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1411155410 | 1411157263 | t3_2gw0ah | t5_2to41 | 15 | adhoc92: TIFU by thinking all of the cigarettes at Rite-Aid were Tiny
I woke up this morning and realized I was out of cigarettes. I don't have a car and it's pretty cold out, so I decided to just wait a few hours until I wanted them enough to actually walk down.
Eventually, I reached critical mass and sprinted down to Rite-Aid. I walked up to the counter, half hunched over and out of breath. I felt like some menthols, so I asked him if he had any.
This guy didn't know bunk about cigarettes, so I had to point them out to him. He pulled them out and showed me what appeared to be an extra tiny pack of cigarettes. This confused the living shit out of me. What are these tiny cigarettes and why have I never seen them before?
So, I told him they weren't the right ones and he pulled out another pack. They were also tiny. So he pulled out another: ALSO TINY.
At this point he was getting frustrated, and I was starting to panic. I guess it was a combination of nicotine withdrawal, oxygen debt, and the warped perception of spacial reasoning caused by how tiny those cigarettes looked.
I started apologizing. I knocked over a bunch of thermuses at the counter and apologized some more. I was making a fucking scene. I really didn't know what to do or say, so I decided to take a moment to just stand still and calm the fuck down. And then it finally hit me, all of these packs of cigarettes were NORMAL SIZED -- and something bizarre was going on mentally.
I apologized again, for like the billionth time, paid, and walked out. Won't be going there for a while.
idle-eyes: This is why you don't smoke, kids.
[deleted]: I think this is beyond that.
adhoc92: I have a pretty serious anxiety/disociative disorder, so that's probably part of it lol
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1411156669 | 1411161428 | t3_2gw2l6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking laxatives before a night of drinking.
KRaidium: Hi MrFickleFuckinPickle, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU by taking laxatives before a night of drinking.* has been removed because it violates RULE 10: "All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday." Please feel free to resubmit your story then.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
MrFickleFuckinPickle: Saturday is such a random day to allow that
KRaidium: Any day at all would be random.
| 4 | 1 | |
1411158282 | 1411163664 | t3_2gw5eh | t5_2to41 | 8 | Sithsaber: TIFU By getting involved in divorce proceedings
While calling to see when my father would pay me back, I fucked up by asking about his personal life and inadvertently telling him that he had been issued a court order telling him to pay a few years worth of my brother's child support back pay. Apparently he had been using his parents' address to get around paying taxes on the apartment he had been sharing with a friend, and apparently he wasn't aware of ongoing legal proceedings that would have forced him to pay for the child support he's been ducking for the past 6 years. Now he'll try to push a divorce so he can keep things in dispute until my brother turns 18.
Now both parents are blaming me for getting involved and forcing a confrontation. I still haven't gotten my money back and I'll also never see any of the back pay that is currently being argued about. Fuck me.
onascaleoffunto10: They screwed up, not you. I wish your father would pay his share of supporting his child. Sad.
Sithsaber: Seeing as I've been fucked out of many years of government assistance and the pell grant (technically speaking they never divorced and the colleges caught on to the inaccuracies in their tax reports) because one side only gives a few bucks under the table and the other side never forced the issue because she would lose the house, it's safe to say that I fucked up the messed up game those two were playing. Trust me, when two people cling to technicalities and start making you maintain something you know should have fallen apart years ago, it makes sense that the person who disrupted things will be in hot water.
And seeing how they blame me for their separation (and even worse story I won't go into) things can only get more combative.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411152490 | 1411436798 | t3_2gvv32 | t5_2to41 | 3 | suntsu96: TIFU by saying that I love my friends big "Tits" infront of a nun.
So I went to a catholic school when I was younger and all of my teachers were nuns. My favorite teacher out of all of them now works at my high school as an aide for mentally handicapped kids. She gave up her nun ship so that she could get married but she is still very much religious. Anyways she was behind me while I was walking down the hall way but I had no clue that she was there. I saw my good friend Alex. He is a bit on the heavier side but can take a joke so as he is a approaching I exclaim "Mmmmm look at those big o'l titties" all of a sudden I hear my old teacher behind me say "Maxwell!" I turn around and profusely apologize. She says " Dont apologize to me apologize to your friend, and pray to god for his forgiveness because he sure heard that"
TL;DR said look at those titties infront of my teacher/nun
LURCHDIUTV: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR LAUGHING SO HARD HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
suntsu96: Im glad you got a good laugh outa this XD
| 3 | 1 | |
1411158560 | 1411192411 | t3_2gw5wr | t5_2to41 | 4 | Fmlgg: TIFU being caught going on fb 4 times already when I'm supposed to be doing work (parents are super asian)
First time using this section. Be gentle pls.
So this month i have been already caught on fb 3 times and SUPER ASIAN parents absolutely hate it, so they got really pissed and gave me one last chance. Well today i blew it (20 mins ago.) Since they are usually in the family room that is down the end of the hall, i can hear the door open and immediately close the window im on. there is also curtains on the door way of my room so that when they walk down the hall, the curtains would block their view. But, there is a gap betweeen the curtains so i would have to manually close the gap between it and this is where i fuck up today. i finish lunch and my dad is in the kitchen washing dishes. i say im gonna finish up my hw so we can go out for a walk in 10 mins and go back to my room. i go on fb, msg some people and hear the door open from family room. i think to myself, hey why dont i finish up this msg because the curtains are blocking his view so i finish up and close it right before he comes in. "what are you doing son." uh oh. that doesn't right. i look behind me and he has a stern face. FUCK. i realized i forgot to close the gap in the curtains this one time. i knew that he knew so i just gave way. "checking on fb?" i said. Thats when he goes all ape shit over me reaching well over 10 000 decibels and orders me to stare at the fb homescreen until 12am. (its 4:00) then he proceeds to walk down the stairs and slam the door out for "our" walk. My mom is still at work and im fucked when she comes back. I feel so screwed and worried what should i do? fuck.fuck.fuck. Should i update on what happens tonight?
TL;DR: forgot to close curtains to not let my dad see in my room on fb while doing "homework" then goes crazy mad so loud that prob the city would hear.
[deleted]: Lmao @ "parents are super asian". what are the difference between non-super asians and super asians? ELI5 lls
mrmellowfellow: Asians are strict about their kids being straight A+ students.
[deleted]: Lol, I know it's a stereotype just found it funny about it being "Super Asian" lol.
| 4 | 1 | |
1411159764 | 1411248269 | t3_2gw81b | t5_2to41 | 50 | TooLoudSnap: TIFU by using snapchat in a room with family.
This happened a few days ago, and I've just gotten over the sheer embarrasment of what happened. A bit of backstory though first.
Just proof-read this and realised its stupidly long, but eh well.
So a couple days ago there was a family gathering, of course being the teen boy I am I didn't want to go, but the parents said I had to go, so they dragged me out of my pit and off we went.
It was at my uncles house, and we were all cramped into his living room, sat on the sofas, some on the floor, and even some on the stairs. There was a lot of people there, to put it short, all of whom thought I was a great young man who had good grades and was an angel. Like most families do.
I'm sitting next to my uncle, who's a pretty cool guy, likes the same stuff as me, we get along basically. I'm on my phone, on facebook, and as per my timeline is full of stupid/cool/awful videos that I'm watching, showing my uncle, watching, and surprisingly having a good time outside my lair of doritos and video games. Then I find one and begin to watch, and because of all of the natter in the room, it's hard to hear, so I turn up my phone full blast so me and my uncle can share a laugh.
Ok, so, to the point. The gathering is going good, nobody has fought (surprising for our family) and everyone's enjoying themselves. Me being the unsociable bastard I am, I sit on my phone talking to a friend on snapchat. I follow a page that posts nudes of girls every so often, and, by chance, they've put on a new collection. Now, I'm used to these 10 second moments of gloriousness being usually only pictures. I start to look through them, and obviously begin to enjoy myself just a little more. My Uncles paying no attention as he's talking to someone else, the place is loud. Then, out of fucking nowhere, one of my cousins who's a bit of a dick because he has a posh job in an IT firm somewhere and can afford holidays every fucking week pipes up with the "HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT MY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE I FOUND IN GOBBLERS KNOB" or some place like that. The family think this guy is some kind of hero because he offered a bottle of water to a homeless person in a rich part of South Africa or something, so everyone pipes down to hear the amazing story.
I, disliking the prick, pay no attention to him and continue to look at some tits and ass, which I think is 10000x better than his stupid story.
Out of nowhere, a video pops up. Its the full ten seconds long of a dick going in and out of an ass. Straight up. No way around it, it is un-mistakable anal. And, being the unlucky bastard I am, forgot to switch my phone to silent. The moans that can only be described as Satan being told he has more housework to do when he wants to go to the cool kids party are coming directly out of my phone. The already quiet room drops to lower than silent, and everyone's looking at me. My Uncle turns to me, looks at the porn, leans in and says "Unlucky mate" and I just legged it out of the room.
Caught a bus home and having spoke to anyone since.
**TL;DR : Was using my phone that I forgot to put onto silent to look at snapchat pussy in a room full of family, when a video pops up, and screams eject from my phone of a girl getting plowed. I haven't talked to any of my family since.**
ElBomba: So uhhhh what are the snapchat usernames of free porn....
For scientific reasons...
_____DEADPOOL___: Yeah, I also would like the names for uhh research..
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1411160293 | 1411160831 | t3_2gw8zv | t5_2to41 | 9 | tryitonemoretime: TIFU at work
TIFU: In the kitchen of the restaurant where I work (today was my 7th day), the county mandates that we have to wear gloves when handling food, no exceptions. So, when trying to fill cups of tartar and sour cream, I have some issues flipping and separating the cups. I thought I had a great idea: since the cups, much less the outside of the cups, are not food, let's not wear a glove; thought that cutting the tips off would be more fun. I neglected to remove my hand from the glove, and snipped the tips off my left index and middle fingers before I transformed my left ring fingerprint forever. That knife, as with all of our knives, are PARTICULARLY dull, so I had breezed that one through the (shitty) carbide pull sharpener a few times when I got in.
When going to get a napkin to staunch the flow and then ask for a bandage, I slipped on the freshly mopped area just outside the doors.
Not 20 minutes later, when returning the bucket of sour cream to the walk-in cooler, I again biffed on the freshly mopped floor of the cooler.
TL;DR: Attempted to make finger-less gloves with my hand in the glove, and fell twice on wet floors, which I had not done in the last 2 years.
essiejoy13: Fellow clutz here! Food service may not be the best profession for you.
tryitonemoretime: This was the first time in 2 years that anything like this happened. I'm putting it down to it being the 7th day on the job.
| 3 | 3 | |
1411159991 | 1411165896 | t3_2gw8g6 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU Locked out of my car in a Big Lots parking lot.
TIFU. I suppose I should preface this story by the full context:
1. I recently got divorced and moved to a large city where I essentially know no one.
2. I am the most absent minded person and I constantly misplace everything.
3. I have large boobs.
So today, I went shopping. When I got back to my car, I PANICKED MAJORLY because the ONE THING my father had told me NOT to do happened - I locked myself out of my car. Shit! My spare wasn't in my purse. I think because I had sat in my car for awhile taking a phone call that I put my keys into the larger bag I left IN my car. Chicks have too many bags! TOO MANY BAGS!!
So I'm sitting outside my car, with a bag of groceries and an enormous broom. There is no one to help me. So I call a few locksmiths, I finally get transferred to one but because I'm too far outside their area - the service charge is $75. Shit.
So while she puts me on hold to find someone available to get me back into my car, I lean over to set this broom I'm awkwardly carrying under my arm pit under my car... thinking I'm going to be standing here for 45 minutes trying to avoid getting sold meth and I'd rather not scream "I can't get into my car cause I'm a huge moron"..... and my keys fall out of my bra onto the pavement....
So I guess when I got out of my car, instead of putting my keys in my purse, I put them in my bra like I do when I'm out for a jog so they don't accidentally fall out of a pocket. But when I patted myself looking for my keys, I didn't feel them, because I am a DD. Big boobs FTL.
Anyways... only a partial TIFU because at least I didn't realize my keys were nestled in between the girls after the locksmith let me into my car for a fee of $75. I hung up on the locksmith dispatcher immediately and happily drove home.
And yes for those of you who aren't good with wordiness: OMG BLONDE BIG BOOBS FOUND MY KEYS LOLZZZ.
monkeypunchluff: TDLR: I forgot I put my keys between my gigantic boobs. Seriously, they're gigantic. Did I mention how large my breasts they are? They are H-U-G-E.
Teotwawki69: "Now what did I do with the broom?"
biogirl52: Sometimes a woman's bra is like Mary Poppins carpet bag.
iliketowearhoodies: I must be off because your bra is not the first place I assumed they were talking about when they referenced the broom.
biogirl52: No vagina is like Mary Poppin's carpet bag either. Some are close though.
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1411160207 | 1411289253 | t3_2gw8tn | t5_2to41 | 29 | mistahwhiskahs: TIFU by being an opiate addict.
This is going to be quite long, and honestly I don't know why I'm sharing it here. I suppose its a desperate, pathetic last attempt to get all of this off my chest.
I've struggled for the past two years with intense opiate addiction. I've always had substance abuse issues (I'm a 25 yr old female) since I was 18, but I found that when the time came, I was able to make my mind up to stop and stop for good. When oxycontin came into my life though, the show was over. The rush I felt when I crushed up and snorted that little blue pill was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. It didn't take long for it to become a daily ritual, and then a necessity. All the while I was hiding this fact from everyone around me, specifically my boyfriend.
In that first year, I was doing 2-3 30mg pills a day, and my emotions quickly became unstable and hard to control. I had an incredibly short temper, would get emotional over the smallest thing and cried constantly. During one of my breakdowns, my boyfriend locked me out of the house. When I tried to get back in and refused to leave, he called the police. I was handcuffed, however, he didn't press charges. From this point on though, this was his new tactic of essentially making me do whatever he wanted. If I was crying or upset, or if I wanted to talk to him about an issue I had involving the way he was treating me, he would simply threaten to call the police on me if I didn't "shut up". My name was not on the lease, so therefore I had absolutely no power over the situation if he wanted to have me removed from his property. He exploited this constantly.
He hated talking about anything involving my feelings or emotions. Much of my drug use was rooted in the fact that I was so unhappy with our relationship, I used it to cope with the feelings of loneliness that stemmed from his essential lack of interest in me. I realize this is no excuse, because my low-esteem and codependency issues have always led me to seek out validation from the men I'm with rather than finding that in myself. Regardless, I knew I was a convenience to him. When his friends were busy or there was nothing better to do, he would spend time with me. On the flip side, he was my world. I have thrown away so many opportunities, cancelled plans, let friendships fall apart because I would drop anything and everything if it meant spending time together. I was pathetic. On a weekly basis, I was told by him that I was worthless, garbage, a piece of shit, and that he didn't respect me. Instead of holding my head high and walking away, I groveled at his feet begging him to tell me what I needed to do to make him respect me. That I would do anything to make him happy with me.
I eventually broke down and told him of my drug problem. I was shipped off to rehab that day, got sober, and truly believed from that point on I would never touch drugs again as long as he would give me another chance. I got out, and nothing changed between us. However, my emotions were in check, and I rarely had any kind of angry outburst. As far as the dynamic between us, the way he spoke to me and treated me…the drugs were gone, but that was it. I found out he had made plans to buy a new house and kept it a total secret from me, which is another situation completely. (http://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/1zeizc/tough_decision_choosing_between_cats_of_7_years/) Safe to say, it wasn't long before I relapsed.
This time, it was even worse than before. Things quickly escalated to me using 7-8 30 mg pills a day, and I had to begin stealing to support my habit. I had reached an all time low. Over the course of two months, I stole over $1,000 from my boyfriend and stole from my job (I had been there for 4 years, I loved it) and was caught and fired. I was humiliated and ashamed, I felt like a complete junkie loser that just couldn't stop. It became my life. I went back to rehab to detox, but knew that I wasn't going to be able to remain sober. All I wanted was for my boyfriend to "love" me, at this point I had moved in with another girl but was still holding out hope that he and I would work things out.
He would tell me he wanted me out of his life for good, that he wanted nothing to do with me, tell all of his friends what a horrible person I was…and then a few days later, ask me to come out of town with him for the weekend. I was a mess. I didn't understand why he continued to string me along, only to belittle me and tell me that if I only did x or y that I could have had it all, and my using just got worse and worse in an attempt to numb how hurt and fucked up I felt. I begged him to just let me move on because the back and forth was destroying me inside.
All I do is sleep and cry now. And of course, pump as many drugs in my body as I am able on a daily basis. I've burned all my bridges and the person I love desperately could take me or leave me.
iliketowearhoodies: Do you have any kind of support network for you? Family at all, and friends left that you didn't allow to leave your life?
I would suggest checking yourself into rehab, and then not going outside of your place except to get food if you can. Maybe your roommate can help you with getting food so you can stay inside rather than going out to get drugs.
I know what opiate addiction is like, I've been addicted as well as my friends and some family too.
The best thing I can say is this. You are worth it. And that guy is a fucking asshole.
Based on your story, besides the stealing and shit, you sound like a pretty decent person. And at 25 years old, you have a lot of life left to live and have time to mend broken relationships if the other parties are willing.
I will say this, you're not going to like how you feel while getting sober. You probably already know that.
But I think you owe it to yourself to stop and finally be happy.
I've had friends OD on oxy and heroin and it's the saddest fucking thing in the world. I'm sure the people that care about you do not want to lose you. And the people that are around you that don't care, can fuck off.
It sounds like your boyfriend is at a breaking point, or was awhile ago. Maybe he's using you? Maybe he's not? But the fact that he calls you a piece of shit, or garbage, DROP THAT MOTHER FUCKER!
And seriously, if you need someone to talk to, PM ME! I know I'm just some stranger from Reddit but whatever. I'd be more than happy to talk with you about anything you want, if you want to. If not, that's cool too.
I just wanted to put the offer out there.
I really do wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can kick the habit. It is 100% possible and you can do it. You might just have to cut certain people out of your life at the same time.
Edit: Okay I just read your other post and saw your comment where you are/were 24 (25 now?) and he is 37. Please, stop talking to that dude. After reading your other story that you linked here, the guy sounds like a piece of shit himself. Like I said before, drop that mofo. Work on yourself. Take time and reflect on your life and how you feel, and change the things you don't like. You do have the power to do it. You just have to want to bad enough.
Propyl_People_Ether: This. So much this.
Someone who will lock you out of your own house during an emotional crisis, no matter the cause, is not someone you want in your life.
To the OP: Really, definitely, cut him off 100%, don't let him play his shitty little games any more. I somehow have the feeling that your need for drugs will walk out the door after him.
narcissisticcoward: Yeah. The part where OP was high as a kite, wielding a 9 inch kitchen knife, attempting to force her way into the door then turning the knife onto her abdomen while threatening to eviscerate herself certainly qualifies as an "emotional crisis". Four uniformed officers, weapons drawn, had a slightly different assessment of the situation, but hey, reddit.
Propyl_People_Ether: If you're OP's (ex) boyfriend, have some fucking self-respect and make a clean break. It's very clear neither of you is benefiting from having the other in your life.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1411161289 | 1411162581 | t3_2gwasg | t5_2to41 | 24 | Ahmad_adio: TIFU by wanting to masturbate while no one was home.
Its Friday evening, I'm stressed and tired, and no one was home for a one hour interval. I decide to watch Lie to Me for about forty minutes and then I come upstairs for masturbate. I lock my door, (in-case someone comes home without my knowing),and surf the web. While its taking me unusually long to climax, I hear someone come into the house and dart straight upstairs. I quickly put on a pair of pants, flush my toilet (my room has a bathroom) , and open the door. My mother is standing directly in front of the door, and she jokingly asks if I locked my door because I was scared. I could have left it there, but I didn't want to come off as a pussy. I told her I did it because I had to run and get the soap from downstairs to wash my hands, so I locked the door (I know it doesn't make sense right?). Regardless, she catches my lie because she knew the soap was missing from the morning. Then, I start coming off shady as fuck and she asks me if I was doing drugs. Drugs!?! She pretty much decides to search my room as I close my computer nonchalantly. Then, she gets suspicious at me for doing drugs (no circumstantial evidence), and tells me I'm getting drug tested. All of this shit because I decided to fap off.
TLDR: Was trying to masturbate secretly, mother thinks I'm doing drugs now. Think before you masturbate.
RickMuffy: Are you going to pass your test?
If so, then this will blow over and your mom will be the one feeling bad.
Ahmad_adio: Yeah I will. I just hate being blamed and distrusted by suspicious parents.
KikItLikeKarate247: Good opportunity to start doing drugs
Darren_Carrigan: You have guilt trip rights for days
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1411161087 | 1411164971 | t3_2gwafe | t5_2to41 | 6 | magicthrow1: TIFU by accidentally taking drugs to an airport and having my bag searched
18 year old me, intrigued by the wide selection of "legal highs" available at the time (this was a few years ago now) had done a bit of online shopping to sample a few of the new powders on the market. Well packaged, they came delivered in resealable bags, in a larger black heat-sealed plastic bag, then in an envelope. My friends and I tried them at a party, after which I put what was left back in the black bag, and put this in one of the 4 or 5 small pockets on the front of my school backpack. I then promptly forgot they existed.
Weeks passed, school finished and my friends and I were to go on holiday. I packed my suitcase, and my backpack as hand luggage and we left to go to the airport. At the airport we checked in as usual and proceeded to security, oblivious of what was about to happen. I placed my bag in to a tray, along with my phone, wallet and keys and pushed it along the rollers. The airport security worker then rolled the tray in to the x-ray machine. My belongings emerged from the machine where another worker pulled my tray to one side. "Is it OK if I have a look?", I confidently replied "Of course."
The worker starts by going through the main part of the bag, removing a few clothes, some speakers, some food etc, then puts them back in. All good. He then starts to rummage in the smaller pockets, removing all kinds of crap. Sweet packets, broken pencils, money, receipts and then...then he pulls out a fork. I left it in there after having lunch at school. It must have been what they saw on the x-ray; we laughed it off.
But the security worker kept rummaging and removing other odds and sods from the pockets. Then he removed the small black plastic heat-sealed bag and placed it on the desk with the rest of the stuff. The bag containing the drugs. My heart sank. You know, that instantly terrible feeling where your organs travel to your anus, and your blood to your head. Fuck. Shitting shit fuck. How could I have been so stupid?
The guy continues for about 30 seconds more. 30 seconds which seem like 30 hours. But he looked like he was getting to the end and was in the only remaining pocket. So I push the mound of crap, including the black bag to one side, away from my backpack and say something like "Ah look at all that mess, you couldn't throw it all in the bin for me could you?". The guy pulled over a big bin and swept what was on the desk straight into it. Thank fuck. This relieved me a little, but still spent the next 4 hours on the flight shitting myself about what might be at the other end.
One of the worst, most stupid, and lucky moments of my life.
CocoLeFleur: I thought you said it was a legal high?
magicthrow1: Yeah but it was just a white powder in a drug bag. Not what you want to get caught with at an airport.
CocoLeFleur: Granted it would be a big inconvenience, but legally you'd be fine.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411161407 | 1411164792 | t3_2gwb00 | t5_2to41 | 5 | alonitzhaky: TIFU when I saw my dad masturbating.
TParis00ap: You should get over it. It's just porn. Mindfuck - your mom probably watches porn too. Hell, they might even watch it together.
LordOfCinderGwyn: [relevant](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10dGpZcihMQ)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411163781 | 1411223977 | t3_2gwexg | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By feeding birds
It started 4 days ago when I saw two cockatoo's sitting on my balcony. I went to the laundry, grabbed a bag of bird pet food seeds and poured the seeds on the floor.
These two cockatoos grew to 10 the next day and 15 the following day. I was very excited about them because, I was having harmless fun by looking at them eat and play. I put out more seeds for them
Today I woke up to them screaming and banging and being outright pests. Outside the window there were at least 35 cockatoos each one the size of a chicken.
These birds have a very distinctive call and are extremely loud.
I quickly brought a broom and cleaned up all the seeds from the floor and it was breath taking how loud they are. I didn't know that that much birds are going to come. I woke up the neighbourhood and now i feel really bad.
aussieguy_01: hahahaha......
Now you just have to clean up the poop and feathers!...You should see what those suckers do to our council strip lawn - absolutely shred it!....
[deleted]: I did clean up....thats not the problem, but I'm wandering if they will return tomorrow and cause the same chaos.
Man i done fucked up now.
All i can think about is my poor neighbours and their suffering because of my dumbass decision to feed the birds.
aussieguy_01: haha...barbecued galah - invite the neighbours around for a feed!...lol..
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411163708 | 1411195155 | t3_2gwet3 | t5_2to41 | 15 | thebeardwiththeguy: TIFU by spitting
Yes, this happened today, a few hours ago. I'm very new to Reddit, but I thought you guys might enjoy my stupid story.
First, a build-up to my fuck up. I've been chewing tobacco since I was 16 (I'm 23 now). Every job I've ever had has involved working outside with the ability to spit the cancer juices from my mouth freely. On the way to my new job this morning (this is my second week here), I made my weekly trip to my usual convenience store. The clerk knows me and has my usual cans of tobacco on the counter once he notices me, but hey, I'm feeling a little adventurous this morning, and I tell him I'll take a pouch of Redman instead, as I haven't had any in a couple years. Once I get to work, I see that it's going to be a very busy Friday, with the service drive packed with cars (I'm a lube tech for a dealership). The morning goes along smoothly, pumping out cars with no issues. With a minute or so before the next car comes in, I decide to throw a fat wad of Redman in my cheek before I go give the inspection sheet to the service advisor. For those of you who don't chew, Redman makes you salivate like a homeless guy walking in to a Red Robin. As I'm taking the sheet up front, I decide to take the shortcut through our waiting area. As I'm walking through, I go on autopilot and my mind goes elsewhere. Without thinking, I turn my head to the side and spit out a mouthful of dark brown liquid onto the white tile floor. Immediately after doing so, I hear "EXCUSE ME!" from behind me. I look back and see a mother with her young daughter (probably about 5) with a mortified look on her face. I looked down and to my horror, there was my nasty brown puddle of cancer at her feet, and some had gotten on her shoe. All I could do was panic and exclaim "Oh fuck! I'm so sorry!" The entire waiting area has gone silent watching it all happen, and my service manager stepped out of his office and just stared in disbelief. I pulled the rag out of my back pocket (luckily it was clean) and dropped to the floor to clean off the floor and her shoe. No one says a thing as this is happening and I'm burning red from embarrassment. I quickly got up, ran to the service advisor's desk, threw the paper down, and hauled ass back to the shop.
So far, the service manager hasn't said anything, but I'm still waiting for him to come out to fire me for the incident. Shit.
TL;DR - felt adventurous this morning, spit on a customer and dropped an F-bomb in front of her toddler
BDCanuck: You should be fine. Make sure you're doing your job properly, and no more chewing anywhere near customers! Not just the spitting, but even the chewing just seems unprofessional.
thebeardwiththeguy: Yeah, you're right. It's definitely a gross habit, but it's just kind of second nature at this point. The only reason I do it at work is because I'm very rarely around customers. Unfortunately today, I decided to walk through the customer waiting area. Won't be doing that again!
BDCanuck: If it helps inspire you to quit any, chew (probably) killed one of the coolest dudes in baseball. :(
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Gwynn#Health_and_death
thebeardwiththeguy: Thanks for that! I remember hearing he passed away, but never any details, as I don't really follow baseball. I know it's a terrible habit, but at this point, whenever I don't have any for a few days, I get a really aggressive headache until I throw some in. Withdrawals of some sort I'm guessing?
glottal__stop: Yeah, headaches are a withdrawal symptom.
I hope you don't get in too much trouble.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1411161534 | 1411181116 | t3_2gwb6z | t5_2to41 | 17 | korukyu: TIFU by washing my hair in my kitchen sink.
This morning started off normally. Got up, made breakfast, watched the news so I could have relevant small talk with boring co-workers, etc.
I'd showered after the gym last night, so I decided not to dry my skin out too much by showering again. But I have a hair style that requires a little bit of moisture to set, so I opted to wash my hair in my kitchen sink instead.
Combed my hair while calling my dad, who promptly told me that my old choir director had passed away suddenly. So sad!
Hopped on the bus, commuted to work normally, went to meetings, blah blah blah.
About 15 minutes ago, I was sitting at my desk when I scratched the side of my head. Something fell out. Something yellowish and gnarly and wrinkled. I hadn't combed my hair after running it under water it, because the call with my dad had distracted me.
**Holy shit, a carrot fell out of my 'fro.**
I've been walking around all day with this fucking piece of carrot that looks like an old person's toenail stuck in my hair, and none of the middle aged engineers I work with said anything to me.
[Goddamit.](http://i.imgur.com/WdirDZS.jpg)
TL;DR: Washed my hair in my kitchen sink, walked around all day with a carrot in my 'fro.
[deleted]: I wonder if all of your co-workers watch the news in the morning just so that they can have conversations with their dull co-workers. Try being yourself (sans hair-veg), it might make the whole office be less dull.
korukyu: Actually, my co-workers are awesome, I just have nothing common with them aside from work. Staying up to date with the news helps me feel less awkward around them.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1411165107 | 1411165741 | t3_2gwh4e | t5_2to41 | 11 | rebornasloth1: TIFU by getting cement in my eye.
Well, today I was outside fucking around and considering we are getting a building made they poured the cement for the foundation today. While outside there were little "pools" of cement laying around that was mis-poured and isn't used for the building. I came up with the great idea of throwing a rock in it and so I did, cement splashed up and hit me in the eye. Now I am sitting here on reddit with my eye burning and irritated and not sure what to do. I have been reading about all of these "permanent damage stories" and I'm pretty scared. so yeah, tifu.
UPDATE: Heading to the emergency room now.
UPDATE 2: Well this just spiraled into another league of fucked up, I was about to go to the Emergency room but my family insists that I will be fine and that it's not bad, I guess I will wait a while and see what happens. I would go but my family is all pissed off and one side is telling me I NEED to go where as the other is saying I will be fine.
DadGuy20: Maybe you should get off reddit and see a doctor?
rebornasloth1: I would but I don't know if it is bad enough to see a doctor yet. If it continues to hurt over the next hour I will, (It happened about 30 minutes ago)
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411142449 | 1411196451 | t3_2gvcom | t5_2to41 | 5 | INUNisNOTHING: TIFU by setting a trash can on fire. (Accidentally)
This actually didn't happen today, more like 13~ years ago. But I just feel the need to share it!
I was attempting to cook on the stove for about the third time in my little kid life span when suddenly the fire got too high! I being a stupid little kid decided "Hey, I can just clean this up with a napkin."
Cleaning fire with a napkin was literally the dumbest shit I had done in my younger days. (Well, one of the dumbest things I had done.)
After successfully attempting to clean my fire, the napkin burst into flames. And my thought was to just throw the fire away like we did with old chicken bones and such.
I throw the fire away and of course the trashcan, like the napkin, burst into flames. The fire alarm sounded, neighbors were knocking at the door and my parents came running in the kitchen yelling, trying to figure out what the hell was going on while trying to put out the 5~ foot fire.
Lucky we had a little fire extinguisher, otherwise we wouldn't have had an apartment for a while!
That day I learned that fire isn't trash and that putting the napkin in the sink would've been far a more successful way of disposing of the Flaming Napkin Of My Youth.
Kids, don't play with fire.
SilentGaia: Reminds me of a time where my teacher accidentally threw a hot coal in a trashcan and the trashcan started melting.
INUNisNOTHING: A series of unfortunate events!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411164298 | 1411173792 | t3_2gwfsl | t5_2to41 | 18 | Zorenstein: TIFU By trying to make a move on a girl I had just started hanging out with
So this actually happened today, few hours ago. Went to go smoke with this girl (who gave me her number yesterday) at her friend's apartment. We smoke and chat and have a good time. The girl who gave me her number goes into the other room to change. Im out in the living room with the apartment owner.
The Fuck Up
I'm and attractive guy and I'm feeling confident so I get up, walk into the room that the girl was changing in. I tried to kiss her. It turned into an awkward hug, then i explained what I was trying to do....which made it even worse. I managed to make a good exit....but awkwardness ensued. I felt like an idiot.
TL;DR; smoked with a girl, little boy hormones took over, got rejected
EDIT: she wasnt changing. she was brushing her hair.
Atrygger2: Should've pulled "the naked man"
UtahStateAgnostics: Works 2 out of 3 times, IIRC.
Atrygger2: I like to imagine that the 3rd time the guy sprains his dick on the taint ....
UtahStateAgnostics: I guess that's better than Barney (of all people) getting shut down.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1411166580 | 1411340236 | t3_2gwjgp | t5_2to41 | 8 | alonitzhaky: TIFU (again) by seeing my brother having an orgy.
Well, hey again :)
So today I keep getting fucked up :')
I saw my brother with his girlfriend having sex and some other kid (that I know, more like my bae) and they went to his+my room and he started giving him a blowjob. I forgot my charger at my room and I was going to a friends house and I saw him with his penis in his ass (my brother isn't gay) and I freaked out.
What should I do????
EDIT: My brother is 19 and my friend is 15.
EDIT 2: I told my mom about it, and she got really pissed and took his phone and all his connections to his friends. I feel kinda bad.
EDIT 3: My mom gave him everything back and he stopped doing it, and also he gave me money not to tell my homophobic dad.
Pick234: Your only fuck up is saying bae as far as I'm concerned.
AstroNaughtilus: You, sir, deserve a medal.
Pick234: I got a nice shiny gold one two days ago for saying arc the lad. :)
| 4 | 2 | |
1411165555 | 1411173179 | t3_2gwhwe | t5_2to41 | 0 | Suzi-Yachiru: TIFU by ending up with a soaking, lemony crotch on a train.
Okay, so this actually happened yesterday but hey ho. I was on my way to the enrolment day of an adult college course. I was very excited and had made an extra effort to look smart, I was feeling pretty good about things. I was going to get the train to the city the course is in, however I had left it a little bit late and had to run quite a bit of the way to the station. I got onto the platform and leapt through the doors of my train about five seconds before they started to close.
Feeling hot and flustered but triumphant, I sat down and opened a cold can of lemonade that I'd put in my bag. I put it on the fold down table and got my phone and headphones out, nothing like some music to pass a train journey! The train suddenly sped up and before I could figure out what was going on, the open can landed on my lap, between my legs with the open end facing my crotch. Icy cold fizzy liquid engulfed my thighs and lady bits instantly and I let out a kind of strangled squeak. I fumbled to put my phone down out of harms way and snatched the can back up. Fuck. I was soaked.
A young girl sitting across from me had heard the odd noise I had made and was giggling to herself. I inspected the damage. Yup, it looks exactly as if I had just badly pissed myself. I rushed to the on board toilet, not knowing whether to cover the front or back of my lemonade soiled crotch from the passengers in the aisle. I got some very weird looks, and once I reached the bathroom it only got worse. Sitting right next to it was a guy about the same age as me. I pressed the button for the toilet door to open, it didn't. The guys eyes are drawn to my crotch by the massive and obvious wet patch, he looks shocked and moves away. I jab at the button some more and the door opens.
Luckily this toilet was one of the bigger ones and had plenty of room for me to get undressed and start desperately blow drying my knickers and jeans. The constant hot air from the dryer and my recent run to the station meant that I was very hot, so decided to take my top off as well. So there I am, in nothing but a bra in a train bathroom, the ones with notoriously unreliable electronically locking doors, blow drying my soggy pants. I was terrified somebody would open the door and a queue of people would be outside, exposed to me and my sticky, lemony nakedness.
Thankfully this didn't happen. I actually managed to dry out my things during the 30 minute journey and was left with just a slightly stiff, sticky feeling on my jeans. But err, yeah, that is my tale of how I fucked up.
Tldr: Spilt lemonade all over my crotch, got naked on a train.
aussieguy_01: Awwww...your 'sticky lemony nakedness' ...:)..I don't think many guys would complain too much about the 'exposure..lol....sorry, sympathies for your sticky plight, but it did make for an entertaining read picturing you stuck in a toilet for 30 minutes just wearing a bra while blow drying your clothes..oh my..:)...You were lucky you had an uninterrupted 30 minutes!:). I'm sure you were happy to hop in the shower at the end of day!:). Good luck with your course - what are you studying?
PS:...'strangled squeak' - love it!..lol....sorry - but so easy to picture you sitting there with a crotch full of cold lemonade and wet pants!..oops..haha:..
Suzi-Yachiru: Aw thanks for the sympathy, glad my story made you laugh. I'm starting a Japanese language course =).
| 3 | 0 | |
1411162221 | 1411177288 | t3_2gwcee | t5_2to41 | 66 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to Google Maps
I should preface this by mentioning that I recently got a new job at a mine in central British Columbia. It's somewhat remote, so the company pays for shuttle buses to drive employees the hour-long drive from surrounding communities. After I got the job, I rented a bedroom in a town to the south, and have been relying on the bus to get to work. I also kept my apartment in a city three hours north, with the intention of returning there on my days off. Anyways, on to the story...
Last night, I was working my last night shift of the set, and decided that I would drive myself to work, and then leave for my apartment directly from the mine in the morning, rather than taking the bus an hour south and extending my trip. Since I'm not very familiar with the surrounding area, I was relying on Google Maps to get me home. When I plugged my apartment's address in, it came up with a route that was different than the one the bus took - which should have been my first warning sign - but it looked like it would save me a bit of time, and I was tired from working a 12 hour shift all night, so I wanted to get home as fast as possible.
First, it led me onto a dirt road - which should have been my second warning sign - but it had a stop sign with a road name, so I convinced myself that it had to be a real road, and dutifully followed Google's instructions. However, a couple of miles into it, it narrowed into only a single lane, and began taking strange twists and turns through the trees. I also started noticing cows, grazing along the side of the road - which should have been warning sign number three - but Google insisted that it was only a few more miles until this road came out at the highway, and I was tired, so I pushed onwards.
Another couple miles passed, when all of a sudden, I turned a corner, and the road - although it was really resembling more of a trail than a road at this point - came to an abrupt stop. Defeated, I turned my vehicle around, and headed back the way I had come. A couple miles back the way I had come, I turned a corner, and was greeted by a large herd of cows, right in the middle of the road. "I'm sure they'll move," I thought, so I slowly continued driving towards them. Eventually, I came to a stop less than a foot from one of the cows, and it showed no intention of moving, or even acknowledging me. There had to be something I could do to get it to move, right? I flashed my headlights. No reaction. Honked my horn. No reaction. Yelled obscenities at the top of my lungs. No reaction. I even tried gently nudging the cow with my bumper, but it still refused to move. I was stuck down a dead end road, with a herd of cows blocking my only exit. I was being held captive by cows. Defeated, I put my vehicle in park, and sat there, staring into my captor's cold, heartless eyes.
After what seemed like an eternity - but was probably only ten minutes - there was a rustling in the trees beside me, and a large moose stepped out onto the side of the road. This seemed to take the cows by surprise, and they quickly dispersed into the trees on the other side. I was free. I quickly threw my vehicle into gear, and took off down the road before the cows could congregate again. I managed to make it off the dirt road with no further incidents. I just finally made it home a full hour later than planned, and now that I've shared my story, I'm going to go have a well-deserved sleep. Oh, and I'm going to have a huge steak for dinner. Fuck cows.
TL;DR: Followed Google Maps down a dirt road, was kidnapped by cows, and eventually saved by a moose.
BDCanuck: What about a 1000 pound moose scares cows more than a 3000 pound care with horns and lights and a frustrated Canadian?
everyoneisinsane: The moose isn't too polite to shove them.
| 3 | 22 | |
1411162103 | 1411190772 | t3_2gwc78 | t5_2to41 | 10 | frumious_b: TIFU by trying to show my so how you're supposed to go off a bike ramp.
A while back I looked out into my backyard and saw my son and nephew trying to go over a makeshift bike ramp made out of a broken picnic table. They were being really timid, so they would chicken out just as they were getting close to the “ramp,” and they’d lose momentum half way up. I was afraid if they did an anemic jump they’d just tumble over the top of the ramp and hurt themselves.
What I should have done was told them to knock it off or they’d hurt themselves. Instead, being the cool dad/uncle I am, I told them I’d show them how it was supposed to be done. I loaded my 100Kg frame onto the little-kid bike and backed it across the lawn. I then pedaled as fast as I could toward the ramp, realizing just as I got to it that a big fat guy like myself driving over lawn on a little-kid bike wasn’t going to get nearly enough speed to make it over the ramp. Instead of aborting, I tried to pedal a little harder as I went up the ramp. I had just enough momentum for the front of the bike to make it over the top of the ramp, and in a last-ditch effort to avoid catastrophe I yanked back on the handlebars, trying to… levitate, maybe?
I didn’t manage to levitate, but I did manage to do a nice tripod landing with my face and elbows forming the corners of a triangle. I looked at the dents in the grass later and they formed a nice equilateral triangle, so that’s something.
Unfortunately, I also broke both of my elbows and was in bilateral elbow slings for a while. No casts, though, and they gave me some Lortab, so I was constipated enough that I didn’t have to wipe my butt for a week, so that was nice. My son claims it was the most incredible thing he’s ever witnessed first-hand and I’m still his hero.
Tl;dr: tried to show my son how stunts are supposed to be done, temporarily crippled myself, have probably inspired my son to pursue this professionally
BDCanuck: I will watch videos of your son trying to recreate your heroics. Please upload.
frumious_b: I think I'll forego making videos. If he hurts himself, I won't be able to claim plausible deniability if I've been recording his efforts.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1411164513 | 1411267425 | t3_2gwg4k | t5_2to41 | 9 | tinkergnome: TIFU by not keeping an eye on the neighborhood dog...
We have a neighborhood dog that we sometimes take care of and feed, because her actual owners don't take very good care of her. She now knows to show up at our place about once a day o get a bowl of food and a dog biscuit and some attention and love. She's really a very sweet dog.
Today I returned home from grocery shopping and she was waiting for me. She's a very friendly and happy dog and I was happy to see her, too. I popped the trunk and went to get two bags out of the back that had freezer goods in them, and just needed to walk to the front of my car and drop them into our little chest freezer that we have in our garage.
I'm only gone from the trunk area for maybe 1 minute - and I come back to find the dog laying on the ground with a steak in her mouth, chewing on it. I yelled at her that she was a BAD DOG! and she instantly dropped it and cowered. Again, this dog isn't treated very well by her actual owners and I've never raised my voice to her, ever. She cowers pretty easy as it is, even when being kind to her. I checked the groceries in the trunk and that was the only thing she had bothered, and she was very precise on opening the package and getting that steak out. Even angry, I had to still admire her sneakiness.
I took both packages of steaks into the house and cut off the part she was chewing on. Still a lot of steak left. I rinsed it under some water. And I felt bad for yelling at her...so still gave her the rest of the meat. She was still acting very sad and cowering, but she perked up a little bit at my kindness.
Pictures of the steak package & dog: http://imgur.com/a/cDgMc
momsgonnasnap: Aww, she's a love! Can you just keep her?
Btw today I was eating leftover risotto that I made (sausage & spinach) and I went to do an errand and I had left the tupperware open on the DR table. My dog didn't even disturb a chair; I don't know how she got it, but she ate the rest. Enough for three people for dinner.
She was abused before we adopted her and she fully cowers if I even say "What did you do?" no matter my tone, she knows those words. She's afraid of the hose, water guns, spray bottles, tennis rackets, frying pans, etc.
So, your neighborhood owners clearly don't deserve their dog.
tinkergnome: We'd keep her, but we don't have a fence, and I don't believe in putting a dog on just a long chain. And clearly the neighbors (they're probably a half mile down the road) don't have a fence either. And she loves to wander (we're out in the country).
She's only about 2 years old now. She started showing up when she had reached her full size but was still a puppy. Apparently the owners got her for their kids but once she was no longer puppy-sized, the kids lost interest. Queue her showing up at our house one day when I'd gotten home from work. She was sooo skinny and had so many ticks and fleas on her. I had some leftover chinese food from lunch that day which I promptly gave her. My SO went and got some cans of cat food our cats wouldn't eat and we gave her those, too. After some more visits, I finally broke down and bought some dogfood and dog biscuits, and some flea & tick stuff to put on her back, and so this has been continuing for 2 years.
She shows up nearly every day now, but she looks a lot better, not so starved - enough that she often doesn't eat much of her dog food and usually just wants her dog biscuit. And some attention and love. I've invited her into the house a few times and she does well there, too. But she always goes back home when she's done, otherwise I'd be happy to let her stick around here, if she wanted to. She's very, very sweet and it usually makes my day when she still shows up. I have a few toys for her, mainly some balls and a tug rope and sometimes she wants to play with those...other times she's here for food and some affection, sometimes just affection...and her biscuit (or cookie, as we call it). It's like having a dog ourselves without having to worry about her 24/7
momsgonnasnap: Aww, love it!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411162750 | 1411176411 | t3_2gwd9a | t5_2to41 | 12 | realsound05: TIFU by not setting the parking brake on my car.
It had been a long and stressful day at work. I had just gotten home and was still tightly wound. I parked my car in the driveway (which is slightly sloped, but flattens out at the top. Per usual I left the car in a forward gear, but today I forgot to set my parking brake.
Well, not more than 5 minutes later, I hear somebody shouting, followed by banging on my front door. It was my neighbor from across the street, who exclaimed: "Dude, your car!" I looked over to see my car with its rear end up against the concrete retaining wall in front of his house. Apparently, I was not fully in gear because it seemed to pop out and roll down the driveway, across the street, over a (small) curb, and into a concrete wall.
I love my car and I try to take good care of it, so I was quite upset to find quite a bit of abrasion from the wall on the bumper, as well as decent sized cracks along the width of it. It will most likely have to be replaced. (Aesthetics of course, but I also don't know how good it is structurally now. Seems slightly compressed.)
While I am upset about this, and mad at myself for being careless, I'm thankful because there are generally cars parked on the street and/or neighborhood kids sitting on the wall; and today there was nothing there. Also, the wall is fine. (I watched it being built, can confirm solidity!) I'm not leaving the house tonight...
TL;DR: Forgot to set my parking brake, car rolled into a wall, I feel dumb.
BDCanuck: At least where I'm from, (Detroit), any mishaps that may happen from driving a stick (forgetting to set the parking brake, forgetting to take it off) are negligible compared to the local thieve's inability to steal a car with a manual transmission.
SilentOneBravo: I have a manual becasue it has better fuel econ(and I prefer it over autos), but I heard from friends that thieves have trouble with manuals, which is my mind is an extra secuirty feature for free. but yea OP, not that bad, I've forgot to do the brakes when I started driving, and atleast no one was hurt and it we cosmetic damage.
| 3 | 4 | |
1411167530 | 1411168928 | t3_2gwkyc | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By threatening a senior citizen.
I've been kinda broke lately and so a few weeks ago when I came across some article "10 Ways to make cash with your smartphone!" I figured what the hell and read it. So I get a few of the apps, two of them are a giant BUST but this one, Field Agent, looks like it might be easy. All you do is occasionally go to stores and take pics of barcodes and the location of products. Apparently some companies pay just to see the displays are what they expect or whatever. So I go and check it every now and then to see the different things but nothing that seems worth doing.
Last night I check and I see 87(most I've ever see)entries for Albertsons for various beers. Now, since I'm off today and I don't have much to do I figured why not, and so I head down there around 11 to try it out. So I get there, find the beer, and start looking for the brands they are after. Turns out to be a bunch of micro brews that apparently aren't available around here. But I decide to go through and look anyways. Now is where I should probably mention I was a little worried because, as the apps FAQ clearly states, some company have a strict "NO PICTURES" policy and various people have been questioned and detained for taking pictures in the stores. So, I'd been by myself for about 15 minutes, looking at the phone then back at the beer cooler when this older guy shows up with his cart. We made sort of weird eye contact when I look over. Anyways, he goes into the cooler, grabs a 24 pack of miller lite cans, sets it in his cart and passes me in the aisle saying "I'm going, I'm going..."
Now, I'm not sure if he felt I was annoyed by him or what, but in my attempt to smooth things over and be social I decided to compliment his piss water choice so he felt more welcomed or something. So, suave as I am, I point at the beer after he's already moved past me and can no longer even see my arm and say "Good choice!" He turns around, sees me pointing past him and says "The fuck you say you little shit? I'll do whatever the fuck I want." and I was very confused. Then I played the last five second back in my head and realized we took that veerrrrry different ways. He thought I was telling him to "Keep moving" or something.
Before I could say anything else he walked off to the registers and I heard "Security to register 9" at which point I decided it would be best to leave.
**TL;DR: Told an old guy who just wanted to get some beer to basically fuck off because I am a social neanderthal.**
TheSNStang: So did you get any money from that app?
Oriyagi: Nothing yet. They didn't have, or at least I didn't have enough time to find any of the beers. Guessing they are microbrews from elsewhere.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411168641 | 1411171745 | t3_2gwml9 | t5_2to41 | 15 | 0hnoesazombie: TIFU by singing at work
I work a factory job with a pretty religious boss. This job is more than a little tedious, and I find myself singing a lot of the time to break up the monotony. My latest earwig is [this little number](http://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY) from Garfunkel and Oates. For those of you unfamilair with it, the song basically extolls the virtues of "God's Loophole", which basically says a girl is still a virgin if they just do it in the butt.
Anywho, come the end of day, I'm cleaning up and singing to myself. As i come to the chorus, which by the way, starts with "Fuck me in the ass, cause I love Jesus... The Good Lord would want it that way..." I hear someone clearing my throat behind me. Lo and Behold, it's my super religious boss. I stand in panic and fear for a moment, until thankfully the end of the day bell rang, and I had a good excuse to nope the fuck out of there.
Fuck, Monday morning is going to be interesting.
BDCanuck: Either this didn't happen, or you are super obtuse. This is about the least catchy song I can imagine. It's not some song you get lost in. The syllables are slammed together intentionally, and the amount of vulgarity is hard to stumble through without being jarred by it.
0hnoesazombie: Well, I've never been accused of being acute.
Seriously, though. I enjoy the fact that it points out the glaring double standards of many religious fundamentalists. I'm sorry I lack your high-brow and refined sense of humor.
BDCanuck: It's not about refinement. I'm a giant atheist who can giggle at the occasional poop joke. It's about whether any reasonable person could just mumble along with "and since I'm not a godless whore, he'll have to come in the back door" or "to resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity, but wait, until, my marriage bed, to give my husband my unsullied maidenhead" without snapping back to reality.
0hnoesazombie: Never said I zoned out. Complicated lyrics give my brain something to focus on. Anyways, why so negative? I thought you Canucks were supposed to be polite, happy people.
BDCanuck: I'm polite, happy, and skeptical. :)
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1411168422 | 1411203810 | t3_2gwm9i | t5_2to41 | 7 | tatertotcasserole01: TIFU by suspecting my girlfriend of cheating and being wrong.
So, I have been dating this girl for roughly 9 months and today, she told me that she was going to see her mom for money... I was already a bit skeptical knowing that one, her mom is flat broke and doesn't have a job... So naturally, me not thinking straight, decided to follow her. (I know, it sounds creepy, but wouldn't you want to know the truth with that shady of a story??) So anyways, I followed her at a decent pace and as far as I know, she didn't suspect a thing. But then, things got much, MUCH worse. I got to about 20 minutes of driving and all of the sudden, she stopped at a hotel, I was on the tips of my toes with fright. I was thinking to myself, "what the hell will I do if I see this guy!? Should I confront them? Do I just let them go and wait until I get home to confront her??" None of these happened, however. I pulled into the lot next to the motel and waited, 11 minutes passed (guessing) and then the other car pulled up. I was ready to die right then and there, but then the worst thing happens: a woman steps out with a man and they begin to talk. I couldn't hear anything, as the dumb spy in me said not to even try it. They turn around after a bit and walk. DIRECTLY TOWARDS WHERE I AM AT! oh shit. I'm caught. She stops by my car and me being already red faced, turn to her and act surprised. She doesn't buy it... so here I am, red still, in that said parking lot, discussing what precisely I was doing here. I'm writing this in hopes that everything will turn out okay... But the future looks a bit bleak at this point.
So, TL;DR: I creepily followed my girlfriend to a hotel, met her mom, in some deep trouble.
tatertotcasserole01: I'd like to say I had the right to know, but it was pure paranoia and I deserve what comes next.
blackyezzuz: Don't do that again ...
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411169202 | 1411179125 | t3_2gwngh | t5_2to41 | 102 | pressfastf0rward: TIFU by tripping off a burrito.
**Obligatory demand for karma since this happened today.**
Before I got into today's events there are three factors I must disclose:
One. I eat extremely fast. Like *really* fast. Like in a food sprint I could probably beat Joey Chestnutt. Probably.
Two. I only began eating spicy food within the past six to eight months. I love to cook and around that time I discovered spicy rubs, then hot sauces, and the rest is history.
Three. I have a sizable amount of experience with hallucinogens from my high school and college years. I *knock on wood* have never had a bad experience with mushrooms, acid, or even designer drugs and would be open to an experience with any one of these drugs in the future.
Moving forward:
On the last day of vacation in San Francisco with my girlfriend and her family we decided to hit up the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood. I had been to the area a few years back and knew that we'd be accosted to buy weed on every block and that it was a tribute to the capitalist triumph over the hippy mecca from half a century ago. My girlfriend's parents, however, were turned off by the whole experience and within a half hour they were hopping on a bus to the Fisherman's Wharf area.
My gf, her cousin, and I decided to stick around and soak in the grungy ambience and stopped off to get a burrito at a little restaurant on Haight. As I mentioned, I've had a recent affinity for spicy sauces and decided to get a fish burrito *extra* spicy.
We sit down and receive our food shortly thereafter. We talk about our favorite moments from the past week while I inhale my Red Hot (their words, not mine) burrito, although it didn't taste as tongue-numbingly hot as I had anticipated.
I began to feel my gut tighten up and I chalked it up to my stomach stretching due to breaking my fast after only having a double espresso earlier that morning. As my girlfriend and her cousin continued conversation I noticed my vision became a little skewed, almost blurry. As I focused on that I started becoming painfully aware of my own thoughts.
*Why is everything suddenly hazy?*
*Why is my girlfriend's mouth moving before I'm hearing her words?*
*I am so far from my home back in Maine.*
I then felt normal again.
After a few minutes I was hit with another wave of blurry vision and paranoid thoughts. I stay quiet and let it pass. The feeling then comes back again.
It then dawns on me that the only other intense experience I can relate this to is tripping on mushrooms. The waves of feelings then begin coming more and more frequently and I silently search for a reason why. I haven't even smoked weed in the last week.
I then thought of all of the hippy kids I had turned down for weed.
*They must have pricked me with a needle with acid on it when I passed and pissed off one of them,* I thought. This was the only logical explanation.
Queue full on mental breakdown mode.
I run outside and begin breathing deeply and quickly. My girlfriend and cousin come out behind me and ask me what's wrong. I try to explain, but I finally just insist we have to get back to the hotel while I try to think of a way to play it cool when we meet up with the parents.
Ten minutes into our hour long walk back to the Financial District, after I talk myself out of going into the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic, I mention for no good reason that my extra spicy burrito wasn't even that spicy and I wish I hadn't eaten it so quickly.
*You got the extra spicy burrito?* my girlfriend asked with a metaphorical light bulb above her head.
She told me about how she tried a co-workers homemade hot sauce recently and had a similar experience that triggered a fight or flight response from her. If I hadn't already had a shocked look across my face, I definitely did now.
I felt like the biggest idiot in the world and I just spent an hour plus getting teased by my walking partners.
**tl;dr** Thought hippies were performing psychological warfare, but really I just need to stop eating like an animal.
BDCanuck: I have never heard of this kind of reaction. Why didn't you taste the heat, if hot food and hallucinations are somehow correlated? You'd think people would talk about tripping at Thai or Mexican restaurants all the time. I'm inclined to think something else happened.
Paddyington: Yea I've never heard of that kind of reaction from eating spicy food too fast either. I eat incredibly spicy food all the time, and I have panic disorder. It kinda sounds like you had a panic attack.
pressfastf0rward: I have never had one before, so possibly?
Paddyington: The common diagnostic for a panic attack is the feeling of "impending doom". I myself have plenty of experience with hallucinogenics and the feeling of a panic attack is very similar to the "fear" you experience when shrooms are just starting to kick in. I didn't have my fist panic until I was 22. I didn't know what the fuck was going. I was just scared and thought I was dying. It happened a couple more times and finally got diagnosed with panic disorder. It might be an isolated incident in your case, but if you experience that feeling again in the future, you should go see a psych or something.
pressfastf0rward: I was diagnosed with anxiety along with other psych disorders when I was 16, but never believed that diagnosis. I smoke weed everyday typically which helps keep me even kilter but haven't been able to this week. Do you think this could've contributed?
Paddyington: Perhaps. I used to smoke just about every day around the time I first started having panic attacks. Now (6 years later), I find it hard to get high on THC without having uncomfortable anxiety. I only use THC now when I come home after a night of drinking before I go to bed. That seems to be the only situation these days where I can comfortably get high. But, everybodys different mate, and the brain is a strange and vastly mysterious organ. I'm no doctor, and I'm speaking purely from my own personal experience. Only advice I can give you is that if you continue to experience the episodes, just get some professional help. Living with untreated panic disorder is absolute hell when it's at its worst.
pressfastf0rward: You may not be a doctor, but your first hand experience makes you an expert in my book. I'll remember your advice as I move forward.
| 8 | 12.75 | |
1411171160 | 1411174250 | t3_2gwqb3 | t5_2to41 | 24 | banger14: TIFU by smoking in the school parking lot before football game.
So me and my buddy were sitting in my car I just lit a cigarette and was smoking it. We passed it like twice and a couple little girls ran up to my car. They said "Got them!". And then their Dad yelled to them good job. I passed it off as they were just racing.
So, we just kept smoking and thinking nothing. Then I got pretty scared feeling thinking the dude and his kids were really talking about us. So I hurry up to get out of the car, got my phone got out. I turned and started walking for the stadium entrance, and a police officer was on top of me. He gave me a big shit pounding (lecture and threats) being tham I am under age. He called my Dad and kicked me out of the game. He got my name and number and told me he would be in touch. So now I am really worried ill be getting a Minor in Possesion.
Tl;DR got caught smoking in my car thanks to some little girls, a cop came and I think im gonna get an MIP.
_Fresh: Wait. How did all of this happen if it was just a cig?
banger14: I am under age and he was told I was "smoking dope". He threatened to search my car, and it would have been bad if he did. He sniffed the inside.
_Fresh: I hope that you remember that parent that screwed you guys over....dude deserves a flaming bag of poo on his doorstep, at the very least.
banger14: Dude if I only knew hahah. Nah though, no retaliation from me, I just found out cop lives in my neighborhood so I will be watched.
_Fresh: You think youre gonna get posession? Posession of what? Seems like youre leaving out a monsta detail in this story.
banger14: No no no, a minor in possession for cigarettes. I might of had some weed in my car from a while back that i forgot about and i thought he was gonna search my car because he said that someone said we were smoking weed. But i really only smoked a cigarette.
_Fresh: Shit I didn't even know you could get in trouble for being a minor in posession of a cigarette? wow.
Random_Citizenn: All depends on where you live
| 9 | 2.666667 | |
1411171010 | 1411171939 | t3_2gwq2r | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on a first date on an island
Was invited on a first date in NYC, and someone was like "let's take the ferry out to Governor's Island and bike and shit." I'm thinking that I invite her for coffee, but how lame is that? An island!? Let's fukkin do this!
As soon as I get off the ferry, I realize that she's 13 years older than me and looking for a husband. She's asking how many children I want, what kind of school we're going to send them to, etc. I don't think I'll be seeing her again.
bullshque: How long were you trapped on the island with her? Was your escape restricted by ferry times?
[deleted]: About 4-5 hours. My escape was restricted by trying to be a good date, mostly, but yes, it was a looonnnnnnng wait for a boat back.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411162080 | 1411187990 | t3_2gwc5s | t5_2to41 | 12 | wavingthe44: TIFU by being too rough *down there* in the dark
(I know there's been a few complaints about the amount of sexually orientated posts recently, but this is something I seem to excel in.)
After reading [this post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2gt4bs/tifu_in_a_lot_of_ways_it_wasnt_lipstick/), it reminded me of an incident that happened about 2 years ago so it wasn't exactly today that I fucked up.. but it was a fuck up nonetheless.. and a pretty gross one too.
Anyway, I'd been seeing this girl for a few months and we were fooling around in bed, she started to go down on me and I pulled her back up and told her to turn around so we could both return the favour at the same time.
After about 5 minutes of just using my tongue, I started to use my fingers (Side note: I've made a lot of girls squirt in the past and regardless of your personal opinions on female ejaculation, it's a vice for me and *really* gets me turned on) and a few minutes, she starts getting wetter and wetter, so I keep going, getting more and more vigorous. At this point, I'm only using my fingers and they're starting to hurt from the strange angle I've managed to contort my wrist in to so I go back to work with my tongue. Now, everybody at some point in their life has tasted blood, the faint taste of iron hit me like a tonne of bricks.
I spent the next minute trying to workout if I had blood on my hand in the dim light from street lamp opposite my window, where my bed was positioned next to. I could just about see that my hand was a darker colour than usual..with a smell of blood. I told the girl that I think I'd made her bleed, she stopped what she was doing and I got up and went to the bathroom. I went turned the light on and was immediately taken aback by the blood that was covering my mouth, my nose, my chin, my chest and of course the majority of my right hand. I looked like an extra off The Walking Dead. I washed myself off and got back in to bed. Thankfully I'm not easily grossed out but she was so embarrassed she started to cry. I never saw her again after that.
UtahStateAgnostics: Are you sure she didn't start menstruating?
bealzebro: Seems most likely. First time that happened with my wife, it looked like a murder scene. I was all "doesn't matter; had sex." She was embarrassed as all hell.
| 3 | 4 | |
1411173103 | 1411205317 | t3_2gwt45 | t5_2to41 | 37 | commander_wong: TIFU by getting this subreddit banned at my school.
I spend pretty much all my computer classes, which is half the school day, on this subreddit. Today it got blocked from the school wifi.
dray0: Use the "+" trick.
Try http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu+
It works in my school for the banned subreddits.
Meganisium: Alternatively, use https://pay.reddit.com/r/tifu.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1411173042 | 1411271898 | t3_2gwt0c | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my crush a picture of my mom
I showed a picture of my mom to my crush earlier today. She was in awe of how beautiful she was and kept commenting on it. After a while she turns, looks at me, and says "what happened with you?"
Fuck.
[deleted]: Mom's pic or it didn't happen.
sugargliderlover: HAAAA!!
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411173949 | 1411176168 | t3_2gwube | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU while trying to get an aerial shot of my buddy's dad's recently restored car.
Im on mobile so i apologize for grammar and spelling.
This happened about 3 houra ago. But first, a little backstory:
My friends dad acquired a 1976 Lincoln continental. She was in rough shape. Ran, but didn't look like much. We liked to hang out and cruise around in this ballin gangster car, dressed in suits, and listen to 8-tracks.
So i moved away about a year ago and havent really seen them much. Yesterday i came by for the weekend and we went for a cruise today in the Lincoln. Newly painted, mostly restored. Absolutely gorgeous. We were ballin. We pulled over for a bit so i could smoke and take some photos.
So i have this quadricopter and i took it with us. Problem is, it was kind of windy today, so o was being extra careful with my drone. If it got too close the the car, i would cut the power and it would drop.
Im sure you can see where this is going. Expensive car + quadricopter = scratches.
Which is exactly what happened. It was approaching the car, so i killed the power. It flew nicely over the top and WHAM! Right on the trunk. Nice scratch and a little dent.
Now imagine Ferris buhlers friend's dad. Yup. Thats this guy and his lincoln.
After some profanity, a large amount of money spent on waxing/washing the car, coupled with me possibly not having the same friendship with my buddy (we've been friends for a long time). We finally managed to hide the scratch. His dad will find it, but my buddy wont let me come clean.
TL:DR scratched a beautiful car with my drone because, yes, i am a moron.
Thewittynamee: Is was actually Cameron and his dad
turk1ish: Who and what now?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411173292 | 1411188175 | t3_2gwte3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | qbguy: TIFU - A coworker and I got a little to close and I'm married!
Just before I begin, I want you all to know that this is my first time posting on here, and well I am a fan of this forum. I just wanted you to all know I still could not believe what I had sir-come too. Now this happened two days ago.
Well where should I begin? Well just before we start I want you guys to know that I suck pretty much in grammar. That's why I'm working in the trades, I kid though of course. Hahaha.
So I started working at this new shop where I work as an industrial painter for the oil and gas industry. Well it's me and four other guys and one woman. Well we are working and joking and all is good, right. Well I am a married man and have never before cheated or anything of the sort. Well, we came in for work and the night shift was suppose to paint internally in these large sixty foot pipes roughly in length and the diameter of about thirty inches. So you can believe that it is quite a tight fit. So my boss wants me and the woman who's name is going to be "Jill" though that isn't her real name. Well her and I seem to get along better then her and the others there who are in their mid-forties and well she's closer to my age, I'm 29 and she's 25. So she's on one end and I'm on the other and we are both sanding down the runs and sags. Now this was an all day job, night shift does this to us all the time, and well you can believe how hot it was in there. With all the dust and us with sanders and paper, with our flashlights. We were working pretty hard in order to make the deadline.
Hours pass and the two of us are chatting away and she was telling me about her life and I was doing the same thing. So this went on for quite awhile, pretty much the rest of the day, and soon the shop cleared out as other projects where happening outside of that side of the shop.
She's single, I'm married, and we are in a long pipe, in a cramped space, and its hot temp wise. So after some time we reach the center and once we are all finished doing the hard work. We take a few minutes and just chill to catch our breath and to let the dust settle.
Moments passed and well the silence surrounds us and then the silence was broken by her passing gas and it was loud. She chuckled and so did I. Cause it was just funny and then a few more seconds passed and then she said, and this is what she said straight forward, no lie. "I love it when I fart. Don't you?" I was shocked by that, not as a joke or anything, but as a person, you know we all feel better after we relieve ourselves from a gaseous buildup. So I responded with "How so?" Right cause you know I couldn't just remain silent or else you know it would be awkward.
Then a few moments had passed and she then began to reveal her feelings for me and what she was into sexually and whatnot. I was taken back by this and couldn't believe everything she was telling me. -So if you are wondering what she looks like, cause I know a few people out there are thinking about that. She's 5''4 and is pencil thin.
She then started telling me what she's really into, I'm just going to say it, farting. That it gave her some form of sexual feeling. So just to recap all that happened so far, we're in a pipe sanding out the imperfections in the paint, and she told me that she's into me and that she has a fart fetish.
I then began to feel the awkwardness come over me, I could feel her waiting for me to respond, and I knew I had to say something. I couldn't just leave her there by herself cause for some reason I didn't want to be a jerk. Plus I honestly think she is a beautiful woman and then I stupidly opened my mouth and told her that I too had feelings for her. She then replied "Does it weird you out that I love farting?" I replied not at all cause honestly who am I to judge right. I then continued to tell her that I'm married and then she replied that she didn't care one bit. Something had awoken in me, something that I am truly not happy with.
With us being alone she then asked me if I wanted to press my face against her bottom and experience what she liked together? I don't know what I was thinking and gave in. What happened next was sheer bliss and after it was all finished we kissed. We then collected our tools, cleaned up, and went on about the rest of our day. Their was no awkwardness, no shame, no anything. But the next day and today we would exchange grins to one another and the flirting coming from her began to grow even more intense and now every time there's a project that needs two people she always volunteers her and I and it's heaven.
Though it isn't sexually yet. I do feel guilty somewhat and though nothing sexual has happened, I must say that she has unlocked a weird side of me.
CNNblowz: Yeah. I don't believe this one.
[deleted]: Story like this, it's gotta be true
| 3 | 1 | |
1411177045 | 1411178512 | t3_2gwypx | t5_2to41 | 6 | Gavinmgraham: Tifu by not getting a generator.
We have a show tomorrow (we do side shows and run a diy midway) at a street festival in Baltimore. My one job for the group was to get a generator to run the games and sound system. Took today off from work to get everything ready. The cold, horrible realization that I never got the generator, or even reserved one, hit me two hours after the rental place closed. I have to drive 45 minutes tomorrow morning and get there as soon as they open, hoping to Bob that they have one in stock, and then haul ass with both hands to B-more. Leaving almost no time to get set up.
[deleted]: Are there powerlines near that show? It's not *stealing*...
Gavinmgraham: Actually they changed the rules last year. We used to be able to run extension cords from the shops. Two years ago some vendor didn't tape their cords and someone tripped and fucked up a knee or something.
[deleted]: ah man, that messed everything up. the amount of potential^(and money)...sigh
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411178227 | 1411182669 | t3_2gx0cc | t5_2to41 | 7 | pineapple2010: TIFU by giving myself a hickey.
This started a few months ago when my dishwasher stopped cleaning and my apartment refuses to do anything about it. Therefore, we have been trying to use disposable items to cut back on dishes.
Today I was relaxing on the couch after playing with my daughter for a while. I drank all my water (in my plastic disposable cup).
So I started playing with it, first by chewing on the edge, then putting it on my chin and mouth and sucking all the air out.
This is where I fuck up.
I look down and the cup is all creased with blood inside.
I then got worried. I go to the bathroom and look and my lips look like I just got lip injections. There is also a bright red circle under my lip.
As the hours past, I realized the red spot was turning into a black bruise.
That's right, I gave myself a hickey on my chin. After trying to massage it, put ice on it, slapping it, and everything else my crazy mind could think of, I knew I had to tell my husband.
I text my husband to let him know what I had done and now he can't stop laughing at me and it's been 4 hours. I will probably never live this one down.
I guess it's good I'm a girl and can cover it up with makeup, I'm still so ashamed and decided to warm all my fellow redditors of the precautions you should take not to get a chin hickey. So don't go sucking on any cups.
rzmohno: Nice! When I was 13 I gave myself a hickey smack dab in the middle of my forehead with one of these: http://www.amazon.com/Schylling-PANIC-PETE-SQUEEZE-TOY/dp/B001R57O88/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1411178317&sr=8-1-fkmr1&keywords=desk+toy+squeeze+guy
pineapple2010: This makes me feel a little better...
Maker01: I gave myself a hickey on my chin in 5th grade with this: http://www.kipptoys.com/(S(u4wuxfz3dbso1rj4oq5zp4qn))/ProductBrowse/ProductDetail.aspx?PID=15323
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411179805 | 1411202634 | t3_2gx2jg | t5_2to41 | 3 | itzaklevi: TIFU by driving too slowly
So I had to go pick up sister from a band rehearsal at around 10:00. So just a few minutes ago, really. I pick her up and pull back out onto the road that connects back to the main road. This is the only connection from the school to the main road, so everyone is taking it. Well, as soon as I pull out onto the road, a F-150 pulls out behind me. And he has his brights on. Like I literally could not see ANYTHING behind me. Roughly 2-3 times brighter than my brights, which are admittedly not the best. It's like he replaced the bulbs with the ultra bright lamps. So I assume he simply forgot to turn the brights off, and I flash the hazards at him and slow sharply. This does not work. I start to think that maybe the driver's just a bit dense, so i decide to drive like 15 mph under the limit to help him get the hint. At around this time, just as we are pulling out onto the main road, my sister realizes that the truck behind us is actually carrying one of her good friends. She laughs a bit, and texts her to ask her to turn off the brights. Here, the fuck-up is revealed. Her friend replies that the brights are not on, and the truck flashes its REAL brights. They were like small suns. I swear I have never seen headlights that bright in my entire life. What I thought were brights were just exceptionally bright running lights. Now incredibly embarrassed that I was a total dick for no reason, I speed away.
TL:DR; I drove really slowly to encourage a guy behind me to turn off his brights, only to realize that it's my sisters friends dad, and his brights are not actually on.
LennyTheCrazyInmate: That's not uncommon with trucks. It's not so much the brightness but the height of the headlights. They tend to shine right inside of cars. I've been the guy in the truck that has had to flash the brights back at someone to let them know I hadn't had them on the whole time.
glottal__stop: Yeah, your high beams aren't actually brighter than your normal low setting. They are actually just angled higher on the road. So then a taller vehicle can sometimes blind you with their normal headlights.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411178053 | 1411188280 | t3_2gx03e | t5_2to41 | 15 | Justinterestedinknow: TIFU by playing video games with new people
second year of university i played video games with my friends that i lived with. i am OCD about my personal space so we usually played in the living room, the TV had broke and at the time my TV was too small. the accommodation that i lived in was 3 houses 1 for university students and the others were assisted living houses for those with varying levels of learning difficulties.
the main house that was occupied with people with learning difficulties had a large 42" HD TV so we asked if we could play the video games in there and got permission. the occupants of the house were very welcoming and spoke with us and were just generally interested in us.
we let them play with us and suddenly there is a really nasty smell that i thought was a fart so i look around and no one else seemed like they noticed so i carried on. a couple minutes later it wasnt going away and it was actually getting worse it smelt like he depths of a sewer 100year old rotten eggs boiled in poop water is what i imagined would be the closest comparison.
so i look around and now my friend can smell it and we gesture to each other to ask if it was either of us...it wasnt we carry on and 30 minutes later its getting worse and it was unbearable so thinking one of them just has a dodgy stomach and keeps farting we thank them and pack up and leave.
the controllers are wet in a rush to leave i think its just sweat no big deal until i get back into my room...brown everywhere...yes there was shit all on my hands the controllers and everything else i had touched carrying it back...we never went back.
overall im glad for meeting them and the helpers gave them so much confidence but yes they shitted themselves and wiped their shitty hands on my controllers which i put my hands on which had they're vile smelling shit on my hands.
svensudels: Nooo....u have to explain more...did u confront them?!? No, no, no....smh...
Justinterestedinknow: short answer: No
Long Answer: i just wanted to get the shit off my hands so much so that the games console got knocked off the desk when the "oh fuck" moment occurred and broke. there was crap on all the difference parts of the console the many doors so after i got it off my hands i then had to retrace my steps as if the helpers saw it they would probably have assumed it was my crap.
I don't *think* that they were some kind of group poop revenge evil geniuses. it was just horrific right up there when i had to shake a prostitutes had in Atlantic City just to get her to leave me alone, my hands have never felt the same since!
but it made me decided my interactions with them were to be limited after this as there were many other incidents such as my first night of arriving after a 5 hour journey because of an accident on the motorway i rang my parents (they would have been worried this was my 1st year and 1st time away on my own and i'm 3.5hours late) so i'm casually on the phone and its near midnight i turn around to look outside the drivers side window. these two guys shit me up literally leaning over the window one persons head halfway through the window and the other right beside him but not in the window. but thats nothing to my roommates...
| 3 | 5 | |
1411182239 | 1411229198 | t3_2gx5q1 | t5_2to41 | 55 | CrustyButtAss: NSFW TIFU by sticking my dick in a Mountain Dew bottle.
It all started when I was talking to my friend Scott (not his real name). We were talking about mountain dew bottles when I has a obscure thought in my head, "I wonder what would happen if I stuck my dick in that thing"? I proceeded to go downstairs, grab what closely resembled a mountain bottle (Coca Cola bottle), and ran upstairs to MY bathroom. I proceeded to insert my Jimmy Jong into said bottle and immediately become erect(Apparently I learned something that day: I get turned on when my dick is inside a bottle). During this process, suction is becoming more and more prevalent. By the time I have had enough of the pressure, I try to pull out(hehe) and can't. The suction was too much that my dick wouldn't come out! In panic, I put my boxers back on, and trot down the hallway to my room with a bulge in my underwear that closely resembled a bottle. After I got to my room, I grabbed the closest thing that could cut through the bottle to relieve the suction, which was an exacto knife. I then tried to cut the bottle, when the knife slipped all the way through and cut at my dick. I eventually get the suction out of the bottle and my dick is free, however I have a huge fucking gash next to the tip of my penis! So that day I learned two things: Don't stick your dick in a bottle, and IF you do, don't cut the bottle with an exacto knife.
TL:DR - Got dick stuck in a bottle, and sliced my dick while trying to get it out.
Edit: typos, grammar
usekidsforfood: I used to look at those 1 liter bottles really seductively, maybe OP was talking about that size?
Pinoy-Boy: The 500ml, 1 liter, and 2 liter coke bottles share the same bottle caps.
I_Rob_The_Homeless: But that magical 3 liter... like finding a albino unicorn.
CrustyButtAss: They actually make those?!?!
Gotta step my penis inserting game up.
venemousthorn: I've only seen them with Faygo, and even that was years ago.
LuckyStarBunny: most dollar stores (in the US, anyway) have 3-liter bottles of various off-brand and a few name brand sodas.
| 7 | 7.857143 | |
1411181842 | 1411432689 | t3_2gx57j | t5_2to41 | 18 | harley9498: TIFU by trusting that my gf locked the door
Okay, so my gf and I are in a long distance relationship, 4 hours apart. I see her most weekends, but a good amount of the time it coincides with me being at my parents house. Okay, so we did "it" the first time and got away with it, but she went to the bathroom, down the hallway. She came back into the room, and closed the door, and climbed back into bed naked. Things started getting hot and heavy again, and I looked at the door and asked if she locked the door. Confidently, she told me that she had locked the door, and we continued on our "endeavour." I'm climbing up her body and the second I'm about to go in, my dad opens the door unannounced...I now do not know how to leave my room....
tl;dr TIFU by not making sure my door was locked, and I think my dad saw my gf's tits, and my manhood...and I don't know how to leave the room
edit 1: You guys are giving great ideas, but definitely pissing might be an option...he is acting like nothing happened
Castig007: Been there, best advice I can give is dont be a bitch about it, walk out and if you see your dad look at with a disappointed look and say " don't you know how to knock?" and walk away...fast...just get the fuck out before he has time to reply...
ForTheFalcon: Flee and never look back. Start a society living out in the wild with mongooses if you have to.
Imthedaddy11: Mongeese*
ForTheFalcon: Actually either mongooses or mongeese are correct. Mongeese isn't as commonly used though.
Imthedaddy11: Holy crap really? i was just fucking with you but in that case, Mongeeses*
ForTheFalcon: Mongeesegooses*
Imthedaddy11: mongoosegeeses*
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1411184828 | 1411185326 | t3_2gx94h | t5_2to41 | 3 | holymother: TIFU by making an illegal turn.
Made a bad call and made a turn at a intersection where no turns are allowed. Well some cop saw me and slapped on 5 tickets for my reckless driving. Now I'm learning how to walk prior to the court date.
n4clh20: I would like to give you a ticket for posting something that lacks humor or drama.
holymother: :(
| 3 | 1 | |
1411186415 | 1411206911 | t3_2gxb6z | t5_2to41 | 7 | landapple: TIFU by ruining a live recording.
When I was about 7 or so, my mom got me into television. She set me up with my own agent and whatever star children get. So I went to this place where they were holding a recording. I was to be part of a live recording audience. There was some guy demonstrating some hardcore sciency stuff. At one point, he had just used a stomp rocket or something, and asked the audience a question. Signs were held up for us to say a specific thing (details are fuzzy), and I decided to yell out a big ol' "That's stupid!". The guy immediately stops and looks around. He says, "Who said that?" Immediately all the kids surrounding me point towards my face. In a feeble attempt to fend off attention, I point at the asshole kid in an afro, who seconds before, yelled, "SHE DID!". Obviously this wasn't a good move, because that kid's mom gives my mom the stinkeye (who is humiliated by this point). I'm told that that's rude by the sciency guy, and everyone drops it. My mom, humiliated, takes me out of the place, and takes me out of TV. (There were previous offenses, such as refusing to do things)
**TL;DR: Yelled out something, ruined a live recording, all at only 7 years old!**
BIGpimpSPENDcheese: At least it wasn't today.
landapple: Imagine some 18-year-old sitting in the audience among 2nd graders yelling out at the sciency dude.
Nateacus: Crying from laughter
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411183132 | 1411187122 | t3_2gx6xh | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by making a highly insensitive joke. :(
I have been friends with person A for a very long time. She likes to draw anime, specifically pictures of herself hugging this other girl, friend B. Touching noses, holding hands, etc. Etc. Friend stuff, right?
Well, today friend A was talking to friend B, and trying to make a joke, walked up to them and whispered as creepily as I can:
"You two should date...."
Friend A turns to me, bursts into tears, and runs off. Friend B gave me a dirty look and runs after her.
Turns out friend A just asked out friend B on a date. She didn't accept, since friend B is straight.
Now neither of them will talk to me, and I've just been sitting here silently kicking myself.
Castig007: ............you fucked up
bird_teeth: I fucked up. :(
Castig007: How are you gonna make up for fucking up?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411185596 | 1411232868 | t3_2gxa2l | t5_2to41 | 31 | bfg24: TIFU by calling in sick the other week
Context: I'm a 20 year old Aussie guy, working in a bottle shop part-time while I study.
A fortnight ago, we started a new roster at work, which has me closing up every second Saturday night at 9:30, starting at 4. This is a pain in the ass. I'd already planned to go to the first day of the Spring Races with all my mates before going straight to a house party at one of the girls' place the Saturday I was meant to work late.
So I did what I haven't done in two year's of work, and called in sick. My boss was not thrilled. Explained I had really bad diarrhoea and hadn't left the bathroom all morning, felt really shit, etc. She definitely didn't believe me, but what could she do? I had heaps of sick-leave saved up.
Ended up having an awesome time at the races- wearing my new suit- and then had way too much to drink at the house party and passed out mid-grope on my girlfriend. Amusing for all my friends, less amusing to my mother whom I have on fb who saw photos the next morning..
But I digress. Fast-forward a fortnight to today, when it's time for my next Saturday closing shift. Previous night was a friend's 21st; pretty average party to be honest, but she had a good time, and no one was a dick about the party not being so crazy. Good times overall.
Until this morning.
My bowels felt like they were hosting the Mardi Gras this year. Spent the next few hours running between curled up on the couch hating life, and melting the porcelain at my gf's house whilst hating life. So now I'm typing this, with only a couple of hours left before I have to show up to work. I can't call in sick two weeks in a row for the shift everyone knows that I hate, with the exact same illness.
Tl;dr Called in sick with diarrhoea 2 weeks ago so I could go out and party with my mates instead, fast-forward to today; actually have diarrhoea, and I'll have to go to work. Sorry for yet another poo-related TIFU.
glottal__stop: I mean, I'm sure getting sick multiple times within a short period of time has happened to people before.
bfg24: I'd say so, but I've also swapped my next two Saturday closing shifts with other people for various events. At the end of the day it'd just look way too convenient..
evestraw: send a stool sample to your manager :D
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1411177955 | 1411232139 | t3_2gwzyg | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by menstruating.
Apologies, this happened a few weeks ago.
---
On Thursday, I checked the period tracker app on my phone. It said my period would start the next day, but I figured it was wrong, since my period had come later than it predicted for the past few cycles. So, that night, when I packed up to head to my boyfriend’s for the night, I did not bring my menstrual cup.
The next day, I was at work when I noticed a little bit of blood. I grabbed a tampon from the basket in the bathroom. Surely, I’d be able to make it through the day and then go home after having some fun that night.
Everything was great. I got off work, then my boyfriend got off work, and then we got in the car to head to the state fair. At the fair, we rode rides and ate disgusting food and looked at prize-winning giant pumpkins. I pet a baby goat. Boyfriend ogled a giant cow (I thought that was just how big cows were; I was wrong). We finally decided to head home.
When we got into town after the hour-long drive, I asked Boyfriend to take me to my place specifically so I could pick up my menstrual cup. “Do you have your keys?” he asked. Everyone was out of town for the weekend, so no one would be able to let me in without them.
“Nah. I can just crawl through the dog door,” I told him.
“I don’t think it’s that big.”
“Sure it is. Seven is a pretty big dog, plus my dad and stepmom and stepsister have all had to do it at one point or another.”
*You can see where this is going.*
Boyfriend pulled up in the driveway. I went through the gate on the side of the house. I crawled into the dog house attached to the garage wall, then pushed my arms through the dog door inside. It was completely dark, by the way. All I could see was a blinking light from inside my stepmom’s car.
My shoulders made it through just fine. Then, my boobs, which I was sure would be the problem, got through. Then…my hips got stuck. Of course! My big, stupid butt and wide-ass hips would give me trouble. At that point, my whole upper body was through, and I couldn’t get enough strength to push myself back out. I twisted myself around so my hips were aligned with the longest part of the opening, but my butt was still too big to fit through.
I groped ahead of me in the darkness, hoping that the gate we used to keep the dogs contained in the garage had swung into the dog pen. Success! I grabbed the gate and started to pull. I wiggled my hips. I prayed to the gods of people stuck in doors. I had visions of my boyfriend moving into the dog house and turning me into a table like that one Winnie the Pooh story. Finally, after what felt like ten minutes, my butt made it through, and I fell to the floor.
I then got up, found my way into the house through the darkness, grabbed my cup and a shirt for tomorrow, then walked out the front door, locking the knob behind me.
glottal__stop: I dunno who downvoted this. It's hilarious!
skyblue_sky: Thank you. I guess some people are just freaked out by period stuff. TOO BAD FOR THEM.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411190656 | 1411211765 | t3_2gxg8i | t5_2to41 | 9 | Turakamu: TIFU by showing my boss someone stole a wine cooler.
I told my boss that someone stole a wine cooler under his watch from his gas station. We replaced it with a spare they had in the back. The pack was strawberry daiquiri. We were in the beer cooler looking for it at the time and as i came out I saw a super hot older lady. Boss asked me what flavor i replaced it with, and I responded with, "Jamacian Me Crazy."
Hot older lady turns to me and smiles when she sees me, "what did you say?" I fumbled, checked her out, and ID'd her for the beer she bought.
It could have gone so much smoother...
kwyjiboner: Today I Wasn't Quite as Smooth as I Thought I Should Have Been in Retrospect
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: Today you used way too many capitals.
I'm sorry I had to.
shadowofsunderedstar: TIWQSITISHBR.
Makes an acronym, see...
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: \*crickets*
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1411179745 | 1411243449 | t3_2gx2gf | t5_2to41 | 7 | purplemonkeydishrag: TIFU by trying to reinstall Ubuntu
So normally I use WindowMaker on my Ubuntu partition on my laptop, but for some reason a week ago I had to use the Gnome desktop, and as a result I got a popup telling me to upgrade to 14.04. Normally I ignore all upgrades, because they're too much trouble, but I guess I was bored so I decided to go for it. It took forever to download the update, and then was installing very slowly. I let it go overnight and it eventually crashed without completing.
So I restarted the process, and ended up messing everything up, and could only boot to an initramfs> prompt. At this point I said to hell with it, and just tried to reinstall. This part was just an hour ago. When it came time to select the partition I went with the only available option, which was to use a 5.6G partition. The installer then yelled at me because it needs at least 2.6G to install. I thought this warning a bit stupid, since 5.6 is definitely greater than 2.6, but I hit back to try to fix it. This led me to the partition table, which I didn't want to deal with, so I hit back again, which led me to the page asking if I wanted to install Ubuntu alongside Windows, which I selected again. Then somehow, instead of going back and asking about the partition, it just jumped ahead to the page where you select the time zone. This took no time at all. I realized at this point something was fucked up, and backed out of the install.
Unfortunately, now when I tried to reinstall, and got to the part about choosing the partition it says there is no Windows partition. And when I tried to boot normally, absolutely nothing happens, it just hangs. Windows is gone, and Ubuntu obviously hasn't been installed. It doesn't make any sense because I definitely chose to install alongside Windows both times. I've installed dual boots several times and never had an issue.
Obviously I can install Ubuntu still, but Windows seems to be gone, and it's not like I can just download a free copy (legally) like I can with a Linux distro. Fortunately, I don't have any important files on the laptop that aren't backed up to my main computer, but I still want to have Windows on the system, so I definitely fucked up. On the plus side, I finally had a reason to post in TIFU!
Lesson to be learned: never install the updates Ubuntu wants me to.
tl;dr I tried to reinstall Ubuntu and ended up accidentally deleting Windows from my laptop.
throwsexceptions: Links to the Official Windows 7 ISO's are [here!](http://www.w7forums.com/threads/official-windows-7-sp1-iso-image-downloads.12325/page-2#post-124821)
Download the ISO that matches your product key.
Or for Windows 8.1 try [this](http://www.cnet.com/uk/how-to/how-to-download-the-official-microsoft-windows-8-1-iso/)
purplemonkeydishrag: Thanks! I wasn't sure if I had the product key any more, but then thought to look on the bottom of the laptop and saw the sticker there. If I'm not able to salvage Windows without a reinstall then this is what I will do. Thanks for the help!
glottal__stop: Hey, that sounds like good news with all things considered. :)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411171836 | 1411307686 | t3_2gwra8 | t5_2to41 | 8 | JonD91: TIFU by going to an auction
Background: So I work for this local family owned company, total of 12 employees (including me). Father started the company in 1982, son helps run the company. The son is married to one of the two secretary's. Her brother works along side me. I am also the newest person here (started in July). I am not so awesome with money, pretty much always living paycheck to paycheck.
Event: The company I work for attends this Ducks Unlimited event once a year. There's a silent auction, door prizes, actual auction, free giveaways, raffles, dinner, the full works. I've heard it's a good time and the company I work for always foots the bill for us to attend (which is $55 each) so I think to myself, "hey why not"
So I buy some of the tickets for the raffles, place a few bids at the silent auction, get a few drinks and the night is going great. I get outbid at the silent auction on the two items I bid on, but hey, that's money I didn't really have to spend anyways. I don't win any of the raffle items either, but oh well, there were a lot of people there.
Then comes the auction. A few cool items go up, but nothing I can afford. People are bidding like crazy so I had no chance. Next on the block is a black Ducks Unlimited bench with a concealed gun case in the bottom half. I can't understand a word the auctioneer is saying. Nobody bids. At all. He babbles on for about five minutes. Then I hear him distinctly say the word "twenty". I figure that's a steal at that price! So I throw up my bid card. Everybody stares at me because I haven't placed one bid all night. The auctioneer is now babbling again but now he's saying $200. Not one person moved their bid card. I'm sitting there thinking "shitfucksomeonepleasebidrightnow". Nobody does. I win. Now $200 may not seem like a lot to 90% of people on here, but I make $9/hr and live on my own. I usually have about $30 in the bank by the time payday comes. I panic and leave.
On the way home I realize that when I registered to bid I had to put my company name on the info sheet. About an hour and a half later I get a text from my boss (the son who co-owns) that says "You should NOT have done that. I just had to pay for a $200 bench and $100 worth of raffle tickets. You were here representing (company name). This is NOT COOL. I am not happy."
And here I am. Currently writing this and about a page long apology letter containing what used to be my new car fund hoping I still have a job on Monday. I don't even know why there was $100 of raffle tickets on there too, I paid for the ones I got earlier in the evening, but I guess that's karma for being a little bitch and leaving.
TL/DR accidently bough a $200 item at auction, ran home. Boss got stuck with the bill and is now pissed at me
ColbyKilla: So did you get the bench or nah?
JonD91: As of now, no. Turns out my boss and his wife actually like the bench so I may be in the clear!
ColbyKilla: Well that worked out than.
| 4 | 2 | |
1411195938 | 1411209595 | t3_2gxlm4 | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling someone they might have brain cancer
I work in a pharmacy and a lady was orderering some very obscure migraine medication. She was telling me of all the different medications that's she's tried and nothing has worked. Once she's finished listing 20 different medications my eyes unglaze and I tell her "maybe its not a migraine, it could be a tumor causing the headache"
random_anonymous_guy: If she comes back, thanking you, telling you how she went to the doctor after that, and it indeed WAS a tumor, and not only that, it is easily treatable, then YDNRFU.
[deleted]: And that acronym means?
arctony: I'm guessing "You did not really fuck up".
[deleted]: Thank you!
| 5 | 8 | |
1411193204 | 1411204252 | t3_2gxizs | t5_2to41 | 586 | spazian45: TIFU by cleaning my BBQ
Thursday night after another day of work, my girlfriend and mate decide to have a BBQ and a few drinks to settle ourselves into the soon coming weekend.
My girlfriend gets home with these beautiful king rib eye steaks she has grabbed from the butcher and I start to prep and clean the BBQ. Once I believed the BBQ is clean I throw on these steaks and a few mushrooms, continuing on with having a few drinks and laughs.
Me being the impatient cook I see that some of the mushrooms are fairly close to being ready so I grab one and eat it off the hot plate. Everything seems to be fine until I start to get a very sharp stabbing pain in my throat. I let the others know and about 2 mins after start violently throwing up all the while feeling this stabbing pain in the back of my throat.
I tell them that I believe something is stuck there and I can feel it moving around so we head to the clinic across the road from my place. Once we arrive we tell the nurse what has happened and she sends me straight in to see a doctor, the doctor has a look with his scope and a light but can't see anything and wonders if I have just burnt the back of my throat. I knew this wasn't the case, so he sends us to the hospital for further inspection.
Once I get to the hospital they make me wait for 2.5 hours (by this time I've started to throw up blood), and they didn't seem very eager either. The doctor came in and asked what I thought was wrong and how could she help, so I let her know that I could feel something in my throat and if she could take it out that would be helpful. Not expecting to find anything (her words) she had a look. All of a sudden her demeanour changes to excitement and she yells out she can see something! But it looks like a hair and is only 1cm long. After a lot of numbing spray and dry reaching from tweezers in my mouth she finally starts trying to scrape this hair like thing off the back of my throat but it won't move. She has one last go but instead grabs it and yanks it out.
I feel sudden relief and am shocked at this 3cm wire strand that is remove from my mouth.
The doc believes that when I went to swallow the mushroom my throat closed on the wire strand that has come off my BBQ brush when I cleaning.
In the morning I inspected the BBQ in better light and saw at least 20 strands all over the BBQ, luckily I was the only one that ate.
DerTeufelshund: As soon as I read BBQ I could see where this is going. Heard of this story way too many times.
Next time try a ball of aluminum foil. Does the trick better than a brush I think, and no real chance of aluminum shards.
glottal__stop: Well damn! I've certainly never heard this before. This is a great cautionary tale for the future.
DerTeufelshund: Definitely. I hope more people read this, it's a pretty serious danger. I was cleaning the family grill once with a brush and noticed the shards, that's when we switched.
glottal__stop: Do they sell these brushes specifically to clean grills? I've never cleaned one before. It seems like a ridiculous hazard if they do.
DerTeufelshund: Yeah, they do.
glottal__stop: ...
DerTeufelshund: My thoughts exactly.
| 8 | 73.25 | |
1411198127 | 1411277989 | t3_2gxnku | t5_2to41 | -23 | Eyevoree: TIFU by letting my dog chase the neighbor's dogs out of our yard.
Well it wasn't so much an *I* fucked up as it was *we* fucked up..
So I live in mid-ish Georgia by Fort Stewart. Out here it's nothing but trees, bugs, and unpleasant people. One of my neighbors in my dead ass town has a family of rats-er dogs.. that he allows to roam the streets at night. There's 5 nasty little dogs of varying mutt breeds.
Apparently huskies are unheard of in this state because people treat my dog like she's satan. She's incredibly friendly but she still likes to chase dogs out of our yard.
So 2am rolls by and my dog starts pacing and trying to get my husband's and my attention. He looks out the window and sees a dog run through our driveway and around the house. Typically we let our dog chase the team of rodents back to their home, but here's where we fucked up.
My girl usually walks herself around the neighborhood. We put a leash on her and she has this weird assumption that if there's a leash on her, she can't run away, even if we aren't holding it. Tonight, we didn't leash her. Sometimes we let her run around the yard without one and she's pretty good.
This time, she got too excited. He walks outside with her and I go to lay down. He comes back about 10 minutes later and says he lost the dog.
As it turned out, the dog was not part of the band of neighborhood dogs. This was one big pit dog that my girl deemed her boyfriend. She took off with him into the night leaving her parents panick-stricken. We get in our car and the hunt is on.
We drive around for a while and don't even have an idea where she is. We decide to split: I stayed in the car while he ran around. I looped her usual walk spots while he scoured the outskirts of our neighborhood. At one point I realize I don't have my phone and he might be calling me.
I go back home and sure enough, he had just called. I phone him and he's panting. He found her, but she was with her boyfriend and didn't want to be caught. He had chased her down a road and she decided she wanted to run through the woods. My husband, in shorts and sneakers, had to chase her through tick infested woods for 10 minutes. So he's lost, she's gone again, and we're back to square one + ticks.
I drive up and down the main road and cannot figure out how to get into the neighborhood where I can hear dogs barking. Georgia isn't known for its classy streets.
Eventually he corners her and her boyfriend ditched her. When we get home, he tells me exactly how he found her.. which is the best part.
As he was walking down one of the streets, he heard the jingle of her caller. He stopped to listen, and it stopped. So he started to walk, and the jingle started again. He stopped, jingle stopped. So he takes some slow steps, and he sees a bushy tail poking out from behind a tree.. he calls her name and tells her to get down and she does. I went to pick them up and we went home.
Apparently my dog understands line of sight and hid behind a tree like a toddler... as he moved, she slowly rotated around the tree. If she didn't have such a fat ass, he wouldn't have even seen her.
Cherry on top: I spent the better half of my 3am stretch picking ticks off the two of them..
**TL:DR** My husband and I let our dog chase another dog out of our yard and she ran off. When we found her, she hid behind and tree and actually moved while my husband moved and almost got away again. Then ticks. Ticks.^ticks...
[deleted]: Yeah, she's not your child and as soon as you guys have a real baby you'll understand how silly it is to call your pet your child.
Eyevoree: When did I say she was my child?
[deleted]: > She took off with him into the night leaving her parents panick-stricken.
Her parents. C'mon now.
Eyevoree: It was more of a joke or play on words because I said that she ran off with her boyfriend in the middle of the night..
You don't have to talk down to me because I don't have kids. You know what? She *is* my kid. She's my little girl.
[deleted]: You know what, I do apologize if I came off as a bit of a cunt. No hard feelings I hope.
ProfessorWhom: Jesus Christ, were you blackout drunk or something? It took you like 3 hours of being a complete and utter asshole to apologize.
[deleted]: I apologized for the possibility of hurting her feelings with my strongly worded posts, I didn't apologize for the content of those posts. Pets are not children.
| 8 | -2.875 | |
1411198443 | 1411219043 | t3_2gxnv9 | t5_2to41 | 164 | throwthecoffeeaway: TIFU by drinking coffee
I didn't get much sleep last night so I was pretty tired when I woke up this morning. I go to make myself a coffee and grab an bag of pre-ground coffee, I pour it into a double scoop group and make the coffee.
Further along the day I start getting more and more anxious and quite nauseous.When I get to work in the evening (fast food joint) I'm feeling really weird and pretty sick, as I'm working my hands are shaking all over like I've got Parkinsons or something.
I'm feeling like shit by this point so I take a break and sit down at the back of the shop. Right now I'm starting to lose feeling in my hands, legs and face and it's being replaced by this insane vibration. I feel like I'm going to fucking pass out. My whole body is oscillating and I think I'm going to die. [Spoiler](/s"I don't")
Eventually my body stops vibrating, and after some water I settle down and take the night off. I still feel like I want to vomit but at least I'm not passed out.
It turns out that I should have not only read the coffee packet for the *expiry date* but I should have also checked to see that it was really *instant coffee* (which you only really need use one teaspoon of, I probably had the equivalent of about 7 or 8 cups of coffee in one hit. My normal amount is about twice a month!)
Tl;dr: I almost passed out from taking 7-8 cups worth of expired instant coffee in one hit.
Edit: It was about the equivalent of around 10-12 cups apparently. The instant coffee was powder that you just put into hot water, it had about 50mg caffeine in less than a teaspoon of powder and the group holds around 10 teaspoons. So I'm guessing that was almost 0.5g or more of caffeine
Edit: 50mg
refusetoargueonline: Expired won't matter, but you basically had a few shots of espresso. To the uninitiated, that's a pretty crazy amount of caffeine. Try clenbuterol if you want to know what jittery feels like.
onoffon: Fun fact: A cup of coffee has about 1.5 times the caffeine that a shot of espresso has so he had about 10 to 12 shots of espresso.
AnElephantThatTypes: I work in a coffee shop, I don't know why everyone everyone thinks a shot of espresso equals a cup of coffee or more.
FleshColoredCrayon: It has at least 5x the caffeine by volume. When you look up caffeine it sometimes will use equivalent volume instead of serving size.
AnElephantThatTypes: That's true, but somewhere along the way a good number of people decided that a shot was as strong as a cup of coffee. It's just like people thinking dark roast has more caffeine than a lighter roast
| 6 | 27.333333 | |
1411199219 | 1411282725 | t3_2gxojh | t5_2to41 | 96 | annikonda: TIFU by ripping the door handle off my boyfriend's car and throwing it at a customer
This just happened about 15 minutes ago. I just got off work as a cocktail server at a bar, and it was a really long shitty night. Meanwhile, my boyfriend went to happy hour with his coworkers, drank for 7 hours, and got obliterated. He then went to his car, which was parked by my job, and slept until I was done. Of course, he fell asleep really soundly and didn't hear me banging on the car to unlock it when I came out when I was done, and only woke up after me hysterically screaming, banging on the car, and pulling on the handle, which I ripped off. A guy getting into his car with his friends started making fun of me (I probably looked like a crazy woman), which in my state I did not react kindly to. I started screaming obscenities at him, and flicking him off, and for good measure decided to chuck the car door handle that I had just ripped off at him, which hit him in the head. I was still in the process of yelling and flicking him off when I realized that I had just served him about 20 minutes prior. He yelled something about calling my job the next day and reporting my behavior, which just to be clear fires people for less. I really hope I have a job tomorrow.
Edit: OK guys lets get it straight, this is "Today I Fucked Up" not "Today I did something that I was particularly proud of." I didn't post this because I thought I acted appropriately, I posted it because I acted ridiculously and I thought it was kind of funny. Boyfriend doesn't care about the door handle, it's the third one that's come off, first two were from him.
Also I should mention that when someone who has been drinking too much doesn't wake up for anything, it's pretty scary, which is why I started yelling and banging. That isn't my go-to reaction for everything.
Also I still have a job for now.
Edit 2: Thanks babe for defending my honor lol
Killabyte5: I don't mean to sound like a dick here, but you ripped your boyfriends car door handle off and assaulted a customer with it? I agree that while he probably deserved it, you might have to apologize to him to keep your job. Some people are assholes, and deserve to be *handled* in such a manor, but its not smart to do it where you work.
Also, you might want to offer to pay for the car handle. I used to work at a bar so I know how stressful it can be, but try not to let others get to you too much (: I hope you get to keep your job
evolvearth: I don't care enough about my door handle. I had broken two off, myself. My car is 11 years old and the handles are cheap plastic that haven't taken kindly to 5 years in Florida and the remaining 6 in states with harsh winters.
Also, things she didn't mention here but she told me that may have aided in her frustration was that I'd wake up and look at her only to go back to sleep (I was pretty blitzed). Also, fuck that guy. Any guy who is willing to make fun of someone they know serves them at a bar or restaurant is a moron, anyway, not to mention that I doubt they'd tip very well if they're so willing to openly mock their server. Hell, throwing the car handle at him was nice. Had I not been a drunken mess and had heard him, you better fucking believe cops would have been called after I what I would have done to him. If he's gonna be a little bitch, at least I would have given him a good reason to be.
Killabyte5: "That guy is laughing at my girlfriend who is kind of acting like a lunatic right now. I better go kick his ass, that'll show him!"
Yeah, dude. You two sound perfect for each other
evolvearth: Laughing and making fun of someone within earshot comes with some consequences. A handle to the face is one of them. For us troglodytes, something more severe would be more appropriate.
Fortunately for the world, you and the other redditors on this thread take the moral highground in these situations. It has nothing to do with a possible fear of confrontation or oblivious hypocrisy.
Killabyte5: Maybe i'm just not insecure. I don't go around punching faces for petty things such as someone laughing at my disheveled girlfriend. Assholes will continue to be assholes, regardless of confrontation. If its worth some jail time to you, then for all means continue to act like a neanderthal. It really doesn't affect me. Good luck finding some new handles, my friend.
evolvearth: I'm glad. Like I said, we need morally superior people like you around. You're making the world a better place by telling people that they've fucked up. You know, people who post on Today I Fucked Up may be completely oblivious that they fucked up and need to be told that. Without a virtuous person like you telling people who are admitting they've fucked up that they've fucked up, how would they know they fucked up at all?
Killabyte5: To be fair, I didn't say "Wow, you fucked up, if you didn't know."
If you actually read my initial reply, I give a bit of advice and let her know that I hope she keeps her job. But ok bud, you're totally right on this one.
evolvearth: I know you did it in good faith, and I'm just ribbing on you, and the thing about the handle could have been good advice if I did care about it. The rest of what you've mentioned is a no brainer to someone who admits fault in a situation, right? Your heart may be in the right place, but it's condescending and I hope you don't actually do this offline. It is entirely possible that people can learn from their mistakes on their own.
Killabyte5: Im going to toss my opinion out there on a website where im pretty much encouraged to do so.
evolvearth: Nobody is encouraging you to give advice. Just because you can leave a comment doesn't mean it's always appropriate to do so. You know, it's the same rules that apply to real life, but you don't do it because it'd piss people off.
Killabyte5: I would have said the same if it were real life
evolvearth: "Hey, Killabyte5! I gotta tell you an amusing story about how I really dropped the ball the other day! *story goes here*"
"I don't like to be the person to bring it up, random friend, but did you know you dropped the ball? You should really do XY and Z to rectify it and make sure never to do that again."
You sound about as fun as attending a wake.
Killabyte5: Im really not to worried about what you think of me, but ok bud
evolvearth: You were worried enough to carry the conversation this far.
Killabyte5: Just because im responding does not mean I care what you think. Don't flatter yourself
evolvearth: Then I'm completely baffled why you'd keep responding.
Killabyte5: Why not?
evolvearth: Presumably, because you have better things to do with your time than waste it on an argument you don't care about.
Killabyte5: Im not really trying to argue with you here. You are the one who responded to me, not the other way around, when I wasn't even addressing you.
evolvearth: If that's the case, then I'll stop because this is really boring and I imagine that feeling is mutual. Toodles
I_Rob_The_Homeless: This was a long argument, but I read it to completion, I'm not sure what I learned, but I like it, I was like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object.
| 22 | 4.363636 | |
1411200737 | 1411248851 | t3_2gxpsg | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to an ex that I should have never spoken to again.
So, I've been lurking on reddit for a while now, and have read a bunch of TIFUs and thought, "wow, I'll never post here." Well, tonight will be the instance where I eat those words.
To give a little back story, I was in love with this girl from back home. We started dating when I was a senior and she was a junior in high school. I promised her that I would love her in college (and I really felt that way too, that I would love her and she would be my only). My freshman year of college was rough, but she usually stayed by my side and would send me love from back home. Until the end of the year, when she became more distant and cold. She would hardly see me when I was home for the summer, and my brother found out that she was cheating on me. To make a long story short, she broke up with me because "she wanted to be single in college," and that "other people could help me grow as an individual." I was heart broken.
Fast forward to tonight. Despite being a college student, I wasn't out partying and drinking (although I now wish I had picked up on those invitations). As I was going to bed, she texted me. Suddenly, a flood of emotions came over me. Bitter hatred and a melancholic longing for the past were the biggest ones. I texted her back.
She was drunk. And on my campus. She told me how she almost cried when she saw me on campus (through a stroke of fucking luck that I will curse until the day I die). She was also practically throwing her guts up because she's not a good drinker. Of course, I'm a nervous person by nature, and this sent me into practically convulsions. My emotions were getting the best of me, and I was uncontrollably shaking with tears in my eyes.
Why these emotions came over me, I'm not quite sure. But I can't sleep, I can't eat, everything right now just seems pointless and forlorn. I had a good friend that pointed out that this will heal over time, and everything will be fine. I know this, yet it still stings like hell. Why the fuck did I text back? Why did I not just leave my phone or delete the message when I got it?
tl;dr A girl loves me, then breaks up with me after cheating on me, then destroys my emotions while drunk.
blackyezzuz: Block your emotions....
I do it all the time
L0rdR1ch4rd1317: Teach me your ways, o great and powerful yezzuz, for I am a simple boy.
lolatu54: Has no one ever told you about the box? As a man, all strong emotions must be put inside the box. Wrap it with chains and bury it deep within your soul. Over the bitter, alcohol soaked years the box becomes like an overstuffed suitcase, bursting at the seams. Real men can never show or truly feel emotion. Encase that box in concrete and hope it never bursts, for if it does it will explode into a maniacal, violent, unholy, destructive rampage against all that is good and right in this world.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1411196907 | 1411219849 | t3_2gxmik | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By calling my adopted friend an Orphan
----- = her name
++++ = my name
In College class, I have this very pretty latina with such a great body, great personality, and beautiful eyes.
[How I kind of felt with talking to her or being in her presence]
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JT5AQIlmM0I)
This girl is really cute, hazel eyes, goody two shoes, and smart. She is adopted (age 19), and still lives with her parents for the time being before going to graduate school. Anyways, we were in the class we have together and her friend is like "oooo ---- is checking you out!" and I am like "oh well then you are pretty pervy aren't ya -----". ----- says "No i am not! ++++, I wouldn't check out a guy like you! I have higher standards than that"
*I thought at this point, shit i got rekt first time i have heard you talk back after all i had this kind of mean talk-back personality with her, not good i feel like a jerk*
I reply with "Oh its okay, I didn't like you anyways", this is when the^mess^up^begins
I still hate myself internally for it.
I literally see some sort of hurt emotion or anger in her eye. ----- says "what? what is your problem, that was not even apart of the conversation!" and I respond with "No I like you! But not as in we relationship wise", ----- says "Oh okay, I understand I do not like you either, you are lame anyways loser!" and she smiles.
I reply with "Same, I do not like orphans".... I do not know why this came out honestly; I just remember recalling orphan jokes that i thought were funny on /r/meanjokes... and jesus I feel a total jerk. She does not talk to me anymore, but sometimes smiles to me. I am pretty sure she is sad about that, but not only did I mess up, I am positive that I cockblocked myself too. She hangs out with her friends, but i know i have to apologize.
TL;DR: Told hot adopted girl I don't like orphans because of mean jokes that I recalled during class. Now she will not talk to me at all.
L0rdR1ch4rd1317: You HAVE to apologize and make amends. Don't let something like a hot girl slide by just because you said one insensitive joke. Just tell her what's up, none of this hiding bullshit.
[deleted]: Of course I am, Its a terrible thing overall for saying this, I also stopped going on /r/meansjokes as well.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411203106 | 1411203736 | t3_2gxrmh | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating ALL the wasabi peas.
About an hour ago I was sitting on the couch lurking on Reddit, bowl of wasabi peas in hand, minding my own business. Then my roommate walked in and asked if I was ready to leave, as he was carpooling me to class. I still had a shit tonne of peas left, so I decided to pour them in my mouth to finish them off.
I don't know how many of you have ever overdosed on Wasabi peas, but it's not nice. I spit them all over the floor, but there's still heaps stuck in my throat. I feel like a dragon; spitting hot flames out my nose. My eyes feel the heat of a million Suns. My roommate was yelling his head of, before he came to his senses and brang me a carton of milk.
So now here I am, an hour later, with a splitting headache and 6 cartons of milk at my feet, skipping class. Yes I'm an idiot.
TLDR: Read it you lazy fuck.
Edit: Two hours later, I'm sitting back on the couch, doing some home work, and I feel hungry. All we have is bread, milk, oats and Wasabi peas (yeah we're poor students). And wasabi peas are cheap as shit. So, being the stubborn idiot I am, I get myself another bowl of peas. I raise the first into my mouth, and my body instantly rejects it, throwing up the three litres of milk I drank earlier. About 2 minutes later my roommate comes in. Reddit, I'm a fucking idiot.
Edit 2: My roommate just threw out all the wasabi peas! Like, we bulk ordered all of them online. We've only had them since Monday! I guess it's for the greater good anyway; I probably would've ended up killing myself by the end of the weekend.
[deleted]: Wait until you have to take a shit
[deleted]: Oh god... Why did you have to say that
[deleted]: lol, I'm sorry. I meant it as a joke, I truly did. You have my sympathies.
| 4 | 8 | |
1411200479 | 1411281171 | t3_2gxpkx | t5_2to41 | 236 | bootsandpearls: TIFU by congratulating my co-worker on her non-existent pregnancy.
I started a new job three weeks ago. Today I walked into the break room to find my co-worker sitting down at the table casually scrolling through Instagram on her lunch break. I sat down across from her and we began to discuss the "cute things" on her Instagram feed when she suddenly showed me a picture of her expectant sister's "adorable nursery" to which I replied, "How wonderful that you will be able to raise your babies together with them being so close in age. Have you thought about your nursery theme?" She suddenly got a perplexed look on her face and I immediately turned red from embarrassment. Once she realized what I was proposing she gave me a disgusted look and I awkwardly exited the room like an idiot. For the past three weeks I have definitely thought she was "expecting"... Oops.
Durbee: Oh, man, I feel for you. You have broken one of those life rules you just don't break - assuming a pregnancy. I hate it happened in your workplace, because this could be incredibly awkward.
Just as you can never assume a pregnancy, you also can never properly apologize for your mistake without making it worse.
TheThinMan34: I always assume they are just fat. That way, I can never make that mistake.
sarochka: It's also offensive when they are pregnant and find out you just think they are fat.
You can't win, really.
thepeff: A few years ago I started a new office job. I was given a tour and introduced to the other workers, pretty standard stuff.
I was introduced to a woman who mentioned that she was going to be leaving in a few weeks. I asked why (I thought maybe she'd got a new job or a promotion or something) and she looked at me like I was an idiot and said she was going on maternity leave.
You absolutely can't win.
thesnugglypuppies: That's when you respond with a smooth, "Oh, you look so great, I figured you couldn't possibly be so far along!" Doesn't fix it, but it makes it less bad.
I_Rob_The_Homeless: Dude, you are a wordsmith. That is beyond perfect.
| 7 | 33.714286 | |
1411204029 | 1411235185 | t3_2gxscz | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by not looking in the mirror before I left home.
So luckily I didn't walk around like this for long. I had just walked ourside to check my mailbox. Regular stuff. I usually take the the elevator but I'm doing a bit of a marathon next week so I figured I'll take the stairs. I should have taken the elevator because it had a mirror. So I casually jog to the mailbox and I notice people looking at me. I disregarded it as I figured they were just amused by my unnaturally colored hair. I reach the mailbox grab my letters and then see this cute dude who lives four floors above where I live. Trying to play it cool I go 'Hey, whats up?' And this dude is all like 'Hey, not much, whats with your face'. I get really pissed and go 'Got a problem with it'. I get pissed and tend to react really quickly. Then he goes 'Well its just that its white'. I quickly touch.my face and notice this white goop on my fingers and remember that I had put some face thing on early up on my mom insistence and completely forgotten about it ( I don't even know how I could forget ). I am so fucking forgetful. Anyways I laugh it off and jog (which later turn into a run) back home. And eat potato. No sadness can't be fixed with potato.
apaatsio: > some face thing
Too vague!
blahblehgu: Its vague because I don't know. O.o
[deleted]: Your face is covered in some random white goop that you know (apparently) nothing about and you eat potatoes as comfort food. You are weird.
blahblehgu: The awesome kind though right?
[deleted]: Well, I suppose....
blahblehgu: :D
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1411201508 | 1411244802 | t3_2gxqen | t5_2to41 | 32 | jaykyungsoo: TIFU when I knew that I was wasting money for two months after my "Free Trial"
TIFU
I was totally shocked. I couldn't even think. I just want to let this out and I immediately thought of this.
So today, I was checking my bank accounts summary online. I really do not usually do this, but something tells me that I should really do this today (perhaps, which is why I f*cked up bigtime)
So, the horror began when I saw that I literally wasted 38 USD (19USD per month) on an educational site that I haven't really used. I actually received a free trial and thought, why not? I could use some new knowledge and decided to try it out. But unfortunately, I never realized that I'll be very busy with real life and totally forgot that I have my free trial still going on.
So to cut the story short, my free trial began, ended in one month and since I didn't "cancel" my subscription, the system that is connected to my card is getting money without my knowledge, while I continue my life and work so I can save for my future.
I am aware though that when I received my Free Trial Welcome email, they told me that after my Free Trial, regular subscription rates will apply. I just hoped that they reminded me that my trial is about to expire and to ask if I want to continue it or nor. It's rather standard for customer relations, isn't it? (I browsed every email on my inbox but I really didn't see a message or something regarding that)
38 USD may seem fairly small to some, but for someone like me who is living in a third world country and with wages so low, 38 USD is something that you can really use for your living. I mean, it's really a big help.
I contacted the team though and I am still hopping for their reply. But yeah, here's to hoping that I can get a full refund.
But really, i now felt this for the first time -> TIFU. Bear with me guys. I just want to let this out.
\**sigh*\*
Well, with what ever things may happen after this, for sure, I'll grow with it and will let charge it to experience for sure.
suffer-cait: General rule, skip on trials that need payment information.
jaykyungsoo: Will definitely keep that in mind, thanks bro! ;)
suffer-cait: Not a bro
ILiveForMusic: We're all bros here.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1411206504 | 1411285126 | t3_2gxubm | t5_2to41 | 83 | chllnpart: TIFU by using the wrong lotion...NSFW-ish
So I broke my back a while ago, and one of the medications I was given was a compound lotion containing Ketamine, Lidocaine, and another medication that I can't remember at the moment. I also have insomnia which can be overcome (occasionally) by some "me time". You guessed it, I grabbed the wrong bottle of lotion and just spent the past four hours using numbing cream on my junk... After the first 10 minutes, I mentally decided to finish what I started because nobody likes a quitter. Four hours later and I won the battle. Sadly, though, I've lost the war, since my junk looks like I took a hammer to it. I'm taking comfort in the fact that I can't feel the pain, but am dreading the moment when the medication wears off...
TL;DR: Beat my junk like it owed me money for four hours because I used numbing lotion instead of anything else on hand.
cyvaris: Clearly I need some of this lotion. My girlfriend would...uhh appreciate the extra endurance.
Evilkill78: She won't, she won't feel anything
Xiexe: * rub it on
* wait 10 minutes
* wipe excess off
* ????
* profit.
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1411209917 | 1411285005 | t3_2gxx9w | t5_2to41 | 3 | Rastamousa: TIFU by insulting rather overweight friend
Yeah so this is my first post on reddit.
This happened a few weeks ago.
So at our school we have cooking as subject, it is amazing.
We cook obviously in the kitchen and we work together and stuff, and we all have a partner to cook with, and that partner for me is my friend (let's call him Bill) and Bill is fairly overweight, and quite immature.
So one day we were just making these chicken burgers and he got a bigger piece of chicken than me, so he could not resist saying: "Haha, my piece of chicken is bigger than yours, just like something else.." And without thinking I blurted out: "Like what? Your body fat percentage?" The silence was deafening afterwards in the kitchen because everyone heard and some people then went like: "Oh burn." We are still friends and laugh about it sometimes.
IFightPolarBears: So how did you fuck up...?
Rastamousa: By pretty much calling him fat :P Not a big fuck up but I just wanted to post something I guess XD
| 3 | 1 | |
1411210966 | 1411216866 | t3_2gxy48 | t5_2to41 | 13 | MagisterD: TIFU by asking about a particular women's fantasy.
This was about 8 years ago. At the time I was 42 years old and had been lucky enough to live out just about everything on my fantasy bucket list. I enjoy enacting fantasies, exploring, ~~corrupting~~ introducing women to new things, etc. It's an arduous task but a service that I'll provide to women everywhere. :) I had been looking up lists of women's fantasies to get some ideas to bring up with my FWB's and see if they had a fantasy or 3 of their own that they'd want to do. To research this I Googled 'Top 10 Women's Fantasy'. I got a lot of hits. Most of the top 50 or so hits were to various women's magazines. One of the top 3 fantasies in every list was to be 'Raped by significant other'. I didn't understand what the appeal to this fantasy would be so I made the grievous mistake of asking others. At the time I had an account on the PlentyOfFish (POF) dating website. POF had a chat section with an 'Ask Women' topic so I posted my question there. I posted the above info and asked if any the women could explain this particular fantasy to me. O...M...G...what a mistake. The Femanazi brigade promptly attacked **IN FORCE**. The first response was 'Because that's the only way a woman would touch your tiny dick'.....and then the responses got mean. The Jews had nicer things to say about Hitler. I was a piece of human garbage, a shining example of what's wrong with men everywhere, a wife-beater, a pedophile, was told that my dick was so small that I needed a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers to find it, I got hate-mail on my profile, disparaging comments were left on the profile, my parentage was questioned, my children's children's children were cursed, and then they got really mad. In short, I was called every name in the book and accused of the worst atrocities mankind is capable of. I tried explaining that this wasn't my fantasy, that it was off of numerous lists of fantasies by women, and that this information was in the original post. That just made things worse. After a few days someone asked where I'd gotten my information. I replied that the original post explained this and that I'd even supplied a link to a Google search for "Top Ten Women's Fantasy". I added that this same fantasy was in each of the top 30 or so links. About a week later a couple of women replied with explanations as to what the fantasy meant to them and what they got, or wanted to get, out of it. This didn't stop the attacks though. It took about a month for the furor to die down.
Blackwolf66: That's "feminism" for you. I'm all for equality between genders, but what you experienced is the tumblrinas.
SpeckleDorf9000: And women who think they are royalty and execute you if they give the word.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411209750 | 1411285452 | t3_2gxx5q | t5_2to41 | 6,548 | PDvaughn147: TIFU by not knowing how to do my damn job.
This literally JUST happened. I have time stamps to prove it. And no, I'm not using a throwaway because fuck it all. I'm angry about it. This is also the short version and I'm gonna be leaving out a few technical details.
So I'm a 911 dispatcher. I just started at a new agency in the middle of July. I had three years experience before starting here, so this place decided I don't need any official training. Wellllll.....they're so wrong.
About an hour ago a poor old lady called 911 wanting an ambulance for her husband because he isn't feeling well. No problem. Wait. They're way out in the country where jurisidictions get hinky. Welp. So I'm looking at my map and it's telling me which ambulance I'm supposed to send. Easy right? NOPE. No one EVER showed me how to page that specific crew. Oh, and there's no instructions written ANYWHERE that tells me how. So I guess. I find the "correct" speed dial button on my phone and dial. Problem there is that THE DAMN BUTTON IS MISLABELED! Cool, so they call back and say "Nope. Not our area". Oooookay.
So I try sending the next closest ambulance. They say "hey isn't that [agency]'s territory?". Sure is but I've failed in paging them. Alright well they said they would go. Welllll....by this time it's been 25 minutes. Poor woman calls back and says "husband is feeling better. We're gonna go in the car".
I'm really glad (and lucky) it wasn't something more serious. I could have killed that man.
Edit: Well this blew up way more than I was expecting. Couple things for clarification. I couldn't ask anyone for help, which I'm more than okay with doing, because I was alone. My coworker had too much overtime so they asked her to leave early. I didn't have a chance to say anything about her leaving and I don't think it was up for debate. She was told by higher ups that she had to.
Yes, my CAD system told me which ambulance to send. That wasn't the issue. The issue was the mislabeled button and not knowing how to contact anyone after that. I did eventually figure it out after the call was complete after searching through about eight different radio tabs. I know there are no written SOP's at this agency, but that doesn't mean I quit trying.
So yes, Reddit. Today *I* fucked up. I take full responsibility for the whole situation. I can say it was lack of training and no written SOPs (which is still an issue) but in reality I should have been able to figure it out a lot sooner than I did.
prayformojo22: Sounds like your employer fucked up. Unless when asked if you need training you gave him incredulous eyes, peered over the top of your glasses and said "Really??"
PDvaughn147: I wasn't asked if I needed training. They just go "you know what you're doing". Suuuure.
prayformojo22: "Training? Oh God Damn, PDVaughn, it's a fucking phone. *Ring ring, hello??* Got it?? Now do that for 12 fucking hours."
peilthetraveler: Hey, then you should go be a computer programmer. After all...programming is just pushing a bunch of letters, numbers and characters on a keyboard, right?
MountainousGoat: I don't see why not. You can work the keyboard, you'll figure the rest out eventually.
Biffingston: An infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of keyboards will eventually program the best game ever?
Eternal_Nocturne: Technically, if you hook up the keyboard to a (truly) random number generator, you don't even need the monkeys.
Biffingston: Isn't there no such thing as a truly random computer generated number though?
Eternal_Nocturne: Depends on what you mean. Is it currently possible to program a computer to generate random numbers? No. Can we hook it up to something that can, like a receiver scanning background radiation. (not 100% random IIRC, but you're probably not going to notice for a couple million years)
Also I'd argue that a computer program trying to be random (even if not even close to true randomness) would be much more random than a bunch of monkeys, if you're taking it literally.
Biffingston: Well I suppose that it's like playing D&D.. the dice in D&D may or may not be "true random" but I suppose they'd really be "random enough." You know what I mean?
Eternal_Nocturne: I suppose so, although I wouldn't consider myself enough of an authority on the issue to want that to be quoted anywhere.
| 12 | 545.666667 | |
1411213638 | 1411230515 | t3_2gy0ho | t5_2to41 | 13 | cheese2x: TIFU by calling my girlfriend after her work
So I am just waiting around for my girlfriend to finish work at 6pm. So around half passed six she called me, a little late than usual but never mind. So we were talking on the phone, I asked her why she’s a little late, she told me she went to the grocery to get a few items. Holright, fine with me, buying groceries, but wait... She told me she went with a guy he just met. What? So I asked her more about this guy she just met, she told me that he came when she’s working to look for a job. And this guy, this fucking guy claiming he’s from the same college as us asked my girlfriend for her number where my girlfriend obliviously gave.
Sounds still fine with me until after work she went grocery shopping, this guy pops up again telling my girlfriend he forgotten to buy some groceries and wants to accompany my girlfriend to the grocery. My girlfriend did not refuse and went with him to buy some groceries before going seperate ways. Then my girlfriend went to McDonalds to get dinner and called me to tell me all these stories… Until I heard my girlfriend said in a low tone voice “ Eh, he’s still here” then just goes “ Hey RandomGuysName, not heading back yet? Why are you sitting there alone, come sit with me!” At this moment my heart sank, my head went total blank and was just lying on my bed thinking I’m so done, so fucking done.
But wait, there’s more, she even said “I’m eating your French fries!” She had totally forgotten that we’re on the phone for the moment and until she said “ Hello , Hello cheese2x” where I promptly replied “Hello…” She then tells me she’s hanging up and I just told her OK, before she replied anything I hung out. Never had in my life of 6 months dating her where I hung up first and not saying I love you, yadda, yadda, yadda. I had just put my phone away. You like flirting so much until you forget you are on a phone call with your boyfriend, then go ahead, flirt as much as you want.
Now I’m sitting here staring at my computer don’t know what to do, some might say I’m over-reacting. But I promise you, I had keep up to her shit far way much, when going out on date, she always say she wants to keep to the standard, where I usually says don’t have to expose so much, I don’t like people looking at my girlfriend. To be honest I am so done, I had sacrificed my time to play Dota 2 with my friends for the pass months, until my buddy had given up on contacting me for games. And when she say she get jealous when she saw me teaching other girl in studies, which I apologize too and had not been teaching any girl for this semester.
She'll be my ex? Will update
UPDATE: Well she called me and we had a talk. She said I was over-reacting and she don't trust me no more. Welp there goes my first relationship. Back to dota... And still have to face her for 2 more years in my course, I guess it'll just do then.
Traspen: Would you happen to be a non-english speaker? Reading this post is akin to trudging through mud. I would like to think that American colleges would teach proper grammar, spelling and punctuation.
Aside from that, chill out dude! Women are usually friendly with people they believe they have a "connection" to. If I were you I'd be more concerned with HER safety because it seems like this "RandomGuysName" has taken an almost stalker-ish interest in your girl.
cheese2x: Yeah! I am sorry I'm a non-english speaker with just a marginal pass in college in english!
No worries about her safety, she got home and still texted me even though I did not reply a single one of them.. YET
A6289W922: Well I think it was pretty damn good for someone who is not a native English speaker. Far better than a lot of Redditors whose *only* language is English.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1411215855 | 1411216599 | t3_2gy2qr | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my girlfriend I love her
Just for clarification purposes, this is a long distance relationship and we only see each other every 2 weeks or so, however we do Skype every single night.
We had been seeing each other for about a month so far. And last night, as we were ending a Skype call, we were both tired and talking to each other sensually and quietly. I had been really tired and I was feeling very lovesick from conversations prior to this. I felt like for some damn reason, I just had to get it out. When we ended the Skype call, I quickly said "Love you." Part of me meant it the other part wasn't sure because it was tired. Then soon after that, we keep texting each other in bed and start talking about the fact I said this. She didn't seem upset but said it was a huge step. So then I texted her "At this point I don't care if you feel the same way back, I just had to get it out." So then she stops answering and I assume she just fell asleep. So now I'm here at 8 in the morning, hoping she'll text me back or something. I know, I'm a huge pussy and dumbass for trying to be quick about it in the first place. She is my first girlfriend and I fear I may have already ruined our relationship.
Tl;dr I'm a pussy and said I love you really quickly at the end of a Skype call and now I'm lying in bed hoping our relationship is still in tact.
Update: she's not upset and our relationship is still in tact.
Vajulator: I'm no relationship expert, but I'd say you're mistake was saying you don't care if she loves you back. If you love her, you would care how she feels about you, am I right?
CheeseWillEatUs: I had a feeling I'd messed up even more by saying that.
henker92: I do not think this was a fuck up when you said you love her. However this text was a perfect way to be misunderstood.
In my opinion, you could arrange things by explaining what you meant, something along the line "I did not want to say I don't care if you love me, I wanted to say that's okay if you do not say it back right now, you can take your time". If you both care for each other this is not something that should break your relationship !
| 4 | 2 | |
1411210514 | 1411312243 | t3_2gxxqh | t5_2to41 | 16 | AndSoWeGo: TIFU by eating a delicious breakfast
I've been lurking around here for a while and finally decided to post. This happened last fall/winter. It's a longish story, but hopefully you guys will get a kick out of it.
My husband and I were staying at my in-laws because were going hunting in the morning. I woke up feeling optimistic, "Today is the day we get a hog" and all that. My stomach was feeling a bit queasy from the previous night, but I figured it would go away. My mom-in-law made some delicious sausage and cheese sandwiches, which I initially avoided because I don't tolerate lots of grease and oil well, but I couldn't find anything else. I was also incredibly tired, so I drank a cup of coffee (which I don't usually have... ever.)
We set off on the hour and a half drive, and I was still feeling pretty good about the day. My stomach started gurgling a little but since my digestive system is a wreck normally I just ignored it. My discomfort had increased a bit by the time we got there, but I'm a pro at holding my poops so I continued ignoring my gut. We met up with my brother and started hiking in, about two or three miles.
It was a chilly morning and had rained the previous night, so my clothes quickly became saturated with moisture. Nevertheless, I started sweating profusely and had to remove my jacket. My stomach was making increasingly disturbing noises and I'm certain I was scaring game away. Several times I came close to vomiting, but the cool air helped keep everything down. We kept stopping and the guys kept asking if I wanted to go do my business or head back to the car, but I got this insane notion that I could will myself an iron gut and we'd get a hog and the day would be perfect and wonderful. Like hell I was going to ruin it for everyone.
Finally we reached the area we were going to hunt in, and I was glad of it. Very glad. But my stomach was having none of it, and a noxious gas cloud pummeled its way out of my sphincter and brought along with it a battalion of BM. That remains the one and only time I have sharted. I realize I can no longer control my bowels and if I do not go *at this very second* I will shit my pants.
At this point I don't give a crap about scaring the game and run off into the brush trying to find a place to lean against. Squatting isn't an option, not for this monster. What are the only things around? Freaking mesquite trees and grass up to my crotch. But I have no choice. I run to one, get several spikes in my back, yank down my pants, and cry as the acid slushie shoots out my butthole, burning everything it touches. At last the malestrom is over. A miasma has settled over the land. There will be no hog today. However, the battle is not yet won. I still need to wipe, I can feel the acid eating into my buttcheeks. I glance around for a savior leaf, but alas, they are all decaying or soaking wet and stuck in mud. Finally I spot it, a strange, green fruit that looks like a brain and is about the size of an orange. I pray that it doesn't have a bunch of bugs in it and waddle over, wiping furiously. The strange texture is perfect, and I use another to clean my underwear as much as possible. The acid is still painful, but not as bad.
After waiting an hour or two with no luck, we hiked back, and drove home with the windows down.
Blaze_amazing: What was this mystical 'natures baby-wipe' plant?
AndSoWeGo: It was an osage orange, lucky for me it has natural insect-repelling properties. Too bad it was so large or it would have worked much better. Still, when this is your only option it's pretty dang good :)
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4a/Osage_orange_1.jpg
Blaze_amazing: It looks like a loofa... Thanks dude!
| 4 | 4 | |
1411216769 | 1411264064 | t3_2gy3nh | t5_2to41 | 20 | pydmph: TIFU by punching a racist in the face
Cast of characters:
**ME** – 16-year-old mixed race girl.
**MY FRIEND** – 16-year-old white guy. Very introverted and nice, but comes from a family that isn’t exactly known for their racial tolerance and law-abiding nature. However, his dad has basically reformed.
**MY COUSIN** – 18-year-old guy who is kind of a douche. He has a little bit of a temper. He and I mostly hate each other, but we’re also family.
**DICKHEAD** – A 16-year-old guy known for being a massive asshole to my friend and sometimes me and the rest of my family.
So my friend and I were walking around at lunch and minding our own business when I hear Dickhead say something to one of his friends about how my friend’s parents must hate my [racial slur] mom. I walked right up to him and told him to say it again. One of his minions made a joke about my friend needing his “girlfriend” to take care of him, and prompting Dickhead to make a joke about race mixing.
I just fucking lost it.
I literally tackled him and pinned him to the ground. I’m not that strong, but I think I caught him by surprise. I hit/punched him like 4 times, and he was trying to defend himself but I was definitely winning.
But then my cousin showed up and yanked me off Dickhead. My cousin was kind of focused on me and gearing up for a “What the fuck is wrong with you?” mini-lecture when Dickhead (literally while wiping blood off his face) called me a “crazy [racial slur] bitch.”
By the time I processed what Dickhead had just called me, my cousin had already let go off me and had backed Dickhead against a wall and gotten right up in his face. He told him to shut his fucking mouth, and then punched him in the face so hard that the back of his head hit the wall. My cousin kind of threatens him and tells him never to fuck with me again. And then he punched him again.
At that point, someone showed up and dragged all three of us to the main office.
Then my uncle showed up on behalf of all four parents. My uncle is one of those people who is really really calm until you really really really piss him off. And my cousin happens to be very good at pissing his dad off.
My uncle starts off with this kind of sarcastic/disbelieving tone, but it takes literally 2 minutes for him and my cousin to start getting into this huge thing about my cousin having zero self-control and my cousin constantly thinking that his life was so fucking terrible.
And then my uncle said something to me about how my mom had enough to worry about right now (which is true) and I said something sarcastic back. So he tells me to grow up and realize that the world didn’t revolve around me and I can’t just go punching people just because they’re assholes. Honestly, he’s never gotten pissed at me like that before so it was kind of fucking scary.
And as if I needed any more drama, I got into a fight with my other cousin (who is basically my best friend) because she was openly glad her brother got in trouble and I was pissed. So my closest friend isn't speaking to me, and my other closest friend is feeling super guilty and embarrassed.
So now I’m basically in trouble with everyone, including my dad (which almost never happens). And my mom is kind of a wreck and feeling really guilty.
imacyber: At least you got some good hits on Dickhead. Although sounds like he still needs some more educating...
SilentOneBravo: education can be delivered in many ways, like the new fist delivery system.
learath: New? Did you just design a mecha-racist-punching-fist?
SilentOneBravo: I wish I did. But it still relies on y'olde biceps and triceps
| 5 | 4 | |
1411217191 | 1411366976 | t3_2gy41v | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU almost sleeping with my best friend.
Well today I fucked up. .. me and my best friend just grinded each other till she came and then she fell asleep. .. im a male and yes we were drinking and she started it.... q/a?
Shelby71: She's your best friend, do you want to take it further? Because she obviously does...
Oh, and just because you didn't cum, it doesn't mean you didn't just sleep together in a limited fashion.
JlmanlG: Idk if I want to take it further... because we also kinda work together too and I don't normally like to shit where I eat lol
Shelby71: That's understandable. But don't you think that after last night, the eat/shit train has left the station?
JlmanlG: Ummm well yes I would have to say I totally agree... unless she was too drunk to remember..? I mean we were both shit faced
Shelby71: Have you ever been so drunk that you can't remember an orgasm?
Yeah. Me neither.
JlmanlG: Touche salesman touche
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1411218773 | 1411315779 | t3_2gy5o0 | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking out loud
So we were having biology class and the main topic was sexual reproduction. Like always our class idiot asked a dumb question: "Isn't masturbating murder, because you kill millions of potential children?" The teacher kept calm and told him that a sperm cell isn't a potential child without fusing with an egg cell and that a sperm cell lives only 6 days at a max anyway. Personally, I really hate our class idiot (cause he likes to annoy me or throw my food on the ground) and try to point out that he is stupid whenever there is a chance. So I was about to say something like "You're killing something that lives 6 days at a max, if you feel bad about it you're retarded." And as I was speaking I thought of something that's really wrong that I shouldn't speak out loud. Suddenly everyone started laughing and telling me I am a horrible human being. That's when I realized that I had thought out loud and actually said **"You're killing something that lives 6 days at a max, that's like killing an African baby, dude."**
Now the whole school thinks I'm a racist. I guess I kinda am...
*Sorry African people for not being able to keep dumb comments for myself*
masonery123: Oh god I laughed so hard. Just let the whole school know you stand by it. Or just say you were joking and lol it off.
But really. It's your opinion, if you are racist I may not agree with you but I can accept it. Maybe others will too.
LeagueofHeliox: I am neither racist nor is this my opinion :)
When I said I guess I am racist I meant that even though I don't have anything against any race, there is still a little racist inside me that made me think/say such a thing.Though I have to admit that I have a really dark humour.
TheAverageTIFU: That isn't racism. That is called cultural/racial profiling.
totallynot14_: is.. isn't that racism?
TheAverageTIFU: Racism is the belief that a specific race is either superior or inferior to another race.
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1411221560 | 1411307684 | t3_2gy8v0 | t5_2to41 | 271 | Charlatan_Cosmonaut: TIFU ...OK So it wasn't today but apparently I cost Toyota about £20 million once ....
Was working as quality control at the Toyota factory in England, I worked in the welding stage, testing the strength of the welds on every so many cars to see everything was staying together.
My training should have been 6 weeks of watching 2 people do this job as there are thousands of welds on the vehicle and about 10 diff models all with different checks
Well after 2 weeks with one guy sort of showing me the ropes I was just doing the job. had to memorise each weld on the car
Hit hit miss miss miss miss hit miss miss hit hit etc etc
Well ... I missed some of the delta S welds these are the most important welds that keep the structure together if one is not right then ,,, the car would not be safe at all
By the time it had been noticed a few hundred cars had gone through the shop and carried on all the way to the final shop just before they drive the completed car off.
The factory had to be shut down and basically put into reverse, my manager came down on me like a sack of shit telling me id really fucked up and cost the company about 20 million, at which point my union rep came in and ripped my boss a new arsehole explaining that I hadn't had the correct training at all and it was his fault.
Where he got the figure I dont know but im guessing it came down from his bosses via his ass ripping
:S
Sorry Toyota
colintheking: Let this be a lesson to any company out there that provides "training" but does a half ass job of doing it. I have been wrongly trained before.... not $20,000,000 worth of bad training... but still.
A6289W922: 20 million *pounds sterling*. So more like $40,000,000.
colintheking: Even worse :p
boardrfolife: *wourse FTFY
| 5 | 54.2 | |
1411221842 | 1411273902 | t3_2gy973 | t5_2to41 | 10 | neontiger07: TIFU by sending my mother a text message asking for $70 dollars worth of pot
So here is a bit of backstory: a few months ago after losing my job, and, consequentially, my place to live, I called my mother up to see what assistance she would be willing to provide me. She suggested I move an hour and a half away to live with my sister, and offered to help provide me with funds so I wouldn't mooch off of my sister, and so I would have a little financial stability. So I moved cities, and, within a couple of months, I found a job at my local Wally World. My mother continued to provide me money when needed, because she's rich and understands the vast gap between our incomes. Anyhow, a few days ago I ran out of gas and desperately wanted a gram of weed, so I decided to ask my mother for some money. She complied, and the money was transferred yesterday morning. A preface to this next bit: my mother's phone number is strikingly similar to my sisters. Two digits off in the same spot towards the end. Anyway, as soon as I learned of the income, I sprung my phone out during break at work and furiously began texting my sister to "leave me some pot by my tv", since she's so resourceful and whatnot. Fast forward to me coming home: I get out of my car and cozy up to my couch, finally ready to relax and and relieve some of this stress, when, as soon as I'm about to spark my bowl up, my mother sends me this message:
"Neontiger07, I got a message from you last night asking your sister for pot, and I have withdrawn the $150 from your account. I will not be giving you any more and will take the rest of your money if you do not call me back". FML
EDIT: Okay, I skipped something big here: I sent my sister a text message asking for a "nugget of green" and that I would leave her $70, as I owed her an extra $50 and she had been expecting it for a few days. So the text my mother got looked as though I was asking for a $70 nugget of weed.
Dinnerz58: Whilst I firmly believe it's up to the individual to decide what they put in their body, that should only be the case if they can afford it. If I knew money I'd given out had been spent on drugs, you can be sure it wouldn't happen again.
neontiger07: While you have a valid point and it was wrong for me to lie to my mother, the majority of the money was actually going towards what she gave it to me for. Granted, I did deviate from the plan a bit (which was to only spend the money on food and gas), but I don't believe what action she took was called for. Nonetheless, I did apologize to her, and I refuse to take the money back if she offers. But she probably won't.
ProfessorWhom: You know you'd take that money back OP.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411222999 | 1411272714 | t3_2gyao0 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Fuckedupagain08: TIFU by forgetting how to date.
Last night I took the leap. I went on my first date in months.
•
We met online. Didn't talk much before hand. He asked to meet me at 7pm Friday night. No, 9:30pm would be better for me. He agreed.
•
Things you should know:
-I'm kinky. Like really, really world consuming kinky. So I didn't understand how little else I really hand to talk to strangers about.
-I've been sick for two weeks and haven't been drinking.
-I'm changing my birth control and my entire cycle to prevent all periods. So my hormones are jacked the fuck up
-I'm typically an introvert, though few people tend to believe me. I am working on a person initiative to be less defensive toward people and more out going.
-Lastly... I forgot to eat.
•
So... 9:30pm we're at a local brewery everything is going swimmingly. I say stupid inappropriate things that lead into my kinkiness. He tells me awesome stories, he has a daughter, and seems incredibly well adjusted and I'm into it. But I'm holding back.... I don't want to come off as a complete pervert and weirdo.
•
First meeting someone it isn't typically good to say, "Hi! I'm kinky. I like to get tied up and kicked in the legs until I scream bloody murder. And I like to do it to other people, too!" :D
•
He pays... Which I'm not happy about. We leave. To the bar! I keep trying to pay, cover or drinks... He isn't having it. I'm really uneasy about it. We're at the very crowded bar that in very loud. I'm apparently noticeably uncomfortable and he asks about it. I'm forcing myself to settle in. He is just talking to strangers. Which is fine... I back out of the conversation. I'm unconsciously reaching in my purse to hold the piece of rope I keep. He jokes that I'm going to pull out a gun, I laugh awkwardly and keep my mouth shut about the rope.
•
I'm having a good time with him, but I'm in an uncomfortable place with my surroundings. And then I realize, I'm drunk. No food, no drinking for the last couple of weeks... I'm drunk. Super light weight drunk.
•
When a stranger strikes up a conversation that I could normally handle in a heartbeat... I flop. I bailed.
•
Literally left the guy at the bar alone. I texted him from outside and invited him to another bar that I am more comfortable with, but didn't realize he was too drunk to drive. Least he says he was...
•
I fucked up going on my first date in months... I don't know if I can handle this.
•
Tl;dr - Kinky me bailed on a really excellent guy due to social anxiety. I'm a jerk.
eesamanomercy: You need to always be aware of how much alcohol you can handle. Better luck next time. I haven't date in a while too and I will probably fucked up like you :)
Fuckedupagain08: You're very right. It was an honest mistake that I didn't take all of the factors into consideration. Food is super important.
eesamanomercy: btw, what is exactly the "social anxiety" that you mentioned?
Fuckedupagain08: I get really uncomfortable in crowded spaces. I have problems with making eye contact. So I will always pick sitting at a bar over sitting across from someone at a table. My heart races a bit when I get panicy. It's hard to focus and it's hard to sit still. Especially when I'm there with people I don't know well.
eesamanomercy: Ah I see. I get this at interviews. I know how it feels not being able to be yourself
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1411221147 | 1411225494 | t3_2gy8di | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: Tifu by not knowing how to fucking guess
I just took my psychology multiple fucking choice test of 25 fucking multiple choice questions. I didn't know maybe around 8 or 9 of them, so i stripped all the fucking 9 i didn't know into 50/50 shots. I knew it had to be one of two choices on every single one i didn't know. So if i guessed, i would probably get half of them right, right? Maybe end up with 4 or 5 right out of the 8 i didn't know, get an 80% maybe even higher! Well i guessed these 8 questions as good as a possibly could, handed in my test, checked my book to find out EVERY SINGLE ONE i guessed is fucking wrong
I am currently sitting in class with a group of smelly unshowered greasy cunts who can barely speak the english language and the professor goes up to one who looks like a fucking pig and says
"You're so smart! Only one wrong!"
FUCK ME
Fuck my FUCKING LIFE
imacyber: this is me, only with maths.
Darkmusings3: Exactly right.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411224466 | 1411224755 | t3_2gycot | t5_2to41 | 17 | MrFickleFuckinPickle: TIFU by taking laxatives before a night of drinking. (not very NSFW but added it anyway)
So in a last ditch attempt to lose weight before boot camp on Monday I decided to take a bit of laxatives last night, but shortly after that a good friend of mine called me to take me out one last time before I go. So I figured why not, forgotten about the laxative and met him up for some drinks. Well he was insistent that I get drunk and I ended up getting insanely drunk. Well while playing pool in the little bar it hit me and the laxatives kicked in for whatever reason even though I usually have twelve hours before they do. So I ran to the bathroom but didn't make it and of course made my pants smell like the Holocaust with my apparently cancerous liquid shit. We had a cab take us home which was an interesting conversation and once I woke up this morning I had all kinds of things coming out of both ends. So here I am laying in bed with an upset stomach hoping to God the nightmares over.
TL;DR took laxatives to lose weight before getting called to drink, shit myself. Smelled worse than usual. Horrible experience this morning with a headache to boot.
Also it's defecation Saturday!
EddyKurrent: Sounds like you lost some weight, so you have that goin' for ya!
MrFickleFuckinPickle: This is true, although it was a bit more violent than I was hoping
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1411225227 | 1411290736 | t3_2gydoa | t5_2to41 | 5 | panopticona: TIFU by trapping my dog in my kitchen.
This is my dog Cosmo.
http://imgur.com/4dD3SYq
He has been having a lot of stomach trouble recently and I had to go out last week to get a RugDoctor to clean up his vomit off of the new carpet in my apartment building.
Today, at 2 AM, he exorcism vomited all over the carpet again. I wasn't really excited about having to go rent another RugDoctor again at two in the fucking morning.
Here is a picture of his vomit after I had tried and failed to clean it up without spending another thirty dollars.
http://imgur.com/kvhpNsh
So, I drove my ass and my sad girlfriend over to the Harris Teeter at two in the morning only to discover that apparently the night manager doesn't have access to the RugDoctor keys. Fuck.
So, I drove back to my apartment and decide to trap my dog in the kitchen (which has linoleum floors) as to prevent any further vomiting which might have time to dry into the floor.
I barricaded him in with chairs. Apparently, I suck at making barricades. This little fucker army crawled to my carpet and proceeded to absolutely destroy it with his teeth.
http://imgur.com/l1FnQCV
So now, my thirty dollar problem just became a couple hundred dollar problem. Go Cosmo.
Zymaxid: Firstly, you have a cute dog! :3
Secondly, please take your dog to the vet if he's having continued vomiting. Even if its nothing, they can give you some nausea meds to give Cosmo which will make him feel better and maybe save the rest of your carpet.
And finally, the entire first step on our staircase looks exactly like your rug does now. I'm glad someone else's dog likes to chomp carpet.
Panda_Boners: "Chomp carpet"
ಠ_ಠ
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411229247 | 1411301130 | t3_2gyjfx | t5_2to41 | 41 | FMDT: TIFU by attempting to dye my hair in public.
Ok, so my friend has invited me to go to this gig to see a black metal band called The King Is Blind. I really like metal but really don't look the part, as I wear bright clothing and have long blond hair. I'd done the best I could to dress the part, which boiled down to bright blue jeans and a brown t-shirt, but it wasn't really doing it. Then my friend suggested that we dyed my hair for the gig. Now on hindsight the moment had already passed, as we'd already left the house and were an hour away from home, but I decided to live a bit wilder than normal and do it, so we went into boots and bought some rub in blue dye. We then went to a toilet in a local cave to put it in. This must have looked ridiculous, because I had to remove my shirt so anyone coming in would see me shirtless with my friend rubbing product into my hair. Then we retread the instructions and found that we were meant to be wearing rubber gloves through all this. We understood why when we tried to wash our very blue hands. It turns out the stuff is as good at dyeing skin as it is dyeing hair. As hard as we tried we could not remove it (I've also been told that management nearly went in and caught us, but we left In time). By this point I had blue hair, hands and forehead as well as a very blue neck and back. We then found heat I needed to dry my hair. As we were in a public toilet we had no towels and the only cubicle had already run out of paper from earlier attempts. I did the best I could to dry it in a hand dryer but it didn't do a good job. So me and my friend went out into the streets, with me looking very blue and his hands completely blue to look for any shop selling a towel cheap. I got a LOT of odd looks en route and spent forever trying to find anywhere. Then, just to make the situation worse, my friend realised he had left his ring back at the cafe (the ring was given to him by his girlfriend, and meant a lot go him). So now my friend was freaking out and I was turning everything I touched blue. This wasn't going well. At his point we passed a good shop so my friend dashed in and found a towel. We dried my hair quickly on the street and dashed back and got his ring. However now I still have very blue hands and a slightly blue face and this gig to go to.
TLDR: attempted to dye my hair in a public toilet and dyed most of myself blue.
[deleted]: Given that black metal was popularized by people from the Nordic countries, fans with blonde hair I imagine shouldn't be an uncommon sight.
Also, fuck peer pressure. I went to a hardcore show wearing a full-on suit once where everyone was wearing leather jackets. I've always thought that the point of aggressive music was to embrace the unconventional.
FMDT: Every metal concert I've been to you look out of place if you're wearing anything but black. The last time I was in bright blip use shirt and got a lot of stares
[deleted]: Yup, hence why I don't reaaaaally like other metal fans. (The racism here and there is annoying too)
FMDT: Yeah, after one of the songs the band started telling one of the fans to fuck off because he'd been doing a nazi salute
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1411228984 | 1411302080 | t3_2gyj2o | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: Tifu by ignoring my bowels and going yardsaling
So this happened a few hours ago. Sorry if my story is long. I was on my way to a community yardsale in foothill ranch, CA when i had the urge to crap. I considered using the restroom at the mcdonald's i was passing but decided against it. The need to crap wasn't very urgent and went away a minute later so i hurried over to the houses hosting the sale. After about thirty minutes of uneventful driving in circles and seeing nothing but piles of clothes out on the driveways i decided to head home. As soon as i had turned the car around i felt my entire stomach churn and in a second i was clenching with all my strengh. It was a losing battle as a chunk of crap forced itself halfway out. I sped down the hill to mcdonalds but was too late. I pulled over and ran up a hill into some bushes. As i climbed it forced itself out followed by a chilli colored waterfall that soaked my butt, thighs, amd calves. I threw my shoes off before they got dripped on. I took my phone and wallet out of my pockets and knelt to stop the dripping. After another few minutes i realized i was skrewed. My boxers sat on the ground filled to the brim. And the top of my shorts were fine but the legs were soaked. Shit ran down my legs and the bottom of the back of my shirt. There was so much that when it filled the boxers it coated my balls and dick as well. After sactificing my socks as toilet paper i was no closer to being clean. Plus i was naked near a public road. I turned to reddit and pleaded on r/assistance but after 20 min there was no reply and more people kept walking by. I was on my own. I managed to use some sticks to turn my socks inside out to re-use and used my knife to cut the clean parts of my boxers off and use. Being mostly clean or at least dry by this point i cut the legs of my shorts. I looked ridiculous in shorts shorter than most girls would wear and a smear of crap ran down the left side. I ran to my car passing a jogger and grabbed a towel from the trunk. Once i was wrapped i went home and am now currently scrubbing dry crap off of myself. Oh and i have a date in twenty minutes.
DefineTheLine: I laughed so hard at this
INUNisNOTHING: Same. Pretty sure period on this bus are starting at me. Too nervous to look up and check.
wherestheblacksmith8: Oh god either that's autocorrect or you're on a fucked up bus
INUNisNOTHING: WHOA! No period on that bus, I don't think. That was Autocorrect.
*PEOPLE on the bus.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1411229668 | 1411235072 | t3_2gyk1g | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my vagina.
Okay, so first things first - this actually happened today. About four hours ago, but this fuck up is to last a few days, at least.
Backstory: My boyfriend and I have never had sex with our genitals groomed in any fashion. What I mean by this, is that first time we had sex it was not planned by any means, and neither of us had shaved. Because of this, we both decided that there's no point because we both had seen each other at our "worst". He also explained to me that he doesn't like Brazilian waxes because it feels like a baby, I understood. No shaving for me. And I really don't give a shit either way.
This is where the fuck up happens.
Today I was in the shower and for whatever reason I felt like maybe I'd like to actually see my vagina - this would be the first time since April. So I shaved. Once I'm finished I realize I actually kind of like it. I get out of the shower get dressed and start my day. My under carriage feels kind of weird but in a good way (this is important).
When I'm finished getting ready I head over to my boyfriends house, where we proceed to get busy. He pulls down my pants and sees what I have done. He's furious. He immediately gets up and accuses me of sleeping with someone else because "I know he hates naked vaginas". I did know this, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. We fight and fight for about 30 minutes and I finally get him to calm down enough to explain that I literally just felt like shaving and I had no idea he would be this upset. He cools down - still a little annoyed. Moods gone. I'm horny as fuck. I leave his house to give him some space.
When I get home I finally realize that because I'm so damn naked down there, my bits are pretty exposed, and every time I move my pants run against my clit. Which is make me EXTREMELY horny. But of course, my boyfriend won't have sex for at least a week while my hair grows back.
I might actually die.
somnodoc: He's not going to wait a week lol. But let's say hypothetically that he was, why wouldn't you just masturbate? This doesn't make any sense
[deleted]: I have masturbated.
Imagine masturbating, then putting on your pants and instantly becoming turned on again. It's an endless cycle.
somnodoc: This still makes no sense, it's not going to be any different if your bf has sex with you...
[deleted]: In what world is masturbating better than having sex?
somnodoc: Who said somehing was better than something else? I said, if your problem occurs when you put your pants back on then sex is going to help you no more than masturbation will.
[deleted]: I can have sex with my boyfriend for two hours. I can't masturbate for 2 hours. That's nuts.
somnodoc: 1. I'm not sure why you couldn't masturbate for X hours.
2. I'm not sure why X hours is a factor here, if the problem occurs when you put your pants back on.
Clearly the problem is your pants and **not** a lack of sex. So change your pants to something less enjoyable and get on with your day.
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1411230789 | 1411236680 | t3_2gylqm | t5_2to41 | 7 | rangersparta: TIFU by leaving cans of soda in the freezer
So thursday this week i had bought a bunch of cheap soda. Its about €0,18 wich is really cheap in the Netherlands. So when i came home dinner was ready to eat, and i didnt want to have dinner without cold soda. So i popped it in the freezer. All cool (no pun intended), i took 2 out to drink while eating. That evening i did have this feeling that i forgot *something*, although i wasnt really sure what. In bed i realized that it was the soda, and i didnt bother going downstairs to get them out there, i thought it would be fine. So i went to school, and when i came home i wanted some soda. I opened the freezer and saw [this](http://m.imgur.com/EULMFj1,7B2oxDQ,otgpbFb,cNta4lm,tx4YiQC,3aBMkne)
Tl;DR I left cheap soda in the freezer and it exploded.
HeliHijack20: Reminds me of this
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KlA_YXDm9bg
rangersparta: Lol. That dude is pretty funny.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411231853 | 1411349759 | t3_2gynew | t5_2to41 | 19 | imanidiot918: TIFU by giving myself a dick bruise
There's not a whole lot to say. I was just sitting watching some porn, looking to beat off. I usually wear loose, comfy boxers, but I am wearing these boxers that have a tight elastic band because I went on a run earlier.
I pulled down my boxers, pulled out my whang, and stupidly let go of the elastic as I was watching the porn.
SLAP. right on my erect penis. it still hurts so much, and I have a red mark on my dick now, given how much blood was there, prob will have at least a mild bruise.
what really sucks also is, it hurts to touch it / beat off, but I am horny (hence I was trying to masturbate).
tldr: slapped dick, now bruise, still horny :(
[deleted]: If you still want to masturbate...
Lie in bed stomach down and make your dick point towards your legs, hence every time it gets harder, it'll hit the mattress, thus you'll know. Then just watch some porn...
Downside to this method is you'll have to release your erection on your boxers, thus you should probably put on some underwear to catch it. If the erection is too much, it might overspill and meet your boxers as well.
Goodluck
ready4love: I really thought i was the only one. I do that since I was 5-6 years old. Didn't knew by then what it was but it felt great (no ejaculation, just pleasure)
Edit : Even now i can do it without any mess.
Simply_Red: What do you do, just hump the bed?
ready4love: Bed was too soft. Floor is and was more convenable. Or any hard surface.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1411231235 | 1411286143 | t3_2gymgr | t5_2to41 | 59 | nom_de_guerre_: TIFU in a number of ways, culminating in the loss of a good portion of my wardrobe and self-respect.
A little setup to start:
My dorm- 4 person with 2 bedrooms with individual locks
The setting - a snowy northeastern winter break
Staring me, with a cameo from pretty much the only other person on campus at that point, my other-bedroom roommate D
Im pooping after having assembled all the clothing i own into a pile in my bathroom (for sorting before a much needed wash). I am wearing basketball shorts with boxers, everything else being in aforementioned pile. Its a big sonofabith too, as i spent the last 3 days with a girlfriend and no comfortable place to drop a steamer. So this isn't your UPS air shit, this has been returned to sender a few times....
anyway, i finish at around 11am, having broken a full on sweat. I stand up, i must say with a sense of victory and rightness, wipe (thank god for small miracles), turn around, and start the wheels in motion for what will be a stellar ride of a day by flushing the toilet....
things from here move fast. the toilet starts to overfill, i panic and remember the plunger in the hallway bathroom (right outside my bedroom door) and run out through my bathroom door, bedroom door, and on into the shared bathroom. as i grab the plunger i hear, with a sick dread, my bedroom door click shut...
lets quickly cover some more relevant info: it is winter break, as i said, on a commuter campus that is almost entirely dead and requires a keycard to open almost every door and elevator on campus. my dorm is an outlier as far as campus is concerned, and the snow has settled into a road-dirtied icebrick on every flat surface that hasn't been plowed. Catching back up with the hero of our story, I run to the bedroom door praying that it hasn't clicked its lock on yet again after being jostled. It has, get used to this level of success.
frantic, i ask the only roommate there, D, to see if his keys work (who knows, it may have been a bluff on the uni's part). They, of course, don't work. Im picturing now the rising brown/gray tide stale shit and water every article of clothing i own must be moored in.
Practicality then kicked in and i called the emergency maintenance helpline for the university. i was told that the only way to get a spare at that time was for me to walk clear to the other side of campus (about 1.5 miles) to meet a campus cop who will get the key for me from an office in a specific dorm. I feel this is something i can handle, and then i remember... ALL my clothes... and my wallet...
Now, D is a smallish chap, but i manage to find a fleece jacket with broken zipper. the shoes, however, just aren't happening, we are about 4 sizes off. He also somehow doesn't have flip flops. Whatever, i can still manage, cold bare feet or not. But here is where things start getting very tricky... the keycard issue. D has other things he needs to do (i don't remember what, but he wasnt being a dick), so I can't borrow his. This would be less of an issue if school was in session, but thems the breaks, at least i have my phone. I jog to the dorm in question and have to wait outside until this cop gets the relayed message that i am downstairs. He comes down, hands me a key, and says for safety's sake i need to bring the key back to him in under an hour (supposedly its their only one). Fine, okay, things are coming together here....
I run back to my dorm. Im at about 3 miles running on ice without shoes or non-mesh pants or working shirt, and it is just about 1245 as i get to the front door of my dorm and BAM, another fucking keycard roadblock. I wait about 10 minutes until someone with a key comes OUT the front door, meaning i still have to wait another 10 or so minutes for the elevator to open with someone leaving. That all behind me, I finally get upstairs to find out.... that it is the key for D's room, not mine.
I call the maintenance line again, very near tears at this point. They sound annoyed. there MAY JUST be one on file at the housing office of the secondary campus (about 5 miles away outside the city a bit) they inform me. Good news and bad news though. they will send someone with the key, but none of this changes what i told was told by the campus popo earlier - that i need to get that key back to him asap. I stiffen my resolve and run headlong out into the wind and ice. this day thinks it can fucking break me. little do i know, it can.
After a roundtrip, adding another 3 miles and about an hour to the clock for those keeping track, i get back to my dorm and, after having once again beat god damn mission impossible security, i call to see the status of my key delivery. 'Its coming but we don’t know when and will you please never call them again and eat shit and die’ was pretty much their response. i sit down and wait impatiently….
and this gives me the time to remember why i’m here. from about a minute after the door locked on me until this point, what is behind the door has been immaterial, the point is that i needed to get the door open. It took all of my focus and gave me a wonderfully myopic goal to work towards. but sitting down for the first time in a few hours i remember with a sad sense of defeat that even once this is over, this is far from over. then there is the poop.
Finally, i get a call from an unknown number. It is some administrative lady, who says she is downstairs with the key. despite myself my heart leaps, finally all of this endless head-banging-against-wall frustration will be behind me and at least i can start the emotional rebuilding process. alone, with my poop.
I get in the elevator, hit lobby, and watch the number whiz down. it hits the lobby with a soft ding and the door opens. a largish lady with a bad attitude “hands” me the key the minute the door opens. in the history of handing over of things, this instance may have been one of the sloppiest. it was handed over in the same way a shot putter hands the field that lead ball. her meaty fist, somehow barely even holding the key, rams fucklong into my open, cupped hand and, lo and behold, it falls. with the tiniest of pings i hear it fall right between the elevator and the real floor, disappearing into the yawning chasm below.
from this point on i give up, and can only think “cool.” maintenance sends has to send someone with the special elevator room key, and it takes about an hour for them to get there. cool. we again have to walk on the ice, because that room is only accessible from parking garage underneath and next door. cool. when he unlocks the door, i have so sift and walk through what is basically a sticky hair and dust pond on the floor in that room, without shoes. cool. It takes about 30 minutes, with him huffing impatiently the whole time. cool.
I find the key, get out, and find the hamfisted dolt who dropped it. we go upstairs, and she follows me in uninvited. I finally walk up to, unlock, and open my bedroom door. pushing my whole bed over to prop the door open, i turn around, and hand the lady, who is now gagging, the key. She leaves, and then….THEN… i got to mop up my own shit for about 3 hours, throwing away about half of my clothes.. the end
epiphany_cookie: I get a weird feeling that this story is a pile of shit.
nom_de_guerre_: it unfortunately is all too true
epiphany_cookie: Yeah I was just making a shitty pun
nom_de_guerre_: or two!
| 5 | 11.8 | |
1411209329 | 1411233712 | t3_2gxwsk | t5_2to41 | 9 | pizzainsteadofblood: TIFU by breaking a glass shelf on my first day of work
TIFU well this was last night. Yet again my clumsiness got the better of me.
Last time I broke a light bulb all over my poor girlfriend.
So last night I had my first shift at a bar, I've worked as a bartender before so I felt in my element, you know that cocky feeling you get when everything is going perfect, like a perfect dance.
So I'm a couple of hours into the shift, tips are coming in nicely, good bit of banter from the regulars for being the new guy. The spirits are on glass shelves apart from the most commonly used ones (Smirnoff, Bacardi, Jack, etc) these ones are on the back of the bar in front of the shelves. As I reached to put back the vodka, thinking I didn't need to look, I hear a huge bang and a noise that sounded like when you stand on ice and it slowly cracks. Shit. The shelf has a 10+ inch crack going through the middle of it.
Now the rational thing to do would have been to tell my new manager what I'd done. But I listened to the little voice in my head, you know the one, the voice that says "nobody will know you did it" or "why not just cover the cracks with heavy bottles of spirits".
See this was my trial shift, one big fuck up and I don't get the much needed job which could buy me a real bed instead of a now punctured air bed.
So I got the job, no one has noticed the huge crack which will one day fail.
Oh and as I was leaving I noticed the security camera facing that exact area of the bar.
Jedisaurus: What do you have against glass? http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2gulzk/tifu_by_breaking_glass_all_over_my_girlfriend/
pizzainsteadofblood: I just want to get along from a distance :(
| 3 | 3 | |
1411232021 | 1411248433 | t3_2gynoo | t5_2to41 | 44 | libertine-mufc420: TIFU by masturbating in my room (just now)
Yeah... so... I live with my parents. And my room doesn't have a lock.
I'm currently at home struggling to think of how I should face my mom after what just happened. Here goes...
I was surfing the net about 20 or so minutes ago and like the braindead idiot I am thought: "why not fap 'cause I'm bored?".
Now, I usually have a routine and set-up when it comes to this which involves plugging in my ear plugs so nobody hears the moans, turning on the AC to muffle out the fap sounds, and moving myself and my laptop to an area furthest away from the sitting room (last one's important since we just had a guest over).
I find myself some porn, turn up the volume on my ear plugs, and start fapping away. Ten minutes in I realize I'm not really any closer to cumming so I think "hmmm I think I'll use a dirty shirt I have in my dirty laundry pile to make my dick experience something else so I can cum quicker".
Five minutes later and it's working and I'm about to cum. For some reason I hear a voice from outside my room door, but I ignore it in my ecstasy and keep jerking my meat like a madman. Suddenly, my mom busts in and tells me to say goodbye to the guest we just had over since my dad's gonna drive him back to his hotel.
At this point I'm fucked, but since I was using a shirt I manage to cover my exposed area just in time. My mom closes the door straight away and walks away like she didn't just witness her son ejaculating in his room with a shirt around his private parts,
I wipe myself off (with the shirt of course), pull up my drawers and shorts, and proceed to see off the guest at the house's front door.
We do a quick lil' chit-chat and I say goodbye to the dude and my dad.
I returned to my room and am now just wondering if things are gonna be awkward between me and my mom once I leave my room and see her in the sitting room. Shit. I FUCKED UP BAD! Hopefully, she'll be cool about it.
TL;DR I jerked-off in my room, mom came in as I came out (lol) and told me to say bye to someone. Now I'm anticipating if things are gonna be awkward.
K3NN3Y: Did you at least shake his hand goodbye?
libertine-mufc420: Hahaha, now that I think about it I was in a rush. So yeah, I did shake his hand.
K3NN3Y: Nasty OP...
libertine-mufc420: I'm not proud, but then again I did mention that I masturbated with a dirty shirt.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1411233862 | 1411248779 | t3_2gyqjs | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting Diesel in an Unleaded Car
So today I am driving to the garage to get some fuel, which I hate doing as it costs so much and I decide to be stingy and only put £5 in because I am trying to save money. My girlfriend is with me and we are in a rush because I have to go to the shop pick up some presents and then we where supposed to be going out for a meal.
I get to the garage, stressed and devastated at the fact I have to buy yet more fuel and all of the pumps are closed except the diesel pumps. I think yes finally a bit of luck, my car is diesel so I force the cap into the fuel tank and start filling up. Due to the fact that 'the pump I needed' was the only one open I felt lucky and added a bit more than £5 worth of fuel and then I realise. SHIT! my car is petrol, I google, I ask the garage, I phone family and friends and then the devastating news came that I had to pay out £230 pay for the diesel fuel and then fill up with petrol which cost another £50 so because I was tight with my money I ended up spending over the odds.
One_more_username: Or you could Google a little more on how to flush your fuel tank, and save the 230 pounds. You'll still have to shell out 5p, but that's much better than 280.
jcxixi: Yeah I was going to flush it out but my car is pretty modern and only has a small tank, I put 1/5 diesel in and it has a lock on the fuel tank so I couldn't get it out myself or flush it :/ I didn't want to risk making things worse really
One_more_username: You should be able to get down and pull a plug to drain everything. Investing a few dollars on a car manual will save you a lot of money, seriously.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411228993 | 1411240325 | t3_2gyj3b | t5_2to41 | 3 | _kermit_the_frog_: TIFU by temporarily not having common sense
First TIFU text here.
Previous explanation: English is not my native language so, please, do expect some grammar and expression errors. DO IT!!
Now the TIFU: this happened like 21 years ago. I'm currently 28 so I was about 7 or so at the time. I've always had lot of interest in engines, machines, electricity, and "how things work" in general, so when I was a little kid, my main hobby was to disassemble and open my electronic toys, remove the engines, lights, whatever and connect them with small batteries to make them spin, light up, connect them in serie, whatever. A lot of time I would then attach them to another toys or figures to give them super powers! (Example: I would clipped a little engine with a fan to a batman figure, like a bag back thing, to give my batman the ability to fly against his enemies). So, like I said, I was very curious about electricity but never really tried another forms of energy other then the usual 1,5V batteries. One day I got home alone since my parents had to leave for about 10 minutes. (I was pretty responsabile and well behaved at the time, so being alone was nothing I would be worried about or a problem to me). Now this is when I FU: being home alone and tired of experimenting the little power of 1,5V batteries I decided I need more power. Nothing a 220V wall power outlet couldn't deliver, so here i go! I proceed to connect two wires from a little toy motor (one for each polarity) and then connect that tiny wires to the 220V power outlet...
Deep inside I knew I was screewing up... but my curiosity won.
So, back to the story, did the little motor exploded!? Nop! Did it even spin? Of course not! It was dead, obviously! Now, as I realized that what I did had not got me the results I was expecting I proceed to push the wires from the outlet but now they're stuck! FUCK!! I push it harder and manage to get them, without, however, see a LOT of sparks coming from the outlet to the carpet... I didn't though anymore of that but I learned my lesson that day. Parents got home and everything went normal as usual.
Years had passed until one day, older me, (way more counscious older me) was thinking about this episode again. What an insane FU this was: I was home alone, plugging an little 1.5V motor in a 220V power outlet. Those wires couldn't possibly hold so much power but I somehow (this is the part that still confuses and amazes me) managed to not get an electrical shock. Like this wasn't enough, has I pulled the wires, the sparks could had started a fire in my house due to the carpet being burned. But nothing of this happened which kinda - now that I thing of it - makes me a very lucky guy to be alive! I could had not passed 8 years old.
But here I am. Sane and healthy sharing my TIFU. Thanks for reading it!
Cobrastrikenana: Kids at my school used to wet bobby pins then shove them in electrical sockets. Including me. Sparks would go everywhere you'd get shocked and the outlet would become useless. BTW that was good grammar almost all through ought
_kermit_the_frog_: Hahaha, that's a very good FU too. You're lucky you didn't hurt yourself.
Thanks for the compliment over my grammar ;)
| 3 | 1 | |
1411260805 | 1411264966 | t3_2gyu1t | t5_2to41 | 4 | gothic-orianna: I dont know about you but if i was about to have sex with someone and they had the wrong set of gear i would be pretty taken aback too. Thats nothing to do with transphobia, more along the lines of. "This is not what i signed up for".
That is completely different to OP saying he would contemplate suicide for meeting a transwomen.. Which he did not say. Pretty sure he said he would usually have jumped out of a window- to get away- because he was doing the nasty with someone who was not forthcoming about appendages.
I dont see where op said trans women arent real women. He said he thought a woman was a woman with female organs and she was not. Pretty cut and dry.
Ghostofazombie: >TLDR- friend calls me to hang a brings a girl, girl and I hit it off, **girl's not a girl**, near enough to one that I try... and got shit all over my only sheets, that are now in the dumpster.
gothic-orianna: I didnt think you meant it in the way the commenter is insinuating. If you did then you are a bag of dicks. If not then we are cool
Ghostofazombie: I literally don't understand what you're saying here at all. You said that the OP didn't say that trans women aren't real women, and I provided a direct quote emphasizing the part where he said trans women aren't real women.
rxcowboy: So it was perfectly cool for her not to give a head up that she was trans until the cock came into play though right?
Males have penises, females have vaginas. This is basic biology, not tumblr. If the genitals are altered with surgery, sure call yourself whatever you want. But having a dick and claiming to be a woman is like putting a body kit from a Ferrari on BMW and claiming it's a real Ferrari.
Ghostofazombie: >So it was perfectly cool for her not to give a head up that she was trans until the cock came into play though right?
I dunno. If you were trans and meeting someone for the first time and knew that trans people are at a huge risk of being assaulted or murdered for outing themselves, what would you do? Oh, sorry, you would probably need literally any empathy to consider that situation.
>Males have penises, females have vaginas. This is basic biology, not tumblr.
You're right, it's not like [there are differences present in the brains of trans people even before puberty hits](http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20032-transsexual-differences-caught-on-brain-scan.html). Oh wait, that's exactly the case. Feel free to keep spouting this ridiculous bigoted garbage, though. It'll be a helpful warning for people who aren't pieces of shit to stay away from you.
rxcowboy: Between 12 and 24, how many hours a day do you spend loudly complaining to anyone that will listen about how oppressed you are?
There are brain differences between normal people and sociopaths as well. That doesn't change the basics of biology.
And regarding fear of assault, wouldn't the risk of assault have been higher with no warning being given until genital contact?
Never mind, I'm cis scum who hasn't checked his privilege today.
Ghostofazombie: You're right, biology that doesn't support your bigotry don't real. You do make some good points by falling back on tired stereotypes, though.
rxcowboy: That did support my point in that brain waves don't magically change physical appearance or genitals. Jesus Christ I have nothing against the trans population. If someone wants to change their gender, cool, it's their call. But it doesn't change the basic reality that even though he may act like a woman and want to be perceived as a woman, he is still a he due to the penis.
| 9 | 0.444444 | |
1411237046 | 1411297584 | t3_2gyvq7 | t5_2to41 | 465 | tanoren: TIFU by putting chocolate in my bra
This happened just a few minutes ago and my face is still red.
A little backstory: I like my chocolate either warm and slightly melty or freezer cold depending on the chocolate. I also have horrible short term memory.
So this morning I was getting ready for a family party and I only had a few minutes until a friend came to pick me up. I still needed to do my hair and slather on the face moisturizer and sunscreen. Being that time of month I'm craving chocolate. So I grab a piece and not having time to warm it up, I stuck said chocolate in my tit holders.
Four hours later, my nipple itches. I discreetly reach up to itch my nip and it feels rather odd. Right in front of my grandmother I plunge my hand down in there and out comes my hand covered in gooey brown stuff.
Oh shit.
Edit: Everyone knows. Still at the party. Braless. *sigh*
Edit: Why is me forgetting chocolate in my bra my most popular post? Why? :(
Edit: The chocolate smell won't come out. At least it smells good.
Hamzabaig: Well, That wasn't the breast idea, was it?
TrippingBearBalls: At least she's gonna rack up some karma for it
nullshark: Hope the rack's firm enough to hold it all.
trampabroad: I see we're replying tit for tat
tishstars: No shit, melon head
doggiechewtoy: This whole thread is mounds of fun.
xdcs: Nice of OP to keep us abreast of the situation.
wolfman86: To be fair, this is probably the breast post of the day. And she wonders why it gets so much attention. :D
| 9 | 51.666667 | |
1411236454 | 1411290997 | t3_2gyutj | t5_2to41 | 143 | VaJordanNc: TIFU by sleeping in a stranger's apartment.
I went to the bar last night with a friend from my major. It was supposed to be her, me, and her roommate, but her friend bailed. So I'm thinking alright there's a good chance tonight ends well for me. We proceed to hang out the entire night, which is strange at the bar, and get absolutely hammered. Eventually she asks me to walk her back to her house and I oblige. We get on to her front porch and she invites me upstairs. Now you gotta understand I'm pumped, but I started to feel a little sick so I told her I needed to get some air first.
I'm sitting on the porch trying to hold it together and finally feel good enough to go inside. The only problem is she didn't tell me which room was hers. The house had like eight different apartments inside of it, which confused the shit out of drunk me, and I attempted to open all of them. After I spend thirty minutes trying to find her room I decide to use my phone because I remembered it was 2014. Well it didn't matter because the phone was dead so I tried one last time on an apartment door and it opened. So I saunter in and crash on the couch. I get woken up by two random chicks asking me what the fuck I was doing on their couch. I was still drunk so I just said "Sleeping." After about thirty seconds I hop up and get chased out of the house. It's about 8:30 AM and I'm still drunk, my phones dead, its raining, and now I have to walk to my place 2.5 miles away.
TL;DR I'm invited over for sex, but I get lost in a sorority labyrinth and pass out in the living room of people I've never met before.
occipudding: How did you post this on a dead phone?
Lintacular: Looks like it was posted after he got home, slept, and charged his phone...?
dnlbarrera: No. I'm pretty sure it was from his dead phone....
Lintacular: ...well, if it happened to be a dead phone, I'd like to know what carrier he uses that will let him post things even when there's no battery life.
I believe Tumblr has a timed post queue you can set up, but why Reddit would do such things in /r/tifu I'd have no clue...and technically it still wouldn't be his dead phone but the website and posts that he had premade.
I think I'd start worrying his phone was possessed or turned into a transformer phone that only pretends it's dead if it was posted before his drunk ass made it home and could charge it...or even maybe get access to a laptop or desktop or friend's phone to post it before that. Aren't there more ways than need be to access the internet nowadays?
| 5 | 28.6 | |
1411238194 | 1411240608 | t3_2gyxjt | t5_2to41 | 5 | reddvl5: TIFU by disappointing Jesus
When I was in middle school, my best friend used to 'camp out' in the pop-up trailer in the backyard. We didn't really stay in the camper, we just used this because it was easier to sneak out than the house.
One of our "activities" was to link a firecracker to a candle as a delayed fuse, place it on someone's porch, and sit back in the dark and watch the neighbor run out and start screaming. Wasn't the nicest thing to do, I know :)
So one Saturday night we were outside and I realized I forgot the fireworks. I had hidden the black-cats in my room. It was late and when I went in to the kitchen there was Mom reading the paper. I had to think of something, so I told her I was getting my Bible.
I went to the room, grabbed the little red New Testament and firecrackers. Feeling pretty slick for a 12 year old. Walking back out, I made eye contact with my mom, and just as I raised the bible in my right hand ("see, here it is!") the fireworks slid out of my shorts and thumped onto the linoleum. I've repressed whatever happened next.
H33B619: Nobody fucks with the Jesus!
edthomson92: 12 year olds, dude
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411239038 | 1411244888 | t3_2gyyvk | t5_2to41 | -2 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by having period sex with an FWB.
Periods are a part of life. And I'm super horny in the days just before and during my period. So anyway, today was my 2nd day (heavy flow) and I just met up with this guy from work I'm casually seeing, and we decide to move onto real stuff after a bit of small talk.
As I was undressing, I mentioned I was on my period and I would go dispose of my tampon so we could have unrestricted fun. He didn't say anything and I came back after washing myself to find him sitting half naked on the edge of the bed looking slightly sick. He revealed that he had always found it awful, and he doesn't understand periods, and he simply hates the sight or smell of blood, and maybe we should just go out for the rest of the evening and then he'll drop me home. I wave his concern away with a "What! You'll be using a condom anyway, and it's dark. Relax, I'm not even bleeding that much, I swear." (total lie)
I hate to get into details, but there was... leakage, though I didn't realise that at first. I was too busy concentrating on how great it felt. What an awesome lube it is! He was very quiet (I chalked that down to the fact that we were barely even casual acquaintances) and after what seemed like forever, he came, and without making a sound he just rolled over and went to wash himself. While he was gone I made a quick check and, damn! I had soaked through the towel underneath me, and leaked onto his bed sheet. When he came back, I was frantically scrubbing at that spot with a mug of water. He came out of the bathroom, saw my half-naked form crouching by the bed in the dark madly scrubbing at the blood on the bed sheet, and promptly dashed back inside again to puke his heart out. Oh dear.
Cut to the after-party. After some super awkward apologies, I folded his bed sheet to take it home, promising to replace it with a new one. It now lies under my cat in her basket, since it's basically ruined for the whole bed experience. He apologised for vomiting at the sight but kind of blamed it on me.
We will meet again in a week.
TLDR - TIFU by insisting on sex with a person I'm not so close to, during a particularly heavy period, and then listening to him vomit his guts out while wiping off his dick.
duwellinshar: I'm often baffled by some of the things people feel the need to share on the internet.
Rentun: You're the one that clicked on it, sicko.
| 3 | -0.666667 | |
1411239965 | 1411250826 | t3_2gz0e7 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing
my friend and i were coming back to our hotel room from a night a partying. while in the cab, i felt the need to pee. i was holding it in until we reach our hotel room. finally reached out hotel room and was on the verge of peeing. my friend couldn't get the door to open. i was holding my bag and heels and was just fighting to not let the urge of peeing win. but as i saw my friend lose power opening the lock, was on the ground figuring it out, i lost it. niagara falls went streaming down my legs. i unleashed the pee i was holding in for so long.. in public. my friend didn't know if she was gonna laugh or be disgusted at me. finally help came and stepped on the mess i made. the guard asked us why it was wet down the hall way and said it was just coffee. it clearly wasn't. im so sorry i peed. i just couldn't hold it any longer :(
edit: some words. currently laughing from my stupid fuck up.
murfyyy: When you gotta go, you gotta go. But you NEVER go in public.
[deleted]: im sorry :(
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411243197 | 1411328094 | t3_2gz5lf | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by totally misunderstanding my friend
Don't really know if this is considered a fuck-up, but it's pretty funny.
So me and my two friends just talk on Skype a lot (one if them isn't important in this post though) and one of them said something that sparked a memory of that one part in We're the Millers so I said "That's kinda like what happened in We're the Millers when that one kid got his dick bitten by a spider."
Well what I though he responded with was:
"Oh God, yeah, that thing was like the size of my mouth!"
Of course I was pretty stunned so I told him "Please, NEVER compare the size of genitals to your mouth ever again." He fucking bursted out laughing and I was just sitting there wondering what the hell he just said because we usually say random gross shit like that. Well, it turns out he said "...the size of my mouse" and we laughed for a good while.
murfyyy: This is most definitely not a fuck up, this is a recent conversation you've had with a friend.
Csardonic1: TIFU - my friend asked me if I wanted to hang out so I said yes and we had a good time.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411241297 | 1411393032 | t3_2gz2lv | t5_2to41 | 93 | murfyyy: TIFU at the gym. TWICE!
First off, im doing legs day at the gym which as people know, is the worst of all gym days. You push your legs so hard that your entire body feels strained, your blood rushes to your head, you can barely breathe because your core is tensed, Fucking legs day is the worst day. Anyway today was packed with people in the gym and while I was doing leg press i was on my last rep and I was pushing so hard that i ripped a massive loud fart. This fart must have been going for at least 3 seconds when the pitch suddenly changed for the worst. It went from a loud and perky 'how ya doin' fart to a deep, wet and then oozey bubbly sound. I had done a shart. I just sharted in the gym with everyone within fart hearing distance knowing what i had done. Just incase people thought i had only farted, the stupid me had stand up in a 'I just got fucked in the ass' stance and say 'i have to get something from the car' to the random guy waiting for the machine. I didnt come back, i went home. Ever heard someone say "friends dont let friends skip legs day"? Well this is why people skip legs day, because when you do legs day you shit your pants. Thats how legs day works.
Second fuck up; I hadnt finished my leg workout so after going home, throwing out my underwear, getting changed and taking a big shit, i decided to go back to the gym, but not the same gym. I am a member of Anytime Fitness so i can go to any of them in Australia (I never realized that the reason they let you go to other Anytime's whenever you want is because they don't want you to be embarrassed when you shit your pants at one of their gyms. Anyway in making the first wrong decision, i went to the Anytime with the most stairs to reach the gym. This was bad because stairs are your enemy when you have a leg pump like i did from not finishing my workout. On the very last fucking step on the way up, i didnt quite make it, as in i tripped up the stairs and to stop myself from falling, I started to run and pick up momentum in the hope that will counter my unbalance, but instead i ended up spear tackling a girl off her treadmill. Yep, i fucking demolished her. She wasnt hurt and she was even laughing about it afterwards because she heard the sound of me trip and then she sure as hell felt it. I can no longer show my face at 2 of my gyms.
In 3 days ive literally had 3 fuckups. I hadent fucked up in a long time so i guess i was due for a few fuckups and they decided to come all at once. I should be right for a year or so.
TL;DR1: Pushed myself too hard during workout and sharted TL;DR2: Tripped up the stairs and took out an innocent girl on my way down
cantpissoffmods: You need to eat more fiber. I drop a brown carrot 2 or 3 hours before work out. Everyday. Like clock work.
And dont skip leg day, or you'll turn into a cartonish guy with arms bigger than legs.
And dont try to lift more than you can handle. If its making you loose control of your bodily functions, go lower. And pucker your asshole.
murfyyy: Why does everyone seem to think that because I sharted on legs day that I'm one of those guys that neglects legs? You'd think the fact I pushed myself during the workout so hard that I followed through with a fart would be evidence enough that I take legs day seriously. Like shit myself serious. I don't see you shitting yourself at the gym!
cantpissoffmods: Well you did say you hated leg day. Hating doing something will probably limit how you do it, i guess. I love every bit of workout. Not being able to move my legs or lift my arms. Thats awesome.
About the sharting. I really do believe shit is supposed to be solid, so if your going liquid on your droppings, something is wrong. I dont think you crap water all week long, but whatever you eat to make you shit liquids, its better to avoid it.
I praise what you said about shitting yourself serious, but trust me, check that out.
Sorry if i sound patronizing, its not my intention.
murfyyy: It was because i took too much pre workout. For anyone who doesnt know what happens when you take too much pre workout, think about laxative affect that coffee has then multiply it by 5. Ive read on the body building forums that some people even drink their pre workout WHILE on the toilet. Shitting yourself is only a problem if you arent making gains. You know you have done a good thing when ya shit yourself.
cantpissoffmods: I cant make any sense of that, but its just me probably.
murfyyy: Pre Workout makes you do the meanest shits almost instantaneously after consuming.
EDIT: I didnt mention i never did the mandatory shit
| 7 | 13.285714 | |
1411242851 | 1411270593 | t3_2gz52e | t5_2to41 | 292 | DrRoxophd: TIFU by using Doctor Who to cockblock myself
Last night I went on a date with a self-described "nerdy girl". Eventually we go back to her place, and her room has a bunch of marvel posters, Lord of the Rings decals and other cool shit. We put on a movie (she put on the second hobbit film, obviously), and start to make out.
The kissing escalates, my hand is doing its thing downstairs, and I stop to tell her I don't have any condoms. She says "no worries" and grabs a small TARDIS next to her bed. It's a little box that opens up with some condoms hidden away. I take a condom and start setting up shop downstairs while I whisper this, "It's bigger on the inside." She about died laughing but didn't want to fuck me after that.
OverlyD: Why would she not want to fuck you after that?
OhGirlIAmInTrouble: Are you dumb?
Shitty_Human_Being: Are you?
Iamevenwut: Am I?
A_LARGE_POTATO: no ur a pretty human
| 6 | 48.666667 | |
1411244899 | 1411246012 | t3_2gz89x | t5_2to41 | 0 | HarunaMazoona: TIFU by defecating in a urinal at work and getting caught.
For the past year or so, once every 5 or 6 weeks, I take a dump into the urinal in the restroom at work.
I do this because I find it amusing to imagine the reactions of my co-workers when they see it, and I enjoy hearing about it after the fact. I enjoy hearing their incredulity and disgust. I play along with it, acting as if I too find it disgusting.
I always do it quickly. I have to sense that it is the "right" sort of bowel movement, one I know I can expel as quickly as possible. I also know what times of day the bathroom is least trafficked. I always wait for the best possible moment. There are many times I have passed up a chance for fear that the conditions were not perfectly suitable.
I guess in hindsight it was bound to happen, but the other day I did fuck up. Arrogance, perhaps. But I mis-timed. Took a bit too long. I don't know. A co-worker of mine, a guy I've known for long time, walked in and saw me bent over the urinal, my ass right up in it, taking a dump. Worst possible time for him to enter. There was no possible excuse I could make, no possible deflection. I think I even shrieked in surprise and horror. His facial expression was one of astonishment and revulsion. I couldn't even say a word before he practically ran out of the restroom. I shouted after him something to the effect of "It's just a prank!"
I quickly got my pants up, not even bothering to wipe, and tried to run after him. I thought I could maybe, just maybe still contain this. If I could catch up to him and convince him not to tell anyone, promise that I'd stop doing it, etc. I was even willing to bribe him.
But he was already gone. That's when real panic mode set in.
I just went back to my desk and tried to work normally, not knowing what else to do is, but I was in such a state of terror that I was sweating and shaking. My mind was in shambles. Several people asked if I was ill.
Finally, I was called into HR for the most awkward meeting of my life. I tried to explain that I had only meant it as a joke. They were having none of it. To make this long tale a bit shorter I'll just say I was fired.
Ultimately I feel it is bullshit, because in the end it really was nothing more than a harmless prank. To be fired over it? It's fucked up. Nevermind my reputation. I have never seen such overreactions from friends, co-workers, and family.
But I did fuck up by doing this prank, I should have anticipated the havoc it could have rained on me. God damn it. I wish I never did it. It's still a funny prank but I wish I had not done it.
Boner_Piss: How do you wipe after shitting in a urinal? Do you bring tp with you? Or just waddle into a stall to wipe and flush?
HarunaMazoona: I have some tp crunched up in both hands, quickly wipe and toss that into the trash can. I will then, if I am confident nobody is near, go into a stall to finish the job. Otherwise I will wait until later.
Januskopf: God, your ass must be filthy.
| 4 | 0 | |
1411243898 | 1411292220 | t3_2gz6qy | t5_2to41 | 60 | Blickzofficial: TIFU by shining a laser pen in my eye
This occurred just over a month ago..
So, being the typical teenager that I am.. Me and a friend of mine chilled indoors on a Friday night with a few beer and some vodka while gaming.
Being the lightweight that I am, it didn't take long until the vodka started to hit me and I was doing loads of stupid crap.
Now, I didn't know that the laser pen I had was illegal in the UK until after the incident but however I did decide to shine it in my eye. The legal limit for laser pens is up to a maximum of 5mW. As mine was imported from buying it online, it was 200mW.
I didn't really notice anything wrong until the morning after where I could constantly see a white spot in my vision all the time and with my good eye closed I couldn't make out ANYTHING. I didn't think much of it and left it until the Monday after that weekend when finally being told by my optician that it was an emergency and they needed to see me as soon as possible.
However this only went on for me to goto the hospital the next day and finally getting it looked at properly. After looking at the back of my eye they noticed that I "damaged the sensitive layer beneath the retina". I was told that it wasn't good news and that they cannot do anything about it at this moment in time and would like to check up on me in December.
TL;DR - pointed a laser pen in my left eye while being drunk and damaged directly behind my retina leaving me blind in my left eye.
Goldkoron: 200mw is one EXTREMELY powerful laser pointer, eyes are at risk from a 5mW laser, it is usually fatal for an eye if something stronger than 100mW hits it.
ssjkriccolo: For how long of an exposure?
Blickzofficial: It was in my eye for mere seconds.
yadag: Wow! I thought with the amount of damage you described that you had been staring into it for more than a few seconds. Good thing you didn't shine it in both eyes.
| 5 | 12 | |
1411237702 | 1411309651 | t3_2gywr0 | t5_2to41 | 147 | my_nan_is_boss: TIFU by not checking the tickets.
Tickets for two to go see Martin Freeman as Richard III - £111.
Train from Liverpool to London - £79.
Getting to my girlfriend's flat and pulling out the tickets only to find its a matinee show that started 5 minutes earlier - Priceless.
tl;dr -. There are some things money can buy. But I'll ruin them as I'm a Mastertard.
NATAAAAN: *Smooth.*
payattentionimsmart: Waait... 5 hours?
| 3 | 49 | |
1411247056 | 1411247648 | t3_2gzbq3 | t5_2to41 | -7 | __penis: TIFU by studying for an exam
So I was studying for my first college Latin exam and ran into someone from my class. He gave me his number in case I wanted to study with him. He comes over that night and we're studying, talking, and generally getting along pretty well. I told him how I am bi and he seemed curious. We were talking about how I didn't want to have a one night stand with anyone, and he agreed with me. He texts me the next day that we should hang out and watch a movie in his room. I'm like okay, sure. I get there and we're sitting watching the movie.
Then things get heated. He ends up titty fucking me, I suck his dick, and all that jazz. I'm on my period and so luckily I didn't have sex with him. He's fingering my clit and I really wasn't enjoying it because he had long nails. Whatever. He came on my boobs and I decided I should be headed home to clean myself up and try to figure out how to cover up my hickeys. Before I left, he told me to text him. I'm more than happy that he says that, because I really didn't want a one night stand.
Well, now he says that was just a one time thing and I'm stuck with hickeys that make me look like I was assaulted.
hockeychick44: I hate all of these sexual TIFU's. They are uninteresting. You didn't fuck up by studying for an exam, you fucked up by having a fling with some boy.
__penis: I'm sorry, I fucked up by believing that I wasn't having a one night stand after studying for an exam with a guy I thought felt the same way.
| 3 | -2.333333 | |
1411246796 | 1411340450 | t3_2gzbb2 | t5_2to41 | 9 | battat: TIFU - A Simple fu*k up
This is a pretty basic fuckup
Last night was unlike my normal friday nights. I had a little to much to drink. I accompanied my drinking with some weed. I was having the best time of my life.
I then met this girl we talked for a bit, she was in our apartment, we played beer pong for a bit. We then started touching, one thing lead to another and we left to my room. At some point in the middle before we had any sex, during foreplay. I realized i had no condoms, so I ran out and took one from my roommate.
I proceeded with the deed.
Next morning i woke up, the condom was unused, still in its wrapper. I am unsure whether i pumped her with battat jr's (i am pretty sure i did). she left in the morning, i dont have her number.
i Just hope 6 weeks from now i dont get a knock on my door. the only reason why i am worried is that shes a freshmen and seemed little over her head
hockeychick44: You need to find this girl. Don't ruin her life please.
battat: found her. told her. and bought plan B
Sen7ineL: GG.
| 4 | 2.25 |
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