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1411247373 | 1411252482 | t3_2gzc8a | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by nearly cutting of my thumb
First: This wasn't today, it was 4 days ago but nearly every TIFU Post here is longer ago. TL;DR at the end.
Sooo, let's get started. I was camping with some friends of mine in a small village called Tholey at the French-German Border. It was the evening and it got darker. We started our fireplace and after 2 hours we ran out of wood. So I said I'll get some and went up a small hill, not too far away from our place with my axe, a flashlight and my fucking 12 Centimetre pocket knife because whythefucknot.jpeg. Being the anxious little fuck I am, and Tholey being the fucking Bat home of Germany I opened and closed my knife all the time. After about 15 Minutes or so I got enough wood and headed down the hill back to our place. But you know what? Nope, while I opened and closed me fucking knife, suddenly there comes this root outta the fucking ground being in my way and shit. So I tripped. And while I tripped, I was closing my knife. And guess what? Cut myself in the thumb joint. Fuck that hurt. Bur you know what? I tripped further. **Into a fucking thornbush.** Cut myself more. At this point, the entire forest was so quiet you could basicly hear my blood flowing out of my thumb. I stood up and I was so glad that I'm in the firebrigade and know fist aid. So I medicated myself until I reached our place and everybody just stared at me with weird faces like: "Where da fak our wud?" I ran into my tent to my first aid kit, reached out my thumb and holy fist fucking father of fucker I bleeded like a 16 year old girl. The cut was so fucking deep I think I saw the bone. So yeah, the doc said I can be happy that my thumb's still there.
TL;DR: Wanted to get some firewood, nearly cut off my thumb. Don't play with knives.
Call_me_Kelly: >bleeded like a sixteen year old girl.
This is the first I've heard of girls bleeding differently than boys, is this really a thing? Also, does age really matter?
barryk013: Girls bleed from an area us guys don't lol.. And yes, age does matter somewhat.. Can't be under 12 or over 50 lol
| 3 | 1 | |
1411233659 | 1411405240 | t3_2gyq8i | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to make someone feel welcome
Hi Reddit, how are you? I apologize in advance for the long post.
My co-worker and I f'd up with a volunteer a little over a year ago.
My co-worker, we'll call him Hot Guy (nickname he got from a guest), and I work at a local zoo. We were assigned to work at a large food festival last summer. We were told a few days in advance that a volunteer would be meeting us at our office before leaving. The volunteers at our zoo are typically pretty cool, so I wasn't worried.
When I got to the zoo the next day I saw this guy sitting on the bench outside of our office and didn't think much of it. When the rest of the crew got there, I presented one of my co-workers, I call her Boss (long story for another time), with a fart gun from Despicable Me. She loved it, as did I, and I was playing with it in the office. When we headed to the zoo van, Boss asked the guy on the bench if he was the volunteer. He said he was (I felt like an asshole for not introducing myself initially).
I was playing with the fart gun in the van and just having a grand old time making people laugh. At one point I noticed the volunteer shaking his head. I wasn't sure if it was laughter or disgust, so I stopped because I didn't want to offend anyone.
When we arrived at the festival we set up our booth. We had a kids table for crafts on one side of the booth and a information set up as well as a prize wheel on the other side. Hot Guy and I were working the prize table initially and my two female coworkers (Boss and another girl) were working the crafts with the volunteer.
The volunteer didn't say a word while working with the girls. We figured he was just shy around women (as am I). We switched sides at the mid-way point, and Hot Guy and I decided to just make the volunteer feel included. This was the mistake.
We talked to him, tried to get to know him, joked around with him, and just tried to make him feel like one of the crew. When the event ended we dropped him off at the zoo so he could get his bike.
When I got home, I got an email that said "You made a new friend." The volunteer contacted Hot Guy and me through our boss asking for our numbers and emails.
I started getting emails to hang out, and I explained that I was working most the time, and the area in which he lives, and where I work, is about an hour away. I just want to go home after a day's work. He said it was ok and that he understood.
I guess he didn't because he started to call me on a set schedule - 9 a.m., Noon, 9 p.m. for about a month. He always asked when I could hang out, ride bikes, watch a movie, and of course, make a movie.
Eventually that stopped. Then he sent Hot Guy and me an email stating that he had been released of his volunteer position at the zoo regarding a craigslist post involving the word children. He also stated that he's not allowed on zoo grounds any more. Now, I'm pretty sure employers don't release people just because of the word children. So I tried looking up the post and found that he wanted to make a porno and the word "children" was involved.
Since then he's been e-mailing us before every special event asking us if we'd like to hang out. We've been instructed by our bosses, and his former bosses, to not respond.
TL;DR: Co-worker and I tried to make a new guy feel welcome. We earned ourselves a creepy, obsessive, stalker.
NATAAAAN: What was the title going to be?
My money's on "Baby Animals Zoo: Fuck & Unite III - The Retaming
Wonderbolt_IceVein: That's a very good question. I like your idea. "The Zoo-files" is a favorite of mine. Perhaps it would be X-files themed. Much like a short story I wrote called "The Necro-files". Yes, it was about sexy corpses.
Hansll: No offense, but this keeps getting weirder.
Can I ask - did his (ex) boss get in touch with you? Or the other way around? And the Craiglist post - any more details?
Wonderbolt_IceVein: I've been instructed to tell my boss anytime this guy contacts me. My boss will in turn tell his ex-boss and she will talk to him.
As for the Craigslist post, it was being removed when I found it, so I was only able to piece together what I saw from the description when I searched for it. I honestly wish I did have more info so I didn't have to assume. I mean, maybe he just worded something poorly. But like I said, no employer would fire you just because you had the word children in your Craigslist post.
I like your name btw. I don't know why, but it just sounds good off the tongue.
Hansll: What did he used to do? And if she's an ex-boss, why is she still responsible for talking to him?
It certainly sounds bad. Porno and children are words that generally shouldn't go together. I mean, "Don't show children your porn collection" is about the only 'good' use I can think of. I'm sorry he's stalking you, though - I've had a little of that, and it's not fun. It sounds like he needs some help.
Oh, thanks. It's a slightly roundabout play on my real name, actually. I would have gone with just "Hansel", but that was taken.
So, here I am. Is your name a reference to something? When I saw it, I assumed some online gaming thing, but I don't play many games, so I'm not sure.
Wonderbolt_IceVein: All he really does it consistently contact Hot Guy and me. Though we've been instructed to report him, we've decided to just ignore him. There's really nothing my boss, nor his ex-boss, can do. He's more of an annoyance now, and we typically laugh it off. Unfortunately though, we do have to be cautious because you never know what somebody is capable of.
My name is a reference to my OC pony. He's part of the flying team, The Wonderbolts, in Equestria (MLP:FiM).
Hansll: Yeah. I'd be careful. I've had obsessive people be like that with me twice, and one of the times, it didn't end so well.
Ahh, okay. I've never actually seen MLP, so that didn't occur to me at all.
| 8 | 3 | |
1411248564 | 1411262815 | t3_2gze7i | t5_2to41 | 3 | Adulf_Hitlyr: TIFU by recognizing a class mate.
This is the perfect storm, honestly. The catastrophic day begins by me getting up and getting ready to go to school. Once I'm done all that, my mom and I make a plan to drop her off at her work, meanwhile I take the car to my school. Well we arrive at the intersection where I need to take a right in order to drop my mom off, but instead I recognize one of my class mates (we'll call him Justin). I completely disregard the fact that I have to drop my mom off, and follow Justin. My mom also didn't realize what happened; she must have forgotten that I was dropping HER off. We are about halfway to the school when I exclaim "Crap, I forgot to drop you off". At this point it's 8:06 and school starts at 8:15 thus I couldn't drop her off and make it to my school in time. So we make an agreement to let her have the car for the day. Everything from there goes on smoothly until 3:00
Skip to 3:00
I had cross-country practice right after school, and that is about 200 yards away from my school. I decide to walk (considering I didn't have the car) there and place my bags right underneath a tree. Usually my phone would be safe and sound inside my car. Anyway, we continue a practice when suddenly it rains. We were doing a hard day so I had no time to think about my phone. Then it starts to pour. It begins to pour so hard that practice gets canceled. That's when I remember where my iPhone is. I run to my bag to be welcomed by a pool of wetness. I immediately check my phone to see it malfunctioning. I panic, but realize I have to put it in rice, QUICK. I go home and put it in rice for 2 days.
My phone works now! It is all healed up! The camera is crisp, the software is smooth. HOW EXCITING?! I use the 44% of the battery I had left then I try to plug it in. Oh no. The plug would not fit in! I look inside to see a piece of rice. It is lodged like a cork in a wine bottle. I take it out only to realize that the pins inside the phone are all screwed up. My phone can not charge anymore. So ultimately what killed my phone was a piece of rice that rescued it in the first place. Now that's a horrible fuck up!
Glasgow_Bhoy: You could just take the phone for repair. The charging port can be fixed.
Adulf_Hitlyr: How in the world can I do this?
XBLOssia: Best guess would be go to an apple store.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411249987 | 1411280938 | t3_2gzgfb | t5_2to41 | 6 | Pm_me_dem_potatoes: Tifu by my using the Kinect.
This just happened like 5 min ago. I was playing forza horizon 2 on my dads profile when my brother wanted to play minecraft. After one more race I told him ok, so at the same time we both said x-box go to minecraft. It understood it as one drive instead and lemme tell you my dads one drive is not clean. Seeing a fully erect penis in a 60in flat screen is not as pleseant as it sounds. After nopping out of that we played minecraft pretending we didnt see that but I still can feel the awkwardness.
Tl; dr dont save yo dick pics in an x box one drive.
scimmione: Ehm......erase the pictures,for your mental healt.
Pm_me_dem_potatoes: Im dont want to see them again I can't
scimmione: Delete 'em.....just click "delete"(i don't have an X1,i dunno what's the button) and when it asks "Are you sure?" push A on "Yes".
It isn't hard!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411251499 | 1411252226 | t3_2gzipx | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by not knowing how to wear a skirt
okay, typically for this thread, it actually happened two years back. i was volunteering at y-peer, which is, in basic terms, a youth-peer network advocating for youth development and "increased access to information, knowledge, and services on sexual and reproductive health", as their website says. i was sixteen at the time and went to a one week summer training camp with other volunteer groups from 18 cities across the country.
fast forward to day 4 or 5 (i believe), we had to do a y-peer related play by our groups. in all honesty i cannot remember what our play was for the life of me, but i do remember that i had to wear a skirt and look formal for it. this is where i have to mention that my wardrobe consisted of ripped jeans, ripped stockings, shorts, tank tops, graphic tees, etc. and, by chance, just one tight black skirt with a zipper on the front that i hadn't worn before. so i put that skirt on, combined it with a distressed tee that i tucked in and converse shoes, gave myself a long look in the mirror and thought that this will do the job just fine.
and this is where i fucked up big time. *i had decided that it was a high-waisted skirt*. now, i've worn skirts perhaps no more than five times in my entire lifetime. i have no idea whether you're meant to wear a skirt the same way as you'd wear normal, low waisted shorts. no idea what a high-waisted skirt looks like, either, but i just decided that this particular skirt was one. i shared my room with eight other girls, i think, and they all just went on how cute/good/hot i look etc etc etc. so i assumed i was wearing it right. it *did* feel a bit short at times, but i'd just adjust it and carry on.
so, the evening rolls in and it's time for all the plays to be performed. the audience is approximately 200 people, there are two other groups backstage with my group. the lesbian girl i hooked up with last night is biting her lips and looking at me like she wants me for breakfast. her lesbian friend is staring at my legs so hard she's not even bothered that i notice. i can feel every male checking me out, and by this point i'm starting to question whether i look really damn good with skirts or i haven't shaved my legs properly. anyhow, it's our turn and we're being rushed on stage. i take my place, *naturally*, on a really high bar chair. our play went on for ten-ish minutes, after that i climb down the chair, and the room explodes with applause. we go backstage and we have people randomly popping in to compliment the shit out of us for our awesome play. it seems to me that me and my blonde friend are getting the most attention, but i decide i'm being too cocky and proceed to enjoy myself. i got more party invitations than there were actual parties, probably, and my lesbian hookup just walked in and gave me a hardcore passionate kiss in front of everyone in the room.
later on all the plays were over and done with and people were all over the place, meeting up with people from their groups, friends from other groups, roommates etc while preparing for the afterparty. me and one of my male friends decide to go to my room and grab some alcohol. i still adjust my skirt every two minutes, and while going up the stairs, i ask him to check out if it's too revealing when i'm going up stairs. i go all the way up and turn around to find him still at the bottom of the stairs in a hypnotic state. "am i flashing anything?" i ask while pulling my skirt down. *"everything"*, he whispers without blinking.
tl;dr - i wasn't aware that the skirt i presumed was high-waisted was *not* in fact high-waisted and probably flashed underbutt a few times while performing a play in front of 200 people.
MrBrokeIt: Never heard of underbutt but I have used the phase "sweaty undertittie".
nichnytsia: underbutt is just like an undertittie (not a sweaty one, though), but with a butt instead of a tittie. it comes up on google images so i haven't made it up (sadly)
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411253630 | 1411254672 | t3_2gzluo | t5_2to41 | 9 | cutelikeaids: TIFU by getting horseradish in my vagina.
This happened earlier today. I was making a large quantity of horseradish sauce from some I just dug up in of the garden. I had finished and at that point was long over due for a bathroom trip. I of course didn't think of washing my hands BEFORE I wipe...... thus getting horseradish in my lady bits when I did. This lead to me frantically trying to scoop cold sink water on the effected area but mostly getting it all over the floor and my pants so when I left the bathroom it appeared that I had pissed myself.
theking_yemma: Why didn't you take your trousers off and shower?
cutelikeaids: I was in a panic. Taking my clothing off and hopping in the shower was not conducive to the burning in my crotch. I need to rinse it out immediately.
theking_yemma: Actually, I know how you feel, I once got a Scotch Bonnet seed in my urethra. I had to wash it out in a public sink.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411251414 | 1411255802 | t3_2gziky | t5_2to41 | 3 | twinprime: TIFU by totaling my sister's car at 150000 miles
Smilee1: I'm sure your attention of taking pictures of your odometer while going 60 miles an hour had nothing to do with your wreck or otherwise reflect on your driving skills.
twinprime: I knew somebody was going to mention that. I took those pictures when I was still on the hutch, a few minutes before the accident.
Unlike texting I can take pictures without taking my eyes off the road, I'm not saying it's smart, But it wasn't the cause of the accident. That was my reckless driving on unfamiliar roads.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411247005 | 1411255732 | t3_2gzbn4 | t5_2to41 | 16 | theslobfather: TIFU by throwing my phone at my mates head
Last night, myself and a couple of friends headed down to the pub to play some pool and have a few beers. After staying there until closing, we decide to head back to my mates flat to play some drinking games, picking up a crate of beer en route in the taxi.
It is important to note now that my buddy's flat is on the 9th floor of a council estate block.
When we get to the flat we look for a pack of cards, but to our dismay we cannot find any. No problem, theslobfather has a Ring of Fire app on his phone. Rejoice! In my inebriated state I throw my phone at my mate but with a little too much force. He's smoking by the window and not really paying attention. It whacks him on the side of the head and we all start cracking up at my poor aim.
Now at this point I'm pretty pissed and not really aware of what's going on, I head for a leak and pick up another beer on my way back. On arriving at the table I ask my friend where my phone is as they're not playing Ring of Fire, he says he doesn't have it. Not a problem, it'll be on the floor somewhere near him.
Nah. We cannot find this phone anywhere. We ring the phone but we can't hear the ring tone or hear the vibration. I look for a minute or two and decide that it would be better to look in the morning as it's 3am and I'm pretty tired. I even look down out of the window to the floor below but we can't see anything down there but we guess that if it had fallen out of the window it wouldn't still ring. It's worth noting at this point that the flat really isn't that big at all and if it's in the flat then it won't be hard to find with some light and a sober mind. Good night.
I wake up around 9am and begin the search for my phone, I'm looking all around by the window but it's still playing the Houdini card. I ring it again from my mates phone and it rings but again we can't hear the ring tone and there's no vibration. I ring it again, straight to answer phone. Great, the battery has died, this is going to become a lot harder to find.
I rack my brains and decide that my last hope is to go downstairs and have a look for it outside. My friends laugh at me and call me an idiot but I'm thorough and I want my phone back.
I get downstairs and start looking around. I look around for a minute, nothing. I then look on the other side of a car. I see something. I spot my phone case. Dread fills my body and I feel my heart drop. Turns out when my phone hit my friend's head it bounced straight out of the window and fell 9 floors. It's the back of the phone case so I can't see the screen. I know I have to go over there, pick it up and turn it over. I know it's not going to be a pleasant sight. I know the phone is going to be damaged and it's gonna cost to get it repaired. I know that I'm an idiot. I stand there for about 15 seconds plucking up the courage, then I head over. I pick up my phone case.
THERE IS NO PHONE IN THERE! WHAT THE FUCK?! You've gotta be kidding me. It clicks in my head, some little pikey fucker has stolen my (most definitely) smashed up to pieces phone. They heard it ring this morning and nabbed it, turning it off straight away. They have stolen a useless phone. For. Fucks. Sake. This monumental bell end has stolen a phone that has fallen from 9 floors high. They've even had the cheek to taunt me by leaving the phone case there, filling me with false hope. I've never felt this stupid.
Needless to say my pals took great pleasure in my unfortunate situation.
Now I'm sat here 12 hours on from this moment. Ashamed at my stupidity and still none the wiser to the location of my phone. It's still turned off and apparently the Find my iPhone app only works if the phone's turned on. Great. I've made a lot of stupid drunken mistakes but this is without a doubt the worst one so far, today I truly did fuck up.
**TLDR; I drunkenly threw my phone at my mate, it bounced off his head and fell out of a window 9 floors high. My phone then got stolen but the thief left the phone case, taunting me.**
seraph77: lmao.. sounds like a story from my grade school.
There was this kid that was the brunt of our pre-teen bullying on the bus. I was never an instigator, but I can't say I ever did anything to help, so probably just as guilty.
Anyway, this kid is very awkward, and from his clothing, you could tell his family had next to nothing. He gets on the bus one day wearing this [engineer hat](http://i.imgur.com/CziQCmm.jpg). The 'cool kids' instantly start giving him hell, and you could tell by the way he reacted, that he thought this hat was the coolest thing since sliced bread.
It eventually results in one of them stealing his hat, and throwing it around the bus in a giant game off keep-away. Some kid was standing up for some reason, right next to the window, and someone says "hey Mark, think fast" and whips this hat at him full speed. The bill (or something) catches him squarely in the face and he goes down crying. This is about the time the driver intervenes.
She comes back, demanding to know what happened, and everyone is playing dumb, while Awkward Kid is blathering about his hat. Most of the participants instantly bond on a lie, and say there was never a hat. With a 10 to 1 vote, the driver finally sides with the bullies and tells AK to sit down and shut up.
He keeps pestering/pleading with the guys to give his hat back, but no one has it. At first everyone thought that someone else was just hiding it and keeping up the game, but by the end of the bus ride, it was pretty clear that no one had this hat.
AK gets off the bus crying and goes to school. Nothing eventful happened on the ride home, but the next day, his ghetto-fabulous mom is at the bus stop with him, and gets on with him and launches into an instant tirade about this hat. The driver is getting a full-on, hand in the face, 'oh uh-uh' tongue-lashing from this huge lady. She's refusing to get off the bus until someone comes up with this hat. All the bullies are scared of this lady, and no one says a word. Until this super quiet kid pops up from left field and says he saw it go out the window after it hit Mark.
Everyone's jaw dropped as they looked around at all the participants. We weren't evil kids, and surely didn't want to make this kid lose his hat that he thought the world of, but apparently it was long gone now.
There was a lot more drama involved, but apparently he and his mom (and whoever else) went out looking for that hat after the approximate location was pulled out of the guilty party members. They apparently found it, because within a couple days, he had the hat back on. It looked like it had been run over and sat in a gutter, but he still had it on. It still almost makes me misty to picture this kid wearing his prized possession in that state to this day.
theslobfather: That genuinely made me laugh, poor kid and his poor hat.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411253900 | 1411274864 | t3_2gzm81 | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking Viagra for the first time
I thought it would give me a rock hard boner for an hour or two then the boner would go away. I was right. Cozy, happy, good times.
But then it came back. And then it went away. Then it was back. Then it was morning.
Then it was time to take the kids to preschool dance class.
tl:dr When you take viagra for the first time, don't have stuff to do the next day. Everyone's body/metabolism is different.
Soap-On-A-Rope: Did you notice a comparable size gain with the viagra?
Teotwawki69: Why would there be any size gain? That's not what Viagra does.
[deleted]: Actually, he's not exactly wrong. Frankly, before last night I can't remember having a raging hardon that was so ridgid (initially autocorrected to "turgid" and I almost didn't change it) since I was a teen.
Not just a boner but a BONER. It ached a little in an uncomfortable way just like I vaguely remember from decades past. It's not like I whipped out a ruler, but it was by no means an easy task to tuck it under my belt. Been a while since that happened. A long while.
Phideaux81: So basically what the Morning Wood Fairy leaves when she doesn't finish the job? I know that feeling, some day ima catch that fairy and make her finish what she started!
| 5 | 9 | |
1411257122 | 1411262591 | t3_2gzqqw | t5_2to41 | 4 | joshtheboss92: TIFU by taking a big dirty poop
So.. I was on my merry way home a few days ago, when I noticed my stomach grumbling with the power of a thousand cheeseburgers. I get to the house and make haste to the toilet tower and unleash hell upon that poor ceramic bowl like it's no body's business! I wipe, I flush, wash up and work my way out. Then all of a sudden, my friend calls me to come over and visit as they are leaving for Alberta in the morning. I said sure, so off I went.
I have a few beers and am generally having a good time, but I do have to work in the morning and I'm a little hungover so I decide to be responsible and head home.
I walk in the door and my roommate is glaring at me and I couldn't understand why at first. So I asked him, "what's up?". And he told me to go look at the living room. There were buckets everywhere, the ceiling caved in one little spot and my roommate apparently had to pick up all my shit water off the ground after he was done plunging a full toilet (which in turn, spilled over) of devils cocktail.
Tldr: pooped, toilet plugged, roommate plunged, shit everywhere and caved ceiling
Needless to say, they don't like me very much
AtomsNamedJeff: You owe your roommate dinner for a month. :)
joshtheboss92: Haha I'm going to have to do something for him before I leave this place in a few days!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411259553 | 1411290527 | t3_2gzu5p | t5_2to41 | 21 | whydoyoutry: TIFU by violently ripping out my urinary catheter
To make a long story short, I have urinary retention and had to have a urinary catheter. After the initial insertion, I was completely fine. The anesthesia honestly made me feel a bit euphoric. This made the nurse comfortable with leaving me alone for a bit. However, a couple minutes after she left, I suddenly started to hallucinate. I felt very frightened, and I had a growing need to pull the catheter out ASAP. I was still under anesthetic, so I did not care about how it felt. I gripped the catheter as hard as I could, and yanked it out. The nurse came in immediately, and they had to put me under. Now I'm finally awake and I am in the worst pain imaginable. My entire lower half feels on fire. I am worried that I have done permanant damage to my urethra.
readitredditwroteit: most important question...what were you hallucinating about that frightened you enough to pull it out?....
Also, it is recorded that some men pass kidney stones larger than the width of the catheter,so your urethra should be fine
Imthedaddy11: but the balloon that holds it in is like the size of a baby's fist, and that would destroy your kidneys so...
TheodoorfromJaffa: Dear goodness!
Imthedaddy11: yeah
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1411260615 | 1411261851 | t3_2gzvo0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by helping my roommate
This happened between 2-4 AM today.
My roommate calls and wakes me up at 2AM saying someone stole his keys. Ok whatever I got no problem burning some gas to drive a half hour to give him his spare Motorcycle key.
Then I'm following him home because I notice he took a different route than I was going to and I was curious.
Things go smoothly as expected and we get to a point of construction on the freeway, 4 lanes turn into one. It is stop and go and I see some headlights coming behind me in my rear view. They are going pretty fast....then I realize there is no way they're going to be able to stop and in this traffic there is no where I can go, so I just push the brakes tight and get rear ended hard.
Now I have to wait for my insurance to contact his and wait for some body work on my car, all because I wanted to hep my roommate.
Harvick4Pats11: You pushed the brakes tight??!! Are you an idiot. Lucky you didn't get injured. And your an asshole selfish friend.
Cichlid78: Well technically you should have left more space between you and the car ahead of you. Also, you should let off the brake to lessen the impact of the crash. That's what he was getting at, but maybe not the right way. Glad you guys are ok though!
| 3 | 1 | |
1411261189 | 1411286295 | t3_2gzwez | t5_2to41 | 76 | yanbu: TIFU By Washing A Tarp Covered In Moose Blood In My Backyard
So I went hunting and got a moose. After getting back from the butcher's shop I had a tarp with a bunch of blood on it, so I washed it off with a hose in the back yard.
[This](http://imgur.com/xWN0GWg) was the result!!! I have been overrun by bears.
jonb622: I don't ever want to stay at your house.
yanbu: Haha, they all ran off when I went out to chase them away. They started chewing on the vents to the drainfield (the white thing sticking up in the picture) so they had to go. I've never seen that many in one spot before, was pretty cool.
S0rch3r: They just couldn't bear to be there any longer.
Xiexe: *insert clever pun about bears here*
S0rch3r: The picture was just panda-monium.
Xiexe: It was a great pandarama, I guess you could say. *sigh*
| 7 | 10.857143 | |
1411260939 | 1411262544 | t3_2gzw2o | t5_2to41 | 10 | KrazyKripples: TIFU by trying to hug a crazy girl
Today I visited my dad at his mental institution (he had a breakdown long story) and the crazy girl across the hall from him joined us. She and I have talked a few times and she seems nice. Crazy, but nice. So today she told me that she will sit and talk with my dad (hes catatonic so whatever). I thought it was nice someone other than me was spending time with my dad. I thanked her and tried to give her a hug. She literally openly rejected the hug and then walked away slowly talking to herself and then sat in the grass alone and breathed all crazy slow and loud. I took my dad upstairs and I didn't see her when I left.
TL;DR TIFU by trying to hug a girl at a mental institution and she rejected me and flipped out
Edit: We had hugged prior to this so it wasn't out of the ordinary for it to happen.
Syn_Claire: Some people dislike having their private bubble invaded, especially strangers, crazy or not.
KrazyKripples: But what was odd was we had hugged before a few times.
Syn_Claire: Oh. You never mentioned, I just thought this was the first time you've hugged her. Either way, who knows :/
KrazyKripples: Oh thanks for pointing that out. I should edit that in. Yeah I think she has multiple personality disorder.
Syn_Claire: Makes sense, My brother is bipolar, and sometimes he's completely fine with me hugging him or even smiling at him, and sometimes he just freaks out :l
KrazyKripples: I'm sorry to hear that. It's a shame that modern science isn't more reactive to issues like those.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1411263601 | 1411266114 | t3_2gzzoy | t5_2to41 | 5 | Veganheathen420: TIFU house sitting for my boss and may be fired by another boss for other reasons.
Please excuse formatting and typos, I'm on my phone. This post is long and businessy.. but at least no sex or bodily fluids involved.
So this actually happened Today WooHoo! but I should give some backstory first.
I'm a production manager that heads the large format department at a print company. For the last few months we have been implementing a new system to better track production flow, pricing, inventory, and it even times how long each task takes in each process involved in a project. I was more than stoked upon hearing this as our previous system was from our old location before we expanded. It was extremely outdated and easy to bypass. Jobs got lost and pricing was overtly randomized and sales reps took advantage. But I digress....
When the system was first installed we were told to watch the instructional videos and to begin inputting the necessary information to sync the system with our departments. Within the first two videos I realized that they were as worthless as a peso in a taco bell in Texas.
So I called a meeting with my fellow department heads and managers to discuss how they were coming along with their part of the system. Everyone agreed that it raised more questions than answers. We agreed that we should have a training session with the IT person (whom is heading the integration of the system throughout the whole company) to meet over the weekend or after the office to close, for training.
When approached he told us he could not meet outside of office hours and that we would have to come to him one on one for any questions we may have. Now normally I'm down to get paid to sit and do something different from my normal tasks, but over the last few months we have lost three employees in several departments. I am one of few people who can cover in these areas, so I have been trying my best to help as many departments as possible. But I may have spread myself too thin doing so. I have worked in every position in this company other than graphic design and IT. And still try to broaden my skills. lately I have tried my hand in sales to help gain new accounts or more work from current clients as we have lost some accounts this year.
But to today's fuck up...
I have been house sitting for our companies vice president for the last three days and he was to arrive home today. He likes me to walk the dog and I enjoy doing it so I normally take her out whenever I get the chance. But these last couple of days I've been running around looking for a new place to live and dealing with losing some friends over coming out of the closet a couple weeks back. But even still I would head straight to his huse for the dog right ater work and play with her outside, feed her along with the fish and fill her Water bowl. I wold then head out and run errands and be back around 8:30 to let the dog out and then hit the hay to rest up for work. Rinse repeat.
Last night I get a text from our GM that there were some pricing discrepensies that were found in my departments inventory. I had warned them about this 4 weeks back when they supplied me with various prices for single substrates. But I neglected to deliver my warning through email or other traceable outlets. .. I instead mentioned it verbally in a meeting.
I was asleep when the message from the GM was sent so I read it this morning. I immediately panicked because of other minor errors that have been viewed as detrimental in the last month. Being in the flustered state I was in I forgot to fill the dogs water bowl while feeding her this morning. I'm sure she had some left over from the night before as usual but i didn't notice. After she ate I took her outside for potties and to watch the fish in the pond to try and wrap my head around the whole situation. Well the good puppy that she is noticed I was stressed and decided to play with me! And boy did we have fun! After a half hour or so of running around the yard we headed inside to get get her the usual post potty cookie. After she got her cookie I began locking up the house and giving everything one last check. Except the water bowl..... I don't know how I missed it. I'm sure she killed whatever water was left in the bowl (if any) after the play sesh we had.
I finish grabbing all my stuff and making the bed I was staying in and head out the door after saying goodbye to the pup.
Around 3:30 I get a furious string of texts from my boss. The leashes hadn't been touched and the water bowl was dry. I was shocked. I could believe I had forgotten. He was pissed beyond belief and for a rightful reason. He told me he wouldn't need my services any more and to not expect money (obviously) .
I fucked up reddit. He trusted me. He let me use his car while he was away to drive to work so that I could save gas. He let me stay at his house, and I really appreciated it. especially with everything I have going on with my friends, roommates and general home life.
I don't know how I could be so absent minded and negligent, it's so out of character for me.
I FUCKED UP
1TheRooster1: You spelled house wrong
Kroenen97: After all that reading...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411263700 | 1411265816 | t3_2gzzt7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by taking a time-lapse of my dick
This actually happened today, a few minutes ago actually. I had just gotten the new iphone update and was messing around with some new stuff it had when i noticed the time lapse feature. Clearly the next step would be to take a time lapse of my dick...with my door unlocked. After about 15 minutes i heard my door swing open, my mom got a full view of me spread out in my bed with my phone pointed at my flaccid dick. She quickly shit the door and asked if i needed anything from the stoor. I am currently waiting for her to return with my gatoraid.
SpeckleDorf9000: Shut, store, Gatorade learn to spell
I mean really... she "Shit the door" wouldn't that hurt like "shit"
taco_the_town: TIFU by shitting a door.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411263262 | 1411269497 | t3_2gzz8d | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to a party
Im visiting the city where I originally grew up. Its friday night, Im at home, bored with nothing to do. An old friend of mine invites me to tag along with him to a house party. (actually an apartment). We get there and its a Biker party, tattoos, blow ,strippers and booze everywhere. I walk in and the whole party stops . At this point 30 big tattooed dudes are all staring a hole thru me. I don't blame them, I understood why they tripped out . Im a 6 foot 6 300 pound guy thats not the same race as them,and im standing in the middle of there kitchen . They think im there to fuck with them. 5 of the guys come straight up to me and say who the fuck are you. I explain Im just tagging along with buddy and Im from out of town. I tell them my name and the biggest dude gets up and goes i Fuckin know you , (at this point i shit a brick thinking i must of beat this guy up before or something) he come right up to my face and goes what... u dont remember me.... what the fuck. ( im ready to throw down and take a beating at this point.) turns out, him and I used to play football together over 18 years ago, all good, everything's fine, nights going great. its late,almost 3am, I step outside for a cigarette and i run into another old friend that happens to live in the same building. Hes got some girls with him and invites me up to his place for a drink. I start chatting with this girl, we share a few lines of coke and head out to the balcony for a smoke. next thing you know her hands are all over me, were going at it making out groping each other and all that. she stops and says everyone can see us. we settle down and join the rest of our friends. i call my friend that I originally showed up with, hes still at the biker party, he joins us upstairs. he sees me talking to the girl from earlier. my friend interrupts us and pulls me aside and asks me if i realize who am talking to you. turns out that girls youngest brother was murdered by my cousin 10 years ago. and her older brother took revenge and killed my cousin a short time later and is know doing life in jail. the girl over herd and realized who i was and ran away crying
aceoflife25: What ethnicity are you BTW? Also that's a crazy scenario.
boss187911: latino
| 3 | 1 | |
1411261458 | 1411272036 | t3_2gzwsl | t5_2to41 | 18 | james007dude: TIFU - Bus Relationship
So every day i get the no. 56 bus from my house to work, i have done this route so many times for the past decade their is a common group of familiar people who all see each other every day. So for the past few weeks a new girl passenger join the group who lets just say was a good 9.5 and the usual men on the bus or definitely all thinking the same, after two weeks she finally sits next to me, i had thought about asking her for diner as i had earlier found out that she was single, so this opportunity would be too great to miss. So just as i was about to make conversation she says hey, to which i reply how she's doing two seconds pass and finally she says good, im thinking right lets pop the question; out it flows and no reply, i ask again and still no reply. I then i look over to her phone where it shows an active call and her with her headphone/mic lead in use. That was when i realised she wasn't talking to me at all, that was the day i never took that bus route again.
rilynn: /r/PointlessStories
ProfessorWhom: /r/PointlessComments
| 3 | 6 | |
1411264268 | 1411295344 | t3_2h00ko | t5_2to41 | 41 | jorgejimz: TIFU by losing a fake coral snake at my place.
This just happened yesterday; I'm a biologist undergrad and I usually work with venomous or poisonous animals (check my posts if you want to) like scorpions, snakes and insects; anywaaaay:
Day before yesterday I took a group of freshmen boys and girls to the field, to teach them how to identify dangers out there, how to handle them, etc etc, and then, we ran into a true beauty: * [Rhinocheilus lecontei](http://www.wildsonora.com/sites/default/files/image-content/rhinocheilus-lecontei.jpg) *, it's a fake coral snake, we took photos of her and handled her, we proceed to keep going and everything was just fine.
Thing is I took the snake with me, there are some people that work with me that needed one for their thesis; so I just thought "hey, jorgejimz, you'll just have it one night at your place, what could possibly go wrong?"
Lol, it went wrong.
I still live with my parents, so when I got home, showed her to them (they went insane, explained everything was cool though) and proceeded to put her somewhere safe to spend the night, and where she couldn't escape. I was really really tired, so I just took a bath and went to my bed right away.
Woke up, first thing I do is go and check this beauty queen and **SURPRISE!** she ain't there...
Been looking for her like crazy, checked *everywhere* and still nothing.. My dad doesn't know yet and he's really, *really* scared of snakes.
blondeamy: I'm confused. Why is it a big deal if you lose a fake snake? It's fake, it doesn't matter, right?
Maxed2k0: Well by fake snake he probably meant that it's a snake that looked like the original one but isn't the coral snake because it's too venomous to show it in class? Or maybe its just the same of the snake.
blondeamy: So what he meant to say is that the snake is in fact REAL but isn't venomous.
KatzOfficial: But is the coral real?
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1411265496 | 1411329435 | t3_2h026r | t5_2to41 | 9 | bbqmidgets: TIFU by ditching my crush at 3am
First post on reddit so..
A little bit of backstory, I've been suffering from severe migraines so I've been sleeping awfully early for the past few days (10-11ish).
So my crush and I have this thing where on the last night of the holidays, we would talk throughout the night and eventually fall asleep at around 5.30 or 6am.
Given my recent medical pains, I forgot to stay up last night, having promised her I would. The next thing I know is she had spent the night skyping with another guy friend, who turned out to have a thing for her.
tl;dr ditched crush on all nighter, another lad swooped in to claim her
lunar-landscape: Is she really even worth it? For her to straight up just talk to some other dude? Find a girl who is just as in to you, brah. Goodluck with it regardless tho
bbqmidgets: I've been going for her for 3 years. Just got out of the frindzone. Hoping to see where I might land in soon
dat_karp: If you've been trying for three years to no avail, I think it's time to move on, or put your dick on the table for the world to see.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411264569 | 1411271027 | t3_2h00ya | t5_2to41 | 3 | Punk45Fuck: TIFU Pea Soup
Tried making pea soup. Didn't have the ingredients. Said, "screw it" and threw a lot of random crap in. Cooked the bejeezus out of it. Now I have flavorless pea mush. It is the blandest thing I have ever eaten. It has literally no flavor. I put ketchup on it and it just tastes of ketchup. I call it "Pea-mageddon"
jonb622: Should have used sriracha. Makes everything better.
Punk45Fuck: I did. It didn't work.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411267844 | 1411274575 | t3_2h05gr | t5_2to41 | 14 | HeliumTankAW: Tifu by asking my husband to hug me and say thank you once in a while.
Now my relationship might be at an end. It turned into a huge fight that has lasted all day. Highlights are he shouldnt have to be grateful because Im home all day and he works. I take care of our 8 month old all day. We also have a 6 yr old. He says he comes home to a "filthy" house which hurt me deeply. I may not have time to keep everything perfect but our home is in no way ever filthy. I dont eat during the day because there simply isnt time but apparently I should be doing more. I am heartbroken and hurt and dont know what else I could be doing. Im up before everyone every morning and am the last one to bed. I am crushed. I shouldnt have said anything.
HeliumTankAW: We have been so happy hes my soul mate. At least until I said this now apparently my feelings dont matter. I dont know what the fuck to do. He says Im living a "dream" staying home. Truth is Id much rather work 8 hours and come home to zero responsibility than being the 24 hr maid Ive become.
joekerr37: THIS right here is the problem. Each of you thinks the other has it easy.
So try reversing the situation in your head. Imagine that he came home (after you've had a long day with the kid and doing all the things you do during the day) and walks through the door and says "I wish you'd hug me and say thank you once in a while." You also might react with a "WTF?!"
See, from his perspective he just spent the day working (sounds like at a job he doesn't like), and when he finally gets out of that hell hole he comes home and gets shit on (not saying this is what you were doing, merely how he might have taken it) that he doesn't hug you enough or thank you enough.
And so he lashed out.
The problem is that you each think the other has it easy (it's clear from your comments this is what you think regarding his work day).
So long as the two of you have this attitude (and he's just as much to blame, because it looks like he thinks you have it easy at home), you're going to be at each other's throats.
You can either both support and appreciate each other in the struggles you go through or you can turn on each other, choice is up to you guys.
Smi77y: Deep and accurate.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1411269114 | 1411498642 | t3_2h0766 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Lyra7419: TIFU by not reading what my crush wrote
So... when I was 15 (yeah, another "not Today I Fucked Up" story, I'm sorry.) I had this huge crush that I had met in a 3-week-vacation camp. Anyway, I ended up tellong my feelings on the last day, she rejected me and I just kinda get depressed. I had unfriended her from Facebook because I didn't want her stuff showing up on my feed, but, after about 5 months, my best friend decided it would be funny if he sent her an request. I never knew he sent it until the day I saw she had accepted it.
MY MIND BLEW UP! At first I was confuse because, well, I didn't sent anything. But, after a few seconds, I realized she wanted to have a relationship with me! So, since I could never find her online, I just sent basically a "Hey, why did you add me? I still want to be a friend of yours, and I obviously don't have feelings for you, but.... why?" Kinda weird, because as soon as I saw it, she logged in. I freaked out and went to take a shower to give her time to reply. When I was back to my computer, it was just there. *message seen at random night time.* So I got mad and wrote stuff like "Wow, thanks for the reply! I asked you to reply and you didn't? I thought you weren't the kind of person who would do this. Also, why the fuck did you add me on the first place?" And she shortly replied with "It would be nice if you had read my reply." I scrolled up. She had replied to my first message, and, the worst of all, it was she saying that she thought I was a good guy and that we should be friends. So... yeah. We did settle this down though, and we became friends for a while until I fucked up again. But that is another story
**TR; DR** Re added crush on facebook, texted her "Why did you accept the request", thought she didn't reply and wrote a hate message. She did reply
SkittyLover93: I'll be honest, if I was the girl in the situation, my response would be "please don't ever talk to me again".
It sounds like you have pretty major trust or anger issues, because you automatically assumed the worst about her, even though this is someone whom you like a lot. People don't normally assume that their friends want to fuck with them. You also didn't consider alternatives, like that maybe she was thinking about how to phrase her reply.
In the future, I suggest asking for the other person's side of the story in a non-accusatory way. Like, "Hey, I noticed you saw my message but didn't reply, what's up?" After all, you don't know that you always have the complete story.
buzzlove95: Right right. Because that's why she immediately said something then? If you look at a message you can goddamn reply like that. Don't act like you haven't looked at a message(especially one confronting you and directly asking for a response) and thought " oh let me get right back to that"
SkittyLover93: I don't really understand your reply. What's the main point you are making?
> If you look at a message you can goddamn reply like that.
Are you referring to OP or the girl?
> Don't act like you haven't looked at a message(especially one confronting you and directly asking for a response) and thought " oh let me get right back to that"
Do you mean that I am likely to reply immediately or to delay before replying?
buzzlove95: I was saying that if I was in that situation I would not think " oh she's saw the msg but something came up she must be busy and will come back to it later"
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1411264167 | 1411286405 | t3_2h00g2 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Chaos_Quint: TIFU by blowing my nose
Happened a couple of months ago and it is pretty tame in comparison to a lot of other stories. I was catching the train home from work, middle of winter, cold. I get off the train and peak hour is done and only a few other people get off. From the station I cross some lights and walk down a main road and turn off down a less busy side road. As I am crossing the road there is a young lady in front of me, early 20’s and tiny thing. I cross against the lights and we are now both on the same side of the road walking towards the street I turn down. Unfortunately it was one of those scenarios where our steps are in sync. I can’t speed up to pass her and I am about 5 steps behind her and not gaining, just two strangers about 5 steps apart walking in the same direction.. on a dimly lit almost deserted road.
She starts doing a couple of little cheeky head checks over her shoulder to see what I am doing and clearly she is uncomfortable with the scenario. There isn't a heap of traffic and it is dark now, I am wearing a heavy winter coat and must weigh 3 times more than her. From her perspective it would definitely be a cause for concern, alert and alarmed. The more we walk the more I can feel the tension... I have a bit of a cold and am carrying tissues. I consciously thought to myself that if I blow my nose it will alleviate this built up tension between us. I don’t know why but I figured if I was about to murder or rape someone I wouldn't be blowing my nose, that seemed really logical.
So I get out my tissue and blow my nose. But there isn't really enough snot to make the noise I desire so I enhance it somewhat with my mouth and nose in combination and what results is a guttural sort of groan/growl. I have my headphones in and I still hear it so it was far louder than it needed to be. She literally bursts into a quick short sprint. I don’t know if she called out or not because of my headphones but I imagine she was startled enough to cry out.
The poor girl ran a few steps before looking over her shoulder and seeing I was not pursuing her. In fact, I just stood there, shocked, tissue in my hand. She stopped sprinting but quickened her pace considerably and then turned down the exact street I was aiming for. I just stood there and waited, there was no way after scaring the shit out of her that I would then follow her down an even more dimly lit and scary side street. I waited a few minutes before taking the turn down the street. She was gone or hiding.
I have stopped catching that same train from work for fear of seeing her again. It has really messed up my travel time and routine.
Mouchisinnocent: Shit mate, listen I doubt she will recognize you all too well if you saw her again, and it would probably only make things better if you attempted to apologize and tell her you were not persuing her and had attempted to make it seem as if you weren't.
TheodoorfromJaffa: But if she does recognize him wouldn't that freak her out even more?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411269492 | 1411347726 | t3_2h07o9 | t5_2to41 | 111 | SillyGirrl: TIFU By trying some reddit-suggested moves in the bedroom. NSFW
So, I'm sure you all read the front page askreddit thread from yesterday: 'What makes a guy awesome in the bedroom?', or something of that nature. My SO and I were up late, and we had a good time reading through the thread together. About half-way through, we are reading posts about people asking how to give good cunnilingus.
Now let me preface this by saying that my SO is amazing in bed. He knows what and how I like things, and I *hopefully* know how to please him as well. We are both perfectly content with each other and our bodies. That being said, we are also both always up for trying something new.
So, we are reading these posts and we stumble across this very NSFW video on how to eat a girl out, and so naturally we watch it. Through the whole thing we are both like: "oh.. hmm.. OH... well that's different!" Needless to say, even as a woman I learned some new things as well, even for masturbating. Watching the video obviously gets us a little, ahem, interested... in trying these new things out. We were already planning to go to pound town later that night, so we agreed to try out some of the new moves we learned.
Fast forward about 30 minutes and things start getting a little hot an heavy between us. He is trying these new moves with his hands but we are both a little unsure as it's our first time trying them out. We shrug it off and decide to move to the next stuff on our 'list' which involves him going down for a tuna taco.
So, he already has one hand down on my lady parts, and starts to transition, VERY QUICKLY between laying next to me to laying down in front of me. As he does this, he bumps, HARD, into the computer chair which was close to the end of our bed. As he does this, he kind of trips forward I guess, and ends up stabbing/jamming his finger straight into one of my lady lips, HARD. All I could feel was his finger nail stabbing me in the very sensitive, very aroused area down there. The force was so great that his fingernail did a type of stabbing/slicing motion halfway down the inside of my labia. Needless to say, I immediately start SOBBING and shaking because it hurt so badly. He is apologizing profusely and trying to hold me and I couldn't stop crying for a good 5 minutes. Seriously, one of the most unexpected, painful things ever. Not to mention, halfway through my tears I started simultaneously laughing because of how silly the whole situation was, which confused him even more.
So today, I am still in a lot of pain from that, not to mention sore from the new 'moves' we learned. (Apparently you can stimulate the clit by pinching the lips around it, which was fun at first but now my whole vagina feels bruised). So, thanks for all the tip yesterday guys, but from now on I may stick to what I already know and love. ;)
SillyGirrl: [NSFW link](http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=103104479) to the video if anyone is interested.
Thanks /u/MarcyRunkle
LurkerNoMore2014: After watching the video and re-visualizing your story, I just want to thank you for the laugh. In sure by now there an inside joke between you two about this. :)
SillyGirrl: He's still in apology mode for now, but yea it is definitely funny in retrospect. :)
Bradd72: He will be apologizing for a long time...
| 5 | 22.2 | |
1411271433 | 1411355322 | t3_2h0a8m | t5_2to41 | 8 | Swiftii: TIFU by kissing a close friend
We were at a movie so I went for it. She won't talk to me and told all her friends and I keep getting texts fromthem about it
MartyMartinez33: Did she stop talking to you right after you kissed her? Did she show signs that you wanted to kiss her? How did she react after you did? Trust me these things are important
Swiftii: She told me she wanted to get with me over the summer. We flirted all Friday. During the movie she put her head on my shoulder texting on my phone... so I went for ut
doggiechewtoy: Wow, then I don't think you did anything wrong. She is second guessing herself, not your fault.
Swiftii: Yea trust me, my other guy friend and I (double date), we were so fucking confused
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1411276306 | 1411384558 | t3_2h0g5o | t5_2to41 | 803 | ford_f150: TIFU by jerking off with the pool vacuum [NSFW]
OK, so here it goes. Yes, i have jerked off in a lot of places. I was a horny fucking teenager, yo.
At my parents old house we had an in-ground swimming pool with one of those vacuums that rolled around the pool constantly. Being 15 year old me, I had already known about putting your dick up against those things in the side of the pool that blow water or air or whatever and how good that shit felt. However, i had always wondered about the vacuum.
The vacuum looks like this: http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/th/aplus/polaris-B002HRET6A-280-main-lg.jpg and at the bottom there was this hole that was kinda wide towards the bottom, but was this pyramid shape leading to a small cylindrical opening that sucked up all the leaves and shit in the pool.
One day when my parents were both gone for the day, i went outside and 'went for a swim'. When I was a kid I was afraid of these fuckin vacuum things so this shit was some balls-out bravery for me. I grabbed the vacuum and looked at the bottom of it. I didnt know if i could do it all the way or not. I stuck my finger in the hole, it was *perfect*. How the vacuum works, is there's two jets that shoot water toward the top of the cylinder. So basically, if you can imagine, a long cylinder with two jets in the middle on the sides of the cylinder that are shooting towards the top of the cylinder. Giving enough suck and movement for it to feel good but not enough to rip your dick off.
I went to fucking TOWN on that vacuum. The wheels wanting to move and shit made it a bit fuckin hard but holy shit, it was probably the closest I ever got to actually getting my dick sucked. Not only did the suction feel fucking AMAZING, but the jets shooting on my 15 year old cock made it like a fucking massager. It was literally as if this thing was designed for jerking off with, i couldn't believe nobody else had figured this out. I probably fucked it for 2 hours straight, and my skin was pretty much pruned for a solid 4 hours afterwards.
Well up comes next week, and the pool cleaner guy comes around and notices that the pool is dirty as fuck. Apparently he looked in the vacuum and it was completely clogged. "Clogged full of what?", you might ask... No, not semen. Pubic hair. Mother fucking 15 year old completely never-shaved-in-my-life fucking pubic hair. And holy fuck was it clogged. The suction and grinding obviously ripped off quite a bit down there. My mom confronted me and asked how that hair got there. Being the dumbass 15 year old I was "uhhh, maybe [our dog] went swimming or something when you let her out and you know how her hair sheds..". She just took that as an answer and let it go, seemingly.
She totally fucking knew.
**TL;DR**: Found out the pool vacuum is fucking awesome to fuck. Pubes got clogged in vacuum. Pool guy found it. Mom confronted me. She totally fucking knew.
WeeOtter: You should read a story called Guts by Chuck Palahniuk.
HodorsWhore: Story time.
I was walking the streets of Chicago reading this beautifully crafted short story to my best friend. This was last fall, so she had her uggs and pumpkin spice latte from sbucks. I'm reading with a purpose, reading it with style.
I was spilling my coffee.
She kept listening. Her face was transforming from a simple look of interest, to confusion, to disgusted, to sick.
In front of a CVS she leans over and returns the pumpkin spice latte to the gutter where it belonged.
Guts - 1 her - 0
myawkwardalt: Why does spilling coffee make your friend sick? Sorry if this is a retarded question and the answer is right in front of me, I just don't understand
HodorsWhore: I responded elsewhere in this thread. I am much more retarded.
| 5 | 160.6 | |
1411275510 | 1411279682 | t3_2h0fb7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By lifting up my table top
So this happened like 2 minutes ago.
I own chickens & am baby sitting some chickens.
The chickens I baby sit only lay like 1 a day because they're so young not all are laying. And since I had other animals to care for, when I grabbed their egg I just set it on the coffee table, went back outside and forgot about it.
Yeah well I needed nail clippers, lifted up my coffee table and now I have egg on my carpet.
Anyone know how to get egg out of carpet?
Skiddlywingles: Maybe I'm just too high to understand this
CochinBrahmaLover: Own chickens.
Baby sitting chickens.
Chickens I'm baby sitting lay 1 egg.
Come inside, set egg on coffee table.
Go back outside to pick my chickens eggs since there's multiple of them, as well as to care for my other birds.
Come back inside.
Lift up coffee table.
Egg rolls on carpet.
Now I have yolk on my carpet.
Me sad ]:
Skiddlywingles: Oh!
:,( sorry to hear about that
CochinBrahmaLover: Yeah my writing is terrible cause I'm tired haha.
I'm sad too. I have no idea how to get yolk out of carpet...
Skiddlywingles: http://www.ehow.com/how_10039966_egg-yolk-stain-out-carpet.html
:3
CochinBrahmaLover: Yeah I found that but I don't have dish detergent. Or peroxide.
Thanks though. I need to go shopping. I just used regular cleaner and hope its not noticeable 'cause I have a dark rabbit....
(:
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1411277474 | 1411352974 | t3_2h0hg5 | t5_2to41 | 27 | tangerineman: TIFU by exposing myself on chatroulette
I've recently discovered the camera on my laptop so I've gone on chatroulette a few times. And I haven't been masturbating while on it (I live in close quarters, and I'm not risking getting caught like that) but I'd like to be. Anyways, I came across some chick, she wanted me to show her my dick and then she would talk to me on skype.
I had nothing better to do. So I showed her my flaccid penis. She agreed to talk on skype. I naively thought I'd get to see her tits and then it'd end right there. But she turned out to be a blackmailer, that's right a dark skinned mailman.
She threatened to share my dick with friends on facebook. I forgot to mention she asked me for my facebook so she could call me on skype, I didn't friend her facebook. Up to this point my brain had been blocking all the clear signs that this bitch was gonna fuck me over. Well she wants $200. I freaked out at first, but decided to do what I can. So I unfriended my siblings on facebook; they're the only ones I really don't want to find out. Deactivated facebook. I don't think doing any of that actually would've helped though. And so far that's where I'm at right now.
It happened a couple of hours ago. I like to think that the blackmailer never did it. But I won't know until someone contacts me. No I didn't pay her $200, that's ridiculous.
TL;DR Showed a blackmailer my dick on chatroulette, she threatened to share it, I let her.
Edit: She wanted my facebook so she could call me on skype, not meant to befriend me.
edit dos: It's been over 12 hours from the incident and no one has said anything to me yet, I'm gonna assume I'm in the clear and go on with my life. If you find a usra.jaloa on chatroulette, tell her I'll wait for her
Landredr: If your face was never shown with your dick then you can ignore it. Most people won't care when it's JUST a penis with a name. Not to mention she's probably bluffing. Doing it is like shooting your hostage.
tangerineman: She showed me the video, it shows my face. I'm just gonna ignore it and act like she didn't unless someone asks me. Then I'll tell the story. I'm not gonna let that bother me.
Landredr: Good mindset. Its really silly how big a deal people make of other's genitals. When it becomes clear you're not going to play her game she'll move on.
tangerineman: Well I'm more embarrassed by the fact that I would show my dick to some person on the internet. But, yeah, I can admit when I fell for something stupid.
Landredr: Nah don't be embarrassed dude. People make too big a deal about other people's genitals. Imagine if it were taboo to let people see your tongue.
tangerineman: I'm not embarrassed by that. It's that I showed it to some random person on the internet. Which makes it more revolting than if it was an accident.
Landredr: Even to a stranger. It could have been way worse.
| 8 | 3.375 | |
1411278156 | 1411386747 | t3_2h0i77 | t5_2to41 | 11 | oddw0lf: TIFU by trying to buy weed from someone who set me up
So it was near the end of my 7 hour shift tonight when some kid from high school messaged me asking me if I needed weed. Idiotically, I said I did want some, and I agreed to meet him behind Walmart after work.
I get there, go to the back seat of the car he was in, and he asks me how much money I am spending, etc. suddenly, out of LITERALLY NOWHERE, I get yanked out of he car by my hair and thrown onto the concrete, where a girl who I went to school with punched me in the eye, slammed my head on the ground a few times, and punched my skull.
After about 20 seconds of that it was over and she walked back to the car and they drove off.
She did this because someone I dated 2 years ago said horrible things to that girl about her dad who recently passed..
Yeah, so my eye fucking hurts and I'm pretty sure it's gonna be black in the morning and there's quite a few bumps on my head.
JPAPKILLA: You got beat up by a girl, LOL!
oddw0lf: I am a girl.. Lol.
pulsefrequency: Learn to fight bitch, don't let people fuck you up like that
IamFUNNIERthanU: She was caught by surprise.
pulsefrequency: Yea and next time she gets caught by surprise maybe she won't get the shit beat out of her
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1411279323 | 1411281564 | t3_2h0jdh | t5_2to41 | 8 | Drtypiratehooker: TIFU by peeing out of my butt.
So this was yesterday and onto today. I had a headache, and decided to take some old excedrin. Little to my knowledge, the excedrin gods poison the pills with an amplified amount of caffiene over time. So my headache went away, but i ended up on the toilet with both of my legs asleep most of the night. Damn Yous Excedrin!!
iridemyownthanks: well that's unfortunate!
Drtypiratehooker: Thank you for your support!
iridemyownthanks: Its the least I could do!! I am a nursing student who has been wiping asses all week and all I can say is I am thankful you arent my patient!!
Drtypiratehooker: As im sure your techniqe is great, I am still fully capable of wiping my own at this time. I think we can both agree to that.
iridemyownthanks: I think your ADL's are going great than!!
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1411278708 | 1411364231 | t3_2h0iqq | t5_2to41 | 44 | shift_happenstance: TIFU by hugging my little cousin
I was babysitting my three cousins and the middle one (8), my godson, was making me his "delicious toast with butter." He had oven mitts on and was so happy about his culinary skills. I come up from behind him to hug him and tell him thank you without realizing he had his hands in the toaster oven. He instinctively brought his arm down, straight onto the small oven door.
I am immediately overwrought with guilt and I fling off the mitt to come to his rescue. He was still holding the piece of bread and his masterpiece goes flying into the sink.
In the ensuing aftermath he convinced me a new computer would buy his love back.
tl;dr: I burnt a child.
tfyuhjnbgf: I don't know if an eight year old should be using a toaster over. They may put something else in there when no one is watching.
James_Delrose: Yes toaster ovens are clearly marked 18+
LKJ55: he was talking about a fork i think
Arealentleman: Toaster ovens are not the same as a microwave. A fork would just get hot in a toaster oven.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1411280249 | 1411303717 | t3_2h0kag | t5_2to41 | 16 | inb4_apples: TIFU by using the disabled toilet
So this happened about 20 minutes ago and I still feel kinda sick.
Some back story to begin with, I work in a small shopping center in an electronics store and we don't have any of our own toilets so we have to use the centers ones. And i know some smartass is going to be like "well you shouldn't be using the disabled toilet if you arn't disabled" my response to that, after working a whole day in retail dealing with annoying customer's, you just want to take a shit in peace.
Anyway to the fuck up, I walk up to the door and the green circle indicating that the toilet is free is green. I throw open the door and to my horror just standing there is a lady about mid 30's with here pants around her ankles and bloody tampon inhand trying to replace it with a new one. I stood there like i had just seen a ghost she stared at me like this was a daily occurrence for her. I yelled sorry and ran back to my store, now im just sitting here turtle heading and trying not to be sick.
Thomastho: When I was 14 I once used a disabled toilet without being disabled or anything, the normal onces where taken and i had to pee. But I could not figure out how to turn on the lights because there where no buttons around. Then my eye caught a red string and without thinking i pulled it and triggered an emergencyalarm. So the staff of the sportcentre I was training at came running in only to find a confused kid trying to figure out what al the sudden noise was. Luckely they turned the alarm of in time before any emergencyservices would have been automatically called. That was rough day.
tinycraft: I did similar on a plane, couldn't fine the sink tap... Bloody silly icons, I blame the button...
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411277874 | 1411280974 | t3_2h0hvg | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking when she was adopted
So I put my foot in my mouth majorly today. Needless to say I feel so stupid. A girl I know from college was in town helping her cousin move in, we hungout for a few hours. In a lull in the conversation I brought up a topic I was wondering about:
"I was wondering, when were you adopted?"
"I wasn't adopted"
Fuck.
Teotwawki69: Why the screaming blue fuck would you even ask that question?
awkwardchipmunk: I have no clue.... really no idea. And better yet, how did I come up with that.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411283047 | 1411360343 | t3_2h0mw3 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU By letting my 1 year old niece play with my iPad.
A couple hours ago, my sister, mother and niece were in the back seat getting ready to go home from my grandfathers 90th birthday. My niece, who didn't have her usual nap was being restless and cranky, so I decided to calm her down the best way I could. I was sitting in the front seat with my father driving, when I passed her my iPad and unlocked it for her. Now, as most of you know, the Internet recently had an uproar with the leaked celebrity nudes. As you can guess, my neice managed to open up my Dropbox, click on photos and expose my dirty, dark secret collection. My sister and mother both were shocked and somewhat embarrassed to hand it back to me, at which point I noticed what had happened. I had no idea what to say, that was the quietest, longest 10 minute drive home ever.
TL;DR: Exposed my 1 year old neice to celebrity porn in front of mother and sister. Thanks thefappening...
Xleader23: >Thanks thefappening...
no thank yourself for saving it to your dropbox account
Seriously?
WyomingFlip: Not even that, not locking your Dropbox account or opening to a game that she could. Play rather than just having free reign over your device.
Xleader23: I was more directed to anyone could access it if he let anyone use his ipad, but I completely agree with you mate
WyomingFlip: Ah, my bad, I didn't mean to undermine or attack your statement. Just trying to be a bit more specific. You're definitely right as well.
Xleader23: No harm done! I hope I didn't come off as mean or anything. Just further explaining myself!
WyomingFlip: Oh no. I definitely understand now what you meant. No problems at all.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1411282831 | 1411290072 | t3_2h0mpe | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by potentially throwing my career away and it was entirely preventable.
Hello fellow redditors,
Technically, this is not a TIFU, it's more like a last month thing. To make a long story short, I am a recent college graduate with a MA in Criminal Intelligence. I've been applying to police agencies across the country, but I ramped it up after I finished my MA. Latin honors student, great work history. I've got no criminal background and no drug use of any kind. Stellar references.
Unfortunately, my problems began in a few months ago when I made a mistake on an application I sent to a federal agency. The problem in question was regarding two questions: "If you entered the country illegally prior to your 18th birthday, did you attempt to go through legal channels to gain legal status?" and "Have you ever committed a crime of domestic violence that has not been expunged, pardoned, dismissed, or admonished?" Both were answered "Yes". Why the mistake? I don't own a desktop and I hate using my touchpad. I just use the Down keys. Trouble is that if you are in a menu of buttons or lists, using the Down key screws with the answers.
I got the mistake a couple of days later, fixed it, then submitted it ownward. Federal applications allow you to do this until the listing closes. Faster forward a month, I've taken a swing at a major metropolitan police department. I do extremely well on their battery tests and return to find a letter that states that I have been DQed from that agency. I figure that their software probably red-flagged the original answers, despite my attempt to fix it. I also didn't fully understand the difference between a "not selected to move on" and "disqualified".
In any event, I chalk it up to a learning experience and let it go. Weeks go by and I finish up the process with that metropolitan police agency. The BI is convinced I'm a total shoe-in and promptly submits a conditional offer upon finishing everything. I gladly sign it.
The following day, I receive a phone call from my furious BI. He asks why I never told him that I got DQed by that federal agency. I tell him that, for why I didn't originally list it, I forgot about it since I never heard anything back and upon getting the letter, I didn't quite understand the totality of what it meant. I then tell him why it occurred, as well as furnish copies of the application to show him on paper. He seems to have calmed down. He tells me that I'll probably be okay, but it isn't up to him, it's up to the hiring board above him. That's all he can say.
It's been four weeks since that event. I'm in a total panic because, if this metro department DQs me, I have to explain it. I don't know if other agencies are going to think I am incompetent for not catching that error. I don't know if other agencies are just going to assume that I am a total liar because I didn't just say something. I don't know if I've already doomed my chances with that metro department.
Why didn't I just say something? I don't know. I should have. I should have just called them. I didn't. That's all there is to it, and I might have jeopardized everything. Now I figure, might as well put up my mistake for all of reddit to enjoy.
billiegenius: WTF, that is shit. How can they have an entirely digital application process for that? And how can they take your original answer if you fixed it? Since when does a typo override a person's entire actual life history??
Considering the field, I'm surprised they don't require a written application with a signed legal declaration. What a farce.
I'm so outraged for you. I'd make further enquiries about it and if they're not upfront and you think you've got a black mark on you, lawyer up.
You shouldn't be penalised so heavily for their poor administrative practices.
TheDeathMessage: Every state or federal agency I have ever applied to runs their application process in precisely this manner. You submit the application, a computer screens it for anything that the department cannot accept, then it goes from there. Again, I have a gut feeling that the software is designed to catch people who might change their answer.
As for a lawyer, I doubt I really have a case to stand on. I made a mistake in both that error, as well as not disclosing information that was asked for by that metropolitan department. It's really my screw up. However, I do hope that they consider it the same way that you do. The two questions, in theory, should be extremely easy to verify. I have a birth certificate and they have a copy of it. That eliminates the illegal alien issue. Law enforcement agencies often see any and all convictions, regardless of whether or not they are sealed, so there is no way a domestic violence charge would be there without them seeing it.
billiegenius: I really *really* hope you see someone about this, OP. Let a professional talk to you about what your chances really are.
I know you feel like you stuffed up, but just because you fluffed up the application process a bit doesn't mean you should be marked as an illegal immigrant with a domestic violence history! That's... well that's just *insanity*! Don't validate their unfairness! They're in the business of justice. I can't take the irony.
I mean, what are they gonna say, "ah, but there's a little circle next to that point on your digital application, so we're going to go with that instead of all your legal documentation"? Like you said, it's easily verified, so they have no valid reason for considering you some sort of criminal.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1411283245 | 1411283485 | t3_2h0n2i | t5_2to41 | 86 | paulwal: TIFU and forgot to add water to my mac & cheese
http://i.imgur.com/tdNOwKy.jpg
The smell is horrible. I think it lowered the property value by 8%.
Raiden_Gekkou: Are you a drunk college freshman?
paulwal: I wish.
| 3 | 28.666667 | |
1411281518 | 1411298625 | t3_2h0lht | t5_2to41 | 15 | bugsmourn: TIFU by doing MDMA at a party
My friends and I decided to hit up a party when our plans didn't work out, we already had booze and knew some people there so we headed over. Right before we went in my friend gave me a little white capsule and told me to take it, I took it and didn't think It could be that insane
Fast forward to when it hits, I'm sweating like a motherfucker and I want to talk to everyone, this goes on for hours and by then everyone was really drunk (except me) all of a sudden me and my best friend are bawling on the floor when the hosts drunk dad yells at us. Apparently I reacted by running my 6'2 260 pound frame into him knocking him over a tv stand; this was then followed by me attempting to fight 3 people at the same time but once they realized I had stamina for days they backed off. After the previous insanity I decided to start drinking a jar of moonshine I found which I finished, fell down the stairs and broke a picture frame before stepping on shards of glass, I then took off my pants and passed out. Afterwards I got up pissed in the sink and then went back to bed, when I woke up my friend and the hosts dad had thrown her dresser into the wall.
We were kicked out promptly after my friend got naked and tried to fall asleep, my foot is badly cut and one of my toes is broken
Also I'm banned from her house
Cee_Lo_Ass_Pregnancy: OMG...I ordered some PCP from Silkroad the other day, and they sent me MDMA instead...they apologized and said they sent it to the wrong address...I spent the weekend licking my cat's asshole, when I should have been driving my car through Best Buy windows to get extra Monster Cables....
OliStabilize: Who buys monster cables?
14inthehand: I don't think someone driving through best buy windows is looking to procure monster cables legally
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1411279872 | 1411319574 | t3_2h0jx2 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by being in Afghanistan.
This happened minutes ago.
It's really not all that bad, but let me give some background first.
I'm on my first deployment and for me it has been punctuated by fuck ups, to the point where my name is almost synonymous with some kind of shit going horribly wrong.
First couple weeks here I was loading boxes into a pick up truck and shoved a box through the back window.
A little while later I made a piece of equipment non-functioning literally because I pressed the red button labeled "do not press." (in my defense this label was not actually on this button, but it was on the other ones, and I couldn't see which button I was pressing.)
I completely destroyed a small aerial vehicle by crashing it 8 times, on the 9th time we tried to launch it it took off but because there was so much damage from the first 8 crashes its wings were fucked and ended up smashing into the ground from about 150ft altitude (AGL) and demolished the bird.
I fucked up a couple simple tasks that was "remove these stickers." But I didn't get all the stickers and my boss flipped his shit and from that point on decided to start treating me like the retard I am proving to be over and over again.
Fast forward to today.
Wait go back.
For the last couple months I was kicking ass. Hell, I've even been tactfully lippy to my boss because he's still treating me like a dickhead even though I'm pretty hot shit.
Just two days ago he was being insulting, and I replied in such a way that he was pissed and told me, "oh good. I'm going to make your life a living hell."
I'm not scared. Empty threats. He doesn't even come to work until like 3 hours after my shift.
Ok fast forward to today, two days later.
Well it was the end of my shift, and 1 of our 2 replacements showed up. So the other guy went home and I decided, "hey, I'm a bored Marine, I'm gonna throw rocks." So I started whipping rocks at our T-Walls. (Concrete walls used to create compounds and bunkers and such.) I broke like 3 big rocks on the walls.
The 4th rock went high and hit the side of a bus. I immediately went, "oh shit." And decided it was time to go home and find my replacement, because maybe he slept in and I don't wanna be here.
Neeewp.
I ran into him on the way home.
One hour later he's looking for me in our living area. "Oh shit." Again.
He tells me some captain is looking for me and he's pretty pissed.
"Oh fuck."
Get back to the place, and it turns out that I broke the window on the bus.
Ok. I'm sweating bullets and my mouth is dry, cause I'm pretty sure I'm fucked.
The Capt. calls back and I apologize profusely and offer to fix this however I can. He appreciates the apology and understands my mistake, but still wants to talk my boss. The dickhead. Even though my *higher* bosses know.
So thankfully there won't be any official paperwork on this. Only my unit can ninja punch me, and it looks like manual labor off shift will be the punishment, which I'm thankful for.
What I'm not thankful for is my boss, who promised to make my life a living hell. Now he totally has every fucking chance to do so, and that is going to suck a giant cock since the guy already hates me and thinks I'm stupid.
So.
TL;DR, pissed off my boss who already doesn't like me, prompting him to make an empty threat of making my life a living hell. But I never see him so he's full of shit. Broke a window today and now my punishment is probably manual labor for the rest of the month off shift, giving him every opportunity under the sun to fuck with me until he leaves about a month before me.
Whoops.
Edit: oh yeah and the way they knew it was me is because we have observation balloons at our base (giant blimps with cameras) and they fucking saw me do it.
ಠ_ಠ
TheodoorfromJaffa: Honest question: do you have the right attitude to be in the army?
Ranquin: Good that he's a pog.
howgreatwouldyoube: Accurate.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411285944 | 1411340277 | t3_2h0pco | t5_2to41 | 2,734 | Xleader23: TIFU by trusting my girlfriend
This was about 5 years ago but I am finally drunk enough to tell it.
I had been dating this girl on and off for over a year. We had spent the day together in January and had been having a wonderful time together. Well, we decided to have some fun and while we were having sex, her dad walks in. He and her mother freak out (of course) and start yelling and threatening me. I try to leave, but I am rather lost in what to do, as it just hit me that I just lost the "perfect" girl. She was my first everything so this was rather upsetting.
I walked home with a confused head and heavy heart, informing my close friends and parents what had happened. My best friend at that time was brother to my girlfriend's best friend. He transferred information to me that my girlfriend was saying I raped her. I was in denial and said it was probably just her parents. A couple hours go by, he updates me every so often telling me she went to the hospital and such, and I am still thinking it is just her parents. I was wrong.
Not tooo long after she went to the hospital, a sheriff's truck pulls up in front of our house. Again, my heart sank even further, and I went into a fit of pain and anger. I told the sheriff I would be right with him while I grabbed some jeans and tried to find proof of my innocence. He asked if I knew why he was there and I told him yes, and I was going to be as cooperative as possible.
On our way to the station I was just rambling about how I couldn't believe this could happen. I had to fill out roughly ten sheets of paper covering the whole day and the day prior, do a vouice recording, and talk with the deputies and sheriff for hours. When he went to get her side of the story, I was just hoping that she would come clean with what happened, but when he came in he said, "Her story is 100% different."
This is where I knew that it was her and not her parents. Like most other TIFUs, I shold have just kept it in my pants. Luckily, I had enough proof and the fact I kept my story straight, every fucking time I told it, they believed me and let me go home. This lead me to not trust anyone, especially women, for quite some time. I thought I had been over it for awhile, but every time I go home and get those reminders of what happened in my town, I just can't helpo but feel depressed and angry. So, wherever you are, fuck you and your inconsiderate, selfish ass.
Tl;dr - Walked in on with girlfriend, she says I raped her, luckily was found innocent.
On another note: Gentlemen, I know how hard it can be to say no when a woman is totally wanting it, but please just be smart. I was with this girl for over a year and she tried to do this to me. Think what some one-night-standers will be willing to do to you.
Sorry for typos. I'll try to fix when sober!
EDIT: a lot of people are curious to what my proof was. I had texts from the night before of us planning the day and we talked about sex. I had saved texts of us talking about sex from other times and some notes as well.
Some people are suggesting I should have sued her or pressed charges. I do wish I had pressed charges, but at that point I was pretty torn up over the ordeal and just wanted her out of my life.
J-Unleashed: This is fucked. I've seen this happen to two other people. A guy and a woman have **consensual** sex, but all of a sudden, the woman decides that something about the incident is going to irreparably tarnish her image. So what does she do? Rather than flip the bird to the opinions of people who don't matter, or in this case, try to inform people close to them that times have changed, they take the coward's way out and lie. Lying is cowardly, especially if that lie is going to ruin someone else.
Women like this are part of what's wrong with society. I have a hard time supporting women who want equal rights when they go around playing the victim and the dependent damsel in distress. Our society is quick to get on-board with the woman when it comes to rape, yet we don't hear a lot about men being raped. Oh wait, is that because "men don't get raped"? *rolls eyes*
I'm disgusted to hear your story. I hope everything played out for you in the long-run in terms of your ability to trust people. Not everyone are twats (I hope).
EDIT: word
EDIT #2: No, Reddit, I'm not a misogynist. I support the movement for equality. I just have a hard time supporting the feminist movement when their actions demonstrate they only aspire to make women superior. Case in point, that twat who said we should cut the male population to 10%because that's when equality would truly be obtained. This is the same bitch that proposed International Castration Day. Had a guy proposed eugenics, a shit storm would have erupted. Yes, women deserve equality, but there shouldn't be a movement just for women. There should be a united front comprised of people of different races, social classes, and groups as one. That movement is something I think more people would get behind. All these different people from all these different groups saying and showing how discrimination and oppression should not still be an issue.
EDIT TO MY EDIT #2: Damn iOS8 update doesn't seem to be able to distinguish between the possessive "their" and the positional nomenclature of "there."
pez_dispens3r: It's morally reprehensible, not to mention criminally unlawful, to make a false rape accusation. But how do you come to the conclusion that, because this happens, women don't deserve support in campaigning for equal rights? The fact that some men rape, after all, is no reason to think that men don't deserve rights.
shazillon: TRP is leaking.
fido5150: The first sign of a weak mind, attack the person and not the idea. Nice.
You have any more words of wisdom for us?
shazillon: You redpillers get really upset when we call you out, don't you.
andres7832: I like how your reply is of shaming someone for a "short fuse" instead of a valid argument...
shazillon: I didn't have anything to say really, because these ridiculous posts are just like TRP in general. I couldn't even see how this one weak mind wasn't indicative of the entire sub.
F9R: I've been a member of TRP since 2013 and a member of Mensa since 2006. There are a ton of people *way* smarter than I am at TRP, especially when it comes to common sense.
shazillon: The man with the highest iq also believes in creationism. Dictators are highly intelligent people.
Just because you might be part of Mensa doesn't mean you can't believe ridiculous and in this case offensive/dangerous ideas. You follow a belief that a fellow human being is somehow beneath you purely because they have different body parts. How is this ANY different from nazism?
F9R: > The man with the highest iq also believes in creationism. Dictators are highly intelligent people.
I do not believe in creationism, nor am I a dictator.
> You follow a belief that a fellow human being is somehow beneath you purely because they have different body parts.
I don't believe that women are beneath me, but I do believe that men and women are fundamentally different, and that understanding these differences is more beneficial to society than ignoring them or trying to politically force them out of ourselves. Anyone who has any experience on this planet *knows* that men and women are different, but it's politically incorrect to say so.
The red pill is not wrong, they're just teaching an inconvenient truth. They're taking the blinders of people who have ended up stuck in feminist mamby pamby land.
shazillon: I'm saying "intelligent" people can believe idiotic stuff.
A post on the front page of TRP calls women "plates". That's "fundamentally different"? How about super offensive and disgusting? Don't try to make me believe that all TRP believes is that there are differences. It's painfully clear to anyone not under the spell that TRP objectifies women and treats them as trophies, not humans.
F9R: You're displaying a lack of understanding of TRP technology. "Plate" is shorthand for a type of casual relationship. Learn what you're talking about before you try to use it in an argument.
shazillon: I never saw a woman being portrayed in a positive light on that sub. Show any woman that sub and she would be offended, because TRP objectifies like crazy.
Don't tell me that you merely highlight the differences between men and women, because any sub that would actually do that would not hate women like TRP does.
Women are made for sex and sandwiches, right?
F9R: > I never saw a woman being portrayed in a positive light on that sub.
I sure have. Stick around long enough and you will too.
> Show any woman that sub and she would be offended, because TRP objectifies like crazy.
/r/RedPillWomen would disagree.
shazillon: I shouldn't have to "stick around" to see basic respect towards women. It should be smack on the front page, instead of a story about how a guy managed to fuck all these trophies.
Sorry I should have said any self respecting woman.
F9R: > It should be smack on the front page,
Respect towards women should be smack on the front page of a male space, devoted to teaching men how to succeed in life? Sorry honey, but not everything is about you.
shazillon: You're trying to tell me that TRP is all about the "differences" between men and women. All I see is hatred towards women on TRP and you're telling me that it's still just about the differences? Quit talking bull that TRP does not condone objectification of women, when that's all I'm seeing.
F9R: Read the sidebar material; it provides context. Just looking at the posts is like trying to understand the posts at /r/nfl without knowing what football is.
shazillon: You're still not denying that you objectify women. You wouldn't have the reputation of pitiful man-children if you didn't. Please quit trying to convince me that you place any respectful value in women as fellow humans.
F9R: I don't objectify women, but I do categorize them. I categorize men too. Understand these categories (read the sidebar) and you'll see why it's not hateful. I'll summarize some of the main points, and I really hope you'll read this because I'm not coming from a place of anger right now; I'm trying to extend an olive branch so we can come to an understanding.
Here's the thing: a woman who has nothing to offer but sex might as well be a sex object. If she wants to be something more, she's free and encouraged to improve herself at any time. A valuable woman, someone who has more to offer than just sex, has earned the respect of red pillers. The former women we call plates, and the latter women we call red pill women. Note that *we do not shame plates*, in fact we love them, but we just categorize them because the terminology is useful for discourse. We call them plates because guys having casual relationships with these easy women is sort of like balancing spinning plates.
Now with men: a man who whines about never getting laid, while playing video games all day and doing nothing with his life is a loser. We call him a "beta" at TRP, and we don't respect him because he whores out his time and attention like a plate whores out her sex. A valuable man, someone who has more to offer than just his time and attention, generally earns the admiration of women. We call this man an "alpha". And no, "alpha" does not mean what you might think it means: the brainless macho caveman covered with body hair. An alpha can be the exact opposite, as long as *he is high-value, which is determined by his contributions and abilities.*
As I said before, red pillers love /r/RedPillWomen. They're good, honest, smart, faithful women. We also love women whose only care in life is getting drunk and laid-- just not in the same way. The former make good long-term relationship partners, and the latter make for good hook ups. The red pill acknowledges the distinction.
This isn't by any means an exhaustive explanation of what the red pill is all about. I'm only trying to add some nuance to the conversation so that we can get past the notion that we red pillers are bitter misogynists. There's much more theory out there, if you're interested.
shazillon: So it's all about what women can do for you?
F9R: No, it's about how men and women can understand one another. Keep in mind that beta men are people too, but TRP basically shits on them as much as the rest of society does. It's a give-and-take, just like any human interaction. Men will give more resources to a woman who gives back, and vice versa.
shazillon: I don't know what TRP you've been on, but the one I JUST went on, was purely ways to get a woman to fuck you, and how women are just general pieces of shit. I did not see one positive piece on a woman, it was all "don't let a girl take advantage of you---treat her like shit!!"
Please stop telling me that TRP is pro-woman in the least.
F9R: > Please stop telling me that TRP is pro-woman in the least.
TRP is not pro-woman, in the least. It's a male space. If you don't like that, don't go there. We do not need your participation or approval.
shazillon: Males can be pro woman. They don't have to be hostile to women. Just because you have a penis doesn't mean a woman is your rival.
I didn't want to interact with misogynists, you decided to drag your twisted views of women into public space.
F9R: > Males can be pro woman.
Yes, males *can* be pro-woman. This doesn't mean they *have* to be 24/7. People are people. Why place one group above another?
shazillon: So what's wrong for having respect for everyone? It's very clear from TRP that there is no respect for women. Sure they don't want to worship women but seriously putting all women down the way they do is pretty disgusting. They would be bitching horribly if women talked that way about all men. The womens subreddit does not hate on men like TRP does.
| 28 | 97.642857 | |
1411287356 | 1411313335 | t3_2h0qht | t5_2to41 | 161 | g11g00g3r: TIFU by shining a laser in my pet fish's eye.
I had a little black goldfish, you know, the one with big eyes popping out of its head. I also bought a tiny laser pointer that day. I thought it would be funny to point the laser in its eye. A few days later, it started acting weirdly. It died of an eye infection 2 weeks later.
coyhot: Nah it's not the laser that killed him. These goldfishes are known to be super fragile because of their bubbly eyes. A laser doesn't rip skin, it doesn't make any wound. It's not what caused the infection :)
Source : Med school student
EDIT : Downvoters, please tell me where I'm wrong !
g11g00g3r: But the eye that got infected was the one I pointed the laser in :(
coyhot: Yeah but except if it was a [2W laser](http://www.wickedlasers.com/arctic), it didn't burn him ;)
Jake5967: But wouldn't the glass magnify the laser?
coyhot: It would [diffract](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diffraction) it, like sunlight through a prism. Making it less focused.
| 6 | 26.833333 | |
1411284325 | 1411294951 | t3_2h0o0n | t5_2to41 | 8 | MomSawMyHelicopter: TIFU by shaking my dick at my dog in front of my mom
Ok so shit you need to know before I start:
I'm 15, my sister is 14, we have a running joke about our dog. The joke is that our dog finds me nasty and that whenever I go near her she walks away.
So it's 2AM, my sister and I are getting a drink in the kitchen while I'm making a pizza hot pocket and my dog walks in.
She gets some water and then she walks up to me.
Me, being the dumbass teenager I am, I mess with my dog and get her riled up and then since I'm wearing boxers, I shake my dick in my dog's face.
Dog backs way the fuck up, sister and I laugh our asses off.
The dog comes back and I do it again, but this time, my mom walks in right as I'm swinging my dick inside my underwear.
Shamefully, I walk towards my room with my tail (dick) between my legs.
eyephone314: So it's ok in your sister's presence but not your mother's?
Have you broken your arms yet?
lmessi96: l0l
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411278959 | 1411361789 | t3_2h0j0k | t5_2to41 | 12 | dcastillo11: TIFU by asking a girl to "bang"
Long time reader, first time poster, so bear with with. This happened about a week ago and I'm not using a throwaway cause fuck-it. So this past week I went to visit a buddy of mine out of state. I arrived on Thursday for his birthday and we partied the weekend away being the degenerates that we are. So Saturday comes around and we are at his friends place for a party. They were having a full on college party complete with a bar. Needless to say I got pretty wasted, during this time of inebriation I decided to ask a girl to dance with me. This girl is a friend of my friend (stay with me here) and she is cute and is pretty nice from what I can tell. When I asked her to dance she walked away from me disgusted, and drunken me did not know what the hell happened, but I just let it go. The next morning upon waking up my friend informed me that I had asked this girl to bang. I could not believe this at all, because I am not that forward with anyone. Sure as shit though I asked this girl to bang, and that would explain why she walked away disgusted. My head said dance, but my mouth said bang. If said girl reads this post I'm really sorry I'm not that much of a douchebag!
TL;DR: Got drunk asked a girl to dance, actually asked her to bang, all in all a great weekend
Helios8520: Dude apologize to her and explain, she might understand.
dcastillo11: She lives in another state I was just visiting for the weekend
Arealentleman: Well then dont sweat it.
| 4 | 3 | |
1411290704 | 1411398531 | t3_2h0t4j | t5_2to41 | 962 | NOT_ah_BOT: TIFU by Having sex Drunk
A little back story; i am not good with women, never have been. its been longer than i'd like to admit since i've been laid.
So this happened last night. A few friends had convinced me to go to a bar with them, and i agreed. While at the bar, as my borderline alcoholic self, had had 10 beers and 6 chicken strips. while in the smoking area trying to relax and getting ready to leave this girl walks up to me and starts chatting me up. come to find out we have the same interests and stuff.
Fast forward a few minutes and were back inside and she says she wants to dance. I am NOT the dancing type and i tell her that. she says she doesnt care and drags me by the arm onto the dance floor and begins to grind on me. after about 10 minutes of this she decides she need more booze, and orders 4 shots of vodka. i figured it was a lot for just her but thought what the hell.
Turns out 2 of those were for me, i told her how much i had to drink and what not and she said she didnt care, my brain said no, but my penis said do it, it could get us laid, so i took the shots.
Fast forward 30 minutes and were sharing a cab home, it pulls up to her appt, and i do my best " wow those appts look a lot better than mine" line and she takes the bait and asks if i want to find out. Yes. i pay the taxi and walk to her appt.
10 minutes later were naked and beginning to start the fun. she is a lot shorter than me so when the time came, she bent over for doggy and i was happy to get at it.
Problem. i was a lot taller than expected, i had never been with a girl so short. so my way to fix the problem was to squat down and basically do mini squats up and down.
For the first 5 minutes it was going amazingly, this was long over due. about 2 minutes later my stomach says the combo of beer, vodka and chicken wings was not brewing well, my penis told it to shut the fuck up, so i continued.
Less than a minute later my stomach let out thee biggest burp i had ever heard in my life, then low and behold, i puke all over her back.
I couldnt turn my head, couldn't feel it coming before hand, and she lets out the biggest "WHAT THE FUCK" and i knew it was over. she asked if i was some kind of pervert who got off on this shit and called me a bunch of degrading names while i was getting dressed as fast as i could.
I left. decided i didnt wanna wait for a taxi so i decided to walk the 2 miles home hoping it would make me tired enough to fall asleep right when i got home so i didnt have to think even more about how bad that went.
Make it about a mile away from my house, and i am still drunk as hell, when i see red and blue flashing lights, fuck. cop stops me, ask me if i had been drinking tonight. i explain the story to him and he is laughing hysterically at me. tells me i shouldn't be walking around drunk and says he feels bad for me and gives me a ride home.
About 2 blocks from my house Mr.Stomach decides he wants to put on an encore! RALPH! all over the back seat of the cops car, hes pissed. i spent about 20 minutes outside my appt cleaning the cops back seat so he doesnt take me to jail out of spite. i am never going to a bar again in my life.
**TL;DR** Got drunk, had half sex, threw up on girl, got ride from cop, threw up in cops car.
discounteggroll: just tell people you have uncontrollable super powers...
NOT_ah_BOT: Yea, I was bitten by an radioactive mother bird, forced to live my life trying to feed people like a bird.
Thisismyfinalstand: Biiiiiirdman, get in here! haHA!
death_star_gone: /r/enlightenedbirdmen
theserial: I was prepared to be disappointed by a fake sub, now i just feal disturbed that that is real...
RmRxCm: 'tis be Chozodia
| 7 | 137.428571 | |
1411291945 | 1411412873 | t3_2h0u3j | t5_2to41 | 431 | koproller: TIFU by being a huge racist on accident.
Happened a while ago. I was a teen, and this friend of me was, unlike me, already sexual active. So one day, we where sitting on a terrace and he said *"I like my girls drunk"* (important: in dutch he said "ik hou van **dronken** meisjes")
I was a bit shocked. So I went all out *"wtf dude, why? Because they can hardly speak? Because they smell a bit like puke? Because they have no fucking standards? Or is it because they will sleep with everyone?"*. I made my point very vocal, so all the people near me would see how I would distance myself from his behaviour. And I'm afraid that they did overhear the conversation.
But he didn't say *"I like my girls drunk"*, he said *"Ik hou van* **donkere** *meisjes"*, or in English: I like my girls dark.
TidalGrave: By accident.
aggemamme: It may depend on your age. Younger people tend to use "on accident" whereas older ones use "by accident".
I am 28 and use "by accident".
TidalGrave: I have just turned 23 and have always used "by accident", "on accident" just sounds wrong to me. You don't do something "on mistake".
secondaccountforme: Yeah, because they are different words.
TidalGrave: With the same meaning.
secondaccountforme: And that somehow means they should work the same way, and only that way?
TidalGrave: Did I say that? No.
secondaccountforme: You kinda implied it.
TidalGrave: No, not really.
secondaccountforme: Ok, so what point were you trying to make?
TidalGrave: My point being, going back to my original comment, is that "on accident" sounds wrong and I have never seen it used in any professional or formal format.
Perhaps it's a regional thing after reading through the comments my original comment spawned I can see that now but I was merely stating what I thought was the correct way of phrasing those words.
| 12 | 35.916667 | |
1411295414 | 1411298138 | t3_2h0wt5 | t5_2to41 | 27 | BRIGHTLIKENEONLOVE: TIFU by not cleaning out our pantry before a long vacation.
My roommate and I just got back yesterday from a month-long vacation in Europe. I am Asian, and one of the first things I wanted to do when we got home was to cook the rice I had left over from before our trip. As I poured some water into the rice cooker bowl with measured out rice in it, I saw that some tiny bugs started to surface and panic from the rising water. I freaked out, and remembered how my mom used to tell me that when rice is left out for too long, it could get infested with rice weevils. I immediately threw out the bag of rice in the trash outside. Having no knowledge of these pests, I assumed that I was in the clear because I got rid of the source.
Then tonight, I was hanging out watching Trailer Park Boys in the living room. My roommate came over with a bag of mixed nuts and joined me on the couch. As she reached for a peanut in the bag, she noticed that there were some tiny bugs in it. I immediately recognized them to be the same ones that were in my bag of rice. I quickly did some research and learned that these weevils like grains, nuts, cereal, flour, etc., and will break through bags to get to their food source. My roommate and I could've sifted through each item in our pantry to check for weevil infestation but we were too lazy and also we thought it'd be safe to just throw out anything the weevils like. Pancake mixes, boxes of cereal we bought yesterday, almonds, etc. We actually found a couple of them hanging out in our bag of bird seeds. I can't be sure if our pantry clean up will prevent weevils from sticking around, but I just wasted a lot of food.
XOwatchingyou: Weevils are the worst. Some came in my cereal once, i ate half a bowl before realising.
BRIGHTLIKENEONLOVE: So was this old cereal that you had around, or a new box you just purchased?
XOwatchingyou: New box. They infested my whole pantry after that and it took actual years and a lot of thrown out food to get them out completely.
BRIGHTLIKENEONLOVE: You're kidding me. That is terrifying!
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1411293208 | 1411330437 | t3_2h0v12 | t5_2to41 | 7 | MrFistoflames1: TIFU By drinking too much and being a dick to my new uni flat mates...
It was Saturday and the end of Freshers week in my university so I thought I would go and buy some cheap booze and drink myself happy. (missing home/ people sucks yo!) Invited some friends I had made on the campus over to help me drink and add some to it themselves. What could go wrong?
Ended up getting so drunk I don't even remember if the other member who we invited showed up. My flatmates had to come and tell me to go to bed and I just feel down right awful for keeping them up and making them have to act like my parents. Ruined my nice white t-shirt with food and alcohol and now the whole flat just smells bad...
I am now currently writing this and cleaning up the giant mess that was made in the kitchen whilst sticking post it notes on everyone's door saying "sorry for getting drunk and being a dick". Hopefully they forgive me or this is going to be one awkward year.
Atleast one flatmate said hello to me as she left - so they can't be that mad? D;
Jinglemoon: Clean everything, apologise to everyone, and never do it again.
MrFistoflames1: Done and done. I am currently just hiding away in my room to keep out of peoples way.
Jinglemoon: will make a good story when you know everyone better.
MrFistoflames1: We've already been laughing about it, so no bad blood seems to have arisen from this. :)
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1411299409 | 1411316780 | t3_2h0zzu | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my first kiss at 20
Swarlsonegger: Shoulda just admit "I am not really I could kisser maybe you can teach me or we can skip through this part all together" or something along those lines. But that way she has expectations you do not fulfill => disappointment.
A6289W922: No. You should never say that. Don't listen to this guy, kids.
GirlMeetsHerp: Lies. As an experienced female, this would turn me on. The opportunity to slow down and teach? Really savor someone's first moments? Hell yes!
torontohs: None of the women I've dated would've found that cool. Who wants to try to fuck with someone who's going to fumble all over the place? Relive *your* first time? Yikes, no thanks.
GirlMeetsHerp: My first time was sweet. It was just like I described. It doesn't have to be "fumbling" If you, as the one with experience, take control. It slows things down and becomes more intimate.
| 6 | 16 | |
1411300097 | 1411353187 | t3_2h10i8 | t5_2to41 | 7,682 | [deleted]: TIFU by going outside.
I've been bedridden for the past 3 days with flu like symtoms and started feeling well enough to leave my bed today, so I went outside into the yard to catch up on some sun, and literally 30 seconds later a bird shat on my head.
So into the shower and back to bed I went.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!, whoever it was.
...i guess it is lucky.
demonspawn79: Never, ever go outside.
_Orokusaki: That was the last time.
A6289W922: If you really feel the need to go outside again, just get a better graphics card instead.
FalzarPMU: send him a triple gtx 980 set up
we need to keep him inside guys
thelieswetell: Send me one too plz. My hd4850 is going to shit.
frostcornettos: Hey, I have a old 6870 I could send you if you want it?
Jimmy422: If OP doesn't want it, I could gladly use an upgrade for my HD4870.
TheSpYro: Someone should send me a new graphics card...pls I will give you all of the upvotes
Inconspicuous_incest: Seconded
ProgrammingChallenge: Thirded.
| 11 | 698.363636 | |
1411297583 | 1411323259 | t3_2h0yjb | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by creaming myself in the face
Well this happened about 10 minutes ago and well my gf was giving me a blowjob which was fucking awesome, and I'm having the time of the life and i say "I'm about to cum" to warn her but she doesn't hear me as she's too into it and just as I'm about to spray my man soap in her mouth she takes her mouth off the head to get a breather and i shoot everywhere. It went on my shirt, in her hair and it especially got me in the face and my eye. We had a good giggle after we cleaned up. Still trying to decide what to think about it.
Stalfosed: Shit happens.
Maxed2k0: Jizz happens
| 3 | 1 | |
1411299642 | 1411440942 | t3_2h105r | t5_2to41 | 119 | The_Gaming_Unicorn: tifu by clicking remember my password on a school computer.
Hey guys I'm the janitor and this retard clicked remember me :D
Ok guys I'm going to stop using this account :D
trewqpoiuy: Lol... we aren't *that* stupid.
Only teenagers spell like that and use ":D".
The_Gaming_Unicorn: I'm 22... Close enough?
trewqpoiuy: ...and you are a janitor at a school?
The_Gaming_Unicorn: I'm applying for other jobs but I take what I can get.
trewqpoiuy: So you're trying to tell me you have 14 hour work days and you spend some of that time coming back here to reply to comments? AND this guy hasn't logged onto his account since then?!
The_Gaming_Unicorn: When did I ever say 14 hour, I work five hours. Also I go on reddit when I have nothing to do.
trewqpoiuy: Dude. you posted on this "retard's" account at 07:40 GMT, and you are still posting at 02:40 GMT the next day.
You said he clicked "remember password", so did you steal his computer?
The_Gaming_Unicorn: He actually clicked auto-fill so it showed me the whole thing.
trewqpoiuy: Passwords are starred out in autofill.
The_Gaming_Unicorn: Well not his. The password was alex666
trewqpoiuy: It's controlled by the website (reddit) so it's the same for everyone.
| 12 | 9.916667 | |
1411305095 | 1411341483 | t3_2h156j | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by kissing my best friend and not telling her ex who's another close friend.
This wasn't today, this was over the course of the past few months.
So, some background: This girl, let's call her Annie, and I were best friends. We talked about everything and we were like siblings. Everything was going great in my life. I had a great job, lots of friends, college was going great, I had a girlfriend (which wasn't great, but we'll get to that), all that good stuff. One day, I'm talking to Annie about thinking it's time to break up with my girlfriend because she was crazy. Then, out of the blue, she drops the "I've had a crush on you since day one" shit. At the time, she was dating a close friend of mine, we'll call him Dan. I kinda freak out and try and make it not uncomfortable by making light-hearted jokes and trying to knock some sense into her. We both had significant others, even if I was planning on breaking up with mine, you know?
TL;DR: Best friend tells me she has feelings for me, we're both dating people even though I don't want to be.
Fast forward a month-ish:
I finally did it. I finally broke up with my girlfriend. Annie immediately comes to my house to make sure I'm okay and brings Dan. We have a good time and I'm feeling pretty good. The next FUCKING day, she starts talking about how she wants to break up with Dan. So of course being the idiot I am, I say "is it because I'm single now?" and she just says "kinda."
Fuck. Fuck this. Are you for real? Don't break up with him I don't want you. I don't want Dan to be hurt, I love the kid.
TL;DR: Broke up with girlfriend, Annie (best friend) wants to break up with Dan (boyfriend) because of that.
Fast forward a week:
She did it. Fuck.
TL;DR: Fuck.
Fast forward two months:
We're not talking that much anymore. I've hit the stage after the break up where I miss having somebody and I'm lonely. She texts me and says "oops I'm drunk wanna sext me?" I just kind of roll my eyes and say "no, Annie." She backs off but asks every now and again. Couple of days later, we're hanging out and she's talking to me about how she has feelings for me again. I kind of want things done, and like I said I'm lonely, and I think "Hey, maybe this could work and I'm missing out," so I say "I'm going to kiss you now." and go for it. It was nice to kiss someone again. We went back to my house and made out a little, but didn't do anything major or anything like that. She ended up staying the night because it was 3am and I was way too tired to drive her home. The next morning, I realized the mistake I had made and told her I was really sorry but it wouldn't work out. She obviously gets pissed off and leaves angrily. I got around 40 fucking drunk messages over the next few weeks. I stopped answering after the second call because I didn't want to deal with her calling me an asshole and a huge douchebag and saying I'm the reason she's drinking. I know it's kinda shitty, but I'm not going to sit and be verbally abused for an hour every night, I already get that at work, I don't need it at home too.
TL;DR: Hang out, make out, realize mistake, tell her, 40 drunk calls later...
Fast forward one month:
Annie ended up visiting a mutual friend that lives far away and told all of mutual friend's friends about how much of a piece of shit I am. All the talking about it makes her realize she was going bonkers and she apologized. I apologized too and we were okay. She started talking about how she wanted to get back together with Dan and I told her that's fine as long as SHE DOES NOT TELL HIM. I was so serious about that. Ignorance is bliss, man. Leave it where it is. I didn't want to lose two friends, especially not as close as those two.
TL;DR: She wants her ex back, I tell her that she can't tell him about us because I don't wanna lose my friends.
Fast forward 2-ish weeks:
My life has been going downhill at this point. My mom's injury was getting worse (traumatic brain injury), work was getting to be super stressful, friends were all moving away, I was sick all the time and losing sleep, my depression was worsening, etc. Her's of course was uphill, getting back together with Dan and all. Then one day she texts me and says "I fucked up." God dammit, what is it this time? She said my name in bed. I repeat. SHE FUCKING SAID MY NAME IN BED. "I was having a dream you were in" Bullshit all of it's bullshit. Dan's weird with me now, understandably. I'm weird with Annie because that was really uncomfortable for me to hear. Great. Now if she tells him he'll never talk to me again.
TL;DR: Annie and Dan got back together, she said my name in bed.
Fast forward one week:
She told him and then blamed me him being upset. "It's all because of your stupid ass." I tried apologizing but Dan didn't even respond.Now he won't talk to me, I won't talk to her, our mutual friends are mad at me, everything's just going further and further downhill.
Oh yeah, she also told my ex girlfriend. And we were just starting to get along too.
Massive TL;DR: Made out with best friend a while after we both broke up with our exes, she got back together with her ex who's a good friend of mine, I told her not to tell, she said my name in bed and told him, now everyone we both knew is mad at me like it's my fault.
rebeccahlouise: You do realise that pushing all of the blame on to her makes you come across as a bit of a dick.
You both kissed each other, and I think you need to accept some of the responsibility, grow up a little, and stop blaming her entirely.
You both made a mistake.
thegeekman: I'm not throwing all of the blame on her for it happening. I know it was both of us, but I can put the blame on her for her making me seem like the biggest fucking asshole to everyone we know when, at the time, I genuinely thought it might work. I realized my mistake and told her right away, what should I have done, you know?
smewchies: You genuinely thought "well, I'm missing out."
It sounds like she thinks the grass is always greener and will probably stay like that until she figures it out.
Still, you can't act like you genuinely believed you wanted to be with her. You knew it wouldn't work. Bored, lonely, sure. Madly in like with someone for a few hours? Nah.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411300009 | 1411329646 | t3_2h10fm | t5_2to41 | 162 | eslaf: TIFU by getting really drunk last night
So I am a typical college student. Last night there was a house party. To pregame I had 200ml of maker's whisky. Then I went to the party about an hour later not feeling a thing so I decided to do a headstand (I'm a yoga teacher) and drink a lot of beer. Well I can't remember what else happened that night except for like three or four hours later when I'm in my house and my housemates are all upstairs hiding from me shouting at me if, "I'm good". I didn't know what I meant but today I wake up and I have a bowie knife in my hand and there are holes all around the wall near my door. Apparently I found it and started crawling around the floor with it like a commando. Never been that drunk.
TL;DR - College, got drunk, conjured knife from oblivion.
A6289W922: You sound like someone who shouldn't drink. Ever.
Rokiolo25: What do you mean? I enjoyed reading this
eslaf: cheers
RandomGuyAppears: I feel like if you don't have crazy drunk stories in college. You didn't do college right. Hell, I'd buy you a beer if you told me that story irl.
eslaf: cheers man! I think so, you don't want to graduate college regretting anything and being a shut in. It's all about balance. Yeah we occasionally mess up hence the TIFU. But life moves on!
| 6 | 27 | |
1411288324 | 1411334114 | t3_2h0ra9 | t5_2to41 | 11 | magoop_: TIFU by getting way too high
Today I fucked up and ruined a good experience for my friends and I. We were out having a good time, hanging out and getting food. Being high and all, were having an insane time. Talking about crazy high ideas, and just spouting everything on our minds. We end up at one bench where I knocked over a jar of weed. Everyone freaked out. It was like the worst thing in the world happened. I tried to salvage all I could, picking up all the small pieces, and cleaning up as much glass as I could, resulting in a cut hand and weed with glass in it. Blood ended up all over the bag due to my hand getting cut by a small piece of glass. Why is it that the tiniest cuts bleed so much? The whole situation looked so fucked up. We were all blasted out of our minds. If someone saw that bag, they would be hit by a wave of fear and get rid of it as fast as possible. Everyone freaked out and had a discussion about if we should keep the weed or not because there could still be glass in it. I apologized for everything and said i would reimburse what i destroyed, and try to fix my fuck up. Not much of a tifu, but one of the few times where I immediately thought I fucked up.
TL;DR: High as fuck, ruined a good time, and cut my hand.
jessjralynn: Lol, sorry. I know how it feels. I was at a party once and got drunk. Walked over to where the guys (I knew them pretty well but they still intimidated me) they were rolling a blunt and on the table was a shit load of weed. I got goofy, tried to make a joke or something AND SPILLED ME HUGE PLASTIC CUP OF BEER ALL OVER THE WEED. ALL OF IT. I wanted to die. I am honestly suprised they didn't beat the shit out of me. Instead they all remained quiet and glared at me like I was the stupidist bitch in the world. I'll never forget that. I hope your friends are cool with you because stuff just happens.
magoop_: LOL. That sounds shitty. Thanks for sharing that, I tried the best I could to deal with the situation, and I hope it turns out all good.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411308716 | 1411334700 | t3_2h19el | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting too drunk and being too lonely
This happened a couple of weeks ago. I made plans to go over to my buddy's new apartment and as soon as I get there he says "Hey, drink this!" And of course I say yes because of my crippling alcoholism. It was delicious. It was a bottle of hippie juice and I had never had that before, so I had three more water bottles full. Then I had 5 bottles of Angry Orchard. Then I had 4 shots. After having the amount of way too much to drink, we decide to play Don't Drink and Drive Mario Kart, but instead of using beer or a shot, we fill red solo cups with vodka and nearly kill ourselves. On top of all that, this guy's going around and asking if we're drunk and if we say yes, we have to take a shot. Apparently that's what they did in Pakistan. At this point I'm super fucking drunk and I know I'm gonna remember the whole night, but that should be fine. At least I thought it would be. We started playing Super Smashed Bros where the losers had to take shots. Apparently this girl Kate came in after I blacked out and I immediately put on the charm because I'm lonely and I do that whenever there's a girl with me while I'm drunk. The problem is that she's a solid 4/10. No thanks, says sober me, shut the fuck up, says drunk me. I ended up trying to have sex with her, of course. Key word there is "trying." I was floppy the whole time so I just slammed my body onto her cooner. Then, after about 10 minutes of that, I threw up on the bed (we were in my buddies room which definitely made things worse the next day) next to her head and said "I missed your face for you baby." She brought me into the bathroom after getting my pants back on, where I continued to puke for half an hour or so. I went into a different room thinking she would follow me, but she didn't, so I just went to bed. The next morning, I woke up still pretty fucking drunk. I go into the living room and see my buddy making a pizza at 5am. I just asked "Where's my shirt? And what happened after smash bros?" He just starts rolling around on the floor laughing. He tells me what happened, and I just ask who the hell Kate is. She walks out at that point and I feel my stomach drop. Fuck. I did that. Fuck. First thing she says to me is "Well, I'm never trying drunk sex again. I'm really sore down there." Oh no. Then she tells me what happened and I apologized probably 50 times. She shrugs and says "Well, you're cute so it's totally fine" and winks at me. Oh god no. She spent the next three hours asking me if I still thought she was beautiful now that I'm sober and if I'd have sex with her sober. I say yes because I don't want to hurt her feelings. When she left, she kissed me on the cheek and said "nice meeting you." No thank you.
TL;DR: Got way too drunk and tried to have sex with a 4/10 because I'm lonely and drunk me thought it was a good idea, then I threw up next to her head and was floppy the whole time. Great.
comaman: Shit like this is why I'm giving up booze next week.
one-joule: Why not now?
comaman: Meeh I have booze left and want to finish it and then stop buying it.
buprenorFiend_: Riggghht. The famous words "Just one last time"
comaman: Nope I'm really quitting
MoreWhiskeyPls: /r/stopdrinking if and only if you need/want it.
comaman: Thanks I might I going to see how it goes
| 8 | 5.375 | |
1411311983 | 1411319086 | t3_2h1ds1 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a boner in class
So I fucked up big time today.
We watched a sex movie in class and I had a boner today in class (so did everybody, we are a boy class).
One of the kids took down my pants and made fun of my small cock and I was so angry that I took down his pants and punched his dick.
It was so funny that everyone took down their pants and we had a class orgy.
Anyway, I was the one who had the smallest dick...
I'm a bit fat. 161cm and im 60kg.
TL;DR: Watched a sex movie, someone took my pants off, had a class orgy.
Anyway, how do I make my cock a bit bigger?
Do I need to lose weight or something?
I'm 14, just so you know.
CyanSpaceTurtle: Really? This sounds like bad litterotica! Where was the teacher in this "class"?
great_lord: He "went with the flow", aka was in the orgy
Sunfeaster: Is this a real event?
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1411309723 | 1411333110 | t3_2h1ao8 | t5_2to41 | 136 | [deleted]: TIFU by running down the street with a sword.
So - in light of the result of the referendum for Scottish independence - I felt the necessity to get absolutely shitfaced on cheap Tesco whiskey and Irn Bru. The night was going well. I saw old friends, made new friends and a few enemies for life. This was until someone whipped out a full meter long sword. In my drunken stupor it was decided that the only appropriate action at this point would be to run away with it onto the street on a Saturday night. If Doomsday and Armageddon had a baby, it still wouldn't be comparable and everyone from coast to coast was out looking for a fight. We have adapted over the centuries to deal with this however and within the hour I had been surrounded by the police, who were more curious as to why and how I had managed to get myself into this situation than worried about mine and the citizens of Edinburgh's safety. Turns out that they thought I was going to incite a riot and it is indeed a illegal to brandish a weapon. And I very nearly got arrested.
To top it off I asked the police man for a hug upon my release, and got rejected.
My only regret is that I didn't shout ''you may take our lives, but you'll never take... our FREEDOM'' while sprinting down the street, brandishing a sword.
newbie614: You're damn lucky you did not get shot by the police. I read in the news recently about a black man carrying a sword who was shot dead by police.
Teryna4: I assume that was in the US, Uk police tend not to be nearly as trigger-happy.
newbie614: Yes, it was in the U.S.
MrPlaidShirt54: [Ahem.](http://imgur.com/MaHuaEL)
mustangwolf1997: ~~Yarp.~~
Edit: Wait, no. Remembered my favourite line.
----------------------
Angel: "I may not be a man of god, but I know right, and I know wrong. And I have the good grace to know which is which."
Reverend: "Ohh... Fuck off, grasshopper."
| 6 | 22.666667 | |
1411312053 | 1411350755 | t3_2h1dw9 | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my wife pregnant
We found out at the beginning of this year that my wife is pregnant with our fourth child. We were shocked and worried. My son has special needs and requires a good deal of attention, and I was working about 30 hours a week at a grocery store, obviously not making much money. After much consideration, we decided that we could handle providing this baby with a loving home, so we decided to continue with the pregnancy.
I was expecting to take only a week off from work after the birth, as I had done in the past. However, this baby was larger than normal and stuck in the breech position, so my wife was scheduled for a C-section. The recovery is difficult and she cannot lift more than 10 lbs for six weeks. I applied for more time off under the Family Medical Leave Act. The money would be very tight, but we budgeted accordingly and thought we would be fine.
Last week, I was scheduled for only 14 hours. I was informed by my boss that I was not on the schedule at all for this week, in case the baby came early and I couldn't make my shifts. I asked to be considered for at least some hours, but I was still not put on the schedule. I will probably not have any hours the week afterwards, either, and then my leave starts so I definitely will have nothing.
I asked how many hours I would have when my time-off was over and my boss said that I probably would not have nearly as much as I usually got (30). He hired a bunch of new people and didn't want to take their hours away when I came back.
I've worked at that store for four years. I know how to do everything, including managerial stuff, though that hasn't stopped me from being passed over for promotion twice to new employees. I'm the most senior employee there and I've trained some of the new people, some of whom have 30 hours next week while I have zero.
I've been replaced.
The department of labor says there's nothing they can do since I'm an at-will employee.
I can start searching for another job, but all I've done is retail, and I have no idea what my availability will be because we don't know how my wife is going to handle recovery. She wants to search for a job as well, but will be unable to work until the six-week recovery period is over.
We can't afford to pay rent and are running short on other bills as well.
We're screwed.
**EDIT:** In light of some comments I would like to make something clear. I am aware that most Americans believe that a good deal of money is necessary for a happy family. My wife and I do not subscribe to this particular belief. We do not have very much money but we do have lots of love. Our children are very well taken care of and, so far, have grown to be very happy and well-developed, including my son with autism. There is no reason to believe that this baby will be any different. Moral judgments regarding the size of my family are understandable but unnecessary in this thread.
pentag0: I don't want to sound like insensitive prick but, who makes 4 kids in these fucked up times? Are you idiot or what?
WPBDoc: Congratulation, you not only sound like an insensitive prick, you ARE one. Why the hell do people think it's any of their damn business how many kids someone should have?
serpnt: People make it their business because they might care to begin with. Having that 4th child will affect more than just that family, like how committing suicide thinking that it's none of anyone else's business actually affects countless others.
If it ever came down to a decision, I would abort my fourth child if it meant the fourth wouldn't have to live through suffering. If I knew that it'd be brought into a shitty life and upbringing when it "deserves" a fair chance at life, I would make that decision. I'd have to be extremely selfish and shortsighted to believe that bringing it into the world to be the correct decision.
WPBDoc: Thanks for confirming that you are selfish, self-centered bastard then. Murder a child because of YOUR prejudged opinions. I have FOUR children. Yep. FOUR. Here's the irony for you....they are ALL children whose birthmothers were headed to an abortion clinic and changed her mind. They would all disagree with your selfish, shortsighted, ignorant mentality.
[deleted]: Opinions on abortion aside, what OP did was extremely irresponsible and he should be shamed for his selfish and ignorant life choices. Nobody needs four children, especially children that can't be provided for. "Gee, I'm a month pregnant with our fourth child and our only source of income is your part time job at a grocery store, let's go ahead and have this kid." Just because it's too late to abort now doesn't mean it wasn't a good idea to abort a few weeks after finding out. Or better yet, use birth control.
WPBDoc: You can't just put "opinion on abortion aside" when you are talking about a human life. It's like saying, "Opinions on genocide aside", what is going on in Syria helps population control. The man can find additional work and there are plenty of ways to obtain support. I regularly give money to people who are struggling to raise their children. I'd give this guy money if he had a "fundme" account. He could give the child to an infertile couple to rear and make their lives filled with joy and hope and purpose. I'm thankful that the birthparents who gave me the four children who call me dad the opportunity to meet their potential and did what was right, now what was convenient.
[deleted]: It is disingenuous to throw the term "human life" around when talking about a zygote or a non-viable fetus. It is also disingenuous to regard all instances of abortion as a "wrong" decision. You don't get to make that call, only the mother and her physician can do that. What is wrong and selfish, however, is having children you can't provide for. Not every kid gets adopted by altruistic foster parents. Many of them grow up in a shitty environment with their birth parents who can't properly care for them. They end up contributing negatively to this world and perpetuate the cycle of poverty and ignorance.
WPBDoc: Well then, you are simply a moral monster with no ethical compass. I'm not going to rehash this ad infinitum. It's Reddit after all. But should I be so-inclined, I could make a case as rational as yours that the OP should go ahead and knock off his autistic child.
| 9 | 5.444444 | |
1411314063 | 1411390917 | t3_2h1gwq | t5_2to41 | 15 | TIFUThrowaway5876: TIFU By (Not) Fucking my Best Friend's Ex.
So...I have been cuddle buddies with my best friend's ex for about 3 weeks. These two still have feeling for one another but the situation is complicated. Mind you while I did this, I made sure my friend knew what we were doing. Everything was cool up until last night.
Yesterday started for me around 7 in the morning. I had work and spend most of the morning working outdoors (important for the narrative, bear with me). Came back; had lunch; passed out. Woke up at 4pm with a text from her. We started going back and forth about life until the conversation started getting too deep for texting. We agreed to meet like we usually do at my place around 11pm.
It started with just polite conversation, morphed into borrowed t-shirt and gym shorts, turned into Netflix, and before I knew it the clock displayed 4 a.m. today. By this time I am worn out, but we were very tightly intertwined on the bed.
This is where it started to fall apart. First off, from the pre-mentioned work, I had swallowed down a fist full of Advil to keep my back in check. All throughout the night we have been messing with each other and my mind was now drenched in testosterone and fatigue. My judgment slipped, and we start getting lost in one another. To add another layer to this, I was virgin and was extremely nervous. Combine my nervousness, fatigue, and my dose of anti-inflammatory Advil, my private refused to come to attention. After a long time of trying we ended up not being able to do the deed.
Ended up not sleeping well, woke up early, brewed some coffee, and watched her leave. I now sit here at my computer with my pride slightly hurt but mostly with dread of seeing my best friend again. Just a few days ago I made him a promise that I was not interested in her in that way.
TL;DR – Violated the trust of a good friend by not fucking his “its complicated” ex.
Edit: I just told him. Went surprisingly well. Remembered why he my best friend.
SilentOneBravo: done this, I was blunt and told my mate, didn't talk for a week or so. In the end we are still mates. So don't beat your self up over this, we sometimes think with our libido and not our brains.
TIFUThrowaway5876: How the hell am I supposed to say, "Hey so that girl you still like? Totally tried to f* her." ? And I thought my pride was hurt now. I'll have to tell him soon though. There is talk of them getting back together.
pulsefrequency: First of all, get in that fucking ass before they get back together if you want any hope of relinquishing your manhood. We don't care, this is for you. Second, didn't matter had sex. And lastly, calm the fuck down and get your dick wet bro
i_pk_pjers_i: There's more to life than sex, man... Don't put the pussy on a pedestal.
Bros before hoes, man.
pulsefrequency: Yea I used to think that too, then I grew up
i_pk_pjers_i: I own a house with no mortgage. How am I not grown up, exactly? You're not going to get anywhere in life if you think sex is everything.
pulsefrequency: Well, I never said you weren't grown up, people just have different priorities. I don't own a house but I do work and the only thing keeping me going is coming home to make my SO very happy. I don't really care about owning a house or having money, I survive and we're happy.
i_pk_pjers_i: You kind of implied that I wasn't grown up which couldn't be further from the truth. I guess people just want different things out of life but my point is I am just as grown up as anyone else here even though I don't prioritize sex over everything else.
pulsefrequency: Congratulations!
| 10 | 1.5 | |
1411310195 | 1411343622 | t3_2h1bag | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my S.O. cunnilingus and realising afterwards that there was blood all over her vagina.
So first post here and thought it was definitely a big fuck up...
Not a lot of backstory but it was a long stressful day moving house. Finally got all the belongings to the new place and of course decided to set up the bed first since it was quite late and where else would we sleep..? Turned the light off and popped on a movie and got in bed ready to pass out!
Now my girlfriend decides she wants to get a little frisky and there was no way I was going to say no! Started getting a little physical and of course the best way to warm a woman up is by giving that woman some loving downstairs with your tongue.
It's quite dark in the room with the only light coming from the TV so I can barely see a thing but I taste "that taste"... The taste of iron that blood has.... I look down and see that her vagina is covered in blood... So of course I start mentally freaking out thinking she must have just started her period and that's not what you want in your life... Especially after you've just spent 10 minutes in an imaginary envelope factory and you needed to lick your way out!
So I jump up and pretend I need to use the bathroom, when I get there I look in the mirror and my face from my top lip down is covered in blood...
Turns out, I got my first nose bleed at 23 tonight.... Thanks body for picking the best moment in my life to get a nosebleed, thanks a lot...
I had to wash my face off, put some toilet paper up my nose to stop the bleeding and return to my extremely horny girlfriend and explain that I had just covered her vagina in my blood... Definitely not something that you want to happen in a relationship!
Hope at least you guys get some laughs out of this!
Stop_Being_A_Creep: Did you not taste it? Blood has a pretty distinctive taste.
Harwardt5: I'm pretty sure in his story he said he could taste "that taste that blood has" so yeah I'm Going to guess he tasted it
| 3 | 2 | |
1411296951 | 1411355606 | t3_2h0y0a | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: Tifu by puking on the train on a girl I like.
So last night I was having pre drinks with this girl I like before heading out nightclubbing. It was going well and I was really excited to go out. I was dressed up, make up perfect, bits shaved ready for a night of partying and hopefully getting laid.
Made plans to meet at my fave club with my best friend who I haven't seen in a month and I was missing her so badly. Then I fell asleep on this girl I was with when we were catching a train into the city. Woke up and puked in my hands, we had to get off the train and I puked fucking everywhere, it was horrible. We take the train back home and she puts me to bed and then catches a taxi to a guy she's seeing while I puke in the toilet.
Tl;dr: Drank too many pre drinks, pucked in hands on the train and had to go home. Ruined the night and lost all chances with the girl I like.
ShakeandBake298: Stan Marsh?
[deleted]: Who?
Maxibor42: Stan Marsh from the show South Park pukes when he is in love.
[deleted]: That's great haha
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1411314903 | 1411324957 | t3_2h1i6d | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: Tifu by speeding to girlfriends church.
Just for context I'm a 19 year old male with a passion for speeding.
Today I woke up ready to meet my girlfriend's folks at church. The thing is I was about 10 minutes late from my normal departure time. I run to the driveway and see two cars a 99 Escort and a 05 Lincoln. Naturally I steal my dad's Lincoln. Fast was the game I was playing and getting to church on time was the only way to win. Wiping past cars and at times doubling the (srs) "suggested road speed." At this point I'm making great time, and as a bonus the weather was great. ( really foggy) I thought there is no way the cops could see me...
Except one did. He was going the opposite way on a double lane highway,but his radar knew how fast I was going and the game I was playing. Lights flashed his tires lost traction as his car lurched forward to the nearest turn off. My first reaction was not pull over; it was with a slick smile I CAN LOOSE HIM!!!! So I put the peddle down as far as it could go and took off down a side street.
Half an hour later I'm 45 minutes away from the city I was in sitting at a small town coffee shop.
Let's just say I might be single.
Tifu by avoiding the cops and making an awesome first impression on my girlfriend's parents by not showing up. She is not impressed.
[deleted]: Cool story for the kids later
Csardonic1: If they don't die in a terrible speeding accident before he can tell them.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411316368 | 1411332102 | t3_2h1k37 | t5_2to41 | 356 | I_Am_A_Total_Idiot: TIFU by apparently being a pedophile
**Preface**: So I am not a runner. I am however, friends with lots of runners. Like all my friends are runners, ultra marathoners, and triathletes. I am the kind of chubby guy that is slow (5'8 200lbs so not fat but I could stand to lose a few pounds) in our group. I don't care about winning races, I don't really enjoy running. I do however, love my friends, and enjoy the experience of the races. Also I am shallow and love finishers medals.
**The story:** Well so my friends convinced me to do a half marathon in December and to prep for it do a 10 race series before it. Well the race series is two 5ks, two 5 milers, two 10ks, two 10 milers, and two half marathons. Today was the second 10k.
Well during every race there has been this pretty attractive chick that has been around my pace for most of the time. I will admit to being a bit of a lech and using her ass to motivate me to continue. However, this girl is also incredibly tiny. Like stick figure tiny. Hardcore runner tiny. Her being way back at my pace (12 to 13 minute miles) drives me crazy because everyone I know that is her size is insanely fast. So what is her explanation? Why would she not be running a 8 or 9 minute pace? Well every race so far we have jockeyed for position, with her in front for a while, then me, then her, and so forth. Well today, my curiosity finally got the better of me. I had to find out her story. I had to find out why she was at my pace while being so damn fit. She was very pleasant to talk to for about a half mile and turns out she is not really a runner, but she is an ice skater. We exchanged pleasantries and finished the race together. I then went off to have breakfast with a bunch of my friends as per usual. As I was heading to my car, I saw her and said I would see her next week.
**The fuck up:** Well I had memorized the girls bib number, so I decided to look it up when I got home because I knew she was young, but I thought maybe 18 or 19. Turns out she is 14. I am turning 31 in December. I can never look at or talk to this girl ever again. When I saw her age I actually felt ill and figured Chris Hansen would be turning up at my house.
**TLDR:** I am almost 31 and I have apparently been staring at the ass of a 14 year old for the last 3 months while thinking she was 18 or 19 at the youngest.
Mixographer: If it's any consolation, you're an hebephile and if you still like her next year, you'll be an ephebophile. You aren't a paedophile.
This can be what you scream at the police during your arrest.
doctorish: What is the name for someone who is attracted to people that are technically correct?
Mixographer: I've yet to meet such a person :(
doctorish: ...till now ;)
Mixographer: Nailed it.
BobVosh: now...kith.
SleepyIX: Mike Tython pleathe!
| 8 | 44.5 | |
1411312939 | 1411435774 | t3_2h1f6z | t5_2to41 | 46 | Tkachenko: TIFU by eating my first pot brownie on a school field trip to the Phillies game
So, TIFU with my friend (who we will call C) fucking with edibles for the first time. C and I were officers in our school's environmental action club. We were invited to walk up and down the stands collecting bottles and cans in our green bags. This was part of Citizen Bank Park's "Red Goes Green" initiative which was their attempt at showing just how environmentally responsible they were. In return, we were given a meal ticket and got to watch the game for a bit after we recycled for an hour and a half. So, the night before, C and I bought 1 weed brownie each from a friend. We had never eaten edibles before but were so sure that we'd be okay. Right before we went off the bus to get into the park, we decided to both eat the entire thing. We walk the stands a bit collecting cans and bottles for a while feeling nothing and decide to get some hot dogs with our meal vouchers. We both admit to begin to feel some kind of sensation from the brownies. We eat the hot dogs and wait another 15 minutes (we were on our break) til C sits down on a chair and throws up *everything* right onto the ground in front of everyone. I am absolutely horrified. I tell him we need to get him to the bathroom so no one sees us and he agrees but keeps throwing up. A security officer sees us and calls the medic. C's eyes are red as tomatoes and I assume mine are equally as bad.. So, C is still throwing up, making an impressively large pile of vomit and hot dog on the floor, the medic arrives on some kind of golf cart looking thing with a cot on the back, and the security officer is kind of just looking at both of us. They take C to the medical bay and an older lady who I'm guessing was also working there (or literally a random lady. I don't even know) was trying to calm me down. We walk to the medical bay where I see C on a cot and like 4 nurses around him. I sit down in a chair while they do some tests on him. I remember one of the nurses looking at a thermometer and saying (yeah, he's a little high. I was convinced they knew until I realized that she was talking about his temperature). My mind and body are freaking out. I'm terrified and remembered that we still need to be doing the recycling thing, so I tell C that I'm gonna go finish up cause we only had a bit to go and I didn't want our supervisor to get pissed. I go back and I'm walking through crowds like some kind of assassins creed shit. Nothing seemed real and everything was like a movie. I walked the stands with my bag collecting recyclables. I couldn't even speak. I was just looking at people and holding out my bag like some kind of recycling trick or treater. I went to the bathroom and just stared at myself in the mirror for probably 5 minutes. Just stared. Weird. The day winds down and all of the club members meet near the bus. The supervisor says she hopes C will be okay. I freeze. "uhhhh you guys know about C?... They tell me yes and that he threw up and they took him to CHOP (Philly's Children Hospital). I'm actually still high as shit at this point and I'm *horrified*. I text C later that night and he told me that the hospital found out he was high and told his parents. Despite this, the club supervisor said we did a great job. Do not fuck with edibles.
*For clarification, this actually happened a while ago
prosthetic4head: I think you dropped "C's" full name near the end, if you care.
Tkachenko: Thanks lol
420AmazingDragons: It's still in there haha
Tkachenko: Shit, guys, I'm trying
be_ashamed: still there again
| 6 | 7.666667 | |
1411318023 | 1411318937 | t3_2h1mxl | t5_2to41 | 6 | Thorroden: TIFU by trying to get lunch at my gf's work.
So for context, my girlfriend and I rent a room from her sister in her home recently her sister has put her house on the market and there are regular viewings over the weekends. As well, my girlfriend and I have a small amount of time to save money, find a place, and move. So needless to say I'm stressed, and I can't even spend my weekend playing games and relaxing, so I'm frustrated.
So during todays viewing I decide to go visit my girlfriend at the subway she works at (also the subway I worked at, and recently quit for a better job). When I get in my girlfriend is sweeping up the lobby ad I decide to sit down and wait for her to be finished before I order. This is when my asshole of a former employer walks in. This guys does not like me. He immediately begins to tell me I'm distracting his workers and that I need to leave. When I say that I just wanted a sandwich, he tells me he doesn't need my business, tells me again to leave and not come back. So I leave and on the way out just call human asshole.
While sitting outside killing time to go home I notice that he's been in there for a while. And I'm beginning to worry he is going to punish my girlfriend or even fire her for my conduct. I've texted her but have received no reply. I'm sitting in the bar across the street right now waiting. If I got her fired only months before we need to move I am definitely fucked. I'm praying that I'm underestimating how much of an asshole my boss is.
TL;DR: went to see girlfriend at former place of employment. Former employer bans me from store, I call him an asshole. Worried he's going to fire my girlfriend.
mjnbrn: Should have gotten Jimmy Johns.
Thorroden: I fuckin' knew it too
| 3 | 2 | |
1411280685 | 1411344909 | t3_2h0kpa | t5_2to41 | 25 | Darkheart91: TIFU by ordering Tea...
So, I do some work for a few charity organisations. The downside is that some of these happen to be in the morning. I'm a night owl usually so it takes me a bit to wake up. I decided today I was going to stop by a popular fast food chain's drive through for breakfast on my way.
I get there and order a burger and a "standard english breakfast tea from the cafe please". No worries. They tell me the price and I drive forward. I usually work at this place too, so we have a chat etc, I pay and they give me my order.
Except my order of boiling hot tea is filled up to the brim. I'm sure they were trying to be nice to get me maximum of what I paid for? But it is then that I realise that I have no cup holder...and as I'm driving away it's starting to spill over into my lap.
Shit.
So as I'm driving I decide it's best to just rest the cup on the passenger seat and save my poor lap from being burnt. Big mistake. The lid of the cup pops off as I'm moving to put it down and burning hot liquid falls all over my hands...and I'm wearing gloves. So as the liquid is soaking into my gloves and burning my skin, I'm cursing and trying to tear them off my hands as I'm driving.
Long story short, instead of making it to my charity work today I made it to the hospital to fix my poor burnt hands.
TLDR; TIFU by ordering a hot tea, burning my hands and ending up with my hands looking like a mummy's.
nagumi: Talk to a lawyer. It's not supposed to be hot enough to actually cause second degree burns. That's unnacceptable.
Darkheart91: I would but it feels like more trouble than it's worth? My hands are fine now (It had happened last week).
nagumi: At the least, I would write a very strongly worded letter explaining that you will not pursue legal options as long as you are shown definitively that they've taken steps to prevent it in the future.
Darkheart91: That actually sounds like a good idea. Thanks!
nagumi: Sure! In exchange, I'd like a hot cup of tea.
Darkheart91: lol! Never again will I make the mistake of ordering drive through tea...but if you want some you'll have to find me first :P
nagumi: Next up: drive through hot chocolate!
| 8 | 3.125 | |
1411318508 | 1411322609 | t3_2h1nsi | t5_2to41 | 5 | orose24: TIFU by being a coward and not making an appointment . Currently sobbing.
So a few months ago I started to have sharp but not constant or long lasting tooth pain. I'm a whiny bitch when it comes to the dentist so I ignore it and up my dental hygiene. It stayed but wasn't.bad enough for.me care. I kept remembering the last time I was there for a cleaning and filling. Crying, shaking, hyperventilating, and nearly throwing up all happened. Yay but no thanks.
Went a month ago after it got worse. The dentist office was tiny and hot. The wait line small and wait time long. The dentist sucked, said it was normal and kicked.me out.
Fast forward to today . I get woken up by intense pain radiating all along one gum line. It's a Sunday. I have homework still and my period. I have a cat to feed. I'm currently.in bed alternating between wanting to.kill myself and that dentist. I knew I should have went and made an appointment somewhere else. My gut told me . My parents told me. My dreams.did. Numbing cream isn't working . Dying.
Fuck, TIFU
yogurt_yogurt: It's probably a root canal
orose24: Noooooo
But he said no cavities . =(
PoppingLollies: If not a root canal, it's probably a pocket in your gum. I had a root canal done before my dentist noticed the gum thing. Now, I stock floss like crazy. But it does sound like a root canal. Cavities, as I am told, manifest in strange places in teeth.
orose24: It might be wisdom tooth. Their coming in. =,(
All sounds painful. I didn't know gums got pockets.
| 5 | 1 | |
1411318712 | 1411396717 | t3_2h1o3q | t5_2to41 | 10 | Snaptic77: TIFU by leaving the door unlocked
For the past week I have been house sitting for my sister and her boyfriend while they are on vacation in Mexico. They live in a one bedroom apartment in an apartment building on the ground floor. Because they're on the ground floor, they have a door that opens to the outside and a small patio. Now, we always use this as the main door instead of the proper main door as it's easier to use this one than the door inside the apartment building. The biggest thing is that this door doesn't have a latch, just a lock, so even if you're home the door needs to be locked at all times.
This morning I got up as normal. I fed the cat then went to go to the grocery store. I locked the door when I left, went to the grocery store and did my thing. When I came home, my hands were pretty full, so I open the door, pull it closed behind me and go put away my groceries. I forgot to lock it. After putting the groceries away, I walk out of the kitchen and see that the door is wide open. I then realise the cat is nowhere to be found. Keep in mind that this door opens up to the outside and the parking lot, not the hallway of an apartment building. It's now been three hours and I have no idea where the cat is.
**TL;DR** Forgot to lock the door, lost my sister's cat while she's in Mexico.
DaSamMan: Check under the bed! Sneaky fucker is probably hiding in the apartment laughing at you!
Snaptic77: If only he was. He also likes to sit under an SUV that parks outside the door, so I was hoping he'd be there, but no luck.
KoD123455: So this is not an outdoor cat but you know where it likes to sit outside? I don't understand. In any event, if the cat doesn't turn up soon, get some posters printed and shit..
Snaptic77: We let him outside every now and then, but you have to keep an eye on him because he wanders. And seeing as he didn't grow up an outdoor cat we don't really trust him not to get hit by a car or something.
It's dark now and he still hasn't showed up. I'm not sure what to do tomorrow, as I'll have to go to school but I don't want to miss if he turns up.
KoD123455: I guess you can't take a "sick day" or something?
I don't know man, I love cats more than most things on this planet. If I were you I would spend tomorrow looking for him while regulary checking back home to see if he might have returned on his own.
Best of luck to you.
Snaptic77: I really wish I could, but I'm uni and I don't think a cat would be considered a valid excuse to miss class.
I have a cat at home and he means everything to me. I feel awful right know, because I know how much I would be worried if my cat went missing. I really hope I can find him.
KoD123455: Well.. I got nothing. I hope you find him/he returns.
As far as I know, chances of that are pretty high, so there is that.
Anyway, best of luck, hang in there. Ours was gone for 3 or 4 days before we found him, he was almost in shouting distance the entire time, just didn't feel like it was time to come home yet.
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1411318796 | 1411364067 | t3_2h1o8r | t5_2to41 | 98 | Lord_Alesus: Tifu by "just going to sauna"
Meet me, avarage 17 Finnish boy. Me and my four friends are going to sauna together and "just have a good time". There were no parents home so my friend whips out a 80% vodka bottle and a full case of beer and says lets have a good time.
We start drinking and swimming in the lake nearby. Me who is pretty lightweight what comes to booze is getting hammered from almost half a liter of that satan (vodka).
Fast foward a few moments and Im crawling on floor like spiderman and totally hammered. We go upstairs and start taking whisky shots. At that point I go take a piss at the bathroom. When I close the door I immediately start vomiting like a madman all over the place. But no it wont stop there. For the next 2 and a half hours I puke like a firehose on the bathroom. My friends are outside and laughing at me while I cry in a sea of vomit on the bathroom floor.
Come morning I wake up to the most absurd and infernal hangover of all time. I ozzy osbourne myself to the living room where my friends are sleeping and gather up my shit and get my shaking zombie looking ass home. At home I proceed to vomit more and I literally think about killing myself to get the pain and misery to stop.
Writing this while slowly recovering from this "just a sauna" experience. Never. Again.
Tl; dr: fun sauna night goes horribly wrong. Infernal hangover and suicidal taughts. Fuck my life
_V115_: Almost half a litre of 80% vodka?!
Lord_Alesus: Yeah... ofc we mixed it to juice and energy drinks but I consumed almost half a liter of that shit
weebox: So there's 5 of you and you drink half of the vodka? Doesn't make sense.
Lightweight and .5 of 80% vodka? Doesn't make sense.
I dont know ANYONE that could handle a liter of 40% vodka.
cheeseflap: That's because you're American. Do yourself a favour, go to Finland or Russia some day. You will see vodka drinking feats that will blow your mind. Source, married to a russki, get dragged to Russia frequently for benders. Scottish, so capable.
weebox: I'm American? thanks brah
| 6 | 16.333333 | |
1411316186 | 1411322683 | t3_2h1jt1 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing what little i had.
Yesterday i was paid my salary, while my girlfriend slept in the bed next to me, i managed to find a new casino site that i hadnt previously self excluded myself from. Over the course of an hour i managed to lose every penny in my bank account. I have no credit availability due to having no credit history and my car payments and rent are due at the end of this week. I consider myself a logical and bright person, but gambling takes a hold and then i begin to chase the losses and things spiral. I need my car to get to my job, i need a place to live for obvious reasons, no idea how im going to get around this one! Wish me luck.
Rje45: Holy smokes man. Good luck. Get some help, too.
mitchellmm02: Cheers mate, i have done well before this, hadnt gambled for over 4 months, but just goes to show it only takes one session to go back to square one! Food bank here i come........
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1411319734 | 1411323232 | t3_2h1psl | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by marrying a pleb
On Friday I was having a pretty sour day at work so I decided to text my husband for a bit of cheering up and this is what transpired:
My husband is a delivery driver and was on a short delivery during the evening school rush hour, he parks the car up on the side of the road and, seeing that it's too busy to get out the drivers side, hops over to the passenger side and gets out. Considering it's a small delivery he decides to leave the engine running.
So as I said he gets out the passenger side and automatically flips the lock, shuts the door and walks off to make his delivery. My husband also likes to lock the drivers side when he's driving...
He gets back and lo and behold he's locked himself out of the car! Husband calls roadside assistance who won't be with him for an hour and will probably damage the car getting in!
Whilst he's waiting he's texting me letting me know what he's done and I am between fuming and calling bullshit, how can you be that dumb? Who does that?
Five minutes later I get a text "You're going to giggle", as he is sat on the side of the road sulking he's become aware of just how warm it is outside and his brain starts to work, when it's warm you roll the window down... as expected the drivers side window was rolled all the way down.
I fucked up by marrying a pleb.
svensudels: Forgive my ignorance, but what is a "pleb"?
PM_me_your_evilgrin: Usually a person of low social status. Shortened version of plebeian.
drdeadringer: To add, here's the Urban Dictionary [which I looked up to remind myself].
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pleb
| 4 | 1 | |
1411317527 | 1411340809 | t3_2h1m48 | t5_2to41 | 105 | FearItself0: TIFU by letting a bee chill in my room
So yesterday afternoon a bee flew into my room through a crack in the window. I closed the crack so nothing else would get in and I went to go kill the bee. I couldn't find it, however, and I quickly forgot the bee was in here.
Cue to 5:30 this morning and I'm woken up by this bee stinging the fuck out of my back. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say this is probably the worst fucking way to be woken up. Because not only was my back now aching like fuck, I had to now kill this god damn bee in the middle of the god damn night before I could go back to sleep.
I don't even know if I killed it. I hit it with a notebook and I saw it go down but I couldn't and still can't find its body. I ended up just passing out again without being sure if it was alive but it was the worst fucking sleep ever because the whole god damn time I was expecting to get stung again. I'm refusing now to even touch my floor cause I know that little bitch is probably hiding somewhere on the carpet waiting to sting me one last time before it dies.
Fuck you bee
__Viper__: Bees die after they sting someone.
arturod8: Not all of them if IRC
shadyultima: He's probably thinking of a yellow jacket, a wasp that is commonly called a bee. An actual bee only stings when in mortal danger, as the act of the sting kills the bee.
FearItself0: It was indeed a yellow jacket.
| 5 | 21 | |
1411321249 | 1411323358 | t3_2h1s98 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Virgoan: TIFU by grabbing a fire ant infested food bowl.
I went out this morning barefoot to say good morning too my outdoor cat. He was crying for food which I thought was strange because there was food in his dish last night. I walked back and reached down to the bowl noticing the food was moving. I focused on now the obvious piles of fire ants who thought this was now their home. They even brought the larva. I looked at my bare feet standing in their make shift 4 lane high way. I ran for the water hose dowsing my feet in scalding water from the sun baked hose. It wasn't all that bad considering now the itchy stinging welts that were appearing. I ran back inside, leaping over the highway like attack of the 50 ft woman. Now equipped with shoes, it was time to tackle the source. I reached down and picked up the bowl on a deceivingly clear part. The fuckers were under the lip of it and beneath it and emerged during the transportation to the hose. They bit my hand to shit instead of enjoying the airplane ride, just ungrateful. I sprayed it all down,and a little at my cat who watched all this impatiently still wanting food.
Oh and today I've got to be in photographs. "Your left hand isn't in any of these. What happened?" They'll say. "Attack on Titan."
littlekidsjl: I went to grad shool in Texas and decided to wash my car one day and the hose ran across a fire ant hill. Before I knew it they went up the hose and were on my arms and legs. I was sick for a week in a bendryl-induced haze. When I felt better those mothafuckas died a chemical death!
Virgoan: Done that too!
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1411325109 | 1411400824 | t3_2h1yxe | t5_2to41 | 855 | galumph_triumph: TIFU and almost got killed by a group of men for changing out of my work clothes
This wasn't today, but I was recently told that I should put this on TIFU.
In my junior college years I was a server at a very expensive Italian restaurant. We had nice outfits. After work on Friday nights, I'd typically drive over to my girlfriend's place.
She lived in a housing complex with a really nice pool and a little children's playground area where parents would let their youngins run free. I left work around 6PM (only two hours after arriving) because I felt sick. The girlfriend and I planned to watch movies all night.
The only parking spot I could find was right in between the pool and the park. So I parked the car and started changing my clothes, not wanting to bring the stinky outfit into my girl's place. Changing in a car sucks because sometimes your underwear gets pulled down when you try to take off your pants. This is exactly what happened.
Right when I pull my pants down, a shadow falls over my lap, and I look up at my driver's side window. There is a little girl, probably 7 years old, just standing directly in front of my window, two inches from it, staring in at me. She looks at me and starts shrieking wildly, then runs away to the park.
Three adult men come bounding up to my car, open the door, and pull me out of it, my shirt still off. In the background I can hear the girl screaming, "HE SHOWED ME HIS PRIVATES!! HE ASKED ME TO TOUCH THEM!!!" and shes jumping around, as if throwing a play-tantrum.
I'm trying to explain myself, but it's pretty apparent that I'm going to get my ass beat. Then the girl's older sister (who I've never met before) comes running up and gets between me and the guys, and she says, "FRANK IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY, SHE'S A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR! She does this all the time."
So the guys leave and I talk to the girl for a few more minutes. She tells me her little sister constantly says that strangers try to kidnap her, and her parents are dead, and all kinds of utter nonsense. The girl tells her little sister to apologize to me, and she does so reluctantly. As they walk away, the little girl turns around to look at me, and I make the throat-slitting gesture. She starts whining again, and I dash to my girlfriend's house.
RookieAR15: and just like that a girl can fuck up a grown mans life.
LeWanabee: a child*
King_Allant: More often a girl than not, it seems to me.
LeWanabee: Even if that's true, it doesn't mean that you should generalize it
King_Allant: Every type of person can screw up any other kind of person's life. Saying "child" is generalizing, too.
LeWanabee: In this particular case we are talking about childs, cause an adult just wouldn't work.
On the other side, said child could be a boy or a girl it wouldn't change a thing.
King_Allant: I think it probably would have made the folks that were about to beat him up somewhat less hostile, since boys lying is more common in T.V. and popular culture.
LeWanabee: > Even if that's true, it doesn't mean that you should generalize it
| 9 | 95 | |
1411324924 | 1411412339 | t3_2h1yl8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Small3y: Tifu by destroying £1000s of electrical at work!
Working warehouse at a big uk retailer, moving milk delivery on a motorised pallet truck (Mastermover).
I took the corner too fast next to the DAB radio/Headphone/Bluetooth speaker display. About 40 litres of milk all over the displays and floor!
DeathAndRebirth: Wow thats an expensive fuck up, who had to clean it all up? haha
Small3y: I cleaned the milk up, went and told the manager that I tipped a tetra of milk over and these are the damaged bottles... Told me to put them in the waste and make sure the area is clean.
Expecting to be called in when I get back though
andywho88: An old coworker of mine destroyed over $6000 worth of circuit boards on a Wave Machine once. Manager was mad because it caused a delay in shipment, not because of the product cost. Companies know that waste product happens, it's usually factored into the cost of production. I wouldn't stress myself too much if I were you.
Small3y: Yeah not too worried. One night a guy tipped a full pallet of vodka! So funny manager didn't know what to tell the store manager aha
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1411318673 | 1411338796 | t3_2h1o1f | t5_2to41 | 8 | frenchmeister: TIFU by getting slapped in the face by pizza
I was eating leftover deep dish pizza for breakfast on the couch, but at one point I went to cut a piece off with my fork and slipped, and my entire plate flipped toward me somehow. My pizza went flying, slapping me in the nose before landing face down on my chest and arm. The worst part is that it actually hurt :/
KuraiGenkai: But did you still eat it?
frenchmeister: No because the toppings and sauce fell off all over the place and I was left with just crust and creese :( I even found crumbs in the pocket of my robe later.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411324623 | 1411334608 | t3_2h1y2g | t5_2to41 | 2 | ZombieLinux: TIFU by breaking the phone I was going to sell tomorrow.
So I've had the same cell phone for 2 and a half years (HTC One X, for whatever that matters).
I got a new phone yesterday. So I wiped and cleaned and updated my old One X for sale. Someone was going to buy it for ~130$ the whole deal was set.
I dropped the phone, breaking the screen. Instantly devaluing the phone to near nothing.
I'm pissed at myself. I needed that $130 to help pay for school....
ManletPrideParade: You could probably get an install a new screen for less than the price you were going to sell it for.
ZombieLinux: That's what I'm going to to. It's a 40$ loss nonetheless. And 40$ is a lot on a student budget.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411326304 | 1411356512 | t3_2h211c | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by not sitting across from my GF
This fuck-up actually happened yesterday:
My GF's parents decided they wanted to meet me before I took their daughter on an actual date, and so I agreed to meet them at a restaurant. Now, I am a teenage male, and do not have a license, so I was picked up by her brother and his wife, along with her. They are headed to a restaurant in town, and when we get there and walk in, I realize that her family is a bunch of rednecks. As in they are full-blown stereotypical ones, complete with cowboy hat, boots, etc. She and her brother/his wife didn't seem hickish at all, so I was a bit surprised. Nothing wrong with them being rednecks though, they were good people. They had just brought EVERYONE to meet me. So, I walk in, shake everyone's hand and introduce myself. As I'm about to sit down, my GF asks whether or not I want to sit beside or across from her. I choose to sit beside her, and her mom takes the seat next to me, that way she could initiate conversation and learn a bit more about me. Cue me making small talk for a few minutes, and then our food arrives. After my plate is placed in front of me, I hear her mother sneeze. *And then it happens.* I feel wet droplets hit my (exposed) arm. Cue me sitting still for about 5 seconds, just staring straight ahead, not saying a word. I'd like to think that my food was saliva free, but I doubt it. *Shudder.* I didn't tell my GF, and don't plan to, especially since she was already nervous about me meeting her family anyway. I really regretted not sitting across from her...
TL;DR: Didn't sit across from GF at dinner, mother ends up spraying me and my food in saliva.
wifemakesmewearplaid: Run bro. run away.
disturbed_redditor: I'm a bit too attached to their daughter at this point...ಠ╭╮ಠ
wifemakesmewearplaid: the apple NEVER falls far from the tree.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1411330803 | 1411348836 | t3_2h28zl | t5_2to41 | 7 | twtCharlie: TIFU by *modding* my Macbook Pro Retina.
Modded with tire of truck on hard pavement while working on truck. Laptop still works, stress-tested it with a few games of HOTS. New curve in the frame is ergonomic, may serve as an airflow assistant.
Pics: http://imgur.com/a/n7xTk
Can anyone tell me how much the screens cost to replace? Am I completely fucked? Can apple fix these kinds of things?
twtCharlie: Apple care not surprisingly is NOT interested in providing coverage, though they'll gladly serve me up an estimated cost of damage. Trouble is, it's working now. This is my work computer. Do I let them open the case and risk fubaring the laptop?
wackattackyo: I would suggest being dishonest. Go into the store and tell them that you had it in your bag while jogging or some bullshit and when you opened your bag, it came out like this. Say some shit about how the battery was running hot or something. The dumber you act, the more willing they are to help you
twtCharlie: Well then, TIFU by calling Apple to ask if it would be covered, as well.
Thomas-C: Go in the store and tell them what happened. You probably won't get it covered, but the chances of it/getting a discount are higher if you're honest and polite about it. I know this because I was one of the people who fixed them for quite a while. Bullshit is easily seen through and a frame doesn't bend like that unless you did something hellacious with it. If you're honest about it you run a greater chance of having a technician have mercy on you and ask their manager to discount it.
At least, that's what I'd do for people. If you lied about it and said some shit like what the previous dude said, I'd charge you the standard price and not even try to help you out.
twtCharlie: You can get a discount on your repairs? Also, how expensive are these retina screens?
Thomas-C: Its possible,if your technician is nice and you are upfront with them. It isn't possible if they catch you lying, because that's disrespectful and techs get enough of that as it is. No guarantees. Iirc, standard price for fixing your machine would be in the 700-800 dollar range, as they'll likely send it off to get repaired at a depot. That's a flat rate charge for all damage. Could be wrong on pricing as I don't work for them anymore, but you definitely wouldn't be paying the same as a whole new machine. Takes about a week.
| 7 | 1 | |
1411331043 | 1411343524 | t3_2h29er | t5_2to41 | 5 | Iamanidiot69: TIFU by snapchatting in the shower
This a throwaway account because you know.
This happened probably 10 minutes ago
I had been snapchatting my girlfriend all day and she was in her bra and underwear and she was sending me sexy snaps of her. So I decided to take a shower. I have a lifeproof case for my iPhone so I thought it'd be a great idea to send her some sexy snaps back. I have the nuud lifeproof so the screen exposed is the actual screen and no plastic over it. So I assumed it would work really well, even with my hands being wet.
This is where I fucked up. I go to take a dick pic, and I got it just right, and as soon as I'm about to send it to her, a droplet of water falls from my hair and lands directly on "my story". It sends it immediately to all of my friends and family. I panicked, and one of my hands was soapy so I dropped my phone and needed desperately to delete it before any one of my friends and family saw it. I managed to finally delete it and a wave of relief came to me. I was shaking. Haha I am an idiot.
Tl;dr: fuck you, read it you lazy ass.
SecondThreat: Today I Slightly Fucked Up. You're very lucky you were able to delete it instantaneously.
wifemakesmewearplaid: today i almost fucked up.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411338597 | 1411349042 | t3_2h26s9 | t5_2to41 | -5 | BeardsuptheWazoo: But you did threaten her. You know why you picked up that knife. I don't think you deserve 15 years, and it wont come that, but you did threaten her.
savereality: SO IS IT A THREAT WHEN POLICE PUT THEIR HAND ON THEIR GUN AT EVERY TRAFFIC STOP OR PULL IT WHENEVER THEY GET A CALL FOR A PERSON WHO MIGHT BE SUICIDAL? COPS DRAW AND POINT THEIR GUNS ALL THE TIME WHEN THERE IS NO REASON TO EXPECT TROUBLE. SHE TOOK A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE AGAINST AN UNSTABLE AND ENRAGED PERSON TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER KINDNESS. SHE AND HER FAMILY SHOULD HAVE COORDINATED WHAT TO SAY THOUGH. THE COPS PROVED THAT SHE WAS RIGHT TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT BEING ARRESTED DESPITE HAVING COMMITTED NO CRIME. MIAMI'S CENTRAL JAIL IS A GLADIATORIAL ARENA, AND MANY DEPARTMENTS GET FUNDING BASED ON HOW MANY ARRESTS THEY MAKE. THE EX-FRIEND, THE COPS AND THE STATE ARE SAVAGELY IN THE WRONG ETHICALLY. THOUGH MAYBE SHE DOES HAVE A CLAIM UNDER SOME BULLSHIT SQUATTERS LAW. WE CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOMELESSNESS AS A SOCIETY NOW CAN WE? LET'S PALM OUR MORAL FAILING OFF ON OP.
BeardsuptheWazoo: You are either a troll or just a wacko who loves caps loc. Either way, you aren't worth my time to try to reason with.
ReyasWI: Wacko? No!! **WONKO!!** WONKO THE SANE!!!
| 4 | -1.25 | |
1411330480 | 1411401822 | t3_2h28ez | t5_2to41 | 239 | PunMan42: TIFU by ignoring my nosebleed
I'ts a pretty normal quiz. Normal as in the entirity of my studying was done about five minutes before class - nothing unusual. I liked this class because I get to sit behind this really cute girl who I was considering asking out.
It was about half way through my assessment when the powers that be decided to curse me with a nosebleed. I've had nosebleeds all my life, so I could tell I had one before blood dripped out of my nostrils. 'no sweat', I thought, 'it's pretty small, so I'll just keep my head high and swallow it like a man.' I do this more often than I care to admit during class, and it's just more efficient than leaving to deal with it. When you straight up swallow it though, there tends to be a large blood clot that resides in the back of the nose hanging down the throat. It's gross when you swallow it, but it usually means the end of the bleeding.
I could feel the clot at the back of my throat when disaster struck. An itching that came from the depths of my sinuses emerged, rising until it was ready to erupt. The thoughts that entered my mind can be summarized by a quote from Edgar Allan Poe; "Oh, any horror but this!" I heard that rubbing my tongue on the roof of my mouth makes it better, but when I tried it the situation was only worsened.
In my panic I forgot to cover. With a great BLEGHH, I sneezed, sending blood in all directions. My desk and the area around me looked like a crime scene. That girl in front of me quickly got up after realizing she was covered in human body fluid. Jumping away from the desk, she shreiked "oh shit!", drawing the entire class's attention at us and my work of red and abstract art. A couple others yelped, and one girl fainted. I felt something on my bottom lip. It was warm and slimy. The blood clot hung from my mouth like a parasitic alien slug. I went to the bathroom to clean up, and I stayed there untill class was over. I guess I'll have to finish my blood stained quiz another time, and my chance with that cute girl is loooong gone.
tl;dr - A young man sprays blood everywhere, crushing his hopes and dreams.
Edit: many of you are suggesting this as an opportunity to ask the girl out. And to you I say "that's crazy!". I'll try it tomorrow. Wish me luck.
Edit 2: It worked; I shit you not.
I listened to all you bastards and asked her out. And you know what? She said yes.
*Draw back curtains*
Me-"Hey"
She-"Hi"
"Sorry about what happened--"
"*cuts me off* Oh, no, it's fine - it washed right off."
"That's great. You know what? How about I make it up to you. Would you mind going to (restauraunt) with me sometime this week? Dinner's on me."
"Sure. how's Wednesday?"
"Sounds fine to me."
*fade to black*
I've never been happier.
ilivethereforeiam: You got her attention - you should ask her out now - that's a great "this is how we met" story.
PunMan42: Great! How about "hey, I'm the one who blew bloody snot all over your dress, wanna go out?" That'll charm her for sure!
AJohnsonOrange: If you do follow through with the whole "dinner's on me" thing (which, I I was a chick, I would say yes to), can you update us? Cheers, OP!
Master_Blender: Oh and BTW I'm a gril ;)
AJohnsonOrange: I don't get this :( Are you a grill or a girl? Or a girl grill? How does a girl grill blend?
| 6 | 39.833333 | |
1411331827 | 1411335490 | t3_2h2asq | t5_2to41 | 11 | Koolzo: TIFU by Passing a Note in Class
Like the majority of these stories, this didn't happen today, but rather last Friday. Also, no throwaway because 1.) it's not really a big deal, and 2.) I don't really care if people I know see this.
A small bit of backstory (followed by some more backstory): Last Monday, I was sitting in my computer science class, a little bored. I wasn't really paying attention, because the teacher was just going over information that I'd already read in the book. There was a girl in front of me on her laptop, and I noticed that she was browsing the Terraria subreddit.
I have never played Terraria or Minecraft (which I have heard Terraria likened to), though I have had interest in the former. Instantly, my curiosity is piqued. Sure, most of the people in the class probably game, but I don't know anyone in the class. I thought maybe I could make a new friend and pick up a new game.
Fast forward to Friday. It had been a busy week. On Fridays our computer science class has a lab. I was hoping that I would see "Terraria Person" (I won't even use an actual name, because I don't even know this person's name) in-between classes and ask her a bit about Terraria, since I would occasionally see her in-between classes.
I know, I know, if I wanted to know about Terraria, I could just do a quick google search and learn all I needed to about the game. Sure, I could, and eventually did, but I wanted to try to branch out and make some new friends. I hadn't talked to anyone in any of my classes, and not knowing anyone sucks.
So, the lab was starting up shortly, and that's when I decide to do something that I hadn't done in a long time: I wrote a note. Like a bashful middle school child, I wrote a quick note. I don't remember exactly what it said, but as I was rushed for time, most of it didn't come out right. Essentially, the note read something like, "Hello, Terraria Person (note: that's actually who I addressed the note to). I would like to ask you some questions about Terraria. I've avoided Terraria for quite some time, but recently find myself in need of a time sink. My Steam name is [My Steam Name]. P.S. - Sorry if this is creepy. I didn't want to disturb anyone's lab."
At that point, I had time to back out. I could have just relaxed, waited for the weekend to end, and try to talk to this person on Monday. Nope. After I finished by lab, I walked by, tossed the note on this person's book, and walked away, not looking back or saying anything (because cool guys don't look at explosions).
Painful. Just... Painful. I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking. I think that I was just excited at the prospect of playing a new game, and potentially making a new friend. I would just like to say that I was NOT attempting to hit on this person. Just throwing that out there.
Anyway, after I returned home, I realized what I had just done. I had written a note, like an immature kid, and passed it in class. To a person that I did not know. To a person that did not know me. To a person that I have literally only said, "You should stop browsing reddit in class" to (in a joking manner, but still). I didn't even know this person's name.
I have not heard back from her. I am pretty sure that I have thoroughly creeped this person out, and have lost any chance of making a new friend out of that person. The rest of the semester is going to be awkward.
TL;DR: I am bad at making friends.
draconempuelle: What if Terraria Girl is bad at making friends too, and appreciates the note? This may not yet be a TIFU! You did kind of assume that she plays Terraria because she was on their sub(eh) but then again she might have found the note passing humorous.
I totally see how you feel awkward, but you can't say you didn't try:)
Koolzo: Could be. No idea. XD Figure I'll just leave everyone in that class alone for the rest of the semester.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411335384 | 1411373161 | t3_2h2gxb | t5_2to41 | 392 | FuzzyBagpuss: TIFU by playing pc games
I play a lot of PC games, I also hate pausing a game when I'm in the heat of the action to do something. This afternoon, whilst playing FIFA my tummy starts to grumble. I'll finish the game and go for a poo.
Proceed to finish, save the game and get to the top of the stairs when my bowels start screaming at me to let them release. I run down as fast as I can, lose my footing by treading on the bottom of my dressing gown and slip down the last few steps with shit streaming from my arse. The shock of tripping and falling unleashed the diabolical stream of kebab infested faeces from inside. I lay there realising what I had done when my landlord, who was inside the room at the bottom of the stairs opens the door.
He stares at the disheveled, shit smeared moron laying at the bottom of his stairs and tells me to sort my fucking life out and clean up the mess. He closes the door and I start to cry.
TL;DR. Playing FIFA, ignore urges and fall down the stairs, shitting all the way.
alexjbarnett: should have put your soiled underwear in his mouth.
maintain eye contact.
assert your dominance.
FuzzyBagpuss: I wasn't wearing underwear. I was in my dressing gown. My now ruined dressing gown in a plastic bag, up the road, hidden in a biffa bin.
I hope the binmen never find that, poor guys won't have a clue what the fuck happened.
ROFLBRYCE: >dressing gown
>biffa bin
This is so British. I have no idea what either of those are.
Oh_great_: Dressing gown? Really?
zars15: Could have explained what that is, now I gotta google..
Edit: a bathing robe
ROFLBRYCE: This is what i know it as. Bath robe/house coat.
ScreamingV: Bath robe makes me imagine a fabulous velvet cloak one wears for taking a bath, and now I wish I had one.
I wear my dressing gown constantly at home and my husband has started accusing me of being a McPoyle
ROFLBRYCE: Aaaand Im lost at McPoyle again!
| 9 | 43.555556 | |
1411335914 | 1411338051 | t3_2h2hqb | t5_2to41 | 87 | criticalhitshop: TIFU by making fun of a rap video....
I work at a movie theater. The pay is low but it's a fun job and everyone there is on good terms. We joke around a lot. This particular night I'm working a closing shift and near the end of the night, we need to get the standard list of closing chores and I go to the managers desk to have them print one off.
All the managers and the security are huddled around an iPhone watching what seems to be some kind of music video on YouTube.
I look at what they're watching and it seems to be some kind rap video or something. The screen is paused and there's some lady with a bunch of white makeup on her face, like something out of Die Antwoord. Almost instinctively, I laugh and go "Wow, that's one ugly lady haha."
Dead silence. To my left, I hear one of the guards say "....That's my wife."
PYRO49: We're going to need to see this rap video for us to judge how ugly this lady truly was
criticalhitshop: You'll understand me not asking any further questions... o_O
| 3 | 29 | |
1411335869 | 1411354762 | t3_2h2hnt | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by creeping a girl out by stalking her Facebook
So, being the loner, asocial kind of guy, I kind of live vicariously through other people's social network profiles, mostly to see what they are like when they go out and have fun, or what their likes in music, film, politics, etc, are.
(Yes, when it comes to women, also -fine, mainly- to check for fap material. 25yo kv reporting in).
Anyway, to this end I created a fake Facebook profile (since people receiving an invite from the serious-looking, never-talking, loner-wannabe loser from class/work/the bus/whatever would make them uncomfortable -and me too: I prefer to keep distance from people-). It has been mostly successful in getting the invites accepted and me getting the feedback I'm looking for.
But obviously not everyone is a careless idiot, and sometimes I get an Inbox message of "Do I know you?" before they rejecting the invite. Those I normally just stop pursuing.
Until last week, when checking on Tindr I found a girl I know from college. Doing some research, I found her full name and searched for her on Facebook. Found her, sent the invite. But she was online. And she sent the message of "Do I know you?". Instead of just dropping it, I tried to "explain" myself, inventing the story that I had seen her on Tindr and then found her on Facebook and wanted to add her. She accepted the invite at first, but after a while removed me and sent me another message: "I added you but then I saw that you have no pictures of you in you account so I don't know if I know you", obviously creeping her out.
I assume I creep everyone that send me those kinds of messages out, but this was more obvious and direct. So now I have the remorse of making someone feel creeped out, and not even someone who must be acustomed to being creeped out by Facebook creeps neither.
TL;DR: I'm that asshole who creeps your girlfriend/sister/mother/grandmother on Facebook.
Xpike: Yes, you're an asshole, stop creeping on people.
[deleted]: I know, but what do I do? I can't go and apologize to the girl, that would be even creepier.
Simon_Magnus: Just forget it ever happened. She probably has. People use junk Facebook accounts for all sorts of reasons - in my case, they're usually trying to get me into their pyramid scheme.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411336174 | 1411421365 | t3_2h2i6h | t5_2to41 | 11 | AakashMasani: TIFU by intending to post a FB conversation to /r/cringe and they found out
I had uploaded the conversation to imgur and blacked out the names and intended to post it to /r/cringe.
I then backed out of it and thought it wasn't a great idea. (This was weeks ago) Then today I get a fb message and it's him and he tells me he knows and sends me the link of the imgur album. I basically shit myself cause this is one of my best friends and I never even posted it to reddit and didn't intend to.
I ask him how he found it and he says he found my imgur profile and saw the conversation in an album on my profile.
He talks about how our friendship is over and to wait for tomorrow (when I'll see him at college).
I'm pretty bummed right now.
I didn't mean to hurt his feelings and the idea to screenshot it was a bad decision, after I had been reading /r/cringe posts the whole day
Anyone got any ideas how I can salvage our friendship?
Update:
He pretty much avoided me the entire day. I went up to him at lunch and said 'I'm Sorry'. He didn't turn around to look at me and instantly said 'Fuck off' and walked away.
THEN our mutual friend comes up to me and says 'x just punched me in the balls'.
I ask why and he says it's because 'x isn't actually that mad at you and he wanted me to help him make you feel bad and I said no, so he punched me in the balls'
So yeah, now I learn he's just playing the 'you hurt my feelings' card to make me feel like a prick, which kind of empowers me cause fuck him.
TheDjPhoenix: Apologize...
AwfulAnswersAnon: Failing that, posting now couldn't hurt
cloudstrife5671: I agree. Gotta see it now
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1411336738 | 1411343907 | t3_2h2j3z | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by not being able to achieve an erection.
I got really drunk at a party last night, and I was talking with a friend of a friend, lets call her Sheela. Things were really going well so I decided that in my drunken state that it would be a good idea to try my luck and ask her if she wanted to go somewhere that wasn't so loud and we could "talk". We decided to go into my buddy's room and lock the door, thinking that nobody saw us going in. Anyways one thing leads to another and I was way too drunk to be able to get an erection. Having never happened to me before, I apologized over and over again until we both decided to just put our clothes back on and go our separate ways. As soon as I open the door to leave, all of our friends are standing there staring at me in anticipation with stupid grins on all of their faces. Before I had a chance to open my mouth, Sheela comes storming out of the room screaming "He couldn't get it up!" I was so embarrassed and angry I karate chopped a pinata in half spilling all of its contents on the floor (which for some reason was cheez-its and reeses pieces). I have still not recovered from the shame.
tl;dr got whiskey dick and destroyed an innocent pinata in shame.
Snap122: Fuck Sheela.
Lefty1979: He tried. It didn't go well.
| 3 | 22.333333 | |
1411335853 | 1411410633 | t3_2h2hms | t5_2to41 | 3 | PoFolk: TIFU by hitting a dog with my car.
I was at a friends picking up an ASVAB book and as I'm pulling out of his cold-sack I notice a man walking up to the street off the blind hillside. At that same moment something caught my attention from my peripheral; It was a 150ish pound pit bull sprinting across his front lawn and straight into the street.
I hit my brakes so abruptly, mid turn, that my car ended up over steering about 35° before coming to a halt, but it wasn't quick enough. The car nose dived and hit the pup directly across the shoulder/hips, he bounced off the bumper with a sound "Thud" doing a full 180° before hitting the deck; My heart froze, I love dogs more than humans.
Immediately [felt like hours] the dog popped up, stricken with a bewildered look and took THE FUCK off up the street. Luckily I was driving below the speed limit and paying as much attention as I could given all that was going on. The owner asked if i was okay, asked if the car was okay, and just stood there looking at the obviously shocked look on my face.
About 45 seconds later the doggie shows up, somehow at the top of the street now, but doesn't seem to want anything to do with my car. The homeowner calls him over and he goes trotting off into the back yard, seemingly fine, absolutely confused.
TLDR; don't let your dog out freely in suburbs.
lord_sherlock_holmes: cul-de-sac..fyi, 150 lb pitbull would be 3 times the size of a normal pitbull. Even on the large scale pitbulls do not typically get over 75-80 lbs with the ave being 35-55 lbs.
PoFolk: This was a massive fucking dog, with pit bull features.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411337115 | 1411344876 | t3_2h2jrb | t5_2to41 | 3 | smb0921: TIFU By Getting My Poop On My Friend's Shoe
TIFU well not today but in 5th grade I did this thing called Robotics where you made these robots
with Lego's and this thing you controlled it with. We would do this every Friday after school. I always had a more explosive and not easily controllable bowel activity, especially in school where it felt weird to poop especially when you make really bad stinky ones like me.
On to the story. So it was normal Friday robotics session and I never really did much but I just played with the Lego's. After a little while I was starting to feel a rumbling in my stomach. I was used to holding it in so I just nodded it off and continued making awesome spaceships and stuff. Eventually it started to come back except it was starting to get worse. Again I nodded it off and forgot about it, BAD IDEA. It came back one time and it felt like there was a parasite trying to dig trough my stomach. I decided to bee line for the bathroom but we were in portables outside about 20-30 yards away from the building. I started for my destination and tried to run but once I was about 5-10 yards away it happened. The big slimy mess came out of my like an chocolate mud cake pie sliding down my leg. It came out of my pants and landed on the pavement about 5 feet from the door. As you can guess more came out and I started crying my eyes out. I still went for the bathroom and sort of got the rest out. I took my pants off and started to wipe all the poop off of my legs and thighs. After about 20 minutes I got about a third of it off. I never felt so disgusting in my life. Eventually I had to go back so I went back to the portable and I was wearing a white shirt so there was a couple small stains on it. I told the teacher running it that I had to leave and tried calling my mom. One kid gave me a funny look so I was pretty frightened. Thankfully she answered and said she would come and get me. I lived across the street from the school so I had an excuse to leave right away. The building is locked so i had to bring the keys and someone had to come with me. I remembered the poop when we were walking to the building and tried to avoid it. My friend that walked with me for the keys on the other hand didn't. As I was handing him the keys I saw he was standing in it. Luckily he didn't notice so I dipped out of there and ran for the front to leave that shit infested hell hole. I immediately took a shower and that rang some bells for my parents and they found out. They were mad but I assured them that no one found out.
Next week I was talking with a few friends, including poopshoes. Eventually one of them mentioned poopshoes stepping in the shit and one of them said,"I'm still wondering what poop that was because it was huge!" I started getting nervous but tried to put in some input that it was a raccoon or a dog.
Sadly, I have pooped myself more times then i'm proud of. I suck managing my bowels.
tl;dr Shat myself and my friend stepped on it
epazur: That day you hopefully learned one of life's fundamental lessons. When Diarrhea speaks you listen! Never try and hold it
smb0921: Ya, I've realized that shitting yourself is a lot worse than shitting in a bathroom.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411335163 | 1411347061 | t3_2h2giv | t5_2to41 | 68 | naivelt: TIFU by being tall as a child.
Like most fuck-ups, this happened a long time ago, in the third grade.
Background: I was the tallest boy in grade three, and that made some of the shorter kids a little jealous, especially this one guy, we'll call him Jeffery. Jeffery was above and beyond the shortest kid in the class, the top of his head was around my bottom rib area. He didn't like me, and we should note that he can be a bit crazy.
The Story: We were in gym class one day, and we were playing basketball. Jeffery got really mad because the rest of his team couldn't pass him the ball over me. The teacher got involved and talked us through our frustrations, and I thought that was the end of it.
Afterwards, all the boys were getting changed in the locker room. Being the douche that I was, me and my friends were quietly mocking Jeffery. I saw him giving me the stink/evil/dead eye from across the room.
I should have left my shirt on.
When I removed my gym shirt, Jeffery saw his chance. He bolted across the room, took a flying leap, and...
Bit my nipple.
I cant even describe the pain that comes from having a kid hanging by the skin of his teeth on you nipple. Life I said before, he only came up to my lower ribs, so his feet were off the ground for a solid five seconds. I went down hard, my right nipple was bleeding, and I never blocked a pass in basketball again.
Looking back it was the most successful attack I've ever seen on an enemy with twice the size.
TL;DR: I experienced male breastfeeding when I was ten.
SpeckleDorf9000: Find the kid, get revenge with a knife and make some cheese nips
doggiechewtoy: So , "cut the cheese," as it were?
pandurrcula: Cut the nips
| 4 | 17 | |
1411334618 | 1411338555 | t3_2h2fl2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Throwawayyou22: TIFU by thinking a bee was my dog......
Okay so let me start this with telling you I have a little dog who loves to bug me when I am eating and normally I give me dog the last bite of my food by throwing it to her.
So, today I was taking a very much needed lunch break from working on my house with my dad (who by the way is awesome for all the help and advice he has given me the last two weeks while we upgrade my home). We were sitting outside eating lunch and talking. All of the sudden this bee starts flying all around me. When I got to my last bite I threw it towards the ground, for some reason thinking the bee was my dog....maybe it has to do with the lack of sleep or the cold meds I am on, I really don't know why but for some reason I thought the bee was my dog. But let me tell you the bee reminded me that it wasnt my dog and it wasnt happy I threw food towards it because the next thing I know the damn thing stung me! Oh yea, I am allergic to bees......
donutbomb: How high were you?
Throwawayyou22: Well, between the paint fumes, breathing in bleach and my cold meds...I would say pretty high.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411338467 | 1411366383 | t3_2h2m2f | t5_2to41 | 49 | forwhombagels: TIFU by wiping my ass
So I was in a rush and trying to get ready for work so I decided to multitask. While I was taking a shit I decided to also gargle some mouthwash (the kind with alcohol in it). So I spit it out and dribbled it all over my face. I then grabbed some TP and whipped it off my face and proceeded to wipe my ass with the same TP. It stung and burned so badly I yelped and screamed, and continued to burn for about ten minutes. Never fucking again.
Superamazingname: Well now your asshole is EXTRA clean!
Hairy_Cheeks: And minty fresh
Violentine11: Thou shalt giveth me thy asshole.
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1411338122 | 1411365259 | t3_2h2lia | t5_2to41 | 194 | alamistx: TIFU By Returning A Man's Lost Condom
So, I'm 17 (but I look 20ish) and work at a small family amusement park. It was around 1:00 and I went to go give the guy operating the roller coaster his 30 minute lunch break. Now, on this roller coaster, it's pretty common for people to leave things such as their cell phones, wallets, pocket change etc. So I always check the seats right after people get off, and try to return their item before they travel to far.
So I go to load up the coaster, and I distinctly remember this one guy with his little daughter. He was probably late thirties, bald, slightly overweight, pointy braided goatee, and tattoos all over. I strapped him and his daughter in, along with all the other riders and sent them off without any problem.
So the coaster returns, and everyone exits, and I notice a shiny square packet sitting on the seat that the man was sitting in. Without thinking, I grabbed it, turned, and yelled "Sir! You left your..."
Then I realized a few things. Aside from the sudden realization that I was holding a presumably unopened condom, I also realized that I was holding it outstretched in front of the 30 or so people waiting in line to ride, all of which had somewhat confused looks on their faces.
The man turned to face me, smiled, and said "Thanks boy, but how about you hold on to it", winked, and began to walk away again.
I tried to make things less awkward, but only made it worse by saying "Haha, thanks, but I have no use for it". And proceeded to walk to the garbage to toss it away.
He looks at me again, now looking concerned, and says "Ah, having trouble with the ladies? I can help with that" and then pulls a slip of paper out of his pocket with a phone number on it, hands it to me, smiles again, and says "Ask for Kimmy, she can help" then walked away.
I stood there with the piece of paper still in my hand, stunned. Everyone in the line was dead silent. Then the lady at the front of the line looks at me and says "So.... You gonna call her?"
I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of that half an hour.
TL;DR: Some guy left a condom on my roller coaster, when I returned it to him he told me to keep it. I told him I have no use for it, he then gives me a phone number that probably had a prostitute on the other end.
UPDATE: I sat there twiddling the number in my fingers for a half an hour before I finally mustered up the strength to call. Sorry to be a bit of a buzzkill, but the number was disconnected. Sorry guys :/
KoD123455: So.... You gonna call her?
bluenumbers: I think he has to. Right?
K3NN3Y: Please OP? ಠ_ಠ
leftinthepussy: OP must deliver.
K3NN3Y: If he doesn't I'm gonna cry.
jacterp: *Cries*
| 7 | 27.714286 | |
1411339262 | 1411423448 | t3_2h2nff | t5_2to41 | 19 | donthanganddrive: TIFU by throwing up while driving
This actually happened a couple of years ago but I was thinking about it today and decided it was finally worthy of sharing...
My downward spiral started when was running late for a night out so I decided to skip dinner and save a little time. Skipping dinner plus an extensive amount of alcohol that night meant I had a VERY painful hangover the next day.
After lying in bed all day trying to get over my hangover, I decided at about 4pm that I was finally sober enough and feeling well enough to drive to my parent's house as I had said I was coming back for a visit. I set off on my 20 minute journey and felt fine to start off with. It was only as I was about halfway home that I started to feel a wave of nausea and sickness wash over me....
Now I should mention that I am someone who is very easily sick on a hangover, especially after drinking wine. I've never had to stick my fingers down my throat to assist the process and even just the thought of alcohol can tip me over the edge the next day.
Anyway, as I was driving along (in a narrow lane of cars), and started to sense this wave of sickness, I thought in my head "oh right... I thought I was fine - but I do actually still feel a bit sick..." Then cue the 10 second realisation window of no return of "OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE SICK". I quickly looked around for a place to pull over but it just so happened that the narrow stretch of road I was driving along had no pavement, just a 6 foot wall along my side of the road and heavy flowing traffic going the other way. No break in the wall, no curb to pull up on, no driveway or side road to pull into, no space for another car to overtake. Realising I wasn't going to be able to stop the car without holding up a whole queue of fast moving traffic behind me, my body started to heave and I decided my only method of containing this sickness was to simply not open my mouth.
Let me just clarify, if you haven't already discovered for yourself, that this is NOT an effective method for preventing vomiting. After 3 or so heaves, the knee-jerk reaction of hurling got the better of me and a started to projectile vomit onto my windscreen. Hands still on my steering wheel, foot still on the accelerator (moving at about 30 MPH) I continued to be sick EVERYWHERE for a number of minutes while still frantically search for a break in the wall or a side road so I could pull over. Sick was going everywhere (dashboard, steering wheel, inside door, gear stick) when I finally reached a roundabout where I managed to turn off (still being sick) into a side road and pull over. I opened the car door, was sick again leaning out of the door and then finally the puking stopped.
As I leaned back into my car I caught I glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror, covered in sick for head to toe, and realised this was the new lowest point in my life.
TLDR: don't drive when you're hungover
DeathAndRebirth: omg thats fucking terrible, they should make inside the car windshield wiper for moments like this
teuflhund: Key point you should not be driving in moments like this.
DeathAndRebirth: hahaha very true
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1411339807 | 1411393479 | t3_2h2oa9 | t5_2to41 | 560 | Pebblethrower: TIFU by letting my little brother use my laptop
This literally happened two minutes ago. So I'm up in my room doing homework when my 13 year old brother comes in and asks to use my computer (which I'm currently not using) to check his homework. I let him, and normally I would have made sure that's what he was doing because he's known for pulling really annoying shit, but it completely slipped my mind. Anyway, he finishes "checking his homework" and leaves. Fast forward about 10 minutes and I decide it's a good time to beat my meat since the rest of my family is downstairs (my room is on the third floor of our house). I start off with r/60fpsporn then eventually make my way to the seriously freaky stuff on Pornhub, and for the next 10 minutes jerk off. So i finish up and I go into my bathroom to wash my hands (I'm not an animal) when I hear someone walk in my room then walk out. I back into my room, and don't see anyone, so i shrug it off and go back to doing my homework. Then, about a minute later I hear my mom yell from downstairs; "GABRIEL WHAT'S THIS??". I run downstairs and as it turns out, my little brother, instead of checking his homework had started recording using the camera on my computer with hopes of "catching me doing something other than my homework". Then it hit me, my family just watched my jerk off to BDSM. I stood there dumbfounded for a good 30 seconds trying to preserve what was left of my dignity, then out of a fit of rage I lunge at my smirking brother and throw a punch. I was so wrapped up in anger that I didn't realize he had my new laptop in his lap, and when I attempted to punch him he held up my laptop and i punched that instead, breaking the spine and denting the back of it beyond repair. Great.
tl;dr: Brother set up camera record on my computer, got 10 minutes of me jerking off, when I went to punch him I broke my $1300 brand-new laptop
bustednbruised: Did some formatting to make this a bit easier to read.
>This literally happened two minutes ago. So I'm up in my room doing homework when my 13 year old brother comes in and asks to use my computer (which I'm currently not using) to check his homework. I let him, and normally I would have made sure that's what he was doing because he's known for pulling really annoying shit, but it completely slipped my mind.
>Anyway, he finishes "checking his homework" and leaves. Fast forward about 10 minutes and I decide it's a good time to beat my meat since the rest of my family is downstairs (my room is on the third floor of our house). I start off with r/60fpsporn then eventually make my way to the seriously freaky stuff on Pornhub, and for the next 10 minutes jerk off. So i finish up and I go into my bathroom to wash my hands (I'm not an animal) when I hear someone walk in my room then walk out. I back into my room, and don't see anyone, so i shrug it off and go back to doing my homework.
>Then, about a minute later I hear my mom yell from downstairs; "GABRIEL WHAT'S THIS??". I run downstairs and as it turns out, my little brother, instead of checking his homework had started recording using the camera on my computer with hopes of "catching me doing something other than my homework". Then it hit me, my family just watched my jerk off to BDSM. I stood there dumbfounded for a good 30 seconds trying to preserve what was left of my dignity, then out of a fit of rage I lunge at my smirking brother and throw a punch. I was so wrapped up in anger that I didn't realize he had my new laptop in his lap, and when I attempted to punch him he held up my laptop and i punched that instead, breaking the spine and denting the back of it beyond repair. Great.
Amphetameister: why the fuck is this in one string anyway???
Shizo211: # I think if you start your comment with a Hashtag it formats it like that. TEST. TEST.TEST. TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.TEST. TEST.TEST.
[deleted]: You mean a pound sign (#)? The symbol itself is not a "hashtag", a hashtag just happens to use a pound sign to denote that it is a tag and not part of the main text.
Now I'm scared that today's kids who grew up with social media think a pound sign is actually called a hashtag.
henry_blackie: To be fair in the UK it's quite ~~odd~~ annoying having £ and # both referred to as pound signs, I would mind it being known as a hashtag.
Hymix: I'm from the UK and only ever heard of # as a hash or hash-mark.
Unicornpants: Yeah, I grew up just knowing that a hash meant number.
| 8 | 70 | |
1411337129 | 1411343028 | t3_2h2js0 | t5_2to41 | 6 | imcomingholdon: TIFU by dropping my pipe.
This happened a few weeks ago when I met up with my friend to have a nice little smoke session. As I left my house to meet him I made sure I had my bare essentials (phone, wallet, keys, weed, pipe, lighter) and I realized I left my pipe in the backyard. No big deal. I walk back into the house, grab my pipe, and jump in the car. I didn't bother putting the pipe in my pocket or in any compartment in my car (this is important) and I drive to the gas station to get some gas before heading to my friends house. I get to the gas station, park next to the pump, and as I got out I heard a loud glass-shattering sound. The pipe was on my lap. Luckily no one was around and the attendant was inside the little mini market. I walk into the market to pay for my gas thinking that this dude must have heard something but nope, he didn't mention a thing to me. As I walked to my pump I suddenly heard 3-4 loud tire-puncturing sounds. I look up and notice its an old lady driving in a beat up toyota tercel. I immediately think "fuck this person must have driven over the thick pieces of glass that are still on the floor". I was so embarrassed I just wanted to pump my gas and leave. The old lady must have not heard the sound of her tires popping because she walked to the market to pay for her gas and didn't even glance at her car. As I'm finishing up pumping my gas I begin to hear her tires slowly lose air realized that I just popped two of her tires.
TLDR: popped an old lady's tires @ a gas station and drove off without saying a thing :(
fucking_web_dev: This should be posted in "today I learned I was an asshole". Who drives off and leaves a little old lady stranded, especially being the reason?
mealymouthmongolian: Leave old lady stranded or possibly get pinned with possession of paraphernalia. . . Easy choice.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411340811 | 1411389232 | t3_2h2pyf | t5_2to41 | 37 | sergeybok: TIFU by not getting laid in my dream
[deleted]: Having a fucking dream is not a TIFU.
DakotaThrice: It wasn't a "fucking dream" though, thats the fuck up.
[deleted]: What?
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1411319197 | 1411345736 | t3_2h1ox9 | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by not cleaning up after myself this past Friday morning...
This happened today but the main part of the story started on Friday. So every morning I have a routine of getting dressed and eating breakfast and I usually boil the water for coffee the old fashion way with a coffee pot and leave it boiling while I get dressed. This past Friday I woke up late so I had to get dressed, make my coffee, and eat breakfast really quick. I wasn't late so that's good. Fast forward to today, I don't work so I woke up in no rush and made my coffee nice and easy and decided to make my bed while my freshly made coffee cooled down a little. The table in the kitchen has a huge flower center piece that can often hide cups or plates if you are looking at it from the stove where I make my coffee. After I finished making the bed I go sit down and drink my coffee while opening the mail. I took a nice sip and notice that firstly, it was extremely cold, and secondly, it tasted horrible and it was super sour and thick... I looked down and noticed that i had taken a drink out of the coffee cup that had been sitting there since Friday morning. It had molded over milk on top and a frothy taste to it. That was by far one of the nastiest things I had ever tasted, and needless to say, it ruined my morning coffee.
OriginallyAThrowaway: I am so shocked that there was no sexual activity of any kind mentioned in that story. Kudos.
HwoThumb: I'm glad I'm not the only person who didn't take "cleaning up" at face value.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1411340556 | 1411344815 | t3_2h2piu | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing up drunk to my workplace and pissing my manager off
Okay, this was technically yesterday.
So I, as a college student, work at a fast food place. One of my coworkers (let's call her Bailey) and I were in line for promotion; we both wanted the position very badly. Bailey and I are friends, hang out sometimes, and enjoy each other's company so please don't think it's a rivalry. She is a good worker, but I feel like I have improved massively and deserve this promotion (plus I can work more positions). I have worked here longer, and I believe I am more mature... but I digress.
At this store, politics are in play, and basically the more certain managers like you, the better off you'll be/the more likely they are to do you favors. Bailey has become good friends with our female manager (M), who in turn is favored by our general manager. I was also on good terms with our female manager, but not as much as Bailey, and had only recently become better liked by M.
Anyway, yesterday I was called into the office at work and told that they wanted to continue to see how I improve over the next month but that I would not be getting the promotion. M goes on to say that "it's not a competition" and that I shouldn't let this bring me down, but that they were promoting Bailey that day. As much as they wanted to say it wasn't a big deal, it still disappointed me a lot.
Me: Okay. But could you just tell her after 4? (when I leave- also Bailey and I had plans to hang out after work, so I would see her then anyway)
M: (something along the lines of) I suppose that's okay. We'll see. But what are you going to say to her when you *do* see her?
Me: ...Nothi-
M: Congratulations.
Me: I know, I will.
I leave the office, not ten minutes later I go back into the back and see Bailey there with her new name tag, my manager off to the side. And Bailey smiles at me and is all "heeeeyy" and so I say in an upbeat tone "Nice. Congratulations." Exactly what my manager said to say. Twenty minutes later I leave. I was so mad and disappointed; I know I shouldn't have been, but I was.
Around 5 I'm still fuming, and text my manager.
Me: You didn't even wait until 4
M: I had to rip the bandaid off and see how you would react
Me: I said what you told me to and that's it
M: You react well though. I'm proud of you.
Me: Whatever. Like I was going to yell at her or something
M: You could of been salty lol
Me: Yeah or said nothing, which is what I was going to do and what I would've preferred to do which I could've done if I'd left before it happened
M: It's ok though
Around 10 pm I go back to the store (side note: I am under legal drinking age for where I live). Before I left my house I had a glass of wine, in the car I drank some vodka that I have, and then poured some fireball whiskey into a cup and just drank it. I'm still drinking the whiskey when I get to the store, and I'm getting more lightheaded. I wander inside, still drinking it, laughing, and I just lie down in a booth while they finish closing. My manager takes note of my odd behavior, puts it together, and is clearly annoyed. We all go outside once they're done and I sit on the pavement while everyone else is standing around, a few of my nice coworkers arranging to drive me home.
M: This girl needs an ass-whooping.
Cue Bailey slapping me across the face. All my coworkers gasped and were like "woah" and I just sat there. It didn't even make me mad. Another one of my coworkers got the alcohol out of my car, another one has confiscated my keys, and eventually we get it arranged and I'm driven home with 2 other cars following, which included my manager and a total of 5 other coworkers.
I think my manager's really pissed. Right after she tells me to not take it personally I go and text her angrily and show up tipsy after close. I work tomorrow, but I don't know if she does. I guess we'll see. I hope I didn't ruin this potential promotion for myself..
TL;DR I am super bummed that I don't get a promotion that I feel I deserve, text my manager and piss her off, show up to work inebriated and my manager feels like she has to babysit me and make sure I arrive home safely. I'm an idiot.
Edit: After reading the comments and re-reading my post, I have come to the conclusion that I am goddamn fucking retarded.
Edit edit: Except that the special needs people I know would make better decisions.
willybusmc: Jesus, that was a train wreck. There is literally not a single good decision in that entire story.
[deleted]: I know. It hurt to type. And to think about :(
| 3 | 1.666667 |
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