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1411072579 | 1411073107 | t3_2gsnv0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | barfNoodlePasta: TIFU By drawing swastika's on the back of kid's hands, when one of their grandparents were holocaust survivors.
Ok, so first of I am not a neo-nazi or anything. I've never been into a fight, I've never intentionally hated on anyone because of racism or religious beliefs or anything like that. I'm just stupid...
Now that that's out of the way, this incident happened years ago when I was a young lad. I've been enjoying reddit for a while now, and I suddenly remember this embarrassing f*ck up, and I thought some people may enjoy it.
So this happened when I was much younger, it took me years to realize how messed up and offensive what I was doing was, and even MORE years to find it funny.
So I was a lifeguard at a small public pool for summer. Kids are dropped off by their parents (or grandparents...) for the day, they pay 5 bucks, and they hang out all day long. WELL, the last ten minutes of every hour is adult swim. It's really designed to get the kids out of the damn pool, so they either eat something, or use the restroom (and not go IN the pool). But in the case that one of the kids exit the property, you have to make a mark on their hands, with a big fat marker, showing that they have indeed already paid and been inside.
I was young and bored and for the mark I started drawing swastikas.
I honestly don't know why. When my boss (the head lifeguard) saw it, she said 'dude, stop that'. I stopped for a little while, then, more swastikas.
Welllllll, next thing I now it the shit hit's the fan. This old lady comes up, and she's screaming. It's offensive, you're offensive WHO DID THIS!!!
I'm so stupid, I say 'It was actually an international sign for peace before the nazi's took it...'
She was not amused. 'I WANT HIM FIRED'.
My boss called her boss who called his boss, they all came down, and yes, I was indeed fired.
I just picture myself, young and so naive, with this vacant look in my eyes, 'Wat's the big deal??'
Jesus christ even writing this makes me feel embarrassed again.
TheFascinated: That's horrible. We met some holocaust survivors in school, they were the nicest old men I'd ever met, I cried a little from their stories.
barfNoodlePasta: omg I know. I was just... so clueless. It's so embarrassing for many reasons. I feel extreme shame that I did it. I feel sadness that I was so clueless as to the effect that has on people. I mean, I was just in my own head, I had no idea how OFFENSIVE it is!!
I mean, I don't even think my wife knows this story... guess I'm really not over it yet. Cathartic to write it down and submit it anon though.
TheFascinated: Makes sense that it would be cathartic. We saw videos and stuff in school too, it was so awful to see it all but I'm glad they didn't hide us from it.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1411074442 | 1411149394 | t3_2gsrii | t5_2to41 | 192 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking into a boys' dressing room that was supposed to be empty and was being utilized by girls
This actually happened two weeks ago.
I'm a music clinician who goes into schools and teaches specific instruments that the band or orchestra teacher doesn't know. My sole job in this area is to help them improve their skill. And I'm good. Damn good.
Two weeks ago, I was teaching bass in the music building of a local high school. At the end of the day, I was to take a bass student into the boys' dressing room, and work on his all-state audition with him. I had my laptop with me, and we went through recordings and music.
The lesson lasted about an hour or so, and at the end of it, I helped him move his gear back into the orchestra room. On my way out, I needed to grab my laptop, which was still in the dressing room.
I was only gone for about 2-3 minutes, but when I walked in, there was about six girls or so, whom I were assuming were just socializing. One asked if she could help me, and I told her that I'm just going to grab my laptop and get out of here, and she said she'd do it for me. I watched her put the computer in the bag and when I turned my head, I noticed a girl was in a sports bra and was putting on a t-shirt. My absent-minded self realized at this point that they were actually indecent, so I stepped out and waited outside for the one girl to hand me my computer.
Today, I was in there teaching, and the orchestra teacher told me that there were complaints about it. And I told her that it was an honest mistake, and that the girls weren't changing as far as I knew, that they were in the boys' dressing room, and I had my laptop, which is very important in there that I needed to get.
I asked the orchestra teacher if I needed to do anything, and she said that she would look into it and let me know.
I just got an email that I'm not allowed to teach at that school any more. That's a $500/month account down the drain.
EDIT: Thanks Reddit for the advice. I never would have thought to call an attorney just to make sure I have covered my ass. I meet with the attorney on Tuesday morning, and I assume he'll be able to tell me what, if anything, I should do. And the meeting is paid for by the local musicians union, so I don't even need to pay anything.
EDIT 2: [I posted an update.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2hit70/tifupdate_i_walked_into_a_boys_dressing_room_with/)
bury_the_hatchet: You should fight that. That doesn't make any sense, given that I can take this story at face value (which I assume I can).
They can't possibly ban you for going to get your stuff out of a boys' dressing room where girls happened to be changing. That... That isn't your fault.
[deleted]: I don't really have any recourse on it, because:
a.) It's a right-to-work state, and I can be fired for any reason other than typical equal rights issues.
b.) I'm not an employee, I'm a vendor, meaning they can just decline my services if they don't want to use me.
Now, if a parent decides to press charges, or if the school thinks they're going to cut into my business of private lessons with their students off of that campus, I'll be calling a lawyer.
ssjkriccolo: I'd file a complaint just so you have a record in case you do need to get a lawyer.
Tyyoung: Do this. I'm currently in college studying to become a paralegal, and what you need to do is just have a timeline of communication which would help your case.
[deleted]: But I mean who do I contact? I think I might check out a sexual harassment lawyer tomorrow with a free consultation. See if they might be able to give me advice on the matter.
PizzaQuest420: dude, just drop it as hard as you can. honest mistake, but it doesn't matter. you can't win, you can only lose more
[deleted]: Not looking to "win" anything, but if the fact is that this isn't over, maybe I should make sure my ducks are all in a row to cover my ass.
[deleted]: This. Having a line of communication which states you are aware of the implications but you have a perfectly reasonable reason and are being adult about it won't hurt you.
Trying to hide and/or forget it would hurt you. Innocent people don't need to hide.
[deleted]: I just remembered that the musicians union gives its members free consultations for music-related issues. I called the local president, and he pretty much told me to call their lawyer ASAP, that the union will cover the first meeting, and that this particular lawyer will probably give this case a huge discount for any following consultations because he takes this issue very seriously.
[deleted]: That is great to hear that not only you but your union and affilated law firms take this all seriously. Sounds like you took the right steps and should be covered now.
In fact, I bet now nothing will come of it because anyone/ group who could have seen a possibility to sue will now not bother. Good on you for taking the right steps.
[deleted]: Thanks. I meet with the attorney on Tuesday. The union president said it's not the head lawyer because he's out of town, but someone else in the firm, and that I still need to call the firm when he gets home because he will absolutely want to hear about it.
I might live in a right-to-work state, but this single issue makes paying my dues very much worth it. Though, the union has been very helpful in other instances, too.
| 12 | 16 | |
1411074755 | 1411075859 | t3_2gss3g | t5_2to41 | 19 | DMBFan41: NSFW TIFU by taking the wrong medicine when my gf came to town.
So this actually happened about a week ago, but nonetheless.. Here we go.
My girlfriend lives about two hours away from me and usually comes down on weekends since she works M-F. Last weekend she comes down and it's about nine at night and I start to develop a headache. I always have Ibuprofen at my side table so I just grab the bottle and take four of them as usual (I'm a big guy.)
About two hours pass as we're watching tv and I still have a headache and don't understand why. Girlfriend then starts to begin sexytimes and I of course get excited. About 15 minutes into foreplay I start to get extremely drowsy, and because of this I just fly right into sex as fast as I can. Another 10 minutes pass and I'm extremely tired... I ended up passed out on top of and inside my gf still. She wakes me up and we check the medicine bottle while I'm still half asleep, turns out I took four Benadryl. That's my luck. Still can't believe I passed out on top of her.
Next time I'll be sure to check the bottle before taking anything.
aliengiraffe: How do we know your girlfriend didn't switch your medicine and she in fact DATE RAPPED YOU!!!!
DMBFan41: This is a very valid point... I didn't think about it from that point of view. I'll be having a conversation with her.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1411077084 | 1411079645 | t3_2gsw9s | t5_2to41 | 7 | Loyd_Rage: TIFU by drinking Surge
When I heard Monday that Surge was coming back I ordered a 12-pack immediately, it only cost me $14. As soon as it got here I tore into it, drank one and handed out a few to my office mates. I just found out a few minutes ago that Amazon sold out and people are selling the unopened 12-packs for $40-60 on Ebay. Also, I probably have cancer from drinking Surge.
Edit: missing letter
steezyvape: But if you sold it, you wouldn't have Surge.
Loyd_Rage: True. I really should have just bout 10 cases on Monday.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411077774 | 1411081466 | t3_2gsxih | t5_2to41 | 6 | mmland: TIFU by trying to sound impressive to my [F] boss
I love this sub-reddit, but I never remember any of my own fuckups unless something jogs my emotional memory of the event. That being said, a customer of mine reminded me today of this fuckup from about nine years ago.
I just began university (2005) and was taking a math course, among other things. I was also hired to be a math tutor for any math class that I had already taken, which included working in a "math lab" that had regular hours where students can drop in to receive tutoring or help with homework. The math lab also had a faculty advisor on duty, who happened to be 20-something young lady (call her Daphne) that I got along with quite well. I liked her more than I should have, and being 18 years old I convinced myself (a la Lloyd Christmas) that 'there was a chance'. She was, however, in a very happy and productive relationship, where they both followed their dream careers and had two kids.
Anyways, one day a week or so into the semester, the math professor (call him Fred) says to the class "I would like to go over a homework problem that none of you got correct". At this point in the course, it was 100% review; there was no new material that we were covering. I don't want to sound cocky, but I knew that I had solved every problem correctly. Regardless, when he wrote the problem in question on the board I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. He wrote the problem out, and took great pains to say "None of you - NONE - of you, noticed that the integral of..." so on so forth. He solved the problem on the board using a nice little substitution for integration, said "that's how I solved it, but I'm a math professor, so I don't blame you all for not thinking of that. You all should have done it this way" at which point he drew the problem out (the long way) for god knows how long, finishing with something along the lines of "Now, why are we all failing review material??"
I'll be honest, I don't remember what happened while he wrote out the long-version solution on the board, because I was seething. I had solved that exact problem in the exact same way using the exact same substitution, and had submitted my homework to him personally in his office. I had no idea how he could look around at the class and take credit for a trick that I was taught by a different professor the previous semester, and had submitted to him on my homework.
Here is where we get to the fuckup. Immediately after this class, I go to do my shift at the math lab. I am happy to see Daphne, but still very pissed off with Fred. Daphne asks me how my class was, and I say it was so-so (I'm still trying to think about why on Earth somebody would blatantly lie like that). She asks what class I came from, and I say it was math.
Daphne: "Oh? Who is your professor?"
Me: "Fred."
Daphne: "Ahh! What do you think of him?"
That's where I go balls deep into a puffed-up tirade against this professor, and explain to her what happened in class that day. I tried to sound as if I was giving him a professional review that only a peer would understand, making him out to be a hack who probably won't be around for much longer, which everyone on campus would only be grateful for. Effectively, it was an 18 year old college freshman being cocky and degrading against a guy who I barely knew to a woman who I knew only slightly better.
She listened, she nodded. She excused herself to talk to a student who was working on homework. I was expecting her empathy, and got none.
Later that week, I got my homework back, graded, and he had given me credit for the problem he solved in front of the class. This means he had absolutely no excuse for pretending like it was his own idea in class. In the following weeks, I just plain stopped going to my calculus class out of spite, and I had maybe two more shifts with Daphne during which I had no opportunity to talk to her whatsoever. Around the middle of October, a co-worker mentioned to me that Daphne stopped working the Math Lab, and was replaced with a different Faculty member. I was dismayed, but put my energy into other relationships on campus, and eventually it all faded into memory. I transferred to a different school after that first semester.
Fast forward to 2009, and I'm visiting the college. I meet another old professor of mine who is still a great friend (call her Velma), and we discuss why I left her college after only one year. I mention Fred, and she gasps.
Velma: "Oh him! Did you hear what happened to him?!"
Me: "No, but hopefully he isn't still around here"
Velma: "He still works here, but the spring semester after you were here, his girlfriend of 7 years broke up with him, took their two kids and moved across the state, he got drunk and crashed his car into a tree doing 80!"
Me: "Holy shit...Who was his girlfriend?"
Velma: "Her name was Daphne, she worked in the math department."
Now, I'll be totally honest, this is where I begin to speculate because I simply have no way of knowing. I highly doubt that what I said to Daphne was the sole reason they broke up, but I feel very much like I contributed. What I believe happened is that she relayed my "review" to him, and things got a little testy, leading to the eventual break-up, and eventual drunken crash. Later during that visit, I sought out his office and made a pretense to see him (something like "hey, where is the nearest restroom"). From what I could see, he had a horribly mutilated hand and some terrible scars on his face, presumably from the accident, along with god knows what else.
Anyways, I don't really think any of it was my fault, but I feel responsible anyways. Honestly, I'm even a little bit worried that Fred or Daphne will read this.
**TL:DR - I unknowingly called out my shitty math professor to his own girlfriend, which led to a broken home, drunken car crash, broken face, and mutilated hand**
NinjaGoddess: So what did you say to him when you found his office?
mmland: I really only asked him something like "which way to the bathroom", I didn't want him to remember me, I just wanted to be a snoop
NinjaGoddess: Have you ever tried to look up the girl?
mmland: Negative, I am now happily married. Besides, I can remember Fred's real name, but not Daphne's.
NinjaGoddess: I'm glad you found a good match for you. Sounds like it worked out.
| 6 | 1 | |
1411078379 | 1411098312 | t3_2gsyn1 | t5_2to41 | 371 | TangyToddler: TIFU By Being Too Nice to a Girl with Down Syndrome
OK, I sound like an ass in the title, but after the story/explanation, you'll see that I did my best to reconcile the situation. This one technically isn't today, so I'm sorry.
Some backstory: I was a Sophomore in High School, homecoming dance was that day, and I was dating a girl for about 6 months. No real names will be used.
I went to the dance with my gf, Maddy, and a few other friends. We get there a bit early and are just in the normal high school dance circle kinda dancing and just mostly talking. Within about 25 minutes, Kelly, the girl with down syndrome, finds me and wants to dance. Prior to the dance, I had known Kelly for about 2 years and would say hi to her in the hallways, talk to her for a second at times, and had danced with her for a bit at a dance before. Well, Kelly wanted to dance, but I was trying to hang with my friends a bit. Finally, my gf told me to go for it and dance with her.
So I danced with Kelly for about a song or two. I basically just awkwardly stepped right to left, as I was just an awkward white dancer. Normal. After that, I told her I was gonna head back to my group and hang with them and I would dance with Kelly later. She got mad, yelled at me, and ran off. I felt kinda bad, but didn't realize what it would lead too.
We were dancing in our little grind circle and saw Kelly kinda near constantly looking back and giving me death glares. We'd move, and she'd follow. Finally, she came up and got in front of my gf and said, "Go to the corner, he's mine!" While being kinda stunned, I told her that Maddy was my gf and I had to dance with her for a while. She got upset, and left again. I felt bad, but honestly didn't know how to handle situations with someone with special needs. I was handling it the best I could. Once again, Kelly came back, crying, holding hands with a teacher. She pointed at me and told the teacher that I called her stupid. I thought I'd get in trouble because, I mean, it doesn't look great that she'd make that up and then me trying to defend myself by calling someone with down syndrome a liar. Luckily, the teacher knew Kelly, and knew I didn't call her that.
Well, I thought this whole thing would end at that. It would go back to normal, we would say hey in the hallways and whatever. Well, it didn't. It got a lot worse. I'll explain some situations below, but what happened was that Kelly ended up stalking me for the whole rest of my Sophomore year. I basically was the kid known as being "Kelly's Boyfriend." To save time, and so all these short stories aren't completely jumbled in an incoherent mess, i'll make bullet point and summarize different embarrassing situations for me. Also, I do want to make a note after she followed me around for a month at school, I told her teachers what was happening and they just replied, "She must think you're cute." They kept her out of my lunch for one day, then it was back to how it was.
- She told the whole sophomore girls choir class (that she was in) that I was a good kisser.
- She wrote me a handwritten note (that was VERY hard to decipher) that basically talked about her day, then said how she was in love with me and glad we were dating. Then labeled two stick people holding hands as Kelly & Ryan.
- She followed me into the boys locker room when I was trying to head to PE. A teacher finally stopped her halfway through the locker room, but she was crying and yelling at me the whole way out. She wanted me to go to choir with her.
- I was sick one day from work, and my friends thought it'd be cool or funny to tell her that I moved to Russia. She then (from what my friends told me) go to the payphone we had and tried to call me in Russia.
- She followed me to my History class, stood at the doorway and stared at me. (She actually memorized my schedule and would know what hallways I would be in during which periods. It was kinda crazy) My friend, knowing the whole situation went, "Dude, Kelly is trying to talk to you." so I said, "Hey Kelly, Watsup?" She then let out the loudest scream (like crying pissed off scream, not scared) of all-time for a good 3-5 seconds, and ran away. There were about 15 of us in the class, it was silent for a bit, then my friend says, "Wow, you're a jerk."
- She would stand behind me at my locker as I switch out books and hit me with her hands or her purse at times. Depends on what weapon was her fav of the day.
- She typed a 4 page note (literally stapled and everything) that was just a whole 4 pages of someone smashing their keyboard ex: ajldkanvouadlkdnadlkfuadsflnasd then, at the end, in crayon wrote, Luv you.
- She gave me a necklace that was about 20 bucks. I didn't want to take a gift, as I figured it was one that probably was given to her. I tried to return the gift to her, till she remembered she gave it to me a week earlier. She then cried and yelled at me. My friend later broke it and threw it away saying it was probably cursed or poisoned.
- At every lunch, she would sit a table away from me and my friends. My friends would usually try to egg(?) on any situation that would arise. One was where she would use her hands as a phone, told me to answer her phone call, i'd put my hands as a phone to my ear, and she would turn around and talk to me, as if I could hear her through her hand. If she turned back around and notice me without my handphone to my ear, she would get mad (notice a theme of her being mad at me. It was similar to a real relationship in that aspect). She would then proceed to turn around and talk back into the phone, recycling the situation.
- She told my friends at lunch, "Ryan came to my house. We jumped on my bed and he said, 'you're number 1 Kelly, and I said Yeah." So, my friends ran with it, and made fun of me for 'jumping' on her bed.
- She came into my science class once, and got mad at me and cried. So i explained to my teacher the situation (everybody in my class already knew what was happening). a few weeks later, I got into the classroom early and told my teach she was on my tail. She hid me in the supply closet and told Kelly I wasn't there. Kelly got mad and then spotted a girl that looked kinda familiar to my gf (my gf didn't go to my high school) and yelled at her and said how I was dating Kelly, not her. Teacher escorted Kelly out.
- At a Choir concert, I was in varsity choir and was standing in the aisles with my other classmates, and Kelly was on stage with the sophomore girls. She then noticed me, waved, I waved back, but then she kept waving every 5 seconds. I didn't, keep it up, and she had a meltdown on stage and had to go off stage with another girl.
- At our school, they had a talent show for special education. Before her dance performance, she got a mic where they would explain their talent or their performance. She then said, "This is for Ryan, my boyfriend."
- She wrote me a few other notes (don't recall exactly what they said), but they were always on the back of grocery lists. Usually, they talked about our relationship. The usual.
- She would do cheerleader moves for me on my way to class sometimes. She would do high kicks and chant "Go Ryan! Yeah, Go, Go, Go Ryan!" and anything to that effect. It definitely created a lot of attention to me.
- This one was a doozy. It was finals time, so I was already fairly stressed about a math final specifically. Well, I was studying for a test and she found me and she was crying. She then goes, "Why did you call me retarded and stupid?" I thought, uh-oh. Gotta try to disolve this fast. Well, obviously, as most of these stories go, She got more upset, and kept repeating it. A teacher saw her crying and came over. She told him that I called her retarded and stupid, so I got sent to the office. Luckily,not in trouble as I explained what happened. I mentioned that this was going on for a while and the principal just said, "Well, i'll see what I can do." Turned out, he didn't do shit. Normal.
- I would have to hide at every dance the rest of the year (winter formal and a sadie hawkins type dance). I would be on high alert and constantly moving or going into crowds. She'd fine me sometimes, but I'd get away the best I could.
So, I'm sure there are more stories and i'll edit if any are worth telling if I can remember them. I also want to say that I'm not trying to make fun of somebody with special needs with these stories. I always tried to deal with it the best I could, but as a 15/16 year old, it was stressful. I never was in these type of situations before and when I did go to get help, nobody helped.
To add to this, I later found out (after I had already graduated) that there was a rumor going around that I had sex with her, which was the reason she followed me all the time. Wasn't a great year. Luckily, she moved on to other guys my Junior and Senior year.
tl;dr
I was stalked by a Down syndrome girl and she followed me my whole sophomore year class and told everybody I was her bf. She would punch me, cheerlead for me down the halls, yell, cry, scream, start rumors, anything else you can think of - about me the whole year. It was rough.
Edit 1: thanks for all the feedback and glad you enjoyed the stories. Never had a post be this popular. Also want to add a couple quick stories. Sorry for any typos, updating from a phone:
- She sometimes would try to play the victim as she would realize I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted. So periodically, about once every month, she would tell me she was leaving for college the next day or that it was her birthday. And she would be like, "so are you planning a party for me?" And other stuff like that. I called her out on her bullshit once and asked her why she wasn't at her new college and she told me she changed her mind and didn't want to leave me. Totally backfired.
- one good thing out of this story was that she helped out at this coffee/doughnut/muffin thing the school started that year and she'd bring me free muffins. Was a bonus.
- some of the girls would pressure me to take her to school dances as my date, but I didn't want to encourage her behavior. I did feel bad though because at my senior year prom, I was with a new gf and would intentionally avoid Kelly and kind of hide in a crowd there. She was looking for me and ended up crying because she couldn't find me. I felt bad, but didn't want it to be sophomore year all over again. Just wanted to enjoy my prom.
Keep the questions up. I'll answer what I can, but I don't want to spam the comments with my replies.
TangyToddler: Want to apologize for the length. There was a lot to the story, and I tend to rattle on a lot anyways.
redditorrandom: That girl sounds like a fucking nightmare. You deserve a purple heart.
TangyToddler: Yeah, it sucked because, I was obviously not wanting to be known for this in high school lol. It was sort of funny the first few weeks, but after that, it was draining.
Crowned_Son_of_Fire: As someone who went through highschool and looks back on it now, i can tell you this will become one of those things that becomes a great albeit terrible story to tell around the campfire.
| 5 | 74.2 | |
1411077600 | 1411081735 | t3_2gsx72 | t5_2to41 | 60 | pandasneak: [NSFW] TIFU by forgetting to put away my "remote control"
This one is from the history books, because I just found this subreddit and I thought I'd share!
So a couple of years ago my boyfriend at the time and I had just moved in to a new place, and we decided to have my dad, brother (18), sister (14), cousin (20M), and uncle over for family dinner. We had a completely uneventful and nice meal, and I get up to grab dessert.
Flashback two days: Bf and I are having sexy time on our nice black leather couch in the living room. In anticipation of allll the fun I pull out my favorite lovely matte-silicon black vibrating dildo. I stash it on the flat part of the couch behind the back cushions, where I promptly forget about it... because sex. Thank god I forgot about it before we had sex, and not after....ew.
...So my sister goes and crashes on the couch. She's pretty bored of all the 'adult' conversation, so she starts looking for the remote control. Instead of finding the ACTUAL remote control, she fumbles around for a bit and, of course, finds the dildo, which had been blending in quite nicely with the couch for the last two days as they were the exact same color and texture.
As a 14 year old girl, you'd think she would have figured it out, but no such luck. Instead she yelps, "OOOO cool remote!!!" and starts pressing buttons, at which point it starts vibrating and she drops it on the floor, where it remains (rather noisily) until I come out of the kitchen.
At this point, she is still confused, my dad, uncle, cousin and brother are all red-faced and laughing hysterically, and the ex is basically in a heap on the floor laughing. At first I'm like "what's so funny," which quickly deteriorated into "OMG WTF noooooo." Obviously, I pick up the dildo, which is bouncing a little along the tile floor, and run out of the room.
The only upside was that this was a nice segue into a "toys are sometimes better than boys" conversation with my sister, which probably needed to happen since we were raised Catholic and both have a serious propensity for trouble.
TL;DR : Left dildo near couch, sister picked it up during family dinner and was startled by the pulsating remote control.
NinjaGoddess: Makes me glad I'm an only child
pandasneak: Haha, yeah it was pretty awkward. Although I have to say that the follow up conversation was oddly tender, as I explained to her that, unlike mom, I don't think your vag needs to be a dusty old vase, but that she should love herself and keep herself safe by waiting for people who will respect her.
NinjaGoddess: Love it. Wish I'd had an older sister like you.
pandasneak: Aw thanks :)
| 5 | 12 | |
1411079899 | 1411080552 | t3_2gt198 | t5_2to41 | 30 | countsingsheep: TIFU by calling a dead person about her insurance
I'm in the insurance business. My job is to go through all of the policies that are renewing fairly soon. I call the person who owns the policy, tell them how much it went up/down, thank them for their business, and maybe try to sell them another line of insurance if we don't have everything.
Today, I got a notification that someone's car insurance is renewing. She had her car insurance with The Hartford, which makes sense because she had an older sounding name, and The Hartford gives discounts to AARP members.
This is how the conversation went, roughly:
*Ring ring.*
Client: "Hello?"
Me: "Is this Ms. OldLady?"
OldLady: "This is her."
*She doesn't sound that old.*
Me: "Hi. I'm YoungGuy with InsuranceAgency. I noticed that your car insurance policy is renewing. It's going down by about $20. It's not much, but it's better than going up $20!"
OldLady: ....
*I look at my screen more closely.*
Me: "Actually, it looks like your policy is cancelled... Why is that?"
OldLady: ....
....
....
"Is this call for FirstName?"
Me: "Yes. Is this not her?"
OldLady: "No. This is her daughter. She died last month, so we cancelled her policy."
*OMYGOD.*
Me: "Oh... I'm so sorry... I... I didn't know."
Daughter: [sniffling] "That's okay. We're busy packing, is there anything else you wanted to know?"
*OMYGOD SHE'S ABOUT TO CRY.*
Me: "No. I'm very sorry for your loss."
Daughter: [sniffling a little harder] "Thank you. I appreciate the call."
Me: "It was no problem. Goodbye."
tl;dr: I called a dead woman's daughter about her dead mom's insurance.
JustNilt: Don't worry too much about it. I lost my first wife and my second wife and I lost her father. Both times, this sort of thing was pretty standard for a few months. It wasn't your fault, really.
Now, those assholes that *still* call multiple times ... that's different. Only had one of those, though, the second time around.
countsingsheep: Ok. She didn't sound upset with me at all. And she thanked me for the call.
I made sure to put a note down so they weren't bothered again.
JustNilt: Yeah, she's probably had more than one of those already. At only a month, she's still half-numb anyhow, I suspect.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1411079851 | 1411083343 | t3_2gt15v | t5_2to41 | 19 | TickleTh1sElmo: TIFU by not wiping
This fuck-up was from 9th grade, which was like 9 years ago for me, but it's one of those things that you just remember vividly. Of course, this story starts with me taking a shit.
Now, I used to have ghost wipes a lot of the time and this one time in particular, I don't remember why, but I didn't even bother to check after sitting on the throne and taking care of business.
It was baseball season, and my team was the A's. We had green shirts and white pants (you see how this is gonna go, yes?). At the baseball field, my family and I would spend hours there before and after my game because my brother also had a game right after mine. Well, I played in my game and a group of about 20 or so kids there as well decided to go to another field and play our own game of baseball after it had ended.
I stepped up to the plate and exaggerated my confidence by pointing over to the outfield fence. Of course, I struck out and turned my back to walk away. That's when I hear the kid playing catcher say, "Eww, is that...?"
And the one playing pitcher laughed and said, "Yeah, we already know."
The entire day, I felt a slight itching sensation at the seat of my pants, but I didn't think much of it until they started talking about it. I went behind the backstop and behind a small shack and turned my head around as far as I could and noticed that the entire backside of my pants was just smeared with dried shit. It dawned on me: I played a baseball game in front of a couple hundred people with shit all on my backside. And it was very noticeable.
I went back to the field distraught and defensive as fuck. The catcher said something along the lines of, "Dude, that's kinda gross."
Here's another huge fuck-up. Have you ever started saying a sentence only to have your brain click and remind you why you shouldn't finish it, but you can't stop yourself?
I said, "YOUR MOM IS GROSS." But while I was saying it, I remembered that his mom had died of leukemia not even a week before.
I then ran away and waited by my car until my family showed up and we left, shitty pants and all.
TL;DR: played baseball in shit-stained pants and then made a terrible mom joke out of defense to a kid whose mom died very recently
mayeslad: Only believable to the mum is gross bit sorry.
What kid in ninth grade is gonna be at his baseball game the week after his mum has died?
TickleTh1sElmo: Maybe to get his mind off it
mayeslad: Pretty sure when you're 15 or 16 the death of your mum would be very consuming
TickleTh1sElmo: yeah but he was there playing ball too. i wouldnt be if my mom died
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1411078860 | 1411093307 | t3_2gszgx | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By telling a girl I like she had a nose like Owen Wilson
This I worked as a camp counselor with this one girl who I thought was pretty attractive. The whole summer we were talking, having fun, etc. We exchanged numbers and all sorts of social media contacts. During camp while we were at a pool she told me that when she was younger she fucked up her nose by hitting it on a diving board. I told her I never noticed and thought her nose was cute. Fast forward to about a week ago and we are both away at our seperate colleges. I been telling her thats she has to come visit and its seems like in the next couple weeks she actually might. Score! She tells me that shes misses camp and hanging out and this is when I fucked up. I responded jokingly "Yeah, I miss you and your Owen Wilson nose". Needless to say she didn't find it funny, told me to fuck off and never talk to her again and blocked me on every social media outlet known to man. So I guess you coul say, I fucked up.
LucasZero: Can't take a joke it seems. Hopefully she will lighten up, but if not you may have done yourself a favor. Nobody wants to have the "walking on eggshells" feeling while trying to speak with somebody. I can see why that could be taken as offensive but that is overreacting. Does she have some self esteem issues? Either way good luck OP.
_V115_: Normally I'd agree, but I mean generally young girls care a lot about their appearance and getting her nose fucked up while she was young probably meant a lot of teasing/bullying and her self-esteem took a hit, so I'm not surprised she got so upset about it.
LucasZero: Yeah, I guess reading this again I can see how joking about that might bring back some bad memories. I wouldn't necessarily say that it justifies blocking off all contact with OP, but yeah, not very smart to make that joke.
| 4 | 2 | |
1411081183 | 1411083256 | t3_2gt3h2 | t5_2to41 | 9 | boobsoutinginSF: TIFU by spilling coffee down my white blouse then getting caught lifting it up to lick it off.
In my own defense, I was in a rush trying to get back to the office from my break. On top of that it's been a shitty week so my mind has been everywhere except where it needs to be. I was holding my phone and coffee in my left hand and a box of Shermans in the right. As I'm crossing the street my phone rang ..I of course lift it up to check it, whilst pouring my nice warm mocha down the bottom of my white blouse. Without giving it a second thought, I immediately lift up the damn shirt in attempt to lick up what was spilling before it settled in? ..catch the drippings? I really don't know what the fuck I was thinking, it was just my first response. So as I'm doing this, I realize what a dumbshit move I was doing and quickly looked up to see if anyone was watching ..and low and behold, the folks from the Italian school had just gotten out and were standing dead ahead with nice big twisted smiles. My blouse was pulled up to my mouth and my tits were hanging all out. I've a thing with bras; I don't ever **wear** them. The boobies got a nice big breath of fresh air ..and the blouse ended up with not only coffee but red lipstick stains from my tonguing it.
EDIT: **WEAR** ..WEAR.. seriously. yes..
ethicalpentester: > I don't ever where them.
*wear
Seriously?
thrwawy4thedummy: I always wondered what grammer-nazis like you do during the day. Like, do you just wait around to see if someone has a typo then freak out as if they called your mother a whore? lol
ethicalpentester: > I always wondered what grammer-nazis like you do during the day.
*grammar
Btw, that isn't grammar-related correction. Its a fucking spelling mistake. So go screw yourself.
thrwawy4thedummy: LOL so then yes, you guys really do get bent out of shape. Btw, the **grammer** spelling was intended to be patronizing humor. Screw myself. lol
ethicalpentester: That's a good cover up. Well done.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1411081796 | 1411101554 | t3_2gt4j1 | t5_2to41 | 93 | AmnisDunoo: TIFU by trying to jump fart at the face of my short girlfriend
Some context: my GF and I had spent the night out last night at a nice Italian restaurant. We shared a few laughs, had a few drinks and enjoyed some astonishingly good Italian food (I grew up in an Italian family so I feel I have the right to judge). Anyway after the beer and carb filled night we decided to head back to my parents place because thats where we live... screw off times are tough. Anyway...
More context: My GF is five foot 1 inch tall
Upon entering the house a rather glorious idea popped in to my head... I thought, due to my GFs rather short stature, I would jump in the air (not much different then a figure skater in the midst of a triple axle or what ever they call it) do a 360 and just at the right time release a nasty fart in her face. Me being 5-10 I figured this feat was more then manageable and would be a perfect ending to an overall fun filled night. As I jumped thoughts of sharing this moment with friends were already entering my mind.
At first my execution was flawless... I jumped and spun with just the right momentum but before I got high enough my head hit the ceiling... apparently I had not taken in to consideration that the ceiling in the entry way is shorter then the ceiling at all other parts of the house. Needless to say my head smacked the ceiling and I fell instantly to the ground only to let out a pitiful little fart. My GF had no idea what I was trying to do but she began to laugh uncontrollably. I was embarrassed. She doesn't look at me the same.
JustNilt: You might consider yourself lucky your idiotic plan only failed in a laughable way. Seriously, anyone should *instantly* dump any person who farts int heir face on purpose.
/curmudgeon
ihatetransfers: My 60 year old parents frequently have fart wars in which they attempt to gas each other better than the other. My parents are therefore cooler than yours.
You oldfart.
JustNilt: I've never found fart humor funny, so I guess it's just me. :/
| 4 | 23.25 | |
1411081679 | 1411393509 | t3_2gt4bs | t5_2to41 | 719 | stringg: TIFU in a lot of ways. It wasn't lipstick.
This didn't happen today, so I'm not sure if that violates the rules, but this is my fuck up from a few years ago. Buckle in.
I was 18 years old at a house party during my first year of University. I was very inexperienced sexually. I was also fucking plastered on Tequila. I sit down next to this girl who was by herself and start chatting about boring shit, what she's studying and what have you. I had pretty much never done this and was amazed at how receptive she was being. So logically I figured the next step was to makeout with her.
I basically fell into her forehead, both because I was bad at making out and the eleven or so shots of Tequila. I remember it actually REALLY hurt and probably hurt her too but I just played it off as casually as one could. Hey guys, wouldn't it be cool if that was the end of the story? I bumped into a girl's forehead and that's it, story over, how cringey right? It's not.
After we've been making out for a bit I start noticing her lipstick is being smeared around her mouth a bit. Now I haven't madeout with many girls so I just figure that's normal and continue. A little while later it is fucking EVERYWHERE. Red lipstick on her mouth, neck, forehead, fucking ears somehow. So I'm really confused at this point and pull back so I can her her more clearly. Then we both spoke at the same time.
I said "I think your lipstick is being smeared around your face a bit"
She said "Your nose IS bleeding a bit"
Then we both just kinda watched eachother figure out what had happened. She reached up at touched her face and looked at her finger and her mouth opened in horror. I just couldn't move and watched her do this. Then she got up and jogged to the bathroom, leaving me still sitting there, blood pouring down my face. I then notice it's on my shirt, pants and the carpet. I should mention now that I came with friends (which had since left) and the homeowner was a stranger to me.
So I have nothing to stop the blood except for my bare hand as I start running to find a bathroom. I find it but the door is closed and it's clearly occupied. I wait there for a couple minutes, holding my bloody nose, with people walking past me giving me weird looks, when I suddenly realize that it's obviously the girl I was making out with who is in there. I got terrified that she'd come out and just see me there, covered in blood and figured that was an interaction I wanted to avoid.
So I just stumble around this stranger's house, walking past hordes of people asking me if I'm okay and what happened. Finally I find the kitchen and grab a piece of paper towel. Now this is an emergency so I just roll a little piece up and shove it up my nose. I can then hear who I presume to be the homeowner, absolutely yelling "WHO THE FUCK DID THIS TO MY CARPET?" in the other room. I casually leave out the back door and make my way to the street. Desperate to leave and never come back.
As I start walking away from the house, who else do I see but the girl I was making out with. I would have told you her name at this point but I never actually got it from her. Lets call her Mary. Get it, like Bloody Mary. Anyway, so I'm still really really drunk (and like 18 year old drunk) so I decide it's a good idea to approach Mary and apologize to her.
So I go up to her and I'm like "hey, I'm really sorry that I...bled all over your face. It was an accident. Obviously" Not the most heartfelt shit.
She was super understanding. She was like "No, no it's fine! Don't worry about it! Well, I should be getting home."
Now again, I wish the story ended here. But it does not. Because instead of me leaving this situation relatively unscathed, my drunken moron brain was like "oh shit, this girl is still down. Maybe I can continue pursuing her." and then I thought of THE GREATEST PICKUP LINE EVER.
And I actually said to her "Oh, are you sure that you don't want more of my bodily fluids in your face?"
And she just stared at me. There was a long silence. Then I felt movement in my nasal canal. I don't know how often you guys have put pieces of kleenex in your nose to stop bleeding, but there's a moment when you feel the barrier start to give way. So in my head I'm thinking "Jesus no! The levy is breaking, my nose ABSOLUTELY CANNOT BLEED IN THIS MOMENT OF SILENCE." If I had just said my terrible pickup line, and then a small trickle of blood just starts coming down my face... the thought was unbearable.
So I take this enormous, ridiculous inhale of air through my nose. I looked very silly. But I breathed in so hard that I actually sucked the paper towel up through my nasal cavity into the back of my throat and I START CHOKING. Like seriously, dangerously choking. I am absolutely coughing up a storm.
She then says something that confused me. She said "You're not being fucking funny right now." Then I realized. She thought I was making fun of her. My coughing, with my hand covering my face, looked like I was making a blowjob gesture. Immediately after asking her if she wants my bodily fluids in her face. So I start coughing even more, desperately trying to get this thing unlodged so I can explain myself. And I coughed and coughed and coughed
...And I puked.
...on her.
I puked on her guys. I mean not directly on her, but in the form of residual splashes. It was gross tequila vomit too.
I just said "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" And left the other way.
In the end, I did get more of my bodily fluids on her face. Well more her shoes really.
Thanks for reading.
Cheeto-dust: > This didn't happen today, so I'm not sure if that violates the rules,
You must be new here.
Gamma_Bacon: This sub should be TTWIFU. (That Time When I Fucked Up)
ignorantlout: YIFU ("Yesterday" I Fucked Up)?
Zintilyaspin: /r/yifu is taken
ignorantlout: TIFU by clicking that link.
| 6 | 119.833333 | |
1411078776 | 1411094564 | t3_2gszbz | t5_2to41 | 81 | PhillyThrowDaway: TIFU by letting an elderly alcoholic man convince me to break into Disney World
Okay kiddos...grab a comfy blanket and gather around for story time....its 4 years ago and I'm still in college. I was the treasurer of my fraternity, at the time. Myself and 4 of my fellow chapter officers were down at the national convention in Orlando, Florida. For the GDIs & uninitiated, fraternity conventions basically occur every couple of years, when thousands of students & alumni, representing our chapters from schools all over the country, get together to vote on national bylaws, listen to seminars, learn new management techniques, etc. In other words, several thousand college kids, stuck in fairly boring meetings all day, in beautiful, sunny Orlando ... as you could imagine by the end of day 1, we were ready for some serious partying to blow of some steam.
However, to our dismay, many of our fellow brethren were underage. With the national council there, who were capable of putting entire chapters on probation at the drop of a hat, nobody wanted to do anything stupid - So the happenings in the hotel were pretty mellow. Since our school was on a 5 year program, the guys I was there with were either all 21+, or had really good fakes handed down from the older guys. We made it all the way down to Orlando & were going to find some real fun.
After hearing that some of the other guys from the convention are gathering at a local pool hall/bar - 4 of us hop in a cab and head over. We're drinking, dancing, having a merry ol' time. Before we know it last call is in 30 minutes, and we're all thoroughly lubricated & still ready for more. But alas, we were alone in an unfamiliar town with no women & no booze...unfortunately our night was coming to an early end. However, the entire time, we had noticed a kind of out of place man by himself at the end of the bar. Picture the cliche Old Man and the Sea, heavily weathered, Charles Bukowski-esque alcoholic type..just sitting alone, at the end of a bar full of young college kids...sipping at a glass of shitty whiskey. Basically everything I imagine i'll be doing in 50 years. With our prospects grim, and no signs that that a concupiscent female was about to succumb to some overpowering urge to drag me back to her place anytime soon, I decided to strike up a conversation with this interesting looking fellow - I always enjoy listening to old peoples' stories, especially drunk old people - and this guy looked like he had seen some shit.
So I get into drunkenly bullshitting with this old guy - eventually one of my friends joins in our conversation. I don't remember what we talked about exactly..not really important. But at some point he asks us, "So do you guys want to hear a local Orlando secret?"...Sure, I like secrets. "You know all those pretty foreign girls who work at Epcot? Well there's this housing complex not too far from here where they all live together. And every night, around this time, they throw these wild after parties. Lots of booze and lots of women. They're all horny too, willing to have sex with any American they can get their hands on. I heard of a kid who wandered in there and ended up in bed with not one, but 2 Swedish girls one night! " Crazy secret after party town filled with hot, horny foreign exchange girls? Say no more, this guy gets us! "And how do people get into these parties?" I inquired. "A bunch of handsome young men like you, all you have to do is show up! You'll get in no problem!". Sounded too good to be true, but he assures me that its real. He's old, and drunk...so of course I trust him.
I get the details of the location from him, and gathered my crew for a game plan huddle. My friend and I told the others what the guy had told us - despite some initial skepticism, we all agreed this sounded like paradise, & we must go.
So we flag down a cab, give him the address of the complex, and head off on our wild sex adventure. At this point it was around 2:30am...we were all pretty wasted, and really had no idea where we were going. We were driving farther into nowhere than we thought we would. The meter ticked...$10..$20...$30. Are we even going to the right place? We pass a sign. "Welcome to Disney World" it says. Upon realizing that this complex is located actually within the borders of Disney, on the outer reaches of the park, we immediately begin to have second thoughts about our decision. Our doubts were further affirmed as we got closer...this did not seem like some wild Bacchanalia village of cocaine and sex...no, it was a heavily fortified apartment complex, surrounded by 10 foot tall, thick fences, camera stands, and guard posts. The only lights we could see on were the street lights. We also didn't see or hear any parties going on during our approach. But, we figured maybe they just have to keep the crazy parties low key...it is Disney after all.
So here we were, a cab full of heavily intoxicated frat bros looking for a drunken orgy, pulling up to the Alkatraz of Disney housing complexes, with no plan of how to get inside...the situation suddenly gets even worse as we realize the cab driver is taking us right up to the main gate guard booth. This wasn't any ordinary apartment gated community guard booth either....it looked more like the front entrance to a high security military base in Kandahar. Spike strips, double jersey barriers, the whole deal. Disney keeps their shit on lock. This was not a good place for us to be.
"Just play it cool guys, we'll tell them were here visiting friends, itll be fine". Drunk logic. The cab stops in front and immediately three armed security guards, 2 equipped with high powered rifled (wtf, not sure when we took a wrong turn into Afghanistan), surround the cab. As we get out of the car, we're met with flashlights shining in our eyes. Then one of them aims their flashlights in the cab, searching for something...my guess is booze or RPGs. One of them asks very intimidatingly , "What are you guys doing here?". Squinting through the blinding beam, in my soberest voice, I confidently respond "We're just here visiting friends, sir". He smelled bullshit. This wasn't his first rodeo. I could see it in his eyes we were already fucked. I saw the cab pulling away...our only refuge. What the hell were we doing here? "Its past curfew, Who are you friends?". Shit. We're going to jail..
We all froze. This wasn't your average rent a cop ...this guy was serious ... I was sure he was going to call the cops upon realizing our attempted intrusion. "We, uhhh, umm...you know actually I think he dropped us off at the wrong place, sorry". At this we all try to play it off casually by walking away from the gate around the outside of the fence. We didn't know where we were, or where we were going, but we couldn't stop without looking even more suspicious.
As we followed the perimeter of the complex, we had the chance to scope the place out a bit more. There didn't seem to be anything really going on. In fact, not only did it appear there were no drunken parties, the whole place seemed to be sleeping. Not a single person on the street. Did the old man just troll us? But we came all this way for a drunken Swedish orgy, and I wasn't giving up without knowing for sure...plus, i had some faith in the old dude. There had to be a way inside. We scouted around the area for a weakness in the defenses. Nothing. It looked pretty impenetrable. It was one of those fences that's near impossible to climb...the ones with only vertical bars spaced 4 inches or so apart, & a big spike at the top. The only way over is to grab a horizontal crossbar about 8 feet up & hurl yourself up. While 2 of my friends stood there debating whether to go home...I asked my other friend for a boost. I stepped on his hands, he threw me up, and I hurdled the fence. It was a long way down. At this point all of the guys looked over at me standing on the other side.
Well, no turning back now...they couldn't just leave me in there by myself. One by one they help each other over... the last one hurdling it on his own power. Once were all on the inside we survey our surroundings. Its dark. And silence...total silence. Nobody seemed to be around. It only took about 2 minutes of sneaking from house to house listening for any signs of life before we realize our initial fears were confirmed...this place, was in fact, completely dead. There was literally not one person awake. No foreign exchange girls. No naked pillow fights. No threesome with 2 Swedish twins named Elsa & Olga. Fuck.
And at this point, it suddenly dawned on us that we were drunk, had just broken into a heavily guarded fenced in neighborhood, where we knew nobody, and were now creeping around in people's back yards...inside of Disney World. Panic started to set in as we recognized that this could very easily end up with us in jail for trespassing. We gotta get out of here....fast.
So we try to sneak our way to the road inside the complex looking for an exit. No more than 10 seconds after we stepped foot into the light of the street lamps, we hear a fog horn siren. At that moment 2 golf carts with 2 large, armed security guards pull up in front of us blocking us off. They must have been watching us this whole time on camera. "STOP RIGHT THERE! What are you guys doing in here!?" Before we could even respond, we hear one of them on the radio "We have 4 jumpers over the fence, 4 jumpers. Send for PD"
Now, before I continue, its important to understand the guys I was with were all pretty great athletes...masters of their various sports of choice. Meanwhile, I rode the bench on our JV lacrosse team for two years in high school. I have duck feet, I'm slow, I have no stamina, and I can't jump for shit.
Anyway, here we were, the 4 of us, trapped with 4 security guards, police on their way. Pretty much fucked. I glanced at my friend, and saw a look in his eye. I knew that look. I knew what he was about to do. I shook my head no. He grinned back. And then... he took off. We all stood there stunned for a moment...and looked at each other while the guards were still processing what just happened. Suddenly my two other guys bolted off in the same direction. Fuck. I was the last one standing there. So I start to run too. The guards take chase.
I run as fast as I can, but I already know I won't be fast enough. We're running along the inside of the fence behind these houses. After only about 25 yards of sprinting and I was already almost out of breath. I saw a blurr as my one friend who was behind me put on the burners and blow right past me. I was in the back of the pack.
I'm a painfully slow white guy, being chased down by several black security guards who looked like they could be former football players...basically the worst possible situation I could be in. I see the far end of the complex coming up ahead. My friends were a good 20 feet in front of me, and one by one I watched them gracefully hop over the fence - grabbing the crossbar & propelling themselves over top in one smooth hurdle like some majestic gazelle.
The guards were closing in on me fast. My heart was burning in my chest. I can't run like this much longer. I'm going to get caught. So I take a b-line for the closest fence...the sudden turn burning off all of my forward momentum. I jump...barely hitting the crossbar with my finger tips... and slide slowly back down to the ground. Fuck. With seconds before he catches me, I back up, run at the fence again full speed, and jump as high as I can. This time I managed to grab the bar. I start to scramble my legs up ...the bars are slippery. I'm almost over to freedom...but then I feel a tug. My belt loop was stuck on the top. omg. Here I am teetering 10 feet in the air, balancing by my stomach only on thick metal spikes which were digging deep into my abdomen.
By now the guard has caught up to me. My legs are dangling over his head. He makes a grab for one of them. I kick him away. He makes another grab. Before he can get me I propel myself forward, doing a half forward somersault flip over the top of the fence, causing me to fall face first, 10 feet down into a bush below. FUCK that hurt.
Anything broken? No. At this point I'm completely exhausted & unable to run anymore. I half power walk half skip as fast as I can, gasping for breath. At that point I hear one of my friends somewhere in the distance yell "get down!". I glance up the road just in time to see the discernible glow of a police car coming up the road. I dive into the closest bush and army crawl out of site. To my surprise, one of the other guys was hiding behind the very same bush. My other two friends were nowhere in site. We watch silently trying to muffle our heavy breaths as a police cruiser slow rolls by, search lights alternating between scanning the fence on the other side of the street, and the bushes on the side where we were.
After hes clear, we start to get up...when another cruiser rolls by, followed by 2 cops on motorcycles. They were out in force looking for us. We were pinned down. After waiting in the bush for another 5 minutes we decided we had to move. So we get up & start jogging down the sidewalk...far away from any kind of main road or safety. I see a police car coming in the distance. We were out in the open. We're screwed.
Like some glorious miracle, at that moment a minivan comes speeding past us. We try to wave it down. It gets about 25 feet down the road, when it slams its breaks. Fuck, undercover?? The door flies open. To our surprise...out hops one of our two other friends. "HURRY GET IN!" He yelled. So we ran to the van with our last bit of energy, jumped inside head first, & were pulling away with the door shutting behind us just as the police cruiser caught up to our location. He didn't see us.
Apparently, the two other guys managed to make it up to another road, and flagged down a random minivan...telling him they'd pay him $50 to take us back to the hotel. He agreed. We were safe.
After we all calmed down a bit, my one friend looked at me goes "Holy Shit dude, what happened?" I looked down and realized blood had soaked completely through my shirt. I lifted it up to find a fairly large puncture wound on the side of my abdomen from the top of the spike. There was also a large gash running down my leg from falling over it...and my face was covered in scrapes from landing in the bush.
Today, I sill have a huge scar on my side, and our surveillance images are likely permanently on a wanted list at Disney World.
**TL;DR** - listened to drunk old guy, broke into Disney World, was chased by guards, got impaled by a fence...still wanted by Disney police.
**edit** Pretty sure it was one of these places - http://earsonemily.blogspot.com/2013/12/living-dcp-apartment-complexes.html unsure which
**edit 2** Heres a picture of the scar which provides some validation http://imgur.com/2mQqaxp
OliStabilize: Why would Disneyland have seriously armed guards?
No_E_: They don't, and this is fake.
PhillyThrowDaway: I could've wrote a much shorter post if it was fake lol it's the south man...not the first time I've seen someone carry an unnecessarily large gun for no reason. Not surprised from a security guard..I've seen people with assault riffles In the grocery stores down there.
No_E_: This reads like a half-assed action novel. It's unlikely that this is real.
PhillyThrowDaway: here's a picture of the scar if that'll ease your doubts at all. http://imgur.com/2mQqaxp
Random_Citizenn: I believe you, something this funny can't have been made up.
| 7 | 11.571429 | |
1411068118 | 1411086400 | t3_2gsf6i | t5_2to41 | 3 | Jumpman6464: TIFU by trying to work on actual work rather than something I actually wanted to do
Background: I'm a college freshman this year, and was enrolled in this intro to computer science class. I had been programming for 2 years in Java; I knew it decently, and after the first few days of the class, I knew, knowing myself, that I'd be a lazy don't-do-shit when it came time to do busywork assignments and I'd probably eventually default to skipping classes. My univ. has a policy where you can submit a request to take a test to bypass a class; I took this exam. To be brief, I failed. ~For programmers or curious; the class taught Python, a language not used in any higher programming classes. The exam involved manipulation of a text file. I had never done anything like this in Java, so I was stuck on stackoverflow pasting a ton of code that worked, tweaking things, just trying to get the output into a string, etc. etc...from what I understand it's a much easier process in Python. That, or I didn't deserve to be there; I'd already passed the written portion that many others failed, so I figured I had a good chance at that point.~
Here's the fuckup. A buddy in the dorm room next to mine was doing the same thing. He showed me a program a few days before the test, in Python, which took a text file and manipulated it. I resolved to make a similar program, in Java, with a GUI, because that was really the only way I could 1-up him (friendly competition, of course.) Day before the test, and I could either work ahead on a program for the next level class (my univ. told me to start attending the next level classes if I passed) or I could work on making that program I had resolved to make. I chose to work ahead, thus leaving me clueless and without the skills I almost had if I had spent those +/-3 hours figuring out how to do what I needed to do. I'm now stuck with a huge point determent in a rudimentary programming class because I skipped out on doing work for a week and get to spend the rest of the semester in a large class of just about every major offered at this univ.
...Yes, shame on me for skipping classes. It seems I missed every thread that had anything to do remotely with college advice. Also, going for Comp. Engineering. I encourage and appreciate the snide posts that restate how [INSERT QUOTE FROM TEXT] and about how my [INSERT PROBLEM HERE] will make me become a [INSERT LOWLY POSITION IN LIFE] and your story about [INSERT LIFE STORY] is very inspiring, thank you for taking the time to post.
OliStabilize: 2 years of Java and no file manipulation? What were you writing?
Jumpman6464: I don't know, I just never had a need to do file manipulation... and I had no experience with scanner or w/e else I tried to use. The biggest project I did was emulating power lines in a simcity 2000esque type of deal for a physics class. You're right--I don't know how I've been doing this so long and not naturally come to that.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411083631 | 1411118849 | t3_2gt7oh | t5_2to41 | 6 | omgwthbbq: TIFU By being throwing a bitch fit at work.
Without saying much about where the job is, I was always unhappy there.
From the first day I was hired, I knew that I wouldn't like it. As my co workers would reset tables without changing the table cloths. Among other things, they cut corners, call off, leave early, ect.
They generally made work harder for those who gave half a crap, but every time I asked those people.
'Why don't you do anything about it?' They tell me it's just the way it is. I keep hearing them complain about it, yet nothing is done.
It was quite an angry, depressing environment, and it rubbed off on me.
So I grew spiteful as this went on, went on for about a year and a half. It grew to the point that whenever I am confronted about something I would snap. One of the major ones was throwing a thing of chocolate syrup, made a mess. Next big one was slammed a plate, though it didn't break, then another plate, which did and the manager saw. Needless to say I don't have a job anymore.
I actually feel free now, like getting out of a broken relationship. Sadly this will not help me pay my part of the rent. So I fucked up, fucked up good.
I need help... Throwing plates or chocolate syrup is not the answer.
JustNilt: Sadly, in almost any job of that sort, you're going to run into a lot of folks who just don't care. Management can be a contributing factor as well. Learning how not to let it bother you too much is sort of a life skill you only acquire with time, though.
omgwthbbq: Yeah, I'm starting to think that. :<
| 3 | 2 | |
1411083598 | 1411101641 | t3_2gt7m6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by filming a student masturbate in class
After some thought I've decided to post this story here.
It was senior year of high school and we were all in my AP Biology class. The class begins as normal and my relatively strange and flamboyant biology teacher is up front talking about who knows what. I hear some commotion behind me but dismiss it as seniors being seniors. A few minutes later I eventually turn around and see an empty space in the room. Everyone has moved away from this kid, we'll call him Ben.
The girl behind me whispers "Ben is masturbating." And sure enough this kid is fucking going at it. He's got his right hand in his jean pants and he is 100% going to town. I pull out my phone and record him for a solid 10 seconds. I'm a dumbass and know no one would believe me if I didn't film it (or so I had thought). Anyway I send the video to this hot girl sitting next to me after she asks me to. Bam, got her number and we have something to talk about later. At this point our teacher has done NOTHING. He's walked around and clearly knows what's up but doesn't say a single thing to Ben. Eventually the bell rings after 10 minutes and everyone scurries out of the class giggling and trying to deal with what the fuck just occurred. The kid jacked off for a solid 10 minutes.
Apparently what had happened is this girl had sat next to him for the first time and Ben was just like "fuck it." The kid probably has some mental problems now that I think about it. Anyway, the commotion started when this girl dropped her jacket, Ben pulls his hand out of his pants and picks it up for her. She of course makes a little scene and then everyone knows.
So how did I fuck up? The administration at my school (a bunch of moronic fuckheads) asks me to write a written statement of what happened. If I did this "I wouldn't get in trouble," they just wanted accounts of what had happened. This is how I learned about entrapment because those fuckers used it against me and gave me 7 hours of in school suspension without warning. Out of all the kids that filmed this asshole jacking off in the middle of a god damn classroom only me and another guy get in trouble. The other 5-6 girls who filmed it didn't get jack-shit because they're the victims or something. They sent the video to others as well I might add.
Okay so the aftermath. I delete the video, hot girl deletes the video, I pay my time in the slammer and Ben gets 10 days of suspension. The fucker probably spent it watching hentai and jacking off.
So TIFU by filming a classmate jerk off in the middle of a classroom full of highschoolers.
(Ben's 18, it's not child pornography so I wasn't worried about that at any time)
TL;DR: Kid in my class jacks off, I film it, and spend 7 hours in detention
JustNilt: It probably wouldn't be porn anyhow, if he's not exposed. Of course, that wouldn't stop some from trying to charge about it ....
K3NN3Y: I believe the school would still call it inappropriate though... He was still jerking it in class.
JustNilt: Well, **yeah**! I'm just saying it wouldn't actually be porn, simply video of an activity being performed at an inappropriate time and place.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411082835 | 1411130561 | t3_2gt6bo | t5_2to41 | 63 | [deleted]: TIFU because I cocked a pistol at my front door when a cop was knocking on it
This is my first reddit post as well as my first time visiting this site. I'm a little behind on this, I know.
I found the TIFU posts the most interesting on the site so far, and I noticed that a lot of people are complaining that all of the TIFU posts are about sex now. So in the interest of the disgruntled, I thought that this is a perfect time for me to share with the world one of my biggest TIFU moments ever.
This happened a few years ago...
When I was about 19-20 years old, I was on hiatus from college, rebelling against everything my parents wanted me to do, and selling weed to support myself. I lived in a popular college town in Georgia at a two story, just-below-subpar apartment building above a man who was about 70 years old, handicapped, and a little nutty.. I'll call him Mr. James. Mr. James had a bad habit of calling noise complaints in to the police about me on what seemed to be a weekly basis. Most of the time, the noise he complained about came from me moving furniture, or playing with my new puppy (a chocolate lab), or sometimes having company over and having music or a movie playing. So once a week, I had a cop (not sure if it was the same cop or a different cop every time) come knock on my door, and I never opened the door for the cop once. At this time in my life, I was also smoking a lot of the weed that I sold, so if I had opened the door, a plume of smoke and marijuana fragrance would have burst into the cop's face, giving him plenty of reason to arrest me on the spot and search my apartment. Not good for me at all, so you can imagine why I never answered the door. The cop(s?) would always knock for a few minutes, and then leave. I never heard them threaten to knock the door down or forcibly enter my dwelling (I later found out that cops in Georgia ((not sure about other states)) are not authorized to force entry into a private residence based solely on a noise complaint).
As I'm living this slightly paranoid reality, I'm also selling weed out of my apartment like hot cakes. I start to get a more local, sketchy clientele as I become more greedy and less cautious about who I'm dealing with and who I'm letting come to my apartment (where I kept all of my weed, which was fronted to me - I know, I was a fucking idiot). So eventually, I end up getting mixed up with the wrong people when I tell one of my customers that they can bring their friends "who are looking to buy a large quantity" over to my place - weeks before this, I had gotten robbed out of my car by meeting up with some strangers in a similar situation. The two strangers that came to my apartment at my friend's request ended up being one very thuggish cocaine dealer and his gun wielding cousin, Yoshi, whom he called his "protection." The cocaine dealer was actually an OK guy, but his cousin had a nervous energy that instantly sketched me out. We all hung out for a couple hours anyway. I smoke them out, they let me have a couple of lines, and they leave on the terms that they may come back soon to buy a lot of weed.. so I swap numbers with Yoshi.
Earlier I mentioned getting robbed from out of my car near a government housing neighborhood. After that, for personal protection I bought an illegal, unregistered Kel-Tec 9mm from one of my customers who made his living dealing illegal fire arms.
It may be a little late in the story for me to mention this, but I am a white male, from a South Georgia upper-middle class family. I was raised on a nice lake, around farmers and other well-off families (gag), brought up Southern Baptist (though I will never claim that title), and graduated from a small private school. **This side note may be helpful in realizing how out of place my character would be in these situations if this were a movie.**
Fast forward a week after Yoshi gets my number. Yoshi calls me, just wants to hang out. I say "why not." He comes over WITHOUT his cocaine dealing cousin, and it's instantly awkward, mainly because we have nothing in common to really talk about, and then he starts picking up some of the more expensive things in my apartment, such as my macbook, and asking me how much different items cost. He only hangs around for about 30 minutes and then leaves. He calls me the next day to hang out again, I lie and tell him that I'm not at my apartment. 20 minutes later, I hear a knock at my door, which is double bolt locked. I sneakily peek out of the window, and I see Yoshi's giant Looney Toons jacket. I go to my room, grab my new pistol, and go to the door and cock it one time. Yoshi subsequently leaves.
A few nights later, I get home from hanging out with some friends, its about 1 a.m., and I am slightly hammered. I start playing with my puppy and we get a little loud. He's play growling, and I'm stomping around playing tug-o-war with him. We're having a lot of fun. Suddenly I hear a knock at my door. I instantly know that it's Yoshi. So I do the same thing as last time: grab my pistol, go to the door and cock it one time. This time, I hear pounding footsteps running away from my door and down the stairs. Moments later, I hear footsteps running back up the stairs, towards my door, and then BANG BANG BANG "OPEN UP! IT'S THE POLICE!" I realize at this moment that I did not cock my pistol at Yoshi. I cocked my pistol at a police officer responding to my downstairs neighbor's usual noise complaint.
I start to weigh my options:
1. If I open the door, the cop is going to come in, find my illegal unregistered 9mm (felony), find about 1 lb of weed (felony), and scales with god knows what kind of residue on them (I occasionally dabbled here and there with other substances besides weed), not to mention the fact that I could easily get charged with threatening a cop's life by cocking a pistol at him from the other side of my door.
2. I could try to see what happens if I just don't answer the door, as I usually do.
I go with option 2. I sit on my couch, try to make as little noise as possible, and smoke a bowl. I keep hearing pounding on my door, announcements that it's the cops. The knocks get harder, the yells get louder. It seems like there are multiple cops outside now. I can hear them downstairs talking with that cunt Mr. James. I put my dog in his kennel which was right beside the door, and I start messing with his food from across the room, trying to make him bark and move around in his kennel so that the cop may think that maybe he just heard my dog (instead of the unmistakable sound of a pistol being cocked.. yeah right), and maybe that no one is really home. I hit the bowl one time and coughed. The cops downstairs heard it, and they sounded like a stampede coming up the stairs. They pound and pound on my door, but they still do not force entry into my apartment. This goes on until about 4 a.m. By this time, I have all of my incriminating things put away from plain sight and have gotten in my bed and closed my bedroom door, thinking that maybe if the cops do eventually bust my door in, it will look like I was asleep the whole time, which might make it easier to make them think it was my dog making all the racket(this was a long shot I know, but I didn't have any other options). The next day, my next door neighbor who was a guy about the same age as me, asks me if I saw the SWAT truck outside last night and that there were about 15 men with riot shields and guns in our parking lot facing our doors. He didn't realize that they were there for me. My landlord called me around lunch that day and told me that the police had called and woke her up at 3 a.m. that night, and had asked her to come let them into my apartment. She said that she came over and almost unlocked my door for the police, but for some unknown reason, she ultimately decided against it. I told her that I was not home that night, and that it must have been my dog causing all the ruckus. She never mentioned anything to me about a gun, only that the cops were responding to a noise complaint. I moved out the next week.
Yeah I fucked up, but it could have been much, much worse.
P.S. Sorry there wasn't a climactic shootout or a dramatic trip to jail.
[deleted]: GEORGIA!!!
That's the most crazy-ass state ever. I live in a city name CUMMING. NO TYPO.NO JOKE. CUMMING.
Plus everyone like you has a gun there.
MistressLiliana: Yeah, well, we have Blue Ball. We also have Intercourse. Georgia doesn't have a monopoly on stupid city names.
[deleted]: Do you have a county named Bacon County?
MistressLiliana: Nope, just a Beaver county.
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1411086086 | 1411088783 | t3_2gtbuq | t5_2to41 | 9 | Bleach_Drinker69: TIFU by giving a girl my number at work not realizing the consequences
So I work at a super market and was counting out at the end of my shift two days ago. In comes this girl I work with, shes kinda awkward and I didn't really care because I am probably just as awkward at times. I hardly know her and only talked to her a few times. She goes and asks me for my number. I have no problem with this, since I'm new at this job, I'm kinda happy that someone is cool with texting. It starts off with normal conversations, like whats up, talking about the day at work and school and shit. Then out of fucking no where she tells me I am cute. At first I thought it was good, now I'm freaking out. She keeps flirting with me and I am really not interested at all. I keep trying to turn her off without being too rude or anything, but its not working. Today at work, she keeps talking to me while I am trying to work. I'm not trying to be a dick or anything but she won't leave me alone. Its constant. I can't be at home without her texting me. Now, even at work she's won't leave me alone.
I have no idea what to do. I don't want to be an asshole or anything, but I am just not interested.
My friends keep telling me to say I have a girlfriend or that I am talking to someone, but I don't know if that will resolve the problem, I work with the girl.
tl;dr I gave a girl my number, she wont leave me alone even though I keep trying to turn her off of me. Wtf do I do without being a douche
Update: I ended up unintentionally fixing the problem. I missed a text from her and she ended up pretty much leaving me alone.
whyyounotworking: You should have setup a Google Voice number and given her that. However, since you see her on a daily basis that probably wouldn't have helped much. She would just ask for your "new" number the next time she sees you. You may just want to try not responding for a few hours at a time and say you were busy or some shit, if she asks. A normal person would take a hint. If it continues, just tell her bluntly to lay off on the texting. Last thing... get her number blocked by your cell provider.
Bleach_Drinker69: That's kinda the idea now, but then what happens when I continue to see her at work? I am hoping she gets the hint...
whyyounotworking: At some point, you just have to be a dick to people who can't take a hint. Nice people (like you and I) hate to do it, but some times its the only option.
Bleach_Drinker69: I just hope it doesn't get to that point
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1411068264 | 1411087581 | t3_2gsfh1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Rje45: TIFU by trusting Google Maps when looking for a gas station
Driving across the country in a 17' truck pulling a car on a trailer. Along I40 in Arizona at about 10pm, the Fuel light came on. In this part of the country, there are [really long, long hills](http://i.imgur.com/6HJqDV1.jpg). I was on one of these hills. I was driving alone, so I had to search for a gas station on my phone. My initial search came up with a [gas station about 15 miles up the road](http://i.imgur.com/toBAXgy.jpg).
I turned off the highway and headed down a dark desert road. It quickly became apparent that there was no gas station. But, I had already committed to this road and Google assured me there was another gas station a few more miles down. Suddenly, the road becomes a dirt road and get narrow and bumpy. My trailer is going all over the place, all of my possessions are being thrown about in the truck. Now, it is very clear that Maps lied. I have to find a place to turn around. Another couple of miles down the road, I [found a place to turn around](http://i.imgur.com/DPCXEmt.jpg).
Looking back at the [satellite image of the area](http://i.imgur.com/bheFJyI.jpg), I really should have known. By the time I got back on the highway, the needle was below E. How far? [This far.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuEdU_lrtZk). I managed to get to the real gas station about 10 miles up and as I pulled in, the truck sputtered and jumped. I pulled up on fumes.
imthescatguy1: it might be a [copyright trap](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fictitious_entry)
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Fictitious entry**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fictitious%20entry): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Fictitious entries__, also known as __fake entries__, __Mountweazels__, __ghost words__ and __nihil articles__, are deliberately incorrect entries or articles in reference works such as dictionaries, encyclopedias, maps, and directories. Entries in reference works normally originate from a reliable external source, but no such source exists for a fictitious entry. __Copyright trap__ is a specific case where the motivation for the entry is to detect [plagiarism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plagiarism) or [copyright infringement](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Copyright_infringement).
>The [neologism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neologism) *Mountweazel* was coined by the *[The New Yorker](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_New_Yorker)* based on a fictitious biographical entry in the 1975 *[New Columbia Encyclopedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Columbia_Encyclopedia)*. Another term __nihilartikel__ combines the Latin *nihil* ("nothing") and German *artikel* ("article").
>
---
^Interesting: [^Trap ^street](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trap_street) ^| [^Apopudobalia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apopudobalia) ^| [^Hoax](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoax) ^| [^Stone ^louse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stone_louse)
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| 3 | 2 | |
1411087737 | 1411089628 | t3_2gteic | t5_2to41 | 34 | souwant2bcliche: TIFU by assuming the toilets in my building were "fits it ships" toilets
This happened a few months ago...
I'm a grad student, so I work most weekends. This is important later. Over the summer, I had made it a habit of going poo in the second floor bathroom. It's a single toilet and the best in the building. Knowing I could easily clog my home toilet during my healthy eating binge and having heard from my male friends of the industrial flushing power of the campus toilets, I decided to make using this toilet my routine.
Until the fuck up. This one particular poo did not fit nor ship, thus rendering the toilet useless. It was a Friday afternoon, and the cleaning crew doesn't come in on the weekends. And Monday was a holiday. Ugh. Oh well, I thought. I still had the men's room. Weekends weren't busy, so I wasn't concerned.
Saturday comes around and I use the men's bathroom as a backup. It didn't fit nor ship on Saturday, either. After that, I had to walk to the opposite side of the building and down a floor to use the bathroom until Thursday because they had to call a professional plumber...
TLDR; I took two massive poos and clogged two industrial toilets, eliminating everyone's toilet access on that floor for almost a week.
Teotwawki69: Souwant2bcliche -- Destroyer of Shitters!
souwant2bcliche: The one and only. Don't underestimate a high fiber diet. I stopped eating so much fiber after these two incidents. But I walked by those out of order signs with smug pride.
Dr_AbrahamVaginatits: I'm picturing this walk in slow motion like an action hero who is nonplussed by the huge explosion behind him, for which he was directly responsible
souwant2bcliche: With an internal monologue narrated by Morgan Freeman and you'd be pretty close.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1411089987 | 1411098874 | t3_2gtib4 | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by washing my balls in the sink
My girlfriend spent the night at my place last night and well we had sex and fell asleep right afterwards.
My phone alarm didn't go off the morning after. Mostly because it hates me and it wants me to know that. So by the time I woke up, there wasn't enough time for a shower. I just got up and ran to university to reach my 8 am class in time.
Whilst in class, I notice my own body odour and get increasingly paranoid about it. Not many words can describe the paralyzing horror that takes over your working mind when you are certain that the girl sitting next to you can deeefinitely smell yo dick.
So after what feels like an eternity, the class ends and I jet. I was supposed to meet one of my professors at his office immediately afterwards. Not wanting to share with him the gift of my rancid ball sack stench, I slip into a washroom on the same floor as the prof's office for a quick nut rinse.
Now, this was a single bathroom so I wasn't worried about someone walking in on me washing my balls. So I cordially pulled down my trousers to my arse, placed my bollocks on the sink, and got busy.
As you've probably guessed by now, I absolutely forgot to lock the fucking door.
As I'm washing my dong with soap and water, using both hands I may add, of all the people on this godforsaken floor, the fucking professor I'm supposed to meet in 5 minutes walks right in.
He was halfway through the doorway before spotting me with my trousers down, holding my soapy dick with both hands right over the sink. We maintain eye contact for what I am 60 percent sure was an entire minute before he slowly pulls back his head and walks backwards out of the washroom, quietly closing the door behind him.
Needless to say I didn't go to his office after. fuck this... I'm dropping his class..
MegaNasty: Did you fix that smell tho?
elephanthat: at a cost, but yes.
edit: I think
MegaNasty: Baby wipes bro. Work wonders
Edit: I've gone to work smelling like sex. Baby wipes fixed that.. Real quick.
redditration: I can confirm. Baby wipes work well, and are fairly cheap. They will eradicate cock stank and swass.
MegaNasty: The ones with aloe are nice. Leave a nice cooling sensation on the balls.
redditration: Might have to try them. I have a wedding to attend soon and will definitely need to bring cleanup material.
MegaNasty: Yes you will my friend
| 8 | 3.75 | |
1411084999 | 1411091303 | t3_2gta0x | t5_2to41 | 4 | Hamburger_help_me: TIFU by not logging out of my Google account
So this past week in one of my classes we've been doing a project. On Monday, we were working on the project for the whole period. At my school, there are laptop carts and now we have carts with about 30 Microsoft Surface tablets. So I started to work on the Power Point that I was making for this project, and towards the end of class, I realized that I could't save it to my school account, because they hadn't set up the Surfaces to have different user accounts.
"No problem," I thought to myself, "I'll just save it to my Google Drive" So I logged into my Google account and saved it. Then I put the Surface back in the cart and that was that.
Fast forward to today, we had some notes to do in the class, so I wrote them down and started listening to music. The teacher then told us that we could work on our projects if we wanted to. I decided that I'd do it later at home, so I just put my head down and listened to my music. Just as I'm starting to drift off, I hear someone say, "(my email address)@gmail.com? Who's that?" And then I hear all of the girls around him reading the titles of my emails.
After I heard this, I sat up as calmly as I could, pulled my phone out of my pocket, and went into my Google account settings to change the password and kick them out. Then I heard my teacher ask who was absent today, because she usually just counts the number of students and if her count is lower than the number of kids on her roster, she just asks who's absent. So just after she asks who's absent, one of the girls reading through my emails sees one with my full name, and says, "*Hamburger_help_me?*" So the teacher thinks that the girl was answering her question and goes, "Oh he's absent?" and instead of getting marked absent, I decided to raise my and say, "I'm right here." And as soon as I did, all of the people that were huddled around the guy with the surface just looked away, and the guy just said, "Oh that's you? You left your email logged in." and I just asked him if he could log me out, and he did.
Honestly, it's not as bad as it could have been, because if he'd saved his project to his Google Drive instead of emailing it to himself, he'd have gone to my Google Drive, and then everyone would have seen pictures from my cousin's wedding, pictures of my room, and the one or two porn vids I had saved on there.
TL;DR I left my google account open to be judged by my fellow classmates.
K3NN3Y: Why do you keep porn on Google Drive? That doesn't seem to be too convenient anyway...
Hamburger_help_me: I really don't know, I guess I just had a few vids that I put on it, I sure as hell don't keep them there anymore though.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411090614 | 1411091811 | t3_2gtje9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | WistfulRobot: TIFU by getting my bosses favorite thing stuck 50 ft high
This happened about 30 minutes ago. It was 8:55, my shift was about to end and I had everything cleaned up and was ready to close the building up. Out of boredom I decided to start tossing around a small panda bear stuffed puppet I found lying around. The roof at my workplace is about 60 ft high and there are small windows all the way up there. I tried to touch the roof with the panda bear and it ended up getting stuck up on one of the windowsills. I showed my coworkers thinking nothing of it and they started to freak out and told me that I was my bosses favorite thing and that he has a passion for panda bears. One of them even said to start looking for a new job. Fuck my god damn fucking life. This bitch which I deeply despise started to take pictures of it and sent them to my boss. Fuck. I texted my boss and I'm shitting bricks waiting for his reply. God Damn I didn't think it would end in such a stupid way.
[deleted]: Get a ladder and a stick
WistfulRobot: Our tallest ladder doesn't even get me half way
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411091325 | 1411096585 | t3_2gtkkh | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently going down the Bovril Boulevard
First some important info: currently on holiday with gf and her family, her family is religious, she isn't nor am I...
So, this morning I was woken up by my girlfriend who was really in the mood for sex and obviously I wasn't going to turn it down, so we strip down and go at it on the bed but decide to move onto the floor because the bed is really squeaky and we don't want her mom hearing us.
Anyway, her favourite position is doggy but with her lying down (important I guess) so we have at it briefly when I suddenly pull out because I swear I heard someone walking up the stairs but my girlfriend reassures me that I'm hearing things and everyone is downstairs.
So in my half asleep state, I slip it back in; butt it feels different and I can't seem to figure out why, but I don't have much time to think as my girlfriend literally slithers away across the room in an instant, squirming on the floor - like an earthworm come up from the heavy rain; butt naked and screaming and crying as if she is about to be murdered.
I jump up as I hear someone running upstairs, frantically trying to put on some clothing and tell my girlfriend to ignore it for a second so she can get something on but I can't because my ability to speak is so succumbed by my histerical laughter... deep down I know it's too late.
And as thought, not even 2 seconds later her mom barges into the room with a pan, thinking I had attempted to kill her daughter in some psycho outlash, only to find her earthworm daughter on the floor still unaware of what is going on and her half naked boyfriend laughing uncontrollably while staring her in the eye.
Her mom wasn't happy, nor can I blame her for thinking I tried to kill her daughter or something, I'm South African - she probably thought I was Oscar Pistorius reincarnated.
And so Reddit, that is how my holiday got cut in half and my girlfriend got her first hemorrhoid.
Biscuitbaiter: Fuck it, if vacation is in jeopardy anyways might as well of offered her mom to finish you off. "Whatcha gonna wack with that pan ma'am "?
Pyromaniacghoul: Can confirm she is a milf. Good thinking
Biscuitbaiter: Hey I am just here to ensure that everyone leaves this vacation with the lightest load as possible tehehe.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1411094331 | 1411144240 | t3_2gtpfp | t5_2to41 | 4 | picardsthrowaway: TIFU by picking up a girl
So, like many TIFU posts, this happened about two years ago.
I had just started seeing this girl, nothing serious, just casual (really just to bone after a glass of wine and a movie).
Well, this is where my fuck up started. We were getting into it after working ourselves up throughout the movie we were watching, so we switched to the bedroom. All is well and dandy, and we are having fun. To note, we are being a little more rough than usual, rolling around, and then it happens. I go to hold her as she arches her back off the side of the bed, my sweaty, spaghetti-filled hands slip, and BAM! she tumbles to the floor, bouncing her head like it was a watermelon falling off the counter. This was not good. I start laughing, she starts crying. We don't finish.
The denouement: We find some nighttime advil, and sleep. Wake up, we break up, and I lose my best fwb I have ever had.
weoewopwe: Was there any sauce involved?
[deleted]: Yeah, what's the sauce
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411094188 | 1411099423 | t3_2gtp7w | t5_2to41 | 6 | SageofVictor: Tifu by losing my keys in my car.
I have a Nissan Versa 2008. Blue. Today I wore gym shorts because I felt like a gangsta and that's what gangstas do in this part of Texas.
I go pick up my girlfriend (secretly, without my parents' or bosses' knowledge. I was skipping out on both because it had been a full two weeks since we'd seen each other (shocking) and this weekend we were going to go on a picnic, put together a Metal Earth, a puzzle or two, maybe even try and compose a song for the lawls.
I'm getting out of the car and unpacked her stuff, press the button to lock the car--- *beepbeepbeepbeepbeep*-- which is car speak for "you forgot your keys in the car dumbass."
I check my pockets, and sure enough they don't have my car key.
This was 5 hours ago. I've since cleaned my car spotless. I've checked between the seat and the hub(parking break, shifter, thing where my elbow goes), under the rugs, under the seat, under the passenger seat, in the hatchback area, under the car. Can't find the dongle.
Here's the kicker: I go to the ignition to check to see if maybe I left it behind and I had mis translated the beeps. Nope- car starts. I step away and have my girlfriend try- yup, car starts.
So- somewhere in my spotless car is the key. Which means anybody can walk right in and drive away.
UPDATE: Found the dongle.
It had fallen under the passenger side chair... Under the built-in-carpet. I had to cut open the material to get to it. #carDevalued
NinjaGoddess: What'd you say the license plate was again?
Burtry: SxySocrMom
| 3 | 2 | |
1411097394 | 1411097871 | t3_2gtu6d | t5_2to41 | 2 | HunterGatherer371: TIFU by trying to crack open a beer with my phone.
I hadn't even started drinking yet. It was my first beer of the day. When I was in high school, I learnt the nifty little lighter trick and have since become obsessed with opening beer bottles with objects not even remotely constructed for that purpose. Once or twice, back when I had an iPhone, I did this to no consequence. Buuuuuuuut I downgraded at some point to a Windows Phone made of much less resilient material and as it turns out, it wasn't the best idea. The screen shattered immediately. It was one of the most thoughtless things I have ever done.
aerial1981: I have a feeling this is a sneaky ad for iphone.
HunterGatherer371: According to data (and stuff), /r/TIFU is an untapped gold mine of potential iPhone users!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411098827 | 1411142210 | t3_2gtvvp | t5_2to41 | 212 | DeafGamerDucky: TIFU: Scared my mother to death and cops were called. (not prank gone wrong kind)
First of all I am new to this subreddit so thank you for warm welcomes in advance. My native language is ASL (America Sign Language) and second language is English so forgive my grammar mistakes! As for now, I am not sure if it should be today I fucked up or yesterday I fucked up so here I go. My weight is 220 (fat. Not muscle). My age is 21. I haven't work out much due Cholinergic Urticaria hot case however recent started to taking Allegra since it does work for me.
/
Last night at about 10 pm EST, I decided I want to go out for walk so I informed my mother that I was going out for walk. I took wallet with me. Bare that in mind, I didn't take phone with me because I don't have phone service for while. After walked for about half hour, I decided I want to go to gas station for beer or any alcohol I can find. I had $15 with me. So I went to first one that are near my home (About 30 mins walk straight) and found out it is closed after 10 pm. Then I went to second gas station (About 20 mins walk from first gas station) and found out that they are closed too. I figured I should go to Walmart but knew it would be pretty far but why not. Night was very cool enough for me to wear t-shirt and short and sandal. It was actually first further walk I ever done since 2 years (thanks to Cholinergic Urticaria). Took about two hours from home to Walmart on foot. I arrived at Walmart at midnight. I went in and bought Hurricane cocktail and birthday cake oreo because I never try these before. Spent $13 on both items and sat down for rest for bit. I ate one oreo and thought they are amazing. I stood up and started to walk back to home. On halfway back to home, my brother parked his girlfriend's car and told me to get in. Mother was in car too. She asked me where the hell I was and I told her Walmart. She said "Who the hell want walk that far! For fucking cocktail and oreo! I called cops to look for you! Jesus Christ, you got to let me know before you go that far!" something along line like that. So we went home and mom called to inform them that I am home sound and safe. Few moments later, my sister came home with her boyfriend and a friend. We all smoked the trees and drank the alcohol drinks. I woke up this morning with painful headache and most mother of god painful in my both thighs! So hard to walk with pain like these! I walked just like my ass being fucked. (Not that I experience before. Just an expression.)
/
I went to Walmart without inform my mother where I was going, got cops called and had mother and brother go out and look for me. Had hangover this morning along with painful thighs. It is not what I want to look forward in my life.
/
As for my mother. I know it is unusually for mother to worry about 21 years old deaf son go out at late night but mom is mom. Can't blame her for being overprotective.
DeadlyDictator: Is it weird that I read this whole thing in a russian accent?
yes_it_is_weird: #
DeadlyDictator: lol what
KaptnBlaubaer: Just a bot that replies whenever someone asks "is it weird...?"
Bakiratina: Is it weird that the bot may reply to this?
yes_it_is_weird: #
Spiritgoder: Is it weird that it is weird?
yes_it_is_weird: #
cinema_diver: Is it weird that I kinda want Oreo cake and a cocktail now…
yes_it_is_weird: #
HeyitsGray: Is it weird that none of this is really weird?
Laklod: no
| 13 | 16.307692 | |
1411096889 | 1411106883 | t3_2gttdu | t5_2to41 | 6 | nikp43: TIFU by playing with my dog
So I have this large furry dog and I take her on walks every morning through the woods behind our house. It’s pretty heavily forested, and there are lots of critters to sniff around for so my dog loves it.
In the past week my dog has been disappearing into the brush and coming back with her back covered in mud. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but when I came home I realized that she smelled terrible- like a truly rotten, gagging terrible smell. Unfortunately, I had already been playing with my dog, and she had rubbed up against my jeans. I was now covered in the smelly mud. I gave my dog a bath, but didn’t worry about it too much. The next two walks though, my dog managed to run out of my sight and come back covered in the black mud again. Washing her I managed to also get covered in the stuff again.
I vowed this morning to find out where she was going, and kept her on her leash until we came into the spot where she had been rolling. It was the partially decomposed remains of a small animal. Probably a squirrel, but all I could see was a big pile of black goo.
The dog had tracked this stuff into the house and gotten the smell everywhere. I had it all over my jeans.
The realization came this morning and I'm still traumatized.
kaosdaklown: It could be worse. i had a dog dig up anothers dogs corpse and start munching it. I found out right after letting him eat from my fork.
nikp43: Oh god.
Honestly it wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't so freaking *pleased with herself*
oldschooI: My dog loves rolling around in poo, and dead animals. He's a puppy Saint-Bernard. 70 kilos. Yeah. Stopping him from rolling is impossible.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411093041 | 1411160004 | t3_2gtnf3 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU (It was actually a substitute teacher who did this) by forcing the kids to break Muslim ethics.
Blackflag421: The sub would be in trouble, not him.
PopsicleIncorporated: Valid point, but I won't pretend that the United States' judicial system is solid.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411101933 | 1411206969 | t3_2gu0bu | t5_2to41 | 7 | somechubbychick: TIFU by throwing up on my boyfriends dick
Boyfriend initiated sexy time tonight, and since I'm not feeling 100% I offered to give him a bj. I LOVE giving head. And even though hes the first and only guy I've been with, I kinda like to think my ability to control my gag reflex when deep throating is pretty good, considering I'm a noob.
I like hair pulling, forced deep throating, etc. I said to him, "make me do whatever you need" so he proceeds to ram his dick into my throat. I'm enjoying it, he's enjoying it, but all of a sudden my mouth is full of warm liquid. He stops and asks, "...did you just throw up on my dick?" And I pull away, holding the vomit in my mouth, run off to the bathroom, then come back, ready for round 2.
Unfortunately, the mood was killed, so instead we just rolled around in bed laughing our asses off. This has never happened to me before, but thankfully he took it like a champ and didn't make me feel like shit.
So today I did kinda fuck up by throwing up on his dick, but 9/10, will definitely do again :P
Mind_blower_: Can you guys please help me decode "gnfb th b rglp. ywng n nbf nn." The vowels are just taken out, thanks!
blackyezzuz: Gag sounds I think ..
Am a god
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411102469 | 1411104385 | t3_2gu142 | t5_2to41 | 24 | tifuthrowawayala: TIFU and likely broke off a week old engagement
This happened 24 hours back and my brain is finally close to 100%.
I'm working on a major project with a pretty large team the far corner of the country. We're all working 80 hour weeks and far away from the family. We've bonded really well as a team and it shows with the work we have been producing over the last 4 months. Our customer is starting to love us.
IFU last night. One of my team members, a gorgeous woman fresh out of university joined this team over ridiculous over achievers. She is trying her best to fit in and mentioned to us that she got engaged the weekend before. Last night was a late evening and we wrapped up in the office at 9pm, headed to a brewpub to grab some grub and beer. I was the designated driver, so stopped after one. So Sally and James, another colleague, empty 2 pitchers of beer.
The intention was to head over to the hotel and get some more work down for a significant presentation the next morning. But that was not to be. Sally grew up in a repressed and conservative family and she was really excited to "party" with us. I had a large suite, so we headed there and grabbed a more beer and shots on the way.
We down perhaps 3-4 more beers and the music comes on and we're dancing. We drink more beer and I'm pretty hammered at this point. James is close to passing out and out of the blue he decides to drunk call his wife and heads out to the hallway. Sally is still dancing with me and it's starting to get quite sensual. She whispers that she had been saving herself for after marriage, but did not want to miss out on all this fun.
My addled brain didn't comprehend what she was saying, so she took a direct approach and asked me take her white silk shirt off. I do and she is like putty in my hands. Within minutes she naked and still dancing with all her clothes strewn about the room. James comes back into the room; he'd left the security latch thing on. He sees us and undoes the security latch and walks out. Doesn't say a word, but gives me the Ebert thumbs up.
We ended up in bed in a little while and had some really filthy sex twice. I can't recall when it had been this kind of acrobatics for a this late 30 year old. At about 3am we'd sobered up, got out senses back, she got dressed and left. I then remembered that she was engaged...
I had a horrible haze and hangover through a critical customer presentation. I told them I was under the weather when they asked if I was ok. It's about 24 hours later and I can still feel the effect from last night.
All day Sally has avoided but I need to work with her because she needs to get some of the administrative work done, but I'm not sure if she'll break down if I approach her. James walked by earlier in the morning and wanted to high five me, but I wasn't in the mood because...
I feel like a miserable shit because I think I just ruined a couple's life. TIFU real badly.
witchling_22: Ummm. I think you *both* fucked up. Equally.
tifuthrowawayala: I was supposed to be the more mature one here. Crap.
witchling_22: She knew damned well she was engaged. It's one thing for you to forget that she was, but a woman doesn't forget that shit.
Source: am woman
| 4 | 6 | |
1411093280 | 1411112248 | t3_2gtnt2 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my laptop in my car.
I'll keep it short and sweet. I'm a senior in high school and take my laptop to school for my graphic design and programming classes. I'm also taking some community college afternoon/evening classes, which I commute to on the days I have class. I keep my college stuff in a string bag in my car, and usually leave my backpack in the trunk, which has my high school stuff. Well, I just got out of my community college class and my car was broken into and ransacked. They even took my fucking blanket. My god damn car blanket. Thankfully all my stuff was backed up but now I'm out a laptop, and have no way to buy a new one given my current financial situation. Fuck.
citan_uzuki: I'm sorry OP. Did you file a report with the cops and campus PD? In cases like this, recovery software like Prey could help aid in finding the laptop.
AWildAmericanApeared: No such software. It's encrypted too.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1411103784 | 1411104680 | t3_2gu2ue | t5_2to41 | 2 | shwag945: TIFU by trying to tell a girl i liked her.
I am cringing just writing this. Also sorry for the wall of text.
This happened like 9ish years ago when i was in 7th grade. Ever since about 1st grade I have been attracted to the fairer sex and have literally and figuratively chased after them. Dirty blonds (as in the hair color) have been immensely attractive to me and Shannon was all that i thought about from about 5-7th grade. I was in 'love' with this girl. She was extremely nice to me and always smiled at me whenever i saw her. This meant a lot to me as i was bullied a lot.
I should also note that I stammer when i get excited/stressed. At that time talking in front of multiple people made my words tumble over each other like well like tumble weed.
Now this incident happened at the stereotypical middle school dance that our school had twice a year. These dances included pizza, tons of snacks, 50 Cent, white people who could not dance (for example me), overly dressed up tweens, my friends who talked about magic cards and black holes, and slow dances with uncomfortable distances between the participants. I had finally summed up the strength to confess to her and I had gone over the plan over in my head about a million times. I was going to tell her when we were slow dancing when i felt it could come out naturally.
Also it should be noted that this is the type of things I [wore](http://imgur.com/ZsQ4PJO) to these dances. I do believe that this picture is sixth grade, but I probably wore the same thing or a cheesy Hawaiian shirt. Thanks mom.
So my moment had come. I waited to have my turn to dance with Shannon and now my hands on her waist and her arms were on my shoulders. I look into her eyes to confess and said,
"I know you like me."
She immediately ripped her arms away from me and said loudly "WHAT? I DON'T!" I stood there frozen my heart literally hurting. I had tried to say "I like you" and I was thinking "I hope she likes me" and those thoughts came together to form my most cringy middle school moment. I had a panic attack the rest of the night and killed my confidence to ask girls out for at least 2 years. A part of me died that night.
Shannon was really cool about it after the dance. She never brought it up and despite some amount of awkwardness was still nice to me. She also didn't tell anyone as far as I could because no one else talked to me about it or looked at me weird. I still felt that she might have seen me as a creep after that night so I didn't try to ask her out and tried to forget her.
TLDR: Tried to tell my biggest crush that I liked her and ended up sounding like a creepy asshole with way too much confidence in myself.
[deleted]: Oh honey...I've been the girl in this scenario and handled it with far less grace than Shannon, and cringed about it ever since. Why the cringing? Because I liked him back but had no idea how to respond to HIM liking ME so I freaked out and said I didn't like him and was pretty mean about it because I was just so ashamed of myself. Middle school is a hard life stage for everybody. I'm sure you've got crazy game these days.
shwag945: These days I can flit like crazy and get positive responses (making out or talking and having fun all nighht) but I for some reason can't get girls to go on actual dates with me or second dates so yea a small step better but i still suck.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411104276 | 1411262170 | t3_2gu3il | t5_2to41 | 7 | an_unexpected_boner: TIFU by having crazy sex, passing out and smashing my face on a door
I am a 24 yr old male.
This happened 2 days ago.
Now usually when I bone, I go to the point where I'm about to pass out right before I cum. Then afterwards I'm a lil dizzy and lose my hearing.
Well two nights ago me and this girl bone, it was intense , splooged everywhere. We take a shower, then go outside to smoke a stogie, as soon as I walk back inside I start to feel really dizzy and nauseous. I start to walk towards the bathroom and all of a sudden everything goes black and I lose all ability to catch my fall. I fall face first into the corner of a door and a wall, so my face basically hit the trim running up the door, I collapse on the ground and immediately wake up. Blood everywhere and I just feel super dizzy. Had to sit there for a solid 15 minutes laughing/recovering.
It has since scared me cuz I have no idea what happened physically to my body that caused this. Me and this girl have a cool relationship so she's okay with what happened haha.
Maybe not really a tifu
krhaert1: You may have blood pressure issues. Sounds similar to an issue someone I know was having and that was the doctor results. It can be serious if not addressed.
an_unexpected_boner: Yeah I heard it couldve been the cigaratte which stimulates, and I was drinking heavily before hand which was a suppressant or whatever. Plus I hadn't eatin in 13 hrs
krhaert1: But you mentioned having issues with almost passing out right before you climax before this too. And the cigarettes could be effecting your blood pressure too. Get it checked out. You are young, but that doesn't mean you are impervious. Not trying to get you worked up, but this could be important.
an_unexpected_boner: Would simply getting my blood pressure checked be sufficient?
krhaert1: It could be a start. But they would do stress tests, to simulate similar level of exertion, and then test your blood pressure. This would be safer in a controlled environment with trained professionals. I know it probably seems like a waste of money but start with a consoltation with a general practitioner and they can tell you if they think you need to check into it further. If you don't have a general practitioner or insurance there are a lot of good walk in clinics popping up in bigger cities that are not too expensive.
an_unexpected_boner: Cool thanks:)
| 7 | 1 | |
1411105015 | 1411146875 | t3_2gu4hw | t5_2to41 | 15 | barcatrojan: TIFU by sending a dick pic to my father in law
It was not my dick, but my friends and i think dick pics are hilarious, especially odd ones. My father in law is very conservative and generally has no sense of humor. I got the dick pic text from a friend, i copied it to send it to another friend of mine. My wife was talking about her parents anniversary. I dont know WHY, but i just typed my father in law's name, pasted the picture and hit send then immediately yelled FUCK ME. My father in law is not taking calls from my wife or I. I will be in the dog house till 2015!
Extinguisher312: Well, I guess you two have something to talk about at family Thanksgiving.
barcatrojan: IF i am invited - doubtful- , but i like your glass-half-full outlook!
Extinguisher312: Family feuds?
barcatrojan: Last man standing?
| 5 | 3 | |
1411108998 | 1411148862 | t3_2gu92a | t5_2to41 | 83 | TheGreatElicitator: TIFU by playing twister.
Me and two of my friends (both girls - One of 'em I'm very attracted to.) decided to play twister on the roof of my house. They were both kind of drunk from before, where as I was pretty sober due to being on antibiotics.
Just for context, I'm a man with an extremely small bladder, of which I have no control. (Well yeah, you may know where this is going now...)
Moving on, things began to heat up during this twisted game of twister. It was almost like a porno being shot but soon everything, literally everything went to shit.
We all got entangled in a position where the girl's hand (whom I was attracted to) was adjacent to my right foot and her head was near my groin. I burst out laughing to dismiss the sexual vibes of the situation. Well, this triggered a reaction in my body which led to my sphincter to open up all valves and let the warm river flow right on her hand.
After the awkard moment of silence, I pretend to be dumbfounded by the situation and start gazing at the sky. I pretended like I knew nothing about what just happened and I told them I should go to bed as I have work early morning.
She hasn't said a word to me since that day.
Well Reddit, I fkd up.
tl;dr : Played twister with cute girl only to leave her right hand on yellow.
PS: First post, don't rip me apart.
yourtokenblackfriend: Now you know she doesn't like golden showers. At least you got that awkward question out of the way on the first date.
TheGreatElicitator: I was saving it for marriage, at least now there shouldn't be any surprises.
Shittymobileacct: Marriage sounds like a lucky gal
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1411109807 | 1411113161 | t3_2gu9ub | t5_2to41 | 11 | ollieduke1: TIFU- Bought an iPhone 5s Yesterday.
I was waiting patiently and saving up for the new iPhone 6! Im not due for an upgrade until the end of the year. As I was browsing Reddit last night my phone was in my lap.. and it fell off and hit the floor. It worked just fine except for one major thing- the touchscreen wouldn't respond. Went to the Apple store and had no choice but to purchase an old refurbished iPhone 5S for $300.
WilliamRaine: Sure you had a choice. You could have gotten a free flip phone.
[deleted]: yep. I have a $14 phone that has survived going through the washer and dryer twice.
GaryraG: Return it!!!!!
[deleted]: it still works, except for one scroll button.
GaryraG: Thought you were OP...
hah
Telling him to return it, he still can
[deleted]: :)
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1411109988 | 1411117370 | t3_2gua0w | t5_2to41 | 12 | Hunchmine: TIFU by pissing in a handicap stall
* I'm at a rest stop in NJ
* Go to bathroom
* State trooper is also in bathroom
* Walk into handicap stall...coz fuck urinals.
* Walk out wash hands and head to exit.
* State trooper taps me on shoulder.
* I ask what's up? He says "What stall did you use in there?"
* I realized at that SECOND what he was up to and said "You're kidding right?"
* He asked for my ID, which I gave, and he wrote me a ticket
* "Violation of designated handicap facilities"
TIFU by pissing.....
like seriously. . . . I Don't even know how to feel man.
**EDIT**
I called the attorney I have on retainer for my company.
He laughed, told me he'll take care of everything, and the cop is going to get a short paid vacation at his desk
for a bit.
**EDIT2**
There IS no law stating that the stall is RESERVED ONLY for the Handicapped. u/molndane down below is right on point.
molndane: Fight that ticket!
Under the Americans with Disabilities Act facilities are to be readily accessible to and usable by individuals with disabilities; These requirements are the minimum federally-enforced rules set forth by the Americans with Disabilities Act. Individual states may or may not have stricter sets of handicap parking regulations.
Also the Act defines disability as the following:
The term "disability" means, with respect to an individual
(A) a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more of the major life activities of such individual;
(B) a record of such an impairment; or
(C) being regarded as having such impairment.
ChroniclesIY: So you are telling the OP to fight the ticket by claiming he is disable in the court of law. You are asking him to lie in court by saying he is mentally disabled (i presume physical disability is quite hard to lie about). Which would then require him to go to psychiatrists and pay up to get certified as mentally impaired. just to avoid a ticket...
Also if he wins, his mental disability will then go on his record for better or worst (possible ramifications in future cases).
molndane: Did you read the description of the word disability? If he is literally bothered by using urinals, he can claim that as his reason.
ChroniclesIY: You do know you have to provide some proof of disability... You would have to pay for a psychiatrist to certify you of your disability..
The burden is on you to show proof of the defence with which you want to claim..
molndane: People have gotten disabilities for dumber reasons than his. If he proves a phobia then he's golden. Also according to the disabilities act "restrooms are to be maintained and usable for persons with disabilities" nowhere in the act does it say they need to be "reserved". What do I know, I just read a book on law. Try'n to help the guy ya know?
ChroniclesIY: That is true, people have gotten disabilities for way dumb reasons... But I don't want OP to post TIFU i tried to lie in court and am going to jail for perjury..
He was charged not with the disabilities act but with "Violation of designated handicap facilities" which might be a legit law in that state, with nothing to do with the disabilities act.
Would agree with /u/dbarefoot to look up the law which he broke.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1411111918 | 1411138086 | t3_2gubxc | t5_2to41 | 32 | NoWayBehind: TIFU by waiting for an iphone
So,
Im german and I have been looking forward to the release of the iPhone for a long time now. I read all about how few iphones are getting delivered to the different stores (macrumors forum kinda went crazy). That is why I decided to stand up early in the morning(5 am this morning) in order to get an iphone. Should be hard to get here aswell, right?
Guess what? I have been waiting in front of the store since 5.30 am, while the rain and the wind was blowing around my nose, and now it is 9.30 am and there is still NO FREAKING SOUL HERE YET. 4 hours!!!
So, I have been waiting alone in front of the store while getting destroyed by the weather and the hard ground I am still sitting on.
Tl ;Dr Til I am an idiot
ChroniclesIY: when no one else appeared you should have gone home and just waited at home...
NoWayBehind: But you can never know when other people will get there too. Imagine you go home and two minutes later a group of people arrives , and then you wasted your time AND you did not get what you want :D (If there is only a very limited amount of phones, and there was btw :P )
Raenning: Did you get one at least?
numbslyde: I'd like to think that he's still there. Waiting.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1411112966 | 1411119768 | t3_2gucxa | t5_2to41 | 4 | Katana0: TIFU by attempting to listen to porn on my old phone (totally safe for work)
Technically a post from yesterday, but it was only an hour or so ago so I'll still consider it today. And yes, there is a reason I delineate religious affiliations.
It has been a long day for me (23M, Agnostic). Chronic back pain, shitty paychecks, and trying to make up for said shitty paychecks by putting in extra time at work (thus causing more pain) were about what my day was made up of. So it was almost midnight; I was thinking of wrapping things up with a trip over to /r/gonewildaudio to calm my nerves and clear my mind before I go to bed.
I'd usually use my tablet, but I've been taking it to school with me and I'd rather that not show up on my tablet's history for my friends to 'find'. And then it hits me: I aught to use my old iPhone 4 that has been collecting dust on my computer table since I upgraded. Still connects to the house Wifi, and should work just fine! Only one problem it seems...
See, my sister is 13, and it seems that she has taken to being a thief. She has waited until I left for work or school and taken a different tablet or other internet capable device a total of four times now. I'm so paranoid that my shit is getting violated while I'm gone that I've taken to activating a small keylogger on my PC that I found the code for floating around (that saves the keystrokes discreetly, but locally) when I go out for extended periods of time. Most of her documented activity is stuff like ifunny and youtube, but apparently she's discovered the power of incognito tabs.
The last thing she pilfered was my old iPhone, and as I turned it on I began to wonder what it was that she had been doing that was so important that she had to steal to get to it... And this is where I fucked up. I started looking through the pictures. Nothing there that I didn't take. Thinking I was clear, I opened Chrome. It appeared that more than one tab was open, but there was only one normal tab open. I had never used incognito tabs on a mobile device before, so it took me a second, but when I swiped over to them, I saw two things open. First her email account, and second, a Yahoo group called "Teens4Satan". It appears to be some sort of weird satanist group for teens... I've known actual satanists and I'm pretty sure what this group is presenting is *completely* different from the accepted belief system.
Of course, I had to show it to my mom (devout Christian). Of course, my sister left her email open and logged in (because as sneaky as she tries to be, she is still absolute shit when it comes to information security) and apparently she's been trying to contact this group for months and talking about how Christianity is bullshit and Satanism is *way* better, all while assuring my poor old mother that she *loves* to go to church. Not sure what is going to happen, only that my mom is **pissed** and that things are likely about to become very different for my sister.
**TL;DR: TIL my sister is an occultist!**
_SadWalrus_: Please tell me your sister is no longer a minor and dependent on mom. Why would you out her? I'm an atheist and had to keep it secret until I graduated and could get out before saying anything.
Katana0: Why would I out her? Because she's 13 and getting into some dangerous stuff. Apparently she's got some girlfriend (she's bi) that is 'teaching her stuff'. Apparently much older. Other times when she has stolen my tablets she has been talking to older guys who were asking for pictures of her and whatnot.
My mom is pretty chill about people having different belief systems than her own. I told her I wasn't Christian anymore around the same age and although she wasn't happy, nothing bad came of it. She even stopped taking me to church! The main difference there is that I wasn't getting 'involved' with people over the internet who were much older than I was.
_SadWalrus_: Makes sense. Hope everything works out for your family.
| 4 | 1 | |
1411115723 | 1411387962 | t3_2gufag | t5_2to41 | 297 | [deleted]: Tifu.... By talking about my dick
Today I fucked up! I was hanging out with friends and my brother. We were all drinking. They were all talking about fucking , not each other just stories from the past. I was drunk and in my own little world. I heard one of them mention peeing after sex " to clear the pipes". Then I chimed in with "What are you talking about there's different holes for that!" The six of them looked at me like was the dumbest person ever. My brother asked "what are you talking about". I explained to all of them that pee and seman come out of different holes. I got that same look again. Turns out that I'm the only one in the group that has two weiner holes! I thought it was normal. I'm almost 30 and never knew you should only have one.
Edit: People asked for pics, if you wanna look here it is http://imgur.com/MyOolgs
[deleted]: This has ruined the rest of my life. I shall forever be looking for two holed penises.
etchtech12: What will you do with it when you find it? I am asking for a friend.
[deleted]: Tell your friend I'll do some serious investigation as to which hole is for which.
Ulkreghz: Would that be a sort of 'kids in the sandbox' approach?
[deleted]: How did you know?
| 6 | 49.5 | |
1411116230 | 1411155419 | t3_2gufpd | t5_2to41 | 10 | Lesbinian: TIFU by choosing specific porn on a rough night [NSFW]
I'll start off by saying while my username is accurate, I usually watch gay porn. Now that's out of the way:
I've been stressed out lately, and tonight I was looking for some *relief.* I don't usually seek out porn by actor, but in a video I watched last week there was this extremely fit, handsome man - so I saved his name on a secret file on my computer.
Tonight, I was on RedTube and thought *hey, why not look up that porn star from last week?* as I remembered I have his name saved. I search him up, find one of his videos, and after schlicking I go back to the search results. I noticed one result looked different than the others; like a photoshoot of some sort, and combined with the title I figured it must be some NSFW music video.
I clicked on it. It was a music video with a pretty intense song and video, including the porn star, and it wasn't overly sexual - considering I was on a porn site. Rather confused by this, I searched the musician on Youtube to see if he had music there. The same [music video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOpkr8uNWpk) was there, and in the description was "Dedicated to the memory of Arpad Miklos" - The porn star. For some reason this caught me off guard, so I went to said porn star's [Wikipedia page.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arpad_Miklos) It turns out he committed suicide. As I'm very sensitive to the subject of suicide, I promptly started crying.
Tl;Dr: Had a rough week, decided to watch porn. I searched up porn actor, did some research - found out he killed himself. One minute I was cumming, the next minute I was crying.
masterofwolves: Hey, I'm bipolar and I know all about suicide (never attempted but got very close). If you need someone to talk to I'm here.
Lesbinian: Thank you, I really appreciate that hun.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1411117787 | 1411164504 | t3_2guh40 | t5_2to41 | 45 | TIFUThrowAway336: TIFU by going to see my ex.
Before I get started as most fuck ups here this happened in the not too distant past, also sorry for the length of this post, hopefully some of you have the time to read it.
So, 21 year old me, decided not to go out at the weekend, instead I got myself a pizza and played some FIFA, it gets to around 11PM and my phone lights up, I glance over to see who it was and it was Anna, it was the usual slightly intoxicated text from an ex, I miss you, I've been so sad etc etc. This my fellow Reddit users, is where my fuck up begins. I grab my phone and shoot out a reply, something along the lines of 'you need to get over it, you can't keep messaging me stuff like this it messes with my head' and I place my phone back down.
About half an hour passes and my phone lights up again and once again it's her, she seemed to have sobered up a bit by this point, not as many spelling mistakes, kisses, stuff drunk people send it texts basically. So anyway we continue to exchange messages for a while, she starts telling how she's horny and wants me to go fuck her since she's not had sex since we broke up. For the record neither had I so I was equally as horny. But by this time midnight has passed and I'm in bed about ready for sleep, she tells me all kind of dirty things she wants to do and eventually convinces me to go around. So I quickly jump out of bed, clean my teeth and get dressed, hop in the car and drive to her house, about 20minutes drive away.
I arrive at Anna's place and let her know I'm there, she tells me just to let myself in(the door was unlocked). So I go in, kick off my shoes and she tells me she's upstairs. So I fly up those stairs because all I've got on my mind right now is sex. I go in her room, she's already naked with a condom ready. No prizes to guess what happens next so ill just skip,
It was pretty average anyway nothing like she said she wanted to do and blah. I finish up and as far as I'm concerned I've done what I came to do and was getting ready to go back home. I get up to leave and she runs in front of the door way, asks me where I'm going, so I tell her I was going home since I was only there since she asked for sex, nothing more. She starts crying, asking my why we had to break up. I'm tired as fuck and just want to go to sleep, I told her I didn't love her anymore and I didn't want to be with her, but she keeps repeating the question, refusing to move, this goes on for about 10 minutes.
Eventually I convince her that I just wanted to get downstairs and put my shoes on, so I dart downstairs grab my shoes and bail, into my car and shoot off home, I get home to see I've got about 10 missed calls and countless more messages, there was no way I was about to start reading those, clever me decides to put my phone on silent and shove it in my drawer so it doesn't wake me from my beauty sleep. I wake up the next day with around 80/90 missed calls and about 50 texts, mostly off her. I just delete them without reading, block her number etc etc.
Fast forward a month or so, my phone rings with a withheld number, curiosity gets the better of me so I answer, it's her. I hang up, she's rings again this goes on all night, well actually it went on for about a month, non-stop phone calls, reaching into the hundreds each day. Then out of the blue it just stops. No calls for about two-three weeks brilliant she's taken the hint. Then I get another call, I answer it and a female voice(Anna's) 'can you stop calling at stupid times in the morning you're waking up the baby'. Alarm bells instantly. This resulted in more arguing and me eventually changing my number, something I wish now I had done in the first place.
And that my friends, is why you never stick you dick in crazy. It's not worth it, ever.
TLDR; stuck dick in crazy. Crazy made life hell.
EDIT: To this day I don't know if she was trolling about having a baby, no social services/child maintenance have tried to contact me so I assume it was just another attempt to get me back into her life or something.
0xyidiot: Im confused... What? So she calls you bunch then stops then calls again and suddenly... baby?
BurnYourLifeDown: I'm confused too, she calls and says to him to stop calling because it's waking the baby? What? Maybe I'm being completely stupid but I'm confused as all hell
TIFUThrowAway336: All I can assume is that she thought she could trick me into thinking she had a baby. Try and convince me that it was mine and that I'd go back to her.
BurnYourLifeDown: But she called you and told you to stop calling her? That's what I don't get
TIFUThrowAway336: Ahh I see, yeah I never called her, I didn't even have her number, she called off a unknown number.
iliketowearhoodies: Sounds like she was just a fuckin nut case.
| 7 | 6.428571 | |
1411120102 | 1411136062 | t3_2guj2a | t5_2to41 | 29 | Fracter: TIFU by not looking at my top after running.
I'm typing this just after it happened, this has to be shared. Okay, so I've recently started endurance running, I'm doing 6 mile runs 3 times a week. My nipples normally chafe a lot but nothing to bad, but today was different. I finish the run, I'm walking home and a lot of people are staring at me, looking worried. I'm like, the fuck are you looking at? Whatever, ignore it. I walk into my house, look in the mirror and guess what? My nipples were chafing so badly they started bleeding, and being as I had been running in a sweaty top it just spread dramatically. So here these people are, suddenly seeing what looks like a maniac who knifed his own tits giving them a stare of 'Yeh, and what?' Needless to say I will be buying nipple tape and ignoring the streets for a while.
Tl,dr: my nipples chafed so much whilst running that they bled and I looked like a lactating vampire on the walk home.
sennzz: holy shit, i thought the entire time this was a girl post... soooo disappointed when i read 'who knifed *his* own tits'.
Screw it, I'm pretending you're a girl.
sofi-so: Ah yes, because nothing says sexy like a woman's bleeding nipples.
sennzz: i read the word 'top' in title which i associate with a girl's top as men tend to say 'shirt'. the next word i read was 'nipples'. it was decided right then and there that OP was a woman!
Fracter: Ah yes, nipples, those things only women have.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1411120712 | 1411137274 | t3_2gujmj | t5_2to41 | 100 | [deleted]: TIFU, not sure why, but now I own punchabunchofpuppies.com
It was just a fucked up conversation with a coworker, I didn't need to buy it.
But I did.
[;-;](http://punchabunchofpuppies.com/)
Funkajunk: What do I do with it?
TheHottuB: An html5 game where you punch puppies. The more crappy the game the better. Maybe put the audio from a porn to it. Explosion sounds when you punch a puppy. That's what I got.
Charlieap96: I'll make everyone I know to to this site if you make this. A little cheap ad on the side and soon enough you'll be making bank
| 4 | 25 | |
1411121518 | 1411158042 | t3_2gukdx | t5_2to41 | 11 | deWaffle: TIFU By playing CS:GO
I am a student who is studying in the US with a scholarship. My school has a contract with an apartment company, so that they can afford housing for us.
So as usual, it is 11:00PM and I am done with my homeworks and I want to chill and have fun. Today I decided to play CS:GO, and what was going to be different is that I plugged my headset instead of my ear buds, (My ear buds do not have a mic unlike me headset) and so the fun begun. somewhere around 2:40AM I hear a really fucking loud knocking on my door; I was shocked once I asked who was it, and heard that policy voice "OPEN THE DOOR." What was going through my mind at that moment was that incident that happened to that famous Twitch streamer who was also playing CS:GO, and how this might ruin my life; to put it simply, I was scared to death to how this might impact my academic career. I peek through the hole to see who is it, I see three policemen hiding around my apartment door and only peeking their heads to see the murderer coming out of his room. I opened the door and stood inside, and I was asked to go outside as if I was an armed man, and then I was asked what I was doing. I tried to explain the situation as simply as possible, and then I was asked if I knew what time is it, and I was scolded because of how careless I was. Then, the landlady came up to me saying have you seen how many times I tried to reach your phone (zero times btw), and continued lecturing me about all the screaming I did. Then she told me told me that she will contact my school about getting me out of the apartments. I have no idea what to do, right now I am sitting on my bed and writing this in reddit, even though I got assaulted few minutes ago.
Halpern_WA: Nothing in your call history, nothing in your text messages. You were simply chatting with friends online and one person got irritated over it and over reacted.
Don't worry too much about it. You're better off getting good sleep and talking to whoever you need to in a rested state, rather than worrying your ass off and talking to them looking like you haven't slept in days.
I doubt they'll evict based on heresay, that some guy was talking too loud one night. They'll make more money collecting your rent than they would booting you out, running a credit and background check on some other guy and maybe getting him to rent. They might try to scare the piss out of you in the mean time so that they don't have to deal with "random loud dude on the mic" but don't let it intimidate you. They'll spend more finding a replacement.
Just in case they're stupid, I'd seek out alternatives and keep them on standby. But I doubt you're gonna get evicted over playing CS:GO and yelling about planting at B in a single instance. The apartment manager is just flexing their muscle to scare you.
deWaffle: Thanks!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411119056 | 1411167890 | t3_2gui69 | t5_2to41 | 6 | binkeboo: TIFU by having a small sip of water
This happened last night, but whatever.
I've always had a really touchy diaphragm, normally the first bite of a meal leaves me hiccupping until I finish eating. I've tried everything, sips of water, holding my breath, spoonfuls of sugar, things like that. Nothing has ever helped. For the most part I've never had a problem with liquids, soda being the exception.
My husband always has to wake up really early in the mornings for work, as a night owl I try and make as little noise as possible so he can sleep. I was playing some silly little game on our tablet at 3:30 in the morning, and decided I was thirsty. So being careful and quiet I slipped out of bed and grabbed myself a glass of cold water. (To be honest, I got caught up in my game and forgot about the water for twentyish minutes). After I lost in my game I remembered that I had gotten some water and decided to have a sip. The second it hit my stomach, I started hiccupping. Normally with (what I call) liquid hiccups they go away rather fast, lasting two minutes at most. I guess my body was wanting to be a troll, because they lasted nearly fifteen minutes. They were so bad that I was shaking the bed with each unexpected hiccup. I ended up waking up my husband and leaving him in a pissy mood because he didn't believe I could get such bad ones from water.
I think he's still mad at me.
Edited: formatting
steezyvape: That's probably a medical condition of some sort, have you been to a doctor to have it checked out?
Also, why was he pissed? He should know by now how it works for you.
binkeboo: I've seen several doctors and for the most part they say that it's nothing. My diaphragm is odd, one side sits higher than the other, but they've ran tests and everything came back fine.
It turns out that he was just pissed because he had a bad day at work because one of his projects got delayed. He's apologized and promised to take me out to dinner on his day off.
steezyvape: Ha, well there you go.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411123219 | 1411137805 | t3_2gulzk | t5_2to41 | 241 | pizzainsteadofblood: TIFU by breaking glass all over my girlfriend
TIFU well actually this happened last night.
My girlfriend had been working all day and I was hoping for some sexy time, unfortunately I was having a clumsy day.
So we're in bed and I get up to make her some food hoping that after she eats she will be feeling in the mood.
As I stand up she says something offensive about my family (in a joking way), I pretend to be angry and go to whip her with a towel, but as I whip the towel back it literally grabs a light bulb, rips it out of the ceiling and throws it at her whilst immersing us in darkness.
Now here's the thing, I have a pretty severe phobia of broken glass and as the glass shattered all over my poor hungry girlfriend some went into my left eye.
We also sleep on an air bed which did not stay properly inflated after this.
I did not have sex last night.
dandiego85: >as I whip the towel back it literally grabs a light bulb, rips it out of the ceiling and throws it at her
That's one hell of a special move, my friend. I hope you'll be able to recreate it if an intruder breaks in your house.
padmasundara: I hope so too (girlfriend in question)
Exorsaik: Did his eye make it? Also what kind of damage did you end up taking other then having your boyfriend freak out and getting a funny story out of it?
padmasundara: His eye is still there thank goodness! I endured no physical damage however I did not enjoy getting up at 4am this morning for work after a night of cleaning up after, cooking for and consolling my terrified boyfriend! :-p
Exorsaik: Good to hear!
| 6 | 40.166667 | |
1411124990 | 1411126858 | t3_2gunof | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU: Heard my mum and boyfriend having sex
I was staying over at mum's and the walls in the unit are paperthin between her bedroom and the living room where I was sleeping. Soon after turning the tv off I proceeded to hear weird sounds from the other room, I convinced myself it was nothing and kept trying to sleep. Sounds got louder and more sex like, I panicked a bit and went into the laundry room further away to try escape. But this unit is small so I could hear it there too. Still not 100% convinced but not wanting to take a chance I covered my ears but i could still hear it. Then I heard "i've used and abused you so its time to go to bed".
Now I am on a weekend holiday with both of them and my sister, visting relatives. I feel sick, angry and want to punch his face in.
:(
To clarify, parents have been divorced for a year and a half, boyfriend and mum been dating for a year. We had a morning flight so it made sense to stay over, didn't know bf was coming till a phone call couple hours before coming over.
dishy_squishers: Pics or it didn't happen
cuntflapper1: i want the pics of the guys cum dripping out of OPs moms wet, gaping cunt.
dishy_squishers: She does sound like a kinky milf. She probably already posted in /r/cumsluts or something
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1411121354 | 1411148626 | t3_2guk9p | t5_2to41 | 6 | shutthesirens: TIFU by trusting the internet to have accurate and up-to-date information.
As I'm Iranian, I have to travel to either the UAE or Turkey in order to get a student visa. I received my CAS only a week ago and I was in a hurry as my university was going to start soon. So I checked the visa application centres' processing times and I found that the Bursa consulate was the quickest. So I booked an application and headed out to Turkey with my mother who was going to get a tourist visa. We planned to stay in Istanbul, then take a ferry to Bursa(a 2 hour ride). The biggest mistake I made was that I googled the consulate's location. Three sites or so had the same address, so I assumed it was correct.
We arrived at Bursa about 1 hour before my interview time. So we gave the address to a taxi driver and after a few phone calls he found out the location. We arrived there, but no matter how much the driver looked around, we could not find the consulate. We asked a bunch of people if they knew where the British consulate was, but all said no. We then managed to find a person who said that the British consulate was closed. My mother and I could not believe it and we decided to get help from a local police station. Luckily, there was a cop who could speak English. She called someone, while another cop went on the internet and searched for the address using Turkish letters. They both yielded the same result and we quickly went on our way.
Guess fucking what? We arrived at the area, and after a long search we found the building where the consulate was supposed to be. We asked a banker if there was a British consulate, but he said that it had moved from that place.
TL;DR: A bunch of websites had the incorrect address for the British consulate in Bursa. I wasted about $680 in visa fees + $120 in transportation costs, 3 hours searching for the consulate and will have to spend an unintentional gap year.
acun1994: That really is too bad. Weird though; Don't embassies and consulates have an official site? Or even that is outdated?
Anyhow, just don't waste your gap year being idle. Do something productive! Hope evrything works out.
moobeast: A gap year would be a good time to learn a new language.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411126261 | 1411126999 | t3_2guozn | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by finding porn on my Dads Computer
First of all, my english isn't that well so if you find some mistakes in my Writing you can keep them.
Yesterday my mom wanted to print something from my dads pc.His Computer is the only one with a Printer.My Mom is that kind of person which understands how to play games on her phone but can't print something so I had to help her. So we sit down at his Computer.It was already on. A website was open that looked like his filesharing site were he gets programms and movies so we didn't inspect further. After we printed the things we wanted to leave things as untouched as possible so I open the website and now I read the caption of the data he downloaded. It was something with teens. My mum asks immediately "what is that?" I replied "I don't want to know"because I know that my dad watched porn in the past and I got no problem with it. But my mum asked me to open. It couldn't be open because it was rar folder. I didn't want to unpack it so I searched through his downloadhistory. Now thinking of it I feel quilty for the veronica mars in me that tried everything to get to know if there was more than this rar files. And a found it. A Folder full of videos, folders with other stuff and unpacked rar-files. My mum took away the mouse and clicked on the first video. VlcPlayer opens and a video starts playing. Without a tone my mum closes the video gets up from the computer and leaves the room. I closed everything and shut down the computer. My mom hates it when my dad watches Porn and she thinks it is cheating. After my mum left the room she started fighting with him because this was the third time she caught him watching porn. And i think this was just the spark to light a massive fire because now my mum is thinking about leaving him and to move to another city.
TIFU by founding porn on my dads computer and causing my parents to break-up
cuntflapper1: plot twist:
it was gay creampie porn
MissCupcaketoffee: Hahahahaha.....No
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411126266 | 1411205487 | t3_2guozw | t5_2to41 | 6 | Got_walked_in_on: TIFU by not respecting the road home
This actually happened a few minutes ago. I was driving home from school on my motorcycle and it's the last week before the exams of this period (our schoolyear is divided into 5 "periods"), so I was a bit stressed out from school. On the road to my house there's a turn that's roughly 120°, and the road is mostly gravel at this point. I was going about 10kp/h, and my front tire hit a rock, causing the whole bike to fall over. The both the front brake handle and tha brake pedal broke. Luckily I had a spare handle from before, but I'm going to have to wait until monday to get a new pedal.
shadowofsunderedstar: Assuming it's naked?
Got_walked_in_on: The bike?
shadowofsunderedstar: Yeah. Just assuming since you didn't mention fairing damage
Got_walked_in_on: Yea it's a 125cc KTM Duke.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1411127990 | 1411135640 | t3_2guqua | t5_2to41 | 4 | thegiggler: TIFU by ordering a sausage mcmuffin
I ordered two sausage mcmuffins and two breakfast burritos. When you order sausage mcmuffins and don't specify with eggs, they hold the eggs, so you end up with just two pieces of bread around some shitty congealed meat. My day is ruined.
KuroReddit: Eggs make congealed meat so much better
thegiggler: Those congealed eggs just offset it perfectly.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411127010 | 1411144592 | t3_2guprd | t5_2to41 | 32 | DaisyIsBobDylan: TIFU by stealing from a frail old lady.
*This happened a few years ago.*
I was/am a nanny for a few families. One of these families has a 19 year old boy who is low-functioning ASD ("severely" autistic). He is a great kid, very sweet and always tries hard to please others. His language is very limited and needs physical therapy as he also suffers from mild CP.
After one of his long PT sessions, I noticed he was frustrated. I tried asking what was wrong, but he was unable to communicate his problem (could have been hungry, tired, in pain or just plain grumpy, but I had no way of knowing).
So, because I couldn't identify the problem, I decided we should do something fun. He loves to be around people. So I asked him, "Jonathan?" And waited for a response (ABA techniques being used). He made eye contact.
"Would you like to go do something fun?"
He snapped, "No, thank you."
"Would you like to go to the par-"
"No, thank you."
"Would you like to walk on the be-?"
He tenses up, "No. Ok, no thank you!"
"Would you like to go to Walmart?"
He relaxes a bit, smiles and shifts his eyes to the right. I know that means yes, but he has to answer so I ask him again. He smiles and replies, "Yes, please. Can we go in wheelchair at the Walmart?"
He usually is encouraged to walk, as it builds strength, but I could tell he just needed to relax and be around people. I tell him of course and praise him for asking properly.
We get to Walmart and he knows where those wheelchairs are and makes a bee-line for them. He plops in the only chair they have left. It looks a bit different than it did last time. It used to have a basket that was broken attached to the armrests. I assume they replaced it and off we go.
I push him fast and pretend he is driving it. "He" almost drives into the balls, I jerk the chair to the left and stop abruptly. He giggles and laughs. I play this game for 5-10 minutes.
We roll around, killing time. Something catches his attention and he wants to look at stickers. We pick out a sticker book and make a few laps around the store.
He tells me he's hungry, so time to head for exit and check-out.
All is smooth. He even says hello and good-bye to cashier (big deal).
We roll to the exit to find 3 Walmart employees, 2 nursing home staff members supporting 1 frail little old lady who is clutching one of the staff with her boney hands. I have no clue what's going on as now I am focusing on how to convince Jonathan to part with his beloved wheelchair.
As, I'm negotiating the release of the chair by proxy of food and treats, I get a tap on my shoulder.
"Ma'am, where did you get that chair?" a man's voice says to me.
I smile and turn around, everyone is staring daggers at me, except the little old lady who has a "why would you do this to me" expression on her face. It immediately clicks. I feel a turning in my stomach. I stole this poor old woman's chair.
"I found it right here." is all my brain could muster-up.
"Ma'am, this is Mrs. So-and-So's chair." his eye brows lowered angrily waiting for a proper explanation.
"Oh, I'm sorry, this is where they [Walmart] keep their wheelchairs and this one didn't have any signs saying it belonged to anyone."
I waited for a reply.
*Silence*
Then I said, "Ok, well, have a great day, Thank you."
I didn't even properly apologize to the frail old lady who still had that look on her face while clutching to the man's scrubs. I just grabbed Jonathan's hand and walked as fast as I could to my car without looking back.
I still feel embarrassed about it, and looking back, the wheelchair was completely different than Walmart's chair. Walmart's chair is plastic or vinyl, while this chair was all cloth. Also, this chair was much lighter and easier to push. The wheels we considerably thinner as well and it had no rails.
Looking back, I should have known it was not a Walmart chair, and I really hope she was not waiting too long for us.
Not as bad as some of the stories here, but the look on her face will probably haunt me for a few more years.
DaisyIsBobDylan: I have a friend, Mark, who is paralyzed from the waist down. We used to grab a beer at the local bar and he would use his arms to lift himself to the bar. He "stood" on his legs, but really was supporting himself on the bar with his arms. To anyone else, he looked like any other patron. His chair was always within arm's reach though.
Many times a random drunk girl will see the chair and squeal with excitement. "Oh. My. God! A WHEELCHAIR!! How fun!!!" And sit in it and try to roll it around. Usually Mark, or one of our friends, will see this and tell him. He will usually gets really caustic and yells at the girls, "**HEY**"
This gets a lot of people's attentions. "What the hell are you doing with my chair?! I don't go to your whore house and try on your panties do I?!?"
That's usually enough to get the girl to run shamefully from the chair with a quite "sorry" here and there, but the drunker the chick, the more trouble there usually is. "HEY! You stupid bitch, WTF if wrong with you, are you brain-damaged? Get the fuck out of my GD wheelchair!" If that doesn't work he'll usually motion for us to get involved which means forcibly taking the girl's shoes and throwing them outside (harsh I know, but he hates when anyone touches his chair without asking).
As I was walking to the car with Jonathan, all I could think was how disrespectful it is to sit in someone's chair without their permission. I still cringe when I remember her helpless face. Sorry little old lady
[deleted]: Your friend is awesome.
MilkVetch: Yea, being a dick to drunk people who then probably feel like shit for days is really cool...like I see where he's coming from and obviously anyone should know better than to just sit in an empty wheelchair but still they're drunk...
DaisyIsBobDylan: Yeah, he used to be very angry and drunkenly pick fights with other drunks. He was quick to yell and used to practically live in that bar, getting drunk every night. He even got our group of friends kicked out of a Denny's for punching our mutual friend in the mouth (they were both being stupid and obnoxious and quickly made-up). I'm pretty sure he was extremely depressed back then.
But now-a-days, he is much happier. He just got married last year and has a little baby on the way. He really is a great guy, even back then when he was a dick, he was just going through some issues back then I guess.
beetus_wrangler: I don't blame him for being angry about this stuff. People can be really dense when it comes to other people's mobility devices. I once worked at a summer camp for disabled people and I saw a kid making a "don't touch my head, don't touch my wheelchair" sign in arts and crafts class. Yeesh.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1411129037 | 1411185867 | t3_2gus1i | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: FITU by offering my 14 year old son porn
jake_87: TIFU by writing FITU
xjeeper: Fucked I today up
majoroutage: Go home Yoda, drunk you are.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1411129546 | 1411143058 | t3_2gusn1 | t5_2to41 | 45 | Vanqui5h: TIFU by using an accessible toilet in a hospital
I work in an office in a swiss hospital. I am the type of guy who really takes his time when it comes to shitting (About 20-30 minutes). So I found out there's an accessible toilet near my office, which is rarely used, so I thought: "Yeah, I can use that toilet. Nobody's going to notice it..."
As I entered the toilet, I've noticed a strange string hanging next to the toilet. Since I've never used an accessible toilet before, I thought the string would be the toilet flushing for handicapped people. The water in the toilet looked a bit dirty, so I pressed the "regular" flushing. I've waited about 2-3 seconds until I pulled the string to see if it's going to flush again, but nothing happened. I thought: "Maybe there's not enough water in toilet tank to flush", so I pulled my pants down and started doing my business.
Now shit's about to go down: 20 minutes have passed and I'm still here lurking on reddit with my smartphone, when I heard a strong knock on my door. A nurse was outside the door shouting: "HELLO?! IS SOMEBODY IN THERE?". I was panicking so I didn't say anything. I've heard the nurse saying: "Oh no! I think he's unconscious." because I didn't response to her question. Then she started to knock harder. I started sweating like a waterfall. I finished my business and opened the door.
As I opened the door, I saw 3 nurses outside waiting for me. One of the nurses asked me: "Are you alright? Did something happen?" I responded: "Yes, I'm alright. Why?" Turns out, the string I pulled 20 minutes ago activates an alarm in the central so that nurses can help handicapped patients, if they can't get out of the toilet.
Now every nurse who's working near my office, knows that I was shitting in an handicapped toilet for about 25 minutes. How embarrassing...
Operation "Stealth Shitting" has completely failed...
AlphaMaster: Hah! Are you sure that you were not trying to live out an episode of the IT Crowd?
JugsAndTugs: "I'm leg disabled!!"
| 3 | 15 | |
1411129037 | 1411129941 | t3_2gus1j | t5_2to41 | 3 | kwappers: TIFU for taking what the dentist said literally
Today I went to the dentist at a hospital clinic for a follow up checkup after having my wisdom teeth taken out a couple of weeks ago.
After the checkup, she told me everything looked fine, the wound had closed up nicely blah blah and that I could go home.
I'm not quite sure what I was thinking, but I just walked out of the clinic and went home.
WITHOUT PAYING.
I only realised I hadn't paid them when I reached home, hopefully they don't charge me extra for making them send the bill to me.
cascadetiger: You would have to pay for a checkup?
kwappers: yeah, I can claim for it but I would have to actually pay it first...
| 3 | 1 | |
1411101743 | 1411328000 | t3_2gu03b | t5_2to41 | 6 | texas_nature: TIFU by releasing flatulence at work and causing a customer to throw up in my trash can.
Yea, the title pretty much sums it all up. i was at work, at walmart, making labels for items that didn't have price tags on them. i didn't see anyone around, and i really had to let one go. so i let it go, and sure enough, just right around the corner, a lady in her 20s-30s was glancing at videos on the rack and smelt what i had released.
sure enough, it was enough to make her stop what she was doing and release her stomach into my trashcan. i never told my boss what i had done, because then i might have gotten laughed at.
no one knew what made her regurgitate, but i didn't own up to what i had done at work because i felt bad for what i had done. i called maintenance to take out the trash can. i'm a horrible person.
___________________________________________________________
I really hope that i didn't break any rules of "defecation", as this is just a post about flatulence. if i did, however, i will remove the post.
sugargliderlover: What are 'rules of defecation'?
texas_nature: rule 10. All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday. These grew extremely tiresome and there was great clamor for their removal. So kindly post them on saturday only.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411126810 | 1411167840 | t3_2gupko | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving a door to my house unlocked
I left my house around 2050 to go pick up someone at the airport. I remembered to lock the front door but forgot to lock a glass sliding door that opens up to a patio in the side of the house. My wife gets home about 2145 and texts me saying that the front and sliding door are wide open and with a light in our living room on. She calls a neighbor and together search the house to make sure no one is hiding in the closets etc. The strange thing is, nothing that we can tell is missing. My iPad next to the couch is still plugged in charging. Nothing on my desk is missing, which includes a laptop, desktop computer and other miscellaneous electronics. My wife and I never close any bedroom doors ever, and she notices right away that both bedroom and the bathroom doors were closed shut. We keep a plastic bin filled with non perishable food near the front door for lack of pantry space and she notices that the bin is pushed in front of our bedroom door, which is something that we'd never do. It's just chilling knowing that someone has been rummaging through our house and we can tell that something was going on but nothing at all was taken. They were definitely scoping us out because it only took less than 45 minutes for them to get in and out.
Also in the recent past my neighbor noticed that a light was left on in my wife's car, and the passenger door was left open. The light that was left on is one where you have to activate it. It doesn't turn on when you open the door.
steezyvape: Creepy for sure dude. You don't keep any spare keys for things anywhere, do you? I'd do a solid room by room sweep to verify nothing is missing.
Consider getting a motion activated light for that sliding glass door, and maybe keep a baseball bat handy. If someone was scoping your place out, it's possible they intend on coming back around with adequate transportation to move items. (You ever see "To Catch a Thief" on Discovery Channel?)
Motion light would be a good indicator to would be thieves that you are aware of what happened and proactive about the situation.
Alternatively, it could of just been some teenagers being dicks and messing with your stuff because you left it unlocked. Kind of FUBAR that you left it unlocked and someone happened to stroll by and check it out at the perfect time.
rimajol: Thanks for your input. We're pretty good at keeping our doors locked but I guess someone made the most of my fuck-up. We have a motion activated light above our front door and the neighbors have the same on the side of their house, but after talking to them and our landlord, nobody was home in that 45 minute window. The worst part is after telling our landlord about the whole thing, he repeatedly tried to brush it off as "your husband (me) just forgot to close the doors and the wind pushed it open, maybe he was the one who closed the bedroom doors etc" when we clearly told him otherwise. Still doesn't explain the food box.
No spare keys lying around anywhere. We keep what we have on ourselves. I'm just glad nothing was taken and nobody was there to confront my wife when she got home.
steezyvape: That's definitely weird behavior from the landlord, I find that highly suspect.
Definitely lucky that nothing was taken and everything is fine. I'd keep an eye on that landlord though.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411129023 | 1411222176 | t3_2gus10 | t5_2to41 | 19 | ukuluke: TIFU by snoozing one too many times
This happened 2 hours ago and after a lot of lauging, apologising and peer pressure, Reddit, here is my FU.
A bit of back ground, for the past two weeks my band has been recording our firs ep, exciting times! However, after a lot of early mornings and late nights celebrating the days recordings with alcoholic and herbal refreshments, I have the energy levels of an elderly dog who has just shown Rupert the Teddy Bear the best 15 mintues of his life. The studio we are recording at is owned by a guy we have only met a once or twice so to start with it was a little awkward but it got better as the days past (lets call him Ted). Ted still lives with his mum and his studio is at the bottom of the garden in a soundproof outhouse type of thing. Pretty sweet but very cosey with 6 band members, equipment, recording equipment and Ted.
Date - 19/09/2014, Location - England.
8:00am - My alarm goes off for the 5th time (my snooze button has turned into a fwb that I got overly attached too and before I knew it, It's there every morning, begging and tempting me with its slumberly goodness) I'm already half hour behind my predicted morning schedule. Feeling ballsy and hungover, I decide to snooze once more to get just 9 more minutes of sleep because I'm a maverick. This is the start to my FU.
8:09am - Once again I am awoken by the sound of harsh vibration and a shitty melody. Im up. Mouth as dry as a camels vagina. I decide that not only do I need a drink, it has to be the drink sent straight from gods dick, the only drink humanly possible to quench a thirst bigger than a 14 year old boys on a beach, a cup of tea.
8:14am -Shit, I'm meant to be at the studio in 16 minutes, it's my final stretch to lay down the final few edits on our songs before we go into bulking the tracks up, I cant be late otherwise we have to record into another day. I shower quicker than an F1 pitstop and chuck on some comfy clothes to lounge around in. I'm doing well, its now 8:22, it takes me ten minutes to drive in good traffic, if I drive like a coked up maniac at a go kart track I'll make it. Que the rumblings, the type of rumblings that can only be associated with man's worst fear. The after alchohol shit. The type of shit to close down a village for a good few hours to let the smell pass through. I haven't got time, I clench my cheeks and I'm on my way.
8:35am - Fucking traffic. I'm late, I run in, jump onto my bass and start focusing on not fucking up. Before I know it, I'm in full swing, we are on time and everyone is happy.
9:10am - It's between songs, I relax for the first time in 35 minutes. I feel a bubble move from deep in my body out towards my balloon knot. I lift one cheek ever so eligantly and let out the most delicate, precise burst of warm silent wind into the unexpecting clean fragrenced air. Then it starts, this small, fragile gust turns into a full blown stinknado. It first hits me, sending me into a laughing fit appreciating my own flatulance (like you do), whilstles into Ted's nose who coughs it into the direction of the fan. The fan sends it blizzarding around the room like a rampant teenager at a brothel, exploring every nook and cranny as quickly as humanly possible. I've never seen 7 men run out of a room so quickly and appreciate the clean outside air.
9:20am - It's safe to go back in, the air virus has moved on, escaping out of opened windows and dispersing into the neighbours garden. This was a reminder for me that I was still yet to drop the kids off at the pool. I couldnt, Ted's mum was still home and looked like she wasn't going anywhere soon. I barely know the guy, let alone his mum, I couldn't subject them to the travesty that would glide out of my rectal opening. I try to focus my mind on other things, but for the next half hour it keeps reminding me, knocking on the door wanting to come out. I subdue to its pressure, it's down to either shitting myself or releasing the kraken in a controlled environment.
10:00am - I've notified everyone that the time has come, I have to take a poo break. I grab a can of deoderant to try and tackle the forseen odor. I make the walk up the garden pathway, a walk that seems like it has gone on forever, a walk that was so uncomfortbaly long I thought at any moment my ass cheeks would cramp from the strain exploding the awaiting monster into my underwear. I quicken the pace.
10:00:30am - It's only taken me no longer than 30 seconds to get to the back door of Ted's mums house, I open the door into the kitchen where she was preparing what could only be assumed to be a casserole for that nights dinner. I say hi and step past Ted's mum, my ass is now tighter than a nun's kipper dingy, I turn right 4 yards later into the bathroom.
10:01am - I've locked the door, proceeded to rest my deoderant next to the sink by all the other cosmetics. I can hear Ted's mum chopping food and walking around on the 90's lino floor, these walls are super paper thin. I use the trusted technique of laying two layers of toilet paper to soften the impact and hopefully muffle any sound of this brown torpedo raping the innocent toilet water. My cheeks hit the seat and before I know it, the performance starts.
10:02am - The initial gassy start to the proceedings has finished and its now time for the main act, I've managed to get away with utter silence up until now, hopefully the soundproofing will do its job. Say hello to turtle head, it breaches through my ring like a bullet slowly pretruding out of the arm of chubaccha. It feels like a pooey angel has fallen from poo heaven and entered the real world through my anus. I named her Shelly. A wave of relief and relaxation calmed my body as the paper done its job, it took the super log and cushioned it without a sound.
10:05am - After minutes of toilet time (the time a man takes reflecting on thoughts, sometime on life, mainly on the poo and how to describe it to friends) and after learning that breathing through my mouth does mask the smell but doesnt stop me tasting it, it was like chewing on the film you get when leaving gravy to stand too long. It was time to wipe and get out of there.
10:10am - The wiping was a long and arduous task, the residue left by Shelly was plentyful and thick, just as you'd expect from an after alcohol poo. I had used roughly about 1/4 of the roll but with a hole as sore as I'd expect from a first anal breaching, it was time to open the window, flush, spray and return back to my friends. I flushed and watched in horror as the mixture of brown and white whirled together in the bowl and clogged up the pipe. Panic set in, the words fuck and shit were repeated hundreds of time in a 20 second period whilst I tried to decipher a plan.
10:12am - I tried to flush for the 3rd time to no avail, I'm starting to really panic now, thinking about exit routes, what country would be cheap to fly too, what new name would I adopt. Maybe I could drive to wales, marry a local, start a family, buy a farm, build it up from nothing into something spectacular that people could visit and pet the animals?
10:15am - I had spent 3 minutes day dreaming about the farm in Wales. Focus, I spot a toilet brush, the second best thing to a plunger. I use the bristled head to try and break up the soggy mixture in hopes that smaller pieces would make it easier to flush. No use, a lot of stabbing and a lot of flushing later the mess wont budge and I am pretty certain I have now ruined the toilet brush.
10:20am - I'm out of ideas, I'm physically and mentally drained. I sit on top of the toilet seat, mentally preparing myself on how to explain this all to Ted. Then it hit me, Ted's mum! I could still hear her moving around in the kitchen, had she heard the whole 20 minute ordeal? She must of, the only way of getting out the kitchen is to walk past the toilet, I would have heard her. She would have heard everything (except the initial poo, that soundproofing was magical). She would have heard ten minutes of silence, a flush, then profanities, lots of profanities. Two more flushes would have been heard, a lot of shuffling around in bewteen flushes, all of a sudden she would have heard nothing but silence (farm reflecting). Then a jolt of brilliance, the scratching and splooshing of her now ruined toilet brush proceeded by a lot of panic flushing. I'm screwed.
10:30am - I have spent the last 10 minutes building up the courage to talk to Ted's mum and explain the situation, maybe she is nice and understanding about it. If I offer to help her deal with it then she would be pleasant and we could laugh about it over drinks, maybe she would even invite me to stay for dinner? It's hopeless, I'm screwed and never allowed anywhere near Ted's house again. I grit my teeth, try and grow some balls and just man up to how I just violated her porcelain throne.
10:32am - I'm about to walk out when I remember the smell, I must have pushed it to the back of my mind in my panicked state. It hits me again, it's now even more powerful than I remembered from the touchdown of Shelly. She had been marinating for quite some time. I start to gag, I dont know if this is from nerves or the smell, maybe both. I grab my deoderant can and spray around the room, hoping it would at least kill a little bit of the smell, whilst breathing into my shirt and trying to stop my eyes from running with gagging tears.
10:34am - It wasn't my deoderant. In my panic, tired, gagged out state, I picked up what turned out to be the exact same size and shape as my deoderant can and did not hesistate to spray as much as I could...I had picked up Ted's shaving foam. This is where panic mode 2 kicks in. Fuck & Shit repeated twice as fast as before. It was horrendous! You remember the similie I used with the rampant teenager running around the brothel? Well he couldnt take it anymore and just blew his load in the cleaning cupboard. It. Was. Fucking. Everywhere. I took what was left of the toilet roll and started frantically cleaning and wiping.
10:45am - The mess is cleaned up but now the bathroom walls are stained with damp streaks where the foam sprayed and slid down the wall. I have now used a whole roll of toilet paper with 3/4 of it soaked in shaving foam, sweat and resentment of my inability to stop myself hitting the snooze button. The final snapping point sinks in, there is no bin in the toilet, the toilet itself is clogged with Shelly and the other 1/4 of the paper...the ball of soggy toilet paper has no where to go.
10:50am - Now she would have heard ten minutes of silence, a flush, then profanities, lots of profanities. Two more flushes, a lot of shuffling around in bewteen flushes, silence (farm reflecting), a jolt of brilliance, the scratching and splooshing of her now ruined toilet brush, lots of panic flushing, silence, the spray of a can, panicked shuffling, the sound of toilet paper on a wall, and then finally the bolt slide away and the door open. With no other choice and accepting defeat, I slowly slide the lock and open the door. I step out turn and face Ted's mum, looking exhausted holding a big ball of soggy dripping tissue. She had the look of horror on her face and she froze like a dear in my pooey ill choiced headlights. I was standing there for what seemed like hours, not manging to say anything. I broke the silence after minutes, I slop the soggy paper mess into her open bin, look her in the eyes and mutter the words 'I am so sorry' and walk past her and out the door with her still frozen staring into the space I was just standing in.
10:55am - I got back into the room greeted by "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YO......WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?!" I told my story, I could see the horror developing in teds eyes and I could see nothing but joy in my band mates. I finish my story and after about 30 seconds of stunned silence the whole room errupted in laughter as I lay down facing the wall in the fetal position.
So today Reddit, that is how I fucked up.
tl;dr : by sleeping an extra 9 minutes in bed and not getting up in time not leaving myself enough time to poop, giving it time to build in stength and block the toilet of our producers mum's house then docerating her toilet in shaving foam after ruining her toilet brush.
Turns out, Ted and his mum were cool about it, they both laughed it off and I have offered to pay to re-decorate their toilet. I could only imagine the thought trail of Ted's mum as she was listening to all of this going on for nearly an hour. I have also learned whilst writing this that the blockage is now clear.
R.I.P Shelly.
Shanshan16: I never thought I would be intrigued by a story about a guy pooping...damn your writing ability! I'm jealous of this!
ukuluke: Haha thanks, it took me about 2 hours to write so I can really claim good writing ability just lots of re writing!
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1411129590 | 1411180384 | t3_2gusop | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by being nice to a stranger.
Today before the school I felt kind of sick(this will be important later on). As I was in school, my feeling was gettin worse and worse after every hour. I decided to skip remaining classes and go home. While I was walking to the bus stop (5 or so minute walk) I saw a lady struggling to get her bike through a door to a building. It had 2 step stair right before the door. When I got close to her, she was between the door with her bicycle, struggling to get inside, so I decided to hold the door for her(the door was made of glass and opened to my side so she was behind the door from my view). I started to speed up my steps (almost running) in order to get faster to her and I stumbled my feet to one of the steps leading to the door. I smashed my head to the door, like literally.. not my forehead, my whole face. As I mentioned, the door was made out of glass so she could see my face from the other side compressed to glass (we all know how faces look like this). As a result, I squeezed her pretty hard between the door, making her fall and the bicycle fell right on top of her. I didn't have anything else in mind to say but "I was just trying to help". It was well awkward for me. And now, my feeling got even worse as my head started to hurt.
Now, when I got on the bus to home (first stop and this bus is almost always crowded since it goes once every hour and is the only bus going this location) I somehow managed to get myself a seat, as it was very crowded. There was little air because so many people and so hot. I was feeling very very bad, almost like throwing up. I was blessed to have a seat because of my condition. Now, this is the part where it gets very bad, few stops later this elderly foreign women gets on the bus and comes next to me and starts talking to me in a foreign language (I could tell she was very agrassive to me and wanted to have my seat. I also live in a part of a town where most of the locals are elderly and foreign). I was trying to explain to her very politely that I was feeling very sick, but as you could tell, she didn't give a shit about that. Or just didn't understand me. So she started to pull off me from my seat and at this moment, I was feeling VERY sick, hot and my head was hurting. I had no other choice to say fuck it and stand up. So I stood. Next to her. After 2 minutes I just couldn't hold it in. I could feel it coming any minute, there was few minutes before the last stop and I had no better place to vomit, other than her lap. She gave me the stare that I will never forget. To be honest, I could see a small "Today I fucked up" look on her face too. She did not say any word. I got off the next stop and called my mother to come pick me up.
If there are any grammar nazis that would like to send me corrections, then feel free to send them to my inbox.
Pweotweb: I kinda think she deserved it, but only if she was capable of standing. Being old doesn't mean that you're decrepit, and young people get sick too. Was she frail/infirmed or just old?
SpottedParsley: I have been pushed out of the way by elderly people rushing to get a seat. If you're strong enough to push me over, I feel like you don't *need* the seat, you just really want it. And I get it, you're tired. But don't fucking push people. Don't touch strangers, like at all. Just be nice! I will get up if you just ask! (Provided it's not a day where my back is killing me.)
Propyl_People_Ether: They might well need the seat - upper body strength doesn't equate to having good knees, for instance - but shoving people *still* isn't cool.
| 4 | 9 | |
1411130438 | 1411163309 | t3_2gutqo | t5_2to41 | 70 | alwayscheckthetrash: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend, while her parents were home. (NSFW)
Okay so this actually happened today; around 3 hours ago, and I'm still in a state of shock:
For starters, my girlfriend and I are currently on our gap year before University, and I've been coming over quite often. Being full of hormones and generally being horny all the time, we decided to breakdance fight upstairs in her room while her parents were downstairs in the living room.
Here's the fuck up.
Afterwards, I'd taken the condom off, wrapped it in some tissue and chucked it in her bin under her desk. Didn't think anything of it.
Fast-forward maybe 20 minutes while we're in the middle of watching a movie on her computer. We hear knocking on her door, it's her mother asking if I will be staying for dinner. I politely decline, and she starts to clean up around my girlfriend's room while conversing about how our day went etc...
She then makes her way over to the bin under the desk. I see her heading for it. Now at this point I'm absolutely shitting my pants as I've realised that I had poorly wrapped this bright blue condom in like one sheet of thin-ass tissue.
She sees it, I see it, my girlfriend sees it. My heart drops through my anus as she further inspects this mysteriously bright item resembling a Smurf's intestine, lying on the top of the bin. She lets out a sheepish "Oh my..". She places the bin down and shuts the door behind her. It took me approximately 10 seconds to comprehend what just happened.
Being a devout Christian mother, I immediately assume that she's going to crucify my arse for having sex with her only daughter. I got the fuck out of there as quickly as I could. And thank fuck too... her dad is built like a damn brick-house, and would happily 'fuck my shit up'.
TL;DR: Managed to perfectly place a bright blue condom for my girlfriend's ultra religious and conservative mother to see.
UPDATE: So my girlfriend texted me this morning telling me that I shouldn't worry, and that her father actually laughed about it (not sure her mother took it so well). So to inform those who thought I was going to get my face bashed in, I didn't! 6'3/100kg rugby players can be nice too!
TRPPNonTRISCUTS: Why doesn't anyone flush them. Flush them people.
dfn85: Because you shouldn't flush them. They don't degrade like shit and toilet paper do.
thecalmninja: True but relationships and life do when a specific strong Christian father finds out about it.
dfn85: So then what happens if you flush them, it starts to create a septic issue, and it backs up.... thus causing the system to have to be dug up and pumped, and the repair guys warn the parents to stop flushing condoms down the toilet?
thecalmninja: There's no win. Game over man. I think OP needs to learn how to wrap it better after he wraps it
dfn85: We can certainly agree on that much.
| 7 | 10 | |
1411131350 | 1411199153 | t3_2guuwy | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to the trampoline park
a couple of nights ago I wasn't feeling the best, vomited into a bucket thought that was the end in that sickness and carried on being my normal self, but I guess that wasn't the end of it...
my sister, her flatmate, her neighbor, her boyfriend's little brother and I all went to the indoor trampoline park we got in there started doing flips and stuff, until we started to see who could do the most back flips in a row, sisters bf's little brother got to five, her flatmate got to nine, my sister and her neighbor could only do one, then it was my turn I started to go I got to five then felt a bad feeling in my stomach, I wasn't going to vomit, this time it was the other end I got to seven and stopped clenched my arse together so nothing would get out but I did feel a few drops of a watery like substance flow out I went to the bathroom cleaned up and went back out but with each bounce I was still scared I was going to explode luckily the few drops was all the came out when I was bouncing but when I got home I destroyed the toilet and I'm glad that's over for now....
qwertyracer: This is literally the longest sentence I have ever read in my life.
jrnorris81: Grammar, not even once
qwertyracer: OP must have lungs the size of Jupiter.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411132532 | 1411161220 | t3_2guwgv | t5_2to41 | 21 | TurtleTerrorizer: TIFU by letting my parents find my Reddit account
So I'm in high school and live with my parents. When I made my old Reddit account I named it after my YouTube channel which I named after my Xbox gamertag. My parents knew my Xbox gamertag and when I told them I made a YouTube channel they found it by searching for my gamertag. This results with them finding my channel and my mom isn't happy that I swear on it. She didn't say anything about it for a few months until this morning. She spent part of her night stalking my social media (Facebook, YouTube, and Reddit). She got mad that I swore in some comments on Facebook, and that I still swore on YouTube, however, she fucking googled my username and found a link to my Reddit profile where she read all my comments and was really angry about my comments and spent my morning lecturing me. Sorry for spelling I'm on my phone.
Tl;Dr: Mom googled my YouTube username, found my Reddit profile, read my comments, lecturing and anger ensued.
Scoutermom: A mom here- to OPs mom. You overstepped, sure OP could use better language while out in the cyber world. Sure you had hope you would find a proper young (assuming here) man, but come on!!! This is the internet!! You have no right to be angry about what you found while cyber stalking your child. Disappointed, sure, angry no.
Vinen: So what your saying is its not OK for a parent to be a parent and actually teach their kids to not be jackasses. OK.
brannana: No, but there are boundaries. Otherwise you end up with helicopter parents with kids who can't do a single thing for themselves. Especially in this day and age of the internet and the lowered privacy that results from it. There comes a point where you can't lecture them about things anymore, you have to admit you've taught them what you can and hope that you've done well and that you've instilled the values in them that will guide them to make the right choices in life.
Plus, it's not as though swearing is forever. When I was in my early 20s, I swore left and right. Over time I've mellowed and hardly feel the need to swear anymore.
[deleted]: Also, swearing just isn't that bad of a thing. I think a lot of people try to make it the paragon of all things bad, but... what is **always** missing from their arguments is **why** swearing is supposedly so bad. Sure, don't swear where it is obviously not appropriate (like during a job interview), but I'm not sure why so many people (namely of the previous generation or two) are so avidly against it. What's the big deal?
And I mean, obviously, swearing *at* people isn't okay, but even then, the curse words aren't the bad part there - it's that you're insulting someone.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1411133873 | 1411134070 | t3_2guydm | t5_2to41 | 8 | singed1337: tifu by showing my erected penis to kfc guy
So this happened about 30 minutes ago.I just came from home and chillin' at 9gag and ordered some KFC. I saw a nsfw post and got seduced so I decided to jerk off for some good and while doing it my door got knocked. I couldn't find a pant near so just went to the door and opened the door just a little that I will just hand the money and have the package. But I forgot the money in my room and I needed to go back in order to pay. While I went to the door guess what? KFC guy opened the door widely and I was just showing him my huge boner.
kentuckyfriedchocobo: is it finger lickin good?
DeathAndRebirth: your name makes it that much better
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411134054 | 1411136318 | t3_2guynj | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU after my dad bought me my first car, I wrecked it.
Today, weeks after I finally got my drivers license, my dad spent what he had on a car for me so I could start my life as an independent adult! 4 hours after driving the car out of the dealership, I was driving up a driveway and a post, hidden within a bush, decides to scratch this unearthly canyon across the front door and knock my side-mirror clean off. Now I'm stuck at my friends house watching movies and panicking that my dad is going to start ringing up wondering where I am. What in an unearthly canyon of fuck do I do now?
ilikedrinkingbeer: MTFU.
ilikedrinkingbeer: Also, learn to drive without hitting stuff.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411134962 | 1411142630 | t3_2gv02p | t5_2to41 | 4 | monroetrojanman: Tifu by letting my sergent father use my computer
Ok....so as you know, my father is a sergent in the army and he had just came home for a short break. It was good to see him but now....
Anyway to my f up. It techniquely should be yifu (yesterday i fed up) but you get the idea. Anywho yesterday, my dad wanted to use my computer. Now clumsy me, i thought i had closed chrome when i turned my laptop off. I didnt and as he clicked on it a video started to play right in front of his eyes. Fuck. My. Life. With. A. Catus. Up. The. Ass.
I forgot to close out of xvideos and my sergent father who is very very strict watched this video for like 10 seconds and closed the browser and slammed the lid of my laptop.
"i will be talking to you later" dad told me. Shit i fucked up bad. Any segestions?
I_JUST_WTF: He didn't know how to react, so he didn't. Don't worry he also watches porn.
monroetrojanman: No...no he doesnt. He is very strict with anyone watching that "smut". Btw he hasnt talked to me....yet. Im fearing going home though after school.....oh and he does use the belt on my brother at times....im 18 hes 13. I can only imagine that hes preparing ol leatherhide for when i get home.....
DarkyPoo: If your 18 then there is not much he can do to stop you? lol
monroetrojanman: I live at home with our mom still tho. Im a jr. Got held back a yr.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1411135979 | 1411136705 | t3_2gv1op | t5_2to41 | 6 | Zenel92: TIFU by asking my buddy to "toss" me the machete
So I was out camping with my friend, and we where out geting wood for the fire,we had a old rusty machete that we where useing to breake the wood down. He had the machete, so I asked him to toss me the machete. Now any normal person would walk over and hand the person the machete, but my friend actualy threw the machete to me. Luckly I was saved by THE smallest tree branch, more of a twig the a branch, the machete was about an one inch away from my face.
TL;DR asked friend to toss me the machete he actualy threw the machete, saved by a twig.
BuzzSlightSmear: "Tossing the machete" sounds like a euphemism.
For masturbation. It's a euphemism for dangerous masturbation.
Zenel92: in deed it does, didnt think the title out verry well in hindsite
| 3 | 2 | |
1411135644 | 1411138823 | t3_2gv14n | t5_2to41 | 63 | Iamleg-end: TIFU - well my wife, by not hiding sex toys well enough NSFW
Happened 2 days ago
Tidying and sorting the house for a new arrival and getting our two helpful kids to do their part.
Onto our room to tidy up and my wife is getting our 5 year old to put socks away. He opened the wrong drawer and spotted my wife's vibrator. Casually, as a 5 year old would, he walks down the stairs, bright pink vibrator in hand and asks what it's for "uh, uh that's mummies back massager give me it so you don't break it..."
This morning my wife was having back pain as part of the pregnancy. The 5 year old walks over to the drawer again and is rummaging. Since the first part everything has been properly hidden.
I ask him what is he doing
"Looking for mummies pink back massager"
Here's to hoping he forgets all about it and doesnt have flash backs years to come!
doctorish: [Reminds me of this kid.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR00Jr8knV4)
flossinwithpubes: LOL i knew what this was before I clicked on it. I hope that kid sees that video one day when he's older.
sirin3: I almost expected [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQ5ziNOtoMU)
Skorp678: My life has significantly improved.
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1411133272 | 1411711283 | t3_2guxjt | t5_2to41 | 9 | pm_me_your_cooking: TIFU by showing a girl I liked a post from /r/WritingPrompts
I was browsing reddit while waiting for class start like any other redditor when I came across [this post](http://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/2gt320/wp_cannibalism_has_been_widely_accepted_for_over/ckmh1yi). Props to /u/Pohlcat because I found that post very well written. Well after class, I hand my phone to the girl and tell her to the post because its pretty good. She scans the post for a minute and hands me back the phone saying she doesn't understand. I tried explaining to her what was going on but it was clear she didn't understand. So now, I am pretty sure she thinks that I am some wierdo into incestuous cannibalism or something.
justa-bloke: Or intellectually she may not be as appealing as she once was. This could be a win in my books
GlassPills: The piece contains a few errors (try the first paragraph, or the one beginning with "he stood...") and isn't really as subtle as many commenters have claimed (dat "pig corpse"). That said, I'm not surprised that she was confused by your sharing this post with her. Perhaps her reaction was not due to a failure of her intelligence, but rather to a failure to be sufficiently blown away by the quality of the writing. I certainly found it underwhelming.
| 3 | 3 | |
1411136004 | 1411179679 | t3_2gv1q6 | t5_2to41 | 514 | darkonmil: TIFU by tickling my girlfriend
Admittedly, this happened around 12am, so yes it happened today.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a while now, and to keep our relationship fun we try to do stupid things to each other. We poke, pull ears, blow in ears, and none of these are sexual innuendos. We finished watching a movie on my laptop, so we're in bed laying down together. It's about time to sleep, so we start kissing each other good night.
One thing she enjoys doing is squishing my face in weird ways with her hands. I used to be pretty chubby, so my cheeks are really stretchy. She gives me a weird face, laughs, gives me another weird face, laughs again, just a vicious cycle of face sculpting and laughter.
I tell her to stop, she doesn't, so I threaten to tickle her. She is by far the most ticklish person I know, so a tickle threat usually works. Not this time. I guess being so tired, and being on the verge of sleep while also being in fits of laughter made her continue her childish antics with my face. Being a man of my word, I begin to tickle her.
I tickle her sides, she immediately freaks out. Her body spazzes, and she catapults herself into the wall, shoulder first. She starts crying, and I start panicking. She isn't the type of person to cry easily. Turns out, she dislocated her shoulder. We got home around 4am from the hospital.
TIFU by tickling my girlfriend, sending her to the hospital.
bathlord: I thought you were going to say she shit herself.
iliketowearhoodies: I'm glad I wasn't the only one expecting to see "she shit all over the bed" or something like that.
Turned out way worse than I expected.
d4ed4e: I'd rather dislocate my shoulder than shit all over the bed.
iliketowearhoodies: I'd rather shit the bed. It's a lot easier to wash some sheets than to go to the hospital and pay a deductible and go through all that pain.
Poop is simple to clean up. You remove it from the bed and toss it in the washer. Dislocating your shoulder is a bit more significant.
I guess it depends on your level of humility. I wouldn't care about shitting in the bed on accident. Then again, I've had to shit in a bush outside of a closed Tony Roma's before because nothing else was around or open. No shame here. haha
myepicdemise: >Poop is simple to clean up. You remove it from the bed and toss it in the washer.
Why would you toss poop into the washer?
iamaprettypinkdonut: One well polished turd?
| 7 | 73.428571 | |
1411136858 | 1411206005 | t3_2gv345 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Murican_Freedom1776: TIFU by activating "hey, Siri" on iOS 8.
A key feature in iOS 8 was being able to say, “Hey, Siri.” and Siri start listening to you. It only works when your iOS device is plugged into the wall.
I upgraded yesterday and today my girlfriend and I got her engagement rings so we are officially engaged. To celebrate we start having some naughty time. I really absolutely hate going down on females. However because this is a special night I decide to go down on her.
I plug my phone up and put it on the nightstand and we start making out. I start kissing down her body and she is moaning. She is really really excited. Then I hear Siri activate… “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, Murican_Freedom1776.” I hear it say. Apparently somehow her moaning and my kissing activated Siri.
TL;DR Got cockblocked by Siri.
DJFlabberGhastly: Wot? Phone makes noise and you're cockblocked? I don't understand.
blackyezzuz: Do you stop to listen to siri???
Keep going
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411136190 | 1411198447 | t3_2gv211 | t5_2to41 | 5 | iamnotwolverine: TIFU By Taking a Walk
Today I Fucked Up, on second thought, Today We Fucked Up.
So this happened about a week ago. Two of my roommates and myself decided that 3:00 AM would be a prime time to take a walk. Without any real plan where we were headed, we set out around campus. After a bit of walking, a smoke break and a piss, we arrived at a bridge.
Before I go any further with the story, let me tell you that my roommates and I have a tendency to be slight kleptomaniacs at times.
Now back to the story.
We happen to look into the creek that flowed beneath the bridge and saw something sticking out of the mud. We turned on the flashlights on our phones, and to our delight, we saw that it was in fact, a **full** 15 MPH street sign. My one roommate (Let’s call him “Larry”) looked at me and said, “Moe, we *have* to have that.” We all knew it, and thus the story really begins.
We didn’t draw straws to see who would go into the creek, Larry just volunteered. At this point, none of us knew what we were getting ourselves into.
Its pitch black and the phone flashlights weren't helping. We can’t see Larry, but we hear him exclaim, “Shit, I've got fucking sticks up my ass!” At least we knew he was okay. A few minutes later, Larry emerges, covered in mud, holding the street sign. At this point, all we needed to do was bring this 15 foot, 75 pound sign back to our dorm room and our mission would be a success.
Larry strips off his muddy clothes and my other roommate (Let’s call him “Curly”) is dragging the sign behind him. We take one of the main roads into campus. Let me tell you now, we looked fucking ridiculous.
No more than 10 minutes went by, and we see a cop car pull up next to us.
The cop gets out of his car, and asks us what we were doing. Naturally, Curly tries to play it off as though nothing out of the ordinary is going on, but believe it or not he cop isn't buying it. After a long and complicated explanation, the cop explained to us how we could have easily gotten arrested for “stealing state property”(who knew?). He luckily didn't arrest us, but we all received appointments for a judicial hearing. At least we probably wont get kicked out.
Will update and tell Reddit how it goes.
TL;DR: Went for a walk. Accidentally stole a street sign out of a creek. Cops pulled us over. We all have judicial hearings.
Dan_AKA_Baller: Do you think you will be able to keep the sign? I mean it's not they have a use for it if you guys found it in a creek. Plus you guys put in the work to actually get it.
iamnotwolverine: Those fucking cops were dicks. That is what we thought, but we were wrong.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411139206 | 1411161050 | t3_2gv70j | t5_2to41 | -4 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my shot at at a threesome with two dirty nurses:(
So this happened to me about a week ago but it only just occurred to me to post this now. So I hang out with this group of really fun girls who happen to all be nurses. They r young, and hot, and they can party their asses off. They r also somewhat promiscuous so I call them the dirty nurses. Now this was a random Friday, there were three dirty nurses over hanging out at my place place drinking and partying. One of the nurses we will call her Cammie brought her bf over who happened to have some blow. So it gets to be around 3 am when the blow runs out and the bf and Cammie decide to leave. Now for a little back story, one of the nurses that was over is this girl I had already hooked up with, her name was Katie, and the other one Cat is this girl I've been trying to hook up with. They both say they want to stay at my place and I said that's fine with me but house rules are any girls that sleep over have to sleep naked in my bed. They were both totally fine with that, and I was starting to get pumped, these r two hot chicks, they both agreed to sleep with me naked, I'm like how can this go wrong. So if u r a guy and u have ever done blow then u know it's really hard to get a hard on. Luckily for me I was prepared and did a blue line (snorted a crushed up Viagra, always works). Anyways I was starting to come off the blow and was feeling weird so I decide to take a Dab (smoke hash). The girls r just hanging out at this point waiting to go to bed. The girls see me smoke the dab and each ask for one. Of course I was like sure, which is where my TIFU happened. Dabs r a really potent form of hash oil, and after they each take one they instantly get couch locked, really sleepy and lethargic. We hop into bed I get in the middle of them, my dick is harder then Chinese arithmetic at this point. Girls fall asleep pretty much at the same time as their head hitting the pillow. I try a couple of times to bring them around but they r both so high I knew I fucked up by giving them those dabs.
Edit: in case u care, the girl I was trying to hook up with leaves in the morning and I hook up with the girl I've already slept with.
ThatNintendoFan: Why did you stop?
Lehk: Because he wanted to bang them not date rape them.
| 3 | -1.333333 | |
1411139956 | 1411158620 | t3_2gv88z | t5_2to41 | 59 | theycaughtmestrippin: TIFU by getting caught while stripping for my bf
So I babysit every now and then for a family friend who has 2 year old twin boys. The mother is a super paranoid, over protective single mother who has known my mom for years and has gone through 4 other baby sitters before asking me if I would be willing to do it so she would feel more comfortable.
She takes a couple of overnight trips every month for work and so this night would be no different, and I figured I would invite my boyfriend over so he could keep me company after I put the kids to sleep. She usually came back early the next morning and sometimes very late the same night if the drive was <2 hours.
So my boyfriend comes over, brings a bottle of wine and we decided to watch a movie...one thing led to another and we decided to get frisky because I didn't get any messages from 'Kate' about her returning the same night since she was a few hours away. So I thought it would be incredibly hot if I gave him a little lap dance/strip tease action since I've been taking these pole fitness classes for a few months.
We were both pretty drunk and I didn't see the 3 missed calls from 'Kate,' and didn't bother to notice the voicemails which said she was 30 minutes away since her client meeting ended early. Naturally, at this point I was straddling him, riding him like a cowgirl on the living room couch as I hear the keys go in the door, and the door is about to open as I'm climaxing right as she walked in and she firmly saw me in my most vulnerable position.
She screams wtf, are you doing and says to get out of her house. It was the most akward 2 minutes of my life as I gather all my belongings and end up leaving with my boyfriend. I told her to not to tell my mom and she says nothing. I end up driving home and as soon as I walk in the door my mom, who has no idea I'm dating someone, says why the hell am i sleeping around in other people's houses with random guys.
I hope I never run into this lady or her kids ever again.
ComputersAreDumb: Charged to take care of kids. Has bf over. Brings wine. Gets tipsy. Does strip tease. Fucks bf. Lol OP is going places... Good story OP, but eh, kinda fuck you for doing that in someone elses house. How old are you? Your age might explain a shitload of this.
theycaughtmestrippin: 21
ComputersAreDumb: Well, that sums up why you're a dipshit. You got off lucky. Had many other parents caught you, they'd make your life a living hell. Not to mention, what if those kids had had an emergency? You were drinking, and you also had someone over the mother didn't even know. Can I slap you now?
Edit: I love how you changed your age from 17 to 21. Now we really fuckin know you're 17 lol
fogred: I caught the age change too.
ComputersAreDumb: Good, I'm glad I'm not the only one. She probably realized how enormously naive, dumb, and young it made her seem. I mean, which she is. Lol now Mommy and Daddy are gonna be mad! Did you get grounded young lady?
SpottedParsley: I was sitting here wondering why adults ever think it's a good idea to have sex in someone else's house. Or why someone would agree to get drunk while they are supposed to be watching someone else's kids. But yeah. Nice catch guys. Explains everything.
ComputersAreDumb: OP expected her TIFU to be well-received, only to herself derp, again (double TIFU?), edit a comment, and bring down a small storm of mediocre judgement upon herself. Good job OP. Good job.
Tl;Dr
OP Double TIFU'd on accident, in the thread about TIFU's. TIFU irony at its finest.
| 8 | 7.375 | |
1411140088 | 1411166039 | t3_2gv8hy | t5_2to41 | 61 | Sauce767: TIFU by washing my junk with minty death juice
So my gf decided she likes this new face soap. "Its so minty and acidy and leaves your face feeling fresh!". Whatever, girls are weird and get excited about lame things, business as usual.
However, gf had to go to work early this morning, so she showered before me. And she took her face soap into the shower. You can see where this is going, strap in for some cringeworthy reading gents.
Fast forward ½ an hour, sleepy me gets into the shower and after standing in the warm water for 20 minutes or so, I grab the first bottle I feels and begin cleaning. For whatever reason, I have always washed my junk first, just has to be that way. About 30 seconds after I had started lathering up, it started…
It wasn’t a rush of fire, it started gentle, like someone lovingly blowing -30 degree air on my balls and chain. “Mmm, that’s kind of nice,” I thought to myself. Slowly, those nice feels began to change. Alarms began going off in my still half asleep brain. It woke up briefly to tell me, “Hey bromigo, you know that soap you just put on your balls? Guess what brah, that wasn’t soap, it was minty death juice. I’m going to shut off now so I don’t have to experience the immense amount of pain you are about to feel. Bye.”
Fuck.
At this point, the air around my lady thermometer feels like knives. My first reaction to this icy mint death burn is to immediately turn and let the water cascade around my fun time area. Bad idea. The water has become liquid fire. So I turn away from the water only to re-realize the extremely unpleasant sensation of being stabbed by minty air icicles. Back into the water I go, this time realizing for the first time that I am truly fucked. However, as I yank my lure and tackle out of the water again, I notice that for a brief moment when I’m between the fire water and knife air, everything feels not that bad. However, it only lasts for about a second before the air starts stabbing again.
So there I am doing this weird sort of goddamn cha-cha where I have to try and keep my D&B wet but somehow not let the water actually hit the area. I can feel my face constantly switching between expressions of relief and extreme agony. This goes on for what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably closer to 30 seconds. And then, it happened…
The fucking hot water ran out. And not slowly began to feel less warm, but immediately fucking ice cold. The feeling of the ice cold water on my balls is indescribable. Quite possibly the worst feeling I have ever felt. My vision starts to blur as my body tries to what I can only assume was spontaneously commit suicide. My legs seize up so I can’t even jump out of the death water. I start forcing my stilt like legs to shuffle me away from the water as fast as I can, which is not fast. I finally make it out of the water and just lean against the wall of the shower, too angry/confused/broken to do anything else. The pain finally starts to subside as those little minty fuck fuck molecules run out of stabbing power. I look down to see if any visual damage has occurred, and as I’m marveling at how red dick skin can turn (like fire engine red, not kidding) a few drops of water drip off my hair and land on my dank. I recoil as if Mike Tyson had punched me in the balls, my stiff legs aren’t able to step back and stop me. Over the edge of the tub I go, taking the shower curtain and rod with me. Somehow it wasn’t broken, just kind of popped of its mounting. Anywho, 10 minutes later my package is completely back to normal color and feel. Thank fuck.
He and I will always wear invisible scars from today though.
All this on a MOTHER FUCKING FRIDAY.
TL/DR: Fuck. Mint.
Rje45: No way. I have to believe every man grabs the same goddam bottles every goddam morning. I could do it with my eyes gouged out and my fingers chopped off at the knuckle.
You went for minty fresh balls and got more than you bargained for.
Sauce767: I recently bought a variety pack of body wash. When I opened the pack I decided fuck it, I'm going to rotate through all of them at once. I will smell like a different old spice commerical every day. This however does not excuse the fact that the mint death bottle was in no way shaped like any of the bottles of body wash. I am still trying to figure out how I didn't notice the difference.
Rje45: That is actually a good a good explanation
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1411142322 | 1411143235 | t3_2gvcfs | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not cashing a paycheck.
So a year ago I started a new job while in the middle of a break up with my GF of 4 years and ended up moving in with my best friend. Today after going thru more stuff from moving into my new house I found my first pay check stub. A live check for almost $1k that I apparently never cashed. It is void 180 days after the written date.
KoboldCoterie: You could try depositing it and see what happens. The 'void after 180 days' text doesn't actually void the check. However, there is a period of time (I think 6 months) after which a bank is no longer legally obligated to honor the check... but some will still do so. There's no harm in trying, the worst case scenario is they say "No."
KoboldCoterie: To add to that, you could also try asking the business you were (are?) working for to re-issue the check. Again, worst case scenario, they say 'no'. IANAL and I don't know if there's any legal reason that they'd be inclined to do so, but it never hurts to ask, and it may net you $1000!
| 3 | 1 | |
1411143115 | 1411205629 | t3_2gvdu8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | RecycledDonuts: TIFU by causing my Grandmother to piss on the new furniture.
I was enjoying an evening full of Big Bang Theory re-runs and popcorn. I was not prepared for the events that would thwart the peaceful Monday evening at hand. My grandmother had arrived a few days earlier to visit for a while since I do not live in my home state at the time being. I decided it would be nice to offer her a fresh popped bowl from the air popper. This would later be my undoing and my couch would lose its virginity.
The new living room set I purchased consisted on an end table, a full leather sofa, and a full leather love seat/ recliner combo. It was my first real purchase of a complete set since moving away, so I was proud of my accomplishment. This would soon be thwarted by the piss pixies.
Everything was going fine until, I presume, a popcorn kernel thought it would be funny to troll the back of my grandmother’s tongue. (This is when the kernel piece lodges itself in a peculiar area that causes you to cough uncontrollably and usually there is nothing you can do about it.) As the coughing from the devil’s lair continued, I did make sure she was OK. She sat there for about 5 minutes before bringing to my attention that my couch would never be the same in my eyes.
She said in a calm voice “I …..is this leather?”
At this time, that sentence did not register completely. I ran it over and over in my head three to four times before I finally reached out with figurative hands and grabbed hold.”It’s a new kind of leather blend, why?”
She then replied with, “Oh good, then you can wipe it off.”
I replied with a befuddled, “What?”
That is when she stammered over her words as she dropped the Hiroshima of all comments into my popcorn dish;
“I…I wee’d just a little bit on your new sofa.”
“You….you did what where?” I asked.
“I wee’d myself, and I wee’d the new couch,” the culprit murmured from shamed lips. I have never faced this situation really; I could only imagine in my head the dollar signs floating from my ear hole in my phone from the professional cleaner’s side of the line as I told them it was leather.
Now…there are only a few times in life that a man is given the “thumbs up” to cry in life from his best bros: Getting married, having your first child, and having your family rape your man seat. The recliner in a man’s house is the place that is known as “The holy of all holies”. It rises above the poop closet by a factor of 3:1.
I rose up from my loveseat/recliner combo, and at this time I realize just how bad the situation is. It looks like the one and only God Almighty has blessed me with my own personal Lake Tahoe, right here in my living room. All I need now is a cable car running from the kitchen to the couch and print out new season passes and I am set. I realize now that the comment floated in one ear and out the other earlier that evening was relevant. She had proudly informed me her bladder could hold three liters. Now at the time she told me this, I found it slightly impossible and a bit unnerving but moved on without comment…
Skip forward two days and a free cleaning later. (The professional cleaners felt my pain and cleaned the couch for free. They said I was the lucky customer this year for a free cleaning.) I am still checking every so often for a hint of ammonia and guilt to seep from the cushion. I will be going to Wal-Mart to purchase a bottle of Pet Select Pee-Pee Stain and Odor Remover.
turtlesarerad14: at least she didn't choke to death or shit (look on the bright side)
tranzalorebreech: always the bright side.
| 3 | 3 | |
1411143645 | 1411190202 | t3_2gveti | t5_2to41 | 1 | ShamedByPrank: TIFU by putting a used condom up into my rectum so as to prank my girlfriend into thinking I had done gay sex.
I wanted to do a prank on my girlfriend, so I thought it would be funny to make her think for a moment that I was gay.
To accomplish this, I masturbated up into a condom and then removed it, but then I went ahead and put the condom up into my ass.
Later that night prior to doing sex I made certain that she saw the condom, and I pulled it out. I pretended to be astonished and panicked and acted as if I had been caught in a bad deed.
I guess my prank was too convincing and my acting was too skillful because she flipped out and not only that when I explained to her it was just a prank she didn't believe me.
She still doesn't believe me and truly thinks I am a homosexual and was cheating on her with some gentleman. WTF? No convincing will make her see it is a prank.
I am terrified she will tell people and the rumor will spread that I am a gay person and that a condom was in my ass. I have never had a prank backfire to this extent and I am clueless as to how to manage it now. I fucked up something awful.
The only thing I am glad of is that I did not buy an engagement ring yet, because we are clearly not getting back together.
spookydaniel: This is why I don't have a girlfriend, never had and never will.
HunterSDrunkson: Because you like anal or because the prank does sound hysterical in theory?
spookydaniel: Just because they are so sensitive about things. Like; "don't put that there" "don't do this" "please stop" "please don't hurt me" etc. I'm so tired of them.
thenagainmaybenot: Rape is so funny. Haha.
spookydaniel: I know right?
| 6 | 0.166667 | |
1411143441 | 1411157333 | t3_2gveej | t5_2to41 | 11 | LURCHDIUTV: TIFU by backhanding a co worker
This happened like 10 minutes ago I still feel slightly bad.
Background on me I'm a fairly tall and solid built dude with large hands. I was walking by one of my co workers desk and I see that they are feeling down. I talked to them a bit and its more or less a case of I don't want to be here today. (heres the TIFU) Sooooooooooo me being the upbeat I go and spread my arms and go CHEER UP ITS OHH SHIT!!!!! I ended back handing one of my co workers with such force they fell flat on there ass. No bloodshed though.
tried to make one coworkers day better and ended up ruining another's. Im wearing an imaginary cone of shame
Zasoh: seeing an inadvertent backhand would cheer me up considerably
LURCHDIUTV: I look at it now as funny cuz everyone is ok I was worried though I may have concussed them. Im pretty strong and I have accidently concussed someone before LOL
teuflhund: I had something like this happen to me. I was the one getting hit but by a girl who is a very exspressive " hand talker," ...
with a fist in my nuts.
LURCHDIUTV: forget my TIFU YOU WIN!!!!!!!!!!!
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1411144175 | 1411158731 | t3_2gvftf | t5_2to41 | 11 | joeking69: TIFU by cussing at church
Like most tifus this happened about a year ago but even today I feel the eyes on me.
So I am a lector at my church of about 2000 and today was Christmas. I was the first lector and I came up to read my reading to the congregation. Now you must realize that this was only my third time reading so I was kind of nervous also there was much more than 2000 as it was Christmas. So I waltzed up there with a fake confidence and I began to read out loud. Beautiful and strong and confident and focused I was at first, but then my mind began to wander and become nervous. I thought to myself how terrible it would be if I cussed while reading.....yes it happened
I proceeded to say "Mary, the mother fucker of jesus" as I realized what came out of my mouth I was shocked and then said "fucking Shit" the clergy was in shock and so was I, considering everything I had said was played on the speakers in the church and everyone could hear it. I finished the reading all the while sweating like a dog in labor and hastily sat down. The priest talked to me after church and we decided it would be best if I stopped. I started going to another church
TLDR: cussed while reading at church, probably going to hell
wwickeddogg: It's ok, god doesn't even speak English. Unless you're a Mormon.
WackyTheMadOne: Hmm, if God exists then what language did he talk in to Adam and Eve when early people apparently used noises to communicate?
wwickeddogg: Adam spoke the same language as god on the day that he first met Eve. They were all speaking Hebrew, unless you think that perhaps they were speaking English and then every human being on Earth forgot English while the Bible was being written, and then started speaking it again thousands of years later.
WackyTheMadOne: I find that quite interesting even thought I am an aitheist, that is actually really believable but why would everyone forget English? I dont know much but is it something to do with the big flood where everyone except Noah was killed?
wwickeddogg: I guess it depends on the method that you believe was used to convey the stories to the peope writing them down. As far as I know, Christians believe that the people who wrote the Bible got it directly from god, so either god translated the quotes from the original English into Hebrew, or the people heard it in English and then wrote it in Hebrew and forgot the English while writing it.
WackyTheMadOne: Well it seems like BS to me but maybe Im just too narrow minded to get all of this.
wwickeddogg: lol, I wonder how many Christians know what Jesus' actual name was.
WackyTheMadOne: It was actually Emanuel and Im not even a Christian...
wwickeddogg: Yeshua
WackyTheMadOne: Ok, this is bullshit. First I hear its Emanuel then Jesus the Yeshua or whatever, fuck this, Im going to go see myself out now...
| 11 | 1 | |
1411143899 | 1411205375 | t3_2gvfcb | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaking someone's hand
This fuck-up actually happened today, this morning.
So my college campus occasionally gives out free condoms to students, to encourage safe sex and whatnot, as long as you come to the monthly meetings you'll get a couple condoms. Now, I got two condoms that were still attached together by the dotted rip-line. This bothered me, for whatever reason, and as I was in the elevator heading down to street level, I decided to rip them apart. As it happened it wasn't so much "ripping them apart" as I accomplished, instead I ended up ripping them open.
The elevator was at ground floor, and I didn't really want people to judge me fumbling with two open condoms, so I just stuffed them into one of the pockets of my sweatshirt. I walked out into the brisk early-autumn air, thinking nothing of it, planning to get rid of them later when I get to a bathroom.
As I walking back to my dorm, I ran into some girl from my english class. "BlackbeardTheMusical!" she said. "What's up?" She thought I seemed like a pretty nice guy and wanted to get to know me a bit better. So we were walking and talking, and I absentmindedly put my hands into my pockets (like I said, it was pretty cool out). A few seconds later I realized two things: A) I still had the condoms in there, and B) my hand was starting to knock one of them to the outside of my pocket, where they might fall out or be seen. So I stuffed it back in and held it there.
Here's the painful-to-write bit of all this. I get to my dorm building. She says "It was nice meeting you!" and goes to shake my hand. Not thinking, I take my hand out - the one that had just had a battle with the condom - and shake her hand. She gets a weird look on her face and now I realize that my fingers are totally lubed up, and she can feel it and I can feel it. She probably doesn't know it's lube though, right? But she still looks weirded out, so I need to make this better somehow. Thinking quickly, I decided that truthfulness was the best way out of this, and say "Oh, sorry, my hand is lubed up." Obviously that was the wrong thing to say, because she has a very worried look on her face and she's laughing nervously like she's trying to figure out the joke. By way of further explanation I bring out the open condom wrapper. The condom falls on the ground. My face is bright red. I pick the condom up, apologize, and leave.
It's safe to assume I did not make any friends today.
Azusa1362: 2 condoms a month doesn't really sound like a great safe sex program.
tranzalorebreech: in all fairness it worked for op. sorry dude, that's pretty messed up, I hate it when the dice fall that way.> s a month doesn't really sound like
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411144305 | 1411217295 | t3_2gvg2k | t5_2to41 | 2,289 | pizzaguysawme: TIFU by answering the door naked
So I'm always one for fun and games and my roommates and I were having a girls night in playing Cards of Humanity. We decided to raise the stakes and whoever had the lowest point total by the time the delivery guy came would have to answer the door naked. My sense of humor has always been fairly terrible so naturally I had the lowest point total.
So in the spirit of keeping our promise and liquid confidence I answered the door naked and I regretted it as soon as I realized I recognized the pizza delivery boy. I'm a senior in college and In high school I was a part of this after school tutoring program which tutored elementary students form K-6th grade. This 6th grader, who was probably 11 ish at the time always had a crush on me and he was always shy around me, and I thought he was adorable.
Turns out that adorable kid, who is probably now 16-17 delivers pizza and got the surprise of his life. We both froze, I quickly gave him the money, told him to keep the change and quickly shut the door. My friends thought it was the funniest thing ever, so Kaden if you are on reddit, enjoy this TIFU.
everymanawildcat: That's not a fuck up... You just gave this guy epic fappage.
drz400s: Agreed. This is what the pizza delivery guy hopes for.
The only thing wrong is he won't ever have a better day at that job.
everymanawildcat: Hey OP, next time you order from that place, (and I guarantee they have a note on your account so everyone fights over that order) order a large sausage in an overly sensual voice.
longliveaffinity: [Seemed appropriate.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szCIMUmDyqY)
dohdoh64: Risky click was risky.
rjchau: Sounds like you've been watching too much CinemaSins. :)
dohdoh64: ;)
| 8 | 286.125 | |
1411143514 | 1411162846 | t3_2gvejj | t5_2to41 | 87 | sciguy2000: TIFU by having pretty much every form of payment except usable ones
Hey /r/TIFU, not sure how to feel about getting to finally post, but I'm still laughing. So, storytime? Storytime.
I'm a college student on vacation, headed back this Saturday. This may or may not be my final vacation at my family's house before I start living near my college 300 miles south, so I want to make sure I get some nice closure. My best friend still lives here, and we decided to make sure we have one last good hangout before I go back, and visits become rare. However, he's busy pretty all of today. So, Brilliant Idea #1 comes to mind. "Hey, let's sneak out, hit up the nearby Denny's, it'll be great!" So, about 1:30, everyone's asleep, I head out the house, pick him up, and we head to Denny's for our regular gallon of coffee and random breakfast foods. It hits 3:10, and we're pretty much done. Because my parents wake up at 4:00 for their daily commute, and it would probably be bad if they headed outside just to find their commuter car missing, we decided to pay up now and head back to his house to say our goodbyes and be all mushy and stuff.
The bill's ~$22, his food was ~$13, mine is ~$9. I pull out my wallet, and look for my debit card. And, lo and behold, it's gone. This does not bode well. I ask my friend if he can cover me, and I'll pay him back after I head home and find my debit card. He agrees, and pulls out a prepaid card he's been using. Waitress swipes it, and, just our luck, the register spits it back out and refuses it. Luckily, though, I have my checkbook, from paying college tuition during the daytime. I pull it out and start writing, only for the waitress to tell me that they don't accept checks. So, here we are, two college guys, trying to foot a bill we both have the money for, but can't pay. We pool every possible method of payment we have, and take stock.
He has: his prepaid card, a $5 bill. I have: a checkbook, my lucky $2 bill, and an old lost, canceled, then found again debit card that I hadn't thrown away from some reason.
We both have the money, but need to find a way to extract the money from whatever account it's in.
We're both pretty hyperactive from the 5 mugs of coffee each.
I'm about as stealthy as a bull moose on meth, even barring the effect that all of the caffeine in my system is having, and would prefer not to risk waking up my parents by trundling about the house, looking for my debit card.
My phone is dead, and his has no signal.
It is now 3:15, and I have 45 minutes to get home before my parents decide I look better with a rather large boot up where the sun don't shine.
T-00:45:00; GO
We agree that, of both our situations, my money would be easier to extract, plus, as it was my idea to have this little adventure, I'm gonna try and fix it. Brilliant Idea #2: "I'm gonna head out to the nearby 24/7 grocery store, cash a check for the bill, and be right back." My friend agreed to stay behind so they could be sure I was coming back.
T-00:35:00;
I arrive at said grocery store, and explain my situation to the only cashier available. He understands, says he can't just cash the check, but if I buy something and pay with a check that's $22 extra, he can give me the cash I need. So, with a solution in sight, I grab a pack of gum for my coffee breath, and get to writing the check. But, of course, it wasn't that easy. He takes a look at my check, and says he actually can't accept it, because my particular checkbook had no address printed on it, making it invalid, and only good for e-checks. Damn. He advises me to try the Walmart nearby, hopefully their store policy is more lenient.
T-00:25:00;
I rush into the Walmart, grab another pack of gum, and head to the counter. As I start writing the check, the cashier looks at me with the gaze of someone who is completely done with the world, and calls over her manager to handle my usage of the kind of payment most often used by the kind of cranky old geezer who pulls out a pack of 40-year-old coupons in front of a huge line. Unfortunately for me, my check is still without address, and very much invalid. Damn.
T-00:15:00;
I rush back to the Denny's seeing as I'm almost completely out of time. I'm not going to leave my friend stranded there, and I'd rather not get flayed by my parents. Time for my last resort, Brilliant Idea #3: "Look, I seriously need to get back, my head wouldn't look good on a spike. I'm gonna leave my phone here as collateral so I can take my friend home, get to my house before my parents wake up, find my debit card and/or the money in cash after my parents leave the house, and come back to pay the debt." The deal is accepted, and we're off.
T-00:01:00;
After rushing my friend back to his house, I manage to get in my house, walk up the stairs, get in my room, and fake sleep without dropping a precious vase or tripping over my foot. Not a minute later, I hear the faint beep of an alarm ringing. SUCCESS. It's not all over yet, though.
OVERTIME
T+01:00:00;
It's 5:00, and the coffee's still got me pretty impatient. I've been waiting for an hour now so that I could start searching, and coffee's effect on the bladder is not helping at all. Finally, before my bladder bursts or I try to find a can in which to let the yellow river flow, I watch my parents leave from my window, and I can search.
T+01:30:00;
No dice on the debit card. Well, damn. However, I did turn over my room, searching in every nook and cranny, And, among the various kinds of currency I had, including some Canadian dollars, Mexican pesos, Guatemalan quetzales, Russian rubles, and Kenyan...shillings, I think? I managed to find $33 in loose change. Finally, the money is in hand.
T+01:55:00;
Finally, after going back to the grocery store to exchange all that change for bills as to not be more of a pain, I arrive at the Denny's for the last time at 5:55, with the cash in hand. There's another waitress at the register, presumably the other one had ended her shift. I explain the situation to the waitress, that yes, I'm the idiot that left his phone as collateral for not having $22. She rings me up, and I hand her all the cash I had collected, leaving the rest as tip for our waitress. The new one assures me it'll get to her, and I hope it makes our whole fiasco less stupid for her. The debt is paid, and I walk off, wondering just what the hell happened.
END
tl;dr: To pay a Denny's bill at 3:00 AM my best friend and I try to, in succession: find my lost debit card, pay with a prepaid card that isn't accepted, pay with a check that also isn't accepted, find out my checks aren't valid at a grocery store and a Walmart, and finally leave my phone at said Denny's as collateral so I can sneak back into my house, wait for my parents to leave to work, and flip my room for spare change.
Voyager5555: You have to sneak out of your house when you're in college?
sciguy2000: My parents still enjoy treating me like I'm in middle school. A pain, but whatever, I'll be out of here soon enough anyways.
Haldthin: I know your pain.
| 4 | 21.75 | |
1411144439 | 1411270080 | t3_2gvgax | t5_2to41 | 58 | Rogerspotatobread: TIFU by getting blue balls.
This happened a while a go but this story is too good to leave untold.
About a week ago I had just gotten home from spending some time with my grilfriend. We hadn't seen each other in a while and were "catching up". After about an hour of making out and some heavy petting I had to go home. Unable to remove the thought of her sexy body against mine from my mind, i developed the worst case of blue balls I have ever had the misfortune of having. By the time I got home I just needed to relieve myself and that was my only priority. I searched all over my house for some lube but couldn't find any. I then remembered that lotion works relatively well as a lubricant so I grabbed the first thing near me that was lotion-like and started my desperately needed wank. About halfway through my sweet relief came a sweet warming sensation. I just figured it was normal friction so I squeezed a little more out of the tube and resumed. Suddenly that oh so warm feeling turned into a slight burning sensation. I thought "well that's odd". I looked at my "lotion" and realized very quickly that I had made a huge mistake.Turns out my so-called lotion ended up being muscular warming cream. Not much more time passed and my cock was on fire. I'm talking about sticking your wonderboy in a pot full of fire ants. I started running around the house trying anything to cool down my pickled sausage. In my efforts, I ended up waking my family. My dad (a retired marine) comes downstairs buck-ass nude with his .45 in hand, ready to kill the intruder. Little did he know that the 'intruder' was his beloved son dipping his burning boner in the tub of Cool Whip. I look up to my wrinkly-ass dad holding a gun with this look of shock on his face. No words were spoken and there will be none. That is the last time i try to use any lotion for lube.
TL;DR
I got sever blue balls from making out with my gf. I tried to rub one out using muscular warming cream and ended up setting my cock on fire. Flashed a burning, whipped cream- covered boner at my naked dad who was about to shoot an intruder.
exit108: How old are you?
Rogerspotatobread: I'm eighteen and have been dating my girlfriend for about a year.
exit108: OH ok and you're both still living at home got it I wondered just couldn't figure why you and her didn't go further and get you some release but the age kinda explains id.
Rogerspotatobread: Yeah, I'm sorry about the confusion. I also live an hour away from her so I had a pretty long while to let my thoughts develop.
exit108: No problem I understand your frustration at the situation.
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1411145813 | 1411239695 | t3_2gviwc | t5_2to41 | 294 | [deleted]: TIFU by posting in r/gonewild
So there was a curiosity phase where I posted in /r/gonewild with a few different accounts, none are active now, but it was definitely something of the past (2 years ago). In the mean time, a lot has changed, I graduated college, started working in a PR/marketing firm and have come across a lot of interesting people.
I recently had this girl who interned with the company that was incredibly gorgeous, all the guys at work desperately sought her attention. At one time I ended up at a happy hour with her, and since I had no other plans we kept drinking and talking, it was refreshing to get to know someone new for a change.
She later opens up to me and tells me she was a lesbian, but had only come out to her close friends, and one thing led to another and I told her about how I used to post on /r/gonewild at times, chuckling to myself because I had never told ANYONE at that point.
She remarks that she had posted a couple times to different subs on reddit, and she always had a few posters or saved random pictures she was fond of. Naturally I asked to see some of them, god knows why, and ONE OF THE PICTURES WAS MINE!
I paused, for a second, and luckily she didn't noticed I almost choked on my drink, but I could not believe it lol. I had a bracelet that I was given on my sweet 16, that I always wear and later in the conversation she happened to notice, and commented that it looked so familiar. I don't know if she went home yesterday and went through those pictures, definitely kind of nervous/anxious to see if she puts 2 and 2 together. Keep ya updated strangers of r/tifu!
[deleted]: >I had a bracelet that I was given on my sweet 16, that I always wear and later in the conversation she happened to notice, and commented that it looked so familiar.
I was with ya until this point... I call BS
Aarenas52: Wait y call bs? I have worn bracelets like these: http://njinla.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/bracelets_giveaway.jpg
And i keep them on for years.
Ps: the ones i have are not as wide but other than that they are made of string and stuff.
lolzergrush: It's not the fact that someone was wearing the bracelet, it's the idea that she recognized a single bracelet from a pic on the internet several years ago.
This is just bullshit.
TheKhaosReigns: she was showing her the pics she saved?
| 5 | 58.8 | |
1411144416 | 1411155646 | t3_2gvg96 | t5_2to41 | 3 | LoMinh: TIFU by saying someone has a HUGE dick.
This happened yesterday.
I am on my way home from work. I have just moved from California to North Carolina (I just finished my contract with the military). The movers said that they would have my belongings (TV, computer, furniture, clothes) shipped to my home address mid-august. It has been over a month and I haven't gotten it delivered yet.
I decided to give the moving company a call to see where my stuff is. I give them all my information and they put me on hold. I have been placed on hold for a while, and it wasn't any of those traditional holds from any company, it was just silent. As I approached a red light, there was this lifted truck full of stickers. Without thinking, I say out loud sarcastically, "OH MAN! This guy MUST HAVE a HUUUGE dick!" (It's a joke in the military whoever has their truck lifted and have a bunch of stickers to have a "huge dick")
As soon as I finished my sarcastic remark, I hear a loud hang up sound. At this point I'm thinking to myself, "What the hell was that?" I look around everywhere to see where the sound came from, I glance at my dashboard and it said, "Call ended." It was then that I realized I was still on the phone with the moving company.
I've tried calling all day today but every time they ask for who's calling, and as soon as they get my name, they hang up on me. I don't know when I will ever get all my belongings sent home to me.
**tl;dr:** I was on the phone, forgot I was on hold, said someone had a huge dick, now the moving company is ignoring me, don't know when I will ever get my things.
AndFallAsWell: Fuck that moving company. I would be worried where all my stuff is. Are they keeping it in a storage locker? Are they pawning it? U gotta sue them man. They cant get away with this shit. Saying one little remark doesnt mean they can just hold ur stuff.
LoMinh: After getting redirected a million times, I got a hold of someone telling me that it's in storage, and they are trying to schedule a delivery ASAP.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411147841 | 1411151697 | t3_2gvmo0 | t5_2to41 | 6 | stoshumala17: TIFU by sending a potential employee an "Antoine Dodson / Bed Intruder" meme about how stupid she is...
She submitted her resume to my company and she titled the email as "hear is my resume". So I promptly went to forward that email to a coworker with a Antoine Dodson meme with "You so stoopid" on it....
needless to say the phone rang and I accidentally sent the meme to the candidate and not my coworker.
I sent an email apologizing and explaining it was not meant for her and I got email windows mixed up and I haven't gotten anything back yet :-/
TIFU
Edit: because now I am the "stoopid" one...sigh
coreygrandy: >I sent *and* email
[&#3232;_&#3232;](http://imgur.com/q4A3mn0)
stoshumala17: Yeah, fuck me.
coreygrandy: Didn't mean to offend you...
stoshumala17: :-P No, its totally ironic. My real life karma...
coreygrandy: Good enough, just wanted to be sure it wasn't taken the wrong way!
| 6 | 1 | |
1411147797 | 1411235878 | t3_2gvmko | t5_2to41 | 5 | GogNMagog: TIFU by Letting My Girlfriend Sleep While I Drove from Arkansas to New Orleans
My girlfriend and I have been traveling the country, living in our van, and writing/photographing our journey for 4 months. We've visited 24 States, 9 national parks, and countless towns and cities. Our plan as a writer and photographer team was to produce a blog/book. Thats over now.
After spending 12 straight hours (stopping only for gas) we arrived in New Orleans, exhausted, and ready for sleep at 4 in the morning. We have a friend we're staying with in the Bywater. My girlfriend unloaded or more valuable things out of the car, we hit the mattress and slept for 10 hrs. We were in such an exhausted fog that the next morning it was almost a surprise to find ourselves waking in New Orleans.
"You need anything from the car?", I said, "I am gonna get our computers."
She sat upright, suddenly remembering something, and rushed past me into the parking lot. I find her devastated, bawling and panicking. In a haze the night before she had left our computers on the top of the van. They were gone. Thousands of pictures between the two of us, all my writing from the past 2 years, and even not yet published page layouts and spreads from a comic company I worked for: GONE.
Was going to try and scalp Tim and Eric tickets while I was here, try and get into the show, but now our only source of income is gone.
TL;DR Had our laptops with every bit of evidence of our 4 month summer adventure stolen because of our own stupidity.
donbugme: Sorry to say you'll probably never see them again, & don't expect any help from the Police. You might wanna check the closest pawn shops in the area.
GogNMagog: Yeah. Filed a police report for no reason. Going to have the good old fashioned New Orleans pawn shop hunt today + hanging fliers.
donbugme: Well, if you have insurance you might get reimbursed. You might want to call the police & talk to the desk officer that deals with pawn shops since you have a theft/incident report. Good luck, you never know..
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411147848 | 1411241857 | t3_2gvmoj | t5_2to41 | 850 | MeSoStuped: TIFU by implying to a police officer that I murdered a child
I had the day off work yesterday and was enjoying a leisurely romp on Reddit when I heard a knock on the door. Not just any knock, but the most damned authoritative knock possible. I imagine that if the president personally came to my house because I was the only one who could stop an alien invasion and the eventual annihilation of the human race, this is the knock he would use. I put on my pants and opened the door to an especially burly police officer.
There was no greeting, no friendly hello and how do you do, just a very curt, "Are you Mohammad Foreignlastname?"
It took me a second to recover from the shock, but being the most pasty white motherfucker you've ever seen, I eventually cracked a smile. "Nope, I'm (My real name)."
"Ok, do you mind if we search your house for Mohammad?"
Here was my thought process at this point: First, I have no idea who this Mohammad guy is and there is no way he's in my house. The search would be a waste of time. Second, my house is a mess and I don't want anybody to see it until I clean. Third, I'm a libertarian kind of guy and don't want to give some stranger the right to go through my stuff, especially a government official. I don't do anything illegal, but that isn't the point. Therefore, I said, "No, I would prefer if you didn't enter my house."
Still super serious, "Ok, well we have an arrest warrant here (hands me warrant) that lists your address. That means we have the legal right to search this residence so please move aside."
Darn, bested by the courts. "Okie dokie," I replied "I won't stop you if you're coming in." Suddenly, shockingly, a second police officer appeared next to the first, as if by magic. He had been hiding with his back to my house less than a foot from me. Very tricksy. They did a quick run through of my house while I waited in the living room. I figured it would be less than a minute before they realized there were no foreigners hiding under the bed, but they were pretty thorough.
After about five minutes, the burly officer came to me with an old shirt. "Why was this hidden behind the dryer?" It was a plain white t shirt absolutely covered in dried blood. The astute reader might question why this author has a shirt that was covered in blood. The reason, dear reader, is that I briefly raised chickens and slaughtered them myself. It was a horrifically messy business and therefore I sold all my equipment after I finished killing the 26 chickens. I basically broke even.
"Well," I answered, "at least it isn't my blood." I thought I was being funny. I thought the officer would enjoy the nice little joke. As a further bit of information, a little girl went missing in my community maybe a year ago. It was huge news and everyone has assumed by now that she was kidnapped and probably has been murdered.
Suddenly there is a gun pointed at me and I'm on the ground in handcuffs. Suddenly there are a dozen police officers and dogs going through my house and yard and the woods behind my house. Especially the woods. I tried to explain, but where was the proof? You don't have chickens now, you don't have a brooder or coop. Sure there are some chickens in the deep freezer, but you can get chickens at Sams Club. There is no way in Hell that this punk ass bitch is a farmer.
My wife got home with our daughter to this grand circus going on at our house. "What about the pictures I took of you with the chickens?" Oops, forgot about those bad boys. She got our camera and showed the officer in charge. Me with the chicks, me in the coop, me fist deep inside a chicken wearing the same white blood covered shirt. Bingo bango, they called off the search. I have no hope of getting my shirt back.
Moral of the story: Don't joke about murder with a cop.
fucking_web_dev: Arrest warrants are only for the arrest, if you have probable cause to believe the suspect is inside, then you'll have what you need to get a search warrant. If you visually see the suspect, you can go after him, regardless of the homeowners decision, but ONLY if you see him.
A cop absolutely cannot enter your house just because your address is listed in the arrest warrant.
Source: deputy for over a decade. Have served thousands of warrants.
so_much_to_s_s_say: Thanks for this. But scenario:
What if I stated this to the officer then s/he quickly fabricated a "probable cause"? Do they do this usually?
fucking_web_dev: The cop has to take his fabricated probable cause to a judge. If the judge agreed that there is probable cause then he'll issue the search warrant. If the cop executed the search warrant and finds nothing, thereby shutting on his probable cause, it looks bad on him and the judge and could possibly get both their asses in a sling. That's what stops this from happening for the most part.
If it comes out that it was bullshit, the cop can end up in jail.
misterphilly: "the cop can end up in jail"
LMAO would that really happen though?? Really???
myepicdemise: The cop would probably be sent away for a 2 week vacation and then be back at his job like usual.
revofire: And a promotion.
| 7 | 121.428571 | |
1411147983 | 1411164600 | t3_2gvmxk | t5_2to41 | 25 | TokugawaSen: TIFU by eagerly unemploying myself
Throwaway since some of my friends are Redditors.
As a college student trying to have a nonzero amount of money to work with, I looked for some part-time jobs and actually managed to find one. The pay wasn't stellar, but after I did some math, I found out that this job would push my monthly earnings just slightly over my expected expenditures, meaning I can pay off my tuition, have food on the table, cover my monthly bills, and have some left over to put towards my savings. Wow!
I was of course ecstatic, and signed up for shifts as often as I could, working my back off every day and earned a constant stream of merits for the first two weeks. Time came for new hires to sign into a permanent schedule and I jumped on the opportunity, requesting a large number of shifts in my free time. After I submitted the form, I realized that I would also be free on Saturday afternoon, and went to request a shift at that time.
Unbeknownst to me, this caused my previous requests for >10 shifts to be overwritten by a single request to a Saturday shift, which I found out today (a week after the fact) was denied because my schedule now went under the 6 hours per week requirement. The supervisors were sympathetic but could not do anything about it as it's now past the sign-up deadline. So now I'm sitting in my car with my income slashed by over 60%, pondering which deity I pissed off, and desperately convincing myself that my emergency fund will last until I can find replacement income.
**tl;dr** My negligence in not double-checking on the status of my job just reamed myself in the ass with the fury of a serrated dragon dildo coated in hot sauce.
TheodoorfromJaffa: Good work ethic.
Dirty3vil: exactly what i thought lol
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1411150150 | 1411276089 | t3_2gvqy9 | t5_2to41 | 197 | dumbdrunkslut: TIFU By Not Keeping It In My Pants
TIFU Well, it was a while back, but this is something I don't think I can come back from; so much so that this is a throwaway.
tl;dr: Drunkenly fucked my SO's brother.
A little background: My SO, we'll call him Johnny, and I are really close to our families and often times we have a family member staying at our home for days at a time. We are gracious hosts and always make sure that our wine cellar is stocked for when out guests/family want a little alcohol with a meal or party.
So, for the "incident": 9 weeks ago we had Johnny's brother at our house, we will call him Jamison. He's a good looking guy, not going to lie there, but Johnny and I have been together for years and I have no interest in his brother, however; one night of profuse wine intake made me a little incoherent, and flirty. I was unaware at the time of my fuck up and I wound up having sex with Jamison. He went his way, I went mine and I only remembered getting laid, so naturally, I assumed it was with Johnny and I didn't think anything of it.
So, today I go to my OBGYN and find out I am, in fact, pregnant. Yay! We've been trying to have a baby, so I'm excited. I go home to tell Johnny the good news and playfully say that we need to have dunk sex more often to which he replied, "we have NEVER had drunk sex". At this point I think he is pulling a pretty cruel prank, and I reminded him of the night Jamison him and I got drunk, to which he replied, "if you had sex that night it wasn't with me."
Realization kicked in and now I feel like the worst SO in the whole world.
-UPDATE:
I had a lot of requests for an update, so...
Jamison is now surprisingly excited about being a father. I was definitely not expecting that. He and Johnny had a heart-to-heart, and it looks like they want to work things out as a team. Johnny initially asked me to move out, but changed his mind as I was about to leave.
anewcharizard: honestly i only feel bad for johnny in this situation. the kid as well. OP and Jamison are gold and silver medalists of the douche olympics. no amount of alcohol magically strips your clothes off and makes you bang your SO's brother, or your brother's SO. there always is some level of cognition.
dumbdrunkslut: You are right to an extent. I knew I was having sex, I just thought it was with my SO. If you are not used to drinking profusely, some details get muddled.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Need to stop lying to yourself and others. You knew exactly what you were doing. You just didn't care.
For someone who has had 20 or 30 opportunities to cheat in an inebriated state, it's very obvious when people like you come around and just lie. You don't even really feed bad about it. You came on an internet forum to get upvotes to make up for any lingering guilt, your comments don't take the subject matter seriously, and you don't really seem to even care about your now ex-SO.
My question is, since you obviously have no remorse nor do you think you've done anything wrong, why even bother posting here? Do you get some sort of thrill out of bragging about this? Or is it just to pass time?
Either way, you should try being honest sometime. To your loved ones, your SO, or hell even internet strangers. Otherwise you'll end up alone. :/
KaleStrider: Nice slut shaming.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Speaking out against cheating is not slut shaming. Cheating is purposely engaging in an activity that you know will hurt someone else emotionally. Cheating is raping your most treasured loved one's mind for a cheap thrill. This has nothing to do with sex.
KaleStrider: No, but it does have something to do with the fact that they were both drunk. Cheating is the *willful* engaging in an activity; she was **black-out** drunk and incapable of decision making.
The reason I accuse you of slut shaming is because you instantly blamed her despite the obvious fact that she was fucking drunk.
EDIT: **Bold stuff**
Totally_Ok_Guy: I've been blackout drunk. Never cheated. Had plenty of opportunities. Drunk drivers are to blame for the car accidents they cause, drunk cheaters are to blame for the train wrecks they cause. It was willful.
We can agree to disagree on this by the way, it is a subjective opinion and I admit that. I hold no resentment towards those who feel differently, but I also don't really associate myself with them. I come from a family where both parents cheated, where my parent's parents cheated, and so on and so forth. I've had the opportunity, sober and drunk, to cheat. My views are shaped by my experiences.
KaleStrider: Same here- a lot of people cheat. I'm just beginning to see it as a sign of human nature rather than an evil prevailing society.
People act differently when drunk; I know that extremely well. Me? I'm a surprising trooper with alcohol; short yet long-term. My brother in law? Fucking flat on his face after 3 beers, crashing into walls, going to sleep and then sleep walking straight into a chair- the guy has to be practically tied down when he's drunk (which is why he's no longer allowed to drink with the rest of us). Whether or not their ability to think clearly is incumbered depends on how they handle their alcohol.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Yes but here's my opinion:
If you are a lightweight, don't drink. You aren't responsible enough to handle yourself. If you knowingly get drunk (with the knowledge that you have no tolerance), you don't also get to say "whoops I cheated haha I blame alcohol."
Look at the way the OP addressed this situation. Super light hearted, as if she did not care one bit about the consequences of her actions or how it hurt her SO. She was so cavalier in her posts. It's slightly sociopathic if you ask me.
For me it's not about good vs. evil. Monogamy, polygamy, polyamory, whatever. I'm all for it. When I enter into a social contract with another person, and the stipulations of that contract are broken by them, I will be hurt. I will be offended. If they did that knowingly, purposefully, then I judge them unfit for my company and morally bankrupt. The point is, she had a pact with her SO, broke it on purpose, and then happily posted about it on the internet as if it was a casual Tuesday night fuck up.
For me, people like that are the lowest rung of humanity. And a word about the brother: he's there too. However, her acts are judged (by me) separately. She did this. She posted about it. If he was posting about it, I would probably be even more upset (although the brother might actually have some remorse).
KaleStrider: I'm a lightweight who can easily handle 5 beers without getting shit-faced (I get shit faced on the next one). The difference between me and my brother in law is that I drank them over the course of 5 hours... He drank them in less than 10 minutes. Responsibility is taught.
My judgement of her personality is much different; she's in shock from all of the events that transpired. She just got awesome news, but also life breaking news. Her last few years are now a waste- she is broken. It's normal for people to act like it doesn't affect them as much as it does when they're deeply in shock.
>I will be hurt. I will be offended.
You are allowed to feel that way, but I'm saying that your feelings should never make your judgements for you. The greater good is far more important. In this situation there is now a kid without a father because the father cared more about his emotions than the life of his bastard son.
Totally_Ok_Guy: No, she could easily have an abortion. But she is an irresponsible person who only cares about herself. The kid is growing up without a father because his moron mother both broke a social contract and then irresponsibly decided to bring a child into the world without a proper structure in which to raise him.
The father is doing exactly as he should. When someone breaks a social contract with you they are expelled. This is the nature of the contract. All benefits they reaped from that social contract are instantly taken away. This is why I am against our current prison system as well, why I heavily favor the death penalty, and why I believe that the mother in this case is a narcissistic prick.
Responsibility is not "taught." Taking responsibility for your body, actions, and your legacy is innate and instinctual. Those who do not have these traits deserve to die. My parents took care of me. Awesome. I take care of them sometimes now too. We entered into a social contract when I came of age, one which I have never and will never break.
My relationships end with people for various reasons, sometimes because the social contracts are temporary, or sometimes because they were mutually disintegrated. However, when someone purposely breaks the rules of a social contract, they should be punished. If it is a personal relationship, that punishment is the dissolving of the relationship. If it is a societal contract, the punishment should be immediate expulsion. Since we can no longer just send them to another place, they are put into a confinement for a length of time to rehabilitate and come to terms with the reasons they must follow the social contract. If they are unable to be rehabilitated, or the offense is too great, they are terminated. That is how the system should work.
This woman is not in shock. You don't post on the internet in clear fashion while making a mockery of her relationship when you are in shock. Look at her others posts. She is not in shock.
KaleStrider: It seems we're going to just have to disagree on a lot of things then. Like you I also have a problem with the current prison system as it doesn't represent justice, but our terms for justice seem very different.
You seem concerned with punishing those who do wrong, I do not. I am concerned with changing them, teaching them, and helping them readjust to society. This also means no more vengeance, no more "punishing them so the victim can feel good." Justice is not about making amends to petty feelings.
We also disagree on whether or not she is in shock- everything I read of her reads like she has no fucking idea what to do and she's basically given up hope. A normal response is to try to cheer oneself up by making self-insulting jokes. Her user name is clear indication of this. She thinks she's a hopeless slut. She thinks she's utterly fucked.
As for the abortion part- that's not too rare. Even I suggest she get one, but she seems intent on keeping it. It's likely she lives in a place where abortion is illegal or seen as an even worse crime then cheating.
Totally_Ok_Guy: For the first part, it's not just about the punishment. The punishment is the rehabilitation coupled with exclusion for societal life. However, we must admit some cannot be rehabilitated and I think this is our primary disagreement: I believe those who reject the social contract must be removed from society with extreme prejudice. The option to conform to a small non-society that costs the society resources should be removed.
As for the abortion part, that is tragic. However, I have to go back a bit on what I said before, as I don't think the father leaving the mother is punishing the child. We both know that family structure is not static. Single parent families, mixed families, gay and foster families... there are many options available.
Might be that your diagnosis is more accurate. Either way, she should remove herself from the lives she has poisoned and start anew. No matter how you look at this, the only real victim is the nonfather who could have been. You can't be a victim of your own circumstance, and his were forced on him, while the other two went in knowingly.
KaleStrider: >The option to conform to a small non-society that costs the society resources should be removed.
Hang on, are you proposing the death penalty for *all* criminals? You know that there's evidence to suggest that you can rehabilitate even the worst of them right? (Excluding true psychotic individuals)
Totally_Ok_Guy: No no no, removed from the society into the nonsociety (prison). The nonsociety persists for only rehabilitation. However, long term sentences don't make sense. If you can't rehabilitate the person in a short term (6-12 months), then there is no reason to waste the resources. End them.
Now, 12 months might seem like a light sentence for a criminal, but if we then impose sanctions to slowly reintroduce them into society and give them extra responsibilities (i.e. a drunk driver uses a breathing device for his car, house arrest, wage garnishment), then they make more sense.
As for a rapist or a murderer, conviction should equal execution. 12 months of appeals and then death. Of course this is idealistic, our justice system is a piece of crap anyway.
KaleStrider: I don't think 12 months is enough time to teach most people. We're talking about gangsters who literally don't know any better- for them it could take as many as 10 years. I say we should take that time since the death penalty is currently too costly for that option.
The biggest reason people who get out of jail go straight back in is because they have no useful skills for society. I say as part of the jail time they should be given a college education. This should also come with free college education for everyone in the Us so we don't give an incentive to go to prison.
Totally_Ok_Guy: I'm not talking about current. I'm talking about my ideal.
If you're a thug, you're dead. Peace. Good riddance. I don't care about your circumstance. I don't want to rehabilitate a thug. Death penalty shouldn't cost anything, it does because of politics. It doesn't cost any money to shoot a guy in the head until his brain is gone.
Free college education for all is pretty silly if you work in the education sector as I do. Most jobs do not actually require a college degree. We should base life on a meritocracy. You do well in high school, among the top 20%? Great, free college for you.
Everyone else? Pay for college or get to work. Many things would have to change from the way they are now, but again this is the ideal, not the real.
KaleStrider: That is an extremely heartless system.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Macro > micro.
KaleStrider: Macro x micro > macro
Totally_Ok_Guy: Macro comes first, then you micro. Get rid of the defective cogs to bring the working cogs into a better overall standard of living. Your theory is backwards.
KaleStrider: >Get rid of the defective cogs to bring the working cogs into a better overall standard of living. Your theory is backwards.
If you have no cogs to replace them than the system breaks down. If you repair the cogs and redesign them for optimum efficiency than the machine runs far better than before.
Your cogs are in short supply sir; considering humans are more than cogs it breaks down. Many of humanities' greatest minds came from criminal or poor backgrounds. Besides, the reason we even have thugs is because the system is fucked up.
Removing them is unnecessary as they are not broken. They are risen in a terrible position because our system doesn't care about them; in a way your position is a natural evolution of that. I wish to fix that broken system and catch the ones that fall out of the net.
The children of men do not deserve to die like animals.
Totally_Ok_Guy: We are animals. Nothing more, nothing less. In order for us to evolve, we must not selectively breed as we have the means to thwart evolution through science.
We can make as many children as we want. Are you kidding me? Our population has come nowhere near stabilized. We have a limitless supply of babies. Either way, I'd rather have our species die out than have it devolve into thugs.
Poverty doesn't necessitate crime, it only correlates and promotes it. Name one violent criminal that you consider to be one of the greatest minds of humanity. Show me them.
If you remove the disease, the body stops dying. When we have cancerous cells we kill them. We don't hope they stop being cancerous.
KaleStrider: You make the wrongful assumption of believing that criminal behavior is a genetic trait. We won't "devolve" into thugs- we will merely return to a previous social state of warlords. That is our species' norm.
Babies take longer than just 10 years.
As for criminal minds? Fine. Every other leader that has ever existed. Do you honestly think we made rules about warfare "just in case"? Hitler, Stalin, Ghengis Khan, some of the most fucked up minds ever were also the most brilliant. Hitler took a rundown nation and turned it into a powerhouse. Stalin took a nation on the verge of starvation and... Slaughtered most of his people, but buried his enemies under their corpses.
We have always been thugs; it has only been recently when we started *caring* about whom we raised did we realize that there was another possibility. There is no biological difference between a criminal and a normal person; only a family one.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Empathy is a genetic evolution. So in a way, yes being a thug is genetic.
I envision an altruist world with an emphasis on empathy. There is a genetic and biological commonality between many criminals, and I don't know how you could argue that.
KaleStrider: Do you consider me something other than an altruist- someone who is willing to give ALL people a second chance?
>There is a genetic and biological commonality between many criminals, and I don't know how you could argue that.
They share that commonality with regular folks. It's called being human. Unless, of course, you're talking about psychotics who aren't criminals- they're mentally disturbed.
My whole position is to reclassify criminal behavior as mental disorder and begin treating crime as though it is a mental health problem.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Criminals of opportunity wouldn't exist in a world structured correctly. Those who lack empathy or other desirable traits would. I think my argument stands.
We aren't that far apart.
KaleStrider: In a way I agree with you, but most criminals don't lack empathy. They have plenty of it... For people they consider worth it. Education would only have to expand their views- yes, that could take up to 10 years, but I think it would be worth it. We aren't just talking about the value of 10 years of housing, food, etc. versus 18 years of raising a kid (which already favors the criminals); those criminals would have kids and teach them right from wrong coming from experience as someone who fucked up and was corrected.
It shows that we *do not* abandon our own kind and that *everyone* is worth it. I think that matches much more easily with empathy than what you purpose.
Again, are you talking about psychotic individuals? Because I honestly don't know what to do about them; maybe your method is okay for them. I don't know enough about treating the insane.
Totally_Ok_Guy: I think we disagree on the definition of the term, empathy. Empathy means that you realize everyone else has just as many problems as you. They feel the same feelings. That they are people. And thus you don't rob them, steal from them, kill them, beat them up, or insult them.
I have ALWAYS had that. Yes my parents also instilled it in me, but at my very core, I never hit someone or something "just because I wanted to." I always realized "that thing, that person, has feelings."
They don't. Or they don't care. I'm trying to find our disconnect here.
KaleStrider: This is my definition of [Empathy](http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/empathy?s=t&path=/).
Our definitions are similar enough that it would not lead to such a difference later in the line. Those "thugs" are taught not to have empathy; have you ever studied gangs to any degree? If not I suggest looking into their recruitment practices.
I'm fairly certain that our disconnect is that I know most thugs are taught to either not have empathy (gangs/bad households) or cannot afford it (poor).
Totally_Ok_Guy: There are plenty of people who live in gang dominated areas who reject gangs. If everyone rejected gangs there would be no gang. There are plenty of people in suburban rich neighborhoods who are taught to have empathy who do not have it. They just show it differently. Thugs in the streets are no different than thugs on Wall St.
Empathy isn't learned. It's genetic. It can be reinforced, but I do not think it can be instilled in someone without it. This is my belief.
KaleStrider: >Empathy isn't learned. It's genetic. It can be reinforced, but I do not think it can be instilled in someone without it. This is my belief.
Not according to modern science. Just like psychotic individuals all behaviors are BOTH learned and genetic. Epigentics are a relatively new science, but the results are clear. Empathy is both genetic and learned.
You *can* teach it, but you can also teach it's opposite. Their recruitment programs are specifically meant to teach it's opposite.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Exactly it is both learned and genetic. Get rid of the people without it genetically. That's my argument. It's much easier and the trait is much stronger if it is reinforced than if it is taught to someone who doesn't have it to begin with.
KaleStrider: As far as science of it; here's what I could gather on short notice (sorry, I know there's better out there): http://sites.tufts.edu/reinventingpeace/2013/09/24/the-epigenetics-of-peace/
So the funny thing about epigenetics is that they actually can change throughout your life. If you're not born with the proper gene you can be taught it and suddenly bam: you have the epigene for it.
It's much easier to teach people than to kill them: that's my argument.
Totally_Ok_Guy: I think if we had an argument as to whether it was easier to kill or teach... well I mean isn't killing objectively easier? Like pow pow dead vs. years of education...
Anyway good conversation. Thanks for the fun but we've reached its end yeah?
KaleStrider: I think we have reached it's end.
My closing statement would be: growing a kid from zero to 18 to replace the one killed is a lot more time consuming and resource burning than retraining a person for a maximum of 10 years (many will learn before that).
| 37 | 5.324324 | |
1411149568 | 1411153952 | t3_2gvpv4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | music2loud: TIFU By being clumsy
I just started working at this new restaurant and today was the grand opening. I work back and forth between the kitchen and the front. I hoping to become a server but I lack experience in serving. Doors opened and I was totally pumped and ready to outshine my co workers (didnt happened). I greeted the guest and continue to make sure everyone is content. My boss then sends me to the back to polish glasses. The back is overflowing with glasses which are neatly stacked on top of each other in cases. I rush to polish to the glasses. When im finished polishing the glasses im told to take them to the bar . So of course as I lift the top case of glasses thinking I have a tight grip. Only to find out that as I was pulling the top case off I was pulling the bottom case too.The entire bottom cases of wine classes, martini glass comes crashing to the ground with a loud thud. and everyone stops what there doing just to look at me. And im stuck with the dumb new employee who just might not get her next check look. lol Today I Fucked Up.
txroller: did the glasses break? did you get fired?
music2loud: Yes all the glasses did break. But surprisingly my boss and employees were very understanding even helped me clean it up. So I'm still employed.
txroller: that's nice especially with you being new
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411149916 | 1411391200 | t3_2gvqju | t5_2to41 | 6 | Reku1: Tifu by forgetting I had an Exam today.
So im a freshman in college and have to use a site called blackboard for all my work and it comes with a calendar listing everything i have due and what i have to do that day. However it apparently only lists what the teachers tell it to list. My teacher didn't put the exam on the calendar so i just forgot about it. Show up to class and he just hands me a paper. I just looked at it confused until i realized we had an exam today. Probably failed it. My own fucking fault for trusting blackboard. How fucked am I for doing poor on an exam, can i come back or am I screwed?
MistryMan14: Blackboard is horrendous. The app sucks. The site sucks. Everything sucks. The timed quizzes.....and when I was in uni, i had to freakin use MyMathLab online to do math....Its a concept I still dont understand. Teaching math online....not cool.....As far as you comin back, its a 50/50 shot. Ask the professor and tell him the truth. If not, hopefully that class drops an exam or something?
tranzalorebreech: My pre-cal professor swore by MyMathLab. My calculus professor barely assigns homework from the book. My weekends are spent in a busy frenzy of self assigned calc homework to make sure I don't screw my grades up come exam times. I'm pretty sure his methodology is "if you don't put the time in on your own accord you deserve to fail".
MistryMan14: I feel for you bro. I really do. But you can do this.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411146648 | 1411156471 | t3_2gvkgx | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my own semen as hair gel...
So this literally happen not even 5 minutes ago...
I'm over my FWB house laying in bed watching some Netflix, well I start rubbing and touching on her initiating the deed.
We get started and after about 10 minutes later I do the courtesy pull out and start releasing the mayonnaise.
Well in the process of this larger than life load I get it all over my hand. (In the moment I didn't really realize my hand was covered in it.) So we are laying next to each other when I decided to run my hand completely through my hair...
We both have a laugh realizing what I did and I made a joke about not needing hair gel for awhile...
Ramast: You didn't fuck up
[deleted]: Still had sex... but still
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411103260 | 1411160255 | t3_2gu24p | t5_2to41 | 4 | Dont_You_Dare_PM_Me: TIFU by running into a blind person
This happened a few years back when I was looking at different colleges to apply to. I really wanted to go out of state and had a hard on for the University of Chicago. It was my first time in the big city, so I was doing all of the touristy things. I had my ipod and earbuds in, because I like listening to music and pretending I'm in a movie. I was looking up at the buildings when I tripped forward and realized I had walked into someone. I quickly said "sorry I didn't see you" before I realized I had tripped on this lady's cane stick thing and that she was blind. Poor lady probably thought I was an ass and making fun of her. I was really embarrassed and still feel bad to this day.
TL;DR : Ran into blind lady, accidentally made antagonizing comment
Sincerelysober: That's fine. At least you didn't outright tell her to watch where she was going
Dont_You_Dare_PM_Me: Oh man, that would have been bad!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411154492 | 1411163471 | t3_2gvyp4 | t5_2to41 | 34 | bmanny: TIFU by turning down the girl of my dreams because I was naked and cold.
This was about 5 years ago in college. I had a very close female friend. She was from Croatia, spoke 3 languages, tall, best legs I've ever seen, and just all around gorgeous. She was awesome. Beyond her looks she was hands down the most fun person I've met.
Previous to this incident we had kissed and cuddled a few times, but never hooked up. We had just finished swimming at the university pool, and walked back to our dorms. It was cold. Not winter coat cold, but constant wind blowing through my wet swimming trunks... you can see where this is going.
We end up jumping in the showers, because fuck that Chlorine feel, in adjacent stalls, shooting the shit and having fun, splashing water back and forth and she says, "Would it be weird if I came in there with you?"
I could have waited my whole life for that question and it would have been worth it. The warm fuzzy feeling I got was overwhelming. Unfortunately, my package was not. I looked down. My dick was burrowed so far into my nut sack it could have been hibernating for the winter.
I tried to stall... "uhhh...." I poked my junk. I tried getting some blood flowing. I even tried speed jerking to get some life into it.
Nothing. It was as dead as I feel typing this out right now.
"Uhhh... not right now?"
What the fuck is wrong with me? Looking back, I could have easily laughed the situation off to her and told her it was cold and shrug. I probably would have came to life immediately when I saw her. I understand my thinking then though. She was gorgeous and awesome, and I never expected I would actually have a shot at her. I didn't believe in myself, and I thought not immediately impressing her would end badly.
To this day I've never talked about the shower incident to her and why I said no, but she never made a move again, and I was either too chicken or never saw the change again.
TLDR: Got cold weather dick shy and told my dream girl she couldn't join me in the shower.
jay23738: Your turn to make to make the move! go talk to her
bmanny: She is married, we are still good friends
idle-eyes: That kinda sucks, man. I'm having second-hand feels.
TParis00ap: me too
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1411154461 | 1411166515 | t3_2gvyn7 | t5_2to41 | -4 | Bl4zeTMG: TIFU by taking a picture of a girl's ass.
This one actually happened today unlike a lot of other TIFUs.
So this happened a few hours ago in the lunch room where a kid was saying to us to look behind. And I saw this girl with a really nice ass. So a few people decide to take a picture of it and I thought I'd do the same. But I accidentally had the flash on and my lunch table noticed and got called a perverted prick by other people.
TL;DR, Saw this beautiful ass, took a picture with the flash on, and got ridiculed.
SpottedParsley: Yeah, maybe you shouldn't be a creep and respect girls. You can appreciate a nice ass with your eyes all you want, but taking a photo is crossing the line. That's just really rude.
SpeckleDorf9000: Feminist bitch
| 3 | -1.333333 |
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