spanish woman would be doing.
One more thing that is crucial to this story is the study’s door is completely opposite to the bathroom door and when sitting on the couch with both doors open you can see into the bathroom, but can only see the sink.
So I walk over to the completely open door and put out my hand to shut it facing outside the door with **my pants down, a pair of scissors in one hand and my raging erection poking through the forest** when I look straight ahead and see Sophie sitting there on the couch staring at me with the most shocked expression I have ever seen in my entire life.
I kind of just stand there with
*fuck fuck fuck*
Going through my head in shock before I finally pull myself together and slam the door shut.
------------------------------------------------
I have no idea what to say to her now, it is just super awkward and she doesn’t speak or make eye contact with me anymore. I live in the same house as her and see her everyday so I don’t know what to do...
To make matters worse she speaks poor English so I don’t understand how I will explain this fuck fest to her with her understanding anything.
notlowthoughts: Just get her a present…your dick in a box.
zman0900: That sounds complicated. Surely there are some simple steps to create this present?
NoctusNightblade: Step one: cut a hole in the box...
alexhfl: Step Two: Put your dick in the box.
TheNinjrKillr: Step Three: Make her open the box.
Edit: Words.
IIKaDicEU: Step Four: Try to pull it off without her freaking out
| 7 | 17.142857 | |
1410998661 | 1411050703 | t3_2gpnen | t5_2to41 | 187 | smashingmellons: TIFU by covering my vagina in cocaine
Like many TIFUs this didn't happen today. This happened when I was back in college in the US. Me and some buddies decide to go camping at some beach so we take my friends pick up, load our gear along with a couch we "borrowed" from one of the dorms.
We get to the parking lot of the beach at around 11pm and there were two other people there who were planning a camping beach party so we happily joined them. Everything was going great. We had set up the tent and were doing cocopuffs (weed and cocaine) inside the tent. These were crazier times, I don't do these things anymore. Anyway, we make ourselves some drinks in the tent and everything is going spiffingly until I see shining lights outside our tent. Like a dope, I burst out shouting "WHERE'S THE PARTY?!" To my unpleasant surprise, the light shining outside was actually a cop with a flashlight asking us "have you kids been smoking marijuana?" Obviously, we lied and she believed us.
Apparently, we weren't allowed to camp on that beach so she asked us kindly to pack up all our shit and leave. This is when I realised with my half baked, half wired, drunk mind - oh shit I'm on a student visa and if I get caught with anything I'll probably get deported. So as I'm clearing out the inside of the tent, I stuff the bag of coke in my panties.
We lug all our shit on the pickup truck and leave. 30 minutes later, I'm still drinking and smoking towards our next destination when suddenly I say to myself, "hmm.. my pussy is numb."
I had forgotten to seal the bag before stuffing it in my panties. The cocaine is all gone and all I had to show for it was a numb vagina.
**tl;dr had a bag of coke. cops came. freaked out. stuffed coke in panties, forgot to seal the bag. Numb puss.**
EDIT: bonus TIFU. After emptying the tent we decide to bring the couch up first before packing the tent up. It was a very windy night and our tent flew away, above a cliff and almost hit one of the cops.
rootup: I'll go ahead and ask....
Did someone eventually snort it off of there?
smashingmellons: Haha naw I was too embarrassed to tell any of my friends at the time. The first time I actually told this to anyone was only earlier this year and this happened about 5 years ago.
oldschooI: But did you snort it off yourself?
TaKKuN1123: pretty sure OP isn't THAT Flexible. but if she is props
| 5 | 37.4 | |
1410997733 | 1411009872 | t3_2gpltj | t5_2to41 | 16 | HerrPrasident: TIFU: By looking up the worst subreddits!
UPDATE: Went to Wal-Mart with roommate, couldn't look at the My Little Pony Dolls the same!
So it all started with my roommate seeing a link for /r/cutefemalecorpses. He didn't want to but I had to show him (it couldn't stay blue), this took us down a very long and terrible path. After that he mentioned /r/sexyabortions and that he hadn't seen it (notice the past tense). From there we Googled the worst subreddits, and lets just say we've seen some shit (no pun intended), our journey took us through /r/clopclop, /r/aspergers, /r/picsofdeadkids, /r/ButtSharpies, many unsolicited Porn links, /r/BeatingCripples, /r/TheRedPill, /r/bestiality, /r/tardtales, /r/StruggleFucking, /r/DragonPenis, and we can't forget /r/spacedicks and /r/incest. So lets just say we are a bit scarred, but honestly I'm concerned about our well-being. My roommate and I are now waiting on an update to see whether or not a son scores with his mom tonight. So, the internet has made us root for a son trying to make his mother his new girlfriend. Roommate and I both feel sick to our stomachs.
TL;DR: Saw a link to /r/cutefemalecorpses now we're rooting for a guy to bang his mom tonight.
dorothy_zbornak_esq: oh god.
someone tell me what those are so i don't have to look.
HerrPrasident: > someone tell me what those are so i don't have to
Ask and you shall receive...
dorothy_zbornak_esq: so i looked at /r/incest; am horrified and never want to see my family again for some reason. then i looked at dragon penis and was like whatever anime porn, whatever who cares. then i tried /r/spacedicks because I thought it would be a funnier version of dragon penises AND CANNOT FUCKING UNSEE.
stabinthedark_: is /r/ incest pics or just the stories?
The__Roommate: We read about 5-10 links from /r/incest and there were no pictures, but it is 100% serious. A lot of people are asking for advice about how to go about their situation.
stabinthedark_: Man this is a weird world. Did that guy nail his mom or what?
The__Roommate: We are waiting for an update (impatiently), but another person in another thread on this post noticed that the last update was from two days ago.
stabinthedark_: Well I can't take the suspense send that guy a PM.
The__Roommate: PM sent.
stabinthedark_: The world needs to know.
| 11 | 1.454545 | |
1410993474 | 1411048020 | t3_2gpef5 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Noob_Nut: TIFU by insulting an autistic lads spelling
This is my first post on reddit and has just happened about 15 minutes ago...
Anyway this guy always posts creepy stuff on my friends Facebook wall... You know the type, wall posts saying shes beautiful and he loves her and inboxes her saying he is going to take her for a meal and wants to marry her etc no matter how many times she politely declines. Like it's getting really weird of late.
And she posted a status and as usual he commented
*Your beautiful*
So naturally, I commented saying
* *You're. Jeez if you're going to compliment the girl at least spell it right*
I then got a text off a friend telling me the lad is severely autistic.
TL;DR, publically insulted creepy guys spelling, turns out he's autistic, I look like I get my kicks from bullying disabled children on Facebook.
Felicity_Badporn: you done mess up.
Noob_Nut: Tell me about it :(
| 3 | 2 | |
1410999354 | 1411011500 | t3_2gpoln | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently sending my mom a picture.
I was browsing thru some of my pictures and clicked on a picture of weed. I hit options and it had a button that said "Send to mom". I had my mom saved as Motherboard so i assumed it did something else. I clicked it and sent a picture of weed straight to my mom. FUCK. She smokes and she knows i smokes but she despises the fact that i smoke.
As i realized i sent it to her i sprung up and busted Into her room. Little did i know she was changing and i walked in on her changing. Ew. FUCK. I managed to get her phone and delete it but i seriously fucked up this time.
MSLB: Is she hot?
Ruschnav: Pics plz xoxo
| 3 | 2 | |
1410998367 | 1411001142 | t3_2gpmx3 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by Wearing a Shirt My Wife Packed and Washed.
My first mistake was letting my wife do my laundry. This means that this problem started on Sunday and snowballed until today. I had packed my bag for a business trip but I had a shortage of undershirts and needed one more. Normally I would wash them myself but I was preoccupied spending my last hours at home with my son so my wife offered to wash them. Sounds great, right? She rolled up my "fresh" undershirt in a pair of socks with my boxers as is my custom. Totally cool, right?
This morning I unpacked the aforementioned roll. My "fresh" undershirt was mildly fragrant but not more fragrant than my shirt from the day prior. I decide to wear this "fresh" if mildly unpleasant shirt and compensate by overdoing the aftershave. I drive to meet my potential client (I'm more or less a factory rep for a tool company) without giving it a second thought. I rented a Mustang and was enjoying both the car and the pleasant North Carolina weather (it is so hot at home it is character building).
I get to the site, greet everybody, and unpack a pallet of tools. I'm starting to get the first indication something is wrong now because the fragrant undershirt is teasing my nostrils. I can't quite place it but it is going from Mild to Medium (is that how that works).
I'm in past the point of no return now. I commit to the demo and dive into the relatively physical demonstration. I'm sweating and the wick of my body heat is pulling the stench of this undershirt right up I to my nose. It is powerful enough that I'm beginning to consider unhaving breakfast.
That is when I recognize the smell. You see, a clothes dryer is basically an air pump. It carries a large volume of heated air through your clothes. This air starts in your laundry room and ends up getting blown out the dryer vent outside. This is also how my shirt became a problem for me today.
It is worth nothing that my wife has chronic sinusitis. It impaired her sense of smell to a great extent. She is also a cat owner (I'll never claim those cats). As a cat owner she has a cat box. That wonderful cat box is in my laundry room under the deep sink. My nose is telling me that when my loving wife dried the batch of clothes containing the undershirt in question when this glorious litter box was overflowing with cat turds. When I do laundry I clean the cat box first...my wife apparently doesn't think this is a necessity.
* My undershirt was impregnated with superheated catshit particles.
* Superheated Catshit particles are activated by swear and heat.
* I was a superheated Catshit air freshener.
PSA- make sure the scent situation with your laundry room is squared away before drying clothes.
If you are on this flight and you are wondering why that sales guy is nipping hard, it is because his undershirt is in a trash bin behind a gas station in North Carolina.
Maybe it was a Machiavellian plan to make me do my own fucking laundry? Perhaps she is sitting there stroking the cat contentedly marveling at her own evil genius. I don't really know.
**TL;DR** my wife did me the favor of impregnating my undershirt with superheated Catshit via the dryer. I wore the shirt during a tool demo and the fresh scent was activated by my perspiration.
Dexx2: Bounce (catshit nirvana) scented.
CoyoteBrown: Wait until marketing gets ahold of it. Fabulous Feline Feces fragrance by bounce
Dexx2: I better patent it quick!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1410999923 | 1411000930 | t3_2gppln | t5_2to41 | 6 | GamesinaBit: TIFU by going on a bad subreddit
Alright, normally I only go on normal subreddits like /r/tifu, /r/askreddit, maybe a dozen more subs I'm subbed to, and sometimes I spice it up with the occasional visit to /r/circlejerk. As you may know, a common link in the comments of /r/askreddit is / r /cutefemalecorpses. This is by far one of the most fucked up subs I've seen. However, today was specifically bad. I found it in some askreddit post and decided "What the hell, I haven't seen too many bad things lately." Huge mistake. I found an post called "More of the British girl". I clicked on it and it was a cute girl with a glitter tattoo. I scrolled down a bit and saw the grossest fucking corpse I had ever seen. I'm not joking, there's some horrible shit, but that took the cake. When I get shocked by something I see my first reaction is to swear a lot and go on /r/eyebleach. So I say something like, "Holy fucking shit. The internet can be so fucking fucked up." While stumbling to /r/eyebleach. Little did I know, my dad just so happens to be shaving in the bathroom while I'm saying this. He stops immediately and demands I show him what made my say such "vile words".
*shit*
I press Ctrl+Shift+T. At first he looks at me oddly, but then sees the other picture in the album. He tells me to click on it, and before doing so I look away. He sees the picture and immediately is standing outside my room swearing in a similar fashion to me before saying, "What were you doing looking at that? I'm going to talk to your mother about this." And now I get to go watch my dad tell my mom that I was looking at a bloody corpse.
TL;DR: DON'T GO ON /r/cutefemalecorpses
Edit: I know I misspelled it. But for the sake of saying I spelled it wrong when I did it on purpose, I'll change it.
DeathAndRebirth: TUFU : By linking the wrong subreddit
but yea you fucked up by making it obvious your looking at some shit... and yea parents can be real hypocrites sometimes
GamesinaBit: I did that on purpose because I knew people would try to go on it.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411000698 | 1411066278 | t3_2gpqxy | t5_2to41 | 23 | CozmoSchrute: TIFU when I made a post-miscarriage woman cry in front of everyone in the office.
I walk into the office this morning and see a woman, lets call her Jill, is sitting at a desk that she doesn't normally sit at. This isn't anything out of the ordinary as people move cubicles in our office all the time. She had also been gone for a few weeks prior to today but the team that she works for travels or does work out of the office often so it isn't out of the ordinary for me not to see people for weeks at a time as well.
First, let me give you a quick description of Jill. She's pretty overweight but she's really nice and has a great sense of humor. I just started working here about 6 months ago and she was one of the only ones that was friendly to me. So I usually say hi and chat with her when I come in if I see her. But today she had headphones on and was looking down at some documents so I strolled by without interrupting her.
To get to my desk, I pass by Jill's old desk and realize that she only took half of her office stuff to her new desk. So I thought, oh she's probably just taking her time with the move. I get to my desk and work a couple of hours and then head to lunch. Walking out of the office, I pass by the old desk and see that her stuff still isn't moved. So when I get to Jill's new desk, I peak my head over the wall and jokingly say "Hey, so do we all get two desks after taking a 2 week vacation now or what?" (Yes, I'm that jackass at work)
She replies,"Oh, (with a faint and unconvincing laugh) I'm actually sitting here temporarily"
I say "O really? Why's that?"
"Well... do you really want to know?"
"...Yeah"
She says, "well I lost my baby."
Caught off guard I reply, "What? What are you talking about?"
Tears start to roll down her cheeks as she belts out "I had a miscarriage and I can't stand to be in that cubical because the memories are too much!"
Heads start popping up from cubicles gawking at us. She's baling and I'm just standing there wide eyed like an idiot. Then another woman came up to Jill, put her arm around her and told me to leave. So I apologized and walked out.
Turns out she's not really overweight and wasn't working away from her desk for a few weeks... She was pregnant and on maternity leave. TIFU because I made a post-miscarriage woman cry in the office and thought she was fat instead of pregnant.
TrentWoodruff: While you undoubtedly feel bad, you honestly didn't do anything wrong. In fact, I would go so far as to say that you were TRYING to do a good thing. I know intentions don't outweigh results, but they do matter. And Jill certainly understands that you didn't want to hurt her.
You should apologize, and it seems clear you'll mean it. But I think that what you actually did, despite the awful results/information, was not that bad.
CozmoSchrute: Well thank you.. And you're right, I'll definitely apologise. I'm planning on buying her some hershey's chocolate and dropping it on her desk tomorrow.
porradavfr: A nice, hand-written letter is called for, not some chocolates. You made an honest mistake but giving her goodies will only compound it.
CozmoSchrute: chocolate was complemented by a nice, hand-written letter.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1411000918 | 1411075422 | t3_2gpraf | t5_2to41 | 8,007 | trappedbypoo: TIFU by Redditing on the toilet.
Reddit, I love you and all, but you made me fuck up bad. I've been a lurker for quite some time, but I've got nothing else to do and I figured this story was too good to pass up.
**The story:**
I work in an older office building, and occasionally have to answer the calls of mother nature. Pooing at work wasn't great until to weeks ago when I finally got a smartphone. I started browsing Reddit on the can as soon as I got it, and at work I retreat to the hidden restroom stall in my building to do the deed. It's private there and I've spent upwards of 20 mins redditing when I was supposed to be working.
Today was a little different. The last few nights I've been caught up in watching Scrubs on Netflix and haven't gotten much sleep. So today when I went for my "End of Shift Poo" I drowsed off a little while redditing. I finally woke up when a janitor (custodian or whatever is PC) came in to "clean." He knocked on the door and asked if anyone was still in here. Of course, too embarrassed to say I had been sleeping on the toilet for hours, I quietly hid in my stall. He immediately left without cleaning the place, I guess because it didn't have much traffic. I waited about five minutes to leave, got up, washed my hands, and tried to leave.
To my surprise, the door was locked. Apparently since my office building is really old and the bathroom I'm in wasn't always a bathroom the door had a lock on it that has to be locked daily. I've tried everything, I'm on T-mobile so as you can imagine, there's no service. I've sent out some emails to my boss and maintenance ... but who checks their email after work anyway.
So now all I have is Reddit to entertain me until someone unlocks the door.
EDIT 1: I appreciate people trying to help. As you can imagine I don't want to many people to know about this so I'd like to avoid the fire dept or police. I also know I'll be free tomorrow so its not like its a big rush.
Also, I don't have the phone number of any one with access so that's out. I don't want the police or anyone involved.
EDIT 2: I'm going to try making calls see where it gets me. I'll call the building, maybe some coworkers.
EDIT 3: I'm working on 26% battery, I charged it before I left my desk. I'm fighting with imgur on my phone but I promise pics ASAP. I'm working on plans for sleeping. I've got some snacks in my bag.
**Here's the lock. Pretty standard stuff:**
http://i.imgur.com/zr0klKp.jpg?1
**The view from my throne(I'm still not comfortable with an open stall door):**
http://i.imgur.com/PBgwcmc.jpg
**Hopefully the last edit:** I finally called the building. I had to call 6 times before a security guard picked up. He's on his way. Thanks everyone for the support!
**UPDATE:** Finally got out. The security guard was not as happy to see me as was him. He escorted me out of the building and I'm GOING THE FUCK HOME. I might do an AMA to explain everything if people are really that interested. I can't imagine they will be. So goodnight Reddit, thanks for being here with me. Maybe I won't have to work tomorrow.
squishy_86: Are you hungry? Try ordering pizza online. Under special instructions put "Locked in bathroom. Please help".
trappedbypoo: This would be hilarious actually.
EDIT: I would do this but the building is probably completely locked up.
[deleted]: Dude, I delivered pizza for awhile and back then, I would have been there immediately. That's the best thing I've ever heard.
claymcdab: Did you fulfill odd/emergency requests often?? It sounds like you were on top of your shit when you delivered pizzas.
[deleted]: Ha no... It'd break the monotony.
claymcdab: disappointing reply... I wanted story time :(
Xantoxu: [K.](http://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromthepizzaguy)
chellesparks: When you respond with just "K" it makes me think you're mad at me. :(
Xantoxu: **K.**
BlendeLabor: http://gfycat.com/GlassActiveJanenschia
MBII: I desperately need you to tell me how that girl is
BlendeLabor: I am confuse
MBII: Do you know who the girl in the gfy you posted is?
BlendeLabor: nope, no idea. sorry man. I think it was on /r/HighQualityGifs some time ago
| 15 | 533.8 | |
1410998361 | 1411005305 | t3_2gpmwi | t5_2to41 | 16 | thorkell85: TIFU By touching the positive wire in a lightswitch
So this wasn't very recent but it sure was a memorable experience that will forever teach me to have a respect for electricity.
So my story starts at my at my moms apt me and my friends are dicking around and for some dumb ass reason my friends dare me to touch the positive lead located in the light switch. Me being the dumb ass I am trying to be mr.cool guy willing to try something stupid, I got get a flat head screwdriver remove the face plate of the switch take a deep breath… Then the next thing I know I'm laying on the floor on my back and all my friends are standing around with a look like I just died or something. They said that I had passed out for 30 secs and that as soon as I touched the positive lead I keeled over and hit the floor, I'm surprised I didn't freaking die. I felt quite energized after that though.
From what people have told me that just touching a positive lead wouldn't do that but I guess I must have grounded myself (no pun intended). So the moral of the fuck up kids is don't listen to your dumb ass friends and go through with dumb ass dares especially if it involves electricity.
this is my first TIFU post so be gentle LOLOL
bronzeart: So, all in all, was it a positive experience? You seem to have gotten a charge out of it.
59caddy: I find it shocking that he didn't burn out
bronzeart: don't be so negative.
| 4 | 4 | |
1411002341 | 1411087452 | t3_2gptt7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | GodKing_Obama: TIFU by getting mad at my girlfriend for being sad.
Edit: we talked it out and it's all good.
I'm dumb. My girlfriend and I live in an apartment together. Since last month there has been constant construction in the surrounding apartments, the worst of which is right above this. This doesn't affect me very much because I have normal working hours, but she works nights and sleeps during most of the day.
To allow her to get some sleep, I have her my key to my dad's house, so she can sleep in the spare room of she needs (my dad lives about 10 minutes away). In addition to this, the landlord has given us a concession to make up for the noise, even though they're working within the parameters of our lease. In my mind the problem was solved, but in hers it wasn't.
She's been coming home, going to sleep, and then waking up when the construction starts (about 2 hours after she goes to sleep), causing her to be super upset, and then drive over to my dad's to sleep.
The construction should be over in a week or so, but it'd be a miracle if she sticks around with me for that.
She was crying again this morning, and writing an email to the landlord about it when I woke up. Being the unemotional assbutt that I am, I told her in a very mean way "you know when the construction is going to start everyday, why are you doing this to yourself? Just go to my dad's and sleep" (author's note, my dad is cool with it, is not a creeper, and isn't home while she's there) she understandably got upset, and I left for work.
I fucked up real bad. I apologized but she hasn't responded yet. I'm not good with dealing with emotion, as I tend to be super pragmatic, and have a hard time with the "they don't want a solution, they want someone to listen" thing. I did my best for a while, but blew myself up.
Mrsoodley: She was probably mad because she came home to be around your presence (even if she just sleeps) and you didn't appreciate it.
Samsarasamsara: Nailed it.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Women...
Just tie her up, gag her and have super-noise-blocking headphones and a blindfold.
Sensory deprivation. She'll be more obedient after that.
[deleted]: I think you might be in the wrong subreddit, try r/BDSM
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1411003256 | 1411009573 | t3_2gpvgq | t5_2to41 | 11 | tifu_again: TIFU by sexting with the wife at work - so NSFW
So, there I am, bored and at my desk. A couple texts go back and forth between the wife and me. Then things got a bit more intense...
Things happen. In my pants. Tent fully pitched, and a half hour later, I put the phone down to get back to work. Of course my boss walks in and we talk for a few, and gradually, with my leg crossed in concealment, Jr gets tired of standing at attention and decides to take a break.
Boss takes off and I get up to go do something to look productive. But my crotch feels a bit damp...
I look down and see a pre-cum wet spot on my khaki pants over two inches across! Shit!
I hunker down at my desk, trying desperately to find something to dry my pants with, but no towel or napkin is within reach. So as I desperately try to do whatever I can to get the wet spot to dry a meeting reminder pops up on my laptop. SHIT!
I have a bottle of water that l might "accidentally" spill on my pants, but I consider it to be a last resort. Just in case I get a visitor I uncap it and place it on the edge of my desk, ready to spill it on my crotch if needed.
Lucky me, the meeting invite has a dial in number. Call eventually ends and with the spot on my pants about half its size now, I make a run to the men's room. Take a stall and use TP and the gentle brease of, well, me, to dry up the rest of the wet spot. In 15 minuted I'm dry, and no stain!
A few hours later its quitting time and I escape the day with my reputation, for whatever its worth, intact.
tifu_again: I sent my wife a link to this post. She is now laughing at me, but we will make the beast with two backs tonight, so at least I've got that going for me...
rootup: As someone will eventually say here... Pics (of the main event tonight) or it never happened! :P
tifu_again: Edit- This might be too identifiable.
citan_uzuki: Nah - just wear [Luchador masks](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5d/Lucha_Masks.jpg) and you'll be fine. =)
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1411002214 | 1411054391 | t3_2gptk7 | t5_2to41 | 33 | Huskerdid: TIFU by visiting /r/freebies
So my wife loves free samples. Loves them. Tiny boxes of laundry detergent, small foil packets of shampoo. All free samples. One day I stumbled across the subreddit /r/freebies and figure this is a great opportunity to get her some single serving surprises. Anything that sounds up her alley I grab. Moisturizers? Yup. Hair care? Yup. Feminine hygiene products? Yup.
Over the past few weeks packages of varying sizes arrive in the mail. Today a slightly larger box from Proctor and Gamble is waiting for us when we get home from work. After the normal post-work routine - take the dog out, get dinner started - she goes to check out this purple box. Upon opening the packet of freebies she stops and stares at me with that look that says 'are you fucking kidding me'? I look at what's in her hands - a few samples of Always pads - and realize why it's funny. A dude ordering free samples of sanitary pads. That's why she's looking at me like that. Right? RIGHT? [Nope.](http://imgur.com/cjaTKPJ)
Always. Discreet. Bladder. Protection.
Bladder.
We laughed our asses off for the next 20 minutes before she said 'is this one of those 'today I fucked ups'?
**TL;DR:** Thought I ordered my wife a free sample of a feminine pad, but instead insinuated that she has the bladder control of a 90 year old.
TK-fett: I belive my sister in law order the same sample and had it delivered to my po box. The PO box that I have a co worker check for me. So yesterday on my desk there was a nice purple box. A little larger that a three ring binder and about as thick as a pack of american singles with a flip up top to show the product inside.
Is that the same sample? If so TIFU by letting my sister in law know my mailing address.
Huskerdid: That's the one. The picture above is what was inside the box. I thought I was being a good husband, I just didn't read the description well enough. It said Always Pads and didn't read anything else because... male.
| 3 | 11 | |
1411005163 | 1411006759 | t3_2gpys9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | smellfishstick: TIFU by trying to pee in a river
I went on a trip to Texas and decided to go tubing (you sit in a donut tube and drift down a river, sounds fun right?). So I signed the injury/death waiver and hopped into the tube with my girlfriend. It was an amazing experience drifting down the river, and we saw all the wild turtles, deers, and birds hanging out.
About 2 hours later, we drifted into a forest-y area, and that's when I needed to pee really badly. I thought about relieving myself in the tube, but I didn't want to get piss in my pants, so I tried to stand up inside my tube so that I could get some projectile motion going. Everything was going according to plan...till I suddenly lost my balance and fell into the river.
I don't know how to swim and I totally forgot to ask for a life jacket. I sank immediately. I touched the bottom with my feet, but my head was about 3 feet below the surface. I couldn't float and already got some water inside my lungs. I instinctively pushed/jumped up with all the energy I had and screamed "HELP!"....I did this twice and sank back down with gulps of river water. Thankfully I was not in a deeper area of the river. My girlfriend swam toward me and was able to pull me up. I was brought to shore still conscious. I'm so glad I didn't drown.
To celebrate, I pee'd in the river after I recovered. And I got a huge dinner afterward because I learned that life is too short to worry about getting fat.
TLDR: Went tubing for 2+ hours and needed to pee badly. Almost drowned from trying to shoot pee into the river.
lunacite: I'm just curious how old you are since everyone I've ever met has known how to swim since they were children.
Maskguy: Also beeing unable to swim and deciding tubing is a good idea
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411007099 | 1411007936 | t3_2gq29z | t5_2to41 | 11 | lumpybuttthrowaway: TIFU by getting too curious about my asshole
I was masturbating and decided to stick my finger in the ol' pooper just to see what all the rage was about. Now I have a hemorrhoid.
Sir_not_sir: That's how you found out that you had a hemorrhoid. Just fingering isn't enough to cause them.
lumpybuttthrowaway: I found out today while I was taking a shit.
Speak for yourself, man, I have a tender virgin butthole.
Sir_not_sir: > I was masturbating and decided to stick my finger in the ol' pooper just to see what all the rage was about.
Not any more.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1411007079 | 1411146112 | t3_2gq292 | t5_2to41 | 591 | coronad0: [NSFW] TIFU by snapping a pic of my wife's ass during yoga class before the Broncos game.
Usually, every Wednesday morning around 6am before work my wife goes to this yoga place downtown and does a Bikram yoga session with about 20 other ladies. If you've never heard of or done Bikram yoga, its almost like normal yoga but in a room that has the heat turned up to about 104 F. It is insanely hot. Surface of the Sun hot. Tucson in August hot. Every single person in there sweats like Terrence Knighton (Pot Roast on the Denver Broncos) going up ten flights of stairs.
Trust me, being the lone guy in a small room with 18 other ladies who are primarily in the 19-27 year old range wearing tight yoga pants is on my top 3 list of "Things to do Everyday When I'm an Adult" that I made when I was in high school. But I digress. The thought of getting up at 5:30am to make the yoga class downtown and sweating my friggin' balls off for an hour does not sound like fun ... no matter how good it is for me. I like my gains between 5pm and 10pm, thanks.
Anyway, she's poking at me all night to go with her the next morning and I relent. Fine. I'll go. I might as well go to work earlier than normal. I pack my workout bag that night with everything I need to shower and get ready for work at the yoga place and set the alarm for 5:20am the next morning ...
Alarm goes off. I slap it off and make sure she's up too, but she's not there. Of course, she's already awake and dressed to go. I see her turn to walk out and I can't help but stare. She has the most gorgeous ass. 9/10 buns. Would marry again. So soft, so smooth, just ... wow. Like the soft curve & sheen of a football helmet in low light, it is glorious. If only she knew the secret stash of bum pics I have of her ... I would be in deep shit. I kick the sheets off and shuffle from my side of the bed and grungily get dressed in my old Broncos shorts and my Von Miller sleeveless shirt. I throw on my hoodie and grab my yoga mat and towel and we're off. The sun isn't up. No one is up. It feels like its 50 degrees outside and you can hear birds dying. Who the hell does exercise this early!?
When we get there about 5 minutes early I can see we're one of the last people in. The old door creaks open, a little bell goes off, and we head for the small hallway to the Bikram yoga room. It looks like a Kindergarten entryway with backpacks and small shoelace bags cluttering up everywhere. Ladies are in various stages of shoes coming off and towels being folded and yoga mats being sprayed down. There are no more hooks for my bag. What the hell. (This is important later)
We walk in and it's already about 90 degrees and there's about 4 spots left in the back, where, I will admit, as a 100% American Male, this is prime real estate. I'm sure you can imagine the view from the back of the class. Go ahead. Imagine it. I'll wait ... I notice a few people have put their bags in the back of the room as well. I grab a corner spot and put my bag down and lay out my mat. I don't have that much room, but it'll do. I throw my cell phone into the side pocket of my gym bag and then have a terrible, terrible idea: I put my wife in front of me so I can stare at her butt all class. My phone is right there. Ahhhhh yes. I tell my wife I'm gonna be staring at her bum all class and she rolls her eyes while putting on a half-tired smile. I know for her, this class is all business. Yeah. For me too babe. Me too.
Class is about to start and more ladies are laying their mats down, talking about some TV show, and lots and lots of stretching is going on. I'm one of two guys in the class. By the look of his terrible white guy dreadlocks and his obvious Mastery of the Smell of Patchouli I decide it's too early to talk to anyone. I imagine his name is Brayden. We avoid eye contact. On the plus side, there are now 20 other ladies in class and they are all morning-groggy-gorgeous. A few of them look like they never went to sleep and have perfect makeup on. They all have hair in that messy-cute bun on top and 3 have pigtails. One of them has, no shit, the perfect Lara Croft braid down the back. Oh god. My weakness. My spaghetti begins to build like a hungry D-Lineman.
I look up at the thermometer in the front right corner of the room and it says 103 F. Jesus. This has to be considered torture somewhere. About 6 of the ladies have taken their shirts off and its as advertised: sports bras and/or swimsuit tops. The hippie Indian music begins and the instructor starts barking out movements: Awkward pose, Balancing Stick, Salutation, etc. After the first 15 minutes or so it starts to smell like a flowery sorority locker room. I breathe in deep and its like I'm breathing for the first time. My lungs fill with the scent of cinnamon and lace. Oh your God.
It's 20 minutes in and the ladies are sweaty as all get out. My wife is dripping in sweat. It's literally like a soft core porn in here where you can watch individual beads of sweat glistening off smooth shoulders and the small of their back. Like a huge rain drop, I see one of the sweat beads begin just below my wife's bra strap. It glides down her spine and everything in the room is going slower. I forget how perfect her little back dimples look as I gaze lower and watch the sweat bead dip into the top of her yoga shorts and mock me. They're where I want to be in about 45 minutes. They've beat me to it. Her shorts are oh so tight on her soft round curves. How did I get this lucky? HOW!?
As we are now facing the back wall in mid Triangle post, it's so friggin' hot, I decide I need to take my shirt off. I pull it up and over and toss it towards my bag. I notice something. Something shiny. My phone. It's sticking half way out of the side pocket on my bag. Our instructor calls out our next moves: Salutation then Hands to Feet. This is literally my only chance. I look left ... then right. Most of the room has their eyes closed. In one swift move I reach for my iPhone and flick the bottom right corner up (I don't know if it's the same on Android, but this is the quick camera gesture on an iPhone).
We turn around and I'm in salutation with my phone in my hand ... I turn the phone upside down in my right hand so when we bend over I have the perfect angle. I look down at her soft, peach fuzzed legs that are now beaded with sweat. Her yoga shorts barely come down to the soft cleft of her ass. A view I've seen a 1,000 times but this ... this is going to be perfect. We breathe in and begin the bend. I glance quickly and notice no one is looking this way in the mirror ... she begins to go over. Oh god oh god oh god. I'm halfway over and my eyes focus into a thousand lasers on her ass. My hand with the phone is about 1/2 way as I can view a Sea of Hot Ass in front of me. All of them. Every single girl is bent over in a sweat pool of college gloriousness ... oh hell ... I should get a pic of this before I get my wife ... I randomly tap a girls ass who is bending over 3 rows ahead of me in my viewfinder to focus on the whole group ... this is it. Oh god. So much ass. So much hot, sweaty, prime ass ...
**"KAAAAA-CLICK!!!!"**
Oh God. Oh no. Oh fuck me. Oh god no no no no no no. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FFFFUUUUUUUUCCCKKK.
The blood rushes to my face like an AIM-9 slams into a burnt out tank on the Battlefield of Ultimate Embarrassment. THE ENTIRE FUCKING ROOM TURNS AROUND. My wife glances from her bent over position and her mouth is open to the floor. There is no sound. I am in space. I am a million miles from everyone in the room who is standing 5 feet from me. I stop breathing. I don't move for what feels like a month.
Slowly, silently, I turn around and put the phone in my bag. Everyone is now standing and I can feel the ten thousand Eyes of Sauron on my back. One of the girls says "What the fuck was that!?". My wife leans over and whispers to me: "Get. the fuck. out of here. I will see you. In. the. car." I rise to my feet and begin my walk of shame. The instructor hears my wife and tries to break the tension while letting everyone know my crime: "Everyone .. everyone please know that cell phones are NOT ALLOWED IN HERE AT ANY TIME. SIR, IF YOU COULD PLEASE LEAVE. NOW." Two girls look at me as if they are going to spit on my face. My wife is shaking her head.
**I fucked up.** I fucked up so so so so bad. Anyway, [here's the pic.](http://i.imgur.com/wDgvRAA.jpg)
Ruschnav: I can't stop laughing my ass off right now. Why would you have your shutter sound on anyway?
crodensis: not sure about OP, but on my phone it's impossible to turn the shutter sound off. have to download some outside app or something, and f that.
ed1380: putting the phone in silent mode works.
crodensis: nah not even that.
ed1380: are you in japan? Ive heard it's disabled there because of problems with upskirt shots
| 6 | 98.5 | |
1411007468 | 1411008790 | t3_2gq2wh | t5_2to41 | 10 | Aithen: TIFU By Being Clueless
This isn't so much of a train wreck fuck up as it is me cock blocking myself. So last night I was at a Tech N9ne concert... As someone who loves his music I was having a GREAT time. I wasn't even drunk and I was dancing like no one was watching. Well, along comes a cute girl and she decides to stand beside me. Really closely... And she's holding onto my shoulder. I think nothing of it as the floor is really packed at this time. Then she taps my shoulder, so I look over and she's not looking at me. I say nothing, and turn back to enjoy the show. She taps my shoulder again... I look, she's looking away again. I figure she is just keeping balance, but I soon figure out when she slaps my shoulder and walks away that she was trying to flirt with me... I guess? I really wish I had of been bright enough to catch on to that one, but I fucked up and cock blocked myself.
bury_the_hatchet: yeah well if that's how she flirts can you imagine how she has sex
ha no you can't because you didn't fuck her
Aithen: I shouldn't have laughed at that because I missed out... but I did.
bury_the_hatchet: don't worry i just tried to date a girl who i guess only wanted to fuck, so I feel your pain
especially because i didn't even fuck her
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411009061 | 1411050169 | t3_2gq5g7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting who I thought was a good friend
I met this girl. Like every other TIFU this one involves a girl. Lets call her Donna. One of my friends liked her before school started. And and another once it did. They both blew it. One was too creepy, one was just loud and obnoxious. She liked me. We started talking. I like her. We kissed and it was great. The issue is, my friends hate her. No reason why, they just cannot seem to handle me having someone. I don't know why. Then they started bullying her. Constantly saying shit about her. She heard everything cause we are in high school in a small town.
Today is the last straw. I tell my friend in confidence about how I fucked up our first kiss. However she was cool with it and when we kissed again it was all good. However, the friend who liked her from summer got jealous. So the friend I told about the kiss, lets call him Mike, tells the friend from the summer, lets call him John, because John feels jealous that I had someone. So when John hears about my initial fuck up, he and a few of my friends make a bunch of snapchat stories making fun of me. All because I thought I trusted someone.
Needless to say, she cannot handle their shit anymore, and she can't do it. Its over between us. TIFU by trusting a friend and not expecting him to not act like an immature asshole but of course he did. I've learned something from this fuck up however, and its that having a girl in your life can quickly weed out who your real friends are and who the real assholes are. I just feel bad for her, no one deserved the shit I put her through and I don't no how else to feel because I feel guilty for their actions.
IWillTrollU: I'm going to give you a bit of advice: Trust No One. If a friend ever double-crosses you, cut them loose forever. They will do it again.
SpeedOften: ^This.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411008834 | 1411016447 | t3_2gq51t | t5_2to41 | 9 | Bellemorte8: TIFU by shopping at a charity second hand store.
So today my mother and I went to a second hand store to look for some things for a cowboy themed party. As I was trying on hats I sat my sunglasses on a shelf. About 10 minutes later I'm down the other end of the store when I hear a man asking the lady at the counter how much sunglasses are. She tells him and he buys them and leaves. I think nothing of it and later as I'm leaving it's super sunny and I look for my sunnies. I go back into the store to look for them and it hits me. That man had purchased my $120 ray ban wayfarers for the huge sum of $1.
Skadoosh_Nozzle: And I bet they work just as well as a 1$ pair of thrift store sunglasses.
Bellemorte8: Normally I buy $10 gas station ones but these were a birthday gift. This is why I don't have expensive things!
| 3 | 3 | |
1411006204 | 1411079524 | t3_2gq0hx | t5_2to41 | 7 | vickwill13: Tifu by watching Requiem for a Dream
So I'm in my room, surfing on demand for something to watch. I have no life and I've seen almost everything, so I start watching this movie. For those unfamiliar with Requiem, it's what I would assume tripping heroin would be like. It's also really gross. At one point I realized that in greater interest or ever regaining the ability to unclench, I should turn this shit off. So I do.
Fast forward two hours. I'm in the kitchen. I am filling a water bottle out of my fridge (yeah, one of those classy ones, bitches). The ice maker drops some ice into the bin and makes a clatter. Those familiar to the movie might remember the jumping refrigerator. It would leap forward several feet from the wall when the mom was coming down. She was just tripping, and it wasn't real, but it startled her like 50 times, no lie.
So I start thinking, "Fuck Fuck Fuck, the fridge is going to fall on me"
Everything goes dim. Little black dots form in the center of my vision and bloom outwards until I can't see. I'm taking small, seemingly futile steps away, but everything keeps getting darker. I feel the wall and know I'm just a step from being out of the room. I want to fall. I still can't see anything. Another step forward, I bash my head straight into the door. Searing pain, I felt short of breath, I'm sure my pulse was soaring. My vision began to clear while I was on the floor, but I got up again before it cleared all the way. I just wanted away. When I got back to my room I just hyperventilated until I calmed down. I still have no idea what happened. But I have this gash on my forehead and I don't know how to explain this to my date tomorrow.
TL;DR: gingerly took a stroll to the watering hole. Had a panic attack and busted my head on some shit. It's ok, you can laugh.
MeIohi: Is it worth watching?
vickwill13: Eh... I'd like to think of it as an acquired taste. Very worthwhile if you're interested in substance abuse, or the story. It's a really bad trip if you were, say, smoking pot before watching. This is a clip from early in the movie.
http://youtu.be/mkYNhZvlHv0
MeIohi: Ok, after watching that clip I'm just going to opt out and go watch Harry potter.
Doesn't seem like anything I would care to watch. Thanks for the link
vickwill13: Good on ya. Like I said. It's spot on in what it's going for, it's just a very slim target audience.
MeIohi: Ha. I could tell.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1411002275 | 1411050605 | t3_2gptp1 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by not reading my order fully before placing it....
Today I received 100 unfolded boxes from the United States Postal Service....and in the next week I'm supposed to receive 250 more.
It all started a couple days ago when I decided to send all of my friends ,who go to other colleges, care packages from my school. I went onto the USPS website to get some of their free boxes and envelopes and packing stuff delivered to me. In total I ordered about 10 boxes and envelopes and some stickers...at least I thought. WRONG. I hadn't fully read the order and on accident ordered 10 packs of 20 boxes, 3 rolls of 1,000 stickers, and some other envelopes and mailing tubes and stuff.
Now I have no room in my dorm, my suitemates all think I'm an idiot and tomorrow I have to call USPS and explain to them how I accidentally ordered 300 more items than I needed.
citan_uzuki: You could just leave the supplies in the common area of the dorm and let other people take them, perhaps?
weoewopwe: Put it on your creditcard, ey
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1411010152 | 1411012745 | t3_2gq77j | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing my pants at work
So my job has a lot of manically busy periods and a lot of painfully slow periods. During the slow times I still have to be available and in the office, even though everyone knows I have next to nothing to do.
Obviously reddit is my best friend during the slow times, but unfortunately it's blocked on my work computer. No big deal, I'll just take five 30 minute shit breaks a day and sit on the toilet gleefully lurking reddit.
This is all going swimmingly until yesterday when I had the realisation that because I'm not actually taking a dump, I don't need to drop my boxers to my ankles - just my pants, in case someone notices me sitting on the toilet wearing my pants. So I'm sitting there yesterday with my pants at my ankles but still wearing my boxers, browsing reddit, when I feel the need to pee. No problem, I think, I'm sitting on the toilet after all, so I let it flow.... all through my boxers.... I forgot that I was still wearing them... I jump up from the shock, which just means that my piss starts dripping on to my pants. Fuck.
TLDR; I pissed my pants at work.
Rainier_Imbiber: Aww piss
YouWantALime: [Good one, mate!](http://i.imgur.com/94JhiM7.png)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411010475 | 1411070758 | t3_2gq7rc | t5_2to41 | 15 | show_me_ur_buns: TIFU by sexting while texting
So, about a minute ago. Had to post.
Texting two different girls I met on Tinder. Well ones a girl, 23, well call her bummer, and then theres Larrissa, she is 40. I'm texting them both. Larrissa is an hour away, Bummer lives in my town and knows people I know. I met her on Tinder. Larrissa wants to see my cock, Bummer is suppose to come over and chill and smoke some.
Larrissa wants the goods, so I oblige. I'm down, shes 40 and hot, so I take a couple quick pics of me stroking it, and send it out. ONLY the pics go to Bummer and not Larrissa.
Her reply is, "WTF, Seriously"
I reply, "Don't come over" but her response is "Ugh" so I say, "Come over than." and she goes, "I will but to smoke and that's it."
UPDATE: Came over, super cool girl. Nothing awkward at all. Not even a fuck up at this point.
Could have been horrible, I'm glad it wasn't
So not a fuck up, because everything unfolded within the time I've been typing. What I want to do is a total update thread though. Stay posted and I'll let you all know throughout. Maybe my fuck up can turn into something great.
BuckinTweet: >5 hours later
we can only assume the worst by now. Obviously 'Show_me_ur_buns' was murdered.
R.I.P. buns
sod_jones_MD: When were you when /u/show_me_ur_buns dies?
BuckinTweet: At home, enjoying virtual pussy, like every other man afraid of the craigslist killer.
sod_jones_MD: /u/show_me_ur_buns is kill
BuckinTweet: Um... what?
ClydeLoL: he ded
BuckinTweet: yeh he ded
:c
| 8 | 1.875 | |
1411012313 | 1411053185 | t3_2gqamt | t5_2to41 | 5 | touchyfather: TIFU by rejecting a McDonalds employee.
So i left work to go get some dinner on my break. I'm down to my last $50 before pay day. Well I Order a Frappe for my coworker and i get to the first window and pay with the $10 he gave me. I pull up to the second window and the girl at the second window tells me, "My coworker wants me to give you her number." This hasnt really ever happened before, so i ask why me? And she told me that she thinks I'm cute. I tell her that I'm taken and drive away. I'm hungry and broke so i figure, why not buy some cheap ass poison from McDonalds? So I circle around through the drive-thru again and order some chicken sandwich meal. Same girl at the first window. I pay and pull up to the second window and the same girl at the second window looking towards the back of the store laughing like the ignorant young girl she is. She has some feminine man hand me my food and i drive off. I realize I didnt get my drink so i go inside and wait to be helped and i told them I didn't get a drink, unless it was in the bag. Bad joke. So he gives me a cup and i fill it up and leave. I get back to work and find just a sandwich in the bag. No fries. So by rejecting some girl at McDonald's because im happily in a relationship, i got fucked over and payed a meal price for a sandwich. I guess it could be worse. I could be working at McDonalds, or even worse working at McDonald's and trying to give my number out to people.
[deleted]: Girl thought you were cute and wanted to give you her number,so you end by saying "could've been worse-could've been working at McDonald's and trying to give my number out". She has some confidence,don't really see faulting her for that
[deleted]: Id fault her for ripping him off though
[deleted]: Oh definitely. But to put her down for being employee and confident,c'mon, that's a bit elitist
[deleted]: True.
Maybe he gets cranky when he hasnt had enough fries :P
[deleted]: Eh,mcd fries aren't worth that grumpiness. Were it Arby's curly fries or chik fil a waffle fries,I'd be pissed along with him
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1411013271 | 1411014550 | t3_2gqc60 | t5_2to41 | 42 | worthless-peon: Tifu by calling IT.
I work at a hospital and supervise the linen department among other things. All of my employees are Mexican woman and are the most innocent unassuming people I know. They are also extremely inept with computers. We use a computer program to track our usage and print out reports. Whenever there is a computer issue like needing to close an uncommon command prompt I have to go help them. Today there was actually an issue that warranted an IT call. The IT guy answers and attempts small talk by saying, "an IT call from Laundry, that's not something you see everyday." After about thirty minutes of the IT guy remoting in and trying to reconnect a printer, the issue still wasn't resolved. The final thing he wanted me to try was restart the computer. I close out all of the open programs to discover a nearly naked Mexican man in the background. I say the obligatory, "uhhhh, this isn't my profile," while fumbling quickly to restart the computer. The IT guy responded, "well that's something you don't see everyday either."
Rehberg311: You should have looked him dead in the eye and said "Let's never taco bout this ever again...".
lnrstnr: Bravo.
| 3 | 14 | |
1411013634 | 1411042396 | t3_2gqcpg | t5_2to41 | 40 | Da_Porta: Tifu by saying I had a bomb at the White House
(*insert talk about long time reader, first time poster and being on mobile here*)
Today (do I get bonus points for my FU happening today?) my class took a field trip from Kansas up to Washington DC to see the White House (I'm writing this from my hotel room in DC.) This morning we got up, and were at the front of the White House by 11:15.
We walk inside to begin our tour, and this is where I fuck up HORRIFICALLY. As we're going through the metal detectors, I set my backpack down to get screened.
Apparently, there was something inside my backpack that looked a little bit suspicious, so the security guards asked me if I had anything in it. For whatever reason, I responded "Yeah, a bomb."
Everything STOPPED, and everyone stared at me. My school's principle was in line right behind me, and a few seconds into the silence I hear him whisper "what the fuck, Da_Porta!"
Security asked me to come with them, and they interrogate me for 30 minutes. My parents got called, and I'm suspended for an undecided amount of time. I don't get to participate in anything for the rest of the trip, and probably fucked up the next year of my life.
**TL;DR: Said I had a bomb in my backpack at the White House, security guards were *not* amused**
**EDIT** I have strong ADHD, so I sometimes say the first thing I think of. That isn't an excuse for what I did, just a reason
**EDIT2** I'll post an update when I get back to Kansas
WWLadyDeadpool: Have you never flown in your life? Sorry your DC trip went so far down for a dumb joke though.
ethicalpentester: This didn't happen at the airport. It happened in the White House. Read..
WWLadyDeadpool: I know where he was, but if he'd ever flown his parents would've taught him what jokes you can't make in front of people who are looking for threats.
PM_ME_YOUR_BURDENS: a lot of people haven't flown, it's not entirely unplausible that somebody hasn't been in the know of how not to use sarcasm in high security areas.
Da_Porta: I've been on many flights before. I know what I can and can't say. Saying I had a bomb was accidental, it just slipped out
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1411014081 | 1411015845 | t3_2gqdft | t5_2to41 | 25 | Galdax: TIFU: Blasted porn on my speakers while home alone with crush. Welp.
Hello reddit,
So a little bit of a backstory, this girl comes over to my house once every week during a 4 hour break between her university classes. She is incredibly good-looking and we planned on watching a movie in my room today...
Did not want a unplanned erection so i took certain measures using my mobile device, business is done, going for a shower before she comes so I can look pretty and such. May or may not have forgotten to close my website down before I got into the shower... Yeah this is hitting you guys already.
An hour passes, she comes over, we begin to watch The Purge. I have my music/spotify playing in the background through my bluetooth speakers(they were on before she came over and it didn't bother either of us so it just was left on).
She gets curious about the main actor in the show (creepy blonde guy who always smiles while he shoots people.. yeah turns out he is a lover and multiple shows..).
I open safari. music stops. I know somethings wrong. I say "Don't worry, i got your back ill look it up". girl mid orgasm sounds spread throughout my house in horror.
I.AM.DEAD.
I cannot move, I cannot stop it. We are both looking at my phone. How do i explain this.
I fake laugh and close it. Say something stupid like: "Just thought I'd break the awkwardness hahaha."
She stayed for 7 hours rather than 4, just watching movies and stuff, didn't bother her, she shrugged it off..
TL;DR Blast porn through bluetooth speakers as My Crush and I watch a movie.
UPDATE: Been getting contacted about my poor form.. This is from the brief observation of 7 hours... We've been hangout out for weeks, so from your guys inspiration and support, next week I will make a move! Would you guys like to be updated?
Osafune2: The biggest fuck up here is how you had a girl come to watch a movie in your room and you didn't have sex with her.
I thought "come over and watch a film" was code for "come over and get penetrated"
do_you_have_some_gum: Thats what im saying! Usually you have her come over, put on some shitty movie and about 20 minutes in start to make moves. You could have at least got an old fashioned or double clicked her mouse. Poor form man, poor form.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1411015181 | 1411019620 | t3_2gqey6 | t5_2to41 | 27 | 69demon: TIFU by jerking off on the big monitor
My parents were asleep and my sister was out, so what would a hormone fueled teenager does in his spare time? Go in incognito mode and get the tissues ready.
The internet was out but I had a stash saved on my USB. Since no-one was around I decided to hook it up to the big monitor and go to town.
But out of nowhere, my sister bursts open the door. One hand on my dick, and the other pressing Alt+F4 but it was too late. She saw. She slowly closed the door and said 'I'll let you get back to your porn'.
I cried for 30 minutes as my little sister knew. I come out of my room after an hour of feels and she starts laughing.
I can never see her the same way again
SheenLantern: I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just how "little" is your little sister?
69demon: Little enough to know :(
SheenLantern: Err...What? Does sexual knowledge increase with youth?
69demon: Yes it does
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1411017653 | 1411155234 | t3_2gqi8q | t5_2to41 | 34 | billthezombie: [NSFW(ish)] TIFU by asking my girlfriend if I could suck her dick.
So today my girlfriend and I were making out and I was hoping for a BJ. So I leaned in, intending to whisper into her ear "I want you to put my dick in your mouth" in the sexyist voice I could muster. However, due to a certain lack of bloodflow to my brain I mistakenly said "I want you to put YOUR dick in MY mouth." There was about a second and a half of pause before we both just about died laughing. Needless to say the mood was gone and no dicks got sucked tonight.
therussianpenguin: this is not a fuck up :|
billthezombie: How is it not?
therussianpenguin: because usually users who post here are humiliated publicly, die or kill another person.. u get sex the next day.. she didnt even break up with u... how is this a fuck up.. >-> i want to see the users get hurt man
Ozymandias_Dio: >*The users who post here die*
The fuck TIFUs have you been reading, boy?
therussianpenguin: The good onee
Ozymandias_Dio: I'd be pretty impressed too, considering it's kind of impossible to post a TIFU if you're fuckin' dead.
"Dear Reddit, TIFU by dying. TL;DR, I'm a Skeleton now, OOPS :'("
therussianpenguin: what can i say reddit users are srs skilled
| 8 | 4.25 | |
1411018213 | 1411079372 | t3_2gqiyw | t5_2to41 | 39 | GeekOutHuntsville: TIFU by forgetting which team Wes Welker was on
Asked fantasy football question in /r/fantasyfootball about a wide receiver returning from suspension thanks to the drug policy revision, but thought he was on his old team from 2 years ago. Confusion, derision, and comedy ensued. Was gilded.
Tipsly: Do you think Drew Brees will do good this week against the Bills? What about Vincent Jackson and Darren Sproles?
motherfalcker: And to go off of that, if VJax plays on the left side of the field more than 75% of the snaps, what effect does that have on Aaron Rodgers?
Tipsly: I think Aaron Rodgers is gonna have problems getting open this week against Night Train Lane. But look for Ndamukong Suh to be very effective in the slot this week
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1411019498 | 1411019714 | t3_2gqkih | t5_2to41 | 35 | blasphemicassault: TIFU by eating raspberries from the garden
I went over to my parents house today to help my Mom do some grocery shopping for a three way birthday dinner we're having on Saturday evening. After we had returned home, she put some raspberries she'd picked from the garden that morning into a bowl on the table. I absolutely adore raspberries, so I decided I was going to pig out. Bad idea.
They were the most foul tasting raspberries ever. I immediately spit them out and asked my poor mother what kind of poison she was trying to feed me. She looked utterly confused, saying she'd done nothing out of the ordinary with them this year. She then tried one too, and same reaction. We figured maybe it was just a bad batch.
Shortly before I was planning on leaving, I sat in the backyard with my brother while he had a smoke. While out there, my Mom let our two Pugs out to do their thing. We were sitting in a far corner of the yard, they didn't see us. And that's when I saw it. My dog jumped over the little picket fence my Mom has around her garden, and went straight to peeing all over the raspberry bush! My dog has been pissing on the raspberries this entire time.. We didn't think anything of it since they've never jumped over that fence, nor attempted it. My boy is a bit chubbier and doesn't really jump much to begin with.
I was chowing down on piss infused raspberries.
TL;DR: ate some raspberries from mom's garden, they were gross, later that night found out my dog has been pissing on them the entire season, resulting in them being piss infused.
imacyber: Didn't she wash them first? ahahah :'D
UmbreonsRings: The piss was absorbed by the fruit. they ate pissberries.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1411021362 | 1411022170 | t3_2gqmlm | t5_2to41 | 8 | nothingofyourconcern: TIFU by excitedly showing my old TIFU post to a friend of mine.
This happened a few weeks ago and had forgotten about it until now. ok so if you look at my past submission of a TIFU post:
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2f87kz/tifu_by_posting_my_fuckup_on_rtifu_as_my_fuck_up/
I tried to be smart and it got deleted like I suspected it would....
And I felt awesome even tho I didn't get any karma, since well... I was extremely bored at the time just as I am now.
Anyway. I stupidly sent a screen cap to a friend of mine of my post and he saw my username.... and found out that I fucked his sister from one of my old posts to an askreddit thread.(now deleted)....and now he is furious and still won't talk to me :( and by the way that I had described the incident on reddit... it was pretty clear to him that I was describing his younger sister. So yea... a life long friendship is pretty much over..... and thats it.....TIFU.
Five1six: Never reveal username
Lesson learned the hard way
nothingofyourconcern: oh yea.... well.... I know yours now!
I know you speak Spanish probably...I'm on to you!
Five1six
Five1six: Mind your own you wouldn't be in this problem in the first place guy!!! :D
nothingofyourconcern: I'm not your guy, Buddy!
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1411020964 | 1411490533 | t3_2gqm5q | t5_2to41 | 21 | El_Miyagi: Tifu by saying "I love you" first.
This happened like 30 min ago. Idk she's the first girl I've said it to and she was just umm ok, thanks.
Fuck I need a beer.
Edit: said it to my girlfriend.
biderjohn: if you said it during sex you suck. that shit happened to me once. girl said it to me during sexy time. i looked at her like really why now. what a mess.
El_Miyagi: I didn't, I just said when I was leaving her house. I said "hey I want to tell you something important. I like to have my shit under control all the time and when I don't I like to at least look like I do. It may appear I know how to fix all the shit that's been going on at home but to be honest I don't, I'm not sure how I'll do it, I'm not sure of many things at the moment. But today I was thinking about you, us, and my feelings towards you and they feel right. Its the only thing I can say I am 110% sure of...and I've never said this before to any other girlfriend but I love you."
Her reply was just "aww umm ok"
Stopped kissing me after that and hasn't replied to my msgs.
biderjohn: did you sleep in the car this weekend or did she accept your love?
El_Miyagi: Left town actually
biderjohn: well at least you have your answer.
El_Miyagi: I left town and she said she was too busy all weekend to reply but kept updating her snap chat like every hour wtf
biderjohn: i had a girl do that, "but i was to busy" thing. very frustrating. its tough when one puts it all out there and the reception is lukewarm to freezing cold.
El_Miyagi: I talked to her Sunday night, straight up asked are we OK or is something going on? I feeling some distance and want to make sure nothing is wrong. She simply said "yeah? Oh haha I know." Literally just that, who does that? Idk she was still distant that night but Monday things seemed to be back to normal, hopefully things work out.
biderjohn: Weird. I guess dont mention love again. Have you guys been together long?
El_Miyagi: Not too long really (2months). My gf is shy and never talks much unless we're alone, I knew she might be "cold" but every time she ignores me I repeat this quote I read somewhere, "Just because someone doesn't love back the same way you do, doesn't mean they don't love you back just as much."
I know I can sometimes be intense or too much in a relationship, but I think this whole experience is helping me mature in a way....or maybe she's just playing me and I'm idiot y'know could go either way.
| 11 | 1.909091 | |
1411022667 | 1411024894 | t3_2gqnxr | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by wondering why this guy was staring at me at the bar in the seat next to me. ....I soon found out.
So the story. ..i went to a local restaurant for a few beers at the bar and as soon as I sat down I noticed a guy in the second seat over. So an empty courtesy seat inbetween us. We'll as I sat down we made eye contact and I thought that was weird but o well. I start to drink my beer and out of the corner of my eye this guy was looking my direction. So I look at him and sure enough he was looking at me. I quickly looked away so it didn't seem awkward. So this happens every few minutes. I look at him, we make eye contact and I look away. After 30 min or so this is getting weird. I don't know if this guy is checking me out or sizing me up to fight Idk. Finally I look his direction and he says," dude seriously stop lookin at me your creeping me the fuck out." ...... at that moment I realized, I was the creepy guy staring at someone at the bar.
suchafunnyusername: Literally the worst piece of writing I have ever read. Horrible punctuation, shitty grammar, and doesn't even flow.
I'm really not trying to be rude, but what the hell man. How are you old enough to be in a bar?
And to top it off, idk what the fuck I just read..
TheAngelsHaveTheBox: Today he fucked up by telling a shitty uninteresting story in the worst possible narrative
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411021674 | 1411065710 | t3_2gqmxh | t5_2to41 | 250 | applesnider: TIFU by Bonding with a Cat
Well reddit, looks like I fucked up.
So I recently moved to a new apartment in a new city, and I've been loving the change so far. I've got a cozy room, a bit of furniture, and an awesome roommate - everything a marginally-employed grad could ask for.
In addition to all that, I also have a cat, or at least my roommate does. Now, cats and I have historically gotten along pretty poorly. I admire them, they scratch me. That's the basic, painful formula. But this guy? Totally different. He's an adorable, doofy little fuzzball. Seriously, if you hold out a fist when he's nearby, he'll come headbutt it.
Cat's a bro.
Such a bro, in fact, that we wind up spending a bunch of time together. I mostly work from home, so for most of the day we're the only creatures in the apartment, and he's come to regard me as a consistent source of attention and snacks. Which is great but...I made a mistake.
Shortly after moving in I became partially nocturnal. Maybe it was the old college habits kicking in, maybe it was just an inability to stay off reddit during the wee hours. Whatever the case, I'd usually fall asleep around 4AM. And of course, the cat loved this. He's nocturnal himself, and having a new buddy to play around with all night blew his furry little mind. I didn't mind it either; it's nice having brocat around.
But as they say, all good things come to an end. I've started moving back toward a more human sleep cycle in an effort to at least sort of act like a responsible adult. Brocat isn't really down with this. He's missing his sunrise buddy, and he's not going to let him just get away with this switch.
For the past week or so, I've been reliably awakened around 3AM by pawing and meowing at my door. He won't shut up until I let him in. The moment I do, he does everything he can to make me play. He'll purr, headbutt me, climb all over my face, and knock shit off shelves. But mostly...well, you know how cats like to "make bread" by kneading things with their paws? He's a master at that, and so every morning he'll wind up his routine by dancing the dance of his people for me, and marching all over my stomach and balls.
edit: I did a word wrong.
edit: Figured I'd let you see what brocat looks like: http://imgur.com/97FWYj9
IHaveAGloriousBeard: Okay, so as the owner of a social, attached cat, allow me to offer what worked for me.
Try a blend of reception and persistence. Leave your door open a crack so that the cat can wander in late at night, and if he wakes you up to cuddle, cuddle a little. But do make sure it's aware that you're sleeping. Pet the guy calmly, and slowly, progressively slower over the course of a couple of minutes. Petting an animal can have a gratuitous soothing effect, and you may actually find yourself falling asleep doing this. This is fine, as it generally crosses the same message. Eventually, kitty will get the hint and will take to sleeping near you as an alternative.
Or you'll fall into a perfectly normal routine that only takes a couple of minutes anyways.
ninja edit: This is just what worked for me, but it's the best way I can think of to avoid separation anxieties and still be bros with said cat.
applesnider: I'll give it a try! He usually sleeps with me anyway, maybe I can just get him to do it without all the marching.
poopadoop12: Sounds like your roommate lost a cat.
ey_bb_wan_sum_fuk: Sounds like the cat found a new human.
poopadoop12: My mistake, you are so right.
| 6 | 41.666667 | |
1411008932 | 1411065770 | t3_2gq57x | t5_2to41 | 5 | Giraffingme: TIFU by setting a field on fire
So, as most TIFUs go, this actually happened a few years ago.
I was a sophomore in High School and in Boy Scouts. I enjoyed going on the camping trips once a month in Boy Scouts because it gave me the excuse to play with fire (I love fire). Anyways, we were going on a camping trip at my Scoutmaster's Ranch to prepare for stuff later on in the year. This included helping the younger Scouts learn how to start a fire. My friend and I, we'll call him Adam, were in charge of the whole starting fire stuff, and Adam had brought 2 grill lighters on the camping trip with him. Grill lighters (or any lighter) are usually frowned upon by anyone in Boy Scouts, but he didn't care and we ended up teaching the younger Scouts how to start a fire with a grill lighter. That's not even the fuck up. About 10 minutes after we had finished the 'training' we went back to our tent to mess around. I grabbed one of the lighters from him while he was laying in the tent, and proceeded to light dry prairie grass on fire about 10-15 feet from the tent. Now this wouldn't of been as big of a deal if it wasn't windy as fuck. I "thought" I had blown out the small flame I started on the piece of dry grass, but I was wrong. I turned around and got back into the tent with Adam, only to smell burning. This was my immediate "Oh shit" moment. I crawled out of the tent as fast as I could only to be facing an almost 10 foot flame in the middle of the field where I had set the grass on fire. By the time I told Adam to get the fuck out of the tent, the fire had spread next to the tent and started burning it. Adam's reaction was to start kicking the fuck out of the fire in a futile attempt to put it out. That obviously didn't work, and by the time the fire had spread everyone in the entire camp could smell it, see it, or heard us screaming. It took about 10 people with big buckets of water to put it out. I ended up getting kicked out of Boy Scouts and almost arrested for setting the Scoutmaster's Ranch on fire. That day, I fucked up..real bad.
TL;DR I set a piece of dry grass on fire during a windy day
Voyager5555: I'm confused, are you in the boy scouts?
Giraffingme: Sometimes
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411023606 | 1411090793 | t3_2gqow8 | t5_2to41 | 6 | freeze123901: TIFU by selling my laptop.
Well, i put my laptop for sale on craigslist and someone offered me $100 more for me to express ship it to them, they "paid me" through paypal and told me to send it to Nigeria. Low and behold no money and its too late to get back.
Classic scam and i fell for it like an idiot, took me until i was stoned to put the peices together that i actually got scammed.. and by then it was long gone... i fucking hate how ignorant i am sometimes, it really knows no bounds
kunaly: So you sent it without checking if you had received the money? 0_o
Blackflag421: Paypal is horrible and even if they had sent you the money there's a decent chance they could get the payment reversed anyway (has happened to multiple family members).
cmxhtwn: > has
ouch
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411021459 | 1411052279 | t3_2gqmp1 | t5_2to41 | 2 | CompAcct: TIFU by pushing my screen repeatedly while Snapchat was lagging
So I was sending some *fun* pictures to a lady friend and the SnapChat app started running a bit slow. The picture had taken but the little arrow to click send wasn't showing up. So I kept pressing the corner waiting for it. But when the app finally caught up it pressed send, hit the scroll bar to a random contact and sent it to them. The contact is a guy I have really only spoken to a couple weeks and aren't overly close with. Not yet anyway. I have to see him tonight. Awkward.
OdetoPoutine: Just explain what happened to him. "I was trying to send a pic of my king kong dong to a hussie".. if he's a bro he'll just shrug it off.
Lord_123: Lol
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411027778 | 1411028171 | t3_2gqsw7 | t5_2to41 | 18 | CaptSkunk: TIFU by temporarily causing a block-wide blackout
This happened a while back (2005 to be exact) but I figured I'd share my stupidity with you all.
I was at a hard time in my life where I had no savings whatsoever and the money I did have, went to trying to pay the rent, food and weed. I only made $7.00 an hour and budgeting was a skill I didn't have or care about. Needless to say, my priorities were not in the right order.
After about a month and a half of not paying electricity, the electric company had enough and shut off my power while I was at work. How dare they?! I have to play Vice City and get stoned with my friends. The little food I have in the refrigerator has to stay cold. I saw this as an injustice, even though I was clearly in the wrong and knew it.
I wasn't going to let the power company shut off my power. I knew that turning it back on was a simple but potentially dangerous matter. I found out where the electricity meter was, found a crow bar and got my neighbor and another friend to act as lookout, while I turn the power back on. For those of you that don't know, all you have to do, is get the glass covering off, unplug the meter, remove the plastic covering that is put on one or more of the prongs and plug it back in (don't try this at home).
So, I have already made a lot of noise because the crowbar just shattered the glass covering. Next, I remove the plastic sleeve off of the prong and plug that sucker back in. As soon as I do that, all of the power to every apartment, streetlights, everything, shorts out. Oh, shit, I done fucked up!! I'm outside with my two friends, shitting bricks, trying to think how I'm going to explain this. To make matters worse, half of the residents of the apartment complex come outside and want to know what is going on and we are standing within 5 feet of the power meters.
I say "I don't know" and try to act cool. Most everybody went back inside but they weren't stupid. They knew that I had interrupted The Simple Life or whatever they were doing. No sooner do they go back in, does the power come back on again. Thank goodness, it was just a short power surge and now I can get back to playing video games and getting stoned.
Eventually, I ended up having to move over this. I didn't get evicted but the rent man was not happy and damn close to evicting me. He let me know that I had a month to find a new place or I would be evicted. I eventually found a new apartment and started paying my bills from then on.
TL;DR, didn't pay electric bill, power gets shut off, I turn it back on but in the process, short out the whole block and am thrown out of my apartment. Pay your bills, getting high in the dark isn't fun...
nikatgs: Good job causing the blackout, and good job to getting your life on track
CaptSkunk: Thanks, those were high times. I'm now a respectable (I hope), bill-paying member of society.
| 3 | 6 | |
1411028346 | 1411036393 | t3_2gqtdu | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by Baneposting in real life
I'm sure you guys have noticed the comment trolls who spam comment sections with walls of quotes from the opening scene of The Dark Knight Rises. I was guilty of this at one point, which comes into play a bit later in the story.
So today, I was talking to a cute girl and we really hit it off. While I don't work out much, I'm 6'1" and broad shouldered, leading said girl to remark that I "was a big guy." Without even thinking I blurted out "For you" and smiled with a stupid look. The girl gave me a weird look and said "Well, it was nice meeting you. I'll see you another time." and walked away.
Tl;dr I quoted Banespammers instead of flirting like a normal person.
Kyugiro: Wow OP, just wow. There are no words...
loleetah: For you.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411026700 | 1411035670 | t3_2gqrxy | t5_2to41 | 6 | ttifuthrowawayyyy: TIFU by trying to add a new friend on Facebook
Met a new friend from India. Typed in her name to add her on Facebook, hit return accidentally, and Facebook took me to a "publisher" page with the same name. Littered with Indian porn. Just as I clicked "report", my 4 year old walked up and peeked at the screen. I can only hope she did not understand what she saw. Ugh.
TL;DR: Turns out FB is full of Indian porn. 4 year old accidentally saw it. Hating life.
AstralHippies: If it was good porn then I need to have name of that publisher, pls op?
0xyidiot: for science i take it?
AstralHippies: "Science", yeah
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411031872 | 1411064660 | t3_2gqwl2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling 911
So let me start off by saying i'm a 19 year old guy, and as most of the other post's the FU did not happen today. I also gotta warn you, English is not my native language, so if you're one of those that can't stand bad language, you should probably continue scrolling. At the time of the FU I was 18. A weekend some month's ago I was home alone and had a friend staying over. We had been smoking most of the day and we were pretty fucked up. At some point (Probably around midnight) after we hit another bowl, we started playing Doom, since I had not played it after I bought it. This was not any Doom, this were the first one, Doom 1 if you want. Now, we had never played Doom or seen any gameplay whatsoever, so we had no idea what we we're getting into. After a while of playing it, and yelling at each other, I start freezing. Some minutes past and I suddently starts shaking. Okey, no big deal, everybody shakes when freezing. After some while my friend notices it and she asks if i'm having a heart attack or something. I laugh it off and play cool, although I were getting a little worried. After 10 minutes or so my shaking gets worse and I can't controll it no matter how much I try. I tell her I think somethink's wrong, and that she need to drive me to a doctor ASAP. After arguing a little I finally convince her this actually were serious. So we get in her car and start to drive. 2 mintues in the drive she stops. She says she can't drive this fucked up, and that we should call the emergency (911). So she drive back to my house and we call the emergency. On the phone my friend says " My friend is having a panic attack or something " while I in the background yelling "TELL THEM TO HURRY! I THINK IT'S A HEART ATTACK". At this point I am seriously freaking out more than i've ever done before. I'm still shaking uncontrolled and now start to feel some kind of tingling in my arm and it feels like something's squeezing my chest. Normally, I would never EVER freak out like this. But keep in mind we had been smoking all day and I don't know why, but apparently my head doesn't take it. So I take the phone out off her hand and start talking to the woman on the other end. "Hello? HELLO? Hey, I think i'm having a heart attack you need to send someone over to this address!" After some minutes the ambulance come and I jump in the back and we explain we were just playing a game on xbox when I suddently started shaking uncontrolled. Long story short we went to the hospital and they found out nothing were wrong with me. 6 ours later we left the hospital, just when the buses started running again. TL;DR Smoked weed and thought I had a heart attack, called our nations 911 and nothing were wrong with me.
Imtheguywhoknowsaguy: Same thing happened to me continued smoking but would have panic/anxiety attacks every time I smoked. Found out you can develop anxiety from if you smoke regularly for a long period of time. Best thing to do is cut down the amount you smoke.
blzy79: Another example of someone saying English isn't their first language and then proceeding to spell everything and use grammar correctly
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411032779 | 1411034329 | t3_2gqxf8 | t5_2to41 | 4 | hot_boy6: TIFU (kind of NSFW) by getting down with a girl
Alright, as lame as it may seem, I've never so regretted sleeping with a female companion. Lets start from the beginning. When I first met this girl I was immediately attracted to her. So I persuaded and sure enough succeeded on getting her phone number. After a little back and forth texting, nothing ever to racy, we meet down by the local lake, hook up (just kissing) and call it a night. So I'm thinking alright we are both just looking for a little fun, nothing to crazy, we hang out again and some extra bases are gained. She asks me "Are we just going to be hooking up?" Put me right on the spot. I immediately thought with my less smart head and said no way, I enjoy spending time with you. So tonight, she comes over pretty late and one thing leads to another she hasn't had sex in 5 years and she's only had it one other time... I feel like there is no going back now and I am really not looking for a commitment. I feel really bad because I think she thinks I'm going to be her prince charming and it really isn't the case.. I don't know how to get out of this without being to much of an ass...
I don't know how to say this in a way that makes me least ass like.. I really didn't have the intentions of just bagging and bouncing but I don't want to get caught up in a lustful relationship... I don't have that mental connection with her.
teamthw: I have been in this situation multiple times. Sometimes you get confused by lust and think it is an actual connection or you are just horny or whatever idgaf. Here is how i rationalize it, If you care about her enough not to want to hurt her then just end it next time you can and be gentle with her because in the end it's better to let someone down sooner than later . You will avoid her becoming more attached to you and inevitably hurting her more. So cut it off before she gets more emotionally invested. You are a still a dick but it's totally okay to be an asshole somtimes. In a way you are kind of being a good guy for not prolonging it. (thats how i look at it to make myself feel better)
doctorish: So you rationalise sleeping with them and leaving them as a good thing? Yes there is no point carrying on any kind of relationship if you don't have feelings, but when a person obviously doesn't separate sex and feeling it is wrong to take advantage of them.
teamthw: Sometimes you feel something for someone and and after you have sex with them it goes away, i am young and it happens. Idk what to tell you random person. I was just recalling times when it had happened to give appropriate advice. That is just life. If this offends you then simply stop letting it. Good day
| 4 | 1 | |
1411038254 | 1411071444 | t3_2gr2bm | t5_2to41 | 63 | Throwaway1234142: TIFU by accidentally showing the "Gallery of Retarded Penises" to my new, rather cute, flatmate.
I recently started university here in the UK, and obviously want to be as friendly as possible with my flatmates, sociable, talkative, interactive etc..
I thought a good way of doing this is to just always have my door open, so that's what I've done. Things have been going well and dandy until about an hour ago, when a really cute girl from downstairs stuck her head in my room and asked if I wanted any tea.. Little did I know that I'd clicked on that dodgy "Gallery of Weird Penises" from /r/wtf and a completely retarded looking penis was taking up the entire screen on my laptop. She looked at it with a weird, horrified expression on her face and then just kinda hurried back downstairs with me sitting there super awkwardly, not knowing what to say..
I don't know what to do, how in the fuck do you explain to a non-redditor that you randomly happened to click on a link and that you don't actually have a fetish for retarded looking dicks?
TL;DR: Cute girl came into my room, saw a massive, retarded looking cock on my laptop screen, ran away.
poopingdicknipples: Links or it didn't happen
Jezkk: http://imgur.com/a/w0HJP#0 NSFW
Nomaspapas: That was a risky click! WTF
direwolfed: NSFW is listed
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1411040506 | 1411089018 | t3_2gr4jl | t5_2to41 | 575 | Reizo123: TIFU by letting my wife borrow my USB [NSFW]
My first TIFU, think this is pretty worthy so here goes...
Ok, so it wasn't today, it was earlier this week. My wife's grandmother is turning 70, so my wife wanted to do something special. She decides she's going to buy a scrapbook, collect as many old photos as possible from various relatives and fill it up for her. She gets most of them sent to her via email. We don't own a printer, so my wife asks if she can borrow my USB to take the photos to the store and get them printed professionally. Wanting to be helpful, I hand it to her and head off to work. Mid-morning at work I receive a disturbing text.
My heart drops. Instant Flashback. A couple years earlier I was studying languages at university, and I spent some time abroad in the south of France. There was a big uproar at the time and the French were all on strike, so the university was closed for a good few weeks. Living miles away from my girlfriend at the time (now wife) and incredibly bored sitting around alone in my awful apartment, I did what any lonely guy would do in this situation. So, I went on my laptop for a little inspiration. Since the wifi there was pretty bad, on the rare occasions I managed to access the sites I was looking for, I saved a few pictures to my USB, for future reference. I had since completely forgotten about them.
I slowly begin to realise what has happened and as you can imagine, I now feel like all of my insides are forming an orderly queue ready to slide straight out of my anus. My wife has entered the store and plugged in my USB to a photo printing machine, expecting to find pictures of her lovely old grandmother. Instead, she is greeted with a series of pornographic images on the screen, visible for all to see.
After some angry texts, some awkward conversation and a few days later, I think it has finally all blown over (I hope...).
TL;DR Give my wife a USB filled with porn, she takes it to the store to get pictures printed.
Edit: To clarify, I'm not a complete idiot. Any NSFW stuff is in a passworded folder. However, this particular kiosk doesn't do folders, it just detects and displays all pictures on the drive. In date order and oldest first, apparently. And the pics were mainly just topless & nude chicks, nothing hardcore... Fortunately.
SkidMark_wahlberg: What I was most impressed by was that you made a USB stick last a few years.
Farun: I still have a 128 MB USB stick which is over 10 years old by now. What the hell are you guys doing with your USB sticks?!
jplayer01: You don't wanna know.
baconuser098: But....but i do!
Qwertification: In various peoples buttholes now.
[deleted]: There is likely a r/subreddit just for this by now.
FreakingSpy: There is a subreddit for *literally everything.*
PsychoticWhispers: Yup. Example: /r/turtleporn
| 9 | 63.888889 | |
1411041202 | 1411194224 | t3_2gr5ad | t5_2to41 | 35 | rumen13indahouse: TIFU by discussing my "black" playlist in front of a black person.
I got these new headphones that my friend wanted to try. We get in the bus. As I try to play him a song and he notices my "black" playlist (http://imgur.com/IKiuSvc). He commented about my choice of photo by jokingly saying:
"If a black gang sees you, you will be dead in less than 9.58 seconds". Than I proceed to show him my playlist and read a certain song out loud (http://imgur.com/VzpWlAx) I keep scrolling and than my friend taps me on the shoulder and points to the seat right in front of us which has it's back against us. (Side note: We are in a small German town and this is one of the 2 black people there) There is a black girl right in front of us. My whole body filled with cringe and I just stood there and waited for my stop. I actually typed with my friend that is right next to me the whole time.
To the black girl,
If you are actually reading this,I am sorry for sounding like a racist.
So that's how I fucked up today.
Edit: links added.
AtomsNamedJeff: Where did you get that picture? Is it an album cover, or did you pick it out as an exemplar of "blackness?"
Because if you chose it, you might secretly be an ~actual~ racist.
jdoyle92: How is that racist? Shes BLACK.
edit: an *actual* racist wouldn't listen to black inspired music would they?
rumen13indahouse: I don't know. Apparently a choice of a photo makes me hate black people somehow.
jdoyle92: I changed my hip hop photo on my G3 just because of you.. I thought it was fucking hilarious.
rumen13indahouse: The best thing is that nobody commented about the queen double flip-off. I was actually concerned that someone will be offended by this one.
ENDragoon: I'm more interested in what music is in there, looks like an interesting playlist.
rumen13indahouse: I can make a couple of pics if you want. Just tell me which one you meant.
ENDragoon: The one with the Queen.
rumen13indahouse: http://m.imgur.com/VPXVe88,z2FOLNt,En6u9QE,nwk8ycw,Azr6OBC,eeJrbCe,tKLOPti,4cGjBJO,CXjPgzK,f4wnqGl,fY8WsoG,yov4xTH,vinQADq
There you go
ENDragoon: Coupling this with a picture of the queen makes me chuckle, I salute you sir.
| 11 | 3.181818 | |
1411042553 | 1411130925 | t3_2gr6ss | t5_2to41 | 98 | Basjaa: TIFU by humming and getting maced!
Little background: I work in a city and live in the suburbs so I ride the bus for work so I don't have to pay the outrageous parking fees. The bus company owns a big parking lot that we all park our cars at so the bus only has to make one stop. I use a backpack to carry my lunch and other random things in because it is convenient.
So anyway, this wasn't today I guess, but last night was horrible. I got off work late so it was pretty dark outside. When I finally got to the parking lot with my car I got off with a few other people. I started humming lightly, but apparently my humming sounds like sexual moaning noises... While humming, I unzipped my backpack to get my car keys and all of a sudden I get maced!!!
I was walking behind a girl that was apparently paranoid. The only thing I can think of is she thought I was moaning sexually and unzipping my pants behind her? I don't know... but it was awful...
Kahnonymous: So I'm guessing it was pepper spray, not mace, as civilians aren't generally allowed to carry mace... Secondly, pretty sure her actions qualify as assault.
defeasiblefee: Battery, not assault.
Terragen: Are you confusing civil and criminal law? Civilly yes I think that would be the tort of battery but criminally I believe it is assault.
http://laws.justice.gc.ca/eng/acts/C-46/section-265.html
http://lawyeraheadca.wordpress.com/2009/05/25/understand-the-difference-between-an-assault-and-a-battery/
CoIdAffinity: That's Canadian law.
Terragen: Is that your tldr; for people who think the link itself is too long to read? Lol
Ps: we just call it 'the law'
| 6 | 16.333333 | |
1411045014 | 1411046367 | t3_2gr9l5 | t5_2to41 | 4 | ucallurselfapoet: [NSFW] TIFU by having sex with my crush.
So yesterday I took the girl I like to the zoo, we had a great time. After the zoo I took her to grab a bite to eat it was nice we enjoyed that as well. Then from there we bought a bottle of fireball and met up with some friends at the pool and drank.
We drank for a couple hours and decided to go back to my house before we got too buzzed to drive.
Once we arrived to my house we ate a little snack and got in bed to watch some movies on Netflix.
We started getting a little frisky and got a little heavy. We got into doggie style and then switched to reverse cow girl with her leaning back on me while i choked her. Well I don't know what happened but I managed to punch her cervix with my penis and she did not like it.
For a couple of hours following she didn't let me touch her.
By morning she was cuddling me again but now I can't help but to feel like she's lost interest in me...
tl;dr
tifu by punching my crushes cervix with my dick.
tydublies: If you dont punch her cervix with your dick, you've failed. Reverse *cow girl
ucallurselfapoet: Thank you I.missed that error. But idk she really wasn't happy about it.
tydublies: I'm sure you'll get a call back
| 4 | 1 | |
1411046238 | 1411049817 | t3_2grbig | t5_2to41 | 15 | itsmatrix: tifu BY TELLING A MORMON GIRL TO TAKE HER SWEATSHIRT OFF...
Every Week i look forward to having chemistry for 2 hours (most people hate it) i would hate it if only i didn't sit next to the most amazing girl (lets call her Lindsay). We usually have no problem talking and i think it could eventually turn into a relationship. However she is mormon which means she can't date until she is sixteen (btw we are both 15). Now both of us sit next to this other girl who is really funny and whenever we have a group assignment we all work together. Anyways yesterday Lindsay was feeling a little under the weather and obviously i tried to cheer her up. Then she started talking about how hot she was and how she had a fever. The girl we sit next to began to poke fun at her and i wanted to as well it ended up with me saying... "If you're so hot take of your jacket" this was the first mistake she then told me that she didn't have a shirt on under and i obviously i said.. "most definitely take it off" it then made the conversation really awkward which sucks. worse thing of all a lot of my guy friends start calling across the classroom "SAVAGE" I Felt so bad and we didn't get to resolve it because the bell rung right after. Today I Fucked Up by telling a mormon girl to take off her jacket.
eeyore102: You need to change the title to "TIFU by not understanding my caps lock key".
PMyoBEAVERandHOOTERS: tifu BY YELLING ON THE INTERNET FOR NO REASON
| 3 | 5 | |
1411050048 | 1411094713 | t3_2grhfx | t5_2to41 | 293 | [deleted]: TIFU While trying something new with my girlfriend. NSFW
This actually happened about 10 years ago when I was seeing a girl in my apartment complex.
One afternoon we were enjoying a quickie before her sister's bridal shower. Since it was a quickie we used some KY so she could enjoy it as well. She told me she wanted me to cum on her face since it would help with her complexion. (WTF?). I got close and moved up and started taking care of myself in front of her face and she opened her mouth like she wanted me to go there. I was getting real close and my hand was moving faster and faster.
Just as I was starting to shoot my hand slipped off and hit her in the mouth. She screamed and ran to the bathroom while I ran to get ice for her lip. She was hot but she didn't wear the busted lip with cum all over her face very well. Her lip swelled up and no make-up was going to cover it up.
It didn't help that she applied her lipstick to her entire lip instead of taking my advice to just put the lipstick on where a normal sized lip would be and put something on the swollen part to blend it in with the rest of her face. It also didn't help that she was crying the entire time she was getting ready and worried about how she would look. This knight in shining tin foil wasn't going to be able to fix this one.
This would have been bad enough by itself but this incident was memorialized in her sister's bridal shower pictures. There is one outstanding picture of the beautiful bride to be and her sister, my girlfriend, looking like Jack Dempsey in drag.
TL;DR Gave my GF a fat lip during a quickie before a family event.
TheLeviathan69: pics or it didn't happen.
CommunityChest11: ^
mix2001: ^
sploogeblaster: ^
MrTittiez: ^
Kjorn_: ^
[deleted]: ^
Nurbit: ^
TheStrangerJr: ^
xDoubleJ: ^
Givemeallyourcats: ^
ITiswhatITisforthis: ^
_Widows_Peak: ^
akalinxy: ^
MistrJosh: ^
edieoedie: ^
RmRxCm: ^
Reddithorn: ^
thee-l: ^
DelaneyBS: ^
TomR459: ^
| 22 | 13.318182 | |
1411051843 | 1411065665 | t3_2grkjy | t5_2to41 | 17 | Gittins73: TIFU by standing on a bouncers car when i was drunk
Like most TIFU, this didn't happened today but a few weeks ago.
This is my first ever post and could use some advice. So it's freshers at my university at the moment and this means everyone just gets hammered everyday for a week or so.
I don't even remember the incident that well which is the most annoying. Basically my friend pushed me onto a bonnet of a random car and decided to join me. The next thing I know we're both standing on it, while another friend takes a picture. All I see is this bouncer come sprinting up to us, we got caught and arrested and spent the night in jail. Easily the scariest and most stupid night of my life.
Anyway no charges were filed but we did have to pay for the damages. I thought I got off lucky and that it'll be a few hundred which I can pay without my parents knowing. However I get the email saying it's going to cost £1300 each for me and my friend to pay! Far more expensive than I thought and now I'm pretty sure I have to tell my parents. I do a demanding course at uni so don't think I can get a job this year. I've thought of everything from gambling to prostitution to get the money but I'm pretty sure I'd be crap at both. What would you do? Thanks for any replies!
dandiego85: Pay for it with your student loan money and get used to a diet of cheap noodles until you get back on your feet (just make sure there isn't a car bonnet under them).
Voyager5555: Using student loans for anything but school payments is some stupid shit, you realize you have to pay that back, with interest, right?
weoewopwe: Don't know where You're from, but where I'm from, student loans is the best loan you can get, regardless of purpose.
Last thing you pay off, ever, due to the low interest rates.
poopadoop12: Low interest rate? What does that even mean...
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1411049603 | 1411073964 | t3_2grgpu | t5_2to41 | 217 | CanadianFailstamp: TIFU by moving my air conditioner. (Lost $4,000+) :/
@#$(*#@$* happened this morning.
The band I joined up with has been doing really well this last summer. Well enough I have been able to support myself, still pay my bills and build my "dream" rig over the last few months off just gig money.
During my morning practice session today my girlfriend comes upstairs asking me to help take the air conditioner out since its getting colder out.
I keep my most prized possession(said rig) just near the window said AC is in. Without thinking I drop my guitar and get to work. as soon as I get the AC out and passing it to her near my gear it decides now is a good time to dump a gallon of water; completely soaking my amplifiers and pedalboard. Pop. bang. everything is dead except the tuner.
Biggest FU of my life. Have a show in 2 days and and now nothing to play out of. Six months worth of saving and my reward just blew up in my face. GF left for the day because she knows the raging shitstorm that will be today.
Going to see if i can find a rental rig so I can put off explaining to my mates about my absolute stupidity for at least a bit of time.
Fuck water. Fuck Air conditioners and most importantly myself for not being more careful.
**EDIT / UPDATE: HOLY SHIT! THANK YOU REDDIT!!! <3**
I took /u/OTTMAR_MERGENTHALER 's advice and have saved everything but a Moog pedal!! I literally can't believe it, after a long blow drying session everything else is firing up and acting normally.
For those curious about the rig:
* 96' Eden WT800 A
* Markbass R500
* Akai Deep impact synth
* Earthquaker Devices Dispatch Master reverb
* Walrus Audio Deep Six compressor
* Tech 21 VT Deluxe
* Zeibek Yellow Submarine preamp
* Zvex Wooly Mammoth
* Moog moogerfooger MF-101 LPF
Still sucks about the Moog but I am so relieved considering what was at stake. You guys are the freaking best!!!
**TLDR; gave my guitar rig a bath, reddit saves the day.**
jonb622: Thought it was common knowledge that you're supposed to tilt the ac out the window and drain any remaining water before lugging it around your house. That sucks man.
shinydragonite: I mean, now that somebody told us that it's common knowledge. There's water in there?
lkasdlkjasdfkjlsadfk: When air is cooled the water vapor it contains condenses. In the atmosphere this causes rain. This also occurs inside an AC -- they typically have a drain. Pour any collected water out of the drain before moving.
NickW1234: Yeah, often the drain pans don't drain _completely_ though, even if it is installed with a drain line, tilted outward, etc. That stuff will keep it from flooding, but there's still often a bit that can drip out when you move it. Best to just make sure there's nothing around that will get wrecked from a little spillage.
Tramm: A bit. But definitely not enough to douse a whole system like that and ruin it.
| 6 | 36.166667 | |
1411053331 | 1411067321 | t3_2grn9m | t5_2to41 | 27 | sexualchocobo: TIFU by smacking a classmate in her boobs
Alright guys I'm typically a lurker but i figured this was probably appropriate to post. About an hour ago i was sitting in my ecology and evolution class next to this pretty cute sorority girl at my school. About halfway through the class i notice her notebook about to slide off her desk (the desks in college lecture halls are pretty tiny) as her books are about to slide off I throw my arm out to try to catch them but instead of doing it smoothly I swing my arm miss the book completely and smack her right in the boobs, she looked at me pretty shocked and the professor saw it as well (i sit in the front row) all i did was apologize, turn bright red and sat in embarrassment for the remainder of the class humiliated. At least I won't have that class again until next Tuesday.
throwawayghia: Many a great romance has started this way. Keep us updated.
katelledee: Can confirm, ended up dating a guy that accidentally smacked my boobs at a party.
Silverlight42: yess... accidentally... that's my opening move!
katelledee: Haha well I don't know how well faking an accident works for you, but when it happened to me it was definitely an accident.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1411053812 | 1411058056 | t3_2gro35 | t5_2to41 | 11 | ShamedOfMasturbating: TIFU by using a toilet paper tube and sliced bologna to masturbate in my friends kitchen.
mwood86: Nice copy/paste...dumbass.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2esl4h/tifu_by_masturbating_at_my_friends_house_with_a/
ShamedOfMasturbating: But I posted the first time as well. So what?
seaofdoubts_: Of course you did.
SoShamed: It really is me. Just used a different name this time. But it's me.
telijah: ...but... why?
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1411054574 | 1411063659 | t3_2grpjs | t5_2to41 | 3 | Meaty_Shaft: TIFU by peeing while drunk
This fuck up happened three days ago, and I'm only just now realizing how badly I messed up.
A little background info: I am a freshman in college, and I'm staying in a dorm this year. Our room shares a bathroom with another room. So there's four of us using one bathroom. Well Monday was my birthday, so the guys and I celebrated by getting completely shit faced of course. My friend had a few too many, and started getting sick. He was in the bathroom puking his guts up when I realized I *really* had to pee.
So, as my friend vomits into the porcelain throne, I sidestep him and walk into the shower. I triumphantly drop my pants and promptly piss everywhere. I imagine my drunken self thought he was peeing straight into the drain. I then "flushed" by pouring water all over the shower.
Fast forward to three days later when our bathroom reeks of stale urine. If you've never smelled old pee, consider yourself lucky. It is a truly nauseating scent. I have washed the shower out several times and Lysoled the ever living crap out of it, but nothing helps. My roommates are, understandably, annoyed with me.
[deleted]: Here is what my wife and I do with our six year old
* Make a paste with baking soda and fresh lemon juice
* Cover up the offending spots with the paste
* Let it sit for 15 minutes
* Spray it with white vinegar
* Wipe it down with a moist towel
Meaty_Shaft: But I can't target where it is. It's like the entire shower and bathroom now.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411053191 | 1411088340 | t3_2grn0w | t5_2to41 | 213 | imhooks: TIFU By farting in the elevator
I was at work last Friday morning and around 10 or so I get this terrible feeling in my stomach. It was obvious I was about to blow, and it wasn't going to be pretty. I immediately place blame on the mexican food I had the night before(I know, racist). So I make a mad dash for the elevator on the way to my "breakroom" on the first floor. I chose the first floor as it is sparsely populated and the bathroom is typically empty.
My perception of space and time began to distort. I believe this perception is present in people going through high-stress events. I pressed the down button in the elevator lobby, and it seemed like it took forever for the damn "lift" to reach my floor(5 story building with 2 elevators). I contemplated leaving my ass-juice in the lobby but decided I would make a deposit in the elevator when it gets here, as I will hopefully be alone.
The elevator opens eventually, and I see no one, so I rejoice. I step into the elevator after what seemed to be 10 minutes of waiting in the office lobby. Im on the second floor bound for the first floor to deliver the goods. I decided now is the time to release what I hope is just gas pressure. I let 'er rip and the most god awful smell came out of my ass. It was silent but very deadly. Deadly really is an understatement in this case. It smelled like a Mexican had crawled into my ass and died.
So I reach the 1st floor and all I can keep saying in my mind is "Oh please don't let someone be waiting for the elevator in the main lobby." The building isn't big so it is usually quiet, especially on fridays. Well just as the elevator says "floor 1" the bell chimes and the doors open. As far as I can tell I am in the clear. That is until the three people who were waiting in front of the other elevator step in as I am leaving. I work with these people(1 guy, and 2 girls), and they see me getting off. On a normal day I would have said hi, or something to that effect. Today I didn't. I just nodded my head, and took off. I was still making a beeline for the facilities.
When I turn the corner out of the lobby toward the vacant bathroom, all I can hear is "OH MY GAWD, *cough* WHAT IN THE HELL?!?!?!". Needless to say, it was a rough ride to the second floor for those three.
I didn't see or speak to them the rest of the day. I was hoping the weekend would be enough time for them to forget it. On the following Monday the receptionist said "thanks" and just laughed. I acted like I didn't know what she was talking about.
vanlego: You asserted dominance.
Lefty1979: Ass-erted. Haha. See what he did there!
i_go_to_uri: isnt that how you spell it? lol
Raven_Morde: [Whoosh.]
(http://i.imgur.com/fB19z.gif)
| 5 | 42.6 | |
1411054861 | 1411056536 | t3_2grq2r | t5_2to41 | 12 | therealbighairy: Tifu by collapsing the political system.
This is a short one, but hopefully some of you will get a laugh out of it.
My country is in the midst of a referendum, to decide whether we should declare independence from the evil empire that controls us. So, like a responsible member of society, I went to cast my vote. The booths that they had, were set up in a line, and I chose the one at the end, furthest from the door. there was a little shelf to lean on, to make your "x" in the appropriate box, if you know what I mean, giggity. So I lean on the little shelf...and the legs on the right hand side collapse. the booth shifts, sideways, because gravity is a cruel mistress, and hits the next booth. which hits the next booth. all six booths end up crashing to the floor. I looked around, shocked. everyone was staring. I dropped my vote in the box, and legged it. I wanted to help reset, but the stares...their eyes drove me from the place.
tldr; the weight of my political convictions broke the system.
angel_of_afterlife: Damn Scot, you're gonna ruin Scotland
therealbighairy: be quiet, Willie.
| 3 | 4 | |
1411055034 | 1411077892 | t3_2grqdp | t5_2to41 | 3 | Bluerinho: TIFU by posting the wrong link.
A few days ago, i made these memes, whilst i was on a plane. Just as i uploaded them on imgur, i came across another link, of nude photos of Olivia Black from pawn stars, so i sent the link to my brother first and then decided to upload it on r/funny. I fucked up. I pasted the link i sent to my brother on a post named "i was on a plane, found a safety manual and i made this." The comments were hilarious, but it was indeed a fuck up.
This was the link i posted: http://m.imgur.com/a/i8m3k
This was the link i wanted to post: I was on a plane. Got bored. Found a safety manual. So i made this. - http://imgur.com/a/eLdBI
baconsingh: Wait, is that an Air India flight?
Bluerinho: Indigo.
baconsingh: Ah, alright. I knew I recognized that comic dude from somewhere
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411054676 | 1411055843 | t3_2grppw | t5_2to41 | 7 | LiterallyCanEven: TIFU by not buying a new plunger
A little over a month ago my roommates and I moved into a new apartment. In the process of moving we realized that our plunger was basically falling apart so we ditched it and failed to buy a new one. Fast forward to this morning when I was getting ready before going to class (I'm a college student if you didn't gather that already). I slept in a little bit and was running a late so I take my morning shit which was especially potent considering I had a burger for dinner last night with extra jalapenos, pepper jack, chipotle mayo, and spicy BBQ sauce, not the greatest combo if you value your butthole in the morning. So i finish my shit, flush and go to jump in the shower almost immediately. I get done showering and when getting out of the shower i notice that the nice turd a layed not more than 5 minutes ago failed to go down the toilet and proceed to overflow all over the bathroom floor, rug, and even leaked to the hallway carpet under the door.
Now I'm in a predicament I have to get out of the shower somehow so i put a towel on the ground so i don't get shit water all over my feet and use that as a mini bridge to get out of the bathroom. My plan didn't work very well and I left some shit water footprints running to my room to grab some more towels. I clean up the spillage fairly well but then to proceed to go work on the toilet where I realize that we failed to replace the plunger we threw away when we moved.
So currently our apartment has the distinct smell of jalapeno laced shit, the bathroom rug is ruined, shit water stained carpet in our hallway, and the toilet is still clogged with my morning deuce and I have nothing to unclog it with and on top of that I missed my morning class where we had a quiz that was worth 5% of our final grade.
TL;DR Took an extra spicy morning shit, showered, realized I clogged and overflowed toilet, got shit stained carpet and a turd scented apartment while losing 5% on a grade
Yourmothersmoist: Sounds like a crappy day.
Sorry to hear about your shitty predicament.
LiterallyCanEven: Thanks for your concerns but I'm really down in the dumps right now.
Yourmothersmoist: Don't let the stress of the situation over flow. I hear it can leave quite a stain on your mood.
Also get a plunger.
Of the above focus on number 2 first.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411055840 | 1411057456 | t3_2grrwt | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being overly manly
Coming back from the gym and stopping to get food, I had done a solid upper body workout and got a new max on my bench. This confidence as well as my pump lead me to start hitting on the cute girl at Subworks who was making my sandwich. Now I normally have hotsauce on all my food regardless, for metabolism reasons and I enjoy the extra bit of heat. In an attempt to impress her, I ask for the "under the counter" hotsauce I know this location has (http://imgur.com/kWsYD3E), and tell her to be generous with it. As I'm paying and getting my sandwich (to go), I ask for her number and she takes the time to go in the back and get her phone so I like my odds. As I come home, exciting to dig into this sandwich, I sit down and start eating this thing. Sweet Mary, mother of the Christian faith, this sauce made my mouth feel like I'd stepped dick-first on LEGO! But I was incredibly hungry and wasn't gonna let myself pussy out, so I knew the only way to eat this sandwich was to not stop and let the heat set in. Finally, after completing the task this footlong atrocity was, I run to the freezer and deepthroat some ice cubes for the next couple hours, chugging cold Iced Tea in between. By the time I'm getting ready for bed I feel a small bit of heat in my stomach, which I chalk up as normal. Fast forward to the morning, as I'm heading to school I notice the pain in my stomach is much stronger (not in a "I need to go" way, more sharp and hot.) In class I'm gritting my teeth through the pain and holding back gargantuan farts. Finally I break (when the sweating began I knew it was time) and ask to go to the bathroom to exorcise this demon. As I'm sitting on the toilet bracing myself for explosive diarrhea, I'm pleasantly surprised that it comes out normally, more solid than usual, but nothing out of the ordinary. This relief lasted for a nanosecond, as this log was literally a Cleveland Steamer, and I swear I might've heard Satan laughing at me while my eyes popped out of my head. On top of this, the pain in my stomach was getting excruciating, and wiping was brutal. So here I am in class posting this with my asshole clenched like I'm trying to hold a $100 bill with it while texting my mother (who's a doctor) and having her tell me I may have an ulcer.
TL;DR- Tried to hit on a girl and be really heterosexual; end up with potential ulcer and a San Francisco butthole
cuntflapper1: Nah...it wasn't the hot sauce. your asshole was just trying to blow out all your boyfriends cum.
Webbby: HAHAH, this made me laugh more the. OP
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411055962 | 1411057105 | t3_2grs4t | t5_2to41 | 2 | CJM8515: TIFU By Running my Mouth at Work (Several Times!)
So like everyone else, this story takes place previously. At my current job I wouldnt say Im unhappy but Im not exactly thrilled to go into work these days.
I work for a towing company, mostly doing work for AAA. My boss is not exactly a mean person but he isnt all to nice either. It seems once he decides to pick on you, you might as well give up. Before he did this to other people and I didnt care b/c it wasnt me. Now Im royally screwed. For the past 2 months he has done nothing but criticize, make fun of and bother me. Some of it is of course well grounded, but the majority is not. The schedule he keeps giving me thank god affords me very little time when he and I would see eachother. Alot of it has to do with the fact Im not careful with what I say to people and thats my fault. Im naive I guess.
First time boss tasks me with finding out when another co-worker will be available. The kid is summer help and we decided to keep him, but he is going back to commuting to school. IDK why Im stuck figuring it out, but thats what boss asked me to do. The kid wont tell me, he just keeps making excuses and I tell boss-who refuses to deal with him. Days later kid asks me what happens if he doesnt tell us his availability-I go IDK, kinda tough to schedule you if we dunno when you can be here, so you might not get hours. Kid winds up quitting and using me as a scapegoat cause I wouldnt leave him alone about schedule. OK fine, I tell boss I did what you wanted he wouldnt give a straight answer wtf do you want. Ok boss lets it go.
So the next fuck up is I was talking to a coworker about 2 months ago, here we are complaining to eachother about life, the boss, the job, etc. Like anyone who has a job does, we complain. Little do I know this jerk recorded me saying all kinds of stuff. Thing was, the boss kept talking about firing this guy. I like this guy as a coworker so I figured Id give him a heads up and try to help him out-he has a family and stuff to support. Instead it backfired and he played the recording to my boss, who of course wanted to kill me. He told me what he said to me was in confidence about this guy and so forth and so on, yadda, yadda. This also blows over.
Third fuck up is there is another co-worker who I despise and he hates me as well. The kid is a thieving scumbag (proven but yet he wont fire him cause no one wants to work his late shift). The other day I see this kid and he asks me what times/hours Im working. Then says he is sorry how he acted in the past and so forth and so on. This jackass also recorded me saying some rather choice things..interestingly enough apparently what he said doesnt matter. The boss confronted me and basically yelled at me and called me a horrible person. To make matters worse this kid does all sorts of things like a moron kid would. He actually peed on the side of my personal vehicle (who else would do it? I didnt see it but cmon you can smell that stuff!) He peed in bottles and threw them in the bed of my personal vehicle, he steals things out of my work truck-Ive seen him several times with my tools and I have no recourse-I didnt engrave them with my info (I take everything home now), he even went so far as yesterday to draw a cariciture of myself with my head in a guillotine and left it in the truck I normally use. It can be no one else, Im the only one who wears a hat and has facial hair. I know the boss didnt do it, so it has to be said kid.
wtf is wrong with people? Recording people to get them in trouble? Everyone complains about thier boss and thier job, every job I ever had was like that. Its just that MOST people would keep their mouth shut, these guys are worse than 2nd graders.
Me, Im just gonna sit there and keep my mouth shut. Maybe Ill get fired and collect, maybe Ill stay, maybe Ill just move on. IDK right now. I wish I could get back at the last kid, but it would just make me look bad if someone found out I did anything.
Ugh..sorry to vent so much.
Jay_j88: sounds like you're getting bullied at work. not a fuck up
CJM8515: Maybe your right. Im not a very confrontational person at work. I of course need a job so I try not to make waves.
In either case I dont have much recourse-no proof they did anything besides a photo on my phone of that awful caricature.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411057727 | 1411088975 | t3_2grvem | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by allowing my older brother to use my laptop (NSFW)
Me and my brother have laptops, very nice ones, but my brother's crashed and broke for some reason, mostly involving his Minecraft playing. I ,however, have treated my laptop very well. My brother, without his laptop, has been asking to borrow mine to skype his minecraft buddies. I said sure. Of course, he disapproved of me getting rid of chrome to use Opera after he left some raunchy bookmarks it and having problems accessing a nessescary website for school. Anyways, yesterday, I went to look for Poniverse, so that I could go on a forums. As I typed in the letters "P" and "O" a few link results popped up, from xhamster, Xvideos, and Pornhub. I talked to him about it, and he admitted to me that he had also hidden a porn stash elsewhere on my computer! If my grandma had seen my history, I would have gotten in trouble (I'm smart though, I use private browsing) for his porn. And he probably has more stashed on the reinstalled Chrome.
tl;dr: I lent a laptop, and got a faptop.
A6289W922: This story is fucking lame.
"Someone else used my laptop to look at porn and there were no consequences."
Wow. Gripping.
Edit: OP is brony. And 12 years old.
RainbowDashisbeast2: I'm actually much older and in high school. I am a brony, but I'm a normal person just watching a show and not being a cunt about how other people like a show I don't. I don't make fun of people watching Breaking Bad.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1411058388 | 1411065727 | t3_2grwol | t5_2to41 | 45 | Pancreatic_Pirate: TIFU by slandering someone on Facebook
As per usual, this happened a few years back, but I wanted to share it in the hopes that it helps someone else. Before I start, let me make one thing clear. Never, under any circumstance, should you post about anyone (other than yourself) on social media. Obviously, celebrities are the exception, but definitely not people you interact with on a daily basis. This should be common knowledge to the majority of you, but just in case there are some who have yet to grasp this concept, just don’t do it.
I was working at a restaurant a few years back. One Friday morning, prior to opening, I went in and noticed my manager was in street clothes. This was when I learned that all of our chefs had walked out the night before. They had been asked to produce specific documentation, and they had responded with walking out, stealing a crap ton of our stuff, and pouring out signature sauces so we couldn’t make them. They withheld the recipes, too. Members of our corporate office were there, and they were pretty much doing nothing else but talking shit about the chefs.
Upon hearing this, and upon my manager informing me that he wasn’t sure if I still had a job, I did the only thing that a suddenly unemployed person would do. I got drunk. Some friends picked me up and I proceeded to drink excessively. Well, not alcohol poisoning excessively, but you get the drift.
Later that night, I decided to get on Facebook. I see a post from a former coworker who claims that INS was called on the restaurant and that the chefs were victims of a cruel person. Being 10 feet tall and bulletproof, I decided it was my purpose in life to correct her misconception. I told her how INS was NOT called. I went on to explain what was told to me, and somewhere in the middle, I said that our Head Chef and Executive Chef (we’ll call him Charles) were illegal.
There’s something I didn’t know. Charles was friends with this ex-coworker. He could see everything.
He started commenting, denying everything that I had said and calling me every name in the book. It turns out that the corporate people were just venting and there was no truth to what they were saying about the chefs. I was 100% in the wrong.
I immediately started to apologize, explaining that members of corporate had told me lies, but the damage had already been done. Wanting to back track, I deleted everything that I had posted on ex-coworkers facebook page and set my profile to private. However, after a few seconds of deliberation, I deactivated my facebook page, thought a few more seconds on it, deleted my FB page (yes, you can do that), turned off my laptop, turned off the wireless, and hid in the bathroom until my husband came home.
Fast forward: the restaurant eventually reopened and Executive Chef quit the company.
I showed up for my first shift after a month long hiatus, but before I can clock in, I am pulled aside by management.
* Manager: Hey, pancreatic_pirate, this isn’t easy but we have to let you go.
* Me: What? Why?
* Manager: I got a call from corporate about something involving you, Executive Chef and facebook.
* *Oh shit! Keep calm. Fuck. What do I say? What do I say? Wait! I deleted my facebook!*
* Me: I think he’s mistaking me for someone else. I don’t have a facebook.
* Manager (pause): Oh. Really?
* Me: Yeah. I had one for a little bit but I never used it, so I deleted it a few months ago.
* Manager: Huh. Hold on a second.
* *She pulls out her phone and starts talking to someone from HR. I stand there fidgeting, fearing for the safety of my job.
Finally she hangs up.*
* Manager: I’m sorry, pancreatic. I wasn’t aware they didn’t have any evidence. They’re going to put you back in the system. Just give it about an hour.
* *I went into the bathroom and almost started to fucking cry. Never, ever post about anyone other than yourself on social media!*
**TL;DR: Restaurant’s chefs walked out. I accused (Former) Executive Chef of being an undocumented immigrant on Facebook. He saw it and complained to the corporate office, almost getting me fired. By that time, I had deleted my facebook, and thus, he had no proof. I will never, ever post about someone other than myself on Facebook again.**
edit: formatting.
xxStitchxx: How is this a fuck up. You were debating what you thought was truth. That's taking a stand, not a fuck up.
Pancreatic_Pirate: I called someone out (by name) as being an undocumented immigrant when they're not, on social media. That's considered slander.
xxStitchxx: Slander is a legal term and simply calling someone out does not constitute slander.
citan_uzuki: You're right -- it's not slander; it's libel. But it definitely *is* a legal issue in this case. The definition of libel reads "a published false statement that is damaging to a person's reputation; a written defamation."
It was definitely this. It was published on FB and damaging to that cook's reputation. The cook could've sued you for defamation with evidence.
Ya' got lucky, OP. =)
Pancreatic_Pirate: That's right. I forgot that libel is published and slander is spoken. Thank you for the clarification.
OpportunisticBastard: Also don't forget that for a case of libel or slander to stick, the party has to prove they had a true loss based upon that act. Just saying it is not enough, you have to hurt the wallet!
Source: Internet Lawyer
| 7 | 6.428571 | |
1411058024 | 1411160862 | t3_2grvyz | t5_2to41 | 21 | tyronejerome: TIFU by being unprepared.
Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
So, I decided to visit my SO in her homeland. We have been dating for over 2 years.
Her mother is very old fashioned, and is a very judgemental person, sex after marriage etc. And does not have the best oppinion of me, since she found out we already did "the sex" and does not like I am from a different country.
Anyway, the purpose of my voyage to this land was to improve her oppinion of me and to see where my SO grew up, and learn more about her past.
First few days are going great, me and the mom socialize and get along quite well. My gf and i then go on a small vacation spot for a couple of days. During our voyage, "the sex" happens, and we decided to take a naughty pic to remember it :)
We get back, and the mother asks us about our voyage. My SO goes to have a shower and i show her the 300 pics I took with my cam, having completely forgotten about THE pic.
I show her pictures of statues, animals and other lovely things. As I am quickly scrolling through the pictures, time suddenly slows down. If you have seen xmen days of the future past, in the scene where the boy runs around the room at hyper speed, knocking down the guards, misredirecting the bullets, and saving his companions lives in a blink of an eye. Well thats what it was like. I felt my heart pumping a massive burst of blood into my system at an incredible rate, andrenaline rushed to my body like never before. I felt the speed of a cheetah engulfing me as I noticed the picture gliding by the the corner of my eye. As quickly as it had appeared, it had passed by. I told her thats it and gave her an innocent smile.
I then sat down, my body shaking as if the apocalypse was upon me, as if I had just won a gold medal in the olympics. I was having a panic attack and couldnt breathe. 2 hours later as I'm writing this, my body is still in shock. She hasnt spoken to me since, but is acting completely normal. Her silence is making me feel as if I was buried into the ground and bambo roots were penetrating my body, slowly tearing and killing me.
I told my SO, and i have never seen her more angry and infuriated. I am scared to death, as there may be 2 male hunting females in the house, out on the hunt for my blood.
reddit please help me!
Tl;dr took naughty pic with my SO, am in danger for my life.
P.s. pardon my gramatical errors, english is my 3rd language and im writing this from the bathroom on my phone.
andrewa415: Lol your third language? ?? What the hell is your native tongue? You speak spectacularly well considering.
tyronejerome: My native language is german, second french, third english
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: You're pretty good at English
The_Reaper95: Do I know you from somewhere?
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: Don't know.
Don't care much.
The_Reaper95: Fair enough, and sorry it was a guy called PM_ME_YOUR_GUTS_. Similar, it was stupid troll who tried to use Autism as an insult. My mistake.
| 7 | 3 | |
1411059906 | 1411109457 | t3_2grzgh | t5_2to41 | 91 | ThrowAwayITGuy0: TIFU by telling my law firm to “Lock yo shit” because I trusted you, Reddit!!
I’m the network admin for a very professional law firm. Once a month, we have a staff meeting where we video conference with our branch offices and talk shop. We discuss policies, talk about where the firm is headed, and offer advice on working efficiently. I do a quick How To portion that usually involves things like Word formatting tips, or what to avoid when browsing the interwebs.
The past few weeks I’ve been busier than usual with new software roll-outs, an influx of new hires, and a bunch of other things, so I turned to Reddit for my monthly tips so I didn’t have to do the work. I found [this thread] (http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2g7wvh/what_is_a_keyboard_shortcut_that_everyone_must/ckghqxe) graciously provided by /u/rugtoad which has a ton of great shortcut keys for all kinds of keyboard navigation. I copied and pasted this post into Word and quickly edited it. I removed credits to users and profanity. Well, sort of…
You see, in my haste, I missed #14 under the General heading that instructs users to use WIN + L to “Lock yo shit”. Everyone had a print out of this list. As I began my portion of the meeting, a low murmur began to ripple through the staff followed by laugher and then someone asked me to look at #14. Camouflaged between how to access the Task Manager and how to minimize everything was how to “Lock yo shit”. Naturally, one of the firm’s two owners, who sits in on these meetings as well, had himself a look-see, too. Luckily, everyone here is really cool and they laughed it off as I apologized but my face was already red. Thank you Reddit for making my job both easier and more difficult at the same time. I hit you because I love you.
TLDR: Presented some Reddit provided How Tos to my office staff and forgot to edit out the profanity.
ny2miami: I too work for top law firm and - if that would have happened here you wouldn't have been so lucky. Glad it worked out!
lll_1_lll: Why do businesses have to be like that?
When it's an honest mistake that harmed no one, everyone should pull the sticks out of their asses.
ThrowAwayITGuy0: After this happened, the office manager forwarded it to everyone in the firm who wasn't at the staff meeting. This included all the attorneys and partners. They all got a good laugh (I hope). She said it was too funny not to share. I work at a really cool firm.
UKDude20: Nice thing about being IT in a large law firm is that youre a professional, so you get some level of respect from the partners, but you're not a lawyer, so you can catch up on the mailroom gossip
| 5 | 18.2 | |
1411058370 | 1411097153 | t3_2grwn4 | t5_2to41 | 79 | goodthingihavepants: TIFU by dropping a chocolate chip
Technically yesterday, but still...
So I have one of those big, Costco bags of Chipits chocolate chips and every once in a while, since I rarely bake, I will feel gluttonous enough to pop em open and grab a handful of the things and eat em one-by-one.
So as I feasted, I was walking about my kitchen. I headed toward the balcony, as it was quite nice outside.
--------
At this point is important I tell you that I own a 3-year-old dwarf rabbit; cutest little thing. He resides at the far end of my kitchen and will always be polite and remain in his area (which includes roughly 50sqft of kitchen and the whole 225sqft balcony).
---------
As I headed toward the balcony I was in my rabbit's little *territory* and slipped on a bit of shavings (that are used to line his cage, but he kicks some around onto the floor all the time), nearly falling, but instead keeping quite good balance, yet dropping one of my chocolate chips.
I am a firm-believer in the five-second rule, so I quickly reached down and snatched it, blew on it, and ate it, looking around to make sure none of my family witnessed me eating a ground-chocolate-chip.
Only this wasn't a chocolate chip.
I managed to pick up one of my rabbits similarly-colored, similarly-shaped, and similarly-firm-due-to-time-exposed-to-air shits and take a big bite into it.
Upon realizing what I did I bolted to the east edge of the balcony (which faces forest, don't worry) and yaked off the deck, afterwards using the hose to rinse my mouth out.
It was pretty soon after that my rabbit strolled on over to me at my feet with what I could only view as a look of mockery.
TL;DR That little shit.
EDIT: fixed some tense
escott1981: Well I heard that rabbits eat their own poo, so maybe he was just saying welcome to the club! BTW, you need to post a pic of him! :)
goodthingihavepants: [Here's *Oreo*, the culprit](https://i.imgur.com/WKlQDVp.jpg)
cmunk13: GOODNESS GWACIOUS WOOK AT HIS TINY BOOTS
goodthingihavepants: He's got four of 'em!
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1411060803 | 1411169517 | t3_2gs18z | t5_2to41 | 1,944 | BobPinciotti: TIFU by Masturbating in the Uni bathroom.
This is a rough one. I'm still not sure how I'm going to come back from this one, but I figure if anyone can get anything good out of my pain it's you folks.
So I'm a fairly excessive masturbater. I'm a once or twice a day chicken choker. And ever since I moved into my university residence I haven't been able to choke because I have a roommate that never leaves the room.
So I get the brilliant idea to take my headphones and go masturbate in the bathroom. That way I could blow my load and just wipe it up instead of the stroke and pinch method.
So I sit atop my throne. Get my pants around my ankles, porn up my phone, and go at it. Now... I'm going for a marathon session. I'm talking build myself up and let myself down about 10 times.. And finally I had a spectacular orgasm. Wiped it up and went into the hall.
Something was wrong.
Most of the guys and girls on my floor turned and looked at me. At this point I was terrified. This was when one of the football bro's goes "Hey Fapjacks your sound was on."
I pretty much ran away after that. I realised that the headphones I used were broken. They produced sound through the headphones and the phone speaker so I didn't notice. Holy fuck.
TLDR: My entire dorm heard me beating it out in a 30 minute fap sesh. Everyone calls me Fapjacks now
Vandelay_Latex_Sales: Let me give you some advice, Fapjacks. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.
VoicesDontStop: -Tyrion Lanister
doodoo_train: -Michael Scott
KyoTe44: , an Airbender.
TheCoom: You have to say Guru Laghima first, what is this, amateur hour?
KyoTe44: -Guru Laghima
Demonta: an Airbender
The_rusty_sausage: Fap, crackle, and jack
shitass70: -Gandhi
Cyridius: -Ghandi
shitass70: ? Isn't it spelled "Gandhi" ?
Cyridius: Yup. I was spouting a meme.
glottal__stop: Gandhi spell bot is dead :(
| 14 | 138.857143 | |
1411061964 | 1411063942 | t3_2gs3gj | t5_2to41 | 28 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by leaving my blinds open.
So this happened 5 minutes ago, and I'm still recovering from my mild heart attack.
I live in a two-story home beside a bungalow inhabited by a sweet old 90 year old man. My room faces his roof, and I often leave my blinds open because I get a lot of great, natural light.
So today is no exception -- I have my blinds open as I walk into my room fresh out of the shower (with a towel wrapped around me). I take off my towel, bend over and start drying my hair with it, and as I twist my hair into the towel to rest on my head, I turn around and lock eyes with my neighbour's middle-aged son on his roof!
There's me, hands on top of my head, butt naked as the man's face reveals shame and embarrassment while he turns around quickly, slips and falls on the roof. Luckily this isn't a movie and he didn't roll down the shingles and land on the ground, but he could be hurt, I don't even know.
I yelled: "WHAT THE FUCK!!" and ran out of my room. . . I'm waiting to calm down before I go back in.
TL;DR: Came out of the shower in a towel, man was on my neighbour's roof, saw me naked.
twcsata: On the positive side, your TIFU was actually today. On the negative side, your first reaction was to write a TIFU (as opposed to, say, getting dressed, or checking on the guy). Lol.
Nuke-The-Whales: Yeah, not exactly the classiest of moves on my part.
HOWEVER, I diiiid go throw on some clothes and look out my window. He's fine, he's talking to his Dad . . . Hopefully about eavesdrops.
twcsata: Nice :)
| 4 | 7 | |
1411060895 | 1411077508 | t3_2gs1et | t5_2to41 | 444 | rere_reynolds: TIFU by hanging up on a sweet old lady :'(
Background: I work for a paratransit company that helps people who cannot take regular public transport(mostly due to disabilities) get around a major city. I am a reservation agent.
Today I took a call from a woman in her 90s with a sweet British accent. I helped her reserve her trip and at the end of the call I wished her a good day and went to hang up. At the last few seconds before I hang up I hear her say "Today is my birthday" in an adorable, british, old lady accent. But it was too late. My hand acted of it's own accord and finished hanging up the phone. My heart broke into a thousand pieces thinking about her sitting there listening to a dead line on her birthday ;_; I fucked up.
Edited to add:
You all inspired me to call her back. I'm working the late shift tonight so after everyone leaves I'll call her back and leave her a voicemail :) Shouldn't be a problem if I call from the work phones. I know it will go to voicemail because her trip was going to a restaurant...probably for a birthday dinner FML
Duff_McLaunchpad: We should try to do something really cool for her. Figure out how to get a hold of her and anyone who can, send out some flowers or some nice notes or whatever anyone can do. Some act of kindness like that could really make a huge difference for a sweet old lady on her birthday. OP can you give or get any sort of details for us? Don't have to get yourself in trouble or anything, just a few breadcrumbs that could lead us to stoking this lady out for the hell of it.
If this is one of those typical not today, but 4 years ago deals, and this sweet lady took this to her grave then this just went from kinda sad to extremely.
rere_reynolds: This happened today, maybe a few hours before I posted. I would love to do something for her but we are very strict with people's personal information. I wrote down her name so the next time I talk to her I'd remember to say Happy Birthday, and I asked the driver to say it to her as well.
It can be tough working here and not being able to really do anything besides being super nice on the phone. Although for a lot of our clients just being spoken to like a real human being can make their day.
Duff_McLaunchpad: Understandable and very nice. Maybe I'll just try to help someone locally or something. Either way you've at least inspired some positive thought with your story.
Relle-Brightblade: Yea, it definitely put me in a mood to try and bring positivity into people's lives today. Thanks for your "TIFU" post, OP!
rere_reynolds: Hey at least something good came of it! One of the best things you can do for someone disabled or elderly is just listen to them with patience and understanding.
| 6 | 74 | |
1411055608 | 1411064518 | t3_2grrha | t5_2to41 | 83 | Pretz_: TIFU by not inspecting my cat's ass.
My dad rescued my cat when he was just a kitten. It was -40C outside in the middle of winter, blowing snow, when this little orange ball of fuzz appeared on his boot. Long story made short, years go by, I move out, cat moves with me.
Cat's getting a bit older; his stomach isn't what it used to be. Every once in a while, he gets these poos that are simultaneously solid and liquid, mixed with blood, and smell unspeakably nasty. I've read this is fairly common in some older cats, so I'm not too worried about it, but it happens with enough frequency that I need to check him when he goes and wipe him if he's having a bad day - Otherwise he'll take a bit along with him and potentially get it on stuff.
Lately he's been pretty good, though; it's been months since he's had a really bad one. It's been nice. He doesn't like getting wiped, and I don't like to wipe him, so the anal-yses have dwindled of late and I've allowed him to use the litter box more-or-less unperturbed.
But there was my gravest mistake. My vigilance waned. The terrorists were building a nuclear weapon right under my nose, and I just allowed it to happen.
Today, my cat used the box and I did not inspect him. Instead, I sat quietly on the other side of my apartment, going about my business until the faint underpinnings of a most familiar and terrible smell tickled my nose. I wasn't initially concerned; it happens sometimes, and even if I miss it, it isn't usually more than just a small nuisance. But not today. No, today, as I lifted my sitting cat off the kitchen table, innocent with mild curiosity, I discovered in a sinking pit of abject despair that he might as well have just had a 40 minute sewage shower; his ass-fur was laden in mesophasic cat-dump from toe to tail, and he had only just completed a condo-wide s(h)itting tour of every single piece of furniture I possess.
My floor; shat on. My new couch, which I only got last week; shat on. My coffee table; shat on. My area rug. My kitchen table. Everything on my kitchen table.
Every document - My bills, my new cellphone contract, an instruction manual that belongs to the condo board, not me...
I had to use my beard trimmer to get it off of him, because nothing else worked. I can never shave again.
He's locked in my bathroom right now so I don't throw him off the balcony.
Sitting quietly in a dim light after picking up the pieces of this ecological disaster, I only then realized there was one thing he managed to miss; just one small piece of paper which escaped untainted from that festering rampage of feline demon-water --- About a week ago I was issued a bogus $50 parking ticket because an unmarked, unpainted cement patio stone randomly placed on the grass in the middle of two signs that say "*Yes it's totally legal to park here!*" is apparently considered by some parking experts to be a crosswalk. So hey, that's great, AT LEAST I CAN STILL SEND THE PEOPLE WHO RECENTLY SCREWED ME A TOTALLY CLEAN PIECE OF PAPER.
**TL;DR** - Everything I love got cat-mess on it.
TheDoctorfl: That's shitty.
Rokiolo25: smooth
TheDoctorfl: :D
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1411064904 | 1411102252 | t3_2gs90e | t5_2to41 | 175 | ConsiderablyMediocre: TIFU by trying to scare my friend's sister.
Gather around dear redditors, and allow me the pleasure of telling you the story of my insipid actions that placed me up on the ranks with some of the most revolting humans ever to curse this planet with their filth.
It was the end of another long, tiring day at school. My friend Joe (not his actual name) and I had just left the last period of the day, and were heading home.
No more than mere minutes into our quest home, a car pulled up next to us. This was a car I recognized very well, as it was that of Joe's mother. The front window rolled down, and said mother leaned out the window, beckoning Joe over.
I pondered over with him, and stood around while she and Joe discussed various family matters.
After what must have been about three minutes of these two bickering, I was starting to get impatient. I needed something to pass the time, as I wasn't getting the vibes that I would be going anywhere soon.
At this point, I should point out that the back windows on this car were completely blacked out. Not just somewhat blacked out, but entirely blacked out.
Upon closer inspection of these windows, I made out a dull silhouette on the other side. It could have been none other than Joe's sister!
Immediately, an ingenious idea began to form in my mind. It was simple, yet so brilliant. I pulled the single most hideous face I could, drew in a deep breath, and slammed my face into the window, roaring the most petrifying roar that I was capable of.
My roar was not met with the cry of shock I was expecting from Joe's sister. Instead, it was met with a bloodcurdling cry of horror and fear, ringing through the neighborhood. Joe's mother shot me the single harshest death glare I had ever been given, furiously rolled up the window and immediately shot off, screams still echoing from the back of the car as she drove further and further down the road.
Onlookers were staring as I looked at Joe in confusion. He too gave me one of the most sickening of stares I had ever been endued, storming off as he ignored me calling his name.
What had I done? Why had his sister reacted in such a terrible way?
A few hours later, Joe finally returned my numerous missed calls. He explained to me that it was in fact not his sister that I had scared, but it was a young child that his mother was babysitting.
Not so bad, right? Wrong.
You see, Joe's mother was not just *any* babysitter.
Joe's mother babysat for children with severe Downs Syndrome.
TheFascinated: Mildly amusing, turned horribly saddening. :/ that's a rather unfortunate mix up, hopefully you become a little more mature from the experience.
SassafrasSprite: I wouldn't. It was a mistake. Doesn't mean I would let one bad experience turn me into a wrinkly, smelly adult.
TheFascinated: You needn't be a wrinkly smelly adult to not attempt to scare small children in the back of your friend's mom's car. You can be more mature than that and still have fun without being too much of an adult. It's a balance ;o
SassafrasSprite: I was under the impression that his sister would be a teenager. That's fair game. Anything less is definitely mean though!
TheFascinated: Oh yeah, for sure. Like 7th grade or so onward, just being goofy, that's cool, if that's your thing. Really an unfortunate mix up, in either case. They seemed to overreact a bit, I suppose she probably assumed he knew who it was.
| 6 | 29.166667 | |
1411066002 | 1411069458 | t3_2gsb3e | t5_2to41 | 4 | Crazedmonkey05: TIFU by wearing loose fitting and light colored jeans to clean a friends house, during my shark week.
So I normally never leave the house in light colored pants when I have shark week. But I only had one pair of pants to wear, so I put them on without thinking about the fact that they were a bit too big for me. I get to said friends house to do some of the cleaning he asked me to do, and everything is going fine.
Out of nowhere he says "Well that looks good for today, I gotta go get some stuff. Would you want to come back monday to finish everything up?" I said that was good, took my pay and left to go home.
When I get home the first thing I notice is my butt feels a bit wet. "oh shit" Sure enough I pull of my pants and see a giant and fresh period stain on my jeans.. Of which he would have had full view even if I was standing normally. I am so fucking embarrassed.
The friend in question is 70, and I am 21 so I think he may have not told me thinking I would assume he was staring at my bum.
Pants in question: http://imgur.com/QzayvZN
[deleted]: Women are gross
Crazedmonkey05: Tell me about it. It sucks being a woman.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411066877 | 1411195282 | t3_2gscsd | t5_2to41 | 35 | mario_meowingham: TIFU by accidentally bleaching my asshole
I was at my aunt and uncle's house for a Christmas party last year, and decided to go have a nice poop. Once I had finished, i wiped twice and then reached for the bottle of sanitary wipes. I wiped twice with those, but noticed that it kinda stung a little bit. No matter. One more dry wipe and I was out of there. However, the burning sensation around my asshole was intensifying.
As I was washing my hands i looked over at the bottle of wipes, which had been partially turned away from me while i was on the toilet. At that point my asshole was really on fire, and then i put 2 and 2 together. They were not sanitary wipes. They were sanitizing wipes. Like, generic-brand Clorox wipes. I had wiped my ass with bleach. It was so painful by this point that I had started to cry. I left the bathroom with tears in my eyes and had to go sit on the front lawn for 20 minutes to let it pass.
burger1018: You wiped your butt with *sanitary wipes????* Why didn't you just stick with good, old toilet paper?
mario_meowingham: Charmin sanitary wipes (or any other brand) allow a four-wipe shit. Two dry, one wet, one dry. And your butthole feels ever so fresh.
burger1018: I always needed my butthole to feel fresh.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1411067427 | 1411070570 | t3_2gsduz | t5_2to41 | 12 | EdwardRoivas: TIFU by giving my brother-in-law a hard time about a gift his dad gave him
So I was over at my sister's house for a family party for my nephew. I notice my brother in law has a fancier "magic Bullet" type device on his kitchen counter. https://www.buythebullet.com/
Years ago I picked one of these up for him from a bed bath and beyond type store because I thought it was right up his alley. It wasnt expensive, it wasnt super thoughtful, just something dumb and fun. Anyways a few months later my sister was just like "do you want this thing? We never us it?" I said sure and it has remain un-used in my attic ever since.
When I saw the device on the counter I had to bust his balls and started giving him a hard time about how I gave him basically the same thing some 8 years ago and I got it back, and now they have one, and just kept going. Turns out it was a gift, from his father, who was the only other person in the room with us at the time. I tried to save face and "say well yeah I get it the one I got you was like 15 bucks (not true) but this one looks really fancy and has a bunch of features." I felt like an asshole.
WWLadyDeadpool: [NSFW] This is what I thought you were talking about until the last paragraph.
http://www.amazon.com/Function-Magic-Bullet-Waterproof-Vibrator/sim/B002IIFDJA/2
aquias27: Bed, bath, and beyond sells some kinky stuff.
Teotwawki69: Especially in the "Beyond" section.
| 4 | 3 | |
1411096792 | 1411136878 | t3_2gsedk | t5_2to41 | 25 | cmunk13: If you know that how are you a virgin? Unless you don't count oral sex as sex?
i_pk_pjers_i: A lot of people don't count oral sex as sex. I've gotten BJs and HJs and yet I still consider myself a virgin. That's interesting that you wouldn't consider me a virgin despite having never entered a vagina with my penis (I have with other things though).
cmunk13: Considering you can get stds, and you have had "oral SEX" yes I consider it sex. Sex to me isn't penis in vagina because then lesbians and gay guys will always be virgins. It's a sexual act that involves body fluids and a sexual atmosphere.
Also, from a legal standpoint you are not a virgin since you have participated with something with sex in the name "oral sex", have had hand to penis contact- any contact with a sexual organ is a loss of virginity. If you had had this underage with an over the age of consent man he would be a child molester, and could go to jail because you performed sexual acts.
But the main reason I consider it sex is because you can catch an STD. While you can catch an STD from non sexual acts, and cannot get pregnant from an oral or handjob, you did in fact do something with a sexual organ that had a risk to it and legally would HAVE to be considered sex.
i_pk_pjers_i: You bring up a lot of very good points, I never really thought of it that way.
cmunk13: I thought very heavily on this as a kid eager to have sex but not eager to be labelled a whore
| 5 | 5 | |
1411067805 | 1411069354 | t3_2gsekd | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being catfished by my wife on an online dating site.
I married my wife in the beginning of this year knowing *full well* that I hadn't been faithful or honest with her from the beginning of our relationship, and never could be even after getting married. After a few times getting caught lying about not talking to and trying to hit-up my exes and random girls that I cheated on her with, she finally got fed up and kicked me out of the house. I spent the next few days blowing up everything begging her to take me back. I even told her that I would get rid of my phone and lose everything if she would just find a way to give me another chance. After a few days of her cooling off and not seeing me, she finally let me come over to talk to her. I told her that I was different now and that I really learned from all of my past mistakes and that I couldn't live without her in my life. The thing is, while I was telling her all that stuff trying to trick her into taking me back again, I was still hitting up those same girls *and* I also decided to sign up for this dating site. Actually, I **paid** for a membership for this site. Majority of the women on there are looking for a quick hookup with a young not-so-smart dude so it's pretty perfect for me. Anyway, somehow she found out about me doing this and then quietly signed up and disguised herself as another woman. And **that** woman, turns out to be someone THAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH!!
PLOT TWIST: I'm so ignorant, that I don't even know yet that this woman that I've been sending stuff to is actually my wife. And it's actually my wife, that is typing all this out for me, to save me the time and hassle with doing it myself.
ashdoubless: Okay. So you are the wife...?
FUCKING RIGHT ON.
Men can be so stupid. You should play this out for a while...I would definitely set up a "date" & bust him.
Loyal women deserve so much more.
Mobiasstriptease: Loyal ~~women~~ *people* deserve so much more.
ashdoubless: My bad, this statement is totally true.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411067193 | 1411109906 | t3_2gsden | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving the dude a bath
About a month ago, my girlfriend gives me a call along the lines of "I know you are allergic to cats, but my friend found one on the side of the road and need someone to watch after it for a few days until they can find it a home." I was like fine, cool, whatever. They bring the cat over and this cat is pretty damn cool. They tell us they took it to ARL and had it checked out; no bugs, clean bill of health, about 5 month old boy cat. We watch it for a few days and the cat is cool as hell. Laid back as a motherfucker and chill as all get out. We call up my girlfriend's friends and they haven't found a home for it yet. I grab the phone and tell them "we'll keep it." Went to petsmart that night and bought a collar and tag and engraved the tag with the most appropriate name for the cat: Jeffery "The Dude" Lebowski.
Montage: things are going great. My girlfriend and I share the responsibilities of the cat. Play with the cat. Bathe the cat. Snuggle the cat. Find out The Dude is a girl (another story for another time). Life was peachy.
Last night, my girlfriend heads to work for an overnight shift and I decide to give The Dude a bath. Normally it takes both of us: she holds the cat down while I wash the cat. I thought I would be nice and do it by myself.
Side note: we plan on getting the cat declawed in a week and a half. This is important for later.
I fill the tub then turn off the water (running water freaks her out). I then grab her by her scruff and hold her still while I start washing her. She starts flailing. She latches onto my arm with her claws. I've never seen cat claws so deep in anything ever before. I literally grabbed The Dude's paw and slid the claws out of my flesh. I put her back in the tub and start shampooing her. She latches on again, even deeper this time. I'm not even delicate at this point and I rip the claws out of my arm and dunk her in the tub and start rinsing her off. Once rinsed, she squirmed against and deeply scratched my same arm that she already attacked twice. I let her go and try to find a towel. I go to the closet to get one then come out of the closet (heh) to find my soaking wet cat rubbing itself all over my bed! I literally tackle the cat with the towel and dry her vigorously. I then tend to my wounds which have puffed up to the point of looking like I got bit by those mosquitos from Jumanji. It's now the following day and my arm aches like hell.
Tldr; Got a pussy wet and nearly lost an arm.
kooKommander: whyre you washing your cat?
[deleted]: Because I have pretty bad allergies and I do everything I can do to be with my cat. We use a hypoallergenic shampoo on her, I vacuum the apartment once a week, I change my bed sheets once a week, and I brush her twice a week. It really helps.
kooKommander: oh ok, that makes sense. keep an eye on the scratches, my dad got a really bad infection from a deep cat scratch once
[deleted]: The scratches are doing fine right now. I guess infection is harder to get from a cat being bathed.
kooKommander: probably, i think it was from litterbox shit between the cats nails
[deleted]: Possibly but swelling is gone now so I think I got lucky.
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1411067358 | 1411096824 | t3_2gsdq5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | mausterio: TIFU by ruining my brand new phone
Yesterday I got my new LG G3 and just started my 2 year contract again. My prior phone broke after I dropped it, foolishly without using a case so I decided that I was going to put a decently thick black case on this phone to make sure this doesn't happen again.
So I was on my desktop browsing Reddit while enjoying a large glass of Sundrop and then I got up to do the laundry and make myself some lunch. When I returned I noticed a large pool of water sitting in one area of my desk, upon further investigation I realized that my large glass of soda was sitting on my phone screen and had filled the entire front of the screen with water using the edge of the case a wall.
So here I am now stuck in another contract for 24 months now using my iPhone 3, again.
Mamablueeyes: did you pay with a credit card? Amex visa and MasterCard will reimburse you if you break your phone in the first 30 days!
mausterio: TIL. Thank you, will call mastercard in the morning
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411068583 | 1411071643 | t3_2gsg3d | t5_2to41 | 10 | TumbleDwarf: TIFU by putting a dildo on the christmas tree
So this wasn't really today, but I remember it well enough.
One day shortly after christmas while the tree was still up, I had a friend over while my mother was outside smoking. We were playing around and after a while I realised that my dog had been away for quite some time. We called for him and looked for him for a few minutes, and finally he came out of my mothers bedroom holding something long and purple. At first I didn't realise what it was, but then my friend said something along the lines of ''You know what that is, don't ya?''
Wanting to seem innocent, I did the only sensible thing I could think of, which was hanging the dildo on the tree. My friend left shortly after while laughing his ass off and I never brought this up with my mother.
tl;dr: Christmas tree dildo decoration
RandomG1rl: That is not a fuck up. That is an epic win. Did your mom ever say anything?
TumbleDwarf: She didn't find it at first, so shortly after she busted into my room saying that my dog destroyed a pair of expensive shoes. I know for sure I did not hang any expensive shoes on that tree.
TheFascinated: No wonder women like shoes so much.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411067927 | 1411418967 | t3_2gsert | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by hospitalizing a girl who was into me.
So I started a new job recently and met a pretty cute coworker who I thought had a thing for me for awhile now.
Flash forward to today and I go to McDonalds for my lunchbreak. I order myself a strawberry milkshake, junior chicken and apple pie and the cashier says "that's for to go right?"
Being socially awkward and not wanting to be confrontational I say "y-yea." I get my food and go sit outside to eat. Now about halfway through my meal I notice that a pair of wasps are attracted to my strawberry milkshake. Not wanting to shoo them away and get stung, I simply move aside a bit when I see one of the wasps enter the drink through my straw and think to myself, "Well, its their milkshake now."
With the milkshake having been about done anyway I wasn't missing anything and was finishing up my junior chicken when my coworker, lets call her Lisa, sneaks up behind me and says "Mind if I take a sip?"
Sitting there I had a mouth full of burger that stopped me from protest, coupled with my social awkwardness because she wasn't a bad looking girl, I couldn't do anything to help Lisa as she took her aforementioned sip.
Now I don't know if you've ever had McDonald milkshakes but these shakes are pretty thick. She slurped up the shake with a wasp inside and gave me a curious look that was a mix between sexy and "what the hell is in my mouth?"
Then I watched her swallow nervously in silence when she began to cough. I didn't know what to do and knew I couldn't say something stupid like "hey that milkshake had a wasp in it." So I just watched her cough and almost fall over when she finally spit out part of the wasp.
She shrieked and lost her shit. I by now had finished my sandwich and was expected to be back at work within 10 minutes and figured I had nothing else to do here so I got up and left while she ran around crying hysterically and swearing like a sailor outside of the McDonalds.
Back at work I noticed she didn't comeback for awhile now and asked another coworker if he knew where she was. He told me he didn't know and then my manager came up to me and said,
"Michael_Lane can you stay late tonight?"
"Umm... sure why?"
"Lisa had an accident, she texted me saying she accidentally swallowed a bee and is at the hospital."
"Why is she at the hospital?"
"She's deathly allergic."
"Oh..."
"So you can stay and cover for her?"
"Yeah."
"Alright, thanks."
And now I am at home wondering what will happen if I see her tomorrow.
tl;dr a wasp delivered the most electrifying move in sports entertainment to the throat of a cute coworker and hospitalized her.
[deleted]: Holy shit you are a PUSSY. Let this be a lesson to you on your passivity. Someone may have died because you're a fucking eunuch. You should have reacted, done something. I hope someone smacks the taste out of your mouth so the lesson sticks.
Michael_Lane: Not much I could have done. She snuck up and took as sip as I was eating and then was going crazy and causing a scene. I'd love to have helped but I'm not a hero, and none of this concerned me at the time.
Plus, I didn't know she was deathly allergic until after, so it wasn't like I was being negligent on purpose and letting it almost kill her.
[deleted]: *Sitting there I had a mouth full of burger that stopped me from protest, coupled with my social awkwardness because she wasn't a bad looking girl, I couldn't do anything to help Lisa as she took her aforementioned sip.*
^CLICK^click That was the sound of the B.S. button being pushed. You clearly observed her as she was preparing to drink the milkshake. Plus, there was the whole *"Mind if I take a sip?"* thing. Sounds like you added that she was being sneaky in order to cover manage impressions. Didn't work, fail.
Michael_Lane: I guess you wanted me to talk through the food in my mouth?
Or maybe knock the drink away with my foot and seem like a crazy asshole?
[deleted]: You do realize that you seem quite a bit like a 'crazy asshole' for doing nothing, right?
Michael_Lane: Like I said earlier, choices as it happened, were scarce and didn't cross my mind.
Afterwards in regards to comforting her? Not my problem.
shobeurself: Next time someone gets stung by a bee, you should at the very least stick around to make sure they are alright and not allergic. Regardless of whether you are involved or not. I think you should listen to what the other people are saying, what you did by not sticking around after she was stung is not chill at all. I hope you learn to be a better person from this...
Michael_Lane: Twas a wasp, not a bee.
Secondly, she showed up to work today with a swollen neckbrace and had trouble speaking.
Thirdly, .... I regret nothing. Had the situations been reversed, I wouldn't be mad about someone not staying around to help me out after I fucked up.
shobeurself: I think that is very inconsiderate, you are literally the worst person.
| 10 | 1.2 | |
1411068522 | 1411119389 | t3_2gsfyz | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU: I am really, really stupid sometimes.
[This post may contain references or terminology that you may find offensive - I don't intend it that way. I'm just being honest, but I am not out to hurt anybody.]
Dear Reddit,
Today I Fucked Up.
Here I sit, a rational, intelligent, educated, 148 IQ gentleman - and I've just done probably the stupidest thing I can possibly do in my situation.
I haven't had sex in years, mostly because I have deeply held religious and personal and spiritual beliefs about sex and whom I should have it with, and the potential outcomes of that sex.
Years ago, about 7 to be precise, I met a girl on OkCupid... half-asian, real stunner. Slutty as hell.
We had some wild sex and I never saw her again.... but we kept in touch. About once a year, we'd text for a while and I'd see how she was doing. And yeah, it was mostly because I really *really* liked how amazingly tight [and enthusiastic] she was and wanted round 2...
When we had sex that time, I freaked out, as I always do, about the possibility of having a kid - I was 22, single, broke as fuck, she was 18 and just started college, wasn't on BC..... and I didn't wear a hat.
I freaked out and she went and got Plan B and then obviously, everything was fine.
[Insert stupid person slander here]
Well, the other day I get a random text message from her. We start talking - it's been about 2 years at this point since I've heard from her.
She starts telling me about how she's in this awful relationship and living situation and this other guy she wants to date instead wants her to dom him. She's not into BDSM at all, but has switchy tendencies. [I am a Dom. Insert slander here about 'twue' doms not having emotions and only being stoic Übermensch. You might want to save some for a little later in the post, though].
Craftily, I offer a demonstration and some advice. Obviously as a ruse because I wanted to fuck her. Duh.
She agrees.
Comes down to visit me, starts telling me she's pissed off that guys won't just be direct if they want sex. So I was. She's like, "Ok. Cool."
[Enthusiastic consensual sex ensues.]
Then I realize.... I fucked up. Again. With the same girl. Who is psychopathic sometimes and annoying as hell - I'd forgotten about all that, because in my 3+ years of self-imposed celibacy, and in her 7 year absence, she's been idealized. Duh, we all idealize people we haven't seen in years but still want to fuck.
I didn't fucking wear a hat because I don't have any, because I've been a fucking monk for years because I feel very strongly that I shouldn't fuck someone unless I love them. I feel awful afterward. Like I do right now.
I gave in after the amazing blowjob. My rational mind turned right the fuck off, the reptilian brain took right over. That's it's job, after all.... propagation, right?
So there I sat, realizing after I started plowing her like the most enthusiastic farmer in the universe, enjoying how tight and amazing it was, that the enjoyment stopped and I pulled out [luckily] before I ejaculated.
I attempted to calm my nerves with more serotonin and dopamine. The further sexyfuntimes were awesome, but only helped temporarily.
[no more penetration though. I'm not *that* stupid]
But I didn't really enjoy it because that background process was still buzzing - *"you fucked up. you dumbass. you don't love her, you don't even really like her. You just wanted to fuck because you value your morals but were sick of being lonely. Which makes you a hypocrite. Oh, and did I mention, self, that you might end up a victim of the family court system and broke as fuck, right as your career has started picking up, as a result of all this? way to go, fuckhead!"*
Turns out she's on BC, but 'takes it when she remembers'. Not comforting. I suggest Plan B, because I oppose abortion - she keeps telling me not to worry, that she won't come after me because she doesn't want a kid, and if she gets pregnant she says [so unemotionally it sounded sociopathic and frankly killed what was left of my erection and fired a serious shot off the bow to the already crumbling walls of my sanity] "it's just a fucking fish with its organs on the outside anyway. I don't feel anything about killing it if I have to, so you have nothing to worry about".
Of course.... that just made me feel worse.
She refuses under any circumstances to take Plan B, tells me I have nothing to worry about, but then says I have no right to any say in the decision anyway - completely contrary positions for someone who supposedly cares - and here I sit, having a fucking panic attack, ready to barf all over myself and hide in my walk-in closet, because I just. seriously. fucked. up.
My friend who I called says I should be happy I got laid - maybe I'm too rational to be happy about that. Maybe my very christian upbringing and very gnostic/hermetic spiritual position is influencing me here, but the way it looks to me, what's vomit-inducing is, I have no choice in what happens. It's completely up to the Red Queen Theory now. I fell to the Gambler's Fallacy. If she's not pregnant, I fucked up, but got lucky. If she is, she'll kill it, and then I feel like a co-party to murder.
And if she doesn't, my life is pretty much ruined.
And the only thing that would for-sure put a nail in the heart of that big ol' D-100 that's being rolled right now, she *refuses to do*.
Oh, and did I mention I work from a home office... and fucked her during work hours... and accidentally left my deck blinds open and the sliding door was ajar because it's been hot...
Comfort or camaraderie is appreciated, but I'm already well aware that I fucked up.
Because Today I Fucked Up Big Time.
FarFarAwayToday: > Here I sit, a rational, intelligent, educated, 148 IQ gentleman
This is where I stopped reading
tifuanon234: You don't think smart people fuck up, too?
[deleted]: Sure. You, however, are not one of them. Smart people glove up.
tifuanon234: Thanks, asshole. I had a momentary blink in good judgement. I feel pretty awful already.
[deleted]: Well, technically two blinks actually, but who's counting?
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1411068376 | 1411069416 | t3_2gsfpm | t5_2to41 | 28 | HollandGW215: TIFU: By having sex with the patio door open.
This was a few weekends ago, but I thought Id share now. First off, I am a screamer. Especially when this guy I have been seeing fucks me, because...he fucks me good.
Anyways, we were staying in this hotel room and we lucked out and had this huge room to ourselves. Our room was on the second floor and had a balcony. The balcony is DIRECTLY over the hotel pool. Now this is a very family friendly hotel, so lots of kids and parents are at the pool.
So the story begins as we are drinking and eating outside on the balcony overlooking the beach and the pool below. Tons of people. After eating, we sneak back inside to have a bit fun. We start having VERY kinky sex. I am yelling out "fuck me. fuck me harder!" and he is calling me every dirty, nasty name that there is in the book. And we fucked for at least a good 30 mins. After the deed was done, we look up and notice that the fucking door was open the whole time. They didn't see anything, because people could obviously hear everything. Needless to say, we never went on that deck again for the whole time we stayed there.
tikibowtiki: Ummm.. Way to make an auditorial impression! (You've certainly made a visual impression on us!). I'd love to hear how the parents explained that shit to their kids.. :)
"No kids, he's not hurting her... They're just playing Batman in their room... She's been a bad Harley Quinn and the Batman is trying to get her to tell him where the Joker is.. ."
_josepi_: ...writes this down for parenting advice.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1411069358 | 1411083124 | t3_2gsho1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | b0nghiTz: TIFU by accusing my girlfriend of having an STD
So this didnt actually happen today, just kindof ended today..
So a week or so back I started to have a burning sensation when peeing, as well as a sort of "itch" on the inside of my johnson.
I waited about 2 days before talking to my girlfriend about it. Mistake #1.
I then proceeded to accuse her in not so exact words, of giving me some sort of STI/STD. Mistake #2.
Right here, I pretty much ruined the best thing thats ever happened to me. I was so concerned and freaking out about myself (never had an std/sti or anything of that sort) that I didnt realize how much I had hurt her and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
We fight about this for the past week, off and on. Yesterday was the last straw for her and I guess she ended things.
Today she texted me and told me to suck her dick she got tested and doesnt have shit.
I'm getting ready to head to the clinic now, so I can get treated... for my UTI.
FML reddit, I'm just a serial FU'er.
imnotalwaysok: Yeah kinda of jerky of you. You should talk to her now that you found out what it was, if she don't wanna hear it she didn't want to really be with you anyway..
b0nghiTz: The worst part is that she told me that that was probably all it was. I was just too busy freaking out about it to listen or pay any attention to the way I was treating her about it. I don't know how to fix it.
Propyl_People_Ether: Work on becoming a better person and you'll do better in your next relationship.
| 4 | 2 | |
1411069547 | 1411071794 | t3_2gsi0g | t5_2to41 | 30 | Ben-Dover_Hear: TIFU by convincing my whole class that I was abused as a child.
So this happened about 30 minutes ago.
A little back story, I am an international student from the Middle East attending university in the States. So being Arab, any punishment as a kid involved a shoe, belt, or slipper (flip flips); and I used to piss off my mother quite a lot when I was younger, in which she would finds the nearest object to her, which was usually a slipper and throw it at me. So anyways, I'm taking this international management class and today we were learning about the Middle Eastern cultures and behavior, which then the professor proceeded to talk about how the sole of the feet or shoes are considered rude especially when you are crossing your legs and they are pointing at someone and talked about the Iraqi journalist that threw his shoes at Bush in 2008.
So, me being stoned out of my mind in that class, decided that it was a good opportunity to enlighten my fellow classmates about popular forms of Middle Eastern punishment while trying to be funny. I proceed to tell them about how slippers and shoes were little Arab kids' nemesis whenever they fucked up and then I said "yeah unfortunately I used to be on the receiving end of many of these slippers that left quite a few bruises haha"
So after 20 seconds which felt like eternity nobody laughed, it was just dead silence, while everyone was kind of just looking down. After class my friend comes up to me and tells me how I just told everyone that I was abused as a child.
p.s. sorry for the grammar, still trying to get it right.
WWLadyDeadpool: That sounds like it's a pretty accurate assessment of the situation.
Not trashing your parents or anything, they can only use the tools they have, but bruising kids isn't ok.
Ben-Dover_Hear: Thing is, it never did bruise. I was just trying to be funny,which backfired pretty quickly.
SirSlicer_: Where I live, there's a high Arab population. And one of the biggest jokes we had for some reason was about slippers being thrown.
Arab mom's didn't have ordinary slippers thoigh, they'd be like heat-seeking boomerangs. You could say something and your mom would sense it and throw her slipper, hit you in the back of the head, then come back to her.
As lame as they were, everyone enjoyed thrown slippers.
WWLadyDeadpool: I see. It's like Italian mothers and wooden spoons.
SirSlicer_: Pretty much, yea. Ordinary objects having supernatural powers because you're a mom.
| 6 | 5 | |
1411068688 | 1411073577 | t3_2gsgb2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping an opened condom in the middle of a high school
So in my first period my friend thought it would be funny to say "Use condom sense" and randomly hand me a condom that his mother gave him because he is a growing boy that is getting new feelings.
I share lockers, so after class I got the great idea of unwrapping the condom and putting the outside wrapper inside to fuck with my other friend. Class was starting so I just slid the rubber opened up condom in my back pocket (I was wearing my one pair of uniform pants that only had one single pocket) while also putting my phone there too.
As I was walking to my second class I pulled the phone out of my pocket and to my surprise the condom came with it and fell on the floor. In front of like 15 people. I stood there awkwardly as the unrolled lubricated condom sat there. I quickly walked away and prayed nobody in my classes saw the condom.
words_words_words_: HA at least it wasn't *used*. I had a friend in high school that actually did drop a real used condom. He had been dating this girl at school for a while and they were getting pretty serious, but no one knew for sure how serious. They would hang out and do things, but I mean, if you like someone, why wouldn't you? Anyway, both their families are super conservative and I guess throwing away a used condom at home was a no-no to him, so he brought that sucker to school to throw it away there. Well, long story short, I see him coming into school and he pulls his phone out to derp around..but the condom came with it. The only problem was, he didn't realize it had come out. So next period, I go up to him and tell him and he freaked out and immediately asked me to help him. Being the kind soul that I am, I of course asked if there was anything he needed. He replied,"I need about tree fiddy." Well it was about that time that I realized my "friend" was actually a 500 ft crustacean from the paleolithic era! I said "Damn it ya goddamn loch ness monster, I aint giving you no tree fiddy!"
TheOceanic815: Gave me more lolz than everything I've read here today. My hat's off to you, sir.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411070539 | 1411101178 | t3_2gsjwb | t5_2to41 | 11 | laksjd22: TIFU in my girlfriend's apt
So, this actually happened about 5 years ago when I was in college. And this is my ex girlfriend I'm talking about but I tell it from the perspective of it just happening.
It all started with a little bit of alcohol. I was a pretty heavy drinker but I had gone through a dry spell. I was visiting my girlfriend in her apartment at a separate college and we both really enjoyed drinking and it may have been one of the only things we had in common throughout our relationship. So, we're drinking and everything's fine. It's getting pretty late and I'm sitting here thinking, "I've had a good bit to drink tonight. I'm going to last A WHILE..." Next thing I know I wake up at the foot of her bed mid-vomit. I look around to see her, surprisingly, sleeping normally. I grab my phone to shed some light on the damage and it's even worse than I expected. Vomit was everywhere. All over the covers, on me, her, and even in her hair. I put my phone down and get up to wash myself off really fast when all of the sudden, as I stand up, something falls out of my underwear. I think, "That's really odd. What is that?" I look down to find shit that has fallen out of my underwear onto the floor, which was carpet. I start to panic a little bit because vomiting is fairly normal but shitting myself wasn't something I did on the norm. I rush to the bathroom, close the door, and turn on the light. I have shit ALL OVER MY LEGS. It is everywhere. I, still being drunk, decide to fill up the bathtub instead of take a shower. I don't know where that bright idea came from. Never the less, I cleaned myself off.
Now for the hard part. I have to wake her up. I can't leave her there...
I start shaking her saying, "Hey, hey, wake up. We've been vomiting in our sleep and you've got it in your hair." She says, "WHAT?! I DIDN'T EVEN DRINK MUCH!" I respond, "I know, I didn't either. Go take a shower and I'll put the sheets in the wash." (Because I didn't want her to see the shit I rubbed into the bedding)
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" I hear her yell from the laundry area in the living room. I run in to find that when she stood up to get in the shower, low and behold, she stepped on the piece of shit that fell out of my underwear... "Oh no! What do I do?!" I thought to myself. And before I came up with anything good she says, "I'm going to murder that fucking cat! I've had enough of this bullshit." How lucky am I?! Lucky enough for her roommate to have a cat that likes to shit in people's bedrooms!
In the end I came out clean and to this day she doesn't know. I don't think.
TheFascinated: I think you have a drinking problem. Or bowel issues, or both.
[deleted]: I KNOW you have a drinking problem.
TheFascinated: IT'S ONLY A PROBLEM WHEN I SAY IT'S A PROBLEM!! I'm sorry I yelled.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1411071002 | 1411071684 | t3_2gskuj | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by not washing my hands.
Well reddit, TIFU bad. I am an undergrad student at a university. I am in organic chemistry 2. We have a 4 hour lab every week and this week it was awful. We were doing diels-alder synthesis using anthracene and malefic anhydride (with xylene being the solvent). I felt the urge to pee and left the room. I FORGOT THE GOLDEN RULE OF ALWAYS WASHING YOUR FUCKING HANDS BEFORE LEAVING THE LAB.
As you can see where this is going. I straight up touched all over my meat microphone. Of course I didn't wash my dick in the bathroom and went back to class unaware of what the future hours held.
Hours later my dick starting burning, like on fire. Like me crying like a little girl who just watched her puppy get eaten. So of course I went to the hospital, and well I'm being treated for chemical burns all over my moose spruce.
TL;DR: Had chem lab, forgot to wash my hands, touched dick, chemical burn.
landshrk83: I'm calling bullshit, no college lets students work without gloves. Did you wear your gloves to the bathroom? If so, you're even dumber than you initially appear. Also, if you didn't learn Diels-Alder reactions in the first 8 weeks of O Chem 1 you must go to U Phoenix Online.
Source: am chemist
TheFascinated: Not everyone follows the rules.
landshrk83: Any lab supervisor would kick your ass out for not wearing gloves. This is complete BS.
Source: worked as a TA to for a chemistry lab course.
readyforhappines: All that's required is lab coat and goggles. And of course pants, and no open skin below the waist.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1411071122 | 1411155823 | t3_2gsl2t | t5_2to41 | 8 | syncboy: TIFU by getting semi-erect at the doctor
I went to the dermatologist today for a full body cancer screening (I have a lot of freckles). I've done these before and normally just stand in my underwear while the doctor looks at all my spots. This was a new doctor and he asked me to lower my underwear and stand naked while he examined me. He had me turn around and I realized my penis was getting semi erect. I hand no idea why as I was not sexually excited at all. I got very embarrassed and apologized. He said he it was no big deal and it happens all the time, but I was still humiliated.
mii747: My Doc always lets me keep my underwear on during a skin inspection. Just wondering why your Doc wants yours off?
syncboy: It was very strange. I'm standing there naked with my arms sticking out and then he has me turn so he can examine all sides. Very uncomfortable feeling.
[deleted]: Now if he put on the rubber glove, then I would be worried.
Dr: "Syncboy, I need to check your "inside" freckles."
| 4 | 2 |
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